Forgiveness 

is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a

change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such
as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2] Forgiveness is
different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness),
excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing
awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted by a representative
of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).[1]
In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on
account of debt, loan, obligation, or other claims.[3][4]
As a psychological concept and virtue, the benefits of forgiveness have been explored
in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered
simply in terms of the person who forgives[5] including forgiving themselves, in terms of
the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person
forgiven. In most contexts, forgiveness is granted without any expectation of restorative
justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may
forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be
necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, an apology, or even
just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to
forgive.[1]
Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these
teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and
practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater
emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own
shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice
forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and
divine forgiveness.

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment
and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
By Mayo Clinic Staff
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother
criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had
an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even
vengeance.
But if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By
embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider
how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-
being.

What is forgiveness?
Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.
The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness
can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life.
Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for
the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting
you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without
excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace.
Forgiveness can lead to:

 Healthier relationships
 Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
 Less anxiety, stress and hostility
 Lower blood pressure
 Fewer symptoms of depression
 Stronger immune system
 Improved heart health
 Higher self-esteem
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or
confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment,
vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out
positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense
of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might:

 Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
 Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
 Become depressed or anxious
 Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual
beliefs
 Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

 Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
 Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination
has affected your life, health and well-being
 Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
 Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending
person and situation have had in your life
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You
might even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit
wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck:

 Consider the situation from the other person's point of view.

 Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have
reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
 Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you.
 Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've
found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health
provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
 Be aware that forgiveness is a process and even small hurts may need to be
revisited and forgiven over and over again.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value,
forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however.
Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to
communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still,
forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?
If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you might
prompt you to be tense and stressful. To handle these situations:

 Remember that you can choose to attend or avoid specific functions and gatherings.
If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and
perhaps even more intense feelings.
 Respect yourself and do what seems best.
 Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You might find that the experience
helps you to move forward with forgiveness.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of
forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing
you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away
the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how
those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too
harshly. You're human, and you'll make mistakes.
If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those
you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for
forgiveness — without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to
forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with
compassion, empathy and respect.

Why Do We Find It So Hard to Forgive?

One reason we resist forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or
how it works. We think we do, but we don't.

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free
— and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We
also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old
relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep
trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.

The first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next step
is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of the bitterness while
remembering very clearly your rights to healthy boundaries.

Granting Forgiveness

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 Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should
still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
 Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By
refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God
we don't trust him to take care of matters.
 Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't
have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any
form of abuse.
 Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim.
Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over
me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people
because it perpetuates our victim role.
 Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if
we never can get along with him again.
 Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work
through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can,
we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a
tragic divorce. That's okay.
 We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving,
though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other
person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
 Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated
offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable.
They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit
expecting them to be different.
 Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People
will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay
stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship
with God, knowing and trusting in what is good.
 If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we
need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is
about our attitude, not their action.
 We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-
righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked
to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of
pride.
  Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We
can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give
it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive.
 We might have to forgive more than the divorce. Post-divorce problems
related to money, the kids, and schedules might result in the need to forgive again
and to seek forgiveness ourselves.
 We might forgive too quickly to avoid pain or to manipulate the
situation. Forgiveness releases pain and frees us from focusing on the other
person. Too often when we're in the midst of the turmoil after a divorce, we
desperately look for a quick fix to make it all go away. Some women want to
"hurry up" and forgive so the pain will end, or so they can get along with the other
person. We have to be careful not to simply cover our wounds and retard the
healing process.
 We might be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready.
When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like us, accept us, or
not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness — it's a performance to avoid
rejection. Give yourself permission to do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is,
"I want to forgive you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will
work on it."
 Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be
triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with
them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can
learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder of how important forgiveness is."
 Forgiveness starts with a mental decision. The emotional part of
forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the resentment. Emotional healing
may or may not follow quickly after we forgive.

9 Steps
 

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what
about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your
experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness
is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you,
or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be
defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has
hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your
grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress
is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now,
not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness
helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to
soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to
give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you
or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love,
peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than
through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt
seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your
wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over
you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is
about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and
stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence.
Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also
influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.