Thank you for purchasing:

NO CONTACT SECRETS

by Lucia
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 WARNING & DISCLAIMER

If you are under the age of 18, you may not purchase this book
or lawfully view the contents. The information contained
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purposes only. It is not legal, therapeutic or personal advice and
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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION .......................................................................... 1

PART 1 : THE BASICS

1. What Is The No Contact Rule? .............................................. 13

2. 7 Reasons Why The No Contact Rule Works On Everyone

.......................................................................................................... 19
3. The #1 Reason Why No Contact Is So Powerful ........... 27

4. The 30 Day No Contact Rule Is BS ..................................... 30

5. The 60 Day No Contact Rule ................................................. 34

6. No Contact Means No Contact............................................. 38

7. No Contact Is Not A Sprint, It’s A Marathon ................... 42

8. 2 Exceptions To The No Contact Rule .............................. 46

9. 6 Tricks Your Ex May Use To Get You To Break No

Contact ........................................................................................... 50

PART 2 : YOUR BEHAVIOR DURING NO CONTACT

10. What Should You Be Doing During No Contact? ........... 56

11. Should You Respond To Your Ex’s Text? ......................... 60

12. Should You Answer If Your Ex Calls? ................................ 64

13. Should You Contact Your Ex On Their Birthday?........... 67

14. Should You Respond If Your Ex Wishes You A Happy

Birthday? ....................................................................................... 69
15. Should You Break No Contact On Valentine’s Day? ..... 73

16. What If You Run Into Your Ex During No Contact?....... 77

17. What To Say If You Run Into Your Ex’s Family/Friends

.......................................................................................................... 84
18. Don’t Let Your Friends Convince You to Break No
Contact ........................................................................................... 87

PART 3 : YOUR NO CONTACT FEARS

19. Why You’re Afraid To Do No Contact ................................ 91

20. Why You Find It Difficult To Do No Contact .................... 94

21. I Don’t Believe In No Contact ................................................ 99

22. Will No Contact Still Work If… ............................................104

23. Is It Too Late To Do No Contact? .....................................107

24. Will My Ex Think I’ve Moved On If I Do No Contact? .110

25. I’m Afraid My Ex Will Move On During No Contact ....113

26. Will My Ex Forget Me During No Contact? ...................117

27. What If My Ex Is Also Doing No Contact? .....................120

 PART 4 : BREAKING NO CONTACT

28. Are You Thinking Of Breaking No Contact? ...................123

29. Should You Break No Contact?..........................................128

30. The 3 Times You’re Most Likely To Break No Contact

........................................................................................................132
31. So You Broke No Contact… Now What? ..........................135

32. What Happens When You Break No Contact? ...............138

33. 3 Ways You May Be Breaking No Contact .....................144

34. Why It’s So Easy For Me To Do No Contact....................148

35. No Contact Horror Stories ....................................................152

PART 5 : NO CONTACT QUESTIONS

36. The 5 Most Asked Questions About No Contact ..........158

37. When Should You Start No Contact? ..............................163

38. When Does No Contact Start Working?..........................166

39. Will No Contact Work On Short-Term Relationships?

........................................................................................................170
40. Does No Contact Work On Women? ................................172

41. How To Do No Contact If You Have Kids Together ....176

42. Should You Do No Contact If You Were The Dumper?

........................................................................................................180
 43. What Is My Ex Thinking During No Contact? ...............183

44. Yes, You Can Break No Contact .........................................189

PART 6 : NO CONTACT SUCCESS

45. 5 Signs The No Contact Rule Is Working .......................193

46. No Contact Has A 100% Success Rate ............................198

47. The 60 Day No Contact Rule Is Working .......................202

48. I Got My Ex Girlfriend Back Using The No Contact Rule

........................................................................................................207
49. I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back Using No Contact .............216

50. No Contact Success Stories ..................................................227

EPILOGUE ................................................................................238
 INTRODUCTION

T here’s always that one event or experience in a person’s

lifetime which changes the course of their life forever. For
some, it’s a spiritual encounter; for others, it’s a movie or a book
that blows their mind.

For me, it was the times I got dumped.

I started dating at 18.

Since then I’ve dated in six cities, four countries and two
continents.

Three breakups come to mind where I was broken up with.

The first one was the only time I begged and pleaded when the
guy broke up with me. The break up was a total shock. I didn’t
see it coming.

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But within the hour, I asked myself, “What was that all about?
Why did I beg and plead? If he doesn’t want me, fine. Then I don’t
want him either.”

I instinctively knew I had to change my attitude. When he

called me a few days later, I was a totally different person, with
him probably wondering what the heck had happened in those
few days.

I was upbeat and happy, and I said, “Hey, how are you doing?
Yes, I was a bit shocked from the breakup, but now I’m good, no
problem,” and I soon ended the conversation.

I just knew that if there was any hope of getting him back, that
was what I had to do and what do you know, two weeks later,
he contacted me and wanted to see me.

The next breakup occurred when I caught my long-term

boyfriend of five years cheating. He stopped seeing me and
started seeing the other woman. I knew enough to leave him
alone. The one time I did reach out, he had an attitude towards
me, and I realized I couldn’t reach out again.

2
Within three months, they had broken up. We started talking
again, but we never got back together. I concluded that the
relationship had probably run its course. Today we’re friends.

The one breakup that changed me entirely was the last one.

I was a general dating coach/expert at the time, talking about a

variety of topics.

Getting your ex back was not a specialty of mine for the mere
reason that I didn’t have a lot of experience with people
breaking up with me.

Ninety percent of the time, I would be the one to end the

relationship. The upside of this was that being the dumper, I
knew how and what dumpers think during a breakup. The
downside of this was that I had a knowledge gap when it came
to how to get an ex back. I had not had a strong reason to learn
to do that.

Until I met this guy…

We first connected on Facebook. I was instantly attracted to

him. In the beginning, my strong connection was surely a red

3
flag, but who has time for red flags when emotions are raging,
right?

Things progressed really fast. We were talking all the time on

Skype, we held hands all day when we met, and the date lasted
9 hours.

Now you’re either thinking this was the most romantic thing
in the world, or the craziest thing in the world. I mean, holding
hands and hanging out for 9 hours? That must be real love,
right??

No, it wasn’t. The bitter confirmation came the very next day
when I woke up in the morning to no messages at all.

No “Good Morning,” “How are you doing?”. Nothing. Zilch!

Nada!

Time went by. It was 10 pm the following day and

still...crickets.

I started losing my mind at that. It was a feeling I had never felt

before. This was not just a bad feeling. This was actual physical
pain.

4
It was horrible.

Right then, I made a decision: If he didn’t contact me that

night, I wasn’t going to see him again.

That was that!

He finally contacted me about 30 minutes later, and then I

made another mistake by asking him with an unpleasant tone.

“Where were you?”

Bad Idea.

We continued talking that week, even though we still hadn’t

gotten together. Then came the next in my string of mistakes.

I mentioned to him about getting together the next day, which

caught him off guard, leading to him reluctantly agreeing to
meet. Of course, he canceled on the day of the meeting. He had
to attend a family picnic...for the whole day!

Who the hell does that?

After that, I stopped responding to him. He started showing a

little more interest, texting and calling many times.

5
That whole thing passed, and then one Sunday, the day we
usually got together, he said he couldn’t because he was “doing
his laundry.”

Around this time, I started to see some inconsistencies. On

Mondays and Tuesdays, he would disappear. So I guess we
could call it a ‘consistency.’

Also, he suddenly started getting a lot of texts when we were

out. This was not so before. Naturally, I got suspicious.

A lot of things happened after this that finally sent me over the
edge. I had gone on a trip for a month and we only talked twice
on Skype. Both times I had to initiate the contact. I decided to
break up with him when I got back.

My girlfriend talked me out of it.

As I said before, I was always the dumper, so my friend told me

to try and make an exception for this one, if I was really that
into him.

“Why do you always have to run away?” she said.

So I decided not to break up with him.

6
We met up after my trip, had a great time, and of course he
expected us to get intimate that night. I told him I didn’t want
to because I felt like I was not important to him.

He apologized, told me I was right about how he had been

neglecting me.

Things looked okay.

Then it happened.

A few days later, he broke up with me.

I still have the actual text he sent me.

Here it is:

“Hi Lucia, I’m not going to be able to make it tonight to the club.
Also, things aren’t going to work for us in a relationship. We will
be better off as just friends. Have fun at the club.”

The next five minutes after that was a defining moment.

It changed everything for me.

Here was my response:

7
“I agree. You’re an amazing guy, and it was always a pleasure to
spend time with you. I wish you the best and hope you find what
you’re looking for. You deserve it”

Boom!

That was it!

If he didn’t want me, fine.

As I said before, I didn’t know a lot about how to get an ex back

at the time. So just like most of you do when you want to learn
how to do a pancake flip, I went on Youtube…

...and I found the 30-day rule (which you will learn later in this
book doesn’t work).

Luckily I never got the chance to use it, because in 15 days, he

contacted me. I had posted on Facebook that I had to go to the
emergency (which was true).

“Oh, what happened, honey? Are you okay?” he wrote.

However, by then, I was angry with him, so I didn’t respond.

He continued to reach out occasionally over two months but

8
never said anything significant. He was acting as if we were
friends, so I never responded.

Finally, he said something. Something significant.

“I wish you wouldn’t ignore my messages I was hoping we could at

least be friends.”

I still wasn’t having any of it. I didn’t want to be friends.

But instead of following my own advice, I let another friend

convince me to respond.

My friend said that maybe he was saying that to get a foot in

the door and get back together. That was the only reason I
finally got back in touch with him.

We talked and had fun pleasant conversations. He mentioned

meeting up but then never made any plans and so then I
stopped talking to him.

The same thing happened again three months later. We started

chatting, he never mentioned getting together, so I never
responded to him again.

And that was it.

9
I later found out he was seeing a girl who had a job where she
could have Mondays and Tuesdays off. Ring a bell?

What is my aim for this book?

This breakup changed my life for the better. It led me on the

path of helping people get their ex back.

It was a painful experience, but I learned so much that I now

want to share with you.

You don’t have to make the same mistake I did. You can learn
from me and have a better chance of getting your ex back.

I realize there is a lot of misinformation out there about how to

do this effectively. Most people do not even think it is possible
to get back with an ex.

You might be making mistakes now that are preventing you

from getting your ex back—trying so hard to out-think and
out-maneuver your ex with corny tricks and mind games.

You are precisely the one I wrote this book for. I want to
demystify this whole ‘getting your ex back’ thing and give you
a written guide you can use every time you find yourself in this

10
situation. I want you to become a stronger, more confident
person who knows exactly what to do when you go through a
breakup.

I want to help YOU get your ex back.

11
 PART 1

THE BASICS

12
 WHAT IS THE NO CONTACT RULE?

W hat is the definition of the no contact rule? There seems

to be a lot of confusion around it, so let's clear it up. In
order to understand what the no contact rule is, let's talk about
what the no contact rule is not.

The no contact rule is not when someone breaks up with you,

they reach out to you, but you never respond. How are you
supposed to get your ex back if you never respond?

It isn't that your ex contacts you and you don't respond if they
contact you within 30 days.

The contact rule also does not mean that if you don't hear from
your ex, that you wait 30 days, and then you contact them. No,
no, no.

13
If someone tells you to contact your ex after 30 days of no
contact, watch out. They do not understand no contact. 30
days is not nearly enough time to get an ex back, most of the
time.

Now there is a 60 day no contact rule, which I named and

brought to light. No, it doesn't mean that you can contact your
ex after 60 days, so get your fingers away from that phone. It
basically means that if someone breaks up with you and you
don't reach out to them, there's a very high probability that you
will hear from them within 60 days. Usually within 45 to 60
days.

The only exceptions to the no contact rule are: If you were

dumped because you cheated and/or if you took your partner
for granted.

Now, if it's the second one - taking the partner for granted -
you have to make sure that you really did take your partner for
granted and you're not just feeling guilty about something that
may not have been your fault.

14
I had a coaching session recently and the guy wanted to reach
out because he thought he had taken his ex for granted and I
pointed out that no, he had not taken her for granted. So if
you're not sure, it's always best to find out. You can always
contact me for a coaching session via my website,
http://www.theartoflove.net

The definition of the no contact rule, the one that works, is:
When someone breaks up with you, you go radio silent, you
disappear as if you were in witness protection. You do not
contact them, you wait for them to contact you, unless the
breakup falls into one of the two exceptions I just mentioned:
You cheated or you took them for granted. However, even then,
you still need to do a no contact period where you give your ex
some space. Why? Because if someone breaks up with you, the
are generally are not going to get back with you the next day or
the next week, unless it was a fake breakup.

When you're in no contact, you don’t do any of the following:

Text

Call

15
Send Facebook/WhatsApp messages/Smoke signals

Like their status updates

Comment on their posts

Snapchat (even if it means you break a snapchat streak)

Tweet your ex

Go out of your way to accidentally run into them

Go to places where you think they might be

Go to their house

Look at their Instagram stories

Sometimes you have no choice and can’t do full no contact.

Maybe you're still living with the person. In that case you want
to have as little contact as possible. You want to be out when
they're home if possible. If you work with your ex, stay away
from them, unless you have to discuss business. Your behavior
should be polite and professional, as if you were talking to any
other co-worker.

16
By doing no contact, you accomplish two things. One is that
you have a much better chance of your ex contacting you and
possibly wanting to get back together if you just leave them
alone and disappear. Obviously easier said than done, since
when someone breaks up with you, they become like heroin.
They're the drug, you're a junkie, you need your fix and that's
why you can't help it. You want to reach for that phone. But
understand that by leaving them alone, even though it may be
counter intuitive, there's a higher probability of them
contacting you, wanting to get back together.

The second benefit of doing no contact is that it allows you to

take a step back and be able to see things a lot clearer. When
you're right in the middle of something, you can't think
straight. You can't see the situation for what it really is.

When someone breaks up with you, at that moment, you want

them back. However, with no contact, after a while, you may
think, “You know what? Maybe, I really don't want them back.
Maybe, my life is better without them”. That's one of the many
reasons why the no contact rule is important.

17
I remember with my last breakup, as soon as he broke up with
me, I wanted him back. For the first two weeks I really wanted
him back. Then he contacted me. I didn't respond. I was a little
calmer. I had started to put pieces together and I realized that
there was a very, very high probability that he was seeing
someone else at the same time that he was seeing me, even
though he said we were exclusive. When I was in it, I wasn't
able to see it, but stepping away, suddenly I could think a lot
clearer and I realized that he was probably up to something. So,
I went from really wanting him back to being angry.

Finally, the no contact rule only applies if you were the one who
was broken up with. If you did the breaking up and you change
your mind, then it's up to you to contact your ex, unless they
cheated on you or took you for granted.

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 7 REASONS WHY THE NO CONTACT
RULE WORKS ON EVERYONE

L et’s talk about why no contact works on everyone. It's not

just because your ex is going to be missing you or feeling
anxiety. There's much more to it than that and it works on all
humans. So, if you're dating a human, great. If you're dating
an alien, I can't help you. LOL.

The first reason is because we’re wired to respond to loss. I have

a quote from one of my favorite dating books, which you may
know about, “Love Tactics”. It says: “While people disrespect that
which they have in the palm of their hand, and are attracted to
what they can't get, they become absolutely frantic with desire over
that which they already possess but are in danger of losing”.

When your ex broke up with you, they thought they would still
have you in some form. They thought that they'd be able to

19
reach out and you'd respond or they thought you'd reach out
to them. They didn't realize that they were going to miss you.
They didn't realize what you meant to them and the positive
effect you had on their life.

By being radio silent, their loss, even though they wanted it,
hits them even harder. They feel it sooner that if you stick
around begging or pleading, trying to convince them to change
their mind. You've now taken away their freedom to talk to you
because they thought they'd still be able to talk to you anytime
until they see that you're not reaching out or responding to
their messages.

The second reason is because as humans, we have a need for

both predictability and unpredictability. By not reaching out,
you have now satisfied their need for unpredictability because
if everything were predictable, how boring would that be? Even
though they broke up with you, they didn't expect you to just
disappear. They thought you would at least put up some type
of resistance, but you didn't. Now you're unpredictable, so now
you're more interesting. They're wondering what you’re doing
and as they’re wondering, that question mark becomes a hook,

20
which hooks them in and hooks them back, hopefully, to reach
out to you.

The third reason is that silence creates mystery. They're going

to wonder what is going on. You've now created what's called
an information gap. When they don't hear from you and
they're expecting to hear from you, their mind is going to start
filling in the blanks. It's going to start creating stories, and
usually those stories are negative stories.

Think about it: If you've ever said to someone, - Well, let me

know that you got home safe and then they didn't let you know
that they got home safe, you're going to start wondering. You're
going to start worrying that something went wrong, that's
something bad happened.

You're not going to think that you didn’t hear from them
because something good happened. You're not going to think,
“Oh, they must have met the man of their dreams or the woman of
their dreams on the way home. That's why I didn't hear from
them.” No. Who ever thinks that? People usually think, “Oh
my God, something happened. I haven't heard from her/him”.

21
That’s what happens when you disappear and you don't reach
out to your ex.

Their mind is going to fill it in with something negative and

they're going to assume that you haven't contacted them
because maybe you really weren't that into them or maybe you
found someone else. Or maybe even worse, you already had
someone else that they had no clue about, or you went back to
another ex. Their mind is going to start filling in the blanks
and, as it does that, they're going to feel the anxiety, and this
anxiety is going to cause them to do – what? That's right – reach
out.

Reason number four is that scarcity creates value. By

disappearing, you have now raised your value. Let's use the
example of something as simple as water. We don't usually
think about it very much - I think about it a lot because I love
water, but that's just me. We get it for free from the tap and
most bars/restaurants give free water. It's readily available
everywhere.

Now, what if something happened to the water supply and it

wasn't flowing as freely from our taps? We would suddenly start

22
to value it a lot more. We would think, “Oh my God, am I gonna
be able to get water today? Will I have enough water?” Something
that you once took for granted, as always being there, you're
now going to worry that you're not going to have access to it.
No contact raises your value, it raises their interest level, and it
makes them more likely to reach out

Number five is respect. When you don't contact your ex, even
though you have strong feelings for them, and they know that
you have strong feelings for them, their respect for you is going
to go up. You cannot have love without respect. You can't love
someone that you don't respect. You want your ex to respect
you because maybe that was one of the reasons they broke up
with you. Their respect for you went down, taking with it their
interest level in you. By leaving them alone, their respect for
you goes up, as does their interest level. Taking another quote
from “Love Tactics”, “If you let them disrespect you, you can kiss
your love life goodbye”. That's why respect is so important.

Reason number six is FOMO. Do you know what that means?

Fear of Missing Out. By not reaching out, you've now created
mystery. They’re wondering, what the heck you’re up to,

23
especially if you're not posting on social media. If you are
posting on social media, they see that you're going to new
places, hanging out with new people, maybe doing things that
the two of you had talked about doing and now you're doing it
without them. They're going to begin to second guess their
decision and wonder if they’re missing out and maybe made a
mistake when they broke up with you. And that's exactly where
we want them.

Finally, number seven is the open loop. The mind hates open
loops. Let me give you an example of what it is. If someone says
to you, “Hey, guess what?” And you say, “What? “ If they then
say, “Oh no, forget it.” your natural inclination is to respond
with, “No, no. What? Tell me what, what? What?” That's an
open loop. Another example is when something you’re trying
to recall is at the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t
remember it. It bothers you, because it’s a open loop!

The mind hates open loops in conversations and in situations.

One of the best examples of this is soap operas. Did you know
that Days of Our Lives has been around for over 50 years? How
many TV shows have been around for that long That's the best

24
example of an open loop, although they call it a cliffhanger for
TV shows. Every day at the end of the show, something
happens which makes you think, “Oh no, what's going to happen
tomorrow? I’ve got to come back and find out.” The brain doesn't
like open loops because when our curiosity is piqued we want a
conclusion.

Your ex assumed that you would contact them, beg them and
continue to pine for them. They thought they would be able to
reach out to you any time they wanted to and you'd respond.
By not reaching out to them, and not responding, you've
created an open loop. They're wondering what is going to
happen?

Will you respond if they reach out to you again or are you going
to ignore them? They don't know and this gives them FOMO
(Fear of missing out). It raises their respect for you. It raises
your value. It creates mystery. It satisfies their need for
unpredictability and plays into their fear of loss.

Who knew that no contact could do all that? Who knew that
something so simple is actually so powerful?

25
Does it work 100% of the time? I know you're wondering that.
No, that would be impossible. If it doesn’t work, that usually
means that their interest level is so low that there's no coming
back, no matter what you do.

Think about it. Aren't there people you've dated that you
would never get back with, under any circumstances? You are
done and you want nothing to do with them. Even if they won
$1 billion in the lottery, you would still want nothing to do
with them. Right?

If that's the situation, then nothing will work. But usually it's
not like that. In most cases, you will hear from your ex if you
do no contact.

26
 THE #1 REASON WHY NO
CONTACT IS SO POWERFUL

T o understand why no contact is so powerful, we have to

look at the number one quality that members of both sexes
say they look for in a partner. Do you know what that is? It’s
confidence.

Why is confidence so important? Well, let's look at the qualities

that are the opposite of confident.

Someone who is not confident is going to be insecure, anxious,

needy, constantly want reassurance, fearful and negative. Those
are all traits that we do not want in a partner, right? We want
someone who is the total opposite and someone who is
confident is the opposite of that.

27
They're not fearful, they're secure; they're not anxious, or
needy, and they don't need constant reassurance. They are
positive.

Innately, we know that whomever we’re with in our life, they

need to be strong, because life is going to throw us curve balls.
Something's going to happen. There's going to be a health
issue, job issue, money issues, something. We want a strong
partner so that they can help us in our time of need and of
course we’ll help them.

Confidence shows strength. Why do you think that bad boys

are so attractive to women? One of the main reasons is
confidence. Think about it. Their attitude is, “Well, of course
you're going to like me. Of course, you're attracted to me.” It's not,
“Please, like me.” So, if you break up with someone who’s a bad
boy, their behavior isn't going to be, “Please come back. I can't
live without you.” It's going to be, “Of course you're coming back.
Come on!”

No contact is powerful because it shows that you have the

strength and the confidence to stay away from them, even
though you want to contact them. Your ex knows you probably

28
want to contact them. You didn't want the relationship to end,
they did. They know that you want to be in touch with them.
You want them back in your life and yet you're not doing it.
You're not contacting them. That shows confidence.

When you do no contact, your ex is also going to have more

respect for you. If they had lost respect for you, it's going to go
up. They're going to gain respect for you.

You can’t have love without respect. Think about the people
who you've loved. Didn't you also respect them? And when you
started to fall out of love, wasn't there less respect? In the book
“Love Tactics”, there's a great quote which says “If you let them
disrespect you, you can kiss your love life goodbye”. I love it. It's so
true.

That's why confidence is the number one reason why no

contact is so powerful. It shows strength and your partner gains
respect for you.

29
 THE 30 DAY NO CONTACT
RULE IS BS

T he 30 day no contact rule states that when someone breaks

up with you, you wait 30 days and then you contact them.
I see this rule all over the internet. I definitely see it on
YouTube. I see certain “experts” endorsing it, and I'm telling
you right now, anyone who tells you to contact your ex after 30
days does not know what they're talking about. They do not
understand no contact. They don't understand how people
arrive at making decisions.

In the book “PsychoCybernetics”, author Maxwell Maltz

discusses how people make decisions when they are ruminating.
It can take them anywhere from six to eight weeks to decide.
That's approximately 45 to 60 days. It's not 30 days. It's a

30
minimum of 45 days before they decide that yes, they are going
to contact you.

In my own experience with my coaching clients, I've seen more

often than not that they have heard from their ex within six to
eight weeks of the breakup. What’s interesting is that a lot of
times they call me for coaching in that six to eight week period.
Why? That’s because just as the dumper might be freaking out
at that moment thinking that they need to do something, the
dumpee is thinking that their ex will never reach out.

The sweet spot is six to eight weeks after the breakup or the
time of last contact. It’s not 30 days. If you contact someone
after 30 days, I can pretty much guarantee you are not going to
like the results. Do you really think that when someone breaks
up with you, you just need to wait 30 days and then reach out
on day 31? That formula doesn’t exist. The closest thing there
is to a formula would be 45 -60 days.

If you reach out to them, you're going to undo all the good that
you've done by contacting them. After 30 days, you're
definitely going to feel better than you did on day one and
you're not going to like the results if you reach out to your ex.

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If they haven't contacted you, they probably don't want to be
in contact with you. So do you think you're going to call or txt
them after 30 days and they're going to welcome you with open
arms? More likely they're going to reject you again and it's
going to be a setback. Now you're going to feel even worse than
you did after your initial breakup because now you've been
rejected twice in 30 days. You've also just given them a reason
to not contact you because now their curiosity has been satisfied
as to whether you were going to contact them or not.

No, they were not forgetting about you. Everyone is so worried,

“Oh, my ex is going to forget about me if I don't contact them”.
Now they don't have to contact you because you contacted
them.

They may have started to wonder why they hadn’t heard from
you, but you just let them know that you’re still interested.
Even worse, you've just given their ego a huge boost. The
reason your ex is not going to forget you if you don't contact
them is because it's going to mess with your head, is going to
mess with their ego.

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Everyone has an ego and they expected you to reach out. They
expected you to cry and beg and try to get them back and when
you didn't, they will probably think, “Hey, what do you mean
they're not going to come after me after I broke up with them?”
Their ego is going take a hit and they're not going to be able to
stand it.

This makes it more likely that they are going to contact you if
you'll just leave them alone and wait as long as it takes. They
want your validation. They want to see if you still care about
them. They wonder how could they just walk away like that.

If you never contact them and they never contact you, then they
really don't care. Everyone breaks at some point, even if it's just
for the ego validation or out of curiosity. They're going to break
sooner or later.

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 THE 60 DAY NO CONTACT RULE

I ’ve already told you that the 30 day no contact rule is bs.
However, I have a 60 day no contact rule, which works out
more often than not. Does that mean you should contact your
ex after 60 days? No, absolutely not. Get away from that phone!

The 60 day no contact rule means that if you do not contact

your ex for 60 days, there's an excellent chance that you will
hear from them between day 45 and day 60. There are many
testimonials in both my no contact success stories and in
comments under my YouTube videos, where people confirm
that they heard from their ex during days 45 and 60.

This time frame comes from the book, “Psycho-cybernetics”,

where the author, Maxwell Maltz, talks about the fact that
when someone needs to make an important decision, it will

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usually take them up to eight weeks (60 days), and more often
than not, they’re liable to make it from days 45 to 60.

I have some testimonials of people who have listened to me,

paid attention, followed through and they are happier today.

The first one says, “You saved my butt and helped me through
it all, to have the strength to preserve my dignity. He contacted
me basically right at 60 days after I had already ignored him
twice.”

Good for her. Just because your ex contacts you, it doesn't

mean you need to respond right away, especially if they don't
say anything substantial. If they just say hey, hello or what's up,
you don't need to respond because they might be just checking
to see what's going on with you. They haven't heard from you.
They're curious, but that does not mean they want to get back
with you. If they’re really interested in getting back with you
and you don't respond, they will reach out. You have to hold
steady and not respond. She didn't respond twice and voilà, at
60 days, there he is again.

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She continues, “You were so freakin’ right! And your snippets
about having faith were so helpful. Who knows what the future
holds, but at the very least. I'm so happy I didn't reach out. I
must have listened to your “30 day no contact rule is bs” video
literally 25 times to get through it.”

The next testimonial says, “There I was after the worst breakup
of my life, couldn't get out of bed, crying myself to sleep, crying
every time I was alone, I found Lucia’s channel and started
watching /learning. This is not made up and I'm the last person
that would ever seek advice outside of my own head.”

“When I first started watching, I had serious doubts and I

didn't believe what she was saying, that it would work, but I
received a call from my ex on day 59.( Notice it wasn't day 29.
It was day 59). I chose not to answer. Then I received another
call.” See if your ex contacts you and you don't respond and
they're interested, they will reach out again.

“I received another call the next day, day 60, and didn't answer.
Lucia was spot on with the 45 to 60 days. She somehow figured
out the path you need to take, so listen to her and have faith.”

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Well, Maxwell Maltz figured it out. I'm just relaying the
information.

This guy also talks about faith. “Faith equals believing in

something that hasn't happened yet or something you can't yet
see. You can listen to all the videos you want, but if you don't
then implement the no contact, it's not going to work.” How
can you ever know if the 60 day no contact will work if you
refuse to wait. If you keep breaking no contact, there’s nothing
that I or anybody can do or say to convince you to just do it.
You have to go on faith. That's the only way to see if it's actually
going to work for you.

He finishes with, “My relationship was only five months in, my

ex called just like Lucia said she would. I found myself during
this period and realized I'm worth much more than I ever
imagined and I don't want my ex back in my life anymore even
though I had the choice to have her back.”

There you go. He used the 60 day period to work on himself

and realized he didn’t want his ex back, but you can't arrive at
that point unless you do no contact.

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 NO CONTACT MEANS
NO CONTACT

I 've noticed that a lot of people are breaking no contact

without realizing it. The reason that no contact is so powerful
is because when your ex doesn't hear from you, especially if you
initially tried to stop them from breaking up with you, they're
going to wonder what's going on.

When someone breaks up with you, they're not 100 percent

certain about their decision, but they’re at least 50 percent
certain or they wouldn’t have called it quits. So there's always
some uncertainty when someone breaks up with you.

That uncertainty is going to work in your favor if you want

them back. You want them to be thinking about you and the
best way to do that is through no contact. In not hearing from
you and wondering what you're up to, wondering if you've

38
moved on, they will start to have some anxiety. That anxiety
then causes them to reach out.

People have to have a powerful reason in order to do something,

especially if they've broken up with you. Now, they have to go
back on their word so unless they have a powerful reason for
doing it, for contacting you, or they're not going to do it. By
breaking no contact, you are relieving their anxiety and
therefore they have no reason to contact you. I'm going to go
over some examples of things that I've seen where people broke
no contact without realizing it.

If your ex comments on one of your posts on Instagram,

Facebook or wherever, and you “like” their comment, you've
just broken no contact Your ex was probably putting out feelers
to see if you were still interested and you fell into the trap by
liking their comment. Now they don't have to feel anxious
because they're going to interpret that as you still being
interested.

Another way of breaking no contact is if you check their status

on WhatsApp, view their Instagram story, their snap - anything
that they can see that you did in regards to them. That counts

39
as breaking no contact. It shows that you’re interested in what
they’re up to. If you want to secretly check an IG story, you can
download the “Story Ghost” app and your ex won’t know
you’ve seen their story! You’re welcome.

The final example of breaking no contact is if you repost

something by your ex or even a relative of theirs. That’s exactly
what one guy did. His ex then contacted him to find out why
he did that. That is not how you want your ex to contact you.
You don't want your ex contacting you asking why you did
something.

When you're doing no contact, you need to disappear. It's like

you no longer exist. You’ve vanished. You're in the witness
protection program. No checking statuses, no watching IG
stories or snaps, no reposting, no liking comments, nothing,
absolutely nothing. Anything that they can see that you've
done, you cannot do.

Now I know that there are obviously people who still live
together or work together or they have children together so they
can't do full no contact. In that case, you only have as much
contact as necessary, with no extra contact. That means you

40
have to go out of your way to avoid them as much as possible
and only contact them or be in contact with them when
absolutely necessary. The bare minimum.

Let’s say you work with your ex. Go out of your way to avoid
running into them. Do what you have to, to not run into them,
to not see them. If you're in a meeting with them and a bunch
of other people, you sit on the opposite side of the room and
you do not look at them.

Keep in mind that every time you break no contact, the count
starts again. So if you're already a month in and you do
something to break no contact, you've got to start counting
again. It’s like someone in AA being clean for a period of time
and then they take a drink. They now need to start counting all
over again. Similarly, that month of no contact no longer
counts because you've now alleviated any anxiety that they were
starting to have about you. So don’t break it!

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 NO CONTACT IS NOT A SPRINT,
IT’S A MARATHON

W hen someone breaks up with you, unless it’s a fake

breakup, they will usually not be interested in getting
back with you within a few days or a few weeks. I see people
writing in with comments saying, “I've been in no contact for
five days… I've been in no contact for two weeks.”

Well, I hate to tell you, but that's not a long time in the world
of no contact. Five days, two weeks, three weeks, even 30 days
is nothing. Why? Because no contact is not a sprint, it's a
marathon. That means it's going to take time.

Think about when you first started dating this person. Did you
instantly become committed in a relationship with them? Two
days after meeting them? One week after meeting them?

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Usually not. You begin by dating casually and eventually
become exclusive and committed. That takes time.

So if it takes time to get together at the beginning of a

relationship, why would you think that it would be different
when you're trying to get back together again? You're probably
not going to get back together right away.

What do you do in the meantime? You want to just chill and

relax and actually expect to not hear from them for at least 45
to 60 days after the point of last contact.

You're not counting from when the breakup occurred, unless

you went into no contact right away. You count from when you
last contacted them. That's why it's important to stick to no
contact and do not contact them. If you do that, often you'll
hear from them within 45 to 60 days - that's six to eight weeks.
If you've been in no contact for three days, 15 days, etc., don't
expect a phone call or a text anytime soon. However, they just
might surprise you and contact you.

The last time someone broke up with me, I wasn’t expecting to

hear from him for a while. Surprisingly, I heard from him 2

43
weeks later, probably because I had done no contact correctly.
As soon as he said it's over, my attitude was, “Okay, no
problem. I wish you the best of luck” and that was it. This
probably shocked him because I'm sure he was expecting
resistance and for me to beg, like most people do.

When I heard from him, he didn't say anything substantial, so

I didn't answer. He continued to reach out occasionally, but I
didn’t respond for 2 months. I don't respond unless I see that
the other person is making an effort to try to get back with me.

You need to stay in no contact until your ex contacts you. Then,

depending on what they say, you may or may not want to
respond.

You want to make sure your ex is being real and says something
substantial, if you're going to respond to their text or message.
If they just want to check up on you to see how you're doing,
or they want to be friends, you can ignore those messages.

If you're currently doing no contact, I know it's difficult. I

know it's probably one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing
you've ever gone through. Stay strong. There is light at the end

44
of the tunnel. You just need to chill, don't expect to hear from
them right away, and more often than not, you will hear from
them. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll get back together, but
you will hear from them.

45
 2 EXCEPTIONS TO THE NO
CONTACT RULE

T his is the chapter you've been waiting for - the one where I
tell you that you can break no contact.

There are two exceptions to breaking no contact, so you have

to fall into one of these two categories. Otherwise, get your
hands away from the phone. Do not contact your ex, do not
text them, do not call them, do not send smoke signals!

However, if you're lucky or maybe not lucky, to fall into one of

these two exceptions, then you can contact your ex after a
period of no contact. If you did one or, heaven forbid, both of
these two things, then yes, you’re allowed to contact them and
I will let you know when.

46
The first exception would be if you cheated on your ex. It
would be totally wrong if they then break up with you and you
just sit back and say, “Well, I'll just let them contact me”. You
cheated on them and now they're supposed to contact you? I
hope not. I hope they're smart enough not to contact you.

Exception number two would be if you took your partner for

granted and you didn't pay enough attention to them. Again,
it would not be right that they break up with you because you
didn't pay attention to them and now you're going to continue
to not pay attention to them. They're going to think, “Well gee.
I broke up with them because they didn't pay attention to me
and now they're still not paying attention to me, so I'm not
calling them.

If you're in one of those two categories, yes, you’re allowed to

reach out after a period of no contact. How long should you
wait? It's difficult to say because there is no one size fits all
solution to this type of situation.

There definitely has to be a period of no contact, because when

someone breaks up with you, they do not want to hear from

47
you. They do not want to see you. They do not want to contact
you.

If you try to contact them right away, they'll know that you're
just reacting to the breakup They know that you may not
necessarily be sorry and that you obviously haven't changed that
fast. They want you to take some time to reflect and think
about what you did, so calling them after a day or two or even
after a week is not going to be enough time.

You should wait a minimum of four weeks before reaching out.

Give them time to cool down. You’ll need to have a good excuse
for reaching out. If their birthday is coming up, or even if your
birthday is coming up, you can contact them and say you were
thinking about them and you wanted to reach out and see how
they were doing.

Try to find some plausible excuse for contacting them. Don't

mention the breakup. Don't talk about getting back together.
You're now beginning fresh. It's like beginning a new
relationship, even if it's with someone you already had a
relationship with.

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Your goal in contacting them is to try to get them to see you,
start hanging out with you, so you can show that you are sorry
for the way you behaved before, that you’ve changed and that
you do want them back.

49
 6 TRICKS YOUR EX MAY USE TO GET
YOU TO BREAK NO CONTACT

W
you?
hy would your ex be trying to get you to break no
contact when they were the ones who broke up with

Well, sometimes they've changed their mind and they want to

get back together, but they're too proud to go back on their
word. So they're trying to get you to make the move, but you
can't make the move if you're in no contact.

Another reason your ex may want to still be in touch with you

is because they want to be friends and of course, again, if you're
not in contact with them, if you're not responding to them,
then you can't be friends.

50
I’m going to go over some of these very manipulative ways that
your ex might use to get you to break no contact, but of course
you're not going to fall for them because you're reading this!

Let’s start with a comment from one of my YouTube videos:

I've been in no contact for five days. (Ooh, a whole five days!).
My ex contacted me asking for help and I ignored it. (Good).
She then sent a new email saying, “Fine, I won't talk or bother
you again. Bye.” Is she testing me, hoping I’ll respond?

Hell yeah, she's testing him. If someone is not going to talk to

you again, they're not going to announce that they're not going
to talk to you again. They're just not going to talk to you again.
So the very fact that she’s announcing it means that she's trying
to get a response. Whenever someone announces something, it
usually means they're trying to get a response. Otherwise
they're just going to do it.

Something else that your ex might say when they see that you're
not responding to them is, “So you're not talking to me now?”
That's right. I'm not talking to you.

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The next text your ex may try to get you to break no contact
with is to say, “Is this what we're doing now?” Yes. That is what
you’re doing now because they broke up with you. It’s
interesting how someone can kick you out of their life and then
be surprised that you don’t want to speak to them.

Something else your ex may say is, “I guess you don't care.”
They contact you. You're not responding, so now they're trying
to play on your guilt. Don't fall for it. Remember, they dumped
you. They kicked you out of their life. They said they did not
want to be with you. Did they care? No! So stick to no contact.

Another trick, and this happened to one of my coaching clients,

is that they may send you something sentimental in order to get
you to feel something. One of my clients, her ex sent her a
photo that he knew would be very meaningful to her and it
worked. She was very upset and wanted to break no contact
Instead she booked a coaching session with me. She was in
tears, but luckily she did not break no contact.

Interestingly enough, they did speak a few days later and he

again reiterated that he did not want to give her false hope that
they would get back together. He was manipulating her by

52
sending the photo to get a reaction, to get her to break no
contact by calling or texting him. Yet he didn’t want to get back
together, so don't fall for it.

Lastly, something your ex might do is to call you out on social

media. I have another coaching client whose ex was doing this.
Sometimes it’s directly, sometimes it’s indirectly, but there’s no
doubt the messages and posts are aimed at her. Since she’s in
coaching with me, she didn't respond, even though he’s called
her out several times.

If your ex is trying to get you to break no contact, don’t react.

You need to wait, you need to be patient until it's the right
time. If you've just broken up, talking right away is not going
to help. Emotions are still raw.

I would suggest you stay away from your ex until they say
something substantial, which shows you they may be regretting
their decision. If they're saying the things I mentioned above,
do not respond at all. Let them have their little tantrum.

There's no point in trying to talk to them when they have an

attitude. They need to change their attitude. They need to be

53
more humble. Until they start sending messages/emails/texts
where you can tell that their attitude has changed, that they are
more humble, there's no point in responding. You will not get
the result you’re hoping for.

54
 PART 2

YOUR BEHAVIOR DURING

NO CONTACT

55
 WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING
DURING NO CONTACT?

B y now you know that one of the reasons for doing no

contact is to make your ex feel your absence, miss you, and
hopefully reach out. However, there's also another reason why
no contact is important.

Let’s start with a comment. “I love your videos, you helped me get
better. I'm no longer waiting on her to contact me. Even if she does,
I'll turn her down. I love her more than any woman in the world.
But someone turning their back on me is not something I can forget.

I freaked out because of her making me feel like I was always

second, but now that time has passed, I don't regret it because I was
indeed second and it made me work out like an animal and
propelled me to start two businesses. I'm starting a third online and
hopefully a fourth business.

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I never mistreated her. I was loyal when she wasn't loyal to her own
words. I came to the conclusion I would much rather have her as
my motivation to become the best version of myself than to have her
next to me in the end. It's her loss, not mine. Her effort was crap.
She didn't care how I felt and she disrespected me by lying to me.

I've worked on myself. I can guarantee she hasn't done the same.
So, it's dumb to go back to someone that sees no reason to change
her ways. But because I do love her, I get to reap the motivation
benefits she gives me and I've learned to use being broken to fix
myself. It's pretty awesome how you can take the worst moment of
your life and actually use it to fuel you to be the best person you can
possibly be. For that, I'm grateful.”

Well, good for him. I'm glad he turned a negative into a

positive. Yes, it's great to work on yourself. That is one of the
things that you should be doing during no contact. That way,
if you get back together with your ex or you get with someone
else, you're now a new and improved version of yourself.

For me, breakups always motivated me to work on myself. I

was never one of those people who, if someone broke up with
me, I would stay in bed crying all day. No! My attitude was,
“Oh yeah, you'll see. You'll wish that you never broke up with

57
me or you'll wish that you never behaved in a way that I was
forced to break up with you”. So, it's great to work on yourself.
This guy talked about working on himself physically and
business wise and that's wonderful, but you also have to work
on the inside.

What does that mean? Working on the inside means that you're
working on your mind. Working on your mind means that you
reach a place where you realize that happiness comes from you.
You hear that all the time these days. What does it actually
mean?

What it means is that you realize that you're happy or unhappy

depending on what you choose to focus on, on what you are
thinking about. It's not something external. That's why it
comes from you, it comes from the inside, it comes from your
mind. It's not about who is or isn't in your life, which is
external.

Once you fully understand that your happiness depends on you

and no one else, you're free. Everyone has to come to that
understanding on their own. For me, it's taken years of study
and following different teachers. Now I'm at that place. That's

58
why for me it's easy to walk away from a breakup or just accept
it and not try to stop it. I know I don't need any one person in
my life. You can have the greatest person in the world for you,
your soulmate with you, and still be unhappy.

Why is that? If this person is so great, if this person is the one,

if they're your soulmate, why are you still unhappy? It’s because
happiness comes from you and what you're focused on. What
you're thinking determines what you're feeling.

That’s why you can be single and not have your soul mate or
someone great in your life, and yet, if you're focused on great
things, on beautiful things, you're happy when you wake up.
You choose to be happy. You choose to focus on love. You
choose to focus on what you have instead of what you don't
have and you're happy. It's not about who is or isn't in your
life.

During no contact, while you're waiting for your ex to contact

you, you should be working on yourself. Yes, work on the
exterior. Lose weight, work out. Start a business like the person
in the comment. However, don't forget your mind because
that's ultimately where your happiness comes from.

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 SHOULD YOU RESPOND
TO YOUR EX’S TEXT?

T here seems to be a lot of confusion around whether or not

you should respond to your ex’s text or phone call. Let's try
to clarify that so that you know what to do and what not to do
when you finally hear from your ex.

As I’ve said many times before, there is no “one size fits all
advice” when it comes to dating, and especially when it comes
to getting your ex back. You don’t know what your ex is going
to say when they text or call, but you need to have a general
idea as to whether or not you should text or call back.

One girl commented on my YouTube that her ex had texted

four times and said, I miss you each time, and she hadn't
responded. She wondered if should she respond in that case?
Hell yeah. I mean, he's saying he misses you and he did it 4

60
times! That's usually the first step to getting back together. Why
wouldn't you respond? I'm glad she didn't respond right away
after the first I miss you, but waiting till the fourth one, it's just
too much.

You want to respond when they say something substantial. So

that would be an example of something substantial. Something
not substantial would be if they just say, “Hey” or “What's up”
or “What's going on?” They need to sound humble and/or
apologetic.

Don't worry that they're not going to text you back again if you
don't respond. If someone wants to give back with you, when
they text you and you don't respond, they will text you back
again. It's not like they really want to get back with you, they
text you, you don't respond and they say to themselves, “I really
want them back but I guess they're not interested. I'll just move
on.” They need to show that they're putting in some effort and
if they can't even put some effort into a simple text, what makes
you think they're going to put effort into getting you back?

That's why you want to wait until they say something

substantial. If they say, “I miss you’, that is substantial. You can

61
generally respond, unless you think they may just be saying that
to get you to answer. You don't have to respond the first time
they text you if they say they miss you. They’re going to be
expecting you to be hurt or upset or to have a bit of an attitude,
since they broke up with you. If they're interested in getting
back with you, they’re going to wait a bit and then they'll reach
out again. So don't worry.

I have an email from someone who's confused about what to

do when his ex reached out. He said, “I've been watching your
videos and doing no contact. Me and my ex broke up months ago,
which was mutual (It’s not mutual unless both of you say it at
the same time. Someone said it first.) I’ve made some mistakes
after the breakup. It's been over a month and she texted, Hey, and
I ignored it. (Good). But now she's calling nonstop.”

He didn't say that she was leaving a message. If they call, don't
pick up, because you don't know what they're calling about and
you want to see if they’re going to leave a message. Let them
call a hundred times. They need to leave a message or text you.
And that's exactly what she did.

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He goes on to say, “She finally texted me and said, ‘If you ever
gave a f**k about me, you would just tell me you’re alive.’ She
broke up with him and now she‘s worried about whether he’s
alive? No, she just wants to make sure she still has access to him
and she’s frustrated that she doesn’t.

In this case I said, no, don't respond because she has an attitude.
If someone still has an attitude, they are not anywhere near
ready to get back with you. When someone misses you to the
point that they decide, “Oh my God, I made a mistake. I need
to get back with him. I need to get back with her”, they're not
going to have an attitude. They're going to be humble. They're
not going to say what this guy’s ex said. She needs to calm
down, get rid of the attitude and be more humble and then he
can finally respond. Until then, there's no point.

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 SHOULD YOU ANSWER IF
YOUR EX CALLS?

I t happened! Your ex finally called! You've been doing no

contact and out of the blue, they're calling. So what are you
going to do? In order to know what you should do, it helps to
know what you shouldn’t do. The comment below is a perfect
example of the latter.

“Yesterday at 5:00 PM my ex called me when I was at work and

I missed her call. I returned the call when I got off work and no
answer and she didn't try calling again. It's driving me nuts and
I want to send a text now. I was over 30 days no contact.”

He fell for it. The fact that he was so anxious to talk to her led
him to call her back even though she didn't leave a message. He
had no idea why she was calling. He managed to make it to 30
days of no contact and then he ruined it, for no good reason.

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When your ex suddenly calls you, you don't know why they're
calling. They may have just temporarily felt like they missed
you and wanted to reach out and maybe after you didn’t
answer, they were relieved. They felt, “Okay, good. I didn't
really want to talk to him but I was weak in that moment” and
that was it.

Or maybe they dialed your number by mistake. It happens.

Maybe they called and let it ring once and then hung up into
in order to trick you into calling them. Or maybe they actually
had a legitimate reason.

The thing is, you don't know why their phone is calling your
phone. Just as a good attorney does not ask a question that he
doesn't already have the answer to, you do not pick up the
phone if you don't already have a very good idea as to why
they're calling.

Since she didn't leave a message, he should not have called her
back because it showed that he was anxious. Maybe she didn't
like the fact that he hadn't reached out in 30 days and she was
trying to get him to break no contact. In this case, it worked.

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If she had called and said, “Hey, just called to see how you're
doing”, my suggestion would have been to not respond. When
your ex reaches out, they need to say something substantial. It’s
obviously too late for this guy since he already called back, but
let's hope he didn't text her.

So if you're ex calls, don't answer. See what happens. Do they

leave a message? If they really want to get back with you, they're
going to leave a message or they're going to call again when they
see that you don't call them, so don’t be in a rush to respond
when their number finally pops up on your screen!

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 SHOULD YOU CONTACT YOUR EX ON
THEIR BIRTHDAY?

Y ou’re in no contact and your ex’s birthday is coming up.

Should you contact your ex to wish them a happy birthday?
Let’s go over the meaning of no contact: No contact means no
extra contact. That means that you don't contact your ex unless
you absolutely have to. If you have children together or property
together or you work together or have a business together.

However, if none of those situations apply to you and your ex's

birthday is coming up, then no, you do not contact them on
their birthday.

They kicked you out of their life. They're saying that they see
no value in having you in their life and now you want to reward
them by contacting them and saying, “Happy birthday”? You
think that they will probably respond to that text, you’ll start a

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conversation and then you'll get back together. Sorry. That's
not how it works.

This also goes for holidays: Christmas, Thanksgiving,

anniversaries, their children’s birthdays, etc. I remember a lot
of times when I broke up with guys, I would always get a phone
call. Some ex would come crawling out of the woodwork on
Christmas, my birthday, Thanksgiving, something. There
would always be a phone call or a text. Did I respond? No I did
not.

Stop looking for a loophole. Stop looking for reasons to contact

your ex. They're not going to come back just because you
wished him a happy birthday. Stay in no contact.

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 SHOULD YOU RESPOND IF YOUR EX
WISHES YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

O ne of the most asked questions about no contact is what

to do if your ex contacts you on or near your birthday.

Here’s a recent comment from my YouTube channel: “I

probably discovered your channel too late, but reaching out to you
now as an unexpected contact from my ex came last Friday night
at 9:00 PM just before my birthday weekend began. Yes, she broke
up with me and she reached out for my birthday. She texted, “I
hope you're having a great birthday weekend. Heart Emoji.”
(Ooh, the heart emoji). Thanks to your videos. I did not reply.
(Good). I was good for the weekend and felt empowered at not
responding and knowing she was thinking of me on a Friday night.
I didn't really care what her intentions were at this point and knew
she possibly just wanted to put herself in my head before the
weekend. On the other hand, I've been doing a lot of law of
attraction exercises and practicing more self love for the last two

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months, so I figured maybe I was finally manifesting the first signs
of a breakthrough. (They're called sprouts). I've gone over 60 days
of no contact. I'm so proud of myself. (Good for you). She surprised
me by messaging me again last night, Monday, through Facebook
messenger.”

See what happens when you don't rush to respond to your ex?
They usually contact you again. That's why most of the time
it's better to just sit tight. He goes on to say: “She wrote, ‘Not
sure if you got my other message, but just in case I hope you're
having a good birthday weekend. Truly’. Since she added the word
“truly”, plus the fact that she messaged me twice, I decided I could
probably send her a text.” (Yes, she's earned her text. She's earned
her response).

He goes on to say: “I really didn't know what to do. I think you

mentioned not responding unless they say something specific of
substance. (That's right). And to ignore messages where they seem
to be ignoring/avoiding the situation, which she clearly is. But I
think you've also done videos where you tell people that ignoring
their ex was a bad idea because they thought no contact equals not
responding.”

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There is no “one size fits all” answer. That's the problem.
Sometimes it's best not to respond at all and sometimes you
should respond. That's why I always advise booking a coaching
session so you can tell me exactly what's going on.

He ended with: “I chose not to ignore her second attempt, but I

just gave her the abbreviated version of thanks – thx. I felt it was
the compromise between responding and ignoring. I hope that was
the right thing to do. (Yes it was). I can tell you one thing that
already doesn't feel good about my having replied is that I feel a
little loss of personal power and not sure why that is.”

That’s because, once you go a good distance with no contact,

and 60 days is a good distance, you start to feel less powerless
and more powerful. That’s why I feel so strongly about no
contact. I know how powerful it is. When you're no longer
thinking of breaking it, you get to a point where you don't want
to break it. Obviously at some point you have to, if you're going
to get back with your ex.

If your ex contacts you on your birthday, whether you respond

or not depends on how fresh the breakup is. If you just broke
up a week or so ago and now they're saying happy birthday, I

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wouldn't respond. It’s too soon. They haven’t had a chance to
properly miss you.

If it’s 30 days, say thanks and go from there. Don't try to carry
the conversation. They need to show that they're texting you
for more than just to say happy birthday because they might
just be doing it to be nice or just to catch up to see what you're
up to. They're curious as to why you haven't contacted them.
There may be a lot of reasons why they reach out to you during
your birthday and it may not be to get back together. Keep that
in the back of your mind when you’re deciding whether to
respond or not.

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 SHOULD YOU BREAK NO CONTACT
ON VALENTINE’S DAY?

I f Valentine’s Day is coming up, you may be thinking of

sending your ex a card or flowers. Your friends may even be
encouraging you to do it. There are so many reasons why this
is a very bad idea.

Let's start with the actual definition of Valentine's Day. I

looked it up and the first thing that came up was, “Saint
Valentine's Day is celebrated on February 14 each year. The
reason why it is celebrated on that day is because this was the
day that the patron saint of lovers, Saint Valentine, was
supposedly executed on.”

So, we're celebrating a day that someone was executed on. Nice.
Did you know that?

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Here’s the thing: Saint Valentine is the patron saint of lovers.
He's not the patron saint of ex-lovers. He's not the patron saint
of “hopefully together again” lovers. He's the patron saint of
lovers. You and your ex are no longer lovers, you are no longer
in a relationship. Contacting them on Valentine's Day would
be like contacting a man on International Women's Day and
wishing them a Happy International women's Day! He would
say, “Ah, you're crazy. I'm not a woman. Why are you contacting
me on this day?”

That's one of the main reasons to not reach out to your ex on

Valentine's Day. You are no longer lovers, you're no longer
together, so it's no longer appropriate to contact them.

Another great reason is that you're breaking the no contact rule.

They may respond and say thank you for the card and/or
flowers, but that's it. It doesn't mean they're going to get back
together with you. They're not going to think, “Oh, I should get
back together with my ex. They contacted me on Valentine's Day.

What it does mean for you is that you've now broken no

contact, so you have to start the count all over again. All the
good you've done with no contact and all the suffering that you

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had to go through during no contact, was basically for nothing.
It gets wiped out.

It’s like starting a marathon, since no contact is a marathon and

not a sprint. Two or three miles down you go back to the
starting line and you start over. Who in their right mind would
do that? That's exactly what you're doing when you reach out
and break no contact.

When you break the no contact rule, you’re rewarding bad

behavior because they broke up with you and now you're
reaching out to them and wishing them a Happy Valentine's
Day. It teaches them that they can break up with you and you'll
just be sitting around waiting for them to call and they can
come back to you anytime. So, what is the impetus for them to
want to hurry up and come back to you? They don't have any,
because they know that you're just sitting there, waiting.

You have to keep in mind that we want to ignore bad behavior

(that means no contact) and reward good behavior. That means
that if your ex contacts you and they are humble and/or they
say something substantial, then you respond. Ignore the bad,
reward the good.

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There are two exceptions to whether or not you should contact
your ex on Valentine's Day: If you cheated on your ex or you
took them for granted, then yes, depending on how long ago
the break up was, how long the no contact period has been after
the breakup, you can reach out to them. In fact, you should if
you took them for granted or you cheated. But remember there
has to have been a period of no contact of at least 30 days,
because if they break up with you on Monday and you contact
them on Friday, I doubt they're going to want to talk to you or
get back with you.

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 WHAT IF YOU RUN INTO YOUR EX
DURING NO CONTACT?

I f you live in the same city/neighborhood as your ex or you

have friends in common, there’s a good chance you may run
into them during no contact.

A woman who ran into her ex while she was doing no contact
wrote to me:

“I was dating this guy for six months and then he suddenly
started to become cold and distant,” (No, he didn't suddenly
become cold and distant. There were clues leading up to that,
but you missed them), “which drove me crazy and made me
behave really needy and chasing.” (No, you chose to behave
needy and chasing. No one can make you behave a certain way.
You decide your reaction. Don't blame him for how you chose

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to behave, based on your attachment style and your level of
confidence, self esteem and interest level.)

“We were fighting all the time and all of a sudden he put me in
the friend zone.” (Fighting lowers interest level. You want to
avoid fighting as much as possible.)

“Our last communication was a text argument.”(Never argue

via text. That's one of the stupidest things you can do. Texting
can already be a confusing form of communication, and now
you're going to argue over text? No, if you have something
important to say, you pick up the phone and talk. You don't
argue via text.)

“He wouldn't commit and I got tired of it.” (Commit to what?

Being a boyfriend or to marriage?)

“That was the core of the problem and I became possessive and
insecure. I don't want to be his friend and I prefer to cut it
completely, but he always says we need to be friends first.
Especially because we were arguing constantly.” (What he
means is that you have to be friends, period. If you're always
arguing, you're not very good friends. He's not trying to put

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you in the friend zone, but what he's saying is, ‘With all this
arguing, we're not even friends, so how can we even talk about
a commitment?’ I have to agree with him. )

“So I found out about the no contact rule and started it. It was
one of the hardest things I've ever done and I felt so much
physical pain and just couldn't stop thinking about him, but as
the days went on, it did get easier with intense moments of
anger and sadness.”

“I was going on week three of no contact and was starting to

feel amazing and strong when he suddenly turned up at a
church we had both been going to before. He never goes there
without me and he knew I'd be there. My heart was pounding
down”. (That's what happens when you see your ex
unexpectedly. Your heart will be pounding strongly.)

“I could see he was nervous and so was I. After the service we

spoke and it was really nice. We laughed and it seemed like all
the emotional pain had subsided. I gave him a hug. I couldn't
help it.” (Bad move. When you're in no contact, the ex has to
be the one making all forward movement towards you, literally
and figuratively. Meaning they have to reach for their phone to

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call you; reach for their phone to text you; reach forward to hug
you. You do not do any forward movement, so I would not
have suggested the hug, but obviously it's too late now.)

“We went outside to our cars. I walked over to his car some
more, to talk another half hour.” (Noooooooo!!!! You just
undid all the no contact. Less is more and again, you're moving
forward. You moved to his car. If he wanted to talk some more,
he should have moved to your car.)

“I was tempted to say, ‘Let's go for a drink, but I held myself”

(Well thank God for that).

“I gave him another hug goodbye. He said bye and that he'd
see me at church next week. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm
annoyed that no contact was broken. All my hard work down
the drain. Do you suggest not going to church to avoid him for
at least the next few weeks?” (Few weeks? No. Few months. Yes.
No marathon is not a sprint. It's nothing that's over in a few
weeks. You have to be prepared to do it for as long as necessary.
So if you have to, go to a different church, a different gym, a
different restaurant, a different whatever. If you think that you
might run into your ex anywhere, do not go there. Besides the

80
fact that they might think that you're going there just to run
into them, you're also going to be messing up the no contact.
Don't go anywhere that they may be.)

“I feel like I've given him back the power to check up on me.”
(I think she means that now he doesn't feel the need to check
up on her because he has seen her. That's true.) “And I should
have been more cold.” (No, it's not about being cold. This is
someone that you are supposedly in love with and someone you
want to be in a loving relationship with, so why would you be
cold? You're trying to act like you're not interested, but all your
actions showed him that you were interested. It's not about
being cold. It's about not making any forward movements. You
can be polite, you can be civilized: Hi, how are you? Blah, blah,
Blah. Nice to see you. Gotta go. Bye.)

“I wanted him to miss me. My question is, ‘Will this second

attempt at no contact have less impact now?’ (Well now it's
going to take longer than it would have otherwise, because now
he feels like he has a chance with you, that he can see you at
church).

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“What do I do if he contacts me? (I don't think he's going to
contact you because he said he'd see you at church. That means,
‘I'm not contacting you because I'm going to see you at church.’
However, if he contacts you, same thing: Hello, how are you?
Blah Blah Blah. No forward movement. If he wants to see you,
he makes the move.)

“I can say one thing for sure. And that is that in just two weeks
of no contact, it has brought me so much clarity. I'm able to
see things I just couldn't see when I was in it, like my behavior
and also his.” (Yes, that's the beauty of no contact. Not only
does it show the person that you're not going to chase them,
but you're also able to step back and see what's really going on
and what your actions did that led to that situation.)

“What's also amazing is it seemed like he had some clarity as

well, but I still definitely feel it needs more time. That's why I
think at least 30 days is absolutely needed. (No, not 30 days. As
many days as needed, as long as needed. You cannot put a time
limit on no contact. It's not a sprint. It's a marathon.)

To recap, if you run into your ex, be classy and polite. If you’re
a woman, let your ex take the lead. No forward movement on

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your part at this time. If you’re a man, you can ask to get
together again, unless you can clearly tell from her actions
and/or body language, that’s she’s not interested or not happy
to have run into you.

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WHAT TO SAY IF YOU RUN INTO YOUR
EX’S FAMILY/FRIENDS

P eople often get confused as to what to do when they speak

to their ex's family or friends. Sometimes you just can't
avoid it, right? So are you breaking no contact by speaking with
them? No, you’re not. However, by giving information to
them, you are harming your chances of getting your ex back.
The beauty of no contact, one of the reasons why it works so
well, is because your ex doesn't know what's going on.

However, if you speak to one of their family members or friends

and you pour your heart out to them by saying how upset you
feel over the break, how devastated you are and how you want
them back, well, you know the chances are pretty good that the
information is going to get back to your ex. Now you're hurting
your chances of getting back with them. Now they know that

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you're upset and you want them, especially if you reveal that
you’re doing no contact. They know what you're up to. There
goes your plan and you greatly hurt your chances of getting
them back. If you're speaking to anyone who knows your ex,
you have to assume that the information that you tell them is
going to get back to your ex. Even if they say, “Oh, don't worry,
I won't tell them.”

NO! Trust no one. Do not tell them anything. Say something

along the lines of, “Yes, I know it's over. I was surprised, but you
know, what are you going to do?” You have to take more of a
blasé attitude, like you've totally accepted it. Keep in mind they
may not believe you. They may think, “Wow, they’re being really
cool about this. They’re really calm.”

Later on down the road, months later, if you do get back with
your ex or if you never get back with your ex and you don't
care, then you can tell them the truth. But for now, I know
you're going to be tempted to pour your heart out because you
think that they will help you to get your ex back. But most of
the time, it's not going to happen.

A lot of times people say that their ex's parents or their friends
are also upset about the breakup and think that their ex made a

85
mistake but you know what? It doesn't matter. They're not
going to be able to talk your ex into coming back. Ultimately
it's your ex's decision and they're not going to listen. Don't
think that these friends or family members are going to be able
to help you get them back. That's why you don't have to tell
them anything.

I had a coaching client who was doing no contact. She was

doing a great job of it and her at ex was acting a bit weird. We
later found out that she was talking to a friend of hers and this
friend of hers knew a friend of her ex and information was
getting back to the ex.

Anytime you say anything to anyone, you have to make sure

that it can in no way get back to your ex. You can talk to friends
of yours who don't know your ex or family members of yours
who you know are not going to talk to your ex. Otherwise, if
the information that you give out can get back to your ex in any
way then just be calm, make it seem as if you've accepted it and
you're moving on.

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 DON’T LET YOUR FRIENDS CONVINCE
YOU TO BREAK NO CONTACT

I want to issue a warning.

DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS CONVINCE YOU TO

BREAK NO CONTACT!!!

Anytime I've heard advice that friends have given to coaching

clients of mine, 99% of the time it was wrong. It was the
opposite of what they should have been doing. They'll say
things like, “Oh, just tell her you love her. Have you told her
you love her?” This was after a guy's fiance broke up with him
and didn't even tell him the reason. So his friend just figured
that if he called her and told her loved her, everything would
be fine. Yeah, right…

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Something else your friends may say is, “Just call him/her.”
That's what everyone says, right? Everyone thinks that every
problem will be solved if you just call your ex. However, that's
usually not how it goes, as anyone who's tried that has found
out.

Here’s the thing: Your friends eventually get tired of hearing

you talk about your ex ad nauseam. (Look it up). They figure
that if you just call or text, your ex will either respond and you'll
work things out and then you can stop whining (which is how
they interpret you constantly discussing your ex). Or, if your ex
ignores you or tells you again that it's over, that you will also
stop whining.

But they're wrong. Little do they know that you will not stop
talking about it if you don't get back together. In fact, it's going
to be even worse.

I know your friends mean well and they want the best for you.
They really think they're doing you a favor by telling you to
reach out to your ex but they're not. They're not dating experts.

88
They're coming from a subjective point of view based on their
experience. Whereas myself and other experts, we come from
an objective point of view. We don't take sides and we're not
trying to get you to stop whining. We look at things objectively.
If you say, “My ex was terrible, they did this and this and
this…”, we don't say, “Oh, that’s horrible. Your ex is a horrible
person.” We try to discover what led up to that happening, to
your ex behaving that way. They obviously didn't behave that
way in the first place, or you wouldn't have had a relationship.

You need to speak to people who are objective and your friends
are not objective. So please save your friendships and try to keep
the ex talk to a minimum and give yourself the best chance at
getting your ex back by continuing with no contact.

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 PART 3

YOUR NO CONTACT FEARS

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 WHY YOU’RE AFRAID TO DO
NO CONTACT

W hy are you afraid to do no contact? Yes, it’s fear. It's not

that you don't want to do it, but you're afraid to do it.
You’re concerned that if you don’t reach out, they will forget
you. It might not necessarily be that you're thinking they're
going to forget that you even existed, that you even had a
relationship, but that if you don't reach out to them, they're
not going to reach out to you. But guess what? If you don't
reach out to them and they don't reach out to you, that means
that even if you had reached out to them, you would probably
never have gotten back together,

However, people don't want to find out the truth. So, in order
to avoid having to deal with the truth, they want to reach out
and make contact. They think that if they talk to their ex, if

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their ex hears their voice and they have a nice discussion, then
the ex will be reminded of the good times and want to get back
together. That's rarely how it goes.

Or, if they don't talk to the ex, but leave a message or send a
text, even being in limbo feels better than nothing at all. They
think, “Well, I was the last person to leave a message or send a text,
so now there's a chance that my ex will contact me because they
have a message/text to respond to.”

So they start out with high hopes and keep checking to see if
their got back to them. Now an hour goes by, two hours, 24
hours, nothing. They tell themselves, “Okay, no problem.
They're just busy or playing hard to get.”

Another day goes by and still nothing. They think, “Oh, they're
still mad, but you know, they'll contact me, they'll contact me.”
Hope keeps it alive. Until finally one day, there’s the realization
that they're not going to respond, but at least in that time when
they first contacted them, they gave themselves.

That’s why you want to break no contact. You’re trying to give

yourself hope, but it’s a false hope. The best hope you have, the
best chance you have of getting your ex back, in most cases, is

92
to do no contact. Otherwise when you break no contact, you're
just going for the short term gain, but you're not thinking long
term. So you might feel better short term with the hope that
they're going to respond to your text or call you back.

You get a high momentarily. What about the long game? Now
you've just alleviated any anxiety they felt at not hearing from
you. They know you're still interested. Now they have no desire
to reach out to you or try to get back to you or with you because
they're not ready or they don't want to. Now they know that
you're not going anywhere. Their mindset is, “Okay, cool. I can
still be out here doing my thing and, I can get back together with
them down the road if I feel like it”.

That’s why it's imperative that you think long term and think
of the fact that you're hurting your chances long term when you
break no contact. You have to be prepared to be in it for the
long haul. This isn't going to be resolved overnight. Generally
it's a marathon, it's not a sprint. So hang in there!

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 WHY YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO DO
NO CONTACT

T here is one thing that will prevent you from doing no

contact successfully. Do you know what it is?

It’s your anxiety and how you deal with it. The reason that
people have a hard time sticking to no contact is because they
cannot handle the level of anxiety that comes with doing it.

No contact is very effective, but it's also very difficult to do. I’ve
heard someone call it “brutal”. When people break no contact,
they're trying to find some relief; they're trying to get rid of the
anxiety.

The body and the mind are programmed for survival. The
mind doesn't care if you get your ex back, it just wants you to
survive. When you feel anxiety, it immediately looks for a way

94
to relieve that anxiety and in this case it thinks, “Well, I'll just
contact my ex and then I'll relieve my anxiety”. That would be
great, if that were the usual outcome.

However, for those of you who have broken no contact, you

quickly found out that it's actually the opposite. It's ironic that
the anxiety will usually get worse after you contact your ex.
More often than not, you're not going to get the response you
thought you were going to get. Now you've been rejected again
and the anxiety will continue or get worse.

When you reach out to your ex, you’re thinking short term
instead of long term. You’re reacting to your temporary feeling
of anxiety. The next time you’re tempted to reach out, ask
yourself: Do I want to talk to my ex right now or do I want them
back?

You can't usually have both at the same time if someone broke
up with you. You either want to relieve your anxiety
temporarily, contact your ex and have them maybe respond or
you can wait and have them contact you when they can no
longer manage their own anxiety.

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Yes, they're going to have some anxiety on their part too. When
someone breaks up with you, there is usually still a part of them
that would like to get back with you, that is still interested in
being with you. That's why no contact is so effective. If your ex
still cares, it will cause them to have anxiety when they don’t
hear from you and eventually reach out.

In the meantime, the key to doing no contact successfully is to

find a way to manage your anxiety so that when you’re tempted
to reach out to your ex, you won't do it.

I believe there's only one true cure for your anxiety and no, it's
not Xanax or Prozac or whatever the drug of choice is these
days. That's just a band-aid put over a larger problem that is
not going to get rid of the anxiety permanently.

What I believe, what I know actually helps, is having a spiritual

or religious practice. You need to have faith. You need to believe
in a higher power that you can turn to when you feel anxious,
when you feel scared about anything in life.

Whether it's God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, Source

energy, the Universe or anything/anyone that makes you feel

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stronger when you read about them or you hear what they have
to say. I believe that is the only thing that will alleviate your
anxiety. It’s not going to get rid of it permanently, but at least
it gives you a reprieve.

You have to practice it everyday - every morning and every

night. In the morning when you wake up, you need to read
something that will set the tone for the day, that will align you
for the day.

You’ve probably heard the expression, “Got out of bed on the

wrong foot.” It’s a real thing. If you don't take the time to set
the tone for the day, the tone will set you. You have to decide
before you get out of bed what state of mind you're going to be
in. That’s why you want to read something inspirational -
quotes, the Bible, whatever works for you.

This is called having a “morning routine” and a lot of celebrities

and successful people who you've heard of have some type of
morning routine. They don't just wake up, jump out of bed
and start the day. No, they set the tone for the day. I can't
overemphasize the importance of this enough.

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I do it, and when I don't, I feel the difference. I especially have
to do it because as I do my coaching sessions throughout the
day, I hear stories of people who are very upset and who have a
lot of anxiety. I have to be the one who's calm, centered and
grounded. If you follow the same routine, then you too will
eventually become more calm, more centered, and more
grounded.

You also need to add meditation into the mix, to slow your
mind down, to calm down and to have some moments of peace.

There are several apps that you can use if you've never
meditated before. I recommend the Headspace App. It has
guided meditations, so you don’t have to feel as if you’re alone.
You can start with just for a few minutes a day. You don't have
to jump into 15 or 20 minutes because I know that is a lot of
time if you've never quieted your mind before. The app will
lead you through the meditation, so all you have to do is relax.

French physicist Blaise Pascal once said, “All of humanity’s

problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

It's really that simple.

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 I DON’T BELIEVE IN NO CONTACT

M ost people struggle with no contact. Here’s a comment

from a guy who doesn’t believe in no contact and wants
to be convinced that it works.

“I'm on the 20th day of no contact. It's very hard. I miss this girl
so much and I really want to prove to her that I'm changing and
improving myself, but I've been blocked on all social media. I've
been taught by some “love experts” that women will never reach out
if they have lost interest in you.”

Well, I can tell you right now, that's not true. I have a lot of
male coaching clients and their exes who are women have
reached out, so I don't know who these “love experts” are, but
you cannot make a blanket statement like that. There are very
few absolutes in love and it’s absolutely not true that women
will not reach out if they break up with you.

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Before you take advice from anyone, look at their credentials.
What have they done? Are they really into this or are they just
doing it to make money? If all they're doing is making videos
on YouTube and they have a website that they send you to, I
would be suspicious. Someone that really wants to help people,
will try many different avenues to reach people.

I had a radio show for five years. I had a local TV show in Los
Angeles for three years. I've written a book and I've done
numerous radio, TV and print interviews. I didn't make money
at this for ages. I did it for the love. You’ve got to look at who
is giving you the information and what their motivation is.

Continuing on, he says, “My ex did tell me to move on a few

times, but I don't want to”. That's not a good sign when your
ex keeps telling you to move on. However, I have heard of
people who did tell their exes to move on and then they
changed their minds and wanted the ex back, but it's still not a
good sign.

“I've never loved someone so much and I really want to win her
heart back. I'm trying my best not to break no contact to have the
talk.” The talk is not going to work. You can't talk someone

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into coming back because you're trying to use logic when it was
an emotional decision that they made when they left. They
need to have an emotional reason for coming back. Not a
logical one. You can have the most logical explanation in the
world. You can have it all laid out in bullet points. Here are all
the reasons we should be together. Their response will be,
“Yeah, that's true. Those are all true. But I still don't want to come
back.” So you can't talk someone into coming back.

“I don't really know who and what to believe anymore. Please

convince me not to break no contact. I've seen your videos about
the horrors of breaking no contact but it’s still not enough to
convince me.”

Wow, he’s a tough sell. Well, I can't convince him. I've made a
million videos on what happens if you break no contact, on the
fact that you shouldn't break no contact. If those aren't enough
to convince him, nothing will. The fact is I can't convince him
or you. You have to convince yourself. I can only give you the
facts, I can only give you the information and you have to
convince yourself. And if you're not convinced, okay, there's
nothing I can do.

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This guy went on to say that in fact he did contact her and she
responded and they had a “nice conversation”. That’s great, but
just because your ex is willing to talk to you when you reach
out, it doesn’t mean they want to get back together.

A lot of the times when you break no contact and contact your
ex, they'll respond. They'll be nice. They don't want to be rude
and they may also be curious because they didn't hear from you.
But it doesn't mean that they want to get back together.

However, all you've done now is let them know that you're still
waiting for them. Even if you don't say it, the very fact that you
contacted them tells them that you're still waiting for them.

If they were ambivalent about their decision, if they were

having second thoughts and were wondering if maybe they
should not have broken up with you, you've just given them
even more time to stay away from you and decide whether they
want to take you back or not.

He went on to say that he's going back to no contact. As you

can see, sometimes you have to break no contact to convince
yourself that you shouldn't break it.

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If you're really struggling with it and are not convinced that
you should do no contact, then you know what? Go ahead. You
have my permission. Break it, if you dare. It's as if you keep
insisting on playing in traffic and I'm telling you, you're going
to get run over and you don’t believe me. You think, “Not
everyone who plays in traffic gets run over.” So, go ahead, play
in traffic. When you get hit, maybe then you’ll believe in no
contact.

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 WILL NO CONTACT STILL WORK IF…

I want to answer a question I am asked almost every week and

that is, “Will no contact still work if __________(fill in the
blank). This could be anything from, “If I begged and pleaded”
“If I stayed in contact with them”, “If I remained friends with
them”, etc.

The response to that is always the same: What other choice do

you have? You've already tried everything else. You've stayed in
contact and it didn't work, so what other choice do you have?
You’re either in contact or you're not. Staying in contact didn't
work, so now your only other option is no contact.

The fact is, the question is actually not, “Will no contact still
work?” The question is, “What should I be doing during no
contact?” That's the better question and the answer to that is:
You should be working on yourself.

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You should be bettering yourself, working on your self-esteem,
self-love and your self-confidence, so that if and when you’re
back in contact with your ex, you're not the same person they
broke up with. You’re better, you're more evolved, you've
grown.

That way, if in the future there is another breakup, either with

this person or with someone else, you will be less likely to do
the things that you did with this breakup. That means that
you're less likely to beg and plead, stay in contact, text them,
stalk them or to remain friends in the hopes that they will want
to get back with you.

Some people can just very easily walk away and say, “Okay,
fine”. They have no problem doing no contact because they
love themselves above anything else. They have the confidence
that if it doesn't work out with this person, if this person
doesn't see their value, if this person doesn't come back, it's
okay.

If that type of confidence doesn’t come naturally, the only way

to attain it is to work on yourself. The attitude you want to have
is: It's an abundant world. If it didn’t work out with this person,

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there’s someone else who it will work out with. That's the point
you want to be at. That way, no matter who breaks up with
you, you're okay with it. You're at peace. That's the goal.

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 IS IT TOO LATE TO DO
NO CONTACT?

O ne of the most asked questions I get is, “Is it too late to do

no contact?” Honestly, that is a pointless question,
because if it is too late, what are you going to do now? The truth
is, do you really have a choice? Are you just going to go back to
begging and pleading and stalking and pestering and constantly
reaching out to your ex hoping that they'll change their mind?
If you've been doing all that and it hasn't been working, then
what other choice you have? You have to do no contact.

Is it too late? It depends on where your ex’s interest level is, on

how close it is to 50. It was below 50 or they wouldn't have
broken up with you, but how much more did you lower it once
they broke up with you? If you behaved in a way that was low
value, then you may have pushed it down into the low forties

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or thirties. Your ex may have thought, “I didn't know he/she
was like that. Thank God it's over. Thank God I'm moving
on.”

This is why, when someone breaks up with you, you have to

just seem to accept it on the surface, say okay, and walk away.
Otherwise you're going to lower their interest level even more.
It's going to be that much harder to get it up above 50.

You either totally turned them off during the relationship and
when they broke up with you, there was absolutely no chance
they are going to get back with you. Or when they broke up
with you, the way you handled the break up turned them off.
So even though there may have been a slight chance, it's now
gone. Or, you might have a chance, but there's no way there of
knowing that, unless you do no contact and wait to see if they
eventually reach out to you.

I recently had that conversation with a coaching client of mine

where he kept breaking no contact. He kept contacting her and
she just finally said, “Listen, I don't want you in my life. Get
away from me.” She swore at him. She told him in no uncertain
terms, “I do not want you anywhere near me.” So imagine how

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surprised I was, and of course I'm sure as he was too, when she
texted him a week later!

The thing is, you never know. That's why you just have to do
it. That's your best bet. And then let the chips fall where they
may. That way, even if you don't get back together, you heal
yourself.

No contact isn't just about getting your ex back. It's also about
you getting back into a normal state of mind and not constantly
obsessing over your ex.

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WILL MY EX THINK I’VE MOVED ON IF I
DO NO CONTACT?

I f you’re doing no contact, at some point you’re going to ask

yourself, “Will my ex think I've moved on if I don't reach out?”
My response to that is, “Well, we can only hope so. We can
only hope that they think you've moved on or will be moving
on.”

People in no contact are always looking for a reason to break it,

and they think this is a good reason. Their reasoning is, “My ex
is going to think I've moved on so I need to reach out.” No, no, no!
Wrong! If they think you're moving on or have moved on,
that’s actually what’s going to cause them to reach out to you,
if there's still some interest there.

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That's why people often get bread crumbed by their ex. By
bread crumbing, I mean they'll contact you and they'll say,
“Hey”. When you respond to that, you don't hear back from
them. You continue to leave them alone and two weeks later
they contact you again with “How are you doing?” and maybe
even have a short conversation.

They then disappear again because they weren’t interested in

getting back with you; they just wanted to make sure you were
still going to respond. They figure if you're still responding,
you're still interested and you haven't moved on. That's why
we don't respond to those breadcrumbs, texts and phone calls.
We want the fear that you will move on or have moved on to
make them reach out and say something more than “Hey” or
“How are you doing?”

Think about it. If you were to suddenly find out that your ex
had moved on, would it not make you immediately want to
reach out to them to find out if it's true? Well, it also works in
reverse.

So if they're wondering what's going on with you, their interest

level is going up. That question mark turns upside down and

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becomes a hook that hooks them in. It raises their interest level.
Now they're wondering if you’ve moved on and they're asking
themselves if they should reach out to make sure you haven't
moved on.

They'll also be wondering how you could just move on so easily

and not contact them. That's why it's important to stick to no
contact and to have faith, even though you don't know what's
going on with your ex and you don't have a clue what they're
thinking. They may be freaking out and want you back, but
they're waiting for you to contact them thinking that you’ll hit
them up sooner or late, even though they broke up with you.

That's why the longer you do no contact, if there's still some

interest on their part, eventually they are going to reach out.
They don't know what's going on and they do have that fear
that you have moved on or will move on.

I know it's counter intuitive, but do not be afraid and think

that you have to contact your ex because they're going to think
you've moved on. We can only hope that that is exactly what
they're thinking!

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 I’M AFRAID MY EX WILL MOVE ON
DURING NO CONTACT

A re you afraid your ex will move on if you do no contact?

You’re not alone. Everyone who does it has the same fear,
but here's the thing. When you say that you're afraid that your
ex will move on if they don't hear from you, even though they
broke up with you, you're looking at it logically. You're
thinking, “If my ex doesn't hear from me, they will think I'm no
longer interested. They will think I've moved on and therefore
they'll move on and I won't hear from them.” If love and dating
we're logical, that would make sense. That would be a great
argument.

The problem is that when it comes to dating, we're not dealing

with logic. Do you want proof? Okay. How about the fact that
they broke up with you, they kicked you out of their life, they

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told you they do not want to see you anymore and yet you still
want them back. Now, is that logical? Is it logical to want
someone who doesn't want you? No, it's not. We're not dealing
with logic.

So how is it that logic doesn't apply to you because you want

them back, and yet you think it would apply to your ex that
they would move on if they don't hear from you because you're
doing no contact? In fact, it doesn't. There's no logic involved.
Dating, love and attraction is often counter-intuitive. Using
logic to figure out what's going to happen or not going to
happen doesn't work.

Remember, they broke up with you. So why do you need to

reassure them? Why do you need to reach out to them? They
know that they are supposed to reach out if they changed their
mind because they broke up with you.

More often than not, they're not going to think you’ve moved
on. You're projecting your fear onto them. You're afraid that
they're going to move on. If so, you assume that they are going
to think the same thing - that you've moved on. That's why
you want to break no contact. However, if they haven't missed

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you enough, if they haven't realized that they lost something
good, they're not going to come back.

Whether you contact them or not, and even if your fear that
they’ve moved on happens and they start dating someone else,
most likely it will be a rebound. It's rare that someone breaks
up with you and then vanishes into thin air. Very, very rare. At
some point, curiosity, nostalgia, guilt, or whatever, will make
them reach out. It may take longer than you would like but it's
very unlikely that they will never reach out.

I currently have a client whose ex broke up with him over a year

ago. They talked six months ago and he mentioned getting
together and her attitude at that time was - Hell no! Well, now
it's over a year later and things are finally starting to turn
around. She's made a 180-degree turn.

No contact is not something that you do for a few weeks or a

few days and then you hear from your ex. You need to be in it
for the long haul. All these fears that come up, all this logic that
you're applying to the situation, isn’t helping you. Even if you
do reach out to them, if they're not ready to get back to you, if
they're not ready to talk to you, it won't matter. You'll just have

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broken no contact and shown them that you're still there
waiting for them and then you'll need to start the count all over
again. As usual, your best bet is no contact.

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 WILL MY EX FORGET ME DURING
NO CONTACT?

T he question that is on everyone's mind when they start to

do no contact is, “Will my ex forget about me during no
contact?”

My answer to that is: Really? That’s what you're concerned

about? Come on! That's just your fear, your lack of confidence,
your low self-esteem and your limiting beliefs talking. No, they
are not going to forget about you.

Look at it this way. If you're doing no contact, they're probably

wondering if you've forgotten them or if you're on your way to
forgetting them. They don't know what you're doing.
Meanwhile, behind the scenes, you wake up thinking about
them, you go to sleep thinking about them and you think about

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them all day. You're constantly talking about them to anyone
who will listen to you and stalking their social media (if you
haven't been blocked).

It may look like you've forgotten about them or are on your

way to forgetting about them, but you know that you certainly
have not. In fact, it's the opposite. I get to see the other side
through my coaching clients. When they get their ex back, they
find out what their ex was doing behind the scenes. They find
out their ex was actually stalking them on social media. If they
had blocked their ex, then the ex was stalking their friends’
social media, to see if they might pop up on it. They were doing
something. They weren't just moving on and forgetting about
you and acting as if you never existed. It's just not going to
happen, especially if you initially begged and pleaded and then
all of a sudden you went, no contact.

They'll think, “Well, what was that all about? First they seemed
so upset that I broke up with them and then all of a sudden they
just disappeared. Was that just an act? Did they find someone else?
Why aren't they begging and pleading?”

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So don't worry. People don’t usually just walk away and not
look back. That's impossible. They will wonder what's going
on with you and why you're not trying to get back with them.

That's why it's so important to do no contact and to maintain

it. When someone is wondering about you, their interest level
is going up and that question mark becomes a hook. That hook
is what makes them want to contact you and find out at the
very least what's going on? Why have you not contacted them?

They’re not going to call you up and say, “Hey, why aren't you
contacting me? Why are you not more upset that I broke up with
you?” But they will want to find out how you can move on so
easily.

Of course, we know you haven't moved on. You're patiently

waiting by the phone hoping that they will call or text you.

So the answer to the question, “Will your ex forget about me

during no contact?” is, “Hell no!”

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 WHAT IF MY EX IS ALSO DOING
NO CONTACT?

O ne question everyone trying to get his or her ex back

always asks is, “If you're doing no contact and your ex is also
doing no contact, what ‘s going to happen?”

You can never know for sure whether your ex is doing no

contact, just as they can never know for sure whether you're
doing it. Just because you haven't heard from them, it doesn't
mean that they're doing it too.

Obviously, if neither of you ever reach out, then nothing's

going to happen. You'll never speak again. You won't see each
other again unless you run into each other at some point. So
that should be obvious, right?

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However, usually what happens is that someone is going to
break no contact. Hopefully it won't be you. If you don't break
it, there’s a very good chance that at some point your ex will
contact you, even if it's just out of curiosity to wonder what the
heck you're doing. They’ll wonder how you can just stay away,
especially if you were being needy by begging and pleading
when they broke up with you. They’ll wonder why you’re now
radio silent, and when someone is wondering about you, their
interest level is going up.

If you haven't heard from her ex, don't worry. Most of the time
an ex will reach out. It may not necessarily be to get back
together, but they’ll reach out for one reason or another.

Your job is to know what to do when they do reach out, so that

you're prepared and not caught off guard. You’ve already taken
the first step by reading this book and understanding the whole
no contact concept. You can also take a more personal approach
and book a coaching session with me where we can work out
a strategy of what to do when you finally do hear from your ex.

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 PART 4

BREAKING NO CONTACT

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 ARE YOU THINKING OF BREAKING
NO CONTACT?

A guy who did no contact left a long, detailed comment on

my YouTube channel, which really renewed my faith in
no contact - in doing nothing. I know it's going to renew yours.
If you're thinking of breaking no contact, his story below will
inspire you.

“My ex is a coworker. No contact is hard but not impossible

because we're in the same building, but we don't work together.
We had broken up a few times before, but it all came to a head
over the phone when she stated I should let her daughter live at
my place. That way I could live with her and everything would
be great for everyone.”

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“I asked her how would she pay rent? She has no money
(referring to the daughter). Of course she told me I shouldn't
be concerned about money. I told her that decisions about my
home were none of her business. She said it wasn't a suggestion.
It was an ultimatum and if I really cared about her, blah, blah,
blah, I hung up on her. I blocked her on text and social media,
so work is our only interaction.”

“She initially acted like nothing had happened and expected me

to be happy to speak with her again. I can attest myself to the
power of absolute indifference. She has put out some feelers and
I have been unmoved and her behavior around me has changed
starkly. The chinks in her armor started showing two months
out.”

As I said in the chapter, “The 30 Day No Contact Rule Is BS”,

people will usually start to wonder if you're ever going to come
back between the sixth and eighth week after the point of last
contact, so two months would be 8 weeks. If you haven't heard
from your ex yet, and it's only been four weeks, five weeks, six
weeks, it may still be too soon, so hang in there.

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“You could tell she was confused and couldn't pretend she was
indifferent anymore. I had always come back before. She
literally hung her head in shame once when we bumped into
each other. I was used to this defiant and argumentative woman
and now she looked ashamed. Not calling on her birthday, had
broken for her, and her cold facade started to break.”

“After eight months of no contact, a prideful and belligerent

woman looks vulnerable and broken. The tide has turned. She
just found out I'm transferring this summer to a different
facility and now she looks desperate. I know she has something
up her sleeve. I caught her looking at me the other day. I saw
sadness, regret, and longing. I know she wants me. She's an
open book now.”

“I try to remember the contemptuous look she gave me when

she broke up with me the next day at work, after the phone call.
I can't articulate how disrespectful she was to me at that
moment. She did not let me down easy. She was cruel and rude
and blunt. I didn't know what I was doing was no contact until
I read about it later. Doing nothing is powerful. It
communicates everything to those who have underestimated

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and undervalued us. Your strength, your boundaries, your
standards, your patience, your dignity and your belief that
something better is out there on the horizon is all
communicated.”

“When you're willing to walk away and you refuse to

compromise yourself, doing nothing speaks volumes.”

This is the power of no contact. That's why when you say it's
been five days of no contact or one week of no contact, I know
it seems like a lifetime to you, especially if you were used to
speaking to the person every day or several times a day, but if
you really want your ex back, then you have to stick with no
contact.

There are 2 exceptions. If you cheated, then at some point, you

have to step forward and contact your ex. Or if you were being
selfish and taking your ex for granted, they had a right to break
up with you. At some point you have to reach out.

However, if your ex was the one who was in the wrong and they
broke up with you, you have to stick to no contact. You have

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to make them regret losing you and come back to you. You
can't go looking for them.

I hope his story has been inspirational and you’ll re-read this
chapter if you’re thinking of breaking no contact.

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 SHOULD YOU BREAK
NO CONTACT?

W hat happens when you break no contact? If you've seen

my YouTube video, “How to easily get your ex back”,
you may have seen the hundreds of comments underneath it.
There are currently over 1200. Many of them say that they did
break no contact and reach out to their ex. Not in one instance
did anyone say, “I contacted my ex and now we're back together.”
No one said that from all the comments posted so far.
However, there are comments from people who said that they
did not contact her ex and the ex contacted them and they’re
now back together.

I have also seen this with my coaching clients. So far, none of

my clients who broke no contact, even though I told them not
to, have gotten back with their ex.

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A few years ago I was dating someone and I broke up with him
because he canceled three dates in a row in a space of about two
weeks. By the time he canceled the third date I was done and I
ghosted him. I didn't let him know it was over.

He called the next day to apologize for his latest canceled date,
but I was done. He continued to call for several months leaving
messages, emails, etc. but I did not return his calls or emails.

As you can see, he broke the no contact and it didn't make me

respond, even though he was begging and pleading for me to
get in touch with him. If anything it did the opposite. The fact
that he missed me so much boosted my ego. I was also getting
pleasure in his pain, because I wanted him to hurt as much as I
felt I’d been hurt. This is not uncommon. People often gain
pleasure from knowing their ex is in pain after hurting them.

So by contacting your ex, not only are you boosting their ego,
but, depending on the message that you leave them, they’re also
going to be happy that you're in pain. As crazy as it sounds, it's
just a natural reaction.

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About 15 months later, I interviewed Cindi Sansone-Braff on
the radio show I was doing at that time. She had written a book
titled, “Grant Me A Higher Love”, in which she talked about
ending things in a karmically correct way and apparently,
ghosting is not karmically correct. LOL.

I thought, “Oh no, I'm going to have to apologize for the way I
ended up things so I can end this correctly”. I sent him an email
and 10 minutes later he called. A few weeks later we got
together and he said that after I broke up with him, he realized
that I could have been “the one”.

Notice how he came to that conclusion. It wasn’t because I

stayed in the relationship and let him treat me like a doormat
or because I nagged him and got upset because he cancelled
dates. He came to that conclusion because I walked away and
didn’t reach out to him.

No contact can work both ways, to make the person realize that
they've done something wrong, even if you were the one who
ended the relationship. When you do no contact, your ex is
forced to think things through. Notice that he didn't do no
contact and it didn't do him any good. All of his calling didn't

130
get him anywhere. I didn’t answer. It just let me know that I
could take as long as I wanted to get back to him and he'd be
there waiting.

So I hope I’ve convinced you that it's rarely, if ever, a good idea
to break no contact. If you're thinking of breaking it, re-read
this chapter instead of contacting your ex.

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 THE 3 TIMES YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO
BREAK NO CONTACT

W hen you’re in no contact, there will be times that are

more difficult than others to stick to it. Let’s discuss the
three times that will be the most difficult.

The first one is when you're just a few days into no contact,
especially if it's a new concept for you. If you've never done it
before with other relationships and you finally decided to try it.
If you had been begging and pleading and you saw it wasn't
getting you anywhere, and so you said, “Okay, fine, I'm going to
try this no contact thing that Lucia keeps talking about.” You start,
and within a few days you're freaking out. You think, “What if
I never hear from my ex again? What am I going to do? I need to
reach out to contact my ex”. No, you don't. You just need to chill,
calm down. A few days may seem like a lifetime, but in the

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world of no contact, it’s not a lot of time. No contact is not a
sprint. It's a marathon.

If you make it through the initial part of no contact, you're

going to find yourself starting to worry again during weeks 7
and 8. As I talked about in the chapter on the 60-day rule, if
you just leave your ex alone, there’s a good chance you'll hear
from them during weeks 7 or 8. That may be the time when
they decide they want to reach out.

However, it's also the time when you will most likely to be
freaking out yourself. I often see that with my clients and I warn
them beforehand, so they’ll be prepared. If they tell me that
their ex broke up with them June 1stand they immediately
started no contact, I tell them, “Mark on your calendar July 15
to July 30th because that's when you're probably going to feel
the need to reach out if you haven't heard from them before
that.”

The third time that you are most likely to break no contact is if
you find out that they're seeing someone new or you think that
they're seeing someone new. They either change their Facebook
status to “in a relationship”, or you see that they posted a
picture of them with another guy/girl, or you see some flirting

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going on, on social media. They're liking someone's posts, that
other person likes their posts, they're making comments or
posting heart smiley faces. So you think, “Oh my God, I need to
get in there right away and contact them because otherwise they're
going to move on and I’ll lose them forever”.

Don't do it. Just don't do it. It's not going to work. I know you
think that as long as you jump in you'll be able to stop it, but
they just kicked you out of their life. They said they don't want
you. What makes you think that just because you contact them
now, they’ll suddenly stop seeing the other person and get back
with you?

I think we've all been out with someone where their ex was
blowing up their phone and their attitude was an eye roll. You
don’t want to be that annoying ex who keeps trying to make
contact. You‘ll look pathetic, to be perfectly honest. That’s
when you really need to be strong. Realize that at the moment
you are powerless. You need to wait. Making decisions and
taking action based on fear is rarely, if ever a good idea, whether
it comes to dating or life in general.

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 SO YOU BROKE NO CONTACT…
NOW WHAT?

Y ou couldn't help yourself. Doing no contact is very difficult

and you feel like a drug addict. Never mind feel like one,
you actually are one. It's been shown that people trying to get
over a breakup are like heroin addicts or coke addicts trying to
get off drugs. You need that hit. You want that hit, which in
your case is contact with your ex.

It's a struggle and it's also counter intuitive. I was recently

speaking to a coaching client of mine and he gave the analogy
of flying a plane. He's a part time pilot and he said that no
matter what you see, you have to go with the instrumentation.
If you want to turn left and your instruments tell you that you
need to turn right in order to get to where you want to go, then

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you need to disregard what you see, what you feel, what you
think is right, and go with the instruments.

In this case, I'm like the instruments in a plane. So no matter

what you're feeling or thinking, what I’m telling you is counter
intuitive. You have to do the opposite. If you want to reach out,
if you want to break, no contact, you can't. The instruments
are telling you to go to the right. Do not go to the left. If you
want to get you where you're going, if you want your ex back,
if you want to have the best chance to get your ex back, veer to
the right.

Now that you've broken it, what can you do? Well, there's only
one thing to do. You have to get back on the horse and that is
get back to doing no contact and try to stick to it please, because
every time you break it, you have to start the count all over
again.

Even though you may have broken up two months ago, if you
break no contact and reach out, you have to start the clock all
over again. If seven weeks passed and then you reached out,
you're no longer at seven weeks of no contact. You're now at
day one of no contact. That's why it's really important to stick

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to it because otherwise you have to start counting all over again
and it's going to take even longer to get them back. People
complain, “Oh, it takes such a long time.” Well then stop
breaking no contact and you'll cut that time down.

Otherwise you're going to reassure your ex that you're not

going anywhere, that you're waiting there patiently and they
have no reason to reach out to you. They have to have a reason.
They're not going to do it just because you want them to. They
need an emotionally compelling reason. Usually anxiety and
the thought of losing you, even though they broke up with you,
is emotionally compelling enough, but you have to give them
the space to do it themselves. You can't force them to contact
you by contacting them first.

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 WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK
NO CONTACT?

I think the best way to help you understand what usually

happens when you break no contact, is to use an email from
a woman who did just that.

She begins with, “I was in a five-year relationship. Last September

I upset him and we had a few words. I told him I loved him and I
would move nearer to him when I was in a better position, which
would be soon. He lives around two hours from me. He said he
didn't believe me.”

That's an issue right there. They've been dating for five years
and when she tells him that she will soon be moving closer to
him, he doesn't believe her. After five years together, there's no
trust or he doesn't believe what she says.

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“We didn't communicate for three months after he left me. At the
end of November, I sent him a poem.” (Why? Why did you send
him a poem? ) I asked if we could talk and that I still loved him.
I got no response. I then tried again two weeks later, left a voicemail
and a text asking if we could talk. I got a missed call and the next
day I called him four times. (He called you once, you call him
four times. That makes you look desperate and needy. And, as
I've said before, who wants to date someone who's desperate?
No one.)

“Eventually that night he texted. He had nothing to say to me

except that I had left it too long. (Oh please, people get back
together after six months, a year, two years. So that's just an
excuse.) I asked if I could call him and, he just repeated what he
said. I was heartbroken. I left it another week and I tried again.
He responded by saying he's too busy to talk. (So now you're
coming across as a text stalker. You keep texting him, he doesn't
respond, you keep texting. He tells you he's not interested
anymore, that you left him too long, allegedly, and yet you just
keep trying, and trying, and trying. My question to you is, why?
Do you think that the more you bug him, you'll eventually wear
him down? You don't see that's actually a turnoff?)

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“I then sent a text that night saying I respected his feelings and
would get on with my life and that I loved him, etc. No response.”
(Of course. Because he's over it. You keep telling him that you
love him as if that's supposed to make everything better. You're
coming across as needy and very low value and saying, I love
you is not a magic formula that automatically reverses
everything.)

“On New Year's Day I was a mess and I drove to his place, but he
wasn't in. I texted him thinking he was there and asked if we could
talk. This all ended up with me looking very foolish and he was
very upset with me for my actions.” (Yes! Because before you were
just stalking him via text and now you're stalking in person.
Now, you drive over there when he's told you that it's over and
he doesn't want to see you anymore. The reason that you say
you couldn't take it anymore is because you were having
separation anxiety. You have all these thoughts running around
in your head, you get scared and fear makes you make bad
decisions like driving two hours to see someone who does not
want to talk to you. You probably have an anxious attachment
style. So when you lose someone, you get very anxious. Or

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when you're with someone, you're afraid that you're going to
lose them and you get very anxious.)

On the 7th of January, I took off on a two-week holiday with a

friend. On my way to the airport. I sent him a text saying, “Don't
contact me for two weeks as I'm away.” (Really? I mean, you really
had to do that? I know you thought that he would answer you.
That was just your manipulative way of trying to get him to
respond, but again, you're just making yourself look more low
value and more foolish. He wasn't contacting you anyway. He
hadn't contacted you in months and yet you contacted him to
say, “Don't contact me”. Does that sound sane and rational?)

“Don't contact me as it'll cost money if you do. I was trying to

regain my dignity and put myself back in his thoughts.” (Oh, trust
me, you're in his thoughts, but unfortunately the thoughts are
not good, and you don't regain your dignity by continuing to
text him when his has clearly shown you that he doesn't want
you. I know I'm being harsh, but I really need to get this
message across to you and to anyone else who's in this position.)

“I have not made contact since I got back. We had plans. I thought
we were in love. Do you feel I’ve blown it? I don't know what

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possessed me to contact him like that after three months. I've not
said anything bad. Only declared my love to him.”

That's like a stalker who keeps showing up at someone's house

and saying, “But I'm not doing anything bad. I just want them
to know I love them, but I'm not doing anything bad. I just
want them to know I love them. But I love them”. That's not
an excuse to act this way. He knows you love him. The fact you
won't leave him alone and the fact that you keep saying it, it's
not like he doesn't know. You keep thinking, “Well, he doesn't
know I love him. So I’ve got to show him. So, I’ve got to like
keep texting and I'm going to go over there and I'm going to
let him know I love him. And then he'll be back”. No, he
knows. He already knows. Now you look like what men call
“the psycho chick”. You think that you just want to show him
that you love him but you're coming across as a psycho in his
eyes and he's like, “Oh my God, when is she going to leave me
alone? I told her it's over. She keeps texting me. She shows up
here on New Year's Day”

So, you ask if you’ve blown it with him. I would say at this
point… probably, yeah.

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Her final comment is, “I'm taking your advice on no contact.” If
she had taken it when they first broke up, she might not be in
this situation, but obviously hindsight is 20/20. You can't
hound someone like that, when they’ve told you they don't
want to be in a relationship with you. It doesn't work. Yet
people do this all the time. They’re dumped and they hound
their ex, text them, beg them, and it rarely works.

Now they're more low value than before because of how they
reacted to the breakup. So, I would tell this woman to leave him
alone. Work on yourself. Find out why you can't let go, work
on your life so that you're happy and don't count on someone
else to make you happy. That's the real key to the situation.

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 3 WAYS YOU MAY BE BREAKING
NO CONTACT

T here are times when you may be breaking no contact and

not even know it, so we're going to put a stop to that
immediately. There are three ways you may accidentally be
breaking it.

1. You’re looking at their snap chat, their IG stories or their

stories on WhatsApp. If they can track who views their
stories, they can see that you've viewed them. By looking
and having them know that you looked, you're breaking
no contact because they can see that you're still
interested. Otherwise you wouldn't be looking at their
stories.

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 There are ways to look at IG stories without them
knowing it, however, I'm not going to say what it is here
because I don't want the information getting out to the
general public. However, if you do a coaching session
with me, I will be more than happy to tell you.

2. By keeping their phone number in your phone, you may

accidentally hit their number, dial them, and now
they're going to think you're trying to reach out. That
actually happened to me recently and it wasn't even with
an ex. It was with a guy I had one date with. He never
called me again and I never called him. About a month
and a half afterwards, I accidentally dialed his number.
Luckily I realized it right away and hung up, even though
it had already started to ring. I felt terrible, even though
this was someone I had only gone on one date with. I
would have felt even worse if it was an ex!

Imagine you've been doing no contact and you’ve gone 30

days, 60 days, and all of a sudden your finger slips and you

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 dial his/her number! You just broke no contact and have to
start the count all over again!

To avoid this, you have to take their number out of your

phone. Write it down somewhere if you want to, but if you
haven't already done so, take their number out immediately,
especially if it's in your favorites so that there's no possibility
of having that little accident. Even if they respond or text
you back and you say it was accident, they're not going to
believe you, so don't make that mistake.

3. Talking to friends about how you feel about the break up if

there's a possibility that those “friends” will somehow tell
your ex or tell someone who will tell your ex.

That happened recently with a coaching client. She had

been so good with no contact. Meanwhile she was telling
her friend what was going on and the “friend” (and I use
that term loosely), told someone else, who told someone
else, who told the ex. She thought she was doing great with
no contact, but meanwhile, he knew exactly what was going
on.

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Whoever you talk to about your situation, be sure they're
not a little spy, be sure it's not going to somehow get back
to your ex. If there's the possibility of that happening, do
not say anything. If they ask you about the break up, say
something like, “You know what, it's over. It's in the past. I
just don't want to talk about it.” I know you will probably
want to talk about it, but just don't do it. It's going to
undermine all the effort you've put into doing no contact.

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 WHY IT’S SO EASY FOR ME TO DO
NO CONTACT

I f someone breaks up with me, I immediately say, “Okay”. No

questions, no discussion, nothing. I just walk away and they
never hear from me again. If they don't reach out, oh well,
goodbye.

I know most people do not have the confidence or ability to be

this blasé about a breakup. That’s why I want to talk a bit about
my dating history to help you understand why it's so easy for
me to do no contact. Hopefully it'll help you to be able to do
it too.

I've dated a lot and most of the time I was the one to end the
relationship. The reason that I usually broke up with the guy,
more often than not, was because I felt that he wasn’t that

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interested, didn’t really care about me or he was taking me for
granted. I'm not one to sit around nagging and complaining. I
don’t say, “Oh, you don't like me. You didn't call me.” I see the
writing on the wall and my attitude is, “Alright, peace out” and
I just leave.

A lot of times I would ghost, before ghosting was even a thing.

I didn't know I was ghosting. I saw that in 99 percent of the
cases when I would just disappear, the guy would contact me.
However, usually by the time I left, I was done, so I didn't care
that they had contacted me. I either never got back to them or
even if I did, I had emotionally moved on or had lost interest.

People have broken up with me a few times. I only begged one

time, when I was 29. Of course it didn’t work. About an hour
after that tearful phone call, I came to my senses and thought,
“What am I doing? Why am I begging? If he doesn't want me, fine.”

So when he called a few days later to check up on me and see

how I was doing, I was a totally different person. He probably
thought someone had taken over my body. He said, “I'm just
calling to check up on you and see how you’re doing?” I responded
with, “Oh, I'm doing great. Thanks for calling. Yeah, I was a little

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bit surprised the other day when you called, but I'm good now.
How are you?” And what do you know? Two weeks later he
called and wanted to get together.

I saw that even with a guy who had broken up with me, if I just
left him alone, eventually he called back on his own, without
any contact from me. That's why I have so much faith in no
contact. I see how people typically behave if you just leave them
alone and don’t reach out.

For me, no contact is somehow instinctual. Call it confidence.

Call it ego. Call it narcissism. I don't care what you want to call
it, but I put my feelings and my happiness first. My thought is,
“If you don't want me, then why would I want to be with you?”

However when someone breaks up with you, you're not

thinking straight. Your emotions take over your intellect and
you just want that person back. It's like taking something away
from a baby. It’s probably going to cry. That’s why I think it's
instinctual that as soon as something is taken away from us,
especially if it's a surprise, our first reaction is to immediately
want it back.

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It's fine if you want your ex back, just don’t reach out. Don't
contact them. I promise you, if you just leave them alone with
no contact, more often than not, you will hear from them. Stay
strong and have faith.

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 NO CONTACT HORROR STORIES

I want to discuss what happens when you break no contact. I

have some stories of people who broke no contact, to show
you what happens when you break it, so that hopefully you will
be inspired to continue with it. I don't usually like to use
negative reinforcement, but in this case I think it's necessary.

Here's the first story:

“I've been doing no contact for two months and I just broke it
today and my ex talked to me like normal and it's going kind
of good. She has asked me if I have a girlfriend and she said
she's still single and we talked about things. What should I do?”

I responded with “Why did you break no contact?”

“I don't know. I just missed her. Why? LOL”

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“Was it worth it to break no contact because you missed her.
Did you get anything out of it besides temporary relief?”

“You’re right, she's gone again. I learned the hard way. I should
go no contact forever. I'll be strong and heal and move on.
Your videos are right. I want you guys to never break no contact
because you're going to end sad like me.”

This all happened just within a few days. Just because your ex
answers your call or your text, it doesn't mean they want to get
back and it doesn't mean they're going to stay in touch. They
just want to be polite or maybe they're just curious. It doesn't
mean they want to get back together.

Here are some more:

“I find no contact hard. I've broken it once and got cursed out
last Friday. I just got completely ignored.”

“I did the 30 days BS and I contacted her after that and it

pushed her away even further”. So basically they get rejected
twice. Now it's even harder to move on or to try to get back
when they’ve rejected you twice, especially if it's twice in 30
days.

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Here's a story of someone who keeps breaking no contact:

“I'm really struggling after being dumped. We split up for a

month and I did no contact, which worked as she came back in
tears. Then after two weeks, her behavior was distant and flaky.
So I told her I didn't want friendship and she ended it. I did no
contact again for two months and then sent her a picture of us
saying, “Remember the good times? Goodbye” Nothing.

That’s because she knew you weren't for real. She knew you
were just testing her and you weren't really going away. And in
fact he goes on to say: “I did no contact again for two months
and then sent an email with another simple message reminding
her of good times. Nothing back again.”

He just keeps getting rejected over and over and over. He

continues:

“I was thinking of giving it another few weeks and then just

phoning to arrange a catch up lunch as friends and telling her
that I was wrong. I should have been cool with being friends
instead of giving her an ultimatum. Is this a horrible plan?”

Yes, it’s one of the worst plans I've ever heard. He is never going
to get her back that way. He’s so desperate to have her back in

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any way, shape or form that he’s willing to go along with
whatever she wants. He’s going to be in the friend zone forever.
He will probably never get out of it. He just keeps shooting
himself in the foot and as you can see it's not working. She
doesn't care.

The next one says:

“I used the no contact rule. After 30 days I texted him. After

two text messages, it all stopped there. What should I do now?
Is it finished or do I still have a chance? A week has passed and
still no response. I don't want to scare him. What should I do?”

What should you do? You should do no contact.

Here’s the next one:

“My ex and I broke up. She got with someone new in August.
I texted her in September and she never replied. I also emailed,
but nothing.”

Leave her alone. She’s not going to reply, especially if she just
started dating someone new.

One more:

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“I was doing really well with no contact until I saw that my ex
posted a photo of her with another guy on facebook. I freaked
out and texted her and now she's blocked me.”

This is probably why most of the time it's a good reason to

disconnect from social media because you might be doing well
when suddenly you see something, freak out and break no
contact. It's just too easy to break it if you see something on
social media. If you're not going to be able to control yourself,
then you need to disconnect all social media from your ex.

Hopefully these stories were a good inspiration, if you're

thinking of breaking no contact, to realize that it's probably not
going to help your cause. Whenever you feel tempted, instead
of picking up the phone and texting or calling, read this chapter
again.

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 PART 5

NO CONTACT QUESTIONS

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 THE 5 MOST ASKED QUESTIONS
ABOUT NO CONTACT

W hen it comes to no contact, it seems as if everyone has

the same 5 questions. So here are the answers to those
questions!

Will my ex forget about me?

Yes, they're going to forget about you. Just kidding. LOL! No,
they're not going to forget about you. Unless you dated for two
weeks or a month and it didn't really get very deep, then yes,
they will probably forget about you. Otherwise, of course not.

That's actually not even the question that you want to know
the answer to. Why? Because if I say no, they won't forget you,
now what? What are you going to do with that information?

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What you really want to know is: Are they going to contact me?
That's what you really want to know. You think that if they
don't forget about you, then there is a chance that they'll
contact you. However, whether they contact you or not mainly
depends on how well you do no contact.

Will my ex contact me if they’re stubborn?

You wouldn't believe how many people say that their ex is

stubborn and they don’t think no contact will work on them.
Unless everyone is dating the same person, which I doubt, then
a lot of people feel that way, but so what? It doesn't matter.
What matters is how well you do no contact, because at some
point, someone is going to give in. It's either going to be them
or it's going to be you. The other alternative is that no one is
going to give in. However, more often than not, if you don't
give in and stick to no contact, it doesn't matter how stubborn
they are, they will give in. You have to be patient. No contact
is not a sprint, it's a marathon.

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Will no contact work if I begged & pleaded?

It's going to be a little more difficult. It's always better if you

can just say, “Okay” right away when someone breaks up with
you, go away and do no contact. Begging and pleading, is not
going to do anything as you've already found out if you’ve done
it. You're just boosting their ego and letting them know that
you'll be there waiting for them like a puppy dog. It also lowers
your value. A high value person doesn't beg or plead, no matter
what. So yes, it's still possible, but it's probably going to take a
lot longer. So if you are begging and pleading now, if you're in
that phase, stop and start no contact.

Should I do no contact?

My answer to this is always: As opposed to what? What are your

choices? If you've already tried contacting them and/or you
already begged and pleaded, and it didn’t work, what other
choice do you have? It's like asking, “Should I breathe or not”
Well, if you want to live, do you have a choice?

Also, if they're not responding then you're doing no contact

involuntarily because you have no place to go. They're not

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contacting you or responding when you reach out, so you’re
already in no contact.

Will they contact me?

Well, let me look at my crystal ball. Hmm, let’s see. Oh, okay.
It says that they'll contact you in three weeks, six days, and eight
hours. Listen, I don't know. I'm not a psychic. Even if I could
tell you, there are so many variables with every breakup that
come into play that it's impossible to predict when and if your
ex will contact you. But I do know that the chances of your ex
reaching out go way up if you get on with your life and leave
them alone.

Bonus Question: Should I Contact My Ex On Their

Birthday?

Your ex broke up with you, kicked you out of their life and you
want to reward them by wishing them a “Happy Birthday”?
Can you spell ‘doormat’. You’re just looking for an excuse to
contact them, however you’ll be breaking no contact. The only
exception to this is if you’ve been in no contact for at least 9

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months and you haven’t heard from them. At that point, you
have nothing to lose, so go ahead. Otherwise, the answer is no.
Actually, it’s hell no!!!

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 WHEN SHOULD YOU START
NO CONTACT?

T he short answer is yesterday. The next best time to start no

contact is today. I find that most people wait too long to
start. They think that if they beg and plead and try to talk their
ex into not breaking up with them, that they will change their
mind. I have never seen that work. The sooner you start no
contact, the better. It has to come as a shock.

When someone breaks up with you, they expect you to resist.

That's why you always hear that if you're going to break up
with someone, do it in public, in case the person freaks out.
The reasoning behind that is that if you're in public, the person
you’re breaking up with will be less likely to cause a scene.

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So when you offer no resistance, you just agree with them, it's
a shock. They're confused. They're thinking, “What? I thought
you were going to try to stop me?” Even though they do want to
break up with you, they're still going to be in shock. And that
shock is the beginning of them possibly changing their mind
and wanting to get back together.

When someone says it's over, they don't want to see you
anymore, they're moving on, etc., you just say, “OK” and
immediately start no contact.

I recently received an email from someone who said, “I've

watched all your videos. So when someone recently broke up with
me, I said, okay, and that's it. But what do I do now?”

Well, if you've been watching my videos, you would know the

answer to that. The answer is nothing. You do nothing. It’s the
easiest and yet the hardest thing in the world to do, because you
want to do something. It’s the illusion of action; the thought
that you have to do something, in order to achieve a desired
result.

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In this case, you just get on with your life. If they broke up with
you on Tuesday, whatever you had scheduled on Wednesday
or Thursday or Friday that didn't involve them, you're going
to do it. Don't sit in bed sleeping or crying all day. Get on with
your life.

I had a client whose relationship had ended a few years earlier

and she wanted to start no contact. Well, it's a little late. If
you’ve been broken up for a few years and you've been in
contact here and there, and now all of a sudden you start no
contact, it's not going to be effective. If your ex hasn’t tried to
get back with you when you’ve been broken up for years, it’s
probably not going to happen.

That's why the sooner you start no contact, the more effective
it is. The best time would be the second that someone breaks up
with you. The longer you wait, the less effective it will be as a
strategy and the less chance you'll have of getting your ex back.

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 WHEN DOES NO CONTACT
START WORKING?

W henever someone asks me when no contact starts

working, my first thought is usually, “How the heck
should I know?’ That’s the honest answer. I mean, there are so
many variables. How can anyone know when no contact will
start working for your particular situation? However, I will
make an educated guess.

To understand when no contact starts working, we first have to

understand why no contact works. One of the reasons for doing
no contact is for your ex to experience life without you and miss
you, to see that you're not reaching out, and to feel anxiety. We
need all four of those things to happen. That’s why no contact
is not a sprint, it's a marathon.

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The first thing you have to keep in mind is, is your breakup real
or fake? If it's a fake breakup, you're going to hear from your
ex within 2 weeks when you do no contact. They were just
trying to get you to do something, to behave in a certain way,
to shake you up, to wake you up. If you don't contact them,
they're going to think, “Oh-oh. I made a mistake”, and they’ll
reach out sooner rather than later.

One factor to keep in mind is the length of time you were

together. The longer you were together, the more enmeshed
your lives were. That means that the sooner they experience life
without you, the sooner they'll miss you. Which means that
they'll feel anxious sooner and reach out.

However, that's only one factor. It doesn't necessarily mean

that the longer you were together, the sooner they're going to
contact you. I wish it was that easy. “You were together nine
months. Okay, let's reverse engineer and that means...” No, there
is no mathematical formula.

There are other factors to consider. We can’t forget attachment

style. A person with an anxious attachment style is going to feel
anxious sooner rather than someone with an avoidant

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attachment style, especially someone with a dismissive avoidant
attachment style. The person with an anxious attachment style
is going to reach out sooner when they see that you have
vanished into thin air.

However, more important than attachment style is interest

level. If their interest is in the 30s, no contact is going to take
longer to start working than if their interest level is in the 40s.
No matter what our attachment style is, we've all been broken
up with and we've all broken up with someone. What
determined our actions afterwards was mainly interest level.
That's the variable. Whereas attachment style always remains
the same, unless you work on yourself. The interest level is a
variable and we have to take that into consideration.

If I'm going to give you a timeframe, I'm going to have to go

back to the 60-day rule, which is based on the teachings of
Maxwell Matz in his book, “Psycho- Cybernetics.”

In the first 30 days your ex is usually fine. That's why the 30

day no contact rule is bs. There's no point in contacting your
ex within 30 days of the breakup or the point of last contact.
From days 30 to 45, is when your ex will start to get curious

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and wonder why they haven't heard from you. During days 45
to 60, they are most likely to reach out.

Even though no contact probably started working at about the

30-day mark, it still took at least another 15 to 30 days for them
to reach out. Just because it started working, it doesn't mean
they're going to reach out that day. That would be too easy.

The bottom line is, it doesn't matter when no contact starts

working. What's important is that it does work and that your ex
eventually does reach out.

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WILL NO CONTACT WORK ON SHORT-
TERM RELATIONSHIPS?

T his is another question I get a lot, since not every breakup

is between people who’ve been together for years.

You’ll be relieved to find out that it’s not about the length of
the relationship. As you may know, you can date someone for
two months and it can be a very intense two months or you can
date someone for a year and it can be just okay, but not
necessarily very intense. More important than the length of
time you dated is the intensity and the interest level of the
relationship.

I once dated a guy for 2 months and then he broke up with me.
I immediately did no contact and two weeks later he started
contacting me and continued to reach out for about two

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months until I finally responded. As you can see, it doesn't
matter if you dated for only a few months.

Obviously it's better if the relationship has been longer so that

there would have been more time to get to know each other and
for more bonding to occur. However, short-term relationships
actually have an advantage over longer relationships. You’re still
in that honeymoon phase, there’s still a lot more to discover
about each other. That means your ex is wondering if they’re
making a mistake and cutting something off too quickly. It’s
this uncertainty that works in your favor, depending of course
on the reason for the breakup. So unless you did something to
totally scare or turn off your ex, you have a good chance at
getting them back with no contact.

If your ex broke up with you and they don't want to hear from
you, talk to you or want you in their life, you really have no
choice at this point. No contact is your best option, no matter
how long the relationship was.

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 DOES NO CONTACT WORK
ON WOMEN?

It seems that some men are under the impression that no

contact doesn’t work on women. Here’s a comment someone
posted underneath one of my videos on YouTube.

He says - Lucia, I visited that other coach’s channel who says no

contact doesn't work on women. The comment section is full of
women chiming in. How it's true that they expect a man to try and
that if they go cold, a woman feels distant, disconnected, and
therefore discards and moves away mentally. Why are there so many
women on his comments feed saying this? Weirdly, I don't believe
it. I'm in no contact day 10 and I must admit it's got me reaching
for the phone. I'm starting to panic. Even though your advice
appeals to my rational head, there's a bit of me that says there's

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nothing rational about my female ex and maybe this is true.
Reading those comments has messed with my head and conviction.

I am going to un-mess with your head and give you back the
conviction. What people say they will do in any given situation
and what they actually end up doing are not always the same
thing.

Case in point, think about when women describe what type of

man they want. They say, “I want a nice guy, honest, faithful…”
They describe their ideal man. However, what type of man do
a lot of women end up dating? The bad boy.

How is it that they say they want a nice guy but they end up
dating a bad boy? That’s because there's often a dissonance
between what people say they're going to do and what they
actually end up doing.

You have to keep in mind that when people are answering

questions, especially on YouTube, they're using their logical
mind. Logically one would say, “Yes, of course, if someone forces
me to break up with them and they don't reach out, I will never
respond to them again.” However, when they're in that situation

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and there's interest, there's attraction, there are feelings, the
logical mind isn't involved. Even though they say they will
move on, they very possibly will do quite the opposite.

What I believe they're referring to is, if they broke up with

someone who took them for granted or cheated on them. In
that case, they should not reach out to the ex and if the ex
doesn’t reach out to them, that just means that he really doesn't
care, so they should move on.

A lot of times when they're answering that question about

whether no contact will work for them, they're thinking about
that type of situation. They broke up with a guy who wasn't
treating them well, so they do not want to reach out and if he
doesn't reach out, they're going to move on. That's why I said
there are two exceptions to the no contact rule: if you took your
girlfriend for granted and/or if you cheated.

Now, you still have to do a period of no contact because when

someone breaks up with you, they are not going to get back
with you right away. They're not going to break up with you
on Tuesday and get back with you on Thursday. They want

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you to think about what you've done. They also want you to
suffer a little bit, to miss them, to have anxiety.

Don't try to get them back right away. They need to feel your
absence. Even if you know that you're eventually going to
contact them, give them their space and then you can start
trying to get them back. Getting them back is going to be a
process. It is not going to be a matter of, “Okay, I gave her space
and now I'm going to call her or send her a text or bring flowers
and that'll be it”.

They want to be wooed back. Their girlfriends are going to be

saying to them, “Don't make it easy for him to come back. Make
him beg, make him beg.” So, the smart woman will not take you
back just because you show up with an apology and some
flowers. They need to know that you're not going to behave in
the same way again that led them to having to break up with
you. They have to be reassured as much as possible that you're
not going to cheat again or that you're not going to take them
for granted again. Got It?

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 HOW TO DO NO CONTACT IF YOU
HAVE KIDS TOGETHER

H aving kids with someone and being broken up, actually

gives you an advantage, believe it or not. You have to have
contact. They can't just disappear…well they can, but
hopefully they won't. You have a chance to show that you’re
making changes and improving yourself, if they broke up with
you because of your behavior.

However, you do have to do a modified form of no contact.

Obviously you can't totally do no contact, since you have
children together.

A modified form of no contact means no extra contact. You

only reach out if it has to do with the kids. So, you ask yourself
before you reach out, “Is this really necessary? Do I really need

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to contact my ex right now or can it wait?” And if it can wait,
then just make a list of things you want to talk to them about
and then do it all at once. Either do it in one phone call once a
day or once every other day, or in one text.

That way you get everything out of the way at once and you're
not reaching out every two or three hours, which is not a good
look when you’re broken up. You want to minimize the contact
as much as possible and not make it seem as if you're reaching
out just for the heck of it, just to keep in contact, because that's
not going to work.

Something you want to keep in mind is that when your ex

reaches out, you don't always want to respond. You don't
always want to pick up and you don't want to necessarily text
back right away, unless it's absolutely necessary. Otherwise, if
you don't have to respond right away, don't do it and don't
always pick up. Don't always call them back within five
minutes. Sometimes call them back quickly and sometimes wait
longer. You want to let them know that you're not at their beck
and call and you're not going to jump every time they reach out
to you.

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Do not use the kids as an excuse to break no contact. Your ex
is going to be expecting you to do that anyways. That's amateur
hour. Everyone thinks, “Oh I’ll just contact him to ask about
little Johnny,” thinking that he doesn't know what you're up
to. They’ll be able to see right through that. You're not going
to do that because you're too smart for that now that you’re
reading about no contact.

Another thing to keep in mind is not to question the kids about

what's going on over at Daddy's house or Mommy's house. You
know how kids are, you know how honest they are, and they
may inadvertently say something to your ex. Do not try to use
them as your little spies. Keep them out of this as much as
possible.

Finally, I want to talk about the exchange or the changing of

the guard, as I like to call it, when you have to either pick up
the kids or hand them over. For the first 30 days, you should
try to not be home, try to have a third party be there. If you're
living with relatives, your parents, or you have a roommate, try
to have someone else be there. If you have to drop them off,

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have a third party drop them off and/or pick them up if
possible.

You want to minimize the face-to-face contact in the first 30

days because you want them to have a chance to miss you and
to wonder about you. They're going to assume you’re going to
try to talk to them about the relationship every time you
exchange the kids but it's going to be the opposite. You're not
even going to be there and they'll be wondering what’s going
on. When someone is wondering about you, their interest level
is going up.

After 30 days, you can pop up once in a while but still not all
the time. You want to be unpredictable in terms of whether you
are home or not when they drop off the kids or whether you
drop off the kids or not. Let them wonder who is going to show
up this time.

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 SHOULD YOU DO NO CONTACT IF
YOU WERE THE DUMPER?

W hat if you were the dumper? What should you do if you

want them back, even though you felt the need to dump
them? Just because you had to break up with them, it doesn't
mean you don't still have feelings for them. It doesn't mean you
didn't want to be in the relationship, but you felt that you
couldn't go on the way things were, so you had to dump them.

Often dumpers are vilified, but a lot of the time, they are very
justified in ending the relationship. It's not like the dumpee was
innocent and they did nothing wrong, otherwise they would
not have been dumped.

However, it’s generally accepted that the person who did the
dumping is the one who needs to reach out to the dumpee.
There are three exceptions to this unspoken “rule”.

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The first one is if they cheated. If you found out your ex cheated
and you broke up with them, good for you. I know it's not an
easy thing to do and you absolutely must not reach out because
otherwise you're telling them that, “You can go ahead and
mistreat me, cheat on me and I will still be here for you.” That's a
bad thing for your ex to know. They have to know that if
they're not going to treat you right, you're going to be gone. If
you were cheated on, do not contact your ex, leave them alone.
If they want you back, they will reach out at some point and if
they don't, then you're not missing anything. You're just
missing a cheater.

The second time to do no contact if you're the dumper is if

your ex took you for granted. This is the reason I broke up with
about 90% of the guys that I’ve dated, because I felt they really
weren't that interested. They didn't really care and even if they
did, they certainly weren't showing it. It was very easy for me
to walk away when I saw that someone didn't care.

The main reason you want to be in a relationship is because you

want to love and feel love. You want to feel happier not sadder,
or you want your life to be better, not worse. If that's not the

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case, if the person is just tolerating you and you barely see them
and they barely talk to you, you're not really that important to
them, so what's the point? Why are we there? If your ex took
you for granted you are definitely justified in doing no contact
and staying in no contact until you hear from them. If you
don't hear from them, again, you didn't lose anything. You lost
someone who didn't really care.

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 WHAT IS MY EX THINKING
DURING NO CONTACT?

W hat your ex is thinking during no contact is going to

depend on their interest level. If someone has absolutely
decided that it's over and their interest level is super low, what
they’re thinking is going to be different than someone who's
interest level is closer to 50%. Obviously, it will be a lot easier
to get back with someone if their interest level is closer to 50%
rather than if it was 10%.

The first thing that they're probably going to be thinking is,

“I'm free! It's over! yay, no more drama.” They feel like they had
to do it, they had no choice and they're justifying it to
themselves. So, at first, they're relieved and happy.

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People always ask, “Well, are they thinking of me? Are they going
to forget about me?” That just makes me laugh. They just broke
up with you. It's not like they just had a lobotomy and now you
don't exist. Come on! Obviously if you only dated for two
weeks or a month, then it’s possible that they’ll move on
quickly. However if you dated for a longer period of time or
had an actual relationship, then you were a part of their life and
everything will remind them of you.

If you had breakfast together every morning, they're going to

be having breakfast alone and will notice your absence. If there
was a particular TV show you used to watch together or things
that you did together, little rituals, they're going to feel your
absence. Many things are going to remind them of you.
Presents that you bought them, photos on social media, etc.

One thing they're going to be thinking is that they can have

you back at any time. Even if you agreed with the break up, as
I recommend, and just walked away, they may still be thinking,
“Yeah, yeah, they're just putting on a brave front. I can get them
back at any time.”

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That's why no contact is so important. When you don't contact
them, what they’ll be thinking is, “What? What's going on here?”
They're going to wonder why they haven't heard from you.
That wondering, that question mark turned upside down,
becomes a hook and it raises their interest level and makes them
want to know what you’re up to. They're going to start to
wonder if you're gone for good. If maybe they made a mistake.
They're going to start to second guess themselves and this is
when they reach out to see if you're going to respond. They're
curious but curiosity isn't enough at this point, to want you
back. However, it's definitely a good first step.

This is why I say that you should not respond when your ex
first reaches out. Don't appease their anxiety. You have to let it
build. The only exception would be that they say something
substantial, but guess what? They usually don't. Don't expect
them to say something substantial in the first text. Usually it's
just - How are you? Hey, what's up? Please let me know that you're
okay.

You don't need to respond to any of those. In the best selling

book, “Love Tactics”, it says: “If you want someone to really want

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you, you've got to be willing to hold off from reassuring them long
enough to give them a chance to experience some pain over you. If
the one you want doesn't have the power to make you miserable,
they don't have the power to make you happy either”.

So, in the experience of that anxiety, when you don't respond

to them, they're going to start interpreting that as being
interested in you, caring for you and still loving you. Otherwise
they wouldn't be upset that you don't respond when they reach
out. At this point, they may start to freak out a bit.

“Love Tactics” also says that “While people disrespect that which
they have in the palm of their hand and are attracted to that which
they can't get, they become absolutely frantic with desire over that
which they already possess but are in danger of losing”.

Now, they don't possess you anymore, but they still feel like
they do. Since they ended it, they feel they can get you back at
any time. However, by building up their anxiety, by not
responding right away when they contact you, now they're not
so sure they can get you back. That's when their interest level
starts going up. This is why you want to hold off on reassuring
them.

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Something else your ex is going to be thinking is, “How can I
get them back and still keep my dignity, ego and pride intact?”
They may want you back, but since they were the ones who
broke up with you, they would prefer if you would contact
them. Everyone has an ego, and they're trying to figure out how
to manipulate things to get you to contact them. That's why
they'll start liking your photos on social media or sending you
little hints here and there. They don't want to have to be the
one to reach out.

They’re going to be thinking that they miss you at times. At

other times they're going to be fine. They're not going to miss
you. They're going to be like a yo-yo, especially in the
beginning. Sometimes they'll miss you. Sometimes they won't.
That's why when they reach out in the beginning, it's because
they miss you. But when you reassure them that you're there
for them, they may disappear and you will be wondering why
they hit you up in the first place.

They may also be thinking, “Well, I'm not going to contact them,
they have to contact me. Otherwise, I'm going to be the loser in this
breakup, if they reject me.” This is why I say that after nine

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months, if you’re emotionally okay and you're okay with the
outcome, you can reach out.

We want to give them lots of time to decide to reach out. You

also need to heal and be okay with whatever the outcome is. If
they don't want to get back with you or if they don't respond
to your text or call, you want to be in a place where you’ll be
fine and it's not going to be a setback for you.

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 YES, YOU CAN BREAK
NO CONTACT

C an you ever break no contact? You’ll be happy to know the

answer is yes, but only under certain circumstances.

The first one is that at least nine months have gone by since the
breakup and the second is that there's been little to no contact
in those nine months. If nine months have gone by, the chances
are slim that your ex is going to contact you. However, if the
breakup was nine months ago, but you've been contacting them
every week or every month, then no, this is not for you.

If your ex is single, nine months have gone by and you haven't

heard from them, then at this point you almost have nothing
to lose. You're probably feeling a lot better now than you did
in the first few months. You should be able to handle the

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consequences. Meaning, if you don't hear back from them or if
you just chat with them and it doesn't look like you're going to
get back together, you should be at that place where you're
more or less okay with it.

But if you're still very emotional about the break up and you
can't handle any type of rejection, then do not contact them,
whether it's been nine months or nine years. You need to be in
a place where whatever the outcome, you're going to be more
or less okay with it. Your thoughts should be, “I would like to
get back with her or him but if not, you know… it's been nine
months. I've moved on, I've worked on myself, I feel better so I
won't be totally devastated.”

I have had several clients get their ex back after nine months or
longer. One of the couples had been broken up for over a year.
There had been sporadic contact, but she wanted nothing to do
with him. He reached out again after a year, to wish her happy
birthday. He had no expectations and didn't really expect to
hear back from her. However, she got back to him, wanted to
talk to him, and she made things happen. She was interested in
getting back with him now, whereas before she wasn't ready. In

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some cases it takes longer. They had been broken up over a year
and finally got back together.

A holiday is always a good excuse for reaching out, if you feel

you need an excuse. Wish them a Happy Birthday, Happy
Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and so on.

To recap, if it's been at least nine months and you're in a good

place and can handle whatever the outcome is, go ahead and
reach out.

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 PART 6

NO CONTACT SUCCESS

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 5 SIGNS THE NO CONTACT
RULE IS WORKING

I f you've been doing no contact, at some point you probably

wondered, “Is it even having any effect? Is it working?”

Here's the thing about no contact. People hate it when you use
it on them, because it's effective. You’ve taken back your power
after being dumped and they are no longer in control. The
dumper doesn’t like the fact that you're able to control yourself
and not contact them.

Even though they broke up with you, even if they want to get
back with you, they may not reach out. This could be because
they’re stubborn, they still think you’re going to reach out to
them at some point or they’re proud and don't want to go back
on their word. That’s when they are going to try to get you to

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break no contact and to contact them, but we're too smart for
that, right? We're not going to let it happen.

Here are five signs the no contact rule is working:

Your ex puts up posts on social media which seem to be aimed

at you or they're very obviously aimed at you. They say
something about my ex this and my ex that, or about how
wonderful their new girlfriend/boyfriend is, etc. This happened
with a client of mine. Her ex was putting up posts referring to
her several months after the break up. He sounded angry and
he probably expected her to reach out at some point, but luckily
because I was coaching her, she did not reach out. We saw his
posts getting more and more angry. He obviously wants her to
reach out or to react somehow.

If you see posts on social media that seem to be aimed at you,

they probably are. They're trying to get a reaction out of you,
either good or bad, so that you'll reach out. Don't do it. They
will then be forced to either contact you or move on.

Your ex shows up at places where you and your friends hang

out, especially if those places are not where they normally hang

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out. If all of a sudden they're there, what are they doing there?
This is a pretty obvious one, even though it may not seem that
way at the moment you see them. You may think it's just a
coincidence. Nope. If they're showing up and especially if they
look good, then they probably had it all preplanned. Maybe
they even followed you there.

Your ex is contacting family or friends. This happened with a

client of mine. After responding to her texts for several months,
he finally started to do no contact and she didn't know what to
do. She first had her friends call him and then she called his
mother. After a couple of months of this, he had a hunch one
day that he should reach out to her. She responded within
minutes and they are now back together. So if your ex, starts
contacting your family and friends, then you know that
something is up.

Your ex actually contacts you. Don't be surprised. You're

stronger than they thought you would be and they can't believe
that you're actually not chasing after them. You're not
contacting them, and that's why a lot of times they will just say,
“Hey” or “What's going on?” When you respond, you don't

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hear from them again. That means they either had a moment
of weakness where they missed you or they were just checking
to see if you were going to respond, which meant that no
contact was working. That's why unless your ex’s first message
to you is something of substance, you don't need to respond. I
once had an ex reach out for about a month and a half and I
was not responding until he started to get real in his messages
and not act as if nothing had happened. So don't be surprised
if your ex reaches out. It means that no contact is working.
However, whether you respond or not really depends on what
they say to you when they reach out.

The last sign isn't about your ex, it's about you. You’re starting
to feel much better. Remember, no contact isn't just about
getting your ex back. It's about you feeling better. It's about
pulling away from the situation because when you're in it, you
can't really think straight. Your prefrontal cortex has been
hijacked by your more primitive brain, which does not think
logically. Mother Nature just wants you to have sex and keep
the human race going. That's all it cares about. It doesn't care
if the person is bad for you. That's why when you are out of the

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relationship, and you've done no contact, when you look back
and say, “Oh my God, what was I thinking?” The fact is, you
weren't thinking, that's why you often need someone objective,
(your friends, family, or a dating coach) to tell you what's going
on. When you're in it, you can't think straight. By doing no
contact, you start to be able to see things more clearly and you
may actually realize that you don't want to get back with your
ex after all.

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 NO CONTACT HAS A 100%
SUCCESS RATE

Y ou’re probably wondering what the success rate is with no

contact and I’m happy to report that there is actually a 100
percent success rate with no contact.

Now you may think, “Oh, that means that if I do no contact,

there's a 100 percent chance my ex will contact me!” No, that's
not what I mean. You wish that's what I meant, but no.

Here’s a comment from my YouTube channel which explains

what I meant: No contact has a 100 percent success rate. There
are only two outcomes. One, they reach out and apologize and
say they want to get back with you. Then you can start off fresh
with the balance of power in your favor. Or two, you never get
back in touch, which means you lost someone who didn't care
to keep you in their life. Basically you dropped dead weight

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while you continued to live your life, move forward emotionally
and improve yourself.

She is 100 percent right. I know that 100 percent success to

most people doing no contact is going to look like they're ex
reaches out and contacts them and they get back together, but
that's not always the best case scenario.

Sometime it's actually better that you don't get back together.
The relationship was not going well and you did not get along.
There was a lot of fighting, mistrust, etc. The only reason you
want them back is because you miss the good times and are
forgetting the bad times.

You miss having someone in your life; you were used to having
someone there and now they're gone. So you're looking to fill
the void and it's easier to fill the void with someone who was
already there. When you're emotional about the breakup (and
who isn’t), you don't always stop to think, “Should we even be
getting back together? Was I really happy in this relationship?
Or was I just settling?”

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If your partner thinks that there's someone else out there who’s
better for them, that means there's someone else out there
who’s better for you. You don't want someone who can break
up with you and move on. You want to be with the person
who's going to do everything they can to keep the relationship
together, to stay together, to work things through.

If your ex doesn't get in touch, it's not the end of the world. It
may actually be a good thing that they don't get in touch and
that you don't get back together. I know that right now it
doesn't feel that way, but looking back, you're going to see that
it was actually a good thing that you didn’t get back together.

Why do I say that?

Well, think of people that you've dated in the past who broke
up with you and you wanted them back. Now that some time
has passed, you’re probably glad the break up happened, but
obviously you didn't feel like that at the time.

Going back to the original statement I made at the beginning

of this chapter: There is a 100 percent success rate with no
contact. Your ex is either going to contact you and you'll get

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back together; or your ex may contact you and text and chat for
a while and you don't get back together; or you don't hear from
your ex and you move on and find someone better. The goal
should be to be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone
who wants to be with you and who wouldn't dream of breaking
up with you. Sometimes that's your ex and sometimes it's
someone else.

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 THE 60 DAY NO CONTACT
RULE IS WORKING

H ere’s an email from a woman who is having success with

the 60 day no contact rule.

“My ex boyfriend and I broke up seven months ago in March and

it wasn't a clean breakup. We'd been together for two years and at
34 years old I was pushing him for commitment. I told him if he
didn't think he was ready to marry me, then we should break up,
a sort of fake breakup as you call it.”

Trying to manipulate someone into marrying you is rarely a

good idea. You're basically saying, that since they don't agree
with you, you’re going to threaten the relationship. Now is that
the kind of partner that YOU would want? Probably not. So
what makes you think that your partner would want that from

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YOU? You're supposed to be a team. You’re supposed to have
each other's back. You’re supposed to be on each other's side.
You can't wander off just because they’re not on your schedule.
What's the incentive for the person to want to marry you? If
they see that that’s your attitude, they may think, “Fine go,
because that's not the type person I want to marry.”

Just because you’re ready, it doesn't mean he's ready. Have you
sat down and discussed why he may not be ready at this time?
You may be taking it personally thinking that he doesn’t love
you. There are a lot of reasons why a guy may not be ready to
get married. It doesn't always have something to do with you.

She continues, “In hearing your videos, I realized this was a stupid
thing to do, but I needed more from him and didn't know how to
communicate that in a more healthy way at the time. In the
following weeks, I definitely did the begging and pleading thing
and lots of ugly crying. We spent the spring hashing things out,
fighting and feeling undecided.”

This is all so, so, so unnecessary - all this fighting, trying to hash
things out, crying, begging, ugly crying. There's an easier way.
There's always an easier way and it's called the “reverse

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ultimatum”. I discuss that with my coaching clients who are in
a position where they want to get engaged. If you want more
information on that, you can always contact me and we can do
a coaching session.

“His birthday was Memorial weekend and he invited me to this

party with family and friends there. Everyone hoped it meant we
were back together. At this point I realized he was so confused and
unsure of what he wanted in his life.”

No, he wasn't confused and unsure. He knew that, from the

way you were acting at this point, he did not want you. That's
the truth. People always say, “Oh, he's confused. She's confused.”
Rarely are they confused. They know what they want. It's just
not what you want, so you call it confusion, because they’re
being ambiguous. You have to read between the lines.

She continues, “I started focusing on myself, spending more time

with my friends and even got my toes wet with dating again. I
moved most of my things out of his house and only went by there
for my dog's sake and to play with the chickens when he was at
work. I found your videos especially helpful. After several failed
attempts at no contact over the summer, mostly due to our habits,

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interdependent lifestyles, confusion and decisiveness. I was finally
able to successfully engage in no contact beginning August 10.”

“About a week ago on day 44 of no contact, I went by to see the

chickens when I knew he'd be at work. Two days later I dropped
off more egg cartons. So that leads me to his text. Just as you said,
it was so bland and basic, on day 53 of no contact. He wrote, “I
noticed you came by the house a couple of times.” My heart was
pounding for something so stupid. Now I know I shouldn't respond
because this is just breadcrumbing”.

Wrong. This is not breadcrumbing. One text does not

breadcrumbing make.

She asks, “What should I do?”

If you don't respond to this text, it's going to look like you're
hiding something, like you were up to something when you
went by the house, so you have to respond. Otherwise he's
going to think something's going on or that you're playing
games.

At this point, we don’t know why he reached out. Maybe he

was just checking to see why you came by. Maybe he misses

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you. Maybe he feels guilty. Maybe he wants to get back
together. We don't know. So you're just going to respond back
with a simple answer like, “Yes, I wanted to see the chickens and
I dropped off some egg cartons”.

The ball is in his court. If he wants to get together, he will say

something. He will do something. You don't have to try to push
it. You just respond to him. Get back to doing what you were
doing, which was carrying on with your life and doing no
contact. If he wants you, he will let you know. You don't have
to do anything.

As you can see, even though she did mess up in the beginning
and it took a while for her to finally do full no contact, it did
work out in the sense that he did contact her, he did reach out.
We'll see what happens.

She heard from him on day 53 of no contact. The 60-day no

contact rule comes through again.

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I GOT MY EX GIRLFRIEND BACK USING
THE NO CONTACT RULE

I often see comments underneath my videos saying, “You can't

get women back using no contact” or “How come you never give
us stories of guys who got their ex back using no contact?” Well,
here are 2 testimonials of guys who got their exes back with the
no contact rule.

Testimonial #1

After dating for two years, we had an argument that was not
resolved. Basically, I stopped talking to her for a week. One week
after the argument, she proceeded to start online dating and went
out with the first person to make contact. They dated for the next
two weeks. It was at that time I finally got back in contact with

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her to talk over our disagreement from three weeks prior. That was
when I found out she was seeing someone else. Ouch.

I asked her to come back to me. She did and that night she came to
my house. We basically spent the next week back together.
Everything was back to normal or it seemed to be. She left on
Monday morning, October 1st for work and we spoke during the
day. Everything was as normal. That night she called to tell me
that she was no longer going to continue seeing me and she was
going back to dating the new guy. She flipped 180 degrees during
the day, sounded like a robot and was not changing her mind
regardless of what I said.

That's right. You can't talk someone out of breaking up with

you.

The following week, I went into 100% no contact: no phone calls,

texts, social media, nothing. I worked on personal development
goals long and short term, went back into working out and lost a
total of 48 pounds in 12 weeks.

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Why is it that everyone starts losing weight after the breakup? I
guess if there's one good thing to come out of a breakup, it's
that if you want to lose weight, that's a great time to lose weight.

What I didn't work on was developing a response plan in case she

reached out.

That's right. You can't just work on the physical. You have to
also work on what your plan of action is going to be if you hear
from your ex.

I wanted to respond from a position of strength. However, I was

not prepared. So, three and a half months later, day 65 of no
contact, I came into work and logged into my computer to find her
email and I was stunned. She reached out after 65 days of no
contact. She always texted everything, never emailed my work
email. To see her email at my work address says something about
the effort she took to make sure I got the message. She knows her
social media and phone numbers are blocked.

Good! See, that's when I mean when I say that if your ex reaches
out, they have to show an effort. They can't just say, hey, or how
are you or what's up. They have to put in an effort.

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He continues: She wrote, - Hi. I'm just wondering how you've
been, I think of you often and think of the good times we've had
together. I'm sorry if I'm intruding. I hope you're well.

This is a great email to receive from an ex because your ex needs

to sound humble and she sounds humble.

He continues: Of course I overreacted and emailed her that I

would love to meet up, when was she available. Her response later
that day was, - It's great to hear back from you. I apologize, I
couldn't respond sooner. I was genuinely wondering how you've
been, I'm not able to get together with you at this time, but would
like very much to keep in touch. I'd like to send you some
correspondence through the postal mail. I hope that would be okay.
Wishing you the very best.

As you can see, you can't just immediately ask your ex to get
together. I mean you can, but you will probably get shot down
like this guy did. You want to feel out the situation and find
out what is going on.

It was at this time she was in the process of breaking up from the
rebound guy. He ended up being super jealous/needy/paranoid. She

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later told me she was elated that I want to see her, but also panicked
because she wasn't sure how to approach the situation with me. I
went into no contact again because she did not email me again. I
actually thought she was bread crumbing me.

At the beginning of the new year, she texted me with her new phone
number and asked if I would like to reconnect again. She was single
and made it very clear she wanted to get together to talk.

Bingo. If someone wants to see you again, if they want to

reconnect, they will make it known. So you have to wait for
that. When I say something substantial, that's what I mean.

After four months of being apart, my personal development and

action plan has really paid off. We're back together. So here is what
she told me was going through her mind during no contact:

She was thinking the rebound relationship was bad and it was a
mistake.

If your ex is dating someone, don't assume that they're all

happy and everything's going wonderful.

She never forgot about me.

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She was always thinking about getting back together. She was
concerned that I was in a new relationship.

If they don't hear from you because of no contact, they’re going

to wonder if you're in a new relationship.

She wanted to contact me during the holidays but was afraid of

rejection and she was concerned that I would not take her back.

People will do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. So even

though your ex may want to get back with you, they may be
afraid of rejection, which I know is crazy because they rejected
you and now they're afraid of getting rejected.

That’s why I say that if you don't hear from your ex after an
extended period of no contact and you're at the point where if
you contact them and you're rejected, you can handle that, then
feel free to reach out. They may not be reaching out to you even
though they want to get back together.

Testimonial #2

My girlfriend and I got back together after four months. I think we

might be getting engaged soon. We broke up on June 2nd. No

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contact for four months. She called twice on day 59 and again on
day 60 but didn’t leave a message.

He didn't answer because he'd been listening to me. If they

don't leave a message, you don't call back. Why? Because if
they're interested, they're going to leave a message and if they
don't, then they're not that interested. They may just be doing
some fishing to see what's going on with you, to see if you're
still interested. If they're really interested in getting back with
you and they don't leave a message, they're not going to think,
“Oh well, he didn't return my call, so I'll just move on.”

If they don't leave a message and you don't call them back,
they're going to try again. So don't respond because you don't
know why they're calling. And they need to leave a humble
message, not a message with attitude. If someone truly wants to
get back together with you, they will do what they have to.

Continuing on: She called me again on October 2nd, exactly four

months after the breakup.

At this point I talked to him and found out that when she called
him the first time on days 59 and 60, and he didn't answer, and

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she didn't leave a message, she then went on to date to someone
else briefly. So, she wasn't calling to get back together, if she
was then able to just move on and date someone else.

You may be thinking, “She dated someone else because he didn't

answer the phone.” Stop it! That's not why she dated someone
else. The thought pattern isn’t, “Oh, he didn't answer the
phone so I'm going to date someone else.” That's not how it
works. She wasn't ready to get back at that time, which is a
good reason why he shouldn't have answered the phone.

Now, he had blocked her on everything and the way they got
back together was that she sent him a snapchat request, because
he forgot to block her on snapchat. So, he sent back a question
mark, like, you know… what the hell, like what do you want?
After sending the snapchat requests, they started talking and
now they're back together.

I did ask him about the engagement, because I thought, “ Well

that was fast… You just got back together. Now you're thinking
about getting engaged?” I told him to just slow it down. No need
to rush. Just because you got back together doesn't mean you
have to get engaged. Just slow it down because if she was able

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to leave before, then how do you know that she's not going to
do it again? In fact, he did say that he didn't trust her. You
shouldn't be getting engaged with someone that you don't
trust. I managed to talk him out of getting engaged anytime
soon. I told him to wait and see if she really does want to be
with him, through her actions, not through her words.

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I GOT MY EX BOYFRIEND BACK USING
NO CONTACT

I have the story of a girl who got her ex to want her back after
about three months of No Contact. She's a former coaching
client of mine and I have her permission to tell the story and to
read her emails.

Her first email to me began with: My ex broke up with me the

day after Christmas last year because of my insecurities and jealousy
towards him with other women. He never cheated on me and cut
off all contact with exes when he was with me. I was just paranoid
and insecure. I never dealt with being cheated on in the past and I
was very needy. He tried to make me feel better when we were
together but ultimately it wasn't his responsibility and we couldn't
stop fighting. So, he ended it.

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Please don't make this mistake if someone cheated on you in
the past. Don't make your future partners have to pay the price
for it because you're so afraid of someone else taking your
partner away. The person you should actually be afraid of is the
person looking at you in the mirror and that would be you.
Your biggest enemy is actually yourself in this situation. In fact,
he ended up breaking up with her.

She continues: Months went by. He got a new girlfriend around

March, someone he used to date. I went to Europe, worked on
myself mentally, physically, and spiritually, saw therapists to resolve
issues and really focused on myself.

Good for you. She did all the things that I recommend. You'll
see that it really helped her as things progressed.

He finally reached out before my birthday in mid May and wanted

to take me out to dinner for my birthday. After we talked, I had an
uneasy feeling about meeting up with him because I wasn't sure if
he wanted to meet up as friends or if he finally came to his senses
and realized he wanted to give us another try. So, I called him and
asked what his intentions were. I didn't want to waste my time
meeting him if he wasn't on the same page as me. I asked him if he

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had feelings. He said he does but he doesn't want to get back
together anytime soon, that he wanted to spend time being selfish.

As you can see, just because your ex contacts you and just
because they want to hang out with you, or take you out for
your birthday, it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to get
back together. So good for her for clarifying that.

I also asked how he could move forward seeing someone else, even
if he still loves me. He told me he didn't have an answer for me.

Actually he did have an answer, but he knew the answer was

not going to be helpful. He knew she wasn’t going to be happy
with the answer and that's why he said he didn't have an
answer. He was being diplomatic.

He told me he was terrified of losing me from his life because I made

such a huge impact on it in the past three years and wanted to
continue hearing from me even if it's only once a week.

Again, just because your ex contacts you, doesn't mean they

want to get back together. If you had a good relationship, apart
from the issues that you had, they may just want you to still be
a part of their life, but doing that is not going to get them back.

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I told him I didn't think meeting up was a good idea, because he
seems confused about what he wants and I'm not offering him
friendship. Either we move forward or we don't move at all. He
told me he had a birthday present to give me and I told him I
appreciated the gesture, but he should give it to the new girl he's
dating or return it. I made it clear I'm not competing with another
woman and I'm not offering friendship.

Perfect!!! It was at this point that she contacted me for coaching.

She wanted to know what to do going forward and of course I
told her to do no contact, and yes, she was afraid to do it.

She wanted to reach out to him for his birthday and I said no.
She was afraid that he was not going to want to deal with her
anymore if she didn't contact him for his birthday. I said,
“Don't worry about it. Just stay in no contact.”

They were going to be working together for a few months, so

this is where the story now continues: I went to the building
where he and I were going to be working together for orientation
and ran into him. He was avoiding eye contact with me and not
saying a word to me.

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Remember they haven’t been in contact since they had the
conversation about the fact that if they weren't going to get
back together then she didn't want to meet him for her
birthday.

I just went about my business, looked and felt great. I also have not
looked at any of his social media accounts since I unfollowed him
when he was posting photos of him and the new girl at places where
we used to go.

One night after work, I grabbed the stuff in my locker and told him
to have a good night. He said, “You too.” At the parking garage, he
said, “Got plans tonight?”. I said, “Gym, why?” He smiled at me
as I was getting into my car and he asked, “Can gym wait?” I said,
“Well what do you have in mind?” He said, “Are you hungry?” I
said, “I just ate a banana.” He said, “Can I take you for a drink?”
I said, “Okay.” He ended up taking me to a high-end restaurant
and spent $200 on dinner.

During the dinner I merely listened. He told me the following: He

regrets how he behaved after the breakup. He started crying at the
dinner table when we talked about how he treated me. He wishes
we never broke up and he's still in love with me and he never

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stopped loving me. He said he tried to find happiness elsewhere, but
he keeps thinking of me, even with the new person.

So, for those of you who are in no contact and your ex is dating
someone else, it doesn't mean they're happy. It doesn't mean
they’ve moved on emotionally, so don't worry. Keep the faith.

He said everything reminds him of me and he looked at an old

album of ours three weeks ago and broke down. He told me he
misses being late to places because I'm still getting ready. He
brought up a lot of my mannerisms that he said he misses. He said
he was trying to suppress his feelings towards me, but he couldn't.

Exactly! When you do no contact, your exes interest level goes

up after the breakup because you're ignoring them. You're also
showing high value by saying, “No, I'm not going to meet you
just as a friend.”

I asked him what he was trying to gain from this conversation and
if he wanted us to get back together and he said yes, but he's stressed.
He wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he understood it
was over. As he walked me to my car, I asked if things were over
between him and that girl, and he said no, and I said, - Ah, that

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explains it. Then he asked me if that negates everything he told me
over dinner and I said unbothered - it doesn't matter.

I had told her to just be chill. That’s why she's behaving this
way. I said: Don't do anything. Just be high value, be happy
and friendly and don't show your concern.

Then he said, “I'm ending things with her.” I said, “I hope it's not
because of me.” And he said,” I have to end things with her because
of how I feel for you.” I didn't hug him and got into my car. He
seemed to pull away in the week following the dinner, not talking
so much or making eye contact.

She wanted to know if she should reach out, invite him to

lunch, etc. As you can see, he was pulling away and she had the
urge to move forward, which is the natural urge that comes up
when someone you're interested in pulls away. But that's the
wrong move in this situation. You do not move forward. You
stand still. So I said, “No, do not do anything. Continue doing
what you were doing before you went to dinner. She wrote
back, Okay, Lucia you win. I'll listen and continue to do nothing.

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No, I don't win, you win, when you do nothing. When you're
trying to get your ex back and you let them come to you, you
win.

Okay, so he eventually asked her out again. We talked about

what happened between us and mistakes that were made on both
ends. He started getting sad for walking out on me. This was part
of the reason I was behaving so needy. Before when he pulled away
and needed space, my instincts were to try harder. Big mistake. I
told him that it was the best thing he ever did for me because I'm
a better woman because of what happened.

He told me he hasn't been happy in months and he truly missed

me. He said I was the most influential person in his life and he was
devastated that I took him off social media and he immediately
noticed when I did it.

Soon afterwards, he broke up with the other girl. As you can

see everything happens in stages. People think that in getting
an ex back, you just have a conversation and then you’re back
together. No, it happens in stages. You have to be patient.

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During this process, she was emailing me and freaking out
saying, “I just want him to ask me out again, I just want him to
break up with the other girl”. My answer was always the same:
Be patient, be calm, don't do anything.

The next time they hung out, he asked if there was a chance
that they would get back together. She said she didn't know the
answer to that right now, and he said he would patiently wait
and would work to regain her trust.

She continues: My ex was wining and dining me for a month

straight and one Friday evening after dinner we got a little touchy
feely. I didn't hear from him after that, which made me suspicious
about his true intentions for wanting me back. I didn't panic. I let
him come to me. When he asked me to lunch again, he revealed
that he didn't contact me because he didn't want me to think we
were back together just because we cozied up.

Wow. So first he's crying about wanting to get back together

and now when they get a little touchy feely, his attitude is -
Whoa, wait a minute. It doesn't mean we're about together!
That's why you can't rush the process of getting an ex back.

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That made me suspicious because he had claimed that he wanted
me back so badly. He admitted he was in contact with two other
women that he was previously involved with. He told me that he
ran into an ex-girlfriend who broke his heart badly before me (he
told me he had blocked her by the way) at a bar and started
drunkenly badgering her. My thought process was, well, why
badger her if you're over her? He told me she had recently texted
him and that's when I knew he unblocked her and most likely was
in contact with her.

He was also talking to another girl he used to sleep with who he

knows is still obsessed with him. In fact, he called her, “The
desperate one”. I opened my eyes at lunch that day and realized he
was still the same insecure man who needs validation from several
women to feel complete. I refuse to be another woman who plays
games with him.

At that point, I didn't think he was sincere enough about getting

me back. I calmly, told him I felt like he needs attention from
multiple women and I wasn't interested in that, so I thought we
should just be friends. His jaw dropped and he told me he wasn't

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expecting to hear that from me. He still looks at me with a lot of
admiration and I can tell he still cares and still loves me.

I have feelings for him, but I don't think he'd be a good partner
long term. Not right now, anyways. I finally stopped looking at his
words and actions and started looking at his patterns. They were
the same patterns that partially led to our breakup before. I've
evolved from being a needy, clingy girl to a high value woman, but
I don't think he has changed one bit.

Woohoo. You go, girl!

I appreciate everything you helped me with. Everything you told me

to do worked. Your counsel was worth every penny. I've just decided
I can't spend any more time on a man who's not worth the
investment.

Amen, sister. Amen.

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 NO CONTACT SUCCESS STORIES

I know that success stories are really helpful. When you're

doing no contact, it's nice to hear of other people who’ve had
success doing it. It gives you hope because when someone
breaks up with you, you feel powerless. By having hope, by
seeing that other people who did no contact, did hear from their
ex, you feel less powerless and more hopeful.

By the way, I define success in no contact as hearing from your

ex because you can't get back together until you hear from your
ex. So just because your ex does reach out, it doesn't mean you're
going to get back together, but you can't get back together until
your ex reaches out. Unless of course you want to break no
contact, which, as you know, you shouldn't do.

Here we go!

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“My ex messaged me yesterday out of the blue and said he wants to
finally get serious about telling his family. Oh my God, Lucia,
you’re right and your law of attraction thing worked. I kept no
contact but I said I don't want to talk until the proposal is
confirmed.”

“I stuck to 60 days, well, a little more than the 60 days, but I had
stopped counting because I simply was not going to contact him. He
skipped the phone call and came to see me at my workplace. It
worked. The 60 day no contact worked. The truth is I have more
important things going on though. So it was cool seeing him for a
brief moment, but now I realize it's not a big deal if we don't talk
because clearly I did not die. Plus I have all these amazing things
have been happening in my life over these couple of months from
my hard work paying off.”

“Lucia, I have good news. I followed your advice of not doing

anything to get them back and guess what? He reached out. This is
the second time now. Not with a “Hi” but with the “I miss you so
much.” text. Well I was not shocked neither was I worried of losing
him because I'm better now and focus on my cute self and I'm
loving it all, thanks to you.”

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Wow. Now isn't that what we are all waiting for? When
someone breaks up with us, we want them to apologize and to
be sorry for what they did.

“Day 59. Jesus Christ, it actually worked. Lucia was right on. She
just called and I didn't answer. I'm over it. I don't want her in my
life anymore and I'm fine with that. I had serious doubts about
Lucia’s advice and the first 30 days were really tough.”

I'm sure most people have doubts, especially when I tell them
it's not going to be 30 days. More likely than not, it's going to
be 45 to 60 days and you'll have to have faith. There's really no
way of knowing until you actually put in the time and see if
your ex reaches out.)

“I applied no contact for about a week and a half and then suddenly
she calls me begging me and telling me she loves me.”

Again, that's what we want. Begging, apologizing, crying on

their part, not our part of course.

“So I did the no contact thing and it's only been two days and my
ex just sent me a message saying, “So you're not talking to me now.”

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Sometimes it doesn't take that long for them to contact you.
This is probably a fake breakup.

“My ex reached out after 49 days the first time she dumped me and
50 days the second time.”

Does that mean that it's going to be 51 days the third time?
Listen, don't go for a third time. If someone breaks up with you
twice, there's a fundamental flaw, so you either have to fix it or
move on. How can you have a relationship if you're constantly
wondering whether they're going to break up with you again?

“My ex broke up with me and I went no contact. He contacted me

after about 15 days. I responded with short and kind messages. The
next day I got a 17 minute audio from him saying nothing but
loving things and an explanation of why he left.”

Wow. A 17 minute audio. That's a long audio, so I don't know

if they got back together, but at least he contacted her.

“I got my ex back. Yay. Went no contact and the wait was worth
it. She broke it off with a controlling millionaire to be with me.”

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This guy sent me a photo of them together. They look like a
nice couple. See you never know, so don't worry if there was
someone else, don't worry if they're with a millionaire.
Anything is possible.

“My ex contacted me after 28 days by telling me that his island is

suffering a horrible hurricane. Disasters bring people together.”

Yes they do, but hopefully you don't need a disaster in order to
hear from your ex.

“My ex contacted me on day 45 on no contact and wanted to know

how I was doing.”

“My ex is young and doesn't want to prioritize the relationship. I

then followed your rule of no contact until six weeks later he came
back.”

As you can see, for most people, it's a lot longer than 30 days.
The 30 day no contact rule is a total lie. This was six weeks.
The one before was 45 days. And the one before was 49 and 50
days.

“When my ex broke up with me, I did two and a half months of

no contact. She messaged me and said, I went crazy without you.”

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That's a perfect message to get from an ex!

“Within 30 days of no contact. I actually met another woman. My

ex found out and was begging me to take her back, however, I ended
up staying with the other woman and I'm still with her.”

This is what happens. This is what someone risks when they

break up with you - you're now free to find someone else.
That's another good reason to go no contact. You might find
someone better - someone who would never dream of breaking
up with you.

“After two weeks of no contact, my ex is now sending me smiley

faces and thumbs up signs”

That's nice, but that's not really contact on their part, so don't
respond. If they want to talk to you, they need to actually say
something. They're just trying to get you to contact them. So
don't fall for that trick.

“My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. Three days ago,
he accidentally sent a text message and then a ‘Whoops’. Then he
called and let it ring once. The previous day I had blocked him on
WhatsApp. I've been no contact and I think he's trying to reach

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out, but I didn't respond because supposedly it was an accidental
text.”

That's an old trick that someone might use. They pretend that
they didn't mean to reach out to you, thinking that you're
going to answer back. Don't fall for it. If someone broke up
with you, they need to make the effort to get back with you.
Don't fall for these fishing trips where they put a hook out there
to see if you're going to bite. Don't be a little fish. Be a shark!

“We're back together! His daughter texted me and said that he was
sick and not feeling well. She thinks he was suffering from a broken
heart. Anyway, we talked and we're back together. No contact
works. It didn't take long either.”

She didn't say how long, but there you go - another success
story.

“My girlfriend of three years broke up with me over text and it's
been a week. Now she's sending me snapchats and liking my
tweets.”

She didn't contact him directly, but at least she’s sending

snapchats – it’s better than nothing.

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“My ex's birthday was last week and she was very upset I didn't
reach out to wish her a “Happy birthday”. She even contacted me
to tell me this.”

First she broke up with him and then she got upset because he
didn't contact her for her birthday. She must think he’s a
doormat.

He continues, “I'm confused why she'd be so upset after she ended

things and she pushed me away. Why would she even bother to
contact me to tell me how upset she is?”

It’s possible she did a fake breakup and she figured that you
would contact her on her birthday and then you would start
talking and get back together, but you didn't. Obviously she
still has feelings for you, because if someone doesn't care,
they're not going to contact you and get angry because you
didn't wish them a happy birthday when they were the one who
broke it off.

“I made the mistake of begging and pleading, so I went no contact.

He showed up at my house a week later. I talked to him nicely a
few times and then he stopped talking to me, so I went no contact
again. This time it lasted 16 days before he showed up on my

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doorstep again. He told me that I'm the only one who has given
him as much love as I have. We talked for a couple of days again
and now he's back to reading my messages but not responding.”

So that means she is sending messages, she’s initiating contact.

That's a no-no. When someone breaks up with you, even if they
reach out and you get back in contact, you have to let them do
all the calling, texting and reaching out. Just because they
contacted you one or two times, it doesn't mean that it's now
safe to reach out. You have to wait at least a month. They have
to be reaching out to you and contacting you, etc. for at least a
month because you want to make sure that they're going to
stick around. You want to know that they’re not contacting you
just because they feel lonely and they want to make sure that
you're still there for them.

Otherwise, once you've appeased their anxiety, they're going to

go off again. Do not initiate texts or calls with an ex who has
recently reached out to you. If they're really interested in
getting back with you, they will do what they can to make sure
they're back with you. In this case, she needs to go back to no
contact and not initiate anything.

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“After months and years of begging and pleading to pay attention
to me, forgiving lies and cheating, I got so fed up, I moved out
abruptly and started no contact. I got the, “So we're not talking?”
text two days later. Then he followed with, “I love you.” along with,
“Where do we stand?” He used to not return my calls or texts. Right
now, he answers within seconds. Too late, buddy, I'm done. I miss
him, but he must change.”

That’s the power of no contact. Suddenly he sees that she’s not

going to put up with his bad behavior and he turns around and
does a 180. He's already changing. He’s responding right away.
He's changing because you changed. You went from being a low
value woman who was begging and pleading and forgiving lies
and cheating to saying, “That's it.” You drew a line in the sand.
You put up a boundary. Now if he wants you back, he's going
to have to change. Otherwise, it's over. Good for you.

“My husband and I had been separated and have not been in
contact for two months. The more I wait, the more I start to see
things clearly. He is not the man I want to spend my life with. The
no contact rule isn't just about waiting for your ex to reach out to
you, but also to see things clearly.” (Absolutely. Everyone gets caught
up in thinking, “I'm going to do no contact. I'm going to stay away

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from my ex. I'm not going to call them or show up or text them or
email them and that way they'll contact me”.

They don't realize it's also such a huge benefit to them because
by staying away, the clouds start to part. As time passes, each
day, things get a little clearer and sometimes by the time you
do hear from your ex, you realize that you don't even want to
get back with them. This was a success story because it made
her realize she doesn't want to be with her husband.

“My ex of seven years broke up with me saying she doesn't feel

anything for me, as in zero interest level. I found your channel and
followed your advice. After two months she reached out. When we
met up, she said she was sorry, that she made a big mistake in letting
me go and she wants me back. Woo Hoo.”

If you're thinking about breaking no contact, if you're in pain

over it, hopefully this has helped you. Whenever you're
thinking of contacting your ex, read this chapter and hopefully
it will stop you from making a mistake.

I wish you the best in your no contact journey! Xoxo

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 EPILOGUE

W hile I have done my best to cover as much material as

possible, I’m aware that your situation is unique in
many ways and may contain issues that I have not touched
upon. Because of this, I am available for phone/Skype
consultations whether you require a personalized approach or
just need to speak to someone who understands what you’re
going through. Addressing the points that are specific to your
breakup situation can make your strategy much more effective
and dramatically improve the chances of success.

Having said this, I want to thank you for taking the time to
read this book and I truly hope that I was able to shed some
light on your situation and give you the answers you were

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looking for. I wish you the best of luck with getting your ex
back.

Sign up for coaching at:

http://www.theartoflove.net/coaching

General questions/comments:

http://www.theartoflove.net

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