A

Dream of Acceptance- Aleks Holubowicz

His father told him that Thailand was like another planet. He spoke of all the different aspects of the culture he encountered- the Arab he met with six wives, the monks that walked along the streets in their bright orange robes and, of course, the lady-boys- the beautiful women who served the masses as eye candy in what can be considered as the red light district of Bangkok. Long silky hair, make up so heavily caked on that a fat kid would get hungry, a full bust and the parts that lay tucked in their bright pink panties- the boy part of lady-boy. To Olavi, Thailand had always resonated in his mind as one thing and it wasnt the beautiful garments that monks wore. Although they had to travel two days half way across the world, Olavi and Astrid made the trip to Thailand- it might as well have been the moon. They had to travel through England and Helsinki and each location had its own funny alphabet- but the symbols for the mens and womens bathrooms were the same. Although hed become comfortable with using the mens room at home, in each country that hed passed through, the air and atmosphere felt different. Every one's eyes seemed to linger on him as if they knew that he didnt have what was required in order to enter the mens room. Every time hed enter the womens room, the ladies looked as if they were to scream pervert! in whatever language they spoke. Instead, theyd scurry out of the restroom gathering the understanding that Olavi, although he was a man- he really wasnt. Whenever hed muster up the courage to enter the mens room, hed swiftly make his way past the urinals to the very end of the bathroom- the handicapped stall where he could pee in privacy and be judged by the other men as the boy with confidence issues. When they finally made their way off the third plane that theyd been in over the past few days, Astrid glanced over at him morosely.

What, mom? Olavi asked. Nothing, dear. Where do we go? Astrid asked. We should have a cab waiting, I made the arrangements before leaving Hollywood. Mom. Seriously, tell me whats wrong or stop looking at me, Olavi said. Its just that, this is it- I thought wed been over this, its a bit too late to turn this plane around- you know that Id been saving for this. I told you not to come if you were going to be like this again. Astrid turned her face away as if shed been looking for the cab, wiping the beads of tears now streaming down her cheeks. Let me call your father before I forget. To infuriate him even more? To let him know weve landed. Theyd picked up their stuff and finally spotted the guy with the barely legible Laine Family sign- not that it deserved any clarity. The two slid in on to the plastic-covered seats past the air fresheners that hung from oddly placed hooks, most likely installed by the driver himself. This was probably because the mirror in the front was strewn with pictures of his family- A happy little family. A father, a mother, a pretty little daughter and a son that any father would be proud of. The Marriot, please, Olavi said. What surgery you getting? the cabbie asked. Olavi and Astrid looked at one another as if this man had been sent by his father to taunt him- as if it were a sign from God himself that if a man is born a man, then he should live as a man- and a women too.

Why do you think that Im getting a surgery? You American, you going to a expensive hotel that next to surgery hospital, he said, Is that you girlfriend? Im his mom, Im taking him. Before they could be asked any more humiliating questions, theyd arrived. Astrid paid the cabbie and the two checked in to their room. It was completely Americanized- the last of the familiar things they would encounter while there. The room was eerily pristine- no signs of life. Astrid, the tech savvy mom that she was, brought her new laptop and skyped Olavis father. The two talked for a little bit over an hour about a slew of subjects. Among all of these, the surgery was not even mentioned. Olavi, say hi to your father. Do I have to? Well that little bitch, male or female, can take my fucking money but still wont say hi to her father, said his father. If you hadnt noticed, dad, Im paying for it myself- the only reason mom paid for the trip is because she didnt want me to die or whatever. Youre acting as if youre doing her a favor- letting her pay so you dont die. Ill pay you- Thats enough! You two can be half way across the world from each other and you still find a way to get at each other. Astrid said. Goodnight sweet heart. Olavi, say goodnight to your father. Goodnight daddy dearest. If youre going to be a little bitch-

Astrid closed the laptop to prevent a world war on the third floor of the Bangkok Marriott from breaking out. You know, you two are twins- you cant stand the sight of each other because its like looking in the mirror when either one of you is in the others presence, said Astrid. Honey, he loves you so much, youre such a bright and talented gir- And if I really wanted to I could stay a girl right? This is just a ten year phase that Im going through and if I wait it out, Ill snap back into feeling like a girl? Astrid burst into tears and locked herself in the white bathroom, with the two perfect little soaps alongside the uniformly folded hand towels- now covered in her tears and black eyeliner. She looked around the room, and wondered how and where she went wrong. Her little girl, who was born healthy devoid of any birth defects- every little finger and every little toe right in the place God had intended. All those diapers changed and all those little pink shirts now in the middle of Asia waiting for the morning to change her into the dominant gender that ruled the world and ruled her mind. She thought herself to sleep as she now laid her body on the cold ground, her head wet from her own tears. Meanwhile, Olavi undressed himself. He put on a pair of fresh underwear- the last of the ones that would fit his body. He took off his sports bra and put on a t-shirt. He looked in the mirror and whispered goodbye. At 6am, Astrid woke up to the sound of her skype ringing- must have been her husband. She got up and quickly rushed out of the bathroom to answer the phone. Olavi, could you answer that? she said. No answer. Olavi-

Olavis bed was empty. The sheets nicely folded, a little piece of paper on the pillow. Astrid figured that it was a note telling her that hed gone downstairs for some breakfast. Instead of getting the paper, she answered the phone. Good morning sweetheart- or is it night over there? Good evening dear. Her husband laughed. Listen, is Olavi there? I wanted to talk to he- uh, him. Id been thinking and Id been too harsh. I want to tell him that Im sorry and that Ill have his back on what ever sh-, he decides to do. That means a lot- we can finally be some sort of family, She said. Listen, I think Olavi went downstairs for some breakfast. Im kind of hungry- had a long night. Okay, make sure that you tell him what I said, he said. Have him call before surgery. Will do. Making her way towards the note, Astrid looked at the floor and saw Olavis sweat-covered bra and clothes from the day before. Although he lived as a boy, he still had an impeccable sense of style- hed worn a red polo, white dickis and a pair of loafers- a classy little hipster boy. That damn, kid. He could never clean up after himself. As she made her way to the closet to create some sort of dirty clothes pile- she caught a glimpse of the bathroom- still smeared with last nights drama in the form of tears and cosmetics. She couldnt have the maids deal with her mess- she dropped the clothes in the same spot she found them and made her way to the bathroom to wipe up her tears and try to remove the stains shed left on the pretty hand towels that shed found in the bathroom. After shed finished, she looked at the time and it was already 8am. Fuck, what time is his appointment. she said.

She checked his backpack, still laying near his bed and found the folder that had all of his information for the surgery scheduled that day. Next to the line that said Appointment Time she read 8:30am. Well look at that, you can be on another continent and the kid is still late for his own appointment, she said. Without realizing that she was only wearing a robe, Astrid ran downstairs and into the dining room of the hotel. Olavi was nowhere to be found. Olavi! she called. No luck. She realized that there was a note on the bed. Maybe hed gone to the doctor himselfbeing that his mother locked herself in the bathroom that night. In the hotel room, she made her way towards the bed. She unfolded the note and her face went pale. She collapsed onto the floor and started sobbing. Shed called the police. N pn trwc Chukchein khxng khu khx xar ansered the Police. Shes gone. Astrid cried. She hung up the phone and made her way to the closet. The police spoke Thai. It was no use. She would have to look for Olavi herself. She opened the closet and her search was over. She was face to face with her daughter. Feet dangling and a sheet fashioned into a rope and tied around her neck. She had the hotel employees help her call an ambulance and make the arrangements to ship the body back to the states. As she watched the body being loaded into the back of the car. She couldnt stop saying what the note had said to her self: Tell dad I died a girl.