Swimmers

By Rachel Bonds

c/o
Kate Navin
The Gersh Agency
212-634-8169
[email protected]
 2

Characters.

Walter. Facilities Management. African-American. Late 40’s/early 50’s.

Tom. Sales. Could be any race/ethnicity. Early 40’s.

Farrah. Product Development. Could be any non-WASPy race/ethnicity. Early 30’s.

Yuri. Product Development. Russian. Moved to US for college. Mid-to-late 30’s.

Bill. Product Development. African-American. Early 30’s.

Randy. Sales. Could be any race/ethnicity. Late 20’s-Early 30’s.

Priya. Sales. Born in India but raised in the US. Late 20’s-Early 30’s.

Charlene. Administration. Latina. Mid 40’s.

Vivian. Intern. She’s very beautiful and ethnically ambiguous. Early 20’s – 25.

Dennis. R&D. Overweight. White. 40ish.

George. COO. White. Mid 50’s.

 3

The Basement.
(Tom in the basement, mid-morning; he sits in a
dark corner in an old desk chair. He stares at his
clasped hands. Walter comes in from the elevator.
He pulls out a trash bin, then starts going through
his tools. He does not see Tom. Tom leans
forward, hesitantly.)

TOM
Hey Walter—just so you know I’m /down here.

WALTER
Christ what the—Jesus—I didn’t see you there!

TOM
Sorry, yeah, I’m—I didn’t want to scare /you.

WALTER
Jesus man.

TOM
I’m sorry, I—

WALTER
I just about had a heart attack just now!

TOM
I’m—sorry. I should /have—

WALTER
What’re you doing down here?

TOM
Uhhhh…Sitting.

WALTER
Sitting—Just hanging out?

TOM
Yup.

WALTER
This something you do often?

TOM
Oh—no—just—. Today.
 4

WALTER
Today. All right, well—welcome.

TOM
Thanks. Sorry—Tom.

WALTER
I know. Third floor. Sales.

TOM
Right—that’s right.

WALTER
Walter.

TOM
I know.

WALTER
All right.
(Walter looks down at his tools, sorting, shaking his
head, laughing to himself.)

TOM
It must be nice to—go about your day sort of solitary and quiet, just doing things with your
hands.

WALTER
Sometimes…Don’t you have an office?

TOM
Yeah, I—sure, but—.

WALTER
But.

TOM
I was thinking about things.

WALTER
And you don’t want to think about things in your office?

TOM
It’s quieter down here.
 5

WALTER
It is that, for sure.

TOM
So, I was enjoying that. The peace and /quiet.

WALTER
Yeahhh I get you. Maybe you should move your desk down here.

TOM
Ha—maybe.
(Walter looks at his tools.)

TOM
The world’s supposed to end soon.

WALTER
Oh yeah?

TOM
I saw it on a billboard this morning.

WALTER
Well—not much we can do about that I guess.

TOM
Yeah. It was just this ominous, like—plain black sign with white lettering that said END OF
THE WORLD, COLON, SEVEN SEVEN THIRTEEN.

WALTER
Huh.

TOM
No explanation or logo or anything, just—the date.

WALTER
Right.

TOM
It’s creepy, you know?

WALTER
Ah, it’s just one of those—groups of crazy people with a lot of money.

TOM
I know, probably, but—still, just—so ominous, you know?…I keep thinking about it.
 6

(He stares at his hands, flexing his fingers up and

down. Walter peers at him.)

WALTER
You’re kind of a dark dude, huh Tom?

TOM
Um.

WALTER
In my experience, it doesn’t do a person much good to sit around in the dark and think about
things.

TOM
That’s how most of the best literature in the world got written.

WALTER
Yeah, and those guys felt like shit most of the time.

TOM
Yeah. Probably.

WALTER
Definitely.
(He squints at Tom.)
Hey—it was you they wheeled out of here on the stretcher last week, right?

TOM (covering his face)

Oh God.

WALTER
Man, are you all right? They had all those EMTs racing through the /hallways…

TOM
Yeah—yes, I’m totally /fine.

WALTER
You throw out your back /or something?

TOM
No, I—was having trouble breathing.

WALTER
Asthma?
 7

TOM
Uhhhhhhhhh sort of.

WALTER
You didn’t have your inhaler with /you?

TOM
No, I—/yeah—

WALTER
My wife’s got it bad—and I always tell her—You GOTTA carry that thing with you.

TOM
I was just having trouble breathing. It was a fluke thing.

WALTER
Ahhh.

TOM
Purely episodic.

WALTER
So a panic attack?

TOM
Yeah, I guess.
(Tom breathes, staring at the ceiling. Walter peers
at Tom for a moment.)

WALTER
I think you need to get yourself a hobby.

TOM
Yeah?

WALTER
I’m just saying—I think it’s good to have something you practice at. Like my wife, she knits
like crazy—to de-stress. Like she makes some professional shit. She could teach you.

TOM
Oh, yeah? I mean /, maybe—

WALTER (laughing)
I’m just messing with you.
 8

TOM
Oh.

WALTER
You do not want to knit with my wife.

TOM
I don’t know, it sounds kind of nice.

WALTER (laughing)
Auugghh no. She’ll take one look at you and you’ll be her next project. She’d give you the
whole—like a whole makeover.
(He laughs to himself, gathers his tools, turning
back to the elevator.)

TOM
How long have you been married?

WALTER
A loooong time.

TOM
Yeah?

WALTER
It’ll be eighteen years in the fall.

TOM
Wow.

WALTER
Yup.

TOM
You—did you go to school together, or—

WALTER
No—we actually met on a plane.

TOM
Oh wow—/going—

WALTER
She was flying to Chicago to visit her aunt and I was heading there for this summer gig my
mom’s folks set me up with and…hah, yeah man, it was basically love at first sight.
 9

TOM
So, what, you just—

WALTER
I said—and we had been sitting next to each other the whole flight and talking—and near the
end, we’re landing, and I just said, Hey, when we get to Chicago, would you mind if I took you
out for dinner?

TOM
Like that same night?

WALTER
Yeah that same night. I mean, this was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and I didn’t
want to let her out of my sight, you know what I mean? It was like, if I didn’t try to stay within
three feet of her from that moment on, she might disappear or vanish into thin air or something.

TOM
So what’d she say?

WALTER
She said Yes.

TOM
Wow.

WALTER
Yeah. She was only supposed to be seeing her aunt for about a week and she ended up staying
the whole summer. We got married that same fall.

TOM
Man, fast.

WALTER
Yup. Still going strong too.

What about you?

TOM
Oh, uh—

WALTER
Married?

TOM
…No.
 10

WALTER
What are you waiting for?

TOM
Uhhh, /well...

WALTER
Life’s too short, man, that much /I know.

TOM
Yeah, I—it’s complicated actually, /because—

WALTER
Nah, man, it’s not that complicated. You just need to stop hiding in /basements.

TOM
Right, no—actually I was married before but she died.

WALTER
Oh.

TOM
Two years ago.

WALTER
…Wow, man, I’m—uhh/hhh

TOM
S’okay.
(Tom looks down at his hands. They sit in
awkward silence. Walter’s phone buzzes. He
checks an incoming message on his phone.)

WALTER
Man, I’m sorry, I should, /uh—

TOM
Yeah, of course.

WALTER
Looks like I gotta go fix an exploding toilet on four.

TOM
Oh no.
(Walter heads to the elevator and presses the button)
 11

WALTER
Not a complete day until I’ve had my hands in other people’s shit!

TOM
See, how do you deal with that? I don’t think I could handle/ that.

WALTER
Well when you have kids you get used to dealing with shit. Of all kinds.

TOM
Right.

WALTER
Hah…My dad used to say this thing, he’d say “if that’s the worst thing you ever have to put your
hands in, you’re one lucky bastard.”

TOM
Makes sense. Are you bringing your kids in tomorrow?

WALTER
Uhhh…

TOM
It’s Bring Your Kid to /Work Day.

WALTER
Oh—no.

TOM
That’s too bad. I bet they’re good kids.

WALTER
There’s just the one. My son.

TOM
Oh, nice. He couldn’t get out of /school?

WALTER
Nah, he’s—. He can’t make it.
(The elevator arrives. Walter steps inside, holding
the doors open.)

WALTER
Hey, listen—you got any pets?
 12

TOM
No.

WALTER
Are you allergic?

TOM
Not that I know /of.

WALTER
Listen, if you come by the adoption center downtown, I’ll hook you up. We got a bunch of dogs
and cats that need homes.

TOM
You work there too?

WALTER
I volunteer every weekend. We got a lot of good little guys who could use someone like you.

TOM
…Yeah…

WALTER
I mean, I’ll be straight with you—I’m gonna interrogate you before I let you take any of them
home. It’s a serious commitment.

TOM
Yeah, I...

WALTER
But seems like you could use the company. And they could too.

TOM
Yeah, I’m—I don’t know, honestly, I think I’d just—. It’d just be another thing to get attached
to and worry about, you know?

WALTER (squinting at him)

Yeah…

TOM
So…probably not a good idea.

WALTER (shaking his head)

Okay.
 13

TOM
Sorry.

WALTER
No, man, it’s, whatever—listen—don’t sit down here too long.

TOM
Yeah—I won’t.

WALTER (turning)
All right. Later Tom.

TOM
Later.

(Walter lets the elevator doors close, disappearing.

Tom leans back in his chair and looks around the
basement.)

***
 14

First Floor.
(Yuri and Farrah sit at their desks, typing intently.
Bill enters; Yuri looks up and waves. He takes a sip
from his paper cup of coffee.)

FARRAH
It’s the bad kind.

BILL (coughing)
What?

FARRAH
We’re out of the good coffee.

BILL (swallowing)
Ew, yeah.

FARRAH
Yeah, it’s not good.

BILL
Did you tell Charlene to order more?

FARRAH
Yes, I told Charlene to order more.

BILL
Good morning, Farrah.

FARRAH
Good morning Bill.

BILL
Good morning, Yuri.

YURI
Good morning.

FARRAH
You’re awfully late today.

BILL
I had that meeting in Charlotte this morning.

FARRAH
What, like at the crack of dawn?
 15

BILL
Basically, yes. 7AM breakfast.

FARRAH
Yikes. Did you stay over last night at least?

BILL
Yeah, they—yeah. Put me up in a Hampton Inn.

FARRAH
Swanky.

BILL
I know.

FARRAH
So did they ask you to move to Charlotte?

BILL
Uhhhh…basically, yes.

FARRAH
So you’re going.

BILL
Don’t know yet. But I have to let them know by Wednesday.

FARRAH
That soon?

BILL
Yeah, because they would want me to start in Charlotte by Monday.

YURI
Wow.

BILL
Yeah.
(Bill settles in at his desk.)

BILL
Hey—so did you guys hear what happened last week?
 16

FARRAH
Quarterly review. Numbers aren’t where they should be. Everyone better step it up or we’ll all
go down in flames et cetera et cetera.

BILL
No, with the intern.

FARRAH
OH shit—YES, the finance guys told /me.

BILL
Yeah—Randy just told me in the elevator.

YURI
Which intern?

FARRAH
She’s actually not an intern, she’s one of the “fellows.”

BILL
No, I think she was a fellow in another department, but then wanted to stay on in revenue
management or something, so they gave her an internship?

FARRAH
Really? I hope it’s paid, especially after /this.

BILL
Ew, yeah, me too.

YURI
What happened?

BILL
Right—so—this intern—fellow—whatever—got into it deep with George from Finance.

YURI
George Michaelson?

FARRAH / BILL
Yes.

YURI
Why?

FARRAH
Because he BREATHED IN HER EAR.
 17

YURI
What?

BILL
Oh God, it’s /so—

FARRAH
It’s completely vile. But also so utterly predictable, right, like is anyone surprised that
Michaelson’s hitting on the most ethnically-ambiguous-beautiful twenty year-old that has /ever
existed?

BILL
She’s older than that, though, right?

FARRAH
Yeah, she must be out of college. But still—like twenty two years old.

YURI
But wait—What is the ear breathing thing?

BILL
Okay, so, Michaelson, apparently, like breathed into / this girl’s ear—

FARRAH
No, he cornered her in the fifth floor lounge and made some kind of weird comment, I don’t
know what exactly, you’ll have to ask the finance guys, but it was something along the lines of ‘I
might have to ask you to stay late tonight,’ but probably creepier /than that—

BILL
Right right—like apparently they were talking about something in the breakroom—like whatever
project he had her working on and then when he was on his way out, he leaned down / breathed
into her ear!

FARRAH
Breathed right in her ear!

YURI
Wow.

FARRAH
So then on Friday she marched up Lucy in HR and filed a complaint and of course Michaelson
vehemently denied anything weird happened. Like he says he was just offering her, like moral
support or something because she was stressed out and that she “read into the situation.”
 18

BILL
So then they reassigned her to another /group—

FARRAH
No—she’s with Charlene now, so they’re keeping her on as an admin or something—but, like—
after the whole thing, Michaelson basically comes off unscathed.

BILL
Except that every woman in the office now thinks he’s a creep.

FARRAH
We all thought he was a creep before.

YURI
Really?

FARRAH
Yes. Yuri. Yes.

YURI
He’s always been so friendly with me. I mean—normal /friendly.

FARRAH
Well you’re a dude. He has always given me the creeps. Since like, day one.

BILL
But has he ever said anything weird /to you?

FARRAH
I mean—not explicitly, /but…

BILL
Okay, /well—

FARRAH
But there’s a definite feeling I get around him. Like he always seems kind of desperate or
unsteady or /something

BILL
Oh God.

FARRAH
I’m serious—ask any other woman in the office, she’ll say the exact same thing, I swear to god.

BILL
Okay, but anyway—
 19

FARRAH
Yes—so anyway—Michaelson’s like quietly on the war path now and everything’s just generally
awwwkward.

YURI
Wow.

BILL
I feel really bad for that girl.

YURI
Yes, me too.

FARRAH
Well shitty to say, but she’s probably used to it.

BILL
Farrah.

FARRAH
What? You’ve seen her, she’s all—exotic and perfect. Unfortunately I imagine she’s used to
being hit on by a bunch of creeps.

BILL
Yeah, but…
(He tosses out his coffee)
Eugh—I can’t drink this.

FARRAH
Go get some of the good stuff from the second floor.

BILL
Charlene got pissed at me last time I took some.

FARRAH
Well don’t take a whole package of their coffee, just bring your mug /down there.

BILL
Yeah, ok.
(exiting)
Uuuggghh I really don’t want to do anything I’m supposed to do today.

(He leaves. Yuri and Farrah type.)

 20

FARRAH
So...did Bill tell you he’s engaged?

YURI
Oh! No. He didn’t.

FARRAH
Yup. Engaged.

YURI
Wowww. Good news.

FARRAH
Yeahhhhhhh. He’s like running on all cylinders these days.

(She leans back and covers her eyes.)

YURI
Is it not good news?

FARRAH
No, yeah—It’s great for him. Jennifer’s super nice.

YURI
Yes, I talked to her at the picnic. What did she tell me—She makes…tapestries?

FARRAH
Yeah, she’s like a textile artist.

YURI
It sounded cool.

FARRAH
Yeah, she’s cool.
(She sighs. Yuri stares blankly at his computer
screen. Farrah stares out the window.)

FARRAH
Only a month till the world ends.

YURI
Again?

FARRAH
I saw it on a billboard this morning.
 21

YURI
Is this the Mayan calendar thing?

FARRAH
No, I don’t know—it didn’t say. It was just this creepy sign with the date in big white letters.

YURI
Huh.

FARRAH
But I guess we might all get raptured, so. Better start doing some important things, Yuri.

YURI
Right.

FARRAH
Better start doing all the things you’ve been meaning to do your whole life.

YURI (shaking his head)

I’m screwed.

FARRAH
What?! No you’re not—you’re—you’ve got David and Rebecca and you /speak like eight
languages.

YURI
Eh, well…

FARRAH
Plus you’ve like traveled all the way from Siberia.

YURI
Moscow.

FARRAH
Still.

YURI
Do you have a list?

FARRAH
A list?

YURI
Of all the things you’ve been meaning to do.
 22

FARRAH
I mean, not written down. I don’t like, cross things off it in Sharpie or anything. But I guess
there’s one in my head.

YURI
It can be useful.

FARRAH
I guess—But right now it’s just a Hey-Farrah-You’ve-Done-Shit-With-Your-Life meter.

YURI
You ran the blood drive this spring. That went really well.

FARRAH
Yeahhh. Okay, but, so—if you had such a list, what would be the first item?

YURI
Mmm…Swimming.

FARRAH
Swimming!

YURI
Yes.

FARRAH
Like swimming where?

YURI
Just swimming.

FARRAH
You don’t swim?

YURI (shaking head)

I’ve tried, but… you would not call it swimming.

FARRAH
But Yuri! It’s the best feeling thing in the world.

YURI
I just flailed around and water went in my nose and it was very bad.

FARRAH
Okay, but that is a completely achievable list item. You could definitely check that off in a
month. If you practice.
 23

YURI
So you like to swim?

FARRAH
Yeah, I love it.
My dad used to take my sister and I down to the Outer Banks every year and we would go way
way out in the /water…

YURI
The ocean terrifies me.

FARRAH
Yeah. It’s terrifying. I like that about it.
(Bill returns with coffee.)

BILL
Well Charlene’s pissed at me.

FARRAH
Did you ask her nicely or did you just try to sneak by her?

BILL
I sneaked.

FARRAH
Don’t sneak with Charlene, she can like—smell you doing it.

BILL
Did you guys know there’s been coyotes sighted in the industrial park?

FARRAH
Yeah, Randy sent around a thing about it.

YURI
Bill, congratulations.

BILL
What?

YURI
Farrah told me you are engaged.

BILL
Oh! Shit. Yeah. Thanks, Yuri. Yeah. I forgot to—it just happened last week.
 24

YURI
That’s great.

BILL
Yeah. We’re excited.

YURI
It is great news.

BILL
Thank you, yeah.

YURI
Great news.

FARRAH
Did you guys set a date?

BILL
No, not yet.

FARRAH
Better do it soon.

BILL
…Why?

FARRAH
Probably in the next month.

BILL
Okay…

YURI
The world is ending next month.

BILL
I see.

FARRAH
So, better do it before one of you gets raptured. Probably Jennifer.

BILL
Thanks Farrah.
 25

FARRAH
Yup.
(Bill sits down at his desk. He and Yuri type.
Farrah looks at the calendar. She leans back and
speaks quietly to Yuri.)

FARRAH (whispering)
Hey. You should come to the fifth floor with me.

YURI
Now?

FARRAH
No, later.

YURI
Why?

FARRAH
Just—come with me sometime before we leave today.

YURI
I…okay.

FARRAH
I’ll give you a signal.

YURI
What?

FARRAH (leaning further, whispering)

When it is time to go, I will send you a signal and we will go. Okay?

YURI
Okay.

FARRAH
Good.
(She snaps up, turning back to her desk. She types
a bit and then calls out:)

FARRAH
Did you see the finale last /night?!

BILL
DON’T TELL ME I HAVE IT DVR’d.
 26

FARRAH
Oh NO, you missed it?

BILL
Don’t tell me anything Farrah, I swear to God.

FARRAH
Ohhhhh man it was really good. You’re going to be surprised.

YURI
I tried to watch that show because you two like it, /but I couldn’t get into it.

BILL
I’m serious, don’t say anything else.

FARRAH
Or maybe you won’t be surprised. I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t THAT surprised, but—

BILL
I’m serious stop saying things right now stop saying things.

FARRAH
I just want to mention this one thing that I think you’ll be happy about hearing—

BILL
Farrah /shut up!

FARRAH
I think you’ll be glad to know that Chef Nina wins. They just couldn’t get over this veal
carpaccio thing she made. Even Gail was like bowing down to her.

(A pause.)

BILL
Why did you do that?

FARRAH
I’m saving you time. Now you don’t have to watch it.

BILL
What is your problem?

FARRAH
Nothing.
 27

(Bill shakes his head and pretends to focus on his

computer screen.)

BILL
I deserved that promotion, Farrah. I work really hard.

FARRAH
I know.

BILL
Okay, I’m just saying.

FARRAH
I work just as hard.

BILL
I know.

FARRAH
If not more so.

BILL
I don’t know about that.

FARRAH
Whoa—well you’re definitely not going to get raptured now.

BILL
Is this what you’re going to be like for the rest of—. Are you going to be /like this?

FARRAH
For the rest of what?

BILL
Well I might be moving to Charlotte, like—next week, so, I don’t know, it makes me really sad
to think the rest of my time here might be this shitty and tense with you.

FARRAH
So you’re leaning toward going?

BILL
I don’t know. Can we please not be mortal enemies?

FARRAH
…I’m—yeah. Yes.
 28

BILL
Good. Thank you.
Richard said some nice things about you this morning—you should know.

FARRAH
That’s nice.

BILL
He really liked you. And he thought you gave a really strong interview.

FARRAH
Okay, weird that he was telling /you that

BILL
He said he thought you seemed really driven and smart, /and he said—

FARRAH
Yeah—that’s all super nice. But I actually have this deadline, so I should get some work done.

BILL
…Yup—okay.

FARRAH
Sorry.

BILL
No, yeah—Go to.

FARRAH
I will. But congratulations to you.

BILL
Thanks.

(She smiles widely and gives him two thumbs up,

then she stares at her computer. Bill slowly goes
back to work. Yuri looks out the window for a
moment. Then they all go back to typing.)

***
 29

Second Floor.
(Charlene sits at her desk, eating from a
Tupperware container. Vivian kneels nearby,
pulling folders out of a filing cabinet, laying them in
separate piles.)

VIVIAN
So anything before 2003 can go?

CHARLENE (chewing)
Yup. You can shred ‘em.

VIVIAN
And then after /that…

CHARLENE
Yup, just like you’re doing—each year a separate pile. Then we’ll figure out a color coding
system—I just ordered more file folders.

VIVIAN
Okay.

CHARLENE
I know it’s like the stone age in /here.

VIVIAN
No, it’s okay.

CHARLENE
But we’ve gotta organize them before we start digitizing everything.

VIVIAN
Digitalizing?

CHARLENE
Digit—which is it?

VIVIAN
I think digitalizing.

CHARLENE
Yeah that sounds right. Anyway. That’s gonna be a huge project and I’ll surely need your help
with that.

VIVIAN
Sure.
 30

CHARLENE
I know it’s not very exciting, but—.

VIVIAN
No, I—I like organizing things, actually. I’m kind of OCD like that.

CHARLENE
Oh, well good. Then I’m glad I’ve got you.

(Vivian smiles a small smile, then looks down at the

folders in her hands.)

CHARLENE
You want a break? You want to take lunch?

VIVIAN
Uhhh, I’m okay right now.

CHARLENE
Did you bring something?

VIVIAN
No…I was just going to go /out somewhere.

CHARLENE
Because there’s not too much around here—for lunch /options.

VIVIAN
Yeah, I know—. I actually found a little place that has pretty cheap sandwiches, so.

CHARLENE
Which place?

VIVIAN
Uhh, it’s out on, um…Lakewood and..Tor—near Torrance I think?

CHARLENE
Like a deli, /or?

VIVIAN
Kind of. It’s vegetarian, though.

CHARLENE
Ohhh.
 31

VIVIAN
So.

CHARLENE
I was gonna say, I’d share some of this with you if you want, but it has chicken in /it.

VIVIAN
Oh—no, I’m fine.

CHARLENE
You don’t eat meat?

VIVIAN
No.

CHARLENE
Fish?

VIVIAN
Um, fish sometimes. But I’m allergic to shellfish, so. That narrows some of the /options.

CHARLENE
God, no wonder you’re so skinny—you can’t eat anything.

VIVIAN
No, I’m—I always find something.
(She shrugs and quietly goes back to sorting files.)

(Charlene chews and looks into her Tupperware

container, poking at her food.)

CHARLENE
All this is only 5 points. Can you believe it?

VIVIAN
What?

CHARLENE
I just started doing Weight Watchers.

VIVIAN
Oh.

CHARLENE
There’s this whole point system…
 32

VIVIAN
Right, yeah. I think my roommate’s mom was doing that.

CHARLENE
Yes, it’s very popular among women of a certain age.

It’s okay, actually. I mean when I started I thought all the food was gonna taste like shit, but it’s
actually pretty good.

VIVIAN
That’s good.

CHARLENE
And, like, if I want a Reese’s cup, I can have a Reese’s cup. It just means maybe I don’t have
rice at dinner, or I don’t put mayonnaise on my sandwich or whatever.

(Vivian nods, sorting.)

You should pack yourself something the night before. That’s what I do. I pack Tara’s and
Jeremy’s lunch and then I pack mine. It’ll save you a lot of money.

VIVIAN
Yeah…

CHARLENE
I mean, I don’t know how expensive your little vegetarian place is, but that stuff /adds up.

VIVIAN
No, yeah, I know.
Those’re your kids?

CHARLENE
Yep. Tara and Jeremy.
(She shows Vivian a photo)

VIVIAN
They’re cute.

CHARLENE
They look like they are.

VIVIAN
How old…are—

CHARLENE
Tara’s ten and Jeremy’s five.
 33

VIVIAN
Oh nice.

CHARLENE
They’re terrors.

VIVIAN
/Oh.

CHARLENE
No, I’m kidding. I mean, they are terrors but they’re good terrors.

VIVIAN (pointing to the photo)

He looks so cute and innocent, though.

CHARLENE
Yup, he’s his father’s son.

VIVIAN
What does your husband do?

CHARLENE
He’s a professional asshole.

VIVIAN
Oh, God, sorry /—I just assumed—

CHARLENE
I’m kidding I’m kidding. Being an asshole is just his hobby. He’s an accountant.

VIVIAN
I’m sorry.

CHARLENE
Don’t be—It’s not your fault.

And they’re not really terrors, they’re just—well, Jeremy’s fine, a little spastic, but Tara’s
definitely going through “a stage” right now. She’s—. Got such an attitude all of a sudden.

VIVIAN
Yeah. I guess that’s normal, though.
(She holds up a folder)
This should go too?

CHARLENE (looking over)

Ummmmm yeah. That can go.
 34

(She sorts. Charlene puts away her empty

Tupperware, wipes a few food scraps from her desk,
and uses some hand sanitizer.)

CHARLENE
My girlfriend Sandy is making me do this speed-dating thing with her. Have you ever done that?

VIVIAN
No.

CHARLENE
No, I guess you would never need to. It sounds ridiculous. But…I don’t know…I’m dreading it
for some reason.

VIVIAN
It could be fun.

CHARLENE
What, they give you like one minute or something?

VIVIAN
I think so.

CHARLENE (laughing)
I’ll be like, hey I’m Charlene and I have two kids and they’ll be like ENHH, next.

VIVIAN
No…
My uhhh, my roommate met her boyfriend on match.com.

CHARLENE
Really?

VIVIAN
Yeah, I mean, that’s not speed-dating, but…they’ve been together for over a year now.

CHARLENE
And he’s not crazy?

VIVIAN
No, not at all, he’s—. He’s a photographer? Which at first, I was like, oh God, he’s going to be
one of those guys who like wears a scarf and talks about his “work” or something, but he’s
actually—just like a very quiet, practical person? And he doesn’t talk that much about what he
does, he just kind of does it—you know? And she showed me—my roommate showed me some
of his photographs and they’re awesome, they’re—like he does portraits of people, but while
they’re walking or gesturing or something, so they’re in motion and a little blurry and he
 35

manipulates the light or something so it looks like…it’s like you can see time pulling them
forward into this—like with this intense force, like this beam of light is shooting them forward
or—something. They’re really cool.

CHARLENE
He sounds pretty good.

VIVIAN
He is.

CHARLENE
What about you?…Are you dating anyone?

VIVIAN
No, no. I’m—. Apparently I don’t have a core?

CHARLENE
What?

VIVIAN
That’s what my last boyfriend said.

CHARLENE
Your core?

VIVIAN
Yeah, he said I lack a core.

CHARLENE
I don’t know what that means.

VIVIAN
That he couldn’t talk to me. I’m just a pretty shell of a person and—coreless, or /something.

CHARLENE
Was he a hippie?

VIVIAN
Kind of.
(Charlene smiles at her. Vivian looks down at her
hands.)

CHARLENE
So. Vivian, my dear.
 36

VIVIAN
Yeah?

CHARLENE
You doing all right?

VIVIAN
…Yes?

CHARLENE
Yeah?

VIVIAN
What do you mean?

CHARLENE
After what happened.

VIVIAN
Oh, uhhh…

CHARLENE
Because let me tell you something: He did the same thing to me when I first started.

VIVIAN
…Really?

CHARLENE
Oh yes. We were both—I was new and he was relatively new too and one night he stayed late to
help me with a project, and…blah blah blah—things happened.

VIVIAN
Did you say anything?

CHARLENE
What, you mean to him?

VIVIAN
No, to HR.

CHARLENE
No. I mean, this was ten, twelve years ago, the company was a lot smaller. And this guy Larry
was basically the entire HR department, so—. I was too embarrassed to say anything.

VIVIAN
So…what happened?
 37

CHARLENE
Nothing. Except I asked to transfer departments.

VIVIAN
But do you guys, like—you must have to talk sometimes, /or

CHARLENE
Not if we can help it. He avoids me like the plague because he knows he fucked up. Sorry.

VIVIAN
No, it’s—you’re fine.

CHARLENE
Anyway. It’s really good you said something. Next screw-up, he’s out of here. And he knows
it.

VIVIAN
Yeah…

CHARLENE
So what happened?

VIVIAN
I don’t know.

CHARLENE
You don’t know?

VIVIAN
He—I don’t know, it was weird, I kind of don’t know if—. I mean, we were talking, because I
was worried about this project and he was really nice, actually, but…I don’t know.

CHARLENE
He touched you, though?

VIVIAN
Uhhhh, I don’t—I mean, yeah he—hugged me.

CHARLENE
But was he, like, what did/ he—

VIVIAN
I don’t know, there was just, something about it…I don’t know.
 38

CHARLENE
Look, if you felt something weird, then you felt something weird.

VIVIAN
Yeah, /I know.

CHARLENE
Something about it made you want to go see HR, so—.

VIVIAN
I know, I just—…

CHARLENE
I mean, eugh, it’s—. Here you are, a smart young woman just starting out here and he goes and
does this screwed up thing, it’s just—.
(She shakes her head)
This is the problem, see? He just does whatever he wants and walks away and then you’re left
there, like thinking about that moment and thinking about it and thinking about it and wondering
what you could have done differently or how you could have prevented it or if there’s something
wrong with you and—that is not something you should have to carry around. It’s just not.
You know he’s a drunk, right?

VIVIAN
No.

CHARLENE
Oh yes—a high-functioning one. Was he not drunk when he—?

VIVIAN
I don’t know. Anyway. I shouldn’t really be talking about this anymore.

CHARLENE
Is that what HR told you?

VIVIAN
No…I just feel that way.

CHARLENE
Okay. I’ll be quiet.

VIVIAN
You don’t have to be quiet—I just— really don’t want to talk about /it.

CHARLENE
Of course, got it—quiet.
 39

(Vivian goes back to her file folders.)

CHARLENE
There’s nothing wrong with you.

VIVIAN
No, yeah, I know.

CHARLENE
There’s nothing wrong with you.

VIVIAN
I /know.

CHARLENE
There is Nothing. Wrong. With /You.

VIVIAN
I know.

CHARLENE
Okay.
(Vivian stares at the folders in her lap. Walter
enters, rolling a garbage bin, whistling.)

CHARLENE
Hey there Walter.

WALTER (nodding)
Charlene.

CHARLENE
Have you met Vivian? She’s working with me now.

WALTER
I don’t believe so. Walter.

VIVIAN
Hi. Vivian.

WALTER
You better watch out for this one. She’s mean.

CHARLENE
I am no such /thing.
 40

WALTER
She’s treating you all right?

VIVIAN
Yeah.

WALTER
All right good. You holler at me if she gets too mean.

VIVIAN
I will.
(Charlene rolls her eyes playfully. Walter empties
their small trash can into the larger bin. Charlene
turns to Vivian)

CHARLENE
Why don’t you take lunch? You can finish with those when you’re back.

VIVIAN
Yeah.

CHARLENE
Be back in forty-five, okay?

VIVIAN
Yeah.
(standing, head down)
Be back soon.

CHARLENE
Okay.
(Vivian grabs her purse and strides out of the room,
head down.)

CHARLENE (flirting)
So…How you doing hon?

WALTER
All right. How about yourself?

CHARLENE
Oh, you know….it’s going.

WALTER
It is indeed.
 41

CHARLENE
Hot out.

WALTER
Man, I know, the humidity’s killing me.

CHARLENE
Me too. I just want to be out on a beach somewhere.

WALTER
That sounds pretty good.

CHARLENE
And not stuck in this stuffy office.

WALTER
I hear you.

CHARLENE (lowering her voice)

Um, so. I, uhhhhhh—have something for you.

WALTER
For me?

CHARLENE
Yeah.
(She pulls an Altoids tin from her purse and holds it
out to him.)

CHARLENE
I got you this.

WALTER
Mints.

CHARLENE
No.
(whispering)
Something better.

WALTER
Uh huh…

CHARLENE
You can look…
 42

(He takes the tin, puzzled, and opens it, gives her a
brief look, then quickly closes it again.)

WALTER (handing it back)

I can’t take this.

CHARLENE
It’s supposed to really help with the /nausea—

WALTER
I know.

CHARLENE
My friend Nancy said it was the only thing that helped /her and she—

WALTER
That’s—it’s nice of you, but we’re doing fine.

CHARLENE
You don't want to just take it anyway, just in case—

WALTER
Look—I don’t want to lose my job.

CHARLENE
Oh, no one’s going to know. It’s Altoids. It looks like /Altoids.

WALTER
I don’t want it.
(She disappointedly takes back the tin.)

WALTER
It was nice of you to think of us. But we’re doing fine on our own.

CHARLENE
Sure, of course.
(She looks at the floor. Walter starts to go.)

WALTER
I, uh—I gotta get on with it.

CHARLENE
Yeah, of course..

WALTER
All right.
 43

(He starts to roll the garbage bin out the room.)

I’ll see you…

CHARLENE
See you.
(He disappears. She stares after him. She tucks the
tin back into her purse. Then looks down at herself,
smoothing her skirt.)

***
 44

Third Floor.
(The third floor; mid-day. Randy sits at his desk,
typing. Tom appears hesitantly clutching his
briefcase, scanning the office. Randy stands upon
Tom’s entrance.)

RANDY
What’s up, Tom?!

TOM
Hey.

RANDY
I figured you weren’t coming in today.

TOM
I decided I’d do a half-day.

RANDY
How’re you faring?

TOM
I’m fine, yeah.

RANDY
Yeah?

TOM
Yeah, thanks.

RANDY
I’m glad to hear it.

TOM (looking around)

Where’s Priya?

RANDY
Dentist.

TOM
Ah.
(Tom sits at his desk.)
How’d the quarterly review go Friday?

RANDY
Ohhh shitty.
 45

TOM
Yeah?

RANDY
We’re not bringing in enough new clients blah blah blah.

TOM
Right.

RANDY
More cold calls more cold calls, blah blah blah.

TOM
Oh no.

RANDY
Yeah kill me now.
(Tom starts to settle in, opening his email, etc. A
pause.)

RANDY
Yo—was that the first time that’s ever happened to you?

TOM
Um…

RANDY
Or do you get panic attacks a lot?

TOM
I—don’t /really—

RANDY
It’s totally normal if you do. My sister, before her wedding, was having like a weekly panic
attack. For like an entire six months before the stupid wedding even happened, she was like—
every week having to breathe into a paper bag.
(He laughs to himself, remembering)
This one time, we were at Appleb—no, we went to Outback with our parents to discuss, like,
her—flower arrangements or something, and the waiter came over to ask if we were ready, and
then she just like—same thing as you, just started holding her chest and kind of—I mean, total
meltdown.

TOM
Wow.
 46

RANDY
Anyway.

TOM
I don’t get them a lot. That was the worst one I’ve had in a long time.

RANDY
Man.

TOM
So—sorry if I freaked you /out, or—

RANDY
You didn’t freak me out.

TOM
Okay.

RANDY
Hey—so. If you ever want to try something, to like—de-stress—let me know.

TOM
…like—what, you mean—

RANDY
I have a few ideas that might help you.

PRIYA (entering, rushed)

Hey.

RANDY
Hey!

TOM
Hi.

RANDY (smirking)
Did you have any cavities?

PRIYA (throwing her bag onto her desk)

Eughhh I don’t want to talk about it!

RANDY
Uh oh.
 47

PRIYA
I have two cavities! How did I get two cavities?

RANDY
By eating whole cups full of Reese’s Pieces from the breakroom.

PRIYA
Eughh shit, I know. I know I know I know.

RANDY
You know sugar causes inflammation.

PRIYA
I know, I have to stop eating all sugar.

RANDY
Not all sugar—It’s just about moderation.

PRIYA
I’m so pissed. I despise the stupid dentist and now I have to go back again next week! It’s like
torture, don’t you think they just like, love torturing people? He asks me questions WHILE my
mouth is like jammed open with dental tools, it’s—ridiculous and awful.

(turning)
Oh God—Tom! Hi.

TOM
Hi.

PRIYA
How are you?

TOM
I’m good.

PRIYA
Yeah?

TOM
Yup.

PRIYA
I was worried about you, I—. We didn’t think you were coming in today.

TOM
Yeah—I thought I’d do a half-day, /so—.
 48

PRIYA
Good, yeah. Take it easy, you know?

TOM
Thanks, yeah.

PRIYA
It’s good to have you back.

TOM
Thanks.

PRIYA
Oh! shit—you guys: I saw a ton of firetrucks outside.

TOM (rising)
Where?

PRIYA
In front of the State Farm building.

(They all go to the window.)

RANDY (watching)
Oh shit—yeah.

TOM
It’s probably a bomb.

PRIYA
NO— It’s probably something ridiculous, like someone burned popcorn.

TOM
They look hurried.

PRIYA
They’re supposed to hurry, they’re fireman.

RANDY
If it were popcorn, they wouldn’t hurry.

PRIYA
They don’t know it’s popcorn, they just know there’s a fire somewhere.
 49

TOM
It’s probably a bomb.

PRIYA
Stop—that’s not funny.

TOM
I’m not being funny.
(Tom stares out the window. Randy and Priya go
back to their desks.)

(Priya types, sending Randy an instant message. He

types, replying. She types again, replying. He
types again, replying. She clicks on a link: a cat
video. She laughs.)

PRIYA (to Randy)

What is this?!

TOM (turning)
What?

PRIYA
It’s this—weird cat—is he from Japan?

RANDY
It’s Maru.

PRIYA (laughing, watching the video)

Ahhh he’s jumping into a cardboard box! Tom come here, you have to watch this.

(Tom goes over to her desk.)

TOM
Wow.

RANDY
I know, he’s amazing.

PRIYA
Ohmygod he’s amazing!

RANDY
When he’s walking around with the little paper bag on his head? /It’s so good.
 50

PRIYA
Yes!— He’s walking around with it!

TOM
Can he breathe with that thing /on?

PRIYA
Randy ohmygod I love him!

RANDY
I know.

PRIYA
I love him.

RANDY
I know.

TOM
Hey—have you seen the one where the big cat is cradling the kitten, and they’re both asleep, and
then the kitten starts dreaming and its paws quiver and move around, and then the big cat like
stretches out its arms and hugs the kitten? / It’s insanely cute.

PRIYA
Oh yeah, that one’s—I’ve seen that one!

TOM
That’s a good one.

PRIYA
Yeah, totally.
(She smiles at him. Tom goes back to his desk.)

RANDY
Yo—Did you change the Salesforce password?

PRIYA
It expired.

RANDY
Yeah, so what did you change it to?

PRIYA
Uhhhhh hold on.
(She clicks around to find it.)
Uhhh…PriyaSales49 semi-colon. All lowercase.
 51

RANDY
You need better passwords.

PRIYA
It has a semi-colon in it.

RANDY
You should do some uppercase letters though.

PRIYA
So change it.

TOM
Does anyone have Tylenol?

RANDY
Yeah, somewhere in here. Front pocket maybe?

TOM
Thanks.
(Randy tosses Tom his messenger bag. He
narrowly catches it, then searches for Tylenol.)

TOM (searching)
Why do you have so many Altoids?

RANDY
I like them.

TOM
Do you really need…ten tins of them though?

RANDY
Yes.

TOM
Oh—found it, thank you.
(He takes a couple Tylenol and tosses the bag back
to Randy. Priya flashes Randy a look. They all go
back to work. Randy scratches a bug bite.)

RANDY (stopping suddenly)

OH—you guys. I had the most intense thing happen this weekend.
 52

PRIYA / TOM (typing)

What?

RANDY
Okay, so I was out—I went for this run on the greenway—and, well, first of all, the mosquitoes
were just out for blood.

PRIYA
That is usually what they’re out for.

RANDY
I know, but I’m like seriously covered in…euuuaghhhh…apparently my blood tastes super good.

(He scratches his legs. Tom gives him a concerned

glance while typing.)

RANDY
So but anyway, it was SO INTENSE.

PRIYA (typing)
…the mosquitos?

RANDY
No, the—. Okay, so I went out for this run, right? And I got to the end of the greenway, where
that picnic area is? And I actually found this…little path, I guess it was, that went into the
woods. So I ended up following it, actually…for like, awhile…

PRIYA (typing)
Huh.

RANDY
And I’m going along and going along, and the woods are getting dense at this point, like the path
is getting narrower and kind of hard to follow, I’m not sure if I’m even on any path anymore, and
then I see there’s this little…I wouldn’t call it a house, exactly. More like a hut.

PRIYA (typing)
Whoooa…
(Randy leans back in his chair. Tom stops typing
and stares at him.)

TOM
A hut?

RANDY
Yeah, so—I get closer and I see it’s like a real person’s home. Like there’s pieces of clothing
hanging around and weird little, like glass ornaments and chimes and things made of twigs and
 53

bird feathers and stuff. So I’m thinking I should turn around at this point, you know, since I’m
worried I’m trespassing on some crazy medicine woman’s property or something, and I’m so far
in the thick of it now that if I screamed, I doubt anyone could hear me. So I’m turning around
and looking for the path and she comes out.

TOM
…Who?

RANDY
The woman who lives in the /hut.

TOM
Oh my god.

RANDY
Right. So, I’m thinking, Oh my god. She’s going to eat my kidneys with a machete or
something is what I’m thinking. So she steps out of the hut, clearly because she’s seen me from
the window, and I kind of wave and say, Oh sorry, I’m just lost, Sorry, and she gestures for me
to come back toward her and I say, No that’s okay I should be getting back, and then she says, If
you’re going to be peering in my windows then I’d at least like to know your name.

TOM
Holy—whoa.

RANDY
Yeah—So I say, Oh my God, Sorry, it’s Randy. And she says, Hello Randy. And she has this.
This voice. It’s like the most…I don’t know how to even describe…like the most soothing—it’s
like when I was a kid and I’d wake up in the middle of the night and through the wall I could
hear my parents talking to each other in the other room. It had that low quality—like, well—I’m
not explaining it well…but you know what I mean. So she says How are you, Randy? And I
say, Oh, you know, I’m fine, and she says, Let me look at you, and I say, What?, and she says,
Let me. / Look at you.

PRIYA
This is insane.

RANDY
So then I step closer and she looks at me, and I look at her, and she has these eyes, like, this color
that’s aquamarine or or or turquoise—like a color that no one’s eyes could possibly be unless
they’re wearing tinted contacts, but this is a woman in a hut in the depths of the woods and
there’s no way she’s wearing tinted contacts. And so I’m like floating around in this, like,
amazing sea of her eyes and she’s staring at me and she says:
Randy. The time has come.
(He pauses, thoughtful. Priya and Tom are
motionless, listening.)
And then she goes back inside.
 54

And shuts the door.

And I turn around.
And eventually find the path I was on and head back to the picnic area.

PRIYA / TOM (quiet, quiet)

whoa.

RANDY
Anyway, so crazy right?

TOM
What do you think it means?

RANDY
What?

TOM
The time has come?—what do you /think—

RANDY
I don’t know, but—I’m pretty sure she’s some kind of prophet or /something.

PRIYA
Randy.

TOM
Yeah.

RANDY
And there’s been all those coyote sightings in the industrial park too, it’s like—

TOM
What—wait—really?

RANDY
Yeah, they’re like roaming around all of a sudden, it’s totally weird. I sent a thing around /about
it.

TOM
Whoa.

RANDY
It’s all just kind of ominous, you know?
 55

TOM
Yeah…Plus, I, uh—I don’t know if you saw this, but this morning when I was driving I saw this
billboard /with, well it was just black with white—

(There is the blare of sirens; red and white lights

flash across the wall. Tom goes to the window.)

PRIYA
Sounds like they’re leaving.

TOM
Yeah.

RANDY
Do they still look hurried?

TOM
No, I don’t…think so.
(Priya gets up and joins Tom at the window. They
watch the firetrucks pull away.)

(She leans a little closer to him, quiet)

PRIYA
It probably wasn’t a bomb.

TOM
Yeah.

PRIYA
Some intern probably set off the fire alarm by accident.

TOM
Yeah.

PRIYA
It was probably nothing.

TOM
Yeah.
(She looks at him. He stares out the window,
breathing.)

PRIYA
You okay?
 56

TOM
Uh, yeah, I’m uh….

PRIYA
S’okay, you don’t have to answer that.

You still up for doing that conference call with me later?

(Randy’s cell phone rings too loud: JAY-Z’s 99

Problems is his ring tone.)

RANDY’s CELL PHONE

“If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one…I got
99 problems but a bitch ain’t one…I got 99 problems but /a bitch ain’t—“

RANDY
Oh shit—Sorry sorry sorry.
(He finds the phone in his bag and clicks it silent.)
Ew, no—I do NOT want to talk to you.

PRIYA
Um…so…yeah, uh—conference call. Are you still up for it?

TOM
Yeah.

PRIYA
Okay, good.
(She smiles at him and goes back to her desk.)

PRIYA
Randy, get a new ring tone.

RANDY
I know—Sorry.

TOM (turning to Randy)

They’re just roaming the streets?

RANDY
The coyotes?

TOM
Yeah.
 57

RANDY
Yup. I sent around a thing—this video of the cops chasing one. It’s super intense.

TOM
Did they catch it?

RANDY
Nope. Still out there.

TOM
Huh.

(Tom turns back to the window. Priya watches him

for a moment, then goes back to work.)

***
 58

Fourth Floor.
(Dennis stands in his office, staring into a cabinet,
heating water in an electric kettle. Vivian appears
in the doorway, timid, holding a thick folder.)

VIVIAN
…Sorry, are you Dennis?

DENNIS (turning)
That’s me.

VIVIAN
Hi. Charlene asked me to bring this to you. She’s cleaning out some files but wasn’t sure about
this one. If it—if we could toss it or not or if you might need it.

DENNIS
Oh, sure.
(She hands him the folder. He leafs through it)

DENNIS (looking through folder)

Yeah…um, yeah, I’ll keep this. You can thank Charlene for me.

VIVIAN
Sure.
(She turns to go.)

DENNIS
Sorry, what’s your name?

VIVIAN
Vivian.

DENNIS
Vivian. Ah. Okay. You’re interning in finance?—/No—you had a fellowship? What was it?

VIVIAN
I was.
Now I’m with Charlene for awhile. I might move around.

DENNIS
Right. Right.
Would you like some tea, Vivian?

VIVIAN
No, I’m fine.
 59

DENNIS
There’s lots of good ones to choose from.

VIVIAN
…I’m /okay…

DENNIS (holding up a box)

Like Bengal Tiger Spice. See? There’s a very intimidating tiger on the front.

VIVIAN
Yeah, /there—.

DENNIS (holding up another box)

Or perhaps you’d prefer Plantation Mint.

VIVIAN
…Yeah…I’m not supposed to have peppermint.

DENNIS
Why?

VIVIAN
Acid reflux.

DENNIS
Peppermint aggravates that?

VIVIAN
Everything aggravates it.

DENNIS
Oh no.

VIVIAN
Stress. Anxiety, peppermint…all that stuff.

DENNIS
Huh.

VIVIAN
So—I’m really /okay.

DENNIS (holding up a third box)

What about Sleepytime? This bear is wearing a night cap and sleeping in a rocking chair, so it
must be pretty good.
 60

VIVIAN
But then I’ll just fall asleep.

DENNIS
Then you can go in the bathroom and take a power nap.

VIVIAN
Umm.

DENNIS
I’m completely serious—This is how I’ve survived ten years of this job. From 3:30PM onward,
I go to the bathroom about every hour and go in the stall and sleep for about seven minutes.
Terry thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome.

VIVIAN
Who’s Terry?

DENNIS
My officemate.
(He looks over at her desk)
She…went to a meeting or something.

VIVIAN
On the floor?

DENNIS
What?

VIVIAN
You sleep on the bathroom floor?

DENNIS
No, no, God no. Just sitting there, on the toilet.

VIVIAN
Oh.

DENNIS
Yes, but I’m not, like ON the toilet, like—

VIVIAN
No, yeah yeah yeah I know.

DENNIS
It helps. So, tea?
 61

VIVIAN
Uhhh / hhhh

DENNIS
Oh have some.

VIVIAN
Is there Red Zinger?

DENNIS
Really?

VIVIAN
What? I like /it.

DENNIS
Vivian: Red zinger is simply fruity without being any distinct fruit. It’s “red” flavored.

VIVIAN
I guess….

DENNIS
Go with Bengal Tiger.

VIVIAN
Eughhhhhhh

DENNIS
Bengal Tigerrrr.

VIVIAN
Yeah…

DENNIS
Bengal Tiger Bengal Tiger.

VIVIAN
Okay, Bengal Tiger.

DENNIS
Excellent choice.
(He plops a tea bag in a paper cup and pours hot
water over it. He hands it to her.)
There you are.
 62

VIVIAN (taking it)

Thank you.

DENNIS
My pleasure.
So how’s it been going?

VIVIAN
Pretty good.

DENNIS
Do you like working with Charlene?

VIVIAN
Yeah, it’s—yeah, she’s great.

DENNIS
Good, good.
So, I uh…I heard about the thing.

VIVIAN
…Okay.

DENNIS
I’m sorry, of course you don’t /want to—

VIVIAN
It’s fine…but, yeah I really /don’t.

DENNIS
Totally, of course. This was all I was going to say about it: It is very unfortunate for one person
to ruin your whole experience of this place. Because most people here are pretty nice people, /I
think.

VIVIAN
I know, I just really don’t want /to—

DENNIS
Sure, of course.

VIVIAN (turning to go)

Thanks. Um, well—Nice to meet you, and have a good rest of your day.

DENNIS (calling after her)

I made a toilet explode.
 63

VIVIAN
What?

DENNIS
The toilet that exploded this morning? That was me.

VIVIAN
Oh.

DENNIS
So. See. I’m embarrassed about something too.

VIVIAN
I’m not embarrassed.

DENNIS
Oh, no, I know—I didn’t mean—

VIVIAN
I didn’t do anything /embarrassing.

DENNIS
No—God—I know.

VIVIAN
So. Not exactly the same thing.

DENNIS
Yes, of course, you’re—completely right.
But, still, um. Well…I’M incredibly embarrassed. For I am responsible for basically flooding
an entire bathroom. So. If you’re going about your day thinking, like, MAN I feel like shit, you
can now think about me and say to yourself, oh yeah, Dennis too feels like shit. And then you
won’t feel so alone.

VIVIAN
Yeah.

DENNIS
Like literal shit.

VIVIAN (breaking)
Okay. Thanks.

DENNIS
That is all I’ll say—I’m done.
(She peers at him for moment.)
 64

DENNIS
What?

VIVIAN
I think I saw you at the gym. Do you live in /Readington?

DENNIS (quiet)
Oh Shit.

VIVIAN
What?

DENNIS
This is terrible.

VIVIAN
What?

DENNIS
I knew this would happen at some point, I just didn’t expect it from you.

VIVIAN
What?

DENNIS
Why were you at the Readington YMCA?

VIVIAN
Because I live in Readington.

DENNIS
Really?

VIVIAN
Yes.

DENNIS
Shit.

VIVIAN
What?!
 65

DENNIS
Well, first of all, even for normal people, I think, it’s pretty embarrassing to be seen at the gym.
But for a fat, sweaty person, such as myself, it is a thousand times more extremely embarrassing
to be seen at the gym.

VIVIAN
Oh—/no—

DENNIS
It might even be worse than being seen/ naked.

VIVIAN
Don’t be embarrassed.

DENNIS
…Sweaty and fat and out of breath and just…Yes—the most horrific state I could possibly be
seen in.

VIVIAN
I was sweaty too.

DENNIS
I bet you had like one tiny, perfectly-shaped glittering drop of sweat just poised on your temple
and that’s it.

VIVIAN
That is not /true.

DENNIS
You were probably all fresh and dry and prancing around...

VIVIAN
I sweat a lot, /actually.

DENNIS
And I bet you love to run.

VIVIAN
I…do, I /guess.

DENNIS
Yeah—you probably just glide through the air, like your feet don’t even touch the ground, you’re
just like yaaaay I’m ruuuunnninggg—!
(he demonstrates; she laughs)
 66

VIVIAN (laughing)
What?!

DENNIS
That’s probably what you look like.

VIVIAN
Was that your trainer with you?

DENNIS
The woman barking orders at me?

VIVIAN
Yeah, with the—wearing the cute /outfit.

DENNIS
Auuugggh Vivian!

VIVIAN
What?!

DENNIS
I don’t want you to know I have a trainer. I don’t want anyone in this company to know I have a
trainer. Because it’s extremely embarrassing, as we decided earlier—which is why I chose to go
to a gym very far away from here. And now you’ve ruined it by living in Readington. Why do
you live in Readington?

VIVIAN
My friend—my friend from college had an extra room. And it’s cheap. And it’s in Readington.

DENNIS
Can you move you think?

VIVIAN (laughing)
No!

DENNIS
I have a great broker.

VIVIAN
I can’t afford to use a broker.

DENNIS
She’ll cut you a deal. I hear Wendale’s really nice. Up and coming.
 67

VIVIAN
I’m not moving.

DENNIS
Eughh, Vivian! Okay, then what’s your gym schedule? We can coordinate. I’m usually there in
the mornings, so you could go in the evenings. Or we could trade off, like every other week.

VIVIAN
Please don’t be embarrassed.

DENNIS
Now see Vivian, you are a little sparkling prancing thing with no sweat glands and clearly have
never been fat. Because then you would understand the deep horror that I am feeling right now.

VIVIAN
You’re not—.

DENNIS
No, I’m not being self-deprecating or anything, I’m just telling you the truth about what I
know— which is that I am a fat guy. I sweat a lot. I have to bring an extra shirt to work in case I
get too sweaty.

VIVIAN
You’re really /not…

DENNIS
No no no I’m not looking for reassurance. I’m just telling you. I am very fat. I’m so fat I broke
a toilet off a wall and made it explode.
(She stares into her tea, laughing.)

VIVIAN (trying to hold it together)

…I’m sorry—

DENNIS
No, it’s fine.

VIVIAN
…Sorry, you just—. Sorry.
(Her laughter subsides.)

DENNIS
In all seriousness, I am trying to take better care of myself.

VIVIAN
That’s good.
 68

DENNIS
My father died of a heart attack at 54, so.

VIVIAN
Oh god.

DENNIS
He keeled over at a Chinese buffet. /It was like the perfect fat person’s death.

VIVIAN
Oh god.
Stop, that’s terrible.

DENNIS
It was terrible. Then my mom died at a Pizza Hut.

VIVIAN
Ohmygod Stop.

DENNIS
No, I know, it’s awful. And it was totally unrelated to being fat, if you can believe it, though
people always /assume…

VIVIAN
What was it?

DENNIS
She was shot.

VIVIAN
God, are you serious?

DENNIS
Yeah, this messed up kid came in all high on something and shot her, an old man, and the
cashier.

VIVIAN
Holy shit.

DENNIS
Yeah. And it’s insulting on top of everything else, because she really loved Pizza Hut.

VIVIAN
God, I’m—/sorry.
 69

DENNIS
Yeah.

VIVIAN
I’m—God, that’s just so awful.

DENNIS
I know, I shouldn’t make jokes about it.

VIVIAN
Maybe it’s good you can make jokes. Part of the grieving process or /something.

DENNIS
Yeahhh… I think I do it too much though. No one knows when to take me seriously anymore.

VIVIAN
I’m really sorry.

DENNIS
Thanks.
(A pause.)
Do you just get so tired of people trying to talk to you all the time?

VIVIAN
Um. I don’t know.

DENNIS
I imagine people are always trying to talk to you.

VIVIAN
Why?

DENNIS
Because you’re one of the beautiful people. People love beautiful people.

VIVIAN
Uhhh, well. No. I mean, people don’t…People always assume things…if they think
you’re…beautiful or hot or whatever. There is always the assumption that you glide through
everything and that nothing is difficult and you don’t have to work hard or think about
anything—and that you never feel like utter shit about yourself, which of course, as a human
being, or an American, or whatever it is, you do. You spend most of your time feeling like shit
just like everyone else. So actually most people don’t want to talk to me at all because they
already decided that they hate me.

DENNIS (quiet)
Really?
 70

VIVIAN
Yes.

DENNIS
That’s terrible.
(She shrugs and shifts her weight. He smiles at
her.)

DENNIS
…Have you, uh—met Laura Beth in Analytics? Fifth floor?

VIVIAN
Uhhhh, no, I don’t / think so.

DENNIS
Tall, kind of strange voice?

VIVIAN
OH, yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. One time /maybe?

DENNIS
Right, so—Leonora Vincent, of Analytics, who you have met, lovely woman—USED to be
Lawrence Vincent of Analytics.

VIVIAN
What?

DENNIS
Yeah.

VIVIAN
Whoa.

DENNIS
He fell off the roof and became a woman.

VIVIAN
Wait—/what?

DENNIS
So apparently he (she) always felt he (she) was a woman trapped in a man’s body and then he
fell off the roof and his whole life flashed before his eyes, I guess, and he realized he didn’t want
to live the lie anymore. So. There’s a lesson in that for all of us.
 71

VIVIAN
There is?

DENNIS
Isn’t there?

VIVIAN
I don’t know.

DENNIS
There probably is.
Maybe we should all go fall off the roof?

VIVIAN
Maybe.

DENNIS
At least the metaphorical roof. Might do us good.

Anyway. Vivian: Are you going to be at the gym in the morning?

VIVIAN
Uhh maybe?

DENNIS
I need a definitive answer here.

VIVIAN
Yes.

DENNIS
I’ll go tonight then. I’m going to draw up a schedule and send it over to you for approval.

VIVIAN (smiling)
Great.

DENNIS
And if you could just initial that and get back to me by EOB, that would be super.

VIVIAN
What’s EOB?

DENNIS
End of business. Business day.
 72

VIVIAN
Ah.

DENNIS
Welp, I’m gonna go stare into my computer and pretend to be thinking about something for the
next…hour or so.

VIVIAN
Okay, I should do that too.

DENNIS (holding the folder)

Thank you for the folder.

VIVIAN
Oh—sure.
(She makes her way to the door.)

DENNIS
Hey, uh, for what it’s worth—I like talking to you.

VIVIAN
Oh…Thanks.

DENNIS
So, uhhhhhhh—stop by any time.

VIVIAN
Thanks.
(He nods. And gives a small wave. He goes back
to his desk and stares at his computer. Vivian looks
at him for a moment, then leaves; he looks up after
her.)

***
 73

Fifth Floor.
(Hushed voices in the hallway. Farrah and Yuri
enter quietly into a small maintenance room.
There’s a large sink, cleaning supplies, mops and
metal shelves, etc.)

FARRAH (whispering)
Okay.

YURI
What are we doing /in here?

FARRAH (through clenched teeth)

Shhhhhhhhh! Leonora’s office is Right. There.

(She closes the door)

YURI (quiet)
What are we doing?

FARRAH (closing the door)

We’re going to practice.
(She goes over to the sink, turns on the water and
plugs the drain.)

YURI
I don’t think we should be in here.

FARRAH
It’s fine. No one comes in here, hardly.

YURI
How do you know that?

FARRAH
I come up here sometimes.

YURI (eyeing the sink)

For what?

FARRAH
You’ll see.

YURI (looking at the door)

I don’t think we should be in /here.
 74

FARRAH
Just—chill out.
(She watches the sink fill.)

YURI
What are we doing /with the sink?

FARRAH
Practicing.
(She turns off the water.)
Okay, stick your head in there.

YURI
What?! No.

FARRAH
Come on.

YURI
No.

FARRAH
You have to get over your fear of water if you’re ever going to swim.

YURI
I’m wearing a suit.

FARRAH
I didn’t say put your suit in the sink. Your head will dry off.

YURI
I really /don’t—

FARRAH
It’s not that bad—I’ll do it too.

YURI (shaking his head)

No.

FARRAH
Yuri!—Do you want to learn how to swim or not?
(Yuri shakes his head vehemently.)

FARRAH
EUGHRRRR fine. Look.
 75

(She leans over and throws her head in the sink,

submerging it in water. She holds it under for a
long time. Yuri shifts his weight, uncomfortable.
She stays submerged for what seems way too long.)

YURI (putting his hand on her back)

Farrah?
(She throws her head back, breathing in deeply,
filling her lungs and throwing water everywhere.
She shakes her head and her chest heaves; she stares
at him, water running down her face.)

FARRAH
/See?

YURI
Jesus you scared /me.

FARRAH
It’s easy.
(He laughs nervously)

FARRAH
What?

YURI
You just come up here sometimes and stick your head underwater?

FARRAH
Yeah.

YURI
Really.

FARRAH
Yes.

YURI (laughing, shaking his head)

That is…you’re crazy.

FARRAH
No I’m not—it’s—you’ll see—it’s /nice.

YURI
No thanks.
 76

FARRAH
Yuri, come on.

YURI
No, I’m good.

FARRAH
YURI.

YURI
No.

FARRAH
Do it.

YURI
You’re crazy.

FARRAH
DO IT.

YURI
NO.

FARRAH (coming at him)

YURI THE WORLD IS GOING TO END SOON PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE /SINK!

YURI
Augh!—Fine fine fine fine FINE

(He throws his head in the sink. He brings it back

up immediately, breathing in deeply, panicking.)
NOPE no no—
(Farrah pushes his head back in. He struggles; she
holds him under. Eventually he bucks, throwing his
head back, reemerging. Farrah steps away.)

(He leans over his legs and breathes. They are quiet
for a moment. There is only the sound of Yuri’s
heavy breathing.)

FARRAH
See? It’s nice.

YURI
What /the—
 77

FARRAH
It feels good, /doesn’t it?

YURI
What is wrong with you?!

FARRAH
Yuri.

YURI
Seriously what is wrong with /you?!

FARRAH
Me? You said you wanted to swim, /so

YURI
SWIM—yes—not drown in a fucking sink, /Jesus.

FARRAH
It’s not my fault you’re a pussy.

YURI
A pussy?—How is /that—

FARRAH
If you want to learn to swim you have to be able to put your head underwater, /Yuri.

YURI
You’re mean and crazy, you know /that?

FARRAH
Yeah great.

YURI
You’re a mean /person.

FARRAH
Oh God okay.

YURI
A completely insane asshole of a /person.

FARRAH
All right!
 78

(They stand in silence, breathing. Yuri wipes water

from his face and shakes his head; Farrah stands
still, quiet. A long moment.)

FARRAH (quiet)
I’m sorry.

YURI (wiping water from his hair)

Yeah.

FARRAH
…I think it used to be—charming…or something.

YURI
What?

FARRAH
Being an asshole and being a girl. It used to be kind of charming. But, uh…I think I’ve crossed
some line into just being horrible to be around.

YURI
…Sometimes.

FARRAH
Yeahhhh…I think I just—drive people away these days.

(She wipes water from her face. Yuri peers at her.)

YURI
Do you have a relationship with Bill?

FARRAH
Uhhh…

YURI
I mean, did you have?

FARRAH
Why?

YURI
You seem upset over his engagement.

FARRAH
Oh, no, I was just—that’s just me being my asshole self. Jennifer’s nice.
 79

YURI
Yes.

FARRAH
She’s one of those people that other people always want to be talking to. So—.

I guess I’m just pissed that Bill’s—…whatever, I don’t know, like—speeding ahead without me.
I mean, not “without me,” but—. I don’t know, maybe without me.
Not that I’m like dying to be married, or pining away for a wedding or something, I’m NOT. I
hate that shit. I guess I just want that feeling of, okay, things are figured out, here I am with this
job and this person and we’re planning for a life.

YURI
That’s not necessarily what marriage feels like.

FARRAH
Shouldn’t it, though?

YURI (laughing at himself)

I don’t know! I guess don’t ask me.

FARRAH
What?

YURI
Rebecca and I are separating.

FARRAH
…When did that happen?

YURI
Last week. I—well, it has been happening for years, but I moved out last week.

FARRAH
What about David?

YURI
He…will split time between the two of us….It makes me very sick to think about.

FARRAH
Sure, yeah. I mean—is it permanent, or are you going to like, try to work things /out, or—?

YURI
I don’t know. I mean I love her…but I wonder if it is really just my memories of her and David
and the nostalgia I have for a period of time.
 80

FARRAH
Yeah, it’s weird how that—Like you feel so desperate for someone and then at some point you
just don’t.

YURI
Yes.

FARRAH
We did have a thing once, I guess. Bill.

YURI
Ah.

FARRAH
We lived together in college, in this shitty house—like the heat never worked and—oh God it
was such a shithole—but we…it was never—we never DID anything—it was just this unspoken
thing that very clearly existed…and neither of us ever acted on it, so—…
And he used to be more nervous? Like he would always wear this nasty sweatshirt with coffee
stains and he’d tuck his hands inside the sleeves and get all self-conscious and his glasses were
too big for his face and…I don’t know. He used to be anxious. I liked him.
But.

YURI
That was a long time ago.

FARRAH
Yeah. He, uh—

YURI
Changed.

FARRAH
Yeah.
I’m sorry waterboarded you.

YURI
Eh—it was probably good for me in some way.

So. What else should we do before the world ends?

FARRAH
I don’t know.
(she laughs)
When I was a kid I wanted to be captain of a boat.
 81

YURI
Really?

FARRAH
I told my mom I wanted to drive a boat and order people around.

YURI
That sounds…appropriate.

FARRAH
And my mom—I remember, she said, “people with boats are rich WASPs with white pants and
sweaters around their necks.” And then—shit, oh yeah—it took me forever to figure out what a
WASP was…because I had imagined these weird, giant insect-people, so…

YURI
Well, we only have a month.

FARRAH
Yeah.

YURI
So I guess just buy some white pants.

FARRAH
Okay.

YURI
And you can yell orders at me.

FARRAH
Thanks Yuri.

YURI
I’m good at getting yelled at.

FARRAH
Great.
(A pause.)

YURI (covering his face, laughing a bit)

Ehhhhhhhhhh I’m fucking sad.

FARRAH (laughing)
Yeah, me too.
(They look at their feet, laughing, then at each
other. A brief moment together; then it passes.)
 82

YURI
Well, should we go back to it?

FARRAH
Yeah.
(He turns toward the door.)
Hey—are we friends?

YURI
Yes, we are fine.

FARRAH
No, I mean…can we be friends?

YURI
Oh—. Yes.

FARRAH
Okay. Good.
(She follows him toward the door.)
I have a towel in my desk you can use if you want.

YURI
Oh—thank you.

FARRAH
Sure.

***
 83

Sixth floor.
(Priya, Tom and Bill sit at a table with a conference
phone between them. Priya hits a button to end the
call. She eats Reese’s Pieces out of a paper cup.
Bill is distracted, rubbing his eyes, clearly
exhausted.)

PRIYA
Well that was a waste of everyone’s time.

TOM
It really was.

PRIYA
How many times did Dave just drop off that call?

TOM
I think six /times.

PRIYA
And then we literally just spent an hour discussing something that could have taken ten minutes
to discuss.

TOM
Plus for some reason someone had a small dog with them? Did you hear that /high-pitched
barking?

PRIYA
I know! Yes!

TOM
I think it was Brad.

PRIYA
Probably. He brings his dog to work?

TOM
I think he works remotely most of the time.

PRIYA
Seriously? What a jerk.
(She munches on Reese’s pieces. They look at
Bill.)
PRIYA
You all right there?
 84

BILL
Yeah—yup.

PRIYA
You sure?

BILL
Sorry, just—I was up super early to travel this morning. I guess I’m hitting a /wall.

PRIYA
Oh yeahhhh—I heard through the grapevine you might be leaving us.

BILL
Uhhh yeah. Might be.

TOM
Promotion?

BILL
Promotion.

PRIYA
That’s great.

BILL
Yeah, we’ll see.

PRIYA
You don’t sound too psyched about it.

BILL
No, I am—I just, uh…I don’t know.

PRIYA
What.

BILL
Things are—cascading.

They want me to move to Charlotte.

TOM
Charlotte’s nice.

BILL
Yeah, it’s—nice. And the job’s good, it’s a good job...
 85

PRIYA (chewing)
It definitely is.

BILL
I’m gonna be a Vice President who lives in Charlotte with a wife and…like kids and all the stuff
that comes with kids.

TOM
That doesn’t sound so /terrible.

BILL
I mean is there a way to have kids and not have all that stuff?—No, it’s—yeah—I didn’t mean to
sound ungrateful.
I never thought I’d work here for more than two years. So.

(He gives a distracted smile. Priya and Tom nod.)

BILL (gathering himself)

Well, I should head down—I still have some stuff to do, /so—.

TOM (gathering his things)

Yeah, right, me too.
(Tom and Bill gather their things; Priya stands but
doesn’t gather her things.)

PRIYA
Um—actually, can we chat really quick?

TOM
Oh—uh, sure.

PRIYA
Great.
(They are all quiet for a brief moment. Priya sits
back down.)

BILL
Well—Have a good night, guys.

PRIYA
/Yeah, you too. Congrats again.

TOM
/You too, yeah.
 86

BILL
Thanks.
(Bill gives a small wave, inhales, and exits.)

(Tom sits down next to her.)

TOM
Everything all right?

PRIYA
Yes, I’m sorry—yeah, it’s nothing bad.

TOM
Okay.

PRIYA
I’m, uh….That was scary last week.

TOM
I know, I—sorry if I freaked you out.

PRIYA
No that’s—I didn’t mean that, I meant—I don’t like to see you like that.

TOM
Clutching my chest and screaming?

PRIYA
You weren’t screaming, come on.

TOM
I made some kind of horrible sound.

PRIYA
No, you just kept saying “I can’t breathe, I can’t /breathe.”

TOM
I know, I’m sorry.

PRIYA
No—don’t—stop saying sorry, that’s not what I mean. I mean—eughhh what do I mean?

TOM
…I don’t /know.
 87

PRIYA
I’m just wondering what’s going on in there.
(She pours candy into her open palm.)

TOM
…Oh, I’m just—.

PRIYA
What.

TOM
Worried. About things.

PRIYA
You know that coyote thing is probably a hoax, right?

TOM
The video looked pretty real.

PRIYA
Tom.

TOM
It just feels like there’s a lot of stuff happening all of a sudden and—oh, well, and now to add to
it all—THE TIME HAS COME?!—that’s /just—

PRIYA
Tom, the time-has-come-woman was very likely some kind of marijuana-induced illusion.

TOM
What?

PRIYA
You know Randy is high a lot of the time, right?

TOM
NO.

PRIYA
Yeah.

TOM
At work?

PRIYA
Yeah.
 88

TOM
Wow. But he’s so efficient.

PRIYA
Yeah, he’s probably better on it than off it at this point—But, okay, so—it’s not just the coyotes.

TOM
…No, it’s….Also, this, uhhh—this publisher called last week and they want to publish Jane’s
book.

PRIYA
Oh—whoa.
That must be strange.

TOM
Yeah. Yeah. It’s—just—weird that she won’t, uhh, she won’t be able to see it happen.

PRIYA
Sure.

TOM
So.
(He looks down at his hands, flexing his fingers up
and down. Priya watches him, then puts a palmful
of candy in her mouth. She chews and swallows.)

PRIYA
Well shit.
I’m—just going to ask you this anyway—um, so, hey—do you want to come out for drinks for
my birthday tomorrow?

TOM
Tomorrow’s your birthday?

PRIYA
It’s on Wednesday, but I’m—I have to go to my niece’s dance recital that night, so I figured I’d
do drinks and stuff tomorrow instead.

TOM
Wow, /um—

PRIYA
It’ll be somewhere near my house, probably, like right after dinner sometime. Or we… actually
we could get dinner first somewhere.
 89

TOM
Oh, yeah/ I—

PRIYA
No pressure /though.

TOM
No, I—it sounds nice.

PRIYA
Yeah? Okay.

TOM
Wait, but—you mean with Randy and everyone, /or?

PRIYA
Yeah, for drinks, yeah. But we could do dinner on our own somewhere…/or something.

TOM
Like friends dinner, or…?

PRIYA
You’re killing me Tom—No, like date dinner.

TOM
Ohhh.
(She squeezes her eyes closed, then opens them.)

PRIYA
You know I like you, right?

TOM
…I—. No, I didn’t /know.

PRIYA
I like you. You’re neurotic as hell and full of…this basically palpable sadness but I—yeah, I just
really like you. So.
(She looks at him. He nods. She waits. He keeps
nodding.)

TOM
Really?

PRIYA
Yeah.
 90

TOM
Really?

PRIYA
Yes. For like—since I started here.

TOM
Wow.

PRIYA
I like, cry to Randy in bars about it all the time.

TOM
I didn’t know.

PRIYA
No, well, I didn’t—I mean you were dealing with a lot and—. The timing was never—it never
seemed appropriate.

TOM
Right.

PRIYA
And it still doesn’t, actually, but, I don’t know—I’m realizing timing is rarely appropriate for
anything, so might as well just…
(Priya smiles nervously, then eats some more
Reese’s Pieces, staring at the table.)
And I can’t make myself stop eating candy.

TOM
There are worse things.

PRIYA
I guess so.

TOM
I uhhhh…I am completely…I am flabbergasted that /you would—

PRIYA
Flabbergasted.

TOM
I mean, you know—I mean I’m flattered. I’m flattered.

PRIYA
Yeah.
 91

TOM
But I’m—I…can’t.

PRIYA
Okay.

TOM
Because I…well, I just don’t know that I’m capable anymore.

PRIYA
Yeah.

TOM
/So.

PRIYA
No—I get it.
(Priya nods. They both look at the table.)

PRIYA
Well. Iiiiiii’m gonna go back down I think.

TOM
Sure, yeah.

PRIYA
You gonna come, or?

TOM
Yeah, no you—uh, go on ahead. I’m supposed to do a follow-up call with Dave, so I might as
well just do it from here.

PRIYA
Okay.
(holding out her cup of candy)
You want the rest of these?

TOM
No—I’m good.

PRIYA
Okay.
(She stands and gathers her things.)
 92

PRIYA
If you want to still come for drinks tomorrow, you should.

TOM
Okay.

PRIYA
Everything isn’t as terrifying as you think.

(He looks at her)

Okay, see you down there.

TOM
Yeah, I’ll—see you.

(She leaves. Tom nods, then hits the power button

on the phone. A loud dial tone is heard. He sits
alone and listens to the dial tone.)

***
 93

Seventh floor.

(George Michaelson’s office. Walter installs new

shelves, using a drill. George leans back in his
chair and stares, pensive, out the window. He’s
drunk but it isn’t obvious.)

GEORGE
There’s coyotes out there.

WALTER (stopping drilling)

What?

GEORGE
There’s been coyotes sighted in the industrial park.

WALTER
Oh yeah?

GEORGE
I’ve heard.

WALTER
Huh.
(Walter drills.)

GEORGE
The cops had to chase one down with a stun gun.

WALTER (stopping drilling)

Sorry?

GEORGE
The cops were chasing one down with a stun gun.

WALTER
They catch it?

GEORGE
Nope.

WALTER
Well good.

GEORGE
I know.
 94

(Walter continues working.)

GEORGE
Have you ever seen one?

WALTER
A coyote or a cop?

GEORGE
Haaaa. That’s good. No, a coyote.

WALTER
Nope.

GEORGE
They’re impressive creatures.

WALTER
Yeah?

GEORGE
There’s wolf in them, you know.

WALTER
I didn’t know.

GEORGE
Part dog, part wolf.

They were all over the land where I grew up—and you could hear them at night, calling out to
each other. And as a kid, I always wondered what they were saying, you know? Was it some
kind of warning? Or some kind of greeting? Or just a mating call? I don’t know.

WALTER
Huh.

GEORGE
I hate to think of a creature like that being taken off guard, you know? Especially by some
rookie cop wielding a stungun.

WALTER
Yeah.

GEORGE
A stungun. It’s just—vile.
 95

WALTER
People do stupid things.

GEORGE
People really do.

It’s…Wallace right?

WALTER
Walter.

GEORGE
Walter. Walter. Walter. I’m sorry—I’ve gotten so bad with names.

WALTER
It happens.
(Walter is about to drill.)

WALTER
Sorry this is so loud—it won’t take long. I was supposed to do it while you were in a meeting,
but I got delayed by the toilet on /four.

GEORGE (waving him off)

Oh no no—Doesn’t bother me.

WALTER
All right.
(Walter drills loudly.)

GEORGE
Do you own land?

WALTER
Uhhh I mean I have a yard. Still paying off the mortgage on the house, though.

GEORGE
My father owned land. Acres of it. Out in Colorado.

WALTER
Nice. That where you grew up?

GEORGE
Yes. And damn if I don’t miss it sometimes. All that space, you know?

WALTER
Sure.
 96

GEORGE
We didn’t have a yard, we had a whole landscape, you know?—there wasn’t just a little fence
around a little square of grass. We had a whole…world.
(He laughs to himself.)
You want to know something sad?

WALTER
What?

GEORGE
Now—now I live on a golf course.

WALTER
You play golf?

GEORGE
I fucking hate golf.

WALTER
Huh.

GEORGE
I’m terrible at it. Do you play?

WALTER
Never interested me much, to be honest.

GEORGE
Me neither. But for some reason we built this house right by the seventh hole of a golf course.
Because…I don’t know, for some reason, that’s what we did. Because it was cheap to build out
there at the time, I don’t remember, there was some reason. I hope. But now—anyway—I can’t
go in my backyard without seeing some idiot in plaid pants. My wife thinks it’s hilarious.

WALTER (smiling)
That’s too bad man.

GEORGE
It’s depressing, is what it is.

WALTER
Does your wife play?

GEORGE (laughing)
No! Neither of us plays. Except the kind at the beach.
 97

WALTER
Mini-golf.

GEORGE
Yes! That. And we’re both shitty at that, too!

WALTER
Oh well.
(George sighs and looks out the window. Walter
attaches the last bracket to the wall.)
This looking like how you wanted it?

GEORGE (glancing over)

Yeah—that’s great.
(Walter sets up the first shelf.)

GEORGE
You know what else is sad? We now have to budget in money for more “resilient” toilets
because some of our employees are too fat for the normal ones.

WALTER
Yeah….the one I fixed on four was in pretty bad shape.

GEORGE
It’s sad.

WALTER
I /guess.

GEORGE
And the problem—I think, unfortunately—is this place—I mean, people aren’t meant to sit all
day. But here they are, getting sucked into their screens and their phones and their chairs and
they’re forgetting what it’s like to be living, breathing, moving animals.

WALTER
Could be.

GEORGE
It’s unnatural—staring at these glowing boxes all day, just—typing and…you know?

(Walter waits for him to go on—he doesn’t; George

turns and stares out the window. Walter sets up the
next shelf.)

GEORGE (turning back)

I’d be a coyote if I could.
 98

WALTER
Sorry?

GEORGE
If I could, I would be a coyote.

WALTER (smiling)
That like your spirit animal /or something?

GEORGE
Like I’d make my way through the desert and the dark, hunting mice and moles and voles and —
And then each night I’d eat what I caught and stare up at the huge black sky, like the blackest
sky you’ve ever seen with trillions of stars and then I’d go on to the next night, not knowing
what I’m going to catch or where I’m going to catch it, you know, just knowing I’ll have to catch
something—and that’s all I’d do, just sleep and hunt and eat and roam around and just…be—you
know?
What would you be?

WALTER
Uhhhh

GEORGE
If you could choose.

WALTER
Geez, man…I don’t know.

GEORGE
You must know. Just—whatever comes to mind first. Just whatever pops in there, that’s your
instinct, that’s it.

WALTER
Uhhhhh, well a cat, then. I guess.

GEORGE (nodding)
Yeahhh.

WALTER
Yeah a cat.

GEORGE
Definitely—I could see that. Independent.

WALTER
Yeah. There’s a lot going on there, you know—under the surface.
 99

GEORGE
God yes. They’re complex as hell, cats.
(He smiles to himself.)
My daughter’s cat—well, it’s the family cat but he clearly belongs to her—he’s always looking
at me like “who the fuck are you again?” You know? Like he’s got a secret plot going on in his
head about how he might sneak up on me in the middle of the night and tear off a piece of my
face or something…and I swear to God sometimes he walks through walls, he’s always just
“appearing” in this way, it’s—disarming.

WALTER
Ha, yeah. What’s his name?

GEORGE
Brutus. Of all names. I don’t think he likes me very much, but we respect each other. And he
adores Allison, just—he’s very protective of her. Which I appreciate.

WALTER
Yeah they’re good like that. Allison is your daughter?

GEORGE
Yes.

WALTER
That’s my wife’s name too, Allison.

GEORGE
Oh yeah?

WALTER
Yup. It’s a good one.
(Walter sets up the last shelf. George leans back in
his chair.)

GEORGE
You have any daughters, Walter?

WALTER (focused on the shelf)

Nope, just a son.

GEORGE
Ah, okay. I was going to ask your advice.

WALTER (focused on the shelf)

On what?
 100

GEORGE
Oh, on daughters…I seem to be failing as a parent to mine lately.

WALTER (finishing the shelf)

Welp—I’m afraid I can’t help you much there.

GEORGE
No, I guess not. She’s scaring the living hell out of me lately.

WALTER
Yeah?

GEORGE
She’s skinny as a—I mean, she’s sick.

WALTER (shaking his head)

Aw, that’s no good.

GEORGE
Her bones, you know—they’re like sticking out of—and her collar bone, that’s—that might be
the worst thing I’ve ever seen, the way it just juts out like—aughh, it’s nightmarish. And the
therapist says I can’t say anything to her about how she looks, because I’m a man and I can’t
send any message to her about how she looks, good or bad, I’m just supposed to talk to her about
other things, but how can I look at her and not want to say something, /it’s—.

WALTER
Yeah.

GEORGE
She’s just willing herself to die, you know, she’s—….
(He blinks and shakes his head.)
I’m sorry.

WALTER
No—You’re fine.

GEORGE
I mean what kind of world are we in where a person would willfully and strategically NOT eat,
you know, NOT do this thing that every single one of your natural instincts is telling you to do to
survive…?

WALTER
I don’t know.
 101

GEORGE
And if it’s that she just doesn’t care to survive anymore, that’s—. I can’t even…that just makes
me sadder than words.
(He puts his palms over his eyes.)
Eughhhhhhh they don’t tell you how to handle your kids wanting to kill themselves….

WALTER
Man, they don’t tell you how to handle a damn thing.

GEORGE (laughing)
/True!

WALTER
That much I know.
(Walter shakes his head and gestures to the shelves)

Anyway, I, uh—I think we’re good here on the shelves. They look all right /to you?

GEORGE
They’re perfect. Look, Walter—you want a drink?

(George pulls a bottle out of his desk.)

WALTER
Uhhhhh—

GEORGE
I think we both deserve it, don’t we?

WALTER
I’m all right.

GEORGE
Come on, just a little? It’s getting near that time anyway.

WALTER
I’m good man.

GEORGE
Suit yourself.
(He pours himself a hefty drink.)
But at least have a seat for a few minutes—take a break.

WALTER
Uhhh…all right. Yeah, I’ll take you up on that.
 102

GEORGE
Good, yes, sit.
(Walter sits. George drinks.)

GEORGE
Kids, right?

WALTER
Kids.

GEORGE
I guess I knew it was going to be rough, but I didn’t realize they were going to just tear my guts
out on a daily basis.

WALTER
Man, I know. Hey—you know you should talk to Charlene, her daughter’s been having some
similar issues. Not as bad, I don’t think, but —I know she’s been at her wit’s end and might be
nice to talk to someone /with—

GEORGE
I don’t think Charlene’s going to want to talk to me.

WALTER
No?

GEORGE
We’re not the best of friends.

WALTER (smiling)
What happened? You disagree with her on /something?

GEORGE
It’s just—old stuff she seems…for some reason unable to get past.

WALTER
Really.

GEORGE
Well…so—okay—Walter, so I’m a friendly, warm kind of guy? You know?

(George pours more into his glass.)

WALTER
What, you mean—
 103

GEORGE
Like I pat people on the back, you know, to say “good job,” or if they’re having a bad day or
whatever it is. You know. You walk past someone in the hallway, you know they’re having a
tough time of it for whatever reason—you squeeze their arm or something. It’s friendly. It’s
human, for god’s sake.

WALTER
Right.

GEORGE
No subliminal messages, no hidden meanings, just—basic human connection, right?

So at some point Charlene decided that this makes me a creep. That I’m disgusting and creepy
and—like lately, especially, God—she’s been giving me the steely eye and sending these “curt”
emails about meaningless—like it’ll be about ordering supplies and she still manages to have this
tone of “fuck you,” right? And I’m like, come on, really? On top of everything you’re going to
just be a bitch to me too? I mean why be a bitch if you don’t have to be a bitch, right?

WALTER
…I don’t know.

GEORGE
I don’t get that. It’s unnecessary, is what it is. It’s spiteful.

(He drinks.)

WALTER
Well, she’s got a lot going on.

GEORGE
So do we all, clearly—I don’t buy that as an excuse.

WALTER
She also has that intern with her now. So, you know—.

GEORGE
Ah, yes. The intern.

WALTER
Charlene’s protective of people, /you know.

GEORGE
Sure, of course. Of. Course.
(He tops off his drink. He takes a long sip and
swallows. He taps his finger on the desk. A long
pause.)
 104

GEORGE
I guess you want to know what happened?

WALTER
No, man, I’m—. That is none of my business.

GEORGE
Come onnn, Walter. You know you want to know.

WALTER
Man, I really—I try to stay out of the gossip around /here.

GEORGE
You don’t want to hear it straight from sex offender’s mouth?

WALTER
Man, that’s—I really should be getting back to it—/actually.

GEORGE
All right, so! We were talking, this intern and I. A perfectly normal, human conversation. I ran
into her in the breakroom and asked her how she was doing, and she basically just immediately
broke down and cried. She was completely—she was stressed out about this project they’d
handed her to the point of tears, so…whatever, I told her not to worry about it and said if she was
willing to stay a little late, then I could walk her through some of it. And she said Okay and I
said Okay, and, you know, I’m not a cold-hearted dick, and she was standing there crying, so I
hugged her. Just like I think any normal person with a heart that still beats would have done,
right?

WALTER
Yeah, man, I /never—

GEORGE
And she accepted the hug—she, didn’t, you know, push away or, /she—.

WALTER
Okay.

GEORGE
It was a hug. A hug. Two people, just—having a moment together.

(George shakes his head and drains his drink. He

pours the rest of the bottle into his glass. Walter
looks at his feet. A pause.)
 105

WALTER
I think you might need some help, man.

GEORGE
Don’t we all.

WALTER
I’m serious, man. You’re in bad shape.

GEORGE
Walter—. Just—let’s just focus on ourselves, okay?

WALTER
You drink this much every day?

GEORGE (leaning his head back to groan)

Euugggghhhh why do you ask?

WALTER
Because I’ve been down that road myself, and—man, you should at least go talk to HR.

GEORGE
Oh GOD the last person I need to talk to right now is little Lucy Ling in H fucking R. She’s
unnaturally cheerful, it’s creepy.

WALTER
Still, you’re—you should get some time off to clean /yourself up.

GEORGE
I bet she has a bunch of dead bodies boarded up in her walls or something.

WALTER
You shouldn’t be running this company when you’re drunk.

GEORGE
Well no offense Walter, but fuck you. I’ll run this company however I want to run this
company.
(leaning forward)
You in on something with Charlene? Are you guys scheming something/ up—

WALTER
No, I am /not—

GEORGE
Because let me tell you something, it will take a lot more than that gossipy bitch and the guy who
fixes toilets to push me out of here.
 106

(Walter shakes his head. He quietly gathers his

tools and starts to head out.)

GEORGE
WALTERRR where are you going?

WALTER
You need help man.

GEORGE
Are you going to HR?

WALTER
I don’t know.

GEORGE
Walter, come on.

WALTER
I gotta go, man, I’m /sorry.

GEORGE
Walterrrrr.
(Walter leaves.)

GEORGE (calling after him)

Thank you for the shelves! They’re just perfect!

Perfect.
(George drinks. And looks quietly in terror around
his office.)

***
 107

The Roof.
(Late Evening. Tom stands on the roof, looking
out, quiet. Vivian opens a door from the stairwell.
He turns, hearing her.)

VIVIAN
Oh, hi—I didn’t think anyone would be up here.

TOM
Hi.

VIVIAN
Sorry.

TOM
It’s fine.

VIVIAN
I can leave you alo—

TOM
No, it’s fine.

VIVIAN
Okay.
(She joins him at the roof’s edge, staring out.)

TOM
Tom from—

VIVIAN
The third floor. I remember. Vivian.

TOM
Right—oh—right, you’re with finance?

VIVIAN
No, with Charlene now. I just moved departments today.

TOM
Oh, okay.

VIVIAN
So. Just felt like getting some air.
 108

TOM
Yeah, I—me too.
Do you usually work this late?

VIVIAN
No, I—have a roommate, so—I’m just giving her some space.

TOM
Gotcha.

VIVIAN
Or really I’m giving myself space.

TOM
Sure, right.
Maybe I should get a roommate.

VIVIAN
Do you live alone?

TOM
I do.

VIVIAN
And you don’t like it?

TOM
Not so much, no.

VIVIAN
I wish I could. I hate having a roommate.

TOM
Yeah? Why?—just no privacy / or—

VIVIAN
No, I’m just in love with her boyfriend, so—.

TOM
Oh.

VIVIAN
So I guess I just hate having this particular roommate.
Sorry—I shouldn’t just—that was completely /weird.
 109

TOM
No, no it’s fine.

VIVIAN
Just in a weird mood I guess.

TOM
It’s been a weird day.

VIVIAN
Yes.
I didn’t think looking out on an industrial park would be nice, but…

TOM
Yeah, I know. It’s strangely peaceful.

VIVIAN
Yeah.

TOM
All the cars are ants.

VIVIAN
Yeah.

TOM
With little laser eyes.

VIVIAN
Ha, yeah.
And apparently there’s coyotes out there?

TOM
Yeah, I—heard that.

VIVIAN
Kind of creepy, right?

TOM
Yes.
(They stare out.)

VIVIAN
…I can’t believe she didn’t die.
 110

TOM
What?

VIVIAN
That—the—woman. Who /fell.

TOM
Oh, Leonora?

VIVIAN
Yeah.

TOM
I know, it’s miraculous. That whole situation is miraculous.

VIVIAN
Seriously. There’s a lesson in it for all of us.

TOM
Is there?

VIVIAN
Isn’t there?

TOM
I—maybe.
(Charlene opens a door from the stairwell. They
turn, hearing her.)

CHARLENE
Oh—hi.

TOM
Hi.

CHARLENE (approaching)
I didn’t think anyone would be up here.

TOM
Yeah, just us.

CHARLENE
I thought you left.

VIVIAN
No, I’m—just was getting some air.
 111

CHARLENE
Okay.

VIVIAN
Did you—do you need me to do /something?

CHARLENE
No, no, we’re all set.

VIVIAN
Okay.
(They all stare out for a long moment.)

VIVIAN
I think I’m gonna head home, actually.

TOM
Yeah?

VIVIAN
Yeah, time to face things, right?

CHARLENE
What?

VIVIAN
Nothing. Just—uh, I will see you tomorrow.

CHARLENE
Okay. Oh—hon, you should know that George Michaelson was let go a little bit ago.

VIVIAN
/What?

TOM
Whoa—what?

CHARLENE
Yup. He’s done.

TOM
Shit. What happened?
 112

CHARLENE
Apparently someone else filed a complaint. And I hear he’s packing up his desk.

TOM
Geez, that’s terrible.

CHARLENE
Yup, so—.
(making big eyes to Vivian)
There’s that.

VIVIAN
…Yeah.

CHARLENE
You all right?

VIVIAN
Yeah, yeah, I’m, just uh…I don’t know…I guess I…don’t feel the way I thought I would.
I should go.
(She turns toward the stairwell)
Goodnight.

TOM
Goodnight.

CHARLENE
Goodnight, hon.

VIVIAN (giving a small wave)

Bye.
(Tom waves. Vivian opens the door and disappears
behind it.)

CHARLENE
Poor girl.
(She shakes her head.)
It’s late for you to still be here, isn’t it?

TOM
Yeah, kinda…but—it’s late for you too, right?

CHARLENE
Eh, I guess. My uhhh—my soon-to-be-ex-husband has the kids tonight, /so…
 113

TOM
Ohh.

CHARLENE
Guess I didn’t feel like going home to an empty house.

TOM
Right, right.
Is Jeremy…three?

CHARLENE
Five.

TOM
Oh my God.

CHARLENE
I know. And Tara’s ten. TEN.

TOM
I remember when you were pregnant!

CHARLENE
Me too.

TOM
How are they?

CHARLENE
They’re good, they’re…
(She laughs.)
Jeremy’s uh…he’s got this insane imagination, right? Like yesterday morning—we’re sitting at
the kitchen table and he’s looking at the orange juice carton and he sees the expiration date,
right—which is like two weeks from now—so he turns to me with these huge bug eyes and says,
“Mom, this orange juice is from the future.”

TOM (smiling)
Oh, man.

CHARLENE
He says crazy shit like that all the time—I’m serious—he is legitimately hilarious, it’s amazing.

TOM
And what’s Tara into now? She was always so cute when you’d bring her in...
 114

CHARLENE
Yeah, she’s, uh—She’s okay, she’s…having some—issues, I guess.

TOM
Oh no.

CHARLENE
Body image stuff, you know…

TOM
Ohhhh.

CHARLENE
Full of self hatred, just like her mom! /Anyway. Blah Blah I’m boring you.

TOM
Oh—no.
You’re not. Are they coming in tomorrow /for—

CHARLENE
No, they’ll—they’re with their dad, so.

TOM
Oh, right right.

CHARLENE
Anyway.
(They stare out.)

CHARLENE
Do you wanna smoke a joint?

TOM
Uhhh/hhh

CHARLENE (digging through her purse)

I’m going to admit something to you Tom, which is that I came up here to be alone and get a
little bit high and feel sorry for myself, but then here you were, so—.

Your face is pretty good right now.

TOM
I—, yeah, I’m.

CHARLENE
Shocked.
 115

TOM
A little bit, yes.

CHARLENE
I know. I swear to God I don’t usually do this. I don’t do it at /all, but…

TOM
No, I—

CHARLENE
But something today—

TOM
Today is weird.

CHARLENE
Yes.
(She pulls out her Altoids tin and a lighter.)

Don’t tell a soul—you have to swear to God—I cannot risk Nick somehow finding out about this
through some chatty office grapevine and using it against me—/you swear?

TOM
No, of course. Yes.

CHARLENE
I’m not fucking around.

TOM
No, I—I get it.

CHARLENE
Swear?

TOM
I swear.

CHARLENE
Okay, good.
(She lights a joint, inhales and exhales slowly. She
closes her eyes. She coughs a little.)
Eugh, shit.
(Containing her cough, she holds it out to Tom.)
 116

TOM
Uhhhhhhh….Yeah sure why not.
(He takes it, examines it, then inhales. He coughs.
A lot.)

CHARLENE (laughing/coughing)
Easy.

TOM (coughing)
Shit.

CHARLENE
You all right?

TOM (coughing)
….It’s just—been—I haven’t done this in a really—long time.

CHARLENE
Me neither.

TOM (coughing)
Shit.

CHARLENE
You okay?

TOM (coughing)
No.

CHARLENE (laughing)
Nah—You’re fine.

TOM
Shit. Eugh.
(He hands it back to her.)

CHARLENE
So, what, you just came up here after work to gaze out on the glorious industrial park?

TOM (voice strained)

I don’t know.

CHARLENE
You weren’t gonna pull a Leonora on me were you?
 117

TOM
No, I—guess I also didn’t want to go home to an empty house.

CHARLENE
Yeah, I get /you.

TOM
So.
(She hands him the joint. He holds it between his
fingers, staring at it. Then he takes a drag and
hands it back to her.)

TOM
What, uhhh—why’re you feeling sorry for yourself?

CHARLENE
Uhhhh Jesus, well—where to begin. The list is long, Tom.

TOM
Okay, top three items then.

CHARLENE
All right all right, top three. Okay, uh: One: I’m getting a divorce, which is expensive and
terrible, especially for the kids. Two: I married a guy I should NEVER have married, like all
signs pointed to CHARLENE DON’T MARRY THIS GUY—so the whole terrible divorce
screwing up the kids’ life thing is my fault. Aaand Three…uhhh, I don’t know, I—. Do you
ever just feel yourself becoming irrelevant?

TOM
Yeah.

CHARLENE
Yeah.
(She hands him what’s left of the joint.)

CHARLENE
There’s not much there, but—.

TOM
That’s—yeah, I—I got it.
(He takes a tiny drag, with difficulty.)
I think this one’s, uh, spent /actually.

CHARLENE
Yeah, here, I’ll take it.
 118

(He hands it to her. She deposits the remains in her

Altoids tin.)

TOM (pointing)
Altoids.

CHARLENE
Oh—yeah. Convenient carrying case I guess.

TOM
Yeah…That…makes sense.

CHARLENE
What about you?

TOM
What?

CHARLENE
Something’s going on with you.

TOM
Uhhh…yeah, well—the list is long Charlene.

CHARLENE
Yeah, yeah, okay—top three items.

TOM
Top three. Okay, uh…okay, number one: Coyotes.

CHARLENE
Oh God—that thing Randy sent out?

TOM
Yeah, it’s creepy.

CHARLENE
Kinda, yeah—next.

TOM
Okay, TWO: I saw this billboard this morning about the end of the world. No Logo, No
explanation, completely ominous— just like the date, like—END OF THE WORLD, COLON,
SEVEN SEVEN THIRTEEN.

CHARLENE
So coyotes and a billboard?
 119

TOM
Yes.
And.
Three: Uhhh…I guess. I guess…like for the past two years I’ve been powering through, like,
just, I think I fortified myself way deep inside…like I built this fortress, here, just to like—be
able to survive and get through a day and—. And then this publisher called me out of the blue
last week because they want to publish Jane’s book? And like the—suddenly all the walls just
fell down. And now I’m…uh, like now I’m just standing here in the rubble, like defenseless and
just…yeah, naked and vulnerable and terrified and not wearing any clothes, and just—/Yeah.

CHARLENE
Yeah.

TOM
Oh man I feel really weird right now.

CHARLENE
Yeahhhh….
(They stare out for a moment.)

CHARLENE
But that’s good right?

TOM
What?

CHARLENE
That the walls fell down and you’re naked.

TOM
Yeah…I don’t know.

CHARLENE
That’s the part that comes before you start, just—pulling yourself out of the rubble and like
rebuilding things and conquering cities and stuff, right?

TOM
…I don’t know.

CHARLENE
I think it’s good.

TOM
Yeah, maybe.
(They stare out, quiet.)
 120

CHARLENE
…You wanna come speed-dating with me and my girlfriend Sandy?

TOM
No.

CHARLENE
Yeah me neither.
(They laugh, a little loopy.)

TOM
…Hey, hey, so, I was thinking?

CHARLENE
Yeah?

TOM
Okay, so, hey: Don’t you think if a guy has 99 problems, a bitch probably IS one?

CHARLENE
Oh—well…I mean he does refer to women as bitches.

TOM
That’s—yeah, /that’s true.

CHARLENE
So there’s a problem—that implies there’s a problem right there.

TOM
Right! But also, just—that is a lot of problems to have without a bitch being at least one /of
them.

CHARLENE
Yeah—so probably, yes.

TOM
Right?!

CHARLENE
Yeah.

TOM
That’s what I think!
 121

CHARLENE
I agree.
(They laugh. Walter opens a door from the stairwell
as they laugh. They turn, hearing him.)

WALTER
Oh—hi.

TOM
Hey Walter.

CHARLENE
Hi.

WALTER
I didn’t think anyone’d be up here.

CHARLENE
Just us.

WALTER
I thought ya’ll all went home by now.

TOM
Nope, we’re just…

CHARLENE
Getting some air.

TOM
Yeah.

WALTER
Yeah, me too.
(They giggle. Walter arrives next to them, nodding
at Charlene.)

WALTER
Charlene.

CHARLENE
Walter.

WALTER
How’s it going?
 122

CHARLENE
Ohhh it’s going, you know.

WALTER
Yeah.

CHARLENE
I, uh…should probably go, actually. I’m starving and I got like 10 points coming my way.

TOM
What?

CHARLENE
Weight Watchers.

TOM
Ohhh.

CHARLENE
So I should head out.
(She turns toward the door.)
But, uhhh—You boys have a nice night.

WALTER
You too.

TOM
See you tomorrow.

CHARLENE
Yes you will.
(She walks to the door)
Night.

TOM
/Night.

WALTER
Night.
(She disappears behind the door. They watch her
go, then turn back, staring out. A long pause.)

TOM
How’d everything turn out?
 123

WALTER
…Pretty messy.

TOM
It really exploded huh?

WALTER
What?

TOM
The toilet.

WALTER
Oh. Yeah.

TOM
I’m sorry.

WALTER
Well…It’s done, so.

TOM
Yup. Out of sight out of mind.

WALTER (peering at him)

Right.
(Walter shakes his head, sighing.)

WALTER
Pssshhhhhh man. Weird day.

TOM
Yes.

WALTER
I see you didn’t sit down in that basement the whole time.

TOM
No, I—managed to make my way upstairs at some /point.

WALTER
That’s good.

TOM
Yup. And no EMTs today!
 124

WALTER
That’s good, man.
(Tom nods his head for several moments.)

WALTER
My, uhhh…my son is sick. That’s why he’s not coming for the thing tomorrow.

TOM
Oh. I’m—like—

WALTER
Cancer.

TOM
Oh my god—I’m—sorry, that is…

WALTER
Thanks.

TOM
Truly awful. How is /he…?

WALTER
Good days bad days.

TOM
Yeah.

WALTER
So.

TOM
Walter, I’m sorry.

WALTER
Hey, I’m sorry about—you too.

TOM
…Just a couple of sorry guys, huh?

WALTER (smiling)
Yup.

TOM
Maybe we should both start knitting with your wife.
 125

WALTER (laughing)
That’s—nah, no way man.

TOM
Hey, if she’ll have me, I am eager to /learn.

WALTER
Okay—all right man, yeah—I’ll tell her.

TOM
Good, thank you.
(Walter shakes his head, laughing to himself. He
stares out; Tom smirks and peers out and down. A
pause. An inhale.)

WALTER
All right. I think it’s time for me /to head—

TOM
Coyote.

WALTER
What?

TOM (pointing)
Coyote!

WALTER (squinting)
What—Where are you—

TOM (whispering/pointing)
Coyote.

WALTER
Oh yeah….
(They watch for a long, long moment.)

TOM (quiet)
…It’s not what I imagined.

WALTER
No, me neither…

TOM
It’s…kind of beautiful.
 126

WALTER
Yeahhh.

TOM
Oh!—there he /goes—

WALTER
Aw there he goes!
(They watch as the coyote disappears.)

TOM
/Wow.

WALTER
Wow.
(They look at each other for a moment.)
Well.
I guess we should head home.

TOM
The time has come.

WALTER
Yes.
(They turn and head toward the door.)

TOM
Hey—I uh, I’m thinking that…maybe I should get a cat.

WALTER
Yeah?!

TOM
Yeah, I think I should.

WALTER
Yeah, man, you come down this weekend—I’ll set you up.

TOM
Yeah?

WALTER
I mean I’m gonna interrogate you, but /yeah.

TOM
No, yeah, that’s good, you should.
 127

WALTER
All right.

(They disappear behind the door. The door closes.)

(The building stands alone in the dark, breathing.)

(End of play.)