1

ASPIRIN AND ELEPHANTS

By Jerry Mayer

ACT I

(LIGHTS COME UP ON A SHIP'S LOUDSPEAKER.

THREE MUSICAL BELLTONES introduce a
ANNOUNCEMENT, during which, the CURTAIN
rises to reveal our set, THREE ROOMS on the
cruise ship "ROYAL NORWAY." The largest is
HONEY'S SITTING ROOM. The decor is
Scandinavian, Nordic art, oak and stainless
steel. The bedroom is through a door, Stage
Right. The Fourth Wall faces the room's
Veranda. LIZ'S ROOM and STEPHANIE'S ROOM,
are half the size of Honey's Sitting Room.
(The smaller rooms could be part of Honey's
Sitting Room, defined by lighting) HONEY
FRANK, attractive, sixty, enters. SHE takes
six brown pill bottles from her purse and
puts them on the bar)

! ! CAPTAIN'S VOICE (SPEAKER)

! (A slight Norwegian accent)
This is your Captain, Haak (Hock) Nordenkjell, welcoming all
passengers aboard the Royal Norway. We will soon be leaving
Copenhagan, the "Fairytale Capitol of the World," to begin our
exciting Scandinavia/Russia Cruise. So we kindly request all
visitors to now depart the ship. Thank you. Or as we say in
Norwegian, "Tak." (Pronounced TOCK)

! ! HONEY
! (Calling out the door)
Junior, did you hear that? "Tak" means "thank you."

! ! JUNIOR (O.S.)
! (Flatly)
Wonderful. Honey, where the hell are you?

! ! HONEY
! (Calling toward the door)
In here. Stateroom One twelve.
 2

(JUNIOR FRANK (60) enters. He's slim, tall,

athletic, well dressed. JUNIOR is "a man's
man," with a dry sense of humor. His hand
unconsciously in his shirt, is subtle
evidence of his heart attack, three months
ago. HE holds a "ROYAL NORWAY" lifesaver
ring)

! JUNIOR
Sorry, I could only find one of these. I guess you're on your
own.

! ! HONEY
You idiot, you're not supposed to take those off the wall.

! JUNIOR
How do I know this tub's gonna float?

! ! HONEY
Put it back.

! ! JUNIOR
Aye aye, sir.

(JUNIOR salutes, exits. SHE dials phone)

! HONEY
Reception? This is Mrs. Stephen Frank Jr. in Cabin 112,
Atlantic Deck. When Mr. and Mrs. Arnie Nathan check in, will
you tell them... -- I know the Scott Gales are aboard, that’s my
other son-in-law. Arnie is the always late son-in-law. Anyway
when they check in will you tell them Honey and Junior are
waiting in Cabin 112. -- No, Honey and Junior are not my
grandchildren, they’re me and my husband. Nick names. I’m glad
you like that. Just how soon is the ship leaving? -- No, I
can't speak louder. I don't want to upset my husband.

! (JUNIOR enters!behind HONEY)

!
! ! JUNIOR
Thanks.
 3

! ! HONEY
! (Surprised, to JUNIOR)
You Shit!
! (Into the phone, quickly)
I beg your pardon. You've been very helpful. -- What? -- Oh?
"Tocks" to you, too.
! (SHE hangs up, then to JUNIOR)
Don't get upset, they'll make it.
! ! JUNIOR
Who's upset, if they miss the boat I'll save a small fortune.

! ! HONEY
I told Liz to be here an hour early. Here's your pillow.
! (SHE hands him a tubular neck pillow)
I'm sure Arnie's making them both late. This is so
inconsiderate.

! ! JUNIOR
Honey, I'm not gonna spend this whole trip waiting around for
the little bastard. And he's gonna learn that quick. Because
you're going to tell him.

! ! HONEY
Right, that's my department. By the way, what's your
department?

! ! JUNIOR
Being lovable and trying not to fart at the Captain's table

! (HE looks at the two steps)

What the hell's this, a steeplechase?

! ! HONEY
It's the roomiest suite they had. And we have our own veranda.
Two steps won't hurt you.

! ! JUNIOR
Not if you get me a horse. Real homey decor. Reminds
me of my Coronary Care Unit.
! (HE tosses pillow into the bedroom)
I've never seen a stainless steel bed before. It'll be like
sleeping in a bedpan.
! HE lights a cigarette)

! ! HONEY
(Seeing JUNIOR's cigarette)
 4

Junior, don't make me hurt you!

! ! JUNIOR
! (Dryly)
One puff. The kids are late, I'm very upset.
! (HE takes a puff, puts cigarette out)

! ! HONEY
You fraud. Be right back.
(SHE exits)

! JUNIOR
You wouldn't take away my last remaining pleasure.
(HONEY enters carrying two bags)
Honey, what are you doing? Let one of those Olafs do that.

! ! HONEY
It's only our carry-on things. I've got to do something with my
hands, since my son-in-law's neck isn't here.

! ! HONEY

(LIGHTS UP on STEPHANIE'S ROOM, which is smaller.

STEPHANIE 36, attractive, stylishly dressed, enters
with packages)

! STEPHANIE
Scott?
! (SHE picks up the phone, talks)
Hello? -- Who? -- Yes, Mr. Scott Gale of Slumbertown
Sleepwear is here for Bloomingdale's. Scott, Bloomingdale's.

(SCOTT (38), an attractive yuppie

business type, enters carrying a drink)

! ! SCOTT
Really?

! ! STEPHANIE
! (HER hand over the receiver)
Don't act surprised. How could you have her call you here?

! ! SCOTT
! (HE holds hand out impatiently)
 5

Stephanie, the phone. That's Bloomingdale's! If you lose that

call!
! (SHE hands HIM the phone, HE talks)
Hello? -- Marci. Hi, how did you track me down? -- Well, it's
sweet of you to wish me bon "voyahge," But you know what I
really want to hear. Did you like my new baby dolls and
teddy's? -- Fabulous. -- Of course I'll embroider "Bloomies"
on your teddys. Any old place you like.
(HE bursts out laughing)
That's a very good place. -- Sure I can deliver right away. I
brought my portable FAX with me. FAX me your order and I'll FAX
it right back. Marci, really, you've made my trip. Thanks,
Babe. Bye bye.
(HE hangs up triumphantly)
I did it! I got Bloomingdale's. "The Big B." The best Dad
ever got was K Mart. The buyer loves my line.

! ! STEPHANIE
And you seem to love the buyer's line. You FAX Marci, Marci FAX
you.

! ! SCOTT
Stephi, Stephi, how many times are we going to go through this?
Would you feel better if women were barred from business
schools?

! ! STEPHANIE
No, I'd feel better if Marci hadn't answered the phone in your
hotel room last Friday.

! ! SCOTT
I am insulted. If you'd just once, try to understand my
business. Lingerie buyers always come up to the manufacturer's
hotel room to look at samples.

! ! STEPHANIE
At eight in the morning?

! ! SCOTT
! (Innocently)
When necessary. You've got to get up early to make a buck.
You'd know that if you ever worked for a living.

! ! STEPHANIE
 6

I do work for a living. At something even more important than

baby dolls and teddies. Raising our two sons.

! ! SCOTT
Please don't cry. You know your face puffs up like a blowfish.

! ! STEPHANIE
I am not crying.

! ! SCOTT
Stephi, knowing my boys are at home with a terrific mom like you
totally frees me mentally. You're like part of my sales team.

! ! STEPHANIE
Yeah, I give great peace of mind.

! ! SCOTT
And Steph, you have nothing to worry about with Marci. Really,
she's fat and unattractive.

! ! STEPHANIE
You're just saying that to make me feel better.

! ! SCOTT
Of course, but it's true.

! ! STEPHANIE
You know how much I'd like to believe you. Scott, I want this
cruise to be really wonderful for us, and healing.

! ! SCOTT
It'll be one big bandaid.

! ! STEPHANIE
And as a favor to me, could you hold down your drinking a
little?

! ! SCOTT
Sure.
! (HE smiles, lowers his glass)
How's this?

! ! STEPHANIE
 7

Perfect. Moonlight on the ocean is just what we need.

! (SHE KISSES HIM)
It's time to get back to the thing that made us fall in love in
the first place.
! (SHE squeezes a cheek of his ass)

! ! SCOTT
My wallet's in the other pocket.
! (SHE exits, HE'S right behind HER)
I was kidding.

! (CROSSFADE to HONEY'S ROOM)

! ! HONEY
Can you believe this? Not a word, not a phone call. We'll be
leaving in thirty minutes. They'll have to fly to Oslo, at our
expense, to catch up with us. I'm going to try Stephanie again.
! (THE PHONE RINGS, SHE grabs it)
Stephanie? -- Liz! Sweetheart, where are you?
! (For JUNIOR'S benefit)
In the reception area! Thank God! No, I wasn't at all worried
that you'd miss the boat. Not my Liz. Uh huh.
! (JUNIOR reacts to her hypocrisy.
! To JUNIOR, covering the phone)
Arnie had to stop for a Belgian waffle at the Tivoli Gardens.
! (Into the phone)
Yes, Daddy's fine. We're dying to see you.

! ! JUNIOR
Nice choice of words.

! ! HONEY
(Replying to something on the phone)
That's just Daddy, kibitzing. Dump your stuff and come up to
the Atlantic deck, Room 112. -- I can't wait either. Bye.
! (SHE hangs up the phone,
! exits to the Bedroom)

!
(LIGHTS CROSSFADE to LIZ'S CABIN. LIZ
NATHAN, organized, attractive, mid thirties,
followed by ARNIE NATHAN (A COMEDY
PRESENCE), late thirties, enter. THEY are
dressed in sweatsuits, carrying luggage and
a typewriter)
 8

! ! ARNIE
I do not make you late for everything.

! ! LIZ
Really? What about almost missing our flight at L-A-X? Running
like demented people from the cab to the plane, with you
knocking that poor old woman down?

! ! ARNIE
I did not knock her down. I spun her around a few times.

! ! LIZ
We should've left home earlier.

! ! ARNIE
How could we, with Dad on long distance screaming his final job
offer at me?

! ! LIZ
Are you telling me he won't wait for your answer till we get
back from our trip?

! ! ARNIE
That's what I'm telling you. Unless I misinterpreted the
expression, "Shit or get off the pot!"
! (Looking disdainfully around the cabin)
God, this cabin is tiny. Weren't there any larger rooms?

! ! LIZ
Yes, deluxe doubles, for twelve hundred dollars more. Daddy
wanted to splurge and pay extra, but I wouldn't hear of it.

! ! ARNIE
I'd hear of it! Liz, aren't you kept busy enough, just being
cheap for yourself? How are the two of us gonna fit on that
bed? Two Ethiopians couldn't fit on that bed.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, starvation jokes are not funny!
! ! ARNIE
That wasn't a "starvation joke." That was a "thin joke."
Okay, borderline taste, I admit it. Impending sexual
frustration does that to me.

! ! LIZ
There won't be any frustration.
 9

! ! ARNIE
Are you crazy! We're sleeping apart. Our erogenous zones are
gonna be at right angles to each other!
(HE demonstrates, with his hands)
How are we gonna, where the hell will we...?

! ! LIZ
Screw?

! ! ARNIE
Funny. Go ahead, talk dirty. That's the only thing you can do
dirty in these beds. Unless you're the Flying Walendas.

! ! LIZ
We'll be just fine. Come here. We've had some very sexy
evenings in single beds, remember?
! (SHE draws HIM down onto the bed)

! ! ARNIE
Yeah, but we were single at the time, anything was sexy.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, you know it has the opposite effect on me, when you get
psychotic about sex.

! ! ARNIE
I'm not psychotic, I'm practical. It's not that romantic at
home these days, with Jimmy walking in on us in the middle of
things.

! ! LIZ
I know, it's awful. We'll try locking our bedroom again. Maybe
he's over his bad dreams.

! ! ARNIE
Or at least let me sprinkle some carpet tacks in the hall, to
give us an early warning system.

! ! LIZ
! (Amused)
You will not. By the way, our room's next to Stephie and
Scott's. Isn't that neat?

! ! ARNIE
 10

Fabulous. He just better not start with his "How's it going out
in Hollywood guy?" Which means, "How much did you make last
year guy?" Don't tell him it was fourteen thousand.

! ! LIZ
Of course not. It's none of his business. And it was twelve-
two after they deducted health plan and retirement.

! ! ARNIE
Thanks for being so exact. Don't tell Scott I write "Mugsy
Magruder" either.

! ! LIZ
Will you stop feeling ashamed of Mugsy? Just consider it a
building block to the better things you're going to do.

! ! ARNIE
I left St. Louis talking about all the great movies I was gonna
write, and I end up writing Saturday morning kiddie poo, for
peanuts. If it weren't for your bookkeeping job, we'd be
starving.

! ! LIZ
Well we're not starving. And good things are gonna happen.
! (SHE sprays HER, then HIM with BINACA)

! ! ARNIE
I'll tell you what's gonna happen. I'm gonna cable Dad and tell
him I'm ready to come back to St. Louis.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, we're not making that decision yet!

! ! ARNIE
Why not? There's a lot worse ways to earn a living than...
! (His face relects his attitude)
the pest control business. Dad promised I won't have to deal
with rats.

! ! LIZ
Why don't we discuss this later? They're expecting us upstairs.
Can we go?

! ! ARNIE
With pleasure. Suddenly I'm claustrophobic.
 11

! ! LIZ
! (A gentle hint)
I know the feeling.

! ! ARNIE
How am I gonna write a script in this crypt?
! (Looking around)
Y'know, they say you're born with prenatal womb memory. They're
right. This is the place.
! (To the room)
See ya later, Mom.

(THEY exit, LIGHTS CROSSFADE to HONEY'S

CABIN. We hear KNOCKING on the door)

! ! STEPHANIE (O.S.)
! (Excited)
Honey, it's Stephanie. Quick, let me in.

(HONEY enters from the bedroom, crossing to

the door. JUNIOR follows)

! ! HONEY
Is something wrong?

(HONEY opens the door and STEPHANIE enters carrying a

shopping bag marked "COPENHAGEN." SCOTT follows
carrying a half finished drink and a lingerie box)

! ! STEPHANIE
Of course not. I found this wonderful store, "Scandia Arts,"
between Orrefors glass and George Jensen, on that cute street
where all the good shops are. Scott, what is it?

! ! SCOTT
"Mahstercard Strasse." (STRAH-SUH)

! ! STEPHANIE
I bought fanny packs for us girls. Here, Honey, this'll make a
new fashion statement for you.
! (SHE hands HONEY a brightly
! colored fanny pack)
 12

! ! HONEY
! (Not really liking it)
Thank you. It's stunning.

! ! SCOTT
And I brought you a little gift from our New York showroom.
! (HE opens the box)
Our biggest selling nightshirt. 100% cotton, "Spring Rose
Pattern."

! ! HONEY
Oh, I love it. Thank you, Scott.
! (SHE kisses HIM)

! ! SCOTT
My pleasure. See, it comes with a little pocket.

! ! JUNIOR
Handy, she can keep her birth control pills in there.
!
(LIZ enters, followed by ARNIE)

! ! LIZ
Hi! Got room for another daughter?

(EVERYONE adlibs squeals, hugs and warm

greetings. Dialogue overlaps. This is a
family that enjoys kidding each other)

! ! LIZ
Sorry we were late.

! ! HONEY
! (Lightly)
Oh, it doesn't matter. You look wonderful.

! ! LIZ
I'm holding up, you look wonderful.

! ! ARNIE
Junior, how are you?
! (HE gives JUNIOR a big hug)

! ! JUNIOR
Fine, Arnie. You've gotten stronger.
 13

! ! SCOTT
Arnie, how you doing, guy?
(HE offers his hand in an affected
"Ivy League" manner, palm down

! ! ARNIE
Just great, guy.
(ARNIE shakes SCOTT'S hand
and drifts off to the Bedroom)

! ! LIZ
Daddy, I've missed you so much. How are you feeling?

! ! JUNIOR
Not bad, daughter. Nothing a burial at sea wouldn't fix.

! ! LIZ
Stop that. I smell cigarette smoke on you!

! ! JUNIOR
One puff.

! ! STEPHANIE
His so called doctor, Rubin Frey, allows him to smoke.

! ! JUNIOR
Only when my daughters make me nervous.
! (HE shakes his hand nervously)

! ! LIZ
Daddy, can't you be serious for a moment?

! ! JUNIOR
Nope. That's your mother's department.

! (ARNIE enters from the Bedroom)

! ! ARNIE
Nice bedroom. Is that bed queensize?

! ! HONEY
King.

! ! ARNIE
! (For Liz's benefit)
 14

King? Kingsize.

! ! JUNIOR
Honey, where the hell's my medicine? And make sure it's that
Russian vodka, Archeecharnya.

! ! HONEY
You mean Stolichnaya?

! ! JUNIOR
I hate a smartass bartender.

! ! HONEY
I'm pouring Archeecharnya for everybody.

! ! SCOTT
! (Pouring himself a drink)
Anyone for a double.

! ! STEPHANIE
Liz, you're positively skinny.

! ! LIZ
Thanks, I lost three pounds.
! (Kiddingly)
And you haven't gained that much.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Insulted)
That's a nice thing to say after I bought a fanny pack for your
skinny ass.

! ! JUNIOR
! (To HONEY)
I am shocked at their language. You allow that kind of shit?

! ! HONEY
I gave up years ago.

! ! STEPHENIE
Daddy, we know you wanted sons. That's why we force ourselves
to talk dirty.

! ! JUNIOR
 15

Sure I wanted sons, so they could support me in my old age,

which is now.

! ! SCOTT
Nice sweatsuit, Arnie.

! ! ARNIE
Thanks.

! ! SCOTT
What is that, 65 percent polyester? Next time try 100% cotton.
Much classier.

! ! ARNIE
Nah, I hear 100% cotton shrinks your shvanzheimer.
! (HE strides in comic pride)
Not that that worries me.

! ! JUNIOR
Honey, do I have my blasting caps?

! ! HONEY
In your shirt pocket.
! (Slightly concerned)
You don't need one?

! ! JUNIOR
(Checking a pill box in his shirt pocket)
No, just keeping my nurse sharp.

! ! ARNIE
Blasting caps?

! ! HONEY
Nitroglycerin tablets, in case Junior has some discomfort.

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, mild discomfort, like elephants tap dancing on my chest.

! ! HONEY
Elephants are not allowed on this ship. Here's your drink.

! (HONEY hands JUNIOR a drink)

! ! LIZ
! (Re JUNIOR'S drink)
 16

Mother, isn't that awfully strong for Daddy?

! ! HONEY
It's mostly tonic.

! ! JUNIOR
! (Raising his glass)
A little toast here. First, glad to have you aboard. Thanks
for joining us.
(The KIDS chuckle, adlib "Glad to be here."
"Anytime." "Here here."
There are just two rules I'd like to see observed. One, your
money's no good here. All the food's free and I want you to
sign for drinks.
! (LIZ snaps his photo. HE poses patiently)
Two, I don't want to be hearing "Thank you Honey and Daddy" all
through the trip. So say it once now and get it out of your
systems. One...two...three.

! ! ALL THE KIDS TOGETHER

! (Sing-songy)
Thank you Honey and Daddy.

! ! HONEY AND JUNIOR

You're welcome.

! (JUNIOR gives HONEY a quick

! kiss as ALL adlib enthusiasm)

! ! ARNIE
! (Toasting)
Here's to rich fathers-in-law. Don't leave home without one.

! ! JUNIOR
! (Toasting back)
Here's to your Shvanzheimer.

(THEY drink. STEPHANIE

notices SCOTT'S full glass)

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott, is that straight vodka?

! ! SCOTT
 17

I haven't checked its sexual preference. What are you, the

vodka sheriff?

! ! HONEY
Junior, would you be a darling and go to reception desk and get
all the passports?

! ! JUNIOR
My pleasure. This is how she gets me to exercise.

! ! ARNIE
I'll tag along. Don't we go right by that Viking Smorgasbord?

! ! SCOTT
! (To STEPHANIE)
And the bar?

! (SCOTT hands STEPHANIE his glass. The GUYS exit)

! ! LIZ
! (Calling O.S.)
Arnie, remember your family's fat genes.

! ! HONEY
Now let's catch up.

! ! LIZ
Daddy looks awful!

! ! STEPHANIE
He does not.

! ! LIZ
I mean he's handsome. He's Daddy. But he shuffles along like
an old man.

! ! HONEY
He's a little frightened. Who wouldn't be? I still check to
see if he's breathing at least fifty times a night. Last week I
was checking him and he opened his eyes and said, "Boo!"
! (SHE smiles shakes her head)
He'll be fine.

! ! LIZ
 18

If we can get him to change doctors. That idiot Rubin Frey.

How can you let let Daddy stay with a cardiologist who has
emphysema and still smokes?

! HONEY
Rubin is an old friend. You know how Daddy is about loyalty.

! ! LIZ
But he shouldn't be allowed one puff. And I'll bet Rubin
doesn't make him exercise.

! ! HONEY
Try to make Stephan Frank Jr. do anything.

! ! LIZ
Well he's at least got to follow some rules on food. He loves
potato chips and they're like murder weapons.

! ! HONEY
I haven't pointed a potato chip at him in a long time.

! ! LIZ
Here, I brought him an article from "American Health."
! (SHE hands HONEY the article)

! ! HONEY
Fat clogged arteries in color. He'll treasure this.
Girls, I need your help. I'm trying to get Daddy back to work,
for his own good. He's not a man who can retire at sixty two.

! ! LIZ
I agree.

! ! STEPHANIE
Right, whenever I come by, he's in front of the TV.

! ! LIZ
We'll get Daddy back to work. He won't stand a chance against
the three of us.

! ! HONEY
Good, that's what I want to hear.

! ! LIZ
Listen, while we're alone, I've got a big news flash for you.
 19

! (Making it clear)
I'm not pregnant.

! ! STEPHANIE
Well what?

! ! LIZ
I've been offered a job by Walt Disney Studios in their
accounting department.

! ! STEPHANIE
Oh my God!

! ! HONEY
Liz, that's marvelous.
! (HONEY hugs LIZ)

! ! LIZ
I was dying to tell you. I start next month. It's a lot more
money than I'm making now and they said my opportunities are
wide open.

! ! HONEY
I am so proud of you.

! ! LIZ
But it's between us. You can't tell Daddy, or Scott. Because
Arnie doesn't know yet.

! ! STEPHANIE
Why not?

! ! LIZ
Well, uh, I'm going to surprise him...when the timing's right.
Which it isn't right now.

(THE GUYS, ARNIE nibbling from a

plate of appetizers, enter)

! JUNIOR
We ran into the purser. They don't give the passports back till
tomorrow morning.

! ! HONEY
That's right, I forgot. Sorry, my love.
 20

! ! JUNIOR
No problem. I like that we're both going senile together.

! HONEY
Girls, you want to help me unpack? I've got guidebooks on
Leningrad for everyone.

! ! LIZ
I've got this easy way to teach you both rubel conversion.

! ! STEPHANIE
Great. I can't wait to use my nightschool Russian.

! (The WOMEN exit)

! ! JUNIOR
Well, that was my exercise for the day.
! (HE sits down)

! ! SCOTT
Y'know, you're really looking good, Junior. How you feeling?

! ! JUNIOR
Fair to shitty.

! ! SCOTT
Well at least you're still functioning.

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And if that
ever changes, I'll still have things under control.

! ! SCOTT
What do you mean?

! ! JUNIOR
! (Conspiratorial)
This is just between us, okay?

! (THE GUYS ADLIB AGREEMENT, as

! HE pulls out a pink capsule)

! ! JUNIOR
 21

I got this from my friend Rubin Frey. One of those pills they
give spies before they go behind enemy lines. When life stops
being fun you just bite. He calls it "The Terminator."

! ! ARNIE
! (HE looks at the pill)
Jesus Christ, I thought it was a "Good and Plenty!"

! ! SCOTT
Don't even joke about doing something like that. Your insurance
won't be worth a dime.
! (JUNIOR reacts)

! ! ARNIE
Junior, suicide is not a smart idea. I don't see you often
enough as it is. Seriously, we'd miss you a lot.
! (ARNIE gives HIM a heartfelt hug)

! ! JUNIOR
Thanks, Arnie. So Scott, how's your winter line doing?

! (JUNIOR breaks the hug. As HE

! turns ARNIE pats him on the behind)

! ! SCOTT
Very strong Junior. Bloomingdale's is practically turning their
lingerie department over to me.

! ! JUNIOR
That's not hard to take. Arnie, how's your writing going?

! ! ARNIE
Just great, Junior. I've got a bunch of new ideas and I...

! ! SCOTT
! (Rolling on, to JUNIOR)
I created this new label, "Miss Princeton, traditional
sleepwear." It appeals to a much more upwardly mobile woman
than our Slumbertown label.

! ! JUNIOR
Sounds good. A new design?

! ! SCOTT
 22

New for us. What I did was, I borrowed Ralph Lauren's

traditional look, and a touch of Calvin Klein's love-child look,
but at a price. And I had the whole line designed roomier, so
women will feel good about themselves. A gal who's a "medium"
will fit into our "small." A "large" will fit into our
"medium." And a tank will fit into our "large."

! ! JUNIOR
Clever.

! ! SCOTT
Yeah. I make a lot of money off women. It's nice that I can
help their self-esteem.

! ! ARNIE
Sounds like your Dad's giving you a lot to do.

! ! SCOTT
! (Insulted and proud)
Dad doesn't give me things to do. I'm president of Slumbertown.

! ! ARNIE
! (HE laughs)
I'm sorry, but you sounded like a Munchkin.
! (A gruff Munchkinlike voice)
I'm president of Slumbertown.

! ! JUNIOR
Scott, I envy your dad. He's lucky to have a son working
alongside him.

! ! SCOTT
Yeah, except these days he's playing more golf than working.
Just as well. Lingerie is a young man's business now. We're
butting heads with the whole damn Pacific Rim. Dad's thinking
is still in the sixties, when it was a fun business.

! ! JUNIOR
How well I remember.

! ! SCOTT
! (To ARNIE)
So, how's it going out in Hollywood, guy?

! ! ARNIE
 23

Just great, guy. I'm working on a script right now, they're

gonna grab outta my hands and shoot as soon as I get back.

! ! JUNIOR
For which show? I watch a lot of TV these days.

! ! SCOTT
Probably that "Mugsy Magruder," right?

! ! ARNIE
! (HE reacts)
Yeah, how'd you know that?

! ! SCOTT
Donny was watching TV one Saturday morning, and all of a sudden
he yells, "Look, Uncle Arnie wrote this!" So we watched it.
! (HE smiles)
Cute. You've really got the lingo down. "Holy Mackinoly,
Fluffo."
! (To JUNIOR)
Fluffo's her little dog. We got a goddam Hollywood writer in
the family. I'll bet you make a mint out there, writing that
stuff.

! ! ARNIE
Yeah, Liz tells me I'm going through the roof.

! ! SCOTT
And I hear she's doing well, too. Nothing wrong with a little
combined income, huh guy?

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, Honey has yet to bring in her first dime.

! ! SCOTT
Arn, how about a few games of shuffleboard later?

! ! ARNIE
I've never played shuffleboard.

! ! SCOTT
Who has? We'll learn together. Buck a point.

! ! ARNIE
You got it
 24

(THE WOMEN enter in conversation.

LIZ gives Junior a box)

! ! LIZ
This is for you, Daddy.

! ! JUNIOR
Oh yeah? What is it?

! ! HONEY
! (SHE knows what's in it)
You'll find out if you open it.

! ! JUNIOR
! (HE opens the box finds a Captains cap)
Hey, great. From the gang at the office.
! (HE puts the hat on, HE allows LIZ
! to snap a photo, then reads a note)
"O Captain, our Captain, Here's wishing you and your family a
wonderful cruise. And then please hurry back to us. We need
you. Love, your loyal crew." That's nice.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'll bet they miss you plenty.

! ! ARNIE
Hell yes.!! ! ! !

! ! LIZ
You'd better get back to work, so you can pay for this trip.

! ! ARNIE
Hell yes.

! ! JUNIOR
I'm not going back. I'm selling the company.! ! !

! ! HONEY
Sweetheart?

! ! JUNIOR
I was going to talk to you about it.
 25

! ! HONEY
I would hope so.

! ! JUNIOR
You know United Textiles has been after me to sell. And I've
been thinking, what am I holding on for? It's not like I have
a son in the business.

! ! HONEY
Alright sell if you want to. But you told me United wants you
to stay on as president.

! ! JUNIOR
Honey, I'm not interested in being president of anything but my
tomato garden.

(We hear the BELLTONE)

! ! CAPTAIN'S VOICE (SPEAKER)

This is Captain Nordenjkell speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, for
your safety, we will now have our instructive lifeboat drill. *
If you would kindly return to your cabins and put on your
lifejackets, then proceed in five minutes to your designated
lifeboat station on the Promenade Deck. Tak.

(The dialogue below is done over the

CAPTAIN'S MESSAGE, after the *)

! ! LIZ
How do we know which is our lifeboat?

! ! HONEY
There's a sign on your wall. Junior, I'll get our jackets.

(HONEY exits to the Bedroom.

ARNIE and LIZ exit))

! ! STEPHANIE
! (To SCOTT after the Captain's announcement)
Why don't we leave our drinks here? We're coming right back.

! ! SCOTT
I'll just hang on to mine.
 26

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott!

! ! SCOTT
! (Smiling)
Yes my little "stress factory?"

! ! STEPHANIE
Can't you go without a drink for five minutes?!

! ! SCOTT
Of course. Be right with you.

(SCOTT puts his drink down)

! ! SCOTT
Junior, I brought my portable FAX with me, in case I have to
piss out some fires back at my office. Feel free to use it.

! ! JUNIOR
Thanks Scott, but my long distance pissing days are over.

! ! SCOTT
By the way, I got together with your fabric people in New York.
Thanks for arranging it.

! ! JUNIOR
Glad to help.

! (HONEY enters, hands JUNIOR a life

! jacket, then exits to get her own)

! ! SCOTT
You could do me another huge favor. I've got to meet with those
pricks at the union when I get back. Could you give me a few
pointers later?

! ! JUNIOR
Sure Scott, any time.
! (HE has trouble getting his life
! jacket on. SCOTT helps HIM)

! ! SCOTT
They seem to love you. This'll be my first labor contract and I
don't want to go in there acting like a putz.
 27

! ! JUNIOR
Don't worry, you won't be acting.
! (Quickly, off SCOTT'S reaction)
I'm kidding. Never give me an opening like that.

! ! SCOTT
Good, we'll talk later. Thanks.
! (HE picks up his drink and exits)

! ! HONEY
Junior, I'd like to discuss this big decision you've made?

! ! JUNIOR
(Trying to fasten his life vest)
I can't. I'm busy saving my life here.

! ! HONEY
You know Rubin wants you to return to work. He says you're
almost back to full strength.

! ! JUNIOR
! (No longer joking)
Bullshit. Pardon my French. I'm getting bushed just dealing
with this thing. I can see myself trying to run an all-day
sales meeting, popping pills, laying down every few minutes.

! ! HONEY
Well then don't start with a full schedule. They need you down
there. And you know you love to inspire people.

! ! JUNIOR
Unfortunately I'm out of the inspiration business.
Can we drop the subject for now?
! (HE takes a nitro)

! ! HONEY
You have pain?

! ! JUNIOR
No, but tightness. And I'm winded, probably from carrying that
one stupid bag in.

! ! HONEY
! (Helping him with his vest)
Let me help you with that.
 28

! ! JUNIOR
! ((HE kisses HER on the cheek)
Thanks, I appreciate it. Y'know, Stephanie and Scott sure seem
to be getting on each other's nerves.

! ! HONEY
I know. And he's always so charming to us. Why can't he save a
little of that for her?

! ! JUNIOR
For one thing, he isn't sleeping with us.

! ! HONEY
He isn't sleeping with her either, at least not often enough,
according to what Stephanie tells Liz and Liz tells me.

! ! JUNIOR
Why that little bastard! See how easy it rolls off the tongue?
Jesus, things change. Who ever thought I'd be furious at a guy
because he wasn't screwing my daughter?

(LIGHTS CROSSFADE to STEPHANIE'S ROOM.

SCOTT enters, removing his life jacket.
STEPHANIE follows. SCOTT is sullen)

! ! STEPHANIE
I was not trying to make you look bad in front of Honey and
Daddy. But do you have any idea how many drinks you've had
today?

! ! SCOTT
I don't need a score keeper, I need a wife. Do I slur my words?
Do I knock things over?

! ! STEPHANIE
No. But we haven't seen each other in almost two weeks. And
I'm feeling very romantic. And you're not the most attentive
lover when you're smashed.

! ! SCOTT
The girls I fantasize about when I make love to you, think I'm
great.
! !
! ! STEPHANIE
Fantasies are a lot less demanding than real life. They don't
require a sustained erection.
 29

! ! SCOTT
When did I ever fail to sustain?

! ! STEPHANIE
Whenever you fall asleep on me.

! ! SCOTT!
Keeping me up is your job.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (SHE picks up the bottle of vodka)
Well this doesn't make my job any easier.

! ! SCOTT
I just went through a really tough market week. I think I've
earned the right to have a couple of drinks.

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott, I know market week isn't easy.

! ! SCOTT
It took every trick in the book to outdo those Jap firms. I
showed 'em where they can shove their fucking robots. And while
I was at it, I broke last year's sales record.

! ! STEPHANIE
Really? Well that's terrific, Scott.

! ! SCOTT
But am I the conquering hero? No, I'm a drunk.

! ! STEPHANIE
I didn't call you a drunk. Let's not start again.
! (SHE holds up a dress)
Do you like this?

! ! SCOTT
You think it's easy earning the money it takes to put you in
dresses like that? And to buy you your Mercedes?

! ! STEPHANIE
I know you work hard.
 30

! ! SCOTT
And to pay for the new house and the club and the kids' private
school and your maids?

! ! STEPHANIE
You've made your point, Scott.

! ! SCOTT
For every dollar you spend, I've got to earn twice that much.

! ! STEPHANIE
You only tell me that ten times a day!

! ! SCOTT
Because you keep forgetting it!
! (HE exits)

! ! STEPHANIE
! (SHE grabs a Vodka bottle, follows him)
For God's sake. Here have a drink.

! (LIGHTS UP on LIZ'S CABIN. LIZ, with tiny

! plastic bride and groom, and ARNIE enter)

! ! LIZ
The pastry chef was so cooperative. He's baking a cute little
wedding cake out of oat-bran. We'll put the original Honey and
Daddy on top. Have you written the song yet?

! ! ARNIE
No. I've been trying to think of a Mugsy idea. Anyway,
"Humoresque" is impossible to write funny to.

! ! LIZ
No it isn't. Write it, please. It'll put me in a very warm
mood. You know what I'm saying?

! ! ARNIE
Yes, I know what you're saying. You're saying you'll do it for
a song. Why don't you and Stephanie write it?

! ! LIZ
No Arnie, we're not clever, we're cute. And you've always been
so good at writing adorable anniversary songs.
 31

! ! ARNIE
I hate writing adorable anniversary songs. It makes me feel
like a talented amateur. Then I have to watch Scott smirk and
ask me when I'm moving back to St. Louis.

! ! LIZ
Don't listen to him. Believe me, Scott admires you plenty for
doing exactly what you want to do with your life.

(SCOTT and STEPHANIE enter their area)

! ! SCOTT
Arnie really looked pathetic in that outfit, didn't he? "The
Prince of Polyester."

! ! STEPHANIE
I thought he looked nice.

! ! LIZ
What did you think of Stephanie's new hair?

! ! ARNIE
Interesting. How does she do that, with a dustbuster.

! ! SCOTT
It's obvious Arnie's not making it on the coast. He's not even
writing prime time.

! ! STEPHANIE
Liz says he's doing fine.

! ! SCOTT
What else is she gonna say? Look at the facts. He's been out
there almost three years and they still live in an apartment in
the Valley. Everyone with an ounce of brains and a nickel in
his pocket bought a house in Beverly Hills. We need ice.
(SCOTT exits with the ice bucket)

! ! ARNIE
What am I doing here? Our baby sitter makes more money than I
do and I'm cruising the North Sea.

! ! LIZ
The Baltic. And for God's sake, enjoy it.
 32

! ! ARNIE
How? Every time your parents look at me I feel like a
freeloader. It's common knowledge they didn't want you to marry
me.

! ! LIZ
It's not common knowledge. Only we and they know it. And that
was sixteen years ago. They're crazy about you now.

! ! ARNIE
That's a laugh. I move their daughter two thousand miles away
so I can start a new career, now you're supporting me.

! ! LIZ
Not true. We're working side-by-side and I love it.

! ! ARNIE
And Scott's knocking 'em dead. He's president of "Slumbertown,"
he's earning a fortune, and he's making his dad look like a
senile putz. That's every goal he ever set.
By the way, I need some money.

! ! LIZ
What happened to that thirty dollars I gave you before?

! ! ARNIE
Shuffleboard with Scott happened!

! ! LIZ
Oh, Arnie.

! ! ARNIE
! (A rueful request)
Please give me money!

(LIZ exits ARNIE follows. STEPHANIE, in low-

cut dress, and SCOTT enter)

! ! STEPHANIE
You think this dress shows too much Stephanie?

! ! SCOTT
No, it's good. Let 'em drool. -- I've been thinking about you
and Liz. You are so lucky.
 33

! ! STEPHANIE
I know, she got math skills, I got cleavage.

! ! SCOTT
Be serious, she has to work because Arnie's not cutting it.

! ! STEPHANIE
Liz is having a ball, working. And Arnie's making progress.
Writing's a tough field, just like yours.

! ! SCOTT
Shit, how can you compare Arnie's situation to mine? I'm a
rocket and he's in the denial period of his failure.

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott, isn't it enough that you succeed? Does everyone else
have to fail? Why must you be so damn competitive?

! ! SCOTT
You mean, why must I be a winner?

! ! STEPHANIE
There are things more important than winning. Like having
compassion and being a good person.

! ! SCOTT
Is that what you're teaching our boys!?

! (SCOTT exits. LIZ enters, talking O.S.)

! ! LIZ
Arnie, there's something I want to talk to you about.

! (ARNIE enters, using a cordless razor)

! ! ARNIE
Y'know, the only smart decision I've made lately is buying this
cordless razor. So I don't have to look in the mirror when I
shave. I bought our stocks too high, I sold our house in St.
Louis too low. Then I buy you a Tojo, the only Japanese car
that ever went bankrupt.

! ! LIZ
! (SHE takes his razor, shuts it off)
It's pronounced "To-Jee-O" and I'm going to run you down with it
if you don't stop this self-flagellation routine.
 34

! ! ARNIE
Okay, I'll take a break. What did you want to talk about?

! ! LIZ
Never mind, it'll wait. Why don't you just loosen up, relax.

! ! ARNIE
Relax? I need a Mugsy Magruder script for the little bitch.
Wait a minute. "Little bitch?" What if Mugsy's dog Fluffo
falls in love with a little bitch and runs away. Hold it,
Fluffo's a female dog too. I wonder, is Saturday morning ready
for a story about gay dogs? I think so.

! ! LIZ
You'll think of a story. Come here, I'll inspire you.

! ! ARNIE
Is there room?
(THEY kiss on the bed, HE'S on top)

! ! ARNIE
Not bad, if you like "Love, Quasimodo style." Which I do.

! ! LIZ
Sorry, not enough time now.
! (SHE exits to the closet)

! ! ARNIE
Don't you want to unblock me? Quasimodo, fast little fella.

! ! LIZ (O.S.)
Sorry Quas, later. Get dressed.

! ! ARNIE
It'll be your fault if I get a hump on my front too.

! ! LIZ
! (SHE enters, hands HIM a sportcoat, exits)
We'll deal with that. Here, wear your seersucker tonight. You
look very handsome in it.
 35

! ! ARNIE
(HE checks the inside label)
Shit. Fifty-five percent polyester. If Scott tries to read my
label, I'm gonna grab his solid gold Mark Cross pen and take his
temperature with it.

(ARNIE exits. SCOTT enters,

STEPHANIE hanging on his back)

! ! SCOTT
Will you get off my back?

! ! STEPHANIE
Not until you mellow out. You're a wonderful businessman, a
fabulous tennis player and a terrific skier. And I won't
mention your drinking again, Okay?

! ! SCOTT
Okay.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (SHE gets off his back and faces HIM)
Good. We're going to have a wonderful evening. After dinner, a
little gambling in the casino, a stroll around the deck and then
back here, for Courvoissier, caviar and us.

! ! SCOTT
Terrific. Now what time am I scheduled for a sustained
erection?

(THE LIGHTS CROSSFADE to THE SHIP'S SPEAKER.

We hear BELLTONES)

! ! CAPTAIN'S VOICE (SPEAKER)

This is Captain Nordenkjell hoping you are enjoying a pleasant
first day on our Scandinavia/Russia cruise. And I do hope you
all will join me at the "Dance with your Captain Party" in the
"Midnight Sun Lounge." I look forward to meeting and dancing
with you, particularly the ladies. Tak.

(LIGHTS CROSSFADE to HONEY'S ROOM. HONEY and

JUNIOR enter)

! ! HONEY
Wasn't that fun?
 36

! ! JUNIOR
Sure, for you. You were dancing and flirting with Dr.
Sardinehead all night.

! ! HONEY
I meant it was fun having the kids with us. And I wasn't
flirting with Sardinehead. We had one dance.

! ! JUNIOR
Hey kid, I've got radar, the hairs on the back of my neck.

! ! HONEY
He simply wanted to introduce himself and tell us that he'd
received your medical records from St. Louis.

! ! JUNIOR
Oh, that's why he kept referring to you as "The Widow Frank."
! (As HE exits to the bedroom)
Classy, they turned down the bed.

! ! HONEY
Guess what I brought along?
(HONEY flips on a tape recorder, we hear "IT HAD TO
BE YOU. "JUNIOR enters with mints)

! ! JUNIOR
Our song. Aren't you the sneaky one?
! (HE holds up two green-wrapped mints)
Mints on our pillows. Probably only an extra hundred bucks.
!
! HONEY
You wouldn't dance in the Viking Lounge. How about here?

! ! JUNIOR
Alright, but just dancing. No strings attached.

! ! HONEY
(THEY dance. HONEY dreamily enjoys it)
Fair enough. I just want to be in the arms of the handsomest
man on the Royal Norway.

! ! JUNIOR
Wow.
 37

! ! HONEY
It helps me remember that Bachelor's Ball you took me to, and
that drive home in your father's Packard. And those creaky
stairs leading up to my bedroom.

! ! JUNIOR
Oh my God, you're getting horny.

! ! HONEY
No, I'm just reminiscing.

! ! JUNIOR
Then I'm getting horny. One of us is definitely getting horny.

! ! HONEY
You want to do something about it?

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, let's eat our mints.

! ! HONEY
You realize, of course, that chocolate is supposed to be an
aphrodisiac.

! ! JUNIOR
Just eat the green part. Listen, I think it's only fair to tell
you, I found the book.

! ! HONEY
What book?

! ! JUNIOR
You know what book,
! (HE produces a book from a drawer)
"X Rate Your Heart Attack." "Performance anxiety," "libido
failure."

! ! HONEY
! (Making light of it)
Oh, that book? Stephanie gave me that.

! ! JUNIOR
You've been discussing our problem with the girls?
 38

! ! HONEY
Of course not. And we don't have a problem. The book was an
unsolicited gift, like Liz's "Oat Bran Cook Book." The girls
just want to be helpful.

! ! JUNIOR
! (HE opens the book)
This is a helpful chapter, "Humping keeps Your Heart Pumping."
! (HE flips the pages)
And this one, "Comfortable positions for "re-entry." At first I
thought it was a guidebook for astronauts.

! ! HONEY
We don't need any guide books. You're the only guide I've ever
needed. And the best. Of course I have no basis for
comparison. But that's what you've always told me.

! ! JUNIOR
And you've always bought it.

! ! HONEY
I'm still buying it.
! (SHE kisses HIM tenderly)

! ! JUNIOR
Maybe we are ready for the chocolate part.

(THEY exit to the O.S. bed. As THEY leave,

JUNIOR tosses the book into the waste
basket. A few notes of "IT HAD TO BE YOU"
swell up as LIGHTS CROSSFADE to LIZ'S CABIN.
LIZ enters with ARNIE, eating appetizers)

! LIZ
How can you say that Daddy wasn't depressed?
! (SHE starts undressing)

! ! ARNIE
You're making such a big deal out of the fact that he didn't
feel like dancing.
! (HE offers HER a pastry)
Butterdeig? That's pastry in Norwegian.

! ! LIZ
! (SHE shakes her head)
It's not just that. His whole attitude is so negative.
 39

! ! ARNIE
He was just a little quiet that's all.
! (Offering her a brownie)
Sjokolade? Chocolate's one of those words that's the same in
every language, like toilet.

! ! LIZ
How can you eat, we just had dinner? He's so listless and
withdrawn.

! ! ARNIE
You don't just bounce back overnight from a heart attack.

! ! LIZ
Now he doesn't even want to go back to work. And he's so
helpless and self pitying. And Honey's completely permissive.
She's got to lay down some rules. He's becoming a textbook
cardiac cripple.
! (SHE'S now in her bra and slip)

! ! ARNIE
Sweetheart, Junior's gonna be fine. Which bed do you like best?

! ! LIZ
I don't care. I can sleep on either one.

! ! ARNIE
! (Smiling)
Who's talking about sleeping?
! (HE kisses her. SHE'S impatient)

! ! LIZ
I'm sorry, I just can't concentrate right now.
! !
! ! ARNIE
! (HE nuzzles her neck)
That's alright, I'll concentrate, you let your mind wander.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, really, I have never felt quite so out of the mood. I'm
dead tired and I'm worried about Daddy. You can understand
that.
! (LIZ exits carrying her clothes)
 40

! ! ARNIE
Hey, he invited us here to have a good time. You don't want him
to waste his money?
(At this point he angrily pulls off his
necktie, which is the clip-on variety)

! ! LIZ
Arnie, I just don't feel like it. Can't you bear with me on
this?
! (LIZ enters ready for bed)

! ! ARNIE
Of course I'll bear with you. Who else am I going to bear with?
It's not that crucial that I may be under some stress too, from
a slight career crisis, that is tightening like a noose around
my scrotal area. Sure, no problem, I'll bear with you.

! ! LIZ
Alright, if it's that important. I'll take care of you.

! ! ARNIE
You'll take care of me? What is this, "Tuneup Masters?" In
other words, you'll give me a hand?

! ! LIZ
You don't have to be gross.

! ! ARNIE
I'm sorry, but the only thing I find worse than no sex, is
mechanical sex. But thanks anyway for offering to "take care of
me," Mrs. Goodwrench.

! ! LIZ
I am not Mrs. Goodwrench. I love making love with you. But not
when you're treating sex like it's a miracle drug. Every time
you have a disappointment, you get passionate and come looking
for me.

! ! ARNIE
And you're beginning to hide.

! ! LIZ
I'm right here. But if you want me to be more excited, you've
got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Self pity is not the
sexiest trait a man can have.
 41

! ! ARNIE
! (HE reacts)
I can't argue with you there. It's nice to know how your wife
feels about you.

! ! LIZ
I'm sorry Arnie, I don't know what I'm saying. I am so tired.

! ! ARNIE
Sure, you go to bed. I'll go get my Newsweek back from Scott
and see whose career is more pathetic, mine or Donald Trump's.
!
(ARNIE exits. LIGHTS CROSSFADE to
STEPHANIE'S CABIN and LIZ exits.
STEPHANIE is on the phone)

! STEPHANIE
(Into the phone)
Room Service? This is Mrs. Scott Gale in 108, Mediterranean
Deck. I ordered the caviar. -- No, that's why I called. I
don't want you to bring it. I've changed my mind. Just cancel
it, okay? Thank you.

! ! ARNIE (O.S.)
Scott, it's Arnie.

! ! STEPHANIE
The door's open.

(ARNIE enters)

! ARNIE
Hi, I saw the light under your door. I've got nothing to read.
Is Scott finished with my Newsweek?

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott's not here. He's still up in the casino. I saw the
magazine somewhere. Come on in.
(SHE looks for the magazine)

! ARNIE
You couldn't talk him into leaving the blackjack table? I left
before you were finished arguing.
 42

! ! STEPHANIE
He said he's staying till he gets even. He loves getting even.
! (SHE finds the NEWSWEEK and VOGUE)
Here. And Liz wanted to read this Vogue.

! ! ARNIE
Thanks.

! ! STEPHANIE
I guess I just wasn't enough of an enducement to lure him down
here. Even with Courvoissier Why don't you drink his, before I
do.

(SHE gives ARNIE a glass of brandy)

! ! ARNIE
Sure. Steph, are you okay?

! ! STEPHANIE
(SHE cries, throws her arms around HIM)
Oh, Arnie! Yes, goddamit, I'm just fine. I'm not going to cry
anymore over that son-of-a-bitch!. Is my face puffy?
! (SHE touches her face)

! ! ARNIE
Nah, it makes you look like you have high cheek bones.

! ! STEPHANIE
Why have I always fallen in love with assholes? And then, after
I'm in love with one, why does it take me so long to admit that
he's an asshole? And then, why do I keep forgiving him for
being an asshole?

! ! ARNIE
Those are tough questions.

! ! STEPHANIE
You were at our wedding, wasn't it wonderful?

! ! ARNIE
Terrific. Those tenderloin filets were like butter.

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott was such a handsome bridegroom. Those green eyes against
his tan. He must've used a whole tube of bronzer.
I was so in love. All I wanted to do in Acapulco was drink
banana margaritas and screw.
 43

! ! ARNIE
You sound like good company to me.

! ! STEPHANIE
Not to Scott. That's when he started to beat me.

! ! ARNIE
What?!

! ! STEPHANIE
At water skiing and SCUBA diving and spear fishing and anything
else he could look better than me at. It wasn't a honeymoon, it
was the Pan Am Games.

! ! ARNIE
What an idiot.
! !
! ! STEPHANIE
Thanks, you always say the right thing. I ought to keep you
around. Why wasn't I smart enough to pick a husband like you?

! ! ARNIE
You were young.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'll bet Liz is wondering what happened to you?

! ! ARNIE
She's sound asleep.

! ! STEPHANIE
Good, I feel like talking. You want to hear a secret? No, I'm
getting drunk, I don't know what I'm saying.

! ! ARNIE
Oh what the hell? What's your secret?

! ! STEPHANIE
I used to have a crush on you.

! ! ARNIE
Really? How recently?

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Emphatically)
A long time ago.
 44

! ! ARNIE
Listen, if we're telling secrets...I used to think...
! (HE chuckles)
I might've married the wrong sister.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Sternly)
Arnie!
! (Then)
How recently?

! ! ARNIE
What time is it? God you smell good.

! ! STEPHANIE
That's not me, It's the Vogue. It's full of perfume ads.
! !
! ! ARNIE
I'll bet you smell nice too.
(HE leans forward and sniffs)

! STEPHANIE
(Suddenly SHE kisses HIM)
What am I doing? Am I crazy?

! ! ARNIE
I try not to analyze these things.

(SCOTT enters)

! ! SCOTT
Hi.

(ARNIE jumps up, turns his face away

slightly and shakes Scott's hand)

! ARNIE
Hi, Scott. I hope you don't mind me taking my Newsweek back. I
had absolutely nothing to read.

! ! SCOTT
Take it. I'm sure Steph has better things planned for me.
 45

! ! STEPHANIE
Actually, I'd given up on you. Arnie and I were just about to
hop into the sack.

! (ARNIE laughs nervously)

! ! SCOTT
Good, then you've got her all warmed up.

! ! STEPHANIE
You must've gotten even. Why else would you have quit?

! ! SCOTT
As a matter of fact, you're wrong. I didn't get even.
I got ahead. three hundred bucks.
! (HE holds up a wad of bills)

! ! STEPHANIE
You're kidding me! Oh my God! You're not kidding!
! (SHE sees the money)

! ! ARNIE
Terrific. This is your drink, Scott.! !
! (ARNIE hands SCOTT the brandy)

! ! SCOTT
Thanks Arn. You warmed this up for me too.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Hugging him gleefully)
I love you! How did you get the nerve to bet that much?

! ! SCOTT
You're born with it. Like I told you, Arnie, staying power.
Told you not to pull out after you lost forty bucks.

! ! ARNIE
Gotta remember that. Don't pull out too soon. Goodnight.
! (ARNIE exits)

! ! STEPHANIE
Goodnight Arnie.
! (SHE sees SCOTT unbuttoning his shirt)
Here, let me help you with that.

(The LIGHTS CROSSFADE to HONEY'S CABIN.

 46

JUNIOR enters from the bed area, in pajamas,

looking distressed, breathing with
difficulty)

! HONEY (O.S.)
Junior, will you please go back in there and get your oxygen
bottle. Or at least lie down.
!
! JUNIOR
(HE lowers the oxygen bottle)
Lying down is what started this problem. I'll be okay.
! (HONEY enters)
I guess your kisses still take my breath away.

! ! HONEY
I've got your pills. Do you have pain?

! ! JUNIOR
Not yet. But it's ticking fast with some of those flip-flops.
You'd better time me.
! (SHE times his pulse with her watch)
Elephant, stay the fuck away from me. This is just great.
Goddam invalid. This whole trip idea was nuts.

! ! HONEY
No it wasn't. Rubin told you not to get overly concerned about
something like this.

! ! JUNIOR
Screw Rubin. He isn't floating around thousands of miles from a
hospital. What happens if "Dumbo" decides to land on my chest?

! ! HONEY
I'll tear his ears off. Now relax and be quiet for a minute.

(STEPHANIE'S ROOM, almost totally dark)

! STEPHANIE
Darling, you want to move your arm, so there'll be a little more
room? Sweetheart, your arm? Scott?!

! ! SCOTT
Huh? What?

! ! STEPHANIE
You were asleep, you son-of-a-bitch!
 47

! (SHE exits. HE follows)

! ! SCOTT
Maybe you're oversexed Stephanie, d'ya ever think about that?

(HONEY'S ROOM. SHE times JUNIOR'S pulse)

! ! HONEY
It's much slower now. Normal, really.

! ! JUNIOR
You mean normal for a parakeet. Y'know, you really made a lousy
deal, getting me.

! ! HONEY
Best deal of my life.

! ! JUNIOR
After thee months, I'm still scared of my shadow, in and out of
bed.

! ! HONEY
You'd have to be crazy not to be scared. You've had a heart
attack. But remember, you survived it.

! ! JUNIOR
I don't call this surviving.

! ! HONEY
Junior, I just know it would help for you to talk to someone.

! ! JUNIOR
Please don't start with the shrinks again. They aren't going to
convince me that this is any way to live, surrounded by medicine
bottles and oxygen tanks. I ought to just stop taking the
aspirin and the nitro and let nature do its housekeeping.

! ! HONEY
You know I'm not going to let that happen.

! ! JUNIOR
The best anniversary present I could give you, is just to walk
out that door and not come back.

! ! HONEY
Oh, Darling. -- Where are you going?
 48

! ! JUNIOR
I'm going to put on my shoes. One of the few things I can still
do by myself.

! ! HONEY
Do you want something? I'll get it for you.

! ! JUNIOR
I'm taking a walk, which I believe I can handle, if I don't have
to climb more than two steps.

! ! HONEY
! (SHE rises)
Alright where should we walk?

! ! JUNIOR
You aren't going. I want to think things over, alone.

! ! HONEY
I'm not letting you go out there without me!

! ! JUNIOR
Don't make me hurt you! That's a laugh. We both know you could
take me.
! (HE starts to exit)

! ! HONEY
Will you please stop this!

! ! JUNIOR
I am taking this walk alone. If you follow me, I'm going over
the rail. I wasn't a bad hurdler, remember?

! ! HONEY
! (Almost tearful)
You've always been a great hurdler, please come right back.

! ! JUNIOR
Sure.
(HE kisses his fingers, waves, then exits. HONEY
picks up the phone, dials)
 49

! HONEY
(Into the phone)
Arnie, hi, it's Honey. Could you and Scott come up to our room?
No emergency, Junior's okay. Just make it quickly if you can.
! (SHE dials another number)
Dr. Steingerfjord? This is Mrs. Frank. Mr. Frank has
experienced some palpitations. No pain, just a quickened heart
beat with what he calls flip-flops. -- Frankly we were starting
to get intimate. Just barely starting. -- Yes, I timed him and
he's almost back to normal. But he's depressed about it and
insisted on taking a walk around the deck, by himself. I just
wanted to be sure you were available, if I need you. Thanks
doctor. You're very comforting. Goodnight
! (HONEY HANGS UP AS THE KIDS enter)

! LIZ
Mother what's wrong?

! ! HONEY
Nothing. Girls, you didn't have to come.

! ! STEPHANIE
Where's Daddy?

! ! HONEY
He's fine. He was feeling independent and wanted to walk around
the deck. But I'd be more comfortable if the boys found him and
walked along with him, that's all.

! ! ARNIE
Sure. Where is he?

! ! HONEY
Why don't you try the Promenade Deck first? And please call me
right away when you find him.

! ! SCOTT
Right. Let's go Arnie.

! (ARNIE and SCOTT exit)

! ! LIZ
Honey, why didn't you go after Daddy yourself?
 50

! ! HONEY
I told you, he's feeling very independent. Now everything is
fine. I don't want this to spoil the fun of the cruise.

! ! STEPHANIE
What happened? Did you and Daddy have a fight?

! ! HONEY
Be serious. Please girls, everything's under control. Liz,
you're looking tired.
! (SHE busies herself)

! ! LIZ
Why don't we stay with you until Daddy gets back?

! ! HONEY
I'd rather you both go to bed. It's very late.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (The GIRLS exchange glances)
We'd rather keep you company.

! ! HONEY
Girls, I'm going to insist. I'd prefer to be alone right now,
really.

! ! STEPHANIE
You're sure?

! ! HONEY
Positive. Now give me a kiss.

! ! LIZ
Well, okay then.

! ! STEPHANIE
Goodnight, Honey.

! (The GIRLS kiss HONEY, adlib

! goodnights and start to exit)

! ! LIZ
You will call us if you...?
! (Resolutely, SHE stops)
No. We're not leaving.
 51

!
! ! STEPHANIE
! (Thankful that LIZ spoke up)
Good, Liz.
!
! ! LIZ
Mother, it won't work anymore. We're not twelve. We don't want
to be protected from everything.

! ! HONEY
I'm not protecting you.

! ! STEPHANIE
You do it automatically. Whenever there's a problem, you become
reassuring and cheerful, like a press secretary.

! ! HONEY
Sometimes, it's a matter of privacy. Everything in my life is
not open to inspection, even to my daughters.

! ! LIZ
I hate to say this, but I've had conversations with my mother-
in-law that were more personal than any I've ever had with you.
I don't like that.

! ! HONEY
I don't either.
! !
! ! LIZ
What kind of relationship do we have if you won't share the bad
things as well as the good? We want to help.

! ! HONEY
Well you're not helping. All you're doing is upsetting me.

! ! STEPHANIE
Maybe we could help, if you'd be truthful with us, instead of
giving us that brave smile we always get.

! ! HONEY
Don't worry, you're not going to get a smile! Have I ever lied
to either of you!
 52

! ! STEPHANIE
Of course not. But you're not completely honest, either.
Whenever I do something you don't approve of, instead of telling
me how you really feel, you say, "Do whatever you think is
right, dear."
! !
! ! HONEY
You want me to tell you every time I feel your decisions are
immature and overemotional? That will keep me very busy!

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Taken aback)
Oh.

! ! HONEY
It's your turn Liz. When have I lied to you?

! ! LIZ
It's not lying, it's diplomacy. When Arnie and I got married,
you never did come out and admit how you really felt about him.

! ! HONEY
It's true, I didn't think Arnie was good enough for you. And
I'm glad I didn't tell you that. Because, as it's turned out,
Arnie is plenty good enough for you!

! ! LIZ
Thanks.

! ! HONEY
Is there anything else you want to know the truth about?

! LIZ AND STEPHANIE

! (Together)
Yes.

! ! LIZ
What happened with Daddy?

! ! HONEY
Alright, if you won't leave me alone. Daddy and I tried to make
love tonight for the first time since his heart attack. But he
started getting frightened because his heart was racing. He's
terrified. I am too. And he's ashamed of himself because he
 53

doesn't feel like a man anymore. Now what the hell good did it
do for me to tell you that?!

! ! STEPHANIE
A lot of good. At least now we know the pain and frustration
you're going through.

! ! HONEY
I can handle the pain and frustration. What I can't handle is
this.

! ! LIZ
Honey, have you ever considered the possibility that we might
actually be helpful? I've read five heart attack books since
last April, and there are some basic rules they all agree on.

! ! HONEY
Liz, you know what you can do with your damn rules! It's
obvious you think I'm doing a lousy job of taking care of Daddy.

! ! LIZ
I never said that.

! ! HONEY
You didn't have to. I saw the look on your face tonight when I
let Daddy order a hamburger.

! ! LIZ
What look?

! ! HONEY
! (Pointing at LIZ'S face)
That look! Don't you think I know about cholesterol charts?
I've memorized the damn things. But dealing with Daddy is like
walking a tightrope. If he can't have a hamburger once in a
while, he offers you his arm and says, "Just feed me
intravenously." Then he goes off and smokes. You know Liz, you
can be very patronizing and judgemental.
!
! ! LIZ
Well if you don't want me to be truthful.

! ! HONEY
 54

I don't. And Stephanie, you're full of good advice too, which

you always give me on the run, between a tennis game and a
clearance sale.

! ! STEPHANIE
That's unfair Mother, You know I'm always there for you.

! ! HONEY
I know you are Stephanie, be somewhere else for awhile, okay?
! ("The General," totally in charge)
Now, if you both want to really help, go out on that deck and
help those little bastards find your father!
! (Honey points to the door. The girls exit
! obediently. Liz has another thought and comes
! back in. Honey points even more emphatically)
Go!

! (LIZ exits quickly and we FADE TO BLACK)

! ! CURTAIN
 55

! ! ACT TWO

(LIGHTS COME UP to reveal HONEY'S ROOM.

JUNIOR lays on the couch, awake. We hear
the THREE BELLTONES)

! ! CAPTAIN'S VOICE (SPEAKER)

This is Captain Nordenkjell. I'm sure you all enjoyed your nice
sunny day in Oslo, "City of the Vikings." Tonight, we will sail
through the Gulf of Finland to the highlight of our cruise,
Leningrad, the "Versailles by the Sea." Tak.

(During the above, JUNIOR hears something

and pretends he's asleep. HONEY then enters
carrying a book and crosses to JUNIOR,
leaning over him to check his breathing.
JUNIOR brings one hand up and firmly grabs
her behind)

! ! HONEY
! (Shocked, jumping back)
Ahh!! You idiot! I'm going to stop checking you.

! ! JUNIOR
I thought you'd be pleased to feel signs of life. Where've you
been? Having a matinee with Dr. Sardinehead?

! ! HONEY
I had a matinee with my book and a deck chair.

! ! JUNIOR
! (HE checks his watch)
Six fifteen, how come you're not fixing me my Archeecharnya?

! ! HONEY
! (SHE starts making drinks)
Coming right up.

! (There's a knock at the door)

! ! HONEY
It's open, come in.

! ! LIZ (O.S.)
Fine, don't write the damn song.
 56

! (LIZ and ARNIE enter)

! ! LIZ
! (Bright and cheerful)
Hi. Daddy, did you have fun in Oslo?

! ! JUNIOR
I'm whipped, daughter. Your mother dragged me to some huge
sculpture garden. If I never see another bronze pecker, it'll
be soon enough.
!
! (SCOTT enters with a folded Tee shirt)

! ! LIZ
Hi, Scott. Where's Stephie?

! ! SCOTT
She'll be right here.
! (Mischeivously, to ARNIE)
Hey, guy, I bought you a little gift today.
! (HE tosses the Tee shirt to ARNIE)

! ! ARNIE
Really? I didn't know you cared.
! (HE displays the Tee shirt)
The University of Oslo?

! ! SCOTT
! (Chuckling)
Yeah, I though you could wear that to the ship's masquerade
party tomorrow night, and go as someone with an education.

! ! ARNIE
Thanks, I'll try to remember to talk good.

! ! STEPHANIE (O.S.)
Okay, Scott. I'm ready for my entrance.

! ! SCOTT
Right.
! (Announcing)
And now, brought to you at great expense, mine..."The Queen of
Instant Gratification"...Stephanie Gale.
(STEPHANIE enters, modeling her
mink jacket as SCOTT sings)
 57

A PRETTY GIRL, CAN LEAD TO BANKRUPTCY.

! ! STEPHANIE
Isn't it fabulous? Real "Norwegian Mink." The ship's store is
having a sale. Do you believe only a thousand dollars? Liz,
there's one more left. Don't you love it?

! ! LIZ
No, Stephanie, I hate it.
! (EVERYONE reacts)
That shouldn't be a surprise. You know I'm president of the
Valley chapter of "No Fur! No Sir!"
! ! STEPHANIE
Oh, that? Well you're talking about wild animals. These are
domesticated minks, raised on their own little ranch.

! ! LIZ
You think these domesticated minks on their own little ranch
enjoy having their skins ripped off and their bodies ground up
into catfood?

! ! JUNIOR
! (Repulsed)
Jesus! I'm planning to have a rare hamburger tonight.

! ! HONEY
Can we change the subject?

! ! STEPHANIE
God, Elizabeth, you don't have to make me feel like a murderer.

! ! LIZ
I'm being honest. To me, that isn't a jacket, it's twenty mink
carcasses.

! ! SCOTT
! (Dryly)
And twenty well-fed cats.

! ! JUNIOR
Maybe I'll try cornflakes tonight.
! (HE starts to exit)

! ! HONEY
Girls, you're upsetting your father.
 58

! ! JUNIOR
Who's upset? I'm taking a leak.
! (HE exits)

! ! STEPHANIE
! (To LIZ, very emotional)
You know style is important to me. I didn't hurt any animals.
They were already dead.

! ! LIZ
Stephanie, you know better than that. Be honest with yourself.
Your whole life has turned into an empty, narcissistic shopping
spree.

! ! HONEY
Can we talk about something pleasant, like Leningrad?

! ! SCOTT
I vote for that. This is just more of Liz and Arnie's sour
grapes anyway.

! ! ARNIE
What's that supposed to mean?

! ! SCOTT
It means, if you can't afford something, make the people who
can, feel guilty, so they won't enjoy it either.

! ! ARNIE
Who says we can't afford a lousy thousand bucks?

! ! SCOTT
You either can't afford it, or somebody's too cheap to.

! ! ARNIE
Are you calling my wife cheap!?

! ! SCOTT
The two of you have always been critical of anything we buy
that's out of your price range.

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott, don't.

! ! ARNIE
 59

You don't know what our price range is. And I don't give a shit
about how you waste your money. Like on your five thousand
dollar Bang and Olufsen music wall.

! ! SCOTT
Oh for Christ sake! That's Bahng not Bang.

! ! ARNIE
How about Bung?!

! ! LIZ
Please, Arnie. I'm sorry, Honey.

! ! SCOTT
See, you're trying to make me feel guilty again. Well forget
it. I believe that achievers should be rewarded. In this case,
with perfect sound.

! ! HONEY
Boys, here are your drinks.
! (Firmly as SHE hands THEM drinks)
Drink!

! ! ARNIE
And exactly what are your big life achievements, guy? Other
than getting your Dad to make you president of his company?

! ! LIZ
Arnie, stop.

! ! SCOTT
For one thing, I've tripled "Slumbertown's" profits.

! ! ARNIE
Sure, by ripping off Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren .

! ! SCOTT
! (Correcting ARNIE)
Lauren, Arnie. And that's better than ripping off Little Orphan
Annie!

! ! STEPHANIE
That's enough, Scott.
 60

! ! SCOTT
He started it. Oh, and one other thing, I did graduate from a
fairly challenging University, Princeton. How about you?
Wasn't it one semester at some community college?

! ! ARNIE
Yeah, 'cause that's all I needed! And didn't you major in
Architecture and then wimp out and take a cushy job in Daddy's
shmatah business?

! ! SCOTT
You've got nerve calling me a wimp? At least I support my
family, all by myself, without my wife's help.

! ! HONEY
! (Angrily, stepping between THEM)
Goddamit! Now stop it, both of you!

! ! ARNIE
I'm sorry, Honey.
! (HE tosses the Tee shirt to SCOTT)
Here, give this to someone who needs it! And if you want to
discuss this further, you know where to find me.
! (ARNIE exits)

! ! SCOTT
And you know where to find me!

! ! ARNIE (O.S.)
And you know where to find me!

(We see JUNIOR'S HAND wave a white hanky

from the bedroom door. The HE enters)

! ! JUNIOR
Has a truce been called yet?
! !
! ! HONEY
It's just a little flareup.

! ! LIZ
! (Pointing angrily)
Daddy, you've been smoking in there!

! ! JUNIOR
I've been leaking in there.
 61

! ! LIZ
Honey, am I allowed to call him on this?

! ! HONEY
I'll do it.
! (To JUNIOR)
You're not fooling anyone. There's smoke coming out of that
bathroom.
! (SHE points O.S.)

! ! JUNIOR
You're right. I'd better see my urologist. Where's Arnie?

! ! LIZ
He went back to our cabin to work.

! ! SCOTT
Which reminds me, I promised to call Bloomingdale's today.
And it's almost noon in New York. Excuse me.
! (HE checks watch, starts to exit)

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott?!

! ! SCOTT
Yes Darling?

! ! STEPHANIE
You just talked to Bloomingdale's on Thursday.

! ! SCOTT
That's right. And they asked me to call back today, which
means, I get more orders and you get more mink carcasses to
wear.
! (SCOTT exits with his drink. )
! !
! ! HONEY
(To JUNIOR, changing the subject)
Well, it's early to bed tonight, my love. Tomorrow we're going
to have a wonderful day in Leningrad.

! ! JUNIOR
Y'know, I've been thinking about that, I don't think I'll go.
 62

! ! HONEY
! (Controlling her reaction)
Why not? Don't you feel well?

! ! JUNIOR
I feel okay. I'm just not thrilled with Russia.

! ! LIZ
Daddy, Leningrad isn't that different from St. Louis.

! ! JUNIOR
It's a lot different if I need a doctor. What the hell do
Russians know about modern medicine? They can't even make a
decent sportcoat.

! ! HONEY
You're not going to need a doctor. But for your information, I
checked and there are excellent hospitals in Leningrad. Their
doctors speak English and they're as good as ours.

! ! JUNIOR
If they're so smart, how come they can't get that silly blotch
off Gorbachev's head?
! (HE touches his forehead)

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy, you can't miss the Hermitage. It's the most important
museum in the world.

! ! JUNIOR
Ehh, I hear it smells like Bolshevik armpits. Honey, you go to
Leningrad without me. I'll be fine here.

! ! HONEY
If you really don't want to go. I'll stay here with you.

! ! LIZ
Mother!? You know how much you've been looking forward to
Leningrad.
! (SHE turns to JUNIOR)
Daddy, I just have to say something!

! ! HONEY
! (Firmly)
No you don't, Liz.
 63

! ! JUNIOR
Honey's right, angry daughters are her department.

! ! LIZ
I'm not angry. I'm disappointed.

! ! JUNIOR
My department is talking to sons, as soon as Honey has one. Did
I tell you, we're trying to get her biological clock started
again. I think shaking her might help.
! (Starting to exit)

! ! LIZ
Sure Daddy, just tell a joke and leave. That solves everything.

! ! JUNIOR
Right, as long as you make sure you back out of the room.!
! (Backing out, to HONEY)
I'll be in the card room, seperating old farts from their money.

(JUNIOR exits. LIZ, lets out a loud grunt,

her way of venting frustration)

! HONEY
I appreciate your self control, Liz.

! ! LIZ
I've got to get out of here.
! (SHE starts to exit)

! ! STEPHANIE
Liz, don't leave!

! ! LIZ
Why not? Nobody wants to hear the truth. I'm tired of keeping
everything in here.
! (SHE points to her stomach)
In the meantime, I've lost complete respect for my father.

! ! HONEY
! (To LIZ)
That's the last thing you should do.
 64

! ! STEPHANIE
Let's just drop this, before we upset Honey again.

! ! HONEY
No, I want to talk about it. Liz, you should know a little more
about your father before you give up on him. Let me show you
something. I brought this for Daddy to wear to the masquerade
party.
(SHE produces a pullover high school letter
sweater with a "U" on the chest)

! ! STEPHANIE
Oh, Daddy's high school letter sweater.

! ! HONEY
Three years, first string quarterback for the U City Indians.

! ! LIZ
We all know he was a football star.

! ! HONEY
But you don't know this story. We were going steady in Daddy's
senior year, and he took me to a big basketball game, wearing
this sweater. As usual, he got angry at a referee.

! ! LIZ
Honey, I'm sure this is amusing but what does it have to do
with...

! ! HONEY
! (Interrupting, gently but insistently)
Liz, please shut up. Just for a minute. I'm doing this the
best way I know how.

! ! LIZ
I'm sorry. Go ahead.

! ! HONEY
! (Displaying the sweater to the GIRLS)
So, to let the referee know how he felt, Daddy gathered up three
football player friends of his from different high schools.
They were all wearing their letter sweaters and he lined them
up. First, a boy from Ferguson, with his "F," then Daddy, with
his "U," then a boy from Clayton and then one from Kirkwood.
 65

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Enjoying it, along with HONEY)
One from Kirkwood.

! ! HONEY
And they just stood in front of the poor man, growling.

! ! STEPHANIE
I love it.

! ! HONEY
We all got kicked out. I was furious.

! ! LIZ
And that's why I should have respect for Daddy?

! ! HONEY
No Liz, it's what happened after that. We got in a big fight
that night. And that weekend Martin Berger called and asked me
out. I was so angry at Junior, I said yes. Besides, Martin was
handsome and exciting.

! ! STEPHANIE
And he probably had hair then.

! ! HONEY
Daddy was so jealous. He came to my house on Westminster and
told me to cancel the date or he'd cancel Martin Berger. I
said, "I'll see anyone I wish to." I remember Junior's face.
He was so hurt. But neither of us would back down. When he
left, we were both crying. A week later is when I had my
accident.

! ! STEPHANIE
Oh my God! Is that when it happened?

! (HONEY nods)

! ! LIZ
You never would tell us about the details.

! ! HONEY
Well I'm going to tell you now. It happened on a Saturday
night, two in the morning. Martin was driving me home from a
 66

party, and suddenly a car pulled out of a driveway. Martin

couldn't swerve or stop. We smashed head-on into the car.

! ! LIZ
! (Pained and angry)
Oh! And I'll just bet Martin was drinking.

! ! HONEY
Yes, I'm afraid he was.

! ! STEPHANIE
You can't get him, Liz. Martin died last year.

! ! HONEY
I went right through the windshield. That's what they told me.
I don't remember a thing. I was on the critical list for two
weeks, unconscious most of the time. For awhile they thought
I'd lose the sight in both of my eyes. Thank God it was only in
one.

! ! STEPHANIE
And weren't you seventeen?

! ! HONEY
Sixteen. Whenever I woke up, there was this warm hand gripping
mine. That was your father, Liz. He never left my side. I
found out later that he slept at the foot of my bed every night,
till I was out of danger. He kept telling me he loved me more
than ever.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Very moved)
Oh.

! ! HONEY
And I thought, he's only saying that out of loyalty. He
couldn't love me. I looked just awful, all bruised and swollen.
But...he kept squeezing my hand, until...I finally believed him.
Junior gave me the strength I needed. I decided right then,
that I was never going to let anyone feel sorry for me,
including myself. So I started acting as if everything was just
fine.
! (To STEPHANIE)
Kind of like, a press secretary.
 67

! ! STEPHANIE
Oh Honey, I'm an idiot.

! (SHE hugs HONEY)

! ! HONEY
No, you're very perceptive.
! (To LIZ)
It's just hard to change old habits. But I'll try

! ! LIZ
Thanks.
 68

! ! HONEY
Liz, Daddy's always been my protector, now I'm protecting him.
He can't handle that, so he jokes about it. You think he orders
me around? No, that's our code. He's just saying, "Can you
help me, Honey?" It'll take awhile, but he'll be himself again.

! ! LIZ
Okay, I'm off your back about Daddy forever.

! ! HONEY
! (Dryly)
Can I get that in writing?
! (SHE rises, picks up an envelope)
I'd better turn my Hermitage tickets back to the Tour Director.
Could you wait here, in case Daddy comes back?

! ! LIZ
Sure, but just return one ticket. I'll go into Leningrad in the
morning, then come back and be with Daddy while you go in.

! ! STEPHANIE
Me too.

! ! HONEY
That's sweet, girls, but I wouldn't hear of it.

! ! LIZ
Honey, you are going to the Hermitage, or we're both going to
hold our breath.

! (LIZ and STEPHANIE hold a deep breath)

! ! HONEY
Alright, if you promise Daddy won't hear one word about
cholesterol or sex.

! ! STEPHANIE
We promise.
! (HONEY reacts and exits. STEPHANIE calls O.S.)
But for your information, sex lowers cholesterol.
! (Looking at a map, to LIZ)
Okay, we'll catch the nine o'clock bus into Leningrad...

! LIZ
Go ahead, Steph, let me have it. Boy, do I deserve it.
 69

! ! STEPHANIE
What do you mean?
! !
! ! LIZ
My little tantrum over your mink. I was a real horse's ass!

! ! STEPHANIE
But that's you, Liz. I mean I should have remembered how tight
you are with your furry little friends.

! ! LIZ
But I'm tighter with my sister, for God's sake. Forgive me, I'm
just off on a tangent lately, trying to deal with Arnie.

! ! STEPHANIE
What's wrong?

! ! LIZ
Where do I begin? You won't tell Scott?

! ! STEPHANIE
I tell Scott nothing.

! ! LIZ
Well, Arnie's kind of depressed about his writing career. It
could be going a lot better.

! ! STEPHANIE
That's why you haven't told him about your new job?

! ! LIZ
Yeah. And lately, he thinks the answer to his depression is
having sex.

! ! STEPHANIE
Often?

! ! LIZ
! (SHE nods)
If sex alone built self-esteem, Arnie would be an egomaniac.
And the more he wants it, the more frustrated I get.

! ! STEPHANIE
Liz, I'm really trying to sympathize with you, honest. But
Scott and I make love about once every two or three weeks. And
then it's only because we're making up.
 70

! ! LIZ
God, it's like we're all part of a Russian play. A mother and
her two daughters and the three men who are driving them insane.
! (SHE holds the jacket for STEPHANIE,
! trying to hide her repugnance)
Here, try this on. Actually it's very pretty. Wear it...in
good health. And remember, no matter how mean and vicious I
might get, I love my sister.

! ! STEPHANIE
Too bad you don't respect your sister.

! ! LIZ
That's not true. I respect plenty about you. You're smart,
you're talented, you're fun to be with. You have wonderful
taste.

! ! STEPHANIE
It sounds like you're rushing me for a sorority.

! ! LIZ
! (Caught in mid-flatter)
Shit.
! (Another thought)
And you're a terrific mother. That's big. And you were the
best Hunger Drive chairman ever. Everyone said so. And of
course, if we're talking total respect, I never forget...
! (SHE stares at Stephanie's chest)
Your boobs.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (SHE smiles)
Right, it's the one thing Honey didn't divide fair and equal.

! ! LIZ
Every time I put on a padded bra, I hate you.

! ! STEPHANIE
I count on that.

! ! LIZ
Really Steph, you have terrific potential.

! ! STEPHANIE
Which I'm not using
 71

! ! STEPHANIE
Which I never get anyway.
! !
! ! LIZ
Steph, I don't think there's anything you can't do.

! ! STEPHANIE
You're right, dammit.
(STEPHANIE rises, with the mink jacket)

! LIZ
Where are you going?

! ! STEPHANIE
To return this...”No fir, no sir.”

! ! LIZ
! (She reacts happily, rising)
Stephanie, that's wonderful.

! ! STEPHANIE
Yeah, it shows real character. This better earn me some respect
from you, bitch.

! ! LIZ
Total.

! ! STEPHANIE
Good, okay, I’ve got a full schedule. First I’ll take this
back, then, I’m going into St. Petersburg with my sestra.

! ! LIZ
Sestra?

! ! STEPHANIE
! (SHE points at LIZ)
That’s sister in Russian, I killed in vocabulary. Let’s go.
!
! ! LIZ
! (Totally impressed)
Gladly, Steph, I am totally in love with my new “sestra.”
! (LIZ puts her arm around STEPHANIE
! and they exit, as we FADE TO BLACK)
 72

(LIZ smiles. LIGHTS CROSSFADE to LIZ'S

ROOM. ARNIE is typing. WE hear BELLTONES)

! FEMALE INTOURIST GUIDE

(Russian accent)
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is your Intourist
guide, Ludmilla. We hope you are enjoying our sunny day in
Leningrad. The afternoon tour of the Hermitage Museum is now
meeting at the red tour bus.

(LIZ enters wear a red Russian Tee shirt)

! LIZ
Here you are. I can't believe you giving Scott the silent
treatment at lunch.

! ! ARNIE
It wasn't the silent treatment, it's a language barrier. I
don't speak "Asshole."

! ! LIZ
Steph was impressed that I found something wearable to buy in
Leningrad. Here, I got you a Russian chocolate bar.

! ! ARNIE
No thanks.

! ! LIZ
No thanks? You're writing? Your "Mugsy?"

! ! ARNIE
No, my mommy and daddy.

! ! LIZ
Oh? Send them my love?
 73

! ! ARNIE
! (HE hands her the paper)
I did. Here, you'd better read this. In case you have any
comments.

! LIZ
(SHE reads, then angrily)
I'll kill you! Arnie we're not moving back to St. Louis because
of Scott's stupid insults! I can't believe that you see insects
as your life's work!

! ! ARNIE
I don't. I see a seventy thousand a year as my life's work.
Dad says that's the floor, plus a bonus. Why the hell are you
making me apologize for supporting my family?

! ! LIZ
Because, you can do it as a writer, if you don't give up.

! ! ARNIE
You don't want me to give up, huh? You must really believe in
my talent.

! ! LIZ
Of course I do.

! ! ARNIE
It wouldn't have to do with anything else would it?

! ! LIZ
What do you mean? Like what?

! ! ARNIE
Like Mickey Fucking Mouse? Walt Disney? Your new job?

! ! LIZ
How did you find out?

! ! ARNIE
They called last week for your social security number. Nothing
gets by us house husbands. I've been waiting a week for you to
tell me. Why didn't you?
 74

! ! LIZ
I wanted to, the minute after I got the job, but I was afraid it
would depress you. That was the day your agent wasn't returning
your phone calls.

! ! ARNIE
So why didn't you tell me the next day?

! ! LIZ
That was the day your agent dropped you. Then I decided to wait
till we were on the trip, when you'd be in an "up" mood. Ha!
Well now you know. What do you think?

! ! ARNIE
It sounds like a great job. I'm sorry you can't take it.

! ! LIZ
Why not? We love California, you love writing. There'll be
more money, so you can write what you want to write. We can
even think about buying a house. It's a wonderful opportunity.

! ! ARNIE
For you.

! ! LIZ
Not just for me, for both of us. Don't you see?
And what's wrong with it being wonderful for me?

! ! ARNIE
Nothing, if you were married to somebody else. Liz, what did
you expect, that I'd just gracefully let you take over the
support of our family? I make a lousy gigolo.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, I realize something now. You know why I didn't tell you
about my job right away? I was afraid your male image might be
more important to you than my happiness. Guess what? I was
right.! !

! ! ARNIE
It won't work, Babe. I'm guilt-proof on this one.

! ! LIZ
 75

Suddenly I'm discovering a lot about us. Our marriage is solid

as a rock, as long I walk four steps behind you. But if I get
success before you do, we're in big trouble.

! ! ARNIE
! (HE takes the letter, starts to exit)
I've got to mail this. It's a decision I had to make.

! ! LIZ
And I guess I'll have to make my own decision too?

! ! ARNIE
I love you.

! (ARNIE exits. LIGHTS CROSSFADE to

! STEPHANIE'S ROOM. STEPHANIE hides
! behind the door, wearing MINK EARMUFFS
! as SCOTT enters, prepares for a run)

! ! STEPHANIE
Hi, I was looking for your passport and guess what I found?
! (SHE adjusts the earmuffs)

! ! SCOTT
Oh, the mink earmuffs?

! ! STEPHANIE
They're beautiful. Now I'm even happier that I took my jacket
back. Because these were your idea. When were you going to
give them to me?

! ! SCOTT
! (With some difficulty)
Hmmm. Well, to tell the truth, they weren't for you.

! ! STEPHANIE
For Honey? But we got her an anniversary present.

! ! SCOTT
Actually, they're for Marci.

! ! STEPHANIE
Marci?!

! ! SCOTT
 76

Yeah, a little business gift. It's her birthday. But keep 'em
if you want. I'll get her another pair.

! ! STEPHANIE
You shithead! Why couldn't you have just lied and said they
were for me?
! (STEPHANIE exits with the earmuffs)
! ! SCOTT
! (Lightly, exiting to the bathroom)
Listen Steph...I got you these earmuffs.
! (WE hear the sound of a toilet flush)
Not in the toilet.

! (STEPHANIE enters, followed by SCOTT)

! ! STEPHANIE
And I suppose you're going to stick with your story that your
relationship with Marci is all business?

! ! SCOTT
I never said it was all business. But it isn't sex, it's
friendship. We have lunch, maybe catch a show. That's all.

! ! STEPHANIE
And I'm supposed to accept all this because you said she's fat
and unattractive.

! ! SCOTT
Forget I ever mentioned that.

! ! STEPHANIE
I knew it, she's beautiful, isn't she?

! ! SCOTT
No, she's fat and unattractive, but it was cruel of me to say
that. The important thing is, Marci is bright and funny and
interesting to talk to.

! ! STEPHANIE
Oh? And you desperately need these things, because you don't
get them at home?

! ! SCOTT
I've never said that. But it is nice to talk to a woman who has
more on her mind than "What's Madonna wearing to the Oscars?"
 77

! ! STEPHANIE
I've got plenty on my mind if I had someone to communicate with.

! ! SCOTT
Oh oh, you're using "communicate." We're in trouble.

! ! STEPHANIE
For your information, I read a lot more than you do. And
probably more than Marci too.

! ! SCOTT
I wouldn't make this a contest if I were you. Marci graduated
with honors from Stanford. Where did you go? The University of
Shopping? Rah! And didn't you come home crying after three
weeks?

! ! STEPHANIE
You son of a bitch. Westbury College for Women is a damn good
school. It's only two blocks from Harvard. And I only came
home because I was confused and homesick. If you had any
respect for me, you'd understand that.

! ! SCOTT
Stephanie, I'll give you anything money can buy. But respect's
a little different. That you've got to earn.

! ! STEPHANIE
You always know just what to say, to make me feel like two
cents.

! ! SCOTT
Excuse me, I'm gonna take a run.
(HE grabs sweat clothes
from under his bed)

! ! STEPHANIE
You're not running right now. I want to discuss this.
! (SHE grabs his jockstrap)

! ! SCOTT
! (Holding his hand out)
Alright, hand over my jockstrap!

! ! STEPHANIE
Your balls can flap in the wind for all I care! I want to talk
about our marriage.
 78

! ! SCOTT
Big mistake. Y'see, I treat our marriage like a litter box. If
you don't dig too deep, you won't find the shit.
(HE grabs the jockstrap from
HER and exits to the bathroom)
 79

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Calling O.S.)
Very funny Scott. How funny do you think this is. Maybe we
should think about divorce.

! ! SCOTT (O.S.)
! (Chuckling)
We can't get a divorce. We're unbeatable at mixed doubles.

! ! STEPHANIE
Goddamit, you better take me seriously.

(HE enters wearing his sweatpants,

pulling on his sweatshirt)

! ! SCOTT
Just stop throwing words around, okay? I don't want a divorce.
Besides, you're not going out there alone and you know it. You
can't even spend a whole cocktail party at the other end of the
room.
! (Making a sincere effort)
Alright, you want to talk? I'm listening.
! (HE sits, ties his shoes)

! ! STEPHANIE
I spent last night thinking about what Daddy did when Honey had
her accident.

! ! SCOTT
What you told me about him sleeping at the foot of her hospital
bed?

! ! STEPHANIE
Yes. And the way they've always adored each. I don't like
feeling envious of my own parents. Be honest, would you ever
sleep at the foot of my bed?
!
! ! SCOTT
I don't believe you're putting me through this.

! ! STEPHANIE
You're right, it's silly to compare their marriage with ours.
You never even tell me you love me, unless I ask if you do.

! ! SCOTT
Oh boy, are we communicating.
 80

! ! STEPHANIE
I've also been wondering if I could be as devoted as Honey is,
if you had a heart attack.
!
! ! SCOTT
Well, I'd better stay healthy then.
! (HE rises)
Where's my pulse timer? Ah, here we go.
! (HE finds the watch and puts it on)
I shouldn't be gone more than an hour.

! ! STEPHANIE
Scott, don't leave!

! ! SCOTT
I'm leaving. What are you gonna do, go home to your mother's
stateroom?

! (SCOTT exits)

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Calling after him)
I really don't like you.

(LIGHTS CROSSFADE to HONEY'S ROOM. HONEY

enters, wearing casual clothes and Reeboks,
loading things into a "fanny pack." We hear
the THREE BELLTONES)

! FEMALE INTOURIST GUIDE

(Russian accent)
This is the last call for the Hermitage Museum afternoon tour.
All passengers with tour tickets will report to the red bus,
departing in ten minutes. Thank you.

! ! HONEY
! (Calling O.S.)
I'll be back as soon as I can. All your pills...are you
listening to me?

! ! JUNIOR (O.S.)
My hearing aid's in there. Just talk right into it.
! (HE enters)

! ! HONEY
 81

All your pills are here. Why not take your aspirin now?
! (SHE hands HIM water and
! aspirin, HE takes it)
Here's your oxygen tank, but you're not going to need it. And
here's Sardinehead's number. You won't need that either. Here
are the girls numbers and they'll be dropping by to see you.
I'll be back before you know it.

(The TELEPHONE RINGS. LIGHTS COME UP in

STEPHANIE'S ROOM, SHE is on the phone)
! !
! ! JUNIOR
! (HE picks up the phone)
Ingmar's Bar.

! ! STEPHANIE
! (Tearfully)
Daddy?

! ! JUNIOR
Stephanie? What's wrong? Are you okay?

! ! STEPHANIE
No. Can I come up and talk to you?

! ! JUNIOR
You want to talk? What about?

! ! STEPHANIE
My awful marriage. I'm divorcing Scott!

! ! JUNIOR
Jesus! This is definitely your mother's department.

(HE starts to hand the phone

to HONEY, but STEPHANIE shouts)

! ! STEPHANIE
DADDY! I have to talk to you. Can I come up or not?

! ! JUNIOR
! (Into the phone)
Sure, but give me a few minutes before you do. Bye.

(STEPHANIE and JUNIOR hang up. The LIGHTS

DIM in STEPHANIE'S ROOM)
 82

! ! HONEY
What's wrong?

! ! JUNIOR
I'm in deep shit. Stephanie says she's divorcing Scott.
!
! ! HONEY
My God, what did he do?

! ! JUNIOR
! (Panicked)
Who the hell knows? The problem is she wants to talk to me
about it. And she's crying. Obviously you can't go to
Leningrad.
! ! ! !
! ! HONEY
I suppose you're right.

! ! JUNIOR
Of course I'm right. This emotional stuff's always been your
department.

! ! HONEY
But she asked specifically to talk to you.

! ! JUNIOR
Just tell her I'm not feeling well and had to lay down for
awhile. And you won't be lying.
! (HE moves slowly toward bedroom)

! ! HONEY
But Darling...

! ! JUNIOR
I'm not up to this. You know that.

! ! HONEY
Well, okay, if you really feel that shaky.

! ! JUNIOR
I do. Let's not push my luck. You'll say just the right
things. You always do.
! (HE exits)

! ! HONEY
 83

! (SHE thinks, makes a decision)

Junior. Come back here.

! ! JUNIOR
! (HE reappears at the door)
What?

! ! HONEY
You're going to have to talk to Stephanie yourself.
I can't take you off the hook this time.

! ! JUNIOR
No! She's crying. You know how that upsets me.

! ! HONEY
So, you'll be upset with the rest of us. For three months I've
let you avoid anything you didn't want to do. Which is pretty
much everything. I can't do that this time. I'm not going to
protect you from your own daughter.

! ! JUNIOR
You picked a funny time to get strict. You want me to have
another heart attack?

! ! HONEY
You're not going to have another heart attack.

! ! JUNIOR
Well I'm not staying around to find out.

! (HE moves to exit. SHE blocks his way)

! ! HONEY
The hell you aren't! You're going to wait for your daughter!
Now sit down.

! ! JUNIOR
No.

! ! HONEY
(SHE takes off her fanny pack and brandishes
it like a weapon)
I'm warning you, this is a very heavy fanny pack!

! JUNIOR
(HE sits)
 84

Alright I'll sit down. But in case you're interested, there's

definite pain going on in here.
! (HE points to his chest)

! ! HONEY
Then take a nitro.
(SHE throws HIM the bottle, HE
catches it, puts it down)

! ! JUNIOR
No, the hell with it! I hope I do have a heart attack. I told
you I'm a useless bastard and finally you believe me!

! ! HONEY
All I believe is you're acting like a spoiled brat instead of
the head of your family.

! ! JUNIOR
Well you won't have to put up with me much longer.
! (HE takes out the pink capsule
! and stands up)

! ! HONEY
Now what the hell's that?

! ! JUNIOR
This happens to be a "terminator pill."

! ! HONEY
A terminator pill?
! !
! ! JUNIOR
Yes. I made Rubin give it to me, so that when the time came to
put an end to my miserable existence, I could make a quick and
graceful exit.

! ! HONEY
I see.

! ! JUNIOR
You don't think I'll use it?

! ! HONEY
 85

Who cares? If you're so intent on leaving me forever, I can't

stop you. But there is one thing you should know before you
take that pill.

! ! JUNIOR
What?

! ! HONEY
It happens to be a laxative capsule.

! ! JUNIOR
! (HE reacts)
You're out of your mind!

! ! HONEY
Am I? Why don't you call Rubin? He told me all about the
"terminator." He said you asked for "a quick way to go." And
that's exactly what you've got there.

! ! JUNIOR
That shithead! Okay, I'll find another way to do it. And
believe me, you'll be a lot better off.

! ! HONEY
Damn you, will you stop these stupid suicide threats! You've
always been like this. Whenever you don't want to do something,
you find a way to get out of it. Just like the way you got out
of trigonometry in high school.

! ! JUNIOR
I did not get out of trigonomety. I stayed in that class and
flunked like a man.

! ! HONEY
And you won't go to funerals because you say they depress you.
So when someone we know dies, I have to go alone and make some
lame excuse for you.

! ! JUNIOR
I'll be glad to go to funerals, whenever you prove to me that
the stiff knows I'm there.
! !
! ! HONEY
Liz is right. You never fail to have a funny answer. What's
your funny answer for not being a father when your daughters
were growing up?
 86

! ! JUNIOR
I resent that. I was always there, right behind you. Is it my
fault I don't know how to lead a Girl Scout troop? What did you
want me to do, talk them through their first period?

! (HONEY puts on her fanny pack)

! ! HONEY
Yes, if that's what they needed from you! Now, I’m going to
Leningrad and you will face your daughter and talk to her,
unless you want to take the easy way out and kill yourself.
There's enough nitroglycerine pills there to do the job. And if
that doesn't work, swallow your oxygen tank for all I care!

! (HONEY opens the door and exits.

! STEPHANIE enters, looks back at HONEY)

! ! STEPHANIE
Goodbye, Honey. Is this a bad time, Daddy?

! ! JUNIOR
We'll find out, won't we? Come on in.
So, you're having a problem?

! ! STEPHANIE
Yes, and I'm going to get rid of him. But I want to discuss
something more important. You and me.

! ! JUNIOR
You and me? Okay.
! (HE sits, takes a nitro out)
I don't know how good I'll be at this. We haven't had that many
father/daughter talks.

! ! STEPHANIE
We've never had a father/daughter talk.

! ! JUNIOR
Of course we have. We used to talk a lot when we did all those
fun things together, like riding and going to baseball games.
And we had plenty of talks when I taught you how to play poker.

! ! STEPHANIE
 87

Daddy, your saying, "Never smile when you get a full house,"
doesn't count as a talk.
! !
! ! JUNIOR
Unless my memory is completely shot, I don't think you ever
heard me say I was too busy for you.

! ! STEPHANIE
I know, but it's always been jokes and hugs and compliments.
We've never had a talk.

! ! JUNIOR
Well we're going to have one now. Just be patient with me if I
say something stupid.

! ! STEPHANIE
Don't worry, I will.

! ! JUNIOR
-- I think I said something stupid. Why don't you talk first?

! ! STEPHANIE
For fifteen years, Scott's been making me feel like a beautiful
appendage, the most expensive baby sitter in the world.

! ! JUNIOR
That's awful. And he's totally wrong, Steph. You're a fine
talented girl.

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy, I'm thirty six. And I'm trying to be honest with myself.
Scott doesn't love me. Not the way you love Honey. Not even
the way he loves "Slumbertown." And the truth is I don't love
him either.

! ! JUNIOR
Does he know you're thinking about divorce?

! ! STEPHANIE
Yes. He just laughed and said I'd never divorce him. I'd be
too terrified to be out there alone. He's right. I am scared.
And Daddy, it's your fault.

! ! JUNIOR
My fault? That sounds familiar. You want to explain that?
 88

(HE takes a nitro, holds his heart)

! STEPHANIE
Oh God, you're doing your Napoleon. This is too much stress for
you.

! ! JUNIOR
It is not. Go on.
! (HE takes the nitro out, throws it)

! ! STEPHANIE
No Daddy, I'm being selfish. We'll talk sometime in St. Louis.

! ! JUNIOR
I already wasted a pill. I want to talk now!

! ! STEPHANIE
We've talked enough. You're a sick man.

! ! JUNIOR
! (Definitely in charge)
I'm not a sick man, I'm your father. And when I say we're going
to talk, we're going to talk! You don't tell a guy he's a lousy
father and then walk out the door.

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy, you're not a lousy father. You're wonderful. I wouldn't
trade you for any other father in the world.
! (SHE returns)

! ! JUNIOR
Good, I'm off the trading block.
! (HE holds his heart, then stops)
Now, why is your unhappiness my fault?

! ! STEPHANIE
I know how much you wanted a son, Stephen Frank the Third, to
bring into the family business and teach football to. And then
I was born, all you got was the name. Stephanie.

! ! JUNIOR
Now I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't want a son. I was afraid
a daughter might end up with this face.
! (HE points to his face)
But you know I'm nuts about you. As far as I'm concerned, you
can't do anything wrong.
 89

! ! STEPHANIE
See, that's how you screwed me up! You were always too easy on
me. And when I became a teenager, you just turned me over to
Honey.

! ! JUNIOR
But you were a young lady. What could I have said to you?

! ! STEPHANIE
If I had been your son, you would have had plenty to say. And
demanded much more.

! ! JUNIOR
I don't know about that.

! ! STEPHANIE
I do. Remember when I entered college. And I called after a
week and said I hated it and I begged you to let me come home.
What did you do?

! ! JUNIOR
I let you come home. But there were extenuating circumstances.

! ! STEPHANIE
What?

! ! JUNIOR
You were crying!

! ! STEPHANIE
If I were your son, what would you have done?

! ! JUNIOR
Jesus! I didn't know this was going to be questions and
answers. I guess I would have done what my father did when I
dropped out of college. I'd take him into the business. And
start him from the ground up and make him work his ass off.

! ! STEPHANIE
I accept.

! ! JUNIOR
What?
 90

! ! STEPHANIE
What's good enough for your son, is good enough for me.

! ! JUNIOR
Very funny.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'm not kidding Daddy. I need a job. I've never needed
anything so much in my life.

! ! JUNIOR
But I'm in the pants business.

! ! STEPHANIE
That's my specialty, knowing what looks good in pants.

! ! JUNIOR
But I've already told you, I'm selling the business.

! ! STEPHANIE
I know. You can tell United Textiles I'm part of the package.
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's style. Remember in the
Sixties, when you made those Nehru jackets? I'm the one who
told you you'd be stuck with 'em.

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, I remember. We sold a few.

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy, I'll bring Frank Brothers into the Twenty First Century.

! ! JUNIOR
Stephanie, this is crazy. I know you're feeling lousy about
your marriage but going to work for Frank Brothers isn't the
answer. If you're worried about money, you know I'm going to
back you up. And I'm not gonna let Scott shirk his obligations.

! ! STEPHANIE
I don't want to be an obligation. I want a career!

! ! JUNIOR
Well, open a boutique or go into decorating. You're gifted at
that. Don't think you can just walk into a complicated business
like mine. You don't know a damn thing about it.
 91

! ! STEPHANIE
That's what you're going to teach me, while you're working my
ass off, like you would a son. Daddy, I'm a salesman. You
think it's easy to sell a thousand dollar ad in a hunger drive
magazine to a builder who's having a lousy year? If I can sell
a hundred thousand dollars worth of those ads, I can sell pants.

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, I guess you could. But what the hell am I going to do if
you don't work out? How am I going to fire my own daughter?

! ! STEPHANIE
You won't have to. I'll put a pink slip in an envelope on your
desk, the day I go to work. All you have to do is mail it. --
And I'll go to work for your competition.

! ! JUNIOR
It must be hereditary. I threatened Grandpa with that too.
Well, at least you won't have to punch out the loading dock
foreman to prove yourself, like I did. She was a tough old
broad. -- Alright, let me talk this over with your mother.

! ! STEPHANIE
No you don't! Not this time. This is your department.

! ! JUNIOR
You don't let up.

! ! STEPHANIE
That's right. Do I have a job?

! ! JUNIOR
I guess a daughter's got a right to expect nepotism too. Okay,
you've got a job, Kiddo.
! (HE shakes her hand)

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy, I know I'm asking a lot. Thanks.
! (SHE hugs JUNIOR)

! ! JUNIOR
Don't thank me, just go after my job. Hey, this might be fun.
Tell you what, we get back Saturday. I'll pick you up Monday
morning and we'll drive down to the office together.
 92

! ! STEPHANIE
Terrific. You sure Monday's okay for you, with jet lag?

! ! JUNIOR
Just worry about yourself daughter. And I get to work early.
Be ready at eight sharp.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'll be at the curb. But make it 7:30, so you can show me
around the factory before work.

! ! JUNIOR
Jesus. I may be facing an internal takeover.

! ! STEPHANIE
Okay, I've worn you out enough. You get some rest.
! (SHE kisses HIM, starts to leave)

! ! JUNIOR
Hold on a minute. I'm not tired. And there's one other thing
I'd like to get straight here.

! ! STEPHANIE
Yeah?

! ! JUNIOR
What we had just now, that was a goddam talk, right?!

! ! STEPHANIE
Yes, Daddy. That was a goddam talk.

! ! JUNIOR
Good. -- That wasn't as tough as a treadmill test.

(THEY exit. LIGHTS UP ON LIZ'S ROOM. ARNIE

enters, followed by SCOTT, whose Princeton
Tee shirt is soaked with sweat)

! ARNIE (O.S.)
Scott? What are you doing here?

! ! SCOTT (O.S.)
I've been waiting for you, Arn.

! ! ARNIE
 93

What happened, d'ya fall overboard?

! ! SCOTT
I was running.

! ! ARNIE
Look, I don't want to fight.

! ! SCOTT
Neither do I. Sorry, I was a little rough on you yesterday.

! ! ARNIE
That's okay. I was rough too.

! ! SCOTT
We're the outsiders in this family. We've got to stick
together. Besides, I'm not ready to lose you as a friend.

! ! ARNIE
We're friends?

! ! SCOTT
I've always thought so. Are you saying we're not?

! ! ARNIE
No, I'm not saying that.

! ! SCOTT
Good. Clean slate, guy?
! (HE offers his hand, Ivy League style)
! ARNIE
Sure, guy.

! (THEY shake hands, then SCOTT hugs ARNIE)

! ! SCOTT
Arn, I need your help.

! ! ARNIE
! (Dealing with his now damp shirt)
Yeah?
!
! ! SCOTT
Stephanie and I just had a little...blood letting. Slightly
worse than the usual. So, I'm running around the Promenade
Deck, thinking, I do not have a good marriage.
 94

! ! ARNIE
Okay.

! ! SCOTT
And at the same time I'm thinking, Liz and Arnie do have a good
marriage. Why?

! ! ARNIE
I don't know, for one thing, we both think we do.

! ! SCOTT
That's good, that's positive thinking. Maybe you and Liz could
talk to Stephanie for me?

! ! ARNIE
You want us to convince her you're a great husband?

! ! SCOTT
No, just that I'm trying. She doesn't think I try, which is
total bullshit. I have never said no to her, regardless of what
she wants. Does that sound like I'm a guy who doesn't care?

! ! ARNIE
Scott, you do want to stay married?

! ! SCOTT
Of course. Divorce is one complication I don't need.

! ! ARNIE
Well I figure if a marriage is gonna work, it's got to have
three things.

! ! SCOTT
Yeah? What?

! ! ARNIE
Love, respect and laughs.

! ! SCOTT
! (HE considers it for a beat)
Those formula things don't work for me. Not that I don't try
that stuff. But Stephanie's a bottomless pit. She's got to be
reassured constantly, about everything.
! !
! ! ARNIE
 95

Do you love her?

! ! SCOTT
Have you been talking to her? That's all she wants to know.
Of course I love her. I'm proud as hell when I walk into a room
with Stephanie. But I also have other things to worry about.
Like a business that doesn't move an inch if I don't push it.
And believe me, there are plenty of people who'd love to see me
fall on my ass.

! ! ARNIE
I'll bet.

! ! SCOTT
Why am I always supposed to be understanding with her? When's
she gonna start trying to understand me? Shit, y'know I think
what Freud said on his death bed was right.

! ! ARNIE
Oh, you mean, "Cancel that shtrudel?"

! ! SCOTT
Sorry, I wasn't throwing Princeton at you.

! ! ARNIE
No, go ahead, throw it.

! ! SCOTT
Listen, with all my psyche courses, you're happier than I am.

! ! ARNIE
Hey, now you got me curious. What did Siggy say?

! ! SCOTT
What Freud said was, "What do women want?"

! (LIZ enters)

! ! LIZ
Hi.

! ! ARNIE
Hi.

! ! SCOTT
Hi, Liz. I'd better see if Stephanie's back. Thanks, guy.
 96

! (SCOTT exits)

! ARNIE

Sure guy.
! (To LIZ)
Where were you?

! ! LIZ
Trying to find you...to tell you something. If it means that
much to you, we'll go back to St. Louis.

! ! ARNIE
You wouldn't mind?

! ! LIZ
I'd mind, but I'd go.

! ! ARNIE
What about your job at Disney?

! ! LIZ
It's not as important to me as you are.

! ! ARNIE
But they told me you'd have your own office and your own parking
space on "Goofy Drive."

! ! LIZ
I know. You still come out ahead. Barely. I'll find a good
company in St. Louis. But Arnie, I happen to be excellent at
what I do. If I end up as President of Ralston Purina, are you
gonna be able to deal with that?

! ! ARNIE
No. -- Because we're not going back to St. Louis. I didn't
send the letter.

! ! LIZ
Why not?

! ! ARNIE
Let me tell you something about the males in my family. I'm a
jerk, my father's a jerk, my grandfather was a jerk. No, he was
a shmuck. I come from a tradition of big pride, big ego and big
balls. I can't change myself, but I love your ass. So I'm
 97

gonna lay down on the tracks for you. I might get up and run
before the train comes. -- I want you to take the Disney job.

! ! LIZ
Thanks.

! ! ARNIE
So, you'll be making twice as much as I do.

! ! LIZ
Three times.

! ! ARNIE
Jesus. Y'know now that I've bought the idea, three times is a
lot easier to take. Congratulations, I'm proud of you.

! ! LIZ
I'm proud of you too.
! (THEY kiss)

! ! ARNIE
You better be. I'm feeling okay about myself, after my talk
with Scott. It's funny, I have a whole different attitude about
that guy.

! ! LIZ
You mean you don't want him dead anymore?

! ! ARNIE
Not for the time being. He's really pathetic and lost. He's
got a terrific girl like Stephanie and he doesn't love her. He
doesn't know how to love. You know, he'd never admit it, but he
envies us plenty. Even if he does think you're cheap and I'm
tasteless.

! ! LIZ
A good marriage is the best revenge.

! ! ARNIE
You're goddam right.

! ! LIZ
Arnie, I've been thinking about taking care of something for a
long time.

! ! ARNIE
 98

Oh, you mean adding a hard disk to your Macintosh? Sure, why
not?

! ! LIZ
I'm talking about fixing my tits.

! ! ARNIE
What?!

! ! LIZ
A breast enhancement operation. So I feel better in my clothes.
And I'm sure you wouldn't mind it.

! ! ARNIE
Are you kidding me?

! ! LIZ
It's simple. They make a little slit right here and put in a
silicone pouch.

! ! ARNIE
! (Squirming in imagined pain)
Ahhh! Don't even joke about doing that. Are you crazy?
Silly Putty tits?

! ! LIZ
It's not dangerous.

! ! ARNIE
How do you know? I just read about that on the plane, in "Ms
Magazine." They don't know about the long term effects of that
shit. I'm not letting you roll the dice with your life.

! ! LIZ
But your eyes are always on Stephanie's cleavage.

! ! ARNIE
Hey, I'm fascinated by the San Andreas Fault, but I don't want
to sleep with it.

! ! LIZ
You honestly feel that way?

! ! ARNIE
 99

Absolutely. Haven't I ever told you? I hate big tits. I'm

hooked on the smell of foam rubber.
! (HE buries his face in her chest)

! (The LIGHTS CROSSFADE to STEPHANIE'S

! ROOM. We hear THREE BELLTONES.
! STEPHANIE is on the bed)

! ! CAPTAIN'S VOICE (SPEAKER)

This is Captain Nordenkjell. Tonight, a real treat aboard the
Royal Norway. Norwegian Night, with our staff and crew doing
clog dances to Norwegian folk music. And I would like to offer
special congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Stephan Frank Jr. and
their happy family, who are celebrating a very important
anniversary tonight. Or as we say in Norwegian, Gratolara
Miadagen.

! (SCOTT enters in damp running clothes)

! ! SCOTT
Hi, where you been?

! ! STEPHANIE
Talking with Daddy, in his room. He's offered me a job at Frank
Brothers.

! ! SCOTT
! (HE chuckles)
What really happened? Be serious.

! ! STEPHANIE
I am serious. He's decided not to retire. He's going to take
me into Frank Brothers and teach me the whole business, from the
stock room up.

! ! SCOTT
That's ridiculous. What good are you gonna be in the mens'
clothing business?

! ! STEPHANIE
Daddy seemed excited about having a new Frank in the company.
And I think he also feels good about preparing me for my new
independent life...without you.

! ! SCOTT
What the hell are you talking about?
 100

! ! STEPHANIE
I don't love you Scott.

! ! SCOTT
You discussed this with Junior?

! ! STEPHANIE
Of course, he's my father.

! ! SCOTT
You want me to say I love you, right?

! ! STEPHANIE
No.

! ! SCOTT
Well I want to say it. I love you. Okay?

! ! STEPHANIE
You don't have to move out right away. You can sleep in the
guest room while you find an apartment.

! ! SCOTT
Look, why didn't you say you wanted to work? You can work
for...with me, at "Slumbertown."

! ! STEPHANIE
That's a lousy idea. I'm sure neither of our lawyers would go
for that.

! ! SCOTT
Will you stop this? I apologize. For whatever you're pissed
off about, I am really sorry. There, isn't that what you want?

! ! STEPHANIE
I just told you what I want.

! ! SCOTT
You're not getting a divorce. I don't want a divorce. You're
very important to me. And to Donny and Rick. What kind of
mother would leave her boys when they need her most.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'm not leaving. You're leaving. Don't worry, you can have the
boys on the weekends, for their "How to be a winner lessons."
 101

! ! SCOTT
Stephanie, come on, I'll never talk to Marci again. I'll dump
Bloomingdale's if you want me to.

! ! STEPHANIE
I wouldn't do that. You don't want to lose your best account
and your marriage at the same time.

! ! SCOTT
! (An understanding smile)
Go ahead, Steph, I don't blame you. It's healthy getting these
things out, communicating.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'll go up to the ship's store and buy you some dry earmuffs for
Marci.
! (SHE starts to exit)
!
! ! SCOTT
Wait! Forget that! Look for one thing, please don't discuss
this with your parents anymore. You don't want to ruin their
anniversary party? Now we have plenty of time to make things
right between us, starting now. Number one, I'm on Perrier
tonight, okay?
(HE points to the floor)
And two, if that's is where you want me, at the foot of your
bed, you got it. Of course, I wouldn't mind you being down
there with me. See, I'll give you what you want.

! ! STEPHANIE
I'm sorry Scott. I'm sure you'd try; or at least, you'd think
you were trying; but you're not going to change.

! ! SCOTT
I will change. Just give me a chance. Stephanie, please?

! ! STEPHANIE
The store's going to close.
! (SHE starts to exit, then stops)
Scott, I never thought it would give me so little pleasure to
say this. You lose.
! (SHE exits)
!
! ! SCOTT
Stephanie!
 102

!
(SCOTT exits. LIGHTS CROSSFADE to HONEY'S
ROOM. JUNIOR enters, putting on his letter
sweater. There's a knock at the door)

! ! LIZ (O.S.)
Daddy, hi, it's Liz and Arnie.

! ! JUNIOR
Come on in.

(LIZ and ARNIE, noshing

from a plate, enter)

! LIZ
Just checking in to see how you're doing? Oh Daddy, you're
wearing your "FUCK sweater."

! ! ARNIE
What?

! ! LIZ
I'll explain later.
! (To DADDY)
Honey left for Leningrad?

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, she uh...took off.

! ! ARNIE
! (HE offers JUNIOR his plate)
Junior?

! ! JUNIOR
Thanks, Arnie.
! (JUNIOR takes a snack)
How many smorgasbords does this make for you today?

! ! ARNIE
Just one...but it's continuous.

! ! LIZ
Stephanie told us the wonderful news about your offering her a
job and going back to work.
! !
! ! JUNIOR
 103

Is that what I did?

! (Then smiling)
Yeah, my daughter and I are gonna be a team.

! (HONEY enters)

! ! HONEY
! (To JUNIOR)
Hi. You okay?

! ! JUNIOR
Compared to who?

! ! HONEY
! (Reassured)
You're okay

! ! LIZ
Honey, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at the
Hermitage?

! ! HONEY
! (SHE shrugs)
I heard the place smells like bolshevik armpits.
Liz, could you excuse us? Daddy and I need to talk.

! ! LIZ
Sure. Daddy, I'm so proud of you.
! (SHE hugs him emotionally)

! ! JUNIOR
Thanks, daughter.

! ! ARNIE
I was always proud of you.

! ! JUNIOR
What, no hug?

! ! ARNIE
Hell yes.

! (ARNIE and JUNIOR hug)

! ! JUNIOR
 104

Gotta hang on to you. You might be the only little bastard

left.

! (As LIZ and ARNIE exit, JUNIOR gives

! ARNIE a pat on the behind. ARNIE reacts)
! !
! ! JUNIOR
So how come you didn't go to Leningrad?

! ! HONEY
Didn't feel like it. Had this fight with my boyfriend. So I
decided to just "mellow-out," as Stephanie calls it.

! ! JUNIOR
Oh? You had a few drinks at the bar?

! ! HONEY
You don't know anything about women, do you? All the vodka in
Leningrad couldn't have given me the lift I just got from one
little...
! (SHE sits, displaying her hands)
Manicure. But now that you've made me think about it, a vodka/
tonic sounds even better.
! (SHE starts to rise)

! ! JUNIOR
I got it.
! (Moving to the bar with energy)
One Archeecharnya with malaria juice, coming up.

! ! HONEY
What? You're fixing?

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, I thought I'd kiss up to you a little, since you had that
mishap before, when your head exploded.

! ! HONEY
I'm fine now. I stuffed everything back in.

! ! JUNIOR
You haven't been that angry at me since the last time I wore
this sweater.

! ! HONEY
 105

I guess I haven't.

! ! HONEY
So tell me, what happened with Stephanie?

! ! JUNIOR
Poor kid has some real problems. Her marriage isn't working,
she feels lousy about herself, she wants to start a business
career. And she really needed a good cry.

! ! HONEY
Oh God, I'll call her right away.

! ! JUNIOR
Not necessary. Her father took care of it.

! ! HONEY
He did?

! ! JUNIOR
You think the only thing I fix is drinks?
! (HE hands HER her a drink)

! ! HONEY! !
Is that all you're going to tell me?

! ! JUNIOR
I'll tell you lots of stuff, later. You'll be nauseatingly
happy about it.

! ! HONEY
What do you have planned for now?

! ! JUNIOR
I just thought I'd let things happen. Happy anniversary.
! (HE clinks her glass)

! ! HONEY
The same to you.

! (THEY drink)

! ! JUNIOR
Excuse me.
! (HE puts his glass down, walks to
 106

! the stairs and leaps two at once.

! HE turns the speaker knob on.
! We hear "IT HAD TO BE YOU.")

! ! HONEY
Mmm, my favorite song.

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, how about that, our "passional anthem."

! (HE turns a wall light switch off)

! ! HONEY
That's a coincidence.

! ! JUNIOR
No, that's payola.
! (HE turns off a second wall switch)
Fifty bucks and they play it all night long. !
! (HE motions for her to come)

! ! HONEY
Ooh, are we going to dance?

! ! JUNIOR
Yeah, about fifteen feet, in that direction.
! (HE points to bedroom door)

! ! HONEY
Oh? And then what's going to happen?

! ! JUNIOR
Can you handle a non-smartass answer?

! ! HONEY
Try me.

! ! JUNIOR
I'm going to thank you, in my own humble fashion, for being my
lifetime sweetheart...even when I didn't deserve it.

! ! HONEY
I can handle that, you marvelous pain in the ass
! (SHE kisses him)

! ! JUNIOR
 107

Great. Now...could you carry me into the bedroom?

! (SHE laughs, HE kisses her)

! ! CURTAIN
 108

SANTA MONICA PRODUCTION

NOVEMBER 10, 2013

aspirin & ELEPHANTS

A NEW COMEDY

by

Jerry Mayer

! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! (C) 1989 Jerry Mayer
! ! ! ! All Rights Reserved
 109

! ! ! ! 860 Vista Pacifica

! ! ! Pacific Palisades, Ca.
! ! ! ! 90272

! ! ! ! (213) 459-1548

(To the tune of HUMORESQUE)

WE'RE ON A BOAT TO GIVE A VOTE,
TO PASSION WITH NO ANTIDOTE.
THE LOVE BUG REALLY STUNG WITH QUITE A STING.
THEIR LOVE'S STILL FINE AT THIRTY NINE,
THEIR LIFE IS ONE BIG VALENTINE,
SINCE JUNIOR FRANK GAVE HONEY STERN THAT RING.