The art of communicating- thich

We communicate using two kinds of speech: nourishing and toxic speech.

From personal relationships to multibillion dollar business deals, healthy communication is vital. But what
exactly is “healthy” communication?

It's best to think of communication like food. Some of it is nourishing, and some is toxic and poisonous.

Nourishing speech is understanding and positive, while toxic speech fills people with negative emotions
like anger and frustration.

Imagine you're waiting for feedback on a project, when your boss comes in and says, “This is absolutely
terrible. You're a useless waste of space.” That would certainly be toxic speech.

On the other hand, if she said, “I think there are some things we could improve here,” that would be
nourishing speech. You could use it constructively.

So, how can you work more on your nourishing speech, and develop a healthier communication style?

The first step is to understand your own way of communication. You have to practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness means fully concentrating on yourself, your body and your breathing. It allows you to
communicate clearly without judgement.

When you're in a mindful state, you'll feel detached, which allows you to examine your communication
objectively. You'll realize some things you might want to say are toxic, so you'll be able to stop yourself
before you say them.

Mindfulness also helps you become immune to the toxic speech of others. When you're being mindful, you
can judge people less. You will understand them, and see that their toxic speech really is a result of their
suffering. You'll feel more compassionate, so you’ll know not to take their hurtful words personally.
So, to make sure your conversations are healthy and nourishing, practice being mindful.

If you want to communicate well with others, you have to communicate with yourself first.

You probably spend a good portion of your day communicating with others, whether it's in person or
online. But how much time do you spend communicating with yourself? Probably very little.

Communicating with yourself is essential for mindfulness, which means it's also essential for healthy
communication.

You communicate with yourself when you listen to your own mind and body. It can be as simple as sitting
down and concentrating on your breathing.

When you do this, you'll be able to focus completely on the moment, not the past or the future. Just you,
your health and your emotional state at the time.

This is especially helpful when you're suffering, because the reasons for our suffering are not always
immediately apparent. You'll get more in tune with what's wrong in your mind or body.

When you master the art of communicating with yourself, you'll get better at communicating with others in
a nourishing way. Understanding your own thinking allows you to understand it in others.

Picture, for example, a person who is unhappy and feels unable to improve her state. Let’s say she’s
suffering due to problems in her relationship, but can’t put her finger on what exactly it is that upsets her.

What she needs is mindfulness. If she can understand her own suffering (that she's upset because her
partner doesn't take care of the house, for example), she'll feel more compassion for his suffering (maybe
that he's overworked and too exhausted when he comes home).

So mindfulness will endow her with a deeper understanding of her partner. She'll be better able to use
loving and nourishing speech to work towards finding a solution with him. We can't communicate
effectively with others until we get in touch with ourselves first.

Listen to the suffering of others, to help them feel better.

We don't always fully understand people we're close to. This is often because we don't listen to each other.

Sometimes our minds are just somewhere else when our partner is talking. Your spouse might be
describing a serious problem in your marriage, but you're thinking about cleaning the pool or paying the
electricity bill.

Even when we do listen to our partners, sometimes we interrupt them to say why we think they're wrong.

The good news is that there's a way to solve this: mindful listening. Mindful listening means carefully
taking in what others say without judging them.

When someone's telling you about their suffering, you might be tempted to interrupt them, especially if
you want to correct their perceptions. However, this might lead to a discussion where you aren't truly
focusing on their feelings, which is what you should be doing.

Mindful listening also means not blaming the person for anything. For example, imagine you're listening
to a friend whose girlfriend has just left him. Even if you think it was partly his fault, you have to
recognize that this isn't the time to say that, because it'll make him suffer more.

The purpose of mindful listening is to help the other person, so let them say what they need to. You can
correct any misunderstandings they have later.

When the person you're communicating with sees how much you care about understanding them, that
alone will lessen their pain.

You can express your love and appreciation for others by using mantras.

Avoiding toxic speech is essential, but what about nourishing speech? How can we evoke it?
A good strategy for keeping your speech nourishing is to use mantras. Mantras are set phrases that help
you express certain emotions. In Buddhism, there are three mantras for letting people know you love and
appreciate them.

“I am here for you” is the first mantra. It clearly establishes the base of your love, because you have to be
present in someone's life in order to love them.

Be sure to use the first mantra when communicating with people you care about. Being there for someone
is the greatest gift you can give them. If you say this mantra with mindfulness and compassion, they'll truly
appreciate it.

The second mantra is “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” It's vital to let your loved ones know
their presence is important to you.

Imagine you're sitting next to your partner in a car, for instance. It wouldn't be unusual in this situation to
find yourself thinking about everything except the person next to you. That might make them feel a bit
invisible. But if you take the time to let them know you're paying attention to them, and their presence
brings you joy, they'll feel loved and valued.

You can say the third mantra, “I know you suffer, and this is why I am here for you,” when someone you
love is in pain. Like the first mantra, it shows the person you're there to support them. It also emphasizes
that their feelings matter to you, which is a crucial part of mindful listening.

There are three more mantras that help bring you happiness.

The first three mantras focus on helping others suffer less, but your emotions are also important. The next
three mantras, discussed here, help bring happiness to you.

The fourth mantra is “I suffer, please help.” Use it to let others know when you need support.

When someone causes us pain, we're often too proud or afraid to let them know. If someone insults you
without realizing it, you might turn away, or act like you don't need them anymore. You might even try to
“punish” the person, consciously or unconsciously.
When you practice mindfulness, however, you'll be more compassionate. If someone hurts you, you'll seek
to understand why, instead of just shutting them out.

“This is a happy moment,” is the fifth mantra. Sometimes we forget to acknowledge happiness, and this
can be a powerful reminder.

When you say this mantra to someone you love, it'll remind both of you how lucky you are to be together.

It's important to remember that you don't need to wait for an unusually special moment to say this. Take
time to appreciate smaller things, like the beautiful sunset or the simple fact that you're both alive.

The sixth mantra, “You are partly right,” is helpful when someone's criticizing or praising you.

The sixth mantra emphasizes that there are many aspects to a person – some positive and some negative.
This mantra allows you to express that you appreciate the other person's compliments or criticisms, but it
also reminds them you have other qualities as well.

Using the sixth mantra will help you keep a good perspective on situations. You'll be more objective and
less judgmental, which is crucial for mindful awareness.

You can also say it to yourself. When someone criticizes something about you, remember it's just one part
of you. Maybe their criticism is partially true, but you can objectively see that it’s not a cause to feel
insecure or overly upset, and maybe it’s helpful information.