TAKEN IN HAND

2003-2013

VOLUME I
 CONTENTS
QUOTATIONS
What people say about Taken In Hand 1
Glossary 4
Quotations: A 8
Quotations: B 14
Quotations: C 16
Quotations: D 18
Quotations: E 22
Quotations: F 24
Quotations: G 25
Quotations: H 25
Quotations: I 27
Quotations: J 28
Quotations: K 32
Quotations: L 33
Quotations: M 36
Quotations: N 41
Quotations: O 43
Quotations: P 44
Quotations: Q 48
Quotations: R 48
Quotations: S 49
Quotations: T 55
Quotations: U 57
Quotations: V 57
Quotations: W 57
Quotations: X 58
Quotations: Y 59
Quotations: Z 59

COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004

“What is a Taken In Hand relationship?” (22 September 2003) 63
“Why is the Taken In Hand dynamic so …” (22 September 2003) 63
“Is a Taken In Hand woman a …” (22 September 2003) 65
“How can I determine whether my new …” (22 September 2003) 65
“How can I determine whether my new …” (22 September 2003) 67
“How do I find a woman who will want a …” (22 September 2003) 68
“How do I find a take-charge man who will …” (22 September 2003) 71
“How do we get started?” (22 September 2003) 74
“Is Taken In Hand about discipline?” (22 September 2003) 76
“Is Taken In Hand about dominance and …” (22 September 2003) 77
“Why does Taken In Hand make spouses …” (22 September 2003) 78
“What if the man makes a mistake?” (22 September 2003) 78
“Does the husband have to be perfect?” (22 September 2003) 79
“Is this infantilising for the woman?” (22 September 2003) 80
“Why do some women want this kind of …” (22 September 2003) 80
“Is Taken In Hand a political matter?” (22 September 2003) 81
“How do I know whether Taken In Hand …” (22 September 2003) 81
“Why are Taken In Hand relationships so …” (22 September 2003) 83
“Is a Taken In Hand relationship for …” (22 September 2003) 84
“What you need to know about Taken …” (23 September 2003) 84
“Laying the groundwork for other …” (23 September 2003) 86
“What if she isn't interested in this?” (26 September 2003) 86
“Where are all the strong men?” (26 September 2003) 87
“To let go” (28 September 2003) 88
“Tradition, feminism, Victoria and Albert” (30 September 2003) 89
“Don't go into your cave, get out your …” (1 October 2003) 90
“White hot intensity and boundless joy” (2 October 2003) 92
“Quiet authority” (3 October 2003) 93
“Finding a good man” (4 October 2003) 93
“The night that changed our marriage for ever” (5 October 2003) 95
“Total obedience?” (6 October 2003) 95
“Dominant to the last” (7 October 2003) 97
“A need for control” (8 October 2003) 98
“The sweetest ‘Benevolent Dictatorship’ ever” (9 October 2003) 98
“Ms. Damen [should be] taken in hand (I jest!)” (10 October 2003) 101
“Creating an unbreakable bond of love takes …” (10 October 2003) 102
“Taken In Hand in a nutshell” (12 October 2003) 103
“Reaching out by offering yourself” (12 October 2003) 104
“Is this a victory?” (13 October 2003) 105
“When I'm in overdrive...” (14 October 2003) 105
“The Taming of the Shrew” (15 October 2003) 106
“The dual failures of men” (16 October 2003) 111
“American Beauty meets The Surrendered Wife” (16 October 2003) 112
“The Path” (17 October 2003) 112
“Cherishing the Family: Little Things have …” (18 October 2003) 117
“My Fascinating Journey” (18 October 2003) 117
“I'm so Lucky to have Found The Right Man” (19 October 2003) 118
“Is He Who (or Where) He says He is?” (20 October 2003) 119
“Why Men Start and Why they Stop” (22 October 2003) 125
“Letter to a Potential Partner” (24 October 2003) 127
“In Praise of Fascinating Womanhood” (25 October 2003) 129
“How to Break it to a New Man” (26 October 2003) 131
“Obedience and Autonomy” (27 October 2003) 133
“What Happens when he Makes a Mistake?” (28 October 2003) 136
“My perfect guy, and the marriage he has …” (29 October 2003) 136
“The Impossibility of Installing a Spine in a …” (29 October 2003) 138
“How Sleeping Beauty found Her Prince” (1 November 2003) 139
“Blanket Consent” (4 November 2003) 140
“Throw Out the Rules!” (5 November 2003) 142
“Safewords” (6 November 2003) 144
“Obedience” (8 November 2003) 146
“First Year Trials” (10 November 2003) 150
“Blush and Gary, by Gary” (11 November 2003) 151
“How we got past the year from hell” (12 November 2003) 154
“Romantic Rituals for the Taken in Hand” (13 November 2003) 155
“It's like this, Beloved: I Need to be Spanked” (15 November 2003) 155
“The changes show! What should I tell …” (17 November 2003) 157
“Surrendered in love” (19 November 2003) 159
“Liberated through Submission” (20 November 2003) 160
“Why a man might be reluctant and what …” (21 November 2003) 160
“Hands-on approach” (22 November 2003) 162
“No more waiting!” (23 November 2003) 164
“Why you shouldn't mention the 'M' word” (24 November 2003) 167
“Being taken in hand is hot!” (25 November 2003) 168
“I fear I have awoken a sleeping dragon” (26 November 2003) 171
“Each to his own” (27 November 2003) 172
“Who needs forbidden fruit when you …” (28 November 2003) 172
“Why you should not withhold spanking!” (29 November 2003) 173
“How I feel before, during and after being …” (1 December 2003) 177
“I want it all, and I want it now!” (3 December 2003) 178
“Feeling the dragon's fire” (4 December 2003) 181
“What do you mean, you want to be taken …” (9 December 2003) 182
“How it felt to be taken in hand for the very …” (10 December 2003) 185
“Is your new man dominant, domineering …” (12 December 2003) 186
“Why does being taken in hand work?” (13 December 2003) 188
“How can you submit when you feel …” (14 December 2003) 188
“No helpless hysterical heroines here!” (15 December 2003) 189
“The difference between dominant and …” (16 December 2003) 192
“I want... to be possessed” (17 December 2003) 192
“Dealing with a man who doesn't do …” (17 December 2003) 193
“What easy-to-say word gives every …” (18 December 2003) 194
“Spanking is the last resort” (18 December 2003) 195
“How I met my husband, and how that …” (19 December 2003) 196
“Why being taken in hand helps” (20 December 2003) 197
“Do you have a commanding presence?” (21 December 2003) 197
“Making it explicit versus keeping it implicit” (22 December 2003) 199
“I want...” (23 December 2003) 201
“Safe” (24 December 2003) 201
“A love letter” (27 December 2003) 201
“Give new love a chance” (28 December 2003) 202
“How I turned the fantasy into reality” (29 December 2003) 203
“The healing power of taking her in hand” (31 December 2003) 205
“Is there consent?” (1 January 2004) 205
“She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!” (2 January 2004) 207
“I don't want to be a servant or slave” (3 January 2004) 211
“The appeal of a very feminine woman” (7 January 2004) 212
“The paradox of the strong and submissive …” (8 January 2004) 213
“What's in it for the man? Freedom!” (10 January 2004) 215
“Journey into true submission” (12 January 2004) 216
“Out of control, insane, driven by our …” (13 January 2004) 226
“A new journey” (14 January 2004) 227
“Happily married to a dominant man” (15 January 2004) 229
“Resolving an internal conflict” (16 January 2004) 230
“Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants …” (19 January 2004) 232
“The exquisite pleasure of childlikeness in a …” (21 January 2004) 236
“What the woman gets out of it” (23 January 2004) 237
“Spanking as connection” (25 January 2004) 238
“The Eskimo analogy” (26 January 2004) 240
“Secretary: the film” (29 January 2004) 242
“What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? …” (1 February 2004) 243
“What does the man get out of it? Many things!” (3 February 2004) 253
“Do you think he doesn't have it in him?” (4 February 2004) 255
“Ever-deepening total love” (5 February 2004) 256
“About Schmidt: choose engagement, not …” (5 February 2004) 259
“The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle: a …” (9 February 2004) 261
“The coming battle” (11 February 2004) 261
“Does it have to hurt to be Taken In Hand?” (12 February 2004) 266
“Each relationship is a unique work in progress” (13 February 2004) 268
“What I get out of it” (15 February 2004) 269
“Change of heart” (17 February 2004) 270
“It's not about blame, so forget fairness!” (18 February 2004) 271
“Offering an olive branch” (18 February 2004) 271
“Is he one of the good guys... or not?” (20 February 2004) 272
“Don't tell me to leave my baggage at the door” (21 February 2004) 273
“Why is real punishment spanking erotic?” (22 February 2004) 274
“A breakdown on the road to intimacy” (22 February 2004) 274
“My deep dark secret” (27 February 2004) 277
“The paradox of the master and the queen” (28 February 2004) 278
“Never do without sex again” (28 February 2004) 278
“Looking into the mirror of life” (28 February 2004) 279
“Sharing the secret of our success” (1 March 2004) 279
“The anchor of love” (3 March 2004) 282
“The difference between dominant and …” (6 March 2004) 283
“Don't tell anyone I'm here!” (12 March 2004) 283
“Subjugation or submission?” (13 March 2004) 284
“The joy of the master-queen dynamic” (13 March 2004) 284
“The face, the mask, and the dream” (14 March 2004) 287
“When rape is a gift” (15 March 2004) 287
“From vague awareness to a beautiful relationship” (18 March 2004) 289
“Does being taken in hand mean not saying …” (20 March 2004) 290
“Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close” (22 March 2004) 290
“The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship” (25 March 2004) 291
“Moving into a Taken In Hand relationship” (26 March 2004) 292
“Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be” (27 March 2004) 293
“What Taken In Hand has done for our marriage” (28 March 2004) 295
“The F-word” (28 March 2004) 296
“He who dares, wins” (28 March 2004) 297
“The nature and effects of consensual non-consent” (29 March 2004) 298
“An 1897 woman's ‘ideal of manhood’” (30 March 2004) 300
“How I became submissive” (1 April 2004) 302
“Surrendering to the man I nearly destroyed” (3 April 2004) 304
“Why Taken In Hand isn't actually unfair” (5 April 2004) 307
“How can I be sure that she wants to be …” (6 April 2004) 308
“Taken In Hand saved our marriage from doom” (9 April 2004) 310
“To be taken” (16 April 2004) 311
“Are you under misapprehensions about Taken …” (18 April 2004) 312
“The hazards of self-sacrifice and impossible …” (20 April 2004) 313
“Actions speak louder than words” (21 April 2004) 314
“Chemistry is indispensable” (21 April 2004) 315
“The alpha male and masculine power” (23 April 2004) 315
“Consensual rape as a gift of control” (26 April 2004) 317
“Submission and security” (1 May 2004) 319
“Authority in a Taken In Hand relationship” (5 May 2004) 320
“The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance” (7 May 2004) 321
“Taken In Hand by an ardent feminist” (11 May 2004) 322
“The worm turns (a little late, but better late than …” (22 June 2004) 323
“Timeshare taming” (25 June 2004) 324
“Who says you have to be submissive?” (15 July 2004) 324
“There is no knight in shining armour” (9 August 2004) 326
“How Taken In Hand exorcised my inner demon” (11 August 2004) 327
“Three different experiences of rape” (13 August 2004) 328
“Knights earn the name” (18 August 2004) 330
“I am a man looking for the one. How does …” (24 August 2004) 331
“Learning the ropes” (25 August 2004) 335
“Decades of discipline, decades of happy …” (26 August 2004) 337
“Don't forget your whip” (27 August 2004) 338
“Wanting a masterful man” (29 August 2004) 341
“Empowering dominance” (31 August 2004) 341
“Why would a women want to be spanked?” (3 September 2004) 342
“Craving protection, learning to trust” (5 September 2004) 343
“Understanding” (6 September 2004) 345
“Women want men who are more dominant” (9 September 2004) 347
“Accommodating needs can't be done by …” (10 September 2004) 348
“Communication” (15 September 2004) 349
“A relationship of equals” (19 September 2004) 349
“The resistant woman” (20 September 2004) 351
“Human alpha, beta, and omega males: the …” (25 September 2004) 352
“Changing for myself” (26 September 2004) 353
“What women don't want” (28 September 2004) 354
“Brought to submission” (30 September 2004) 356
“Strength and ceding control” (7 October 2004) 356
“In defence of brats everywhere!” (11 October 2004) 357
“Taking her in hand is not a contact sport” (12 October 2004) 358
“Alpha male dominance” (17 October 2004) 359
“What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not” (18 October 2004) 360
“Seduction of the independent female” (19 October 2004) 363
“How my husband took my clothing choices …” (19 October 2004) 372
“Dominance, integrity and needing to feel …” (19 October 2004) 372
“Our new beginning” (20 October 2004) 374
“Dominance and forcefulness, and violence” (20 October 2004) 375
“Asserting dominance physically forcefully” (21 October 2004) 376
“Force of will” (22 October 2004) 378
“Can two dominant individuals have a good …” (22 October 2004) 379
“Which comes first? Dominance or submission?” (23 October 2004) 379
“Happy living in fear of a man?!” (25 October 2004) 381
“The erotic power of the unshackled man” (30 October 2004) 382
“Embracing my inner adult” (30 October 2004) 384
“Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle” (30 October 2004) 385
“He owns it all...” (3 November 2004) 386
“Ownership as bonding” (3 November 2004) 386
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” (6 November 2004) 387
“What works for us” (6 November 2004) 387
“Why would anyone want to be controlled …” (7 November 2004) 389
“Monogamy” (11 November 2004) 390
“Beauty is skin deep; sexy is forever” (12 November 2004) 393
“Have you captured her mind?” (14 November 2004) 393
“How can a strong woman signal her …” (14 November 2004) 394
“Mistakes made in forming relationships” (17 November 2004) 395
“Look for love” (18 November 2004) 396
“Quietly taken in hand” (20 November 2004) 397
“Love and fear” (24 November 2004) 398
“My marriage is a safe haven” (25 November 2004) 400
“A reality check for critics” (27 November 2004) 401
“Has feminism gone too far?” (27 November 2004) 403
“The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan …” (1 December 2004) 407
“Wedding vows—I promised to ‘obey’” (3 December 2004) 409
“Relationship and health versus productivity” (3 December 2004) 410
“The soothing effect of vowing to obey” (3 December 2004) 411
“My wife cherishes me” (7 December 2004) 411
“Some possible benefits of taking your wife …” (8 December 2004) 412
“Now I want my husband all the time” (8 December 2004) 412
“Self-realization--the catapult” (8 December 2004) 413
“BDSM rituals and rule-bound relationships” (10 December 2004) 414
“And Adam knew his wife” (10 December 2004) 415
“Trials and errors - appeasement for anger” (11 December 2004) 416
“PUT women in their place” (13 December 2004) 417
“Is it a mistake to spank when angry?” (14 December 2004) 418
“Can physical chastisement cure bad habits?” (14 December 2004) 419
“Don't wait too long to tell her” (14 December 2004) 419
“Why is BDSM so popular?” (16 December 2004) 420
“What women need to know about men” (17 December 2004) 423
“Trust is what makes my relationship so …” (17 December 2004) 424
“Domestic discipline (DD)” (18 December 2004) 424
“An etiquette in the relationship” (20 December 2004) 429
“What being taken in hand means to me” (21 December 2004) 429
“The submissive alpha female” (21 December 2004) 430
“The importance of conquest” (21 December 2004) 431
“Is chastity overrated?” (22 December 2004) 432
“The dance of consent” (22 December 2004) 435
“Women need to know when NOT to do as …” (23 December 2004) 436
“Communication, consent and connection” (24 December 2004) 438
“An iron hand in a velvet glove” (25 December 2004) 439
“Give the right impression?” (26 December 2004) 440
“Fear” (27 December 2004) 440
“Virtues of the lowly switch” (28 December 2004) 441
“I was drawn to his old-fashioned ways” (29 December 2004) 441
“Why did it take us 20 years?” (31 December 2004) 442

Notes 444
QUOTATIONS
 WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT TAKEN IN HAND
“[Taken In Hand] is not a regres- ship a lot more male dominant than
sive return to patriarchy but a more typical BDSM ones. It's subversive,
nuanced, sophisticated, informed yet healthy and natural.” -
form of relationship that is far more basilransom
equal than mechanically-equal rela- “‘How does Taken In Hand help
tionships! Bravo.” - saint_UK the man to feel positive about his
“[U]ntil 2 days ago I thought I was relationship?’
a crazy, ... abnormal woman. [T]hen “Because it's SEXY. Because it allows
I stumbled onto the Taken in Hand him to dominate his woman in a
website. I have never felt such relief, loving and romantic way, which
such internal peace in my life. This turns them both on and heats their
whole idea of being loved and trust- love life up to a toasty sizzle. I see
ing enough in another to place my, [Taken In Hand] as a chance for him
his and our well-being into his to have fun flexing his manhood
hands was exactly what I have been muscles and enjoy the thrill of dom-
searching for my whole life. I spent inating the woman he loves. That
16 hours just reading... It is like a way it's a win-win situation for both
huge weight has lifted off my shoul- of them. And it deepens the roman-
ders.” - Melissa tic bonds of love between us because
“It was my wonderful husband few things can liven up a marriage
who made me ...see how a Taken In like deep sexual passion.” -
Hand relationship would be every- DeeMarie
thing I ever wanted... Nothing... has “[I]n Taken In Hand, I am enhanc-
ever changed me to such an extent... ing and extending my power as a
nor has anything been as liberating.” woman, and enriching my life and
- Peach personality. I give up NOTHING,
“[Taken In Hand is] a site advocat- and gain the world.... [M]y percep-
ing male led relationships, and it tion of Taken In Hand is that there
doesn't suffer from the flaws of are few other venues that can com-
BDSM that we've identified... It's a pare for teaching men the responsi-
little too general, and too focused on ble, healthy uses of power. It gives
marital relationships. But that aside, men skills and confidence they can
what it describes sounds a lot more use not just in their sexual relation-
authentically dominant than the ships, but also with their children, in
BDSM I've seen. The [man is in con- their professions, and out in the
trol of the woman] in all spheres. community. Taken In Hand requires
But because he loves her and cares a far higher level of courage, sacri-
for her, he will behave within rea- fice, responsibility, and personal
son. Also, neither party has a way integrity than many [men] will even
out, because they are married and think to aspire to.” - Sara
believe marriage is for life. All that “Taken In Hand is about having
together makes this sort of relation- the man in charge because you like it
1
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
like that, it's not about blind obedi- for Christians who are interested in
ence or never having your own way BDSM. But there are very few web-
about anything.” - Louise sites for people who are interested in
“First of all, all you guys should male-led intimate relationships but
check out this website, who are not interested in all that the
www.takeninhand.com, very inter- above communities associate with
esting stuff here, check out the this kind of relationship (jargon,
Commanding Presence [and] Alpha clothes, etc.)
Males articles, [...] very valuable “Some of us don't even like think-
insights. [...] I'm taken by this site.” - ing of this as a lifestyle. [...]
Eric “If you are interested in this kind
“Taken In Hand is serious about of relationship but are not interested
the nature of male-female relation- in BDSM or D/s or DD or spanking
ships, [...], in way I find exhilarating, websites, there's a new website for
honest, refreshing, courageous, and you: Taken In Hand” - Tom New-
exciting.” - HoneyBun man
“Taken In Hand: Fascinating... “Taken in Hand is a fascinating
blog that deals with difficult and hot site. It’s refreshing to hear women
topics!” - Polly Peachum speaking in those terms, standing up
“The Taken in Hand website has for core desires that are, for many
proven to be a valuable source for people, an unpopular view...
intelligent and well thought out arti- “What these women want, and
cles exploring [male-led relation- apparently have found, is an experi-
ships]. [...] For women who have ence and feeling of freedom to simp-
longed for a relationship such as this ly be who they desire to be. They
and have no idea where to start, this have found REAL MEN.” - J. Mar-
is a great site for you. For men that tinez
want to better understand the whole “If you're looking for real people
concept from a women’s point of who live a "male-led" relationship...
view, this site is a must read.” - check out the Taken In Hand site,
Michael Masterson which I found so much more color-
“If you think my perspective on ful than Fifty Shades of Grey.” - Kim
dating isn't politically correct you “[Taken In Hand is] a necessary
should go read Taken In Hand. [It read... Very complex, lots of power
has] posts with titles like, When rape shifts, combining respect with [con-
is a gift. You go, girl. Defy those trol], and pleasure. [...] The whole
hairy-armpitted feminists and enjoy shebang. I'm glad I found it.” -
yourself. :)” - Jacqueline Passey Dutchman
“There are lots of websites for “Taken In Hand... is the name of a
people in the BDSM, D/s, DD (do- website that I discovered less than
mestic discipline) and spanking two years ago and which made a big
communities. There are websites for difference to my life. It made me
people who belong to religions that understand what it was I wanted
advocate male-head-of-household and helped me to come to terms
marriage. There are even websites with my own feelings and gave me
2
 QUOTATIONS
the impetus to talk seriously to my way that affirms the dignity of both
husband about our relationship for men and women” - Mary
the first time ever really.” - Louise C “fantastic site” - Danevah
“[Taken In Hand is] one of the “Taken In Hand is male led but
most exciting sites on the internet!” - male intimately led. ... I do like the
Malcolm Taken In Hand focus on family and
“[T]he whole damn site really is the focus that marriage is between
one of the most well articulated one man and one woman. That is
(pro/con) loaded blogs I've seen. It actually very important to me.” -
provides a cross section of how peo- Frank Nelson
ple are feeling out there even “Innately, women look for men
amongst those who are “seemingly” able to take charge and come to des-
natural allies.” - zbigdogX pise the man failing to live up to that
“As I view it, I'm a control freak. I instinctive expectation.
love to be in control. However, I “Over the next several years—as
fantasize about that control being footloose and fancy-free lifestyles
stripped from me and handed over become increasingly fraught with
to someone else....namely, my hus- dubious outcomes amid turbulent
band. I'm just glad I found a site that circumstances—finding and main-
makes me realize I'm not a freak for taining stable relationships will be-
wanting [a Taken In Hand relation- come imperative. Although by no
ship]” - GypsyGirl means a perfect solution for all prob-
““[Taken In Hand is] a wonderful lems, Taken In Hand can solve or
website [...] [I]t's about the interper- reduce many marital difficulties.” -
sonal dynamics of loving relation- Noone
ships where the man is the boss. “Un site remarquable” - Camille
[I]t's assumed that both partners are Meudon
in it because that's what they want “Visit Taken in Hand for a lot of
and have chosen. Also, unlike many good thoughts. I think you'll find
other “traditional marriage” sites, them useful [...]” - Katy
it's not coming from any sort of bib- “a wonderful site” - CoHC
lical perspective. ... Some of the best “The answer to every single dis-
writing I've seen on these topics, cussion is there. Best piece of text I
from a variety of authors.” - Dee read ever...And it rings SO true.” -
“Taken In Hand is actually a very Revan
important site for me and it helped a “What a wonderful website. ... [S]o
great deal in realizing how much much of this I can relate to my life. ...
women in general like to be domi- It has been a while since I have read
nated in their sexual relationship.” - a website that was “different” than
Athol Kay most.” - Carla
“A very cool site” - The Yeti “This website is just what I have
“Thank you for providing such a been looking for for ages—but did
positive, validating place for like- not even know it! Have become
minded people to talk about this in a weary of [other] sites, etc. They nev-
er really properly address the psy-
3
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
chological components, all the sub- sticks around forever!” - A Girl
tleties [...] [A]nyway, thanks so From Texas1
much for existing, I have been telling
my friends...hope your website

GLOSSARY
Do not read this glossary to get an scenes and role-playing in a particu-
idea of what Taken In Hand is lar style (such as master-slave or
about, because these terms are not dominant-submissive) but outside
about Taken In Hand, and I, the site the sexual arena the relationship (if
owner, don't use them myself. there is a relationship) is completely
equal. 24/7 BDSM relationships can
A Taken In Hand relationship be an extended scene with all the
Taken In Hand relationships are safeguards for which the BDSM
wholehearted sexually-exclusive community is well-known, or (I'm
marriages in which the husband told) it can be more like a Taken In
wears the trousers and is firmly in Hand relationship, with no safety
charge (to his wife's delight!)—and net. BDSM is associated with play
he always puts his wife and their parties and munchies, promiscuity,
relationship first. Putting her and open relationships, extreme sex,
the relationship first is the key to pain, humiliation play, and the use
creating a marriage in which the of particular costumes, modes of
man is in control in a good, healthy address, rituals and protocols, but
and sustainable way. Taken In Hand not all BDSM folk enjoy all or any of
wives tend not to claim to be sub- these things. BDSM folk tend to
missive (though their husbands may think that Taken In Hand is BDSM
well consider them to be so) but they but BDSM leaves most Taken In
do respect, honour and appreciate Hand folk cold, so I don't think Tak-
their husbands and strive to please en In Hand can really be said to be
them. BDSM. Moreover, BDSM communi-
ty ideas, behaviours and ways of
BDSM using language, seem from the per-
Taken In Hand is not BDSM, so if spective of Taken In Hand a bit too
you've come to this site looking for rigid, rule-bound and formulaic.
BDSM you are going to be very dis- BDSM relationships look too static
appointed. BDSM (bondage, domi- and somehow artificial to me with
nance, submission, sadism, maso- my Taken In Hand inclinations.
chism), also called “kinky”, refers to Taken In Hand readers simply don't
a number of different ways of inter- find BDSM literature and ideas erot-
acting sexually, and/or relationship ic even though they are more than
styles, including very ritualised, willing to admit that they do find
stylised modes of interaction. Some Taken In Hand ideas erotic. BDSM
BDSM relationships involve sexual doesn't float the average Taken In

4
 QUOTATIONS
Hand person's boat. This is in no ing in charge. The psychological
way to say that BDSM people are in state of the Taken In Hand wife is
any way inferior or wrong: I am neither the same as that of the
merely pointing out that from a Tak- abused wife (who is not consent-
en In Hand perspective, there is ing)—and nor is it the same as some
a difference. mentally disturbed submissive
[…] women, who really aren't consenting
to everything they are subjected to,
Blanket consent but whose psychological autonomy
Blanket consent refers to the idea is too fractured for them to assert
of giving your husband the freedom themselves. They submit not in joy
to act forcefully and at least in one and delight but in pain and distress.
sense (though not a deeper sense) This is not genuine consent, howev-
‘against your will’. I, the owner of er much they may say that it is. This
this site, find this idea problematic, is disturbed vulnerable individuals
in that it is often taken to mean giv- being further harmed. If it wounds
ing consent explicitly once, such that you—if it makes you feel dis-
the other person may rely on that tressed—you are not genuinely con-
consent for ever more, irrespective senting, and no good can come of it.
of anything the person who gave the The idea of blanket consent does not
blanket consent may then say. To capture all this, so I think it is a bad
me, consent is vital, and the idea of term to use.
blanket consent—at least as posters
sometimes express it here—seems to D/s
allow for real non-consent. To my D/s or Ds (not to be confused with
mind, consent is important in the Taken In Hand) is about dominance
moment, on an on-going basis. I do and submission and means different
not mean that there must be explicit things to different people. It may or
consent, but the person must be con- may not involve a relationship, and
senting psychologically, as opposed a D/s relationship may or may not
to distressed. The abused wife who be sexually exclusive one (unlike
refuses to leave her husband is dis- Taken In Hand, which assumes a
tressed and would prefer her hus- wholehearted, sexually exclusive,
band not to abuse her. She is not fully-committed, permanent mar-
consenting in the important psycho- riage). It can be all about the domi-
logical sense, even if she refuses to nant partner, the submissive part-
leave him, even if she says she con- ner(s) being expected to serve and
sents. But a Taken In Hand wife service the dominant partner's every
(who some might mistakenly think whim. D/s relationships sometimes
is being abused) is not only not dis- fall into the mistake of the dominant
tressed but is psychologically deeply partner being so self-absorbed that it
consenting and would hate it if her harms the submissive partner(s).
bossy husband were to start defer- (Taken In Hand is not all about the
ring to her or if he were to stop be- man, it is for both, and whilst the

5
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
husband is in charge, both try to cipline” used in a consensual rela-
please the other, as opposed to one tionship, NOT to anything really
doing all the giving and the other non-consensual. This is not about
doing all the receiving. Moreover, in abuse. If you ask the person whether
a Taken In Hand relationship, be- she would REALLY prefer not to be
cause the husband has power over disciplined, she would say “No! I
his wife, he takes special care always prefer this kind of relationship. I
to put his wife and their relationship love it that he feels able to take this
first. This is the key to being in action! I do NOT want him not to
charge in a good, healthy and sus- discipline me!” She might say that it
tainable way.) is against her will at the time it hap-
pens, but if anyone were to try to get
DD (Domestic Discipline) her to leave her partner, she would
DD (domestic discipline) refers to be thinking, “What?! Are you CRA-
spanking and/or other forms of ZY?! This is the kind of relationship
“discipline’ (such as corner time, I've always DREAMED of! No WAY
writing lines, etc) used, usually in a am I leaving!” and she would NOT
relationship though not necessarily, be happy if you were to succeed in
as “punishment’ for “infractions’ of persuading her husband or boy-
“rules’. This thrills and excites the friend to desist from this “disci-
partners but they often swear blind pline”. Some readers may get the
that there is no erotic element. DD impression that the discipline is not
relationships often fall into the prob- consensual, because some people
lem of the spanker being burdened draw a distinction between “erotic
with taking responsibility for the discipline” and “non-erotic disci-
behaviour of the spankee, who can pline”. In my view, “non-erotic dis-
in some cases be very high- cipline” refers to discipline which
maintenance, narcissistic and self- appears to be against the person's
absorbed. (By contrast, Taken In will in the moment it happens, but
Hand is not all about the woman, it which that person wants at a deeper
is for both wife and husband, and level, such that without it, she
while some Taken In Hand relation- would feel that there is something
ships do involve physical force, Tak- missing, or she would not be so at-
en In Hand wives absolutely take tracted to and excited by her hus-
responsibility for their own actions, band, etc. For some women, this
and strive to please their husband helps them feel relaxed and safe.
rather than making his life a misery They need to know that their man
with endless high-maintenance de- will not let them ill-treat him or oth-
mands.) erwise behave badly. Note that “dis-
cipline” is not a part of most Taken
Discipline In Hand relationships. I mention this
(Not necessarily anything to do term simply because some readers
with Taken In Hand, note.) Disci- (particularly DD folk) mention it
pline, in this context, refers to “dis- here, and I want to stress the con-

6
 QUOTATIONS
sensual nature of what they are re- ly describes masochism this way:
ferring to. “Masochism is an art of holding
oneself in oppositional extremity.
head of the household The masochist sees himself living—
HOH stands for “Head of the appears to live—in extremis, at the
Household”; HOR stands for “Head very edge of danger, madness,
of the Relationship”. They refer to a death. A masochist's pleasure is ex-
relationship structure in which one tremely painful and his pain, ex-
partner, usually the man, is deemed tremely pleasurable. Often opposite
by both partners to be in charge. feelings like pride and humiliation
Again, this can mean different are present simultaneously, both
things to different people. In some torturous, both pleasurable. In the
cases, it means that he makes all the midst of such emotional extremity,
decisions; in others, it means that he the need and feeding of the maso-
is the final arbiter if there is a dis- chistic compulsion is clearly, itself,
pute; in others, it means simply that part of the torture and pleasure.
he leads slightly in some areas of There is pride in this cliff-hanging
their relationship. It might be quite extremity, in maintaining these im-
obvious that the man is the master, possible oppositions without plung-
or it might be quite subtle and not ing over the edge. It is an extreme
obvious. It might just mean that the pride, a pride of extremity, of going
man “wears the trousers” in some to extremes and surviving. It is a
sense. Again, not all Taken In Hand pride of promethean proportions.”
couples identify with the HoH idea. (page 92)
I mention this term simply because
some posters use it here. OTK
OTK stands for “over the knee”
M/s and refers to putting your wife over
(Again, nothing to do with Taken your knee and spanking her. Not a
In Hand.) M/s refers to the “mas- Taken In Hand thing, but the term is
ter/slave” relationship, in which one sometimes used by DD folk on this
person is owned by the other, either site nevertheless.
with all that that implies, in the case
of an absolute power relationship, or SM (sadomasochism)
in a more superficial sense. SM (sadomasochism) is a psycho-
logical tendency to derive sexual
Masochism pleasure from getting or giving emo-
Masochism is the psychological tional and/or physical pain. Sado-
tendency to derive pleasure, often masochistic relationships and inter-
including sexual pleasure, from actions are often intense. Fictional
emotional or physical pain. Please examples—rather unhealthy ones—
note that Taken In Hand is not about can be found in The Night Porter and
masochism. In her book, Masochism: possibly Naboer. Please note that
A Jungian View, Lyn Cowan brilliant- Taken In Hand is not SM.

7
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
person completely controls another
Service kink in a long-term relationship. Also
The service kink is a need to serve known as an “absolute power rela-
that amounts to, or is related to, an tionship” it is what both parties
erotic preference. This has absolute- want. TPE relationships are usually
ly nothing to do with Taken In considered the hardcore, extreme
Hand. Some authorities (such as Pat end of BDSM. Some BDSM websites
Allen) argue that it is the masculine describe this as the ultimate domi-
leader who serves the woman he nant-submissive relationship; others
leads, and the feminine woman in or say that it is merely a distant aim
desiring a male-led relationship who and not something they think they
receives his service. can actually achieve. Paradoxically,
perhaps, some descriptions of
Submission TPE/AP relationships sound much
Submission can mean many differ- more like a Taken In Hand relation-
ent things, most not consistent with ship than you might expect if you
a Taken In Hand relationship. As think of TPE as extreme BDSM. Tak-
you will see if you take the Taken In en In Hand can sound boringly con-
Hand tour, Taken In Hand woman servative and conventional to any-
generally do not claim to be submis- one with a penchant for some of the
sive. They do, however, enjoy being more elaborate, painful, ritualistic,
firmly kept in line by their husband, theatrical, humiliating BDSM prac-
and they do positively want him to tices, but it is hardcore and extreme
be in charge. to anyone who doesn't like the idea
of the man's control not being con-
TPE fined to set scenes and times. Per-
TPE stands for “total power ex- haps TPE is where Taken In Hand
change” and depending upon which meets BDSM.2
source you read, it implies that one

QUOTATIONS: A

These quotations are not intended to constitute advice, an argument, or

evidence for or against anything. This section is just a bit of fun! Please
don't take it too seriously! That a quote is included here should not be tak-
en to imply that it is endorsed, and it certainly should not be taken to im-
ply that the source of the quote is endorsed.

“Submissive men are much more serious erectile dysfunction. Not

likely than men with dominating surprisingly, men with high blood
personalities to become impotent as pressure, those who smoked and
they get older. ... By the end of the those who were obese were more
10-year study, 163 men, or 21 per- likely to develop ED. But even after
cent, reported developing mild or accounting for those risk factors,
8
 QUOTATIONS
men who scored low on scales of biography, Part One, Chapter Five,
dominance were about 60 percent page 64 of the HarperCollins paper-
more likely than their assertive back edition
counterparts to report erection prob- “The position of women over the
lems, the researchers found.” - years has definitely changed for the
Adam Marcus worse. We women have behaved
“A beauty is a woman you notice; like mugs. We have clamoured to be
a charmer is one who notices you.” - allowed to work as men work. Men.
Adlai Stevenson: The Stevenson not being fools, have taken kindly to
Wit (1966) the idea. Why support a wife?
“’You see, a man doesn't want to What's wrong with a wife support-
feel that a woman cares more for ing herself? She wants to do it. By
him than he does for her’. His voice golly, she can go on doing it!
grew warm as he went on ‘He “It seems sad that having estab-
doesn't want to feel owned, body and lished ourselves so cleverly as ‘the
soul. It's the damned possessive atti- weaker sex’ we should now be
tude! This man is mine—he belongs to broadly on a par with the women of
me! That's the sort of thing I can't primitive tribes who toil in the fields
stick—no man could stick! He wants all day, walk miles to gather
to own his woman; he doesn't camelthorn for fuel, and on trek car-
want her to own him.’” - Agatha ry all the pots, pans, household
Christie: Death on the Nile, Chapter equipment on their heads, while the
six gorgeous ornamental male sweeps
“But marriage means more than a on ahead, unburdened save for one
lover—I take an old-fashioned view lethal weapon with which to defend
that respect is necessary. Respect— his women.
which is not to be confused with “You've got to hand it to Victorian
admiration. To feel admiration for a women: they got their menfolk
man all through one's married life where they wanted them. They es-
would, I think, be excessively tedi- tablished their frailty, delicacy and
ous. You would get, as it were, a sensibility—their constant need of
mental crick in the neck. But respect being protected and cherished. Did
is a thing that you don't have to they lead miserable, servile lives,
think about, that you know thank- downtrodden and opressed? Such is
fully is there. As the old Irish wom- not my recollection of them. All my
an said of her husband ‘Himself is a grandmothers' friends seem to me in
good head to me.’ That, I think, is retrospect singularly resiliant and
what a woman needs. She wants to almost invariably succesful in get-
feel that in her man there is integri- ting their own way. They were
ty, that she can depend on him and tough, self-willed and remarkably
respect his judgement, and that well-read and well-informed.
when there is a difficult decision to “Mind you, they admired their
be made it can safely be left in his men enormously. They genuinely
hands.” - Agatha Christie: An Auto- thought men were splendid fel-

9
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
lows—dashing, inclined to be wick- “Never adopt an apologetic atti-
ed, easily led astray. In daily life a tude with a woman. She will take
woman got her own way whilst pay- you at your own valuation—and
ing due lipservice to male superiori- you deserve it. The humble spirit,
ty, so that her husband should not dear sir, is a wash-out in matrimony!
lose face. No woman can be expected to stand
“’Your father knows best, dear,’ up against it.” - Agatha Christie: The
was the public formula. The real case of the discontented husband,
approach came privately. ‘I'm sure in Parker Pyne Investigates
you are quite right in what you said, “Some women ... actually thrill to
John, but I wonder if you have con- the threat of physical violence. I've
sidered...’ never met one that does, mind you,
“In one respect man was but they probably do exist. In books.
parmount. He was the Head of the By men.” - Alan Ayckbourn: Round
House. A woman, when she mar- and Round the Garden
ried, accepted as her destiny his “Sure, you can be a romantic today
place in the world and his way of if you so choose, but it is a little like
life. That seems to me sound sense being a virgin in a whorehouse. It
and the foundation of happiness. If just doesn't fit with the temper of the
you can't face your man's way of times and gets no support in the
life, don't take that job—in other current atmosphere.” - Allan Bloom:
words, don't marry that man. Here, Love and Friendship, page 25
say is a wholesale draper: he is a “In family questions, inasmuch as
Roman Catholic: he prefers to live in men were understood to be so
a suburb: he plays golf and he likes strongly motivated by property, an
to go for holidays by the seaside. older wisdom tried to attach concern
That is what you are marrying. for the family to that motive: the
Make up your mind to it and like it. man was allowed and encouraged to
It won't be so difficult.” - Agatha regard his family as his property, so
Christie: An Autobiography, Part he would care for the former as he
Three, Chapter Two, page 134 of the would instinctively care for the lat-
HarperCollins paperback edition. ter... When wives and children come
“Mon ami, let this be a lesson to to the husband and father and say,
you. You are a man. Behave, then, ‘We are not your property; we are
like a man! It is against Nature for a ends in ourselves and demand to be
man to grovel. Women and Nature treated as such,’ the anonymous
have almost exactly the same reac- observer cannot help being im-
tions! Remember it is better to take pressed. But the difficulty comes
the largest plate within reach and when wives and children further
fling it at a woman's head than it is demand that the man continue to
to wriggle like a worm whenever care for them as before... The father
she looks at you!” - Agatha Chris- will almost inevitably constrict his
tie: Murder in Mesopotamia, chapter quest for property, cease being a
XXVII father and become a mere man

10
 QUOTATIONS
again... The hope is to have a happy “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a
city made up entirely of unhappy man who compels my strength, who
men... makes enormous demands on me,
“I am not arguing here that the old who does not doubt my courage or
family arrangements were good or my toughness, who does not believe
that we should or could go back to me naïve or innocent, who has the
them. I am only insisting that we not courage to treat me like a woman.” -
cloud our vision to such an extent Anaïs Nin [Where did she write
that we believe that there are viable this? If anyone can provide the full
substitutes for them just because we reference for this quotation, I'd ap-
want or need them. The peculiar preciate it.]
attachment of mothers for their chil- “It takes courage to push yourself
dren existed, and in some degree to places that you have never been
still exists, whether it was the prod- before ... to test your limits ... to
uct of nature or nurture. That fathers break through barriers. And the day
should have exactly the same kind came when the risk it took to remain
of attachment is much less evident. tight inside the bud was more pain-
We can insist on it, but if nature ful than the risk it took to blossom.”
does not cooperate, all our efforts - Anaïs Nin [Where did she write
will have been in vain. Biology forc- this? If anyone can provide the full
es women to take maternity leaves. reference for this quotation, I'd ap-
Law can enjoin men to take paterni- preciate it.]
ty leaves, but it cannot make them “Getting fucked and being owned
have the desired sentiments.” - Allan are inseparably the same.” - Andrea
Bloom: The Closing of the American Dworkin: Intercourse (1987)
Mind page 130 “If men have a right to rape wom-
“I do not want to be the leader. I en in marriage—even an implicit
refuse to be the leader. I want to live right, because juries will not con-
darkly and richly in my femaleness. vict—yes, then men do own wom-
I want a man lying over me, always en.” – Andrea Dworkin: Life and
over me. His will, his pleasure, his Death
desire, his life, his work, his sexuali- “[I]n these politically-correct times
ty the touchstone, the command, my where most women would not dare
pivot. I don't mind working, holding to admit openly—even to their close
my ground intellectually, artistically; female friends—that they enjoy be-
but as a woman, oh, God, as a wom- ing dominated—heterosexual wom-
an I want to be dominated. I don't en who do enjoy being dominated
mind being told to stand on my own are intimidated into silence.” - An-
feet, not to cling—all that I am capa- gry Harry: Intercourse
ble of doing—but I am going to be “Feminist analysis begins with the
pursued, fucked, possessed by the principle that objective reality is a
will of a male at his time, his bid- myth.” - Ann Scales, feminist legal
ding.” - Anaïs Nin: Incest scholar, in the Yale Law School Re-
view, c. 1990

11
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“‘Consent’ [is] the act of willingly “I am of the firm belief that in sex-
and verbally agreeing to engage in less marriages, the spouse who de-
specific sexual contact or conduct... nies sex is cheating the other out of
Verbal consent should be obtained their marriage agreement. I use the
with each new level of physical word ‘cheating’ quite purposely and
and/or sexual contact/conduct in see it as minimally different from an
any given interaction, regardless of ‘affair.’ The marriage agreement is
who initiates it. Asking, ‘Do you one of mutual sexual exclusivity and
want to have sex with me?’ is not meeting each other’s sexual needs. A
enough. The request for consent spouse who goes outside the rela-
must be specific to each act.” - Anti- tionship for sex denies the cheated
och College Date Rape Code, 1993 on spouse their half of the marriage
“’Men have forgotten this truth,’ agreement. A spouse who denies the
said the fox. ‘But you must not for- other reasonable sexual access cheats
get it. You become responsible, for- the other out of their half of the mar-
ever, for what you have tamed.’” - riage agreement. Either way the
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: The Little marriage is under enormous difficul-
Prince, page 103 ty.” - Athol Kay: The Married Man
“Man is active, full of movement, Sex Life Primer 2011, A Sexless Mar-
creative in politics, business and riage Cheats You, page 79
culture. The male shapes and “The majority of drama queens are
moulds society and the world. just seeking the king to finally show
Woman, on the other hand, is pas- up and tell her to knock it off.” -
sive. She stays at home, as is her Athol Kay: The Married Man Sex Life
nature. She is matter waiting to be Primer 2011, Unlearning that Being
formed by the active male principle. Male and Dominant is Evil, page 124
Of course the active elements are “My realization is that most wives
always higher on any scale, and want the First Officer job. Not
more divine. Man consequently Crewman Third Class, but not Cap-
plays a major part in reproduction; tain either. They want to have a say
the woman is merely the passive and be heard, they want to be trust-
incubator of his seed.” - Aristo- ed, they don’t want to be micro
tle: The Politics, Book I managed on decisions they are ca-
“The male is by nature superior pable of making themselves, they
and the female inferior; one rules can happily step it up into ‘having
and the other is ruled.” - Aristo- the bridge’ when their husbands
tle: The Politics, Book I aren’t available. They just would
“Men's courage is shown in com- rather be the second in command
manding and women's in obeying.” and follow someone else’s leader-
- Aristotle: The Politics, Book I ship and general direction. [...]
“The male is naturally more fitted “Husbands shouldn’t go into mar-
to command than the female (except riage and attempt to simply be a
where there is a miscarriage of na- member of the crew. If the husband
ture).” - Aristotle: The Politics, Book I is lazy and declines to fulfill the

12
 QUOTATIONS
Captain position, the wife will likely brey Andelin: Chapter 1, Man of Steel
try and assume a First Officer role. and Velvet
But if she takes the First Officer role “When a man has both Steel and
with an endlessly off duty Captain, Velvet qualities, It brings him peace,
that will make her the de facto Cap- happiness and fulfillment” - Aubrey
tain. That’s going to piss her off. He Andelin: Man of Steel and Velvet,
can even do everything she wants Chapter 2
and asks him to do, but by submit- “A woman loves only her master.”
ting to her perfectly, that can actual- - Aubrey Andelin: Man of Steel and
ly anger and disappoint her more Velvet
and more.” - Athol Kay: The Married “Une femme n'aime que son maî-
Man Sex Life Primer 2011, Wives tre.” - French translation of the
want to be the First Officer, page 127 above quote by Aubrey
“A married woman's as old as her Andelin: Man of Steel and Velvet
husband makes her feel.” - Sir Ar- “Love is not self-sacrifice, but the
thur Wing Pinero, 1855-1934 most profound assertion of your
“Those who love deeply never own needs and values. It is for
grow old; they may die of old age, your own happiness that you need
but they die young.” - Sir Arthur the person you love, and that is the
Wing Pinero: In Love, 1855-1934 greatest compliment, the greatest
“The ideal man has the strength, tribute you can pay to that person.” -
endurance, and temperance of fine Ayn Rand: in an interview in Play-
steel. […] A man of steel is a mascu- boy in the 1960s
line man. He is aggressive, deter- “[S]ex is one of the most important
mined, decisive, and independent. aspects of a man's life and, therefore,
He learns efficiency in the affairs of must never be approached lightly or
a man's world, demanding quotas of casually. A sexual relationship is
himself in reaching an objective. He proper only on the ground of the
is competent in a task, fearless and highest values one can find as a hu-
courageous in the face of difficulty, man being. ... And that is why I con-
and master of a situation. The velvet sider promiscuity immoral. Not be-
qualities include a man's gentleness, cause sex is evil, but because sex is
his tenderness, kindness, generosity, too good and too important.” - Ayn
and patience… He is chivalrous, Rand: in an interview in Playboy in
attentive and respectful to the gen- the 1960s
tler sex and has an ability to love “For a woman qua woman, the es-
with tenderness. He has, in addition, sence of femininity is hero-
an enthusiastic and youthful attitude worship—the desire to look up to
of optimism which defies the press man. ‘To look up’ does not mean
of years. [...] Both the steel and vel- dependence, obedience, or anything
vet are necessary to produce a great implying inferiority. It means an
character. There has never been a intense kind of admiration; and ad-
truly great man on the earth who miration is an emotion that can be
was not a possessor of both.” - Au- experienced only by a person of

13
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
strong character and independent “[A] properly feminine woman
value-judgements. A ‘clinging vine’ does not treat men as if she were
type of woman is not an admirer but their pal, sister, mother—or leader.” -
an exploiter of men. Hero-worship is Ayn Rand: The Objectivist, December
a demanding virtue: a woman has to 1968
be worthy of it and the hero she “[Sex is] an act which is not possi-
worships. Intellectually and morally, ble in self-abasement, only in self-
i.e., as a human being, she has to be exaltation, only in the confidence of
his equal; then the object of her wor- being desired and being worthy of
ship is specifically his masculinity, desire.” - Ayn Rand's character,
not any human virtue she might Francisco D' Aconia: Atlas Shrugged3
lack.” - Ayn Rand: The Objectivist,
December 1968

QUOTATIONS: B

“I always had this suppressed “Any woman relating to a man

“old-fashioned” feeling that the cannot be a feminist. ... I personally
husband should be the head of the am going to keep my distance from
household and that he should be men and straight women.” - Barbara
responsible in all matters, includ- Solomon: “Taking the bullshit by the
ing caring for his wife's needs. I was horns”, in The Furies, March-April
afraid that what happened to my 1972, and in Lesbianism and the wom-
parents would happen to us unless en's movement).
something was done to correct the “My wife laughs like a drain to
situation; but I didn't know how to think what some of her more starchy
broach the idea that I felt that colleagues would think if they knew
I should be in charge of the house- we had this delicious relationship.” -
hold without provoking a row!” - Ben
Baltazar “Love well, whip well.” - Benjamin
“[E]ven when women possess the Franklin: Poor Richard
agentic quality of dominance con- “ It is better for a woman to com-
sistent with the leader role, the in- pete impersonally in society, as men
congruence between masculinized do, than to compete for dominance
task demands and gender stereo- in her own home with her hus-
types mitigate against women's band...” - Betty Friedan
leadership emergence.” - Barbara A. “Wives, submit yourself unto your
Ritter and Janice D. Yoder: Abstract, own husbands, as is fit in the Lord.”
Gender Differences In Leader Emer- - The Bible: Colossians 3:18
gence Persist Even For Dominant “Therefore shall a man leave his
Women: An Updated Confirmation father and his mother, and shall
Of Role Congruity Theory (Psycholo- cleave unto his wife: and they shall
gy of Women Quarterly, Volume 28 be one flesh.” - The Bible: Genesis
Issue 3 Page 187 —September 2004) 2:24
14
 QUOTATIONS
“[T]hy desire shall be for thy hus- woman to teach, nor to usurp au-
band, and he shall rule over thee.” - thority over the man, but to be in
The Bible: Genesis 3:16 silence.” - The Bible: 1 Timothy: 2:11-
“Wives, submit yourselves unto 12
your own husbands, as unto the “Let your women keep silence in
Lord. For the husband is the head of the churches: for it is not permitted
the wife, even as Christ is the head unto them to speak; but they are
of the church: and he is the saviour commanded to be under obedience
of the body. Therefore as the church as also saith the law. And if they will
is subject unto Christ, so let the learn any thing, let them ask their
wives be to their own husbands in husbands at home: for it is a shame
every thing. Husbands, love your for women to speak in the church.” -
wives, even as Christ also loved the The Bible: 1 Corinthians 14:34
church, and gave himself for it.” - “If I feel I can't live with some-
The Bible: Ephesians 5:22-25 thing, then it's arranged until I can.
“[L]et every one of you in particu- This is about being happy, for both
lar so love his wife even as himself; of us. Gary has a fantasy of having
and the wife see that she reverence me submissive full time. I will hap-
her husband.” - The Bible: Ephesians pily go with this until it feel uncom-
5:33 fortable or it is something I cannot
“[W]ives, be in subjection to your live with. But as it is right now, I can
own husbands; that, if any obey not live with this. It is very, very hot.” -
the word, they also may without the Blush
word be won by the conversation of “I made a personal decision to just
the wives; While they behold your go ahead and be submissive. [...] It
chaste conversation coupled with was freeing and peaceful to just let
fear.” - The Bible: 1 Peter 3:1-2 go and trust him. [My husband]
“For after this manner in the old pointed out [that] he's dominant and
time the holy women also, who I'm submissive... (I cook his favour-
trusted in God, adorned themselves, ites; I perform any small errands he
being in subjection unto their own needs me to do; I rarely, if ever, de-
husbands: Even as Sara obeyed ny him sex, etc.) And he went on to
Abraham, calling him lord: whose describe our marriage as a ship: he's
daughters ye are, as long as ye do the captain and I'm first mate... And
well, and are not afraid with any if the first mate doesn't carry out the
amazement.” - The Bible: 1 Peter 3:5-6 orders of the captain then it's hard to
“[H]usbands, dwell with them ac- keep the ship sailing. Similarly, if the
cording to knowledge, giving hon- captain doesn't listen to the first ma-
our unto the wife, as unto the weak- te about the situations on the ship,
er vessel, and as being heirs together he can't issue any orders effective-
of the grace of life; that your prayers ly.” - Bonnie
be not hindered.” - The Bible: 1 Peter “Woman must be put back in her
3:7 place. Man's great error was to put
“Let the woman learn in silence woman on a pedestal, when she is
with all subjection. But I suffer not a far more at ease on her knees—
15
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
where she belongs. ... Woman must her walk all over you. And you de-
be reacquainted with truth and serve it. Because you gave away
force. She must be reacquainted with your power for free. Women say
truth through force. ... She must be they're looking for nice guys, but
shown in no uncertain terms the they don't respect passive pussy
absolute nature of the master/slave men. Women want their lovers to be
relationship endemic to the sexes.” - killers.” - The Boyd Rice Experience:
Boyd Rice: The Revolt Against Penis Hatesville
Envy Contributing Toward an Un- “No two couples will be exactly
derstanding of Male/Female Har- alike. And there's no magic formula
mony, published in Answer Me! that you can follow and have guar-
“Fear commands respect, and pain anteed success. You just have to talk,
demands understanding (read: listen, and talk some more until you
compliance). Rape is the act by understand each other, and then
which fear and pain are united in work hard to please each other.” -
love.” - Boyd Rice: ibid. Brandy
“Don't give her power. She doesn't “A gentleman is someone who
know how to handle it. Women ... raises his hat before he beats his
need to be tamed. Keep her chained wife.” - British joke (ca. 1920)4
down. Break the chain and watch

QUOTATIONS: C

“Whiffle [whine and wheeze and that I would never treat a woman as
snuff and sniffle]: The annoying anything less than, or other than, my
scratchy sound made by weepy fem- equal. Now, after being married to a
inists as they lament the sufferings feminist for twenty-plus years, I am
of women and, houndlike, sniff out confronted by a woman who wants
evidence of male oppression.” - Ca- me to be stronger than her and who
mille Paglia has actually said that “love, honor
“You have to accept the fact that and obey” is a comfortable thing for
part of the sizzle of sex comes from her. Being a dominant husband is
the danger of sex. That you can be something I never planned to do.” -
overpowered.” - Camille Paglia CarlF
“Feminists, seeking to drive the “What in the liberal view looks
power relations out of sex, have set like love and romance looks a lot
themselves against nature.” - Ca- like hatred and torture to the femi-
mille Paglia, Sexual Personae: Art and nist.” - Catherine MacKinnon: To-
Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dick- ward a Feminist Theory of the State,
inson, 13, 2. 1989
“I grew up in a time when men be- “What is sexual is what gives a
lieved that they had a right to expect man an erection... If there is no ine-
obedience from their wives. That quality, no violation, no dominance,
notion was repulsive me. I swore

16
 QUOTATIONS
no force, there is no sexual arousal.” with you (generic ‘you’).” -
- Catherine MacKinnon Charlotte
“Woman is a violent and uncon- “When you see your wife commit
trolled animal, and it is useless to let an offence, do not rush at her with
go the reins and then expect her not insults and violent blows: rather,
to kick over the traces. You must first correct the wrong lovingly and
keep her on a tight rein . . . Women pleasantly, and sweetly teach her not
want total freedom or rather—to call to do it again... and if this ... doesn't
things by their names—total licence. work, take up a stick and beat her
If you allow them to achieve com- soundly.” - Friar Cherubino Da Si-
plete equality with men, do you ena: Rules of Marriage (1489)
think they will be easier to live with? “A bride received into the home is
Not at all. Once they have achieved like a horse that you have just
equality, they will be your masters . . bought: you break her in by con-
.” - Cato the Elder 234–149 B.C., stantly mounting her and by contin-
quoted in Livy’s History of Rome ually beating her.” - Chinese prov-
“Women today are not satisfied. ... erb
They want men, but all they find are “I love men, not because they are
little boys.” - Charles Manson men but because they are not wom-
“If you're going to be intimate en.” - Queen Christiana (of Sweden)
with someone, it shouldn't be for 1626-89
ANY reason other than it's “To the uninitiated and unin-
what you want & what you're com- formed, submission can imply that a
fortable with. You do not owe some- person has no power or self-esteem.
one sex because he took you out to I can assure you that that is not the
dinner or whatever. You don't owe case. … My lack of power... makes
him sex just because he's taken you me feel fantastically powerful; my
out on ‘6 dates over a 3 week peri- power is an important part of who I
od,’ or any other number of dates am and what I am.” - Claudia
over any other period of time. Yes, I Varrin: Erotic Surrender: The Sensual
know that some men feel this way, Joys of Female Submission
& a few men I've dated in my life “Women do not find it difficult
have tried to ‘guilt’ me into bed on a nowadays to behave like men; but
similar basis. It undoubtedly works they often find it extremely difficult
for them at times, particularly with to behave like gentlemen.” - Sir
women who have self-esteem issues, Compton Mackenzie 1883-1972: On
& being so anxious to keep a rela- Moral Courage
tionship continuing that you'd have “It is a law of nature that women
sex with someone when you're not should be held under the dominance
really comfortable doing so tells you of man.” - Confucius (ca. 500 BC)
two things, at least: (a) you do have “Most people in Taken In Hand re-
self-esteem issues & (b) he cares lationships would not dream of
much more about himself than he shoving their lifestyle down an-
does you or a potential relationship other's throat as “the one true
way”.” - ConfusedofHomeCounties
17
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“Abraham Maslow… spent some group didn't have any strong feel-
time studying dominance in women. ings about the male organ.
… He questioned a large number of “Low dominance women didn't
women and soon learned that they much like sex. They liked the kind of
fell into three ‘dominance groups’— man who would admire them from
high, medium and low. The high a distance for years without daring
dominance women were, as you to say so. They were terrified of high
might expect, precisely five per cent dominance males, and thought the
of the total. Sexually, they were in- male organ downright ugly.
clined to promiscuity and experi- “But all three groups needed a
mentation—many had had lesbian male who was more dominant than
experiences or tried sadomasochism. themselves. One very high domi-
They liked males of even higher nance woman searched for years for
dominance, and regarded the male such a male and when she found
sexual organ as beautiful. him she was finally happy. But he
“Medium dominance women, the wasn't quite dominant enough, and
largest group, were basically roman- so she used to provoke quarrels that
tics. They liked the kind of men who would end with him slapping her
would take them to restaurants with about, hurling her on a bed, and
candlelight and give them flowers. raping her. These sexual experiences
They were looking for Mr Right. she found most satisfactory of all.” -
They were capable of a certain Colin Wilson, pages 27-28 in the
amount of promiscuity, but it was introduction to The Gates of Janus by
essentially a second best—what they Ian Brady
really wanted was a husband who “Most women have small waists
was a good father and provider. the world throughout, But their de-
They also wanted him to be slightly sires are a thousand miles about.” -
more dominant than they were, but Cyril Tourneur: The Revenger's Trag-
not too dominant. Very high domi- edy (1607)5
nance males scared them. This

QUOTATIONS: D

“Women are driven to emasculate failed to push forward a few times).

men, but they do so always hoping Be a man though! Stop waiting for
you will stand up for yourself.” - PERMISSION to go forward. This
Dan McDonley: The Nice Guy applies to approaching, escalating,
“Regain your masculinity. The first even in your own life and work.
way to do that is stop asking per- Admiral Grace Hopper said, ‘It is
mission to want what you want and better to ask forgiveness than per-
to pursue what you want. Leave mission.’” - Dan McDonley: Per-
room for taking a step backwards Missionary Position
and understanding when you “My husband doesn't know about
shouldn’t go further (once you’ve Taken in Hand, but this site evident-

18
 QUOTATIONS
ly knows him, and men like him, Porn,” Mother Jones, vol. 5, no. 3,
because it describes him intimate- April 1980, p. 43
ly—a man who leads, and a woman “I was far more successful before I
who follows because he's worthy of picked up The Game, and it was
her admiration. But men aren't sup- because I was fine with who I was.
posed to lead anymore, and women The PUA marketers (and you’ve
aren't supposed to want that any- been very diplomatic in not naming
more.” - Dandelion the worst offenders) make a mint by
“As women have become more trying to spread insecurity in guys.
masculine in their psychological Even their emails can make a guy
signals (ie their behaviour and the feel insecure if he’s not in the right
things they say) men have become place.
less psychologically attracted to “Just today I was chatting to an
them (ie romantic love). [...] Of American guy in Prague who made
course, the converse can also true: as comments about being a ‘chode’ and
many men have become more femi- spoke of his worry about ‘Approach
nine in their style, and often appar- Anxiety’. If he’d never read these
ently less psychologically strong, books, maybe he’d have more
and not as high-earning in their ca- chance of just going out there and
reer as the woman, many women are doing it, instead of worrying about
also less attracted to them. Given what’s ‘wrong’ with him.” - David,
that today’s women are rowdy, in a comment on Butchering the Alpha
man-bashing, [... and] forever re- Male, February 12, 2011
minding us of their strength and “Jewish tradition teaches us that
independence etc, we are now less the main reason a woman respects a
and less likely to feel the spiritu- man is his direction in life. A woman
al/psychological attraction which is not impressed with a man who
leads to romantic love and then of- has ‘lost his rudder.’ A single man
tentimes commitment. So, by and interested in getting married should
large, all that is left is the physical know where he wants to go in life,
attraction to the woman's body. i.e. and what the milestones along the
Sex” - Darren Blacksmith: Feminism way will be.” - Rabbi David Clyman,
and the death of romantic love Does love conquer all?
“[A visit to a sex emporium in “There are three simple steps to-
New York, I was left with the] ward the handling of neurotic fear.
overwhelming feeling... of the Each of these steps should be pre-
comercial exploitation of male sexu- ceded by a deep breath and calm
al desire. There it is, embarrassingly abiding within an image that ap-
desperate, tormented, demeaning peals to you and can relax you. First,
itself, taking any substitute and pay- admit you feel fear .... Second, feel
ing for it. Men who live for this are the fear fully, i.e., defenselessly, with
suckers, and there uncomfortable no escape, with no attempts to get
demeanor shows they know it.” - rid of it .... Third, and most difficult,
Deirdre English: “The Politics of act as if fear could not stop you.” -
David Richo: When Love Meets Fear
19
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“Whatever happened to just trying each quote. Please email us if you
to be a good, stand-up man that can supply this information.]
people can respect and look-up to? “In a Taken In Hand relationship,
Why are people so caught up with spanking and other means of physi-
being alpha or nice even. Just be a cal force are not about ‘correction’
good guy and do the right thing. Go but rather about dominance. That is,
for what you want but don’t be an it's about might—not right. A man
ass about it and belittle others in the doesn't have to be right in order to
process. By being a dick, you piss dominate a woman; and if she's
other people off and they in turn are right and he's wrong about some-
dicks to other people, which is why thing, that does not mean that she's
you decided to be a dick in the first dominating him. I might get into a
place cause it was done to you.” - reasoned debate with my dominant
DC, commenting on Butchering the man and win, for example; and if he
Alpha Male by Mark Hanson has any integrity as a man then I'd
“This contract reminds me of let- expect him to be willing to admit it
ters that Albert Einstein wrote to his when he's proven wrong. But he still
wife. Quoting from several news has the sheer masculine strength to
articles from Nov. 1996: overpower me in any physical con-
“In one letter, written in 1914, less test—and to me, that's what the
than two years before Einstein revo- dominance aspect is all about.” -
lutionized science with the publica- DeeMarie
tion of his theory of relativity, he “We should work to eradicate
tried to impose extraordinary condi- male domination from our societal
tions of marriage on his first wife, institutions and put it back in the
Mileva. He told her: bedroom, where it belongs.” -
“1) You will expect no affection DeeMarie
from me and you will not re- “Taken In Hand is scandalous and
proach me for this; edgy from an egalitarian PC view,
“2) You must answer me at and trite and boring from the edges
once when I speak to you; of kink. Too weird and ‘old-
“3) You must leave my bed- fashioned’ for ‘normal’ people, and
room or study at once without just not weird enough for ‘kinky’
protesting when I ask you to go; people.” - DeeMarie
“4) You will promise not to “I know it always gets me hot and
denigrate me in the eyes of my lusty when a man sits down and
children, either by word or by carefully ‘explains his requirements’
deed. to me in detail. (Not.) [Taking her in
“In another letter, he wrote: ‘I treat hand] means being active and taking
my wife as an employee whom I the reins; taking the initiative and
cannot fire. I have my own bedroom actively controlling her. Not just
and avoid being alone with her.’”— yakking at her until all the ‘require-
Deedeealone [Editor's note: if Albert ments’ are clarified.” - DeeMarie
Einstein really did say these things, “I have a very intense preference
I'd appreciate the full reference of for the male on top, preferably with
20
 QUOTATIONS
me on my back. (“Missionary” posi- you read this as a signal that magic
tion, but I would call it is a man's job and that you may be
‘submissionary’ instead.) I would better cut out for a counselling pro-
absolutely hate being on top. I don't fession or just sitting with friends
feel submissive there at all; it's just a talking about relationships.” -
huge turn-off. If my man insisted Derren Brown: Pure Effect: direct
that I get on top, I'd probably do mind reading and magical artistry
that, and then demonstrate just how (pages 57-58)
easy it is for me to slap him in the “Some women only want/need a
face from that position. Not a real small amount of control; others
good idea for him to let me get on crave deeper control. And that is not
top, if he intends to actually domi- implying they want or need to
nate me. [...] I realize that we all be micromanaged. They want to be
have slightly different takes on what controlled where the control is quite
it means to be ‘truly’ dominant; but literally taken to a physical level.
for me the man being on top during That is just one way it can be done
sex is the first, foremost, most basic for some.” - Desire
and essential expression of male “You can show your heart to your
dominance. Without that, there is no woman. Just don’t expect her to find
sexual male domination at all.” - it attractive.
DeeMarie “It’s a myth that women are at-
“Rules are like women. They are tracted to the so-called ‘sensitive
meant to be violated.” —Denys Di- man’. Emotional availability is a
onne, Quebec Court Justice (1990) desirable trait, but it does not gener-
“The audience is seated and phys- ate attraction. Women by and large
ically restrained in front of you. [...] see sensitive, emotional men as
If you have chosen to utilise the im- weak, feminine and unable to pro-
aginary deck for the selection of the tect them. The last thing a man
card, here is my handling. The spec- should do with a woman he’s dating
tator sits at your right side. In the is excessive display of emotions,
left jacket pocket you have an imag- especially fear, anger, frustration,
inary deck and the torn force index sadness or pain. These are enormous
with a large blob of some adhesive attraction killers in the embryonic
substance such as wax or Blu-Tack stages of a relationship. A woman
upon it. Also residing there is some does not want to give emotional
sort of unusual item that the invisi- support to a man unless he is her
ble deck will be placed upon later—I husband. Even then when she gives
use a little spinning disk with a hol- that emotional support, don’t expect
ographic design on it—and an indif- there to be attraction while she does
ferent card, face towards the body. it.” - Deti
In the left waistcoat pocket one can “Traits women find desirable tend
find the matching entire card, also to be loyalty, fidelity, honor, stead-
facing the body. Should you be a fastness, kindness and dignity. The-
female performer and are still un- se are things women want for an
sure what to do, may I suggest that LTR and certainly for marriage. But
21
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
try as she might, no woman can talk keep trying to ‘reconnect’ to the man
herself into attraction to such she’s bonded to), she is forging new
traits.... bonds.
“Traits women find attractive are “I believe that her body, soul and
confidence, dominance, poise, cha- even spirit try to dull or blunt the
risma, and displays of power and pain and experience of constant
authority.... bonding and breaking, bonding and
“It’s important to remember: first breaking, by preventing the bonding
comes attraction, then comes desira- or reducing its effectiveness each
bility. Without it, the desirable traits time she engages in sex with a new
are never seen. First the man must partner. Eventually she becomes
be confident and dominant. Then unwilling or unable to sense, feel,
and only then can the woman see connect or bond, because the body
the remaining desirable traits.” - and soul do all they can to prevent
Deti and stunt and relieve the pain and
“It’s important to understand why frustration of bonds that are con-
sluts are not good marriage materi- stantly attempting to connect and
al... Every time a woman has sex constantly failing to do so.” - Deti
with a man, she bonds to him. I be- “It's like this, guys: take your
lieve this is multifaceted and has woman in hand and you'll never
biochemical, emotional, psychologi- have to do without sex again. Head-
cal and even spiritual components. aches and ‘not tonight, I'm too tired’
“Sex for a woman is penetration. indifference will give way to the
She is taken. She is conquered. She ache of desire—hers, for you. Wom-
surrenders and allows herself to be en love it.” - DG
penetrated, pierced, impaled. She “Any punishment that does not
takes a part of the man’s body into correct, that can merely rouse rebel-
hers and absorbs it. The man be- lion in whoever has to endure it, is a
comes part of her, physically and piece of gratuitous infamy which
emotionally. That penetration reach- makes those who impose it more
es her all the way to the essence of guilty in the eyes of humanity, good
her being. Nothing else in the female sense and reason, nay a hundred
experience does this to her or for times more guilty than the victim on
her. whom the punishment is inflicted.” -
“If she repeats this experience too Marquis Donatien Alphonse François
many times, she continues making de Sade
bonds with men as she takes them “A woman fit to be a man's wife is
into her and absorbs parts of differ- too good to be his servant.” - Doro-
ent men’s bodies into hers. At the thy Leigh: The Mother's Blessing,
same time she tries to bond with 16166
men she no longer sees (those bonds

QUOTATIONS: E

22
 “A temporarily submissive female rything it's cracked up to be. That's
may require a very great effort of why people are so cynical about it. It
will to convince herself, even on the really is worth fighting for, being
most fleeting and insubstantial level, brave for, risking everything for.
that a very short man with a And the trouble is, if you don't risk
squeaky voice who keeps mispro- everything, you risk even more.” -
nouncing the Words of Power is Erica Jong
actually a confident and capable “At times, it is strangely sedative
superman, whose jaw is firm, whose to know the extent of your own
word is law, whose intentions are powerlessness.” - Erica Jong
not to be flouted, and whose iron- “We are now beginning to see the
muscled thighs constitute an altar on sexiest, strongest, and most empow-
which all sins will be washed clean. ering part of being submissive: that
That it can be achieved at all is prob- it can be an expression of strength of
ably due to the overmastering quali- character to bow down and surren-
ties of fundamental sexual desires. der to love and passion. This is my
(‘Close your eyes and imagine he's idea of feminism.” - Erin Cressida
Sean Connery.’)” —Edward Antho- Wilson: Secretary, a screenplay (In-
ny: Thy Rod and Staff, Chapter 9. troduction)
“Marriage must begin with a leav- “What is submission exactly?
ing of all other relationships in order What if submission were not a devi-
to establish a permanent relationship ant behavior, but were just another
between one man and one woman.” form of sexuality, like homosexuali-
—Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Per- ty? What if someone could actually
kins: Love Life For Every Married Cou- “own” their submissive tendencies
ple and come out as a masochist? After
“Most women . . . enjoy the dis- all, there is great power in being
play of manly force even when it weak and in admitting frailty. This is
turns against themselves.” — something not often applauded in
Edward Westermarck: The Future of American culture, but there is a long
Marriage in Western Civilisa- tradition of this in Catholicism and
tion (1936) many Eastern religions. The monks
“A woman, an ass, and a walnut wore thorns on their temples, and
tree, bring the more fruit the more the nuns sewed them inside their
beater they be.” - English proverb clothing to show their devotion. The
(16th Century) idea of confessing, exposing, strip-
“’You may look like a boy and be- ping, and reducing to the essentials
have like a boy, but you're a girl all has a long spiritual and sexual tradi-
the same. And like it or not, girls tion. To be punished, to do penance,
have got to be taken care of.’” - Enid is something that can be a strength.”
Blyton: Five Go On a Hike Together, - Erin Cressida Wilson: Secretary, a
1951 (Julian to Georgina) screenplay (Introduction)
“Do you want me to tell you some-
thing really subversive? Love is eve-

23
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“I wished I had died before I ever “He who knocks his wife about
loved anyone but her.” - Ernest thoroughly will be forgiven a hun-
Hemingway: A Moveable Feast dred sins.” - Estonian proverb7

QUOTATIONS: F

“It's very unfashionable to say unsuspected and most beautiful

this, but rape isn't actually the worst form of regularity proves to have
thing that can happen to a woman if been latent all along.” - Francis Gal-
you're safe, alive and unmarked ton, 19th century
after the event.” - Fey Weldon: Radio “It is only people who possess
Times, 4 July, 1998 firmness who can possess true gen-
“The draft produced the kind of tleness. In those who appear gentle
men that today's girls have never it is generally only weakness, which
known, and relations between the is readily converted into harsh-
sexes were better for it. What sticks ness..” - Francois de la Rochefoucau-
in my mind about them is their self- ld
sufficiency and competence in fixing “The difference between a truly
things and figuring out solutions to dominant man and a controlling one
emergencies. Thanks to the draft I is that the dominant man needs and
belong to the last generation of wants consent, whereas the control-
American women who could scream ling man doesn't even understand
‘Do something!’ and get results. what this word means.” - Frank Nel-
Most of my men were intellectuals son
but they had been taught in basic “What is good? All that heightens
training to change a tire in 90 se- the feeling of power in man, the will
conds, rig up electrical wiring, tie to power, power itself. What is bad?
knots that stayed tied, and take a All that is born of weakness. What is
rifle apart and reassemble it while happiness? The feeling that power is
blindfolded. This last was never growing, that resistance is over-
necessary in civilian life but it made come.” - Friedrich Nietzsche: The
for a self-assured deftness that was Antichrist, part 2
awesome.” - Florence King: Misan- “You go to a woman? Do not for-
thrope's Corner, the National Re- get your whip.” - Friedrich Nie-
view tzsche: Thus Spoke Zarathustra, XVIII:
“The husband hath by law power Old and young women
and dominion over his wife, and “When marrying, ask yourself this
may keep her by force, within the question: Do you believe that you
bounds of duty, and may beat her, will be able to converse well with
but not in a violent or cruel man- this person into your old age? Every-
ner.” - Sir Francis Bacon: Maxims of thing else in marriage is transitory.”
the law, 1630 - Friedrich Nietzsche: Human, All Too
“Whenever a large sample of cha- Human: No. 406 in the section
otic elements are taken in hand … an `Woman and Child' (`Weib und
24
 QUOTATIONS
Kind'); the original German version: “There's nothing we like so much
“Die Ehe als langes Gespräch — Man as sentencing girls to be thrashed,
soll sich beim Eingehen einer Ehe and we always give the lads the job
die Frage vorlegen: glaubst du, dich of thrashing them. And the girl he
mit dieser Frau bis ins Alter hinein has thrashed today, the young man
gut zu unterhalten? Alles Andere in will ask in marriage tomorrow. So it
der Ehe ist transitorisch, aber die quite suits the girls, too.” - Fyodor
meiste Zeit des Verkehrs gehört dem Dostoyevsky: The Brothers Karamazov
Gespräche an.” (1879) Book III: The Sensualists:
Chapter 8: Over The Brandy8

QUOTATIONS: G

“If you're not a feminist, you're a “We are becoming the men we
masochist.” - Gloria Steinem wanted to marry.” - Gloria Steinem:
“The cult of masculinity is the ba- In Ms, July/August 1982
sis of every violent, fascist regime. “I'm all for bringing back the birch,
… We need to raise our sons more but only between consenting
like our daughters, with empathy, adults.” - Gore Vidal, in the Sunday
flexibility, patience and compassion. Times Magazine, 16 September 1973
These so-called feminine qualities “People who have lost relation-
are present in men as much as wom- ships often wonder why they can't
en, and it's a libel on men to say just let it be “water under the
they're not.” - Gloria Steinem: bridge.” It is water under the
speech at the YMCA, Palm Beach bridge—the trouble is we do not live
County, Fla, in March, 2002 on the bridge but in the river of life
with its many twists and turns.” -
Grant Fairley9

QUOTATIONS: H

“A gentleman is someone who drives anything until it is confined.

never strikes a woman without No Niagara is ever turned into light
provocation.” - H. L. Mencken and power until it is tunneled. No
“From my perspective, intimacy life ever grows great until it is fo-
requires mutuality, which means cused, dedicated, disciplined.” -
mutual valuing, mutual empower- Harry Emerson Fosdick
ment, mutual respect, and mutual “Consensual physical discipline
empathy. A truly intimate relation- brings the couple together. It is an
ship fosters the growth of both par- intimate act, and often leads on to
ties, not just one.” - Harriet Ler- another kind of intimacy. Going into
ner: The Dance of Intimacy your cave puts up barriers; getting
“No horse gets anywhere until he out the wooden spoon breaks down
is harnessed. No stream or gas barriers and makes you feel close,
25
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
which then makes it possible to talk are part of him.[…] Feminists will
with understanding and resolve the say I am portraying male tyranny
issue in a way that is not possible but I am not. A loving man nurtures
when tempers have flared and you his wife and wants her to flourish.
are in fighting mode. So you could He consults and tries to please her.
say that putting your wife over your […] To surrender power for love is
knee is a way of getting the fight feminine. When men try to do it,
over and the talking started.” - women lose respect. Unconsciously
Helen women seek to be overwhelmed by
“Heaven is not a mythical place. It a man.” - Henry Makow: Would You
can be found right down in the heart Take a Bullet for a Feminist?, July 20,
of the man who has found the work 2003
he loves and the woman he loves.” - “True strength lies in submission
Helen Rowland: A Guide to Men, page which permits one to dedicate his
47, 1922 life, through devotion, to something
“Being a husband's ‘economic beyond himself.” - Henry Miller [If
equal’ may be awfully noble and you know where he said this, please
advanced; but it usually means be- let me know the full reference.—
ing all of his ribs and most of his Editor]
vertebrae.” - Helen Rowland: A “Between husband and wife there
Guide to Men, page 55, 1922 is established an affective relation-
“The rape fantasy reveals itself as ship, which is primordial and excel-
only an exaggeration of reality. Ac- lent, except that in this conjunction
ceptance of pain associated with the direction belongs to the man,
pleasure, or of pleasure associated and the submission to the woman.” -
with pain, may result in such a close Hincmar: On Divorce
connection between the two that the “Force without wisdom falls of its
sexual pleasure becomes dependent own weight.” - Horace: The Odes,
on pain. Thus feminine sexuality Roman lyric poet & satirist (65 BC—
acquires a masochistic character.” - 8 BC)
Helene Deutsch: The Psychology of “Some of the best forms of control
Women, published by Grune and are those that make her feel protect-
Stratton, New York (1944) Volume I, ed, loved and desirable. My wife
Chapter 7, Feminine Masochism, loves that kind of control, and she
page 277 also likes to please me.” - Howard
“Men need to be lovingly received Frank
and affirmed. Women need to be “I've always preferred a women to
possessed and cultivated. This is be feisty and contentious on the road
wholeness.” - Henry Makow: The to submission.” - Huey
Effect of Sexual Deprivation on “I've always been more interested
Women, July 07, 2003 in the positive female partner who
“If you want to get a man's atten- takes on a “subordinate” role, rather
tion, give him power. A man will than the one who seems to vapidly
not sacrifice himself for woman or fall into it. The “aggressive-
family unless they belong to him, i.e.
26
 QUOTATIONS
submissive” is exciting to me.” - character in The Maltese Falcon
Huey (1941)10
“When you're slapped, you'll take
it and like it.” - Humphrey Bogart's

QUOTATIONS: I

“Maslow conducted the first “[H]er personal charisma, unusual

American studies on human sexuali- beauty, height, and undeniable intel-
ty, several years before Alfred Kin- ligence make her a personally pow-
sey. He interviewed women whom erful woman. While arguably less-
he labeled high dominance and low feminine in presentation than Rom-
dominance in sexual preferences. ney, thanks to her size and style of
dress, Michelle's charisma and
High Dominance Women warmth soften the amazonian image
 Unconventional significantly, and she does have
 Less religious quite an engaging smile. In compari-
 Less tolerant of stereotypes son, Ann Romney just doesn't have
 Extroverted that same Alpha appeal to men...
 Sexually adventuresome “If Ann had been more Alpha in
 Less anxious her presentation, and had treated
 Less jealous Mitt more like a seething tiger of
 Less neurotic raw animal lust she could barely
restrain herself from attacking at
Low Dominance Women every public appearance, then it
 Conventional would have raised her profile and
 Religious therefore his numbers. Treating him
 Conforming to stereotype like the perfect husband and father
 Introverted is great, politically speaking, but she
 Sexually inhibited failed to communicate the subtext
 More neurotic that he's hung like a circus pony and
does her at every available oppor-
“Findings: High dominance wom- tunity....
en were attracted to high dominance “As attractive as Ann is... she just
men—aggressive, self-confident, doesn't have Michelle's charisma,
highly masculine, self-assured. Low despite her wholesome charm. She's
dominance women were attracted to just not an alpha-enough psycholog-
men who were kind, friendly, gen- ical rival... If Mitt was caught in an
tle, faithful and showed a love for affair, ... Ann would be the dutiful
children.” - I. E. White but indignant wife, ... tearfully [for-
“[W]hen you put Ann Romney up giving] her husband...
against the First Lady, Michelle “On the other hand, if Barack was
[Obama] comes out ahead on the ever caught in an affair, there's no
Female Social Matrix.... doubt in anyone's mind that

27
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Michelle Obama would be perfectly monkey single girlfriends. So she
capable of cutting a bitch. Unre- gets the prize.” - Ian Ironwood, May
pentantly. She's a visible lioness in 15, 2012
her physical presentation, her power “[I]f you are a woman who can't
and devotion and willingness to treat a good man with the respect he
mate-guard a tangible symbol of her deserves (assuming he hasn't done
quality ... and therefore Barack's something to hurt your feelings, in
worthiness. She's a well-respected which case let him have it) then yes,
woman who lavishes respect and you certainly do need to be taken in
praise on her man. She shows her hand.” - Ilsa Laslow
passion for him and for their rela- “For a man, romantic love is wor-
tionship with undisguised enthusi- ship. He doesn't want to do great
asm.” - Ian Ironwood things with a woman, he wants to
”Want to know what did attract do them for her.” - Irma Kurtz:
me [to my wife]? Her social adept- Malespeak
ness, her charm, her grace under “If we had more feminine women
pressure, her gentle humor ... and there would be less unemployment,
the fact that she doesn’t try to wave divorce, delinquency and other
‘strong and confident’ around to get evils.” - Isabelle Stayt (of the Cam-
attention the way a man does. I paign for the Feminine Woman)
don’t mind that she’s strong and 1983
confident, but it isn’t a require- “As both a good horse and a bad
ment—the way she demonstrates horse heed the spur, so both a good
that strength and that confidence, in woman and a bad woman need the
decidedly feminine ways, is what stick.” - Italian proverb11
sets her apart from her career-

QUOTATIONS: J

“The number one thing I'm look- being flattened. It was as if all of
ing for is emotional intimacy. I've Jonathan's manly instincts had got-
had it in the past, and don't want to ten swallowed up by the sophisti-
live without it. It's part of my fun- cated civilization he'd been living all
damental make-up to seek deeper his life...
ties with those close to me.” - James “Somewhere along the line Jona-
“The wife is entirely under the than's male traits had been tamed if
power and subjection of her hus- not completely repressed by society.
band.” - James Balfour: The Practiks How else could two men be so dif-
of Sir James Balfour of Pittendreich ferent?
(1550) “...and then there was Grey. He
“She was still shaking from Grey's had taught her that there was some-
alpha-male presence. And the sad thing much more important than
part was Jonathan didn't seem to living on the cutting edge of explo-
realize just how close he'd come to ration technology and modern
28
 QUOTATIONS
minded men. Grey had made her per. Olearius, that great traveller,
realize that for all of society's evolu- denies that he met any such thing;
tion mankind still needed ancient but Barclay confirms it by a very
values to survive. Men and women singular instance, which I shall take
still needed to belong to each other. the liberty of repeating. ‘A certain
A commitment, a bond, and the trust fellow, Jordanes, if his name is of
of another were still more important any moment in such a trifle, had
than mere coexistence.” - Janet travelled from Germany to Musco-
Chapman: Charming the Highlander vy; there he settled and, liking the
“Beat your wife on the wedding place, married a wife of the country.
day, and your married life will be He loved the woman very much
happy.” - Japanese proverb and, desiring by all means a mutual
“Women, by nature, want to be affection from her, observed her still
dominated.” - Jayne Mansfield, ac- melancholy, with downcast eyes,
tress (1933-1967) often sighing and betraying other
“Strength is the sexiest male quali- signs of a discontented mind. But
ty—but of the mind, more than the when her husband enquired the
body.” - Jemima Lewis: Dieting is cause of her affliction, affirming that
Women's Work, in The Sunday Tel- he was not wanting in love and re-
egraph, 7th November, 2004. spect,—‘Oh,’ replies the wife, ‘aren't
“The fact is, I prefer men to be you a fine dissembler of love! D'ye
slightly caddish and knock me think I don't know how despicable I
around, and not to love me too am to you?’ and immediately she fell
much. I like men who think they are into a fit of crying and sighing. The
God.” - Joan Wyndham: Love Lessons man, quite astonished, began to em-
“If [a woman] is married, her brace her and ask in what way he
whole dignity depends upon her had offended her, so that he might
being completely subjected, and make amends in the future. And the
seeming to be so subjected, to her woman answered: ‘Where are your
husband. She has the power to blows and beatings, the proofs of
withdraw her freedom, if she could your love? Sure it is that in this
have the will to do so. But that is the country they are the only proofs we
very point; she cannot rationally will accept.’ When Jordanes heard this,
to be free.” - Johann Gottlieb Fich- his amazement at first hindered his
te: The science of rights (ca. 1800) laughter, but soon after, when both
“Among some nations, such as the were over, he thought it for his in-
Persians and Russians, the married terest to use her as she had pre-
women take it as a token of love scribed, and not long after took an
from their husbands to be soundly occasion to beat her; and she, grow-
beaten. Barclay says of the Russian ing into good humour by the influ-
wives that they estimate the kind- ence of the cudgel, from that time
ness of their husbands from the forward began to love and esteem
strokes they give them, and are nev- her husband in earnest.’ Petrus
er more happy than when they have Petræus, in his chronicle of Musco-
met with a man of barbarous tem- vy, tells us the same story with this
29
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
addition, that husbands usually an,‘ she said. ‘It is also, in a way that
provided whips after their wedding is hard to make clear to a man, pro-
for the same purpose, and reckon foundly satisfying.‘” - John Norman:
them among the household gods.” - Page 312, Beasts of Gor
John Henry Meibomius, Tractatus de “‘The whip is good for us,’ she
usu flagrorum in re medica et said. ‘Perhaps it is hard for you to
venerea (A treatise on the use of flog- understand that, as you are not a
ging in medicine and venery) woman. It makes our womanhood a
“Woman in her greatest perfection hundred times more meaningful.
was made to serve and obey man, The essential point here is not being
not to rule and command him.” - whipped, of course, which hurts, but
John Knox: First Blast of the Trumpet being subject to the whip, and being
against the Monstous Regiment of truly subject to it. You see the dis-
Women(1558) tinction, I am sure.
“How beautiful I must look to him, “‘We know that men are by nature
I thought. And I had sensed his in- sovereign over us. That comprehen-
credible maleness, the animal male- sion requires no greater insight. Ac-
ness of him, so different from the cordingly, men must then either
thwarted, crippled sexuality so fulfil their nature, or deny it, and in
commended and tragically endemic denying their nature, deny us ours,
among the males of Earth. For the for ours is the complement to theirs.
first time in my life I felt I under- Accordingly we despise men who
stood what might be the meaning of surrender their natural sovereignty.
the expression ‘male,’ and as I lay Surely, we would not be so stupid,
before him, too, dimly, it frightening would not be such weaklings and
me, what might be the meaning of fools as to do that, if we were men. It
the expression ‘female.’ How beauti- would be too valuable and too glori-
ful, I thought, I must look to him, ous a thing to give up. Its surrender
lying bound, totally vulnerable, would be a tragedy.
helpless at his feet. How such a sight “‘But we are not men! We are
must stir the splendor of his man- women, and want, truly, with every-
hood, to see the female, his, caught, thing in our hearts and bellies, to be
helpless at his feet, his to do with in women, and we cannot be women
lust and pleasure, and joy, as he truly if men are not truly men! Lay
pleased, helpless to escape him, free down the whip, and we will attack
for him to work his will upon her!” - you, and undermine you, and use
John Norman: Page 27, Slave Girl of your own laws, institutions, and
Gor rhetorics to destroy you, inch by
“It is pleasant to take a proud free inch. Lift it, and we will lick your
woman and teach her her woman- feet in gratitude.’” - John Norman:
hood.” - John Norman: Page 58, Page 157, Renegades of Gor
Vagabonds of Gor “I don't want a submissive type of
“‘There is something about being person; she just wouldn't suit me.
owned, and belonging to another, However, I do like to be in charge.” -
which is very meaningful to a wom- John O, on this site.
30
 QUOTATIONS
“[W]hen you “submit” to or “dom- “Of course, like Shakespeare, I
inate” someone in a situation where would teach twenty but fail to fol-
safe words are used and when limi- low my own teaching. I hve never
tations are negotiated, you are not found it necessary to adopt such
actually submitting or dominating at violent measures in my own family,
all—you are playing at it.” - Jon Ja- but I have seen a lot of wives just
cobs: Jon's Speech, October 8, 1996 spoiling for a spanking. A man must
“Submissive women run the gam- be a leader in his home if he expects
ut in aggressiveness from almost to make progress in his activities
completely passive to super- away from home.
aggressive. They can range from “When you first put a halter on a
mildly resistant and disobedient, baby calf and try to teach him to
especially in the early period of a lead, he will buck, plunge and try to
relationship, to super-resistant. tangle your legs in the rope, but
What all submissive women share once he finds tha tyou stand firm he
has nothing to do with levels of re- trots along beside you and seems to
sistance or aggressiveness: it is the enjoy the performance. Leading a
simple and profound desire to be family is much the same process,
controlled, protected, and con- first the wife and then each kid in
tained—in a word, dominated.” - turn must understand that papa is
Jon Jacobs: An open letter to a domi- the ultimate authority. You can spoil
nant man a calf by kicking his ribs, but im-
“ISome wives seem determined to prove his performance by a light
dominate the household and use switch applied to his tail region, and
every trick in the book to make hub- so is it the way with the human fam-
by lose face, and unfortunately ily. Be firm, and if necessary switch
many of them succeed. A man who them a little, but never lose your
loses face at home is bound to reflect temper in the process.” - Joseph H.
his inferior position by his actions, Peck, M.D.: Life with Women and how
and soon other men on the job begin to Survive it, Chapter 8.—Your Own
to treat him with as little considera- Private Gettysburg
tion as he receives off the job. “The question that emerged was
“Remember, she may fight you this: if masculinity is a contract with
like a tiger to impose her will upon the dominant (rape) culture that we
you, but she hopes that you will slap had signed as little boys, now that
her down either literally or figura- we had gotten to read the fine print
tively and wull be even more upset and knew damn well that we didn't
if you fail to do so. Don't apply brute like what we saw there, could we
force unless you are big enough to break the contract?...
take her over your knee and spank “I was clear that I didn't want to
her; a black eye may be used as evi- rape, even if she didn't call it rape or
dence in court, but no woman will experience it as rape. ...
expose a reddened bottom to the “We had already stopped the self-
jury. deception of ‘reading’ our partners'
body language and had begun to
31
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
inactivate the objectifying sex-talk invited participants to practice, as a
and metaphors of the men's locker public call and response, a series of
room that we'd been raised with. direct expressions (“Miss Cow's
Now we began to notice when we Maxims”) he'd developed to help
were using violent metaphors in reduce the risk of violation in pri-
non-sexual contexts: ‘It strikes me vate: “I don't understand!”, ‘Please
that...’, ‘He ‘blew me away’....’, ‘It explain.’, ‘What are you doing?’,
beats me.’, ‘It wiped me out.’, ‘We ‘What do you mean?’, ‘Speak for
targeted this group.’, ‘I was going yourself!’, ‘Please stop!’, and the
great guns.’, ‘Give it your best shot.’, crowd's favorite ‘Please continue!’
‘It really hit home.’ Rape is first and Creating this kind of profoundly
foremost an act of violence, and each personal yet publicly sanctioned
time we unconsciously use a violent language helped protect everyone
or militaristic metaphor, we verbally there, by providing individual men,
reproduce an essential part of that many of whom lacked communica-
act and reinforce the rape culture. ... tion skills, with language they could
“One dramatic example of how the use to negotiate their interactions
language of safety can be successful- with other men at the Festival.” -
ly internalized comes from the 1986 Joseph Weinberg & Michael
Midwest Men's Festival. Sparky T. Biernbaum: Coming Home to a World
Rabbit, accompanied by his sign- Without Rape12
carrying hand puppet, ‘Miss Cow,’

QUOTATIONS: K

“This means so much to me. It nition. You MUST wear the pants.
means more to me than I know how You MUST be the literal and figura-
to articulate, that you're, in a sense, tive Head of your household. If you
giving me my freedom and my dig- cannot do this, you should indeed
nity back. Do you remember when go your own way or confine your-
you told me that I made you feel like self to Gaming women for short
a real woman, that no one else ever term relationships with no commit-
has? Well, you make me feel like a ment.
real man... and just so you know... “Remember: NO woman respects
no one else ever has. ... I'm just head a man she can rule. Any man she
over heels crazy about you... There can rule, is a man she will have con-
are not enough adjectives in Web- tempt for. Any man she has con-
ster's to describe my feelings for tempt for, she simply cannot lust.
you.” - Ken And if she doesn’t lust you, she cer-
“To put it succinctly—the key to tainly will not ‘love’ you.” - Keoni
surviving—and indeed, even thriv- Galt: Avoiding the Fate of the AMC,
ing—in marriage 2.0, is to behave 14th February 2010
and conduct yourself as if you were “To me the stick only works when
in marriage 1.0…the old school defi- there is sufficient carrot (love, car-
32
 QUOTATIONS
ing) backing it up, and that takes them to excel the other, and because
time and energy and investment on they spend of their property for the
the part of the would be stick wield- support of women. So good women
er. If there isn't sufficient carrot, and are the obedient.” - The Koran, Chap-
my S/O tried to use the stick against ter IV
me, I might be tempted to take the “If a woman submits to me out of
stick away from him and use it to duty, I don't want her. A robot can
play 9 innings of nuclear baseball.” - do a duty, and I have no desire for a
Kim: Military Discipline and Ro- robot. A mechanical submission is
mance simply subjugation, and that isn't
“Since domination is an active what any man here would want.
process, you have to do something. This submission must come wholly
You can lead by example, you can from the heart. That kind of submis-
encourage through approval, you sion by its very nature demands a
can discourage through disapproval, love and caring from the man it's
you can beat them until they do given to.” - KrosRogue
what you want, you can restrict ac- “Promiscuity starts out fun and
tions, you can micromanage every- exciting, like an addictive drug.
thing, probably more I can't think of And, just like an addictive drug,
at the moment. It doesn't matter how each taste demands more. Each taste
dominant you feel, or how dominant satisfies less. Finally, each taste be-
you look, or how dominant you talk; comes disgusting, and yet the de-
in the end, you're as dominant as mand keeps growing.” - KrosRog-
you do.” - Kor ue13
“Men are in charge of women, be-
cause Allah hath made the one of

QUOTATIONS: L

“Beware. I have been generous up and I will be your slave.” - Jareth's

until now, but I can be cruel... Every- proposal in Labyrinth, a film di-
thing that you wanted, I have done. rected by Jim Henson and starring
You asked that the child be taken, I David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly.
took him. You cowered before me, I “When I’m with a woman who’s
was frightening. I have reordered highly socially intelligent, I always
time, I have turned the world upside let her run chick game on me and
down, and I have done it all for you. otherwise test me as a man. Why?
I’m exhausted from living up to Because her social intelligence is a
your expectations. Isn’t that gener- gift and she needs to use her gifts to
ous? Stop, wait...look what I’m offer- feel like a woman. Also, it’s healthy
ing you: your dreams. I ask for so because I need to be tested as a man
little. Just let me rule you, and you in the relationship. Being tested is
can have everything that you want. part of my destiny and provides
Just fear me, love me, do as I say, opportunities for growth. When she
33
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
gets out of line, which she will, I ings. Vulnerability is not the same as
spank her and ‘punish’ her when we weakness—it actually takes much
have sex. I want her to get out of line more strength and courage to risk
and she wants to be spanked. That emotionally than it does to stay de-
zeroes everything out and we’re all fended.” - Laura Doyle: The Surren-
good. Plus the sex kicks ass. dered Wife
“From afar what this looks like is “I sincerely believe that if women
that my girlfriend is ‘kind of a bitch’. studied male lessons in concepts of
On a scale of 1-10, it’s a 3-4 in bitchi- assertion, courage, destiny, purpose,
ness. I’ve been with women who honor, dreams, endeavor, persever-
can’t control their gifts and they end ance, goal orientation, etc., they
up being a 9-10 in bitchiness. That’s would have a more fufilling life,
too much. I drop those chicks. pick better men with whom to be
Women who have no bitchiness intimate, and have better relation-
whatsoever can’t be trusted, because ships with them.” - Laura
she’s either repressing her nature or Schlessinger: Ten Stupid Things
a pushover, neither of which are Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives
healthy. Bottom line here is I want a “Everything a woman values most
girlfriend who is kind of a bitch and in life can be directly attributed to
also a sweetheart.” - Lance her husband's penis. [...] Men are as
“I am a person with a great deal of romantic and loving as women are,
intelligence, intellect, and of course as sweet and tender and sensitive,
at times arrogance. Which means but they are also potent sexual be-
when I am wrong. I can be spectacu- ings who need to be loved for the
larly wrong. I require somebody very thing that makes them so. A
smart enough to know when I am man's penis is what makes him a
wrong, strong enough to tell me, man. It gives him the drive and de-
and sweet enough to make me like termination that men have, it makes
it.” - LAR him do the thousand and one little
“We all need a center. For some it things women find so endearing
is having a partner who is willing to about men. It makes him strong and
discipline you and be your anchor. courageous, a valiant protector, a
For others like me, it is being that fierce defender, a world conqueror
anchor. It is being needed in that and an explorer of brave new
special way and being able to show worlds. It also makes him gentle
the person I love in the most direct when he wants to be. It makes him
way possible—I am here, it is OK loving and tender towards the
and I am not going to let you fall. ” - woman who inspires love in him
LAR and the children they create together
“Keep in mind that you can be in- because of it.” - Leanne Bell: His
timate with your husband only to Penis
the degree that you are willing to “Women who choose not to take
show him your soft underbelly, be- their husband's surname after mar-
cause vulnerability is the part of us riage are not sexually attracted to
that connects with other human be- them, and will likely be the one to
34
 QUOTATIONS
initiate divorce. When a woman aside. You would not be expected to
feels metaphysically submissive to a take a masculine role or responsibili-
man, when she admires all the mas- ties but would be free to be fully a
culine qualities he exhibits and woman. You could rightly and
deems him worthy of submitting to, properly receive discipline from
sexually speaking, she will gladly your lord and he could punish you
become “his” and take his name. or reward you as he thought best.
This is the essence of femininity.” - He could lead without ignoring your
Leanne Bell: Maiden Names views, and you could follow without
“I have always loved men but I indignity. His could rightly expect to
never fully appreciated what a won- be honoured with your obedience
derful, inspiring, uplifting thing a but you could rightly expect to be
good man is until I met the finest honoured as his royal companion,
example of masculinity there is. My not as his dog or dishwasher. Your
husband Dwayne is a constant joy to commitment to his well-being and
me, not only for the delight he his commitment to your well-being
brings to our marriage and to our would be total and no longer nego-
life, but for the million, tiny, quiet tiable.” - LifeOfCuriosity
ways he has of being moral, of being “If your marriage has gone stale
visionary, of smiling at the stars and then the first step towards an im-
proving that life is good, for the no- provement would be to start treating
bility he sees in the beauty around your spouse as if he (or she) is the
him and his intense desire to paint most attractive and desirable person
the world as he knows it can and in the world. You might not, at this
ought to be. There is no finer man moment, think they are attractive or
than my husband, and I am privi- desirable, you might find the idea
leged he calls me wife.” - Leanne ridiculous or even be totally weary
Bell: In Defence of Men with their presence, but your emo-
“[M]arriage as marriage is sup- tional railway carriages will follow
posed to be: no opt-out clause, total the track that your locomotive ac-
commitment and an understanding tions lead them along. Treat your
that the woman follows her hus- husband or wife as if they are spe-
band's lead and obeys him.” - cial and in due course your emo-
LifeOfCuriosity tional attraction for them will also
“If you were married in the Bibli- deepen and broaden.” - LifeOfCuri-
cal sense of the word you would be osity
subject to your husband. You could “A person's feelings will follow
rightly and properly refer to your their actions. P's attraction towards
husband as “my lord”. You could Q depends on what P does for Q, not
rightly and properly serve him on what Q does for P. Treat some-
without being servile and defer to body as if you love them and you
him while still being a creature with will come to feel love for them; treat
your own independent ideas, talents somebody as if you dislike them,
and abilities and a realistic expecta- and you will come to dislike them.” -
tion that they would not be brushed LifeOfCuriosity
35
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“I used to think that all done for us is even things up a bit.” -
submissives want to serve and be Louise C
used, now I realize that's very un- “To write on a subject such as this
true.” - Liz (emeraldead@ya-hoo. is to fall headlong into a masochistic
com): Biggest Myths venture. [...] I am aware that much
“[I]t's about who has the ultimate of my own psychology emerges,
authority, not just who gets to make exhibiting itself here and there be-
up “silly rules.”” - Liz (emeraldead tween periods and paragraphs, ex-
@yahoo.com) posing itself behind adjectives. This
“Dominant individuals are orient- cannot be helped and ought not to
ed to be fulfilled in a relationship be avoided. It is part of maso-
based on them having day to day chism—confession, exposure, reveal-
authority, and submissive individu- ing, stripping, reducing to essen-
als are oriented to be fulfilled in a tials.” - Lyn Cowan: - Masochism: A
relationship based on them not hav- Jungian View (A Confessional Fanta-
ing day to day authority. And that's sy..., page xi)
not a trait—that's an orientation. A “Masochism is an art of holding
‘dominant orientation’ and ‘domi- oneself in oppositional extremity.
nant personality’ are two totally The masochist sees himself living—
different things. Orientation is the appears to live—in extremis, at the
type of relationship we are fulfilled very edge of danger, madness,
in. A personality/personality traits death. A masochist's pleasure is ex-
is a make-up of how we tend to tremely painful and his pain, ex-
feel/react as we live in the world. So tremely pleasurable. Often opposite
it is quite common to have a domi- feelings like pride and humiliation
nant personality but a submissive are present simultaneously, both
relationship orientation.” - Liz torturous, both pleasurable. In the
([email protected]) midst of such emotional extremity,
“Oh, how nice it would be to feel the need and feeding of the maso-
serene and submissive and hap- chistic compulsion is clearly, itself,
py all the time. But with me the part of the torture and pleasure.
submissiveness never seems to last; There is pride in this cliff-hanging
it wears off, and then I'm my usual extremity, in maintaining these im-
self again. I am a shrew who can possible oppositions without plung-
be tamed, but only on a temporary ing over the edge. It is an extreme
basis. A sort of Timeshare Taming.” pride, a pride of extremity, of going
- Louise C to extremes and surviving. It is a
“I always felt that my husband pride of promethean proportions.” -
loved me more than I loved him. Lyn Cowan: Masochism: A Jungian
What Taken In Hand seems to have View (page 92)14

QUOTATIONS: M

36
 “For a man to feel like a man, a advice on how to get a man. Better
masculine man, he needs to do mas- you should know how not to get a
culine things. It’s that simple. He man...especially if you really want
needs to lead, he needs to act, he one.
needs to utilize what he’s naturally “You can't shoulder a rifle and go
got to be productive. He wants to be out and shoot a man. That didn't
looked up to. He wants to be re- even work for Calamity Jane, and
spected. He wants to be attractive to she was a crack shot. You can't drop
women (unless he’s gay). These a net over one as he passes beneath
things will not be achieved by reject- your window. You can't throw
ing masculine behavior.” - M3: yourself in front of a likely
Chicken or the Egg, December 12, prospect's car, because it's a bit too
2012 dramatic, not to mention potentially
“[H]e treated me like a woman, hazardous to your health. And here
which is all I really ask or want. I are a few more ways you can't get a
felt handled by him, and this is a man: You can't get one with good
good feeling.” - Madalyn Murray, in cooking, kindness, patience, plan-
an interview in Playboy in the 1960s. ning, effervescence, or evasiveness.
“Poor is the man whose pleasure Understated elegance won't do it.
depends on the permission of anoth- Neither will over-inflated measure-
er.” - Madonna: Justify My Love ments. You can't get a man with
“[A] man does not want a nagging looks, logic, persuasion, or a one-
wife, nor does he want as doormat. two punch landed squarely on the
He wants one with dignity and opin- jaw.
ions and spunk, but one who will “Personality, pretty legs, common
leave the final decision to him.” - sense, or conniving—you can't get a
Marabel Morgan: The Total Woman, man that way either. A new hairdo
page 84-85 won't get a man. An old pair of blue
“Now that you are single you will jeans won't get him either. (If they
discover yourself clucked over and are tight they might get him tempo-
admonished almost daily by loving rarily). You can't get him by being
relatives to go forth and find a mate good in bed (although it too might
who will care for you in the manner get him temporarily), by batting
to which they would like to see you your eyelashes, puckering your lips,
become accustomed. Toward this or preparing the world's best bouil-
end they will provide you with a labaisse. Being tricky will do you no
great deal of guidance, all of which, good. Being tender won't either. You
they will assure, is guaranteed to can be sweet or sour, play hard to
accomplish this Amazonian task. All get or pant like an over-anxious pup.
of which, they will not admit, you You can have an unsightly pimple or
may toss away without so much as a be porcelain-skinned, share his in-
second thought. Few of their sugges- terest in old cars, iron his shirt,
tions will provide adequate assur- scream, shout, coo, cuddle, be as
ance of locating a loving, lucid mate. mercurial as the Mad Hatter or as
What your advisers are providing is
37
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
serene as a ship under sail. Makes no found beautiful only by the blind.” -
difference. You can't get a man. Marie de Jars: Proumenoir (1594)
“The reason you can't get a man is “All men are rapists and that's all
quite simple, and it's something they are. They rape us with their
your supporters won't tell you. You eyes, their laws and their codes.” -
can't get a man because a man has to Marilyn French: The Women's Room
get you. And 999 times out of 1,000, “[I]s cheating on the mother of
a man is not in an acquiring mood. your children with your super hot
Unfortunate maybe, but that's the secretary Being Alpha? Is sleeping
way it is. You see it's a big world out with 100 hot girls because you’re
there, and there are lots of women still not over your ex Being Alpha?
for men to love. Not to mention that Is barging into some guy’s birthday
there has been propaganda to the party and stealing his booze Being
effect that love today is free.... Alt- Alpha?
hough someone eventually winds “No, it’s being an Overcompensat-
up paying for it. ing Dick.
“So he either wants you or he “Everything described above re-
doesn't. There's not a whole lot you quires confidence, power, persua-
can do about it. If he does, he'll bat- siveness, ...[b]ut they’re all actions
tle any odds to achieve his goal. If he borne out of deep insecurities, moral
doesn't, you could be Farrah Faw- faults and anxieties.
cett-Majors wrapped in Barbara “The Alpha/Beta worldview leads
Hutton's bankbook and he would to misogynistic thinking as well,
still turn his back. And that is why, since female behavior is interpreted
no matter what your friends and not through their own thoughts and
anxious relatives imply, you really, feelings, but through their reactions
absolutely, honestly, cannot get a to the Alphas/Betas around them.
man.” - 'Why You Can't Get A Man' The idea is that women . . . pursue
in The Statue of Liberty is cracking up: the Alpha, use the Beta. This is fan-
A guide to loving, leaving, and living tasy. A role that’s purely an exten-
again, by Marcy Bachmann Wetton sion of the guy’s Alpha/Beta fixa-
and Jan Goldberg Curran (1979) tion in himself, a broken record
“The feminists have become far playing inside his own mind. And
too strident and have done damage not to mention it gives women little
to the cause of women by making us to no credit to both their nuanced
out to be something we're not. You preferences, as well as their ability to
get on because you have the right act on their own free will. When I
talents. ... I don't notice that I am a see a man judging female behavior
woman. I regard myself as the Prime in these terms, my first reaction is
Minister.” - Margaret Thatcher, 1980 always to think: this guy has spent
“The common man believes that in way too much time chasing the
order to be chaste a woman must not wrong kinds of women.
be clever: in truth it is doing chastity “And finally, perceiving the world
too little honour to believe it can be in these terms sabotages real rela-
tionships and strong emotional con-
38
 QUOTATIONS
nections. If the definition of Being sacrifice himself, or even to take a
Alpha is somewhere in the vicinity backseat and let others shine, he can.
of holding your personal drives That’s the mark of the True Alpha
above others, and the definition of Male, the man who has utter control
an emotional connection with a over his boundaries...” - Mark Han-
woman is to empathize with her and son: Butchering the Alpha Male,
literally see and feel the world February 11, 2011
through her eyes, then we have a “To be completely woman you
major conflict of interest. The two need a master and in him, a compass
are mutually exclusive. Genuine for your life. You need a man you
emotional connection, by definition, can look up to and respect. If you
requires one to experience and relate dethrone him, it is no wonder that
to the drives, motivations and will of you are discontented, and discon-
a woman. This is simply impossible tented women are not loved for
if you’re enmeshed in a self-serving long.” - Marlene Dietrich (If this
and social-bulldozing mindset. quote is not apocryphal, please let
“And once you begin to date a girl me know where and when she said
you really like, other issues begin to this, someone, because I have been
crop up: i.e., commitment, sacrifice, unable to track it down!)
compromise, boundaries, etc. These “[T]he Lord has certainly not made
are anathema to the classic married women subservient to have
PUA/MDA dogma of Alphaness. her polluted and tormented by the
And if you hold onto it, you’re going extortions and injuries of her hus-
to get hurt and screwed again… and band but rather so that she may re-
it’s not going to be her fault this time ceive discipline from him, as if from
either. her master and saviour, like the
“... When the neophyte is experi- church from Christ.” - Martin
encing his first Alpha awakenings, Bucer: De Regno Christi
it’s not that he’s getting free drinks “Man does not exist for the sake of
that is making him successful, and woman, but woman exists for the
it’s not that he’s able to intimidate sake of man and hence there shall be
another guy away from talking to a this difference that a man shall love
girl. It’s not even that he’s acting his wife but never be subject to her,
confidently. For the first time in his but the wife shall honour and fear
life, he’s establishing boundaries the husband.” - Martin Luther: Vin-
around who he is and what he dication of Married Life, 16th century
wants, and he asserts control within “Men have broad and large chests,
those boundaries. That’s all. Every- and small narrow hips, and more
thing else was just a mirage to get understanding than women, who
him to work up the nerve to take have but small and narrow breasts,
action. and broad hips, to the end that they
“A new-definition Alpha Male has should remain at home, sit still, and
complete control over his bounda- keep house, that they should bear
ries, so if he CHOOSES to act self- and bring up children.” - Martin
lessly, to act compassionately, to
39
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Luther: Table Talk, “Of marriage and SHIP you show, the more ATTRAC-
celibacy”, 16th century TIVE you will be.” - Michael W.
“I do not wish them to have power “Women don't want a politically
over men; but over themselves.” - correct man, they want a real man.”
Mary Wollstonecraft: A Vindication of - Michael W.
the Rights of Woman “The Democrats of the Sixties were
“A: ‘Do you believe in clubs for all about making love and not war
women?’ while a war-loving Republican is a
“B: ‘Only if all other methods of man who would fight, bleed, sacri-
persuasion fail.’” - Max Kauffmann fice, and die for his country. Could
“I love the ability my natural, laid- you imagine what that very same
back dominance gives me to cherish man would do for his wife in the
the woman in my life. If she is a bedroom?” - Michele Zipp, Playgirl
warrior, I want our intimate rela- editor-in-chief, quoted in the Drudge
tionship to help her fight better, if Report: Playgirl Editor-in-Chief Outs
she is an artist, I want it to help her Herself—As a Republican, Mon Mar
create with more ease and passion, if 07 2005 19:42:14 ET
she is herself a care-giver, I want it “I tell my young assistants that the
to help make nurturing others easier more they dress for sex, the less sex
and less exhausting. If there is one they will have.” - Miuccia Prada
thing that I truly want our relation- “Never be afraid to ask for what
ship to give to my love, it is this— you want from anyone, even if it
empowerment.” - Max Maximovich means you won't get it. Then you
“Women love to be sat on and will know whether to accept the
conquered. They love to be bossed.” choice on offer or move on. ” -
- Maximilian Schell, Austrian actor Mousling
(1978) “When Jack walks tentatively up
“We don't need to be taken care of, to me and gives me that whiney
but we want to be. We're not helpless ‘Honey, can we please have sex?’
weaklings, but we want a man who he’s already lost the battle. Let me
can stand up to us. We're not gener- explain:
ally submissive people, but when we “If you ASK for sex, the answer is
meet the right man, we want to no. It’s the same principle as buying
submit to him.” - Melanie a car—if you have to ask the price,
“The daughter-in-law of Pythago- you can’t afford it. End of story. The
ras said that a woman who goes to second you ask for sex, you are tell-
bed with a man ought to lay aside ing your woman that you have no
her modesty with her skirt, and put intention of getting her off, you have
it on again with her petticoat.” - Mi- no intention of being a MAN, and
chael de Montaigne: Essais, I (1580- she is basically just a step up from
88) the masturbating you were about to
“Anything less than total domi- do. You’re telling her that you
nance these days makes you look wouldn’t mind sex, but you’re too
real UGLY. And the more DOMI- lazy to ‘work’ for it. It’s a ‘just in
NANT you are, the more LEADER- case’ request.
40
 QUOTATIONS
“I’m sure, from a man’s point of and sees a reflection of the British
view, he’s trying to be ‘sensitive’ to Museum Reading Room?” - Muriel
her needs and maybe a tad on the Spark: The wit of Women
insecure side—but trust me, women “‘Sex,’ she says, ‘is a subject like
don’t like the weakness in their any other subject. Every bit as inter-
partners.” - Mrs Jones: The Orgy esting as agriculture.’” — Muriel
“Do you think it pleases a man Spark: The Hothouse by the East Riv-
when he looks into a woman's eyes er15

QUOTATIONS: N

“According to the Torah, a man shortcut to increasing the odds of

does not automatically have a right success with women—and it seems
to his wife's earnings. However, the to have worked to some extent. But
rabbis instituted that since the hus- ‘signaling’ is not ‘being’ and so ma-
band is obligated to feed, clothe and turity means actualy growing and
provide housing for his wife it is developing as men. And of course it
only fitting that he should be the gets out of hand with men believing
beneficiary of her earnings. It should dick-headedness is a ‘signal’ of be-
be noted that even after the rabbis ing alpha.
established this rule, if a woman “Interesting study this month by
wishes, she has the right to tell her Dr Diane Felmlee, a professor, and
husband, ‘I will support myself and Dr Robert Faris, an assistant profes-
I will keep my earnings.’”—N. Sil- sor, at University of California, Da-
berberg vis, showed that the popular kids in
“Nature intended women to be high school use bullying to enforce
our slaves... They are our property, their position in the pecking order.
we are not theirs ... They belong to Mean Girls was right. BUT! The
us, just as a tree which bears fruit people in the top 2% were the least
belongs to the gardener.” — Napo- aggressive in enforcing the pecking
leon Bonaparte (1817) order—both male and female. May-
“A man must learn to give a little be being truly alpha and having
space; A peaceful state—a submis- personal freedom and large mate
sive trait; A man must learn to gen- choice means getting past all that
tly dominate.” - Neil Peart (Rush) AMOG shit.” - Nicholas: comment
“Fortune is like a woman; if you on Butchering the Alpha Male, Febru-
wish to master her, you must con- ary 11, 2011
quer her by force. Moreover, she is “She seems to need to know that I
more willing to be conquered by am serious and won't back down. I
forceful men of ability than by timid actually find this battle of wills quite
cowards.” - Niccolo Machiavelli: The exhilarating and I think she does
Prince too. She has always made it clear
“I think the PUA guys developed that she needs the man to be strong-
ways to ‘signal’ dominance as a er and I wouldn't want to be with a

41
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
woman who couldn't be herself, and way, spanking consummates the
just gave in to me. There is little relationship.” - Noone
chance of that with my wife, lol. “To keep their sanity, women need
However this means that her sub- to acknowledge the natural power of
mission is all the more important to men over women—a power that
her and to me because it is not easily women generally respect even if
won. It also makes it something spe- they may not relish it. If a man de-
cial just between us. Once she is cer- cides that it is time to spank a wom-
tain that I won't back down it seems an in his life, he usually has more
that she relaxes because she feels upper body strength than she does
that I am strong enough to be in and can get her feet off the floor to
control and ... she loses the will to adequately carry out his intentions.
fight.” —Nick More than a few women admit to
“Certain women should be struck routinely having sex after spanking
regularly, like gongs.” —Noël Cow- or anytime the man wants it. Thus, if
ard: Private Lives precautions are neglected in the pas-
“Every woman loves more than a sions of the moment, a little remind-
man does, but out of shame she er can roll out nine months later.
hides the sting of love, although she That is the power of the penis and
be mad for it.” - Nonnus: Dionysiaca the rod. Any woman who does not
(ca. AD 500) recognize the natural power of men
“Innately, women look for men to profoundly affect her life is living
able to take charge and come to des- in a fantasy world.” - Noone
pise the man failing to live up to that “To be taken in hand is to be led -
instinctive expectation. sometimes dragged - through the
“Over the next several years—as various halls, up the stairs, and
footloose and fancy-free lifestyles through the doors of her mind until
become increasingly fraught with the woman emerges into the bright
dubious outcomes amid turbulent sunlight of martial bliss in the arms
circumstances—finding and main- of the man who cared enough to
taining stable relationships will be- rescue her. There, safe from the
come imperative. Although by no dragon that held her captive, she is
means a perfect solution for all prob- free to be held, wooed, and loved as
lems, Taken In Hand can solve or she never thought possible. Only
reduce many marital difficulties.” - then will she see her knight. Until
Noone then, the man in her life might as
“Taken in Hand should be for the well be just another toad hopping
good of the marriage or it should be about, gobbling insects, and leaving
that which is best for the woman. It droppings.” - Noone
should never be about what the man “Although rarely explicit, a wom-
wants now.” - Noone an will frequently give implicit per-
“I do not believe that a man mission to a man to do whatever is
should ever spank a woman that he necessary to keep the relationship
does not intend to hold tightly and together. She then expects him to act
keep for a lifetime. For, in its own on her permission just as surely as if
42
 QUOTATIONS
she put the implement in his hands a stonewall around her emotions.” -
and presented herself to be disci- Noone
plined or punished at his pleasure.” “I agree with Friedrich Nietzsche.
- Noone Whether he uses it or not, women do
“It is not a man's tyranny that need to know that the man has a
hurts woman so much as his indif- whip. And sometimes, it is neces-
ference.” - Noone sary to get beyond the polite and
“Women respect men who are un- tasteful, and into the rape aspect of
apologetic. It gives them a feeling of discipline.” - Noone
security. The danger, of course, is “In a curious way, the phallus and
the man who is both unapologetic the rod (stick, cane, paddle, etc.) are
and who lacks a conscience. That is much the same. Both are controlled
why women have to be careful in by the man and are used on the
choosing men.” - Noone woman. Both can bring a woman
“A woman knows that the pain into subjection. The phallus with a
visited on her bottom is meaningful child. The rod by denying her com-
only if the man does it because he posure. Both deny the woman con-
loves her. Otherwise, she will build trol over her life.” - Noone16

QUOTATIONS: O

“Every woman loves the idea of a “How can a woman be expected to

sheikh carrying her off on his white be happy with a man who insists on
horse and raping her in his tent. It's treating her as if she were a perfectly
a basic feminine instinct.” - Omar normal human being?” – Oscar
Sharif, Egyptian actor, interview, Wilde
1981 “Woman is essentially a Phallus
“The key for men is to be a good worshipper ... permeated with a fear
man who’s kind and considerate, like that of a bird for a snake... It has
but also has alpha qualities. You’ve never until now been made so clear
got to be the leader. You’ve got to be where the bondage of women lies; it
the MAN. If your woman gets out of is in the sovereign, all too welcome
line, you’ve got to take her aside and power wielded over them by the
tell her that shit will NOT be tolerat- Phallus..” - Otto Weininger: Sex and
ed.” - Omerta327 character
“I am afraid that women appreci- “Who that is wise would not min-
ate cruelty, downright cruelty, more gle kisses with coaxing words?
than anything else. They have won- Though she give them not, yet take
derfully primitive instincts. We have the kisses she does not give. Perhaps
emancipated them, but they remain she will struggle at first, and cry
slaves looking for their masters all ‘You villain!’ yet she will wish to be
the same.” - Oscar Wilde: The Picture beaten in the struggle... He who has
of Dorian Gray taken kisses, if he take not the rest
beside, will deserve to lose even

43
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
what was granted. ... You may use feign joy, will yet be sad.” - Ov-
force; women like you to use it; they id: The Art of Love (AD 5)
often wish to give unwillingly what Looks like a different translation of
they like to give. She whom a sud- the quote above: “What they love to
den assault has taken by storm is yield; They would often rather have
pleased, and counts the audacity as stolen. Rough seduction; Delights
a compliment. Yet she who, when them, the boldness of near rape; Is a
she might have been compelled, compliment.” - Ovid: The Art of Love
departs untouched, though her looks (AD 5)17

QUOTATIONS: P

“What does it mean to be a Christ- can openly share her heart without
like ‘head’ of his wife? It means that fear of retaliation from her husband,
he is deeply concerned about her she is able to vent her opinion, fears,
wellbeing. He is sacrificially com- and frustrations. Once she knows
mitted to every aspect of her per- that her husband has ‘heard’ her, she
sonal growth and fulfilment. He is can assume that he will integrate her
willing to take full responsibility for input into his decision.” - P.B. Wil-
her protection and guidance, while son: Liberated Through Submission, p.
leaving her the freedom to be herself 75
and fully develop into the unique “The godly husband is humble
woman God created her to be. In enough to listen and strong enough
short, a Christlike husband is dedi- to lead.” - P.B. Wilson: Liberated
cated to loving his wife as much as Through Submission, p. 76
he loves himself.” - P.B. Wil- “[A] man … tearfully explained
son: Liberated Through Submission, p. the difficulties he was having with
73 his wife. After the man went
“Before my husband matured in through a long list of faults, my pas-
the Lord and before I discarded my tor asked him, ‘What was she like
confrontational attitude, almost eve- when you married her?’
rything I said to him was responded “‘Oh pastor,’ he quickly replied,
to defensively. Now that he's chosen ‘she wasn't anything like she is to-
to take on the form of a servant in day. She was so nice.’
our relationship, he welcomes my “My pastor responded, ‘Well, she
comments. His defences are down. became the way she is now under
And since I know I don’t have to your leadership!’” - P.B. Wilson:
plough through a seven-foot wall to Liberated Through Submission, p. 77
reach him, I sometimes even find “For the first few years of our mar-
myself overly concerned with how I riage, almost every time I shared
express something to him. I don't ideas or opinions, [my husband]
want to misuse my freedom nor simply said, ‘That's dumb!’ This hurt
bruise him. This clearly applies to me deeply. I felt insulted and reject-
marriage relationships. When a wife ed. [In time, my husband] changed
44
 QUOTATIONS
his communication style. He hum- “‘The whole fact of the matter is
bled himself to listen and consider, that all this modern emancipation of
even when he didn’t agree.” - P.B. women has resulted in them getting
Wilson: Liberated Through Submission, it up their noses and not giving a
p. 78 damn what they do. It was not like
“Give your wife the freedom to this in Queen Victoria's day. The
express her emotions. [...] [L]isten to Prince Consort would have had a
her opinions … (that means looking word to say about a girl like Stiffy,
at her when she's talking and not what?’ ‘I can conceive that His Royal
cutting her off), and when she is Highness might quite possibly not
finished, consider her points. have approved of Miss Byng.’ ‘He
“Then make your decision. would have had her over his knee,
“Should you make the wrong deci- laying into her with a slipper, before
sion, be sure you acknowledge it.” - she knew where she was. And I
P.B. Wilson: Liberated Through Sub- wouldn't have put it past him to
mission, p. 87 have treated Aunt Dahlia in a simi-
“Husbands should ask themselves lar fashion.’” - P.G. Wodehouse: The
one very relevant question: ‘If your Code of the Woosters
wife were a required subject at a “A masculine-energy man does
local university, would you pass the not marry a woman who gives to
course?’” - P.B. Wilson: Liberated him, unless he is a ‘little boy’ who
Through Submission, p. 82 wants to be mothered. A masculine
“If she has been taking the leader- man marries a feminine woman who
ship in decision making for some is available to receive from him, who
time, be prepared for her gradual respects him for giving, and who
release. You’ll need to be patient! [. . knows how to give back to reward
. ] Ultimately, there will be peace in him but always a little less than she
your home.” - P.B. Wilson: Liberated gets.” - Pat Allen and Sandra Har-
Through Submission, p. 88 mon: Getting to "I Do" p. 59, Chapter
“She probably feels the [house- 4, Is giving masculine or feminine?
work] is extremely arduous and “If you are a healthy, feminine
taxing. One thing is certain: too woman, you are self-centered. You
much pressure can have negative love yourself first, before any man.
results and will place undue strain Then you share that love with your
on the relationship. [...] Don’t fall man and your loved ones. You say
into the trap of thinking that just no to people, places, and things that
because she’s a woman, she should hurt you in any way. You say no to
know how to clean. Develop ideas whatever strikes you as unethical.
that will build her self-esteem and You say no to the man you love.” -
encourage her in that area. Pat Allen and Sandra Harmon: Get-
[C]onsider hiring a cleaning person ting to "I Do" p. 59, Chapter 4, Is
on a weekly basis. Whatever you do, giving masculine or feminine?
your wife will appreciate your un- “Masculine men like problems and
derstanding…” - P.B. Wilson: Liber- challenges. They like the chase. ‘Lit-
ated Through Submission, p. 82 tle boys’ like Mama to do it for them;
45
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
they don't want you to ask them for spected and cherished, so if they fail
anything at all. Women who attempt to make or keep commitments,
to control seductively by saying yes ...they want their behavior to be ac-
to everything and suppressing feel- cepted and not confronted. But a
ings are insecure and inadequate as woman with such a man will soon
women.” - Pat Allen and Sandra feel uncherished and quickly lose
Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 60, respect for him. It is important that
Chapter 4, Is giving masculine or you do not rationalize away your
feminine? feelings in favor of his. ...[I]t is his
“A masculine man is turned off by job to cherish your feelings ahead of
a yes-woman, because he knows she his own. ... As soon as you perceive
is needy, dependent, guilt-inducing, your man slipping, you must talk to
and easily manipulated by any man. him about your negative feelings, in
He needs to trust your no to believe order for the relationship to function
your yes.” - Pat Allen and Sandra smoothly.” - Pat Allen and Sandra
Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 60, Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 73-4,
Chapter 4, Is giving masculine or Chapter 6, What masculine men
feminine? want from feminine women
“The ‘male’ energy is the giving, “Feminine women literally gush
initiating, leading, active partner, painful feelings verbally, and they
who elicits surrender, receptivity, need to know that all those painful
and bonding from his partner. [...] feelings will be accepted, even if not
Therefore, one of the most important approved of, by their men. A mascu-
qualities your masculine man will line man ...does not run away from
look for from you is joyous receptiv- her pain, nor does he expect her to
ity. By this I mean not only that he handle it alone.” - Pat Allen and
will expect you to receive gifts with Sandra Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p.
joy, but also the things that don't feel 75, Chapter 6, What masculine men
too good, such as how-to-do-it mes- want from feminine women
sages. A man doesn't want to fight “It can be difficult to defer and
tooth and nail to get a thought into suppress a need to control and in-
your thick skull. He wants you to be stead be patient and passive. But this
receptive to his opinions, sugges- is what it takes to be with a mascu-
tions, and plans.” - Pat Allen and line man.” - Pat Allen and Sandra
Sandra Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 77,
71, Chapter 6, What masculine men Chapter 6, What masculine men
want from feminine women want from feminine women
“A man will maintain his woman's “A man needs to feel respected by
respect by making and keeping his the woman he is sexually attracted
commitments to the best of his abil- to, but all too often we manage to
ity. Any sloppiness with commit- screw the whole thing up by criticiz-
ments will indicate that he doesn't ing his opinions, arguing about his
cherish your feelings and wants his philosophies, and generally making
feelings cherished instead. Narcissis- ourselves obnoxious. ... Being a sen-
tic people always want to be re- sual female means biting your lip
46
 QUOTATIONS
now and then. ... Be positive and Pat Allen, on TV show Millionnaire
supportive and encouraging about Matchmaker
his ideas, his plans, his opinions. ... “[W]omen are the victims of ‘be-
Accept that he may have a point of nevolent’ sexism (BS)—a subjective-
view worth hearing, then hear it and ly positive set of attitudes about
go with it, unless it is unethical or women that nevertheless treat them
immoral, or it doesn't feel good to as weaker and in need of men’s pro-
your body.” - Pat Allen and Sandra tection… BS is the payoff that wom-
Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 104, en receive for adopting conventional
Chapter 8, Flirt to attract gender roles and HS [hostile sexism]
“You must nourish a man's self- reflects the punishment that women
esteem. Women who cannot allow incur for not toeing the line. Would
themselves to feel ‘little’ next to their women have been so successfully
man are often afraid to be vulnerable subordinated for so long through
and intimate.” - Pat Allen and San- hostility alone?” - Peter Glick
dra Harmon: Getting to "I Do" p. 119, “By ‘woman’ is meant sensuality
Chapter 9, Finding your prince itself, which is well-signified by
“The problem was that instead of woman, since in woman this natu-
two people in a graceful game of rally prevails.” - Peter Lombard:
give and take, marriage became a Sententiae
battleground on which men and “If you are nothing more than a
women sought equal status and yes-girl there is no spark, no tension,
equal degrees of power and prestige. no heat, no interplay. It’s boring.
With both men and women vying You become totally predictable and
for the same position, the dance was never challenge him. You become an
abandoned as two partners strug- accessory.” - Dr. Phil McGraw: Love
gled for the lead. In the process, we Smart: Find the One You Want—Fix
forgot how to make love to one an- the One You Got(2005)
other.” - Pat Allen and Sandra Har- “No is no negative in a woman's
mon: Staying Married... and Loving It, mouth.” - Sir Philip Sidney: The
p. 5 Countess of Pembrokes Arcadia (1580)
“Most marital problems occur “A good woman ages beautifully.
when people try to maintain their When I look at my wife, I see the
single freedom and yet gain married most gorgeous woman in the uni-
benefits. The problem is narcis- verse. Her wrinkled hands got that
sism—wanting it all.” - Pat Allen way by keeping up with my two
and Sandra Harmon: Staying Mar- boys and working hard for them
ried... and Loving It, p. 5 while I was on the road. The lines
“Men want to get laid first and under her eyes are from years of
they want it as cheap as they can get shedding tears for me when I was at
it. The problem is that a woman who war, and those wrinkles on her brow
gives you sex without commitment are from decades of worry for me
is not a virtuous woman. Vaginas and my two sons. It was her legs
are fun to play with, but you don't they held on to when they were
marry vaginas. You marry virtue.” - learning to walk, her lap was where
47
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
they learned to read, and her breasts you guys have waiting for you back
were their first nourishment. The home.” - Philly, quoted on a now
first kiss those boys ever received defunct Game site
was from her lips, and God willing, “He who loves much beats hard.” -
my last kiss will be from her lips. Polish proverb
“You two don’t know what you’re “[W]hile I find it hot that [a] wom-
missing—or maybe you do. But all I an be submissive in bed, I find it hot
know is that she’s as beautiful, de- that a woman is not a push over
sirable, and lovely today as the day I outside of the bedroom. Someone
met her, and I wouldn’t trade one who is going to stand up for herself,
second with her for a lifetime of someone who doesn't take shit from
rowdiness with one of those harlots people, including me.” - Ponyboy18

QUOTATIONS: Q

Please send in quotes for this page!19

QUOTATIONS: R

“The great adventure of chivalric status within the same group... may
romance is the adventure of becom- it not be that true alphaness rests on
ing what (and who) you think you the capacity to attract and satisfy a
can be, of transforming the ‘aware- following?” - Robert Ardrey: The
ness’ of an inner self into an ‘actuali- Social Contract, pages 116, 117, 120,
ty’.” - Richard Barber: The Devil's 122
Crown: A history of Henry II and his “Real men are not wantonly vio-
sons lent or hostile.” - Robert Moore,
“So many variables enter the de- Douglas Gillette: King, Warrior, Ma-
termination of alphaness that one gician, Lover: Rediscovering the Arche-
faces an equation beyond solution. types of the Mature Masculine, page 5
Strength, intelligence, maleness, “[T]he pussy must always be sub-
courage, health, indefinable persis- ordinate to the cock. If it isn’t, she’ll
tence, ambition, confidence... luck... let you know with an icy cold stare,
political acumen... But the dominat- a backturn, a polite dismissal or,
ing cannot exist without the domi- worst, another man’s baby.” - Roissy
nated, the leader without followers... (heartiste): Women prefer dominant
a ‘hereditary compulsion to comply’ men. You don't say!
must be the real key to social organ- “Maxim #1a: Women desire men
ization... A more rewarding way of of better quality than themselves.
defining the dominance status of a “Maxim #2: Women are turned on
supremely dominant individual is by displays of male power. [...]
that he or she is the focus of atten- “Maxim #6: Never. Make. It. Easy.
tion of those holding subordinate For. A. Woman.

48
 QUOTATIONS
“Maxim #7: Your girl will thank “A wife may love a husband who
you for your steadfast devotion to never beats her, but she does not
your belief in yourself. [...] respect him.” - Russian proverb
“Maxim #19: Withholding sex is “Freedom spoils a good wife.” -
the tactic of a woman who has al- Russian proverb
ready lost. It is mutually assured “Most of the time, in order to
destruction. [...] know and be known, we have to
“Maxim #22: You have to make communicate or disclose something
marriage an attractive alternative for about our inner states or experiences
MEN—not women—if you want the ... Intimacy—the penetration of bar-
institution to thrive. [...] riers—implies the capacity to let
“Maxim #30: Women will not hold down defensive walls that keep us
it against you for trying to get into from revealing ourselves ... Once we
their panties on the first night. In know another and that person
fact, they will respect you more for knows us, we are bonded in on in-
your boldness and willingness to comparable way.” - Ruthellen
follow your manly desires. [...] Josselson: The Space Between Us20
“Maxim #33: Women need to test
men for their grace under pressure.”
- Roissy: Roissy's maxims

QUOTATIONS: S

“Feminist consciousness is the P&D a fat girl, but when it comes

consciousness of victimisation ... to time to get serious, it’s nothing but
come to see oneself as a victim.” - crickets. No thanks; I don’t play, and
Sandra Lee Bartkry: Femininity and I try not to let myself be flattered by
Domination: Studies in the Phenome- the attention, because it’s insincere.
nology of Oppression (Thinking Gen- “I’ve worked hard to improve my-
der) self in just about every other way,
“I can't bear to be yelled at—I will and I have the advantages of a de-
turn and run, but a man who speaks cent build, a decent face, feminine
softly, no matter what he is saying to fashion sense, pretty hair, domestic
me, will always hold my attention. I skills, what I hope is a pleasant de-
may not obey!! (grin) But I will lis- meanor and realistic expectations.
ten!” - Sassy And it’s still a huge struggle. I can’t
“I’m a size 14—maybe a 16 in an even imagine what it’s like for
unforgiving brand. Not enormous, some.” - Scoot
but certainly a far cry from my ideal “Giving up autonomy [...] is easy
weight. There is no shortage what- when it is only for the duration of a
soever of sexual interest from men – scene with a play partner, but much
some of whom are way, way above more difficult when it is a life- or
my level. Very handsome, charming lifestyle-altering component of a
men will line up around the block to

49
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
long-term, committed relationship.” why put time into my appearance
—SexProf when he never looks anyway.”
“Dominance and submission are “The healthiest diet for a woman is
vacuous entities when considered as to feed off her husband's compli-
properties of individuals. They are ments. When told by the man she
emergent properties of relationships. loves that she is beautiful, a woman
A lone Dominant or submissive is is given the incentive to live up to
like the sound of one hand clapping. the compliment. Silence and indif-
If you listen very carefully, you ference, however, bloat her up and
might hear a faint rush of air. But, make her fat.
add another hand, and the sound “If your wife has grown too wide,
can become as clarion and welcome encourage her to trim down—not by
as that of the shofar signaling the telling her she's fat, but by telling
close of Yom Kippur.”—SexProf her she's gorgeous. Her feeling that
“[A]t the heart of marriage lies the you watch her beauty will inspire
necessity to be emotionally warm her to watch her weight. [...] There is
and giving.”—Shaya Ostrov: Break- a direct correlation between a hus-
ing the endless cycle, in Jewish Ac- band's attention to his wife, and a
tion, the magazine of the Orthodox wife's attention to her looks.
Union “The next time you notice your
“When wives put on a lot of wife has added a couple of pounds,
weight, it is almost always the fault perhaps it is you, rather than she,
of an inattentive or distracted hus- who should be looking in the mir-
band. When their looks no longer ror.” - Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Are
mean anything to them, it's because husbands to blame for their wives
they're married to someone who becoming fat?
they don't think would notice any- “Marriages should be based not on
way. trust, but on tension. Not on routine,
“Women love being attractive. [...] but on raging emotion. Not on re-
What woman doesn't want to be spect, but on jealousy. Not on confi-
regarded as beautiful? How much dence, but suspicion.
more so a married woman who rev- “Sounds crazy, right? But think of
els in her husband's attention. And it this way: When you trust that
when a wife suddenly starts grow- your spouse will never be erotically
ing a beard and doesn't go to a beau- attracted to a stranger and will never
tician, or puts on an extra load and be unfaithful, you start taking him
doesn't run to the dietician, she is or her for granted. Isn't this really
behaving unnaturally and we have the number-one killer of marriage?
to ask why. Isn't growing bored and ‘falling out
“The blame lies with her husband of love’ the most lethal of all marital
who long ago stopped noticing her illnesses? Won't a relationship be
when she did get dressed up, so she doomed if a couple is complacent
concludes: “Why bother? With all and smug to the point of not having
the responsibilities I have with the to work at it anymore?” - Rabbi
kids, my job and running the home,
50
 QUOTATIONS
Shmuley Boteach: Kosher Adultery, from the distraction of other wom-
page 9 en—is holy and has God's blessing.
“If husbands and wives were more “Rabbinic legend relates that Mo-
anxious about retaining each other's ses initially refused the donation of
faithfulness, were far more focused the Israelite women's mirrors, to be
on the strangers that are attracted to used as copper for the priest's wash-
their spouses, and confessed to each ing basin in the Tabernacle, because
other the petty attractions they har- their purpose was to increase mari-
bor toward strangers, they would tal lust.
become far more desirable to each “But God scolded Moses for his re-
other, and they would start to woo luctance, telling him that such prud-
each other all over again.” - Rabbi ery was misguided. The mirrors
Shmuley Boteach: Kosher Adultery, were particularly dear to Him since
page 13 they strengthened the attachment
“[S]ex is the single most important between man and wife. Stated dif-
means of keeping a man and a ferently, God is in love with hus-
woman happily under the same roof bands who are in love with their
together for a lifetime. ... [C]ouples wives.
who have healthy love lives also “While the analogy is not perfect,
have healthy marriages.” - Rabbi why can't the same be said of other
Shmuley Boteach: Kosher Sex, p. 9 enhancements that bring fire into the
“[A]scetic thinkers are right where marital bedroom? If a husband and
they emphasize modesty. ... wife want to use handcuffs to light
[W]ithout modesty there can be no their fire, who cares?” - Rabbi
intimacy. When sex is too public— Shmuley Boteach: Lust Is Jewish
when it is broadcast to the world—it “Judaism offers an ingenious for-
is then no longer about two people mula for enjoying the pleasures of
sharing something special and ex- Eros within a religious framework.
clusive.” - Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: [...] For 12 days out of every
Kosher Sex, p. 52 month—the five days of menstrua-
“Under Jewish law a wife's con- tion and seven days thereafter—a
tentment is the key to sexual harmo- man's wife becomes forbidden to
ny, as sex is the most central element him. Not only may he not have sex
of marriage.” - Rabbi Shmuley with her, he may not even touch her
Boteach: Kosher Sex, p. 69 or share her bed. Suddenly, from the
“Total sexual focus on our spouse confines of the routine and the pre-
is the ultimate form of holy sex.” - dictable emerges the sinful and the
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Kosher Sex, erotic. And because he may not con-
p. 81 summate his lust, he learns to hun-
“Religious people have to get be- ger for her.
yond the lie that sex in marriage is “Eroticism is further injected into
dirty and start embracing the idea the life of a relationship through the
that anything that increases a hus- Jewish concept of modest dress, the
band's lust for his wife—making her main purpose of which in marriage
feel beautiful and pulling him away is to enhance the erotic quality of the
51
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
human body and impose “erotic Boteach: Dating Secrets of the Ten
barriers” that must be overcome in Commandments, p. 33
order to obtain the object of desire. It “A soul mate ...brings you only
is specifically in the resistance creat- one thing. But it is the most vital
ed by those erotic obstacles and bar- thing of all—namely, an end to your
riers that passion is to be found. loneliness and a feeling that you are
“Judaism, with its extensive laws, the most special person in the entire
introduces the concept of the forbid- world.” - Rabbi Shmuley Boteach:
den into endless areas of life, even Dating Secrets of the Ten Command-
mundane acts like eating a meal. [...] ments, p. 18
“Eroticism transforms life from a “A man shall leave his father and
destination into a journey, from a his mother—according to the biblical
passage into an adventure.” - Rabbi command—and shall cleave unto his
Shmuley Boteach: The Bible's erotic wife.... The greatest intensity of sen-
book sual passion will bring with it the
“For a relationship to be truly suc- highest psychical vsaluation of the
cessful, a man must drink up a object—this being the normal over-
woman’s seven dimensions: her valuation of the sexual object on the
voice, her feel, her scent, her taste, part of a man.” - Sigmund Freud: On
her looks, her personality, and her The Universal Tendency To De-
soul. When we fire on only one cyl- basement In the Sphere of Love,
inder, the relationship is commensu- in Contributions to the Psychology of
rately diminished. Intimacy never Love II (1912), included in On Sexual-
ensues. We end up in a functional ity (page 250)
marriage that never achieves unity “[W]e cannot escape the conclu-
and oneness. And in a marriage that sion that the behavior in love of men
is so utterly unsatisfying, not only is in the civilized world today bears
the possibility of divorce greatly the stamp altogether of psychical
enhanced, but much more tragically, impotence. There are only a very
the men never end up feeling like few educated people in whom the
men, and the women don’t feel like two currents of affection and sensu-
women.” - Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: ality have become properly fused;
Why Can’t They Fall in Love the man almost always feels his re-
“One of the ways you can identify spect for the woman acting as a re-
your soul mate is that they bring out striction on his sexual activity, and
the best in you. Your greatest attrib- only develops full potency when he
ute, whether it is being loving and is with a debased sexual object; and
compassionate, strong and discipli- this in its turn is partly caused by
narian, tenacity, intelligence, or emo- the entrance of perverse components
tion, your soul mate brings it out.” - into his sexual aims, which he does
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Dating Se- not venture to satisfy with a woman
crets of the Ten Commandments, p. 32 he respects. He is assured of com-
“[T]rue love consists of the choice plete sexual pleasure only when he
to give up choice.” - Rabbi Shmuley can devote himself unreservedly to
obtaining satisfaction, which with
52
 QUOTATIONS
his well-brought-up wife he does “The Professor of Gynaecology
not dare to do. This is the source of began his course of lectures as fol-
his need for a debased sexual object, lows: Gentlemen, woman is an ani-
a woman who is ethically inferior, to mal that micurates once a day,
whom he need attribute no aesthetic defacates once a week, menstruates
scruples, who does not know him in once a month, parturates once a year
his other social relations and cannot and copulates whenever she has the
judge him in them. It is to such a opportunity.” - Somerset Maugham:
woman that he prefers to devote his A Writer's Notebook, 1949
sexual potency, even when the “You must remember that the two
whole of his affection belongs to a of us are born women and as such
woman of a higher kind. It is possi- do not fight with men; since we are
ble, too, that the tendency so often in the power of those who are
observed in men of the highest clas- stronger, we must obey these or-
ses of society to choose a woman of ders.” - Sophocles: Antigone
a lower class as a permanent mis- “He also said she was the Local
tress or even as a wife is nothing but Busybody, adding that he did not
a consequence of their need for a approve of people who interfered
debased sexual object, to whom, with other people's lives. Flora
psychologically, the possibility of heard this with delight. “Shall I be
complete satisfaction is linked.” - allowed to interfere with yours?”
Sigmund Freud: On The Universal she asked. Like all really strong-
Tendency To Debasement In the minded women, on whom every-
Sphere of Love, in Contributions to body else flops, she adored being
the Psychology of Love II (1912), in- bossed about. It was so restful.” -
cluded in On Sexuality (page 254) Stella Gibbons: Cold Comfort Farm
“The instincts of love are hard to “What I learned over time was that
educate... What civilization aims at my wife wanted me to be firm. She
makig out of them seems unattaina- needed me to take charge and be the
ble except at the price of head of the household... not as a
...pleasure...” - Sigmund Freud: On game or a role play, but for real.” -
The Universal Tendency To De- Stephen
basement In the Sphere of Love, “I have read that some men find
in Contributions to the Psychology of being dominant a burden. These
Love II (1912), included in On Sexual- men want to occasionally take a
ity (page 259) break from having to be the domi-
“Purity is the ability to contem- nant one. Does anyone think it is
plate defilement.” - Simone possible to take a break from who
Weil: Gravity and Grace you are? The only way I can see how
“People assumed I was a lot being dominant could be a burden is
stronger than I was because I had a if the man is in conflict with it, as I
big mouth and a shaved head. I act- was earlier in my own life. Having
ed tough to cover the vulnerability.” accepted that this is who I am, I am
- Sinéad O'Connor: in The Irish not burdened by it. In fact, my expe-
Times, 22 November, 1997 rience is the opposite. It is wonder-
53
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ful to be married to a woman who to be taken roughly, regularly and
cherishes (and needs) this part of be kept in hand and under control.”
who I am.” - Stephen - Sully, on Taken In Hand in a Wed,
“What ties these two experiences 09/05/2007—16:42 comment on a
together for my wife—being sexual- thread that is no longer on the site.
ly taken and being taken in hand—is “So long as women are powerless
that at some point she surrenders to relative to men, viewing a “yes” as a
it. And although at first she resists, sign of true consent is misguided...
in the end she surrenders to the will Many women who say yes... would
of the man who masters her.” - say no if they could... Women's si-
Stephen lence sometimes is the product not
“What I came to learn was that be- of passion and desire but of pressure
ing the head of the household was and fear.” - Susan Estrich: Real Rape
not so much about being like Father “Here, Camp taste draws on a
Knows Best, but rather a matter of mostly unacknowledged truth of
truly understanding how my domi- taste: the most refined form of sexu-
nance/ masculinity and her submis- al attractiveness (as well as the most
sion/ femininity worked together to refined form of sexual pleasure) con-
meet our individual needs.” - sists in going against the grain of
Stephen one's sex. What is most beautiful in
“It is possible that it is not only virile men is something feminine;
male emotions that engender rela- what is most beautiful in feminine
tionships among intellectuals in women is something masculine. ...
which the man is the more intelli- Allied to the Camp taste for the an-
gent; perhaps the woman intellectu- drogynous is something that seems
al, despite her claim to want a large quite different but isn't: a relish for
number of men to choose from, is the exaggeration of sexual character-
unlikely to select a man over whom istics and personality mannerisms.
she has intellectual dominance (and For obvious reasons, the best exam-
who will not, therefore, “take the ples that can be cited are movie
lead” in this crucial area). This stars. The corny flamboyant female-
thought occurred to me during a ness of Jayne Mansfield, Gina
discussion with a feminist who, after Lollobrigida, Jane Russell, Virginia
arguing that dominance was not Mayo; the exaggerated he-man-ness
relevant to her relationships, re- of Steve Reeves, Victor Mature. The
marked that she did not find mascu- great stylists of temperament and
line any man who was not more mannerism, like Bette Davis, Barbara
intelligent than she was.” - Steven Stanwyck, Tallulah Bankhead,
Goldberg: Why Men Rule: A Theory of Edwige Feuillière.” - Susan Son-
Male Dominance tag: Notes On “Camp”, Published in
“[Quoting Velvet Hammer:] “I say 1964.
soften her, sweeten her”. Yeuch...I “Starting tomorrow when you
have no desire whatsoever to be wake up, don't gossip. See what
softened or sweetened. I find this happens if you just give up making
whole idea quite nauseating. I want comments about anyone not present.
54
 QUOTATIONS
Listen carefully to the voice in your superior. According to Robert May-
mind as it is getting ready to make a hew, Rand ‘regarded the male, by
comment, and think to yourself nature of his anatomy, as the prime
"Why am I saying this?" Awareness mover in the act of sex.’
of intention is the best clue for “No rational man is attracted—on
knowing whether the remark you any meaningful level—to a woman
are about to make is Right Speech. Is he has little or no respect for. It
your intention wholesome, a desire means nothing to conquer some
to help? Or to show off? Or to deni- drunken spring break tramp, or
grate?” - Sylvia Boorstein: It's Easier even indulge in a mutual, anony-
Than You Think mous encounter performed just to
“Every woman adores a Fascist, ‘scratch an itch.’
“The boot in the face, the brute “To ‘conquer’ a woman,
“Brute heart of a brute like you.” - romatically and sexually, a man
Sylvia Plath, “Daddy”, 1963 must first be deserving of her. He
“The type of woman a hero is at- will not exclude her desires from his,
tracted to is one that embodies his because her fulfillment—in the
ideal of another person. Naturally, contect of a romantic partnership—
the man wants to conquer the object is reciprocated.” - Synthlord, on Ob-
of his desire, a woman he considers jectivism Online21
a ‘spiritual’ equal. It does not mean
that he is morally or intellectually

QUOTATIONS: T

“[The woman] is her husband's “A court upheld the “expressed

partner in danger, destined to share consent” standard in a case where a
with him and dare with him in both pair of petting teenagers went too
peace and in war.” - Tacitus: Ger- far, and the boy immediately ceased
mania his activity when the girl requested
“The most advanced thinkers that he stop.” - Tama Star: Eve's Re-
questioned whether a woman's con- venge, referring to this: “Any act of
sent was even a meaningful con- sexual penetration engaged in by the
cept” - Tama Star, in Eve's Revenge, defendant without the affirmative
referring to this: “So long as women and freely-given permission of the
are powerless relative to men, view- victim to the specific act of penetra-
ing a ‘yes’ as a sign of true consent is tion [meets the definition of force
misguided... Many women who say required by law, and there was] no
yes... would say no if they could... burden on the alleged victim to have
Women's silence sometimes is the expressed non-consent or to have
product not of passion and desire denied permission.” New Jersey
but of pressure and fear.” - Susan Supreme Court, 1991, upholding a
Estrich: Real Rape rape conviction where no force was
used.

55
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“If that fear wasn't there, that abso- they're looking for nice guys, but
lute knowledge that I must do what they don't respect passive pussy
he asks—and that ultimately, there men. Women want their lovers to be
is no other option—it would lose killers.” - The Boyd Rice Experience
much—if not most—of what it does “Taken In Hand is not about total
for me, and he would not get the submission and self-immolation,
raw, naked, soul-bared, completely and it is not about the man and his
engaged and into him ME that I can wishes being more important than
be.” - Techiechic: What control the woman and hers, and it is cer-
means to me, Taken In Hand, Sat, tainly not about abdicating moral
28/10/2006 - 23:14 responsibility. It is not about replac-
“‘Stand before your god, bow be- ing two heads with one, or subsum-
fore your king, and kneel before ing one person into the other. It is
your man. Recipe for a happy life, not about mindless obedience or I
that is,’ said Nanny, to the world in was only obeying orders. Taken In
general.” - Terry Pratchett: Lords and Hand is a thoroughly mutual en-
Ladies deavour, for the benefit of both, in
“My choice to live in Taken in which both persons actively engage
Hand relationship may seem on the in the relationship and neither mind
surface to be unfeminist. We tried is superfluous.” - The Boss
living in marriage without a head of “Many women make the mistake
the household: we shared the power of thinking that because sexual dom-
equally. I was not happy; my hus- inance and service-orientated sub-
band was not happy. Now that my mission leave them cold, they have
husband is the head of the house- no desire to be dominated at all. Or
hold, we are happier than ever; we that they are mixed-up. Or that
feel more loving and more connect- when their heart races at the thought
ed. I know that the choice to be Tak- of being with a man who wears the
en in Hand is not for everyone, trousers, there is nothing sexual
maybe not even for most, but it def- about it. Actually, it is sexual. ...
initely is for me and I will not allow They respond sexually to non-sexual
my freedom to choose to be restrict- dominance but not to sexual domi-
ed by anyone, feminist or sexist. nance.” - The Boss
Feminism is not at odds with a Tak- “There is no magic formula for re-
en In Hand relationship in which the lationship success: we have to make
man is the head of the household: I our own magic, starting from where
know because I comfortably live we are as individuals, and jointly
with both.” - Tevemer creating a relationship we both val-
“Don't give her power. She doesn't ue.” - The Taken In Hand Owner
know how to handle it. Women ... and Creator
need to be tamed. Keep her chained “I felt owned before we had sex
down. Break the chain and watch and I think that was completely the
her walk all over you. And you de- right way round to do it for me.
serve it. Because you gave away With my previous partner I had sex
your power for free. Women say on the first date and it was just
56
 QUOTATIONS
cheap and nasty, whereas, waiting “‘I don't understand what people
for a man to take control of me and see in these books where the girls
take ownership of me made the crawl around naked all the time and
whole act when it finally happened kiss the men's feet. What's sexy
so much more passionate and in- about that? Shall we try it tomorrow
tense.” - ThisGirl and see if we can figure it out?’—
“Britons never will be slaves.” - more or less what has been said by
Thomas Augustine Arne: Rule Bri- Mrs. Thorney, over time.” - Thorney:
tannia (1740) soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, Sat,
“Traditionally, sex has been a very Dec 11, 2004 12:41 am
private, secretive activity. Herein “This [Taken In Hand] is BDSM,
perhaps lies its powerful force for 24-7, without a safeword.” - Tia
uniting people in a strong bond. As “You have to be quite a strong,
we make sex less secretive, we may forceful man to take a strong forceful
rob it of its power to hold men and woman like that, and I think I can.” -
women together.” - Thomas Tony Chambers—Wallpaper—at
Szasz: The Second Sin Gucci Fall 2010 Ready-to-Wear fash-
ion show22

QUOTATIONS: U

“Love is real and significant, not romantic nonsense, not a feminist

plot to enslave men.” - Um: Showing up, Sat, 25/08/2012 - 18:4123

QUOTATIONS: V

“Women have served all these centuries as looking-glasses pos-

sessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of
man at twice its natural size. Without that power probably the earth
would still be swamp and jungle ... How is he to go on giving
judgment, civilising natives, making laws, writing books, dressing
up and speechifying at banquests, unless he can see himself at
breakfast and at dinner at least twice the size he really is?” - Virgin-
ia Woolf: A Room of One's Own24

QUOTATIONS: W

“The art of pleasing consists in be- “Thy head, thy sovereign:

ing pleased.” - William Hazlitt, The “One that cares for thee,
Round Table, “On manner”, 1817 “And for thy maintenance.
“Thy husband is thy Lord, thy life, “Commits his body
thy keeper,

57
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“To painful labour, both by sea “Come, come, you forward and
and land: unable worms,
“To watch the night in storms, the “My mind hath bin as big as one of
day in cold, yours,
“Whilst thou liest warm at home, “My heart as great, my reason
secure and safe, happily more,
“And craves no other tribute at thy “To bandy word for word, and
hands, frown for frown;
“But love, faire looks, and true “But now I see our Lances are but
obedience; straws:
“Too little payment for so great a “Our strength as weak, our weak-
debt. ness past compare,
“Such duty as the subject owes the “That seeming to be most, which
Prince, we indeed least are.
“Even such a woman oweth to her “Then vale your stomachs, for it is
husband: no boot,
“And when she is frorward, peev- “And place your hands below
ish, sullen, sour, your husband's foot:
“And not obedient to his honest In token of which duty, if he
will, please,
“What is she but a foul contending “My hand is ready, may it do him
Rebel, ease.” - from The Taming of the
“And graceless Traitor to her lov- Shrew, by William Shakespeare
ing Lord? “All sex must stop before male su-
“I am ashamed that women are so premacy will be defeated: ... We
simple, know of no exception to male suprema-
“To offer war, where they should cist sex. ... We therefore name inter-
kneel for peace: course, penetration, and all other sex
“Or seek for rule, supremacy, and acts as integral parts of the male
sway, gender construction which is sex;
“When they are bound to serve, and we criticise them as oppressive
love, and obey. to women. We name orgasm as the
“Why are our bodies soft, and epistemological mark of the sexual,
weak, and smooth, and we therefore criticise it too as
“Unapt to toil and trouble in the oppressive to women. ... If it doesn't
world, subordinate women, it's not sex.” -
“But that our soft conditions, and Women Against Sex (A Southern
our hearts, Women's Writing Collective), “Sex
“Should well agree with our exter- resistance in heterosexual arrange-
nal parts? ments”, 198725

QUOTATIONS: X

Please send in quotes for this page!26

58
 QUOTATIONS

QUOTATIONS: Y

“The soul of a person is sensitive, honor due to a fellow human being...

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch writes It swindles him or her of ... the hon-
(in Horeb)—a delicate instrument or we owe to their unique selves—
designed to be the holder of the including those pesky little feelings
most sacred blessings of the human and sensitivities.” - Rabbi Yosef
being, of honor and serenity, respect Edelstein
and love, of every enjoyment that “The most beautiful clothes that
life can pride, of every worth-while can dress a woman are the arms of a
feeling of happiness (p. 257). The man she loves. But for those who
power of speech was given to us to haven't had the good fortune of find-
help nurture those supreme bless- ing happiness, I am there.” - Yves
ings, not to sow discord and bitter- Saint Laurant (quoted in the Editor's
ness. ... I think we can say that to Letter on page 41 of Town and
speak hurtfully to someone essen- Country magazine, September
tially defrauds him or her of the 2008)27

QUOTATIONS: Z

“I've learnt to greatly value the

concept of women who choose to be
subordinate in an intimate relation-
ship, as I feel it's the healthiest and
highest form of respect a woman can
offer a man. He in turn protects and
cherishes her feelings where possi-
ble, so I feel it's a very nice and har-
monious balance of yin and yang.
Allowing the masculine to lead al-
so snuffs out the destructive fight for
control in so many modern day rela-
tionships. I'm a very happy and con-
tent woman. :)” - Zandra
“A woman who has never been hit
by a man has never been loved.” -
Zsa Zsa Gabor, in Vanity Fair, De-
cember 198328

59
60
COLLECTED ARTICLES
2003-2004
 “WHAT IS A TAKEN IN HAND RELATION- and suffering while she dutifully
serves and obeys, and nor are they
SHIP?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
about the husband shouldering a
horrible burden he would much
A Taken In Hand relationship is a rather not have. That all sounds very
fully-committed wholeheart- unpleasant to us. Taken In Hand is
ed sexually-exclusive marriage in about using the power of a white-
which the husband wears the trou- hot sexual connection to create a
sers and is firmly and actively in rock-solid permanent marital bond.
charge (to his wife's delight!) — and It is intended to be fun and sexy, not
he puts his wife and their relation- a duty or a burden. If you don't find
ship first. Putting her and the rela- the idea of Taken In Hand exciting
tionship first is the key to creating a or at least strangely attractive, it is
marriage in which the man is in con- not for you.* Taken In Hand is not
trol in a good, healthy and sustaina- compulsory!29
ble way.
Taken In Hand is neither all about “WHY IS THE TAKEN IN HAND DYNAMIC SO
the man, as in some D/s relation- POWERFUL?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
ships in which the man has control,
nor is it all about the woman, as in
We've been married a long time.
some DD relationships—it is for
When I started taking my wife in
both. Neither spouse is a self-
hand, it was as if someone had ignit-
absorbed narcissist.
ed a sexual nuclear bomb under us.
The wives in Taken In Hand rela-
We are a million times more aroused
tionships tend not to claim to be
by each other than we have ever
submissive (though their husbands
been. Why is the Taken In Hand
may well consider them to be so) but
dynamic so powerful?
they do strongly prefer not to be the
For those drawn to this kind of re-
one in charge in their relationship,
lationship, a conventional equal rela-
and they do respect, honour and
tionship lacks something. It can be a
appreciate their husbands and strive
bit grey, a bit stale, unexciting. Tak-
to please them.
ing their relationship in a Taken In
The husbands in Taken In Hand
Hand direction brings vibrant colour
relationships tend not to claim to be
and excitement to their lives. They
dominant (though their wives may
connect at a deeper, more thrilling
well consider them to be so) but they
level. Sparks fly. Many report that
do strongly prefer to be the one
they now feel that they are express-
wearing the trousers in their mar-
riage, and they do enjoy dominating
and submitting their wife when nec- * [This is an answer to a frequently-
essary to maintain their position— asked question: this page is part of the
and indeed for the pure fun of it. FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
Taken In Hand relationships are is answering the question or discussing
not about the wife gritting her teeth the above post. The question is: What is a
Taken In Hand relationship?]
63
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ing a deep part of themselves to one before are no longer important. Her
another—a part that had previously husband's control is a form of en-
lain dormant. Before, it may have gagement, so if before she felt ig-
felt as though they were going nored or lonely, now she does not.
through the motions; now, they are She may be the least submissive
seeing each other and connecting woman you could ever meet, yet
with each other on many different now she suddenly feels an intense
levels including at a level closer to desire to please her husband. She
their sexual core. may have hated housework for 20
The husband in a Taken In Hand years and now suddenly she no
relationship feels more in control, longer finds it a burden and wants
more powerful, more manly even. to do it for her more tidy husband.
He is free to be the man that he has She may not have had that much
always wanted to be but may have interest in sex and now be thrilled
feared to be because we are all equal and ready for it any time her hus-
now. He has a means by which he band wants it. The whole thing is
can solve problems with his wife, highly erotic for her.
nip fights in the bud, avoid emo- The Taken In Hand dynamic is
tional overload, and enjoy a thrilling powerful to the extent that it is an
sex life with the one he loves the expression of the individuals' core
most. But most of all, he finds Taken personalities and sexualities. If their
In Hand highly erotic. That causes sexualities are not this way inclined,
him to focus his sexual attention Taken In Hand will do nothing for
more intensely on his wife. This them, but if they are, it does indeed
causes him to become more and prove a very powerful connector,
more attracted to his wife, and both sexually and otherwise.
makes his experience of sex with her Taken In Hand is (amongst other
even better than before. This makes things) a way of using the white hot
him feel good, and that makes him sexual connection to create a rock
even more delighted to be married solid bond between husband and
to his wife, and that leads to further wife. This makes it possible for the
positive changes in their interac- couple to solve a wide range of
tions. problems great and small that might
The wife in a Taken In Hand rela- otherwise not have been solved.
tionship feels intensely excited by And when problems are being
her husband's control. This tends to solved rather than piling up, that
make the couple's sex life even better leads to further good feeling in the
than before, and that makes them marriage, which makes it possible
both feel good, and feeling that in for the couple to focus on enjoying
turn has further positive effects on themselves together including sex-
their relationship more generally. ually.
The wife now has a way of win- Physiologically, in my view, the
ning even when she is ‘losing’. She reason sex is so powerful as a con-
finds that little issues that seemed duit by which to solve problems in a
important enough to fight about marriage is that it can channel stress
64
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
and limbic system reactivity in a women often feel powerful and
combination of both symathetic and free in a Taken In Hand relationship.
parasympathetic nervous system Being a downtrodden doormat
activity that is ultimately soothing yes-woman sounds miserable, as
and pleasurable.* When one's physi- though the woman is gritting her
ology is in this state one's thinking teeth and suffering in resentful si-
can be more rational than it would lence, love diminishing by the day, if
be were the limbic system reacting not long-gone.† By contrast, Taken In
wildly and sending out fight-or- Hand relationships tend to be excep-
flight emergency messages that are tionally happy, with both spouses
hard to ignore.30 striving energetically to better meet
the other's needs as their Taken In
“IS A TAKEN IN HAND WOMAN A DOWN- Hand relationship evolves.31
TRODDEN DOORMAT YES-WOMAN?” (22
SEPTEMBER 2003) “HOW CAN I DETERMINE WHETHER MY
NEW GIRLFRIEND MIGHT BE OPEN TO TAK-
No. Taken In Hand wives are not EN IN HAND?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
downtrodden: their husbands treat
them exceptionally well. Indeed, Don't pay too much attention to
Taken In Hand husbands put their what she says. We have all—male or
relationship and their wife first. female—been conditioned to make
Taken In Hand wives are not statements suggesting that we are
doormat yes-women either. They are into strict equality whether we are or
typically anything but that. Taken In not. Take no notice of such state-
Hand wives tend to be strong, com- ments. They mean nothing.
petent, accomplished, intelligent, Instead, pay attention to how she
high-dominance alpha women and reacts when you;
are not submissive (unless you deem
all those who prefer to live under  [Make] decisions rather than ask-
the firm control of their husband to ing her to do so.
be so). Taken In Hand wives do not  [Tell] her the plan rather than
asking her the plan.
diminish themselves, and indeed,
 [Seek] her input not deferentially
but more like a company director
* [This is an answer to a frequently- respectfully and kindly seeking
asked question: this page is part of the the input of a lowly employee—
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post i.e., it is your decision but that
is answering the question or discussing
the above post. The question is: We've
† [This is an answer to a frequently-
been married a long time. When I start-
ed taking my wife in hand, it was as if asked question: this page is part of the
someone had ignited a sexual nuclear FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
bomb under us. We are a million times is answering the question or discussing
more aroused by each other than we the above post. The question is: Is a Tak-
have ever been. Why is the Taken In en In Hand woman a downtrodden
Hand dynamic so powerful?] doormat yes-woman?]
65
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
does not mean you want to tram- and see what happens. Does it be-
ple all over the other person, and come more of an issue or less of an
the other person might have a issue? Does she find it more objec-
good idea you could use.
tionable over time or less? This is a
 [In] everything you do, quietly,
confidently, actively take the lead
good test not because women who
as opposed to asking or expecting want a Taken In Hand relationship
her to do so. are less likely to object in the first
 [Protect] her and act protectively, instance, but because it is a relatively
such a insisting that she cannot harmless issue on which to take a
walk home alone late at night, firm stand and see whether she
checking that she got home safely adapts to your firmness or gets more
after work, etc. and more angry about it.
 [Open] doors for her, help her put
In a rare case in which a given
on her coat, insist that she allow
you to buckle her seatbelt, insist chivalrous action seems to be deeply
that you walk on the traffic side of upsetting (as opposed to annoying
the pavement/sidewalk, and that or irritating) to a woman for some
when ascending stairs, she go first, reason, and she asks you if you
and when descending, you go would mind not doing x or y be-
first, order for her in restaurants cause it makes her feel sad, don't
(having asked her what she ride roughshod over her wish that
wants). Ignore her objections and
you not do it, and do explore with
calmly, quietly, institute these
chivalrous actions as friendly little her what the bad association is, or
unspoken rules. Do not call them why it makes her feel sad. But such a
rules, but in your own mind insti- case should be rare.
tute them as rules that you firmly Watch her actions and how she
but quietly enforce with a smile. adapts to all these things. Even Tak-
en In Hand women will object to
Do not do these things hesitantly, being protected and so on. But Tak-
or deferentially, or as though you en In Hand women might not be
are desperate to please her: do them able to hide a little smile as they
because you, as a man, want to wear object, and they will soon stop ob-
the trousers in your (potential) rela- jecting and accept your firmness.
tionship, and this is a harmless way Watch their actions, ignore their
to take charge from the start. words. Is there a sparkle in her eye
Most women, when you start do- as she objects? Then her objections
ing this, will object. Some will object are just words.
a lot. Do their objections continue, or Keep reminding yourself that just
do they stop objecting at some as you have been conditioned to
point? Is there any hint of a smile on pretend to be a man into equal rela-
their face when they object or are tionships, so the women you meet
they looking daggers at you? A have also been conditioned to de-
woman who wants a Taken In lude themselves that they want an
Hand relationship may well object equal relationship. Don't write your
just like other women, so you have
to institute this on an on-going basis
66
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
girlfriend off too soon.* Give her However you raise the idea, do be
time to feel safe enough to throw off aware that just as women have been
her socially acceptable mask. Watch conditioned to pretend that they
what she does, not what she says.32 want an equal relationship, so men
have been conditioned to pretend
“HOW CAN I DETERMINE WHETHER MY that they would never want to be in
NEW MAN MIGHT BE OPEN TO TAKEN IN charge. Expect a negative reaction
when you first mention it. But as
HAND?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003) time goes on, watch what he does,
not just what he says. Once he real-
Ask him.
ises that you are serious, he may
Or tell him that in a relationship,
well begin to engage with the idea
you need the man to wear the trou-
and like it. Do give him time to pro-
sers, and see how he reacts. Or find
cess the idea.
a light, non-interrogatory way to ask
Does your new man generally
him whether in a relationship he
seem manly to you? Is he a man's
would find it (a) preferable to be in
man? Does he enjoy fixing things?
charge, or (b) a burden. On no ac-
Does he enjoy manly pursuits? Does
count quiz him, interview him, or
he pursue you, or does he expect
make him feel tested. That will be
you to do the pursuing? Does he
particularly off-putting to a man
initiate, or is he more comfortable
who prefers to be in charge.
when you initiate? If he is not well-
Instead, pay attention to every-
off, does he prefer to plan free or
thing he says and does and raise the
cheap dates rather than allowing
idea or some part of the idea when-
you to pay?
ever it is natural to do so. For exam-
Receive graciously. Whenever he
ple, if he takes charge in some way,
makes and chivalrous gesture, or
whether of you or in a situation,
does anything for you, or seems
express your appreciation and show
protective of you, or bossy with you,
very clearly that you love what he
smile warmly and thank him very
said or did. If he seems not to under-
much. Let him see your eyes shining
stand why, explain that he took
charge, and that that feels with appreciation and feel your grat-
very manly to you, and that you find itude.
If he keeps asking you what you
that exciting. If appropriate in the
want to do instead of making a plan
particular situation, tell him you
himself, and that is making you feel
admire him or his ability to take
like the man in the relationship, ask
charge.
him very gently and kindly and
above all respectfully whether he
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
would consider planning your dates
asked question: this page is part of the
rather than asking you. Then, when
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
he takes you to a sports event or a
is answering the question or discussing
the above post. The question is: How can horror film or something else that
I determine whether my new girlfriend you hate, instead of sulking and
might be open to Taken In Hand?] complaining, find a way to enjoy it,
67
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
and thank him very much for having “HOW DO I FIND A WOMAN WHO WILL
invited you. If nothing else, enjoy
WANT A TAKEN IN HAND RELATIONSHIP?”
focusing all your attention on your
man and enjoying his own enthusi- (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
asm for whatever it is.
Never ever say anything negative They are everywhere. You can find
or ungracious about any date them all around you in your daily
planned by him. Always find some- life, as well as online. Do not make
thing wonderful about it to thank the mistake of thinking that few
him for. Play the Pollyanna Glad women would want this. Many if
game. The game consists of finding not most women you will find at-
something to be glad about in every tractive in person will, if single, be
situation. So if you hate horror films attracted to you if you take charge
and he takes you to one, spend the while putting her first.
whole film wrapped in his big Wherever you meet a woman, if
strong manly arms and be glad of you want a Taken In Hand relation-
the opportunity to be in his arms. ship, no matter how shy you are,
If you hate sports, be glad of the pursue her. Do not pursue so in-
opportunity to try something new. tensely that you seem desperate or
Be glad of the opportunity to do lots creepy, but do pursue her actively
of people-watching. Be glad of the and confidently.
opportunity to learn something new If you don't feel confident, act "as
(such as the rules of the game) from if…" you do, and you will gain con-
your man. Be glad your man is fidence. Spend time out and about in
proud of you and wants to take you your community meeting people
with him to events he enjoys. Smile and talking to them instead of just
and be open to the possibility that looking online. This will further in-
you might actually enjoy the event crease your confidence.
after all.* Yes, this takes more courage and
If you see a woman speaking dis- time and effort, but it makes it more
respectfully to her husband, tell likely that the woman you meet will
your man that you consider that (1) live locally, which is important,
appalling, and let him know that and (2), be attractive to you in real
you think men should be treated life, which is very important for a
with respect.33 Taken In Hand relationship.
When talking to women you meet
out and about in your community,
keep in mind that women can feel
scared by men who are strangers
* [This is an answer to a frequently- talking to them, and at least initially,
asked question: this page is part of the either keep some physical distance
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post between the two of you, or better
is answering the question or discussing still only approach in daylight hours
the above post. The question is: How can when there are lots of people around
I determine whether my new man
might be open to Taken In Hand?]
68
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
so that she won't fear that you are ship, that will destroy any interest in
going to physically assault her. you she might have had.
Try to imagine meeting someone When you find a woman you
you fear might be intending to phys- want, don't pay too much attention
ically assault you (a massive man to what she says. We have all—male
with a super-tough streetfighter look or female—been conditioned to
in a dark alley?), and think about make statements suggesting that we
what would tell you, in that interac- are into strict equality whether we
tion, that the other person was not are or not. Take no notice of such
actually intending to assault you. statements. They mean nothing.
Use such insights when you meet Instead, pay attention to how she
women in your community. reacts when you;
For example, if the tough
streetfighter guy looked very laid  [Make] decisions rather than ask-
back and happy and as though he ing her to do so.
 [Tell] her the plan rather than
was having fun rather than fixing
asking her the plan.
you in his intense gaze, that might
 [Seek] her input not deferentially
help, might it not? If he didn't in- but more like a company director
vade your space but talked to you respectfully and kindly seeking
from where he was, that might help. the input of a lowly employee—
Or if you happened to be standing i.e., it is your decision but that
next to each other or walking in the does not mean you want to tram-
same direction each for your own ple all over the other person, and
reasons, that might help. If he start- the other person might have a
good idea you could use when
ed talking to you but in a light way
you yourself make the decision.
that was entertaining and did not  [In] everything you do, quietly,
require anything of you by way of confidently, actively take the lead
response, that might help, might it as opposed to asking or expecting
not? her to do so.
If you are not a natural at this,  [Protect] her and act protectively,
there are some good insights about such a insisting that she cannot
how not to scare woman in walk home alone late at night, etc.
game/PUA material about how to  [Open] doors for her, help her put
on her coat, insist that she allow
approach women you meet when
you to buckle her seatbelt, insist
out and about in your community. that you walk on the traffic side of
NLP material is also very useful. the pavement/sidewalk, and that
Never give a woman your card when ascending stairs, she go first,
(unless she gives you hers); always and when descending, you go
be the one to take her card and call first, order for her in restaurants
her. Never try to get a woman to (having asked her what she
pursue you—that would be to make wants). Ignore her objections and
calmly, quietly, institute these
her the man and you the girl in any
chivalrous actions as friendly little
potential relationship. If the woman unspoken rules. Do not call them
does want a Taken In Hand relation- rules, but in your own mind insti-

69
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
tute them as rules that you firmly that you think it will be fine to be
but quietly enforce with a smile. firm about, that will generate a
completely unexpected response
Do not do these things hesitantly, such as terrible sadness in response
or deferentially, or as though you to what seems like fun, nice chivalry
are desperate to please her: do them and not at all something that would
because you, as a man, want to wear be a problem for anyone. If some-
the trousers in your (potential) rela- thing like this happens, find out
tionship, and this is a harmless way what the bad association is, or why
to take charge from the start. it makes her feel sad, and be sensi-
Most women, when you start do- tive to her wishes, obviously. But
ing this, will object. Some will object such a case should be rare.
a lot. Do their objections continue, or Watch her actions and how she
do they stop objecting at some adapts to all these things. Even Tak-
point? Is there any hint of a smile on en In Hand women will initially
their face when they object or are object to being protected and so on.
they looking daggers at you? A But Taken In Hand women might
woman who wants a Taken In Hand not be able to hide a little smile as
relationship may well object just like they object, and they will soon stop
other women, so you have to insti- objecting and accept your firmness
tute this on an on-going basis and and love it. Watch their actions, ig-
see what happens. Does it become nore their words. Is there a sparkle
more of an issue or less of an issue? in her eye as she objects? Then her
Does she find it more objectionable objections are just words she thinks
over time or less? This is a good she has to say.
test not because women who want a Keep reminding yourself that just
Taken In Hand relationship are less as you have been conditioned to
likely to object in the first instance, pretend to be a man into equal rela-
but because it is a relatively harm- tionships, so the women you meet
less issue on which to take a firm have also been conditioned to de-
stand and see whether she adapts to lude themselves that they want an
your firmness or gets more and equal relationship. Don't write a
more angry about it. woman off too soon. Give her time
In a rare case in which a given to feel safe enough to throw off her
chivalrous action seems to be deeply socially acceptable mask. Watch
upsetting (as opposed to annoying what she does, not what she says.
or irritating) to a woman for some You do not need to ask a woman if
reason, and she asks you if you she wants a Taken In
would mind not doing x or y be- Hand relationship, and in fact I
cause it makes her feel sad, don't would not do that. To talk about it
ride roughshod over her wish that can make you seem weak, or as
you not do it—being in charge while though you are asking something of
putting her first assuming that you her, but you are not asking anything
will not be insensitive. One size does
not fit all. There will be rare issues
70
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
of her, so there is no need to raise relationship that will be a full offline
the matter with her.* I would simply relationship, look offline, not
take charge while putting her first, online.†
and see how she adapts to that.34 Avoid spending lots of time at
home. Go walking in your commu-
“HOW DO I FIND A TAKE-CHARGE MAN nity in daylight hours. Dramatically
increase the amount of time you
WHO WILL WANT A TAKEN IN HAND RELA-
spend out in your community. Ex-
TIONSHIP?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003) plore it thoroughly. And when you
are out and about in your communi-
First, forget the idea of finding ty, start noticing people. Smile at
someone online. You are much more people. Talk to people. And don't be
likely to find someone in your eve- in a hurry to end conversations
ryday offline life than online. In- started by strangers. Try to find
stead of spending time looking something interesting in every per-
online, spend that time getting out son you meet, whether an attractive
into your community and meeting man or a little old lady—everyone.
men in person. The man for you Explore people instead of ignoring
needs to be attracted to you, includ- people. Once you start looking for
ing physically in person, not just to what is interesting about people,
your online presence. If you do meet you will start finding interest even
someone online, arrange a meeting in individuals you might once have
in a safe public place before you give written off instantly as uninterest-
much information about yourself ing. Make a point of looking for at
and before you become emotionally least five good things about every
attached. Too many spend too much man you meet. Find out what each
time building a mental relationship man is passionate about or interest-
with someone online, only to dis- ed in. Whenever a man's eyes light
cover, when they meet, that the oth- up, or he becomes more animated,
er person smells bad or has some or he smiles, ask more about what-
other repulsive characteristic that ever he has just said. It doesn't mat-
somehow failed to be conveyed in ter if you have no interest in what-
their text chats and even video chats. ever interests him. It is still very
Meet very early to avoid wasting interesting to hear about others' in-
everyone's time. Many people play terests. You could learn something.
online with no intention of develop- You will also see more of the person
ing anything offline. If you want a if you explore what interests him.
Stop writing people off as unsuita-
ble before you've even given them a
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
chance. Men who want a Taken In
asked question: this page is part of the
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
is answering the question or discussing † [UPDATE: If you do decide to put up

the above post. The question is: How do I a dating profile on an online site, before
find a woman who will want a Taken In you do that, read this post, this post,
Hand relationship?] and this entire page. Really. Read it.]
71
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Hand relationship do not display a man, for goodness sake choose
any obvious dominant characteris- someone good and kind rather than
tics, so it is no good looking for such someone more obviously dominant.
characteristics. Think about it: do Open your mind and heart to a wid-
you yourself display any obvious er range of men. You may be sur-
signs that you want a Taken In prised by how interesting and intel-
Hand relationship? Of course not! So ligent many men in lowly jobs are if
don't expect men you meet to dis- you get to know them.
play obvious signs either. Some men But he's shy! How could he possi-
even appear hopelessly shy and ten- bly be a take-charge man? Easily!
tative and yet they yearn to be the You may say that having the inclina-
one wearing the trousers and firmly tion to be in charge doesn't neces-
in charge in a happy marriage with a sarily equate with knowing how, but
lovely woman. If you concentrate on in a fully committed marriage with a
the overt form, you will miss the beloved spouse who would wel-
substance, and it is in the substance come her husband's control over her,
that you will find what you are look- many a shy man with the inclina-
ing for, not the form. Don't let the tion learns. And in a fully committed
form mislead you. marriage, you will care enough to
Instead of writing off that shy man help him learn. Far better to find a
stacking shelves at the supermarket good, honest, kind, loving man who
who always smiles at you and asks if is willing and able to learn to take
you need help finding anything, charge, than a so-called ‘dominant’
smile back at him and give him a man who is too narcissistic and un-
chance to engage you in a conversa- loving ever to be in a good marriage,
tion. let alone a Taken In Hand one.
But he's just a shelf stacker, and If a man calls himself “dominant”,
you are a lawyer—it would never or worse, “a dominant”, or if he is
work! He might be just a shelf stack- involved in the BDSM community,
er, or he might be the manager, or he be aware that he is unlikely to be
might be a student who is working what you are looking for if you want
his way through college trying to a Taken In Hand relationship. In a
finish his PhD. Or perhaps he is a Taken In Hand relationship, the
fascinating entrepreneur whose husband loves his wife and puts his
business has been wiped out in the wife and their relationship first to bal-
recession, but who is picking himself ance his power over her. He strives
up and starting again from nothing. to be the strong leader, to protect
Stop making assumptions. And even and support his family. He feels
if he is just a shelf stacker, so what? good, and indeed sexually excited,
There's a lot to be said for a man by being the one who wears the
willing to work even in a job that trousers, and by his wife's delight in
might be boring. He might be far his control of her. By contrast, many
more dependable and kind than men who call themselves “domi-
your fellow hotshot lawyer. And if nant” have no desire to take care of a
you want to live under the control of wife and family, and if anything put
72
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
themselves first and are more turned want the man in their life to be in
on by the idea of using and abusing charge, including women who seem
multiple women who serve their particularly take-charge themselves.
every whim, than by being the man Get to know men well. Give them a
in charge in a Taken In Hand mar- chance! Plenty of men on this site
riage. were shocked and aghast when they
Moreover, even looking for a man first heard that some women want to
who seems to be very much in be taken and kept in hand by a man.
charge at work is not foolproof. Some of them took many, many
Some such men—just like many months to process the information in
women reading this site who are the privacy of their own minds, be-
super-in-charge authority figures at fore finding their power and thrill as
work—in no way want to be in con- a man in control and fully embrac-
trol at home. ing the Taken In Hand idea. Many
So if you want to find a man, start men here who have initially been
by opening your eyes and heart to a shocked by the idea talk about their
much, much wider range of men desire to be in charge having been
than you have been focusing on. totally buried until they heard about
Stop writing people off because they Taken In Hand.
don't display any obvious sign of In addition to opening your heart
dominance in the first few dates. Pay to men and finding interest and
more attention to finding out good things in everyone you meet,
whether he is a good person and less also think about what you yourself
attention to whether he is dominant. have to offer a man who might want
Don't even write off men who ini- you. How will you add to your
tially state very firmly that they are man's life? How will you make his
not the type to control a woman, or life easier and more pleasurable?
who make other statements to the What is it about you that will make
effect that they disapprove of une- him love being with you and think
qual relationships. Really! Don't! that you are the best thing that has
Have you yourself never made any ever happened to him—and still
statement that might suggest that think that in 40 years' time? Looking
you would not want to live under good and staying fit and slim and
the control of a man? Men make attractive are very important but not
these kinds of statements because enough. Come up with a list of con-
they are good men who would not crete ways in which you will add to
want to control a woman who a man's life rather than being a
would not like that. They are not headache for him. If you can think of
thugs, in other words. That's a good ways in which you might detract
thing, not a bad thing! They may from his life or cause him trouble,
never have met a woman who work on correcting those faults. Be-
knows that she wants a Taken In ing high maintenance is not an at-
Hand relationship. It may take a bit tractive quality. Work on making
of time and thought for them to real- yourself a woman a man will be able
ise that some women actually do to look at in 40 years' time and say I
73
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
am so glad I married you. I am the luck- men you have only just met, and
iest man alive. What man has such a before you know it your weekly
wife? dinners will be where all your
Unless you are the kind of woman friends old and new want to be eve-
for whom sex is no big deal and ry week, and where they want to
doesn't change anything—one for bring interesting people. The key is
whom sex does not make you feel to make it a regular event.
bonded, or bad if the man loses in- To make it more likely that you
terest after having sex with you—get will keep doing this, consider mak-
to know a man very well before be- ing these soirees casual potlucks, in
coming sexually intimate with him. which your guests each bring a dish
See him in a wide range of situations and/or a bottle, as opposed to you
and with his family and friends. getting stressed out spending too
Consider waiting until you are en- much time and money preparing
gaged to have sex. It may be old- gourmet feasts. Potlucks or other
fashioned, but many women find casual meals also make it easier to
that it is only when they stop having accommodate unexpected guests,
casual sex that they start meeting making it possible to invite people at
men who are looking for a wife. the last minute, and to issue open
Here is one idea that will increase invitations for any future Friday
the chance that you will meet some- night soiree (though in practice in-
one, and help you get to know men viting someone to a particular event
without the pressure of a dating is more likely to be successful than
situation: issuing a vague open invitation).
Consider having a regular dinner The point is the company rather
party at your home every week, in- than the food and drink.
viting both male and female friends Do you have any ideas for how to
and anyone you meet who seems find a man suitable for a Taken In
interesting. If you make it a regular Hand relationship?* If so, please add
event, such as every Friday night, your ideas in the comments below.35
you will get into the habit of inviting
people, and you can ask your friends “HOW DO WE GET STARTED?” (22
to bring an interesting person you
SEPTEMBER 2003)
haven't met. You will thereby in-
crease your circle of friends and start Start slowly. If you take things too
meeting more men in a relaxed set- fast, you can run into trouble. So
ting in which you can get to know start slowly. How you start really
them without the pressure of a date.
You may think you don't have
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
enough friends to even start doing
this, but once you start, you will asked question: this page is part of the
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
naturally become more open to talk-
is answering the question or discussing
ing to strangers, and this will be the above post. The question is: How do I
more likely to lead to you issuing find a take-charge man who will want a
invitations to your soirees, even to Taken In Hand relationship?]
74
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
depends on who you are as individ- loving. Do not sulk, get angry, or
uals. What will work for one couple deny your wife attention or affec-
will not work for another. Expect tion. Those are sure ways of going
there to be problems and missteps from a quite nice conventional rela-
and backward steps along the way. tionship to a really unpleasant, un-
Keep your sense of humour, and happy conventional relationship. In
avoid endless analysis: sometimes a Taken In Hand relationship, the
what is called for is more action and man's control is for the delight of
less analysis. both husband and wife. He puts his
The husband could start by taking wife and their relationship first. Keep
charge in small ways, especially in that in mind at all times. Be the best
ways that clearly help his wife. person you can be, and the best hus-
If there is anything your wife does band you can be.
or doesn't do that you find concern- As you experiment with taking
ing, and that is not something so control, notice the effect of your ac-
close to your wife's heart that it tions, and make modifications if
might hurt or harm her to change, things start going awry.
you could choose that issue on If you are the wife in the above
which to take a stand, but do be very couple, I strongly advise you on no
careful not to try to change some- account to criticise your husband's
thing central to your wife's being, or attempts to take charge. Try to view
something that is a touchy subject everything positively, even when it
with your wife. For example, I doesn't immediately strike you as
would avoid like the plague trying positive. Remember that this process
to get your wife to lose weight (a of your husband taking charge is not
very sensitive subject for many) and easy, and he will make mistakes, but
I would never try to get your wife to he is doing this for you, to please
give up a hobby she loves. But if you, not just for himself, so give him
your wife keeps moving your news- the benefit of the doubt and strive
paper, or if she contradicts you in not to shame him.
public in a way that makes you feel Also, resist the temptation to talk
humiliated, those might be more endlessly about Taken In Hand and
appropriate issues on which to take your path to a Taken In Hand rela-
a stand. tionship. This can make a man feel
When you take a stand, remember that his every move is being
that this is not an unpleasant fight, watched and judged, and judged
and your wife is not your enemy. insufficient at that. That won't help.
Remember that what you are aiming If there is anything very important
for is for this to be fun and sexy for you need him to change, try to wait
your wife, not unpleasant. three days before you say anything,
On an on-going basis try to in- because sometimes, things that seem
crease the amount of appreciation important now won't seem to matter
you express for your wife, so that at all in three days' time. When you
she is able to interpret your stands do say something, take great care to
positively. Remain calm, kind and express your wish in a way that
75
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
makes your husband feel good ra- did not have consent to ‘discipline’
ther than bad.* Otherwise he may be or ‘punish’ the woman.
unable to hear your wish.36 Where ‘discipline’ or ‘punish-
ment’ is a feature of a particular
“IS TAKEN IN HAND ABOUT DISCIPLINE?” Taken In Hand relationship, it adds
(22 SEPTEMBER 2003) to the relationship as opposed to
being the focus of the relationship. It
No. Taken In Hand is about using is just one way some husbands keep
the thrill of the husband firmly their wife in hand.
wearing the trousers in the relation- As explained more fully … Taken
ship, to keep the marriage delectably In Hand life is not an endless round
hot, sexy, joyful, happy and interest- of bad behaviour and punishment or
ing for both spouses. That is what rules and consequences, even in
Taken In Hand is about. cases where ‘discipline’ or ‘punish-
In many or perhaps most Taken In ment’ is a part of the relationship.
Hand relationships, there is no phys- The Taken In Hand woman is an
ical ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ adult and perfectly capable of func-
(such as spanking) at all. Many Tak- tioning as such. She does not need to
en In Hand folk have no interest in be held accountable to get her to
‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ at all, behave like a half-decent human
and complain whenever anyone being. Nor does she need to be end-
posts anything on this site about lessly disciplined by a long-suffering
‘domestic discipline’. man. We all make mistakes and do
In some Taken In Hand relation- the wrong thing sometimes, but the
ships, ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ same is just as true of men as it is of
does play a part in the relationship, women.
but it is not the focus of the relation- The reason some Taken In Hand
ship. The relationship is not about couples employ discipline or pun-
‘discipline’/‘puni-shment’. ishment is not that the woman is a
Some Taken In Hand inclined lesser person than the man and
husbands abhor discipline and re- needs her behaviour corrected in a
gard any man who would hit a way that could not equally apply to
woman (including OTK) as beneath the man. Nor is it that the man
contempt. Others would not counte- wants an unhealthy wish to criticise
nance a relationship in which they and punish her legitimised. He is
more likely to feel protective of her!
The main reason is that the two in-
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
dividuals connect erotically very
asked question: this page is part of the powerfully through the control that
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post is being wielded. There are so many
is answering the question or discussing
other ways of remaining firmly in
the above post. The question is: We want
to change our relationship from an or-
charge, though, and when you make
dinary conventional marriage to a Tak- discipline the focus of your relation-
en In Hand one. How do we get start- ship, you tend to forget about other
ed?]
76
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ways of maintaining control, some out question and lives only to please
of which can be quite delectable. would get old fast. He prefers life
If you are that way inclined, disci- with his delightfully spirited woman
pline (in moderation) can be ex- and would hate her to diminish or
traordinarily erotic, and extraordi- lose herself, because he loves her the
narily intimate. If you get into an way she is, and finds her interesting.
endless round of bad behaviour and In much of the D/s world, many
punishment, and that works for you, who think of themselves as domi-
great; but for most people, that nant have a strong preference to be
would be destructive rather than served and obeyed without ques-
constructive. For many non-spankos, tion, and have no interest
that would become a real drag, or in dominating and submitting a wom-
feel like a game, or be just plain ex- an. Many such men prefer to have
hausting.* multiple women serving and obey-
In summary, no, Taken In Hand is ing them. Such men would never
not about discipline, but some Taken want a Taken In Hand woman, and
In Hand folk do very much enjoy the nor would a Taken In Hand woman
thrill of discipline.37 ever want such a man. Their prefer-
ences are too different.
“IS TAKEN IN HAND ABOUT DOMINANCE Taken In Hand wives tend not to
AND SUBMISSION?” (22 SEPTEMBER call themselves ‘submissive’. They
do serve their husband, just as he
2003) serves them, and they do respect,
honour and appreciate their hus-
No. Most Taken In Hand couples
band and try to please him—they
do not identify with those labels. In
are definitely not domineering
fact, many find those labels positive-
misandrist shrews—but they do not
ly off-putting.
have the deep need to serve that many
While it is true that in the Taken In
in the D/s world consider to be the
Hand relationship the husband ac-
essence of submissiveness.
tively dominates and submits his be-
In many parts of the D/s world, it
loved wife, he is more likely to think
is frowned upon for the ‘submissive’
of himself as being the man of the
partner not to serve and obey with-
house, or as being the one who
out question. Indeed, ‘submissive’
wears the trousers in his marriage,
individuals who do not serve and
than to call himself ‘dominant’. obey without question are disparag-
Moreover, for him, being with a ingly branded ‘faux-subs’ and ‘fake
woman who serves and obeys with- subs’, and accused of ‘topping from
the bottom’, as though they have a
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
duty to serve and obey without
asked question: this page is part of the
question, and are derelict in their
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
duty if they ever don't do so.
is answering the question or discussing
the above post. The question is: Is Taken In the Taken In Hand world, there
In Hand about discipline or punish- is no duty to serve and obey, and as
ment?] stated above, the husbands in these
77
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
relationships would find that a bit and your spouse is making that pos-
boring. We are a bit less frowny and sible for you and likewise acting in
a bit more fun. If what you are doing accordance with his or her own core
is not fun, fascinating and sexy, why being. It is powerful. You are focus-
do it? We are about creating vibrant ing more of your sexual energy and
happy marriages, not having people creativity on your spouse.† When
grit their teeth and do their alleged people do that, their attraction for
duty whether they like it or not. one another grows and intensifies.39
Similarly, there is a curious phe-
nomenon, from a Taken In Hand “WHAT IF THE MAN MAKES A MISTAKE?”
perspective, of some D/s folk con- (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
tending that ‘dominance’ is a burden
that the ‘dominant’ partner must
The husband will make mistakes.
shoulder, gritting his teeth if neces-
He is a human being, and human
sary. Again, if it feels onerous, why
beings are fallible and make mis-
do it? Life is too short for shoulder-
takes.
ing unnecessary heavy burdens you
To expect yourself (the husband)
hate.
not to make mistakes is totally unre-
So is this about dominance and
alistic. Try to do your best, but don't
submission? No, not really.* We're
fail to act because you fear making a
just a bunch of ordinary couples
mistake.
who simply prefer that the husband
Yes, to act is to risk making a mis-
wear the trousers in the relation-
take, but that is the human condi-
ship.38
tion. The risk-free life is no life at all.
There is no way to make progress in
“WHY DOES TAKEN IN HAND MAKE any sphere of life without risking
SPOUSES MORE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTH- making mistakes. Making a mistake
ER?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003) that causes problems for your
spouse is not the same as wilfully or
For the first time in my life, I don't negligently wronging her. Your wife
feel restless, trapped, or tempted to loves you and knows that your heart
have an affair. Why is my is pure, your intentions good.
wife/husband so much more attrac- Yes of course strive to solve prob-
tive to me now we have a Taken In lems rather than causing them, and
Hand relationship?
Because you are acting in accord-
† [This is an answer to a frequently-
ance with the core of your being,
asked question: this page is part of the
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
is answering the question or discussing
asked question: this page is part of the the above post. The question is: For the
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post first time in my life, I don't feel restless,
is answering the question or discussing trapped, or tempted to have an affair.
the above post. The question is: Is Taken Why is my wife/husband so much more
In Hand about dominance and submis- attractive to me now we have a Taken In
sion?] Hand relationship?]
78
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
yes of course take care to put your wife is much more likely to feel deep
wife and the relationship first, but gratitude for your efforts than angry
whatever action you take, whatever that you make some mistakes along
changes you make, you have no the way.
choice but to risk making mistakes You will make mistakes. You are
even as you strive not to make a human. That's life. There is no alter-
mistake. native.* Try not to become paralysed
Mistakes can easily be forgiven. by guilt or the fear of making mis-
Inaction can be less easy to forgive, takes.40
and more terrifying, because it can
feel to your wife as though you are “DOES THE HUSBAND HAVE TO BE PER-
indifferent to her or don't care FECT?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
enough to bother taking action or
making changes to improve your No, of course not. If that were nec-
marriage. If you make a mistake, essary, how many men would qual-
apologise and move forward. Learn ify?!
from it. Don't retreat into the paraly- No, he does not have to be perfect.
sis of inaction. Faint heart never won Naturally, a man who has abusive
fair lady. Fortune favours the brave. monster tendencies might not be the
He who dares wins. best candidate for a Taken In Hand
Making changes and taking action relationship, but there is no reason
is a risk, but don't forget that failing your average fallible human being
to make changes and take action is who is reasonably sane and tries to
also a risk. There is no course of ac- be a good person can't take charge in
tion that is risk-free, so choose the his marriage.
course that seems to you most likely Remember: in a Taken In Hand re-
to solve a problem. If it later turns lationship, the husband is not mis-
out that you were mistaken, make apprehension that he is an infallible
another change to correct the prob- omniscient godlike figure. He knows
lem. Keep making changes iterative- he is a fallible human being, so, to
ly until you can't see any problems. balance his power over his wife, he
Then make changes to make things takes care to put his wife and the
even better. relationship first. He also knows that
Keep in mind that in a Taken In the point of the whole thing is to
Hand relationship, the mistakes you create a white-hot sexual connection
may be worried about making are and thus a rock-solid bond between
mistakes that happen when you are husband and wife. He wants a
striving to improve your relation- happy marriage. That is why this
ship. Many husbands do not put
much energy and creativity into
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
improving their marriage. What a
asked question: this page is part of the
gift you are giving your wife in car- FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
ing so much that you want to solve is answering the question or discussing
problems and make changes that the above post. The question is: What if
will improve your marriage. You the man makes a mistake?]
79
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
seems like a good idea: because for  Because it turns them on.
those with Taken In Hand inclina-  Because being in this kind of rela-
tions, a Taken In Hand relationship tionship with someone who shares
this preference is exhilarating, fas-
is fun, fascinating and erotic.*
cinating and fun.
If you believe you know what per-
 Because when their husband gets
fection is, let alone expect it in your all bossy and firm and makes it
relationship, do not attempt any clear who's boss, they feel like
kind of intimate relationship, let thrilled and delighted and vibrant-
alone a Taken In Hand one, because ly alive.
you will be horribly disappointed.41  Because they know that to make a
relationship spectacularly good
takes considerable effort, and this
“IS THIS INFANTILISING FOR THE WOM- effort becomes mysteriously easy
AN?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003) and itself a source of joy and ex-
citement when their husband is
Not at all. These relationships are firmly wearing the trousers in
between two adult individuals each their relationship.
of whom takes responsibility for his  Because it makes them want to do
or her own actions. Taken In Hand everything in their power to
please their husband and make
wives are perfectly competent, ca-
him feel treated like a king.
pable adults, and there is nothing in
 Because it adds an extra dimen-
their relationship that infantilises sion to their relationship: for those
them or reduces their ability to func- women who like this kind of
tion in the normal adult world.† This thing, it is like the difference be-
is nothing to do with the idea of a tween a flat, grainy, faded,
childish, irresponsible faulty woman grayscale photograph and a super-
needing a parent-like figure to tell high-definition movie in brilliant
her what to do.42 colour.
 Because it is nothing like being
platonic roommates.
“WHY DO SOME WOMEN WANT THIS KIND  Because when it is difficult, it is
OF RELATIONSHIP?” (22 SEPTEMBER difficult in a more hardcore, inter-
esting way, and they know that
2003)
both of them find the relationship
so valuable that they will both do
whatever is necessary to solve the
* [This is an answer to a frequently- problems they encounter.
asked question: this page is part of the  Because they hate with a passion
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post being in control of a man.
is answering the question or discussing  Because feeling like a man's moth-
the above post. The question is: Does the er, boss, supervisor or leader does
husband have to be perfect?] violence to their soul.
† [This is an answer to a frequently-  Because it feels right.
asked question: this page is part of the  Because being firmly controlled
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post paradoxically makes them feel
is answering the question or discussing powerful and free.
the above post. The question is: Is this  Because it makes them feel more
infantilising for the woman?] autonomous, more adult and more
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
whole—indeed, it facilitates actual
personal and psychological
“IS TAKEN IN HAND A POLITICAL MAT-
growth in them, including the TER?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
growth of their psychological au-
tonomy. No. Not at all! In fact, we have
 Because it enables them to feel readers and writers of all sorts of
more aware of themselves as fe- different political persuasions. We
male—woman qua woman. probably all disagree with one an-
 Because they enjoy the different other about politics, but we have in
ways they interact with their hus-
common that we are drawn to the
band, including childlike playful
silliness, cuddly love, romantic idea of a Taken In Hand relation-
bliss, and hardcore heart- ship. We askposters not to get into
pounding adult intensity. political discussions on this site, and
 Because in a Taken In Hand rela- we often delete posts whose focus is
tionship they are never bored. political rather than being about
 Because sometimes they like to Taken In Hand relationships.
feel protected and looked after
This site is in no way intended to
and feminine.
 Because when their husband starts be political. It is in no way intended
calling the shots they develop a to be making any political point or
mysterious compulsion to obey. argument. It is a site about relation-
 Because they love the way their ships, and only about relationships.
husband looks at them, with such It is aimed only at those who might
passionate desire in his eyes. be or are drawn to the kind of rela-
 Because this kind of relationship tionships we talk about here. It is not
gives them the tools they need to
intended to convert anyone to any-
avoid or minimise disconnecting
thing. It is not intended to be for
arguments that might otherwise
be very damaging. everyone. It is not intended to criti-
 Because they find the dance of cise other choices.† It is just a sup-
control fascinating. portive resource for people who
 Because they love to see the deep want or are in this kind of relation-
contentment, manly pride, satis- ship.44
faction and joy on their husband's
face.*
 Because it somehow makes many “HOW DO I KNOW WHETHER TAKEN IN
seemingly unrelated aspects of life HAND IS RIGHT FOR ME?” (22
better.43 SEPTEMBER 2003)
A Taken In Hand relationship is a
fully-committed wholehearted sex-
* [This is an answer to a frequently-

asked question: this page is part of the † [This is an answer to a frequently-

FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post asked question: this page is part of the
is answering the question or discussing FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
the above post. The question is: Why do is answering the question or discussing
some women want this kind of relation- the above post. The question is: Is Taken
ship?] In Hand a political matter?]
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ually exclusive marriage in which, to right for you. It requires a certain
the delight of both spouses, the man maturity, kindheartedness, and the
actively controls the woman. The ability to forgive and let past prob-
degree of control and the way the lems go. Whether you are a man or a
husband retains control vary from woman, you need to be actively
Taken In Hand couple to Taken In aware that you are a fallible human
Hand couple, but in all cases both being, and that all human beings are
husband and wife actively want the fallible including your spouse. It is
husband to have the upper hand. No essential that you understand that
matter how strong, tough and force- there will be mistakes, and that that
ful a Taken In Hand wife may be, does not mean that your spouse is a
and no matter how hard she might bad person. If either you do not or
try to take control in their marriage, your spouse does not meet these
she would be aghast if her husband criteria, Taken In Hand is not right
were to let her get the upper hand. for you.
Likewise, no matter how loving, Do you and your spouse each have
kind and considerate the husband the ability to trust the other and be
may be, he prefers to keep his wife vulnerable with each other, or is one
firmly in hand. or other of you a bit paranoid or
The husband in the relationship distrustful? If you are the man, do
has a lot of power over his wife by you feel absolutely sure that your
virtue of his position at the one who wife would never under any circum-
is in charge. Being a good person, he stances violate your trust in her by,
wants to do no harm, so he takes for example, accusing you of abuse?
care to put his wife and the relation- If you are the woman, do you feel
ship first. safe with your husband? Are you
Do you really want this kind of re- absolutely sure that he would never
lationship? If you don't, it is not intentionally injure you or abuse
right for you. you in any way? Do you each feel
Does your spouse want this kind sure of the good character of the
of relationship? If not, then unless he other? This is really very important.
or she changes his or her mind (and How do you and your spouse each
that often does happen) it is not and jointly handle change? Change
right for you. is stressful, even good changes.
Does it sound like a burden or a Changing your relationship in this
duty to you or to your spouse? Then way is a big change in most cases,
it is not right for you. and there can be all sorts of unin-
Are you a person who takes re- tended consequences and unex-
sponsibility for your own actions, or pected events and emotions. If one
are you a person who blames others or both of you is not good at han-
for your problems? If you are hyper- dling change, Taken In Hand may
critical, angry, hyperemotional, not be right for you.
spiteful, grudge-bearing, vengeful, How have the two of you handled
defensive or tend to place blame or disagreements or incompatibilities
feel victimised, Taken In Hand is not in the past? Have you more often
82
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
than not managed to handle difficul- When they move their relationship
ties well? Have you generally turned in a Taken In Hand direction, the
towards each other or have you been spouses tend to feel deep gratitude
unable to adapt to each other? In to each other. They tend to have
moving your relationship in a Taken more fun together. They tend to find
In Hand direction, you are likely to more pleasure in conversing with
find that you will each have a differ- each other, doing stuff together, and
ent idea of what you want, and the their sexual connection is seriously
two of you need to be able to create intensified.
a path that you both like, rather than Taken In Hand dynamics facilitate
sticking rigidly to your first idea of problem-solving and reduce or elim-
how to proceed, otherwise Taken In inate any power struggles, fighting
Hand is not for you. or bickering there may have been.
Whether you are the man or the The less bad feeling there is in a rela-
woman in a potential Taken In Hand tionship, and the more good feeling,
relationship, if to you Taken In the more intimacy and connection is
Hand feels like a burden, it is not for possible, because the individuals
you. It needs to be something you more and more want to please each
positively want, something that you other, and they are less and less de-
think will give you pleasure and joy fensive and confrontational with
and passion and peace.* There must each other.
be something in it for you as well as Intimacy and connection also
for your spouse.45 tends to improve when the sex life of
a couple improves, and for those
“WHY ARE TAKEN IN HAND RELATION- drawn to Taken In Hand, taking
SHIPS SO INTIMATE AND CONNECTED?” their relationship in this direction
typically dramatically improves
(22 SEPTEMBER 2003) their desire for each other and there-
by their sex life.†
For many drawn to Taken In
Taken In Hand requires deep trust
Hand, taking their relationship in a
on both sides, and the more each
Taken In Hand direction feels so
person trusts the other, the more
right and so good (despite the many
intimate the relationship can be.46
problems there may be in making
this change) that there is a deep
sense of peace, a feeling of relief and
joy, renewed love and intense pas-
sion. † [This is an answer to a frequently-

asked question: this page is part of the

*[This is an answer to a frequently-asked FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
question: this page is part of the FAQ. is answering the question or discussing
Please try to ensure that your post is the above post. The question is: Why do
answering the question or discussing the couples tend to find that their relation-
above post. The question is: How do I ship becomes more connected and inti-
know whether Taken In Hand is right mate when they begin to move into a
for me?] Taken In Hand relationship?]
83
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“IS A TAKEN IN HAND RELATIONSHIP FOR matter how strong, tough and force-
ful a Taken In Hand wife may be,
EVERYONE?” (22 SEPTEMBER 2003)
and no matter how hard she might
try to take control in their marriage,
No. If Taken In Hand were com-
she would be aghast if her husband
pulsory, it would be an abomina-
were to let her get the upper hand.
tion. A Taken In Hand relationship
Likewise, no matter how loving,
is only for those who want it.
kind and considerate the husband
And not everyone who wants a
may be, he prefers to keep his wife
Taken In Hand relationship has the
firmly in hand.
necessary qualities, attitudes and
Given that the focus here is on re-
ideas for all types of Taken In Hand
lationships in which the man has the
relationship. Examples: there are
balance of power and control, is this
some men whom power corrupts;
site advocating a return to times past
there are some women who do not
in which many women had no
take responsibility for their own
choice? Is it about lifeless, stereotyp-
actions.* Not everyone is strong
ical relationships?
enough for a Taken In Hand rela-
No, it is actually about feeling free
tionship.47
to engage in the kind of relationship
that suits you, the individual. I'd like
“WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TAKEN to see a future free from prescrip-
IN HAND” (23 SEPTEMBER 2003) tions and proscriptions about the
sort of relationships deemed ac-
What is Taken In Hand all about? ceptable. Not everyone would want
What are its background assump- to be in a Taken In Hand relation-
tions and premises? ship, but this site is a supportive
As you may have read elsewhere forum for those who do.
on the site, a Taken In Hand rela- You may not like this site. You
tionship is a wholehearted sexually may have very different preferences.
exclusive marriage in which, to the If so, do not view us as enemies,
delight of both spouses, the man merely as individuals with our own
actively controls the woman. The preferences. This site is geared to my
degree of control and the way the own preferences as its owner, so it
husband retains control vary from won't please everyone. But it is in no
Taken In Hand couple to Taken In way a criticism or attack on different
Hand couple, but in all cases both preferences. To each his own.
husband and wife actively want the That said, let me explain how I see
husband to have the upper hand. No Taken In Hand.
A good relationship is a harmoni-
ous one. It is one in which the
* [This is an answer to a frequently-
spouses can talk to each other and
asked question: this page is part of the
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
feel accepted. It is one in which
is answering the question or discussing problems are solved and there is a
the above post. The question is: Is a Tak- lot of love and kindness and joy. It is
en In Hand relationship for everyone?] one in which the spouses feel appre-
84
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ciated and cared for. It is one in erences evolve and change over
which the spouses feel happy and time. How you relate best with one
vibrantly alive as opposed to flat person may not be the same as how
and bored. It is a connected, deeply you relate best with another. But if
engaged, intimate relationship, as you don't have a sexual connection,
opposed to a disconnected, distant what you have is a platonic friend-
relationship lacking intimacy. It is ship, and that is not enough for a
one that is dynamic and evolving, as good marriage.
opposed to static and stereotypical. On Taken In Hand, we are,
It is one in which important needs amongst other things, exploring the
are met. It is one that facilitates im- power of consensual control, domi-
provement at the individual level, at nance, and ‘coercion’ to foster an
the level of the relationship, and exciting sexual connection. This may
more widely. not be your cup of tea. Or you may
I strongly believe that for a mar- enjoy some aspects of this explora-
riage to be good in the sense I have tion but not others. If you think of
just described, a good sexual connec- yourself as submissive or obedient,
tion is essential. When the sexual you might dislike articles like this
connection goes awry, a marriage is one, this one or this one. If you have
in danger. When people feel sexual- come to Taken In Hand expecting to
ly unfulfilled and bored with each find a site focusing on spanking
other, they feel flat and lack energy, or domestic discipline (DD), you
or they get their excitement else- might hate articles like this one, this
where. When everything is going one or this one. If the way you main-
well in the sexual relationship, it tain a good sexual connection in
makes people feel happy and alive. your relationship is through an on-
It makes them feel good about the going fun, exciting “battle”, or your
other person. It dramatically in- ideal woman is the Amazon warrior
creases the amount of positive feel- type, you might have zero interest in
ing in the relationship. So for me, articles about soft, submissive, sur-
Taken In Hand is at least partly rendered women, and the gentle
about creating the sort of relation- men who love them. And converse-
ships that instead of sliding into ly, if you are here because you like
stale, sexless, platonic friendships (if the “surrendered wife” idea, you
they are friendly at all!), stay vi- may well dislike articles like this
brant, exciting, passionate, and one, this one, this one or this one.
white hot in the long term. Just think of this site as an evolving
There is no recipe for how to create exploratory entity and if there is
an exciting long-term sexual connec- anything that makes you want to
tion, and what will work for one stick your head down the lavatory
couple will not work for another. or have me locked up, just ignore it.
What will work for one couple at Taken In Hand is about having
one time may not work for the same the courage to be the person you
couple a year later. Individuals have really are, refusing to be cowed into
different preferences, and their pref- being someone you're not—whether
85
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
you are a tameable shrew, a civilised ers. To feel a human connection with
gentleman, a woman of valour, a others. I feel that once that primary
man who yearns for a woman who relationship is solid it makes it so
is as strong as he is, or a hardcore much easier to be a better parent, a
high-intensity lover. It is about tak- better friend, and a caring member
ing joy in being able to choose freely of a larger community. I once knew
the kind of relationship you want. someone who worked for social jus-
It’s about love and intimacy and tice, he loved humanity, it was indi-
passion and excitement. And the vidual people he couldn't stand. To
occasional bit of force—for those of my way of thinking much can be
us who like that sort of thing.48 known about a person by the kind of
relationships they develop. When
“LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR OTHER we have strong family connections
POSSIBILITIES” (23 SEPTEMBER 2003) we can then reach out to others and
say hey come join us. At least this
I believe that relationship is a path has been my experience.
to the divine. In my walk with Christ Domestic discipline (DD) works
I sometimes feel a connection to oth- for us because it draws us closer
ers because I have paid attention to together. By developing this primary
those closest to me. By building a relationship it makes other connec-
connection with my wife, it makes it tions possible. It has helped to build
so I can build connection with my trust between us that has allowed us
family, my friends and members of to delve ever deeper into each other
my community. I think it must start and interestingly our own selves.
with those closest to us, especially She has become a mirror. Sometimes
our wives and/or husbands. When I want to hide from that mirror be-
we create a solid, loving relationship cause I am afraid of what I may see.
with them it gives us a base from But I choose to look because I trust
which we can reach out to others. I her. DD has played no small part in
know what you mean by some in- this process of building trust. I hate
tense relationships being stultifying, to make it sound like DD is some
because I have witnessed this also. It magic bullet, or that this is easy, but
is not pretty. However, I often won- I do feel strongly that DD has laid
dered if those relationships were the groundwork for other possibili-
based on what one could gain from ties.49
the other rather than what one could
give to the other. Does this make “WHAT IF SHE ISN'T INTERESTED IN
sense? THIS?” (26 SEPTEMBER 2003)
The relationship I have with my
wife has blossomed because we are If you have just met the person,
both interested in each other and and she is not interested, you might
what we can do for each other. It is be best advised to find someone
my wife's loving, generous spirit who is, because if this is something
that inspires me to reach out to oth- you really want, you may find that

86
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
you are incompatible with someone “WHERE ARE ALL THE STRONG MEN?” (26
who does not share that desire.
If you are already married, then
SEPTEMBER 2003)
you need either to get divorced and
A few months ago I became single
find someone who is—which may
again after a long relationship and
be surprisingly difficult and un-
I've recently started dating again for
pleasant—or forget about Taken In
the first time in years. In my rela-
Hand and focus on the good things
tionship, my man was the kingpin,
you have with your wife apart from
the man in charge, the head of our
that.
household. Don't get me wrong, he
However, many are understanda-
wasn't a control freak, he was kind
bly initially negative about the idea
and gentle (most of the time!) and
until they see that it is not what they
giving. He cared about me and it
had imagined it is, so don't give up
showed, but ultimately, he wore the
hope prematurely. Perhaps you can
pants, and if I deserved it, and some-
find a form of Taken In Hand that times just for fun, he'd put me over
your wife would find delightful— his knee.
there are so many possibilities. Con- This is not something I've been
sider your wife as an individual able to tell that many people—it's
with her own preferences and see if taboo. But I believe many women
you can do more to fulfil her wishes want a strong man with a firm hand,
using Taken In Hand in some way if and that's what I'm looking for now
possible, or any way if not. that I'm single again. As a strong-
If you recommit to your marriage willed woman, I need a man I can't
and try to make it good for both of push around. But where do I find
you, you never know what good such a man? If you'd like to help
things may result from those efforts. with Janet's Search For A Strong
When you go out of your way to Man, you can leave your helpful
give your wife pleasure and make ideas in the comments below! Don't
her life more enjoyable, you may be shy now!
well find that she will surprise you.* I've tried dating New Men and I
If you are thinking of getting di- get bored and don't feel the level of
vorced, before you do that, read excitement I'm looking for. I can be
Michele Weiner Davis's The Divorce equals with a friend. But in a rela-
Remedy.50 tionship, I like to be aware of the
difference between us. It provides
more intimacy and keeps the sexual
tension alive. The power exchange
creates more of a thrill and more of a
* [This is an answer to a frequently- connection. There has to be a high
asked question: this page is part of the level of trust between you, and this
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post is valuable evidence of deep trust.
is answering the question or discussing It's interesting! It's spicy! It's hot! It
the above post. The question is: What if can be a tool for positive change in
she isn't interested in this?]
87
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
cases where you have problems. It I get spanked often. Not daily, and
makes me feel relaxed, peaceful, safe not necessarily for misdeeds. But we
and protected, and it makes him feel use spanking to establish our roles,
manly, protective and powerful. and to create passion that is white
Finally, it can help in resolving any hot. We also use spanking as a way
disagreements you have. to correct behaviour, although we
So now I'm single and dating don't use very nasty methods. I am
again. First thing that hits me is, spanked with his hand, a crop, a
men these days want a woman who paddle, and a hairbrush. This is all
will be the boss. Sure, they say they done with love and intent.
don't want a boss but their actions Now, a twist. I am submissive. Not
speak volumes… Even if they don't all the time, although we are striving
want that, they don't want to be in for that. I am completely bedroom
control either. I've met some real submissive though.
nice men... who want strict equality. My husband is an executive within
So, I've met this cute guy, right? a corporation. He has a high stress
He's right in every way except he's job. He talks and understands and
never taken a woman over his knee co-ordinates in millions of dollars.
and doesn't want to hurt me. My All of which I take an interest, to a
question is: how do I introduce this point. In my words, my biggest in-
whole idea? terest lays more in “what's my end?”
I've discovered it's not that easy! But my husband does come home
Someone pointed out that I need wired a bit. So, he feels that if he
to figure out what I want if I'm to comes home stressed out, and needs
tell him. Not a bad idea! So I hope to relax, he now wants to spank me.
I'll learn to articulate what I want He feels that if I offer my bottom to
more clearly. If you're a woman in him, and spanks, crops me, and I
the same boat, what are youlooking encourage him, he will feel lots bet-
for? Have you thought about it? Can ter.
you articulate it? If so, I'd love to So, yesterday, he comes home late
hear from you. Maybe we can help afternoon from such a meeting. He is
each other here!...51 so on. His eyes are bright and he
zeroes in on me. We have dinner,
“TO LET GO” (28 SEPTEMBER 2003) and he sends our daughter (6 years)
off to a friend's to play. He sends me
I have been in a very loving, pas- in to rest for a half hour or so. He
sionate and stable marriage for 4 tidies the kitchen. He then comes in
years now. We have progressed in the bedroom, holds me and tells me
our personal relationship from do- he needs to spank me to let go.
mestic discipline to having a more He undresses me, puts me over his
D/s element. I have all my needs knee and uses the crop. He warms
and desires responded to, and me up first with his hand, but then,
our connection couldn't be stronger, he spends the next 20 minutes or so,
although I'm told it's not near as really cropping me. And the louder I
strong as it's going to get. scream, the more he lets go. I am
88
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
told to encourage him to crop me wife spanking—as it was sometimes
harder and “don't stop till he feels called—there was a general agree-
better”. He never really “thrashes” ment that, as long as it did not
me, but he does use that crop effi- transgress into abuse, that reducing
ciently. By the end, he lets me up, a woman to tears across man's knee
gives me a drink, and then proceeds was preferable to smoldering re-
to play with me and I am so aroused sentments and eventual divorce.
I literally succumb to the sexuality Domestic discipline in today's so-
within seconds. ciety seems so out of place because
Afterwards, when we talk, he tells the misandric solution for all domes-
me I have never been cropped so tic difficulties has been to kick the
hard before. He feels because I was man out of the house. Relegated to
doing it for him, I could take more. the fringes of society by an en-
If I were being spanked for behav- trenched matriarchal new world or-
iour, it changes the feelings, and I der that continually portrays women
can't take it. as victims and men as evil buffoons,
Well, the end result...WOW... It domestic discipline has developed
was so hot. So, if this is what being its own jargon—much of it bor-
submissive means, I am going on rowed from the bondage communi-
this trip never to return. I am so in ty. However, until fairly recently in
love with this man who understands terms of human history, the practice
my needs so well, and can satisfy his did not require elaborate schemes to
needs by feeding mine. Sometimes work.
life is so good.52 Men and women understood each
other and what to expect from each
“TRADITION, FEMINISM, VICTORIA AND other better than they do today. For
ALBERT” (30 SEPTEMBER 2003) example, a boy who had heard an
older sister get a spanking or two
The phrase taken in hand comes intuitively comprehended that the
from the expressed sentiment that female anatomy and psyche are not
there are times in a woman's life nearly as fragile as they have been
when a man needs to take her in hand more recently portrayed. Girls un-
and straighten her out. Women from derstood that fact of life as well.
more traditional backgrounds are (While women still understand it,
likely to use the phrase taken in men do not.)
hand—or its derivatives—as a eu- So it was that without lists of rules
phemism for getting a spanking in and punishments, women under-
which they may not be totally will- stood when they had crossed the
ing participants at the moment. line and what they might expect as a
While the world has changed since result. For the most part, mostly
phrases such as taken in hand were from girl talk and motherly advice,
understood, one thing to remember brides understood that if a wife de-
is that there was a time when, while ceived her husband then she could
society did not completely condone expect to be spanked. Absent implic-
it social understandings, today's
89
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
domestic discipline has to rely on or as wife? If she were queen, he was
more explicit arrangements. the obeisant subject. Conversely, if
While the women's liberation she were wife, he was her husband.
movement has been good for wom- Whether Victoria was ever
en in many respects, an increasing spanked—which she may well have
number of women are becomingly been on occasion given the attributes
increasingly frustrated with the gulf of the age that bears her name—is
that separates them from men. They less important than the model her
know that it is not nature, but are dual role offers to women who have
unsure as to what to do about it. achieved positions of responsibility
Men are likewise bewildered. in the workplace. For domestic dis-
Keeping the above in mind, per- cipline to work, women have to let
haps the best thing that a website men take charge. It requires a rethink-
can do is dispel the modern myth, ing—even leaving it at the door—
largely created by a radicalized and �that many women find difficult if
embittered feminist movement bent not impossible. The result is matri-
more on misandry than anything monial carnage.53
else—that spanking is either abusive
or else it is titillating—that it either “DON'T GO INTO YOUR CAVE, GET OUT
degrades a woman to the point that YOUR PREFERRED IMPLEMENT!” (1
she must be certifiably crazy to en-
dure it or else it is a kink foisted on
OCTOBER 2003)
her because she was spanked as a
A girlfriend of mine phoned for a
child by her father.
heart-to-heart last night. She'd had a
The problem for women and do-
big argument with her husband the
mestic discipline is the same as for
day before and things had not im-
women and Christianity. Some of
proved. “I am so tired of feeling like
the most unmitigated disasters occur
the bad guy here. Why am I always
when a woman drags post-modern
the one in the wrong? He's mad at
feminist ideology into a spin-off of
me, and he is in his cave... and he's
an ancient patriarchal religion. Much
been there for over 24 hours.”
the same thing is true when the
What is it with some men? Need-
same post-modern woman tried to
ing to go into their cave and all that?
merge feminism with domestic dis-
Is it me or is this cave idea of John
cipline.
Gray simply another name for sulk-
That integration of domestic disci-
ing and punishing by angrily with-
pline and feminism may be
drawing? When a man simply needs
difficult�becomes evident in a
to be alone (as indeed, when a wom-
story told of Prince Albert in his
an needs to be alone) it would never
potentially awkward relationship
occur to anyone to call it “going into
with Queen Victoria. Although Al-
his cave”, would it? My friend's
bert had no inherent position in
husband could have smiled at her
government, when the two were
and kissed her and mentioned that
alone, he only had one question:
he felt the need to be alone for a
Was he addressing Victoria as queen
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while. Instead, he looked daggers at the sort of relationship described on
her and stonewalled her and with- Taken In Hand is that there is a bet-
drew, leaving her feeling hurt and ter way to handle such problems—
frustrated and punished. It's all very one that draws the two people to-
well to give that a fancy name and gether instead of pulling them apart.
make it sound good, but let's call a Here's how one woman described it
spade a spade and see it for what it to me recently:
is: punitive sulking. “In the days before my husband
Don't get me wrong: I think there got smart about the kind of relation-
is a lot to be said for ending an in- ship I want, our life together was a
teraction when it has gone bad and lot less peaceful. He would get an-
starting afresh a little later, rather gry and sulk for hours or days, and I
than letting it spiral down into even would be frozen out. Then I would
greater ugliness. But this is not that. get angry and freeze him out in turn.
When the man is in his cave, he is It was hell. It wasn't easy getting
exuding silent anger, punishing the through to my husband about what I
woman every bit as effectively as if want. For some reason he didn't
he were shouting at her. believe I was serious when I first
Admittedly, another friend of told him. What I like is for him to be
mine has said that she finds John in charge. I like to feel his authority
Gray's cave idea really helps her not and power on a daily basis, and I
to get upset when her husband is in like him to discipline me if he feels
a mood (now he is just “in his cave” I've stepped out of line. I finally got
and she doesn't take it personally so through to him after we had a major
much) but in many cases, women row and he stormed off and shut
are not quite so able to feel great himself in the bedroom. I decided to
when their husbands are “in his act. I grabbed a wooden spoon and
caves”, and when I see men behav- followed him to the bedroom. Hand-
ing like this, I feel like telling them ing him the wooden spoon, I told
to grow up, and come out of the him that if he felt as angry as he
damn cave! seemed, he should put me over his
One man I know who recently left knee, and that it might make him
his wife said that his wife left him in feel better. Initially, he refused, and
his cave, and he stayed there so long sent me away, but later that night,
he forgot that his wife was outside! he called me back to the bedroom
How many women bravely wait and had me lie face down on the
outside the damn cave, even though bed, and he gave me the beating of
they would like to feel close again... my life. At first he was still angry
while all the time their husbands and silent but after several blows,
ache just as much as they do for which made me cry out in pain, but
connection but are unable to express which I submitted to, he seemed to
it? start to relax. I thought he would
This whole cave thing is as typical never stop, but still I submitted.
of the average relationship as it is Without going into too many details,
destructive. One of the benefits of let's just say that this ended with
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highly charged emotions, tears, and have. I feel that I am not a naturally
extreme passion. That was followed submissive person. I have never
by an intimate talk which resolved been one, and it is only in this rela-
our issues with ease. Now he shocks tionship I have discovered submis-
friends by joking that he firmly be- sion. And the power I feel in being
lieves that a good beating is the an- loved this intensely, the incredi-
swer to many a married man's prob- ble connection. If this is to be intensi-
lems.” fied through my becoming submis-
That man may have been joking sive all the time, then I want some.
but there is some truth in what he This submission is not about me
says. Obviously, it would be wrong not being able to make decisions.
for a husband to do something like This is not about me losing my spon-
this if his wife prefers an ordinary taneity, nor momentary flings of
equal relationship with no control madness. That is joy. This is about
and no “discipline”. But for women when we are together, or about to be
who like the idea of being taken in together, my head wraps around
hand, it is often infinitely preferable just that. As it is, he gives permis-
to receive a sound beating than it is sion for most of my daily events.
to suffer the destructive punishment Not that I am always that good at
of the man “going into his cave”. listening. He doesn't choose my
Consensual physical discipline clothes, although tells me what he'd
brings the couple together. It is an like to see, and I decide what that
intimate act, and often leads on to means.
another kind of intimacy. Going into We have talked about how far
your cave puts up barriers; getting does one fall into submission. And
out the wooden spoon breaks down he tells me that never am I going to
barriers and makes you feel close, lose myself. That's the best part for
which then makes it possible to talk him. Me. And he says it's too pre-
with understanding and resolve the cious to lose, or tamper with. He
issue in a way that is not possible knows my background. He knows
when tempers have flared and you that if I feel the tiniest bit of danger,
are in fighting mode. So you could I can withdraw so fast, it can take
say that putting your wife over your days to get me back. That's not what
knee is a way of getting the fight we want here. I guess the best way
over and the talking started.54 to describe it, is to equate submis-
sion with sexuality. I want to be-
“WHITE HOT INTENSITY AND BOUNDLESS come and feel more sexually intense,
JOY” (2 OCTOBER 2003) and if that comes through submis-
sion, or my submitting to my hus-
Just why am I doing this anyway? band, then I will find it.
I seem to be on this clear path of And I question. If I feel I can't live
being happy. The thought of becom- with something, then it's arranged
ing more submissive is or would be until I can. This is about being hap-
an enhancement of what we already py, for both of us. Gary has a fantasy
of having me submissive full time. I
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will happily go with this until it feel the good men are. “I seem to attract
uncomfortable or it is something I only submissive men who want to
cannot live with. But as it is right be led around by the nose,” she
now, I can live with this. It is very, complained. This friend is one of a
very hot.55 surprisingly large number of women
who yearn for a strong man who
“QUIET AUTHORITY” (3 OCTOBER 2003) will, at least in some ways, be
in control… “not the way your aver-
Quiet authority... a man must age control freak is in control,” she
know who he is, and then gently, says, “but in a way which increases
but very firmly be able to lead me— the intimate connection between the
reassuring me at all times. I can't man and woman.” She says she
bear to be yelled at—I will turn and finds control erotic, “but I'm not at
run, but a man who speaks softly, no all interested in BDSM and have no
matter what he is saying to me, will desire to be anyone's slave or serv-
always hold my attention. I may ant. Nor do I want a man who re-
not obey!! (grin) But I will listen! quires unquestioning obedience. I'm
Knowing he is noticing me, and is a modern woman who wants a
aware of my needs and emotional modern relationship (i.e., one in
standing, is reassuring and safe. I which each partner supports the
also want to obey him, and can't other's work and dreams) but one
bear to disappoint him. enriched by control dynamics.” Un-
If someone gives me a direct order, fortunately, her search has so far
I kinda wonder what planet he's drawn a blank.
from, but if he lets me know his If you are a woman in this situa-
wishes, gently, firmly, and that his tion, unfortunately, I think you will
concern is for me and our relation- find it difficult at best finding a suit-
ship, then I will always follow his able partner, especially over the in-
lead. ternet. Truth is, there are a lot of
As for a man who can laugh and men who are on the Internet playing
cry with me—I do not believe that a games. Some are playing several
man who shows his vulnerability women at the same time. If ever
with me, in private, is weak. On the confronted over their behavior,
contrary, he has great strength and a some of these men react with tactics
tender heart that I will follow, will- of control. You know, the old
ingly.56 “You're not submissive enough if
you don't trust me” sort of crap. I
“FINDING A GOOD MAN” (4 OCTOBER think men who do that to women
2003) are weasels (at best). Just MHO but
I'll stick to it. Many men you will
An internet friend of mine recently meet on the internet are married,
wrote me an anguished email mes- just living out some sort of fantasy
sage saying that she is now single and stringing whoever they can
and that she has no idea where all along for the ride. Often times, it is
expensive for women only in terms
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
of time and sometimes lost real op- Even if you are looking for a man
portunities. Other times, it is out- interested in control more broadly
right dangerous. Pay real attention than just spanking, I still think the
to details. Listen to the man's ac- best place to look is in men with
tions, not just his words. If his ac- strictly erotic backgrounds—men
tions belie his words, believe his who enjoy erotic spanking. The rea-
actions, not his words. son for this is that the kind of control
To find a man who has the quali- needed is normally specific to the
ties you seek, you will likely need to woman. I believe that anyone who
look in unlikely places, paying atten- genuinely enjoys eroticism is wired
tion to apparent innate intelligence for this sexually and can gain the
rather than any claim they may have necessary control dynamics. The
to actually knowing anything. One trouble is that sometimes the whole
thing not to overlook is where you thing gets out of whack and the man
met the last man you were with. One becomes a control freak. Avoid men
woman I know of, frustrated with who have preconceptions about
her experience on the internet, took obedience and submission, because
the old fashioned approach and the control they offer will not be
went to her address book, finding pleasant.
single men or old friends now di- My basic premise here, and the
vorced for some time. She picked reason I believe erotic experience
out the ones she had some attraction only is preferable, is that the control
to. This makes absolute sense be- dynamic of discipline needs to de-
cause emotional attraction is sexual velop and evolve as part of your
and it is likely that sexual attraction relationship specific interaction.
is speaking from the same sexuality. Men who like to spank would by
I suggest that you carefully look in their nature easily take on intimate
the erotic community, YOU contact- discipline/c-ontrol dynamics the
ing men and not the other way way we explain them. These men
around. Look for intelligence and would have trouble with the “be-
clarity of thought rather than giving havior modification” approach, but
that much of a hoot if he “has it that is inherently absurd anyway.
right”. Better to find someone who An erotic spanker could easily un-
might be very open to what you derstand that control dynamics
want rather than someone who has would enrich the intimate experi-
preconceptions, because such pre- ence. And as someone sexually in-
conceptions could hamper the de- clined towards spanking, he would
velopment of the sort of relationship have this as a natural quality in his
you want. Don't expect anyone to personality. How it developed
already have exactly the same ideas would depend on how you related
as you have. There are spanking to each other.57
websites which have personal ads.
Check out personal home pages
with appropriate search phrases.

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“THE NIGHT THAT CHANGED OUR MAR- felt a sense of peace and love I'd
never felt before. I think I'd wanted
RIAGE FOR EVER” (5 OCTOBER 2003)
him to do that for a very long time,
and I was acting out more and more
My husband and I have been mar-
to get a reaction out of him. Not con-
ried for 31 years. In the beginning.
sciously, but looking back with
there was no “discipline”. Then after
hindsight I think I was pushing and
a few years, by chance, my husband
testing all the time until that night.
put me over his knee for a joke.
Since that night, things have been
From there, it was initially just occa-
a lot more peaceful around here.
sional spanking for fun, nothing
Spankings don't happen very often,
serious. After about ten years of be-
but they do still happen, even now,
ing married and developing a pat-
after 31 years of marriage. And
tern of arguing with each other, of-
when I look at my husband, I still to
ten about the same things, I got
this day get a rush of love for him.
home after my evening class one
Don't think that when you've been
night to find that my husband was
together this long, the passion's
mad at me.
gone. It's not. We're still hot for each
I had gone out after class with
other. If anything, we have a more
some of my classmates and it was
passionate marriage now than we
late when I got home. This was a
did in the first decade. I think that's
bone of contention because I would
down to my husband having started
often be late getting the kids to
asserting himself and putting me
school next morning when I did
over his knee when the need arises
that, plus he said it was a single per-
(or sometimes just for fun). It makes
son's behavior, not the way a mar-
me feel safe and protected and loved
ried woman should behave. We
so very much. Why doesn't every-
used to argue about it but he never
body do it?58
did anything until this one night...
which changed our marriage for
ever. That night, he was mad. He “TOTAL OBEDIENCE?” (6 OCTOBER
said that what I needed was an old 2003)
fashioned over the knee spanking
and he did just that. I was asked: “Do you think that
At first I was angry and resisted the woman should be obedient at all
but the truth is, I wanted him to take times, in the sense that, aside from
me in hand. I wanted him to care playful disobedience, she obeys
enough to stop me behaving like a without question come what may?”
single woman. I wanted him to put If we assume that in the relationship
his foot down and assert himself. the man is in charge, is dominant
When he finished spanking me that etc. and the woman is submissive
first time, I clung to him and cried etc. then this would only make sense
my eyes out..... and then I fell asleep if the man always knew better than
in his arms while he stroked my the woman, and if there was never a
head and kissed me. Next morning, I good reason for the woman to act

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independently or in ways which else going for them—so why would
were contrary to what her man the dominant bother, except for self-
wanted at the time. ish or pet-keeping-like reasons—or
Since men are never this all- the submissive has all sorts of
knowing, and women are never this strengths and qualities—in which
clueless and useless on their own, case why would a healthy, wise,
this is a simplistic situation—a car- dominant go along with them not
toon cardboard cut-out of how a engaging properly with the world?
relationship should be. It is clear that It simply feels good for many peo-
this holds many attractions for some ple who are females or thinking and
people—the drama and simplicity of feeling in a feminine way to be pro-
complete domination etc. I have just tected, led, disciplined etc. Likewise
been reading the profiles of a bunch it feels good for the man—or a per-
of kinky Melbourne women—and son who is thinking and feeling in
some of them are very explicit and ways which are typically mascu-
demanding in wanting a man to take line—to protect, lead and perhaps
complete and detailed charge of punish his woman.
them. I think the wisest position—one
I think that for all but the most ex- which is adopted by couples who I
treme individuals, this is not what think have really made the most
they actually want, day-to-day, in of DD and many other aspects of
their best, sanest, mind. Nonetheless their lives—is that each partner de-
there's a great thrill in thinking fers to the other depending on who
about something like this—being is likely to be wisest and most stable
totally dominated, totally protected, in all the circumstances. For in-
totally controlled, totally used etc. stance, if the man is tired or ill, then
Likewise there's a thrill for some he defers to the judgement of the
man in thinking about this. woman. Also, in fields where the
I think most people want more in woman has greater knowledge and
their life than domination and sub- skills, the man defers to her. This is
mission. But there are some people, all perfectly natural, but it is more
women and men, who seem to seri- complex and less satisfyingly dra-
ously seek out lives of complete matic than “100% domination”, total
submission and servitude. I think submission etc.
they are very lucky to find someone A “total obedience” situation puts
who is wise and strong enough to all the responsibility on the man—he
provide them with everything they has to make all the decisions and get
need, financially and emotionally. A them all right, because there is no
person who can do this must be ful- other pathway for making decisions.
ly functioning in many ways—and I While women and some men may
think only a subset of such healthy get hot and horny thinking about
people would want to live a life as such arrangements, I don't imagine
the sole keeper, supporter and dom- that many actually live this way 24
inant of a dependent person. Either hours a day.
the dependent person has nothing
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Not only is the 100% obedience ar- etched his already craggy features
rangement a terrible responsibility and haunted his eyes.
for the man, it is also a really un- She knew he hated to see her cry,
healthy arrangement for him as well. yet tears flowed unbidden and un-
It seems that humanity generally checked as she watched her beloved
turns ugly or at least unfocused and fading before her very eyes. The
inefficient when there are no guides doctors had long since given up any
or boundaries—when there is no hope of his recovery, and now all
clear positive or negative feedback. they would give her to help him was
In a small business, there are short the morphine he hated so much. It
feedback paths, involving time de- eased his pain but made it unbeliev-
lays of seconds to hours or days. In ably difficult to speak.
large businesses, or in governments, He shifted slightly and a grown
there are many barriers to feedback, escaped from deep within him.
and multiple levels which involve She leaned over to squirt another
distortions, barriers and time delays dropperful of the vile liquid under
lasting days to years. Feedback, es- his tongue, knowing that as it eased
pecially negative feedback so you his pain it would also slow his al-
can correct mistakes and stay on ready labored breathing and hasten
track, is essential for virtually all his final parting from her. Guilt
human activities. Yet it seems that washed over her. He was so strong,
the 100% obedience arrangement a warrior who had valiantly battled
could lead some men and women the ravaging disease for years longer
into a situation where there is little than the doctors had ever believed
feedback, so things could go way was possible, and here she was—his
wrong before someone really notic- mate, his lady, his beloved
es. Babygirl—giving him the pain-
It is also possible that with some relieving poison that would numb
individuals the 100% power does his keen mind and dull his senses.
things to their thoughts and emo- Choking back the sobs that once
tions which are unhealthy and lead again threatened to wrack her body,
them to be mistaken, or develop she gently kissed the top of his head
selfish thoughts, feelings and ac- and whispered, “I'm sorry, my
tions.59 Love.”
He heard the guilt in her voice—
“DOMINANT TO THE LAST” (7 OCTOBER the guilt he had spent years spank-
2003) ing out of her. Suddenly the dullness
was gone from his eyes. His eye-
He sat in the king size chair that brow lifted sharply, his eyes flashed
only a few months ago had fit him with the familiar sparks of con-
as though it had been intentionally trolled anger, and his voice resonat-
created as his throne. Now it seemed ed with authority and passion.
to dwarf his thin, almost frail form. “Kathyrn, do NOT do that to my
The agony of his disease had deeply Baby!!”

97
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Goosebumps flushed her body and nection. At the moment we are
a familiar shiver ran up and down working on a few rules around a
her spine. Death like quicksand diet I need to be on for my health.
sucked at his body, yet his spirit was For the most part rules or obedience
unvanquished. Her submission to don't sit well with me. I am much
him had not been quickly or easily more a control type person. Service
won. In the beginning, fierce battles at this time in my life is a give-and-
of will had raged between them, but take thing with the head of my
he had unfailingly prevailed. He had household. I work more hours than
conquered her will and won her he does most weeks, and am pretty
heart. Now her acquiescence to his tired most nights. We serve each
unquestioned authority came as other.
naturally as the beating of her heart. For me the control is the most im-
“Yes, my Love,” she sighed as she portant part. It makes me feel safe
sank to her knees in front of him and and very loved. I need him to be
lay her head in his lap. “That's my involved in my life, to know what I
good girl,” he whispered as he gen- am doing, to give input, to suggest,
tly stroked her hair. to congratulate, and to tell me when
They were the last coherent words I am off base. The type of dominance
he ever spoke to her. He had main- or how he exerts the control is not as
tained his dominance to the very important as the control itself.
last.60 My husband spanks me for fun
and for discipline. I have a very real
“A NEED FOR CONTROL” (8 OCTOBER need! Another woman might just
2003) need to feel her man''s control in her
life and that is it. Or she may later
My husband and I have been mar- develop a need for him to express
ried a total of 27 years (two of those that control in different ways includ-
years we went through a divorce) ing a spanking. Every women is
and we have been in a domestic dis- different.61
cipline relationship for about 2
years. “THE SWEETEST ‘BENEVOLENT DICTATOR-
I have learned there are mainly SHIP’ EVER” (9 OCTOBER 2003)
three types of submission from a
very nice couple on another site. It was my second husband, Dar-
Obedience, service, and control rell, who introduced me to this life-
submission. I am a holistic women style. Darrell and I connected
and have a bit of all three types in through a personals ad. We wrote to
me, with the majority, at this time of
one another daily over a period of
my life, being control. I need my
five months. Darrell was a numbers
head of the household to be very
person and estimated we each wrote
involved in my life. I need him to
take control. I have only one stead- over 350,000 words in that time. We
fast rule that is: don't break the con- also made audio tapes for one an-

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other, and we exchanged pictures— Darrell was a shock to me on every
we never talked on the phone (de- level and in every way. Neither of us
cided right away it would be cost had ever heard of the term DD (do-
prohibitive!!). We never met. At the mestic discipline). I only encoun-
end of the five months, he closed his tered it myself four years after I lost
barber shop in Texas, gave away him to cancer. He called what we
everything he couldn't sell or fit into had a Benevolent Dictatorship. For
an extended pick-up, and headed us, it was something that evolved
north to Washington State to be with quite naturally, starting with a first
me. spanking that evoked powerful reac-
We shared the background of past tions in both of us.
marriages that were void of any He had only been here for about
communication—both of us were three weeks. I was having difficulty
loquacious, expressive personali- adjusting to his attitude—he was so
ties—and we had discussed in depth damned bossy and arrogant—yet
every topic imaginable. Yet meeting because of the situation, he wasn't
in person was still a shock—and he comfortable pushing me too far. It
moved right in with me. We had was a long way back to Texas and he
agreed to sleep in separate rooms at had pretty much shut those doors
first—but that didn't last long! behind him.
I had been attracted to my first This particular day, we had decid-
husband because I believed he was ed to take the bus to town to do
strong. What I discovered after we some shopping. We really have a
married is that he was a powerful wonderful bus system here and the
controller who was threatened and landscape is incredible. But he had
intimidated by my strength. He been grating on my nerves all morn-
solved his problem by doing every- ing with his bossy attitude and final-
thing in his power to crush and ly I snapped. I charged out the door
break my spirit—and nearly suc- and rushed down the street to the
ceeded. bus stop. Darrell never rushed any-
It was after my suicide attempt where—but he had long legs that
that I started my word study on could out-stride me two to one easi-
submission—though I truly figured ly. Several times he ordered me to
at the time that it was wasted effort. wait up for him, but I was having
I had decided by then that men fell none of it. I reached the bus stop just
into two categories: the weak and/or ahead of him—and just as the bus
passive ones who enjoyed women pulled up a couple of minutes early.
walking all over them and the pow- I hopped on and took a seat. He was
erful, controlling ones who only right behind me and sat down be-
wanted to crush and break one's side me. He tried to take my hand—
spirit. but I yanked it away from him.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Then he had the audacity to tell start to pull them down. That galva-
me if I didn't behave myself, he was nized me into action—but too late.
going to turn me over his knee right There was a band of steel across my
there in front of God and country. I back. I tried as hard as I could to get
really wasn't certain if he meant it or away, but I was stuck.
not—�in this state he could easily The shock of that first hard slap on
go to jail for taking such an action— my bare bottom was unbelievable
but I abhor public scenes, so I let and I was bloody furious! But it did-
him hold my hand. I turned my n't faze him. I went from blazing
head away and glared out the win- rage and demands that he stop to
dow the entire trip, plotting. tears and sobs. It didn't matter—he
When the bus stopped downtown, was determined to thoroughly blis-
he stood up to let me out first. I ter my behind. Then as suddenly as
dashed off the bus and hit the he had started, he stopped. He
ground at close to a dead run. He turned me over, took my chin in his
was still very unfamiliar with our big old paw and made me look at
town, so I easily lost him—which him. It was the first sound he had
was my intent. I finished my shop- made since he had walked in the
ping and got on the next bus home. door. His expression was deadly
The buses run every 30 minutes serious and his tone of voice was so
here, and it was exactly one half calm and intense at the same time
hour after I got home that he opened that it sent shivers right through me
the front door. I was standing in the and straight into my soul. He said, “I
center of the living room when that STRONGLY suggest that you never
door opened. I was struck by two pull another stunt like that again.”
things—he seemed to fill the entire As shattering as that was, it was
doorway (I had never really noticed nothing compared to what hap-
just how BIG he was before) and the pened next. He pulled me so close to
look on his face. It made me freeze him I could hardly breathe, and sat
right where I was. He strode across there holding and rocking me until I
the room, grabbed my arm and quit crying and was all calmed
pulled me over to the sofa. Normal- down. I will never be able to ade-
ly, I am a fighter from the get-go, but quately explain what I was feeling
something about his demeanor just then, but the closest I can come
made my intuition scream that this is that for the very first time in my
would most definitely not be a good life I new what home and safe
time to fight. meant.
He sat down in the center of the I wish I could say it was smooth
sofa and in the same move, pulled sailing from there, but it just would-
me down across his lap. Then I felt n't be the truth. I am an aggressive
his hand reach into my pants and fighter, a warrior by nature and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
temperament, and I was determined stand—I am not saying I was in-
to make certain he wasn't deceiving stantly docile and obedient—I never
me—that he didn't truly fall into one came close! But I was his Lady and
of my preconceived ideas about he was my Hero.62
men. I pushed and tested and chal-
lenged in every way possible, but he “MS. DAMEN [SHOULD BE] TAKEN IN HAND
was undaunted. The only thing that (I JEST!)” (10 OCTOBER 2003)
ever seemed to suffer was my bot-
tom. The turning point for me hap- Ms. Damen feels so dirty after
pened in one night. I wanted des- reading Karen's piece* that she feels
perately to yield to his love, but I the need to take a shower. “I honest-
ly thought drivel like this only
was so scared of being hurt again.
popped up in Penthouse letters,” she
He was lecturing me about some-
fumes. Hmmm, Penthouse letters,
thing—I really don't remember eh? Presumably the implication is
what. The man was ALWAYS lectur- that Karen's piece is intended to be
ing me, or so it seemed. He reached erotic.
out to stroke my face and I bit his Imagine my surprise, then, when I
hand hard. I was over his knee with read Ms. Damen's next stinging
my bottom naked so fast it made me blow (oops, no allusion to spanking
dizzy. But he didn't do anything for intended):
what seemed to be an eternity. That
Now normally, I don't bother my-
damned band of steel wouldn't let self with this sort of thing. I'm a
me up, but he was doing nothing. whatever-floats-your-boat kind of
Then suddenly his voice got that person.
terrible calm intensity to it and he
said, “I (and he emphasized it with a ...as long as it's on Ms. Damen's
approved list of boat-floating activi-
resounding slap that sounded like
ties.
my dad's handgun going off and felt
like it went clear through me) don't I should probably also make clear
(another slap) care (another) if that I don't care if couples get into
(again) it (you get the idea) takes a spanking for fun. What is being de-
scribed in the post, however, isn't
lifetime, I am going to prove to you I
spanking for fun. (Read the whole
love you with all my heart and all thing if you doubt me.)
my Soul and you are mine forever.”
Without any prior plans having Doesn't this contradict Ms.
been made, we were married one Damen's first statement that Karen's
week later (I had refused until then). piece was like a letter in Penthouse?
As far as I was concerned, he had I assume there aren't too many let-
conquered my will, won my respect ters in Penthouse that aren't intend-
and stolen my heart. I was his—
* “The night that changed our marriage
heart, mind, body and Soul. Under-
for ever,” 5 October 2003.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ed to be for fun, but not being a reg-
ular reader, I'll have to be guided by Because, you see, the above post
Ms. Damen on that. She continues: excerpt doesn't describe to me a hus-
band at all.
It's spanking as discipline, spanking
that presumes a husband's right to You don't like the sound of it, so
determine what is and is not accepta- it's not ok for Karen to like it? What
ble behavior from his wife. happened to “whatever floats your
boat”, Ms. Damen? Are you aware
Does it? Is that what it means? of how widespread the desire for
Let's see, what does it say on this site this sort of relationship is? Are all
about this sort of “discipline”? Read the women who enjoy being taken in
what Karen says. This “discipline” is hand in need of therapy?
something she wanted, something
she wanted so much that she acted And I admit, I get the queasy, turn-
out more and more until her hus- ing-in-the-stomach feeling from peo-
band got the message that she ple who blur the two roles like this.
All I can think is: If it's not all right
craved this kind of control. Sure,
for fathers to have sex with their
maybe it would have been better daughters, as though they were
had she just told him that's what she wives, why is it any more right or
wanted, but when Karen writes that natural for husbands to discipline
she wanted it, how is it that you their wives, as though they were
read non-consent, Ms. Damen? Is it daughters?
that you think you know best what
other people should want? Is it that That is begging the question, Ms
if they want something other than Damen. This is not about being
what you approve of, you jump to treated like a child, it is about being
the conclusion that they can't really treated like a woman, the way that
want it? Surely Karen should be the individual woman wants to be treat-
judge of what she wants, not you. ed. It is consensual. It is what floats
Notice how Karen stresses the her boat. In the case of a child, there
love, the peace and the passion of is no choice, no escape, no consent.
her very long term marriage. That's (Hmmmmm...)63
pretty good going isn't it? How
many couples married that long feel “CREATING AN UNBREAKABLE BOND OF
those things and to the degree Karen LOVE TAKES TIME” (10 OCTOBER 2003)
evidently does? Who are you to
judge her? I have always had fantasies. Strong
images of being loved, but being
Do you want a daddy? Or a hus- stopped. Not stopped in a control-
band? ling or negative way. But stopped
with loving limits, and then if neces-
Is Karen being treated badly, like a
sary, being spanked. I had always
child? Or is she loving her relation-
considered this a sexual fantasy, but
ship and her husband just as they
are?
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
somewhere there was a grain of having or being “bad” that my big-
truth. After all, I wanted to be loved. gest challenge was pushing limits.
My entire life was mixed with the Gary was clear to make my limits
wrong type of man. I kept choosing hard or I was forever looking for the
muscle for strength. When I met loophole.
Gary, he was clearly on to me. But I am a very organized person and
he probed and prodded and was have no problems running my life
able to take my unrefined ideas and and household. So for us, even
create a reality and distinct personal- though spanking is used for some
ities for us. And in doing so, created behavior, it is more widely used
us a wonderful life. He started by for connection. Even if I have been
establishing a very strong “unbreak- naughty, and Gary spanks me
able bond” of love. for discipline, it still seems to fall
Through this entire process he also under the connection umbrella as we
put in place his clear role of authori- are so close afterwards.
tarian and Head of our House. He And then there is the exploration
knew I would need time to adjust to of my submission. Many a very
this dynamic, and always explained hard spankingfalls under this cate-
what he was doing although left gory. The emotional output has nev-
little wiggle room for challenge. We er been too taxing on either one of
were both sensitive to each other's us. We both seem to thrive on the
needs, but Gary made it clear that love and interest we share. And of
my needs were to met first. If not, I course we both realize that life has
was quick to ignore myself. And that its invasions from time to time and
in itself was the same as disrespect- some bumps do occur. But Gary is
ing Gary. As much as I needed him so consistent in his observations of
to hold me accountable, I still need- me that a small bump is merely an
ed to adjust to the actual events. Or inconvenience, or sometimes a
as I often heard, “for every action breather. But it is a lifestyle and we
there is an equal and opposite reac- are both committed.64
tion”. It didn't take long for that to
make sense. He was patient. I fell “TAKEN IN HAND IN A NUTSHELL” (12
into trusting him to make the deci- OCTOBER 2003)
sions, knowing he always took my
feelings into account before making Welcome to Taken In Hand, a
them final. He always validated me. website about wholehearted sexual-
It was a year before he spanked ly-exclusive marriages in which the
me. I wanted him to and he was husband wears the trousers and is
taking his time! This was the final firmly in charge (to his wife's de-
piece to my fantasy and he was light!)—and he always puts his wife
moving slowly. He started by spank- and their relationship first. Putting
ing me erotically peppered with her and the relationship first is the
infractions, and for the longest time, key to creating a marriage in which
left me wanting more. I suppose that the man is in control in a good,
since my style is not one of misbe-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
healthy and sustainable way. Taken completely silly. At such times, you
In Hand wives tend not to claim to are probably thinking that if anyone
be submissive (though their hus- deserves punishment, it is your man,
bands may well consider them to be not you, and that might well be true,
so) but they do respect, honour and but it does not follow that you have
appreciate their husbands and strive to view offering yourself in such a
to please them. […]65 negative light. You don't have to
think of it as accepting punishment
“REACHING OUT BY OFFERING YOURSELF” for your man's bad behaviour. You
(12 OCTOBER 2003) don't have to see it as “unfair”. If
you are offering your bottom, you
I have read marvellous descrip- don't have to feel in any way dis-
tions on the internet of how a sharp tressed by it. Instead, you can view
slap (or several!) to the woman's it as a Taken In Hand form of reach-
bottom can sometimes bring the ing out to the man you love, making
woman back into connection with it possible for him to “get back on
her partner if she is beginning to the road again”, as Kathy said. You
withdraw psychologically. Some- can view it as a gift not just to your
how, it snaps the two people back man but to yourself too, because in
into a tender, loving connection. doing this, you can take pleasure in
The same is true (or can be) if it is your strength—you are being the
the man who is the one withdraw- “Big Person” here—as well as in the
ing. Whilst I am not ruling out reestablished intimate connection. It
spanking the man, that is not what I is in your interests (and not just be-
am talking about here. I am suggest- cause it might turn out to be erotic).
ing that the act on the woman's part This is a powerful way to stop any
of submissively offering him her descent into The Silent Treatment.
bottom to receive a spanking can And when you start using it, you not
snap the two of them back into that only feel good about successfully
precious connection. repairing the connection on the oc-
Kathy once pointed out that a lov- casions it gets shaky, you also find
ing husband who realises the under- that there are fewer episodes in
lying cause of such a problem need which the connection gets shaky,
not think of this slap as correcting and that the episodes themselves are
bad behaviour. “If his wife drove the much less serious.
car into a ditch and couldn't get it For anyone whose beloved is not
out,” she explained, “he'd help, Mr Perfect, but who is still worthy of
wouldn't he? In a sense, his wife's your love, I recommend this ap-
brain has gotten into a ditch and she proach, if you can view it the way I
needs his help to get it back on the have suggested. (If not, then obvi-
road again.” ously, don't do it!)
Similarly, it does not matter if you I hope no one will think I am ad-
disagree with your man, or you vocating manipulative control here.
think he is being unreasonable or Attitude is important, and I am spe-
cifically suggesting taking this action
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
in a non-defensive, compassionate, queasy about the romantic language
loving, submissive spirit, as a way of our ancestors, who used the meta-
of reaching out in good faith—as a phors of slavery and devotion una-
bashedly. But is there another lan-
way to end any brewing trouble or
guage with which to speak of love?
bad feeling. Wanting to regain or Love does involve two people putting
strengthen a shaky connection is not themselves in the power of each oth-
manipulative. Both of you want to er. [...] The heterosexual act of love
feel close. Neither of you want to does involve women putting them-
feel bad, angry, upset, etc. But when selves literally in the power of men.
something has gone wrong and And we no longer trust enough to do
there is bad feeling brewing between so.”67
you, someone has to step out of the
vicious circle and reach out for “WHEN I'M IN OVERDRIVE...” (14
the connection. You might find that OCTOBER 2003)
if you take that step, your man will
be grateful and glad that you did Often my husband is very busy
and respond so positively that you with business. Particularly now, he
will certainly not regret that you has been very busy at work with his
did.66 corporate year end, combined with
his predictions of numbers for next
“IS THIS A VICTORY?” (13 OCTOBER year. He has not been spending a lot
of time with me.
2003)
When I am left to my own devices,
Power and Love quotes this interest- and the world at large has me mak-
ing article from Salon.com:
* ing executive decisions that require
modified changes, I start to rev up. I
“Women secretly want men with start to think faster, expect things to
authority, but they fall for insecure happen to me faster, and start to
passive-aggressive guys who view process faster. I also start to see
every aspect of life as a power strug- things faster, and I come to feel pres-
gle, or for cranky killjoys or petty sured. All this is not really happen-
sadists [....] The women have won, if
ing, it is simply my perception.
you've won when you have worse sex
than your grandmother did. Secretly Now, when Gary is readily availa-
they don't find these men very excit- ble and I get to talk over events as
ing, either. And they don't feel femi- they happen, he slows things down.
nine when they're with them. [...] We talk and I am given opportunity
What's often lost in the insistence on to voice my own thoughts and then
equality is quality—how the people come to a conclusion without feeling
feel about each other, how much love pressured.
they can give each other. We now feel
When he is busy and not as availa-
ble, I seem to move into overdrive.
* See:
Now, he does eventually come
<https://web.archive.org/web/2010052
home. He spends time observing
0060054/http://www.salon.com/s- me, and finding out just how fast I
ex/feature/2003/10/01/marlowe> am working. He tells me I'm going
105
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
too fast. He pins me with his eyes A friend once described me as “a
and tells me to slow down. shrew longing to be tamed”. Whilst I
We both recognize that I need to thought the “shrew” bit an egre-
unload, and I spend a day or so tell- gious slur on my soft, sweet femi-
ing him everything that comes into nine nature, I confess that I found
my mind that I would like him to the “longing to be tamed” bit sur-
know, often important items. prisingly perspicacious for a man.
Well, it seems I am at my happiest (Oops, that just slipped out!)
when my world is very small. Actu- Perhaps it will come as no sur-
ally when my world is about 6'3", or prise, therefore, to learn that my
Gary size. During our nightly transi- favourite Shakespeare play is The
tion he guides me into a relaxed Taming of the Shrew, the one that not
state. I am stroked, talked to and even the venerable Royal Shake-
gentled. Then I am taken into the speare Company now dares to in-
bedroom where I am told to be terpret correctly. They do, howev-
very submissive. I am not to speak, I er, admit that “a recent box office
am now completely focused on what survey suggests that it is Shake-
is expected of me. speare's second most popular play
I am usually spanked, or cropped, with audiences at the RSC.”
and often hard. It is in this connec- My guess is that this popularity
tion, this ritual over his lap, the sen- owes very little to the current RSC
sation of his hand stroking my bot- production directed by Gregory
tom. His arms that I lay in and re- Doran. As I watched this production
cover and connect and give up my in Stratford Upon Avon recently, I
busyness. found myself wondering whether
He asserts himself in the most gen- anyone involved had actually both-
tle yet dominant of ways. So in a ered to read the play and think
way, he solves my problem of not about what it means. I was amazed
being my usual happy self, and by their misinterpretation. Women
brings me all the security I crave, go to see The Taming of the Shrew
establishes his role as leader and because they are intrigued by the
comforts us both by paying atten- idea of Petruchio, the main male
tion.68 character, who is calm, confident,
determined, and dominant, without
“THE TAMING OF THE SHREW” (15 having to appear intimidating
OCTOBER 2003) or bullying. The RSC's current
Petruchio is a bumbling, weak, in-
“Thou must be married to no man but me, competent fool who appears to fail
For I am he born to tame you, Kate entirely to tame the shrew, the title
And bring you from a wild Kate” of the play notwithstanding. In 1988,
- The Taming of the Shrew, by Jonathan Miller said:
William Shakespeare: Act II Sc
i. 277 I think it's an irresponsible and silly
thing to make that play into a femi-
nist tract. It is not simply the high

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jinks of an intolerably selfish man You lie in faith, for you are called
who was simply destroying a woman plain Kate,
to satisfy his own vanity, but a sac- And bonny Kate, and sometimes
ramental view of marriage. Kate the curst:
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in
And indeed, the production I rec- Christendom,
ommend is the 1980s BBC TV one by Kate of Kate-hall, my super-dainty
Jonathan Miller. It is available on Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and
DVD and video in America, and
therefore Kate,
(dramatically cheaper when I last Take this of me, Kate of my conso-
looked) from the RSC online store in lation,
England. It is exquisite, full of fa- Hearing thy mildness praised in
mous faces, and stars John Cleese, of every town,
all people, as Petruchio. Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beau-
In this masterful interpretation, ty sounded,
Cleese is hilariously witty, as one Yet not so deeply as to thee be-
longs,
would expect, but he is more than
Myself am moved to woo thee for
that. He manages to capture the full my wife.
richness of Petruchio's character so
well that even if you are not inter- The dialogue continues with Kate
ested in The Taming of the Shrew, replying:
this production is worth seeing just
for the evidence that Cleese is a Moved, in good time, let him that
phenomenally good actor. His moved you hither
Petruchio woos Katherina, the Remove you hence: I knew you at
shrew, with gentleness and good the first You were a movable.
Petruchio: “Why, what's a mova-
humour backed by total confidence
ble?” [One who is easily moved]
and a little highly politically- Kate: “A joint stool” [A stool made
incorrect force at times. It never by a craftsman]
seems to occur to him that Kate Petruchio: “Thou hast hit it: come
might get the better of him, even sit on me.”
when she is resisting most loudly Kate: “Asses are made to bear, and
and angrily. When at last so are you.” [“to bear” means to carry
she submits, he is tender and loving passengers, and also carry children
i.e., she is taunting him by calling him
with her, and the passion between
an ass and a woman]
the two is evident. Petruchio: “Women are made to
To tempt you to consider seeing bear, and so are you” [bear children
this fabulous production, here are plus support a man during sexual in-
some of my favourite lines from the tercourse]
play. Notice Katherina's sharp wit at
the beginning... then read her final Each time Katherina snaps at him,
speech: Petruchio ignores her snapping and
Petruchio says: mildly calls her “sweet Kate, gentle
Kate” and tells her that he is going
to marry her. Here is another fun bit:

107
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Is straight, and slender, and as
Petruchio: “Come, come you Wasp, brown in hue
y'faith you are too angry” As hazelnuts, and sweeter than the
Kate: “If I be waspish, best beware kernels:
my sting” Oh let me see thee walk: thou dost
Petruchio: “My remedy is then to not halt [i.e., limp]
pluck it out”
Kate: “I, if the fool could find it After yet more banter, Petruchio
where it lies” concludes:
Petruchio: “Who knows not where
a Wasp does wear his sting? In his Marry so I mean sweet Katherine in
tail.” [note the “tail” pun!] thy bed:
Kate: “In his tongue?” And therefore setting all this chat
Petruchio: “Whose tongue?” aside,
Kate: “Yours if you talk of tails, and Thus in plain terms: your father
so farewell.” hath consented
Petruchio: “What with my tongue That you shall be my wife; your
in your tail. Nay, come again, good dowry agreed on,
Kate, I am a Gentleman,” And will you, nill you [i.e., whether
Kate: “That I'll try.” you like it or not], I will marry you.
She strikes him. Now Kate, I am a husband for your
Petruchio: “I swear I'll cuff you if turn [i.e., suitable for you],
you strike again.” For by this light, whereby I see thy
beauty,
And so the banter goes on, witty Thy beauty that doth make me like
riposte after witty riposte. Unde- thee well,
terred, Petruchio says: Thou must be married to no man
but me.
I find you passing [i.e., very] gentle: For I am he am born to tame you
'Twas told me you were rough, and Kate,
coy [i.e., disdainful], and sullen, And bring you from a wild Kate to
And now I find report a very liar: a Kate
For thou art pleasant, gamesome Conformable as other houshold
[i.e., spirited, fun], passing courteous, Kates:
But slow in speech: yet sweet as Here comes your father, never
spring-time flowers. make denial,
Thou canst not frown, thou canst I must, and will have Katherine to
not look askance, my wife.
Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches [...]
will, Petruchio: “Father, 'tis thus, your
Nor hast thou pleasure to be cross self and all the world
in talk: That talked of her, have talked
But thou with mildness entertain'st amiss of her:
[i.e., receive] thy wooers, If she be curst, it is for policy,
With gentle conference [i.e., con- For she's not froward, but modest
versation], soft, and affable. as the Dove,
Why does the world report that She is not hot, but temperate as the
Kate doth limp? morn,
Oh slanderous world: Kate like the For patience she will prove a se-
hazel twig cond Grissell,
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
And Romane Lucrece for her chas- On their wedding day, he firmly
tity: takes control. A wedding feast has
And to conclude, we have agreed been prepared, but Petruchio an-
so well together,
nounces that he and Kate will not be
That upon Sunday is the wedding
day” staying for the feast. To which Kate
replies:
Kate: “I'll see thee hanged on Sun-
day first.” “Do what thou canst, I will not go
today,
Gre: “Hark Petruchio, she says No, nor tomorrow, not till I please
she'll see thee hanged first!” myself,
The door is open sir, there lies your
Tra: “Is this your speeding? nay way,
then goodnight our part.” You may be jogging while your
boots are green:
Petruchio: “Be patient gentlemen. I For me, I'll not be gone till I please
choose her for myself, myself.”
If she and I be pleased, what's that
to you? ' But as she is about to march
Tis bargained twixt vs twain being off defiantly to the wedding feast,
alone, Petruchio holds her back, saying:
That she shall still be curst in com-
pany. “They shall go forward Kate at thy
I tell you 'tis incredible to believe command, [...]
How much she loves me: oh the But for my bonny Kate, she must
kindest Kate, with me:
She hung about my neck, and kiss Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor
on kiss stare, nor fret,
She vied so fast, protesting oath on I will be master of what is mine
oath [i.e., kissed me for every kiss I own.”
gave her],
That in a twinkle she won me to her To the others at the wedding,
love. Petruchio explains:
Oh you are novices, 'tis a world to
see “She is my goods, my chattels, she
How tame when men and women is my house,
are alone, My houshold-stuff, my field, my
A meacocke [i.e., cowardly] wretch barn,
can make the curstest shrew: My horse, my ox, my ass, my any
Give me thy hand Kate, I will go thing,
unto Venice And here she stands, touch her
To buy apparel 'gainst the wedding whoever dare,
day [i.e., in anticipation of the wed- I'll bring mine action on the proud-
ding day]. est he that stops my way in Padua:
Provide the feast father, and bid the Grumio Draw forth thy weapon,
guests, we are beset with thieves.
I will be sure my Katherine shall be Rescue thy Mistress if thou be a
fine.” man:

109
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Fear not sweet wench, they shall But that our soft conditions, and
not touch thee Kate, our hearts,
I'll buckler thee against a Million.” Should well agree with our external
parts?
In the final scene, Kate valiantly Come, come, you forward and un-
defends their relationship in this able worms,
classic monologue: My mind hath bin as big as one of
yours,
“Thy husband is thy Lord, thy life, My heart as great, my reason hap-
thy keeper, pily more,
Thy head, thy sovereign: To bandy word for word, and
One that cares for thee, frown for frown;
And for thy maintenance. But now I see our Lances are but
Commits his body straws:
To painful labour, both by sea and Our strength as weak, our weak-
land: ness past compare,
To watch the night in storms, the That seeming to be most, which we
day in cold, indeed least are.
Whilst thou liest warm at home, se- Then vale your stomachs, for it is
cure and safe, no boot,
And craves no other tribute at thy And place your hands below your
hands, husband's foot:
But love, faire looks, and true obe- In token of which duty, if he please,
dience; My hand is ready, may it do him
Too little payment for so great a ease.”
debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the UPDATE: Adam, of singlesouth-
Prince, ernguy.com, describes the above
Even such a woman oweth to her article as:
husband:
And when she is frorward, peevish, “[A] quite delicious exploration of
sullen, sour, one of the most loved Shakespearean
And not obedient to his honest will, pieces of all time, The Taming of the
What is she but a foul contending Shrew. [M]y personal favorite version
Rebel, is the Richard Burton/Elizabeth Tay-
And graceless Traitor to her loving lor film.”
Lord?
I am ashamed that women are so Thanks, Adam! However, I fear I
simple, must take issue with you on the Bur-
To offer war, where they should ton/Taylor version. Burton's
kneel for peace:
Petruchio is a most unattractive
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and
sway,
drunken lout who shouts altogether
When they are bound to serve, too much and has no finesse and no
love, and obey. subtlety whatsoever. He might as
Why are our bodies soft, and weak, well have been playing a gladiator
and smooth, in one of those 1960s gladiator films.
Unapt to toil and trouble in the I had the distinct impression that
world, Burton and Taylor were simply

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
playing themselves, fighting non- his own Greek tragedy—discovers
stop, instead of playing Shake- the secret too late.
speare's characters. That is not a In one case, a writer whose wife
compliment! It was tiring and unin- was packing to leave him finally
teresting to watch, and horribly dat- gave her the spanking he thought
ed, I thought, what with the dread- she had always deserved. Likewise,
ful singing and other music. What a famous Hollywood actor is said to
am I missing?69 have, at last, spanked his tempera-
mental wife in the office of the law-
“THE DUAL FAILURES OF MEN” (16 yer handling their divorce!
OCTOBER 2003) In both instances briefly described
above, that which the man did
Men are given to two curious— was—while neither episode brought
and seemingly contradictory— further recriminations from the
failures in dealing with women. On wife—insufficient to save his mar-
the one hand, they exhibit impa- riage. While, perhaps, not too little,
tience, frequently characterized by the man's valiant efforts came too
expecting too much too soon. Then, late.
given his impatience on the one Conversely, men have been known
hand, a man often exhibits a re- to spank early in the relationship
markable reluctance to spank the without doing so with convincing
woman who tries his patience on the vigor. The wife whose husband is
other. not really getting through to her is
That men are impatient is well not likely to plainly tell him, “Look,
known. From sex to shopping trips, Honey, your limp wrist isn't getting
women are often heard to complain it; what I really need is a good
about how little patience men exhib- thrashing that'll remind me who's
it. boss when I sit down tomorrow!”
What baffles a woman is the toler- There are simply some things that a
ance with which an otherwise often woman expects a man to figure out
impatient man endures her woman- for himself—sometimes, in spite of
ly wiles. It is a curious behavior that her objections!
women find to be at least as baf- The failure of men in these two
fling—if not altogether as madden- important areas may be traced to the
ing—as the better-known penchant same cause—a failure to pay atten-
of males to be impatient. tion. Women often drop subtle—
The failure of a man to spank a and, sometimes, not so subtle—hints
provocative woman in a timely regarding their needs. The wise man
manner is but the reverse side of learns to pay attention to these. The
men's impatience in that men also foolish man ignores them at great
often give too little too late. In this risk to the relationship.
regard, there is a recurring theme in Although rarely explicit, a woman
which a man—almost as living out will frequently give implicit permis-
sion to a man to do whatever is nec-
essary to keep the relationship to-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
gether. She then expects him to act the behaviour of the wife? Have you
on her permission just as surely as if ever cringed because you have
she put the implement in his hands found yourself acting or sounding
and presented herself to be disci- like her?
plined or punished at his pleasure. If Well, for controlling women, for
the man fails to act in a timely fash- women who feel like they married
ion, whatever love the woman has morons, who are disillusioned, feel-
for him will, in time, crumble into a ing like the only adult in the house,
loathing for which there is no hu- feeling martyred, stressed out, and
man cure. overwhelmed, there is help.
If she has not been abused, a Help comes in the form of a pa-
woman wants to be handled. She perback book called The Surrendered
craves the attention and protection Wife, by Laura Doyle. The book dis-
of a man. To this end, she will pick a cusses concrete ways to increase
man whom she believes able to pro- intimacy in your relationship, and
tect her from all else—including help you recall why you married
herself—and will remain loyal to him in the first place. It advocates
her. self-care: taking care of yourself so
The man able to remain loyal, you”re not so stressed out, and also
while dealing decisively with the to fill your time more so you”re not
woman's wiles, is the man of her waiting for hubby to make you hap-
dreams. Knowing such a man to be a py.
rare catch in a fickle world, she will The website for the book is a good
prize him above all else. It is strange place to begin. There are two chap-
that men have lost the capacity to ters from the book excerpted there,
understand what women have and a quiz to see where you stand
known all along.70 now in the controlling department.
Remember, this is for you, so be as
“AMERICAN BEAUTY MEETS THE SURREN- honest with yourself as possible.
DERED WIFE” (16 OCTOBER 2003) Think about it: that couple from
the movie, American Beauty, could
Picture the couple, laughing and have saved their marriage had they
talking. They share a poignant mo- gone through with the lovemaking.
ment, and suddenly find themselves Surrendering is about letting go of
locked in a passionate embrace. It the things that don”t matter quite so
looks like they”re going to really go much, in favor of closeness and real
for it...clothes are being tugged off, intimacy with your spouse. OK, so
lips can”t seem to hold still…until it”s an expensive couch. I”m sure
she looks over and says, “You”re it”s Scotch-guarded, And it cleans
going to spill that beer on the up. Or the stain would be a lovely
couch.” reminder of a wonderful time the
This was a scene from American two of them shared.71
Beauty. For those who have seen it,
didn't you just cringe when you saw “THE PATH” (17 OCTOBER 2003)
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Domestic discipline embraces the As a 6 foot male of 100kgs of mus-
natural unity of masculine domi- cle, the base physical reality is that I
nance and feminine submission. could take any woman I desired. Yet
That forms a starting point. Domi- I would not do this. I would nev-
nance and submission. Words that er hurt in such a manner. Yet physi-
have been contaminated by associa- cal reality is not changed by this.
tion with BDSM practices. Warped And so the idea of silly little girls,
by the fear driven ideology of femi- ensconced in their own private delu-
nism. And in general, wholly and sion, running around calling them-
tragically misunderstood, across selves mistress and dominatrix is
society, and the media which pan- one that always brings a smile to my
ders to it. (Though sometimes I think face. (As too does the idea of ridicu-
that it is the other way around.) So lous little boys running around call-
that the word dominate, immediate- ing themselves master. A wolf
ly evokes either depraved or hurtful knows what it is and has no need to
connotations. What is not immedi- call itself such. I have looked upon a
ately educed, are thoughts of mascu- woman seeing the knowledge full in
line tenderness and support. Of love her eyes that I owned her, that same
and intimacy. And so too the word simple truth burning in my eyes for
submissive. What springs immedi- her too. Yet have never commanded
ately to the mind of most are either to be called master. Nor had she any
the unregenerate images of BDSM, desire to. She was mine. An unaltera-
or negative associations of weak- ble truth. Beyond such ludicrous
ness, lack of self worth. Not a natu- classifications as master and slave.)
ral state of femininity, innate, bound Then of course there are those are-
to masculine dominance. Not as which incorporate males who call
strength, freedom and fulfilment. themselves submissives, as well as
Yet in meaning this is surely the true the area inhabited by homo/bi/tr-
essence of the word. As truly as that ans sexuality of both genders. Some-
which is not evoked by the word thing so beyond my own ability to
dominate is the reality. comprehend that to try to do so, is,
Let's look at BDSM first. Operating for myself, akin to trying to imagine
on the premise that dominance or the social interplay of alien life on a
submission is something which is planet on the other side of the gal-
adopted in much the same way that axy.
one would put on or take off a coat, It is regrettable that even with-
it ignores completely any associa- in DD circles which eschew most of
tions that would put these qualities what BDSM incorporates, that the
as innate to gender. And then goes classifications of Dom and Sub have
further. Totally ignoring the deep found frequent usage. For this be-
level of love and intimacy, necessary speaks on the part of a woman that
if a woman is to have submission that which is felt at an innate level is
drawn from her. Instead displaying somehow unnatural, or at best a
all the moral vacuity in the interac- fetishistic kink. As a man I do not
tion of the flesh of a swingers' party. refer to myself as a man who desires
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
a woman's body. For it does not in a different manner, as different as
need to be said. It is wholly super- masculine and feminine.) Such a
fluous. For that very desire I feel is view inspired by both a fear of mas-
the reason all of us exist today. culinity, and the natural bond femi-
A man looking upon a woman ninity creates as it merges with it,
with desire, wanting to take her. A along with the dogmatic psychosis
woman looking upon a man with of lesbianism, has permeated socie-
desire. Wanting to be taken. ty, albeit in a less shrill, strident
In the same manner. A natural de- form.
sire to be dominated by a male. To And yet a woman who is truly
have submission drawn from her. Is dominated, truly owned by a man, is
wholly inherent to a woman, to the not weak. Indeed she knows her
female animal she is. An animal, as greatest strength. Loved and sup-
much governed by these preor- ported, cherished. She is in a posi-
dained innate characteristics as is the tion to realise all her dreams. To be
male animal. all that she can be. Wholly secure in
A woman would not refer to her- her femininity, in her self worth. For
self as a woman with breasts. Yet the that is what nurturing masculine
submission she feels arise within her dominance desires above all else.
in response to male dominance is as I have drawn submission from
natural and innate a part of her. Yet women with my strength and domi-
feeling the need to justify what is nance, yet never have I beheld
felt, in the face of the lingering dele- weakness.
terious associations given by BDSM, A domineering man however pos-
feminism and general societal views, sessed of only weakness, seeks to
the self classification “Sub”, which is suppress all that a woman might be.
tacitly apologetic, is given. Yet the Hiding from his fears and insecuri-
reality is of course that a woman ties and the deep self loathing they
need not say such a thing. Need not bring in the safety he feels at the
say, “I am a submissive woman.” delusion of power over another. A
But instead merely say, “I am a woman, victim of such a man, does
woman.” not exist in a state of submission,
Then there are the views ham- rather subjugation. A strong, domi-
mered into women by the feminazis, nant man, knows who he is. And has
(who take the wholly amazing no need to belittle his woman.
standpoint of saying a woman can Something else which is also tragi-
be anything she wants to be [which cally misbelieved by so many wom-
is true], but only as long she wishes en is the imagined idea that submis-
to be what we dictate she should sion can be given. That it is their
want to be), that submission is in- responsibility to give it whether to a
herently bad. That reliance upon a husband or a boyfriend. A misbelief
male is irrevocably weak. (Never which occasions so many letters to
minding the fact that a male in a DD lists. Women asking how they
wholly intimate union with a wom- might do this, in the mistaken hope
an is just as reliant upon her, albeit
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
that they will be provided with dreams, his truths. This is a journey
some sort of magical key. of discovery that each man must
As a man I could not force myself walk alone.
to feel either desire or love for a Now we come to the issue of
woman for whom I felt nothing. Any spanking. One that while not central
more than I could force myself to to DD (a woman could be spanked
feel anticipatory desire for a food for a thousand years by a man who
which disgusts me (sushi), or force did not cause submission to arise
myself to feel that sensation of elec- within her heart, and feel nothing
tricity poured down over the flesh of but physical pain, whereas with one
the spine and out along the limbs in glance from the man to whom
response to a piece of music that she belongs, she can feel submission
speaks directly to my soul, when arise within her so strongly that she
what assailed my ears held all the trembles) is certainly an important
audible appeal of a cat being pulled component.
backwards through a chain link Why over the knees?
fence. A question often asked.
So too a woman cannot force her- We are physical beings and in the
self to feel submission. Anymore intimacies of the flesh, different po-
than she could force herself to feel sitions evoke different emotional
any of these other emotions. A responses. Take sexual positions.
woman knows when she is in the The emotional response occasioned
presence of a man, as opposed to a by the missionary position, one of
little boy in an adult body. This tenderness and intimacy, differs
knowledge is wholly helpless in its greatly from that which is occa-
instinctual nature. As too is submis- sioned by the doggy position. Where
sion. When a woman feels submis- raw animal passion and abandon-
sion drawn from her in response to a ment comes to the fore. No-one
man's strength, dominance and ten- questions as to why this occurs. It is
derness, she stands wholly power- simply acknowledged that some
less in its path, swept away, con- physical positions will naturallyarise
sumed. different emotions within us. So too
A woman has no responsibility to then the act of being taken across the
give submission to a man. Rather it knees, held there. It is a position
is the man that must be possessed of which naturally evokes feelings of
the strength great enough to take vulnerability, submissiveness, and
hold of this her most precious of surrender to masculine pow-
gifts and draw it from her. Correlat- er within a woman. And feelings of
ing to this, a man cannot be taught dominance, possession and power
to be dominant, to be strong, by a within a man. But that is but one
woman. A man must discover who minor component. The physical pain
he is and what he believes, and that comes as the result of the spank-
whether or not he has the courage to ing will, depending upon how the
stand strong and alone against the spanking is given (which is related
world and pursue his desires, his directly to the reason for the spank-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ing being given) evoke a wide range resistance, that will prevent her from
of emotional responses. From heated receiving one.
desire through to complete intimacy, In truth such spankings should be
security and reassurance. rare. For the disobedience that
It is at this point that distinction would occasion one to be given does
should be given between the two not simply arise out of nowhere.
types of spankings. Those of pun- And a man who is attentive to his
ishment spankings. And those of woman and intuitive of her needs,
Reassurance spankings. (Referred to will see the beginnings of such diso-
by some as maintenance spankings. bedience, manifesting itself in a va-
A term obviously coined by some riety of minor ways, as a woman
half-wit. Maintenance is something naturally pushes out against her
you perform on a car. Not a wom- man, wanting to feel the solid reas-
an.) surance of his dominance, of his
Punishment spankings occur when love, around her.
a woman without good reason, has Here what is required is a Reas-
been disobedient or disrespectful to surance spanking. A term which
the man to whom she belongs. And covers the spectrum, from those
has broken a command that he has spankings given in masculine desire,
issued. When this behaviour occurs the desire to simply have her across
it is always known by a woman. his knees. To those that occur in re-
And in such circumstances she sponse to feminine desire. The de-
must always receive a punishment sire, the need, to feel his dominance
spanking. Always. over her, the physical acting as a
Without consistency in enforcing doorway by which far deeper emo-
what he himself has commanded of tional levels may be reached.
his woman, and taking her over his A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER
knees, a man wholly fails his wom- HAVE TO ASK FOR THIS NEED
an, himself and their relationship. TO BE MET.
For when this does not occur, a Physical arousal at the pain expe-
woman is denied feeling the loving, rienced during Reassurance spank-
nurturing, ever constant embrace of ings (which can be of varied intensi-
his dominance. ty, but never approach that which is
A punishment spanking is not to experienced in a Punishment spank-
be taken lightly. And for the extreme ing) is normal and should not be
physical pain they bring, coupled thought of as masochistic deviance.
with the emotional pain at the feel- A woman does not get up in the
ing of having failed her man and middle of the night to go to the bath-
herself, they are feared greatly by a room and stub her toe, and as a re-
woman. A fear which brings with it sult start hopping around in pain,
the knowledge that if by her behav- while all the while feeling orgasm
iour she earns one, then there is exploding within her. But the
nothing that she can do, either by thought of being takenacross her
way of pleading, or even physical man's knees, of the feeling of being
wholly and utterly his. Of associat-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ing this with the pain that such a I keep a clean and beautiful home.
Reassurance spanking will bring, I do it for myself, but I do it for any-
will naturally cause many women to one living there, as I want everyone
feel heated arousal. Purely then it is to feel they deserve to live with
the association of the pain, the con- beauty and order. It doesn't have to
text within which it occurs which be luxurious, but all I can do. And I
causes arousal to be felt. At a base also do tons of “extras” for my
level the act of penis entering vagina daughter that really are little rituals.
is the same whether it occurs during Is that a mom thing? I don't think so.
the act of rape, or the act of making I think it is from individual women,
love. It is the context within which it and what she feels like giving her
occurs and the associations that this child. I do it for Gary as well.
brings that makes all the difference. Those little tiny things that mean
On the issue of feeling arousal at the little but are so noticed. My daugh-
pain of a Reassurance spanking it is ter is always so thrilled when she
exactly the same. finds my little treasures, a new little
All that has been written so far, soap, or nail stickers. But I am not
has barely scratched the surface of the normal mom apparently, and I
the multitudinous issues that arise don't go around saying what I do. So
within DD. Particularly this last sec- many women say they just don't
tion. Which gave only the barest have time nor inclination to do that
outline of a woman's emotional re- sort of stuff. I always nod, but I do it.
sponse to the act of being spanked. My daughter sees some of these
Of her natural need and desire for it. teenagers who live on the street, and
This was done for the sake of brevi- she doesn't know why they just
ty. For this area is one which, to ad- don't go home to their soft sheets
equately cover with any appreciable and bubble baths. My daughter is
depth, would require a body of writ- only 6 and I'm not ready to explain
ing, which, would make what as the ways of the world to her yet, but
been written so far, be as merely a I don't ever want her lost to the
solitary grain of sand against the street. Hence my little rituals are for
entire Sahara. me as well.
Yet it is my hope that some who
have read what is written will derive “MY FASCINATING JOURNEY” (18
personal benefit from my beliefs, my
OCTOBER 2003)
words. Though I do not hold for a
moment that all will. This journey I am a about to de-
Though the same song is played, scribe is one that I am still on. It is
each ear, each heart, perceives a very the journey I have taken after read-
different tune.72
ing Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen
Andelin. I began my married life at
“CHERISHING THE FAMILY: LITTLE THINGS the age of 16. I was pregnant, full of
HAVE BIG EFFECTS” (18 OCTOBER 2003) ideals, totally in love, and complete-
ly confident I was ready to create the
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
family life I had always dreamed of. break a man if we only have the
Little did I know, that it would take courage to try.
years of struggle to find out just how I have been married going on
to focus my efforts to achieve what I twelve years now, and we have four
wanted so badly, a marriage wonderful children. Our life is rich,
grounded in Celestial Love. strong and incredibly happy. My
It goes without saying that I was marriage is now what I always
completely ignorant of how to truly dreamed of. It is real.
meet a man's needs. I had so many I pray that those of you who are
things backwards. I was strong searching, but don't even realize you
when I should have been weak, and are searching, will read Fascinating
weak when I should have been Womanhood.73
strong. It seemed the only times I
could see true love in my husband's “I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT
eyes was when I threatened to leave
MAN” (19 OCTOBER 2003)
him. Only then, could I find that
look of intense passion that burned
I am a really difficult individual.
inside him and made him seem al-
I'm very highly strung, argumenta-
most angry for loving me so deeply.
tive, passionate, clever and willing
Since reading Fascinating Woman-
to use that as a weapon and I'm not
hood, I have learned to grow up and exactly a shrinking violet physically
be a woman about the things I need- either, I'm tall, very fit and strong. I
ed to, and lighten up and be a girl know I scare most men witless. And
about things I didn't. I no longer subconsciously I have been looking
have to waste my energy trying to for a man who isn't cowered into
be what I want to be, what the world submission by me for my whole
says I should be, and what I think adult life. That has led me to a lot of
my husband wants me to be. Now, I complete idiots—generally they are
know what I need to be for my hus- so tied up in their own little world
band. FW gave me the key to finding that they are simply too disinterest-
out what went on inside him. It ed in anybody else to feel intimidat-
taught me what makes a man feel ed by them. Not a good start and
like a man. This is what they are all certainly not the type you want to
searching for deep in their hearts. start talking to about getting to the
I feel this struggle is universal. soft and cuddly vulnerable bits in-
Maybe we don't all have the same side.
challenges, but we have equal suf- I can't believe how lucky I've been
fering in our journey to find true finding Mark. He has his faults but
love. If you think, like I did, that he is so strong and centred and emo-
your marriage couldn't have been a tionally intelligent that opening up
crueler joke, than it's time you took a to him comes quite naturally and
closer look. As women, we have easily. We've done a fair amount of
invisible influence that can make or fighting over the past couple of
years, mainly because I kept on pick-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ing them. I must have given him strength is to see that really you are
some hints without realising it that I a woman crying out not to have to
didn't want to win the battle for su- hold up the whole world all on your
premacy within our household and own and that you need a safe haven
luckily for me he came to the whole with somebody to take some of the
idea of this lifestyle for us. Once load off for you by taking decisions
we'd commenced on this journey and taking control. Once you've got
though, I realised it is exactly what there, you can talk to him and ask
I've been looking for. him to try implementing some of
I've fantasised for years about be- that control by spanking if that is
ing spanked, truth be told since what you want.74
childhood. I don't know that I ever
wanted that fantasy to be acted out “IS HE WHO (OR WHERE) HE SAYS HE
though. Now it has, the reality of a IS?” (20 OCTOBER 2003)
punishment, of being put over my
husband's knee and ending up cry- [Editor's note: This first sec-
ing, bruised and in pain is a huge tion is by The Boss. The second
distance from those fantasies—they section is by Robin. Both were
were really I guess about erotic written some years ago so some
spankings, they certainly did not things they have said may no
involve bruises and an inability to longer apply. Nowadays, if
wear tight jeans for several days meeting someone online you
after! should interact with him or her
I didn't tell Mark about any of this in a video chat at the first op-
until after he had first caned me. He portunity. It is important that it
said that he didn't feel that what he be video not just audio, because
was going to deliver had anything to you will get a lot more infor-
do with titillation and that the whole mation if you can see the per-
point is the lifestyle we live and the son. You might also like to ask
fact that we are both working to- the person to let you talk to
wards him not having to spank me some of his or her friends or
often or at all. family too. That will give you
If you are simply looking for the more information.]
right partner, I don't think that you'll
have the problem of getting into What very simple check can you run
a DD relationship then deciding you on your correspondents to identify
don't want it and feeling like you've at least a proportion of those who
led the guy astray because if you are not who they say they are?
find the right guy you won't be lead-
If you are using the internet to
ing him anywhere—he'll be leading
search for a partner, there are some
you. You don't need to find a guy
things you need to know. Not eve-
who is “into” DD, you need to find a ryone apparently searching for a
guy who has a natural leadership partner on the net is who he or she
quality and whose attitude to your says he or she is, and some of those
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
who say they are looking for a long- want to meet up. There is nothing
term monogamous relationship are worse than getting really close to
saying the same thing to a dozen someone online, only to discover
others too. Of course this applies not that there is zero attraction chemis-
just to the internet: plenty of people try when you meet in person. This
have several so-called monogamous woman claimed that she had had
relationships on the go at any one bad experiences/been abused or
time. But here, we are concentrating something, and that that was why
relationships started online. she was reluctant to meet even after
I want to tell you a cautionary tale a long time, but given the feeling
about a friend of mine, in the hope expressed in her email messages and
that you will not suffer the same chats, this reluctance simply did not
distress he did. This friend of mine, add up.
whom I'll call Joe, met a woman On several occasions, she agreed to
online in a chatroom for people in meet, and then did not turn up. Lat-
his town in England. They chatted er, she always had a perfect ex-
and emailed madly for ages, Joe cuse—car accident, grandmother
falling passionately in love with her. dying, you name it, it sounded plau-
She had sent him her picture sible. But after about the third such
(well, a picture—who can say if it time, I smelt a rat... One thing that
was of her? It is easy to grab a pic- everyone in any kind of relationship
ture of someone else off the net...). needs to keep clear in their mind is
After Joe had well and truly fallen that actions speak louder than
for her, and was in a terrible state words and if a person's actions belie
because she kept either refusing to their words, it is the actions you
meet him or cancelling dates, he should believe, not the words.
discovered that far from being a 35 Another friend of mine fell apart
year old accountant in England, this over a woman who was extremely
person (we still don't know if it was friendly to him whenever they met,
a woman....) was writing from a looking deeply into his eyes and
university server in the USA. It was appearing to find him so very inter-
probably a student. esting.... and yet somehow, she nev-
I mention this story because there er quite got around to seeing him
were some big red flags he should alone, on a date. There was always
have seen, and which you should some excuse. Her words said she
not miss yourself if you are in a was very interested indeed; her ac-
similar situation: tions said she wasn't. He should
First, despite writing vast amounts have listened to her actions. Instead,
of email to Joe and chatting a lot, she led him a merry dance that went
and appearing from what she said to nowhere and cost him a fortune in
be extremely keen on Joe, this per- expensive gifts to her, not to men-
son did not meet Joe, not even in a tion a broken heart...
public place for coffee. If a person is But to get back to Joe, eventually, I
really interested, and he or she has got so sick of his angst-ridden phone
nothing to hide, they are going to calls to me about this woman whose
120
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
actions did not seem to me con- months to find out that they are not
sistent with her words, that I per- who they say they are!
suaded Joe to run the most basic In case you have no idea what I
check on her, just to rule out my mean by the “full headers”?, here is
hunch that she was not who she said an example of the headers of a hypo-
she was. thetical message. I have replaced
Joe was at first very angry with me some identifying features with xxx
for suggesting that she wasn't genu- and yyy and changed the numbers
ine. After all, he had her home ad- etc:
dress, and he had driven past her
house and seen her BMW outside,  Received: from xxxx.xxxx.com
and she really seemed to know (xxxx.xxxx.com [xxx.xx.183.6])
by yyy.xxxx.com (x.11.6/x.9.3)
about accountancy so she must be an
with ESMTP id xxxxxxxxxxx
accountant, right? And surely she
for [email address]; Tue, 1 Oct
must be in England, because her 2002 10:13:39 -0700 (PDT)
email address was a yahoo.co.uk  Received: from mta06-
one, right? Wrong! You can get a svc.ntlworld.com (62.253.162.46)
yahoo.co.uk address whether or not by xxxx.xxxx.com (MX V5.3
you are in the UK. You can get a AnHh) with ESMTP for [email ad-
yahoo.com address whether or not dress]; Tue, 1 Oct 2002 10:13:40 -
you are in the USA. And if you have 0800
 Received: from [10.0.1.1]
visited a place, you might know that
([80.3.241.216]) by mta06-
there is often a BMW parked outside svc.ntlworld.com
the house. (InterMail vM.4.01.03.xxxxx-229-
So when you get into a corre- xxx-127-20010xxx) with ESMTP id
spondence with a potential partner Tue, 1 Oct 2002 18:13:31 +0100
on the internet, the first thing you  MIME-Version: 1.0
should do is to determine where  Message-ID: xxx
their email is coming from. This is  Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 18:13:12
usually very easy, but just knowing +0100
the domain name in the From: line is
You will normally find at least two
not enough. From line domain
lines in a row that start with “Re-
names do not necessarily reflect the
ceived:”?; if not, you are probably
geographical location from which
not seeing the full headers. And if
the email is being sent. (The domain
name is something like: “company- they are not all together—if there is
a “Date:”? or a “Message-ID:”? or
namehere.com”?. The domain name
anything else in the middle—then
of Taken In Hand is takeninhand.c-
the lower ones are fake; ignore them,
om.)
and be suspicious.
Here's what to do:
For each message, look for the
Gather together the email messag-
es you have from the person, and lowest “Received:”? line. This is the
look at the full headers. Do this early earliest (even if the times do not
in your correspondence! Don't wait agree, since computers often have
their clocks set incorrectly), and it
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tells you where the message origi- install on your computer to do the
nated. It won't necessarily look ex- same thing; current examples in-
actly like the one here, but it will clude Neotrace, Net Tool Box, and
normally contain an IP address—four OT Tool. Mac OS X comes with a
numbers with dots in between, like utility called Network Utility. Simp-
10.0.1.1 or 80.3.241.216 in the exam- ly paste the IP address into the box
ple. under “Lookup”?.
If there is more than one IP ad- If you do that for my example, the
dress in the line, then one of them IP address 80.3.241.216 resolves to
will start in one of these three ways: the domain name…*
10.x.y.z, or 192.168.0.z or, less com- This means that this hypothetical
monly, 172.a.b.c (with abeing a message would have come from
number between 16 and 31). This is customer 216 of NTL.com in Oxford,
perfectly normal; all it tells you is UK.
that there may be more than one When a person is using dialup ac-
computer in the home or workplace cess, you should expect to see differ-
sharing an internet connection. Ig- ent IP addresses in different messag-
nore that IP address, and use the es, but if they are all sent via the
other one. In the example, above, same dialup, the IP addresses
you would ignore 10.0.1.1 and use should resolve to the same ISP or
80.3.241.216. other domain—the tail end of the
Now that you have an IP address, domain name will be the same. If the
the next step is to find the domain domain name does not tell you
name that it belongs to. There are much, put the last bit of the domain
different ways to do this, and some into Google, or simply try to go to it
of them depend on the kind of com- as a URL. For example, if you re-
puter system you have. Plenty of ceive a message from an IP address
web sites will do it for you, but they which resolves to a domain
come and go; try searching the web “glorp.burble.pciwest.net”?, and you
for “reverse DNS lookup”?. go to…† you will see that they de-
Most current computers also have scribe themselves as “Providing
a way to do it from a command line: service to over 200 cities in Ore-
on most UNIX or Linux systems, gon”?.
and on Windows NT or XP, type If the person writes from several
“nslookup 80.3.241.216”?; on Mac OS different places, such as home, work,
X and some Linux versions, type a friend's house, on holiday in
“dig -x 80.3.241.216”?, without the Greece, etc., depending on the type
quotes, and using the appropriate IP of access he or she has, you would
address in place of 80.3.241.216 in expect to see this reflected in the IP
the example. You could also try address. You would usually expect
“whois 80.3.241.216”?. If you are
uncomfortable typing commands,
there are several readily available * Domain name: <cpc2-oxfd-6-0-
programs you can download and cust216.oxfd.cable.ntl.com>
†
See: <http://www.pciwest.net/>
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
to see different IP addresses. This is from, whether Edinburgh, Paris,
not foolproof though. I have a London or Brussels, all her messages
broadband account with a facility were being sent from a university
for web-based access to my ISP, and server in a particular city in the
if I send email using my ISP's web- USA.
based front end, the originating IP is If you have done this, and there
the same wherever I am in the appears on the face of it to be a dis-
world. But in general, and especially crepancy, it might be that there is a
if they are on a dialup line, resolving perfectly reasonable explanation, so
the IP address will tell you where don't immediately accuse your cor-
they are. People don't usually make respondent of playing games, simp-
international calls into their ISP, they ly ask him or her about it, and sug-
usually use local access. gest that they give you hard evi-
If the person is using AOL to ac- dence that they are where they say
cess the internet (and don't assume they are. No one should be offended
that if there is AOL in the From: line, that you have run this little check,
it is necessarily AOL that is being because we all know that there are
used for access—From: lines can be many many people on the internet
changed) you will not be able to find who are not who they say they are.
out where he or she is writing from, That you might need to do this is
but each AOL customer is of course another reason to do it early in your
known to AOL, as am I to my ISP. correspondence, when it is less like-
If the person is using one of the ly to be taken personally.
major pseudo-anonymous services If you suggest that a man give you
like Yahoo or Hotmail (which are a phone number and permit you to
actually the least anonymous ad- phone him briefly to verify that he is
dresses there are!), then look genuine, and he accuses you of not
through the message headers for a trusting him and says that one
line like “X-Originating-IP: should never give out one's phone
80.3.241.216”?, and look up that IP number to someone on the internet,
address; it tells you where the per- the question in your mind should be:
son was when they connected to the who is it who is doing the not trust-
Yahoo or Hotmail web site. Other ing, here? Why does he not trust you
web-based email services often also with his phone number? He is ask-
provide that information in their ing you to trust him but he is not
headers, but perhaps under a differ- trusting you with a phone number
ent label from “X-Originating-IP”?. or other evidence? This is not a gen-
Had my friend Joe taken this sim- tleman! For that matter, if a man
ple step of resolving the originating won't give you his home phone
IP addresses of the messages sent to number, he may well be married or
him by this woman claiming to live paranoid.
in his town in England, he would Other possible evidence might in-
immediately have noticed that clude where they work. The thing
wherever she said she was writing that persuaded Joe to check his
friend's IP address was that when he
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
phoned her accountancy firm and
asked to speak to her, they had nev- Weeding out the nutters
er heard of her. Or you can do a When using the internet in your
Google search and see what comes search for a man, weeding through
up. Or you can ask for references. I the nutjobs can be a difficult process.
was once invited to stay with a I ended up marrying a conservative
complete stranger in a different man with traditional values whom I
country, after a very short corre- introduced to the idea of domestic
spondence. He did not mind in the discipline. Worked out well on this
slightest my asking for references, count, although he did not warm up
and he put me in touch with his to the idea instantly. I did, however,
good friends, and even found some- meet him on the internet. He actual-
one he knew slightly whom I also ly emailed me based on my profile
knew, and his parents phoned me. (which was not ad-like but did men-
He never once accused me of not tion I was single), so luck or fate was
trusting him. On the contrary, he on my side there. We were living
understood completely that it was thousands of miles away from one
sensible for me to take this responsi- another, but I was already planning
bility for my safety. on moving to where he was at the
If a man refuses to give you any point he contacted me (again, luck or
evidence that he is where/who he fate you pick smile) We ended up
says he is, and accuses you of not talking on the phone 5-6 hours a day
trusting him rather than congratulat- on average for the 6 weeks before it
ing you on your good sense, walk was moving day for me.
away. He is already playing mind The day I returned to my
games. Anyone genuine is not going hometown, he met my stepmom and
to object to your taking sensible pre- brother (who although younger than
cautions of this sort, just as you me has a bit of an intimidating ap-
would not object to potential part- pearance given the bulk of his mus-
ners doing the same with respect to cle) and went down to the airport
you. Some women might be more with them to meet me. I had seen a
reluctant to give their home phone picture, but he was MUCH better
number very early in the corre- looking in person and I had already
spondence, but they should still be liked the picture he'd sent and was
amenable to providing evidence of already falling in love with his per-
some sort. Perhaps they can receive sonality from our conversations. It's
a call at a neighbour's home? Anoth- amazing how we never ran out of
er possibility is that they find a local things to talk about. I ended up rid-
business, hotel or shop whose man- ing with him to my mom's place (I
agement is prepared to permit them was staying with her till I could get
to receive a brief phone call from an apartment) so he ended up meet-
you. This is not at all difficult to ar- ing most of my family that day.
range. If your correspondent's atti- Within a month I was spending
tude suggests that it is, you should most nights at his place... he already
be seeing the red flags flying.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
had a spare bedroom set up for my posters complain that they can get
daughter. Less than 3 months after I their reluctant men to stand up if
met him in person, we married :-) they really kick their butts, but that
and are very happily married a cou- the same men will fall back into their
ple years later. phlegmatic habits at the first given
My advice on weeding through the opportunity.
good and bad is to look for compati- What is wrong with men, they
bilities outside of Taken In Hand. ask? Have they completely lost the
learn about his family, and be on dominant, decisive, proactive, self-
your toes for inconsistencies. If you confident traits that we all consider
start to feel a warning flag, trust masculine? The basic message of this
your instincts and go much slower article is that we have not. We do
or back away altogether. Be wary of have very good reasons to be skepti-
anyone who wants to control you cal of the entire proposition of DD as
right now, or attempts to make you you present it to us, but this is mere-
feel that you should obey him. If he ly because we speak different lan-
is the one for you, that will come in guages and misunderstand each
time, not during the audition pro- other”s motives. Male domi-
cess so to speak. At this moment, nance is the natural state of
you hold the control. Men who are male/female relationships, and
looking for someone with beliefs denying it brings frustration and
such as yours will be willing to be misery to us all. So let”s take a look
patient and help you to feel secure. into the mind of a reluctant male.
Women with conservative values are Why do we (husbands) start exer-
not an easy find these days. I wish cising domestic discipline? We start
you the best of luck.75 when you want us to. This is be-
cause we really want to make you
“WHY MEN START AND WHY THEY STOP” happy, and we are generic provid-
(22 OCTOBER 2003) ers. If you come right out and ask us
for something, then we provide. If
I have been following a number of you ask us for a spanking, we pro-
discussion groups on the subjects of vide. It is as simple as that. Men are
domestic discipline and general simple creatures.
male dominance / female submis- Why do we stop? We stop when
sion for a few years. The first strik- we suspect that we are not making
ing observation when a man joins you happy, or we are not providing
a DD group is the gender distribu- what you want. This is also very
tion. The population of these groups simple. Then why would we suspect
is predominantly female, and many that you do not want a spanking any
of the women express again and more? Well, it is very difficult for a
again a frustration that their hus- man, to whom the idea of being
bands or boyfriends are not exercis- spanked (but not the idea of spank-
ing enough dominance, let alone ing) is a horrible proposition, to un-
discipline, in the relationship. Other derstand your desire for it. So, you
ask for a spanking, and when he
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provides, you moan and cry, and he to it than the spanking. And he
thinks: “See, it is not pleasurable at thinks that you know that too but
all. Better not do that again.” you are refusing to tell him. There
Yes, I know you have probably clearly is more to it. It would not
told him that the pain is the whole really be the relationship you were
point of the spanking, and that you looking for if you had to come out
can handle it, but he has a lot of and ask for a spanking every time
baggage that can give him doubts you thought you needed it and the
and make him very confused: relationship otherwise were busi-
1. You do not hit a woman. To any ness as usual. If you cannot give him
good man, hitting a woman is about a clear answer to what that “more”
as low as you can sink. Believe me, is, then there is a big chance that he
you do not want to be with a man will not take the significant risks he
who likes to hit women. thinks are involved in the activity. It
2. You do not pick on somebody is very much like not going for a ride
weaker than yourself. Most women in your car if the windshield is fro-
are significantly physically inferior zen over, and you cannot see clearly.
to most men. You don't do that because the risk
3. Consensual spanking is not vio- for you and others is too high.
lence, but to the untrained observer Answering the question of what
it looks a lot like it. Most good men that “more” is, is not an easy task.
loathe the idea of having to resort to Just look at the number of posts in
brute force to get what they want. It DD groups discussing what precise-
is a defeat. You do not want to be ly DD is. This is why I lean towards
with a man who can only assert a more simple explanation: DD is a
himself through physical strength. specific implementation of D/s
4. We have no desire to hurt the (dominance and submission), and
ones we love. the latter is simply a relationship
5. Who want to think of himself as where the power to some degree in
a wife-beater? transferred from one partner to the
These blockings will stop a lot of other. It's not perfect, but it's better
men before they even get started. than no explanation at all.
This is especially true if the woman My own wife is a hinter. Years ago
only hints her desire to be spanked. back in our egalitarian times she
To paraphrase Rowan Atkinson, a once or twice teased me into spank-
man will not take a hint if it paints ing her lightly, and it very clearly
itself pink and goes dancing on top excited her sexually. I was happy to
of his head singing “Happy hints are provide, but I had all the reserva-
here again!” If you want a spanking, tions listed above. So even though I
you really have to shout it out in have always been dominant and
clear language to the four corners of wanted no more than to exercise that
the world. in my marriage, I refused to pursue
Finally, if he overcomes these it because I thought it was too risky.
qualms, he is struck by another I would only have to hurt her once
doubt: He can see that there is more and she would consider me to be
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violent. I am really as far from that We are communicating more, but
as you can possibly come. I thought it is still difficult for her, and she has
that it would be such a serious asked me to be patient with her
breach of the trust we had between while she comes to terms with the
us that it could never be fixed again, fact that she is by nature submissive.
and our relationship was just too She knows and openly acknowledg-
precious to be jeopardized that way. es that now, but she still has intellec-
I would never forgive myself, and tual problems accepting it. We are
my own self respect would be per- both very, very happy and have
manently damaged. fallen in love all over again. Accept-
I tried to talk to her about what it ing our true gender-based personali-
was about the spankings that excited ties has lifted such a heavy burden
her, but she really did not seem to from the relationship. She literally
know, and out of embarrassment she blossoms, and so do I. She continues
was very reluctant to even discuss it, to tease me when she feels like it,
so I left the subject, and I left the and we both enjoy that part of the
spankings altogether. They were not dynamics although she to some de-
worth the risk. gree is topping from below. She
Our second attempt was several acknowledges that being obedient
years later when we first dabbled in and relying on me to make decisions
D/s. I had brought the subject of my feels like a relief. To me, having the
dominant nature up again because entitlement that I think is natural is
the marriage was not harmonious an enormous satisfaction. For both
any more, and the sexual images of of us, being who we are has earned
that excited her. I ended up spank- us the respect and the other.76
ing her again, she got excited again.
I said to her that I was sure that “LETTER TO A POTENTIAL PARTNER” (24
there was something in it, but I OCTOBER 2003)
would not spank her again unless
she specifically said to me that she (Excerpt)
wanted it and why. We ended up You describe yourself as domi-
agreeing that she could ask for a nant, yet few men realize the differ-
spanking like she would ask for a ence between dominance and con-
backrub. She never asked. trol, nor do they understand the true
The solution turned out to be me and original meaning of dominance.
starting to keep a score of spanks she Most men who consider themselves
will receive when she teases me and dominant are in fact controlling.
occasionally for disobedience or I have no tolerance for control. I
negligence. She could relate to that, will not be controlled. Yet I have
and she started teasing more and always hungered for dominance
more, and she has earned a series of from my man.
spankings for that ever since. The Control stifles, suppresses, chokes
dynamics are slowly developing into the life out of people. It was Darrell's
a D/s relationship with rules of whole goal to keep me free and safe
conduct.
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from such energies. He wanted me Does the thought of us getting to
to be a slave to no one or no thing. know one another through letters
Yet once our testing period was over interest you at all? Do you have the
and I aggreed to “be his”, his au- courage it takes to really bare your-
thority over me and my life was self to another? Are you interested in
complete and unquestioned. He was staying mentally and spiritually
my friend and lover, my mentor and alive and young and yet continually
counselor, my playmate and growing, or does complacency seen
soulmate. His love wrapped around more desirable and safer? You say
me like a warm, protective cloak. you are “shifting priorities”. Are you
I desperately miss his wisdom and willing to share what that means to
insight, his sage counsel, his humor. you? Can you handle change and
I miss the strong male energy he challenge and see them as some-
exuded. He was both the steering thing fun, or do they represent
wheel and the rudder of my ship, something you feel you need to
always making me feel I could ac- stamp out and destroy?
complish and be anything. He de- I would really like to know what
manded and got my best from me you mean by “dominant psychologi-
and brought about tremendous cally”. Recently, I had a man tell me
changes in my life and in my atti- how strongly dominant he is. When
tudes. For the first time in my life I pressed, his dominance turned out
was truly glad God created me fe- to be an enjoyment of playing the
male, and I experienced happiness, dominant partner in B&D games
joy and deep satisfaction in being and had nothing whatsoever to do
alive. with general relationship dynamics.
For the first month after I lost him Can you explain more fully what
[to cancer], I couldn't stop crying. you mean by exploring the parame-
I'm sure I will never completely re- ters of female psychology?
cover, but I know how much he hat- You present yourself as intelligent
ed to see his baby cry. He demanded and educated, and one could assume
that I not let my grief cripple me and you are predominantly left brain
swore if I did he would find a way oriented. My son is 23—and has
to reach across from the other side been designated as a math and com-
and paddle my bottom. From Dar- puter genius. The average IQ of my
rell, such a threat cannot be taken family is 130—mine is 140, but I'm
lightly. So I threw myself back into predominantly right brain oriented.
life—Church, Bible study, design- Are you, as my son is, exploring the
ing—and I'm reaching out to you as mysteries of psychology and emo-
a potential new friend. tion because they seem foreign to
So I ask you—is your energy con- your intellect and logic and there-
trolling or dominant? Do you enjoy fore entice you?
challenge and lively exchange, or do You express the desire for a mate
they scare you? Do strong women who will be “happily obedient” to
excite or scare you? you—yet – this doesn't adequately

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express or explain your attitude to-
ward “her”. What do you see as “IN PRAISE OF FASCINATING WOMAN-
your role as “husband”—and what HOOD” (25 OCTOBER 2003)
is it that motivates you? It is the atti-
tudes of our hearts that truly define Since reading Helen Andelin's
us as human beings. book, Fascinating Womanhood, I feel
Scripture teaches that man is to be like I was going through life blind-
the head of woman as Christ is the fold, and now, suddenly, I can see.
head of his church. What does that Suddenly, I get it. Suddenly, men
mean to you? don't seem so incomprehensible
Darrell and I had a true spiritual
anymore. Now, it seems obvious to
partnership. We were committed to me why things I was doing weren't
one another's inner growth and spir- working, and most important, what
itual development. In seven years, does work! I could dance for joy! I
we experienced and grew more to- used to secretly wish I'd been born a
gether than most couples do in a man, but now I absolutely love be-
lifetime—because it was our goal to ing a woman.
grow and overcome together. Helen Andelin explains how to be
I wanted, needed and demanded a what she calls The Ideal Woman
husband who could be my hero, a From A Man's Point Of View. My
man able to make decisions and take understanding of this is that this is a
responsibility for those decisions. woman who understands men, has
Submission is an act of the will; it is
inner and radiant happiness, is of
choice (as opposed to subservience). good character and a domestic god-
I am unable to submit to a man who dess, is radiantly healthy, feminine,
cannot lead at least as well as I can and can be childlike to diffuse ten-
myself. sion in difficult moments. Andelin
Darrell needed to be adored, ad- divides these traits up in to two
mired, respected. He had a driving sides, which she calls the Angelic
need to be a woman's hero, her (the traits that make you a bit un-
knight in shining armor. And he touchable and put you up on a ped-
needed to be served, to be master of estal) and the Human (the warm,
his kingdom. Yet he never made me very endearing , attractive traits).
feel like a servant. He made me feel When I started reading the book, I
appreciated and cherished. It was thought I could do away with the
sheer joy to please him and support
domestic goddess aspect, because
his needs. I'm not the world's best housekeep-
You have aroused my curiosity, er, but I must admit, the book has
Larry, and curiosity is a wonderful profoundly affected how I see do-
antidote to depression. I would real- mestic drudgery. Now, I take pride
ly like to know about your experi- in keeping a beautiful house, and
ences and how they have helped to sing and dance as I work. I love the
form your attitudes. What kind of look on my husband's face when he
life is it that has led you to place
such an unusual ad? 77
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
sees me enjoying making his home a ger/dissatisfaction in a way which is
haven for him. unthreatening and endearing and
That's one of the things this book funny and breaks the tension instead
taught me: to look at life and prob- of adding to it. What could be better
lems with a positive attitude. Try it! than getting your point across in a
It really works! I've found that simp- non-confrontational, endearing way
ly seeing my husband in a different which makes your man laugh and
light has made a whole lot of differ- want to kiss you, instead of having a
ence in our relationship. When I big scene or painful silence?
started reading this book, it was to Better still, in explaining how to
fix our marriage (and that means my express anger in a childlike way,
husband). It turned out that what Mrs Andelin advises us to say things
needed fixing was me and my nega- that compliment the man rather than
tive attitude. I can now see how that insulting him. When you stamp
was spoiling everything. your foot and pout, you use words
FW helped me understand my that emphasize his manhood, his
husband and treat him better, and strength, his physical superiority,
boy did he ever respond! He used to e.g., he's “a great big meanie” or “a
have sad eyes that looked past me big strong man” and you're little,
not at me. Now he has eyes that defenceless, weak. This takes the
sparkle with happiness, and he threat out of your words and makes
looks at me so long sometimes I it possible for him to hear your criti-
blush even at my age. That's another cism without reacting defensively.
thing FW has given me. I was hard I got a lot out of the section on un-
and cynical; now, my husband says I derstanding men. It helped me see
am “delightfully feminine and cute”. what I was doing wrong—
He loves my new feminine appear- everything, basically! LOL! Once I
ance (if you'd met me before FW you started admiring and accepting my
wouldn't believe I'd ever dress femi- husband, he started changing. I'm
nine!) and youthful shy feminine still not sure whether he changed or
blushes. When he sees that softness whether it is just my perception that
in me, sometimes I think he's so changed, but who cares? He seems
moved with love he's going to cry. just marvelous now. I don't even
We're in love again like at the begin- really see flaws in him anymore. I
ning, only better. used to think we are supposed to be
Part of what makes him call me a team and he's not holding up his
cute is my childlikeness. Again, be- end of things, but this book changed
fore I read the book, I thought I my attitude. We are a team, yes, but
wouldn't like the part about being that doesn't mean he has to do what
childlike, but that's because I imag- I think he should do. He's the man,
ined a grown woman being like a and he get's to decide what he does.
child all the time. That's not what He needs the freedom to act as he
the author advises. My understand- sees fit, and I need to respect that. I
ing of the book is that you can use realized that what needed changing
childlikeness to express an-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
was (yes, you've guessed it) my atti- Men and I get bored and don't feel
tude. the level of excitement I'm looking
I would ask him to take out the for. I'm single and dating, and like
trash, and when he didn't, I'd get other women I've corresponded
angry or feel resentful and irritated. with, I find men these days want
Taking out the trash is the man's job, strict equality or for the woman to
right? Wrong! I realized that what I be in charge. In the last month, I've
was doing was having a whole met a load of guys and let's just say
bunch of expectations for him that it's not been plain sailing. If I tell you
weren't respectful of his individuali- I've been considering almost for real
ty and his right as a man to make his trying to reprogram myself into a
own decisions. I would harp on and dominant woman, you'll get the
on at him to take out the trash, and picture. Everywhere I go, men want
I'd feel angry that he was making a dominant woman. Gee, it must be
me nag at him. LOL! When I read great for gals who are naturally in-
FW (and The Surrendered Wife) I saw clined in that direction!
that I was behaving like his mother I was asked for an update and to
(how sexy is that?!). pass on the advice I've been given in
Does it matter who takes out the the last month, so let's get to that
trash? It only takes a moment! When now. I asked how to tell a guy what
I calculated the amount of time I'd I want and was told to identify what
spent stewing about my husband it is I want for myself clearly. That's
not pulling his weight, instead of good advice. If you can't articulate
taking responsibility for my own what you want, how will the poor
happiness, I felt real stupid. It would guy be able to give you what you
have taken so much less time for me want? So my first piece of advice to
to take out the trash than sit there fellow travelers is:
stewing and feeling sorry for myself, 1) Try and write down what you
and once I thought about it more, want. You could then use that as a
after reading the books, I started basis for a letter to any new guy
finding it sexy that my husband de- you're dating and want to tell.
cides what he does and when. LOL! 2) Ask yourself: is he is worthy of
I hope this gives you a taste of you? When you're looking for a man
why I like the book.78 who'll be the head of the household,
it's all too easy to forget that he's got
“HOW TO BREAK IT TO A NEW MAN” (26 to be a good person otherwise.
OCTOBER 2003) 3) Ask him about his previous rela-
tionships, what the problems were,
As some of you guys might re- and how he handled them... (and as
member from my earlier article* on Wolfgirl said to me, maybe then you
Taken In Hand, I've tried dating New can talk about how you were han-
dled! LOL!)
4) If you can't tell him directly, you
* “Where are all the strong men?” 29 could try talking about sexual fanta-
September 2003. sies with him, or write him a fantasy
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if it's difficult to talk, and see how he roughneck brushes, available in the
responds. With one guy I wrote a cleaning departments of most hard-
fantasy with a cliffhanger ending ware stores. The long handled ones
and he replied and finished the sto- are very effective, but probably too
ry. If you do this a few times you rough for beginning) and say to him:
can get a sense of his interest level “I am sorry. You have every right to
LOL! and if it's worth pursuing. be angry. If you want to spank me
5) Watch and discuss old movies. for it, I'll understand and accept it. I
I've not kept a note of who said this am serious about that.” That will
but what great advice! Old movies open up the conversation. If he
depict a more old-fashioned rela- agrees, sometime, ask him if he
tionship between the man and the wants a brush.
woman, usually with the man as the If he himself behaves badly or
head of the household. So maybe does something annoying, say: “If I
you could rent a few, watch them did something like that, you would
with him, and then begin a discus- have every reason to spank me; and
sion about how that's the kind of I would let you, too.”
old-fashioned relationship you're Similarly, if a woman you know
looking for. His response is bound to does something bad, or if you see
tell you something about whether someone being disrespectful to her
he's open to being dominant in the man in a public place, or if you read
relationship. If he looks at you like about something of that sort, or if
you're off your head, at least you'll you see something like that on TV
know! (not difficult!), say: “She should be
6) Just be honest and tell him. If he spanked. Seriously, he should take a
is interested you will know without brush and spank her till she cries.”
having spent a lot of wasted time. He probably won't take you very
This is something you obviously seriously the first time, for the rea-
want so don't spend a lot of time on sons Eggheadgave in his arti-
someone who is not interested. They cle, “Why men start and why they
won't warm up they don't need time stop,” but it will put the idea into his
they either are interested or they are head. If you repeat this a few times,
not. Simple. he will get the message and you will
7) Tell him to read Taken In Hand get what you want. The one draw-
and some of the other sites you en- back is that if you don't truly believe
joy. it's about deserving a spanking, you
8) If you're looking for a discipli- can't say that without misleading
narian, here are some approaches him as to your reasons for wanting
that might work and have done for it.
others: But if you like this approach, you
Next time you do something that do not have to behave badly. All you
annoys your man, do this, as soon as have to do is notice bad behavior
possible while he is still angry: and comment on it. Public places are
Have a brush ready (one corre- full of it. At lunch you will see
spondent recommends Rubermaid someone being rude or disrespectful
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etc; just say that if you ever talk to Thanks, Egghead and everybody
him like that, you wouldn't expect else who answered.
him to sit there meekly like the guy
over there is, you'd expect him to UPDATE: Some further advice just
deal decisively with you, taking you in, this time from Bob:
in hand/spanking you.
As one guy said: don't think you “It seems to me that in order for a
are so perfect that he doesn't have a relationship with domestic discipline
to work, it must develop within a
reason to discipline you. He does,
strong, long term, friendship based
and you'll find out what it is. A relationship. If you let a fella you're
spanking is a great mind opener. interested in know early on that
Finally, Egghead advised: you'ld like an occasional spanking,
I think it may become more diffi- and he goes along with it, I'd say
cult to tell him the better you get to you're in good shape. To be the giver
know him and the more invested in of domestic discipline takes a very
each other you get, so my advice confident person. They must also be
confident in their trust of you. Imag-
would be to bring it up before too
ine what you could do to some fellow
long. if he disciplined you and you got
Perhaps you could start out by tell- mad and went to the cops. His life
ing him that you are an old- would be over.
fashioned girl, and that you prefer “This level of trust takes time. My
traditional gender roles. He will ask better half didn't give me a real disci-
what you mean, and you can tell plinary beating until we were mar-
him that you think the man should ried for several years. I get two or
three a month now. In fact, got one
be the head of the relationship. If he
tonight. Anyway, he will need to un-
inquires further, you can proceed to derstand you very well in order to
tell him that you have been in that take on the responsability.
sort of relationship before. Try to get “Don't worry though. There are few
him interested enough to pry a little things cuter than a bouncing female
into that. The key is to make him so behind, and you, over time will learn
nosy that he will be asking the ques- how to make him happy. Do this a
tions rather than you pushing the lot, especially after a bun warming. A
decent man wants to make his mate
info on him. It will take much of
happy. If you're happy, he'll be hap-
your embarrassment away. py. If a DD/head of the household
Be prepared to have to tell him marriage will make you happy, he'll
several times. When I was very come round.
young (before the Internet) I had a “The prerequisite is a decent, sane,
friend who told me just that, and I confident man—just like your mother
thought she was not serious about it would want you to find.” 79
and was trying to make fun of me.
She left me when I did not take the “OBEDIENCE AND AUTONOMY” (27
bait. OCTOBER 2003)
It's easier said than done, I know,
but good luck in any case. I do not “obey” Frank in the bibli-
cal sense. This “obedience” is an
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
important aspect of domestic disci- source is intrinsic. Its source is my
pline, D/s, BDSM and I cannot de- decision to meet my obligations to
scribe its workings in all of these our relationship. Is this any different
various frameworks. What I will from a woman deciding to let her
describe is what works for me and husband be the final say and she
how I see it within my relationship choosing to obey those decisions?
with Frank. I think it would be very Maybe it isn't, but its message is for
interesting to see how others see this me.
and how it works for them in their I think it keeps the door to fluidity
relationships. open wide and allows us both to
Let me begin by saying that yes I respond to our obligations to the
do obey Frank, but that obedience relationship as a separate entity.
comes from a different source than There is Frank, there is me, and
having been directed (by this I mean there is our shared relationship. My
discussed and decided that this is a obligation to it is what directs my
necessary part of our relationship, decisions. I do obey him when it
and I must do as he says because he enhances our relationship and keeps
has the authority to make decisions it safe and working. If I choose to
in my (our) self interest) by him to not consider our relationship and
do so, or even a mutual decision by cause a disruption, he has my con-
both of us to allow him this authori- sent to act in the best interest of “us”
ty. The reason I say this is because by using discipline to reconnect me
long term, day to day I know myself to it. My choice that caused the dis-
well enough to know I would not do ruption was not disobedience. It
well within that sort of structure, could have been for many reasons
and truthfully neither would Frank. that seemed very valid to me. If its
For me it would be the source of effect is to cause disruption, disci-
constant conflict and would eventu- pline will correct that by making me
ally fail, and I would rebel against it. very aware of how he was left feel-
It would rob me of my ability to ing.
effect choices within the relationship I just feel more autonomous within
and feel as if I were an active partic- this framework. Remember I am
ipant. I have no doubt that many only talking about myself. I do be-
women who do choose to “obey” lieve many women will feel com-
their husbands feel very involved in fortable within a structure based on
making choices within their rela- head of the household and obedi-
tionship, this one (of obedience) ence and that they will be entirely
being one of them. successful. I am in no way saying
This does not sound very submis- hey, you have to obey your hus-
sive, but I do submit and I do obey. band, you must not have any auton-
The source of that submission and omy within your relationship. I have
obedience is not because Frank no right to suppose that and I do
is head of the householdand we not.
have chosen to allow him that posi- Now, does Frank decide when dis-
tion to make decisions for us. Its cipline is needed and do I submit to
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it? Yes! He does and yes I do. I sub- fact that it represents a form of re-
mit to this because I have an obliga- sponsibility it seems to assign it im-
tion to do so. I do so because I have portance as a factor necessary for
needs that I want met. I do so be- success.
cause I want a relationship with him. I once needed to see a doctor.
He must have these obligations also. Frank told me to make the appoint-
Not just me. So does he obey me? ment. I did not. He spanked me, I
Well, I think in all relationships we made the appointment. I very much
obey each other. We all provide and enjoy this kind of attention from
accept discipline in some form, for him. In a case such as this, I felt his
us it is a bare bottomed talking to, concern for me and his taking action
because that is the pathway we both to ensure I did follow through was
take, in fact find necessary to get to not a bad feeling at all. But, if he told
were we want to go. For me there is me I had to have supper ready each
no other path that is as powerful and evening at 6 PM without fail, well
as completing. that would be another story indeed.
This may bring up questions about We do eat at 6 each evening as a
who has the final say, and from general ritual, but he has never di-
what I have read here it is of real rected me to do so, or there would
concern to many. I don't know why, be consequences. That, I would have
but for Frank and myself, it seems a a hard time with. Am I making sense
moot point. We seem to be able to here? I love the way Blush and her
work it out. It somehow naturally husband respect each other's needs
flows to the most capable to make and wishes.....and the way Frank
the decision, and we do use com- describes it as basically their respec-
promise. When we are together long tive roles anyway and they fit that
term it may be more of an issue, I into an expectation for each other.
cannot say for certain now, but so Frank likes the idea of being a
far, and we have made some im- HOR very much; even head of the
portant decisions together, it works household is not offensive to either
out. I know of regular couples like of us, but I get to take on that role of
this also, so I am supposing we have concerned wife too, well, wife to be,
been given a gift of agreement or and I do. We do not lose any of the
have personality types that work impact of the male/female dynamic
together more easily. when we do this. It just has an abil-
That said, I would like to comment ity to move around according to the
on something Stephen once said. situation or need.
He asked, “Does the obedience ex- Stephen also said, “I know this
hibited ... during a disciplinary ses- may seem hopelessly romantic, but
sion play out elsewhere in the rela- we find the male-female dynamic
tionship? Is obedience an important endlessly enriching. Do other men
factor in our ... relationships?” and women feel this way?”
I would say YES and YES. I think it Yes, we do, I do. And I love it. 80
permeates the entire relationship in
our sense of responsibility to it, the
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE MAKES A what is neccessary to make things
right.
MISTAKE?” (28 OCTOBER 2003) We do not use two way spanking,
but we communicate freely. Being
In my house, where Gary is head
submissive is not a dehumanizing
of the household (head of the
act. It's not about accepting every-
household), he wants and expects
thing he gives. It's still about two
me to tell him when he has disap-
people who love deeply and want
pointed me, or when I feel he has
the end result to have wonderful
made an error in judgement. I am
and positive feelings from our ex-
not that great on criticism, and I
pressions to each other.81
always come from this apologetic
place. But Gary sees right through
this, and understands what I am “MY PERFECT GUY, AND THE MARRIAGE HE
trying to say. He encourages me to HAS GIVEN ME” (29 OCTOBER 2003)
be angry with him, and let him
know when he has messed up. But I've been married now for two
he also understands my back- months. If you've read my writing
ground, and I've never had a safe elsewhere, you'll know the circum-
place anywhere in my life where I stances of how that coincided with
could be angry or show my disap- launching into a more traditional
pointment. style of life together. My relation-
The other night, he spanked me. It ships with men have always in-
was a great spanking and he used volved a lot of conflict. I'm very as-
the crop. It hurt, but it was very in- sertive and I guess that can be inter-
timate and very connecting. One of preted as aggressive too. I work in a
our little rituals is when a spanking man's world, I'm one of a very small
is over, Gary makes me stand and number of women in my field and
watch him put the implements away I'm just one of life's scrappers I sup-
in their place. This time he has me pose. But that is a mantle I assume
hold the crop. He goes and stands for my day job. I don't want the has-
inside my closet and asks me to sle of it when I get home too. I like
“give it to him”. He knew I wanted the idea of having my man kill my
to throw it at him. That cropping personal dinosaurs and I like the
hurt! So I did! He was so happy. He idea of cooking them down for him
also said it was feeble and the crop once he has!
landed at his feet instead of making So when I got married second time
its mark on him. around, I vowed to obey. I didn't
But I am also comfortable telling really address it in my mind as an
Gary when I feel he isn't seeing the active lifestyle choice but on reflec-
obvious, or is too heavy handed in tion, when we looked at the services
the way he deals with something, or we could choose, I had no hesitation
is hurting my feelings. He is always in choosing the very traditional one.
open to my thoughts and insights. We had the kind of priest who was
He retracks immediately and will do happy to remove the obey bit if we

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
wanted, but I recall Mark shooting a mony because we don't have the
look at me when this was suggested “modern” battle of trying to lead the
(by the priest) and knowing in my pack; and part of that includes chas-
heart that I wanted it in my vows tisement from the leader occasional-
and in my life. ly, in many forms.
Part of why I can obey Mark, is In the last week or so, we have in-
that he just so clearly is the head of troduced a new way of reducing
our household. He's a naturally in antagonistic scenes and arguments
charge sort of guy. But more than brewing. It involves counting! On
that, I respect him. For the first time some occasions Mark will simply tell
in any relationship I've had, and not me to count to ten. I remember my
just the romantic ones, I've met granny used to tell me to do this
somebody who is stronger than me when steam started to shoot from
from an emotional intelligence point my ears as a kid. When Mark tells
of view. I know that I can rely on me to do it, it makes me stop and
him and that he wants me to. He can think about the track I'm going
rely on me too, let's face it we all down. If he's had to say it to me it
need a hug every now and then, but tends to be because the track is pret-
what I'm talking about is more to do ty self-destructive, either for me or
with taking on the traditional roles our relationship. On other occasions,
in our household and having one of he will ask me if I want him to count
us be the decision maker. me. Either I stop or he counts to
For those who suggest that one—that will have a consequence
the discipline should go two ways— later involving some form of pun-
and by that I mean that the husband ishment, if he gets to two, well the
should submit to discipline from the consequences simply increase and at
wife as well as the other way three the consequence will probably
around, I say this, I don't get to pun- involve a later physical chastisement
ish my husband, that's the whole and will involve me having to take
point... I promised to obey him. In time out there and then. It seems like
return he protects me, supports me the most embarrassing thing in the
and takes the responsibility of being world to be told to take a time out in
the decision maker. I guess his pun- a public place like a shopping centre
ishment is in the consequences when for example. But sitting on a bench
he makes the wrong decisions. He for ten minutes, calming myself
imposes his own discipline—self- down and thinking through what
discipline. ever it is I've been up to works! The
I certainly don't get to or want to whole point is that I stop, I calm
tell him to take a “bare butt whip- down, I know that I have just been
ping”. The lifestyle we have chosen told that the battle no longer exists
together isn't about an excuse to and that is the end of it, no grudges,
indulge in S&M or pointless physi- back to harmony and getting on
cal punishments, it's about tradi- with the fun of loving each other
tional roles within our household and the time we have. OK so it isn't
which create an atmosphere of har- the end of it in that the consequen-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
tial punishment may come later but This takes a lot of the negative
it is the end of it on an emotional thinking out of the whole equation. I
level. know that if there is an important
I know that I can easily goad Mark decision to be made, Mark has the
to the point where he wants to final word after listening to my
punch my lights out. He doesn't of opinion, there is no point in fighting
course but when I use that kind of if I don't agree, I have already pre-
emotional bullying against him, we agreed that he gets to decide and of
have both agreed that he has the course, he also gets to live with him-
absolute right to let me know the self if he's FUBAR'd.
error of my ways. I'm not a whip- So sorry any feminists out there
ping slave, I make sure that it reading this because... I want men to
doesn't happen often and that it will hold doors open for me, I want to
happen less and less often but only feel like a princess in my husband's
because I'm learning to behave my- arms, I want to be feminine, I want
self in more appropriate ways and to be able to cry when it all gets too
therefore he doesn't need to show much for me out there and to know
me any form of discipline. Having that my husband is there, shining
spent the past 30+ years learning armor buffed by me, sword in hand
how to be a “modern” woman, it ready to fight my battles for me. It
naturally takes a little time unlearn- makes me feel safe and it makes me
ing those dictates, accepting that the happiest I've been in my whole
actually I don't want them. life.82
Since entering into my new, mar-
ried lifestyle, I have very rapidly “THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF INSTALLING A
come to the conclusion that the obe- SPINE IN A PANSY” (29 OCTOBER 2003)
dience I observe in my marriage is
about much more than my husband After the flak we've been getting
putting me over his knee. In fact, lately, I was pleasantly surprised to
that is probably the least significant discover that The Yeti described
part of it. What is truly important Taken In Hand as: “A very cool site
and remarkable is the joy we have about married people.” Must be
found in our traditional roles. All being sarcastic, I thought. (Well
the pressures of our pre-marriage gosh, we seem to be regarded as in
days have simply drifted away by need of psychiatric help by even the
defining our relationship in this nicest, most open-minded folks.) But
way. By defining it, I don't mean to my amazement, I don't think
we've called it a “DD” relationship, he was being sarcastic. Take a look
because Mark certainly hasn't and at what The Yeti says:
we have no interest in any sort of
“scene”. What I mean is that we As women are constantly reminded
have defined the roles we both have to avoid conflict, it is only natural
and we both know what the bound- that they are impressed/attracte-
aries of those respective roles are d/drawn to men who seemingly
break all the rules and do what they
and we have rules to follow.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
could never do. The men also seem to
pay less of a price for their refusal to
“HOW SLEEPING BEAUTY FOUND HER
bend to authority. PRINCE” (1 NOVEMBER 2003)
Eventually, the woman reaches the
point where she needs the bad boy to I have been wired to respond to
start doing things. [...] strong, tender, spanking men ever
Women are attracted to assholes for since I can remember. My earliest
two reasons. One—Women want a sexual fantasies—around age 4 or
MAN. Someone who makes deci-
5—were about being lovingly disci-
sions, follows their own course, isn't
afraid to speak his mind, has a pur- plined and spanked. I had one or
pose in life, protects his family and two chance exposures to such men
friends and country, and treats other in my 20s which scared me to
people with respect when they de- death—my response was so over-
serve it. They can not stand a pansy. whelming—so I ran from it most of
When confronted with the choice of my adult life.
an asshole or a pansy, they will al- After a disastrous first marriage to
ways go to the asshole because at
a “mama's boy” I found out there
least they have a shot at tempering
his rough edges. It is impossible to were other people like me when I
install a spine in a pansy. got my first computer. I then went
[...] The asshole is at least proving about finding a partner with the
they have some spine. Sadly, the ass- same determination and persistence
hole only stands up to the woman that I did everything else important
pre-relationship. Thus, the woman is in my life. I wrote personal ads and
either frustrated that she can't get the posted them everywhere appropri-
man into a relationship, and then dis-
ate on the Internet, and I made my
gusted with his complete surrender if
she can. ad as honest and open as I could,
both about who I was, and about
Evidently there is wisdom out what I was seeking. I spent time in
there in the blogosphere beyond many, many chatrooms where I
Taken In Hand! In a comment, The might meet a partner, and I created
Yeti added: profiles for yahoo, aol and ICQ let-
ting people know who I was and
My point was women want real what I wanted. I figured the internet
men. These are in short supply, was my best bet, because as a di-
though there are plenty out there. vorced mother of some 40 odd years,
and a physician who worked exclu-
Enquiring minds on this site sively with women, I wasn't likely to
would like to know where they're all meet my dream man on my ward
hiding, Yeti. nor in my suburban family neigh-
UPDATE: Immediately after find- borhood. So the Internet it was...:)
ing and mentioning The Yeti's kind I corresponded with more men
words about Taken In Hand, I dis- than I care to remember. I met a
covered not one but two pieces sing- number of them, 99% of them not
ing our praises, on Spanking Blog. more than once, in a public place. I
Don't miss them!83 had been doing this determined

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
search for about 3 years when I met love to haunt junk shops, flea mar-
my fiance. He “picked me up” in an kets, antique shows, take car trips,
aol chatroom. We IMd for several watch movies on video at home, and
weeks, then spoke on the phone for play mini golf. We share a religion,
several more weeks, then met in values, cultural outlooks. And, most
public. I won't lie to you, I went important of all, he's a terrific stepfa-
home with him that first time. Basi- ther type person for my two sons.
cally we both knew right away, and I'd be happy to answer any ques-
I was lucky that Robert was the man tions or help any single woman in
he represented himself to be. The her process. It got really hard, really
end of the story is we are getting lonely at times. There were times I
married next Saturday and moving thought my longing would consume
into a new home together right after me. But I just never gave up. And
the wedding. now, like Sleeping Beauty, I am
Here are some things I learned about to go off to marry my middle
along the way: aged Prince, who keeps threatening
1. You must believe in yourself me that he will have our officiant
and believe there is someone out say, “And now you may spank your
there for you. bride!” That darned man...:)84
2. You must wake up every morn-
ing thinking “today could be the “BLANKET CONSENT” (4 NOVEMBER
day,” and one day, it will be. 2003)
3. You have to take as good care of
yourself as you can, and live your The spanking scenes in romance
life as fully as you can as a single books have always fascinated me.
woman. Nurture your friendships, They were the images of a strong
your hobbies, yourself. You will heroic figure who fell in love with
have more to offer your mate. the girl of his choice and then
4. Be careful. Take your time. Get spanked her when she was being a
to know someone before you drape pain. It coincided with my feelings
yourself over anyone's knees. (Ok, of having a strong male figure to up-
but remember I'd spent about 3 end me when I was being the same
months in daily conversation with kind of pain in the butt. Erotic
Robert before I met him. Ok, then do spanking, until that time, had not
as I say, not as I did....:) occurred to me.
5. Make sure you enjoy your man When I discovered the spanking
for who he is besides your discipli- world on the Internet, I spent hours
narian. reading everything I could find. I
Real life is not a series of spank- then started introducing my hus-
ings, and spankings don't take all band to the fun, erotic, playful
that much time. You have many, spanking and we found we loved it
many hours to relate to your partner and it revitalized our intimate rela-
in other ways. Make sure you can tionship in a wonderful way.
love him all the time
he isn't spanking you! Robert and I
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
After four or five months, and a lot spite of my protests and engaged in
of reading, I approached the subject many discussions of these sorts on
of discipline spanking with him. He the forums. Discussing whether or
admitted he had never thought of not I was submissive enough,
spanking his wife, even though he whether I really wanted him to be
had spanked me at one point in time the head of the household, what to
when we were first married. He is a do if he changed his mind and de-
pretty alpha personality; always cided he wanted it and then I didn't,
swatting and playing dominantmale etc.
and I figured he would take to it After 18 months, we have finally
very well. He didn't. boiled all the concerns, discussions,
Coupled with his reluctance, and feelings, misunderstandings, etc.,
the fact that we both came from a down to one thing: blanket consent.
heavy Christian background, we He now has blanket consent from
had a lot of concepts to get past. I me to spank as he sees fit, if and
read him articles on implements, when he thinks its necessary, re-
how to position, showed him the gardless of whether there is a rule in
forum, the whole nine yards. We place or not. This is my choice—a
worked at it, tried setting up rules, concept that he has long struggled
tried keeping mistake logs, with—the taking away of my
tried maintenance spanking, etc. choice, forcing me to do something I
It seemed to be too much trouble might not want to do by enforcing a
to keep up with all the ins and outs rule he might think was important.
that seemed to be expected of him. I know now what his expectations
Especially when he was feeling are, and he has progressed to the
down himself. So we were kind of point where I don't really look for-
off and on, with me being disap- ward to getting over his lap very
pointed at his inconsistency all the much for a reminder. Actual disci-
time, and I felt he was just playing pline spankings are not that preva-
a game that he would get tired of. Or lent, but I get quite a few reminders
that he really felt it was all or pulled-up-short-for-something
a kink that he hoped I would grow style punishments that are usually
out of if he humored me for a while. short, but painful—LOL! Meant to
I wrestled with all the I don't want be warnings not to go there again or
him to think I'm perverted questions in to push this limit or I run the risk of
trying to make this work, so in the a real butt burner.
beginning we didn't communicate as I may get to bed late for three
well as we could have. nights, and then suddenly I am in
At the same time, I was trying to trouble. It's his choice now. I don't
understand my needs, why I was so have any expectations any more. He
fascinated with it, why I wanted it so is not bound by a set of rules per se. I
much. And how to convey that to know what he wants from me and I
him, when I didn't know myself. I run the risk of being in trouble if I
kept having the image of the fantasy choose to ignore those expectations.
figure that would “just do it” in
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
He has been very conventional, in when I am over his knee and then
spite what I had thought in the be- being cuddled and comforted after-
ginning. But the thing that keeps wards. I truly feel a stronger desire
drawing him back into it when we to please him in every way and he
have hiccups, is the emotional close- loves that. He does not want to lose
ness that we lose when we stop, or that. That is what makes him keep
fade off. I have given him the oppor- trying again, even though he doesn't
tunity to opt out of it many times, as enjoy hurting me, and would really
recently as a few months ago. But rather not do discipline at all. But he
each time we do, the emotional has realized that he can't have it
closeness we enjoy goes away. I both ways. It's just not there when
have struggled with the concept that we are not living it, not in the degree
it's just not who he is for a long time that it is when we are.
now and felt I didn't want to force So that is where we are with the
him to do anything he wasn't com- blanket consent concept. I hope this
fortable with. may be of some help to anyone read-
There have been many discussions ing it and that they will realize that
on whether a man uninterested in it's only my experiences, not facts.
control is truly a that, or if they are Some may not relate at all, others
just men waiting for their true dom- may feel similarities.
inant nature to come out. Some men The bottom line is, this works for
are just naturally dominant; they are us because we have worked dili-
that way all the time, and it's just gently at it and kept coming back to
who they are. Other men seem to be try again and to talk and communi-
able to become dominant with lots cate until we can work out our feel-
of encouragement and help from ings about it. We then try to imple-
their woman, but it's not really who ment it in the best way for both of us
they are inside, or so it seems. We to benefit from it. No two couples
have talked about this and I told him will be exactly alike. And there's no
I didn't want him to pretend to be magic formula that you can follow
something he didn't feel. and have guaranteed success. You
After much discussion, one thing just have to talk, listen, and talk
has become certain. He loves the some more until you understand
way I am when he is spanking me each other, and then work hard to
whether for fun or for discipline. please each other.85
The act of disciplining me is not the
erotic part for him when he punish- “THROW OUT THE RULES!” (5 NOVEMBER
es. It's the submissiveness I feel for 2003)
him afterwards that really makes
him bond with me emotionally. And Brandy's article, “Blanket con-
for me too. When he fills my needs sent,” got me thinking about the
by living this way, my desire to whole rulemaking process. The idea
please him increases intensely. I feel of a list of rules is lost on me. I know
it inside; it's not a pretense. He for some it is the essential part of
draws out my submissive nature
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discipline, i.e., without the rule and cheapens the goal to have to make
the breaking of that rule discipline is that tick mark next to each item each
unnecessary or nonexistent. I have and every day. I think I take a more
heard examples of some couples' global approach to domestic disci-
lists and they are extensive. Some pline, at least as it works in my
read like a laundry list of nitpicking home, and I cannot think of it as
and those lists are evidentiary proof, narrowly as twenty items on a page.
in my humble opinion, of an ego- Maybe for some people the goal is
maniacal man run amok over his the “perfect wife” who never over-
doormat wife. A much better ap- spends the grocery budget or who
proach, in my opinion, is blanket always mops the floor three times a
consent. The same result (a clean week and does each of those twenty
happy home) can be reached with- items on her list of rules consistent-
out all the micromanaging. ly, or even refrains from doing them
Our life together is way too busy whatever the case may be. Thankful-
for me to sit down with my fiancé ly, that is not us.
and make out a list of house rules If I was spanked for not being on
and keep track of misdeeds, etc. (In- task with the housework or being
cidentally, that is what people do late picking up dry cleaning or any
when they fight generally and we of the more mundane tasks I would
know what a time waster that is.) I resent each of those rules. It would
have happily given up the role of be much like the difference between
control freak and my fiancé has no “I want to” and “I have to”. I
desire to take it up where I left off. wouldn't be nearly as happy to do
He's too laid back for a bunch of those things if they were rules and
rules. (Easygoing and dominant—is not blessings. Now I will tell you
that weird?) Anyway, we know that I revel in the joy that is a clean
what we want out of the relation- house. I bless my fiancé with good
ship, we know what level of intima- homecooked hot dinners, clean fresh
cy and family harmony we are seek- towels in the bathroom, and other
ing to maintain, we know what we touches that will make him know I
can do to ensure that the other feels am happy he lives here, too. I know
like a happy fulfilled partner in the my fiancé appreciates that I take the
relationship, so why mess it up with time to make our home a beautiful
rules? and comfortable haven for both of
Even though I say I know what us. He is the one who noticed that I
makes my fiancé happy, it's not that never fail to sing while doing dishes
he wrote it down and posted it on (yes the wonder that is new aroma-
the fridge and then put a smiley face therapy dish soap). Would I be so
next to it everyday I did that certain blissfully domestic if I dutifully
thing. For me it is the same with ticked off each item only to avoid a
rules. I know what tips the balance spanking? Nope, not a chance. I
away from happiness and/or peace think people run the risk of becom-
in the house (which is our ultimate ing too enmeshed in the details (the
goal). In my opinion it almost rules) that they lose sight of the goal.
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But just say there are no written trust and submission involved in
rules, and also say for the sake of DD is the acceptance of spanking
argument, that I do let the house get without a safeword. Personally, I've
unkempt and dirty and there's not a come around to the point of view
clean matched set of socks to be that ultimately it doesn't really much
found anywhere within it. Our ha- matter in practice whether a
ven has now become a hovel. What safeword exists or not.
is the likely result? Discord, unhap- On the one hand, safewords are
piness, unrest and a general yucky not nearly as big a protection as is
feeling like a black cloud hangs over sometimes asserted, for a variety of
our once tranquil abode. And what reasons. If the purpose is to give
is the ultimate result of that? Yep, safety when you don't fully trust a
you guessed it—spanks for me be- spanker and fear he may be unscru-
cause I tipped the balance from pulous, I don't quite understand
peaceful and happy to chaotic and how that works—if he's unscrupu-
unhappy—and most unnecessarily I lous enough to go beyond agreed-
might add. Maybe, some of you men upon limits, isn't he equally likely to
out there whose women are strug- ignore a safeword? In the more
gling in the homemaking depart- common case, the point isn't to pro-
ment might try throwing out the tect against an unscrupulous spank-
house rules for a while and see if she er, but instead to allow communica-
responds better to the idea of be- tion of something the spanker
stowing blessings over following doesn't see or understand. While
rules. And like I said, you can come that's fine so far as it goes, there are
to the same result without the all the a lot of reasons it often doesn't work.
micromanaging or resentment. If the spankee is really in distress for
That being said, I have two final some reason, she may well not be
thoughts: 1. In my opinion, a woman able to say the safeword. Even if she
should bless her man with a clean can, almost every woman I've ever
happy home because she respects talked to has been extremely reluc-
him and herself, and 2. I have found tant to actually use a safeword—to
that for me a general attitude ad- many it feels like admitting failure
justment, i.e., spanking or sex or of some sort, even though that's not
especially both, always serves as the intent. In other instances, the
motivation. I can go from shrew to safeword comes too late to be of
domestic goddess in no time flat. It's much use—the spankee doesn't be-
in my wiring, I think.86 come aware of the problem until it's
already happened. To use a very
“SAFEWORDS” (6 NOVEMBER 2003) extreme example, suppose a spanker
is using a heavy paddle, and acci-
The use of safewords is a compli- dentally strikes too high and hits the
cated issue, in my opinion. Many tailbone, bruising or even breaking
people think a couple should always it. Saying a safeword at that point
have a safeword, but many others doesn't help much since the damage
feel like an important part of the is already done. For these reasons,
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the spanker still has to be very squirming and “Please stop,” but I
aware and careful at all times how sure wouldn't ignore a concerted
he is spanking, and how the spankee effort to get away coupled with “If
is reacting, both verbally and non- you don't stop this instant, I'm going
verbally. Assuming that everything to call the cops!” Heck, even if a
is fine as long as the spankee doesn't safeword does exist, I think the
use a safeword can be a very big spanker in a new couple would be
mistake... foolish to ignore such a statement
On the other hand, I don't think just because the spankee didn't say
having a safeword automatically “safeword.” At a lower level, why
changes the dynamics of the DD would a spanker ignore a statement
relationship and is equivalent to like “Stop for a minute and empty
“topping from the bottom”. While your pockets; your keys are digging
that may be true in an erotic setting into me” or “Hold on—I've got a
where the couple agrees on a cramp in my leg”? Of course, I'm
red/yellow/green (stop/ease assuming that a responsible spankee
up/continue) scheme to control in- won't make these things up, but
tensity, I don't think it's true in a DD that's just the same as assuming the
setting where the safeword is in- spankee won't inappropriately use a
tended only to signal when some- safeword.
thing unexpected has happened. A Having said all that, I'll admit to
couple can arrange it so that misuse requiring a safeword when I'm dis-
of a safeword doesn't have any real ciplining a woman I haven't dealt
benefit, and may itself be a punisha- with before or frequently, even
ble offense. As such, a safeword isn't though I'm not convinced it's all that
the spankee's way of controlling the useful to protect her. I think there's a
spanking, it's just a method of com- little value in having a safeword to
municating important information protect me, as the spanker. Although
to the spanker, and can even be this is rarely discussed, I think it's
viewed as the duty of the spankee, important for people to keep in
as part of making the spanking a mind that anytime a spanking is
cooperative effort to improve behav- given, the spanker is opening him-
ior. self to both civil and criminal liabil-
On a third hand, I think those who ity in most states—spanking fits
profess not to use safewords are almost any definition of assault
largely kidding themselves. After and/or battery. So when meeting a
all, is any half-way responsible new woman, there's always the
spanker going to ignore a frantic chance that if things go badly for
“Yeowch! You broke my tailbone!!” whatever reason she may decide to
just because the couple doesn't have call the cops or a lawyer. Although
a safeword? Particularly when just the consent of the “victim” is largely
starting a relationship, a spanker immaterial in the eyes of the law—
would have to be crazy to ignore I'm still guilty of assault even if the
unexpected protestations or move- woman asked for the spanking—as a
ments—it's probably safe to ignore practical matter I believe that I'm in
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a better position if I can show that and spankees, especially in DD, are
the entire spanking was consensual, pretty responsible, and unexpected
and the presence of a safeword helps situations (such as cramps) are pret-
there. Although if the woman is real- ty uncommon, so the need for
ly out to get me, there's no way for safewords doesn't actually arise.
me to prevent her claiming she used BTW, In case I wasn't clear, none
her safeword and I ignored it... I of this was meant to recommend
sincerely hope this concern will al- either for or against having a
ways remain hypothetical, but it's safeword. I think that's a decision
something for spankers to keep in best left to the couple, but I just
the back of their mind. For that mat- wanted to give some more infor-
ter, spankees should understand it's mation for them to base their deci-
another reason why some spankers sion on.87
may be reluctant to be as firm as
desired; there may be a fear, either “OBEDIENCE” (8 NOVEMBER 2003)
conscious or subconscious, that if he
really hurts her she's going to call It may seem to many people that
the cops. requiring my wife to be obedient, to
Another factor in favor of follow my directives, is not only
safewords is a little paradoxical—the anachronistic, but considering mod-
existence of a safeword, which a ern social “norms” of equality be-
spankee may fear will result in her tween the sexes, is simply wrong.
ending a spanking early, may in- Yet, in my observation of modern
stead have the effect of enabling a relationships, too many couples I
more severe spanking. Without a know or have observed are locked in
safeword, a reasonably responsible a continual struggle for power. This
spanker is likely to err on the side of struggle too often leaves the couple
caution, and spank less severely disconnected, unhappy, and disen-
than desired. After all, it's a lot easi- chanted with the modern relation-
er to correct that next time by spank- ship. It is not my purpose to suggest
ing harder than it is to make up for a that we all return to the social norms
too-hard spanking that leaves the of an earlier age, but I do believe in
spankee feeling unfairly treated or the quest for equality between the
even abused. The existence of a sexes we have lost something spe-
safeword may give the spanker con- cial.
fidence to go further, knowing that Right from the beginning of our re-
the safeword will keep him from lationship my wife wanted me to
going too far over the line. wear the pants in the family. As a
Finally, all of this is largely theo- matter of fact, those were the exact
retical. In practice, although I know words she used. She is a highly intel-
people that have safewords, I don't ligent, confident woman, who could
think I know of any instances in a survive quite well without me, but
disciplinary setting in which the she really wanted me to be in
spankee has actually used that charge. She was not interested in a
safeword. The fact is, most spankers relationship based on so called
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equality. We have a traditional mar- opens herself to intimacy, trusting
riage in which she expects to be that I will do what is necessary for
obedient. To her, obedience is not her and us.
only a matter of respect for me and She does not really submit to me
our relationship, it gives her a great- out of fear or because I am the head
er sense of security knowing I am of the household and she had better
deeply involved in her and it also do as I say or else. That is not the
adds an erotic charge to our daily primary motivating factor for her
life. Yes, obedience is sexy. It is ro- obedience. It is true that the threat of
mantic. It creates passion! For her, a spanking always exists if she diso-
knowing her man is in charge partly beys. And the certainty of conse-
hearkens back to the kind of atmos- quences (a bare bottom spanking)
phere between couples that was so may motivate her, but her decision
often evident in some of the old to obey is really a matter of respect
movies she used to watch. You and trust. Her submission to me
know the ones with Spencer Tracy stems from her knowing me so well
and Katherine Hepburn or Clark and loving me so much, that
Gable and Carol Lombard, or even she wants to submit. She trusts me
John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. I not to abuse the authority she has
know this may seem hopelessly ro- given me. It also fulfills the desire
mantic, but don't we all want our she has to be submissive to her hus-
relationships to be romantic and band. Being a Christian, she accepts
passionate? her role as a submissive wife, but
It is the expectation her submission would not be as pure
of obedience that creates between us or as meaningful if it were some-
a real connection. I am not the kind thing that was forced or came purely
of husband who gives many orders. from obligation and/or duty.
My wife is a capable woman who Some people make the mistake of
does not need me to micro-manage assuming that if a woman is obedi-
her life. In fact, I believe when the ent she loses her autonomy. It may
head of a household attempts to be true that she loses some freedom
micro-manage his wife's life it says of action, but doesn't any relation-
more about his insecurities than it ship require the same? Neither am I
does about his power in the relation- free to do as I wish. A relationship
ship. We most often consult on im- requires a sense of mutual obliga-
portant matters. But our consulta- tion. However, if I require my wife
tions are charged with the to behave or act in a certain way, she
knowledge that I am the head of the does so because she wants to and
household. I am more than willing because I have proved my commit-
to accede to her desires in many ment to her. By agreeing to obey me,
cases. I depend on her expertise and she surrenders to the discipline of
advice. But once I make a decision our marriage. For her it is not so
that this is the way it's going to be, much a sacrifice, as it is a way to
she almost always agreeably sub- connect to me in a deep and mean-
mits. By being obedient, my wife ingful way.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Just because I require my wife to would not be worthy of her trust in
obey me does not mean our relation- the first place.
ship is a one way street. If my wife Here is an example of how her
asked me to do something, I would obedience has played out in our
do it. I want to please her and make relationship. Several months ago I
her feel cherished. But just as a cap- told my wife that she needed to go
tain steers a ship, so I have her con- to the doctor to have her shoulder
sent to direct our relationship. She checked out. For a year she has had
may say to me, “hey, let's check that trouble with her shoulder, but never
out over there”. And because I love did anything to alleviate the prob-
her I would steer the ship in that lem. Some nights while we were
direction. But I still would control lying in bed she would be in tears
the rudder. from the pain. Claiming she was too
It is difficult for me to understand busy, she didn't act on my advice, so
how a taken in hand relationship finally I gave her a direct order to
could work if it were based on get her shoulder looked at. I gave
equality. It would lose much of its her two weeks to make the ap-
power to move my wife if there pointment. The two weeks went by
wasn't an expectation of obedience. and she still hadn't made the ap-
What does it mean for the man to be pointment. She had disobeyed me.
the head of the household if the This ended up with her being turned
woman gets to pick and choose over my knee for a paddling. There
whether she submits to the man's was nothing erotic about
decisions? My wife would be the this spanking; it was a serious disci-
first to tell you that that would plinary session. The very next day
weaken my authority and denature she made the appointment. This is
the dynamic we have together. My an example of the kind of control I
wife has accepted me as the head of exhibit in our relationship. We have
the household (as undisputed “cap- established a relationship dynamic
tain” of the ship!). We have an un- in which she knows that when I do
derstanding of “dominant” and give her an order she had better
“submissive” as equitable and com- obey. She knows that the conse-
plementary and not “superior” and quences of disobedience will most
“inferior” and an acceptance of the likely be a very sound spanking.
“captain's” right to sanction behav- Every Taken In Hand relationship
ior that is harmful to the relationship must depend on a certain amount of
or to her. This does not mean a obedience. The very act of telling my
mindless obedience either. If I were wife she is to be spanked is an ex-
to demand that she do something ample of her obedience. When I tell
that was unethical or against her my wife to take down her pants and
conscience, it would be her duty to a get over my knee for a spanking or
higher power or set of principles to tell her to stand in the corner she
do what she knows is right. Howev- may voice some complaint or plead
er, if I was the kind of head of the for leniency, but she will dutifully
household to demand such a thing I do as I say. She is thereby making
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herself not only physically vulnera- She can tell me things because she
ble, but emotionally vulnerable too. knows I care about her and value
This is an important moment not her opinion. She knows I will take
just for her, but for me as well. By her feelings into account. Yet, even
obeying me during a disciplinary though she expresses these things to
session, she is creating and nurtur- me, she (usually) does it in a way
ing a dynamic that carries through that is respectful of my authority as
into other parts of our relationship. the head of our family. It does not
Isn't this what we all find so power- undermine my dominance or her
ful about a Taken In Hand relation- submissive nature. I can tell this just
ship? It is this exchange of domi- by the look in her eyes. Because I
nance and submission that makes feel confident in my role within our
this such a powerful dynamic. family, I am able to humbly (usual-
For those who have their panties ly) accept her advice and yes, even
tied up in a knot at my audacity her expression of disappointment in
(conceit), please understand: this is one of my decisions or actions. In
truly consensual. Also understand fact I would argue the man who
that I do not give many orders. But I cannot admit to his wife that he has
know that on the occasions when I done something wrong cannot be
do direct her to do or not do some- trusted and is not worthy of being
thing she will (usually) obey. What the head of the household.
particularly interests me about this IMHO a taken in hand marriage
is the effect such a trust between us depends on the obedience of the
creates—how that ripples into other wife to her husband. Without obedi-
parts of our life together. This obedi- ence, the dynamic that makes taken
ence develops between us a tide of in hand so powerful would be un-
feeling that is truly powerful. If dermined and weakened. Obviously
nothing else, my wife's decision to this a delicate matter, especially
obey me creates between us a deep when in the early stages of a taken in
and abiding passion. Does this same hand relationship. In order to obey
passion exist in a relationship where or submit, the wife must be able to
both are equal? Hmmmm.... I won- trust her husband as the head their
der. home. So, of course I would counsel
The fact that my wife obeys me that any couple starting out keeps
does not mean that she does not their dynamic simple or limited to a
hold me accountable too. She does. few small areas that both can agree
She will admonish me when I have on. But over time as the woman
thoughtlessly hurt her feelings or gains more trust in her man as the
have done something that she be- head of the household she can com-
lieves is inappropriate. I want her to fortably give herself to him whole-
tell me when she thinks I am screw- heartedly. With this trust comes
ing up. I do not find this is incom- her submission to his authority
patible or contradictory with the fact which allows the Taken In Hand
that she obeys me. It may seem con- relationship to truly blossom.88
tradictory, but in practice it is not.
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“FIRST YEAR TRIALS” (10 NOVEMBER For me, that was a big part of my
awful first year and a half. I think
2003) now a lot of my frustration was in
response to those moments when
I had dreamed alI my life about a
Robert did not act like the fantasy
loving, strong man who spank me
men in my head; when he did not
for my own good. Someone strong
respond to me perfectly in concert
enough to be in charge, and to take
with the endlessly patient, endlessly
me in hand. So how come my first
giving, all-knowing perfect Dad-
year of living with my dream man
dy/man/Dominant in my head.
was so damned hard?! I was out of
Eventually I groped through all
control, fighting Robert, yelling and
these powerful emotions and got
carrying on, as if I were trying to
sick of myself—thank God before
destroy the relationship I had most
Robert got sick of me! And I realized
desired. I've always thought that it
how selfish, childish and unfair I
was an issue of trust—of learning
had been. And with a little bit of
that Robert could be my lover, pro-
effort and some help from Robert, I
tector, and the head of household.
learned to stop pressuring him
And partly it was—I'd been taking
(through my behaviors and atti-
care of myself in my own way, as
tudes) to act like a character in one
best I could, for years, and it wasn't
of the stories we all love so much.
easy trusting Robert to do that for
(“Ok, Susie, now you've gone too
me. I also think some of it was real
far. I cannot allow you to be so out
resistence to being told what to do.
of control, it's not good for you and
After all, when you are deep into a
it's not good for us. You know you
great novel and want nothing more
have this coming to you, so march
than to finish it, it isn't easy to be
upstairs right now for your spank-
told to turn out the light and go to
ing.”)
sleep! Instant rage...:)
All I can say is it takes tons of pa-
But now, into our third year of liv-
tience to work out the kinks (pun
ing together (and we got married
unintended). It's really hard for us
recently, too!) I think that there's a
women/girls at first, because we
little more to it.
have to be both real adult women
I think that most of us carry within
(full partners in establishing a rela-
our psyches powerful erotic images.
tionship) and be able to let go into
For me, those images have been part
the little girl/submissive/disciplinee
of my deepest fantasies since I was a
regression that our partners also
little girl, like the age of 3! When we
need and want from us. No wonder
as adults try to live our realities in
we get frustrated!
sync with our erotic-emotional psy-
I don't know, it seems that a hell
ches, we at get frustrated when our
year or two is common. Maybe we
partners are not acting exactly as our
have to get the brats out of our sys-
“needs”—our erotic/emotional fan-
tems? My Robert had had his fill of
tasies—dictate.
“brat” after about a year, and when I
realized how bad for us my
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
brattiness was, I stopped. By then I Blush has been savagely abused
had learned to trust him and I also since she was a young girl. Her par-
learned that I could exhaust him! I ents were and still are unconsciona-
didn't want to exhaust him anymore, ble physiological abusers. She was
I wanted him to enjoy me! So I left from the time she was 4 years
cleaned up my act...:) I found a way old to raise herself with the specter
to live with a real life man and thor- of this horrible mental abuse con-
oughly enjoy our relationship! It suming all of her developmental
isn't exactly like the fantasies in my years. I will not go into details be-
head, but it's real, and it's warm and cause this information will be ex-
close and loving, and I am happy. tremely unsettling to some of you.
Happier than when I was out of con- From this background she natural-
trol—out of control trying to control ly gravitated towards men who
my partner!89 would further this abuse. After all,
that is really all she knew. This cul-
“BLUSH AND GARY, BY GARY” (11 minated in a marriage in her early
NOVEMBER 2003) 20s that introduced horrible, dis-
gusting and dehumanizing ritualis-
Hello to all; tic physical abuse that occurred on a
My name is Gary and I am mar- daily basis for 10 years.
ried to the woman you know From this information, I think you
as Blush. My Blush has asked me to can see what impact this would have
clarify our life together to all of you on her. Not many people could
that participate in this forum. I am, thrive after this type of upbringing
of course pleased to do so. The and marriage let alone survive it.
commitments of my job along with This, along with some other events
the high maintenance levels re- in her life made up the person I first
quired by Blush do not afford me met some 4 years ago. When you
the luxury of being a regular partici- first meet Blush you are immediately
pant in this forum. However, Blush struck by her obvious physical beau-
takes great delight in sharing some ty but that is not what really attract-
of your experiences with me so to ed me to her. You see, she has this
that end I feel a certain level of unbelievable indomitable spirit. No
knowledge about many of your in- matter how much life and the sick
dividual situations. people who infected her life tried,
Now, before I tell you about our they could not extinguish the light,
situation it is absolutely imperative that beautiful shining light inside of
that you understand a little more her. She is like a closed flower that
about where Blush comes from be- turns to open to the sun to show its
fore I entered her life. If you do not wonderment.
take the time and compassion to When I came into her life, I saw
understand this or discount its im- this light in her but it was also very
portance then you will not under- apparent that she had deep scars.
stand the essence of our evolution. She never slept more than and hour
or two a night if at all, she never
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entered a room where she didn't in a lot of long time marriages that
immediately have an escape route introduce D&D into their life to
mapped out and was forever solve various problems. The image
craning her neck looking for those is her driving a car with me as a pas-
that would attack her. She had deep senger. She is driving this car 100
insecurities, trusted no one and easi- mph straight at a brick wall. Just
ly blew off suitors in an almost cal- before the car hits the wall, she
lous manner. She became an expert jumps into the back seat and says,
at deflecting attention from herself “here, you drive!”
and let no one, I mean no one get Her fantasies at the time were very
close to her. vague and unfocused. She had two
When I first met her, I decided that main fantasies, one in which she was
we needed to get to know each other aroused by an authority figure, and
intimately and slowly. So we talked may involve being spanked. The
on the phone before we met. Then other was a fantasy of the man who
we talked and talked and talked loved her, who would come and
some more. When we had talked rescue her. Although I didn't tell her
ourselves out, we talked some more. in so many words, it became appar-
I can tell you that Blush has a very ent to me from our many conversa-
layered and complex mind with a tions that there was the germination
myriad of closed doors inside that of submissive potential here. At the
all contain a fountain of information beginning she couldn't even say the
if they could be accessed. As a stu- word spanking because to her it
dent of human nature, I found her sounded too submissive.
fascinating and still do. After a very Now given all of this information I
long time of highly intimate talks I needed to ask myself how to pro-
can assure you I know more about ceed. I know this beautiful woman
her than she knows about herself. had an undeveloped submissive side
While she is extremely good at to her but her life had caused many,
knowing what makes other people many wounds that could easily be
tick, she was not able to do the same exposed if this was done recklessly. I
when it came to herself. I can pin- also needed to know and fully un-
point exactly what is going on in derstand the ramifications of this to
that mind of hers just by doing some my life. First of all, it has to be un-
very gentle and focused probing. derstood that if I didn't love her I
There is very little, if anything that couldn't do this. To any man want-
she can hide from me and this gives ing this lifestyle, there are three un-
her tremendous peace of mind and breakable rules. Rule # One, you
security. gotta love her! Full stop. Rule Two,
However, she was always in a hur- see rule One. Rule # Three, see Rule
ry—hurry up let's meet, hurry up # 1 and 2. No exceptions. If you
and spank me, hurry up and do this don't love her and I mean really love
to me, hurry up and do that to me. her, then do not proceed.
In many ways her life was careening The next thing you have to under-
out of control. I liken it to what I see stand is that this is not a part time
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
lifestyle. For me, I have to accept the over, your mind justifies what is
responsibility and step up each and happening to you as being out of
every day, all day. I never take time your control and thus easier to ac-
off from this. I am always available cept. Under these conditions she
to her for every one of her needs bar thrived. Passion is a very strong and
none. Nothing about her is too trivi- powerful emotion. I would have her
al for my attention. If I have been repeat things to me that she could
traveling on business all day and am never have said outside of a highly
tired when I get home and Blush aroused state.
needs me I will always be there for For those that would question
her and will put her needs in the whether this is true dominance I
front always. We never turn on the would ask you the following. While
television. Instead we have what I I don't mean to be overly graphic
call transition time. That is the time here, when I punish Blush she is wet
of day when our daughter is asleep at the onset and soaking at the con-
and before we go to the bedroom. It clusion. Does this make it sexual
is a time where she can unburden dominance or is it still punishment?
the trials of her day and ultimately You see, from this beginning we
let them go. While she is doing this have evolved tremendously. While
my eyes never leave her and I am previously she could never, ever
completely focused on her. At the consider herself as a submissive she
end of transition, she has let her now accepts and revels in her sub-
burdens go. As a result she has gone missiveness. However, I do not al-
from someone who rarely slept at all low this to become part of her com-
to someone who easily sleeps nine plete personality. She is not a sub-
hours a night. missive person except to me and I
I understand that this is not for abhor the term “slave”. If I were to
everyone but if you want to reach catch her submissively allowing a
the levels that we do, this is the shopkeeper to mistreat her, I would
commitment that needs to be immediately put a stop to it. He
made.� would be forced to apologize to her
Before I allowed her to be spanked and she would be called to account
at all by me, there had to be a strong to me for her actions. However, in
level of security for her. We were my presence she will submit un-
treading in very dangerous and un- questioningly and completely to me.
charted waters here. I will not be That is how it is. I have certain ex-
another one of her abusers and will pectations for her behavior and ac-
forever protect her from those that tions and will relentlessly enforce
try. So, how does one proceed? I them.
decided the safest way was to sexu- An example. Last week I was away
alize it. Making it safe, and making on business for a week and left
it occur while in a high state of Blush with certain expectations I had
arousal would make it secure for for her. When I returned I found that
her. You see, when one is in a high she was slipping back into some old,
state of arousal and passion takes familiar patterns of self-destructive
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
behavior. This, to me is completely “HOW WE GOT PAST THE YEAR FROM HELL”
unacceptable and she needed to be
reminded of that. Her self destruc-
(12 NOVEMBER 2003)
tive behavior was actually caused by
I've written before* about how try-
her being angry with me for being
ing our first year together had been.
away for so long and because she is
I think a combination of things
not yet able to direct this anger to-
worked to get us to a better place.
wards me where it belongs she takes
A big one was that Robert took me
it out on herself. I do not permit an-
out of my stressful job (running a
yone to abuse her and certainly will
hospital ward on a fulltime basis)
not accept it from herself, so she was
and enabling me to work from home
punished very sternly. The result
(doing telephone medical triage one
was an unbelievable re-connection
evening a week and two weekends a
and her behavior back in line. I rec-
month). Much less stressful! I really
ognize that we still have a long way
consider myself a “work” from
to go but the punishment she re-
home homemaker and mom now.
ceives focuses her on what I expect
And so now I am not stressed out to
from her and gives her the security
the max, which helps everything.
she so desperately craves.
And Robert works from home, so
From the first erotically inspired
we're essentially together 24/7. I
spankings to the unrelenting pun-
love it. :-)
ishment she now receives, I can tell
Second, we learned that mi-
you that she thrives in the security
cromanaging me doesn't work for
and connections that it brings. She
us. I am not only capable of running
has forever been changed and her
the domestic side of our lives, I love
future will bring deeper and more
it. Just call me Susie Homemaker. :-)
profound changes. She is indulged
So I pretty much cook, clean, grocery
by me to the point of being spoiled
shop on my own steam. If Robert
and for that I make no apologies. But
wants something done at a particu-
make no mistake—I own her and
lar time or in a particular way, he
she belongs to me. She is no longer
tells me, and I do it.
that scarred girl I first met. She is a
I still do get angry at some things.
beautiful, intelligent almost childlike
I hate being told to go to bed. I also
spirit that has simply thrived in our
dislike having to ask for money for
life together and the sweet intimacy
things other than groceries, because
that it brings.
I hate to be told “no!” “No, Susie,
I apologize for the lengthy dia-
I'm sorry you can't buy that dress,
tribe, but she is a passion of mine
it's not in the budget and you don't
and I could go on and on. I would be
need it.” Argh! But I don't lash out
pleased to clarify or answer any fur-
anymore...I grumble and I complain
ther questions you may have but
a little, but I don't rage at him. Just
that is as honest and raw a recollec-
as I make the effort not to react bad-
tion of our life as I can tell you.90

*
“First year trials,” 10 November 2003.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ly or behave brattily, he makes the way of life. But so many people no-
effort not to thwart me for trivial tice him doing it. It's amazing. And
reasons. We've fine-tuned the dy- we get comments too. How roman-
namic to suit us. :-) tic we look. “Your man sure takes
See, there's no prize for having the care of you.” Or, I sure am lucky to
most masterful hubby, or for getting have a man who is so attentive.
the most dramatic punishments... But the funniest was this past Sep-
there's only the prize of your beauti- tember. Our daughter started a new
ful, unique relationship with your primary school. In the second week I
unique partner. think, we happened to be home to-
So yeah, I still get mad, only not as gether and both went to pick her up
often and not as intensely. :-) Here's after school. Because the weather
where spanking comes in... (you had been so beautiful, I had been
knew it had to be in here some- staying after school and using the
where, no?) When I get into a mood playground to burn some energy off
where I feel cranky, out of sorts, or her. I would sit on the bench. This
just uppity, that's when a spank- time Gary was with me. When it was
ing—not punishment—a “just be- time to go, we all walked to the
cause” spanking puts me right. It truck.
makes me feel little and loved and As usual, I get in, but Gary puts on
grateful. I'm not talking erotic my seatbelt, kisses me and shuts my
spanking, the kind we do because it door.
gets us both hot, with lots of touch- Well the next day at pick-up time,
ing and rubbing, I'm talking a busi- a woman whom I'd been friendly
nesslike “you need this and I'm go- with at park time told me I caused
ing to give it to you” spanking. such a ruckus. All the other mothers
When it's over and I'm sobbing into saw what Gary did—putting me in
Robert's shirt I feel as if all is right in the car and all—and they couldn't
my world. Then I get up with a stop talking about me, apparently.
smile, suffused with loving feelings, I thought that was hilarious. Gary
and have a much better attitude. So a says each time we start a new school
big dose of rational self-talk plus a or something we have to train the
good spanking now and then gets us onlookers. Because we really do
and keeps us happy.91 things differently from other cou-
ples.92
“ROMANTIC RITUALS FOR THE TAKEN IN
HAND” (13 NOVEMBER 2003) “IT'S LIKE THIS, BELOVED: I NEED TO BE
SPANKED” (15 NOVEMBER 2003)
When Gary and I are out, he al-
ways puts my coat on, and then I Owing to some misunderstandings
have to turn to him so he can do it in regard to this piece, may I stress
up. It's one of our little rituals that that this is fiction: it was inspired by
was one of the original things I had a question posed on one of the DD
to submit to. Now we just do as a groups by a woman with a husband

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who sounds lovely but who had not watching that that old black and
cottoned on to her desire for a seri- white film I wanted us to see—The
ous whipping now and again. I my- Vagabond King—and you thought I
self do not have a husband of any must either have got the wrong film
description, I am single! or that I must have completely lost
My dear husband, my marbles?
I have something to tell you. This And you know how, when you
is possibly the most important letter complained and wanted to watch
I have ever written to you. OK, OK, the rugby instead, I grabbed that
so it is the only letter I have ever wooden ruler and whacked you on
written to you—but humour me, the bottom with it? (Yeah, like you
will you? This is important. could forget that!)
No, I haven't been up to no good Well the good news is, I haven't
with the milkman (though that turned violent, I was just trying to
strapping young man who is his son get a reaction out of you. I wanted
might be difficult to resist!), and no, you to get physical with me, real-
I don't have any (more) complaints ly physical. I wanted to experience
about you, and no, I haven't gone to your considerable size and strength
the Dark Side and joined a religious in a bit of old-fashioned wrestling
cult or started using Microsoft roly-poly rough-and-tumble slap-
products. and-tickle—with the emphasis on
I don't know whether you have the “slap” bit.
noticed, but I have been a pain in the What am I driving at?
backside lately. Actually, you don't Goodness, this is difficult!
seem to have noticed. And you I want you to put me over your
know what? One of the things I to- knee (or on the bed, on the couch, or
tally love about you is that you are anywhere really) and—not to put
so serene, unruffled, and even- too fine a point on it—give me a jolly
tempered. I love how you never lose good thrashing; and then give me a
your calm—it makes me feel so safe jolly good seeing-to, as only you can.
and relaxed and happy. Never And I don't mean just a one-off: I'd
change! like this as often as your age, inclina-
But given your marvellous imper- tion, health issues, work commit-
turbability, I have realised that I ments, and required TV viewing,
need to be more direct when making will allow.
requests. Telling you in words Incidentally, when I say “thrash-
would be a good start. You can't be ing”, I mean hard, using all your
expected to be a mind reader— strength! Really! (Just think, you can
though you so often seem to know get an arm workout without going
what I'm thinking... especially the to the gym!) And I mean everything
other night when you.... well any- from spanking to whipping.
way, where was I? Oh yes. Im- I know you wondered if I'd taken
portant Information to Impart. up riding when you saw that I'd
Do you remember the other day bought a riding crop. And you must
when you were lying on your front have thought it a bit odd that I sud-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
denly felt the urge to buy a set of Yes, I know, I know, what's wrong
extra strong wooden spoons— with the direct approach? And how
obviously, it couldn't be for cooking, did I expect you to guess this partic-
given my singular lack of interest in ular interpretation of my out-of-
that department! And then there is character behaviour? I concede that
the old-fashioned schoolmaster's it hasn't worked at all, and I feel
cane that appeared on your night quite silly for having done this, and
table and that you asked me to re- more than a bit remorseful.
move. You didn't wonder about I am so embarrassed! I don't know
that at all? why, but it has taken a lot of nerve
And since I am coming clean here, for me to pluck up the courage to tell
you know how I've been behaving you this. But now I have, might it be
more and more like an irresponsible possible for us to talk about it? Do
schoolgirl of late? You know—I've you have any questions? Is this
unaccountably started forgetting to something you could do? Can we
take my mobile phone with me have some fun with this?
when I go out, I've been not getting Yours, as ever,
enough sleep, and on more than one Etc.
occasion I have become so engrossed [Husband reads the letter…. I look
in er… my er… “internet research”, to see how he is taking it, and won-
that I have quite forgotten the dinner der how I am ever going to be able
cooking in the oven (hence your to introduce the idea of more serious
recent characteristically mild en- “discipline” to him if we can't even
quiry about whether there is some manage to get to grips with the
medical benefit to be gained by eat- light-hearted fun variety….]
ing charcoal). Hey, you're smiling! Splendid! Oh
Well first let me say once again how lovely! What shall we….
how much I appreciate your imper- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
turbability. I greatly admire your PUT ME DOWN! I didn't mean
equanimity in the face of what NOW! Not HERE! Oww! Oww!
would have driven lesser men to Hey, that HURT! Cut it out, you big
seek solace in the arms of a divorce bully! You don't know your own
lawyer. Forgive me. I don't want to strength!
irritate you—and evidently it doesn't [Swoon… My hero....]93
work anyway! You're so solid and
sensible! My rock! (And gosh, what “THE CHANGES SHOW! WHAT SHOULD I
a rock! Swoon! But enough of these TELL PEOPLE?!” (17 NOVEMBER 2003)
irrelevant digressions.)
The reason I have been doing all Something very interesting hap-
these things is not a sign of en- pened to me last weekend. My sis-
croaching menopause or early senili- ter, Gwendolyn, came to visit us
ty, it is that I have been wanting you with her husband. Gwen and I have
to take control and take me in hand, been very close for more years than I
and this was my way of attempting care to remember, but she and Zack
to communicate that to you.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
have been abroad for the past year, of, the one they tell you doesn't exist
in Africa, so we haven't seen one outside romance novels.
another for over a year and have not Gwen was so surprised by my
kept in touch while they were away. new, more feminine, much more
When she arrived, we embraced in attractive style of dress, and by my
a great big hug, and then got peaceful, much more confident,
straight into making coffee and happy air, that she thought I must be
catching up. She told me about their having an affair!
life in Africa (“our African adven- I told her that I am indeed having
ture”, she called it) and we each a steamy affair—with my husband.
marvelled at how the other's kids She wanted to know all the details.
have grown. Even though we are very close, I did
Then the kids wanted to go to not want to tell her. Gwen is quite a
McDonalds so my gorgeous hus- strong feminist, and when I was
band took them all plus other hubby involved in a BDSM relationship
off, leaving me and Gwen in peace many years ago before I was mar-
for a while. ried, and before I discovered what I
The minutes the front door really want (not BDSM!), she was
slammed behind them, Gwen said to upset about it when I told her about
me, “Debra, talk to me. What's hap- it. Her reaction then had surprised
pened? Something's different. me, and I feared another bad reac-
You've changed. Is everything okay tion this time too. So I tried not to
between you and Jerry?” tell her. But she was very persistent,
Initially, I didn't get where her and then she asked if we'd gone
questions were coming from. Jerry BDSM.
and I must have started exploring I said no, I'm not into that, but I do
our natural tendencies towards think of Jerry as the master of the
dominance and submission over a house, and he does make the deci-
year ago now, and the changes hap- sions and expect me to obey at least
pened over time, so it took me some of the time.
awhile to realize what changes my “Does he hit you?” was her imme-
sister was seeing in me. What she diate suspicious reaction.
saw was a slimmer, more attractive- Well you know when you get
ly dressed, more serene, more hap- asked that, there's probably no an-
py, more content, and yes, more in swer you can give that's going to sit
love looking woman than the one well with them. So I ignored the
she'd seen last. Since Jerry took the question and pointed out that she
reins and became the master of the had seen not an abused, battered
house, my libido has gone through wife, but a wife so happy and peace-
the roof, and our sex life is better ful that she thought I must be hav-
than it's ever been. We're so in love! ing an affair! That worked. Perhaps
He's my knight in shining armour. a bit too well. She wants to know the
He's so attentive and chivalrous to full details. She wants to know what
me now, I feel like a queen. I truly our secret is. She wants to know so
have the marriage I always dreamed she can try it too. Help! What am I
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
going to tell her?! Has anyone else ously a late-learner. I guess it was all
had this experience? What did you there for a long time and I just didn't
say? Please give me advice!94 realise how much she needed me to
take total care of her.)
“SURRENDERED IN LOVE” (19 NOVEMBER To reinforce what is now lov-
2003) ing dominance and submission, we
have recently added domestic disci-
My wife and I have known each pline (DD) (i.e., spanking), mainly to
other for 35 years and been married help her with keeping to diets, not
33. I am a young 63, she is 53, looks “losing” keys so frequently, etc.
about thirty-five and acts like a deli- We are both serially experienced
cious courtesan ... but only for me. university graduates and my wife
About eighteen months ago, after has a very senior post in the outside
one of our “you are my sexy-slave” world. Nobody in our wide family
erotic games (we have had a lovely realises what we have discovered ...
fantasy sex-life for years) my wife our two sons, 26 and 28, who have
said she wanted to be “surrendered” been living away from home since
(as in The Surrendered Wife). university, do, however, tend to
At first it was, perhaps, a joke or, think that we are like love-crazy
more likely, because she realised teenagers. My wife laughs like a
something that I had not. Initially drain to think what some of her
this was only part-time but very more starchy colleagues would think
soon we realised that we both need- if they knew we had this delicious
ed her to be totally surrendered, full relationship. It has left our “old”
time. marriage light-years in the past and
What does this consist of? She gets we now live very happily on another
my total care and love and, since I planet, called “unbelievable love”—
retired early, my complete house- or anything you want to call total
husbandry, including care of all our happiness.
joint money and estate—and she If it sounds crazy and quite daft to
now has a (substantial) “allowance”. you (and some readers are no doubt
In turn, her watch-words have be- about to throw up), I suggest you try
come: total care, love it... you might be amazed how much
and obedience for me and to me. you might love it all. It could totally
Now we both delight in living like change your life for the infinite bet-
this all the time. ter—for ever. Neither of us were
Eighteen months on, we are both ever wild swoon-eyed romantics—
so much more in love and loving, both tough as boots—our profes-
and so totally together and insepa- sions needed it—but this is great!95
rable, than we ever were in the rest
of our happy marriage. (I'm obvi-

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“LIBERATED THROUGH SUBMISSION” (20 rendered to him but he does all the
housework. Sounds like heaven to
NOVEMBER 2003) me! (On the other hand, you might
want to use the transforming power
Given my interest in the trans-
of your erotic connection to turn
forming power of consensual domi-
housework from a trauma into a
nance and submission, you might
turn-on. But more about that anoth-
not be surprised to learn that I read
er time.)
everything about this that I can get
This next bit, I include just because
my hands on. When I heard
it made me laugh (but I'm laugh-
about Liberated Through Submission,
ing with him, not at him, so that's all
by P. Bunny Wilson, I ordered it
right, isn't it?!
immediately. It turned out to be a
very short book which did not really [A] man … tearfully explained the
say very much. Or perhaps it does difficulties he was having with his
but I was unable to get beyond the wife. After the man went through a
fact that the book takes very much a long list of faults, my pastor asked
Biblical approach. However, there him, “What was she like when you
were a few good bits I thought I'd married her?”
share. “Oh pastor,” he quickly replied,
“she wasn't anything like she is to-
One bit very close to my heart was
day. She was so nice.”
about how traumatic housework is My pastor responded, “Well, she
for many women. My comments are became the way she is now under
in square brackets. your leadership!” (p. 77)

She probably feels the task [i.e., Yes, if you thought this was a book
housework] is extremely arduous and aimed at helping women to submit
taxing. [Perhaps too arduous and tax-
to their husbands in accordance with
ing for a woman?] One thing is cer-
tain: too much pressure can have the Biblical injunction to obey, you
negative results and will place undue were wrong. Or not wholly right,
strain on the relationship. […] anyway. Quite a lot of it seems to be
Don't fall into the trap of thinking aimed at husbands. If you are Chris-
that just because she's a woman, she tian, you might enjoy this book. If
should know how to clean. Develop not, I would not personally recom-
ideas that will build her self-esteem mend it, despite the fabulous title.96
and encourage her in that area.
[C]onsider hiring a cleaning person
on a weekly basis. [Only weekly?!] “WHY A MAN MIGHT BE RELUCTANT AND
Whatever you do, your wife will ap- WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT” (21 NOVEMBER
preciate your understanding… (p. 82)
2003)
Quite right. Learn from Ben's shin-
Many women trying to introduce
ing example!* His wife is totally sur-
discipline dynamics into their rela-
tionship have trouble explaining
*
‘Surrendered in love,” 19 November their needs to their partner. They
2003. also wonder how to help the man
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
understand how discipline dynam- for both the man and woman. Disci-
ics will benefit him and the relation- pline is like that—an exchange or
ship they both share. Over the interaction of the masculine and
course of several years I have seen feminine sexual energy that mani-
and heard women try different fests in deepening love.
strategies, some working fairly well If the man is hesitant at first to ac-
and some not working well at all. cept that you really, really want him
Based on this experience, I propose a to take this kind of control during
multi-pronged approach. the normal course of your relation-
First, it is most important to have a ship, the important thing is to listen
good grasp of the nature of your to him carefully. Listen not only to
own needs. Talk with other women what he is saying and asking, but
who have taken this road with suc- also to clues of possible underlying
cess—those in successful intimate unstated fears.
discipline relationships. Here are some of the questions or
So what is the nature of the need concerns he may ask directly or may
for discipline? We can argue ad in- be thinking but may not voice.
finitum whether the need for disci- 1:) Do you want me to enforce
pline is nature or nurture and none your behavior, make you follow
of this really matters in the end. The some set of rules or such? You are a
fact is that we have a very real need grown woman so why can't you
for this kind of discipline engage- mind what you do yourself? It all
ment, and we relish the kind of in- sounds rather tedious and, to be
teraction we gain through spanking, honest, I really don't have the time
especially when there is an appear- or inclination to do this.
ance of control such as in discipline. Do you really want him to enforce
Oftentimes, erotic bedroom play rules? Do you want to give him the
alone is not enough: we want the impression that you want discipline
interactive force that seems to take because you have fundamental
away our power and control. Ulti- flaws in your personality or charac-
mately, discipline is a way of enrich- ter that only a loving man can cor-
ing our intimacy, a different kind of rect? Do you want to have the expec-
loving. tation that your partner should be
If your man enjoys erotic spank- responsible for your behavior within
ing, it is possible to explain your your intimate, adult relationship? If
desire for intimate discipline control not, this perception of his, spoken or
dynamics as another form of sexual unspoken, must be corrected.
expression; i.e. spanking and related 2:) Why can't we just spank like we
behaviors are a way of enriching and used too? You know, when we are
deepening intimacy. In conventional going to make love, kind of that
lovemaking, a woman often likes to kinky little element that is really so
be held by the hands or pinned un- delightful?
derneath the man. This apparent In answer to this, explain how his
giving up of intimate control un- taking control of the spanking has a
locks an exchange that is powerful
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much more powerful effect for you the relationship, deepening his inti-
than the “fun stuff” alone does. mate bond of connection.
3:) It seems to me that you (the I think this will give many women
woman) may have some serious a place to start explaining to the man
emotional disturbance. Perhaps you what he will gain by beginning the
should see a doctor or a psychiatrist practice of intimate discipline in his
or something. Why else would you relationship. The details a couple
want me to beat you, forcing you to chooses will vary as each relation-
give up control of what you want? ship varies but, I think, the funda-
Why else would you want a pretty mental dynamic of discipline must
serious thrashing? be the same for all. Discipline, re-
This thought is likely to go gardless of its form or context, al-
through most men's minds, so give it ways involves a fundamental dy-
some serious consideration. You are namic exchange or interaction with-
perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, in our sexuality, an intimate connec-
intelligent, successful in your life tion of the masculine and feminine
and in your social and professional that is both delicious and sublime.
standing. But you want your inti- We need the discipline or control to
mate partner to unceremoniously enhance this exchange or it is very
turn you over his lap and give you a weak. In the end, the man gains
sound bare bottom spanking. What what the woman gains—a sense of
could possibly be wrong? his true self and his true masculine
Truth is, nothing is wrong. Spank- nature in his intimacy, the ability to
ing is inherently erotic. But the con- deepen and genuine joy in experi-
trol element creates an intimate ex- encing greater depths in human
change that enriches the experience love.97
of both the man and the woman. The
control is so crucial in this exchange “HANDS-ON APPROACH” (22 NOVEMBER
that very little can be gained without 2003)
it. Using spanking as the behavior
gateway because of its erotic content
I can't claim to have the kind of re-
for us, this control has the power to
lationship that some lucky folks
transform the man-woman intimate
have documented on this site, but I
bond into something that is, for us,
can say that my wife and I have ben-
natural and sublime.
efited from the discovery that I enjoy
Spanking the woman with control
taking a more hands-on approach to
has the power to give the man a real
dealing with her.
and conscious awareness of his nat-
I've been married to Sam for al-
ural place in his intimate relation-
most 20 years, and for most of that
ship. He is in charge of the intimacy
we seemed to coast through simply
of the couple, not responsible for the
on pure love and momentum. We
behavior conduct of anyone but
hit the occasional patches of turbu-
himself. This sense of his enhanced
lence that affect most (if not all) long
masculinity permeates throughout
term relationships, and somewhere

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along the line it became clear that when she acts childishly). So I try to
my wife needed a firmer hand to love and control her to the extent
help her through the maze of de- she's comfortable with, then push it
pression and low self esteem that a bit further. When I get this right,
she seems prone to experiencing. she finds it exciting and pleasurable,
These were the worst of times, but I and it also shows her that my needs
found that if I took the view that are still present and as important as
they were merely dips in the road, ever.
we could rise above the situation I believe that the key to increasing
and be rewarded with a view of life the sphere of control and discipline a
that revealed the potentials awaiting woman enjoys is (1) to take it slowly,
us. (2) to make the control loving and
When the world seemed too over- erotic for her, and (3) to be highly
whelming to her, I offered her a sensitive to any possible lack of con-
shoulder to cry on, and two strong sent. By “erotic”, I do not mean role-
arms to envelop her in. Due to the playing or interacting in obviously-
issues of past abuse that Sam has sexual ways. I mean that the man
had to deal with (she was raped a should find subtle ways of signalling
year or so before we met), there have to the woman that the control is
been areas that were and are still off erotic dominance rather than domi-
limits in our relationship. I lived neering control. Apparently there's a
with these limits for years before world of difference for women. :-)
realizing that I resented them. I am My wife would not be able to func-
not a man who is comfortable pay- tion well if I pushed too far or too
ing someone else's bills in perpetui- fast. I've found that I have to be ex-
ty, so over the past couple of years I tremely sensitive to her most subtle
have been gently but firmly chang- wishes in order to get this right.
ing that. Consent is essential. But the more I
To my delight, she is gradually get it right, the better our connection
discovering that physically- becomes.
expressed control is not completely Another thing I've discovered is
unappealing to her. Likewise, I am that withdrawing and giving her
discovering the pleasure of forms of space when there's a problem com-
control that are much more subtle pounds the problem by adding a
than I had initially envisaged. We feeling on her part of rejection. It
are exploring together and creating turns out that I need to be more de-
something new that suits us as indi- manding and almost selfish instead
viduals and jointly. of giving her space. When I stay
I can't define our relationship us- connected with her, even if I am
ing terms like “D/s”, “BDSM” or being demanding, and sometimes
“DD”. None of those really apply to especially then, she does not feel
the level of subtle control she enjoys. rejected.
She doesn't want to be punished Erotic spanking has brought us
(even when she brats), or feel that closer. It is not punishment; rather it
she is being treated like a child (even is a non-subtle expression of my
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affection for her. It is something she She likes to please me but I can't
can take or leave when it is on its push it too far. :-) She is very strong
own, but when it is part of a bed- willed, but that's part of the fun. She
room feast, it is the spice that can does also submit to me and that
really bring out a deeper flavour of brings us closer.
passion. In fact, now that she is be- All this has meant an adjustment
ginning to see that the effect on me for both of us, and I try to handle my
of delivering such attention to her role responsibly, with regard for her
beautiful behind is so positive, dis- health and wellbeing. We have been
cipline is (slowly) escaping from married a long time, but thanks to
being a bedroom-only activity. In a the discovery of spanking and con-
way, you could say that she is lead- trol, we are still learning wonderful
ing the way, with the gentlest of new things about each other and
loving pushes from behind by me. ourselves all the time. The journey
To try to move any faster would continues.98
cause us to crash and burn.
There are other aspects of control “NO MORE WAITING!” (23 NOVEMBER
that I use to underscore the fact that 2003)
she is loved, but that she is al-
so my woman. Women seem to like If your guy insisted on taking you
it when their man's a bit possessive to an important meeting then failed
but not oppressive, don't they? Like to get you there on time, how would
when you show a little concern you feel? If your guy said he'd pick
about what she's wearing when she you up at 6 PM and called you at
goes out without you—is it modest 5:55 to tell you he was running late
enough? This type of control makes and would be there in an hour…
her feel desirable. Or when you in- and then he didn't show up till 7:30,
sist on speaking to her internet how would you feel? What if it hap-
friend before she meets her in per- pened often, not just a one-off?
son. This makes her feel protected. Would you be happy about that?
Some of the best forms of control are Girlfriend, are you a floor wipe or
those that make her feel protected, what?
loved and desirable. My wife loves This is not about being made to
that kind of control, and she also stand in the corner or go to your
likes to please me, so I have her room when you've been a naughty
serve me in various small ways. girl, it's not about being made to
When I get home from the office, I wait all day for a spanking, and it's
sit down and she gets me a drink not about waking up in the middle
while we talk about the day. Then of the night and your guy telling
she kneels at my feet and takes off you to wait in safety while he brave-
my shoes. In the morning, she brings ly checks out what sounds like a
me coffee and makes my breakfast. gang of housebreakers but is proba-
These little rituals are not time- bly just your cat knocking over a pile
consuming or arduous so she can do
them without feeling like a servant.
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of junk your guy left on the kitchen cessing time than we think some-
table. times. Give him that space and time.
And sad to say, we're not talking Wait!
the kind of waiting that makes you When this has made no measura-
tingle and shake. This is not about ble difference after a reasonable
being expected to wait for your guy amount of time (a decade?) has
to open doors for you or put on your passed, if you're like most women,
coat. I'm not talking about the time you'll go for The Suicidal Solution
he tells you to wait in the bedroom and tell him We Need To Talk. If
while the visiting beauty therapist you do that, you'll get to see how
gets set up, and you're shaking with fast he can run. Then, if explaining
anticipation and the fun type of fear your feelings over and over and
of the unknown because your guy trying to get him to promise not to
hasn't told you exactly what's going be late again didn't work (duh!),
to happen. We're talking about you can try getting mad at him
when you're made to wait around and throw something. If you do this,
because your guy's unreliable or be sure to duck. You're playing with
chronically late. If you hate waiting fire, and you're gonna get burned.
and your guy makes you do a lot of Some women swear by nagging and
it, it's time to do something about it. sulking. They want to make extra
First, have you told him you don't sure of getting a bad reaction. Let's
like it? Sounds obvious but you face it, it would take a saint not to
wouldn't believe how often women react badly to that!
forget to tell the guy there's a prob- The Suicidal Solution won't work
lem. Yeah, I know, he oughta know! except in cases of unusually good
If the boot was on the other foot, luck. It will make him either a) wan-
he'd be real pissed. But he's a der out into the back yard to find his
man your man, so cut him some missing running shoe (the one that
slack. He's well-meaning, or you went missing two years ago… in a
wouldn't be with him, right? If his different state),
girl's not happy, he's gonna want to or b) give a lot of plausible-
hear about it. sounding excuses, or dismiss your
When you tell him, ya gotta do it concerns, refuse to talk about them,
in a way he can hear. There's noth- and if he's really pissed, he'll accuse
ing more confrontational than an you of being controlling.
accusatory opener. Give him that If your guy gives you the b) (that's
and he'll simply shut down all sys- “b”? as in “bullsh-t”?) response, you
tems and prepare for battle. Don't go have only yourself to blame. The
there. Be nice. And don't repeat Suicidal Solution could have been
yourself over and over. He heard called How to infuriate just about any-
you the first time. And the second. one In microseconds. I'm not saying
And the third. He has a functioning there's no case to answer, I'm saying
brain, right? So tell him once only, that whining, nagging and sulking is
then retreat and let him think about counterproductive. Ya gotta get
it some. Men People need more pro- smart!
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
One way to get smart could be to he's been delayed again and he'll be
use childlike anger (as in Helen there “very soon”? … and then calls
Andelin's book, Fascinating Woman- you again 20 minutes later to say
hood). That would be the soft, femi- he'll be another half-hour, simply do
nine little girl way. I'm gonna tell the same to him.
you the Str8 Talkin' Mutha way. If Don't get mad, don't nag, don't
you can't take the heat, you know sulk, don't cry, just do exactly what
what to do. he does, only more so. Tell him
A girlfriend of mine went through you'll be there soon, assure him
this with her ex (that's why he's ex). you'll be there momentarily, keep
She told me that when she tried rea- him waiting with any excuse you
soning with her guy, he as good as can come up with… and then some-
accused her of being insufficiently times (when it suits you) don't both-
submissive! He expected her to obe- er showing up at all. When he says
diently wait around for him for he's coming over, and at the speci-
hours just because he couldn't get fied time he hasn't shown up, go out
his act together to show up when he shopping. When he calls you on the
said he would. cell to ask where you are, assure him
Then he accused her of trying to you'll be there, and then continue
control him and of “topping from shopping. When he calls again, say
the bottom”?. She calls this “the typ- how sorry you are and that you are
ical response of a passive-aggressive on your way—and try on another
control freak.”? Ouch! Anyways, the dress. Eventually, he'll get the mes-
Suicidal Solution didn't work for my sage. Unless…
girlfriend. Trust me, it sucks. So Wanna have some fun? Then try
what can you do instead? If you've this next approach too. Warning: high
told him there's a problem and he's risk Str8 Talkin' Mutha strategy!
shown no sign of listening, it's time Sometimes, when convenient, like
to stop reacting and start acting. when he's coming home, instead of
While taking action, be your usual not being there, be there, and be
sweet self throughout. (If you're not prepared. Have a range of imple-
sweet, that could be part of your ments at the ready, and know how
problem…) Never get angry. Never to use them. It's time the worm
act sulky. Keep it breezy at all times. turned. He needs his hide tanned,
Be unthreatening. Don't act like and you're gonna do it for him. If he
you're at war. This is not a war, it's complains, too bad. He deserves it,
education in a language he can un- and he knows it.
derstand. The details will depend on your
What do you do? If he keeps you relationship and the type of guy
waiting for 20 minutes, you keep you're dealing with. You could try
him waiting for another 40. What's taking a very stern approach and
good enough behavior for him is appealing to his sense of fairness to
good enough behavior for you too, get him to submit to the whipping. If
right? If he tells you he'll be there in that doesn't work, you might need to
30, then calls you in 30 to tell you try more devious means. Does your
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guy like being given a massage? spankings” are, as I understand it,
Then offer him one and he'll bare his spankings given regularly for no
butt without a murmur. Does your particular reason except that the
guy occasionally let you tie him up woman is feeling the need for more
and having you use his body for discipline than she would otherwise
your (and more to the point, his) get.
pleasure? Then sweetly beg him to Women commonly complain that
let you now, then tie him up, face their men do not enforce discipline
down or on his side, and give it to consistently, or that instead of get-
him good and hard. Does your guy ting out an implement, they go into
sleep? There will be a way. their cave, i.e., withdraw, sulk, give
If you sense real non-consent, ob- them the silent treatment, or that
viously, stop. But chances are, he'll they just plain don't spank them
be tickled by it and enjoy having an enough.
excuse to put you over his knee to Well-meaning folk then urge them
re-establish his authority. That's to ask their men for “maintenance
where the real fun starts! You'll both discipline”.
be laughing, and he'll have got the For some women, this is a frustrat-
message too, without any of that ing and unhelpful answer, because if
whining and sulking and endless they have to ask to be spanked, it
complaining less smart women do. just doesn't feel the same. More im-
If the high-risk strategy's too much portantly, perhaps, they have little
for you, you could show him this interest in being spanked per se,
article and merely threaten him what they want is to feel
(playfully!) with a good spanking or, the authority and control (dominant
if you want to scare him real good, a constraint) of their man, and spank-
whipping. ing only (or only strongly) gives
If he reacts badly and he still keeps them this feeling if it is for a reason.
you waiting and it's still not working Being spanked out of a disciplinary
for you, then girlfriend, it's time for or dominantly constraining context
Plan B. You need to walk. And I just doesn't feel the same, no matter
don't mean walk to meet him.99 how hard it is.
It is not that many such women
“WHY YOU SHOULDN'T MENTION THE 'M' don't want the more light-hearted,
WORD” (24 NOVEMBER 2003) teasing, fun, playful sort of spank-
ing—it is fun to play sometimes. It is
Okay, I confess! I misled you. This that that sort of spanking does not
is not about the “M” word as in fulfil their wish to be under the
“marriage”, it is about the “M” word dominant authority of their man.
as in “maintenance discipline”. To be sure, some men are able to
Forgive me, but I'm with Aiden on make their authority felt without
this one: “maintenance” sounds like any spanking at all. And some men
something you do on a car, not a are able to spank “just because they
woman. At any rate, “maintenance can” or in such a way as to make

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their authority felt, reason or no rea- ishment spanking, one thing you
son. could do, if you are the head of your
But if these so-called maintenance household, is this. Try to become
spankings leave you cold, the chanc- more aware of the little things and,
es are, it is because they simply don't when something happens, to ask
have the same meaning for you as yourself whether it is time to assert
the real thing for real reasons. Even your authority in some way, per-
if you both have in mind that this is haps by a spanking.
what could happen if you disobey If a woman appears to be doing
him—a “what to expect spanking”— stupid things on a regular basis, or if
it is still likely to feel different from she just seems to feel the need for
the real thing, just as role-playing or more discipline than you feel like
playing feels different from the real giving her, what she is really saying
thing. is that she craves more dominant
This is not to say that those who control. If this is the case, introduc-
are happy with regular spankings ing “maintenance spankings” might
should change anything. Far from it! not be the answer, because it is not
If you enjoy what you are doing, the spanking per se that she craves,
that is wonderful! (And when you're but the dominant control. So it is
not getting any, believe me, even a worth thinking about additional,
light and quite inadvertent tap on non-physical ways you could assert
the rear by the incontinent elderly your authority. There are
gentleman who is behind you in the many ideas on Taken In Hand.
queue at the post office is enough to Sometimes, focusing narrowly on
get you excited!) spanking alone can cause it to lose
But if you have found “mainte- its meaning and thus its power. Re-
nance spankings” frustratingly un- member: for many women, the point
moving, you are not alone, and there is not the spanking per se but the
is a perfectly reasonable explanation, dominant authorityit represents.100
as I have indicated.
As to what can be done instead, “BEING TAKEN IN HAND IS HOT!” (25
that is a good question. I think there NOVEMBER 2003)
is a good starting point for an an-
swer in Aiden's article, “The path.” This desire for control is at least
He points out that “a woman natu- partly sexual. It may be indirectly so,
rally pushes out against her man, but it is sexual nevertheless. We are
wanting to feel the solid reassurance thrilled in every way by that control.
of his dominance, of his love, It is no coincidence that romance
around her.” He suggests that a man novels are full of strong, take-charge
who is attentive and aware of his heroes. Many women are simply not
woman's needs will notice the signs attracted to men who lack the capac-
that she needs this reassurance that ity to take them firmly in hand.
he is in control. So instead of being For such women, part of the erotic
very easy-going about small matters power of the idea of being taken in
and saving it all up for a major pun-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
hand is in the very fact that the con- that their men do not spank them
trol of the man is real. For many enough. And they most definitely
women, if it were just a bit of fun, a would not want to wave that magic
bedroom game or a role-playing wand to turn their man into a non-
“scene”, it would not have the pow- spanker. If anything, they want him
er to arouse and thrill the way it to be more bossy and forceful, not
does. This is not to disparage those less. Unless the man is physically or
who enjoy BDSM scenes: each to his mentally abusive. In which case, the
own. But for the women I refer to, if woman would wave that magic
the control were only ever expressed wand to end the abuse but still have
in role-playing scenes, it would not the love, just like most children
feel real enough. It would feel like a would wave the magic wand to
mere game. Some people do dismiss make their parents non-spankers.
what we are doing as just a game. In one case, there is wholeheart-
It can be slightly irritating to be ed consent; in the others, the author-
told that the way of life you pas- ity and control is against the will of
sionately cherish is all just a mere those subject to it.
game, but it is worth identifying the The word “authority” implies hav-
tiny grain of truth in that accusation, ing the right to control and direct the
if only to be more clear about the actions of those subject to it. So it
way in which it is false. could be argued that since men and
What is the grain of truth in such women are equal under the law, no
statements? Other things being man has real authority over his
equal, a woman who craves a rela- woman. And indeed, even if a man
tionship with a take-charge man is and a woman decide that the man
choosing this of her own free will, does have that right, the woman is
and chooses it freely on an on-going legally free to withdraw that right
basis. Conversely, a prisoner does unilaterally at any time. The prison-
not choose to remain in prison, he is er and the child are not legally free
there genuinely against his will. If he to walk out. So if you insist that the
were at liberty to choose otherwise, “right” implied by the word “au-
he would do so (at least in most cas- thority” must be a legal right as op-
es). Similarly, most children are not posed to any other kind of right,
choosing genuinely freely to be un- then it is true that the man has no
der the authority of their parents more authority over his woman than
and schoolteachers. If they could she has over him. But why insist
wave a magic wand and have their that?
parents change from being involved You may want to argue that the
and loving parents who spank them fact that it is consensual proves that
to involved and loving parents who the dominant authority of the man is
don't, most would do so. just a game. But if you do, you are
Can you imagine a child complain- missing something. You are simp-
ing that she doesn't get enough ly defining “real authority and con-
spankings? The idea is completely trol” as non-consensual. That is all
absurd. But women often complain very well, but many of us experience
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
what we think of as games very, charge or not? If he only spanks her
very differently from how we expe- in a fun, playful way, and has never
rience this very welcome thing you established his authority, there
think is just a game but which to us might be some doubt as to whether
feels like very real control. How do or not he is in charge. One way of
you explain that? You can dismiss establishing his authority (though by
the experience of thousands of Tak- no means the only way) is through
en In Hand readers if you want to, serious, non-fun disciplinary spank-
but that doesn't invalidate it. ing. So how is that erotic?
Because the control needs to be re- Suppose a woman behaves unac-
al to have the powerful effect it has, ceptably in some way, and the man
some conclude that they must draw takes the woman in hand and gives
a hard line between what they call her a severe, painful spanking to
“erotic spanking” and what they call show her who's boss and to let her
“punishment spanking”. If they know that he will not tolerate such
don't hate “punishment spankings” behaviour. No matter how much it
in exactly the same way as the aver- hurts at the time, unless something
age child hates to be spanked—then has gone wrong, the end result is
(their reasoning goes) we might as that the woman feels a sense of
well pack up and go home and stop submissive peace, love, a desire to
wasting everybody's time. If a pun- please the man. She feels his, and
ishment is in any way erotic, it must she feels strong sexual desire for
be just a game, a “scene”, a “kink” or him. She might not feel this immedi-
a fetish. But it does not follow from ately after the spanking—the effect
the fact that it is erotic that it must is not that direct, it works in a much
be just a bit of kinky fun, and we more general way, assuring her of
should resist the temptation to buy his authority over her. It is that au-
into this idea. thority—and the woman's aware-
First, for some women, a serious ness of and experience of that au-
spanking is not directly erotic at all, thority—that produces and main-
it is scary, painful and can be quite tains so powerfully those feelings in
distressing. In some cases, there may the woman. For the women I am
be physical evidence of sexual discussing here, it is not spanking in
arousal that the woman herself is not itself that has that effect, it is the
consciously aware of. In other cases, ever-present authority that the
there is no evidence of arousal at all. spanking represents.
And yet I still say that it is erotic. If the man has not established his
Why? authority over her, she might not
What is actually erotic is being un- feel this strong sexual and emotional
der the control of the man. But be- desire for him and connection with
cause that control needs to be real if him on an on-going basis over the
it is to have the erotic power it does, years or decades. But for as long as
at some point, or on an on-going she is aware of his authority, she
basis, the man needs to establish the feels sexually and emotionally
reality of his authority. Is he in drawn to him. This is the sense in
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which so-called “punishment spank- No point arguing. You have to want
ings” are erotic. it yourself or it can't work, so I tried
In my next article,* I address the to let it go, and cried inside whenev-
following question: “If a woman er I thought too much about it all.
finds the idea of being taken in hand To be honest, a few days ago, I de-
erotic, how can taking her in hand cided to stop reading Taken In
also ‘work’ to modify her behav- Hand because I did not want to be
iour?”101 reminded every day of my life of
what I don't have. It seems as
“I FEAR I HAVE AWOKEN A SLEEPING though you should be happy with
DRAGON” (26 NOVEMBER 2003) what you have. Thinking about
what you don't have could make
I've been reading Taken In you go mad with sadness. I have
Hand since late September, but it been living in a very grey world
wasn't until about a two weeks ago these last two weeks.
that I sat my husband down in front I even confided in a friend of mine
of the computer, got him a drink, about it. She was a bit surprised by
and asked him—no, begged him—to what I want, but she told me that if
read everything. this is what I want, to give up my
When he came to bed that night, I dream would be to settle for less
looked at him with a questioning than I want. She said that if some-
expression, and he just shook his thing really matters to you, you
head. I could not sleep and had to go should never give up the dream,
down to the kitchen to get a cup of because to do so, you have to give
tea and sit at the table crying my up yourself, the heart of your Self. I
eyes out. We've been married a long asked her what the f--- I can do if my
time, and I love him with all my husband is not open to these ideas.
heart, so I could never leave him. She said that if he is the man we
But I had to face the fact that the think he is, and he loves me as much
direction I want our relationship to as we think he does, he will come
go in is not the direction he wants it round, or he will try to come round.
to go in. The sense of loss was so She urged me not to make a big deal
bad, but what had I lost? Nothing of it, not to mention Taken In
had really changed. I still had my Hand again, to give him time to
husband's love and devotion. I still think about it. Pushing him would
had my marriage. likely have a counter-productive
That was a fortnight ago. effect, she said. Knowing my hus-
Since then, I have bitten my lip band, she was right. He has always
every time I have wanted to raise the hated to be pushed. So I waited.
subject again. If he doesn't want it, Last night, something happened.
he doesn't want it, and that's that. I don't want to go into the ins and
outs of it all, but I have let him down
badly this week, and the long and
* “Why you should not withhold a the short of it is that my husband is
spanking!” 29 November 2003. angry. Last night, he informed me
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that tonight, I am to go to his study
at 10 p.m., after dinner, and that he “EACH TO HIS OWN” (27 NOVEMBER
will give me six of the best with his 2003)
cane. He said he will not use his
hands on me and that his hands will We have received an important
only ever be used for loving touch, communication from a chap called
never punishment. That is all he Dermot, writing from England. He
said, and he would say nothing says:
more, and has said nothing more
since. If [I] want submission, I'd prefer to
Now that he has said that, I am ... buy a sheepdog and call him “old
very scared. It is not what I envis- faithful”
aged. I envisaged being spanked
with his hand over his knee in the Well Dermot, thanks for the idea.
bedroom, then making love after- However, my guess is that given a
wards. I am so scared. Suddenly it choice between a sheepdog and a
all seems very serious. I am not a human being, most Taken In Hand
masochist and I have an aversion to readers would probably have a
pain. Help! I lay awake last night slight preference for the latter. I may
worrying about everything. I feel be going out on a limb here, but I'd
such a jumble of emotions. Disap- hazard a guess that quite a few
pointment that he has made it clear aren't into bestiality at all.
he will never put me over his knee (I Have a nice day, Dermot, and let's
think!), confusion (why is he doing it hope the RSPCA people are not
this way? will he do it? what does reading this now.103
this mean?), worried, and a fear that
I had not expected. Is it normal for a “WHO NEEDS FORBIDDEN FRUIT WHEN YOU
man to be so serious about it and to HAVE THIS?!” (28 NOVEMBER 2003)
refuse to talk about it, like this? I am
scared. If some of the posts I've seen here
And yet, as well as fearing what are anything to go by, the sort of
will happen tonight, and feeling all relationships we talk about here on
these other emotions, I am feeling Taken In Hand are taboo. Society
elated. My heart is soaring. I am disapproves, as it were. We are re-
seeing the world in colour again. fusing to toe the line. We are “un-
How can I be so terrified and yet so healthy”, “weird”, “retrogressive
elated at the same time? How can I degenerates”, “in need of psychiatric
want this so badly and yet fear it so help”, and “should be ashamed of
much too? And feel disappointed [ourselves]”. Rather than let this get
and confused and worried all at the me down, I like to look on the bright
same time? side. (There is always something to be
What if something goes wrong and glad about, as Pollyanna would say!)
my husband does not do it? What if Not surprisingly, the vast majority
he does? Wish me luck, everybody. of Taken In Hand readers are “in the
God knows I need it.102 closet”, fearing ruined careers and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
goodness knows what else if others hotter and more connected. Could
were to find out about their interest that be why others disapprove so
in Taken In Hand. This is forbidden, strongly, one wonders?104
taboo, beyond the pale.
It is often said that forbidden fruit “WHY YOU SHOULD NOT WITHHOLD
tastes sweeter. This is reputed to be SPANKING!” (29 NOVEMBER 2003)
a large part of the attraction of hav-
ing illicit affairs. The bright side of In the first article* in this series, I
the social disapprobation Taken In said that many women want to be
Hand attracts is that Taken In Hand under the loving, protective domi-
couples don't have to be unfaithful nant control of their man. In the se-
to each other, they have the thrill of cond,† I argued that being taken in
enjoying forbidden fruit right there hand is not just a game, but that
in their relationship. How many it is erotic. You might want to read
other ways are there to taste forbid- the first two articles before you read
den fruit without actually doing this one.
something destructive or wrong? ***
That what we are doing occasions “If a woman finds the idea of “get-
such disapproval and intolerance on ting a hiding” erotic, how can it also
the part of otherwise liberal-minded ”work” to modify her behaviour?
folks may be a little disheartening at Spanking would be a reward, not a
times but it does tend to draw Taken punishment!”
In Hand couples together, and Punishment implies subjecting a
thereby creates virtuous circle upon person to pain, confinement, or
virtuous circle within their relation- some other disagreeable conse-
ship. quence such as confiscation of some-
If you doubt whether this kind of thing that person values, or being
relationship is a good thing, ask made to do something unpleasant,
yourself what lessons can be drawn like writing lines or a letter to the tax
from the differences between the people. Doing something the person
way conventional couples describe loves would appear to be counter-
their relationships, and the way productive: how could something
Taken In Hand couples describe the person loves be unpleasant for
their relationships. Ask yourself them?
why it is that most conventional Is it that punishment spanking is
people find themselves settling for to non-punitive spanking what rape
stale, lifeless relationships with un- is to consensual sex? You can love
satisfying sex, whereas people writ- sex but find rape unbearable.
ing on Taken In Hand and other No, that comparison does not hold
such sites often mention that their up under scrutiny. In the case of
desire for one another is hotter than
ever even after decades in some cas- * “Why you shouldn’t mention the ‘M’
es. This is no coincidence! Think word,” 24 November 2003.
about it! These relationships are not † “Being taken in hand is hot!” 25 No-

just forbidden, they are inherently vember 2003.

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
real, non-fantasy/fun rape, the judgement over their woman? Let's
woman absolutely does not want it, face it, chaps, more often than not,
and if she could avoid it, and never she is a lot more sensible, reasona-
experience it, she would. By con- ble, capable, and responsible than he
trast, plenty of women do long for is, so presumably she would have
their husbands to take them in hand. her hands full knocking the faulty
Such women may feel “unwilling- man into shape too!
ness” and “fear” in association with Whilst some women do valiantly
a serious spanking, but nothing like take on that gargantuan task, in
the very real fear and non-consent a many cases, that is not what hap-
woman who has no interest in being pens, and no matter how many glar-
taken in hand would feel. In that ing faults in need of correction the
case, the spanking is abuse. In the man has, he is nevertheless the one
first case, the woman finds the pos- in control. That is what both of them
sibility that she could be taken in want. And it can make the difference
hand erotic, and on some level she between an unfulfilling, lifeless rela-
really wants it, “unwillingness” tionship, and a vibrant, sexually and
notwithstanding. emotionally fulfilling one that facili-
But if it is erotic, how can it possi- tates the growth of both persons.
bly work to modify the woman's Friendships can be close and inti-
future behaviour? If you want to mate and fruitful, as can parent-
punish people, you impose a nega- child relationships. What distin-
tive consequence on them, you don't guishes a friendship from an “inti-
give them something they have been mate relationship” is the sexual ele-
longing for for the last thirty years. ment. Maintaining high contrast
So men new to these ideas often between the man and the woman is
decide that the punishment they will sexy. The more similar the man and
give their women is not to spank the woman become, the more indis-
them. They withhold spanking. If tinguishable they are, the less inter-
taking a woman in hand were simp- esting they become to each other,
ly about using punishment as a de- and the less they desire each other.
terrent, then this would make sense. When a man is dominant, and not
But it is not that simple. just as a bedroom game—when the
The underlying aim of all this is to woman feels his authority all the
create and maintain a good relation- time, when she knows that he will
ship—an evolving, ever-improving, not hesitate to take her in hand if he
intimately-connected relationship in thinks it necessary—the woman's
which problems get solved and the desire for the man is phenomenally
partners retain sexual desire for each intense. She is aware of his other-
other. It is not about knocking a ness, his masculinity, his power.
faulty woman into shape. If it were, This prevents her from feeling like
why should any man want such a his mother, his boss or his teacher,
tiresome burden? Why not just get a and thereby losing desire for him.
dog? And how many men would The man in turn feels more desire
feel perfect enough to stand in for the woman. Instead of turning
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
the man off by reminding him of his people all the time—that can so of-
controlling mother, boss or teacher, ten end up in what feels like a de-
the woman remains a woman to him. scent into hell.
Their connection is better in every Instead of allowing little problems
way. to metastasise into misery, accusa-
But that's not all. One of the prob- tions, fighting, or icy silence, the
lems of conventional relationships is dominant man can use serious dis-
that small errors in signalling and cipline or some other way of ex-
interpretation lead to huge fights pressing his authority to invoke the
and, worse, to withdrawal and relationship. Instead of withdrawing
stonewalling. The most trivial prob- and breaking their connection, he
lem can turn into an all-out war. can, through taking or re-
Even tiny accidents and misunder- establishing control, highlight and
standings can set off a chain of re-affirm his commitment to their
events leading to an out-of-control relationship. Taking a woman in
downward spiral of ill-will and mis- hand is a way of invoking the rela-
ery. You think he is being unfriendly tionship that can be done without
(when in fact he is just preoccupied) losing face, without any damage to
so you are slightly less friendly his pride or ego, and without any
yourself. He subconsciously notices emasculating grovelling to the
your slight negativity, and responds woman or loss of power on his part.
more guardedly than he would oth- Through this action, he signals to the
erwise have done. You think he is woman that he is ready to put the
being unpleasant and can't under- troublesome issue behind them ra-
stand why, and you feel annoyed ther than dwelling on it, fighting
and respond accordingly. He thinks about it, sulking or stonewalling. It
your evident annoyance is out of minimises if not eliminates the
order and becomes annoyed himself. build-up of niggling resentment that
And pretty soon you have a fight on can do so much damage to relation-
your hands. …. And all because of a ships.
tiny mistake in your interpretation He is also re-affirming his love for
of his state of mind at the beginning the woman and his trust in her. In
of the interaction. Unfortunately, asserting his authority and requiring
many conventional couples simply his woman to submit to a serious
have no means of arresting such spanking, he is trusting that she will
downward spirals of bad feeling. submit rather than call the police or
One of the most important benefits tell him where to stick it. This is a
of the kind of relationship we talk powerful symbol of his commitment
about on Taken In Hand is that it to the relationship, and in a way, the
embodies powerful error correction. more serious and real the discipline
No, I do not refer to the errors of the he is imposing, the more he is reach-
allegedly faulty woman, I am talking ing out to his woman.
about the tiny errors in signalling Similarly, when a woman submits
and interpretation—the little misun- even to serious and possibly painful
derstandings that happen between discipline, she thereby affirms her
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
acceptance of her man's authority as feelings)! Then, when the two indi-
the head of their household. This is a viduals are feeling good about each
powerful statement of her love of other again, they can then talk con-
him, and (whether she admits it or structively if anything remains to be
not!) of her submission to him as her resolved after the spanking.
man. In consenting to the discipline The way serious disciplinary
he wants her to accept (even if she spanking works is not by acting as a
doth protest!), she is likewise signal- deterrent, but in this more indirect
ling her willingness to put the mat- way. Paradoxically, its effect is posi-
ter behind them instead of allowing tively encouraging rather than nega-
it to pollute their interactions in the tively deterring. It re-affirms each
future. partner's love, commitment to, and
Just as the man's actions are a way trust of the other, and repairs any
of reaching out to the woman, so her break in their connection. It repre-
submission amounts to reaching out sents the man's authority and there-
to her man. This tells the man loud by helps to keeps the sexual tension
and clear that their relationship is white hot. It makes the woman feel
very precious to her. In putting her- an incredible sense of peace, con-
self in his hands, she shows that she tentment, and passionate love, and
belongs to him and totally trusts that makes her want to do anything
him. She is showing that she consid- and everything she can to please her
ers their connection more important man. And when his woman loves to
than any particular disagreement or please him and is peaceful, happy
other issue they might have. She is and always wanting him, the man is
raising a white flag and diffusing happy and relaxed too.
any potential hostility before it be- So if you are new to this kind of re-
comes an ugly confrontation. Sub- lationship and you are thinking that
mitting to her man's authority, even surely it would be more effective
if that means a serious spanking, is to withhold spanking, because your
an affirmation of the relationship. It woman loves to be spanked, that
communicates her love. reasoning is understandable, but it is
Much of the communication in a a huge mistake. Spanking is not
serious spanking is tacit, not explicit, compulsory, and there are other
but it is important, valuable com- forms of discipline and other ways
munication nonetheless. And how of expressing your authority, but
much more fun it is than a horrible to withhold spanking in order to punish
war of words—in retrospect if not at her is a psychologically violent act. It
the time! A serious spanking is a raises walls between you; it is taking
short, sharp, dramatic way of set- a step away from your relationship;
tling a matter. It clears the air. It gets it is a declaration of hostilities. The
any bad feeling out of the couple's primary object is not actually pun-
systems, and it often leads to pas- ishment, it is your sexual and emo-
sionate sex which is, I'm sure you'll tional connection. Giving her a good
agree, a very much underrated cure spanking can solve a problem quick-
for most of life's ills (or at least ill- ly and cleanly and works for your
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
connection; withholding spanking Fear—definitely fear—not of you,
works against it.105 but of the paddle. Excitement... as I
go over your knee, as my panties are
“HOW I FEEL BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER being pulled down, when I feel your
BEING SPANKED” (1 DECEMBER 2003) leg go over mine to pin me in place...
giving up control to you... moving to
Before... a place where I have to obey... where
A deep arousing sensation wells you are in charge, and I will be cared
up inside my lower abdomen when for and taken care of, where I feel
you firmly tell me you are going to you totally engaged with me.
spank me. It is partly sexual in Pain... while the actual spanking is
origin, partly emotional. happening, I think of very little else
The sexual aspect has to do with but the pain. I am begging for it to
being naked, over your knee, close stop, I want to make you stop. I just
to your body. It has to do with you hurt so badly, I have an almost
seeing my bottom bare and vulnera- overwhelming urge to interfere with
ble. It is the feel of your firm hands the paddling, my hand, kicking, I
touching me, holding me down. It is want a pillow on my backside, so
knowing we will share loving feel- you cannot spank my bare bottom. I
ings when it is over. want to jerk my bottom out of your
Emotionally, it is knowing you are reach, but I am trapped solidly be-
in charge and will handle my behav- tween your legs and arm, and I want
ior and make decisions without my to cry in desperation.
input. It is a pleasurable feeling to When it is a truly hard spanking, I
have you deciding how I will be feel such helplessness that I cannot
disciplined—comforting at some interfere with it. I can only choose
distant level. The nature of this surrender to your discipline, until it
pleasure is what draws me to you, is done. Then toward the end, fear
allows me to give consent for you to wells up again, as I always think the
accept control. I know it will hurt, last spanks will surely be the worst. I
but I will never be hurt. wait for those, wanting them to
It is wonderful to have come, but not wanting to feel them,
great ambivalence. I am never an-
such trust in each other. We do not
gry, never. Instead, at the end, I am
get an opportunity for that very of-
tired but refreshed, content.
ten—to have complete trust in an-
other person. It is rare and unique. I
do not consciously think these After...
thoughts each time—my body's sen- I need you. Total surrender leaves
sation is enough to flood me with a me very vulnerable. I feel little and
sense of wellbeing. It leaves a smile tender. I want you to hold me, tight-
inside me. ly. I need your arms around me. I
want to talk, maybe cry. I feel deeply
connected. A very peaceful calm
During...
stays with me for a very long time, if

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it has been an emotional experience, light, but to me, it sometimes feels as
which it always is. It is one of my though everyone else is standing
most powerful experiences, it still, letting life slip through their
changes me. It creates a calmness fingers unlived. I am greedy for life,
within me that radiates a joyful ex- for love, for passion, and for
istence. I notice it every day. knowledge, and my time feels too
The burning on my bottom is precious to me to fritter away in the
pleasant. If it is tender the next day, I name of politeness. If I don't want to
am happy. I enjoy looking at the see a friend or answer an email mes-
redness, I enjoy you looking at it if I sage, I don't. If I thought that I
am in the corner. Sometimes I need would live for ever, things would be
you to spank me again. It never very different (and I'd probably up-
hurts the second time, at least not set fewer friends with my impa-
much. tience and what they perhaps see as
There are really no negatives to a my “selfishness”!) but they are not
discipline spanking, except the different.
spanking itself, but even this is not So when I see a woman friend of
true. I like that too. I like the touch, mine impatient for intimacy, want-
even if it is painful; it is a path to a ing her man to take control and do
place I need to go with the one who it now, wanting him to take a leap of
holds my deepest trust.106 faith and dare to accept the authori-
ty she is offering him, wanting real
“I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW!” (3 dominance and discipline and want-
DECEMBER 2003) ing it harder, more extremely, more,
more, more, wanting him to take the
“I want it all! I want it all! I want risk of trusting her totally, wanting
it all! And I want it now!” him to have the courage to go on-
—Queen: I want it all ward into love and life, I under-
stand. And when I see a man I know
The other day, I heard the Queen wanting a woman so much that he is
song, I want it all, and have not been going out of his mind with desire
able to get it out of my head since. and love for her, wanting it all, and
Sometimes I am so aware of my own wanting it now, and sometimes
mortality, of how short life is, and of pushing her so much he overwhelms
how much there is to feel and do her, I understand.
and experience before it's game over, But we have to remember that oth-
that it is difficult to be patient. I er people, including those closest to
want it all, and I want it now! As us, are not us. They are separate
Freddie Mercury might have told individuals. They have their own
you, tomorrow is too late, for tomor- wishes, their own preferences, their
row, we die! This is not a rehearsal, own needs, and their own concerns.
this is the final performance, and it Ultimately, we all need to control
will be over before we know it. our own lives. This includes the man
One of my friends has complained you women so desperately wish
that I live my life at the speed of would take the reins of your rela-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
tionship, and it includes the woman kind of relationship is it anyway?
you men wish would hurry up and Can it even be called a relationship
take everything you are offering. at all? Aren't you supposed to be a
Pushing them won't help, it will team? How can it be you and him
only drive them away. I know, be- against the world if he is dragging
cause I've been there too. You can his feet? If he loved you, he would
only move as fast as you can move. want to meet your needs. He'd find
No matter how much you might a way to give you the control you
want to be able to go faster, love want. He would understand your
more, give more, understand more, need for discipline and consistency
be more be more obedient, or more and deep conversations and little
in control, you can't effect these romantic gestures.
changes by an act of will. It takes Maybe he would; maybe he
time and creativity, and it is not wouldn't; but what about his wish-
something that can be done by es? What about hisneeds? Do you
someone else: you have to do it think that he is wilfully failing to
yourself. meet your needs out of spite? Do
It may seem obvious to you that you think he is failing to take you in
your lover should change, and how, hand because he wants to make you
and when (now!) but beware self- unhappy? Do you know what this
evident truths, for they are often feels like to him? Consider the sort
false. You do not know everything of things people often say:
that is in your lover's mind, you can
only ever know a small fraction of it,  “I need him to take me in hand
and you can only know a small frac- and he's just not doing it.”
 “If you'd just put yourself to-
tion of the considerations your lover
tally in my hands and obey
has. So when you think you know
me…”
best how your lover should conduct  “If you loved me you would
his life, remember that maybe you want to spend more time with
don't actually know best at all. It is me.”
his life, not yours, and he must live  “Why can't you be more like
it as he himself thinks best. He can Blush's Gary?”
only live it as he thinks best.  “This has got to change [or
Yes, I know. How he lives his life else!]”
affects you, so your pushing is not
about getting him to change his life, What it feels like is a lack of ac-
it is about getting him to change just ceptance. Have you ever suffered
that part of his life which affects the pain of a lack of acceptance by
you. It's about give and take, it's someone you love or care about? If
about getting your legitimate and so, you will sympathise with the
reasonable needs met, it's about be- person who wrote:*
ing in this together rather than two
separate, unconnected lives. If you * See:
may not give voice to your thoughts <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012
or ask for what you want, just what 8020041/http:/www.takeninhan-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
You feel like a victim, so your
My relationship went sour because spouse must be responsible, and
my woman decided that things were jolly well ought to change to meet
always my fault. There's no way to
your needs. Your needs are a tacit
live with someone who's decided
they are perfection and you are scum. demand that your spouse be a cer-
tain way (whether he wants to or
How true. In her article, “In praise not) and do certain things (whether
of Fascinating Womanhood,” Charlotte he wants to or not). Only then will
said that one of the things that book your spouse become acceptable to
has taught her is to look at life and you. Until then, your spouse is hurt-
problems with a positive attitude: ing you, wronging you, victimizing
you—whether he wants to or not.
I've found that simply seeing my Think of it from the other person's
husband in a different light has made point of view. How does it feel to be
a whole lot of difference in our rela- on the receiving end of your part-
tionship. When I started reading this ner's unfulfilled needs? How does it
book, it was to fix our marriage (and
feel to be held responsible for the
that means my husband). It turned
out that what needed fixing was me unhappiness of someone you love,
and my negative attitude. I can now when you want more than anything
see how that was spoiling everything. in the world for that person to be
happy? How does it feel to be ac-
I too like this aspect of Fascinating cused of not caring, when you care
Womanhood. It is a fact that if you very deeply? How does it feel when
keep thinking about all the ways in the one you love makes it perfectly
which your nearest and dearest fail clear that you are unacceptable and
to live up to your expectations, in- will have to become a completely
stead of accepting them as they are, different person or suffer their wrath
you are much more likely to feel for ever? It's enough to make a
miserable. If you can't accept those grown man cry. That's how it feels.
you love as they are, and they do not I was once hauled over the coals
want to change, it may be time to for absent-mindedly wandering
move on. Spending years trying to ahead instead of waiting for the man
change a person is a recipe for un- I was with, when we were visiting
happiness for both of you. an art gallery. Even after I had ex-
Sometimes, when you are in this plained that it was not a slight, just
sort of situation, you can't see the absent-mindedness, he felt angry
wood for the trees. You see only and slighted for ages afterwards. No
your own unfulfilled needs, and fail matter how many times I assured
to see how painful it is for the per- him that I would never want to
son you love to be on the receiving slight him, he just could not stop
end of the lack of acceptance that feeling aggrieved. That was just the
your unfulfilled needs represent. start. It got worse.
He had a whole list of things I do
d.com/the.dual.failures.of.men#commen or don't do that are Unacceptable,
t-197> and he insisted on telling me about
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
them, repeatedly. And it didn't mat- fear I have awoken a sleeping drag-
ter how tired I was, or what time of on.”
night it was, or how many hours we After writing that article, I found
had been on the phone, he had to be that I was more elated than afraid.
allowed to tell me then. And when I There was fear, but I did not want to
could take it no more and told him try to persuade him to take a differ-
that I needed to sleep (well three ent course from the one he had
hours ought to be enough conversa- planned. When I knocked on my
tion for anyone, surely?!) he would husband's study door that night, I
accuse me of never giving him time was so nervous that my knees were
to talk, or of trying to avoid difficult
shaking and small muscles in my
subjects. Ouch! He also accused me legs were jumping. My husband said
of not caring about him. I cared veryI looked pale, and asked if I wanted
much, so this accusation wounded to postpone our appointment.
me deeply. But all he could see was Seeing the love and concern in his
his own pain. He was so wrapped face, and hearing him seek consent
up in his own needs and wishes that for what he was going to do, I felt
he rode roughshod over mine, and almost overcome. Then I noticed he
worse, angrily blamed me for failing had said “postpone”, not “cancel”,
to meet all his needs. and I felt like kissing him passion-
In failing to be whom he wanted ately in gratitude and love, but the
me to be, how he wanted me to be, mood was too grave for that to be
do what he wanted me to do, and appropriate. Nevertheless, at that
feel how he wanted me to feel, I was,moment, I felt like the luckiest
he thought, wronging him. I was woman alive. My husband was be-
hurting him. I was being nasty to ing both sensitive to my wishes, and
him. I bore the responsibility for his
strong at the same time. In answer to
pain, he thought. He said he was in his question, I shook my head, and
love with me, but it did not feel like
he stepped aside to allow me to en-
love. Given that everything about ter.
me was so unacceptable to him, I The next thing that happened sur-
think his love was little or nothing to
prised me and, again, threw me into
do with me. He informed me that turmoil. My husband picked up the
Things Would Have to Change. old school cane that had belonged to
They did. I showed him the door. his father, and sat down in his arm-
Without acceptance, there is noth- chair.
ing.107 “Strip,” he said, softly. “Take your
clothes off.”
“FEELING THE DRAGON'S FIRE” (4 If you have read my previous arti-
DECEMBER 2003) cle, you will understand why this is
not what I was expecting. I had let
I've been asked to tell you what my husband down badly, and he
happened on the night I was antici- was very cross with me. He had told
pating when I wrote this article: “I me he was going to cane me, and
from the way he had talked, I had
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
been expecting it to be one hundred is difficult to describe it. It was ex-
percent discipline, zero per cent sex. tremely painful, but it was not an
And now here I was, being told to unbearable type of pain. There are
take my clothes off while my hus- other types of pain that are far less
band watched, cane in hand. I did intense but far less bearable. I cried
not know whether to be aroused or out in pain with every blow, and by
panicked. It felt very strange. For the penultimate one, I was crying
some reason, it reminded me of the freely. But he still gave me the sixth
film True Lies! I felt a jumble of con- blow.
fused emotions. I can't find the Then he threw the cane on the
words to describe it adequately. I chair and pulled me up and held me
felt excited, and I felt embarrassed in his arms, stroking my hair, kiss-
about feeling aroused, and ashamed ing my head, whispering that he
and guilty about what I'd done, and loves me. I felt so peaceful, so loved,
I felt vulnerable, trusting, and afraid. so safe, somehow. I felt a deep sense
Even though my husband has seen that I belong to this man, that I am
me naked countless times, I felt em- his, that I will never stop wanting
barrassed when I was standing na- him and loving him, and that he is
ked in front of him. He did not my lord and master. Feeling me
smile. He did not seem to look at me shivering, he took me to bed. At
with desire in his eyes. He just least, that's why he said he was tak-
looked. ing me to bed…
The next thing that happened was We have now talked about every-
that I started shivering, because my thing, and we are both very happy
husband's study is cold! about our new life together. We do
So my husband jumped up, and view this as a new life—“a life of
said matter-of-factly, “All right, let's caning and kissing, discipline and
get this over with. Bend over the bliss,” as my husband put it.108
desk.”
I bent over it, was initially startled “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WANT TO BE
by the coldness of it, and probably TAKEN IN HAND?!” (9 DECEMBER 2003)
tensed up as a result. So when the
first blow came, it was extraordinari- Janet Hardy suggested* that if you
ly painful and I screamed. are single and looking, it is worth
My husband told me to relax, and trying to identify clearly exactly
put his hand on my bottom, stroking what you want. This sounds obvi-
me, soothing me. But he had told me ous, but actually, as I myself have
he would give me six of the best, found, it is not that easy to articu-
and that is what he did. Had I not late, and even if you do write it
known that it would be six blows, I down, misunderstandings are com-
doubt I would have been able to mon. To illustrate this fact, read the
submit. But because I knew, I was
able to count them down, knowing
that it would end soon. The pain * “Where are all the strong men?” 26

was terrible… and yet, not terrible. It September 2003.

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
following paragraph in which I say and make me kneel naked on the
what I'd like, and before reading floor in front of him while he watch-
further, jot down or preferably write es TV, my mouth open to act as hu-
in the comments at the foot of this man toilet if he doesn't want to use
page what you think I mean in prac- the bathroom? Do I want him to
tice. Ask your friends to write their issue commands, military officer
own interpretations of this para- style, and demand obedience to his
graph too. Then compare all the dif- every whim, no matter how onerous
ferent responses. his whims may be? Do I want to be
I'd like to be taken in hand by a patronised and bossed about like a
man who loves me. I'd like to be school child? Do I want BDSM
brought to submission by an even- scenes? Humiliation? Pain? To be
tempered, kind, gentle, but firm man spanked over the knee?
of good character. I'd like to be con- Different individuals, coming at
trolled by a lovingly dominant man this from different perspectives,
who wants me to be happy. I'd like a with different ideas, will have dif-
more traditional relationship in ferent interpretations. So when seek-
which the man is the head of the ing a new relationship, or trying to
household. I'd like it to be with a introduce these ideas in an existing
man so quietly confident that he is one, how can you minimise potential
the head of our household, that he misunderstandings?
does not feel the need to bellow and It is well worth creating a docu-
bawl, or cut the connection ment that states what you think you
by withdrawing into angry silence. want. This document should be ed-
Now, for fun, write in the com- itable because, trust me, your first
ments below specifically what you attempt at writing down precisely
think I mean in practice, before read- what you want will prove to be in-
ing on. Whether you are yourself adequate at best. You will want to
looking for a partner or not, this will improve it over time. This will in-
be a very enlightening exercise and crease your self-awareness and un-
useful to you and others, I think. derstanding, and that is bound to be
*** useful. For fun, each time you do a
Part of the reason that different in- major edit, you could save the doc-
dividuals will interpret the above ument as a new version. That way
paragraph in different ways is that it you will be able to look back and see
is not very specific. What do you how your understanding of yourself
mean by being taken in hand? What and what you want has improved
does it mean in practice to over time. You will probably laugh
be brought to submission? Given at your first draft when you look at
that the word “control” usually it in a year's time. You may be inter-
means something very bad, as in ested in how your wants themselves
“control freak”, whatever do I mean evolve over time too.
by that? And when I say “domi- But before you attempt to write
nant”, do I mean that I want a man such a document, first collect to-
who will call me “slave” or “bitch” gether in another document any
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ideas you read about that you like, dynamics? Or do you want to be
excerpts from email messages that owned, collared, and the slave of a
speak to you. In yet another docu- BDSM Dom? Or do you want a
ment, gather any quotes, excerpts, straight-forward (ha! It is never
etc., which you find yourself react- that!) DD arrangement with rules
ing against. These documents will and spankings? Or do you want
tell you more about yourself. Con- different things in different moods?
tinue adding to them over time, and Or different things when you are
every now and then, read the docu- playing?
ments and notice whether you still Next, get specific. What does this
feel the same about each item. You mean in practice? What will your
might well find that in a year's time, man be doing? What tone of voice
half the stuff in the document of will he be using? How will he be
quotes you hate should now be in addressing you? Write down quick-
the other document, and vise versa. ly as many really specific examples
You might also find that some of the as you can.
quotes that spoke to you initially To make it more clear, next, write
now leave you indifferent, and that down what you don't want. This is
some of what you liked now seems worth doing because it will bring to
simplistic or lacking insight. Create a light inconsistencies between your
new version of each document, mak- general picture of what you want,
ing any necessary changes, as and and your specific wishes. For exam-
when you feel like it. Such docu- ple, in general, my impression of
ments could, in themselves, convey myself is that BDSM leaves me com-
considerable information to the per- pletely cold. But plenty of specific
son to whom you want to communi- ideas I have could easily be consid-
cate what you want. ered BDSM scene ideas, even though
Secondly, create a document in they do not feel remotely like that to
which you yourself write down me.
what you want, perhaps as follows: If certain words evoke strong reac-
First, write a broad brush strokes tions from you, whether negative or
picture of what you want, giving the positive, write those words down
general idea. Do you have fixed ide- and describe the reaction each
as of what you want, or do you want evokes, or at least write a list of
the relationship to be evolvable, words you hate. Does the word
with on-going exploration and ex- “sub” make you cringe? If your man
periments and a willingness to back- were to say “I command you to…”
track in the event an idea turns out would you find that rude and unac-
to have been a dud? ceptable, or would you experience it
Do you want an old-fashioned, positively, like Petrucio's Kate did in
chivalrous, deeply respectful rela- the production of The Taming of the
tionship in which there is high con- Shrew that I enthused about in this
trast between the sexes and in which
the man is the head of your house-
hold? Or do you want daddy-girl
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
article?* Whenever you notice a it would only happen in the event of
strong reaction to a particular word the miraculous intervention of a
or tone of voice, add a note of it to Higher Power. And as I'm probably
your list. not top of God's Christmas List right
Next, you could show your docu- now, owing to my various failings,
ments to selected friends and ask I've fast been losing hope. Some men
them to discuss your documents. have it, others don't. Maybe this
This is bound to bring out many one's a don't, I'd thought.
areas where clarification is needed, He has spanked me—once—but it
so will help you when you are edit- wasn't the experience I'd imagined it
ing it later. would be, and he hadn't done much
Finally, consider submitting the else to make me think there was any
document you have written yourself potential.
to Taken In Hand—I think such de- To be honest, I'd started thinking
scriptions are absolutely fascinating that it might never happen. I'd been
and it would be interesting to read doubting whether even after reading
them. I think it is possible to learn a an entire library of books on the
lot about what you want, by reading subject, he would know how...
other people's ideas about what they Add to that that it's that PMS time
themselves want, don't you? Oh, all of the month, and I've been feeling
right then, so I'm curious! :-)109 one-down in this relationship, and it
all came to a head two hours ago.
“HOW IT FELT TO BE TAKEN IN HAND FOR Today started badly, with my PC
THE VERY FIRST TIME” (10 DECEMBER crashing while I was writing a long
email to Alan, and everything was
2003) going wrong all day. After being
frustrated over the loss of the email,
Being taken in hand is a phenome-
I was weepy and upset through the
nal experience! I'm so astonished by
day, ending with me being dis-
what happened to me just now that I
traught.
want to tell everyone about it! (It's
Alan was very tolerant and kind,
okay, I'm not going to tell everyone.
calling to check on me several times
My mother wouldn't approve, for
today. But as he has just told me,
one.)
when two hours ago he found me
I am in a new-ish relationship, and
still crying and, if anything, more
have only recently told my boy-
distraught than earlier today, he
friend that I want to be taken in
decided to do something different.
hand. Until about two hours ago,
He says that one thing his job has
nothing much had happened. I'd
taught him is that if you try one line
started thinking that my fantasy that
of communication and it fails, you
he would turn into a dominant
have to try something else. Being
man was indeed a fantasy, and that
nice and kind and supportive all day
hadn't worked. I was not listening to
* “The Taming of the Shrew,” 15 Octo- what he was saying all day because
ber 2003. of being upset, and he decided that
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
it was time to take me in hand. Only words, over the telephone. This is a
one problem: we weren't together, truly mind-blowing phenomenon.
we were speaking over the phone. Think of the potential! This was such
Did that stop him? No way! a great way to bring me back into
He got very firm and a little stern. line and make me happy. I recom-
I don't even really remember exactly mend it!110
what he said, but whatever he said
was less important than the fact that “IS YOUR NEW MAN DOMINANT, DOMI-
he was really taking me in hand. I NEERING, OR A DITHERING WIMP?” (12
don't think even the hardest spank-
ing would have done more. He took
DECEMBER 2003)
me in hand, and he did it verbally,
If you are in a new relationship, or
just by being firm and setting me
have yet to find a man, and you
straight.
want to be with a man who is lov-
The effect was instantaneous: a
ingly dominant, you might like to
warm flood of relaxation flowed
consider the following advice:
over me. I felt suddenly very peace-
ful, and I even started feeling sexual- 1. Don't waste time with someone
ly excited. I was flying, floating on who does not appear to have po-
air, flabbergasted. All my problems tential. To avoid doing this, set
and fears just kind of melted away. yourself clear time frames and
It felt so good. He was for real, criteria by which to judge
not playacting, and I knew it. whether there is pro-
gress/potential. Don't spend a
I'm astonished by how easy it was
year coming to the conclusion
for Alan to bring me back to normal that he is about as dominant as a
from the distressed PMS-crazed frightened rabbit.
woman I was. With just a few 2. Be very careful you don't end up
words, he made everything okay! with someone domineering in-
More than okay! I was grinning stead of dominant, or controlling
from one end of town to the other! instead of having the ability
When we discussed this just now, to control in a consensual way,
or someone physically abusive
Alan said that he could see that I
instead of someone who takes
was getting out of hand and needed you in hand.
to be brought firmly back. He said 3. Be very aware of how he re-
he can see that I need this kind sponds to dissent on your part.
of control in my life. He said that if a If you feel genuinely unhappy
few words have this kind of power, about something, does he listen
he won't hesitate to take me in hand to your concerns? Does he make
whenever I need it, and sometimes you feel heard? Does he in gen-
eral appear willing to modify his
whether I do or not. Then he warned
decision in the light of your
me to expect a severe spanking wishes, or does he seem spiteful-
when we see each other next. ly intransigent?
But what gets me is that he took 4. How is his temper? If he has a
me in hand without laying a finger bad temper, the red flags should
on me! He did it with just a few be flying.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
5. Does he accuse you of being needs to be able to be himself
controlling? Danger! with you.
6. Does he love you? If love has not 14. How does he treat other people
blossomed yet, be very cautious in his life?
about introducing him to the 15. Only once you have determined
idea of dominance and disci- that your new man is worthy of
pline. Without love, what you your love should you take a step
will have are empty experiences towards submission. Do not
devoid of the intimate connec- rush this. Take your time. Be
tion we cherish. I think Gary sure. If he is worth it, he will
was right when he said that love wait for you to go through this
should come first. process.
7. While you are waiting for love 16. How you introduce the ideas
to blossom, concentrate on get- depends on what exactly you
ting to know your new man as want and what kind of person
thoroughly as possible. Find out he is. For some men, showing
everything you can about him. them Taken In Hand and back-
The more you know, the more ing off to let them read it and
information you have on which think about it in their own time,
to judge whether he is one of the might be a good start. Others
good guys, and whether he is al- might prefer a quiet chat. Or to
so capable of learn- watch an old film depicting old-
ing dominance, and whether he fashioned relationships and the
is ever too prudish to put you odd spanking scene. Consider
over his knee. Do not rush this. what your particular man might
8. Determine whether you are gen- like, and do that.
erally compatible, whether your 17. Back off. Give him time and
values are reasonably similar, space to think. Do not harangue
whether your energy levels are him!
similar, whether any strongly 18. When you detect on his part a
held ideas you have clash. Imag- step towards taking you in
ine that this man were paralysed hand, be sure to appreciate it ra-
from the neck down and unable ther than complaining that it is
to put you over his knee. Could not enough or otherwise belit-
you still love the person he is? tling his efforts.
Be sure your answer is yes be- 19. Don't expect him to be con-
fore getting too involved. sistent. Don't make a fuss if he
9. Does he add to your life or de- isn't. This should not be a big
tract from it? chore for him, it should be fun,
10. Does he make you happy? or he won't want to continue.
11. Is he intimately engaged with 20. Find out his background and
you, or emotionally distant and whether or not you could be on
withholding? If the latter, run the same page. If he wants a
for the hills. BDSM slave and you want a
12. Is he reliable? Dependable? deferential head of the house-
There for you in a crisis? hold, you might not be compati-
13. Can you be yourself with him, ble. How adapable are you both,
or do you feel a little uncomfort- and do you want to adapt?
able with him? You need to be 21. Tell him how it makes you feel
able to be yourself. He, too, when he is dominant. Be sure to

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
let him know how much you en- a decision, and will not be moved, I
joy it. gush. And I am not usually the
22. Never never never do or say an- gushing kind. My emotional re-
ything to make him regret being
sponses are immediate and dra-
dominant with you.
23. Let him know that you under- matic. I have never felt more in love,
stand that what you are asking calm, centred, loved, safe or respect-
is no small thing. Be sure he ed in my whole life.
knows that you appreciate him. Why? Why does it work? Will it
24. If you find yourself behaving last? Maybe you won't be able to
badly to get him to discipline answer why it works for me. But
you, talk to him openly and why does it work for you? How has
honestly about that and tell him
it lasted?112
what you want more clearly. He
just might not have realized
what you were angling for. “HOW CAN YOU SUBMIT WHEN YOU FEEL
25. If your efforts fail and you de- <I>FRUSTRATED</I>?” (14 DECEMBER
cide to end your relationship
and look for another, be sure
2003)
that you learn from any mis-
takes you may have made in this How can I be submissive when my
relationship.111 husband doesn't do what I need
done?
“WHY DOES BEING TAKEN IN HAND We only discovered this kind of re-
WORK?” (13 DECEMBER 2003) lationship a few months ago, and the
change has been wonderful: we feel
I am wondering what some of you much more connected, and we're
think the point of this whole way of having terrific sex. A few days ago
life is? I know this is a weird ques- was the first time Paul ever spanked
tion. I think I mean why does it me when I really didn't want him to.
work? I was just in a bad mood for no par-
I have noticed the calming effects ticular reason, and had one of my
it has had on my marriage. We were frustrated explosions where I get an
spinning out of control for a long uncontrollable urge to throw things,
time, years in fact. We still loved and after throwing a few items
each other, but we did not get along down the stairs, I stomped past him,
very well. There was a lot of resent- giving a him a look that clearly said,
ment on both sides. “Don't you even think about spank-
Now, things have changed dra- ing me—I am so not in the mood for
matically. I find myself actually re- it.” But he followed me, and he did-
specting him; more importantly I n't say much. He just pulled me
find him actually respecting himself. against him and smacked my bot-
The more he asserts himself, the tom with his hand over my thin
more I respect him and the more I pants. It wasn't a big deal as spank-
desire him. Even if he asserts himself ings go, and I've taken ten times
on the little things, when I know he worse without shedding a tear, but
is putting his foot down and making this time I just burst into tears and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
sobbed for about five minutes while frustration mounts, and I feel that he
he held me. Then we talked about doesn't love me. Finally, I explode.
stuff, and everything was resolved, And after the explosion, he takes
and we felt close and happy. five minutes, or maybe half an hour,
In the past, this scenario would to do that one small task. So the task
have ended very differently. He gets done, but we're both unhappy.
would try to talk me out of my frus- I explain to him that he's actually
tration, and it would get worse. training me to go ballistic when I
Then he would give up and go into need something done. Going ballis-
his cave, and I would feel complete- tic works. Being nice and reasonable
ly abandoned, and my anger would doesn't. Wouldn't it make more
escalate with nowhere to go. I would sense to reward me for being nice
yell and scream and say mean things and reasonable? But this never
to him, and he would withdraw seems to sink in. And now, I'm
further, and we would both feel sad afraid I'm going to be ignored when
and angry and disconnected all day. I'm nice and reasonable, and pun-
What I really needed all along was ished when I go ballistic! Aaak!
to cry it out and feel supported and I would really love to hear from
loved. men and/or women who have been
So that was great. But here's the on either side of this situation. How
problem I'm facing today: He just should I behave when I really need
doesn't do stuff I need him to do. I something done? Would any of you
need him to do “R” so that I can do guys spank your wife if she
“S, T, U, and V.” I'm stuck and I screamed at you after asking you to
can't move on until he does this one do something sixteen times?
thing. I ask nicely. He forgets about And please don't think Paul is
it. I write it down. He puts the paper some kind of deadbeat. He's a very
aside and forgets about it. He has a important, very intelligent guy
million important things to do. I'm who's obsessed with his work. I ad-
trying to be a sweet, submissive, mire him tremendously.
happy, non-nagging wife. But damn Submissive but frustrated…113
it, I can't get on with my important
stuff until he does this one thing. “NO HELPLESS HYSTERICAL HEROINES
And I can't just do everything. I HERE!” (15 DECEMBER 2003)
don't think being submissive means
doing all the housework, all the yard When I was little, I loved watching
work, all the maintenance, all the old horror movies on TV.
child care, all the business tasks, all However, there was one thing that
the financial management, and so always irritated me about the typical
on, without any help, does it? When heroine: she was ridiculously help-
I try to do everything, I feel like a less. She'd fall flat on her face, for
slave and a doormat, and I get very instance, while running away from
unhappy and stressed out, and it the monsters.
doesn't all get done anyway. My Every time.

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
And instead of grabbing the gun, But now I look back and I can see
which sat temptingly on the floor that's exactly what I was doing.
right next to her, she'd lay there like The problem was, once I began to
a ninny, screaming her fool head off. desire them, I opened up and re-
“Get the gun!” I'd yell at the TV, but vealed the part of me that naturally
she'd be too terrified to do it. wanted to be feminine
Even if she rallied her wits by and submissive. Wanted to have
some miracle and did grab the gun, them call the shots, to make the ma-
either she was too afraid to shoot it, jor decisions, to step up and be the
or it would go off in the wrong di- man, to provide for me and protect
rection. me.
The hero ultimately always had to The kind of guys I chose didn't
save her, because she was too much seem to be able to understand this
of an idiot to do anything for herself. apparent about-face on my part. Or
This seemed rather insulting. I was maybe it was my lack of ability in
female, but I knew that if I were in communicating what I wanted. Af-
her position, I'd grab that gun in a ter all, if I couldn't even admit to
second and shoot the bad guys dead. myself what I really wanted, how in
And I swore I'd never be stupid the world was I going to get it across
enough to fall down while running to them?
away. I tried instinctively in every way I
Yet, when I hit adolescence, I be- knew. I would tease them, make
gan to get crushes on the heroes in them chase me, ask them to pretend-
these very same movies: they now rape me, hold me down. I would
seemed strong and dynamic. I found deliberately pick a verbal fight with
myself reacting instinctively to their them and then be completely outra-
strength, to their obvious maleness. geous in my behavior, hoping secret-
Initially, I was deeply ashamed of ly that they would finally become so
this. Women's Lib was new and a outraged at my insubordination,
very big deal and these emotions I that they'd throw me down and hold
felt were confusing. I wanted a man me, let me feel their superior
to take care of me in a basic and strength, put their foot down, do
primitive way, but according to all something, anything, so I'd know
the new thinking in this area, it they were strong enough to handle
seemed I wasn't supposed to feel me.
this way at all. Their reaction was confusion, frus-
I wasn't about to tell anyone about tration and finally, anger. I didn't
this, of course, so I buried it deep want their anger, I wanted
down. their domination. Finally, I stopped
When I began dating, I made sure I trying to get what I was only vague-
chose only boys or men I thought I ly aware I needed and didn't have
could control. I wasn't aware I was the words to express.
doing this; I thought I was dating
them because they were cute or nice.

190
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Eventually I got married and it own strength? My personal sense of
was an equal partnership all the who I am?
way. Would I now have to be the kind
There was no head of the house- of woman I saw in the horror movies
hold; instead, there was a constant so long ago, a woman who was una-
battle for that title. ble to pick up the damn gun that
In retrospect, I can see how I was right there in front of her and
would torture my ex-husband by use it if she had to?
insisting he take charge, and the The answer was, no: I can safely
moment he did, undermine every- stay myself and stay as strong as I
thing he did. Somewhere I've read am, but my husband can be stronger
that over 90 per cent of communica- when I need him to be.
tion is through non-verbal cues and In our marriage, my husband is
pheromones. Without saying it out the head of our household, some-
loud, I made it clear that I didn't thing I always longed for. But this
trust him. does not mean I'm a doormat, or
And whether it was because I did- have no rights, or no power. It simp-
n't try hard enough to trust him, or ly means that he's the CEO of the
because he wasn't worthy of trust in marriage and I'm the next-in-charge.
the first place, eventually he became This does not mean he's a dictator,
untrustworthy and non-protective of but a loving leader. And it doesn't
me and our children. mean I'm an idiot unable to take care
I left that marriage and it was very herself: I'm a strong woman who
painful indeed. However, I was looks up to her man and believes he
lucky, in that I met the man (who is will make the right decisions for the
now my husband) who saw through both of us.
my strong womanpersona to My husband loves my intelligence
my submissive yearnings, right at and strong spirit. He enthusiastically
the beginning. encourages me to come to him with
However, our marriage did not any and all thoughts, concerns, ide-
start out to be quite the fairy tale it as, or requests I might have. At any
should have been. Old habits die time. Even when I disagree with
hard and I couldn't change com- him, he is not threatened by me. He
pletely overnight. Sometimes I'd is supremely secure in the sure
submit, but sometimes I'd fight his knowledge that he has final say. As I
assertiveness, because I was scared. am content and safe in knowing that
Wanting to trust him but afraid. my husband loves me above all else
Afraid I'd lose myself. and has only our best interests at
I know I'm intelligent, I know I heart.114
have valuable insight. I did not want
to give that up. If I gave him com- “THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOMINANT
plete control over me, gave him the AND CONTROLLING” (16 DECEMBER
right to discipline me should I need 2003)
it, did that mean I had to give up my

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What is the difference between a ling man doesn't even understand
dominant man and a controlling what this word means.115
one?
Women vary in terms of what “I WANT... TO BE POSSESSED” (17
characteristics they consider im- DECEMBER 2003)
portant, but most are happiest with
a dominant man who is capable of I am yours. You have the right of
stepping up to the plate and putting possession. You have the authority
an abrupt stop to relationship to stop me seeing anyone you don't
downward spirals. Angry with- want me to see, whether another
drawal and resentment is no fun, man or single girlfriends who might
and it builds on itself. encourage me to take a walk on the
But what is the difference between wild side. You have the right to tell
a dominant man and a controlling me to ask you permission before
one? I think the difference is in going anywhere or seeing anyone.
whether or not the man cares about You have the right to meet or speak
consent. to people I see. You have the right to
Some say that women's lib has make whatever conditions you think
caused a rift in the man-woman fit.
connection but I disagree. One of the When I was visiting a friend, and
things we should thank feminism for she and I were going out one after-
is that women are now able to give noon, her husband handed her her
or deny consent for the man's in- cell phone and said, “Don't forget
volvement. This consent is a power- your leash.” He requires her to be
ful connecting force and simply did contactable wherever she goes. You
not happen on a real level before. have the right to require that too.
In the past, in early agrarian socie- You have the right to tell me to let
ty when families were generally well you know where I am going. You
connected, large and so forth, it have the right to tell me to seek
might be argued that consent was permission to go where I want to go.
not necessary. But we have moved You have the right to say no.
away from that, for better or worse, If I ever forget my cell phone or
and now, women can choose to offer otherwise fail to respect your au-
consent to a man as head of their thority, you have the right to require
household. This consent is much me to submit to a spanking that is so
more powerful than the absence of severe it makes me cry and scream
consent, and it can be specific to the and beg you to stop—a spanking I'd
relationship instead of the “old way” never want repeated.
of relying on social convention and I love you and I'd never really
the dogma of others. want to annoy you, but do I want
The difference between a truly your control to be real. So would
dominant man and a controlling one you be prepared to give me a severe
is that the dominant man needs and spanking now, to show me what I'll
wants consent, whereas the control- be in for if I get out of line? I hope

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this doesn't sound like a chore for troduced the discussion, Mela-
you… it just really does it for me nie wrote:
when I feel the reality of your au-
thority. My spirits soar when my He just doesn't do stuff I need him
bottom's sore. to do. I need him to do “R” so that I
You have the right to check on me can do “S, T, U, and V.” I'm stuck and
I can't move on until he does this one
as much as you like. You have the
thing. I ask nicely. He forgets about it.
right to ask me anything you like, I write it down. He puts the paper
and to expect honest answers. I do aside and forgets about it. He has a
not mind you “interrogating” me— million important things to do. I'm
as my husband, you have the right trying to be a sweet, submissive,
to do so any time you wish. happy, non-nagging wife. But damn
I find it erotic to be possessed, it, I can't get on with my important
caged, constrained, reined-in. I don't stuff until he does this one thing. And
I can't just do everything. I don't
find it at all unpleasant. It makes me
think being submissive means doing
feel yours, safe, that you care, that all the housework, all the yard work,
we have a connection, and that you all the maintenance, all the child care,
trust me. It makes me want to give all the business tasks, all the financial
you more pleasure than ever. management, and so on, without any
You have the right to tell me to help, does it? When I try to do every-
dress modestly when I go out. If you thing, I feel like a slave and a door-
wanted me to wear a chastity belt mat, and I get very unhappy and
stressed out, and it doesn't all get
when I go out with the girls, I
done anyway. My frustration
would. You have the right to tell me mounts, and I feel that he doesn't love
to wear a necklace or bracelet upon me. Finally, I explode.
which you have had engraved our
names, or even something like “This To avoid going mad with frustra-
woman belongs to …” or “I belong tion, if I were in this situation, I'd do
to …” the following:
You tell me these things to me in Question the idea that you need
respectful tones—respectful but him to do x before you can do y.
firm—respectful, never patronizing Any time your happiness depends
or angry. I obey. I am yours.116 on someone else doing something
they often don't do, you are going to
“DEALING WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T DO be unhappy.
AS HE'S TOLD” (17 DECEMBER 2003) I think that people do not respond
well to being reminded to do things.
There is a very interesting discus- I hate it when people do that to me. I
sion on this thread,* about how to don't even like being asked to do
talk to men. In the article which in- something once, never mind over
and over again! It makes me feel like
a servant, slave, or recalcitrant child.
Similarly, I personally couldn't stand
* “How can you submit when you feel feeling that I have to nag, or being
<i>frustrated</i>?” 14 December 2003.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
expected to remind a man to do But the book I particularly recom-
something. I would just not go there. mend in this connection is Getting
It would make me feel like the man's Through To The Man You Love: The
mother or nagging wife. It would No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide For
kill my desire for the man. No way! Women, by Michele Weiner-Davis. In
It is not going to happen. it, she presents “male-friendly”
Don't let yourself be put in that ways of solving precisely the sort of
position! Solve the problem yourself problem Melanie has raised. She
instead. That will make you feel suggests, amongst other things, that
empowered and peaceful. For ex- you stop nagging and start taking
ample, suppose you have been ask- action. She talks about doing some-
ing and asking your man to change thing different. Actually, there are
the washer on one of the taps (fau- all sorts of highly practical strategies
cets) because the dripping noise is and ideas in it. The title of the hard-
really beginning to annoy you, and
back was A Woman's Guide To
he hasn't done it.
Changing Her Man—without his even
For a start, I would only ever ask
knowing it but it is really about
once, but anyway, if I were in this
changing yourself. It is very em-
situation, what would I do? I'd most
powering, fun to read, and manages
likely let my hypothetical husband
to be both sympathetic to the wom-
know that I'd asked the rather nice
an and absolutely not man-bashing.
man next door to come and do it for
me. ;-) Or I'd find an odd-job man to Well worth reading!117
come and do it. Or I might take my Best of luck!
hypothetical husband's tool box and
attempt to work out how to do it “WHAT EASY-TO-SAY WORD GIVES EVERY
myself (perhaps while my husband LOVER PLEASURE?” (18 DECEMBER
was waiting for his dinner or wait- 2003)
ing to use the bathroom!). What I
would never do would be to ask him There is a word you can use that is
again and again to do something— highly likely to give your lover an
not ever! There has got to be a better enormous amount of pleasure. It is
way—a way which does not feel like not a word that you are likely to
nagging, would not be destructive, have difficulty bringing yourself to
and would not leave you feeling like say. It is not a word you could not
throwing things. say in front of the children or your
A book that you might possibly grandmother. It is not a word that
find helpful is Laura Doyle's The would offend anyone. What is it?
Surrendered Wife. She addresses the Yes, you've guessed it. The word
problem of doing too much, and that would give so much pleasure is
advocates what she calls “self care” your lover's own name—unless you
instead of trying to get your man to say it in the heat of passion with
do what you think he should. your husband, of course. (I jest!)
I discovered this some years ago,
when I found myself feeling unac-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
countably drawn to a man who was Much is said about the closeness
pursuing me. He was rather young after a spanking, and the sense of
(fourteen years younger than I) and love. I can still get that incredible
quite fat. Eventually, I realised that I closeness and calm just from my
was drawn to him because he was husband taking me in hand in other,
such a nice, warm person, and in more subtle ways. For instance,
particular, because he used my when we're out in public and he
name a lot. (The fact that he had needs me to calm down or pay at-
flown literally halfway around the tention to him, he puts his hand on
world to meet me was neither here my neck and talks very softly to me.
nor there!) That is enough not only to get me to
Hearing my name made me feel really listen to him, but to turn me
warm and cosy and slightly excited. into mush inside as well.
I felt that his full attention was on He did this while we were shop-
me, that he was really interested. ping a few weeks ago for Thanksgiv-
Using people's names gives them a ing. He likes to come with me when
feeling of visibility. It makes them if we need do a lot of shopping, so I
feel appreciated. Try spreading a don't have to lift and carry so many
little happiness around those you things alone. He enjoys taking care
love: use their name. It is such an of me in this way and I certainly
easy and harmless way to give peo- enjoy watching him grab most of the
ple joy.118 plastic bags as one and effortlessly
flip them into his truck.
“SPANKING IS THE LAST RESORT” (18 Whenever he does something like
DECEMBER 2003) this that shows he's stronger than I
am, I love it. It makes me feel so
There's a great deal of talk about feminine. It accentuates the undeni-
spanking here—to the point where a able differences between him and
casual observer might think spank- me. It makes me feel even prouder
ing is the main focus. to be with him and to once again so
For my husband and myself, very grateful for his care.
spanking is the last resort. Not to mention it just flat-out turns
If I have to push him that hard, go me on.
to such outrageous lengths of mis- Anyway, we were shopping in the
behavior in order to feel his control store, going up and down each aisle,
and strength to the extent of his get- making sure we didn't miss any-
ting physical with me, then he be- thing when I playfully threatened to
lieves he must have let me down in spank him if he ever got out of hand
some way. My husband goes out of with me. Although he knew I was
his way on a continual basis to make only joking, his eyes widened and
sure I'm always feeling his strength flashed at me and he said very quiet-
and love, so I never feel the need to ly, “Don't even think about doing
push him to the point of actually that, ever. I mean it, Amber.” I just
spanking me. laughed, but then, a few minutes

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
later, I swatted him once very lightly
“HOW I MET MY HUSBAND, AND HOW THAT
on his butt through his jeans.
I couldn't help it, I just had to test IMPACTED MY LIFE” (19 DECEMBER
him. In hindsight, I guess I wanted 2003)
to see if he meant it or not.
Immediately, he put his hand very I was 17, was going to be 18 in a
gently on my neck, pulled me close couple months. Left at college know-
to him rather abruptly and whis- ing one person, someone I had cor-
pered in my ear that if I ever did responded with for about a year,
such a thing again, ever, I would get from meeting him at an FFA conven-
a very hard spanking when we got tion.
home. He went on to say that this Through this person I met Rob.
was only a warning, but a severe During this time, was leaving my
one. books and things at his room, be-
As far as anyone knew around us, cause it was closer to all my classes...
he was telling me a secret, not cor- go figure... fate.
recting me, so I wasn't embarrassed, So he went off to go do something,
but I did get the point. The hand on told me not to go out unless I asked
my neck, the quiet but authoritative for an escort from a roomie. They
way he spoke to me, and the look in had three rooms connected together,
his eyes was enough to show me So I had to go through one room to
that he was truly in control and wor- get to the hall. The gent across the
thy of my trust. hall was a black belt, and he was
I felt safe, reassured and content. more than willing to walk me any-
I wonder, in time, if perhaps it where I wanted to go.
won't be enough for him to be just Side note, I am 5'5" and I weighed
verbal and I'll begin to need him to 108lbs. back in 1981 :chuckle:
spank me more? Because there are I got a bit sassy and mischievous
so many people who write about and asked him, “Oh yeah what
needing it and wanting it, and yet, would happen if I, say, went up to
fearing it too. I don't feel this in gen- the library by myself?” Very calm
eral, although I can understand it on and cool he said, “I'll put you over
an erotic level, because our sex life is my knee and spank you.”
filled with my give and his take, and The reason? There was a serial rap-
possession and yielding. ist on campus at the time.
The truth is, I don't like pain and I He also had told me he was very
never will. I don't do this because I serious about following through, but
desire spankings or punishment. On I didn't believe him.
the contrary, I want to be loved and Well antsy me... decided I could
cherished like never before.119 walk the four blocks up the hill to
the library, was there a few hours...
and walked back. Thankfully for me
I was ok. Until I got back to his
dorm room that is. I did my study-
ing and set the books on the desk,
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
was watching TV when he finally 3. It restores us to our rightful
got back. He saw the books, knew I place, looking up to our masterful
had been out, went out and asked mates. Whatever it is in our psyches
the roommate if I had asked to be that needs a strong, disciplining
walked up the hill. Of course the man, it's satisfied in a direct and
answer was no. primitive way by being “taken in
So you guessed it, he was serious, hand.“ It's hard to be pissy when
it was over the pants, very chaste... you are looking up to your strong
but I never forgot how it impacted man from his (literal and/or figura-
my life!120 tive) feet.
4. We get some powerful attention,
“WHY BEING TAKEN IN HAND HELPS” (20 and if feeling neglected, misunder-
DECEMBER 2003) stood, or otherwise thwarted was
part of the bad behavior/state, then
a good spanking and some hugs and
I am naturally submissive to my
some deep talk is very healing. It's
husband in the bedroom, as he natu-
hard to be pissy when you are feel-
rally is dominant. This is an expres-
ing exquisitely understood.121
sion of our sexual selves. No prob-
lem—he gets turned on, I get turned
on, everybody's hot and happy. “DO YOU HAVE A COMMANDING PRES-
He also is head of household in a ENCE?” (21 DECEMBER 2003)
traditional way. He handles finances
and has final say in anything he I have a commanding presence. I
would care to have final say about! am calm and rational and good at
He takes care of me. He leads the determining what needs to be done
household for the benefit of myself and getting it done. People do what
and my children. I tell them. In a crisis, people look to
Sometimes I get frustrated simply me for guidance and courage. Sever-
because it isn't always easy to not be al people in a number of different
in charge! Sometimes it just happens crises have said that being in my
out of the blue, and I think “this presence is soothing and my
stinks!” And I cop an attitude be- strength comforting. I have noticed
cause things aren't going precisely that even the most independent,
my way. That's when a DD-type professionally effective, assertive
spanking really helps. I think some men and women have become sub-
of the reasons it helps include: missive to me in crisis situations.
1. Endorphins are relaxing. It's When I have asked them about this,
hard to be pissy when your brain is they have said that I make them feel
flooded with endorphins. safe and more serene, that when
2. Most of us really like getting they stay close to me, they feel that
spanked, if not during, then after! everything will be okay, and in one
It's often erotic, even when it hurts case, that she had found herself
like hell. It's hard to be pissy when wanting to do as I tell her.
you're excited!

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The first time someone told me I military order style commands,
have a commanding presence, I felt think quiet confidence, and keep
mildly insulted. I am not a control- your tone respectful. You should not
ling person and I do not seek to get need to shout. Your woman should
my own way at the expense of oth- be able to sense your control without
ers. I may be quietly confident but I you having to make a big show of it.
have no military aspirations, and I Slow down. Think before you speak.
have never wanted to join the police Consider how you move. Videotape
force or any other organisation with yourself. Do you move slowly and
a hierarchical command structure. confidently like a lion, or do you
Recently, a friend of mine told me flutter about like a nervous bird?
that he wants to be more assertive Relax. Slow down.
with his girlfriend but that he simp- How's your temper? A bad temper
ly doesn't know how. He asked me indicates weakness, a lack of self-
how to be more dominant, how to control, a lack of confidence. You
have a commanding presence, and can't have a commanding presence if
why he doesn't. It's true: he doesn't; you have a bad temper, you can only
but why? He doesn't seem to be a domineering bully. Learn some
have authority and something about self-control. Stop being defensive.
him is such that he does not com- Feeling threatened by dissent is a
mand respect, let alone obedience. weakness, not a sign of strength.
He seems full of confidence, which Face the fact that you are a fallible
is supposed to be one of the main human being who sometimes makes
things that determines whether or mistakes. Do not fear to admit that
not you have a commanding pres- you have been wrong: that is a sign
ence. Perhaps his confidence is just a of weakness. You cannot maintain a
little too brash and loud, a little too healthy dominant position in the
overt, a little too showy to feel solid. face of these weaknesses, so if they
Sometimes quieter confidence can apply to you, start working on your-
feel more real, more reliable, more self now. Create goals for yourself
calm, more controlled. and move forward step-by-step.
When I was at school, one of my As well as being quietly confident,
teachers had complete control of the respectful, and having enough self-
class at all times. He never raised his control not to lose your temper, you
voice; he always spoke respectfully; need to be honest and trustworthy.
he never punished anyone. He had a Without that, you will never have a
commanding presence. Another good relationship, and you will cer-
teacher was always punishing us, tainly never be worthy of the respect
always shouting and always used and submission you might desire.
sharp tones, ordering us about as As you develop your dominance,
though we were in the military. He you need to bend over backwards to
had no control of the class at all. be fair and consistent. As the person
If you are a man who wants to step in charge, you have a lot of respon-
into a more dominant role in your sibility for the happiness of your
relationship, instead of using sharp, partner and for the health of your
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
relationship. Take your responsibil- “MAKING IT EXPLICIT VERSUS KEEPING IT
ity seriously. Arbitrary punishment
IMPLICIT” (22 DECEMBER 2003)
feels unfair and will lose you re-
spect.
I have recently become involved
Take things slowly. Be prepared to
with a woman who enjoys having a
back-track in the event that some-
strong man in her life—someone
thing you try turns out to be prob-
who will treat her with respect, yet
lematic. Expect to make mistakes.
not be afraid to provide (and en-
Expect to have to make changes.
force) boundaries where they are
Keep your ego out of it. Treat it as an
needed. Knowing that she would
exciting and fun adventure rather
not be happy with a man who could
than a test of your manhood. Accept
not do this, she was brave enough to
yourself as you are, and move for-
tell me upfront what it was she was
ward from where you are. Until you
looking for. As a result, I found my-
accept yourself, no one else will, and
self looking at my role in a relation-
you will not have the control you
ship in a different light. Previously,
want. You can't fake a commanding
rather than explicitly define expecta-
presence, you can only move to-
tions, I simply acted the way that felt
wards having that, and you can only
natural to me in a relationship. Some
do so through thought and effort
women reacted favourably; others
and with the time and the will and
did not.
the creativity to improve.
With hindsight, I realise that I was
One more thing: keep talking to
always a bit dominant. At no time
the woman you love. She most likely
did I take my partners in hand
has more belief in you than you do,
(something I now regret—the perils
and if she is reading Taken In Hand,
of cultural conditioning, you
she is undoubtedly behind you all
know)—I just acted according to my
the way, wanting this to work, want-
own internal rules, as felt proper to
ing to please you. Look into her eyes
me at the time (protective and re-
and see the love for you reflected
spectful, yet in charge; always keep-
there. Look into her heart and see
ing my given word, etc.). But my
how willing she is to submit, despite
current partner has explicit ideas
your imperfections. Bask in her ad-
about what she wants, and this has
miration and appreciation. Notice
made me do a lot of thinking. This
how happy and peaceful even the
focus on what my partner is looking
smallest sign of your dominance
for has allowed me to examine what
makes her. Notice how it increases
it is I myself want, and why previ-
her libido and heats up your sex life.
ous relationships ultimately felt un-
You don't have to be perfect, you
fulfilled.
don't have to stressfully boss her
It dawned on me that in any rela-
about, you don't have to bellow: just
tionship where there is not a clear
be yourself, and allow her to feel
understanding of what each partner
your authority in small ways.122
wants, we are, at best, groping in the
dark. While that can be fun in its

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own right, if what you want is un- term fulfilment. It's a balancing act
conventional, you are less likely to between making things explicit and
get it if you are not clear about it. keeping your relationship moving
Being honest with ourselves (and forward. Keep talking, but keep
also our partners) can have enor- your relationship dynamic too.
mous benefits. For a start, once you Of course, all the above sounds
start making what you want explicit, easy till you try to put it into prac-
that gets you and your partner tice. In practice, it's sometimes not so
thinking and talking about it. That easy to state what you want, and
opens the lines of communication people change their minds too. You
and increases the level of intimacy have to factor that into the equation.
you share. Another thing we've And the fact that there are whole
found (we are still in the early stages threads on Taken In Hand
of explorinig!) is that talking about about how to tell your part-
what we want helps us get a better ner reveals how nervous many peo-
understanding of exactly what we ple feel about talking about this.
like and don't like. It also helps us What is equally revealing is that
explore our likes and dislikes more most of these articles seem to be
fully. Once you state a want explicit- based on the woman telling her
ly, you and your partner can then man. Do not forget the man howev-
think about it and discuss it, go fur- er: when all is said and done, if he
ther into it and decide it's not for misinterprets the signs from a wom-
you after all. Or maybe you'll find an, he could easily end up on an
that it's just the tip of the iceberg and assault charge.
there's a whole new world to explore This brings us to the key point
in that direction. about making things explicit versus
Talking about what you want is keeping it implicit. For a relation-
not without risks of course—but if ship to be anything other than abu-
you do not feel able to take risks sive, genuine consent must be given
with the person you are sharing freely. Consent is less clear in a rela-
your life with, with whom will you tionship in which one person is
take those risks? Nobody? You only dominant but this has not been dis-
get one life—do not waste a day of cussed explicitly. So women want-
it. (Errm. Unless you believe in re- ing a man to take them in hand
incarnation, that is. In which case, would be well advised to be explicit
you probably have quite a few life- in giving their consent, to avoid a
times to play with and get lots of situation in which their partner fears
practice in. Ouch.) to act because he is unsure he has
One risk of making things explicit consent.
is that you might define fixed un- It may sound odd to some, but to
changeable roles that you will even- me it is important that whilst the
tually find restricting and boring. So man and the woman are not the
it's important to stay aware of this same, and the man is the head of the
risk and avoid getting stuck in a household, they are still equal part-
rigid role that won't bring you long- ners in the relationship. I like femi-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
nine women—but both partners are She had her eyes closed
of equal value and of equal im- and was in that “special place”
portance within the relationship. If I circled her
they are not equal, how could there Then stood over her face
be proper consent? Consent must be Thinking of what...if any...
freely given. Similarly, partners To say to her
must both be equally able to with- I lowered myself to her
draw their consent at a later date, if Brought my face to her ear
they decide that the relationship is and whispered....
not for them. “You are safe...”
Becoming more explicit about Her face went slack
what you want can help in forming a and she burst into tears
stable, respectful relationship. It can They were tears of
also be fun, sexy, and very interest- Joy!
ing! Try it: you might find you learn That is why...
a lot about yourself.123 They want to feel
Safe125
“I WANT...” (23 DECEMBER 2003)
“A LOVE LETTER” (27 DECEMBER 2003)
I want… respect
I want… to submit My dear, did you think I did not
I want… to be feminine have high expectations? Let me tell
I want… to be loved you what I was looking for in a man,
I want… to be tamed and I will let you judge the level of
I want… to be cared for expectations along with the ladies of
I want… to be controlled the group as to how high I was on a
I want… to be constrained scale of one to ten.
I want… to be reined-in First there was truthfulness. I
I want… to be taken in hand looked for and found that. He had to
I want… to be taken have the genuine thing which meant
I want… to be with a man for he looked into the mirror and could
longer than two dates124 commit to a life of honesty which
meant a life according to his deepest
“SAFE” (24 DECEMBER 2003) values lived each day demonstrated
through his interactions with others.
Susie has said that she would pre- Second I looked for and found
fer to be with a dominant man who humility. I saw a man who lives
did not spank her, rather than a non- close to the earth and recognizes our
dominant one who did. connection to it and how our very
It sparked a memory. survival depends upon our respect-
I remember early on, with Annie, ing it. I saw a man who passed cred-
when we were finding “likes and it for accomplishments on to his
limits”. teammates, his fellow employees
It was a very intense scene and coworkers or family members. I

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
saw a man who most times chose to you had the sillies, and I most cer-
think well of others rather than not. tainly had to have those.
Third I saw a man who respected Now is this a woman with low ex-
confidentiality that excluded even pectations?126
me. A list member, well known here
in the past, had assumed you had “GIVE NEW LOVE A CHANCE” (28
shared her story with me that she DECEMBER 2003)
had asked you to keep private. She
was quite amazed to find you had When you lose someone with
not, and notably impressed. whom you have had the relationship
Fourth I found wisdom. Wisdom of your dreams, it is natural to spend
grown out of experience and based a lot of time thinking about the per-
in intelligent thought. I really liked son you have lost and what you had
that, and it was deeply important to together. But when you enter a new
me. relationship, it is important to turn
Fifth is flexibility. You are so your attention to what you have
adaptable and willing to try most now in this new relationship. If in-
things without too much fuss at least stead you live in the past, you might
for a short while. You like most not be giving your new relationship
things and eat most foods, even veg- a chance to grow and develop. Few
etables. are strong enough to compete with
Sixth is generosity. You are the the ghosts of past loves.
most generous man I know and will Sha expresses this truth much
share most all of what you have with more poetically, saying to those in
those who need or want it, I have this situation:
noticed this about you. Picture yourself. You represent life
Seventh is one that most do not re- and what you want your will to live.
quire and neither did I really and You are on a mountain top. The
most likely should not be included mountain represents the love you
in this list, but it was a nice bonus have lost and the strength he
about you... originality. You are showed you.
most original in your thought and it The mountain was so high that
has been such a delightful experi- you felt safe from the world and
ence for me that I simply cannot untouchable by the world. Until one
write this without mentioning it. day the mountain slipped and you
There are other things like passion started falling. The falling represents
and idealism, and sweetness. You the pain that you are in. As you fall
were sweet when you brought me you try reaching out for the moun-
tulips after a spanking that one April tain, trying to grab hold of some part
day. I will never forget that. of that great strong mountain, but
Eighth is you accepted my consent the mountain is not there now. The
for our relationship and in turn gave more you fight, trying to get hold of
me yours... it, the more pain you cause to your-
And last... you knew how to spell self
license two ways, which showed
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What you haven't realized is that that is waiting for you with a great
you have a parachute. The parachute big landing area.127
represents the submitting to your
new love, and all you have to do is “HOW I TURNED THE FANTASY INTO REALI-
hold on to the parachute and float to TY” (29 DECEMBER 2003)
the safety of another mountain
which will be your new love as soon After the demise of my marriage (a
as you land there. But being away long boring story) I was determined
from the first mountain that made for my next relationship to be differ-
you so safe you are scared to trust ent. I realized that if my next rela-
anything and any one. The para- tionship was to be a happy one then
chute has not been tested enough for I needed to find a woman who de-
you to trust it, but what you don't sired domestic discipline. I started
realize also is that you have tested it my search for a woman with this
every day you have been together thought in mind. I was blessed to
with your new love. So all you need find such a woman and we have
to do is pull that rope the rope is been living in a domestic discipline
hope and trust and let the parachute relationship for more than five years
safely carry to that other mountain now.
top that is just as safe and even as The most difficult part of this jour-
strong as the first one. I know that is ney was getting started. Entertaining
scary too because you afraid that a domestic discipline fantasy and
this mountain will shake and you living in such a relationship are not
will be falling again but you serious- the same thing. Like many others,
ly can't keep falling forever. At the we went through a number of trials,
end of that fall is death and we do starting and stopping domestic dis-
not want that. cipline several times in the first year
The first mountain is gone now before we both worked through the
and you can't keep trying to hang on details. Any relationship is bound to
to it. You can keep the reminders of have some trying moments and a
it, like when kids go on field trips domestic discipline one is no excep-
and collect leaves and flowers and tion. We have arrived at a point in
put them in a Memory Book.They our relationship that we could not
take that book out once in a while imagine living any other way. Since
and look at the leaves and things we were both interested in pursuing
they collected and they remember such a relationship perhaps our do-
what they learned on that trip that is mestic discipline journey was
a good thing. But they don't try to somewhat easier than those who are
make their way in life based on that trying to institute one after many
trip. You are on another field trip years of marriage.
and this one could be better than the My major concern when first start-
last. You have to give it a chance and ing out was learning how and when
explore the new mountain. Pull that to use discipline. It is one thing to
rope and go to the other mountain fantasize about giving a disciplinary

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spanking, it is another matter to ac- able to express and accept our true
tually give one, especially to the natures.
woman I love. Erotic spanking was The benefits have been profound.
always easy, but a disciplinary Even after five years we still behave
spanking, which most women here like newly weds. She feels secure
want, was not so easy. What I and more feminine in knowing that I
learned over time was that my wife am in charge and I proudly, without
wanted me to be firm. She needed shame or self-consciousness, am able
me to take charge and be the head of to be true to my masculine nature.
the household... not as a game or a What a relief! I must also add that I
role play, but for real. Intellectually, have gained a loving and caring wife
I understood this and wanted this, who spoils me rotten. Who would've
but finding the resources within ever thought that something so
myself and being bold enough to act seemingly simple could have such
took me a while to feel comfortable profound impact on our union? Go
in that role. figure....
My wife says I took to it like a We use very traditional discipli-
duck to water lol, but I am not sure nary methods. Most typical are long
woman understand that in this cur- over the knee spankings with a few
rent cultural climate claiming to be small light weight paddles or my
the head of the household is seen not hand. We have experimented with
only as anachronistic, but also abu- several implements, but prefer these
sive. What I came to learn was that implements primarily because they
being the head of the household was do not leave the kind of marks and
not so much about being like Father bruising other implements do.
Knows Best, but rather a matter of Sometimes, depending on the situa-
truly understanding how my domi- tion, I incorporate corner-time in the
nance/masculinity and disciplinary sessions.
her submission/femini-nity worked Ultimately, I think everyone enter-
together to meet our individual taining this lifestyle should ask
needs. themselves how does this help us to
Living together as husband and become more connected and en-
wife in a domestic discipline rela- hance intimacy. In spite of how it
tionship has made us closer than I may seem to others, this is not about
ever thought I could be with another oppression or limiting my wife, in-
person. The trust she has in me is stead it is about meeting needs and
truly humbling. To us this is not just finding fulfillment in each other.128
about a man spanking a woman, but
how we relate to each other on a “THE HEALING POWER OF TAKING HER IN
daily basis. For us this is not (just) HAND” (31 DECEMBER 2003)
about me spanking my naughty wife
(not that there is anything wrong Looking back on my time with the
with that lol) but rather is about how woman I love, I'd have to say our
we connect as a man and a woman. discipline comes down to being ul-
Through domestic discipline we are
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timately about changing the way we would not even consider anything
relate to each other. I think we all that would harm others.
can react sometimes instead of re- We use discipline as our way of
sponding the way in saner, calmer choosing how we're going to relate
moments we would agree is more instead of allowing our random,
reasonable. However, we get used to often unconscious and sometimes
a certain way of relating to an inti- harmful interactions to determine
mate partner, and that way is really how we relate over time.129
easy to get back into if we don't
make a conscious effort to change it. “IS THERE CONSENT?” (1 JANUARY
The effect of poor communication on 2004)
a relationship will eventually erode
the relationship. A wife is hit for the second time in
Once, when I wasn't paying atten- a week by her husband, but when
tion, I sat on my girlfriend's glasses her best friend begs her to leave him,
and bent the frames. She said that she refuses, saying that she loves her
these poor frames were bent beyond husband and that it is her fault that
repair and she was trying to have he is violent with her. Is there con-
me believe she would need to go sent?
through life blind from then on. The It depends what is going on in the
truth is that I did bend her glasses mind of the wife. Is she torn be-
frame, a mistake of some careless- tween her compulsion to stay with
ness, but after some time I did re- her husband and her wish not to be
spond by stating (rather decisively I abused? If so, in staying with her
might add) that we were not going husband, she is acting against her
to continue to relate over such issues will—against that part of her will
in this matter. She calmed down that wants her not to be abused. In
immediately. The glasses were even- this case, whilst she might be
tually repaired free of charge at the deemed to be consenting in the legal
local and very friendly Fred Meyer sense of the term, she is certainly not
Optometrist. consenting in any other sense, and
Truth is, before this relationship, I her husband is acting immorally in
likely would have been overpow- hitting her.
ered by a woman who was in such a Conversely, suppose this is a very
state, would have had no real choice happy marriage and the wife
except to “fight back” or just leave. It wholeheartedly prefers the spanking
is easy to see how this way of relat- and wishes she could get through to
ing would diminish a relationship her friend that this is not an abusive
and diminish both individuals over situation, this is her husband indulg-
time. I think, for us, that discipline ing her desire for a strong, dominant
isn't really about the guilt thing, the man who isn't afraid to take her in
“making her a better person” (she's hand now and again. In this case,
wonderful the way she is), and she there is consent and the husband is
really doesn't engage in individually not acting immorally.
harmful behavior. She certainly
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Here is another example: after midday, do you find that irri-
A couple of lovers are walking tating or controlling? Or if you are
along a deserted cliff in the moon- honest, do you find it thrilling? If
light. They are not speaking, but you were single, would you look for
every now and then, they look at a man who never says no, or would
one another and smile. At one point, you look for another take-charge
the man sweeps the woman off her man? Do you prefer your man to
feet literally, and makes love to her. wear the trousers, or is it something
Is there consent? you merely put up with? If you were
Again, there is not enough infor- never taken in hand again, would
mation to go on. There might be, or you miss it or would you be glad? Is
it there might not be. What is the this what you really want, or some-
woman's state of mind? Is she thing you tolerate?
thrilled? Joyful? Happy about it? Or Notice that whether or not there is
is she horrified? Or in an unpleasant consent in the relevant sense hinges
state of turmoil? Does she wish that on the state of mind of the person
he had respected her request that he consenting. There are other senses of
not do anything like that this week? the word “consent” which are not so
Or is she glad about it? relevant here, for example, legal
The most useful sense of the word consent. It would be a disaster to use
“consent” for our purposes the same standard of consent for
is moral/psychological consent. Is this legal purposes. Legally, it makes
really what you want? Are you in sense to err on the side of assuming
conflict? Is that conflict real and dis- consent. If a woman goes along with
tressing to you, or do you see it as an a man's sexual advances, and he has
exciting adventure or exploration? Is not drugged her or threatened her,
it something you would really rather etc., the law has to assume that she
not have to endure, or is it actually is consenting. For legal purposes,
something you welcome? If you she cannot reasonably claim rape if
could press a magic button that she does not at least try to convey
would instantly stop your husband her reluctant state of mind to the
taking you in hand, would you press man. But for our purposes, that is
it or not? In your heart of hearts, do too low a standard of consent.
you actually love what your hus- An honourable man doesn't just
band does, or do you wish he did want to stay on the right side of the
not take you in hand? Have you law, he cares about real consent: he
been longing for a man who would wants the reality to be that the
be firm with you and are you over- woman he is with is genuinely,
joyed to have found such a man—or wholeheartedly, deeply wanting
do you long for the day when he him to do what he is doing. If he
will no longer take you in hand? thought that she was actually in the
If you've been having trouble same state of mind as a battered
sleeping and you are getting worn wife, he would be appalled. For a
out and under the weather, and your decent man, it is not enough to have
husband tells you not to drink coffee his wife's “blanket consent”. Even if
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she has said that she gives him blan- never give her a ‘punishment spank-
ket consent, he wants to feel sure ing’.
that she is truly consenting on an on- The states of mind are simply not
going basis. The man who gets his the same. In the one case, there is
wife's agreement and then doesn't no consent; in the other, there is. It
care how she feels thereafter is likely may sound non-consensual, and one
to violate consent and is unlikely to can understand why the casual
have a good relationship. reader might find it all rather alarm-
In my next article about consent, I ing and horrifying, but as I have
talk about the psychology of consen- tried to show, it is actual-
sual non-consent…130 ly consensual.
Given the limits of the English
“SHE WANTS TO BE TAKEN IN HAND language, it is not unreasonable to
AGAINST HER WILL?!” (2 JANUARY describe this as “wanting non-
consent” or “consensual coercion” or
2004) “consensual non-consent”. But for
those who can't even begin to un-
There is something worth discuss-
derstand why anyone would want
ing that is deeply consensual but
this, let me explain more clearly
appears for all the world to be non-
what this is all about, and thereby
consensual, and it is not easy to ex-
show that this is not a sign of being
press in words in the English lan-
screwed up. So, what is going on in
guage without using the term “non-
the mind of a woman who “wants
consent”. Many in the DD communi-
non-consent”?
ty are adamant that they absolutely
For the sake of simplicity, I think
hate what they call “punishment
of this in the following way (and I'd
spankings” and that there is abso-
really appreciate feedback/criticism
lutely no sexual element to them,
on this, BTW).
and that they would do anything to
There is the core “me” that must
avoid getting one.
be consenting on an on-going basis
They say all this, and I have no
and absolutely not distressed, oth-
doubt that they are sincere, but they
are clearly not in the same state of erwise there is a risk of a psycholog-
ical catastrophe. Think of this as the
mind as a battered wife. They do
underlying reality, such that if the
actually prefer to be with a man who
core “me” were not consenting, I'd
will do that, and not in the way that
be in the same terrible state of mind
the abused wife ‘prefers’ not to leave
as the battered wife. I want to ex-
her battering husband. The abused
plore, learn, evolve; I want to forge
wife would most definitely wave the
new paths and discover new things,
magic wand that would turn her
but that always involves psychologi-
abusive husband into a non-batterer;
cal risk, and I want to avoid real
the DD wife would definite-
non-consent like the plague, because
ly not wave that magic wand to turn
real non-consent is real distress, and
her husband into a man who would
that can be very damaging, as we
have established.
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Nevertheless, that is not the end of mind, I have a rendering of that
the matter, for there is something happening, except that I am typing,
that draws even perfectly sane indi- not drinking, so I also have thoughts
viduals to this thing I am calling about wanting to stop typing and
“non-consent” but which is consen- actually drink some tea.
sual. Why do so many seem drawn Now I am drinking my tea and
to explore these potentially risky typing one-handed, and I have satis-
psychological waters? Because such fied tea-drinking feelings in addition
exploration, if successful, creates to the idea of drinking tea I had be-
valuable new knowledge for that fore. But note that what I have in my
person. The exploration of ‘non- mind is only ever a rendering of tea
consent’ is (if all goes well) under drinking (a mental representation of
the psychological control of the tea drinking), never the actual thing,
‘non-consenting’ person. It is not because I don't have any magical
psychologically infinite. It is circum- way of drinking tea directly with my
scribed. mind, I drink it in the ordinary way,
Think of it as being in just one part through my mouth and down my
of your mind. That part of your throat. The tea doesn't go anywhere
mind might be not consenting, near my mind, so my mind's experi-
whilst the core you is enjoying what ence of tea drinking is not direct but
is happening in that part of your only ever a mental representation, a
mind, a bit like you might enjoy a rendering.
very scary film. Part of you has to be However, drinking tea and merely
scared otherwise the film does not thinking about drinking tea are two
move you, but if the whole of you— different experiences. Just as being
or the core you—is scared, then you coerced and merely thinking about
are overwhelmed with fear and thus being coerced are two different
distressed. The successful explora- things, when I am actually drinking
tion of non-consent, like enjoying tea, the tea-drinking rendering in my
watching a scary film, is a rendering. mind is richer, more complex. My
In the one case, you have a render- brain is receiving more information
ing of non-consent; in the other, you when I am actually drinking tea.
have a rendering of being scared. There are different levels (loosely
What do I mean by rendering speaking). In a sense, when you
(mental representation)? (1) think aboutbeing raped or
Imagine your mind as a series of spanked against your will, you have
interconnecting thoughts, ideas, a low-level rendering of non-consent
values, etc. Each thought you have is in your mind. In this case, if you are
in a semantic context of other just thinking about it and have no
thoughts, standards, values, etc. The particular problem thinking about it,
ideas are related to each other. In you don't really experience the non-
your mind, you could have a repre- consent. It doesn't affect you notice-
sentation of and ideas about some- ably.
thing. At this moment, I am thinking You could, if you were of a mind
about drinking a cup of tea. In my to, get more into thinking about that
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daydream. You could think about it ‘exploring non-consent’ are some-
in more detail, (2) imagine what the how desensitised. When you are
non-consent might feel like, think about exploring non-consent (for example,
more details of the experience, think receiving a serious spanking ‘against
about it as an experience. This would your will’) part of your mind must
be a higher-level or richer, more be engaging with the non-consent,
complex rendering of non-consent. affected by it.
Part of you would be in some sense Another thing you could do would
‘experiencing’ the non-consent. For be to (3) act out some approximation of
some people, this would be enough your daydream of non-consent with
to distress them. Even this would another person. This interactive ver-
feel psychologically dangerous to sion could be more circumscribed
them. and pre-planned in detail, to reduce
Similarly, some individuals can't the psychological risk. Or it could be
watch films depicting violence with- less planned, less circumscribed.
out being distressed, whereas others This would increase the psychologi-
can enjoy them. Those who can en- cal risk and increase the complexity
joy such films have the ability to and richness of the rendering. That
engage with the rendered violence is to say, the less pre-planned and
without being adversely affected at circumscribed the interaction,
their core, as it were. It is not that roughly speaking, the closer the ap-
most who enjoy violent films are proximation to ‘the real thing’.
“desensitised to violence”: on the Some individuals at some times
contrary, if they were, they would will not even want to think of being
not enjoy such films, they would be subjected to something against their
bored by them or indifferent to will (perhaps if they have just been
them. Part of the enjoyment of the raped for real), but at other times,
film is being interested in it, engag- might be quite happy to engage in
ing with it, caring about the charac- quite a realistically acted-out render-
ters, wanting the good guys to pre- ing of non-consent. Some individu-
vail, and so on. You can only care als will be interested in only very
about that if part of you fears that circumscribed role-playing acting
the bad guys might win, for exam- out of non-consent. They might well
ple. That rendered fear or “being on prefer a set time for this role play,
the edge of your seat” is exciting. and think of it as a ‘scene’, and have
Similarly, if you were, say, physi- a safe-word. These are ways of re-
cally anaesthetised and drugged ducing the psychological risk—of
such that you were desensitised to circumscribing the rendering so that
pain and not really conscious, any- it does not get out of hand and cause
thing that might happen to you real distress in their core self, as it
would not be having much effect were.
psychologically at the time at all. Other individuals are actively ex-
That would not be exploring non- ploring and engaging with the idea
consent in the sense I refer to. So it is of non-consent, and for some of
not that those who are drawn to those individuals, the ways of cir-
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cumscribing the experience I have ple want to suffer the distress of
just mentioned would destroy the coercion: what they want (conscious-
value of the exploration. For them, ly or unconsciously) is
circumscribing it that much would to learn something. Engaging with
make the experience empty and bar- non-consent is psychologically chal-
ren of knowledge-creating potential. lenging, and when you survive and
They would not get much out of it. meet a challenge, you come out the
These individuals want to explore other side stronger, more able to
the idea more deeply. They want a meet other challenges too. That is a
richer, more complex, less circum- powerfully satisfying feeling, and
scribed rendering. knowing that you can do this can
It is quite possible to take the posi- enable you to remain rational in
tion that you would absolutely nev- entirely unrelated difficult situa-
er willingly submit, even though tions. This is useful in life. Amongst
you really want more than anything other things, it means that you are
to be brought to submission by a less likely to be upset by things.
strong man. Some women fight, run, Of course not everyone is interest-
lock doors, kick and scratch like a ed in this, and some increase their
wildcat, or behave like real shrews, strength in other ways, or are intel-
and yet, they can be bitterly disap- lectually engaged in other spheres,
pointed if the man does not use and that is fine. But for those who
force to make them submit. are interested in this particular psy-
In some cases, some individuals chological exploration, it is valuable.
will want a much more realistic ap- Suppose a woman has spent 20
proximation to the real thing, and at years searching for a man who will
some point, it seems not totally un- administer serious discipline against
reasonable to describe that as the her screams and protestations, and
person “wanting non-consent”. In a when she finally finds such a man,
sense they don't, in that if the ren- she willingly gives him blanket con-
dering in their mind is out of control sent to be in control and to adminis-
psychologically, they will be dis- ter discipline if he thinks fit. Sup-
tressed and definitely not wanting pose that she finds that instead of
it, not consenting. But if it remains being happy and peaceful, she feels
circumscribed and under their con- distressed and unhappy. Then she is
trol, then they might well be in a not consenting, and unless she is in
state which can be described as the paralysed state of mind many
“wanting non-consent”. battered women are in, she will seek
As to why individuals are interest- to make changes or leave the man.
ed in exploring non-consent, there But if instead she feels happy and
could be many reasons, but what it peaceful and loves the man passion-
boils down to is the pursuit of ately and would not change him for
knowledge (in the broadest sense), the world, I think we can safely say
psychological growth or improve- that she is consenting, even if she
ment, increased psychological says that she hates being spanked.
strength. It is not actually that peo- Saying that she hates it and even
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thinking that she hates it is all part sion, of my own free will, call you
of her rendering, and is fruitful psy- “Sir” in the same spirit Elizabeth
chologically. And as I have said be- calls Mr Darcy “Sir” in Pride and
fore, for many women, it is not the Prejudice, but in that case I'd expect
spanking per se that they crave, it is you to address me in turn every bit
the authority and control of the man, as respectfully. I will not call any
and one way that might be ex- man “Sir” or “Master” on command.
pressed is by force (such as disci- But if you want to address me as
pline) on occasion. “Madam” or “my lady” and make a
I have been looking at this from little bow as you do so, feel free to
the perspective of the person want- do so. ;-)
ing to experience things ‘against If you expect me to wait on you
their will’ but the person wanting to hand and foot, clip your toenails, or
explore it from the other side is also give you a full body massage twice a
on a quest for knowledge. Rendering day, sorry, but you picked the
non-consent is not just psychologi- wrong woman. But if you want to
cally risky and potentially valuable wait on me and give me a full body
for the person receiving it, the same massage twice a day, etc., etc., etc.,
is true for the person doing it too. I that would be delightful! Perhaps
shall say more about this in a future you would like to bathe me too? Oh,
article.131 and feed me grapes while you're at
it, there's a good chap.
“I DON'T WANT TO BE A SERVANT OR If you wait for me to bow and
SLAVE” (3 JANUARY 2004) scrape and grovel and hover around
ready to receive your next order,
In her article, “A need for control,” you'll be waiting a long time. It's not
Sharron mentioned three types going to happen. I don't want a mas-
of submission: obedience, service, ter or a commanding officer or an
and control. Let's get one thing employer, I want a relationship with
straight. I don't want to be anyone's a man, a lover, a friend, an equal.
servant. (Is that why I'm still single?) Yes, okay, I do want you to be the
Were I talking to a prospective suit- head of the household, but I don't
or, I'd say the following: envisage this as you being the em-
Please don't treat me like a slave or ployer of a household of servants or
expect me to treat you like a master. even the owner of a single slave.
And if you start writing my name in You may be the master of the
lowercase or referring to me as your house, but for a happy, harmonious
“sub”, I shall be altogether unim- home, wield your power quietly,
pressed. That is just not my cup of respectfully, and with consideration,
tea. like the polite teacher with the
Call me strange, but whilst I do commanding presence. If you start
want to please you, I don't have the barking orders at me, I am likely to
slightest desire to call you “Master” rebel and tell you where to stick
or “Sir”. Correction: I might on occa- your orders. Whilst I must admit to
having the odd fantasy about being
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
taken in hand by a big muscular against being told that I must do
military man, I don't really want a these things to demonstrate respect.
commanding officer—not if that Respect is not something that can be
idea is used to turn me into an un- commanded, it has to be earned. The
appreciated servant anyway. only thing one can give on com-
Don't even think about command- mand is the semblance of respect,
ing me to do all the cooking and the form of respectfulness. Don't get
cleaning and to have breakfast, me wrong, I think that respectful-
lunch and dinner on the table at ness is important, but that goes both
such-and-such times every day, be- ways, and to me, it seems disrespect-
cause if you insist on this, I will be ful to treat your lover like a servant
miserable and feel oppressed. It is unless she likes that.132
not that I don't want to cook and
clean. I will do it, but I need either to “THE APPEAL OF A VERY FEMININE WOM-
have the freedom to do it my way AN” (7 JANUARY 2004)
(which might not be to your stand-
ards or on your timetable) or I need Very feminine women—both in
to be given vast amounts of appreci- looks and in nature—really turn me
ation for my efforts, or both. I may on. I love a woman who oozes femi-
well serve out of love, but I do not ninity in her manner, the way she
love to serve in the sense of having looks at me, the way she moves, the
the service kink. If you take the view way she talks. I love the way a femi-
that I must serve, that I owe you it, nine woman will look up at me from
that you have a right to expect it of under her eyelashes with an inno-
me, then I will not be happy to do it. cent, softly submissive, shy, blush-
Allow me to give these things freely ing expression.
rather than demanding them, and I love a woman who makes the ef-
you may be pleasantly surprised. fort to dress femininely. It doesn't
If you start expecting me to do the- have to be skirts all the time—jeans
se things—or indeed to wash your can be feminine too, as anyone who
clothes, iron your shirts, clean your enjoys spanking a nice bottom will
shoes, or bake you fresh rolls every tell you. But I love stockings and
morning—and particularly if you nice underwear—well I'm a man,
get angry when I don't do these what can I say?!
things—I am likely to feel taken for To know that my girlfriend, J,
granted and treated like a servant bears in mind what I like when she
and then I won't want to do any- chooses how to dress really makes
thing for you. If, on the other hand, me feel good. I don't lay down rules
you do not expect such service, you about dress, but J does wear clothes
are very likely to get it, particularly she knows I will like, and I find that
if you notice and appreciate it when pleasing and even erotic. She does it
I do these things. A little apprecia- for me, because she loves me and
tion can make all the difference! she's mine. How could any man not
I do enjoy giving things and ser- enjoy that?133
vice to those I love, but I react
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“THE PARADOX OF THE STRONG AND SUB- The nature of this particular para-
dox is this: That it is in my partner's
MISSIVE WOMAN” (8 JANUARY 2004)
nature to be a strong, independent
and, at times, even commanding
Let me just start by saying that as a
force in much of her life, while also
man who has, over the past couple
having a genuinely and lovingly
of years, truly come into his own, it's
submissive side that she chooses to
a real pleasure for me to see men
share with a trusted partner. It is not
like Random, Howard Frank, Gary
that the strong, independent, com-
and Dan (of Dan and Amber) whose
manding side of her is an act, a way
nature as a dominant partner ties in
of “being tough” for the outside
directly to their nature as a gentle-
world—it is who she is and neither
man and, truthfully, as a masculine
she nor I would ever choose to
nurturer. We are truly blessed to
change it.
have the partners that we do, and
Both sides of her are equally “her”
they in turn are blessed to have men
and each one feeds the other—the
like us in their lives (I am no believer
strong, independent side helps her
in false modesty—it's just a part of
to grow and explore and to protect
my appalling American streak). Not
herself in a world that is by no
that I in any way believe that all
means always benevolent or benign.
relationships should be like ours. I
But her submissive side, the part of
have to admit that I grit my teeth
her that will always be a young
when I read things like “The male is
girl—playful, loving and constantly
naturally the dominant partner,
reassured by having a stronger,
while the female is naturally sub-
guardian force there to nurture and
missive,” then laugh to think what
guide her—helps to give the wom-
my wonderful dominant female
anly, independent side strength.
friends would say to this (and how
Human nature being what it is,
they might react if they had a paddle
although I believe we have these
in their hands at the time...). It is not
polarities “hard-wired” into us, we
that “This is the one truly right way
are not designed to be able to meet
to live and love”, it's simply that it is
all of our own needs. However in-
so important to understand and be
dependent any of us may be, we are
honest about one's own nature and
truly social animals, and it is im-
to find a partner who complements
portant to honor and respect that. By
you in her own nature, needs and
nurturing and encouraging both
desires.
sides of my beloved M (the sides of
For me this is one of the essential
her that is “My lady” and the side
paradoxes at play in my relation-
that is “My girl”) I help make both
ship, and in all successful relation-
stronger.
ships I have had—and I use paradox
Now how does this play out for
in the truest sense of something that
me? Do I have exactly the same
appears to be a contradiction, but is
needs? Not quite. I certainly do have
actually a deeper form of truth than
a vulnerable side (as does every
we can usually express.
human being with a soul), but his
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needs are not exactly the same as no matter what the cost to myself.
M's. I love being taken care of when However, for whatever reason, I
it is a gift from my beloved or my could always respond to being rea-
friends and family. I love being able soned with, and when treated this
to let go with those I most deeply way acted like a real little mensch
trust and admire, to allow myself to almost all the time.
be a well-taken-care-of child at times Until fairly recently, I had thought
so that I can be even more fully the because this was true of me, it must
man that I am the rest of the time. be true of every child—then I met a
But—and you will see this is in ac- lot more children and talked to my
tual children—not everyone's friends about their experiences par-
(please forgive the cliché) “inner enting and being parented and real-
child” is the same. No children re- ized it simply wasn't the case. The
spond well to abuse, but I do believe kind of liberal, reasonable, hands-off
that some respond well to a more approach that worked so well for
hands-on, dominant style of parent- me, might, with another child, have
ing than others. Although no chil- produced an unhappy, disrespectful
dren really love the actual moment brat who felt thoroughly neglected
of being spanked by their parents, and acted out all the time to demon-
some respond very well to knowing strate this.
that there is a very firm hand to Not that the kind of child, who
guide and discipline them whenever would respond to even the most
they stumble and fall. For these chil- loving spanking by becoming truly
dren, I believe that lovingly given and aggressively defensive, should
spankings of the firm-but-not-harsh not have boundaries set for him or
variety, and that are preceded and her. As it is with the dogs we keep
followed by much parental love and as pets, children need to know that
affection are truly beneficial (and boundaries of acceptable and non-
political correctness be damned...). acceptable conduct exist so that they
But for others, this is simply not can grow and be happy. It is simply
the case (Lord knows, I was one of that other (perhaps more “adult”)
this latter kind)—I would have hat- forms of discipline—such as “com-
ed being disciplined in this way and munity service” projects like white-
reacted to it in a fight-to-the-death washing a wall or cleaning out an
kind of way. And so, growing up, I attic, instead of going on a family
made sure that I was always well- movie trip—may be more beneficial
behaved enough to not have to be, to their growth and happiness.
and so was able to do my own thing It is the same with me and M—
most of the time without needing both of us have our vulnerabilities,
authority imposed on me. Had my both of us make human mistakes.
parents decided to apply some “old- For M, when she needs to be held
fashioned” discipline to me, my re- accountable (or sometimes just com-
action would have been to fight forted by my loving strength) a
them until they understood that this spanking provides a wonderful re-
simply was not going to work for us, lease and a feeling of being well-
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loved and well-taken-care-of. When Similarly, M and I enjoy a relation-
I fail in some way towards her (say, ship that allows us to follow our
when I am inadvertently inconsider- truest natures, meets our needs and
ate or disrespectful to her) I take fulfills and satisfies our desires. It is
myself in hand not through punish- a relationship that strengthens both
ment, but by offering a formal and of us and allows both of us to grow
sincere apology immediately and and to experience great joy in our
making some kind of practical lives. And should our relationship
amends as soon as possible. Being fail to meet the criteria that either
the dominant partner, I choose the the politically correct or the moralis-
kind of amends to make—but I do tically conservative feel are neces-
so intuitively, based on the nature of sary to be “healthy” or “normal”...
my offense and what I believe M Well, then, in my humble opinion,
needs to know that I understand my that is simply an unforeseen but
failing and to reassure her of my much appreciated bonus. Offending
love and respect for her. the dogmatic and hypocritical sensi-
And so far, this appears to work bilities of those on both the Right
wonderfully well for us. We have a and the Left—and tweaking those
relationship which is founded on a who refuse to be honest, even with
fundamental basis of equality—the their own selves, in the pursuit of
needs and desires of both partners conformity to whatever ideology—is
are held to be equally valuable and one of the smaller pleasures in life
equally worthy of cherishing and that every adult man and woman
respect. But we understand the val- should be able to enjoy.134
ue of the wisdom that “Equal does
not mean the same.” Just as any par- “WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE MAN? FREEDOM!”
ent worthy of their children loves all (10 JANUARY 2004)
of them equally and unconditional-
ly, but would never force their book- In the modern Western world,
ishly inclined son to compete for the many men feel shackled and blocked
soccer team, nor force their athleti- by society's dictates and the double
cally-gifted daughter to take extra- standards they have to adhere to
credit classes in ancient Greek. They where women are concerned.
will, and should, encourage the In your average relationship in
bookish son to take some form of which all decisions must be mutual,
exercise and the athletic daughter to the man's freedom is limited: he
complete her studies as well as she is can't express his natural assertive-
reasonably able. But they under- ness and dominance without attract-
stand that true healthy balance for ing his partner's ire. Men in ordinary
each child as an individual is not a modern relationships constantly
zero-sum game—providing precise- come up against limits, boundaries,
ly the same amount of each kind of and constraints. The kind of rela-
activity for each child, regardless of tionship discussed on Taken In
that child's natural inclinations, is
simply not good parenting.
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Hand sweeps all that away, freeing accepting and appreciating me for
the man to act as he sees fit. the man that I am, for being a man,
Being in this kind of relationship giving me the freedom to make the
makes me feel free. Because my de- decisions I want to make.
cisions go, I have the power to direct That J trusts me with this level of
events, something I find liberating. I decision-making makes me feel fan-
believe that most men who live in tastic. I feel a sense of gratitude for
the modern world in a “normal” this level of trust. Other men are
relationship would find this freeing. shackled and constrained by their
Going from ordinary relationships to partners' demands; I am truly free. I
a relationship in which you are have a woman whose trust in me
the head of the household and your and belief in me is absolute. I have a
partner is submissive to you is the woman who loves me enough to
most incredibly liberating, freeing have set me free.
experience a man can have. It makes What more could any man ask
me feel King of the World. for?135
Being able to express my asser-
tiveness instead of keeping it firmly “JOURNEY INTO TRUE SUBMISSION” (12
in check in accordance with modern JANUARY 2004)
women's demands makes me feel
fully alive and free for the first time, I remember when we first began
as though I have arrived as a real the spanking. I was uncomfortable
man—powerful, effective in the with the whole ball of wax in some
world, and a success. ways, but had already agreed to it
When you have the freedom to and so continued with it until I felt
make all the decisions affecting your that we gave it a good attempt. I
life, you feel free to pursue your recall the first time and how much it
goals, you feel effective, you feel that hurt. I had never been spanked ever,
nobody is holding you back, stop- and this was not what I had had in
ping you get where you want to be. mind. I suppose I liked the concept
With all the above said, what re- and I the sensed that this could be a
mains is perhaps the finest part of way to take the more wild and spir-
all—you feel appreciated and loved ited me to a place that was saner. I
by the woman. You feel accepted felt that then maybe my relationship
and in control. Lady readers: don't would have a real chance at work-
underestimate the importance of ing. I really wanted to be a more
making a man feel accepted and loving, submissive, caring and trust-
appreciated. If you want your part- ing partner—not one to constantly
ner to change, you're not accepting fight for rights. Half the time, I do
him for what he is. When my girl- not even know for sure what rights I
friend J looked me in the eye and was fighting so hard to keep. All I
agreed to obey my decisions, I felt was sure about was that I wanted
ten feet tall. I felt deeply peaceful, them and wanted them with pas-
with something of a high. For the sion! I kept myself from being close
first time in my life, someone was
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
and protected myself by repeating in was coming, there was little excuse
my head statements like, “I will not to hold onto it. And since we both
be taken”, and the statements were knew that and had been over it and
working... I was far from feeling over it many times already, (I tend
close in the relationship. And this to be a slow learner unfortunately),
was difficult to understand, felt very the spankings became increasingly
uncomfortable, and I felt insecure painful as the offense was or should
and took it out in some wild ways. have been more avoidable. So then,
So.... I fought the pain and the as a bigger offense, the punishment
“corner time” (which was mostly was harsher; however, there was a
time I needed to spend in “the posi- good note too! The offense hap-
tion” prior to and after the spank- pened a lot less often as I grew in
ings... not every time, just the times self-control and self-discipline, and
he felt I needed it. I eventually we naturally became closer. I wish I
learned inside and out that I was not could say it is not a problem any
going to win the fight against either more, but from time to time, life gets
the spankings or the time out if it busy and I get into a “frame” and
was ordered. It was when I let go of forget. Reminders are always there
the fighting and learned to listen for me though.
more and reflect that I grew leaps I think that sometimes we tend to
and bounds as a person and our think of “just us” way too much and
relationship began to heal. protect ourselves for reasons that are
The self discovery was wild and I not even really there. I mean in some
learned things about myself I would strange way, I had a bad habit of
never admit were a part of me in a first looking at others when things
million years of fighting and attack- went wrong or even when I blew it.
ing and being miserable. I learned They made me, they are doing what
for, example, that I had a big pride they are doing because they just
issue. That fact I did not even wish want to look right all the time, I can-
to consider. But I really was prideful not allow anything above spankings
and learned to see it in me and in our contract because I am not
watch it coming too. I learned of the comfortable with them.
destruction that this attitude Take the issue of time outs. That's
brought and could bring in the fu- something I did not enjoy at all ei-
ture and adjusted to that hard set of ther. My corner time isn't always
facts. called-for or used, and if it is, it's
As time passed, when I saw and mostly being on the bed in “the posi-
felt pride and it is ugly self-rising, I tion” prior to being spanked for a bit
was actually able to head it off by and then for a good while from time
dealing with it before I blew it all the to time after I had been spanked.
way to the point of being spanked. Just there and in position, embar-
(Yeah!) Then, pride and inability to rassing or maddening at the start—I
control it before it got out of hand was there exposed and feeling
became a major offense. After I pissed off that I was right and he
learned it well enough to see it as it
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was wrong and did this because he tokens of movement. She knows in
is mean and blah blah blah blah... her heart she is just telling them
But in either of those attitudes, we what information will make her look
were not getting anywhere and if I the most dedicated and full of what
had taken the stance that I would it takes to keep on the top. She also
permit spankings with conditions on knows that her heart is not in the
the time out or other conditions it work or the real attachments with
would be double a waste of time and people. She knows all that and even
just the act of playing like we were if no one else did, she did. And how
in this for our relationship and hap- can she ever feel like her popularity
piness. And it is a waste. is being measured for who she is
How dishonest it is to say “yes, I and not for what she is faking? She
will submit to spankings when you has her limits and makes them
call for them, but, you may not ask known to all, but that seems reason-
me to submit if you use a paddle or able for her to do since she is so ded-
you do it when I am wet or if you icated to the program. But she is not
give me time out, I won't agree to and her heart isn't there and she is
any of those.” So where is the trust faking it for appearances and to
there? Where is your stopping in the keep what she wants to keep and
control and the distrust and how who she wants to keep, making sure
much will your partner feel he has in they have just enough to make them
this deal. You don't trust him to do love her, but not enough to form
what he feels is right; you will be honest and real and genuine rela-
submissive up to a point and not tionships with anyone.
any further, and you will get to ar- You cannot do that when you are
gue about anything at any time and faking what you are doing and pre-
even in the midst of the spanking. tending to be compliant with a per-
It's like a snooty image or mean hard son you are not even interested in
as* image that may be seen as a being. Not only is it dishonest, but
touch of bullsh*t coming out of the also in a way, it is using others for
mouth. your own benefit, and fooling them
Like the snob in a typical high into a false love, leaving you lonely
school, a girl must always keep up and later bitter.
her popular stance and her good So you put restrictions and guide-
image and protect her place at lines on your partner and, whether
school... but the problem is she just you know it or not, you are showing
doesn't have her heart in the work, you do not trust him or his choices
she just wants the benefits to appear for you. You are saying, “Yes, I will
and be there... with no pain or strain. be submissive” when you are not
And so when things begin to look being submissive at all. Your ac-
badly or hopeless—she comes up tions, rules, boundaries, and stipula-
with a plan to tell her peers or par- tions are making it more of a show.
ents or teachers exactly what they A play to make your partner and
want to hear and then back those maybe others think you are submis-
phony words up with a few small sive and willing to really work on
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
your relationship and trust and let- totally and learning to trust and be-
ting go of all your control for the ing truly submissive is the only way
relationship and for your own per- it will work and the only way you
sonal growth. It is not a sacrifice; it is can achieve that feeling of freedom
more a game you play. It is not real. and deeper connection and love....
This is not to say that we should and a way to happiness. It was not
give up our lives, lay down all our until I gave up all the fighting and
free will and personality to our rebellion that put me against him in
partner, and lose who we are for an ever lasting game of who is right
good. It just seems like it, especially and who is wrong; what I needed
at the beginning. You feel that you and what I did not deserved, that I
must remain in some sort of control was able to see real growth in all of
over this whole situation and in real- it. Once I surrendered my rebellious
ity; you are putting yourself on one spirit and fighting and just submit-
side of the relationship and your ted fully, I felt incredibly light inside
partner on the opposing side. It be- and out, really, a good feeling. And
comes more a power struggle it was in those time outs, I was able
against an enemy than a partnership to really listen and take what I heard
of two people working toward one to heart.
goal as a team. It was tough, I will not lie. I was
Fighting the concept cannot work way gone, damaged by some incred-
if you go into a situation, or even a ibly abusive situations in my life
spanking in itself, thinking of what beginning with 24/7 drunk parents
you are losing and how the other is who would exceptionally mean and
taking from you. Then you are two abusive in the mental and emotional
and you are not working together areas. They make it clear kids were
and you are in fact an enemy of sorts to be seen only on occasion and rare-
working to see who will win and ly heard. That kids were second
who will be right and who makes class and could be pushed and hit
the big sacrifices and who uses the and yelled at and put down ... and
other... yucky. told they were not wanted.
When you do make that effort to Through a good deal of that and
work together honestly and in the more, I found it very hard to enter
direction of a partnership, you can- into a relationship where I needed to
not simply submit to a spanking and give up all the protections that I had
then lay there, dwelling on who is at learned in life and submit to some-
fault and who is right. You being to one else for my own good. I felt
learn even if bit by bit, that the squished in life and did not like the
spanking is not an act for you to get feeling of giving up all of my control
over quickly and easily so that you and my self-protection tools. And I
can just move on in your activities of really did not like being spanked
the day. You really will begin to see firmly by someone I thought was
how the submission is a freeing and more often that not the reason our
a gain for you personally and in relationship was in trouble in the
your relationship both. Letting go first place. And what is interesting
219
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
is, as it turns out, I was really in the up and run and somehow escape
wrong most of the time. I believed this pain and thought “how can I do
that his spanking was often a way this and accept it and allow it, it's
for him to cover up his own guilt painful... and about the corner time
and not face his errors—and take the and the being still, right! I wanted a
focus off of himself and make it rescue, I wanted anything that
mine (again). You know it is incred- would kill this commitment and
ible, all those things we think and contract I had gotten myself in....
feel and come to “know” during the and it was he vs. me...
height of an emotional whirlwind, I am glad I stuck it out. My plan
embarrassing too in the end, when was that for a good four months or
we are calm and we know... so, I would go along with this
I was really against the concept of spanking thing. I knew it was pain-
thinking of my partner more. I felt ful, but four month or so was not too
strongly that it was a first step in a long and it would show him that I
direction that would make it so I lost gave it a shot, a good show of sorts. I
the only few parts of me that I felt I could surely maintain a look of
owned. It was way too much just submission and keep my partner
thinking about being in a place that around while waiting a decent
spanking and submitting was com- amount of time to call an end to the
pletely in the hands of my partner. whole spanking phase. I would an-
Living as if he was the “one” final nounce that they did not in fact help
word, the right word, the person in and that an end to them was best for
my life to behave for and be in my us both.
mind a slave to, was overwhelming. In time, I began to let go of all that
I hated the corner time too; it was baggage, be still, and really listen to
humbling for sure... embarrassing my partner's logic and his observa-
too... but in that, where is the trust tions and such. When I saw
and where is the “oneness” in feel- firsthand that he really was acting
ing embarrassments? I finally think I on a consistent level with us, I could
broke my attitude and rebellion out really trust him, respect him and his
of pure exhaustion and a loss of will wishes, trust that when he spanked
to continue fighting a battle with my me, it was out of love for me, and
partner that I was not going to win respect for our relationship. He did
or come close to winning ... and I want healing and to be more part-
always had to win. ners and loving deeper and more
I was humbled ... in a way that I securely, and, seeing a real wanting
surrendered the games and power to heal us and stay together, I was
struggles and fighting just to go with really becoming secure for once in
the program so I could rest. After my life. I was happy and I knew a
that first spanking and the reality of world of new things about me.
that pain, I hated the whole pro- But a strange thing happened... It
gram. The fact was it hurt more than was in the process and the struggles
I would have wanted it to hurt and I created to hold on to my rights and
during the spanking I could not get me as a person in this world and my
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
equal place, (if not better than mere- wrong. Or perhaps you have felt
ly equal), that he was one that would never
I realized for real that it really was admit to being wrong it his very life
more of an “us” thing. And as terri- depended on it. Maybe you felt he
bly hard as this concept was for me was one that must win in every ar-
to finally understand, (and it may be gument and all subjects and you
for you as well), with total submis- must concede to have peace. Or
sion to the spankings, you have no maybe you just have seen him as a
time or really no right to use that very wrong, misguided, mean per-
time to include your partner in the son. However, you have felt right in
picture. That time, your time to be a situation where you were to be
punished, is spent on focusing on spanked does not really matter at all.
just you, your reactions and your To come to that and to think of only
errors. You have a lot to do and feel your own involvement, your own
during this time too. The spanking, issues and your own reactions to the
the really listening to what your situation and not consider or give
partner is saying without looking at thought to his role in the situation or
his part at all, time out to really matter... right or wrong role, is the
think about who and what we are as place you should set some goals to
individuals and time to look at our achieve. That is especially true dur-
own self as a source of friction. And ing a spanking or time out when we
in that time, we simply have no are required to concentrate on us. If
room and should not at all look to you hear nothing else in any of the
our partner as wrong in any way, things that I have said, believe me
even if you think he is 110% wrong. when I say that in the time you are
Because it does not matter if being disciplined, it is not a good
it was he who started the problems. time to debate his wrongness at all
It does not matter if “He Made You” anyway... It is not the time to bring
do what you knew was wrong or up past or future anything, but cer-
say what you should not have. If tainly not the time to continue the
you can really and honestly not look argument that got you to where you
to your partner as wrong or a part of are now, with your rear exposed and
the problem during the time that facing a spanking. Trust me, it is not
you are both working on you, and right in any sense.
you are being punished, then you Where, in all honesty, is the trust,
will see immediate changes. You and where is the submission in the
will immediately begin to grow spanking relationship, if you are
leaps and bounds and really see thinking of how wrong it is you are
inside yourself, it is awesome. in that place and how much your
Rather than to see my partner as a partner is doing you wrong and is
“wrong, do not look at him in the doing the act so he can feel right...?
entire matter. You must have Where is the submission if you are
thought at one time or many that he not free from looking at the motives
was stubborn, a brute or mean dicta- and heart of your partner? Are we
tor who never saw himself as being not then doing exactly what we are
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feeling they are doing? Are we just could contribute to unhappiness
accusing them of just making us between you. In this journey, your
guilty and not even looking at them- partner is acting in a way that is
selves, as if we are at that very mo- more than likely a focused one, not
ment? Only we cannot see it because one led by emotions and all those
we just see them. And the spankings chemical reactions we have.... and
will not work nor will the time out if the goal is for you both to be all you
we cannot get past that. can possibly be on your journey.
If you cannot submit with honest When you are free to trust, free to
trust that you actually could be give your whole self to this, open to
crazed and not see it in yourself and the concept and all the details which
that no matter what he is doing, you can include time out.... and just let
are in a situation where you are to go of all that garbage. Do not enter
look inside yourself and give your in and say to yourself that you are
partner the trust that makes it work. giving up “as much as you can give
And when your mind drifts into up right now” because that is not
your partner's actions at a time of only a cop-out, it's not honest, it's
reflection, or even while being only a show, it's not giving, it's not
spanked, try to feel and see and trusting in your partner it's just
know in your heart that you need to wrong.
let go of your defenses and your If you are dictating all the rules,
blame and your side-taking for long you will and will not obey, why
enough to accept what you are going even bother with spanking as a cou-
though. It really helps to see your ple? If you can only commit to the
partner as a part of you and not the act of spanking and then moving on
“other side” or the enemy side. See- with a clean slate having leaned
ing him as a loving partner, a close nothing more than survival of a bad
friend and a concerned man who yet quick spanking and do so with
cares for you a lot makes a huge no reflection or effort.... you are only
difference. Just thinking about that hurting your rear end and going
concept should move you. He is through pain for nothing. So, you
working WITH you so that you can have a sore bum for a while? So?
be free and happy and the two of You did not give up or give in to
you can grow! You are a “team of that silly submission thing and the
one” with one goal... I understand whole time you were over his knee
that it may be your own bottom, but you were thinking what a jerk he is
believe me, it is both of you together for trying to dodge his part in the
working on the good. thing and how much you want to
I believe that when you see things bite his knee. There is nothing at all
in perspective, for one, it gets easier therapeutic in that, nothing healing
to find that place... and when you and nothing of value unless you
look at your partner as part of the enjoy pretense. That just makes you
team to make you and him incredi- be a part of a pretend relationship
bly happy, you are even willing to like a painful role-play in a porn
see what it is that is in you that movie about the entire spanking
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thing. There is no heart, no soul, no that our emotions led us down the
reflection and no growth in the act at wrong path. We can (and a lot of the
all. And then to top it off, you have a time are) be led by the irrational part
frustrated partner who thinks he is of our brain when in heated mo-
not effective and wants to stop the ments. And what your brain says,
whole act. Then the act will slow and where it's getting it is notions,
down and soon after, your contract may be doing you a disfavor by tell-
is ended. ing you that you should strut. Better
What kind of relationship is it to calm down and wait until the
when you are in the face of a loved logic side of your mind kicks in.
one and say that you are one to “just And then we find out later, emo-
give what you feel like giving”.... tional knowledge of a heated mo-
What does it say about your rela- ment or disagreement does not logic
tionship when you are just consider- make! When we are so far gone and
ing your own plight and at the same see no way at all that our partner
time, downing someone else for could possibly be right in their
your own gain, your own self fueled thinking and we know inside and
champagne, sort of like a politician out that we are the “ones”. And then
would do, only you two are to be as we throw our justified fits or do the
one. drama thing... it can be a comfort to
Search yourself if you can and re- have that much needed shock
ally be honest about this; is it a spanking to create a bit more reality
commitment or a show? for you again. And there is nothing
This is not to say that there is no like it, the power of a firm and de-
fault in our partners. But if you real- liberate spanking! Then after the
ly think about it, we woman tend to spanking, we have time to process it
get out of control, filled with an ex- all. Time to really think about the
cess of moods and feelings that get discipline and the situation and
so filled with energy, we cannot steps leading to the place you find
handle them. Men are not so much yourself in now. It is a great time to
like us in that regard. They can live a look at our own responsibilities, our
lifetime without feeling over- own out of control emotional bit and
whelmed with emotional energy to maybe see we were acting out a bit
the point of being sick. It is as if we too rash, too wild, over-doing it to
are in a denial and cannot see that it the extreme. Maybe we can see that
is our emotions driving us to be and we were actually sacrificing our lov-
act insane. We act out of the emo- ing relationship for a moment of
tions of the moment and that makes pride or “being right” and dancing
it difficult to see clearly see the truth our righteous dance.
of any given situation. With this If you have a deep love and trust
highly emotional moment, “know- for your partner; you express it to
ing” we are right, and we should him; you have built up a good
win and have rights to even strut out amount of restraint; have the ability
our righteous selves, we may not to and do consider your own role in
even see clearly enough to know your relationship; have a degree of
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self discipline; and the courage to more. And that peace begins to give
face things in yourself that we may you and your partner the closeness
not have wanted to face and then and the real love, the deep stuff, you
can share all that with your partner, have always looked for.
you should not feel embarrassment. And although it goes against your
If you think about it, how close, grain and what you know in life to
tight-knit, and loving is a relation- be your defenses and although it is
ship where you are embarrassed in all way hard and physically painful
front of a partner who sees you as or embarrassing at times in the be-
the one he loves and the one he ginning, there is one thing that you
treasures. What benefit is keeping need to know and remember
that hold on certain aspects of your- throughout your journey, (it saves
self you want hidden so badly? time and speeds things up a little).
What part of the “you” that is in you And that is:
that you feel so compelled to hide Hurting only makes us grow—and the
from your partner, your team mem- hurting inside and out that you feel
ber making one? What is holding now, is the first step of being real.
back anyway, if not just for deceiv- No pain, no sacrifice. No sacrifice
ing you and your partner? and no pain, no real gains. And it
It is for those reasons and many will never be real. If you can't under-
more that I can say without a doubt stand the concept or sort though my
that spanking and time out when mess of ramblings, try this: Go to the
needed is a value, a tool and a many library or bookstore and check out
times needed act of love. (If you are or buy the Velveteen Rabbit and
honest with yourselves, ladies, you read it slowly and mindfully and
will know this in your heart).... We then read it again. The concept is
really do not have to fake a contract right in this book written for chil-
nor go just half way to submission dren...
and trust with our partner. We can You may know the story, but if
make our way to let all the defenses you were young when you read it
go and take our walls down. We can and living the kid's life, you may not
end the fake “half way” submissions “know” the story well enough to
for good... And even though the understand. But be assured, if you
actually wall tearing is unpleasant, give yourself some time out and in
and you will have to do the tearing that and in that time read the book...
yourself, you will find it very worth you will see that the concept is in
it. The bonus is that once you begin there, you will. I am confident about
all of this, it goes fast. And when at least that much. Maybe that is all I
you begin to feel that power submis- am super confident about, because
sion and letting go can bring and we are all so different and unique
have the trust in your partner that with different needs and situations...
you want, all in honesty... you will but the book tells about real... and
begin to see yourself fully. You will does well doing it, and is simplistic
love the feeling to such a degree that and easy to read, unlike me who
you go out of your way to find
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needs to over explain to the point of more happy than ever? Do you real-
confusion... sorry. ly want your relationship to grow
All of this is in my own humble and get better or stay the way it has
opinion and not a final word on the always been year after year? Or
whole idea of spanking... maybe I worse, do you really want to risk it
am off base, but I feel good inside so all and possibly reach a place where
I cannot be too far off. I hope that I you are too far-gone to heal and
have not come off as some authority have gone to far for that to happen?
or wacko or preacher, or anything Finally, do you trust or do you just
other than a rambling person who want to show your partner that you
cares for you all and your personal are trying and sacrificing when in
journey in life. I merely wanted to reality, you are not even close?
share this because I believe that the Spanking is not a tool to be used by
time out, when ordered, is part of one side or the other. There are not
the package. The package that is of sides here to take. You are a team,
some sacrifice and loss of a bit of both dedicated to the relationship
your will is the one you take. Noth- and your love. The spanking is not a
ing good came from nothing and no dominant power thing that is used
greatness can come from token con- to show you who is the boss, it's just
tracts and shows. one partner who helps the other—
If you can say “this is okay” and their better half... feel more secure,
then turn around and say “this part calm, safe, loved and a tool you can
of it is not okay” then are you not use to be a much more loving and
just suddenly dictating your own open and honest woman.... the
rules and playing a role that you spankings will get to be further
agreed was to be your partner's role? apart. They will still hurt, you may
Are you just trying to be in control feel anger and rage after one and
yet looking as if you were playing need to reflect or be spanked until
the part of a submissive partner? Is it you settle down and think it though
surrendering your wild and crazed logically and look inside yourself....
self and your insecurities and your Spankings and time out are not sup-
lack of real commitment to your posed to be fun or feel good. If they
partner when you dictate what you did, they would merely be erotic
want and what is easy? And do you play sessions with the two of you
trust him and is he trustworthy? acting out in an almost BDSM sort of
If he is trustworthy, what is your way.... and where is the growth in
pact for spanking in the first place? that?
Do you want the benefit without the I know this is long, and if you have
pain? The surrender with half the read this far I am truly amazed and
control? Do you want to be the lead- shocked and congratulate you on
er in it all? Do you truly want the your patience and preservation. God
relationship to work? Do you sin- bless the ones who take the time to
cerely want to see yourself as you hear me, I do know it's a suckie long
really are, good and bad and grow time and maybe turned out to be a
from that to be a better person and waste of your time, but know that I
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appreciate you hearing me out and cult to see clearly see the truth of
my ramblings... any given situation.
Hugs of health and happiness to
What nonsense! If there were any
you all...136
truth in this, how would all the wom-
en who, throughout history (and of-
“OUT OF CONTROL, INSANE, DRIVEN BY ten against overwhelming odds),
OUR EMOTIONS? NO WAY!” (13 JANUARY have managed to achieve great
things? And today, where the playing
2004) field has become somewhat more
equal, women are getting ever closer
Do we choose to be taken in to achieving their potential.
hand because we want to be, such as I am a strong, professional woman,
for the connectionor because the and am perfectly capable of running
whole idea is very erotic? Or is it my own life. I most certainly am not
that we women need to be controlled ruled by my emotions, nor am I ever
because we can't control ourselves? 'out of control'! As an 'alpha-female'
with certain submissive tendencies I
As a phlegmatic, competent, rational
have, out of my own free will, chosen
sort of person, I have always argued to defer to my dear husband. This
that this is something even the most does not mean that I am in any way
logical, sane woman can choose. If weaker than him. We are partners in
you have to be the sort of person life—but DD enhances our relation-
who can't function sensibly in the ship, draws us closer, enhances trust
world to be taken in hand, I don't and respect between us and generally
qualify! But that doesn't mean that I makes our life together run more
smoothly.
don't want to be taken in hand. I do!
This is how we chose to lead our
From what Nina says in this no- lives, but we would not presume to
nonsense comment, she feels the tell other couples that our way is the
same way: only way, or that our relationship is
based on woman's weakness or
Driven by emotions and insane??!!! 'insanity'. The idea that women have
to be controlled by their menfolk be-
The following jumped out at me: cause they, poor things, are 'too
emotional' or 'out of control' is just
...we woman tend to get out of too ludicrous. And I can't imagine
control, filled with an excess of any sane man wanting to put up with
moods and feelings that get so such nonsense...137
filled with energy, we cannot
handle them. Men are not so
much like us in that regard. They
“A NEW JOURNEY” (14 JANUARY 2004)
can live a lifetime without feeling
overwhelmed with emotional en- We're Sam and Missy. We have
ergy to the point of being sick. It been married for 23 years and have
is as if we are in a denial and had a good marriage, one that we
cannot see that it is our emotions have both worked at maintaining.
driving us to be and act insane. But Sam always had an empty feel-
We act out of the emotions of the ing that something was missing both
moment and that makes it diffi-
within himself and in the marriage.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Missy was certainly a pleaser, and came the key: in response to a ques-
attentive to Sam's needs, and Sam, tion by a new member of the group
the ex-Military Officer, MBA, and seeking information, one of the
owner of his successful company, women writers referenced the Taken
has always been a take-charge guy. In Hand web site. I immediately
He led and she followed. It worked. jumped to this site and knew that I
Sounds like a pretty good ar- had found the Motherlode. It was a
rangement. So what was missing? goldmine of information.
Well, here is Sam's account of the I read the articles and the com-
series of events: ments and I found me (my feelings,
For months I have been looking for desire for intimacy, desire to teach
a part of me that was and has been and instruct, etc.) embedded in the
totally unfulfilled, not knowing writings of some of the people who
what it was. It was certainly sexually posted to the site. I was excited. I
linked, but I couldn't find the source found that the source of my frustra-
of the emptiness and frustration. I tion was that I was naturally domi-
explored all types of web sites, nant (not a sadist, not one who looks
sometimes getting entangled in to beat his wife—I am very gentle
porn, which only led to more frus- with her and naturally protective of
tration and emptiness. How empty I her and wouldn't do anything to
felt. damage her—but make no mistake, I
In continuing my search, I stum- was clearly identified as dominant).
bled across the term, “Domestic Dis- Once I digested this discovery and
cipline.”Again, in searching using its impact on me, I explored each
this term, I came across a whole article that I could consume. Then I
bunch of porn sites with models found the source of my emptiness.
blistering each other, adding to my After reading some of the articles, I
frustration. This wasn't it. But, then I longed for the relationship and inti-
came across a chat group which I macy that many of the writers—men
monitored. These were real people and women—described. I read the
dealing with real issues and incor- frustration of some of the women
porating domestic discipline into who longed for a man like me who
their lives. Yes! This hit home. I would guide them with a firm, lov-
wasn't sure why, but I knew that I ing hand. Someone who
was on the right path to identify the would cherish his wife for who she
root cause of the missing link(s). was, yet discipline her and watch
Now that I was in the ballpark, I her grow so that she would become
needed to find resources to get to the even more cherished in his life. I
bottom of this issue. I read and read wouldn't be considered a pervert
the posts in the chat group, and had because I could see that my person-
to filter through and discard a lot of ality was exactly what the women in
fantasy junk that people had written the articles kept describing. What a
in. But in my exploration I was able relief! What a discovery! I now knew
to get a feel for how the real couples that what was missing in me and
were working together. Well, then our lives was that my need
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to discipline in an intimate relation- after he let it fly, but when he woke
ship was totally unfulfilled. up the next morning, he knew that
But then came a new prob- he had taken an enormous risk and
lem. How do I reveal this to Missy? left himself totally exposed. That's
How do I communicate to her this how I felt.
emptiness in me and in our relation- In the dark, at 5AM on Saturday I
ship? How do I bring her into this wrote and sent the email letter. She
thought process and not scare her? got out of bed around an hour later.
Even though we had used mild erot- All through the morning after she
ic spanking in our lovemaking and had gotten up, I kept waiting and
we had both enjoyed that, I was very waiting for Missy to check her email.
fearful in discussing my dominant She normally does this a few times a
nature, domestic discipline, and day and almost certainly does it in
everything that went with it. I was the morning. Well, this Saturday,
concerned that she would feel pres- she seemed to take forever to check
sured into a lifestyle that she was the mail. It was torture!
uncomfortable with, which would Then it happened. In the late after-
create discord in our marriage. Re- noon (finally!), while I was watching
member, she's a great gal, and we a ball game on TV, she went into the
have a solid marriage. I thought, study and stayed there for some
“Hey stupid, if it ain't broke, don't time—a fairly long time. I tried to
fix it!” But, then I thought about keep my mind on the game, but it
how we often settle for so much less was tough. I kept waiting for her to
in life just to be safe. come out in tears, or with divorce
Well, no guts, no glory. No risk, no papers in hand, or an angry expres-
return. No leadership, no results. sion in her eyes. Finally, she came
Here goes... out. We talked.
I wrote an email love letter to her, To my surprise, she wasn't
describing to her what I had found shocked. She told me that she was
out about myself and what I desired somewhat confused, not under-
from our relationship. In the letter, I standing all of what I was trying to
outlined domestic discipline, as best tell her in the letter or what she had
I could. I also gave her a link to two read on the web site. So, with a knot
articles that I had picked out from in my stomach, I explained what I
Taken In Hand, and asked that she had researched and what I had
read them with an open mind. found. More than that, I asked her if
After I'd sent it, I felt a huge sense she would be willing to explore this
of relief—for a while. Then, I started with me. To her great credit, she said
to feel like Tom Cruise in Jerry that while she could understand
McGuire, where he developed this how I, the husband, would benefit
concept for dealing with clients in a from this due to my dominant na-
fair and honest way (this, in a cut- ture, she couldn't understand how
throat industry), and late at night, he the wife would benefit. But, she was
distributed it to his peers to be read willing to go forward—for me!
the next morning. It all seemed right
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Because your site is so tastefully to make decisions for us that would
done (my congratulations and deep- impact the intimacy of our marriage.
est thanks), I was able to direct her Now, my head was reeling from the
to begin reading more of the articles. incredible series of events that had
If this were a porn site, it just taken place in such a short time. She
wouldn't have worked for us. has given me the freedom to be me,
Remember, this conversation start- to be fulfilled, while bearing the
ed on a Saturday afternoon. By Sat- responsibility of guiding her to be
urday night, after reading and con- fulfilled in her role as a woman and
suming a number of articles—she wife.
must have spent three hours on your We've started this new journey to-
site—she had developed a very good gether. We know that it may be dif-
understanding as to how much of an ficult. She has had numerous reas-
impact this could make in her per- surance spankings and only one
sonal growth—something that she discipline spanking. But, the benefits
had not seen just a few hours before are already starting to flow. She has
that. become so confident, so self-assured
After talking about her (our) dis- that it is amazing to watch. While I
covery well into the evening, we have given her a simple set of rules
went to bed, and had an intense to start working on, she has devel-
lovemaking experience. Sunday oped goals that she wants accom-
morning, she told me that she had plished and is organizing herself to
had a rather restless night while achieve these goals. The intimacy
the domestic discipline possibilities level in our marriage is off the scale
raced through her head. On the way and has broken all previous highs.
back from church, Missy revealed to Where has domestic discipline
me that she would welcome my been all our married life? If only we
guidance and that she would like to had found it sooner. But, our new
recommend that she be given both journey has begun. We are excit-
“reassurance spankings” as well as ed!138
“discipline spankings” (something
that she learned from one of the arti- “HAPPILY MARRIED TO A DOMINANT MAN”
cles that she read). She went on to (15 JANUARY 2004)
describe the tremendous benefit that
she could see from domestic disci- I'm 43 and my husband is 45. We
pline for her and how our marriage have been married many years and
would be enhanced in such an inti- have been negotiating a D/s rela-
mate way. tionship for a few years. At first I
I was shocked at her level of un- wrote “have a D/s relationship” but
derstanding in such a short time. that's not accurate. You have a donut
What took me months to discover, but you negotiate the currents in a
she had a handle on in hours. Pretty river.
sharp little lady, huh? I adopted a submissive role in our
Missy told me that she would marriage early on and my husband
submit to me, unconditionally. I was
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slid into the role of dominant. It was The few serious spankings I've re-
a natural thing, just the way we ceived were delivered at lightening
were together and not something we speed with no ritual whatsoever.
put any thought into. This was be- They generally are just enough to
fore I had heard of D/s or the inter- get my attention and relieve his frus-
net. tration. We play a whole lot harder
Then we were online and I learned than that and have a collection of
about the different ways people implements and stuff.
have of being together. My own He has threatened to take a strap
wants and needs, most of which are to my hands as punishment. :0 Hap-
out of fashion at best and downright pily he has never done it because the
offensive to some at worst, started to thought scares the heck out of me.
make sense to me. At first I was very I am very sensitive to his displeas-
excited and tried to push us both ure and hate being lectured. Most
into a more pronounced D/s rela- consequences I suffer are not appeal-
tionship that included domestic dis- ing in any way. If I spend too much
cipline. Big mistake. Slower is better on a credit card, he cuts up the card
and as we relaxed and just played into little pieces. If I am cranky from
with it, we gradually shifted toward lack of sleep, I get put to bed very
more defined roles. The more he and early for the next couple nights. If I
I talked about it, the more aware we know he's unhappy with me, I try to
became that our relationship had hide in the basement and hope he
always been D/s flavored and just forgets about it. Not that he ever
built on that. does.
It works well for us. He likes being I'm happiest when he is happy (is-
head of the household and he is n't that co-dependence?) so that's
good at it. Whereas he is responsible what I shoot for, and I do pretty well
almost to a fault, I tend to be flighty most of the time. He's easy to get
and not take things seriously, so we along with anyway and has a good
balance each other out. I just re- sense of humor.
membered while writing this that I That's us in a nutshell.139
backed into the fence of the neighbor
behind us yesterday and broke one “RESOLVING AN INTERNAL CONFLICT” (16
of the boards. I forgot to mention it JANUARY 2004)
to my neighbor or my husband.
That's typical for me but he would In his article, “On being the head
never forget something like that. :) of the household,” Bill states, “Socie-
We don't do a lot of disciplinary ty told her that no woman should
spanking. I get a few swats every ever be truly submissive to her
night when he puts me to bed but man.” I completely agree that a
they are affectionate and indulgent woman should have the opportunity
in nature. If I do something he really to be as equal to or as independent
loves, he'll haul off and really smack of a man as she wants to be, and I'd
me hard, lol. be the first to support her in that.

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But as Bill suggests, what we are There's an inner need for me to be
told is opportunity feels like heavy dominant within my relationship—
societal expectations. In many in- not domineering—dominant. Yet for
stances real harm is done in trying to 16 years I was in a marriage where
conform to these expectations that spanking was not an option. Okay, I
shouldn't exist in the first place. can live with that—or so I thought.
How many hundreds of thousands After all, my desire to spank my
of people—perhaps millions—are wife is considered wrong anyway,
miserable because they feel com- right? I was telling myself, “she's
pelled to live in a “normal” relation- normal and I'm perverted, so get
ship (normal by society's standards, over it.” (It's funny how we accept
but suppressing what would feel certain things at that age.) But I
normal and natural to them as indi- found that the longer I was denied
viduals) simply because to live oth- this special and loving form of
erwise is considered unacceptable? communication, the stronger the
Even more sad, consider those in the need grew. I will say, however, that
situation as I just described but who though spanking was not an integral
don't know why they are unhappy. part of our relationship, I was able to
Now let's take the sum of those peo- express my dominant side to some
ple and multiply that number by 2, degree. And even though the mar-
3, 4 or more. If just one of the per- riage ended in a divorce, during
sons in a relationship is miserable, those years I was able to help my
it's pretty safe to say that this frus- wife to become more strong and self-
tration will spill over to their partner reliant. That was a wonderful feel-
too. If children are involved, how ing.
happy will they be with two discon- It's interesting how the conclusion
tented parents? That's a heck of a lot of one turn of events leads to anoth-
of unhappy people walking around er. Living the rest of my life alone
in this world simply because we does not sound particularly appeal-
place unfair expectations on our- ing, but then neither does entering
selves. into a relationship in which I am not
If I seem overly passionate about the head of the household.
this, I apologize. Like so many oth- I turned to browsing the spank-
ers out there, I was one of those who ing personal ads and began a corre-
had an inner need to change the way spondence with a woman who, from
I was living, and I know how frus- what I can determine thus far, is
trating and confusing this all can be. looking for the exact same thing. She
It's natural for us to want to do what mentioned this website to me so I
is right in the eyes of our fellow decided to take a look. Taken In
man, but in doing so we can create Hand has not changed the desires
our own internal conflicts. It would I've had for so many years, but it has
be nice if we were not put in the certainly validated them.
position of having to choose be- Please don't get me wrong, I am
tween the two. not placing blame on society for my
past decisions or my stupid rational-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ization. I'm simply saying that it's a think of, but she just gets irritated
shame that we so often suffer inter- and snaps at me.”—Simon
nal conflicts between our own per-
sonal preferences and the way we It is very common problem in
would like to be viewed. Life is bet- long-term conventional relationships
ter when people have the courage to for one partner to lose desire for the
be true to themselves instead of de- other. Men lose interest; women lose
ferring to what they think “society” interest. There is no gender divide
expects. In the words of Popeye, the here. There are many possible caus-
cartoon character: “I am what I es, but in many cases, the problem
am.”140 can be solved quite easily, so take
heart and read on! I am assuming
“HELP! THE ONE I LOVE NOWADAYS RARELY that in the past, the person you love
did love having sex with you, that
WANTS SEX!” (19 JANUARY 2004) you have a reasonably good rela-
tionship otherwise, and that there
“Help! I've been with my husband
for 5 years, and we have a great mar- are no other problems such as a lack
riage in most respects, except in one of self-confidence on the part of the
area: sex! When we first met, he other person, etc. If the reason your
couldn't keep his hands off me, and wife has gone off sex is that you do
we were at it morning, noon and not find her attractive or you have
night. But now if we do it once a taken to spending hours on the in-
week, I'm lucky. My husband's inter- ternet looking at porn, then the
est in sex hasn't just diminished, it's
problem is a very different one, and
died a death. I'm crawling up the
walls here! I'm a normal red-blooded is not likely to be solved by the sim-
woman who needs sex at least three ple measure I am suggesting here.
times a day (OK, OK, at least twice a
week) to feel sane. I love him to bits Feeling pressured kills desire
and I can tell that he really loves me You may be at a loss to know what
too, so how come he seems to have caused the problem. Perhaps it start-
lost interest? It really hurts when he's ed one day when your husband,
not interested. I've tried seducing who was a bit tired after a spectacu-
him, dressing sexily for him, date
larly bad day at work, did not feel
nights, a sex contract (hey, don't
blame me, it's what a counsellor rec- up to a wild night of passion, and
ommended!), surprising him with a you were slightly insensitive to this,
candle-lit bath with rose petals and or you became a little anxious that
scented bath oil etc., etc., and nothing he did not respond as you hoped he
has worked.”—Mandy would. It might have started any
number of ways, but however it
“Can you advise me what a man started, one thing that is guaranteed
can do to rekindle the fires of ro-
to exacerbate it and prolong the
mance in his wife after 19 years of
marriage? For the last 11 of those problem is pressure.
years, we've had sex maybe 30 times One of the reasons being taken in
in total and I'm about ready to have hand can be so exciting is, paradoxi-
an affair. I've tried everything I can cally, that in eroticising control, it
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creates real desire and real consent. he shows signs of not wanting you,
It turns what could be off-putting, it is human to panic slightly, or to
unpleasant control into erotic indul- begin to feel a bit desperate for sex.
gence, pleasurable attention, posi- Your man then experiences your
tive engagement. It tends to elimi- panic or desperation as further pres-
nate unwanted pressure! So in the sure, and that puts him off even
long run, you might want to move to more... which makes you panic and
the kind of relationship we discuss feel even more desperate for sex...
on Taken In Hand. But if the person and so on, in a vicious circle.
you love is feeling put off because of The problem with this sort of vi-
pressure for sex, for some, it might cious circle, apart from the fact that
be wise to take the course of action you are “crawling up the walls”, is
detailed below first, to avoid coun- that once your man is feeling slight-
terproductively adding further un- ly pressured (for whatever reason),
desirable pressure. he is then going to be hypersensitive
When people feel pressured to to any further pressure, and worse,
have sex, it tends to put them right he is going to interpret even the
off. Unfortunately, in conventional most innocent questions, statements,
relationships it is all too easy to exert and actions on your part, as yet
pressure despite your best inten- more pressure.
tions. When you want sex, you hope You may think that snuggling up
your man wants it too, and if he against your wife in bed and thus
doesn't, if you are in a conventional making your desire for her, er, felt,
exclusive relationship, you are likely is just your way of letting her know
to feel a bit disappointed. Sensing you are, er, up for it. But if your wife
your disappointment, your man is already feeling under pressure
feels bad, because on the one hand, sexually, she will find this annoying,
he wants to make you happy, but on insensitive, pressuring (and not just
the other, now is really not a good literally!), and distressing. She is
time for him. He might even feel a more likely to be having dark
bit resentful that you seem insensi- thoughts about giving you a Bobbit
tive to his lack of desire at this mo- job than giving you a blow job.
ment. He feels a bit pressured. Your Similarly, you may think that
expectation is a little off-putting. when you answer the door to your
This leads to a slight dampening of husband naked and then lead him to
his sexual desire for you which, if your bedroom where you have wait-
you are lucky, will be rectified short- ing a bottle of Champagne and a
ly, but might be exacerbated by new sex toy (and not just one of the
more inadvertent pressure on your intimidating ones either), you are
part. giving him a nice surprise. But if he
It is not that you are a horrible per- is already feeling pressure to have
son: you are a human being with sex with you, or to have it more of-
human wishes and desires and, per- ten, not only is he likely not to re-
haps, insecurities. You want the per- spond positively, he is likely to feel
son you love to want you, and when
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resentful you for putting him under —spring romantic surprises on
pressure in this way. If the other him
person reacts irritably to anything —masturbate in his presence
which might possibly be perceived —threaten to see other people
to be pressure for sex, it is likely that —bring her flowers/chocolates to
pressure is at least part of the prob- soften her up
lem. —talk about past times when the
Even very subtle things can cause two of you were having lots of sex
problems. For example, if you have —be impatient
(whether by chance or design) a par- —try harder
ticular routine, ritual, or code associ- —try so hard to please that you
ated with having sex (e.g., when he appear desperate
has a shower before coming to bed, —force the issue
that means you will have sex; or
when she says, “The kids are asleep That is, don't do those things.
Don't even dress or undress in
but I'm not!”; or if you can set your
watch by the sexual routine you front of him. (I am not joking. This is
important!) Keep the bathroom door
have) this can, with a bit of bad luck,
turn into a pressuring expectationlocked when you use it, and start
wearing non-sexy pyjamas in bed.
that puts the other person off. And
unless you manage not to panic, Never be naked in his presence.
When you are feeling pressured for
your reaction to the other person's
sex, you can experience that as more
drop in interest is likely to exacer-
bate the situation. pressure.
Do be very friendly, attentive, lov-
Remove all pressure ing, happy, and fun in other ways.
Back off. Don't— You do not want to appear to have
lost interest more generally. This is
—have sex about removing pressure and any-
—ask for sex thing that might be seen as pressure,
—hint that you want sex not about playing games or making
—look the person doubt your love.
sad/upset/angry/sulky/disappoint Don't just try this for two weeks or
ed a month, think in terms of six
—make comments months, otherwise you will be inad-
—try to seduce him/her vertently exuding upsetness about
—press yourself against him/her the lack of sex, and that will turn
in bed him/her right off instantly. Think
—turn a massage into sexual longer term to give this a chance of
touching working.
—dress sexily to tempt him This works because in many rela-
—wander around naked tionships, when one person is less
—talk or joke about sex interested, instead of backing off, the
other tries harder to get the person
to have sex. This puts the other per-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
son off even more, and causes the on the other person's part. This can
other to become even more desper- take some time.
ate to get sex... and so on in a vicious
circle. No matter how much the one Find constructive ways to feel good
being pursued for sex might want to While you are doing all this, do
want it, he just can't. He needs space things for yourself to make yourself
to find his own desire again. So back feel good, and to make yourself feel
off—but be friendly and happy and attractive and confident, if that is in
nice in non-sexual ways. If he likes any way in doubt. Develop your
being massaged, massage him with- own life. Increase your self-
out even the slightest hint that you confidence by becoming more aware
want sex. Not a single hint of any of others who are attracted to you. If
kind. If she likes sensual perfumed your husband's lack of interest was
baths with candles and soft music killed by insecurity, or if he lacks
and a glass of Champagne, give her confidence, avoid like the plague
that—and don't even think of drop- doing anything that might exacer-
ping any hints that you want sex. bate that. But if he does not have
Even when your partner does that problem and just appears to
show flutterings of interest, do not have gone off sex with you for no
have sex—yet. Remain strong. In- apparent reason, the following
stead, first, for some time—like might be worth doing:
many days or weeks (depending on When you and your uninterested
how bad a case yours is!)—appear husband are out with other people,
not to notice that they are showing and you notice a man looking at
signs of being interested in you sex- you, smile at him rather than pre-
ually again. Continue to be friendly, tending not to see. Start noticing
loving, and nice, but do not even these sexual signals from others
think of showing interest in them more, and don't worry if your part-
sexually. The reason I think you ner sees. Unless he has been turned
should not jump into sex at the first off you as a result of you having
sign of interest is not to play games been flirting (in which case, on no
with the person you love (no!) but in account do this or anything he might
order to be sure that the desire is perceive as flirting!) it will help if
real, wholehearted, and great your partner sees that others are
enough that having sex will not yet attracted to you. Get yourselves in-
again make the person feel icky and vited to a party or two, dress really
pressured and put off. In these cases, well, and let the one you love see
the first flutterings of desire are frag- that other people find you attractive,
ile and the person is still in a state of and even flirt a little (just a little). If
hypersensitivity to anything which you do do this, on no account do it
could possibly be interpreted as in such a way that it appears to be
pressure. So you need to wait until hostile, threatening, or humiliating
the flutterings have become an ur- to the one you love. Of course if
gent, wholehearted feeling of need what you do appears to your man to
be a desperate attempt to make him
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
jealous, it will be totally counterpro- Desist! Back off! Give his desire a
ductive. The point of this is that chance to re-surface. Give her the
looking through someone else's eyes psychological (and physical) space
can lift familiarity-induced blind- to create her own desire. BACK OFF.
ness. Have I said that enough times yet? I
find that people just aren't aware of
Avoid falling into old pressuring all the hints they are dropping, all
patterns again the ways in which they have not
Hold off from sex until he is not backed off—so search for those and
just begging for it, but crawling up desist.
the walls in desperation for it!
Then, after you have first had sex, Afterwards
instead of falling back into a pattern If the other person has been feeling
in which you were trying to get him pressured, I suggest removing the
to have sex, and he was pulling pressure as above first, before trying
away from you, be careful to avoid to introduce intimate control dy-
pushing for sex. Sometimes appear namics, because of the risk that the
friendly but uninterested again. other person may experience that as
Don't go back to trying to seduce further pressure. If pressure has
him or her. Instead, let him initiate— played no part in the other person's
at least for a long time, until you are lack of interest, then it might well be
sure that everything is all right and safe to go ahead and raise the subject
you have a sexual connection again. of introducing control into your rela-
This is not about playing games, it is tionship, and Taken In Hand. Best of
about avoiding exerting off-putting luck!141
pressure.
Eventually, your man will become “THE EXQUISITE PLEASURE OF CHILDLIKE-
interested again. But it will only
NESS IN A WOMAN” (21 JANUARY 2004)
work if you manage to back off
completely. If you are a man, and I have said that I love
you just can't resist thrusting your a strong but very feminine woman,
erection into her back at night, or J. This may come as a surprise to
wandering around naked in front of some, but I also love J's childlike-
her, or watching her lustfully as she ness. This very sensible, strong,
undresses, you are not going to get grown-up woman is sometimes
anywhere, because you have not adorably childlike. Not childish,
backed off. If you are a woman childlike. There is a big difference.
whose man seems uninterested in Childlikeness is fun, vibrant, cute,
you sexually, and you sigh sadly full of life, hope, optimism, trust,
whenever a love scene comes on on and vulnerability. Childishness is
the TV, or if you try to dress to kill being an annoying, petulant brat,
for your man to try to seduce him, or and that is not what I'm talking
you masturbate in bed next to him, about (though she can do this on
etc., you have not backed off. You occasion as well...)!
have to stop all that—everything.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
One of the things that I love is and trust it implies appeals to the
when J is looking up at me through protective man in me? It does make
lowered eyelashes, giving me a little me feel very aware of the fact that I
girl look. She does this quite uncon- am a man, a real man, and responsi-
sciously, it's not an affectation or ble for caring for the woman I love
calculated to manipulate, it is just so much.142
something she does that's a part of
her—one of the many different fac- “WHAT THE WOMAN GETS OUT OF IT” (23
ets of her. That look she gives me is JANUARY 2004)
a submissive look that says she is
accepting that I am in charge, and it I am J, the woman lucky enough to
is an acknowledgement that we both be loved by Random, and as Ran-
know that I am in charge and that dom has received criticism on an-
that is the way we both want it. other forum, I wanted to say what I
When she does this, it has an in- myself get out of our relationship.
stant effect, flooding me with desire First, be aware that it was I myself
and making me melt with love for who asked Random to take me in
her. It makes me feel loved, warm, hand. He is such a kind, considerate
tender, and it makes me feel gentle man that from what I know of him,
and protective towards her—except his previous relationships have not
sometimes when it makes me want involved this to any great degree,
to take her in hand over my lap because his attitude is always to do
straight away for being a naughty whatever it takes to make the wom-
little girl! an he is with happy. Well I knew
When J looks at me in a childlike what I wanted, and I told him, and
way, she seems so little, vulnerable, he listened and we talked and
in need of protection, love and care. talked, and we found that this was
It is an expression of vulnerability not just something he could give me
and trust in me. She is trusting me to but something he loves as much as I
look after her, and that feels good to do.
me. I'll never forget the first time he
There is a lot more to J than this, of took me in hand physically. We
course. She is an adult, and a very were in a car park, and I had made
competent, strong one at that—I an adverse comment about myself.
must emphasise that this is just one The smile on his face changed to a
facet of a wonderfully complex look of concern and loving domi-
character that I love. That said, I'm nance, and he ordered me to turn
glad that she feels able to show dif- around so he could spank me.
ferent facets of her personality with That was the moment I knew he
me. It makes life far more interest- wasn't just doing all this for me.
ing. That was the moment I realised that
I'm not sure why J's childlikeness he gets it, that he's wired for domi-
has such a powerful effect on me nance. I felt such pleasure I can't
(maybe someone will write in about even describe it. I felt high, flying,
this?) but perhaps the vulnerability
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
wrapped in protective love, cared man, and a level of intimacy that
for. I felt a sense of deep gratitude, makes other relationships pale into
not because I have a spanking fetish nothing. I can tell Random my deep-
(to be honest, I'm not that interested est secrets, fears, problems, and all
in the spanking aspect of being tak- the good and positive things too,
en in hand) but because he cared and he listens and helps. He's my
about me putting myself down, and rock, my support, my lover, my
because he gave me the gift of his soulmate.
dominant love which feels so good. Random said that this relationship
Other couples have love and car- makes him feel free. It makes me too
ing too, and express it in other ways, feel free—free as a bird, flying, glid-
but this is the way I personally pre- ing on warmth, enjoying the sun-
fer. When Random expresses his shine. It's like waking up and going
love in non-BDSM dominant ways, out into the warm sunshine and
it makes me feel excited, loved, pro- smelling clean country air after
tected, and submissive. I hate to spending time in a cold dark musty
admit that I love to feel submissive, building. I've never felt more loved
because I'm not the submissive type, or more free than I do with Random.
but I do have to admit that I love For posters to say I must be subli-
dominance because of the way it mating my desires and building up
makes me feel—as though I'm float- resentment towards him is all
ing on air, safe in his care, and well, wrong. Nothing could be further
I'm sexually wired to be excited by from the truth. This is what I've al-
it. ways wanted! Finally, I've got what I
There seems to be a big misconcep- always wanted. It doesn't get any
tion that Random just likes to get his better than this. This is my fairytale
own way and not consider my de- dream come true. If you think being
sires. This is so untrue! I've never taken in hand means the man gets
met a more considerate man. I've what he wants and the woman gets
had a couple of very nice boyfriends walked on, you just don't get it. Be-
but I've never met a man more car- lieve me, I couldn't be happier!143
ing and willing to listen than Ran-
dom. Sometimes I feel moved to “SPANKING AS CONNECTION” (25
tears by how kind he is. This is no JANUARY 2004)
selfish man who feels free to walk all
over me, this is a man with the kind- As I've explored the wonderful
est heart on earth, a man with the worlds of spanking, dominance and
strength and love not to be dimin- submission and domestic discipline,
ished by pleasing those he loves. and how they relate to what I most
What do I get out of it? The deep- truly need and desire, how they re-
est love I've ever known, a height- late to my truest nature, I've been
ened sense of pleasure and happi- privileged to learn so much. I've
ness in my life, a feeling of erotic learned (and God bless those for
excitement a lot more of the time whom this is what makes them hap-
than I'd have with a non-dominant
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
py) that true sadomasochism has ment or relational style while anoth-
essentially no interest for me. I've er society rewards and encourages
learned that I have no interest in it. But ultimately our own real
hurting women (nor men, either) for chance at happiness is this life is to
any reason, but appreciate the value learn what our true nature is and
for the kind of women I find myself follow it in the best and most honest
deeply attracted to of being taken way we know how, trusting that it
care of, and that being taken in hand is, in essence, a gift in the deepest
is for them a part of that. I've learned sense. What I have come to see is
that I have a parental and nurturing that what is most important is to
masculine streak a mile wide that learn as much as possible about
runs deep through my dominant what you truly need and desire,
nature and is a part of myself that I regardless of your own internal crit-
deeply cherish. I've learned that I ic and regardless of societal ap-
adore spanking girls' bottoms for plause or condemnation, and then
our mutual pleasure and have a nat- follow it to the very best of our abili-
ural talent for doing just that. I've ties, while being respectful of those
learned that I value the code of the we interact with and respectful of
gentleman in all aspects of my life their own natures and needs.
and that the way I grow in relation- And so sometimes along my own
ships is by being a strong, dominant path, I have met with some misun-
partner in the service of my be- derstanding or disapproval (alt-
loved's truest, deepest needs. hough, I must say, the more I come
And I have encountered this to understand and accept my own
truth—everyone has their own true nature, the less I encounter either) or
nature and desires, and although am bothered by them when I do.
there are certain universal truths One of the key misunderstandings I
about human beings (none of us have encountered from either “va-
desire to truly suffer, all of us desire nilla” friends or, on the other hand,
to be happy—no matter how twisted those in the true BDSM culture is
or misguided that may become for this: If you enjoy spanking and your
some of us at times), and certain girl enjoys being spanked, how can
overlapping interests for a particular you say that it is also used as disci-
group (some men and women just pline in your relationship? And if
are naturally and lovingly dominant, you wish to discipline her, shouldn't
some naturally and joyfully submis- you withhold spanking, or do some-
sive, many have no such polarity or thing else entirely?
are genuinely switchable), each of To answer the second question
has his or her own particular nature, first: No way. Spanking is an im-
our own deepest truth, which is portant part of how I express con-
uniquely our own. nection and intimacy with my be-
We may or may not wish to face loved (and how she experiences
this nature and explore it, and any both), and she has my unconditional
given society may condemn and love and adoration no matter how
revile a particular kind of tempera- she behaves. I would never choose
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
to use the withdrawal of affection or Last time* I talked about physical
isolation as punishment for any discipline as a form of connection,
child of mine. I might spank them or one which, when both parties want
give them a “community service” it in their relationship, is important
style project, which replaces a Sat- not to neglect. This still leaves open
urday night with friends or an ex- the question that friends (both those
pected trip to the movies, but I who would never be interested in
would never leave them alone as I any kind of domestic discipline and
feel that would be truly harmful to those for whom sex isn't fun until
their hearts. I would make sure that someone's skin's been broken) ask:
they understood that discipline is How can you possibly expect to
provided for them simply to change change anyone's behavior or attitude
particular behavior that is disre- if you give them what they want
spectful or potentially harmful to when they do the things you least
them or others, not to change them want them to do? This being a very
for being “bad” (or as I like to say fair question, I've taken time to try to
“A naughty girl is just a good girl explain my thoughts and feelings on
before she's had her spanking”). the matter: so let me call this the
Spanking in my adult relationship Eskimo analogy.
works the same way. No matter how [Now let me first of all apologize
far my sweetie may have erred from to both my readers who are actual
her wiser self, no matter what she Eskimos and those who are special-
has done and no matter how I feel ized Eskimologists; I have never
about it, our connection will never traveled in the wild, barren North,
be at stake because of it. She may be nor have I ever dedicated myself to
spanked until she sobs and kicks detailed study of Eskimo life. I'm
over my knee (only occasionally, sure many Eskimos are wonderful
only when she has really done some- kissers, and they may in fact have
thing dangerous to herself or oth- only one word for snow. The Eskimo
ers). But my love for her will never in my story is a gentleman formed
be at stake, it is truly unconditional. from received wisdom and my own
Even as I convey the very forceful rhetorical needs.]
idea that this may be one form of Suppose an Eskimo was staying
behavior I never wish to see from with my family here in New York
her in the future, I let her know the City. After a long, enjoyable day
strength and depth of my devotion spent walking through some of the
to her and love for her.144 world's finest museums and going
shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue, we
“THE ESKIMO ANALOGY” (26 JANUARY come home to my apartment and he
2004) sees me first give my wife a long,
lingering kiss on the lips as I greet
her and then, later that evening, as I

* “Spanking as connection,” 25 January

2003.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
tuck my children in, kiss each of feel goodwill, it can be an expression
them on the forehead. of gentlemanly deference and re-
As we are talking over beers in the spect, it can be seductive or entirely
living room that night, he turns to chaste. It can even have political or
me and says: social implications (a kiss on the
“Max, my friend, I've had a won- ring) or be the ultimate betrayal of a
derful time here in your city, but religious leader.
there's something I'd have to confess And so it is with spanking: a sim-
I don't understand, because in my ple action requiring only the appli-
country we do not have this “kiss- cation of one's hand (or an imple-
ing” that you Southerners seem to ment) to another person's buttocks.
enjoy so much. Spanking can be entirely erotic, ei-
“Now what I don't understand is ther as foreplay or as a form of sex in
this: When you came home, you itself, but it can also be utterly asex-
kissed your wife and it seemed as ual—often for me it is somewhere in
though it was a very sexual thing between being purely erotic and
between you, which makes perfect utterly chaste. It can be entirely dis-
sense to me. But then you kissed ciplinary—an intimate and ritualistic
your children before they went to form of safely, but firmly and physi-
sleep. Now is it normal for your cally, expressing displeasure with a
people to express sexual attraction to particular action or attitude. It can
their children—or is there something be deeply sensual without being
I'm missing here, Max my friend?” sexual; combined with other forms
To which I of course offer the fol- of stroking, a spanking on the bare
lowing explanation: A kiss can ex- can be a wonderful form of relaxing
press a lot of different sentiments massage. It can be part of a playful
and create a lot of different feelings game, or a way of de-stressing a
for both kisser and kissee. beloved partner after she's had a
A kiss on the lips is different from difficult day at work. It can be an
a kiss on the forehead, which is dif- entirely non-disciplinary way of
ferent from a kiss on the back of the providing emotional release for a
hand, which in turn expresses some- cherished one who is going through
thing rather different than a kiss on genuine difficulty and cannot find
the palm, or a kiss on the cheek, a easy release of her feelings in anoth-
kiss on the neck, a kiss on the toes or er way. It can be a form of light-
a kiss on the inner thighs... Some- hearted flirtation, but it can also be a
thing as seemingly simple as touch- way of affirming and deepening a
ing lips to another person's skin can life-time commitment to a romantic
be incredibly complex in its meaning partner. It can even, apparently, be a
and one kiss can be entirely different form of spiritual practice (perhaps
from another. A kiss can express not one accepted by any religious
(and generate) intense sexual attrac- orthodoxy, but still...) in the form of
tion, it can convey parental or filial Tantric spanking.
blessing, it can be a simple way of “And so, my Eskimo friend,” I
greeting anyone towards whom you would say, leaning forwards with
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
purpose, “Just as you have your 200 the industrial-sized dustbin to find a
words for the different kinds of document, Lee seemed like a bit of a
snow you see, which to us just looks doormat. And far from being calm,
like so many white frozen flakes, so gentlemanly, and strong, Mr Grey
we have over 200 different kinds of seemed disrespectful and short-
kiss.” tempered. My initial impression was
And so I could say the same about not that good.
spanking—what appears to be a However, as I discovered, there is
simple physical interaction can con- another way to watch this film, one
vey a far greater number of mean- that makes it well worth watching.
ings than someone on the outside Once I stopped expecting to identify
might ever guess.145 closely with the two main charac-
ters, and relaxed about the BDSM
“SECRETARY: THE FILM” (29 JANUARY humiliation and tests of submission,
2004) I started seeing lots of valuable as-
pects of the film, and would now
Secretary was recommended to me recommend it.
as a “very sexy” film for those with I see it as a story of redemption.
Taken In Hand inclinations. But one Here are two individuals so screwed
Taken In Hand person I talked to up that one wonders how they will
vehemently disagreed, saying, “This ever find happiness in their lives...
movie is an insult! It implies we're and by the end of the film, they have
sickos, and it was obviously made clearly found deep happiness and
by people who have no idea what contentment in a rich, fulfilling rela-
we're about. The humiliation in it tionship with each other.
was offensive. I'd tell him where to Moreover, this happiness is not
stick the garbage.” I decided to see it pulled out of a hat, it is the result of
for myself. what they themselves want
If you watch it hoping for a film (dominance and submission) and the
about Taken In Hand relationships, actions they themselves take. That is
you will probably be a bit disap- a terrifically positive message about
pointed. For a start, there are some the power of this sort of relationship
scenes which have the appearance of to help people solve their apparently
humiliating BDSM-style tests of intractable problems.
submission. It is quite clear that no matter how
Secondly, early in the film, we weak and troubled Lee was at the
learn that the main female character, beginning of the film, by the time of
Lee, has a compulsion to cut and her sit-in, she is very strong indeed.
burn herself—yuck! The first time I Instead of being angry with Mr Grey
watched the film, both she and the for needing to test her love and
main male character, Mr Grey, submission, she calmly, resolutely,
struck me as weak and screwed up. and proudly submits. Here is a
In accepting humiliating tests of woman so accepting of, and clear
submission such as going through about, who she is and what she
wants, that even when besieged by
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
the media and many people all try- Upon second viewing I noticed
ing to get her to move, she remains many nice touches: Lee's response to
seated as Mr Grey has told her to. It the spanking (not to mention her
is her single-minded pursuit of the checking whether it had left marks
relationship that wins the day. on her), her attempts to provoke Mr
Mr Grey is, for most of the film, Grey into spanking her, her response
tortured by his dominant desires to Mr Grey's failure to be provoked,
and fighting them all the way. her total failure to make herself and
Whether one is BDSM-inclined or her desires understood by her con-
Taken In Hand inclined, I think one ventional boyfriend, and her total
can empathise with his inner strug- lack of arousal during sex with the
gle. Many of us have wrestled with conventional boyfriend. All this
inner doubts about whether what rings so true.
we want is okay. Mr Grey does not The relationship that Lee and Mr
accept himself at all—until Lee helps Grey end up with is warm, very
him to do so. At one point, in a voice loving, joyful, exquisitely nurturing,
full of anxiety, he says, “We can't do and appears to the outside world
this 24/7!” Lee replies with clear- quite conventional. They are a cou-
eyed simplicity, “Why not?” ple living a perfectly normal life
This is not to say that Mr Grey is as together… which incorpo-
useless as he appeared to me upon rates BDSM. They look just like you
first viewing. In fact, he is the first and me, rather than appearing
person ever to really see and under- weird. They could be your next-door
stand Lee. He gives her visibility, neighbours.
and it is he who releases her from Well worth watching; you just
her compulsion to mutilate herself. have to watch it in the right spirit.
It is this that then enables Lee in turn If you have seen it, what did you
to help him to accept himself, and think?146
without that, there would be no rela-
tionship. So each redeems the other. “WHAT KIND OF SITE IS THIS? D/S?
This film depicts the development TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?” (1 FEBRUARY
of a relationship which empowers
2004)
each person to grow and flourish,
just like any other good relationship. On the page about me,* Mary Lou
Even if the individuals were as ra- Day writes:
tional as you or I, this would be a
positive message; but Lee and Mr This is a superb Web Site you've
Grey initially were both deeply created but what is it? You talk about
troubled, so, to me, the message is Traditional Relationships, but you
even more positive, because it is that say you don't think it's Natural and
much more difficult to create a good
relationship when you have deep * See:
psychological problems! We should <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012
not be insulted by this film at all! 8210219/http://www.takeninhan-
d.com/webmaster#comment-466>
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
you're not religious. Is it a DD site? viduals involved. There is no magic
Parts of it look like a Spanko Site. formula for relationship success: we
There's a lot of D/s on it, are you have to make our own magic, start-
D/s? It's confusing because you've
ing from where we are as individu-
said comments against BDSM but the
Site could be a TPE one.... except you als, and jointly creating a relation-
don't accept the slave/master dynam- ship we both value. A good relation-
ic. What are you???? ship is a dynamic, evolving entity,
not an immutable set of rules. When
The short answer, Mary Lou, is I imagine being in a relationship that
that on a personal level I have a bit is stereotypical, static, and easy to
of an aversion to being put in a box label, my reaction is: what's the
or given a fixed label, and in terms point? Perhaps others understand
of the web site, I don't want to get things better than I do, but to me, it
into arguments about words. The sounds mindless, boring, unchal-
idea of having big discussions about lenging, tedious, unsatisfying.
whether or not Taken In Hand is When I first became interested in
a DD site or a D/s site, or both, de- the idea of what I now call Taken In
pending upon what you mean by Hand relationships—or rather, when
that, or what the definition of such- I first faced the fact that such a rela-
and-such a term is... well I'm nod- tionship was what I wanted—I had
ding off in boredom already, just not read anything or talked to any-
thinking about it. It just doesn't in- one about it. So it is not really sur-
terest me. prising that I do not think in terms
However, since this seems to be of labels such as “domestic disci-
important to some readers, here are pline” or “D/s”. Why suddenly at-
my thoughts on this. I do hope that tach a label to a set of ideas that has
nothing I say here will offend any- taken shape and evolved in my
one. (Fear of upsetting people is mind long before I had ever heard of
another reason not to have an explic- those labels/“lifestyles”? (I person-
it discussion of terms, I think!) The ally don't even like the idea of a
last thing I want to do is offend any- “lifestyle“, because that, to me,
one. None of what follows is in any sounds somehow artificial, fixed and
way to criticise anyone else's choic- clearly defined.) I have no objection
es. Each person must follow his or to others attaching any label they
her own path in life, and in no way find helpful to Taken In Hand, I just
do I want to suggest that paths other don't feel inclined to pin it down
than mine are wrong. I have enough myself.
trouble following my own path, My aim in starting this site was to
never mind sitting in judgement of create a new kind of site—not a
anyone else's! :-) standard relationship site on which
Part of the reason that I avoid la- it is completely taken for granted
bels is that I think that the best rela- that to have a good relationship,
tionships are those that arise and husband and wife must be equal
evolve naturally as a result of the and seen to be equal (whether they
interactions of the two unique indi- like it or not)—and on the other
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
hand, not a standard traditional site of Taken In Hand as a prescription
on which it is taken for granted that for all is against everything I believe
the wife should submit to her hus- in. This is a free choice, or it would be
band—but also not a BDSM / D/s / an abomination. Taken In Hand is
SM sex site (which all leave me per- not compulsory! Whilst I wanted my
sonally completely cold, if not quea- site to focus on Taken In Hand rela-
sy). I wanted my site to be free of the tionships, that is just because that is
cliquey language, embarrassing rit- my personal preference. I was not
uals and modes of address and the trying to create a huge site catering
surprisingly narrow thinking one to all preferences, but that does not
finds on some D/s and BDSM sites; mean I think everyone should share
and as a non-spanko, I wanted a site my preferences.
that would also not be a I wanted the site to be supportive
DD/spanking site. of lifelong, fully committed, sexually
I wanted the site to be free of posts exclusive, faithful marriage, by
advocating self-serving narcissism. I showing that monogamy need not
wanted the site not to be irresponsi- mean monotony but in fact can be
ble. I wanted the site to do no harm. much more exciting and sexually
We stress that the husband in a Tak- fulfilling than less focused (e.g.,
en In Hand relationship puts his wife open or poly) relationships, staying
and their relationship firstbecause that single or having adulterous affairs.
is the key to creating a marriage in I wanted the site to foster non-
which the man is in control in a stereotypical, evolving, exciting un-
good, healthy and sustainable way. labelled relationships in which the
I imagined a site on which lovers spouses do not feel trapped in ill-
of books like Ayn Rand's The Foun- fitting role boxes. I wanted to pro-
tainhead or Atlas Shrugged would vide a forum on which women
have deep philosophical discussions would feel free to be themselves
with lovers of Jane Austen's novels, rather than trying to squeeze them-
and where men who appreci- selves into a rigid stereotypical D/s-
ate Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?, style ‘submissive’ box, and where
by Manis Friedman would happily men would not feel pressure to put
rub shoulders with women who love on a ridiculous swaggering stereo-
books like Helen typical ‘dom’ act.
Andelin's Fascinating Woman- Taken In Hand wives respect,
hood and Laura Doyle's The Surren- honour and appreciate their hus-
dered Wife. bands and strive to please them, but
I hoped to create a positive, warm they tend not to claim to
site that would be neither anti-men be submissive, because they do not
nor anti-women. feel the deep need to serve that so
I wanted to create a site that, while many believe is the essence of sub-
being firmly focused on relation- missiveness. I don't believe that
ships in which the husband wears there is any duty to submit, any
the trousers in the relationship, was more than there is a duty to be in
not hostile to other paths. The idea charge. For me these matters are
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
individual preferences, not duties or marriages and improve relationships
burdens to suffer. more generally, as opposed to a site
There are many many sites out that would just have a lot of posts
there for women who have a very detailing posters' experiences. Some-
deep desire to serve, and many oth- times experience posts do raise in-
ers for those who choose to submit teresting issues but often they are
to their husbands for religious rea- just experiences. Experience posts
sons. But until I started this site, also tend to give too much infor-
there was no site for those women mation (for my taste, at least), and
who worship the man who actively the more such posts we have on the
masters them and submits them but site, the more it attracts similar
who otherwise don't feel submissive, posts.
and there was no site for men who I wanted my site to be one free of
enjoy the thrill of actively dominating exhibitionism—one on which pri-
and submitting their wife and who vate information (such as intimate
would find it boring to be in a rela- details about what a poster did in
tionship without at least a little of the bedroom on a given occasion)
that. would remain private rather than
I wanted it to be clear that the appearing on the site. I wanted my
purpose of creating a Taken In Hand site to appeal as much to readers'
relationship is that, for those of us parents or grandparents, as to indi-
who like this sort of thing, it creates viduals who might also read obvi-
a white-hot sexual connection, and ously racy, graphic sites.
thus a rock-solid permanent bond I wanted my site to be free of reli-
between husband and wife. I want- gious proselytising. On the other
ed it to be obvious that if the Taken hand I did not want my site to be
In Hand idea is not your cup of tea, hostile to religious people. I wanted
it is not for you! it to appeal to Orthodox rabbis and
The Taken In Hand relationship is conservative Christians as well as
neither all about the man, as in some fellow atheists.
D/s relationships in which the man I wanted a site that would take it
has control, nor all about the wom- for granted that different men, and
an, as in some DD relationships—it indeed couples, have wildly differ-
is for both. I wanted that to be very ent preferences in regard to how the
clear on my site. control can be manifested in a Taken
I wanted to create a thoughtful site In Hand relationship, rather than
that would be about ideas— being a site that would be dominat-
the philosophy and the psychology of ed by one preference in this regard.
these relationships, the underlying I hoped that readers would be able
substance—rather than experiences to see the beautiful substance be-
or particular practices. I had in mind neath the overt form of the Taken In
a more analytical, deeply interesting Hand relationship in general, and of
(to me) site that would raise and individual couples' relationships in
discuss interesting issues that would particular.
help people create vibrantly happy
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
I hoped that people would see this Hand relationships—and using my
site not as a throwback to darker chosen phrase, “Taken In Hand” to
times when women had no choice, do so—all over the internet.
but as an expression of the real I chose the phrase “taken in hand”
choice women (at least Western to distinguish my site from sites
women) now have. I hoped that this aimed at those who believe that if a
site would give women who have, in woman wants to live under the con-
psychological terms, had no choice trol of a man, she must be a very
but to choose so-called equality, the obedient, already-in-hand women
psychological freedom to choose a with a deep need to serve and obey.
Taken In Hand relationship instead Many D/s ‘doms’ want to be
of that miserable (for them) so-called served and obeyed and would never
equality. And I hoped that this site countenance the idea
would, similarly, make men, too, of dominating and submitting their
feel more free to embrace their pref- woman. Some are positively scath-
erence for a Taken In Hand relation- ing about the idea. There was no site
ship. In no way do I want to make in existence for those who do enjoy
anyone feel compelled to change any dominating and submitting their
preference they might have. woman. I wanted my site to be for
On some sites, there is a snobbish- those men, and the women who love
ness that I find unappealing. There them. The phrase “taken in hand”
is a sort of hierarchy of posters, with highlights the activeness of the hus-
those not claiming to be ‘experi- band's control, and does not suggest
enced” being deemed less likely to that it is a wife's duty to be already
have good ideas. What nonsense! I in hand. It suggests the sort of dom-
wanted my site to be free of posts inance that involves submitting the
arguing from authority. I wanted my woman, as opposed to the sort of
site to be free of posts talking down dominance that requires the woman
to other people. to act as if she has already been
I wanted my site to be free of meta submitted by the man despite the
comments—endless arguments fact that she hasn't.
about meta issues such as how to Please do not conclude that I think
post, how the site should be run, any man has a duty to dominate and
how x's response was judgemental, submit his wife. I do not! If submit-
or y shouldn't have posted in z ting your woman is not a thrill for
manner. I hoped that posters would you but instead a disagreeable chore
address ideas and issues and not get that you find entirely uninteresting,
into uninteresting petty squabbles then Taken In Hand is not aimed at
about what is acceptable behaviour you. This is not about fixed prescrip-
on the site. tions and proscriptions, it is about
Have I achieved my aim? Erm... individual preferences.
not yet, not perfectly at least, but I also like the fact that the phrase
nevertheless the site does have its “taken in hand” suggests interac-
own unique identity, and people tion, connection, and movement
seem to be discussing Taken In towards an ever-better relationship.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
This is real life we are dealing with does not really speak to me. Also, I
here, not a fantasy, not people acting have no interest in the whole pain
out roles. In real life, women often thing. I don't get the appeal of caus-
would hate to wear the trousers in ing pain, or indeed receiving it. I
their relationship, and long for their conclude that I am no sadomaso-
husband to take charge and not take chist.
any nonsense, but unless their hus- On the other hand, if it is the case
band takes charge and actively gets that if there is any hint of violence or
and keeps the upper hand, by de- intensity in a relationship, it counts
fault the women will continue to run as sadomasochistic, then I must put
things, because that is what they myself in that category. I do not
have been doing (painful though it is think of all (consensual) vio-
for them) in the absence of their lence/intensity as being sadomaso-
husband's control. chism (SM), but apparently others
Likewise, wonderful, loving hus- do.
bands have tried so hard not to boss
their wife about, because they have BDSM (bondage, discipline, domi-
had it drummed into them from nance, submission, sadomasochism)
childhood that that was the way to The few things I have read that are
have a good marriage, that it is aimed at the BDSM community have
sometimes difficult for them to take made me think that BDSM is not for
charge (despite how much they hate me. It is absolutely not that I have
not to be wearing the trousers). I any moral objection to BDSM, it is
wanted this site to provide infor- just not my cup of tea. There is quite
mation and respectful support for a distinct BDSM sub-culture, with its
men trying to take charge in their own language and rituals, and quite
marriage. specific, even stereotypical, ways of
The last thing I wanted was a site interacting (and no, I am not just
in a constant battle about labels in- referring to the internet).
stead of discussing more interesting To me, it feels artificial, and there
matters. is a certain exhibitionism associated
But let me go through a few quib- with it, that I find distasteful. Not
bles I have with each of the labels immoral, just not my cup of tea.
the poster asked about, to make it I personally am not interested in
more obvious why I hesitate to use the master/slave idea, stylised
them: scenes, the human toilet idea, dun-
geons, wearing kinky costumes,
SM (sadomasochism) rubber or leather (except occasional-
Many years ago, in my read-all- ly, for fun, or when attending a fan-
the-classics phase, I read Julliette and cy-dress party), intricate lists of of-
Justine, by the Marquis de Sade— ten rather bizarre rules and conse-
and wished I hadn't. I also read quences, instruments of pain such as
Anne Rice's Beauty series, and was nipple clamps, humiliation, play
unmoved by them. I have read Story parties, munches, or anything re-
of O a couple of times, and that too quiring a safeword. The idea of a
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
grovelling, obsequious, quivering, D/s (dominance/submission)
submissive woman desperate to Whenever I come across an explic-
serve and willing to be humiliated itly D/s person or web site, I find
and punished for the slightest thing statements that are just not con-
leaves me cold. My fantasies don't sistent with what I want. I particu-
revolve around masters and slaves, larly dislike the very serious, dutiful,
or men shouting at women, or mak- self-sacrificial, disapproving atmos-
ing women eat out of a dog's bowl phere on many D/s sites. For me, if
(whether or not it's been washed). it's not hot for you, why do it?! I
For me, Taken In Hand is not a wanted my site to avoid the idea of
mere game to play at a particular dominance as a burden, submission
time on a particular day, with a set as a duty, and instead stress that the
of toys and equipment. Toys and reason we are doing this is that it
equipment might be fun on occasion is hot and fun and thereby bonds the
but they are not the whole point, couple together in a joyful, happy
and for me it has to be twenty-four marriage with a white-hot sexual
hours a day, seven days a week. In connection.
fact, even to mention that it is 24/7 I also dislike the custom of using
seems all wrong to me, because it lower case to denote submission and
suggests that one could say, this capitalising references to the domi-
week, let's take a day off. The man's nant person: “when i know i have
control needs to inform the entire pleased my Master, only then will i
relationship. If it is possible to take be able to feel my own happiness.” I
the day off, the control simply isn't personally prefer standard English.
there for me. It would not feel real. Many D/s sites and individuals I
And I want it to be real, not meet seem to emphasise the issue of
just feel real. whether or not a person is Truly
Of course the husband can choose Submissive, and whether or not she
to give the wife a freer rein on a par- has jumped through enough hoops
ticular day, and he can rein her in to qualify for the label submissive.
firmly on a particular occasion, but They seem inordinately excited by
that is not the same as engaging in a rituals and what they call ‘proto-
BDSM play scene, or having a con- cols’. They tend to contain a lot of
ventional relationship which is posts frowning on those who only
BDSM in the bedroom. Lots of feel submissive when actively domi-
BDSM web sites and books and nated, and by extension, on those
BDSM folk I have met IRL stress the who are more into dominating and
fact that the relationship is strictly submitting the woman they love
equal/non-dominant in every re- than simply being served.
spect except in the bedroom. That is I also dislike the fact that many
not for me. In the sense of “equal” D/s sites are very much opposed to
they mean, I'm all for a bit of ine- the whole idea of love, and sexual
quality. (It doesn't seem unequal to exclusivity, and that they do not
me in any bad sense, just different.) stress that the dominant partner
puts the submissive partner first. On
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
many such sites there is an assump-
tion that it is all about the wishes of TPE (total power exchange)
the dominant partner. Again, I am Again, I have only recently heard
quite sure that in many D/s rela- of “TPE” relationships. I like the
tionships there is love and sexual idea of power exchange and have
exclusivity, and the dominant part- read a few such web sites. As with
ner does indeed put the submissive all these labels, there are elements of
partner first. I just wanted my own the descriptions of TPE relationships
site to stress that Taken In Hand is that do sound consistent with Taken
for both as opposed to being all In Hand. But most of the TPE sites I
about one. have found seem to be heavily
Moreover, D/s and M/s sites tend BDSM-inspired, so are not to my
to take the view that there are differ- taste. Moreover, I have no interest in
ent levels of submissiveness, where collars, tattoos, or piercing or brand-
to be more submissive is to have a ing, whether in reality or even just in
greater desire and ability to serve. fantasy. This is not a moral judge-
That whole concept of submissive- ment, just a difference in prefer-
ness as having a need to serve leaves ences.
me cold. Similarly, many D/s sites Taken In Hand can sound boringly
assume the, to me, very peculiar conservative and conventional to
idea of dominance I mentioned anyone with a penchant for some of
above, namely, dominance without the more elaborate, painful, ritualis-
active dominating. tic, theatrical, humiliating BDSM
The whole D/s idea seems so very practices, but it is hardcore and ex-
rigid and stereotypical and boring to treme to anyone who doesn't like the
me, but again, that's just me. To each idea of the man's control not being
his own. I make no claim to under- confined to set scenes and times.
stand D/s. And no doubt someone Perhaps TPE is where Taken In
with different preferences would Hand meets BDSM. But given the
feel the same about my preferences. fact that TPE is part of the BDSM
I prefer the idea of individual men subculture, only a small proportion
and women exploring their nature of Taken In Hand relationships
fully and freely rather than to try to could also be described as TPE.
squeeze themselves into someone
else's idea of what they, as a man or Spanko
a woman, should be. I like Because of the way my ideas de-
the taming idea, the idea of subjec- veloped, and because of my (very
tion. Where is the fun in being limited) experience of folks who
handed submission on a plate? The consider themselves “spankos,” I
husband in a Taken In Hand rela- don't think of myself as a “spanko.”
tionship enjoys a little challenge now I was interested in what I now call
and again, and doesn't hesitate to Taken In Hand relationships long
take his wife in hand when neces- before I discovered the existence of
sary. It is all part of the fun of being the spanking/DD community.
in charge in the relationship.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
The husband in a Taken In Hand Just as D/s sites sometimes appear
relationship might or might not use to be all about the dominant partner,
spanking, but either way, it is not so DD sites often appear to be all
the spanking per se that is the point, about the one on the receiving end
it is the husband's active control of of the discipline. I wanted my site to
his wife. be for both, not all about either the
My impression is that this is a man or the woman.
slightly different emphasis which When I first discovered the DD
makes all the difference. To me, (domestic discipline) community, I
spanking per se is not erotic, and was struck by two things: first, the
many Taken In Hand inclined indi- heavy focus on spanking and pun-
viduals have no interest whatsoever ishment, to the exclusion of all other
in spanking, whether just for fun or forms of control, and especially to
ostensibly for discipline or punish- the exclusion of more subtle forms
ment, so it does seem as though of control; secondly, the astounding-
Taken In Hand does not quite fit the ly vehement denial of the erotic as-
mould of a spanko site. pect of so-called “discipline spank-
However, one thing I like about ings”. Here were people who on the
the spanko community is their won- one hand were obsessed with spank-
derfully vibrant sense of fun. I'd like ing and most certainly finding it
to see more of this spirit on Taken In erotic or they wouldn't be reading
Hand actually. erotic spanking stories and the like...
and on the other hand, adamantly
DD (domestic discipline) denying the connection between that
Again, I only heard of “DD” rela- and “real discipline”. It is complete-
tively recently, and do not think of ly inconceivable that there is no link
myself as being DD. But as with all between the two things.
these labels, I am very glad that lots I personally don't really like the
of individuals who think of them- DD focus on punishment, and many
selves as “DD” love Taken In Hand. or most Taken In Hand relationships
Different individuals have differ- do not involve physical discipline.
ent ideas about what “DD” means, You can maintain control in many
and I find some of the ideas associ- ways, not least by the power of your
ated with it questionable. For me, personality.
the idea that this is about correcting […]
the bad behaviour of a faulty wom- Another thing I noticed was that
an is a mistake. Why would a man lots of DD sites talk about contracts,
want to be with such a woman? I rules, and fixed punishments for
don't get it. For me, the idea that this misdemeanours. As with BDSM
is about helping a woman who has sites, it all sounds too fixed for me,
difficulty functioning as an adult, or too stereotypical, too static and bor-
saving a woman from herself, or ing, not individual enough. (Sorry! I
preventing her from harming her- do not mean to suggest that others
self, is unappealing, to say the least. should find BDSM or DD boring,
merely that I do.) A relationship
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
must be evolving to continue to be But for some readers, the phrase
fulfilling in the long term, and it “traditional relationship” conjures
must also be unique to the two indi- up the idea of tyrannical men and
viduals involved. uninteresting docile miserable re-
sentful nothing women devoid of
Surrendered wives, old-fashioned autonomy and having no choice and
girls, the man as strong romantic no opportunities to pursue their
hero who ravishes the heroine own dreams. So to use this phrase
I am delighted that many readers risks giving the mistaken impression
have discovered Taken In Hand that Taken In Hand is advocating a
after reading Jane Austen, modern return to the Dark Ages when there
romance novels, Ayn Rand's The was no choice for women. On the
Fountainhead, Laura Doyle's The Sur- contrary, I think that unless this is a
rendered Wife, Helen genuine choice, it is thoroughly bad.
Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, Indeed, one of my criticisms of some
and other such books. Elements of strands of feminism is that they end
the ideas in these books appeal to up replacing one set of prescriptions
me greatly, but I am not very keen and proscriptions with another. I
on the “surrendered wife” label, and think individuals should be free to
in the case of the latter two books, pursue relationships and ways of life
the men sound decidedly hypersen- that they themselves prefer, not feel
sitive and weak. Apart from the compelled to follow someone else's
phrase, “surrendered wife”, the only prescriptions. Moreover, to some, a
other I have thought of here is “be- “traditional relationship” sounds
ing a man”, and as a reader quite like a static, fixed relationship, and
rightly pointed out to me, using that that description seems not to be a
phrase might suggest that one thinks good fit for the kind of Taken In
that men who have no wish to take Hand relationship a tough woman
charge in their marriage are not real who has been on the front lines in
men, which of course is not true. Iraq might prefer. Nor does that idea
work for people like Eric.* So the
Traditional Relationship phrase “traditional relationship” is
In the past I have said that Taken all wrong.
In Hand is about celebrating “tradi- As you can see, I am at a bit of a
tional relationships” but this has loss to know what labels to use to
caused no end of misunderstandings describe Taken In Hand, but per-
and offence, so I conclude that using haps the person who has put it best
this phrase is a mistake, though it is Ben Nathan, who writes:
still has some appeal for me, because
these relationships do have some- I really believe your success is be-
thing in common with traditional cause Taken In Hand is about human
relationships, except that the Taken
In Hand one is freely chosen and
thoroughly consensual. * “The resistant woman,” 20 September

2003.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
love with bits of all the other bits In Hand style relationship gives me,
(spanking / TPE etc) thrown in. and I have also explained that I pre-
fer strong‡ but very feminine§ wom-
In this comment,* he adds: en. But there is so much more I get
out of it than just these things!
This site is about very traditional
relationships (like marriage/ monog-
First, there is self respect. I get a
amy), it is not about religion (though strong feeling that I am doing some-
it does seem to follow the Judaeo- thing worthwhile. I have been
Christian ethic of love), it is about brought up to believe that looking
domestic discipline (who has not, after, protecting, and supporting a
man or woman, mentally or physical- woman is the role of a man, and
ly disciplined their lover), it is a when I am dominant, I think I am
'spanko site' (because some of us
living up to that ideal, I feel as a man
spank or whip), it is D/s (because
some of us use D/s methods), it is should feel. I have an image of what
BDSM (because, if we are honest, we a man should be, and when I am in
all love to be tied down and 'taken'), charge in the right way (kindly and
it is TPE (because we all exchange considerately, needless to say),
huge amounts of power when we I am that man, and that feels good.
give ourselves to each other)... we all I feel very protective towards my
incorporate PART of all these systems girlfriend, J. I know I can't protect
(and many, many others) into that
her from everything in this world,
great and gorgeous brew we call
love—with marriage, partnership, but when something painful hap-
care, freedom, equality, the kids.. pens to her, I feel as though I have
everything all gets mixed in. failed. When I succeed in protecting
Clearly I can't speak for the site her, I feel validated almost, powerful
owner—whether or not he or she is and vindicated.
into D/s or heavily into TPE or what- As I have said before, this rela-
ever... but since he or she appears to tionship makes me feel free. I am in
be a very human being, he or she is,
charge, J knows I am in charge, and I
presumably just like the rest of us...
taking whatever he or she needs from can do what I want. But at the same
wherever to be a unique human be- time, I have a responsibility to look
ing... just like the rest of us. after her and to make decisions for
her and to nurture the relationship.
Thanks Ben. I agree.147 The fact that she has chosen to be
with me puts voluntary constraints
“WHAT DOES THE MAN GET OUT OF IT? around that freedom of choice. For
MANY THINGS!” (3 FEBRUARY 2004) example, I could spank J any time I

I have previously written† about † “What's in it for the man? Freedom!”

the feeling of freedom that a Taken
10 January 2004.
‡ “Why I, a dominant man, prefer a
* See: strong woman,” 5 January 2004.
<https://web.archive.org/web/2013012 § “The appeal of a very feminine wom-

8224338/http://www.takeninhan- an,” 7 January 2004.

d.com/comment/487#comment-487>
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
want to. On occasion, that can be grown-up adult being serious and
fun, but I often choose not to do that mature. So J's childlikeness and
because of what I want and what J playfulness brings a lot of light-
wants. hearted fun into our relationship and
Next, there's the erotic benefit. Be- my life.
ing in this kind of relationship is hot Trust is the next benefit on my list.
as hell. One of the first things J said That J has total trust in me means so
to me once we got together was that much to me. She knows that if I give
she wants me to feel I can take her my word, I will keep it. She knows
whenever I want without exception. that I can be trusted with blanket
When she said this, the sheer eroti- consent. The degree of trust she has,
cism of it sent a shiver down my in placing herself in my hands (liter-
spine. Here was a strong, successful ally!) makes me feel ten feet tall.
woman who loves and trusts me so Someone has absolute faith in me. It
much that she wants to be complete- makes me feel high, in fact. When I
ly available to me sexually. When told J it makes me feel ten feet tall,
I'm in bed with J, knowing that if I she said, “You are!” I replied, “Only
wanted to take her that night, she with you. Normally I'm 6'3".”
would have “no choice” but to ac- Trust is the bedrock of our rela-
cept, and that I could do anything I tionship, but there is also mutual
wanted to, I feel hugely powerful. respect. I respect J and what she
Knowing that J is available to me wants, and she respects my needs
at any time of the day or night, in too, and accepts that I make the de-
any situation, at any time, is very cisions for both of us. It is a meeting
erotic for me. I don't actually have to of equals but with different roles. I
go around taking her in all situa- never overrule J without first listen-
tions, and I don't. I exercise (some!) ing to her perspective, but if I feel
restraint. Just knowing that I can, that we would benefit from a deci-
and that she accepts that and wants sion other than the one she wants, I
to give me that level of availability will (and have) made a decision that
and trust turns me on and makes me she did not agree with. I
feel good and reinforces my ego and am always very careful in this area—
feeling of power. When I feel power- if J ever felt that I took her for grant-
ful, J herself finds that erotic, and it ed, that would seriously harm our
makes her feel submissive, and that relationship. But to anyone reading
turns me on even more. this who concludes that I must be a
I have said that I derive exquisite monster, please note that it was J
pleasure from J's childlike- who asked for a Taken In Hand style
ness because it is an expression of relationship. This is what she herself
vulnerability and trust in me. When wants. So in a sense, I am not really
J looks at me with her innocent little going against her wishes at all. It is
girl look, I am instantly turned on entirely consensual non-consent.
and instantly want to take her over There is a serious ego boost for me
my knee. It is fun and arousing to in this relationship. It is incredibly
have a woman who is not always a flattering to have a woman trust me
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
enough to place herself in my hands. bly something to do with the testos-
When she rolls over or demurely terone poisoning. ;-) This relation-
bats her eyelids, playfully accepting ship feels like a whole new level of
that I am in charge and submitting success, because of the enormous
to my control, my ego expands con- trust J has, and the lack of con-
siderably. I have this feeling that I straints she places on me. This is
have something so valuable, so spe- such a change from previous rela-
cial. I have a woman, a real woman, tionships, which while good in
who wants me, and who submits to many ways, never gave me the feel-
me and to nobody else. If anyone ing of freedom to act and this in-
else wants to touch her, look at her, tense feeling of success I get in this
harm her, they have to come relationship with J. My previous
through me first. relationships were not Taken In
I feel as though J belongs to me, Hand ones.
that in a sense I own her, that she is I hope this answers the questions
mine. This feeling of ownership or female readers have about what the
possession (it goes hand-in-hand man gets out of this kind of relation-
with the feeling of power and au- ship. Now it's your turn, ladies.
thority and control, etc.) is very erot- What do you get out of it?148
ic. Of course I don't actually think I
own J—I have the deepest respect “DO YOU THINK HE DOESN'T HAVE IT IN
for her, and I don't want a slave! HIM?” (4 FEBRUARY 2004)
What I am talking about is an emo-
tional feeling rather than a role- Melanie surrenders: Although I”ve
playing master-slave game. I in turn been thinking about this for a long
belong to J: it goes both ways. time, reading Random”s
That J has given herself to me last piece* inspired me to take the
completely, given me blanket con- plunge, to have faith in the magic.
sent to make the decisions, and that The story: A young woman had
she submits to me and me alone, been on her own for many years,
makes me feel that I have something supported herself, put herself
no one else does. It feels so good. through college, and started a busi-
Taking J to a restaurant, letting oth- ness. She fell in love with an even
ers see J, and knowing that they are younger man who still lived at
jealous and can't come anywhere home, and they got married. It made
near her, that she belongs to me and sense, didn”t it, for her to keep do-
me alone, makes me feel like a win- ing what she”d been doing all those
ner—the only winner that matters. years—paying the bills, earning the
I have a huge feeling of success. money, running the business? She
This is part of the competitiveness of was experienced, he wasn”t. The
being a man. (Am I giving away too
many male secrets here? I'm trying
to be very frank.) We men feel com- * “What does the man get out of it?
petitive, and having J makes me feel Many things!” 3 February 2003.
like the ultimate winner. It is proba-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
trouble was, he never had a chance agreed and he liked it. But now she
to develop those skills because they wants him to run the business and
weren”t necessary. manage the finances. She acknowl-
Ten years later, he still has very lit- edges that she had never given him
tle experience supporting his family a chance to grow up in this particu-
and managing his home. He has lar direction, and that he might
turned his formidable intelligence to make mistakes, but probably not
important projects outside the home, worse than the mistakes she had
projects to make the world a better made herself. She wants him to be
place. His wife is exhausted. But she captain of the ship, while she con-
figures he's doing important stuff centrates on giving him a happy,
that only he can do, and perhaps it's well-ordered home. She wants to
her place to take care of everything trust him completely, to demon-
at home so he can devote his time strate her faith in him by giving him
and energy to making the world this power, by actually needing him.
better. The world, after all, is more She is afraid this will sound like a
important than just their family, lot of burden and responsibility to
isn”t it? But she feels that something him. But no. He starts talking about
is missing from their marriage and the details as if it”s a done deal. As if
their family, and wishes it could be he”s wanted this burden and re-
different. sponsibility all his life. In spite of his
What”s missing is that while he”s important work, he”s always felt an
a “big guy” out there in the world, emptiness at home. Like it wasn”t
he”s not a “big guy” in his own really his house. Like his wife didn”t
home. He”s not really necessary in really need him. Like his authority
his home. So he feels important only wasn”t real because his wife made
when he”s out there working on his all the financial decisions. Right be-
projects, and less important when fore her astonished eyes, he grows
he”s home with his family. His wife about ten inches. He tells her that as
respects and admires him for what of today, he”s in charge, and if she
he does, but she feels let down as a bitches and moans about his deci-
wife. She resents all the stuff she has sions she”ll be soundly spanked.
to do, all the big decisions she has to Perhaps, as he”s just grown 10
make. She longs to be cherished and inches, he might just be able to han-
taken care of. But she wonders if it”s dle it all.149
fair to ask him to take her burdens.
She wonders if he”s even capable of “EVER-DEEPENING TOTAL LOVE” (5
it. FEBRUARY 2004)
Well, one day she does ask him.
She tells him that she wants him to I first found Taken In Hand last
be the “big guy” in their marriage, Autumn, and after a longer search
their family, their home. Months ago realised that at last I had found a site
she told him that she wanted him to that dealt with the complexities of
be in charge, to be stronger than her, male/female love in an adult way—
to discipline her if necessary. He
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
and not in an “adult”, in-your-face, after her 20th birthday—and a lump
“See some porn pictures? Only $2.95 still comes to my throat over 33
for three days!” way. years after our wedding with the
How was it that I was searching memory of this glorious
anyway? We need to go back to girl/woman, with her golden hair
1968. I was already a rapidly rising crafted on to the top of her head,
senior physician and needed a new walking down the aisle towards me.
secretary. Like many of us in the This was really a marriage made in
1960s and certainly if one worked heaven. I had suggested to her per-
closely with armies of beautiful girls haps six months after she became
(young female doctors, nurses, phys- my secretary that she was wasted
iotherapists, secretaries and so on) doing that job, and how about col-
lots of sex and also a great deal of lege and a degree? So when we mar-
tender love were there for the ask- ried I had not only gorgeous young
ing. wife I also had an undergraduate at
I own up, I had been there, had that. Fortunately she was able to live
multiple affairs, loved many women at home while working for her de-
and, maybe, broken lots of hearts. gree.
Then, when I was 28, this young, Eventually, we wanted children.
totally unaffected, gorgeous eight- The first two pregnancies ended in
een-year-old, fresh out of secretarial miscarriages. Though as a doctor I
college came for an interview and had seen many miscarriages, I had
took the job on offer. After a while I never seen and felt the unbelievable
dropped my existing girlfriend and loss that we both went through each
started to show an interest in, I will time. Time passed and we healed
call her, M. and our first son, who bears one of
M, as she told me years later, was my pen names, was born. He bears
so pleased that her boss had begun the same genes as my great aunt
to notice her. At first I occasionally who died of cholera in WW1 while
took her to lunch to get to know her my grandfather, an ordinary Lon-
better, and eventually started dating don East-end Cockney, was fighting
her. She introduced me to serious at the front—driving ammunition
hiking and mountain walking wagons. My grandfather, as a com-
(something that over the years has mon soldier, was not allowed home
grown and grown—eventually our for the death of his beloved “Rosie”
children were walking long distanc- and as an old man in the 1960s I
es with their own walking boots at remember him still treasuring a lock
about three or four—M and I have of hair taken from her dead head...
trekked in the Himalayas, in the gorgeously auburn-red hair just like
Catalan Pyrenees, in the Bavarian that of our first son, now 28 and a
Alps and pretty well anywhere a rising star in the production of his-
good set of legs can carry a human). torical television programmes.
How I loved this girl ten years Son number two, now 26 and
younger than I. She remained a vir- down from university, is engaged to
gin until we married in church just the most loving girl he could ever
257
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
have found, a Spanish lawyer, who had always been in awe of, actually
came to England to learn our brand had been wanting to submit totally
of the mother tongue. to her man.
When M was bringing up the chil- I searched the web... the submis-
dren she wanted to stay at home and sive sites, the BDSM sites, the D/s
did until the younger was about 11. sites and on and on, but I could not
During this time she set up and ran find what M was. Of course she was
a highly successful and novel food and wanted to be and is my total
business. This she sold when she slave. Except in public, she is not
wanted to take up her profession now known by her Christian name;
again. she has her own name that she her-
M has always been successful, self chose, and which I will not re-
whatever she has done—whether peat here because it is her private
bringing up children, loving her name with me. Similarly my own
garden, walking, cycling, camping, Christian name, which is not actual-
her profession. This young beauty is ly Ben or Nathan, is not used be-
now 53 and, as I said in an earlier tween us; she calls me her master.
posting, passes easily for a 35 year Since M became my slave, our
old (no surgery, no fancy make-up, learning curve has been like an F16
just my M). going skywards, climbing exceed-
Fast forwarding over the years... ingly fast. Clotos, as she appears on
As I said in my previous article,* this site (and Clotos is another of her
after erotic “sex slave” games, and names with a special meaning to us)
after she had read The Surrendered and I made a contract about our new
Wife, by Laura Doyle, M asked to relationship and it has grown and
become my slave. We had always grown; it deepens daily. Neither of
had a totally equal relationship and us could have ever have believed
we had loved our sex-life and had a that a 53 year old woman and a 63
huge range in our glorious fantasy year old man could love like we do.
sex-life, so the sex-slave game was A love and an ownership of each
nothing new. Asking to be my slave other that just goes on deepening.
was. Though legally still my wife, Clotos
Of course I accepted but said we (who is perfectly sane and as normal
should explore it slowly, first as a as a human could ever be) is no
game. It very soon became obvious longer my wife, except for ceremo-
that this was not a game but some- nial reasons, and I am not her hus-
thing very real. something for every band: at her wish I am her master.
hour of every day. Something, I sus- Not only is she my total slave and
pect, that I had never noticed be- I her total master, I am her total
fore... that this highly intelligent, slave and she my total mistress. I
beautiful woman, whom I adored care for everything about her... her
and worshipped and in many ways health, the shopping, cooking, wash-
ing, ironing, and all the bills. In her
* “Suurendered in love,” 19 November own right she is financially quite
2003. wealthy but she now owns nothing.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
I give her a generous allowance many setbacks—to your lover. If you
which she may do what she wants too offer yourself to be owned and
with but I am trusted with absolute- enslaved, you might find, as Clotos
ly everything else to look after. has, that your shackles do not be-
It is about total trust and total love. come tighter. You might find that,
It is about understanding the par- surprisingly, they disappear alto-
adox of the totally owned, yet totally gether.150
free, slave who loves her owner and
master and in turn owns and has “ABOUT SCHMIDT: CHOOSE ENGAGEMENT,
enslaved him and is his mistress NOT WITHDRAWAL” (5 FEBRUARY 2004)
(something we have discovered to-
gether progressively since the early The recent discussion of the
part of 2002). film, Secretary, for some strange
Why have multiple lovers and lots reason reminded me of another,
of different sex games when you are albeit very different film, About
with the person who knows all those Schmidt. In it, Jack Nicholson por-
different lovers within herself and trays the recently retired Warren
within her partner and also all the Schmidt who is left with nothing but
games (and yet more), after years of time on his hands. The film's open-
being together? Anyone who needs ing scenes show him suffering
help might try the books by Nancy through a meaningless retirement
Friday. dinner. His relationship with his
Perhaps the closest model of our wife Helen is nothing more than one
love is still that which we repeated of duty and obligation.
in our marriage vows in 1970. Alt- Upon his retirement he and his
hough we did not use the word wife decide to go on a trip in a Win-
“obey”, Clotos knows now that she nebago. For Warren this is not a
will only gain the deeper and deeper journey of self-discovery because
insights of our gorgeous better love after 40 years of an empty marriage
if she follows three simple rules in and meaningless work there is no
regard to her enslavement to me: one to find. It is not even a matter of
care, love, and obedience, rules curiosity about what is around the
which I follow in my enslavement to next bend. His only reason for going
her. on this trip is because there is noth-
If you want to call this TPE, fi- ing else to do. When his wife sud-
ne, D/s, fine, BDSM, fine... but it just denly dies Warren is astonished and
doesn't seem to be any of that. What bereft, not at his loss, but that he had
we have is ours and I can only hope so little to lose.
that anyone reading this will not just It was Thoreau who famously ob-
laugh and think, “What a couple of served, “the mass of men lead lives
nutters” but instead, will try risking of quiet desperation.” Schmidt is
such an exploration in their own life. such a man. Most of the movie fol-
Why not try, as Clotos very bravely lows Warren through a series of
did, giving yourself, totally, with no misadventures as he rather weakly
holding back—and it takes time and
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
tries to build a relationship with his appreciate our true selves. She revels
soon-to-be-married daughter. At this in my masculine nature and I revel
point in her life she is unwilling in her feminine nature. Our relative
even to try to fix their damaged rela- inequality—my being dominant and
tionship. She has given up on their her being submissive—allows us to
relationship because she has come to experience a passion and romance
expect from him nothing more than unlike any I have ever experienced.
disappointment. As we have explored this side of
Even more pathetically, he ourselves we have come to what
“adopts” a six-year-old African child feels like to us a very natural way of
through a world children's charity being together.
organization. In his letters to this The one thing that struck me about
child, who probably can't read them this movie was that Schmidt could
or understand the angst of a middle very well be me. It is oh so easy to
class American, he spills out his withdraw from the relationship. I
fears and discontent. What is so piti- did that very thing in my first failed
ful is that this non-relationship must marriage. I intend to not make the
substitute for a real one. same mistake again. I believe mar-
Even though this film is meant to riage is our most important relation-
be a comedy, About Schmidt is es- ship. If it is not good, then every-
sentially a portrait of a man without thing else suffers—our work, our
qualities, baffled by the emotions family, and our outlook on life. I
and needs of others. Although there believe that men must take the lead
are some funny moments, the film is and commit themselves to their mar-
at heart tragic. riages. It is amazing to discover how
So what does this have to do with a woman will respond if the man
Taken In Hand? I have come to un- takes the lead and remains actively
derstand that, not unlike the charac- involved in the relationship. I have
ters in Secretary, many of us are discovered the truth of this for my-
striving to live a life with intent. self.
Perhaps we have been wounded by In his allegorical novel The Great
the vagaries of life too. What we Divorce, C.S. Lewis argues that peo-
hope to discover about ourselves ple make their own hell. It is not
and within our relationships may in what God has done to you, but what
some ways be unconventional. Of you have chosen for yourself. The
course, one could rightfully ask novel depicts hell as something we
what is conventional—a life like create by separating ourselves from
Schmidt's? Whatever we call our relationship and community. We
relationship style, it is about engag- choose withdrawal instead of en-
ing our partner in a relationship that gagement. Schmidt's empty life,
is alive and that matters. It is about devoid of real relationships, is a liv-
finding within our selves a depth ing hell of his own making.151
that has gone untapped.
As we have grown older, my wife
and I have come to discover and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
“THE SURRENDERED WIFE, BY LAURA her husband's natural inclination to
take charge—even if it is over her
DOYLE: A CRITIQUE” (9 FEBRUARY 2004) objections. In this regard, she puts
everything on the table—including
Although our level of intimacy is
the fact that she surrenders her will
similar and length of marriage is
to his.
analogous to that described by Ben,
It follows then that her willingness
my wife knew before we married
to take a spanking is symbolic of the
that she needed a man to take her in
woman's new attitude. She realizes
hand.
that spanking is as much about ac-
Ben's reference to Laura
ceptance and security as it is about
Doyle's The Surrendered Wife caught
power.
my attention because closet femi-
When a woman is willing to truly
nists sometimes claim Doyle's sur-
surrender, a curious reversal occurs.
rendered wife to never be in need of
What was once an inconvenient rit-
spanking—a subject which Doyle
ual to be endured as a child becomes
conveniently avoids.
a liberating experience. That which
Moreover, I find Doyle's version of
was once an article of faith in an
the surrendered wife is disingenu-
angry politically correct diatribe is
ous on its face. According to Doyle's
now little more than a stumbling
cult classic, the surrendered wife
block to intimacy.
need not tell her husband that she
Despite the objections above,
has surrendered her will to his. Alt-
Doyle's book is worth reading.152
hough Doyle offers many genuinely
good ideas, this lack of openness
allows the woman to retain power— “THE COMING BATTLE” (11 FEBRUARY
power that she can withdraw at any- 2004)
time. Thus, Doyle's surrendered wife
is free to manipulate him in a new I have come here secretly, seeking
dimension. knowledge. It took me a long time to
Even ignoring the above, an equal- find Taken in Hand and I'm grateful
ly troublesome issue emerges. Cen- for the information. I need some
tral to Doyle's concept is the belief insight into my husband's rising
that if the woman surrenders, the dominant behaviors, and I need to
man will as well. It is as if Doyle know why it makes me want him so
believes that the invisible hand of much. I need to know what he's go-
mutual surrender will always keep ing to do next, and after reading the
the marriage upright. Marriages are articles posted here, it is becoming
seldom as neat and clean as Doyle clear.
portrays them. Those that are, all too I have been unable to express or
often degenerate into roommate even acknowledge my spiritual and
relationships. sexual needs; but my husband is
The difference between Doyle's discovering them, and he is going to
surrendered wife and the Taken In give me what I been asking for all
Hand wife is that the latter accepts along. I must be prepared.

261
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Writing is my way of analyzing a stem. Each sister was exotically dif-
situation. Elsewhere, I have written ferent from the others—our mixed-
an erotic story, unbeknownst to my race ancestry birthed redheads,
husband, and posted it anonymous- blondes, brunettes. All gorgeous,
ly out there on the net. It helped me and all “wild-cats.” My family tree
to clarify my desires, but it also dis- openly bears the fruit—and the
turbed me—so much so, that I won't scars—of their relationships, for
show him the story. He would have many men came to pluck the roses
too much power knowing these se- for their own garden. Our women
crets, some of which he has not yet surrender (submit is not a word we
discovered. are allowed to use) to men they both
Regardless of my efforts to hide respected and loved, strong men
my desires, he is doggedly uncover- with strong hearts and strong spirits
ing my secrets, on his own, and it to match. But woe to the men who
worries me. Why should I want his could not tame one of the “seven
dominance, his leadership, his firm- sisters” of Collin County! They
ness? Why is he taking on this battle, would be broken, and left for men
the one to take his dominance to the who could.
next level? I am my mother's daughter, and I
Why am I praying he does take it thank God that my father found her,
to the next level? for he was the only man to whom
My husband doesn't know she would ever willingly surrender.
about Taken in Hand, but this site Another man had tried to bend
evidently knows him, and men like Mother to his will, but his heavy-
him, because it describes him inti- handed beatings were a sign of
mately—a man who leads, and a weakness, not strength, so she left
woman who follows because he's the brute. Not with his permission,
worthy of her admiration. But men of course. She escaped, and soon
aren't supposed to lead anymore, landed in the arms of my father,
and women aren't supposed to want who made sure she never had to
that anymore. At least that's what deal with such treatment ever again.
the world tells me. But this site tells Never did I hear my father raise my
me there are other women like me. I voice to my mother, and yet, she
thought there was something wrong respected and loved him so that she
with me—that I was the only wom- would do anything he asked. Maybe
an left of a dying breed... with fussing, but it was always quiet
The only way to describe my her- fussing!
itage is Texan. The women of our I was blessed to grow up in such a
family were—and still are—widely house, and foolishly, I wanted what
known as beautiful, intelligent, spir- they had. The strength, the commit-
ited, and unabashedly sexual. My ment, and the understanding of a
mother and her sisters (seven in all) strong man for a strong woman's
were likened to the “Seven Sisters needs. But I could not find it.
Rose” of the Texas plains—a plant I had mistaken coldness and arro-
with seven roses blooming along it's gance for strength. My mistake cost
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me dearly, for instead of strength, n't do exactly what he wanted. To
my chosen husband's arrogance hid ease the anxiety I went to my first
numerous affairs. I had been a virgin big-city poetry reading, on a lark.
when we married, (so famously that “Paladin” (for that is what I shall
at my high school they threatened to call him here) still likes to tell how
“sacrifice” me as the last one), so it he first saw me—I looked hopelessly
was hard for me to imagine that a “small town”, with my long red hair
man who wanted such a “good girl” and flower-print dress. I was read-
would give himself to other married ing a poem I had written about love,
women. I bore the emotional and abuse, and fear; at the end I threw
spiritual abuse that such adultery down the book and stomped on it!
generates, for our little daughter This, he says, intrigued him. I, for
loved him so. But at last the abuse my part, was also intrigued by the
began to become physical, and one dangerous-looking tall Texan with
night I left with only my six-year-old wild black hair and piercing eyes,
daughter, and a brown paper bag of but I wasn't interested in going any
clothing. All the rest I left to my now further than intrigue. He was seven
ex-husband and his new soon-to-be years younger than me, and I felt
wife... that was too young. I had grown
I was free, and I had my daughter. used to young men approaching me,
That was all I needed to start my for even at thirty-one I was ap-
new life. I continued my teaching peared much younger; and at less
career, glad that it afforded me the than five feet tall, I looked like I was
ability to be with my child whenever still in high school. I knew how to
she needed me, and I savored inde- end this, though.
pendence. But I was so lonely! I showed him my driver's license,
It wasn't that men were not inter- and pointed out my age. It didn't
ested. They were, and they ap- work. I pulled out my daughter's
proached me regularly, but I was picture, and waved it at him like an
afraid of failure. I simply refused to amulet to ward off demons. No luck.
date. I asked God to lead me to a He escorted me home. I told him I
man who would meet my needs for didn't believe in premarital sex, and
a strong gentle man, and my daugh- I asked him if he'd like to pray with
ter's needs for a daddy—and God me. He did, then he finally left. But
answered by making me wait. I he showed up the next morning
waited for three years... with a frying pan and food. He had
When God's man finally found me, determined that I was starving to
I was reading poetry for a wild death and needed nourishment, be-
crowd in a downtown coffee shop. cause he had already seen my refrig-
My daughter was out of town with erator and knew that teachers don't
my ex-husband and his new family, make much money. I relented, be-
and I was afraid that he would soon cause I was hungry. He could
attempt to take her permanently. My cook—and I couldn't! By the end of
ex-husband was always threatening the evening, he had me hopelessly in
to do that, and much worse if I did- love. By the end of two weeks, he
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had introduced me to his parents. By overwhelming responsibilities had
the end of the month, he had faced enslaved. Protective, nurturing, con-
down my ex-husband, and gotten fident, he was eager to take on re-
my daughter back. On Valentine's sponsibilities I had come to dread.
Day, he proposed. I have been Pala- Fixing cars, building toys, making
din's woman ever since he first laid money, cooking dinner—he could
eyes on me. But that is only the be- literally do it all. He wanted these
ginning of my long seduction... responsibilities, and he was taking
Perhaps he understood that in this them for his own. I also had respon-
politically correct world, men are sibilities, but they now were of my
not supposed to be dominant, and own choosing—thanks to Paladin. I
women are not supposed to want to was now able to work metal, to sing,
them to be so. I myself was ashamed to write, to stay home with my
of my feelings, of my need for a daughter—and to finally have a son.
dominating, confident lover. I had I myself have been blissfully in
grown up loving my Father, loving denial of Paladin's rising dominance
John Wayne, and I wanted to be in my life. It has occurred like a
taken in hand, to be helped, to have long, slow, deliberate seduction, one
the security of knowing that no one planned long in advance. He makes
would hurt me or my child if only a a living by observing others, and his
strong man were there. I wanted a ability to observe my strengths and
man I could depend upon. But while weaknesses has given him an ad-
single, I had to take care of my little vantage in this seduction. Secrets I
family in everything, and I was at thought were only mine were readi-
least competent. I had accepted the ly apparent to him, and he's very
fact that my needs were subverted, good at tapping into my suppressed
or perhaps even perverted; I thought eroticism. What started out as tick-
I had suppressed all those longings. ling became wrestling, then gentle
How odd, then that Paladin was control, then much more...
able to see through it all. He has such wonderful hands, and
I am in my heart an artist, a singer, his presence is so overwhelming,
a poet; but I had to care for my child. that he is able to just do whatever he
Artists, singers, and poets don't wants. He's a modern-day Marlboro
make much money, and I still feel a man in suit, tie, and cowboy boots—
need to take on the responsibility of and that masculine image is more
financing us. Paladin started down than skin deep. It's a reality that
the path to gentle leadership by let- makes what he does to me seem so
ting it be known that he could—and natural, and yet so bad, and yet, it
would—take care of us as we need- feels so good. There has to be some-
ed. If I wanted to work it should be thing wrong with me...
to follow my heart's desire, not to fill This is my weakness, and I can't
our pockets. After I finally was able fight it. I love what he does. I love
to accept that, he began to subtly the feeling he gives me, and it makes
introduce other elements, setting me scared and sinfully delighted at
free the little things in myself that the same time. Paladin knows this,
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
and he knows I would never say all marriages, there are missteps, but
anything about what I really, secret- in response to Paladin's missteps, I
ly want. So he found out about it, panicked. I was so blinded by my
and made me want it. He made me own fears that I could not accept the
say it. And it seems to be just a little path he had chosen. I did not trust
part of the whole big picture that he him. I saw his dedication to his vi-
has in mind. sion as a failure, a sign of weakness,
Even now, I really can't say it—I'm and a case for me to take leadership
still so embarrassed by it. I can't talk of this family once and for all—with
about what I really want. That's just or without him. I would not accept
me. I almost wish I could tell you, “no”; he told me “no” anyway.
for surely you would be jealous to I rose up like a storm and threat-
hear of it, how he does it, what he ened to take the whole house down
says to make me completely and with me—but patiently, and admit-
totally his. It seems so strange, and it ting his own missteps, Paladin has
makes me feel wicked for wanting it. weathered the storm. And the end
His enjoyment of it makes me nerv- result? His path led to an opportuni-
ous, but I love it so I can't hide it, ty I would have thrown away: more
and he is now in the process of mak- money than we've ever made before,
ing me ask for it. He knows what I and a chance for him to be what he
want, and he is going to make is called to be. But Paladin has evi-
sure I know what I want. But I'm dently come to the conclusion that I
afraid this is only the tip of the ice- need help in managing this need for
berg. What was once a forbidden leadership. His assessment may be
treat has now become a staple of my right—but I'm still not quite able to
erotic diet—and he is about to intro- admit it myself. I'm still not ready to
duce an entire new way of feeding claim my heritage.
our relationship. It is necessary, but That heritage? On the plains of
I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Texas, a woman had to be strong so
I recognize his way now—he is in- she could livelong enough to find a
troducing, step by slow step, the man—someone strong enough to
way he wants me to go. He is firmly raise a family, make a home, make
and deliberately pushing in the di- love grow. This was necessary for
rection he has determined will be survival in a hard world. This world
best for us and for our family—and always has been hard, and we've
unfortunately for my ego, he is right. just been reminded of how hard it is,
He may have moments of doubt, yet again. A man must be stronger
fear, and uncertainty, but he is than even a strong woman might be,
still right—and he is still moving because according to my husband,
forward in the direction he has cho- “a man's got to do what a man's got
sen for us to go. And therein lies the to do”. I have a job to do, but so does
battle... Paladin. A man who's not stronger
In the face of post-September 11 than me isn't going to make it in this
difficulties and uncertainties, I have world, because it's taken every bit of
become demanding and insecure. In strength for me to get this far—but I
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have proven how strong I am. Now I have no doubt that Paladin will
want to prove how strong Paladin is. win...153
It's a high standard, but one I need
to embrace, if I am to be true to my- “DOES IT HAVE TO HURT TO BE TAKEN IN
self. HAND?” (12 FEBRUARY 2004)
Worried, I myself have told Pala-
din that he should think of my fami- Since discovering Taken In Hand a
ly's “feminine warrior” culture as a few months ago, I've been trying to
game—one where he just has to stay get a handle on what it means to me.
on top of the mountain lest I push I can relate to many of the articles.
him off. He looked at me with all However, those articles don't hit
seriousness and told me “I don't dead center for me. The one that
play games”. No, this isn't a game— comes closet is the boss's “I don't
and I'm a little scared. But wickedly, want to be a servant or slave.” In my
he's tied his dominance to my secret view, Taken In Hand is not about
erotic and heretofore “forbidden” servitude, or enslavement, or a mar-
desires; I don't want to want it, but I tinet's discipline. Taken In Hand to
can't help it. He wants it, but for a me is more like a dance. The man
different reason. He plans on being leads, guiding both across the floor,
the man in this family... but with each step she chooses to
We're going to see if he's man follow or not. She follows because
enough to take me. she trusts him to guide them both
What was once just for play is now through the swirling, ever-changing
for real. I have been desperately crowd of dancers.
searching for something to tell me Is this taking a lover in hand? I be-
what is going on in his mind, and I lieve it is. Fundamentally, Taken In
believe this web site is closer to his Hand is the consensual surrendering
mind-set than anything else out of some personal sovereignty to an-
there. There is no strange acronym other. Sovereignty is the quality or
for a man taking the helm of in his authority of being independent and
own family. There is no shame for a in charge of the conditions you live
woman realizing that she was never under. When you surrender sover-
sentenced to do it all on her own. eignty, you give another person the
There is no name for this desire we power to control some, if not all, of
share—he knows what he wants, he the conditions you live under. Real-
has found out what I want, and he is istically, we negotiate our level of
bringing those desires together. personal sovereignty in every inter-
I'm not sure what my surrender is action with another person and that
going to bring, but it's not quite here level is in constant flux. To be taken
yet—but it's coming, and the battle in hand is to allow some of your
could be epic. This is a battle be- most intimate conditions to be influ-
tween what the world has told me I enced. Influenced rather than con-
want, and what my heart has told trolled, as you can always refuse to
me I want. If Paladin wins, I win. follow. This influence requires the
And he's the man I think he is, I
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
most intimate connection between when and even if, Mr Grey took Lee
the individuals. Deep trust is re- in hand.
quired and that can only come in It seems to me that when he tells
response to absolute and unassaila- her to stop the cutting, that is when
ble concern for you. It is this connec- he takes her in hand. When he
tion that is the fundamental element brings up the cutting, she stiffens,
of Taken In Hand. preparing to be judged, to be ques-
The different views of Taken In tioned about what she is thinking, to
Hand are simply manifestations of resist. But he doesn't order her to
this connection. Service, slavery, stop, he doesn't tell her that she
control, or discipline are all ways to should stop, he simply tells her, qui-
maintain the connection between the etly, that she's done with that.
two individuals. Each creates a sense I believe this is why she complies.
of intimate sovereignty being sur- An order would imply she should
rendered. With each service per- do it for him, telling her she should
formed, each command obeyed, get a hold of herself would imply
each spank received, the sensation she should take control of her ac-
that you no longer control all the tions when in reality the cutting is
conditions you live under is enliv- how she feels control, but the way
ened. My feeling is that the connec- he just looks at her and says to stop,
tion can also be asserted through screams “I'm here to help you put
“care”. Can the sensation of surren- that behind you.”
der not be sparked by being bathed, We see Lee hesitate, almost panic
being held, being massaged, being at the thought of losing her crutch,
caressed, or having your coat but- to her surprise she agrees. The
toned? True, these are all things that voiceover after also implies that she
might be desired or even demanded, isn't sure why or how she stopped.
but then so are spankings or serving She simply states that she stopped
another. The difference is attitude bringing her kit to work, eventually
and timing. The difference is submit- tossing it away.
ting to being bathed, or being held, To me this is Taken In Hand. Being
or being spanked, etc., even when Taken In Hand is having someone
you'd rather not. Submitting by you allow to tell you to stop. To stop
choice because you don't want to doing something that isn't in your
break the connection by refusing. best interest. Something that inter-
Choice of submission is also key: feres with your happiness, but more
you must choose to submit; force or importantly your contentment. They
coercion destroys the connection, don't order you to stop. They don't
breaking the trust. tell you that you have to stop your-
So what does being taken in hand self. They simply acknowledge what
look like? Is it being tossed over a you are doing and tell you not to do
knee for sound spanking? Is it being it. They see you. They see the real
commanded to do something? The you and care enough infringe your
recent discussion about the personal sovereignty, to cross the
film Secretary caused me to consider invisible borders we all have, to dare
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
to attempt to influence the most in- is not the act, it's the reason. It's not
timate conditions you live under. being bathed, it's allowing yourself
They cannot use force but rather can to be put in the tub to be washed or
only create opportunity and offer to relax. It's not the act of deferring
assistance that you are free to take to a decision, it's trusting someone to
advantage of or not. decide because you trust that the
Sounds simple? It's not! From the decision will be in your interest.
day we are born, we start fighting to Taken In Hand is not glancing at
become independent beings. A two someone for permission, it is being
year old ventures further and fur- concerned how a choice affects that
ther from their mother. A teenager person. It is the connection the acts
works hard to have a life separate build and support.
from their parents. Giving up even This is my view of Taken In Hand.
some of this independence can be Submission, not by obedience, disci-
almost impossible. But while we pline, or control, but by the surren-
strive to be independent, we also dering of small parts of your inde-
long for someone we have a deep pendence to the care of another.
connection with, for that one person Taken In Hand is a way to keep this
whom we allow to influence the surrender fresh and alive. Taken In
conditions we live under, for that Hand is a multitude of small acts
one person who knows and accepts that daily confirm the surrender of
our true self. For someone who sovereignty. Taken In Hand is drop-
“gets” us. ping all your walls to allow the most
Interestingly, you cannot influence intimate conditions you live under
someone's personal sovereignty to be influenced by another. It is
without surrendering some of your trusting another to care for you most
own sovereignty. You cannot main- intimately, it's caring enough for
tain influence over the most intimate another that they trust you with
conditions of another without fully their most intimate self.154
accepting the enormity of the re-
sponsibility. That responsibility “EACH RELATIONSHIP IS A UNIQUE WORK
changes the conditions that you live IN PROGRESS” (13 FEBRUARY 2004)
under. Taken In Hand simply
acknowledges that there is a natural My Missy and I have learned so
tendency for men and women to be much from reading Taken In Hand.
toward a particular side of this equa- We use it as a reference in exploring
tion. ideas and concepts that others have
Taken In Hand need not involve experienced and commented on. We
domination and submission or even marvel at the variety of individuals
corporal discipline. It can be realized and couples who participate here,
in small innocuous acts. A glance to and we enjoy hearing about what
confirm assent, being bathed, being other folks are doing to improve the
massaged, deferring the final deci- depth of their love for each other.
sion, are all small acts that affect our
independence. Being taken in hand
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
The relationships are described on companies the first steps in trust,
Taken In Hand remind me of one of and other components necessary to
my favorite foods. If you've ever create the relationship that the cou-
visited New Orleans, you may have ple seeks.
had the opportunity to try a bowl Each relationship is quite different.
of Gumbo. This delicious meal is a bit But who is to say that the warm
like a soup, but also a bit like a stew. aroma of one relationship is better
But what's interesting about Gumbo than that of another, or that the reci-
is that it is a concoction of so many pe for happiness in one couple is
ingredients: a little shrimp, a crab exactly what is needed for all? While
claw, maybe a piece of chicken, per- we are grateful for the concepts that
haps some sausage, possibly some we have learned from reading Taken
okra, and maybe some other com- In Hand, one of the most important
ponents known only to the cook. things we have learned is not to copy
One thing's for sure, when you someone else's recipe. We have
walk into the kitchen and get a whiff learned that the relationships de-
of the aroma, you know that some- scribed in the articles
thing good is on the stove. No two are dynamic and that they are ever
Gumbos are the same, but each moving. We all build our own sys-
tastes good to those who eat it, hav- tem, reach for our own needs, and
ing been made to suit that family or blaze our own trails—because the
restaurant. Even when a recipe is journey is as important as the desti-
passed down from generation to nation.155
generation, the recipe isn't cloned,
but seems to be modified, if ever so “WHAT I GET OUT OF IT” (15 FEBRUARY
slightly, to have its own flavor, to 2004)
become its own work of art.
What we have learned from read- In the past, I always felt I had to
ing Taken In Hand is that the rela- suppress my natural tendency to
tionships that we have observed control. Where then, I would keep
have a common thread, a similar things to myself so as not to rock the
base, and most have many of the boat (at great cost to myself, it has to
same ingredients. However, we have be said), now that I'm with my Lady
also noticed that each relationship is Love, there's a huge sense of free-
a work in progress with similar but dom and power. Where before, I
not identical ingredients. We have was half a man, if that, now I am
seen couples taking the risk of pos- free to be the man I have always
sible rejection, cultivating a desire dreamed of being. It's an intense
for deeper levels of intimacy, intro- feeling of freedom, love, gratitude,
ducing various levels and types of and yes, power.
discipline, one partner lovingly When we're walking down the
submitting to her loving, dominant street holding hands like young lov-
man. We have seen the search for ers, I know she's mine, she belongs
new, or more intense, communica- to me, and it's a great feeling.
tion, dealing with the fear that ac-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
When she gets out of hand and I do with my wellbeing, you're just be-
take her in hand, and she cries and ing mean!”
screams but still presents her butt to R: (grabs me by arm and marches
me upstairs all the while I'm wailing
me, never once getting up and leav-
and yelling)
ing the room, always submitting, S: “I'm sorry Robert, I'm sor-
consenting, the connection I feel to ry....please don't leave me, I'm sorry I
her is intense, both emotional and can't help myself, I'm so afraid you're
sexual. going to leave me because I'm so aw-
Best of all, I get to be the head of ful.”
the household and have things how R: (pushes me down on the bed and
I want them in my own home, and begins spanking me): “I will NEVER
(SPANK!) EVER (SPANK!) leave you,
my Lady Love LIKES it that way. I
but I can't wait for the day (SPANK!)
have it all: peace, order and harmo- when you stop testing me in this
ny, and great sex and a loving bond. way.” (SPANK!)
What man could ask for more?156
Finally, one day, I got outside my-
“CHANGE OF HEART” (17 FEBRUARY self enough to see Robert's face dur-
2004) ing one of these spankings. It was
determined, and tired and a little
You might want to read “First year sad. And finally something like a
trials”* before reading this article. shell around me shattered and my
*** heart swelled with peace: I finally
[The] boss, you ask† about the pro- realized that 1. Robert meant that he
cess of letting go of the testing and would never, ever leave me and 2. I
settling down, and I've had to think was exhausting him and 3. I wanted
about it in order to answer. to be a better submissive to him.
What would happen was this: It really did stop pretty suddenly, I
Robert would exercise his authority think. I think in that moment of
in some way and I would hit the epiphany during that particular
roof! It would go something like spanking I saw a real man who real-
this: ly loved me and that I was hurting
him. And when I would get trig-
R: “Susiejoy, it's time to go to bed. gered after that, I would remember
Shut off the computer and go upstairs that moment, and it would sober me
now, and I'll come and tuck you in.” and stop me from letting go into
S: “NO! I'm not READY to go to
rage. Perhaps it was allowing the
bed! I'll go to bed in a while!”
R: “NOW, Susie.” reality of Robert's steadfast love
S: “I hate this! You just want me out (and good right arm!) to temper my
of your hair! This has NOTHING to fears and resentments. Perhaps it
was realizing that Robert
*“First year trials,” 10 November 2003.
was really going to be in charge, and
† See: that my tantrums wouldn't stop him
<https://web.archive.org/web/2013012 from exercising his authority. Per-
8061225/http://www.takeninhan- haps it was letting go of the internal
d.com/first.year.trials#comment-152>
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Fantasy Dominant and embracing Many of us learn over time that it
the real one beside me. In any case, really does not matter if the woman
obedience is a hellof a lot easier now, needs to be spanked or the husband
almost second nature. And I've needs to spank her, such as Blush
grown to adore and trust my hus- and King describe. Another thing
band so much my desire to have him that happens, and I personally be-
proud of me outweighs any frustra- lieve it must happen more often than
tions that obedience brings.157 it is reported, is that an original dis-
ruption in a relationship starts with
“IT'S NOT ABOUT BLAME, SO FORGET FAIR- the husband, not the wife. Yet it is
NESS!” (18 FEBRUARY 2004) “fair” to spank the wife only when
the disruption shows up in her be-
The King wrote:* havior which eventually it surely
will. Why would we want to wait
I'll add my thanks to Blush for this that long? Why should the husband
stimulating post.† I too find it a good not act first to spank her when he
way to unwind after a stressful day, already knows taking this control
and my wife loves it. We also find it a will enrich them both?
good way for me to get out my irrita-
If we believe the ultimate intent of
tion or anger when there's a problem.
It was my wife that persuaded me discipline is to enrich intimacy, not
this is OK. I was worried by it but she to blame our wife for the problem,
was adamant this is one of the main then it only makes sense that the
benefits of a relationship in which need for discipline can originate
discipline is sanctioned. What do oth- from either partner. I think this is
ers think? recognized by both Blush and King
and I believe by many others who
I think this is right. One of the share the head of the house-
main things I read from women and hold/HORdynamic.158
men alike, and a recurring problem
for many beginning in Intimate Dis-
“OFFERING AN OLIVE BRANCH” (18
cipline, is the concept that spanking
for discipline must be “fair.” We're FEBRUARY 2004)
not supposed to spank her unless
Last night my husband and I went
she “deserves” it. Well, that is one
out for a meal and ended up missing
approach, but I have seen so many
our last train home so decided to
times when this fundamental tenet
treat ourselves to a night at the Ritz!
of “fairness” is more of a problem
It was great until we decided to
than an enhancement.
couple that with another bottle of
wine and got into an argument. I
know that after a certain amount to
* See: drink I get stroppy and say things to
<https://web.archive.org/web/2013012 be provocative in a very negative
8065117/http://www.takeninhan- way. I'm not even sure what it was
d.com/to.let.go#comment-18> that I said last night. My husband
† ‘To let go,” 28 September 2003.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
was obviously furious and also up- “IS HE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS... OR NOT?”
set by whatever it was I'd said but I
didn't back down and stormed off to
(20 FEBRUARY 2004)
bed. He was so angry that he decid- A good guy...
ed to go find another room and it - listens to dissent
took me about seven calls to his mo- - negotiates—tries to reach agree-
bile to get him to come back and ment
listen to my apology. He listened but - can take a little criticism
was cleary very angry and I could - won't call you controlling to shut
feel him withdrawing from me, I you up and stop you expressing
was stuck because I had completely your criticism/dissatisfaction, etc.
lost any memory of whatever it was - is not hypersensitive
I had been going on about. - doesn't get angry too much
So, I laid myself across his knee - is reliable
and said I knew that I deserved it. - doesn't jerk you around
He gave me the hardest spanking of - doesn't yank your chain
my life—he had to stop because his - doesn't needle you
hand was so sore. When he stopped, - doesn't treat you disrespectfully
I again said I was sorry, he accepted and then complain that you are not
my apology and said that was an showing HIM the proper respect
end to it. - doesn't put you down
This morning at breakfast I asked - tries to build you up, not intro-
him if I had done the right thing or duce self-doubt in you
whether he felt I should have waited - doesn't lay down conditions on
for him to tell me I was going to be being in the relationship with you
punished. He felt very clearly that it - respects things in your life that
was the right thing for me to do, he are important to you
was even perceptive enough to rec- - adds to your life and happiness
ognise the extreme mental blocks I - admits and apologizes when he
had to overcome to get to the point has made a mistake.
of laying myself over his knee and
accepting a spanking voluntarily, he Jerk clues to watch out for (Walk
spanked me very, very hard and away even if only a couple of these
although he would normally restrain apply!):
me because I always struggle and - can't take criticism
want to pull away, last night he did- - He calls YOU controlling.
n't and I had to to overcome a huge (SOUND THE ALARM!)
internal struggle in order to continue - He has a bad temper/he's vola-
with my “offering.” tile/gets angry about things.
It worked though. But then again I - He can't tolerate dissent.
think an olive branch is always one - If only you would just do as he
of the most successful healers.159 says, everything would be fine and
you'd be happy.

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- It's all your fault whenever any- with their own trailer load in tow. A
thing goes wrong, as anyone can see. man with baggage was definitely off
(NOT) limits. I wanted a man with no kids,
- You're always the one being “un- no previous marriages, no bad rela-
reasonable”, never him. tionships, no hang-ups, no issues,
- He either never admits that he's heck, no personality. I had pretty
wrong, or offers profuse apologies much excluded about 100% of the
for his mistake... only to do some- population.
thing even worse next time. So what exactly is baggage and
- He isolates you from your friends why are we so dead set against it?
and family. Everyone is out to get What is this obsession we have for it,
him, or crazy, or an unsuitable or lack thereof? Perhaps it's selfish-
friend for you to have. He makes it a ness or laziness in dealing with extra
loyalty thing. Him or them. Pick problems. Maybe it's a fear of seeing
them. ourselves in someone else; maybe
- Your self esteem has suffered. it's just a whole new can of worms
You used to be confident and happy; we aren't capable of dealing with.
now you're not. We all have our own protective
- When he's loving, he's exception- mechanisms, and our means of cop-
ally loving. The good times stand ing with various circumstances are
out in your mind as being a slice of very diverse. But we've all had is-
heaven. sues, and everyone has so-called
- If a friend or family member baggage.
you're close to has expressed con- As I've grown and matured, my
cerns that you don't seem happy, opinions on certain things have
and is worried that your relationship changed dramatically. I'm now in
is not good for you, don't ignore my early 30s and my outlook on life
their concerns. Try to be honest with is that of someone who's been
yourself. Could they be right? Fami- around the block a couple of times. I
ly and close friends can often see am an ever-evolving individual and
that all is not well long before we I am more assertive about express-
can. Even if your guy is not a jerk, he ing myself than ever before. There
might nevertheless be bad for you. are certain things that get my goat,
That matters too. A relationship and frankly this “baggage” thing is
should make you happier, not less one of them. So let me vent.
happy.160 Baggage is another label which
immediately devalues a person's life
“DON'T TELL ME TO LEAVE MY BAGGAGE AT experiences; it belittles their chal-
THE DOOR” (21 FEBRUARY 2004) lenges and hardships. Experiences
we collect on our journey through
For many years I have struggled life add to our personalities and give
with my “baggage”. Lugging it us character. They bestow us with
around with me everywhere, I cer- strength. The adage “that which
tainly didn't want to meet anyone doesn't kill us only makes us strong-
er” springs to mind. Challenges
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push us to our limits; they stretch explains some otherwise puzzling
our boundaries and encourage our facts and paradoxes.
tenacity. Hardships we all endure at Why, people often ask, is real pun-
some time or other facilitate adept- ishment or discipline (spanking,
ness and adaptability; they instill in caning, cropping, paddling, switch-
us survival. They have the ability to ing, whipping, etc.) erotic even
change the face of innocence; they though it can be extremely painful
form the mortar of the walls we and anything but erotic while it is
build to protect our vulnerable happening? And why do Taken In
hearts; and they precipitate the infi- Hand folk often (though not in all
nite loss of trust. cases) find so-called erotic spanking
So don't tell me to leave my bag- decidedly unerotic? Why do some
gage at the door. It is my rucksack (but not all) Taken In Hand folk find
full of the very essence of me. My maintenance spanking lacking,
entire substance lives within—my somehow? Is punishment spanking
love, anger, fear, vulnerability, ela- a Taken In Hand woman like spank-
tion, innocence, regret. It holds ing a child? If being punished is
memories of past woes and dreams erotic, surely that means it is just a
of future exuberances. It is every- game?! If being physically taken in
thing I've learned, everything that hand is erotic, how can it possibly
I've lost and also gained. It is all of effect changes in behaviour? If the
who I am and I cannot, will not woman loves being punished, surely
leave it behind. So don't ask me. she will act up to get more punish-
Instead invite me inside with my ment? So wouldn't it be better to
baggage and we'll unpack it togeth- find some other means of punish-
er. I'll place my experiences and ment that she would genuinely hate?
struggles right there beside yours. I How can giving her something she
may be timid at first, I may not trust craves help?! How can spanking
you enough to share, but with time possibly help couples solve prob-
and understanding our love will be lems?!162
strength enough to carry the load.
The burden of both yours and mine “A BREAKDOWN ON THE ROAD TO INTIMA-
will be ours to share. Together.161 CY” (22 FEBRUARY 2004)

“WHY IS REAL PUNISHMENT SPANKING The path to intimacy isn't always

EROTIC?” (22 FEBRUARY 2004) smooth. There are bumps, obstacles,
stop signs and potholes. In our
Why is real punishment spanking twenty years of marriage, Missy and
erotic? I have navigated our share of these
Many Taken In Hand folk do not obstacles, but recently, using Taken
use physical discipline or punish- In Hand articles to guide us, we
ment in their relationship. But for have been working to smooth out
those who do, this series of articles the road ahead by increasing the

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intimacy between us and making She is sometimes very prideful (as I
what was very good even better. am), and doesn't like being told that
We started off like a world-class she is not perfect, and that I wasn't
sprinter out of the starting blocks, very happy (remember, we were
went a ways, got a cramp here and probably both a bit grumpy, tired,
there that slowed us down, but kept etc.) about the decision. Unfortu-
going, then settled into a pretty good nately, although I was trying to do
pace for a long distance race. the best thing I could at the time, in
Then we hit a snag. It was a con- trying to avoid getting into a big
flict. Missy was upset. She had made discussion about it, I probably inad-
a commitment for us as a couple vertently exacerbated Missy's dis-
without first checking with me, and tress, and her refusal to drop the
she was upset because she thought matter in turn made me feel ha-
that I would be angry with her. She rangued and annoyed. This then
had indeed made a mistake. Don't made her fear a disciplinary session
get me wrong. Missy is a free think- over my knee.
er, an intelligent woman, and these This fear of discipline threw her in-
are qualities that I cherish in her. But to a tizzy. I was shocked and gravely
my time and role in the commitment alarmed. This did not reflect well on
was substantial so I should indeed how she was viewing being taken in
have been involved in making this hand physically. Her fear made me
decision. put on the brakes to stop any further
We were driving home and we action regarding this particular is-
were both hungry and tired, which sue, and discipline in general.
sometimes doesn't make for the It wasn't easy to do this. I had em-
most constructive conversation. braced our Taken In Hand relation-
Then Missy told me about this ship from the first day. It was the
commitment she had made for us. It beginning of a feeling of fulfillment
really was a mistake, and Missy kind that I had never known before. Just
of knew it was too, because she as importantly, our relationship was
seemed to feel the need to justify her like new, on fire, and hitting on all
action. Knowing that we were both cylinders. We were suddenly a cou-
tired and a bit out of sorts, I wanted ple in the purest sense of the word,
to avoid having a big discussion in a way that we had never been
about it that might turn ugly. Later, I before. While our marriage had al-
called the people involved and ways been very good, it was now
backed out of the commitment—in a the stuff that others only dream of.
gracious, face-saving way (I think) But I am no abuser, and I could not
that made it appear that I didn't in good conscience continue to dis-
properly communicate my desires to cipline Missy given its apparent ef-
Missy. That solved the problem re- fect on her. We had to stop. We had
garding the commitment. to identify what was wrong, evalu-
But in the car, Missy became upset ate it, and correct it, or a crash was
because she did not like being told sure to come. So, we talked, and
that the decision was not a good one. talked, and talked. Finally, it came
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
out: Missy relished the playful been a problem in our marriage, it
spankings, but the disciplinary ones highlighted the existing but hitherto
totally destroyed her emotionally. unrecognized problem of Missy
The basis for her reaction was, she tending to feel rejected and wound-
discovered and then confided in me, ed whenever I mentioned any prob-
that she saw a discipline spanking as lem or mistake on her part.
a form of rejection. Of course, I did With all of this in our heads, I had
my best to assure her that I love her Missy read some of the articles deal-
unconditionally, and that, while I ing with being taken in hand. She
may be upset over something said or started with Frank Nelson's arti-
done occasionally, I would never cle, “It's not about blame, so forget
reject her. ‘fairness’?!,” then read the articles
In talking more about this, we dis- by Blush* and The King† and all of
covered that Missy's anguish had the comments associated with those
nothing to do with the physical as- articles. The focus of all the articles
pect of the spanking. She realized she read was on intimacy: rejection
that she was feeling this anguish wasn't even considered as they de-
whenever I would become upset— scribed discipline. As she read, it hit
whether discipline was involved or her that discipline doesn't have to
not. Her anguish was not about the mean rejection, and that for Taken In
spanking, it was about wanting me Hand couples, it is the opposite of
never ever to be upset, even when I rejection. As the boss has written in
am so tired and out of sorts that it her article, “Why you should not
would take a saint not to be a bit withhold spanking!,” it is actually a
grumpy. reaffirmation of the relationship.
This revelation made me re- Missy realized that the problem was
examine how our relationship had that she had an unrealistic expecta-
been before we had introduced Tak- tion that I would never ever be a bit
en In Hand ideas into our marriage. grumpy or think that some action
In his article, “What I get out of it,” she had taken was a mistake.
Todd Evans said, “In the past, I al- Missy also noticed that not only
ways felt I had to suppress my natu- did the women writing on Taken In
ral tendency to control. Where then, Hand not experience rejection, but
I would keep things to myself so as these ladies used the spankings to
not to rock the boat (at great cost to further the intimacy within their
myself, it has to be said), ...”? This is relationships. This was an eye-
what I had been doing myself, be- opener for Missy. After her research,
fore we introduced these ideas. In an she sent me a message while I was at
effort not to upset Missy or rock the work and stated, “It seems that I’m
marriage boat, I had tended to avoid the only one who is experiencing
addressing problems. With the in- feelings of rejection. I think I’ve been
troduction of Taken In Hand ideas,
this changed, and I had started ad- * “To let go,” 28 September 2003.
dressing problems. While that was a † “What I get out of it,” 15 February
good thing, as it solved what had 2004.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
seeing things incorrectly and that it’s and kind, no b.s type man. When I
time to focus on intimacy—even in was younger I dreamed of running
our disagreements and upsets.” off to Texas and finding me a tough,
That was music to my ears, since rugged cowboy. The type of a man
intimacy has been the goal that I who has balls and uses them. When
have been pursuing all along. I started dating I usually thought
Missy now views my firm hand most guys just have them there as an
with loving acceptance, and has ornament because there was no way
even encouraged me to deal with they were housing any testosterone.
any little problems or upsets we I was married once before very brief-
have, with discipline as the motiva- ly to a male (not a man). I definitely
tor. After a recent encounter over never shared my secret with him for
my knee, she snuggled next to me to he was already abusive enough.
thank me, then declared, “Well, Since sharing my secret with my
we’re back on track and it feels husband, for the first time I feel
wonderful.”? normal. I have such a peace inside
With this roadblock behind us, we me, a total and complete freeness—
have resumed the journey. Drive something I never thought I would
on.163 ever feel. Couldn't have even imag-
ined what it would feel like. When I
“MY DEEP DARK SECRET” (27 FEBRUARY shared with my husband my need to
2004) be taken in hand, instead of rejecting
me, he loved me even more. It was
I have always felt very different the first time anyone had ever truly
from everyone else, and as though I seen all of me and still thought I was
had a dark, dirty secret I was nerv- his queen...lol..(his words, not mine).
ous someone would discover, be- I have so much more self esteem
cause I felt ashamed. That is, I had just having been able to finally tell
always felt like this until told my the secret I kept for 30 years. I mar-
husband about wanting him to take ried this most wonderful man seven
me in hand. I always felt that maybe years ago, but it wasn't until four
I was a freak, and read too many months ago when we switched to
books. domestic discipline that I got my
My father is a very weak male and cowboy from Texas. Okay, fine, he's
it always disgusted me that he had more like a farm boy from Saskatch-
such little pride that he would never ewan... but he has promised to take
defend himself. My mother was and me to Texas.164
still is horrible to him. Growing up, I
never saw a marriage that I would “THE PARADOX OF THE MASTER AND THE
base mine on. I would prefer to be QUEEN” (28 FEBRUARY 2004)
single my whole life than to have a
marriage like my parents'.
I always wanted and dreamed of
the strong, sexy but gentle, loving

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This article* reminded me of an Others have answered but no man
apparent paradox I've been wanting so far has had the balls to state di-
to analyze. In my own experience rectly the #1 reason why a man will
and on this site, it seems that our want to take his woman in hand.
men, when we ask them to take us in It's like this, guys: take your wom-
hand—to be our masters, you might an in hand and you'll never have to
say—they become ardent slaves to do without sex again. Headaches
our happiness. Not instead, but at the and “not tonight, I'm too tired” in-
same time. Their mastery enslaves difference will give way to the ache
them, you might say. The expres- of desire—hers, for you. Women
sions of love for the women on Tak- love it. You think your woman
en In Hand, the devotion to them would never want to be taken in
and their happiness that is expressed hand? You think she's too dominant,
here, is breathtaking. too feminist, too bossy, too uninter-
I think part of the secret to this is ested in you? You think your wife's
in an earlier piece† I wrote describ- just not the type? She's not a sexual
ing my husband's aversion to re- animal? You think she probably for-
sponsibility and obligation. He hates got there's such a thing as sex round
to be reminded of what he SHOULD about the time of her first pregnan-
or OUGHT to be doing. Motivation, cy? You think it would take a mira-
for him, springs from self- cle to get her fired up again?
determination, from his wants and Wrong.
desires. When I became submissive Take her in hand and see what
to him, I ceased to represent a lot of happens.
SHOULDs and OUGHTs. With I don't know why it works but
those out of the way, the fact that he trust me guys, it works.
WANTS to make me happy is more ***
present in his mind. UPDATE: One thing I've not made
So, we bow down to offer our- clear: taking her in hand is not nec-
selves to our masters, and find that essarily taking her OTK. I take my
they have crowned us queens.165 wife in hand when I tell her to take a
cab or bus home instead of walking
“NEVER DO WITHOUT SEX AGAIN” (28 if it's after dark. I take my wife in
FEBRUARY 2004) hand when I ask her if she took a
cab; and when she admits she
A question has been asked on this walked, I take her in hand when I
site: What do men get out of taking show my concern and tell her she
their woman in hand and why might shouldn't have walked and it's for
other men want to do the same? her safety. I take my wife in hand
when I tell her to make an appoint-
* “My deep dark secret,” 27 February
ment to see her doctor, and when I
check she's done that. I take her in
2003.
† “How can you submit when you feel hand when I give her a short lecture
<i>frustrated</i>?” 14 December 2003. out of concern for her wel-
fare/safety. I take her in hand in a
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
thousand small ways that don't in- new cars, just completed buildings,
volve any spanking. When I take her and superficially flawless people.167
in hand, she often tells me later it
made her feel loved and protected— “SHARING THE SECRET OF OUR SUCCESS”
and excited.166 (1 MARCH 2004)

“LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR OF LIFE” (28 When you receive comments like:
FEBRUARY 2004) “What happened? You two look so
much in love now!” you may feel
Here is a slightly different twist on like sharing the secret of your suc-
emotional baggage. cess. This is a common feeling. We
People distain baggage for the can sense some of our friends are not
same reasons that they praise virgin- really happy in their own marriages.
ity (both in females and fabric con- Some are still struggling to find
tent), fall in love with new houses, some way to gain the intimacy and
or buy new cars. There is a rather connection they see us model, while
naïve belief that if something is fresh others of course are already on the
and new, it is perfect. verge of divorce. We want to tell
Yet, as many people know, a new them because what we do is so de-
automobile can be a lemon. Even a lightful and powerful, but experi-
brand spanking new house can hide ence has taught me that if you try to
a mountain of flaws under its explain the inner workings of your
smooth paint. And, even virgins at relationship dynamics, you are like-
the altar can bring quirks into the ly to be met with confusion, at best,
marriage. and most likely condemnation. So
In the end, we hate the emotional how can we help our friends while
baggage in others for that which we still being true to ourselves and still
carry within ourselves. We are quick answering their questions honestly?
to find problems with others be- Let's look at where criticism might
cause they are precisely what we first come from. Forget, for the mo-
find in our own lives. ment at least, the glaring illogic of
All too often an attitude about the being asked, by those in unhappy
emotional baggage of others says far marriages, to explain our measured
more about narcissism than it does success, and then being told that we
about love. Of course, this is not to are “doing our marriage wrong.”
say that there are not people who Most condemnation will come, we
come with more baggage than we have found, when we talk about the
are emotionally, spiritually, or phys- husband “having the final say” or
ically equipped to handle! being the head of the household. If
In short, although some are smug we happen to mention using spank-
and self-righteous, none of us are ing as discipline, we hear shouts of
perfected specimens of humanity. “Abuse!” and perhaps comments to
We simply seek to elevate our own the effect that we really need to seek
status through our identity with professional help.

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We have accomplished nothing table contention. This, I explain, is
except estranging our friends. We “discipline” because it is powerful
each go our ways. We live our way language and it keeps us in check.
in an enriched marriage; our friends I give some examples. For me, in
are left confused and possibly even my first marriage, I had a tendency
very concerned over the wife's emo- to withdraw or retreat in the face of
tional and physical health. It is not contention or an argument. Most
exactly the result we want. We have men and women can relate to this
to find a different way to talk about behavior response of the husband in
this. a marriage contention. The trouble, I
One thing I try to do when ex- explain, is that this response leaves
plaining the nature of my relation- the wife feeling frustrated and un-
ship to conventional friends is to heard, and the husband feeling
change the language I use. I don't powerless, angry and hurt. Nothing
use language such as “final say” or is accomplished, there is no resolu-
even “head of the household” be- tion, and over time the marriage
cause those phrases tend to give the intimacy diminishes.
misleading and alarming impression I explain that we have agreed that
that we are talking about a domi- it is my direct responsibility to exer-
neering man bullying a miserable cise control over the direction of
down-trodden woman. What lan- these various contentions. She has
guage would I use instead? agreed to accept my control over
Instead of using the expression directing the course of discussion.
“final say”, which has the effect of My taking this control works, I ex-
diminishing in the minds of some plain, because of my more generally
the active participation of the wife in reserved nature and because this
what is in reality a mutually enhanc- style connects very well with mini-
ing relationship design, I would mizing the effects of her sometimes
simply explain that the husband has more volatile nature. This discipline
agreed to remain emotionally in- keeps us both on track to actually
volved instead of withdrawing and solve problems, allowing us both to
will do his part to stay solidly pre- be actually “heard” in a real sense
sent to resolve contention into reso- and my responsibility (and her ac-
lution. ceptance of it) prohibits me from
I have explained, with some suc- falling into the old pattern of sullen
cess, that I would describe our rela- withdrawal.
tionship as a self-designed structure I sometimes call my consent to
called “intimate discipline.” Many control these interactions “Head of
are taken aback at first, but I then the Relationship” to give it a label
explain some of the intricacies that and to mark a distinction between
appear more conventional than not. this and the negative connotations
I explain that we have agreed upon often assigned to “head of the
expectations for each other, agreed household”. I want to measure what
upon “rituals” in some cases, agreed I say and how I say it against the old
upon methods of dealing with inevi- stereotype of “father knows best”
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
which is simply unacceptable to relationship really does need to be
most and, in fact, is not what we do brought back on track. This very
or how we live. By saying “Head of rightly may be asked of us. I person-
Relationship” I am simply saying I ally like “taking her in hand” as a
am “head” of our relationship inter- general description for even a con-
actions through our agreement be- ventional population. I like this be-
cause that is what works best. cause “taking her in hand” can mean
But, I explain, it is also much more many different things depending on
than a technique for solving prob- a couple's perception. In Intimate
lems. Intimate Discipline is a way of Discipline, our tactic is for me as the
living that enriches us as a couple. man to be responsible for our inter-
We have different “constructs” actions, to direct contention to reso-
which have the effect of connecting lution and to generally keep a disci-
us and which in the end will en- pline of connection alive and
hance our intimacy and make every- healthy. How would I explain how I
thing else we do more meaningful do this?
and, to be sure, easier in moments of I don't have to explain this at all.
crisis. Even among us, we do these things
We pay attention to each other. We differently though, agreeably, we
eat dinner together and use this time have some things in common. Inti-
to talk and spend time together. We mate Discipline requires only that a
acknowledge each other when the couple agrees on relationship man-
other enters a room, even if we are agement and following this a couple
busy with something. For instance, if must also agree on some way the
I am on the phone, even a business Head of Relationship or the head of
call, I will stop for a moment and this process may intervene to get
acknowledge her if she comes in the interactions back on track when it
room. We do things for each other, goes awry.
just little things, but we want each Spanking works for us because we
other to know our relationship is the have taken what is otherwise erotic,
most important thing we both own. given it a twist and allowed spank-
We intentionally demonstrate this in ing to become an intervention tactic.
both our words and our actions. This What is erotic for your friend? Does
is “discipline” because it would be she find it sexual or erotic for her
so easy over time for us to take both husband to sit her down and be vo-
each other and our relationship for cally firm? This is “taking her in
granted. hand” if she has a generally positive
But what about taking her in hand response to this. Does she find it
physically? Since this is likely one of sufficient for him to simply say
the most important parts of our rela- “Enough!” and would this set the
tionship and what distinguishes discussion back on track?
some of us from regular folk it The important thing is for each
seems this part really needs to be couple to find their own way
explained in some way. Sometimes through their own sexual expres-
things do get out of hand and the sions and sexual behaviors to gain or
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
regain their stable interactions. This couple; we can say that it is our own
will normally require the develop- choice in how we as a couple in mar-
ment of some way they can agree for riage have chosen how to explore
one of them to accept control and the intricacies of the intimacy and
responsibility for turning contention love we share. We can explain or
into resolution. The easiest and best answer questions in a way that is not
way is to use some tactic that has a merely acceptable to those “not like
sexually connective quality such as us” but that appeals to them so
we do with discipline spanking. much that they might even want to
If spanking is not erotic for the use aspects of our relationship as a
couple you are talking to, there is no model for themselves.168
need to go into this aspect of what
we do. In fact, discussing our tech- “THE ANCHOR OF LOVE” (3 MARCH
nique of spanking is useless and 2004)
indeed harmful. I think the im-
portant thing to say is that we have I have watched over the years so
together designed a relationship many say, “I am X and I still get
structure which suits us both, that spanked like a little girl.” Or “Why
we both have full input, and that we do I need this?” Here is my take.
are in full agreement both on the I believe for some, this is the most
inner workings and the tactics for direct way to show they are loved
recovery during the inevitable times and somebody gives a damn. As
when it goes awry. long as you are seeking, direction,
It is important to stress the fact of love and support and not just pain.
mutual agreement, and any agree- As long as you can tell the difference
ment is okay as long as there is fol- between being spanked and being
low-through and as long as it works hit. Then, why worry? The fact
to enrich the marriage. What we do is everybody has something they
can be used (with appropriate modi- need. Every relationship has some
fications) by most couples to en- dynamic in it.
hance their marriage. Our explana- Spanking and domestic discipline
tions can be helpful when combined can be incredibly intense, loving and
with how we model our own experi- freeing. I do not care how old or
ences and our own lives. Do be care- mature a woman is. How intelligent,
ful about the language you use, and capable or successful. Near-
if some language doesn't work or ly every woman I have ever met still
has negative consequences, try has a little girl inside her. Every
something else until you find some woman I have ever met desires to
language that does work. feel safe, secure and loved. For
We don't need to talk about disci- some, that little girl only comes out
pline spanking, it is a selective prac- in the quiet of the night. For others,
tice available only to some. We can that little girl comes out when she is
talk about intention; we can say that safe in her lovers arms, or when she
we have designed our own relation- is with her children.
ship in a way that works for us as a
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Yet for some, that little girl only others. More, they are incapable of
comes out after she has been shown trust and letting go.
there is somebody who loves and Dominance and submission is of-
understands her. That understand- ten referred to as a power exchange.
ing usually comes from somebody Submission, even when taken, is still
willing to put her over his knee given willingly. Domineering and
and show her he cares. Someone who subjugation is just about power.
will say, “You are OK; your behav- Who has it, who loses it. That is, in
ior is NOT; and I love you too much my opinion, not at all about love and
to allow you to get away with this.” support. Domineering and subjuga-
That is OK too. Because if that is tion are not about building, they are
what it takes to make you feel se- about tearing down. Not about
cure, so you can face the world and growth but instead about destruc-
deal. Then more power to you. We tion.170
all need a center. For some it is hav-
ing a partner who is willing to disci- “DON'T TELL ANYONE I'M HERE!” (12
pline you and be your anchor. For MARCH 2004)
others like me, it is being that anchor.
It is being needed in that special way Why do I feel guilty about reading
and being able to show the person I Taken In Hand? And what is a mid-
love in the most direct way possi- dle-aged married mother of four
ble—I am here, it is OK and I am not doing dreaming about being rav-
going to let you fall.169 ished and taken in hand when she
should be doing the ironing or start-
“THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOMINANT ing dinner?
AND DOMINEERING” (6 MARCH 2004) All my life, I've had a secret desire
to be taken by one of those men you
I think it is important to differenti- only meet in the pages of romantic
ate between dominant and domi- fiction. You know the deal: from the
neering. In my mind, a dominant moment our eyes meet I'm hooked,
person is one who takes charge. The unable to resist him even if I'm furi-
role of the dominant person in any ous with him for having this power
relationship is as much mentor and over me. He's unfazed by my anger
guide as anything else. It is a re- and approaches me with the certain-
sponsibility. Domineering on the ty and confidence you never meet in
other hand seeks subjugation over real life. Just when I think he hadn't
submission and usually is based on got it in him to win the battle, he
severe insecurities and total lack of wins the battle, drawing me to him,
trust. crushing me in his strong arms, rav-
The reason I say insecurity is be- ishing me, subduing me, taking me,
cause they can not even trust those making me his, loving me, leading
who love them to love them. They me.
do not love themselves, they are Instead, I have a very nice hus-
incapable of accepting the love of band who cares about me and looks

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after me and the kids... I guess I've shouldn't be here: I'm just an ordi-
always thought the reality can't nary mother of four who should be
match the fairytale, the real man doing the ironing.171
can't match the romantic hero... and
then I stumble upon a site like this “SUBJUGATION OR SUBMISSION?” (13
and have my cosy assumptions MARCH 2004)
turned upside down in the click of a
mouse. If a woman submits to me out of
I'm not like you: I'm not brave and duty, I don't want her. A robot can
sure and honest and comfortable do a duty, and I have no desire for a
with my outlandish desires. I'm just robot. A mechanical submission is
an ordinary woman in an ordinary simply subjugation, and that isn't
marriage with ordinary sex and or- what any man here would want.
dinary love. I don't have the passion This submission must come wholly
I read about here, and I don't have from the heart. That kind of submis-
the romantic hero Taken In Hand sion by its very nature demands a
men appear to be. Are you guys for love and caring from the man it's
real? Is it really possible? Have I given to. If the woman is sick or just
made a godawful mistake in my life not feeling well or whatever, the
in settling for the man I married? man will tend to that need. He won't
I'm not enamoured with every- force anything on her, anymore than
thing I read on Taken In Hand. I the woman will fake a headache to
have no desire to be spanked or escape sex, as happens too often in
caned or disciplined like a kid. I'm the "currently conventional" rela-
just an ordinary woman not a maso- tionships. I don't fully understand
chist or a powerhouse of sexual fires. the dynamics, but this is my take on
And yet...... something's missing in the subject.172
my life and I appear to be reading
Taken In Hand to find out what that “THE JOY OF THE MASTER-QUEEN DYNAM-
something is. When I noticed I feel
IC” (13 MARCH 2004)
edgy and impatient that there hasn't
been a new article posted for a few
Since my husband became head of
days, that told me this is a pretty
our home and our relationship, he
strong fix I'm getting, here. But I feel
just can't do enough to make me
I shouldn't even be here; that I don't
happy. I'm still trying to figure out
belong here; or that I shouldn't be-
exactly why this dynamic works the
long here.
way it does. Before I became sub-
I can't say I know what my point
missive, I was sure he didn't care
is. I don't know why I'm writing this
about my feelings. He would create
really. I don't know what to do and I
problems for me by leaving im-
don't know what I should want to
portant things undone. It just didn't
do. What am I doing dreaming im-
seem like he cared enough to make
possible dreams and reading of oth-
the effort. He didn't want to be re-
er women who have the impossible
minded of his responsibilities, or
dream? Don't tell anyone I'm here. I
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asked to do anything more. How sense that he has more control over
could a man really care about me all those things.
and yet care so little about making Ownership is basically having con-
me happy? Yet I knew he loved me. trol over. Although we use the word
I knew he wanted me to be happy. “mine” to describe things that are
He often said so, and he often ex- merely connected with us, real pos-
pressed his love very convincingly session implies control. I believe the
in words and lovemaking. So why sense of ownership ties us (his home
not in particular, important actions? and family) to his self-determination
This was so puzzling and frustrating somehow. We are not so much
to me. things outside himself, demanding
A piece of the puzzle fell into place onerous duties; we are part of him,
when I realized how important self- and doing things for us is more like
determination is to him. He has to doing things for himself. Further-
do things because he wants to. He more, being in command means he
has to take on responsibilities and makes decisions and carries them
obligations freely; once he's taken out. He does things because he de-
them on, he'll just about kill himself cides they should be done, not be-
to meet them. But if he feels the re- cause I told him about them or re-
sponsibility or obligation foisted on minded him of them.
him from without, he just won't ac- What does it mean to own another
cept it. He just won't do it, even if it's human being? Obviously, slavery
something “everyone does” or “a springs to mind as an ugly institu-
good husband does”. If he hasn't tion that has fortunately been mostly
chosen it, you can just forget it. I stamped out. To own a person as if
could beat my head against a wall the person were an object, having
until I went unconscious trying to total control over their destiny and
get him to do things that I thought no regard for their feelings, is obvi-
he should do because everyone ously not good. But when a person
else's husband does that, or because desires to be possessed by another,
it's only fair, or whatever. this can be wonderful.
When he became the head of the I must tread carefully here, be-
household and of our relationship, cause I really don't understand the
there was a shift in the way he attraction of being a “slave”, and I
viewed himself, and me, and our don't want to talk about what I don't
home, and our life. He seems to have know. I only wish to note that, like
a heightened sense of ownership, a so much of what we talk about on
heightened sense of being the man this site, it is the voluntary aspect
of the house, and a sudden willing- that changes night into day.
ness to do things. Suddenly he Everything we talk about here in
wants to help me with the dishes terms of submission, ownership,
and make the bed! He seems to feel slavery, discipline—it's all beautiful
that everything is more “his” than it because both parties desire it. All of
was before: me, the house, the mon- it would be shocking and horrible if
ey. And it is indeed more his, in the one party didn't want it. I think it's
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that contrast that makes it erotic and
been, subjugated to men by law
that makes it such a tender gift, a(which is force). You can still have
breathtaking, awe-inspiring gift togood men in such a system (at least
the one who receives it. Because if the romance novels are to be be-
power implies the power to hurt, the
lieved!). A woman could still submit
gift of submission is a gift of awe-
from love, and a good man could
some trust, it's a tremendously pow-
take good care of her. But the possi-
erful statement saying, “I believe bility of giving—and receiving—her
that you are good.” I could not give
submission as a gift would be lost.
my husband the authority to disci- You can't give him something that
pline me physically unless I be- belongs to him already. So only in
lieved, down to my bones, that he the context of women being legally
would never, ever abuse that right,equal to men can submission truly
i.e., use it to harm me. And I could
be a gift. Only against this back-
not give my husband control over ground of legal equality is the real
our financial life unless I believed,
beauty of our lifestyle possible.
deep down, that he would steer us A man sees himself reflected in the
right. He is a good man, and there is
eyes of his woman. She can make
no more powerful way that I can tell
him look small, incompetent, and
him so than to freely give him the weak. Or she can make him look
power to take care of me, which is strong, heroic, larger than life, a
also the power to hurt me and bringgood man and true. And seeing
me to ruin. himself so, he can be all that. In this
The gift, of course, is not irrevoca-
way, her submission and trust make
ble, but we like to think of it so.him a hero. A hero who holds her
There is always the possibility of happiness and well-being in his
leaving if our partner turns bad. Our
hands. He will cherish that happi-
society thankfully recognizes the ness and well-being above every-
equal humanity of women. But like thing—above his own, perhaps—
an acrobat at the circus, we think because that hero in her eyes is
about what we're doing and how worth more to him than money,
wonderful it feels; we know the netstatus, or his own comfort. This is
is below us, but we don't want to the dynamic of the master and his
dwell on it. To keep our minds on it
queen. He cannot do enough for her
ruins what we're doing. because of the way she sees him.
I liked KrosRogue's little piece* de-
I didn't see myself as a controlling
fining submission and subjugation. woman, but I suppose I was. It's not
When a person is made a slave to a bad thing to be; it all depends on
another's will by force, obviously the circumstances. Sometimes a
this is not a dynamic of love. There
woman's survival depends on it. But
is no trust and no gift. Under other
when a woman would be happier if
legal systems, women are, or have she had less control and she still
won't give it up, I think it's because
* “Subjugation or submission?” 13 she was wounded at some point.
March 2004. Perhaps she was orphaned in child-
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hood, or abused, or abandoned by see bits and pieces of the face. Then
her parents. Perhaps she was hurt in the mask seems to change, or shifts
adolescence by selfish, uncaring in appearance, and becomes less like
men. Whatever happened, some- the dream and more like the face. If
thing convinced her that she was on this shift becomes too radical, you
her own, that if she didn't take care can become very disillusioned, be-
of herself, no one would. She is, you cause you can't tolerate the differ-
might say, a woman warrior in a ence between the mask and the
hostile world. dream, you can't allow this person to
When a woman like this submits be human, because there is too much
to a man and gives him control of that clashes with the dream.
her life, is this not a truly awesome Most broken relationships come to
gift? She is telling him that he in- a tragic end because they are al-
spires enough trust to overcome all lowed to become too deep too fast,
her doubts. Is this not a much great- while the mask still looks like the
er gift than the submission of an dream. Ideally, you want to see the
untroubled girl who has been cher- face, but that rarely happens even in
ished all her life? the most intimate of relationships.
I realize now that when I was in But it's good to wait until you are
control, the image I reflected back to pretty sure the mask at least bears
my husband was the image of some close resemblance to the
someone not entirely necessary, not face.174
entirely competent, not worthy of
my trust and confidence. And he “WHEN RAPE IS A GIFT” (15 MARCH
lived like that person. Now we are 2004)
both transformed.173
I know, I know, it's a dangerous
“THE FACE, THE MASK, AND THE DREAM” title, and I'll get hatemail. So let me
(14 MARCH 2004) say straight away that on no account
do I advocate or in any way condone
Everyone has a dream mate, the rape or abuse of any kind. Indeed, I
ideal and ultimate partner to fulfil a urge all women (and men!) to use
lifetime fantasy. That rarely, if ever, whatever force is necessary to de-
happens in real life. When you have fend themselves against would-be
a relationship with someone, you rapists, muggers and murderers.
actually relate to three persons; the The last stranger in the street to be
one you wish to see, or the dream, so misguided as to think that I
the one you think you see, or would make a good rape victim
the mask, and the real person, or probably didn't end up in hospital,
the face behind the mask. but judging from his screams as I
The spark usually, but not always, incapacitated him, and the way he
hits you when the dream comes very staggered as he made his escape, he
close to resembling the mask. Later, probably regretted having picked
when you get better acquainted, you me to mess with.

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The sort of “rape” that is a gift is be the psychological equivalent of a
the sort given by a man to the wom- lethal letter bomb. Do not proceed in
an he loves because she wants it. haste. Be sure to discuss it thorough-
Many women do. ly first, to ensure that, as one woman
Many men reading this will be put it, you are on the same page. If
feeling very uneasy. Nothing is she wants more of a set scene at an
guaranteed to bring a man out in a agreed time but you think she wants
cold sweat faster than raising the you to take her completely by sur-
subject of rape—except actually ask- prise—such as by creeping up on
ing him to rape you, of course. “Oh, her in the dead of night when she
I could never do that!”, a man will thinks you are on a business trip two
say in a tone of alarm. No decent continents away—things might not
man wants to be a rapist. go quite as well as you'd hoped.
But it's not rape and it's not im- When in doubt, discuss it explicitly
moral if the woman wants it. Is it? and in great detail first. And assume
It's a gift. that the two of you might be mistak-
I have talked to a number of wom- en about it all, and be ready to back-
en about this over the years, and track, make changes, and (if you
several have spoken of the deep both desire it) try again.
gratitude they feel to the man who But enough of all that. How can it
trusts and loves them enough to do possibly be a gift? What might be
this. These are dangerous waters, going through a woman's mind be-
legally, so the man must trust the fore, during and afterwards? How
woman not to run to the po- does she feel?
lice and cry “rape!” He must have How she feels beforehand depends
the strength to risk making himself upon the individual circumstances,
vulnerable in this way. He must but she may well feel fear—and she
have faith that she knows what she may well want to feel fear. Her heart
wants and is willing to take the risk. may be thumping, her adrenalin
He must believe in his ability not to pumping, her mouth dry, her palms
misjudge the situation, and in the sweaty: an exhilarating sort of fear,
woman's ability to deal with it not the fear of a victim. She may be
well if he does. He must be willing experiencing the most intense desire
to be profoundly and intensely inti- to be taken she has ever felt: a desire
mate with the other person. And for made only more intense the more
some men, contemplating such ac- strongly she resists and fights.
tion forces them to face their She may feel the need to fight as
own dark and troubling desires— hard as she can, while willing you to
desires they fear make them a mon- prevail. When you do, the physical
ster. All this takes courage, strength, shock may be indescribably exquis-
trust, and nerves of steel. Not for the itely pleasurable. She may feel as
faint-hearted! though she has billions of nerve-
And not something to do cavalier- endings she had never had before.
ly. Extreme caution is advised. If She may have the most intense cli-
you are not careful, your gift could max she has ever had. She may
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
scream as you have never heard her I married when I was 21 and had
scream before. You may notice that my first child at 23. I don't think I
her whole body suddenly relaxes, could have committed to submission
submitting, welcoming, worship- then. It didn't occur to either of us to
ping. The whole experience may put the word "obey" in the marriage
leave her feeling absolutely ecstatic, vows. And yet, looking back, I can
utterly peaceful, deeply submissive, see it was attracting me. There were
totally yours. Connected. You may many things that I was unhappy
see in her eyes deep love, reverence, with about myself. For example, I
awe, soft submissiveness, deep grati- was easily angered and lacked self-
tude, adoration, and belonging. She discipline. I identified with Kate
may well be moved to tears. in The Taming of the Shrew and want-
Hold her. Stroke her hair. Kiss her ed a Petruchio to fix my personality
softly. You have taken her. She is flaws. It probably would have been
yours.175 too unreasonable to place such a
burden on my husband when we
“FROM VAGUE AWARENESS TO A BEAUTI- were young. And yet, in the long
FUL RELATIONSHIP” (18 MARCH 2004) run, my husband did become my
Petruchio.
Let me think... back then we rode He grew into his authority. Or
around on dinosaurs and, more im- maybe I grew into seeing it. Over
portantly, there was no Internet. time, I came to think of him more
This has major implications in the and more as a strong, wise, good
development of my sexuality. Peo- person. I respected him, trusted his
ple with non-standard sexual tastes judgement and learned to turn to
could easily go through their whole him for guidance.
lives thinking of themselves as Meanwhile, perhaps ten or so
uniquely weird deviants. One might years ago, I got plugged into the
never realize that there were others Internet and discovered the world.
with similar feelings. One might Among my discoveries was the
never experience the satisfaction of knowledge that being turned on by
hearing somebody else putting into spankings was a fairly mild kink
words those hard to express feel- and I was able to tell my husband
ings. I was alone. about it. It became part of erotic play
I was vaguely aware that I was for us but recently has developed
turned on by spanking because of into something more. I had a grow-
my reaction to the spanking scene in ing awareness that I didn't want to
Robert Heinlein's I Will Fear No just play at spanking. Somehow, my
Evil which I read in my early teens. I husband physically disciplining me
was uncomfortable with these feel- embodies his authority over me. It
ings. I threw out my copy of the has become real, not a game and I
book. I don't think I ever talked still don't quite understand what is
about them with anyone for years. happening. Whatever it is touches
me very deeply.176

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“DOES BEING TAKEN IN HAND MEAN NOT sexually satisfied, you want to talk
to your spouse and that brings inti-
SAYING WHAT YOU THINK?” (20 MARCH
macy. So the bottom line is, it's
2004) about making great relationships by
creating sexual heat between you.
Some think that being taken in There's nothing more erotic to me
hand implies not expressing your than to know that my wife loves
opinions or indeed expressing your- being in this relationship with me.
self. There's nothing more erotic than
Elle has been taught from the be- knowing she's always available for
ginning: I chose you for your mind me if I want sex. She says there's
and strength and you are cheating nothing more sexy than being avail-
me if you don't give it to me. I do able to me, so we have a win-win
insist that it be done with respect situation here. Just knowing I can
and I also insist that when I say take her whenever I want... it's what
ENOUGH, she accepts it as enough. other men dream of. Just knowing
Without ego, I am a person with a that when I take her, she'll submit
great deal of intelligence, intellect, and open her legs for me and she's
and of course at times arrogance. excited and willing every time...
Which means when I am wrong. I other folks have talked about a sense
can be spectacularly wrong. I require of peace, but let me tell you, THIS is
somebody smart enough to know peace. There's no greater satisfaction
when I am wrong, strong enough to than this. This submission from my
tell me and sweet enough to make wife is the greatest gift.
me like it. Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't My wife commented that my dom-
bad.177 inance is the greatest gift to her.
She's wired to respond sexually to it
“TAKEN IN HAND RELATIONSHIPS ARE HOT and can't get enough of it. I wouldn't
AND CLOSE” (22 MARCH 2004) say she's obedient, but she's pretty
happy with how we're doing so
Taken In Hand relationships are there's no fights or stonewalling. The
pretty special. The three things I more I make decisions for her (tak-
want in a relationship, I have in ing her wishes into consideration
abundance with my wife. I believe every time) the more dreamy-eyed
it's because we have a Taken In she gets. I love it when she looks at
Hand relationship. What are those me like I'm her hero.
three things? Love, sex, and intima- When I tell me wife to be sure and
cy. It's that simple. take enough time for pampering
The intimacy and love come be- herself after a hard day, seeing the
cause the Taken In Hand relation- look in her eye—love, submission
ship is so sexy. When you feel sex- and “you're my hero”—does it for
ually satisfied, you feel a whole lot me. This is great: this kind of domi-
of love for your spouse and you nance—Taken In Hand protective,
show your love and want to make caring dominance—turns my wife
your spouse happy. When you feel on big time and makes her happy.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
And when you've got a turned on, But if I don’t need him to improve
happy wife, you have a happy, satis- me, how is it real discipline? I think
fied husband!178 the answer is that in our complex
personalities, both male and female,
“THE DYNAMICS OF OUR TAKEN IN HAND there is always a part that matures
RELATIONSHIP” (25 MARCH 2004) and a part that remains more child-
like. When I do something to disrupt
I want the man I love to be the our relationship, and he disciplines
head of our household and physical- me, the mature, moral, controlled
ly discipline me because it’s highly part of his psyche connects with my
erotic for me; it evokes a desire to childish, naughty, impulsive self.
submit to him and please him that This inner little girl really wants to
strengthens our connection. In turn, be controlled, and when disciplined,
his experience of power and control becomes submissive, adoring, and
evokes a desire to protect me and grateful. The sexual dynamic be-
make me happy that also strength- tween these two parts of ourselves is
ens our connection. These yin and highly positive, and can bring us
yang desires reinforce each other, back together when we drift apart.
making more and more room in our Even if the disruption is his fault, or
minds for love and intimacy. no one’s fault, I will eventually give
That’s the reason we use disci- him some cause (some excuse, if you
pline, and it’s the only reason we do. like) to take me in hand and put this
It’s not because I’m immature and dynamic into motion.
faulty and can be improved only by Of course I also have a mature,
external force. It’s not because he’s adult self, and he also has an inner
mature and perfect and it’s his job to child. But when these two clash, the
help me grow up. These were the sexual dynamic is totally different.
implications that bothered me when “Cold and dead” might be a good
I read about DD (domestic disci- description. His inner child resists
pline), that I found insulting to control, becoming sulky and stub-
women and just didn’t ring true. In born. My adult self doesn’t thrive on
fact, I firmly believed that he was being in charge; I become exhausted
less mature and more faulty than me and unhappy. When there is a prob-
(he might have a different take on lem in the relationship, the grown
that). So why would I want him to woman and the little boy just piss
discipline me? I believe, actually, each other off and make things
that people tend to choose partners worse.
who are approximately equal to It’s not necessary to totally shut
themselves in attractiveness, intelli- down these parts of ourselves—we
gence, maturity, and moral stature. wouldn’t be healthy and whole if we
Why would a man want to burden did. He wouldn’t want to live with-
himself with a life partner who is out my grown-up intellect, and I
immature and morally weak com- wouldn’t want to live without his
pared to himself? childlike sense of fun. But when it
comes to issues of control, or any
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
kind of dissonance, we need to “MOVING INTO A TAKEN IN HAND RELA-
acknowledge that the woman-boy
TIONSHIP” (26 MARCH 2004)
dynamic only drives us further
apart. We must turn to the big man
I wanted a relationship where we
and the little girl to bring back har-
were both equals, and took joint
mony.
responsibility for everything. When I
Does his discipline improve my
met my now husband, we tried it: he
behavior? Actually, yes. Because it
thought that was how a marriage
feels really sexy for me to obey him
should be run, too. And it kind of
and be improved by him. For most
worked for a while, but it got to the
of my adult life I have relied on my
stage where even simple things like
own adult self to control my inner
washing up would wait til one of us
child. I didn’t ask Paul to spank me
gave in and did it: with neither of us
because I was failing, as a mature
having any ownership over tasks,
adult, to control myself. But I have
decisions, etc., it seemed that things
ways of punishing myself when I
were less likely to get done. Which
screw up that aren’t good for our
led to arguments, which led to us
relationship. I beat myself up men-
making up, but somehow never talk-
tally. I chastise and berate myself,
ing about it afterwards, so the ar-
put myself down, and generally
guments repeated. And we couldn't
make myself miserable in the hope
quite see what was going wrong.
that this misery will motivate me to
And then we started to intro-
avoid repeating that screw-up. This
duce spanking into erotic play,
kind of self-punishment isolates me
which unleashed a torrent of very
and makes my family unhappy too.
surpressed feelings in me. I'd be
A sound spanking, on the other
lying if I said they were new, but I
hand, relieves guilt, provides moti-
had tried to surpress them since I
vation, and gets me reconnected to
was in my early-mid teens, and I did
my family very quickly. I get back
initially try to kid myself that they
into a positive and constructive
were new feelings. So after a while, I
frame of mind instead of wallowing.
started to come to some of sort of
I think that Paul gets something
acceptance that as well as having a
from disciplining me that improves
strong, independant character I was
him, too. I think that being in charge
also possessed of a large submis-
of our home and our relationship is
sive streak, at least when I was
maturing him, making him hold
around my husband.
himself to a higher standard, giving
So one evening, whilst I was cook-
him more strength to control his
ing and he was doing something
own destructive impulses. My ador-
else, I muttered something about
ing submission to his mature self is
maybe if he gave me a spanking next
so rewarding that the mature self
time I started to get really snappy it
grows stronger.179
might stop me quicker than the then
only technique that did work—
going off and sulking for a while til I

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felt human again. He agreed, and “EQUALITY ISN'T ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO
tried it—cautiously at first for vari-
BE” (27 MARCH 2004)
ous reasons, and then with more
gusto—especially when it seemed it
On Power and Love I found refer-
did work.
ence to this film review by Steve
After a little while more, I told him
Sailer:
more about how I feel, what I think I
want, and touched on a whole In “Dentists,” the husband ... seems
mountain of confusion inside (did it hemmed-in, his manliness encum-
in a really mature way, too—sent bered by all the domestic trappings.
him an e-mail then hid til he'd read Nor does it enhance what's left of his
it *L*). He took on board almost aura of masculinity that he and his
suspiciously quickly, as if he'd been wife ... are equal partners in their
dental firm, and that when they get
patiently waiting for me to realise
home, he does half (or more) of the
something he'd noticed, and he housework. The audience, therefore,
worked on some of my confused is less surprised than he is when he
thoughts. glimpses his wife in the arms of an-
Now, we both have semi-defined other man, perhaps the director of the
roles: we don't know what tomor- amateur opera in which she's appear-
row will bring, so some flexibility is ing as a slave girl. ...
needed. There are one or two things As so often happens in feminist-
influenced movies, the words don't
that are understood as being so. For
match the pictures. Scott, who also
example, I'm the only one who gets produced, claimed that the wife falls
spanked. And the difference was for another man because her husband
and is incredible. There have been a is “uncommunicative,” but his char-
couple of moments since we started acter hardly has any time to com-
that would normally have led to a municate. While she's running
blow-up of one sort or another, that around, he cooks all the meals and
have now been resolved in under an cleans up all the messes, which only
appears to make her more contemp-
hour. We both feel so much closer to
tuous of him.
each other, and everything has im- Instead, Rudolph's images subvert
proved no end. In ways I still can't the script's conventional explanations
get my head around, submitting to with a disturbing idea: the perfect
my husband has empowered me to equality of their marriage has sapped
be my softer self around him, to the sexual energy from it. Because he
shed the protection I need for the has no power over her, she doesn't
outside world and relax. I feel find him exciting...
grounded, relaxed, calm; he seems
Tom Newman comments inter alia:
far less stressed and also seems more
relaxed and calm. I think most Americans know
I am still confused about a lot of down deep by now that “equal” mar-
things, but I'll sort those out with riage does not work and that women
time. I'm content just being me, and want the man to lead. At some point,
submitting to my husband…180 we will all start admitting it in public.

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I don't think all women want the nice but really toxic passive-
man to lead (some prefer women aggressive behaviour.
anyway ;-) ) but for those who do, an The reason this is important for
overtly equal marriage would be less readers of Taken In Hand is that one
likely to work. of the criticisms levelled at us (apart
Moreover, not all forms of equality from the usual vacuous “this is un-
are equal. The so-called “unequal” healthy” rubbish) is that relation-
relationship favoured by Tom and ships of this sort can't be
many readers of Taken In Hand is in good because they are not equal.
a very real sense more equal and There is nothing particularly good
consensual than many a so-called about equality per se, because what
“equal” and pro-feminist relation- one person might like, another
ship. Plenty of pro-feminist New might hate—it might be better for
Men create the mere semblance of person A to get X and person B to
consent whilst acting in highly non- get Y—both might be happier with
consensual ways. that then if A and B both have Z.
Consider a relationship between What people mean when they advo-
an ardent radical/victim feminist cate equality—or rather, what
and a New Men who stridently ad- they shouldmean—is that there
vocate “equality”, and who would should be consent.
be quick to brand us “unhealthy”, or To judge whether or not there is
“reactionary” or “atavistic” and the consent, you can't just look at the
like. In some cases, of course, they form of a relationship or an interac-
have a genuinely good relationship. tion and get a reliable answer. For
But in other cases, if you look be- some people positively want a rela-
yond what they say to what they do, tionship which to the outside world
what you find is that one or other of looks unequal and quite possible
the two (or both!) passively- non-consensual. It might appear that
aggressively imposes his or her will way but be incredibly consensual
on the other, not just occasionally and a source of great joy and per-
and not just in fun or in an otherwise sonal growth to both partners. It is
consensual way. not merely that you can't judge a
Their relationship appears prima book by its cover, you can be wildly
facie to be very fair and equal and misled by the “cover” when the
consensual but it is just the sem- “book” is the kind of relationship
blance of equality, a sham; the form discussed on Taken In Hand. What
is equal and fair, but the substance is we have to remember is that it is the
highly non-consensual. People can consensual substance that matters,
be very intransigent and fail to take not the non-consensual form.181
their partner's wishes into account,
whilst appearing to be models of “WHAT TAKEN IN HAND HAS DONE FOR
equality and caring. People often OUR MARRIAGE” (28 MARCH 2004)
proclaim their belief in equality
whilst making life miserable for
their partner through apparently
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Since my husband acted to end the respect for him as the head of our
downward spiral of resentment and household, I have a new love for
recriminations that was our mar- him as my husband, and I have this
riage, our lives have been turned renewed desire for him as a man. In
around. Only a few months ago we fact, we're like newlyweds again.
were barely speaking to each other, My husband has always been a
and when we did, it was to attack. good dad but now he's a great one.
Like I've heard is the case for many, He is so much more involved with
when I first asked him to take me in the kids, now, so everybody's hap-
hand, nothing happened, but then py.
suddenly one day something This has changed my whole out-
snapped in him and he put me over look on life. Where before, I felt a
his knee and spanked me so hard it failure, unworthy, distrustful, unat-
shocked me. tractive, now I feel good about my-
That was only a few months ago self. I feel attractive, I feel loved,
but my, how things have changed. cherished, and worthy of that love. I
He wants to spend time with me deeply trust my husband and feel he
now, where before, he spent all his trusts me too. I feel a sense of be-
time in the basement avoiding me. longing to him I've never felt before.
He pays so much more attention to He's my husband, and I belong to
me then previously, noticing when him now. Before, I belonged only to
I've made the effort to dress femi- myself and felt hurt by his coldness
ninely for him or when I've made a and his long sulks and angry out-
special effort to bake his favorite pie. bursts. He was hurting too because I
He looks at me the way he looked at was not submitting to him but we
me when we first met— didn't know this until things turned
he really looks at me. I feel he sees around for us. Hindsight is 20-20.
me now where before, he seemed to He'll say I'm more respectful and
look right through me or past me. no longer make snide remarks to
He's become a real gentleman, tak- him. Most of all, I trust him and love
ing care of my needs, very respect- him more than I ever thought I
fully. He smiles at me and seems to could love and trust anyone. That's
enjoy being with me again. When he what Taken In Hand has done for
takes me out he helps me on and off us.182
with my coat. I feel so proud to be
with him! I can see other women “THE F-WORD” (28 MARCH 2004)
looking envious when they see how
he treats me like a princess. Since I Feminism. It is almost as offensive
asked him to take me in hand and be to some people as the other F-word.
the master of the house, he's started I have seen it alleged many times
making decisions more, and he's that feminism is inconsistent with a
become much more confident in Taken in Hand relationship. I do not
this—a much better leader—and think this is the case at all. I am defi-
this, I find sexy, so our love life is nitely a feminist and I am not
way better than before. I have a new ashamed to admit it.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
People have this nostalgic view of similar it might appear on the sur-
life 50 or even 100 years ago as being face. I would feel trapped. Spanking
the good old days when people without consent is abuse as far as I
stayed married and the roles in the am concerned. You cannot have real
family were straightforward, and consent without the freedom to
when it was much more acceptable choose.
for a woman to be spanked by her My choice to live in Taken in Hand
husband. It is true that the divorce relationship may seem on the sur-
rate was low, but I am not at all con- face to be unfeminist. In fact there
vinced it is because people were are a lot of feminists who would be
happier. Divorce was simply not an downright furious with me about
option for women, especially after this. It is almost as if these feminists
they had had children. There was no want to deny me my choices rather
chance for women to get jobs that than support me in them. Like those
paid well enough to support a fami- who opposed the feminist move-
ly. For much of our history, women ment, these feminists seem to want
could not own property and were to restrict my choices to what they
considered the property of their deem acceptable. Just because
husbands. Also, before women I can choose not to consent to my
could vote or run for office, they had husband being the head of the
little or no way to influence the gov- household, does not mean that
ernment decisions that affected I must choose this. We tried living in
them. I am a feminist because I be- marriage without a head of the
lieve in having these basic rights, household: we shared the power
and I would fight to keep them. equally. I was not happy; my hus-
What has the feminist movement band was not happy. Now that my
done for me? It has given me free- husband is the head of the house-
dom of choice. I choose to live in hold, we are happier than ever; we
marriage where my husband can feel more loving and more connect-
take me in hand whenever he sees ed. I know that the choice to be Tak-
fit. I choose to give him final say on en in Hand is not for everyone,
all decisions. Could I change my maybe not even for most, but it def-
mind? Of course I could! I think that initely is for me and I will not allow
is where the value of our relation- my freedom to choose to be restrict-
ship lies. Because this is my own ed by anyone, feminist or sexist.
choice (in fact, it was I who asked I am a feminist, and I am in a hap-
him to take me in hand) I feel freer py, loving Taken in Hand relation-
not more restricted in my relation- ship, that I not only consent to, but
ship with my husband now that he was my idea in the first place. Femi-
is the head of the household. Our nism is not at odds with a Taken In
Taken in Hand relationship depends Hand relationship in which the man
on my consent. If I were forced to is the head of the household: I know
live in a relationship which included because I comfortably live with
spanking, it would be a fundamen- both.183
tally different relationship, however
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
“HE WHO DARES, WINS” (28 MARCH interested in finding him. So I went
to the changing tents and found him,
2004) all changed, sitting there relaxing—
and waiting for me to come to him. I
I've read a lot of personal stories in
had had a chance to rehearse what
the past few weeks and I really want
I'd say so I delivered my line of: “If
to share mine, because I promise
you're to possess me, I should know
you, it's a really great story!
your name.” He gave me a big (very
I was excited to go hang out with a
nice) smile, stood up and shook my
newly married girlfriend at the local
hand saying, “It's Jim.” Then he
Renaissance Faire that weekend. She
didn't let go of my hand, and led me
and her husband picked me up and
out of the tent suggesting a walk.
when we got there, he was working
We had a great time talking and
the faire, so we went to shop. Later
flirting all around the faire.
on, we went back to watch him as he
When it came time to leave, he
was helping put on a medieval
handed me a scrap of paper he had
fighting demo. He was in the ring in
in his pocket and asked for my
full medieval armor facing down
phone number. I looked down at the
another fighter, also disguised in full
paper and it already had my name
medieval armor.
written on it! Apparently he had
The announcer says loudly to each
already asked who I was when I had
fighter to bow to the one who gives
arrived earlier, and written it down
you the courage to fight—and my
then.
girlfriend's husband turns and bows
I wrote down my phone number
to her. (So cool!) But the other fight-
and as I handed it to him I said,
er didn't bow at all, I noticed. The
“You were certainly sure that you'd
fight ensued and my girlfriend's
get my number, weren't you?” To
husband lost.
which he leaned in close and whis-
The other fighter had the right to
pered in my ear: “I usually get what
stay in the ring then and fight the
I want.”
next guy, but he didn't. (This is
That was 12 years ago and we've
where it gets really good.) He made
been married 10 of those years.184
a show of bowing out and turned to
step over the ropes and strode over
to us. (I should mention that it was a “THE NATURE AND EFFECTS OF CONSENSU-
bit overwhelming to have this 6' AL NON-CONSENT” (29 MARCH 2004)
medieval fighter make his way over
to us!) Many couples find themselves of-
He removed his helmet, and stand- ten considering the nature
ing there over me says: “I've killed of consensual non-consent in Taken
your escort. You belong to me now.” In Hand dynamics and its impact on
Then he just walked away. their relationship. Of course there is
I was stunned. Luckily though, my always the concern about abuse and
girlfriend encouraged me to go find its consequences. Often we see dis-
him, because, well, I was certainly cussions about the reluctance of the

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disciplinarian to engage secondary portant in understanding consensual
to fears of legal retribution non-consent. We must have control
from their partner. This will not be to give up in the first place in order
my focus. If any of these kinds of for this particular dynamic to occur.
fears or concerns are present, the Consensual non-consent is about the
necessary foundation of trust has not man taking away the control the
been developed for the kind of dis- woman exercises, although tempo-
cussion I am about to embark upon, rary, in order to stabilize the rela-
and Taken In Hand dynam- tionship.
ics should not be used as a connec- Once consent has been given and
tive sexuality by any such couple. control is present the conditions for
The question of consensual non- consensual non-consent can take
consent comes up frequently in Tak- place. At the foundation of non-
en In Hand discussions for two rea- consent is the taking away of con-
sons, first, we all seek power trol. In trying to understand the na-
and control. It is a natural thing for ture of why this non-consent is
humans to want and need control so powerful to me and other wom-
over the many aspects of their lives. en—and I suppose to men also—I
In many cases its enticement is more have put together a few ideas that
powerful than riches. Second, we all make sense to me. Some of these
seek connection, deep intimate con- ideas, I have gathered from personal
nections with at least one significant experience, and others have shared
other human being. Most of what I their experiences with me. It is a
say will be from a personal and a collection of thoughts. Please under-
female point of view in a heterosex- stand that this is occurring during a
ual relationship. discipline session for disruption of
Submission being a common our relationship in some way. The
theme of Taken In Hand, it is hard goal of our discipline is reconnection
for some to understand that we not punishment. We believe behav-
might actually want or need control ior changes when we are recommit-
in our lives, but it is evidenced in the ted to each other, not because of
very nature of our relationships. severity of punishment.
Women are the most common half Consensual non-consent is a nec-
of the couple to bring this to the essary step to deep intimacy for
forefront of discussion in their rela- those of us who practice domestic
tionships, getting what they want to discipline. It is a taking away of con-
meet their needs and allowing them trol that I am holding on to. My re-
to flourish. Guiding their husbands sponse to that loss of control is a
down the domestic discipline track, positive surrender of all my re-
so to speak. Once we have agree- sistance to the deepest level of inti-
ment about the structure of using macy. When that control is out of
discipline as a relationship dynamic my hands I am at a place of total
we are then set to give consent. openness, amazing things can occur
The relationship between consent when this happens within the
and the control we exercise is im- bounds of a loving, trusting relation-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ship. The doors swing wide open, consent comes into play. We are in
the resistance to everything between no mood to accept this from him,
us just evaporates. My need for him but he is in the mood to give it and
is immense, and I go to him with an he does. The fact is we want it. It's
open mind and heart. After all, he what we hunger for, and most de-
has just taken me to a place that is scribe a deep thrilling response to
highly risky, but has chosen to pro- the husband who will insert himself
tect and care for me, not injure and into the relationship in a powerful
hurt me. How can I not respond manner, taking us, some of us force-
positively to a man who has my life fully, in hand, thus cementing his
and mind literally in his hands and commitment to protect what they
chooses to keep me safe and protect- both cherish. As a woman, I love this
ed because he cherishes me and kind of expression in my partner,
what we share together? My re- that he is that involved and commit-
sponse is deep and abiding love that ted to what we have. I like it that he
binds us as nothing else can. will fight for it, I find that very erot-
Another idea about the attraction ic.
of consensual non-consent that I An example of just how this con-
have learned concerns the husband trol is taken might help here. So let
and his goals. When a breakdown me share this.
occurs in a relationship neither Some women associate this with a
member of the couple want the other physical fight to one degree or an-
to withdraw with anger and hurt. other. It need not be at all. My part-
They both want resolution that ner never wrestles me over his knee.
meets the needs of each of them, but it is just not acceptable. So how does
it is a difficult time. Resistance is he take control when it seems I have
high and feelings are angry or hurt, already given it? Once he has decid-
so it is hard to express the fact that ed to discipline me, I am expected to
we actually want our husbands to do as he tells me. He will not let me
engage with us and participate ra- get away with anything if I do not
ther than withdraw. A lot of the time follow his directions exactly. When
we are actively resisting his attempts he asks for my hand, I had better
at resolution with our often very give it to him.
effective verbal skills, perhaps sub- Once when over his knee he asked
consciously afraid he will simply for my hand. I like to keep it as a
leave or go hide away choosing not form of control, to move away or to
to engage with us. At the same time manipulate the spanking. I did not
we are fully ready to resist any at- want to give it to him, so I kind of
tempts he makes to stop the confron- whined and said noooooo. He did
tation by taking us in hand. not argue at all, not a word. He
In healthy loving relationships simply reached for a really nasty
where consent has been given and paddle and applied it soundly to my
the husband knows he has the re- bared bottom in three or four hard
sponsibility to protect the relation- smacks. I gave him my hand imme-
ship, this is where consensual non- diately without any further argu-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ment or whining. I knew he was in intimacy is removed and the couple
control. make the connection that binds.
If I put my other hand back over Consensual non-consent is the
my bottom during the spanking, he pathway to the deepest form of in-
starts the spanking over. In the cor- timacy. For the husband it expresses
ner I am to follow his directions, if I his commitment to protection and
do not, I get spanked standing in the care of the relationship that is shared
corner, and if I keep it up, I will find between a couple, for the wife it
myself over his knee again for an- allows the removal of all resistance
other spanking. It is quite powerful. to intimacy and allows bonding at
If I am sassy, he deals with it too. I its deepest level.185
can feel the resistance to his gaining
control slipping away, I do begin to “AN 1897 WOMAN'S ‘IDEAL OF MAN-
yield to his authority. That is when HOOD’” (30 MARCH 2004)
we are able to reconnect, not before.
He will not back down. If he did, I Excerpts from Manners for Men, by
would be sorely disappointed. Do I Mrs Humphry, 1897;
resist on purpose? No, not really.
Most of any resistance I have is pret- “Like every other woman, I have
ty real in that it is how I feel— my ideal of manhood. The difficulty
defiant or pissed off or feeling it is is to describe it. First of all, he must
unfair. I need to get rid of this before be a gentleman; but that means so
much that it, in its turn, requires ex-
I can really reconnect to him again
planation. Gentleness and moral
and we can communicate. He knows strength combined must be the sali-
this, thank goodness. What pa- ent characteristics of the gentleman,
tience!! together with that polish that is never
Last but no less powerful is the acquired but in one way: constant as-
erotic nature of all of this. sociation with those so happily
I cannot deny it. Connection and placed that they have enjoyed the in-
intimacy between a loving couple is fluences of education and refinement
all through their lives. He must be
by nature erotic. I am thrilled just
thoughtful for others, kind to women
thinking about him taking control and children and all helpless things,
away from me, and when it comes tender-hearted to the old and the
time for him to do it, I do not actual- poor and the unhappy, but never
ly think about it a great deal because foolishly weak… his brain must be as
I am busy trying to keep it, but I fine as his heart, in fact. There are few
know I want it to happen. If it did such men; but they do exist. I know
not, I would be disappointed. My one or two. Reliable as rocks, judi-
cious in every action, dependable in
journey would not be complete.
trifles as well as the large affairs of
When people speak of the responsi- life, full of mercy and kindness to
bility of the head of household I others, affectionate and well-loved in
think it is this, not so much when to their homes, their lives are pure and
spank or how to spank, but how to kindly.
reach a place where the resistance to “It was once said by a clever man
that no one could be a gentleman all
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
round who had not knocked about ilies of such men would be very glad
the world and associated with all to compound for a little less … hid-
sorts and conditions of men, high and den goodness and rather more gen-
low, rich and poor, good and bad. tleness and outward polish…
Experiences like these are the pro- “Were I asked to give a recipe for
cesses for refining gold. The man who the formation of a good manner I
emerges unharmed from the fire of should recommend an equal measure
poverty and its associations, and who of self-confidence and humility as the
retains his independent manliness in first essential, then a considerable de-
relations with those high-placed, sire to please, tempered by self-
must have within him a fibre of respect which preserves from offi-
strength that is the true essence of ciousness and that annoying air of
manliness. So many, alas, go down… “ingratiating” themselves that some
And so many become obsequious and men assume in society. There must be
subservient, false to themselves, in perfect self-possession, though in the
dealings with those above them. very young this is scarcely expected,
“Well, my ideal does neither. He is a little becoming shyness sitting very
always true to himself, and “cannot well upon them…
then be false to any man.” And he “When self-possession has been ac-
must have a sense of humour too, quired it is well to add on to it the
otherwise he would be far from per- saving grace of gentleness. This quali-
fect. How life is brightened by a sense ty is much misunderstood by men. In
of fun! Think of what breakfast, women they adore it; in themselves
lunch, and dinner would be if all and other men they undervalue it.
were to be as solemn and as serious But women love gentleness in men. It
as some folk would have it! is a most telling piece of the necessary
“If good manners are not practised equipment for society…
at home, but are allowed to lie by un- “Carlyle called the members of up-
til occasion calls upon their wearer to per class society “amiable stoics” in
assume them, they are sure to be a reference to the equable serenity of
bad fit when donned. … Carelessness countenance and calm self-possession
in dress and personal appearance of manner with which they accept
amount to bad manners. … those occasionally trying conditions
“It is not only young men whose of social life which necessitate self-
standard of behaviour in the home is denial in matters great and small…
a low one. Masters of the house… The man of perfect manners is he
who are terribly put out if anyone who is calmly courteous in all cir-
fails in duty to them, are sometimes cumstances, as attentive outwardly to
conspicuously ill-bred in everyday the plain and the elderly as he is to
matters. They are late for every meal, the young and the pretty.” 186
to the discomfort of other members of
the family and the great inconven- “HOW I BECAME SUBMISSIVE” (1 APRIL
ience of the servants. Polite to the
world outside, they are brusque and 2004)
disagreeable in their manner at home:
rough to the servants, rude to their Care to hear how I got interested
wives, and irritable with their chil- in being taken in hand?
dren. Sometimes a good heart and Well, we'll have to go back a few
considerable family affection are hid- years. Jim (my husband of ten years)
den away behind all this, but the fam- and I had obtained the all-American
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
dream: a house all our own in which with honors last October. THEN—
to raise our little boy and little girl. last November, I got my pink slip.
Jim was working in construction and It was in December, just after
I had just landed my dream job in a Christmas, that Jim sat me down
very male-oriented industry, and and tried to explain to me again that
I've been plugging away at it for I am not letting my family down. It
about eight years. wasn't my fault I lost my job. I need-
THEN, three months after I start ed to stop trying to control every-
my dream job, I got pregnant! Big, thing! And he didn't understand
big, unexpected surprise! And alt- why I wouldn't/couldn't just trust
hough the timing wasn't great, we him to provide for us. I think that
believed that there was a reason this because I was the sole provider for
baby wanted to be part of our fami- our family for two years, I'd taken
ly. on a very dominant role. (Let me be
Then 9-11 happened and the econ- quite clear here, I was never domi-
omy went all to hell. Jim wasn't nant in respect to Jim personally—
working much at all and there were just dominant in respect to the
layoffs where I worked too. I can't household functions.)
say for sure, but being seven months Suddenly losing my salary made
pregnant probably saved my job. me realize that I didn't have a clue
Our daughter was born in January where I stood in our family dynam-
and since Jim wasn't working, it ics any more. That's what made me
made sense that he'd just stay home start investigating being taken in
with our three kids instead of hand. It was like therapy in a way. I
shelling out over $200 a week on felt tons of guilt and I knew I had to
daycare. find a way to quit punishing myself.
Do you think a dominant man is I found the Taken In Hand website
appealing? Just give a man who ab- and have positively devoured it. I
solutely adores his children a try! kept reading for a couple of months,
Jim was a great stay-at-home dad. I wondering if I could really let go
remember once I heard him singing and be submissive.
our baby to sleep. He was singing It was just a few weeks ago that I
the A-B-C song. Later, I asked him pointed out the Taken In Hand web-
why he didn't sing a lullaby and he site to Jim. I told him to read it and
said, “Well, I know all the words to let me know what he thinks. Then I
the A-B-C song.” waited. And waited. And waited,
Well, things were humming along and the next time I noticed that he
just fine, but as any stay-at-home was on the computer, playing a stu-
parent can tell you: You've Got To pid computer game, I sarcastically
Get Out Of The House Sometime! pointed out to him that if he has
And in Jim's case, he needed a chal- time to do that, maybe he could
lenge too. So he decided to go back check out the Taken In Hand web-
to night school and learn to be a site.
massage therapist. He graduated Guess what? He shut down. Ig-
nored me and dodged any refer-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ences I made to whether or not he'd sive—already (I cook his favourites;
taken a look yet? (Huh—I wonder I perform any small errands he
why?!) Ugh! What to do? Why was- needs me to do; I rarely, if ever, de-
n't he interested in something that I ny him sex, etc.) And he went on to
was really interested in discussing? describe our marriage as a ship: he's
Back to the computer, reading the captain and I'm first mate. (I
some more, when I stumbled across know he loved the pun on “mate”.)
many articles which gave advice And if the first mate doesn't carry
on how to introduce this sort of rela- out the orders of the captain then it's
tionship to your part- hard to keep the ship sailing. Simi-
ner. One suggested that telling your larly, if the captain doesn't listen to
husband to do this probably isn't the the first mate about the situations on
best way to show that you want to the ship, he can't issue any orders
be submissive. Duh! effectively. (It's hard to write about
So I made a personal decision to his comparison, and I know I'm not
just go ahead and act as if.... I fig- writing it nearly as well as he ex-
ured it was a good plan. This way if plained it, but I did understand—
I didn't like it I could quit without which is what counts.)
any punishment involved. Well—let He said if I wanted him to really
me tell you—my husband noticed a take everything over, he'd certainly
change almost immediately! He comply—he had no problem with
asked why I was so agreeable at one that. And at one point, during our
point and I flat out told him, “I'm talk, he did mention that if I'd like to
being submissive to you. I'd like it if keep making the effort not to fight
you'd check out that website I told him on certain things—obey just a
you about and maybe we could dis- little more—well, than that would be
cuss this more later.” great!
This time, he did go look it up and So I did tell him that relinquishing
read a bit. And he tested my submis- control over our finances (which is
siveness a couple of times before he always an issue of distress in our
finally said, “You know, you do relationship) was something I need-
seem a lot happier!” He was right ed to do. I also told him that I'd real-
too. It was freeing and peaceful to ly try to listen to him, respect him
just let go and trust him. and obey him more. And I asked for
After a week or so we sat down his help in my never-ending diet
and talked. I told him that I agreed and exercise quest (which is some-
with a lot of what I was reading. He thing I have never done before). I'm
said he could understand why I so happy to report that he stepped
liked what I was learning, because right up to the plate, and started
what he discovered—and then pro- asking about our current bills, when
ceeded to point out to me—is that paychecks come in and all about our
we already have this sort of relation- present budget. Plus he's got some
ship, but without spankings. He great ideas of some new ways to get
pointed out how many different me out walking more. (One in par-
ways he's dominant and I'm submis- ticular: he wants to drop me off so
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many miles from home in the morn- is because the moment we met, we
ings, on his way to work, so he both knew that we would spend the
knows I'll have to walk those miles rest of our lives together. If we had
to get back home.) known how painful the years be-
And just because I had to know tween 1995 and 1998 were going to
why he wasn't interested in spank- be, we probably both would have
ing me, I asked and he answered run from each other. As I under-
that he respects me too much to raise stand it now, I was attracted to
his hand to me, but if ever I act so his quiet authoritative presence. He
poorly as to lose his respect, he said, made me feel safe and protected. He
“it's good to know that that option is has confided in me that he could see
there.”187 that I was a beautiful soul trapped
behind very thick walls and that
“SURRENDERING TO THE MAN I NEARLY something was very wrong in my
DESTROYED” (3 APRIL 2004) life.
So why were those three years
I believe in telling the self the bru- hell? I was abusive to this wonderful
tal, honest truth. I am a recov- man. I emasculated him to the point
ered abuser. I am a woman. To un- of constant fear of me. This
derstand this journey, and the dy- knowledge makes me sick to my
namics of my intimate relationship, I stomach. How could I have done
have to give some history of my own that to him? How could I have taken
past. My mother emotionally, men- someone so strong and completely
tally, and physically abused me. I destroyed him? He let this endless
grew up watching the only female rage and patterning of our relation-
role model I had emotionally abuse ship continue for two years. I knew
my dad. I thought this was normal. something was wrong, but didn’t
In conjunction with this modeling of see that I was the problem. After he
a relationship, my mother always became totally unresponsive to me, I
taught me that any man who asserts went out and purchased a journal to
his rights to happiness and peace is write down what I perceived his
a domineering abuser. This was my imperfections were. Every last one
life’s truth until I was about 20. Why of them. He soon started to read my
until then, and not further? A little entries, and I thought this was good.
more history. This way he could see that it was
When I was 17, I moved across the important that he change, because I
country to go live with my soul ma- had bothered to write down all of
te. We had met two and a half years his shortcomings. After a while of
previously, and he is four years old- doing this, he asked me why I only
er than I. The reason we call each wrote negative stuff in that book. So,
other soul mates isn’t because we I began writing positive stuff. There
haven’t had trials and tribulations. were very few entries. After a while
Our life hasn’t been all peachy. The a sort of quiet tension settled over
reason we call each other soul mates our home. This tension melted away
at a very distinct time. He had rec-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ognized the pattern of abuse, and Of all the possible reactions he im-
found the cycle. agined, he did not even give himself
While I was in the “everything is the possibility of my accepting this
wonderful” phase, he handed me revealed thing. Because I reacted in a
that journal and asked me to read it way he did not expect, he was still
all the way through. When I was unsure of our relationship, and
done, I was still not ashamed of didn’t trust that I meant what I had
what I had done to him. He asked said. It has taken years of repeated
me very pointedly and quietly assurances that I found this secret to
how I would feel if I had spent three be ok and I truly did not have a
years hearing and reading those problem with it. Once he realized
awful things directed at me. I this, more desires came out. Not just
thought about it and truthfully told from him, but from myself. We be-
him that it would break my heart gan to communicate wants and
and I would not trust that person. needs that we both thought the other
That it was abuse. would be repulsed by. This built
I have to admit, after three years of more trust between us.
that kind of treatment, confronting Over the last couple of years we
me was very brave. We both worked both have expressed a desire for him
on my attitudes and behaviors to- to be more dominant. We didn’t
ward him and our relationship. We know how to get there though. The
learned how to argue constructively only place he felt safe express-
and how to come to a resolution at ing dominance was in the erotic
the end of the conflict. He was still realm. This sated a need we both
very afraid of me. Not in the sense of had.
abusive behavior anymore, but in Over the past year, he has been on
the sense that he was very afraid of the other side of the world (physical-
my disapproval, fearing the loss of ly, not emotionally). I have had the
love. I didn’t understand, I didn’t opportunity to really examine my
see it. husband, our relationship, and my-
About a year after we had been self. The really great thing about this
married, he told me a secret that necessary arrangement is that com-
could and would have ruined most munications have opened up, wid-
relationships. When he told me this ened. The dam has been opened. I
secret he thought he had already lost began to express to him a need for
me, so there wasn’t much more more of his control in my life. But
damage he could do to himself by how to give that control when I
telling me. The secret itself isn’t im- would not willingly submit to it? I
portant; what is important is that started reading everything about
because of the keeping of this secret, BDSM I could get my hands on. We
there was no trust and we were not talked about the aspects of D/s.
advancing into a truly happy exist- Parts of it bothered both of us, but
ence together. I understood the psy- what was attractive was the flow of
chology behind this type of secret, power. I continued reading and
how it eats away at a relationship. searching the web for an acceptable
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answer. Somehow I ended up here, doesn’t mean he thinks everything is
at Taken in Hand. I read everything. ok. I have come to see how this can
I instinctively understood the con- continually undermine a relation-
cepts and feelings of others here. So I ship, eating at the foundations,
sent the link to this site to my hus- while everything else is still strong
band. The next time we talked we and in place. I have come to realize
both had questions to ask each other; he doesn’t want to completely con-
we talked about the difference in trol every little aspect of my life, but
erotic and punishment spankings, he does want me to be a better per-
how to distinguish between the two; son, a person who will be happy and
we talked about consenting to non- fulfilled in life, a person who won’t
consensual punishment—we talked let literal self-destruction bring her
over every aspect we could think of. to an early end.
He finally told me that a self- I want him to soar with joy, hap-
destructive behavior that I have piness, peace and the sense of pow-
been engaging in has been hurting er. I had been asking him to fix
him deeply and I agreed immediate- things without giving him the tools
ly to begin giving him control over that would best accomplish the task.
this area. As we are currently in a We are both excited and even a little
forced long-distance relationship, bit scared at this new direction. I
we decided what to do now to begin have had a sense of peace settle over
the adjustment. I report every night me. I have noticed in my husband’s
on this. It hasn’t been easy, but I writings that he has come to use the
learned a very long time ago not to passive voice less and less. I can now
lie to him. I am more afraid of dis- recognize when something is truly a
appointing him than of any punish- request, or a command phrased as a
ment he could devise. After a few request.188
weeks of this constant accountability
to him, he confided that since I sur- “WHY TAKEN IN HAND ISN'T ACTUALLY
rendered in this one area, he has felt UNFAIR” (5 APRIL 2004)
the anger at watching the situation
slip away. He no longer asks himself The recent comments
what he is doing wrong. He feels about switching have got me think-
empowered. He asked me if there ing about accountability in a Taken
were other areas I needed his help In Hand style relationship, and the
in. I told him there were other areas apparent inherent unfairness of
I did need help in. I told him there the discipline. Even once you've got
were probably areas I didn’t know I past the fact that both partners have
needed help in. I asked him to really agreed to it, the fact that one person
examine his feelings on my behav- gets disciplined (be it physical or
iors and habits, and that anywhere not) and the other just apologises
he felt powerless was an area that I can still, from the outside, look
needed help. wrong. It just doesn't look right that
I have come to realize that just be- one person—usually the woman—
cause I think everything is well,
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takes more blame for any transgres- Firstly, I won't apologise until I'm
sion than the other does. Surely the calm enough to do so without feel-
man, if he is truly the head of ing like I have to justify my side (I'm
household, and not just a bully, daft like that—if I feel I can't apolo-
should take equal or greater respon- gise without justifying my actions,
sibility for his actions? And can it be then I don't feel like I'm really apol-
truly said he does if, for example, he ogising, just making an excuse of an
gets to spank his wife if she misbe- apology)—and that can take a while.
haves, but she doesn't get to spank And secondly, my husband wants to
him if he doesn't? apologise quite soon after the worst
Well, yes, to be honest. The situa- is over, but will almost always justi-
tion is not unlike a company with a fy his side. Which usually sparks
CEO and their second in command. things off again, although not on the
The CEO has the most power but same scale, simply because of this
also the most responsibility, and so disparate view of apologies we have.
on—see also this explanation. Now I just want to give—and to get—a
I've always been happy with this straight apology—no explanations.
analogy, as far as it goes, but there's He thinks I will feel far better if he
been a niggling feeling that there's explains why he did what he did.
more to it than this, that goes be- And no amount of talking it over
yond the simple consensual agree- has changed things.
ment of the couple. What has changed things is do-
Well, recently something occurred mestic discipline. Being spanked
to me. This may only be true for my brings me out of any mood I may be
relationship—it's certainly the only I in far, far quicker than anything else
can speak of with first hand I know of. The pain and the sensa-
knowledge. We've tried switching— tions give me something far more
we sort-of tried it before we'd gone immediate to concentrate on than
all that far into a DD relationship. petty stuff. And we only ever argue
And it didn't really work. My hus- over petty stuff—the important
band quite enjoys erotic spankings, things we can talk about. Once the
but it just felt odd—and wrong—if I spanking is over, I have let go of all
spanked him for discipline purpos- that pettiness, feel calm and cen-
es. Neither of us got any closure tred—if maybe utterly drained emo-
from it. So, we stuck with what's tionally, and can wholeheartedly
now our current arrangement—if and genuinely apologise. I may
I'm out of line, I get spanked and if apologise before he's finished, but
he is, he apologises. What occurred with practice he's getting to know
to me was why this works for us. when I'm at the state I can apologise,
Our rows, by and large, have fol- and when I've let go of all of it—
lowed a set pattern. It blows up very which may not be at the same time.
quickly, and the most violent part is And it also lets him work off his
over fairly quickly. But it takes a irritability and lose the need to justi-
long time for it to fully subside. And fy anything he may have said or
that's usually because of two things. done. On the other hand, if he has
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
done something that has reasonably and backed off. That frustrated her
upset me, then he apologises—no and left her feeling unloved. The
attempt at justifying it, or explaining problem is that she would not ex-
it away, just a straight, genuine plain that to me.
apology. Once things have calmed When I pressed her for an explana-
down, if he still feels I ought to tion, she said that if she were to ex-
know why he did/said what he did, plain it to me that would put her in
then he'll tell me. But the relation- the position of being in charge and
ship has given him the strength to that isn't what she wants.
realise he can just apologise without Over time and with lots of trial
justifications and I will accept it. and error, I have discovered that
So basically, we have both found a when she goes off at me, what I need
way to short-circuit relationship- to do is to become dominant and not
damaging rows. We are both equally relent in my dominance no matter
accountable for our actions—we just how hard she complains and now
have different ways of it being dealt matter how much she says that
with. It is as much a big deal for him something is my fault.
to admit he was wrong without try- When I take over at these times
ing to justify it as it is for me to swal- and scold her, especially when I do
low my pride and be spanked until so unrelentingly, she ends up crying
I'm calm.189 and leaving the room for a few
minutes. After maybe five or ten
“HOW CAN I BE SURE THAT SHE WANTS TO minutes, she returns, comes up to
BE TAKEN IN HAND?” (6 APRIL 2004) me, hugs me tightly in a not-
wanting to-let-go mood and says she
My wife and I have been married is sorry.
for 22 years and have been together Those moments are the most pas-
for almost 25. For most of that time sionate and loving that we have ever
we were equals. Recently, i.e. for the experienced. It is exactly what she
past three years or so, she has been wants and I am happy to provide.
turning submissive, or more accu- So, I do not need to know how to
rately, she has been asking me to get her to want to be taken in hand.
lead. She wants it. My problem is, how do
I have tried to talk to her about it I decide when to insist on quashing
and have had limited success. There her rebellion versus taking her seri-
comes a point in our discussions ously and listening to what she is
when she doesn't want to have to saying in the moment? How do I
talk about it nor have to explain it decide when she really wants to
any further. She does not want to be obedient and feel my strength
have to give consent to having me versus when she wants to assert her
lead. She simply wants me to do it. own freedom?
In fact, she often rebels against my In other words, if the wife does not
leadership. At first, when she re- want to talk about it, and only wants
belled, I took what she said seriously to do it, how does the husband lead
and know where the limits are? Yes,
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
I could try to talk to her about it but her over the line, I don't know how
when I do, it ruins it for her. She to figure out if she wants me to do it
does not want to have to admit to against her will and to the point of
her need for submission. subduing her.
I need to hear from you how to With scolding, there is no physical
take a woman in hand when she harm. If I go too far, I can heal the
wants it to feel “natural” rather than damage with a hug and a kiss. A
discussed and planned. I don't want good and effective scolding leaves
to cross the line into abuse. How do her hurt and mad at me (temporari-
I know when she has really with- ly, until she has cried alone for a few
drawn consent? minutes).
This includes a physical compo- If a spanking were to be effective
nent. She says vehemently that she along these lines, I wouldn't know it
does not want to be spanked. How- until after it was over. I would only
ever, she teases sometimes by overt- know the outcome after a few
ly waving her behind at me in a minutes had passed and she either
submissive posture. When I mildly came and hugged me—or hated me
pat her she responds well and en- for doing it.
courages me. Yes, we could use a safe-word and
When I turn it into a real spanking, we have done so. The problem is
at first she warms to it. Then, when that it leaves her with power that
it gets to the point where it starts to she does not want. It makes her de-
hurt she says that it's enough and cide when enough is enough. She
complains when I keep going. does not want a safe-word, she
How do I know if those com- wants me to know what to do. What
plaints are real or if I should over- is an honorable man to do?190
rule her and keep going? If I take
over and insist that she take her “TAKEN IN HAND SAVED OUR MARRIAGE
spanking, she might cry and rebel FROM DOOM” (9 APRIL 2004)
and eventually submit, as she does
when I merely scold her. I'm ConfusedOfHomeCounties's h
But she might not. She might feel usband and I just wanted to make a
that I have abused her and it might quick comment to follow on her
hurt our relationship. It might be a wonderful article....*
betrayal of trust for her if I spank her I met C. a little over 11 years ago
against her will or it might be exact- while I was at university aged 20.
ly what she really wants on some My father had just walked out on a
level. How do I tell if there is implic- 25-year marriage, as it had com-
it consent? pletely broken down. My parents
All I know is that a mild spanking never argued, at least not in front of
does not work. It leaves her feeling my sister and me, and it always
unsatisfied and crabby. I know for a
fact that she wants at least a mild
spanking because of her non-verbal * “Moving into a Taken In Hand rela-

communication. But short of taking tionship,” 26 March 2004.

309
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
seemed as if Dad treated Mum as an always been raised to believe that
equal in most things. hitting a woman was wrong, so what
When I first met C. I had more or the hell was I doing spanking the
less the same idea of how our rela- woman I love? To my shock and
tionship (and later marriage) should amazement, the spanking worked
work: we should be equals in all and what I thought was going to be
things. Well, as she said in a huge row was cut short, we both
her article this didn't work very apologised, cuddled and felt better
well, but we managed to keep things afterwards.
together for several years with what When C. sent me the email she
seemed like a very happy marriage mentioned in her article, I sat down
interspersed with searing rows over and read through it, and I was final-
the most petty of things. We have ly able to open up to her and explain
been married now since 1996, and that I felt exactly as she did—that I
we started seeing each other in 1992. should be “in charge” and that we
From my side of things, us being would see how things progress.
equals in the relationship never felt What progress there has been in our
entirely comfortable, but I felt that I relationship since adopting this life-
couldn't express this to her for fear style has been remarkable. As C.
of hurting her feelings or provoking puts it so well, we are simply both
a row. I always had this suppressed so much closer to each other than we
“old-fashioned” feeling that the were before.
husband should be the head of the I feel so much less stressed and ir-
household and that he should be ritable at home, because I know now
responsible in all matters, includ- that if we start to row over some-
ing caring for his wife's needs. I was thing petty I can assert
afraid that what happened to my my authority to stop the row (most
parents would happen to us unless often without C. needing a spanking
something was done to correct the at all!) and if I am in the wrong I
situation; but I didn't know how know that I can apologise without
to broach the idea that I felt that feeling that I need to defend my
I should be in charge of the house- view as I did in the past. I also feel
hold without provoking a row! so much happier about being able to
When C. and I began playing with be myself in the relationship without
spanking and mild D/s in our erotic having to bury my “old-fashioned”
play, it opened my eyes to a new side all the time and when I see
side of her that I didn't know exist- C's adoring eyes looking at me I just
ed, and her suggestion that I should feel so proud and comforted that
spank her for discipline was like a such a wonderful woman trusts me
light switch being thrown. I knew enough to want to be submissive to
that I could explain my feelings to me.
her without a row—the only prob- I truly feel that the Taken in Hand
lem was I had no idea how to begin! relationship that we have now has
Yes, the first time I took her in saved our marriage from eventual
hand I was as nervous as hell. I'd doom.191
310
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
trol. All control must be stripped
“TO BE TAKEN” (16 APRIL 2004) away. Those women who desire
such an experience do not want to
The recent discussion about rape c have to ask for it or orchestrate it;
aused me to consider what is really otherwise it loses its power to move
behind this desire of so many wom- them. This loss of control over their
en. Many women fantasize about bodies is the key to the whole expe-
being raped. It is a common theme rience. It must be raw, animalistic,
in many romance novels read by scary, forceful, unpredictable, hot
millions of women. It is well docu- and sweaty.
mented in academic journals where Although “rape” is such a loaded
such subjects are investigated. It is word, it does reveal something
always a scary undertaking when about the nature of the desired expe-
we explore the darker or primal side rience. For some woman there is
of our natures. something very powerful about be-
We can discuss the merits of the ing “forced” to submit to a stronger
use of the word “rape” ad infinitum. male. It is about being possessed and
But the question remains—why is yes—taken. If you were to think
this experience so important for so about it, it may not seem reasonable.
many women? I would like to move But it is not about reason or think-
past the word and on to the experi- ing, it is about being caught up in a
ence the boss was trying to capture powerful experience which fills all
in her article.* one's senses. It is primal. It may be
Being a man, it is difficult or even that some women want only the
impossible for me to fully under- masturbatory fantasy, but others
stand a woman's desire to want to move beyond the dreaming
be dominated by a man in a sexual and sexual longing and experience
the real thing.
act. After the boss's article† appeared
In some important ways being
I spoke with my wife asking her
sexually taken, for a woman, is no
why was it that so many women
different from what happens when
entertain such fantasies. Her re-
her man spanks her. He takes con-
sponse was quite simple. She told
trol of her by deciding when it is
me that many women, including
going to happen and by determining
her, desire a sexual experience in
how and what is to happen during
which they are physically and sex-
the disciplinary session. It happens
ually dominated by a strong male.
despite her protests. It could be ar-
She describes it as a mixture of
gued that a spanking is different in
feelings that are both scary and ex-
that it is not necessarily an erotic
hilarating at the same time. My wife
experience, especially at the moment
emphasized that it is very important
of its delivery. But it is similar in
that it not be something she can con-
that it is primal: it is about loss of
control. I believe this is where its
* “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004. power lies. What ties these two ex-
† “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004. periences together for my wife—
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
being sexually taken and being tak- dynamics are different, and that
en in hand—is that at some point what works for one may kill anoth-
she surrenders to it. And although at er.
first she resists, in the end she sur- Most people in Taken In Hand re-
renders to the will of the man who lationships would not dream of
masters her. shoving their relationship style
Despite its controversial nature, down another's throat as “the one
the boss's article and the consequent true way”.
discussion gets to something deeply Most people here have arrived at
profound about our sexuality as their current arrangements through
men and women. Although I am discussion with their partner, and
certainly not a theologian, I have where the man is in charge, that is
always been fascinated by this part something both want and have
of Genesis 3:16: “and thy desire shall agreed to because it works for them.
be to thy husband, and he shall rule Because one person is responsible
over thee.” If we leave aside the the- for making the final decision, there
ological interpretation (please allow is a lot more discussion before a de-
me some literary licence) and see it cision is made, and the other per-
as a purely mythological archetype, son's views are respected a lot more.
for me it simply demonstrates the Following on from the above, there
powerful feeling a woman has for a is a lot more openness.
man. It is this desire that lies beneath Both the husband and the wife will
our thin veneer of civilized mores try their hardest not to do anything
and behavior. Although I don't feel I that will hurt the other. Maybe this
have the words to adequately con- should be top of this list, because it
vey this mystery, I do know strikes me as one of the most im-
firsthand its power to move my portant aspects. The allocation of
wife. And in the final analysis, that power in a Taken In Hand-style rela-
is what matters to me.192 tionship means that a lot more care
has to be taken by both partners to
“ARE YOU UNDER MISAPPREHENSIONS ensure it doesn't become abusive.
Communication is the key to any
ABOUT TAKEN IN HAND?” (18 APRIL
relationship, of course, but in a Tak-
2004) en In Hand-style relationship, the
commitment made to actually listen
The first time I looked at Taken In
to and understand your partner is
Hand, I really wasn't sure there was far, far greater because the risks are
anything here for me—but some- that much worse. Yes, it is entirely
thing had hooked me, and the more possible to be completely open and
I read, the more I realised my initial
honest in a relationship without the
assumptions were mistaken.
framework of Taken In Hand/DD,
So, to summarise what I've picked
but some people find that frame-
up from this site:
work helps.
Most people here think that each
relationship is different, that the
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
A lot of people in this sort of rela- Before we got married, I had some
tionship are highly sexual creatures idea of what I wanted, but I never
who are not afraid to initiate sex. expressed it for fear of losing her.
Above all, a Taken In Hand-style Because of that fear, I have a gaping
relationship is about honesty and hole in my life that should have been
openness on both sides. filled with happiness and content-
And finally, most of the women ment. So, here is the real blame for
here seem to be strong women in the the whole mess; I was too willing to
outside world, involved in jobs in all bend, at the expense of my desires
sectors, including male roles.193 and needs. As a result of that, I be-
came increasingly unhappy and
“THE HAZARDS OF SELF-SACRIFICE AND crawled deeper into my cave.
IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS” (20 APRIL Nowadays I have gone to the other
extreme: I have become unbending
2004) and very demanding in the relation-
ships that pass by me. My standards
When I got married, I settled for a
are far too high, and it's quite possi-
relationship that was almost mean-
ble that no mere mortal can meet
ingless. I think we loved each other,
them. This needs to be tempered,
but there was a certain quality that
but by how much? I wonder now
was missing. I married her because
how many relationships that I have
we got along well and I gave up on
trashed from a snap judgement of a
finding the one that had the sparks
minor human frailty that would
to make the relationship fly.
have actually been good for me.
After a while, the relationship de-
I am not looking for perfection in
teriorated into a depressing exist-
spite of my actions which say oth-
ence that was occasionally perforat-
erwise. I have gone from very low
ed by irrationally violent arguments.
expectations to those that are exces-
Later, she applied for divorce, which
sively high. I need to bring these
was another very nasty episode. I
expectations down to a humanly
blamed her. I blamed her for the
accessible level. I struggle now with
whole mess. She was responsible for
how low to bring them and still
the lousy marriage, she started the
maintain a decent standard from
arguments, and she went out of her
which I can derive an acceptable
way to make my life miserable.
relationship.194
This is how I chose to view this en-
tire disastrous chapter in my life for
a long time after it ended. Looking “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS”
back, I finally understand what was (21 APRIL 2004)
missing. She was a feminist, so what
we had was an “equal” marriage, I want to tell you a cautionary tale
but it was more equal for her than about a friend of mine, in the hope
for me, and I allowed it to be that that you will not suffer the same
way. distress he did. This friend of mine,
whom I'll call “Joe”, met a woman

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online in a chatroom for people in On several occasions, she agreed to
his town in England. They chatted meet, and then did not turn up. Lat-
and emailed madly for ages, Joe er, she always had a perfect ex-
falling passionately in love with her. cuse—car accident, grandmother
She had sent him her picture dying, you name it, it sounded plau-
(well, a picture—who can say if it sible. But after about the third such
was of her? It is easy to grab a pic- time, I smelt a rat... One thing that
ture of someone else off the net...). everyone in any kind of relationship
After Joe had well and truly fallen needs to keep clear in their mind is
for her, and was in a terrible state that actions speak louder than
because she kept either refusing to words and if a person's actions belie
meet him or cancelling dates, he their words, it is the actions you
discovered that far from being a 35- should believe, not the words.
year-old accountant in England, this Another friend of mine fell apart
person (we still don't know if it was over a woman who was extremely
a woman....) was writing from a friendly to him whenever they met,
university server in the USA. It was looking deeply into his eyes and
probably a student. appearing to find him so very inter-
I mention this story because there esting.... and yet somehow, she nev-
were some big red flags he should er quite got around to seeing him
have seen, and which you should alone, on a date. There was always
not miss yourself if you are in a some excuse. Her words said she
similar situation: was very interested indeed; her ac-
First, despite writing vast amounts tions said she wasn't. He should
of email to Joe and chatting a lot, have listened to her actions. Instead,
and appearing from what she said to she led him a merry dance that went
be extremely keen on Joe, this per- nowhere and cost him a fortune in
son did not meet Joe, not even in a expensive gifts to her, not to men-
public place for coffee. If a person is tion a broken heart...
really interested, and he or she has And before you conclude that this
nothing to hide, they are going to chap must be a sad loser and a gulli-
want to meet up. There is nothing ble fool, let me tell you that in fact he
worse than getting really close to is a highly intelligent, insightful,
someone online, only to discover switched-on, sharp-witted, rational,
that there is zero attraction chemis- mature, even cynical man who has
try when you meet in person. This women throwing themselves at him
woman claimed that she had had constantly and who had never be-
bad experiences/been abused or fore been the one being strung
something, and that that was why along. It can happen to the best of
she was reluctant to meet even after us.
a long time, but given the feeling But to get back to Joe, eventually, I
expressed in her email messages and got so sick of his angst-ridden phone
chats, this reluctance simply did not calls to me about this woman whose
add up. actions did not seem to me con-
sistent with her words, that I per-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
suaded Joe to run the most basic How many of us have tried to
check on her, just to rule out my make a potential relationship into
hunch that she was not who she said something it really isn't?
she was. (For detailed easy-to-follow Has anyone ever succeeded?
technical instructions on how to run “Sparks” and chemistry are a re-
the check I ran on the information in sult of the right two people mixing
her email message headers, click together and creating something that
here.)* is more than the sum of its parts.
Joe was at first very angry with me It is mysterious. It can't be manu-
for suggesting that she wasn't genu- factured. It can't be demanded. It is
ine. After all, he had her home ad- like a force of nature.
dress, and he had driven past her To settle for less only ensures you
house and seen her BMW outside, will never reach your full potential
and she really seemed to know within a relationship.
about accountancy so she must be an To me, chemistry comes before
accountant, right? And surely she any sort of relationship structure—
must be in England, because her even a Taken In Hand relationship.
email address was a yahoo.co.uk The structure only enhances what
one, right? Wrong! You can get a should already be there.196
yahoo.co.uk address whether or not
you are in the UK. You can get a “THE ALPHA MALE AND MASCULINE POW-
yahoo.com address whether or not ER” (23 APRIL 2004)
you are in the USA. And if you have
visited a place, you might know that Being a calm, rational, imperturb-
there is often a BMW parked outside able sort of person, it is not often
the house. that the mere presence of another
We all know that actions speak person has the power to do any
louder than words, but even the more than make me recoil from the
most rational individuals can some- olfactory shock caused by their hali-
times get swept up in excitement tosis or their overpowering after-
and forget everything they know. shave. But very occasionally (about
And that is why I make no apology once a decade) I have found myself
for stating the obvious: because intensely affected by the mere pres-
sometimes we all need a remind- ence of a particular man—so in-
er.195 tensely affected that it has taken
every ounce of self-control to appear
“CHEMISTRY IS INDISPENSABLE” (21 unmoved.
APRIL 2004) The effect is extreme, both physi-
cally and psychologically. Primal.
“Sparks” are indispensible. Overwhelming. It feels as though
the man has godlike power—the
power of a man; masculine power.
You feel totally held by this power.
* “Is he who (or where) he says he is?”
The desire to be takenby the man is
20 October 2003.
315
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
so intense that it is frightening. It can another woman cold, and vise ver-
be difficult to breathe, or difficult to sa?
remain standing, let alone maintain I once asked a man if he was aware
a conversation. Bone dry mouth, of having masculine power (he was
zero appetite, heart all over the a very long way away at the time!)
place, the fear that you might faint, and from his answer, it seems that
shaking like a leaf, body positively other women had felt it too, but he
screaming to be taken, a reckless seemed to have no idea why, and
willingness and primal desire to do assumed that all men naturally have
whatever that man wants. this indefinable, mysterious quality
The masculine power of the man— that might be termed “masculine
you feel that power with every fibre power”. But they don't. Or perhaps I
of your being. Melting in a white-hot am just blind to its existence in the
inferno of desire, out of your senses, vast majority of men.
so far out of control psychologically Am I confusing psychological
that you can't even imagine being in power with masculinity? I myself
control, totally in his power. You have psychological power and
feel owned by the man, totally his, strength, so I do not think of power
totally submissive. as being a masculine quality. And
If at the time, you're at an academ- yet, this thing I am talking about
ic conference unrelated to your own feels to me overwhelming-
field, and you are trying to have a ly masculine, of a man, alpha male.
highly technical discussion about an What is it?
arcane piece of research, say, being Possibly the following might be
thus affected by a complete stranger part of it, but I feel very dissatisfied
can be a little disturbing. Just as well with my analysis of it so far, so I am
it only happens once a decade. And hoping for some discussion on this
just as well I have iron self-control. subject, some criticism, and some
I've been thinking about this a lot enlightenment.
lately. What exactly is it that causes The power to command, the quiet
this extreme response? Do other confidence to know for sure that he
women experience this too? (Yes!) Is will prevail, and the daring to go for
it something that can develop in a it and take what he wants.
particular man, or is it something A commanding presence even if he
that is either there or not there? doesn't know it. Faint heart never
What do these men have that others won fair lady. Fearlessness—or dar-
don't? Are they the legendary hu- ing or courage even in the face of
man alpha males? Why do some fear. He who dares, wins. Calm as-
men have it and not others? Is there surance. The absence of any hint of
actually something objectively dif- asking for a favour or appealing to
ferent about them, and if so, what? pity. Directness. Activeness. Effec-
Or is it a subjective thing, such that a tiveness. Not hiding behind a flirty
man whose presence would cause exterior never daring to risk being
this response in me would leave direct.

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It seems easier to say what it isn't and [dare to] do [the scary things I
than what it is. It is not directly re- passionately wanted to do] any-
lated to appearance, or not obvious- way”. And that this has significantly
ly so to me, anyway. And whilst affected the way others see me—
quiet confidence might be part of it, though as someone once pointed out
there are plenty of men who are to me, that in itself implies a
positively brimming with confi- strength of will that not everyone
dence who do not move me at all. I has.
alluded to the alpha male idea be- I'd love to discuss this. Perhaps
cause it seems as though dominance you have some fascinating insights
is a part of it, but it seems to me to to share—in which case, please
be the sort of unaffected, unselfcon- do!197
scious dominance one might call
“natural dominance” rather than the “CONSENSUAL RAPE AS A GIFT OF CON-
theatrical, affected, dominance I see TROL” (26 APRIL 2004)
in many a BDSM “Dom”. It does not
seem as though the man needs to be Both Stephen's article* and the
aware of the effect he has, and in- boss's article† have really stirred up
deed, men who appear to think that some interesting topics that really
they are God's gift to women tend to have nothing to do with the original
confirm me in my atheism. ;-) point at all. And I have sincerely
On the other hand, men who have enjoyed reading them all. What
a victim mentality, or who appeal to seems a bit interesting is that so
pity, or who plead or beg for fa- many posters aren't really address-
vours, or who grovel, or who are ing the true subject of the original
delicate, sensitive, mystical souls topic... that of being given the gift of
like Ayn Rand's “eminent young another form of control and domi-
poet [who] was pale and slender… nance and submission in a relation-
had a soft, sensitive mouth, and eyes ship.
hurt by the whole universe”, or who There are so many forms of con-
seem helpless, or who are endlessly trol... mind control, emotional con-
sorry for themselves, or who have a trol, and physical control, just to
bad temper that they can't control, name a few. In most cases, the wom-
or who otherwise appear weak, an must exercise some control her-
don't have it. self and choose to submit. Unless
I assume that it is a quality that she is tied down, or up as the case
can develop, rather than being may be, even submitting to a spank-
something fixed or something you ing is a choice she has to make even
are born with. Life's experiences and if she doesn't want the spanking. She
the will to make changes in yourself still has a choice at that moment to
and your life surely can effect signif- submit to it or not.
icant changes. I know that I myself
have actively developed my own
confidence and strength over the * “To be taken,” 16 April 2004.
years, forcing myself to “feel the fear † “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004.
317
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
When a woman is physical- just who is who in the relationship.
ly taken against her will (and I am Or who is what in the relationship.
talking about in a consensual non- Some women only want/need a
consensual way and am in no small amount of control; others
way talking about in a stranger off crave deeper control. And that is not
the street or in a fit of anger in a rela- implying they want or need to
tionship way) something happens be micromanaged. They want to be
deep within her (in some women, controlled where the control is quite
anyway) that is very hard to explain. literally taken to a physical level.
There is just something very hum- That is just one way it can be done
bling and eye opening when the for some.
man can control her and her body As far as it being a gift...God yes,
even when she is physically resist- it's a gift from the man to give us
ing. that form of his power and domina-
When I am lost in the struggle and tion. Because as was stated in an
fighting tooth and nail to not be tak- earlier post,* just the fact that one
en, and my body begins to respond knows they can and choose not to is
and my eyes grow wide and my face very powerful indeed. But to actual-
burns with humiliation and I fight ly be allowed to feel it and live it is,
harder and struggle to not let hap- after all, a gift from the one who has
pen what I know is about to happen the power.
and he sees it and feels it and be- What works for each of us indi-
comes even stronger in his insistence vidually and as a couple may not
to have all of me… When my body work for all of us. But...none are
explodes in release and I am still better or lesser than the other. We
fighting and the knowledge and just are.198
acceptance sweeps over me that in
reality, even if I wanted to be free, “SUBMISSION AND SECURITY” (1 MAY
my body will always belong to him, 2004)
at any given time and in any given
situation that he so chose… It's very I have to say that of late, I have not
hard to describe what happens in- been all that submissive. It's not be-
side me then. That kind of control is cause I am not submissive, or I don't
very different from other kinds of want to be, or any other reason but
control and for some, it is important one: I have not been asked to be
that they feel it along with the rest submissive.
too. I suppose during our relationship,
I don't believe it's about sexual re- the evolution, and the ongoing, my
pression or suppression or feel- submission was a very big part of
ing “dirty” or traditional roles or who we are, where we go and most
anything else. It is about being con-
trolled and it does bring on a very * See:
deep and primal response that is <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012
very animalistic and eye opening to 8053022/http://www.takeninhan-
d.com/to.be.taken#comment-1030>
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
importantly...how we connect. Oh, er, he saw too what he was miss-
life goes on, and I suppose that is ing—and desiring.
part of the why this is happening. But even more startling, was his
Pressures from work, pressures from realization that he had not been flex-
health and just being spread very ing his dominance and that there is
thin and not working quite so hard no room for that type of absence in
on the home front. our dynamics.
How does that leave me feeling? I Gary's take on that was that no, it
questioned that when I found myself should never happen. It was his lack
rather floundering. What am I look- of noticing, his lack of picking up on
ing for, searching, wanting and cer- my obvious hints, his lack of seeing
tainly yearning for? that something more serious was
I did not come into this relation- coming. He feels things like this
ship submissive. I was a spirited and bump have absolutely no place
independent person who was more within our relationship.
than able to solve the problems of We have solved our problem and
my world. Not that I ever lost that. I now are back to being sweetly Gary
suppose I added my submission. But and Blush. And he knows that sub-
it was that very addition that gave mission does not come with a hard
so much substance to who I am. To here-and-now. It is to be eased into.
who we are. So what am I really And he is easing into it. And I am
missing? happily listening—and it's been a
When I looked, really looked—I while.
miss the security of his control. Happily I can say that last night
There hasn't been much “stand over Gary was as focused and intimate as
there, put your eyes down, wear this only he can be. He explained (as he
today.” The affection has not waned, did so long ago) that while I am
nor the constant watchfulness, and loved, and pampered and spoiled, I
we remain as devoted as always. I am also to bow my head to him, am
do not feel neglected or anything but punished by him and accept his cor-
cherished. rection.
But I am missing the connection. Never once in the past would I
The one that seems to come so natu- have thought this type of love rela-
rally when I submit. With some em- tionship would become so very im-
barrassment, with some feeble re- portant to me. I guess I have just
sistance and with a knowledge on found myself supporting what I did
both our parts that I will. I miss it. not know before. And I do indeed
I have to say it was not entirely need Gary to take me in hand.199
easy to convince Gary this was not
part of the menu and that I was not “AUTHORITY IN A TAKEN IN HAND RELA-
satisfied. But Gary always validates TIONSHIP” (5 MAY 2004)
me and was finally able to see what I
was saying, and more so, what I was Authority is the right or power to
feeling. And once he dug a bit deep- enforce rules or give orders. As a

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
man with an interest in having a ask her to do something, I would
Taken In Hand relationship, I like expect her to do it, and would pun-
the idea of having the power to ex- ish her if she did not. I would of
ercise authority over a woman who course want my woman to feel free
would enjoy that. I have no interest to speak her mind, raise objections,
in being in an authority position and I would hear her ideas, opinions
over a woman for whom that would and complaints. But in the end, I
not be exciting and enjoyable: it would be the authority and I would
would have to be consensual. I am make the decisions and she would
not someone who thinks men have be subject to that authority
the moral right to be in authority and willingly so.
over their women: this is only for Having said all this, I am a very
those who find the idea of authority laid-back, easy-going, non-deman-
fun, exciting and erotic. ding person, and I believe in exercis-
I like the idea of being with a ing my authority with a very light
woman who would accept my au- touch. I think this important for a
thority—a woman who would want Taken In Hand relationship.
me to have the right to make deci- Although I said I'd expect obedi-
sions and command obedience. I like ence, I'd be disappointed if my
the idea that if I were to tell my woman had no spirit and playful
woman to do something, she would mischievousness sometimes. I
do it. If she were to disobey me, I wouldn't expect punishment to be
would punish her. The woman for very frequent, and I would expect it
me would be someone who would always to bring us together and
find that exciting, a woman who to reaffirm our connection, never to
is aroused by authority, and by my make my woman miserable or dis-
exercising that authority over her. tress her for any length of time. If
I'd like to have authority partly be- authority were not something posi-
cause of its power to short-circuit tive for both, it would not have the
relationship-damaging rows, as power to excite me. Consent is par-
ConfusedofHomeCounties* and the amount: I don't want to take away
boss† have explained. But mainly women's rights.200
(let's be honest!) because it's sexy.
Even if I were mistaken (or if the “THE SEXUALITY OF ‘NON-SEXUAL’ DOMI-
woman thought I was mistaken), I'd NANCE” (7 MAY 2004)
still expect her to accept my authori-
ty and obey me. I am not into having When people ask whether you
a servant, and would not use my want to be “dominated” what is
authority to extract service from my your answer? I never quite know
woman, but even here, if I were to whether the answer is yes or no. It
depends! Is the questioner referring
* “Why Taken In Hand isn’t actually to what is commonly known as sex-
unfair,” 5 April 2004. ual dominance, or some other sort?
† “Why you should not withhold a

spanking!” 29 November 2003.

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Many Taken In Hand readers are thority, control, the man being more
positively turned off by the idea of generally in charge. They respond
being dominated sexually—but sex- sexually to non-sexual dominance
ually turned on by being dominated but not to sexual dominance. They
in other ways. get a sexual kick out of being with a
If you enjoy being dominated sex- man who is naturally and unselfcon-
ually, you might like being tied up sciously dominant, and who takes
and left to wait, or you might like charge in respectful, easy-going,
being told what to do in the sexual understated ways. They just don't
arena. If you have service-orientated happen to enjoy service-orientated
submissive tendencies, you are submission or being told what to do
probably thrilled by the idea of be- sexually.
ing required to serve your man sex- Understanding exactly what it is
ually. You might like being given you and your loved one like is half
moment-by-moment instructions, the battle. The more you understand
possibly in a sharp voice or a com- about each other, the more likely
manding tone. If you have masochis- you are to be able to jointly cre-
tic tendencies too, you might like ate new ways of interacting that
being made to wear nipple clamps thrill both of you and lead to further
or subjected to other painful proce- exciting discoveries. And remember:
dures. There is also humiliation and what you like or dislike today may
no doubt other things that might not be what you like or dislike to-
come under the heading of sexual morrow.
dominance. Whatever you like, whoever you
If sexual dominance leaves you are, I wish you joy in your relation-
cold, you are likely to be indifferent ships.201
to these things, or more likely posi-
tively turned off by them. You might “TAKEN IN HAND BY AN ARDENT FEMINIST”
well very much want to please your (11 MAY 2004)
man sexually but thoroughly dislike
being told what to do sexually on a What a delight to find this
moment-by-moment basis. site where articulate members have
Many women make the mistake of expressed positive feelings
thinking that because sexual domi- about feminism without being re-
nance and service-orientated sub- viled or ridiculed. This is a breath of
mission leave them cold, they have fresh air in the often predictable
no desire to be dominated at all. Or world of DD (domestic discipline)
that they are mixed-up. Or that and its “oh for the good old days”
when their heart races at the thought sentiments.
of being with a man who wears the For almost 17 years I have been
trousers, there is nothing sexual married to one of the most ardent
about it. feminists I have ever known—my
Actually, it is sexual. What is going husband. His genuine and empa-
on here in many cases is that such thetic love of women has meant he
women are aroused sexually by au-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
has never been short on female is a feminist.” Without feminism I
friends. I am just glad that he is would never have had the right to
straight! Most men who understand make the choices that led me to find
women as well as he does are gay. my soulmate. I would never have
He’s also an excellent cook and loves had the independence financially or
shopping. You can see why he may physically to leave the country of
seem sort of borderline to strangers. my birth and immigrate to his.
On the other hand he can handle a Reconciling feminism with
rifle, loves rock climbing, and golfs a submissive intimate life is easy. I
and fishes when he gets the chance. am an adult, fully able to make in-
He’s male through and through. dependent decisions without worry-
I could never submit to an insecure ing that the murmuring crowd may
man who felt some arbitrary patriar- not approve of me. We choose to
chal role made his opinions more live a Taken In Hand lifestyle be-
valid than mine or his decisions in- cause the power structure works for
herently superior. MB would no us. Do we care what others might
more use his position (and all that think about that? Not by half.
that entails—paddle, hairbrush— MB would have no joy in leading
whatever) to try to silence my opin- a weak woman. Anyone can walk on
ions about human rights (especial- a doormat. I would not follow a man
ly the F-word) than he would use it who thought his biological differ-
try to change my favourite colour. ence entitled him to a God-given
Winning through beating? Where’s right to lead.
the victory in that? In a way then, feminism brought
Ironically, MB is the one who us together. Decisions made from a
reads or points out articles that in- position of strength are far more
flame his sense of injustice— enduring than those made through
frequently as they pertain to women. coercion or financial or other materi-
He notices inequities that escape me. al inequities. We are partners. But he
I love, respect, and trust him simply has the deciding vote. It’s not a diffi-
because I know he has a deep sense cult formula.202
of fair play and right and wrong.
Is he always fair when I am taken “THE WORM TURNS (A LITTLE LATE, BUT
in hand? Hardly. He is human. But I BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!)” (22 JUNE
have promised to submit and submit
I do. I take comfort in knowing that
2004)
he’ll never be malevolent with
I'm been lurking on this site for
his discipline. He takes me out of
many weeks now, reading the mate-
my comfort zone but never to the
rial with fascination. It's shown me
point where I am in real danger,
that an Internet site doesn't have to
physically or emotionally.
be pornographic to be sexually
As someone said to me years ago,
arousing. But more importantly than
“any woman who believes she has
stirring my loins, it has stirred my
the right to vote, hold a driver’s li-
hopes for my marriage.
cence or keep her own bank account
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
By the end of the year I'll have are times when she acts like a child
turned 60. My wife is three years who needs looking after (and I do
younger than me. We've been mar- look after her). And there have been
ried nearly 22 years, and for the last other times when she's bitterly re-
few years the marriage has been sented my acting like an equal in-
virtually sexless. stead of like an assertive man.
I can't bear to write a long essay I have to find my way out of this. I
about all the details of our relation- believe one important direction is to
ship and all the possible causes of start to earn according to my poten-
the problem: in a nutshell, I believe tial. I'm guilty of having lived off her
the main reason is her anger at me money, and doing chores around the
for failing to be the financial provid- house isn't sufficient recompense for
er in our home. She's a teacher and what I've cheated her of.
earns a respectable salary: I'm a free- Another direction in which I have
lance writer and editor, and earn to grow is being firm with her in
intermittently. Furthermore, when I those matters where she's irrational
do earn, it's very little: and on the and incapable of unsticking her-
occasions when I've taken well-paid self—areas such as her weight, her
steady positions, I've managed to fear of professional advancement,
lose the jobs after a year or two, en- her bouts of depression. I know I've
tirely through my own failings. My provided her with plenty of support
wife is brought low by our periodic in the past; if I can move from being
money crises, and by our chronic a friend and counsellor to being a
inability to plan ambitiously because firm manager in these areas, perhaps
we never have much money. I can take her in hand elsewhere too.
In day-to-day life we relate to each I'm determined to have a flourishing
other in terms of prickly equality. sex life, and I'd really like it to be
The only areas in which I'm the boss with her. You can imagine how I'm
are the routine male chores of put- tormented by this site's delectable
ting out the rubbish, filling the car, visions of sex in general, and spank-
and managing the computer. In ad- ing in particular, enthusiastically
dition, since I mostly work from given and received.
home, I'm landed with many of the All my life I've prided myself on
routine household chores, and cook- being a nice guy, and now I have to
ing the evening meal. She takes re- face up to the fact that I've been an
sponsibility for the interesting meals irresponsible wimp. Do you think
when we're entertaining, for interior it's possible for me to turn my life
decor, for the garden—and she does around at 60?
the DIY. Best wishes to all of you on this
If I were to propose taking the role site, and especially to the wonderful
of the head of the household, I women who contribute.203
would choke on the words, and she
would laugh bitterly. Yet I have “TIMESHARE TAMING” (25 JUNE 2004)
cause to think that, deep down,
that's what she's looking for. There
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
When I first found this website I of me? It's crazy. But as I'm getting
thought “Crikey, I'm in bleed- pretty old now I don't let things like
ing Stepford Wifeland,” but I realised that worry me too much. I'll proba-
as I read further that there was more bly be entering the menopause zone
to it than that. I read articles in a few years' time, when, as my
like “Taken In Hand by an ardent husband remarks, “You'll be even
feminist” with confused feelings of more bloody cantankerous than you
envy, distaste, attraction, revulsion, are now.”
bewilderment and (might as well Oh, how nice it would be to feel
admit it) arousal. serene and submissive and hap-
Wouldn't it be wonderful to just py all the time. But with me the
totally relinquish control to my hus- submissiveness never seems to last;
band and be completely submissive. it wears off, and then I'm my usual
Then I think about the furious row self again. I am a shrew who
we had earlier today and the horri- can be tamed, but only on a tempo-
ble things I screamed at him, and I rary basis. A sort of Timeshare Tam-
say to myself “Come off it! You'd ing.204
never manage it. A submissive wife
simply does not tell her husband that “WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE SUBMIS-
she wishes she could turn him into a SIVE?” (15 JULY 2004)
rat and set the cat on him.” Maddy's
observation* about any woman be- If a woman reacts strongly against
ing a feminist if she believes she being described as submissive, and
should be able to vote, hold a driv- delights in having a commanding
er's license and have her own bank presence but likes it when a man
account is good (though my hus- takes charge with her, is she “domi-
band actually thinks women nant [but] in denial”, as Bill
shouldn't be allowed to drive—he P. suggested, submissive but in de-
says they can't turn the steering nial, or just plain confused? If she
wheel all the way round so they enjoys expressing all the different
never go round corners properly, aspects of her personality and feels
they dither too much, and they exuberant and free when with a man
haven't got the brain power). who appreciates all of her instead of
I used to have very confused feel- wanting her to express only one bit
ings about sexual equality, etc. I of herself, is she marvellously mul-
used to wonder how I could believe tidimensional or in need of psychiat-
in the equality of the sexes and yet ric help?
yearn so strongly to be dominated. Those women with an aversion to
How could I really be a feminist being (metaphorically as opposed
when my idea of bliss is having a to literally) pinned down think
man put me across his knee about these things the way others
and wallop the living daylights out think about football or world hun-
ger.
* “Taken In Hand by an ardent femi-

nist,” 11 May 2004.

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
In a comment on Taken In Hand, hood and a static, lifeless relation-
Scarlett wrote: ship, they feel like a push to eviscer-
ate a valuable part of the woman's
In D/s, there's almost a parallel personality: the dominant, effective,
“gender” created, the dominant and assertive, even masculine side.
submissive Dominant and strong I may be, but
the last thing I want is to dominate a
When I read that, I was struck by
man. Whilst I have the greatest re-
the thought that the way I'd prefer
spect for non-dominant, submissive
to interact in a relationship would be
men, I am not drawn to them as
more DD than D/s. Not “DD” as in
men. I want a man even more domi-
“domestic discipline”—I do not fan-
nant than I. A man who exerts con-
tasise about being spanked or sub-
trol as a natural part of his personali-
jected to infantilising disciplinary
ty. And whilst I am not at all the
action—but “dominant-dominant”.
fighting sort, in the event that there
Preferring naturally dominant
are any conflicts, I want the man to
men, I have sometimes attempted to
win. I want the man to be in con-
think of myself as being submis-
trol—but not by requiring of me that
sive—but that label just doesn't fit.
I shut down half my personality and
Not at all. Not even remotely. For
become unnaturally submissive, and
some women, submission can feel
not by requiring that I diminish my-
liberating and exciting and they feel
self in any way.
anything but diminished by it. That
This is not about being in denial, it
is marvellous! But when I read the
is about recognising the reality and
wonderful writings of such women,
examining the implications. If you
no matter how beautiful the style
have a dominant, strong, masculine
and no matter what the content is, I
personality, and you can't relate to
just can't relate to it. And nor could I
the little girl idea, attempting to see
remain happy and vibrant with a
yourself as a submissive little girl is
man who wanted me to give him
asking for trouble. To have a good
submission. Apparently I am not
relationship, you have to relate to
alone in this. This inability to identi-
one another as the individuals you
fy with the “submissive” label ap-
are, not as the individuals you think
pears to be characteristic of the taken
you ought to be. A relationship re-
in hand woman.
quiring that you enact fixed stereo-
Several women have said that
typical roles is bound to be handi-
when a man likes only their soft,
capped and a handicap to your own
feminine side, or wants them always
individual growth.
to dress that way, or tells them never
So if you think you may be falling
to cut their long hair, or expects
into the mistake of damping down
mindless obedience and a submis-
your dominant, masculine side, chal-
sive attitude at all times, they find it
lenge your assumption that that is
off-putting. Not only do those things
necessary or in any way desirable. It
feel like a push towards the stale
simply isn't true that if you want a
boredom of stereotypical woman-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
dominant man, you have to be sub- These liberating insights can free
missive. You can both be dominant! women from the thought that they
You may think that with two dom- are lacking in femininity or that they
inant personalities what you'd have need to act or become more submis-
is one almighty power struggle but sive. Once you feel free to embrace
that is not necessarily so. It depends. and express the dominant/masc-
Do the dominant characteristics of uline aspects of yourself, you are no
each person arise out of weakness or longer fighting a battle for control of
out of strength? If the former, there your personality. And when you
is bound to be a power struggle; if stop waging that war on yourself,
the latter, any struggles there may you are bound to lose the defensive-
be are likely to be fun rather than ness that is inevitably associated
destructive. If both individuals need with that sort of inner conflict. This
to “win” to increase their self-esteem can bring a deep and abiding sense
or protect their fragile ego, there of peace. Paradoxically, this peace-
may well be problems. But if they fulness can give the woman a soft-
each appreciate and even encourage ness that seems exquisitely feminine.
the dominant, masculine side of the Who says that if you want a domi-
other and they broadly feel in accord nant man, you have to suppress
with one another about how to run your dominant side and be submis-
their relationship (for example, at sive?!205
least one of them does not want to
“win”), and they share a sense of fun “THERE IS NO KNIGHT IN SHINING AR-
in their interactions, they may well MOUR” (9 AUGUST 2004)
have a blast together.
Recognising that expressing your Before I married R, I told him I
dominant, masculine side need not was afraid I'd walk all over him. His
be a threat, and need not lead reply was, “if you think you can!”
to fights, but may lead to a deeper, The ensuing years were submis-
more exciting, more fulfilling rela- sive ones for me. I let him be the
tionship is liberating. It frees you man, make the decisions, start new
from the psychological tyranny of businesses, while I home-schooled
self-imposed pseudo-submission. It and housekept and was the social
frees you to be fully yourself. It frees instigator for our life. I used to
you to interact as the person you are. command all the finances, but felt I
And contrary to what you might was becoming a shrew when I
think if you are in certain sections of wouldn't let him spend our money. I
BDSM sub-culture, many naturally turned them over to him. All was
dominant men prefer naturally well. By the recession of '91, it was
strong, dominant women, because if obvious that one income could not
a woman is obviously strong, the sustain our little family. I went to
man can relax and not worry that his work.
strength will overwhelm her, just as I am a workaholic, competitive,
is the case in reverse. and responsible to a fault. He is un-

326
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
able to work for someone other than helping us both. He's being pushed
himself. I scrimped and scrimped, out of his nest a bit, but it's making
cut my own hair and never bought a him remember what it was like to be
thing for myself. He bought every competitive, alive, moving forward.
toy and gadget that he fancied. After Personal growth is messy and un-
23 years, I realized that I was very comfortable, (just look at a teenag-
angry at him. He never thought of er!) but growth is a sign of health.
me, but assumed I was still sitting Will our marriage survive? I'm not
behind him on the "bitch seat" (bik- sure yet. But a better relationship
er's term) happy to be along for the has arisen from all the chaotic
ride. Was he ever surprised and changes.
threatened when I woke up to my Get healthy, get happy, be yourself
own dreams, too long on hold while by yourself. If it's just about sexual
waiting for him to find himself and gratification, spanking can be a part
get happy. But, he's a good man, and or not. If it's about mutual respect
he got it. and personal growth, then the sex
Girls, Guys, there are no shining will be hot, whether you spank or
knights who come along and make not.206
everything right. There's just your-
self, and what you do with that. It's “HOW TAKEN IN HAND EXORCISED MY
been a bumpy adjustment, but I took INNER DEMON” (11 AUGUST 2004)
my life carefully into my own hands,
freed myself from expecting any- Last night my husband took me in
thing from my husband, and made a hand physically for the very first
life for myself. We're still adjusting, time. Oh, he’s spanked me before
but he's happy because I'm no long- but not with the satisfaction and
er angry with him. And I like him a immediate results that were appar-
lot more since I'm spending my ent last night.
money on what I want to see devel- I have this inner voice; my hus-
oped, the work I want to do (not a band calls it my demon. You know,
bloody office job forever!) and I've that insidious voice that tells me I’m
been encouraging him to do what he fat, ugly, irresponsible, and lazy. It’s
loves and not worry about me. something that I’ve always strug-
We're adults, after all. gled with but lately it hasn’t been as
It's a kind of separation that has loud.
made us both stronger. He realizes For a long time I was severely de-
now how much I've contributed to pressed, my self-esteem was almost
his comfort and goals. He appreci- nil, and I was anxious about every-
ates that I want to spend my hard- thing from meeting new people to
earned money on my own business the horrible looming future. Howev-
investment. It's hard to see him fi- er, recently, within the last year to be
nancially uncomfortable, since I had exact, my persona has totally
previously dedicated my life and changed. I am now a confident,
income to making him happy. No warm, upbeat, very spirited young
more. I'm making me happy, and it's
327
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
woman. It’s taken a lot of therapy, let me have it. Soon I was crying, but
support from my husband, and a you know what? All of the sudden,
little anti-depressant to get there but while he was spanking me, my spirit
the change has been tremendous. changed. I felt the weakness, the
However, yesterday I got a visit spiritual and emotional pain drain
from my old self. I was going to take out of me. My heart and soul felt
my two kids to the pool but I stronger and I started laughing. CD
couldn’t find my pool pass so a asked me if the old C was gone and I
voice in my head crept in whisper- was able to answer confidently,
ing “irresponsible.” Then I got busy “Yes!”
and was unable to take a shower so My tail was warm and throbbing
another voice joined the first saying, but my soul was renewed while the
“Ugly, dirty, gross.”Then I tried on soul zapping demon was shown the
some old summer clothes to take to door. Now we know that when I fall
the beach and they didn’t fit so yet into old bad habits, all that my hus-
another voice chimed, “fat, fat, fat.” band has to do is take me in hand to
To top it off I couldn’t find my an- get me back on track!207
ti-depressant prescription so that
voice whispering “irresponsible” “THREE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES OF RAPE”
started screaming in my head. By (13 AUGUST 2004)
the time my Husband, CD, got home
I was a mess. At the age of fifteen (I was still a
Once I got my older daughter to virgin), I was brutally raped by the
bed I went downstairs to CD’s office guy (18) I had been dating steady for
to talk to him and see if he could almost two years. It was violent and
help me through this. He was kind incredibly painful and totally unex-
and loving while I whined and sim- pected. His demeanor towards me
pered, beating myself up. Then his was total anger. I remember after-
demeanor changed and he became wards, when he had fallen asleep,
the dominant husband we’ve recent- getting up to leave and his brother
ly uncovered since discovering the meeting me in the hall. He had
Taken in Hand site two weeks ago. heard everything from the next
He got very firm with me and said, room, and took it upon himself to
“Just stop it. That’s enough of the take care of me, and take me home.
pity party. Tell the old C, that old Maybe this is the underlying as-
demon, that it’s time for her to go.” pect of my own rape fantasies—the
I whined that he was being mean fact that I lost my own virginity to
to me and I needed his sympathy rape.
and support not his annoyance. At Being a stupid, naïve teenager, I
that point he looked at me calmly continued to date X, at least a four
but firmly and said, “This is B.S. more times. I guess I thought this
We’re not getting anywhere, bend was an isolated incident. Each date
over.” ended with him forcing himself on
I argued with him a little but in the me in extreme anger. I finally decid-
end went over his knee and he really
328
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
ed to end the relationship after the the fear accompanied by not being in
last incident where he gagged and control.
tied me to the wooden arms of a It has been over three years, and
couch at a friend's house, and raped only the one time (so-far), but my
me numerous times in front of his husband (of 20 years) and I played
friends. This last assault finally end- out the role, at my request, of non-
ed when he passed out and a friend consensual rape, and it was exhila-
untied me. I promptly left, never to rating. It was brutal and unnerving,
see him again. and painful at times, but it was what
The human mind is a funny thing. I needed. I was scared, because I
I didn’t even remember this happen- knew I had absolutely no control,
ing until 20 years later, and I had and shaking and almost crying at
been happily marred to my current times, but the orgasms I had were
husband (maybe this presented me a incredible, and the catharsis of living
safe zone for the memory to come out this fantasy with one I loved and
back). All I can remember remem- trusted implicitly was incredible.
bering as a teenager, was that we And our relationship has grown
had sex—but the memories were closer since, and continues to do so.
blurry. When the full memories We haven’t felt the need to do this
came back, they hit me like a brick. since, but I know if we ever do that
It took about a month for me to sort it will be wonderful, whoever insti-
through everything, and put them gates it.
into the past. I don’t know if the initial incident
About four years after the first in- is what sparked my fantasies or if it
cident, I was kidnapped at knife- is the need for a “loss of control”
point and raped by a stranger. The situation, but I know that it is very
strongest memory I have of this is satisfying to me to have done this,
that I became detached from my and to know that it is available
body and watched like a spectator again, should the need arise.
until it was over. This time I was I guess what I am trying to do here
scared for my life because the at- is to give a personal insight, for
tacker had a weapon. those who are curious, based on my
Yes, I responded to both incidents experiences in both the actual act of
by getting wet, but because the first rape (anger) and what the boss was
was with someone I knew and talking about* (CAFL).208
thought I loved, I remember the feel
of him in me. The second, I can’t “KNIGHTS EARN THE NAME” (18 AUGUST
even remember the feel of his hands 2004)
touching me—just the knife.
Yes, now I have fantasies of rape,
but like it has been stated, it is with
the who that I want the choice. I
don’t crave the feelings of extreme
terror and fearing for my life, just
* “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004.
329
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
The Knight in Shining Armor* al- sumes her, and she becomes the
legory arises from the man saving beast that once held her soul captive.
the woman from the dragon that is There are no knights in her mind.
within her. If a man is unable to ac- She sees only weak men beyond the
complish that task, he quickly loses printed and televised romance nov-
his luster in her eyes. els into which she so desperately
Some of the saddest relationships tries to escape her plight. As the
have been those in which the wom- woman scorned in her own mind,
an says, “I really don't know why she may even plunge into prescrip-
we got married.” To be sure, there tions and alcohol in an effort to es-
was sex. There may even have been cape her plight. She may even try to
children. But there was no lasting prove her worth by spinning straw
intimacy. The two did not become into gold in the hope of being res-
one. cued by a king.
On that level, it does not much To be taken in hand is to be led—
matter whom someone marries. It is sometimes dragged—through the
a marriage of convenience rather various halls, up the stairs, and
than a partnership. In retrospect, so through the doors of her mind until
much of what they shared together the woman emerges into the bright
was faked. sunlight of martial bliss in the arms
Conversely, if a woman has emo- of the man who cared enough to
tional baggage—and most women rescue her. There, safe from the
harbor latent guilt and frustration dragon that held her captive, she is
within themselves—and the man is free to be held, wooed, and loved as
able to lift it from her, so that she she never thought possible.
can become the true person trapped Only then will she see her knight.
within herself, then she will be come Until then, the man in her life might
his. Sadly, if her burden is not lifted as well be just another toad hopping
from her—liberating her from the about, gobbling insects, and leaving
dragon of her seething thoughts and droppings.209
maddening swirl of ideas—then she
is still held in the castle of her mind “I AM A MAN LOOKING FOR THE ONE. HOW
zealously guarded by the dragon. DOES TAKEN IN HAND APPLY IN THE DA-
The frustration of trying to claw
TING PHASE?” (24 AUGUST 2004)
her own way out of the stone-like
dungeon into which her dragon has
Given that Taken In Hand rela-
placed her only adds to her anger—
tionships are married ones, if you are
which she often takes out on the
a man who wants a Taken In Hand
man whom she, subconsciously at
relationship, how do you proceed
least, thought would rescue her.
before you are married, when you
Bickering, faultfinding, and dissatis-
are trying to find the right person, or
faction grow until the dragon con-
still just in the dating phase with the
right person?
* “There is no knight in shining ar-

mour,” 9 August 2004.

330
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
There is no recipe for the creation says something unacceptable to you,
of a delectable relationship, because that seems disrespectful to you, or
a relationship arises out of who you like a test of your mettle, do not let it
and your girlfriend are as individuals, pass to be polite, or because you
and out of your interactions togeth- want to be a nice guy.
er. A relationship evolves over time. If you let a woman treat you disre-
It is not possible to create it over- spectfully or otherwise trample your
night by an act of will. boundaries, she will despise you for
Having said that, here are a few it. She doesn't want you to let her do
very broad guidelines: that! She wants you to nip that non-
It would be a mistake to act as if sense in the bud. And if you do that,
you are already married: it takes you will thereby release her from the
time to create a good relationship, fear that you might not be willing or
and if you act as though you are able to wear the trousers in the rela-
already married, that might well tionship. When she no longer fears
seem off-putting presumptuous to that she might find herself wearing
the woman you are merely dating. the trousers in a relationship with
On the other hand, it would also you, she will relax and the testing
be a mistake to act as if you would will stop.
never want to be in charge. If your You may have noticed, when you
girlfriend wants to be with a man were at school, that some teachers
who will be in charge, she is likely to had complete control of the class
feel compelled to test you to check without ever having to shout, while
that you will be capable of being in other teachers shouted and pun-
charge and that you have sufficient ished pupils constantly and yet nev-
self-respect not to put up with any er managed to get even a modicum
nonsense. of control of the class. Teach yourself
Annoying though this testing is, it to be like the teachers who could
is necessary, because many men do control the class just by the quiet
not want to be in charge and some force of their will.
might want to but have not quite Yes this is something you can
managed to learn how yet, and for a teach yourself. Plenty of men man-
woman who wants a Taken In Hand age to teach themselves to have this
relationship, it would be a disaster power. In addition to reading this
to marry such a man. She wants a site, you might like to read Athol
happy marriage just like you do, so Kay's website* and perhaps comb
she needs to be sure that you are the other Game sites and PUA (pickup
right man for her, just as you need to artistry)/seduction) sites for relevant
be sure she is the right woman for helpful ideas. Much of the advice in
you. Think of it as a dance the two of the Game and PUA worlds appears
you do to learn enough about each
other to decide whether or not you * See:
are right for each other. <https://web.archive.org/web/2013013
So while you are just dating, when 0092427/http://marriedmansexli-
the woman you are dating does or fe.com/>
331
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
to have been written by men who him never quite know where they
unfortunately have a chip on their are with him, and that is very unset-
shoulder—i.e., it is not aimed at men tling.
with Taken In Hand inclinations. When you are being firm, your
Nevertheless, if you have the pa- frame of mind is important. One of
tience, do sift through all that bad the biggest mistakes people make is
advice to find the good stuff. Do be feeling defensive or angry or enti-
warned that some of it is positively tled—that she owes you this. She
chilling even if you have quite a doesn't owe you this, and even if she
strong stomach. But there is a huge does, expecting her to grit her teeth
body of knowledge containing much and give you this because it's her
useful truth in the Game and PUA duty is simply not smart psychologi-
worlds for those who have the pa- cally. Why would she or you or any-
tience to find it. one else want to be with someone
But let's get back to the subject in with that attitude? It's just not attrac-
hand: How should you decisively tive, fun, sexy or in any way enjoya-
deal with tests of your mettle? In- ble, is it? So the way to think about
stead of shouting, glaring at her or this is to keep in the forefront of
throwing things, try to deal with her your mind the idea that the purpose
nonsense calmly, kindly but of you being firm is to create a hot,
very firmly. It is perfectly reasonable sexy, exciting relationship that you
for you to require your date to treat both find enjoyable and satisfying.
you well. Do not feel guilty about Yes, of course you want to be
imposing your will in this respect! treated with respect and so on, but
She wants you to impose your will that requires firmness with a posi-
in this respect! Respect yourself and tive attitude (think: firmness is hot
expect others to respect you too. You for the girl!), not firmness coming
deserve to be treated with respect, from a sense of entitlement, anger or
don't you? defensiveness. If you always keep in
You have boundaries. Enforce mind that the point is not that she
them. Having good personal bound- jolly well owes you this, but that this
aries is necessary for both partners is necessary to create and maintain
for the creation of a good relation- respect and sexual attraction, you
ship. Those who allow others to are much less likely to make a mis-
walk all over them grow to resent take when you take a stand.
the other person, and that makes a Being firm definitely does not
good relationship impossible. So mean threatening to dump your
both you and your date each need to woman unless she changes her be-
be a person with firm boundaries. haviour, unless you have no confi-
Having and enforcing good bounda- dence in your ability to nip her non-
ries in no way makes you a bad per- sense in the bud or you have lost
son. On the contrary, it makes you a interest anyway. What it means is
person who makes others feel com- that you call her on it, and tell her
fortable. When a person lacks good calmly that her behaviour is unac-
boundaries, those interacting with ceptable and that you deserve re-
332
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
spect and that you expect her to treat be with a man who would let you
you accordingly. If she does not walk all over him, would you?”
immediately change her attitude or If she feels misjudged in this par-
apologise, end the interaction and ticular case, it is possible that you
leave her to think about what you have indeed misjudged this particu-
have said for an hour or two or even lar little incident—you are a fallible
a day or two in some cases. Then, human being—but do not get side-
again, continue not to put up with tracked into arguing about this little
poor treatment, and see whether her incident. Instead, acknowledge that
behaviour improves. But throughout as you are a fallible human being it
these interactions, never forget the is possible that you are mistaken in
idea of firmness as highly erotic and this case, and then quietly and calm-
soothing for the girl. The moment you ly ask her again to confirm that she
forget that and think fight!, all is lost. would not want to be with a man
To make it more likely that she who would let her walk all over
will improve, assume that she has him. When she settles down and
no idea what you want, and give her confirms that indeed she wouldn't,
clear, specific, concrete instructions. say “Good”, give her a hug and gen-
Tell her what she could have said or tly but firmly redirect her attention
done that would have been accepta- to an unrelated matter to chivvy her
ble. Women are not mind readers, into a better mood. (Example: “Now,
any more than men are. Tell her let's go for a nice walk together.
what to say to you when she feels Where's your coat?”)
frustrated/angry/upset or whatev- None of this involves shouting at
er. Again, keep in mind the idea that her, striking her or punishing her.
you telling her what to do is erotic, What you are doing is quietly insist-
not unpleasant. Always assume the ing that you be treated well, and
best about her, or interact with her appealing to the good person you
as though you do. Think: she's a know is there in the woman you are
good person who will want to im- dating, and creating sexual attrac-
prove, and will find my bossiness tion and excitement by being firm
erotic, not: she's an evil witch. If you with a positive spirit. People tend to
do think she's an evil witch, perhaps live up to expectations. Expect the
it's time to find someone more wor- best from her and she will give you
thy of you?! her best most of the time. Dealing
Explain to your girl that you are with nonsense in this way is far
looking for a woman who will treat more powerful than expressing your
you with respect because you are anger in a less controlled way.
not the kind of man who finds the When an interaction goes wrong
idea of lying in the mud and being and you can see that you are
walked all over to your taste. Look fighting or about to fight, acknowl-
her in the eye and watch her reac- edging that you are fallible and that
tion as you add quietly and confi- it is therefore indeed possible that
dently sure of her inherent good- you might be mistaken in this par-
ness: “You wouldn't actually want to ticular case takes the fight out of the
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
situation. It is unexpected. It may those ideas are inappropriate to
seem weak to you but actually it is mention in a dating situation, you
very strong. When you feel weak, could tell her what you would do if
you try to protect and defend your- you were married, but don't say
self. When you feel strong, you can something like that unless you are
afford to acknowledge that you actually thinking of marrying her.
aren't infallible and that it is possible You could say something like:
in a given case that you could be “You may be able to get away with x
mistaken. The point you want to get now, but that is only because we are
across to the woman you are dating just dating; if we were married
is not about this particular incident, things would be very different.”
so you lose nothing by acknowledg- Watch her reaction carefully. If she
ing the possibility that you might appears unmoved by such a state-
possibly be mistaken. The important ment, consider the possibility that
point is that you want her to treat she is either not Taken In Hand in-
you well. So having acknowledged clined or not that into you. In that
that indeed you are fallible, case consider the possibility that you
again quietly and calmly tell her how have let her get away with too much
she must treat you. nonsense, and she is now, as a re-
Whether or not you are mistaken sult, losing attraction to you.
in a given case, you are not mistaken If you do know you want to marry
in the larger point, which is that no this girl, it is better to err on the side
matter how much easier it might be of doing whatever it takes to nip
just to let such incidents go, you nonsense in the bud than on the side
know that is not good for the health of being the nice guy. If you have set
of a relationship longer term. You a wedding date and have issued the
know that she is not a woman who invitations, do not wait until you are
would want to be with a wimp who married to enforce your will. How
would accept poor treatment, and you deal with her nonsense now will
that she is likely to lose attraction to set the tone for your marriage, so
you if you aren't firm. Tell her the enforce your boundaries very firmly
truth. There is no need to keep this a now. You can help your woman
secret. Explain all this to her. It is learn how to treat you. It is in your
perfectly reasonable. You are not power. She wants to learn. It's hot
trying to put one over on her, you for her.
are trying to create a hot, delightful Whatever your stage of dating,
relationship with the woman you pay attention to your woman's reac-
want—hot and delightful for both of tions and calibrate your actions ac-
you, not just you. Even if cordingly. Each woman if different.
you are mistaken in a given incident, There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
she can still see the reasonableness You need to do what you yourself
of what you are trying to do. think best given who you and she
If you have ideas about how you are as individuals and given your
might deal with nonsense if you relationship together.
were married to the woman, and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Your relationship is a system. You American PO-leece...I studied and
can change it, and your woman, by read everything I could get my
making small changes yourself. You hands on regarding law enforcement
do not need to feel helpless.* You (not to mention hours upon hours
have the power. See this post† for watching COPS on TV) LOL! Any-
more on this.210 way, I knew that this was a calling
for me—almost as if it were or-
“LEARNING THE ROPES” (25 AUGUST dained by God for me to do this. I
asked questions, I read books, I
2004)
watched training videos, I talked
[The following was an email to my with people who'd been doing this
girlfriend.] job for years.
So, there I was, driving around Much to my dismay, they were
minding my own business...like a vague on a lot of the “meat” of the
good cop always does, when the job. Many times, I would ask, “Well
clarity light went off in my head...it if this happens, then what?” and
was quite blinding actually. I want- more times than not, their answers
ed to call you and say, okay, I got it. would be something to the effect of,
I've had an epiphany of sorts, and I “Well, there's nothing set in concrete
wanted to share it with you. So, I on stuff like that because every situ-
will attempt to recall to memory ation is different.” They'd go on to
what I came up with, from the idea, say, “A lot of situations are similar,
to a more practical sense of what I'm but never the same.” So, oh man, I
feeling. thought... I need to know everything
As I said before, while I was driv- about everything in police work in
ing around, I began thinking... You order to be good at it.....
know, Ken, try to remember what it Well, as you might have guessed, I
was like when you first became a made a ton of mistakes. This was
cop. Now you might think, WTF nothing like I expected. I thought,
does this have to do with anything? well I remember seeing this or hear-
Just bear with me on this one. ing about this situation, but damn it,
When I first became a cop, I was there's a different twist this time, so,
really gung ho about being the All- now what?! I felt like I couldn't do it,
like I was wrong about every singe
facet of the job.
* [This is an answer to a frequently- It wasn't until I'd been doing this
asked question: this page is part of the for about three years that I noticed a
FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post significant change in the way I han-
is answering the question or discussing dled things.. You know, something
the above post. The question is: I am a would happen and I'd think, okay,
man looking for the one. How does here's what we're going to
Taken In Hand apply in the dating
phase?]
do...and voila—it was right.
† “I want us to have a Taken In Hand I can remember back to my Acad-
relationship. How can I persuade my emy days and listening (haphazard-
wife?” 11 November 2012. ly) to my instructor on domestic
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
violence and rookie officers. He said, do is not think of dominance as a
“It's funny to witness a rookie officer label, or what I think you think I
on his first domestic assault call. The should be like.
scene is complete chaos...lots of yell- What I do need from you is your
ing, screaming, crying, etc. The rook- patience and your support. I need
ie officer tries his very best to be you to understand that I don't know
diplomatic, telling everyone to everything there is to know about
please calm down; sir this, sir that; taking you in hand—although I can
ma'am this, ma'am that—many handcuff you in more ways that you
times just making things worse.” can imagine ;-) ... I will need you to
The instructor then said, “What's be have an undying faith in my abil-
amazing is that you can watch that ity to lead us, guide us, and support
same officer, similar situation, but us. I won't let anything or anyone
three years later—and the officer has harm you, and I do value your opin-
that policeman scowl, walks up and ion and your judgement.
says, “Okay, you: sit the fuck down This means so much to me. It
and shut the fuck up” and he turns means more to me than I know how
to the other person on the scene and to articulate, that you're, in a sense,
says, “and you sit your ass over there giving me my freedom and my dig-
and be quiet until I ask you to say nity back. Do you remember when
something“.” you told me that I made you feel like
So the thought I was having to- a real woman, that no one else ever
night is...I don't have to know every- has? Well, you make me feel like a
thing in the world about being dom- real man... and just so you know...
inant... I'm inherently dominant and no one else ever has.
have been for a long time. I have just All of this has stirred my very soul
never acted on my true nature be- and for the first time in my life, I feel
fore now. I know I'm bound to make like what I'm doing here is worth-
a ton of mistakes, just like I did in while. Now, that may sound a little
my job, before I'm able to have it extreme, but I feel liberated and
down pat. strong... kind of like my eyes have
Dominance to me means being a been opened—and I have you to
leader, being kind and compassion- thank for that.
ate, fair and honest—but stern. A So, in short, with all that I've said
truly dominant man doesn't take his you've done for me, I want you to
woman for granted and knows the know that you have my loyalty,
difference between loving, intimate trust, respect, and admiration. I
discipline, and being cruel and hurt- think that a man—or anyone else for
ful. that matter—who doesn't appreciate
There's no set way of doing things, being shown a glimpse of the great-
and it will be different for us from ness that that person has the poten-
how it may be for another couple. tial for, is doomed from the begin-
What I have to do is concentrate on ning.
what is right for us, be consistent I hope that you have a very clear
and be myself. What I also have to perception of how I feel and what
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I've thought about all night tonight. I that it had hurt worse than she
hope that you had one terrific night thought it should—which is why she
at work, and I hope that you have had thoroughly inspected the dam-
the sweetest of dreams... and most age!
importantly, I hope that you know We have never had formal house
that I'm just head over heels crazy rules as such. Neither my wife nor I
about you... There are not enough wanted the type of marriage that our
adjectives in Webster's to describe parents had (neither of our mothers
my feelings for you. Goodnight to was spanked and it showed on occa-
you, my precious Anna Grace....211 sion) and, independently before we
began dating, we reached the con-
“DECADES OF DISCIPLINE, DECADES OF clusion that discipline needed to be a
HAPPY MARRIAGE” (26 AUGUST 2004) part of any permanent relationship
into which we entered—either joint-
Since the day I resurrected Tom ly or severally.
Newman's old traditional marriage Originally, spanking was primari-
board a few years ago, one question ly used to either set our marriage
has emerged in private and public back on track or prevent things from
conversation: after many decades of getting too far out of kilter. For both
marriage, why do I still find it neces- of us, the marriage was a commit-
sary to spank my wife. (It is a varia- ment rather than a disposable diver-
tion of the old “do you still beat sion. It was something we wanted.
your wife?” accusation.) At various points in time, my wife
Another recurring question is why has admitted that her life would
did I start or, in variation, why does have been a mess if she had not mar-
she let me? Then, there is that recur- ried a man who could handle her.
ring question about children. Like many women, she wanted a
The first real spanking that I gave man who was not only good to her,
my wife was before we were mar- but good for her.
ried. It was for playing a little two- Although, I have spanked for ly-
faced game. ing, stubbornness, and disobedience,
That was, it turned out, the first I have never spanked for dirty dish-
time anyone had spanked her hard es in the sink. Those, I will wash
enough to let her know that they before I spank her over them. Like-
really meant business! I reportedly wise, the vacuum cleaner fits my
left quite visible marks even through hand as well as it does hers.
a wool dress. No one had ever done From the early beginnings, disci-
that to her before. She was furious. pline in our house has evolved into a
While she refused to speak to me cleansing. And, that is what it is
for three days thereafter, she later today—a catharsis. Over the past
concluded that, not only was it couple of decades, we have found
something that her father should the desirable frequency to be about
have done, it was really what she once or twice a month.
wanted in a man. The problem was Although she expects any spank-
ing to get through, my wife left the
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
decision-making up to me as to we asked to be left alone and the
when and how—even over her ob- child obliged.
jections. Sometimes she has been While we were closely watched
disciplined three times in one day! over the next several days, our inter-
The “thermometer,” as she calls it, action seemed to satisfy any linger-
which triggers a spanking is the pal- ing doubts.
pable tension within her buttocks. It From that experience, especially as
is quite accurate. Although she can other parents got divorces and their
feel the stress building, she expects children shared their grief with ours,
me to discover the problem and I came to the conclusion that chil-
provide the necessary remedy. dren understand spanking much
One of the curious things we have better than they do acrimony and
discovered over the years is that, divorce.
even through menopause and the Later, our children admitted that
various problems of post-modern our marriage was a rock of stability
life, those all-important little num- in their lives. It was something on
bers from her various physical ex- which they could count.
ams and lab tests have remained in In reflection, I am not wholly con-
the normal range. She and I both vinced that discovering that their
believe that the usual tensions of mother gets spanked is the worst
daily life are not allowed to accumu- thing that can happen to children. In
late for long periods of time in her the context of a loving family, it
system before being purged. might prove to be beneficial.
Probably our biggest secret has One benefit in our family was that
been that we never really made a big our need to discipline declined. The
deal out of domestic discipline—we word was out. Not even being a
just did it and went on with our grown-up made bottoms safe!212
lives. Meanwhile, it seems, those
who do make a big deal out of it are “DON'T FORGET YOUR WHIP” (27 AU-
those who do not practice it— GUST 2004)
especially if they suspect they
should be. Unless there is some mitigating
Sometimes, not making a big deal circumstance, women generally feel
out of it can mean being accidentally more comfortable with a man who
discovered. Years ago, despite living will take charge. It is not a man's
in a rather large old house, we were tyranny that hurts woman so much
discovered by our oldest when we as his indifference. It is widespread,
failed to close the door long after even epidemic, apathy and indiffer-
bedtime. ence that may be ripping into wom-
Instead of blaming the child's curi- en's health today.
osity, we took the time to honestly Nature abhors a vacuum. Yet,
explain what was happening, why it when women try to fill the vacuum
sometimes needed to be done, and created by a weak man, all sorts of
gave assurances of our love. Then, problems emerge.

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I tell men that, if they really For some women, it might begin
are serious about wanting to spend with a woman threatening a man
the rest of their life with a woman, it with a call to the police if he lays a
perfectly normal to want to turn her hand on her. The battle royal might
over their knee at some point—and, start when he physically hauls her
if they want to live in rela- into the bedroom. (The “Put me
tive peace with the woman, they had down this instant!” demand.)
better act on their desire at some Other women might go along with
point. an unwanted spanking until it really
A woman knows that the pain vis- begins to hurt—as when her hus-
ited on her bottom is meaningful band transgresses from laying it on
only if the man does it because he her bottom to thrashing the back of
loves her. Otherwise, she will build her thighs. Still another woman may
a stone wall around her emotions. suspect or know that her loss of
That is why I recommend that men composure is going to be overheard
turn women over their knee early in by others.
the relationship—before they It does not matter at what point
get surprised. the resistance occurs. Even the rea-
For one thing, it gets the “he hit son does not matter much. It might
me” out of the way in a sane and be that she has told him that she will
safe fashion. It also sends a signal not tolerate a belt being used on her.
that, whatever professors told her in Or it might be being turned over his
women's studies, she can be knee like a child—so she cannot
spanked and getting spanked is not easily tighten her buns and which
a traumatizing experience that will causes abdominal distress—that sets
ruin the rest of her life. her off.
If the man is thorough in his task, It might be that she is so frustrated
he gets to see what a real witch the about so many things over which
love of his life can be—and it gets she does not have any real control
that out of the way as well. Once all that she believes that her normally
the unpleasantness is dispensed loving husband has turned into an
with, they can get down to the real unreasonable tyrant.
job of building a relationship. The particulars are not nearly as
I agree with Friedrich Nie- important as the predictable explo-
tzsche.* Whether he uses it or sion. Figuratively speaking, her
not, women do need to know that curses may blister the wallpaper!
the man has a whip. And sometimes, She may call her husband names
it is necessary to get beyond the po- that would shock her mother. She
lite and tasteful, and into may throw a temper tantrum that
the rape aspect of discipline. would positively astound a spoiled-
rotten two-year-old.
When it happens, no matter what
* “You go to a woman? Do not forget form it takes, the man simply gets
your whip.” Nietzsche: Thus Spake Zara- the woman beyond it. In the end,
thustra (XVIII: Old and Young Women)
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
both know that he is in control—not chills and fever. Whether he caresses
her. This is the shrew tamed. her lips or blisters her bottom, he
Men who can take control bring will have her undivided attention.
healing power to a woman's mind. More importantly, she will have his.
A woman is not likely to engage in Her groans of erotic ecstasy will blur
fantasy when she is with a strong with her cries of fiery pain until even
man. Nor, from my observations, is she will not be able to sort them out
she as likely to seek escape in novels in her mind. They are all one in her
or mind-altering substances. mind.
Much the same methods that are That is why I believe that, when it
used to tame a shrew can also be comes time to face the music, many
used to create a prostitute or a slave. women prefer nudity. She knows
The difference is in the words the whatever the man does, it will be
man uses when the woman is at her because he loves her and she wants
most vulnerable. For good or for absolutely nothing to stand in the
evil, given time, the woman eventu- way of that experience! It is where
ally becomes what the man makes sin and sensuality mingles with pain
her. and penance to produce love and
The man who takes control of a respect.
woman does just that. When it While I have little or no inclination
comes time to smack a woman's to withhold a well-deserved spank-
bottom he chooses the time, place, ing as punishment, I do believe that
position, instrument, rhythm, dura- customary punishment should be
tion, and the like. By doing so, he administered at the man's discretion
creates a contradiction in that, while and should be little affected by the
very little he does at the moment woman's machinations. In other
pleases her, everything he does is for words, she should not be allowed to
her. In the end, both he and she dictate the time and place any more
must understand that he is in con- than to interfere with meddlesome
trol. The ritual is a contest of wills in hands or verbal combativeness.
which he wins without doing her In a curious way, the phallus and
any permanent damage, and the rod (stick, cane, paddle, etc.) are
she respects him as a result. much the same. Both are controlled
For the man, it is a time- by the man and are used on the
consuming endeavor—much like woman. Both can bring a woman
taking a second job, pursuing an into subjection. The phallus with a
demanding career, or catering to an child. The rod by denying her com-
expensive mistress—that turns a posure. Both deny the woman con-
willful woman into an willing wife. trol over her life—which, of course,
That is why, for many men, it is eas- is why feminists object to women
ier to find another than to make being subjected to either.213
the commitment that a woman really
needs.
The man's effect on the woman
will be like the cycles of malaria's
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“WANTING A MASTERFUL MAN” (29 AU- we want to be. We're not helpless
weaklings, but we want a man who
GUST 2004)
can stand up to us. We're not gener-
ally submissive people, but when we
When I was about 11, my best
meet the right man, we want to
friend and I would talk about the
submit to him. And it is difficult and
masterful men we wanted, in great
confusing to grow up with these
detail. Interesting that this urge to be
desires in a women's lib culture.214
mastered came long before any urge
to have sex. Later on I learned that I
shouldn't want that. I shouldn't “EMPOWERING DOMINANCE” (31 AUGUST
want a man to be stronger than me; I 2004)
shouldn't want him to provide for
me; and I certainly shouldn't want There's nothing more attractive to
him to correct my bad behavior over me than a strong, smart, independ-
his knee! I stuffed all these desires ent creative woman who has her
into a box and labeled it “outdated own thing going on and loves it, but
desires that belong in romance nov- also has (as we all do) a vulnerable
els, not real life.” But the desires side—one that she honors me with
kept seeping out of the box. by choosing to show to me and to
I grew up strong, smart, and inde- even put me in (loving) charge of at
pendent, yet I always harbored the times.
secret wish that I would meet a man My beloved is both “my lady” and
who was even stronger. I never “my girl” depending on which as-
wanted to hold myself back, to pre- pect of her feminity I want to cele-
tend to be less than I was to make a brate at the time. She is also “young
guy feel masculine. And yet, when I lady” when she's been naughty, but
felt a strong sexual attraction to that side of her—the bratty or
someone, I immediately wanted to mischievious little girl—is also deep-
submit to him and be disciplined by ly loveable to (and well-loved by)
him. I never got more than a threat me. There is no part of her that I
or two, which just left me wonder- reject or do not actively cherish—
ing what I'd have to do to make him and of course spanking can be a
carry out that threat. wonderful way of cherishing, too.
I remember one guy I was dating I love the ability my natural, laid-
saying that he liked me because I back dominance gives me to cherish
was so independent, and how it an- the woman in my life. I love the way
noyed him that so many women that my dominance allows me to
wanted to be taken care of. My de- creatively, persistently and (but of
sire to date him died that moment. course) forcefully and uncompro-
But part of me agreed with him, and misingly express just how much I
was ashamed of my desire to be think of my beloved and just how
taken care of. much she means to me. It is im-
The crux of the matter is that we portant to me that she not only feel
don't need to be taken care of, but my love, but that it truly touch and

341
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
affect her—not by shaping her to my When a woman becomes vulnera-
will, but by helping her become her ble—and women become naked
truest self. If she is a warrior, I want when they want to be vulnerable—
our intimate relationship to help her she can feel whether or not she is
fight better, if she is an artist, I want loved. Her nudity is not so much a
it to help her create with more ease temptation for the man as a test of
and passion, if she is herself a care- his character. Often, the woman is
giver, I want it to help make nurtur- less aware of her state of undress as
ing others easier and less exhaust- is a more naïve man. She sacrifices
ing. modesty for knowledge. After all,
It's a dreadfully cliched word who or what a man truly is inside
nowadays, after being battered with cannot be easily hidden from a na-
over-use and misuse, but if there is ked woman!
one thing that I truly want our rela- The man who truly loves a woman
tionship to give to my love, it is is not always easy on her. There is a
this—empowerment.215 passion within him that burns be-
yond lust. It complements that of the
“WHY WOULD A WOMEN WANT TO BE woman in using her nakedness as a
SPANKED?” (3 SEPTEMBER 2004) means to an end. The means is the
spanking; the end is the relationship.
A woman's desire for a naked over- So it is that the two can become
the-knee spanking is twofold. Part of one—which is what the woman
her wants to be wanted. She wants wants anyway.
to belong to someone who really Although a woman may hate the
cares about her. Part of her wants to idea that she needs a spanking, she
be disciplined, cleansed, and per- will also often feel the need to be
haps even healed. punished—wanting it to hurt and
It is only at a level of getting be- eventually despising a timid man—
yond physical pain that spanking she seeks an experience that goes
has any meaning. Otherwise, the beyond being transformed from
exercise is a parlor game of make- naughty to nice.
believe of daddy's naughty little girl For the man, spanking springs
getting her bottom smacked for be- from a desire to have the woman
ing very bad. A woman's emotional wholly—body and soul—coupled
risks in pretending are no greater with awareness that this is how
than going to the doctor's office, to have her! The man's involvement
climbing up on the examination ta- with the woman is not a business-
ble, and putting her feet in the metal like arrangement where one party
stirrups to have her private parts can fire the other at will.
examined. Although exposed under He wants this woman. He is active.
the circumstances, she is not de- She is passive, although she wants
fenseless. She is steeled for the expe- this man to have her. Together, they
rience. want each other.
Instead of seeking counseling or
getting divorced, they work out
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
their differences the old-fashioned At this point, the man can make
way—on a very intimate and per- the woman anything he wants her to
sonal level. (Women never boast be. He can make her a strong wife, a
about having faked it during a seri- weak woman, a prostitute—
ous spanking!) In the process, the anything. That is why women need
man goes from what the wom- to pick their men carefully. Because
an admits is required to what once a man taps into his natural
she knows is necessary to get through power over a woman, she belongs to
to her. The spanking goes: him.*
Yet, if the man truly loves her,
• from being erotic she feels joined in the ultimate con-
• past anger (“That's enough. sensual relationship.216
#$%&@, what are you trying to
do!”)
• through being punishment “CRAVING PROTECTION, LEARNING TO
(“Yes, Sir.”) TRUST” (5 SEPTEMBER 2004)
• to being a cleaning out of all
sorts of emotional baggage that To my husband:
tumble out as a mixture of con- Do you fully understand what it
fessions and genuine crying.
means to be a husband? What is
expected of you, your role? I know I
Consequently, a wise man gives
do not know what my role as a wife
the woman getting spanked permis-
is. I certainly did not have a role
sion to say all sorts of things that she
model in either of those areas. What
would never dream of revealing
I learned was to nag you, undermine
otherwise. The permissionis not so
you, and assume you are in the
much explicit as in his willingness to
wrong. I learned to ignore your
listen and understand whatever an-
needs and always fulfill mine. I
guish she releases. The wise man
learned to humiliate you, to unman
will not hold anything she says
you, to go for days hardly talking to
against her as she expels whatever
you.
demons haunt her mind.
I thought that by recognizing these
If the man gets down deep enough
negative behaviors in my role mod-
inside her—usually through a series
els I would not repeat them. Well
of spankings that build upon the
that was foolish of me, because I did
soreness in her bottom leftover from
not know what the alternative be-
the last spanking—inhibitions go out
haviors were.
of the window. Her carefully crafted
In this area I need a lot of help. I
mystique—her protective layers that
need to find a way to stop telling
keep just any man from getting too
close to her—get stripped from her.
She is psychologically undressed. * [This is an answer to a frequently-

She is no longer her own woman. asked question: this page is part of the
When he is finished, she is so weak FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
is answering the question or discussing
physically and psychologically that
the above post. The question is: Why
she can be destroyed by his words. would a women want to be spanked?]
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
you what to do, to stop nagging you, tual side and I feel scared, vulnera-
and to stop checking up on you to ble, confused; and all the while my
see if you have done everything cor- inner cave woman wants you to
rectly. come and protect me from the chaos.
I have been trying to figure out In this primitive part of my mind the
why I behave this way. I don't want trust and respect isn't always there.
to be driving. I know you will get This is what I think causes some of
me were I need to be so why can't I my negative behavior.
just relax and let you do it? I think it When I back-seat drive I am push-
is a lack of trust and respect on my ing your buttons, needling you,
part. I need to learn complete and questioning your methods and try-
total trust in you. I am so sorry I ing to provoke you to do something
have not trusted you. I am so sorry I about it. I do not do this consciously:
have been a back-seat driver in your at the time I just feel anxious and
life. I want to change. For you, for irritable. Only after considerable
me, for us. contemplation do I see that this is
It's not that I have no trust in you, what is actually happening.
and it's not that I do not respect you What are possible solutions? We
as a person: it's something deeper have both agreed that some struc-
than that. Something buried very ture is needed, and I think you
deep. might need to use physical disci-
On the day we were married you pline to enforce your control some-
said you had an overwhelming urge times. This is going to be a mass
to protect me. Just as your instincts undertaking. It will take a long time
tell you to protect, mine give me an to get right. We will make mistakes
overwhelming urge to be protected and we'll have to rethink and rear-
by you. This means that if I am, as it range a lot, so we need to think of
were, being attacked by a wild ani- this as a work in progress and try
mal, I trust with my very life that not to get discouraged.
your spear arm is strong and true. I want you to be in charge. I am
These are ancient instincts. There giving you consent to act apparently
are no wild animals now, but I still non-consensually when you think it
crave your protection and you crave necessary. By giving you this per-
to give it. You have told me many mission I am showing that I have
times that you are old-fashioned in confidence in you. I am showing
your beliefs. I think I was wrong to that I totally and completely trust
tell you to try not to be that way. To that you will do the right thing for
do that would be to fight very pow- our relationship. This will be you
erful and perfectly normal drives. protecting me from harm in the most
I have my own personal demons intimate possible way. In this way
that I fight, but you are my husband you will be honoring those feelings
and I want you to fight for me so you experienced on our wedding
that I feel safe. In a sense I want you day.
to protect me from my worst enemy, This is a way to satisfy your domi-
myself. I struggle with my intellec- nant inner caveman. You will be
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
providing love and comfort in what laughter. And my dreams. And in so
I hope is a most satisfying way for knowing all of this, know that I
both of us. I realize that this is a could never hurt her.
huge responsibility that I am putting And know too, that I see that ani-
on you. Can you do it? It will only mal within her. The one that hun-
work if I trust that you can, I know. gers to be taken. To be owned. And
To trust you in this manner will be yet it will rage in its struggle against
incredibly challenging for me. I have me. Fighting helplessly with its all.
never really learned to truly trust The battle moving far beyond that of
anyone. All the things that were straining muscles. The somatic, only
supposed to be stable in my life the final expression of that intimacy
were not. But I love you so much which has brought us here. An inti-
that I want to give you back what I macy in whose safety that bestial
have taken from you. I hope that this core within her has been set free.
will boost your self-esteem and Setting loose an animal which will
make you feel more confident and fight until that last moment, when
successful. I hope that it will make she is engulfed by the reassurance
you feel like the man you are—like that my strength—something which
the man who, on his wedding day, has nothing to do with the power of
told his new bride of his overwhelm- my flesh—cannot be surmounted. A
ing desire to protect her.217 denouement foretold from the be-
ginning. The promise of this
“UNDERSTANDING” (6 SEPTEMBER knowledge, and the safety it gives,
2004) allowing all that which is within her
to roar in its freedom. A freedom
“I will take what I own.” complete in that exquisite release of
Words the select handful of wom- submission as she falls to her knees
en I have progressed to physical before the one whose strength sur-
intimacy with have heard me speak. rounds her, has become a part of
And have understood. Understood her. Owning her. And there, all re-
both because of what had flowed sponsibility ripped away, a burning
between us from that first instant. red need that encompasses all.
And too, for the time we had taken In that rape which is consensual,
from that first moment to build the we both know what is happening.
requisite intimacy necessary for a We both know what is unlocked in
full understanding of what was con- that descent into raw, untamed
veyed within. primalness. And at that moment,
An understanding in which, each neither of us would want anything
woman has come to know, not only less. And afterwards? A man and a
that primal animal within me—the woman who have seen and wanted
one that craves to take her, to own all in the other, and in this want,
her, its hunger ravening, firing the given all of themselves. The
desire of the physical and spiritual knowledge now born, that all of
to searing—but too, my warmth. My each is known, is felt, and is hun-
gered for by the other. A knowledge
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
which gives depth beyond measure knees. Both in discipline, in those
to a relationship. rare times where her behaviour is
Yet why do I rape? And why does warranting of such. And too, in
the woman I am with want me to those far more numerous times of
rape her? The answer to both these reassurance. Where no transgression
questions is found in the paragraph on her behalf has occasioned the
above. I hunger to rape her, for all spanking she receives. The strength
that I see within her. All that makes that enables me to do this, the
her glow before my eyes. All that strength that promises that I will
makes me crave to know all of her. fight for all I hold with her and that I
Take all of her. And in so doing, give will never lose it, is not of the physi-
all of myself to her. A hunger which, cal. It comes from all that I feel for
is mirrored within her, where, as a her. And it is this that differentiates
woman, she sees all that which is the abuse and terror of domestic
within me. All that which makes me violence, with shared knowledge
burn so brightly before her eyes, and that, if I wish her over my knees
makes her hunger to have my whether for discipline, or reassur-
strength, my warmth, all that I am, ance, then that is where she will be.
take all that she is. Claiming her in However much she wishes to strug-
ownership. gle against it.
But is it rape? Yes. To say that it is The parallels between the two
consensual changes the manifesta- acts—consensual rape, and disci-
tion of the beast, but traces can still pline/reassurance spankings—are
be seen in its family lineage marking obvious. In both, a woman knows a
it as of the same species as that other bond of intimacy with her man so
act of rape. The one which occurs in great that she knows that she could
terror and reviling weakness. An act never be hurt. A knowledge which
where inadequacy, and the conse- allows her to surrender.
quent fear and hatred it inspires, Surrender to her need for submis-
culminates in the brutalisation of a sion.
woman. Surrender to her need to some-
Something which noble masculini- times fight against this.
ty, which seeks to dominate, and in Surrender to her need for her
this way nurture, abhors. Yet, for all man's strength. A strength that
this, physical similarities do exist promises it will always hold her to
between the two acts, which are so him.
different in every other respect. But Surrender.
then, this is not the only place that And at the end. After I have spo-
such stretched taxonomy links two ken those words. There are always
diametrically opposed acts in the others. Carried on her voice. A cry of
shadows of physicality. completion from her heart of one
For, as a man, I will stand and meaning, whatever the words that
fight for the intimacy I share with a flow forth.
woman. And in the course of this, “You own me. I am yours.”
sometimes, I will take her across my Surrender.218
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
have told me that they love each
“WOMEN WANT MEN WHO ARE MORE other because they are both “soft
DOMINANT” (9 SEPTEMBER 2004) and giving”.
So I have long thought that not all
Michael W. says that he used to submissive individuals enjoy being
think that women liked it if men with a dominant person, and that
seemed soft, weak, and romantic, not all dominant individuals would
but now he says that women want a be happy with a submissive person.
man with “unstoppable power”! To some dominant individuals,
He tells men— submissive individuals are insuffi-
ciently exciting.
If there is one thing that turns Perusing the internet when I
women off more than anything else, should have been doing other
it's a man with a lack of dominance. things, I came across an article† by
And an attractive woman can smell a Professor I. E. White in which he
lack of dominance like a shark smells
mentions some studies on human
blood.
No one is attracted to someone who sexuality conducted by Abraham H.
conveys a sense of being powerless. Maslow in the 1930s and early ”40s.
When it comes to being a man, how- Maslow interviewed many women
ever, power is not only important, and concluded that they fell into
it's everything. ... A woman three “dominance groups”—high,
is never attracted to a man who medium and low.
seems to be “equal” with her. In some According to White, Maslow
major way, he has to be more than
found that high dominance women
her. ... To feel feminine, she must be
with a man who is masculine. When are: unconventional, less religious,
a woman is with a guy who is not less tolerant of stereotypes, extro-
dominant, she feels like he is just an- verted, sexually adventurous, less
other girl. anxious, less jealous, and less neu-
rotic. Low dominance women were
Having written about the attrac- found to be: conventional, religious,
tion of the alpha male and masculine conforming to stereotype, introvert-
power,* myself, I can't help thinking ed, sexually inhibited, and more
that there is some truth in this—for neurotic than high dominance wom-
me. But I know women for whom a en. White concludes:
dominant man would feel like a bul-
ly. These women seek men who are Findings: High dominance women
were attracted to high dominance
almost as soft as they are. (I also
men—aggressive, self-confident,
know women who avoid dominant highly masculine, self-assured. Low
men for political reasons in spite of dominance women were attracted to
themselves, but that's another story.) men who were kind, friendly, gentle,
One friend of mine and her man
† See:

<https://web.archive.org/web/2002101
* “The alpha male and masculine 7215834/http://facultyfp.salisbur-
power,” 23 April 2004. y.edu/iewhite/Maslow.htm>
347
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
faithful and showed a love for chil- quite dominant enough, and so she
dren. used to provoke quarrels that would
end with him slapping her about,
Even more interesting is another hurling her on a bed, and raping her.
passage I have discovered about the These sexual experiences she found
same research, this time by Colin most satisfactory of all. - Colin Wil-
son, pages 27-28 in the introduction
Wilson, who wrote the book New
to The Gates of Janus
Pathways in Psychology. Wilson says
of the three dominance groups (Incidentally, Wilson also indicates
Maslow identified: that men, too, tend to prefer women
in the same dominance group as
The high dominance women were,
as you might expect, precisely five themselves.)
per cent of the total. Sexually, they Whilst this categorisation perhaps
were inclined to promiscuity and ex- cannot be taken tooooo seriously,
perimentation—many had had lesbi- given that not all women prefer
an experiences or tried sadomaso- dominant men, let alone men more
chism. They liked males of even dominant than they are, I have a
higher dominance, and regarded the hunch that at least some Taken In
male sexual organ as beautiful.
Hand readers will recognise them-
Medium dominance women, the
largest group, were basically roman- selves or someone they know in this
tics. They liked the kind of men who passage!219
would take them to restaurants with
candlelight and give them flowers. “ACCOMMODATING NEEDS CAN'T BE DONE
They were looking for Mr Right. They
BY THE BOOK” (10 SEPTEMBER 2004)
were capable of a certain amount of
promiscuity, but it was essentially a
second best—what they really want- Men should treat a woman in the
ed was a husband who was a good same manner that her vagina ac-
father and provider. They also want- commodates his penis. His fit should
ed him to be slightly more dominant be:
than they were, but not too dominant.
Very high dominance males scared  soft enough to accommodate
them. This group didn't have any the most expansive of her de-
strong feelings about the male organ. sires,
Low dominance women didn't  tight enough to let her know
much like sex. They liked the kind of that he has her surrounded,
man who would admire them from a  loose enough to allow her
distance for years without daring to freedom of movement,
say so. They were terrified of high  stimulating enough to keep
dominance males, and thought the her excited, and
male organ downright ugly.  able to contain her when she
But all three groups needed a male explodes.
who was more dominant than them-
selves. One very high dominance Where I have difficulty with per-
woman searched for years for such a
sonality analysis in interpersonal
male and when she found him she
relationships—whether inspired
was finally happy. But he wasn't
by Colin Wilson, David Keirsey, or
348
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Isabel Myers—is when it becomes ried and how to give her what she
the ends rather than the means. needs when she needs it.220
Women choose men whom they
believe able to accommodate their “COMMUNICATION” (15 SEPTEMBER
needs. When men fail to rise to the 2004)
occasion—whether it is failing to
meet a high dominance woman's The one thing that is virtually
challenges, to be a good husband to guaranteed from a Taken In Hand
the medium dominance woman and relationship—especially one in
father to their children, or coaxing which spanking is involved—is talk-
the low dominance woman out of ing. Instead of stifling communica-
her shell—then difficulties flourish tion, taking a woman in hand causes
like bacteria on agar. communication to flourish.
Marriage is not so much about Where communication has existed,
molding another person to accom- it causes a depth of communication
modate one's personal tastes as it is that was never there before. In time,
about taking the relationship in the even the deepest secrets emerge and
direction that it needs to go so that disappear in the manner of Holly-
intangibles such as love, happiness, wood ghosts exposed to the rays of
and stability retain some equilibri- the rising sun. Chatty talk, even
um. nervous prattle that does little more
Unlike flying sophisticated air- than fill an empty void, becomes a
craft, marriage is more a seat-of-the- revealing of the soul. It is perhaps
pants experience than it is reading the ultimate liberating experience in
the gages built by someone else. marriage.221
There are couples who have done
everything by the book and still “A RELATIONSHIP OF EQUALS” (19
managed to send their relationship
into a tailspin from which it never
SEPTEMBER 2004)
recovered.
I'm a mix of a traditional and
Good husbands are often like old
“new” man. I'm in my late 30s, and
building supers. They know how to
I'm told that I carry the calm author-
tap the pipes to get the steam flow-
ity and purpose of a natural leader.
ing again on a cold morning. They
After all these years—maybe be-
are not above getting down on their
cause of all these years—a romantic
hands and knees to find the prob-
heart still beats behind my (sort of,
lem. They also know when and how
lol) tough exterior. I shed a tear or
to pull things apart when something
two in slushy movies. That heart is
really does need to be fixed.
very ready for an intimate and
These abilities are not so much
unique partnership with a worthy
things they got out of a book as from
woman.
living with a woman long enough to
I'm not looking for a “brat”. High
know her inside out. Good husbands
spirits is fine. But I'm not a daddy to
do not have to know every wom-
someone's inner little girl. I'd rather
an—just the one to whom he is mar-
349
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
be mentor to her inner adult female science guide me in broadly consen-
who wants to be the best she can be sual situations and make decisions
for the man she loves. and apply consequences where nec-
I move between romantic, erotic, essary. Authority is as authority
and discipline imperatives as the does.
occasion demands. I've enough ex- I could never be a 24/7 boss, and I
perience to know what I'm doing don't like micromanaging (hey, let's
and to do it without wavering or not sweat the small stuff). I'm not
vacillating. I have three watchwords overbearing—quite the opposite
in this: responsibility, consensuality, actually—and I'm not motivated to
consistency: create fixed rules and punishments
Responsibility—If it's to be a for disobedience. Fussy is not my
spanking, it will be for real: not the style. Anyway, I'm looking to ad-
pitter-patter of a glorified massage. mire, respect, and cherish my adult
Real means hard enough to make a partner, not patronize her or order
difference which thoroughly reor- her daily life like a child's. I certainly
ganizes the dynamics of the situa- do not want the “serve-my-master”
tion. I'm aware of the responsibility heavy submission lifestyle. The
this brings and I'm physically care- woman is a grownup. Her desires
ful. I shun cruelty. (I'm also un- matter. Her opinions matter and her
moved by the tacky posturings of full personality is, I hope, too inter-
BDSM, or leather or whips & chains, esting to subdue. I will “build her
or any kind of degradation.) up” not “beat her down”.
Consensuality—is the key to the The holy grail, for me, very clearly,
castle. Even if, in the heat of the is to create an egalitarian relation-
moment it may not look like it, it ship, with some traditional elements.
must be there. For my own peace of So, yes, I'll expect certain behaviors
mind I have to know that you truly and standards to be met—but noth-
need and want this. I'm authorita- ing dumb or illogically limiting. It
tive, but not a brute or a bully. will be a framework, a relationship
Consistency—is also crucial, in subtext, that quietly shapes expecta-
two senses. For me taking in hand is tions, behaviors, roles, and conse-
about building structure and healthy quences while providing lots of
routines, and acting early and deci- space for you to be an equal partner
sively to maintain quality and clarity and decision maker. My vision is
in a couplehood. Therefore what is one of a nurturing authority and
and isn't a situation with “conse- reasoned accountability, rather than
quences” should be broadly predict- unbridled domination.
able and consistent. It will be some- I will provide strong arms into
thing the woman can depend on. which the woman can fall, and
Second, it will be emotionally con- which will always hold her up and
sistent. Even wriggling under the regenerate her and reassure her:
heat of my hand she will never have where she can feel safe. But she must
cause to doubt my love or respect. I have her own strength too. I seek the
let my authority, creativity, and con- measured wisdom a woman can
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
provide. Someone to nurture me and resistance. I want is a woman who
console me when luck runs thin; has the strength to be resistant.
someone to soothe my warrior's Other guys might like it if their
brow and refit me for the fight. girlfriends are obedient, submissive,
There will be many times where I pliable and passive but I don't like
will look to her insight and advice that. It's boring! I like a girl who
and leadership, and depend on her bites back! A woman who's some-
(but I don't “switch”.) So, as I take thing to push against, and who can
care of her, I’ll want her to take carepush me. I hate to see girls diminish-
of me. We have different roles in this ing themselves and losing their nat-
but hers is not less important or sub- ural resistance and personality when
stantial. they get with a guy. I've seen it a lot.
I seek someone who is very much It's like they disappear. I like a
a woman, yet who is independent in woman with a big personality who
mind and spirit and able to hold her doesn't give away her power and
own in the world. She can run a ca- submit when she's with areal man.
reer (if that’s her thing) but yet still
That's not an easy thing to find. Girls
bake a cake. She is an equal partner, tend to cave in and become submis-
yet still seeks a strong man with sive even if they're tough and domi-
whom and for whom to build a nant in most parts of their life. I
home. (Not a superwoman, I might think it's the estrogen!
add, but competent and comfortable I want a woman who's in control.
in the various roles of womanhood.) Or trying to be. Not that she'd be
I do think that I can reciprocate able to control me but she can have
with the equivalently nuanced spec- fun trying. I won't allow a girl to
trum of traditional and new mascu- control me—I'm not that kind of
linity. I'm looking for someone who guy—it's about being in control of
“gets” the value of this balance of herself. It's the attitude and strength
modern and traditional and recipro- of will I'm looking for, I'm not into
cates it—who is comfortable with being dominated.
complexity of our roles in the cur- If a girl is submissive, obedient
rent era, and yet who understands and docile, she's probably not strong
and values the injection of some- enough to withstand what I'm going
thing ancient and archetypal into a to do to her. It's part of my particu-
modern marriage.222 lar brand of masculinity to be physi-
cally and mentally tough and chal-
“THE RESISTANT WOMAN” (20 lenging so in general I'm not attract-
SEPTEMBER 2004) ed to girls like that. If a girl won't
enjoy the rough and tumble, the
I've read the discussion about physicality, the violent love and
submissiveness vs. dominance. verbal jousting they'd get from me
What I look for in a girl is neither we won't have the compatibility. If
submissiveness nor dominance but she will, we might have a future.
Is it surprising the girls I'm attract-
ed to are the more masculine look-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ing ones who are intimidating to and hardly say a word, but his body
most guys? I see the femininity that language says everything. The guy
lies beneath the surface, and that who could most likely have sex with
femininity is more real than the a good portion of the women, single
painted obvious femininity of more or hitched, in attendance that very
obviously feminine girls. When you night (and of course no one would
find the femininity in a girl who be the wiser).
doesn't let the world see it, there's a On the other side, the beta male.
vulnerability I've not found in other He very well might be good looking,
kinds of women. funny, etc., but after ten minutes or
I don't know why women think so in the presence of the alpha male
men want obedient women. he will try to break the alpha male's
What this guy wants is not submis- frame of mind. He does this by sub-
siveness but resistance. A worthy tle jokes that seem innocent but are
sparring partner in the battle of intended to degrade the alpha male's
life!223 status in the eyes of others. If he is
successful in making the alpha male
“HUMAN ALPHA, BETA, AND OMEGA MALES: lose his cool and take the “low
THE REALITY” (25 SEPTEMBER 2004) road”, he himself might very well be
take the alpha position, for the night
The subject of social dynamics, at least. I have seen it and been on
male/female relations, and both sides of it too many times to
the alpha/beta/omega dynamic is deny its reality. After all, it is the
something I have been studying alpha male's world and most of the
actively for months, both in reading people there are just players within
and in life experience. I decided to it.
take this study up after having had The beta male might also readily
many girlfriends but having recently submit to the alpha male in a genu-
noticed that I was being broken up ine fashion, however. The beta male
with first quite a lot. I suppose I had will also willingly argue with other
lost my magic after having graduat- beta males in an attempt to make
ed college and gotten focused on my others think he is the alpha male.
career. My interest in this subject has Little does he know that the alpha
nothing to do with me wanting to male is just grinning to himself on
hurt or manipulate women. the inside at the whole spectacle
I can surely attest that there are in much of the time, and the women
fact alpha and beta males in the hu- the beta male wants are more em-
man portion of kingdom animalia. I barrassed than impressed by the
would say that any woman who beta male's behavior. Beta males
denies this probably denies a good often also act nice in order to curry
portion of her own emotions and favor with women and the alpha
sensuality as well. males.
The alpha male...The funny, often Then there are the omega males—
charming guy who can be at a party generally the true nice guys... but
also what we call “losers” Generally
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
avoided, and the next day hardly ism. I am not the type of guy who
anyone remembers they were even wants to have sexual relations with
there. The guy who is almost guar- every woman, but I have done ex-
anteed not to have sex that night, periments in pushing the envelope
even if a women by luck takes a fan- over the past 6 or 7 months. It has
cy to him, because his model of the opened my eyes to the fact that the
world isn't such that he can take a majority of women will do anything
girl home and just have sex with her for what they perceive as the domi-
if he so chooses. nant male.
This model I have just outlined is I have also started to understand
rigid and many of you will no doubt social dynamics a bit better: I can see
disagree with it. But there is a peck- when people are trying to force me
ing order in life. The good news, at into a beta position. In the past I
least, is that it isn't set in stone at might not have caught it. I am cool
birth: someone who is an alpha and laidback and I wasn't really
quarterback in high school can be- quick on the uptake, so to speak.
come a beta construction worker; And this has been my realization:
and a beta or omega nerd in high Men these days really aren't totally
school can become an alpha CEO pussies at heart like they seem. They
later in his life. have merely been brainwashed into
And in the context of Taken In thinking this is the way to be.224
Hand—some natural alpha males
who have hitherto let society fool “CHANGING FOR MYSELF” (26
them into thinking that Hollywood SEPTEMBER 2004)
romantic beta behavior was what the
world wanted of him, finally come Someone wrote† that for a woman
around, as we have seen on this to change herself for the guy would
thread.* There are many other per- be to diminish herself, etc, and it
mutations. struck me that that was how I'd al-
How has this insight changed ways thought about myself. In the
things for me? Frankly, I no longer course of the frequent and tiresome
put women on a pedestal. I am still a rows with my husband I would ask
gentleman. I open doors for wom- myself angrily, “Why can't he just
en—hell, I open doors for men too, accept me as I am, why does he
so it isn't a trick to curry favor. I now want to change me?”
understand that women get attract- And then I discovered this site,
ed and have desire just as strong as and was disconcerted and excited by
that of a man. what I'd found. I realised that my
My view is more realistic now... husband and I had been playing at
No scorn, no anger that my dream as
a child of having a Hollywood ro- † See:
mance may not happen—just real- <https://web.archive.org/web/2015011
1062814/http://www.takeninhan-
* “The alpha male and masculine d.com/the.resistant.woman#comment-
power,” 23 April 2004. 2006>
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
having a Taken In Hand relationship dous row (a fairly frequent occur-
for years, and I also realised that the rence). They were going at it ham-
times I had felt happiest was when, mer and tongs and my husband said
just occasionally, it had actually felt thoughtfully, “Maybe I should offer
real. I also realised that my husband him the use of my workshop.” I
didn't really want me to change don't think being Taken In Hand is
much, just minor things, and that it for everyone, and I don't know if it's
might not be the end of the world if I for the woman next door, but it does
gave it a go. seem, rather strangely, to be for
I began to wonder if changing my- me.225
self, just a bit, to make my husband
happier, might actually make me “WHAT WOMEN DON'T WANT” (28
happier too. Perhaps it would be SEPTEMBER 2004)
better than continuing to have rows
about the same things we'd been I've met guys who try to pull the
rowing about for 22 years. What if I “I'm an alpha male” stunt. I can see
just tried it and saw whether it right through it—it's a joke. I agree
worked or not? So I tried it, and with various posters on this site that
found to my amazement that it did women hate a wuss but what do I
seem to work. mean by that? If you're a guy that's
I found that it was actually more been reading books or websites tell-
pleasurable to do what my husband ing men how to be an alpha male, I'll
wanted me to do than to argue with bet your idea of what's a wuss is
him about it. Not only did it make different than mine. Let me tell you
me feel calmer and happier, it was a story: it might enlighten you.
also incredibly sexy. I find it amaz- A few years ago, I met a guy who
ingly perverse that I, a rampant in- was so kind and loving I fell in love
dividualist who has always utterly with him. It didn't matter that he
loathed being told what to do by wasn't obviously dominant. He did
anybody, should actually like this, seem strong. I rejoiced in his
but I do. I find it quite easy (most of strength! Here was a guy that was
the time) to do what he tells me. unafraid to express his feelings. He
And this makes it a lot easier for him melted my heart by giving me a gift
to keep his temper too. that showed he'd noticed something
I don't feel at all diminished by about me as an individual—not
having changed myself just a bit to flowers and chocolates but some-
accommodate my husband's needs, thing that meant something to me
in fact I feel enhanced, happier and personally.
more peaceful. I don't want any But after a while, the loving com-
more traumatising rows and shatter- pliments and kindness stopped. He
ing emotional experiences, I want started swaggering around being a
peace, and I seem, on the whole, to caricature of a “dominant” man. He
have got it. became kinda defensive and ex-
Last night we were listening to the pected me to pay for my meal when
couple next door having a stupen-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
he took me to dinner. I could tell separate people being sure to keep it
he'd been reading a book or website that way.
for men that he was trying to fol- That guy thought I wouldn't re-
low—and he even admitted it! spect him if he paid for the dinner or
He was no longer natural. It felt so movie he'd invited me out for. In
FAKE! and the fact that he was fol- fact, what I didn't respect was his
lowing some idiotic advice from a lack of generosity of spirit. What I
book made it feel like he was real didn't respect was his insecurity, his
insecure. I could tell some of the weakness, his meanness. What I
changes was because he was in love didn't respect was that he did not
with me and scared of being hurt feel good enough about himself as
but that didn't make it easier or less he truly was—kind and loving—and
painful. that he tried to become something
I'm a woman that likes give and he wasn't. It made me feel sad, and
take. If a guy asks me out to dinner the money issue made me feel like
then expects me to pay for my din- there was distance between us. The
ner, trust me, that's not going to im- comparisons with other men I
press me. Young insecure guys know—men who have the strength
who've been reading websites and and security not to be penny-
books about being “dominant” will pinching and mean, men who are
now be thinking “sponger”. I've got kind in their strength—became too
news for you guys—I'm not. If I in- glaring and I ended the relationship
vite you to dinner, am I going to with him.
give you a bill for your half at the Now I'm with a guy that has never
end of it? I don't think so. I also like let me pay for anything except when
to buy a guy gifts, and do acts of I've been the one doing the inviting.
kindness for the guy, too—it's a two- That doesn't mean he's spent way
way street, not all one way. more than the other guy and that
That guy made me feel unloved I've been taking advantage of him—
even though I knew he loved me! It I've done more for this guy than I
felt like I wasn't special enough to ever did for any guy before, and I
him to be kind to anymore. When love to buy him gifts and treat him
we were in line for the theater and to a full body massage often. He
all the couples ahead of us in the says he feels pampered, and I feel
queue paid together and the guys pampered by him too. We've been
doing the paying didn't look like together over a year now. He's defi-
they resented doing so, and then we nitely not a wuss!
get to the window and my guy pays What is wuss behavior? A guy
for himself then I pay for myself, it that's desperate, a guy who's sure
hurt. I could see the couple behind he's not good enough, a guy that
us looking at us, and it hurt. sacrifices what he wants for you in
When a guy wants us each to pay an attempt to curry favor, a guy
our “fair share” for everything, it that's indecisive and apologetic, a
doesn't feel good. It makes you feel guy that doesn't have any steel in his
like it's not a relationship, it's two personality. Most of all, a guy that
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
plays the pity card. That's what be- If anyone outside our relationship
ing a wuss is, not acts of kindness, were to see us at those moments,
paying for dinner, buying little gifts. they might think she was being
There's websites and books out abused, but she isn't. Those mo-
there telling men women want a ments are her most serene, when she
dominant man (true) but those that is able to revel in the pleasures of
tell men that courtesy and kindness womanhood.
and a bit of give and take are wuss The name of this web site says it
behavior are doing those men a dis- all. It isn't “Putting myself in his
service. I hope this site is not one of hands”, it's “Taken in Hand”.227
them.226
“STRENGTH AND CEDING CONTROL” (7
“BROUGHT TO SUBMISSION” (30 OCTOBER 2004)
SEPTEMBER 2004)
Over the years, I've developed im-
When a woman has settled for a ages of who I am. Some I have dis-
man who is not quite strong enough carded, realising they bore little re-
to dominate her, she accommodates semblance to the truth. Some I have
his lack of strength by making it kept, as they still seem to fit. Some I
possible for him to be stronger than have tried to discard, only to find
her. that they sneak back without me
A strong woman does not submit; noticing. My upbringing has meant
she is brought to submission. She I'm by-and-large self-reliant and
doesn't lie down; she is swept up. A self-contained, and any suggestions
strong woman does not yield nor that I may actually need (rather than
defer to a strong man. A strong just want or like) other people in my
woman is able to flex her strength life used to often be met with a
without fear of overpowering her sharp retort. Submission did not
truly stronger man. seem to make up any part of my
Such a woman is the rock of nature—I was intelligent, strong
strength that a true leading man can willed and stubborn.
lean on. When she is moved to his Then along came my husband. I
will or molded to his desire, it is continued being “myself”, and for a
because of his strength, not because time he let me get my own way.
of her lack of strength. With such a After a while, though, we started
woman, and only with such a wom- experimenting with dominance and
an, a strong man can release his submission games as part of sex, and
strength. She can feel his true power. it opened my eyes. I have always
In those moments when my strong had fantasies about being taken by
woman and I are alone, we share some-one who was that much
our strength with each other. She is stronger than I—so no matter what I
bent to my will and becomes the said or did I wasn't going to “win”.
object of my passion. But I've always ignored them—
they've seemed wrong, shameful

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somehow. But I discovered it really
did something for me, and after a “IN DEFENCE OF BRATS EVERYWHERE!” (11
while that scared me. My husband OCTOBER 2004)
backed off, but we had awoken
something that wasn't about to go I thought I should step up to the
back to sleep again. plate and defend the Brat name. I
It was a while before we really have seen quite a few negative refer-
looked at that side of things again, ences to brats on this site, lines such
and when we did, it started creeping as, “I would not be attracted to a
back into our sex lives. Again, I brat” and “I am not a brat…” It
started to feel scared about losing seems that being a brat is kind of
control, but there was something like having some contagious disease
else too. This time, it felt like some- or something. Who would not love
thing was missing. Nervous, I ex- to have a brat at their side? What is
plored the web, and gradually came not to love about brats?! It seems like
to terms with the fact I wanted my saying, “Not like I could love a slob”
husband to be head of household, or “I could never love an animal
and to take me in hand properly. It lover.”
took a while for me to get the cour- I am trying to imagine my life
age to tell him—I was partly afraid without being a brat. I guess I am a
he'd react badly, partly scared he'd self proclaimed brat and have been
agree immediately, and also partly since before we embarked on this
afraid I was becoming weak. Taken in Hand road we travel now.
Since doing that I've discovered Well I must admit that I am new to
that submitting to him could be a calling myself a brat, but brat I have
real test of strength and commitment been all along!
on my part. I realised that it was Brats are fun! Brats are fun to be
easier to fight to get my way than to around. Brats have that evil twinkle
swallow my pride and accept what in their eye, as they very innocently
he wanted. I also discovered that pinch their loved ones’ butts as they
being brought to submission was, walk by. Brats know all the tricks to
well, decidedly hot. earn themselves fun spankings. Who
Far more recently, I've realised could resist a brat who sticks their
that submitting more to husband has tongue out at them across the room
taught me how to channel my own at a fancy party? All in fun when no
strength to better effect than previ- one is looking of course! They know
ously. At work, as well as being exactly what to say to earn that
known as someone who is not “zing”! Come on you all know the
scared of anyone, I'm now also seen zing, the perfect come back. The
as a calm centre when everything zing that makes your spouses eyes
else goes pear shaped. I've discov- widen in complete amazement that
ered I can present myself well at you actually had the nerve to say
interviews. And I've discovered that what you said! It makes them
it's actually OK to show weaknesses speechless it was so perfectly timed!
occasionally.228
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Then the fun comes in chasing you “TAKING HER IN HAND IS NOT A CONTACT
around the room to give you the
SPORT” (12 OCTOBER 2004)
perfect spanking your earned!
If you are a brat or love one there
Taking a girl in hand is not about
is nothing to be ashamed of! Brats
spanking (spanking's for kids) or
are lovable! Brats make the head of
discipline (let's face it, that's play-
their household glad to be alive.
acting) and nor is it about whipping,
They make them smile at all the
paddling, or cropping (I pride my-
right times, even if the smile is there
self on not needing any props). It's
especially because they get to do
not about violence at all (I'm as civi-
what they love to do… spank their
lized as the next ten thousand guys
brats! Brats shake their bottoms at
and don't understand some guys'
their husbands and dare them to do
desire to beat their wives up). It's a
something about it! And speaking of
primarily psychological thing.
dares, brats cannot resist them. The
I don't believe in using violence to
“look” is of course just an invitation,
settle a dispute. No real man does
a dare, to try something again. The
that. You can call it spanking or dis-
look means you are on the right
cipline or taking her in hand but no
track if you are trying to “earn” a
civilized guy would use violence in
spanking. The look means, “I dare
that way—not if you mean real vio-
you sweetie to try that again!” Any
lence that is non-consensual. A real
self respecting brat must of course
man can solve problems without
try it again! Please, someone might
resorting to blows. A real man uses
think we had lost our touch if we
words not a whip to settle a dispute.
didn’t!
A real man can persuade using rea-
Brats are never mean or do things
soned argument expressed without
in bad spirit. Everything is meant in
rancor. How does a whip get an
fun, in the spirit of a good time. Do
argument across? You can't express
we sometimes judge wrong and
much except displeasure with a
make a foul blunder? Of course, just
whip.
like a comedian can misjudge her
I believe there are two types of
audience! But we take our lumps if
leadership: authoritarian leaders,
we cross the line and all things are
and natural leaders. Natural leaders
righted again, ready for another fun
have authority without having to
day! So if you are a brat, stand up
force the issue using implements,
unashamed and be counted. There
violence, and/or threats. Natural
are those of us who strive to be bet-
leaders command respect without
ter brats and there are those out
effort. Authoritarian leaders resort
there who love the challenge of han-
to using violence (spanking, whip-
dling a good brat! Can you handle
ping, paddling) using the fact that
one? I dare you to try... :-)229
they are bigger and stronger than
the girl to make her comply. Is that
the kind of guy you want?

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I'm not opposed to violence where to “submit” to his boss at work or
it's a consensual part of the sexual whatever, but that's not at all the
act. I like to challenge boundaries same thing as being sexually sub-
and very violently too with a girl missive.
that can take it and wants that, but In a Taken In Hand relation-
I'd never do that with most girls ship, spanking and other means of
because most couldn't handle it or physical force are not about “correc-
have no interest in it. I'm not going tion” but rather about dominance.
to raise my hand to a girl unless I That is, it's about might—not right. A
know it's what she wants. But using man doesn't have to be right in order
violence to settle a dispute is to me a to dominate a woman; and if she's
cowardly way out of a difficult situ- right and he's wrong about some-
ation in which reason should pre- thing, that does not mean that she's
vail. Taking her in hand is not a con- dominating him. I might get into a
tact sport it's about natural leader- reasoned debate with my dominant
ship. A natural leader doesn't need man and win, for example; and if he
to put a girl over his knee or mete has any integrity as a man then I'd
out any other forms of “disci- expect him to be willing to admit it
pline”.230 when he's proven wrong. But he still
has the sheer masculine strength to
“ALPHA MALE DOMINANCE” (17 OCTOBER overpower me in any physical con-
2004) test—and to me, that's what the
dominance aspect is all about.
When a man wants to be dominat- Any man who wants to be
ed or spanked, the reaction of many spanked has a submissive streak,
Taken In Hand women is revulsion. whether he's ready to admit it or
It is not that they think that there is not; and that most Taken In Hand
anything wrong with such a man, it women are looking for a purely
is merely a visceral turn-off for dominant man, and will run as fast
them. It jars with the dominant al- as possible in the opposite direction
pha male idea. In a related discus- if they get the idea that the man they
sion on the Taken In Hand forum love has a submissive side. I would
mjbbjm wrote: submit only to a dominant man, not
a “switch”, not even a man who's
“Alpha male?” What's that? A man “mostly” dominant but occasionally
who never needs correction? He does likes to submit. Nope. Only a domi-
not exist. nant alpha male. I don't want even
the tiniest bit of submissiveness in a
It's not that an alpha male never man that I could love and respect.
makes mistakes, because everybody (By way of contrast, it would not
does that. It just means that he's bother me at all to find out that he
strictly masculine and dominant, had some bisexual experience or
and never submissive. Certainly not tendencies—provided that he was
towards his woman, anyway; not to always on the dominant side of
any sexual partners. He might have that.)
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
I'm not saying that you should not  Amazing communication
enjoy switching, if that's your thing.  These relationships are deeply
But if you expect to get a Taken In connected, engaged and intimate
Hand woman to switch, don't be  Great relationships
 Concentrated focus
surprised if she finds the idea totally
 Sexual exclusivity
repulsive. And I also don't see how
 Relationships that last forever
such men expect to get much joy  Married for life
from this website, either, since it is  Wholehearted relationships
about relationships in which the  You and me—ordinary people
man is totally dominant.  Women wanting their man to be
It is sometimes argued that a man in charge
could get a submissive woman to  The psychology of control
spank him, and it would still be  Many Taken In Hand women
male dominance because she is do- need to be conquered
ing it because he has ordered her to  Masculine power
 Men wearing the trousers/pants
do it. I don't buy it. You could also
in the relationship
lie down on the floor and order  The man has the balance of power
someone to walk all over you; but  The man puts the relationship and
nobody in their right mind would his wife first
regard that as anything but a sub-  Men seeking/in Taken In Hand
missive desire on your part.231 relationships ACTIVELY control
 Strong women making a free
“WHAT TAKEN IN HAND IS, AND WHAT IT choice
 Strong, competent, high domi-
IS NOT” (18 OCTOBER 2004) nance alpha women who are not
submissive—they don't have the
The Taken In Hand site is focused D/s submissive need to serve and
primarily on the underlying psy- obey—but who are nevertheless
chology of happy marriage in which lovely people, not domineering
the husband wears the trousers—to misandrist termagents
his wife's delight. For those  A deep feeling of peacefulness
with Taken In Hand inclinations the  A powerful erotic connection
 Acceptance
husband being in charge is exciting,
 Appreciating the one you love
erotic and fun. That is, for those with
 Being brought to submission—if
Taken In Hand inclinations: if this isn't that's your cup of tea and not oth-
your cup of tea, Taken In Hand is erwise
definitely not for you.  Being head of the house-
hold because it is fun, fascinating
What is Taken In Hand about? and highly erotic for both of you,
It's about… as opposed to as a duty or a right
 Being sensitive to each other’s
 Love needs and wishes
 Marriage  Cherishing one another in a rela-
 Becoming and being all you want tionship
to be  Civilised gentlemen
 Passion  Consensual non-consent

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
 Dignity  Reverence (reverent relationships)
 Dynamic, evolving relationships,  Solving problems
not static, stereotypical ones  Strength
 Exploring your deepest desires  Support
 Feeling appreciated, accepted and  Taken In Hand feels liberating
admired  Taken In Hand feels right
 Feeling intensely alive  Taken In Hand philosophy
 Flourishing, blossoming, evolving,  The Taken In Hand relationship is
personal growth wholeheartedly consensual and for
 Fun the delight of both spouses. Alt-
 Hardcore high intensity challeng- hough the husband is firmly in
ing interactions control, the marriage is very much
 Harmony a joint endeavour. We see it as an
 Having courage exciting, fascinating and fun ad-
 Honouring those you venture
love and yourself  Taken In Hand relationships come
 Improving relationships in many varieties
 Improving your relationship  Taking action
 Individuality  Taming, being tamed—because it
 Intimacy is fun and exciting, not because
 Joy the woman is a shrew
 Kindness in a relationship  Tenderness
 Learning from your mistakes  The psychology of the man in a
 Living a rich, vibrant, fulfilling life Taken In Hand relationship
 Maintaining a non-defensive spirit  The psychology of the woman in a
 Maintaining control because that's Taken In Hand relationship
what both spouses want  Thinking
 Men enjoying feeling power-  Treating each other with respect
ful with women who find that  Women often feel powerful and
sexy too free when taken in hand
 Men who are delightfully protec-
tive What Taken In Hand is not about:
 Men who cherish the one they Taken In Hand is not about abuse,
love wife-beating or battering, bullying,
 Mutual support in a relationship non-consensual violence, or men
 Being mastered; mastery if that being domineering, and if you think
appeals
you may be in an abusive relation-
 Openness and honesty in a rela-
tionship
ship, seek help immediately.
 Ownership and being owned Taken In Hand is not about men
 Possession and being possessed, being self-serving narcissists who
for the sheer eroticism of it passively sit around expecting their
 Pride wife to act submissive and selflessly
 Problems seem easier to solve serve their endless needs and obey
 Questioning assumptions without question their demands no
 Reconnecting and remaining con- matter how immoral, repugnant or
nected hurtful the demands may be. In fact,
 Resolving disagreements quickly,
having power over their wives, hus-
creatively and positively
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
bands in Taken In Hand relation- about one size fits all. There is no
ships take great care to put their recipe for a Taken In Hand relation-
wife and relationship first. ship. They come in many different
Taken In Hand is not about imma- varieties, and evolve in many differ-
ture, thoughtless, self-absorbed ent ways.
drama queens who behave appal- Taken In Hand is not about the de-
lingly badly, fail to take responsibil- nial of women's rights, or any wish
ity for their own actions, and expect to return to the Dark Ages or indeed,
their husband to selflessly serve the 1950s (though some Taken In
their endless needs and cure their Hand folk find that idea erotic as
personality defects and other prob- fantasy!).
lems. In fact, women in Taken In Women drawn to Taken In Hand
Hand relationships take responsibil- relationships want a relationship
ity for their own actions. with a down-to-earth, decent, de-
Taken In Hand does not assume pendable good man who wants to be
the women are out of control emo- in charge in his relationship but feels
tionally or that the men are paragons no need to act the swaggering
of all known virtues. In fact, Taken “Dom”, knowing that real control in
In Hand recognizes the reality that a fully committed marriage to a
individuals, whatever their sex, have Taken In Hand inclined woman is
strengths, weaknesses, virtues and ultimately far more erotic. Taken In
faults, areas in which they think Hand women do not expect their
rationally and other areas plagued husbands to be superhuman, they
by irrationality The control in a Tak- want a real relationship with a real
en In Hand relationship is nothing to person.
do with one spouse being better, Men drawn to Taken In Hand rela-
stronger, more rational and more tionships want a relationship with a
competent, or the other being faulty, full human being who has a mind,
deficient, or more irrational. ideas and wishes, and who does not
Taken In Hand is not about “Doms diminish herself or lose herself in a
and subs”. In fact, Taken In Hand relationship. They want a real wom-
women tend not to describe them- an, not an imaginary docile mindless
selves as “submissive”, despite the yes-woman. In fact, many men say
fact that their husband’s control they positively revel in the challenge
makes them melt. And most men in of being married to and in charge of
these relationships are more likely to a competent, strong, take-charge
describe themselves as being in woman with a mind of her own,
charge, or wearing the trousers/pa- who is therefore a bit of a challenge.
nts, than being “dominant”. Some say that being married to a
Taken In Hand is not about stereo- woman whom they have brought
typical behaviour or fixed roles that to obedience (taken in hand) is much
prevent the flourishing of either more satisfying and erotic than be-
husband or wife. Whilst we all, as ing with one who was compliant or
individuals, have our own ideas and submissive from the outset so never
preferences, Taken In Hand is not needed to be taken in hand.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Taken In Hand is not about casual sharing others’ preferences is not the
sex, harems, or uncommitted rela- same as disapproving of them.
tionships, it is about fully commit- Taken In Hand is not about any
ted, permanent, sexually exclusive, particular politics (there are Taken
faithful, emotionally and practically In Hand people in all parts of the
invested, happy marriages—for political spectrum, from the most
those who prefer that. libertarian to the most conservative)
Taken In Hand women or religion (there are Taken In Hand
do not diminish or lose themselves Christians, Jews, Buddhists, pagans,
in the relationship. In fact, many Wiccans, agnostics and atheists,
report feeling more themselves, more etc.); and Taken In Hand is not about
creative, more productive, more able being anti-feminist or indeed pro-
to do what they want to do and feminist.232
more able to make progress in their
lives “SEDUCTION OF THE INDEPENDENT FE-
Taken In Hand is not about women MALE” (19 OCTOBER 2004)
being told they need to be more
submissive, and you will not see Men sometimes ask how to initiate
many instances of women being a Taken In Hand relationship with
accused of “topping from the bot- their girlfriend or wife. I am a wom-
tom” on this site. Whilst such posts an over 40 and a feminist. I have a
may be appropriate on some sites, doctoral degree and own my own
they are not appropriate here, be- consulting firm. I am the sole
cause Taken In Hand does not advo- breadwinner in my family and I
cate submissiveness—kindness, con- have been married over 20 years.
siderateness, behaving decently, yes Our relationship had long been in
of course, but self-sacrificially serv- place and I was clearly more com-
ing and obeying? No. The Taken In fortable in any realm where I had
Hand relationship is wholehearted- control. Intimacy was a distant
ly consensual and for the delight of memory. Deep inside I wanted to be
both spouses. Although the husband taken in hand and was terrified to
is firmly in control, the marriage is admit that this superwoman, super
very much a joint endeavour. We see mom wanted nothing more than to
it as an exciting, fascinating and fun be submissive. How could I admit
adventure. that at home I wanted to give up
Taken In Hand is not about spank- control? I wanted my husband to
ing, or having a discipline or pun- lead me. I wanted to feel like a
ishment fetish, and despite com- woman again and not some efficient
plaints that the site is thus focused, money-making machine. I was the
many or even most Taken In Hand one who finally proposed the ex-
relationships involve no spanking, change of power, and I will never
‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’. regret it.
Taken In Hand is not about intol- I have given the issue of how a
erance for others' choices in life. Not man with a wife like me could initi-

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ate this concept, test the waters to implies pride in her beauty as well
see what happens, and slowly over as some possessiveness).
the course of several months, assert When at a restaurant, ask what she
himself into the role of head of the wants, and then when the waiter
household. If approached slowly comes over, immediately order for
and with love, I believe that a wom- her and then yourself.
an will come around. If she doesn't, Always hold her hand in public.
then certainly a more direct ap- Always! This is not optional. Do not
proach right off the bat would prob- let her pull her hand away. If she
ably have backfired big time. attempts to walk away, squeeze her
Of course there is risk to pushing, hand and gently pull her back to
even gently. You could scare her your side. Lean over and whisper in
further away. Generally speaking, in her ear asking her why she needs to
a long-term relationship, where love leave you. Make her tell you. Then
and commitment already exist and a smile, kiss her cheek, and let her
hasty exit without discussion would hand go. If the excuse is nothing
be unlikely, I would say, move ever more than a way to get you to let go
forward. Don't give up. Don't back- of her hand, tell her she can do that
slide. Don't be bullied into your old later and continue to hold her hand.
role. You are taming the shrew, and She is unlikely to cause a scene. As
you must assume she wants to be she stands there livid, she realizes
tamed. Assert control and increase you literally have the upper hand.
your charm in increments. If you are She doesn't want to create a scene in
wrong, she will never give an inch, public, and you won't let go. She has
she will fight you all the way. After no choice but to do as you say. Each
months of trying and making no time this happens, you show her
progress, you may need to re- your strength and power over her.
evaluate. You could then put your Anticipated response: “Don't ever
cards on the table and see what do that again.”
happens. Reply: “I just love having you near
I am no expert but I believe this me.” Keep doing it. You may have to
approach is worth a try. These are take her hand, because she will be
just one woman's suggestions to unlikely to offer it. Once again, if
inspire you. You know your wife or you do this when others are present,
girlfriend best. Use that knowledge she will hopefully feel too awkward,
to adapt these ideas for her as the to refuse. If she pulls away, say quite
individual she is. What would work loudly, “Now honey, don't be that
in one case might be disastrous in way” and quickly take her
another case. hand. Don't let go. You have to be
willing to be forceful in this regard
General Rules even if it may cause others to stare.
Occasionally call her your bride They will simply think it is a lover's
when referring to her in front of quarrel when they see you are smil-
others (even if she objects: the term ing and looking on her with love
and she is pouting. You can't let
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
what others think prevent you from even notice I was gone. I couldn't
proceeding. She may have a higher sleep so I went to the office to catch
tolerance for making a scene than up on some work.” This should be
you do. Outlast her. true by the way. A nervous woman
Always open car doors for her. is more likely to take risks in open-
Anticipated response: “You don't ing herself up to intimacy and aban-
need to do that. I don't like it.” doning some control.
Reply: “Oh, but I do.” Smile, end Never give in to temper tantrums.
of conversation. When she gets bitchy, ignore her
Anticipated response: She rushes completely. If she has PMS, howev-
to the car door before you and opens er, pour her a glass of water, hand
it herself. her two Midol PMS pills, and say, “I
Reply: Open the car door again. love you even when you're all
Unlock her seat belt. Readjust it so PMSy.” Then ask her if she'd like
that it fits her snugly making sure to some cuddle time. Honor her re-
give her breasts a stroke with the quest.
back of your knuckles as you do so.
Then kiss her on the cheek and say, Initial Steps: No Positive Response
“Just want you safe, my love.” This Needed from Her
is much more intrusive and intimate Note left in wallet, “You drive me
than the door being opened, so may wild.”
result in her allowing you to open Tell her to close her eyes while you
the car door in the future to avoid tell her a dream you “had” about her
this. Other women watching will that was sexy and sweet.
find it tender and romantic. If she is in her later 30s to early
Whenever your efforts to initiate 50s, tease her often about hitting her
intercourse are rejected, get dressed sexual peek. Tell her it is obvious
and leave the house for at least a that she is hitting it because men can
couple of hours. If she asks where sense it. If you leave town, tell her
you are going, just respond almost you may have to get her a chastity
as if you are excited about it, “Out belt because you don't want any
for a drive. You get some sleep. other men sniffing around while
Sweet dreams.” Kiss her on the fore- you're gone. [Your assumption that
head before you go. The goal is to other men would and should be
give her room to doubt her hold on attracted to her will be very flatter-
you or at least on your lovemaking. ing, even if she does not appear flat-
Could you be seeing someone who tered.]
won't deny you? Is she at risk of When you catch her about to wake
losing you? Simply plant this seed up, position yourself so that it is
by allowing for the possibility in her obvious that you were admiring her
mind. At some point, you might body while she slept. Then when she
even stay out all night. (You can notices, kiss her on the lips and hip
sleep in your office). Then if she and say: “Good Morning you unbe-
questions you, simply state, “You lievably sexy woman, you.”
were so tired; I didn't think you'd
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When you are in public and get less he still has pimples, he will say,
separated talking to different people, “Yes sir, you certainly are.” You
make sure she catches you looking have now elicited a compliment
at her with interest and a smile as if from an unknown male and she has
you can't stop thinking about her. heard it. Is he just saying that to be
Periodically cross the room and as polite, or does he think it for real?
you put you arm around her waist, What a total rush for your wife.
slide it up so that your hand is un- Even if she protests, your goal has
der her arm and your fingers are been accomplished, and you can say,
actually along the side of her breast “I can't help myself.” It may have
for a moment. Not enough for any- been a long time since she thought
one to notice, but enough for her to of herself as a prize.
realize you just touched her breast in Make a reservation at a charming
public. Then whisper in her ear be- bed and breakfast within a short
fore you walk away again, “You driving distance. On a Saturday af-
look so sexy in that dress.” ternoon, when you know your cal-
Develop the fine art of winking. endars are clear, tell her you need
Wink at her from across the room. her to accompany you on a com-
Wink at her across the table during a monplace errand. Have a bag
meal out. The wink is an unspoken packed for her in the car trunk. No
intimacy and it is very flattering to pyjamas necessary, you simply for-
the recipient. Let other women see got to pack them. (A toothbrush,
you wink at her. They will tell her cosmetics, medication, change of
how lucky she is to have a husband clothes.) Then drive her to the hotel
who is so attentive, always holding and check in. Each time she asks, tell
her hand, opening her car door, put- her it is a surprise. When you arrive,
ting his arm around her, calling her tell her she needed a mini vacation.
his bride, etc. The more that others Then stroll along a small town and
tell her she is lucky, the more she browse antique shops, or something
will have to think about the fact that she would enjoy that you would
the other husbands don't seem to do ordinarily hate doing. Be a really
this for their wives. good sport about it. Have reserva-
Anything you can do to make her tions someplace quiet and romantic
blush, even if it is in front of for dinner. When you get in bed, tell
strangers (not people she knows.) At her how much you love her and you
the mall, at a restaurant, etc., you enjoyed spending the day with her.
can say to the clerk or server, this is You know how tired she is, so if she
my bride of xx years, isn't she abso- wakes up in the night and wants
lutely beautiful?” They will of you to make love to her, simply kiss
course say yes. Start out by doing you awake. Whether or not there is
this with older women who will find intimacy this night is her call. This is
you charming. Then try it with a her vacation. Your goal is to show
male, but change the question to, her that it is not just about sex, but
“Aren't I a lucky man.” As a mem- also about enjoying time together.
ber of the brotherhood of men, un-
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Intermediate Stage: Playing with The next time you catch her in the
Fire position, say, “I knew it. There you
When watching TV, sit next to her go again. Driving me crazy bending
on the couch. As soon as she says over like that. Next time you do that,
she's tired and turning in, say, I'm going to assume it's an invita-
“Come kiss me good night after you tion.”
brush your teeth.” This gives her Anticipated response: “It is not.”
time to brush her teeth, wash her Reply: “Then you best not be
face, put on her pyjamas, etc. Then bending over around me anymore.”
when she comes back out, pick her Then the next time you see her
up and carry her to bed. If she bending over, assume it is an invita-
doesn't come kiss you goodnight, go tion. Make a sexual sound like a
into the bedroom. growl, slap her on the rear, pick her
Once she is in bed, tuck the covers up and carry her to the bedroom.
all around her. Kiss her gently on Anticipated response: “Stop it. Let
the forehead. Say, “I love you. Sweet me go right now.”
dreams my darling.” Then leave her Reply: “Not until you apologize.”
alone. While she sleeps, take a per- Anticipated response: “For what?”
manent marker and write your name Reply: “For taunting me with your
just above her pubic area. When she sweet ass again. Repeat after me,
throws a fit in the morning, feign “I'm sorry for tempting you with my
innocence: “What a sweet thing for sweet ass again.”” Don't let her up
you to do. Honey, that must be just until she says it. Then say, “Apology
about the nicest gifts any man could accepted, but only this once.”
ever receive. You are full of surpris- Then the next time, take it one step
es.” Then kiss her. Do not respond to further in bed. Don't let her up until
questions. Do not respond to anger. she let's you kiss her breasts, etc.
Every woman has to bend over to Each time it goes a bit further. This
pick up newspapers, junk on the should be very playful in your tone.
floor, toys, things she dropped. Re- Situate yourself spread eagle be-
gardless of whether it is true or not, hind her on the floor or on the bed,
simply for the sake of this exercise, and wrap your legs around hers and
she must believe that you honestly your arms around her as well. “I
assume that each time you catch her want you to rest your head back on
doing this she is trying to sexually me and describe a sexual fantasy or
entice you. When you catch her make believe story.”
bending over, say: “You know that Anticipated response: “I don't
drives me crazy when you bend have any.” Or “Absolutely not. Let
over like that. In fact, I suspect you me go.”
do it on purpose just for that rea- Reply: Wrap your legs and arms
son.” around tighter and don't let go.
Anticipated response: “I do not.” “You don't leave until you tell me a
Reply: “You can't fool me, you lit- sexy story. You have a great imagi-
tle tease.” nation. No excuses.”

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Anticipated response: Silence or joying his touch, she tries to hide the
“No.” redness in her face when she sees
Reply: “If you had to write a sexy him staring at her bare body. Then
romance novel would the theme be: he suddenly disappears without a
pirate/captive, patient/doctor, word, leaving her stranded in his
school girl/professor? Pick one. home/boat/castle with no clothes,
Now tell me what is your lovely no way out, but plenty of food. For a
heroine's name? [Insert her name?] week she waits, alone, feeling aban-
How did she meet her rogue, [insert doned, realizing that she actually
your name]? Does she resist him misses him, even aches for his touch.
initially? How does he win her over? Then he returns carrying a wardrobe
Does he do this?” Start touching her filled with beautiful dresses and
breasts. If there is no resistance, con- jewelry he has chosen just for her.
tinue the questioning, “What about She falls into his arms and he carries
this?” Touch her elsewhere; continue her to the bed, and they live happily
the pattern. ever after.
Anticipated response: Stop It. [Note: As ridiculous as this
Reply: Then tell me the story. sounds, there must be some reason
Anticipated response: She tells one millions of women read this story
and really tries. line over and over again in romance
Reply: “Why you little vixen you! I novels. This is exactly what you are
can't believe you think of naughty trying to accomplish.]
things like that.” Then let her go. When you finish the story, you
Anticipated response: She tells one say, “So the rogue, while not perfect,
but makes no effort, and willfully treasures his sweet little captive.
makes it boring or ends poorly, like And with lots of patience and lots of
the heroine slaps the rogue and love, he finally awakened in her the
leaves the country never to be seen desire she had long suppressed.”
again. [Meaning, she does not lack passion
Reply: “We need to work on your or a sex drive. She is simply sup-
story telling skills. We'll practice pressing it. And your evil plot is to
again soon. I'll give you an example. unlock the box.]
Make her the lovely innocent and While she is sitting on the couch or
you the rogue. She is kidnapped by in a chair, walk up from behind her,
you and taken from her father be- encircle your hand around a large
cause he was enraptured by her amount of hair and hold it. Then tell
beauty. He is a bit rough around the her you are going to brush her hair.
edges, but never hurts her. Never- Anticipated response: “Stop it.”
theless, he feels free to have his way Reply: If she attempts to move
with her whenever he wishes, and away, hang on to the hair that you
will only pull her back into the bed, had initially placed in your hand. As
and spank her bottom, if she at- long as it is a handful of hair and not
tempts to get away. Otherwise he is a few strands, it shouldn't hurt her,
very gentle. Over time she realizes but it will keep her in the seat. “Oh
that he loves her. But she resists en- no you don't. I've wanted to do this
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a long time, and you're going to sit While at dinner at a restaurant,
there while I enjoy myself. Go ahead where she can't easily get away, de-
and watch your TV show and don't scribe for her an erotic dream that
mind me.” Then when finished, lift includes spanking for a real reason,
her hair and kiss her on the back of followed by intense love and loyalty.
the neck, and whisper, “Now that Make the example one where she
wasn't so bad, was it.” had risked her safety (no seat belt,
Anticipated response: “Yes it driving while drinking, etc.) Then
was.” tell her it feels good to have a wom-
Reply: “Then I obviously need an you can not only dream about but
more practice.” you can share your dreams with.
If she has a ratty t-shirt or some- At this stage, whenever she gets a
thing she wears to bed that you hate, bit surly or bossy, give her a playful
throw it away. When she questions swat (not a caress) on the bottom,
if you know where it is, play dumb. and say, “Careful, you don't want a
If she has no sleepwear that satisfies real spanking, or do you?” This
you, one day when she is out, take should be repeated many times.
all of the pajamas out of her closet Whenever she objects, tell her that
and hide them in a box in the gar- she brought it on herself by doing
age. When she notices, tell her that whatever it was she wasn't suppose
you were tired of her wearing to do.
clothes to bed that hid her beautiful
body, so she can sleep nude or she is Advanced Stage: Intimacy
free to purchase from among the When she is out of the house, re-
items you have selected for her move locks from all bedroom doors
online. Then show her what you so she can't lock you out or find a
have chosen for her from place to sleep where she can keep
VictoriaSecret.com or similar site. you at bay. It is fine to leave locks on
You can place it in a cart so she can the bathrooms doors. If she chooses
review the items and choose with to sleep in the bathroom all night,
you. she probably will only pull that
Anticipated response: That night stunt once.
she shows up for bed in another Each time she seems to be resistant
baggy T-shirt. Smile at her wryly to intimacy, you must give a show of
and wait until she goes to sleep. strength and assert your will. Grab
Then with a flashlight so you can see her arms, and while kissing her
what you are doing, carefully cut the forcefully, move her arms behind
t-shirt from top to bottom (front or her back, and hold them there. This
back—it doesn't matter). When she should in no way hurt her, but is
wakes up, she'll get the idea. Her intended to make clear that with
options were nude or your choice. your superior strength, you could
Repeat this until she breaks down easily force her if you chose to do so.
and chooses to order from your se- Then after a long hard kiss. Look
lection. into her eyes, and let her go, and
walk away saying absolutely noth-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
ing. Ignore anything she may say explain further. If she didn't really
that is negative and walk away, re- want to go, take her out anyway. If
sponding only with a triumphant she now refuses to go, or really
smile. You are calm. She is flustered wanted to go, don't take her. The
or angry. You have won that round. next time she is out of the house,
Plan a date night and that morning remove all of her clothing and place
before going to work, set out the it in a closet to which you have in-
outfit you want her to wear. Tell her stalled a lock and have the only key.
to have it on when it is time to go Remember to pull any of her dirty
out. because that particular outfit clothes out of the laundry room too.
emphasizes her beautiful (breasts, When she realizes she has no
legs, rear end, or such). Don't ask clothes, explain that from now on,
her. Tell her. you will be picking her clothes every
Anticipated response: She isn't day since she seems unable to com-
dressed in the outfit you chose. promise with a simple request for a
Reply: “You're not dressed. Shall date night. Then she only gets
you go change into the outfit I chose clothes that day if she must go to
for you or would you prefer that I work or attend a critical meeting.
dress you?” When she agrees to wear what you
Anticipated response: She objects like for date nights, give her back
and refuses. only the clothes that you like and
Reply: Repeat your statement those that she must wear for work.
looking directly into her eyes with- At some point when you are tak-
out anger but with authority in your ing her somewhere that she really
voice, “Will you go change into the wants to go, and where you are very
outfit I chose or would you prefer unlikely to run into anyone either of
that I dress you?” you know, ask her to wear a short
Anticipated response: She still re- sleeved shirt with fabric that stretch-
fuses. es. When she comes out ready to go,
Reply: If she really wanted to go walk up to her and tell her that there
on the date, tell her you are disap- is one more thing you need to do
pointed she doesn't want to go and first, then through her shirt, unhook
proceed to fix a sandwich from the her bra. Reach up one sleeve and
fridge. If she won't be disappointed pull down the strap below her elbow
by your canceling the date, then tell and over her hand. Then proceed
her that you assume her refusal to with the other strap. Then if her shirt
change herself, means she wants you is untucked, reach up under her
to dress her. Then reach to begin shirt and pull the bra off removing it
undressing her. from under her shirt. If the shirt is
Anticipated response: She literally tucked in, reach down the front of
dodges you. her shirt and pull the bra out of one
Reply: Do not chase her or force it. sleeve, then the other. Then lay the
Stay in place and remain calm. Stare bra to the side and tell her that now
at her then tell her that her decision you're ready to go out with me.
will have consequences. Refuse to Keep one hand on her lower back to
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
keep her from backing away from ter, a bowl of grapes, etc. Hand her
you. tissues if she cries and tell her you
Anticipated response: “What do love that she has such a romantic
you think you are doing? Stop. I heart. Give her a foot massage while
can't go out without a bra on!” she watches the movie. During the
Reply: “Okay then, we won't go.” movie, make it obvious you are
Anticipated response: “Fine then, watching her as much as you are
I'll go without you.” watching the movie. After the mov-
Reply: “I don't think so.” Hold up ie, tell her you'll clean up while she
both sets of car keys. Without the gets ready for bed. When you get in
keys, she has to choose whether to bed, kiss her neck, ears, lips. Whis-
go braless or not go at all. per to her that you love her. Then
When you hear her in the shower, make love to her.
wait until you believe she is just Anticipated response: Any word
about done, then step into the show- that comes out of her mouth should
er with her. be met with your index finger over
Anticipated response: She stays. her lips and a soft “Shhhhhhh. I'm
Reply: Kiss her and touch her making love to my lovely wife to-
breasts; you know the rest. Tell her night so don't interrupt me.”
she looks unbelievably sexy when At some point when she has vio-
she is wet. If there is any intimacy lated your instructions after having
permitted at all, after the shower, been cautioned before that there
you get a towel for her and start to would be consequences next time,
hand it to her. Then you say, “Wait a take her hand. Look her in the eyes.
minute. Not so fast.” Then you dry Tell her, “I told you there would be
her off. First wrap the towel around consequences.” Pull her over your
her and kiss her while the towel knee, and slap her on the bottom 2
soaks up most of the moisture and or 3 times. Announce that this was
then pat dry her entire body paying just a small demonstration of what
close attention to her pubic area and happens when she disobeys. Help
breasts and bottom. Finish by say- her stand up, and keep a firm hold
ing, “All done, would you like me to on her. Look her in the eyes, and tell
add some lotion?” Even if she says her, “I love you. You are the most
no, as you walk away, say, “Well precious thing in the world to me
then, anytime I can be of assistance, and so is our relationship. I have
just let me know. I'm always happy waited far too long to take you in
to help.” hand. Things will be different
Anticipated response: The second around here. Make no mistake. I will
you get in the shower, she bolts out tan your backside if you don't start
of the shower. showing me some respect around
Reply: Snicker loudly as if mock- here. Are we clear?”233
ing her modesty.
Rent and watch really romantic
movies in the dark together. During
the movie, wait on her. Ger her wa-
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“HOW MY HUSBAND TOOK MY CLOTHING you want. You might cut up her
dress and then find it's one she real-
CHOICES IN HAND” (19 OCTOBER 2004)
ly loved. Women don't get over that
sort of thing easily. You don't need
I have always paid a certain
an instruction manual to tell you
amount of attention to what my
how to have a relationship, you need
husband likes in the way of clothing,
to find out for yourselves what
and these days I pay more, but he
works for you.234
didn't force me to do this. Before we
went on holiday this year, for in-
stance, he told me he wanted me to
“DOMINANCE, INTEGRITY AND NEEDING TO
get a new swimsuit, because the one FEEL SUPERIOR” (19 OCTOBER 2004)
I had “makes you look too matron-
ly,” he said. I think he meant it made I don't think a man can be truly
me look fat, but even my husband, dominant without integrity. Not that
though not normally given to being integrity is only a masculine charac-
tactful, knows how dangerous it is to teristic, of course; I would say that a
suggest a woman looks fat. woman also needs integrity to be
Well, I said he could choose the truly feminine. Integrity is an essen-
suit he wanted for me, and he chose tial feature of being a whole, mature
a plain turquoise one which was not human.
the one I had my eye on. When I There are so many men who pos-
tried it on however, I realised that he ture at being dominant, while inside
had chosen better for me than I they are really quite insecure. And
would have for myself, and that the when a man thinks that his domi-
plain one suited me better than the nance depends on him being “right”
more flamboyant one I would have and making his woman “wrong”
chosen. then I'd say it's just his insecurity
It occurred to me that this was a coming out, which manifests itself as
perfect microcosm of how a Taken a lack of honesty and integrity. But if
In Hand relationship is supposed to a man realizes that he doesn't have
work. He didn't ignore my tastes to be perfect in order to take the
and wishes, he chose a suit in a col- dominant lead in a romantic rela-
our he knew I liked, and he didn't tionship, that he doesn't have to be
pick one out in too revealing a style, right all the time; then he can act out
which he knew I wouldn't be com- of the inner strength of integrity,
fortable with. He considered my and not try to pretend to be some-
tastes, but he made the final deci- thing that he's not, just in order to
sion. In other words, I trusted his appear dominant. This is what
judgement, and it worked. many, many self-proclaimed
I was rather thrilled about this. But “Doms” just don't seem to under-
the point is it was by mutual con- stand: that the more they huff and
sent. He didn't use steamroller tac- puff and put on airs of being all-wise
tics. You need to think about what and all-important and all-powerful,
your partner wants as well as what the more weak and insecure and

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
unmanly they will appear to percep- only be established or justified on
tive submissive women. the basis of his perceived “superiori-
I guess the bottom line is that a ty” in some particular quality. And
man is either dominant or he's not; if that “superiority” does not in fact
and pretending just doesn't cut it. exist, well, he'll just have to pretend
First he has to be a whole, mature, that it does, and hope he can fool
responsible, honest, human being. some woman into believing him.
Then he also has to be in touch with But a truly dominant man realizes
his own masculine strength and that both he and his woman are fully
power, and enjoy being a strong adult human beings, intelligent and
man, and be comfortable in using mature, and equally worthy of re-
that power when appropriate. Then spect. Then his dominance is justi-
he has to have some understanding fied on the grounds that: (1) his
of women, both as human beings sheer masculine strength gives him
very much like him, and also as fem- the power to conquer and coerce
inine beings who are profoundly her, in a way that she would not be
unlike him. He needs to be able to able to do to him; (2) both of them
respect women, including the deep find that fact deeply erotic and thrill-
feminine desire to surrender to a ing, and it enhances their romantic
dominant man. Any man who love for each other. That's what I
thinks that a woman's submission to mean when I speak of the dominant
a man somehow makes her “less” alpha male.
than him is utterly clueless about I'll also add that when a man finds
women, if you ask me. When he can his masculine dominance fulfilled
respect her for her feminine surren- within a romantic relationship, then
der just as much as he respects him- I think he's less likely to go around
self for his masculine dominance, trying to push his dominance in are-
then the magic of romance can be as where it really doesn't belong.
kindled. (That is, aggressively trying to be the
But when a man is not truly domi- alpha male at work, in politics, in
nant, and is insecure with himself as social groups, etc.) Not that he won't
a man or even as a worthy human still have a healthy competitive
being, then the issue of his domi- streak; but just that he won't feel his
nance will always leave a fearful manhood is on the line every time
nagging question in the back of his his boss chews him out over some-
mind: “By what right do I justifiably thing petty. That is, male dominance
dominate this woman?” And then within a romantic relationship can
he'll try to justify his dominance enhance his sense of pride and com-
with irrelevant reasons. Like: he's fort in his own manhood; but it can-
“wiser” than she is, so that makes it not give that to a man who doesn't
ok. Or, she's somehow a lesser hu- even have any in the first place.235
man being whom he can dominate
without feeling guilty. (“Vir-
gin/whore” complex, much?) He
tends to feel that his dominance can
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“OUR NEW BEGINNING” (20 OCTOBER a mutual understanding. When I
arrived home she was in our room
2004) and on the internet. Upon seeing me
she quickly shut town the computer
My wife and I have been married
and we began to address what was
for about thirteen years. At times
bothering me.
our marriage was a happy one.
Suddenly all the hurt and anger
However, several times infidelity on
from her infidelity seemed to creep
her part was evident. I, a forgiving
out in our conversation. Don’t get
person, continually forgave her. But,
me wrong—I by no means used the
as time went on each incident be-
past to make her feel bad or guilty.
came more damaging then the first.
But I started to see the hurt in her
Towards the end I found that my
eyes. I walked out on the balcony to
wife no longer respected me. She
have a smoke.
saw me as a week scourge or hen-
To my surprise my wife gently ap-
pecked. We divorced and I moved
proached me softly and submissive-
on.
ly without any anger in her voice.
A year later we begin dating again
She grabbed me by my hand and led
and remarried. We have been back
me into our front room. At this point
together now for about five years.
I only thought she wanted to con-
This time around has been great. We
tinue to talk. I sat down on our
have spoken about me being more
couch and I expected her to sit next
lovingly dominant and firm with
to me. But instead she went and
her. She claimed that she loves a
locked the front door and closed the
man to be dominant and yet she
drapes, then approached me, asking
resents him for it. In short she did
me to spank her for thirteen years of
not know what she really wanted.
guilt that she has been feeling. I did
We did have had several major inci-
not know how to handle this. I once
dents and we have toyed with the
asked her to submit to this in the
use of punitive force in the past but
past but she refused, and I never
never seriously.
brought the subject up again. So at
Well now I am in my 40s and she
first, I was a bit reluctant, but she
in her 30s a change of demeanor
encouraged me and assured me that
seems to have occurred. Today I was
I was in control. So I spanked her
at work and angry with her over the
soundly.
usual power struggles between us. I
Afterwards, she wrapped her arms
never try to be controlling, I try to
around me and asked if I forgive
value her freedom of choice and
her. She said that she wants to spend
ideas. But lately things have become
the rest of her life with me. I know
bizarre to say the least. However,
that it was hard for her to submit to
being at work and being upset, I
such a thing. My wife is a strong-
realized that I would be no good to
willed woman and at times can be
my boss. I asked for the afternoon
arrogant. The love that I felt for her
off. My intent was too come home
after I spanked her was overwhelm-
and speak to my wife and try to gain
ing. It seemed that all the hurt and
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
anger between us went away. We down to a question of how we
further were able to discuss things choose to use language.
between us that in the past we were It's interesting that the dictionary
unable to. I know that my wife will gives rather different shades of
continue to have a strong will and meaning to the words “violent and
that is ok with me. But she is com- “violence.” Here are some meanings
mitted to trying to change our lives of “violent”: Marked by, acting with,
to allow me to lead, nurture, and or resulting from great force; ex-
protect her. And I will be in con- treme, and/or marked by intensity;
trol.236 moving or acting with physical
strength; urged or impelled with
“DOMINANCE AND FORCEFULNESS, AND force; excited by strong feeling or
VIOLENCE” (20 OCTOBER 2004) passion; forcible; vehement, impetu-
ous, fierce, furious, severe. Hmmm,
In a relationship based on male most of that sounds to me like it's
dominance, the man will probably quite applicable to a Taken In Hand
have the woman's blanket con- relationship, i.e., masculine domi-
sent (good terminology, BTW) to use nance and feminine surrender. It's
physical force to control her. In that all about passionate, forceful intensi-
case, he does not need to get her ty, which seems like a good thing to
consent each and every time he does me.
that; he can assume that it still holds But here's some of what they say
even if she is protesting vociferously about “violence”: Physical force ex-
at the moment. Indeed, something erted for the purpose of violating,
like that sort of blanket consent is damaging, or abusing: “crimes of
necessary if the man's dominance is violence”; abusive or unjust exercise
to be maintained as a serious and of power; assault, injury or abuse;
permanent state of affairs, and not transgression or oppression. Hmm,
just a fun game that happens for a well that doesn't sound too good at
few minutes during a play session. all, does it? That's not about passion
Is this violence? I think most of us at all, but about injury, damage, and
don't consider it violence as long as abuse. There is some overlap be-
the woman is consenting to this type tween the two definitions, and I've
of relationship, and as long as the exaggerated the differences here, to
man doesn't cause her any real make a point. But the question is,
harm—that is, no lasting physical why should there be any difference
injuries. But I don't think you can at all, between “violent” and “vio-
have this sort of relationship with- lence”—which are just the adjective
out incurring a few temporary form and the noun form of the same
bumps and bruises—and that is pre- concept?
cisely what would make it “violent” I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that
in certain politically correct circles, it might have something to do with
and maybe even in most people's the last few decades of activism
view. Like so many things, it comes against “domestic violence.” There
can be some very real problems with
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
men who do actual injury to women, ceptions of “violence” make it diffi-
of course. But it seems to me that cult for many people to see this. The
many feminist advocates who have word “violence” is often inappropri-
condemned all forms of “violence ately applied.
against women” are deliberately For example, let's say a woman
trying to blur the lines between acts plays on a soccer team and comes
that are merely intense and forceful, home all bruised and banged-up,
and those that do serious physical following a hard-won victory on the
harm. In their view, a man who field. I'll bet the radical feminists—
merely pushes his wife up against a and the public at large—would have
wall without hurting her, or who nothing but cheers and accolades for
just restrains her while she's having her. But if a woman were to incur
a tantrum, is committing “violence” the same exact injuries—minor and
against her, merely by using physi- temporary as they are—at the hands
cal force. And by that measure, “vio- of her dominant husband, there
lence against women” becomes a would be a huge cry of outrage.
problem of epic proportions, requir- Why? In both cases, the situation has
ing police departments to intervene the woman's total consent: she's
in the most petty domestic disputes, there to have precisely this sort of
and government agencies to hold experience, and she's there because
training sessions to deprogram men she chose that. In both cases, the
out of their violent impulses. injuries are minor and temporary; no
If these were courses in anger lasting harm will come of them. (In
management that teach men to this example; obviously both soccer
punch a pillow instead of their wife, and husbands do have the potential
that would be a very good thing; to do real injury.) In both cases, the
such courses have proven their ef- lifestyle she's chosen is important to
fectiveness. But in many cases, these her; but I think we can safely say
programs follow a radical feminist that for most women their marriage
agenda of teaching that any form of would be much more important
male domination is wrong; and that than any sports team. The only rea-
the husband must not only refrain son society approves of the first case
from injuring his wife, but must also and strongly disapproves of the se-
refrain from trying to assume any cond case is that they refuse to
sort of leadership role in the rela- acknowledge that male dominance
tionship. (I kid you not; I've looked can be a good thing, and that many
at a number of sites that explain this women will enter happily and will-
strategy. From their view, all evils ingly into that sort of relationship.
are a result of male dominance.) Those assumptions need to be chal-
Consensual relationships based on lenged.237
male dominance (including the
man's ability to enforce his domi- “ASSERTING DOMINANCE PHYSICALLY
nance via his greater strength) can FORCEFULLY” (21 OCTOBER 2004)
be a wonderful thing for many men
and women, but the common per-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Spanking is not the only means for her, not to terrify her so badly that
a man to demonstrate forceful phys- she wants to flee for her life.
ical dominance over a woman. It 3. Or instead of backing her into a
may be more “safe” and less likely wall, he can grab her and force her
to be viewed as abuse than other against his body—hold her wrists
means just because parents often behind her with one hand, and with
spank children but it was never my the other hand crush her gently
favorite thing. Here are some other against his manly chest. Again, if he
forceful tactics that a man can use to is a big man and strongly built, this
assert dominance over his woman: cannot help but impress her with his
1. Walk right up to her (it helps if physical power, and make her feel
the man is tall enough to tower over fragile and helpless by comparison.
her) and then keep walking, so that If a man is pressing your face into
she is forced to keep backing up; he his chest, it's hard not to be intimi-
can back her all the way up into a dated. Even just the act of holding
wall and then hold her there, just by both her wrists in one of his big,
pressing against her with the bulk of strong hands while she struggles to
his body. (Although he might need free herself (provided he can actual-
to put his arms against the wall, too, ly do that), will impress her and
so she can't slip out.) If he is much tend to bring out her submissive
bigger than she is, this is a very in- side.
timidating tactic. 4. Or the man can take her by the
2. If he's really mad and wants to wrists, and then drag her over to the
demonstrate his dominance without sofa. He can sit down and force her
hurting her, he can smack the wall to kneel between his legs while he
with the flat of his hand. She will still holds her wrists, and then take
feel the force of his blow reverberat- her head by the hair and make her
ing through the wall as she's pressed look up at him. With her head at that
up against it; and if he hits it hard, level, it's an excellent position from
this will certainly impress her with which he can remind her once again
his masculine forcefulness. Or to be who's boss. (He could also reach for
even edgier, he can hit the wall with his zipper and assert his dominance
his fist—but this will probably dam- in another way; but he'd better know
age either the wall or his fist, de- how to deal with a biter before he
pending on what the walls are made tries that.)
of. (Good idea to figure that out first; 5. Or he can just pick her up and
because hurting your own fist is not carry her into the bedroom, and toss
exactly a good way to demonstrate her on the bed; then he can get right
your dominance.) In either case, he on top of her and pin her down as
should not strike too close to her she struggles. Again, if he can pin
head, because if she moves a bit then both her wrists with one hand, then
he could hurt her badly. It's enough he can use the other hand for intim-
to hit the wall in the general vicinity; idation tactics; either grab her head
the point is to impress and frighten and read her the riot act, or maybe
even punch the pillow by the side of
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
her head, to express his power and hold somebody without injury; so it
assert his dominance. can actually be much safer to get
Anyway, the point in all of these manhandled by a black belt than by
scenarios is for the man to use his some guy who hasn't got a clue. Al-
physical strength to intimidate the so, when sparring you can put on
woman into submission, without heavy foam pads so you can still feel
actually hurting her. If she is sexual- the blows, without really getting
ly submissive, she will probably find injured. But this is a situation where
herself simultaneously feeling heart- the woman really needs to assess
pounding fear and deep sexual de- how much she can trust the man, in
sire as she is forced to surrender to terms of both his intentions and his
him. expertise.
For couples who have some expe- Anyway—not that I've got any-
rience in the martial arts—judo, ka- thing against spanking, but there are
rate, wrestling, etc.—there will be plenty of other ways for a man to
plenty of other creative ways for the physically assert his dominance over
man to physically assert his domi- his woman. Some women may like
nance without actually hurting his this sort of harmless “bullying”; I
woman. (I once had a karate teacher certainly know that I do. But then,
who did this so effectively that I had it's probably not everybody's cup of
to quit the class because I just could- tea, either.238
n't deal appropriately with the in-
tense erotic stimulation as it oc- “FORCE OF WILL” (22 OCTOBER 2004)
curred in that setting; my submis-
sion instinct would kick in, and I Many women are happy for the
would just turn to jello in this man's man to use physical force to control
hands. But I suspect he was doing them, but for me this is not what
that intentionally, because it was works. There have been a few times
never a problem in other karate clas- in our marriage when my husband
ses I took.) has used his physical strength to
But here it becomes important not overpower me, and these occasions
only that the man is bigger and only caused me anger and distress; I
stronger than the woman, but also didn't find it pleasurable at all.
that he's more skilled in the martial What I find attractive and exciting
arts than she is. (Or at least equally is being brought to a state of sub-
skilled, so that his strength still gives mission by my husband using the
him an overwhelming advantage.) If power of his will rather than his
so, then this can be a very hot way to physical strength. If he were to grab
get into physical dominance. It me and spank me forcibly when I
might sound dangerous to those was in a temper or sulking or some-
who have never done martial arts; thing, it just wouldn't work—I need
and indeed, it could be if the man is to be brought out of the temper first.
ignorant of what he's doing. But That he can do this is something I've
good martial artists know how to only recently discovered, and it has
pull a punch, and how to toss or greatly enhanced our relationship.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Since he has started giving me necessarily mean having to suppress
much more serious spankings than any dominant tendencies you may
I've ever had before, I find myself have.
sometimes thinking I just really can't I mean by “persona” a set of ha-
bear any more. On the first occasion bitual patterns of behavior (where
he spanked me like this, I struggled others would call it “personality”—
off his knee about halfway through but we all have more than one per-
and said, “I can't take any more, I sona). We all have dominant and
just can't!” submissive personas to use when
“Yes, you can,” he replied, with appropriate, whatever our primary
this new authoritative manner that I persona.
find unbelievably sexy; and he very But we also have an emotional
gently but firmly pushed me back core (sub-conscious) that produces
over his knee, but he used only min- our emotions. And the emotional
imal physical pressure. It was the core qualities (while fixed in each
authoritative voice that hit me right person) can be anywhere from
in the libido and made me go back strong dominant thru almost neutral
there and stay there (more or less). If to strong submissive. And there
he'd just used brute force to keep me usually is tension between our per-
there, which he quite easily could, it sona traits and our emotional core
would just have left me shaken and qualities.
upset. It's the mental rather than the Those who are naturally submis-
physical forcefulness that is the turn- sive (emotional core) sometimes
on for me. I've always known he's have primary dominant personas
physically stronger than I; it's find- and adapt to it. So, in my opinion,
ing that he's capable of dominating whether a dominant-dominant rela-
me with the strength of his personal- tionship would work at all (assum-
ity that has been the big turn-on for ing one party is naturally dominant)
me.239 depends on whether the other party
is naturally submissive with a strong
“CAN TWO DOMINANT INDIVIDUALS HAVE dominant persona.
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP?” (22 OCTOBER I can't see how two strong natural-
ly dominant individuals could get
2004) satisfaction from an intimate rela-
tionship. Friends, maybe.240
In her article “Who says you have
to be submissive?”* the boss said
that she is more drawn to the idea of “WHICH COMES FIRST? DOMINANCE OR
a D/d (dominant-dominant) rela- SUBMISSION?” (23 OCTOBER 2004)
tionship than to a D/s (dominant-
submissive) one. She argued that Some readers may have noticed
wanting a dominant man does not that I rarely write about dominance
and submission. Instead, I might say
that a couple knows what needs to be
* “Who says you have to be submis- done or equivalent wording.
sive?” 15 July 2004.
379
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
The reason that I do not write order to achieve (for them, at least)
about dominance and submission is a higherend.
that I am coming from a different To complete the triangle, a low
point of view from some writers on dominance woman may need to be
Taken In Hand in that I write about drawn out of her shell so that her
families and children—which are fear becomes respect. She might
central to the purpose of men and need to be spanked because she is
women forming unions. loved and, for all of her initial terror,
Thus, to me, the question which needs to know that she is important
comes first—dominance (control) or to the man she married. Regardless
submission—becomes a chicken and of dominance level, most women
egg argument. It does not much understand a man laying a firm
matter which comes first. Women hand on their backside much better
tend to be drawn to men whom they than his walking out and leaving
know will meeting their needs by her. Furthermore, regardless of his
being a good provider and father to faults, women come to appreciate
her children. (That is, in fact, the the committed man as she becomes
definition offered for middle domi- older.
nance* women—who comprise most The most likely scenario for a typi-
of the female population.) cal couple is that there are two paral-
Conversely, those who come from lel tracks on which successful rela-
the high dominance perspective can tionships run—not unlike a railroad.
be (not necessarily are) a challenge. When the relationship bends one
In return for their respect, these way or the other—as in a curve—the
women expect a man to go one bet- weight of the relationship may shift
ter. Consequently, a man might have more heavily on one rail or the oth-
to prove his superior dominance to er. Even on a straight run, the train
such a woman before she will sub- (relationship) may sway more to one
mit to him. rail or the other and back again in a
On the other hand—as described rocking motion.
in articles such as “Our new begin- At the same time, it must be real-
ning,”† “How I became submis- ized that women can and do test
sive,”‡ and “In praise of Fascinating men as part of their innate survival
Womanhood”§—more conventional mechanism. Women do give implicit
women might become submissive in permissions on which the expect
men to act. In time, if men fail to act,
women will despise them.
Simultaneously, most women—as
* “Women want men who are more
well as the relationship they are in—
dominant,” (9 September 2004) would benefit from being taken in
† “Our new beginning,” 10 Ocotber
hand physically (soundly spanked)
2004.
‡ “How I became submissive,” 1 April on occasion. Otherwise, women ac-
2004. quire the “mark of the beast” in that
§ “In praise of Fascinating Woman- they acquire metaphorical horns and
hood,” 25 October 2003. become combative.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
In time, neglected women can be- trepidation adds an exciting, sexy,
come evil—doing great damage to even thrilling frisson to life.*
their husbands, their children, their The sort of fear I am talking about
families, and themselves. Some be- is not the fear of the battered
come politically correct fanatics! wife but welcome fear—fear that the
When all is said and done, wheth- particular individual at that particu-
er submission or dominance comes lar time enjoys. As I have ex-
first probably depends on the type plained before, a non-jaded horror
of relationship as well as the indi- movie buff would enjoy feeling
viduals in it. Some women can be scared when he watches a film
quite subservient. Others require a like The Ring or Halloween. Similarly,
looser rein. an experienced public speaker might
To try to impose a singular, abso- enjoy the nervous trepidation she
lutist style on all would be sheer feels before she begins to speak to a
folly. It is its own brand of political large and potentially hostile audi-
correctness.241 ence. A child might love the terrify-
ingly long, dark and curvy tunnel
“HAPPY LIVING IN FEAR OF A MAN?!” (25 slide at her local water park—and
OCTOBER 2004) might be disappointed if the fair-
ground “Ghost Train” ride turns out
Who in her right mind would be to be less scary that she had hoped it
happy living in fear of her man? would be.†
You'd have to be crazy to want to be In his 1903 book, Sex and Character,
afraid of your husband, wouldn't Otto Weininger wrote:
you? So why do some women ac-
tively want to feel a little trepidation Woman is essentially a Phallus
worshipper ... permeated with a fear
around the man they love?
The short answer is that for the
* It should be obvious that the sort
Taken In Hand woman such fear can
be erotic. It can make her exquisitely of fear I am talking about here is nothing
like that of the battered woman living in
and delightfully aware of the au-
fear of her husband. Nor am I making the
thority and control her man has over argument that battered women enjoy
her. Living under the control of a being abused. And I am certainly not
man may be the last thing some suggesting that women living in fear
women would want, and we can should keep a stiff upper lip and grit
argue about the amount and type of their teeth and “be strong” in the face of
control we are talking about, here, their fear. That sort of fear is wholly bad.
† Others would be so terrified that they
but ultimately, that is what the Tak-
wet their knickers—and at the other end
en In Hand woman wants; and for
of the scale, some would not feel fear of
such women, a touch of fear and any kind in these situations. I
am notsaying that all women (or even
most!) would enjoy feeling a little afraid
of their husbands. This piece is about
those who do, for those who do. Every-
one else, please ignore it!
381
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
like that of a bird for a snake... It has
he won't shrink from using to com-
never until now been made so clear mand respect from her, she can relax
where the bondage of women lies; it at last. The welcome fear has liberated
is in the sovereign, all too welcome
her from the unwelcome fear. For the
power wielded over them by the
Phallus. Taken In Hand woman, this is deep-
ly relaxing, endlessly fascinating,
This quote is powerfully erotic for and intensely erotic.242
many of those for whom it embodies
a grain of truth. It alludes to the “THE EROTIC POWER OF THE UNSHACKLED
power of a dominant man to consen- MAN” (30 OCTOBER 2004)
sually and erotically control the
woman who worships him. It high- I have long thought that separat-
lights the fact that the man and the
ing sex from the rest of life must
woman are different from one anoth-
logically tend to make the rest of life
er, and it alludes to the fascination,
the hint of fear, and the vulnerability less sexy than it can be if you don't.
that a woman in love can feel for her Going through life energised by
man. a frisson of sexual charge seems like
When the Taken In Hand woman a very sensible idea to me. So when I
is with a man, she wants to be aware first read this—
of the man as a man. She wants to be
aware of his masculinity, his physi- I am not a crypto-submissive; I am
cal strength, and the fact that he is dominant in sexual games, and my
different from her. She wants to feel fantasies are as you would expect
respectful towards him. Being aware given that fact. However, I do think
of his authority, his power, and the that there are other things in life than
control he has over her reminds her sexual fantasies, and I can tell the dif-
that he is not “one of the girls”. He ference between reality and fantasy.
may well be her best friend, but he is
not a buddy and she doesn't want —I was struck by how profoundly
just another platonic friendship with I disagree! The idea that there is
him. He is the man she loves and more to life than sexual fantasy is
reveres, the man in charge, the man true only in a sense so obvious that
who can make her shake and quiver it does not need to be stated. In an-
with a mere word or look. other sense, it is completely untrue.
Many a strong, high dominance In a Taken In Hand relationship, the
resistant woman with a command- couple's sexual connection is a uni-
ing presenceand alpha tendencies,
fied, integral aspect of their lives
constantly fears that she might inad-
together rather than being separated
vertently overwhelm and control her
man. When such a woman knows from the rest of life.
that the man is an autonomous per- The fellow quoted above clearly
son very much under his own con- sees the man's authority and domi-
trol with real power and authority nant control as something to keep

382
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
firmly locked in the bedroom— sponsibilities. If a man's dominance
merely a sexual role-playing game is thrilling during playtime, hey, call
having no significance in any wider me greedy but why limit it to play-
sense. He sought to reassure the time?! Why not bring a little excite-
female reader that his authority is ment into the whole of life? If un-
strictly fantasy only—that he is not a shackled male authority can infuse
puritan but a “Dom”, and that in life even the most ordinary interactions
in general, he believes firmly and mundane tasks with sexual
in equality. Indeed, who but a hand- charge, why deny yourself that
ful of misogynists, feminazis and pleasure? Couples who have a good
frowny atavistic traditionalists sexual connection are happier,
would argue that men and women healthier, more energetic, less likely
are unequal? Well, in the sense rele- to split up, more able to solve prob-
vant here—couples freely choosing lems together, and they are having
to be in a hot Taken In Hand “une- more fun!
qual” relationship in which the man So who is the puritan here? The
has authority over the woman to her Taken In Hand person for who wel-
great joy—Iwould! comes and embraces male authori-
In her BDSM book, Erotic Surren- ty and dominance without lots of
der: The Sensual Joys of Female Submis- rules and limits—or the BDSM per-
sion, Claudia Varrin says something son who insists that it must be clear-
similar to the chap quoted above: ly labelled “fantasy”, that it is strict-
ly for the designated playtime
These playtime characteristics are “scenes” only, and that it must be
just that—playtime, pretend, like a kept locked away otherwise? ;-) (My
child's game to be put away when the
BDSM friends know that I am only
mantle of adulthood and its respon-
sibilities are again around your
teasing. To each his own. Forgive
shoulders. Enjoy the playtime and my little jest. The irony is just too
pretend world you and your partner delectable!)
create for yourselves. … Although it Look at what Taken In Hand folk
is sometimes tempting to blur the line say about the effects of bringing
between fantasy and reality, the dis- male dominance out of the bedroom
tinction must always be made. (p. 16) and into life in general. Do you see
miserable, downtrodden wom-
The trouble with locking the man's
en suffering under the weight of all
authority firmly in the bedroom
that terrible unconstrained male
toybox and only bringing it out at
authority? Men unable to cope with
“playtime” is that there are never
the freedom? Women wanting less
enough playtimes, and between
male dominance in their lives? Or do
them, the fun is given over to all
these grave and weighty adult re-

383
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you see women who are delighted? who spoils me rotten. Who would've
Louise wrote:* ever thought that something so seem-
ingly simple could have such pro-
Since we started having a Taken In found impact on our union?
Hand relationship I have found that
there is never an occasion when he Can you see why I so profoundly
disagree with the statement I quoted
wants sex when I don't feel like it too;
I seem to be in a mild state of sexual at the beginning? Why separate your
arousal virtually all the time when he life into sexual and non-sexual bits,
is around—it's fantastic. I really, real-
playtime and weighty serious stuff,
ly like feeling like this. exciting fantasy dominance and
drab, boring authority-less reality,
Race, who has been happily mar-
when you can have all this? Why not
ried for 30 years, says:†
do as Taken In Hand couples do and
Taken In Hand has played a very
allow the erotic power of unshack-
big part in the success that GT and I led male authority and real con-
have had. Never has our communica- trol to infuse the whole of life, mak-
tion been so alive, never has sex been ing it brighter, more stimulating, a
so erotic and steamy, never have we little more dangerous and a lot more
had so much confidence—I could go fun?243
on and on
“EMBRACING MY INNER ADULT” (30
And Stephen says:‡
OCTOBER 2004)
The benefits have been profound.
After a childhood of sexual abuse,
Even after five years we still behave
acrimony, fighting, and pervesions
like newlyweds. She feels secure and
more feminine in knowing that I am
in my home, and after years of
in charge and I proudly, without working through it, thinking about
shame or self-consciousness, am able it, not thinking about it, talking
to be true to my masculine nature. about it, and finally crying about it...
What a relief! I must also add that I I put my inner child to bed.
have gained a loving and caring wife That poor, hurt, and ever-vigilant
child needed a long rest. I embraced
the grown up I had become through
* See: it all. Damn, it would be nice to heal
<https://web.archive.org/web/2015042 that little girl, but I can't. It would be
3014008/http://www.takeninhan- nice to make her dreams come true,
d.com/alpha.male.dominance#-2318>
† See:
but I never will. The best I can do is
craft new dreams based on who I
<https://web.archive.org/web/2015032
6031636/http://www.takeninhan- have become and what I want to be.
d.com/what.taken.in.hand.is.about.and. Oh, I'd like to be better than I am,
what.it.is.not.about#-1942> but to hell with it. I just am. I'm here,
‡ “How I turned the fantasy into reali- finally.
ty,” 29 December 2003.
384
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
My inner adult is aggressive, fun- understood that men behaved one
ny, acerbic and suspicious, tough, way and women another. When the
adventurous, and ever surprised by two genders came together as a cou-
beauty. This world is not enough... ple, they fit like parts of a puzzle to
there's not enough sky or beauty or form a whole that was greater than
music or love but that I want more the sum of their parts.
and I'm determined to find it, wrest To be sure, there were always the
it from the ugly and cynical and Professor Higgins types about,
store it all up as a treasure in my wondering aloud why a woman
heart. The thrill of being alive and could not be just like a man. Yet,
breathing and dwelling, comfortably when women tried to behave like
for once, in my own body is too deli- men, they became more neutered
cious to not be excited about. than manly—a lot of bark without
After 25 adult years of trying to much bite.
reconcile all that that was my child- Meanwhile, as men tried to behave
hood, and hoping my spouse would the way that self-professed gentle-
heal/help/guide/provide the im- men thought that women wanted
possible filling of that ache, I them to act, a strange thing hap-
stepped up to difficult line of adult- pened. Instead of being more liked,
hood, and never looked back. What they became less respected. The re-
a relief, for him and me. sult, which more closely resembles a
Yes, I'm the one who said there are heap of jigsaw puzzle pieces, has
no knights in shining armor.* How been thoroughly confusing to men
strange to find that I don't need one weaned on the pabulum of political
now. But damn if they don't look correctness.
mighty sexy in all that strength and For millennia, women have sought
steel! Now, I want one!! For all out men able to protect them. That
the right reasons. urge did not suddenly go away just
Besides, every warrior queen because entrepreneurs began mar-
needs a worthy escort.244 keting electric lighting and sliced
bread. In reality, at some point, most
“TAKEN IN HAND IS NOT A LIFESTYLE” (30 women want a man to behave like a
OCTOBER 2004) man. Part of the expected behavior
includes taking them in hand for an
Alternative labeling—such as old-fashioned straightening out. It is
“dominance” and “submissive”— part of the test of a mate's manhood
only became necessary when men about which women are, before the
stopped acting like men and started fact, seldom explicitly forthcoming.
trying to please women by becoming If he never does so—especially if the
more feminine. Before the age of woman's needs are ignored—the
political correctness, it was generally woman will come to despise the
man whom she once loved.
It is not that women relish pain
* “There is no knight in shining ar- and most certainly not cruelty. Ra-
mour,” 9 August 2004. ther it is that they respect strength—
385
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
especially when coupled with honor your mindset of what ownership
and honesty. Along with things such means. While Gary could pick all
as diligence and thoughtfulness— the clothes in the world, if I nix it, it
the combination creates a man with doesn't happen. And if I tried on
whom a woman can form a lasting everything he wanted, but I was
and fruitful bond that will withstand excited for one thing entirely differ-
the ravages of time and the on- ent, I'd get it, because he wants me
slaught of events beyond their con- happy and he spoils me. So when he
trol. wants a push up bra because it's
Being taken in hand is not Wednesday, no problem. Or as he is
a lifestyle. It certainly is not an alter- so fond of saying, “it doesn't belong
native lifestyle. Instead, it is a suc- to you anyway, your breasts belong
cessful survival strategy that has to me.”
withstood the test of time in both But to please Gary I dress each
Eastern and Western cultures.245 year on my birthday as a prostitute
and we go out on the town. Now I
“HE OWNS IT ALL...” (3 NOVEMBER am the slut that he owns. And I can't
2004) even begin to explain how I feed off
his excitement. It works both ways.
Some Taken In Hand posters react I do just about anything to please
strongly against the idea of being him. And it does not interfere with
owned: “He doesn't own me....he is any independence I may have.
the head of the household,” said All dignity is intact, in fact rein-
Lisa.* For me, it has taken some ac- forced. If he picked out my clothes
cepting, but Gary does indeed own would I wear them? Damn straight I
me. That does not make him a ty- would. And quite frankly, there is a
rant, but it does mean pleasing him. hint of pride in being owned and
But bear in mind that my comfort, loved so well...246
needs and desires come almost be-
fore his demands. “OWNERSHIP AS BONDING” (3
For example, while he may de- NOVEMBER 2004)
mand a sexy piece of clothing, I can
tell him what my needs are and he The idea of ownership may be
will relent. But if I am told “no pant-
troubling because it conjures up
ies,” there is no alternative. notions of indelicacies such
I happen to take comfort in as slavery (chattel-like property) or
his ownership of me. The care and the Stockholm Syndrome (identify-
attention he provides equals only to ing with one's captor) as well as oth-
his affection. I suppose it's partly in
er forms of victimization.
In reality, ownership within the
* See: bounds of a monogamous relation-
<https://web.archive.org/web/2014111 ship may be more wisely considered
5111335/http://www.takeninhan- as an intense bonding in which two
d.com/how.my.husband.took.my.clothin become one.
g.choices.in.hand#comment-2272>
386
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
While I do not own my wife in any operation made her look absolutely
legal sense of the word, she knows hideous.
that she belongs to me in an exclu- I think most men base their initial
sive bonding. At the same time, interactions with women on whom
there is no other woman in my life— they consider most appealing. That
and has not been for almost forty sounds a bit shallow, but it is a fact
years. of life. I think it's a fact that most
Ask my wife if I own her and she women have learned to tolerate,
might reply that I do. At the same whether they like it or not. For those
time, she is quite aware that who don't fit the popular mold of
she possesses me as well. what is considered “sexy”, this can
Over the years, we have become be a painful ordeal. They seem to
something more than either of us think that since the majority of folk
could have been on our own.247 don't view them as beautiful, no one
will.
“BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER” This is an attitude that has caused
(6 NOVEMBER 2004) me much anguish. A woman whom
I consider hot has such low self-
I have what some folk consider a esteem regarding her appearance
rather unusual attraction to some that she kills the mood of an inti-
women who appear unattractive to mate moment. Regardless of what I
others. My most difficult task with say or how I act, she presumes her-
such a woman is convincing her that self to be repulsive.
she really turns me on. She is so How dare she presume what I
hung up on negative past experienc- think! How dare she presume what
es that she actually refuses to believe turns me on! How dare she defy
that anyone could possibly be en- me!248
tranced by her image.
It's so pathetic that public percep- “WHAT WORKS FOR US” (6 NOVEMBER
tion of beauty is limited to the harsh 2004)
and cold visage of the typical “Super
Model”. I want a real woman, not a My wife I and were high school
plastic display piece. sweethearts and tied the knot fresh
I know of a woman who had plas- out of school. We have had a very
tic surgery to conform herself to the successful thirty-year marriage. We
most popular view of desirability. have three children ages 27 to 13,
She was delighted with the result, as and our two older children have
were many others of her acquaint- blessed us with three very beautiful
ance. Conversely, I was extremely grandchildren.
disappointed with the change. Oh, Almost a year ago, my beautiful
did I say “disappointed”? That's wife, GT, asked me to take her in
rather mild, considering the fact I hand. Reading the Taken In Hand
was livid with rage. I thought the web site had helped GT come to
terms with feelings that she had

387
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
suppressed for 28 years. This site think of positive ways to do things
helped her realize that it was okay to in her everyday life, to buy herself a
crave the masculine-feminine dy- new set clothes every month, and to
namic that happens in a Taken In wear thong underwear. This latter
Hand relationship. rule is a very effective way of re-
When my wife asked me to take minding her of my presence and my
her in hand, I was surprised to say dominance in our relationship. Be-
the least. My natural dominance had sides, she looks very sexy in them!
been suppressed for all those years. I have made GT and our Taken in
But GT's request unleashed my nat- Hand relationship my total focus
ural dominance; and as the days and passion. I consider this relation-
passed I have, to my wife's delight, ship an earned responsibility that
gradually stopped suppressing it, has been given to me and I have
the effect being a tremendous posi- vowed to surround my wife and this
tive effect in our relationship. relationship with love, confidence,
As my confidence grew and I be- and leadership. So I have also set
gan taking control, there was a total guidelines for myself these include:
dynamic change in our life together. no disobedience, disrespect, or dis-
This is not to say that poof, over- honesty. Never would I mentally or
night, all of a sudden, I had total physically abuse my wife; I always
control. It has taken months to get to keep my wife's health and wellbeing
the point we are now at in our rela- in mind; and never do I take her in
tionship, and we still have a long hand physically without a reason or
way to go. We are fully aware of the out of aggression.
tasks and the commitment it will Though it may seem on the surface
take to raise the bar even higher in that I am domineering or demand-
our relationship. That being said, we ing of my wife, I am not, and nor do
are excited by the journey and know I micromanage her. However, I do
we will get there. have certain expectations, and my
So how does it work in practice, wife is fully aware of them and
for us? We have found it best to knows the consequences if she fails
have some ground rules. There are to meet them. But it is not all about
three things that I will not ever tol- spanking. Another way I express my
erate: disobedience, disrespect, and dominance is with a look, whisper,
dishonesty. This is absolutely set in or a touch. It is very easy for me to
stone. My wife knows there will be get my wife's attention this way
consequences for any of these three while in public.
things. Keep in mind that this is Although it may sound pompous
what GT wants: it is not that I am and arrogant to some, this is how
imposing a Taken In Hand relation- Taken in Hand works for us. I have
ship on her. surrounded my wife with passion
I have setup a variety of guidelines and I have committed myself to her
to give my wife a feeling of emo- wants and needs by taking her in
tional protection and security. Here hand. In return I have earned her
are a couple of examples: I ask her to submission. Never has our commu-
388
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
nication been so alive, never has sex So one of the (minor) thrills I get
been so erotic and steamy, never when my husband takes me in hand
have we had so much confidence as is a little shiver of illicit pleasure.
we do now. Taken In Hand has had After all, what would any of my
such a positive impact on my rela- friends and relatives think—all of
tionship with GT that I don't know whom see me as a strong woman
why we didn't start it 28 years ago. (well, that's what they've said)—if
There have been other significant they knew my husband spanked me
changes since GT' gave me her un- because I was being too bratty? Most
conditional consent to take her in of our immediate family know that
hand. For example: no longer do we my husband has taken on a more
argue—I don't remember the last traditional role as head of house-
time I raised my voice to her, and hold, but I don't think they realise
any time something controversial what he meant when he told them!
comes up we address it properly. I It goes far deeper than that,
am not sure why Taken In Hand though. I don't appear to be especial-
works, but it does! ly wired to get hooked on illicit
I own my wife's heart, love and pleasures in general—I'm too nerv-
devotion both emotionally and ous of being found out!
physically, as she said.* I have taken There is the thrill of the fight in it
GT in hand for these reasons: be- for me at times—the struggle to not
cause she craves, wants, and needs give in, be it a mental or physical
it; because I want to support her, struggle; and the thrill of being
protect her and be there for her; and overcome both mentally and physi-
most of all—because I love her!249 cally. There is something intensely
arousing in being beaten (not in the
“WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE CON- abusive sense!) despite myself, alt-
TROLLED BY A MAN?” (7 NOVEMBER hough I suspect there has to be a
strong connection there already. In
2004) other words, if someone who wasn't
my husband did it, I might accord
In this day and age, if you're a
them more respect as a result, but
woman, it seems you're not sup-
would probably not be aroused.
posed to want your man to have any
Although I may then have a need for
sort of control over you. If you do it
my husband to do likewise to me!
implies, for some reason, that you're
Then there's power—definitely an
weak or misguided. That somehow
aphrodisiac for me—at least when
wanting a dominant man automati-
the man I love is wielding it over
cally says that you can't stand up for
me! It's not just that he has an aura
yourself.
of dominance, it's also that he ex-
udes sheer certainty that he's going
* See: to get what he wants (be it sex on
<https://web.archive.org/web/2013012 demand or a cup of coffee...). I may
8031824/http://www.takeninhan- put up some resistance (well, maybe
d.com/he.owns.it.all#comment-2464> not in the case of coffee), but we
389
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
both know that he's going to get his may be good for us, but it doesn't
way. mean we have to like it.
But—I don't think any of this Is monogamy good for us? If you
would affect even slightly if I wasn't put any stock in studies undertaken
very, very aware of how much he by university scientists, you will find
loves me, and if I didn't love him myriad examples of the benefits of
back at least as much.250 marriage: 60% of single women
reach the age of sixty-five, whereas
“MONOGAMY” (11 NOVEMBER 2004) 95% of married women do. Drug
and alcohol abuse among 500 000
The same person...the same face, young test subjects dropped sharply
the same body, the same lips, the among those who married. The Uni-
same everything, from this day for- versity of Chicago recently conduct-
ward for the rest of your life. ed a study that showed married
Can you handle it? people make twice as much money,
According to some people, it's like have twice as much sex and experi-
hell on earth. ence half the domestic violence as
Never before in our history has those who co-habit, and the num-
monogamy been such an issue. Be- bers are likely even higher when
fore the middle of the twentieth cen- compared to those who don't live
tury, no one every talked about it— together.
you were generally married for life But none of these statistics ever to
and if you were a man, you had a seem to impress the legions of peo-
discreet little bit on the side. If you ple who run a mile from marriage
were a woman, well what does a and consider monogamy too close to
woman care about sex, anyway, as “monotony” for their liking. For
long as she has a nice shiny new them, the sixties and seventies never
Frigidaire? During the sexual revo- ended. One taste of unfettered
lution, relationships didn't even last promiscuity and they're hooked,
as long as the party did, and then deadly diseases or not. These are the
you were on to someone new whose people who seek sanction for their
name you never quite got. And then philandering, and try to convince
came the eighties. Just when you the rest of us that monogamy is un-
thought everyone was cool with the natural, and ultimately unsustaina-
idea of casual relationships, along ble, and that we're all just kidding
comes AIDS and terrifies everyone ourselves if we try to pretend oth-
back into the safety of long term erwise.
monogamy. In the aftermath of all One of their favourite arguments is
this, people in the twenty-first cen- that, as animals, it is our biological
tury have grudgingly accepted that imperative to disseminate our DNA
committed relationships are proba- as widely as possible. We are driven,
bly the healthiest, even if they relish they maintain, to have sex with
the idea as much as they do vegetar- many, many partners in our lifetime
ian bacon or tofu pizza. Monogamy so that we have the best odds of
living on in the next generation.
390
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Most animals don't mate for life, criminately sexual as they are is ri-
they argue, and so neither should diculous.
we. The only argument that's left, then,
The simplest answer to this argu- is that promiscuity is just more fun.
ment, before even getting into the It's too boring, opponents of monog-
obvious benefits of monogamy, is to amy say. It just isn't exciting enough,
realize that human beings are ani- being with one person all the time.
mals in physical form only. We have Some groups have even christened
the most advanced brains on the this lifestyle with an official sound-
planet, and our ability to reason, ing name—“polyamory”—referring
form concepts, to think, is unique to to themselves as simply “poly” and
us. No dolphin ever landed a man maintaining, quite honestly, that
on the moon. No gorilla, no matter they do not see the value in exclu-
how skilled at sign language, ever sive relationships and would rather
wrote a novel or charted the human carry on several meaningful, if tran-
genome or built a skyscraper. There sient, relationships at once. It's more
is nothing on earth like a human fulfilling, they claim, sharing your
being, and therefore no comparisons life with several partners, never be-
to animals are valid, especially when ing truly intimate with anyone.
it comes to something as complicat- I might actually believe them, I
ed and ultimately brain-oriented as might actually defer to them and
sex. acknowledge that while it doesn't
While animals mate out of in- work for me, it obviously does for
stinct—and sometimes at their own them. I might...if it wasn't so painful-
peril, like the various spider and ly obvious that these people are hav-
insect males who give their lives to ing anything but fun, are anything
the female after mating—no human but excited, and are exactly what
being ever mates without engaging they claim to be avoiding: bored out
their mind on some level. We active- of their minds.
ly choose to mate or not to, to repro- Promiscuous people are not hap-
duce or not to, and in every case, we py. They are always looking for ful-
never merely pursue someone simp- fillment around the corner, for ex-
ly because they are of the opposite citement in the next encounter, for
sex. We have sex for more than pro- the bigger, the better, the more out-
creation, whereas animals, with ex- rageous. They are never satisfied
tremely rare exceptions, mate only with what they have, but continue to
during their fertile phases and only strive toward something that is al-
for the purposes of creating off- ways out of reach. These people
spring. We also continue to love and attempt to replace quantity with
care for our children even after quality, growing tired with each
they're weaned, which animals new adventure and moving on, un-
don't. Humans and animals are satisfied, to the next. Soon even the
more different than we are alike; briefest of relationships aren't
arguing that we should be as indis- enough, then it must be a stranger.
After strangers become boring, they
391
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
decide two strangers, now that kind of sex is found within long
would be really exciting. But when term, mutually exclusive relation-
that doesn't work, they have to reach ships. They know, or should know,
lower and lower, degrade them- that good sex depends on it.
selves even more, to find that next And that's the bottom line when it
sexual thrill. When they aren't seek- comes to monogamy. Monogamy
ing newer and more outrageous affords you the best sex of your life.
adventures, they're busy running If you understand, as I mentioned
away from something—emotional before, that sex for humans is as
problems, troubled pasts, flawed much about the mind as it is the
ideas about the validity of love... a body, then it makes perfect sense
happy and value-driven life. The that the most fulfilling sex occurs
inability to find and commit to within a mutually, loving, trusting
someone wonderful is a serious relationship. Being with one person
character flaw, not a lifestyle that you love allows you a level of free-
should be held up as a model of dom and creativity that you can't
human behaviour. possible enjoy with strangers. The
People who claim to enjoy being intimate bond you form with the
“poly” must steel themselves against person whose character you love as
jealousy, an emotion that should, by much as their body allows you to
rights, be a warning sign that they explore the dominant and submis-
are doing something wrong. The fact sive aspects of your natures, without
that they feel it, or have to try des- worrying about political correctness
perately not to feel it when they or misunderstandings. It allows you
have to share someone they care to grow, to experiment, to savour
about with someone else, is proba- each experience and relive it, in real-
bly the clearest indication there is ity or in a shared memory. It re-
that this lifestyle is not at all natural moves you from the realm of jeal-
for human beings. The proof of this ousy or competitiveness, and lets
lies in the fact that if it came down to you live instead in a safe haven of
it, if they absolutely had to choose sexual pleasure and freedom.
one person from their threesome or It is the only kind of relationship
group to be with—just one—every that fosters primacy and privacy, the
single one of them would be able to two most fundamental requirements
make that choice. Everyone has a of a satisfying, long term mutual
preference, even among people they love. When you slip into the arms of
care about. Everyone knows your only love, you know that you
the oneperson they want to be with are welcome, desired, and that the
more than anyone else. tiny, subtle little things that give you
There's a loneliness that pervades the most pleasure are understood by
those who simply flit from one per- your lover, and practiced with care.
son to the next, a sense that they are With most casual relationships, sex
missing out on something profound is a special occasion. It is the ulti-
and real. They know, deep down, mate goal of the relationship, yet the
that the height of love and the best one thing that always eludes the
392
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
players, who chase after it and con- sions, be the powerful and sexy
nive ways to get it and who ulti- woman that turns a man on, is what
mately only get to enjoy it with rela- counts. More and more it counts, as
tive infrequency. Monogamy pro- the body is less what I might want it
vides you with an opportunity to to be (in terms of working properly
enjoy sex every day of your life, in and hurting—not in terms of meet-
every way, infusing even your non- ing some stupid icon of a super-
sexual moments with a tinge of ex- model).
citement and expectation. Spontanei- My mind that ranges through all
ty is much easier when you're mar- sorts of sexual fantasies and doesn't
ried to your lover—if the mood hits lower its eyes and mumble, “Yes,
when you're retiling the kitchen, you Sir,” to some man... unless I damn
can make love right then and there. well feel like it!
You certainly don't have to plan for That's what's sexy.
a Saturday night date and spend all My imagination that feeds a man's
evening wondering whether it's go- fantasies... and makes him so trust-
ing to happen and how good it will ing of me that he will willingly give
be. You can kiss the back of your up his safeword to me... instead of
wife's neck while she's working, or the other way round ;-) ...that's
caress your husband's penis while where I'm sexy.
you're watching TV, neither of It's not about the face, it's not
which necessarily lead to sex but about the body, it's about what is
which reinforce your sensual bond ticking in the mind and what is hap-
with each other and keep the pro- pening in the heart. It's knowing that
verbial romantic fires lit. There's just I hold the secret to his desire and I
no replacing that kind of constant, can make him sigh and moan and
enriching, loving sexuality, no mat- beg for more.
ter how many new faces or bodies No man has to bestow the Cinder-
catch your eye. ella gift on me of telling me I am
Looking into the eyes of the person beautiful. I know what I've got.
you admire most in the world only Beauty is skin deep, and skin wrin-
heightens the physical sensation of kles. Sexy is forever.252
sex; looking into the eyes of a
stranger only takes away from it. “HAVE YOU CAPTURED HER MIND?” (14
Your attitude towards monogamy NOVEMBER 2004)
makes you confront the question of
which you want more.251 For years I have had all sorts of re-
sponses to my looks. I have had
“BEAUTY IS SKIN DEEP; SEXY IS FOREVER” brutes who want to keep me for
(12 NOVEMBER 2004) themselves. I have had weak mind-
ed men who need to find my most
My sexuality has to do with what's unattractive feature to empower
up in my head. My freedom to think themselves. But never once, had a
for myself, make all my own deci-

393
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
man been able to take the most alive came a bit of a game and everyone
part of me and hold it in his hands. did it.
My mind. I was shocked and surprised that
Then I met Gary. out of ten people in the room, every
Yes he was attracted to me. The single one of them picked me to
whole me he sees. But it was my be dominant! (Except for an ex of
mind he captured. That part of me mine, who cracked up laughing.)
that sees him, the world and every- Now, I know within myself that I'm
thing in between. not. The few friends and ex-
I stopped responding to touch boyfriends I've told know that I'm
years ago. But once Gary found the not. But the fact that a whole room
key to my locked mind, I was able to of people that know me quite well
open, to bloom and prosper. Now thought that I was, got me to think-
my body can respond in kind to the ing—if this is the image of me that
images he kindles. And he feeds off my friends have, what on earth are
my energy. My sexual energy be- the men I'm meeting thinking of
cause I like to take most things to me?!
their basic level. I excite him by my I do not fit the mould of a submis-
need to explore, taste, touch and sive woman. This I know. I keep my
pick up the scent. And he uses his hair short because it's easy and it
voice to guide and control. Then his suits me. I wear funky, comfortable
own masculine strength to create a clothes (except when I go out, when
need which he conquers. My body it's funky and a bit sexier). My
and face will linger and show the makeup is either non-existent or
love in my heart. But it's my mind super-dramatic depending on my
that grows, expands and lasts mood. I'm tall and broad-
through the ages.253 shouldered. I am extremely viva-
cious and social and have never had
“HOW CAN A STRONG WOMAN SIGNAL HER a problem talking to people about
SUBMISSIVENESS?” (14 NOVEMBER anything (and I'm a huge flirt!). And
whilst I love getting dolled up and
2004) wearing stockings, skirts and heels,
I'm also the first one to don jeans
After several drinks with some
and pick up power tools when the
theatre friends the other night, the
need arises. I am feminine—both by
conversation turned to dominance
definition (that I'm female) and by
and submission within a relation-
connotation, and I'm very happy
ship. Always fun. :-) (Now, I've nev-
with the fact that I'm a woman. I'm
er told any of those friends explicitly
not trying to be one of the guys.
that I am seeking a Taken In Hand
Please don't get me wrong—I can
style relationship.) One guy went
be girly (how I hate that term) but
round the table, trying to pick
usually only when I'm playing. I
whether each person was predomi-
have no respect for the women I
nantly dominant or submissive in
meet who are really girly-girls be-
the bedroom. Pretty soon this be-
cause more often than not, they
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
seem to be air-headed and useless
and their presence completely coun- “MISTAKES MADE IN FORMING RELATION-
ter-productive when you're trying to SHIPS” (17 NOVEMBER 2004)
get something done. I just don't have
it in me to giggle and bat my eyelids One common mistake that women
and have deep and meaningful con- make is in expecting men to take the
versations about manicures. I've lead in establishing a relationship.
never even had a manicure because While true to the ideal, these days
it makes playing the guitar impossi- passively taking what comes along
ble! often results in women wishing to be
Now, here's the crunch. I love the taken in hand all too often dating
way I am. I'm proud of my body, my aggressive—even predatory—
personality and my opinions. I love wolves rather than assertive men.
that I am strong and independent Smooth talkers do not always make
and can walk home alone at night for good husbands or even decent
(gasp!). I wouldn't want any of that friends!
to change. What I do want is a man A second mistake that women
who is stronger. But, god help me, I make is in trying to trade up in men.
just can't seem to find them! Where Having found one man capable of
are they? And how can I attract the satisfying their needs, some women
type of guy I want without diluting want to find someone better. Since
myself? the grass tends to appear greener on
Eric wrote a fascinating arti- the other side of the fence, once
cle* which gave me a little hope, but women jump over the fence—so to
now I just don't know. All of the speak—that which they left often
articles that I have read (and I thank appears to be better than their new
each and every author for sharing relationship. This leads to regrets
their experiences) deals with Taken and confusion in that the woman
In Hand either within an existing begins to doubt her ability to judge
relationship or in theory. I want to men.
open the floor here and ask you all A third mistake is—made more by
for some advice. How do I convey men than by women, but which can
my submissiveness to a potential seriously affect a relationship if
partner, when everybody seems to made by the woman—in expecting
think the opposite? Keep in mind too much too soon. Patience in rela-
that I don't necessarily want to tionships is a virtue. Impatience in
broadcast exactly what I do in the relationship can be deadly to rela-
bedroom to guys I hardly know! tionships—or even in finding some-
And (specifically for the guys) one with whom to establish a rela-
would you date a gal you perceived tionship.
to be more dominant, for the chal- A fourth mistake is—made by men
lenge in making her submit?254 as much as women—in trying to
change the rules of the relationship
* “The resistant woman,” 20 September
after the wedding. This nasty little
2004.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
surprise has wrecked more marriag- “LOOK FOR LOVE” (18 NOVEMBER 2004)
es than seashells on the seashore.
Like trying to trade up in men, past I have often read women pine for a
failed relationships can adversely dominant man. Of course he should
affect a woman's ability to adequate- have all the right qualities. He
ly appraise men. should be loving, firm, sexy and
A little honesty can go a long way someone naturally dominant would
in improving one's chances for suc- be perfect.
cess. Conversely, someone incapable But here is what life has taught me
of appreciating honesty also lacks and what I have told friends and
the empathy necessary for a long- internet friends who are single and
term relationship. looking.
To establish a workable relation- When you meet someone, it's al-
ship, a woman needs to look for a most impossible to find out immedi-
man who really wants her as a per- ately if he is dominant. In fact that's
son. Acceptance is as much of the not what is the most important qual-
formulation for a satisfactory rela- ity anyway.
tionship as being taken in hand for Everything in a successful mar-
an old-fashioned straightening out. riage has one thing in common.
Some aspects of a woman's person- They love each other. Pure, true love
ality are not amenable to altering by and devotion. So much can be over-
thrashing. come once this has been established.
Conversely, even among dire Once a relationship is established,
warnings to the contrary, the coura- then the points in question can be
geous man is seldom totally averse looked for. Can you submit? Can or
to soundly smacking the bottom of a is he dominant? Is there wiggle
woman whom he really wants to room in your basic natures to ac-
keep if he finds her behavior detri- commodate what you want or need?
mental to their relationship. Is there a place to grow and change,
Still, there are no perfect men any for the positive? I think this is what
more than there are perfect women needs establishing before anyone
in this world. As more than a few gets controlled or dominated.
wise observers have pointed out, “If We have often read of couples who
you found the truly perfect man [or are in long term marriages and one
woman] would he [or she] really of them brings this to the table. And
want to have anything to do with it works. After peaks and valleys,
you?” they find a path. And why does it
Good marriages are made. Spon- work? Because there was always the
taneous generation of first-class denomination of love. Now, if you
marriages is about as common as the are in a marriage where you love
spontaneous generation of viable life your partner—not a passion, but
forms! Marriages supposedly made some other love—this may or may
in heaven require a tremendous not work. It still depends on basic
amount of work on earth.255 character and natures.

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But when you are in a budding re- and women to submit, which we
lationship, I still say it's the love that never questioned at that time. It
will endure. Dominance and disci- worked for us. We were happy, busy
pline can come and go, depending raising a family.
on circumstance and life. But love Sometime later we left that religion
will see you through. Look for that, and belief system during some diffi-
and the rest is about honesty and cult years. Yet our marriage contin-
being forthright and playful. Then ued on in the same manner, with D
everything will fall into place. At being the head of the household
least in my opinion. (head of the household). I wondered
With a foundation, you have trust if we needed to change in our mar-
and deep love. While intimacy may riage, and what and why.
mean being naked and having sex, After some time and lots of read-
that is not the real deep meaning of ing, I've come to the conclusion that
it. what we have is right for us. He is a
To give your trust, your vulnera- gentle, kind, dominant guy. I submit
bility to someone, that is intimate. to him easily, I trust him, we can
To open yourself and your body to discuss issues, he listens to my opin-
someone who loves you is far the ion, does his best to fulfill my needs
greater risk than having a quickie and lots of my wants, too. I know he
with someone you'll have the choice has my best interests at heart.
of seeing again or not. I've never been physically pun-
So much of being Taken In Hand ished, can't even imagine what aw-
starts with a mind-frame. A woman ful thing I could do to warrant such
may give her submission, but it's measures. (An affair? Street drugs?
when she trusts her part- Pretty much things I would never
ner/husband to love her, she is giv- do, anyway!) I have had a lecture or
ing her submission with the desire to two, and have had my spending
give even more than she knows curtailed, and that works for me.
how. He will prod and evoke. She The disappointed look and stern
will bend and submit. Very erotic, voice—yup that works for me.
very intimate, very trusting and full I don't really get
of love. Can this be done with some- the spanking thing some other Tak-
one who doesn't love you? I serious- en In Hand folk like, but that is
ly doubt it256 probably because I avoid pain as
much as possible. I can see it as sex-
“QUIETLY TAKEN IN HAND” (20 ual, I can see it as being cathartic,
NOVEMBER 2004) and I can even see it when trying to
overcome a bad habit that nothing
I am in my mid forties and have else seems to help. I've also seen
been married for a long time. My grown women—and men—throw
husband and I met in a very funda- tantrums like a two year old, and I
mentalist church, where men were thought maybe they ought to be
taught to be head of the household spanked!

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But pain, giving or receiving, of fear it takes to awaken my sub-
makes me feel rather sick to my missive nature and my sexual desire.
stomach. Not sexy at all. SM, I'm But there is no way I would ever
not. want a man to actually injure me; a
Do I feel like a servant or slave? few welts and bruises might be fine,
Not at all. I do take care of the but no serious injury, and nothing
house, kids, pretty traditional stuff, permanent. If I got the idea that
but I'm good at that and enjoy it. there was even a one percent chance
And it is appreciated and rewarded. that he might seriously harm me, I
I see myself more as being treated would be out of that relationship in
like a princess, cared for, protected, a minute. I have always been very
loved, cherished.257 protective of my health and wellbe-
ing, and I always will be. This is not
“LOVE AND FEAR” (24 NOVEMBER 2004) any sort of self-destructive urge on
my part; it's just about the erotic
Years ago, I recall, I first heard the thrill of being dominated and intim-
saying, “Where there is fear there idated.
can be no love, and where there is But if I trust that he will not really
love there can be no fear.” Even injure me, then what does that leave
then, my immediate gut-level re- to be afraid of? It's an interesting
sponse, as a sexually submissive dilemma; and one obvious answer
woman who adores powerful, dom- someone might come up with is
inant men, was: “Well, why the heck “pain.” One can certainly cause lots
not?” of pain without real injury; so I can
While love and fear might be in- imagine that could be an effective
compatible emotions for some peo- way of inducing fear. But I'm not so
ple, for others those two things are sure that it would bring out my sex-
perfectly compatible. But there are ual submission, because I'm not real-
only two sorts of loving relation- ly all that much into pain; although
ships in which I find fear is an ap- some pain is fine. I'd prefer that we
propriate emotion for me; one is as a could find other ways of arousing
sexually submissive woman, in my my submissive inclinations.
romantic love for a dominant man; For me, that is happily accom-
and the other is as a devout pagan, plished by all sorts of harmless “bul-
in my religious love for the Gods. lying” tactics, where a man can
(And for me these two are intimately physically control and forcefully
connected, in that I'm seeking a man intimidate me without causing any
whom I could adore as an aspect or injury or even much real pain. That
expression of the God that I wor- includes pushing, wrestling, swat-
ship.) I am simply incapable of being ting, and so on. The way that works,
deeply and erotically attracted to a I think, is like this: my conscious
man unless there is an element mind knows that I love and trust
of fear there; specifically, fear of his this man completely, and he would
physical, masculine strength and never really harm me; but my sub-
how he might use it. That is the sort conscious mind knows no such
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thing at all, so it's reacting from ing with dragons and other mon-
purely visceral animal instincts of sters; whereas feminine figures often
fear and submission. And somehow, have frightful encounters with terri-
it's the very dissonance of those two fying male lovers.
different emotional levels that Into this latter category I would
makes it so thrilling for me. If you place the rape of Persephone by
take away either the fear or the trust, Hades, and the story of Eros and
then it would lose its appeal. Psyche; as well as a number of sto-
Within a Taken In Hand sort of re- ries involving gods with mortal
lationship, it is understood that this women, such as Zeus with Semele. It
sort of force will not be injurious to also figures into fairy tales, like
the woman, and that the dominant Beauty and the Beast; and popular
man already has her blanket consent monster movies like King Kong—
to engage in this sort of rough play. with the ferocious giant beast grip-
But even so, there are still some ping poor little Fay Wray firmly in
people who are alarmed at the idea his huge, hairy fist. Popular roman-
that a woman would have reason to tic folklore includes the vampire
fear the man she loves, or that she who preys on women's passions and
would deliberately seek out a mate their blood; vampires are considered
that she would be afraid of. the epitome of sexy male dominance
But some have compared this by many women. There is also the
pleasurable fear to the enjoyment legend of the incubus—the demonic
some people get from riding roller male lover of mortal women who
coasters or watching horror movies. stealthily creeps into women's bed-
Or one might also compare it to the rooms at night, and ravishes them as
thrills of skiing, skydiving, wrestling they dream.
alligators, or other risky sports. I'm The power of these dark visions
not personally someone who seeks lies in their potential for pushing us
thrills via fear—at least, not in any beyond all our emotional bounda-
way other than that of being force- ries, and thereby bringing about a
fully conquered by a strong domi- profound psychological awakening
nant man. But I do think there's and spiritual transformation. In
something similar going on there, in most cases that potential is not fully
that moving through one's fears can realized, of course; but that is the
be quite an ecstatic and transforma- pull and the fascination that these
tive experience. alluring nightmares have on our
I have noticed that it's mostly men subconscious minds, I believe. They
who are driven to the thrill-seeking seduce us into a numinous experi-
adventure sports, whereas women ence, along the lines of Rudolph
are more often drawn to finding Otto's “Mysterium Tremundum et
their thrills with dangerous men; or Fascinans.” (That is, the terrifying
at least with men who have an aura and fascinating divine mystery that
of the “dangerous” about them. This draws us in, even against our will).
also shows up in myth, where the This is also one way in which a
heroes engage their destiny by joust- woman's fear of a dominant man can
399
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
be an essential erotic element of a “MY MARRIAGE IS A SAFE HAVEN” (25
loving romantic relationship. It's just
not as straightforward as a simple
NOVEMBER 2004)
fear of pain; nor is it really about the
I think of my home and my mar-
fear of a dominant man's disapprov-
riage as a safe haven. I know that if
al if he were to be disobeyed. Rather,
anyone tried to hurt me or my kids,
it's the primal fear of being over-
my husband would be all over it.
whelmed and swept away by some-
Phone call, 911, left hook, whatever.
thing dark, powerful, and mysteri-
When he is out of town I can't
ous—something that can move a
sleep! I'll only get four or five hours,
woman into a deeper dimension of
because he is not next to me in bed.
vulnerability and awe than she has
He finds this a little amusing and
ever experienced before. A fathom-
calls to remind me to take a nap.
less abyss is reached, a place where
I do hate causing a problem or tell-
she has no real choice but to surren-
ing him I've done something stupid.
der and to trust, to yield in trem-
I hate hearing his stern voice and
bling rapture to the compelling
disapointing him. I do feel trepida-
power of the man she loves. When
tion in those events, but I never am
he pushes her over the edge, she
fearful of him physically (we are not
falls; but it's a flight of ecstasy that
into the spanking punishments.) I
engulfs and consumes her, while he
listen well and screw up as rarely as
remains firmly in control. When that
possible. But then, he overlooks little
dimension is opened in a relation-
things and I never feel like I have to
ship, there is an immense deepening
jump through hoops to keep him
of both trust and love. The man's
happy.
dominance becomes more profound
I love being dominated in bed in
and more compelling, and the ro-
non-painful ways—like having my
mantic dynamics of conquest and
hands held in one of his while he
surrender begin to glimmer with the
makes love to me, or being told to
potent spiritual aura of the ancient
do sexy things. But that is in the
religious mysteries.
realm of play. I don't see how being
That's what I'm seeking in my
slammed against a wall would make
quest for a dominant man, anyway.
sex better, but then I'm not into pain.
Like Psyche herself, trembling in the
In fact, when something painful has
night as she slowly approaches the
happened by accident (he is a foot
bed of Eros with the light of her only
taller than I and about 80 lbs heavi-
candle, I'm moving toward some
er) it has brought things to a screech-
great unknown that could utterly
ing halt, not a higher level of arous-
consume me. It's a quest that re-
al.
quires every ounce of my courage
In real life, I love that he is the
and my trust. But the potential re-
head. I feel secure in that. It makes
ward is worth everything that I
family life easier, too, because my
have, and everything that I am.258
kids have that same respect for him,
and for me, too. I'm the one he pro-

400
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
tects, not the one he fights. I guess tential abusers.” Many of those
we settled the who's the boss issue “warning signs” sound like a shop-
years ago, and I don't even remem- ping list of features that women
ber conflicts over that issue.259 seeking a dominant man would look
for. That's because there's often a
“A REALITY CHECK FOR CRITICS” (27 hidden feminist agenda at those
NOVEMBER 2004) sites, one that opposes male domi-
nance in intimate relationships, no
To: Anonymous Taken In Hand matter how consensual. They tell lies
Reader about the terrible dangers of a little
I gather you believe the following harmless shoving, for the same rea-
ideas, based on your posts; I've par- son that the “war on drugs” folks
aphrased them here, but I think I've tell lies about the terrible “dangers”
captured the gist. Let me suggest of a little harmless cannabis: because
you do some “reality checks” on their underlying agenda is all about
these ideas: an ideology, not about a realistic as-
(1.) Decent men are not willing to sessment of actual dangers. Most
get “rough” with women—only men who shove or even slap women
abusers do that; if a man pushes don't escalate into punching them
you, then he's likely to beat you up senseless. If that's true in most cases,
badly sometime. then realize how much moretrue it
Sorry, but that's a myth along the would be in a relationship where
same lines as “a smart, competent, there is a consensual agreement as to
independent and assertive woman the man's right to engage in some
would never, ever want a man to harmless bullying, and frank discus-
dominate her, or spank her, or rav- sion about the dangers of going too
ish her.” It also reminds me of the far, where the lines are drawn, etc.
fallacious “slippery slope” argu- I will add that I find it quite hilari-
ments used in the “war on drugs”— ous that so many people seem to
which imply that if someone starts think that a little swat or a push is
partakes of a natural, non-addictive bound to escalate into a maddened,
herbal intoxicant like cannabis, then bone-crunching rampage on the
they're hell-bound to wind up as man's part. I studied karate for a few
heroin junkies or amphetamine years, during which time I lived
freaks. Or that someone who enjoys with my boyfriend, who was a black
a daily glass of wine or beer is belt. We had a great time practicing
bound to escalate to imbibing quarts karate techniques, or putting on the
of vodka and whiskey, and dying in pads and sparring. He was very
the gutter, soaked with booze. It's experienced, so he knew exactly
just not true, any of it. when and how to pull a blow; I
But websites against “domestic vi- trusted him in that regard much
olence” perpetuate that lie, along more than I would trust someone
with many others, in their lists of who was not a martial artist. We
“warning signs” to look for in “po- spent probably ten or more hours a
week hitting each other; and as often
401
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
as not, it ended up in the bedroom. thing on the list, and the one thing
He was not quite the man I've been that is absolutely necessary if I am to
looking for, but that's beside the have any sort of hot erotic relation-
point. The point is, a little well- ship. It's not an option; it's an abso-
controlled physical combat does not lute.
have to be “dangerous”—nor does a (3.) I am a naive romantic, in dan-
man have to be an “abuser” to enjoy ger of getting trapped in an abusive
doing that. relationship if I don't try and change
(2.) I could be quite happy with a this essential feature of my sexuality.
“dominant” man who did not get I've already made it quite clear
physically rough with me; maybe that I have no intention of being
just a little spanking and/or BDSM, seriously injured, and that I would
or just agreeing that he's the “head leave any relationship where that
of the household” and that would be seemed like a real possibility. (And
enough to satisfy me. I've done that once before, by the
You don't know me at all, or you way.) The sort of domination that I
would not even hazard such a guess. enjoy from a man obviously requires
I am not really into spanking, nor a large amount of trust, as I noted in
BDSM, nor the “head of the house- the article. It also would entail some
hold” thing; although I am willing to serious conversations about how to
explore some aspects of those three avoid getting into a danger zone,
things if I can find the right man to and etc. Nothing in life is risk-free,
love and dominate me. What I mean including dominant men. But I think
by that is precisely that he is willing that a man who is clear on his domi-
to conquer me: to get a little bit nance and who has ways of channel-
rough with me, use his strength to ing that and expressing it safely is
physically defeat me, and intimidate actually much less dangerous than a
me with the realization of what man for whom there is lots of pent-
he could do to me if he chose to. That up rage that he has suppressed un-
is the big erotic thrill for me, and der cover of “niceness.”
always has been. The other stuff— (4.) I am a naïve romantic, oblivi-
spanking, whips and chains, BDSM ous to the real necessities of life such
protocol and rituals, servitude, as cooking, laundry, paying bills,
“head of the household” and etc.—is etc.
stuff that I used to snicker at and I'm well aware of all that, thanks;
regard as vaguely ridiculous. Why? been doing it for years. I've lived for
Because it seemed to me totally ir- several years now with a man who's
relevant to the business of a man been my best friend for over two
actually dominating a woman, and decades, since we were in college.
the erotic thrill that I get from that. (We're sort of like “Will and Grace,”
You are therefore being unintention- except that we're both straight.) I
ally absurd when you suggest that I understand that dealing with daily
could just drop that one little thing reality and getting along with some-
from my shopping list for a domi- one over the years requires com-
nant man—because that's the main promises and adjustments, etc. So
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
what? How is that in any way rele- Finally, regarding your comment
vant to what I need in a specifically about “almost perfect, but not
romantic relationship? That's what quite”—I'd be overjoyed to find a
I'm talking about in my quest for a man who was “almost perfect.”
dominant man—what my erotic and However, my need for a dominant
romantic needs are. I take it for man who enjoys conquering me
granted that a lot of the other stuff physically is not just the icing on the
will be there as well; but I see no cake—it is the cake. And yes, there is
reason why there should be any a whole list of other rare qualities
contradiction between doing the that are absolute necessities in my
laundry and seeing that my erotic book, as well. (In addition to domi-
needs and desires are met. Why are nant, he needs to be intelligent, pa-
you implying those aspects of a rela- gan, witty, emotional, physically
tionship would be incompatible? strong, and attractive to my eyes.)
(5.) Somehow, I expect the man to And as I've said elsewhere, I'm not
just start dominating and intimidat- willing to “settle” for anything less
ing me “from the get go.” than the essentials. I can be quite
No, I've already said in other posts happy alone, so if I don't happen to
that this is something that a man find what I need in a man, then I
needs to learn how to test for; but would prefer to remain single. But I
that's true of any sort of domi- don't see any particular reason why I
nant/submissive activities, or even shouldn't be able to find what I'm
sexual desire in general. This is defi- looking for, so that's what I plan to
nitely a consensual relationship I'm do in the meantime. Even if I don't
talking about here; but there are happen to find my man, it will do
various ways of interpreting “con- the world some good to hear about
sent.” There are some mild ways to the desire that many women have
start out doing this, that I've men- for strong, powerful, masculine,
tioned before: arm-wrestling, or dominant men.260
playful wrestling on the bed, or the
man pinning her arms behind her as “HAS FEMINISM GONE TOO FAR?” (27
he's kissing her, etc. It's also possible NOVEMBER 2004)
to talk about it, but I don't really like
to do too much of that, especially to Many men and women today are
start with. I don't want a man to rediscovering the joys of masculine
hand me a questionnaire as to what dominance and leadership within a
sorts of activities I enjoy and don't romantic relationship; that's what
enjoy. I want him to do some curi- the Taken In Hand website is all
ous exploring, and find my magic about. But men's dominance over
buttons for submission. If a man women is something that feminism
pushed me into a wall on our second has denounced for several decades.
date, I'd be concerned; but if he did- Does that mean that Taken In Hand
n't do that after a dozen dates, I'd be is incompatible with feminism? I'd
bored. say that all depends on what one

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
means by the term “feminism.” It another; even though the women
has changed meaning over the dec- interviewed often did not even agree
ades, so that today's feminism that assessment. And that abuse was
would be almost unrecognizable to blamed on the One Sin That Ex-
the early feminists who fought for plains All Sins Against Women:
votes and career opportunities for namely, masculinity and male dom-
women. inance.
One fateful turn, in particular, Masculinity itself became the ene-
came with the idea that “the person- my to be defeated, and we started to
al is political.” This idea implied that see the “gender deconstructionists”
to be truly a feminist, a woman had take over the academic world, with
to practice complete gender equality their bizarre notions that gender
in her personal relationships—or differences are not innate at all, but
even take the lead, to make up for rather “socially constructed.” (The
the sins of the past. This was basical- fact that other mammals exhibit
ly a logical fallacy, which confused many of the same gender differences
one sort of category (the political that humans do is a fact that they
equality of men with women, in the conveniently overlook. A cow is a
public sphere) with a very different very different animal from a bull.)
category (the equality of one specific The point of all that is to convince us
man with one specific woman, in the that we have the power to change
very private and intimate arena of our perceptions of gender: if Nature
marriage). Feminism, which started didn't give us gender differences,
out as being all about more choices then we can choose how we view
for women, thus became one more gender. But Nature itself does not
dogma seeking to limit their choices; comply with that vision, and contin-
but now it was being done in the ually offers up proof that gender
name of political correctness. differences are innate. Therefore not
Thus, women's “liberation” started all feminists were convinced; some
to be seen as a matter of “liberating” thought men were just different,
them from having intimate relation- period.
ships with men, especially mascu- This branched off into the two
line and dominant men. At the far main feminist ways of viewing men:
extreme, books by feminist authors either men really are different from
started to denounce all sexual inter- women, hence evil; or men really
course between men and women as can be just the same as women, so
“rape,” (especially if the man was on we should aim all our efforts at
top, gods forbid) and lesbian love emasculating them. Taken to an ex-
became de rigueur if one were to be a treme, the first camp aims at the
truly “liberated” woman. We began eventual elimination of men,
to see widespread hysteria about through technologies allowing for
“date rape” and “domestic violence” female-only reproduction; while the
with over-inflated figures that second camp aims at turning men
claimed that most women were vic- into something like women, only
tims of male abuse of one sort or with slightly different plumbing. In
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
neither of these depressing visions is On the personal front, we see the
there any room for the strong, inanity manifest in such things as
proud, glorious, masculine, domi- “mandatory arrest” laws for domes-
nant alpha male that feminine wom- tic violence; wherein if someone
en respect, appreciate, and admire calls about any sort of disturbance,
so much. the police are obligated to arrest at
One might object by saying that's least one of the two parties, which is
not mainstream feminism, that's just almost always the man, even if the
the radical extreme; but the point woman objects and insists she was
here is that feminism will inevitably not being abused. We have the ab-
become more radical and extreme, surd paradox that if a woman gets
because as soon one set of goals is some bumps and bruises on the soc-
attained, then it has to move on to cer field, then both she and her op-
another, more extreme set of goals ponents are viewed as heroes; but if
and start pushing for those. That is she gets similar bumps and bruises
the only way feminism can justify its at the hands of her beloved husband
continued existence; because other- in a consensual relationship of mas-
wise we would just say that femi- culine dominance and feminine
nism has attained its goals, and its submission, then she's a “victim”
business is done. and he's a “criminal” subject to
There are still places in the world prosecution. Even a harmless push
(such as the Middle East, Africa, or or shove that leaves no marks at all
parts of Asia) where the primary is now considered “violence” and a
goals of feminism have yet to be “dangerous warning sign.” And
reached; these are places where when the husband is sentenced to
women are not allowed to vote, “counseling” for domestic violence,
drive cars, work outside the home, what does he hear? Quite often, he
and etc. But in most English- hears that the real problem is that
speaking countries (and most West- he's trying to control and dominate
ern nations overall), those goals his wife; many such programs are
were attained long ago and we're feminist based, and they revolve
now at the point of arguing such entirely around the axis of opposi-
inane matters as whether or not tion to male dominance in relation-
women are equally capable as men ships.
to go trudging through battlefields I'd say it's clear that feminism has
lugging 100 pound backpacks and gone way too far, in at least three
slugging it out in hand-to-hand dimensions:
combat with enemy troops. (In case
you need a reality check: no, they're (1.) Asserting gender equality in all
not.) Men and women may be equal- things, even where the genders
are obviously and innately dif-
ly equipped to be scientists and en-
ferent.
gineers and business tycoons; but (2.) Extending “equality” from the
they are not equally equipped to be social/political sphere and into
soldiers, firefighters, boxers, or other the personal/private sphere.
strenuous occupations.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
(3.) A hysterical response that far of the women who supported femi-
exaggerates the real threats that nism's early goals, I feel that I
women sometimes do face from was betrayed by the feminist move-
men, with regard to sexual har-
ment. Had I known back then just
assment, violence or rape.
how ridiculous and destructive it
I'll add that I once supported the would become, I would surely have
goals of feminism. And I was part of thought twice before sending in my
the movement of women into ca- donations to N.O.W. and subscrib-
reers formerly reserved for men, ing to Ms. Magazine so many years
since I've worked in applied science ago. Today, I feel that it's partly my
and engineering research. However, job to stop the rampant insanity that
what has happened since then is that radical feminism has brought into
feminism has become a moving tar- the world. We need to take a look at
get. It no longer means what it once what is natural and appropriate for
did, so I no longer call myself a fem- men and women, and how to culti-
inist. Also, while I was always aware vate and appreciate our innate gen-
of my need for a sexually dominant der differences; we need to gain a
man, I was unclear on just how to new respect for both masculinity
fulfill that, or what made it so diffi- and femininity, and find ways of
cult to find. I now have a much making those profound sexual dif-
clearer idea of what I want, and I ferences a meaningful part of our
also understand what is stopping it; lives and our relationships.
and I have to say that the bulk of the One way that any woman can
blame goes to the excesses of the make a difference is by expressing
feminist movement for trying to her respect and appreciation for
feminize men and “equalize” our strong, heroic, masculine men; and
most intimate relationships. (Of by taking a proud and unabashed
course, the “nice” feminist- stance with regard to her own desire
brainwashed men must share some for a manly, dominant man. Women
responsibility for that, too; but if are often shy about this, not only
they really are convinced that all because of the impact of feminist
women want wimpy men, then you dogma, but also because of a certain
can see how confused that would innate feminine modesty; there is
leave them.) something ironic about being asser-
So, I've undergone a journey from tive about one's sexual submissive-
feminist to non-feminist; or even, in ness. It's unfortunate that it even has
some respects, to anti-feminist. This become an issue that needs to be
has often provoked righteous indig- argued in public; but the time has
nation from feminists who feel that I come when it really needs to be said,
somehow owe them something for and it needs to be said by women.
the benefits that I have enjoyed from Because feminist dogma can easily
the feminist movement. They seem demonize men for wanting to domi-
to miss the point that I was one of nate women—but it's much harder
those early feminists; and like many to do that if women themselves ex-
press the desire for a dominant man.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
I am interested in hearing how reading, it didn't take more than a
others feel about feminism, especial- few hours to read from cover to cov-
ly as it impacts our perceptions of er. I really wanted to like it, but it
masculinity and femininity, and didn't live up to my expectations.
intimate relationships for those of us Even the part on sex managed to be
who want a male-dominated ro- entirely unexciting.
mance or marriage. My guess is that It has some cute headings and its
most of us supported feminism up tone is more fun and light-hearted
to a point, but then there came some than Fascinating Womanhood and The
point where we said, “No, that's just Surrendered Wife, but it is so light on
going way too far.” But I imagine content that it almost makes The
that exactly where that point is var- Surrendered Wife look deep—not an
ies from person to person. I'd like to easy feat.
hear at just what point others feel If you are a disorganised, frazzled
that feminism went over the edge. Christian housewife and mother
Just where do you draw the line who has been snapping at her hus-
between “good feminism” and “bad band, bossing him about, and reject-
feminism”?261 ing him sexually for years, you
might find this book useful. The
“THE TOTAL WOMAN, BY MARABEL entire first part is about how to be-
MORGAN: A BOOK REVIEW” (1 DECEMBER come more organised, and there is a
large section on parenting too, be-
2004) cause a “Total Woman” is more than
just a good wife: she is an organised
I had been wanting to read The To-
woman, a great housekeeper and a
tal Woman, by Marabel Morgan, for
good mother, too. (But that's about
years. I had heard that it was
it, as far as I can tell.)
like Fascinating Womanhood but
Marabel Morgan's theory of “how
much more sexy. As one who guilti-
to make your marriage come alive”
ly reads books like Fascinating Wom-
is partly commonsense, part The
anhood, by Helen Andelin, and The
Stepford Wives, and partly even more
Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle, as
unwise than turning yourself into
erotic literature more than anything
a Stepford wife.
else, this sounded promising. Doyle
The commonsense is fairly obvious
and Andelin may have been silent
stuff about not trying to change your
on the subject of how extremely ex-
man, and about being positive and
citing it can be to be in an une-
effervescent and so on. For example,
qual relationship, but perhaps Mor-
a cheery smile in the morning and
gan had mentioned the unmention-
an enthusiastic welcome when your
able.
husband comes home from work
The other day, I finally got my
may make him feel good, and if he
hands on a used copy of The Total
feels good, he will be nice to you,
Woman and read it. Evidently de-
and everything will go swimmingly.
signed for housewives who are too
That is, as long as he is the kind of
busy ironing socks to waste time
man who likes that. Some people
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
prefer zero interaction until they If your husband is telling you
have had a chance to relax for half something important to him (like
an hour after they get home from what happened in the latest rugby
work. But you can see what the au- game, or about his sighting of a “ru-
thor is trying to say, even if she ra- by-throated hummingbird nectaring
ther seems to assume that everyone at the zinnias”) obviously, asking
has the same preferences. him to pass the salt, or complaining
Laura Doyle's The Surrendered about the neighbours' new garden
Wife has often been criticised as ad- furniture, is not ideal! But it doesn't
vocating that women should turn follow that you should spend large
themselves into Stepford wives, amounts of precious ironing time (or
but The Total Woman seems to me whatever you like doing) teaching
much closer to advocating that. The yourself ornithology or learning the
Surrendered Wife has many faults to rules of rugby, let alone going to a
be sure, but it doesn't assume that a rugby match every Saturday, if that
woman's only focus in life is her idea is about as appealing to you as
husband, home and children in quite ironing socks would be to me. It is
the way The Total Woman seems to. I perfectly possible to be supportive of
am all for women cherishing and a man and his interests without
focusing on their men, but Marabel changing your entire life and drop-
Morgan appears to take the view ping your own interests to do so.
that what a man wants is a woman And how many men would really
who will make him, their home and want a woman who spends so much
children her whole life. time pursuing his interests that she
Some of the author's suggestions has no time for her own? (On the
are excellent, but some seem posi- other hand, quite a few women like
tively frightening. She advises read- rugby without having any idea what
ers even to take up the same inter- the rules are. All those big strong
ests and hobbies as their husbands— men bounding about and piling into
yes, if fishing is his passion, you each other in violent scraps—er,
have to get up at 4 a.m. and go fish- scrums, I mean.)
ing with him for four hours if you Marabel Morgan advises giving
want a good marriage; if he loves your husband a lovely home-cooked
cars, you have to become knowl- dinner every day, which you pre-
edgeable about cars too; if he likes pare in the morning after the break-
rugby, you have to learn the rules fast you have cooked for the family.
and the players and read the reports And don't forget to lay the table for
of games so you can talk enthusiasti- dinner in the morning, after waving
cally to him about the latest player your husband off to work, and be-
transfer. Why? Because when a hus- fore doing all the housework neces-
band talks about something im- sary to keep your home spotless,
portant to him, some wives fail to and reading up on his interests.
engage with what their husband is And when your husband comes
saying and ask him to pass the salt. home from work, you are to greet
him at the door wearing a different
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
sexual fantasy costume every day, band and he checked it out, then we
the aim being to signal your sexual decided to incorporate Taken In
availability and adventurousness. Hand and the idea of obedience in
Now this might be a dream come our marriage relationship.
true for some husbands, but not for I have learned a lot and I am still
all. The author does not seem to learning and what I can say is that
know what Laura Doyle knows, doing this has enhanced our rela-
namely, that sometimes it is not the tionship. I am no longer the control
husband who feels sexually de- freak that I was. I used to think I had
prived, as seems to be assumed in to control everything, from my job to
this book, but the wife. In such a our marriage. You can imagine what
case, following Marabel Morgan's that was like.
advice might well add more sexual Now, well, I still have to be in con-
pressure and put the husband off trol of some things, like my position
even more. He might feel manipu- in my job, but even there I am more
lated or expected to perform on de- relaxed and easygoing. At home my
mand, and no good can come of husband and I discuss things and he
that. So if you read this book, do not listens to my input and considers my
follow the advice mindlessly. There suggestions but he makes the final
is so much that could be disastrous! decision. Obedience doesn't mean
That is my view. If you have read that a woman is a lesser person nor
the book, what do you think of it?262 does it mean she is a doormat.
Obedience has changed our mar-
“WEDDING VOWS—I PROMISED TO riage because it has changed me.
‘OBEY’” (3 DECEMBER 2004) What I mean by “change” is that
when I make the choice to obey my
We have been married for 30 years husband I feel a sense of satisfaction.
and “to obey” was in our wedding (There are times when I take a step
vows. I didn't think much about it backwards and my husband brings
then, I just took it for granted that it me back into focus and rather quick-
was part of the vows. I was 21 years ly!)
old at the time and was so deeply in Obedience is a choice, and as I see
love that I was just thrilled to be it, it is like a gift given to a marriage.
marrying the love of my life. It is entirely up to the two individu-
Knowing what I know now I wish als involved to decide what vows to
I had known what that vow really make in marriage. But if you like the
means. Our marriage was good but idea of promising to obey, I encour-
it could have been so much better if I age you to do so. It may not be pop-
had known. ular these days, and it doesn't matter
This summer I decided that I what other people think. It matters
wanted to learn about trust and what the two of you getting married
obedience it just happened that I think. Just follow your hearts.263
found the Taken In Hand site by
accident. I shared it with my hus-

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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“RELATIONSHIP AND HEALTH VERSUS also diet very carefully and work out
three or four times a week.
PRODUCTIVITY” (3 DECEMBER 2004)
Exercising does not feel very pro-
ductive to me since I was raised as a
When I first started this new kind
strong Protestant with a Calvinist
of relationship with my husband, I
work ethic. However, being the kind
began by committing to going to bed
of wife and mother that I have de-
at the same time he did every night.
cided to be requires me to take care
For most of our married life (20
of my health and be rested for my
plus years) my husband has worked
children after school and my hus-
very long hours, come home well
band at night. I am having to rethink
after dinner time, and stayed up
my upbringing and to silence the
until the wee hours working on his
voice of my mother in my head in
computer. After I had become ill
order to feel comfortable not doing
with an autoimmune disease a few
very much. I was raised in a feminist
years ago, I had started going to bed
home in a feminist culture, and be-
very early—by nine or ten at the
ing wholly about relationships ra-
latest. As a result, our sex life suf-
ther than productivity was never
fered (of course) but my husband
presented as an option.
also became even more sleep de-
Last night my husband spanked
prived since he had no one to re-
me for breaking some diet commit-
mind him to come to bed.
ments I had made to him, and af-
Several months ago, I offered to
terwards I asked him to please
stay up until eleven and make my-
ground me as well. We had never
self available to him sexually or for a
done this, but because I was suffer-
backrub every single night if he
ing from a cold and was obviously
would come to bed on time. I bought
tired, he said I had to stay home all
new nighties and it worked won-
day except for taking the children to
ders. Within a couple of weeks, I
and from school and getting a few
was finding out that my dear hus-
groceries. It was so wonderful to feel
band was even more wonderful
as if I had to stay home—that I simp-
when he's had enough sleep, he was
ly did not have permission to run
more productive at work, and our
around town doing things. Now I’m
sex life was tremendous.
considering asking him to ground
However, by losing two or three
me at least once a week!
hours of sleep at night, I was becom-
Why can’t I do this for myself? I
ing very tired, very quickly. Sleeping
don’t know—but I think most of the
late was not an option because of
women who come to this website
taking the children to school, so I
will understand that obeying a man
began to nap during the day in order
who has our best interests at heart is
to be fresh in the evening for my
easier than doing something good
husband. Fortunately, I am able to
for ourselves. I’m not sure why that
do this, but the interruption in the
is, but I am grateful that my hus-
day certainly makes for a less pro-
band is willing to give me that struc-
ductive life. Because of my illness, I
ture and security!264
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
I am curious to know in a practical
“THE SOOTHING EFFECT OF VOWING TO way what that really means. How
OBEY” (3 DECEMBER 2004) does a woman cherish her man?
Books like The Proper Care and Feed-
Almost four decades ago, my wife ing of Husbands, by Laura
shocked her peers by promising to Schlessinger, may lack real depth,
obey. Some of her more liberal they do make a valid point. I know
friends probably thought her out of of many men who would love it if
her mind. their wives would on a regular basis
At the time, equality was the rising treat them to a home cooked meal, a
social tsunami in America. Anything back massage, or a great night of
that a man could do, a man had to sex. They don't feel cherished. Dr.
believe that any woman could do Laura's simple (simplistic?) thesis is
better. After all, the law all but said that if wives did these kind of things
so! more often their husbands would be
Yet, few people realized the depth more attentive to their needs and
of her commitment or her intrinsic desires which would make for a
understanding of what was neces- happier marriage.
sary to hold a marriage together in The specifics of what the wife does
times when ”til death do us part easily for the husband matters less than the
translated into when the love fades or fact that the wife makes a regular
into when something better comes concerted effort to please him. Don't
along. take me wrong—a good marriage
Still, she later told me, she was un- takes the combined effort of both the
believably calm on her wedding husband and the wife. I do under-
day. There was equanimity that, at stand it needs to be a two way street.
the time, she could not explain even But my wife has on several occa-
to herself. Later, she would describe sions commented on how often
it as being secure in the knowledge some of her female friends bitterly
that she was marrying someone able complain about their husbands.
to take charge when he needed to do When she asks what they do for
so.265 their husbands to make them feel
cherished, they don't seem to have
“MY WIFE CHERISHES ME” (7 DECEMBER much of an answer.
This leads me to ask, do women
2004) feel it is part of their duty as a wife
to take care of their husbands? Is it
[The] boss wrote:*
just a quaint, old-fashioned notion
I am all for women cherishing and that no longer has any value in the
focusing on their men modern world? Does being taken in
hand have any effect on how a wife
treats her husband?
My wife takes very good care of
* “The Total Woman, by Marabel Mor- me. She is very good at taking care
gan: a book review,” 1 December 2004. of my needs. She does so because
411
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
she loves me and wants to be a good about. I no longer see my husband
wife. She also feels it is her duty to as the bumbling fool who does these
do these things for me. For example, inexplicable things. I no longer roll
she cooks for me almost every night, my eyes at the things he decides to
fixes my plate and brings it to me at do.
the dinner table. I have never re- I think one thing I do for him is to
quired her to do so. I have never always be available for sex now. I do
told her to get her behind in the think this is an important part of my
kitchen and fix my supper. Perhaps husband's wellbeing. I had heard
it is her traditional upbringing that old women talking about this, and I
motivates her actions. But I think she had thought it was absurd. Why
is motivated by something else, would I have sex just because he
something more meaningful. wanted to? I have learned that it
I offer this only as an example, not really makes him happy, and I have
as a road map of what a wife must found that making him happy
do. Your husband may prefer other makes me feel good too. What is
ways that you could demonstrate different now is that I consider his
your loving concern for him. I liked happiness at all. I never really put
the way Solomon in Proverbs put it: much thought into it before.
Being taken in hand has complete-
An excellent wife, who can find? ly changed the way I think about my
For her worth is far above jewels. husband and our marriage. My
The heart of her husband trusts in
whole outlook is completely differ-
her,
And he will lack no gain.266 ent. I never really considered what
he wanted, now I consider what he
might or might not like in most of
“SOME POSSIBLE BENEFITS OF TAKING
what I do. He does not ask this, but I
YOUR WIFE IN HAND” (8 DECEMBER find myself doing it anyway. It is a
2004) big change. It is the opposite of the
way we were before. Only now in-
One thing I do differently now that stead of neither of us being happy
my husband is taking me in hand is very much, we are both happy most
to give him the respect that he de- of the time. Funny how it is working
serves. This is a complete change of out that way.267
attitude for me. I used to be one of
the people in the complainer clubs. “NOW I WANT MY HUSBAND ALL THE TIME”
You know—a bunch of moms to-
gether talking badly about the bum-
(8 DECEMBER 2004)
bling fools who were their hus-
Tevemer wrote:*
bands. I think my husband would be
shocked to know some of the things I think one thing I do for [my
I shared about him in these ["bit"] husband] is to always be available
sessions. I have stopped doing this.
Not out of duty, but out of respect. * “Some possible benefits of taking
Also I feel I have little to complain your wife in hand,” 8 December 2004.
412
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
for sex now. I do think this is an deep down inside, nor did it matter.
important part of my husband's I had no direction in life and I had
wellbeing. I had heard old women no strong desires, except one that
talking about this, and I had
was crushed by poor vision. I want-
thought it was absurd. Why would
I have sex just because he wanted ed to be a pilot, but that was impos-
to? I have learned that it really sible for someone like me, who is
makes him happy, and I have found legally blind without corrective
that making him happy makes me lenses. That was my one real passion
feel good too. in life as a teen before reality took its
toll.
My own feelings about sex since After I learned of the bad news, I
becoming Taken In Hand are rather took it as a final disappointment
different. Having sex just because he from a lifetime of disappointments. I
wanted to is something I used to do allowed life to bounce me around
occasionally in the past because I until it bounced me through several
didn't want to hurt his feelings. (I bad relationships, a nearly perfect
generally found that I got in the one that should never have ended,
mood once we'd started anyway, several more bad ones, a miserable
even if I wasn't before.) marriage and a period of total aim-
One of the big differences about lessness until I began to realize that I
being Taken In Hand is that now I need to take charge of my life. For
no longer do this, because I find that that to happen, I really needed to
there is never a time any more when find out who I am and what I want.
I don't want to do it, I'm turned on Then a journey to self-realization
by him now all the time. This is ter- started, and it almost began without
rific. Having sex just because he me. It was a long process that started
wanted it is something that belongs a few years after my divorce, with
to my pre-Taken In Hand life rather an author by the name of John Nor-
than the present.268 man. Who would have thought that
the most important sequence of
“SELF-REALIZATION--THE CATAPULT” (8 events would have been sparked by
DECEMBER 2004) a pile of old dog-eared paperbacks?
Among those dusty volumes were a
I lived a life that wasn't right for few episodes of the Gor series.
me for reasons I have yet to under- Needless to say, I really enjoyed
stand. I do know that whatever reading them. At that time, though,
those reasons are, they were major my enjoyment stemmed from my
factors, probably the only meaning- bitterness and hatred toward wom-
ful factors, that caused the death of a en in general, because of several bad
marriage before it even started. I am relationships culminating with my
reasonably sure that, absent those divorce. I never dreamed that what
factors, the marriage would never was described in those books could
have taken place. even be discussed, let alone lived.
The ultimate blame for all this is Some years later a Baptist friend of
simply that I didn't know who I was mine invited me to his house for
413
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
supper. I don't remember what we they truly mean to me. I “took” her
ate, but I was fascinated by the way by “force”. I should have at
he and his wife interacted. He would least tried to “hold” her by “force”. I
occasionally tell her to do something may have been able to keep her with
and she did it with a smile. My brain me just by uttering the simple words
sizzled with a total lack of compre- “don't go”. But it's too late now and
hension and a very odd sense of I will never know how it would
pleasure as I observed them. I made have ended had I done as I should
no comment to either of them con- have.
cerning my thoughts on their behav- Shortly after I read the story and
ior, but it was really then that I the gushing flood of regrets, emo-
wished I could have a wife like she tions, and realizations that followed
was. it, I started reading the posts of a
Later on I discovered BDSM married submissive woman who
through the Internet. I enjoyed read- regularly frequents the news groups.
ing about it too, even though I never In one post she mentioned
personally considered indulging in “www.takeninhand.com” and that
that lifestyle. But my friend and his hooked me in. By that time I was
wife had something that seemed to already in the process of changing,
be missing in BDSM, and I couldn't but the writers here gave me some
quite figure it out. It seemed that excellent material to work with.269
whatever it was, BDSM came very
close, but still missed the target. “BDSM RITUALS AND RULE-BOUND RELA-
Then one day I found a story, sup- TIONSHIPS” (10 DECEMBER 2004)
posedly true, that described a teen
boy with an older woman. He was Perhaps because I am not into the
the one that initiated their first and bondage scene and have no real in-
subsequent encounters, and it was terest in specific BDSM practices, I
quite an interesting tale. But what see bondage as being a Gnostic-like
was most intriguing was his sense of practice claiming to require special
control throughout the entire narra- knowledge unavailable to non-
tion. It really struck a chord with practioners. Likewise, I have little
me. He was describing me, the way use for long lists of legalized rules
I should have been. That is when I with itemized consequences. All too
knew I had to change into the man I often the excess in rituals seem to
ought to have been all this become ends within themselves ra-
time. That is the time the relation- ther than the means to some higher
ship between my Baptist friend and end.
his wife finally made sense. Anyone who has dealt intimately
It made me realize that maybe my with a woman over time knows that,
best relationship probably didn't although not always overjoyed at
have to end. With her I was “domi- the prospects of unceremoniously
nant” and she was “submissive” losing their knickers to a thoroughly
long before I understood the im-
portance of the concepts and what
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provoked mate, women do not run Regardless of the path, domestic
from a well-deserved comeuppance. discipline comes about when cou-
So, what do women often do? Test ples realize that this needs to hap-
a man's resolve? Naturally! Refuse pen in order to release the tension
to cooperate? It happens. Protest? and restore the harmony within the
Not unheard of. Demand to inter- marriage. It is part of the je ne sais
fere? Occasionally—especially if a quoi that happens between a man
man uses his hand. Actually run? and a woman and that is beyond the
No—not if she trusts the man. Mad ability to language to easily explain.
because she got spanked? Some- Although the analysis may seem
times. Wants a divorce simply be- judgmental, I view BDSM and rule-
cause she was spanked by her hus- bound relationships in much the
band? Not that I have seen. (In di- same way as I do a speech impedi-
vorce there is something else going ment in search of fluency. It is not
on.) that BDSM is necessarily wrong or
The chains that bind are in a wom- even misguided. Some couples may
an's heart. Often there is a certain even need the formalized structure
no-nonsense tone of voice or that that BDSM provides as training
look which women respect. Although wheels for an upright relationship.
few women are explicit in their re- Yet, as with a myriad of rules and a
quirements, most expect men to take laundry list of consequences, the
charge and eventually come to des- rigid formalism seems to lack a facil-
pise the man in there lives when it ity that is not quite grasped.
does not happen. In BDSM, there is too much em-
Much like the Apostle Paul—who phasis on ceremony and not enough
received almost two hundred lash- attention is paid to substance—
es from his irate former comrades much like going to a fancy-dan res-
and, still, never condemned whip- taurant, having to deal with a pushy
ping—many women intuitively un- French waiter, only to be served a
derstand that merely preserving a leaf of cabbage floating in a bowl of
pristine backside and unflappable hot water!270
composure solves nothing when
more important things fall apart “AND ADAM KNEW HIS WIFE” (10
during the shortsighted self-serving DECEMBER 2004)
conservation effort.
To be sure, couples discover— “And Adam knew Eve, his wife”
sometimes even stumble—onto the and she bore a son.
seemingly magical transformation in That’s how it all started. It began
their relationship through a variety in a very interesting way. Ad-
of means. It might be a logical con- am knew Eve and the byproduct of
clusion or the result of sheer desper- that knowledge was a whole new
ation. Others find it through erotic being.
play. Perhaps some discover it When I was a young man, I was
through BDSM rituals. interested in “knowing” as many

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women as I could get into my bed. I have come to learn that intimacy
Baby, whatever it took, that's what I is knowing your mate, then positive-
did. I just loved to chase panties and ly responding to that knowledge.
get them off of that girl. Didn't mat- We are all different. We are all
ter what color the panties were, very complex creatures. There are no
what style, whatever—just so long two people who are the same. That
as they were panties. is what makes us so interesting. In
This “knowing” stuff was pretty addition to the permutation of the
good—it was all about studying genetic structure that forms us, our
women. Kind of reminds me of fish- personalities also embody the sum
ing, you know: learn the habitat, total of our experiences after we are
study their habits, monitor the con- born. That's who we are. And how
ditions and how they behave in wonderful it is to have that special
those conditions, throw out the someone that you are linked to—
proper bait, and WHAM, you've got someone so different from you, yet
a strike. Reel it in by keeping the line alike, too—someone you have the
taut. Not too fast or you'll lose it! rest of your life to explore, and
Gently net the lovely creature, and to know.
you've got the evening meal. Life The byproduct of this knowing is
was good. equally wonderful. It is a new crea-
But then, I got married and grew tion—the two of you.271
up to be a man.
In growing, I found that some- “TRIALS AND ERRORS - APPEASEMENT FOR
thing was missing in me. It was
ANGER” (11 DECEMBER 2004)
something that I yearned for, some-
thing that I thirsted for, something
that I desperately needed. It was I just ended what appeared to be
something I observed that solid mar- the beginning of a relationship be-
riages had, and poor marriages cause the woman made me very
missed. It was something that made angry. She nagged me about some
two become one. It was something trivial thing that I can't remember.
that linked, formed, developed and The nagging aggravated me to the
completed the couple. point that I considered terminating
Adam knew Eve. what we had then and there. But I
I finally found it. This know- reconsidered and thought I would
ing wasn’t (solely) about sex. No, it make one last effort at saving our
was so much more. The knowing budding relationship.
was intimacy. It didn't happen over- She had no say in the matter, and
night, this intimacy. It has taken this was strictly non-consensual; I
years. It has taken pain, and it has grabbed her, took her over my knee
taken risk—the risk to be open and and spanked the tar out of her. She
to be hurt. The risk to reveal who strongly objected and told me to
you really are to that special some- never do that again. I told her that
one, and to watch the reaction. as my woman she would submit to
my chosen form of punishment as I
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
deemed necessary. She then told me Men need to understand women—
I had no right to punish her for any- especially one woman. To under-
thing. I then said if that's the way stand one woman well is more help-
she felt then there is nothing to hold ful that trying to make sense out of a
us together, and then the relation- thousand women superficially.
ship ended. To comprehend a woman requires
I should have started differently. I a mental grasp on her mind as well
should have said up front how I as physically taking her in hand. To
would have handled problems with do this, a man must both be able to
her behavior. Perhaps our relation- interpret her signals as well as have
ship would have ended sooner or it some sympathy for her as a person.
may not have ended at all. Part of the understanding is that,
I am still at the “trial and error” although they may not like it when
phase of my new life. This is not an their bottom is smarting, most wom-
excuse for my actions. This is merely en do not view spanking as a rape-
a reminder of how I should have like violation of their person. Ra-
handled my new situation.272 tional women understand the differ-
ence between discipline and abuse.
“PUT WOMEN IN THEIR PLACE” (13 Unless brainwashed by politically
DECEMBER 2004) correct ideology or otherwise have
bats flapping about in the belfry,
KrosRogue's misadventure* could women do not summon the police as
have been ameliorated through ap- the result of a spanking or threat of a
plication of the PUT principle. PUT spanking. In fact, in reflection, most
is an acronym that stands for: discover it to be a positive experi-
Patience ence. Failing that, they usually are
Patience in dealing with women is willing to admit to themselves it was
both a necessity and a virtue. Wom- probably deserved.
en change their mind. (Just ask one; Timing
it is their constitutional right!) A Born of patience and understand-
young woman in love can flip-flop ing, timing is everything. There are
on the head of a pin in a nanosec- decisive moments in relationships.
ond! Windows of opportunity do not
A mistake which self-absorbed remain open forever. Women move
men commonly make is expecting on to other things.
too much too soon. Even worse, men Women attracted to men give sig-
sometimes compound the problem nals that are, in effect implicit per-
by giving too little while expecting missions. Despite attempts by the
too much. politically correct to rewrite the laws
Understanding of nature, seldom are these permis-
sions explicit. (Often it is the old no
from her lips with yes in her eyes.)
Men either act on these permissions
* “Trials and errors - appeasement for or they will eventually become des-
anger,” 11 December 2004. pised.
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Acting too soon is like picking and little bit more and he lost it. He de-
eating green fruit. It can be hard and cided to take me in hand right then
quite bitter. Waiting until it is too and there.
late has difficulties similar to eating It was sobering for me, but even
rotten fruit. Things can get messy! when he was completely angry it
Knowing when—or when not to turned out that I was safe with him.
act—is an all too well kept secret in He did not get violent; he did not go
handling women. Relationships beyond the bounds of what either of
cannot be forced. The interaction us thought was acceptable. It was
must develop at its own speed.273 the right decision. It ended with a
fairly forceful spanking, a few tears,
“IS IT A MISTAKE TO SPANK WHEN AN- lots of cuddling and great sex. I
GRY?” (14 DECEMBER 2004) think if he had waited to calm down,
it would have lost some of its effect
This seems to be a touchy subject on us. It completely cleared the air
sometimes. It is something I had not and ended a discussion that was
had a lot of experience with until threatening our relationship. I was
recently. My husband is not one to amazed. It would have been one of
get angry very easily and we have those problems that would have
found that since we have started lasted for weeks, or more the way
down the Taken In Hand road that we used to be.
he is rarely angry with me any more. The fight was awful, but I am glad
He once said that as soon as he de- we had it. It turned out to be a very
cided to act, then his anger dissipat- moving and powerful experience for
ed. It has been a nice side effect to us. It made it hit home for me how
the change in our relationship. safe I am in this relationship. If he
We had talked about it at the be- could stay the course here, we
ginning. Would he spank me when should be able to weather any storm.
he was still angry or not? We decid- For us, my husband spanking while
ed to do a wait and see. I have read he was angry was not abusive at all.
that it is dangerous and abusive for It turned out to be exactly the right
a head of the household to spank decision for him to make. I guess if
when angry. I have read this many you are the kind of person who may
times, by people I respect. It makes lose control and hurt someone then
sense on a certain level. obviously spanking when angry is
Recently my husband and I had a wrong for you. We are no longer
discussion that got a wee bit out of worried about it. It happened; and it
control. Well I think that is putting was not a big deal. We no longer
in mildly. It got a whole lot out of need to wonder what he should do.
control. I do not think I have actual- Following his instincts seems to
ly seen my husband as angry as he work for us.274
was in the 13 years since I have
known him. I was mad, and I knew
he was angry, but I pushed that one

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“CAN PHYSICAL CHASTISEMENT CURE BAD I certainly don't think you should
spank someone beyond what both of
HABITS?” (14 DECEMBER 2004)
you are comfortable with. My hus-
band very much dislikes it when he
Personally, I find all spanking erot-
occasionally causes bruises; he
ic. The more serious it feels when I
doesn't like the idea of hurting me
am being spanked, the more erotic it
excessively. Charlotte, who has been
feels afterwards. Although, since
trying to cure a bad habit through
being in a Taken In Hand relation-
physical chastisement, said that her
ship, I have found that it is possible
husband is reluctant to cause her too
to be spanked in such a way that
much pain. I think that is a good
during I only feel pain, nevertheless,
thing!275
the after-effect is arousal. Indeed, I
can't really imagine it having
a beneficial effect on me if I didn't “DON'T WAIT TOO LONG TO TELL HER” (14
ultimately find it arousing. DECEMBER 2004)
I don't really believe that you can
cure bad habits by spanking. You After my 13-year marriage came to
have to want to change the habit an end, I was determined that my
enough to do it. I honestly don't next relationship was to be different.
think that you can use spanking as I had come to realize that I was a
some kind of aversion therapy. Fear dominant male.
of punishment does not seem to me During this time I dated a number
a good reason for doing or not doing of women wondering how they
anything, especially not in my case, would react if I turned them over
since fear is an emotion that tends to my knee for a well-deserved spank-
arouse defiance rather than submis- ing. There were a few I did spank,
sion in me. I used to be afraid of my but purely for playful, erotic rea-
husband when he lost his tem- sons. (I remember being surprised
per and shouted at me, but it never by how many women enjoyed being
made me feel submissive, it just spanked) Yet, I knew I desired
made me hate him. something more than play. I knew
I try to obey my husband (with myself well enough to know that I
mixed success) because I find it sexy. wanted a relationship with a woman
Being spanked for being disobedi- who wanted her man to be domi-
ent, rude, bad-tempered or whatever nant and to lead.
doesn't actually stop me doing those For me, this was as much a matter
things again, but it makes me feel of principle as it was a desire. So not
more affectionate and loving to- long after I started dating my wife-
wards my husband and therefore to-be, I made it clear to her what I
more submissive and therefore more expected. Although I sensed from
likely to try to obey him in the fu- some of the things she said that she
ture. But I can't be cured of bad hab- wanted this kind of life too, I was
its by spanking; it just doesn't work not sure how she would react. To
that way for me. my great relief and pleasure she

419
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readily accepted my proposal. So I tleman that he takes the time to
understand how difficult it is to clearly and patiently explain to his
broach this subject in a budding new love what she can expect from
relationship. But the man who him if she acts in a way that he finds
knows that he is dominant and that unacceptable.
he expects to lead the relationship The man who understands women
must sooner rather than later make knows he must be considerate, but
clear to his new girlfriend that she he must also be able to act decisively
can expect to be spanked if she be- and with confidence. And he must,
haves in a way that he finds unac- once he has made his wishes known
ceptable. and has her consent, take his woman
Knowing exactly when to have this over his knee early and often.276
discussion is a delicate matter, one
for which there is no formula. Dur- “WHY IS BDSM SO POPULAR?” (16
ing the early stages the couple is DECEMBER 2004)
discovering whether there is a basis
on which to build a relationship.
Why is BDSM so much more pop-
This is as it should be. After all,
ular than Taken In Hand, and why is
there are a significant number of
it that some BDSM folk are so dis-
factors regarding compatibility
approving of Taken In Hand?
which must be explored.
Someone asked me in email recent-
However, it would be wrong to
ly why there are so many more web-
wait too long to have this discussion.
sites and books devoted to BDSM
It is all too easy to be swept up in the
than there are to Taken In Hand
initial romantic period where things
which has some similarities to
are new and exciting. It would be
BDSM but is in some ways closer to
unfair to the woman, who has in-
more conventional relationships.
vested her heart in a man, only to
The Taken In Hand website has only
learn that he propose something
existed for a little over a year, so not
later to which she can not give her
everyone who might be interested
consent.
has found us yet. (Do tell everyone
There is no doubt that having a
about it and mention the site when
woman’s consent, whether given
you post elsewhere on the internet!)
explicitly or implicitly, is essential.
But I think there is another reason
There is something very powerful
for the popularity of BDSM over
about knowing that a woman trusts
Taken In Hand—one that won’t nec-
you so much as to submit to your
essarily always be the case, and one
leadership and discipline.
that also sheds light on why some
Having said this, my wife and I
Taken In Hand folk find BDSM as
have not had a discussion about
distasteful as many BDSM folk find
consent since that first time. It is a
Taken In Hand (even if none of us
subject that does not need to be re-
would want to impose our own
visited every time she is about to be
preferences on others).
spanked. But when first starting out,
it is a matter of principle for a gen-
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Those in the BDSM community every taboo in the book. For a start,
have worked tirelessly to develop an whilst Taken In Hand is very much
ethos that is responsible (anti-abuse, a choice and highly consensual in a
etc.) and acceptable to more conven- deep sense, you won't find the
tional folk. This work has been very BDSM maxim safe, sane and consensu-
successful. Whilst most people are al peppered around this site. Second-
not particularly drawn to BDSM ly, this site is aimed strictly at those
themselves, they do not regard those whose preference is for a relation-
in the BDSM community as mentally ship in which the man is in control
ill (any more). To the extent that of the woman. This is because Taken
they know of its existence, most In Hand is my website, and I am
people are aware that BDSM is firm- more interested in exploring my
ly a part of the liberal tradition ra- own preferences than in toeing the
ther than a throwback to the bad old line or winning any popularity con-
days. The BDSM community has test. So Taken In Hand has been
successfully argued that BDSM is accused of being sexist, discrimina-
not a threat to the individual rights tory, old-fashioned, and atavistic. (I
we have rightly fought so hard for, it don't think it is at all.) And I have
is a sexual kink or lifestyle individu- been accused of advocating taking
als can legitimately choose. BDSM away women’s rights, and of
writers typically stress consent and avocating even non-consensual “vio-
safety, often advocating the use of lence against women”. (I'm not.)
a “safeword”when “playing” or in a Taken In Hand folk tend to have
“scene”. Some devote much space to little interest in “safewords” and
stressing that the control and domi- “scenes” (or indeed, in “the scene”
nance expressed in these “scenes” or “the lifestyle”), and unlike many
is just pretend, not real. BDSM peo- in the BDSM community, we stress
ple are proud of the fact that their that the control is real. To some, if it
forums are open to people of all in- is real, then it is by definition abuse.
clinations and orientations. Is it any wonder then that Taken In
BDSM is thus seen as a sexual Hand triggers a little social disap-
kink, safe, sane and consensual, non- probation both from society in gen-
sexist, nondiscriminatory, an equal eral and to an even greater extent
opportunities lifestyle, tolerant, inclu- from some corners of the BDSM
sive, trendy, thoroughly liberal, and community?
not having an atavistic tendency in Most people would not want to be
sight! All in all, what could possibly part of something likely to attract
upset anyone about BDSM? It meets huge disapprobation so BDSM is the
all the criteria for political correct- safe option. Moreover, success
ness. breeds success, and the more well-
By comparison, Taken In Hand has known and acceptable BDSM has
a loooooong way to go to achieve become, the more likely it has be-
the same level of acceptance from come that anyone interested in rela-
the wider community. Taken In tionships in which there is an ele-
Hand casually violates just about ment of control will investigate
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
BDSM. But not everyone involved in ment” because they have been
BDSM is at heart BDSM. I myself shunned by the BDSM community.
assumed that I must have BDSM Visit any BDSM forum and you will
inclinations many years ago, because see tedious amounts of arguing
there was nothing else out there at about protocol, who may address
the time that I knew of. This seems whom and how, who has been “in
to be a common experience of those the lifestyle” for how long (the im-
who are drawn to Taken In Hand. plication being that those who have
People try to squeeze themselves been BDSM for the longest are likely
into the BDSM shoe, but it doesn’t to know more or be more right in
always fit very well. their ideas than those who have not),
One of the reasons I often say that people castigating one another for
I hate to be put in a box or labelled incorrect form, and lots of stress on
as being BDSM, DD, D/s, TPE or how to become “a better submis-
anything else is that I think that ty- sive” and who may call himself a
ing oneself down to a particular de- “master”. With its tendency to have
fined box tends logically to exert quite rigid protocols, assumptions
pressure upon oneself to become a and fixed ideas about how people
better fit for the label instead of forg- should interact and what it's all
ing one’s own path. Often, people about, BDSM is bound to feel stifling
are very much in the process of ex- to anyone who wants to explore
ploring their nature and preferences, their own preferences and ideas in
and evolving a better understanding this sphere in an unfettered way.
of these things, and in that case, de- And because BDSM scenes must
fining themselves can impede the be “pretend” or “just fantasy” to
evolution of the self-knowledge that avoid upsetting the political apple-
could be so extremely valuable to cart, a whole rigmarole of jargon and
them in the long-run. It is much eas- artificial-seeming modes of address
ier to discover and develop your and interaction, strange clothing and
own unique preferences and ideas if equipment, and stylised rituals and
you aren't stuck in the mire of a lot scenes has developed in BDSM.
of fixed ideas. Even those who do not take the line
BDSM is very good at being inclu- that the control is just “pretend”
sive and tolerant in some respects, (such as D/s, M/s and TPE folk)
but I find it terribly rigid and fixed have been influenced greatly by the-
in other respects. Some of the most se things. These things are not really
heated criticism on this site has been the point at all, they are merely a
from BDSM people, for example, on way of stressing the consensual and
the article When rape is a gift.* In- harmless nature of BDSM. If we look
deed, individuals who consider at the idea of authority and control
themselves BDSM have started their in itself, there is nothing in those
own forum on consensual “ravish- ideas that necessarily leads to
BDSM-style forms of expression.
People of good will can have differ-
* “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004. ent preferences.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Some might like one BDSM ele- Hand for many years to come. You
ment but not others. Not all men might think that BDSM is too liberal
who want control in a relationship for Taken In Hand folk, but in my
are interested in rules and rituals or case at least, you'd be wrong.* For
making the woman beg or kneel or me, BDSM culture is too rigid and
sit on the floor or eat out of a dog's intolerant! Taken In Hand is by no
bowl. Not all men want the woman means for everyone, but if you are a
to call them sir or master or speak in person who is drawn to the idea of
the third person. Not every woman male-controlled relationships and
who wants to be under the authority you want to be free to explore your
of a man wants to be a BDSM slave, interest without rigid prescriptions
or to wear a BDSM collar, or engage and proscriptions about how to be-
in anything undignified, humiliating have and what to think, you might
or degrading, and not all such wom- find Taken In Hand worth a look.277
en want to be with a man who is into
BDSM-style sexual activities. “WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
Lots of different individuals have MEN” (17 DECEMBER 2004)
an interest in relationships in which
the man is in control. BDSM people A number of months ago my wife
might like highly planned and styl- and I had three couples over for
ised “scenes”; D/s people might dinner. They are aware that we lead
stress the idea of protocols, training a D/s lifestyle (it's no secret), but to
and service; DD people might stress them it's just about “whips and
punishment spanking; and Taken In chains”. They have never asked for
Hand people might not want to get more information, and I have never
too fixed on any one way a man can volunteered it.
control a woman. After dinner we were sitting
Another effect of the insistence of around, and one of the women start-
many in the BDSM community that ed a joke which was something
the control is just pretend, not real, is along the lines of “What women
that logically, that means that to get need to know about men”. What
the same level of intensity and erotic followed was a set of man-bashing
tension as real control can give, one liners that everyone (except my-
much more extreme practices are self and my wife) found very amus-
needed. Thus, BDSM tends to be ing.
associated with extreme sexual ac-
tivities, kinks and fetishes and (from
an outsider's point of view) peculiar * [This is an answer to a frequently-

protocols and rituals than found in asked question: this page is part of the
more conventional-seeming or tradi- FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post
tional relationships. is answering the question or discussing
the above post. The question is: Why is
Both because of its rather odd cul-
BDSM so much more popular than
ture and despite it, BDSM is and will Taken In Hand, and why is it that some
continue to be popular, and proba- BDSM folk are so disapproving of Tak-
bly a lot more popular than Taken In en In Hand?]
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
Finally at the end I said, “Well, as other types of relationships involv-
far as I'm concerned, women only ing dominance and submission is
need to know one thing about men. complete trust. I could not put my-
Women have to do as they are told.” self in this position with anyone else.
This was greeted by uproarious Only with someone I have known a
amounts of laughter, and when I long time and already trust implicit-
said “No, I'm serious”, the level of ly. Trust. That is the issue. It's al-
laughter doubled. They could not ready there. I give it away freely and
get it into their heads that I was he doesn't need to ask for permis-
speaking seriously. sion. I know he would never hurt me
Life is strange that way at times.278 although yes it does hurt to be
spanked. Sometimes quite a lot.
“TRUST IS WHAT MAKES MY RELATION- If I said ok, I no longer want you to
SHIP SO SPECIAL” (17 DECEMBER 2004) be in charge of me and our home,
and I no longer will submit to any
My husband and I had been mar- correction or spanking from you, he
ried for nineteen years when we would agree. What could he do? He
started a Taken In Hand relation- isn't going to force me into anything.
ship. It was very easy for me to dis- This way of life has been a choice on
regard any notions of safe-words both our parts—his as well as mine.
and consent at the time of each We can both choose to stop at any-
spanking. My trust for this man is so time. Do we want to go back to the
utterly complete that any of that has pre Taken In Hand days? Never!
been unnecessary. He has been so Our relationship is better than it has
gentle and thoughtful from the first ever been in the past. I am passion-
spanking. He was careful to take me ately in love with my husband and I
just far enough without taking me trust him in a new and wonderful
farther than was reasonable. way.279
How did he know? After knowing
me for over twenty years it wasn't “DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE (DD)” (18
too hard. He observes my body lan- DECEMBER 2004)
guage and my verbal language and
goes from there. It has been so easy Tevemer mentioned that she
to give him complete trust and is thinks that there is no difference
truly one of the most beautiful and between Taken In Hand and domes-
fullfilling times of my life. Once as I tic discipline (DD) but I disagree.
was laying over his lap waiting, he Louise said that she thinks that the
said, “Do you trust me?” What a only difference is that a Taken In
silly question. I of course answered Hand relationship need not neces-
that I trust him completely and be- sarily involve domestic discipline.
lieve me I wouldn't be in this posi- So what are the differences?
tion if I didn't. First, let me stress that of all the
You see, I think the difference be- different types of forums I have
tween Taken In Hand and some found so far apart from Taken In

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
Hand, I feel most in tune with DD My problem with domestic disci-
(domestic discipline) ones, such pline (DD) is partly a matter of find-
as 1domesticdiscipline. Indeed, ing some statements or definitions of
many Taken In Hand writers and it embarrassingly deluded and logi-
posters post on that and other DD cally and philosophically unsound,
lists frequently. but it is mainly a matter of having a
I really like the thoughtfulness of slightly different focus from that of
the DD community, its focus on the domestic discipline (DD) com-
deeply-intimate long-term relation- munity.
ships rather than casual sex, and the To take the second bit first, the fo-
fact that it is about improving rela- cus of Taken In Hand is on the idea
tionships rather than sex per se. I of living under the control of a
share with most DD folk a prefer- man—not because men are superior,
ence for real control over role play- or biology or the Bible dictates it, but
ing (though playing can be fun); and just because it is our (Taken In Hand
I also am with people in the domes- folks') preference. And the more in
tic discipline community in seeing control the man is, the better, as far
no need for safewords in the general as I am concerned. It is erotic. It feels
course of life—my life, anyway. right. (If anyone jumps to the con-
Finally, I also like the fact that clusion that I am saying that other
there is very little talk on most do- preferences are wrong, I will feel like
mestic discipline (DD) forums about using intemperate language in exas-
service-orientated submission, “be- peration at their wilful misunder-
coming a better submissive” or standing!)
“slave training”. Like many DD The focus of the domestic disci-
people, I do not consider myself pline (DD) community is slightly
BDSM. (Not that I have anything different. The discussions on DD
against these things—to each his forums tend to be tightly focused on
own.) I like the fact that men in the “discipline”, lists of rules and infrac-
DD community seem to take in their tions, “accountability”, “boundaries,
stride or even enjoy (rather than get limits and guidelines”, “misbehav-
angry or upset about) a little re- iour”, “consistency”, and punish-
sistance now and again. ment, and how all this allegedly
My quibbles with domestic disci- helps women's behaviour improve.
pline are just that—quibbles rather Except that it doesn't. Or at least,
than anything more damning. There there seems to be a rather worrying
is a lot of common ground between tendency for many women writing
Taken In Hand and the domestic to become ever more “naughty” and
discipline (DD) community. I hap- childish, getting ever more “disci-
pen to know that many who consid- pline”, and it looks to me as though
er themselves DD agree with me but this whole thing could be destruc-
still consider themselves DD. So tive unless the woman happens to be
please keep all this in mind when with a man who is also aroused by
you read the following comments. the idea of having a recalcitrant
child for a wife. I fear that some men
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 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
might get thoroughly sick of that. and begging for a man's authority
Here is an example of the sort of and “discipline”. The idea that the
post that troubles me. I could be woman hates “domestic discipline”
mistaken, but to me, this woman like a child hates being spanked is
sounds like a “naughty child” talk- laughable. If you want to know what
ing about being in trouble with a it means to hate being beaten, go to a
parent: battered women's refuge and talk to
a battered wife who has escaped her
I was already a little nervous that abuser. Her state of mind bears no
lost my husband's debit card because resemblance to the state of mind of a
I did not put it in my wallet like I
woman who is wholeheartedly
know I am supposed to do and he has
told me to many times before. By the choosing to be in a relationship in
time we called it in missing some- which the man is in control and ex-
body had already spent $75 on it. I presses it physically sometimes.
knew I was in big trouble then. When She wants this relationship, and
I got home he wouldn't even talk to she wants the “discipline”, painful
me cus he was so mad at me. and even scary though it may be at
the time. She would not want to be
For those who like this kind of with a man who would not do that.
thing, great! But if so then I think it The battered wife would love her
is a mistake to try to claim that what husband not to do that. Many in the
they are doing is really about behav- DD community are in denial about
iour modification. It clearly isn't. It is this, in my opinion.
how they connect erotically, that's I personally do not have a disci-
all. There is nothing wrong with pline fetish and am about as inter-
that; I just find the ostensible expla- ested in spanking as I am in knitting,
nations people give for what they and I do not fantasise about writing
are doing transparently false. lines, being made to stand in the
There seems to be quite a lot of corner, “loss of computer privileges”
self-delusion in the domestic disci- or other infantalising “punish-
pline community. As argued in these ments”. So for me personally, the
articles* and these articles,† the idea focus of DD forums on “discipline”
that domestic discipline of women is and punishment and spanking is a
just like parents spanking their chil- bit off. The only respect in which I
dren is patently false. have anyinterest in spanking is if it is
Children do not crave punishment, the way a man is expressing his con-
they hate it. You have only to look at trol, as in this article.‡ Otherwise I
any forum in the domestic discipline find the whole idea altogether bor-
community to see that it is usually ing. I am not a spanko.
the woman who is positively craving Nor am I a woman who needs dis-
cipline, “domestic” or otherwise. I
* “Why is real punishment spanking am a fully-functioning, competent,
erotic?” 22 February 2004.
† “Is this really consensual?” 27 January ‡ “Don’t forget your whip,” 27 August

2005. 2004.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
able adult whose parents were stick- more likely to be right than someone
lers for formal etiquette. I know how less strong, it just means that you
behave impeccably, and I don't need have the edge in terms of physical
a good thrashing to “teach me the control. Might does not make right,
errors of my ways”, any more than it is just more fun!
any man does (and quite possibly a The idea that knowledge can be
good deal less!). I cannot remotely imparted through the buttocks is, er,
identify with the idea that women entertaining, perhaps, but it is a veri-
are out-of-control childish creatures table can of worms epistemological-
in need of a firm hand, while men ly (that is to say, in terms of the phi-
are paragons of self-control and all losophy of knowledge). Behaviourist
other virtues in the known universe conditioning can work for animals
and quite possibly a few more be- but human beings are much more
sides. We are all human beings; we complex mentally—we have minds
all make mistakes; and I don't think and think, and knowledge is gained
it is helpful to pedastalise men in through thought, not the buttocks.
this way. (This is not to say that a good
The idea that being taken in hand thrashing has zero effect, merely that
is about women being inferior to its effects are not the simple, direct,
men, or being faulty, out of control, behaviourist conditioning effects
over-emotional, irrational and in many DD folk think they are.
need of “help” which men are See this article* for some of my
somehow not in need of just doesn't thoughts on that subject.)
add up. I am not those things but still For me, a man being in control is
I have a strong desire to be under nothing to do with the tiresome-
the authority of a man. It is not that sounding task of improving a faulty
Taken In Hand women need “help”, woman, it is about creating a vi-
it is that we have a deep desire to be brant, thrilling, deeply fulfilling rela-
under a man's control, because that tionship which remains sexually
is sexy for us, and for no other rea- fulfilling and never descends into
son. the stale platonic buddy type rela-
Men are fallible human beings too, tionship that is so common in socie-
and they make mistakes just as ty at large. For me, being under a
women do. So when I read writing man's authority is about retaining
on domestic discipline forums that our awareness of one another as
seems to imply that the man should being different from each other. It is
be in control because he is better about being aware of myself as a
than the woman or knows more, I woman, and being aware of the man
cannot associate myself with the as being a man rather than sex-
idea of domestic discipline. less/unisex. It is about being true to
In addition, the idea that “might myself as a woman with a desire to
makes right” is a huge mistake, be with a man who needs to be in
philosophically. Being bigger and
stronger does not mean you know * “Why you should not withhold

more. It does not mean that you are spanking!” 29 November 2003.
427
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
control in an intimate relationship, it alpha male and masculine power†
has nothing to do with needing article. Similarly, when DeeMarie
“help” or “discipline”. wrote about Asserting dominance
It is worth noting, though, that the physically forcefully,‡ there were
husbands in DD relationships do complaints from DD people and
appear to be loving, caring and fo- others that her article was discussing
cused on their wives rather than something other than spanking. And
being the self-serving narcissists whenever anyone posts about the
appearing to inhabit the D/s allure of feeling fear or trepida-
world—at least, if their respective tion in connection with a man, or
posts and forums are anything to go about anything remotely “extreme”,
by. DD may glorify “misbehaviour” or the idea of ownership, posses-
on the part of women (groan), but sion, obedience, or even about the
(unlike much of the D/s communi- kind of submission described in
ty) it does not glorify self-serving books like Fascinating Womanhood)
narcissism on the part of men. I like DD people complain. There is such a
the fact that Taken In Hand encour- narrowness in the domestic disci-
ages both husbands and wives to be pline community!
kind and considerate to one another, A woman once told me that the
and to take responsibility for their reason she no longer posts on DD
own actions. lists is because she found that when
Another problem I personally have she was reading DD material, her
with domestic discipline is that the own focus narrowed and she did not
heavy focus of DD forums on “dis- like that. I have noticed the same
cipline” is at the expense of all other thing. That is why I do not read
forms of expressing control. I per- much domestic discipline stuff my-
sonally would like to see a more self any more.
general focus on the idea of the Having said all that though, I
man's authority and control instead strongly disagree with criticisms I
of on punishment and in particular, have read of domestic discipline
spanking. When spanking is the saying that it is abusive, non-
focus, people seem to lose sight of consensual, unloving, irresponsible
more subtle forms of control, and and the like. It seems to me a genu-
indeed, more extreme forms of con- ine and very successful attempt to
trol. create ways of being in long-term
Some readers reacted very badly relationships that are fulfilling and
when I posted my When rape is a exciting. Moreover, my misgivings
gift* article, objecting to the fact that above notwithstanding, I think it is
(as they saw it) I was going off-topic. true that domestic discipline can (for
(?!?) The same thing happened to a those for whom it has appeal) solve
lesser extent when I posted my The
† “The alpha male and masculine pow-

er,” 13 April 2004.

‡ “Asserting dominance physically
* “When rape is a gift,” 15 March 2004. forcefully,” 21 October 2004.
428
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
problems and bring peace and har- quette is to use physical means to
mony to many relationships, for the express it. There is something about
reasons I gave here.* It is a fact that a man taking a woman in hand, us-
for those who like it (and even for ing his natural domination wisely
me!) being physically taken in hand and intelligently, and for the woman
by the man one loves can be cathar- to find security and safety in feeling
tic and soothing, it can make one feel his male strength hold her, and for
submissive, and it can be very con- action to be taken in whatever way
necting.280 has been agreed between them.
There is something about this that
“AN ETIQUETTE IN THE RELATIONSHIP” (20 enables the woman to express her
DECEMBER 2004) female strength with more certainty
in the relationship.281
My partner, Catherine, who is 35,
and I have been together six years. I “WHAT BEING TAKEN IN HAND MEANS TO
am 49. We live in the UK. I have ME” (21 DECEMBER 2004)
visited your site a few times since
discovering it in the summer, and I know that I have often wondered
have read many of the articles, and it what it was I was really craving.
is worth saying what a relief it is to Was it love? Was it control? Was it
hear intelligent voices discussing a dominance, or was it spanking? And
subject that is fraught with misun- needless it say it was all of the
derstanding. I thought I would take above, but how it was put together
the opportunity to share my own was the real key.
thoughts and our experiences with For most of my life I have been
you all. blamed, held accountable and was
I think a Taken In Hand relation- responsible for not only my own life,
ship is about expressing sexuality, but often for others' mistakes. I was
not in an old-fashioned way, but in held accountable whether it came
an honest way. It is not about bully- down to me or not. And I was a
ing, but about willing surrender nervous wreck for many years. I
leading to a wonderful release of could no longer distinguish what I
tension which allows us to be in was responsible for or where my
love. It is not about repression, but accountability ended.
about an etiquette in the relation- Now this is just a small sample of
ship, about making agreements that why being Taken In Hand is so vital,
help us to live in harmony, where so earthly important to me and why
there are no hidden gripes or it is different from DD (domestic
judgements. discipline). Yet let it be known, I do
Because a sexual relationship is want to be spanked. The feelings of
physically intimate, part of the eti- the sting are very important to me.
However, saying that, if that sting
were suddenly to be gone, my real
* “Why you should not withhold
need would still be there.
spanking!” 29 November 2003.
429
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
And what is my real need? That is sion and my trust of him. To connect
to be taken in hand. And now we me in the most powerful of ways to
have to unravel what that means for him, to his power and ultimately to
me. It means many things. I need to my sexuality. But my first order of
be able to unburden. To not always things? To have the coral only as big
be the one who is responsible. To as I want to play in. My world
have the choice of control and sub- where I am safe and happy. No
mission. To have my privileges al- longer that big bad place where I
tered so my wellbeing, something I was tentative and nervous.
cannot do for myself, is put in place My dream came true, and while I
so I am happy. I need a chance to didn't really know what that dream
reflect, not constantly shoot from the was. The words that ring true to me:
hip. I need to have accountability, to I was taken in hand. And such love
be able to share a fear, a worry or those hands hold.282
just thoughts on how something was
handled, or solved. Always my “THE SUBMISSIVE ALPHA FEMALE” (21
choice, but now I have backup. DECEMBER 2004)
Someone who cares. Someone who
is strong enough for both of us. And The submissive alpha female is a
I am plenty strong. But his power woman who is strong, confident,
and unassuming strength gives me bold, and assertive in her life and
the ability to relax. To be able to her dealings with people in gen-
submit to his will when that alone eral—but who wants a dominant
gives me the security to sleep well at man in her life because she finds it
night. He is dominant. Our situation sexually exciting to be dominated by
is domestic. So yes, we fit into that a strong, powerful man. She might
category. But my needs, my deep or might not be in a position of au-
cravings and needs are really about thority at work; but she has a per-
being watched, cared for and having sonality and a level of competence
walls of limits to create that safe such that she could be in such a po-
place I need, want and desire. sition and command respect.
No longer is it considered “safe” I think this is just one of those
for me to take on what isn't mine. things where people have different
My rope goes as far as my comfort language preferences. Some people
allows. And I alone created that here seem to prefer the term “domi-
scope that I need. He only enforces nant” or “high-dominance wom-
and holds the end that keeps me an” to describe a very similar thing,
where I told him I wanted to be. and I seem to recall that The
That's what it means to me to be Boss once even suggested* the ab-
taken in hand. breviation “Dd”—to suggest that
Now if we want to talk about the
tactile side of things, we can discuss
spanking and how that feels and
what it means. Yes for me it is a sure * “Who says you have to be submis-

fire way to drop me into my submis- sive?” 15 July 2004.

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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
even though the woman is domi- dominating anyone, not even non-
nant, her man is more dominant. sexually.
But I have an allergy to using the Hmmmm. Well, OK, that may not
word “dominant” to describe a be entirely true. Because I always
woman (and especially myself), enjoyed beating the boys in math;
much like many women here seem and I do enjoy winning a good de-
to be a little uncomfortable using the bate. But once again, I don't really
word “submissive”. So while I think of that as domination because
would say that an “alpha submis- it's not physical. I don't use the word
sive” woman (or a “submissive al- “dominate” to describe intellectual
pha female”) is assertive and even endeavors. But apparently other
aggressive when the situation de- people sometimes consider such
mands it, I would not say that she is behavior dominating or even domi-
dominant. To me, the word “domi- neering.
nance” connotes power over others I always thought it would be fun
(or another)—whereas by the “al- to beat my man in an intense intel-
pha” prefix I meant more a pow- lectual argument, and then have him
er from within that does not really get physical about it, and show me
seek to dominate others but often who's really the boss, and why. Sad-
ends up being in charge anyway. ly, however, that does not seem to
I guess, really, I don't much like be the response of most males when
the word “dominate” used in any they find a female beating them in
context other than the sexual one of math or logic or etc. Instead, they
male dominance and female submis- seem to conclude that she enjoys
sion. (Or maybe sports like boxing dominating men, and so they either
and wrestling, and also war—any lose interest because of their woun-
activity that implies actual physical ded egos (if they're dominant) or
conquest of an opponent.) While I else they start groveling and put her
have been in positions of authority up on a pedestal (if they're submis-
at work, I usually don't view it as a sive).
conflict where I'm trying to get con- Where, oh where, is the man who
trol over another person. And I was understands that a woman who
never that way in sports, either, alt- whips his butt in an intellectual ar-
hough I did martial arts for a few gument might just be looking to get
years and loved it. hers whipped by his strong, manly
So I tend to think of myself as a hands?283
woman who is not submissive ex-
cept sexually (that is, in a romantic “THE IMPORTANCE OF CONQUEST” (21
relationship); and also as someone DECEMBER 2004)
who is not really dominant in any
context or circumstance. That is, I When I describe myself as “sub-
might find myself in positions where missive” I mean something rather
I need to exert some authority and I specific: I mean that I really enjoy
can do that; but I have never enjoyed being conquered by a strong, mascu-

431
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
line, dominant man, and be- So “submissive” to me has more to
ing forced to surrender to him. But I do with how submissive I feel, and
don't just submit to a man if he is not so much to do with how readily
not able and willing to actually con- I obey a man's commands. That lat-
quer me. I don't even quite know ter criterion is what I might call
what that would mean. “obedient” and I suppose I'm not
I find it hard to relate at all to the really very obedient at all; unless the
idea of submission without con- man brings that out as well.
quest. If the man is just going to sit So I guess maybe the order that
there like a lump of jello and not things go in for me is: Tension/cha-
actively dominate me, then why in llenge/resistance —> his physical
the world would I submit to him? I force —> his conquest —> my sur-
might as well “submit” to the sofa. render —> my submission —> my
That doesn't mean that I would obedience. (But, of course, sex also
always put up active physical re- fits in there somewhere too; at least
sistance to the man's authority; it sometimes.)
just means that he has to be willing Notice that in this Taken In Hand
to use his strength on a regular basis model of submission, the man is the
to physically reinforce and empha- one doing most of the work. Attain-
size his dominance over me. I do ing conquest over a spirited wom-
enjoy play fighting, and if I didn't an is not an effortless thing. Whereas
get “conquered” at least a few times in another common view (I'll call it
a week, then I'd start to wonder just the “Lazy Boy” version of submis-
who this guy thinks he is, trying to sion), all the man has to do is just
boss me around. Without some say what he wants and then the
forceful physical conquest, I would woman does all the work of “serv-
just resent him giving me any or- ing” him and catering to his whims;
ders. and that's considered “submission”.
The forceful conquest is what Umm, no thanks.284
moves me into surrender and bliss.
There's that sweet moment when my “IS CHASTITY OVERRATED?” (22
challenge and my resistance sudden-
ly crumbles under the erotic thrill
DECEMBER 2004)
of fear and being overpowered; wh-
Chastity is probably the very last
ere I suddenly become incredibly
thing I would recommend to some-
weak and melt in a puddle of sub-
one who is seeking to find a compat-
missive desire. I guess maybe that's
ible mate. Within marriage,
what swooning is. If so, it's a won-
one essential area of compatibility is
derful thing. :)
sexual compatibility. And I don't see
But I couldn't begin to figure out
any way for two people to deter-
how to melt into a puddle on my
mine if they are sexually compatible
own. Nor would it be any fun, of
unless they have sex, and lots of it.
course. That wouldn't be the same
Preferably they will do
thing at all. The man has to learn
that before marriage, so they don't
how to make me do that.
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 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
end up legally entangled with my boyfriend and I could have some
someone they find they do cannot privacy, and she would pay for our
have good sex with. hotel room when we went off on
But then, I would not just advocate vacations. She made sure that I was
having sex with a potential husband well educated about sex; and also
or wife; I would also recommend that I had the pill, as soon as I start-
that both men and women spend ed being sexually active. (At first, we
some time sowing their wild oats used condoms and foam; but my
before settling down. Because unless mom took me to the doctor as soon
one experiments with different sex- as I brought it up.)
ual partners, one cannot really get a This was in the “free love” era, be-
good idea of the kinds of sex that are fore AIDS, and so pregnancy was
enjoyable or objectionable. If you the only major worry. Chastity was
only ever know one sexual partner, not considered much of a virtue
then you have no way of knowing among the folks I knew. And it was
how they might compare to another a mystery to me why anyone would
one. (Which, I believe, is one motiva- think that virginity was a good
tion for pushing chastity—men don't thing, because first-time sex was
want their wives to know their, um, painful and difficult; it only got bet-
shortcomings in comparison to other ter after the virginity was gone. Of
men.) all the men I've been intimate with,
All this business about how “cher- I've never met even one who would
ished” virginity is in a wife strikes have preferred a virgin.
me as sanctimonious hoohah. A vir- My high school romance was
gin bride is an ignorant bride. She sweet, deep, intense, and idealistic,
has no idea how to bring pleasure to but ultimately short-lived. He was
her mate, or even what she herself not the man for me, in the long run;
might enjoy. And if the man is a nor was anyone else I ever met quite
virgin, too, that just doubles the right, either. But that did not stop
trouble. In that case, it's going to be me from meeting men that I liked
the blind leading the blind, and it and lusted after; as well as men that
could be a long time before they I loved and spent a few years with,
begin to learn how to have really and kept as best friends for decades.
great sex. And even when they do, But no matter whether it was an
there will always be the nagging exclusive relationship or a one-night
knowledge that they have no other stand, the wonderful thing was
experiences to compare it to: is it learning about sex itself, all the glo-
possible their marital sex life is woe- rious ways that a man and a woman
fully inadequate, compared to the could relate at that most intimate
kind of sex they might have had level. And as I learned, I became
with someone else? They will never better at loving men; and it was also
know. obvious to me that men who had
I came of age in the 1970s, and my more sexual experiences were also
mother was very liberal with regard better lovers.
to sex. She would leave the house so
433
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
I suppose from some biblical view, transmission. (And since the female-
other people would think there to-male transmission rate is so low, a
should be some shame involved in woman is pretty safe if she's sleep-
casual sex, or at least some regret, ing only with straight men, and al-
some twinge of guilt. But that was ways uses condoms.) Still, my love
never the case for me. The whole life slowed way down as I became
idea that sex was somehow sinful or much more careful. Even my friends
shameful just seemed absurd to me. who have open polyamorous rela-
It made no sense at all to me that tionships have learned to be more
such a deeply sacred experience careful about who does what with
should be regarded as dirty or im- whom and how.
pure. (As Ayn Randonce said, when Now, I can't help but feel sorry for
I ran into people with that view- people who grew up in the age of
point, it made me think AIDS, and who never had a chance
that theywere the ones who were to know the joyous, heady, liberat-
tainted, not me.) Sex was one thing ing days of sexual freedom that fol-
in life that seemed purely good, and lowed the 1960s. Nowadays, while
that was that. most people don't wait for marriage
That does not mean that I was in order to have sex, most of them
completely fulfilled in my sexual still seem to feel that you have to be
relationships, though; because I al- in a committed relationship in order
ways had this deep submissive long- to enjoy sex. For me, that would
ing that never seemed to get com- have been much too stifling when I
pletely met. But even plain ordinary was young. Sex itself was a holy rite,
sex was a holy thing to me. There and it could not be bound by “com-
was just the sheer wonderfulness of mitment”. Now that I'm older, it's
a man's flesh, the smell and the feel not such a bad thing to live with; but
of it, that made me realize the good- for a young person to have such
ness of Nature itself. I only wish that tight restrictions on their love life
I had been better able to understand seems sad to me. I can only hope
and articulate my own needs for that they will have a large number of
sexual submission when I was such “committed relationships” be-
younger; perhaps I would have been fore they get themselves tangled up
motivated to find more dominant in marriage.
men to relate to. Anyway, that's the view on chasti-
However, the glorious “free love” ty from where I sit. I just never had
years came to an end in the 80s, with any use for it at all, and probably
the discovery of AIDS and the new never will. I can see being in an ex-
emphasis on safe sex. Now I'm all clusive romantic relationship, of
for safe sex, even if I don't always course. But I see no point in abstain-
like the actual mechanics what that ing from sex just because one does
means in practice. But it certainly not happen to be in such a relation-
does not need to mean abstinence; ship. I would strongly advise safe
condoms and spermicidal foam are sexual practices, of course; but no
very effective at preventing HIV activity in life is entirely risk-free,
434
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
including sex. There are ways to be It’s an understandable reaction
safe and still explore the wonders of given the emphasis placed on things
sexuality. like domestic violence and women’s
I would not insist that everyone equality. It’s a prevalent opinion that
else should share my views in favor if a man hits a woman and they’re
of wild passions, erotic liberation not involved in any obvious sort
and sexual exploration; but neither of BDSM then he’s abusing her. It’s
do I feel others are justified in imply- also a prevalent opinion that a
ing that we should all share their woman shouldn’t answer to her
bible-based views that extol the “vir- (male) partner in their relationship
tues” of chastity, either. If that's the and that to do so is somehow being
view from within their specific reli- wimpy and letting the side down.
gion, fine. But let's try to remember But without knowing the more inti-
that there are plenty of other reli- mate details of a relationship, it’s
gions around that would disagree on very easy to draw completely inac-
the value of chastity; as well as athe- curate conclusions, and people seem
ists and agnostics, too. Not everyone to quick to think the worst of some-
is going to regard chastity as good one—possibly because the actual
and virginity as a “treasure”. Some truth is inconceivable to them.
of us regard both of those as unfor- And in this day and age, it does
tunate nuisances, and we happen to seem inconceivable to some people
regard sex itself as the sacred and that a woman would want her man
priceless treasure.285 to be in charge. Yet clearly many of
us do. We want to feel
“THE DANCE OF CONSENT” (22 DECEMBER his control and know it as an exten-
2004) sion of his love for us. We want him
to take us in hand and know that is
Wanting your husband to take you one of the ways he shows he cares.
in hand, maybe to spank you if you We follow his lead, but we don’t
get out of line, to take control of the expect to be treated as mindless au-
relationship, is not a fashionable tomatons, but rather as a valued
way to want to live in this day and participant in the relationship.
age. It seems to imply to those on the Yes, we give him our consent to do
outside that the woman is deemed what he likes—even to spank us if at
inferior to the man, that she has no the time he decides to, we definitely
say in things, that she has to do eve- don’t wish to be spanked. Consen-
rything he says or else, and that sual non-consent is a simple enough
she’s obviously just been lucky so idea, but to the unwary it could lead
far that he’s not asked—no, told— to a very nasty can of worms being
her to do something she really opened. Which is why a sensible
doesn’t want to do. And at that degree of caution is needed. The
point it’s all too easy to point the type of relationships discussed on
finger at the man and cry “Abuser!” this site seem to me to be more suit-
ed to long term relationships where
both partners are prepared to invest
435
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
some time and effort in simply get- little rituals that mean so much to
ting to know each other and gradu- you and all the little irritants that
ally scaling things up. However really get on your nerves but—if
much you want it, however much anyone mentioned either you’d be
you know he wants it, it can be a surprised because until they’re
very scary moment when you say to brought to your attention you’re
your partner “I want you to be in unaware of them. Consent becomes
charge.” But if you have some more than just the woman saying to
knowledge of each other than you the man he’s in charge—it becomes a
can give what seems like blanket complex dance with each reacting
consent to him and still know you're and adapting to the other’s reac-
going to be safe. If both partners are tions.286
reasonable adults, if there is a mutu-
al bond of trust, then any hiccups “WOMEN NEED TO KNOW WHEN NOT TO
and problems are more likely to be DO AS THEY'RE TOLD!” (23 DECEMBER
talked about than ignored. If not,
then whatever style of relationship
2004)
you’re in, there's going to be prob-
It is very important indeed to
lems. know when not to do what you are
There is potential for problems—
told.
someone desperate to explore her
For instance what if you want to
submissive nature may get taken in
be taken in hand? If you always did
by a would-be abuser. But then
what you were told you would nev-
again, so might someone desperate
er get to feel that lovely just been
to lose their virginity. Taking risks is
spanked feeling. What if it has been
dangerous, but life is often about
so long since you have felt his con-
taking risks—the trick is in minimis-
trol that you are getting that sort of
ing them. Getting to know someone
lost feeling? (Depending on the per-
as a person before you embark on
son this could be an hour, day
any sort of longer term relationship
month, year or whatever.) You know
is a sensible precaution.
the feeling I’m talking about. Of
The real effort in maintaining this
course this is only true if you are a
type of relationship—or any, I sus-
woman and you like to be taken in
pect—is hard to describe. It's more
hand. If you are not and/or you do
mundane than what is and isn't al-
not, do not read any further.
lowed, what has and hasn’t been
Timing is important when choos-
discussed. It’s about all the little
ing your moment to not do what
things—noticing how your partner
you are told. If you choose your
reacts well to certain things and with
moment carelessly you could end up
repulsion and fear to others, and
getting a little more taken in hand
altering course accordingly. It’s
than you want. When he says,
about all the odd little chats and
“Come here for a kiss,” with a lovely
comments that somehow all con-
smile on his face, that may be a good
tribute to the framework but are so
time to try defiance. With your best
hard to pinpoint. It’s about all the
436
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
playful look in your eye say, with What I do not need is a fairly blis-
your sweetest of sweet voices, some- tered backside very often. So I play
thing like, “Make me!” (You could with him. I taunt his manliness. I
also try telling him where he could push his resolve. If we do it for fun,
kiss you, but I do not advise it, too then he can show me that yes he will
risky….Not that I have ever tried it play ball if push comes to shove.
or anything.) Any self respecting That little cave woman is satisfied:
Taken in Hand kind of guy will she knows that if he will fight for
know what you need when you say control in a fun way, then he will do
that. Then you just need to decide it in a big way if necessary. It is all
how much you are going to fight subconscious. The cave woman
him for that kiss he wants. Well you works under the radar; my intellec-
want it too, but sometimes there is tual self knows better than to play
just something better about it when with fire…Let sleeping lions lie and
it is taken from you! Is he willing to all that. The sneaky cave woman
fight you for it? How will he go likes giving my husband a little test
about getting it from you? every now and then—and the sex
If you are like me, you are hoping this kind of electricity allows us to
he will bite the bait and find a way have!
to get you to kiss him—some nice, I find his control in our Taken in
strong, manly, wilful way of getting Hand relationship very erotic. So
that kiss. Nothing serious of course, why should we have to wait for the
but serious enough to let you know serious moments that do not come
that he gets what he wants when he very often to feel that power? If we
wants it. Feeling his control and waited I am sure that the number of
getting a kiss, what could be better? serious taken in hand incidences
I know, I know, some of you will would climb for us. That cavewom-
complain that it is awfully close to an gets louder and louder the longer
the dreaded “b” word. It is a very we go between taken in hand mo-
unpopular word in some quarters. ments. Who needs a seriously blis-
But there is no doubt about it, I find tered backside when you can have a
that if I can feel his control and kiss you wanted anyway? I am lucky
power in fun situations often, then my husband loves to show me he is
we do not have very many serious willing to use this control on a regu-
taken in hand moments. It is like I lar basis so we have no conflict here,
have a kind of amnesia when it well, no conflict that we do not
comes to being taken in hand. (May- want. He would fight me as much as
be some things are better off forgot- I am willing to struggle to the get the
ten?!) Intellectually I know he is in kiss he wants, he will fight until I
control. But there is a cave woman surrender the kiss to him.
inside of me who starts to get doubts So as far as I am concerned know-
if I have not had some real, physical ing your man is knowing exactly
taken in hand experience in a while. when not to do what you are told!287
I need him to prove his toughness,
his strength of will, his resolve.
437
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
“COMMUNICATION, CONSENT AND CON- The first thing I noticed about the
pattern of Taken In Hand is that it
NECTION” (24 DECEMBER 2004)
very often grows from what was
originally a loving and close rela-
Many of the arguments and fears
tionship in which the two partici-
about Taken In Hand in general
pants have lost, or never really had,
seem to be based on the assumption
the skills of true communication,
that, when a woman enters such a
and have begun to drift apart as a
relationship, she gives up the person
result. Along with the verbal com-
she really is and becomes the person
munication skills there is often a lack
someone else wants her to be. This
of ability to watch and read each
in turn opens her up and makes her
other's behaviour patterns and to
vulnerable to the whims and ego of
avoid the frustration that arises
a controller who might misuse that
when behaviorial indicators are ig-
power in an abusive and destructive
nored as something not important,
way.
or are simply not recognised.
I am not by any means saying that
Through the development of vigi-
this never happens in what was in-
lance and mutual awareness, taking
tended to be a Taken In Hand rela-
her in hand seizes these negatives,
tionship. Certainly misjudgements
and turns them around into some-
are made and people who are not
thing that can be used to improve
suited in temperament to this kind
both communication, and subse-
of life are put in a position of control
quently, connection in the relation-
or submission that they can't handle,
ship.
but this hardly unique to a Taken In
The second most common basis for
Hand situation and it happens fre-
a Taken In Hand relationship seems
quently in other relationships also.
to be a situation where both partners
For 28 years, I lived in just such a
know exactly what it is they want
conventional relationship with a
and need from the relationship be-
man who, apart from a bit of push-
fore they enter into it. Either way, if
ing and shoving very occasionally in
the decision to enter into a Taken In
the early days of our marriage, never
Hand relationship isn't completely
laid a finger on me in anger, but
consensual at least in general princi-
who was nevertheless an expert in
ple, then it isn't the real thing.
the art of verbally making me feel
Once it is agreed that Taken In
two feet tall and stupid with it, and I
Hand is the way a couple wants to
know from talking to others that I
go, the whole thing become much
was by no means unique in this ex-
more individualistic and unique to
perience. Interestingly, it was not
the couples concerned.
until I got online and began to read
To begin with, some couples may
about the underlying features of
want and need only a little control—
what for me constitutes a “true” DD
perhaps just to provide a support
relationship that I realised that I had
mechanism for things like health
the right and the power not to be
and safety or relationship issues.
treated in this way.
Control outside of these specific
438
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
areas may naturally assert itself over
time, leading to a more thoroughly “AN IRON HAND IN A VELVET GLOVE” (25
Taken In Hand relationship, or it DECEMBER 2004)
might not.
In other relationships, there may My husband and I have a Taken In
be a certain flexibility and carte Hand relationship in which he is
blanche for the man in deciding pre- head of the household. He is a for-
cisely when and how to correct and mer military commander, easily
control the woman. Or there may be capable of doing a lot of harm to
a situation where both partners want myself or anyone else being well
to effect a complete change of at- over 6' tall. But there is a fine line
mosphere and direction in their rela- between the wuss, as some put it,
tionship, and once they have togeth- and the brute.
er decided exactly what it is that I regularly beat my husband at
they want to achieve, one partner board games, analytical thinking
will give up the driving seat com- and other intellectual pursuits. Hav-
pletely. ing a post grad degree and an IQ
To my mind, so long as each ar- well over 140, it's a given. We both
rangement works for the couple are leaders in our industry and I run
concerned, and is based on a loving a company of my own, albeit not a
regard for each other and for the Fortune 500 one, I founded a suc-
relationship as a whole, and so long cessful business 4 years ago. Both of
as there is always room for change us are Alpha types and I am regular-
arising from the vital skills of talking ly dominant over other women I
and listening, no harm is likely to encounter... and more than a few
come to either of the participants or men.
to their partnership. Submission is an individual thing.
The idea that genuine Taken In I run the finances in our home (each
Hand relationships are about hand- to their talents), my husband still
ing all the power over to one per- has final say on matters but defers to
son to the detriment of the other is my suggestions when they are clear-
false. What is actually happening is ly well considered and/or in the
power exchange. That is to say, the best interest of our family as we
man can only take from the woman have several children.
the amount of control that she is I would laugh if he asked me on
prepared to give up. Thus, she has the sofa to get a beer, but if I hear a
as much control over the situation as certain tone or word, I will get that
does he. It isn't about one gender beer right away. The mood comes
being better or more able than the and it goes, but we have agreed up-
other, but about recognising and on tones and words that indicate
openly embracing our different roles when not to trifle with him. And I
as men and woman and using them must admit, that does it for me and
to complement our relationships in a it makes the power arrangement
way that brings the two different very neat and clean. If he told me to
elements together as one whole.288
439
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
wash the socks, and pulled my silver being. Not just any person can do
chain while doing it, he'd have a pile that, which means I must be selec-
of nice warm fluffy socks in an hour! tive. To be available for the right
For some, that means physical one, I must reject many. The one I
conquest, but don't forget the deep- select may also reject me, which is a
er, more sinister and erotically pow- valid part of the process, since desir-
erful psychological form of domi- ability must be mutual.
nance and submission. Once you At one time, I regarded rejection as
have established that, you can trust a put-down. OK, so perhaps it is. It
more on the physical. stung quite a bit when a potential
We did not start with physical and love interest didn't reciprocate to the
rarely use it. Iron hand, velvet glove, degree I wished. It even made me
see. It is safe and less tiresome for doubt my self-worth. It took me
the man to figure out your thresh- quite a long time to realize that rejec-
olds and maintenance level. I am tion is a necessary tool in my search,
high maintenance in that, but the a good thing, and that I need to ac-
word or look is enough to keep it up cept it as such, since it is very help-
most of the time. I am not being very ful in my search for the woman I
good at my role being submissive if want.
my husband must work too hard at If I am rejected, that is not an occa-
it all the time to keep up his end of sion for a bruised ego. Rather, it
the bargain—the sexy devil! ;-) means that there is something
When you first know someone and wrong with us, and that we are not
don't have the benefit of 10 or 20 meant for each other. “Try again” is
years together, see if you can estab- not the same thing as failure. It
lish that mental/emotional/psycho- simply means that one combination
ogical link of dominance first. Then didn't mix properly.
it's safe to move on to bigger and I used to try to be so careful to give
perhaps spankier (is that a word?) just the “right impression” to the
things....289 woman I wanted to attract. I now
understand that the “right impres-
“GIVE THE RIGHT IMPRESSION?” (26 sion” is wrong for me. The “right
DECEMBER 2004) impression” will attract the wrong
woman. I should be myself and un-
Many of us who are single spend a abashedly so. That way, acceptance
lot of time and money in activities or rejection will happen much more
we hope will expose us to greater quickly. Anything that fetters that
opportunities to connect with a po- process is a waste of effort. Putting
tential life-long companion. For me, on airs and pretending to be some-
that companion must be one who is thing I am not definitely hampers
compatible with my quirky, some- me.290
times dull, sometimes explosive per-
sonality. She is the one who will fill “FEAR” (27 DECEMBER 2004)
the aching gap in the core of my
It's fear:
440
 COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004
fear of being swallowed up by passion Except for a woman's repentance,
fear of letting go application of the switch is relatively
fear of being human silent. Moreover, it is safe to apply to
fear of life. buttocks because, rapidly applied
fear. with flicks of the wrist, it affects only
That's why the surface of the skin rather than
they cry the underlying muscular structure—
“Don't do this! as might be disturbed by a heavy
it's bad.” paddle or belt. Thus, it is safe for
sad.291 pregnant women.
For the truly recalcitrant but dis-
“VIRTUES OF THE LOWLY SWITCH” (28 robed woman, whipping the thighs
DECEMBER 2004) is also more likely to make her cry in
repentance. When combined, total
Although it has not become an is- nudity and the switch are particular-
sue on the Taken In Hand website, it ly effective because they intensify a
might be time to offer a suggestion woman's sense of vulnerability
for those times when a woman without causing her appreciable
needs to be taken in hand when she harm. Regardless of provocation, the
is pregnant or there are children in switch need not be applied viciously
the house. At such times—as well as to be thoroughly effective!
when a woman is truly badly be- The proof of the pudding, so to
haved—I recommend reliance on the speak, is in how the woman's atti-
lowly switch. tude changes over time. Women
Stripped of leaves and sharp knots, who have seriously been taken in
a straight twig about eighteen inches hand have a very different attitude
long and having the diameter of a from those who froward and for-
common wooden pencil can be re- ward women who have not been
markably effective. Although hum- taken in hand for the purpose of
ble in appearance, a switch in a disciplining.292
man's hand is the one instrument
that women universally under- “I WAS DRAWN TO HIS OLD-FASHIONED
stand—even if they have never ex-
WAYS” (29 DECEMBER 2004)
perienced its application personally.
The most shrewish women either I'm new to this group and still
know or strongly suspect that, over not sure if there is an introduce
time, a switch will straighten her yourself thread, so I'll jump right in.
out—especially if her husband ap- I come from a female dominated
plies it briskly to the back of her home and didn't realize that I didn't
thighs as well as her buttocks! Even truly respect my father. I married a
when applied to her bare bottom, European man 12 yrs older than I
the switch has a high pitch sting that am and loved his old-fashioned
no amount of tightening of the but- courtly ways. Before the wedding he
tocks can lessen. told me he would be taking a firm

441
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013
hand in our marriage but having a
father who never stood his ground I “WHY DID IT TAKE US 20 YEARS?” (31
really couldn't picture what that DECEMBER 2004)
would be like. On our honeymoon I
was more than happy to let him take I wonder why it took us so long to
charge of the money, order for me in get to this place? We were married
restaurants and decide what our for almost 20 years before we started
daily activities would be. living in a Taken In Hand way. I
Then one afternoon I stepped over asked my husband why he didn't
the line. He refused to buy me a pair take me over his knee the first year
of shoes I wanted and I walked off we were married. He said I would
alone into downtown Athens. He have run home crying to my mom-
caught up with me, marched me my if he had. It's true! Besides he
back to the hotel room, lifted up my was raised to be patient and certain-
skirt and paddled my behind like ly never to hit a woman so I don't
there was no tomorrow. I was in know if it ever even occured to him.
pain, humiliated, angry—but I felt We get along so much better now
respect for him as I had felt for no and our sex life is so much better
other man, certainly not my father. than it used to be. I would like to go
After I had composed myself he to every newly married couple and
hugged me and told me never to shout out the glories of a Taken In
argue with him in public again. Of Hand relationship. But as Louise
course, we made love to make up. says, this is not everyone's fantasy
I felt more loved and more secure life.
than I ever had in my father's home. It has always been mine, and I fi-
I had a man who cared. I admired nally got up the gumption to tell my
his self-respect. Our family, with husband. He tried it and was no
him as the undisputed head was dummy to see that a well spanked
“right”. I've also learned over the wife is happier, sweeter, more obe-
years that once my husband has dient, and most importantly, very
spanked me and gotten his anger sexually turned-on all the time. He
out of his system that the incident says he will never go back and I
that provoked him is over and done don't doubt it. I certainly never want
with. He doesn't have to simmer for to go back!294
days and soothe his male pride.
It's great to be here.293

442
COLLECTED ARTICLES 2003-2004

443
 NOTES

1 See: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130115003118/http://www.tak-
eninhand.com/>
2 See: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150104144406/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/glossary>
3 “Quotations: A,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20141002102717/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.a>
[Accessed October 2, 2014].
4 “Quotations: B,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20130128093428/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.b>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
5 “Quotations: C,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive-

.org/web/20130128093231/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.c>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
6 “Quotations: D,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive-

.org/web/20130128093145/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.d>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
7 “Quotations: E,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20130128093601/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.e>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
8 “Quotations: F,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20130128093243/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.f>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
9 “Quotations: G,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive-

.org/web/20130128093417/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.g>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
10 “Quotations: H,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093405/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.h>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
11 “Quotations: I,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20130128093254/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.i>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
12 “Quotations: J,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archive.-

org/web/20130128093538/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.j>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
13 “Quotations:K,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093220/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.k>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
14 “Quotations: K,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093305/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.l>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].

444
 NOTES

15 “Quotations: M,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093352/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.m
> [Accessed January 28, 2013].
16 “Quotations: N,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093208/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.n>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
17 “Quotations: O,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093550/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.o>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
18 “Quotations: P,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093109/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.p>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
19 “Quotations: Q,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093527/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.q>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
20 “Quotations: R,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093330/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.r>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
21 “Quotations: S,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093451/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.s>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
22 “Quotations: T,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093514/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.t>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
23 “Quotations: U,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093121/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.u>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
24 “Quotations: V,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093503/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.v>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
25 “Quotations: W,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093318/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.w
> [Accessed January 28, 2013].
26 “Quotations: X,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093341/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.x>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
27 “Quotations: Y,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: <https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093439/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.y>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].
28 “Quotations: Z,” Taken in Hand, n.d. Available at: < https://web.archiv-

e.org/web/20130128093132/http://www.takeninhand.com/quotations.z>
[Accessed January 28, 2013].

445
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

29 “What is a Taken In Hand relationship?” Taken in Hand, 22 September

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054038/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/what.is.a.taken.in.hand.relationship>
30 “Why is the Taken In Hand dynamic so powerful?” Taken in Hand, 22

September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012802-

4541/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.is.the.taken.in.hand.dynamic.so.
powerful>
31 “Is a Taken In Hand woman a downtrodden doormat yes-woman?”

Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org-

/web/20130128093007/http://www.takeninhand.com/is.a.taken.in.hand.
woman.a.downtrodden.doormat.yes-woman>
32 “How can I determine whether my new girlfriend might be open to

Taken In Hand?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128065039/http://www.takeninhand.com
/how.can.i.determine.whether.my.new.girlfriend.might.be.open.to.taken.in
.hand>
33 “How can I determine whether my new man might be open to Taken In

Hand?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.arch-

ive.org/web/20130128092915/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.can.i.d
etermine.whether.my.new.man.might.be.open.to.taken.in.hand>
34 “How do I find a woman who will want a Taken In Hand relation-

ship?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.arch-

ive.org/web/20130128065844/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.do.i.fin
d.a.woman.who.will.want.a.taken.in.hand.relationship>
35 “How do I find a take-charge man who will want a Taken In Hand rela-

tionship?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.a-

rchive.org/web/20130128054232/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.do.i
.find.a.take-charge.man.who.will.want.a.taken.in.hand.relationship>
36 “How do we get started?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051800/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/how.do.we.get.started>
37 “Is Taken In Hand about discipline?” Taken In Hand, 22 September 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053932/http://w-

ww.takeninhand.com/is.taken.in.hand.about.discipline>
38 “Is Taken In Hand about dominance and submission?” Taken in Hand,

22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128-

075647/http://www.takeninhand.com/is.taken.in.hand.about.dominance.
and.submission>
39 “Why does Taken In Hand make spouses more attracted to each other?”

Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/-

web/20130128052625/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.does.taken.in.h
and.make.spouses.more.attracted.to.each.other>

446
 NOTES

40 “What if the man makes a mistake?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128081334/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/what.if.the.man.makes.a.mistake>
41 “Does the husband have to be perfect?” Taken in Hand, 22 September

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128070858/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/does.the.husband.have.to.be.perfect>
42 “Is this infantilising for the woman?” Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128100004/http://w-

ww.takeninhand.com/is.this.infantilising.for.the.woman>
43 “Why do some women want this kind of relationship?” Taken in Hand,

22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301-

28054623/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.do.some.women.want.this.
kind.of.relationship>
44 “Is Taken In Hand a political matter?” Taken in Hand, 22 September

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128084714/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/is.taken.in.hand.a.political.matter>
45 “How do I know whether Taken In Hand is right for me?” Taken in

Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20-

130128024434/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.do.i.know.whether.tak
en.in.hand.is.right.for.me>
46 “Why are Taken In Hand relationships so intimate and connected?”

Taken in Hand, 22 September 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/-

web/20130128055531/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.are.taken.in.ha
nd.relationships.so.intimate.and.connected>
47 “Is a Taken In Hand relationship for everyone? ” Taken in Hand, 22 Sep-

tember 2003. Avalable at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804272-

5/http://www.takeninhand.com/is.a.taken.in.hand.relationship.for.every
one>
48 “What you need to know about Taken In Hand,” Taken in Hand, 23 Sep-

tember 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804272-

5/http://www.takeninhand.com/is.a.taken.in.hand.relationship.for.every
one>
49 “Laying the groundwork for other possibilities,” Taken in Hand, 23 Sep-

tember 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805490-

9/http://www.takeninhand.com/laying.the.groundwork.for.other.possibil
ities>
50 “What if she isn't interested in this?” Taken in Hand, 26 September 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128075606/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/what.if.she.is.not.interested.in.this>
51 “Where are all the strong men?” Taken in Hand, 26 September 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031031/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/where.are.all.the.strong.men>

447
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

52 “To let go,” Taken in Hand, 28 September 2003. Available at: <https:/-

/web.archive.org/web/20130128065117/http://www.takeninhand.com/t
o.let.go>
53 “Tradition, feminism, Victoria and Albert,” Taken in Hand, 30 Septem-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030347/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/tradition.feminism.victoria.and.albert>
54 “Don't go into your cave, get out your preferred implement!” Taken in

Hand, 1 October 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013-

0128030905/http://www.takeninhand.com/dont.go.into.your.cave.get.out.
your.preferred.implement>
55 “White hot intensity and boundless joy,” Taken in Hand, 2 October

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128050846/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/white.hot.intensity.and.boundless.joy>
56 “Quiet authority,” Taken in Hand, 3 October 2003. Available at:
<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030618/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/quiet.authority>
57 “Finding a good man,” Taken in Hand, 4 October 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128070043/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/finding.a.good.man>
58 “The night that changed our marriage for ever,” Taken in Hand, 5 Oc-

tober 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280238-

15/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.night.that.changed.our.marriage.for
.ever>
59 “Total obedience?” Taken in Hand, 6 October 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128031502/http://www.takeninhand.com
/total.obedience>
60 “Dominant to the last,” Taken in Hand, 7 October 2003. Available at: <ht-

tps://web.archive.org/web/20130128064711/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/dominant.to.the.last>
61 “A need for control,” Taken in Hand, 8 October 2003. Available at: <htt-

ps://web.archive.org/web/20130128054449/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/a.need.for.control>
62 “The sweetest ‘Benevolent Dictatorship’ ever,” Taken in Hand, 9 October

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051356/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/the.sweetest.benevolent.dictatorship.ever>
63 “Ms. Damen [should be] taken in hand (I jest!),” Taken in Hand, 10 Octo-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042921/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/ms.damen.should.be.taken.in.hand.i.jest>
64 “Creating an unbreakable bond of love takes time,” Taken in Hand, 10

October 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804-

5152/http://www.takeninhand.com/creating.an.unbreakable.bond.of.love
.takes.time>

448
 NOTES

65 “Taken In Hand in a nutshell,” Taken in Hand, 12 October 2003. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130116135624/http://www.take-

ninhand.com/taken.in.hand.in.a.nutshell>
66 “Reaching out by offering yourself,” Taken in Hand, 12 October 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128052255/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/reaching.out.by.offering.yourself>
67 “Is this a victory?” Taken in Hand, 13 October 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128051430/http://www.takeninhand.com
/is.this.a.victory>
68 “When I'm in overdrive...” Taken in Hand, 14 October 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042603/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/when.im.in.overdrive>
69 “The Taming of the Shrew,” Taken in Hand, 15 October 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030833/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/the.taming.of.the.shrew>
70 “The dual failures of men,” Taken in Hand, 16 October 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030606/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/the.dual.failures.of.men>
71 “American Beauty meets The Surrendered Wife,” Taken in Hand, 16 Oc-

tober 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

31305/http://www.takeninhand.com/american.beauty.meets.the.surrende
red.wife>
72 “The Path,” Taken in Hand, 17 October 2003. Available at: <https://w-

eb.archive.org/web/20130128042858/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.p
ath>
73 “My Fascinating Journey,” Taken in Hand, 18 October 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054545/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/my.fascinating.journey>
74 “I'm so Lucky to have Found The Right Man,” Taken in Hand, 19 Octo-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053802/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/im.so.lucky.to.have.found.the.right.man>
75 “Is He Who (or Where) He says He is?” Taken in Hand, 20 October 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054635/http://w-

ww.takeninhand.com/is.he.who.he.says.he.is>
76 “Why Men Start and Why they Stop,” Taken in Hand, 22 October 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064957/http://w-

ww.takeninhand.com/why.men.start.and.why.they.stop>
77 “Letter to a Potential Partner,” Taken in Hand, 24 October 2003. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065645/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/letter.to.a.potential.partner>
78 “In Praise of Fascinating Womanhood,” Taken in Hand, 25 October 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031157/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/in.praise.of.fascinating.womanhood>

449
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

79 “How to Break it to a New Man,” Taken in Hand, 26 October 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102027/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/how.to.break.it.to.a.new.man>
80 “Obedience and Autonomy,” Taken in Hand, 27 October 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051728/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/obedience.and.autonomy>
81 “What Happens when he Makes a Mistake?” Taken in Hand, 28 October

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128045054/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/what.happens.when.he.makes.a.mistake>
82 “My Perfect Guy, and the Marriage he has Given Me,” Taken in Hand, 29

October 2003. Availabl eat: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804512-

9/http://www.takeninhand.com/my.perfect.guy.and.the.marriage.he.has.
given.me>
83 “The Impossibility of Installing a Spine in a Pansy,” Taken in Hand, 29

October 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030-

915/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.impossibility.of.installing.a.spine.i
n.a.pansy>
84 “How Sleeping Beauty found Her Prince,” Taken in Hand, 1 November

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042542/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/how.sleeping.beauty.found.her.prince>
85 “Blanket Consent,” Taken in Hand, 4 November 2003. Available at: <htt-

ps://web.archive.org/web/20130128045043/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/blanket.consent>
86 “Throw Out the Rules!” Taken in Hand, 5 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053157/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/throw.out.the.rules>
87 “Safewords,” Taken in Hand, 6 November 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128052146/http://www.takeninhand.com
/safewords>
88 “Obedience,” Taken in Hand, 8 November 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128030937/http://www.takeninhand.com
/obedience>
89 “First Year Trials,” Taken in Hand, 10 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128061225/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/first.year.trials>
90 “Blush and Gary, by Gary,” Taken in Hand, 11 November 2003. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128052233/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/blush.and.gary.by.gary>
91 “How we got past the year from hell,” Taken in Hand, 12 November

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064613/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/how.we.got.past.the.year.from.hell>

450
 NOTES

92 “Romantic Rituals for the Taken in Hand,” Taken in Hand, 13 November

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054427/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/romantic.rituals.for.the.taken.in.hand>
93 “It's like this, Beloved: I Need to be Spanked,” Taken in Hand, 15 No-

vember 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012810160-

3/http://www.takeninhand.com/its.like.this.beloved.i.need.to.be.spanked
>
94 “The changes show! What should I tell people?!” Taken in Hand, 17 No-

vember 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012806553-

6/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.changes.show.what.should.i.tell.peo
ple>
95 “Surrendered in love,” Taken in Hand, 19 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053446/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/surrendered.in.love>
96 “Liberated through Submission,” Taken in Hand, 20 November 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102356/http://w-

ww.takeninhand.com/liberated.through.submission>
97 “Why a man might be reluctant and what to do about it,” Taken in Hand,

21 November 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128-

064347/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.a.man.might.be.reluctant.and.
what.to.do.about.it>
98 “Hands-on approach,” Taken in Hand, 22 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128024406/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/hands.on.approach>
99 “No more waiting!” Taken in Hand, 23 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051631/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/no.more.waiting>
100 “Why you shouldn't mention the 'M' word,” Taken in Hand, 24 Novem-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012803524-

9/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.you.shouldnt.mention.the.m.word>
101 “Being taken in hand is hot!” Taken in Hand, 25 November 2003. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128045204/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/being.taken.in.hand.is.hot>
102 “I fear I have awoken a sleeping dragon,” Taken in Hand, 26 November

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128070055/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/i.fear.i.have.awoken.a.sleeping.dragon>
103 “Each to his own,” Taken in Hand, 27 November 2003. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102431/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/each.to.his.own>
104 “Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?!” Taken in Hand, 28

November 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012801-

3940/http://www.takeninhand.com/who.needs.forbidden.fruit.when.you.
have.this>

451
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

105 “Why you should not withhold spanking!” Taken in Hand, 29 Novem-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012802195-

1/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.you.should.not.withhold.spanking
>
106 “How I feel before, during and after being spanked,” Taken in Hand, 1

December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301281-

02103/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.i.feel.before.during.and.after.b
eing.spanked>
107 “I want it all, and I want it now!” Taken in Hand, 3 December 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128020041/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/i.want.it.all.and.i.want.it.now>
108 “Feeling the dragon's fire,” Taken in Hand, 4 December 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102003/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/feeling.the.dragons.fire>
109 “What do you mean, you want to be taken in hand?!” Taken in Hand, 9

December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128-

031147/http://www.takeninhand.com/what.do.you.mean.you.want.to.be.
taken.in.hand>
110 “How it felt to be taken in hand for the very first time,” Taken in Hand,

10 December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128-

051248/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.it.felt.to.be.taken.in.hand.for.t
he.very.first.time>
111 “Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?” Tak-

en in Hand, 12 December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org-

/web/20130128030746/http://www.takeninhand.com/is.your.new.man.d
ominant.domineering.or.a.dithering.wimp>
112 “Why does being taken in hand work?” Taken in Hand, 13 December

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128092141/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/why.does.being.taken.in.hand.work>
113 “How can you submit when you feel <i>frustrated</i>?” Taken in

Hand, 14 December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20-

130128101840/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.can.you.submit.when.y
ou.feel.frustrated>
114 “No helpless hysterical heroines here!” Taken in Hand, 15 December

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128101626/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/no.helpless.hysterical.heroines.here>
115 “The difference between dominant and controlling,” Taken in Hand, 16

December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201605-

26124250/http://www.takeninhand.com:80/the.difference.between.domin
ant.and.controlling>
116 “I want... to be possessed,” Taken in Hand, 17 December 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128052417/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/i.want.to.be.possessed>

452
 NOTES

117 “Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told,” Taken in Hand, 17

December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

70442/http://www.takeninhand.com/dealing.with.a.man.who.doesnt.do.
as.hes.told>
118 “What easy-to-say word gives every lover pleasure?” Taken in Hand, 18

December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012803-

1325/http://www.takeninhand.com/what.easy.to.say.word.gives.every.lo
ver.pleasure>
119 “Spanking is the last resort,” Taken in Hand, 18 December 2003. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20121020062613/http://www.take-

ninhand.com/spanking.is.the.last.resort>
120 “How I met my husband, and how that impacted my life,” Taken in

Hand, 19 December 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201-

30128052157/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.i.met.my.husband.and.h
ow.that.impacted.my.life>
121 “Why being taken in hand helps,” Taken in Hand, 20 December 2003.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065708/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/why.being.taken.in.hand.helps>
122 “Do you have a commanding presence?” Taken in Hand, 21 December

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130116150750/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/do.you.have.a.commanding.presence>
123 “Making it explicit versus keeping it implicit,” Taken in Hand, 22 De-

cember 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012807-

0454/http://www.takeninhand.com/making.it.explicit.versus.keeping.it.i
mplicit>
124 “I want...” Taken in Hand, 23 December 2003. Available at: <https://w-

eb.archive.org/web/20130128052110/http://www.takeninhand.com/i.wa
nt>
125 “Safe,” Taken in Hand, 24 December 2003. Avsailable at: <https://we-

b.archive.org/web/20130128065427/http://www.takeninhand.com/safe>
126 “A love letter,” Taken in Hand, 27 December 2003. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128055432/http://www.takeninhand.com
/a.love.letter>
127 “Give new love a chance,” Taken in Hand, 28 December 2003. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042834/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/give.new.love.a.chance>
128 “How I turned the fantasy into reality,” Taken in Hand, 29 December

2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054026/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/how.i.turned.the.fantasy.into.reality>
129 “The healing power of taking her in hand,” Taken in Hand, 31 Decem-

ber 2003. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031315/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/the.healing.power.of.taking.her.in.hand>

453
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

130 “Is there consent?” Taken in Hand, 1 January 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065155/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/is.there.consent>
131 “She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!” Taken in Hand, 2

January 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804-

2552/http://www.takeninhand.com/she.wants.to.be.taken.in.hand.against
.her.will>
132 “I don't want to be a servant or slave,” Taken in Hand, 3 January 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128092751/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/i.dont.want.to.be.a.servant.or.slave>
133 “The appeal of a very feminine woman,” Taken in Hand, 7 January 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20121129054504/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.appeal.of.a.very.feminine.woman>
134 “The paradox of the strong and submissive woman,” Taken in Hand, 8

January 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013062902263-

8/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.paradox.of.the.strong.and.submissiv
e.woman>
135 “What's in it for the man? Freedom!” Taken in Hand, 10 January 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031336/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/whats.in.it.for.the.man.freedom>
136 “Journey into true submission,” Taken in Hand, 12 January 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128094238/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/journey.into.true.submission>
137 “Out of control, insane, driven by our emotions? No way!” Taken in

Hand, 13 January 2004. Availabl e at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013-

0128013954/http://www.takeninhand.com/out.of.control.insane.driven.by
.our.emotions.no.way>
138 “A new journey,” Taken in Hand, 14 January 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064846/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/a.new.journey>
139 “Happily married to a dominant man,” Taken in Hand, 15 January 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128101729/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/happily.married.to.a.dominant.man>
140 “Resolving an internal conflict,” Taken in Hand, 16 January 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053433/http://www.ta-

keninhand.com/resolving.an.internal.conflict>
141 “Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!” Taken in Hand, 19

January 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012807-

0403/http://www.takeninhand.com/help.the.one.i.love.nowadays.rarely.
wants.sex>
142 “The exquisite pleasure of childlikeness in a woman,” Taken in Hand, 21

January 2004. Availabl at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805-

454
 NOTES

1834/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.exquisite.pleasure.of.childlikenes
s.in.a.woman>
143 “What the woman gets out of it,” Taken in Hand, 23 January 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030925/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/what.the.woman.gets.out.of.it>
144 “Spanking as connection,” Taken in Hand, 25 January 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20121020082101/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/spanking.as.connection>
145 “The Eskimo analogy,” Taken in Hand, 26 January 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128044926/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/the.eskimo.analogy>
146 “Secretary: the film,” Taken in Hand, 29 January 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128055055/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/secretary.the.film>
147 “What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?” Taken in Hand,

1 February 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012807-

0340/http://www.takeninhand.com/what.kind.of.site.is.this>
148 “What does the man get out of it? Many things!” Taken in Hand, 3 Feb-

ruary 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805-

3134/http://www.takeninhand.com/what.does.the.man.get.out.of.it.many
.things>
149 “Do you think he doesn't have it in him?” Taken in Hand, 4 February

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031042/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/do.you.think.he.doesnt.have.it.in.him>
150 “Ever-deepening total love,” Taken in Hand, 5 February 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128050909/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/ever.deepening.total.love>
151 “About Schmidt: choose engagement, not withdrawal,” Taken in Hand,

5 February 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805-

1033/http://www.takeninhand.com/about.schmidt.choose.engagement.n
ot.withdrawal>
152 “The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle: a critique,” Taken in Hand, 9

February 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

45117/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.surrendered.wife.by.laura.doyle
.a.critique>
153 “The coming battle,” Taken in Hand, 11 February 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042759/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/the.coming.battle>
154 “Does it have to hurt to be Taken In Hand?” Taken in Hand, 12 Febru-

ary 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012803124-

1/http://www.takeninhand.com/does.it.have.to.hurt.to.be.taken.in.hand>
155 “Each relationship is a unique work in progress,” Taken in Hand, 13

February 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065-

455
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

330/http://www.takeninhand.com/each.relationship.is.a.unique.work.in.
progress>
156 “What I get out of it,” Taken in Hand, 15 February 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054807/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/what.i.get.out.of.it>
157 “Change of heart,” Taken in Hand, 17 February 2004. Available at: <htt-

ps://web.archive.org/web/20130128054208/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/change.of.heart>
158 “It's not about blame, so forget fairness!” Taken in Hand, 18 February

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065731/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/its.not.about.blame.so.forget.fairness>
159 “Offering an olive branch,” Taken in Hand, 18 February 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051259/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/offering.an.olive.branch>
160 “Is he one of the good guys... or not?” Taken in Hand, 20 February 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128055344/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/is.he.one.of.the.good.guys.or.not>
161 “Don't tell me to leave my baggage at the door,” Taken in Hand, 21 Feb-

ruary 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012810185-

3/http://www.takeninhand.com/dont.tell.me.to.leave.my.baggage.at.the.
door>
162 “Why is real punishment spanking erotic?” Taken in Hand, 22 February

2004. AVailable at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20170722215307/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com:80/why.is.real.punishment.spanking.erotic>
163 “A breakdown on the road to intimacy” Taken in Hand, 22 February

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051923/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/a.breakdown.on.the.road.to.intimacy>
164 “My deep dark secret,” Taken in Hand, 27 February 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128055005/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/my.deep.dark.secret>
165 “The paradox of the master and the queen,” Taken in Hand, 28 February

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128013853/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/the.paradox.of.the.master.and.the.queen>
166 “Never do without sex again,” Taken in Hand, 28 February 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030543/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/never.do.without.sex.again>
167 “Looking into the mirror of life,” Taken in Hand, 28 February 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051620/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/looking.into.the.mirror.of.life>
168 “Sharing the secret of our success,” Taken in Hand, 1 March 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20121020084704/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/sharing.the.secret.of.our.success>

456
 NOTES

169 “The anchor of love,” Taken in Hand, 3 March 2004. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128044952/http://www.takeninhand.com
/the.anchor.of.love>
170 “The difference between dominant and domineering,” Taken in Hand, 6

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012803-

0948/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.difference.between.dominant.and
.domineering>
171 “Don't tell anyone I'm here!” Taken in Hand, 12 March 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042847/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/dont.tell.anyone.im.here>
172 “Subjugation or submission?” Taken in Hand, 13 March 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20091230235130/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/subjugation.or.submission>
173 “The joy of the master-queen dynamic,” Taken in Hand, 13 March 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128065559/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.joy.of.the.master.queen.dynamic>
174 “The face, the mask, and the dream,” Taken in Hand, 14 March 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051055/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.face.the.mask.and.the.dream>
175 “When rape is a gift,” Taken in Hand, 15 March 2004. Available at: <htt-

ps://web.archive.org/web/20130116133927/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/when.rape.is.a.gift>
176 “From vague awareness to a beautiful relationship,” Taken in Hand, 18

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804-

3141/http://www.takeninhand.com/from.vague.awareness.to.a.beautiful.
relationship>
177 “Does being taken in hand mean not saying what you think?” Taken in

Hand, 20 March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301-

28052709/http://www.takeninhand.com/does.being.taken.in.hand.mean.
not.saying.what.you.think>
178 “Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close,” Taken in Hand, 22

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805532-

3/http://www.takeninhand.com/taken.in.hand.relationships.are.hot.and.c
lose>
179 “The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship,” Taken in Hand, 25

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805411-

2/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.dynamics.of.our.taken.in.hand.relati
onship>
180 “Moving into a Taken In Hand relationship,” Taken in Hand, 26 March

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054123/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/moving.into.a.taken.in.hand.relationship>

457
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

181 “Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be,” Taken in Hand, 27 March 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051311/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/equality.isnt.all.its.cracked.up.to.be>
182 “What Taken In Hand has done for our marriage,” Taken in Hand, 28

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042-

823/http://www.takeninhand.com/what.taken.in.hand.has.done.for.our.
marriage>
183 “The F-word,” Taken in Hand, 28 March 2004. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128052033/http://www.takeninhand.com
/the.f.word>
184 “He who dares, wins,” Taken in Hand, 28 March 2004. Available at: <ht-

tps://web.archive.org/web/20130128030854/http://www.takeninhand.co
m/he.who.dares.wins>
185 “The nature and effects of consensual non-consent,” Taken in Hand, 29

March 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013093019-

0438/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.nature.and.effects.of.consensual.n
on.consent>
186 “An 1897 woman's ‘ideal of manhood’,” Taken in Hand, 30 March 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030458/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/an.1897.womans.ideal.of.manhood>
187 “How I became submissive,” Taken in Hand, 1 April 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128100028/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/how.i.became.submissive>
188 “Surrendering to the man I nearly destroyed,” Taken in Hand, 3 April

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053716/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/surrendering.to.the.man.i.nearly.destroyed>
189 “Why Taken In Hand isn't actually unfair,” Taken in Hand, 5 April

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030400/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/why.taken.in.hand.isnt.actually.unfair>
190 “How can I be sure that she wants to be taken in hand?” Taken in Hand,

6 April 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012805-

4756/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.can.i.be.sure.that.she.wants.to.b
e.taken.in.hand>
191 “Taken In Hand saved our marriage from doom,” Taken in Hand, 9

April 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280306-

33/http://www.takeninhand.com/taken.in.hand.saved.our.marriage.from.
doom>
192 “To be taken,” Taken in Hand, 16 April 2004. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20130128053022/http://www.takeninhand.com
/to.be.taken>
193 “Are you under misapprehensions about Taken In Hand?” Taken in

Hand, 18 April 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301-

458
 NOTES

28061214/http://www.takeninhand.com/are.you.under.misapprehensions
.about.taken.in.hand>
194 “The hazards of self-sacrifice and impossible standards,” Taken in

Hand, 20 April 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130-

128030709/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.hazards.of.self.sacrifice.and.
impossible.standards>
195 “Actions speak louder than words,” Taken in Hand, 21 April 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128050921/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/actions.speak.louder.than.words>
196 “Chemistry is indispensable,” Taken in Hand, 21 April 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128022102/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/chemistry.is.indispensable>
197 “The alpha male and masculine power,” Taken in Hand, 23 April 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130116133626/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.alpha.male.and.masculine.power>
198 “Consensual rape as a gift of control,” Taken in Hand, 26 April 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20121018125110/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/submission.and.security>
199 “Submission and security,” Taken in Hand, 1 May 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20121018125110/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/submission.and.security>
200 “Authority in a Taken In Hand relationship,” Taken in Hand, 5 May

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064549/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/authority.in.a.taken.in.hand.relationship>
201 “The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance,” Taken in Hand, 7 May 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128031230/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.sexuality.of.non.sexual.dominance>
202 “Taken In Hand by an ardent feminist,” Taken in Hand, 11 May 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128043046/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/taken.in.hand.by.an.ardent.feminist>
203 “The worm turns (a little late, but better late than never!),” Taken in

Hand, 22 June 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301-

28013928/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.worm.turns.a.little.late.but.b
etter.late.than.never>
204 “Timeshare taming,” Taken in Hand, 25 june 2004. Available at:
<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128070019/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/timeshare.taming>
205 “Who says you have to be submissive?” Taken in Hand, 15 July 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030335/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/who.says.you.have.to.be.submissive>
206 “There is no knight in shining armour,” Taken in Hand, 9 August 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054343/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/there.is.no.knight.in.shining.armour>

459
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

207 “How Taken In Hand exorcised my inner demon,” Taken in Hand, 11

August 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

55107/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.taken.in.hand.exorcised.my.in
ner.demon>
208 “Three different experiences of rape,” Taken in Hand, 13 August 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054843/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/three.different.experiences.of.rape>
209 “Knights earn the name,” Taken in Hand, 18 August 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030532/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/knights.earn.the.name>
210 “I am a man looking for the one. How does Taken In Hand apply in

the dating phase?” Taken in Hand, 24 August 2004. Available at: <https:/-
/web.archive.org/web/20130128022201/http://www.takeninhand.com/i.
am.a.man.looking.for.the.one.how.does.taken.in.hand.apply.in.the.dating.p
hase>
211 “Learning the ropes,” Taken in Hand, 25 August 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064921/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/learning.the.ropes>
212 “Decades of discipline, decades of happy marriage,” Taken in Hand, 26

August 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012810255-

8/http://www.takeninhand.com/decades.of.discipline.decades.of.happy.
marriage>
213 “Don't forget your whip,” Taken in Hand, 27 August 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053705/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/dont.forget.your.whip>
214 “Wanting a masterful man,” Taken in Hand, 29 August 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030447/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/wanting.a.masterful.man>
215 “Empowering dominance,” Taken in Hand, 31 August 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128095952/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/empowering.dominance>
216 “Why would a women want to be spanked?” Taken in Hand, 3 Septem-

ber 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280309-

59/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.would.a.women.want.to.be.spank
ed>
217 “Craving protection, learning to trust,” Taken in Hand, 5 September

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102345/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/craving.protection.learning.to.trust>
218 “Understanding,” Taken in Hand, 6 September 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128070252/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/understanding>
219 “Women want men who are more dominant,” Taken in Hand, 9 Sep-

tember 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

460
 NOTES

30646/http://www.takeninhand.com/women.want.men.who.are.more.do
minant>
220 “Accommodating needs can't be done by the book,” Taken in Hand, 10

September 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280-

64822/http://www.takeninhand.com/accommodating.needs.cant.be.done.
by.the.book>
221 “Communication,” Taken in Hand, 15 September 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20141102065537/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/communication>
222 “A relationship of equals,” Taken in Hand, 19 September 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102258/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/a.relationship.of.equals>
223 “The resistant woman,” Taken in Hand, 20 September 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140306042149/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/the.resistant.woman>
224 “Human alpha, beta, and omega males: the reality,” Taken in Hand, 25

September 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140929-

091647/http://www.takeninhand.com/human.alpha.beta.and.omega.male
s.the.reality>
225 “Changing for myself,” Taken in Hand, 26 September 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20141114202636/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/changing.for.myself>
226 “What women don't want,” Taken in Hand, 28 September 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130728070222/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/what.women.dont.want>
227 “Brought to submission,” Taken in Hand, 30 September 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140308052857/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/brought.to.submission>
228 “Strength and ceding control,” Taken in Hand, 7 October 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130803065232/http://www.ta-

keninhand.com/strength.and.ceding.control>
229 “In defence of brats everywhere!” Taken in Hand, 11 October 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150126052941/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/in.defence.of.brats.everywhere>
230 “Taking her in hand is not a contact sport,” Taken in Hand, 12 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141115111601/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/taking.her.in.hand.is.not.a.contact.sport>
231 “Alpha male dominance,” Taken in Hand, 17 October 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030521/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/alpha.male.dominance>
232 “What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not,” Taken in Hand, 18 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130706221926/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/what.taken.in.hand.is.and.what.it.is.not>

461
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

233 “Seduction of the independent female,” Taken in Hand, 19 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150112022123/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/seduction.of.the.independent.female>
234 “How my husband took my clothing choices in hand,” Taken in Hand,

19 October 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2014111-

5111335/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.my.husband.took.my.clothin
g.choices.in.hand>
235 “Dominance, integrity and needing to feel superior,” Taken in Hand, 19

October 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201504230-

14035/http://www.takeninhand.com/dominance.integrity.and.needing.to.
feel.superior>
236 “Our new beginning,” Taken in Hand, 20 October 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128052058/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/our.new.beginning>
237 “Dominance and forcefulness, and violence,” Taken in Hand, 20 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102115/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/dominance.and.forcefulness.and.violence>
238 “Asserting dominance physically forcefully,” Taken in Hand, 21 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141031234456/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/asserting.dominance.physically.forcefully>
239 “Force of will,” Taken in Hand, 22 October 2004.. Availabe at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030554/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/force.of.will>
240 “Can two dominant individuals have a good relationship?” Taken in

Hand, 22 October 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013-

1211020417/http://www.takeninhand.com/can.two.dominant.individuals.
have.a.good.relationship>
241 “Which comes first? Dominance or submission?” Taken in Hand, 23 Oc-

tober 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140324203-

535/http://www.takeninhand.com/which.comes.first.dominance.or.subm
ission>
242 “Happy living in fear of a man?!” Taken in Hand, 25 October 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141017014405/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/happy.living.in.fear.of.a.man>
243 “The erotic power of the unshackled man,” Taken in Hand, 30 October

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141115111617/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/the.erotic.power.of.the.unshackled.man>
244 “Embracing my inner adult,” Taken in Hand, 30 October 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102150/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/embracing.my.inner.adult>
245 “Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle,” Taken in Hand, 30 October 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140903073133/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/taken.in.hand.is.not.a.lifestyle>

462
 NOTES

246 “He owns it all...” Taken in Hand, 3 November 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20140429195053/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/he.owns.it.all>
247 “Ownership as bonding,” Taken in Hand, 3 November 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140713001223/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/ownership.as.bonding>
248 “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” Taken in Hand, 6 November 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128030510/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/beauty.is.in.the.eye.of.the.beholder>
249 “What works for us,” Taken in Hand, 6 November 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128092428/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/what.works.for.us>
250 “Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?” Taken in Hand, 7

November 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2015032500-

0512/http://www.takeninhand.com/why.would.anyone.want.to.be.contro
lled.by.a.man>
251 “Monogamy,” Taken in Hand, 11 November 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053920/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/monogamy>
252 “Beauty is skin deep; sexy is forever,” Taken in Hand, 12 November

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128075722/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/beauty.is.skin.deep.sexy.is.forever>
253 “Have you captured her mind?” Taken in Hand, 14 November 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130919004258/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/have.you.captured.her.mind>
254 “How can a strong woman signal her submissiveness?” Taken in Hand,

14 November 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150-

104012937/http://www.takeninhand.com/how.can.a.strong.woman.signal
.her.submissiveness>
255 “Mistakes made in forming relationships,” Taken in Hand, 17 Novem-

ber 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053739/-

http://www.takeninhand.com/mistakes.made.in.forming.relationships>
256 “Look for love,” Taken in Hand, 18 November 2004. Available at: <http-

s://web.archive.org/web/20140425041631/http://www.takeninhand.com
/look.for.love>
257 “Quietly taken in hand,” Taken in Hand, 20 November 2004. Available

at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051044/http://www.takenin-
hand.com/quietly.taken.in.hand>
258 “Love and fear,” Taken in Hand, 24 November 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130617022514/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/love.and.fear>

463
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

259 “My marriage is a safe haven,” Taken in Hand, 25 November 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130929115852/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/my.marriage.is.a.safe.haven>
260 “A reality check for critics,” Taken in Hand, 27 November 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140903073552/http://www.ta-

keninhand.com/a.reality.check.for.critics>
261 “Has feminism gone too far?” Taken in Hand, 27 November 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150501232006/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/has.feminism.gone.too.far>
262 “The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan: a book review,” Taken in

Hand, 1 December 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20-

130807092927/http://www.takeninhand.com/the.total.woman.by.marabel
.morgan.a.book.review>
263 “Wedding vows—I promised to ‘obey’,” Taken in Hand, 3 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20150125063931/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/wedding.vows.i.promised.to.obey>
264 “Relationship and health versus productivity,” Taken in Hand, 3 De-

cember 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012804251-

7/http://www.takeninhand.com/relationship.and.health.versus.productiv
ity>
265 “The soothing effect of vowing to obey,” Taken in Hand, 3 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140306042216/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/the.soothing.effect.of.vowing.to.obey>
266 “My wife cherishes me,” Taken in Hand, 7 December 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128051407/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/my.wife.cherishes.me>
267 “Some possible benefits of taking your wife in hand,” Taken in Hand, 8

December 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201403151-

20918/http://www.takeninhand.com/some.possible.benefits.of.taking.you
r.wife.in.hand>
268 “Now I want my husband all the time,” Taken in Hand, 8 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141113074139/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/now.i.want.my.husband.all.the.time>
269 “Self-realization--the catapult,” Taken in Hand, 8 December 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128053605/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/self.realization.the.catapult>
270 “BDSM rituals and rule-bound relationships,” Taken in Hand, 10 De-

cember 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301281019-

28/http://www.takeninhand.com/bdsm.rituals.and.rule.bound.relationshi
ps>
271 “And Adam knew his wife,” Taken in Hand, 10 December 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054006/http://www.take-

ninhand.com/and.adam.knew.his.wife>

464
 NOTES

272 “Trials and errors - appeasement for anger,” Taken in Hand, 11 Decem-

ber 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140321181446/h-

ttp://www.takeninhand.com/trials.and.errors.appeasement.for.anger>
273 “PUT women in their place,” Taken in Hand, 13 December 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128055142/http://www.ta-

keninhand.com/put.women.in.their.place>
274 “Is it a mistake to spank when angry?” Taken in Hand, 14 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102522/http-

://www.takeninhand.com/is.it.a.mistake.to.spank.when.angry>
275 “Can physical chastisement cure bad habits?” Taken in Hand, 14 De-

cember 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201301280519-

48/http://www.takeninhand.com/can.physical.chastisement.cure.bad.hab
its>
276 “Don't wait too long to tell her,” Taken in Hand, 14 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128042703/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/dont.wait.too.long.to.tell.her>
277 “Why is BDSM so popular?” Taken in Hand, 16 December 2004. Availa-

ble at; <https://web.archive.org/web/20141018214037/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/why.is.bdsm.so.popular>
278 “What women need to know about men,” Taken in Hand, 17 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128054856/http:/-

/www.takeninhand.com/what.women.need.to.know.about.men>
279 “Trust is what makes my relationship so special,” Taken in Hand, 17

December 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/2013012809-

2630/http://www.takeninhand.com/trust.is.what.makes.my.relationship.s
o.special>
280 “Domestic discipline (DD),” Taken in Hand, 18 December 2004. Availa-

ble at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140307130547/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/domestic.discipline.dd>
281 “An etiquette in the relationship,” Taken in Hand, 20 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128064759/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/an.etiquette.in.the.relationship>
282 “What being taken in hand means to me,” Taken in Hand, 21 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128120024/http:/-

/www.takeninhand.com/what.being.taken.in.hand.means.to.me>
283 “The submissive alpha female,” Taken in Hand, 21 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20140921193403/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.submissive.alpha.female>
284 “The importance of conquest,” Taken in Hand, 21 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20141102064726/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/the.importance.of.conquest>

465
 TAKEN IN HAND 2003-2013

285 “Is chastity overrated?” Taken in Hand, 22 December 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20130128055204/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/is.chastity.overrated>
286 “The dance of consent,” Taken in Hand, 22 December 2004. Available at:

<https://web.archive.org/web/20141115111612/http://www.takeninhan
d.com/the.dance.of.consent>
287 “Women need to know when NOT to do as they're told!” Taken in

Hand, 23 December 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/201-

50501140059/http://www.takeninhand.com/women.need.to.know.when.
not.to.do.as.theyre.told>
288 “Communication, consent and connection,” Taken in Hand, 24 Decem-

ber 2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128102225/ht-

tp://www.takeninhand.com/communication.consent.and.connection>
289 “An iron hand in a velvet glove,” Taken in Hand, 25 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128013904/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/an.iron.hand.in.a.velvet.glove>
290 “Give the right impression?” Taken in Hand, 26 December 2004. Availa-

ble at; <https://web.archive.org/web/20141103081315/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/give.the.right.impression>
291 “Fear,” Taken in Hand, 27 December 2004. Available at: <https://web.-

archive.org/web/20130128095831/http://www.takeninhand.com/fear>
292 “Virtues of the lowly switch,” Taken in Hand, 28 December 2004. Avail-

able at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130414001252/http://www.tak-

eninhand.com/virtues.of.the.lowly.switch>
293 “I was drawn to his old-fashioned ways,” Taken in Hand, 29 December

2004. Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128100016/htt-

p://www.takeninhand.com/i.was.drawn.to.his.old.fashioned.ways>
294 “Why did it take us 20 years?” Taken in Hand, 31 December 2004.

Available at: <https://web.archive.org/web/20130128120034/http://ww-

w.takeninhand.com/why.did.it.take.us.20.years>

466