13

MUSICAL NUMBERS

1. Thirteen………………………………………………………...……………………….3
1a. Becoming a Man…………………………………………………….……………….5
1b. Thirteen-Coda……………………………………………………….…………….….5
1c. Indiana Transition……………………………………….………………………….6
2. The Lamest Place in the World……………………………..…………………..7
3. Hey Kendra…………………………………………………………………..…………8
3a. Invitations……………………………………………………………………..……...11
4. Get Me What I Need……………………………………………..………………..13
4a. Kendra Dream………………………………………………………………………14
4b. Get Me What I Need Coda………………………………………………..…….15
5. Opportunity……………………………………………………………………….…16
6. What It Means To Be A Friend…………………..…………………..……….17
7. All Hail The Brain…………………………………………………………………..19
7a. Terminal Illness…………………………………………………………………….20

7b. All Hail the Brain Coda……………………………………………………...……21
8. Getting Ready……………………………………………………………………..…22
9. Any Minute…………………………………………………………………..….…....25
10. Good Enough……………………………………………………………….…..……28
SCRIPT
11. Being a Geek……………………………………..…………………..………………29
Book by: Dan Elish and Robert Horn
12. Bad Bad News…………………..…………………………………..………………31
13. Tell Her…………………………………………………………………..……………34 Music by: Jason Robert Brown
13a. Transition……………………………………………………………..……………..35
14. It Can’t Be True……………………………………………………………….……36
15. If That’s What It Is………………………………………………….…………….40
16. A Little More Homework To Do….………………………….……..……….42
17. Brand New You………………………………………………………………….…44 NAME:____________________________________________________
18. Bows……………………………………..……………………………………………..45


CHARACTER:____________________________________________

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EVAN: (to audience) I don’t care how much my parents hate each other. They’d better pull it together and ACT ONE
make sure everything about this party is absolutely, positively, for once, please God, perfect!
SCENE 1
EVAN: TWELVE YEARS OLD, EVERYTHING THAT USED TO BE AS GOOD AS GOLD
STARTS TO CRUMBLE AND CRACK EVAN: I’m Evan Goldman, I live at 224 west 92nd street, in the heart of Manhattan. And my life is over.
EVAN, SIMON & RICHIE: PRESSURE MOUNTS, ONCE IT WAS A JOKE, NOW IT REALLY
COUNTS AND THERE’S NO TURNING BACK #1 – Thirteen
EVAN, CASSIE, & CHARLOTTE: LIFE GOES WRONG
QUINTON: SUDDENLY THEY’RE YELLING CAUSE YOUR HAIR’S TOO LONG PICTURE ME, JUST ANOTHER COOL KID IN NYC, NEAR THE PARK AND THE MET.
CADY: OR YOUR ROOM ISN’T CLEAN LIFE IS SWEET, YANKEES IN THE BRONX, PRETZELS ON THE STREET,
ALL: ROLL ALONG JUST HOW GOOD CAN IT GET?
EVAN: EVERY CONVERSATION IS ANOTHER LOST CAUSE OR A LIST OF MY FLAWS WHO’D HAVE GUESSED DAD WOULD MEET A STEWARDESS?
AND I’M JUST ABOUT TO TURN MOM’S DEPRESSED AND HER LAWYERS ARE MEAN
ALL: JUST ABOUT TO TURN NOW I’M STRESSED, LIFE IS A DISASTER
WOW, I’M GONNA TURN AND I’M CRACKING FROM THE STRAIN, GOING TOTALLY INSANE
THIRTEEN! AND I’M JUST ABOUT TO TURN
ABBY: I WANT A DIRT BIKE JUST ABOUT TO TURN, JUST ABOUT TO TURN
ALL: THIRTEEN! EVAN and KIDS: THIRTEEN!
AVA: I WANT TO KILL MY MOM EVAN: EVERYTHING SWITCHES
ALL: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
DUNCAN: I WANT A MUSTACHE! EVAN: EVERYTHING TURNS AROUND
ALL: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
AUDREY: I WANT A WONDER BRA EVAN: END UP IN STITCHES
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: WHEN DO I GET IT? EVAN: HIDE A WAY UNDERGROUND
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: ALL OF THE GROWN-UP STUFF’ EVAN: CAN I GET THROUGH IT?
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: HOW WILL I MAKE IT? EVAN: LIFE HAS CHANGED OVER NIGHT
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN! KIDS: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: WHEN AM I OLD ENOUGH? EVAN: HOW DO I DO IT?
ALL: WHY IS THE WORLD FEELING SUDDENLY STRANGER? KIDS: THIRTEEN!
WHY ARE MY FRIENDS ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD? EVAN: NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS IN DANGER? ALL: THE BEST AND THE WORST AND THE MOST AND THE LEAST
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN DISAPPEARED? AND THE CRAZY AND THE SCARY AND I’M STANDING ON THE EDGE!
HARPER: HOW CAN I GET THROUGH A YEAR OF SPANISH? EVAN: Okay. You wanna talk about turning 13? It’s a nightmare. I’ve got hair growing in places, I didn’t
EMMA FEHR: HOW CAN I NOT LOOK DUMB IN TRACK? even know were places. And do you see this? (He points to a pimple on his chin.) What did I do to deserve
SIMON: HOW CAN I GAIN 20 POUNDS BY FRIDAY? that?! But the worst part is that my parents are splitting up. I’ve got one good thing happening this whole year.
QUINTON: HOW CAN I MAKE MY VOICE NOT CRACK? My Bar Mitzvah. The event that defines you. The Jewish Super Bowl!
ALL: I WANNA FLY, WANNA RUN, WANNA DRIVE DUNCAN: Hey Evan, you’ve got to have a major party!
WANNA GET RICH, WANNA GET KNOWN, WANNA GET OUT BRAYDEN: I heard Zach Farber’s dad is hiring Jay-Z to free style over his Haftorah. We iz totally gonna kick
WANNA GET MY BRACES OFF, WANNA GET MY NOSE PIERCED it Old Shul!
WANNA GROW MY HAIR LONG, BUT ALL I KEEP HEARING IS QUINTON: My mom is having our invites printed on money!
NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET! BEN: For my Bar Mitzvah, my family rented out Carnegie Hall.
NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER! SLOAN: Hey Evan. For your Bar Mitzvah, I’ve got a very special present for you.
NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET! BOYS: Dude!!!
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ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS HUMMING NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER!
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN! NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET!
ALTO/BASS: SOMEBODY’S GROWING UP! NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER!
ALL: THIRTEEN! HOMEWORK, LAUNDRY, DISHES, COURSES
CHLOE: HEY, YEAHHH! (scat solo) JUST SETTLE DOWN AND HOLD YOUR HORSES!
ALL: THIRTEEN! (dance break)
CASSIE: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO (scat solo)
ALL: THIRTEEN!
#1a – Becoming A Man
MADDIE: HEY, YEAH, YEAH, HEY, YEAH (scat solo)
ALL: THIRTEEN!
CHARLOTTE: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH (scat solo) EVAN: I’M BECOMING A MAN
ALL: THE BEST AND THE WORST I DON’T KNOW WHAT A MAN REALLY MEANS
AND THE MOST AND THE LEAST THE RULE BOOK GROWS, BUT NO ONE KNOWS
AND THE CRAZY AND THE SCARY WHAT ALL THE RULES ALLOW
AND WE’RE JUST ABOUT TO TURN I’M BECOMING A MAN
THIRTEEN! NO ONE TELLS ALL THE SCARED IN-BETWEENS
(Big finish. All KIDS are around EVAN. His phone rings. He answers it.) JUST HOW WE SHOULD BE STRONG, BE GOOD
EVAN: Hey mom, what’s up? What? You never said anything about moving! Where? INDIANA?!? WITH SO MUCH PRESSURE NOW
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ONE DAY IT GETS BETTER
ONE DAY IT MAKES SENSE
ONE DAY I’LL STOP TALKING IN THE FRIGGIN’ FUTURE TENSE
#1c – Indiana Transition
ONE DAY IN OCTOBER
(As though a tornado were ripping through the theater, the entire set suddenly rips apart and all the IT’LL ALL BE GREAT
KIDS disappear. When the chaos subsides, EVAN is alone on a windy plain with farmhouses in the AND I CAN’T WAIT
distance; He has landed in the open, Indiana bleakness. He stands there in shock, takes a beat, then I CAN’T WAIT
turns to the audience.) I CAN’T WAIT

#1b – Thirteen-Coda
SCENE 2

EVAN: Appleton, Indiana. No, seriously. My parents split up, my life falls apart, and now I’m in a town where KAYLEE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
UFO’s go to refuel! EDEN: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
(PATRICE, a somewhat eccentric and bookish girl, enters and joins EVAN.) EMMA DAGGETT: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
PATRICE: Let me get this straight: your Mom decides to move to Appleton because her cousin Pam lives EMMA UNREIN & MACIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
here? GWYNETH & ANNA: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
EVAN: (to audience) At least there’s someone around here I can talk to. My next door neighbor, Patrice. (back GUYS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
to PATRICE) Yup. SOPRANOS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
PATRICE: Wow. Sounds like the divorce got ugly. ALTOS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR…
EVAN: Ugly? My Dad totally ruined our lives, and my mom’s a mess. She went around the apartment cutting ALL: PARTY!
his head out of all the photos. I CAN’T WAIT! I CAN’T WAIT!
PATRICE: No! CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT
EVAN: With her teeth! CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT
PATRICE: No!! CANT WAIT FOR THIRTEEN!
EVAN: She tells me we’re leaving New York, but then says, “It’s your decision,” which we all know is mom ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS COMING
talk for “You’re coming with me!” So she drags me away from my home and all my friends and now I have to SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
have my Bar Mitzvah in Appleton, Indiana! ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS GOING UP
PATRICE: If it’s so awful, just don’t have it. SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
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EVERY FOOL AND CLOWN EVAN: Yeah right. Try telling that to my Mom. For Jews, your Bar Mitzvah is the one day everything in your
SINCE THE CHIPPEWA SETTLED THIS STUPID TOWN life is supposed to be happy and perfect.
LET AND LAUGH, THEY WON’T KEEP ME DOWN PATRICE: See, Catholics don’t have that day. It would go against everything we believe in.
WITH YOU BY MY SIDE EVAN: Besides, how hot your party is totally sets up how popular you’ll be. So I need this one to be the best!
AND IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER The best DJ in the best ballroom at the best hotel…
AMAZING BUT TRUE PATRICE: …which is The Best Western.
YES, THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD EVAN: Ugh. Come on, Patrice. There’s got to be someplace in this town.
HAS LOTS OF FLAWS PATRICE: Sorry, but your choices are like my life here: limited.
BUT MAYBE IT’LL BE FINE BECAUSE EVAN: Limited to what?
IT BROUGHT ME TO YOU! PATRICE: Well, um, okay.
EVAN: Uh…Patrice?
PATRICE: (Coming out of her trance.) I better get back home. But later I’ll show you the hillside where #2 – The Lamest Place In The World
everyone waits for the alien invasion.
(PATRICE smiles and walks off. EVAN turns to the audience.) PATRICE: DOWN THE ROAD, THERE’S A DAIRY QUEEN
EVAN: Maybe it’ll all work out. Patrice is great, my mom’s awake and weaning herself off the meds, and I’ll UP THE BLOCK, THERE’S A WALMART
totally be set up here, if I can get just get all the coolest kids to come to my party. THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN ACCESSORIZE YOUR PETS
(Enter BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE in the midst of a conversation. BRETT is the prototypical A SCHOOL, A TREE, A COUPLE OF CHURCHES
junior high football star. Cool, handsome, and not quite as smart as a postage stamp. EDDIE and AND NO MATTER HOW HARD ANYBODY SEARCHES
MALCOLM are his goons. Two wannabes who flank him constantly.) THAT’S ABOUT AS THRILLING AS THIS LOSER VILLAGE GETS
BRETT: Okay guys, listen up. IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
EVAN: …Like Brett Sampson! Look at him! He’s the star quarterback, he’s got a pool in his backyard, and BUT IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
like eight million friends. If he comes to my Bar Mitzvah, everyone comes. SO DON’T DISAPPEAR
BRETT: Kendra is going to be here any minute. We have to get this right. What have you got for me? IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
EDDIE: Check it out, yo! We on it. BUT I’M PRETTY SURE
MALCOLM: One, two, three- IT’S NOT AS LAME AS IT WAS BEFORE
EDDIE: Here we go- NOW THAT YOU’RE HERE
EVAN: Patrice, that can’t be everything. There’s gotta be more to do around here.
PATRICE: The cow tipping takes up a lot of our time.
#3 – Hey Kendra EVAN: And when that’s done…?
FORTY MILES TO THE NEAREST RIVER
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA SIXTY MILES TO THE AIRPORT
WHEN WE PLAN OUR ESCAPE, THAT’S WHERE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE
BRETT: (Spoken to an imaginary KENDRA) Hey Kendra-
IT’S A SHAME, IT’S A SHAM, IT’S A TERRIBLE PITY
EDDIE & MALCOLM: I’VE BEEN THINKING YOU GOT DRAGGED AWAY FROM NEW YORK CITY
IT’S MAJOR SUCK FOR YOU BUT IT’S AMAZING LUCK FOR ME
BRETT: I’ve been thinking. IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
EDDIE, & MALCOLM: I GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA, GET WIT’CHOO. BUT IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
I’M HAPPY TO SAY
BRETT: So true. IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
YOU’RE COMPLETELY EXOTIC
EDDIE & MALCOLM: I WANNA GET UP ALL IN YO’ BIDNESS, GIRL
INTELLECTUAL NEUROTIC
BRETT: …bidness… YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE A SHOT EXCEPT
YOU’VE FOUND THE PERFECT GUIDE
EDDIE & MALCOLM: AND MAKE YOU FEEL REAL FINE
AND THOUGH I DON’T REALLY KNOW YOU
BRETT: Real fine, not fake fine. I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SHOW YOU
EVERY FAKE AND FREAK
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BRETT: Kendra, there’s something I wanna ask you… EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA!
LUCY: Oh great.
BRETT: Hey Kendra.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA
EDDIE & MALCOLM: COME CLOSER
BRETT: (suddenly he’s Barry White) Hey Kendra.
BRETT: Much closer.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: I’VE BEEN THINKING
EDDIE & MALCOLM: I GOT MYSELF A BRAND NEW PLAYSTATION
BRETT: I’ve been thinking.
BRETT: …Wait, what?
ALL THREE: I WANNA SPEND A LITTLE SPECIAL TIME WITH YOU
EDDIE: WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE?
MALCOLM: AND WE’LL BEAT THOSE BAD GUYS ALL NIGHT LONG!
KENDRA: Aw!
BRETT: Okay stop! Video games? Yeah, not gonna work.
ALL THREE: I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO A MOVIE, GIRL
EDDIE: Yeah, so gonna work! It’s double edge…
BRETT: Friday night.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: …smoooooooth.
EDDIE, & MALCOLM: DOWN AT THE MALL
BRETT: Girls don’t care about video games. I need something sensitive. (EDDIE, MALCOLM & BRETT
KENDRA: It’s perfect!
shudder) If I don’t at least pretend to be romantic, I’ll never get the tongue!
LUCY: No it isn’t.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: (with wonderment) The tongue!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA
EDDIE: Where are you going to take her Brett?
BRETT: Hey, Kendra.
BRETT: You two didn’t set something up? Eddie. Malcolm. I’ve very disappointed. (They hang their heads in
EDDIE & MALCOLM: DON’T BE NERVOUS
shame.) There’s gotta be a place that sets the mood right. Come on, guys…
BRETT: Trust me baby
EVAN: (to audience) Great! It’s clear I can do something better than Brett.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: WE’RE GONNA GET SOME POPCORN AND SOME RAISINETTES
BRETT: Think!!!
BRETT: Chocolate covered.
EVAN: (to audience) Exactly! (to BRETT) Hey Brett! How about taking her to a scary movie? She’ll get
MALCOLM: TELL YOUR MAMA NOT TO WORRY GIRL
terrified, inch her way closer, open her mouth to scream and your tongue will just get sucked in with the jet
EDDIE & MALCOLM: IT’S GONNA FEEL REAL FINE
stream!
KENDRA: Yay!
BRETT: Whoa!
LUCY: (interrupting) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: Whoa!
YOU CAN’T GO TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY NIGHT
BRETT: A scary movie! Who is this guy?
EDDIE & MALCOLM: NO, NO, SHE CAN’T DO IT
EVAN: I’m Evan Goldman. From New York.
LUCY: I SAID SHE CAN’T GO
BRETT: New York? Whoa! I’m gonna call you…Brain!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: UH-UH NO WAY
EDDIE & MALCOLM: Brain!
LUCY: ‘CAUSE YOU ALREADY COMMITTED TO DO THAT THING!
EVAN: Brain it is!
KENDRA: (mystified) WHAT THING?
EDDIE: (EDDIE sees KENDRA & LUCY approaching) Incoming! Kendra, three o’clock!
LUCY: THAT THING!
(KENDRA enters. She’s not only the prettiest and most popular girl in school, She’s also the most
KENDRA: WHAT THING?
oblivious. )
LUCY: THAT THING YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO ON FRIDAY!
BRETT: Hey Kendra. (LUCY, KENDRA’s best friend, comes running in and steps in front of KENDRA.
KENDRA: THERE IS NO THING!
LUCY, as a rule, is not to be trusted. BRETT deflates in seeing this action.) Oh, hi Lucy.
LUCY: YES THERE IS, KENDRA!
LUCY: Brett, wow, lucky us, running into you when I’m looking so fine.
KENDRA: I’M GOING TO THE MOVIES FRIDAY NIGHT WITH BRETT!
BRETT: (pushing past LUCY) Kendra, you look amazing.
LUCY: NO, YOU’RE NOT! DON’T CONTRADICT ME IN PUBLIC, KENDRA!
KENDRA: Thanks! I almost didn’t wear this, but then I thought, (as if having a life changing epiphany) No.
WE’LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER
wear it!
KENDRA: FINE!
BRETT: Here we go!
(The GIRLS smile at the BOYS)
MALCOLM: 1, 2, 3-
BRETT, EDDIE, & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA… I’M BEGGING…
EDDIE: Get shizzy… (Music starts.)
BRETT: PLEASE GO TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY

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EVAN: (to audience) I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER KENDRA: Sure, I’ll come!
AND IT’S GOTTA BE JUST RIGHT. (LUCY sees PATRICE holding an invitation.) LUCY: (grabbing her and dragging her offstage) We so majorly have to talk! (They exit)
BRETT, EDDIE, & MALCOLM: OOH, BABY, WE SO GOOOOOOD! (high fives)
LUCY: Hold on. Is the freak coming? MALCOLM: YOU GONNA GET ALL UP IN HER BIDNESS, YO!
EVAN: Patrice? BRETT: Nice work, Brain. I’ll see you when school starts!
MOLLY: Yeah. ‘Cause if she comes, we’re so snubbing. (BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE exit. EVAN turns to audience.)
CHARLOTTE: Won’t be there. EVAN: “I’ll see you when school starts!” I’m so in with Brett! Which means everyone’s gonna come to my
CASSIE: Count me out. party… (PATRICE enters)…which is going to be amazing, thanks to all your help. Let’s get to school so I can
EVAN: Come on. What’s wrong with Patrice? pass out my invites.
BRETT: She’ll be there. PATRICE: Evan, wait. Before you pass them out…If those guys know I’m coming, there won’t be a party.
LUCY: And we won’t. I’ve been trying to tell you for the last month, they hate me.
MALCOLM: And if they don’t go, we don’t go. EVAN: Patrice, come on. What makes you think they hate you?
EDDIE: Get it? PATRICE: They write “we hate you” on my locker. Look, I don’t read what they read, watch what they
PATRICE: I told you. Come on, Evan. watch, shop where they shop or think like they think, and neither do you. Trust me, you should stay away from
EVAN: Guys, you got it wrong… those guys.
BRETT: Make up your mind, Brain. It’s either us…or her. (BRETT takes the invitation from PATRICE and EVAN: This town isn’t about people like you and me. It’s about people like them. We can’t just hide away.
gives it back to EVAN.) Up to you. PATRICE: Yes we can.
EVAN: Besides, they don’t know you like I know you. And you’re with me now. Come on. I have a good
(EVERYONE freezes. EVAN turns to audience.)
feeling about our first day at (to the audience meaningfully) Dan Quayle Junior High.
EVAN: I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER AND IF I DON’T GET IT DOWN,
THEN IT’S ONE MORE HUGE DISASTER LIKE MY PARENTS, LIKE THIS TOWN. SCENE 3
I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER, I CAN MAKE IT TO OCTOBER,
BUT IT’S REALLY GOTTA BE THE PERFECT PARTY, THE PERFECT PARTY!
#3a – Invitations
(EVAN makes a decision- he hands the invitation to PATRICE. BRETT and the others turn disgustedly
to walk away.) (The school drops in. Students arrive and break into cliques. EVAN and PATRICE arrive last. BRETT
sees EVAN come in.)
EVAN: Wait! (In a panic EVAN reaches, takes back the invitation and rips it in half.)
BRETT: (to crowd) See what I told you? He is the Brain! BRETT: Hey! It’s the Brain!
(EVAN passes out invitations. First to BRETT, MALCOLM, & EDDIE, the gradually to others.)
(There is a group cheer. PATRICE walks away, humiliated and reeling from the betrayal.)
EVAN: (to audience) I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER WHEN THE PIECES ALL WILL FIT.
BRETT: (to EVAN) I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY WHEN I’M FINALLY ACCEPTED AND MY PARTY IS A HIT.
LUCY: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER, AND I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE….
SIMON & RICHIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
EDDIE & CHARLOTTE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY RICHIE: A bra what?
MOLLY & MALCOLM: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY CASSIE: Like, okay, so what is a Barf- Matzaah anyway?
BRETT, KENDRA & LUCY: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY LUCY: It’s this weird Jewish thing where they make you talk backwards and everyone gets circumcised.
SIMON & CASSIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY ALL (EXCEPT EVAN & PATRICE): (with disgust) Oh.
ALL: PARTY! SIMON: Not cool Brain.
EVAN: No, no, no! It’s a party. With a hot DJ and wild dancing.
(During the preceding lines, ARCHIE has entered. His energy and look are unlike anything else on (The KIDS all look to BRETT.)
stage, and He walks on crutches as the result of muscular dystrophy.) BRETT: That might be cool.
CHARLOTTE: Count me in.
ARCHIE: What party?
MOLLY: I’ll be there.
(The other KIDS ignore ARCHIE and go on about their business.)

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ALL KIDS (EXCEPT ARCHIE & EVAN): I CAN’T WAIT! I CAN’T WAIT!
#4 – Get Me What I Need CAN’T WAIT! CAN’T WAIT! CAN’T WAIT,
CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT FOR THIRTEEN!
THIRTEEN
ARCHIE: There’s exactly one person in this school who can help me, and that person is you! THIRTEEN
THIRTEEN!
THERE’S THE COOL KIDS
THIRTEEN!
THERE’S THE PREPS AND THERE’S THE SKATE PUNKS AND THE JOCKS
AND THEN THERE’S ME (The KIDS all dance offstage leaving EVAN looking for PATRICE. ARCHIE tries to get his attention.)
THERE’S THE LOSERS
THERE’S THE NERDS AND THERE’S THE STONERS AND THE GOTHS ARCHIE: Oh, hi! You’re the new kid, right?
AND THEN THERE’S ME EVAN: (looking around) Oh, yeah, hi. I’m Evan.
BUT THEN THERE’S YOU ARCHIE: I’m Archie. I pass by your house every morning when you’re waiting for the bus. See, I’m on the
CAUSE YOU’RE THE NEW KID IN THE SCHOOL special needs bus. ‘Cause of my crutches.
YOU’RE NOT DEFINED BY ONE SPECIFIC BREED EVAN: Bummer…
AND SOYOU’RE FREE TO FLIT FROM GROUP TO GROUP ARCHIE: It’s okay, at least nobody makes fun of me on the special needs bus. That’d be ironic.
FROM SCENE TO SCENE EVAN: So, it’s been really great meeting you, Archie…
CAUSE YOU’RE THE CONDULATE, THE MEDIUM, THE GO-BETWEEN ARCHIE: Are you looking for Patrice?
WHICH MEANS YOU’RE PERFECTLY POSITIONED TO GET ME WHAT I NEED EVAN: You know Patrice?
(BRETT enters catching a football, slowly followed by MALCOLM & EDDIE.) ARCHIE: Sure, she’s like my best friend. Also my only friend.
BRETT: Yo Brain! That guy? Not cool. (BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE exit.) EVAN: Do you know where she is?
EVAN: (to BRETT) Got it! Thanks. (to ARCHIE) Look, Archie, I’m the wrong guy for this. ARCHIE: Why? Do you want to do something else to publicly humiliate her and ruin her life?
ARCHIE: One date, that’s all I’m asking. EVAN: Oh… you know about that, huh?
EVAN: Isn’t there some nice girl on the special needs bus? ARCHIE: Yeah, it’s already on YouTube. But I think I can help.
ARCHIE: THEY DON’T LIKE ME EVAN: Really? That’d be amazing. I’d totally owe you.
EVEN BACK BEFORE THE CRUTCHES, IT WAS CLEAR I DON’T FIT HERE ARCHIE: And then, you can do something for me? A deal of sorts.
SO IT’S HOPELESS EVAN: (tentative) Wait a second, what kind of deal?
I CAN’T WALK RIGHT UP TO KENDRA AND SAY ‘HEY’ ARCHIE: A small deal. A no-big-deal deal. I need a date.
SHE’D RUN AWAY EVAN: Uh. Okay. And is there anyone specific you want a date with?
BUT LOOK AT YOU ARCHIE: Kendra.
YOU’RE MAKING FRIENDS AND HAVING PARTIES EVAN: Kendra? Are you crazy?!
AND ADAPTING AT IMPRESSIVE SPEED ARCHIE: She wants me.
JUST TWENTY MINUTES AS WE’RE SITTING SO OUR KNEES COULD TOUCH EVAN: Come on. There’s no way I can get Kendra to go out with you.
YES, IT’S A TINY INCONVENIENCE, BUT IT MEANS SO MUCH ARCHIE: Fine, then. I’ll just cozy up next to her at your Bar Mitzvah, and before long I will be attending to
CAUSE OUT OF ALL OF INDIANA, YOU CAN GET ME WHAT I NEED her special needs.
EVAN: It’s impossible! EVAN: Okay, first of all, YUCK. And second of all, I don’t remember inviting you to my Bar Mitzvah.
ARCHIE: Do I really need an invitation? You think your mother would throw Tiny Tim out on to the street?
#4a- Kendra Dream And so close to Christmas?
EVAN: Archie, I’ve really gotta go find Patrice. (EVAN starts to head off.)
ARCHIE: AND WHAT I NEED IS KENDRA! ARCHIE: I understand. Even though it’s a sick boy’s dying wish, I don’t want you to feel any pressure…
BOYS: KENDRA, KENDRA! (EVAN stops cold. With enormous reluctance, he turns back to face ARCHIE.)
ARCHIE: BEAUTIFUL KENDRA! EVAN: Dying?
BOYS: KENDRA, KENDRA! ARCHIE: Oh, did that slip out?
ARCHIE: WONDERFUL KENDRA! EVAN: Really? You’re dying?
MAKE HER APPEAR! ARCHIE: I have a terminal degenerative neuromuscular disorder.
ARCHIE & BOYS: IF YOU WANT A GIRL, THE GIRL YOU WANT IS EVAN: Look, I feel terrible, really, but I can’t get you a date with Kendra. I do one stupid thing, and suddenly
ARCHIE: KENDRA! I’m exiled to the loser table for the rest of my life. I’m on major probation here!

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LUCY: Charlotte! That’s a total lie! GIRLS: KENDRA, KENDRA
MOLLY: Is it…? ARCHIE: VERY HOT, KENDRA!
LUCY: Ugh. Let’s all just learn the stupid cheer. BOYS: VERY HOT, VERY HOT
ARCHIE: GO TELL KENDRA
I’M WAITING HERE
#5 – Opportunity
#4b – Get Me What I Need Coda
KENDRA: All right! Let’s do it!
HERE’S THE PROBLEM
O-P-P-O-R-T! EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECOND THAT I WAIT MIGHT BE TOO LATE
GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T? SO LET’S FACE IT,
KENDRA: NO! O-P-P-O-R-T! IF I EVER HAD A CHANCE, THE TIME IS NOW, SO WHO CARES HOW
GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T! JUST DO YOUR BEST
AND I WON’T BOTHER YOU AGAIN AND THAT’S A PROMISE GUARANTEED
(All of the GIRLS begin working on a cheerleading routine except for LUCY who stands apart. We
SO, YOU CAN HELP ME OUT AND WE CAN BOTH DO VERY WELL
tunnel into LUCY’s brain as she sings the following.)
OR I CAN TURN AROUND AND MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING…WELL!
LUCY: BRETT WANTS KENDRA TO BE HIS GIRLFIREND IT’S UP TO YOU, YOU’VE GOT A CHOICE, YOU’VE GOT INCENTIVE TO SUCCEED
BUT BRETT IS THE BOY THAT I WANT TO BE WITH YES, I KNOW IT SOUNDS INSANE
I ONLY WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR MY BEST FRIEND JERRY LEWIS CAN EXPLAIN
SO DO I WAIT ACTING FAKE ‘TIL SHE MAKES A MISTAKE, YOU’VE GOT TO HELP ME, EVAN
OR DO I TAKE THE REWARD THAT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE HELP ME, EVAN, HELP ME, EVAN, HELP ME, EVAN
IF I PRAYED TO GOD AND CRIED A LITTLE, MAYBE HE’D PROVIDE A LITTLE GET ME WHAT I NEED
O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY EVAN: I’ll try!
O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY ARCHIE: I knew you would.
GIRLS: O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY
O-P-P-- SCENE 4
LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
(They exit. School Bell rings. Transition to the school gymnasium. KENDRA, LUCY and all of the
GIRLS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH
girls except PATRICE are in a cheerleading practice. KENDRA is running the rehearsal while LUCY
WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH
is determinedly unenthusiastic.)
LUCY: OH WHAT A GOOD GIRL I COULD BE,
IF I ONLY HAD AN ITTY-BITTY OPPORTUNITY KENDRA: Okay, this is it. I just made it up last night, so it’s a little rough, but it’s soooooo good!

(LUCY pulls KENDRA aside to talk.) (KENDRA performs an elaborate, desperately over choreographed cheer.)
LUCY: Hey! I had an idea! Why don’t you go out with that kid Daniel from church?
KENDRA: You mean, while I’m going out with Brett? O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity. You’re never gonna break our unity.
LUCY: No, I mean instead of Brett. O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity. You’re never gonna get the opportunity.
KENDRA: But I’m already going out with Brett. Gimme a B, gimme an R, gimme an E-T-T
LUCY: Okay, the thing is, I’m just worried that you’re not ready. Brett’s the hottest boy in school. You need What does it spell? Victory!
to work your way up to a “Brett”.
(KENDRA leaps into a split expecting applause.)
KENDRA: You ARE jealous!
LUCY: I am not! LUCY: It spells Brett.
KENDRA: Lucy, you can go out with anyone you want. KENDRA: Huh?
LUCY: Shut up. I’m ugly. LUCY: That cheer. It spells Brett.
KENDRA: Not everywhere. KENDRA: Oh. (She looks puzzled and defeated.)
LUCY: Look. Brett asked you to the movies for one reason only. He wants to do “The Tongue!” CASSIE: Kendra, it’s awesome!
KENDRA: The tongue? CHARLOTTE: Lucy’s just jealous that Brett asked you out instead of her.
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PATRICE: Why are you sticking up for him? LUCY: The Tongue! And trust me, you won’t like it.
ARCHIE: He’s a nice guy. He’s new. He made a mistake. And I think we’re going to be friends. KENDRA: But my mother says pretending you like it prepares you for marriage. (to the GIRLS) Come on
PATRICE: Good luck with that. girls, let’s go!
ARCHIE: Come on. Give him another chance. (The GIRLS go back to practicing the cheer as we go back to LUCY’s thoughts.)
LUCY: I CAN SEE BEING BRETT’S NEW GIRLFRIEND
PATRICE: Another chance? No, sorry.
#6 – What It Means To Be A Friend I’ve given “another chance” to every jerk in this town. I thought there WE COULD BE KING AND QUEEN OF THIS SCHOOL
was something special about him. “Friend”. Please. O-M-G, AND YOU KNOW THAT HE WANTS ME
A FRIEND’S NOT A CHEAP LITTLE PHONY CREEP BUT SINCE IT’S KENDRA HE ASKED, AND THERE’S NOTHING TO SAY
OR A JERK TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL UNLESS I SCHEME AND I PLOT UNTIL SHE’S OUT OF THE WAY
A FRIEND IS A PERSON WHO, MOST OF ALL, IF IT DIDN’T MAKE ME HATE MYSELF,
CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL I BET I COULD CREATE MYSELF A LITTLE
AND NOTHING IS HARDER GIRLS: O-P-P
THAN LEARNING A FRIEND ISN’T REAL LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
A FRIEND SENDS NOTES BACK AND FORTH ALL DAY GIRLS: O-P-P
AND DOESN’T CARE THAT YOU CAN’T SPELL LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
A FRIEND KNOWS YOU’VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOUR TEACHER, GIRLS: HEY-O! O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY! O-P-P
BUT A FRIEND WOULD NEVER TELL LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
A FRIEND’S OUTSIDE WAITING GIRLS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH
THE MINUTE YOU BOTH HEAR THE BELL WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH
AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING LUCY: HOW WILL HE KNOW THAT HE REALLY WANTS ME
CAUSE THE WORLD IS JUST NOT FAIR IF HE NEVER EVEN GETS A LITTLE OPPORTUNITY
WHEN YOU’RE AT YOUR WORST KENDRA: Okay, come on! We do the cheer, then the cascade! Charlotte, you first, then Cassie, then Molly,
YOUR FRIEND’S THE FIRST ONE THERE then the rest of you. Lucy, you catch me at the end.
GIVING YOU SOMETHING TO LEAN ON LUCY: But that’s not how we usually...(an opportunity presents itself) Oooooooookay!
AND THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND KENDRA: Here we go!
ARCHIE: You’ve got him all wrong Patrice. You’ll see. (He exits.) GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity! O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity!
PATRICE: A FRIEND WON’T SMOKE WHEN SHE’S IN YOUR ROOM O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity! O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity!
OR LAUGH AT THE POEMS YOU WRITE WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH! WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH!
A FRIEND WON’T GO START KISSING YOUR BROTHER WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH! WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH!
THE MINUTE THAT YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT (The GIRLS flip KENDRA, but just as LUCY is about to catch her, she lets KENDRA drop.)
A FRIEND IS THE PERSON LUCY: WHAT KIND OF BEST FRIEND WOULD I BE
YOU CALL SIXTEEN TIMES EVERY NIGHT IF I DIDN’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN OPPORTUNITY
AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING
AND YOU WANT TO RUN AND HIDE SCENE 5
WHEN YOUR HOPE IS GONE
YOUR FRIEND IS ON YOUR SIDE (School bell rings. PATRICE is sitting in the library writing furiously in her diary. ARCHIE enters.
IF SOMEONE MOVES IN ‘ROUND THE CORNER PATRICE sees him and immediately gets up to leave.
AND YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM YOU CARE ARCHIE: Hey Patrice…wait.
SO YOU GIVE HIM ALL YOUR LAST MONTH OF VACATION PATRICE: I don’t want to talk now, Archie.
AND ALL OF THE TIME YOU CAN SPARE ARCHIE: It’s about Evan.
BUT THEN, ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASSES PATRICE: Especially about Evan.
HE ACTS LIKE YOU’RE NOT EVEN THERE, ARCHIE: What he did, he really didn’t mean it.
THEN HE DOESN’T KNOW’ PATRICE: Yeah. Ripping up my invitation in front of everyone who hates me isn’t what he meant.
HE DOESN’T KNOW! ARCHIE: Come on. You know you really like him.
HE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MEANS PATRICE: And why would you think that?
TO BE A FRIEND ARCHIE: You said, “I really like him.” But maybe I read that one wrong.
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THEN FIND THE DRESS SHE WORE IN THE PICTURE ON THE LICENSE THAT I COPIED AND I SCENE 6
LAMINATED, WEAR THE DRESS, GET A WIG, SHOW THE LICENSE, BUY THE TICKETS
WHAT COULD GO WRONG? (School bell rings. A classroom, in the middle of a math test. KIDS enter pushing their school desks
KIDS: BRETT’S GONNA DO IT into place. BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE approach EVAN.)
BRETT’S GONNA DO IT EDDIE: Yo Brain.
FRIDAY NIGHT, BRETT’S GONNA DO IT BRETT: Brain, your idea of taking Kendra to a scary movie was great. Now, get your Mom to buy the tickets
FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE BLOODMASTER for “The Bloodmaster”.
BRETT’S GONNA DO THE TONGUE WITH KENDRA EVAN: “The Bloodmaster?”
FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE MOVIE IN THE MALL BRETT: Friday night.
AND THE BRAIN’S GONNA GET US IN EVAN: Wait. You want my mom to buy tickets for everyone?
BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE: Yes.
(“ALL HAIL THE BRAIN” PART 2) EVAN: There’s no way my mother’s gonna buy tickets to an R-rated movie.
BRETT: I’ll make this easy. You want us all to come to your little party?
EVAN: I HAVE A PLAN, A BETTER PLAN EVAN: Of course.
ACTUALLY AN ALMOST PERFECT PLAN BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE: Friday night. 7:30.
IT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY NUTS, IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF GUTS BRETT: Or maybe you’re not as useful as I thought…
BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES THROUGH, THEY’LL SAY (BRETT and the GOONS walk away, leaving EVAN stymied. The KIDS are all whispering, passing the
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN gossip as they take the test.
GIVE THAT BAR MITZVAH BOY A HAND
AIN’T HE GRAND, AIN’T HE GREAT’ #7 – All Hail The Brain KIDS: BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FRIDAY NIGHT, BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
GO THAT DAY TO THE MOVIE THEATER KIDS: BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
BREAK INTO THE PROJECTION ROOM BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
STEAL THE REELS OF FILM FOR THE BLOODMASTER FRIDAY NIGHT, THE BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
TAKE IT IN THE HALL WHERE THEY’RE SHOWING BAMBI FRIDAY NIGHT WE GO TO THE MALL
SWITCH THE REELS, LEAVE THE THEATER AND THE BRAIN'S GONNA GET US INTO THE MOVIE
TELL THE GUYS WE’RE GONNA GO AND SEE BAMBI GONNA GO SEE THE BLOOD MASTER
WHAT COULD GO WRONG? FRIDAY NIGHT, THE BLOOD MASTER
BRETT: Hey, Brain, did you set up my date for Friday? FRIDAY NIGHT, FRIDAY NIGHT
EVAN: Date? BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
BRETT: With Kendra? BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
EVAN: Date? Date! Archie! I have major news! EVAN: I HAVE A PLAN, I HAVE A PLAN,
ARCHIE: They’re making a musical out of Mrs. Doubtfire? POSSIBLY, I THINK I HAVE A PLAN
EVAN: No! Well, yes. But no. IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF WORK, IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF LUCK
I HAVE A PLAN, I HAVE A PLAN BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES THROUGH, THEY’LL SAY
SO YOU AND KENDRA CAN GO OUT ON FRIDAY NIGHT ALL HAIL THE BRAIN!
ARCHIE: Oooooh!!! HE DOES WHAT NO MERE MORTAL CAN
EVAN: I NEED YOUR HELP, THOUGH, SO STAY CALM HE’S THE MAN, EVAN GOLDMAN
YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO MY MOM ALL HAIL THE BRAIN!
AND IT’LL ALL COME TRUE, BECAUSE... HE DID WHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD DO
SAW US THROUGH, SAVED THE DAY
#7a – Terminal Illness AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
WAIT TILL MOM GOES TO SLEEP
NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS THEN SNEAK THE LICENSE FROM THE WALLET IN HER PURSE
TAKE IT FROM ME, IT’S A SURE GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS AND MAKE A COLORED XEROX, LAMINATE IT
LISTEN, I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOUR TERMINAL ILLNESS THEN PUT THE LICENSE BACK IN THE WALLET IN HER PURSE
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ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN BUT YOU HOLD THE SECRET TO GETTING MY MOM TO SAY YES
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN! SO TALK TO MY MOM, AND GET HER TO BUY THE TICKETS WE NEED TO OBTAIN
(The KIDS run off. The school disappears. EVAN sees PATRICE on the playground.) BRETT GETS HIS MOVIE, I GET THE CREDIT, AND YOU GET YOUR DATE, SO WHO COULD
EVAN: Patrice. Wait. COMPLAIN? EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOUR DYING, BUT
PATRICE: I’m not talking to you. NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS
EVAN: Look, we’re all going to the movies on Friday night. Why don’t you come? You can’t stay mad at me WHO COULD REFUSE WHEN YOU SHUFFLE YOUR SHOES AND SAY PLEASE?
forever. USE ALL THE TRICKS THAT YOU LEARNED IN YOUR CRADLE
PATRICE: Just because Archie asked me to forgive you, doesn’t mean I will. Honestly, why would I go YOU DON’T NEED TO LAY IT ON THICK WITH A LADLE
anywhere with you ever? CAUSE NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A FATAL DISEASE!
EVAN: Because I messed up big time and I want to make it up by asking you out. ARCHIE: I can do this!
PATRICE: Asking me out? EVAN: I know you can!
EVAN: Out. LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
PATRICE: As in- “out” out? ARCHIE: Ms. Goldman, I hate to bother you, but I was strolling through the neighborhood…
EVAN: That would work. EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
PATRICE: I’ll think about it. But don’t get your hopes up. I doubt it. Probably not. ARCHIE: ...which wouldn’t be so bad, if it weren’t my birthday on Friday, but the insurance…
(She walks off. EVAN watches her go then turns to the audience, slyly) EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
EVAN: Oh yeah, she’s coming. And sure, to the inexperienced eye, it may look like I just set Brett and Archie ARCHIE: …I could always pay you for the tickets if I don’t get my medicine next month…
up to be on dates with the same girl, on the same night, in the same place…(a realization. Then Panic.) Crap! EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
ARCHIE: …and you know, I’ve always felt this kinship with the Jewish people.
SCENE 7 EVAN: OUT OF THE BLUE, A THOUGHT COMES TO YOU
LIKE SUN COMING OUT FROM THE RAIN
(EVAN runs to ARCHIE’s bedroom to do damage control.) AND AFTER THE STRESS, MY MOTHER SAYS—
EVAN: Archie, listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night… ARCHIE: Yes!
ARCHIE: Finally. Me on a date with Kendra. See, Evan? Miracles can happen…with just the right EVAN: Yes!!
combination of praying and stalking. EVAN & ARCHIE: WE’RE ALL SET FOR FRIDAY,
EVAN: Yeah. It’s great, isn’t it? But, maybe you’re not up for it? SO WHO COULD COMPLAIN?
ARCHIE: Up for it? A Ritalin and a Red Bull, and I’m up for anything! ARCHIE: EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE JEWISH AND YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN
EVAN: Okay, this is Brett’s date with Kendra, and it’s important for me that it works out. So, you’re just EVAN: IT’S TRUE--
gonna sit next to her, right? That’s all. EVAN & ARCHIE: BUT NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS
ARCHIE: Would I do anything to jeopardize you, after what you’ve done for me, Evan Goldman? ASK FOR A DAY AT THE MALL OR A TRIP TO BELIZE
EVAN: So we’re good? NOTHING’S TO HARD OR A QUEST UNENDURABLE
ARCHIE: We’re so good. LONG AS YOUR SURE YOU’RE COMPLETELY INCURABLE
EVAN: Good. CAUSE NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A FATAL DISEASE!
ARCHIE: Good.
EVAN: Good. #7b – All Hail the Brain Coda (Part 3)
#8 – Getting Ready BRETT: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
(EVAN leaves. ARCHIE turns to the audience.) BRETT: I NEVER THOUGHT HE’D TAKE THE BAIT!
ARCHIE: I ONLY GOT ONE SHOT, BETTER GET IT RIGHT THIS IS GREAT! EVAN GOLDMAN!
I’M GETTING READY ALL: EVAN GOLDMAN! ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
GOT TO LOOK REAL HOT, WHEN IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT EVAN: I DID WHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD DO.
I’M GETTING READY TELL ME WHO COULD COMPLAIN?
I’M GETTING READY TODAY, I’M GETTING READY TO SAY BRETT: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
I’M NOT THAT WEIRD GEEK YOU THINK I MUST BE ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
I’M GETTING READY TO MOVE, I’M GETTING READY TO PROVE EVAN: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
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KENDRA: What if it’s just like, this much? KENDRA, JUST NEEDS A HEARTTHROB LIKE ME
LUCY: WHEN YOU GOT THAT SOLO IN CHOIR EVAN: ON FRIDAY NIGHT, I’LL BE THE HOMETOWN HERO
IT’S CAUSE I TOLD YOU WHAT TO SING. ARCHIE: GOT TO CUT MY NAILS
WHEN YOU GOT THE LEAD IN THE FALL SCHOOL PLAY EVAN: IF THIS GOES RIGHT, THEN I’LL BE FREE AND CLEAR
IT’S CAUSE I COACHED YOU ALL LAST SPRING. ARCHIE: GOT TO SHAVE MY BEARD
WHEN YOU GOT TO BE THE HEAD OF THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD EVAN: AND IF IT GOES AS PLANNED, PATRICE WILL UNDERSTAND
IT’S CAUSE I TAUGHT YOU EVERYTHING! SOME PRICES ARE WORTH PAYING WHEN YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE
THINK OF ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD’VE HAD, YOU’VE GOT INSTEAD ARCHIE: I’M GETTING READY FOR HER
BECAUSE YOU DID JUST WHAT I SAID! I’M GETTING READY, YES SIR
YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL READY FOR PASSION, DELIGHT AND ROMANCE
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL ARCHIE & EVAN: I’M GETTING READY TO GO
LUCY: YOU DON’T DO THAT I’M GETTING READY AND KNOWING
KENDRA: BUT HE’S SOOOOOO CUTE I MAY ONLY GET THIS ONE CHANCE
LUCY: YOU’RE A NICE GIRL (Shift to BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE)
KENDRA: LISTEN LUCY BRETT: THERE IN THE DARK OF THE APPLETON CINEMA
LUCY: DON’T QUESTION ME FREE FROM THE PUBLIC’S PRYING EYES
KENDRA: BUT I COULD BE HIS GIRLFRIEND THERE WITH MY GIRL IN THE CHAIR BESIDE ME
LUCY: YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL I CAN REVEAL MY BIG SURPRISE
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL THERE WHILE THE REST OF THE CROWD’S IMMERSED IN
LUCY & KENDRA: I/YOU DON’T DO THAT ALL OF THE BLOOD VESSELS ONSCREEN BURSTIN’
(EVAN, ARCHIE, BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE re-enter and sing simultaneously.) KENDRA WILL GET TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE TO REALIZE
EVAN: COME ON, THIS HAS TO GO RIGHT. HERE COMES THE TONGUE!
THEY’LL FINALLY ACCEPT ME, AFTER TONIGHT. EDDIE & MALCOLM: HERE IT COMES! HERE IT COMES!
LUCY & KENDRA: I COULD BE HIS GIRLFRIEND BRETT: HERE COMES THE TONGUE!
LUCY: IF I COULD GET HER OUT OF THE WAY EDDIE & MALCOLM: HERE IT COMES! HERE IT COMES!
KENDRA: NOW I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! BRETT: HERE COMES THE—(They make babbling tongue noises.) TOLUBALUBALUBALUB…
PATRICE, LUCY & KENDRA: I’VE GOT TO GET READY FOR HIM (Shift to KENDRA’s bedroom with LUCY.)
ARCHIE: I’M GETTING READY IT’S TRUE KENDRA: Okay, so just go through this with me one more time.
ARCHIE/EVAN: I’M GETTING READY TO DO LUCY: Okay.
SOMETHING THAT MAKES HER/THEM ACCEPT ME AT LAST KENDRA: IF HE DOES IT AND I LET HIM,
ALL: I’M GETTING READY ALRIGHT. NOTHING CAN STOP ME TONIGHT LUCY: YOU’RE A FLIRT.
BRETT: (tongue babble noises) TONIBALUBLUABLUALBLA KENDRA: RIGHT. BUT IF HE WANTS TO AND I STOP HIM,
ALL: I’M GETTING READY! READY! READY! LUCY: YOU’RE A TEASE.
ARCHIE: Check me out! KENDRA: YIKES! AND IF I LET HIM, AND I LIKE IT
ALL: NOW! LUCY: YOU’RE A SKANK.
KENDRA: WOW!
END OF ACT ONE. LUCY: BUT HE COULD ALSO GET HIS TONGUE STUCK DOWN YOUR THROAT!
OR TRY TO KISS SO HARD HE CHIPS ONE OF YOUR TEETH!
OR, THERE’S A MILLION OTHER WAYS IT COULD ALL GO WRONG!
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY URGE TO KISS HIM BACK IS STRONG,
YOU’VE GOT TO HOLD THAT BOY AT BAY,
STEP BACK FROM THE EDGE AND SAY:
I’M A GOOD GIRL. I DON’T DO THAT
I’M A NICE GIRL, JUST STAY AWAY
I’M A GOOD GIRL. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
IF YOU TELL HIM THAT, THEN YOU’LL BE OKAY
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(MALCOLM & EDDIE lean over to see how far BRETT has gotten.) ACT TWO
MALCOLM: (accidentally interrupting BRETT’s attempt to kiss KENDRA.) Brett…Pssst-
SCENE 8
EDDIE: (slapping MALCOLM away) Back off, you can’t rush “the tongue.”
(A sound of a flamethrower and a scream erupt from the movie. EVERYONE winces.) (The movie theater. EVAN is next to KENDRA who is next to BRETT. EDDIE and MALCOLM are
BRETT: (and now again paralyzed with fear) SHE JUST SET HIS PELVIS ON FIRE behind them with LUCY. PATRICE is on the side, with an empty seat next to her. OTHER KIDS fill the
KENDRA: THIS IS WEIRD seats. Gross sounds are heard.)
BRETT: WHAT DO I DO? ALL: AAHHHHHH!!!
KENDRA: AM I FAT? EVAN: (to the audience) Friday night. “The Bloodmaster.” I did it. Everyone got in, Brett and Kendra are
BRETT: THIS IS SO NOT ROMANTIC together, even Patrice made it. (a beat) and this movie…is disgusting.
KENDRA: HE WANTS TO BE WITH LUCY (A buzz saw. A loud crunching noise. A splat. The KIDS react. EVERYONE is briefly united by the
BRETT: THIS WAS SUCH A STUPID IDEA mutual disgust.)
KENDRA: AND SHE’S RIGHT, PATRICE: Evan, I thought you were going to sit with me?
BRETT: IF I COULD JUST EVAN: I will. I’m just saving this seat for Archie, in case he shows up.
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL PATRICE: Oh, he’s here! I saw him in the arcade. He says he’s “waiting for the perfect moment.”
BRETT: TURN MY HEAD SLIGHTLY SIDEWAYS EVAN: What?
(EVAN looks back at PATRICE, then back to the screen.) PATRICE: What’s going on?
PATRICE: AND OH, ANY MINUTE EVAN: Uh-look, I’ll be right there, okay.
HE’LL DO SOMETHING FOR ME PATRICE: (disappointed and suspicious) Okay.
DID HE JUST INVITE ME (MALCOLM & EDDIE are sitting behind BRETT and KENDRA with LUCY between them.
SO HE COULD IGNORE ME? MALCOLM tries to make his move to the tune of “Hey Kendra”.)
HE WON’T EVEN KNOW I’M GONE MALCOLM: HEY LUCY, I’VE BEEN THINKING…
(BRETT rises, trying to work up the nerve. KENDRA rises as well. They’re obscuring the view.) LUCY: …In your dreams, hobbit! I’m here for one reason. Tongue patrol.
BRETT: ANY MINUTE! (The underscore for the horror movie turns into a gentle ballad. Focus turns to BRETT, who is sitting
KENDRA: ANY MINUTE… petrified. KIDS react to the movie.)
BRETT: ANY MOMENT…
KENDRA: ANY MOMENT…
#9 – Any Minute
BRETT: IF I WANT IT…
KENDRA: IF I WANT IT… BRETT: SOMEONE GOT HIS EYELIDS TORN OFF, AND I’M SITTING HERE,
BRETT & KENDRA: IF I CLOSE MY EYES! AND I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.
BRETT: ANY MINUTE… (The KIDS scream- something gross just happened on screen.)
KENDRA: ANY MINUTE… THAT GUY JUST GOT AN AXE IN HIS THROAT
BRETT: ANY MOMENT… AND SHE’S SITTING THERE,
KENDRA: ANY MOMENT… AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M WAITING,
BRETT & KENDRA: ANY TIME! BUT OH, ANY MINUTE, I’LL BE GETTING CLOSER
(As this is going on, ARCHIE comes clomping down the aisle, wearing his ridiculous outfit, holding a AND I’LL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE…
bouquet of pitiful flowers. As BRETT and KENDRA sing “Any time!” ARCHIE accidentally, or not, (He goes to kiss KENDRA but is abruptly interrupted by the KIDS shrieking.)
crushes BRETT’s foot with his crutch on the way to his seat.) ANY MINUTE…
BRETT: Hey! KENDRA: SOMEONE GOT HIS FACE CHOPPED IN HALF,
EVAN: Archie? What are you doing? AND HE’S SITTING THERE, AND MAYBE HE DOESN’T WANT ME
ARCHIE: (handing EVAN the flowers as he maneuvers his way into the seat next to KENDRA) Thanks for (A yelp from the KIDS.)
your help, Ev, but I’ll take it from here. (EVAN sits next to ARCHIE. PATRICE raps EVAN’s shoulder.) MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING I SAID? OR MAYBE MY BREATH?
PATRICE: Evan? What were you thinking? (Something disgusting on screen- all the KIDS say “Ewww!”)
EVAN: He promised he was just gonna sit next to her! WHY DID I EAT THOSE PORK RINDS?
PATRICE: And you believed him? ‘CAUSE OH, ANY MINUTE HE COULD TURN AND KISS ME.
ARCHIE: Hi Kendra. Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom having a seizure. AND WE’LL BE WHERE WE OUGHT TO BE…ANY MINUTE…
KENDRA: What???
26 25



(LUCY grabs BRETT, pulls him to a standing position and kisses him hungrily. An astonished silence (She turns her attention immediately back to the screen, waiting for BRETT to make his move.)
from the KIDS. BRETT and LUCY stop kissing and stare at each other. BRETT rather liked it. LUCY BRETT: NO MORE TIME TO SIT ON MY BUTT
is victorious, and the two of them run off to engage in further salivary pursuits. MALCOLM and TIME TO MOVE IN, TIME TO GET STARTED
EDDIE survey the damage as EVERYONE slowly exits the theater in shock.) ARCHIE: This is it Archie.
MALCOLM: Not good. BRETT: AFTER ALL, TONIGHT IS THE TONGUE
EDDIE: Not good. IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT- NO MORE JUST HOPING
MALCOLM & EDDIE: Yeah. Not good. ARCHIE: OKAY.
(The lobby of the movie theater. PATRICE is on her cell phone as ARCHIE wait. EVAN enters.) BRETT & ARCHIE: AND SO, WATCH OUT KENDRA
SCENE 9 NOW, WATCH OUT WOMEN
NOW! NOW! NOW!
PATRICE: We’ll be waiting right outside. Thanks, Mom. (She hangs up.) It’s okay, Archie. My mom’s (All in slow motion: ARCHIE squeezes his face, closes his eyes, and goes in to kiss KENDRA. BRETT,
picking us up. at the same time, turns his head, sticks out his tongue and goes in for the kiss. EVAN sees, and as he
EVAN: What a nightmare! Now they’ll never be my friends. mouths “NOOOOO”. LUCY reaches at the exact same time, pulling KENDRA out of the way of
PATRICE: Them? That’s who you care about? Them? BRETT’s tongue. BRETT’s tongue meets the tip of ARCHIE’s nose. They both recoil with disgust, but
EVAN: What’s your problem? not before SIMON is able to snap a photo of the event.- Then flash back to real time.)
PATRICE: You invited me out, and you didn’t even talk to me. I put on this stupid dress and my mother’s ARCHIE & BRETT: Bleeeeghhhhh!!
makeup and you didn’t even look at me. BRETT: Crip-ton! Did you just try to tongue Kendra?
EVAN: What was I supposed to do? ARCHIE: Uh…(to EVAN) What’s the right answer here?
PATRICE: Anything but what you did! I should have known. EDDIE: Yo Brett! Did you just snake the cripple??
EVAN: Patrice… RICHIE: Nasty.
SIMON: (waving his cell phone) I got it on my phone!
#10 – Good Enough LUCY: This is fantastic.
ARCHIE: (to BRETT) You don’t understand. Kendra and I are on a date.
YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE AND SAID I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH ALL: What?!
I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE MY FRIEND ARCHIE: Evan set it up.
YOU WANTED TO BE COOL AND I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH ALL: What?!?
NO, LOOK, I GET IT. YOU’RE THE LATEST IN A TREND. EVAN: (nervous laugh…) Hah.. hah!
I WATCHED AS YOU DID EVERYTHING THEY ASKED YOU TO, (BRETT jumps up, ready to administer some beat-downs.)
AND FINALLY THOSE JERKS AND I AGREE BRETT: Okay, you’re both dead. Who dies first?
THEY LOOKED AT YOU AND SAID YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH ARCHIE: (pushing EVAN forward) Him.
AND YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. KENDRA: (jumping up to prevent any carnage.) Brett! Stop it!
(PATRICE storms off and ARCHIE stands there.) BRETT: (to EVAN) You’re going down! Anyone in this town so much as thinks of coming to your lame party,
ARCHIE: Well, that could have gone better. they’re going to have to deal with me. (BRETT goes to punch EVAN but KENDRA, hoping to just get back to
EVAN: This is all your fault! I told you everything not to do, and you did it. normal, stops it.) Kendra! Get out of the way! (He grabs KENDRA roughly by the wrists and tries to pull her
ARCHIE: My fault? It’s not like this worked out for me. I just got licked by Brett Sampson. out of the way.)
EVAN: Every single thing in my life is a disaster. KENDRA: Brett stop it! You’re hurting me. (struggling to get away, she kicks BRETT in the crotch. All the
ARCHIE: You’ve been in Appleton for a month. Trust me, it’ll get worse. KIDS react and KENDRA is mortified.)
EVAN: No. No! I’m gonna fix this with Patrice and fix this with Brett and you’re gonna help me. I just need a BRETT: (in exquisite pain) I’m…not…wearing …my…(He collapses to the floor)… cup.
plan. KENDRA: Come on, Lucy. Let’s get out of here! (KENDRA stomps offstage alone.)
ARCHIE: Face it, Evan. This can’t be fixed! LUCY: I’m right behind you! (She watches KENDRA go and then turns to BRETT.) So you two aren’t going
EVAN: If I don’t do anything, I’m dead! They’re gonna treat me like I’ve got some disease! (He realizes what out?
he has just said.) I’m sorry Archie. I didn’t mean it like that. BRETT: No!
ARCHIE: Right now, I think I’m doing a whole lot better than you are. (ARCHIE exits.) LUCY: So, your tongue is still available?
EVAN: Archie, wait…! Great. There goes the last person on earth that’s talking to me. I can fix this! I’m not BRETT: (tentatively) Yes?
gonna be an outcast! I’m gonna be friends with every single one of those guys or else… or else I’ll be a geek LUCY: Great!
from now until I graduate.
#11 – Being A Geek 28 27



BUT THE PEOPLE YOU INVITED ALL SHRIEK
GEEKS: GEEK! EVAN: BEING A GEEK IS THE LONLIEST THING IS THE WORLD.
EVAN: YOU FREAK! I GOTTA TELL YOU BROTHER,
GEEKS: GEEK! WHEN YOU'RE A GEEK IT'S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
EVAN: YOU’RE NOT UNIQUE! YOU'RE ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT EVERYBODY’S LAUGHING ABOUT.
GEEKS: GEEK! AND STARING IN AT THE WORLD LIKE YOU GOT LOCKED OUT.
EVAN: IT’S JUST THE LIFE OF THE GEEK! BUT WHEN YOU’RE COOL NOTHING IS WORSE, IT’S A CRIME, IT’S A CURSE.
GEEKS: WHEN YOU’RE COOL, OH, OH. (3x) IT'S THE LONELIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
EVAN: YOU CAN RALLY WHEN THE BLUES ATTACK BEING A GEEK IS THE SADDEST EVENT EVER KNOWN.
EVERY PROBLEM JUST ROLLS OFF YOUR BACK. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU CAN HANDLE EVERY SLIP AND SLIDE, WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR STRIDE AND BEING A GEEK DOESN’T GO ONCE YOU’RE GONE OR YOU’RE GROWN.
GEEKS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH, WHO-AH, WHO-AH GEEKS: TELL ME ABOUT IT BROTHER.
WHEN YOURE COOL, OH OH. (3x) EVAN: THE GIRLS ALL ROLL THEIR EYES AND WALK AWAY WHEN YOU GET CLOSE.
EVAN: WHEN YOU’RE COOL, YOU DON’T CARE THAT PEOPLE DISAPPEAR. YOU'VE GOT TO FATAL DISEASE NO ONE CAN DIAGNOSE
YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOUR DAD’S NOT HERE. IT’S CONTAGIOUS, IT’S VIRAL, IT’S A DOWNWARD SPIRAL
YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOUR LIFE’S BEEN THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD
UPROOTED AND BENT WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT BUT WHEN YOU’RE COOL, WHEN YOU’RE COOL YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT A CROWD
GEEKS: OH… YOU CAN BREAK THE RULES AND YOU’RE ALLOWED
EVAN: A GEEK’S AFRAID IT’S NEVER GONNA BE OKAY. YOU CAN SWAY THE GANG IN ANY DIRECTION
BUT THE COOL KID KNOW IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY YOU’VE GOT A HIGH SPEED CONNECTION
IT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING FINE AT THIRTEEN WHEN YOU’RE COOL, YOU’RE THE EPITOME OF CHARM AND GRACE
AND THE LONLIEST THING… WHEN YOU SEE THAT GIRL YOU WANT TO CHASE
I SAID THE LONLIEST THING… IF YOU’RE COOL YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT A SHOT
I KNOW IT’S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD. BUT OH, IF YOUR’E NOT
GEEKS: GEEK, GEEK. IT’S A WASTE, IT’S A DRAG
GEEK, GEEK. IT’S YUCK IN A BAG.
GEEK, GEEK- IT’S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD
HMM GEEKS: GEEK, GEEK
SCENE 10 GEEK, GEEK,
GEEK, GEEK, WHOA-OH
(Back at school, in the hallway between periods. MALCOLM and EDDIE have been waiting for GEEK, GEEK
BRETT to arrive.) GEEK, GEEK,
EDDIE: This is bad. GEEK, GEEK
MALCOLM: This is real bad. EVAN: OH YEAH, IT’S LIKE A COLD WIND BLOWING, YEAH.
EDDIE: This is the bad that bad thinks is bad. (BRETT enters sheepishly.) Yo Brett! GEEKS: WHOA-OH
MALCOLM: Why weren’t you at practice today? RICHIE: IF YOU LIKE THE WRONG MOVIES,
EDDIE: Coach just said, “why bother practicing without Brett?” So instead we watched a movie called “God IF YOU LIKE THE WRONG BANDS,
Doesn’t Want You to Do That….or That… and Especially Not That!”. IF YOU TAKE THE WRONG CLASSES, DON’T SPEAK!
BRETT: Well… GEEKS: YOU’RE A GEEK!
MALCOLM: I texted you this morning, but you didn’t hit me back. SIMON: IF IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PLANS,
BRETT: Well, see… ‘CAUSE YOU SPENT THE PAST WEEK LEARNING GREEK-
EDDIE: What’s up with you? GEEKS: YOU’RE A GEEK!
BRETT: Okay, the thing is… DUNCAN: IF YOU’RE VERY WELL ACQUAINTED WITH THE LOCKER ROOM TOILET
MALCOLM & EDDIE: What? ‘CAUSE YOUR HEAD’S BEEN SHOVED INSIDE IT, JUST SQUEAK
LUCY: (from offstage) Brett! GEEKS: “I’M A GEEK!”
(MALCOLM & EDDIE turn to see where the voice is coming from, then turn back knowing.) EVAN: IF YOU START TO GET EXCITED ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA THROW A PARTY,
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LUCY: Wait! Were you flirting with her? MALCOLM & EDDIE: Ohhhhh…
BRETT: I was just saying hi. BRETT: Guys…I’ll be right back.
LUCY: Oh, so you’re saying she’s hot? MALCOLM: Brett, don’t do it! Save yourself!
BRETT: No! I mean, she’s fine. LUCY: BRETT!
LUCY: Oh, so you’re saying I’m fat! EDDIE: Run man! Get outa here!
BRETT: What?! I never said that! (School bell. LUCY enters, now the undisputed queen of the school. She goes right for BRETT. He
LUCY: (near tears) You never say anything about how amazing I look anymore. You hate me don’t you! (She looks for an escape, but she engulfs him and, showing off as KIDS pass by.)
runs off.) LUCY: Oh, there you are! (taking his arm) Guess what we’re going to do this weekend?
BRETT: Oh, man, not again. (yelling after her) Lucy! I’m sorry! Put down the donut! (He exits.) BRETT: I thought I’d just hang with my boys…
RICHIE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR FRIEND’S LIFE’S AT STAKE? LUCY: No. Here’s what we’re going to do this weekend. Go to the mall, buy new shoes, get a mani-pedi…
BEN: MAN, HE’S FLIPPED BRETT: Yeah…I think I’ll just hang with my boys.
SIMON: NO, HE’S WHIPPED LIKE THE CREAM ON A CAKE! LUCY: Oh. Okay. If you’d rather be with them, I guess that means you don’t want me anymore.
EDDIE: WHAT CAN WE SAY? BRETT: That’s not what I—
DUNCAN: HE WON’T TALK! LUCY: And if you don’t want me, then you obviously don’t want the tongue anymore. (She starts to exit.)
BRAYDEN: HE WON’T PLAY! BRETT: I never said that! (He chases after LUCY. MALCOLM & EDDIE watch in shock and horror.)
BOYS: HOW CAN ONE TONGUE DESTROY A WHOLE TEAM? MALCOLM: Did you see that?
THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS EDDIE: Brett’s gone to the dark side.
BAD NEWS MALCOLM: He’s totally whipped.
BEN: SHE’S LIKE A SNAKE EDDIE: Tongue whipped.
QUINTON: SHE’S LIKE A COCKROACH MALCOLM: She’s a little diva devil. Why is she doing this to us?
DUNCAN: SHE’S LIKE A COW! EDDIE: If I live to be twenty, I’ll never understand women!
(They all look at him confused.)
DUNCAN: A skinny cow. #12 – Bad Bad News
BOYS: WOW SHE IS BAD, BAD NEWS, BAD NEWS
WE’VE BEEN ABANDONED, LEFT IN THE SAND, AND WHO ARE WE NOW? MALCOLM: WHAT IS A MAN WHEN HE GIVES UP HIS SOUL,
HE FELL FOR A MUTT WITH A FABULOUS BUTT FOR A LICK FROM A CHICK WHO COMPLETELY TAKES CONTROL.
BUT SHE’S BAD, BAD NEWS RICHIE: Tell the tale!
(The BOYS pace the stage trying to think of a solution.) EDDIE: HOW DOES A MAN WHO CAN SEE BEHIND HIS HEAD
QUINTON: Perhaps there is a way we can dispose of her? TURN AS BLIND AS A BAT WITH NO EYES?
(More pacing.) RICHIE: WHAT IS A MAN WHEN HE TURNS ON HIS FRIENDS
BEN: Maybe she can “meet with an accident”? (The BOYS ponder the possibilities.) WE’VE BEEN TOSSED, NOW WE’RE LOST, JUST A PLATTER OF BURNT ENDS
BRAYDEN: WE HAVE GOT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT SHE’S NOT WELCOME HERE BEN: I feel ya!
THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY WE CAN FIND! SIMON: HOW DO WE MAKE OUR HERO WIDE AWAKE,
BEN: WE CAN GO TRAIN A PITBULL TO CHEW ON HER FLESH! SO THAT HE CAN REALIZE?
DUNCAN: I DON’T THINK THEY ATTACK THEIR OWN KIND. BOYS: THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS, BAD NEWS
RICHIE: WE COULD TORTURE HER MOTHER AND CHOP UP HER DOG NOTHING BUT TEARS, NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, NOTHING BUT STRESS
SIMON: TO BE HONEST, I DON’T THINK SHE’D MIND YES SHE IS BAD, BAD NEWS
MALCOLM: I COULD RIP OFF HER POCKETBOOK, LOOK, IT’S A START OUR BUDDY BRETT IS GONNA REGRET THAT HE EVER SAID YES
EDDIE: DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH HER HEART, IF SHE JUST HAD A HEART THE GIRL MAY BE HOT BUT ALL THAT HE’S GOT IS
BOYS: THE LONGER IT GOES, THE WORSE IT’LL GET BAD, BAD NEWS
SO SOMEBODY’S GOT TO TELL BRETT BRAYDEN: Here he comes! Act cool!
MALCOLM: YEAH! (BRETT and LUCY enter, she is blabbering, and he is annoyed.)
BOYS: THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS LUCY: So I’m all, “Mom! I’ve been going out with him for four days! Of COURSE we’re going to get
BAD NEWS married!”
BOYS: SHE TOOK OUR PAL, SHE TOOK OUR LEADER CASSIE: (Strolling by) Hi Brett.
AND LET HIM ASTRAY BRETT: (casually) Oh, hey Cassie.
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PATRICE: Forget it. Evan’s on his own. HEY, HEY
ARCHIE: So that’s it? He’s gonna get slaughtered and you really don’t care at all? SHE’S TOTALLY BAD, BAD NEWS
PATRICE: Don’t care. BAD NEWS
ARCHIE: Great. EDDIE: (riffing) BAD NEWS
PATRICE: Not interested. BOYS: LISTEN UP BRETT, YOU’RE NOT RUINED YET
ARCHIE: Okay. WE’LL SHOW YOU THE WAY
PATRICE: You know I’m going, don’t you. THROW HER UNDER THE BUS AND COME BACK TO US
ARCHIE: Yup. QUINTON: EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS EXCELLENT SHOES
PATRICE: I hate you. ALL: SHE IS BAD, BAD BAD BAD,
ARCHIE: I know. BAD, BAD, BAD BAD NEWS!
BAD NEWS!
SCENE 11 (EVAN and ARCHIE have entered just in time to hear what is going on. All of the BOYS except
EDDIE and MALCOLM exit dejectedly.)
(BRETT enters as ARCHIE and PATRICE exit. The boys locker room. He looks around to make sure EVAN: Did you hear that? Those guys are suffering. And Brett’s suffering. If I can get Brett to dump Lucy
no one is looking then he gets on his knees and clasps his hands in prayer, a bit uncertain which is the and get back together with Kendra, I’m the hero!
best way to do it.) ARCHIE: Evan, is this wise? Let me rephrase that: Evan, this isn’t wise.
BRETT: Okay, she’s gonna destroy me. But she’s hot. But I hate her. But she’s hot. God, can you help me? EVAN: This is my chance to win them back. I have to do this! (yelling to MALCOLM & EDDIE) Hey!
MALCOLM: Yo Brett! Malcolm! Eddie!
(BRETT looks shocked as if God is talking to him. Then he realizes with disappointment that ARCHIE: No, Evan, don’t!
MALCOLM and EDDIE have entered, dragging EVAN with them.) (MALCOLM & EDDIE approach. ARCHIE lets out a yelp and throws himself face first against the
BRETT: What’s he doing here? wall.)
EDDIE: Brett, the Brain has something he wants to say, and we think you really need to listen. EVAN: Take me to Brett!
(BRETT looks at them with fury in his eyes and steps towards them.) EDDIE: Are you suicidal? After what happened at “The Bloodmaster”? Brett wants to destroy you.
EDDIE: (turning to EVAN) You’re on your own dude. (MALCOLM and EDDIE run off.) EVAN: Listen, I can help Brett get rid of Lucy and get Kendra back!
BRETT: You’re the one who messed me up with Kendra in the first place! Why should I listen to you? In fact, MALCOLM: How?
why should you even live? EDDIE: How?
EVAN: Okay, but there’s a way to fix everything so that everyone can be happy again. You have to dump ARCHIE: (muffled, his face buried in the wall.) Yeah, how?
Lucy and get Kendra back. EVAN: Just take me to him!
BRETT: (grabbing EVAN by the shirt and lifting him off the ground) Fine. Tell me what to do. You’ve got ten (Unseen by everyone, ARCHIE takes out his phone and starts texting furiously.)
seconds! EDDIE: Alright, hold up. (to MALCOLM, ignoring EVAN, while talking over him.) Are you thinking what
(PATRICE enters, and stands back, watching) I’m thinking?
EVAN: Okay, its simple, really. (panicking) You just go to Kendra and you… uhm. MALCOLM: That if you hold your breath until you almost choke a little pee comes out?
BRETT: Five, four, two… EDDIE: No. I’m thinking: What have we got to lose?
EVAN: Okay, you just go to Kendra, and you… MALCOLM: (to EDDIE, catching on) Ahhh, okay. (to EVAN) If you’re right, we get Brett back .
PATRICE: (finishing EVAN’S sentence because it’s clear that he can’t) ...Talk to her. EDDIE: Yeah. And if you’re wrong we get to beat you up.
(BRETT drops EVAN and turns to face PATRICE. EVAN is taken aback as well, but goes with it.) EVAN: Alright, let’s do this. (to ARCHIE) Wish me luck! (EVAN leaves with EDDIE & MALCOLM.)
EVAN: Yeah, just go up to Kendra and talk to her! PATRICE: (entering) Archie! I got your text. What’s (looking at her phone and spelling) “CQDBTIOE”?
BRETT: I needed YOU to tell me that? ARCHIE: Come quick, danger beckons, time is our enemy. Duh!
PATRICE: Ugh! Boys are so stupid, no wonder you’re not girls! Can’t you just talk from the heart? Tell her PATRICE: What is it Archie?
how you really feel? ARCHIE: You have to help Evan. Now!
PATRICE: Why?
#13 – Tell Her ARCHIE: I think Brett might kill him. Actually, no, I’m pretty sure of it.
PATRICE: What do you want me to do?
BRETT: Like what? ARCHIE: Go! Run! Be my legs!
EVAN: (a realization) Like… PATRICE: And what are you going to be doing?
TELL HER YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, ARCHIE: Hiding, weeping, cowering, the usual.
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SCENE 12 TELL HER YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT AT NIGHT.
TELL HER ALTHOUGH YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE,
KENDRA: I thought you were my friend! YOU WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT.
LUCY: I don’t need friends, I got Brett! BRETT: Okay, but this is starting to sound a little cheesy.
KENDRA: Yeah, because you stole him! TELL HER YOU KNOW YOU AREN’T PERFECT.
LUCY: I won. You lost. Get over it. TELL HER YOU’VE WAITED WAY TOO LONG.
KENDRA: You are so selfish! (KENDRA lunges at LUCY. They go at each other. BRETT runs in.) TELL HER YOU’RE SORRY, TELL HER YOU MEAN IT,
BRETT: Okay, Stop! TELL HER YOU JUST WERE WRONG.
LUCY: Good. Brett, you’re here. BRETT: This is good stuff. I should write this down. (He grabs a pen and starts writing on his hand.)
KENDRA: Both of you just go away forever. PATRICE: TELL HER SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE IGNORED YOU,
BRETT: No, Kendra. Lucy, you go away. OR DISSED YOU IN FRONT OF ALL THE SCHOOL.
LUCY: What?! TELL HER THE MINUTE SHE GOT OUT OF TOUCH,
BRETT: Kendra is the one I want. YOU FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
KENDRA: What?! TELL HER THAT STUDYING TOGETHER
LUCY: (devastated) What? WAS SO NICE, YOU PRAYED IT WOULDN’T END.
BRETT: It’s over Lucy. Just go. (LUCY storms out-making noise the whole time.) Can everyone please just (BRETT looks up, thinks “Studying together?”, then decides to go with it.)
go? I need to talk to Kendra. SAY YOU FORGIVE HER, SAY YOU WERE JEALOUS
(ALL slowly exit, SIMON filming on his phone the whole time until RICHIE yanks him offstage. ASK IF SHE’LL BE YOUR FRIEND.
BRETT turns to KENDRA and suddenly he is blank. He freezes and panics, then he remembers what (BRETT has run out of room and is now writing on his ankle.)
EVAN sang to PATRICE. He tries to read from his notes.) EVAN & PATRICE: TELL HER THAT PEOPLE GET THINGS WRONG,
BRETT: Umm… CAUSE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID THEY WON’T FIT IN YOUR WORLD OR IN YOUR LIFE.
TELL ME I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BUT THINGS WILL WORK OUT FINE IF SHE WILL ONLY LISTEN.
TELL ME I WISH I HAD A…(He can’t read what he wrote.) PATRICE: TELL HER THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED
I DON’T KNOW, BUT I KNOW I LIKE YOU. EVAN: TELL HER THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED
(a beat, then nervously.) Did that work? PATRICE: WAS MAYBE
KENDRA: Did that work? You bet it did! (They embrace and run off together as LUCY is revealed.) EVAN & PATRICE: A SMILE OR A GLANCE.
EVAN: TELL HER YOUR SORRY.
SCENE 13 PATRICE: TELL HER YOU MEAN IT.
EVAN & PATRICE: ASK FOR ANOTHER CHANCE.
LUCY: (Slowly with rage) Umm NO. I don’t think so. (She pulls out her cell phone and begins her revenge.) TELL HER YOU JUST WANT ANOTHER CHANCE.
(BRETT watches them, trying to figure out if they are finally finished.)
#14 – It Can’t Be True EVAN: (to PATRICE) I’m sorry. I mean it.
PATRICE: I still hate you.
MOLLY: (entering) Oh hey, Lucy? What’s up? (BRETT doesn’t know whether to write this down, EVAN and PATRICE are staring intently at each
LUCY: Check this out. I just got the juiciest text from Charlotte who told me the nastiest thing about Kendra. other. Suddenly, MOLLY comes running on followed by a group of kids.)
MOLLY: Kendra? No! …What? MOLLY: Hey Brett! Lucy and Kendra are clawing each other’s eyes out over you! It’s nasty ugly! You gotta
LUCY: Alright, I’ll tell you. But you can’t believe Charlotte, I mean we all know one thing for sure… stop them!
EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE EVAN: This is your chance, Brett. Go make it happen.
IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE! BRETT: Alright, Brain. If this works, we’ll be at your party!
EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER! #13a – Transition
CAUSE SHE SAID SHE SAW
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MALL (BRETT runs out, heroically, pushing past KIDS as he goes, through the hallway to where LUCY and
STANDING FACE TO FACE KENDRA are.)
LAUGHING, AND TALKING, AND HOLDING HANDS
SLURPING ALL THE WAY TO FIRST BASE!
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LUCY: She said she wanted to thank you. But, I can tell her no, I just thought since we were all friends now… BUT EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
EVAN: No, no. I’ll go. It’s just kind of weird that you’re the one asking me and not her. YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
LUCY: Geez! You don’t trust anyone. That’s the problem with your people. Five o’clock. The Dairy Queen. MOLLY: No way! Kendra and Evan?
(MOLLY, CASSIE, CHARLOTTE, and LUCY each have a small group of LISTENERS to sing to.
LUCY: Yep.
Among them is EDDIE and MALCOLM.)
CHARLOTTE: EVERYTHING CASSIE SAYS IS A LIE MOLLY: But what about Brett?
CASSIE: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS IS A LIE LUCY: I know! It’s crazy! But really, really, really, don’t say anything.
LUCY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS MOLLY: Of course not! I won’t say a word. (She leaves LUCY and pulls out her cellphone.)
GIRLS: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE CASSIE: YELLO?
MOLLY: MAKING UP STORIES, I DON’T KNOW WHY MOLLY: CASSIE?
GIRLS: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER LUCY: CHARLOTTE!
LUCY: SO DON’T THINK NOTHING, CASSIE & CHARLOTTE: YO!
CHARLOTTE: SHE JUST TOLD ME MOLLY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
MOLLY: SHE SAID SHE SAW LUCY: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS,
GIRLS: KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE GAME, MOLLY & LUCY: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE
AND THEY VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE. MOLLY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
LISTENERS: Yeah? LUCY: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS IS A LIE
LATER SHE FOUND THEM NEXT TO THE TRACK FIELD MOLLY & LUCY: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
PLAYING A GAME OF TONGUE CHASE! MOLLY: CAUSE I JUST HEARD THAT—
ALL: HOLY MACK-A-ROLY-OH, IT CAN’T BE TRUE! MOLLY & LUCY: SHE SAID SHE SAW—
THERE’S AN AWFUL LOT OF TROUBLE THEY CAN GET IN TO! MOLLY: KENDRA AND EVAN ON THEIR BIKES
AND OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT BRETT WOULD DO HAVING A LITTLE RACE!
IF HE HEARD THAT KIND OF A RUMOR? LUCY: MOLLY SAW KENDRA AT THE PARK
(PATRICE and ARCHIE find themselves in the middle of the song hearing the rumor grow.) LETTING EVAN GET UP IN HER FACE
ARCHIE: Did you hear that? MOLLY: BUT EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
PATRICE: Who would start a rumor about Kendra and Evan being together? MOLLY & LUCY: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
ARCHIE & PATRICE: Lucy! GIRLS: HOLY MACAROLI-O, IT CAN’T BE TRUE
PATRICE: We’ve got to warn him! NO, YOU CAN’T REPEAT A SINGLE WORD I’M TELLING YOU
ARCHIE: He said he was going to go to the Dairy Queen. AND OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT BRETT WOULD DO
PATRICE: Come on! IF HE HEARD THAT KIND OF A RUMOR
(Focus shifts to another part of the stage where EDDIE & MALCOLM are confronting BRETT while (LUCY hangs up the phone as KENDRA appears.)
the GIRLS and SIMON & RICHIE watch.) LUCY: Kendra, let’s not fight. You won Brett fair and square – I was wrong, okay? And I miss my best
EDDIE: EVERYTHING KENDRA SAYS IS A LIE! friend.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE KENDRA: Aw, Lucy, I miss you too.
MALCOLM: DOING THE TONGUE WITH SOME OTHER GUY, LUCY & KENDRA: HUG!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT KENDRA: You’re really not mad?
ALL: CAUSE HE SAID SHE SAW LUCY: Nope! Not mad at you. Not mad at Brett. Not mad at Evan…
SHE SAID SHE SAW KENDRA: Why would you be mad at Evan?
HE SAID HE SAW LUCY: Well, it was Evan that convinced Brett to dump me and go back to you. You actually owe Evan a big
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MALL thank-you.
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE PARK KENDRA: Really? What should I do?
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE LAKE LUCY: Let me think. (and then immediately) I know! I’ll arrange a get-together with you and Evan, so you
can thank him!
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MOVIES
KENDRA: Really? Is that weird?
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE ZOO LUCY: Tell you what: you be at the Dairy Queen at five o’clock. Then leave the rest to me.
LUCY: (running in) AND I JUST SAW THEM, RIGHT NOW! (LUCY now turns and is in front of EVANS house talking to EVAN)
BRETT: Where? EVAN: …And why does Kendra want to meet me?

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EVAN: I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out. You know what? (finally enraged, EVAN shoves LUCY: At the Dairy Queen!
BRETT on each “want” of the preceding line.) I don’t WANT you to come to my party! I don’t WANT you to BRETT: Get out of my way!
be my friend! And I don’t ever WANT you to talk to me again! (with definite finality) You suck, Brett! (BRETT runs off towards the Dairy Queen, and the KIDS follow.)
(BRETT punches EVAN in the face. EVAN crumples to the ground and PATRICE runs to his side.) KIDS: (shouting) Fight! Fight! Fight!..
PATRICE: Evan!
BRETT: Who sucks now? (to KENDRA) Have fun with your new friends, Kendra. SCENE 14
KENDRA: Brett! No!
BRETT: Come on Lucy. (Scene shifts to show KENDRA meeting up with EVAN at the Dairy Queen. She is trying to remain perky, but
LUCY: I’m right behind you Brett. he isn’t comfortable.)
(BRETT heads off with most of the KIDS following.)
KENDRA: So! Hi!
KENDRA: I didn’t do anything!
EVAN: So. Hi.
LUCY: You gotta watch out in this town. People starts the nastiest rumors.
KENDRA: Soooo, thank you for getting Brett to come back to me.
ARCHIE: Kendra…
EVAN: You’re welcome.
KENDRA: What?
KENDRA: Oooooooooooookay.
ARCHIE: For what it’s worth, I think you can do better than Brett.
EVAN: Okay.
KENDRA: You’re sweet Arnie.
KENDRA: Thank you hug? (She tentatively goes toward him)
ARCHIE: Archie.
EVAN: Oh, wow. Hug. Sure. (They hug very awkwardly)
KENDRA: Archie. Thank you. (She gives him a kiss on the cheek, then she looks at the company she is
(BRETT crashes in with all the KIDS, sees EVAN and KENDRA.)
keeping, panics, then runs offstage yelling.) Brett! No! Wait!
BRETT: Unreal!
ARCHIE: (watching her go.) Wow. She really is a moron.
KENDRA: Brett!
(PATRICE helps EVAN to a sitting position. He is still in pain from BRETT’s punch.)
BRETT: (pushing KENDRA aside roughly) Step away from her, man.
PATRICE: I know you’re in intense pain right now, but someone needed to say that to Brett a long time ago.
KENDRA: We weren’t doing anything.
EVAN: Glad I could help. Ow.
(BRETT steps closer and closer to EVAN with each line until he is in his face.)
ARCHIE: You just totally sealed your fate here.
EVAN: Brett, it’s not what you think!
EVAN: I know.
BRETT: Is that my girlfriend?
PATRICE: Like forever.
EVAN: Yeah—
EVAN: I know.
BRETT: Were you touching her?
ARCHIE: Grab a crutch.
EVAN: Yeah, but—
PATRICE: You’re stuck with us now.
BRETT: It’s what I think. (BRETT is now directly in EVAN’s face, but EVAN stands tall.)
EVAN: You told me six weeks ago what jerks those guys were, and I just didn’t listen! I should have trusted
EVAN: Brett, this is crazy! Why would I try something with Kendra after I was the one who got you two back
you.
together!?
PATRICE: You know what? It just passed.
(ARCHIE and PATRICE rush in and stop at the edge of the crowd.)
EVAN: What did.
BRETT: (refusing to acknowledge the question) You’re not gonna talk your way outta this, we all saw what
PATRICE: Me hating you.
you did. Go on back to your loser friends. They’re the only ones coming to your lame party anyways.
EVAN: Thanks.
EVAN: (a realization) Wait. You were never gonna come. Were you?
ARCHIE: You okay, Ev?
BRETT: Duh! Like I’m gonna be stuck with that bunch of freaks. (gesturing to PATRICE & ARCHIE)
EVAN: Since the day I got here, I’ve been driving myself and everyone else crazy so I could
MALCOLM: As if.
have…something I didn’t even want. Forget it. I’m just gonna call my Bar Mitzvah off.
(EVERYONE laughs.)
PATRICE: Why?
EVAN: You’d be lucky to be stuck with these freaks! You don’t deserve to hang with my friends.
EVAN: What’s the point? It won’t be what I planned. It’ll just be “Losers-R-Us.” No offense. What’s the
BRETT: The geek and the cripple? Yeah, lucky me.
point of that. What’s the point of anything?
(ALL laugh again.)
#15 – If That’s What It Is EVAN: You’re such a jerk.
ALL: Ooooooh! (gasp, adlibs, etc as the KIDS take a step back.)
BRETT: Did you just call me a jerk?
ARCHIE: Okay…
IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
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PATRICE: THE CHOICES THAT YOU MADE THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS
EVAN: AND THE CHANCES THAT I TOOK YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT TO JUST FORGET IT
PATRICE: THE CHANCES THAT YOU— LETS FACE IT YOU’VE WORKED SO HARD AND NOW YOU’RE SCARRED
(EVAN leans in and suddenly kisses PATRICE. They stop abruptly. Awkward moment, then they both AND FREE OF ANY HOPE
smile at each other and then hold hands.) I GUESS YOU SHOULD MOPE
ARCHIE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS FORGET WHAT YOU’VE PLANNED
THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
AT LEAST UNTIL DISNEY CAN RE-WRITE IT IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
WE PUT OUR SHOES AND SOCKS AND TAKE THE KNOCKS THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS
AND WISH THAT IT WOULD CHANGE THOUGH THAT’S NOT THE WAY I CHOOSE TO SEE IT
PATRICE: AND MAYBE IT WILL I HAVE MY OWN VIEW THAT WORKS WITH ALL THESE JERKS
EVAN: AND MAYBE IT CAN AND UNENLIGHTENED FOOLS
ARCHIE: UNTIL THEN YOU TRUST THAT ALL THIS IS JUST BECOMING A MAN I MAKE MY OWN RULES, I DO WHAT I CAN
PATRICE: YOU TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT IF I HIT THE WALL THEN MAYBE IT’S ALL JUST PART OF THE PLAN
ALL THREE: CAUSE LOOK WHAT YOU’VE GOT TOMORROW WILL COME, TODAY WILL BE GONE
PATRICE: GO ON AND PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND SO I PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
EVAN: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
ARCHIE: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON
EVAN: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER PATRICE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
ARCHIE: THE CRIP, THE GEEK, THE JEW AND HIS MOTHER ARCHIE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
PATRICE: AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON PATRICE: WHAT ALSO IS TRUE
ARCHIE: WHAT ALSO IS TRUE
SCENE 15 PATRICE & ARCHIE: IS IT MAY NOT ALWAYS BE DISASTER
PATRICE: I REALIZE THAT NOW IT IS BUT HOW IT IS
EVAN: The amazing thing was my Bar Mitzvah wasn’t completely empty. Patrice and Archie were there. My ISN’T HOW IT’S GOT BE
Aunt Jessie and Uncle Phil came from Florida, and my Dad came. Which was good, I guess. And he and mom ANOTHER DAY COMES, ANOTHER DAY GOES
sat behind me and I even caught them holding hands. And for a couple of minutes, it felt like we were a family AND IF I GET TEASED OR HURT OR LIED TO OR PUNCHED IN THE NOSE
again. I SAY I WON’T CRY, I CRY UNTIL DAWN
AND THEN I PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
#16 – A Little More Homework To Do PATRICE & ARCHIE: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
PATRICE: AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON
EVAN: IF YOU STAND HERE BEHIND ME EVAN: I’M BECOMING A MAN
AND YOU CALL ME A MAN MAYBE ALL THAT IT MEANS IS
AND YOU’RE COUNTING ON ME TO COME THROUGH I FACE THE WORLD FOR WHAT IT IS
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I’LL GIVE YOU THE BEST THAT I CAN AND NOT WHAT I WISH IT COULD BE
BUT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO I’M BECOMING A MAN
BEN: IF YOU’RE WALKING BESIDE ME WANTING EVERYTHING FALL INTO PLACE
AND YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS I SWING, I MISS
YOU SHOULD KNOW I’M DEPENDING ON YOU I’LL GET THROUGH THIS
SO YOU GOTTA HANG IN THERE TILL THE WHOLE STORY ENDS I ALMOST GUARANTEE
CAUSE WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO ONE DAY I’LL BE THIRTY
DUNCAN: CAUSE I’VE BEEN LOOKING IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR THE ANSWERS ONE DAY I’LL BE FINE
HOPING THE BELL WOULDN’T CHIME ONE DAY I’LL MAKE FUN OF THIS DRAMATIC LIFE OF MINE
BUT I’M NOT READY TO PUT DOWN MY PENCIL JUST SET ONE DAY I’LL BE OLDER
THERE ARE TOO MANY ANSWERS THAT I DIDN’T GET AND THEN I’LL WRITE A BOOK
I NEED A LITTLE LESS PRESSURE AND A LITTLE MORE TIME ABOUT THE CHOICES THAT I MADE
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ALL: AND I’M A LITTLE BIT BRAVER AVA: I’M TRYING TO FOLLOW
A LITTLE BIT BROADER I’M TRYING TO LEAD
A LITTLE BIT BRIGHTER I’M TRYING TO FIND WHAT IS TRUE
A LITTLE BIT ADDY: BUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO STAND WITH ME
ARCHIE: I turned 13 and I had to have spinal cord surgery. Man, that sucked. THEN YOU HAVE TO CONCEDE
ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY TURNS TO DAY THAT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
AVERY: I discovered that Hip-Hop is my passion! JUNA: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY TURNS TO DAY TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
BRETT: I got dumped! YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OLDER
KAITLYN: AND I’VE BEEN LOOKING IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR THE ANSWERS A LITTLE BIT TALLER
HOPING THE BELL WOULDN’T CHIME A LITTLE BIT BETTER
DUNCAN: I won the science fair! A LITTLE BIT
SYDNEY CONRAD: BUT I’M NOT READY TO PUT DOWN MY PENCIL JUST YET AUDREY: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
RILEY: THERE ARE TOO MANY ANSWERS THAT I DIDN’T GET AND THE DAYS BEFORE ALL GO TOO FAST
SYDNEY MORGAN: I NEED A LITTLE LESS PRESSURE YOU CAN’T HOLD ON
ALL: AND A LITTLE MORE TIME SO, YOU GO
I’M TRYING TO FOLLOW, I’M TRYING TO LEAD JUNA/AUDREY/AVA/ADDY: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO
I’M TRYING TO LEARN WHAT IS TRUE DAY TURNS, TO DAY
I’M TRYING TO BE WHAT YOU WANT AND I NEED LAUREN: I’M A LITTLE BIT OLDER
BUT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK A LITTLE BIT STRONGER
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK A LITTLE BIT SMARTER
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO A LITTLE BIT
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY ALL ON STAGE: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY ANNA: AND THE DAYS AHEAD COMING ON SO QUICK
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF THE WAY, KEEP RUNNING
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY ALL: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY AND I’M A LITTLE BIT OLDER
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO A LITTLE BIT FASTER
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY A LITTLE BIT CLOSER
(The KIDS have been fading away. EVAN turns to the audience.) A LITTLE BIT
EVAN: My name is Evan Goldman. I live at 24 Plains Drive, Appleton, Indiana. I’m 13 years old. And I’m DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
just getting started. AND THE SKY GOES BLUE
AND THE SKY GOES BLACK
#17 – Brand New You AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
YOU CAN’T GO BACK
SCENE 16 YOU GO DAY INTO DAY INTO DAY
EVAN: I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I moved from New York City to the middle of nowhere.
SYDNEY MORGAN: I SAW THE COVER AND I JUDGE THE BOOK ALL: DAY INTO DAY INTO DAY
I TURNED AWAY WITHOUT A SECOND LOOK PATRICE: I turned 13 and I kissed a boy!
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU KENDRA: I turned 13 and I signed a True Love Waits pledge.
RILEY: I TOLD MYSELF I BETTER RUN AND HIDE ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY,
I NEVER NOTICED WHAT WAS THERE INSIDE TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU LUCY: I learned that spreading rumors, kills friendships.
AND I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM LOVING EVERY ITTY BITTY THING YOU DO BRAYDEN: I got busted for driving my dad’s pick up!
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ALL: HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
SYDNEY CONRAD: I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE I WAS MEANT TO BE
I FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE THERE FOR ME
ALL: BUT NOW, NOW, NOW
SYDNEY CONRAD: I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
ALL: YOU, YOU! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
GWYNETH & CHLOE: I NEVER KNEW THAT YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!
GWYNETH & CHLOE: BUT I LOOKED UP AND YOU REACHED OUT YOUR HAND
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
ALL: I OPENED MY EYES, OOH
KAITLYN: AND THERE’S A GREAT BIG WORLD AROUND
ALL: I OPENED MY EYES
KAITLYN: AND JUST LOOK, JUST LOOK
LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND!
GIRLS: NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
ALL: NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA
HEY! YEAH!
I OPEN MY EYES
MADDIE: AND THERE’S A GREAT, BIG WORLD AROUND
ALL: I OPEN MY EYES
MADDIE: AND JUST LOOK, JUST LOOK, LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND!
ALL: HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU! HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU! HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!

#18 – Bows

THE END

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