Oughtobiography

Always I knew I wanted to live abroad. The idea of communicating and being fluent in
another language always seemed so fascinating, as well as, having some international
friends not even mentioning a foreign boyfriend.
For pretty much all my student life till A-levels, my favourite subject was English. I was so
focused on becoming the top in my class that I remember that even though we’ve had
money troubles at home I begged my parents for extracurricular lessons so I can make my
dreams come true.
When I was in high school I haven't been studying much which I deeply regret now as my
exam results were merely what I wanted them to be. Even scores from advanced English
were not satisfying as I got only 60% after taking up extra classes as well as having around
12-14h English classes at school.
I was extremely disappointed with myself. I have aborted the idea of going to university. I
was done with school and simply wanted to have some life experiences or at least enjoy my
gap year. My parents were truly devasted by my decision as of course they wanted me to
study further. I remember the disappointment on their faces when I said I am taking a
break. Not only I was moving abroad as well as dashed their hopes for me to go to
university. This has deep down left it’s mark on me also.
Then summer came and my friend whose brother has been living in London for past 10
years invited her over the summer and she’s asked me if I wanted to go with her as we
would need to cover them for their jobs as they wanted to go on longer holidays. I was the
happiest then. I was about to spend a month and a half in London!
I remember that time vividly as me and my friend have had such incredible summer. Even
though we did not make any friends I felt like I've been living and for the first time felt like I
had control over my life.
When summer time passed we were buying tickets home. It was a quite random decision as
we also booked a pass back to London! Which meant we decided to give it a shot and try to
set up a life over there.
Within the time I started working in a restaurant as a waitress and I have made plenty of
friends that I still am in touch with today. Also met my ex-boyfriend.
Felt like life was about to get good and I knew what I was doing. I pushed myself completely
into work life and just having good times with friends abandoning entirely the idea of going
to University.
Felt like at least in work life wanted to grow so I decided to give it a shot and applied for an
Assistant Manager position in a restaurant chain in Central London. Luckily, I got the job and
felt like life was good again. I was the master of my own destiny (or I least I thought I was).
Years went by and I was still working over there. Got the opportunity and I was even the
General Manager of a cute, small restaurant by Baker Street. Felt good to be working in such
an iconic place in London. I had the sense that once again I was slowly getting on the right
path. Like this is something I ought to do. However, from time to time in my head, there has
been the idea of going to the University. I was always quickly going away as I did not have
the time or support of my Ex at the time.
Sometimes I've felt that was wasting my potential working in a restaurant as for one it was
such a hard-working job as well as challenging. At some times I was practically living in that
place. Eventually at only 25 years old with no outside of work life (me and then partner had
been acting like a married couple with 25 years of seniority) I started to reflect on my life
and where have I gone wrong. These thoughts that I longed for a change started to pop into
my head so often that I have become depressed without even realizing it because I have
kept going. I was living my dreamt life since I was around 10 years old and still, this did not
feel good at any point.
Then COVID arrived.
I have spent 6 months off work in my boyfriend’s parents’ house. It was extremely nice of
them to invite us but at times I’ve felt disconnected from my old self. Where have I made
the mistake? Whom have I become? I’ve started having those long walks and was reflecting
a great number of times over my current life. All I knew I felt deeply unsatisfied with it. I was
trying to think how to fix it once the quarantine will be over. This time has also changed a lot
of my view of the world. When I saw the pain and loss of so many people it made me feel
like I am so very lucky with my life and I suddenly started to feel grateful for what I have and
the people around me, and also that life is very fragile. I think this was the point in my life
where I really decided to make some changes rather than just wish for them.
I have found a job as a Junior Technician in Hair Transplant Clinic. First time in surgery my
thought was that this is complete madness! The lead surgeons that had been training us
were positively lovely and the staff as well. The problem was that the policy of the clinic was
something I did not agree with. This was a sign to me that it is time for a change. I wasn’t
completely happy about it because as it turned out I was becoming good at it and I actually
enjoyed it. But this moment I knew that when I’m not happy about it it’s time for a change.
This attitude has resulted in me changing jobs three times over six months. This was not me.
I knew things started to go down again and I started to feel worse and worse with every
sunrise. Non-stop fights with my boyfriend, and no support in my ongoing job situation it
made me feel like my life was spinning out of my control. The times when I have felt
remotely good about myself have gone away. Philosophical questions about my existence
and current life have come back with double force. The thought that I have wasted 7 years
of my life did not want to leave my head. The idea that by this time I could have already
done a master's degree and start my working career now was crushing. Kept feeling like I
have wasted so much time. I do not have the skills I thought I would have by now, I am
lacking in so many areas of my life. I did throw my life away over the feeling I was doing
everything I ought to for myself. Instead, this has turned out completely different from what
I thought it might be. I started thinking of turning my life upside down again and coming
back home – Poland. I knew at least there I would have the support of people that love me
and vice versa. Yet the idea of leaving I worked so hard for here was terrifying. Then another
popped into my head. I have been feeling like this for at least two years. This was not the
right feeling and with that thought, I knew I had to make a decision.
Two weeks later, myself and 8 boxes arrived back in Poland. I stayed at my sister’s for over
two months as I knew I wanted to have some time off without starting a job straight away
and just wanted to enjoy the time with family, and friends as well as learn how to be good
with just myself. Spent the time on various walks, writing a journal, I reminded myself how I
love reading yet somehow on the way I lost it over there. It was one of the best summers of
my life. Suddenly with every day, I started to feel less overwhelmed and genuinely happier.
Eventually, I found a job in a bank, rented a flat, and enrolled in university. I have done so
much more for myself over the past 6 months than in 7 years in London.
It still gets overwhelming and tough, but I know I am working towards a greater future and
what I finally ought to be doing.
Nothing in life comes easy but I believe that when one’s focuses on what one’s loves it's
about to get better. Thinking of a future doing what I love which is my love for English
language it already makes me feel incredibly positive and I look forward to the future. I
have divergence from what I originally thought I would be doing but this is far better than I
expected.