Al

identifyingdetails,includingnames,havebeenchangedexceptforthosepertainin
gto
theauthors’familymembers.Thisbookisnotintendedasasubstituteforadvicefro
ma trainedprofessional.

Copyright©2014byMindYourBrain,Inc.,andBrysonCreativeProductions,Inc.

Excerptfrom TheWhole-BrainChild
byDanielJ.Siegel,M.D.,andTinaPayneBryson,
Ph.D.,copyright©2011byMindYourBrain,Inc.,andBrysonCreativeProductio
ns,Inc.

Al rightsreserved.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyBantamBooks,animprintofRandomHouse,adi
vision ofRandomHouseLLC,aPenguinRandomHouseCompany,NewYork.

BANTAMBOOKSandtheHOUSEcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofRando
mHouseLLC.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData

Siegel,DanielJ.

No-dramadiscipline:thewhole-
brainwaytocalmthechaosandnurtureyourchild’s
developingmind/DanielJ.Siegel,M.D.,TinaPayneBryson,Ph.D.

pagescm

ISBN978-0-345-54804-7(hardback)—ISBN978-0-345-54805-4(ebook)
1.Parenting.

2.Childdevelopment. 3.Childrearing. I.Bryson,TinaPayne. II.Title.

HQ755.8.S53272014

649.1—dc23
2014008270

Il ustrationsbyTuesdayMourning

www.bantamdel .com

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v3.1

Totheyouthoftheworld,ourvitalteachers(DJS)
Formyparents:myfirstteachersandmyfirstloves(TPB)

CONTENTS

Cover

TitlePage

Copyright

Dedication

BeforeYouReadThisBook:AQuestion

Introduction:Relational,Low-DramaDiscipline

Chapter1ReTHINKINGDiscipline

Chapter2YourBrainonDiscipline

Chapter3FromTantrumtoTranquility:ConnectionIstheKey

Chapter4No-DramaConnectioninAction

Chapter51-2-3Discipline:RedirectingforToday,andfor
Tomorrow

Chapter6AddressingBehavior:AsSimpleasR-E-D-I-R-E-C-T

ConclusionOnMagicWands,BeingHuman,Reconnection,and

Change:FourMessagesofHope

FurtherResources

ConnectandRedirectRefrigeratorSheet

WhenaParentingExpertLosesIt

ANotetoOurChild’sCaregivers

TwentyDisciplineMistakesEvenGreatParentsMake

AnExcerptfrom TheWhole-BrainChild

Acknowledgments

OtherBooksbyThisAuthor

BEFOREYOUREADTHISBOOK
AQuestion
Acerealbowlgetsthrownacrossthekitchen,splatteringmilk
andCheeriosalloverthewall.

The dog runs in from the backyard and has inexplicably been

paintedblue.

Oneofyourkidsthreatensayoungersibling.

Yougetacallfromtheprincipal’so ceforthethirdtimethis

month.

Whatdoyoudo?

Before you answer, we want to ask you to completely forget

abouteverythingyouknowaboutdiscipline.Forgetwhatyouthink

thewordmeans,andforgetwhatyou’veheardabouthowparents

shouldrespondwhenkidsdosomethingthey’renotsupposedto.

Instead, ask yourself a question: Are you open to at least

thinking about a di erent approach to discipline? One that helps you achieve
your immediate goals of getting your kids to do the right thing in the
moment, as well as your longer-range goals of
helpingthembecomegoodpeoplewhoarehappy,successful,kind,

responsible,andevenself-disciplined?

Ifso,thisbookisforyou.

INTRODUCTION
Relational,Low-DramaDiscipline:Encouraging

CooperationWhileBuildingaChild’sBrain

Youarenotalone.

If you feel at a loss when it comes to getting your kids to

arguelessorspeakmorerespectfully…ifyoucan’t gureouthow

tokeepyourtoddlerfromclimbinguptothetopbunk,orgethim

to put on clothes before answering the front door … if you feel frustrated
having to utter the same phrase over and over again (“Hurry! You’re going
to be late for school!”) or to engage in another battle over bedtime or
homework or screen time … if
you’veexperiencedanyofthesefrustrations,youarenotalone.

In fact, you’re not even unusual. You know what you are? A

parent.Ahumanbeing,andaparent.

It’shardtofigureouthowtodisciplineourkids.Itjustis.Alltoo

oftenitgoeslikethis:Theydosomethingtheyshouldn’tdo.Weget

mad. They get upset. Tears ow. (Sometimes the tears belong to thekids.)

It’s exhausting. It’s infuriating. All the drama, the yelling, the
hurtfeelings,theguilt,theheartache,thedisconnection.

Do you ever nd yourself asking, after an especially agonizing interaction

with your kids, “Can’t I do better than this? Can’t I handlemyself better, and
be a more e ective parent? Can’t I

disciplineinwaysthatcalmthesituationratherthancreatemore

chaos?” You want the bad behavior to stop, but you want to
respondinawaythatvaluesandenhancesyourrelationshipwith

yourchildren.Youwanttobuildyourrelationship,notdamageit.

Youwanttocreatelessdrama,notmore.

Youcan.

In fact, that’s the central message of this book: You real y can discipline in a
way that’s ful of respect and nurturing, but that also
maintainsclearandconsistentboundaries.Inotherwords,youcando
better.Youcandisciplineinawaythat’shighonrelationship,high
onrespect,andlowondramaandcon ict—andintheprocess,you

can foster development that builds good relationship skills and improves
your children’s ability to make good decisions, think
aboutothers,andactinwaysthatpreparethemforlifelongsuccess

andhappiness.

We’vetalkedtothousandsandthousandsofparentsalloverthe

world,teachingthembasicsaboutthebrainandhowitaffectstheir

relationship with their kids, and we’ve seen how hungry parents
aretolearntoaddresschildren’sbehaviorinwaysthataremore

respectful and moree ective.Parentsaretiredofyellingsomuch, tired of seeing

their kids get so upset, tired of their children
continuingtomisbehave.Theseparentsknowthekindofdiscipline

they don’t want to use, but they don’t know what to do instead.

They want to discipline in a kind and loving way, but they feel
exhaustedandoverwhelmedwhenitcomestoactuallygettingtheir

kidstodowhatthey’resupposedtodo.Theywantdisciplinethat

worksandthattheyfeelgoodabout.
In this book, we’ll introduce you to what we call a No-Drama, WholeBrain
approach to discipline, o ering principles and

strategiesthatwillremovemostofthedramaandhighemotions

thatsotypicallycharacterizediscipline.Asaresult,yourlifeasa

parent will be easier and your parenting will become more

e ective. More important, you’ll create connections in your

children’s brains that build emotional and social skills that will serve them
now and throughout their entire life—all while

strengthening your relationship with them.What we hope you’ll discover is

that the moments when discipline is called for are
actuallysomeofthemostimportantmomentsofparenting,times when we have
the opportunity to shape our children most

powerfully.Whenthesechallengesarise—andtheywill—you’llbe

abletolookatthemnotmerelyasdreadeddisciplinesituationsfull

ofangerandfrustrationanddrama,butasopportunitiestoconnect

withyourchildrenandredirectthemtowardbehaviorthatbetter

servesthemandyourwholefamily.

If you are an educator, therapist, or coach who is also

responsibleforthegrowthandwell-beingofchildren,youwill nd

thatthesetechniquesworkjustaswellforyourstudents,patients

and clients, or teams. Recent discoveries about the brain give us deep
insights into the children we care for, what they need, and how to discipline
them in ways that foster optimal development.
We’ve written this book for anyone who cares for a child and is
interestedinloving,scienti callyinformed,e ectivestrategiesto help children
grow well. We’ll use the word “parent” throughout the book, but if you’re a
grandparent, a teacher, or some other signi
cantpersoninthelifeofachild,thisbookisalsoforyou.

Ourlivesaremoremeaningfulwithcollaboration,andthisjoining

together can begin with the many adults who cooperate in the
nurturingofachildintheearliestdaysoflifeonward.Wehopeall

children have many caregivers in their lives who are intentional

abouthowtheyinteractwiththemand,whennecessary,discipline

theminwaysthatbuildskillsandenhancetheirrelationship.

ReclaimingtheWord“Discipline”

Let’s begin with the actual goal of discipline. When your child misbehaves,
what do you want to accomplish? Are consequences yourultimategoal?
Inotherwords,istheobjectivetopunish?

Ofcoursenot.Whenwe’reangry,wemay feel likewewantto punish our child.

Irritation, impatience, frustration, or just being unsure can make us feel that.
It’s totally understandable—even common. But once we’ve calmed down
and cleaned the raw egg

outof everyone’s hair, we know that giving consequences is not

ourultimategoal.

Sowhat do wewant?What is thegoalofdiscipline?

Well,let’sstartwithaformalde nition.Theword“discipline”

comes directly from the Latin word disciplina, which was used as far back
as the eleventh century to mean teaching, learning, and giving instruction.
So, from its inception in the English language,
“discipline”hasmeant“toteach.”
These days, most people associate only punishment or

consequences with the practice of discipline. It’s like the mother

withtheeighteen-month-oldsonwhoaskedDan:“I’mdoingalot

ofteachingwithSam,butwhendoIstartdisciplininghim?”The

mothersawthatsheneededtoaddressherson’sbehaviors,andshe

assumedthatpunishmentiswhatdisciplineismeanttobe.

Asyoureadtherestofthisbook,wewantyoutokeepinmind

what Dan explained: that whenever we discipline our kids, our

overallgoalisnottopunishortogiveaconsequence,buttoteach.

The root of “discipline” is the word disciple, which means “student,”

“pupil,” and “learner.” A disciple, the one receiving discipline, is not a
prisoner or recipient of punishment, but one
whoislearningthroughinstruction.Punishmentmightshutdowna

behavior in the short term, but teaching o ers skills that last a lifetime.

Wethoughtalotaboutwhetherweevenwantedtousetheword

“discipline”inourtitle.Weweren’tsurewhattocallthispractice

of setting limits while still being emotionally attuned to our

children,thisapproachthatcentersonteachingandworkingwith

our kids to help them build the skills to make good choices. We
decidedthatwewanttoreclaimtheword“discipline,”alongwith its original
meaning. We want to completely reframe the whole
discussionanddifferentiate discipline from punishment.

Essential y,wewantcaregiverstobegintothinkofdisciplineasone of the most

loving and nurturing things we can do for kids. Our childrenneedto learn
skillslikeinhibitingimpulses,managingbig angry feelings, and considering
the impact of their behavior on others. Learning these essentials of life and
relationships is what they need,andifyoucanprovideitforthem,you’llbeo
eringa signi cantgiftnotonlytoyourchildren,buttoyourwholefamily

and even the rest of the world. Seriously. This is not mere

hyperbole.No-DramaDiscipline,aswe’lldescribeitinthecoming

pages,willhelpyourkidsbecomethepeopletheyaremeanttobe,

improving their ability to control themselves, respect others,

participateindeeprelationships,andlivemoralandethicallives.

Just think, then, about the generational impact that will have as they grow
up with these gifts and abilities, and raise children of their own, who can
then pass on these same gifts to future

generations!

It begins with rethinking what discipline really means,

reclaimingitasatermthat’snotaboutpunishmentorcontrol,but

about teaching and skill building—and doing so from a place of

love,respect,andemotionalconnection.

TheDualGoalsofNo-DramaDiscipline

E ective discipline aims for two primary goals. The rst is

obviouslytogetourkidstocooperateanddotherightthing.Inthe

heat of the moment, when our child is throwing a toy in a

restaurant or being rude or refusing to do homework, we simply want her to

act like she’s supposed to. We want her to stop

throwing the toy. We want her to communicate respectfully. We

wanthertogetherhomeworkdone.
With a small child, achieving the rst goal, cooperation, might
involvegettinghimtoholdyourhandashecrossesthestreet,or

helpinghimputdownthebottleofoliveoilhe’sswinginglikea

baseball bat in aisle 4 at the grocery store. For an older child it

mightmeanproblem-solvingwithhimtodohischoresinamore timely fashion,
or discussing how his sister might feel about the phrase“fat-
buttedlonelygirl.”

You’llhearussayitrepeatedlythroughoutthebook:everychild

isdi erent,andnoparentingapproachorstrategywillworkevery

time.Butthemostobviousgoalinallofthesesituationsistoelicit

cooperationandtohelpachildbehaveinwaysthatareacceptable

(likeusingkindwords,orputtingdirtyclothesinthehamper)and

avoid behaviors that aren’t (like hitting, or touching the gum

someoneleftunderthetableatthelibrary).Thisistheshort-term

goalofdiscipline.

For many people, that’s the only goal: gaining immediate

cooperation. They want their kids to stop doing something they

shouldn’tbedoingorbegindoingsomethingtheyshouldbedoing.

That’swhywesooftenhearparentsusephraseslike“Stopit now!”

andthetimeless“BecauseIsaidso!”

Butreally,wewantmorethanmerecooperation,don’twe?Of

course we want to prevent the breakfast spoon from becoming a weapon. Of

course we want to promote kind and respectful
actions,andreducetheinsultsandbelligerence.

But there’s a second goal that’s just as important, and whereas

gettingcooperationistheshort-termobjective,thissecondgoalis

morelong-term.Itfocusesoninstructingourchildreninwaysthat

develop skills and the capacity to resiliently handle challenging situations,

frustrations, and emotional storms that might make them lose control. These
are the internal skills that can be generalized beyond the immediate
behavior in the moment and
thenusednotonlynow,butlaterinavarietyofsituations.This internal, second
major goal of discipline is about helping them develop selfcontrol and a
moral compass, so that even when

authority gures aren’t around, they are thoughtful and

conscientious. It’s about helping them grow up and become kind

andresponsiblepeoplewhocanenjoysuccessfulrelationshipsand

meaningfullives.

We call this a WholeBrain approach to discipline because, as

we’llexplain,whenweusethewholeofourownbrainasparents,

we can focus on both the immediate external teachings and the long-
terminternallessons.Andwhenourchildrenreceivethisform

ofintentionalteaching,they,too,cometousetheirwholebrains.

Overthegenerations,countlesstheorieshavecroppedupabout

howtohelpourchildren“growupright.”Therewasthe“sparethe

rodandspoilthechild”school,anditsopposite,the“freetobeyou

andme”school.Butinthelasttwentyyearsorso,duringwhat’s
been called “the decade of the brain” and the years that have followed,
scientists have discovered an immense amount of

information aboutthe way the brain works, and it has plenty to

tellusaboutloving,respectful,consistent,effectivediscipline.

Wenowknowthatthewaytohelpachilddevelopoptimallyis

to help create connections in her brain—her whole brain—that develop

skills that lead to better relationships, better mental health, and more
meaningful lives. You could call it brain

sculpting,orbrainnourishing,orbrainbuilding.Whateverphrase

you prefer, the point is crucial, and thrilling: as a result of the words we use
and the actions we take, children’s brains will
actuallychange,andbebuilt,astheyundergonewexperiences.

E ectivedisciplinemeansthatwe’renotonlystoppingabadbehavior or
promoting a good one, but also teaching skil s and nurturing the
connections in our children’s brains that wil help them make better
decisions and handle themselves wel in the future. Automatically.

Because that’s how their brains will have been wired. We’re

helpingthemunderstandwhatitmeanstomanagetheiremotions,

tocontroltheirownimpulses,toconsiderothers’feelings,tothink

aboutconsequences,tomakethoughtfuldecisions,andmuchmore.

We’rehelpingthemdeveloptheirbrainsandbecomepeoplewho

are better friends, better siblings, better sons and daughters, and
betterhumanbeings.Then,oneday,betterparentsthemselves.

As a huge bonus, the more we help build our kids’ brains, the
lesswehavetostruggletoachievetheshort-termgoalofgaining
cooperation.Encouragingcooperation and buildingthebrain:these are the
dual goals—the external and the internal—that guide a loving,e
ective,Whole-Brainapproachtodiscipline.It’sparenting withthebraininmind!

AccomplishingOurGoals:SayingNototheBehavior,butYestothe
Child
How do parents typically accomplish their discipline goals? Most
commonly, through threats and punishment. Kids misbehave, and
theimmediateparentalreactionistoo erconsequenceswithboth

gunsblazing.
Kidsact,parentsreact,thenkidsreact.Rinse,lather,repeat.And

formanyparents—probablyfor most parents—consequences(along

withahealthydoseofyelling)areprettymuchtheprimarygo-to

discipline strategy: time-outs, spanking, taking away a privilege,

grounding,andonandon.Nowonderthere’ssomuchdrama!But

as we’ll explain, it’s possible to discipline in a way that actually removes

many of the reasons we give consequences in the rst place.

To take it even further, consequences and punitive reactions are actual

yoftencounterproductive,notonlyintermsofbuildingbrains, but even when it
comes to getting kids to cooperate. Based on our
personalandclinicalexperience,aswellasthelatestscienceabout the developing
brain, we can tell you that automatically giving consequences is not the best
way to accomplish the goals of discipline.

What is? That’s the foundation of the No-Drama Discipline

approach, and it comes down to one simple phrase: connect and redirect.
ConnectandRedirect
Again,everychild,likeeveryparentingsituation,isdi erent.But

oneconstantthat’strueinvirtuallyeveryencounteristhatthe rst

step in e ective discipline is to connect with our children

emotionally. Our relationship with our kids should be central to everything

we do. Whether we’re playing with them, talking with them, laughing with
them, or, yes, disciplining them, we want
themtoexperienceatadeeplevelthefullforceofourloveand

a ection, whether we’re acknowledging an act of kindness or

addressingamisbehavior.Connectionmeansthatwegiveourkids

ourattention,thatwerespectthemenoughtolistentothem,that

we value their contribution to problem solving, and that we

communicate to them that we’re on their side—whether we like

thewaythey’reactingornot.

Whenwedisciplinewewanttojoinwithourkidsinadeepway

that demonstrates how much we love them. In fact, when our

children are misbehaving, that’s often when they most need

connectionwithus.Disciplinaryresponsesshouldchangebasedon

achild’sage,temperament,andstageofdevelopment,alongwith

thecontextofthesituation.Buttheconstantthroughouttheentire

disciplinary interaction should be the clear communication of the deep

connection between parent and child. Relationship trumps
anyoneparticularbehavior.

However, connection isn’t the same thing as permissiveness.

Connecting with our kids during discipline doesn’t mean letting them do
whatever they want. In fact, just the opposite. Part of truly loving our kids,
and giving them what they need, means o
eringthemclearandconsistentboundaries,creatingpredictable

structure in their lives, as well as having high expectations for them.

Children need to understand the way the world works:

what’spermissibleandwhat’snot.Awell-de nedunderstandingof

rules and boundaries helps them achieve success in relationships

andotherareasoftheirlives.Whentheylearnaboutstructurein

the safety of their home, they will be better able to ourish in outside
environments—school, work,relationships—where they’ll
facenumerousexpectationsforappropriatebehavior.Ourchildren

need repeated experiences that allow them to develop wiring in their brain
that helps them delay grati cation, contain urges to
reactaggressivelytowardothers,and exiblydealwithnotgetting

their way. The absence of limits and boundaries is actually quite

stressful,andstressedkidsaremorereactive.Sowhenwesayno

and set limits for our children, we help them discover

predictability and safety in an otherwise chaotic world. And we

buildbrainconnectionsthatallowkidstohandledi cultieswellin

thefuture.

In other words, deep, empathic connection can and should be

combinedwithclearand rmboundariesthatcreateneededstructure in
children’s lives. That’s where “redirect” comes in. Once we’ve connected
with our child and helped her calm herself so she can hear us and fully
understand what we’re saying, we can then

redirecthertowardmoreappropriatebehaviorandhelpherseea

betterwaytohandleherself.

But keep in mind, redirection is rarely going to be successful while a child’s

emotions are running high. Consequences and

lessonsareine ectiveaslongasachildisupsetandunabletohear

the lessons you’re o ering. It’s like trying to teach a dog to sit whilehe’s
ghtinganotherdog.A ghtingdogwon’tsit.Butifyou
canhelpachildcalmdown,receptivenesswillemergeandallow

her to understand what you’re trying to tell her, much more

quicklythanifyoujustpunishedorlecturedher.

That’swhatweexplainwhenpeopleaskaboutthedemandsof

connectingwithchildren.Someonemightsay,“Thatsoundslikea

respectfulandlovingwaytodiscipline,andIcanseehowitwould

helpmykidsinthelongrun,andevenmakedisciplineeasierdown

theroad.Butcomeon!I’vegotajob!Andotherkids!Anddinner

to make, and piano and ballet and Little League and a hundred
otherthings.I’mbarelykeepingmyheadabovewaterasitis!How

am I supposed to nd the extra time necessary to connect and

redirectwhenIdiscipline?”

Wegetit.Wereallydo.Bothofuswork,ourspouseswork,and
we’re both committed parents. It’s not easy. But what we’ve

learnedaswe’vepracticedtheprinciplesandstrategieswediscuss

in the following chapters is that No-Drama Discipline isn’t some

sortofluxuryavailableonlytopeoplewithallkindsofextratime

ontheirhands.(We’renotsurethatkindofparentactuallyexists.)

It’snotthattheWhole-Brainapproachrequiresthatyoucarveout

tonsofextratimetoengageyourkidsindiscussionsabouttheright

waytodothings.Infact,No-DramaDisciplineisallabouttaking

ordinary, in-the-moment parenting situations and using them as

opportunitiestoreachyourkidsandteachthemwhat’simportant.

Youmightthinkthatyelling“Knockito !”or“Quitwhining!”or

givinganimmediatetime-outwouldbequicker,simpler,andmore

e ectivethanconnectingwithachild’sfeelings.Butaswe’llsoon

explain,payingattentiontoyourchild’semotionswillusuallylead

to greater calm and cooperation, and do so much more quickly,

thanwilladramaticparentaloutburstthatescalatestheemotions

allaround.

And here’s the best part. When we avoid bringing extra chaos and drama to
disciplinary situations—in other words, when we combine clear and
consistent limits with loving empathy— everyone wins. Why? For one
thing a No-Drama, WholeBrain

approachmakeslifeeasierforbothparentsandkids.Inhighstress

moments—forinstance,whenyourchildthreatenstothrowtheTV
remote into the toilet mere seconds before the season nale of your beloved
hospital drama—you can appeal to the higher,

thinkingpartofherbrain,ratherthantriggeringthelower,more

reactivepart.(WeexplainthisstrategyindetailinChapter3. )Asa result, you’re

going to be able to avoid most of the yelling and crying and anger that
discipline so often causes, not to mention keeping the remote dry and
getting you to your program long

beforethefirstambulancerollsontoyourscreen.

More important, connecting and redirecting will, to put it as simply as

possible, help your kids become better human beings, both now and as they
grow toward adulthood. It will build the internalskills they’ll need
throughout their lives. Not only will they move from a reactive state to a
receptive place where they can actually learn—that’s the external,
cooperation part—but
connectionsintheirbrainwillbebuiltaswell.Theseconnections

will allow them to grow more and more into people who know

how to control themselves, think about others, regulate their

emotions,andmakegoodchoices.You’llbehelpingthembuildan

internal compass they can learn to rely on. Rather than simply
tellingthemwhattodoanddemandingthattheyconformtoyour

requests, you’ll be giving them experiences that strengthen their

executivefunctionsanddevelopskillsrelatedtoempathy,personal

insight,andmorality.That’stheinternal,brain-buildingpart.

Theresearchisreallyclearonthispoint.Kidswhoachievethe

best outcomes in life—emotionally, relationally, and even

educationally—haveparentswhoraisethemwithahighdegreeof
connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear
limits and high expectations. Their parents remain consistent while still
interacting with them in a way that
communicateslove,respect,andcompassion.Asaresult,thekids

are happier, do better in school, get into less trouble, and enjoy
moremeaningfulrelationships.

You won’t always be able to discipline in a way that both

connectsandredirects.Wedon’tdoitperfectlywithourownkids,

either. But the more we connect and redirect, the less drama we
seewhenwerespondtoourkids’misbehavior.Evenbetter,they

learn more, they build better relationship and con ict-resolution

skills,andtheyenjoyanevenstrongerrelationshipwithusasthey

growanddevelop.
AbouttheBook
What’s involved in creating a discipline strategy that’s high on
relationshipandlowondrama?That’swhattherestofthebook

will explain. Chapter 1, “ReTHINKING Discipline,” poses some questions

about what discipline is, helping you identify and develop your own
discipline approach with these No-Drama

strategiesinmind. Chapter2,“YourBrainonDiscipline,” discusses the

developing brain and its role in discipline.Chapter 3, “From

Tantrum to Tranquility,” will focus on the “connect” aspect of

discipline,emphasizingtheimportanceofcommunicatingthatwe

loveandembraceourchildrenforwhotheyare,eveninthemidst

ofadisciplinarymoment. Chapter4stayswiththistheme,o ering speci

cstrategiesandsuggestionsforconnectingwithkidssothat they can calm down
enough to really hear us and learn, thus

makingbetterdecisionsinboththeshorttermandthelongterm.

Thenit’stimetoredirect,whichisthefocusofChapter5. The emphasis will be on

helping you remember the one de nition of discipline (to teach), two key
principles (wait until your child is
ready,andbeconsistentbutnotrigid),andthreedesiredoutcomes (insight,
empathy, and repair). Chapter 6 then concentrates on speci c redirection
strategies you can use for achieving the immediate goal of eliciting
cooperation in the moment, and for teaching kids about personal insight,
relational empathy, and taking steps toward making good choices. The
book’s concluding
chaptero
ersfourmessagesofhopeintendedtohelpyoutakethe
pressure o yourself as you discipline. As we’ll explain, we all mess up when
we discipline. We’re all human. There is no such
thingasa“perfectparent.”Butifwemodelhowtodealwithour

mistakesandthenrepairtherelationshipafterward,evenourless—

than-perfect responses to misbehavior can be valuable and give kids

opportunities to deal with di cult situations and therefore develop new skills.
(Phew!) No-Drama Discipline isn’t about

perfection. It’s about personal connection and repairing ruptures

whentheyinevitablyoccur.

You’ll see that we’ve included a “Further Resources” section at

thebackofthebook.Wehopethisadditionalmaterialwilladdto

yourexperienceofreadingthebookandhelpyouimplementthe

“connect and redirect” strategies in your own home. The rst

document we call a “Refrigerator Sheet.” It contains the most essential

concepts from the book, presented so you can easily remind yourself of the
core No-Drama principles and strategies.

Feelfreetocopythissheetandhangitonyourrefrigerator,tapeit

tothedashboardofyourcar,orpostitanywhereelseitmightbe

helpful.

Nextyou’llseeasectioncalled“WhenaParentingExpertLoses

It,”whichtellsstoriesofwhenwe,DanandTina,have ippedour
lidsandtakenthelowroadinourownrolesasparents,ratherthan

disciplining from a No-Drama, WholeBrain approach. In sharing

thesestorieswithyou,wesimplywanttoacknowledgethatnone
ofusisperfect,andthatallofusmakemistakeswithourkids.We
hopeyou’lllaughalongwithusasyouread,andnotjudgeustoo

harshly.

Nextcomes“ANotetoOurChild’sCaregivers.”Thesepagesare

just what you’d expect: a note you can give to the other people
whotakecareofyourchildren.Mostofusrelyongrandparents,

babysitters,friends,andotherstohelpusraiseourkids.Thisnote

laysoutabriefandsimplelistofthekeyNo-Dramaprinciples.It’s

similartotheRefrigeratorSheet,butit’swrittenforsomeonewho

has not read No-DramaDiscipline.Thatwayyoudon’thavetoask your in-laws

to buy and read the entire book (although nobody’s
stoppingyoufromdoingthatifyouwant!).

After the note to caregivers, you’ll see a list called “Twenty

DisciplineMistakesEvenGreatParentsMake.”Thisisonemoreset

ofreminderstohelpyouthinkthroughtheprinciplesandissueswe

raiseinthecomingchapters.Thebookthencloseswithanexcerpt

from our earlier book, TheWhole-BrainChild. By reading through

thisexcerpt,youcangetabetterideaofwhatwemeanwhenwe talk about parenting
from a WholeBrain perspective. It’s not
necessarythatyoureadthisexcerpttounderstandwhatwepresent

here,butit’sthereifyou’dliketogodeeperintotheseideasand
learn other concepts and strategies for building your children’s
brainsandleadingthemtowardhealth,happiness,andresilience.

Ouroverallgoalinthisbookistodeliveramessageofhopethat

willtransformhowpeopleunderstandandpracticediscipline.One

of the typically least pleasant parts of working with children— discipline—

can actually be one of the most meaningful, and it doesn’t have to be full of
constant drama and reactivity for both you andyour child. Children’s
misbehavior really can be

transformedintobetterconnectionsbothinyourrelationshipand

within your child’s brain. Disciplining from a WholeBrain

perspectivewillallowyoutocompletelyshiftthewayyouthink
aboutyourinteractionswithyourchildrenwhentheymisbehave, and recognize
those moments as opportunities to build skills that
willhelpthemnowandintoadulthood,nottomentionmakinglife

easierandmoreenjoyableforeveryoneinthefamily.
CHAPTER1
ReTHINKINGDiscipline

Here are some actual statements we’ve heard from parents

we’veworkedwith.Doanyofthemresonatewithyou?
Do these comments sound familiar? So many parents feel like

this.Theywanttohandlethingswellwhentheirkidsarestruggling

todotherightthing,butmoreoftenthannot,theyendupsimply

reacting to a situation, rather than working from a clear set of principles and
strategies. They shift into autopilot and give up
controloftheirmoreintentionalparentingdecisions.

Autopilotmaybeagreattoolwhenyou’re yingaplane.Just

iptheswitch,sitbackandrelax,andletthecomputertakeyou

where it’s been preprogrammed to go. But when it comes to

disciplining children, working from a preprogrammed autopilot
isn’tsogreat.Itcan yusstraightintowhateverdarkandstormy

cloudbankislooming,meaningparentsandkidsalikeareinfora

bumpyride.

Insteadofbeingreactive,wewanttoberesponsivetoourkids.

We want to be intentional andmakeconsciousdecisionsbasedon principles

we’ve thought about and agreed on beforehand. Being intentional means
considering various options and then choosing the one that engages a
thoughtful approach toward our intended outcomes. For No-Drama
Discipline, this means the shortterm external outcome of behavioral
boundaries and structure and the long-
terminternaloutcomeofteachinglifeskills.

Let’ssay,forexample,yourfour-year-oldhitsyou.Maybehe’s

angrybecauseyoutoldhimyouneededto nishanemailbefore

youcouldplayLegoswithhim,andherespondedbyslappingyou

ontheback.(It’salwayssurprising,isn’tit,thatapersonthatsmall
caninflictsomuchpain?)

What do you do? If you’re on autopilot, not working from a

speci c philosophy for how to handle misbehavior, you might

simply react immediately without much re ection or intention.

Maybeyou’dgrabhim,possiblyharderthanyoushould,andtell

himthroughclenchedteeth,“HittingisnotOK!”Thenyoumight

give him some sort of consequence, maybe marching him to his

roomforatime-out.
Is this the worst possible parental reaction? No, it’s not. But coulditbebetter?
De nitely. What’sneededisaclearunderstanding ofwhatyouactual
ywanttoaccomplishwhenyourchildmisbehaves.

That’s the overall goal of this chapter, to help you understand the importance
of working from an intentional philosophy and having a clear and consistent
strategy for responding to

misbehavior. As we said in the introduction, the dual goals of

disciplinearetopromotegoodexternalbehaviorintheshortterm

andbuildtheinternalstructureofthebrainforbetterbehaviorand

relationshipskillsinthelongterm.Keepinmindthatdisciplineis

ultimatelyaboutteaching.Sowhenyouclenchyourteeth,spitout

a rule, and give a consequence, is that going to be e ective in

teachingyourchildabouthitting?

Well,yesandno.It might achievetheshort-terme ectofgetting him not to hit

you. Fear and punishment can be e ective in the moment, but they don’t
work over the long term. And are fear, punishment, and drama really what
we want to use as primary

motivatorsofourchildren?Ifso,weteachthatpowerandcontrol

arethebesttoolstogetotherstodowhatwewantthemtodo.

Again, it’s completely normal to just react when we get angry,

especiallywhensomeonein ictsphysicaloremotionalpainonus.

Buttherearebetterresponses,responsesthatcanachievethesame

shortterm goal of reducing the likelihood of the unwanted

behaviorinthefuture,whilealsobuildingskills.Soratherthanjust
fearingyourresponseandinhibitinganimpulseinthefuture,your
child will undergo a learning experience that creates an internal
skillbeyondsimplyanassociationoffear.Andallofthislearning

can occur while reducing the drama in the interaction and

strengtheningyourconnectionwithyourchild.

Let’stalkabouthowyoucanrespondtomakedisciplinelessofa

fear-creatingreactionandmoreofaskill-buildingresponseonyour

part.

TheThreeQuestions:Why?What?How?

Beforeyourespondtomisbehavior,takeamomenttoaskyourself

threesimplequestions:

1. Whydidmychildactthisway? Inouranger,ouranswermightbe
“Becausehe’saspoiledbrat”or“Becausehe’stryingtopushmy

buttons!” But when we approach with curiosity instead of

assumptions, looking deeper at what’s going on behind a

particular misbehavior, we can often understand that our child was trying to
express or attempt something but simply didn’t
handleitappropriately.Ifweunderstandthis,weourselvescan

respondmoreeffectively—andcompassionately.

2. WhatlessondoIwanttoteachinthismoment? Again,thegoalof
disciplineisn’ttogiveaconsequence.Wewanttoteachalesson

—whether it’s about selfcontrol, the importance of sharing,

actingresponsibly,oranythingelse.

3. How can I best teach this lesson? Considering a child’s age and
developmentalstage,alongwiththecontextofthesituation(did
herealizethebullhornwasswitchedonbeforeheraisedittothe

dog’sear?),howcanwemoste ectivelycommunicatewhatwe

wanttogetacross?Toooften,werespondtomisbehaviorasif

consequences were the goal of discipline. Sometimes natural

consequences result from a child’s decision, and the lesson is taught without
our needing to do much. But there are usually moree
ectiveandlovingwaystohelpourkidsunderstandwhat

we’retryingtocommunicatethantoimmediatelyhandoutone—

size-fits-allconsequences.

Byaskingourselvesthesethreequestions—why,what,andhow

—when our children do something we don’t like, we can more

easilyshiftoutofautopilotmode.Thatmeanswe’llbemuchmore

likelytorespondinawaythat’se ectiveinstoppingthebehavior

in the short term while also teaching bigger, long-lasting life

lessonsandskillsthatbuildcharacterandpreparekidsformaking

gooddecisionsinthefuture.

Let’slookmorecloselyathowthesethreequestionsmighthelp

us respond to the four-year-old who slaps you while you’re

emailing.Whenyouhearthesmackandfeelthetiny,hand-shaped

imprintofpainonyourback,itmaytakeyouamomenttocalm

downandavoidsimplyreacting.It’snotalwayseasy,isit?Infact,
ourbrainsareprogrammedtointerpretphysicalpainasathreat,
whichactivatestheneuralcircuitrythatcanmakeusmorereactive
andputusina“ ght”mode.Soittakessomee ort,sometimes

intense e ort, to maintain control and practice No-Drama

Discipline.Wehavetooverrideourprimitivereactivebrainwhen

thishappens.Noteasy.(Bytheway,thisgetsmuchhardertodoif

we’re sleep deprived, hungry, overwhelmed, or not prioritizing self-care.)

This pause between reactive and responsive is the
beginningofchoice,intention,andskillfulnessasaparent.

So as quickly as possible, you want to try to pause and ask

yourselfthethreequestions.Thenyoucanseemuchmoreclearly

what’sgoingoninyourinteractionwithyourchild.Everysituation

isdi erentanddependsonmanydi erentfactors,buttheanswers

tothequestionsmightlooksomethinglikethis:

1. Why did my child act this way? He hit you because he wanted
yourattentionandwasn’tgettingit.Soundsprettytypicalfora four-year-old,
doesn’t it? Desirable? No. Developmentally

appropriate?Absolutely.It’shardforachildthisagetowait,and

big feelings surfaced, making it even harder. He’s not yet old enough to
consistently calm himself e ectively or quickly

enoughtopreventactingout.Youwishhe’djustsoothehimself

and with composure declare, “Mom, I’m feeling frustrated that you’re asking
me to keep waiting, and I’m having a strong,

aggressiveimpulsetohityourightnow—butIhavechosennot

to and am using my words instead.” But that’s not going to

happen. (It would be pretty funny if it did.) In that moment, hitting is your
son’s default strategy for expressing his big
feelingsoffrustrationandimpatience,andheneedssometime

andskill-buildingpracticetolearnhowtohandlebothdelaying

gratificationandappropriatelymanaginganger. That’s whyhehit you.

Thatfeelsmuchlesspersonal,doesn’tit? Ourkidsdon’tusual y
lashoutatusbecausethey’resimplyrude,orbecausewe’refailures as parents.
They usual y lash out because they don’t yet have the
capacitytoregulatetheiremotionalstatesandcontroltheirimpulses.

Andtheyfeelsafeenoughwithustoknowthattheywon’tlose

ourlove,evenwhenthey’reattheirworst.Infact,whenafour—

year-old doesn’t hit and acts “perfect” all the time, we have
concernsaboutthechild’sbondwithhisparent.Whenchildren

aresecurelyattachedtotheirparents,theyfeelsafeenoughto

testthatrelationship.Inotherwords,yourchild’smisbehavioris

oftenasignofhistrustandsafetywithyou.Manyparentsnotice

that their children “save it all up for them,” behaving much

betteratschoolorwithotheradultsthantheydoathome.This

iswhy.These are-upsareoftensignsofsafetyandtrust,rather

thanjustsomeformofrebellion.

2. WhatlessondoIwanttoteachinthismoment? The lesson is not

thatmisbehaviormeritsaconsequence,butthattherearebetter ways of getting
your attention and managing his anger than

resorting to violence. You want him to learn that hitting isn’t

OK,andthattherearelotsof appropriate waystoexpresshisbig feelings.
3. HowcanIbestteachthislesson? Whilegivinghimatime-outor
someotherunrelatedconsequencemightormightnotmakeyour

son think twice next time about hitting, there’s a better

alternative. What if you connected with him by pulling him to

youandlettinghimknowhehasyourfullattention?Thenyou

couldacknowledgehisfeelingsandmodelhowtocommunicate

thoseemotions:“It’shardtowait.Youreallywantmetoplay,

and you’re mad that I’m at the computer. Is that right?” Most
likelyyou’llreceiveanangry“Yes!”inresponse.That’snotabad
thing;he’llknowhehasyourattention.Andyou’llhavehis,too.

Youcannowtalkwithhimand,ashebecomescalmerandbetter

able to listen, get eye contact, explain that hitting is never all right, and talk
about some alternatives he could choose—like using his words to express his
frustration—the next time he

wantsyourattention.

Thisapproachworkswitholderkidsaswell.Let’slookatoneof

themostcommonissuesfacedbyparentseverywhere:homework

battles. Imagine that your nine-year-old is seriously struggling

whenit’stimetostudy,andyoutwoaregoingroundandroundon

aregularbasis.Atleastonceaweekshemeltsdown.Shegetsso

frustrated she ends up in tears, yelling at you and calling her

teachers“mean”forassigningsuchdi culthomeworkandherself

“stupid” for having trouble. After these proclamations she buries

herfaceinthecrookofherarmandcollapsesinapuddleoftears

onthetable.

For a parent, this situation can be every bit as maddening as

beingslappedonthebackbyafour-year-old.Anautopilotresponse

would be to give in to the frustration and, in the heat of anger, argue with
your daughter and lecture her, blaming her for managing her time poorly and
not listening well enough during
class.You’reprobablyfamiliarwiththe“Ifyouhadstartedearlier,

whenIaskedyouto,you’dbedonebynow”lecture.We’venever

heardofakidrespondingtothatlecturewith“You’reright,Dad.I

reallyshouldhavestartedwhenyouasked.I’lltakeresponsibility

for not beginning when I was supposed to, and I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll
just jump right on my homework earlier tomorrow.

Thanksforenlighteningmeonthis.”

Instead of the lecture, what if you asked the why-what-how

questions?

1. Whydidmychildactthisway? Again,disciplinaryapproachesare going to

change depending on who your child is and what her personality is like.
Maybe homework is a struggle for her and
shefeelsfrustrated,likeit’sabattleshecanneverwin.Maybe
there’ssomethingaboutitthatfeelstoohardoroverwhelming

and makes her feel bad about herself, or maybe she’s just

needingmorephysicalactivity.Themainfeelingsherecouldbe

frustrationandhelplessness.

Or maybe school isn’t usually that tough for her, but she

melteddownbecauseshe’stiredandfeelingoverwhelmedtoday.

Shegotupearly,wenttoschoolforsixhours,thenhadaGirl

Scoutsmeetingthatlastedrightuptodinnertime.Nowthatshe’s

eaten, she’s supposed to sit at the kitchen table and work on

fractionsforforty-veminutes?Nowondershe’sfreakingouta

bit. That’s a lot to ask of a nine-year-old (or even an adult!).

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still need to do her homework, but it can
change your perspective—and your response—when

yourealizewhereshe’scomingfrom.

2. WhatlessondoIwanttoteachinthismoment? Itmightbethat you want to teach

about e ective time management and responsibility. Or about making choices
regarding which activities to participate in. Or about how to handle
frustration moreadaptively.

3. HowcanIbestteachthislesson? Howeveryouanswerquestion2, a lecture

when she’s already upset de nitely isn’t the best

approach.Thisisn’tateachablemoment,becausetheemotional,

reactive parts of her brain are raging, overwhelming the more calm, rational,
thinking, and receptive parts of her brain. So
instead,youmightwanttohelpherwithherfractionsandjust
get throughthis particular crisis: “I know it’s a lot tonight and
you’retired.Youcandothis.I’llsitwithyouandwe’llknockit

out.” Then once she’s calmed down and you two are sharing a

bowl of ice cream—or maybe even the next day—you can

discusswhethershe’soverscheduled,orconsiderthatshe’sreally

strugglingtounderstandaconcept,orexplorethepossibilitythat

she’stalkingwithfriendsinclassandbringinghomeun nished

classwork,meaningsheendsupwithmorehomework.Askher

questions,andproblem-solvetogetherto gureoutwhat’sgoing

on.Askwhat’sgettinginthewayofcompletingherhomework,

whyshethinksit’snotworkingwell,andwhathersuggestions

would be. Look at the whole experience as an opportunity to

collaborate on improving the homework experience. She might

needsomehelpbuildingskillsforcomingupwithsolutions,but

involveherintheprocessasmuchaspossible.

Remember to pick a time when you’re both in a good,

receptive state of mind, then begin by saying something like,

“Thehomeworksituationisn’tworkingverywell,isit?Ibetwe

can ndabetterway.Whatdoyouthinkmightwork?”(Bythe

way,we’llgiveyoulotsofspeci c,practicalsuggestionstohelp

with this type of conversation inChapter 6, where we discuss No-

Dramaredirectionstrategies.)
Di erentkidswillrequiredi erentresponsestothewhy-what-how questions, so
we’re not saying that any of these speci c
answerswillnecessarilyapplytoyourchildrenatagiventime.The

pointistolookatdisciplineinanewway,torethinkit.Thenyou

can be guided by an overall philosophy when you interact with your kids,
rather than simply reacting with whatever pops out when your kids do
something you don’t like. Why-what-how

questionsgiveusanewwayofmovingfromreactiveparentingto

receptiveandintentionalWhole-Brainparentingstrategies.

Granted,youwon’talwayshavetimetothinkthroughthethree

questions. When good-natured wrestling in the living room turns

intoabloodycagematch,orwhenyouhaveyoungtwinswhoare

already late for ballet, it’s not that easy to go through a three-
questionprotocol.Wegetit.Itmaysoundcompletelyunrealistic
thatyou’dhavetimetobethismindfulintheheatofthemoment.
We’renotsayingyou’lldoitperfectlyeverytime,orthatyou’ll

immediately be able to think through your response when your kids get
upset. But the more you consider and practice this

approach,themorenaturalandautomaticitwillbecometoo era

quickassessmentandrespondwithanintentionalresponse.Itcan

even become your default, your go-to. With practice, these

questionscanhelpyouremainintentionalandreceptiveintheface
ofpreviouslyreaction-inducinginteractions.Askingwhy,what,and
howcanhelpcreateaninternalsenseofclarityeveninthefaceof

externalchaos.

Asaresult,you’llreceivethebonusofhavingtodisciplineless
andless,becausenotonlywillyoubeshapingyourchild’sbrainso
thathemakesbetterdecisionsandlearnstheconnectionbetween

hisfeelingsandhisbehavior,butyou’llbemoreattunedtowhat’s

happening with him—why he does what he does—meaning that

you’ll be better able to guide him before things escalate. Plus,

you’llbemoreabletoseethingsfromhisperspective,whichwill

letyourecognizewhenheneedsyourhelp,ratherthanyourwrath.

Can’tvs.Won’t:DisciplineIsn’tOne-Size-Fits-All

To put it simply, asking the why-what-how questions helps us remember

who our kids are and what they need. The questions

challengeustobeconsciousoftheageanduniqueneedsofeach

individual. After all, what works for one child may be the exact
oppositeofwhatherbrotherneeds.Andwhatworksforonechild

oneminutemightnotworkforthesamechildtenminuteslater.So

don’t think of discipline as a one-size- ts-all solution. Instead, remember how

important it is to discipline this one child in this one moment.

Too often, when we discipline on autopilot, we respond to a

situation much more from our general state of mind than from
whatourchildneedsatthatparticulartime.It’seasytoforgetthat our children are
just that—children—and to expect behavior
beyondtheirdevelopmentalcapacity.Forexample,wecan’texpect

a four-year-old to handle his emotions well when he’s angry that

hismomisstillonthecomputer,anymorethanwecanexpecta

nine-year-oldnottofreakoutabouthomeworkfromtimetotime.

Tinarecentlysawamotherandgrandmothershopping.Theyhad

buckled a little boy, who looked about fteen months old, into
theircart.Asthewomenbrowsed,lookingatpursesandshoes,the

boy cried and cried, clearly wanting to get out of the cart. He needed to
move and walk and explore. The caregivers

absentmindedly handed him items to distract him, which just

frustratedhimmore.Thislittleboycouldn’ttalk,buthismessage

wasclear:“You’reaskingwaytoomuchofme!Ineedyoutosee

whatIneed!”Hisbehaviorandemotionalwailswerecompletely

understandable.

In fact, we should assume that kids will sometimes experience and display
emotional reactivity, as well as “oppositional”

behavior.Developmentally,they’renotworkingfromfullyformed

brains yet (as we’ll explain inChapter 2), so they are literally
incapableofmeetingourexpectationsallofthetime.Thatmeans t h a t when we
discipline, we must always consider a child’s developmental capacity,
particular temperament, and emotional style, aswel asthesituationalcontext.

A valuable distinction is the idea of can’t vs. won’t. Parental

frustrationradicallyanddrasticallydecreaseswhenwedistinguish between a
can’t and a won’t. Sometimesweassumethatourkids won’t behave the way we
want them to, when in reality, they simply
can’t,atleastnotinthisparticularmoment.

Thetruthisthatahugepercentageofmisbehaviorismoreabout

can’t than won’t. The next time your child is having a hard time managing
herself, ask yourself, “Does the way she’s acting make sense, considering
her age and the circumstances?” Much more
oftenthannot,theanswerwillbeyes.Runerrandsforhourswith

athree-year-oldinthecar,andshe’sgoingtogetfussy.Aneleven—

year-oldwhostayedoutlatewatching reworksthepreviousnight

andthenhadtogetupearlyforastudentcouncilcarwashthenext

morning is likely to melt down sometime during the day. Not

becausehe won’t keepittogether,butbecausehe can’t.

We make this point to parents all the time. It was especially e

ectivewithonesinglefatherwhovisitedTinainhero ce.He

wasathiswits’endbecausehis ve-year-oldclearlydemonstrated

the ability to act appropriately and make good decisions. But at times, his
son would melt down over the smallest thing. Here’s
howTinaapproachedtheconversation.

Ibeganbytryingtoexplaintothisdadthatattimeshis

s o n couldn’t regulate himself, which meant that he

wasn’t choosing to be willful or de ant. The father’s

bodylanguageinresponsetomyexplanationwasclear.

He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

Althoughhedidn’tliterallyrollhiseyes,itwasclearhe
wasn’tabouttostartaTinaBrysonfanclub.SoIsaid,

“I’mgettingthesenseyoudon’tagreewithmehere.”

Heresponded,“Itjustdoesn’tmakesense.Sometimes

he’s great about handling even big disappointments.

Likelastweekwhenhedidn’tgettogotothehockey

game.Thenothertimeshe’llcompletelylosehismind

because he can’t have the blue cup because it’s in the

dishwasher! It’s not about what he can’t do. He’s just

spoiledandneedsstricterdiscipline.Heneedstolearn

how to obey. And he can! He’s already proven he can

totallychoosehowtohandlehimself.”

Idecidedtotakeatherapeuticrisk—doingsomething

outoftheordinarywithoutknowingquitehowitwould

go. I nodded, then asked, “I bet you’re a loving and

patientdadmostofthetime,right?”

He replied, “Yes, most of the time. Sometimes, of

course,I’mnot.”

I tried to communicate some humor and playfulness

inmytoneasIsaid,“Soyou can bepatientandloving,

butsometimesyou’rechoosingnottobe?”Fortunately,

he smiled, beginning to see where I was going. So I

pressedon.“Ifyoulovedyourson,wouldn’tyoumake

betterchoicesandbeagooddad al ofthetime?Why

areyouchoosingtobeimpatientorreactive?”Hebegan

to nod and broke out in an even bigger smile,

acknowledgingmyplayfulnessasthepointsankin.

I continued. “What is it that makes it hard to be

patient?”

Hesaid,“Well,itdependsonhowI’mfeeling,likeif

I’mtiredorI’vehadaroughdayatworkorsomething.”
I smiled and said, “You know where I’m going with

this,don’tyou?”

Of course he did. Tina went on to explain that a person’s

capacity to handle situations well and make good decisions can really
uctuateaccordingtothecircumstancesandthecontextofa

given situation. Simply because we’re human, our capacity to handle

ourselves well is not stable and constant. And that’s
certainlythecasewithafive-year-old.

The father clearly understood what Tina was saying: that it’s
misguidedtoassumethatjustbecausehissoncouldhandlehimself

wellinonemoment,he’dalwaysbeabletodoso.Andthatwhen

hissondidn’tmanagehisfeelingsandbehaviors,itwasn’tevidence

that he was spoiled and needed stricter discipline. Rather, he

neededunderstandingandhelp,andthroughemotionalconnection

and setting limits, the father could increase and expand his son’s capacity.
The truth is that for al of us, our capacity uctuates given
ourstateofmindandstateofbody,andthesestatesarein uencedby so many factors
—especial y in the case of a developing brain in a developingchild.

Tinaandthefathertalkedfurther,anditwasclearthathehad

fullyunderstoodTina’spoint.Hegotthedi erencebetweencan’t

and won’t, and he saw that he was imposing rigid and

developmentally inappropriate (one-size- ts-all) expectations on

hisyoungson,aswellasontheboy’ssister.Thisnewperspective

empowered him to switch o his parental autopilot and start

workingonmakingintentional,moment-by-momentdecisionswith

his children, both of whom had their own particular personality and needs at
di erent moments. The father realized that not only couldhestil setclear,
rmboundaries,buthecoulddosoevenmore e ectively and respectful y, because
he was taking into account each child’sindividualtemperamentand
uctuatingcapacity,alongwiththe contextofeachsituation.
Asaresult,he’dbeabletoachieveboth disciplinary goals: to see less overall
uncooperativeness from his
son,andtoteachhimimportantskillsandlifelessonsthatwould
helphimashegrewintoaman.

Thisfatherwaslearningtochallengecertainassumptionsinhis

ownthinking,suchasthatmisbehaviorisalwayswillfulopposition

insteadofamomentofdi cultywhiletryingtomanagefeelings

andbehaviors.FutureconversationswithTinaledhimtoquestion

notonlythisassumption,butalsohisemphasisonhavinghisson

anddaughterobeyhimunconditionallyandwithoutexception.Yes,

he reasonably and justi ably wanted his discipline to encourage cooperation

from his children. But complete and unquestioning obedience? Did he want
his kids to grow up blindly obeying

everyonetheirwholelives?Orwouldheratherhavethemdevelop

theirownindividualpersonalitiesandidentities,learningalongthe
waywhatitmeanstogetalongwithothers,observelimits,make

gooddecisions,beself-disciplined,andnavigatedi cultsituations
bythinkingforthemselves?Again,hegotthepoint,anditmadeall

thedifferenceforhischildren.

One other assumption this father began to challenge within

himselfwasthatthere’ssomesilverbulletormagicwandthatcan

beusedtoaddressanybehavioralissueorconcern.Wewishthere

weresuchacure-all,butthere’snot.It’stemptingtobuyintoone

disciplinepracticethatpromisestoworkallthetimeandinevery

situation or to radically change a kid in a few days. But the dynamics of

interacting with children are always much more

complexthanthat.Behavioralissuessimplycan’tberesolvedwith

aone-size- ts-allapproachthatweapplytoeverycircumstanceor

environmentorchild.

Let’stakeafewminutesnowanddiscussthetwomostcommon

one-size- ts-all disciplinary techniques that parents rely on:

spankingandtime-outs.

SpankingandtheBrain

One autopilot response that a number of parents resort to is

spanking.Weoftengetaskedwherewestandonthesubject.

Although we’re really big advocates for boundaries and limits, we are both
strongly against spanking. Physical punishment is a complex and highly
charged topic, and a full discussion of the
research,thevariouscontextsinwhichphysicalpunishmenttakes

place,andthenegativeimpactsofspankingisbeyondthescopeof

thisbook.Butbasedonourneuroscienti cperspectiveandreview

oftheresearchliterature,webelievethatspankingislikelytobe

counterproductive when it comes to building respectful

relationshipswithourchildren,teachingkidsthelessonswewant

them to learn, and encouraging optimal development. We also

believe that children should have the right to be free from any
formofviolence,especiallyatthehandsofthepeopletheytrust

mosttoprotectthem.

Weknowthereareallkindsofparents,allkindsofkids,andall

kindsofcontextsinwhichdisciplinetakesplace.Andwecertainly

understand that frustration, along with the desire to do the right thing for
their children, leads some parents to use spanking as a
disciplinestrategy.Buttheresearchconsistentlydemonstratesthat even when
parents are warm, loving, and nurturing, not only is spanking children less e
ective in changing behavior in the long run, it’s associated with negative
outcomes in many domains.

Granted, there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches

thatcanbejustasdamagingasspanking.Isolatingchildrenforlong

periods of time, humiliating them, terrifying them by screaming

threats,andusingotherformsofverbalorpsychologicalaggression

are all examples of disciplinary practices that wound children’s

mindsevenwhentheirparentsneverphysicallytouchthem.

Wethereforeencourageparentstoavoid any disciplineapproach that is

aggressive, in icts pain, or creates fear or terror. For one
thing,it’scounterproductive.Thechild’sattentionshiftsfromher
ownbehaviorandhowtomodifyit,tothecaregiver’sresponseto

thebehavior,meaningthatthechildnolongerconsidersherown

actionsatall.Instead,shethinksonlyabouthowunfairandmean

herparentwastohurther—orevenhowscaryherparentwasin
that moment. The parental response, then, undermines both of the
primarygoalsofdiscipline—changingbehaviorandbuildingthebrain—
becauseitsidestepsanopportunityforthechildtothinkaboutherown
behaviorandevenfeelsomehealthyguiltorremorse.

Anotherimportantproblemwithspankingiswhathappenstothe

childphysiologicallyandneurologically.Thebraininterpretspain
asathreat.Sowhenaparentin ictsphysicalpainonachild,that

child faces an unsolvable biological paradox. On one hand, we’re

allbornwithaninstincttogotowardourcaregiversforprotection

when we’re hurt or afraid. But when our caregivers are also the source
ofthepainandfear,whentheparenthascausedthestateof
terrorinsidethechildbywhatheorshehasdone,itcanbevery

confusingforthechild’sbrain.Onecircuitdrivesthechildtotryto

escapetheparentwhoisin ictingpain;anothercircuitdrivesthe

child toward theattachment gureforsafety.Sowhentheparentis

thesourceoffearorpain,thebraincanbecomedisorganizedinits

functioning,asthereisnosolution.Wecallthisattheextremea

form of disorganized attachment. The stress hormone cortisol, released with

such a disorganized internal state and repeated interpersonal experiences of
rage and terror, can lead to long-
lastingnegativeimpactsonthebrain’sdevelopment,ascortisolis toxic to the
brain and inhibits healthy growth. Harsh and severe punishment can actually
lead to signi cant changes in the brain,
suchasthedeathofbrainconnectionsandevenbraincells.

Anotherproblemwithspankingisthatitteachesthechildthat

theparenthasnoe ectivestrategyshortofin ictingbodilypain.

That’sadirectlessoneveryparentshouldconsiderquitedeeply:do
wewanttoteachourkidsthatthewaytoresolveacon ictisto in ict physical pain,
particularly on someone who is defenseless andcannotfightback?

Lookingthroughthelensofthebrainandbody,weknowthat

humans are instinctually wired to avoid pain. And it is also the

samepartofthebrainthatmediatesphysicalpainthatprocesses

social rejection. In icting physical pain is also creating social

rejectioninthechild’sbrain.Sincechildrencan’tbeperfect,wesee
theimportanceofthe ndingsindicatingthatwhilespankingoften

stops a behavior in a particular moment, it’s not as e ective at

changingbehaviorinthelongrun.Instead,childrenwilloftenjust

get better at concealing what they’ve done. In other words, the

dangeristhatkidswilldowhateverittakestoavoidthepainof

physicalpunishment(andsocialrejection),whichwilloftenmean

more lying and hiding—not collaboratively communicating and

beingopentolearning.

One nalpointaboutspankinghastodowithwhichpartofthe

brain we want to appeal to and develop with our discipline. As we’ll explain
in the next chapter, parents have the option of
engagingthehigher,thinkingpartofthechild’swisebrain,orthe

lower,morereactive,reptilianpart.Ifyouthreatenorphysically

attackareptile,whatkindofaresponsedoyouthinkyou’llget?

Imagineacorneredcobra,spittingatyou.Thereisnothingwiseor

connectingaboutbeingreactive.
Whenwearethreatenedorphysicallyattacked,ourreptilianor

primitive brain takes over. We move into an adaptive survival mode, often
called “ ght, ight, or freeze.” We can also faint, a response that occurs in
some when they feel totally helpless.

Likewise, when we cause our kids to experience fear, pain, and anger, we
activate an increase in the ow of energy and

information to the primitive, reactive brain, instead of directing the ow to the

receptive, thinking, more sophisticated and potentially wise regions of the
brain that allow kids to make
healthyandflexiblechoicesandhandletheiremotionswell.

Doyouwanttotriggerreactivityinyourchild’sprimitivebrain,

orengageherthinking,rationalbraininbeingreceptiveandopenly

engagedwiththeworld?Whenweactivatethereactivestatesof

thebrain,wemissthechancetodevelopthethinkingpartofthe

brain.It’salostopportunity.What’smore,wehave somany other, more e ective

options for disciplining our kids—strategies that give children practice using
their “upstairs brain” so that it’s
strongerandfurtherdeveloped,meaningthatthey’remuchbetter

able to be responsible people who do the right thing more often thannot.
(MuchmoreaboutthatinChapters3–6.) WhatAboutTime-outs?
Aren’tTheyanEffectiveDisciplineTool?

These days, most parents who have decided they don’t want to spank their
kids assume that time-outs are the best available option.Butarethey?
Dotheyhelpusachieveourdisciplinegoals?

Ingeneralterms,wedon’tthinkso.

We know lots of loving parents who use time-outs as their

primary discipline technique. But after exploring the research, talking to
thousands of parents, and raising our own kids, we’ve
comeupwithseveralmainreasonswedonotthinkthattime-outs

are the best discipline strategy. For one thing, when parents use time-
outs,theyoftenusethemalot,andoutofanger.Butparents

can give children more positive and meaningful experiences that better
achieve our dual goals of encouraging cooperation and building the brain. As
we’ll explain in more detail in the next
chapter,brainconnectionsareformedfromrepeatedexperiences.

Andwhatexperiencedoesatime-outgiveachild?Isolation.Even

ifyoucano eratime-outinalovingmanner,doyouwantyour
child’srepeatedexperienceswhenshemakesamistaketobetime

by herself, which is often experienced, particularly by young

children,asrejection?

Wouldn’titbebettertohaveherexperiencewhatitmeanstodo

thingsthe rightway?Soinsteadofatime-out,youmightaskherto
practicehandlingasituationdi erently.Ifshe’sbeingdisrespectful in her tone or
words, you can have her try it again and

communicatewhatshe’ssayingrespectfully.Ifshe’sbeenmeanto

herbrother,youmightaskherto ndthreekindthingstodofor

himbeforebedtime.Thatway,therepeatedexperienceofpositive

behaviorbeginstogetwiredintoherbrain.(Again,we’llcoverthis

inmoredepthinthefollowingchapters.)

Inshort,time-outsoftenfailtoaccomplishtheirobjective,which
i s supposed to be for children to calm down and re ect on their behavior. In
our experience, time-outs frequently just make children angrier and more
dysregulated, leaving them even less
abletocontrolthemselvesorthinkaboutwhatthey’vedone.Plus,

howoftendoyouthinkkidsusetheirtime-outtore ectontheir

behavior?We’vegotnewsforyou:themainthingkidsre ecton

whileintime-outishowmeantheirparentsaretohaveputthem

there.

Whenchildrenarereflectingontheirhorriblelucktohavesucha

mean,unfairmomordad,they’remissingoutonanopportunityto

buildinsight,empathy,andproblem-solvingskills.Puttingthemin

time-out deprives them of a chance to practice being active,

empathicdecisionmakerswhoareempoweredto gurethingsout.

We want to give them opportunities to be problem solvers, to make good

choices, and to be comforted when they are falling
apart.Youcandoyourkidsalotofgoodsimplybyasking,“What

aresomeideasyouhavetomakeitbetterandsolvethisproblem?”

Giventhechanceoncethey’recalm,kidswillusuallydotheright
thing,andlearnintheprocess.
In addition, too often time-outs aren’t directly and logically
linkedtoaparticularbehavior,whichisakeytoe ectivelearning.

Makingatoilet-papermountainmeanshelpingcleanup.Ridinga

bikewithoutahelmetmeansthatratherthansimplyjumpingon

thebikeandriding,fortwoweekstherewillbearequiredsafety

checkanytimethebicyclecomesoutofthegarage.Leavingabatat

baseball practice means having to borrow a teammate’s bat until

theotheroneturnsup.Thoseareconnectedparentalresponsesthat
are clearly linked to the behavior. They aren’t punitive or

retaliatoryinanyway.Theyarefocusedonteachingkidslessons
andhelpingthemunderstandaboutmakingthingsright.Time-outs, though, often
don’t relate in any clear way to a child’s poor decisionorout-of-
controlreaction.Asaresult,they’reoftennotas
effectiveintermsofchangingbehavior.

Even when parents have good intentions, time-outs are often

used inappropriately. We might want time-outs to give kids a chance to calm

down and pull themselves together so they can move out of their internal
chaos into calm and cooperation. But muchofthetime,parentsusetime-
outspunitively,wherethegoal

isn’t to help the child return to his calm baseline or to learn an important
lesson, but to punish him for some misbehavior. The
calming,teachingaspectofthetime-outgetstotallylost.

Butthebiggestreasonwequestionthevalueoftime-outshasto

dowithachild’sprofoundneedforconnection.Often,misbehavior

is a result of a child getting overtaxed emotionally, so the expression of a

need or a big feeling comes out in ways that are
aggressive,disrespectful,oruncooperative.Shemaybehungryor

tired, or maybe there’s some other reason she’s incapable in that moment of
selfcontrol and making a good decision. Maybe the explanation is simply
that she’s three, and her brain isn’t

sophisticatedenoughtounderstandandcalmlyexpressherfeelings.

Soinsteadofdoingherbesttoconveyhercrushingdisappointment

andangerthatthere’snograpejuiceleft,shebeginsthrowingtoys

atyou.
It’sduringthesetimesthatachildmostneedsourcomfortand

calmpresence.Forcinghertogoo andsitbyherselfcanfeellike

abandonment to a child, especially if she’s feeling out of control

already.Itmayevensendthesubtlemessagethatwhensheisn’t

“doing the right thing” you don’t want to be near her. You don’t
wanttosendthemessagethatyou’l beinrelationshipwithherwhen
she’s“good”orhappy,butyou’l withholdyourloveanda ectionwhen she’s not.
Would you want to stay in that kind of a relationship?

Wouldn’twesuggesttoourteenagersthattheymightthinkabout
avoidingfriendsorpartnerswhotreatthemlikethatwhenthey’ve

madeamistake?

We’re not saying that short time-outs are the worst possible
disciplinetechnique,thattheycausetrauma,orthatthere’snever

an instance to use them. If done appropriately with loving

connection,suchassitting with thechildandtalkingorcomforting —

whatcanbecalleda“time-in”—sometimetocalmdowncanbe

helpfulforchildren.Infact,teachingkidshowtopauseandtake
someinnerre ectiontime,sometime-in,isessentialforbuilding

executivefunctionsthatreduceimpulsivityandharnessthepower

offocusedattention.Butsuchre ectioniscreatedinrelationship, not in complete

isolation, especially for younger children. As children get older, they can
bene t from inner re ection, from time-
in,tofocustheirattentionontheirinnerworld.Thisishow

theylearnto“seetheseainside”anddeveloptheskilltocalmthe

stormsinside.Suchtime-inisthebasisofmindsight,ofseeingone’s

ownmindandthemindofotherswithinsightandempathy.And

mindsight includes the process of integration that enables inner states to be

changed, to move from chaos or rigidity to an inner stateofharmonyand
exibility.Mindsight—insight,empathy,and

integration—is the basis of social and emotional intelligence, so using time-

in to develop inner re ective skills is how we help children and adolescents
build the circuitry of such important abilities.No-
DramaDisciplinewoulduseatime-intostopbehavior

(the rstgoal)andtoinviteinnerre ectionthatbuildsexecutive

skills(oursecondgoal).

Oneproactivestrategythatcanbee ectiveistohelpthechild

createa“calmzone”withtoys,books,orafavoritestu edanimal,

whichshevisitswhensheneedsthetimeandplacetocalmdown.

That’s internal self-regulation, a fundamental skill of executive function.

(This is a good idea for parents, too! Maybe some

chocolate, magazines, music, red wine …) It’s not about

punishment or making a child pay for her mistake. It’s about o
eringachoiceandaplacethathelpsthechildself-regulateand

down-regulate, which involves downshifting out of her emotional overload.

As you’ll see in the coming pages, there are dozens of other,

morenurturing,relationship-building,and effective waystorespond to kids than
to automatically give them a time-out as a one-sizets-
alldefaultconsequenceforanymisbehavior.Thesamegoesfor
spanking,andevenforgivingconsequencesingeneral.Fortunately,

aswe’llsoonexplain,therearebetteralternativesthantospank,

give atime-out, or automatically take away a toy or a privilege.

Alternatives that are logically and naturally linked to the child’s behavior,
that build the brain, and that maintain a strong
connectionbetweenparentandchild.

WhatIsYourDisciplinePhilosophy?

Themainpointwe’vecommunicatedinthischapteristhatparents

need to be intentional about how they respond when their kids misbehave.
Rather than dramatically or emotionally reacting, or
respondingtoeveryinfractionwithaone-size- ts-allstrategythat ignores the
context of the situation or a child’s developmental stage, parents can work
from principles and strategies that both match their belief system and respect
their children as the

individuals they are. No-Drama Discipline focuses not only on addressing

immediate circumstances and shortterm behavior, but
alsoonbuildingskillsandcreatingconnectionsinthebrainthat,in

thelongrun,willhelpchildrenmakethoughtfulchoicesandhandle

theiremotionswellautomatically,meaningthatdisciplinewillbe

neededlessandless.
Howareyoudoingonthis?Howintentionalareyouwhenyou

disciplineyourchildren?

Takeamomentrightnowandthinkaboutyournormalresponse

to your kids’ behavior. Do you automatically spank, give a time-out,oryell?

Doyouhavesomeotherimmediatego-toforwhen yourkidsactout?
Maybeyousimplydowhatyourparentsdid—or

just the opposite. The real question is, how much of your

disciplinary strategy comes from an intentional and consistent approach, as

opposed to simply reacting or relying on old habits anddefaultmechanisms?

Herearesomequestionstoaskyourselfasyouthinkaboutyour

overalldisciplinephilosophy:

1. DoIhaveadisciplinephilosophy? Howpurposefulandconsistent
amIwhenIdon’tlikehowmykidsarebehaving?

2. IswhatI’mdoingworking? Doesmyapproachallowmetoteach
mykidsthelessonsIwanttoteach,intermsofbothimmediate

behaviorandhowtheygrowanddevelopashumanbeings?And

amI ndingthatIneedtoaddressbehaviorslessandless,oram

Ihavingtodisciplineaboutthesamebehaviorsoverandover?

3. DoIfeelgoodaboutwhatI’mdoing? Doesmydisciplineapproach help me

enjoy my relationship with my children more? Do I

usuallyre ectondisciplinemomentsandfeelpleasedwithhow

I handled myself? Do I frequently wonder if there’s a better way?

4. Do my kids feel good about it? Discipline is rarely going to be popular,

but do my children understand my approach and feel my love? Am I
communicating and modeling respect in a way

thatallowsthemtostillfeelgoodaboutthemselves?

5 . Do I feel good about the messages I’m communicating to my children?

Are there times I teach lessons I don’t want them to internalize—for
example, that obeying what I say is more
importantthanlearningtomakegooddecisionsaboutdoingthe

rightthing?Orthatpowerandcontrolarethebestwaystoget

peopletodowhatwewant?OrthatIonlywanttobearound

themifthey’repleasant?

6 . How much does my approach resemble that of my own parents?

How did my parents discipline me? Can I remember a speci c

experience of discipline and how it made me feel? Am I just

repeatingoldpatterns?Rebellingagainstthem?

7 . Does my approach ever lead to my kids apologizing in a sincere manner?

Eventhoughthismightnothappenonaregularbasis,
doesmyapproachatleastleavethedooropenforit?

8. Doesital owformetotakeresponsibilityandapologizeformyown actions?

HowopenamIwithmykidsaboutthefactthatImake

mistakes?AmIwillingtomodelforthemwhatitmeanstoown

uptoone’serrors?

How do you feel right now, having asked yourself these

questions? Many parents experience regret, guilt, shame, or even

hopelessness when they acknowledge what has not been working
andworrythattheymaynothavebeendoingthebesttheycan.
But the truth is, you have done the best you can. If you could have done
better, you wouldhave. As you learn new principles and strategies, the goal is
not to berate yourself for missed opportunities, but to try to create new
opportunities. When we
knowbetter,wedobetter.Therearethingswe,asexperts,have

learnedovertheyearsthatwewishwe’dknownorthoughtabout

whenourchildrenwerebabies.Ourchildren’sbrainsareextremely

plastic—theychangetheirstructureinresponsetoexperience—and

our children can respond very quickly and very productively to

newexperiences.Themorecompassionyoucanhaveforyourself,

the more compassion you can have for your child. Even the best parents
realize that there will always be times they can be more intentional,e
ective,andrespectfulregardinghowtheydiscipline theirchildren.

In the remaining chapters, our goal is to help you think about

whatyouwantforyourkidswhenitcomestoguidingandteaching

them. None of us will ever be perfect. But we can take steps

towardmodelingcalmandself-controlwhenourkidsmessup.We

can ask the why-what-how questions. We can steer clear of one-size- ts-all
disciplinary techniques. We can o er the two goals of shaping external
behaviors and learning internal skil s. And we can work on reducing the
number of times we simply react (or
overreact)toasituation,andincreasingthetimeswe respond out
ofaclearandreceptivesenseofwhatwebelieveourkidsneed—in

each particular moment, and as they move through childhood

towardadolescenceandadulthood.

CHAPTER2
YourBrainonDiscipline
Liz’smorningwasgoingalong ne.Bothofherkidshadeaten

breakfast,everyonewasdressed,andsheandherhusband,Tim,

were heading out the door to take their daughters to their

respectiveschools.Thenallofasudden,whenLizutteredthemost

seeminglytrivialstatementassheclosedthefrontdoorbehindher

—“Nina,yougetinDaddy’scar,andVera,yougetinthevan”—

everythingfellapart.

Timandtheirseven-year-old,Vera,hadalreadystartedtoward

the driveway, and Liz was locking the front door when a feral scream from
just behind her made her heart stop. She quickly turned around to see Nina,
her four-year-old, standing on the bottom step of the porch, screaming “No!”
in an astonishingly earsplittingregister.

Liz looked at Tim, then at Vera, both of whom shrugged, eyes wide with
confusion. Nina’s long, sustained “No!” had been

replaced by a staccato “No! No! No!” repeated, again, at full volume. Liz
quickly knelt and pulled Nina to her, her daughter’s
shrieksmercifullypeteringoutandturningintosobs.

“Honey, what is it?” Liz asked. She was dumbfounded at this

outburst.“Whatisit?”

Nina continued to cry but was able to utter, “You took Vera

yesterday!”
Liz again looked at Tim, who had walked toward them and

o eredapuzzled“Ihavenoidea”shrug.Liz,herearsstillringing,

triedtoexplain:“Iknow,sweetheart.That’sbecauseVera’sschool

isrightbymywork.”

Nina pulled back from her mother and screamed, “But it’s my turn!”

Now that she knew her daughter wasn’t in danger, Liz took a

deepbreathandbrie ywonderedwhatdecibellevelahigh-pitched

screamwouldhavetoreachtoactuallybreakglass.

Vera, typically unsympathetic when it came to her sister’s

distress,impatientlyannounced,“Mom,I’mgonnabelate.”

Before we describe how Liz handled this classic parenting

situation,weneedtointroduceafewsimplefactsaboutthehuman

brain and the way it can impact our disciplinary decisions when our kids
misbehave or, as in this case, just lose control of themselves. Let’s begin
with three foundational discoveries about the brain—we’ll call them the
three “Brain C’s”—that can be

immensely bene cial when it comes to helping you discipline

e ectively and with less drama, all while teaching your children
importantlessonsaboutself-controlandrelationships.

“BrainC”#1:TheBrainIs Changing

The rst Brain C—that the brain is changing—sounds simple, but its
implications are enormous and should inform just about

everythingwedowithourkids,includingdiscipline.
A child’s brain is like a house that’s under construction. The downstairs
brain is made up of the brainstem and the limbic

region,whichtogetherformthelowersectionsofthebrain,often

calledthe“reptilianbrain”andthe“oldmammalianbrain.”These

lower regions exist inside your skull from about the level of the
bridgeofyournosedowntothetopofyourneck,andsomeofit,

the brainstem, is well-developedat birth. We consider this

downstairs brain to be much more primitive, because it’s

responsible for our most fundamental neural and mental operations: strong
emotions; instincts like protecting our young; and basic functions like
breathing, regulating sleep and wake
cycles,anddigestion.Thedownstairsbrainiswhatcausesatoddler

tothrowatoyorbitesomeonewhenhedoesn’tgethisway.Itcan

be the source of our reactivity, and its motto is a rushed “Fire!

Ready! Aim!”—and often it skips the “ready” and “aim” parts

altogether.ItwasNina’sdownstairsbrainthattookoverwhenshe

wastoldhermomwouldn’tbedrivinghertoschool.

Asyouwellknowifyou’reaparent,thedownstairsbrain,with

allofitsprimitivefunctions,isaliveandwellineventheyoungest

children.Theupstairsbrain,though,whichisresponsibleformore

sophisticated and complex thinking, is undeveloped at birth and

beginstogrowduringinfancyandchildhood.Theupstairsbrainis

madeupofthecerebralcortex,whichistheoutermostlayerofthe
brain,anditresidesdirectlybehindyourforeheadandcontinuesto

the back of your head like a half dome covering the downstairs
brainbelowit.Sometimespeoplerefertothecortexasthe“outer

barkofthebrain.”Unliketheprimitivedownstairsbrain,withall

ofitsrudimentaryfunctions,theupstairsbrainisresponsiblefora

laundrylistofthinking,emotional,andrelationalskillsthatallow us to live
balanced, meaningful lives and enjoy healthy

relationships:

•Sounddecisionmakingandplanning
•Regulationofemotionsandbody

•Personalinsight

•Flexibilityandadaptability

•Empathy

•Morality

Thesearetheveryqualitieswewanttohelpinstillinourchildren,

andtheyallrequireawell-developedupstairsbrain.

Theproblemisthattheupstairsbraintakestimetodevelop.A

longtime.We’resorrytoreport—especiallyiftodayhappenstobe

the third time this week that your twelve-year-old left his

homework binder in his locker—that the upstairs brain actually

won’tbefullyformeduntilapersonreacheshismid-twenties.That
doesn’tmeanthere’snothingforittodoalongtheway—itsimply means that while
the child’s brain is being constructed, the adolescent brain is in a period of
remodeling itself and will be
changingthebasicupstairsbrainstructuresthatwerecreatedinthe

rstdozenyearsoflife.Danexploresallofthisinhisbookforand

aboutadolescentscalled Brainstorm. Thegreatnewsisthatknowing

aboutthebrain—foryouandyourchildoradolescent—canchange
thewayeachofyouapproacheslearningandbehaving.Whenwe

know about the brain, we can guide our minds—how we pay

attention,howwethink,howwefeel,howweinteractwithothers

—inwaysthatsupportsolid,healthybraindevelopmentacrossthe

lifespan.
Still,whatthisallmeansisthatasmuchaswe’dlikeforourkids

to consistently behave as if they were fully developed,

conscientious adults, with reliably functioning logic, emotional

balance,andmorality,theyjustcan’tyetwhentheyareyoung.At

leastnotallthetime.Asaresult,wehavetoproceedaccordingly

andadjustourexpectations.Wewanttoturntoournine-year-old

andask,aswecomfortourfive-year-oldwhoseeyehasbeenstruck

byaNerfbullet redatinfuriatinglycloserange,“Whatwereyou

thinking?”

His answer, of course, will be “I don’t know” or “I wasn’t

thinking.”Andmostlikelyhe’llberight.Hisupstairsbrainwasn’t

engaged when he aimed at his sister’s pupil, just as her upstairs brain wasn’t
engaged yesterday when she demanded that her

cousin’sbeachpartybemovedinsidebecauseshegotacutonher

heelanddidn’twanttogetsandinit.Thebottomlineisthatno

matterhowsmart,responsible,orconscientiousyourchildis,it’s

unfair to expect her to always handle herself well, or to always distinguish

between a good choice and a bad one. That’s even
impossibleforadultstodoallthetime.
Agoodexampleofthisgradualdevelopmentcanbefoundina

particular area of the upstairs brain called the right temporal

parietaljunction(TPJ).

TherightTPJplaysaspecialrolewhenitcomestohelpingus

understandwhat’sgoingoninthemindofanother.Whenweview

a situation or a problem as someone else would, the right TPJ

becomesactiveandworkswithareasintheprefrontalcortex,just

behind the forehead, essentially to allow us to empathize with another. These

and other areas are part of what is called a

“mentalizingcircuit”becausetheyareinvolvedinmindsight—that

is,seeingthemindofothers,andevenofourselves!Wecanbuild
mindsight in our children as we guide them toward insight,

empathy, and moral thinking. Empathy, of course, a ects our

moral and relational lives in signi cant and foundational ways.

We’re willing to cut someone some slackifshemeantwellwhen

she messed up. We’re willing to give someone the bene t of the
doubtifwetrusthismotives.

Achild,though,whoisstilldevelopingandwhoseupstairsbrain

—which includes his right TPJ and prefrontal regions—is still under
construction, will often be unable to consider motives and
intentionwhenhelooksatasituationorproblem.Ethicaldecisions
willbemuchmoreblackandwhite,andconcernsaboutissueslike
justiceandfairnesswillbemuchmoreclear-cut.Nina,forexample,

had no interest in discussing contextual information about how

closehersister’sschoolwastohermom’sjob.Thatlogical,factual

bitofdatawasirrelevanttoher.Shecaredonlythathersisterhad

riddenwithhermotheryesterday,andfairnesswoulddictatethat

Ninashouldgettoridewithhertoday.SoforLiztounderstandher

daughter’s point of view, she needed to realize that Nina was

viewingeventsthroughthelensofherstill-growingupstairsbrain,

which wasn’t always able to consider situational and contextual information.

As we’ll explain in subsequent chapters, when we use our own

mindsightcircuitstosensethemindbehindourchildren’sbehavior,

wemodelforthemhowtosensethemindwithinthemselvesand

others.Mindsightisateachableskillattheheartofbeingempathic
andinsightful,moralandcompassionate.Mindsightisthebasisof

social and emotional intelligence, and we can model this for our children as
we help guide the development of their changing

brains.

The point is that when we parent, and especially when we

discipline, we need to work hard to understand our children’s points of view,

their developmental stage, and what they are
ultimatelycapableof.Thisishowweuseourownmindsightskills

to see the mind behind our children’s behavior. We don’t simply

reacttotheirexternalactions,wetuneintothemindbehindthe

behavior. We also must remember that what they’re capable of

isn’talwaysthesame;theircapacitychangeswhentheyarefeeling

tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Comprehending this particular

BrainC,thatthebrainischangingandstilldeveloping,canmove

us to a place where we can listen to our kids with more

understandingandcompassion,andmorefullyunderstandwhyitis

thatthey’reupsetandhavingahardtimemanagingthemselves.It
issimplyunfairtoassumethatourchildrenaremakingdecisions using fully
formed, perfectly functioning brains and can view the worldaswedo.

Thinkaboutthelistoffunctionstheupstairsbrainisresponsible

for.Isthatarealisticdescriptionofanychild’scharacter? Ofcourse we’d love to

see our kids demonstrate these qualities each and
everymomentoftheirlives.Whowouldn’twantachildwhoplans

aheadandconsistentlymakesgooddecisions,controlshisemotions

andbody,displays exibilityandempathyandself-understanding,
andactsoutofawell-developedsenseofmorality?Butit’sjustnot

goingtohappen.Atleastnotallthetime.Dependingonthechild

andtheage,maybenotevenfrequently.

Soisthisanexcuseforbadbehavior?Doweneedtosimplyturn

a blind eye when our kids misbehave? Certainly not. In fact, a child’s
developing brain is simply another reason we need to set clear boundaries
and help her understand what’s acceptable. The fact that she doesn’t have a
consistently working upstairs brain, whichprovides internal
constraintsthatgovernherbehavior,means thatsheneedstobeprovidedwith
external constraints.Andguess where those external constraints need to come
from: her parents and other caregivers, and the guidelines and expectations
they communicate to her. Weneedtohelpdevelopourchildren’supstairs brain—
alongwithal oftheskil sitmakespossible—andwhiledoingso, we may need to
act as an external upstairs brain along the way,
workingwiththemandhelpingthemmakedecisionsthey’renotquite
capableyetofmakingforthemselves.

We’ll soon go into this idea in much greater depth, and o er practical
suggestions for making it happen. For now, though, just keep this initial
Brain C in mind: a child’s brain is changing and
developing,soweneedtotemperourexpectationsandunderstand

that emotional and behavioral challenges are simply par for the course. Of
course we should still teach and expect respectful behavior. But in doing so,
we need to always keep in mind the changing, developingbrain. Once we
understand and accept this
fundamentalreality,we’llbemuchmorecapableofrespondingina

waythathonorsthechildandtherelationship,whilestillattending

toanybehaviorsweneedtoaddress.

“BrainC”#2:TheBrainIs Changeable

The second Brain C is immensely exciting and o ers hope to

parents everywhere: the brain is not only changing—it develops over time—
but changeable—it can be molded intentionally by

experience. If you read much about the brain these days, you’ll
likelycomeacrosstheconceptof“neuroplasticity,”whichrefersto

the way the brain physically changes based on experiences we

undergo.Asscientistsputit,thebrainisplastic,ormoldable.Yes,

theactualphysicalarchitectureofthebrainchangesbasedonwhat

happenstous.

You may have heard about scienti c studies that demonstrate

evidenceofneuroplasticity.In TheWhole-BrainChild,wetalkabout
researchshowingenlargedauditorycentersinthebrainsofanimals
whodependontheirhearingforhunting,andstudiesshowingthat

forviolinists,theregionsofthecortexthatrepresentthelefthand

—which ngers the instrument’s strings at amazing speeds—are

largerthannormal.

Otherrecentstudiesdemonstratethatchildrenwhoaretaughtto

read music and play the keyboard undergo signi cant changes in
theirbrainandhaveanadvancedcapacityforwhat’scalled“spatial

sensorimotormapping.”Inotherwords,whenkidslearneventhe

fundamentals of playing piano, their brains develop di erently from the

brains of kids who don’t, so they can more fully

understandtheirownbodiesinrelationshiptotheobjectsaround them. We’ve

seen similar results in studies on people who meditate. Mindfulness
exercises produce literal changes in the brain’s connections, signi cantly a
ecting how well a person
interactswithotherpeopleandadaptstodifficultsituations.

Obviously, this isn’t to say that all children should take piano lessons, or that
everyone should meditate (although we wouldn’t discourage either
activity!). The point is that the experience of taking the lessons, like the
experience of participating in

mindfulness practices (or playing the violin or even practicing karate),

fundamentally and physical y changes the plastic brain—
especiallywhileit’sdevelopinginchildhoodandadolescence,but

eventhroughoutourlives.Totakeamoreextremeexample,early

childhoodabusecanleavepeoplevulnerabletomentalillnesslater

in life. Recent studies have used functional magnetic resonance imaging

(fMRI), or brain scans, to discover speci c changes in certain areas of what’s
called the hippocampus in the brains of
youngadultswhohaveexperiencedabuse.Theyexperiencehigher

rates of depression, addiction, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Their brains have fundamentally changed in response to
thetraumatheyfacedaschildren.
Neuroplasticity has enormous rami cations for what we do as

parents. If repeated experiences actual y change the physical architecture of

the brain, then it becomes paramount that we be
intentionalabouttheexperienceswegiveourchildren. Thinkaboutthe
waysyouinteractwithyourkids.Howdoyoucommunicatewith them? How do
you help them re ect on their actions and
behavior? What do you teach them about relationships—about

respect,trust,ande ort?Whatopportunitiesdoyouexposethem

to? What important people do you introduce into their lives?

Everythingtheysee,hear,feel,touch,orevensmellimpactstheir

brainandthusin uencesthewaytheyviewandinteractwiththeir

world—including their family, neighbors, strangers, friends,

classmates,andeventhemselves.

Allofthistakesplaceatthecellularlevel,inourneuronsandin

the connections among our brain cells called synapses. One way
neuroscientists have expressed the idea is that “neurons that re
togetherwiretogether.”
Thisphrase,knownas“Hebb’saxiom,”namedaftertheCanadian

neuropsychologist Donald Hebb, essentially explains that when neurons re

simultaneously in response to an experience, those
neuronsbecomeconnectedtoeachother,forminganetwork.And

when an experience is repeated over and over, it deepens and strengthens the
connections among those neurons. So when they
firetogether,theywiretogether.

ThefamousphysiologistIvanPavlovwascomingtotermswith
thisideawhenhefoundthathisdogswouldsalivatenotonlywhen actual food
appeared before them, but also when he rang the

dinner bell for them to come eat. The dogs’ “salivation neurons”

became wired, or functionally linked, to their “dinner-bell

neurons.”Amorerecentexamplefromtheanimalworldappears

every time the San Francisco Giants play a night game at AT&T

Park.Neartheendofeachgameswarmsofseagullsappear,ready

forafeastofleft-behindhotdogs,peanuts,andCrackerJackonce

the bayside stadium empties. Biologists are stumped as to how,

exactly,thebirdstimetheirarrivalfortheninthinning.Isitthe

increasednoiseofthecrowd?Thelureofthestadiumlights?The

organplaying“TakeMeOuttotheBallGame”duringtheseventh—

inningstretch?Onethingseemsclear,though:thebirdshavebeen

conditioned, or primed, to expect food once the game ends.

Neuronshavefiredtogetherandsubsequentlybeenwiredtogether.

Hebb’saxiomiswhatcausesatoddlertoraisehishandsandsay
“Hold you?” when he wants to be picked up. He hardly

understandsthemeaningoftheexactwords,andobviouslyhasn’t

quite guredouthispronouns.Butheknowsthatwhenhe’sbeen

asked, “Do you want me to hold you?” he’s been picked up. So
whenhewantstobeheld,heasks,“Holdyou?”Firingandwiring.

Having neurons wire together can be a good thing. A positive

experiencewithamathteachercanleadtoneuralconnectionsthat

linkmathwithpleasure,accomplishment,andfeelinggoodabout

yourself as a student. But the opposite is equally true. Negative

experienceswithaharshinstructororatimedtestandtheanxiety

thataccompaniesitcanformconnectionsinthebrainthatcreatea

seriousobstacletotheenjoymentnotonlyofmathandnumbers,

butexamsandevenschoolingeneral.
Thepointissimplebutcrucialtounderstand:experiencesleadto

changesinthearchitectureofthebrain.Practically,then,wewant

to keep neuroplasticity in mind when we make decisions about

howweinteractwithkidsandhowtheyspendtheirtime.Wewant

to consider what neural connections are being formed and how

theywillplayoutinthefuture.

For example, what movies do you want your kids to see, and

whatactivitiesdoyouwantthemtospendhoursoftimeenjoying?

Knowingthattheplasticbrainwillbealteredwithexperience,we

might be less comfortable with hours spent watching certain

television programs or playing violent video games. We might

insteadencourageourkidstoengageinactivitiesthatbuildtheir capacity for
relationships and for understanding other people—
whetherthatmeanshangingoutwithfriends,playinggameswith

their family, or participating in sports and other group activities that ask
them to work with others as a team. We might even
purposelycreatetimeforboredomonasummerday,sotheyhave

togotothegarageandseewhatinterestingfuntheycanhavewith

a pulley, some rope, and a roll of duct tape. (If someone comes back inside
to Google the phrase “duct tape parachute for baby
brother,”youmightwanttobreakouttheMonopolyboard.)

We cannot, nor would we want to, protect or rescue our kids

from all adversity and negative experiences. These challenging experiences

are an important part of growing up and developing
resilience,alongwithacquiringinternalskillsneededtocopewith
stressandfailureandtorespondwithflexibility.Whatwecandois

help our children make sense of their experiences so that those

challengeswillmorelikelybeencodedinthebrainconsciouslyas

“learning experiences,” rather than unconscious associations or

eventraumasthatlimittheminthefuture.Whenparentsdiscuss

experiences and memories with their kids, the children tend to have better
access to memories of those experiences. Kids whose parents talk to them
about their feelings also develop a more robust emotional intelligence and
can therefore be better at
noticingandunderstandingtheirownandotherpeople’sfeelings.

Neuronsthat retogetherwiretogether,changingthechangeable

brain.

Itallcomesbacktothepointthatthebrainchangesinresponse

toexperience.Whatdoyouwantyourchildrentoexperiencethat

willa ecttheirchangeablebrains?Whatbrainconnectionsdoyou

wanttonurture?Andmoretothepointinthisbook:knowingthat

a child’s brain is changeable, how do you want to respond to misbehavior?

After all, your kids’ repeated experiences with
disciplinewillbewiringtheirbrainsaswell.

“BrainC”#3:TheBrainIs Complex

Sothebrainischangingandchangeable.It’salsocomplex,whichis

our third Brain C. The brain is multifaceted, with di erent parts responsible
for di erent tasks. Some parts are responsible for
memory,othersforlanguage,othersforempathy,andsoon.

ThisthirdBrainCisoneofthemostimportantrealitiestokeep
inmindwhenitcomestodiscipline.Thebrain’scomplexitymeans

thatwhenourkidsareupset,orwhenthey’reactinginwayswe

don’t like, we can appeal to di erent “parts” of their brains, to di erent

regions and ways the brain functions, with di erent
parentalresponsesactivatingdi erentcircuitry.Wecantherefore

appealtoonepartofthebraintogetoneresult,anotherparttoget

adifferentresult.

Forexample,let’sgobacktotheupstairsanddownstairsbrains.

Ifyourchildismeltingdownandoutofcontrol,whichpartofthe

brain would you rather appeal to? The one that’s primitive and reactive? Or
the one that’s sophisticated and capable of logic, compassion, and self-
understanding? Do we try to connect to the one that responds as a reptile
would—with defensiveness and

attacks—ortotheonewiththepotentialtocalmdown,problemsolve, and even

apologize? The answer is obvious. We want to engage the upstairs brain’s
receptivity, rather than trigger the
downstairsbrain’sreactivity.Thenthehigherpartsofthebraincan

communicate and help override the lower, more impulsive and

reactiveparts.

Whenwedisciplinewiththreats—whetherexplicitlythroughour

words or implicitly through scary nonverbals like our tone,

posture,andfacialexpressions—weactivatethedefensivecircuits of our child’s

reactive reptilian downstairs brain. We call this
“pokingthelizard,”andwedon’trecommenditbecauseitalmost

always leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child.

Whenyour ve-year-oldthrowsa tatthegrocerystore,andyou

toweroverhimandpointyour ngerandinsistthroughclenched

teeth that he “calm down this instant,” you’re poking the lizard.

You’re triggering a downstairs reaction, which is almost never going to lead

anywhere productive for anyone involved. Your

child’ssensorysystemtakesinyourbodylanguageandwordsand

detects threat,whichbiologicallysetso theneuralcircuitrythat

allowshimtosurviveathreatfromhisenvironment—to ght,to
ee,tofreeze,ortofaint.Hisdownstairsbrainspringsintoaction,

preparingtoreactquicklyratherthanfullyconsideringalternatives
inamoreresponsive,receptivestate.Hismusclesmighttenseas

hepreparestodefendhimselfand,ifnecessary,attackwithfreeze

and ght.Orhemayrunawayin ight,orcollapseinafainting

response.Eachoftheseisapathwayofreactivityofthedownstairs

brain. And his thinking, rational selfcontrol circuitry of the

upstairsbraingoeso -line,becomingunavailableinthatmoment.

That’sthekey—wecan’tbeinbothareactivedownstairsstateand

a receptive upstairs state at the same time. The downstairs

reactivityholdssway.
In this situation, you can appeal to your child’s more

sophisticatedupstairsbrain,andallowittohelpreininthemore

reactivedownstairsbrain.Bydemonstratingrespectforyourchild,

nurturing him with lots of empathy, and remaining open to

collaborative and re ective discussions, you communicate “no

threat,”sothereptilianbraincanrelaxitsreactivity.Indoingso,

you activate the upstairs circuits, including the extremely

importantprefrontalcortex,whichisresponsibleforcalmdecision
making and controlling emotions and impulses. That’s how we

move from reactivity to receptivity. And that’s what we want to

teachourchildrentodo.

So instead of ercely demanding that your ve-year-old calm

down, you can help quiet and soothe the downstairs brain and
insteadbringtheupstairsbrainonlinebygentlyinvitinghimtobe

physicallyclosetoyouandlisteningtowhateverhe’supsetabout.

(Ifyou’reinapublicplaceandyourchildisdisturbingeveryone

around you, it may be necessary to take him outside while you

attempttoappealtohisupstairsbrain.)

Research supports this strategy of engaging the upstairs brain

ratherthanenragingthedownstairs.We’veseen,forexample,that
when a person is shown a photo of a face that’s angry or afraid, activity
increases in a region of the downstairs brain called the amygdala
(pronounced uh-MIG-duh-luh), which is responsible for
quicklyprocessingandexpressingstrongemotions,especiallyanger
andfear.Oneoftheamygdala’sprimaryjobsistoremainalertand

tosoundanalarmanytimewearethreatened,allowingustoact

quickly.Interestingly,simplyseeingaphotographofapersonwith

an angry or frightened face causes the viewer’s amygdala to

activate.Infact,eveniftheviewerseesthephotosoquicklythat

he or she isn’t consciously aware of having seen the picture, a

subliminal,instinctual,emotionalreactioncausestheamygdalato

fire,orbecomeactive.

What’s even more fascinating about the study is that when

viewerswereaskedtolabeltheemotioninthepicture,andnamed

itasfearoranger,theiramygdalaimmediatelybecamelessactive.

Why? Because part of the upstairs brain—a part called the

ventrolateralprefrontalcortex—tookchargewiththelabelingand

then processedtheemotion,allowingthethinking,analyticalpart

of the brain to take over and soothe the irritated lower regions, rather than
letting the reactive, emotional downstairs brain
dominateanddictatetheperson’sfeelingsandresponses.Thisisa

classicexampleofthe“nameittotameit”strategywediscussin

detail in TheWhole-BrainChild.Simplybynamingtheemotion,a
personfeelsherlevelsoffearandangerdecrease.That’showthe
upstairsbraincancalmthedownstairsbrain.Andthat’saskillthat

canlastalifetime.
Thisiswhatwewanttodoforourkidswhentheybecomeupset

andactout:helpthemengagetheirupstairsbrain.Theprefrontal

partoftheupstairsbrainactuallyhassoothing bersthatcancalm

thelowerregionswhentheyarereactive.Thekeyistogrowthem

wellinourchildren,andtoactivatetheminamomentofdistress

by rstconnectingbeforeredirecting.Wewantourkidstodevelop

theinternalskilltocalmthestormandre ectonwhat’shappening
inside.

Think back about the functions of the upstairs brain: good

decision making, control over emotions and body, exibility,

empathy,self-understanding,andmorality.Thesearetheaspectsof
ourkids’characterwewanttodevelop,right?Asweputitin The WholeBrain
Child, we want to engage the upstairs brain, rather
thanenragingthedownstairsbrain.Engage,don’tenrage.Whenwe
enragethedownstairsbrain,that’susuallybecause our amygdalais
ringaswell.Andguesswhattheamygdalawantstodo.Win!So
whentheamygdalaeinboththeparentandthechildare ringat

topspeed,bothlookingtowin,it’svirtuallyalwaysgoingtobea

dramaticbattlethatendswithbothsideslosing.Noonewillwin,

andrelationalcasualtieswilllitterthebattle eld.Allbecausewe

enragedthedownstairs,ratherthanengagingtheupstairs.

Touseadi erentmetaphor,it’sasifyouhavearemotecontrol

foryourchild,andyouhavethepower,atleasttosomeextent,to

determine what kind of a response you’ll receive when you two interact.
Press the engage button—the “calm down and think”

button—and you’ll appeal to the upstairs brain, activating a

calmingresponse.Butpushtheenragebutton—the“freakoutand

escalate emotions” button—by using threats and demands, and

you’ll be practically begging for the ghting part of the brain to

clickintoaction.You’llpokethelizardandgetareptilian,reactive
response.It’suptoyouwhichbuttontopress.
Remember, none of this is to excuse parents from the

responsibility of setting boundaries and clearly communicating

expectations.We’llgiveyoulotsofpracticalsuggestionsfordoing

so in the coming pages. But as you set those boundaries and

communicatethoseexpectations,you’llmakethingsmucheasieron

yourself,yourchild,andanyoneelsewithinshoutingrangeifyou

appeal to your child’s wiser and receptive self and her upstairs brain, as
opposed to her lizard reactiveness and her downstairs brain.

What’sevenmoreexcitingiswhathappens after weappealtothe

upstairsbrain.Whenitgetsengagedrepeatedly,itbecomesstrong.

Neuronsthat retogetherwiretogether.Sowhenachildisinan

upset state of mind and we invite the upstairs brain to become active, we
create a functional linkage between that dysregulated
stateandanactivationofthepartofherbrainthatbringsherback

into a well-regulated state. We can likely grow those soothing bers that
extend from the prefrontal upstairs brain into the downstairsbrain.

That means the more we appeal to our child’s more integrated nature—
themoreweaskhertothinkbeforesheactsortoconsider

someone else’s feelings, the more we ask her to act ethically or empathically
—thenthemoreshe’lluseherupstairsbrain,andthe

stronger it will become, because it is building connections and becoming

more integrated with the downstairs areas. Using her
upstairsbrainwillmoreandmorebecomeheraccessiblepathway,

herautomaticdefault,evenwhenemotionsrunhigh.Asaresult,

she’llbecomebetterandbetteratmakinggooddecisions,handling
heremotions,andcaringforothers.

ApplyingtheBrainC’s

Let’s talk now about what the three Brain C’s—changing,

changeable,andcomplex—looklikeinaction.WhenNinafreaked

out on the porch step, Liz’s rst instinct was to logically explain how the
transportation decisions had been made: “Your sister’s school is right by my
work.” She could have gone on to explain
thatTimhadmoretimetodriveNinatoherschool,andthatNina

hadjustyesterdaybeenaskingformoretimewithherfather.All

ofthesestatementsweretrue,andrational.

However, as we’ve said, when a child is in the throes of a

meltdown, logic will often be ine ective, sometimes even

counterproductive.ThisiswhatLizrecognizedasshelookedather

fury-lleddaughter.Ine ect,whatsherealizedwasthe rstofthe

threeBrainC’s:Nina’sbrainwas changing.Itwasdeveloping.Not developed,

developing.WhichmeantthatLizneededtobepatient
withherlittlegirlandnotexpecthertoconsistentlycontrolherself
likeanadult,orevenlikeanolderchild.Shetookadeepbreath

andworkedtoremaincalm,despitethestressbeingproducedby the unreasonable

four-year-old, the impatient seven-year-old, and theever-tickingclock.

JustasimportantinthissituationwasthesecondBrainC,that

the brain is changeable. Liz understood that the way she and her husband
handled each situation with their daughters wired the
girls’developingbrains,forgoodorforbad.Sointhismomentof
awareness, Liz resisted the urge she currently felt, which was to
hurriedlyandevenaggressivelypickuphercryingdaughter,march

hertoTim’scarstompingalltheway,strapherintohercarseat,

andslamthedoor.

By the way, if you recognize yourself in the anger-lled

depiction of how Liz wanted to handle the situation, you’re not

alone.We’veallbeenthere.(See“WhenaParentingExpertLoses

It” at the back of the book.) Caring parents will often condemn
themselvesovereverylittlemistaketheymake,orforeverytime

they miss an opportunity to approach a di cult moment from a WholeBrain

perspective. We urge you to listen to this internal
criticonlylongenoughtogainsomeawarenesssothatyoucando

better the next time, but then be generous and forgiving of

yourself. Of course you want to do your best with and for your
kids.Butaswe’llexplainindetailinthebook’sconclusion,even

parentalmistakescanbeextremelyvaluableforourkids—wecan

teachthemweareallhuman,andwecantakeresponsibilityfor

what happens and make a repair. That’s an essential teaching

experienceforallchildren.

Lizwashumanandaparent,soofcourseshemadehershareof

mistakes,aswealldo.Butinthisinstanceshedisciplinedfroma

No-Drama, WholeBrain frame of mind and made an intentional

decisiontotakeamomentandbethereemotionallyforheryoung

daughter.Bythispointthefamilywaslessthanoneminutebehind
schedule.AndLizrealizedthateventhoughNina’sfeelingsseemed

dramatic,theywerereal.Sheneededhermomrightthen.SoLiz
deniedtheimpulsetodowhatwaseasiestandquickest,andagain
pulledherdaughterclosetoher.

As for speci cally how she responded to the situation, that’s where the third
Brain C— complex— comes in. Liz understood her
daughterwellenoughtoknowbetterthantoenragethedownstairs
brain.Itwasplentyactivealready.Instead,sheneededtoengage

Nina’supstairsbrain.The rststep,though,hadtobetoconnect.

Beforeredirecting,wealwaysconnect.That’swhatLizwasdoing

whensheheldherdaughter.Yes,shewasinahurry,butnothing

positivecouldhappenuntilNinacalmeddownsome,whichdidn’t

takelongonceshewasinhermother’sarms.Injustafewseconds

LizfeltNinatakeadeepbreathandherlittlebodybegintosoften.

IfNinawereyourchild,youmighthavehandledthissituationin

oneofafewways,dependingonyourstyleandhertemperament.

LikeLiz,youwouldprobablyseekasyour rstgoaltohelpyour

daughtercalmdown,sothatherupstairsbrainwouldcomeback

onlineandshecouldlistentoreason.Youmightpromisetogetup

earlytomorrowmorningsoyou’dhavetimetotakehertoschool.

Oryoumightassureherthatyou’daskyourbossifyoucouldleave

workearlythisafternoonsoyoucouldpickupyourdaughterand
then have some one-on-one special time with her. Or you might o
ertotellherastoryonspeakerphonefromyourcarasherdad

drovehertoschool.

As it turned out, Liz tried several of these strategies, all to no

avail.Nocreativeinspirationhitthemark.Ninawashavingnone

ofit.

Aren’tyougladwedidn’tuseanexampleinwhichthatsituation

worked out nicely and perfectly? You’re relieved, aren’t you,

becauseyouknowitdoesn’talwaysgothatway.Nomatterhow

skillfullywehandleasituation,andnomatterhowcognizantwe

remainofimportantinformationlikethethreeBrainC’s,attimes

ourkidsstilldon’tdothingsthewaywe’dlike.Theydon’tpickup their toys. They

don’t automatically apologize to their brother.

Theydon’tcalmdown.Whichisexactlywhathappenedhere.Nina

wouldnotcooperate.Listeningtoherfeelings,holdingher,coming

upwithaplan…nothingdidthetrick.

But Liz still had to leave for work, and the kids had to get to school. So,
remaining calm and empathic—that’s our goal—she

explained that they had to go, and that Tim would drive her to school this
morning as planned: “I know you’re sad, and I

understandthatyouwanttoridewithme.Iwouldlikethat,too.

Butwecan’tmakethatworktoday.Wouldyouliketoclimbinor

wouldyoulikeDaddytohelpyougetinthecarnow?Daddywill
bewithyoutocomfortyouonthewaytoschool.Iloveyouand

I’llseeyouthisafternoon.”Andwiththat,thefront-porchsituation
ended,withTimholdingacryingNinaashecarriedhertohiscar.

Notice what we’re acknowledging here. No-Drama Discipline

can’tensurethatyourkidswillactthewayyou’dlikeeverytime

you address their behavior. The WholeBrain approach de nitely

givesyouamuchbetterchanceofachievingtheshort-termgoalof

encouragingcooperationfromyourchildren.Italsohelpsremove

or at least reduce the most explosive emotions in the situation,

deescalatingthedramaandthusavoidingtheharmandhurtthat

result when a parent yells or personalizes the issue. But it won’t always bee
ectiveatgettingtheexactbehavioryouhopefor.Kids
arehumanbeings,afterall,whohavetheirownemotions,desires,

and agendas; they’re not computers we program to do what we

want. But at the very least, as we’re sure you’ll agree after you
readthefollowingchapters,No-DramaDisciplinegivesyouamuch

better chance of communicating with your children in ways that

feelbettertobothofyou,buildtrustandrespectbetweenyou,and

decreasethedramainmostdisciplinesituations.

What’s more, a WholeBrain approach provides a way to show

our kids how much we love and respect them, even as we discipline them.
They know—and we reinforce it over and over throughout their lives—that
when they’re upset or acting

inappropriately,we’regoingtobethereforthem.Andwiththem.
Wedon’tturnourbackorrejectthemwhenthey’redistressed.We

don’tsay,orevenimply,thattheirhappinessisaconditionthey

must meet to receive our love. No-Drama Discipline al ows us to

communicatetoourchildren,“I’mwithyou.I’vegotyourback.Even
whenyou’reatyourworstandIdon’tlikethewayyou’reacting,Ilove
you,andI’mhereforyou.Iunderstandyou’rehavingahardtime,and Iamhere.”
Noparentcancommunicatethismessageallthetimein
everyscenario.Butwecansenditconsistentlyandrepeatedly,so

there’sneveranyquestioninourchildren’sminds.

This kind of predictable, sensitive, loving, relational discipline allows kids to

feel safe. As a result, they have the freedom to
becomeindependentindividualswhosebrainsarewiredinsucha

way that they are better able to think through decisions,

comprehend what they actually feel about a situation, consider

others’perspectives,andcometoasoundconclusionontheirown.

In other words, the experiences of emotional and physical safety

givethemthecapacitytoactresponsiblyandmakegoodchoices.

Incontrast,aparentingstylefocusedoncontrolandfear,stressing

that a child needs to toe the line all the time, undermines that
feelingofsafety.Ifachildlivesinconstantworrythathemight

messupandmakehisparentsunhappyorthathe’llbepunished,he

won’t feel the freedom to do all the things that grow and

strengthenhisupstairsbrain:consideringothers’feelings,exploring
alternativeactions,understandinghimself,andtryingtomakethe

bestdecisioninagivensituation.Wedon’twantourdisciplineto
causeourchildrentofocusalloftheirenergyandneuralresources

onmakingushappyorstayingoutoftrouble.Instead,wewantour

discipline to help grow our kids’ upstairs brains. And that’s just whatNo-
DramaDisciplinedoes.

No-DramaDisciplineBuildstheBrain

ThethreeBrainC’sleadtoonecrucialandundeniableconclusion,

which is the central notion of this chapter: No-Drama Discipline actually

helps build the brain. That’s right. It’s not only that a WholeBrain approach
can defuse di cult and highly charged situations with your kids. Or that it
will help you build your relationship with them as you more clearly
communicate how

much you love them and that they are safe, even as you set

boundaries for their behavior. All that’s true; the discipline

principlesandstrategieswe’llshowyouinthecomingpagesreally

do o er all of those bene ts, making your day-to-day life easier

andlessstressfulwhilenurturingyourrelationshipwithyourchild.

Butbeyondallthat,No-DramaDisciplineactuallybuildsachild’s

brain. It strengthens neural connections between the upstairs and downstairs

parts of the brain, and these connections lead to
personalinsight,responsibility, exibledecisionmaking,empathy, and morality.
The reason is that when we help strengthen the connective
bersbetweentheupstairsanddownstairs,thehigher

parts of the brain can communicate with and override a child’s primitive
impulses more and more often. And our disciplinary decisions go a long way
toward determining how strong those

connectionsare. Thewayweinteractwithourkidswhenthey’reupset signi

cantlya ectshowtheirbrainsdevelop,andthereforewhatkindof
peopletheyare,bothtodayandintheyearstocome. Thisishowour way of
communicating with our children impacts their internal skills, which are
embedded in the connections in their changing,
changeable,andcomplexbrains!

Itmakesperfectsensewhenyouthinkaboutit.Everytimewe

giveachildtheexperienceofexercisinghisupstairsbrain,itgets

stronger and more fully developed. When we ask him questions

thatdevelopinsightintohimself,hebecomesmoreinsightful.

When we encourage her to empathize with someone else, she

becomesmoreempathic.
Whenwegiveachildtheopportunityto decide howheshould

act,ratherthansimplytellinghimwhatheshoulddo,hebecomes

abetterdecisionmaker.
Andthat’soneoftheultimategoalsofparenting,isn’tit?That

ourkidsbecomemoreinsightful,empathic,andabletomakegood

decisions on their own? You know the old saying: “Give a man a
sh,andhe’lleatforaday.Teachamanto sh,andhe’lleatfora lifetime.” Our
ultimate goal isn’t that our children do what we
wantthemtodobecausewe’rewatchingthemortellingthemwhat

todo.(Thatwouldbefairlyimpractical,afterall,unlessweplan

onlivingandgoingtoworkwiththemfortherestoftheirlives.)

Rather, we want to help them learn to make positive and

productive choices on their own in whatever situation they face.

And that means we need to view the times they misbehave as

opportunities to give them practice building important skills and

havingthoseexperienceswiredintothebrain.
BuildingtheBrainbySettingLimits
This perspective can completely change the way we look at the
opportunitieswehavetohelpourkidsmakebetterchoices.When

wesetlimits,wehelpdevelopthepartsoftheupstairsbrainthat

allowchildrentocontrolthemselvesandregulatetheirbehaviors

andtheirbody.

Onewaytothinkaboutitisthatwe’rehelpingourkidsdevelop

the ability to shift between the di erent aspects of what’s called

theautonomicnervoussystem.Onepartoftheautonomicnervous

system is the sympathetic branch, which you can think of as the

“accelerator”ofthesystem.Likeagaspedal,itcausesustoreact

with gusto to impulses and situations, as it primes the body for

action.Theotherpartistheparasympatheticbranch,whichserves

as the “brakes” of the system and allows us to stop and regulate

ourselvesandourimpulses.Keepingtheacceleratorandthebrakes

in balance is key for emotional regulation, so when we help

children develop the capacity to control themselves even when they’re upset,
we’re helping them learn to balance these two
branchesoftheautonomicnervoussystem.

Purely in terms of brain functioning, sometimes an activated accelerator

(which might result in a child’s inappropriate and
impulsiveaction)followedbythesuddenapplicationofbrakes(in

the form of parental limit setting) leads to a nervous system response that
may cause the child to stop and feel a sense of shame. When this happens,
the physiologic manifestation might
resultinavoidingeyecontact,feelingaheavinessinherchest,and

possibly experiencing a sinking feeling in her stomach. Parents might

describe this by saying she “feels bad about what she’s done.”

This initial awareness of having crossed a line is extremely healthy, and it’s
evidence of a child’s developing upstairs brain.

Some scientists suggest that limit setting that creates a “healthy sense of
shame” leads to an internal compass to guide future
behavior.Itmeansshe’sbeginningtoacquireaconscience,oran

inner voice, along with anunderstanding of morality and selfcontrol. Over

time, as her parents repeatedly help her recognize the moments when she
needs to put on the brakes, her behavior
beginstochange.It’smorethansimplylearningthataparticular

action is bad, or that her parents don’t like what she’s done, so
she’dbetteravoidthatactionorshe’llgetintrouble.Moreoccurs

within this child than just learning the rules of good vs. bad or
acceptablevs.unacceptable.

Rather,herbrainactuallychanges,andhernervoussystemgets

wired to tell her what “feels right,” which modi es her future behavior. New
experiences wire new connections among her

neurons, and the changes in the circuitry of her brain

fundamentallyandpositivelyalterthewaysheinteractswithher

world.Thewayherparentshelpthisprocessalongisbylovingly

andempathicallyteachingherwhichbehaviorsareacceptableand

whicharen’t.That’swhyit’sessentialthatwesetlimitsandthat
our children internalize “no” when necessary, particularly in the
earlyyears,whentheregulatorycircuitsofthebrainarewiringup.

Byhelpingthemunderstandtherulesandlimitsintheirrespective

environments,wehelpbuildtheirconscience.

Thisisoftendi cultforalovingparent.Wewantourkidstobe

happy, and we like it when they receive what they desire. Plus
we’reawareofhowquicklyapleasantsituationcandevolvewhen

achilddoesn’tgetwhathewants.However,ifwetrulyloveour

kidsandwantwhat’sbestforthem,weneedtobeabletotolerate

thetensionanddiscomfortthey(andwe)mayexperiencewhenwe

setalimit.Wewanttosayyestoourchildrenasoftenaspossible,
butsometimessayingnoisthemostlovingthingwecando.

Onecaveathere:Manyparentssayno,oraformofit,fartoo

often.Theysayitautomatically,oftenwhenit’snotnecessary. Stop touching that

bal oon. No running. Don’t spil . Our point here isn’t
thatwewantourkidstoheartheword“no”alot.Infact,much moree
ectivethananoutrightnoisayeswithacondition:“Yes,

you can take a bath later” or “Yes, we’ll read another story, but we’ll need to
do it tomorrow.” Thepoint,inotherwords,isnotto
makeapointofsayingno,buttounderstandtheimportanceofhelping
kidsrecognizelimitssothattheybecomeincreasinglybetteratputting
onthebrakesthemselveswhennecessary.

A second caveat is important to note here, too. When limit—

setting and “no” are accompanied by parental anger or negative

commentsthatassaultachild,the“healthy,developmentalshame”
of a child simply learning to curb his or her behavior now is
transformedintomorecomplicated“toxicshame”andhumiliation.

Oneviewproposesthattoxicshameinvolvesnotsimplythesense

of having done something wrong, which can and needs to be

corrected, but the painful sense that one’s inner self is defective.

And this belief that the self is damaged is felt to be an

unchangeable condition of the child—not a behavior that can be modi

ed.Someresearchersconsiderthismovefrom“behaviorto

bechangedinthefuture”toa“selfthatisfundamentally awed”

as the outcome for children who experience repeated parental hostility in

response to their behavior. Toxic shame and

humiliation can continue through childhood and into adulthood,

evenbeneaththesurfaceofawareness,leavingindividualswitha

hidden“secret”thattheyarepermanentlyanddeeplydefective.A

cascade of negative consequences—having trouble with close

relationships that might reveal this hidden secret, feeling

unworthy,beingdriventosucceedinlifebutneverfeelingsatis ed

—canthendominatetheindividual’slife.Youasaparentcanavoid
givingyourchildthisnegativecascadeoftoxicshamebylearning how to create
needed structure without humiliating your child.

That’s an achievable goal, and we are committed to making that

pathavailabletoyouifyouchooseit.

What it all comes down to is that No-Drama Discipline

encourageskidstolookinsidethemselves,considerthefeelingsof
others,andmakedecisionsthatareoftendi cult,evenwhenthey

have the impulse or desire to do things another way. It allows

childrentoputintopracticetheemotionalandsocialabilitieswe

want them to understand and master. It allows you to create

structure with respect. When we’re willing to lovingly set a boundary—

justlikewhenwedisciplinewithanawarenessthatour

children’sbrainsarechanging,changeable,andcomplex—wehelp

create neural connections that improve our kids’ capacity for

relationships,selfcontrol,empathy,personalinsight,morality,and
much,muchmore.Andtheycanfeelgoodaboutwhotheyareas

individualswhilelearningtomodifytheirbehavior.
Allofthisleadstoanexcitingconclusionforparents:everytime

ourchildrenmisbehave,theygiveusanopportunitytounderstand

them better, and get a better sense of what they need help

learning.Childrenoftenactoutbecausetheyhaven’tyetdeveloped

skills in a particular area. So when your threeyear-old pulls her classmate’s

hair because he got the rst Dixie cup full of sh
crackers,she’sactuallytellingyou,“Ineedtobuildskillsinwaiting
myturn.”Likewise,whenyourseven-year-oldbecomesde antand

callsyou“Fart-faceJones”afteryoutellhimit’stimetoleavehis
playdate,he’sactuallysaying,“Ineedskillbuildingwhenitcomes

to handling myself well and communicating my disappointment

respectfully when I don’t get my way.” By misbehaving, kids

actually communicate to us whatthey need to be working on—

whathasnotyetbeendevelopedorwhatspeci cskillstheyneed

practicewith.
Thebadnewsisthatit’srarelymuchfun,eitherforthechildor

fortheparent.Thegoodnewsisthatwegetinformationwemight

not otherwise receive. The even better news is that we can then
takeintentionalstepstogiveourkidsexperiencesthathelpthem

improveontheirabilitytoshare,thinkofothers,speakkindly,and

so on. We’re not saying that when your children don’t handle things well,
you should necessarily celebrate. (“Yay! An

opportunitytohelpabraindevelopoptimallywithmyintentional
response!”)You’reprobablynotgoingtoenjoydiscipline,orlook

forward to future meltdowns. But when you realize that these “misbehavior
moments” aren’t just miserable experiences to
endure,butactuallyopportunitiesforknowledgeandgrowth,you
canreframethewholeexperienceandrecognizeitasachanceto

buildthebrainandcreatesomethingmeaningfulandsigni cantin

yourchild’slife.

CHAPTER3

FromTantrumtoTranquility:ConnectionIsthe
Key
Michaelheardvoicesrisinginhissons’roombutwaswatching

the basketball game on TV and decided to wait for a

commercialbeforeinvestigating.Bigmistake.

His eight-year-old, Graham, and Graham’s friend James had

spentthelastthirtyminutescarefullyorganizingandcategorizing

Graham’shundredsofLegopieces.Grahamhadusedhisallowance

to buy a shing tackle box, and he had designated a di erent

compartment for every Lego head, torso, helmet, sword, light saber, wand,
axe, and anything else the creative geniuses from
Denmarkcoulddreamup.Theboyswereinorganizationalheaven.

The problem was that Michael’s ve-year-old, Matthias, had

beenfeelingincreasinglyleftoutbyGrahamandJames.Thethree

boyshadbeguntheprojecttogether,buttheolderboyseventually

feltthatMatthiasdidn’tquiteunderstandtheircomplexcategorical
system.Asaresult,theyweren’tallowinghimtoparticipateinthe

activity.

Cuetherisingvoices.

Michaelnevermadeittothecommercial.Theshoutinglethim

knowthatheneededtointerveneimmediately,buthewasn’tquick

enough.Whenhewasstillthreestepsawayfromtheboys’room
—threeshortsteps!—heheardtheunmistakablesoundofhundreds

ofplasticLegopiecesexplodingacrossahardwoodfloor.

Threestepslaterhewitnessedthemayhemandcarnage.Itwasa

complete massacre. Decapitated heads littered the entire room, lying next to
armless bodies and weapons both medieval and
futuristic.Arainbowofchaosstretchedfromthedoorwaytothe
closetontheothersideoftheroom.

Next to the upended tackle box stood Michael’s hu ng, red-faced ve-year-
old,lookingathimwitheyesthatweresomehow

both de ant and terri ed. Michael turned to his older son, who yelled, “He
ruins everything!” and ran from the room in tears, followedbyasheepish-
lookinganduncomfortableJames.

Talk about a discipline moment. Both of his boys were now

bawling,afriendwascaughtinthecross re,andMichaelhimself

feltfurious.NotonlyhadMatthiasdestroyedalltheworktheolder

boyshaddone,butnowtherewasahugemesstocleanupinthe

room.(Ifyou’veeverfeltthepainofsteppingonaLegopiece,you

knowwhyitwasn’tanoptiontoleavethebitsspreadoutonthe

floor.)Andhewasmissingthegame.

Michaeldecidedhe’dgocheckontheolderboysinaminuteand

addressMatthias rst.Hisinitialinclinationwastostandoverhis

young son, wag his nger in his son’s face, and scold him for
dumpingthetacklebox.Inhisangerhewantedtoo erimmediate
consequences. He wanted to shout, “Why did you do this?” He
wantedtosaysomethingaboutneveragaingettingtoparticipatein

Graham’splaydates,thenadd,“Doyouseewhytheydidn’twant

youtoplaywiththeirLegos?”

Luckily,though,thethinkingpartofMichael(hisupstairsbrain)

took over, and he addressed the situation from a WholeBrain perspective.

What triggered the more mature and empathic

approach was his recognition of how much his little boy needed
himrightthen.OfcourseMichaelwouldhavetoaddressMatthias’s

behavior.Andyes,he’dobviouslyneedtobeabitmoreproactive

nexttimeinattendingtothesituationbeforeitspunoutofcontrol.

He’d want tohelp Matthias think about how Graham felt, and

understandthatouractionsoftenimpactotherpeopleinsigni cant

ways. All of this teaching, all of this redirection, was absolutely necessary.

Butnotrightnow.

Rightnow,heneededtoconnect.

Matthias was completely dysregulated emotionally, and he

neededhisdadtosoothethehurtfeelings,sadness,andangerthat

came from being criticized for being too little to understand and
frombeingexcluded.Thiswasnotthetimetoredirect,toteach,or

totalkaboutfamilyrulesandrespectforothers’property.Itwas

timetoconnect.
So Michael knelt down and opened his arms, and Matthias fell into them.
Michael held him as he sobbed, rubbed his back, and
saidnothingotherthananoccasional“Iknow,buddy.Iknow.”

A minute later Matthias looked up at him, his eyes shiny with

tears,andsaid,“IspilttheLegos.”

Inresponse,Michaellaughedalittleandsaid,“I’dsayyoudid

morethanthat,littleman!”

Matthiascrackedasmallsmile,andatthatpointMichaelknew

hecouldnowproceedtotheredirectingpartofthedisciplineand

help Matthias understand some important lessons about empathy

andappropriateexpressionsofbigfeelings.Hewasnow capable of
hearinghisfather.Michael’sconnectionandcomforthadallowed

hissontomoveoutofareactivestateandintoareceptiveone,

wherehecouldhearhisdadandreallylearn.

Notice that connecting rst is not only more relational and

loving.Yes,itallowsparentstoattunetotheirchildren,asMichael

did here, and be emotionally responsive when they’re upset and

dysregulated. That enables the child to “feel felt,” which is the inner sense
of being seen and understood that transforms chaos into calm, isolation into
connection. Connecting rst is a

fundamentallylovingwaytodiscipline.Butnoticehowmuchmore

effective aNo-Dramadisciplinaryapproachcanbeaswell.It’snot
thatalecturewouldhavebeen wrong asMichael’sinitialresponse to the
situation. Our pointhere isn’t about the rightness or
wrongnessofparentingapproaches(althoughwe’dde nitelyargue
that a WholeBrain approach is fundamentally more loving and
compassionate). The point is that Michael’s connect-rst tactic
achievedthetwogoalsofdiscipline—gainingcooperationandbrain

building—extremely e ectively. It allowed learning to occur, teaching to be

e ective, and connection to be established and
maintained.HisapproachletMichaelgethisson’sattention,andto

do so quickly and without drama, so they could talk about

Matthias’sbehavior insuchawaythathecouldlisten.Plus,itcould help build

Matthias’s brain, because he could now hear Michael’s
pointsandunderstandtheimportantlessonshisfatherwasteaching

him.Inaddition,Michaelmodeledforhissonattunedconnection

and showed him that there are calmer, more loving ways to

interactwhenyou’reupsetwithsomeone.Andallofthishappened

becauseMichaelconnectedfirst,beforeredirecting.
ProactiveParenting
We’lltalkinjustaminuteaboutwhyconnectionissuchapowerful

tool when our kids are upset or having trouble making good

decisions.Michaelobviouslyusedite ectively.Butbybeingjusta

bitslowtorespondtothesituation—threeshortsteps!—hemissed

anopportunitytoavoidtheentiredisciplinaryprocesscompletely.

Itreallyistrue.Attimeswecanavoidhavingtodisciplineatall,

simply by parenting proactively, rather than reactively. When we parent

proactively, we watch for times we can tell that
misbehaviorand/orameltdownisinourchildren’snearfuture—
it’sjustoverthehorizonofwheretheyarerightnow—andwestep

inandtrytoguidethemaroundthatpotentiallandmine.Michael

wanted to make it to the next commercial, so he didn’t respond

quicklyenoughtothesignsthattroublewasbeginningtosurfacein hissons’room.

Parenting proactively can make all the di erence. When, for

example,yoursweetandusuallycomplianteight-year-oldisgetting

ready to go to her swim lesson, you might notice that she

overreactsabitwhenit’stimetoapplysunscreen:“WhydoIhave

tousesunscreeneveryday?”Thenwhileyou’regettingherlittle

brotherready,shesitsdownatthepianoforaminutetoplayone

ofhersongs.Butshemissesacoupleofnotes,thenslamsher st
onthekeyboardinfrustration.

You could interpret these actions as isolated incidents and

overlookthem.Oryoucouldrecognizethemforthewarning ags

they probably are. You might remember that this particular

daughter gets especially upset when she’s hungry, so you might

stopwhatyou’redoingandsetanappleinfrontofher.Whenshe

looksupatyou,youcano erheraknowingsmileasareminder

of this tendency of hers, and hopefully she’ll nod, eat the apple,
andmovebackintoaplaceofself-control.

Granted,sometimesnoobvioussignspresentthemselvesbefore

ourkidsmakebaddecisionsandactinwaysthataren’tideal.But

other times we can read our children’s cues and take proactive
stepstostayaheadofthedisciplinecurve.Thatmightmeangiving

a warning ve minutes before having to leave the park, or

enforcingaconsistentbedtimesoyourkidsdon’tgettootiredand

grumpy.Itmightmeanstartingtotellapreschoolerasuspenseful

storyandthenpausingit,explainingthatyou’lltellwhathappens

nextonceshe’sinhercarseat.Ormaybeitmeansyoustepinto

begin a new game when you hear that your children are moving towardsigni
cantcon ictwitheachother.Itmightmeantellinga

toddler, with a voice full of intriguing energy, “Hey, before you throw that
french fry across the restaurant, I want to show you
whatIhaveinmypurse.”
AnotherwaytoparentproactivelyistoHALTbeforeresponding

to your kids. When you see your child’s behavior trending in a

directionyoudon’tlike,askyourself,“Ishehungry, angry, lonely, o rtired?” It
may be that all you need to do is to set out some
raisins,listentohisfeelings,playagamewithhim,orhelphimget more sleep.
Sometimes, in other words, all you need is a bit of
forethoughtandplanningahead.
Parenting proactively isn’t easy, and it takes a fair amount of awareness on
your part. But the more you can watch for the
beginningsofnegativebehaviorsandheadthemo atthepass,theless you’l
enduphavingtopickuptheliteralor gurativepieces,meaning
youandyourchildrenwil havemoretimesimplytoenjoyeachother.
As we all know, though, sometimes misbehavior just happens.

Oh,doesithappen.Andnoamountofproactivitycanpreventit.

That’s when it’s time to connect. We have to ght the urge to

immediatelypunish,lecture,laydownthelaw,orevenpositively

redirectrightaway.Instead,weneedto connect.

WhyConnectFirst?

Let’s get more speci c and talk about why connection is so powerful. We’ll
look at three primary bene ts—one shortterm, onelong-term,andonerelational
—ofmakingconnectionour rst

response when our kids have trouble controlling themselves and

makinggooddecisions.

Benefit#1:ConnectionMovesaChildfromReactivitytoReceptivity However we
decide to speci cally respond when our children

misbehave, there’s one thing we have to do: we must remain

emotionally connected with them, even when—and perhaps

especiallywhen—wediscipline.Afterall, it’swhenourkidsaremost
upsetthattheyneedusthemost.Thinkaboutit:theydon’t want to feel frustrated,
enraged, or out of control. That’s not only unpleasant, it’s extremely
stressful. Usually misbehavior is the
resultofachildhavingahardtimedealingwithwhat’sgoingon

around her—and inside her. She’s got all these big feelings she doesn’t yet
have the capacity to manage, and the misbehavior is
simplytheresult.Heractions—especiallywhenshe’soutofcontrol

—areamessagethatsheneedshelp.Theyareabidforassistance,

andforconnection.
Sowhenchildrenfeelfurious,dejected,ashamed,embarrassed,

overwhelmed,oroutofcontrolinanyotherway,that’swhenwe

needtobethereforthem.Throughconnection,wecansoothetheir

internal storm, help them calm down, and assist them in making better
decisions. When they feel our love and acceptance, when they “feel felt” by
us, even when they know we don’t like their actions (or
theydon’tlikeours),theycanbegintoregaincontrol

andallowtheirupstairsbrainstoengageagain.Whenthathappens,

e ective discipline can actually take place. Connection, in other

words,movesthemoutofareactivestateandintoastatewhere

theycanbemorereceptivetothelessonwewanttoteachandto

thehealthyinteractionswewanttosharewiththem.

Sothere’sagreatquestionwecanaskourselvesbeforewebegin

redirectingandexplicitlyteaching: Ismychildready?Readytohear
me,readytolearn,readytounderstand? Ifachildisn’tready,then
moreconnectionismostlikelyinorder.
AswesawwithMichaelandhis ve-year-old,connectioncalms

the nervous system, soothing children’s reactivity in the moment and moving
them toward a place where they can hear us, learn, and even make their own
WholeBrain decisions. When the

emotionalgaugegetsturnedup,connectionisthemodulatorthat

keeps the feelings from getting too high. Without connection,

emotionscancontinuetospiraloutofcontrol.

Imaginethelasttimeyoufeltreallysadorangryorupset.How

wouldithavefeltifsomeoneyoulovetoldyou,“Youneedtocalm

down,” or “It’s not that bigadeal”?Orwhatifyouweretoldto “go be by yourself

until you’re calm and ready to be nice and happy”? These responses would
feel awful, wouldn’t they? Yet
thesearethekindsofthingswetellourkidsallthetime.Whenwe do, we actually
increase their internal distress, leading to more acting out, not less. These
responses accomplish the opposite of connection,effectively amplifying
negativestates.

Connection,ontheotherhand,calms,allowingchildrentobegin

toregaincontroloftheiremotionsandbodies.Itallowsthemto

“feelfelt,”andthisempathysoothesthesenseofisolationorbeing

misunderstood that arises with the reactivity of their downstairs

brainandthewholenervoussystem:heartpounding,lungsrapidly

breathing, muscles tightening, and intestines churning. Those

reactivestatesareuncomfortable,andtheycanbecomeintensi ed

with further demands and disconnection. With connection,

however, kids can make more thoughtful choices and handle

themselvesbetter.

Whatconnectiondoes,essentially,isto integrate thebrain.Here’s how it works.

The brain, as we’ve said, is complex. (That’s the third Brain C.) It’s made up
of many parts, all of which have di
erentjobstodo.Theupstairsbrain,thedownstairsbrain.The

left side and the right side. There are memory centers and pain
regions.Alongwithallthesystemsandcircuitryofthebrain,these

partsofourbrainhavetheirownresponsibilities,theirownjobsto

do. When they work together as a coordinated whole, the brain becomes
integrated. Its many parts can perform as a team,

accomplishing more and being more e ective than they could

workingontheirown.

Asweexplainedin TheWhole-BrainChild,agoodimagetohelp

understandintegrationisariverofwell-being.Imagineyou’reina

canoe, oating along in a peaceful, idyllic river. You feel calm, relaxed, and
ready to deal with whatever comes along. It’s not
necessarilythateverything’sperfectorgoingyourway.It’smore

thatyou’reinanintegratedstateofmind—you’recalm,receptive,

and balanced, and your body feels energetic and at ease. Even when things
don’t work out the way you’d like, you can exibly
adapt.That’stheriverofwell-being.

Sometimes, though, you’re not able to stay in the ow of the

river.Youveertoofartoonebankortheother.Onesideofthe

river represents chaos. Near this bank are dangerous rapids that make life
feel frenzied and unmanageable. When you’re near the
chaosbank,you’reeasilyupset,andevenminorobstaclescanleave

you spinning out of control. You might experience overwhelming emotions

such as high anxiety or intense anger, and you might
noticethatyourbodyfeelschaotic,too,withtensemuscles,arapid

heartbeat,andafurrowedbrow.

The other bank is no less unpleasant, because it represents

rigidity. Here you get stuck desiring or expecting the world to operate inone
particular way, and you’re unwilling or unable to adapt when it doesn’t. In
your e ort to impose your own vision anddesiresontheworldaroundyou,you
ndthatyouwon’t,or

possibly even can’t, compromise or negotiate in any meaningful way.

Sochaosisononebank,rigidityontheother.Thetwoextremes

o er either a lack of control or so much control that there’s no

exibilityoradaptability.Andbothextremeskeepyououtofthe

peaceful owoftheriverofwell-being.Whetheryou’rechaoticor

rigid, you’re missing out on the opportunity to enjoy mental and

emotionalhealth,tofeelateasewiththeworld.

Think about the river of well-being in relation to your kids.

Almost always, when children act up or feel upset, they will

displayevidenceofchaos,rigidity,orboth.Whenanine-year-old

freaks outabout an oral presentation at school the next day and

endsuprippinguphernotesasshesobsthatshe’llneverbeableto

memorize her opening, she’s succumbed to chaos. She’s crashed into the
bank, far from the smooth-owing river of well-being.

Similarly, when a ve-year-old stubbornly insists on another

bedtimestoryorrefusestogetinthetubuntilhe ndshismost special wristband,
he’s right up against the rigidity bank. And
rememberNinafromthelastchapter?Whenshefellapartbecause

hermomtoldherthatherdadwouldbedrivinghertoschoolthat

morning,thenrefusedtoconsideranyalternativeperspectiveson

thesituation,shewaszigzaggingbackandforthbetweenchaosand

rigidity,nevergettingtoenjoythepeaceful owinthecenterof

theriverofwell-being.
Sothat’swhatconnectiondoes.Itmoveschildrenawayfromthe
banks and back into the ow, where they experience an internal
senseofbalanceandfeelhappierandmorestable.Thentheycan

hear what we need to tell them, and they can make better

decisions.Whenweconnectwithachildwhofeelsoverwhelmed

andchaotic,wehelpmoveherawayfromthatbankandintothe

center of the river, where she can feel more balanced and in
control.Whenweconnectwithachildwho’sstuckinarigidframe
ofmind,unabletoconsideralternativeperspectives,wehelphim

integrate so that he can loosen his unyielding grip on a situation

andbecomemore exibleandadaptive.Inbothcases,connection

creates an integrated state of mind, and the opportunity for learning.

We’llgetmuchmorespeci cinthenextchapteraboutpractical

waystoconnectwithyourchildrenwhenthey’reupset.Thebasic

approach, though, usually entails listening and providing lots of verbal and
nonverbal empathy. This is how we attune to our

children,tuningintotheinnerlifeoftheirmind—totheirfeelings

andthoughts,totheirperceptionsandmemories,towhathasinner

subjective meaning in their lives. This is tuning in to the mind

beneaththeirbehavior.Forexample,oneofthemostpowerfulways we connect
with our children is simply by physically touching them.Alovingtouch—
assimpleasahandonanarmorarubon

the back or a warmembrace—releases feelgood hormones (like

natural oxytocin and opioids) into our brain and body, and
decreases the level of our stress hormone (cortisol). When your
childrenarefeelingupset,alovingtouchcancalmthingsdownand

help you connect, even during moments of high stress. This is connecting
with their inner distress, not simply reacting to their
outwardlyvisiblebehavior.

Noticethatthiswasthe rstthingMichaeldidwhenhelooked

athisyoungsoninthemiddleoftheLegocarnage:hesatdown

andheldhim.

In doing so, he began to pull Matthias’s tiny canoe away from the bank of
chaos and back into the peaceful ow of the river.
Then he listened. Matthias didn’t need to say much: “I spilt the
Legos.”Withthathecouldbegintomoveon.Sometimeschildren

willneedtotalkmuchmore,andtobelistenedtoformuchlonger.

Orsometimestheydon’twanttotalk.Andsometimesitcanbeas

quickasitwashere.Nonverbaltouch,anempathicstatement—“I

know, buddy”—and a willingness to listen. That’s what Matthias

neededinordertoreturnsomeequilibriumtohisyoungbrainand impulsive body.
Once that happened, his father could begin to
teachhimbytalkingaboutthelessonsathand.

Even though Michael wasn’t thinking in these terms, what he

was doing was using his relationship, his connecting

communication, to help bring integration to Matthias’s brain, so that his

upstairs brain and his downstairs brain could work

together,andsothattherightandleftsidesofhisbraincouldwork

together. When Matthias became furious with the older boys, his
downstairsbraincompletelytookover,disablinghisupstairsbrain.

Theinstinctive,reactivelowerpartsofhisbrainbecamesoactive

thathelostaccesstothehigherpartsofthebrain,theonesthat

help him think about consequences and consider others’ feelings.

Thesetwopartsofhisbrainwerenotworkingtogether.Inother

words,hisbraininthatmomentwasdis-integrated,andtheresult

wastheLegomassacre.Byo eringanonverbalgestureinsteadof

just a bunch of logical, left-brained words, Michael was able to connect with
Matthias’s right brain, the side more directly
connectedtoandalso oodedbythedownstairsbrain.Rightand

left,downstairsandupstairs,Matthias’sbrainwasreadytobecome

more coordinated and balanced in its movement toward

integration.Connectionintegratedhisemotion-focuseddownstairs
brainandhisthinking-orientedupstairsbrainandallowedMichael

toachievetheshort-termgoalofgainingcooperationfromhisson.

Benefit#2:ConnectionBuildstheBrain

As we explained in the previous chapter, No-Drama Discipline builds the

brain of a child by improving his capacity for

relationships, selfcontrol, empathy, personal insight, and much more. We

discussed the importance of setting limits, creating
structure,andhelpingchildrenbuildinternalcontrolsandimpulse inhibition by
internalizing “no.” This is how we use our relationship with our children to
buildtheir brains’ executive functions. We also discussed other ways to
develop a child’s relationalanddecision-
makingabilities.Eachinteractionwithour kidso
erstheopportunitytobuildtheirbrainsandfurthertheir

capacitytobethekindofpeoplewehopethey’llbe.

Anditallbeginswithconnection.Inadditiontotheshort-term

bene tofmovingthemfromreactivitytoreceptivity,connecting

during a disciplinary interaction also impacts children’s brains in

waysthatwillhavelong-terme ectsastheygrowup.Whenwe o er comfort when
our kids are upset, when we listen to their feelings, when we communicate
how much we love them even

when they’ve messed up: when we respond in these ways, we

signi cantlyimpactthewaytheirbrainsdevelopandthekindof
peoplethey’llbe,bothnowandastheymoveintoadolescenceand

adulthood.

In upcoming chapters we’ll talk more about redirection,

includingtheexplicitlessonsweteachandthebehaviorswemodel

asweinteractwithourchildren.Obviously,achild’sbrainwillbe

greatly impacted by what we communicate to him when we

respond to misbehavior. And it will also be changed by what we

modelwithourownactionsinthemoment.Whetherconsciously

or subconsciously, a child’s brain will assimilate all kinds of information

based on the parental response to any situation. The more pertinent point
here is about connection, and how parents change and even build children’s
brains based on what children experienceinthatdisciplinarymoment.

Toputitinmoreneurologicalterms,connectionstrengthensthe

connective bersbetweentheupstairsanddownstairsbrainsothat

the higher parts of the brain can more e ectively communicate with and
override the lower, more primitive impulses. We

nicknamethese bersconnectingupperandlowerbrainareasthe “staircase of the

brain.” The staircase integrates upstairs and downstairs and bene ts the
region of the brain called the

prefrontal cortex. This key area of the brain helps create the executive
functions of self-regulation, including balancing our emotions, focusing our
attention, controlling our impulses, and connecting us empathically with
others. As the prefrontal cortex
develops,childrenwillbebetterabletoputintopracticethesocial

and emotional skills we want them to develop and ultimately to master as

they move through our home and out into the larger world.
Toputitsimply,integrationinarelationshipcreatesintegration

in the brain. An integrated relationship develops when we honor di erences

between ourselves and others, and then connect

through compassionate communication. We empathize with

anotherperson,feelingtheirfeelingsandunderstandingtheirpoint of view. In
this connection, we respect another person’s inner mental life but do not
become the other person. This is how we remaindi
erentiatedindividualsbutalsoconnect.Suchintegration creates harmony in a
relationship. Amazingly, interpersonal

integration can also be seen at the heart of how parent-child

relationshipscultivateintegrationinthechild’sbrain.Thisishow di
erentiatedregions—likeleftandright,orupanddown—remain

unique and specialized but also become linked. Regulation in the

braindependsuponthecoordinationandbalanceofvariousregions

that emerge from integration. And such neural integration is the basis for
executive functions, the capacity to regulate attention, emotions, thoughts,
and behavior. That’s the secret of the sauce!

Interpersonalintegrationcultivatesinternalneuralintegration!

So that’s the longterm bene t of connection: through

relationships,itcreatesneurallinkagesandgrowsintegrative bers
thatliterallychangethebrainandleaveourkidsmoreskilledat

making good decisions, participating in relationships, and

interactingsuccessfullywiththeirworld.

Benefit#3:ConnectionDeepenstheRelationshipwithYourChild

So connection o ers the shortterm bene t of moving kids from

reactivitytoreceptivity,andthelong-termbene tofbuildingthe
brain. The third bene t we want to highlight is a relational one:
connectiondeepensthebondbetweenyouandyourchild.

Moments of con ict can be the most di cult and precarious

times in any relationship. They can also be among the most

important. Of course our kids know we’re there for them when
we’resnugglingandreadingabooktogether,orwhenweshowup
andcheerattheirperformances.Butwhataboutwhentensionand

con ict arise? When we have incompatible desires or opinions?

Thesemomentsaretherealtest.Howwerespondtoourchildren

when we’re not happy with their choices—with loving guidance?

withirritationandcriticism?withfuryandashamingoutburst?—

will impact the development of our relationship with them, and

eventheirownsenseofself.

It’s not always easy to even want to connect when our kids misbehave, or
when they’re acting their ugliest and most out of
control.Connectingmightbethelastthingintheworldyouwant

to do when a ght breaks out between your kids on a quiet

airplane, or when they whine and complain about not getting a

bettertreatafteryou’vejusttakenthemtothemovies.

But connection should be our rst response in virtually any

disciplinarysituation.Notonlybecauseitcanhelpusdealwiththe

problem in the short term. Not only because it will make our children better
people in the long term. But also, and most
important, because it helps us communicate how much we value the
relationship. We know that our children have changing, changeable, and
complex brains, and that they need us when they’re struggling. The more we
respond with empathy, support,
andlistening,thebetteritwillbeforourrelationshipwiththem.

Tinarecentlyattendedabirthdaypartywithhersix-year-oldat

his friend Sabrina’s house. Her parents, Bassil and Kimberly,

walkedtheguestsoutattheendoftheparty.Whentheyreturned

to the living room of the house, they were met with a surprise.

Here’showKimberlyputitinanemailtoTina:

Aftertheparty,Sabrinawentintothehouseandopened

all of her gifts unsupervised. So I couldn’t write down

whogaveherwhat.Itwaspandemonium!Imanagedto

piecetogethermostoftheitemsbecausemydaughter

Sierra had been there when she opened them. Before

Sabrina writes out the thank-youcards, I’d like to get

thisclarified.DidJPgetherthekaleidoscopechalk?I’m

sureMissMannerswoulddisapproveofmytactics,but

I’drathergetitrightthanbenonspecific!

In this situation, we could certainly empathize with a tired

parentfornothandlingherselfwellwhenshereturnedtotheliving

roomto ndrecentlyopenedtoyseverywhereandtornwrapping

paperlitteringtheentire oor.Afterall,Kimberlyhadjusthosted

afunbutloud,entertainingbutchaoticbirthdaypartyfor fteen
sixyear-oldsandtheirparentsandsiblings.Thecircumstanceswere
ripeforaparentalmeltdown,highlightedbylotsofyellingabouta

spoiledkidwhocouldn’tevenwaituntilthepartywasoverbefore

rippingintothepresentslikeawildanimaltearingintomeat.

Bymaintainingherownself-control,though,Kimberlywasable

to address the situation from a No-Drama, WholeBrain frame of mind,

which led her to begin with—you guessed it—connection.

Ratherthanlaunchingintoalectureoratirade,sheconnectedwith

herdaughter.She rstacknowledgedhowfunitwastohavehad
theparty,andnowtogettoopenallofthepresents.Sheevensat

patientlyasSabrinashowedherthesetoffakemoustachesshewas

so excited about. (You’d have to know Sabrina.) And then, once

Kimberlyhadconnected,shespokewithherdaughter,teachingher

what she wanted her to know about presents and waiting and

thankyou notes. That’s how connection created an integrative opportunity,

building a stronger brain and strengthening a

relationship.

Willyoubeabletoconnect rsteverytimeyourkidsmessupor
losecontrolofthemselves?Ofcoursenot.Wecertainlydon’twith
ourownkids.Butthemorefrequentlywecanmakeconnectionour

rst response, regardless of what our children have done, or

whether or not we ourselves are in the river of well-being, the

morewe’llshowourkidsthattheycancountonustoo ersolace,

unconditionallove,andsupport,evenwhenthey’veactedinways

wedon’tlike.Talkaboutfortifyinganddeepeningarelationship!

What’s more, in strengthening your own relationship with your children,

you’ll be better equipping them to be good siblings, friends, and partners as
they move toward adulthood. You’ll be
teachingbyrolemodeling,guidingbywhatyoudoandnotonlyby

whatyousay.That’stherelationalbene tofconnection:itteaches

kidswhatitmeanstobeinarelationshipandtolove,evenwhen

we’renothappywiththechoicesmadebythepersonwelove.

WhatAboutTantrums?Aren’tWeSupposedtoIgnoreThem?
When we teach parents about connecting and redirecting, one of the most
common questions we hear is about tantrums. Usually someone in the
audience will ask something like, “I thought we were supposed to ignore
tantrums. Doesn’t connecting with a kid
whenhe’sfreakingoutjustgivehimattention?Sodoesn’tthatjust

reinforcethenegativebehavior?”

Our response to this question reveals another place where the No-Drama,
WholeBrain philosophy deviates from conventional

approaches.Yes,theremaybetimeswhenachildthrowswhatwe

mightcallastrategictantrum,whenhe’sincontrolofhimselfand

iswillfullyactingdistressedtoachieveadesiredend:togetatoy

he wants, to stay at the park longer, and so on. But with most children, and
almost always with young children, strategic

tantrumsaremuch,muchmoretheexceptionthantherule.

The vast majority of the time, a tantrum is evidence that a

child’sdownstairsbrainhashijackedhisupstairsbrainandlefthim

legitimatelyandhonestlyoutofcontrol.Or,evenifthechildisn’t

fullydysregulated,he’senoughoutofsortsinhisnervoussystem

that he whines or doesn’t have the capacity to be exible and manage his
feelings in that moment. And if a child is unable to
regulatehisemotionsandactions,ourresponseshouldbetoo er

helpandemphasizecomfort.Weshouldbenurturingandempathic,

and focus on connection. Whether he’s out of sorts and just

beginningtomovedowntheroadtodistressorsoupsetthathe’s
actuallyoutofcontrol,he needs usinthismoment.Westillneedto set limits—we
can’t let a child, in his distress, yank down the curtainsattherestaurant—
butourobjectiveinthatmomentisto

comforthimandhelphimcalmdownsohecanregaincontrolof

himself. Recall that chaos and losing control are signs of blocked
integration,wherethedi erentpartsofthebrainarenotworking

as a coordinated whole. And since connection creates integrative

opportunities, connection becomes the way we comfort.

Integrationcreatestheabilitytoregulateemotions—andthat’show

wesootheourkids,helpingthemmovefromthechaosorrigidity

of non-integrated states to the calmer and clearer harmony of

integrationandwell-being.

Sowhenparentsaskforouropinionontantrums,ourresponseis

that we need to completely reframe the way we think about the

timesourkidsarethemostupsetandoutofcontrol.Wesuggest

that parents view a tantrum not merely as an unpleasant

experiencetheyhavetolearntogetthrough,managefortheirown

bene t,orstopassoonaspossibleatallcosts,butinsteadasaplea

for help—as another opportunity to make a child feel safe and loved. It’s a
chance to soothedistress, to be a haven when an internal storm is raging, to
practice moving from a state of dis-

integration into a state of integration, through connection. That’s why we

call these moments of connection “integrative opportunities.” Remember
that a child’s repeated experience of
havinghercaregiverbeemotionallyresponsiveandattunedtoher
—connectwithher—buildsherbrain’sabilitytoself-regulateand

self-sootheovertime,leadingtomoreindependenceandresilience.

So a No-Drama response to a tantrum begins with parental

empathy. When we understand why children have tantrums—that their

young, developing brains are subject to becoming disintegrated as their big
emotions take over—then we’re going to o er a much more compassionate
response when the screaming,

yelling, and kicking begin. It doesn’t mean we’ll ever enjoy a child’stantrum
—ifyoudo,youmightconsiderseekingprofessional

help—but viewing it with empathy and compassion will lead to

muchgreatercalmandconnectionthanseeingitasevidenceofthe

childsimplybeingdifficultormanipulativeornaughty.

That’s why we’re not at all fans of the conventional approach that calls for
parents to completely ignore a tantrum. We agree
withthenotionthatatantrumis not thetimetoexplaintoachild
thatshe’sactinginappropriately.Achildinthemidstofatantrum

is not experiencing what is traditionally called a “teachable

moment.”Butthemomentcanbetransformedthroughconnection

intoanintegrativeopportunity.Parentstendtoovertalkingeneral

whentheirkidsareupset,andaskingquestionsandtryingtoteach

a lesson mid-tantrum can further escalate their emotions. Their

nervoussystemsarealreadyoverloaded,andthemorewetalk,the

morewefloodtheirsystemswithadditionalsensoryinput.

Butthatfactdoesn’tatalllogicallyleadtotheconclusionthat
we should ignore our children when they’re distraught. In fact, we’re
encouraging pretty much the opposite response. Ignoring a
childinthemidstofatantrumisoneoftheworstthingswecan

do, because whenachildisthatupset,he’sactual ysu ering. He is

miserable.Thestresshormonecortisolispumpingthroughhisbody

andwashingoverhisbrain,andhefeelscompletelyoutofcontrol

of his emotions and impulses, unable to calm himself or express

whatheneeds.That’ssu ering. Andjustlikeourkidsneedustobe
withthemandprovidereassuranceandcomfortwhenthey’rephysical y hurting,
they need the same thing when they’re su ering emotional y.

They need us to be calm and loving and nurturing. They need us to connect.
We know how unpleasant a tantrum can be. Believe us, we

know.Buthere’swhatitreallycomesdownto.Whatmessagedo

youwanttosendyourchildren?

When you deliver this second message, you’re not giving in.

You’renotbeingpermissive.Itdoesn’tmeanyouhavetoletachild

harm himself, destroy things, or put others at risk. You can, and
should,stillsetboundaries.Youmayevenhavetohelphimcontrol

hisbodyorstopanimpulseduringatantrum.(We’llo erspeci c
suggestionsfordoingsointhecomingchapters.) Butyousetthese
limitswhilecommunicatingyourloveandwalkingthroughthedi cult
momentwithyourchild,alwayscommunicating,“I’mhere.”

Ofcoursewewantthetantrumtoresolveasquicklyaspossible,

justlikewewanttogetoutofthedentistchairassoonaswecan.

It’ssimplynotpleasant.Butifyou’reworkingfromaWhole-Brain
perspective,thequickestendingtothetantrumisreallynotyour primary goal.
Rather, your rst objective is to be emotionally responsive and present for
your child. Your primary goal is to connect—which will o er all the
shortterm, longterm, and

relational bene ts we’ve been discussing. In other words, even

thoughyouwantthetantrumtoendassoonaspossible,thelarger

goalofconnectingactuallygetsyoutherealotmoree cientlyin

theshortrun,andachievesawholelotmoreinthelongrun.You’ll

make things easier and less dramatic for both your child and yourself by
providing empathy and your calm presence during a tantrum, and you’ll
build your child’s capacity to handle himself
betterinthefuture,becauseemotionalresponsivenessstrengthens

the integrative connections in his brain that allow him to make better
choices, control his body and emotions, and think about others.

HowDoYouConnectWithoutSpoilingaChild?

We’vesaidthatconnectiondefusescon ict,buildsachild’sbrain,

andstrengthenstheparent-childrelationship.Onequestionparents often raise,

though, has to do with a potential drawback of

connectingbeforeredirecting:“IfI’malwaysconnectingwhenmy
kids do something wrong, won’t I spoil them? In other words,
won’tthatreinforcethebehaviorthatI’mtryingtochange?”

Thesereasonablequestionsarebasedonamisunderstanding,so

let’stakeafewmomentsanddiscusswhatspoilingis,andwhatit’s

not. Then we can be more clear on why connecting during

disciplineisquitedifferentfromspoilingachild.

Let’s start with what spoiling is not. Spoiling is not about how
muchloveandtimeandattentionyougiveyourkids.Youcan’tspoil
yourchildrenbygivingthemtoomuchofyourself. Inthesameway,
youcan’tspoilababybyholdinghertoomuchorrespondingto her needs each time
she expresses them. Parenting authorities at
onetimetoldparentsnottopickuptheirbabiestoomuchforfear

ofspoilingthem.Wenowknowbetter.Respondingtoandsoothing

a child does not spoil her—but not responding to or soothing her creates a
child who is insecurely attached and anxious. Nurturing your relationship
with your child and giving her the consistent experiences that form the basis
of her accurate belief that she’s entitled to your love and a ection is exactly
what we should be doing.Inotherwords,wewanttoletourkidsknowthattheycan
countongettingtheir needs met.

Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other

caregivers)createtheirchild’sworldinsuchawaythatthechild

feels a sense of entitlement about getting her way, about getting what she
wants exactly when she wants it, and that everything
shouldcomeeasilytoherandbedoneforher.Wewantourkidsto expectthattheir
needs canbeunderstoodandconsistentlymet.But
wedon’twantourkidstoexpectthattheir desiresandwhims will always be met.
(To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, we want our
kidstoknowthey’llgetwhattheyneed,eveniftheycan’talways
getwhattheywant!)Andconnectingwhenachildisupsetorout

ofcontrolisaboutmeetingthatchild’sneeds,notgivingintowhat

shewants.

Thedictionaryde nitionof“spoil”is“toruinordoharmtothe

character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”

Spoilingcanofcourseoccurwhenwegiveourkidstoomuchstu ,

spendtoomuchmoneyonthem,orsayyesallthetime.Butitalso

occurswhenwegivechildrenthesensethattheworldandpeople

aroundthemwillservetheirwhims.

Is the current generation of parents more likely to spoil their kids than
previous generations? Quite possibly. We see this most commonly when
parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all. They overprotect
them from disappointments or di culties. Parents often confuse indulgence,
on one hand, with love and connection, on the other. If parents themselves
were raised by parents who weren’t emotionally responsive and

a ectionate, they often experience a well-meaning desire to do things di

erently with their own kids. The problem appears when they indulge their
children by giving them more and more stu , and
shelteringthemfromstrugglesandsadness,insteadoflavishlyo ering what their
kids real y need, and what real y matters—their love and
connectionandattentionandtime—astheirchildrenstruggleandface
thefrustrationsthatlifeinevitablybrings.

There’s a reason we worry about spoiling our kids by giving

themtoomuchstu .Whenkidsaregivenwhatevertheywantall

the time, they lose opportunities to build resilience and learn

importantlifelessons:aboutdelayinggrati cation,abouthavingto
workforsomething,aboutdealingwithdisappointment.Havinga

sense ofentitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can a

ectrelationshipsinthefuture,whentheentitledmind-setcomes

acrosstoothers.

Wealsowanttogiveourchildrenthegiftoflearningtowork

throughdi cultexperiences.We’redoingourchildnofavorwhen

we nd his un nished homework on the kitchen table and

completeitourselvesbeforerunningituptoschooltoprotecthim

fromfacingthenaturalconsequencesofalateassignment.Orwhen

wecallanotherparenttoaskforaninvitationtoabirthdayparty

that our child caught wind of but was not invited to. These

responsescreateanexpectationinchildrenthatthey’llexperiencea pain-
freeexistence,andasaresult,theymaybeunabletohandle

themselveswhenlifedoesn’tturnoutastheyanticipated.

Another problematic result of spoiling is that it chooses

immediate grati cation—for both child and parent—over what’s

bestforthechild.Sometimesweoverindulgeordecidenottoseta
limitbecauseit’seasierinthemoment.Sayingyestothatsecond
orthirdtreatofthedaymightbeeasierintheshorttermbecause

it avoids a meltdown. But what about tomorrow? Will treats be expected

then as well? Remember, the brain makes associations
fromallofourexperiences.Spoilingultimatelymakeslifeharder

onusasparentsbecausewe’reconstantlyhavingtodealwiththe
demands or the meltdowns that result when our kids don’t get
whatthey’vecometoexpect:thatthey’llgettheirwayallthetime.

Spoiledchildrenoftengrowuptobeunhappybecausepeoplein

the real world don’t respond to their every whim. They have a harder time
appreciating the smaller joys and the triumph of
creatingtheirownworldifothershavealwaysdoneitforthem.

True con dence and competence come not from succeeding at

getting what we want, but from our actual accomplishments and achieving
mastery of something on our own. Further, if a child
hasn’thadpracticedealingwiththeemotionsthatcomewithnot

getting what she wants and then adapting her attitude and

comforting herself, it’s going to be quite di cult to do so later

whendisappointmentsgetbigger.(InChapter6,bytheway,we’ll discuss some
strategies for dialing back the e ects of spoiling if
we’vegottenintothatunhelpfulhabit.)

What we’re saying is that parents are right to worry about spoiling their
kids. Overindulgence is unhelpful for children, unhelpful for
parents,andunhelpfulfortherelationship.Butspoilinghasnothingto do with
connecting with your child when he’s upset or making bad choices.
Remember, you can’t spoil a child by giving him too much
emotionalconnection,attention,physicala ection,orlove.Whenour
childrenneedus,weneedtobethereforthem.

Connection, in other words, isn’t about spoiling children,

coddlingthem,orinhibitingtheirindependence.Whenwecallfor

connection, we’re not endorsing what’s become known as

helicopter parenting, where parents hover over their children’s

lives,shieldingthemfromallstruggleandsadness.Connectionisn’t about
rescuing kids from adversity. Connection is about walking
throughthehardtimeswithourchildrenandbeingthereforthemwhen they’re
emotional y su ering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were
physical y su ering. In doing so, we’re actually building independence,
because when our children feel safe and connected, and when we’ve helped
them build relational and

emotional skills by disciplining from a WholeBrain perspective,

they’llfeelmoreandmorereadytotakeonwhateverlifethrows

theirway.
YouCanConnectWhileAlsoSettingLimits
So yes, as we discipline our children, we want to connect with
thememotionallyandmakesuretheyknowwe’rethereforthem

whenthey’rehavingahardtime.Butno,thisdoesn’tatallmean

weshouldindulgetheireverywhim.Infact,itwouldbenotonly

indulgent but irresponsible if your child were crying and

tantrumingatthetoystorebecauseshedidn’twanttoleave,and

you allowed her to keep screaming and throwing anything she

couldgetherhandson.

You’renotdoingachildanyfavorswhenyouremoveboundaries

from her life. It doesn’t feel good to her (or to you or the other people in the
toy store) to allow her emotional explosion to go unfettered. When we talk
about connecting with a child who’s struggling to control herself, we don’t
mean you allow her to
behavehowevershechooses.Youwouldn’tsimplysay“Youseem

upset”toachildashehurlsaBartSimpsonaction guretowarda

breakable Hello Kitty alarm clock. A more appropriate response

wouldbetosaysomethinglike,“Icanseethatyou’reupsetand

you’re having a hard time stopping your body. I will help you.”

Youmightneedtogentlypickhimuporguidehimoutsideasyou

continue to connect—using empathy and physical touch,

remembering that he’s needing you—until he’s calm. Once he’s

moreincontrolofhimselfandinastateofmindthat’sreceptiveto
learning,thenyoucandiscusswhathappenedwithhim.

Notice the di erence in the two responses. One (“You seem

upset”) allows the child’s impulses to hold everyone captive,

leavinghimunawareofwhatthelimitsare,anddoesn’tgivehim

the experience of putting on the brakes when his desires are

pressingthegaspedal.Theothergiveshimpracticeatlearningthat

therearelimitsonwhathecanandcan’tdo.Kidsneedtofeelthat

wecareaboutwhatthey’regoingthrough,buttheyalsoneedusto

provide rules and boundaries that allow them to know what’s

expectedinagivenenvironment.
WhenDan’schildrenweresmallhetookthemtoaneighborhood

parkwherehewitnessedafour-or ve-year-oldboybeingbossy

andtooroughwiththechildrenaroundhim,someofthemquite

little.Theboy’smotherchosenottointervene,ostensiblybecause

she’d“rathernotsolvehisproblemsforhim.”Eventuallyanother

mom let her know that the boy was being rough and preventing children
from using the slide, at which time his mother harshly
reprimandedhimfromacrosstheway:“Brian!Letthosekidsslide
orwe’regoinghome!”Inresponse,hetoldherthatshewasstupid

andbeganthrowingsand.Shesaid,“OK,we’regoing,”andbegan

gatheringuptheirthings,butherefusedtoleave.Themomkept
makingthreatsbuttooknoaction.WhenDanleftwithhiskidsten
minuteslater,themomandhersonwerestillthere.

This situation raises a question about what we mean when we

talkaboutconnecting.Inthiscase,theissueathandwasn’tthatthe

b o ywas upset and crying. He was still having a hard time

regulating his impulses and handling the situation, but it was expressed more
in stubborn and oppositional behavior. Still, connection was in order before
his mother attempted to redirect him. When a child isn’t overwhelmed by
emotions but is simply making lessthan-optimal decisions, connection might
mean

acknowledging how he’s feeling in that moment. She could walk

overandsay,“Itlookslikeyou’rehavingfundecidingwhogetsto

usetheslide.Tellmemoreaboutwhatyouandyourfriendsare

doinghere.”

A simple statement like this, said in a tone that communicates

interestandcuriosityinsteadofjudgmentandanger,establishesan

emotionalconnectionbetweenthetwoofthem.Theboy’smother

canthenmorecrediblyfollowupwithherredirection,whichmight

express the same sentiment she used earlier, but do so in a very di erent tone.
Depending on her own personality and her son’s
temperament,shecouldsaysomethinglike,“Hmmm.Ijustheard
from another mom that some of the kids are wanting to use the
slide,andthatthey’renotlikinghowyou’reblockingit.Theslide

isforallthekidsatthepark.Doyouhaveanyideasforhowwe

canallshareit?”

Inagoodmoment,hemightsaysomethinglike,“Iknow!I’llgo

down and then run around and they can go down while I’m

climbingbackup.”Inanot-so-generousmoment,hemightrefuse,

atwhichtimethemothermightneedtosay,“Ifit’stoohardtouse

theslideinawaythatworksforyou and yourfriends,thenwe’ll

needtodosomethingdifferent,likethrowingtheFrisbee.”
Withthesetypesofstatements,themotherwouldbeattuningto

hisemotionalstate,whilestillenforcingboundariesthatteachthat we need to be
considerate of others. She could even give him a second chance if need be.
But if he then refused to comply and began hurling more insults and more
sand, she would have to

followthroughontheredirectionshepromised:“Icanseeyou’re

reallyangryanddisappointedaboutleavingthepark.Butwecan’t

staybecauseyou’rehavingahardtimemakinggoodchoicesright

now.Wouldyouliketowalktothecar?OrIcancarryyouthere.

It’syourchoice.”Thenshe’dneedtomakeithappen.
So yes, we want to always connect with our children

emotionally.

Butalongwithconnecting,wemusthelpkidsmakegoodchoices

and respect boundaries, as we clearly communicate and hold the limits. It’s
what children need, and even what they want,

ultimately.Again,theydon’tfeelgoodwhentheiremotionalstates

holdthemandeveryoneelsehostage.Itleavesthemonthechaos

bankoftheriver,feelingoutofcontrol.Wecanhelpmovetheir

brainsbacktowardastateofintegrationandmovethembackinto

the ow of the river by teaching them the rules that help them
understandhowtheworldandrelationshipswork.Givingparental

structure to our children’s emotional lives actually gives them a

senseofsecurityandthefreedomtofeel.

We want our kids to learn that relationships ourish with

respect, nurturing, warmth, consideration, cooperation, and

compromise.Sowewanttointeractwiththemfromaperspective

that emphasizes both connections and boundary setting. In other

words,whenweconsistentlypayattentiontotheirinternalworld

whilealsoholdingtostandardsabouttheirbehavior,thesearethe

lessons they’ll learn. From parental sensitivity and structure

emergeachild’sresourcefulness,resilience,andrelationalability.

Ultimately, then, kids need us to set boundaries and communicate

ourexpectations.Butthekeyhereisthatal disciplineshouldbeginby nurturing
our children and attuning to their internal world, al owing
themtoknowthattheyareseen,heard,andlovedbytheirparents— even when
they’ve done something wrong. When children feel seen,
safe,andsoothed,theyfeelsecureandtheythrive.Thisishowwe
canvalueourchildren’smindswhilehelpingtoshapeandstructure

theirbehavior.Wecanhelpguideabehavioralchange,teachanew

skill,andimpartanimportantwayofapproachingaproblem,all

whilevaluingachild’smindbeneaththebehavior.Thisishowwe

discipline,howweteach,whilenurturingachild’ssenseofselfand

sense of connection to us. Then they’ll interact with the world around them
based on these beliefs and with these social and
emotionalskills,becausetheirbrainswillbewiredtoexpectthat

theirneedswillbemetandthattheyareunconditionallyloved.
So the next time one of your children loses control or does

somethingthatdrivesyoucompletelycrazy,remindyourselfthata

child’s need to connect is greatest in times of high emotion. Yes, you’ll need
to address the behavior, to redirect and teach the lessons.But
rst,reframethosebigfeelingsandrecognizethemfor

whattheyare:abidforconnection. Whenyourchildisathisworst, that’s when he

needs you the most. To connect is to share in your child’s experience, to be
present with him, to walk through this di
culttimewithhim.Indoingsoyouhelpintegratehisbrainand

o er him the emotional regulation he’s unable to access on his own. Then he
can move back into the ow of the river of well-being. You will have helped
him move from reactivity to
receptivity,helpedbuildhisbrain,anddeepenedandstrengthened
therelationshipyoutwoshare.

CHAPTER4

No-DramaConnectioninAction

Tinaandherfamilywereeatingdinnerathomeonenightwhen

she and her husband noticed that their sixyear-old hadn’t

returnedfromthebathroomforseveralminutes.Theyfoundhim

playingonTina’siPadinthelivingroom.Here’showTinatellsthe

story:

At rst I was frustrated because my sixyear-old had

broken several of our rules. He had snuck away from

thetable,andhehadplayedontheiPadwithoutasking.

He had also taken the iPad out of its protective case,

whichheknewhewasn’tsupposedtodo.Noneofthe

infractions was signi cant. The problem was that he

wasdisregardingtheruleswehadallagreedto.

First, I thought about my son, and his temperament

and developmental stage. As Dan and I have said

severaltimesnow,contextalwayshastobetakeninto

considerationwhendecidinghowtodiscipline.Iknew

that because my son is a sensitive and conscientious

little guy, I probably wouldn’t need to say much to

disciplinehim.

ScottandIsatonthecouchnexttohim,andIsimply

said,inacurioustone,“Whathappenedhere?”

Immediately,myson’slowerlipbegantoquiver,and

tears pooled in his eyes. “I just wanted to try

Minecraft!”

Thenonverbalcommunicationwasare ectionofhis
innerconscienceandhisowndiscomfort,andthewords

were an admission of guilt. Implicit in his statement

was the message, “I know I wasn’t supposed to leave

thetableandgettheiPad,butIjustwantedtoplayso

bad! My impulse was too strong.” By this moment, in

otherwords,Ialreadyknewthattheredirectionpartof

ourconversationwasn’tgoingtobetoochallenging.At

othertimesitis,butnotnow,whentherewasalready

anawarenessonhispart.

Before redirecting, though, I wanted to meet him

wherehewas,andtoconnectwithhimemotionally.I

said, “You really are interested in that game, aren’t

you? You’re curious about what the bigger boys are

playing?”

Scottfollowedmyleadandsaidsomethingabouthow

cool it is that the game allows you to create a whole

worldfullofbuildingsandtunnelsandanimals.

Oursonsheepishlylookedupatus,movinghiseyes

from me to Scott, questioning whether things were

reallyOKamongusall.Thenhenoddedandgaveusa

softsmile.

Withthesefewsentencesandglances,connectionhad

been established. Scott and I could then redirect. And

again,knowingoursonandrecognizingwherehewas

atthismoment,thesituationdidn’trequiremuchfrom

us.Scottsimplyasked,“Butwhataboutourrules?”

Hereoursonbegantocryinearnest.Notmuchmore

neededtobesaidbecausethelessonhadalreadybeen

internalized.

Iputmyarmaroundhimtocomforthim.Isaid,“I

know your choices tonight didn’t follow our rules. Is

thereanythingyou’ddodifferentlynexttime?”

He nodded as he cried, then promised to ask to be

excusedbeforeleavingthetablenexttime.Wehugged,

and then Scottasked him a Minecraft question, which

led him to explain to his dad something about a

trapdoorandadungeon.Ashebecamemoreanimated,

he moved past his guilt and his tears, and we all

rejoinedtherestofthefamilyatthetable.Connection

hadledtoredirection,meaningnotonlythatteaching

could occur, but also that our son felt understood and

loved.

SettingtheStageforConnection:ResponseFlexibility

Inthepreviouschapterwediscussedconnectionasthe rststepof

thedisciplineprocess.Nowwe’llfocusonwhatthatactuallylooks

likeinaction,recommendingprinciplesandstrategiesyoucanrely

onwhenyourchildisupsetormisbehaving.Sometimesconnection

is fairly simple, as it was here for Tina. Often, it’s much more challenging.

As we discuss recommendations for connection, avoid the

temptationtolookfortheformulaicone-size- ts-alltechniquethat is supposed to

apply in every situation. The following principles and strategies are
extremely e ective most of the time. But you
shouldapplytheseapproachesbasedonyourownparentingstyle,

thesituationathand,andyourindividualchild’stemperament.In

otherwords,maintainresponseflexibility.
Response exibility means just what it sounds like—being

exibleaboutourresponsetoasituation.Itmeanspausingtothink

andtochoosethebestcourseofaction.Itletsusseparatestimulus

from response, so that our reaction doesn’t immediately (and

unintentionally)followfromachild’sbehaviororourowninternal chaos. So
when A happens, we don’t just automatically do B;
insteadweconsiderB,C,orevenacomboofDandE.Response

exibilitycreatesaspaceintimeandinourmindsthatenablesa

widerangeofpossibilitiestobeconsidered.Asaresult,wecanjust

“be” with an experience, if only for a few seconds, and re ect

beforeengagingthe“do”circuitryofaction.

Response exibility helps you choose to be your wisest self

possibleinadi cultmomentwithyourchild,sothatconnection

canoccur. It’s pretty much the opposite of autopilot discipline, where you
apply a robotic one-size- ts-all approach to every scenario that arises. When
we’re exible in our responses to our
children’sstateofmindandtheirmisbehavior,weallowourselves

tointentionallyrespondtoasituationinthebestwaypossibleand

provideourkidswithwhattheyneedinthemoment.

Dependingonyourchild’sinfraction,thismightrequiretakinga

momenttocalmdown.It’sagoodruleofthumbnottorespondthe

nanosecond after you witness a misbehavior. We know you may

feel,intheheatofthemoment,likelayingdownthelaw,yelling that since your

daughter pushed her brother into the pool, she’s
doneswimmingfortherestofthesummer.(Aren’tweridiculous

sometimes?)Butifyoucantakeafewsecondsandallowyourself

tocalmdown,ratherthanmakingasceneatthepublicpooland

overshooting the discipline mark, you’ll have a better chance at

intentionallyrespondingoutofacalmerandmorethoughtfulpart

of yourself to what your child actually needs right then. (As a

bonus,youcanavoidbeingthesubjectofdinnerconversationsall

aroundtownthatbegin,“Youshould’veseenthiscrazyladyatthe

pooltoday.”)

At other times, response exibility may lead you to decide to take a firmer
stand on an issue than you normally might. If you
noticesignsthatyoureleven-year-oldistakinglessinitiativewith his
responsibilities and his schoolwork, you might decide not to
drivehimbacktoschoolsohecanretrievethebookhe(again!) “has no idea how”
he left in his locker. You would sincerely empathize with him and make sure
to connect—“It’s such a

bummer that you forgot your book and won’t have your

assignment ready tomorrow”—but you’d allow him to experience

thenaturalandlogicalfalloutofhisforgetfulness.Ormaybeyou

would take him to get his book, because his personality or the
contextofthesituationleadsyoutobelievethatapproachwould
bebest.That’sthewholepoint.Response exibilitymeansyou’re

making a point to decide how you want to respond to each

situationthatarises,ratherthansimplyreactingwithoutthinking

aboutit.

Like so many aspects of parenting, response exibility is

fundamentally about parenting intentionally. We’re talking about remaining
mindful of meeting the needs of your child— this particular child—in this
particular moment. When that goal is
centralinyourmind,connectionwillnecessarilyfollow.

Now let’s look at some speci c ways you can use response

exibility to connect with your kids when they’re having a hard time handling
themselves well or when they’re making unwise

decisions. We’ll start by focusing on three No-Drama connection principles

that set the stage and allow for connection between
parentandchild.Thenwe’llmovetosomemoreimmediatein-the—

momentconnectionstrategies.

ConnectionPrinciple#1:TurnDowntheSharkMusic

Ifyou’veheardDanspeak,youmayhaveseenhimintroducethe

conceptofsharkmusic.Here’showheexplainstheidea:

First,Iasktheaudiencetomonitortheresponseoftheir bodies and minds as I

show them a thirty-second

video. *Onthescreen,theaudienceseeswhatappears
tobeabeautifulforest.Fromthepointofviewofthe

person holding the camera, the audience sees a rustic

trail and moves down that path toward a beautiful

ocean. All the while, calm, classical-sounding piano

music plays, communicating a sense of peace and

serenityinanidyllicenvironment.

Ithenstopthevideoandasktheaudiencetowatchit
again,explainingthatI’mgoingtoshowthemtheexact

same video, but this time di erent music will play in

the background. The audience then sees the same

images—the forest, the rustic trail, the ocean. But the

soundtrackthistimeisdarkandmenacing.It’slikethe

famous theme music from the movie Jaws, and it

completely colors the way the scene is perceived. The

peaceful scene now looks threatening—who knows

whatmightjumpout?—andthepathleadssomewhere

we’reprettysurewedon’twanttogo.There’snotelling

what we’ll nd in the water at the end of the trail;

basedonthemusic,it’slikelyashark.Butdespiteour

fear,thecameracontinuestoapproachthewater.

Theexactsameimages,butastheaudiencediscovers,

the experience drastically changes with di erent

background music. One soundtrack leads to peace and

serenity,theothertofearanddread.

It’s the same when we interact with our children. We have to

payattentiontoourbackgroundmusic.“Sharkmusic”takesusout

ofthepresentmoment,causingustopracticefear-basedparenting.
Our attention is on whatever we are feeling reactive about. We worry about
what’s coming in the future, or we respond to
somethingfromthepast.Whenwedoso,wemisswhat’sactually happening in the
moment—what our children really need, and

what they’re actually communicating. As a result, we don’t give them our

best. Shark music, in other words, keeps us from

parentingthisindividualchildinthisindividualmoment.

Forinstance,imaginethatyourfifthgradercomeshomewithher

rst progress report, which shows that, since she was sick and
missedacoupleofdaysofclass,hermathaverageislowerthan

you’dexpect.Withoutsharkmusicplayinginthebackground,you

might just chalk this up to the absences, or to the more di cult subject matter
in fth grade. You’d take steps to make sure she
understandsthematerialnow,andyoumightormightnotdecide

to visit with her teacher. In other words, you’d approach the

situationfromacalmandrationalperspective.

If,however,yourdaughter’solderbrotherisaninthgraderwho

hasshownhimselftobelessthanresponsiblewithhishomework,

and who is struggling with the basics of algebra, this prior experiencemight
become shark music that plays in your mind as
yourdaughtershowsyouherprogressreport.“Herewegoagain”

mightbetherefrainthattakesoveryourthoughts.Soinsteadof

responding to the situation as you normally would, asking your

daughterhowshefeelsaboutitandtryingto gureoutwhat’sbest

forher,youthinkaboutyourson’sproblemswithalgebra,andyou
overreact to your daughter’s situation. You begin talking to her
aboutconsequences,andcuttingbackonafter-schoolactivities.If

thesharkmusic real y getstoyou,maybeyoustartlecturingabout

gettingintogoodcolleges,andthechainofeventsthatleadsfroma

couple of bad grades in fthgrade math to problems in middle school and high
school and nally to a slew of rejection letters
fromuniversitiesallacrossthecountry.Beforeyouknowit,your

adorable ten-year-old has become a homeless woman pushing a

shopping cart toward the cardboard box she lives in under the bridge down
by the river—all because she got mixed up about
whichwaythe“greaterthan”symbolpoints!

The key to a No-Drama response, as is so often the case, is

awareness. Once you recognize thatsharkmusicisblaringinyour

mind,youcanshiftyourstateofmindandstopparentingbasedon

fear and on past experiences that don’t apply to the current

scenarioyouface.Instead,youcanconnectwithyourchild,who

mightbefeelingdiscouraged.Youcangiveherwhatsheneedsin

this moment: a parent who is fully present, parenting only her based
onlyontheactualfactsofthisparticularsituation—notonpast
expectationsorfuturefears.Seeillustrationsonnextpage.

This isn’t to say that we don’t pay attention to patterns of behavior over
time. We can also get trapped in states of denial where we overcontextualize
behavior or explain away our kids’

repeated struggles with all kinds of excuses that keep us from seeking
intervention or from helping our children build the skills
theyneed.You’vemettheparentwhohasachildwhoisneverat

fault and whom the parents never hold accountable. See

illustrationsonnextpage.

When the “excuse avor of the week” becomes a pattern of

parental response, then the parents are probably working from a di erentkind
of shark music. It’s similar to the parents whose children were medically
vulnerable as babies, whose shark music
nowleadsthemtooverdofortheirkids,treatingthemasifthey

arestillmorefragilethantheyactuallyare.
The point is that shark music can prevent us from parenting

intentionallyandfrombeingwhoourchildrenneedustobeatany

given moment. It makes us reactive instead of receptive.

Sometimeswe’recalledtoadjustourexpectationsandrealizethat

our children just need more time for development to unfold; at

othertimesweneedtoadjustourexpectationsandrealizethatour

childrenarecapableof more thanwe’reaskingofthem,sowecan

challengethemtotakemoreresponsibilityfortheirchoices.Atstill other times we
need to pay attention to our own needs, desires, and past experiences, any of
which can override our ability to make good moment-by-moment decisions.
The problem is that
when we are reactive, we can’t receive input from others, or demonstrate any
response exibility to consider the various options in our own mind. (If you’d
like to go deeperwith this concept,Dancoversitextensivelyin
ParentingfromtheInsideOut, co-authoredwithMaryHartzell.)

Ultimately, our job is to give unconditional love and calm

presence to our kids even when they’re at their worst. Especial y

whenthey’reattheirworst.That’showwestayreceptiveinstead of going reactive.
And the perspective we take on their behavior will necessarily a ect how we
respond to them. If we recognize themforthestill-
developingyoungpeopletheyare,withchanging,

changeable,complexyoungbrains,thenwhentheystruggleordo

somethingwedon’tlike,we’llbebetterabletobereceptiveand

hearthecalmingpianomusic.We’llthereforeinteractwiththemin

awaythat’smorelikelytoleadtopeaceandserenity.

Sharkmusic,ontheotherhand,willtakeusoutofthepresent

moment,andoutofourrightminds,aswebecomereactive.Itwill

fuel our internal chaos and lead us to make all kinds of

assumptions, to worry about all kinds of possibilities that simply shouldn’t

be considered in this particular situation. It might even lead us to
automatically assume that our kids are “acting out”

becausetheyaresel sh,lazy,spoiled,orwhateverotherlabelwe

choose.Thenwe’llrespondnotoutofloveandintentionality,but

outofreactivity,anger,anxiety,drama,andfear.

Sothenexttimeyouneedtodiscipline,pauseforjustasecond
andlistenforthesoundtrackinyourhead.Ifyouhearcalmpiano

musicandfeelcapableofo eringaloving,objective,clearheaded

responsetothesituation,thengoaheadando erjustthatkindof

response.Butifyounoticethesharkmusic,beverycarefulabout

whatyoudoandsay.Giveyourselfaminute—longer,ifnecessary

—beforeresponding.Then,whenyoufeelyourselflettinggoofthe

fears,expectations,andbigger-than-necessaryreactivitythatkeep you from

looking at the situation for what it really is, you can
respond.Simplybypayingattentiontowhatevermusicisplaying
inthebackgroundofadisciplinarymoment,you’llbemuchmore capableof
respondingflexibly insteadof reactingrigidlyorchaotical y, ando
eringyourchildrenwhattheyneedrightthen.Responding
ratherthanreactingisthekey.

ConnectionPrinciple#2:ChasetheWhy

One of the worst by-products of shark music is the parental

tendency to make assumptions about what we perceive to be

obvious.Ifascaryoremotionallychargedsoundtrackisclouding

yourmindwhenyouinteractwithyourchildren,you’renotlikely

to be very objective about the reasons they’re behaving the way

theyare.Instead,you’reprobablygoingtosimplyreactbasedon

informationthatmightnotbeaccurateatall.You’llassumethere’s

asharkswimminginthewateroramonsterhidingbehindthetree,

evenifthere’snotone.

Whenyourkidsareplayinginthenextroomandyouhearyour
younger child begin to cry, it may seem perfectly justi able to
marchintotheroom,lookatyourolderchild,anddemand,“What

did you do this time?!” But when your younger child says, “No,
Dad,Ijustfellandhurtmyknee,”yourealizethatwhatseemed

obvious wasn’t accurate at all, and that shark music has (once again) led you
astray. Because your older child has played too
roughinthepast,youassumedthatwasthecasethistime.

Fewparentalactionswillhinderconnectionfasterthanassuming

the worst and reacting accordingly. So instead of making

assumptions and operating on information that may be faulty, question what

seems obvious. Become a detective. Put on your Sherlock Holmes hat. You
know, Sherlock Holmes: the Arthur
Conan Doyle character who declared, “It is a capital mistake to

theorizebeforeonehasdata.Insensiblyonebeginstotwistfactsto

suittheories,insteadoftheoriestosuitfacts.”

Whendealingwithourchildren,it’sdangeroustotheorizebefore

wehavedata.Instead,weneedtobecurious.Weneedto“chase

thewhy.”

Curiosity is the cornerstone of e ective discipline. Before you

everrespondtoyourchild’sbehavior—especiallywhenyoudon’t

likeit—askyourselfaquestion:“Iwonderwhymychilddidthat.”
Letthisleadyoutootherquestions:“Whatisshewantinghere?Is

sheaskingforsomething?Tryingtodiscoversomething?Whatis

shecommunicating?”

Whenachildactsinawaywedon’tlike,thetemptationwillbe

toask,“Howcouldshe do this?”Instead,chasethewhy.Whenyou walk into the

bathroom and see that your four-year-old has

“decorated”thesinkandmirrorwithwettoiletpaperandalipstick

shefoundinadrawer,becurious.It’s netobefrustrated.Butas
quicklyaspossible,chasethewhy.Letyourcuriosityreplacethe

frustration you feel. Talk to your daughter, and ask her what happened. Most
likely you’ll hear something that’s totally

plausible, at least from her perspective, and probably hilarious.

The bad news is that you’ll still have to clean up the mess

(preferablywiththehelpofyourdaughter).Thegoodnewsisthat
youwillhaveallowedyourcuriositytoleadyoutoamuchmore accurate—and fun,
interesting, and honest—answer about your

child’sbehavior.

Thesamewouldapplywhenyoursecondgrader’steachercalls

to discuss certain “impulse control” problems your son is

displaying. She tells you he’s not respecting authority because he

hasbegunmakingnoisesandinappropriatecommentsduringclass

readingtime.Your rstreactionmightbetoinitiatea“That’snot

thewaywebehave,mister”conversationwithyourson.Butifyou

chase the why and ask him about his motivation, you might

discoverthat“TrumanthinksI’mfunnywhenIdothat,andnowhe

letsmestandbyhiminthelunchline.”You’llstillneedtodosome

redirecting, and work with your son on appropriate ways to

navigate the di cult world of playground politics, but this way

you’llbeabletodosowithmuchmoreaccurateinformationabout

yourson’semotionalneedsandwhat’sactuallydrivinghisactions.

Chasingthewhydoesn’tmeanthatweshouldnecessarilyaskour
children“Whydidyoudothat?”everytimeadisciplinarysituation

arises. In fact, that question may imply immediate judgment or disapproval,

rather than curiosity. Further, sometimes children,
especiallyyoungones,maynotknowwhytheyareupsetorwhy

they did what they did. Their personal insight and awareness of
theirowngoalsandmotivationsmaynotbeveryskilledyet.That’s

whywe’renotadvisingyouto ask thewhy.We’rerecommending thatyou chase

thewhy.That’smoreaboutaskingthewhyquestion
inyourownmind,allowingyourselftobecurious,andwondering

whereyourchildiscomingfrominthismoment.
Sometimesthebehaviorwewanttoaddresswon’tbeasbenign

aslipstickdecorationsandpottyhumor.Sometimesourchildwill

make decisions that lead to broken objects, bruised bodies, and damaged
relationships. In these cases it’s all the more important that we chase the
why. We need tobecuriousaboutwhatdrove
ourchildtothrowthescrewdriverinanger,tostrikeanotherchild,

tospitoutvenomouswords.It’snotenoughsimplytoaddressthe

behavior.Humanbehaviorispurpose-drivenmostofthetime.We

needtoknowwhat’s behind it,what’scausingit.Ifwefocusonly on our child’s

behavior (her external world) and neglect the reasons behind that behavior
(her internal world), then we’ll
concentrateonlyonthesymptoms,notthecausethat’sproducing
them.Andifweconsideronlythesymptoms,we’llhavetokeep
treatingthosesymptomsoverandoveragain.

But if we put on our Sherlock Holmes hat and chase the why,

curiously looking for the root cause behind the behavior, we can more fully
discover what’s really going on with our child. We might nd real reasons for
concern that need to be addressed.

Maybewe’lllearnthatourassumptionswerefalse.Ormaybewe’ll

discover that this “bad behavior” is an adaptive response to something that’s

too challenging for the child. Perhaps, for example, your child is faking an
illness each day before PE class
notbecausehe’slazyorunmotivatedoroppositional,butbecause

that’s his best strategy for dealing with the intense self—

consciousnesshefeelswhendoingsomethingathleticinfrontofhis

peers.

By wondering what our kids are trying to accomplish and by

allowingthemtoexplainasituationbeforewerushtojudgment,

we’re able to gather actual data from their internal world, as

opposedtosimplyreactingbasedonassumptions,faultytheories,

orsharkmusic.Plus,whenwechasethewhyandconnect rst,we

letourchildrenknowthatwe’reontheirside,thatwe’reinterested

in theirinternal experience. We say to them, by the way we

respondtoeachsituation,thatwhenwedon’tknowwhatactually
happened, we’re going to give them the bene t of the doubt.

Again,thatdoesn’tmeanturningablindeyetomisbehavior.Itjust

meansthatwe’relookingtoconnect rst,byaskingquestionsand

by being curious about what’s behind the external behavior and

what’shappeninginsideourchild.

ConnectionPrinciple#3:ThinkAbouttheHow

Listeningforsharkmusicandchasingthewhyarebothprinciples that ask us to

consider our own and our child’s inner landscapes
duringadisciplinemoment.Thethirdconnectionprinciplefocuses

onthewayweactuallyinteractwithourkids.Itchallengesusto

consider the way we talk to our children when they’re having trouble
managing themselves or making good decisions. What we
saytoourkidsisofcourseimportant.Butyouknowthatjustas
important,ifnotmoreimportant,is how wesayit.

Imagine that your threeyear-old isn’t getting into her car seat.

Hereareafewdifferent how sforsayingtheexactsame what:

•Witheyeswide,biggestures,andaloud,angrytoneofvoice:

“Getinyourcarseat!”

• With clenched teeth, squinted eyes, and a seething tone of

voice:“Getinyourcarseat.”

•Witharelaxedfaceandawarmtoneofvoice:“Getinyourcar

seat.”

•Withawackyfacialexpressionandagoofyvoice:“Getinyour

carseat.”
Yougettheidea.The how matters.Atbedtimeyoumightusea

threat:“Getinbednoworyouwon’tgetanystories.”Oryoucould

say, “If you get in bed now, we’ll have time to read. But if you
don’tgetinbedrightaway,we’llrunoutoftimeandhavetoskip

reading.” Themessage is the same, but how it’s communicated is very di

erent. It has an entirely di erent feel. Both how s model ways of talking to
others. Both set a boundary. Both deliver the
samerequest.Buttheyfeelcompletelydifferent.

It’sthe how thatdetermineswhatourchildrenfeelaboutusand themselves, and

what they learn about treating others. Plus, the how goes a long way toward
determining their response in the moment, and how successful we’ll be at
helping produce an e ective outcome that makes everyone happier. Children
usually cooperate much more quickly if they feel connected to us, and
whenweengagetheminapleasantandplayfulexchange.It’sthe

how that determines that. We can be much more e ective disciplinariansifour

how isrespectful,playful,andcalm.

Sothosearethethreeconnectionprinciples.Bycheckingforshark

music, chasing the why, and thinking about the how, we set the
stageforconnection.Asaresult,whenourkidsbehaveinwayswe

don’tlike,wehavetheopportunitytoconnect rst,prioritizingthe

relationship and improving the odds of a successful disciplinary

outcome.Nowlet’slookatsomespecificconnectionstrategies.

TheNo-DramaConnectionCycle

Whatdoesconnectionactuallylooklike?Whatcanwedotohelp

our kids feel felt and know that we’re with them, right in the middle of
whatever they’re going through, as we engage in the disciplineprocess?
Asalways,theanswerwillchangebasedonyourindividualchild

and your personal parenting style, but most often, connection comes down to
a four-part, cyclical process. We call it the No-Dramaconnectioncycle.

It won’t always follow the exact same order, but for the most part,
connecting with our children when they’re upset or

misbehavinginvolvesthesefourstrategies.The rst:communicate

comfort.
ConnectionStrategy#1:CommunicateComfort

Rememberthatsometimesyourkidsneedyourhelpcalmingdown

andmakinggoodchoices.It’swhentheiremotionsgetthebestof

them that we have the most discipline issues. And just as you’d
holdandrockorpatababytocalmhernervoussystem,youwant
to help your children calm down when they need it. Words are useful,
especially when you’re validating feelings. But most nurturing takes place
nonverbally. We can communicate so much withoutevertalking.

The most powerful nonverbal response of all is one that you

probably do automatically: you touch your child. You put your

handonherarm.Youpullherclosetoyou.Yourubherback.You

holdherhand.Alovingtouch—whethersubtle,likethesqueezeof

ahand,ormoredemonstrative,likeafull,warmembrace—hasthe

powertoquicklydefuseaheatedsituation.

The reason is that when we feel someone touch us in a way

that’snurturingandloving,feel-goodhormones(likeoxytocin)are

releasedintoourbrainandbody,andourlevelsofcortisol,astress

hormone, decrease. In other words, givingyourkidslovingphysical a ection

literal y and bene cial y alters their brain chemistry. When your child (or
your partner!) is feeling upset, a loving touch can
calmthingsdownandhelpyoutwoconnect,evenduringmoments

ofhighstress.

Touch is only one way we communicate with our children

nonverbally. We’re actually sending messages all the time, even when we
never utter a word. Think about your typical body

posturewhenyoudisciplineyourkids.Doyouever ndyourself

leaningoveryourchildwithanangrylookonyourface?Maybe

you’resaying,inascarytoneofvoice,“Knockito !”or“Stopthat

this instant!” This approach is essentially the opposite of

connection,andit’snotgoingtobeverye ectiveatcalmingyour

child. Your escalated response will intensify her emotions even further. Even
if your intimidation results in your child appearing
calm,she’llactuallybefeelinganythingotherthancalm.Herheart
willpoundinresponsetothestressbecausesheisafraidenoughto

shutdownheremotionsandhideherfeelingsinanattempttokeep

youfrombecomingmoreangry.

Wouldyouapproachanupsetanimalinasimilarfashion?Ifyou

hadtointeractwithanangry-lookingdog,wouldyouapproachit

withanaggressivebodypostureanddemandthatthedog“knockit

o andcalmdown”?Thatwouldn’tbeverysmart,norwoulditbe e
ective.Thereasonisthatitwouldcommunicatetothedogthat
you’reathreat,andthedogwouldhavenootheroptionthanto

react,eitherbycoweringorby ghting.Soinstead,we’retaughtto

approach a dog by putting out the back of our hand, crouching

downlow,andspeakingwithasoft,reassuringvoice.Indoingso,

our whole body communicates a message: “I’m not a threat.” In response,

the dog can relax, calm down, feel safe, and then

approachandengage.

Thesameprocessoccurswithpeople.Whenwefeelthreatened,

our social engagement circuitry can’t turn on. We have trouble engaging our
upstairs brain, the part that is thoughtful, makes
sounddecisions,andhasthecapacityforempathyandregulating

ouremotionsandbody.Insteadofcalmingdownandmakinggood
decisions,we simply react. This reaction make sense,

evolutionarily speaking. When the brain detects threat, the

downstairs area immediately goes on alert and becomes highly activated.

Functioning in this more primitive mode allows us to keep ourselves safe by
being hypervigilant, by acting quickly without thinking, or by going into ght,
ight, freeze, or faint mode.

It’s the same with our kids. When emotions escalate and we

respondbycommunicatingthreat—throughthefrustratedorangry

lookonourface,ourmadtoneofvoice,ourintimidatingposture

(hands on hips, nger wagging, leaning forward)—their innate

biological response will be to activate their downstairs brain.

However, when their caregivers communicate “I’m not a threat,”

then the reactive, ghting, act-before-thinking downstairs part of

thebrainquiets,andtheycanmoveintoamodeofprocessingthat

allowsthemtohandlethemselveswell.

So,howdowecommunicate“I’mnotathreat”toourkids,even

in the midst of escalating emotions? By connecting. One of the moste

ectiveandpowerfulwaystodothisistoputyourbodyin
aposturethat’stheoppositeofimposingandthreatening.Lotsof people talk about
getting at a child’s eye level, but one of the
quickestwaystocommunicatesafetyandtheabsenceofthreatis to get below the
child’s eye level and put your body into a very
relaxedpositionthatcommunicatescalm.Youseeothermammals
doingthistosendthemessage“Iamnotathreattoyou.Youdon’t

needtofightme.”
Werecommendthatyoutrythis“beloweyelevel”techniquethe

next time your child is upset or out of control emotionally. Put your body in
a chair, on a bed, or on the oor so that you are
belowyourchild’seyelevel.Whetheryouleanbackorcrossyour

legs or open your arms, just make sure that your body

communicates comfort and safety. Your words and your body

languagecombinetoconveyempathyandconnection,tellingyour

child, “I’m right here. I’ll comfort you and help you.” You’ll
comforthernervoussystemandcalmherdown,justasyoudidby

holdingandrockingherwhenshewasababyandneededyou.
We’vebeenthrilledbyhowmanyoftheparentstowhomwe’ve

taught this technique report that this approach is “magic.” They

can’tbelievehowquicklytheirchildrencalmdown.Whatamazes

the parents just as much is that putting their bodies into this relaxed,
nonthreatening posture actually calms down the parents themselves
aswell.Theyreportthatthisapproachworksbetterthan
anythingelsethey’vetriedtokeepthemselvescalm,anditleadsto
thebestoutcomesinhowwell they handlethehigh-stresssituation.

Obviouslyyoucan’tgetdownonthegroundifyou’reinthecaror

walkingacrossthestreet,butyoucanuseyourtoneofvoiceand
posture, as well as your empathic words, to communicate the

absenceofthreat,soyoucanconnectwithyourchildandproduce
acalminbothofyou.

Nonverbalcommunicationissopowerful.Yourchild’swholeday

can turn on something you’re not even cognizant of, something

that’snotevensaid.Somethingassimpleasyoursmilecansoothe

a disappointment and strengthen your bond. You know that

moment:whenyourchilddoessomethingshe’sexcitedabout,like

kickingasoccergoalorrecitingalineinaplay,andshelooksfor

youinthecrowd.Youreyesmeetandyousmile,andsheknows

thatyou’resaying,“IsawthatandIshareyourjoy.”That’swhat

yournonverbalconnectioncando.

Oritcandojusttheopposite.Lookatthepicturesbelow,and

notice what message these parents are sending. Without ever

openingtheirmouths,eachparentissayingplenty.
Thefactisthatwesendallkindsofmessages,whetherweintend

toornot.Andifwe’renotcareful,ournonverbalscanundermine

the connection we’re aiming for in a highemotion disciplinary environment.

Crossing the arms, shaking the head, rubbing the
temples,rollingtheeyes,asarcasticwinkatanotheradultinthe

room—evenifourwordsareexpressinginterestinwhatourchild

issaying,thereareplentyofwaysournonverbalsbetrayus.Andif

ourverbalandnonverbalmessagescontradicteachother,ourchild
will believe the nonverbal. That’s why it’s so important that we pay attention
to what we’re communicating without saying

anythingatall.

Whenwedo,we’llbemorelikelytocommunicatethemessages

we want tocommunicatetoourkids.
We’re not saying there won’t be highemotion disciplinary

momentswhereyougetcompletelyexasperatedwithyourkids.Or

thattheywon’tmisreadsomethingyou’recommunicatingandget

upset.Mistakeswillbemadeonbothsidesoftherelationship,of

course.Likewise,sometimesyoumaydecideit’sappropriatetouse

nonverbal communication to help your kids monitor themselves

andreinintheirimpulseswhennecessary.Butthebottomlineis

that we can be intentional about the verbal and nonverbal messages we’re
sending, especially when we’re trying to connect withourchildreninadi
cultmoment.Simplynodding,andbeing

physicallypresent,communicatescare.

ConnectionStrategy#2:Validate,Validate,Validate

The key to connection when children are reactive or making bad choices is
validation. In addition to communicating comfort, we
needtoletourkidsknowthatwehearthem.Thatweunderstand.

That we get it. Whether or not we like the behavior that results
fromtheirfeelings,wewantthemtofeelacknowledgedandsense

thatwe’rewiththeminthemiddleofallthosebigfeelings.

Put di erently, we want to attune to our children’s inner subjective

experiences, focusing our attention on how they are
experiencingthingsfromtheirpointofview.Justasinaduetboth

instrumentsneedtobetunedtoeachothertomakegoodmusic,

we need to tune our own emotional response to what’s going on with our
kids. We need to see their mind and recognize their internal state, then join
with them in what we see and how we respond. In doing so, we join them in
their emotional space. We deliver the message, “I get you. I see what you’re
feeling, and I acknowledgeit.IfIwereinyourshoes,andatyourage,Imight

feelthesameway.”Whenkidsreceivethistypeofmessagefrom

their parents, they “feel felt.” They feel understood. They feel
loved.Andasahugebonus,theycanthenbegintocalmdownand

make better decisions, and hear the lessons you want to teach them.

Practicallyspeaking,validationmeansresistingthetemptationto

deny or minimize what our kids are going through. When we

validatetheirfeelingsweavoidsayingthingslike,“Whyareyou
throwingafitaboutnothavingaplaydate?YouwereatCarrie’sall

dayyesterday!”Weavoidpronouncing,“Iknowyourbrothertore

your picture, but that’s no reason to hit him! You can just make
anotherone.”Weavoiddeclaring,“Stopworryingaboutit.”

Think about it: how does it make you feel when you’re upset,
andmaybenothandlingyourselfwell,andsomeonetellsyouthat
you’re“justtired,”orthatwhatever’sbotheringyou“isn’tthatbig

adeal”andyoushould“justcalmdown”?Whenwetellourkids

howtofeel—andhownottofeel—we in validatetheirexperiences.

Most of us know better than to directly tell our kids they

shouldn’tbeupset.Butwhenoneofyourchildrenreactsintensely

to something that doesn’t go his way, do you ever immediately

shutdownthatreaction?Wedon’tmeanto,butparentscanoften

send the message that we think the way they feel about and

experience a situation is ridiculous or not worthy of our

acknowledgment.Orweinadvertentlycommunicatethatwedon’t

want to interact with our kids or be with them when they have
negativeemotions.It’slikesaying,“Iwillnotacceptthatyoufeel

howyoufeel.I’mnotinterestedinhowyouexperiencetheworld.”

It’s a way of making a child feel invisible, unseen, and

disconnected.

Instead,wewanttocommunicatethatwe’ll always betherefor

them,evenattheirabsoluteworst.Wearewillingtoseethemfor
whoevertheyare,whatevertheymayfeel.Wewanttojoinwith

them where they are, and acknowledge what they’re going

through.Toayoungchildwemightsay,“Youreallywantedtogo

to Mia’s house today, didn’t you? It’s so disappointing that her mom had to
cancel.” Especially with older children, we might
identifywithwhatthey’regoingthrough,lettingthemknowthat

eventhoughwe’resayingnototheirbehavior,we’resayingyesto

theirfeelings:“Thatmadeyouso mad thatKeithtoreyourpicture, didn’t it? I hate

it when my stu gets messed with, too. I don’t blame you for being furious.”
Remember,the rst response is to connect. Redirection will come, and you’ll
de nitely want to address the behavioral response, but rst we connect, which
communicatescomfortandalmostalwaysinvolvesvalidation.
Usuallyvalidationisprettysimple.Themainthingyouneedto

do is simply identify the feeling at hand: “That really made you sad, didn’t
it?” or “I can see you feel left out,” or even a more
general“You’rehavingahardtime.”Identifyingtheemotionisan

extremelypowerfulresponsewhenachildisupsetbecauseito ers

two huge bene ts. First, helping her feel understood calms her
autonomicnervoussystemandhelpssootheherbigfeelings,soshe

can begin to put the brakes on her desire to react and lash out.

Second,itgivesthechildanemotionalvocabularyandemotional
intelligence, so she herself can recognize and name what she’s feeling,
which helps her understand her emotions and begin to
regaincontrolofherselfsothatredirectioncanoccur.Asweputit in the previous
chapter, connection—in this case, through validation—
helpsmoveachildfromreactivitytoreceptivity.

Afteracknowledgingthefeeling,thesecondpartofvalidationis

identifying with that emotion. For a child or an adult, it’s

extremelypowerfultohearsomeonesay,“Igetyou.Iunderstand.

Iseewhyyoufeelthisway.”Thiskindofempathydisarmsus.It

relaxesourrigidity.Itsoothesourchaos.Evenifanemotionseems

ridiculoustoyou,don’tforgetthatit’sveryrealtoyourchild,so

youdon’twanttodismisssomethingthat’simportanttoher.

Tina recently received an email that reminded her that it’s not
onlyyoungchildrenwhoneedtobevalidatedwhenthey’reupset.

SheheardfromamotherinAustraliawhohadlistenedtoaradio

programwhereTinatalkedaboutthepowerofconnection.Partof

themother’semailwentlikethis:

Right in the middle of listening I received a call from

my nineteen-year-old daughter, who was having a

meltdown. She was in pain from a physical therapy

session,herbankaccountwasinthenegative,shedidn’t

understand a lot of today’s Business Law lecture, she

was stressed about her exam tomorrow, and work

wantedhertocomeintwohoursearly.

My rst reaction was to say, “First-world problems.

Suckitup,princess.”Butafterhearingyourinterview,I

realised that while indeed they were rst-world

problems,theywere her rst-worldproblems.SoIsaid

that I was sorry for her bad day, and did she need a

mummyhug?

Itmadesomuchdi erence.Icouldhearhertakea

breathandrelax.ItoldherIlovedher,thatherdadand

I would fund her textbooks (which was why her bank

account was in the negative), and that after her exam

tomorrowI’dtreathertoherfavouritenoodlesoupat BambooBasket.

Shewasmuchmorerelaxedafterthecall,thanksto

how I responded. So often we react harshly without

realising the impact it may have. Even when our kids

aremostlypastthetantrumstageandwehaveacalm

life with them, there’s so many times throughout the

daytoputtheseideasintopractice.

Notice this mother’s well-executed validation of her daughter’s

experience.Shedidn’tinvalidateherdaughter’sfeelingsbydenying
them,minimizingthem,orblamingher.Instead,sheacknowledged

thebaddayandaskedwhethersheneededahug.Herdaughter’s
response was to take a deep breath and relax—not because her
parentsweregoingtohelpher nancially,butbecauseherfeelings

were acknowledged and identi ed. Because they were validated.

Thentheactualproblemscouldbeaddressed.

So when your child is crying, raging, attacking a sibling,

throwinga tbecausehisstu eddogistoo oppyandwon’tsitup

properly,ordemonstratinginanyotherwaythathe’sincapableof

making good decisions at that moment, validate the emotions

behind the actions. Again, it might rst be necessary to remove

himfromthesituation.Validationdoesn’tmeanallowingsomeone

togethurtorpropertytobedestroyed.You’renotendorsingbad

behavior when you identify with your child’s emotions. You’re

attuningtohim.You’retuningyourinstrumenttohis,sothatyou

two can create something beautiful together. You’re meeting him

whereheis,lookingforthemeaning,theemotionalundercurrent,

behindhisactions.Youacknowledgeandidentifywhathe’sfeeling,

andindoingso,youvalidatehisexperience.

ConnectionStrategy#3:StopTalkingandListen If you’re like most of us,

you talk way too much when you

discipline.Thisresponseisactuallyfunnyifyouthinkaboutit.Our

child has gotten upset and made a bad decision, so we think, “I

know.I’lllecturehim.He’llcalmdownandmakeabetterchoice

nexttimeifImakehimsitstillandlistentomedroneonandon
about what he’s done wrong.” Want to turn your kids o ,

especiallyastheygetolder?Explainsomething,thenkeepmaking

thesamepointoverandover.

What’s more, talking and talking to an emotionally activated child is not the
least bit e ective. When her emotions are

exploding all over the place, one of the least e ective things we
candoistotalkather,tryingtogethertounderstandthelogicof

ourposition.It’sjustnothelpfultosay,“Hedidn’tmeantohityou

whenhethrewtheball;itwasjustanaccident,soyoudon’thave

to get mad.” It doesn’t do any good to explain, “She can’t invite

everyoneinyourwholeschooltoherparty.”

Theproblemwiththislogicalappealisthatitassumesthechild

iscapableofhearingandrespondingtoreasonatthismoment.But

remember,achild’sbrainischanging,developing.Whenshe’shurt,

angry,ordisappointed,thelogicalpartofherupstairsbrainisn’t

fully functioning. That means a linguistic appeal to reason isn’t

usuallygoingtobeyourbestbetforhelpinghergaincontrolover

heremotionsandcalmherself.

Infact,talkingoftencompoundstheproblem.Weknow,because

we hear it from the kids we see in our o ces. Sometimes they want to scream
at their parents, “Please stop talking!” Especially
whenthey’reintroubleandalreadyunderstandwhatthey’vedone

wrong. An upset child is already on sensory overload. And what does talking
to him do? It further oods his senses, leaving him even moredysregulated,
feeling even more overwhelmed, and

muchlessabletolearnorevenhearyou.

Sowerecommendthatparentsfollowthekids’adviceandstop

talking so much. Communicate comfort and validate your child’s feelings

—“It really hurt that you didn’t get invited, didn’t it? I’d feelleftout,too”—
thencloseyourmouthandlisten. Real y listen
towhatshe’ssaying.Don’tinterpretwhatyouheartooliterally.If
shesaysshe’snevergoingtogetinvitedtoanotherparty,thisisn’t

an invitation for you to disagree, or to challenge this absolute statement.

Your job is to hear the feelings within the words.

Recognizethatshe’ssaying,“I’vereallybeenthrownforaloopby

this.Ididn’tgetinvited,andnowI’mafraidaboutwhatthissays

aboutmysocialstandingwithallofmyfriends.”

Clue in and chase the why as to what’s really going on inside your child.
Focus on her emotions, letting go of the shark music
thatpreventsyoufrombeingfullypresentwithherinthemoment.

Nomatterhowstrongyourdesire,avoidthetemptationtoargue

with your child, lecture her, defend yourself, or tell her to stop
feelingthatway.Now’snotthetimetoteachorexplain.Nowis

thetimetolisten,justsittingwithyourchildandgivinghertimeto

expressherself.

ConnectionStrategy#4:ReflectWhatYouHear

With the rst three strategies of the No-Drama connection cycle,

wecommunicatecomfort,wevalidatefeelings,andwelisten.The
fourth step is to re ect back to our children what they’ve said, letting them
know we’ve heard them. Re ecting their feelings returns us to the rst
strategy, since we’re again communicating
comfort,whichcanleadusthroughthecycleoncemore.

Re ecting what we hear is similar to the second step, but it di

ersfromvalidationinthatnowwefocusspeci callyonwhat

ourchildrenhaveactuallytoldus.Thevalidationstageisallabout recognizing
emotions and empathizing with our kids. We say
somethinglike,“Icantellhowmadyouare.”Butwhenwere ect

our children’s feelings, we essentially communicate back to them what they

have toldus. Handled sensitively, this allows a child to
feelheardandunderstood.Aswesaid,it’sextraordinarilycalming, even healing,
to feel understood. When you let your child know
thatyoureallygraspwhathe’stellingyou—bytellingher,“Ihear

whatyou’resaying;youreallyhateditwhenItoldyouwehadto

leavetheparty,”or“Nowonderthatmadeyoumad;I’dfeelangry,

too”—youtakeahugesteptowarddefusingthehighemotionsat

play.

Becareful,though,withhowyoureflectfeelings.Youdon’twant

to take one of your child’s shortterm, temporary emotions and

turnitintosomethingbiggerandmorepermanentthanitreallyis.

Let’s say, for example, your sixyear-old becomes so upset about

herbigbrother’sconstantteasingthatshebeginsyelling,overand

overagain,“You’resostupidandIhateyou!”Rightthereinyour

backyard, with the neighbors hearing it all (thank goodness Mr.

Patel is mowing his lawn!), she repeats the refrain nonstop, seemingly
dozens of times, until she nally falls into your arms, cryinguncontrollably.

Soyouinitiatetheconnectioncycle.Youcommunicatecomfort,

conveyingyourcompassionbygettingbelowhereyelevel,holding

her,rubbingherback,andmakingempathicfacialexpressions.You

validate her experience: “I know, honey, I know. You’re really

upset.”Youlistentoherfeelings,thenyoure ectbacktoherwhat

you’re hearing: “You’re just so angry, aren’t you?” Her response might be a
return to yelling: “Yes, and I hate Jimmy!” (with her
brother’snamedrawnoutintoanotherscream).

Now comes the tricky part. You want to re ect for her what

she’sfeeling,butyoudon’twanttoreinforcethisnarrativeinher

mindthatsheactuallyhatesherbrother.Asituationlikethiscalls for some careful

tiptoeing, so that you can be honest with your
daughterandhelpherbetterunderstandherfeelingsbutkeepher

from solidifying her momentary emotions into longer-lasting

perceptions.Soyoumightsaysomethinglike,“Idon’tblameyou

forbeingsomad.Ihateitwhenpeopleteasemelikethat,too.I

knowyouloveJimmy,andthatyoutwowerehavingsomuchfun

togetherjustafewminutesago,whenyouwereplayingwiththe

wagon.Butyou’reprettymadathimrightnow,aren’tyou?”The

goal with this type of re ecting is tomake sure your child

comprehendsthatyouunderstandherexperience,andindoingso
tosootheherbigemotionsandhelpcalmherinnerchaos,sothat

shecanmovebackintothecenterofherriverofwell-being.But

youdon’twanttoallowafeelingthat’ssimplyamomentary state— her anger with

her brother—to be perceived in her mind as a

permanent trait that’saninherentpartoftheirrelationship.That’s

whyyougiveherperspectiveandremindherofthefunsheand
herbrotherwerehavingwiththewagon.
One other advantage that comes with re ecting our children’s
feelingsisthatitcommunicatesthattheyhavenotonlyourlove,

butourattention.Parentssometimesassumethatit’sbadwhena

childseeksourattention.They’llsay,“He’sjusttryingtogetmy

attention.” The problem with this perspective is that it presumes

it’ssomehownotokayforachildtowanthisparentstonoticehim
and pay attention to what he’s doing. In reality, though, attention-
seekingbehaviorisnotonlycompletelydevelopmental yappropriate,it’s actual y
relational. Attention is a need of al children everywhere. In fact, brain
imaging studies show that the experience of physical
painandtheexperienceofrelationalpain,likerejection,lookvery

similarintermsoflocationofbrainactivity.Sowhenwegiveour

kids attention and focus on what they’re doing and feeling, we

meetanimportantrelationalandemotionalneed,andtheydeeply

feelconnectedandcomforted.Remember,thereareplentyofways

to spoil children—by giving them too many things, by rescuing

themfromeverychallenge,byneverallowingthemtodealwith
defeatanddisappointment—butwecanneverspoilthembygiving

themtoomuchofourloveandattention.

That’swhattheconnectioncycledoes:itletsuscommunicateto

ourkidsthatwelovethem,thatweseethem,andthatwearewith

themnomatterhowtheybehave.Whenweturndowntheshark

music, chase the why, and think about the how, we can

communicatecomfort,validate,listentoandre ectfeelings,and

support our kids in ways that create the kind of connection that
clearlycommunicatesourloveandpreparesthemforredirection.

*Thisvideowasoriginal
yproducedbytheCircleofSecurityInterventionProgram.See
theirgreatworkinthebook TheCircleofSecurityIntervention byBertPowel etal.
(New York:GuilfordPress,2013).

CHAPTER5
1-2-3Discipline:RedirectingforToday,andfor
Tomorrow
Rogerwasworkinginhisgaragewhenhissix-year-old,Katie,

stormed outside, angrily calling out, “Dad! Can you do something about
Allie?” Roger soon learned that Katie was upset because her friend Gina,
who had come over for a playdate, had become completely enamored with
Katie’s nine-year-old sister,
Allie.Forherpart,Alliewasapparentlyhappytomonopolizethe

playdate,leavingheryoungersisterfeelingleftout.

In addressing the situation with his older daughter, Roger saw

variousalternatives.OnewouldbesimplytotellAlliesheneeded

togiveKatieandGinasometimebythemselves,sincethatwasthe

planfortheplaydate,afterall.Therewouldbenothingwrongwith

thisapproach,butbymakingthecallandimposinghisownagenda

on the situation, Roger would bypass the important process that

wouldallowAllietouseherupstairsbrain.

So instead, he went into the house, called his older daughter aside, and
simply initiated a brief conversation. They sat on the couch, and he put his
arm around her. Considering Allie’s

personality and temperament, he decided to begin with a simple question:

ROGER:Gina’shavingfunplayingwithyou,andyou’rereally

goodwithyoungerkids.ButI’mwonderingifyounoticed

thatKatie’snottoohappyaboutGinagivingyouallofher

attention.
ALLIE:[Defensively,sittingupandturningtowardherfather]

Dad,I’mnotevendoinganythingmean.We’rejustlistening

tomusic.

ROGER:Ididn’tsayyou’redoinganythingwrong.I’masking

whetheryou’venoticedhowKatieisfeelingrightnow.

ALLIE:Yeah,butthat’snotmyfault!

ROGER:Sweetheart,Itotallyagreethatit’snotyourfault.Listen

tomyquestion:doyouseethatKatieisn’thappy?I’masking

whetheryou’venoticed.

ALLIE:Iguess.

Inthatoneadmission,weseeevidencethatAllie’supstairsbrain

hadbecomeengagedintheconversation,ifonlyalittle.Shewas

actually beginning to listen and think about what her father was
saying.AtthispointRogercouldtargetwhichpartoftheupstairs

brainhewantedtoappealtoandexercise.NotbytellingAlliewhat

sheshouldthinkorfeel,butbyaskinghertoconsiderthesituation

for herself, and to pay attention to what someone else was

experiencing.

ROGER:Whydoyouthinkshemightbeupset?

ALLIE:IguessbecauseshewantsGinaalltoherself.Butthatgirl

cameintomyroom!Ididn’tevenaskherto.
ROGER:Iknow.AndyoumayberightthatKatiewantsGinaall

toherself.Butdoyouthinkthat’sit,exactly?Ifshewere

standinghereandtoldushowshefelt,whatwouldshesay?

ALLIE:Thatit’sherplaydate,notmine.

ROGER:That’sprobablyprettyclose.Wouldshehaveapoint?

ALLIE:Ijustdon’tseewhywecan’talllistentomusictogether.

Seriously,Dad.

ROGER:Igetit.Imightevenagreewithyou.Butwhatwould

Katiesaytothat?

ALLIE:Thatwhenwe’realltogetherGinajustwantstoplaywith

me?

Andwiththatquestiontheempathybrokethrough.Itwasonly

an emerging awareness; we can’t expect a huge Lifetime movie moment

where a nine-year-old girl is moved to tears out of her
compassionforherlittlesister’semotionalpain.Butitwasastart.

Alliewas,attheveryleast,consciouslybeginningtoconsiderthe

feelingsofhersister(which,ifyouhaveyoungchildren,youknow

is no small parental victory). From there, Roger could direct the

conversationsothatAlliewouldthinkmoreexplicitlyaboutKatie’s

feelings. Then he could ask for Allie’s help in coming up with a plan for
handling the situation—“Maybe we listen to one more
song,thenIgetreadyformyslumberparty?”—andinsodoinghe
would further engage her upstairs brain by having her plan and
problemsolve.

Initiating a redirection conversation like this won’t always be

successful.Therewillbetimeswhenachildwillbeunwilling(or

evenunable)toseeadi erentperspective,tolistenandconsider

thefeelingsofothers.RogermightendupsimplytellingAllieshe

needsto ndsomethingelsetodo,justasLizhadtomakethecall

whenherdaughterwouldn’tgiveinaboutwhowasgoingtodrive

hertoschool.Ormaybehecouldplayagamewithallthreegirls,

makingsureeveryonefeelsincluded.
But notice that when he needed to redirect, Roger didn’t

immediatelyimposehisownsenseofjusticeonthesituation.By

facilitating empathy and problem solving, he gave his daughter a chance to

exercise her upstairs brain. The more we give kids the opportunity to
consider not only their own desires, but also the
desiresofothers,andpracticemakinggoodchoicesthatpositively

impactthepeoplearoundthem,thebetterthey’llbeatdoingso.

Does a conversation like this one between Roger and Allie take
longerthansimplyseparatingthegirls?Ofcourse.Isitharderto
do? Yes, probably. But iscollaborative and respectful redirection worth the e
ort and extra time? No question about it. And as it
becomesyourdefault,itactuallymakesthingseasieronyouand
yourentirefamily,sincetherewillbefewerbattles,andyou’llbe building your
child’s brain in such a way that less and less often
willyouevenhavetoaddressmisbehavior.

1-2-3Discipline

In this chapter we want to take a closer look at the concept of redirection,

which is actually what most people mean when they
thinkofdiscipline.Redirectionishowwerespondwhenourkids

dosomethingwedon’tlike,suchasthrowingsomethinginanger,

or when they’re not doing something we want them to do, like brush their
teeth and get ready for bed. After we’ve connected, how do we address
uncooperative or reactive kids, redirecting them toward using their upstairs
brain so they can make more
appropriatedecisionsthatbecomesecondnatureovertime?

As we’ve said, No-Drama Discipline is about connecting and

beingemotionallyresponsivetoourchildren,whileaimingforthe

shortterm goal of gaining cooperation now, as well as the long-

termgoalofbuildingourchild’sbrain.Asimplewaytothinkabout redirection is to
take a 1-2-3 approach that focuses on one

de nition, two principles, and three desired outcomes. You don’t need to
memorize every detail of the approach (especially since we’ve given you a
handy Refrigerator Sheet at the back of the
book).Justuseitasanorganizingframeworktohelpyoufocuson

what’simportantwhenitcomestimetoredirectyourkids.
OneDefinition
Theplacetobeginwhenthinkingaboutredirectingourkidstoward

better behavior is with the de nition of discipline. When our

childrenmakeunwisedecisionsorcan’tmanagetheiremotions,we
needtorememberthat disciplineisaboutteaching. Ifweforgetthis simple truth,
we’ll go o course. If discipline becomes about
punishment,forexample,wecanmisstheopportunitytoteach.By

focusing on the consequences of misbehavior, we limit the

opportunity for children to experience the physiological and

emotionalworkingsoftheirinnercompass.

One mom told us the story of nding a small box of crayons

whensheandhersix-year-oldwerecleaningherdaughter’sroom.

Theyhadbeenshoppingforschoolsuppliesafewdaysbefore,and

herdaughterhadfalleninlovewiththeseparticularcrayons.The

motherhadnotboughtthecrayons,butherdaughterhadslipped

themintoherpocketanyway.

Themothersaidthatwhenshefoundthecrayonsshedecidedto

askherdaughteraboutthemdirectly.Whenthelittlegirlsawthe

crayons in her mom’s cupped hand and the mother’s look of

confusion,hereyesgotwideandfulloffearandguilt.Inamoment

likethis,theparentalresponseisgoingtolargelydeterminewhata

childtakesawayfromtheexperience.AsweexplainedinChapter
1,iftheparent’sfocusisonconsequencesorpunishment,andshe

immediately yells, spanks, sends the child to her room, or takes

awayanupcomingopportunityshe’sexcitedabout,thenthechild’s

focus will immediately shift. Instead of having her attention on that “uh-oh”
feeling bubbling up inside of her, or instead of thinking about the decision
she made when she took the crayons
fromthestore,allofherattentionwillfocusonhowmeanorscary

herparentisforpunishingherinthisway.Shemayevenfeellike

a victim, who is somehow retroactively justi ed in swiping the crayons.

Instead, this mom o ered a disciplinary approach focused on

teaching rather than immediate consequences. She gave her

daughter time to sit with and be aware of that uncomfortable,

valuable,naturalguiltshewasfeelingasaresultofhavingtaken something that
wasn’t hers. Yes, guilt can even be healthy. It is
evidenceofahealthyconscience!Anditcanshapefuturebehavior.

Whenthemothertalkedtoherdaughter,shekneltdown(getting

below eye level, as we discussed a few pages ago), and an

endearing conversation ensued during which the sixyear-old at

rstdeniedtakingthecrayons,thensaidshedidn’tremember,and

then, with the mom patiently waiting, eventually explained that

hermotherhadnothingtoworryabout,because“Iwaitedtillthe

salesladywiththebighairwasn’tlooking”toputthecrayonsinthe

pocket of her shorts. At this point the mother asked lots of

questionsthatencouragedherdaughtertothinkthroughconcepts
she hadn’t yet considered: “Do you know what taking something
thatdoesn’tbelongtoyouiscalled?”“Isstealingagainstthelaw?”

“Didyouknowthatthewomanwiththebighairinthestorespent

her money to buy those crayons so she could put them in her

store?”

Inresponse,thedaughterdroppedherheadfurther;herbottom

lip started to come forward, and big tears began to fall. She
obviouslyfeltbadaboutwhatshehaddone.Asshequietlycried,

the mom pulled her close, not distracting her or stopping the
processofwhatwasalreadyhappeningnaturally,butjoiningwith

herasshesaid,“You’refeelingbadaboutit.”Thedaughternodded,

andthetearscontinued.Themomcouldcomfortandbewithher

daughter in this beautiful moment where the discipline process continued

naturally without the mom even doing or saying

anything.Themotherheldherandallowedhertocryandtofeel,

andafteracoupleofminutesshehelpedwipeawaythetearsand

encouraged her daughter to take a deep breath. Then they

continuedtheirconversationbrie y,talkingabouthonesty,about

respectingothers’property,andaboutdoingtherightthing,even

whenit’shard.
Byinitiatingthiscollaborative,re ectivedialogueandallowing

discipline to naturally arise simply by orienting her daughter’s

attentiontotheinternalguiltshewasalreadyfeeling,ratherthan

just laying out instant consequences, the mother allowed her daughter to give
her upstairs brain some exercise by considering her actions and how they a
ected others, and by learning some
basiclessonsaboutethicsandmorality.Thentheymadeplansfor

howbesttoreturnthecrayonsto“thesalesladywiththebighair.”
No-Drama Discipline is all about teaching, and that’s what this mother
focused on. She allowed her daughter to thoughtfully

experiencethefeelingsandthoughtsassociatedwithherdecisionto

takethecrayons.Byallowingthechild’sowninternalexperience

to remain at the forefront of her mind—rather than shifting the emotions into
anger over a punishment handed out—she allowed her daughter’s brain not
only to become aware of that inner

discomfort, but also to link it to the experience of making poor

choices,inthiscase,stealing.Again,beingpunitiveordolingout
consequences, especially when we’re angry and reactive, can be
counterproductive because it distracts our children from the physiological
and emotional messages of their own conscience,
whichisapowerfulforceindevelopingself-discipline.

Remember, neurons that wire together re together. And we

wantourkidstoexperiencethenaturallinkagebetweenmakinga

baddecisioninonemoment,thenfeelingguiltyandillateasethe

next.Becausethebrainisdriventoavoidexperiencesthatproduce

negative sensations, the aversive feelings that naturally arise within a child
when she does something that violates her inner conscience can be very
eeting in her conscious mind. But when
wehelpherbecomeawareofthesesensationsandemotions,they

canbecometheimportantbasisforethicsandself-control. Thisself-regulation or
executive function that develops can then engage even
whenherparentisn’tthere,orwhennooneislooking. Thisishowshe internalizes
the lesson on a synaptic level. Our own nervous
systemscanbecomeourverybestguides!

Di erentdisciplinarysituationswillobviouslycallfordi erent

parental responses. This mother responded based on what lesson her

daughter needed in that particular moment. In other

circumstances she might respond di erently. The point is simply

thatoncewe’veconnectedwithourkidsinadisciplinarymoment

andit’stimetoredirect,we’vegottokeepinmindtheimportance

of awareness and helping the brain learn. Re ection with a child

helpshimbecomeawareofwhat’shappeninginternally,andthat

optimizes learning.When we keep in mind the de nition of

discipline,werealizethatsharingawarenesshelpslearningoccur.

Disciplineisallaboutteachingtooptimizelearning.
TwoPrinciples
Wealsowanttofollowtwomainprincipleswhenredirectingour

children,allowingthosetwoprinciplestoguidewhateverwedo.

Theseprinciples,alongwiththespeci cstrategiesthatfollowfrom them,

encourage cooperation from kids and make life easier for adultsandkidsalike.

Principle#1:WaitUntilYourChildIsReady

Remember what we said inChapter 3: connection moves a child from

reactivity to receptivity. So once you’ve connected and
allowedyourchildtocometoaplacewherehe’sreadytolisten

and use his upstairs brain, then it’s time to redirect. Not before.

Oneofthemostself-defeatingparentingrecommendationswehear

from time to time goes something like this: “When a child

misbehaves, it’s important that you address the behavior right away.
Otherwise, they won’t understand why they are being disciplined.”

Weactuallydon’tthinkthisisbadadviceifyouarerunninga

behavioralconditioninglabwithanimals.Formice,orevendogs,

it’sgoodadvice.Forhumanbeings,notsomuch.Thefactisthat

there are times when it does make sense to address misbehavior right away.
However, it’s frequently the case that the absolute worst time to address a
misbehavior is immediately after it’s occurred.

Thereasonissimple.Misbehavioroftenhappensbecauseachild

isn’tabletoregulatehisbigfeelings.Andwhenhisemotionsare
dysregulated,hisupstairsbrainhasgoneo -line.It’stemporarily

out of order, meaning he’s not able to accomplish the tasks his upstairs brain
is responsible for: making good decisions, thinking
aboutothers,consideringconsequences,balancinghisemotionsand

body,andbeingareceptivelearner.Soyes,wedorecommendthat

youaddressabehavioralissuefairlysoonwhenpossible,butonly

whenyourchildisinacalmandreceptivestateofmind—evenif

youneedtowait.Evenchildrenasyoungasthreecanremember
whathappenedinrecenthistory,includingthedaybefore.Youcan begin that
conversation by saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened yesterday at
bedtime. That didn’t go so well, did it?”

Waiting for the right time is essential when it comes to teaching effectively.

So let’s go back to the suggestion we made inChapter4. Once

you’veconnected,andyou’rewonderingwhetherit’stimetomove
intotheredirectionphase,askyourselfonesimplequestion:“Ismy

childready?Readytohear,readytolearn,readytounderstand?”

Iftheanswerisno,thenthere’snoreasontotrytoredirectinthat

moment.Mostlikely,moreconnectioniscalledfor.Or,especially

for older kids, you may just need to give them some time and
spacebeforethey’llbereadytohearyou.

When we talk to educators, we often explain that there’s an

optimalwindow,orsweetspot,forteaching.Ifstudents’nervous

systems are what we call underaroused—because they are sleepy,

bored,orcheckedoutforsomeotherreason—thentheyareinan unreceptive state,
meaning the students won’t be able to learn e ectively. And the opposite is
just as bad. If students’ nervous systems are overaroused—meaning they
feel anxious or
stressedout,ortheirbodiesarehyperactivewithlotsofmotoractivityand
movement—that also produces an unreceptive state when it’s

di cult for them to learn. Instead, we need to create an

environmentthathelpsthemmoveintoastateofmindthat’scalm,

alert, and receptive. That’s the sweet spot where learning really
takesplace.That’sthemomentthey’rereadytolearn.

It’s the same with our kids. When their nervous systems are

under-oroveraroused,theywon’tbenearlyasreceptivetowhat

wewanttoteachthem.Sowhenwediscipline,wewanttowait

untiltheyarecalm,alert,andreceptive.Askyourself:“Ismychild

ready?” Even after you’ve connected and soothed your child’s

negativestate,itstillmightbebesttowaitforatimelaterinthe
dayoreventhenextdayto ndabettermomentfortheexplicit
teachingandredirection.Youcanevensay,“I’dliketowaituntil

we’rereallyabletotalkandlistentoeachother.We’llcomeback

andtalkaboutitinawhile.”

Asasidenote,justasit’simportanttoask,“Ismychildready?”

it’salsoimportanttoaskyourself,“AmIready?”Ifyouareina

reactivestateofmind,it’sbesttowaittohavetheconversation.

You can’t be an e ective teacher if you’re not in a calm and collected state. If
you’re too upset to remain in control, you’re likely to approach the whole
interaction in a way that’s
counterproductive to your goals of teaching and building

connection. In that case, it’s often better to say something like, “I’m too
angry to have a helpful conversation right now, so I’m going to take some
time to calm down, and then we’ll talk in a bit.” Then, once you are both
ready, discipline will be more effectiveandfeelbettertobothofyou.

Principle#2:BeConsistent,butNotRigid

There’snoquestionaboutit:consistencyiscrucialwhenitcomes

toraisinganddiscipliningourchildren.Manyparentsweseeinour

o ces realize that they need to work on being more consistent withtheirkids
—whetherit’swithbedtimes,limitingjunkfoodor

media, or just in general. But there are other parents who place
suchahighpriorityonconsistencythatitbecomesarigiditythat’s

not good for their kids, themselves, or the parent-child

relationship.

Let’s get clear on the di erence between the two terms.

Consistency meansworkingfromareliableandcoherentphilosophy so that our

kids know what we expect of them and what they

should expect from us. Rigidity, on the other hand, means maintaining an
unswerving devotion to rules we’ve set up,
sometimeswithouthavingeventhoughtthemthrough,orwithout

changing them as our kids develop. As parents, we want to be

consistent,butnotrigid.

Kids obviously need consistency. They need to know what our

expectationsare,andhowwewillrespondiftheybreak(oreven
bend)agreed-uponrules.Yourreliabilityteachesthemaboutwhat

toexpect in their world. More than that, it helps them feel safe;
theyknowtheycancountonyoutobeconstantandsteady,even

when their internal or external world is chaotic. This kind of predictable,

sensitive, attuned care is actually what builds secure attachment. It lets us
provide our kids with what’s called “safe
containment,”sincetheyhaveasecurebaseandclearboundaries

tohelpguidethemwhentheiremotionsareexploding.Limitsyou

setareliketheguardrailsontheGoldenGateBridge.Forachild,

livingwithoutclearboundariesisasanxiety-provokingasdriving

overthatbridgewithoutguardrailstostopyoufromplummeting

intoSanFranciscoBay.

But rigidity is not about safety or reliability; it’s about

stubbornness.Itkeepsparentsfromcompromisingwhennecessary,

or looking at context and the intention behind a behavior, or recognizing the

moments when it’s reasonable to make an

exception.

Oneofthemainreasonsparentsbecomerigidwiththeirchildren

isbecausetheyarepracticingaformof fear-basedparenting. They

worrythatiftheyevergiveinandallowasoftdrinkatonemeal,

they’ll create a slippery slope and their kids will be drinking

MountainDewforbreakfast,lunch,anddinnerfortherestoftheir

lives.Sotheysticktotheirgunsanddenythesoftdrink.

Ortheirsix-year-oldhasanightmareandwantstoclimbintobed
with them because he’s scared, but they worry that they’ll be setting a
dangerous precedent. They say, “We don’t want him to
developbadsleephabits.Ifwedon’tnipitinthebudrightnow,
he’llbeabadsleeperhiswholechildhood.”Sotheysticktotheir

gunsanddutifullysendhimbacktohisbed.

Weunderstandthefear.We’vefeltitourselvesinregardtoour

own kids. And we agree that parents should de nitely remain

awareofwhateverpatternstheyaresettingupfortheirchildren.

That’swhyconsistencyissoimportant.

But when fear-based parenting leads us to believe that we can never

makeanexceptionaboutatreat—orthatwecan’tcomfortor nurture our
frightened child in the middle of the night without damning him to a life of
sleeplessness—then we’ve moved into rigidity. That’s parenting based on
fear, not on what our child needs in that particular moment. That’s parenting
with a goal of reducing ourownanxietyandfears,ratherthanwhatwillbestteach
ourchild’semergingmindandmoldthedevelopingbrain.

So how do we maintain consistency without crossing over to

fear-based rigidity? Well, let’s start by acknowledging that there

aresomenon-negotiables.Forinstance,undernocircumstancescan

youletyourtoddlerrunthroughabusyparkinglot,oryourschool—

agechildswimwithoutsupervision,oryourteenagergetintoacar

with a driver who’s been drinking. Physical safety is non-negotiable.

However,thatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tevermakeexceptions,or

even turn a blind eye from time to time when your child

misbehaves.Forinstance,ifyouhavearuleaboutnotechnologyat
the dinner table, but your four-year-old has just received a new
electronicpuzzlegamethathe’llplaywithquietlywhileyouhave

dinnerwithanothercouple,thatmightbeagoodtimetomakean

exceptiontoyourrule.Orifyourdaughterhaspromisedthatshe’ll

nish her homeworkbeforedinnerbuthergrandparentsshowup

totakeheronanouting,youmightnegotiateanewdealwithher.
Thegoal,inotherwords,istomaintaina consistent but exible

approachwithyourkids,sothattheyknowwhattoexpectfrom

you, but they also know that at times you will thoughtfully

consider all the factors involved. It goes back to what we talked about in the
previous chapter: response exibility. We want to intentionally respond to a
situation in a way that considers what works best for our child and for our
family, even if that means
makinganexceptiontoournormalrulesandexpectations.

Thequestionwhenitcomestoconsistentversusrigiddiscipline
is what we’re hoping to accomplish. Again, what do we want to teach?
Under normal circumstances we want to consistently

maintain our rules and expectations. But we want to avoid being

rigid,ignoringcontextandthusmissingoutonthechancetoteach
thelessonswewanttoteach.Sometimeswhenwediscipline,we

need to look forother ways to accomplish our goals, so we can

moreeffectivelyteachwhatwewantourkidstolearn.

At times, for example, you might try a “do-over.” Instead of immediately o

ering a punishment for speaking disrespectfully, you can say something like,
“I bet if you tried again, you could
comeupwithamorerespectfulwaytosaythat.”Do-oversallowa

child a second chance to handle a situation well. It gives them

practicedoingtherightthing.You’restillconsistentlymaintaining
yourexpectations,butyou’redoingsoinawaythat’softenmuch

morebeneficialthanarigidlyimposed,unrelatedconsequence.

Afterall,skilldevelopmentisahugepartofwhatdisciplineisall

about. And that requires repeated guidance and coaching. If you

werecoachingyourchild’ssoccerteamandshewashavingtrouble

kicking the ball straight, you wouldn’t give her consequences for
everytimesheshankedit.Instead,you’dgivehermorepractice,so

thatshegetsbetterandbetteratkickingitwhereshewantsitto

go.You’dwanthertohaveaclear,familiarfeelingofwhatit’slike

tohittheballsquareandwatchitsailintothegoal.Inthesame

way, when our kids behave in ways that don’t meet the

expectationswe’vesetup,sometimesthebestthingwecandoisto
have them practice behaving in ways that do meet our

expectations.

Another way to encourage skill building is to have your child come up with
a creative response. As much as we wish it did,
saying“I’msorry”doesn’tactually xthebrokenfairywandthat

wasthrowninanger.Anapologynoteandusingallowancemoney

to buy a new wand might teach more and help develop skills

relatedtodecisionmakingandempathy.

Thepointisthatinyoure ortstobuildskills,youcanstillbe
consistentwhileremaining exibleandopentootheralternatives.

Askidslearnaboutrightandwrong,theyalsoneedtolearnthat

lifeisnotjustaboutexternalrewardandpunishment.Flexibility,

problemsolving,consideringcontext,and xingourmistakesare

also important. Most important is for children to understand the lesson at

hand with as much personal insight as they are

developmentally capableof, and to empathize with anybody

they’vehurt,then gureouthowtorespondtothesituationand

preventitinthefuture.
Inotherwords,there’salotaboutmoralitythatwewanttoteachour kids in addition
to knowing right from wrong. We don’t want to be theirtra
ccop,followingthemaroundtellingthemwhentostop
andwhentogo,andgivingthemticketswhentheybreakthelaw.

Wouldn’titbemuchbettertoteachthemhowtodriveresponsibly,

andgivethemtheskills,tools,andpracticetomakegooddecisions

on their own? To do this successfully, sometimes we need to be open to

seeing the gray areas, not just the black and white. We need to make
decisions based not on an arbitrary rule we’ve

previouslysetdown,butonwhat’sbestforourkidsandourfamily
rightnow,inthisparticularsituation.Consistent,yes,butnotrigid.

ThreeMindsightOutcomes

So 1-2-3 discipline focuses on one de nition (teaching) and two

principles(waituntilyourchildisready,andbeconsistentbutnot rigid). Now let’s
look at the three outcomes we’re looking to achievewhenweredirect.

If you’ve read The WholeBrain Child, you’re already familiar with the term
“mindsight,” which Dan coined and discusses at length in his books
Mindsight and Brainstorm. Explained most
simply,mindsightistheabilitytoseeourownmind,aswellasthe
mindofanother.Itallowsustodevelopmeaningfulrelationships

while also maintaining a healthy and independent sense of self.

When we ask our children to consider their own feelings (using personal
insight) while also imagining how someone else might experience a
particular situation (using empathy), we are helping themdevelopmindsight.

Mindsight also involves the process of integration, which we discussed

earlier. You’ll remember that integration occurs when
separatethingsbecomelinked—liketherightandleftsidesofthe

brain,ortwopeopleinarelationship.Whenintegrationdoesnot

occur,chaosorrigidityresults.Sowhenarelationshipexperiences

aninevitableruptureinhowwehonoreachother’sdi erences,or

whenwedon’tlinkcompassionatelytoeachother,that’sabreakin

integration.Oneexampleofcreatingintegrationiswhenwe repair
sucharupture.Ifyou ndthatchaosorrigidityispoppingupin

your connection with your kids, repair is in order. We can take steps to repair
the situation and make things right when we’ve
madeabaddecisionorhurtsomeonewithourwordsoractions.
Let’s discuss each of these outcomes (insight, empathy, and

integration/repair)individually.

Outcome#1:Insight

One of the best outcomes of redirection as part of a No-Drama

Disciplinestrategyisthatithelpsdeveloppersonalinsightinour

children. The reason is that instead of simply commanding and demanding

that our kids meet our expectations, we ask them to notice and re ect on their
own feelings and their responses to di cult situations. This can be di cult, as
you know, since a child’supstairsbrainisnotonlythelasttodevelop,butitisoften
o -line in disciplinary moments. But with practice and insight-building
conversations—like the ones we’ve been discussing and will explain at
greater lengthin the next chapter—children can
becomemoreawareandunderstandthemselvesmorefully.They

can develop personal mindsight that allows them to better

understandwhatthey’refeeling,andhavemorecontroloverhow

theyrespondindifficultsituations.

For young children we might facilitate this process simply by

namingtheemotionsweobserve:“Whenshetookawaythedoll,it

lookedlikeyoufeltreallymad.Isthatright?”Forolderkids,open—

endedquestionsarebetter,evenifwehaveto“leadthewitness”

toward self-understanding: “I was watching you just before you

blewupatyourbrother,anditlookedlikeyouweregettingmore

and more annoyed that he was badgering you. Is that what you were
feeling?” The hope is that his response is something like,
“Yeah!Anditmakesmesomadwhenhe…”Everytimeachild

getsspeci canddiscusseshisownemotionalexperience,hegains

moreinsightintohimselfanddeepenshisownself-understanding.

That’sare ectiveconversationthatcultivatesmindsight.Andsuch

afocusonhisinsightcanhelphimmovetowardtheseconddesired

outcomeofredirection.

Outcome#2:Empathy

Alongwithdevelopinginsightintothemselves,wewantourkidsto
develop the other aspect of mindsight, empathy. The science of
neuroplasticityteachesusthatrepeatedpracticeofthisre ection, asinourre
ectivedialogueswithothers,activatesourmindsight

circuitry.Andwithrepeatedfocusofattentiononourinnermental

life, it also changes the wiring in the brain and builds and
strengthenstheempathic,other-centeredpartoftheupstairsbrain

—what scientists call the social engagement circuitry of the

prefrontalcortex.Thisisthepartofthebrainthatmakesmindsight

mapsnotonlyofourselvesforinsightandofothersforempathy,

but also of “we” for morality and mutual understanding. That’s what
mindsight circuits create. So we want to give kids lots of practicere
ectingonhowtheiractionsimpactothers,seeingthings
fromanother’spointofview,anddevelopingawarenessofothers’

feelings.

Simply asking questions and helping our children make

observationslikethesewillbemuchmoree ectivethanpreaching

sermons, delivering lectures, or giving consequences. The human brain is

capable of extending itself in a way that allows us to comprehend the
experiences of the people around us and even

senseourconnectionsaspartofa“we”thatdevelopswiththem.

That’s how we experience not only empathy, but the important sense of our
interconnectedness, the integrated state that is the
basisofmoralimagination,thinking,andaction.
So the more we give our kids practice at considering how

someone else feels or experiences a situation, the more empathic and caring
they will become. And as these circuits of insight and empathy develop, they
naturally set the foundation for morality, ourinnersenseofbeingnotonlydi
erentiated,butlinkedintoa

largerwhole.That’sintegration.

Outcome#3:IntegrationandtheRepairofRuptures

After helping our kids to consider their own feelings and then re
ectonhowtheiractionsimpactedothers,wewanttoaskthem

whattheycandotocreateintegrationastheyrepairthesituation

and make things right. Which part of the brain do we appeal to now?
Youguessedit:theupstairsbrain,withitsresponsibilityfor
empathy,morality,consideringtheconsequencesofourdecisions,

andcontrollingemotions.

Weappealtotheupstairsbrainbyaskingquestions,inthiscase

about repairing a situation. “What can you do to make it right?

Whatpositivestepcanyoutaketohelp xthis?Whatdoyouthink

needs to happen now?” Repair builds on insight and empathy to then move
to the mindsight map of “we” as a connection is

reestablished with the other person. Once we’ve led our children
towardempathyandinsight,wewanttoaimfortheoutcomeof

takingactiontoaddressnotonlythesituationtheirbehaviorhas

impacted, but also the other person and, ultimately, the

relationshipitself.
Taking action after hurting someone or making a bad decision isn’t easy for
any of us, including our kids. Especially when
childrenarelittle,oriftheyhaveaparticularlyshytemperament,

parents may need to support them and help them with their

apology.Sometimesit’s nefortheparenttoactuallydeliverthe

apology for the child. You two can agree on the message
beforehand.Afterall,notmuchgoodcomesfromforcingachildto

o er an inauthentic apology when he’s not yet ready, or forcing him to

apologize when doing so is going to ood his nervous

systemwithanxiety.Itcomesbacktoaskingwhetheryourchildis

ready. Sometimes we have to wait for a child to be in the right frameofmind.

It’snevereasytogobackandtrytomakeupforamistake.But

No-DramaDisciplineallowsustohelpkidslearntodoso.Itaims

atachievingthesethreeoutcomes:focusingongivingourchildren

practice at better understanding themselves with insight, seeing things from

the perspective of others with empathy, then taking steps to improve a
particular situation where they’ve done

something wrong. When children deepen their ability to know

themselves,considerthefeelingsofothers,andtakeactiontoward
repairingasituation,theybuildandstrengthenconnectionswithin

thefrontallobe,whichallowsthemtobetterknowthemselvesand

get along with others as they move into adolescence and

adulthood. Basically, you are teaching your child’s brain how to

makemindsightmapsof“me,”“you,”and“we.”
1-2-3DisciplineinAction

Life gives us opportunity after opportunity to build the brain.

That’s what we saw when Roger talked to his daughter about

monopolizinghersister’splaydate.Hecould’veeasilycalledoutto

hisdaughtersomethinglike,“Allie,whydon’tyougiveKatieand

Gina some time to themselves?” In doing so, though, he would

havemissedanopportunitytoteachAllieandhelpbuildherbrain.

His response, instead, o ered a 1-2-3 approach. By initiating a conversation

with his daughter (“Do you see that Katie isn’t
happy?”)ratherthanlayingdownthelaw,hefocusedontheone

de nitionofdiscipline:teaching.Healsoworkedfromthetwokey

principles. First, he made sure his daughter was ready by making

herfeellistenedtowithoutjudgment(“Itotallyagreethatit’snot your fault”). And
second, he avoided being overly rigid and even asked Allie for help in
coming up with a good response to the situation. And he achieved the three
outcomes, helping his

daughter think about her own actions (“Why do you think she

mightbeupset?”),hersister’sfeelings(“Ifshewerestandinghere

and told us how she felt, what would she say?”), and what

responseshecouldtaketobestrespondasanintegrativerepairto

thesituation(“Let’scomeupwithaplan”).

Theapproachworkswitholderchildrenaswell.Let’slookatan

exampleofhowonecoupleapplieditwiththeirmiddleschooler.

Ateverymajorgift-givingoccasionoverthepastyear,Nilahad
consistentlywrittenthephrase“cellphone”atthetopofherwish

list.Sherepeatedlytoldherparents,SteveandBela,that“all”the

other kids had phones. Her mom and dad held out longer than

manyoftheirfriends,butwhensheturnedtwelve,theyrelented.

Afterall,Nilawasreasonablyresponsible,shewasspendingmore

time independently from her parents, and a phone would make

thingsmoreconvenientforeveryone.Theytookallthemeasures

they knew were important—disabling the phone’s Internet

capabilities, downloading apps that would lter out dangerous

content,talkingwithheraboutissueslikeprivacyandsecurity—
thenmovedontothisnextphaseintheirparentinglives.

Duringthefirstfewmonths,Nilamadeherparents’decisionlook

good.Shekepttrackofthephoneanduseditappropriately,and

they learned that they hadn’t overestimated the convenience

factor.

ButonenightBelaheardNilacoughinganhourafterlights-out,

sosheopenedthedoortoherroomtocheckonher.Theblueglow

hovering over Nila’s bed instantly disappeared, but it was

obviouslytoolate.Shewasbusted.

Bela ipped on the overhead light, and before she could say

anything,Nilahurriedtoexplain:“Mom,Iwasworriedaboutthe
test and couldn’t sleep, so I was just trying to get my mind on
somethingelse.”

Belaknewbetterthantooverreact,especiallywhenherprimary

goalinthatmomentwastogetherdaughterbacktosleep,soshe

rst connected: “I can understand needing to get your mind on

somethingelse.IhateitwhenIcan’tsleep.”Thenshesimplysaid,

“Butlet’stalkaboutittomorrow.Handmethephone,andIwant

youtogorighttosleep.”

When Bela told Steve, she learned that he had had a similar

interactionwithNilajustthepreviousweekwhenBelawasgone, and he’d

forgotten to mention it. So now they had two cases of
theirdaughterblatantlydisregardingrulesaboutcellphoneusage

andsleep.

Taking a 1-2-3 approach, Steve and Bela focused on the one

de nitionofdiscipline.Whatlessondidtheywanttoteachhere?

They wanted to emphasize the importance of honesty,

responsibility, trust, and following the rules the family members have all
agreed to. As they considered how to respond to Nila’s infractions, they kept
this de nition front and center in their minds.

Thentheyfocusedonthetwoprinciples.Belademonstratedthe

rstone—makingsureherdaughterwasready—whenshesimply

tookNila’sphoneandaskedhertogotosleep.Lateatnight,when

everyone is tired and a child is up later than she should be, is rarely the best
time to teach a lesson. Lecturing Nila right then would have likely turned
into all kinds of drama, leaving both
motheranddaughterfrustratedandangry.Notexactlyarecipefor

going right to sleep, or teaching a lesson, either. The better

strategywastowaitforthenextday,whenBelaandStevecould

ndtherightmomenttoaddresstheissue.Notduringthemorning

rush to eat breakfast and make lunches, but after dinner when everyone
could discuss the issue calmly and from a fresh

perspective.

Asfortheirspeci cresponse,thisiswherethesecondprinciple

came in: be consistent, but not rigid. Consistency is of course crucial. Steve
and Bela had taken a clear stance about the

importance of Nilabeing honest and responsible with her phone,

andatleastinthisinstance,shehadn’tliveduptotheiragreement.

Sotheyneededtoaddressthatlapsewithaconsistentresponse.

Butindoingso,theydidn’twanttomakearigid,snapdecision

thatovershotthemark.Their rstreactionwastotakethephone

awayaltogether.Butoncetheytalked,andcalmerheadsprevailed, they
recognized that in this case, that response would be too drastic. Outside of
this one problem, Nila had acted responsibly with her phone. So rather than
taking it away, they decided to discuss the issue with Nila, asking for her
help coming up with
policiestoaddressthesituation.Infact,shewastheonewhocame

up with a x that was easy for everyone: she would leave her

phoneoutsideherroomwhenshegoestobed.Thenshewouldn’t

be tempted to check it every time it lit up—and Mom and Dad

couldbeassuredthatNilawasrechargingwhileherphonewasas

well.

This response made sense given Nila’s general good decision

making. They all agreed that if more problems arose, or if she demonstrated
more extreme misuse of the phone, Steve and Bela
wouldholdontothephoneexceptforcertainprescribedtimesof

theday.

With this response, which respected Nila enough to work with

herandcollaboratewhilestillenforcingboundaries,SteveandBela

presentedaconsistent,unitedfrontthatadheredtotheirrulesand

expectations,withoutbecomingrigidanddisciplininginwaysthat

wouldn’tbene ttheirdaughter,thesituation,ortheirrelationship withher.

As a result, they gave themselves a much better chance at

achieving their three desired outcomes: insight, empathy, and

integratedrepair.Theyhelpedencourageinsightintheirdaughter

by the collaborative approach they took in asking questions and

engagingindialogue.ThequestionsfocusedonhelpingNilapause

and think about her decision to power up her phone when she

wasn’t supposed to: “How do you feel inside when you’re doing
somethingyouknowyoushouldn’t?Orwhenwewalkinandsee

youonyourphone?Whatdoyouthinkwefeelaboutit?”Other

questionsledtoinsightintobetteroptionsinthefuture:“Thenext
timeyou’rehavingtroublesleeping,whatcouldyoudoinsteadofbeing on your
phone?” With questions like these, Nila’s parents helped
increaseherpersonalinsightandbuildherupstairsbrain,allowing
hertodevelopaninternalcompassandbecomemoreinsightfulin

thefuture.Plus,byapproachingtheissueinawaythatrespected

herandherdesires,theyincreasedthechancesthatNilawillcome

andtalkwiththemaboutevenbiggerissueslater,assheentersher

teenyears.

Theempathyoutcomeinthissituationisdi erentfromcertain

other discipline moments. Often when we encourage empathy in our

children when they’ve made a bad decision, we try to lead them to think
about the feelings of someone else who was hurt
becauseoftheirbehavior.Inthiscase,noonewasreallyharmed

except for Nila herself, who lost some sleep. But Steve and Bela tried to lead
her to understand that their trust in her had been
dented,atleastabit.Theyknewbetterthantooverdramatizethe

issue,orstooptousingguilttripsorself-pity,andtheyexplicitly

communicated to her that they weren’t going to resort to these

tactics.Buttheytalkedwithherabouthowmuchtheirrelationship

with her means, and explained that it doesn’t feel good when
brokentrustharmsthatrelationshipinanyway.

This part of the discussion about the relationship is a focus on integration,

the connection of di erent parts. Integration is what makes the whole greater
than the sum of its parts, and it’s what
createsloveinarelationship.Focusingoninsightandempathyand

then on their relationship thus led naturally to the third desired integrative
outcome, repair. Once a breach in a relationship has
beencreated,nomatterhowsmall,wewanttorepairitassoonas
possible. Nila’s parents needed to give her that chance. In their
discussionaboutwhatpoliciestoputinplaceaboutlate-nightcell

phone use, they asked questions that helped her think about the relationale
ectsofnotfollowingthroughoncommitments.Again,

they avoided manipulating her emotionally by making her feel guilty, and
instead asked good-faith questions like “What’s something you could do to
help us feel good about the trust we have in you?” They had to “lead the
witness” a bit, helping Nila think about trust-building actions she could take
—like using her phonetojustcallandcheckinwithherparentsfromtimetotime,

orleavingitoutsideherroomatnightwithouthavingtobeasked.

In doing so she thought about ways she could be intentional in

rebuildingherparents’trustinher.

NoticethatthisissuewithNilafallsintothecategoryoftypical

behaviorsthatparentshavetodealwithonadailybasis.Attimes,

therearebehavioralchallengeswhereitcanbehelpfultoinvolve

professionals.Moreextremebehaviorsthataredi culttohandle

and that last for longer periods of time can sometimes be a sign that
something else is going on. If your child frequently

experiencesintenseemotionalreactivitythatdoesnotrespondto

repair e orts, it can be helpful to talk with a pediatric

psychotherapist or child development specialist who can

supportivelyexplorethesituationwithyoutoseewhetheryouand

yourchildcouldbene tfromsomeintervention.Inourexperience,

children who display frequent and intense reactivity may be

struggling with more innate challenges related to sensory

integration, attention and/or impulsivity, or mood disorders.

Additionally,ahistoryoftrauma,areallydi cultexperiencefrom

the past, or relational mismatches between parent and child can play a role in
behavioral struggles, as they reveal an underlying challenge with self-
regulation that may at times be a source of repeated ruptures in a
relationship. We would encourage you to seek the help of someone who can
help you walk through these
questionsandguideyouandyourchildonthepathtowardoptimal

development.

In most discipline situations with your child, though, simply takingaWhole-

Brainapproachwillleadtomorecooperationfrom your child and more peace
and serenity in your household. 1-2-3

disciplineisn’taformulaorasetofrulestobestrictlyfollowed.

You don’t have to memorize it and in exibly follow it. We’re

simplygivingyouguidelinestokeepinmindwhenitcomestime

for redirection. Byreminding yourself about the de nition and

purposeofdiscipline,theprinciplesthatshouldguideit,andyour

desired outcomes, you’ll give yourself a much better chance of disciplining

your kids, of teaching them, in a way that leads to more cooperation from
them and better relationships among all membersofthefamily.

CHAPTER6

AddressingBehavior:AsSimpleasR-E-D-I-R-E-

C-T

Anna’seleven-year-old,Paolo,calledherfromschoolandasked whether he
could go home with his friend Harrison that
afternoon. The plan, Paolo explained, was to walk to Harrison’s,
wheretheboyswoulddohomework,thenplayuntildinner.When

Anna asked whether Harrison’s parents were aware of the plan,

Paoloassuredhertheywere,soAnnatoldhimshe’dpickhimup

beforedinner.

However, when Anna texted Harrison’s mother later that

afternoon,tellinghershe’dbepickingupPaoloinafewminutes,

Harrison’s mother revealed that she was at work. Anna then

learned that Harrison’s father hadn’t been home, either, and that
neitherofthemknewoftheboys’planforPaolotocomeover.

Anna was mad. She knew there might have been some sort of

miscommunication,butitreallylookedtoherlikePaolohadbeen

dishonest.Atbesthehadmisunderstoodtheplan,inwhichcasehe

shouldhaveletherknowwhenherealizedthatHarrison’sparents

wouldn’t be home and hadn’t been contacted. At worst he had

outrightliedtoher.

Once she and Paolo were in the car on the way home from

Harrison’s,shefeltlikelaunchingintohim,levelingconsequences

andangrilylecturinghimabouttrustandresponsibility.

Butthat’snotwhatshedid.

Instead, she took a WholeBrain approach. Since her son was

olderandhewasn’tinareactivestateofmind,the“connect”part
of her approach simply entailed hugging him and asking whether he’d had a
good time. Then she showed him the respect of
communicatingwithhimdirectly.Shetoldhimabouthertextwith

Harrison’s mother, then said simply, “I’m glad you and Harrison have so
much fun together. But I have a question. I know you
knowhowimportanttrustisinourfamily,soI’mwonderingwhat

happened here.” She spoke in a calm tone, one that didn’t

communicate harshness and instead expressed her lack of

understandingandhercuriosityaboutthesituation.

Thiscuriosity-basedapproach,whereshebeganbygivingherson

thebene tofthedoubt,helpedAnnadecreasethedramafromthe

discipline situation. Even though she was angry, she avoided

immediatelyjumpingtotheconclusionthattheboyshadpurposely

deceivedtheirparents.Asaresult,Paolocouldhearhismother’s

question without feeling directly accused. Plus, her curiosity put the
responsibility of accounting for himself squarely on Paolo’s
ownshoulders,sohehadtothinkabouthisdecisionmaking,which

gave his upstairs brain a little bit of exercise. Anna’s approach

showedPaolothatsheworkedfromtheassumptionthathewould

makegooddecisionsmostofthetime,andthatshewasconfused

andsurprisedwhenitappearedthathehadn’t.

In this case, by the way, he hadn’t made good decisions. He

explainedtohismotherthatHarrisonhadthoughthisfatherwould
be home, but when the boys arrived, Harrison’s father wasn’t there. He
acknowledged that he should have let her know right away, but he just
hadn’t. “I know, Mom. I should’ve told you nobodyelsewashome.Sorry.”

Then Anna could respond and move from connection to

redirection,sayingsomethinglike,“Yes,I’mgladyou’reclearthat

you should have told me. Tell me more about why that didn’t

happen.” But sheknew she wanted her redirection to be about

morethanjustaddressingthisonebehavior.Sherightlyrecognized

this moment as another opportunity to build important personal

andrelationalskillsinherson,andtohelphimunderstandthathis
actionshadmadealittledentinhertrustanddeviatedfromtheir

familyagreementtoalwayscheckinifplanschange.That’swhy,

beforesheturnedtoredirection,shecheckedherself.

BeforeYouRedirect:KeepCalmandConnect

HaveyouseenthatBritishposterfromWorldWarIIthat’sbecome

sopopular?Theonethatsays,“KeepCalmandCarryOn”?That’s

not a bad mantra to have at the ready when your child goes

ballistic—or before you do. Anna recognized the importance of keeping

calm when she addressed her problem with Paolo’s behavior. Blowing up
and yelling at her son wouldn’t have done anyone any good. In fact, it would
have alienated Paolo and

become a distraction from what was important here: using this

disciplinarymomenttoaddresshisbehavior,andtoteach.

We’ll discuss many redirection strategies below, looking at

di erent ways to redirect children when they’ve made bad

decisionsorcompletelylostcontrolofthemselves.Butbeforeyou

decideonwhichredirectionstrategiestouseasyouredirectyour

kids toward using their upstairs brains, you should rst do one thing: check
yourself.Remember,justasit’simportanttoask,“Is
mychildready?”it’salsoessentialthatyouask,“AmIready?”

Imagine that you walk into your recently cleaned kitchen and nd your four-
year-old perched on the counter, an empty egg

cartonandadozenbrokenshellsbyherside,stirringasandbucket

fullofeggs.Withhersandshovel!Oryourtwelve-year-oldinforms

you,at6:00p.m.onSunday,thathis3-Dmodelofacellisduethe

followingmorning.Thisdespitethefactthatheassuredyouthat

all his homework was done, then spent the afternoon playing

basketballandvideogameswithafriend.

In the middle of frustrating moments like these, the best thing you can do is
to pause. Otherwise your reactive state of mind
mightleadyoutobeginyelling,oratleastlecturingaboutthefact

thatafour-year-old(ortwelve-year-old)oughttoknowbetter.

Instead, pause. Just pause. Allow yourself to take a breath.

Avoidreacting,issuingconsequences,orevenlecturingintheheat

ofthemoment.

We know it’s not easy, but remember: when your kids have
messed up in some way, you want to redirect them back toward their upstairs
brain. So it’s important to be in yours, too. When your threeyear-old is
throwing a tantrum, remember that she’s only a small child with a limited
capacity to control her own
emotionsandbody.Yourjobistobetheadultintherelationship

andcarryonastheparent,asasafe,calmhavenintheemotional

storm. How you respond to your child’s behavior wil greatly impact
howthewholesceneunfolds. Sobeforeyouredirect,checkyourself
anddoyourbesttokeepcalm.That’sapausethatcomesfromthe upstairs brain but
also reinforces the strength of your upstairs brain. Plus, when you show
abilities like this to your children,
they’remorelikelytolearnsuchskillsthemselves.

Stayingclearandcalmduringapauseisyourfirststep.

Then remember to connect. It really is possible to be calm,

loving, and nurturing while disciplining your child. And it’s so effective.
Don’t underestimate how powerful a kind tone of voice can be as you
initiate a conversation about the behavior you’re wanting to change.
Remember that, ultimately, you’re trying to remain
rmandconsistentinyourdisciplinewhilestillinteracting

withyourchildinawaythatcommunicateswarmth,love,respect,

and compassion. These two aspects of parenting can and should

coexist.ThatwasthebalanceAnnatriedtostrikeasshespokewith

Paolo.
As you’ve heard us a rm throughout the book, kids need

boundaries, even when they’re upset. But we can hold the line
whileprovidinglotsofempathyandvalidationofthedesiresand

feelingsbehindourchild’sbehavior.Youmightsay,“Iknowyou
reallywantanothericepop,butI’mnotgoingtochangemymind.

It’sOKtocryandbesadanddisappointed,though.AndI’llberight

heretocomfortyouwhileyou’resad.”

And remember not to dismiss a child’s feelings. Instead,

acknowledge the internal, subjective experience. When a child reacts

strongly to a situation, especially when the reaction seems
unwarrantedandevenridiculous,thetemptationfortheparentis

tosaysomethinglike“You’rejusttired”or“It’snotthatbigofa deal” or “Why are

you so upset about this?” But statements like
theseminimizethechild’sexperience—herthoughts,feelings,and

desires. It’s much more emotionally responsive and e ective to listen,

empathize, and really understand your child’s experience
beforeyourespond.Yourchild’sdesiremightseemabsurdtoyou,

butdon’tforgetthatit’sveryrealtohim,andyoudon’twantto

disregardsomethingthat’simportanttohim.

Sowhenit’stimetodiscipline,keepcalmandconnect.Thenyou

canturntoyourredirectionstrategies.

StrategiestoHelpYouR-E-D-I-R-E-C-T

For the remainder of this chapter we’ll focus on what you may have been
waiting for: speci c, No-Drama redirection strategies
youcantakeonceyou’veconnectedwithyourchildrenandwant

toredirectthembacktotheirupstairsbrain.Tohelporganizethe

strategies,we’velistedthemasanacronym:

Reducewords
Embraceemotions

Describe,don’tpreach

Involveyourchildinthediscipline

Reframeanointoaconditionalyes

Emphasizethepositive

Creativelyapproachthesituation

Teachmindsighttools

Beforewegetintospeci cs,letusbeclear:thisisn’talistyou

needtomemorize.Thesearesimplycategorizedrecommendations

thattheparentswe’veworkedwithovertheyearshavefoundto

bethemosthelpful.(We’veincludedthelist,bytheway,inthe

RefrigeratorSheetatthebackofthebook.)Asalways,youshould
keepallofthesevariousstrategiesasdi erentapproachesinyour
parentaltoolkit,pickingandchoosingtheonesthatmakesensein

various circumstances according to the temperament, age, and

stageofyourchild,aswellasyourownparentingphilosophy.

RedirectionStrategy#1:ReduceWords

Indisciplinaryinteractions,parentsoftenfeeltheneedtopointout
whattheirkidsdidwrongandhighlightwhatneedstochangenext

time. The kids, on the other hand, usually already know what they’ve done
wrong, especially as they get older. The last thing
theywant(or,usually,need)isalonglectureabouttheirmistakes.
Westronglysuggestthatwhenyouredirect,youresisttheurge

to overtalk. Ofcourse it’simportanttoaddresstheissueandteach

thelesson.Butindoingso,keepitsuccinct.Regardlessoftheage
ofyourchildren,longlecturesaren’tlikelytomakethemwantto

listentoyoumore.Instead,you’lljustbe oodingthemwithmore

information and sensory input. As a result, they’ll often simply tuneyouout.

Withyoungerchildren,whomay not havelearnedyetwhat’sOK

andwhat’snot,it’sevenmoreimportantthatwereduceourwords.

Theyoftenjustdon’thavethecapacitytotakeinalonglecture.So
instead,weneedtoreduceourwords.

If your toddler, for instance, hits you because she’s angry that she doesn’t
have your attention while you’re attending to your
otherchild,there’ssimplynoreasontogoo onalong,drawnout

orationaboutwhyhittingisabadresponsetonegativeemotions.

Instead, try this four-step approach that addresses the issue and
thenmoveson,allwithoutusingmorethanafewwords:
By addressing the child’s actions and then immediately moving on, we avoid
giving too much attention to the negative behavior
andinsteadquicklygetbackontherighttrack.

For younger and older kids both, avoid the temptation to talk too much when
you discipline. If you do need to cover an issue
morefully,trytodosobyaskingquestionsandthenlistening.As
we’llexplainbelow,acollaborativediscussioncanleadtoallkinds of important
teaching and learning, and parents can accomplish their disciplinary goals
without talking nearly as much as they typicallydo.

Thebasicideahereisakintotheconceptof“savingyourvoice.”

Politicians, businesspeople, community leaders, and anyone else who

depends on e ective communication to achieve their goals
willtellyouthatoftentherearetimeswhentheystrategicallysave

theirvoice,holdingbackonhowmuchtheysay.Theydon’tmean

theirliteralvoice,asifthey’llmaketheirthroatshoarsebytalking
somuch.Theymeantheytrytoresistaddressingthesmallpoints

inadiscussionoravotingmeeting,sothattheirwordswillmatter

morewhentheywanttoaddressthereallyimportantissues.

It’s the same with our kids. If they hear us incessantly telling
themwhattodoandwhatnottodo,andthenoncewe’vemade

ourpointwekeepmakingitoverandoveragain,theywillsooner

orlater(andprobablysooner)stoplistening.If,ontheotherhand,

wesaveourvoiceandaddresswhatwereallycareabout,thenstop

talking,thewordsweusewillcarrymuchgreaterweight.

Want your kids to listen to you better? Be brief. Once you

address the behavior and the feelings behind the behavior, move on.

RedirectionStrategy#2:EmbraceEmotions

One of the best ways to address misbehavior is to help kids

distinguishbetweentheirfeelingsandtheiractions.Thisstrategyis
relatedtotheconceptofconnection,butwe’reactuallymakinga
completelydifferentpointhere.

When we say to embrace emotions, we mean that during

redirection, parents need to help their kids understand that their

feelingsareneithergoodnorbad,neithervalidnorinvalid.They simply
are.There’snothingwrongwithgettingangry,beingsad,or feeling so frustrated
that you want to destroy something. But saying it’s OK to feel like
destroying something doesn’t mean it’s
OKtoactuallydoit.Inotherwords,it’swhatwe do asaresultof
ouremotionsthatdetermineswhetherourbehaviorisOKornot

OK.So our message to our children should be, “You can feel

whateveryoufeel,butyoucan’talwaysdowhateveryouwantto

do.”Anotherwaytothinkaboutitisthat wewanttosayyestoour

kids’ desires, evenwhen we need to say no to their behavior and

redirectthemtowardappropriateaction.

So we might say, “I know you want to take the shopping cart

home.Thatwouldbereallyfuntoplaywith.Butitneedstostay

hereatthestoresoothershopperscanuseitwhentheycome.”Or

we might say, “I totally get it that you feel like you hate your
brotherrightnow.IusedtofeelthatwayaboutmysisterwhenI

wasakidandwasreallymadather.Butyelling‘I’mgoingtokill

you!’isn’thowwetalktoeachother.It’sperfectly netobemad,

andyouhaveeveryrighttotellyourbrotheraboutit.Butlet’stalk

about other ways to express it.” Say yes to the feelings, even as
yousaynotothebehavior.
Whenwedon’tacknowledgeandvalidateourkids’feelings,or

whenweimplythattheiremotionsshouldbeturnedo orare“no

big deal” or “silly,” we communicate the message, “I’m not

interested in your feelings, and you should not share them with
me.Youjuststu thosefeelingsrightondown.”Imaginehowthat

impactstherelationship.Overtime,ourchildrenwillstopsharing

their internal experiences with us! As a result, their overall emotional life
will begin to constrict, leaving them less able to
fullyparticipateinmeaningfulrelationshipsandinteractions.

Evenmoreproblematicisthatachildwhoseparentsminimizeor deny her feelings

can begin to develop what can be called an “incoherent core self.” When she
experiences intense sadness and
frustration,buthermotherrespondswithstatementslike“Relax”

or “You’re ne,” the child will realize, if only at an unconscious level, that her
internal response to a situation doesn’t match the
externalresponsefromthepersonshetrustsmost.Asparents,we

wanttoo erwhat’scalleda“contingentresponse,”whichmeans

thatweattuneourresponsetowhatourchildisactuallyfeeling,in

a way that validates what’s happening in her mind. If a child experiences an

event and the response from her caregiver is

consistent with it—if it’s a match—then her internal experience

willmakesensetoher,andshecanunderstandherself,con dently

nametheinternalexperience,andcommunicateittoothers.She’ll

bedevelopingandworkingfroma“coherentcoreself.”
But what happens if that match isn’t there and her mother’s

response is inconsistent with the daughter’s experience of the moment?

Onemismatchisn’tgoingtohavelong-lastinge ects.But

ifoverandoveragainwhenshegetsupsetsheistoldsomething

like “Stop crying” or “Why are you so upset? Everyone else is

havingfun,”she’sgoingtobegintodoubtherabilitytoaccurately

observeandcomprehendwhat’sgoingoninsideher.Hercoreself

will be much more incoherent, leaving her confused, full of self-

doubt,anddisconnectedfromheremotions.Asshegrowsintoan adult, she may
often feel that her very emotions are unjusti ed.
Shemightdoubthersubjectiveexperience,andevenhaveahard

time knowing what she wants or feels at times. So it really is crucial that we
embrace our children’s emotions and o er a
contingentresponsewhentheyareupsetoroutofcontrol.

One bonus to acknowledging our children’s feelings during

redirection is that doing so can help kids more easily learn whatever lesson
we’re wanting to teach. When we validate their emotions and acknowledge
the way they are experiencing something—really seeing it through their eyes
—that validation
beginstocalmandregulatetheirnervoussystem’sreactivity.And

when they are in a regulated place, they have the capacity to

handlethemselveswell,listentous,andmakegooddecisions.On

theotherhand,whenwedenyourkids’feelings,minimizethem,

ortrytodistractourkidsfromthem,weprimethemtobeeasily

dysregulatedagain,andtofeeldisconnectedfromus,whichmeans

they’lloperateinaheightenedstateofagitationandbemuchmore

likelytofallapart,orshutdownemotionally,whenthingsdon’tgo

theirway.

What’s more, if we’re saying no to their emotions, kids aren’t going to feel
heard and respected. We want them to know that
we’rehereforthem,thatwe’llalwayslistentohowtheyfeel,and

thattheycancometoustodiscussanythingthey’reworriedabout

ordealingwith.Wedon’twanttocommunicatethatwe’reherefor

themonlywhenthey’rehappyorfeelingpositiveemotions.
Soinadisciplinaryinteraction,weembraceourkids’emotions,

and we teach them to do the same. We want them to believe at a

deeplevelthatevenasweteachthemaboutrightandwrongbehavior, their feelings
and experiences wil always be validated and honored.

Whenkidsfeelthisfromtheirparentsevenduringredirection,they’l be
muchmoreapttolearnthelessonstheparentsareteaching,meaning that over
time, the overal number of disciplinary moments wil decrease.

RedirectionStrategy#3:Describe,Don’tPreach The natural tendency for

many parents is to criticize and preach when our kids do something we don’t
like. In most disciplinary situations, though, those responses simply aren’t
necessary.

Instead, we can simply describe what we’re seeing, and our kids
willgetwhatwe’resayingjustasclearlyastheydowhenweyell

and disparage and nitpick. And they’ll receive that message with
muchlessdefensivenessanddrama.

With a toddler we might say something like, “Uh-oh, you’re

throwingthecards.Thatmakesithardtoplaythegame.”Toan

olderchildwecansay,“Istillseedishesonthetable,”or“Those

sound like some pretty mean words you’re using with your

brother.”Simplybystatingwhatweobserve,weinitiateadialogue

withourchildrenthatopensthedoortocooperationandteaching

much better than an immediate reprimand like “Stop talking to

yourbrotherthatway.”

Thereasonisthatevenyoungchildrenknowwrongfromrightin
most situations. You’ve already taught them what’s acceptable behavior and
what’s not. Often, then, all you need to do is call
attentiontothebehavioryou’veobserved.Thisisessentiallywhat

Anna did when she said to Paolo, “I know you know how

importanttrustisinourfamily,soI’mwonderingwhathappened

here.” Kids don’t need their parents to tel them not to make bad
decisions.Whattheyneedisfortheirparentstoredirectthem,helping
themrecognizethebaddecisionsthey’remakingandwhatleadsupto those
decisions, so they can correct themselves and change whatever
needstobechanged.

For all kids, and especially younger children and toddlers, you
areofcourseteachingthemgoodfrombad,rightfromwrong.But

again, a short, clear, direct message is going to be much more e ective than a
longer, overexplained one. And even with young
children,asimplestatementofobservationwilltypicallygetyour pointacross—
andinvitearesponsefromthem,eitherverballyor behaviorally.

The idea here isn’t that a description of what you see will be
somesortofmagicalphrasethatstopsbadbehaviorinitstracks.

We’resimplysayingthatparentsshould,asweputitinChapter5,

“thinkaboutthehow”andbeintentionalabout how theysaywhat needstobesaid.

It’snotthatthephrase“LookslikeJohnnywantsaturnonthe

swing” is communicating something fundamentally di erent from the phrase

“You need to share.” But the former o ers several
distinctadvantagesoverthelatter.First,itavoidsputtingachild

on the defensive. She might still feel the need to defend herself,
butnottothesamedegreeasifweweretoreprimandherortell

herwhatshe’sdoingwrong.
Second,describingwhatweseeputstheonusfordecidinghow

to respond to the observation on the child, thus exercising his upstairs brain.
That’s how we help him develop an internal

compass, a skill that can last a lifetime. When we say, “Jake is

feelingleftout;youneedtoincludehim,”wearede nitelygetting

ourmessageacross.Butwe’redoingalltheworkforourchild,not

allowing him to increase his inner skills of problem solving and

empathy.Ifinsteadwesimplysay,“LookatJakesittingoverthere

while you and Leo play,” we give our child the opportunity to consider the
situation for himself, and determine what needs to happen.

Third, describing what we see initiates a conversation, thereby implying that

when our child does something we don’t like, our default response will be to
visit with her about it, allow her to
explain,andgainsomeinsight.Thenwecangiveherachanceto

defend herself or apologize if necessary, and to come up with a

solutiontowhateverproblemherbehaviormighthavecaused.
“What’s going on?” “Can you help me understand?” “I can’t

gure this out.” These can be powerful phrases when we’re

teachingourkids.Whenwepointoutwhatwesee,thenaskour

kids to help us understand, it opens up the opportunity for

cooperation,dialogue,andgrowth.

Do you see how the two responses, even though their content isn’t all that di
erent, would be apt to garner very di erent responses from the children,
simply because of how the parents communicated their message? Once the
parents describe what
they’veobservedandaskforhelpinunderstanding,theycanpause
andallowthechild’sbraintodoitswork.Thentheycantakean

activeroleintheirresponse.

Thisredirectionstrategyleadsdirectlyintothenextone,which

is all about making discipline a collaborative, mutual process,

ratherthanatop-downimpositionofparentalwill.

RedirectionStrategy#4:InvolveYourChildintheDiscipline

Whenitcomestocommunicatinginadisciplinarymoment,parents

havetraditionallydonethetalking(read:lecturing),andchildren

have done the listening (read: ignoring). Parents have typically

workedfromanunexaminedassumptionthatthisone-directional,

monologue-basedapproachisthebest—andonlyviable—optionto

consider.

Many parents these days, however, are learning that discipline

willbemuchmorerespectful—and,yes,e ective—iftheyinitiate

a collaborative, reciprocal, bidirectional dialogue, rather than

deliveringamonologue.
We’re not saying that parents should forgo their roles as

authority guresintherelationship.Ifyou’vereadthisfarinthe

book,youknowthatwede nitelydon’tadvocatethat.Butwedo

knowthat whenchildrenareinvolvedintheprocessofdiscipline,they
feelmorerespected,theybuyintowhattheparentsarepromoting,and
theyarethereforemoreapttocooperateandevenhelpcomeupwith
solutionstotheproblemsthatcreatedtheneedfordisciplineinthe rst place. As a
result, parents and children work as a team to gure out
howbesttoaddressdisciplinarysituations.

Remember our discussion of mindsight, and the importance of

helpingkidsdevelopinsightintotheirownactionsandempathyfor

others? Once you’ve connected and your child is ready and

receptive,youcansimplyinitiateadialoguethatleads rsttoward

insight (“I know you know the rule, so I’m wondering what was
goingonforyouthatledyoutothis”)andthentowardempathy

andintegrativerepair(“Whatdoyouthinkthatwaslikeforher,

andhowcouldyoumakethingsright?”).

Forexample,let’ssayyoureight-year-oldbecomesout-of-control

furiousbecausehissisterisgoingon another playdate,andhefeels like he “never

gets to do anything!” In his anger, he throws your
favoritesunglassesacrosstheroomandbreaksthem.

Onceyou’vecalmeddownandconnectedwithyourson,howdo

you want to talk with him about his actions? The traditional approach is to o
er a monologue where you say something like, “It’sOKtogetmad—
everyonedoes—butwhenyou’reangryyou
still need to control your body. We don’t break other people’s things. The
next time you’re that mad, you need to nd an

appropriatewaytoexpressyourbigfeelings.”

Isthereanythingwrongwiththiscommunicationstyle?No,not

atall.Infact,it’sfullofcompassionandahealthyrespectforyour

childandhisemotions.Butdoyouseehowit’sbasedontop-down,

one-directional communication? You are imparting the important

information,andyourchildisreceivingit.

What if, instead, you involved him in a collaborative dialogue that asked him
to consider how best to address the situation?

Maybe you would begin with the D from R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T and

merely describe whatyousaw,thenaskhimtorespond:“Yougot

somadawhileago.Yougrabbedmyglassesandthrewthem.What wasgoingon?”

Sinceyouwillhavealreadyconnected,listened,andresponded

tohisfeelingsabouthissister’splaydate,hecannowfocusonyour

question. Most likely he’ll come back to his anger and say

somethinglike,“Iwasjustsomad!”

Thenyoucansimplydescribe,beingintentionalwithyourtone

(since the how matters), what you saw: “Then you threw my

glasses.” Here’s where you’re likely to get some sort of “Sorry, Mom.”

Atthispointyoucanmovetothenextphaseoftheconversation

andfocusexplicitlyonteaching:“Weallgetmad.There’snothing
wrong with getting angry. But what could you do the next time
you’rethatmad?”Maybeyoucouldevensmileandthrowinsome

subtle humor he’d appreciate: “You know, besides destroying

something?” And the conversation could go on from there, with

youaskingquestionsthathelpyouryoungsonthinkaboutissues

likeempathy,mutualrespect,ethics,andhandlingbigemotions.

Noticethattheoverallmessageremainsthesame,whetheryou

o er a monologue or initiate a dialogue. But when you involve

yourchildinthediscipline,yougivehimtheopportunitytothink

abouthisownactions,andwhateverresultedfromthem,atamuch

deeperlevel.

Youhelphimrecruitmorecomplexneuralpathwaysthatbuild

mindsight capacities, and the result is deeper and longer-lasting learning.

Involving your kids in the discipline discussion is also a great way to dial
back any patterns or behaviors that may have

unintentionallybeensetupinyourhome.Aone-directional,top-down
disciplineapproachmightleadyoutostormintotheliving

roomanddeclare,“You’respendingwaytoomuchtimeonvideo
gamesthesedays!Fromnowon,nomorethan fteenminutesa

day.”Youcanimaginetheresponseyoumightreceive.
Whatif,instead,youwaiteduntildinnertime,andonceeveryone

was at the table, you said, “I know you’ve been getting to play
videogamesalotlately,butthat’snotreallyworkingverywell.It

putso homework,andIalsowanttomakesureyou’respending

timeonotheractivitiesaswell.Soweneedtocomeupwithanew

plan.Anyideas?”

You will probably still experience resistance when you broach

thepossibilityofcurtailingscreentime.Butyouwillhaveinitiated
adiscussionabouttheissue,andwhenyourkidsknowthatyou’re
talkingaboutcuttingback,they’llde nitelybeinvestedinbeinga

partoftheconversationtodeterminewhatlimitswillbeset.You

canremindthemthatyouwillbemakingthe naldecision,butlet
themseethatyou’reinvitingtheirinputbecauseyourespectthem, want to
consider their feelings and desires, and believe they are
helpfulproblemsolvers.Then,eveniftheydon’tlovethe nalcall

youmake,they’llknowtheywereatleastconsidered.

The same would go for any number of other issues: “I know

we’ve been doing homework after dinner, but that’s not been

workingwell,soweneedanewplan.Anyideas?”Or“I’venoticed

that you’re not too happy about having to practice piano before
schoolinthemornings.Isthereadi erenttimewhenyou’dfeel

betteraboutpracticing?Whatwouldworkforyou?”Oftenthey’ll

comeupwiththesamesolutionyouwouldhaveimposedonthe

situationanyway.Buttheywillhaveexercisedtheirupstairsbrain

todosoandfeltyourrespectalongtheway.

One of the best results from involving kids in the discipline

processisthatfrequentlythey’llcomeupwithgreatnewideasfor

solving a problem, ideas you hadn’t even considered. Plus, you

mightbeshockedto ndouthowmuchtheyarewillingtobendto

bringaboutapeacefulresolutiontoastandoff.
Tinatellsthestoryofatimewhenherfour-year-oldabsolutely

had to have a treat—speci cally, a bag of fruit snacks—at nine-thirty in the

morning. She told him, “Those fruit snacks are delicious,aren’tthey?
Youcanhavethemafteryouhaveagood

lunchinalittlewhile.”

He didn’t like Tina’s plan and began to cry and complain and
argue.Sherespondedbysaying,“It’sreallyhardtowait,isn’tit?

Youwantthefruitsnacks,andIwantyoutohaveahealthylunch

first.Hmmm.Doyouhaveanyideas?”
Shesawhislittlecognitivewheelsturnforafewseconds,then

his eyes got big with excitement. He called out, “I know! I can haveone now
andsavetherestforafterlunch!”

He felt empowered, the power struggle was averted, and Tina

wasabletogivehimanopportunitytosolveaproblem.Andallit

costherwasallowinghimtohave one fruitsnack.Notsuchabig deal.

Again,thereareofcoursetimesthatyoucan’tgiveanywiggle

room,andtheremaybetimestoallowyourchildtodealwithano

or give him the opportunity to learn about waiting or handling

disappointment. But usually when we involve the child in the
discipline,itresultsinawin-winsolution.

Even with very young children, we want to involve them as

much as possible, asking them to re ect on their actions and consider how to
avoid problems in the future: “Remember

yesterday,whenyougotangry?You’renotusuallysomeonewho

hits and kicks. What happened?” With questions like these, you give your
child the opportunity to practice re ecting on her behavior and developing
self-insight. Granted, you may not get great answers from a young child, but
you’re laying the

groundwork.Thepointistoletherthinkaboutherownactions.

Thenyoucanaskherwhatshecandodi erentlythenexttime

shegetssomad.Discusswhatshewouldlikeyoutodotohelpher

calm down. This type of conversation will deepen her

understandingoftheimportanceofregulatingemotions,honoring
relationships,planningahead,expressingherselfappropriately,and
onandon.Itwillalsocommunicatehowimportantherinputand

ideas are to you. She’llunderstand more and more that she’s an individual,
separate from you, and that you are interested in her
thoughtsandfeelings.Everytimeyouinvolveyourchildreninthe

processofdiscipline,youstrengthentheparent-childbond,while

alsoincreasingtheoddsthatthey’llhandlethemselvesbetterinthe

future.

RedirectionStrategy#5:ReframeaNointoaConditionalYes When you have

to decline a request, it matters, once again, how yousayno.Anout-and-
outnocanbemuchhardertoacceptthana
yeswithconditions.No,especiallyifsaidinaharshanddismissive

tone, can automatically activate a reactive state in a child (or

anyone).Inthebrain,reactivitycaninvolvetheimpulseto ght,

ee, freeze, or, in extreme cases, faint. In contrast, a supportive

yesstatement,evenwhennotpermittingabehavior,turnsonthe

socialengagementcircuitry,makingthebrainreceptivetowhat’s

happening, making learning more likely, and promoting

connectionswithothers.

Thisstrategywilldi eraccordingtotheageofyourchildren.To

atoddlerwhoisaskingformoretimeathergrandmother’swhen

it’stimetoleave,youcansay,“Ofcourseyoucanhavemoretime

withNana.Weneedtogonow,butNana,woulditbeOKifwe

camebacktoyourhousethisweekend?”Thechildmaystillhave
troubleacceptingno,butyou’rehelpingherseethateventhough

she’snotgettingexactlywhatshewantsrightnow,she’llbetold

yes again before too long. The key is that you’ve identi ed and empathized
with a feeling (the desire to be with Nana) while
creatingstructureandskill(acknowledgingtheneedtoleavenow

anddelayingthegratificationofthedesire).

Orifyoursoncan’tgetenoughoftheThomastheTankEngine

hands-ondisplayatthelocaltoystoreandisunwillingtosetdown

Percy the Engine so you can exit the store, you can o er him a
conditionalyes.Trysomethinglike,“Iknow!Let’stakePercyupto

thesaleswomanoverthere,andexplaintoherthatyouwantherto

holdhimforyouandkeephimsafeuntilwecomebackforstory

timeonTuesday.”Thesaleswomanwilllikelyplayalong,andthe

whole potential asco can be avoided. What’s more, you’ll be

teaching your child to develop a prospective mind, to sense the

possibilities for the future and to imagine how to create future

actionstomeetpresentneeds.Theseareexecutivefunctionsthat,

when learned, can be skills that last a lifetime. You are o ering guidance to
literally grow the important prefrontal circuits of
emotionalandsocialintelligence.
Notice that this isn’t at all about protecting kids from being frustrated or
providing them with everything they want. On the contrary, it’s about giving
them practice at tolerating their disappointment when things inevitably don’t
go their way. They
aren’tattainingtheirdesiresinthatmoment,andyou’reassisting

them as they manage their disappointment. You’re helping them

developtheresiliencethatwillaidthemeverytimetheyaretold

no throughout their lives. You’re expanding their window of

tolerance for not getting their way and giving them practice at delaying grati
cation. These are all prefrontal functions that
developinyourchildasyouparentwiththebraininmind.Instead
ofdisciplinesimplyleadingtoafeelingofbeingshutdown,now your child will
know, from actual experiences with you, that the limits you set often lead
toward learning skills and imagining
futurepossibilities,notimprisonmentanddismissal.

Thestrategyise ectiveforolderchildren(andevenadults)as

well. None of us like to be simply told no when we want

something,anddependingonwhatelsehasbeenhappening,ano

mayevenpushusovertheedge.Soinsteadofo eringanoutright

refusal,wecansaysomethinglike,“There’salothappeningtoday

andtomorrow,soyes,let’sinviteyourfriendover,butlet’sdoit

on Friday, when you’ll have more time with him.” That’s a lot easier to
accept, and it gives a child practice in handling the
disappointment,aswellasindelayinggratification.

Say, for instance, a group of your nine-year-old’s friends are going to a

concert to see the latest pop sensation, who, in your opinion, represents all
the things you want your daughter not to
emulate.Regardlessofhowyoudeliverthenews,she’snotgoing
tobehappytohearthatshe’snotgoingtotheconcert.Butyoucan

atleastmitigatesomeofthedramabybeingproactiveandgetting

aheadofthecurveontheissue.

Youmight,forexample,askheraboutupcomingconcertsshe’d

liketoattend,ando ertotakeherandafriendtothemoviesin

themeantime.Ifyouwanttogotheextramile,youcouldevenget

online and look for a di erent concert she’d be interested in attending in the
near future. Pay close attention to your tone of
voice.Particularlyifyou’rehavingtodenyachildsomethingshe

really wants, it’s important that you avoid coming across as patronizing or
overly dogmatic in your opinion. Again, we’re not
sayingthisstrategywillmakeeverythingeasyandkeepyourchild

from feeling angry, hurt, and misunderstood. But by coming up

withsomesortofconditionalyes,ratherthanasimple“No,you’re

notgoing,”youatleastdecreasethereactivityandshowyourchild

thatyou’repayingattentiontoherdesires.

Granted,therearetimeswesimplyhavetodeliverthedreaded

outrightno.Butit’smoreoftenthecasethatwecan ndwaysto

avoidhavingtoturnourkidsdownwithoutatleast ndingsome

measureofayesthatwecanalsodeliver.Afterall,thethingskids

want are often the things we want for them, too—just at a

di erenttime.Theymaywanttoreadmorestories,orplaywith

theirfriends,oreaticecream,orplayonthecomputer.Theseare

all activities we want them to enjoy at some point as well, so

usuallywecaneasilyfindanalternativetimetomakeithappen.

Infact,there’sanimportantplacefornegotiationinparent-child

interactions. This becomes more and more important as kids get older. When
your ten-year-old wants to stay up a little later and
you’vesaidno,butthenhepointsoutthattomorrowisSaturday

and he promises to sleep an hour later than usual, that’s a good time to at
least rethink your position. Obviously, there are some non-
negotiables:“Sorry,butyoucan’tputyourbabysisterinthe
dryer,evenifyoudolineitwithpillows.”Butcompromiseisn’ta

sign of weakness; it’s evidence of respect for your child and his desires.
Inaddition, it gives him an opportunity for some pretty complex thinking,
equipping him with important skills about

considering not only what he wants, but also what others want,
andthenmakinggoodargumentsbasedonthatinformation.And

it’sa lot moree ectiveinthelongrunthanjustsayingnowithout

consideringotheralternatives.

RedirectionStrategy#6:EmphasizethePositive

Parents often forget that discipline doesn’t always have to be

negative.Yes,it’susuallythecasethatwe’rediscipliningbecause

something less than optimal has occurred; there’s a lesson that

needstobelearnedoraskillthatneedstobedeveloped.Butone of the best ways to
deal with misbehavior is to focus on the
positiveaspectsofwhatyourkidsaredoing.

For example, think about that bane of parental existence,

whining. Who doesn’t get tired of hearing our kids shift to that
droning,complaining,singsongtoneofvoicethatmakesusgritour

teethandwanttocoverourears?Parentsoftenrespondbysaying

somethinglike,“Stopwhining!”Ormaybethey’llgetcreativeand

say,“Turndownthewhine,”or“What’sthat?Idon’tspeakwhine.

You’llhavetotellmeinanotherlanguage.”

We’renotsayingthesearetheworstpossibleapproaches.It’sa

problem,though,whenweresorttonegativeresponses,becauseit
gives all of our attention to the behavior we don’t want to see repeated.

Instead, what if we emphasized the positive? Instead of “No

whining,”wecouldsaysomethinglike,“Ilikeitwhenyoutalkin

your normal voice. Can you say that again?” Or be even more

directinteachingaboute ectivecommunication:“Askmeagainin

yourpowerful,big-boyvoice.”

The same idea goes for other disciplinary situations. Instead of focusing on
what you don’t want (“Stop messing around and get
ready,you’regoingtobelateforschool!”),emphasizewhatyou do
want(“Ineedyoutobrushyourteethand ndyourbackpack”).

Ratherthanhighlightingthenegativebehavior(“Nobikerideuntil

you try your green beans”), focus on the positive (“Have a few
bitesofthegreenbeans,andwe’llhoponthebikes”).
Thereareplentyofotherwaystoemphasizethepositivewhen

youdiscipline.Youmayhaveheardtheoldsuggestionto“catch”

yourkidsbehavingwellandmakinggooddecisions.Anytimeyou

seeyourolderchild,who’susuallysocriticalofheryoungersister,

giving her a compliment, point it out: “I love it when you’re

encouraginglikethat.”Orifyoursixthgraderhashadahardtime

gettinghishomeworkinontime,andyounoticethathe’smakinga

special e ort to work ahead on the report that’s due next week, a rm him:
“You’re really working hard, aren’t you? Thanks for thinking ahead.” Or
when your kids are laughing together rather than
ghting,makeapointofit:“Youtwoarereallyhavingfun.I

know you argue, too, but it’s great how much you enjoy each

other.”
Inemphasizingthepositive,yougiveyourfocusandattentionto

thebehaviorsyouwanttoseerepeated.It’sagentlewaytoalso

encourage those behaviors in the future without the interaction

becomingaboutrewardsorpraise.Simplygivingyourattentionto

yourchildandstatingwhatyouseecanbeapositiveexperience

untoitself.

We’re not saying you’re not going to have to address negative behaviors as
well. Of course you are. But as much as possible,
focusonthepositiveandallowyourkidstounderstand, andtofeel
fromyou,thatyounoticeandappreciatewhenthey’remakinggood
decisionsandhandlingthemselveswell.
RedirectionStrategy#7:CreativelyApproachtheSituation One of the best
tools to keep ready in your parenting toolbox is creativity. As we’ve said
time and again throughout the book, there’s no one-size- ts-all discipline
technique to use in every
situation.Instead,we’vegottobewillingandabletothinkonour

feet and come up with di erent ways to handle whatever issue

arises.AsweputitinChapter5, parentsneedresponse exibility, which allows us
to pause and consider various responses to a situation, applying di erent
approaches based on our own

parentingstyleandeachindividualchild’stemperamentandneeds.

When we exercise response exibility, we use our prefrontal

cortex, which is central to our upstairs brain and the skills of executive
functions. Engaging this part of our brain during a disciplinary moment
makes it far more likely that we’ll also be
abletoconjureupempathy,attunedcommunication,andeventhe

ability to calm our own reactivity. If, on the other hand, we become
inflexible and remain on the rigid bank of the river, we
becomemuchmorereactiveasparentsanddon’thandleourselves as well. Ever
had that kind of moment? We have, too. Our

downstairsbrainwilltakechargeandruntheshow,allowingour

reactivebraincircuitrytotakeover.That’swhyit’ssoimportant

that we strive for response exibility andcreativity, especially

whenourkidsareoutofcontrolormakingbaddecisions.Thenwe

can come up with creative and innovative ways to approach

difficultsituations.

For example, humor is a powerful tool when a child is upset.

Especially with younger children, you can completely change the
dynamicsofaninteractionsimplybytalkinginasillyvoice,falling

downcomically,orusingsomeotherformofslapstick.Ifyouare

sixyearsoldandfuriouswithyourfather,it’snotaseasytostay

madathimifhe’sjusttrippedoveratoyinthelivingroomand

enactedthelongest,mostdrawn-outfalltothegroundyou’veever seen. Likewise,

leaving the park is a lot more fun if you get to chase Mom to the car while
she cackles and screams in pretend
fear.Beingplayfulisagreatwaytobreakthroughachild’sbubble

ofhighemotion,soyoucanthenhelphimgaincontrolofhimself.

Itappliestointeractionswitholderkids,too;youjusthavetobe

more subtle, and willing to receive an eye roll or two. If your eleven-year-
oldisonthecouch,lessthaninclinedtojoinyouand

his younger siblings in a board game, you can shift the mood by
playfullysittingonhim.Again,thishastobedoneinaconsiderate

way and t with his personality and mood, but a playfully

apologetic“Oh,I’msorry.Ididn’tseeyouthere”canatleastdraw

apretend-frustrated“Daaaad”and,again,changethedynamicsof

thesituation.

Onereasonthistypeofplayfulnessandhumorcanbee ective

withkids—andadultsaswell,bytheway—isthatthebrainloves

novelty.Ifyoucanintroducethebraintosomethingithasn’tseen

before, something it didn’t expect, it will give that something its attention.
This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective: somethingthat’sdi
erentfromwhatweusuallyseewillpiqueour

interest on a primitive and automatic level. After all, the brain’s rst task is to
appraise any situation for safety. Its attention immediately goes to whatever
is unique, novel, unexpected, or di erent, so that it can assess whether the
new element in its
environmentissafeornot.Theappraisalcentersofthebrainask,

“Isthisimportant?DoIneedtopayattentionhere?Isthisgoodor

bad? Do I move toward it or away from it?”This attention to

noveltyisakeyreasonthathumorandsillinesscanbesoe ective

in a disciplinary moment. Also, a respectful sense of humor

communicates the absence of threat, which allows our social

engagement circuitry to engage, which in turn opens us up to connect with

others. Creative responses to disciplinary situations
prompt our kids’ brains to ask these questions, become more

receptive,andgiveustheirfullattention.
Creativitycomesinhandyinallkindsofotherways,too.Let’s

sayyourpreschoolerisusingawordyoudon’tlike.Maybeshe’s

saying things are “stupid.” You’ve tried ignoring it, but you keep hearing the
word. You’ve tried rephrasing it with a more

acceptable synonym—“You’re right, those swim goggles are just

wacky,aren’tthey?”—butshekeepssayingthegogglesarestupid.

If ignoring and re-languaging don’t turn out to be e ective

strategies, then instead of forbidding the word—you know how

wellthatworks—getcreative.Onegiftedpreschooldirectorcame
upwithaninspiredwaytoaddresstheuseoftheword.Anytime

heheardachildsaysomethingwasstupid,hewouldexplain,ina

matterof-facttone,thatthewordisreallyonlymeanttobeused
inaparticularcontext:“ ‘Stupid’issuchagreatword,isn’tit?But
I’mafraidyou’reusingitwrong,mydear.Yousee,that’savery

particularwordthat’sreallymeanttobeusedonlywhentalkingto

babychickens.It’ssortofafarmword.Let’scomeupwithanother

termtouseinthissituation.”

Thereareplentyofwaystoapproachasituationlikethis.You

might suggest devising a code word that means “stupid,” so that you two
share a secret language that no one else understands.

Maybethenewtermcouldbe“glooby”orsomeotherfunwordto

say,oritcouldevenbeahandsignalyoumakeuptogether.The

point is that you nd a way to creatively redirect your child

towardbehaviorthatwillworkbetterforeveryoneinvolved,and

evengiveyouafunsenseofconnection.

Let’s acknowledge one thing, though: sometimes you don’t feel

likebeingcreative.Itfeelslikeittakestoomuchenergy.Ormaybe

you’re not too happy with your kids because of the way they’re
acting,soyou’renotexactlythrilledwiththeideaofmusteringthe

energytohelpthemshifttheirmoodorseethingsinanewlight.

Inotherwords,sometimesyoujustdon’twanttobeplayfuland

fun.Youwantthemtojustgetinthecarseatwithoutasongand
dance!Youwantthemtojustputontheirstinkingshoes!Youwant

themtojustgettheirhomeworkdone,orturno thevideogame,

orstopfighting,orwhatever!

Wegetit.Boy,dowegetit.

However,comparethetwooptions.The rstistobecreative,

whichoftendemandsmoreenergyandgoodwillthanwecaneasily

musterwhenwedon’tlikethewayourkidsareacting.Ugh.

Theotheroption,though,istocontinuetohavetoparticipatein

whatever battle the discipline situation has created. Double ugh.

Doesn’titusuallyenduptakingmuchmoretimeandmuchmore

energytoengageinthebattle? Thefactis,wecanoftencompletely
avoidthebattlebysimplytakingjustafewsecondstocomeupwithan
ideathat’sfunandplayful.

So the next time you see trouble coming with your kids, or if
thereisaparticularissuethatyoutypicallyendupbattlingover,

thinkaboutyourtwooptions.Askyourself:“DoIreallywantthe

dramathat’sonthehorizon?”Ifnot,tryplayfulness.Besilly.Even

if you don’t feel like it, muster up the energy to be creative.

Sidestepthedramathatsucksthelifeoutofyouandtakesthefun

outofyourrelationshipwithyourchild.Wepromise,thisoptionis

morefunforeveryone.

RedirectionStrategy#8:TeachMindsightTools
The nal redirection strategy we’ll discuss is perhaps the most revolutionary.
You’ll recall that mindsight is all about seeing our own minds, as well as the
minds of others, and promoting integration in our lives. Once kids begin to
develop the personal
insightthatallowsthemtoseeandobservetheirownminds,they

canthenlearntousethatinsighttohandledifficultsituations.

Wediscussedthisideaindetailinourpreviousbook, TheWhole-

BrainChild,focusingonseveralWhole-Brainstrategiesparentscan use to help

their children integrate their brains and develop mindsight. As we’ve taught
the fundamentals of that book to

audiences of parents, therapists, and educators, we’ve further

refinedthoseideas.

The overall point of this nal redirection strategy is one that even small
children can understand, although older kids can

obviously grasp the message in more depth: Youdon’thavetoget stuck in a

negative experience. You don’t have to be a victim to
externalevents,orinternalemotions.Youcanuseyourmindtotake
chargeofhowyoufeel,andhowyouact.

Werealizethatthisisanextraordinarypromisetomake.Butwe
areenthusiasticaboutthisapproachbecauseofhowithasworked for so many
people through the years. Parents really can teach their kids and themselves
mindsight tools that will help them weatheremotionalstormsanddealmoree
ectivelywithdi cult

experiences,thusleadingthemtomakebetterdecisionsandenjoy

lesschaosanddramawhentheyareupset. Wecanhelpourchildren

increasinglyhaveasayinhowtheyfeel,andinhowtheylookatthe

world. Not through some mysterious, mystical process available only to the
gifted, but by using emerging knowledge about the
brainandapplyingitinsimple,logical,practicalways.

For example, you may have heard about the famous Stanford

marshmallow experiment from the 1960s and 1970s. Young

childrenwerebroughtintoaroomoneatatime,andaresearcher

invited them to sit down at a table. On the table was a

marshmallow, and the researcher explained that he would leave

theroomforafewminutes.Ifthechildresistedthetemptationto

eatthemarshmallowwhilehewasgone,hewouldgivethechild

twomarshmallowswhenhereturned.

The results were predictably hilarious and adorable. Search

online and you can view video of numerous replications of the study, which
show children variously closing their eyes, covering their mouths, turning
their back to the marshmallow, stroking it like a stu ed animal, slyly nibbling
at the corners of the

marshmallow,andsoon.Somechildrenevengrabthesugarytreat

and eat it before the researcher can nish delivering the

instructions.
Much has been written about this study and followup

experiments focusing on children’s ability to delay grati cation, demonstrate

selfcontrol, apply strategic reasoning, and so on.

Researchershavefoundthatkidswhodemonstratedtheabilityto

wait longer before eating the marshmallow tended to have many improved
life outcomes as they grew up, such as doing better in
school,scoringhigherontheSAT,andbeingmorephysicallyfit.

Theapplicationwewanttohighlighthereiswhatarecentstudy

revealedabouthowchildrencouldusemindsighttoolstobemore

successfulatdelayinggrati cation.Researchersfoundthatifthey

providedthekidswithmentaltoolsthatgavethemaperspective

or strategy to assist in containing their impulse to eat the marshmallow—

thus helping them manage their emotions and

desiresinthatmoment—thechildrenweremuchmoresuccessfulat
demonstratingself-control.Infact,whentheresearcherstaughtthe kids to
imagine that it wasn’t an actual marshmallow in front of
them,butinsteadonlyapictureofamarshmallow,theywereable

towaitmuchlongerthanthekidswhoweren’tgivenanystrategies

to help them wait! In other words, simply by using a simple

mindsighttool,thechildrenwereabletomoree ectivelymanage

theiremotions,impulses,andactions.

You can do the same for your kids. If you’ve read The Whole-
BrainChild,youknowaboutthehandmodelofthebrain.Here’s
howweintroduceditina“Whole-BrainKids”cartoonforparents

toreadtotheirchildren.
Danrecentlyreceivedanemailfromaschoolprincipalabouta

newkindergartenstudentwhowasstruggling.Thechild’steacher

had taught her class the hand model of the brain, and she saw
immediateresults:

Yesterdayateachercametomeveryconcernedabout

thebehaviorofanewkindergartenstudent.Hehadjust

come to our school, and he was crawling under tables

and saying he hated everything. (He is living with a

family member, as his mom is incarcerated, and now

he’shadtoleaveateacherhereallyliked.)

Today our teacher retaught Brainin-theHand. This

was new to him. He was under the table most of the

timewhileshetaught.Soonafter,hemotionedtoher, showedthe
ippedlidwithhishand,and,onhisown,

wenttothecool-offspotforalongtime.(Healmostfell

asleep.)

Whenhe nallygotup,heapproachedherwhileshe

was teaching, pointed to his hand/brain with his lid

closed,andjoinedthegroup.

After a bit she complimented him for his

participation,andhesaid,“Iknow.Itoldyou.”Andhe

pointedtohishand/brainwiththelidclosed.

Itwasahugemoment,andsheandIcelebratedfor

himthathemustreallyhaveneededthatlanguage!

LatertodayIwentinduringchoicetimeandplayed

“restaurant” with him. At one point he took a single

ower out of a vase and handed it to me. My heart

melted.Yesterdayhisteacherwascomparinghimtoa

child who truly struggles. Today he’s seeking every

opportunity to connect with us. I’m so thankful that

we’relearningthis.

Whatdidthisteacherdo?Shegaveherstudentamindsighttool.

She helped him develop a strategy for understanding and

expressingwhatwashappeningaroundandwithinhim,sohecould

thenmakeintentionalchoicesabouthowtorespond.

Anotherwaytosayitisthatwewanttohelpkidsdevelop adual

modeofprocessing theeventsthatoccurintheirlives.The rstmode

isallaboutteachingchildrentobeawareofandsimplysensetheir
subjectiveexperiences.Inotherwords,whenthey’redealingwith

somethingdi cult,wedon’twantthemtodenythatexperience,

ortosquelchtheiremotionsaboutit.Wewantthemtotalkabout

what’s going on as they describe their inner experience,

communicating what they’re feeling and seeing in that moment.

That’sthe rstmodeofprocessing:tosimplyacknowledgeandbe present with the

experience. This teacher, in other words, didn’t
wantthislittleboytodenyhowhewasfeeling.Hisfeelingwashis

experience, and this “experiencing mode” is all about simply

sensinginnersubjectiveexperienceasitishappening.

Butalsowewantourkidstobeableto observe what’sgoingon

within them, and how the experience is impacting them. Brain studies reveal
that we actually have two di erent circuits—an experiencing circuit and an
observing circuit. They are di erent, but each is important, and integrating
them means building both and then linking them. We want our kids to not
only feel their feelings and sense their sensations, but also to be able to
notice howtheirbodyfeels,tobeableto witness theirownemotions.We want
them to pay attention to their emotions (“I’m noticing that I’m feeling kind
of sad,” or “My frustration isn’t grape-size right
now;it’slikeawatermelon!”).Wewanttoteachthemtosurvey themselves, and
then problemsolve based on this awareness of theirinternalstate.

That’s what this boy did. He both lived in his experience and
observedit.Thisallowedhimto own whatwasgoingon.Hehad

the perspective to be able to o bserve his experience as he was experiencing

it. He could bear w itness to the unfolding of
experience,notjustbeintheexperience.Andthenhecould n arrate what had
happened, using language to express to others and to himself an
understanding of what was going on. Using the hand
modelashistool,hesurveyedhimselfandrecognizedthathehad

“ ippedhislid,”andhetookstepsinresponse,thuschanginghis

internalstate.Thenwhenhewasbackincontrolofhisemotions,

herejoinedthegroup.

We see kids and parents in our work who become stuck in an

experiencethey’redealingwith.Ofcoursetheyneedtodealwith

what’shappenedtothem.Butthat’sonlyonemodeofprocessing.

Theyalsoneedtolookatandthinkaboutwhat’sgoingon.They need to use

mindsight tools to become aware of and observe,
almostlikeareporter,whatishappening.Onewaytoexplainitis

thatwewantthemtobetheactor,experiencingthesceneinthe

moment,butalsotobethedirector,whowatchesmoreobjectively

and can, from outside the scene, be more insightful about what’s
takingplaceoncamera.

Whenweteachkidstobebothactoranddirector—toembrace
the experience and also to survey and observe what’s happening
withinthemselves—wegivethemimportanttoolsthathelpthem

takechargeofhowtheyrespondtosituationsthey’refacedwith.It

allows them to say, “I hate tests! My heart is pounding, and I’m

startingtofreakout!”butthenalsotoobserve,“That’snotweird.I

reallywanttodowellonit.ButIdon’thavetofreakout.Ijust

need to skip that TV show tonight and put in some extra study time.”

Again,thisisaboutteachingkidsthattheydon’thavetobestuck

inanexperience.Theycanalsobeobserversandthereforechange

agents. Let’s say, for example, that the child described above remains overly
concerned about tomorrow’s test. He begins a

cascadeofworryingthattakeshimintoaspiralofpanicaboutthe

testandhissemestergrade,andwhatthatmightmeanintermsof

graduatingwiththerightGPAtogetintoagoodcollege.

Thiswouldbeagreattimeforhisparentstoteachhimthathe

canchangehisemotionsandhisthinkingbymovinghisbody,or

simply by altering his physical posture. In The WholeBrain Child, we call

this particular mindsight tool the “move it or lose it”

technique. The boy’s parents could have him sit “like a noodle,”

completelyrelaxedand“ oppy,”foracoupleofminutes.Theyall

couldthenobservetogetherhowhisfeelings,thoughts,andbody

began to feel di erent. (It really is amazing how e ective this

particularstrategycanbewhenwe’retense.)Thentheycouldgo
back and talk about the exam from an “unstuck place” where he
couldseethathehadsomeoptions.
There are limitless ways you can teach your kids about the

powerofthemind.Explaintheconceptofsharkmusic,andhavea

conversation about what experiences from the past might be

impactingtheirdecisionmaking.Orexplaintheriverofwell-being.

ShowthemthepicturefromChapter3,andwalkthemthrougha
discussionofarecentexperiencewhentheywereespeciallychaotic or rigid. Or
when they are feeling scared about something, tell
them,“Showmewhatyourbodylookslikewhenyou’rebrave,and

let’s see what that feels like.” Recent studies are suggesting that
simplyholdingourbodiesinvariousposturescanactuallyshiftour
emotions,alongwiththewayweviewtheworld.

Opportunities to teach mindsight tools are everywhere. In the

car,whenyournine-year-oldisupsetaboutanimportantshotshe
missedinherbasketballgame,directherattentiontothesplotches

on your windshield. Say something like, “Each spot on the

windshield is something that has happened or will happen this month. This
one here is your basketball game. That’s real, and I know you’re upset. I’m
glad you’re able to be aware of your

feelings.Butlookatalltheothersplotchesonthewindshield.This

one here is the party this weekend. You’re pretty excited about that, aren’t
you? And that one next to it represents your math grade from yesterday.
Remember how proud you felt?” Then

continue the conversation, putting the missed shot into context

withherotherexperiences.

Thepointofanexerciselikethisisn’ttotellyourdaughternotto

worryaboutherbasketballgame.Notatall.Wewantto encourage

our kids to feel their feelings, and to share them with us. The
sensingmodethatletsusexperiencedirectlyisanimportantmode

ofprocessing.Butalongtheway,wewanttogivethemperspective

and help them understand that they can focus their attention on
otheraspectsoftheirreality.Thiscomesfromhavingour observing
circuitswelldeveloped,too,notjustour sensing circuits.It’snota
matterofoneortheother.Bothareimportant,andtogetherthey
makeagreatteam.That’sonewaywecanhelpourkidsdevelop

integration by di erentiating and then linking their sensing and absorbing

capacities.Having built both circuits, our kids can use
theirmindstothinkaboutthingsotherthanwhat’supsettingthem
in a particular moment, and as a result, they see the world

di erently and feel better. When we teach our kids mindsight tools, we give
them the gift of being able to regulate their
emotions,ratherthanbeingruledbythem,sotheydon’thaveto

remainvictimsoftheirenvironmentortheiremotions.

Thenexttimeadisciplineopportunitycomesupinyourhouse,

introduce your kids to some mindsight tools. Or use one of the

otherredirectionstrategieswe’vepresentedhere.Youmighthave totryseveraldi
erentapproaches.Noonestrategywillapplyin

every situation. But if you work from a No-Drama, WholeBrain perspective

that rst connects, then redirects, you can more

e ectively achieve the primary goals of discipline: gaining

cooperationinthemomentandbuildingyourchildren’sbrainsso

they can be kind and responsible people who enjoy successful

relationshipsandmeaningfullives.

CONCLUSION

OnMagicWands,BeingHuman,Reconnection,

andChange:FourMessagesofHope

We’ve emphasized throughout this book that No-Drama

Discipline allows for a much calmer and more loving

disciplinaryinteraction.We’vealsosaidthataNo-Drama,WholeBrain approach
not only is better for your children, their future, and your relationship with
them, but actually makes discipline more e ective and your life easier as
well, since it increases the cooperationyou’llreceivefromyourkids.
Still, even with the best ambitions and the most intentional methods,
sometimes everyone walks away from a disciplinary

interaction feeling angry, confused, and frustrated. In our closing

pages,wewanttoo erfourmessagesofhopeandsolaceforthose di
cultmomentsweallinevitablyfaceatonetimeoranotheras

wedisciplineourchildren.

FirstMessageofHope:ThereIsNoMagicWand

OnedayTina’sseven-year-oldbecamefuriouswithherbecauseshe

toldhimitwouldn’tworkthatdaytoinviteafriendovertoplay.

He stormed o to his room and slammed the door. Less than a

minutelater,sheheardthedooropen,thenslamagain.

Here’showTinatellsthestory.

Iwenttocheckonmyson,andtapedtotheoutsideof
hisdoor,Isawthispicture.

(Youcanseefromthedrawingbelowthatheregularly

uses his artistic talents to communicate his feelings

abouthisparents.)
I went into his room and saw what I knew I’d see: a

child-sizelumpunderthecoversonhisbed.Isatnextto

the lump and put my hand on what I assumed was a

shoulder,andsuddenlythelumpmovedawayfromme,

towardthewall.Frombeneaththecovers,mysoncried

out,“Getawayfromme!”

At times like this I can become childish and drop

downtomychild’slevel.I’veevenbeenknowntosay

thingslike,“Fine!Ifyouwon’tletmecutthattoenail
that’shurting,youcanstayinpainallweek!”

But this particular day, I maintained control and

handled myself pretty well, trying to address the

situationfromaWhole-Brainperspective.I rsttriedto

connect by acknowledging his feelings: “I know it

makesyoumadthatRyancan’tcomeovertoday.”

Hisresponse?“Yes,andIhateyou!”

I stayed calm and said, “Sweetie, I know this is upsetting, but there’s just not
time to have Ryan over

today.We’remeetingyourgrandparentsfordinnerina

littlewhile.”

Inresponse,hecurledtighterandmovedasfaraway

frommeaspossible.“Isaidgetawayfromme!”

Iwentthroughaseriesofstrategies,theoneswe’ve

been discussing in the previous chapters. I comforted,

using nonverbal connection. I tried to relate to his

changing,changeable,complexbrain.Ichasedthewhy

and thought about the how of my communication. I

validated his feelings. I tried to engage in a

collaborative dialogue and reframed my no, o ering a

playdatethenextday.Butatthatmoment,hecouldn’t
calmdownandwasn’treadytoletmehelphiminany

way.Noamountofconnectiondidthetrick.

Moments like these highlight a reality that’s important for

parentstounderstand:sometimesthere’sjustnothingwecandoto

“ x”thingswhenourkidsarehavingahardtime.Wecanworkto

staycalmandloving.Wecanbefullypresent.Wecanaccessthe

fullmeasure of our creativity. And still, we may not be able to

makethingsbetterrightaway.Sometimesallwehavetoo eris

our presence as our children move through the emotions. When kids clearly
communicate that they want to be alone, we can

respectwhattheyfeeltheyneedinordertocalmdown.

Thisdoesn’tmeanwe’dleaveachildcryingaloneinhisroomfor

long periods of time. And it doesn’t mean we don’t keep trying di

erentstrategieswhenourchildneedsourhelp.InTina’scase,

she ended up sending her husband into her son’s room, and the
changeofdynamichelpedhimbegintocalmsome,sothatlaterhe

and his mom could come back together and talk about what

happened.Butforafewminutes,allTinacoulddowassay,“I’m here if you need

me,” then leave him in his room for a few minutes,shutthedoorwiththeanti-
Momsignonit,andlethim

rideitoutthewayheneededto,onhisowntimingandinhisown

way.

The same goes for sibling con ict. The ideal is to help each sibling return to a
good state of mind, then work with them, individually or together, and teach
them good relational and conversation skills. But there are times this just
isn’t possible. If evenjustoneofthemisemotionallydysregulated,itcanprevent
anything like a peaceful resolution, since reactivity is trumping
receptivity.Sometimesthebestyoucandoisseparatethemuntil

youcanallcometogetheragainonceeveryonehascalmeddown.

And if cruel fate decrees that you’re all trapped in the minivan when the con
ict erupts, you may just need to explicitly

acknowledgethatthingsarenotgoingwellandturnupthemusic.

In doing so, you’re not surrendering. You’re just acknowledging

thatatthismoment,e ectivedisciplineisn’tgoingtohappen.In

caseslikethis,youcansay,“Thisisn’tagoodtimeforustotalk

thisthrough.You’rebothmad,andI’mmad,solet’sjustlistento

some Fleetwood Mac.” (OK, maybe that’s not the best choice in
musictowinyourkidsover,butyougettheidea.)

We, Dan and Tina, are both trained child and adolescent

psychotherapistswhowritebooksaboutparenting.Peoplecometo

us for advice on how to handle problems when their kids are

struggling.Andwewanttomakeitclearthatforus,likeyou,there

are times when there just isn’t a magic wand we can wave to

magicallytransportourkidstopeaceandhappiness.Sometimesthe

bestwecandoistocommunicateourlove,beavailablewhenthey

do want us close, and then talk about the situation when they’re ready. It’s
just like the Serenity Prayer says: “May I have the
couragetochangethethingsIcan,theserenitytoacceptthethings
Ican’t,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.”

Sothat’sour rstmessageasweconcludethebook:sometimes

there’snomagicwand.Anditdoesn’tmakeyouabadparentifyou

doyourbest,andyourchildstaysupset.

SecondMessageofHope:YourKidsBenefitEvenWhenYouMessUp

Just as it doesn’t make you a bad parent if your discipline

techniquesaren’talwayse ectiveinthemoment,you’realsonota

badparentifyoumakemistakesonaregularbasis.Whatyouare

ishuman.

Thefactisthatnoneofusareperfect,especiallywhenitcomes

time to deal with our kids’ behavior. Sometimes we handle

ourselves well and feel proud of how loving, understanding, and

patientweremain.Atothertimes,welowerourselvestoourkids’

levelandresorttothechildishnessthatupsetusinthefirstplace.

Oursecondmessageofhopeisthatwhenyourespondtoyour

kidsfromaless-than-optimalplace,youcantakeheart:mostlikely

you’restillprovidingthemwithallkindsofvaluableexperiences.

For example, have you ever found yourself so frustrated with your kids that
you call out, a good bit louder than you need to,
“That’sit!Thenextonewhocomplainsaboutwherethey’resitting

in the car can walk!” Or maybe, when your eight-year-old pouts

andcomplainsallthewaytoschoolbecauseyoumadeherpractice
the piano, you deliver these sarcastic and biting words as she
departstheminivan:“Ihopeyouhaveagreatday,nowthatyou’ve

ruinedthewholemorning.”

Obviously, these aren’t examples of optimal parenting. And if

you’relikeus,youcanbehardonyourselfforthetimesyoudon’t

handlethingslikeyouwishyouhad.

So here’s hope: those not-so-great parenting moments are not

necessarilysuchbadthingsforourkidstohavetogothrough.In
fact,they’reactuallyincrediblyvaluable.

Why? Because our messy, human, parental responses give kids

opportunitiestodealwithdi cultsituationsandthereforedevelop

newskills.Theyhavetolearntocontrolthemselveseventhough

theirparentisn’tdoingsuchagreatjobofcontrollingherself.Then

theygettoseeyoumodelhowtoapologizeandmakethingsright.

They experience that when there is con ict and argument, there
canberepair,andthingsbecomegoodagain.Thishelpsthemfeel

safeandnotsoafraidinfuturerelationships;theylearntotrust,

and even expect, that calm and connection will follow con ict.

Plus, they learn that their actions a ect other people’s emotions and behavior.
Finally, they see that you’re not perfect, so they won’t expect themselves to
be, either. That’s a lot of important
lessonstolearnfromoneparent’sloud,impulsivedeclarationthat

he’s sending back all the presents because his kids complained
abouthavingtohelpputuptheholidaydecorations.
Abuse,ofcourse,isdi erent,whetherphysicalorpsychological.

Orifyou’resigni cantlyharmingtherelationshiporscaringyour

child, then the experience can result in substantially harmful e ects. These
are toxic ruptures, and ruptures without repair. If you
ndyourselfinthatsituationrepeatedly,youshouldseekthe

help of a professional right away in order to make whatever

changesarenecessarysothatyourchildrenaresafeandknowthat

theyareprotected.

Butaslongasyounurturetherelationshipandrepairwithyour

childafterward(moreaboutthatbelow),thenyoucancutyourself

someslackandknowthateventhoughyoumightwishyou’ddone

things di erently, you’ve still given your child a valuable

experience,bylearningtheimportanceofrepairandreconnection.

We hope it’s obvious that we’re not saying that parents should
intentionallyruptureaconnectionorthatweshouldn’taimforthe

bestwhenwerespondtoourkidsinahigh-stresssituation(orany
othertime).Themorelovingandnurturingwecanbe,thebetter.

Thosenon-idealmomentsofnon-optimalinteractionswillhappen

to all of us, even those of us who write books on this subject.

We’re just saying that we can o er grace and forgiveness to

ourselves when we’re not acting as we’d like to, because even
thosesituationsprovidemomentsofvalueaswell.Havingagoal,
an intention in mind, is important. And being kind to ourselves, havingself-
compassion,isessentialnotonlytocreateaninternal

sanctuary, but also to o er our children a role model for being

kindtothemselvesaswellastoothers.Theseexperienceswithus

give our kids opportunities to learn important lessons that will

preparethemforfuturecon ictandrelationships,andeventeach

themhowtolove.How’sthatforhope?

ThirdMessageofHope:YouCanAlwaysReconnect

There’snowaywecanavoidexperiencingcon ictwithourkids.

It’s going to happen, sometimes multiple times per day.

Misunderstandings, arguments, con icting desires, and other

breakdowns in communication will lead to a rupture in the

relationship.Rupturescanresultfromcon ictaroundalimitthat

you’re setting. Maybe you decide to enforce a bedtime or keep

yourchildfromseeingamovieyou’vedecidedisn’tgoodforhim.

Ormaybeyourdaughterthinksyou’retakinghersister’ssideinan

argument,orshegetsfrustratedthatyouwon’tplayanothergame

ofChutesandLadders.

Whateverthereason,rupturesoccur.Sometimestheyarebigger,

sometimessmaller.Butthere’snowaytoavoidthem.Eachchild

presentsauniquechallengetomaintainingattunedconnection,one

thatdependsonourownissues,onourchild’stemperament,onthe
matchbetweenourhistoryandourchild’scharacteristics,andon
whomourchildmayremindusofinourownun-worked-through past.

Inmostofouradultrelationships,ifwemessup,weeventually

ownuptoit,oraddressitinsomeway,andthenmakeamends.

But many parents, when it comes to their relationship with their child, just
ignore the rupture and never address it. This can be
confusingandhurtfulforchildren,justlikeitcanbeforadults.Can

youimaginesomeoneyoucareaboutbeingreactiveandtalkingto

you really rudely, then never bringing it up again and just

pretendingitneverhappened?Thatwouldn’tfeelgreat,wouldit?

It’sthesameforourkids.

What’s key, then, is that you repair any breach in the

relationship as quickly as possible. You want to restore a

collaborative, nurturing connection with your child. Ruptures without repair

leave both parent and child feeling disconnected.

And if that disconnection is prolonged—and especially if it’s associated with

your anger, hostility, or rage—then toxic shame and humiliation can grow in
the child, damaging her emerging
senseofselfandherstateofmindabouthowrelationshipswork.

It’s therefore vital that we make a timely reconnection with our

kidsafterthere’sbeenarupture.

It’sourresponsibilityasparentstodothis.Maybewereconnect

by granting forgiveness, or by asking for it (“I’m sorry. I think I

wasjustreactingbecauseI’mextratiredtoday.ButIknowIdidn’t
handlemyselfverywell.I’lllistenifyouwanttotalkaboutwhat
that was like for you”). Maybe laughter’s involved, maybe tears
(“Well,thatdidn’tgoverywell,didit?Anyonecaretoplayback

for me how crazy I was?”). Maybe there’s just a quick

acknowledgment (“I didn’t handle that how I would have liked.

Willyouforgiveme?”).Howeverithappens,makeithappen.By

repairingandreconnectingassoonaswecan,andinasincereand

loving manner, we reconnect and send the message that the

relationshipmattersmorethanwhatevercausedthecon ict.Plus, in reconnecting
with our kids, we model for them a crucial skill
thatwillallowthemtoenjoymuchmoremeaningfulrelationships

astheygrowup.

So that’s the third message of hope: we can always reconnect.

Eventhoughthere’snomagicwand,ourkidswilleventuallysoften

andcalmdown.They’lleventuallybereadytosenseourpositive

intentions and receive our love and comfort. When they do, we
reconnect.Andeventhoughwe’regoingtomessupasparentsover

and over again because we are human, we can always go to our

kidsandrepairthebreach.
Intheend,then,itallcomesbacktoconnection.Yes,wewant

toredirect.Wewanttoteach.Ourchildrenneedustohelpthem

learnhowtofocustheirdesiresinpositiveways;howtorecognize

and deal with limits and boundaries; how to discover what it

meanstobehumanandtobemoral,ethical,empathic,kind,and

giving. So yes, redirection is crucial. But ultimately, it’s your

relationshipwithyourchildthatmustalwaysstayattheforefront

of your mind. Put any particular behavior on the back burner, and
keepyourrelationshipwithyourchildalwaysonthefrontburner. Once
thatrelationshiphasbeenrupturedinanyway,reconnectassoon aspossible.
FourthMessageofHope:It’sNeverTooLatetoMakeaPositive Change Our
nalmessageforyouisthemosthopefulofall:it’snevertoo

late to make a positive change. Having read this book, you may
nowfeelthatyourdisciplineapproachuptothispointhasatleast

partiallyruncountertowhat’sbestforyourchildren.Perhapsyou

feel that you’re undermining your relationship with them by the

wayyoudiscipline.Ormaybeyourealizethatyou’reoverlooking

andmissingoutonopportunitiestobuildthepartsoftheirbrains

that will help them achieve optimal growth. You might now see that you’re
using disciplinary strategies that are simply not e ective, are just contributing
to more drama and frustration in
yourfamily,andareactuallykeepingyoufromenjoyingyourkids

becauseyouenduphavingtodealwiththesamebehaviorsover

andover.

If any of that’s the case, have hope. It’s not too late.

Neuroplasticity,aswe’vesaid,showsusthatthebrainisamazingly

changeableandadaptiveacrossalifetime.Youcanchangetheway

you discipline at any age—yours or your child’s. No-Drama

Disciplineshowsyouhow.Notbyo eringaformulatofollow.Not

byprovidingamagicwandthatwillsolveeveryproblemandmake

youaparentwhonevermissesthemark.Thehopecomesinthat

you now have principles that can guide you toward disciplining your
children in ways you can feel good about. You now have

accesstostrategiesthatactuallysculptthebraininpositiveways,
allow your kids to be emotionally intelligent and make good

choices, strengthen your relationship with them, and help them

becomethekindofpeopleyouwantthemtobe.

When you respond to your kids with connection—even and

especially when they do something that frustrates you—you put your

primary focus not on punishment or obedience, but on

honoring both your child and the relationship. So the next time your toddler
throws a tantrum, your second grader punches his sister, or your middle
schooler talks back, you can choose to respondinaNo-Drama,Whole-
Brainfashion.Youcanbeginwith

connection,thenmoveontoredirectionstrategiesthatteachkids

personalinsight,relationalempathy,andtheimportanceoftaking

responsibilityforthetimestheymessup.

Along the way, you can be more intentional about how you

activate certain circuits of your kids’ brains. Neurons that re together wire
together. The circuitry that is repeatedly activated will be strengthened and
further developed. So the question is, which part of your kids’ brains do you
want to strengthen?

Discipline with harshness, shouting, arguments, punishment, and rigidity,

and you’ll activate the downstairs, reactive part of your
child’sbrain,strengtheningthatcircuitryandprimingittobeeasily activated. Or
discipline with calm, loving connection, and you’ll activate the re ective,
receptive, regulating mindsight circuitry, strengthening and developing the
upstairs section of the brain to create insight, empathy, integration, and
repair. Rightnow,inthis
moment,youcancommittogivingyourchildrenthesevaluabletools.

You can help them develop this increased capacity to regulate

themselves,tomakegoodchoices,andtohandlethemselveswel —even inchal
engingtimes,andevenwhenyou’renotaround.

You’renotgoingtobeperfect,andyou’renotgoingtodiscipline

fromaNo-Drama,Whole-Brainperspectiveeverytimeyougetthe

chance.Neitherdowe.Nobodydoes.

Butyoucandecidethatyou’lltakestepsinthatdirection.And

everystepyoutake,you’llgiveyourkidsthegiftofaparentwho

is increasingly committed to their lifelong success and happiness,

andtomakingthemhappy,healthy,andfullythemselves.

FurtherResources

Clickhere to download a PDF of Connect and Redirect Refrigerator Sheet

CONNECTANDREDIRECTREFRIGERATORS
HEET
No-DramaDiscipline

byDanielJ.Siegel,M.D.,andTinaPayneBryson,Ph.D.

FIRST,CONNECT

•Whyconnectfirst?

• Shortterm benefit: It moves a child from reactivity to receptivity.

• Long-termbenefit: Itbuildsachild’sbrain.

• Relationalbenefit: It deepens your relationship with your child.

•No-Dramaconnectionprinciples

• Turn down the “shark music”: Let go of the background

noisecausedbypastexperiencesandfuturefears.

• Chasethewhy: Insteadoffocusingonlyonbehavior,look

forwhat’s behind theactions:“Whyismychildactingthis

way?Whatismychildcommunicating?”

• Thinkaboutthehow: Whatyousayisimportant.Butjust

asimportant,ifnotmoreimportant,is how yousayit.

•TheNo-Dramaconnectioncycle:helpyourchildfeelfelt

• Communicate comfort: By getting below your child’s eye

level,thengivingalovingtouch,anodofthehead,oran empathic look, you can
often quickly defuse a heated
situation.

• Validate: Even when you don’t like the behavior,

acknowledgeandevenembracefeelings.

• Stop talking and listen: When your child’s emotions are

exploding,don’texplain,lecture,ortryto talk her out of

her feelings. Just listen, looking for the meaning and

emotionsyourchildiscommunicating.

• Reflect what you hear: Once you’ve listened, reflect back what you’ve
heard, letting your kids know you’ve heard

them. That leads back to communicating comfort, and

thecyclerepeats.

THEN,REDIRECT

•1-2-3discipline,theNo-Dramaway

• One definition: Discipline is teaching. Ask the three

questions:

1.Whydidmychildactthisway?(Whatwashappening

internally/emotionally?)

2.WhatlessondoIwanttoteach?

3.HowcanIbestteachit?

•Twoprinciples:

1.Waituntilyourchildisready(andyouare,too).
2.Beconsistentbutnotrigid.

•Threemindsightoutcomes:

1 . Insight: Help kids understand their own feelings and

theirresponsestodifficultsituations.

2 . Empathy: Give kids practice re ecting on how their actionsimpactothers.

3. Repair: Askkidswhattheycandotomakethingsright.

•No-Dramaredirectionstrategies

•Reducewords

•Embraceemotions

•Describe,don’tpreach

•Involveyourchildinthediscipline

•Reframeanointoayeswithconditions

•Emphasizethepositive

•Creativelyapproachthesituation

•Teachmindsighttools

WHENAPARENTINGEXPERTLOSESIT

You’reNottheOnlyOne

Just because we write books about parenting and discipline

doesn’tmeantherearen’ttimeswhenwemessupwithourown

kids.Herearetwostories—onefromeachofus—that,whilepretty

funnyinretrospect,showthatthereactivebraincangetusall.
Dan’s“CrepesofWrath”Moment(adaptedfromDan’sbook Mindsight)

Onedaymythirteen-year-oldson,mynine-year-olddaughter,and

Istoppedintoasmallshopforasnackafteramovie.Mydaughter

saidshewasn’thungry,andsomysonorderedasmallcrepefor

himself from the counter and we sat down. The simple crepe

arrived,aromaswaftingfromtheopenkitchenbehindthecounter

where my son had placed his order. After my son took his rst
forkfulofcrepe,mydaughteraskedifshecouldtrysome.Myson

looked at the small crepe and said that he was hungry and she
couldorderherown.Itwasareasonablesuggestion,Ithought,soI

o eredtogetanothercrepeforher—butshesaidshewantedonly

asmallbitetoseehowittasted.Thatalsoseemedreasonable,soI

suggestedthatmysonshareapiecewithhissister.

Ifyouhavemorethanonechildathome,orifyou’vegrownup

withabrotherorsister,youmaybeveryfamiliarwiththegameof

sibling chess, an ever-present strategy match composed of

movementsaimedtoassertpowerandachieveparentalrecognition

and approval. But even if this was not such a sibling assertion
game,thesmallcostofbuyingtheadditionalcrepefromthislittle

family-runcrepeshopwouldhavebeenquiteasimpleonetopay

to avoid what you may guess was about to happen. Instead of

makingthepurchase,Imadeaparentalblunderandtooksidesin

thissiblinggame.I rmlyinsistedthatmysonsharehiscrepewith

hissister.Ifthiswasnotasiblingchessmatchbefore,itcertainly

becameoneafterIsteppedintotheirinteraction.

“Whydon’tyoujustgiveherasmallpiecesoshecanseehowit

tastes?”Iurged.

Helookedatme,thenathiscrepe,andwithasighhegavein.

Evenasayoungteenagerhewasstilllisteningtome.Then,using

hisknifelikeascalpel,heextractedthesmallestpieceofcrepeyou

can imagine, one you’d almost need tweezers to pick up. Under other
circumstances, I might have laughed and seen this as a
creativemoveinthesiblingchessgame.

My daughter took the specimen, placed it on her napkin, and

saidthatitwastoosmall.Andthatitwas“theburntpart.”Another

greatyounger-sistermove.

Anoutsiderlookinginatusatthetablemayhaveseennothing

outoftheordinary:adadandhistwoanimatedkidsoutforsome

food. But inside, I was about to explode. When the bantering

continued,turningintoafull-blownargument,somethinginsideme

shifted.Myheadbegantospin,butItoldmyselfthatI’dremain

calmandappealtoreason.Icouldfeelmyfacetenseup,my sts
get taut, and my heart begin to beat faster, but I tried to ignore
thesesignalsthatmydownstairsbrainwashijackingtheupstairs.

Thatwasitforme.

Feeling overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of the whole

encounter,Igotup,tookmydaughter’shand,andwentoutsideto

waitonthesidewalkinfrontoftheshopuntilmyson nishedhis

crepe.Afewminuteslaterheemergedandaskedwhywehadleft.

AsIstormedo towardthecar,mydaughterintowandmyson

hurrying to keep up, I told them that they should learn to share
theirfoodwitheachother.Hepointedoutinamatter-of-facttone

thathedidgiveherapiece,butbythenIwasboilingoverwith

frustration, and at that point there was no turning o the heat under the kettle.
We got to the car, and, red up, I ignited the engine and away we went
toward home. They had been normal

siblingsoutformoviesandasnack.Ibecameafatheroutofmy

mind.

Icouldn’tletitgo.Sittingnexttomeinthepassengerseat,my

son countered everything I came up with by some rational,

measuredresponse,asanyteenagerwoulddo.Infact,heseemed

quite adept at staying calm as he dealt with his now irrational father.

Inthatstate,Ibecamemoreandmoreirate,eventuallyresorting
tocursing,callinghimnames,andeventhreateningtotakeaway his beloved
guitar—all inappropriate consequences for things he didn’tevendo.
I’mnotproudtotellyouanyofthis.ButTinaandIdofeelthat

sincesuchexplosiveepisodesarequitecommon,itisessentialthat

we acknowledge their existence and help each other understand how

mindsight can diminish their negative impact on our

relationships and on our world. In our shame, we often try to

ignorethatameltdownhasoccurred.Butifweownthetruthof

whathashappened,wecannotonlybegintorepairthedamage—

which can be quite toxic to ourselves as well as to others—but actually

decrease the intensity of such events and the frequency
withwhichtheyoccur.

SowhenIgothome,IrealizedthatIneededtocalmdownand

connectwithmyson.Iknewrepairwascrucial,butmyvitalsigns

werethroughtheroof,andIhadtobringthemintobalancebefore

doing anything else. Knowing that being outside and exercising could help
alter my state of mind, I went skating with my

daughter, during which time she helped me regain mindsight. I achieved

more personal insight (recognizing that I reacted to my son the way I didat
least partially because I was unconsciously
identifyinghimwithmyownolderbrother)andempathyforhow

mysonexperiencedourencounter.

When I nally cooled down after talking and skating and

re ecting,Iwenttomyson’sroomandaskedifwecouldtalk.I

saidthatIthoughtIhadgoneo thedeepend,andthatitwould

behelpfulforustodiscusswhathadhappened.Hetoldmethathe
thoughtIwastooprotectiveofhissister.Hewasabsolutelyright.

Although the embarrassment of having become irrational created

anurgetospeakuptodefendmyselfandmyreactions,Ijustkept

quiet. My son went on to tell me that my getting “upset” was

unnecessarybecausehereallyhadn’tdoneanythingwrong.Hewas right. Again I
felt a defensive urge to lecture him about sharing.

ButIremindedmyselftoremainre ectiveandfocusonmyson’s

experience, not mine. The essential stance here was not to judge
whowasright,buttobeacceptingandreceptivetohim.Youcan

imagine that this all required mindsight, for sure. I was thankful
myprefrontalregionwasbackatwork.

Afterlisteningtohim,IacknowledgedthatIhadinfacttakenhis

sister’sside(unfairly),thatIcouldseehowthisfeltunjusttohim,

andthatmyexplosionseemedirrational—becauseinfactitwas.As

anexplanation—notanexcuse—Ilethimknowwhathadhappened

inmymind,seeinghimasasymbolofmybrother,sothatweboth

couldmakesenseofthewholeencounter.EventhoughIprobably

lookedawkwardandclumsyinhisteenagemind,Icouldtellthat

he knew my commitment to our relationship was deep and my

e ort to repair the damage was genuine. My mindsight had

returned,ourtwomindsconnectedagain,andourrelationshipwas

backontrack.
TinaThreatensanAmputation
Whenmyoldestchildwasthreeyearsold,hehitmeoneday.Asa

young and idealistic parent who, at that time, believed that my

bestalternativewastohavearationalconversationwithathree—

year-oldinwhichhewouldmagicallyseethingsfrommypointof

view,Iguidedhimtothebottomofourstairway,satnexttohim,

and smiled. I lovingly(and naively) said, “Hands are for helping

andloving,notforhurting.”

WhileIwasutteringthistruism,hehitmeagain.

SoItriedtheempathyapproach.Stillnaive,myvoiceperhaps

sounding a bit less loving, I said, “Ouch! That hurts Mommy. Be

gentlewithmybody.”

Atwhichpointhehitmeagain.

Ithentriedamore rmapproach:“HittingisnotOK.Wedon’t

hit.Ifyou’remad,youneedtouseyourwords.”

Yup,youguessedit.Hehitmeagain.

Iwaslost.IfeltIneededtouptheante,butIdidn’tknowhow.

Inmymostpowerfulvoice,Isaid,“Nowyou’reintime-outatthe

top ofthestairs.”(Thetechnical,scienti ctermforthisparenting strategy is

“Flying by the seat of your pants.” Not exactly intentionalparenting.)

Imarchedhimtothetopofourstairs.Hewasprobablythinking,
“Cool! We’ve never done this before … . I wonder what will

happennextifIkeephittingher?”

At the top of the stairs, I bent over at the waist, my nger

wagging,andsaid, “Nomorehitting!”

Hedidn’thitmeagain.

Hekickedmeintheshin.

(As he points out these days when we retell the story, he was
technicallyobeyingmyno-hittinginstructions.)

Atthismomentvirtuallyallofmyself-controlwasgone,aswere

anyviableoptionsIcouldthinkof.Igrabbedhisarmandpulled

himintomyroomatthetopofthestairs,yelling,“Nowyou’rein

time-outinMommyandDaddy’sroom!”

Again,Ihadnostrategy,noplanorapproach.Andasaresult,

my young son continued to escalate the situation while his

increasinglyred-facedmotheryankedhimfromlocationtolocation

inthehouse.

By this point I was by turns cajoling, scolding, commanding,

reacting,andreasoning(waaaaytoomuchtalking):“Youmaynot

hurtMommy.Hittingandkickingarenothowwedothingsinour

family….Blahblahblah…”

Andthat’swhenhemadehisbiggestmistake.Hestuckouthis
tongueatme.

Inresponse,myrational,empathic,responsible,problemsolving
upstairsbrainwashijackedbymyprimitive,reactive,downstairs
brain,andIyelled, “Ifyoustickthattongueoutonemoretime,I’m
goingtoripitoutofyourmouth!”

Incaseyou’rewondering,neitherDannorIrecommendinany

circumstance threatening to remove any of your children’s body

parts.Thiswasnotagoodparentingmoment.

Anditwasn’te ectivediscipline,either.Mysondroppedtothe

ground,crying.I’dscaredhim,andhekeptsaying,“You’reamean

mommy!” He wasn’t thinking about his own behavior at all—he

wassolelyfocusedon my misbehavior.

What I did next was probably the only thing I did right in the
wholeinteraction,andit’sessentialeachtimewehavethesetypes

of ruptures in our relationship with our children: I repaired with him. I

immediately realized how awful I’d been in that reactive,
angrymoment.IfanyoneelsehadtreatedmychildasIjusthad,I

would’vecomeunglued.Ikneltdownandjoinedmyyoungsonon

the oor,heldhimclose,andtoldhimhowsorryIwas.Ilethim

talk about how much he didn’t like what had just occurred. We
retoldthestorytomakesenseofitforhimandIcomfortedhim.

IusuallygetbiglaughswhenItellthisstorybecauseparentsso

identifywiththistypeofamoment,andIthinktheyenjoyhearing

thataparentingexpertcantotallyloseit,too.AsIexplaintomy
audiences, we need to be patient, understanding, and forgiving— not only
with our children, but with ourselves as well. (People
alwaysaskwhatIwoulddodi erentlynow.SeeChapter6, where we discuss
addressing toddler misbehavior in four steps—with illustrations!)

Though these stories are a bit embarrassing to relate, we o er

themas(yes,humorous)evidencethatweareallpotentiallyprone

to such downstairs disintegrations when we lose control and

handleourselves poorly. Episodes like these shouldn’t become a
regularoccurrence,though.Ifyou ndyourselfrepeatedlylosingit

in intense ways, we recommend that you consider seeking

professional help to assist you in making sense of your own

emotional needs or woundings that may be contributing to

frequentlyreactivewaysofrelatingtoyourchildren.Butifyougo

downthelowroadonlyeverysooften,asmostofusdo,that’sjust

part of parenting. The key is recognizing when these moments

happen,puttinganendtothemasquicklyaspossibletominimize

thehurttheycause,andthenmakingarepair.Weneedtoregain

whatwastrulylost—mindsight—andthenuseinsightandempathy

to reconnect with ourselves and repair with those for whom we

caresodeeply.

ANOTETOOURCHILD’SCAREGIVERS
OurDisciplineApproachinaNutshell
Youareanimportantpersoninthelifeofourchildorchildren.

You’re helping determine who they’re becoming by shaping

theirhearts,theircharacter,andeventhestructuresoftheirbrains!

Because we share this incredible privilege and responsibility of teaching

them how to make good choices and how to be kind,

successfulhumanbeings,wewanttoalsosharewithyouhowwe

handlebehavioralchallenges,inhopesthatwecanworktogether

to give our children a consistent, e ective experience when it

comestodiscipline.

Herearetheeightbasicprinciplesthatguideus:

1. Disciplineisessential. Webelievethatlovingourkidsandgiving them what

they need includes setting clear and consistent
boundariesandholdinghighexpectationsforthem—allofwhich

helps them achieve success in relationships and other areas of theirlives.

2 . E ective discipline depends on a loving, respectful relationship

betweenadultandchild. Disciplineshouldneverincludethreatsor humiliation,
cause physical pain, scare children, or make them
feelthattheadultistheenemy.Disciplineshouldfeelsafeand

lovingtoeveryoneinvolved.

3. The goal of discipline is to teach. We use discipline moments to

buildskillssokidscanhandlethemselvesbetternowandmake
betterdecisionsinthefuture.Thereareusuallybetterwaysto
teach than giving immediate consequences. Instead of

punishment,weencouragecooperationfromourkidsbyhelping them think

about their actions, and by being creative and
playful.Wesetlimitsbyhavingaconversationtohelpdevelop

awarenessandskillsthatleadtobetterbehaviorbothtodayand

tomorrow.

4. The rststepindisciplineistopayattentiontokids’emotions. When children

misbehave, it’s usually the result of not handling big
feelingswellandnotyethavingtheskillstomakegoodchoices.

Sobeingattentivetotheemotionalexperience behindabehavior

isjustasimportantasthebehavioritself.Infact,scienceshows

that addressing kids’ emotional needs is actually the most

e ective approach to changing behavior over time, as well as developing

their brains in ways that allow them to handle

themselvesbetterastheygrowup.

5. Whenchildrenareupsetorthrowinga t,that’swhentheyneedus most. We need

to show them we are there for them, and that
we’llbethereforthemattheirabsoluteworst.Thisishowwe

buildtrustandafeelingofoverallsafety.

6. Sometimesweneedtowaituntilchildrenarereadytolearn. Ifkids
areupsetoroutofcontrol,that’stheworsttimetotrytoteach
them.Thosebigemotionsareevidencethatourchildrenneedus.

Our rst job is to help them calm down, so they can regain

controlandhandlethemselveswell.
7. The way we help them be ready to learn is to connect with them.

Beforeweredirecttheirbehavior,weconnectandcomfort.Just

like we soothe them when they are physically hurt, we do the

samewhenthey’reemotionallyupset.Wedothisbyvalidating

their feelings and by giving them lots of nurturing empathy.

Beforeweteach,weconnect.

8. After connecting, we redirect. Once they’ve felt that connection

withus,kidswillbemorereadytolearn,sowecane ectively
redirectthemandtalkwiththemabouttheirbehavior.Whatdo we hope to
accomplish when we redirect and set limits? We

want our kids to gain insight into themselves, empathy for

others, and the ability to make things right when they make

mistakes.

Forus,disciplinecomesdowntoonesimplephrase: Connectand

redirect. Our rst response should always be to o er soothing

connection;thenwecanredirectbehaviors. Evenwhenwesaynoto
children’sbehavior,wealwayswanttosayyestotheiremotions,andto
thewaytheyexperiencethings.

TWENTYDISCIPLINEMISTAKES
EvenGreatParentsMake
Becausewe’re always parentingourchildren,ittakesreale ort
tolookatourdisciplinestrategiesobjectively.Goodintentions
canbereplacedbyless-than-e ectivehabitsquickly,andthatcan

leaveusoperatingblindly,disciplininginwaysthatmightnotbring

outourbest—orthebestinourchildren.Herearesomecommon

disciplinemistakesmadebyeventhebest-intentioned,mostwell—

informed parents. These mistakes crop up when we lose sight of ourNo-

Drama,Whole-Braingoals.Keepingtheminmindcanhelp

ustoavoidthemortostepbackwhenwestartheadingdownthe

lowroad.

1.Ourdisciplinebecomesconsequence-basedinsteadofteaching-
based.
The goal of discipline is not to make sure that each infraction is
immediatelymetwithaconsequence.Therealgoalistoteachour

children how to live well in the world. But many times we

disciplineonautopilot,andwefocussomuchontheconsequences

that those become the end goal, the entire focus. So when you discipline,
ask yourself what your real objective is. Then nd a
creativewaytoteachthatlesson.Youcanprobably ndabetter

waytoteachitwithoutevenusingconsequencesatall.

2.Wethinkthatifwe’redisciplining,wecan’tbewarmandnurturing.

It really is possible to be calm, loving, and nurturing while

discipliningyourchild.Infact,it’simportanttocombineclearand consistent
boundaries with loving empathy. Don’t underestimate how powerful a kind
tone of voice can be as you have a

conversation with your child about the behavior you want to

change.Ultimately,you’retryingtoremainstrongandconsistentin

yourdisciplinewhilestillinteractingwithyourchildinawaythat

communicates warmth, love, respect, and compassion. These two

aspectsofparentingcanandshouldcoexist.
3.Weconfuseconsistencywithrigidity.
Consistency means working from a reliable and coherent

philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of them. It

doesn’tmeanmaintaininganunswervingdevotiontosomesortof

arbitrarysetofrules.Soattimesyoumightmakeexceptionstothe

rules,turnablindeyetosomesortofminorinfraction,orcutyour

childsomeslack.
4.Wetalktoomuch.
Whenkidsarereactiveandhavingahardtimelistening,weoften

needtojustbequiet.Whenwetalkandtalkatourupsetchildren,

it’s usually counterproductive. We’re just giving them a lot of

sensoryinputthatcanfurtherdysregulatethem.Instead,usemore

nonverbalcommunication.Holdthem.Rubtheirshoulders.Smile

oro erempathicfacialexpressions.Nod.Then,whentheybegin

tocalmdownandarereadytolisten,youcanredirectbybringing

in the words and addressing the issue on a more verbal, logical level.

5.Wefocustoomuchonthebehaviorandnotenoughonthe why

behindthebehavior.

Any good doctor knows that a symptom is only a sign that

something else needs to be addressed. Children’s misbehavior is

usuallyasymptomofsomethingelse.Itwillkeepoccurringifwe

don’t connect with our kids’ feelings and their subjective

experiencesthatleadtothebehavior.Thenexttimeyourchildacts

out, put on your Sherlock Holmes hat and look through the behavior to see
what feelings—curiosity, anger, frustration, exhaustion,hunger,andsoon—
mightbecausingthebehavior.

6.Weforgettofocuson howwesaywhatwesay.

What we say to our kids matters. Of course it does. But just as importantis
how wesayit.Althoughit’snoteasy,wewanttoaim
forbeingkindandrespectfuleverytimewecommunicatewithour

kids.Wewon’talwaysbeabletohitthismark,butthatshouldbe

ourgoal.

7.Wecommunicatethatourkidsshouldn’texperiencebigor
negativefeelings.
When your child reacts intensely when something doesn’t go his
way,doyouevershutdownthatreaction?Wedon’tmeanto,but

parentscanoftensendthemessagethatwe’reinterestedinbeing

with our kids only if they’re happy, and not when they’re

expressing negative emotions. We may say things like, “When

you’rereadytobenice,thenyoucanrejointhefamily.”Instead,

wewanttocommunicatethatwewillbethereforthem,evenat

theirabsoluteworst.Evenaswesaynotocertainbehaviorsorto

howcertainfeelingsgetexpressed,wewanttosayyestoourkids’

emotions.

8.Weoverreact,soourkidsfocusonouroverreaction,nottheirown actions.

When we overshoot the mark with our discipline—if we’re

punitive, or we’re too harsh, or we react too intensely—our

childrenstopfocusingontheirownbehaviorandfocusinsteadon

howmeanorunfairtheyfeelweare.Sodowhateveryoucanto

avoidbuildingmountainsoutofmolehills.Addressthemisbehavior

andremoveyourchildfromthesituationifyouneedto,thengive

yourself time to calm down before saying much, so you can be calm and
thoughtful when you respond. Then you can keep the
focusonyourchild’sactionsratherthanyourown.

9.Wedon’trepair.

There’snowaywecanavoidexperiencingcon ictwithourkids.

Andthere’snowaywe’llalwaysbeontopofourgameinhowwe

handleourselves.We’llbeimmature,reactive,andunkindattimes.

What’smostimportantisthatweaddressourownmisbehaviorand

repair the breach in the relationship as soon as possible, most likelybyo

eringandaskingforforgiveness.Byrepairingassoon

as we can in a sincere and loving manner, we model for our

children a crucial skill that will allow them to enjoy much more
meaningfulrelationshipsastheygrowup.

10.Welaydownthelawinanemotional,reactivemoment,then

realizewe’veoverreacted.

Sometimes our pronouncements can be a bit “supersized”: “You

can’tgoswimmingfortherestofthesummer!”Inthesemoments,

giveyourselfpermissiontorectifythesituation.Obviously,followthrough is
important or you’ll lose credibility. But you can be
consistentandstillgetoutofthebind.Forexample,youcano er

the“onemorechance”cardbysaying,“Ididn’tlikewhatyoudid,
butI’mgoingtogiveyouanothertryathandlingthingstheright
way.”Youcanalsoadmitthatyouoverreacted:“Igotmadearlier,

andIwasn’tthinkingthingsthroughverywell.I’vethoughtabout

itagainandI’vechangedmymind.”
11.Weforgetthatourchildrenmaysometimesneedourhelpmaking
goodchoicesorcalmingthemselvesdown.
When our kids begin to get out of control, the temptation is to
demandthatthey“stopthatrightnow.”Butsometimes,especially

inthecaseofsmallchildren,theyactuallymaynotevenbe capable of
immediately calming themselves down. That means you may

needtomoveinandhelpthemmakegoodchoices.The rststepis

to connect with your child—with both words and nonverbal

communication—tohelphimunderstandthatyou’reawareofhis

frustration.Onlyafterthisconnectionwillhebepreparedforyou

toredirecthimtowardmakingbetterchoices.Remember,weoften

needtowaitbeforerespondingtomisbehavior.Whenourkidsare

out of control, that’s not the best time to rigidly enforce a rule.

Whentheyarecalmerandmorereceptive,they’llbebetterableto

learnthelessonanyway.
12.Weconsideranaudiencewhendisciplining.
Most of us worry too much about what other people think,

especiallywhenitcomestohowweparentourkids.Butit’snot

fairtoyourchildrentodisciplinedi erentlywhensomeoneelseis

watching.Infrontofin-laws,forexample,thetemptationmightbe

tobeharsherormorereactivebecauseyoufeelthatyou’rebeing

judged as a parent. So remove that temptation. Pull your child aside and
quietly talk to just him, without anyone else listening.

Notonlywillthiskeepyoufromworryinghowyousoundtothe
othersintheroom,itwillalsohelpyougetbetterfocusfromhim,
andyoucanbetterattunetohisbehaviorandneeds.
13.Wegettrappedinpowerstruggles.
When our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually ght
backortotallyshutdown.Soavoidthetrap.Considergivingyour

childanout:“Wouldyouliketogetadrink rst,andthenwe’ll

pickupthetoys?”Ornegotiate:“Let’sseeifwecan gureouta

way for both of us to get what we need.” (Obviously, there are somenon-
negotiables,butnegotiationisn’tasignofweakness;it’s

asignofrespectforyourchildandherdesires.)Youcanevenask

yourchildforhelp:“Doyouhaveanysuggestions?”Youmightbe

shockedtofindouthowmuchyourchildiswillingtobendinorder

tobringaboutapeacefulresolutiontothestandoff.

14.Wedisciplineinresponsetoourhabitsandfeelingsinsteadof
respondingtoourindividualchildinaparticularmom
ent.
Wesometimeslashoutatourchildbecausewe’retired,orbecause

that’s what our parents did, or because we’re fed up with his brother, who’s
been acting up all morning. It’s not fair, but it’s
understandable.What’scalledforistore ectonourbehavior,to

reallybeinthemomentwithourchildren,andtorespondonlyto

what’stakingplaceinthatinstant.Thisisoneofthemostdi cult

tasksofparenting,butthemorewecandoit,thebetterwecan

respondtoourkidsinlovingways.
15.Weembarrassourkidsbycorrectingtheminfronto
fothers.
When you have to discipline your child in public, consider her feelings.
(Imagine how you’d feel if your signi cant other called you out on
something in front of other people!) If possible, step out of the room, or just
pull her close and whisper. This isn’t
alwayspossible,butwhenyoucan,showyourchildtherespectof

notaddinghumiliationtowhateverelseyouneedtodotoaddress

themisbehavior.Afterall,embarrassmentwilljusttakeherfocus

o the lesson you want to teach, and she’s unlikely to hear

anythingyouwanttotellher.
16.Weassumetheworstbeforelettingourkidsexplain.
Sometimes a situation looks bad and it really is. But sometimes
thingsaren’tasbadastheyseem.Beforeloweringtheboom,listen

to your child. She may have a good explanation. It’s really

frustratingtobelieveyouhavearationaleforyouractions,yetto

have the other person say, “I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it.

There’s no reason or excuse.” Obviously, you can’t be naive, and

anyparentneedstowearhercritical-thinkingcapatalltimes.But

beforecondemningachildforwhatseemsobviousat rstblush,

nd out what she has to say. Then you can decide how best to

respond.

17.Wedismissourkids’experience.

When a child reacts strongly to a situation, especially when the

reactionseemsunwarrantedandevenridiculous,thetemptationis

tosaysomethinglike,“You’rejusttired,”“Stopfussing,”“It’snot

that big a deal,” or “Why are you crying about this?” But

statements like these minimize the child’s experience. Imagine

someonesayingoneofthesephrasestoyouifyouwereupset!It’s

much more emotionallyresponsive and e ective to listen,

empathize, and really understand your child’s experience before

yourespond.Evenifitseemsridiculoustoyou,don’tforgetthat
it’sveryrealtoyourchild,soyoudon’twanttodismisssomething
that’simportanttohim.
18.Weexpecttoomuch.
Mostparentswouldsaythattheyknowthatchildrenaren’tperfect,

butmostparentsalsoexpecttheirchildrentobehavewellallthe

time. Further, parents often expect too much of their children when it comes
to handling emotions and making good choices—
muchmorethanisdevelopmentallyappropriate.Thisisespecially

the case with a rstborn child. The other mistake we make in

expectingtoomuchisthatweassumethatjustbecauseourchild

can handle things well sometimes, she can handle things well all the time.
But especially when kids are young, their capacity to
makegooddecisionsreally uctuates.Justbecausetheycanhandle

thingswellatonetimedoesn’tmeantheycanatothertimes.

19.Welet“experts”trumpourowninstincts.

By“experts,”wemeanauthorsandothergurus,aswellasfriends

andfamilymembers.It’simportantthatweavoiddiscipliningour

kidsbasedonwhatsomeoneelsethinksweoughttodo.Fillyour

disciplinetoolboxwithinformationfromlotsofexperts(andnon—

experts),thenlistentoyourowninstinctsasyoupickandchoose

di erentaspectsofdi erentapproachesthatseemtoapplybestto

yoursituationwithyourfamilyandyouruniquechild.

20.We’retoohardonourselves.
We’ve found that it’s often the most caring and conscientious
parentswhoaretoohardonthemselves.Theywanttodiscipline

well every time their kids mess up. But it’s just not possible. So give
yourself a break. Love your kids, set clear boundaries,
disciplinewithlove,andmakeupwiththemwhenyoumessup.

Thatkindofdisciplineisgoodforeveryoneinvolved.

ANEXCERPTFROM

TheWhole-BrainChild:12RevolutionaryStrategiestoNurtureYour

Child’sDevelopingMind

byDanielJ.Siegel,M.D.,andTinaPayneBryson,Ph.D.

You’vehadthosedays,right?Whenthesleepdeprivation,the

muddy cleats, the peanut butter on the new jacket, the

homeworkbattles,thePlay-Dohinyourcomputerkeyboard,and

the refrains of “She started it!” leave you counting the minutes until
bedtime. On these days, when you (again?!!) have to pry a
raisinfromanostril,itseemslikethemostyoucanhopeforisto

survive.

However, when it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lot

higherthanmeresurvival.Ofcourseyouwanttogetthroughthose

di culttantrum-in-the-restaurantmoments.Butwhetheryou’rea

parent,grandparent,orothercommittedcaregiverinachild’slife,

your ultimate goal is to raise kids in a way that lets them thrive.
You want them to enjoy meaningful relationships, be caring and
compassionate, do well in school, work hard and be responsible,
andfeelgoodaboutwhotheyare.

Survive.Thrive.

We’vemetwiththousandsofparentsovertheyears.Whenwe

askthemwhatmattersmosttothem,versionsofthesetwogoals

almostalwaystopthelist.Theywanttosurvivedi cultparenting

moments,andtheywanttheirkidsandtheirfamilytothrive.As

parentsourselves,wesharethesesamegoalsforourownfamilies.

Inournobler,calmer,sanermoments,wecareaboutnurturingour

kids’ minds, increasing their sense of wonder, and helping them

reachtheirpotentialinallaspectsoflife.Butinthemorefrantic,

stressful, bribe-the-toddler-into-the-car-seat-so-we-can-rush-to-the-soccer-
gamemoments,sometimesallwecanhopeforistoavoid
yellingorhearingsomeonesay,“You’resomean!”

Takeamomentandaskyourself:Whatdoyoureallywantfor

yourchildren?Whatqualitiesdoyouhopetheydevelopandtake

into their adult lives? Most likely, you want them to be happy, independent,
and successful. You want them to enjoy ful lling
relationshipsandlivealifefullofmeaningandpurpose.Nowthink

about what percentage of your time you spend intentionally

developing these qualities in your children. If you’re like most

parents,youworrythatyouspendtoomuchtimejusttryingtoget

through the day (and sometimes the next ve minutes) and not
enough time creating experiences that help your children thrive,
bothtodayandinthefuture.

You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect

parentwhoneverstrugglestosurvive,whoseeminglyspendsevery

waking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTA
presidentwhocooksorganic,fullybalancedmealswhilereadingto

her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then

escortsthemtotheartmuseuminthehybridthatplaysclassical

music and mists lavender aromatherapy through the air—

conditioning vents. None of us can match up to this imaginary

superparent.Especiallywhenwefeellikealargepercentageofour

daysisspentinfull-blownsurvivalmode,wherewe ndourselves

wild-eyedandred-facedattheendofabirthdayparty,shouting,

“Ifthere’sonemoreargumentoverthatbowandarrow,nobody’s

getting any presents!”

Ifanyofthissoundsfamiliar,we’vegotgreatnewsforyou: the

momentsyouarejusttryingtosurviveareactual yopportunitiestohelp
yourchildthrive. Attimesyoumayfeelthattheloving,important
moments(likehavingameaningfulconversationaboutcompassion

or character) are separate from the parenting challenges (like ghting another
homework battle or dealing with another meltdown). But they are not
separate at all. When your child is
disrespectfulandtalksbacktoyou,whenyouareaskedtocomein

forameetingwiththeprincipal,whenyou ndcrayonscribblesall

overyourwall:thesearesurvivalmoments,noquestionaboutit.
Butatthesametime,theyareopportunities—evengifts—because

a survival moment is also athrivemoment,wheretheimportant,

meaningfulworkofparentingtakesplace.
ParentingandtheBrain
Parentsareoftenexpertsabouttheirchildren’sbodies.Theyknow

that a temperature above 98.6 degrees is a fever. They know to

cleanoutacutsoitdoesn’tgetinfected.Theyknowwhichfoods

aremostlikelytoleavetheirchildwiredbeforebedtime.

Buteventhebest-educated,mostcaringparentsoftenlackeven

basic information about their child’s brain. Isn’t this surprising?

Especially when you consider the central role the brain plays in virtually
every aspect of a child’s life that parents care about: discipline, decision
making, self-awareness, school, relationships,
andsoon.Infact,thebrainprettymuchdetermineswhoweare
andwhatwedo.Andsincethebrainitselfissigni cantlyshaped

bytheexperiencesweo erasparents,knowingaboutthewaythe

brainchangesinresponsetoourparentingcanhelpustonurturea

stronger,moreresilientbrain.

So we want to introduce you to the wholebrain perspective.

We’d like to explain some fundamental concepts about the brain and help
you apply your new knowledge in ways that will make parenting easier and
more meaningful. We’re not saying that the wholebrain approach will get
rid of all of the frustrations that comewithraisingkids.
Butbyunderstandingafewsimpleandeasy-to-master basics about how the
brain works, you’l be able to better understandyourchild,respondmoree
ectivelytodi cultsituations,
andbuildafoundationforsocial,emotional,andmentalhealth. What you do as
aparent matters, and we’ll provide you with straightforward,scienti
callybasedideasthatwillhelpyoubuilda strong relationship with your child
that can help shape his brain
wellandgivehimthebestfoundationforahealthyandhappylife.

WhatIsIntegrationandWhyDoesItMatter?

Most of us don’t think about the fact that our brain has many di erent parts
with di erent jobs. For example, you have a left side of the brain that helps
you think logically and organize
thoughtsintosentences,andarightsidethathelpsyouexperience

emotionsandreadnonverbalcues.Youalsohavea“reptilebrain”

thatallowsyoutoactinstinctuallyandmakesplit-secondsurvival

decisions,anda“mammalbrain”thatleadsyoutowardconnection

andrelationships.Onepartofyourbrainisdevotedtodealingwith

memory;anothertomakingmoralandethicaldecisions.It’salmost

as if your brain has multiple personalities—some rational, some

irrational;somere ective,somereactive.Nowonderwecanseem

likedifferentpeopleatdifferenttimes!

Thekeytothrivingistohelpthesepartsworkwelltogether—to

integrate them. Integration takes the distinct parts of your brain and helps
them work together as a whole. It’s similar to what happens in the body,
which has di erent organs to perform

di erent jobs: the lungs breathe air, the heart pumps blood, the
stomachdigestsfood.Forthebodytobehealthy,theseorgansall

needtobeintegrated.Inotherwords,theyeachneedtodotheir

individualjobwhilealsoworkingtogetherasawhole.Integration

issimplythat:linkingdi erentelementstogethertomakeawell—
functioning whole. Just as with the healthy functioning of the
body,yourbraincan’tperformatitsbestunlessitsdi erentparts

work together in a coordinated and balanced way. That’s what

integrationdoes—itcoordinatesandbalancestheseparateregions of the brain
that it links together. It’s easy to see when our kids aren’t integrated—they
become overwhelmed by their emotions,
confusedandchaotic.Theycan’trespondcalmlyandcapablytothe

situation at hand. Tantrums, meltdowns,aggression, and most of the other

challenging experiences of parenting—and life—are a
resultofalossofintegration,alsoknownas“disintegration.”

Wewanttohelpourchildrenbecomebetterintegratedsothey

canusetheirwholebraininacoordinatedway.Forexample,we

wantthemtobe horizontal yintegrated,sothattheirleft-brainlogic

canworkwellwiththeirright-brainemotion.Wealsowantthem tobe vertical
yintegrated,sothatthephysicallyhigherpartsoftheir brain, which let them
thoughtfully consider their actions, work
wellwiththelowerparts,whicharemoreconcernedwithinstinct,

gutreactions,andsurvival.

The way integration actually takes place is fascinating, and it’s something
that most people aren’t aware of. In recent years, scientists have developed
brain-scanning technology that allows researchers to study the brain in
ways that were never before possible. This new technology has con rmed
much of what we

previouslybelievedaboutthebrain.However,oneofthesurprises

that has shaken the very foundations of neuroscience is the

discovery that the brain is actually “plastic,” or moldable. This

meansthatthebrainphysicallychangesthroughoutthecourseof

ourlives,notjustinchildhood,aswehadpreviouslyassumed.
What molds our brain? Experience. Even into old age, our

experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain.

Whenweundergoanexperience,ourbraincells—calledneurons—

become active, or “ re.” The brain has one hundred billion

neurons,eachwithanaverageoftenthousandconnectionstoother

neurons. The ways in which particular circuits in the brain are activated
determines the nature of our mental activity, ranging from perceiving sights
or sounds to more abstract thought and reasoning.Whenneurons
retogether,theygrownewconnections

betweenthem.Overtime,theconnectionsthatresultfrom ring

leadto“rewiring”inthebrain.Thisisincrediblyexcitingnews.It

meansthatwearen’theldcaptivefortherestofourlivesbythe

wayourbrainworksatthismoment—wecanactuallyrewireitso

that we can be healthier and happier. This istrue not only for children and
adolescents, but also for each of us across the life span.

Right now, your child’s brain is constantly being wired and

rewired, and the experiences you provide will go a long way

towarddeterminingthestructureofherbrain.Nopressure,right?

Don’t worry, though. Nature has provided that the basic

architecture of the brain will develop well given proper food,

sleep,andstimulation.Genetics,ofcourse,playalargeroleinhow

peopleturnout,especiallyintermsoftemperament.But ndings
from various areas in developmental psychology suggest that

everythingthathappenstous—themusicwehear,thepeoplewe

love, the books we read, the kind of discipline we receive, the

emotionswefeel—profoundlya ectsthewayourbraindevelops.

In other words, on top of our basic brain architecture and our

inborntemperament,parentshavemuchtheycandotoprovidethe

kinds of experiences that will help develop a resilient, well-integrated brain.

This book will show you how to use everyday experiences to help your
child’s brain become more and more

integrated.

Forexample,childrenwhoseparentstalkwiththemabouttheir

experiences tend to have better access to the memories of those

experiences. Parents who speak with their children about their
feelingshavechildrenwhodevelopemotionalintelligenceandcan

understand their own and other people’s feelings more fully. Shy children
whose parents nurture a sense of courage by o ering
supportiveexplorationsoftheworldtendtolosetheirbehavioral inhibition,
while those who are excessively protected or

insensitively thrust into anxiety-provoking experiences without

supporttendtomaintaintheirshyness.

Thereisawhole eldofthescienceofchilddevelopmentand

attachmentbackingupthisview—andthenew ndingsinthe eld

ofneuroplasticitysupporttheperspectivethatparentscandirectly
shapetheunfoldinggrowthoftheirchild’sbrainaccordingtowhat

experiencestheyo er.Forexample,hoursofscreentime—playing
video games, watching television, texting—will wire the brain in
certainways.Educationalactivities,sports,andmusicwillwireit

inotherways.Spendingtimewithfamilyandfriendsandlearning

about relationships, especially with face-to-face interactions, will

wireitinyetotherways.Everythingthathappenstousa ectsthe
waythebraindevelops.

This wire-and-rewire process is what integration is all about: giving our

children experiences to create connections between di erent parts of the
brain. When these parts collaborate, they createandreinforcetheintegrative
bersthatlinkdi erentparts

ofthebrain.Asaresult,theyareconnectedinmorepowerfulways

andcanworktogetherevenmoreharmoniously.Justasindividual

singersinachoircanweavetheirdistinctvoicesintoaharmony

that would be impossible for any one person to create, an

integratedbrainiscapableofdoingmuchmorethanitsindividual

partscouldaccomplishalone.

That’swhatwewanttodoforeachofourkids:helptheirbrain

becomemoreintegratedsothattheycanusetheirmentalresources

to full capacity. With an understanding of the brain, you can be

moreintentionalaboutwhatyouteachyourkids,howyourespond

to them, and why. You can then do much more than merely

survive.Bygivingyourchildrenrepeatedexperiencesthatdevelop

integration, you will face fewer everyday parenting crises. But

morethanthat,understandingintegrationwillletyouknowyour
childmoredeeply,respondmoree ectivelytodi cultsituations,

and intentionally build a foundation for a lifetime of love and happiness. As

a result, not only will your child thrive, both now
andintoadulthood,butyouandyourwholefamilywillaswell.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Weareprofoundlygratefultoallofthepeoplewhohavehelped

shape this book that we feel so passionate about. Our teachers, colleagues,
friends, students, and family members have

signi cantlycontributedtohowwethinkaboutandcommunicate

theseideas.We’reespeciallygratefultoMichaelThompson,Natalie

Thompson,JanelUmfress,DarrellWalters,RogerThompson,Gina

Osher, Stephanie Hamilton, Rick Kidd, Andre van Rooyen, Lara

Love,GinaGriswold,DeborahBuckwalter,GalenBuckwalter,Jay

Bryson, and Liz Olson for their feedback on the book. We also thank our
mentors, clinical colleagues, and the students at the Mindsight Institute and
in our various seminars and parenting groups who have asked questions that
push us to seek and learn
more,andprovidedfeedbackaboutmanyoftheideasthatmake

up the foundation of the No-Drama, WholeBrain approach to

parenting.Therearesomanypeoplewhoenrichourlivesandour

workthatwecan’tpossiblythankyouallindividually,butwehope

youknowhowmuchyoumeantous.

Wewanttothankourfriendandliteraryagent,DougAbrams,

whobroughttotheprocessnotonlyawealthofwritingknowledge
but also a passion and commitment to strengthening families and
nurturingkidswhoarehappyandhealthy.Werespecthimasboth

anagentandahumanitarian.Wealsogratefullyacknowledgethe

e orts and enthusiasm of our editor, Marnie Cochran, who not only o ered
wise counsel throughout the publication process but
alsoextendedplentyofpatienceasweworkedto ndjusttheright

waytoexpresstheideassoimportanttous.Andtoourfabulous

illustrator,MerrileeLiddiard,wesaythanksandmorethanksfor

bringing her talent and creativity to the project and helping give theleft-
brainwordsofthebookaright-brainedgraphicandvisual life.

In addition, we thank all of the parents and patients whose

stories and experiences helped us provide examples that give

richnessandpracticalitytotheideasandtheoriesweteach.We’ve,

ofcourse,changedyournamesandthedetailsofyourstorieshere,

but we’re grateful for the power your stories lend to the

communicationoftheNo-Dramaapproachtodiscipline.

We want to acknowledge our gratitude for each other. Our

collective passion for these ideas and for sharing them with the
worldmakesworkingtogetherameaningfulhonor.Wearegrateful

toourimmediateandextendedfamilieswhohaveandcontinueto

in uencewhoweareandcelebratewhatwedo.Justaswehave

shaped who our children are and who they are becoming, they

haveshapedwhoweareasindividualsandprofessionals,andwe
aredeeplymovedbythemeaningandjoytheybringtous.Finally,

wethankourspouses,CarolineandScott,whocontributedinboth

indirectanddirectwaystotheproductionofthismanuscript.They

know what they mean to us, and we could never fully articulate how
important to us they are, as both personal and professional partners.

Learning in life is cultivated best in our collaborative

relationshipswithothers.Ourprimaryteacherswhenitcomesto

our own parenting have been our children—Dan’s now in their

twenties,Tina’sintheirteenandpre-teenyears—whohavetaught

usthevitalimportanceofconnectionandunderstanding,patience

andpersistence.Throughouttheopportunitiesandthechallengesof

beingtheirparents,wehavebeenremindedthroughtheiractions

and reactions, their words and their emotions, that discipline is about
teaching, about learning, about nding lessons in our

everydayexperiencesnomatterhowmundaneormaddening.That

learningisforbothchildandparentalike.Andtryingtocreatethe

necessary structure in their developing lives while parenting in a calm,

even-keel, “low-drama” way has not always been easy—in fact, it is most
likely one of the most challenging jobs any of us
willeverhave.Andforthesereasons,wethankbothourchildren

andourpartnersthroughoutthiswholejourney,forthepowerful

ways they each have taught us about discipline as a way of

learning,ofteaching,andofmakinglifeaneducationaladventure

and a celebration of discovery. We hope this book will o er an

invitationtoreimaginedisciplineassuchalearningopportunityso

that you and your children will thrive and enjoy each other

throughoutyourlives!

DanandTina

ABOUTTHEAUTHORS

DANIEL J. SIEGEL, M.D., is a physician; child, adolescent, and adult

psychiatrist; and clinical professor at the David Ge en UCLA
SchoolofMedicine.Hehasbeenresponsibleforthepublicationof

dozensofbooksasauthor,co-author,oreditor,includingauthoring

Brainstorm:ThePowerandPurposeoftheTeenageBrain,Mindsight: The New

Science of Personal Transformation,, and The Developing
Mind:HowRelationshipsandtheBrain InteracttoShapeWhoWeAre.

He is the executive director of the Mindsight Institute, an

educational center for interpersonal neurobiology that combines the wide

range of elds of science into one framework for

understanding human development and the nature of well-being.

He lectures throughout the world, online and in-person, for

parents, professionals, and the public. (You can reach him at

www.DrDanSiegel.com. ) TINA PAYNE BRYSON, PH.D., is the co-author
(with Dan Siegel) of the bestselling The WholeBrain Child, which has been
translated into eighteen languages. She is a pediatric and adolescent
psychotherapist, the director of parenting for the Mindsight Institute and the
child development specialist at Saint Mark’s School in Altadena, California.
She keynotes conferences and
conductsworkshopsforparents,educators,andcliniciansallover

the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern
California, and she lives near Los Angeles with her husband and three
children. You can learn more about her at

TinaBryson.com,whereyoucansubscribetoherblogandreadher
articlesaboutkidsandparenting.

BYDANIELJ.SIEGEL,M.D.,ANDTINAPAYNEBRYSON,PH.D.

TheWhole-BrainChild

No-DramaDiscipline
Document Outline
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Before You Read This Book: A Question
Introduction: Relational, Low-Drama Discipline
Chapter 1: ReTHINKING Discipline
Chapter 2: Your Brain on Discipline
Chapter 3: From Tantrum to Tranquility: Connection Is the Key
Chapter 4: No-Drama Connection in Action
Chapter 5: 1-2-3 Discipline: Redirecting for Today, and for Tomorrow
Chapter 6: Addressing Behavior: As Simple as R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T
Conclusion: On Magic Wands, Being Human, Reconnection, and
Change: Four Messages of Hope
Further Resources
Connect and Redirect Refrigerator Sheet
When a Parenting Expert Loses It
A Note to Our Child’s Caregivers
Twenty Discipline Mistakes Even Great Parents Make
An Excerpt from The WholeBrain Child
Acknowledgments
Other Books by This Author