APPLICATION OF A GRIEF MODEL AND BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY IN

DEALING WITH GRIEVING, LOSS, AND SUFFERING

by

Benedict L. Louie

A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of

the California Institute of Integral Studies

in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of

Doctor of Philosophy in Humanities

with a concentration in

Transformative Learning and Change

California Institute of Integral Studies

San Francisco, CA

2013
 UMI Number: 3557739

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 CERTIFICATE OF APPROVAL

I certify that I have read APPLICATION OF A GRIEF MODEL AND

BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY IN DEALING WITH GRIEVING, LOSS, AND

SUFFERING by Benedict L. Louie, and that in my opinion this work meets the

criteria for approving a dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the

requirements for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Humanities with a

concentration in Transformative Learning and Change at the California Institute

of Integral Studies.

________________________________________________
Carey Clark, Ph.D., Chair
Adjunct Faculty, CIIS Transformative Inquiry

________________________________________________
Adjunct Faculty, Gabrielle Pelicci, Ph.D., Member
Adjunct Faculty, CIIS Transformative Inquiry

________________________________________________
Marilyn Smith-Stoner, Ph.D., External Member
Associate Professor, California State University San Bernardino
© 2013 Benedict L. Louie
Benedict L. Louie
California Institute of Integral Studies, 2013
Carey Clark, Ph.D., Committee Chair

APPLICATION OF A GRIEF MODEL AND BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY IN

DEALING WITH GRIEVING, LOSS, AND SUFFERING

ABSTRACT

This study researches the journey of transformative learning experiences

of adult men and women who have adopted a positive attitude in dealing with

challenging and life-threatening issues. By applying a Western grief model and

the principles of “living the present moment” and “letting go” derived from

Buddhist psychology, this study aims to identify ways to transform mental

suffering and grieving into positive energy that may help to provide comfort to

individuals in despair.

The research paradigm is transpersonal and the method of this study is

narrative analysis. A combination of face-to-face and telephone interviews as well

as email exchanges with eight individuals who shared their personal experiences

in adopting a positive attitude in overcoming difficult situations were employed.

These participants have battled and conquered their unique life-challenging

situations.

The stories of these individuals document their challenges with grief and

include insights learned from these experiences and the ways in which they

transformed these experiences into catalysts for positive energy. Seven themes

became evident and significant in their journey in coping with suffering, and

iv
paved the way for their transformational learning experiences. They are: a)

Reaching acceptance, b) the importance of a support network, c) making

meanings of suffering, d) impermanence, e) letting go of the past, f) living in the

present moment, and g) spirituality. It is hoped that this transformational learning

experience will enable other people from diverse demographic, professional, and

cultural backgrounds to embrace a Western grief model in combination with

Buddhist psychology to better cope with their loss or grieving, and help them to

understand the opportunity for growth these life challenges can present.

Everyone experiences loss and difficult challenges in the course of a

lifetime. How we view and react to them determines the effect they have on the

rest of our lives. This study will contribute to the need for more research in this

area by asking the following question: “How do actions derived from Buddhist

principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing challenges of change?”

v
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my parents:

As a result of your deaths, I learned the lesson that Diogenes so simply expressed:

“Nothing endures but change.”

To my family:

I express my gratitude to all of you for giving me the strength and support to be a

globe trotter.

To Dr. Carey Clark, Dr. Gabrielle Pelicci, and Dr. Marilyn Smith-Stoner:

Thank you for your invaluable feedback and support, and your interest in this

project. It has been my greatest pleasure working with all of you.

To Andrew Willis:

Thank you for your continuous and thoughtful support in the process of writing.

To the participants:

Thank you for sharing your significant stories of life-altering loss and allowing

me to inquire deeper into a rich source of insight and understanding. I have learnt

from each of you how to love and give to this world.

To Fo Guang Shan Monastery and Buddha’s Light International Association:

Thank you for the spiritual guidance and lighting my path especially when I was

lost, confused, and battling with the challenges of change and suffering.

To everyone I have interacted with, CIIS TLC Cohort 19, Action For AIDS

(Singapore), Tan Tock Seng Hospital (Singapore), and Dover Park Hospice

(Singapore), who have touched my heart & soul and have accompanied me on this

life-changing journey.

vi
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Abstract.................................................................................................................. iv

Acknowledgements................................................................................................ vi

List of Tables and Figures ................................................................................... xiii

Chapter One: Introduction to Research .................................................................. 1

East-West Divergence of Mind and Consciousness ........................................... 4

The Inquiry Question and Sub-Questions........................................................... 6

Purpose of the Study ........................................................................................... 7

Researcher’s Personal Relationship to the Topic.............................................. 10

Context: Loss, Death, and Transformation ....................................................... 12

Loss. .............................................................................................................. 12

Death. ............................................................................................................ 13

Transformation.............................................................................................. 18

Definitions......................................................................................................... 20

Researcher’s Assumptions ................................................................................ 21

Significance of the Study .................................................................................. 25

Chapter Two: Literature Review .......................................................................... 29

Death is an opportunity to Grow – Why is Death Education so important?..... 30

What is Grief? ................................................................................................... 32

Loss ................................................................................................................... 33

Comparative Theories of Stages of Grief ......................................................... 34

Facing Death With a Spiritual Perspective ....................................................... 43

A Comparison of Eastern Religious Attitudes Towards Death ........................ 47

vii
 Buddhist Psychology on Loss and Spiritual Transformation ........................... 50

Mindfulness....................................................................................................... 60

Acceptance........................................................................................................ 64

Compassion....................................................................................................... 67

Forgiveness ....................................................................................................... 70

Buddhist Psychotherapies ................................................................................. 72

Relationship Between Buddhist Psychotherapists and Their Clients ............... 78

Mechanisms of Buddhist Psychotherapies........................................................ 79

Conclusion ........................................................................................................ 80

Chapter Three: Methodology................................................................................ 82

Research Philosophy......................................................................................... 82

Narrative Analysis ............................................................................................ 84

Participant Selection ......................................................................................... 86

The Participants ................................................................................................ 89

Ethical Concerns ............................................................................................... 93

Data Collection ................................................................................................. 93

Invitation ........................................................................................................... 93

Interview ........................................................................................................... 94

Follow up Communication ............................................................................. 100

Reflection on the Interview Process ............................................................... 103

Core Narratives ............................................................................................... 106

Thematic Analysis .......................................................................................... 109

Report of the Findings .................................................................................... 112

viii
 Evaluation ....................................................................................................... 115

Evaluation Criteria .......................................................................................... 118

Verification of Data ........................................................................................ 121

Soundness of Research ................................................................................... 122

Chapter Four: Life Stories .................................................................................. 124

Gordon ............................................................................................................ 124

Gordon’s story. ........................................................................................... 125

Charles ............................................................................................................ 139

Charles’s story. ........................................................................................... 139

Eliza ................................................................................................................ 152

Eliza’s story. ............................................................................................... 155

Sophia ............................................................................................................. 168

Sophia’s story.............................................................................................. 170

Linda ............................................................................................................... 179

Linda’s story. .............................................................................................. 181

Jasmine............................................................................................................ 198

Jasmine’s story............................................................................................ 200

Jung ................................................................................................................. 216

Jung’s story. ................................................................................................ 218

Alex................................................................................................................. 230

Alex’s story................................................................................................. 232

Chapter Five: Report of the Findings ................................................................. 249

Theme One: Reaching Acceptance................................................................. 251

ix
 Theories about Acceptance. ........................................................................ 252

The experience of reaching Acceptance. .................................................... 254

Summary. .................................................................................................... 262

Theme Two: The Importance of a Support Network...................................... 263

The context of Support Networks. .............................................................. 264

The experience of a Support Network. ....................................................... 267

Summary. .................................................................................................... 272

Theme Three: Making Meanings of Suffering ............................................... 273

Theories on Making Meanings of Suffering............................................... 273

The experience of seeking meanings. ......................................................... 276

Summary. .................................................................................................... 282

Theme Four: Impermanence ........................................................................... 283

Theories about Impermanence.................................................................... 284

The experience of Impermanence............................................................... 286

Summary. .................................................................................................... 289

Theme Five: Letting Go.................................................................................. 291

The critical role of Letting Go in coping with suffering............................. 292

The experience of Letting Go in coping with suffering.............................. 294

Summary. .................................................................................................... 299

Theme Six: Living in the Present Moment ..................................................... 301

The context of Living in the Present Moment. ........................................... 302

The experience of living in the present moment......................................... 303

Summary. .................................................................................................... 306

x
 Theme Seven: Spirituality............................................................................... 307

The context of Spirituality in coping with suffering................................... 309

The experience of Spirituality in coping with suffering. ............................ 311

Summary. .................................................................................................... 317

Conclusion ...................................................................................................... 318

Chapter Six: Discussion and Conclusion............................................................ 320

Working with Self........................................................................................... 322

Undesirable Outer Conditions......................................................................... 323

Reacting and Responding to Suffering ........................................................... 324

The Suffering of Change................................................................................. 325

The Choice to Ease Suffering ......................................................................... 326

Applying a Grief Model Based on Buddhist Psychology That is Used to

Cope With Suffering ....................................................................................... 328

Participants’ Strategies to Cope With Suffering and Their Implications ....... 333

Integration of Both Buddhist Practices and Western Psychology in Mental

Transformation................................................................................................ 349

Integrating Buddhist Psychology With Western Psychotherapy – The Latest

Developments ................................................................................................. 355

Researcher’s Relationship to the Themes ....................................................... 366

Limitations of the Study.................................................................................. 383

Recommendations for Future Research .......................................................... 385

Conclusion ...................................................................................................... 386

References........................................................................................................... 392

xi
Appendix A: Informed Consent Form ................................................................ 404

Appendix B: Confidentiality Statement.............................................................. 408

Appendix C: Participant's Bill of Rights............................................................. 409

xii
 LIST OF TABLES AND FIGURES

Table 1: Participants’ Experiences of Suffering Reflected in Kübler-Ross’s Grief

Model ..............…………………………………………………………………255

Figure 1: Participants' transformative learning & change experiences in coping

with suffering…………………………………………………………………...321

Figure 2: Every cloud has a silver lining……………………………………….383

xiii
 Chapter One: Introduction to Research

Loss can be difficult to come to terms with because it forces a

confrontation with the reality that, despite significant efforts, it is not possible to

control how or when things that are valued will come to an end. Loss is

something that happens in everyone’s life.

How much is already understood about loss? Where, when, and how is

more learned about dealing with sudden or unexpected loss? Loss is a part of life;

virtually everyone has a significant experience with it such as the loss of health,

employment, social status, wealth, or of a loved one. Once this kind of trauma

happens most people are too distressed, overwhelmed with emotions, and crippled

with grief to think about what to do and how to deal with the situation. Grief is a

personal journey that is unique to each individual. It is never the same for any

two people.

Grief can be experienced with any major change in a person’s relationship

to the world. From a Buddhist perspective, however, change can also be a

valuable tool, “The unknown is the source of all learning” (Smith, 1998, p. 84).

When the process of grief is transformed into an opportunity to learn, the full

impact of life is felt because of the openness to changes that allows new

knowledge to affect the griever’s consciousness. There is no distance from the

object; the total experience is absorbed like a sponge, without judging, evaluating,

or comparing it to a previous one.

Changing the way challenges are dealt with requires a different approach

to how they are viewed. The value of the intense pain of grief is determined by

1
what is done with it. Grief tends to have a life and process of its own. If it is

allowed to come into full contact with thoughts and feelings, and pain and grief

are accepted as necessary consequences and are re-focused towards an

opportunity for personal growth, its sharp edges can be softened even if all of the

distress cannot be removed.

Buddhism and psychotherapy have shared a common objective: to

alleviate suffering. The two approaches use a similar strategy to work to change

the perspective of how the world is viewed and how challenges in life are dealt

with. Furthermore, both Buddhism and psychotherapy emphasize the importance

of people taking an active role and taking charge of one’s life. Training or

transforming the mind is fundamental to Buddhist teachings. Cultivating an

attitude of compassion and developing wisdom are internalized techniques that

transform the mind. The Dalai Lama XIV (1997b) expressed a core Buddhist

belief concerning the gradual nature of these processes:

The more we cultivate a mind wishing to benefit other sentient beings, the
greater will be the peace and happiness within ourselves. If we have inner
peace ourselves, we will be able to contribute to the peace and happiness
of others. Maintaining a positive attitude gives us the opportunity to
remain relaxed, to become courageous, and to keep our spirits up. (p. 17)

Buddhism emphasizes the importance of mind-training and valuing the present

moment through the practices of mindfulness, compassion, and acceptance.

In Buddhism, loss, suffering, and grief are acknowledged as a part of life.

In Buddha’s teachings the inevitability of death is the foundation of

enlightenment; the ideal of perfection and a comfortable life are illusions in our

mind. Once these illusions are broken, suffering will naturally emerge. Suffering

2
is deeply rooted in desires and in not getting the things that are wanted. In

Buddhism, this is known as “The Second Noble Truth: The origin of suffering”

(Ericker, 1995, p. 37).

Similarly, the fear of loss comes from parting with what is familiar and the

idea of missing out on what may lie ahead. Most people have a tendency to focus

on the future or the past and neglect awareness of the present moment: really

living it, enjoying it, and relishing it, “Life is available only in the present

moment.” (Nhat Hanh, 2002, p. 100) Being aware of imperfections, uncertainties,

and impermanence is the way to fully value life. Things should not be put off;

dreams, love, or friendship should not be postponed; rather, an appreciation for

what is in the present should be nourished. This awareness will allow a better

understanding of feelings and thoughts.

Bringing ourselves into the present moment can help us to loosen fear’s
stranglehold. In all spiritual practice the strategy is the same: to identify
the thing that frightens you and come as close to it as you can before you
freak out. (Ram Dass, 2000, p. 53)

Awareness will also allow the acceptance of the pain of grief so that these

difficult feelings are not denied or ignored.

When we finally come to accept that suffering, impermanence, and death

are facts of life, we are freed from our realistic expectations, our grasping,
and our subsequent disappointments and grief. It may not seem logical at
first glance, but contemplating impermanence and death is thereby life
affirming. (Longaker, 1997, p. 53)

Being able to accept rather than deny provides an opportunity to work through

suffering and grieving and find ways to lessen unpleasant experiences.

In Buddhist psychology, this is called a moment of awareness or

mindfulness. Mindfulness is an act of being aware of the present moment (Nhat

3
Hanh, 2002, p. 97). When applying mindfulness to grieving, it can be

experienced as a meaningful and purposeful personal journey. The distress of

grief can be intensified into a positive energy, transforming it into a well-lived

experience, and the loss of close ones can be embraced with love. “Only by

learning how to grieve can we hope to leave the past behind and come into the

present moment” (Ram Dass, 2000, p. 125).

Grieving mindfully transforms grief into a learning opportunity for

personal growth by adding meaning to our lives. When it is impossible to add

days to life, try to add life to days. In this research study, common themes will be

identified that are interwoven through the profound stories of the research

participants and their transformative learning journeys. This knowledge can help

others to adopt a positive mindset as an aid to overcoming their own challenges.

East-West Divergence of Mind and Consciousness

In Buddhism, the “mind” is a rich inner landscape filled with demons and

heavenly helpers; it has been referred to as phantasmagorical. Our mind also

reflects on meanings. The Buddha described how the mind is, “flighty and

elusive, moving wherever it pleases. The mind is also restless and cunning,

difficult to calm, and difficult to guard” (Lama Surya Das, 2003, pp. 130-131).

Taming the mind means to discipline it to direct our thought, to concentrate, and

to pay attention to life. This practice of disciplining the mind brings conscious

awareness of what we are experiencing. It further enhances our mental

development to see things as they really are, not just how we would like them to

be.

4
 The Dalai Lama XIV (The Dalai Lama XIV & Cutler, 1998) suggested

that when we refer to “mind” or “consciousness” there are many varieties: useful,

harmful, and neutral. We can cultivate and nourish our mind to increase positive

emotions. He further suggests that “learning” is a mechanism of reducing the

harmful aspects for negative emotions within our mind. Through the process of

learning, we can analyze which thoughts and emotions are beneficial and which

are harmful. We can then gradually develop a firm determination to change the

ways we think in seeking happiness: “Now the secret to my own happiness, my

own good future, is within my own hands, I must not miss that opportunity!” (p.

38).

In Western terminologies, “consciousness” is defined as “common

consciousness” and “ordinary consciousness” (Bohm, 1998, pp. 106-118).

Common consciousness perceives all meanings together without making any

decisions or differentiating whether they are right or wrong. It is an infinite order

that encompasses the whole consciousness. Ordinary consciousness, however,

encompasses everything that you “know” or “see.” It does not include the whole

universe but merely contains the content that we are familiar with. Our actions

are dependent on our consciousness of them. If we are not conscious of them, we

will be unable to act intelligently and intuitively.

Our thought creates all of the activities which make the problems, and

subsequently tries to resolve them (Bohm, 1998). We create a world according to

our mode of participation based on how vast or narrow we want that world to be.

Mezirow (2000) stated that the transformation of the content of consciousness is

5
based on assumptions or premises that form the person’s frames of references.

These frames of references create the conditions of meanings and perspectives to

understand, interpret information, form opinions, and shape our attitudes and

beliefs.

Whether we are referring to it as “mind” or “consciousness,” the important

point is to be aware of what we are actually doing. We need to be ascertaining

our thoughts, the impacts our thoughts generate, and the activities our thoughts

generate. Our mind or consciousness has the capacity for self-reflection and

correction in relation to our wellbeing. Our mind and consciousness can be

transformed. This experience is described as a process of transformative learning.

Transformative learning is an expansion of consciousness in any individual. This

learning begins with an understanding of our own identity and expands our

consciousness by embracing new frames of references and points of view or

habits. Transformative learning will be confronted with a complex cultural

environment which requires sometimes major, and sometimes just subtle, changes

in the learner’s relationship to his or her identity (Mezirow, 2000).

The Inquiry Question and Sub-Questions

The primary research question of this study is: “How do actions derived

from Buddhist principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing the

challenges of change?” Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (1997) expressed what she

believes to be the purpose of life: “Life ends when you have learned everything

you are supposed to learn” (p. 162), “when we have passed the tests we were sent

to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate” (p. 286). Kübler-Ross identified

6
five stages of grief that often accompany terminal loss: denial, anger, bargaining,

depression, and acceptance. Moving through these stages can be seen as a

journey toward acceptance. We need acceptance from others, as well as from

ourselves. We need to feel secure in our own significance. Therefore, acceptance

is the beginning of growth.

For a deeper appreciation of how each participant understands some of the

principles of Buddhist psychology that apply to this study, the following sub-

questions are asked:

1. What is “suffering”?

2. What is “impermanence”?

3. What enables us to accept the process of change?

4. What is “grieving mindfully”?

5. How do we apply mindfulness training in our daily life to let go of our

attachments?

Purpose of the Study

In most cultures, people are unwilling to discuss death and acquire

knowledge on this topic. Many people have trouble relating to dying people

because the subject of death has become a social taboo (Reoch, 1996). The fear

of being lost, of losing that stage of being that is familiar, is the common fear of

death. While most religions teach to believe in an afterlife, such teachings do not

necessarily comfort the dying person. However, identifying with nature and its

constant change is a personal experience that can bring comfort to one who is

contemplating his or her own mortality (Boerstler & Kornfeld, 1995).

7
 Dying is more than just a physical event. It is a process that includes

one’s whole being: physical, psychological, and spiritual. People who are dying

experience all the emotions felt through the course of a lifetime. Coming to terms

with death is a painful emotional experience everyone has to go through. At the

same time, dying, like living, presents opportunities for personal growth and

development (Kuhl, 2002). An inability to cope with death will bring trauma to

the patient and his/her caregivers, family members, and friends. Therefore, death

education is critical to help patients and their loved ones achieve quality of life in

the final stages of life’s journey. Similarly, when people are facing other

challenging and life-threatening issues, they can be equally unprepared to react to

uncertainty and to cope with these situations. Some might feel paralyzed or

instantly numb. Buddhist psychology has profound knowledge in dealing with

suffering, loss, and confronting the fear associated with death.

Buddhist psychology, focusing on awareness of the present moment,

allows patients to apply self-discovery techniques that aid in unlocking their

doubts and challenges when facing their own death. The patients will be able to

seek meanings in life and live life to its fullest.

Everyone goes through hardship in life. The more you go through, the
more you learn and grow. Adversity makes you stronger. Life is hard,
life is a struggle. Life is like going to school. You are given many
lessons. The more you learn, the harder the lessons get. When you learn
your lessons, the pain goes away. If not for death, would we appreciate
life? (Kübler-Ross, 1997, pp. 17-18)

Growth does not limit itself to defending what has been accomplished in the past

but looks toward the future for expansion. Smith (1998) stated that for growth to

occur we have to be willing to let go of long-established habits and patterns—

8
only then can we allow ourselves to be pulled in a new direction. In contrast, if

we construct our lives solely to maintain our security, we remain hesitant and

bound by fear. We can stay on the edge of our growth only when we are willing

to risk facing our fears. Growth is about a personal transformative change. As

we learn to cope with changes and uncertainties, we also need to let ourselves

remain open to new ideas and concepts so that we can experience new ways of

doing things.

Smith (1998) further suggested that books on every facet of death and

dying have been written, from near-death experiences to navigational guides

through the after-death portal. The study of death-related activities does not

necessary translate into personal change. Change, in this case, requires reflecting

on death and learning lessons from it. When we allow ourselves to learn from

death, the psychic distance between those who are dying and those who are

healthy narrows. From the Buddhist perspective, the period of dying is a

meaningful opportunity to heal our lives, free ourselves of old patterns, and

deepen our compassion and wisdom. Becoming more accepting of ourselves

enables us to completely realize our true nature and attain enlightenment for the

benefit of all beings (Longaker, 1997). Acceptance of the underlying factors that

cause suffering is the diverging point to apply Buddhist psychology in coping

with the challenges of change.

This research study takes a non-religious approach to applying Buddhist

psychology by embracing various practices and techniques that contribute to

personal development for people dealing with traumatic challenges and life-

9
threatening issues. This research study is suitable for individuals of all ages and

religious backgrounds.

Grief, loss, and suffering are intrapersonal experiences. Each person’s

unique preferences, needs, and circumstances determine the best approach to

coping with their suffering. Therefore, each person’s learning journey will be

unique and different. Through their learning experiences, the impacted person

can strengthen his or her knowledge in coping with suffering when they face

challenges again in the future, whether these challenges are similar or different

from what they previously experienced.

Researcher’s Personal Relationship to the Topic

I have been interested in death education for many years. My volunteer

activities with HIV/AIDS-affected patients and in hospices have accelerated my

ambition to develop an education program that addresses aspects of dying. This

program will address the psychological effects and development opportunities of

dying for patients with a terminal illness. I have witnessed patients struggling

with severe stress while coping with their health and physical deficiencies. Their

emotional stages can fluctuate like a roller coaster, which reflects their instability.

Most of these patients choose to escape from facing reality and lose hope for their

future. On the other hand, I have worked with a few patients who accepted their

illnesses: they determined to make the best of each day of their lives and to live

with a positive mindset. These individuals have inspired me because they show

that a positive attitude can help patients live a more meaningful life.

10
 My personal encounters with suffering, grieving, and death extended over

a five year period. They were all painful and intense transformational learning

experiences. In this time period, I experienced the death of two family members

and the loss of employment. I also worked with colleagues dealing with cancer,

and accompanied AIDS patients throughout their final journey. As a Buddhist, I

have searched for avenues to calm my mind through meditation and yoga. In

addition to the mind training exercises, I deepened my connection with the Divine

and spirituality through various forms of creative visual art projects and volunteer

work. I have learned that the most effective approach to fast tracking my own

recovery is to apply and exercise unconditional love and compassion in my daily

living. I believe spiritual healing can be used as an effective tool to transform

suffering, uneasiness, death, and grieving.

The objective of my dissertation is to combine grief models from Western

psychology with the perspectives on living and dying from Buddhist psychology

to arrive at a better understanding of how to deal with difficult physical and

emotional changes. It will also consider how to transform suffering and grieving

into positive energy that can comfort individuals who are in need of bringing their

lives back to balance while facing and resolving their traumas.

In the following section, I discuss the context of loss, death, and

transformation in relation to the objective of this research and the enthusiasm of

the researcher to put a hypothesis into practical application. In Chapter Two,

Literature Review, I discuss in detail the comparative theories of grief models,

predominately from a Western perspectives, but also include Eastern religious

11
attitudes towards death, and approaches from Buddhist psychology on loss and

spiritual transformation. This East-meets-West integration of theories will

strengthen and amalgamate the research framework and methodology as

described in Chapter Three.

Context: Loss, Death, and Transformation

Loss.

Kübler-Ross (1997) argued that it is the experience of loss that truly

enables growth and profound learning. To most people, loss equals pain,

suffering, and, last but not least, unhappiness. At one time or another, everyone

experiences loss. We lose loved ones. We lose our health. We lose life itself.

We have to come to terms with this reality. Sooner or later, all is lost; we just do

not know when it will happen. Loss is a fact of life. Impermanence is

everywhere we look. All that we gain is eventually lost. Everything that is born

withers and dies; the seasons come and go; all of those who gather together are

eventually parted and scattered. How we deal with these losses makes all the

difference. Loss brings change. To some people, losses bring fear and anxiety; to

others they bring mature spiritually. Loss is, therefore, transformation.

Even though we have already experienced such changes, each time we

attain something that makes us happy we fall into the same trap: believing that

this time our situation is permanent and reliable and that we will not be

disappointed. When this situation changes, we end up hurt, bitter, or angry.

Many of us are uncomfortable around loss; when things go wrong in our

lives, we sometimes feel inferior, as though we have something to be ashamed of.

12
When bad things happen, we want to stay honest with ourselves about our

feelings. We do not want to lose our capacity to feel; we do not want to become

so hardened and frozen that we cannot experience or remember the negative

things that happened to us. Repressing difficult experiences and feelings can

make us ill. Acknowledging our pain is a necessary part of our healing.

However, it takes tremendous courage to authentically express our feelings.

Examining our lives and losses for deeper meaning is an important part of being

on a spiritual path. Yet loss and suffering can also bring faith. Suffering can be

redemptive; it can help us burn away superficiality and complacency.

Death.

When we are faced with the reality of dying we may also be facing, for the

first time, the emotional process of letting go of our attachment to life.

Understanding and working through this emotional pain, like every other part of

the process of dying, becomes a huge problem for us if we have not learned how

to let go gracefully throughout the many losses in our lives.

My first lesson and earliest exposure to death occurred when I was 10

years old. My maternal grandfather passed away after a two-year battle with

cancer. I was not close to my grandfather; I did not have fond memories of him

and considered him to be a grumpy old man. I found his character neither warm

nor loving. His passing had little or no emotional impact on me. However, this

death provided me with a valuable experience of the Chinese customs of

mourning and funeral services.

13
 My grandfather passed away on the eve of the Chinese New Year. His

death was very sudden, although he had been hospitalized and bed-ridden for

more than a month. My family members had anticipated that he would celebrate

the New Year at home. His house was already decorated in auspicious crimson

red, a color that the Chinese associate with good fortune. The festive foods were

already placed on the coffee table awaiting the arrival of visitors. We had to

remove all signs of celebration immediately after his death. The color red was

replaced by white. It is a Chinese custom that everything has to be decorated in

white to symbolize grieving. Two big white paper lanterns were hung at the

entrance of the house that signaled that the family was in mourning. White cloths

were draped in almost every corner of the house. We also had to change into

white attire to remind ourselves of our grief when we visited my grandfather’s

house.

During the festive time, which lasts for seven days of the lunar calendar,

the deceased’s family cannot contact relatives or friends to spread the sad news of

the death or the scheduled funeral arrangements. I felt that our family was

abandoned by the universe while all other families were celebrating the season

cheerfully. We had no one to turn to, and it was the custom not to visit other

families so the bad luck of death would not be spread. The unspoken rule in this

Asian culture was that we must internalize our suffering of the loss of a family

member. In Chinese culture, no one is willing to discuss or hear the word

“death.” To make things worse, traditional Chinese funeral customs can make

people feel very uncomfortable. The funeral parlor is decorated with lots of white

14
banners. The room temperature is kept extremely low; one can easily get sick by

staying there too long. The overwhelming fragrance of burning incense and paper

offerings to the deceased suffocated me. I was very restless.

Children were expected to sit still and quietly, which felt as though it was

a merciless punishment from the adults. My cousin Ellie, who was the same age

as I was at the time, was extremely bored and decided to slip out to take a short

stroll outside. Her naughty intention was to sneak out of the funeral parlor to get

some ice cream as a treat. However, she pressed the wrong button in the elevator.

By the time she realized the mistake, she was already on her way down to the

mortuary. 10 minutes later, she returned, wailing. She secretly told me that when

she was in the mortuary, she saw human figures floating in the air. I could not

verify the accuracy of this information. I was not brave enough to find out the

truth. The following day she had a high fever. Even now, she still refuses to talk

about that horrifying incident in the mortuary.

There is an old Chinese saying: “One brings two, and two bring three.” I

lost my fraternal grandmother, Ah Mah, a year later. Ah Mah lived with us, and

she was my favorite family member. She was more than a grandmother to me. In

fact, she was my best pal. Ah Mah and I shared numerous secrets. She spared me

many times from my mother’s strict and merciless disciplines. I began to depend

on Ah Mah for support when I was upset or unhappy. She continued to look after

my emotional welfare until she had to receive a medical treatment called

radiotherapy. Adults did not bother to explain to me why Ah Mah needed to go

through this medical process, or why she looked weaker after each treatment.

15
Eventually, she had to leave us and move into a hospital some distance away. My

father told me that Ah Mah needed to get fresh air in the countryside. I was

unaware that what my father called “the hospital” was, in fact, a hospice for

cancer patients whose days are numbered. I visited Ah Mah infrequently in the

hospice whenever my father decided to bring me along.

Needless to say, no one bothered to explain to me that the illness would

eventually take away my grandmother’s life. I was not given the opportunity to

say goodbye to my grandmother. I remember the Saturday afternoon my father

returned home from visiting the hospice. He told me that he did not need to go

back to the “hospital” anymore, “Ah Mah is gone.” Just like that, I was not given

an explanation other than the word “gone.” I fell in and out of a deep depression

during the subsequent two years. I was not afraid of death; it was not like the

experience in the funeral parlor that had haunted me the previous year. I was

afraid of losing someone close to me. I felt insecure due to the realization that

death caused a permanent end to friendship, companionship, and essentially a

relationship.

Nearly 29 years later, I lost another precious family member, my mother,

again to cancer. In the middle of a hot summer, from half a globe away, my

mother called me and told me to be calm. I took her only half seriously; I thought

she was about to tell me the latest gossip about our neighbors. She controlled her

emotions and told me matter-of-factly that she received the results of the lab tests.

I had no idea that she had gone through a series of tests in the past two months.

She had been diagnosed with lung cancer at the terminal stage.

16
 I still cannot remember the words or message that she conveyed to me

after that. I was totally unprepared for this heart-breaking news. I thought she

was joking; it was only few weeks away from her 65th birthday. I asked myself:

“Why now? Why?” My mother did not need anyone to comfort her. She

remained very calm and organized with her thoughts. As always, my mother had

a positive spirit. She began making plans for the rest of her life journey. I was

amazed at her energy level. She told me she had to complete a few “final”

projects of her life and insisted that she handle these projects by herself:

distributing of her possessions among us, writing her own obituary, selecting her

cemetery plot, and making the final arrangements for her own funeral.

What motivated my mother to do all these things? Did she ever feel sorry

for herself? My mother must have adopted a new strategy to deal with the

greatest challenge in her life. I made every effort to see my mother each month. I

witnessed a strong woman with a very gentle nature as she dealt with the last

battle of her life. She never failed to comfort us when we touched on the topic of

death. It appeared to me that my mother had a new outlook in life in the

remaining stages of her illness. She demonstrated that she had found the desire

and will to live her remaining life well.

Five years after my mother passed away, my father had a sudden stroke.

He was discovered by my younger brother lying unconscious on the floor of the

family room one day later. I was living overseas at the time when I received the

bad news. I took the earliest available flights to return home. My father regained

consciousness after 10 hours of rescue and intensive care. He was extremely

17
weak but he tried his best to engage with us when he knew we were around in his

hospital ward. He was a very socially active and talkative person throughout his

entire life, and the stroke robbed him of the power to speak. His only means of

communication was to write simple words on paper.

I had never seen my father in such horrible shape. His condition was

unstable and changed rapidly nearly every hour. I felt that it was my last

opportunity to spend quality time with him and wanted to bring closure to our

relationship as father and son. I applied all the techniques I learned from my

hospice training and volunteer work to look after my father with tender loving

care. Rather than feeling devastated and confused, I cherished every moment and

opportunity I looked after my father in the hospital. My father passed away

peacefully in his sleep two weeks after he was hospitalized. I learned two

valuable life lessons from caring for him: the importance of living in the present

moment and the importance of letting go.

Transformation.

Most of us feel that living is hopeful and that death represents the loss of

hope. However, hope can be experienced on many different levels. The same

feelings of hopefulness that we have while we are living can, in fact, be cultivated

when we are dying. To be able to face our death with hope, we must be willing to

take our lives seriously. We must make use of our rich potential for change and

growth. In the Buddhist view, life and death are not seen as two separate things,

but as different aspects of one whole. As an end to this life, death is very real.

Death is also the doorway into another type of existence, where our evolution

18
continues. Death can be an extraordinary opportunity to reach enlightenment,

complete liberation, and transform to a stage which is totally free of all suffering,

fear, and delusion. The challenge is to find a way to grow or to give ourselves a

positive direction in the midst of our suffering rather than agonizing over what we

are losing.

In Buddhism, the purpose of life is to know oneself because without that

internal self-realization all other goals would be meaningless (The Dalai Lama

XIV, 2000). When we know ourselves, we can see reality. When we know

ourselves, we can find our place in the cosmos. When we fully know ourselves,

we will know others. We will be able to comprehend reality and recognize our

own inner wisdom, our own divine light, our own pure nature. This realization

will transform our lives, our behavior, and our world.

In retrospect, I witnessed three distinct stages of my own confrontation

with death and the learning experiences associated with each stage. When I was a

child, I was exposed to the cultural implications of my grandfather’s death. In

that context, death was seen as undesirable, shameful, dirty, and the sign of bad

luck. I felt and acted abandoned by the world during that mourning period. My

grandmother’s death made me realize that I clung to old memories. My suffering

was more than the loss of a loved one; it was the loss of the certainty of life. My

need to hang on to memories symbolized a reluctance to change and move on

with life.

The experience of my parents’ passing away gave me an important life

lesson in “letting go.” Letting go means letting things come and go by just letting

19
them be. Letting go means learning to lighten up as well as enlightening up. We

do this by loosening our tight grip on things and relaxing our desire to control

everything in our environment.

Death has taught me a great deal about making friends with myself as who

I am. It has also taught me about making friends with life as it is. I realize there

are a lot of things I cannot change. The growing acceptance of life as it is has

brought me serenity. I feel more connected with nature and with all beings who

suffer. I also discovered a genuine sense of compassion. I have made a

commitment to find a way to give something back to life. Death has taught me an

important life lesson: if you want your life experience to be different, you have to

do something different. We have choices, we can consciously change the way we

view the world. Change is going to happen anyway, no matter what we do. We

might as well embrace the change rather than try to resist what is beyond our

control. Change leaves room for growth and transformation.

Definitions

Acceptance: Accepting that fact, thoughts, feelings, and emotions are

impermanent. Acceptance means to engage mindfully in the creation and results
of all actions and beings (Kübler-Ross, 1969, 1981, 1997, 1999).

Anticipatory grieving: Grieving in anticipation of the loss to come (Kübler-Ross,

1969, 1974, 1981, 1997).

Ars moriendi (The Art of Dying): A Latin text about death and dying with
instructive illustrations, from fifteenth century Europe (Kramer, 1988).

Awareness: See “Mindfulness.”

Closure: To move forward, to see completion in a relationship. In the face of

death, closure means having a chance to say good-bye to a loved one, to heal a
bad relationship, and to settle intense feelings (Kübler-Ross, 1969, 1975, 1981).

20
Five things to say in facilitating closure: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” “I love
you,” “Thank you,” and “Good-bye” (Kübler-Ross, 1969, 1975, 1981).

Cumulative grieving: Re-experiencing the feelings associated with previous

losses (Kübler-Ross, 1969).

Equanimity: Calm, peaceful acceptance of “what is,” rather than attraction to

pleasure or aversion to distress; accepting what we enjoy, but being mindful of
impermanence; accepting our emotional pain, but not being consumed by it (Nhat
Hanh, 1991, 2003).

Gradual Loss: The ability to anticipate and understand a loss before it takes place
(Kübler-Ross, 1969, 1975, 1981).

Letting Go: Non-attachment to people and things; letting things come and go by
letting be (The Dalai Lama XIV, 1997a, 1997b, 2000, 2002a; Ram Dass, 2000;
Lama Surya Das, 2003).

Mindfulness: Awareness; knowing oneself consciously; realizing real from the

unreal (The Dalai Lama XIV, 1997a, 1997b, 2000, 2002b; Gehlek Rimpoche,
2001; Nhat Hanh, 1991, 2003).

Reflexivity: The orientations of the researchers will be shaped by their socio-

historical locations, including the values and interests that these locations confer
upon them. In the research process, it involves participating in the social world,
and reflecting on the products of that participation (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000;
Merriam & Associates, 2002; Patton, 2002).

Sudden Loss: Unexpected loss for which one is unprepared (Kübler-Ross, 1969).

Transformation: Change; seeing differently, believing differently, and living

differently (The Dalai Lama XIV, 2000, 2002b; Lief, 2001; Nhat Hanh, 2003).

Researcher’s Assumptions

I grounded myself with many assumptions when I developed this research.

Some of these assumptions resulted from my working experience as an adult

educator and from a global exposure of interacting with diverse groups of people.

These unique work experiences and my cultural background have solidified and

cultivated my worldview. There might be other subconscious and unintentional

assumptions which contributed to my motivation to seek the truth about the

21
benefits of understanding suffering and its transformative impacts. I am

referencing the identified and conscious assumptions which are relevant to the

development of this study.

My worldview has been shaped by multi-cultural experiences, Buddhist

beliefs, and various people, philosophies, perspectives, and perceptions. Most

significantly, my worldview is influenced by my Asian heritage. I have been

directly motivated by the teachings and writings of the greatest spiritual leaders of

my time, including The Holiness Dalai Lama XIV (1997a, 1997b, 2000, 2002a,

2003), Thich Nhat Hanh (1991, 2001, 2002, 2003), and Ven. Master Hsing Yun

(2000, 2003).

My grief education comes from Mitch Albom (1997), Susan Berger

(2009), Ram Dass (2000), Stan Goldberg (2009), Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (1969,

1974, 1975, 1981, 1991, 1997, 1999), David Kuhl (2002), Stephen Levine (1987,

1989; S. Levine & O. Levine, 1995), Lama Surya Das (2003), Christine Longaker

(1997), Eugene O’Kelly (2006), Michele Reiss (2010), and James Van Praagh

(2000).

Ultimately, my worldview has been influenced by the Transformative

Learning and Change (TLC) program at the California Institute of Integral

Studies, and a particularly unique and intensive study course held in Auroville,

India. Some of the writers who have deeply impacted my learning experience

include David Bohm (1998), David Brazier (1995), Gail Straub (2000), Jiddu

Krishnamurti (1973, 1992/2005), Jack Mezirow (2000), Rob Preece (2006), and

Shunryu Suzuki (1970, 2002).

22
 My worldview includes the beliefs of adult learning theory (Knowles,

Elwood, & Richard, 1998; Fidishun, 2000) and the six principles of andragogy (as

cited in Fidishun 2000):

1. Adults are internally motivated and self-directed in seeking new

information. Adult learners will resist learning when they feel others

are imposing or pressuring information, concepts, and actions on them.

2. Adults bring life experiences and knowledge to the learning process.

Adults like to be able to utilize their rich source of knowledge and life

experiences and apply them to the newly acquired learning experience.

3. Adults are goal oriented. Adults will actively acquire new knowledge

when there is a need to learn, which can be a result of solving a

problem or meeting certain requirements.

4. Adults are relevancy oriented. Adult learners want to know the

relevancy and benefits of what they can achieve from learning.

5. Adults are practical. Adults demand to apply their newly acquired

knowledge to real-life situations. They are not satisfied with theories

which are only bounded by clinical experiments.

6. Adult learners like to be respected. Adults like to be acknowledged by

the wealth of experience they bring to the learning environment, and

encouraged to freely express their views and feedback in a safe

environment. (pp. 2-4)

Humanistic Buddhism is a contemporary Buddhist philosophy practiced

mostly by Mahayana Buddhists. Humanistic Buddhists integrate spiritual practice

23
into all aspects of their daily lives. As a Humanistic Buddhist in action, I have

framed several beliefs about living and our existence. These include that:

1. Buddhist psychology addresses the vast magnitude of learning

opportunities for people to develop personal growth through their

experiences in suffering.

2. Things happen for a reason. You may not understand it but in time it

will all make sense to you.

3. We can see reality from different perspectives so that we can choose

how to react and respond to circumstances.

4. When we lose things we care about, we can gain a deeper

understanding about what is important.

5. Buddhism addresses that the purpose of life is to know oneself. Living

is a process of continuous life-refinement.

6. Suffering, grief, and loss impel us to look inward as an accelerated

learning experience.

7. Change is inevitable (the Law of Impermanence). If we want our life

experiences to be different, we have to do something different.

8. We are in control of our own destiny. We have choices to make. We

determine how we want to live our lives.

9. Seeing differently is believing differently, which leads to different

ways of living. We can consciously alter the way we view the world

to cope with changes.

24
 My personal beliefs about suffering are:

1. Suffering is unavoidable.

2. Suffering is driven by undesirable changes: something or someone

important to us no longer exists in our lives.

3. We all experience various degrees of suffering in our life time.

4. We will not reach the maximum quantity of suffering which we can

endure. There is also no average amount of suffering per person.

5. The underlying factors of suffering to one person might not mean the

same to others.

6. Each person’s reactions to suffering differ.

7. The duration of suffering varies depending on the impacted person’s

attitude in coping.

8. Time does not heal suffering. Suffering does not disappear naturally

and will not cease over time.

9. The understanding of suffering strengthens and enriches our overall

life experiences.

Significance of the Study

This study is important to me because it has expanded my horizon in

addressing grief and loss. Through it, I have become aware of various

constructive paths to cope with suffering to make life challenges become a perfect

opportunity for an enriched personal learning journey.

This research provides an opportunity to redefine personal

accomplishment and success. Our society tends to define success in terms of

25
political and economic power, and link personal achievements to material terms

such as financial gains; there is relatively little interest in publishing success

stories about ordinary people overcoming their ordinary obstacles and life

challenges. Furthermore, there is very little written in the person-centered

literature about conquering death, uneasiness, loss, guilt, tragedy, and other

dilemmas and fears we face. In order to approach dark mental states in a

constructive way, we must be willing to face our fears. This research has

provided an enormous opportunity to review literature related to loss, grief, and

suffering from both academic and Buddhist perspectives, and to compare the

experience of the eight participants of my study to find common themes of growth

and personal transformation.

This research provides an opportunity to visit literature on grief model

theories, re-evaluate these theories, and compare the experiences of the eight

participants. There can be tremendous knowledge and insight gained from those

being greatly impacted by their life challenges.

This study provides a platform to address suffering and coping with

suffering at a multi-faith, cross-cultural, and multi-faceted level. By selecting a

diverse range of participants from different countries, ethnic background, age

groups, and professions, I have demonstrated how suffering is not culturally

unique. Also, by addressing a wide range of suffering and coping mechanisms I

have demonstrated that these seven themes can be applied as unconventional

modalities. This research also provides a ground to launch additional studies and

investigations by counselors, therapists, and life skills coaches.

26
 The seven themes I have identified from the interviews are not unique

terminologies to Buddhism. In fact, none of the participants are Buddhists. It is

not my intention to conduct a religious study on this topic. Paradoxes remain in

the attempts to label Buddhism in Western contexts. Is Buddhism a religion, a

psychology, a philosophy, a way of living, or a mental training? Zen is a school

of Mahayana Buddhism that originated in China during the sixth Century. Zen

emphasizes the attainment of enlightenment through direct personal experiences

rather than from ideas and doctrines. Zen practitioners believe that if you are

hungry, you eat; when you are tired, you go to sleep. Is it a religion? We do it

naturally every day, regardless of its designation. Zen is not inventing or

discovering something new; it is what it is, without judging or controlling the

thoughts.

These seven themes, although very closely related to Buddhist teachings,

have a universal application to a wider and more diverse audience of different

faiths and socio-cultural backgrounds. Buddhism and psychotherapy share

common goals: to alleviate human suffering and achieve inner peace. This

research offers an opportunity for practitioners to understand how Buddhist

principles can be applied in psychotherapy and life coaching. The practical

Buddhist teachings of compassion, mindfulness, acceptance, and impermanence

are all applicable to modern life.

This research will inspire practitioners to review innovative approaches in

healing their clients, helping them to redevelop a meaningful outlook in life. It

will be of interest to students and practitioners of thanatology, grief and trauma

27
counseling, and life coaches who want to further explore and expand alternative

modalities in their counseling practice. It can raise awareness of Asian and

Western based practices that are integrated and rectify the misconceptions that

Buddhist practices are exclusively related to activities of relaxation and stress

management (Bein, 2008; Beinorius, 2010; Groeger & Trenkler, 2005; Walsh,

1999).

Finally, anyone who is interested in incorporating Asian and Western

perspectives, spirituality, transformative learning, emotional intelligence, and

self-help approaches in developing intrapersonal-based counseling programs,

education frameworks, and overarching integral systems will appreciate the

understanding of the emotional stages people go through until they reach

acceptance of their circumstances. From the point of acceptance they can then

make a choice and commitment to cope with their life challenges. Although each

of my participant’s experiences and journeys were unique, their experiences in

reaching a constructive approach to rebuilding their lives were profound and

encouraging. Each participant conveyed a strong message of personal

achievement: they attained success in living a meaningful life and combated the

challenging battles in their lives.

28
 Chapter Two: Literature Review

Grief, loss, and suffering are essential experiences that everyone will

encounter during their lifetime. Some of these experiences might be short-lived,

and some will be impactful, but all of them affect our wellbeing and our physical

and mental abilities to interact with the world.

At the early stages of this research, I conducted a literature review

focusing on the potential benefits of making more education on strategies for

dealing with death available. I began with a general review of different theories

concerning the concept and context of grief. This exploration formed a

foundation which illuminated the themes of grief and loss, and how they can be

viewed as a path to a deeper understanding and acceptance of death. I reviewed

the most prominent theories, paying special attention to the five-stage grief model

of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (1969). Following this, I explored the concept of

suffering, which is a major contributor to grief and loss. Being a Buddhist, I have

found Buddha’s teachings about compassion and wisdom as healing agents of the

human spirit the most pertinent lessons to address the alleviation of human

suffering. In the early sections of this chapter, I discuss the perspectives found in

Buddhist psychology regarding the causes of human suffering. I then discuss

Buddhist’s approaches and strategies in dealing with grief, loss, and suffering

through practices of mindfulness, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.

After conducting interviews with the participants, additional research and

a further literature review of Buddhist psychotherapies needed to be done. The

participants described how several mindfulness experiences related to their coping

29
strategies resonated with Buddhist psychotherapies. Over the past 40 years, the

integration of Buddhism into Western psychological systems has become more

accepted, and a rapid development of transpersonal psychology techniques has

evolved since the last century. In the following sections of this chapter, I review

literature and explain how it contributed to the inquiry for this project.

Death is an opportunity to Grow – Why is Death Education so important?

The two most profound transformations that determine the course of our

lives are birth and death. What makes a birth unhappy and painful can be that it is

a reflection of the unavoidable experience of dying. Both situations are moments

of supreme vulnerability. However, by understanding more about these

experiences, it is possible for great pain to coexist with, and be transformed by,

tenderness, compassion, and insight.

People who are dying are treated differently than healthy people. What is

the definition of dying and when does that process begin in our lives? Death is

inevitable. From the moment of birth, the cells of our body are endlessly dying

and being replaced. The body that dies is not the body that was born. In order to

grow, we experience many deaths. Over time, we shed our appearance, our

attitude, and our behaviors as we go through different life stages. The person who

dies is only one of the persons we became as we lived. We are all living literally

on the edge of death. We are a living person and a dying person at the same time.

Nuland (1995) suggested that the art of dying is the art of living. The

honesty, grace, and dignity of the years of life that are ending are the real

30
measures of how we die. The dignity that we seek in dying must be found in the

dignity with which we have lived our lives.

The experience of dying differs from person to person. There is much in

our own behavior and attitudes that determine what the quality of our experience

will be. A majority of people have trouble relating to dying people because the

subject of death has been a social taboo. We live in a death-denying society.

Although every single human being on the planet dies, there is a socially

reinforced effort to banish this truth from our mind. The taboo is exercised at

many levels: we use certain phrases to avoid directly talking about death; we treat

death as a medical crisis and hand it over to the medical professionals; due to

social pressures we cover up death or suppress open discussion about it. Since we

deny death and treat it as taboo, we are unable to reach out to others on this topic.

Death education is not a popular topic in which people gladly engage (Reoch,

1996).

De Hennezal (1998) stated that those who approach death sometimes

discover that the experience of the beyond is already sketched out for them in the

very experience of life, in the here and now. Life leads us from one beyond to

another: beyond ourselves, beyond certainties, beyond our judgment and egoism.

De Hennezal argued that instead of denying death, we could use an awareness of

our own mortality to deepen our respect for the value of life. Even when one

enters the final stage of helplessness, one can still be capable of love and of

feeling loved.

31
 Confronted with the death of someone we love and have known well, we

often find ourselves at a stage of complete loss: we do not know what to say or

do. We are unable to comprehend our mixed feelings. Since death is not talked

about openly but handed over to “specialists,” we have little experience in dealing

with it ourselves. Without this experience, and without strong religious, spiritual,

or other enduring values, we are unprepared for the psychological crisis resulting

from our confrontation with death. Training for death is imperative to help us

cope with “dying and death” as a true learning experience.

What is Grief?

“Grief” was defined by Webster’s Dictionary (1991) as injury, suffering,

trouble, and disaster, and by Freud (1917/1957) as the loss of a loved person or

something significant. Averill (1968) suggested that grief involves burdens and

various deprivations of needs and wants. Rando (1984) argued that grief occurs

as a process of psychological and social responses to loss. Changes in self-

construct and status also create concrete losses. Kumar (2005) claimed that grief

is a personal journey; it is not the same for any two people and is as unique as our

lives and our relationships. We experience grief when we experience any change

in our relationships to the world.

Consequences of grief and loss can be found in reactions to physical

changes, for example through pain, aches, or muscle stiffness (Bowlby, 1980;

Freud, 1917/1957; Parkes, 1987; Raphael, 1983; Sanders, 1989), and

psychological changes such as fear, panic, sadness, anger, helplessness, guilt, and

32
despair (Clayton, Halikies, & Maurice 1971; Lindemann, 1944; Marris, 1968;

Parkes, 1987; Rando, 1984; Raphael, 1983; Tatelbaum, 1980).

McCabe (1997) stated that society does not blame people for bereavement.

However, certain “wrongness of death” (in a moral sense) may be stigmatized as a

breach of social mores, for example, if the person died of AIDS, suicide, or other

definitions of “unnatural” death within a particular culture (pp. 117-118). Grief

will then become taboo, or something to be ashamed of (Lewis, 1961).

Furthermore, loss is a symbol of one’s inability to maintain one’s resources and

possessions.

Kumar (2005) believed that by being aware of grief rather than ignoring or

denying it, and by working to understand what creates the pain, we can release

ourselves into the person we are and the person we want to be. Through

increasing awareness of grief, we can change habits and ideas that have distanced

us from living more fully.

Loss

Rando (1984) stated that the concept of loss is not limited to traumatic,

tragic, or unexpected events, but also includes everyday activities. Loss consists

of both physical and symbolic losses. Concrete or physical losses may include

death or the loss of an item. Symbolic or psychological losses may include events

associated with a diminished status due to a change in jobs, or lowered

expectations due to a change in circumstances. Some events can incorporate both

physical and symbolic aspects of loss, such as aging and retirement. Rando went

33
on to indicate that losses may not be unpleasant if the change is perceived as

positive, such as graduating or getting a new job due to promotion.

Losses can also be categorized on two levels: primary loss and secondary

loss (Averill, 1968). An example of primary loss, also known as an object loss,

includes a loss of human life. A secondary loss, which can be referred to as

symbolic or functional losses, include the loss of an important and meaningful

relationship, the loss of companionship, or a negative change in social status or

financial conditions (Parkes, 1987; Rando, 1984; Raphael, 1983).

Comparative Theories of Stages of Grief

Grief is a time in a person’s life when everything seems to be out of

control, disoriented, and chaotic. It is also a time when things happen; the

bereaved feel extremely vulnerable and do not know how to respond and react.

When reviewing any stage models of grief, people generally assume that “as time

goes by, it will heal all wounds.” In fact, time alone does not heal wounds. Time

only provides the bereaved some distance to the event without offering any

realistic means to deal with what actually happened in their lives (Winokuer,

2011). By understanding the grief models, we can help the bereaved to begin the

healing process with the suggestion of several key steps: by acknowledging the

reality of the loss, by expressing empathy and providing rapport, by adjusting to

the environment without the presence of their loved ones, and by instilling an

attitude that includes seeing new opportunities—realizing that “life goes on.” The

insights of grief models enable us to cope with loss proactively as opposed to

reactively.

34
 There are many profound theories on the stages of grief; however, in this

section I compare and contrast only three of them. I am most interested in

Kübler-Ross’s (1969) grief model because it addresses the emotional and

psychological reactions of the person facing death and personal traumatic

changes. O’Rourke (2010) suggested that, in her grief model, Kübler-Ross

created a paradigm for how Americans die, which eventually resulted in a

paradigm for how Americans grieve.

Kübler-Ross (1969) suggested that families go through the same stages as

the patients. Strada (2004) argued that the most significant contribution of

Kübler-Ross’s model was that it gave voice to the often ignored feelings of anger,

aggression, and despair experienced by many dying people. Wright (2003) stated

that Kübler-Ross’s description of the stages of dying was considered

controversial, and while Kübler-Ross found insufficient empirical support for her

claims, she illuminated the fact that many dying people are overwhelmed by

anger, aggression, fear, and despair. Nevertheless, Kübler-Ross’s rich description

of these stages of emotional torment during the dying process was well presented.

Lindemann (1944) conducted research on bereavement based on a

distressing situation that happened in Boston—a fire at a nightclub called The

Coconut Grove (See also Tomlinson, 2001). Based on his empirical study,

Lindemann (1944) concluded that acute grief is a normal reaction to a distressing

situation. He identified five common characteristics of acute grief amongst the

survivors: (a) on-going somatic stress—increased fatigue and body discomfort;

(b) preoccupation with the image of the deceased—they continued to visualize

35
lost loved ones; (c) on-going feelings of guilt—they had a tendency to accuse

themselves of negligence or exaggerate the relevance of minor actions they could

have done to prevent the tragedy; (d) hostile reactions to people around them—

they could become easily irritable and angry towards their family and friends; and

(e), the loss of normal patterns of conduct (See also Buglass, 2010; Tomlinson,

2001).

Lindemann (1944) suggested that the grieving process is manifested in

three stages: (a) shock and disbelief, during which the griever cannot accept the

loss and denies its reality; (b) acute mourning, during which the symptoms that

surface include loneliness, weeping, and preoccupation with the image of the

deceased; and (c) resolution of grief, during which the griever resumes daily

routine activities. Lindemann concluded that it is possible for the bereaved to

mitigate their grieving by reviewing their current and previous bonds with the

deceased, and by adjusting their reactions to moments when memories of the

deceased arise (See also Tomlinson, 2001). Another conclusion that Lindemann

found was that grief is part of a psychological coping or healing process; he

referred to it as grief work.

According to Mongelluzzo (2012), Lindemann argued that individuals

who do not resolve their loss and grief concerns can develop adjustment issues

and mental health problems later in their lives. Buglass (2010) suggested that

Lindemann identified two critical factors for this grief work which are required

from the bereaved person: to become emotionally detached from the deceased

person, and to adapt to a completely new environment in which the deceased was

36
not included. Lindemann expressed that in 8 to 10 interview sessions, partnering

with a grief counselor, the bereaved would be able to accept their loss, adjust their

lives, and form new relationships (Lepps, 2005; Tomlinson, 2001). Criticism of

Lindemann’s grief model includes that it focuses primarily on psychological

reactions and neglects the physical, spiritual, and social components; furthermore,

Lindemann’s perspective is based on normal grief; complicated situations of grief

without displaying emotions are not addressed in his grief model (Drenth, Herbst,

& Strydom, 2009).

John Bowlby (1969, 1973, 1980) studied attachment in infants and

children, and their anxiety when separated from their mothers or primary

caregivers. He suggested that when caregivers remain unavailable, a process of

grief and mourning is triggered. Colin Parkes, a researcher in adult bereavement,

joined Bowlby in further research on this topic (McCabe, 1997). According to

McCabe (1997) they defined four phases of grief in adults, beginning with

numbness. This mental phase can last for a few hours to a week after

experiencing extreme distress and anger. A person can feel numb when

experiencing a high state of alarm and panic or a threat of personal security,

including loss. This grieving experience includes a realization that the loved one,

and the relationship, cannot be restored.

During the second phase of “yearning and searching,” the grieving person

will continue to yearn for the beloved and search for the lost figure (McCabe,

1997, p. 80). This emotional turbulence will appear in the early weeks and

months following bereavement. The griever will then repeatedly make attempts

37
to recover or reclaim the dead person and the lost relationship. After continuous

and fruitless efforts have been made to recover what has been lost, resulting in

more disappointments, the griever will express frustration and depression.

McCabe (1997), Bowlby (1980), and Parkes (1987) described this third phase as

“disorganization and despair” (McCabe, 1997, p. 54). After a period of

disappointment, the griever will come to a harsh awakening about the reality of

loss. The griever will then re-establish a new life by resuming daily activities

without the dead person. This adaptation and resuming a life-as-usual attitude is

manifested in the fourth phase of grief, recognized as “reorganization” (McCabe,

1997, p. 57).

Kübler-Ross published her model of death and dying in 1969 and it

remains one of the best-known models today. It consists of five stages, known as

the “five-stage grief cycle.” Kübler-Ross argued that trauma and emotional

shock, such as the diagnosis of a serious illness in oneself or a loved one, can

cause the same destabilizing effect as death and dying. Because of this, her grief

model can also be used as a way to understand people’s emotional reactions to

personal trauma, change, and loss. This model suggested that a form of resolution

is possible; a perspective that “time heals” and “life goes on” happens when the

person moves through the five stages of grief, settling in the final stage of

acceptance.

Kübler-Ross’s (1969) grief model contributed significantly to our

understanding and practices in relation to bereavement and hospice care. The first

stage of grief is “denial and isolation.” During this stage, the person consciously

38
or unconsciously refuses to accept any facts, information, or reality relating to the

situation. People will often state, “It is not true” or, “It cannot happen to me”

during this stage. This instant reaction is a defense mechanism that temporarily

blocks the person from traumatic changes, thus allowing the person some time to

collect him or herself. Kübler-Ross believed that people who use denial as a main

defense in normal times will use denial much more extensively than others in

times of grief.

The second stage, following denial, is “anger.” Kübler-Ross (1969)

explained that this stage is very difficult to cope with, unlike the first stage of

denial. The person will openly display irrational anger in all areas of their life and

get upset easily and randomly, both with themselves and with others. The person

will seek victims on whom to vent their frustrations. At this stage, they will

increasingly demand attention with one reason: a desire not to be forgotten.

People who do not understand the reason for this sudden change towards volatile

and hostile behaviors will begin to be alienated rather than provide the sympathy

and comfort that is being sought. The grieving person faces the dilemma during

this stage of feeling tremendous anger, but any expression of that anger drives

family members, friends, and helpers further away. Indeed, what the person

wants is love and acceptance from others.

Kübler-Ross (1969) described the third stage as “bargaining.” In this

stage, the grieving person will attempt to undo the reality of the situation by

bargaining or pleading with higher authorities—both spiritual and mortal—

whomever they perceive to have the power to reverse the situation. After failing

39
to confront the unpleasant and cruel facts of life (first stage), the person turns their

frustration and anger toward the people close to them (second stage). The

grieving person subsequently appeals to God or whoever might have the power to

grant favors to postpone or change the unpleasant outcome. During this stage, the

person can become very religious and will make promises to God to do anything

if the outcome can be altered. They will express a lot of “ifs” and promise to keep

his or her part of the bargain in exchange for their desired outcome. The person is

very concerned with “deadlines,” becoming more aggressive and demanding as

the deadlines approach.

After a series of bargaining, negotiating, and pleading attempts, the

grieving person begins to face continuous disappointments when the requests

have not been answered. The person will fall into “depression”—the fourth stage

as described by Kübler-Ross (1969). This is also a confrontational phase. She

believes despair, depression, fear, sadness, and regret are the most common and

natural expressions, and are manifested when the unrealistic expectations are not

fulfilled. The person will then come to realize that there is nothing they can do.

Kübler-Ross identified two types of depression in this stage. The first type is

reactive depression, which is derived directly from the situation, such as when a

breast-cancer patient is depressed due to the loss of her feminine features. The

second type of depression is preparatory and is a result of impending losses due to

the situation. For example, for a dying patient, preparatory depression results

from the understanding that any unrealized long-term goals will not be achieved,

and the effect this may have on friends and family members. According to

40
Kübler-Ross, preparatory depression is often a silent one. The person does not

require much verbal interaction or intervention at this stage. He or she is grieving

silently and alone.

The journey of dealing with depression varies according to people’s

unique situations and their attitudes to adversity; some will take much longer to

complete this phase than others. Kübler-Ross (1969) believed that it is necessary

for the person to completely deal with their depression before reaching the stage

of “acceptance,” the final stage of her grief model. Kübler-Ross explained that

acceptance should not be taken at face value and be mistaken as a “happy stage.”

“It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over,

and there comes a time for the ‘final rest before the long journey’ as one patient

phrased it” (p. 124). It is also easy to mistakenly think the person is ‘giving up.’

At this stage, the person has come to a realization of truth and is no longer

struggling to avoid, fight, mask, or ignore the inevitable outcome, whether that

will be death, loss of an object, or a departure of a meaningful relationship. At

this stage, the person has reached acceptance with peace and dignity, and also

acknowledged the fact that their circle of interest will gradually diminish.

McCabe (1997) stated that the prevailing grief models in Western theories

revolve around stages or phases, a consistent approach in believing the person

will progressively and gradually move forward in their grief and ultimately

achieve a sense of resolution. McCabe argued that in reality, some of the stages

and phases move in an irregular, non-linear manner, and sometimes overlap.

Therefore, the stage or phase metaphor does not necessarily provide a

41
comprehensive view to explain and fully capture the experiences of grief. Due to

the over simplicity and generalization of linear approaches, many aspects of grief

experiences might be left out.

O’Rourke (2010) suggested that Lindemann’s (1944) work was

exceptional in its detailed analysis of the experience of the grieving, and yet his

conception of grief was more rigid than that of Kübler-Ross (1969). Lindemann

(1944) believed that most people need only four to six weeks of time and eight to

ten sessions with a psychiatrist to get over a loss. O’Rourke (2010) argued that

such stage theories of grief are based on anecdotal observation rather than

empirical evidence.

Although Kübler-Ross (1969) captured the series of emotions that the

grievers experience, newer research suggests that grieving and mourning do not

follow a checklist. The grieving process is unlike a progression of stages and

more like an on-going process that might never fully end. For example,

O’Rourke (2010) pointed to additional studies that suggested that grief comes in

waves, welling up and dominating emotional life and then subsiding, only to recur

at a later time. Later, Kübler-Ross (1975) also realized her stage theory had

grown into a narrow and restrictive prescription for grief in the perspectives of the

researchers and hospice caretakers. Kübler-Ross subsequently suggested that

confrontation with death and dying can enrich life and help grievers to become

more human and humane.

My research is not focused on the theoretical accuracy and validity of

these different stages of grief. Instead, I am interested in inquiring into the

42
profound transformative learning experiences of individuals who have gone

through the various stages of grief, and if they have come to a final stage of

resolution, whether it is called idealization, reorganization, or acceptance.

What role has religion played in addressing death? Kübler-Ross (1969)

stated that people believe there is a purpose to suffering and that it can lead to

future rewards. It can be a reward in heaven or on earth depending on the

courage, grace, patience, and dignity with which the person carries the burden. In

the next section I discuss the importance of spirituality and analyze an Eastern

attitude toward death from the perspective of spirituality.

Facing Death With a Spiritual Perspective

Kumar (2005) defined spirituality as a personal journey, one that is

constantly unfolding and evolving. The distinction between religion and

spirituality is that religion is a shared faith or set of beliefs whereas spirituality is

personal. Spirituality has more to do with our own personal relationship with

whatever helps us to feel connected with a positive power.

Strada (2004) emphasized that the importance of spiritual care at the end

of life is strictly tied to the issue of identifying and assessing spiritual needs. The

goal of spiritual care is to provide an integration of mind, body, and spirit in order

to allow the development of a sense of wholeness. Examining the present might

create feelings of anger or suffering and result in spiritual consequences. In this

case, there is some irony here in that spiritual health may be made possible by the

illness. The dying person will also have feelings and aspirations about the future,

as well as hopes and beliefs about an afterlife.

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 Khadro (1999) stated that helping a dying person is no easy task. When

people die, they experience numerous difficulties and changes. This will give rise

to confusion as well as painful emotions. They may have physical needs which

they are not be used to, such as a need for relief from pain and discomfort and,

depending on their circumstances, needing assistance in performing basic tasks.

At the same time, they also have emotional needs: to be treated with respect,

dignity, love, and kindness; to talk and be listened to; or, at certain times, to be

left alone and in silence. They also have spiritual needs: to try to make sense of

their lives, their suffering, and their death; to have hope for what lies beyond

death; to feel that they will be cared for and guided by someone or something

wise and more powerful than themselves.

Khadro (1999) further described that the dying person’s experience can

include disturbing thoughts and emotions, such as regrets about the past, fears

about the future, sadness about having to separate from loved ones and

possessions, and anger about the misfortunes that are happening to the person.

Learning spiritual teachings can help the dying person to become more

compassionate, to understand the nature of our lives, the universe, and karma (or

causes and effects). They will also gain a deeper capacity of spiritual

development and cultivate a purified mind. Keeping the mind free from negative

thoughts will mitigate the fear of death, especially at the time of death.

Death is natural and an inevitable part of life. Kapleau (1989/1997)

explained that people sometimes think illness and death are punishments for bad

things they have done, or for failures or mistakes, but it is none of these—it is a

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natural part of life. Kapleau noted that the sun rises and sets, the seasons come

and go, beautiful flowers bloom, then become withered and brown, and people are

born, live for some time, then die. One of the principle doctrines of Buddhism is

the truth of impermanence: things change and pass away. People may fear that

accepting and thinking about death will make them morbid or spoil their

enjoyment of life’s pleasure. Kapleau, however, suggested that the opposite is

true: denying death makes us tense, while accepting it brings peace. Our

awareness of death can highlight what is important in life: being loving and kind

to others, and being honest and enjoying life every day.

By realizing that our lives are only transitory, we will be more likely to

spend our time wisely, doing positive, beneficial, virtuous actions, and refraining

from negative, non-virtuous actions. The benefits of this realization will allow us

to be able to die without regret. Khadro (1999) suggested that understanding

death will induce a need to prepare ourselves for it. There are various mental

training methods, such as praying, meditation, and working on the mind, that will

enable us to overcome fear, attachment, and other emotions that could arise at the

time of death and cause our mind to be disturbed, unmerciful, and negative.

Preparing for death will enable us to die peacefully, with a clear, positive state of

mind.

Each of us is made up of a body and a mind. The body consists of our

physical parts (skins, bones, and organs) and the mind consists of our thoughts,

perceptions, and emotions. Khadro (1999) explained that the mind is a

continuous, ever-changing stream of experiences. It has no beginning and ending.

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Buddhists believe that when we die, our mind separates from our body and goes

on to take on a new life. Being able to accept and integrate this understanding

will be helpful in overcoming the fear of death and being less attached to the

things in this life. In reincarnation, the type of life we will be born into is

determined by the way we have lived our lives. Therefore, a positive, beneficial,

and ethical action will lead to a good rebirth and happy experiences; conversely,

harmful actions will lead to an unfortunate rebirth and miserable experiences.

Most importantly, the crucial factor that determines our rebirth is the state of mind

at the time of death. Khadro emphasized that we should aim to die in a positive,

peaceful state of mind to ensure a good rebirth; dying with anger, attachment,

craving, or other negative attitudes may lead to a rebirth in unfortunate

circumstances in the next life.

Painful or frightening experiences that occur at the time of death will

create negative actions or negative karma. (Karma is the total effect of a person’s

actions and conduct during the entire life span of the person’s existence.) To

prevent such experiences, and to cultivate good merit, we need to refrain from

negative actions and do as many positive actions as we can. Working on our

minds to reduce the causes of negative actions, delusions, or disturbing emotions

such as anger, greed, or pride is important. There is no way of knowing when

death will happen. Each time we part with someone, even for a short time, there

is no certainty that we will meet them again. Realizing this can help us to avoid

hanging on to negative feelings, and to resolve our conflicts with others as quickly

46
as possible. This will ensure that we do not die with regrets that we did not

resolve.

From an optimistic perspective, dying can be a time of learning and

growth, a time of deepening our love and compassion and our awareness of what

is important in life. It can be a time to renew our faith and commitment to

spiritual beliefs and practices. Death can be an opportunity to gain insight into

the true nature of ourselves and all beings. As we cannot escape from the reality

of death, being able to cope with it with openness and acceptance rather than fear

and denial will enable us to develop a sense of readiness when we are faced with

either our own death or the death of someone we love.

A Comparison of Eastern Religious Attitudes Towards Death

The teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism share a similar theme. The

conquest of death is believed to be a long task involving the cultivation of a

disciplined mind and body throughout many terms of existence. The practice of

virtue brings rewards in the form of religious merit. With sufficient merit, one

can expect to enjoy material and spiritual prosperity in heaven after death. Both

traditions agree that the most effective method of conquering death is to accept it

as a fact of life, and all beings will transcend both life and death and come into

unity with the Divine (Kübler-Ross, 1975).

Hindu tradition believes that when the body dies, the Self (Atman) does

not die (Kramer, 1988). The secret of death is to realize the Supreme Self hidden

in the heart, through meditation and grace. The realization of this secret is called

liberation, which releases one from life’s karma (cause and effect) and from

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samsara (the endless cycle of birth, death, and re-birth). According to the Hindu

scared text Katha Upanishad, I:9, Krishna’s teachings on death are based on four

attitudes:

1. The death of one’s physical body is inevitable and is not to cause

prolonged grief.

2. The subtle dimension of the person does not die at death, rather it takes

on a new body.

3. The Eternal Self (Atman) is birth-less and death-less, and cannot be

destroyed.

4. One, who realized the Eternal Self while yet alive, will not be reborn

but at death, will merge with Brahman. (p. 33)

In India, the flux of life is viewed as a continued series of births, deaths,

and rebirths. Reincarnation blends the natural law of evolution with the spiritual

process of awakening. From the point at which each new self-consciousness

begins to the point of final awakening, or attained enlightenment, each soul is

karmically conditioned to choose re-birth. When a person awakens and sees with

a spiritual eye, reincarnation is no longer a necessity. During my short stay in

Nepal and Auroville, India, I experienced Hindu traditions that are fully embodied

in daily life, as they are the predominant religion. There is no separation of

religion, spiritual practices, and daily life. Hindu beliefs are well integrated in

ordinary living. I felt like every single movement and thought consisted of

karmic conditions.

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 Buddhist teachings on death are summarized as follows:

1. All life is forever vulnerable to suffering.

2. Everything is constantly changing.

3. While whatever is born must sooner or later die.

4. And as long as one is completely absorbed in grief there can be no

release from the fear of death. (Kramer, 1988, p.43)

Hinduism rejects the immortality of the body but retains the immortality

of the soul. Buddhism rejects both. The concept of “I” (Self) is considered to be

a subtle projection of mind, which is relative, conditioned, and impermanent.

Two historical traditions within Buddhism, Zen and Tibetan Buddhism, have

different attitudes toward dying. Zen is one of the traditions whose major practice

is to live as though thoroughly dead. This experience is called “Great Death.”

Great Death involves letting go of all ordinary experience, all ideas of the self,

and all dependency of everything. In order to achieve this, Zen has evolved two

modes of spiritual death-training: zazen, or seated Zen, and koan, a total challenge

to ordinary dualistic consciousness. The Tibetan perspective believes that a

person should die in a wholesome mind-state because of how this affects karmic

operations. If one dies in a wholesome mind-state, with concentrated awareness,

that person’s virtuous karmic imprint will ripen. On the other hand, if one dies in

a negative mind-state, with strong attachments to the current life, together with

incomplete emotions and needs, an unwholesome karmic imprint will develop in

the next life-form. Tibetans believe that the desire to be reincarnated comes from

karmic illusions and prevents a person from choosing to concentrate on the

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“Buddha realm.” During the process of reincarnation, the spiritual body

manifests in a physical form exactly in the inverse of the process of dying.

Therefore death is not extinction, nothing is eliminated. There is only transition

from one state to another (Kramer, 1988).

Taoist theory believes that everything is a natural evolution of the two

opposites “Yin” and “Yang.” Yin is always in the process of changing to Yang,

and Yang to Yin. Life (Yang) is seen as the foreground of death, and death (Yin)

as the backdrop to life. The process of death is the natural and necessary

transition from a conscious state to an unconscious one, from a life-body to a

death-body. Beyond all human change, nature continues to express itself within

never-ending cycles of transformation. Similar to the Buddhists, Taoists practice

dying training through meditative exercises, the fine arts, and the martial arts. Tai

Chi and Chi Gong are the two profound martial arts that combine the circulation

of energy that flows within the body. Taoists believe that through these physical

body exercises one can achieve immortality (Kramer, 1988).

Buddhist Psychology on Loss and Spiritual Transformation

Buddhist psychology is essentially a philosophy emphasizing

impermanence, transience, or process (Daya, 2001). The Buddhist perspective of

process may be its most useful contribution to therapeutic systems. The most

recent trends in Western psychotherapy focus on the investigation into the nature

of change (Lyddon, 1990). Buddhist psychology, a system that is over 2500 years

old, focuses on the nature of change and the training of the mind. At present there

is no literature that distinguishes the Buddhist system from the principles of

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change (Daya, 2001). Buddhism and psychotherapy have a shared objective: to

alleviate suffering by changing the way we look at the world, and by challenging

the fundamental assumptions that we use to construct our realities (Kumar, 2005).

Furthermore, Buddhism and psychotherapy both place emphasis on taking an

active role in living our lives.

Kornfield (2008) explained that Buddhist teachings are not a religion; they

are a science of the mind. Like most religions, Buddhism offers its followers a

rich tradition of devotional practices, rituals, and scared stories. However, all

these are not the origin or core of Buddhism. The Buddha was a human being,

not a god. He offered his followers his experiential teachings and practices. They

are revolutionary ways to understand and release suffering. From his own

experiences, he discovered a systematic and remarkable set of trainings to bring

about happiness and fulfill the highest levels of human development.

Buddhist psychology has studied the intertwined relationship between

change and suffering. The discussion of the process and principles of change is

found to be universal and applicable to different cultural backgrounds.

Lama Surya Das (2003) suggested that the first step in handling suffering

is to look at our losses realistically. He suggested the following spiritual and

meditative approach:

Put aside all illusions and delusions about what could have been or should
have been; then acknowledge the tears and unhappiness. Continue to
reflect on the experiences without denial. Sense directly in the present
moment how it affects you in the body and mind. Reflect on the ways to
use the loss to grow spiritually. (p. 29)

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 Lama Surya Das (2003) believed that this internal inquiry will help deepen

an understanding about what is truly important in the crisis of loss. He explained

that when we are grieving and struggling, the knowledge that we are gaining from

this experience is of benefit to our inner strength. He summarized the relationship

of loss and the emotional impacts and effects as: “Loss = pain. Loss = suffering.

Loss = unhappiness” (p. 33).

While we are battling with the unpleasant sensation of loss, we are

strengthening, changing, and maturing our spirituality. Therefore, loss is

transformative. Lama Surya Das (2003) explained that Buddhism’s view on the

purpose of life is to know oneself, without internal self-realization—all other

goals are worthless. Pain and loss force us to look inward to get to know

ourselves and to find our place in the cosmos. When we know ourselves (the true

selves), then we will know others. We will then be able to comprehend reality

and recognize our own inner wisdom. In Buddhism, mindfulness awakening is

called Buddha-nature. This realization will transform our lives, our behavior and

people around us. A spiritual life is a reconnection with our inner divinity as well

as the divinity of the cosmos. In experiencing loss, Lama Surya Das suggested

that we need to ground and center ourselves back to our innermost being. He

suggested chanting, prayer, meditation, and yoga practices to heal and nurture our

spirits.

Ray (2000) stated that, from a psychological standpoint, suffering is

classified in three categories: suffering of change, suffering upon suffering, and

suffering in the making. The suffering of change is caused by our unrealistic

52
expectations that all our favorable, desirable, and pleasurable conditions will

remain in a permanent state. Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche (1987) explained that the

general source of suffering rests with the way we allow our mind to function. Our

perception of an object through different senses results in a judgment derived

from a duality-based perspective of desirable or undesirable qualities of the

object. If a desirable outcome prevails, we want to obtain the object and develop

a clinging desire to hold on to it indefinitely. The reality of change, the eventual

detachment from the object, will then cause suffering. Therefore, the suffering of

change is a reactive depression caused by a loss or change in circumstances.

Suffering upon suffering describes a state of unhappiness that is

worsening. Patrul Rinpoche (1999) described the situation as a continuous

enduring of physical deterioration caused by an illness if treatment is

unsuccessful. Lama Surya Das (2003) explained that life is often a matter of

suffering upon suffering. The most severe challenge of suffering upon suffering

is to handle problems and recognize the nature of life without falling into deep

despair and depression. The wisdom in overcoming the obstacles is to recognize

the universal nature of suffering and the fact that no one can be spared from it.

Suffering in the making is described as any activity that brings us pleasure

and also causes a certain degree of suffering to numerous beings. For example,

eating meat is connected with the killing of animals, which is taking innocent

lives. Therefore, in a nutshell, in our cosmos our existence is based on an

intricate inter-dependent relationship, everyone’s living is generating intentional

and unintentional suffering of other sentient beings.

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 The “Four Noble Truths” of Buddhism—Dukkha, Samudaya, Nirodha,

and Magga—are the foundation of the Buddha’s teaching, and all are concerned

with suffering. I draw on the work of Ericker (1995) and Daya (2001) as I discuss

each in turn.

According to Ericker (1995) Buddhists believe life means suffering

(Dukkha) —Impermanence:

Buddhists believe that to live means to suffer; we live in the world of

imperfection and impermanence. During our lifetime, we inevitably have
to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old
age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering
like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although
there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive
experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as
ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and
incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means
we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just hold on
to happy moments. (p. 36)

Daya (2001) explained that life consists of suffering from two sources of

pain. The first source inevitably occurs with life and accompanies the cycle of

life events such as birth, sickness, old age, and death. The second source is based

on individuals’ own likes, dislikes, and preferences. If they are unable to obtain

their desires, they will be stuck with dissatisfaction. The Dalai Lama XIV

(2002b) stated that what we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a

diminishment of pain. This indicates that pleasure, originally, shares the nature of

pain. Temporary happiness is called “suffering of change.” Once the happiness

is diminished, we will experience suffering from it.

Ericker (1995) stated that the happy moments and unhappy moments add

up together to make life’s total experience. The things we want to achieve might

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lie beyond our reach. It is not that the goal we seek at any moment is

inaccessible, but the achievement of this goal does not confer the happiness we

sought through it. We cannot fulfill ourselves with our on-going needs, desires,

and expectations by changing the world. The world is subject to change. Change

is inevitable and necessary. Change is a condition of impermanence, and

impermanence prevents the possibility of anything abiding. Thich Nhat Hanh

(2002) summarized the nature of life as taught by the Buddha: “When conditions

are sufficient things manifest. When conditions are no longer sufficient things

withdraw. They wait until the moment is right for them to manifest again” (p. 3).

In Buddhism, birth and death are notions—they are not real. The fact that

we think they are true forms a powerful illusion which causes our suffering.

There is nothing that remains unchanged from moment to moment. In

impermanence, things are always transforming. Understanding impermanence

ignites our passion for further exploring our hidden potentials. Change and

impermanence have a positive aspect: everything is possible.

Ericker (1995) conveyed that the origin of suffering (Samudaya) is

attachment:

The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance

thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that
surround us, but also ideas, desires, expectations and all objects of our
perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is
attached to impermanent things. The roots for suffering are craving and
clinging. Since the objects of our attachment are transient, the losses
associated with the objects are inevitable. Suffering will soon follow
when our expectations are not met. The Buddha’s teaching emphasizes
the fact that life does not have to move constantly between desire and
aversion. Desire inevitably leads to aversion. The worldly happiness is
nothing more than a passing sensation. (p. 38)

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 After identifying the extent of suffering, we need to discover its sources.

The doctrines of Buddha’s teachings explain very clearly the causes of human

suffering. Daya (2001) explained that the core of the second principle is that

suffering is caused by the individual’s belief in a persistent and unchanging self.

The world does not hold a permanent identity, and so the individual is

impermanent. The Dalai Lama XIV (2002b) explained that the root of lust and

hatred is ignorance of the true nature of all living beings. Ignorance in this

context is not expressed as knowledge but a consciousness that creates a

misconception of the truth. Ericker (1995) emphasized that we are living in the

world of the ceaseless rhythm of nature. Resisting this is our attachment to the

fiction that we are each abiding entities. Our ignorance results from the

frustration this fiction entails. Ericker suggested that letting go of this by seeing

through this delusion is the path to liberation.

Thich Nhat Hanh (2002) stated that Buddhism emphasizes emptiness.

Emptiness means that we are not a separate self. We are made up of other parts.

He explains that all of these parts are interconnected and interdependent when

conditions are sufficient and manifested. This relationship is called inter-being.

We suffer because we are sometimes under the illusion that conditions are

“stabilized” and unchanging, and we become attached to the moments when these

conditions which appear not to be changing are favorable to us. Smith (1998)

stated that change is threatening because we have no way of knowing how likely

we are to be altered. We then constantly resist changes until we have more

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certainty of what the outcome will be, and only then are we willing to surrender

ourselves to it.

Ericker (1995) recounted how the cessation of suffering (Nirodha) is

attainable:

Nirodha means to control. This principle emphasizes the controlling of

sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth
expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by rotting out our
attachments. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment.
It results in a state called Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all
worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. (p. 50)

In order to overcome suffering, we need to understand the true nature of

persons and objects. Daya (2001) stated that the third Noble Truth is to learn to

release ourselves from uneasiness. Seeing reality as it is requires that we see the

divisions placed around people, things, and ideas as boundaries that we need to

detach ourselves from. Ericker (1995) explained that, from the Buddhist point of

view, self-delusion cannot result in the contentment that is achieved by the

extinguishment of clinging. Nirvana involves overcoming the obstacle of

attachment to sensuality, ill-will, worry, and wavering. The individual neither

judges, evaluates, nor concretizes the perceptual process or the object of

perceptions as holding a particular existence.

Ericker (1995) went on to describe the path to the cessation of suffering

(Magga):

Buddhists believe in a path to the end of all suffering—a gradual path of

self-improvement, which is described in more detail in the Eightfold Path.
It is known as the “middle way” which avoids the two extremes of
excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification
(asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The path to the
end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every
individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance,

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 delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on
the path of enlightenment. (p. 54)

The Eightfold Path is more than a set of moral guidelines; it also outlines

the ethical conduct, mental disciplines, and wisdom of pursuing a meaningful life

with purity of mind, calm, and insight:

• Right understanding

• Right intention

• Right speech

• Right action

• Right livelihood

• Right effort

• Right mindfulness

• Right concentration (Ericker, 1995, p. 54)

Daya (2001) explained that following the Fourth Noble Truths, as a path,

essentially requires giving up clinging to ideas as realities of experience.

According to the Buddha, it requires the alignment of eight specific factors:

understanding, thought, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, and

concentration. These factors comprise the eightfold path to enlightenment.

Easwaran (1985) relayed that the Buddha’s teachings on the eightfold path could

be summarized as: “Right understanding is seeing life as it is” (p. 44). It is the

knowledge “that all things come into being and have to pass away” (p. 45). Right

[intention] purpose means the ability to realize that life is about “learning to live”

(p. 45). “Right speech, right action, and right occupation [livelihood] . . . mean

living in harmony with the unity of life” (p. 45). Right effort, mindfulness, and

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concentration are the components of mental discipline and development. “Right

effort is the constant endeavor to train oneself in thought, word, and action” (p.45)

through meditative practices. Right [concentration] attention means keeping the

mind focused on the present moment so as to be mindful “where it should be” (p.

46). The root of these eight guidelines is mindfulness. “Right [mindfulness]

meditation is the means of training the mind” (p.46). Mindfulness is awareness

without judgment, attachment, or aversion to what is happening in the present

moment.

The Dalai Lama XIV (2002b) explained that the first two noble truths

apply to the impure phenomena that we want to dispose of, the true sufferings.

The true sources, true causes, and effects of suffering are what we want to

abandon. The final two noble truths are the pure states that we want to attain

through the cessation of suffering. The effects on the true path will be happiness,

which we want to adopt.

Buddhism emphasizes that changes are inevitable, by clinging to

attachments (people, objects, ideas, accomplishments, habits, addictions, or

memories) we will not be able to fully diminish the roots of unhappiness (Lama

Surya Das, 2003). Buddhists often use the word clinging as a synonym for

holding on. There are legitimate reasons for us to hold on to something in order

to live in an orderly society. However, mindlessly and rigidly holding on to an

illusion will limit our freedom to vary from habitual patterns or behaviors.

Lama Surya Das (2003) stated that people take the self-concept very

rigidly. We suffer because we cling to the belief in a self; things are permanent,

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and what we believe are always true and lastingly exist. Mindfulness comes from

a highly developed awareness of our physical and verbal actions. If we pay close

attention to our conduct while we perform daily chores—such as eating, sitting,

and walking—stronger conditions of mindfulness will gradually be developed.

Practicing Buddhism means transforming our attitudes. “Training the mind” or

“transforming the mind” implies inner disciplines (The Dalai Lama XIV, 2000).

The objective of transforming our mind is to seek happiness.

Mindfulness

Kumar (2005) described mindfulness as the act of being aware of the

present moment. Because mindfulness is constantly evolving, it provides the

capacity to always be in a new experience, no matter how long we have been

acquainted with it. Kumar suggested that by practicing mindfulness, we can

experience grief as a purposeful and meaningful journey. To grieve mindfully

can help us to transform the intensity and distress of grief into a positive outcome

with lasting influence in our lives. The practice of mindfulness helps us to stay

present, one moment at a time, when we are faced with many uncertainties about

the future.

Kumar (2005) emphasized that our whole world changes when we grieve.

Undergoing this process mindfully allows us to engage in the transformation

consciously. By grieving mindfully and appreciating the life-changing power of

suffering and loss, we will begin to have a different outlook on our lives. The

transformation of grief signifies that we can use life’s challenges to grow and to

become a better person. Hardship and suffering deepen our experience of life.

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We might not have a choice in avoiding our suffering, but we can choose to

transform it into something meaningful in our lives.

Krishnamurti (1992/2005) commented that what matters is how we live

now—not what our beliefs are, but what we are and what we do. Krishnamurti

further stated that to be free of fear is to live completely in the present, which

means that we are not functioning mechanically based on the habits of memory.

Fear exists because of the desire to hold on to what is known. The known is the

past living in the present and modifying the future. To live in the present is to be

without despair, because there is no yearning after the past and there is no hope in

the future. It does not avoid the past or blind itself to the future: “today is enough

for me.”

“Mindfulness is attention” is a non-judging and respectful awareness

(Kornfield, 2008, p. 96). However, most of us do not attend to awareness in this

manner. We continue to react, judge, or ignore what is happening. We evaluate

and compare ourselves and others with a stream of expectations, commentary, and

criticism. Mindful attention to any experience is liberating. Mindfulness brings

perspective, balance, and freedom to our lives. It is an open inquiry into what is

painful, resentful, pleasurable, blissful, shameful, and regrettable, without judging

whether it is right or wrong. The first step of healing our suffering and the

transformation of the human experience is clearly seeing and deeply accepting

what is. This is followed by an inner transformation, and finally by the need to

acknowledge the consequences of our actions.

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 Right Mindfulness focuses on letting go (Lama Surya Das, 2003). Letting

go means letting things come and go by and just letting them be. To let go is to

cultivate self-awareness. We need to become conscious and aware of all the

attachments (to people, possessions, habits, and expectations) that we cling to.

Think about how attached we are and why we hold on and control all of the things

that we try to, and how this affects all aspects of our lives. By letting go, we have

the opportunity to take up a new way of life.

Lama Surya Das (2003) stated that we should let go of the negative and

pick up something more positive, wholesome, and beneficial. For example, when

we let go of a destructive thought or habit and we assume a healthier lifestyle.

We let go of anger in favor or love, compassion, and kindness. He further

emphasized:

Since everything depends on our mind, more than our body, cultivating a
well-tamed, stable and concentrated mind can bring us the serenity and
spiritual realization we seek, as well as providing extraordinary feelings of
bliss, infinite peace, harmony, and incandescent awareness. (p. 132)

Ram Dass (2000) clarified that letting go of personal history does not

mean denying it. It means not allowing past experiences to direct how we live the

present moment. Mindfulness is embracing the past into the present; our minds

are able to enter the awareness of the past with no clinging or judgment.

Lama Surya Das (2003) commented that all heroes have a common trait:

they do not run away from their fears, they confront and conquer their terrors.

That does not mean that they are not afraid. When heroes face difficulties, they

make courageous choices and decisions. They rely on their inner capacity to

acknowledge and face the challenges. Being aware of ourselves and others is

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mindfulness. Mindfulness helps us to settle into the essence of what truly is, just

as it is: breath by breath and moment by moment. Mastery of mind can be

achieved through constant awareness of our thoughts and actions.

Ram Dass (2000) stated that mindfulness practice is an invitation to

become acquainted with our own minds, using the breath as an object of focus.

This is a profound opportunity to spend more quality time with ourselves and to

understand the power of our mind, learning to be mindful of our physical and

mental states, and to be compassionate. If we are unable to find compassion for

ourselves, we will not be able to find it for others.

Yeganch (2006) defined mindfulness as a state in which an individual is:

(a) aware and accepting of changes in momentary experiences based on present

centered awareness, (b) aware of and flexible with cognitive patterns or

categories, and (c) in control of attention in the moment to scan for new

information, resulting in more available resources for a wider variety of

cognitions and behaviors. Mindfulness is both a state and a process. In order to

maintain conceptual clarity, mindfulness is referred to as a state (p. 6). However,

there are differences in people’s propensity to experience this state. Yeganch

suggested that one can develop a mindful practice to enhance this propensity.

Levine and Levine (1995) suggested that mindfulness teaches us to trust

our life. The capacity to see clearly what is happening while it is happening

allows us to experience our life directly. This moment-by-moment attentiveness

allows us to meet pleasure and pain in the mind and body, and participate without

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fear. Seeing things as they are, the process of consciousness floats in clear

awareness. Gradually, awareness may be experienced directly.

Acceptance

Kübler-Ross (1999) stated that negativity can only feed on negativity, and

if it does it will then continue to grow. We all have the choice to accept the

reality that there are “bad” things that happen to us which cannot be changed.

What we can change is what we are going to make of the bad things that have

happened.

Lief (2001) described acceptance as a tender and gentle process of

opening our hearts to others, ourselves, and to our common ground of suffering.

Kindness begins at this immediate and personal level of experience. By

cultivating an attitude of acceptance, we can lessen our fear, suffering, and

tension, and also that of the people around us.

Levine (1979/1989) explained that the more we accept ourselves, the more

we fully experience the world. Fear, anger, and loneliness are just passing states

of mind. While they may be painful to acknowledge, recognition of their

presence, fully and with compassion, is accepting all that we are. O’Kelly (2006)

commented that to die in peace we must accept that we are dying. If we can

conquer our fear, we conquer our death. When we are motivated by fear, we are

not able to see the best path, whether in death or in life.

Hansard (2001) stated that the one thing everyone needs on their spiritual

journey is the quality of acceptance. This is the greatest survival tool; it enables

adaptability, patience, and a good sense of humor. These three qualities make our

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lives enjoyable, give perspective to our experiences, and help us to assess and

treasure our vitality. Acceptance refers to a non-judgmental attitude towards

experiences as they occur (Hayes, 2004).

Kingsbury (2009) noted that acceptance involves refraining from elaborate

thoughts when considering another’s situation, thus resulting in a more genuine

understanding of that person’s unique experience. In this way, acceptance is

unlike the personal distress dimensions of empathy, which involves high levels of

reactivity and distress to others’ emotional experiences.

The Dalai Lama XIV (The Dalai Lama XIV & Cutler, 1998) stated that his

approach to human suffering includes a belief in the possibilities of freedom from

suffering, but starts with accepting suffering as a natural fact of human existence,

and courageously facing our problems head-on (p. 136).

Thich Nhat Hanh (2002) suggested that to allow ourselves to accept others

as they are, we need to begin with ourselves. Boerstler & Kornfeld (1995) stated

that to live we must go through continual change, and we are transformed by what

we accept; we transform what we have accepted by assimilating it. We are

transformed by the act of giving, and we contribute to the transformation of others

by what we are giving.

Venerable Hsing Yun (2003) explained that one of the key principles in

Buddhism is the acceptance of constant changes in the world. If we accept

‘change’ as a natural and essential part of life, we will not view setbacks as signs

of failure. Instead, we will view these setbacks as learning lessons and

opportunities to make constant progress.

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 Smith (1998) stated that most people have been taught from childhood that

they must change themselves to fit the expectations of others. Over time, our

personality will be isolated from our consciousness. We will then be left with the

emptiness of being a different person from who we naturally are. The more we

strive to please other people, the more we distance ourselves from our own voice.

A sense of unworthiness will emerge to create a mask to cover our natural selves.

An enormous amount of effort is spent to create a personality or an image that

will be widely accepted in society. We hold on to that “perfect” image and we

refuse to allow that to change. We feel diminished when we have to give up what

we perceive as important areas of our identity. In the end, we lose our true selves

and lack self-acceptance. To achieve self-acceptance, we have to let go of the

idea of how we should be and surrender to the fullness of our humanity. Our

humanity requires us to let go of the baggage of our ideals and thoughts that

distance us from being natural. To be fully human is to understand the influence

of fear. Smith believed that fear collects in the areas of our life where we are

ignorant and have little clarity. Fear alerts us to the things we need to heal. From

a positive perspective, fear provides an opportunity for us to stay alert as we

approach potential growth.

Kumar (2005) believed that acceptance of loss is a gradual and

constructive process that begins with closure. Acceptance is a path, not a goal.

Acceptance facilitates the reconstruction of meaning. We seek meaning for an

understanding of what we are experiencing, and we actively reconstruct our world

to accommodate the changes we have experienced and continue to go through.

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The empowerment that comes from realizing the active role we play in the

construction of our world is harnessing the transformational power of grief.

Kumar stated that by allowing, accepting, and embracing our feelings as an

individual part of ourselves, we move closer to self-actualization.

Compassion

From a Buddhist perspective, compassion is the wish that others should be

free of suffering (The Dalai Lama XIV, 2000). Compassion is expressed at two

levels. The lower level of compassion is simply a wish: just wanting others to be

free of suffering. At the higher level, the emotion goes beyond a mere wish and

includes the added dimension of actually doing something about the suffering of

others. Real compassion is to be kind to ourselves and to extend that same

kindness to every sentient being.

Thich Nhat Hanh (2003) stated that a Buddhist’s daily practice is a

training to accept suffering and to learn to transform that suffering in hope, love,

and compassion. He further explained that compassion is already present in our

hearts and minds in the form of seeds. Daily practice can cultivate these seeds

into flowers of compassion so they can manifest every day for the happiness and

wellbeing of ourselves and everyone around us.

The Dalai Lama XIV (2000) explained that there are three different levels

of compassion. At the initial stage, compassion is simply the wish to see other

sentient beings freed from suffering. At the second stage, the wish is

strengthened by insight into the transient nature of existence. The object of

compassion does not exist permanently. Finally, at the third stage, compassion is

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described as “non-objectifying compassion” (p. 61). It is the most powerful type

of compassion; it enables us to engage with another person without objectifying

them and without clinging to the notion that they have any absolute reality or

identity. This level of compassion, according to Longaker (1997), is also known

as “universal compassion” or “profound compassion” (p. 61).

Ordinary compassion is limited and conditional and comes from a

dualistic perspective: there is a “me”-feeling-compassion-for-“you” relationship.

Profound compassion is based on the recognition that all beings are in essence the

same. Since we are all directly or indirectly connected, all beings are worthy of

love and respect. When we recognize all other beings as our own kind, as sentient

beings like we are, we wish to see others enjoy happiness, and then we cultivate

compassion, which is the wish for others to be free of suffering.

The relationship between love and compassion is inseparable. Cultivating

an attitude of compassion and developing wisdom are slow processes. “To

develop the practice of compassion to its fullest extent, one must practice

patience” (The Dalai Lama XIV, 2002b, p. 75). The Dalai Lama XIV further

explained that enemies provide us some of the best opportunities to practice

patience, tolerance, and compassion. For a practitioner of love and compassion,

an enemy is one of the most important teachers. Without an enemy we cannot

practice tolerance, and therefore we cannot establish a sound basis of compassion.

The Dalai Lama XIV (2002b) suggested that through the practice of

compassion and kindness, we will come to our own peace of mind. If we practice

more kindness and tolerance, we will find more peace and be able to extend

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peacefulness to other people around us. He further explained compassion as the

key to achieving a deeper level of morality (p. 21). We cannot help others if we

do not have the right attitudes and are not in a better position ourselves.

In Buddhism, the practice of compassion is not limited to a specific group

of sentient beings. Genuine compassion should be cultivated toward all sentient

beings regardless of their backgrounds. This is to remind us that all sentient

beings want happiness, not suffering. According to the Dalai Lama XIV (1997b),

a special way of remembering the kindness of others is to reflect that sentient

beings have been kind and beneficial to us not only because they have been our

friends and relatives, but because they are related to us directly and indirectly in

so many ways. The more we can cultivate a mind that wishes to benefit other

sentient beings, the greater we can benefit from cultivating peace, compassion,

and happiness within ourselves. Once we have obtained inner peace, we will be

ready to contribute to the peace, compassion, and happiness of others.

Transforming our minds and cultivating a positive attitude is the most significant

source of happiness. The Dalai Lama XIV has suggested that maintaining a

positive attitude gives us the opportunity to remain relaxed, to become

courageous, and to keep our spirits up.

Thich Nhat Hanh (1991) explained that love is a mind that brings peace,

joy, and happiness to another person. Compassion is a mind that removes

suffering that is present in the other. The essence of love and compassion is

“understanding.” It is an ability to recognize the physical, material, and

psychological suffering of others. When we are in direct contact with another’s

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suffering, a feeling of compassion will emerge. Compassion means “to suffer

with.”

Thich Nhat Hanh (2001) described compassion as the antidote for anger

and bitterness. Compassion alone can protect us from being irritated, angry, or

despairing. Compassion can be nourished through the practice of mindful

listening and breathing. Thich Nhat Hanh (2003) explained compassionate

listening as not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what

has happened in the past. To listen mindfully is to give the other person an

opportunity to speak out and suffer less. Mindful breathing generates the energy

of mindfulness: a desire to help the other person speak out. Facing and dealing

with suffering can strengthen our compassion and our ability to recognize

happiness when it is there. If we have not encountered suffering, we will not be

able to know what real happiness is.

Forgiveness

Buddhist psychology offers specific teachings and practices for

redemption and the development of forgiveness (Kornfield, 2008). Similar to the

practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. In

Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not a moral code. It is a way to end suffering

by bringing dignity and harmony to our lives. By practicing forgiveness, we go

through the stages of rage, grief, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves

feel the pain, forgiveness comes as a relief and a release for our heart at the end.

Forgiveness is the process that puts an end to unfinished business (Levine

& Levine, 1995), and is a powerful tool for transformation. It has the capacity to

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lift painful resentments and allows us greater breadth of movement. It is a letting

go of density around the heart. Longaker (1997) explained that forgiveness does

not mean that we condone or accept another person’s harmful acts. It releases our

reactions of hurt, anger, or fear. When we can let go of our immediate reactions

and respond with forgiveness, love, and compassion, we will be able to break the

harmful pattern that creates a painful memory. Forgiveness frees us from

suffering. Confronting our past suffering, learning to accept, forget, and heal, will

help us soften our hearts and deepen our connection to the truths of our spiritual

path.

Brahm (2004) suggested that forgiveness is loving ourselves. It is a

practice to step free from the prison of guilt and be at peace. Only when we love

ourselves in such a way can we know what it means to really love another

equally, no more and no less. Forgiveness also means letting go of bad qualities

that are part of the problem—not dwelling on them but moving on.

To forgive does not mean to accept bad behavior. When we forgive, we

release ourselves from the binds of hatred and hurt (Kessler, 1997/2000). On the

other hand, forsaking forgiveness is an open wound. Forgiving ourselves is as

essential a part of spiritual growth as forgiving others. Most people are harsh

with themselves and remember all the things they have done wrong. Holding on

to grudges forces us to live in unhappiness. Kessler also stated that we want to

forgive ourselves and others so we can die whole.

The Dalai Lama XIV and Cutler (1998) commented on the fact that

Buddhism pays a lot of attention to our enemies. Hatred is the greatest stumbling

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block to the development of compassion and happiness. If we can develop

patience and tolerance toward our enemies, then compassion will begin to flow

naturally. The real transformation is an inner one. It is from our unkindness

toward others, as manifested in our judging and blaming others to cover our pain

and suffering, that we live with a closed heart (Bayda, 2008). This happens when

we have chosen to live as a victim, insisting on claiming we are right and putting

others down. If we examine situations more closely, we will realize that our

anger is being used as a weapon to avoid feeling remorse for our own actions to

others. Once we are able to become aware of our pain and also that of other

sentient beings, genuine compassion will emerge naturally.

Goldberg (2009) stated, “If you hold on to the past, grasping onto what no

longer exists, you will create havoc for yourself and others. But if you let go, a

whole new world is right there—no longer hidden by your memories” (p. 56).

Forgiveness is redemptive, and it is not necessary in a religious sense except to

remove an obstacle that makes our life journey more difficult.

Ram Dass (2000) explained that if we do not practice forgiveness, we end

up stuck with old grievances. It is an attachment to the abuse that creates our

problems, even after the actual abuse has long stopped. By learning how to

grieve, we can leave the past behind and come into the present moment.

Buddhist Psychotherapies

I am drawn to the relevance and effectiveness of applying Buddhist

psychology in the approach of Western psychotherapies. Buddhism and

psychotherapy have both demonstrated common goals and values: to alleviate

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human suffering and achieve inner peace (Beinorius, 2010; Groeger & Trenkler,

2005; Hardy, 1996). As stated in the Fourth Noble Truths—the path to cessation

of suffering—Buddhist psychology addresses how we can fundamentally solve

the root causes of our suffering that we face in our daily lives, and how we can

achieve and maintain a peaceful mental state of mind.

Over the last few decades, Buddhism has become a subject of intense

study and research in both Asian and Western countries (Virtbauer, 2008).

Buddhism is about making whole, connecting, and re-linking, which is the

ultimate goal of its religious practices. However, anyone who wants to achieve

this goal does not require adherence to Buddhist doctrines or beliefs. Buddhist

teachings encourage each person to test reality for themselves by offering a wide

range of practical interventions to cure a broad variety of spiritual and psychic

issues (Hardy, 1996).

Lee (1997) noted that an increasing number of psychologists have begun

to explore the possibilities of integrating Buddhist principles and techniques in

therapeutic contexts. This trend is made evident by an increasing number of

Asian clients who are Buddhists and non-Asian clients who are merely interested

in experimenting with alternative healing methods. Bloom (1995) suggested:

Buddhism contributes to mental and physical health through encouraging

the development of a unified and centered personal approach to our life
affairs. It assists the wellbeing of the body through the body-mind
synthesis in which the physical elements and the psychological and
spiritual dimensions are all part of a dynamic interrelation. In the West,
we are prone to distinguish flesh and body, matter and spirit, body and
soul, etc. However, Buddhism sees things as a process in which all
features of existence are interdependent and ultimately one. (p. 3)

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With respect to the clients’ religious and spiritual backgrounds, application of

Buddhist psychotherapy does not need to preach religious doctrines or perform

ceremonial rituals in order to attain the goals of identifying the clients’ problems

and providing solutions to bring happiness and lasting contentment back to their

lives.

Buddhist psychotherapy is a hybrid discipline from the union of Western

psychology and Buddhist psychology. It emerged in the 1970s, largely resulting

from a meeting in India between Western psychologists and Buddhist Tibetan

spiritual leaders in exile (Sherwood, 2005). This encounter opened an exciting

dialogue and profound opportunities between Western and Buddhist psychologies

to co-present in the Mind-Science lecture series undertaken since 1990.

Sherwood indicated that the core value of Buddhist psychotherapy is the notion of

inter-being. This involves being conscious of the connectedness of all living

beings, making skillful decisions and practicing positive mental thought states,

cultivating an awareness of the impact on other sentient beings, and valuing the

present moment.

Virtbauer (2008) stated that there are three approaches that link Buddhism

to psychotherapy in practice. The first approach is to present and explore parts of

Buddhist teachings as a psychology. Buddhism is not merely a religion based on

faith and ritual worship; it is a system of inquiry into the human mind. Buddhism

provides an insight into understanding and analyzing the basic human process of

perception and experience while also inquiring into the potential and hidden

capacities of the human mind. Buddhism is rooted in cultural and societal

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circumstances, and has developed a psychological system with certain

fundamental principles to ease suffering. These provide opportunities to create

dialogue with Western psychological approaches to identify universal claims,

building on research of human experience and behavior. The second approach is

the integration of parts of Buddhist teachings in already existing

psychotherapeutic practices. An integration of Buddhist mindfulness and

acceptance techniques has been received as an advancement of psychotherapy.

There are several schools of psychotherapy embraced by Eastern thought

in their practices, for example: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT),

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive

Therapy (MBCT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Naikan

Therapy.

Mindfulness means that the mind is present and embodied in everyday

experience. Mindfulness techniques are designed to lead the mind back from its

preoccupations and abstract attitudes to the situation of one’s experience itself. I

provide a brief overview of these Eastern oriented psychotherapies and their

contributions in Chapter Six.

As noted by Virtbauer (2008) the third approach is an active integration of

the knowledge from social sciences into the Buddhist system. It is known as

Engaged Buddhism or New Buddhism in the West. The core values of Buddhism

such as compassion, interdependency, and loving kindness are applied and

embedded into social programs to address environmental and global issues.

Active engagement in social work such as end of life care, prison work, and

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environmental protection can be driven from a Buddhist connection with social

sciences.

Zen is a sect of Mahayana Buddhism, one of the two schools of Buddhism

being practiced commonly in Northeast Asia. Zen is based on the teaching of

emptiness and conditioning. Zen practice has three prominent goals: a)

developing the strength of concentration, b) strengthening enlightenment/

awakening, and c) deepening of awakening through integration of this experience

into everyday life (Groeger & Trenkler, 2005). Zen practice can be therapeutic

but it is not the same as Western psychotherapies. Therapies might primarily

focus on the shifting of attitudes and behaviors, whereas Zen practices primarily

help people to see reality clearly as it is (Wu Kwang, 1998).

The core value of Zen practices is to return to the nature of truth (Reiho,

1964). To achieve this purpose, Zen therapies provide a re-orientation to the

super-ego by understanding repression and self-constraints (Becker, 1961); Zen

therapists foster a safe environment for their clients to grow and express

themselves. Guided by therapists, the clients become self-aware and self-

responsible to see reality; they are prevented from judging each situation anew

and from distorting it to conform to their past defensive understanding.

My first exposure to death education in 2002 was at the International

Buddhist Progress Society (IBPS) in Hong Kong, a chapter of the Fo Guang Shan

Monastery. The Fo Guang Shan Monastery promotes Humanistic Buddhism,

which is manifesting Engaged Buddhism with an emphasis on the humanities.

The Venerable nun Mun-Chung, who taught the eight-week intensive program,

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successfully integrated three main streams of knowledge into a well-balanced

theory-practice based program: Buddhist teachings, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s

(1969) 5-Stage Grief Model, and end-of-life care techniques. With the

interweaving of Buddhist principles, grief theories, meditation, and practice of

dialogue based role-play activities, I learned the importance of helping the dying

to accept their health situation, bring closure to their unfinished business, and

cultivate positive thoughts to ease their suffering. I found these skills and

techniques very useful as a layman to practice. Subsequently, I applied this

practical knowledge to provide end-of-life care to my dying parents and the

clients I served at Tan Tock Seng Hospital and Dover Park Hospice in Singapore.

Patients under my care provided feedback to me that they felt a sense of

equanimity and inner peace. This compassionate approach to foster a soothing

end stage of life effectively helped dying patients and their family members. I did

not realize until a few years later that the intensive education program and the

techniques I received from IBPS were modified from Buddhist psychotherapies.

Eastern based psychotherapies have distinct views on the developmental

process. In the West, the time span and one’s development processes are

conceived of as linear and finite with a defined beginning and end. Therefore,

innovation and breaking with tradition to effect change and growth have to be

injected into the time intervals accordingly. In contrast, development in the East

consists of successive reconfigurations that are dynamic. They involve

reinterpretation and new uses of traditions instead of merely breaking with old

ones. Progression is viewed as spiral, not as a linear line. This interpretation of

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an Eastern approach is more accurate in capturing the image of progress, whether

the transformation is personal or societal (Hilty, 2010).

Walsh (1999) drew a high level of comparison between psychotherapeutic

systems of Western approaches and Eastern therapies. This was based on the

developmental level of pathologies that they aimed to foster. Western

psychoanalysis focuses primarily on childhood pre-personal/pre-conventional

sources of pathology, and on fostering conventional development. Behavior

therapies look for current “reinforcers” and aim for conventional adjustment.

Western psychotherapy is challenged to meet our need for meaning from past

experiences. Contrarily, Eastern therapies’ contribution is the ability to help with

certain disorders arising in childhood while facilitating conventional adjustment,

aiming primarily for post-conventional growth. Eastern therapies also aim for a

deeper transformation that leads people to reach transpersonal development.

To cope with human suffering from a Buddhist perspective, the

transpersonal development process is summarized as an accommodative

approach: we know it, we own it, we embrace it, we accept it, and we do not

struggle with it. The paradox between Western and Buddhist frameworks are the

distinctive concepts of “change,” the meaning-seeking experience, versus

“acceptance” of the circumstances in freeing oneself from suffering.

Relationship Between Buddhist Psychotherapists and Their Clients

True integration between Buddhism and psychotherapy calls for the

transformation of the mind rather than just the cognitive restructuring of a

situation. This transformation must begin with the therapist. From the Buddhist

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perspective, the therapist is the therapy by virtue of who he or she is rather than

what he or she does (Wong, 2011). Buddhist psychotherapy can provide mutual

benefits to the therapists and the clients at the same time. According to Dr. Mark

Epstein (as cited in Bullard, 2010), a seasoned American psychiatrist who

specializes in Buddhist psychotherapy:

A lot of therapists come to me with an interest in how to use Buddhist

psychology to enhance their work, and often they are thinking much more
concretely about “should I teach my patients to meditate,” “how can I use
Buddhist wisdom to help my patients feel better and help them resolve
their neuroses,” etc. I always feel that the most important way Buddhism
can impact psychotherapy is by helping the therapist. What Buddhism
teaches very practically is a psychotherapeutic attitude: how to deploy
psychotherapeutic attention both intra-psychically within the self and as
well as interpersonally. When you are training as a psychotherapist you
don’t necessary get specific help in how to deploy that kind of attention,
but Buddhism is all about that. So I try to turn it back: “Here, this is for
you.” If you get something from it, maybe you will be able to make it
come alive for your patients. (p. 2)

Buddhist practitioners also make significant use of compassion practices

to transform physical and mental states of suffering and to facilitate the

development of interconnectedness for clients (Sherwood, 2005).

Mechanisms of Buddhist Psychotherapies

Buddhist systems focus on mind training, applying techniques to observe

each thought that arises, reducing harmful thoughts while cultivating beneficial

ones, and resting in the profound peace and clarity that result. It is the projections

of our minds which create our version of reality. Nothing is all good or all bad.

Projections create hatred, prejudice, good, and bad within ourselves, causing us to

assign these unacceptable qualities onto other people. Buddhist principles convey

teachings to reconcile dualistic states of mind. To achieve this, an important

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aspect of mind training involves realizing that much of the learning and

information we acquire comes first through our relationship with ourselves, and

then with other people (Hardy, 1996).

There are three distinct mechanisms found in Buddhist psychotherapy,

they are: calming the mind, dis-identification, and rebalancing mental elements.

Calming the mind involves using meditation and yoga as interventions for

concentrating techniques, and they can bring the mind back from distraction to

calmness and stillness. Dis-identification is a development of awareness to better

observe and not be entrapped in thoughts, emotions, images, or illusions.

Rebalancing mental elements involves understanding that mental contents consist

of both healthy and unhealthy elements. Training will focus on raising and

cultivating awareness of the healthy elements which include mindfulness,

concentration, calm, and equanimity (Walsh, 1999).

In order to achieve all three goals, it is important for the therapists to be

able to listen deeply, speak mindfully, and foster a strong relationship with the

clients by providing opportunities for them to reflect about themselves throughout

the therapy. This will impart knowledge more effectively that will enable clients

to begin to learn how to heal themselves (Hardy, 1996).

Conclusion

This chapter outlined current theories of the psychotherapeutic grief model

and arrived at the conclusion that Western theories can be described as a linear

approach to addressing the changes of the grieving process. These theories have

arrived at a similar or consistent observation, describing the last stage of the

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grieving process as acceptance or reorganization. The person has to come to a

realization, confront the present reality, and move on with his or her daily life.

In order to broaden the frame of references in which psychotherapy may

be approached from a Western perspective, it is important to review Eastern

theories of psychology in addition to the much researched Western perspectives.

By gaining the knowledge of the principles from both the East and the West, we

will be better equipped to understand people from the perspective of their own

culture.

Buddhist psychology has long been established as the oldest and most

sophisticated system in the East for understanding the human mind. By

investigating both Buddhist psychology and Western theories of grief, this study

employs a collaborative approach to bridging both streams of rich resources to

better address the principles of change that result in loss, suffering, grieving, and

the transformative learning experiences that allow individuals to overcome their

challenges. Chapter Three outlines the methodology used to study the

participants’ stories of coping with loss, suffering, and grieving.

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 Chapter Three: Methodology

Research Philosophy

My research question is: “How do actions derived from Buddhist

principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing the challenges of

change?” Qualitative research, a situated activity that locates the observer in the

world, is the most appropriate and preferred approach to satisfy the purpose of

this inquiry. It consists of a set of interpretive and material practices that make

the world visible. These practices transform the world, turning it into a series of

representations including field notes, interviews, and conversations. Qualitative

researchers study things in their natural settings, attempting to make sense of, or

interpret, phenomena in terms of the meanings people bring to them (Denzin &

Lincoln, 2000).

Quantitative approaches can measure a greater sample of participants with

a limited set of questions to provide broad and generalized findings, whereas

qualitative approaches facilitate the study of issues in depth and detail with a

much smaller number of participants. The intensity of the cases and situations

studied increase while at the same time reducing generalization (Patton, 2002).

There are three dimensions of an interpretive qualitative study: (a) how

people interpret their experiences, (b) how they construct their worlds, and (c)

what meaning they attribute to their experiences (Merriam & Associates, 2002).

In summary, the object of a basic qualitative study is to uncover and interpret the

meanings of how people make sense of their lives and their worlds.

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 The overall objective of this study is to understand how people transform

their lives from their experiences. Interpretive qualitative study endeavors to

present a holistic, in-depth description of the research. As a researcher, I will

have the opportunity to understand the meanings people have constructed about

their world and their experience. In the words of Patton (2002):

Qualitative research is an effort to understand situations in their

uniqueness as part of a particular context and the interactions there. This
understanding is an end in itself, so that it is not attempting to predict what
may happen in the future necessarily, but to understand the nature of that
setting—what it means for participants to be in that setting, what their
lives are like, what’s going on for them, what their meanings are, what the
world looks like in that particular setting. The analysis strives for depth of
understanding. (p. 1)

This research methodology provides an excellent opportunity to elaborate on the

participants’ unique stories. These rich and profound transformative learning

experiences identify common themes in the application of Buddhist psychology

which alleviate suffering that has resulted from the challenges of change.

Paradigms are models or conceptual frameworks which give a unified

perspective over a range of experiences. Their usefulness is tied to their capacity

to explain and to help us understand why events occur as they do. Without

paradigms our experience would lack structure and significance (Woodhouse,

1996). A paradigm includes four concepts: axiology or ethics, epistemology,

ontology, and methodology. Axiology is a study of moral principles and behavior

and of the nature of the good. It asks the question: How will I be a moral person

in the world? Epistemology is the study of knowledge. Knowledge in this

context is truth and justified belief, which is the opposite of opinion.

Epistemology asks the questions: How do we obtain knowledge? How can we

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verify it? What is the relationship between the knower and the known? Ontology

is a study of the nature of reality and the nature of the human being in the world.

It asks the questions: What is real? What do we believe about the nature of

reality? Methodology focuses on the best means for gaining knowledge about the

world. It raises the question: How should we study the world? (Denzin &

Lincoln, 2000; Patton, 2002).

According to Patton (2002) qualitative research enables the researcher to

have an insider’s perspective, to draw deeply on his or her own experiences to

identify, distinguish, and elaborate three primary processes that contribute to the

development of a relationship with the topic of inquiry: “being-in,” “being-for,”

and “being-with.” Being-in involves immersing oneself in another’s world:

listening deeply and attentively so as to enter into the other person’s experience

and perception. Being-for involves taking a stand in support of the other person,

being there for them. Being-with involves being present as one’s own person in

relation to another person, bringing one’s own knowledge and experience into the

relationship.

Narrative Analysis

Narrative analysis, or narratology, expands and enriches the scope of

qualitative research to include in-depth interview transcripts, life histories,

historical memoirs, quotations, introspective reflections, and creative non-fiction

(Patton, 2002). It illuminates the process of moving from being-in to being-for

and ultimately being-with.

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 Narrative analysis, as a strand of qualitative research, focuses on the “self”

for data collection and data analysis. Its approach is structured by three central

theoretical goals. First, it is concerned with using individual lives as the primary

source of data. Second, it is concerned with using narratives of the “self” as a

location from which the researcher can generate social critique and advocacy.

Third, narrative analysis is concerned with deconstructing the “self” as a humanist

concept, allowing for non-unitary conceptions of the self (Bloom, 1998).

The importance of narrative analysis is how each narrative offers a means

for the researcher to construct the act of narrating self-stories. The task of the

narrative researcher is to make sense of the telling rather than the tale. This is

done by recording and interpreting how an individual has lived and made meaning

about his or her life, and by creating an interpretive text that explains how and

why individuals construct stories about themselves to serve particular purposes

and fulfill particular needs brought on by social positions and personal desires

(Bloom, 1998).

The key of narrative analysis is the use of stories as data, and more

significantly the first-person accounts of experience told in story form. Taking

the lens of the story teller to provide the context that reveals someone’s

experiences, narratives take many forms, are told in many settings, before many

audiences, and with various degrees of connection to actual events or persons.

Narratives are first-person accounts of experiences that are in story format.

The story is a basic communicative and meaning-making device pervasive in

human experience. Recognition that stories are powerful tools for understanding

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is not limited to the world of research. Storytelling has found its way into

therapy, education, and even the workplace (Merriam & Associates, 2002). The

growing popularity of narrative as a means of accessing human action and

experience has been accompanied by discussions as to how to best tell people’s

stories and the role of the researcher in the process. The first-person account of

experience form the narrative “text” of this research approach; it is interwoven

with autobiography, life history, interview, journal, letters, or other materials that

we collect to compose the life stories. The text is then analyzed via the

techniques of a particular discipline or perspective.

The stories are constructed and analyzed through themes, structures, and

interpretive perspectives. The stories are preserved with the participants’

meanings. In this sense, the story is always co-authored, either directly in the

process of an interviewer or indirectly through representing and transforming

others’ texts and discourses.

Pelicci (2006) stated that the significance of narrative is not only to be

powerful and transforming for the individuals who are sharing the stories, but also

for those who are listening to them. These stories connect us to our own histories

by providing a tapestry rich with threads of time, place, character, and strong

insight about what we might do with our lives.

Participant Selection

The participants were selected from a small international group of

individuals who were previously known to me. They all met the following

criteria:

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 (a) they embodied spirituality and interconnected body-mind-spirit in daily

practices;

(b) they applied Buddhist psychology in resolving and lessening their

suffering;

(c) they were willing and capable of reflecting on their grieving process

and practices, and could relate them to coping from a grief model and /

or Buddhist perspective;

(d) they had committed to daily practices such as meditation, self-

reflection, yoga, or any other self-improvement or enrichment

activities; and

(e) they had suffered from one or more personal losses such as a life

threatening health problem, a serious emotional challenge, or financial

adversity within the last three to five years.

Eight participants were required for this research. The number eight was

recommended by the dissertation committee because it is a significant yet small

enough sample size for narrative research, ensuring that their contributions would

not be over generalized while allowing for rich data to be presented for each

participant. I identified 12 eligible individuals who met all five criteria. At the

end, only eight of them showed enthusiasm and accepted my invitation to

participate in this research.

Prior to the interview process, I conducted an informal investigation with

each participant by having an unscripted conversation to evaluate their life

experiences and assess whether they met all of the established criteria. I then

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explained the purpose of my research to them. Prior to ending the conversations,

I inquired about their interest in participating in this research and provided further

logistical details for the interview.

I followed the procedures to obtain institutional review board approval

from the California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS) and provided each

potential participant with an informed consent form prior to beginning the

research (See Appendix A).

Minimizing risks is critical to protect the participants, as well as the

faculty at CIIS. I identified two potential risks and conveyed corrective actions to

reduce these risks to the participants. To ensure confidentiality, the participants’

full identity was not to be disclosed without their written approval, and they have

been assigned pseudonyms for use in the dissertation. The risk of

misinterpretation of their meanings has been minimized by asking the participants

to review and validate the transcripts from the audio recordings of their

interviews.

I indicated on the consent forms that if concerns arose due to the sensitive

topics being discussed during the interviews, a referral to a psychotherapist,

licensed in California as a Marriage and Family Therapist, was available to any

participant who needed further support. Furthermore, a “general screening and

referral session” on the telephone of fifty minutes in length was available to each

of the eight participants free-of-charge for up to ninety days after the date of their

interview. This complimentary session was fully funded by the researcher.

Discussion with the psychotherapist would also remain strictly confidential. The

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participants were informed that long distance phone charges incurred for

obtaining this service would not be covered by the researcher. None of the

participants informed me that they required this professional consulting session

after their interviews.

The Participants

The life experiences of these eight participants were identified on the

Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale (“Holmes and Rahe,” n.d.), adopted as a

preliminary assessment tool to ascertain suitable participants. This scale

measures events that can contribute to illnesses and scores ranging from 11 to 100

are assigned to a list of 43 life events. To measure stress, the numbers of life

changing units were tabulated based on the sub total of the participants’ life

events. The final score provided a rough estimate of how these stresses could

affect their health. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, with scores

below 150 there is only a slight risk of illness; with scores between 150 to 299 the

risk of illness is moderate; and with a score above 300 the risk of illness is high.

Below is a brief profile of the eight participants of this research.

Linda is a young Singaporean mother who has breast cancer. At one point

she was my colleague in Singapore, and I have known her more than four years. I

have witnessed her life journey from the day she joined our company to present.

She has shared with me the stories of her emotional and physical challenges in

coping with her illness and loss of employment due to unethical human resources

practices. Linda’s life changing events totaled 218 on the stress scale. She is

currently applying alternative (non-conventional) medical treatment to cope with

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her cancer. I contacted Linda via email and invited her to participate in my

research.

Gordon is a middle-aged gay man who is a senior executive living in

Canada. He has dealt with the sudden death of his partner who suffered from

alcoholism and substance abuse. Gordon’s life changing events totaled 288 on

the stress scale. He has been a personal friend for over 15 years. After I learned

about his journey in coping with his greatest loss, I contacted him and asked if he

would participate in my research.

Jung is a young Korean acupuncturist who lives in Canada. Jung quickly

established a profession in the music industry in Korea after completing his

undergraduate degree. This career success could not compensate for the sense of

emptiness and confusion he felt from living in the traditional society of Korea.

Jung was deeply disturbed by the social stigma of his sexual orientation. After he

immigrated to Canada, Jung still felt the stigma as he could not abandon the

negative feelings while interacting with Korean people in Canada. Jung’s life

changing events totaled 223 on the stress scale. He was referred to me by a

mutual friend who conveyed his story to me. I contacted Jung and inquired if he

was interested in participating in my study.

Alex, a young man from Singapore, has had to deal with bankruptcy due

to being defrauded by his best friend. I have known Alex for four years since a

professional assignment in Singapore. He is a self-employed massage therapist.

Alex is now re-establishing his financial worth and has successfully repaid all of

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his debts. His life changing events totaled 221 on the stress scale. I contacted

Alex via email to find out if he was willing and able to participate in my study.

Eliza is an established executive who lives in Canada. Her values are

strongly influenced by her Chinese heritage. Eliza has identified three major

causes of suffering in her life: the death of her father, her principal mentor and

role model, the end of a lucrative career, and the end of a long relationship. Her

life changing events totaled 253 on the stress scale. I was motivated to include

Eliza in this study due to her outlook on life and the positive nature she displayed

while dealing with the loss of her career. I contacted her to find out more about

how she re-established her career and invited her to participate in my research.

Jasmine is a university professor and also my colleague in the graduate

program at CIIS. She has a strong background in theatrical art and incorporates

dramatic techniques into her counseling practice. During my academic career, I

observed some of the times she was going through periods of significant suffering

and felt inspired by her ability to cope with her challenges. Jasmine’s life

changing events totaled 322 on the stress scale. Following the approval of my

research proposal, I contacted Jasmine and asked her to participate in my study.

Sophia is an elder Canadian woman of Hungarian heritage who was

referred to me by a colleague after hearing about my research topic. Although

Sophia and I had worked in the same department, I did not know the courageous

stories of how she survived two battles with cancer until after she had retired.

Her life changing events totaled 154 on the stress scale. When I learned that she

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met all the criteria of this study, I reconnected with her at a reunion and asked her

to participate in it.

Charles is a young Canadian man who is a Vietnamese refugee and a

victim of sexual abuse as a child who now lives in Canada. I met him through

volunteer activities in Toronto. At a focus group event, Charles spoke openly

about the stigma he faced while he was growing up due to his abuse. After the

meeting I reviewed his website and read the recollection of his haunting memories

of sexual abuse when he was a child. Charles’s life changing events totaled 206

on the stress scale. I contacted him and asked if he would be interested in being

interviewed. When I discovered that he met all of the criteria, I officially invited

him to participate in the research.

These participants all have a strong command of spoken English. They

were briefed that their participation would be strictly on a volunteer basis and that

they would not receive any monetary reward in exchange for their time and

involvement in the research study. The participants were told that they had the

option to conclude their participation at any given point without explanation. I, as

the researcher, emphasized that I fully respected their privacy and confidentiality,

and provided each participant with written agreements confirming this.

Permission was given to me by each participant to disclose the research

findings without revealing their true identities. I further reiterated that this

research study was not meant to be a religious study or to include any spiritual

guidance; I would not be acting as an adviser or a counselor during the course of

the research.

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 It is important to make the participants aware of their contributions and of

the benefits of their involvement to this research. I informed them that the

benefits for participants would be twofold: they would be able to contribute their

learning experiences so that others could benefit from their approaches in facing

the challenges of change; and they would make a contribution to academic

research, which would hopefully encourage further studies combining Western

grief models and Buddhist psychology in addressing grieving, suffering, and

changes.

Ethical Concerns

I contacted each participant to fully inform them of the scope of the

inquiry and to obtain their written consent to participate in it. Private information,

the identity of participants, the audio tapes, and the transcripts of those tapes are

secured in a locked drawer in my home office during the course of the study and

will be destroyed afterward to ensure anonymity and confidentiality. I refrained

from dishonesty, manipulation, exploitation, and causing harm—either physical

or mental—to the participants throughout the research study.

Data Collection

The data collection process consisted of three phases: (a) an invitation to

participate in my research, (b) an open-ended interview, and (c) a follow-up

conversation.

Invitation

I contacted each potential participant by phone and via email. I stated the

purpose of my research and explained to them why I believed that their life

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experiences could make a significant contribution to my research. I assured the

participants of confidentiality by using pseudo names to protect and disguise their

true identities, and sought permission to disclose any private and confidential

information. The potential participants who turned down my invitation were

thanked for their time. The participants who agreed to participate were sent a

copy of an Informed Consent Form (See Appendix A) via email for their review

and signature, a Confidentiality Statement (See Appendix B), and a Participant’s

Bill of Rights Form (See Appendix C).

Once these signed forms were returned to me, I set up an appointment

with each person, advising them that the time-span of the informal interview

would be between an hour and an hour and a half. As an optional pre-interview

request, I asked the committed participants to review their life journals,

reflections, and any artifacts (such as letters, photos, biographies, books, or

reading materials) that related to their experiences in dealing with loss and

suffering, and to bring any of it that may be useful to them to the interview.

Interview

The purpose of interviewing is to allow us to enter the other person’s

perspective. Qualitative interviewing begins with the assumption that the
perspective of others is meaningful, knowable, and able to be made
explicit. We interview to find out what is in and on someone else’s mind,
to gather their stories. (Patton, 2002, p. 341)

I conducted eight interviews between November of 2010 and March of

2011. These eight interviews were recorded for the purpose of creating

transcripts. I conducted in-depth face-to-face or phone interviews with all of the

participants. For those who lived within a reasonable geographic area, we partook

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in face-to-face interviews. Because this was an international pool of participants,

telephone interviews were arranged for those who resided outside of Canada.

Each informal interview lasted between one and one and a half hours, which

provided context for understanding the participants’ profile and their experiences

regarding their challenges with loss or suffering. In this interview, I used open-

ended questions to allow the participants to convey their personal stories,

emotional and sentimental expressions, and aspirations, wishes, concerns, or

regrets in their lives.

This approach required forming carefully and fully worded questions

before the interviews. The interview questions were written in advance in exactly

the way they would be asked during the interview. Further questions were

interjected into the interview at appropriate places only to clarify my

understanding of some of the responses. These standardized open-ended

interviews made data analysis easier and more effective.

I developed a structured approach for the interviews which involved

combining multiple techniques. The two opening questions were intended to

solicit background and demographic information for biographical data. These

questions also identified characteristics of the person being interviewed. The

third question regarded the participants’ opinions and values. The purpose of this

third question was to seek an understanding of the participants’ meaning of

suffering and impermanence. I then interwove two probing questions into the

interview. These questions asked participants to recall exceptional incidents in

which they had experienced suffering. Further questions were used to gain

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richness and depth of the responses. The sixth question was about feelings,

aiming to elicit emotions that related to their experiences and thoughts (Patton,

2002).

The set of 10 open-ended questions for the interview that were outlined in

my dissertation proposal and approved by the dissertation committee are as

follows:

1. Can you tell me where you were born, your ethnicity, and anything you

want to share with me about your childhood? (Demographic question)

2. Can you tell me something about your family, social life, hobbies, and

interests? (Demographic question) How are they important to you?

(Opinion question)

3. What does suffering mean to you? What does “impermanence” mean to

you? (Opinion questions)

4. Can you tell me about an event or events in which you have encountered

suffering? Can you tell me more about it (them)? (Probe questions)

5. How has your life being affected by the event(s)? Can you tell me how

you felt emotionally at that time? (Probe questions)

6. Do you find it easy or difficult to confront or cope with a change like this

event/these events? (Feeling question) Can you tell me whether you have

any support (family, friends, social network, medical) at all? (Probe

question)

7. What are the approaches, strategies, tools, therapies, or processes that you

have used to cope with the change/changes? How did you apply mind

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 8. Can you tell me how long it took for you to work with the strategies, tools,

therapies, or processes mentioned? Did you experience any road blocks in

coping with the change/changes? What were they? What are the

challenges, difficulties, and/or barriers in maintaining a daily practice?

(Probe questions)

9. Can you tell me what learning experiences you had as a result of coping

with the change/changes? Can you tell me whether you were “grieving

mindfully” while you were coping with the change/changes? (Opinion

questions)

10. In retrospect, what would you have done differently to cope with the

change? Can you tell me how this learning experience has influenced or

changed your life? (Opinion questions)

My interview with Gordon took place in his residence in Toronto, Canada.

This interview lasted approximately one hour. I recorded it with a digital audio

recorder and also took field notes. During the interview, I presented Gordon with

the 10 questions that were outlined in my dissertation proposal. I included

additional questions to probe and clarify responses where necessary.

Charles and I met at a café in the gay village of Toronto, Canada. Charles

suggested this venue for the interview as he felt the location best represented his

identity of sexual liberation. Throughout the interview, I felt Charles was relaxed

and “at home” in the neighborhood where he had bonded closely with others. The

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interview last approximately one hour and thirty minutes. I presented Charles

with the 10 questions that were outlined in my dissertation proposal with some

added follow-up questions that I felt were necessary. Despite the background

noise at the café, I was able to record the interview successfully with a digital

audio recorder. I also took field notes during the interview.

Eliza and I met at my office in Toronto, Canada for an interview. This

interview last approximately one hour and thirty minutes. During the interview, I

presented the 10 questions that were outlined in my dissertation proposal. I added

follow-up questions when necessary to probe and clarify information. I recorded

the interview with a digital audio recorder and also took field notes.

I was unable to schedule a face-to-face interview with Sophie due to a

vacation that she was on outside of Canada and because I was on a short-term

assignment in Malaysia after she returned. For her interview, I set up a

conference call from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to Richmond Hill, Canada which

lasted for a little over one hour. During the call, I presented Sophia with the 10

questions that were outlined in my dissertation proposal. I took field notes during

the conversation and asked follow-up questions when necessary. I also recorded

this interview with a digital audio recorder.

Linda’s interview was recorded during a conference call from Kuala

Lumpur, Malaysia, to where she was living in Singapore. This phone-interview

lasted approximately one hour. During the call, I asked Linda the 10 questions

that were outlined in my dissertation proposal. I recorded this interview with a

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digital audio recorder. I took field notes and asked follow-up questions from my

original interview questions when necessary.

For Jasmine’s interview, I set up a conference call from Kuala Lumpur,

Malaysia to where she was living in Arizona, U.S.A. which last just over one

hour. During the call, I asked her the 10 questions that were outlined in my

dissertation proposal. I recorded this interview with a digital audio recorder while

I took field notes and asked follow-up questions when necessary.

Jung and I met at his clinic in Toronto, Canada for an interview. This

interview lasted a little over one hour. I recorded the interview with a digital

audio recorder and also took notes. I asked Jung the 10 questions that were

outlined in my dissertation proposal during this interview and added follow-up

questions when necessary.

Alex took a brief vacation from his busy work schedule in Singapore and

met me in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia during a short-term assignment I was working

on there. The interview took place in my hotel in three short segments over a

weekend, totaling one hour and forty-five minutes. I recorded the interview with

a digital audio-recorder and also took field notes. During the interview, I asked

Alex the 10 questions that were outlined in my dissertation proposal and added

follow-up questions when necessary.

Immediately following each interview, I organized field notes and audio

recordings for transcription. I attempted to transcribe these interview recordings

myself by using voice recognition software. Unfortunately, the results were not

fruitful. After consulting with my dissertation committee and receiving approval,

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I hired an external transcriber to reproduce the eight audio recordings as

manuscripts. The process to source qualified and creditable transcribers took a bit

longer than I originally anticipated. In the late summer of 2011, I received a

recommendation from a professor from the English department of York

University (in Toronto, Canada).

At this point, I successfully contracted a seasoned graduate student to

transcribe all eight interviews from audio recordings. The transcriptions were

later presented to me in consolidated Word documents. After the interviews were

transcribed, I performed an audit by listening to each audio-recording along with

the transcription to ensure completeness and accuracy. The audit process

provided me an excellent opportunity to identify any gaps which required further

communication and clarification with the participants.

Follow up Communication

Based on the advice received from my dissertation chair, I developed six

additional questions to clarify and probe for new information to enrich and

improve the quality of the original interviews. These additional questions filled

any remaining gaps and gave context to the research questions concerning the

participants’ journey in reaching acceptance, their definition of suffering, and the

common themes being identified in the data analysis. These are the six additional

questions that were asked of the participants:

1. As per our previous discussion on suffering, you mentioned (based on

each participant's story, their personal emotional challenges). Can you

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recall if you have experienced any of the following emotional stages? If

you have, how long was the duration of each emotional stage?

a. Denial: Denial is usually only a temporary defense. This feeling is an

instant reaction that temporarily blocks the person from the emotional

impact of traumatic changes, thus allowing some time to collect

themselves. If you felt it, you might have expressed something like:

"This can't be happening, not to me."

b. Anger: Because of anger, you might have been difficult to care for due

to misplaced feelings of rage or envy. You might have expressed

something like: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to

me?"; '"Who is to blame?"

c. Bargaining: At this stage, bargaining involved the hope that you could

somehow postpone or delay the unwanted situation. Usually, a

negotiation for an extension would be made with a higher power in

exchange for a reformed lifestyle. You might have said, "I understand

I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time . . . "

d. Depression: You might have become silent and disconnected with the

people you love, or have denied them affection.

e. Acceptance: You came to terms with the reality of the situation. You

might have expressed: "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may

as well prepare for it."

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2. How do you know if you have “Accepted” the reality of the

situation/incident, as mentioned in Question #1? In other words, what

confirms that you have reached acceptance?

3. a. Can you confirm whether or not you have any understanding of

Buddhist teachings (for example, the concepts of impermanence,

mindfulness, living in the present moment, and karma [conditioning])?

b. In coping with the situation/incident that we discussed in Question #1,

have you applied any of these concepts? If yes, can you share with me

what the results of this intervention was?

4. How did you arrive at the approaches/strategies in coping with the

situation/incident? What were the approaches/strategies you used? Are

you still using them?

5. Since the recognition of the situation/incident mentioned in Question #1,

what have you shifted in your life? What plans do you plan to change in

terms of your personal goals and values, your priorities in life, your

relationship with the people you care the most about, or your lifestyle

(which affects how you live your daily life, habits, routines, etc).

a. Why are these changes important to you?

b. If no personal changes are necessary in coping with the situation /

incident, can you share with me how your life has been affected?

6. Have you gained new insights into your life from the situation/incident we

discussed? If you have, what are they?

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 These additional questions, along with the transcription of the interview,

were sent to each participant for their review and comment via email. This

provided an opportunity for the participants to identify errors and omissions, and

to provide additional significant information to furnish their stories.

Reflection on the Interview Process

The interview process offered an incredible spiritual opportunity for me to

reconnect with my inner-self. I felt this happening as each participant’s story

unfolded. Bentz & Shapiro (1998) described the intricate relationship between

the researcher and his/her research subject as the process of mindful inquiry. In

order to develop a coherent, grounded approach toward the research, the

researcher must center his/her own self at the center of the process of inquiry:

“you will always be at the center of your own research, which in turn will always

be part of you” (p. 4).

Each story reminded me of a significant time in my personal journey

where I shared very similar experiences as the participants. I resonated with each

participant and their life journeys, and felt like they were my inner-voices re-

telling my own stories in their words. I was very touched by their triumphs which

contained the courage to make difficult choices and the determination to assume

full accountability in applying strategies to cope with their suffering. At the end

of each interview a phrase emerged in my mind, seemingly spontaneously. The

familiar voices of these participants conveyed this message to me: “Ben, every

cloud has a silver lining!” Later when I reviewed the transcripts of these

interviews, it became clear to me that this is the message my participants wanted

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to convey to me as the main lesson they had learned. It was the driving force and

motivation in coping with their suffering.

My interview questions were designed to explore very sensitive topics to

try to understand how each participant defined and identified instances of

suffering which caused significant impact to their lives. Recollecting incidents

which lead to suffering will surely reopen old wounds and evoke emotions and

unpleasant memories. I was initially very concerned about how much detail my

participants would be willing to disclose. To my surprise, they were all very

cooperative in responding to my questions. They were all willing to provide

additional information to ensure I was able to sufficiently and accurately capture

their stories.

When I conducted these interviews, I practiced beginner’s mind and

constantly reminded myself not to be dualistic. Dualistic thinking is the persistent

tendency to divide experiences into dichotomies or non-overlapping categories of

polar opposite thinking (Belenky & Stanton, 2000, p. 76). Suzuki (1970) stated

that the practice of having beginner’s mind is to maintain an open mind, an empty

mind, and a ready mind. When the mind is empty, it is ready to take in anything

and is open to everything. By being present with the participants without

imposing judgment on their stories, I did not discriminate or limit myself in

listening to everything they wanted to share.

One of the participants, Alex, told me that if there was one person he

could trust to tell his stories to and reflect on the complex feelings he had about

them, that person was me. He had confidence that I would not judge all the

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actions that lead him to create a personal financial crisis. When we have no

thoughts of achievement or failure and no thoughts of self or others, then we can

really learn something from people who will share their stories. I have certainly

learned a lot from each participant.

Another significant discovery during the interview process was the

awakening of my compassion. Suzuki (1970) stated that the beginner’s mind is

the mind of compassion. When our mind is compassionate, it is boundless. I

experienced a kundalini awakening from my Reiki practice several years ago.

Kundalini is the spiritual energy, innate for all people at the base of the spine

within our body. The awakening of kundalini enables spiritual growth and

transformation, and nurtures universal compassion. I felt my heart chakra fully

responding to each participant with unconditional compassion as they spoke to me

during the interviews.

Straub (2000) stated that telling our story truthfully is one of the most

valuable paths to self-understanding and wholeness (p. 9). I believe that healing

the soul begins with a commitment to telling the truth. If we tell our story just the

way it is, we will have a better connection with our inner-self to discover who we

are and what matters to us. My heart taught me to embrace suffering. In nearly

every story I have heard there is a broken heart. There are several wounds that

come with the broken heart. There is so much suffering in our world. I am

unable to open my heart to all the pain in our world. My spiritual challenge is to

gently balance the needs of my own heart with my yearning to engage with the

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hearts of all living beings. This is my life-long goal and a commitment I will

continue while working on this project and afterwards.

Core Narratives

Chapter Four is the presentation of the core narratives of the eight

participants captured from the audio recordings and the subsequent transcripts.

The texts tell the stories that are the heart of narrative analysis (Patton, 2002).

This research is an exploratory study in applying Buddhist psychology in coping

with grieving, loss, and suffering. I collected data from interview transcripts

about the participants’ life histories and reflections, as well as from any other

resources they chose to provide in addition to the interview. I then actively

sought patterns from within the unstructured data to generate concepts that helped

to make sense of what was going on in the mind of the participants. The purpose

of this analysis was not to explain what was happening and why it was happening;

instead, the analysis devised an interpretation of the participants’ life journey in

coping with their loss or suffering and their transformative learning experiences.

I developed typologies to assemble all the materials from the participants

in dealing with the research study, and to identify the variations among the data.

Data must not be taken at face value. It is misleading to regard some information

as true and some as false. I categorized the findings into common themes, as

demonstrated in Chapter Four, by using their direct quotes from interviews, life

histories, and reflections.

There are several strategies one can use to do analysis of narratives or

people’s stories. The three most common are psychological, biographical, and

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discourse analysis (Merriam & Associates, 2002). In the psychological approach,

the story is analyzed in terms of internal thoughts and motivations. The

biographical approach attends to the person in relation to society and takes into

account the influence of gender, class, family of origin, life events and turning

point experiences, and other people in the participant’s life. The story is analyzed

in terms of the importance and influence of a wider spectrum of personal history,

life activities, and experiences.

Discourse analysis examines the written text of the story for its component

parts, and a linguistic approach assesses the spoken words by looking for

intonation, pitch, and pauses as a lens to the meaning of the text (Gee, 1991). In

the context of my inquiry, applying the biographical approach to analyze the

stories is most appropriate. It allowed me as the researcher to assess the rich

source of personal reflection, life history, and significant personal experiences,

and to examine the participants’ meanings of the grief model and Buddhist

psychology in copying with their loss and suffering.

Qualitative interpretation begins with the clarification of meanings. Patton

(2002) stated that during the analysis and interpretation process, the analyst

examines a story, a case study, a set of interviews, or a collection of field notes

and asks: What does this mean? What does this tell me about the nature of the

phenomenon of interests? In asking these types of questions, the analyst works

back and forth between the story and his or her understanding to make sense of

the evidence. Both the evidence and the perspective of the researcher are

presented in the search for meanings.

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 Patton (2002) further discussed that narrative analysis has focused

specifically on how to interpret stories, life history narratives, historical memoirs,

and creative non-fiction to reveal cultural and social patterns through the lens of

individual experiences. Narrative analysis honors people’s stories as data that can

stand on their own as pure descriptions of experience. They can also be analyzed

for connections between the psychological, sociological, cultural, political, and

dramaturgical dimensions of human experience to reveal larger meanings.

Denzin (1989a, 1989b, 1997) stated that much of the analytical focus in

narrative studies concerns the nature of interpretation. Patton (2002) argued that

the way stories are interpreted, and more specifically the texts that tell the stories,

is at the heart of narrative analysis. Meaning-making also comes from comparing

stories and can take the form of interpreting causes, consequences, and

relationships.

Lofland (1971) emphasized that the qualitative researcher should have the

ability to provide an orderly description of rich, descriptive detail, the

consideration of causes, and consequences of using qualitative data. Therefore,

interpretation, by definition, involves going beyond the presentation of the

descriptive data that was collected. Interpretation implies attaching significance

to what was collected, making sense of findings, offering explanations, drawing

conclusions, extrapolating lessons, making inferences, and considering meanings

(Patton, 2002).

According to Patton (2002), Schlechty and Noblit (1982) concluded that

an interpretation may take one of the following three forms:

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 1. Making the obvious obvious—confirm what we know that is

supported by data.

2. Making the obvious dubious—disabuse us of misconceptions.

3. Making the hidden obvious—illuminate important things that we did

not know but should know. (p. 480)

An important criterion of qualitative inquiry is portraying a holistic

representation of what the phenomenon, setting, or program is like while

struggling to understand the fundamental nature of a particular set of activities

and people in a specific context (Patton, 2002).

I adopted the two-step approach as suggested by Patton (2002) to

organize, re-arrange, and analyze the data represented by the stories:

• In the first of the analysis, I isolated specific variables that were important

in the stories, deciding which variables were dependent and which were

independent. I then wrote a statement to the effect of “These things cause

this.” Then read the story again.

• In the second step of the analysis, I distinguished and labeled the different

meanings of the situation expressed by the characters observed in the

story, then wrote a statement about how this combination of things came

together to create this. (p. 481)

Thematic Analysis

Themes are abstract constructs that researchers identify before, during,

and after data collection. There are many ways to discover themes. Literature

reviews provide rich sources for themes. Miles and Huberman (1994) suggested

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that researchers start with some general themes derived from reading the literature

and add more themes and sub-themes as they go. Researchers are also

encouraged to apply their own personal experiences with subject matter (Denzin

& Lincoln, 2000).

I adopted the categorical approach in organizing themes, according to

Lieblich et al., (as cited in Pelicci 2006), as outlined in Categorical Content

Reading, in the following four steps:

1. Selection of the Subtext – all relevant sections of the text are marked

and assembled to form a new file or subtext;

2. Definition of the Content Categories – the subtext is read carefully and

openly to define the major themes that emerge from the reading;

3. Sorting the Material into the Categories – separate sentences or

utterances are assigned to relevant categories; and

4. Drawing Conclusions from the Results – the sentences in each

category are used to describe and formulate a picture of the content. (p.

80)

All of the above four steps were performed inter-changeably throughout

the process of listening to the audio recordings and reviewing the transcripts

which captured the interviews of the participants. Each time I reviewed the

transcripts I gained a deeper connection and understanding with the participants

and their life stories. I was able to empathize with them and put myself “into their

shoes,” and then present their voices in my thematic analysis in a non-judgmental

and non-dualistic manner.

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 When I read the transcripts over and over again, I performed the first step

of this process, Selection of the subtext, by making reflection notes and

highlighting key words, phrases, and quotations which best presented the

participants’ thoughts and messages. I looked for cues that conveyed an

important message which struck me and “spoke” to me. These verbal connections

would later help me to develop content, topics, and themes for further analysis.

After the subtext was identified I progressed to the second step, Definition

of the Content Categories, by organizing and arranging the subtext data into

patterns or themes to identify similarities. The additional interview questions I

submitted to the participants to furnish my understanding of their answers helped

me tremendously to provide a more accurate measure of their strategies in coping

with suffering. The seven themes I have arrived at from analyzing the key words,

phrases, and quotations were: Reaching Acceptance, Importance of a Support

Network, Making Meanings of Suffering, Impermanence, Letting Go of the Past,

Living in the Present Moment, and Spirituality.

Once these seven themes were identified, I revisited all the transcripts of

the participants’ interviews and began the process of Sorting the Material into

Categories. I assembled relevant statements and quotations into proper headings

and sub-headings related to the themes. I then expanded the search to find

additional literature to help me find a better understanding of the context of these

themes. With both sets of supporting material from the transcripts and literature

review, I was able to create a story board for each participant that formed a rich

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description of their dynamic background. This allowed me to identify which

portions of their disclosures were most significant to my study.

The final phase of Drawing Conclusions from the Results is presented in

Chapter Five, “Report of the Findings.” This process, which consists of the

critical phases of transcription, reviewing additional literature, analyzing data,

identifying relevant themes, and the re-evaluation of supporting materials, took

nearly 20 months. During this time, I experienced all five stages of the grief

model: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and finally Acceptance. I noticed

the volatile movement of my emotions. I feel that seeking meanings of what I

was trying to accomplish in this project was the most painful process during the

journey of my Ph.D. program.

At the times when I received encouragement from one of my participants,

Linda, it was both energizing and a boost to my motivation. I felt a sense of

responsibility to complete this project of documenting the successes of my

participants in overcoming their life challenges. One of my greatest sources of

inspiration and motivation is that I want this dissertation to be published in time

for the special people who are reaching the end of their lives to see that the final

chapters have brought tremendous value to the readers.

Report of the Findings

Chapter Five includes qualitative reporting of the seven themes with

descriptions and of direct quotations made by the participants. Description and

direct quotation are the two critical elements that allow the reader to gain a more

personal insight into the thoughts of the participants represented in the report.

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Denzin (1989b) says that the description must not remove context or meaning of

what is being said. Therefore, qualitative analysis is grounded in “thick

description.”

A thick description does more than record what a person is doing. It goes
beyond mere fact and surface appearance. It presents details, context,
emotion, and the webs of social relationships that join persons to one
another. Thick description evokes emotions and self-feelings. It inserts
history into experience. It establishes the significance of an experience or
the sequence of events, for the person or persons in question. In thick
description, the voices, feelings, actions and meanings of interacting
individuals are heard. Thick description contains the necessary
ingredients for thick interpretation. (p. 83)

In the next chapter, Chapter Four, I will present the perspectives and

experiences of the eight participants I have interviewed. This will include the

core narratives of these interviews which offer the raw data that imparts thick

description to connect their cases to the analysis. This analysis then leads into

interpretation. The use of thick description will avoid the unnecessary data

reduction for reporting and also preserve the significant details and evidence of

the voices of participants.

The first theme, Reaching Acceptance, was described by the participants

as a significant breakthrough after a long battle through emotional turbulence. It

is a milestone for taking an active role in the coping strategies to deal with their

suffering. A wealth of human resources consisting of family members, friends,

mentors, and spiritual leaders, formed the base of the support network that my

participants recognized as the second theme, the Importance of a Support

Network. Their support networks provided empathy, advice, new knowledge, and

counseling to the participants, which guided them through the process of coping

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with and healing from their suffering. The participants were intuitive in

understanding how suffering affected their lives while Making Meanings of

Suffering, the third theme. One of the key aspects to understanding suffering is

the nature of Impermanence, the fourth theme. Once the participants realized that

neither favorable nor unfavorable memories, outcomes, events, and situations

would last forever, they learned not to hold on strongly to their beliefs and

perspectives.

Much of the suffering that these participants experienced related to past

events. By Letting Go of the Past, the fifth theme, they were able to depart from

the roots of their suffering that were caused by haunting memories. The

participants learned to treasure every opportunity presented to them by Living in

the Present Moment, the sixth theme. This indicated that they were being

appreciative and mindful of their current surroundings. Finally, the participants

strengthened their Spirituality, the seventh theme, through a process of soul-

searching. This was done by connecting more deeply with their faiths or with a

universal energy through various spiritual practices.

My central inquiry throughout this study was: How do actions derived

from Buddhist principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing the

challenges of change? My intent in identifying Buddhist principles that help to

heal suffering was to bring awareness to an effective strategy for dealing with life

challenges. My interviews and the subsequent analysis revealed that some of the

Buddhist principles can provide a non-religious and alternative approach to

people who are distressed. Buddhist principles appeal to universal situations

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which are not clinically, culturally, or ethnically bound. Like other Asian based

psychotherapies, Buddhist psychologies can be applied in life coaching, and by

people who provide both professional and social support to distressed individuals.

The knowledge gained from this analysis will assist individuals to apply self-

improvement and self-development strategies towards living a life that meets their

personal goals. This understanding will also help people to establish a

meaningful life when confronting life challenges.

Evaluation

Throughout the project I realized that my biggest challenge in reviewing

the data was to remain as objective as possible when conveying my participants’

messages in their authentic voices. This occurred primarily through the

evaluation process, and is described by Bentz & Shapiro (1998) as the best of

times and the worst of times of conducting social research. It is the best of times

because it offers significant opportunities for social researchers to more freely

select their questions and research approaches. It is the worst of times because of

the breadth, depth of knowledge, and understanding that one needs to acquire in

order to make appropriate, justified, and rational decisions about the framework

and the principles that need to be respected.

Furthermore, the researcher needs to possess detailed empirical knowledge

about how to investigate any aspect of human and social reality. This creates a

paradox at the epistemological level because openings, insights, and opportunities

become closed to researchers that are too orthodox (Bentz & Shapiro, 1998, p.

13). This is the dilemma: to uphold both ethical and professional standards, I had

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to remind myself not to infuse any of my own perspectives and opinions on the

core narratives when interpreting the transcripts from recorded interviews. At the

same time, I was anxious to uncover through these interview questions whether

the participants had any Buddhist principles embedded in their approaches of

dealing with suffering. This assumption revealed that it was not at all necessary

to have embraced only Buddhist principles in these participants’ coping strategies.

Before I immersed myself further into my analytical biases, my

dissertation committee provided a kind reminder that I needed to be objective and

holistic in reviewing and analyzing data. They also suggested that I should

expand on the research and seek clarity of what the participants meant in their

responses by including an extended questionnaire in this study. With this advice,

I developed six supplementary questions and sought the review and approval from

the dissertation chair before I reached out to my participants for their additional

comments.

This was significant not only as a reminder to re-examine my research

approach but most importantly to act as a warning to shape my own

transformative learning experiences through this project. Bohm (1998)

emphasized that learning is not merely the process of establishing facts but more

importantly is the acquisition of truly new knowledge. This new knowledge

informs both new orders of relationships and the sensitivity to differences

between similar information acquired from facts and experiences. I realized that

my assumptions and biases resulted from similar personal experiences when I

conducted the research. I was too keen to reveal facts based on my knowledge of

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similarities (of the predetermined notions and concepts based on personal

opinion), but not on the differences which were noticeably overlooked during the

process of analysis. This normal state of mind for researchers is described by

Bohm: “this process creates an order all its own: a reflexive state of dullness in

which the natural agility of the mind is replaced with torpor on the one hand,

mechanical and meaningless fantasies on the other” (p. x).

Suzuki (1970) has discussed that the practice of Zen mind is beginner’s

mind, or an innocent mind that leads to effective inquiry. This beginner’s mind is

empty, free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept and doubt, and is open to

all the possibilities that might arise through the inquiry. This mind realizes the

original nature of everything (p. 13). Being aware of this strategy reminded me to

be mindful with my research and be present with everything without forming

judgment.

I developed a new habit throughout the duration of the project of a process

that included meditation, chanting the Great Compassion Mantra, and painting

mandalas before I began writing the manuscript. (A mandala is a drawing with a

circular design or motif which is believed to represent the cosmos and generate

healing power for the self and others. Other than healing, mandalas are used for

insight, self-expression, and reflection.) These modalities greatly assisted me in

being consistently dedicated to my work with all of my participants, as well as to

all sentient beings who are suffering in general. Using them I instantly felt a ray

of energy guide me to being more objective and self-aware when embracing new

information for this project.

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Evaluation Criteria

Denzin and Lincoln (2000) identified the criteria for evaluating narrative

that involves the telling of stories. The researchers need to directly engage with

the participants and gather information about their experiences in their own world.

Good storytellers should richly portray their settings and make the actions of their

protagonists explicable within them. The researchers should commit to

representing the full array of perspectives and meanings in their stories so that

their stories are comprehensive. Finally, the researchers must define and position

not just themselves in their work but their work in the world.

I adopted the eight criteria that Pelicci (2006) identified for evaluation of

narrative research:

1. Validity: asking how truthful, plausible, and credible an account is.

2. Relevance: asking whether an account is important and contributes to

the field, previous findings, methods, theory, or social policy.

3. Trustworthiness: validating the criteria by a community of researchers

in and through discourse.

4. Authenticity: accurately representing human experience in a cohesive

and honest way.

5. Comprehensiveness: reporting numerous quotations and suggestions of

alternative explanations.

6. Coherence: creating a complete and meaningful picture with

consistency among content and theories.

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 7. Insightfulness: presenting the analysis in an innovative and original

way.

8. Parsimony: providing an analysis based on a small number of concepts

and writing with elegance and appeal. (p. 86)

This set of eight criteria is appropriate for my narrative research because

they can be shown to be credible, applicable, dependable, and confirmable. They

are also constructed to parallel conventional inquiry of the critical evaluation

criteria. Furthermore, the above criteria have embraced the complexity and

ethical standards for my own learning.

This research has achieved Validity. I have presented the narratives

authentically and as directly extracted from the transcripts. I provided

opportunities to the participants to validate their stories and to furnish additional

details.

The use of data and literature has met the requirement of Relevance for

academic contribution. I have effectively identified seven themes related to

Buddhist principles which helped the participants cope with their suffering. This

insight resonates with Asian based psychotherapies and alternative modalities to

ease and reduce anxiety, stress, and life challenges. Furthermore, the application

of Buddhist principles provide a universal and multi-faith appeal. Practitioners of

Buddhist principles do not need to embrace Buddhism as a religious faith; this

enables a wider acceptance of the principles as they can be practiced by non-

accredited or non-professional designation holders. Western psychotherapists

will have the opportunity to review and embrace Buddhist principles in their

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practices. People under distress who do not have financial resources to access

Western psychotherapies might consider this self-help approach as an achievable

alternative option to alleviate their suffering.

This research has achieved Trustworthiness through the use of vivid data

presented in thick description. Readers can effectively identify the origin of

narratives from the quotations made by participants. Thick description contains a

rich source of details which offers the participants’ own voices to the readers.

This research meets the criteria of Authenticity due to its use of original

data provided by the participants through personal interviews. I have documented

the life stories that the participants disclosed which were sincere and truthful

descriptions of their personal encounters with suffering.

Comprehensiveness is the key to conveying questions with supported

findings. The presentation of this research is communicated in plain language

with adequate clarification and explanations which can be found throughout this

study, particularly in the core narratives and the seven themes.

In the presentation of this study I have successfully selected relevant

theories from researched literature, using core narratives from participants and my

personal experience. The Coherence of this research is therefore clearly

demonstrated by the logical flow of information with sufficient clarification of

vocabulary.

This study has offered Insightfulness to the readers because of the

inspiration, positive energy, determined courage and transformative achievements

that were conveyed by the participants in overcoming their life challenges. Their

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coping strategies confirm that Buddhist psychology can be easily applied by

ordinary people without supervision or a strict structure.

Finally, this study is presented with a meaningful and small quantity of

concepts to meet the purpose of the inquiry. Parsimony is achieved with an

elegant and economic presentation of information while academic integrity is

preserved.

Verification of Data

The verification of data was performed at three levels. I performed the

initial verification (Level One) with an independent examination of transcripts,

core narratives, and analysis of findings. I engaged with the participants and a

peer to perform the Level Two and Level Three verifications respectively. The

purpose of Level Two is to ensure accuracy of interpretation. I invited all eight

participants to review their transcripts and my comprehension of their life stories.

Five of these participants responded to my request and provided suggestions and

corrections. Their supplementary feedback allowed me to furnish their stories

with further details and to polish the composition.

I engaged an editor, Andrew Willis, to perform peer review for the Level

Three verification. Mr. Willis performed a thorough verification of all available

data from beginning to end, which included all recordings, transcripts, individual

responses of six additional questions, core narratives, life stories, analysis of

findings, extracted literature for the relevant themes, dissertation proposal, and

my two-way correspondence with the dissertation committee. Mr. Willis and I

have corresponded on a regular basis via telephone and email for nearly eight

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months. The role Mr. Willis has played in the Level Three verification is two-

fold: to ensure that all of the information presented in this research is in

correlation of data received from the researcher and participants; second, and

most importantly, that the concepts and perspectives are comprehendible and

acceptable at both an academic and ordinary reader’s literacy levels.

Soundness of Research

I have applied a logical and systematic approach in presenting this project.

I have stated the inquiry questions clearly and consistently throughout the

presentation of this project. I have adhered to all standards as stipulated by the

Human Research Review Committee of the California Institute of Integral Studies

(CIIS). I have made reference and cited relevant literature related to the research

topic and the themes as identified in the analysis. I have precisely reported my

research methodology and limitations without reservation. I am in compliance

with rules regarding privacy and confidentiality; in order to protect the true

identities of all participants ethically, I have used pseudo names for the impacted

individuals and the organizations where they were affiliated. I have identified my

assumptions as extensively as possible to avoid any possible and foreseeable

hindrance.

Furthermore, I used thick descriptions to present responses, extracted from

in-depth interviews and additional questions from the eight participants, to avoid

unnecessary data loss and to preserve the authenticity and significant details of the

participants’ voices. I have organized, analyzed, and arranged the data into

themes that correspond with my literature review. I have presented reflexivity in

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three areas interdependently: the self as the researcher, the inquiry question and

research topic, and the eight participants. Lastly, I have stated the significance of

this study and candidly made recommendations for future research.

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 Chapter Four: Life Stories

Gordon

Gordon was born and raised in the Maritimes of Canada. He started his

career in banking shortly after he graduated from a local university with a

business degree, which was the first time someone from his community had

landed a job in the financial sector. After moving to Halifax, the biggest

commercial city in the Maritimes of Canada, he met someone who would become

his life-long partner. Four years later, Gordon and his partner were transferred to

Toronto by their respective companies to work in the core of the country’s

financial industry. This career break not only offered the possibility of

promotions in their careers, but also gave them a chance to start a new life.

Toronto was different from the close-knit community of Halifax where it can

seem as though everyone has a vested interest in your private life.

Although they had moved to a metropolitan city, Gordon and his same sex

partner learnt quickly that they needed to keep their relationship discreet since

both of them were working in the banking sector. The environment was

conservative about embracing socially progressive attitudes in the workplace.

In January of 2009, the first week after I returned to Canada from a

prolonged assignment overseas, I ran into Gordon unexpectedly in the banking

arcade during lunch time. Although we had kept in touch over the years, meeting

face to face again sparked a reconnection that was profound. Subconsciously, I

felt that our unplanned encounter would have a special meaning for our

friendship. I made a dinner appointment with Gordon the following day to catch

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up. During this get-together, Gordon broke the sad news that his partner had

passed away tragically four years ago. His death was not only due to medical

conditions but also a very serious mental disturbance. Despite the great loss,

Gordon had made good progress in dealing with his grieving and re-establishing

his life without his partner.

When Gordon found out that my research study was about coping with

loss, suffering, and grieving, he said the topic was very meaningful to him as he

had been through a lonely and difficult period recently. He gladly accepted my

invitation to unpeel the layers of his sufferings and his strategies in bringing his

life back into balance. I am very grateful to have had this opportunity to speak

with Gordon, a white, male banker in this early 50s, in which he revealed intimate

parts of his private life. These stories might never have been told otherwise. Our

interview was about one hour in length and took place in his residence, and we

both felt that the conversation was long overdue.

Gordon’s story.

Gordon’s Eastern Canadian ancestors were early settlers from Scotland.

He was brought up in a close knit family where family values have been deeply

ingrained in his character.

I was born in Atlantic Canada, in Nova Scotia, and my ethnicity is

Western European, mainly Scottish. I grew up in a small town, not a large
urban area—it was a mill town. We were a very close family, and I lived
in a neighborhood where everybody pretty well knows everybody else. It
was quite a tight area. Most people were pretty much from the same
background as me. I have one sister. I’m still very close to my family
although I live a thousand kilometers away. My mother is still alive and
she lives with my sister, so we see each other quite often. I travel to see
them several times a year and they come to visit me at least once a year.
We always have a pretty good time; we’ve also taken a few trips together.

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 To Gordon, his friendships and the relationships with his family are very

important. Being a banker employed by one of the largest Japanese banks, long

and exhaustive hours are unavoidable in his work life. Personal time is therefore

very precious to Gordon.

I work some long hours, so my social life is pretty much some relaxed
time with my friends. I play golf in the summertime and I like to go the
gym when I can get there. I have a pretty good circle of friends that I’ve
developed over the years. Most of my social life is going out for dinner,
or meeting for coffee, or maybe going on a shopping trip—things like that.
And I’d say the people in my life are pretty important to me. When I’m
not at work, that’s usually what I’m doing, meeting with friends or maybe
just talking to family members on the telephone. So it’s something that I
do a lot of planning around and usually how I plan my schedules and
vacations, seeing what other people are doing. That’s pretty much the
focus of my social life.

Gordon’s interpretation of suffering is that it is related to mental and

emotional turbulence over a prolonged period of time, including intense reactions

to these events. He does not believe any situation will continue indefinitely, and

that includes the state of suffering.

For me suffering means—I would say it is a mental state and an emotional

state that’s prolonged over a period of time. An intense emotional
reaction that’s spread over days or weeks, or maybe even running over in
the back of your head all the time. When I hear the word suffering that’s
what I think about more than having a headache or a sore foot or
something like that. When I consider myself to be suffering that’s what it
would be. Impermanence is—I don’t think anything is permanent—so
impermanence to me means that any situation will not continue, it’s not
forever, so I know that whatever situation is impermanent, that it is not
going to continue at some point, and I’ll move on. The situation will
change, one way or another, but it will change.

Although the severity of suffering cannot be fully controlled, Gordon

believes that everyone has the ability to manage the situations. This is done by

shaping perspectives about the causes of suffering.

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 I think that you can control the severity of suffering—it’s not unavoidable.
You can control it by how you manage it. It’s the sort of things you do or
don’t do that can help you deal with it.

There were two major events in Gordon’s life which caused him severe

suffering. The event that had the biggest impact was the sudden loss of his

partner. Gordon came home one day and found his partner Owen lying

unconscious on the living room floor. Owen had been through a long period of

depression due to work related stress; he was a banker at one of the most

prominent banks in Canada. He also suffered from stigma and prejudice resulting

from his lifestyle and sexual orientation.

I can talk about a couple of events that have caused suffering for me
personally. The recent loss of my partner, four years ago, is probably the
most suffering I’ve had in my life—an unexpected loss of someone that I
was close to for over 20 years. And the suffering there was emotional and
on a number of levels, not just the grief of losing the person but the
changes in my life, and in my case it affected me physically in a number
of ways, too. It was prolonged for a period of time—it wasn’t something
that happened and dissipated over a week or two, it continued for quite
some time and probably still does to a certain extent, but not to the
severity that it first did. It manifested itself in things like sleeplessness, an
inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, and bouts of being very very sad.
With waves of sadness and not being able to do anything else, you focus
on the loss. And also the circumstances involved. I found my partner—I
was the person who discovered him when I came home. It was a very
shocking thing, dealing with the ambulance crew arriving, and attempting
to resuscitate, and rushing to the hospital and all that sort of thing.

Owen never regained consciousness, and, despite the rescue, passed away

on his way to the hospital. Immediately after Owen’s death, a new agony

followed. Gordon had to deal with Owen’s parents about many tedious issues,

and they had never accepted the relationship between Gordon and Owen.

Gordon’s estranged in-laws came from a deeply religious background; they

perceived their son’s relationship with a man as sinful. Gordon recalled that on a

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Christmas Eve around a decade ago, Owen was kicked out of his parents’ house

when he went to his hometown for the family reunion. They had disowned him,

and since then they had not been on speaking terms. The inability to reconcile the

relationship with his parents had been devastating to Owen. Gordon strongly

believed that the intense and stressful situation with his parents played a

significant part in his depression and subsequent escape in alcohol and substance

abuse. Strangely enough, Owen’s parents initiated the conversation with Gordon

to discuss the handling of his estate. Gordon was named as the sole beneficiary of

Owen’s estate in his will. As a final gift, in an attempt to honor Owen, Gordon

gave a handsome sum of the money to his in-laws. Owen’s parents did not find

this gesture satisfactory and decided to challenge the validity of the will. They did

everything they could to harass Gordon, calling his work and home continuously,

and sometimes even showing up at the doorsteps of his house.

And then the after effects of all that, dealing with the family members and
all their anguish because obviously they were upset as well, and when that
happened it caused me to be upset, and it just went on and on. That
process is still playing itself out—not as badly as originally, but it still
does.

Another major suffering is the ongoing illness of Gordon’s mother. Both

events were unanticipated and occurred nearly simultaneously, which created

emotional distress and medical issues.

There was another event that happened a few years before Owen died—an
illness in the family. My mother was quite sick, and her illness changed
the way she lives. She had to have surgery and now she’s in a wheelchair.
At the time it was a very difficult situation and there was a lot of pressure.
The effect of all that on me was to feel distracted a lot. I had to deal with
some of the more practical things like changing her house so that the
wheelchair could go in and all these little details. Other effects included
being distracted, a lack of sleep, and being a bit short tempered, which I’m

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 not really. But when you’re under pressure, you’re not sleeping and
you’re upset about something, it can cause a chain reaction leading to
behaviors that are not usual. Those are two of the most recent things that
have caused me emotional suffering.

Gordon experienced several emotional stages when facing Owen’s sudden

departure. These included denial, anger, and depression. It took him more than a

year until he reached acceptance of Owen’s death.

Both events were quite sudden—neither was expected and suddenly I had
to deal with the circumstances. And that meant dealing with the practical
things related to them, not just being upset. Managing things like the
funeral or arranging transportation for my mother when she was ill. It was
kind of contradictory because I was upset and not emotionally prepared
due to the suddenness, but yet I had to be alert to deal with some
complicated issues. I felt denial for about one week, until just after the
funeral. For a few days I was angry about what had happened, especially
since it was avoidable. I didn’t experience anything like bargaining with
God. Depression lasted for about one year but recurs and has not really
stopped entirely. By the end of the first year, and after months of
counseling, I began to accept the situation and move on with my life.

Gordon recalled the situations that contributed to his acceptance of

Owen’s death. He then gradually made changes to help with accepting that his

life had to go on without his partner.

In the months following my partner’s death I made no changes to how I

was living. I had not removed his personal things or changed anything in
my home. After a year I took all his clothes to Goodwill and sent other
personal items to his family. I made a number of changes to my home to
make it more suitable for a single person, cancelled his email account, cell
phone, gym membership and other issues.

Gordon was also surrounded by a circle of close friends—his support

system—who made him realize that he was not fighting the battles alone. One of

them offered to let Gordon stay with her so that he did not have to live alone;

another friend ran a search on grief counseling services.

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 I’ve been very fortunate. I had quite a bit of support from friends. A
number of friends were very fast to react when my partner died and they
were here immediately. So from that point of view I did have very good
support. And then in the following few days, weeks, I had more
professional support. I went for therapy and many of the issues that I was
working on that were causing me suffering—we worked through how to
deal with those and how to live with them. I think the whole process, after
I’d gone through it all, gave me a very positive outlook on many of the
people that were in my life. I was very lucky.

The grief counseling opened a new chapter in Gordon’s life. He realized

that he could not search alone for answers about Owen’s death, and that he also

didn’t want to re-examine the relationship with his late partner without help.

I am still going to therapy—not as frequently as I did in the past—and I

have found that it is very helpful for me. In fact, I would attribute the fact
that I started feeling better to the therapy sessions. It started off with
something like grief counseling—how to manage loss because I wasn’t
feeling well. I wasn’t sleeping. I was experiencing all sorts of
uncharacteristic emotions that I wasn’t accustomed to. And when I went
to the therapist I spent several sessions just describing what happened, and
of course a bit about myself and my relationships. And then we started
working on some of the things that were in my head that I was suffering
with. One example would be that I was thinking a lot about what I could
have done to avoid my partner’s loss. Could I have intervened? Should I
have been doing this or doing that? It was weighing on me quite heavily,
and the therapist was very good at explaining why I was having those
thoughts and what sort of process was going on that was making me do
that. And then we started working on some exercises on how to make that
stop. It was a fairly complicated process and it required quite a bit of
work on my part—a lot of diligence. I found that it was very effective.
After I’d started working on those suggestions, probably within two or
three weeks, the emotional suffering I was experiencing started to lessen.
I started sleeping through the night and eating again and all these sorts of
things. I was following the suggestions the therapists were making, and
we would follow up, sometimes twice a week, and I found that it really
made a difference.

Gordon went through a period of blaming himself for not being able to

help resolve the depression which might have contributed to Owen’s death. With

the help of his therapist, Gordon gained a different perspective of the situation.

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 The suggestion that my therapist made was whenever I had a thought that
bothered me to write it down and then stop and think about whether it
made sense or not. To stop and think about whether the thought was true
or not. Sort of rebut that feeling, contradict it with facts, with things that
were true. I found that very helpful because I hadn’t been thinking that
way, I hadn’t looked at the issue that way at all. And as I dealt with each
one of these thoughts, and thought about things that contradicted them, I
realized that what I was thinking wasn’t true at all; it wasn’t accurate, it
was some sort of superficial reaction. I wasn’t being logical. This
strategy really helped. It helped convince me that I had done everything I
could and didn’t miss anything, left no stones unturned. What did happen
was not my fault. I probably went beyond what most people could have
done anyway. So it took a while for me to convince myself of that but that
was the point of the therapy and it worked very well.

Gordon’s grief therapy was successful in leading him to view things from

other perspectives. He was also able to apply this newly acquired strategy in

dealing with other unrelated issues and learned to rationalize and reflect on them

differently. This helped him to gain new insights into various past experiences.

I would say that probably the most active and intense part of the therapy
was the first eighteen months. It wasn’t just one issue, there were a
number of issues around the one that triggered me seeking help, but the
approach is very similar in each case. I found that I could apply what she
was suggesting to me to deal with a number of issues. The process has
been that we discuss the issue at hand, and once we’ve defined it we work
on what sort of things we should be doing to deal with it. And usually the
process is that I write down what’s going on in my head and think about it
—does this make sense? Is it logical? What has happened that would lead
me to believe that it’s not really accurate or that it’s not logical? And then
I make those notes. And then it’s more or less repeat this process again
and again when those thoughts do come into my head.

When Gordon went to grief therapy for the first 18 months, he faced some

roadblocks. His in-laws re-emerged and became an unanticipated burden.

There have been road blocks. And I think one of the big ones for me was
dealing with my partner’s family—my outlaws. There were some aspects
of dealing with them which were more practical, like dealing with
financial matters. But the other side of it was that these people would
keep bringing up issues from the past and reminding me of some of the
issues that had been bothering me. And I think they were probably

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 experiencing the same sorts of suffering that I was but they weren’t
dealing with it . . . I talked at length with my therapist about this and she
said that’s exactly it, they’re passing it along to you, they’re reflecting it at
you, and it’s sort of like one person is feeling these negative emotions and
then reacting to another person, and getting that person upset as they
transmit it to you.

The advice from Gordon’s therapist was to disconnect with his in-laws in

order to prioritize his own healing process.

Her suggestion of dealing with them—because it was a road block for me

recovering—was to stop dealing with these people, stop talking with them
until they clean up their own house. You can’t force someone to do that.
If you keep talking to them they’re going to get in the way of your
recovery, so avoid them, stay away as long as they keep this up. When I
started following that advice, it really helped me get around the road
block.

After following the therapist’s advice, Gordon gained an insight from the

methods which contributed to his recovery and felt the impacts of his learning

experience.

The learning experience for me was huge. I could probably talk for a very
long time. (laughter) One of the things that the therapist brought up—and
this really stuck in my head—was she said that you have to be ruthless. At
the time I found it quite odd coming from this particular therapist, because
she’s a very gentle, understanding person. She said that to be happy you
have to be ruthless. And after I thought about it for a while, I realized that
she was exactly right. The situation with my partner’s family is a really
good example. I had to be absolutely ruthless to cut them off and not deal
with them because it was very tempting to listen to their problems and the
upset they were experiencing. My therapist said they’re trying to put the
monkey on my back. To deal with my own recovery I had to be ruthless
and go to the extent of changing my phone numbers and email addresses,
and have my telephone and email and mail vetted by the bank security
department so that these people can’t get to me. And I had to be ruthless
to do that, but it was very effective. I didn’t come home at night and then
have to deal with an hour long telephone call of somebody sobbing into
the phone and telling me all of their problems and then making me feel
bad and keeping me awake all night. Obviously I couldn’t help these
people and they had to help themselves. The ruthless part was that I had
to realize that I couldn’t rescue other people if I was still suffering myself.
It’s sort of like when you’re on an airplane and they do the pre-flight

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 instruction: if the oxygen masks come down, you put your own mask on
first before you help the person you’re travelling with because if you pass
out then you can’t help anybody. It seems a bit ruthless but you have to
help yourself first. You have to make yourself well first, and that’s what I
did. And that extends to my own family. I have a tendency when my
mother needs help, even with just a drive to the doctor or something—
sometimes I have to make other arrangements because to do it myself
would put a lot of stress and a lot of pressure at a very bad time. Being
ruthless means you have to do some things like that. From a learning
point of view there were a number of issues like this that were real eye
openers.

Gordon’s therapist also helped him to pay attention to his eating habits,

emotional and physical health, and to reflect on his thoughts.

There were other things that were more mundane, but just the process of
eating properly and taking time to relax and read a book or go out to a
movie or something, give a massage, bring a regular exercise routine, or
shutting off the computer at work at the same time every day—hopefully
not too late—that’s all part of it as well. I found that part of the learning
process for me, too. There were quite a few other things that I learned,
too. Thinking about the emotions you’re having—why are you having
them? Does it make sense? Is it logical? And what sort of things do you
know that would contradict those negative feelings? The process of
actually writing it down, going back and reading it, and thinking about it
some more and repeating it, was something I’d never done in my life
before. And I learned it worked very well.

Gordon also learned from his therapist that he needed to start practicing

having compassion for himself. The more compassionate he was to himself, the

better he was able to look after the people he cared most about.

I’ve talked about wanting to stop working, to quit my job, because I don’t
really get much out of it. It interferes with things in life that would be nice
to do. Part of the thing that my therapist works on is, are you continuing
to work because you have to or do you just think down deep inside that
you don’t deserve to enjoy life, you don’t want to give it up, or you want
to keep the punishment coming. And that is an issue, an issue of showing
some compassion to myself, and that’s one of the things we continue to
work on.

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 Gordon also learned the importance of forgiveness in the core of the

healing process. He learned to let things go.

The forgiveness part, relating to my outlaws, I think I still need to work on

that one. I think it’s still too early. I’m still in a position where I think I
have to keep away from them just for my own peace of mind. I did notice
when I disconnected from them that my peace of mind improved
measurably and noticeably. So I still have to keep that in mind. This
could take a number of years. This is not at all a short term process. But
on the issue of forgiveness, that is something that has come up in therapy
as well. My own case, I think where I was going was not so much
forgiving myself—forgiving myself for some things that I probably would
have done better or shouldn’t have done—but forgiving my partner as
well. Because it all came out that I was upset with him for contributing
quite a bit to his own death. Unbeknownst to me, I was upset about that,
so that was something that we worked on for quite some time. And I think
I’ve gotten there. I’ve moved on past that, I’ve realized that the
circumstances were pretty much beyond his control as well and I’m not
going to get better myself until I let that go.

Gordon discussed that while he is still grieving, he has learned to live with

the realities in his life and has accepted them. He does not let death interfere with

his life anymore.

I’d say that I’m probably still grieving. The way I’ve learned to look at it
is that it’s not something that you get over like a head cold or something.
It’s something that you learn to live with. You learn to live with what’s
happened, accept it, and then you keep moving. You do other things in
your life. But I don’t think you ever stop having a sense of grief. My
father died thirty-five years ago and I’m probably still experiencing some
grief about that, and other people who were close to me long ago. I think
what I’ve done is I’ve accepted it and become accustomed to the
circumstances and I don’t let it interfere with my life anymore, I’ve moved
on.

Gordon said that he has limited knowledge of Buddhist teachings.

However, he has shown interest by discussing Buddhist philosophy with Buddhist

friends. A few of the Buddhist principles that he has learned through them are

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impermanence, mindfulness, and living in the present moment. He has already

adopted and applied some of these principles.

My knowledge of Buddhist teachings is limited to hearsay and pop

culture, although I have discussed Buddhist philosophy occasionally with
friends who are Buddhists. I have applied the concepts of impermanence,
mindfulness and living in the present moment. I consider grief and
depression to be transitory and that eventually the feelings will diminish
and pass. My experience is that I am gradually moving on and that the
experience of grief is falling into the past. I have also become more aware
of living in the present moment instead of dwelling on the events of the
past or worrying about what will happen in the future. I found an old
medallion that belonged to my partner and it has the serenity prayer
inscribed on it. The concept is good to keep in my mind when I start
fixating on something that is not of the present.

Gordon’s therapist introduced a number of exercises which helped him to

focus on living in the present moment. Gordon found them helpful in changing

his personal goals and priorities in life.

Learning that my present state of mind was not going to continue forever
was one of the topics that we worked on considerably. Other exercises to
keep me centered on the present were also part of the therapy and I learned
to avoid dwelling on bygone events or trying to predict the future. I’ve
changed my personal goals by trying to live healthier, making time to rest,
trying to avoid stressful situations, spending more time with my family,
and learning to ignore small irritations in life. I have successfully learned
to walk away from unimportant confrontations and let the other guy “win”
if it’s trivial.

Gordon has developed a daily practice to relax his mind and has found this

habit very therapeutic. Reading has become his therapy to transcend unhappiness.

I tend to read every day and make sure that I’ve got something to read, and
not something frothy like a magazine but something more serious. I time
it so that it’s probably the last thing I do at the end of the day, and it’s
more or less to bring me down from all of the tension of working and
travelling on the subway and paying bills and that sort of thing that I do.
And in the evening I always make sure that I have something good to read.
I read a book, and I’ve been going through quite a few varied topics, and
I’ve found that what works best is something that’s got nothing to do with
my work or any of the things that bother me, but things that I’m interested

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 in. It might be a biography. It might be a discussion of a certain type of
art, a historical event. I usually have at least two books on the go. It’s
become a routine for the last hour of the day, at least the last hour of the
day, to just relax and read.

Gordon ran into someone he used to know who had lost his partner. They

had a brief chat to exchange their experiences dealing with loss, suffering, and

grieving, and he felt better after he talked to someone who had been through a

similar process. In hindsight, he felt that joining a support group in the earlier

stages of his grieving might have helped to speed up his recovery process.

I ran into a former colleague who had lost his partner as well and we had a
brief chat that made me think that it might have been good if we’d been in
a group, or if I’d met other people like him that had been through a similar
experience. Something I’ve thought about since I lost my partner is
joining some sort of group of people who’ve had similar experiences. I
didn’t do that. It didn’t even occur to me at the time. But I think in
hindsight it might have been useful to even join a very small group, people
who meet once a week or so, just to get a feeling that there are other
people who are having similar experiences. I don’t know if they would
have had any advice that would have been any more helpful than I got
from my therapist or my friends, but maybe it would have been helpful to
spend some time with people who were experiencing the same sort of
issues and the same sort of suffering. Then you don’t feel like you’re . . .
You’re not isolated. It’s not something that you’ve invented, it’s
something that other people are dealing with as well. A support group
environment. Maybe just talk about how your week went, or what
happened this week, and that sort of thing. Or even just meeting people
like that and then going for coffee afterwards, somebody to touch base
with. I think that would be useful.

The learning experience for Gordon in dealing with his suffering was

profound and transformative.

It’s changed me quite a bit. As regarding work, I used to be much more

diligent at it, spend a lot more time. I took it a lot more seriously. But
having been through events like the two most recent ones I’ve been
through, I realize that this stuff, the work stuff, is not really me: it’s
something I do to make a living. I shouldn’t give as much head space to it
as I was. And I stopped doing that. I realized that it’s not the centre of my
being. It’s a practical part I do to pay the bills, so I don’t get as upset as I

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 used to. In fact I rarely feel pressure. I might get tired just because I had a
busy day or something, but I don’t obsess about it and I don’t end up
transmitting any tension to co-workers or people in my life. I’m usually
pretty good now with just leaving it in the office. I’ve applied that to a lot
of other things in life. Day to day things, little frustrations like subway
delays or, I don’t know, long line ups at the coffee shop. I more or less
stop and I think, is this really important enough to put my blood pressure
up and ruin my day? And then I think no it’s not, this is just something
that happens and I’ll just put up with it and I’ll wait for the train to come
up and then I’ll squeeze on and I’ll get to work eventually. The work will
still be there when I get there. It will wait for me—it’s not going
anywhere. The coffee will still be there when I move up in the line.
Maybe they’ll have a fresh pot, and maybe they’ll forget to take my
money, I don’t know. It’ll work out, and it’s not worth ruining my day
and getting where I’m going all upset, and getting my blood pressure up
and my stomach upset, and a headache—it’s not worth it. I read a pop
psychology book a long time ago called Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

Gordon has learned from this book and made changes in his life: he

doesn’t get upset with little things, he stays healthy, and he spends more time with

friends and family.

I’ve really learned to try not to get upset about all these little things
because you go around upset all the time if you do. And there are bigger
issues in life that will upset you and you can’t help it, you will get upset.
A death, or an illness, or that sort of thing, so save your energy for that
and just try to patiently get through the other things. That’s how I’ve
changed: I try not to get upset about the little things anymore. I hope I can
stay on that track. Other things, healthy things, I eat better than I used to.
That changed my life. I’m more interested in things like healthy eating,
healthy living, and getting exercise when I can, and just taking better care.
That’s a big change for me. I work in banking, that’s a high stress job
where people eat badly and they drink alcohol too much and they smoke
and other things. I don’t do any of those things anymore, and that’s a big
change. And I think there are lots of other changes. I’m more conscious
of my friends and family and spending time with them, even if there’s no
big agenda, just hanging out or something. It makes me feel better and I
enjoy it, and that’s a big change. I try to make more time for people in my
life.

Gordon has established three objectives. These objectives are his

priorities and guiding principles in living his life to the fullest.

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 The big objective, the big priority is peace of mind. I was going around
with—I heard the expression at work one time called “brain boil,” and I
was going around with brain boil all the time. My head was just going
constantly. Work issues, personal issues, you name it, around and around
and around. So the big priority is to settle my mind down, to feel peaceful
inside, and that’s what I try to do. That’s a big objective, and it’s not
always easy. It goes back to not sweating the small things. I’m trying to
be healthy because that does give you some peace of mind. The second
objective is just physically, being physically healthy. A physically healthy
life just seems to go easier, it seems to go better, you feel better. I try to
do things like eat right, exercise, and be mindful of things that affect my
health. Being healthy is a big objective. And the third objective is just to
make more time for family and friends and broaden my contact of people
that I enjoy being with. I’ve linked up again with old friends on
Facebook, or just by picking up the telephone, and I’m really enjoying it.
I’m reconnecting with people I haven’t talked to in ten or twenty years.
I’d like to eventually spend a lot more time at it—maybe I’ll stop working
in the next couple of years and I’ll be able to spend more time with things
like going to see friends that I haven’t seen for a while. So those are the
three big objectives for me.

In reviewing his experiences, Gordon discovered the importance of

addressing and dealing with suffering proactively and positively.

Going back to the topic of suffering, everybody suffers. It was good for
me to realize that, and my therapist was good at pointing it out. Family
members and other people would open up to me and recount situations
they were in. So it’s not something you have to keep hidden or be
embarrassed about because every person alive, I think, has some sort of
suffering they’re going through. Whether it’s emotional or they’re sick
with something, or who knows what. I’m glad I did something about it—
it makes a lot more sense to me. There have been people in my life who
have done the wrong things like turning to alcohol or drugs, or who knows
what, eating Big Macs or whatever they were doing, and that didn’t help.
I think people just have to realize that we all go through it at some point
and try to react to it positively—it will all work out.

Gordon feels that changes are necessary. He is now spending less time

reflecting on loss and has gained new insights from his experiences.

Changes have been necessary and are ongoing. Work puts a large demand
on my time which makes it difficult to stick with my plans but I have
found myself more relaxed and spending less and less time reflecting on
loss. I have had a number of insights as a result of my experience. I can

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 make my way through any stressful situation because I’m certain that the
situation is not forever. It will pass one way or another. Being upset over
small inconveniences in life is not worth the time. Compared to real
problems in life, everyday minor incidents are nothing. Prioritizing time
with my family is more important now. I realize that the time remaining
to spend with my family is limited and getting shorter so I want to
maximize it while I can. I have a greater appreciation for when something
nice occurs, even if it’s something ordinary.

Charles

Charles is a Vietnamese-Canadian in his early 30s. In the time I have

known him, he has inspired me in how he has transformed from a young man

without confidence in himself, living under the strict expectations from his

culture, religion, and parents, to becoming a person who is assertive, optimistic,

and oriented towards life goals. Charles used to describe himself as, “a scrawny

little gay Asian boy that has no place in this world”. Today, he has totally let go

of these insecurities—he has learned to accept who he is. With this better

realization of himself, he has mentored younger friends and helped them to realize

their potentials to live life to the fullest. Charles’s favorite quotation is “All these

things make me who I am—not more, not less—and I wouldn’t want it any other

way.”

Our interview took place in the winter at a café in the gay village of

Toronto and lasted one hour and a half. With the wind blowing outside, I listened

to Charles’s story which touched my heart. I was deeply moved by his courage to

reveal his vulnerable details of his life and his best kept, haunting secret.

Charles’s story.

Charles was born in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. He grew up in a big

family living with five brothers and his parents; his father is a minister in a

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Christian church. One of his earliest memories of Vietnam was when his father

was pulled out of his church by the Vietnamese government and placed under

house arrest. At the time, about seven or eight years after the Communists took

over the South of Vietnam, many of the Christian church ministers were evicted

from their churches and either imprisoned or placed under house arrest. His

father was ordered to leave his house and to move in with his relatives in the

countryside. He was being closely monitored by the Vietnamese official from the

neighborhood. After a year of separation, Charles and the rest of his family

members were allowed to join his father and relocated to the countryside with

him.

Ever since he was a child, Charles did not feel that he was valued by his

parents compared to his siblings. To compensate for this he tried to gain

acceptance from his parents however he could. One way he did this was by trying

not to offend his father, and he sought approval from him even in trivial matters.

An example of this was an incident when some of the family was having Pho, a

Vietnamese Noodle Soup, for breakfast. His father asked Charles and his brother

if they would mind having basil with the Pho. Charles’s brother scowled in

disapproval, but Charles ate it without complaining despite the sour taste.

Looking at the basil leaves, I knew I would not like it. Since I wanted my
father to approve of me, I decided to ignore my taste buds for his
acceptance. My brother complained through the whole bowl, but I did my
best to not show any dislike while ignoring the basil flavor.

Charles has had a great fear of the dark ever since he was a child; only in

recent years has he been comfortable sleeping without lights on. Whenever he

watched horror movies, the images would replay in his head over and over again

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afterwards for days. There was another fear which troubled Charles for many

years: a few years ago, he confided to a few of his close friends that he was

sexually abused as a child.

When I was five, I had sexual encounters with my teenage cousin and with
a couple of kids from the neighborhood. I am not sure if I should label
these experiences sexual abuse since all of the participants were minors.
Something for sure was that those experiences changed my life forever, in
a very haunting way.

Charles’s cousin Tim was born and raised in the countryside but he lived

with Charles’s family at times. Tim was 10 years older old than Charles and was

known within the community for being wild and wicked. He liked to push

boundaries and encourage other kids to engage in adventurous games.

One of the things that Tim tried with us was playing sexual games. It
started out as simple peeing contests. The games got more daring, and
many of the neighborhood boys played something that none of us would
ever want to remember.

Charles didn’t want to back out because he didn’t want to look cowardly.

Although he did not feel comfortable the first time, he participated in the sexual

games a few more times. The occurrences came to an end when one of the

neighborhood boys told his mother that he was being inappropriately touched my

Tim. The news quickly spread, and Charles’s mother asked him if he had also

been touched.

I will never forget what my mother said to me that night. She told me that
what I was doing was called "homosexual," and that practicing
homosexual activities is one of the greatest sins that a person could
commit. I was five. I carried guilt, shame, and fear for many years after
she told me that.

Being committed to his faith, Charles was ashamed and afraid of what he

had been involved with. He also had a dilemma: he did not consider himself to be

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a victim because he enjoyed the sexual experience. Charles felt guilty for having

participated in the sex games, even though he had not instigated them. “I felt

shameful for enjoying the experience, and fearful that I had become a

homosexual. I had been told that this was the greatest sin.”

Charles kept his enjoyment of the abuse a secret. The shame that he

developed caused darkness to creep into his life and ate away at his true identity.

“I repressed any hint that might have expressed femininity or homosexuality. I

was very conscientious of this all the time, which was tough.”

At the age of 10, Charles and his family immigrated to Canada. It was a

new chapter in his life and he was exposed to a whole new world in a Western

culture with different attitudes. In some ways, Charles adapted very well to his

new life in Canada. The same year that he moved there, he realized his sexual

orientation. Growing up had been hard and being a teenager was even more

difficult.

From the growing pain of puberty to the secrets that I carried to the
realization of same-sex attraction, I started to hate myself. I was afraid of
people. Though I had a great need for acceptance, I was too afraid to open
up to anyone, fearing what they could find out.

Charles admitted that he was in denial of his homosexuality for a long

time. He used to think he would eventually overcome the attraction to men if he

continued to date women. This strategy did not work for him.

I denied my sexual orientation for 17 years until I was 27, which was
when I experienced my first gay sex. At one time, I thought that if I had
more exposure to girls, I might be able to like them more. I noticed that
during my dates with these girls, I would check-out the guys around us
more than my dates. On good days, I would push myself to believe that I
could pull it off as a straight guy, but on others days, I would sulk over my

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 misfortune. And of course at times I would get a reality check when a hot
guy walked by.

Charles told me that he did not understand the meaning of impermanence.

When asked to describe what he understood suffering to mean, Charles said:

Suffering means somebody going through a lot of pain, and I feel like my
whole life, until only recently, has had a lot of suffering. Only in the past
year have I felt like I’m finally letting go of things and have been able to
live without any suffering.

Throughout his teenage years, Charles struggled with his identity and had

difficulty accepting himself for who he was. He feels that his biggest cause of

suffering has been his lack of self-acceptance. Part of this was due to pressure

from his faith and religion.

I’ve never really had a death in the family or anything like that, but I
suffered while growing up and through my teenage years, struggling with
identity and to accept who I was. That was a long period of suffering.
And the biggest suffering for me during that time was with my faith and
religion. I considered myself to be a Christian at one point—I truly
believe in God and want to live according to my faith—but at the same
time I wanted to be who I was, being real to who I am. During that time it
was a big struggle for me because both my faith and being who I was were
really important to me. There were a few times when I actually felt a lot
of pain and suffering.

Charles was not angry about the sexual abuse; for a long time he felt that it

was his own fault. He was, however, angry with his father because of his attitude

towards homosexuality.

I was never angry about being sexually abused, mostly because at first I
felt like it was my fault. Later on I felt that it could have happened to
anyone, so it might as well have been me. I was angry at being gay and at
my father. I felt like I had lived a good life and that it was not fair that I
had to go through this punishment. I often prayed, “I have been good all
my life, why did you do this to me?” In terms of being angry at my mom
and dad, I become angry when I started to accept my sexual orientation,
but they were still trying to push me toward the other direction. They
never have and never will accept me being gay, and have said cruel things

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 to me in hoping that it will hurt me and change me. At one point, I
realized that my mom and dad were a bad influence in my life, and during
this time I was working on building my self-esteem.

There was a lot of pressure on him from his religious family. Charles’s

secrets were kept intact for many years, and shame continued to affect his spirit.

To my dad, homosexuality is a sin and a rebellion against god. It has

nothing to do with the way that someone is born or natural attraction.
Before he found out that I was gay he preached against it in church, and
very publicly came out against it. Since I came out to him, he still thinks
that I’m delusional because I have this tendency. He has stopped
preaching against it because he’s afraid that it will fire back at him, but
he’s still very much against it. He still thinks that I’m living in sin and I
think he still prays for me to stop living this sinful life. When I told him
that I was moving to Toronto, my mom and dad did not like that at all.
They compared Toronto to Saddam and Gomorra in the bible, which was
burned. They also said that God is going to punish the city in the future
and that if you move there you’re going to get hurt.

Due to his strong faith, when Charles tried to deny his sexual orientation

he appealed to God, “I used to bargain with God to help me overcome my

homosexuality. I would promise God that I would do certain things if he would

take my homosexual desires away from me.”

One weekend, Charles went to Toronto to check out the gay village. It

was his first time seeing men holding hands. After he went back to Kitchener,

where he was living at the time, he suffered from depression for one week.

When I was living in Kitchener, I was surrounded by a Christian

community and tried to repress my sexuality. I was curious about the gay
village in Toronto and I came up here and saw guys holding hands. When
I came back to Kitchener I fell into a major depression for one week.
During that week I was crying all the time, non-stop. Even at work—I
remember I was working at the bank at the time—and in the cubicle
through the day I was bursting out crying all the time because I felt like I
had been missing something in my life. Something that I wanted so much
that I felt I could never have.

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 Charles moved away from home when he was seventeen in the second

semester of grade 11 and moved in with his brothers. For a while, the four

brothers lived together in Regina for six months but then one moved to

Vancouver, two moved back to Kitchener, and Charles moved to Toronto and

lived with his aunt for a year. He has been living in Toronto since then. Charles

recognizes the importance of the relationship with his family and tries to visit

them at least once a year. Until an argument broke out between Charles and his

father, the relationship between him and his family had been very tense.

I had a fight with my dad and felt like it would be a good idea to leave my
family for a while. I didn’t feel that my relationship with them was
helpful. So I told myself not to contact my mom or dad for at least a year.
As soon as I started doing that I felt a big pain in my heart. It’s very hard
to describe, but there was so much pain I couldn’t sleep or work. And
sometimes at work, although I wouldn’t cry, I would crawl down below
my cubicle to try to ease the pain. I was trying to distract myself from the
whole thought. At that time, I realized what a strong bond I have with my
family.

The estranged relationship with his father caused him to distance himself

from his family, and this triggered an unexpected loneliness.

I think that the relationships with my family and friends are of the most
important things in my life. With the disconnection with my father, it left
me feeling like I didn’t have a strong grounding to hold on to. If
something happened to me I’d have to take care of myself instead of what
most people have: a family to fall back on. So everywhere I go I try to
find family or friends, but it is very hard to find people like them. I miss
my family a lot.

Charles used to think that every step while growing up had to involve

suffering. At age 21, he hit the bottom.

I reached the lowest point when I was 21, just after graduating from
college. At that time I was working at an entry accounting job at a bank
and was making less money than the factory workers in the area. I also
wondered about the reason for my existence. I had no self-worth. I felt

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 like a waste of space, a virus, just eating up the space and resources
around me. During that time, I contemplated committing suicide.

Charles was unable to share his thoughts and emotions with his family

members so he turned to his friends for support and they encouraged him

continuously. He slowly realized that he could not fundamentally change who he

was or who he was attracted to, so it would be better to deal with things as they

were.

I do have friends, good friends to get support from. But I think I still need
family. I think that someday I might be living near my brothers, and we
are very close to each other, but I don’t think my mom and dad will ever
be on the same page. They will never be able to understand. Since family
is more important to me, I try to create families wherever I am. It takes a
long time to build the bonds, though. I don’t go to Vietnamese churches
like I used to, trying to create families and thinking it would be easier
there. Now I go with friends and it’s just not the same either. I still get
really lonely during the holidays. I try to get the holidays out of the way
as fast as possible every year. I haven’t had a lot of support from the
church I’m going to right now. My friends are very supportive, but the
church is not like that yet.

Charles saw a light at the end of the tunnel when his career path started to

improve. Gradually, he had made strides in his profession in accounting and had

achieved financial security.

A door to my spirit had been punctured. I felt vulnerable. I felt naked.

But at the same time, I felt liberated. There was a warm ray of light
cracked through that door and into of my spirit. It was like experiencing
that first warm and promising ray of light through a window after a long
dark hopeless night.

Being able to take charge of his destiny was a gradual process, and he

recalled three major breakthroughs in his life. Three changes helped him to

confront his fears and cope with his suffering through a proactive approach.

When I was growing up, there was a lot of suffering. One of the big
breakthroughs was learning about marketing through business courses I

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 was taking. I realized that if people could market a product, I could
market my own life—represent my life the way I wanted it to be. I started
to change my life and say what I wanted. I was around twenty-four at the
time. Another breakthrough was when I came back to Toronto from Asia
I decided that I wanted to live a good lifestyle. One of the greatest values
that I hold is being honest with myself; being genuine. Not doing this had
been holding me back. Just be who I am and not be afraid—I didn’t have
to act anymore. Another big breakthrough happened when I was about
twenty-seven: I told a lot of people that I’d been through sexual abuse.

Charles took a major step in facing the unhappy past which he had felt

guilty about for a long time. Eventually he sought professional counseling. With

a year of professional help, Charles began to accept who he was.

Being committed to my faith, I felt very ashamed, scared, and afraid to be

a homosexual. I tried to keep it a secret all that time, including any hint of
effeminate qualities. I would try to go against these tendencies; I was
conscious of myself all the time, trying to hide it. It was very tough. I had
one year of counselling when I was twenty-six or twenty-seven about who
I was and how to be myself, and I started to accept who I was. Before
that, I also felt guilty for the things that I did, for enjoying some of the
abuse and initiating some of the encounters. It was not totally my fault.

Charles’s intention to share his stories with others was so that he could be

true to himself. At the same time, he liberated the secrets of his suffering.

Throughout this process he received overwhelming support from his friends,

which he was not expecting, “I just felt like, as a process of being true to myself, I

wanted to share my experiences with other people. Surprisingly, the more people

I share this past with the less it harmed me.”

Two years later, at age 29, Charles accepted a global work assignment in

Myanmar as a Finance Manager for an American based company. This overseas

career opportunity gave Charles another insight into his life.

When I first got to Asia I cried a lot, and not because I missed my family
or friends but because I saw the great division between the rich and poor.
It caused me to ask the question: why? I saw that the people there were

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 just as smart as I was, just as strong as I was, they worked as hard as I did,
but somehow I lived in a four-star hotel and they lived in the street. They
didn’t even have enough money to feed or cloth their children. I felt the
unfairness between me and them. For many nights I wondered why is it
like this?

Charles’s spirituality strengthened through his experiences in Asia. He

became determined to make a change in his life as soon as he returned to Canada.

The concept of ‘grace’ played an important role in helping him to accept who he

was and live a life that was true to himself.

The concept of grace in Christianity is that sometimes you get things that
you don’t deserve. Sometimes you get things that you haven’t earned.
Usually grace is given by God. I realized that it’s not because I’d done
anything right to be where I was, it just happened because it happened,
because I’m lucky or something. And then I realized that my point of
view about humanity—that we get what we deserve, we work hard for
what we have—I saw that it wasn’t like that it Asia. People there get less
than they deserve. With the concept of grace, I felt like it was okay to be
gay. I just felt like that one night. I realized that I didn’t know why I was
living like I was, and that I should like who I am. I decided that when I
returned to Canada I was going to start living my life.

Another major event during this assignment was Charles’s first gay sexual

experience. He finally fully accepted that he was gay and he became determined

not to hide his sexual orientation anymore.

I have accepted my sexual orientation, the way my father is, and also what
happened to me when I was little. In terms of my sexuality, I came to
terms with it when I was working in Myanmar three years ago. One night,
I just realized that it was silly that I denied being who I was for so long.
My first sexual experience was also in Myanmar, and after my first sexual
experience with a guy, I just feel like it was “so right.” In terms of my
parents, over time, bit by bit, I realized that I can’t change them. I realized
that I just need to accept the fact that they will never be happy that I am
gay. And I’m okay with that. I don’t crave acceptance from my family,
only self-acceptance. It just doesn’t bother me anymore. I love being gay.
I barely connect with my parents and I have no problem with that. I don’t
miss them or feel the need to connect with them. It bothers me every time
I hear about sexual abuse on TV. I feel sad for the victims, but I don’t

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 consider myself a victim anymore. I feel like there are so many others
things I can do instead of worrying about my past.

Charles had a transformation which was based on authenticity: he realized

the importance of being true to himself and living his true identity.

I think the biggest thing that helped me to change who I was and become
who I am was just being true to myself; just every day, being honest to
myself. Before getting there, it’s scary because you don’t know how it’s
going to turn out. My experiences of being true to myself have given me
great joy—it’s incredible. I don’t know why more people aren’t being
true to who they are. I also feel that—because I went through what I went
through struggling with my identity—people who haven’t struggled aren’t
being true to themselves because they’re afraid of that stuff, getting there.
The tools I got have helped me to be who I am more than they are. I
realized that I don’t need to hide any more. The funny thing is that right
now, when I live my life, I’m surprised that I feel normal and so free. I
would not want it any other way.

Charles had an inferiority complex when he was a child. He used to be

very concerned with his appearance and often compared himself to his siblings.

His personal transformation has helped him to accept his own flaws.

I used to look at myself in the mirror and there wasn’t a thing that I liked
about it. I still do not know if I am actually good looking and have a
desirable body today, or if it’s just my ego that is blinding me. However,
everyday when I look at myself in the mirror, I am content. It’s just me:
the tiny moles on my face; the crowfeet; being uncoordinated; the not so
perfect teeth; the high maintenance skin; the dimple; the I.Q; the
insecurity; being gay; the student life; the fine lines; the muscular body;
the confidence; the high-bridged nose; the shyness; the stretch-marks; the
small bones; the full lips; the height; the Asian face; the heritage; the cute
smile. All these things make me who I am, not more, not less, and I
wouldn’t want it any other way.

Self-acceptance played an important role in Charles’s transformation.

Through his sufferings, Charles adopted a strategy to cope with the changes and

to reach his goals: “perseverance.”

One of the things I learned was to be happy with what I have. Wanting
what you have instead of wanting what you don’t have. I think that’s the

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 biggest thing that I learned—self-acceptance. That applies to worldly
possessions, personality, my look, whatever. I used to always compare
myself to others. Over the years, I learned to accept who I was and to
work to improve on that. Not to judge myself by other people’s standards,
but my own. I set goals to achieve, and to push myself to reach them. I
think that’s in a song: it goes something like it’s more about wanting what
you have than having what you want—or something like that. Another
thing is that I’ve learned is to let things go, especially in relationships. I’m
still working on it, but I try to have a few closer friends rather than a lot of
casual friends. It’s hard for me to move a lot, to move on from one place
to another place. Also not to work on relationships so much and to let
them play their course—let what will happen happen. I think I learned
this from a proverb, if you love a bird let it go. If it’s yours it will come
back to you. I try to live my life happy. When I don’t have a job and not
a lot of things are going on for me, even though I worry, I still feel content
at the same time. I feel like I still have a lot and am very blessed.

Charles has learned to accept his flaws and imperfections. These were

two things that used to bother him the most.

I knew I had a lot of flaws, yet at the same time I was working towards
accepting them. And now when I look at myself, I know that none of us
are perfect, and at the same time I am able to accept my flaws. Accepting
of who I was and who I am, and what I am. One thing I learned through
the process of suffering is to persevere: I’ve learned to push on.

While Charles does not have a traditional understanding of Buddhist

teachings, he lives his life in the present moment. To cope with stress and

suffering, he goes to the gym regularly. It is part of his approach to integrate a

body-mind-spirit.

I grew up as a Christian, so I haven’t really look into Buddha’s teachings.

I do live in the present, but this concept came from a book called How To
Stop Worry And Start Living. I don’t really believe in karma. I believe in
hard work and random events. In dealing with everyday stress, I try to
live in the present. I have come to accept the issues I’ve had to face so I
don’t really think or worry about them anymore.

Charles expressed his learning experience in coping with the changes in

life as being happy with what he has. He wrote a reflection about this in his blog:

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 Yet, I am happy, and have never been happier.
I realized that it wasn’t what I had that made me happy, it was what I'd
learned. I've learned to be grateful.

. . . I am grateful for my health.

. . . I am grateful for my friends.
. . . I am grateful for the No Frill’s food on my table.
. . . I am grateful for the roof over my head.
. . . I am grateful for the H&M fabric that covers my body.
. . . I am grateful for my family.
. . . I am grateful for living in a first world country.
. . . I am grateful for the air that I breathe.
. . . I am grateful for so MANY OTHER THINGS

Charles’s daily practices are simple: focus on a body-mind-spirit

integration to maintain a healthy body and a stress-free mind.

I think one of the main things I have learned that helps me deal with the
issues is to listen to my heart. I realized that there are many things that I
don’t understand or have the answer to, but if I don’t listen to my heart,
then I will always regret not doing so. When I go to the gym it’s not just
to get the body I want and a good health, it’s a time to let things go. It is
like a stress ball to let things release. It releases a lot of stress for me.
Going to the gym makes me happy, when I look at the mirrors, I feel
better. After the work out when my muscles are pumped, I say to myself:
life is not bad.

Charles does not like to look back at moments that he might regret. He

enjoys the present moment and he laughs a lot more.

One thing is that I usually don’t look back and regret things, but there are
still occasionally moments when I do. When those moments come it’s
time to tell myself to just laugh about it. I am who I am today because of
my experiences. I try not to look back too much because life’s too short—
there are always so many possibilities that could happen at any moment.

Charles has conquered his fear of darkness and let go of the unpleasant

memories of his sexual abuse.

There are still wounds, but the wounds are healing. I am sure that I am
scarred for life, but I am no longer afraid to close my eyes at night. My
room is no longer dark. It is getting brighter day by day.

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 In regards to the estranged relationship with his father, Charles is

optimistic that there is hope to improve their relationship.

There is a great unexplainable pain in my heart that stirs whenever I know

that I cannot interact with him. I love my father, and the feeling is
renewed every time I remember the breakfast that we had that morning.
Though there have been bad interactions, I believe that my father and I
could work to make our relationship healthy.

Charles views change as being critically important to his life and has

developed a healthy self-esteem, which has contributed to becoming a better

person. He believes that one of the key insights of life is to accept himself more

each day and to be content with what he has.

Without these changes, I would not be able to carry on. A consequence of

my previous religious convictions was that I would always condemn
myself and not be able to develop a healthy self-esteem. By only
surrounding myself with positive influences, which included detaching
myself from my family and religious friends, I was able to fight off
negative thinking. I still have a lot of bad habits and negative thinking
that linger, but I work daily to overcome them and become the best
possible person that I can. While everyday is still a bit of a battle, I think
that everyone has their own struggles just like I do. I feel that I’m a better
person because of what I’ve been through. A while back, I learned to be
content by remembering the slogan that “it’s not getting what you want,
but wanting what you have.” This can be used in every circumstance and
it has helped through my personal struggles. I’ve learned to just accept
and even enjoy what I have, yet to also work to become the ideal person
that I want to be on a daily basis.

Eliza

I met Eliza 21 years ago. She is a former colleague from my third place of

employment, which is also the place where I worked longer than anywhere else in

my career. I was a junior accountant when I joined the global financial institution

(The particular company will not be named in the interest of confidentiality).

Eliza was, at that time, a unit leader managing two teams composed of 90% male

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employees; the financial industry in Canada was still very much a “boys’ club”

then. Although the industry has gradually changed its landscape to embrace

diversity at the senior management level, female employees, and especially

people of color, have had to make extra efforts to prove themselves to their peers

in order to achieve career advancement.

Although I had no business dealings with Eliza initially when I joined the

company, she gave me the impression that she was a strong female leader in the

financial industry. She was single, career-minded, a workaholic, assertive,

visionary, and highly efficient. She had the portfolio of the largest, most

profitable and most demanding client in the company. Under Eliza’s effective

management style and superb client servicing skills, her unit continued to grow

and expand exponentially.

I had the good fortune to work with Eliza when I was selected to join a

special task force. In the winter of 1994 I became a member of a rescue squad

team based in Montreal that was tasked with saving that office from closing its

doors due to a series of operational errors. Eliza was the project lead of this

“mission impossible.” I reported to her directly in this team structure, and learned

more than just business skills from her during the assignment. Eliza taught me

that “to be good leaders you need to demonstrate a concern for the human side of

the people you work with.” In fact, Eliza looked after us—the squad team

members—like a big sister. Despite the tight deadlines to complete the

assignments, she never neglected to care about our well being or the priority of

achieving a work-life-balance. In one of our few after-work outings, we went to

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see The Joy Luck Club, a movie based on the novel written by Amy Tan. It was

the first time Eliza had spoken about her Chinese heritage, a topic that tied into

the emotional subjects of the film. While the details of our conversation have

faded from memory, we formed an affinity for one another and have felt a close

bond ever since. After this first work assignment was completed, I continued to

report to Eliza on different positions. The following year she was promoted to the

head of the division and her career entered a new phase of growth; a few years

after that I accepted my first global assignment and left Canada. Eliza and I

continued to stay in touch and our work relationship grew into friendship.

In the year 2000, I was in Asia on my second global assignment when

news reached me that Eliza had left the organization abruptly. I sensed something

was off. How could she leave behind the position and the organization she had

helped to build? Work had been a top priority in her life, and I could not envision

the amount of suffering Eliza would have had to endure to prompt her to quit.

Eight years later, when I met her again in Toronto, she had already put the past

behind her. I felt that Eliza would be a good participant to share her stories of

overcoming a major career challenge in her life.

Our interview took place after a long day of work, and it lasted a bit longer

than expected, about one hour and thirty minutes. Eliza, an Asian Canadian in her

late 40s, shared stories of how she overcame sufferings, and also how she

cultivated a positive attitude in dealing with her challenges by embracing

compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness.

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 Eliza’s story.

Eliza and I have a few things in common about our respective childhoods,

one of which is that we both have a Chinese heritage.

I am Chinese Canadian and was born in Canada. In terms of my family,

my family has a very long history here on my father’s side. The first
immigrant was in the eighteen hundreds and my family has been here ever
since on my father’s side—I am first generation born in Canada on my
mother’s side. In terms of my childhood, I grew up in the city of Toronto
in a very diverse ethnic area. Primarily it was an English establishment
which grew to incorporate many different ethnic groups, all of which were
embraced by the community. To this day the various ethnicities are
prevalent and thriving in harmony where I was born. I have since moved
out of that neighbourhood but lived there through most of my life and still
go back on a regular basis to visit my family.

Eliza’s parents strongly emphasized embracing the traditional Chinese

family values in bringing up their children: hard work, diligence, and

perseverance of century-old Chinese customs.

I would say that I am very close to my entire family. My father passed

away about thirteen years ago. My mother is still alive and running her
own business out in the area where I grew up. I have two brothers and a
sister; I am the second of four kids. In my family life I am close to all of
my siblings and I tend to be the arbitrator, getting along with everyone and
always trying to help keep the peace amongst my siblings who, I would
say in general get along with one another. We’re a very close knit family.
I have two nephews from my older brother. In terms of how we interact,
we are always together at holidays. My nephews are in university now
and we always get together when they come to town on their breaks. So
we continue to maintain that closeness, and those family values have come
down through my parents: both sides have always encouraged and
emphasised how important a close knit family is, and we have always
done things together and continue to do things together.

Eliza has inspired me with her positive spirit, never giving up on people or

situations. She believes in the goodness in people, even those who have betrayed

her at work. She gives people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Eliza’s

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characteristics and values are shaped by her Chinese roots and the influences of

her parents, both of whom are her role models.

I know that it’s deeply ingrained. Of my parents, who is a stronger role

model? That’s a hard question to answer because both of my parents have
influenced each of their children in different ways. I would say that from
a family point of view, my mother probably is the one who has tried to
keep the family as a unit together and my father was always the one to
actually push the boundaries of the traditional family. The Chinese culture
tends to be somewhat rigid, and my father is the fun component in all of
that.

People who know Eliza well agree that she is committed to helping people

and to resolving any obstacles that put harmony at risk. In most circumstances,

she goes above and beyond her resources to meet challenges. She always

demonstrates a “can-do” attitude.

What, then, is her view on suffering? Eliza defines suffering as a

perspective that creates a sense of feeling bad.

In many ways, I think that suffering is often self-imposed if we let

ourselves get drawn into negative thinking. I always believe that there is a
silver lining in every situation and that we suffer only as long as we want
to unless we’re talking about physical pain. If we’re talking about mental
or psychological types of suffering through trauma in life, a lot of times
it’s how we look at things. It’s our perspective that creates that sense of
suffering and feeling bad.

To Eliza, suffering is impermanent. She described impermanence as the

ability to have a tough layer so that things do not penetrate to the point that you

are unable to deal with pain or suffering.

I think what it means is the ability to almost have a Teflon layer where
things don’t penetrate, to the point where you’re unable to deal with pain
or suffering. I also think that to be one hundred percent in a state where
nothing can penetrate and affect you is not necessarily a good thing. It
could mean that your emotions are one hundred percent shut down, and
that isn’t necessarily a good state to be in if you’re trying to grow from the

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 experience. I think that it is a good thing to go through a range of
emotions.

Based on her concept of suffering, Eliza described three significant events

which impacted her life.

The first event was the death of my father and the suffering that he
experienced, and as a result I could feel and see his suffering as he battled
cancer up to the point where he passed away. This included the continued
suffering of my mother after his passing and the various reactions of close
family members, sometimes coming out in anger, but all tied to the grief
of my father’s passing. The second thing I can recall that impacted me
was my own experience in my career: making a choice to walk away from
a very lucrative career where I had put my heart and soul into building a
company and ultimately needing to walk away from it to find greater
happiness. That was very difficult because it was leaving something that I
took great pride in and then having to search for something and not really
knowing what it was at the point of departure. The third significant event
in my life was probably a relationship that I ended about five years ago,
and finding the strength and courage to walk away from what I would call
major emotional suffering. In some ways that was tied to the whole career
choice as well, to an individual who had a huge impact on this whole
debate on whether one should stick to a traditional work life or find other
ways of making a living. So it was really challenging beliefs and values,
and me going through a personal journey of figuring out what resonated
with me and finding my own feet and my own place rather than listening
to all of the voices outside of myself. But also finding the courage to walk
away from the emotional suffering imposed by an individual who wanted
to influence me to a point where I would lose myself.

These three events happened within the six years between 1996 and 2002.

Eliza’s father was diagnosed with cancer in October 1996. Throughout the period

when he received treatments for it, Eliza’s family believed that he would beat the

cancer due to his positive nature. Unexpectedly, he passed away in June the

following year. To Eliza, losing her father and mentor was a difficult thing to go

through both mentally and psychologically.

I always believed that those three major events in my life were tied
together in some way: that my father’s passing propelled me into thinking
about what I was doing with my life because his ended far too early. In

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 that state of consciousness or searching, it opened me up to other
influences and people who I may not have been conscious of had I been in
a different state of mind. So I was definitely in a state of searching, and I
think that makes you open and vulnerable, perhaps, to things that you may
not have taken into your consciousness in a different state of mind.

The second event evoked a different kind of suffering; it was both

emotional and personal. She had spent a tremendous amount of time in her life in

the working world—the office was her second home. The choice to leave this

employment was devastating, and it took place a few years after the death of her

father in 2000.

The second event, emotionally, was very personal because I—as many
people do—defined myself through work. We spend so much time and so
much of our lives in the working world trying to achieve good things in
the corporate world. There was so much reward in what I did, that
walking away was like walking away from almost everything.
Emotionally it was somewhat devastating, and yet also liberating because
there was a positive to the amount of stress that had grown in the office
that was extremely difficult to deal with. The only solution seemed to be
to exit that environment. And I think that ultimately it was a positive
thing on the body; from allowing cancers to grow to walking away was
probably, in the long run, a very positive thing. And I felt that at the time
as well. To just remain in a miserable environment didn’t make sense; it
wasn’t a logical step. I think I’ve always been a little bit more dominant
on the logic side rather than the emotional side, so it was very much a
logical decision.

Eliza believes that everything is a continuum of one thing leading to

another. The series of these three events led her to review a lot of her

relationships and to re-examine what she valued in her life.

I think that the series of events that I described has also gotten me to a
point where I have been reviewing a lot of my relationships and
determining what’s good and what isn’t. I do believe these are all linked,
and that nothing stands alone. I’m still at that phase currently.

Eliza recognized the emotional pain associated with her romantic

relationship; she believed that walking away from it was the most appropriate

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approach to end the suffering. She felt that she could become more positive as a

result of this decision.

And the third event—the only way that I knew how to stop the emotional
pain was to walk away from the relationship that I was in entirely. I
remember the point just before making the decision to walk away, saying
to myself that all the suffering can’t be good. The moment that I made the
decision that I was going to end the relationship—and I was out of the
country and far away from my entire support system—was a very
significant moment in my life in terms of my own personal growth,
knowing that I had the personal conviction and strength to actually do
something very positive for myself. I was accused of being very selfish,
but I thought it was the most positive thing I had ever done for myself in
my life.

Eliza did not experience the classic emotional stages of grief in dealing

with her father’s death. She stated that her father had displayed most of these

stages.

Oddly enough, I don’t recall personally going through any of the

emotional stages when my father died—either before, during, or after his
death. I empathized with his suffering but did not see it as anything that I
could prevent or control. Certainly I vividly remember my father
displaying most of these stages; in particular, denial was the strongest.
Since the time between my father’s diagnosis with cancer and his death
was about 9 months, I would say that the denial stage with anger come in
bursts intermittently, especially during his first hospital surgery to remove
the cancer, and they lasted about 6 months until the cancer resurfaced and
he was told it had spread. At the point where he had to undergo radiation
and chemotherapy, I think he fell directly into depression, although it’s
quite possible he privately went through the bargaining stage. I don’t
think my father ever had the chance to reach acceptance except perhaps
with his last few breaths—I believe he decided he was ready to go—and
even through his depression he still believed that he would beat the cancer.
He still held out hope until he knew that we would all be okay, especially
my mother.

Through Eliza’s second suffering, the major shift in her career path, she

encountered denial, anger, and acceptance.

Due to the importance of my career and work life, this is the situation that
has caused me the most personal suffering. There are times when I

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 momentarily still slip into one of the emotional stages, so in all honesty,
it’s not fair to say “it’s over, past, behind me.” I think I’ve been through
the cycle at least once but from time-to-time, I still can’t believe it
happened. Of course it did but it’s still difficult to fully understand why.
Anger tinged with disbelief probably featured most prominently. It’s hard
to put a timeframe on it since it happened over 10 years ago. I have
moved on and have no regrets that I decided to leave but that doesn’t mean
that I accept that I had to leave. I still wonder sometimes, not with regret
but with curiosity, if I could have changed the outcome, gotten a better
result and not suffered or suffered as much.

Eliza recalled that she experienced the emotional stages of denial, anger,

depression, and acceptance in handling the separation of her relationship with her

partner.

I felt that I did go through the stages except for bargaining. I always knew
that this relationship would be an all or nothing venture. No middle road
would be acceptable to me. Either he was the right fit or he wasn’t. In my
mind, if he wasn’t right, I was okay moving on which is why I believe that
acceptance has been the longest stage because I am sure of my decision
and am at peace with it. At almost the instant that the decision came for
me to move on, I really have moved on. That was almost seven years ago
and I feel that I’m still in that acceptance stage. I am happy. I am content
that it ended and I wish him well. The relationship lasted eight years and
it had its ups and downs. Trust was a crucial factor and denial was what
kept it going for so long. My not believing what I should have known all
along—that he was not for me. Was there anger? Sure there was but I
think the anger I had was always directed at myself. What am I doing?
Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I love him? I was great at self
torture. Eight is one of my lucky numbers. Maybe that’s why the
relationship finally ended at eight years.

Eliza’s acceptance is manifested and signified in all three significant

events.

I miss my father tremendously but I understand that with physical life

there is eventually death. I believe in reincarnation so I believe my
father’s spirit lives on. I accept his death and celebrate having known him
and having had his influence in my life for so many years. I am grateful.
The career/job situation is not the best illustration of having “accepted”
the reality of the situation/incident even though I like to believe that it is
entirely over. The other two are better examples. If acceptance in this
situation is permanent, which it has to be I think, it is that I really do not

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 have regrets about making the decision I did. I was not willing to
compromise my integrity and peace of mind by overstaying my welcome.
I do believe that I did consider all my options and that all that was left was
to choose something unsavory to me, and I just would not ever sell my
soul. Knowing this, I have truly accepted and I do accept that that part of
my life is behind me, and I am making new advances or at least trying to
find other means of being happy. I have not yet reached the same pinnacle
of happiness that I once had at that job/career but I’ll know when I find it
again. The third situation is an even clearer example of acceptance in my
view. It is in the past and I am glad it’s in the past. If this individual re-
appeared in my life, I would assess things from the new point of meeting.
I have evolved, he has evolved. Nothing will ever be exactly the same
again, nor would I want it to be.

Eliza mentioned something that someone said to her around the time of

her father’s passing and the insight helped her to deal with her next two

significant challenges:

I remember her saying that “every now and then you have to stop and ask
yourself does this feel good? Does this feel right? And if the answer is
no, then you have to change course.” You basically have to be present,
you have to be conscious of how you’re feeling and whether or not what
you’re feeling is good for your or bad for you, and then you have to
change strategy accordingly. You have to get yourself out of a bad
situation, and if it’s good, well, continue doing it. But sometimes good
things, like a good meal, you can’t keep stuffing your face, you have to
know when to stop, too. There will come a point when you’re just too full
and you have to stop eating.

Eliza is assertive with her decisions to let go and to move on with these

life challenges. She has a strong sense of self-confidence and a belief that she is

in control of her choices: how she lives her life, and how she turns these events

around to her advantage.

I do believe we have a choice and I also believe that we are ultimately

responsible for the choices that we make, for making the choices and also
the outcomes and repercussions. We are accountable for all of that. If we
make a wrong move, we have the ability to fix it. That’s what I believe. I
do not believe we hand that over to someone else, to finish that for us. I
don't believe I'm powerless.

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 Eliza has a strong belief that there will always be obstacles in life and

things that will not go smoothly. She has two strategies for coping with them:

find a way to avoid them, or deal with them by confronting them. Avoidance is

only a temporary solution; the issues will come back again and again, not

necessarily in the same way but as a similar situation that will eventually have to

be dealt with.

I think that the same things keep cropping up over and over in your life.
You can ignore them, but there’s a reason why they keep coming up, and I
believe that that reason is so that we can learn the lesson that we’re meant
to learn in this life. And once you’ve learned it, those reminders go away.
Once and a while you’re thrown a test, and it can come up again to see
how well you actually learned it the last time, but as long as you are
looking for the lesson and you get the lesson then I think that you’re
allowed to move on.

Eliza cherishes opportunities to learn. She believes that allowing herself

to experience failure helps her in forming new strategies so that she can do things

better the next time and never beats herself up after making mistakes. She stated

that there is nothing wrong with making mistakes: “you often learn your lessons

better by doing something wrong the first time.” One of the most valuable

learning experiences for Eliza has been when she was able to see what she

extracted from difficult experiences. The insights helped her to move forward.

Let’s face it: life is getting shorter and shorter with each passing day—at
least our life in our physical form. It’s a necessary thing to do, to be
learning from the things that happen to us, and taking from that the lessons
that will improve our lives or propel us to the next stage, whatever that
may be.

Eliza has developed the ability to cope with challenges and suffering,

partially due to the need to overcome a lot of physical discomfort and pain that

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she experienced as an infant. By overcoming these challenges, she also gained

emotional strength.

When I was born I was a very sick baby, so I dealt with a lot of physical
discomfort and pain. I overcame a lot from a physical point of view.
Those physical traumas had a lot to do with the emotional side. I would
say that I was more naturally shy and withdrawn to begin with, and over
time, building the confidence and not denying the experience of failing has
really helped me to hone strategies with doing things better the next time.
I think I also have the strategy that one should never beat themselves up
for making mistakes. You can beat yourself up if you repeat a mistake,
but if you really learn from a mistake and not repeat it then you’ve done
very well. There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake, and you learn
your lessons better by doing something wrong the first time—you don’t
want it to be fatal—but if you’re able to see what it was that you were able
to extract from the experience I think that it moves you forward.

In overcoming roadblocks, Eliza applies a scientific approach and has

constantly analyzed how they are affecting her. She has a desire to better

understand human beings, human psychology, and individuals. She thinks that

everyone that she meets has helped her tremendously in shaping her views in how

to deal with people. Not wanting to be merely understood, she has worked to

understand that the people in her life are vital to dealing with whatever comes.

You are never able, in my belief, to have a solely untainted environment.

There is always going to be a human element, and therefore there will be
subjectivity to absolutely every science. There is always subjectivity to
every objective exercise and so knowing that, or believing that there is a
certain range of give-and-take, that you are never able to nail it using the
scientific, sociological, or psychological methods.

Eliza has argued that one-hundred percent certainty may never be

achievable. She believes her learning experiences were influenced by going

through a scientific approach and experimenting with objectivity, subjectivity, a

wide range of acceptance tests, and identifying the variances. In analyzing her

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three significant situations of suffering, Eliza has sometimes wondered what the

outcome would have been if she had chosen to take different courses of action.

It’s a constant analysis. Sometimes you’re wrong, and that’s okay.

Sometimes you make wrong assumptions—and they do say you shouldn’t
make too many assumptions—and you have to be very careful with
making wrong assumptions. That’s part of analysis; making assumptions
is part of analysis. You try and deal with fact as much as possible and you
try and stay as objective as possible and give the benefit of the doubt when
it’s warranted. I think that some of the techniques come from scientific
backgrounds, and teachings through school, by taking a lot of the sciences
and knowing what some of those objective methodologies are. Others
come from the desire to really understand human beings and the human
psychology of individuals. I think that that quest, in everyone that I meet,
has helped me tremendously in how I deal with people and situations and
relationships. Not only wanting to be understood myself, but striving to
understand that the other person is really vital to this whole experience of
being on this earth and dealing with whatever comes.

Eliza believes that her scientific approach comes from her Chinese

background. She thinks that human elements will cause subjectivity to be a part

of every analysis and that therefore, there is no purely objective exercise.

The scientific approach comes from, perhaps, being Chinese and being
extremely clinical about things and detached and un-emotional; and then
learning various scientific methods through school, experimenting and not
tainting things. The other part of it is that you’re never able to have a pure
untainted environment. There is always going to be a human element.
There is going to be subjectivity to absolutely every science and so-called
objective experiment. Subjective – objective? I don’t know that there’s
such a thing as purely objective. I think when things cannot be explained
in purely objective terms, you have to allow for the fact that no such thing
truly exists. The variants that you see may be attributable to the subjective
aspects of everything that we do. There’s always an element of
subjectivity. In measuring out a quarter of a cup, it’s a subjective decision
as to when you actually pull back on the pouring.

Although Eliza does not have a religion, she has gained exposure to

Buddhism and Christianity. She believes the purpose of her life is to continue

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learning; if not in this current life, her learning will continue in future lives

through reincarnation.

I wouldn’t say that I have a religion. I was raised with parents who were
closest to the Buddhist beliefs. I went to church and learned about god
and Jesus and all the bible stories and all of that—it came in very useful in
literature in school. And I do believe that there is a god. I have a desire to
understand all religions and all belief systems, and to choose from all of
that what my own belief system is. I don’t want to be so inflexible as to
lock myself into any one school of belief because I don’t think that there
has yet been one that I totally embrace. If my job on earth was done I’d be
somewhere else right now. So as long as I’m here I know that I haven’t
yet fulfilled my purpose and that I haven’t learned the lessons that I was
put here to learn. I’d better march on and I’d better figure that stuff out
and when I’m done then I can check out and go on to the next gig. That’s
the way I see it. Obviously from that you can tell that I do believe in
reincarnation or a continuous life force—that energy here continues on,
perhaps in a different form, in a different body. I don’t know how it
works, but I believe that when we’re done this assignment there’s another
one right after that.

In coping with her three significant events of suffering, Eliza applied some

Buddhist teachings to the situations. She learned to let go and let things be.

Because I believe that we are all one, and I believe in karma, mindfulness,
living in the present moment—although this one I don’t always do so
well—and most of all, impermanence, I find it is easier for me to forgive.
I have come to understand that the tighter we hold onto a belief, the less
likely we are ever to come to knowing the truth. Being too steadfast
blinds us to other possibilities. I have learned that when we hang onto
things, we actually slow down and even stop our growth. Because we are
all one, putting on the brakes also means we have an impact on everyone
else’s evolution. Or, should I say “our” evolution?

Eliza commented that the strategies and approaches in coping with these

significant events were primarily passed down to her from her father. She

continues to add new techniques to her toolbox from listening, probing and

learning from others.

I think I’ve been fortunate enough to have had a lot of people who have
passed through my life, such as my father, who have been unafraid to have

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 discussions of “another realm.” My father has been in this physical life of
mine from the beginning so I guess you could say I started early thinking
along a different track. I’ve always been different in how I look at a lot of
things. To survive, it hasn’t been easy because it’s hard to remain
authentic and harder still to know immediately who you can be authentic
with. I’ve been tripped up a few times but overall, I am still a fairly good
judge of character. Always coming back to the concept of “we are all
one” makes me dig harder to hopefully bring out the other person’s
authentic self, too. Approaches I guess would be being a good listener,
listening accurately, probing, and being non-threatening. It is not an exact
science and the technique and strategies have to be constantly honed for
each individual. The toolbox really has to be bottomless and sometimes
you have to forge new tools.

Eliza believes in herself. She has a strong sense of self-confidence; that

she can turn adversity into learning opportunities that she can take full advantage

of. These learning experiences continue to influence and change her life every

time they happen.

In terms of walking away from my last position, I don’t have any regrets
about doing that because I do think that it was a toxic situation and I do
think that walking away was the best course of action. Could I have stuck
around longer? To what gain? It would have just put off the inevitable.
Sort of like what you said earlier about things coming around and around
and avoiding an ultimate decision, I would just be hit in the face
repeatedly and reminded how miserable I was with the environment;
ultimately I would have had to make a decision, or that decision would
have been made for me. I do believe that when you’re unhappy it shows.

Eliza’s daily practices include a final analysis, which is a review of what

she has done each day. Although she really wants to get back to the practice of

daily meditation, she also seeks quiet time with herself and her thoughts. Peace is

extremely important to her. To conclude her day, Eliza remembers to thank the

universe for everything that she has and the people in her life and the support she

gets. She makes an effort to be grateful for everything.

I believe in laughter every day. If there’s anything that I do it’s to find

humour in many things. Another daily practice is to be grateful for

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 everything that is, and I try to remember to thank the universe for
everything that I have and the people in my life and the positives, for the
support, and for continuing to support that. I try to express that on a daily
basis, usually before I go to bed. I also wish I were better with certain
things. Time sometimes gets away, but I would really like to get back to
daily meditation because I find it to be an extremely peaceful exercise.
The thing that I do seek more than anything is peace. Peace meaning
being just with myself and my thoughts. That is a very important thing for
me, every single day I need to have that. I’m not one to be in a crowded
bar or room, or to seek out the noise and the chatter; I like quiet. I sit there
in silence and read, or just think, or do something like my nails. It’s a
contemplative state when you’re just with yourself and your thoughts.

Eliza commented that grieving has been an overlooked area. It conveys

weakness and most people tend to hide their feelings when they are deemed to be

too awkward to display in public. She also feels that the effort of pulling oneself

out of the doldrums is an important application to reinforce the strength of the

mind.

I think that what you’re doing is a very interesting study. I would be

interested in knowing how it comes out, obviously in confidentiality in
terms of the inputs. I think it’s an often overlooked area—grieving.
There’s a stigma tied to the whole concept of grieving in that it conveys
weakness, and that one should hide their feelings and get over it. And I
think that that’s against the natural pull. When I think about choices I
always think, well, what are the alternatives to approaching loss and grief,
and to be able to pull yourself out of the depths. To stay there isn’t a very
attractive place to be for very long. That has to do with strength of mind
as well, and on an individual basis when people are ready to pull
themselves out of the doldrums, that’s when they’re able to let the
principles of repeated positive patters remind them what’s important.
When you’re able to put your finger on those things it will make a
difference, and those who need that guidance are then able to focus on it
and it will eventually become like breathing.

The recognition of her sufferings has resulted in major shifts to change her

priorities in life, as well as her relationship with people.

My personal goals and values have not changed but my priorities in life,
relationships with those I care most about, and my lifestyle have. The loss
of my father made me more cognizant of the present and the value of

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 spending time with loved ones. I have not met anyone who I am
interested enough in to get into another relationship with but that’s
probably because it simply is not a priority for me. I am open to the
possibility but I’m not actively looking for it. The career change has
meant a decrease in income which naturally changes how one lives. I
have learned to understand and value my resources and resourcefulness
more than ever. The quality of my life hasn’t changed; it’s just different.

Eliza gained new insights from all three significant events. She expressed

that to live to one’s potential, one never stops living.

My father’s death reminds me that each physical life does have an expiry
and not to waste it as every day is a gift to your ability to cope with the
next day, as long as you are learning from your experiences. The career
situation reminds me that I had a career that brought out my passion and
that I was very happy in and that such passion and happiness does exist
and I can have it again. Most people don’t ever experience that level of
passion and happiness so I know I’m very fortunate. It’s not being greedy
but it’s an eye-opener that confirms what does exist and what is achievable
and beyond. The relationship issue I consider to be research. A way of
finding out what you like/don’t like in a life partner. In this search, you
are really learning about yourself. What more valuable lesson could there
be? My life’s mantra has always been “to live my potential.” The concept
of impermanence to me would imply that by living one’s potential, one
never stops living.

Sophia

A colleague at work urged me to reconnect with Sophia after hearing

about the nature of my research. Sophia and I had been out of touch for a year

following her retirement, and our mutual colleague assured me that interviewing

her would contribute significantly to this project. I decided to give her a call to

explain the purpose of my study and hoped that she would accept my invitation.

A familiar voice with a thick Hungarian accent answered the phone and was glad

that I asked her to participate—she accepted my invitation instantly without any

hesitation.

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 Sophia gave a strong first impression of a graceful lady, in a

grandmotherly way, when I first met her more than two years ago. I was a new

employee at that time and she was one of the few colleagues who gave me a warm

welcome to the department and answered all of my questions related to human

resources. Sophia’s cheerful nature helped to conceal her age, which was in her

late 60s. Because of this I was unprepared when she announced her retirement;

she looked at least 15 years too young to leave work. Her face did not reveal any

of the hardships she was enduring with an on-going battle with cancer.

My interview with Sophia was conducted over the phone because I was on

a short term assignment in Malaysia at the time. To my surprise, the telephone

connection did not create any barriers to our conversation which lasted for a little

over an hour. Sophia was very generous in sharing her life stories and in

discussing how she overcame the hardships of being a new immigrant when she

was a child in war torn Eastern Europe, and again when seeking asylum in

Canada when she was an adult. Later, her ability to persevere helped in her battle

with cancer, too. I have been deeply touched by this woman of strong courage

who has a will to live strong enough to last through any adversity. Her positive

attitude gives her a seemingly endless supply of energy to conquer battles and to

live life to its fullest. With the 12 hours time zone difference between Malaysia

and Canada and the intensity of our discussion, I nearly lost track of time while

we were speaking—it might have lasted much longer had her husband not called

her to dinner.

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 Sophia’s story.

Sophia was born in Budapest, Hungary during World War II. Her father

was in the army and was missing in action when she was born. Sophia never got

to meet him. Sophia’s mother was not able to work and take care of her at the

same time due to the struggles of the war, so she made the difficult decision to

leave Sophia in the hands of her mother (Sophia’s grandmother) in a small town

in Transylvania. Sophia’s mother returned to Budapest to work. Transylvania

was part of Hungary at that time, and less than a year later the war ended. With

its end, an unexpected new challenge emerged: Transylvania had been taken over

by Romania. New borders were put up and no one was allowed to cross them in

either direction.

I was seven years old when I was finally reunited with my mother and
when I met my step-father for the very first time in Budapest. So that was
a challenge because I missed my grandmother very much since she had
brought me up until I was seven years old. I had never known my mother,
really, because I was a baby when she left me in Transylvania.

This reunion was the first time Sophia met her mother and her stepfather.

Furthermore, the separation from her grandmother caused significant feelings of

loss. Her grandmother, who had brought her up until she was seven years old,

was closer to Sophia than her maternal mother.

It was very tough in Hungary and Europe in general. A lot of families got
separated after the war because of the border realignments. Areas of
certain countries got taken over by other countries after the war due to
political agreements, like with Transylvania. All my relatives were from
there, and it changed from being controlled by Hungary to Romania.
Because they put up the new borders after the war, my family was one of
many that were separated and I didn’t get to meet my mother until I was
seven. It was hard to start a new life in a new country as a seven year old
with a mother and father that I didn’t know.

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 After Sophia reunited with her mother and met her stepfather, they all got

along very well. She was accepted by both of them, especially her stepfather. To

Sophia’s surprise, she had to adopt a new family name.

He’s still like my real father. He was really great to me. I couldn’t ask for
anything better—he is my father, and I’ve always said that. Also my last
name changed because I had a step father. In fact, I didn’t even know he
was my step father until I was 16 years old—I always thought he was my
real father. So when I moved to Hungary to start school, they called me
by a different last name and I didn’t answer. When they repeated Sophia
and I said that’s me, they told me I had a different last name. I was crying
because I didn’t think it was my real name. When I told my mother she
told me that when I went to Hungary I had to go by a different name.

Sophia is grateful that she grew up with two loving parents despite the

social and political hardships people were facing during that time. Sophia

treasures the relationship with her parents.

My stepfather was really great to me. I found out by accident that he

wasn’t my biological father when I saw some old pictures of my mom
with another man. Well, at that point, when I was 16, I guess she figured I
might as well know. It’s kind of funny, I know. No, he’s my real father
and he was always there for me, and thank god that they’re both still alive
and doing very well.

Life was difficult during the communist regime. Sophia tried to remain

positive and did not want to go into too many details of her life behind the iron

curtain. The sweetest memory during that time was Sophia’s first love, and this

man became her husband four years after they met. They also became each

other’s best supporters when facing problems and crises in life.

I grew up in a Communist country. There were a lot of challenges there.

There was no freedom of speech or freedom of religion, and life was ruled
by a very hard Communist regime from Russia. So I met my husband
there when I was 15 years old and got married when I was 19. I was able
to immigrate to Canada through political asylum at the age of 23 and we
had some hardships then with the language. I didn’t speak English at all,

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 but we were in a free country and we were very happy to start learning the
language.

A new chapter began when Sophia and her husband made a courageous

decision to flee Hungary. They found an opportunity to travel to Austria. When

they arrived in Vienna, they went straight to the Canadian Embassy and applied

for political asylum and their applications were accepted a few months later.

Sophia and her husband were excited to start a new life in Canada, a country

where they believed that many freedoms and opportunities would allow them to

realize their dreams.

When we came to Canada by boat, we had about nine days on open seas to
meet people who were also coming over for the same reason that we were.
Believe it or not, we still have a few friends from that time. We kept in
touch and were always living close by, and we were like family to each
other because we didn’t have any family here in Canada. Our only
company at that time was ourselves, and then we found a Hungarian
community were we could go, like a cultural house. We were able to ask
for some information about where to go and what to do. Actually, when
we came to Canada we ended up in Kitchener. That’s where they sent us
because we asked for political asylum. Through some other Hungarians
who lived here already we moved to Toronto after a couple of months.
We used the little bit of savings that we had from working in Vienna for a
few months before coming to Canada.

Language and cultural differences were not the sort of obstacles that

would prevent Sophia from achieving what she came to Canada for. Every

challenge became a new learning experience. In a very short time, she began to

overcome the challenge of learning English. Despite the fact that there was very

limited social support for new immigrants at the time, Sophia managed to pick up

enough English to give her a chance to find a job.

After we moved to Toronto I was able to enrol in a government sponsored

program English course to learn the language, and my husband was able to
find a job with a Hungarian company—because he didn’t speak English

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 either—and I went to learn English. During the six months, which was the
length of the course, I got a part time job in a Hungarian cafe. Believe it
or not there was no dishwasher so I washed all the dishes while taking the
courses in the evening. After finishing the course I applied for a job in a
drug store. The way I got that job was that I went into the drug store to
buy something and there was a Hungarian lady behind the cosmetics
counter. I started talking to her and told her that I was looking for a job, in
case she knew anyone who would hire someone who had just come to
Canada. I told her that I could type on a type-writer, and she said that the
prescription typist had just quit and that she would ask her boss about it.
So the owner came and spoke with me, and I was really nervous with my
broken English because I’d only been in the country for about eight
months at the time.

This rare opportunity changed Sophia’s life forever.

He gave me a test and told me to type my name and address on one of the
old typewriters—do you remember them? I have to tell you that it was
like 45 years ago! So I typed my name and address, but of course the
Hungarian typewriters are a little bit different from English ones because
of all the accents we have over the letters, so it was a little hard. He stood
there and asked me some questions and then said, “I know some
Hungarians who have worked for me and they were all very good so I’m
going to hire you.” As a prescription typist! This meant that I had to learn
how to read the prescriptions written by doctors whose handwriting was
awful! I had to learn some medical briefings because when they write a
prescription they use abbreviations and Latin words, so not only did I have
to learn English I had to learn that as well.

Sophia thinks that everything is possible. She always applies her best

effort to overcome challenges and to accomplish goals. This job at the drug store

forced her to improve her spoken English and listening skills. A few years later,

she was promoted to a position known as the Front Store Buyer. Sophia was

constantly looking for opportunities to enrich her skills and knowledge. 13 years

after she started working at the drug store, she made another career change into a

different industry.

So it was really challenging at the beginning, and everybody made fun of

me and the way I spoke. I still have my accent, I know, but at that point it
was very hard. So anyway, I started to do that and stayed with that drug

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 store for about 13 years. Then I thought that I needed a change so I went
to take a keypunch course and got a job with a bank in the keypunch
department. I began to work myself up from there. My husband became a
supervisor for the company he was working for and later on he began his
own business as well. It worked out fine but it was very challenging at the
beginning.

Sophia explained that her positive attitude has been her best asset to

overcoming challenges in life and for when facing difficult situations. She

reminded herself how harsh life used to be when she was young and would let any

opportunities pass by that could improve her standard of living.

We were struggling to make ends meet. We came to Canada with just a

suitcase. No knowledge of the language, not much money, and a suitcase
each. But you know, when you’re young you can put up with a lot. I
always said that I’m going to do everything possible to extend my
knowledge a little bit, as much as I am able to. So both my husband and I
accomplished what we set out do to have a good life here and to learn and
do our best. We tried, and we are very happy.

One thing that held back Sophia and her husband’s happiness was the long

separation from their family members in Hungary; they were finally able to have

a reunion with them in the late 1970s. Since then, Sophia and her husband have

travelled back to Eastern Europe to spend more time with them.

It’s kind of hard to explain because there was also a bit of homesickness in
not being able to see your family anymore and anybody who was close to
you. Everybody was back there. Because of the communist regime in
Hungary, people were not able to go back to visit until `78 and nobody
was allowed to come out to visit us as tourists. That was kind of
challenging. We have been going back to Hungary for the last 12 years,
and before that it was about every third or fourth year because we couldn’t
really afford it.

In terms of suffering, to Sophia it means pain: both physical and mental

distress. She does not view suffering as long lasting, however. Her outlook in

life makes her look at suffering with a positive perspective.

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 With me it’s not long lasting because I always look at the positive inside
of everything. I always look at the good things in everything, so I always
say it could be worse and we can make it better. Because I’m a very
positive thinker, I think that suffering doesn’t really last.

At age 50, Sophia faced serious mental and physical distress. A diagnosis

of breast cancer was unexpected as she had always maintained a healthy lifestyle.

Her self-doubt did not take too long to end: without experiencing any emotional

turbulence, she accepted the reality and decided to deal with it in her usual

positive way.

It was very difficult to handle. I always wondered why at the beginning.

When I first learned that I had breast cancer, I reacted like I think most
people would. First I asked if they were sure, then I asked myself how
could it be? I’m a very healthy person, have never abused my body, and
have lived a healthy life. But this didn’t last very long. I figured that I
was actually lucky that I was diagnosed at an early stage and decided that I
will beat this and will not let it get me down. And then I realized that I’m
not the only one. I tried to deal with it. I had three separate surgeries: first
I had a lumpectomy in my right breast and then a partial mastectomy.
And then some of my lymph nodes were removed to see if the cancer had
affected any of them. Unfortunately one of them did contain cancer so I
had to go through a lot of medical tests to see if the cancer had spread to
other areas of my body. Luckily, there were no indications that the cancer
had spread. But since some of my lymph nodes had it my doctor said that
I had to have chemotherapy and radiation therapy, and then a drug
treatment for five years to prevent the cancer cells from coming back.
During that time it was difficult. I kind of took everything one day at a
time and had a lot of support from my husband. That was my health issue.
I was very upset at first, but my doctor showed me that the cancer was in
its very early stages and I had a very good chance to fully recover with the
suggested treatments. At that point I decided to use my positive thinking,
as always. I believed that I would be able to beat it—that’s the only way
you can cope with it if you don’t want to let yourself go. I think my
positive attitude and support from my husband made a big difference.

Although her health issues changed her daily routines and social life,

Sophia did not want the therapy treatments to take over her entire life. She

pushed through the extreme physical challenges and continued to work through

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her treatments. The management was very supportive of Sophia and allowed her

the flexible work arrangements that she needed to accommodate the stringent

treatment schedules. Sophia’s husband also contributed significantly to her

recovery and was her greatest support throughout the tough time she was

enduring.

During the treatments I didn’t have much energy and had no social life
because of the side effects, but my husband was very helpful and did
everything for me. He made it easier for me to deal with it. The other
thing that I did was I decided that I wasn’t going to stay home and think
about my problems. I had my chemotherapy every second Monday at the
hospital, and Tuesdays I had to stay home because of the side effects. The
following day, I went back to work. I worked as normal until my next
treatment. I did this for three months. I got my chemo every second
Monday, stayed home Tuesday, and went to work. This is the way I was
able to handle it: I kept my mind busy and didn’t have time to think about
anything negative. I just thought that this would help me through it, and it
did. And I did the same with my radiation therapy. I worked every day
until four in the afternoon when I went to the hospital for the treatment.
My husband picked me up and brought me home, and he was absolutely
wonderful. He had dinner ready for me and I didn’t have to do anything at
all. I just had to think about recovering and I didn’t have a lot to worry
about because he really helped me a lot. And working while doing my
treatments helped me as well because I didn’t sit at home thinking about
the problems and maybe getting depressed. I didn’t want to be unhappy.

Sophia wanted to keep her days as busy as possible and did this with an

attitude that “life must go on.” However, because she worked full days and the

medical treatment was conducted after work, she was physically too exhausted to

cope with the situation. I wondered if anything bothered Sophia at all during this

time. She disclosed a little secret to me.

I’ll tell you something that might sound really silly: when my oncologist
told me that I would have to have chemotherapy and that I would lose all
my hair, I panicked. I said “I’m going to lose all my hair! How am I
going to look? What am I going to look like with no hair?” That was my
biggest problem. She said “Don’t worry, your hair is going to grow back.
I guarantee it—it might not be the same colour, but you will have hair.

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 After the first chemotherapy, within 10 days I was going to lose my hair. I
came home and I told my husband that I didn’t want to wait until my hair
fell out, so let’s shave my head. If I couldn’t have control over losing my
hair, I wanted to control when I was going to lose it. So I got a couple of
very nice looking wigs and my husband helped me shave my head. Then I
went to work with a totally different look. People who didn’t even know
what I was going through said “Oh—that’s nice hair! But what made you
change it?” It was one of the managers who asked me that question, and
he said “my gosh I’m sorry.” I told him “that’s okay, it doesn’t matter.”
It was silly of me to worry because I was always so fussy about how I
looked. If I looked good I felt good, right? So looking good meant a lot
to me all the time. Then I started thinking and realized “no, it’s okay, we
can do this. I’ll get my hair back.”

Sophia accepted the physical changes and found a way to cope with them.

Rather than waiting for problems to come to her, she dealt with them proactively.

After the series of treatments her health seemed to improve until about three years

ago.

Until about three years ago things were fine, but three years ago there was
another lump that we found in my chest, and unfortunately it was
malignant. It had to be surgically removed. Thank god it was caught at
the very early stages—I’m constantly under doctor’s supervision. Every
six months I see an oncologist. At that point I had to go through a lot of
testing and they noticed that I had some cancerous cells in my thyroid. I
had another surgery to have my left thyroid removed and I’m on
medication. I feel fine, and to follow up I’m scheduled to see my
specialist in April. They always do the tests because the right side is in
there still. I’m still on drug treatments for five years, with two years left
to go, but I’m fine—I’m doing really good.

Sophia did not allow herself to fall into depression. She maintained a

positive attitude throughout her treatments which inspired people around her.

A lot of people handle these things differently. Some people like to grieve
over it, but I figure that it’s not my way. I’m looking at it from a positive
point of view, and I’m a happy person when there are big challenges. I
didn’t want anything to make me unhappy. At that time, with the bank,
there was a doctor’s office on the premises and there was a nurse who said
“I have never met anyone who has gone through all of what you’re going
through and worked all the time through it. It’s amazing—I tell all my
patients.”

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 Sophia was offered professional counseling sessions at the hospital where

she received her treatments but decided to apply her deeply rooted positive

attitude independently. Sophia is a big believer that everything is hopeful and

possible. She reminded me that she came from an environment with no future or

hope that was ensnared in an oppressive communist regime. Then, after she

moved to Canada, she made the best of any situation that presented itself to her.

She had major shifts in her life and took control of them on every occasion.

And I would tell anyone who listened that this worked for me, so try it.
Don’t give yourself too much time to grieve. Coming from washing
dishes in a restaurant and then working in a drugstore, and being able to fit
right in, those people were amazing; the owner was amazing. He had a lot
of trust in me. He always said that he knew I could do it. Thank you!
That meant a lot too, that I had a lot of people that trusted me and had faith
in me at that time. And everything was possible.

Sophia does not engage in any daily rituals or spiritual practices.

However, she has a good connection with nature. She lives in a suburban area,

and taking a walk in nature is more than a casual activity to her: it is an essential

self-healing exercise. It makes her feel reconnected with her energy and spirit.

When I was younger I played sports but when we came to Canada I didn’t
have the time. But we always went out in nature, walked a lot, and went
camping. That was a certain exercise and a way of life that calms you
down and makes you happy. And that’s our passion. We love nature.

Sophia has little understanding of the Buddhist teachings. Her spiritual

practice comes from a special voice which repeats a message to her. This
message has become her guiding principle every time she is confronted with
challenges and difficulties in life. When asked what routines she used to keep
herself balanced through her illness, she replied:
The only thing that I used was my positive thinking and my belief that I
was going to be okay. There was this voice deep inside me that told me
that I can do this if I believe. I never stopped believing. The whole idea
that if it works for me, then it should be okay. I wish that other people

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 would use this kind of attitude because I know a few people, from work
even, that really let themselves go and don’t think positively. They just
look at the negative side of things, which is a bad thing to do because it
will make you unhappy and unwell.

Since the recognition of her health situation, Sophia felt that a major shift
in her life has been the change in her personal goals and values. This new insight
helps her to value every day even more, and live each day to its fullest. She is
also determined to remain happy all the time.
My personal goals and values have changed a little bit because I want to
spend as much time as possible with my family and friends. I look at what
makes life worth living and make the best of it. I see the good in
everything and pain disturbs me when I see someone unhappy and
negative. What I learned from this experience is that life is precious and
you should not take it for granted. Live each day to the fullest and be
happy.

Linda

I met Linda when we were working together in Singapore where she was

the Assistant Human Resources Manager of my department. My first impression

was that she had a quiet presence. She always seemed to be working

independently and seldom asked for help. Later, I also learned how family-

oriented she was; she told me that the reason she left her previous employers was

due to the long working hours, which were common in Asia. Her husband had

worked for a Japanese company where his work had come to dominate his life.

Being a working mother of two sons, Linda worked efficiently so that she could

leave work at a reasonable hour every day to spend more time with her children.

It was easy to see that her top priority was family.

After I left the company, Linda and I stayed in close contact. One day I

received a phone call from her informing me that she would be having an

operation within the next few days. She had gone for an annual medical check-up

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and the doctor had discovered a lump in her chest. After two further tests, the

cells in her chest were found to be cancerous. Linda was ordered by her doctor to

have an operation as soon as possible and was both devastated and unprepared for

this news. Gathering herself, she informed her employer and applied for short-

term medical leave.

After the operation, Linda started a new lifestyle. She took an interest in

new age practices which included alternative healing therapy and reading self

help books that focused on cultivating a positive mindset. There was one

advantage to recovering at home which was that she had the opportunity to spend

more time with her children. Perhaps this contributed to her speedy recovery.

She regained her strength very quickly and began to look forward to returning to

work and resuming her normal life. To Linda’s surprise, when she contacted her

employer to discuss the arrangements to return to work, her employer told her that

the company wanted her to sign a mutual agreement that would terminate her

employment. Linda knew that she did not have a choice and that she had to

accept this proposal, and was given a reasonable compensation package in

exchange for her cooperation. These two losses, of her health and her job,

happened within 12 months. Coping with the loss of her employment very well

and she took some time to find a suitable job which offered the work-life balance

she wanted. Furthermore, after her operation she set about to rebalance other

priorities in her life.

I contacted Linda for a telephone interview when I was in Asia and found

her to be in very good spirits. She had found a good balance between her family

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and her new job, and, most importantly, a valuable new strategy for facing

challenges. Our interview lasted approximately one hour. The story of how

Linda’s inner strength helped her to overcome serious obstacles and cause

spiritual growth has touched me deeply. Her courage to overcome illness by

cultivating positive energy and letting go of unpleasant childhood memories has

also inspired me.

Linda’s story.

Linda is a Chinese-Singaporean in her late thirties who was born and

raised in Singapore. Her mother came from Hong Kong and was rather isolated

as a foreigner in Singapore; a housewife did not have many opportunities to make

friends there. This likely contributed to Linda being brought up in a very

controlled environment and being forced from a young age to keep her mother

company as much as possible.

Through my mother’s first two years in Singapore, she stayed with a big
family and did not really blend in, which was why she needed to move out
to be on her own. My recollection of childhood is that I was always alone.
We didn’t really mix with the neighbors. When I was young I was very
active—I liked to run about, I liked to go out to play with my neighbor—
but I think that my mom couldn’t manage me so she kept me at home.

Although Linda was her parents’ first born child, she did not get much of

their attention. Her younger brother came along three years after she was born

and received the bulk of her parents’ focus. As a child, she felt that he was much

better liked. There may have been other factors at play, too.

My mom shared with me that she had a hard time bringing me up because
I was not an easy baby, so she was very appreciative when my brother
came and he was the perfect baby. He just ate, slept, and everything was
fine.

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 To put it simply, Linda did not enjoy her childhood. Due to her mother’s

controlling nature, she was not permitted to participate in her school’s extra-

curricular activities. This contributed to early symptoms of depression in her life;

she was withdrawn and upset most of the time.

Now, when I look back, I would describe my childhood as very lonely and
say that I didn’t get much of my parents’ attention. I don’t recall my
father being at home very much because he was always working, so it was
always me and my mother, and later on my little brother. Then, as I grew
older, I enjoyed school because I had friends—I hated holidays because it
was so boring to be at home. At that time we didn’t have a television and
I wasn’t allowed to play with the neighbors because my mother was afraid
that I would get lost, so at the most I could play outside of my house or
right next door. So my memory of childhood is that it was really boring
and that I loved school, and then I was really active which is why I have a
lot of scars on my face. My mom was afraid to let me loose and was very
protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things. As I grew older I
wanted to be very active, but was constantly disappointed when there were
school activities that I couldn’t take part in—I like basketball, I like ball
games, I like swimming—and I wasn’t allowed to take part because it was
considered highly dangerous because my parents weren’t around to watch
me. I was very upset and unhappy because my mom talked to my teacher,
who happened to live on our street, and told her that I was not allowed to
take part in basketball.

This extremely controlling behavior caused deep seeded anxiety and

unhappiness. At a young age, she considered a suicide attempt.

There was a time in my primary school that I was going to jump out of a
window. I can’t recall why. I know I pushed a chair to the window at the
back of the kitchen, and I then I stood on it and thought about jumping. I
can’t recall why I wanted to die. I also realized that it wasn’t high enough
for me to die, so I thought it would be horrendous and decided to look for
a better solution and pushed the chair back. I was very depressed, but I
don’t know why I wanted to do that. Recently I have started some
counseling sessions and have begun to take some courses, and this
experience was re-visited and re-discovered—that I had a suppressed
childhood.

Linda’s unhappiness continued into her teenage years. She found herself

becoming more withdrawn and focusing too much on her academic work. She

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felt that the best strategy was to try to please the people in her life, and

particularly her mother.

As a child I was very active, and because I loved my parents a lot I would
not do things they didn’t want me to do, even though I didn’t like it. So
there were a lot of suppressed emotions. As I grew older and went to
secondary school I had a turning point in sec 2 or sec 3 (sec 2 or sec 3 is
equivalent to the sophomore or junior years of high school in the North
American education system), and I felt myself closing up because I
couldn’t manage a lot of things. There was a time when I changed
secondary schools. All the while I had been the centre of attention, having
performed quite well in school, and the teachers knew me and the world
felt great, but when I changed secondary schools—although I did well
academically—I was not one of the top students anymore and felt
threatened. I did not know how to manage because there were so many
people who were great up there. And then I started to feel a little bit ugly
because I had zits on my face and things like that. I used to be on this
good team for badminton, but when I switched schools they said that the
team had already started training and that they were not keen to take on
new members. They didn’t even ask me to try-out. I felt so rejected.
That also added on to me being new in the class and everything. I really
think that that was a turning point and then I closed off a lot. Friends from
that school who got to know me at that age and friends from my primary
school had very different perceptions of me. The earlier friends would say
that I was very active and very easy going, but the other people would say
that I was quiet and soft spoken, cold, and didn’t really interact a lot.

Linda hid her true interests and ambitions in order to play the role of an

obedient child. This was her method for survival at early age. She also

questioned the purpose of her life, feeling that if she continued to live under the

strict rules of a dominant mother she would never have true freedom. She only

found out much later in her life that she grew up in an abnormal environment

which was saturated with anger, frustration, and a lack of communication

amongst family members. These were her early experience of suffering. When

asked what suffering meant to her, she replied:

It’s not really physical pain; I think it’s more about mental suffering. I
also only discovered this in sessions with my Reiki teacher this year. We

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 realized—when the question came up “what was your childhood like?” —
that I thought my childhood was normal. I thought I had a normal family
because I had both of my parents, and my mom was a housewife. But as
we explored my past, I had to accept and acknowledge that I didn’t have a
normal childhood. It was very suppressed, and my parents didn’t really
communicate. There weren’t a lot of quarrels in our home—it was always
very quiet. There were generally few conversations, and that is why I
always felt very lonely.

Due to a financial crisis in her father’s business, Linda did not have the

opportunity to pursue higher education. Once again, she fell into the trap of doing

“the right thing” to avoid conflicts and to avoid disappointing her family.

My father went bankrupt when I was in secondary school. I always

thought that I would go to university, but when the family financial crisis
happened I didn’t even ask. It was just not possible, and being sensible I
didn’t even ask. Even though I wouldn’t like it, I realized that I would
have to go to a polytechnic school because it would equip me for work
after three years. Going to university was a dream that was not carried
out. At that time it affected me deeply, but it was just brushed it off.

Amongst all of the oppression that Linda felt at home, there seemed to be

limited options to getting out from underneath it.

From a very young age I always felt lonely and unloved. My mom would
always say that when you’re 21, or when you get married, she would no
longer be able to control me. That was imprinted very strongly, and I
believed that the only way to get freedom was to get married. So I
registered my marriage and the age of 21, but I was wrong: my mom
didn’t keep her promise.

Linda’s disappointments didn’t end there. She found that despite

taking on more adult responsibilities, her family’s control over her life

remained

At my first job, I worked in a big company where everyone was about the
same age. There was a department outing to Genting, Malaysia, but my
mother wouldn’t allow me to go because it was overnight. This felt just
like when I was in secondary school and wasn’t allowed to go to
barbecues or other after school activities because I had to be home by six
o’clock. I felt angry that my mom did not keep her promise. She told me
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 that once I was old enough I could enjoy more freedom, and yet when I
wanted to go with the company on the trip—and my supervisor even
offered to speak to my mom and tell her that we’d be in the same room
and that she would take care of me—but I still couldn’t go. I felt like a
fool because everybody at work was like “how come your mom still does
this to you?” I missed all the fun. So then the next thing I tried was
getting married. But then my mom told me that only traditional marriages
are considered marriages in her eyes. So again it was like—what is this?
I felt so irritated by the whole thing. I worked towards getting myself
better off. Honestly it was not easy because I did not find myself a rich
boyfriend—my husband was even poorer than me and had no savings
when we met. And then later on, when we were planning to save up to
have a traditional marriage—I think when I was about 22—he told me
that he wanted to return to full time studies at the local university. My
heart sank. I knew that I couldn’t stop it because I didn’t want him to
blame me for preventing his career from advancing. I just let it go and he
went back to school to study. I was actually very proud of myself. I saved
a lot through those years with my minimum salary. So I finally had a
traditional marriage when I was 24.

Traditional marriages are very common in Asia. Chinese wedding

ceremonies are held on a specific day according to the Chinese zodiac calendar.
The highlight of the ceremony is the offering of tea to both the bride and the
groom’s parents and relatives. The celebration of the union of the newlyweds
usually ends with a lavish banquet. Chinese generally accept traditional
marriages as the formal recognition of a union rather than the civic ceremony.
Linda enjoyed her new life after she got married in a traditional ceremony. This
happiness was short lived, however.
It was very happy for me for a while, but then things took a turn. I got
pregnant very quickly, and we were not financially stable so there were a
lot of challenges. My husband started his career and was working a lot of
hours, so I was alone again. It was difficult to always be alone with the
baby, even in the evening and on weekends because he needed to work
then as well. I think I fell into a deep depression. When the baby was five
months, I had thoughts of jumping off of a building again. I didn’t do it, it
was just on my mind. I didn’t have the courage to do it. I continued to be
unhappy for about two years.

Things got more complicated when Linda’s parents took interest in

looking after their grandson. This created both mental and physical stress and she
had already returned to work, too.

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 Initially, it was my mother in law who wanted to make things easier for
me and help with the baby, but then one or two months before I gave birth
she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was not in good shape at all.
My mom, all along, did not like to look after babies, so she wasn’t really
much help. For the first year we had a baby sitter, so things were
relatively good. But then my parents came back into the picture when my
son was one year old because my father wanted to play with his grandson.
So he wanted to look after him, but the person who actually did was my
nana (mother-in-law in Chinese). Of course my mom was not happy at
all. This went on for some time and it caused a lot of additional pressure
because we didn’t have a car and we lived far away from my mother.
Every morning I had to take the first bus at 5:45am to bring the baby to
my mom’s house before going to work. And then after work I’d go back
to my mom’s place to pick him up and bring him back home. This lasted
for a few years. This period was very tedious because my mom was
always nagging that she could not handle my son, and insisted that I got
home on time every day. That put me in a very difficult spot with my
supervisor because I had to insist that I always leave right on time at the
end of the day, causing conflicts at work. I really didn’t know why my
life had to be like that; it was very difficult. Things only started to get
better when my son began kindergarten.

Linda had to change jobs and find an employer who would not require her

to work overtime. She finally found a better work-life balance with a position at

an American based financial institution as a Human Resources Assistant

Manager. Two years after she settled into her job, Linda had a shocking

discovery when she went for an annual medical checkup.

I actually discovered the lump before I joined the American company, but
it was a small one and our medical benefits only began after three months
of employment. I went for the initial scanning and they said that they
wanted to do further tests on it. The first time I went to see a specialist
who was the company’s doctor—after I confirmed that I could use the
benefits—I didn’t feel good with her at all. I didn’t like the way she
handled the whole thing, so I did not continue to see her. She had asked to
take out the lump and we did a series of checks, and then when I went
back I did not get to see her—I only got to see her assistant. Her assistant
told me that the doctor wanted me to go for surgery. I just didn’t feel
connected with the doctor because—to me it was a big thing, maybe to her
it wasn’t. I needed assurances about the procedure and the chance to ask
some questions. The assistant wasn’t able to answer them because she
was just carrying out the orders of the doctor. So I didn’t feel comfortable

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 and I just left. I only reconsidered this decision a year and a half later, and
that was when they confirmed that it was cancerous.

Linda and her husband were not given much time to find more information

and to seek consultation from other doctors. Both of them were exhausted,

confused, and devastated.

At the time when they confirmed the cancer, it was actually at stage two
and had spread to the lymph nodes. So they said that there was no point to
do the chemo because it wouldn’t help. They had to do the surgery first.
From the first time I went to the doctor to the day I had the operation was
only a week and a half—it all happened very quickly. That week and a
half was very tiring and very tedious because I had to go to the hospital to
do a series of tests to confirm that it wasn’t spreading to other areas, and to
confirm that I could be operated on. And then, of course, I went for a
second opinion as well. This confirmed the results, so I stayed with the
first doctor. The effects of the surgery were very bad. I didn’t expect it
because I thought it was a only a simple surgery to take out a lump, and I
even told Carlene, the regional head of Human Resources, that I would
only be away for a week for a simple surgery. But after the check-out it
was completely different. Even though I was working when I got back
from the surgery I felt very lost. When I stepped out of the office and the
orders started coming in, I was frightened because I didn’t know what was
going to happen. It was a tiring period for me and for my husband.

With mixed feelings, she told as few people as possible about it.

They were taking it very seriously and saying that it had to be done as
soon as possible because it was not contained within the region and had
already spread. They said that they needed to act fast. I was not given
much time to think, and yet could see the urgency of it. I actually went to
the Cancer Centre, which is government funded, where unless it’s urgent
they would not schedule you in such a short time. Normally you have to
wait for months for a date. I had already dragged it out for a year. I tried
to do whatever I could to increase my knowledge about the procedure but
it didn’t help. I just wanted to be alive so I had to do it. I wasn’t given
many options to proceed. I couldn’t believe it because, on the check up,
he just pressed on my lump and didn’t do any testing. And when I was
getting dressed he said to my husband “I can safely confirm that it is
ninety-nine percent likely to be cancer.” My whole world just collapsed
and I cried.

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 Linda experienced four emotional stages of dealing with her grief. She

recalled how she was in denial when she received the results to confirm her first

cancer. She said:

My tears just flowed down immediately and I could not accept it. I
thought “How could this happen to me!” I was in a daze for the whole day
and do not know how I managed to get through it.

Linda felt anger inside her and kept questioning why this had happened to

her. She felt that life was unfair.

I had this anger, but it was not the kind that was loud with screaming and
stomping around. It was rather one that gnawed away at me with
questions like “why me?”, “what did I do wrong?”, and “how is this
possible?”

Linda said that she did not recall going through a bargaining stage, maybe

because things were happening too quickly for her at the time. She was just

happy to be alive after the surgery. She decided she would take an active role in

managing her life, making a change from depending on the mercy of others.

I don’t think I bargained at this stage. Then after the operation I was just
so happy to be alive and decided that I needed to do something for myself.
One thing was for sure, after meeting the oncologist on the follow-up
treatment I decided not to have any further invasive treatments done to my
body since nothing was guaranteed. I remember telling myself that I
wanted to chose my own way of living and not be on a bed at the mercy of
others to help me.

Linda decided to deal with her depression and emotional needs and sought

guidance from counseling services. She has continued regular sessions with a

network called Innerwork, “I went into counseling sessions with Innerwork and

am still doing regular sessions yearly. I am grateful to have had some guidance

when I needed it.”

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 Linda accepted her situation with a new insight: she perceived her trials as

a rare life learning experience. She came to appreciate her personal growth as a

result of this health issue.

I now accept what I have gone through. I am a winner. I gained a lot

from this experience and am very grateful and fully appreciative of what
life has taught me and is still teaching me. It brings me hope and strength,
which I may never have discovered if not for cancer’s arrival years ago. I
am thankful.

Linda also realized that her acceptance was manifested by a change of her

personality: she became calmer. This change was also noticeable to her family

members. She stated, “I have become much calmer and this change has been

noticed by my spouse and his sister.” Due to the urgency of the situation, Linda

did not know how to handle sharing the news with others. While recovering after

the surgery, she finally decided to tell the news of her health issues with a few

close friends. They all offered different kinds of support, and one of her visitors

gave her a book on natural healing therapy. This piqued her interest and she was

inspired with hope.

When one friend came to visit she brought a stack of photos that her sister
had given her about different diets and exercises I could do. I felt touched
that I had some friends around to support me. And then, during the period
when I was in the hospital, one of my husband’s colleagues passed along a
book for me to read. It was on natural healing therapy and Agaricus
mushrooms. After reading that book I felt very inspired and full of hope
that we could proceed with natural healing strategies.

Linda was interested in learning more and began to share the new

resources with her husband. He managed to find additional reading materials for

her. Both of them began to explore the path of natural healing, which she found

both exciting and rewarding.

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 My husband also brought some magazines about this kind of healing, and
I was inspired and interested because I had never been exposed to it
before. I noticed that one of the magazines that he got from an organic
shop had been produced locally and also that there was a website address
from Singapore on it. I was very excited because it meant that I could get
some help locally. Other books that I read had been printed and produced
in Taiwan, and also in the States, which was too far away for me. Once I
got out from the hospital I sent an email to the local organization to tell
them briefly that I had cancer and wanted to explore some natural therapy.
Although I didn’t expect much, the person in charge invited me down to
the place where they met. I was very grateful and went with my husband,
and that was the start of everything that she shared with me. Of course to
me it was fine—I’ll try anything. The first step was to go to a counseling
session with her, and I had to wait three full months. My first session was
in December, and I’d had the operation in the end of June; in between I
had been resting at home. I brought my son down to wait for the school
bus and ran into a neighbor. She saw me and asked why I’d lost so much
weight and was so thin, and I just told her that I’d had a cancer operation.
She was very helpful, and then she told me about Reiki. In fact she was
the first person to mention it to me, and as it happened there was a course
on it starting soon. I was at a stage where I would try anything. I was
quite grateful that my husband went with me. So we went and it was a big
turning point for us, and we really started to see that there were options
besides the current Western way of treating medicine. It opened a lot of
things for me. I think I felt more comfortable because of it, and because
of counseling sessions, too.

This twist of fate turned Linda to natural healing. She was determined to

make a profound decision on her own, and followed up on these choices.

A month after the surgery I should have been starting the treatment, but
then every check up that I went back for I was sick. I had a fever or I
wasn’t well, so the nurses and doctors said that you can’t start treatment
now because you’re not healthy enough. In the end they just said to come
back when you’re well. I decided that I didn’t want to go because the
treatment that they recommended was considered the toughest and the
longest type. I thought that I didn’t want the chemotherapy because the
cancer had not spread. My bone scan and everything was clear. What
they needed to do was actually precautionary. So I told myself “I don’t
think I want to go through that.” This decision was coupled with the fact
that I had an ex-colleague at a previous workplace and a colleague’s sister
who both had cancer and didn’t make it. This wasn’t at all encouraging—
I didn’t see successful cases immediately in the people that I knew. So
then I told myself that if I was to leave this life within two years I wanted
to do it happily. I wanted to have the freedom of choice. I didn’t want to

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 be confined to hospitals and homes and all of the stresses which were
going to be very difficult for my family. I couldn’t have my husband
resign just to look after me. So I told myself no, I’ll do it the other way. I
will try to do research on the internet for other things that can help me.

Linda has said that she is not a practicing Buddhist. She is, however,

interested in learning Buddhist teachings, “I am still learning and exploring the

deep meaning of mindfulness and the present moment, which is simply not that

easy for me because I was brought up to see speed and perfection as the way of

life.”

During our interview, Linda told me that she had just found a new lump.

It had been two years since her last operation, and in this time she had done more

research into the cause of her illnesses and had determined to make changes in her

life to cope with them.

I buy into the idea that we can heal ourselves. I can share with you now
that I actually have a lump that appears on my right side below the collar
bone, and I’m going to deal with it myself. I want to be able to choose on
my own. So I think that life will go on as normal. To me, after these few
years, this lump is actually a message that maybe there was something that
I didn’t honor along the way, or maybe that it’s time for me to look deeper
into myself. Or maybe there are some things that I need to change? So
this is how I see it. Of course, on and off there are times that I feel scared.
Even though I go for checkups and tests, and with the size of the lump
they want to do an operation, but I don’t think that’s what I want.

Linda has also embraced Reiki healing as part of her life. Compared to

the last time I saw her, Linda appears to be more calm and peaceful. She also

feels equipped with a better sense of empowerment.

I started with attending Reiki and then Innerwork, which are my new
teachers that I see to help bring me forth in the remaining of my lifetime
on this plane. It’s already part of my life. Whenever I remember, I am
always doing it. I think it’s good. The course that I signed up for actually
has a life-long membership. They have classes this week and I’m going to
see my teacher. I’m going to speak to her about my lump and see what

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 she has to say. So I think all this will be very helpful. I feel good in a way
that I know that I can have a lot of resources. I feel much more equipped
than the last time around.

As part of the transformations in her life, Linda started going on retreats

that focused on self-discovery. She learned to take quiet moments to conduct

self-inquiry and listen to her inner self. This experience helped her to find out

that she can learn a lot from nature.

I really appreciated the retreat that I went on. The first one was in the first
year of my course and while it was okay, I didn’t really feel much benefit.
We had classes and it was quite fun. But I think as you move on to year
three, which is the final year of our retreats, it is much more powerful. We
had been exposed to more topics by this point so this retreat was very
healing for me. I had never done meditation or yoga, and on this retreat I
was very happy with the teachings and the courses. It gives us exposure to
different modalities and different ways of bringing peace and ease to
ourselves, because sometimes meditation doesn’t work. Our teacher
opened a lot of alternatives to us. Some people like to use Tarot cards and
others like to do things like drawings. So she exposed us to different ways
of doing things and expressing ourselves. During the trip we had two days
of going into nature, and we had some ceremonies and then we walked
around in it. We were told to try to see what we were attracted to, or what
spoke to us, and then to just slow down and see what those things could
teach us. And it was amazing. You’re not actually affected by other
things, you’re on your own. I realized that we need quiet time on our own
which, nowadays, most of us don’t have because we’re always keeping
ourselves so busy. Even after work there are often appointments and other
things that keep us running around, not to mention that when you go home
you have kids and television and who knows what else. So we don’t
really have time for ourselves to go inside and ask “how are we doing?”,
or time to just reflect on ourselves. So this retreat was actually very good
because it taught us to sit still. Some of my friends did rock meditation, I
was like “wow—what is rock meditation?” So when I went to the nature
park, what spoke to me was the waterfall and the water. For some people
it was the leaves or the insects, or they saw a butterfly, or certain rock
formations, but for me it was the water.

On her retreat, Linda connected with nature and found a sense of

tranquility. It was a self-healing experience which can be very simple to achieve.

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Linda felt that nature sent her a message with new insights to help her become

unblocked from past experiences which she’d had a difficult time letting go of.

When I look at the waterfall I thought of my father, my mom, and I saw

my child. So I felt that I was still holding onto the relationship I had with
my parents when I was a child—you know the love I didn’t get? I needed
to move forward, and ultimately I had to find a message because we were
supposed to have some learning to share with the group. The thing I
learned was that the past is over and I had to move on. The waterfall is
always moving, and nothing is set and nothing is real; nothing is there
forever. Everything just flows. So even if you’re hurt or if you’re stuck in
unhappiness, it’s fine because it just flows. So I just needed to let certain
things flow through me because when they are suppressed, things were not
flowing. And then it came to me that this is why I may have lumps here
and there, because I have stuck energy inside my body that I have been
suppressing over the years. I discovered that this has something to do with
water. I felt very happy for the first time in my life—I’d never been to the
sea and the beach because my mom never allowed it when we were
younger. So, on Saturday, we went to the beach! I went into the water. It
was very different—I’d been in a swimming pool but it wasn’t the same at
all. It was the first time and I just—I think that it was good enough for me
as a starter.

Although her illness affected her health and nearly turned her life upside

down, Linda perceived the experience as a positive opportunity for her to make

changes and to heal her wounds from the past. She saw an opportunity for a

transformative learning experience.

I am always very grateful for the incident that happened because, if I

hadn’t gone through this experience, I don’t think I would have moved in
this positive direction. My life may still be the same, with all of the
frustrations, suppressions, and not knowing what my life was about. It
doesn’t have to be that way, honestly. And I think I realized that in the
past I had a lot of financial insecurity. I believe that—whatever happens
to me—it’s always for the best. I may not actually understand what good
is being done at the moment that things are happening, but there is always
a greater lesson that I will see in time. I see this for myself, now. When I
was diagnosed with cancer I was like, why me, why me? But now I look
back and I know why: it’s because my soul wanted me to move in this
direction and to give me more confidence in life. Even though I may not
have understood, and felt frustrated and unsupported, I was able to hang
on and things just fell into place. And now I always try to remind myself

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 that nothing is permanent except change. Sometimes I still have to remind
myself that yeah, I can be frustrated, but after a while it doesn’t really
matter—it may be a week or a month or a year. It doesn’t matter at all. I
used to spend a lot of long hours at work, but now I tell myself, to be fair
to myself, I will not stay beyond 6:30 or 7:00pm. I can give my life to the
company but if I really need their support would they give it back to me?
I don’t think so. Even though I’m the HR manager, I think this is a fact of
life. No one is responsible for you except yourself.

Linda has had the opportunity to get to know her inner-self better. She is

now able to find happiness in simple things and to appreciate life.

At the moment when I saw my son happily running in the water and
playing, it was so simple, and yet it had such immense healing qualities.
This is the simple happiness that we need. We don’t need tons and tons of
money, or all the luxuries of the latest technologies and everything. This
simple moment made me very happy. We have to prioritize this
experience and make it a regular affair for the family. Sea water, because
it’s natural, should also be a healing force. We were told that salt actually
cleanses us. I tried, when I was in the water, to just close my eyes, relax,
and let the water come to me. It’s a very different feeling than I’ve ever
had before. It was good.

It was an exciting experience for Linda to spend time in nature. The

simple experience of taking a walk in the park and hugging a tree was restorative,

profound, and brought her a sense of peace.

It’s very fresh in the morning when you walk into the park, and the air is
different. You hear birds and see the trees. I sometimes take a moment to
speak to the trees, too. This triggers a different kind of feeling. They say
hug a tree, and when you do you just feel so peaceful and at one with the
tree. I didn’t hug it last time I went to the park, I just put my palms on the
trunk and closed my eyes. It felt very good. I noticed at the same time
that the ants didn’t actually come onto my hands—they moved away from
my palms. This is an example of an amazing yet small thing that we never
actually acknowledge—and even more so in Singapore because it is a
concrete jungle. We have to make sure to take time away from our
computers and televisions and get into nature as much as possible because
it is a precious resource that is available to us here.

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 As the three year course on self-discovery was coming to an end around

the time of our conversation, Linda reflected on the opportunities to explore new

approaches to healing that it presented.

We only have one more weekend and then we will finish the three year
program. I have found it very good for me. I have also attended some
other courses as well, but I still quite like the way my teacher presents her
ideas. Because of her own experiences—and she has read a lot and been
exposed to a lot—she actually set up the school. The main purpose of it is
that she wants to share as many experiences as she has been exposed to as
possible, and she also understands that not one modality will fit
everybody. Sometimes I like singing and dancing, and we all have
different ways of expressing ourselves. So she’s trying to gather what she
knows and present it to us so that we see what is useful for us in our
healing processes. I have friends who do dream interpretations. I am not
very good at that but I have some friends who are and they do it. You
know, dreams are another way that we get connected to ourselves, and
there are messages for us in them, just like there are for those who like to
use Tarot cards and those who do expressive arts. I think it’s good to be
exposed to all of these methods because I’m a curious person. I started by
enrolling in this course because I’m always curious—I wanted to learn.
Of course, my teacher is very knowledgeable and she has read many
books, and sometimes when I see her I ask her about certain things and
she recommends some of them. If I go to the library without any direction
there are so many things to read and sometimes I’ll pick out a book but it’s
just not interesting after a while. The books that she picked out for me
were always informative and helpful on my path to self-discovery.

After her wide range of learning experiences, Linda finally began to find

happiness in simple things. She developed a different outlook on her life which is

truly amazing. She realized that ever since she was young, she has been doing

things to make other people happy and had completely neglected herself. She

hadn’t allowed herself to do things that were important to her or to express

herself. One of the lessons she has learned is to look after herself before she takes

care of others.

I think our society actually encourages this. We are always wanting to be

the best and the most outstanding, but often at the expense of our own

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 happiness. My teacher has been teaching us that we need to take care of
ourselves before we take care of others, which I think is true. In the past
we try to do things for others but we never actually make a priority of
taking care of ourselves, so the whole thing doesn’t work. You have to
feel good before you help others. I think it’s just the way it is because if
you’re frustrated with yourself and you’re trying to help it doesn’t work.

These new perspectives that she developed in her courses contributed to a

reduction in anxiety and frustration. One example of how it helped Linda to re-

define her priorities is that job security and financial obligations are now less

important to her than her well being and the well being of her family.

In the past I have felt insecure when I didn’t have a job. When I decided
that I wanted to go back to work in June of `08 after my surgery and the
company told me that they no longer wanted me I was quite scared. Then
after going for some job interviews, when things were not looking positive
because the companies I was applying to were concerned about my
condition, I made a decision not to worry about it so much. Things would
be okay, and I had to let things be what they were. It was already August
and my son was about to have his exams, so I thought to myself “we’ll
talk about it when my son’s exams are over and after our family holiday.”
I think when I made the conscious effort to let it go and let it be, even
though I was still searching for work, I had no stress about finding any.
As it turns out, after my family holiday in November, the day after we
came back a call came through about an opportunity. And then two other
job offers came along shortly after that. This caused me to think about my
old habit of trying to please everybody else first, and ultimately I decided
that I couldn’t. So I quit the new position after about a year and a half. I
did not expect myself to work during the second half of last year, and
decided to take a break before starting to look for another job. I was really
trying to find time for myself. But then something came up again in April
and I went for another interview which resulted in my current job. This
reinforced the idea that when you’re not desperate to make things happen
and please others, things will just fall in place. While in the past I would
have been worried because my husband was at risk of losing his job
because his company had decided to close their operation in Singapore,
now I just think that it will all work out somehow. It’s a matter of whether
you want to accept the kind of offers that come along. I think that this
kind of thinking can make you feel better.

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 Linda’s transformation has also influenced her husband. He followed

Linda to seek advice from her teacher, and they continue to support and motivate

each other to learn and to seek new meanings of life.

I’m also happy to say that, because of the incident with my health, my
husband has started to follow along the same path of self-discovery that I
have—without actually going to the courses. He’s also seeing my teacher
for counseling. It’s good. I think we can continue to grow in our
understanding of what’s happening. After all that I’ve been through, I just
find that all of these things are about helping us to live better on this earth.

Linda has stopped stressing about focusing on her son’s academic

achievements. Rather than worrying about her son, she lets the future unfold

naturally.

I used to worry a lot for my son, which I think I am a lot better at not
doing now—my husband still needs to work on that. I have to honor the
fact that maybe my son’s path that is not going to be normal; that he may
not need to go to university and be one of the top performing students. It
is normal for us to worry in this society that he is not really doing well
academically as he has been struggling since primary four (primary four is
equivalent to grade four in the North American education system). We’ll
see how it goes and what happens. We just try to do what we can for him.

Linda has accepted the fact that she has does the best that she can in her

life. In the eyes of her mother, she was not a perfect child and she had to live

under her control to try to make her happy. This was how the pattern began of

neglecting herself while trying to please everyone else. Her illness gave her a

chance to change this and to start looking after herself, causing unexpected

changes and an opportunity to explore new things.

I can share with you, when I first met my teacher at the end of `07, and she
recommended that I read a book, I just couldn’t help stop crying when I
read it. It was the first time that I’d heard that you have to love yourself. I
never knew it, and it was so alien to me because all my life I was brought
up and told that I had to do things for my parents, and being the eldest and
being the daughter—it was always my priority to take care of other

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 people, not myself. So when I first read that, I couldn’t believe it.
Fortunately, I learned that I have to love myself, but I think that even after
these three years I still do not fully know how to love myself, yet.
Sometimes when I work too much I get off balance, and I have to try to
remember to practice loving myself. It is a routine that I need to change,
which is challenging because I am so used to it and resistant change
generally. Most of us are quite lazy about changes and we do not like to
explore new things. This is something that I now know—part of me is
lazy and resistant to certain things I want to do, but it is okay. I will not
blame myself for it.

Linda was able to gain insights from the challenges caused by her health

issues, motivating her and her husband to learn and practice self-discovery

together. To Linda, this change was good: her suffering led her to learning

opportunities to grow spiritually.

That’s why I say that I’m very grateful that all of this happened. If not, I
would still be stuck where I was. The shift in my life is that I now see it
with more colors, more hope and more acceptance. I have learned to bring
forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and love to the experience of just
being here. These changes are important. They make me feel better and I
now believe that this is a better way of life. I’ve also come to accept that
when there is life, there is death. Death is something that will come to
each and everyone. If we are fearful, we suffer and we avoid. But now I
choose to face it and am learning to accept it. As such, I am learning to
live in the now and be in the moment. Death is only a physical
transformation. We continue to evolve and move on after we have passed
on from this life.

Jasmine

Jasmine and I were virtually inseparable in our grad program. We took

most of the same courses together and in many of them were on teams together.

Throughout this period I was constantly impressed with Jasmine’s high level of

energy—we never seemed to have a dull moment together. Jasmine has a

background in theatre, and incorporating dramatic techniques into her family

counseling was well received by her clients. She told me that her strategies

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helped her clients to release their stress, to see issues from multiple facets, and

enabled them to express their emotions more freely. I enjoyed hearing about her

creative approach to therapy. She strikes me as a person who will never give up,

either in her personal or professional life, and I feel that if she wants to do

something she will find a way to get it done.

After I returned from a summer course on Indian Psychology, which was

taught in Auroville, India, I spoke with Jasmine about how it had been a profound

cultural experience. She was inspired and registered for it, believing it would be a

substantial learning experience. Indeed, Jasmine was transformed after she

returned from India. The trip triggered significant life changes, one of which was

the termination of her marriage of 10 years. She felt that she needed to have

better control over her own happiness and ending the relationship with her

husband was a part of this decision.

One of Jasmine’s strongest characteristics is her relentless work ethic. She

refuses to leave any ambition unfinished, and if something is not done right she

feels a compelling need to fix it. She has told me on a few occasions that this

persistence has been passed down to her by her parents, which is likely why it is

so deeply ingrained. Seeking further transformation, Jasmine decided to pursue a

Ph.D., which she was able to complete in four years.

We also discussed major sufferings in her life and the transformative

learning experiences that they could induce. Our telephone interview lasted just

over an hour and was a wonderful conversation; the fond memories of our

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intensive academic retreats came back to us. The time we had spent studying

together had been a profound educational experience.

Jasmine’s story.

Jasmine is a Caucasian American in her early forties whose parents come

from a farming background. For many generations the family lived in the

American Midwest; in fact, her lineage traces back to the original founders of the

Lincoln, Nebraska area. Due to some health issues that affected her father, the

family relocated to Phoenix, Arizona where Jasmine was born and raised. She

was brought up by parents who embraced puritanical Middle American values.

My entire family is originally from the Midwest and we are some of the
original founders of the Lincoln, Nebraska area. My ancestors came over
in covered wagons and were some of the first settlers and farmers of
Nebraska. My dad had a lot of trouble with asthma in Nebraska because
of humidity, so he moved away from there and I was born here. I’m the
first generation to have been born outside of Nebraska, and I’m also the
first to go to college. Both of my parents do not have a college degree,
and my family members are all farmers. We’re hard working, puritanical,
and white with middle-America values, and I’m the first generation to be
raised in a different part of the country.

Jasmine’s parents gave her total freedom to do what she wanted; they

didn’t ever impose expectations on her. Being the first generation in her family to

leave Nebraska to go to college, she was exposed to a world of excitement and

opportunities.

My opportunities as a child were different, being the first generation born

in Arizona. My dad really didn’t pressure me to do anything at all—there
was never any discussion of what I was going to do when I grew up—but
when I was a kid I had a lot of lofty plans. I wanted to be a ballet dancer, I
wanted to be a pilot, I wanted to run for congress—I had all sorts of
plans—I wanted to be a professional actress. My family didn’t ever put
expectations on me, not to go to college, or any of those messages. It was
a wide open field for me to play around in; there were never any parental
messages about what I needed to do with my career or occupation.

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 When Jasmine decided she wanted to pursue a dream to be an actress, she

had the full support of her father. They saw this career as an opportunity for her

to express her unlimited energy. Her parents only gave her one condition: she

must make a full commitment to whatever she chose to do.

I think my parents are really different in that my dad got me my first

audition to become a professional actress when I was in fifth grade. My
parents always sought experiences for me that would blow off some of my
energy. I was a hyper kid. I had a lot of ideas, I had a lot of energy, and I
had a lot of plans. They wanted to give me a lot of opportunities to
express all of that energy. Acting wasn’t necessarily chosen for any
reason other than to get rid of all that energy. But yeah, I think they were
very open. My dad was always like “if this is what you want to pursue,
pursue it.” But I will say that my family had a very puritanical viewpoint
about that, so if I did something and committed to it, I had to finish it. It
was like, “if you committed to this it’s your word, and you need to finish
it.” There was a lot of that puritanical work ethic in there. So if you’re
going to be an actress, then you’d better be the best actress that there is. A
lot of hard work and follow through was part of my childhood. It was like
“you can do whatever you want, but if you commit to this you’d better
fully commit”.

Jasmine appreciated and embraced this guiding principle. Later in her

professional career as an educator, she has found that the younger generation

lacks commitment in whatever they do. This is in conflict with Jasmine’s value

system.

I do think that there’s a sense of “if you start something you’d better finish
it,” yeah. Once you commit to something, you’d better follow through
with your commitment. I definitely think that’s a guiding principle for
me. And I notice it being very different in the students that I teach who
are currently 17, 18, 19, and 20—these guys are really lacking that. There
is a lot of difference in the 20 year age gap between us. They’re missing
that integral piece of follow through. They commit, but then they don’t
follow through; they don’t finish. I think their parents were different than
my parents. My parents were very much the Nebraska farmers, hard
working—get up in the morning and work hard and go to bed when the
sun sets. You pay your bills. I think my parents were very much that
way.

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 Jasmine’s perception of suffering involves working too hard to control

something. She describes this as trying to place restrictions over a process,

limiting its growth and possibilities. This type of control would not permit

something to evolve and unfold naturally or organically.

Suffering to me means that I’m controlling something. If I’m suffering, it

means that I’m not allowing the process to be what it is. I’m trying to
define it or put it in a box. I’m trying to limit it. To me, that’s what
suffering means, because I’m stressed out and suffering because I’m not
allowing it to be. That’s my adult perspective—suffering in childhood
would have a different definition.

She understands that nothing stays permanent. By trying to control things

and holding on to them, Jasmine believes that attempting to maintain the illusion

of permanence is the cause of suffering.

I think that everything is impermanent. My personal opinion is that

everything changes—the seasons, the trees, the clouds. Nothing is solid.
Nothing is forever. Nothing stays. Nothing is permanent. I think we have
a false reality that there is such a thing as permanence. It seems to me that
if I was going to define impermanence I’d say everything is impermanent.
We just have a weird belief system that there is such a thing as
permanence, but I actually don’t think anything is permanent.
Relationships, people, thoughts, ideas, nature, time—nothing in my mind
is permanent. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is “You are the sky, and
everything else is just weather.”

Jasmine mentioned that while she is not Buddhist, she has some

knowledge of Buddhist teachings from various readings. She perceived every

stage of life as a phase that keeps changing like the weather. Therefore,

permanency is just an illusion. Her spiritual practices reflect this belief which is

rooted in being present with emotions.

I always feel like there’s this element of me, and then there are these
phases that constantly are like the weather. They constantly change. It’s
just the weather. I say that all the time, “that’s just the weather.” Because
I think everything is changing all the time. I think permanency is an

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 illusion that we have created. I have an informal knowledge of these
concepts. I mainly understand them through reading. However, my
spiritual practice includes deconstruction—that core beliefs are our
limiting creations and can be destroyed—and yoga/presence-ing—sitting,
accepting, and being present with emotions and ideas as they surface.

She further emphasized that the notion of holding on to anything, like a

self-imposed action, can be a cause of suffering. “This is something that creates

suffering, actually. The idea to hold on to marriages; or the idea to hold on to

people; or the idea to hold on to a situation – that’s what creates suffering.”

Jasmine encountered six events in her life which contributed to significant

suffering. Each event provided her with transformative learning experiences. She

provided a rich description of each event.

I have actually written down six different moments of massive suffering,

all of which also involved massive transformation. They range from 1992
until just this last December. The first one was when my dad died in 1992
from cancer, and the second was a near fatal car accident in 1994. My dad
died in August of `92 and the accident was in January of `94 so it was just
over a year of separation between my dad’s death and my near fatal car
accident. Then my next one that created huge amounts of suffering and
transformation was the end of my Master’s program in 1998. I was almost
ready to quit my Master’s program because I absolutely hated it, and so I
went through a lot of stress and anxiety but I ended up finishing it. It was
very stressful for me. And then my divorce in 2007 after about 10 years of
calm. Interestingly enough, I met my husband after finishing my Master’s
program and then my divorce was 10 years later. My divorce was kind of
the end of the fairy tale of what forever looked like in a marriage, so that
created some suffering for me. I divorced him in November in 2007 and
my appendix burst in March of 2008, a very short period of time just like
between my dad’s death and my car accident. There was a big space in
my life between major life stuff and my body having some kind of
physical reaction to that, so that’s very common in my life. So I believe
that the divorce and my appendix bursting were related, as I believe the
death and my car accident were related. And then the Ph.D. completion
process from 2006 to 2010 was another huge piece of suffering and
transformation that I feel was the last piece I’ve gone through recently,
and that created massive amounts of suffering and transformation at the
same time.

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 Jasmine experienced emotional volatility and vulnerability with each

event. She discussed the duration of each emotional stage for the six significant

sufferings:

• The death of her father—she was in denial for weeks. She was angry with

the situation for about two years and depressed for two months.

• The major car accident—she was angry about the situation for two years

and bargained for two months. A bout of depression lasted roughly two

weeks.

• Her agony with the Master’s Program—she was angry for four years and

also bargained for two years. During her program, she was in depression

for three years.

• Her divorce—she was angry for two years and subsequently bargained for

two years. Depression lasted about one month.

• Her appendix bursting—she was angry for three months and depressed for

one week.

• The completion of her Ph.D.—she was in denial for two months, angry for

about seven years, and bargained for two months. She was also depressed

for three months.

Jasmine described using different strategies to cope with her suffering.

They were all effective in helping to reduce her anger.

My earlier situations were dealt with using time, talking with friends,
music, yoga, and reading self-help books. My later events—divorce,
appendix, and Ph.D.—I worked with a spiritual teacher and did
deconstruction and specific exercises to be in the present moment.

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 Her major defense mechanism was anger for all six of these major

sufferings, and she recognized that the stage of acceptance only arrived once

anger was not being triggered anymore.

My main defense mechanism is anger—I resist and argue with events that
I don’t like. In all cases, I knew I had reached acceptance when I
recognized that I no longer had an “emotional charge” related to the event.
I no longer wanted to rationalize, debate, or resist. I just felt calm and
neutral. I could discuss the event without emotion rising. In my spiritual
practice I had integrated it. I feel like there are some generalities that all
of them embody. In all of them there was a moment of “this isn’t
supposed to be happening.” In every one of them there was a review of
my assumptions. There was anger that this wasn’t supposed to be
happening—the first phase for me was always anger. The next phase was
always a deconstruction process. And during that process it was always
taking everything apart: taking my assumptions apart, taking my fears
apart, taking my ideologies apart. And then there was always a period of
nakedness, and I mean that in a real way. In all of these situations I felt
very naked, very exposed, very vulnerable because there was anger, there
was deconstruction. The scariest part for me was the naked part. It was
extreme vulnerability. The way that I know the world wasn’t right any
more. The way that I assumed this would all go down—it isn’t happening
that way. I would be angry, then the deconstruction would blow it up, and
then there would be this extreme vulnerability, this extreme nakedness.
And if I could sit in that, then it seemed like the transformation could
come. If I fought the nakedness, then the suffering lasted longer.

Jasmine knew that she arrived at the strategies for coping with suffering

from a variety of spiritual practices, connecting through journaling and yoga. She

also sought out a teacher.

I was praying, asking for the universe to send me a teacher. I realized that
I could only work on the surface with self-help readings and yoga. I
needed someone to hold my feet to the fire and help me to release/dis-
create/discharge some negative core beliefs that were limiting me. I
needed someone to challenge me to take responsibility for the way I view
and interact in the world. I needed someone impartial and neutral. Today
I use a process called “presence-ing,” I journal, I do yoga, and I see a
teacher.

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 Jasmine stated that if she fought the feelings of vulnerability any

transformational experiences were delayed. Change only happened when she

surrendered and allowed the process to evolve naturally.

If you don’t fight it—the nakedness and vulnerability—and I just let it be,
then that’s when transformation comes. Sometimes I would delay the
transformation by fighting it. I hated feeling helpless. I hated it. I can
definitely cite out of this whole list 10 years where I hated being helpless,
and I fought it like nobody’s business. Any time that there would be an
experience that would create helplessness in me I was like “I’m not going
to be helpless. I’m going to be angry instead.” Surrender, when I allowed
it, felt like the next stage in transformation, but it’s really hard. That third
stage of surrender is very hard for me. That’s hard, and that’s the one that
I’ve learned, through these 20 years of this process, that that’s what
creates the transformation, but I’ve been very resistant to it. Because the
disorientation is very hard, you just want to go back to what you know.
You have these unmet needs, these assumptions, and all this stuff. You
want to just go back. But if I can just relax and be fine being the naked
snake, then I’m fine. It’s really hard to let go at that level. That to me is
also that surrender, that letting go.

She had difficulties waiting patiently for transformations to occur and tried

to accelerate her understanding of the transformation experiences.

This stuff started really early—my dad’s death was in `92 when I was a
sophomore in college—and I wanted a process. I did not want to wait and
just let life happen and let life unfold. So I became very masculine in my
thought process and very linear. I started seeking out teachers and
processes that helped with the deconstruction. I guess in my mind I was
like, well crap, if life is just going to blow around me and people are going
to be taken away with cancer and I’m going to be hit by a car and nothing
that I plan is going to happen, well then I’d better speed up the process. I
don’t want to be just waiting around for life to happen to me; I better be
actively examining. So I’ve actually set out in the last 20 years to find
teachers and teachings that are very linear, and there’s a lot of
deconstruction that’s on purpose. So even if I’m out of town and I don’t
like the job, I’m going to actively engage in the deconstruction process to
try to figure out what’s going on for me in this job. I actually attack this in
a way different way than I think other people do. I have kind of decided
that I’m going to deconstruct as much as I can. I’m going to try to know
myself as much as I can, and then if I keep deconstructing all of these core
assumptions and core illusions, eventually it’ll get to a place where I’m
not attached to anything so things won’t hurt when they leave. It’s not

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 going to hurt as bad—that impermanency isn’t going to hurt as bad. Once
I deconstruct all of my attachments, I’m not going to have anything to
hold onto any more. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but in my
mind deconstruction seems to be the only option. I was definitely not
sitting around waiting for life. I was definitely paying teachers, going to
workshops, reading books, doing my Ph.D. and translation. I wanted to
understand how I could let go of all of these attachments and assumptions.

Jasmine has learned to “allow” things to happen the way they do rather

than trying to control the outcomes.

So my word is “allow,” and to just “allow what is.” Instead of fighting for
the illusion of control, just allow. Allow life to be what it is. And that’s
where I think the true transformation is for me: that in all these ways and
facets in my life, whether it be work, relationships, health, spirituality, it
literally is just allow life to be as it is . . . So people are going to die,
people are going leave, things are going to change, nothing is permanent.
Well eventually you’re going to do so much deconstruction that it’s not
going to hurt anymore. You’re going to embrace it as part of the process.
I can really start to feel that now. I’m almost forty—I’m thirty-nine—and
at this stage I’m starting to feel that. I have less attachment to things that I
used to care about and fight about, unlike maybe in my undergrad life,
maybe 20 years ago. I feel like I’m getting a little bit less attached to
certain concepts. And it feels, actually, a lot more sane. Back then you
were fighting for the illusion of control. Now, you know there is no
control so you don’t have to fight anymore.

When Jasmine lets go of the fighting, transformation comes more

naturally. She began applying the approach of letting go during her Ph.D., and

was also able to apply the deconstruction process to her life which enriched her

transformation. She felt great about this experience.

I was aware enough of myself during the Ph.D. that I could start letting go.
Especially at the end there, during that 2006 – 2010, these last four years, I
did feel conscious about that. And the same thing with my divorce and
my appendix. So I would say pre 2000, I did not apply these principles
because I was too angry and too vulnerable. I think something happened
after mid-2000. The divorce in 2007, my appendix bursting in 2008, and
my Ph.D. completion—I did feel like I handled it in a different way. I had
a lot more awareness about that whole idea of being authentic and letting
things be, and allowing myself to feel the emotion and let it move through
me. I didn’t have to fight. This wasn’t my fight. A whole lot of things

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 shifted in that time period that allowed me to apply this deconstruction
process to my life and say “this is a part. The world is deconstructing
right now—isn’t it interesting that you’re a part of this?” I feel like I
did—at least in those last few years, those last few issues—I did feel like I
had a little bit more practice and theory, mission, or ideology about the
world that I could use to handle transformation. I could handle the
movement that some people would say is tragic, but I felt like I could
handle it.

Jasmine explained that a roadblock to achieving transformation was a lack

of knowledge about herself. As soon as she stopped blaming other people for

causing her suffering, this roadblock was removed.

I think in every step there are baby roadblocks and these roadblocks are
basically my lack of knowledge about myself. I have come to places
where I have said “Gosh, what’s wrong with this person? Why are they
doing this to me?” But then I stop and I say “Wait, this about me. What is
it that I’m not understanding or seeing in myself that’s creating this road
block?” Then once I shift that, it’s not a road block any more. So why
does this person keep getting in my way? I did that a lot in my
dissertation. Why is this faculty member not responding to me? And then
I would go back and I would say “This is about me. What am I not doing?
How am I not responding to me?” And the minute I would do that it
would loosen up and the roadblock would be gone. I think the minute I
went to blame somebody I was experiencing a roadblock. The minute I
shifted it, and I said “it is about you. This is always about you. This is a
mirror of who you are and things that are unresolved. The unknown dark
places in yourself. The unknown uncharted areas of you.” The minute I
would turn it around and say this is a map. You don’t know it yet, you
don’t know this part of yourself. Then the roadblock would disappear.

Jasmine described how her transformational learning experience resulted

from removing the “blame” to allowing the “shift” in her life. Going from

blaming to taking ownership of issues was is a huge shift, and Jasmine took it

upon herself with enthusiasm. This was accelerated by a trip to study in

Auroville, India a few years ago.

I think, if anything, it was a living, breathing, spiritual embodiment

experience for me. It wasn’t spirituality or transformation in a textbook; it
wasn’t spirituality or transformation as a mental construct; it was

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 transformation as a whole. It felt like, I am transformation. India is
transformation. It did not feel like a separate object to be studied or
looked at. It wasn’t like, “oh, I’m on vacation, let me take pictures of
India.” It felt like it was an embodied journey, like I was that thing. It felt
like I became India for a while. When I came home, I still wanted to be
India. And I guess what it did for me is it, first of all, reminded me that I
need a conscious community. That was my first thing, is that I left and I
said that I want to be a part of a conscious community. And the next piece
was that I need to be a part of something that means more than the daily
grind of making money. So the idea that that whole community is striving
to understand the illusion of self is profound. 50,000 people are existing
to just understand the illusion of self and the layers of transformation.
That to me is just unbelievable. So I guess for me, it gave me a chance to
embody something that I know, that I remembered somehow from my
darkest oldest self. It recognized India and knew it and said this is real,
this is what I know. And it made me really realize that I need to stop the
duality process of going to work and then coming home to spirituality,
with work being completely separate and only what I do for a living. It
really reminded me that I need to be this fully authentic person at work as
well as at home. And that I can’t be such a duality; I can’t have such
duality. It’s not my true nature. My true nature wants to live in a place
that is congruent with my spiritual practices.

Jasmine was inspired by her experience in Auroville. One of her

ambitions is to embody a spiritual practice in her workplace. It is her goal to

bring her experience of India home and to use her knowledge in practice every

day. She expressed that at the moment, her spiritual practice was separate from

her daily life, and especially her life at work.

I still feel like I am a separate object—work is a separate object, and my

reality is a separate object. The good news is, we’re only four months out
from the completion of my dissertation. And during that process that
consumed so much of my life, I didn’t put a whole lot of energy into this
whole idea. But now that I’m four months out, I feel like I finally have
enough space and distance from the dissertation to examine what
integralism is. I can actually unpack some of that concept for myself and
say, you don’t have to just be India while in India, you can be India at
home. You are transformation. You are an observer. You are a
researcher. You are object—subject. You are all. You are not a separate
object. You are a part of this whole, and your job can be part of this
whole, and everything that you do can be a part of this whole. That’s
where I am right now. It’s funny, this weekend I’m going to take both

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 days and do a little retreat in my house and I’m going to write down the
qualities and characteristics of things that I want in a job. Not necessarily
define the job or describe a job description or job type, but I’m going to
really draft out what the qualities are that I want in my profession. So
that’s what I’m going to do this weekend. I’m going to expand myself to
think about work not as a concept to make money but as something related
to the qualities that I want to do every day. What are the aspects that you
want to embody every day? And what are the skills that you want to bring
to the table, what are the talents that you want to use? I’m actually going
to draft that this weekend. That is really where I’m moving. I think that is
my opportunity in terms of taking India and taking that experience and
bringing it home.

Jasmine has established four essential practices which help her to cope

with changes. These four practices enable her to combine reflection, self-inquiry,

and mind-training through creative activities. Her first practice is yoga.

I have a very concrete practice. It kind of depends on the weather or the

mood of my day, but I have three pieces that I do. I do yoga—that’s my
body, mind, spirit practice, and that one allows my brain to be still.
There’s a very specific reason why yoga works for me: it quiets my
thoughts. So if I’m fighting that nakedness, vulnerability, or fear, yoga is
a moment when there is no talking.

Her second practice is journaling.

I do it every day. I mostly journal at night and do yoga in the morning—

that’s just kind of the way it works. Journaling is used to clear off all of
the chatter. All of the anger, all of the fear, all of the frustration. I journal
until my head is clear, the same way that I do with yoga. I keep writing
until there’s nothing else to say, and when there’s nothing else to say,
usually then my true self—I can hear my essence. I can hear my full
voice. I can hear my deeper self talking. So I usually write and write and
write and write until there’s nothing else to complain about or argue about
or be fearful about and then there’s quiet, and from there I can usually
hear my real self.

Her third practice is called “feeling it” which is an exercise of paying

close attention to one’s body and feeling all the sensations.

And then my third practice is—I haven’t done it in a while, but I use it all
the time, usually once a week—and it’s a practice called feeling it.
Basically all you do is be present with whatever is happening in your

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 body. So if there’s tension in your body, if there’s anxiety, whatever it is,
you just allow it. It’s basically called feeling it, and that’s all you do: you
just feel exactly what it is. It’s a very concentrated amount of time, about
five or ten minutes, and then that’s it, but you just allow it. You just allow
whatever it is, whether it’s painful or bad you just do it.

Jasmine’s fourth practice is held with another person or with a group.

This is a modification from “feeling it.”

And then I have another practice with my peers called enquiry, and it’s
through diamond heart. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of diamond
heart? But the guy who founded diamond heart is a guy from India and
his name is A. H. Almaas. It’s basically the same exact concept as feeling
it except it’s enquiry with another person. And so I also do enquiry with a
group on top of the diamond heart group. So I do enquiry, I do feeling it, I
do journaling, and I do yoga. When I do those things in my week I’m a
much better balanced human being, and I’m not living entirely out of the
ego. And I think that it’s hard, because living in the ego is safer because
you’re in your head and living in your body in authenticity is harder. So
it’s challenging to live those practices because in this world right now we
don’t always want to feel what’s going on. It’s safer to be in a mental
state and not feel all that stuff.

Jasmine has being training herself not to process information too

intellectually. By allowing herself to be authentic, she has begun to feel rather

than to merely analyze situations. She has learned to emphasize the importance of

the whole embodied system.

What I’ve noticed, especially in the past month, is that I’ve been living in
a really intellectual way. I haven’t been doing yoga. My knees went out
during my dissertation process, and I think it was a real message that I
wasn’t moving forward. Unfortunately, stopping yoga brought me out of
my body and moved me into my head, and the dissertation process is in
my head, and working in a university is in my head. And so the whole
process to move back into your body and to feel your feelings—it’s much
harder. It’s way better to live in your head, it’s safer. You can analyze
things and think about things, you don’t have to feel it. Feeling something
is harder, especially right now with all of the fear that’s going on with
Japan and the world and how much unrest there is and the political
parties—just all those kind of things that are going on, there is a lot of
fear. So you don’t want to feel all of that. You want to be shut off and to
be intellectualized in your head, it’s safer. The only problem is that’s not

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 good, that’s not a balanced way to live, to be just a giant head walking
around being all mental. I mean I’m not my thoughts, that’s not me, that’s
not who I am, that’s not Jasmine. I am not my thoughts, they’re just a
very limited representation of me. So I’m more than just my mental state
and my thoughts, but it’s hard. In academia in particular, we do live in our
minds and we forget the body. We forget the whole embodied system.

Jasmine’s transformation in coping with the changes followed the

guidance of her “lighthouses.” She realized there have always been teachers in all

situations that pushed her to work harder to go to the next step.

As I look back on this 20 year journey, there have always been teachers
who have come along at every step of this process. They have always
come in right at the point when I’ve needed them. I’ve had four teachers,
including my dad, and they’ve all come in at the moment that I’ve needed
for the transformation to occur. They were the pushers. If there’s
anything I would change, I would thank them more. I would say, wow,
there were opportunities here where I could have gone two different ways
and could have derailed and gone down a hill, but at every point there was
always a teacher who said “hey, I’m going to push you towards this
thing.” I’m so thankful that at every step there were these lighthouses that
guided me. They were the big beacons of light that said “keep clear of
these rocks.” Ultimately I did whatever I wanted to do, but luckily there
was a lighthouse there that said “watch out there’s danger. There’s rocks,
be careful.”

Jasmine acknowledged that she has been discomforted when pushing

herself towards uncertainty. The lighthouses gave Jasmine encouragement, and

she heard the voices saying “keep walking, keep going.”

In my world, just the way I am and so stubborn, all these lighthouses were
challengers to me, and not in a bad way. In a way of saying, “well, I want
you to try this. I know you’re comfortable here, but I want you to move
over here.” And so all of them challenged me to grow, they all said “you
need to move over here and try this out.” In all of these cases it was when
I was fighting the vulnerability, I was fighting the helplessness, I was
fighting the nakedness, I didn’t want to deconstruct, I didn’t want to be
disoriented. In every case these people jumped in and said “you’re
disoriented and it’s fine. Keep being disoriented and let’s keep going.” I
have a tendency to just sit down and say “this is overwhelming. I’m done,
I must stop. I’m going to run away, I’m going to disappear, I’m not going
to deal with this anymore,” and all four of these people in my life were the

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 ones with the cattle prods. They said “it’s okay that you’re disoriented,
keep walking. I know that you don’t have a map, keep walking. It’s
alright, keep going.”

Jasmine perceived that these challenges provided her with opportunities to

experience new modalities of transformation.

And thank god for that because that’s not reprogramming, that’s not being
abusive, that’s not any of those things that I don’t like about traditional
spiritual teaching. I don’t like the reprogramming, I don’t like the
abusiveness of it. Let’s learn new nicer techniques on top of the old
broken ones—I don’t like any of that.
The purpose of Jasmine’s transformation over her 20 year journey was to

try to better define who she was. This included a lot of “don’t wants.” She

worked on de-construction, taking apart what she did not want in her character,

and stripping away the layers of illusion. At the present moment, she feels that

her true self, that the core Jasmine has emerged.

I guess if I were to tell you a really big picture of where I am right now in
my relationship with transformation, I think in the past, these last 20 years
have been a definition of who I wasn’t. Like “I’m not that thing. I’m not
going to do that, that’s not serving me.” Everything was what I wasn’t.
Everything was a process of taking away and what I’m not, and things that
I don’t want to do, and don’t want to become, and things that I’m leery of.
And I would say now, this weekend retreat that I’m doing for myself, is all
about what I do want to do. This is all about “well who are you?” I think
in the past I knew what I didn’t want but I think now, at the end of these
20 years, because this started in 1992 and it’s almost 2012, I think at this
level, now I’m feeling coming out of this is, okay well now what is it?
Who are you? I’ve done so much deconstruction these last 20 years, and
now it’s like who are you? Who is the core Jasmine? Who is that stripped
of all that false structure? You’ve worked for 20 years to strip away all
this false illusion, now who are you? So that’s now a new thing, and I’m
trying to do that without an ego structure around it, in the most open way
possible to not create a new structure but to be open to “what is this new
flow?” I don’t know if that helps, but in a non dual way, who are you?
And what does that mean to be an embodied person in a non dual way?
How can you do that?

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 Jasmine’s goal for her new journey of transformation is to be who she

truly is, and she has abandoned her previous approach of deconstructing.

I think it’s not deconstruction anymore, it’s different now. The last 20
years have been deconstruction. Very linear, very masculine,
deconstruction. This new step is more, in a non dual way, without
embracing the body or the mind solely but in an integrated way. Maybe
it’s just who I actually am? Maybe it’s a remembrance of who I am, and
maybe I had to cut off all the excess layers. Maybe I’m the egg and I had
to cut off all the top layers of me, to take off that shell, and this is who I
am. I’m not really sure but that’s where I am right now. 20 years of being
an object of studying, deconstructing, stripping away, and now I’m like
“okay the egg shell is gone, and now what is this?”

Jasmine commented that it is not a new identity of herself emerging, rather

it is a discovering of her true core. She no longer needs to hide herself and she is

able to see herself in the fullest way.

I don’t know if it’s new: it’s kind of my core, in a way. It’s kind of like
the truth, or the old, or the real. I want to give it a label which I really
can’t do because language is so limiting, but I feel like in a way it’s
remembering who I truly am. Maybe all those masks and illusions just got
in the way, but this is maybe the truth. This is maybe the remembering of
the truth. And who is that? Because you’ve hidden that for so long, so
who is this? Who is this—you?

Jasmine commented that in the six cases when she suffered significantly,

she also carried fear, anger, and an assumption. To end the suffering, they all had

to be destroyed. She described that she had to allow some parts of herself to die,

and when this happened she was able to finally let go. Once she got to this point

she did not have to dig any deeper and no longer needed to fight—she accepted

who she truly was. These transformations had to affect her naturally.

My favorite idea that Sally (our classmate) brought to me was that she
talked about a death. She said, “in order for a transformation to occur,
there has to be a death of something, a death of an idea”. You can’t just
lay a new, more politically correct way on top of an old broken thing. So
if you’re angry, you can’t just lay happiness on top of the anger because it

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 will come out wrong because the happiness will come out bitter, jaded,
and nasty. You really have to test the depths of that anger before you lay
the new thing on top of it. And I don’t want to lay a new thing on top of
it—I don’t want anything on top of it. I want to keep going until I destroy
all of the illusion. I like the idea of a death because in all of these there
was anger and then there was a death. There had to be a death, there had
to be a letting go, and then there was an embracing and an allowing of
what was left.

Jasmine stated that her old way of self inquiry consisted of stripping away

layers until she reached her core self.

While researching myself over the past 20 years, I never wanted the new
layer. I never wanted to get rid of the old layer and put the new layer on
top, I just kept digging. I wanted to know what was underneath. I never
was interested in adding a new thing, I was like “it’s okay, I’ll just keep
stripping away layers.” I never wanted to add something, I always wanted
to take away more and more and more, and that’s why I think my brain is
more masculine. That’s why I’m calling my process a little more linear. I
wasn’t like the warm mothers in India where it’s like, embracing, and it’s
a circular process and there’s more ceremony. I was never really that way.
I was more like “let’s keep digging.” I feel like, now that it’s all over, I
can look back and see that. Sally always said that “you’re like a bulldog
with a bone: you just will not let it go. If you want something you just
keep digging and digging and digging.” And that’s true, that’s exactly
what I do. I think it’s so great that you’re interviewing me right now, at
the end of this dissertation process, with some months behind me, I can
really look back. I’m at the top of the mountain, I can look back at the
climb, and I can really say clearly “now I can just sit here. I don’t have to
dig anymore, I can just be.” And how delicious is that? Just to allow
myself to be Jasmine, whatever that is. That’s amazing.

Although these six major sufferings were all independent events, Jasmine

realized they were great opportunities to allow breakthroughs in her life. She

could not ignore the importance of making changes, in particular in her outlook of

life, attitudes, goals, and relationships. She outlined 10 changes that were a result

of the six significant sufferings that she had progressed through:

1. A greater sense of purpose, which leads to less anxiety

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 2. A greater sense of context, which leads to more groundedness and

less anxiety

3. More perspective about relationships, and my lens, which is the

way I view the world

4. Releasing negative core beliefs that caused me to separate and

make people “the other”

5. Less reaction to others

6. Less blame

7. Less external focus

8. More peace and internal grounding.

9. A deeper understanding of what matters

10. A technique to ground and deconstruct core beliefs

Jasmine feels that these changes are important to her and that they have

shifted her entire being. She has also gained new insights from these situations.

I am a better, nicer, less reactive, more compassionate person. I watch

more and do less. I am in less pain. I have less anxiety. I am more
present in my relationships. My entire being has shifted! I have a greater
sense of what issues are vital to explore and what are not mine to work on.
My core being is really not shifted by the events that evolve around me. I
am not afraid of death or pain. I understand life with a meta lens. I
surrender more! I am internally focused and in constant curiosity instead
of blame or control.

Jung

Jung felt unfit in his own culture which imposed unspoken social

restrictions on expressing his personal views, prevented him from living

authentically and from realizing his true interests in life. While combating the

sufferings that resulted from this oppression, Jung was courageous enough to seek

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happiness. After travelling to Europe, he realized that he had a choice about how

to live. It was the first time he had experienced complete freedom, and he had to

travel far away from South Korea to discover it. This trip inspired his decision to

migrate to a Western country.

Jung came to Canada seven years ago for a simple reason: he wanted to

live a life that felt open and honest. The burden of cultural oppression was too

heavy for him wherever he moved within South Korea, and this had been a

pattern from early in his education right through until when he left. Jung’s

greatest suffering came from not being able to freely express himself. He spent a

lot of time searching for meanings in life, and finally found peace in a home

outside of Asia.

When he was a new immigrant in Canada, Jung was unable to apply his

skills and knowledge from his music career in South Korea due to language

barriers. This caused significant stress about his future as his savings were

depleting each day. By good fortune, he discovered that the massage skills he had

picked up as a hobby before he left South Korea could turn into a new career as a

massage therapist in Canada. This remarkable opportunity was the career break

that Jung needed. He was able to establish financial security in this enterprise;

there is an ongoing need for alternative healing professionals in Toronto, a

metropolitan city where people are willing to try new techniques in relaxation and

healing. He continued to expand his knowledge and skills in alternative therapy,

and took further certification training in acupuncture. Jung’s story as a new

immigrant is uplifting because it reveals that it is possible to overcome hardships

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and cultural baggage. He grew from his life as a farm boy to a professional

musician, and then became a massage therapist and acupuncturist. Jung has

worked to transform himself while coping with loneliness and living on his own,

all without being haunted by shadows of the difficulties from his cultural past.

As a new immigrant to Canada, Jung, a South Korean in his mid 30s,

established a new career and found the confidence to face challenges. He believes

everything is possible as long as you are brave enough to face the issues that are

challenging you, and that you have to accept responsibility for the issues to

resolve them. Our interview took place in his clinic and it lasted a little over an

hour. I fully empathized with Jung’s sufferings. I no longer felt I was alone in

fighting the battles of stigma and cultural norms, and sensed that I had found a

new comrade.

Jung’s story.

Jung came from a farming background and was raised in a village close to

the border of North Korea. He did not like the farming life at all. However, in

the traditional farming community, all family members were expected to

participate in the work. He and his siblings were expected to perform daily

chores and Jung stayed at the farm until he completed high school.

I was born in South Korea in a little town close to the North Korean
border, near the second highest mountain in South Korea and also near the
east coast. I lived there until I graduated from High School. My parents
were rice and beef farmers, and also grew some potatoes, corn, beans, red
peppers, and they were typical ordinary farmers. They were of an older
generation compared to my friends’ parents, and were about 20 years
older. Because of this, they were more traditional and of an older mindset
about working. I have five siblings. We were always helping and
working after school and weekends. It never stopped! Every day was
work, work, work. I found this very stressful. We started at 6 o’clock

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 with an early breakfast, and then got going. There were lots of things to
work on.

Jung noticed that he was different from his classmates when he was young

and unlike the other children in the farming village. He often felt that he was off

in his own world.

I was different, a very quiet person. I can say now that I wasn’t a very
social person and liked to be alone; singing and listening to music, and
reading a lot of poetry books. I’d also already started to write poetry and
lyrics for music. I was more emotional than the other boys in town who
were more interested in killing birds, snakes, or playing war games. I
wasn’t interested in those games. Being sensitive, emotional, and shy, I
could just say “hi” or “hello” but wasn’t really close to others. I was kind
of an outsider.

Suffering had different meanings to Jung at different stages in his life.

When he was young, suffering meant that he was unable to communicate freely

with others and that he couldn’t express what was on his mind. He hated that he

had been born into a small town with parents that were too old to understand him.

When I was young, I suffered because of communication breakdowns. I

wanted to learn to play the piano, to take singing courses, and to work on
art, but my parents did not encourage these interests and were not able to
support me. I blamed both myself and my parents, and asked god—at the
time I was Christian—why was I born into a small town? And why are
my parents too old? That was my pain. I really hated being born there,
and kept asking why?

Later in life, Jung defines suffering differently, “And now, suffering is

when people are not mannered, not nice, or not respectful of other people. Being

selfish or hurtful is a reflection of bad manners that cause me suffering.”

Tragically, Jung found communication with his family members

overwhelming. This caused a great deal of difficulty in his life. When he

eventually left his home town to pursue a university education and subsequently

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found employment in the music industry in Seoul, the distance between himself

and his family grew.

I have five siblings and my mother, and they mostly live near my home
town. They have small minds but don’t know how much. The last time I
visited my family in South Korea, they had already closed their minds to
learning new things. It was hard to communicate with them. I still knew
them and had to respect them because they are older—I am the youngest
of the siblings. As usual, since I was young, I knew I couldn’t tell them
about my opinions because I was the youngest, which is part of the Korean
social structure. I just had to follow their rules and style.

Jung felt emotionally hurt each time he tried to reconnect with his family

from abroad; he did not feel that his family was open to engaging with him.

Ultimately, each attempt to reconnect with his family was fruitless.

I can’t deny my family and history—I lived in South Korea for 25 years.
When I came to Canada, it was too hard for me to communicate and I felt
lonely. Living near to them wasn’t that different, though, because we
hardly ever communicated and my family rarely called me. This made me
unhappy. I had already given up, yet I still tried to respect their traditions.
Sometimes it’s better just to accept without trying because I felt that they
would never change. They simply are who they are.

Jung also found it hard to communicate with his coworkers in Korea. He

realized that this was due to cultural norms: it is not acceptable to express

personal thoughts there. This was virtually unbearable. When he was invited by

one of his best friends to visit her in Austria, he took the opportunity to see the

Western world.

I couldn’t understand South Korean social life in working offices. I

studied to work in broadcasting, music, TV, and radio, and picked my
major because there were people in the field who had more open minds
and were artistic—or at least more so than in typical working offices. But
I was very shocked and surprised about how many of them still had
traditional minds about their social life and working space. The younger
employees always had to respect the older ones and couldn’t express their
opinions; they just had to listen and even had difficulties saying yes or no.
They were always following the older or higher ranking people. Freshmen

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 didn’t have the chance to express their opinions. Maybe I was a
dreamer—I was different. I always wanted to speak my opinions because
I’d learned that it was good to express them from my education and from
what I’d read in books. But in the real social world, it wasn’t like that. I
always felt tight, was always working too much, and had a very typical
Korean social life. I didn’t take a break until I got a job, and at that point I
wanted to take a break from my life. I liked travelling a lot, but mostly
didn’t get a chance to. I had ambitions of making a lot of international
friends. Speaking English is really important to make international
friends, but my English was so poor. I wanted to learn it with native
speakers; something more experiential and adventurous from South
Korean norms. In March of 2001, I went to visit one of my Korean
friends that I met through university. We had studied music together—I
was making music and composing, and she was an opera singer. She was
learning opera in Vienna and I visited her there.

Jung got a sense of liberty when he travelled in Europe. Shortly after he

returned to South Korea, he decided to leave to live a new life in a Western

country where the culture would be more suitable to him. He consulted a close

friend, who had lived in Europe, about migration to a foreign country and, to his

surprise, his friend strongly opposed the idea.

My friend had already lived overseas for three years before we met in
South Korea, and I wanted to ask her about studying or travelling abroad
in Europe, North America, England, or Australia. It didn’t matter where.
When I visited her in Austria, she told me that even though I had an open
mind and was familiar with European and Western culture, it wasn’t easy
for people to leave South Korea. It wasn’t easy to live in other countries
and that it wasn’t a good idea. She had often been depressed, and thought
that this was caused by the different foods, different cultures, and different
weather, and she was almost entirely opposed to the idea of becoming a
landed immigrant.

Despite the discouraging opinion of his friend, Jung decided to pursue

migrating to a foreign country. He couldn’t help thinking that having a new life

in a country that embraced freedom of speech would be an improvement. After

considering and weighing his available options, Toronto, in Canada, seemed to be

the city that best suited him.

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 Actually, after I met with my friend in Austria I travelled around
extensively, to 11 countries over three months, and I was quite sure what I
wanted to do—I was so happy. Even though my English wasn’t good
enough to communicate with Europeans, they didn’t speak English that
well either and I had a really good time. After that travelling, I was more
determined: it was time to get out and experience places outside of South
Korea. I was thinking, maybe L.A., Vancouver, or Australia because I
don’t like cold weather. And then the 9/11 terrorist attacks happened so I
didn’t want to go to the U.S., but North America still had a larger
community of South Koreans than Australia, so I picked Vancouver
because it wasn’t as cold—I’d heard that Toronto was really cold. And
then I learned that Vancouver only had a small Korean community and
that Toronto’s was bigger, and I needed to work as soon as possible. So
even though I was afraid of the cold weather, I thought that life would be
much better there. You know, get a job, make some money, and
communicate more easily. Korean people—and Chinese also—cannot
live without their own food. So that’s why I picked Toronto, because it is
the biggest city in Canada and I’m more comfortable living in big cities
than small ones.

After Jung arrived in Toronto, he noticed the importance of improving

both his written and his spoken English and worked hard to become more

proficient. The breakthrough came when he began a relationship with a Canadian

man. Jung had someone to practice English with every day after they moved in

together.

The first year was very happy because it was all so new to me. Everything
was exciting and I wasn’t ever bored, like I was a traveller or a tourist. So
the first year or two were okay, and I took English classes. It was hard to
meet native speakers in Toronto, and I wanted to improve my native
English but it wasn’t easy. South Koreans study English a lot, but the
focus is on grammar. People who speak English don’t like grammar
either. Most South Korean people think learning English is hard, but
fortunately I have good ears, so communication and speaking comes more
quickly to me than others. I also got together with a Canadian boyfriend.
Since I’ve come to Canada I’ve tried hard not to speak much Korean. My
English wasn’t strong—it was totally broken—but after I met my
boyfriend I spoke English with him all the time. We dated for over a year
and then decided to move in together. It wasn’t a simple or easy decision,
but we really love each other.

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 Jung went through a short honeymoon period after he landed in Canada

which ended when the challenges of finding work in broadcasting began. When

he couldn’t surmount the barriers that prevented him from entering this industry

in Canada, he decided to shift his career direction to alternative healing: first to

massage therapy and later to acupuncture therapy. This was a breakthrough for

his ambitions to form a career in Toronto.

My boyfriend and I tried to find a job in Korean broadcasting in Toronto,

but there aren’t many. And then he passed along information about movie
and broadcasting programs at university, but I knew that it was really
tough to get into that course because I’m not a native speaker. In movie
and broadcasting, communication is really important, so it’s tough as a
non-native speaker with broken English. There was no realistic chance to
get into that course. I thought about it for a few months and then gave up.
At that point, I had a chance to learn East-Asian medicine.

Jung found learning East Asian medicine relatively easy due to his

previous sports training in South Korea. The compliments he received from his

teachers strengthened his confidence and he dedicated himself to pursuing

alternative healing as a new career. He also discovered that he could operate a

business in his private home.

I felt that I could learn Acupuncture and Shiatsu more easily because I was
born in Asia and understand the principles better than most Westerners.
Also, I was interested in sports training and massage therapy in South
Korea, and I had certifications in sports training, reflexology, and sports
massage already. My Canadian teacher of sports training gave me a lot of
compliments. At a party, I met a guy who was a Canadian acupuncturist
and we talked, and I told him about my skills. He was interested but his
business wasn’t doing well, and at the time I really needed work. He
suggested working from my home. I wasn’t sure because this isn’t normal
in Korea, so I asked an ex-boyfriend and some other friends and they all
reassured me that it wouldn’t be a problem. I also worried that my
English wasn’t good enough, but in the end I didn’t have any choice
because I needed to work. I’m quite responsible with my life, and even
though I was living with my boyfriend I wanted to pay for half of
everything—like rent. Fortunately, he accepted me working at home. I

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 was nervous but even in the first months I started to get more confident
about it. I built up some regular clients and they told me that they really
liked my treatments. Of course I was working hard because of being new
to the profession, and I’m also an honest person. They felt this, from my
hands and my mind, and this encouraged me to keep working at my
business.

Despite becoming established in his new career, Jung fell into depression.

There were a series of incidents that contributed to his unhappiness.

My Korean-Canadian classmates and Korean gay friends told me that I

was thinking too much and complaining a lot. I didn’t listen to them, and
I wasn’t happy because, unlike my friends, I did not have parents who
supported me. Their parents paid for rent, bought them cars, and helped
financially in a lot of other ways—Korean parents generally do a lot to
support their children. I had to be much more independent and knew that
my parents couldn’t support me. I already knew this, but sometimes it
made me upset because it didn’t seem fair. Anger about this made me
depressed and eventually I hit the bottom. I was having problems with
English, and the stresses from difficulties with my business were also
getting me down. I couldn’t figure out any reasons to continue living this
life. Also, I broke up with my boyfriend. There were many reasons for
this decision. I have always been quite a strong person, even since I was
young because I was often alone. I never worried about being alone, but a
few years ago everything made me down. I also couldn’t find any hope or
dreams. It was one time in my life when I really felt I had nothing.

Jung felt a need to return to South Korea to visit his family. He wanted to

reconnect with his culture, language, and heritage. To his surprise, the trip back

home did not help to reduce these feelings at all, and when he returned to Canada

his challenges with depression continued.

I watched a Korean documentary because at the time I was so depressed

and confused about my culture and new life in Canada—I was also
stressed about an upcoming visit to my family. My Korean was broken,
and when I came back to Canada my English was also broken, so I was
very confused. And then I watched a Korean documentary—after visiting
friends and family in South Korea—and I still felt very homesick.

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 Fortunately, watching one particular Korean documentary helped to pull

him out of his depression. The story was about a boy who fought against physical

disabilities inspired Jung to look at his life most positively.

I watched Korean TV shows, movies, and documentaries from websites,

and one of the documentaries was about a little 10 year old boy who was
handicapped from birth. He had a curved spine, and his legs didn’t grow
properly so he used his arms and hands for everything: writing, eating,
bathing, getting dressed—his hands were very important. He was fighting
against death every day yet was very positive; he was taking regular
school with healthy classmates, and wanted to be a leader in his class. He
wasn’t ever shy about his body and was very positive. I downloaded the
documentary and, at the time I was so depressed, whenever I watched it I
would think about his life. Even though he didn’t have legs and had a
curved spine, he was very positive, and here I was with 10 fingers, two
hands, legs, and am in perfect health, what do I have to be sad and
negative about? So I tried to change my life. I was so shy and bland in
my life compared to that little boy—the film made me appreciative of my
life again. I’ve got everything, right? So I felt that I was stupid for being
down and was so sorry for that little boy.

Jung’s new outlook on his everyday activities included his therapy work.

He also discovered the importance of living in the present moment. When one of

his friends was hospitalized, the importance of maintaining good health and a

strong body was reinforced even further.

Life is funny, right? Up and down, like the weather. We can’t always be
positive, but I find meditation really important in keeping my mind
positive. Sometimes I’m down—it could be from weather, with lots of
clouds and rain. Toronto has quite a long winter season compared to
South Korea, and from March to May it is often rainy and cloudy. But I
try to listen to music a lot, and think about all of the good things that I
have. I have good health and a good body, especially compared to those
who are not healthy. Recently one of my best friends had an operation
and after I went to the hospital I was so appreciative of my health. Also,
exercising regularly and going out to meet people helps to keep me
positive.

Jung is grateful of what he has accomplished and the decisions he has

made, allowing him to live his life and be truthful to himself and others.

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 One of my dreams since I was young is to be adventurous and to learn
new things. I feel that ensures that I still have a young heart and mind,
and am brave. I don’t want to negotiate my way through life. I sometimes
feel that I have two personalities: one wants to be comfortable, relaxed,
and satisfied in his environment; and the other always expects more and
tries to experience more of what I want. I’m following my heart and I’m
following my dreams. Since I was young, I’ve tried to do what I really
want. It’s amazing that I’m speaking in English, for example. I think I’m
dreaming—how can I be speaking in English? It makes me excited.

Jung has said that he does not have a good understanding of Buddhist

teachings. However, he is interested in learning the Buddhist way of accepting

and tolerating the bitter aspects of life we all experience.

I’m not sure that I have a strong understanding of Buddhist teachings, but
I just feel comfortable with what I hear and read about it. I’m not a
Buddhist either but I am really into what Buddhism says about being born
into the bitter human world, this world that we have to tolerate with our
deepest mind.

Jung has learned the importance of living in the present moment from a

book about the Buddhist mind. He has also learned to accept that whatever

comes, whether good or bad, they are all parts of life. The importance is in living

right now.

Recently I read a book about the Buddhist mind which also talked about a
Dalai—not the Dalai Lama XIV, another monk—and Buddha. That book
talked about stress or tension, stating that if you’re not sleeping well
because you’re regretting your past, or worrying about the future, that
means that you are not living in the moment. I’ve read a lot of books
about life lessons and other positive messages, but when I read this one I
realized that everybody is the same. Maybe it was because it was in
Korean, which helped me to understand it better. Many of the challenges
sounded like things that were affecting me, and I was thinking “yeah—
that is part a good life: living right now. That is really important.” I was
regretting my past and was afraid of my future, and that’s why I was lost
in my present. I knew how important the moment was, but why had I
been worrying about the past and future so much? The future is not
coming yet and the past is already done. It’s wasting time to worry about
the past, wondering why I didn’t do this, or why did I do something that
way. But I try to be simple. Everybody has pain in their mind and their

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 heart. So is there anything that I would change if I could go back to my
past? I don’t know, actually. Not really. I’m not happy that I made
mistakes, but I accept it. I am a human being, so it’s okay that I made
mistakes. Don’t blame, and don’t be shy—that is better. I’m living hard,
trying to focus on this moment.

Jung has experienced all of Kübler-Ross’s (1969) emotional stages of the

Grief Model while facing the difficulties of his sexual orientation in a small

traditional town. He gave a detailed description of each volatile emotional stage

he travelled through until he reached acceptance.

I denied my sexuality whenever I felt wrong compared with my male

classmates. I lived in small town so I was very shy and I wasn’t as wild as
the other boys. At the time I didn’t have enough information about gay
sexuality so I think I totally denied being gay because it was considered to
be perverted or evil. I was very angry. I was so afraid of my sexuality
because I was a Christian at that time. I remember, I prayed to God often
to make me a righteous person, which meant being straight, and yet I
wanted to talk with someone about it. I knew what the answer would be,
though. I couldn’t discuss it with anybody. I was very angry and I
blamed God and my parents, and I had to figure it out all by myself. After
that I stopped going to the Church and I became a very quiet person. At
that time I felt that I only had two choices: accepting that I was gay or
committing suicide. I was only a little middle school boy. I felt odd
compared to my classmates and also that I would I have to hide being gay
for my entire life. It made me so sad and uncomfortable but I knew that I
wasn’t a devil or a pervert, so I decided to live the best life that I could and
I also wanted to figure out gay sexuality. Depression—I was a very
sensitive boy so I was nervous about my sexuality because I felt that if
somebody figured out my orientation they would have been judgmental
and hurtful. I felt very stuck and also furious because I couldn’t discuss
my questions with anybody; I felt that nobody would understand or accept
it. Then I decided to be quiet, and I didn’t have many close friends. I
resolved to be alone. I wanted to accept my sexuality and learn about
what it means to be gay, make love, and live happily. I also wanted to
show that I’m only human and not a devil or a pervert.

In coping with the challenges of facing his sexual orientation, Jung came

to believe that positive thinking helped him to accept who he is.

I’ve just tried to accept who I am. I love being a positive thinker because
now I believe in myself and also that everything happens for a reason. I

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 have to live, learn, love, and laugh from now until when I die. I chose not
to commit suicide because I didn’t want to give up on my life. I want to
live happily even though I’m odd and I want to follow my heart and
dreams. Sometimes, I feel still guilty about being secretive, or not being
honest, about my sexuality with my family and good friends in South
Korea. I feel that they really would want to know, but I guess it would be
more than tough to figure it out with them. But I’m quite proud and happy
because I’ve been honest with myself.

For a long period of time Jung had to hide his sexual orientation due to

family and community pressures in South Korea. The social stigma was too

strong, and he feared that admitting to being gay would result in being labeled a

devil or a psycho.

It’s kind of been my habit not to talk about my sexuality since I was very
young. I was quite an emotional and sensitive boy compared to others,
and I figured out that I was gay at about thirteen. Before I went to middle
school, I felt something different. That’s why I was closed off to
communication with my classmates and family, and also other people. I
had so many questions about why I was different. There weren’t any
chances to talk about my curiosity and questions with anyone. I tried to
get information but it was impossible – if I wanted to get information I had
to come out. But at the time in my home town in South Korea, gays were
viewed as perverted or evil, devils against God, because I used to be a
Christian. So I couldn’t believe that, that I was a devil. How could a devil
be so kind? How could they accept that I was a devil? That is why I
didn’t enjoy my life. I really hated my life, and I was really furious.
There was only one frame of mind: that being gay was evil. This thought
was always in my brain. That’s why I stopped communicating with
people. I only went back and forth between school and home, and that’s
why I listened to music so much. And my parents were so driven and
busy at work all the time. My three sisters were already independent,
having been married or moved out of town, and my two brothers were so
typically straight guys. They were big boys, and didn’t want to come
home after school right away. That’s why I was a good boy and didn’t
make any troubles with other classmates; after school I just went right
home every day. It was a very boring life that I had, but I didn’t have any
choice. You asked me if I would change anything from my past, and from
this perspective, right now, I would go there and have more of a social
life. But at the time I didn’t have a choice because gays are viewed as
evil. I wouldn’t have liked that, and some of them would have tried to kill
me. What could I do? If I were to tell someone, people would know and
say “he is a psycho.” When I was at university I went to a hospital and to

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 a doctor, a psychologist and got a big shock. That person wanted to take
an MRI of my brain because they thought I was psycho. He requested that
I take an MRI. And my mind is okay, I didn’t need to do this for that
person, but I had no choice. I couldn’t get good information. And then I
tried to connect to the gay community, but I that didn’t go well, either. I
was in Seoul and they didn’t want to talk to me, they really looked at my
body, head to toe, and didn’t want to talk. I tried to get some information
about being gay, but until I graduated from university it was almost
impossible. It was really hard to get good information about gay
sexuality.

Authenticity is important to Jung. Being able to be honest to himself and

to others makes him happy. He no longer has to hide this vital part of who he is

and is now able to live the life of his choice without feeling guilty.

I felt guilty about hiding for a long time. To me, being honest is very
valuable, very important. I could live in South Korea for my entire life,
but I didn’t want to keep lying. I mean, it’s me, why do I have to hide out
of the sunshine? It’s me and I need to enjoy my life, but naturally I
needed to lie all the time. I didn’t want to be one of the Korean gay men
in South Korea because most get married to women and make children,
and once or twice a week go looking for sex partners. I didn’t want to live
that way. That is lying, that is fake. But I understood that personally, I
wanted to be honest. Of course, Toronto is definitely a place where being
in an open gay relationship is okay, I can date whenever I want and there
are many opportunities. I have lived here for seven years and have had
many hard times, but I have settled down. Actually, I am quite happy and
am okay. But that does not mean that I hate Korea’s social system; I
understand that system. I am very happy with my decision seven years
ago to live in another country, and I feel that if I hadn’t done this I
probably would be disappointed and would regret that decision. Not all
the time, but recently I am quite happy and satisfied with my choice.

Since the recognition of his suffering, Jung has decided to keep the truth

away from people who do not accept him as he is. That is his strategy in dealing

with the cultural conflicts of being gay.

I’m happy being honest, which means I’ve accepted my sexuality and that
I’m just a human being and am not odd or different. I respect the choices
I’ve made in my life even though I feel uncomfortable and do not connect
with my family and friends who are straight. I wasn’t comfortable being
around straight friends. All the time, I had to pretend to be a straight man

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 because conversations were mostly about regular jobs, relationships, or
sex with women, and they’d ask me about why I’m a single man without a
girlfriend, what kind of woman I liked, or other things like that.

Jung gained a new insight into dealing with his suffering: to value the

importance of self-acceptance. He has learned to be satisfied with what he

already has in life without complains.

How can I describe this feeling inside me? I feel that the most important
thing is accepting who I am and who you are. Even though I still have a
hard time once and a while because I’m a gay man, I’m so glad that I’m
healthy compared to people with handicaps, and also compared to people
who have grown up without family. Others live without freedom or
enough food and water. I’ve been trying to be satisfied with how much
my life is better than the other people’s lives and their situations. I’ve also
accepted that life isn’t fair. Trying to enjoy my life rather than
complaining a lot, living as best as I can in this moment with the abilities
that I have.

Alex

Alex is a registered massage therapist working in Singapore. He loves his

work and is always looking for opportunities to improve his skills. While he is

not ambitious to fast track his career, he believes that through his hard work he

will be successful and eventually open his own business. Alex has a very quiet,

introverted and soft spoken nature, and does not have many friends. He shares his

ups and downs only with a few people that he is close to. He is also very

committed in his friendships and supports his friends without conditions, and

believes in resolving his problems on his own.

I met Alex when I was working in Singapore eight years ago. At the time,

he was working in one of the most prestigious hotel spas. He was well

established in his trade with many regular customers and had begun making plans

to open his own private business.

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 Over the years, our friendship has flourished. We continued to

communicate with each other after I returned to Canada, and he had never

revealed any personal difficulties until one day when he broke the silence. Alex

had put his savings into an investment scheme managed by one of his closest

friends and lost all of it. At the time of that correspondence he had already

worked out the financial ramification, and I invited him to participate in my

research and to share his strategies in coping with the related emotional

sufferings. We scheduled the interview a few months in advance when I knew I

would be returning to Asia for a short assignment. Alex insisted he would travel

to meet me in Kuala Lumpur from Singapore to participate in this interview face

to face despite his busy work schedule and the long journey. It took place in my

hotel in three short segments over a weekend, totaling one hour and forty-five

minutes. Alex, a Chinese Singaporean in his mid 30s, disclosed the details of the

financial scam and the disheartening experience of the betrayal of trust from

someone who had been one of his best friends. When Alex realized his hard

earned savings were unrecoverable he nearly had a nervous breakdown. Before

he found strategies to help in coping with his sufferings, he went through different

stages of emotional volatility. Alex shared his stories with me in re-establishing

his life, in strengthening his spiritual practices, and in reaffirming his commitment

to sharing meaningful relationships with others.

The next time we met he had embarked on a new career as a spa manager

and was working in a heritage boutique hotel. Despite the mental and financial

stress that he had been through, Alex had found new meaning in life. The

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learning experience he gained from suffering helped him to be more assertive in

dealing with conflicts, and strengthened his self image. I was very excited by the

personal growth in him. There was a confidence in him that I had never seen

before when he was working as a therapist. The interview turned out to be a great

opportunity to renew our friendship.

Alex’s story.

Alex grew up in a simple traditional Chinese family in Singapore. He is

not particularly close to any of his family members and his parents did not have

especially high expectations of him, they just wanted him and his siblings to be

able to make a decent living to support themselves.

I am a Chinese Singaporean, born in Singapore and raised with

Singaporeans, and come from a family that speaks a Chinese dialect. I
went through the normal systems of educations in Singapore which is how
I learned to speak the language here. My family is a very simple Chinese
family and they didn’t really focus on education, so I finished my
schooling and started working. I started off doing accounts, and later on I
switched my career to being a spa therapist and also to doing spa therapy
work, and now I’m a supervisor of the spa. My family members are not
really that close because they are more traditional types. We don’t show
our love overtly, and my parents don’t really focus on bonding activities.
What they do is get up for work and then come back, and their main duty
is to feed their children. How they grow up to be is up to heaven: they
give to their children but it’s up to heaven to determine what the child will
be like. They always hope for the best, but they don’t hope for too much
for us. They only wish that we grow up nicely, healthily, and have a
proper career. I think that these requirements for us are very simple—we
can do anything we like as long as we don’t get into any problems or
troubles with the law. And they don’t expect us to feed them in their old
age. They only want us to be healthy, to get moving on with our lives.

To Alex, suffering means sadness, unhappiness, and the lack of peace of

mind. He does not think anything or any situation is forever. He accepts changes

in life and does not hold a permanent view on anything.

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 Suffering can mean sadness and unhappiness. More pointedly, it is the
disturbance of peace of mind. As long as I lack peace of mind, there’s
suffering for me. It doesn’t have to be physical, I think it can be
psychological.

I asked Alex what he thought impermanence was, and he answered:

If I understand impermanence correctly it means that nothing is there

forever. I would say that it means that you have to adapt as things are
happening—for example, my parents could pass away one of these days,
and their lives are impermanent. So you have to come to accept it. I
mean, nothing is permanent, not even my own life, and there’s no point
holding on to something too dearly or attaching too many feelings to an
item or a person because ultimately everything will go away from you.

The single event that caused Alex the most suffering was his financial

loss. He lost nearly all of his savings due to a scam created by his most trusted

friend. His nightmare began when he expressed his interest to grow his wealth to

this friend Karen.

The event that has impacted me the most was in the year 2009 when I lost
a large amount of money in a faulty investment scheme. I’ve been
financially crippled since then. If I didn’t come to my senses in time I
could have gone into bankruptcy. The incident happened between me and
a friend. We got to know one another when we enrolled in a spa therapy
course where we were classmates. That’s how I got to know her. At that
point in time she was already a business person, she was doing some
business with interior work. I wasn’t sure what her other business
ventures were, I only knew that the purpose of her studying spa therapy
was to open up a spa, and that’s how we got to know one another. After
the class, after we graduated, we didn’t see each other for about two years.
We reconnected one day when I was sent for training by my spa company
and we ran into each other, and then we stayed in contact and often met to
talk over coffee. Our friendship became better and closer, and we kept in
contact often. At that point, financially, I was quite stable and had
substantial savings which I was looking for ways to invest.

Alex did not have knowledge of how to manage his finances and he relied

on Karen to give him investment advice. He was convinced that she had the

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ability and experience to handle large investments. Most importantly, Alex

trusted her.

She told me that she was dealing with some form of investment and I
enquired because I wanted to know more about it. She said that it was in
the UK, but not what sort of investment it was. It might have been related
to real estate; she didn’t really specify. I said to her “I’m looking for
investments and so I’d like you to tell me more about it.” We talked about
it and she apologized and said that she was particular about her clients.
So she only offered investment opportunities to clients that she had had
contact with previously, mostly very rich people who knew how to invest.
Sometimes there was 100 percent profit from the initial investment, other
times 50 or 30 percent profit. I mean, there seemed to be a chance for a
handsome profit. At that point in time I didn’t know much about
investing. I was looking for someone to help me. Looking at it in
hindsight, probably there was part of me that was greedy and I persisted
with my enquiries. I started to give my money to her to see how it
performed. She gave me some form of papers to say that this money had
been passed, and gave me investment numbers. Oh yeah, it was called an
“investment certificate,” with my name, my personal details, and the
returns I had. And her signature, and a second copy, and other official
looking things like that. It looked okay, it looked real because these were
her own personal investments too and she knew how to deal with them.
She had someone in the UK to help with the management—a business
partner, an investment partner. This partner was handling the investments
in the UK. So my money was invested in the UK. After a certain period
of time, I was told that I would get a return. So it didn’t bother me how
the money was being invested or being managed as long as there was a
good return. That was my only concern. I also didn’t worry because I
trusted her. The reason why I invested my money with her was because I
trusted her, because I knew that she had operated a business before.

The investment plan was that Alex would receive the income and the

principle at the end of the year, although he did not know how his money was

being invested. Alex waited patiently for his fund until the time had lapsed.

So, as a friend, I knew her. She looked okay and was a well tempered
person. She seemed to be very honest and built her business from scratch
through this honesty, and then of course she was also kiasu (a Singaporean
English word or “Singlish,” that means taking extreme means to achieve
success). But when the time came the money didn’t return to me. I called
her—because I started the investment at the end of 2007, and my money
was supposed to come back at the end of December 2008, but it didn’t—

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 and I asked her why. She said that it was because of the financial crisis.
She used that reason, and said that because of the crisis the money got
stuck in the UK and was going to come back in time. It needed time to
regain its value. So I asked “how long will it take?”, and she said as fast
as she could “10 days.” And what happened is that even though we
thought it was sold, it was dragging on and on, and she gave all sorts of
reasons.

Karen did not keep her promise to return the funds and she told Alex a

story to convince him that she was working hard to get the money back. He gave

her more time to resolve her financial troubles and went beyond his means to raise

more money to help the cause. Alex took it upon himself to help Karen. She then

told him that she needed more money to get their money back from the

investment. Karen made the financial dealings very complicated, and also made it

difficult to question its validity. The troubles didn’t end there, though, as she

continued to offer other investment opportunities for Alex to be involved with.

At the same time, she had an investment in Dubai. So she had two formal
investments, one in the UK and one in Dubai. The one in Dubai involved
her own personal investment. She said that she had an investor giving her
the money to make transactions in Singapore. “What sort of business
investment?” I asked, and she said buying things to bring into a hotel,
putting money into a pawn shop, and probably opening a spa. So she
wanted my expertise when the money was received from the investors in
Dubai. She actually made a trip there, and during the time when she was
in Dubai she said that we needed to have discussions with the Dubai
investors. When this happened, the money would be transferred to
Singapore. And what happened was that, ultimately, she said that in order
for the money to transfer, their contract agreement stated that they needed
to pay a sum of money in order for the larger returning sum of money to
be transferred. We needed to go to a bank—I can’t remember what bank
in Dubai—to pay the sum of money to release 10 million US dollars. An
investor actually called me from Dubai and Singapore to help her to raise
the money. I raised about 15 thousand for her, on and off several times,
and she received the money. After that money was gone and she came
back from Dubai, she said that there were a lot of things to be done and
she needed time to process the money before bringing it back. But she
didn’t receive the money at all. Later, she called Dubai and the bank
officers there said the money could not be received until we paid another

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 sum of money. This made a total of 20 to 30 thousand dollars. And, even
after that money was received, because he had been in debt for too long
and it had taken too long to raise the money, another 20 thousand needed
to be raised as a late penalty fee. So that took another effort to raise, and
when that penalty was raised and sent over to Dubai, it was not even
received. There was no news of it at all.

Alex helped Karen to raise more money yet again. He patiently waited a

few more weeks for the money to return from Dubai, but there was still no news.

Alex did not want to put too much pressure on her as he knew she had other

financial issues. He gave Karen the benefit of the doubt in all of these

transactions.

She didn’t get the 10 US million dollar investments back to her that was
supposed to be transferred to Singapore. She said that it could be because
it was too much money. The bank in Dubai was suggesting to have it
broken into smaller amounts, and she said that they would need my
account number so I gave it to her. But the money still didn’t come in. I
called the bank and was told that it wasn’t possible because it usually
takes a money transfer three days to a week, but it didn’t arrive. At the
time I wasn’t suspicious or anything because I trusted her so much. I
think she used a lot of what police would later call tactics. Emotional
tactics, to persuade me to lend her money, and that’s how my money is
gone. I didn’t suspect her at all. I didn’t realize that it could be a scam. I
didn’t realize it could be a scam because I trusted her so much. She was
always there. When I called she answered—she didn’t run away. She
was facing some problems herself because the flat that she was renting
was also more than she could afford—the rent was five thousand dollars a
month. She was staying in one of these private condominiums. And she
had troubles with her landlord. She was facing a lot of financial
problems, and I came to understand that there was no point in trying to
force her to return the money at a certain point in time.

Karen provided a lot of information to Alex to verify that she had a strong

financial background, including a joint investment with an overseas partner. She

assured Alex he would get his money back soon. He was convinced that if he

helped her to resolve her financial problems, his problems would also be solved.

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 At the same time, I was still waiting for the UK investment to be returned.
The investment partner’s name was Calvin. She later claimed that she
couldn’t get a hold of him, so I said “what can you do?” She told me not
to worry because she still had some of the money in the bank here. The
agreement with Calvin was that he had to leave a substantial amount of the
capital with her, and that portion of the money could not be touched unless
both of them agreed to it. Because of that agreement she didn’t have
access to the funds; things had become very unclear. Despite her
explanation, I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t activate the reserve
funds unless she had approval from Calvin. I didn’t suspect her at that
point in time because I still thought it was all real. She promised that if I
helped her dissolve these problems, my own issues would be sorted out.
The problem for me was that I had loaned her a lot of money, so I had to
keep going along with it. She was using a tactic by stating that if she
failed, all of my money would be gone. She gave me a promise that once
the 10 million US was in, all of my problems would be solved. The
problem was that my initial investment with her was my life savings, and
that amount was transferred to the UK—or so she claimed. She made it
seem that if I wanted the money back, I would have to help solve the
problems in Dubai. But it didn’t happen.

Karen convinced Alex a personal trip to Dubai would be necessary to

resolve the financial issues. She continued to ask him for more money in order to

release her investments from Dubai. Alex was financially exhausted and finally

had to put an end to funding her.

Karen claimed that the last thing she could do to try to reclaim the lost
money was to make a personal trip to Dubai, and to do that she would
need a couple thousand dollars for an attorney and accommodations. She
claimed that she flew to Dubai, and from Dubai she sent me a message to
ask for more money because she needed it to get things done with
authorities, and that it would amount to just a couple hundred. And I
couldn’t take it anymore. I said “stop it.”

Alex still did not realize it was a scam, but felt that he could no longer

help Karen in resolving her financial problems. He had already borrowed all the

money he could, and had to ask his mother to help him financially.

At the time I still chose to trust her but I couldn’t financially manage any
more. I was too deep in debt trying to help her. Although the debt was
with the bank, it amounted to about 10 or 20 thousand dollars. The first

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 sum of money was invested in the UK. The second transaction she had
with her business partner in Dubai, she claimed that she couldn’t get the
money out unless I borrowed another sum of money, this time from my
parents. And my mother trusted me. She chose to help me and to help
this friend of mine. Also because Karen had promised certain returns, but
the main reason why my mom chose to help us was because I gave her a
guarantee. Also because my mom trusted me—I mean, I’m her son, I
couldn’t have cheated her. That was the second sum of money. And I
borrowed from the bank because—after my mother had already lent a sum
of money I couldn’t ask her for more—so I borrowed from the bank. I
also borrowed a couple of thousand against my credit card. The
repayment wasn’t manageable, which was how I got in debt to the bank.

Alex was no longer interested in growing his wealth, he just wanted to get

the principal back that he had invested and the additional sums he had lent to

Karen.

There were two reasons why I continued to lend her so much money: to
get my money back—my savings; and secondly because I trusted her. I
put it in the loan agreement, saying that this money was loaned out
partially because I trusted her character. I had that put down in writing,
and I can even show you. I have three loan agreements with her because
money was loaned out three times. Some people might say that I was
greedy. Well, I was—I don’t deny that. But there’s nothing wrong with
it. She promised a good return. At the point in time when she couldn’t
return all of the principal and interest, I told her that the interest was not
important, just the principal. “If you can’t return the interest, just return
the principal. Ultimately, the main reason I loaned you the second sum of
money is because I want you to get back the principle, and to get back my
life savings.”

The financial stress caused Alex to have a break down. He could not face

his parents, especially with the guarantee he had given his mother, and he could

no longer honor his promises. When Alex showed the bank letter to a friend who

had come to visit, his friend pointed out that there were errors on it that should not

appear on any formal business document. He took the letter to the bank and asked

if they could verify if it was real.

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 She had made big promises. Probably I’m just gullible but the whole
thing was an abuse of the trust I had for her. It’s only later, towards the
end that I realized this. One of my friends that I’ve known for 20 years
came by to visit me and I showed him the letter. He said “Alex, I think
you are really careless. First of all, there is no letterhead. Secondly, the
letter has a spelling error. No banks would allow a letter to have a spelling
error.” And I hadn’t realized this. I was shocked. He advised me to go
and check with the bank. When I entered into the branch of the DBS
bank, I checked with the reception and told the girl that I would like to
confirm whether this letter was issued by them. The reception girl did not
know what to do because it didn’t seem to be from the bank. She asked
me to wait while she showed it to the supervisor. A supervisor came out
and said “where did you get this letter? We have to check this letter out
because it looks suspicious.” But the supervisor couldn’t handle it either,
and she referred it to the manager. This manager told me that she didn’t
think it was theirs but would have to send it to the head office for
confirmation because the format could have been changed. “Why I
suspect that this letter is not real,” she told me, “is because there is no
letter head, and usually this is not normal bank practice.” Finally, some
officers from the bank’s headquarters told me that this was a case of
forgery, and that I had to report it to the police. That was when I realized
that this whole thing had been a scam. This girl had been betraying my
trust, and I did not want to talk to her at all. I just passed it on to the
authorities to handle. During that time I didn’t realize that she was
bankrupt—I only found this out much later.

To Alex’s surprise, he found out that Karen had gone bankrupt two years

before his life savings were consumed by her investment scam. Perhaps needless

to say, he was very disappointed with the entire dealing. Most importantly, Alex

was disappointed that he made a wrong judgment; that he had trusted the wrong

person. He decided to report the incident to the police and the insolvency office.

She had filed for bankruptcy in 2006, but I only came to know that she
was bankrupt after I had loaned her the three sums of money, and by that
time it was too late. She claimed that she had told me long ago, but I only
knew after the loans were made. Even after the loans weren’t repaid on
time I did not make a report—I did not report her to the insolvency office.
I chose to trust her because she said that she was trying to solve the
problem. I gave her time and I gave her money, and what did I get? I got
nothing. I got debts. I got very angry at her. But then I realized that it
was too late. The bank reported it to the police, and I filed a police report.
After I had filed with the insolvency office she called me. She called but I

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 refused to take her call because I did not know what she would say or
what tactics she would use to try to convince me not to file. Later, she
revealed that the officer in the insolvency office asked her to talk to me
personally to ask me to drop the case. I became very disappointed in the
insolvency office.

Alex felt that the insolvency office was on Karen’s side, which made him

very frustrated.

The duty of the office assignee is to help the person who is bankrupt to get
out of bankruptcy as soon as possible. That is one of their duties. So what
the officer assignee is trying to do is talk to me so that she can get the case
resolved and not complicate her job. I don’t know why—I mean, are they
doing their job? I don’t think that this is right, and that it should not be
part of their job.

Alex consulted with his neighbor, who is a lawyer, for legal advice. He

was determined to pursue legal action against Karen and believed that this was his

only remaining chance to recover his investment.

My neighbor, who happens to be a lawyer, told me that there are only two
things you can do to try to get money back in a situation like this. One
option is to talk to the person who owes it to you and convince them to
find a way to get it to you. The other is to file an insolvency suit. If you
drop the suit, you cannot file again. So as much as I would have liked to
talk to her, I chose not to because I didn’t know what tactics she would use
to manipulate me again. Anyway, I really didn’t want to talk to her at that
point in time—I shut her off totally because I couldn’t take it anymore. I
chose to only communicate with her through SMS messaging. On top of
that, the police might have been coming after her because she had
committed a case of forgery.

Karen contacted Alex and proposed a repayment schedule if he dropped

the case. Having been burned too many times before, Alex was not convinced

that she would repay him and keep her new promises.

She tried to SMS me—to talk to me through instant messaging—to

convince me to drop the case. After I refused, and she offered to pay me
600 dollars every month until the whole debt was cleared. But I couldn’t
trust that because nothing was in writing. And even if I had that in writing
it wouldn’t mean I’d get my money back. So in the end, I was left with

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 only one choice. It wasn’t even a choice. I had to part with my money.
So that was the choice that I made. She promised that she would return
600 dollars every month but I didn’t actually think she would because the
insolvency office was also going after her, and the police hadn’t started
their investigation yet, either. So if I dropped the case at the insolvency
office, once the police come after her she would stop paying the 600
dollars per month anyway. At the end of the day there was only one thing
left to do: part with the money and not get a cent out of her anymore. The
only other thing is to monitor the situation and get back in touch with her
in the future. I mean, through any legal means that’s available.

Alex was finally convinced that Karen betrayed the trust of their

friendship. Furthermore, he felt that she took advantage of his lack of knowledge

about how to invest money and his desire to grow his wealth.

Yes, the whole thing was based on trust. I couldn’t believe that this was
happening to me. I really couldn’t believe it. Sometimes I still think to
myself, why was I so stupid? I did not know my limits. I think she took
advantage of two things with me: one was my trust of her, and the other
was my greed. And there was also a third element because she knew that I
badly wanted to get the money back. So she took advantage of me based
on these three things.

Alex reacted to this traumatic series of events with disbelief. He then fell

into a depression for six months during which he isolated himself from others.

His boss and colleagues noticed his change of behaviors even though they were

not aware of the difficulties that were troubling him. They commented that his

heart was not in his work anymore, which was a major change from his previous

enthusiasm and energy. His colleagues also became concerned about his mental

health.

I think, health wise, physically I was okay. It was just emotional health
that I think was totally down. All of these things had been happening
within a short time, about six months, and I became depressed. I totally
shut off from all of my friends—I didn’t contact a single one of them. I
felt lonely and like I was all on my own. I also couldn’t work—my boss
even noticed and said “Alex, your body is here but your soul is not. Your
mind is always away somewhere else, I don’t know what’s happening to

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 you.” I wasn’t upset with her for making these comments. I did not know
what to say, I just acted like a robot, doing my work because I needed to
have an income to sustain my daily living. I needed a job and that was all
I did, treat it like mindless work. There was no purpose anymore to why I
was working there or why I was doing the job. I was like a walking
zombie, always preoccupied with why my money was never coming back
and what I was going to do without it. It was like I was stoned. Even my
colleagues, my work colleagues, said “Alex, sometimes I really wonder
what you are thinking because you are just staring blankly out of the
window. You’re just so quiet, and a lot of things seem to be troubling
you.” I hadn’t told them what was going on in my life. A lot of people
noticed how I was acting, but didn’t understand why.

In retrospect, Alex believes that he experienced some of the emotional

stages of suffering, eventually progressing to the final stage of acceptance.

Denial: I really could not accept that the incident happened to me. Even
though I knew that nothing could reverse it, I still maintained a glimpse of
hope that her conscience would make her return my money long after
there was even a remote chance of it happening.

Anger: I was particularly angry with myself and the swindler: angry with
being stupid and gullible and her breach of trust. Actually, I am still
silently angry. It has taken away my happiness many times.

Bargaining: There was no bargaining.

Depression: Yes definitely. My senses were deadened to things around

me to the extent that I kept quietly to myself and with my family members
for at least half a year. I had relinquished my hope and dreams in life.
Frankly even now I still feel reluctant to dream like I used to.

Acceptance: Again as I said, my reality is cruel. I have no choice and am

not God. I have to move on and improve my situation or it won’t do
anyone any good. Nothing triggered the acceptance. Probably through
reading some material about self development, I know the only way is to
manage my emotions first. The damage was done.

Although Alex realized that he still had emotional issues, he was reluctant

to seek support from his friends. Eventually, he opened up and shared his

problems with some of his close friends and received positive encouragement and

support from them. This helped him to get motivated again.

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 I don’t think I really sought out help from friends. When I actually started
to talk about it, they understood the situation I was in and they comforted
me. They started telling me to be positive, and they said “Oh, why didn’t
you tell us when these things happened so that we can help you?” They
didn’t blame me for the situations that I was in, but they definitely said
that I should have opened up sooner. You shouldn’t have cut off contact
with all of us. They had not seen me for some time. They said when we
met up that they had been wondering what I was doing. But then when I
met up with them I told them that I had to move on. I mean, emotionally I
was still very down, but I knew that I had to move on with life. I had to
pick up myself. And they started telling me “Alex, lost things aren’t really
losses, they are lessons. Please move on with your life. You are still
young, you can still make the money back, you know? Anyway, what can
you do? It’s a lesson, an expensive lesson, but you can at least be at peace
emotionally.” So with these friends around me again and their
encouragement, I was motivated to move on.

During this period of difficulty Alex went through a process of self

evaluation. He tried to understand the issues he was facing better and to resolve

the financial problems. One of the things that he considered to escape from his

suffering was to commit suicide. However, he did not have the courage to follow

through with the idea. Alex eventually realized that he hadn’t lost everything.

Despite his financial loss he still had his parents, siblings, and his friends, and he

felt that he had a responsibility to repay his debts to his family and friends.

I don’t think I had a specific strategy. Basically, I evaluated the whole

situation after I woke up from my depression. I had awoken from the
trauma of the event. I had done my crying and did not know what to do,
so I needed to sit down and think about what was happening. I knew that
I’d lost a lot of things. I had thoughts of committing suicide after
everything had fallen apart, but I didn’t have the courage to do it. I
reasoned that if I don’t have the courage to kill myself then I must have
the courage to live on. And to live on, what must I do? A lot of the time I
was thinking that if I died, would any of the problems be solved? No,
money would still be lost, and I would be leaving debts to others. I had
borrowed money from friends and family and I couldn’t let them down. It
was my responsibility to pay them back. So when I actually thought about
it, I found that I had not lost everything. I had really only lost my
financial stability—all my money. I still had my parents, though. I also
had my siblings and my friends.

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 Alex had a job which helped him to clear some of his outstanding debts

and allowed him to look for options to speed up the process. He felt that the sense

of responsibility was his real motivation in overcoming the financial situation he

was in. Alex admitted that while he can be a negative person, he is determined to

change his attitude to a more positive outlook.

I still had my job. Of course, on the negative side, I lost my money and I
had large debts to pay. So the most important thing was to figure out how
to pay down my debts. How was I going to find a job that supported my
standard of living and chipped away at my debts at the same time? I was
also looking for something beyond money. I wanted to find a new
meaning in life. Why was I working? There were two main reasons: one
was to give me money; the other was to achieve what I always wanted to
achieve in my professional life, for example I wanted to acquire people
management skills so that I could get better positions. These were the
things that motivated me to move on. I still had responsibilities towards
my friends, too. To be fair to others and pay back my debts and to keep
motivated with my career. I tried to be positive, because I know that I can
be very negative.

Alex discussed an earlier experience during his national service years

when his cadet friends gave him advice to look at things positively as a strategy to

ease his unpleasant feelings. He recognized that if he wanted a change in life he

would need to become more positive.

I had another experience earlier in my life while in the national service,

and the environment there was not really that good. I couldn’t take the
hardship there. There were lots of difficulties in that environment. My
friends there told me “Alex, you’re being negative. You are in a situation
that you can’t change—you are required to do certain things. Just do
them. I mean, sometimes the environment is such that you can’t change it
so you have to change yourself. And if you are very pessimistic, you’ll
always see things in a negative way and it will just bring you down.”
Despite this advice, I broke down during my service. I couldn’t take it.
And they couldn’t do anything about it. It all happened because I was so
negative—I always saw things in a negative way. I mean, at that time I
was still young and immature in the way I handled things. So my
experience during that time was a reflection of who I was. I really had a

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 hard experience—I knew that I was being negative. I needed to learn to
be positive. So when I finished my service I realized that I was still
pessimistic and that I couldn’t change myself overnight. I had a
realization that I could not be like that.

When bad things happened, Alex would evaluate the relationship between

himself and others. He tried to learn from his mistakes and to make the necessary

corrections to improve these relationships.

I decided to focus on the relationships with my clients and my colleagues.

Each time something happened I would do a self-examination. I think that
one positive thing about me is that I like to be introspective. I’ll look at a
situation—because when you’re in the middle of it sometimes it’s hard to
see what’s going on. When you’re looking at it from the outside it can be
easier to figure out what to change to make it better. So I’d ask myself,
am I in the wrong? I think many times I would be. I’d find that I
shouldn’t have behaved in such a way. I shouldn’t have said that and I
shouldn’t have done this or done that. I’ll realize that I have to correct it.
I think that my past experiences, prior to the financial problems, helped
me to pull me out of the suffering that they caused. Because I realize that
I am a negative person, I know that if I continue to be negative it will
follow me all the way to my grave. And I know that the only thing I can
do is to be positive, and that’s mental. Although financially I need time to
recover, I can fix my state of mind right now. And it’s a mental decision.

Alex has not totally lost his confidence in people due to his financial

dealings with Karen. He does not evaluate all relationships with people based on

this bad transaction. By becoming a better person, Alex believes he can improve

his relationships with others.

One of my ongoing goals is to continue to improve my relationships with

people; with my friends, my colleagues, my boss, and my family. How
can I manage these relationships, and how can I manage my own life?
Everything is about relationships, and I’m trying to be a better person by
improving my relationships with other people.

Alex does not practice a religion anymore. However, he continues to pray

to a higher supernatural power when he needs extra strength to get him through

troubling times.

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 I used to have a religion, but I chose to let it go because I found that I
could not commit to some of their standards. I had a change of religion—
my family is of a Buddhist/Taoist background. Later on I studied
Christianity and it started to convince me that this is the truth, and I prayed
to the Christian god. But I was not baptized because I could not
understand the reasons for all of the Christian principles. I did not commit
to it because I couldn’t live up to them all, so why would I call myself a
Christian? So I have not stuck to a specific religion; I don’t call myself a
Christian because I couldn’t commit to all of their rules and I don’t call
myself a Buddhist because I do not hold their beliefs. However, I do still
pray because I need to draw on a source of energy. As much as friends
would like to help you, there is a limit to what they can do. They can give
you emotional support, but ultimately you have to take care of yourself
through difficult situations. You have to work it out for yourself. You can
fall back again and again on them, but it is human nature to grow tired of
it. So ultimately the best solutions are to work it out yourself and get out
of problems on your own.

Being a physical therapist with a close connection to the body, Alex drew

on energy work to give him extra strength. He felt that this energy helps him to

get through difficult times. He explained about the koutin touch that he had been

practicing, which is similar to Reiki energy. This type of energy work can be

self-taught through a book. Alex felt that since he began practicing koutin, he

became happier and more positive.

When I think about it, there is another source of energy that helped me. I
have been studying this theory for several years and I know different kinds
of physical therapy, so I tried to tap in on energy work to help me get
through difficult periods. There was a time when I decided to work with
energy on my own before I did it with others so that I could divert it to my
troubles and my emotional state of mind. I think that really helped me.
One of the avenues that I diverted myself into was the koutin touch. I read
about it and I practiced it. It’s like Reiki techniques, but it’s not Reiki, and
you actually learn it on your own. I read a book and then I did it. It gave
me a sense of accomplishment. It helped people and it made me happy to
do it, and this made me feel more positive. All of my problems went
away. The way things transpired change my whole outlook—as I told you
right from the beginning, just now when talking about what I want to do—
I told you that I want to be a better person, that’s what I’m trying to say: to
have a new beginning in life, a new chapter, because that old chapter has
closed.

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 Alex explained the importance of drawing energy from the universe. He

relies on this source of energy to perform his work on the body and to cleanse

himself. He is interested in expanding his spiritual practice in yoga and

meditation.

Alex received a special message from his universal energy: to be grateful

to be alive and to have a chance to start his life over again. He also received

support from his parents and decided to move on.

The whole thing is, you can’t start your life over again when you are dead
because then nothing can be done. I’m grateful, not just because I’m still
alive, but because I still have my parents. I appreciate my parents even
more, because in my struggles they did not forsake me. They scolded me,
of course, for being stupid or being naïve—like a typical Chinese family
would—but then they didn’t forsake me. They actually said that “what
can you do? The only thing is that you need to move on. Just go and do
your job. Find a job and do it, and get on with your life.” That’s what
they said. And of course, sometimes conflicts will arise and there will be
other arguments with them, but I am not going to be drawn in by that.

After this dealing with Karen, Alex established a new outlook of life. He

now takes a more relaxed approach and has less attachment to things. What was

lost and cannot be recovered will not have a strong impact on him anymore.

I find that, after all these troubles, I do not hold things too dearly. I think I
see things a little bit more clearly. Lost is lost. For example, I had a virus
attack during my stay in Bangkok—my computer broke down. I had to
get it repaired and it was pretty bad—they needed to clear the whole thing.
At the time I said “forget it, it’s lost.” The important information was on
back-up. It didn’t occur to me that I had a lot of old information stored
inside my computer and certain references for my future. Reference about
what I’d like to do. Only after the repairs were completed did I realize
that I’d lost all of the things that were stored. I found that, after all the
financial troubles, I did not hold onto things as dearly as I used to. Okay,
life is fine. If it’s gone it’s gone, I can buy a new one. That kind of thing,
I think that’s related to my view of impermanence.

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 Alex’s strategy in coping with this suffering is to remain positive and

constantly re-examine himself for self development and improvement.

My only strategy is to keep mentally positive and constantly re-examining

myself. To keep moving and looking for good avenues to improve my life
is more important than wallowing in misery. My personal goal is to
continue to develop myself and become more sensitive to the daily
dealings of people around me. I also want to reflect on who I am and how
I can be better to deal with. I am still lost at times but I have developed a
sense of urgency and a desire to get things done. My main goal for the
future, however, remains to be more positive in my thoughts and actions.

Alex feels that these changes are important to him as they instill a purpose

in his life. This has impacted his ability to live contentedly and within his means.

Alex has also learned to appreciate the things he has and those people around him

who provided support to him during the hard times.

Basically, I think it instilled a purpose in my life and a desire to fight for a

positive mindset, I can then move on to a happy next stage of my life. I
have to throw away pessimism. Not changing my patterns of negativity
equaled misery. I had to learn to live in contentment and within my
means. I now appreciate what I have and the people around me more.

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 Chapter Five: Report of the Findings

In the previous chapter, core narratives of the eight participants involved

in my research were presented for analysis and interpretation. In Chapter Five,

the principle question of inquiry will be: How do actions derived from Buddhist

principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing the challenges of

change?

To do this, I examine seven themes which reflect the personal views

collected from the participants. These themes, extracted from the participants’

comments about how they coped with grief, suffering, and loss, are:

• Reaching Acceptance

• The Importance of a Support Network

• Making Meanings of Suffering

• Impermanence

• Letting Go of the Past

• Living in the Present Moment

• Spirituality

Analysis of the interviews is used to identify these common themes in the raw

data with the aim of generating conclusions from the results.

All of these themes form critical roles in enriching the participants’

transformative learning experiences. These themes are not independent processes

or linear stages in coping with the participants’ life challenges. Furthermore, the

eight participants are not generally aware that while coping with their suffering

these seven themes were imbedded in their life journeys. The first theme,

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Reaching Acceptance, lays the foundation for coping with their suffering.

Without the acknowledgement and awareness of their suffering, they would not

have had the courage and motivation to face their situations or to take an active

role in dealing with their suffering.

Their Support Networks, consisting of friends, counselors, mentors, and

people who inspired them, made valuable contributions to the participants’

processes of coping with their suffering. Another key step was the realization that

their life challenges were Impermanent. This involves the perception that nothing

in life is permanent, whether the situations are favorable or unfavorable, and that

all experiences form a part of their life journeys. Letting Go of the Past, which is

related to Impermanence, is a mindset that the participants developed so that they

did not hold on to memories, views, beliefs, or expectations—all of which could

add unneeded baggage to their suffering.

Without clinging to memories or having high expectations of the future,

these participants value the importance of Living in the Present Moment and

cherishing their lives in the here and now. Finally, the eight participants make

connections with the universe through Spirituality as a means to gain a better

understanding of themselves and their purposes in life.

The principle inquiry in this chapter is: How do actions derived from

Buddhist principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing the challenges

of change?

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Theme One: Reaching Acceptance

This section examines the theme of Reaching Acceptance in the challenges

of dealing with grief. It will first discuss the role that it plays in this process, then

some of the Buddhist theories about Acceptance, and also the experiences that the

participants of my study had with Acceptance.

The importance of self-acceptance is critical in addressing and coping with

grief, loss, and suffering. Through Acceptance, a thorough understanding of

one’s circumstances and a careful analysis of the challenges are achieved. In my

study, the stage of acceptance is an important common experience shared by all

participants. First, the participants described their volatile emotional experiences

in the reality of their grief, loss, and suffering. Acceptance occurred when they

came to realize that they could not escape their realities and that they had to

confront their truths. This common experience provided guidance to the

participants and contributed to their strategies to reduce or resolve their

challenges.

In their Life Stories, my participants discussed how they reached the

critical first step in the process of reaching personal growth and transformation.

Each of them battled fear or stress. They all recognized that they had a personal

choice in dealing with their suffering, and by taking positive actions to confront it

they gained measures of control over their situations. They realized that

avoidance would only prolong their agony and prevent them from resolving the

physical or mental stress associated with the roots of their true suffering.

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 Acceptance is a milestone in the journey of personal growth and

transformation. The participants in this study demonstrated that acceptance is

instrumental in the process of healing their wounds, seeking support, executing

their strategies, and bringing their lives back to harmony. It is a critical stage that

leads to building a relationship with others who want to assist them to cope with

their suffering.

Theories about Acceptance.

In Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s (1969) Grief Model, “Acceptance” is the fifth

and final stage of a series that includes denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.

Similar to Kübler-Ross’s Grief Model, Hansard (2001) and Van Praagh (2000)

held a similar view that ‘acceptance’ is an important stage in the grieving process.

Acceptance is the greatest survival tool which enables adaptability and patience

(Hansard, 2001 p. 39), and is the final goal of the grieving process (Van Praagh,

2000, p. 25). When the participants reach this stage, they acknowledge their

situations for what they are; they recognize the importance of accepting their

losses so that they can heal their wounds and move on with their lives. Even

though they might not have entirely completed their grieving processes or

reconciled with the outcomes of their losses, they simply accept the status quo and

find peace with themselves.

Acceptance is the stage when an understanding is reached that there are

certain situations that cannot be controlled or changed. At this point, individuals

who are suffering find a different perspective that brings their lives back to

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harmony. During this process, insight or knowledge is gained about themselves

and the people they interact with.

Also, by accepting losses they begin the process of resolution and

restoration. A re-evaluation of their lives occurs and new questions arise such as

“what has this situation taught me?”, “what opportunity has it brought my way?”,

and “how different am I now?” (Van Praagh, 2000). Longaker (1997) argued

that Acceptance of our own being—that is, our sensing that we are significant as a

person—depends on knowing that we are accepted by someone or something

larger than our individual self, and this is the beginning of growth (p. 145).

My analysis of the participants’ life stories argues that to begin the process

of coping with suffering, it was critical to accept situations that lead to the

suffering. In contrast, the individuals who remain in any of the four stages

described in Kübler-Ross’s (1969) Grief Model—namely denial, anger,

depression, or bargaining—would be unable to resolve their suffering. They

would continue to be trapped in an endless cycle of grief. Without

acknowledging and accepting the loss or suffering, one cannot identify solutions,

seek advice, or properly get support from professionals.

Accepting the challenges of grief is an important stage that it is not easy to

achieve and can be uncomfortable. At an absolute level, it is a journey without a

set goal (of which there is also no measurement) (Holecek, 2009). While working

towards acceptance, the participants established new practices, routines, and

beliefs. They moved away from their comfort zones and ventured into new

territories that required some forms of adjustment, adaptation, or uneasy conflict

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that lasted until they developed a different routine. They were then able to set

new goals or milestones which contributed to a sense of progress, paying close

attention to how they were doing and how they reacted to the new changes in

facing difficult situations. These challenges helped them to develop fortitude and

strength. Going through these continuous changes promoted a transformation by

acceptance and assimilation.

Therapists often notice profound transformation in their clients when they

reached the stage of acceptance (Boerstler & Kornfeld, 1995). Most people have

been taught from childhood to change themselves to satisfy the expectations of

others or their environment. Through this process, the sense of true identity can

be lost and a mask is created to cover the true self. To achieve self-acceptance is

to unmask and let go of the faux image and accept the self for what it truly is. It

is to live a life of worthiness (Smith, 1998).

By integrating new ways of creating meaning and new intentions, a

metamorphosis into a reinvented “self” can be achieved. This new “self” has an

identity that can lead to fulfillment and an enhanced sense of purpose (Berger,

2009). The participants in my study recognized that the biggest assets they had

was a better understanding of their own situations. They had the ability to take

control and to re-direct their energies toward resolving their suffering. This

strength is profound.

The experience of reaching Acceptance.

All eight participants stated that their experiences of suffering involved

most if not all stages of the Kübler-Ross’s (1969) Grief Model as illustrated in

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Table 1

Participants’ Experiences of Suffering Reflected in Kübler-Ross’s Grief Model

Participant Denial Anger Depression Bargaining Acceptance

Gordon - death of partner √ √ √ √
Charles - facing his sexual orientation √ √ √ √ √
Eliza (1) - death of father √ √
Eliza (2) - end of a lucrative career √ √ √
Eliza (3) - end of a long relationship √ √ √ √
Sophia - facing cancer √ √
Linda - facing cancer √ √ √ √
Jasmine (1) - death of father √ √ √ √
Jasmine (2) - injury from car accident √ √ √ √
Jasmine (3) - agony with Master's
program √ √ √
Jasmine (4) - divorce √ √ √ √
Jasmine (5) - appendix bursting √ √ √
Jasmine (6) - completion of Ph.D.
program √ √ √ √ √
Jung - facing his sexual orientation √ √ √ √ √
Alex - financial loss due to betrayal
of trust √ √ √ √
Note: Author’s table

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Table 1. Denial was the first reaction for nearly all of them. Each of their

emotions travelled through the remaining stages of anger, depression, bargaining,

and then arrived at the final stage of acceptance. The process that each of the

participants of my study went through before reaching a state of acceptance is

discussed in detail in the following paragraphs.

Gordon took more than a year from the date he first discovered Owen

lying unconscious on the floor of their home to reaching acceptance of his death.

Gordon was in denial for roughly a week, until just after the funeral. For the next

few days, he was angry with what had happened as he felt the incident could have

been prevented if Owen had taken care of himself better. Although Gordon did

not bargain with God to restore Owen’s life, he fell into depression for about a

year. At this point he started grief counseling, and a few months later he finally

began to accept the situation and move on with his life. Gordon continues to meet

his therapist infrequently to seek advice on work related stress issues:

By the end of the first year, and after months of counseling, I began to
accept the situation and move on with my life. In the months following
my partner’s death I made no changes to how I was living. I had not
removed his personal things or changed anything in my home. After a year
I took all his clothes to Goodwill and sent other personal items to his
family. I made a number of changes to my home to make it more suitable
for a single person, cancelled his email account, cell phone, gym
membership, and other issues.

Charles had a very long journey before reaching self-acceptance. He was

in denial of his sexual orientation for 17 years until he had his first gay sexual

experience. During these 17 years, his emotions were intertwined with anger,

depression, and bargaining. He became angry when he started to face the agony

that was caused by his sexual orientation not being accepted by his faith or his

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parents. Charles developed a habit of bargaining with God to help him to

overcome his homosexuality. After he enjoyed a visit to the gay village in

Toronto, he fell into a major depression. At this time he had reached the lowest

point in his life and contemplated suicide. The turning point in his life was his

first consensual gay sexual experience, which happened when he was visiting

Myanmar. This event helped him to fully accept that he was gay, and he became

determined not to hide his sexual orientation anymore:

In terms of my parents, over time, bit by bit, I realized that I can’t change
them. I realized that I just need to accept the fact that they will never be
happy that I am gay. And I’m okay with that. I don’t crave acceptance
from my family, only self-acceptance. It just doesn’t bother me anymore.
I love being gay.

Eliza’s journey towards self-acceptance varied each time she had major

sufferings; they all progressed through different emotional stages. Through the

first event, triggered by her father’s illness and then death, Eliza went through

denial, and her family went through the same process. They all believed he would

be able to fight off cancer with medical treatments, and she thought that her

father’s positive nature and healthy lifestyle would see him through. Eventually

she was able to accept that with physical life there is eventually death.

The second major suffering in Eliza’s life was related to her career. She

was emotionally devastated by having to leave it, and expressed that this caused

her the most personal suffering. She admitted she went through an emotional

cycle while trying to deal with this reality. She could not believe it happened, and

her anger about having to let go was tinged with disbelief. As with her father’s

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passing, she found a way to accept that this event was a part of her life and that

she would have to find other means of happiness.

With the third event, the end of a long relationship, Eliza experienced the

emotional stages of denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. She felt that

this acceptance has brought her peace of mind, and is content that the relationship

has ended and that she has moved on:

I miss my father tremendously but I understand that with physical life

there is eventually death. I accept his death and celebrate having known
him and having had his influence in my life for so many years. I am
grateful. The career/job situation is not the best illustration of having
“accepted” the reality of the situation/incident even though I like to
believe that it is entirely over. If acceptance in this situation is permanent,
which it has to be I think, it is that I really do not have regrets about
making the decision I did. I was not willing to compromise my integrity
and peace of mind by overstaying my welcome. I do believe that I did
consider all my options and that all that was left was to choose something
unsavory to me, and I just would not ever sell my soul. Knowing this, I
have truly accepted and I do accept that that part of my life is behind me,
and I am making new advances or at least trying to find other means of
being happy. I have not yet reached the same pinnacle of happiness that I
once had at that job/career but I’ll know when I find it again. The third
situation is an even clearer example of acceptance in my view. It is in the
past and I am glad it’s in the past. If this individual re-appeared in my life,
I would assess things from the new point of meeting. I have evolved, he
has evolved. Nothing will ever be exactly the same again, nor would I
want it to be.

Sophia, unlike all other seven participants, only experienced two stages,

denial and acceptance, when reacting to the discovery that she had cancer. She

was in denial after she was diagnosed because she had always lived a healthy

lifestyle; she could not believe that despite this she had cancer. Her positive

thinking quickly emerged and drove her to find treatment options:

At that point I decided to use my positive thinking, as always. I believed

that I would be able to beat it—that’s the only way you can cope with it if

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 you don’t want to let yourself go. I think my positive attitude and support
from my husband made a big difference.

Sophia was also determined not to let her health issues completely take

over her life. She accepted the physical changes such as hair loss, but found a

way to cope with them by taking a proactive approach to dealing with her issues.

While dealing with this major challenge in her life, she remained a happy person.

Unlike Sophia, when Linda was diagnosed with cancer she experienced

four emotional stages while dealing with her grief: denial, anger, depression, and

acceptance. She went into denial about the results confirming her first cancer,

and then she felt anger, repeatedly questioning why this had happened to her. She

also felt that life was unfair and fell into a deep depression. With the help of her

husband and counseling services, Linda was able to accept her situation with a

new insight: she learned to perceive her battle with cancer as a rare life learning

experience. She was able to realize personal growth as a result of this serious

health issue:

I now accept what I have gone through. I am a winner. I gained a lot

from this experience and am very grateful and fully appreciative of what
life has taught me and is still teaching me. It brings me hope and strength,
which I may never have discovered if not for cancer’s arrival years ago. I
am thankful.

Jasmine had different experiences with each of the six events that caused

suffering in her life. In two of the occasions when she suffered, the death of her

father and the completion of her Ph.D., Jasmine experienced denial. The death of

her father also resulted in feelings of anger, depression, and acceptance. During

her Ph.D. completion process, Jasmine experienced all five emotional stages.

Through her other four sufferings—which included an injury from a car accident,

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agony from struggles in a Master’s program, her divorce, and an appendix

bursting—her emotional stages all started with anger and subsequently travelled

through the other stages until she reached acceptance. Anger and acceptance

were the two emotional stages experienced consistently by Jasmine in all six

occasions in which she suffered.

The longest time Jasmine was in anger was through the completion of her

Ph.D., when she was angry for seven years; this compares to her Master’s

program when she was angry for four years. Jasmine felt anger with other

sufferings (the death of her father, injury from a car accident, and her divorce) for

an average of two years, and the shortest duration of her anger was when her

appendix burst; this event only resulted in anger for three months.

Jasmine admitted that anger was her major defense mechanism when

facing all six of her major sufferings, and that acceptance was not realized until

she realized that her anger was not triggered by the event itself:

My main defense mechanism is anger—I resist and argue with events that
I don’t like. In all cases, I knew I had reached acceptance when I
recognized that I no longer had an “emotional charge” related to the event.
I no longer wanted to rationalize, debate, or resist. I just felt calm and
neutral. I could discuss the event without emotion rising. In my spiritual
practice I had integrated it. I feel like there are some generalities that all
of them embody. In all of them there was a moment of “this isn’t
supposed to be happening”. In every one of them there was a review of
my assumptions. There was anger that this wasn’t supposed to be
happening—the first phase for me was always anger. The next phase was
always a deconstruction process. And during that process it was always
taking everything apart: taking my assumptions apart, taking my fears
apart, taking my ideologies apart.

Jung experienced all five emotional stages in facing the difficulties of his

sexual orientation in a small traditional Korean town. He tried to deny his

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sexuality whenever he felt that his desires were wrong according to the strict

Christian doctrines he was brought up with, and felt isolated by not being able to

discuss his conflict with anyone. He was also angry with himself and tried to

bargain with God to make him a righteous person. When his prayers were not

answered he stopped going to Church, furthering his sense of isolation which

contributed to thoughts of committing suicide to end his suffering.

Jung fell deeper into depression the more he tried to hide his sexuality,

becoming withdrawn socially and at school. Eventually, he realized that he

wanted to be happy and recognized that he deserved to live a life of his own as a

gay man:

I’ve just tried to accept who I am. I love being a positive thinker because
now I believe in myself and also that everything happens for a reason. I
have to live, learn, love, and laugh from now until when I die. I chose not
to commit suicide because I didn’t want to give up on my life. I want to
live happily even though I’m odd and I want to follow my heart and
dreams.

Alex experienced four emotional stages—denial, anger, depression, and

acceptance, while coping with his financial losses. The hardest period for him in

these emotional stages was denial. Alex put too much trust in Karen, one of his

friends, and was lured into investing his life savings with her in an investment

scheme. He also borrowed money from his family that was sucked into the scam.

Alex could not believe a friend he trusted so much would end up betraying him,

causing significant financial loss and mental stress. He became angry with

himself and the swindler for the breach of trust, and fell into depression on several

occasions. He preferred to be left alone and absorbed into his dark emotions.

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 When Alex emerged and shared his story with some of his closest friends,

they provided support and advice to help him bring closure to the financial

turmoil. He then worked to adopt positive measures to move on with his life and

accept the situation as a lesson learned:

I have to move on and improve my situation or it won’t do anyone any

good. Nothing triggered the acceptance. Probably through reading some
material about self development, I know the only way is to manage my
emotions first. The damage was done.

The participants of my study all described experiences since their

childhoods of denying aspects of themselves in order to behave according to the

expectations of their respective environments. They were not encouraged to be

true to themselves or to express their true thoughts openly. Participants like

Charles, Linda, and Jung had adopted or created masks to hide their feelings and

act according to the norms of their cultures, communities, or living environments.

Over time, they lost their true identities, settled, and found some form of security

with their cultivated images. These participants might not be subconsciously

aware of this duality. As long as their environments approved of their behaviors,

they felt accepted and satisfied. Being confronted with life challenges revealed

that their constructed identities could no longer protect them, causing them to feel

exposed, disoriented, and confused. These experiences also threatened their sense

of self-worth.

Summary.

After listening to the life stories of my participants, I gained the insight

that acceptance, especially self-acceptance, is critical in addressing the cause of

participants’ suffering. The participants have taken responsibility in identifying

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what they contribute to their suffering and what they cannot do to prevent it.

They were then able to assess the purposes of their lives and re-prioritize their

goals and objectives towards achieving a fulfilling life.

Acceptance is a gateway for transformative learning. The participants

were able to take an active role in directing changes in their lives. They closely

monitored their progress and continuously refined the process to meet their goals

and objectives. With acceptance, they were able to install a sense of positive

energy in viewing their suffering. The participants were interested in self-

improvement, and sought avenues for development and personal growth through

learning. They perceived changes as opportunities to break the vicious cycle of

suffering and to enrich their life experiences.

Self-acceptance plays an important role in healing traumatic experiences.

After they were confronted with the ghosts of their pasts, they were able to seek

meanings in understanding how their lives had been affected and how they could

make changes in dealing with their fears.

Theme Two: The Importance of a Support Network

This section examines the theme of the importance of a Support Network

in the challenges of dealing with grief. It will first discuss the role that it plays in

this process, then some of the theories about Support Networks, and also the

experiences that the participants of my study had with their Support Network.

All of the participants in this study expressed the important role supporters

played in assisting them in coping with their suffering. Supporters took many

forms such as family members, friends, teachers, therapists, or religious leaders

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who offered spiritual guidance. The resources that supporters offered were

powerful and diverse. They were people who were trusted that would not

necessarily have experienced a similar suffering but were able to provide support

regardless. Their crucial role was to “be there” at the right moment to provide

emotional support, sound advice, and friendship to help the participants overcome

suffering.

Through analysis of my participants’ life stories it became apparent that

supporters performed a critical role in assisting the participants to find clarity

about the causes of their suffering, by helping to make their lives meaningful

during turmoil, and in transforming the challenges of suffering into personal

growth opportunities. This wealth of support also provided a strong foundation

for the development of self-help techniques that the participants could continue to

deploy in the future when facing challenges. The supporters helped the

participants independently take control of their destiny, rather than passively

making them dependent upon external support.

The participants indicated that their support networks made significant

contributions to their coping with suffering. Their supporters inspired them to

seek better understanding of their inner selves and to explore their hidden

potentials to achieve personal growth.

The context of Support Networks.

Through the following sub-section I introduce and discuss several theories

related to the significant role of support networks in coping with suffering.

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 Ram Dass & Gorman (1985) stated that the response to suffering is based

on our deeply rooted natural compassion. The suffering of others can

spontaneously awaken responses of instant empathy. The impulse to do all we

can to relieve another’s pain is the automatic response of our natural compassion,

and the experience of suffering—in ourselves and in others—can trigger

complicated reactions. To investigate these reactions is itself an act of

compassion and an essential step towards becoming more effective instruments of

mutual support and healing. Compassion and pity are very different. Whereas

compassion reflects the yearning of the heart to merge and take on some of the

suffering, pity is a controlled set of thoughts designed to assure separateness.

Compassion is the spontaneous response of love; pity the involuntary reflex of

fear.

According to Ram Dass and Gorman (1985) opening ourselves to the

experience of our pain, exploring the roots of our suffering—ideally with

guidance or support—can increase our opportunity for well being. As the

understanding of our own suffering deepens, we become available at deeper levels

to those we would care for, and we are less likely to project suffering that does

not exist or deny that which does. This helps us become much more sensitive and

alert to the nuances of human pain. Compassion plays a significant role in

forming a strong foundation for a support network that embraces unconditional

love and empathy.

Straub (2000) stated that when someone wants help, they will seek

emotional support from others first. The helper and the client often engage in a

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dialogue with life, a dialogue in which they have things to say and gain mutual

rapport. They would want to keep the conversation going, and this is when the

help becomes collaborative between the helper and the clients. The fundamental

truth at the heart of support is that we can’t grow alone. We need reflection in

order to see our beauty and distortion. Compassion fuels support. A strong

support network requires the bond of an honest and trusting relationship between

the helper and the clients.

Parks Daloz (2000) described a “mentoring community” as a support or

advisory network made up of older adults, teachers, youth leaders, business

people, or clergy who saw something special in the young person and who

encouraged them to find a deeper sense of purpose (p. 115). These individual

contributors acted in the capacity as mentors, and play a particularly prominent

role for many young adults, helping them by shaping their commitments in public

life, nurturing critical thought, dispensing advice, opening doors of opportunity,

challenging and supporting them to take their place as committed adults, and

demonstrating in their own lives the possibility of a life committed to the common

good.

Mentors appear in almost every field of human endeavor and their

importance in human development is richly documented. Important as they are,

though, researchers have found that people who are able to act on and sustain

long-term commitment to a positive vision often describe experiences with a

“mentoring community”—an ecology of relationships with people who value

diversity and transformative discourse (Parks Daloz, 2000). The mentoring

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community is a strong network that provides consultation, and inspires,

encourages, and reinforces learning amongst their participants.

Kuhl (2002) shared insights from his extensive experience with patients in

palliative care. Initially, the dying patients might have felt awkward or

uncomfortable, perhaps because they did not want to inconvenience people.

Nevertheless, these patients were generally relieved when someone invited them

into a meaningful conversation about what they were going through. It usually

benefited all who participated, often strengthening friendships and family

relationships. The process kept people connected and informed about what was

happening, about the patients’ final wishes, and about how friends and family

members can be a part of the patients’ care plans. By helping to build each

palliative care patients’ relationship with their friends and families, Palliative

Care Counselors become a key part of a support network at the end of some

people’s lives.

The experience of a Support Network.

The participants in my research described their supporters as family

members, close friends, teachers, therapists, and leaders of inner or spiritual

guidance. The offer of help from these supporters began with an impulse to do all

they could to relieve pain, an automatic response of native compassion. The

experience of suffering—in ourselves or in others—can also trigger complicated

reactions. The suffering of others spontaneously awakens a response of instant

empathy. Close friends naturally formed support systems and helped the

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participants with their battles. One participant, Gordon, discussed that his support

system was a combination of close friends and professionals:

I’ve been very fortunate. I had quite a bit of support from friends. A
number of friends were very fast to react when my partner died and they
were here immediately. So from that point of view I did have very good
support. And then in the following few days, weeks, I had more
professional support. I went for therapy and many of the issues that I was
working on that were causing me suffering—we worked through how to
deal with those and how to live with them. I think the whole process, after
I’d gone through it all, gave me a very positive outlook on many of the
people that were in my life. I was very lucky.

Gordon’s grief therapy was successful in helping him to view things from

different perspectives about his suffering, and also in dealing with other road

blocks.

Ram Dass and Gorman (1985) stated that we often deny ourselves and

others the full resources of our being simply because we are in the habit of

defining ourselves narrowly and defensively. When we are less flexible or

versatile, we inevitably end up being less helpful. As we lighten our attachment to

self-image, we find a different vantage point from which to observe who we are.

In a similar way to Gordon, Charles shared his stories with others because

he wanted to liberate the secrets of his suffering. He received overwhelming

support from his friends. He then realized that the sharing of his stories had

helped him to expedite his healing process: “I just felt like, as a process of being

true to myself, I wanted to share my experiences with other people. Surprisingly,

the more people I share this past with the less it harmed me.”

While Charles was unable to share his emotions and thoughts with his

family members, he gained tremendous support from his friends. They gave him

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encouragement to be authentic and truthful to himself. He subsequently sought

professional counseling, and after a year of help learned to be assertive and to

accept himself as well as his sexual orientation.

Another participant in my research, Eliza, built a strong Support Network

that was inspired by wisdom passed down from her father. This strategy involved

listening, probing, and continuing to learn from others. Using it, she created a

toolbox of life skills:

I think I’ve been fortunate enough to have had a lot of people who have
passed through my life, such as my father, who have been unafraid to have
discussions of “another realm.” My father has been in this physical life of
mine from the beginning so I guess you could say I started early thinking
along a different track. I’ve always been different in how I look at a lot of
things. To survive, it hasn’t been easy because it’s hard to remain
authentic and harder still to know immediately who you can be authentic
with. I’ve been tripped up a few times but overall, I am still a fairly good
judge of character. Always coming back to the concept of “we are all
one” makes me dig harder to hopefully bring out the other person’s
authentic self, too. Approaches I guess would be being a good listener,
listening accurately, probing, and being non-threatening. It is not an exact
science and the technique and strategies have to be constantly honed for
each individual. The toolbox really has to be bottomless and sometimes
you have to forge new tools.

Sophia was able to maintain an established Support Network with people

from her home country, dating back to the time she and her husband first arrived

in Canada. This helped her in dealing with a serious health issue, and she

described the closeness of this network:

When we came to Canada by boat, we had about nine days on open seas to
meet people who were also coming over for the same reason that we were.
Believe it or not, we still have a few friends from that time. We kept in
touch and were always living close by, and we were like family to each
other because we didn’t have any family here in Canada. Our only
company at that time was ourselves, and then we found a Hungarian
community were we could go, like a cultural house.

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However, her strongest support came from her husband throughout the challenges

of battling with her health. She added, “During that time it was difficult. I kind

of took everything one day at a time and had a lot of support from my husband.”

Support Networks can also be found at the spiritual level. Healing the

soul begins with a commitment to telling the truth. If we tell our story just the

way it is, without exaggeration or understatement, we discover who we are and

what matters to us (Straub, 2000). One participant, Linda, sought guidance from

spiritual counseling services. The regular sessions helped her to explore her inner

self, and she experienced personal growth while coping with her health issues:

I went into counseling sessions with Innerwork and am still doing regular
sessions yearly. I am grateful to have had some guidance when I needed it.
I went into counseling sessions with Innerwork and am still doing regular
sessions yearly. I am grateful to have had some guidance when I needed it.

Jasmine had a different approach and found a variety of strategies to cope

with her suffering. Her most recent support came from a spiritual teacher:

My earlier situations were dealt with using time, talking with friends,
music, yoga, and reading self-help books. My later events—divorce,
appendix, and Ph.D.—I worked with a spiritual teacher and did
deconstruction and specific exercises to be in the present moment.

She further explained the role her teacher had in helping her to release her

negative core beliefs that contributed to using anger as a defense mechanism. She

needed her teacher to challenge her views and the way she interacted with the

world:

I was praying, asking for the universe to send me a teacher. I realized that
I could only work on the surface with self-help readings and yoga. I
needed someone to hold my feet to the fire and help me to release/dis-
create/discharge some negative core beliefs that were limiting me. I
needed someone to challenge me to take responsibility for the way I view
and interact in the world. I needed someone impartial and neutral. Today

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 I use a process called “presence-ing,” I journal, I do yoga, and I see a
teacher.

One participant, Jung, discussed how, in his home country he did not

receive any support from his family members, colleagues, or friends, so he

decided to move out of this restrictive environment to start a new life. The new

environment in another country was far more accepting and friendly towards his

lifestyle. In this new home, he did not need to pretend anymore and could live

authentically:

Toronto is definitely a place where being in an open gay relationship is

okay, I can date whenever I want and there are many opportunities. I have
lived here for seven years and have had many hard times, but I have
settled down. Actually, I am quite happy and am okay. But that does not
mean that I hate Korea’s social system; I understand that system. I am
very happy with my decision seven years ago to live in another country,
and I feel that if I hadn’t done this I probably would be disappointed and
would regret that decision. Not all the time, but recently I am quite happy
and satisfied with my choice.

The minute we accept the place where we feel helpless, it can cause the

deepest truths to be hidden. To regain that perspective of truth or reality is the

beginning of freedom. A participant who had become lost due to being distressed

about financial issues initially isolated himself from his friends. Eventually, Alex

opened up and shared his problems with them and received warm support and

positive encouragement. The connection they formed helped him to get

motivated again to face his personal issues:

I don’t think I really sought out help from friends. When I actually started
to talk about it, they understood the situation I was in and they comforted
me. They started telling me to be positive, and they said “Oh, why didn’t
you tell us when these things happened so that we can help you?” They
didn’t blame me for the situations that I was in, but they definitely said
that I should have opened up sooner. You shouldn’t have cut off contact
with all of us. They had not seen me for some time. They said when we

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 met up that they had been wondering what I was doing. But then when I
met up with them I told them that I had to move on. I mean, emotionally I
was still very down, but I knew that I had to move on with life. I had to
pick up myself. And they started telling me, “Alex, lost things aren’t
really losses, they are lessons. Please move on with your life. You are
still young, you can still make the money back, you know? Anyway, what
can you do? It’s a lesson, an expensive lesson, but you can at least be at
peace emotionally.” So with these friends around me again and their
encouragement, I was motivated to move on.

Summary.

My participants described their experiences of opening themselves to their

Support Networks. Through this process, they gained invaluable advice,

emotional support, and deepened friendships from their supporters. These

participants also developed stronger ties to their supporters based on mutual trust

and respect. If opportunity arose, they also shared their experiences with others

who required support to cope with other issues and challenges.

On a spiritual level, a wake-up call is simply a reminder of the ephemeral

nature of life. Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in

transition, although it is sometimes difficult to realize it. Nothing is ever summed

up in the way that we dream about. The off-center, in between state is an ideal

situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught, and in which we can open our

hearts and minds beyond limit. Most of us resist those moments when we feel

off-balance.

To unmask these shadow elements we need to look at them openly and

compassionately, remembering that we all get to observe the unhealthy parts of

our ego when we serve others. Just as removing our personal mask is a central act

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of transformation, so too is removing the mask of our social self. The

extraordinary thing is that service of any kind reveals parts that still need healing.

Theme Three: Making Meanings of Suffering

This section examines the theme of Making Meanings of Suffering in the

challenges of dealing with grief. It first discusses the role it plays in this process,

then some of the Buddhist theories about Making Meanings of Suffering, and also

the experiences that the participants of my study had discovered of seeking

Meanings of Suffering.

Forming a new identity that reflects an understanding of loss and the

meaning created from it might seem like an intimidating challenge. This did not

deter the participants from my study as they all gained knowledge, confidence,

and a desire to find personal paths to healing as a result of the meanings they

derived from suffering. They also acknowledged that healing was possible, even

while they travelled through a period of despair or deep emotional and physical

pain. They strongly believed that they had the mind power to develop new

positive identities rather than floating along without direction or settling for things

the way they were.

Theories on Making Meanings of Suffering.

In this sub-section I introduce and discuss several theories related to how

meaning is made of suffering.

When we survive a significant suffering, we are forever changed. We are

not exactly the same as we were before, nor could we be. We find ways to adapt

personally and socially to our altered life situation; our worldview shifts, our

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values sometimes change, as do our priorities. Whether we are aware of doing so

or not, we develop a new identity based on these changes, an identity that reflects

how we have created meaning from our suffering and that can give our lives new

purpose (Berger, 2009).

In a way, grieving represents the final stages of one part of our lives. At

the same time, it signals the start of a new beginning. It allows us to cleanse

ourselves so that we can start a new part of our journey refreshed, energized, and

a little bit wiser. The universe has provided us with all the necessary

opportunities to enable us to get through it and over our losses. Loss in any form,

like any obstacle we encounter in life, represents a real opportunity to challenge

ourselves and to grow spiritually. Recognizing these opportunities allows us to

approach these experiences as a voyage of discovery. It is a very special voyage

that allows us to see ourselves in a way that we have never seen before, leading us

to being transformed (Van Praagh, 2000).

When people who are attached to their views suffer a setback and are

asked to try to review the situation differently again, they often insist that the

situation is impossible. With this attitude, it will surely be impossible for them to

succeed. When suffering a single failure, some people do not look for the cause

but only think of the impossibility of succeeding. Therefore, success will be hard

for them to achieve. We must understand that only continual changes and

improvement can bring endless growth. We can do better than before if we view

change as a natural and desirable part of life. As long as we follow the truth and

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accept constant changes in the world without becoming too attached to our views,

we will gain more wisdom and make constant progress (Hsing Yun, 2003).

When thought patterns are changed, worldviews are also changed. It is

possible to maintain an identity while also modifying thought patterns, which can

be achieved by staying grounded while also growing. This is accomplished by

having one foot planted on firm and familiar ground while another toes new and

unfamiliar ground. Also, to transition to a different world, it is first necessary to

transition your identity (O’Kelly, 2006).

Tibetans believe that there is no difference between people from ancient

times and people in today’s world in facing troubles, doubts, and fears. However,

due to pressures of modern living such as commuting, work stress, crime,

unemployment, and all the other challenges we live with, we have more

difficulties finding solutions to make our problems better. The key is to know the

energy at the core of our problems. This key energy is described by Tibetan

Buddhist traditions as the nature of our feelings. These are the mental building

blocks that fuel all human endeavor and influence the way we respond to events

and people in our lives. Whether seemingly negative (loss, shame, guilt, and

suffering) or positive (achievement, fame, approval, and happiness), these

material activities have immense power over our lives. We absorb these

characteristics from childhood and then start to use them to define our everyday

activities. However, they also create confusion in our minds, handcuffing us to a

desperate search for what we believe causes happiness, and an equally intense

desire to avoid unhappiness.

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 Tibetan Buddhists believe the wise action is to cut the cords of attachment

to all material activities, both positive as well as negative, so that our lives are not

defined by them. To do this, we must learn to accept all the aspects of our

personality without judgment, and to understand that both happiness and

unhappiness are good. True wisdom comes from the mind and creates its own

freedom. Understanding the energy wielded by these material activities helps to

take away their influence over us. When we do this, we become able to use our

energy, thoughts, and actions skillfully and appropriately. We will also find our

life naturally starts to improve, and good fortune starts to flow in (Hansard, 2001).

The experience of seeking meanings.

All of the participants in my study expressed how they were able to seek

meanings from their suffering, and re-direct their perspectives in living with new

goals and inspirations.

Gordon indicated that, through his therapist, he learned more about his

emotions and techniques to deal with the causes of these emotions. He also

learned that, for him, forgiveness was the core of the healing process:

On the issue of forgiveness, that is something that has come up in therapy

as well. My own case, I think where I was going was not so much
forgiving myself—forgiving myself for some things that I probably would
have done better or shouldn’t have done—but forgiving my partner as
well. Because it all came out that I was upset with him for contributing
quite a bit to his own death. Unbeknownst to me, I was upset about that,
so that was something that we worked on for quite some time. And I think
I’ve gotten there. I’ve moved on past that, I’ve realized that the
circumstances were pretty much beyond his control as well and I’m not
going to get better myself until I let that go.

With this enlightenment, Gordon began to move on and his experience

with grief changed. He became more aware of living in the present moment

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rather than dwelling on events in the past or worrying about what will happen in

the future. He also changed his personal goals by gaining peace of mind—

learning to ignore small irritations, committing to a daily routine to improve his

physical health, and spending more time with his family, friends, and people he

enjoys being with.

In a similar way to Gordon, Linda felt that she gained new insights from

battling cancer. She learned to appreciate new opportunities for life learning

experiences and personal growth as a result of her health issue:

I now accept what I have gone through. I am a winner. I gained a lot

from this experience and am very grateful and fully appreciative of what
life has taught me and is still teaching me. It brings me hope and strength,
which I may never have discovered if not for cancer’s arrival years ago. I
am thankful.

Linda recalled a significant self-discovery from one of the retreats she

attended with a counseling organization called Innerwork. This organization

helped her to become better connected with nature and find a sense of tranquility.

She felt that this connection with nature allowed her to discover new insights into

her life, unblocking past unpleasant experiences:

I needed to move forward, and ultimately I had to find a message because

we were supposed to have some learning to share with the group. The
thing I learned was that the past is over and I had to move on. The
waterfall is always moving, and nothing is set and nothing is real; nothing
is there forever. Everything just flows. So even if you’re hurt or if you’re
stuck in unhappiness, it’s fine because it just flows. So I just needed to let
certain things flow through me because when they are suppressed, things
were not flowing. And then it came to me that this is why I may have
lumps here and there, because I have stuck energy inside my body that I
have been suppressing over the years. I discovered that this has something
to do with water. I felt very happy for the first time in my life—I’d never
been to the sea and the beach because my mom never allowed it when we
were younger. So, on Saturday, we went to the beach! I went into the
water. It was very different—I’d been in a swimming pool but it wasn’t

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 the same at all. It was the first time and I just—I think that it was good
enough for me as a starter.

Another participant, Sophia, also faced the challenges of cancer and coped

with her suffering while maintaining a positive mindset. In our interview, she

discussed an inner voice which reminded her to believe in herself and to confront

the challenges she was facing directly:

The only thing that I used was my positive thinking and my belief that I
was going to be okay. There was this voice deep inside me that told me
that I can do this if I believe. I never stopped believing. The whole idea
that if it works for me, then it should be okay. I wish that other people
would use this kind of attitude because I know a few people, from work
even, that really let themselves go and don’t think positively. They just
look at the negative side of things, which is a bad thing to do because it
will make you unhappy and unwell.

With the recognition of her critical health issue, she felt a major shift in her life

from which new personal goals and values emerged. This new insight was a

determination to live each day to its fullest:

My personal goals and values have changed a little bit because I want to
spend as much time as possible with my family and friends. I look at what
makes life worth living and make the best of it. I see the good in
everything and pain disturbs me when I see someone unhappy and
negative. What I learned from this experience is that life is precious and
you should not take it for granted. Live each day to the fullest and be
happy.

Two other participants changed their perspectives about what was

important in their lives due to their suffering. One of them, Charles, had an

awakening; he needed to strengthen his self-esteem to face challenges, and also to

accept himself more each day.

Without these changes, I would not be able to carry on. A consequence of

my previous religious convictions was that I would always condemn
myself and not be able to develop a healthy self-esteem. By only
surrounding myself with positive influences, which included detaching

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 myself from my family and religious friends, I was able to fight off
negative thinking. I still have a lot of bad habits and negative thinking
that linger, but I work daily to overcome them and become the best
possible person that I can. While everyday is still a bit of a battle, I think
that everyone has their own struggles just like I do. I feel that I’m a better
person because of what I’ve been through. A while back, I learned to be
content by remembering the slogan that “it’s not getting what you want,
but wanting what you have.” This can be used in every circumstance and
it has helped through my personal struggles. I’ve learned to just accept
and even enjoy what I have, yet to also work to become the ideal person
that I want to be on a daily basis.

Jung, the other participant who expressed a changed perspective, stated

that he learned to be satisfied with what he already had in life. While he adapted

this positive thinking to cope with challenges, he also continued to embrace an

authenticity of being honest with himself. When he made these changes he

learned to live the life of his choice without feeling guilty:

How can I describe this feeling inside me? I feel that the most important
thing is accepting who I am and who you are. Even though I still have a
hard time once and a while because I’m a gay man, I’m so glad that I’m
healthy compared to people with handicaps, and also compared to people
who have grown up without family. Others live without freedom or
enough food and water. I’ve been trying to be satisfied with how much
my life is better than the other people’s lives and their situations. I’ve also
accepted that life isn’t fair. Trying to enjoy my life rather than
complaining a lot, living as best as I can in this moment with the abilities
that I have.

After facing challenges, there can be an opportunity to re-balance

priorities and to reevaluate relationships with others. Another participant in my

study, Eliza, experienced major shifts as a result of three significant occasions

when she suffered:

My personal goals and values have not changed but my priorities in life,
relationships with those I care most about, and my lifestyle have. The loss
of my father made me more cognizant of the present and the value of
spending time with loved ones. I have not met anyone who I am
interested enough in to get into another relationship with but that’s

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 probably because it simply is not a priority for me. I am open to the
possibility but I’m not actively looking for it. The career change has
meant a decrease in income which naturally changes how one lives. I
have learned to understand and value my resources and resourcefulness
more than ever. The quality of my life hasn’t changed; it’s just different.

When discussing the new insights gained from these three significant

events, Eliza said that they became a reason for her to learn new life lessons.

Furthermore, she believes that future events will come up to test how well she has

learned these life lessons, and as long as she has properly figured them out then

she will be able to move on in her life. One of these lessons reminded her of her

life’s mantra—to live to her potential:

My father’s death reminds me that each physical life does have an expiry
and not to waste it as every day is a gift to your ability to cope with the
next day, as long as you are learning from your experiences. The career
situation reminds me that I had a career that brought out my passion and
that I was very happy in and that such passion and happiness does exist
and I can have it again. Most people don’t ever experience that level of
passion and happiness so I know I’m very fortunate. It’s not being greedy
but it’s an eye-opener that confirms what does exist and what is achievable
and beyond. The relationship issue I consider to be research. A way of
finding out what you like/don’t like in a life partner. In this search, you
are really learning about yourself. What more valuable lesson could there
be? My life’s mantra has always been “to live my potential.” The concept
of impermanence to me would imply that by living one’s potential, one
never stops living.

Jasmine learned though her sufferings to allow things to happen they way

they do rather than trying to control the outcomes:

So my word is “allow,” and to just “allow what is.” Instead of fighting for
the illusion of control, just allow. Allow life to be what it is. And that’s
where I think the true transformation is for me: that in all these ways and
facets in my life, whether it be work, relationships, health, spirituality, it
literally is just allow life to be as it is. . . . So people are going to die,
people are going leave, things are going to change, nothing is permanent.
Well eventually you’re going to do so much deconstruction that it’s not
going to hurt anymore. You’re going to embrace it as part of the process.
I can really start to feel that now. I’m almost forty—I’m thirty-nine—and

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 at this stage I’m starting to feel that. I have less attachment to things that I
used to care about and fight about, unlike maybe in my undergrad life,
maybe twenty years ago. I feel like I’m getting a little bit less attached to
certain concepts. And it feels, actually, a lot more sane. Back then you
were fighting for the illusion of control. Now, you know there is no
control so you don’t have to fight anymore.

Jasmine established a routine of four essential practices to cope with

changes. These four practices have enabled her to combine reflection, self-

inquiry, and mind training through creative activities. She acknowledged that her

challenges provided her with opportunities to experience new modalities of

transformation and commented that through the journey of transformation, she

discovered her true core and a new identity emerged:

I don’t know if it’s new: it’s kind of my core, in a way. It’s kind of like
the truth, or the old, or the real. I want to give it a label which I really
can’t do because language is so limiting, but I feel like in a way it’s
remembering who I truly am. Maybe all those masks and illusions just got
in the way, but this is maybe the truth. This is maybe the remembering of
the truth.

Alex, the participant who faced the challenges led by his financial loss,

found new meanings in his life. He is grateful to be alive and to have a chance to

start over again. He established a new outlook that adopted a more relaxed

approach and has less attachment to things:

I find that, after all these troubles, I do not hold things too dearly. I think I
see things a little bit more clearly. Lost is lost. For example, I had a virus
attack during my stay in Bangkok—my computer broke down. I had to
get it repaired and it was pretty bad—they needed to clear the whole thing.
At the time I said “forget it, it’s lost.” The important information was on
back-up. It didn’t occur to me that I had a lot of old information stored
inside my computer and certain references for my future. Reference about
what I’d like to do. Only after the repairs were completed did I realize
that I’d lost all of the things that were stored. I found that, after all the
financial troubles, I did not hold onto things as dearly as I used to. Okay,
life is fine. If it’s gone it’s gone, I can buy a new one. That kind of thing,
I think that’s related to my view of impermanence.

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 These changes instilled purpose in Alex’s life. He learned to appreciate

the things he has and the people who provided him support while coping with the

difficult times he faced:

I think it instilled a purpose in my life and a desire to fight for a positive

mindset, I can then move on to a happy next stage of my life. I have to
throw away pessimism. Not changing my patterns of negativity equaled
misery. I had to learn to live in contentment and within my means. I now
appreciate what I have and the people around me more.

Summary.

Through this study, I found that my participants changed their

perspectives in life, the way they see the world, and their place in it through the

process of coping with their suffering. All of the participants revised their values

and priorities in their lives and reassessed what was most important to them.

Whether these changes were conscious or not, they made choices about how to

live going forward. I discovered that those who successfully overcame their

suffering created new relationships with their loved ones, made meaning from

their suffering, and reinvested in the world with a new sense of hope and purpose.

In doing so, they created a new identity.

All of my participants had similar questions for themselves when confronted

with their suffering:

• Am I living the life I want?

• Has the suffering I have experienced colored my worldview in positive or

negative ways?

• Can I have an enriched, more meaningful, and more fulfilling life?

• What do I need to do to change my life?

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 • Am I embracing hope for the future and taking control of my grieving

process?

People who are attached to their views and always fall back on their habits

when dealing with challenges will always find that they are unable to resolve the

root causes of their issues. Only after they correct or adjust their perspectives will

they have new insights to their situations. The truth in Buddhism lies in its

acceptance of constant changes in the world. We can do better than before if we

can view change as a natural and desirable part of life. As long as we follow the

truth and we are not attached to our views, we will gain wisdom and make

constant progress in life. We must understand that only continual improvements

can bring endless growth, and we can then depart from unnecessary fear and

suffering.

Theme Four: Impermanence

Contemplate the impermanence and brevity of thought. Our thoughts

come and go with a rapidity that almost no one can fully comprehend, let
alone control. In one moment we are in heaven, in the next the doors of
hell open before our eyes. None of it is permanent. None of it remains the
same. The mind moves ceaselessly among the disorganized data of the
sensory world. By contemplating the frailties and inconstancies of our
own thoughts, we teach ourselves that all things are impermanent and that
nothing we can conceive of will remain—Great Nirvana Sutra (Hsing
Yun, 2000, p.61)

This section examines the theme of Impermanence in the challenges of

dealing with grief. It first discusses the role that it plays in this process, then

some of the Buddhist theories about Impermanence, and also the experiences that

the participants of my study had with Impermanence.

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 Buddhist psychology is essentially a philosophy that emphasizes

impermanence, transience, or process (Daya, 2001). In Buddhism, existence

depends on the principle that “all effects arise from causes” (Hsing Yun, 2000).

Hence, effects are dependent on the right causes and the right conditions. When

both causes and conditions are right, a result or an effect will occur. If there is no

cause, then there will be no effect, and vice versa. When we understand that all

phenomena in the universe are governed by the nature of impermanence and the

interconnectedness of all things, we can understand that not one of them has its

own “self nature.” Since all lives are interconnected and co-dependent on the

conditions in which they exist, no independent part of life can exist in and of

itself.

The participants of my study described the learning experiences in which

the principle of impermanence was imbedded in them. A belief of impermanence

meant that their suffering would not be everlasting, and they found hope that their

feelings of loss and grieving would subside.

Theories about Impermanence.

This sub-section discusses different theories and perspectives about

impermanence. Some of the Buddhist theorists who will be discussed are Ven.

Hsing Yun (2000), Thich Nhat Hanh (2002), Ram Dass (2000), Holecek (2009),

and Longaker (1997).

In Buddhism, it is said that existence begins with emptiness. Emptiness

means that there is no self-nature and no independent nature. All phenomena are

interconnected and inter-dependent (Hsing Yun, 2000). The theories of co-birth

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(sahajati) and co-dependence (annyamannya) state that all the elements of

samsara, either separate or interacting, are actually part and parcel of one another;

they all arise together. Each dimension of samsara is conditioned by the others.

When one ceases, they all cease (Brazier, 1995). Life is made up of

interdependent parts. According to Zen Buddhism, our mind functions in the

same way and is dominated by a network of interdependent passions. When one

changes, they all change.

Things are always changing and evolving. Impermanence means that

everything changes and nothing remains the same in any consecutive moment.

The insight of impermanence enables us to see the positive sides of change. If

impermanence means that things are always changing, then sadness and suffering

will pass. Impermanence is the nature of reality, and is a perspective of reality

gained from the point of view of time. Nothing is solid, lasting, and independent.

Things may appear to be permanent but there is no essence to that appearance.

Since there is nothing unchanging, impermanence means being transformed at

every moment (Nhat Hanh, 2002).

Most people believe everything exists. They think whatever they see,

hear, or feel exists. Buddhism’s perspective of life includes both existence and

non-existence. True existence comes from emptiness and eventually goes back

again into emptiness. When we realize that when everything we see is a part of

emptiness, then there is no need to become attached to any existence. We will

realize that everything is merely a tentative form and color (Suzuki, 1970). We

do not know what changes will come and how these changes will affect us.

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 The law of impermanence, anicca, states that if we want to reduce our

suffering, we need to learn to remain open to what we do not know. We should

not try to anticipate the future, and should stay open to all possible outcomes. By

bringing past memories into the present without clinging or judgment, these

memories become references of experiences, and awareness grows in our minds.

When we do that, our memories get “neutralized.” They become part of the

backdrop of existence, and the energy that has been locked into “holding onto the

past” (Ram Dass, 2000, p. 118) is released. We feel a little freer, and a little more

alive.

Chaos theory helps us to understand that hardships are part of the

development process. Once a level of organization breaks down, it will be

reorganized at a higher level due to a system of evolution. Without movement,

we will not discover stillness. We create unnecessary hardships when we cling to

stillness and wrestle to eliminate movement (Holecek, 2009).

Life is a continual circle of change, impermanence, and loss. A large part

of unnecessary suffering comes from not feeling safe to acknowledge or express

our natural fears and sadness, and not taking the time to express or honestly

communicate true feelings. One of the greatest forms of suffering is attachment

(Longaker, 1997).

The experience of Impermanence.

Six of the participants in this study indicated that an understanding of

impermanence became a significant part of their lives. They described the

personal challenges and changes they faced in coping with their situations, and

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how they were presented with opportunities to better understand themselves

through new knowledge of impermanence. Eliza said that impermanence offered

her a different perspective to deal with a tough situation which had both positive

and negative connotations:

When I think about choices I always think, well, what are the alternatives
to approaching loss and grief, and to be able to pull yourself out of the
depths. To stay there isn’t a very attractive place to be for very long. That
has to do with strength of mind as well, and on an individual basis when
people are ready to pull themselves out of the doldrums, that’s when
they’re able to let the principles of repeated positive patterns remind them
what’s important. When you’re able to put your finger on those things it
will make a difference, and those who need that guidance are then able to
focus on it and it will eventually become like breathing.

Impermanence can give people hope when facing challenges that their

situations will improve, and this contributes to the perspective that their suffering

will not continue endlessly. Impermanence can inspire people to advance

themselves to adapt new skills and knowledge so that they can elevate to the next

level. Understanding impermanence elicits a changed mindset; suffering is a

mental and an emotional state—as Gordon noted in his interview. With this

perspective, we do not hold on to memories whether they are favorable or

unfavorable. When facing unfavorable situations, a person can look forward to

the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Gordon noted:

Impermanence is—I don’t think anything is permanent—so

impermanence to me means that any situation will not continue, it’s not
forever, so I know that whatever situation is impermanent, that it is not
going to continue at some point, and I’ll move on. The situation will
change, one way or another, but it will change.

Another participant, Linda, endured several types of suffering beginning

in her childhood, and strongly believes that she had to take control of how she

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lived. She did not settle for unpleasant living conditions and found inner peace in

simple things:

And now I always try to remind myself that nothing is permanent except
change. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that yeah, I can be
frustrated, but after a while it doesn’t really matter—it may be a week or a
month or a year. . . . And now I always try to remind myself that nothing
is permanent except change. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that
yeah, I can be frustrated, but after a while it doesn’t really matter—it may
be a week or a month or a year.

Detachment requires strong determination. After much suffering over

significant financial loss, Alex learned to let go of his anger about it. Detachment

gave him an opportunity to reevaluate his priorities, to reexamine his relationship

with friends and people around him, and to reconsider how he wanted to manage

his own life:

If I understand impermanence correctly it means that nothing is there

forever. I would say that it means that you have to adapt as things are
happening—for example, my parents could pass away one of these days,
and their lives are impermanent. So you have to come to accept it. I
mean, nothing is permanent, not even my own life, and there’s no point
holding on to something too dearly or attaching too many feelings to an
item or a person because ultimately everything will go away from you.

In a similar way to Alex, Jung learned to accept the changes in his life just

like he accepted fluctuations in the weather. He also applied different techniques

to maintaining a positive mindset such as doing meditation and listening to music:

Life is funny, right? Up and down, like the weather. We can’t always be
positive, but I find meditation really important in keeping my mind
positive. Sometimes I’m down—it could be from weather, with lots of
clouds and rain. Toronto has quite a long winter season compared to
South Korea, and from March to May it is often rainy and cloudy. But I
try to listen to music a lot, and think about all of the good things that I
have. I have good health and a good body, especially compared to those
who are not healthy. Recently one of my best friends had an operation
and after I went to the hospital I was so appreciative of my health. Also,

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 exercising regularly and going out to meet people helps to keep me
positive.

Jasmine expressed that when people have the illusion of permanence

through controlling and holding on to people, status, and situations, this

attachment is the cause of suffering. She realized that she had been a very

controlling person, and that she used to have high expectations of outcomes. She

would try to control how things would turn out rather than allowing them to

evolve naturally.

I think that everything is impermanent. My personal opinion is that

everything changes—the seasons, the trees, the clouds. Nothing is solid.
Nothing is forever. Nothing stays. Nothing is permanent. I think we have
a false reality that there is such a thing as permanence. It seems to me that
if I was going to define impermanence I’d say everything is impermanent.
We just have a weird belief system that there is such a thing as
permanence, but I actually don’t think anything is permanent.
Relationships, people, thoughts, ideas, nature, time—nothing in my mind
is permanent. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is “You are the sky, and
everything else is just weather.”

All of these participants were aware of the causes leading to their

suffering. Development in adulthood can be perceived as a learning process. It is

a transformative process in which meaning becomes clarified through expanded

awareness, critical reflection, validating discourse, and reflective action. This

enables adults to move toward a fuller realization (Mezirow, 2000).

Summary.

My analysis of the participants’ life stories, with a focus on their

experiences in suffering, affirmed their perspectives of impermanence. Although

none of these participants are Buddhist and they were not aware of the Buddhist

principle of Impermanence before we discussed it, they all expressed that the

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causes of their suffering were related to the notion of control, regardless of

whether the control was self-imposed, imposed by another party, or by their

socio-cultural environment. The illusion that everything stays still and turns out

according to expectations creates unnecessary stress and disappointment.

Participants learned through a variety of events in their lives that they could not

be attached to their expectations, regardless of whether they were favorable or

not. There were many situations that shaped and controlled their lives, many of

which were uncontrollable or unavoidable. These events might have directly or

indirectly impacted the harmony that they had tried hard to cultivate and secure.

The participants learned that understanding impermanence provided them

with numerous opportunities to gain insights and self-discovery. They were able

to stretch their limits or boundaries to learn new skills and knowledge. These

participants took an active role in addressing their suffering and dealt with it with

positive mindsets. They saw opportunities to reorganize their lives after falling

into turmoil or chaos. In coping with changing environments, these participants

further developed their skills and knowledge through education, counseling, and

reflection.

By understanding impermanence, these participants developed positive

mindsets in facing challenges. They learned that they needed to remain flexible

and adaptive to changes in their evolving environments. This empowerment

enabled them to reduce stress and anxiety in facing uncertainties.

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Theme Five: Letting Go

This section examines the theme of Letting Go in the challenges of dealing

with grief. It first discusses the role that it plays in this process, then some of the

Buddhist theories about Letting Go, and also the experiences that the participants

of my study had with Letting Go in coping with suffering.

There is a difference between letting go and giving up. Letting go means

letting things come and go by just letting things be (Surya, 2003). Letting go

signifies that we have loosened up the tight control on everything in our

environment. When this has been done, we become aware of the old behaviors

and moods we cling to, the vested interests and attitudes, and our perspectives in

which we are narrow-minded or dogmatic.

Buddhist literature often uses the word “clinging” to describe the action of

holding on to something in both tangible and intangible ways; the things which

are held on to can be ideas, opinions, material things, status, relationships, or

people. Clinging can be manifested in many ways, such as dogmatic beliefs,

values, daily routines, phobias, and addictions. Clinging ultimately limits our

freedom to vary habitual patterns and conditioning. This is done by creating an

assessment system—a boundary of acceptance and exclusion in perceiving and

evaluating any activities, ideas, thoughts, sensations, or people.

Achieving calmness in the Zen Buddhist practice known as zazen is not

done by controlling the various images you find in your mind, but by allowing

yourself to see things as they are, observing things as they are, and letting

everything go. Zen practitioners believe that if you leave your mind as it is it will

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be calm, and this state of mind is called a big mind. If the mind is related to

something outside itself, it is a limited mind, and it is known as a small mind. If

the mind is not relating to anything, then there is no dualistic understanding in the

activities in the mind. The big mind experiences activities within itself;

understanding activity is just waves of the mind. The big mind and the small

mind are one; the attitude determines which understanding you have. With big

mind we accept each experience as a part of all aspects of life without disturbance

or excessive joy (Suzuki, 1970).

The critical role of Letting Go in coping with suffering.

According to Buddhist theory, unnecessary hardship and suffering stem

from our inability to let go. We can be attached to many things in our lives, such

as our possessions, appearance, social status, and thoughts. The excessive

attachments to transient things lead to the Second Noble Truth of Buddhism: “The

origin of suffering (Samudaya) is attachment” (Daya, 2001; Ericker, 1995; Surya,

2003). Transient things are not limited to physical objects but are also ideas,

desires, expectations, and all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of

understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The roots of

suffering are craving and clinging. Since the objects of our attachment are

transient, the losses associated with the objects are inevitable.

Suffering will soon follow when our expectations are not met (Ericker,

1995, p. 38). We suffer because we have an illusion that things and conditions are

“stable” and will remain unchanged. We are attached to the moments of illusory

unchanging, not realizing that they occurred due to the interconnection of cause

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and effect. (Smith, 1998). The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism “The path to

cessation of suffering (Magga)” requires not clinging to ideas and concepts as

realities of experience (Daya, 2001; Ericker, 1995).

The practice of letting go can be addressed at three levels. On an external

level, we are attached to things that we do not want to relinquish. These include

possessions, wealth, youthful appearance, people we love, personal

accomplishments, our careers, and social or political status. On an internal level,

we are attached to concepts, images, our ideas and opinions, beliefs, habitual

ways of doing things, feelings, moods, and memories. On the innermost level,

attachments are related to our egoistic, selfish, self-important view of self and

who we think we are. Letting go of the innermost level requires patience, self-

knowledge, and awareness (Surya, 2003).

A lot of unnecessary hardship is a result of our inability to let go.

Attachment is a major roadblock that prevents the process of letting go from

happening. Furthermore, attachment is a manifest of desire, which is expressed in

two primary forms: active desire and passive desire. Active desires are the

cravings for something we do not have. On the other hand, passive desires are the

sustained desires which are something we already have which we do not want to

be taken away from us. Passive desire is therefore manifested in attachment.

When we are forced to let go, we experience resentment. We feel hurt. In order

to be set free, we need to let go of everything. When we let go completely,

liberation dawns and we are not attached to the bondage of perceptions (Holecek,

2009).

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 The experience of Letting Go in coping with suffering.

All of the participants in this study described personal attachments which

led to their greatest suffering, and six of them discussed their approaches to letting

go of suffering. Their experiences ranged from: ending a relationship with a

company which she had helped to build (Eliza); a departure from a life partner

(Gordon); escaping the oppression of cultural, social, and family expectations

(Charles); the loss of a lifetime worth of savings as well as a trusted friendship

(Alex); liberation from a mother’s tight controls and her own family life (Linda);

and the strong expectation of anticipated outcomes (Jasmine). While I will be

analyzing Buddhist theories about Impermanence, it was not a concept or strategy

that my participants mentioned in reference to Buddhism as part of their process

of letting go. As a researcher, I identified patterns in their respective processes of

healing that are consistent with Buddhist practices and will be discussing these

patterns through the rest of this sub-section.

As the term is used by Holecek (2009), their attachments were rooted in

passive desires. They had to work hard to reach their life goals and enjoy the

fruits of success at both the external and internal levels. The more they enjoyed

their successes, the more they clung to them. They all wanted to hold on to the

favorable moments of their lives. Any changes that disturbed the harmony in

their lives were viewed as threats to their well being. The more they wanted to

resist these changes and challenges, the more stress they imposed on themselves.

Through unexpected changes, their lives were shifted and exposed to

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uncertainties; they did not have roadmaps to guide them through these changes.

At the same time, they didn’t know when their challenges would end.

Eliza encountered a series of interrelated sufferings. Losing her father, a

career where she had contributed to building a company, and a relationship was

an emotional roller coaster. Each of these incidents required her to have

tremendous strength and courage to walk away from the emotional suffering.

When I think about choices I always think, well, what are the alternatives
to approaching loss and grief, and to be able to pull yourself out of the
depths. To stay there isn’t a very attractive place to be for very long. That
has to do with strength of mind as well, and on an individual basis when
people are ready to pull themselves out of the doldrums, that’s when
they’re able to let the principles of repeated positive patters remind them
what’s important. When you’re able to put your finger on those things it
will make a difference, and those who need that guidance are then able to
focus on it and it will eventually become like breathing.

Letting go of egoism is tough spiritual work. It is easy to get caught up in

the emotional highs that occur when our ego is being stroked (Surya, 2003, p,

123). Eliza decided to walk away from both a career and a company she helped

to build. These were accomplishments that she had been very proud of. Getting

past this suffering involved all three of the levels of letting go. At the external

level, she had to let go of her deceased father and her relationship with him. At

the innermost level, she had to let go of an egoistic and self-important view of

herself, being a successful senior executive in the company she helped build. At

the internal level, she had to let go of the feelings, memories, regrets, and beliefs

that were associated with the three significant events which contributed to her

accumulated suffering.

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 Another participant, Gordon, described the suffering caused by the sudden

death of his partner Owen. His partner’s departure made him re-think the nature

of their relationship and the life they had built since they started living together.

As a same sex couple, they fought social stigma and discrimination in their work

environments. After losing his partner, Gordon felt vulnerable, had trouble

dealing with his emotions, and had further difficulties with constant annoyances

by his in-laws. He also felt guilty thinking of what he might have done to save his

partner’s life:

In fact, I would attribute the fact that I started feeling better to the therapy
sessions. It started off with something like grief counseling—how to
manage loss because I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sleeping. I was
experiencing all sorts of uncharacteristic emotions that I wasn’t
accustomed to. And when I went to the therapist I spent several sessions
just describing what happened, and of course a bit about myself and my
relationships. And then we started working on some of the things that
were in my head that I was suffering with. One example would be that I
was thinking a lot about what I could have done to avoid my partner’s
loss. Could I have intervened? Should I have been doing this or doing
that? It was weighing on me quite heavily, and the therapist was very
good at explaining why I was having those thoughts and what sort of
process was going on that was making me do that. And then we started
working on some exercises on how to make that stop. It was a fairly
complicated process and it required quite a bit of work on my part—a lot
of diligence. I found that it was very effective. After I’d started working
on those suggestions, probably within two or three weeks, the emotional
suffering I was experiencing started to lessen. I started sleeping through
the night and eating again and all these sorts of things. I was following the
suggestions the therapists were making, and we would follow up,
sometimes twice a week, and I found that it really made a difference.

In our interview, Charles discussed his early experiences of sexual abuse.

This haunting memory created a fear of darkness since he was a child. During his

adolescence, he discovered his sexual orientation, and that it was in conflict with

his faith and strictly religious family. This unpleasant past history contributed to

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a low level of self-esteem. He was also very upset with his appearances and did

not think that he was good enough, which manifested as an inferiority complex of

his siblings. In order to get beyond this suffering he had to let go at his internal

and innermost levels. At the internal level, he first let go of his self-image, and

then the cultural and religious beliefs by which he measured himself. At the

innermost level, he had to let go of a self-important view of himself; he learned

not to be concerned with hiding his true feelings and how he displayed his sexual

orientation. He became truly glad to be himself, and to be courageous and honest:

I think the biggest thing that helped me to change who I was and become
who I am was just being true to myself; just every day, being honest to
myself. Before getting there, it’s scary because you don’t know how it’s
going to turn out. My experiences of being true to myself have given me
great joy—it’s incredible. I don’t know why more people aren’t being
true to who they are. I also feel that—because I went through what I went
through struggling with my identity—people who haven’t struggled aren’t
being true to themselves because they’re afraid of that stuff, getting there.
The tools I got have helped me to be who I am more than they are. I
realized that I don’t need to hide any more. The funny thing is that right
now, when I live my life, I’m surprised that I feel normal and so free. I
would not want it any other way. . . . Over the years, I learned to accept
who I was and to work to improve on that. Not to judge myself by other
people’s standards, but my own. I set goals to achieve, and to push myself
to reach them. I think that’s in a song: it goes something like it’s more
about wanting what you have than having what you want—or something
like that. Another thing is that I’ve learned is to let things go, especially in
relationships. I’m still working on it, but I try to have a few closer friends
rather than a lot of casual friends. It’s hard for me to move a lot, to move
on from one place to another place. Also not to work on relationships so
much and to let them play their course—let what will happen happen. I
think I learned this from a proverb, if you love a bird let it go. If it’s yours
it will come back to you. I try to live my life happy.

Linda described growing up in a tightly controlled environment under the

close supervision of her mother. Her first experiences with freedom came when

she got married and moved away from her parents’ home at the age of twenty-

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four. She was able to enjoy her married life and have her own family for about

ten years until an unexpected health issue shattered her dreams. Her attachments

were to passive desires—to the freedom to be with her family and to good health,

both of which were taken away from her. From her therapy sessions, she realized

that certain issues in the past created blockages to her personal growth and

spirituality. She rediscovered that tranquility can be found in nature, which

contributed to the flow of letting go:

The waterfall is always moving, and nothing is set and nothing is real;
nothing is there forever. Everything just flows. So even if you’re hurt or
if you’re stuck in unhappiness, it’s fine because it just flows. So I just
needed to let certain things flow through me because when they are
suppressed, things were not flowing. . . . I made a decision not to worry
about it so much. Things would be okay, and I had to let things be what
they were.

Another participant, Jasmine, described her past suffering as being related

to her overly calculated expectations. She would try to take control, fight off her

vulnerability, and not allow things to happen naturally. She had a fear of losing

control and compensated by trying to micro-manage. These attachments are

described as passive desires and are also at the internal and innermost levels.

When she finally let go and allowed her life to run organically, she was able to

experience transformation:

This is something that creates suffering, actually. The idea to hold on to

marriages; or the idea to hold on to people; or the idea to hold on to a
situation—that’s what creates suffering. . . . If you don’t fight it—the
nakedness and vulnerability—and I just let it be, then that’s when
transformation comes. Sometimes I would delay the transformation by
fighting it. I hated feeling helpless. . . . So my word is “allow,” and to just
“allow what is.” Instead of fighting for the illusion of control, just allow.
Allow life to be what it is. And that’s where I think the true
transformation is for me: that in all these ways and facets in my life,

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 whether it be work, relationships, health, spirituality, it literally is just
allow life to be as it is.

Alex had to come to terms with the reality that his friend, Karen, had

betrayed his trust and caused him severe financial loss. After extensive mental

suffering through the process, he finally let go and accepted that his investments

could not be recovered. With this decision, he was able to develop future plans to

live a positive life. He also received encouragement from his close friends to

move on:

But then when I met up with them I told them that I had to move on. I
mean, emotionally I was still very down, but I knew that I had to move on
with life. I had to pick up myself. And they started telling me “Alex, lost
things aren’t really losses, they are lessons. Please move on with your life.
You are still young, you can still make the money back, you know?
Anyway, what can you do? It’s a lesson, an expensive lesson, but you can
at least be at peace emotionally.” So with these friends around me again
and their encouragement, I was motivated to move on.

Summary.

All the participants in this research experienced suffering of passive

desires. Their attachments were associated with something that they felt was

valuable but had been taken away from them. The intensity of letting go was

intertwined with their internal and innermost levels. Their common attachments

were belief, self-image, memories, and expectations of desirable outcomes. The

concept of “self” played a critical role in both the cause of their suffering and its

and easing; they formed self-beliefs consistent with their socio-cultural

backgrounds which gave them expectations about how things “should” turn out.

Hence, when unexpected events occurred, they began to have doubts about their

abilities to handle them. For most of the participants, their first instinct was to

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look inward and question whether they could have prevented these things from

happening. They further questioned whether they had sufficient control over the

issues. The more they resisted the changes, the more they were pressured by their

suffering.

When they tried to maintain a tight grip on their mental habits, they were

not able to explore and expand alternative solutions to resolve their situations.

However, with increasing critical reflection and awareness they came to the

realization that, “there is nothing more that they can do after they have tried their

best.” This acknowledgement helped them to let go of the self-imposed mental

burden of firm assumptions. Transformative learning occurred when they

accepted the conditions of their lives as they were and let them be. After they

adopted this mindset, the participants all felt liberated. Their blockages were

removed.

As mentioned before, Buddhist theories about Impermanence were not

concepts or strategies deliberately used by my participants; I identified the

patterns in the way they managed their suffering and discussed it in detail

throughout this sub-section. The participants in this study appreciated the

freedom they found when they reassessed the priorities in their lives, only taking

responsibility for what they could do rather than trying too hard to manage the

ultimate outcomes of their lives. Letting go became a personal growth and

development process that was imbedded in their daily practice.

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Theme Six: Living in the Present Moment

Do not pursue the past.

Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now,
the practitioner dwells
in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
- Buddha (Surya, 2003, p. 190)

This section examines the theme of Living in the Present Moment in the

challenges of dealing with grief. It first discusses the role it plays in this process,

then some of the Buddhist theories about the Present Moment, and also the

experiences that the participants of my study had with Living in the Present

Moment.

When we look deeply into reality, we can discover many things that

surmount suffering and counter misperceptions. If we are able to remain

peacefully in the ultimate dimensions, we will not drown in the ocean of

suffering, grief, fear, and despair. The moment of consciousness is also a moment

of awareness or of mindfulness (Nhat Hanh, 2002). We are always looking for

better opportunities, better conditions, and better moments to make us content.

We have expectations of what the future will bring us, and might not be aware of

the conditions for bringing happiness to the reality which already exists. The

purpose of being mindful is to bring us closer to the present moment: the here and

now with our spiritual selves.

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 The context of Living in the Present Moment.

Our mind is very busy and complicated, and it can be difficult to

concentrate on what we are currently doing. This is because we think first before

we act. Our actions are driven by some preconceived idea or history. This

thinking not only gives the process a shadow but also clouds our minds about

other activities. These shadows complicate our minds. If we do things with a

simple and clear mind, these clouds will go away; our actions will be strong and

straightforward. In contrast, if we do things with a complicated mind, our actions

will be complex. Thinking which allows shadows comes out of our relative mind.

The relative mind is the small mind that creates ideas, leaves traces and shadows,

and makes relationships of other things. Once we leave a trace of our thinking on

an activity, we will be attracted to the trace. In order not to leave any traces,

when we perform an activity, we should do it with our whole body and mind, and

be concentrated on what we do (Suzuki, 1970).

Having an attentive mind enables us to see things as they are, beyond

perceptions, concepts, and intellect. The clarity of mindfulness helps us to see

things or take in information based on the core value of “what is” or just as it is,

with the application of a breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment practice

(Surya, 2003).

Ancient Tibetans believed that true wisdom is wisdom over oneself.

Connecting with wisdom comes from winning the battle of the heart. This starts

with learning to accept the hardships and obstructions in our lives so that we can

strip away emotional baggage that we carry. Exercising wisdom requires us to

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look beyond the routine, superficial, and mundane everyday world. This enables

us to respond to life with open arms and an open heart. The practice of having an

open heart can be achieved by not judging people, situations, or events. Simply

accepting people as they are without criticism is a key part of doing this; being

judgmental will color a person with personal prejudice. Being discerning, on the

other hand, will open ourselves to allow knowledge to come to us naturally.

When we are able to feel energy, be discerning, and have an open heart, all things

will reveal themselves to us (Hansard, 2001).

The practice of mindfulness is having a mind that is present and a mind

full of form. The complete experience of being non-dual is presented with

whatever arises in space, form, feeling, perception, formation, or consciousness.

Mindfulness brings us back to the basics, or to the purposes of our existence

(Holecek, 2009). The practice of mindfulness and moment-to-moment awareness

can begin with learning to do one thing at a time. We can then be attentive to

each activity we carry out. This kind of practice can steady our mind and

decrease anxiety. Learning to be mindful of our physical state is to be

compassionate toward it (Ram Dass, 2000).

The experience of living in the present moment.

The analysis of my participants’ life stories discusses how they gained the

insight of self-awareness by living in the present moment. They were able to

reduce their anxieties and lift the baggage of their histories while managing their

expectations of the future. This process led to a clearer vision of how to achieve

their priorities and immediate goals.

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 One participant, Jung, realized that in order to better heal his clients

through acupuncture he needed to cultivate a more positive mindset. He learned

that his stress was rooted in regret from the past and worrying about the future.

He had neglected living in the here and now:

How can I describe this feeling inside me? I feel that the most important
thing is accepting who I am and who you are. Even though I still have a
hard time once and a while because I’m a gay man, I’m so glad that I’m
healthy compared to people with handicaps, and also compared to people
who have grown up without family. Others live without freedom or
enough food and water. I’ve been trying to be satisfied with how much
my life is better than the other people’s lives and their situations. I’ve also
accepted that life isn’t fair. Trying to enjoy my life rather than
complaining a lot, living as best as I can in this moment with the abilities
that I have.

Jasmine changed her habits to include an embodied living in the present

moment as part of her essential practices. Being in the present moment helped

her to have a full experience as an authentic person. She is no longer in a duality

of being a different person at work and at home. She gained this insight through

experiences she had while living in Auroville, India, where she learned to

integrate living, breathing, and spiritual embodiment into her transformation.

Living in the present moment enabled her to better understand the illusion of

herself and also understand her transformation better:

I use it all the time, usually once a week—and it’s a practice called feeling
it. Basically all you do is be present with whatever is happening in your
body. So if there’s tension in your body, if there’s anxiety, whatever it is,
you just allow it. It’s basically called feeling it, and that’s all you do: you
just feel exactly what it is. It’s a very concentrated amount of time, about
five or ten minutes, and then that’s it, but you just allow it. You just allow
whatever it is, whether it’s painful or bad you just do it. And then I have
another practice with my peers called enquiry, and it’s through diamond
heart. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of diamond heart? But the guy
who founded diamond heart is a guy from India and his name is A. H.
Almaas. It’s basically the same exact concept as feeling it except it’s

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 enquiry with another person. And so I also do enquiry with a group on top
of the diamond heart group. So I do enquiry, I do feeling it, I do
journaling, and I do yoga. When I do those things in my week I’m a much
better balanced human being, and I’m not living entirely out of the ego.
And I think that it’s hard, because living in the ego is safer because you’re
in your head and living in your body in authenticity is harder. So it’s
challenging to live those practices because in this world right now we
don’t always want to feel what’s going on. It’s safer to be in a mental
state and not feel all that stuff. (Jasmine)

One participant, Eliza, recalled the advice she was given when she was

grieving her father’s passing. The insight helped her to constantly examine her

thoughts and emotions, whether she felt good or bad about what was happening.

This was how she was consciously aware of living in the present moment. She

also took small steps in evaluating the quality of her life:

I remember her (one of her friends) saying that “every now and then you
have to stop and ask yourself does this feel good? Does this feel right?
And if the answer is no, then you have to change course.” You basically
have to be present, you have to be conscious of how you’re feeling and
whether or not what you’re feeling is good for your or bad for you, and
then you have to change strategy accordingly. You have to get yourself
out of a bad situation, and if it’s good, well, continue doing it. But
sometimes good things, like a good meal, you can’t keep stuffing your
face, you have to know when to stop, too. There will come a point when
you’re just too full and you have to stop eating.

Charles described the liberation he felt by living in the present moment.

He was free of the emotional burdens from past experiences that had haunted him

and became able to enjoy and cherish everyday as it is. He learned to live his life

to the fullest by being truthful to himself:

One thing is that I usually don’t look back and regret things, but there are
still occasionally moments when I do. When those moments come it’s
time to tell myself to just laugh about it. I am who I am today because of
my experiences. I try not to look back too much because life’s too short—
there are always so many possibilities that could happen at any moment.
There are still wounds, but the wounds are healing. I am sure that I am
scarred for life, but I am no longer afraid to close my eyes at night. My
room is no longer dark. It is getting brighter day by day.
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 Another participant, Gordon, who was interested in Buddhist teachings

such as impermanence, mindfulness, and living in the present moment, has been

applying some of these principles to his daily practice:

I have applied the concepts of impermanence, mindfulness and living in

the present moment. I consider grief and depression to be transitory and
that eventually the feelings will diminish and pass. My experience is that I
am gradually moving on and that the experience of grief is falling into the
past. I have also become more aware of living in the present moment
instead of dwelling on the events of the past or worrying about what will
happen in the future. I found an old medallion that belonged to my partner
and it has the serenity prayer inscribed on it. The concept is good to keep
in my mind when I start fixating on something that is not of the present.
Learning that my present state of mind was not going to continue forever
was one of the topics that we worked on considerably. Other exercises to
keep me centered on the present were also part of the therapy and I learned
to avoid dwelling on bygone events or trying to predict the future.

When Linda started to embody living in the present moment as part of an

everyday practice, it caused a gradual change in her outlook with her family life.

During a family outing she discovered that she was happy when appreciating

simple things in life:

At the moment when I saw my son happily running in the water and
playing, it was so simple, and yet it had such immense healing qualities.
This is the simple happiness that we need. We don’t need tons and tons of
money, or all the luxuries of the latest technologies and everything. This
simple moment made me very happy. We have to prioritize this
experience and make it a regular affair for the family. Sea water, because
it’s natural, should also be a healing force. We were told that salt actually
cleanses us. I tried, when I was in the water, to just close my eyes, relax,
and let the water come to me. It’s a very different feeling than I’ve ever
had before. It was good.

Summary.

A significant theme my participants shared in this study was that they

learned to recognize the importance of living in the present moment. In telling

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their life stories they discussed how suffering was rooted in the most painful

memories of their past. They had to learn to let go and then move on. To live a

meaningful life, they needed to be in touch with reality. While they had a positive

outlook for the future, they learned not to neglect the importance of living here

and now.

These participants integrated multiple techniques or activities to embrace

living in the present moment in their daily lives. These activities help to remind

them that living simply can be valuable to every moment of ordinary life. They

began to slow down their pace and treasure the simple happiness of being with

nature, having an increased self-awareness, and feeling their emotions. This

insight helped to advance their personal growth and to treasure relationships with

the people in their lives. They became committed to renewing this experience and

finding meanings in their lives.

Theme Seven: Spirituality

This section examines the theme of Spirituality in the challenges of

dealing with grief. It first discusses the role that it plays in this process, then

some of the theories about Spirituality in coping with suffering, and also the

experiences that the participants of my study had with Spirituality.

Spirituality is not the same as religion; it is a pursuit of our higher-self and

the values of our daily lives. By developing inner awareness we become more

conscious of our connection to people around us and to the universe (Berger,

2009). In Buddhism, there is no external divine being that can save us. Buddhist

practices focus on deepening our awareness of the nature of reality as it is

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experienced in each moment. When we enter a spiritual path, we seek meaning

and a deeper understanding of the fundamental questions in life (Preece, 2006).

From the perspective of spirituality, when we observe our own grief we

gain new insight into pain and suffering. When our attitudes are changed, we gain

insight about ourselves and others, and at the same time create a happier and more

fulfilling life for ourselves. The lessons of grieving are part of personal growth,

and this contributes to a better understanding of our souls. We are involved in

this process that is the next phase of our spiritual development. The learning

process includes changing certain beliefs about our lives, controlling our tempers,

strengthening our self-confidence, and improving self-esteem. The soul makes

the choices to go through experiences and come to the awareness that life is a

continuous process. This is one of the many purposes for our spiritual journey,

and the reason for us being alive right now. Grieving becomes an opportunity for

our soul to grow (Van Praagh, 2000).

It might be possible to find a direct cause and effect between intellectual

thoughts and feelings of grief, but the spiritual aspect of grief is different. There

are two distinct probabilities immediately following a loss: 1) the religious or

spiritual faith may be shattered or shaken, or 2) regardless of the nature of the

loss, our faith is undamaged. Unresolved grief is related to emotional

communications that were not discussed and had built up within the relationship

between the grieving and the deceased over the course of time. Faith and prayer

do not complete this unfinished business. Spirituality, on the other hand, can help

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us to take action with our grief to complete the unfinished business from these

relationships (James & Friedman, 1998).

The context of Spirituality in coping with suffering.

Spiritual evolution is part of every soul’s destiny on earth, and each soul

grows and evolves at a different rate (Van Praagh, 2000, p. 155). Our spiritual

journey begins with a deep awakening to the reality of our life’s challenges. This

process awakens fear and insecurities, from which there are two possibilities: to

face these life challenges and commit ourselves to the path of transformation, or

to embark on a spiritual flight. Spiritual flight is a yearning for purity and

perfection free of contamination from the world. Some people will abandon

emotional relationships, material possessions, work, or even family

responsibilities in pursuit of this goal. By contrast, if we are willing to work

through life problems, grounded spirituality will begin (Preece, 2010).

The voyage on a spiritual path begins when people begin to question why

they are doing what they are doing, what they have devoted themselves to, and

what they value about their lives. A spiritual way of life can become stagnant and

bring about a period of painful self-searching. We might experience a lack of

vision and inspiration and become stuck with the reality of paying bills and

maintaining the demanding routines of our lives. Work becomes our prison when

our lives are overburdened with work and responsibilities; we lose the meaning of

life. This crisis of meaning can create an opportunity for us to have a shift of

emphasis as the necessary missing ingredients are sought. Some people will

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respond to this inner call to seek spiritual nourishment by participating in

meditation retreats, doing yoga, or through therapeutic activities.

Anyone who is interested in finding out about themselves and anyone who

is interested in practicing meditation is a warrior. We generally have a fear of

facing ourselves; experiencing the innermost core of our existence can be an

obstacle to most people. They prefer to believe in something that they hope will

liberate them rather than having to face their own selves. With this strategy of

continuing to look for external intervention such as resources or supernatural

forces to create harmony, however, it is impossible to achieve peace within

themselves. We need to be honest with ourselves, face ourselves, and turn to both

good and undesirable parts of ourselves. Once we begin to realize that there is

something fundamental, wholesome, and healthy within us, we will be able to

acknowledge the goodness that exists in us. We also have to face the wretched

parts of ourselves, too. This is the basic approach of reviewing the worthiness of

our existence by the warrior’s philosophy of looking at ourselves (Holecek,

2009).

One of the most important Buddhist practices is a mental transformation

that can be achieved through meditation. Meditation is an intervention that

familiarizes us with positive aspects of the mind. One of the benefits of this

training is to tame our unruly and disobedient minds. When we create spiritual

values in our mind, we need to make efforts to reduce mental defects, and positive

qualities must be developed and cultivated. The first stage of this process is to

establish which aspects of our mind are positive and which are negative. We can

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then appreciate and continue to cultivate the positive aspects. For the negative

aspects of the mind, we need to understand why and how they arise. Through a

better understanding of them, we can examine our experiences to find out how

destructive and negative these states of mind are so that we can work towards

reducing them (The Dalai Lama XIV, 1997b).

The experience of Spirituality in coping with suffering.

All participants in this study demonstrated that spirituality is critical in

their process of coping with suffering. They learned to incorporate various

techniques into their daily practice to seek meanings of life. These participants

might not all have a strong religious faith or practice formal rituals, yet there is a

common practice amongst them in soul searching. One participant, Eliza,

expressed that cultivating peace is important to her, and that she has learned to

express an appreciation for everything provided to her in her lifetime:

I believe in laughter every day. If there’s anything that I do it’s to find

humour in many things. Another daily practice is to be grateful for
everything that is, and I try to remember to thank the universe for
everything that I have and the people in my life and the positives, for the
support, and for continuing to support that. I try to express that on a daily
basis, usually before I go to bed. I also wish I were better with certain
things. Time sometimes gets away, but I would really like to get back to
daily meditation because I find it to be an extremely peaceful exercise.
The thing that I do seek more than anything is peace. Peace meaning
being just with myself and my thoughts. That is a very important thing for
me, every single day I need to have that. I’m not one to be in a crowded
bar or room, or to seek out the noise and the chatter; I like quiet. I sit there
in silence and read, or just think, or do something like my nails. It’s a
contemplative state when you’re just with yourself and your thoughts.

Gordon stated that he established three priorities in living his life fully.

The most important objective is to seek peace of mind. He has learned not to

“sweat the small things” anymore. To ease this tension from work, he ends each

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day with leisure reading. This creates a therapeutic effect relaxing his mind and

transcending his unhappiness:

I tend to read every day and make sure that I’ve got something to read, and
not something frothy like a magazine but something more serious. I time
it so that it’s probably the last thing I do at the end of the day, and it’s
more or less to bring me down from all of the tension of working and
travelling on the subway and paying bills and that sort of thing that I do.
And in the evening I always make sure that I have something good to read.
I read a book, and I’ve been going through quite a few varied topics, and
I’ve found that what works best is something that’s got nothing to do with
my work or any of the things that bother me, but things that I’m interested
in. It might be a biography. It might be a discussion of a certain type of
art, a historical event. I usually have at least two books on the go. It’s
become a routine for the last hour of the day, at least the last hour of the
day, to just relax and read.

In facing life challenges, Charles strengthened his faith. He became more

appreciative of what he has rather than what has been taken away from him. He

feels that he has a closer connection with God. Every day he is reminded that he

needs to achieve an integration of body, mind, and spirit. One of the profound

lessons he has learned is to be grateful:

I think one of the main things I have learned that helps me deal with the
issues is to listen to my heart. I realized that there are many things that I
don’t understand or have the answer to. . . . The concept of grace in
Christianity is that sometimes you get things that you don’t deserve.
Sometimes you get things that you haven’t earned. Usually grace is given
by God. I realized that it’s not because I’d done anything right to be
where I was, it just happened because it happened, because I’m lucky or
something. And then I realized that my point of view about humanity—
that we get what we deserve, we work hard for what we have—I saw that
it wasn’t like that in Asia. People there get less than they deserve. With
the concept of grace, I felt like it was okay to be gay. I just felt like that
one night. I realized that I didn’t know why I was living like I was, and
that I should like who I am. I decided that when I returned to Canada I
was going to start living my life.

Another participant, Sophia, focused her thoughts on the positive things

which help her to stay out of depression. She stated that she is generally a happy

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person and uses a strong emotional discipline to not allow space for unhappiness.

Getting in touch with nature is her simple daily practice for relaxation and to

cultivate a positive mindset:

This is the way I was able to handle it: I kept my mind busy and didn’t
have time to think about anything negative. I just thought that this would
help me through it, and it did. . . . A lot of people handle these things
differently. Some people like to grieve over it, but I figure that it’s not my
way. I’m looking at it from a positive point of view, and I’m a happy
person when there are big challenges. I didn’t want anything to make me
unhappy. . . . And I would tell anyone who listened that this worked for
me, so try it. Don’t give yourself too much time to grieve. . . . When I
was younger I played sports but when we came to Canada I didn’t have
the time. But we always went out in nature, walked a lot, and went
camping. That was a certain exercise and a way of life that calms you
down and makes you happy. And that’s our passion. We love nature.

Linda has incorporated connecting with her inner self as part of her daily

practices. She also spends time in nature, practices Reiki, and has learned

alternative healing techniques. Taking a moment to appreciate and connect with

nature has become a simple part of her healing experience. She has learned to

take a slower pace in life and to look after herself before she reaches out to take

care of other people:

I buy into the idea that we can heal ourselves. I can share with you now
that I actually have a lump that appears on my right side below the collar
bone, and I’m going to deal with it myself. I want to be able to choose on
my own. So I think that life will go on as normal. To me, after these few
years, this lump is actually a message that maybe there was something that
I didn’t honor along the way, or maybe that it’s time for me to look deeper
into myself. Or maybe there are some things that I need to change? So
this is how I see it. Of course, on and off there are times that I feel scared.
Even though I go for checkups and tests, and with the size of the lump
they want to do an operation, but I don’t think that’s what I want.
. . . You know, dreams are another way that we get connected to
ourselves, and there are messages for us in them, just like there are for
those who like to use Tarot cards and those who do expressive arts. I
think it’s good to be exposed to all of these methods because I’m a curious
person. I started by enrolling in this course because I’m always curious—

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 I wanted to learn. Of course, my teacher is very knowledgeable and she
has read many books, and sometimes when I see her I ask her about
certain things and she recommends some of them. If I go to the library
without any direction there are so many things to read and sometimes I’ll
pick out a book but it’s just not interesting after a while. The books that
she picked out for me were always informative and helpful on my path to
self-discovery.

Alex has maintained daily spiritual practices through prayers and

channeling energy from the universe. He relies on energy from the universe to

give him the strength to get through his troubles, and channels the energy to his

body. He is very aware that he needs the positive energy to produce positive

things. His objective of life is to be more aware of himself:

When I think about it, there is another source of energy that helped me. I
have been studying this theory for several years and I know different kinds
of physical therapy, so I tried to tap in on energy work to help me get
through difficult periods. There was a time when I decided to work with
energy on my own before I did it with others so that I could divert it to my
troubles and my emotional state of mind. I think that really helped me.
One of the avenues that I diverted myself into was the koutin touch. I read
about it and I practiced it. It’s like Reiki techniques, but it’s not Reiki, and
you actually learn it on your own. I read a book and then I did it. It gave
me a sense of accomplishment. It helped people and it made me happy to
do it, and this made me feel more positive. All of my problems went
away. The way things transpired change my whole outlook—as I told you
right from the beginning, just now when talking about what I want to do—
I told you that I want to be a better person, that’s what I’m trying to say: to
have a new beginning in life, a new chapter, because that old chapter has
closed.

Another participant gained insights into spiritual embodiment while

studying in Auroville, India. After Jasmine returned to America, she continued

with the practice and has planned to establish a conscious community to engage

with other like-minded people. One of her daily practices is yoga, which she

recognizes as being important to being grounded and quiet in her thoughts. She

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also uses journaling to clear the chatter, anger, fear, and frustration from her head.

Her third practice is to “feel” her emotions and be present with her body:

I think, if anything, it was a living, breathing, spiritual embodiment

experience for me. It wasn’t spirituality or transformation in a textbook; it
wasn’t spirituality or transformation as a mental construct; it was
transformation as a whole. It felt like, I am transformation. India is
transformation. It did not feel like a separate object to be studied or
looked at. It wasn’t like, “oh, I’m on vacation, let me take pictures of
India.” It felt like it was an embodied journey, like I was that thing. It felt
like I became India for a while. When I came home, I still wanted to be
India. And I guess what it did for me is it, first of all, reminded me that I
need a conscious community. That was my first thing, is that I left and I
said that I want to be a part of a conscious community. And the next piece
was that I need to be a part of something that means more than the daily
grind of making money. So the idea that that whole community is striving
to understand the illusion of self is profound. Fifty thousand people are
existing to just understand the illusion of self and the layers of
transformation. That to me is just unbelievable. So I guess for me, it gave
me a chance to embody something that I know, that I remembered
somehow from my darkest oldest self. It recognized India and knew it and
said this is real, this is what I know. And it made me really realize that I
need to stop the duality process of going to work and then coming home to
spirituality, with work being completely separate and only what I do for a
living. It really reminded me that I need to be this fully authentic person
at work as well as at home. And that I can’t be such a duality; I can’t have
such duality. It’s not my true nature. My true nature wants to live in a
place that is congruent with my spiritual practices. . . . I have a very
concrete practice. It kind of depends of the weather or the mood of my
day, but I have three pieces that I do. I do yoga—that’s my body, mind,
spirit practice, and that one allows my brain to be still. There’s a very
specific reason why yoga works for me: it quiets my thoughts. So if I’m
fighting that nakedness, vulnerability, or fear, yoga is a moment when
there is no talking. . . . I mostly journal at night and do yoga in the
morning—that’s just kind of the way it works. Journaling is used to clear
off all of the chatter. All of the anger, all of the fear, all of the frustration.
I journal until my head is clear, the same way that I do with yoga. I keep
writing until there’s nothing else to say, and when there’s nothing else to
say, usually then my true self—I can hear my essence. I can hear my full
voice. I can hear my deeper self talking. So I usually write and write and
write and write until there’s nothing else to complain about or argue about
or be fearful about and then there’s quiet, and from there I can usually
hear my real self. . . . And then my third practice is—I haven’t done it in a
while, but I use it all the time, usually once a week—and it’s a practice
called feeling it. Basically all you do is be present with whatever is

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 happening in your body. So if there’s tension in your body, if there’s
anxiety, whatever it is, you just allow it. It’s basically called feeling it,
and that’s all you do: you just feel exactly what it is. It’s a very
concentrated amount of time, about five or ten minutes, and then that’s it,
but you just allow it. You just allow whatever it is, whether it’s painful or
bad you just do it. And then I have another practice with my peers called
enquiry, and it’s through diamond heart. I don’t know if you’ve ever
heard of diamond heart? But the guy who founded diamond heart is a guy
from India and his name is A. H. Almaas. It’s basically the same exact
concept as feeling it except it’s enquiry with another person. And so I also
do enquiry with a group on top of the diamond heart group. So I do
enquiry, I do feeling it, I do journaling, and I do yoga. When I do those
things in my week I’m a much better balanced human being, and I’m not
living entirely out of the ego. And I think that it’s hard, because living in
the ego is safer because you’re in your head and living in your body is
authenticity is harder. So it’s challenging to live those practices because
in this world right now we don’t always want to feel what’s going on. It’s
safer to be in a mental state and not feel all that stuff.

Jung gained insight into spirituality through soul searching. He often

reflects about a documentary about a handicapped person who managed his life

without having any hands. Every time he looks at his own hands, he is grateful

that he is fortunate to be able to do things with them. As a healer, his hands are

precious gifts that are skilled and critical to performing his work. This thought

always contributes to a positive mindset. He is also expanding his interest in

dealing with stress; he has found Buddhist books a good source of knowledge on

the matter.

I am really into what Buddhism says about being born into the bitter
human world, this world that we have to tolerate with our deepest mind.
Recently I read a book about the Buddhist mind which also talked about a
Dalai—not the Dalai Lama XIV, another monk—and Buddha. That book
talked about stress or tension, stating that if you’re not sleeping well
because you’re regretting your past, or worrying about the future, that
means that you are not living in the moment. I’ve read a lot of books
about life lessons and other positive messages, but when I read this one I
realized that everybody is the same. Maybe it was because it was in
Korean, which helped me to understand it better. Many of the challenges
sounded like things that were affecting me, and I was thinking “yeah—

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 that is part a good life: living right now. That is really important.” I was
regretting my past and was afraid of my future, and that’s why I was lost
in my present. I knew how important the moment was, but why had I
been worrying about the past and future so much? The future is not
coming yet and the past is already done. It’s wasting time to worry about
the past, wondering why I didn’t do this, or why I did I do something that
way. But I try to be simple. Everybody has pain in their mind and their
heart. So is there anything that I would change if I could go back to my
past? I don’t know, actually. Not really. I’m not happy that I made
mistakes, but I accept it. I am a human being, so it’s okay that I made
mistakes. Don’t blame, and don’t be shy—that is better. I’m living hard,
trying to focus on this moment. . . . One of my dreams since I was young
is to be adventurous and to learn new things. I feel that ensures that I still
have a young heart and mind, and am brave. I don’t want to negotiate my
way through life. I sometimes feel that I have two personalities: one
wants to be comfortable, relaxed, and satisfied in his environment; and the
other always expects more and tries to experience more of what I want.
I’m following my heart and I’m following my dreams.

Summary.

My analysis of the participants’ life stories illustrates how spirituality

plays a significant role in the process of coping with suffering. These participants

have found purpose in their lives and strength through personal growth in their

life journeys. They are self-empowered through their connection with spirituality

and have improved their relationships with others. Spirituality is not only limited

to religious faith but is extended to relationships with the universe.

These participants described their techniques of embodying spirituality in

their daily life through yoga, meditation, journaling, taking a walk into nature,

leisure reading, and prayers. Their life stories revealed that having spirituality can

create fulfillment in their lives. Their lives are no longer a long list of tasks,

financial responsibilities, and meeting someone else’s expectations. They learned

to enjoy the quality of life and put meaning behind everything they do. This

awareness is satisfying and profound. They also learned to nurture themselves

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first before reaching out to look after other people, and no longer neglecting the

growth of body-mind-spirit. Following their own spiritual guidance, whether it

comes from intuition, continued education, connection with God, or some other

form, they developed a deeper understanding of the purpose of their lives.

Finally, they have become inspired to maintain a positive attitude in all situations,

especially when facing and dealing with obstacles. This is reflected in their

courage to meet challenges.

Conclusion

The seven themes discussed in the analysis of my participants’ life stories

are Reaching Acceptance, The importance of a Support Network, Making

Meanings of Suffering, Impermanence, Letting go of the Past, Living in the

Present Moment, and Spirituality. These themes are all interrelated as part of the

process that the participants went through while transforming their suffering into

learning experiences. Acceptance is the first stage in developing an awareness of

the choices they can make to cope with their suffering; in order to make progress

they first have to be better aware of their situations. This understanding

contributes to a willingness to cope with their suffering. Together, in combination

with the other six themes, the participants embodied personal growth while

coping with their suffering.

The main line of inquiry for this study has been: How do actions derived

from Buddhist principles help to alleviate suffering among people facing their

challenges of change? My intent has been to discover the insights and personal

knowledge of the participants in dealing with their suffering, and whether I could

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apply Buddhist principles to the way they addressed their transformative journeys.

My analysis demonstrated that for these participants, although none of them are

Buddhists and they do not have strong understandings of Buddhist beliefs and

principles, their personal journeys have reflected some themes of Buddhist

teachings such as reaching acceptance, impermanence, letting go, and living in the

present moment. This positive discovery has strengthened my belief that

Buddhist principles can be adapted and expanded to ease the suffering of people

from various demographic and religious backgrounds.

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 Chapter Six: Discussion and Conclusion

In this chapter the relationships between conventional grief models and

Buddhist psychology, in relation to suffering, healing, and creating meaning from

personal loss, are further explored. Furthermore, my personal experiences with

the seven themes of coping with suffering and the limitations of the study are

presented. In closing, this chapter discusses recommendations for future research

and the transformative journey I went through while engaging with this research

topic.

Based on the narrative analysis of my research participants’ life stories

(Chapter Four) and report of the findings (Chapter Five), I have constructed

Figure 1: Participants' transformative learning & change experiences in coping

with suffering. It illustrates the components which formed interconnected

relationships with the undesirable outer conditions (the roots of suffering),

suffering (mental and physical distress), and the seven identified themes these

participants applied in coping with their suffering. The “Self” is in the center of

this image to reflect how we are affected by changes and how we overcome their

negative impacts. This illustration signifies the transformative learning journey

each participant of my research experienced to reach their destination—an

enriched life filled with the courage to successfully overcome significant

emotional challenges.

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Figure 1. Participants' transformative learning & change experiences in coping
with suffering

The suffering
of change

Responses and
reactions to
changes
(weaving through The choice (a
stages of grief desire to change)
model: denial, to ease suffering
anger, and to live a
depression, and harmonious life

Self

Undesirable
Outer conditions Transformative
learning &
change
7 themes coping with
suffering:
• Acceptance
• Support network
• Making meanings
of suffering
• Impermanence
• Letting go
• Living in the
present moment
• Spirituality

Note: Author’s image

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Working with Self

Feelings of contentment are shaped and strongly influenced by a tendency

to compare our current situation to our past. When we are better off, we feel

happy. Contrarily, when we are not doing well or when we compare ourselves to

others, we are dissatisfied. Our feelings of satisfaction in life often depend on

whom we compare ourselves to. Constant comparison with our past and others

tend to breed envy, frustration, and unhappiness. Buddhist practices state that our

level of life satisfaction can be easily enhanced simply by embodying loving

kindness to shift one’s perspective and contemplate how things could have been

worse. The Dalai Lama XIV and Cutler (1998) explained,

Although it is possible to achieve happiness, happiness is not a simple

thing. There are many levels. In Buddhism, for instance, there is a
reference to the four factors of fulfillment or happiness: wealth, world
satisfaction, spirituality, and enlightenment. These four factors, taken
together, embrace the totality of an individual’s quest for happiness. (p.
24)

The Dalai Lama XIV (The Dalai Lama XIV & Cutler, 1998) has also said

that there are certain key elements that can contribute to joy and happiness. Good

friendship is one example. In order to have a fulfilled social life, we need to have

a circle of friends whom we can rely on to relate to our emotions. Other factors

include good health and wealth; we can make good use of them to help others in

positive ways. In return, we can generate a happier life for ourselves and for

others. Without having this mental attitude and detailed attention to it, all

tangible and intangible things, including possessions, will have very little impact

on long-term happiness. Even when we have physical comfort, without a calm

and peaceful mind, we will still be unhappy and dissatisfied. The continuous

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cultivation of a peaceful state of mind, focused on achieving inner contentment, is

critical to how our perceptions and thoughts affect us.

Undesirable Outer Conditions

In Chapter Four, titled “Life Stories,” core narratives of the eight

participants in my research were presented. The root causes of their suffering

were a result of losses of people and/or things (both tangible and intangible) that

they valued highly. These losses were not limited to physical possessions but also

included ideas, desires, expectations, social status, relationships, appearances,

wealth, personal accomplishments, health, and personal routines. These

experiences are illustrated in Table 1: Participants' experiences of suffering

related to Kübler-Ross's (1969) Grief Model in the previous chapter. The key to

Buddhist psychology is the analytical practice which leads to a better process of

conditioning.

All mental states or stages depend upon conditions; once the conditions

change, the mental state or stage also changes. According to Buddhist literature,

an unsatisfactory existence (dukkha) can influence our states of mind. If we cling

to delusional memories of this existence, based on a perception of how things

should be or how we want them to be, we will be trapped in an endless cycle of

suffering. The more conditioned our minds are, the more neurotic we will be and

therefore the more we will suffer (Brazier, 1995).

Since everything is dependent on conditions, nothing can exist

independently on its own. When conditions change, all interconnected

dependencies change as well. Attachments to conditions intensify the degree of

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dissatisfaction, which leads to suffering. The aim of Buddhist practice which tries

to relieve suffering is to go beyond conditioning; to let go of all bad or negative

states of mind, manifesting in a blissful liberated state of mind (nirvana). In this

state, we are freed from the chains of conditioning that have attachments, which

ultimately cause unhappiness, dissatisfaction, grievance, sorrow, and craving.

Suffering arises because our minds react to uncontrollable and unfavorable

experiences. In the next section I will provide an overview on how the eight

participants of my study responded to the undesirable outer conditions which

contributed to severe suffering in their life journeys.

Reacting and Responding to Suffering

The participants in this study disclosed various causes and the resulting

stresses from their suffering, as documented in Chapter Four, “Life Stories.”

Their suffering was mainly due to physical and mental reactions to unforeseeable

changes of their environments. This changed the circumstances in which they had

felt comfortable and familiar, which lead them to be exposed to uncertainty. As

they lacked a better understanding of how to cope with these sudden changes,

they naturally reacted with aversion, indulgence, blame, or hopelessness.

According to Kübler-Ross’s (1969) Grief Model, these emotional reactions are

classified as denial, anger, depression, and bargaining; the first four stages of the

five-stage grief model. These defense mechanisms compounded and prolonged

the participants’ suffering, accelerating their “powerless” emotions while slowing

the discovery of new opportunities to reach the full potential in their lives.

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Adversely, each reactive stage to suffering created unnecessary pain or grief in

their lives.

Denial and anger were the two most common emotional stages

experienced by the participants when they were confronted by the realities of

undesirable conditions, as illustrated in Table 1: Participants' experiences of

suffering related to Kübler-Ross's (1969) Grief Model. The duration of staying in

each emotional stage varied by participant and was partially determined by the

significance of each event. One participant (Charles) was angry, depressed, in

denial, and attempting to bargain for seventeen years. Ultimately, each of these

participants recognized that they had a choice to live a better life. They all

eventually got to the final stage of the grief model, reaching acceptance, which

was the turning point from suffering to managing their life challenges with hope.

The Suffering of Change

Our lives constantly change. When favorable and positive changes make

us joyful, motivated, and energized, we feel things are under control and going

smoothly. Negative changes make us feel deflated, depressed, distressed, and

defeated. We do not understand why things have changed for the worse despite

our hard efforts. Sometimes unfavorable things happen because of mistakes in

judgment resulting in unforeseeable negative changes. The Buddhist teachings

state that suffering and loss are as much a part of living as breathing itself. No

matter where we are or what we are doing, we are surrounded by loss and

suffering. There is no escape from it: this is a universal reality. When we become

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depressed as a result of loss or a change in circumstances, it is referred to as the

“suffering of change” (Surya, 2003).

Change often perpetuates more change. Suffering, therefore, can become

compounded. This often occurred when the participants of my study were

trapped in negative emotions and attitudes, resulting in an endless and vicious

cycle of expectation, fear, grasping, and disappointment (Surya, 2003). In

discussion with the participants, they all indicated that their daily routines and

priorities were disrupted by suffering. It also caused them to re-examine their

belief systems and values. Furthermore, their sense of self-worth and security

diminished, sometimes gradually and sometimes rapidly. These profound

changes were due to a combination of naturally occurring events, such as a

change of health conditions or the death of a significant person in their lives, and

by imposed external forces like a large financial loss, a career crisis, or a major

car accident.

The Choice to Ease Suffering

At the peak of my participants’ suffering, they all went through a process

of self-inquiry. Together, with the assistance and guidance of their support

networks, they adopted a healing practice to acknowledge their emotional

difficulties which is described as being “open to your pain” (Surya, 2003). This is

a compassionate approach to attentively listening and open-heartedly exploring

the roots of suffering. Through this process they were able to discover what they

were clinging to, resisting, and denying, and eventually realized that their pain

was a landmark of their life-journey. They all demonstrated the ability to cut the

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cord between pain and suffering, to the extent that they could find relief from

suffering.

Pain, grief, and suffering can be great teachers to lead us to discover

weaknesses, re-examine priorities in life, and identify hidden potentials. The

journey towards awakening begins with the recognition that our wounds lie at the

heart of our sense of self, and that this requires liberation. The sense of self can

be caught up in the roots of anxiety and suffering. After the participants reflected

on the elements of their lives which caused serious emotional challenges, they

were able to see reality from different perspectives and choose how they wanted

to respond. When they were exposed to undesirable circumstances, they tended to

forget the flexibility in their minds to choose how to respond and react. They

often allowed their moods to be controlled or taken over by the experience,

leading them to behave in certain habitual manners. If they had taken the time to

reflect about how they normally react to emotional pain, they could better

determine the quality of lives they want to live (Ram Dass, 2000).

After coming to the awareness not to cling to disastrous events in life, the

participants realized that they had choices. If they wanted their life experiences to

be different, they had to do something different to break the vicious cycles of

emotional stages filled with denial, anger, depression, and bargaining. They

consciously decided to change the way they viewed their life challenges. These

new journeys began with the knowledge of the root causes of their suffering, and

they were able to reach places of wholeness and liberation.

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 I resonate with the symbol of the spiral in Figure 1 which describes the

upcoming growth and evolution of the participants. These changes were based on

the choices they made to confront their suffering. The spiral symbol is one of the

oldest scared symbols used in spiritual practices. According to Gardner & Bleu

(2006), the spiral reflects the universal pattern of growth and evolution which can

be found in the natural world on plants, minerals, energy patterns, and in the

weather. The upward spiral symbolizes an evolving journey in life and our

conscious acceptance of the changes of life as it evolves. Learning to accept

change leads to one of the greatest feelings of liberty that can be experienced. At

the center of the spiral, our consciousness is in the present moment where the

power of creation is condensed. The upward spiral provides further opportunities

for inward and outward evolution, and for a balanced and centered state of mind.

It carries the power to flow and change.

The analysis of my participants’ experiences in Chapter Four showed that

it is possible to end the vicious cycle of suffering by removing its cause: the

attachment to an illusion of permanence. This allowed them to stabilize their

minds and achieve tranquility. In the next sections, I will discuss how the

participants embraced the strategies and applications from a grief model based on

Buddhist psychology that is used to cope with suffering.

Applying a Grief Model Based on Buddhist Psychology That is Used to Cope

With Suffering

Our formal and informal educations are geared towards helping us to

become successful in whatever we choose to do with our talents. As a result, we

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are generally under-prepared for failure, trauma, sickness, and disappointment.

When crises emerge unexpectedly, most of us go into a state of shock and panic.

We do not know what to do or how to respond and typically feel like we are

incapable of coping. This leads us to a state of grieving. Some crises can prove to

be valuable because they force us to change, move on, and let go. Our everyday

lives are filled with attachments to accomplishments, people, or things. We have

the delusion that these attachments are long lasting and permanent. When

something is taken away from us, we are exposed to the vulnerability of loss and

the various stages of grief.

In Buddhism, compassion is the wish that others should be free of

suffering. Compassion is expressed at two levels: at the lower level, it is simply a

wish—just wishing for others to be free of suffering; at the higher level, emotions

go beyond a mere wish to adding dimensions of wanting to do something to help

cease the suffering of others. Buddhist literature identifies three hierarchal stages

of understanding compassion. At the initial and the lower stage, compassion is

simply expressing a wish to see other sentient beings freed from suffering. This

wish is not reinforced by any particular insight into the nature of suffering. At the

second and middle stage, compassion is more than a mere wish to see others

being free from suffering. It is strengthened by an insight of impermanence; the

object of compassion does not exist permanently. At the third and higher stage,

compassion is described as “non-objectifying compassion”. It is the most

powerful level of compassion which enables us not just to direct our feelings

towards suffering being but to engage with all others without objectifying them or

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clinging to the idea that they have any absolute existence (The Dalai Lama XIV,

2000).

Compassion is the wish that others should be free of suffering, which

requires the ability to feel connected to other beings. The closer we feel towards a

particular person or animal, the greater we strengthen our capacity to empathize

with that being. This sense of closeness to others can be cultivated and developed

over time. In Buddhism, this sense of intimacy is called loving-kindness. The

closer we feel towards another being, the more the suffering of that being is

unbearable to us.

The suffering that the participants in this study experienced varied from

person to person depending on the severity of the events and their mental

readiness to address the challenges. Lindemann (1944) stated that most people

needed only four to six weeks of time and eight to ten sessions with a psychiatrist

to get over a loss. Although the participants of my research did not all provide

detailed descriptions of the stages of their grieving processes, I remained very

doubtful of Lindemann’s statement. Those who did discuss their emotional

journeys expressed experiences covering a wide range, including shock and

disbelief, anger, frustration, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. They

expressed that these emotional experiences did not travel as a linear process and

did not adhere to any timelines. These expressions of emotions are well described

by Kübler-Ross’s (1969) “five-stage grief cycle” which consists of denial, anger,

bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

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 In the four phases of grief discussed by McCabe (1997), after a period of

disappointment the grievers come to an awakening about the reality of the loss.

At the final stage, the grievers establish their new lives and adapt to the “moving-

on” and “life-as-usual” attitudes as part of a phase called “re-organization.” This

final stage can be defined as the transformation period for the grievers. The

participants involved in my research accepted their suffering as a reality of life

and adopted new strategies in coping with their losses. This is manifested as a

reorganization of life.

When life is disrupted by loss, a choice is presented to either proceed or

withhold from it. The less we allow our feelings to be expressed, the deeper the

loss is inside; we feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. When we connect

with our feelings and learn from them, we have a chance to move beyond pain.

The grieving process presents opportunities for self-discovery that await us

beyond suffering.

Western psychotherapy offers a variety of notions about the roots of

suffering. In many ways, it also complements Buddhist principles. Buddhist

psychology provides an analysis which indicates that all mental states depend

upon conditions. Once the conditions change, the mental states will change

simultaneously. The more our minds deny these changes of conditions, which is a

conditioned delusion, the more neurotic we will be and therefore the more we will

suffer. From a Buddhist perspective, to liberate the mind we need to let go of the

conditioned states. By applying Buddhist psychology in therapy we can help

people in distress to let go of all bad states of mind which result from attachment.

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 In Buddhist psychology, the primary cause of suffering originates in the

mind with a collective accumulation of clinging and grasping. This disposition

originates in the mind, responds to the environment in an obsessive way, and

subtly manifests itself on a physical level that leads to physical pain and

emotional reactions. Our life may become fearful as we struggle to protect

ourselves from the attachments that we believe to be reality. The more we try to

control, the more we fill our mind with stress, tension, and a fear of change. The

environment might contribute to the conditions of this distress as well but the

primary cause originates in the mind. Our deep rooted insecurities about any

changes can present a source of anxiety.

Naturally, we want to avoid suffering. We have come to believe that we

should get over negative feelings as quickly as possible; similarly, we have

developed emotional habits that push down any feelings that are contrary to

society’s point of view. Much of the time we cannot express, we do not how to

express, we are not allowed to express, or we are afraid to appear vulnerable to

others by showing our feelings. I am convinced that these suppressed feelings

eventually emerge violently. We need to respect our feelings otherwise we will

not understand others. We must work to fully experience the complex feelings of

grief if we want to get better. Grieving is actually beneficial—it helps us to let

go, move on, and adapt to changes. The more flexible we become in our thinking

and being, the more we open ourselves to self-awareness and growth.

Through the discussions with the participants of my study, I recognized

that when they were confronted with a major loss or transition in life, their

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suffering was mainly related to an inability to deal with loss. As Van Praagh

(2000) discussed, when we do not have proper closure with our past, there will be

lingering feelings that have an effect on our present and future life. As part of the

healing process, individuals must become self-empowered to take charge of their

own life and destiny. They must go back and pick up where they left things

hanging to put a proper closure to them.

Engaging with spirituality has taught me something profound: that we are

here to accept ourselves and the world around us with love and compassion. We

need to learn to be content with what we have been given. If we are able to

achieve this we can feel better about ourselves and enjoy what we have. The

experience of self-acceptance has another purpose: for our spiritual growth to

advance.

Participants’ Strategies to Cope With Suffering and Their Implications

My integration of Western psychology with Buddhist psychology was

broadened by the interviews with the eight participants in this study. They each

taught me valuable lessons and provided insights into coping with suffering. I

firmly believe the seven themes presented in my study can offer new ideas and

suggestions into how we can improve the coaching techniques of helping others to

cope with suffering.

In Chapter Five I discussed the emotional stages that the participants

experienced until they reached acceptance. Their first reaction to loss was “I

can’t believe this is happening to me.” They were in shock and hoped it was a

bad dream that would go away. When the shock wore off and the bad dream did

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not go away, they began resisting change. Their resistance was expressed as

anger, resentment, frustration, becoming withdrawn, depression, blaming

themselves, blaming others, and bargaining with supernatural powers.

Eventually, when their resistance wore down, they were able to fully

acknowledge the change that they needed to confront. Depending on the severity

of their attachments, the process of grieving, mourning, and letting go varied in

duration; some people experienced prolonged sadness and mental pain. Some

participants took more than a year to cope with their loss. Others were not yet

able to fully let go and accepted their significant loss. Reacting to unwanted

suffering with aversion, indulgence, blame, or hopelessness only compounds and

prolongs our pain. Not only do these reactions compound our current difficulties,

they also leave us without resources to face extraordinary multi-layered sufferings

(Longaker, 1997).

Analysis of my perspectives, and those of other Buddhist theorists, are

provided in further detail below. Their journeys to ease suffering were

summarized in the seven themes discussed in Chapter Five, “Report of the

Findings.” As previously stated, these themes are: Reaching Acceptance, The

Importance of a Support Network, Making Meanings of Suffering, Impermanence,

Letting Go of the Past, Living in the Present Moment, and Spirituality.

Reaching Acceptance, the first theme, discussed that the participants

allowed themselves sufficient time at their own pace to understand the cause of

their suffering while they traveled through the various stages of their emotional

journeys. They gained insights by carefully analyzing the circumstances that

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contributed to their losses. The length of the journey to reaching acceptance

varied from situation to situation. However, once they reached the stage of

acceptance, they all gained a better understanding of their suffering and at the

same time gained a better understanding of their vulnerability in handling these

situations. They took responsibility for what they had done to contribute to their

suffering, and also dismissed what they were not accountable for. These insights

helped them to confront the reality that we are all subjected to events and

environments we didn’t create and that are beyond our control.

Furthermore, they learned how they could make changes in dealing with

their fears. The important final step of acceptance opens a framework of

understanding that enables us to accept the whole of life, as a gateway for

transformative learning. Life itself is a mixture full of joys, sorrows,

accomplishments, disappointments, gains, and losses. Changes can be presented

as timely opportunities to break the vicious cycles of suffering and to enrich life

experiences.

The Importance of a Support Network, the second theme, relates to the

significant impact and influence of support networks for my participants during

the periods when they were facing their losses. One of the most poignant and

unexpected experiences they had while going through their suffering was an

inability to connect with others who understood their feelings and circumstances.

They felt that they were unable to communicate their feelings so that they could

receive advice from others. At the time in their lives when they were most

vulnerable and distressed, they needed more comforting, reassurance, affection,

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understanding, and love. Unfortunately, they often received the opposite—

rejection. There are many reasons for this. Patterns of how we are raised by our

families are usually repeated through adult life; the roots of communication issues

that teach some to be superficial or polite can be established there. In some

families, emotions such as anger, grief, or fear may be judged, shamed, or entirely

suppressed.

Another communication issue can arise when familiar perspectives of a

relationship fall into entrenched positions against each other. They might relate to

others in their inner circle in a judgmental or defensive way, and if this happens it

is difficult to change the habit (Longaker, 1997). All of these situations prevent

emotionally authentic and open communication. The potential for unsatisfactory

or blocked communication is intensified by the experiences of suffering.

This second theme, The Importance of a Support Network, examined the

experiences that participants Alex, Linda, Jung, and Charles had with severe

communication issues since they were young. They all struggled through periods

of sufferings until they were able to find the right support to offer them advice to

cope with their situations. The supporter’s role is significant in providing

empathy, positive vision, commitment, and sound advice to the participants in

assisting them to reduce their sufferings. They must possess good listening skills,

a compassionate attitude, and strong friendship. At times, their support networks

also provide spiritual guidance to alleviate emotional pains.

Participants in this study defined their support networks as family

members, close friends, teachers, therapists, and leaders of inner or spiritual

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guidance. Through formal or informal counseling sessions and interventions, the

participants strengthened their ties with their supporters based on mutual trust and

respect. Their supporters all demonstrated openness and compassionate natures to

assist the participants in adapting to their changes, and helped to guide them with

their issues and challenges.

The participants made meanings of their suffering by finding new

directions in their lives. As their lives progressed, the search for meaning became

increasingly important for these participants. The framework for Western

psychotherapy, based on a scientific model of physical, biological, and clinical

studies, has limitations in its interpretation of life meanings (Deikman, 1983).

One of the greatest concerns for Western psychotherapists is the absence of a

theoretical framework to provide meaning for their patients and therapists alike.

Our search for an understanding of this fundamental issue is restricted by the

reliance on empirical findings, creating an inherent conflict between the scientific

view and the researchers’ intuitions. With questions such as: “Who am I?, “What

am I?”, “Who is the real me?”, and “What do I want?”, Western psychotherapy is

handicapped in providing meanings, purposes, and directions in life. The

therapists who are at the center of their detached experiences cannot make

objective observations of their own observing selves. The observing self has been

ignored by the current theories of Western psychology which are based on

objects: “we think in objects, and talk in terms of objects” (Deikman, 1983, p. 6).

Therefore, lacking the understanding of the elusive central self, Western

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psychology has been unable to address the essential question “Who am I?” when

their clients are in search of meanings while suffering.

This conflict between Buddhist and Western approaches to healing

suffering causes formidable obstacles. Western psychology operates with the

premise that psychological suffering is pathological and a problem that can be

cured (Shakya, 2009). There is an assumption that universal happiness can be

achieved through psychological means. Another core Western belief is that if

something cannot be based on observation, measurement, or experimentation,

then it should not be considered a part of modern science or therapy (Salotti,

2006).

In contrast, Buddhism’s approach to life is based on the individual’s

personal actions and verifiable experiences. There is no pathology; suffering

cannot be cured but must be accepted and seen as what it is. From the Buddhist

perspective, there is no escape from suffering. Instead, we transcend it. It is

based on the notions that: “we own it, we know it, we embrace it, and we accept

it.” A more effective way of dealing with suffering is by accommodating and

transcending our problems just as we do with our thoughts, feelings, and

experiences. Denial, escapism, and control mechanisms do not help to resolve the

root problems but are in fact the real cause of ongoing misery, according to

cognitive-behaviorists (Shakya, 2009).

Making Meanings of Suffering, the third theme, addressed how the

participants were able to seek new meanings after they acknowledged or accepted

their sufferings. They developed a new identity based on the changes that

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affected their lives. They also valued the opportunities for their voyages of

discovery. Buddhist psychology believes that when you change your thoughts,

you also change your worldviews. My participants demonstrated to me that they

were not holding on to their old beliefs or habits in this transition. They were able

to remove the mental blocks that prohibited them from adapting to new ways of

living and new approaches to life. They also reinvested in the world with new

hope and purpose. In helping others to cope with suffering, it is necessary to help

them understand that changes are necessary. Only through continuous

improvements can we experience growth. By helping distressed individuals

establish new goals and inspirations, it accelerates the recovery process so they

can proceed to living meaningful lives.

The ways that my participants learned to be conscious of impermanence

when they were coping with suffering was discussed in detail in Chapter Five.

This recognition of impermanence brought an insight that helped them to not only

be aware of the changes of their physical bodies, but also of all material life.

They gradually developed detachment towards their physical bodies, appearances,

mindsets, and anything that they used to cling to which caused them suffering.

This significant shift in perception also resulted in a new attitude towards all

change in the material environment: the participants grasped the nature of

impermanence. They learned to understand that their existence was built on an

illusion that everything would remain the same, in their best shapes and

conditions, and that they had fought against the overwhelming evidence that

everything was impermanent. This is related to the Buddhist theories of Shunryu.

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Suzuki (1970) who stated that when we are trying to attain something, our minds

start to wander somewhere else; when we do not try to attain anything, we will

have our own body and mind right here (p. 26).

Once my participants realized they could not control everything, and that

they should not expect things to be in the right place or to happen in the right way,

they learned that there is nothing they could hold in the permanent form. Before

becoming aware of this they tried to change the world around them rather than

trying to change themselves; they tried to hold things in the same place, which

was beyond their control. More evidently, it is impossible to organize things if

we are not in order ourselves. When we have our body and mind in order,

everything will exist in the right place and in the right way. In Buddhism,

everything that we see is changing and constantly losing its balance. This is how

everything exists according to the law of impermanence. If we perceive the world

without realizing the nature of impermanence, the appearance of suffering will be

much more prominent. However, if we understand the nature of impermanence,

we can realize that suffering itself is deeply integrated into our lives.

Impermanence, the fourth theme, expressed how the participants no longer

fought with their ideal notions of the way things “should be.” After realizing the

nature of impermanence, they began to see and observe things as they are rather

than holding onto the idea that things would never change. They learned that the

world would not remain in a perfect or near perfect state where they were content.

If they had continued to expect only favorable experiences and reject unpleasant

and negative experiences, then they would not have a true understanding of their

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minds. In fact, our minds capture everything. Many sensations, thoughts, and

images arise from waves of our mind.

Suzuki (1970) wrote that nothing really comes from outside of our mind.

Our mind becomes reactive and volatile to the phenomenon. Therefore, nothing

outside ourselves can cause us any trouble. If we make our mind as it is, it will

become calm. This mind is called “a big mind” (p. 35). The purpose of a big

mind is to amplify itself through various experiences. Every experience presents

a new and fresh opportunity; nothing is perceived as a repeated or continuous

experience with a big mind. With a big mind, we accept each of our experiences

as they occur and we are able to enjoy all aspects of life. Without accepting the

fact that everything changes we cannot understand the truth of transiency, causing

an extension of our suffering. By trying to escape from this truth, not only are our

efforts in vain but we perpetuate a protected view of the world that is delusional.

The participants all practiced some form of self-reflection. This process

helped them to gain clarity and wisdom of the root causes of their suffering

resulting from attachments, and also to the passive desires that they learned to

eliminate. They also learned to cope with their suffering by reviewing their losses

realistically and putting aside all their illusions about what could have been or

should have been done to avoid the situations. Instead, they began to

acknowledge their feelings. When they realized that they would lose things that

they care about, they gained a deeper understanding about what is important.

They also acknowledged that the added hardship of their suffering was

caused by an inability to let go. Suffering arises because our minds react to our

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experiences in ways that are often uncontrollable. We cannot always change the

world, but we can change our internal response to what is happening. As we

grow up we gradually learn to let go of a desire for an immediate gratification of

our needs. In Buddhist psychology, the primary cause of suffering originates in

the mind from a habit of clinging and grasping. While this may originate in the

mind, it manifests subtly on a physical level. This disposition, in turn, responds to

the environment in a tight, obsessive way that leads to an endless cycle of pain

and reaction (Preece, 2006). In the course of letting go, the participants have

validated their thought process with questions like:

• Do I cling to the memories for what they represent?

• If I discard the memories, will I lose touch with the frame of reference

for myself?

• Will I throw out an important part of the identity of who I am? Who

will I be then? (Surya, 2003, p. 93)

We are all connected to people, places, things traditions, beliefs, habits,

and ideas. To some degree, we tend to define ourselves by these connections.

When we hang on to these things, we become reluctant to change and move on

with our lives. Buddhism regularly reminds us that all of these things—people,

objects, ideas, accomplishments, habits, addictions, memories, and even

opinions—represent our attachments. These attachments connect us to life in this

world.

Buddhist cosmology talks about three different realms of existence: desire,

form, and formlessness. The realm that we all inhabit is known as the Realm of

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Desire. In this Realm of Desire, we are motivated by urges and reactions based

mainly on what we like and dislike. We become attached to people and things we

find desirable or attractive. We try to draw the object of our desire closer, and we

want it to be part of our personal experience. When we are driven and motivated

by our habitual likes and dislikes, we further root ourselves with negative karmic

conditions of greed and hatred.

By Letting Go of the Past, the fifth theme, the participants demonstrated

an understanding of letting go of memories or passive desires that contributed to

their suffering. They allowed themselves to release these tensions and stopped

trying to control things that were out of their hands. This, in turn, reduced self-

imposed mental burdens. By embracing change more willingly and accepting the

conditions of their lives as they unfolded, they learned to acknowledge that they

had not lost everything. They certainly had not lost the identities that they

associated with what they used to cling to. At the same time they discovered that

if they allowed themselves to let go of the past, they could see a whole new world

of opportunities and possibilities. These opportunities were no longer obstructed

by strong attachment to memories.

The related section in Chapter Five discussed how living in the present

moment helped my participants to re-focus on their priorities in life, be mindful of

their physical and emotional states, and be compassionate with themselves

through coping with their suffering. This corresponded with a major shift in their

perspectives of the inner and outer world. As they realized that their worldly

possessions would inevitably fade away, they began to place more emphasis on

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connections with their hearts. They came to recognize and honor relationships

with family, friends, and their communities with stronger engagements. Free of

the pressure to hold on and try to control outcomes in their lives, they focused

their attention on remaining mindful of each precious passing day rather than the

entangled voices of their egos. By embracing a conjunction of the past in the

present, our minds are able to enter into an awareness that past experiences can

float up and pass away without clinging or judgment.

To put it another way, we bring present consciousness to reflect on past

events, and bring the past into the present moment. This approach allows us to

release the past which holds on to us and our minds shift away from old

attachments. We will then be able to look at the past through the eyes of the

present to re-experience memories and feelings (Ram Dass, 2000). At the same

time, when we learn to come into the present moment we free ourselves from the

past and from the future as well. We will no longer be trapped in anticipation of

the future.

Living in the Present Moment, the sixth theme, showed how my

participants gained the insight of self-awareness by living in the present moment

through re-assessing their life goals and priorities. They began embracing

changes to their lifestyles, which included changing habits, placing higher

priorities on the present, liberating their emotional baggage, and managing

expectations. Adopting the mindset of living in the present moment enabled the

participants to fully enjoy all opportunities that have been presented to them, to

re-evaluate the quality of their lives, to make the best out of situations, and to re-

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assess what are the most essential elements in their lives. They realized that

simplicity can bring the utmost joy, and to be more attentive to each activity that

they attend to. A change in how they value relationships lead to spending more

quality time with their significant ones. They also become more mindful with

their surroundings, better appreciating the beauty of nature.

Spirituality has an important role in coping with suffering. My

participants dug to a deeper level to uncover some of the more subtle layers of the

causes of their suffering. Through a better understanding of themselves, they

came to acknowledge two opposites: where they belong and where they hide. The

place of belonging is where they feel most comfortable and accepted. It is a

source of strength and frequently a guiding post to their life’s calling. The place

of hiding is where they feel most alienated and where they wear a false mask to

cover their true selves.

The mask is usually a tool that has been adopted to hide intense suffering.

It offers a temporary relief to lessen the larger suffering of humanity (Straub,

2000). Each of us has wounds that came from unbearable losses and sufferings.

These wounds remind us to embrace suffering since suffering is unavoidable.

Most people do not understand this truth. As a result, the more they resist

suffering the more they suffer. There is so much suffering in our world, and we

cannot open our hearts to all of it to the exclusion of our own pain. Our spiritual

challenge then is to balance the need of our own hearts with the yearning to

engage the hearts of all living things in the universe. When we have found

meanings in our suffering, we not only address the healing of our personal

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wounds but also a healing of the world at the same time. As this happens we can

share this wisdom with others. Furthermore, if we are able to pick up the broken

pieces from our suffering and make something new and authentic from this

experience, we will all become stronger and more whole.

Spirituality, the seventh theme, was an important step that my research

participants learned to incorporate, through various techniques, into their daily

practice. I helped them to seek meanings of life to enhance personal growth: the

common element in their practices was a process of soul searching. They

integrated body, mind, and spirit in the modalities they chose to develop their

inner awareness of connecting with the people around them and to the universe.

The participants identified external resources to create harmony,

tranquility, and strengthen their positive energy. These resources helped them to

gain a deeper understanding of the purposes of life and to deal with obstacles with

courage. By closing their eyes, quieting their minds, and gently following their

breath until they begin to relax, they connected with a yearning to move to a place

where caring flows naturally and freely to fulfill longings. They were also able to

cultivate a quiet mind and open heart through solitude and silence, reconnecting

with their spirits. This spiritual practice is a sacred space where you can extract

yourself from everyday activity and see things clearly. They became more aware

and grounded in their spirituality. Participants can ask the following questions

daily to affirm the importance of practicing spirituality:

• How do I find my spiritual center?

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 • How do I most easily quiet myself, becoming empty and able to hear

the voice from my heart?

• Do I find an integration of mind, body, and spirit through prayer or

reading spiritual texts, interventions or inspired to use a combination

of both?

• Do I need a teacher, class, or support group to guide me?

• How do I feel today after I have performed spiritual practice?

Once we have established a spiritual practice, it becomes natural for us to

extend ourselves and open up to suffering; to feel it, connect with it, and let it

flow through us. We will be capable of seeing the true nature of suffering and

responding to it mindfully. We move through our defenses to quieting our minds

and opening our hearts. We are reminded by our suffering that we are all the

same. We learn to be more compassionate to others and ourselves. In summary,

Suffering is everywhere.

We all suffer.

Pain will always be part of life.

In our suffering we are all the same.

Some of our deepest personal healing takes place through our relationship

with the natural world where crises and disasters can occur every day

unexpectedly, irrationally, violently, and can leave us vulnerable. There are rare

moments when suffering transforms us and we feel the strange beauty of it all.

When this happens we accept life just as it is and at the same time pain is

alleviated. We learn to live between the opposites of compassionate acceptance

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and full engagement. This spiritual awakening connects both personal and

societal suffering; their practices will enable the participants to face their

emotions, connecting with self, society, and the earth. The healing energy helps

them to move beyond suffering and face their challenges with presence, courage,

and commitment.

These challenges represent lessons of personal growth and understanding

created by a soul for itself. By overcoming these challenges, we evolve to the

next phase in our spiritual development. There is a reason and purpose for the

lessons learned in spiritual journeys. Spiritual transformation and renewal are

forms of healing, rectification, and rebalancing. Such renewal restores us to

wholeness and to peace through new beginnings. Sometimes all we need to do to

make a fresh start is to begin seriously questioning ourselves: our assumptions

and beliefs and what we are doing. When we do this, it can help us view the

world in such a different way that we are sometimes able to make dramatic

changes.

Spirituality leads us to the inner discipline of calming our minds. If we

have a calmness of mind, no matter what external or outer conditions we are

facing, we will still be able to maintain inner contentment. The Dalai Lama XIV

(The Dalai Lama XIV & Cutler, 1998) stated, “How can we achieve inner

contentment? A reliable method is not to have what we want but rather to want

and appreciate what we have.” (p. 29). In seeking inner contentment, we need to

learn how to work with our minds differently. We have to learn how our minds

are reacting to negative emotions and behaviors. In Buddhism, cultivating

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calmness of mind through mindfulness practices allows us to deal effectively with

suffering and hardship. This capacity to shift perspective and to seek meanings

help us cope with daily problems.

In the next section I discuss the perspectives of Buddhist practice and

Western psychology in mental transformation and their contributions to coping

with suffering.

Integration of Both Buddhist Practices and Western Psychology in Mental

Transformation

The most important Buddhist practice is mental transformation. One of

the most practiced and well accepted Buddhist modalities of mental

transformation is the practice of meditation. Meditation is a means of re-

familiarizing ourselves with the positive aspects of our minds. Another

transformative practice is mindfulness, which is a practice to tame our unruly and

disobedient minds.

Our suffering arises because our mind reacts to experiences in ways that

are often uncontrollable (Preece, 2006). We are not able to change or control the

outcomes of undesirable outer conditions; we can, however, change our internal

response to what happens. As we gain more exposure in life we gradually learn to

let go of a desire for the immediate gratification of our needs. Our suffering may

then become less raw and immediate, but the more refined our mind becomes, the

more subtle our suffering becomes. If I do not get what I desire, I may feel

disappointed, dissatisfied, frustrated, or anxious. These sensations may be brief

or I may ignore them, but they still reside in my mind.

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 In Buddhist psychology, the primary cause of suffering originates from a

basic disposition of clinging and grasping. While it may originate in the mind, it

manifests subtly and gradually at a physical level. This, in turn, contributes to an

environment that is obsessive, leading to an endless cycle of reaction to pain.

Without realizing it, we lock and fix our reality in a way that does not allow a

natural ebb and flow. Our life becomes fearful as we struggle to protect ourselves

from what we believe to be “reality.” The more we contract, the more we fill our

world with stress and tension, and the more we feel insecure and fear change.

There is less and less room to move, less time, less freedom, and less real personal

space.

The environment may contribute to the outer conditions to this distress,

but the primary cause originates in the mind. In our contracted state, we lose the

perspective of the innate space that is present in reality. If we could open to it,

our reality is in fact spacious, fluid, and essentially free. Because of deep-rooted

insecurity, however, spaciousness is intolerable to our fragile hold on self-

identity. It becomes a source of profound anxiety.

While there is a kind of simplicity in the Buddhist view of the root cause

of suffering, Western psychology offers us a variety of notions of the roots of

suffering that in many ways compliment this Buddhist principle, but they are

more complex (Preece, 2006). The most familiar psychotherapeutic view is that

much of our suffering originates with emotional wounding, particularly in

childhood. Western psychology has explored in depth the development processes

of the individual and is generally oriented towards the idea that our emerging self

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grows from conception and encounters with various environmental factors that

gradually shape and distort its growth. This emphasizes the view that the

combination of stresses in the environment and our innate disposition together

make us grow and can also leave us wounded psychologically.

What Buddhism and Western psychology have in common is the idea that

the wounding we experience arises through an interaction between inner

propensities and outer conditions (Preece, 2006). Although Western psychology

tends not to look for a specific root cause of suffering, a generalized principle

could be to see the root of suffering as our relative capacity or incapacity to

respond in a healthy way to the trials of life. Our ability to adapt to and maintain

relative health in distressing or traumatizing circumstances is a remarkable

capacity within our nature. The degree to which we experience suffering is

relative to our capacity to respond to life’s demands in a healthy way. The

responses we make as we grow in both healthy and unhealthy ways is a part of

what shapes our personalities and identities.

Often, we adopt ways of coping with trauma that, while appropriate at the

time, later in life become a source of habitual patterns of reaction that limit and

frustrate us. Both Buddhist and Western psychology assert that we must begin to

take responsibility for our responses to our experiences rather than endlessly

blame something or someone. Buddhist psychology emphasizes the cultivation of

an awareness that recognizes our responses to each moment of experience as it

unfolds. Western psychology, on the other hand, emphasizes the nature of

emotional patterning and wounding that shape our responses. While Buddhism

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pays little attention to the historical evolution of individual pathology, its

approach to healing relies on direct insight into the nature of experience as it

arises. Western psychology pays great attention to the wounding of our sense of

self. There is much psychotherapy can learn from the Buddhist emphasis on

cultivating awareness of the immediacy of the present experience, just as

Buddhist psychology can benefit from a more detailed and personal understanding

of the psychological development of the ego and its wounding.

The application of Buddhism in psychotherapy can be beneficial to the

therapists’ own development and self-care. Buddhism embraces a practical

psychotherapeutic attitude: “how to deploy psychotherapeutic attention both intra-

psychically within the self and as well as inter-personally” (Bullard, 2010, p. 2).

Being a psychotherapist, David Bullard believes that no specific training of this

theory is being used at present. However, it is being embraced in Buddhist

practices. The daily practice of mindfulness enables therapists to be more aware

of how thoughts and feelings manifest and dissolve. Using this technique before

and after seeing a client can help to keep the therapist focused on being aware of

the client’s issues while diminishing the distraction of irrelevant feelings of

counter-transference (Sears, 2011). Sears recommends a “three-minute breathing

space” exercise for therapists as an effective strategy to maintain attention,

presence, and to bring awareness to the mind and body.

The fact that things change from moment to moment opens up the

possibility for positive development. If situations did not change, they would

forever retain an aspect of suffering. If you are passing through a difficult period,

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once you realize things are always changing you can find comfort in knowing that

the situation will not remain that way forever (The Dalai Lama XIV, 2006). The

road to happiness involves freeing ourselves from attachments to things which

will inevitably let us down. Everything changes. In this universe nothing is ever

lost, but everything changes. Loss is really transformation (Brazier, 1995).

Grief therapy can occur at a global level and a specific level. The global

level has to do with appreciating the insight which loss thrust upon us: re-

examination of how we set ourselves up to suffer by failing to appreciate our

situation in a deep enough way. The specific level is concerned with how we

succeed or fail at healing particular wounds, and with the vicissitudes which the

process of grief may take. Western psychology has, for the most part, concerned

itself with the latter, eastern psychology with the former. The two levels cannot,

however, be readily separated since the way we respond to a particular loss will

be substantially determined by our outlook on life as a whole, and our wisdom in

regard to life will be formed according to the depth with which we experience

particular losses.

Sufferings can make or break us. Grief is our collision with reality

(Brazier, 1995). A physical landscape has a history. A person has a history, too,

and a varied personal landscape produced by exposure to adventitious

circumstances. This scenery of our life can be viewed in different frames of

mind. This approach helps us to see through the surfaces by noticing each feature

of the landscape for its special character and allowing each feature to work its

own particular purpose to reach its greatest potential.

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 The key to Buddhist psychology is the analysis of conditioning. All

ordinary mental states depend upon conditions. If conditions change, then the

mental state also changes. To identify with conditioned existence is suffering

(dukkha) since within it nothing can be relied upon. Conditioning can take many

forms. From a Buddhist perspective, to end suffering is to liberate the mind by

enabling it to let go of the conditioned states. The liberated state of mind is called

nirvana. The conditioned state of mind is called samsara. The Buddha’s

teaching (dharma) points out the way to liberation, the ultimate goal. Within

samsara, however, conditioning is a matter of degree. Delusion can be built upon

delusion. Since everything is dependent on conditions, nothing exists

independently from its own side. When conditions change, whatever is dependent

upon them also changes. The aim of Buddhist practices is to go beyond

conditioning: to let go of all bad states of mind and thus manifest nirvana. To

reach nirvana implies freedom from attachment to all conditions (Brazier, 1995).

We create unnecessary hardship when we struggle to achieve stillness and

wrestle to eliminate movement. Movement is just the play of the mind. The

problematic causes of suffering result from unrecognized movement. To progress

along the path to obtain harmony, we must re-enter the frantic world and find

stillness in movement. We will need to abolish the notion that to be spiritual is to

be still and realize that spirituality is embodied with both stillness and movement.

To limit spirituality to only stillness would merely generate more unrealistic

expectations of conditioning.

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 It is clear how important it is to develop a framework of understanding

that enables us to accept the whole of life with all of its joys, sorrows,

accomplishments, and disappointments. The Buddhist teachings reveal that

suffering is universal, and an inevitable and natural part of being alive; it shows

how to use this knowledge wisely so that the deepest experience of pain or grief

can reveal the essential “next steps” along our spiritual path (Longaker, 1997).

In the next section, I discuss the current developments in integrating

Buddhist psychology with Western approaches of psychotherapy.

Integrating Buddhist Psychology With Western Psychotherapy – The Latest

Developments

Buddhism and Western psychotherapy share common goals to liberate

people from suffering and achieve inner peace. Both support the awakening of

love, compassion, and wisdom and work towards revealing what blocks these

elements. Western psychology has contributed significantly to the understanding

of biological and social aspects of human behavior. Buddhism provides an

understanding of human spirit and the nature of the mind. Buddhism identifies

the causes of human sufferings and offers cures to bring happiness and lasting

contentment with embracing love, understanding, tolerance, and compassion (Lee,

1997).

There is an evolution in modern psychotherapy to begin understanding,

addressing, and incorporating the theories of Buddhism into their therapeutic

practices. It is a radical shift in many schools of thought in Western psychology

which embrace modalities such as mindfulness into their approach.

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 Mindfulness helps to “cast off worry and anxiety” (Kapleau, 1989/1997, p.

32), and to engage the practitioner to maintain inner peace in their daily activities

with heightened alertness and a sense of tranquility. Being mindful enables us to

be present with whatever circumstances come along without controlling, fixing, or

manipulating them. If we are not present, we are either focused on wanting more

of what is favorable or avoiding what is unfavorable. This kind of behavior

gradually creates a pattern of never being satisfied with what we have. It also

leads to dissatisfaction with the way things really are, leading us to fall further

into the trap of chasing after eternal happiness (Gaba, 2007).

The applications of mindfulness in clinical work have received recognition

and there is growing empirical acceptance, especially in the areas of prevention

and treatment of stress, anxiety, and depression. By applying mindfulness and

acceptance techniques in psychotherapy, clients are encouraged to make changes

to the behaviors which have kept them from experiencing a more fulfilled life.

The results are profound: these clients learn to accept themselves while being

mindful in the present moment, and can also see reality without denial. They also

attain new skills in letting go of disturbing thoughts (Gaba, 2007; Wortz, 1981).

Gilbert (2005) states that true integration between Buddhism and

psychotherapy is needed to transform the mind rather than mere cognitive

restructuring of a situation. Buddhism is a form of spiritual practice, philosophy,

lifestyle, and religion; it can be exercised by different people with highly different

motivations. Buddhism is generally referred to as a philosophy of life. It is not in

conflict with other religions or philosophical systems because it can be

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supplemental to existing backgrounds. This is why it is sometimes called a

religion in Western terminology while psychotherapy is defined as a cure.

A Buddhist’s conception of the general principles of life is possible

because anyone who does not require professional psychotherapy training can

easily apply Buddhist perspectives in their daily life. Psychotherapy works to

find new approaches that solve a problem or cause change in a positive sense.

The Buddhist approach is unintentional and perspective-less in the sense that it

aims at the experience. Buddhism emphasizes self-cultivation, self-development,

and self-improvement. Essentially, anyone can be his or her own therapist by

following Buddhist principles.

Buddhist psychotherapy is a new system that emerged in the 1970s as a

result of the dialogue between Western psychologists and Buddhist Tibetan

teachers in exile. It is a collaboration of Western and Buddhist psychology.

Buddhist psychotherapy embraces the Western psychological constructs for

developing a healthy integrated self, while remaining unattached to the concept of

the self as a permanent construct (Sherwood, 2005).

Buddhist psychology emphasizes the impermanence of all phenomena,

perceives all mental states as fluid, and counterbalances Western psychologies to

the attachment of categorized mental states. Despite the diverse views between

Western and Buddhist psychologies, Buddhist psychotherapy acknowledges the

notion that all experience is part of a continuous flow of consciousness, and that

mental suffering is caused by the attachment to this experience as permanent.

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This knowledge enables adherents to understand and accept that all things are

impermanent, and to gain insight into the roots of their suffering.

The core objective of Buddhist psychotherapy is the cultivation of a

consciousness in which all living beings can make skillful decisions, practice

positive mental states, cultivate an awareness of the impact on other sentient

beings, and remain focused on the present moment. During Buddhist

psychotherapy counseling, practitioners use compassion to transform physical and

mental states of suffering and to facilitate the development of interconnectedness

for their clients. Through the application of breathing techniques which help to

produce altered mental states, restoration of the client’s insight for skillful

decision making is accomplished.

Buddhist psychotherapy provides cutting edge methods for palliative care,

grief and loss counseling, pain management, anxiety, and stress management

(Sherwood, 2005). The true integration of Buddhism and psychotherapy requires

a two-pronged approach: dealing with specific problems, and addressing

existential and spiritual issues (Gilbert, 2005). This integration requires therapists

to play an important role in enabling their clients to experience the transformation

of the mind rather than merely restructuring a situation cognitively or correcting

behavior disorders.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Mindfulness-Based

Relapse Preventions (MBRP), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT),

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment

Therapy (ACT) have incorporated mindfulness into their treatments (Sears, 2011;

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Shakya, 2009). The mechanism of mindfulness is correlated with the

“decentering” process. In mindfulness, the individual accepts the truth of the

present situation while feeling the physical sensations and emotional reactions

associated with the situation without suppression or judgment. The individual

will then observe the thoughts that emerge. This mechanism is frequently used in

individual and group therapy.

In traditional Cognitive Behavior Therapy, recognizing negative thoughts

and challenging them can lead to a more positive approach, relieving emotional

stress. The mindfulness approach involves more than the cognitive processes of

perceiving sensation, feelings, and thoughts. It also engages a deeper or higher

level of consciousness, which is not a practice of cognitive psychology (Levine,

2000). Instead of battling with thoughts, mindfulness practice recognizes that

these thoughts are only passing through one’s mind: “whatever is happening right

now, just feel it.” Therefore, there is no need to grasp thoughts and fight with

them. The theorist Sears (2011) stated that the concept of mindfulness and its

effective interventions are supported by a growing research base. Simple

mindfulness practices can also be applied in therapist self-care to reduce stress.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) was created by Jon Kabat-

Zinn (2011) in 1979 as an eight-week program with a daylong intensive to

support people with stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain related to

medical conditions. The program emphasizes mindfulness practices, helping

patients develop the ability to see their pain more objectively and learn to relate to

it differently so that they suffer less (Baum, 2010).

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 The MBSR program is a training to cultivate awareness of the patients’

habitual reactions to their depression and to break through this cycle and create

more choice in life. Recently, MBSR has been adapted for helping people with

HIV at Mount Sinai hospital in Toronto, Canada (Hosein, 2011). It is evident that

MBSR therapy has beneficial effects on emotional health, developing a more

helpful relationship to unwanted thoughts and emotions.

Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP), developed by Dr. Alan

Marlatt, is an eight week group-based treatment for patients suffering from

addiction in substance abuse and other addictive behaviors. It also works to

prevent relapses (Garrigan, 2010; Thompson, 2010). MBRP treatments combine

meditation, yoga, and chi gong (chi gong or “qigong” is a Chinese meditative

practice involving rhythmic breathing coordinated with slow repetition of body

movements to cultivate energy balance) with cognitive-behavioral strategies.

Participants learn to observe what is happening in their mind and body and to

notice the triggers for addictive behaviors. This training has promising evidence

and is well supported by the UK Mental Health Foundations (Garrigan, 2010).

Other evidence of its effectiveness includes decreased physical and psychological

symptoms, increased ability to cope with stressful situations, improved pain levels

or coping with chronic pain, and healthier lifestyles for the patients who complete

the eight-week program (Bowen, Chawla, Collins, Witkiewitz, Hsu, Grow,

Clifasefi, et al., 2009).

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was developed by Zindel

Segal, Mark Williams, and John Teasdale in 2002 (Lau, 2010). MBCT was based

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on John Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program.

MBCT is designed to help people who suffer from repeated depression and

chronic unhappiness by embracing modern cognitive behavior therapy with the

ancient practice of mindfulness meditation. The meditative practice of

mindfulness enables patients to effectively change their negative thoughts in order

to change their behaviors (Grohol, 2008; Lau, 2010; White, 2011; Wood, 2009).

Research studies show MBCT to be as cost effective as prescription drugs

in helping patients with a history of depressions stay well in the long term

(University of Exeter, 2008). MBCT patients can practice the skills they have

learned from therapists at home by themselves. This makes MBCT less costly

than having a large number of individual treatments.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was originally developed by

Marsha Linehan to treat individuals with borderline personality disorder

(Shoreland, 2011). This therapy has expanded to help sexual abuse survivors,

people with eating disorder, individuals suffering from mood disorders, self-

injury, chemical dependencies, and other ailments. DBT incorporates cognitive-

behavioral techniques for emotion management with concepts derived from

Buddhism such as tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness. Radical

acceptance is a skill taught by DBT therapists which focuses on rejecting illusions

and accepting situations as they are without judgment.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was developed by Steven C.

Hayes, Kirk Strosahl, and Kelly Wilson. ACT is a form of mindfulness based

therapy with an emphasis on addressing human concerns about anxiety and fear in

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a mindful and compassionate way while encouraging people to maximize their

potential for rich and meaningful lives (Eifert & Forsyth, 2005). It helps

participants accept themselves and others with compassion, choosing directions

based on value systems and committing to actions that follow those decisions.

ACT has many parallels to Buddhism and yet is not considered a religion. There

are three core steps or themes to the philosophy of ACT which are related to its

acronym: Accept thoughts and feelings, Choose directions, and Take action.

Another aspect of ACT is learning how to eliminate painful thoughts,

feelings and actions with cognitively diffusive psychology (Serani, 2011). This

involves realizing what thoughts and feelings really are instead of what we think

they are. It helps participants to detach from negative thoughts, worries, and

memories. Instead of getting caught up and struggling to get rid of negative

thoughts, participants learn to step back and observe their thinking so that they

can respond more effectively. The observing self plays an important role in

paying attention to thoughts and feelings at any moment.

ACT does not view thoughts as correct or incorrect, but rather as tools to

be used in obtaining a more valued life (Ruiz, 2010). The more the participants

practice mindfulness skills, the more they will have the ability to be present,

become more aware of this part of their mind, and be able to access it when they

need it. This will enable mindfulness practitioners to invest their energy in taking

actions guided by their deepest values, changing their lives for the better.

Yoshimoto Ishin, a Japanese businessman, and Judo Shinshu, a devoted

Buddhist, developed Naikan Therapy. It focuses on healing relationships using

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the philosophical roots of Buddhist spiritual practices (France, 2000). Over the

years, it gained popularity in prison facilities in Japan; about 60 percent of

Japanese prisons provide Naikan Therapy during short prison sentences and

during probationary periods (France, 2000, p.1).

Naikan Therapy consists of two phases: immersion and counseling. The

immersion portion involves daily meditation training for about two hours.

Therapists visit their clients to provide instructions on meditation and engage

them in a dialogue that focuses on any recurring life themes which have blocked

constructive living such as dishonesty, negativity, or blaming. About 20 percent

of the meditation is spent on the people who have contributed to the patients’

suffering and what it has meant to them (France, 2000, p.2). Another 60 percent

is spent on the troubles or inconveniences that clients have caused others (France,

2000, p.2). The dialogue between therapists and clients provides the means for

the clients to discuss their personal problems.

After mastering the skill of meditation, the second phase of the therapy

begins and a discussion starts about significant positive and negative relationships

in the clients’ lives. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of their

relationships, the therapist help the clients to explore the positive parts, such as

what they learned from people in their lives and how these experiences changed

them for the better. Therapists then help clients to acknowledge things that

occurred in their lives that they cannot change. This helps them to let go of their

anger and hopelessness about regaining what they had before. Naikan Therapy

helps clients to raise their consciousness and become more aware of the important

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goals in living constructively, and also to develop strategies to improve

relationships with others in an open and giving manner.

All of the modalities that have been discussed in this section share one

theme in common: helping the patients to accept and acknowledge their

circumstances, and then help to guide them through mental transformations that

can make positive changes in their lives. It is evident that these modalities have

achieved remarkable results in reducing stress and suffering through mental

transformation.

There are many limitations to the modalities that have been discussed.

One such limitation is that each of these modalities has maintained a very specific

scope, focusing solely on particular psychological or emotional circumstances.

There is a lack of a cross-section of healing approaches analyzed to address the

multiple types of suffering at the macro level. For example, Mindfulness-Based

Stress Reduction (MBSR) deals with stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain

related to medical conditions; Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP)

deals with addiction in substance abuse and other addictive behaviors;

Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) deals with repeated depression

and chronic unhappiness; Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) deals with eating

disorder, mood disorders, self-injury, chemical dependencies, and other ailments;

and Naikan Therapy deals with relationship healing.

A second limitation is that all of these modalities follow a structured

approach with limited numbers of sessions or duration. For example, both MBSR

and MBRP are structured as an eight-week program. Success and

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accomplishments of any of these therapies are measured against the programs’

goals and milestones which are defined by a linear timeline, or stages and phases

of the programs. Other complex and complicated types of suffering caused by

terminal illness, stigma of sexual orientation, bankruptcy, or any kind of

discrimination might not be resolved within a limited number of sessions.

A third limitation is that psychotherapies, and especially Asian

psychotherapies, might not be widely available other than in the developed

countries. People with limited financial resources are unlikely to have access to

psychotherapy. The word “therapy” can be misunderstood and have negative

connotations, and unfortunately it intimidates some people from seeking help as

they are afraid of being labeled as people with mental illnesses or psychiatric

problems.

A final limitation to mention is that practitioners of psychotherapy are

licensed professionals. This licensing requirement causes restrictions for

practicing outside of registered regions which can further limit access for those

who need help but are unable to find suitable resources close to home.

On a more optimistic note, the seven themes identified in this research do

not require licensed professionals to provide advice and leadership to people in

need. The application of these seven themes can be self-cultivated, self-

developed, and used for self-improvement, as Buddhism emphasizes. As adult

learners, anyone can follow Buddhist principles and incorporate their life

experiences into their learning journey. Inspired by Buddhist perspectives, these

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seven themes provide a wider spectrum of approaches and modalities to help

people from diverse backgrounds to face multiple types of suffering.

Adult learners prefer to seek new information that is relevant to their

needs and driven towards goal-oriented projects. Conveniently, a personalized,

tailored plan that is self-directed for development can be instilled, applying all or

some of these seven themes that are not confined by the timelines of a more

structured program. This would provide a wide array of people with learning

opportunities to develop personal growth through their personal experiences in

suffering, rather than following programs based on clinical experiences. There

would be no direct financial cost associated with the application of these seven

modalities, which benefit individuals with financial constraints. Most

importantly, people in any part of the world can benefit by developing their own

personalized development plan to embrace these seven themes, unlike the

structured psychotherapies which strictly require partnership and supervision of a

licensed professional.

Researcher’s Relationship to the Themes

When I was conducting research for the thematic analysis, I felt each of

the seven themes call out and speak to me. I also felt strong empathy towards

each of the eight participants of my study; their stories all reflected facets of my

life experiences. All of these seven themes have a place in my heart, and over the

years they became more meaningful to my personal growth and development. I

have been integrated into the theories of this project as they have contributed to

and transformed my identity. I firmly believe that this study has shaped my

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personal values through my connection with all eight participants and their

worlds.

Bentz & Shapiro (1998) stated that the whole conception of mindful

inquiry is based on the idea that our research should be intimately linked with an

awareness of ourselves and our world. This intellectual awareness and reflection

of our world is woven into our research. Furthermore, good research should

contribute to the researcher’s own development as a mindful person. This

development, as an aware and reflective individual, should in turn be embodied in

the research (p. 5).

My yearning for Acceptance dated back to my early childhood. I have had

an evolving perspective of the word “acceptance” throughout the course of my

life. When I was young it meant “being accepted by others” and was particularly

compulsive in my Asian society due to socio-cultural norms and restrictions. I

actively sought acceptance from people around me and wanted to meet their

expectations while fitting into their world. In this restrictive environment, I felt I

had to consider whether everything I did would be considered “appropriate”—to

make sure my behavior conformed to political correctness. In order to feel safe

and secure, I continued to act and behave according to both spoken and unspoken

norms of that environment. I did not want to have any unwanted attention from

adults. In fact, I wanted to be virtually unnoticed.

During my adolescent years living in Canada, I was very eager to fit into

Western culture. By denying my Asian heritage, I felt I could dive into the

mainstream Anglo-Saxon culture more quickly. I did not realize I had gradually

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placed more layers of protective masks over myself causing me to disguise my

true nature. Deep down, I was confused about my cultural identity. I kept

wondering “Who am I?” “Do I want to be an Asian with a mind full of Western

beliefs and values?” The more confused I became, the more I felt an urge to seek

meaning in my life, and, most importantly, to find out what my purpose could be.

More than 20 years later, I have redefined the word “acceptance.” I have

learned to accept myself for who I actually am. This self-acceptance came from a

process of self-discovery that I undertook when I had the opportunity to study for

Myers-Brigg Type Indicator® (MBTI) accreditation. I wanted to become an

accredited tester and instructor of communication skills at work, which require

MBTI assessment as a prerequisite. I was fascinated with all the different

personality types, and the possibility of working with people of all personality

types had strong appeal. I was also eager to find out more about myself through

the personality type assessment. I had to go through a painful process to answer

each question accurately by getting past my habit of answering based on how I

wanted myself to be rather than who I naturally was. Eventually, I learned to

accept the assessment results which reflected my personality type. There is no

such thing as a “better” or “worse” personality types, as I was reminded by the

instructor.

The discovery of my natural personality type was profound. It became the

first step in my journey for self-improvement and soul-searching. I instantly felt a

sense of liberation, and no longer lived under the constraints of other people’s

expectations. Now that this burden has been lifted, I have continued to feel a

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strong sense of self-worth for the past 20 years without it. Once I accepted

myself, I gradually began to accept others who were different than me without

imposing my own standards and judgments on them. I feel comfortable to be a

living bridge between Asian and Western cultures. I have positioned myself as a

global citizen who embraces multiculturalism. Accepting the unique qualities

each of us brings to society helps to promote a harmonized and colorful living.

While healing my suffering, I reviewed my relationships with others and

looked for aspects that are valuable in each of them. Having a Support Network

enabled me to closely examine how I interacted with people, to heal old

relationships which caused suffering, and to improve relationships with others

who are presently in my life. I believe the foundation of a support network is

empathy. I have a stronger awareness of building affinity with people through

understanding, unconditional love, and compassion. I continue to identify

resources from experienced individuals who are willing to offer advice when I am

confused and distressed.

Some of these precious resources come from my volunteer activities with

HIV awareness organizations and hospices. To my surprise, those patients

suffering from their own distress have taught me valuable lessons about how to

cope with suffering. They taught me to expand my perspectives when viewing

the world. As a result of working with them, I have expanded my worldview to

better witness my own suffering in comparison to many people who live in a more

miserable environment with bigger issues in their lives. In cultivating compassion

and forgiveness through volunteering activities at the hospice, I practiced a loving

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kindness meditation called Tonglen which I learned from a Tibetan Buddhist

monk during a retreat.

Tonglen is based on a visualization of “giving and receiving.” When I

receive, I take on another person’s suffering and pain with strong compassion.

When I give, I use a tender heart filled with all my love, happiness, well-being,

and peace. This meditation helps to lessen my selfish ego and gradually reinforce

a development of a limitless, fearless, and unbiased compassion towards all

creation. The more I practice Tonglen, the more I feel liberated from my own

difficult situations. The process helps me to heal my past and current suffering,

reduce burnout, and transform my relationships with others. Everything we do

has self-centered motivations. This meditation reduces conditionings and

barriers, and shifts our attention towards all beings everywhere. The essence of

Tonglen is to cultivate a compassionate wish; this is called Bodhicatta in Sanskrit.

Bodhicatta translates into English as “the heart of our enlightened mind.”

At its core is a compassionate wish to free all beings from their suffering and to

bring happiness and peace to them. When I start the meditation, I gaze toward my

own suffering and any negative feeling that comes immediately to my mind—

fear, anger, physical illness or discomfort, or of being misunderstood. I become

mindful of the suffering that I have been carrying and that has been troubling me.

I then accept the suffering with deep warmth, tenderness, a sense of unconditional

love, and friendship. When I inhale, I visualize a dark cloud of suffering entering

me. It slowly disintegrates the fear in my heart and reveals a radiance of

compassion like a shining sun. When I exhale, I freely release my unconditional

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love, peace, and wisdom in the form of light. I continue this giving and receiving

for 20 breaths.

I practice this Tonglen technique with the patients I visit while

volunteering. With the same approach of receiving and giving, I focus deeply on

the suffering that all beings experience. I allow their suffering to open my heart

and awaken my compassion. I open myself to accept their suffering and allow

myself to connect with their difficulties. I breathe in others’ suffering as the dark

cloud. When I breathe out I send love, confidence, kindness, positive energy, and

warmth in the form of brilliant light. This practice of receiving and giving is

repeated for twenty breaths. At the end of the meditation, I visualize how my

compassion has completely dissolved the suffering of others and filled them with

well-being, happiness, love, and peace.

During each Tonglen practice, I dedicate the healing power to the people I

visualized throughout the meditation and transform the merit of compassionate

benefits to all other beings with unconditional love. When I feel that my support

network has received empowerment through the Tonglen meditation practice, the

feeling is profound. I was very eager to share my Tonglen learning experience

with fellow volunteers and encouraged them to try it. They were excited and

began to include this meditation practice into their volunteering activities, too.

The importance of a support network to me is that they can share in the process of

expressing empathy with distressed individuals, helping them find hope and

inspiration to resolve their problems. I believe it is a two-way path—the practice

also helps me. I continue to expand my support network by seeking advice from

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Buddhist leaders and individuals who embrace strong spiritual practices in their

daily lives. In return, I dedicate my love and best wishes to them to meet their

personal challenges and difficulties.

While in the midst of resolving my troubles, my mind went through an

active process to Seek Meanings in Life. Similar to the participants of this

research, I looked inwards to form new worldviews to enable a better

understanding of myself and re-evaluate my priorities in life. This experience

was a transformative learning process that allowed me to gain new perspectives

on relevant events that contributed to my suffering. Berger (2009) argued that

these new perspectives are not only grounded by the complexity of our lives but

also by the social philosophies, values, and theologies around us. This learning

experience is understood as the process of using a prior interpretation to construct

a new or revised meaning of one’s experience in order to guide future actions

(Mezirow, 2000).

Once at the stage of accepting, acknowledging my losses, and suffering, I

allowed an open mind to investigate myself for new experiences and

opportunities. I also opened myself to embrace the possibility of entirely new

behaviors, values, and interests which, in turn, might have created a new identity.

According to Berger (2009), there are five fundamental questions related to loss

that participants have encountered:

1. What have I learned about myself and the world around me?

2. What is truly important to me?

3. How can I create a life that is fulfilling, rewarding, and impactful?

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 4. What is the purpose of my life?

5. Who do I want to be as a result of my experiences with loss? (pp. 19-

20)

I have considered these five questions while re-evaluating my purpose in life and

analyzing how to make meanings of suffering. As part of an ongoing process, I

receive new insights each time I go through the self-questioning process and

receive new solutions from each inquiry. These new insights create invaluable

opportunities to refine my personal goals and directions in life.

The questioning techniques also open new doors in the process of life

refinement. The more I accept change, the more I have been willing to fully

experience the world. Without periodically questioning myself, I will not realize

that there are indeed many opportunities and solutions which I have not

previously considered while staying within my comfort zone. By accepting the

changes and taking responsibility to cope with them, I am empowered to be in full

control of pursuing original goals and new ones. The most valuable message

from this process has been to reaffirm my self-worth. I have reminded myself not

to allow negative emotions and distress to overtake my purposes in life. I need to

continue to fully explore my hidden potentials, and to apply my talents as

effectively as possible.

I have been on a very long journey to realize that most of my suffering is

related to an illusion of permanence. I have held on strongly to the memories of

good times with certain important people in my life. One of the significant

transitions in my life happened when I was a teenager who came to study in

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Canada. My first school year occupied a special place in my heart; it was my

initial exposure to a Western experience. I was admitted to study in a boys’

boarding school, Regina Mundi College, in London, Ontario. School life was

enjoyable; my days were filled with both academic and social activities. I made

new friends easily with classmates and teachers. Most importantly, this boarding

school was my nesting ground to immerse in the English speaking world through

everyday Canadian customs.

At the end of the school year, my parents decided I should move to

Toronto to continue my high school education. The separation from my ideal

school environment was devastating. This experience reminded me of an

identical situation from 12 years earlier when I had to depart from the first school

I attended in Hong Kong, The Pui Ying School; it was closed one year after I

began attending it and had settled comfortably into the academic environment.

The familiar scene of having to leave a school and the people I was close to came

back to me. I cannot understate the impact these two separations had on me and

the grief they caused. While there was 13 years between the incidents, in both

cases I had a feeling of disorientation which took some time to recover from. I

constantly felt insecure and disturbed every time I had to be removed from an

environment where I was comfortably settled.

Later in my life, I continued to seek my own comfort zone to ground

myself. It has taken me a very long time, through studying Buddhist literature

and sutras, to understand that Impermanence is an unavoidable fact of life. I

learned to look at the positive aspects of impermanence which create hopes,

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opportunities, new knowledge, and allows us to improve, correct, and change

undesirable situations. This realization of the nature of impermanence helps me

to treasure every moment I am with people, and to try to make the best of every

opportunity. This understanding has confirmed my belief that life is precious. I

have become more active in pursuing learning experiences which can enrich my

life. In facing undesirable situations, I now recognize them as a fact of life and as

opportunities for me to continue to learn how to deal with adversity.

From understanding impermanence, I have come to learn a new concept

called Letting Go. Letting go is not forgetting. There have been many important

events in my life that were painful that I can never forget. Do I want to continue

to hold a tight grip on these memories so that I can torture myself year after year?

I did not realize that was exactly what I was doing for many years while I allowed

painful memories to be imprinted in my mind. Once in a while they would bubble

up to the surface and the pain would strike me again. Each time painful memories

stirred up my emotions, it took several days to calm myself.

There were also moments when my strong ego would affect my actions. I

felt strongly about how things should be and how much I wanted to control the

outcomes. I was very disappointed when some events did not turn out how I

wanted them to. I got frustrated with my imperfections. The notion of perfection

was creating a barrier, causing an inability to let go. My attachments to success,

personal possessions, beliefs, and memories were the unnecessary baggage I

carried during my journey. These attachments slowed down my pace towards

personal growth. Once I removed the mental baggage, the burden of self-imposed

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perfection faded away. The result of this is that my mind feels less cluttered. I

feel the pace of my life journey can be accelerated; nothing is going to slow me

down. Letting go takes courage: to remove what I used to believe is essential and

precious. After I left my baggage behind, I freed up more space in my mind to

take on new ideas and gain new knowledge.

One significant regret in my life which came back to haunt me from time

to time was that I was not able to follow through on a promise to take a vacation

with my parents in Europe. I had told my mother a long time ago I would pay for

her second European vacation once I saved enough money. She had a fond

memory of her first visit to Europe in the mid-70s and expressed an interest to

tour there again with my father.

When I had the opportunity to work in Europe, I suggested to my parents

that they come visit and spend some time exploring. They were both retired and

had the flexibility to travel. We spent a lot of time on the phone discussing and

planning the vacation. With the expectation that I would be in Europe for at least

two years under the terms of my foreign assignment, my parents did not see the

urgency of booking their holiday. I allowed time to lapse, thinking that that I

could spend more time creating and improving the itinerary with more interesting

activities and sightseeing. Unexpectedly, my assignment in Germany was

shortened; I had been reassigned to a new position in Asia. My parents did not

get to visit me during my remaining time working in Europe. I shifted gears and

reached out to them with a new offer: we would go to Europe once I settled into

my new job in Asia. Once again, I allowed time to pass by without following

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through and firming up travel plans; there was never a big push for this trip as a

top priority. A few years later my mother was diagnosed with Stage Four Lung

Cancer and the thought of promising her a second European holiday immediately

came to mind. I wanted to deliver my promise and fulfill her wish at the same

time. We discussed the possibility of her coming to attend my convocation in

Leicester, England in May of 2003. This would not only give my parents an

opportunity to travel, but also for them to celebrate the achievement of my

Master’s Degree. I held out hope that my mother’s health would improve to the

point that she would be able to travel.

In September of 2002, I visited her for a week of every month, commuting

between Hong Kong and Toronto. Her physical conditions varied, yet we did not

stop discussing the trip to England. Seeing how fragile she looked, I prayed she

would have the strength to get through each day. Taking a vacation together was

no longer a wish—it became a dream. I quickly learned to appreciate being with

her from the very moment I entered her hospital ward. I would do anything I

could to keep her company. Sometimes we sat together just looking into each

other’s eyes. Other times, we sat quietly and read our own books. I enjoyed

watching when she slept peacefully. My eyes were like digital camcorders: I took

images of whatever she did during the limited time I could spend with her. I

understood from my mother that she felt the same way as well. Each time she

saw me, she took a steady, long glance as if she was studying a model to draw.

While we continued discussing the trip to England, in our minds we knew

the opportunity was slim, but we would not openly address this. One day, she

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broke the silence. She said, “I do not look back at the past; I do not look forward

to the future. I live in the present moment.” My mother taught me to treasure the

preciousness of living day-by-day. Since then, Living in the Present Moment has

become a personal pursuit. I had an awakening, and from that point on spent

every visit with her as if it was the last time I would see her. No matter what we

did, each time we were together it became the highlight of my day. I built fond

memories of every visit. Although the time together was short, it was time well

spent for both of us. We did not need to take a vacation to Europe—our simple

activities, even in the confined environment of a hospital ward, were a chance to

take the greatest enjoyment of each other’s company. My mother passed away

peacefully in early February 2003, on the tenth day of the Chinese New Year.

Five years later, in the summer of 2008, my father had a sudden stroke.

He regained consciousness after ten hours of rescue and intensive care. His health

condition was unstable and changed rapidly nearly every hour. My father passed

away peacefully in his sleep two weeks after he was hospitalized. Immediately

after his death, I fell into a deep depression. It was the most difficult time in my

life and also an opportunity to strengthen my Spirituality. I had lost my last

surviving parent. The world seemed to collapse on me. I was dissatisfied with

my career path and the daily culture clashes that confronted me while living in

Asia. This was compounded by being half a world apart from my two brothers;

all these circumstances made me re-evaluate whether it had been a good decision

to accept global assignments. I questioned the purpose of my life. Becoming

engaged in volunteer activities that helped HIV/AIDS patients provided some

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temporary relief from negative thoughts. I had completed all my course work for

a Ph.D. program, and I had just started developing the dissertation proposal.

Being emotionally unstable, I was not in a good frame of mind to work on

my research. I realized that I needed to calm my mind so that I could refocus. I

signed up for more yoga classes and engaged in activities at a Buddhist temple

which lead to an achievement of short moments of mindfulness. Until I was

home alone again, I felt like a wild tiger that had just sprung out of a cage. The

tiger needed to be tamed.

During a weekly visit to my favorite bookstore, Kinokuniya, I found a

step-by-step acrylic painting kit in the fine arts section. The front cover caught my

attention; it was a hummingbird flying over a red hibiscus. The sight of a hibiscus

brought me to one of my earliest memories: a path I used to walk on accompanied

by my fraternal grandmother, Ah Mah, from my house to the first school I

attended in Hong Kong. After it closed, I was transferred to another school. With

the change of schools, I had no choice but to take a different path to get there.

Occasionally my grandmother would allow me to take a longer route back to see

the red hibiscus. It was disappointing when the blooming season ended and I

could no longer see the trace of red flowers. The red hibiscus of the acrylic

painting kit reminded me of the constant changes in life; that there will always be

an end and a new beginning to everything. Without a second thought, I bought it.

In the following few days I finished my first acrylic painting. I was proud

of it as it had been completed without instructions from an art teacher. In those

few days that I concentrated on the painting, I achieved a new state of

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mindfulness. It was therapeutic and brought me back into focus and harmony. I

was excited to discover that art therapy could do this, and that I had found it on

my own. The following weekend, I returned to Kinokuniya to purchase few more

painting kits. Once I became engaged in art work it was like practicing

meditation: I was achieving the quiet and calm moment of mindfulness.

My biggest achievements were the awareness of myself and the discovery

of the impact of art therapy. My deepest pain had resulted from losses: setbacks

to career goals, the loss of my beloved parents, and of a loss of my sense of

direction. I later realized that without a better awareness of my own pain, I could

not possibly work on a research project which discussed coping with suffering.

This knowledge had a profound impact on my research and arrived at a crucial

time. Bentz & Shapiro (1998) wrote that:

awareness of self and reality and their interaction is a positive value in

itself and should be present in the research process; knowing involves
caring for the world and the human life that one studies; and inquiry
should contribute to the development of awareness and self-reflection in
the inquirer and may contribute to the development of spirituality. (pp. 6-
7)

With the discovery of art therapy, I found my source of practicing mindfulness.

Each piece of art that I create is infused with passion, compassion, and a story.

They are not merely visual images. Whenever I notice that a friend is under

pressure or struggling to find positive energy, I send them a copy of my art work

to cheer them up. It brings me deep happiness that I can help transcend art into

practical mediums of self-discovery and mindfulness. Together with Tonglen

meditation practice, art therapy continues to strengthen my spirituality.

Embracing spirituality in my daily life has given me a sense of personal

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satisfaction and fulfillment. My spiritual practices are effective and speedy tools

to calm my mind and bring tranquility.

One of the biggest challenges I have encountered while writing this

dissertation has been a difficulty in expressing my thoughts literally.

Composition has never been one of my strengths. With the depth of information

and the complexity of context presented in this research, I have often felt

handicapped in reaching my ultimate goal. Many times I have wished that I could

submit this dissertation in the form of a presentation of visual art as an alternative

medium. By completing this dissertation, not only I have fulfilled a long-standing

interest in pursuing an academic research topic that I am passionate about, but,

more significantly, I have overcome a fear of writing that has bothered me since

an early age.

After I completed the interview process with all my participants, an image

emerged in my mind repeatedly for nearly three months. This image seemed to

call for my attention with a clear purpose. In this image, I saw a small group of

vibrantly colored clouds moving about in the sky. Each cloud was unique and

brilliant. I quickly sketched this image and filed it with my field notes, hoping to

eventually discover the meaning of the striking image.

Right after I completed writing Chapter Four, “Life Stories,” in the spring

of 2012, I had an opportunity to paint on an Indonesian batik. Batik, originated

from Java, Indonesia, is an art of decorating cloth using wax and dye. I decided

to use a piece of canvas for the re-creation of my cloud sketch. I strongly felt that

this image had a special place in this dissertation, representing all of the people I

381
have engaged throughout the course of this study: myself as the researcher and

author, the eight participants who opened themselves up to me and offered strong

insights to my research, my supportive dissertation committee, and my dedicated

editor.

I have given a title to this image: “Every cloud has a silver lining,” and a

copy of it can be seen below in Figure 2. The clouds have a shape similar to the

auspicious Chinese symbols for Ruyi and lingzhi mushrooms. The Chinese word

Ruyi translates to “as one wishes; following your heart’s desires; and happiness.”

The Lingzhi mushroom is one of the oldest fungal species grown in East Asia

where it has been used as a medicinal mushroom in traditional Chinese medicine

for more than 2,000 years. I find it striking that the imagery of my participants

was expressed in the form of Ruyi and lingzhi mushroom-shaped clouds. Through

their personal journeys of transformative learning and change, each participant

followed their heart’s desires and wishes to heal their wounds.

I practiced Tonglen with each paint stroke visualizing both the suffering

and the accomplishments that my participants encountered in their journeys.

Through the inhaling (receiving) and exhaling (giving) meditative technique, I

painted ten clouds on canvas. The eight larger clouds in the center symbolize my

eight participants. Each of their stories has a silver lining as disclosed in Chapter

Four, “Life Stories.” The two clouds at the opposite edges of this image

symbolize the researcher, dissertation committee, and editor who performed a

critical role in this study contributing academic perspectives. Although I cannot

attach this batik art work together with the dissertation, I strongly feel that there is

382
a need to embrace this image in the concluding section of this study where it

belongs as part of my personal reflection of the transformative learning

experience.

Figure 2. Every cloud has a silver lining

Note: Author’s image

Limitations of the Study

I acknowledge that there are numerous limitations to this research, mainly

due to the narrowly defined scope of the topic. However, these limitations also

present opportunities for future research about similar topics.

One restriction of this project was that the participant sample size of my

study was small and limited to eight people. Since each of their stories is unique,

I was not able to draw conclusions about common traits of behaviors and

reactions. This limited the ability to identify the benefits of coping with suffering

derived from Buddhist practices. Another limitation was that the participants'

profiles had a vast range of ethnic and cultural differences. Without having

conducted an in-depth study on socio-cultural related research, I cannot identify

383
the broad differences of their unique cases. Furthermore, using English as the

only language of communication narrowed the selection of participants. Potential

participants who have rich stories of suffering but who speak different languages

could not be considered for this study. This barrier eliminated many profound

stories which could have added tremendous value to addressing the cultural

implications of dealing with grief.

Five of the interviews I conducted were face-to-face, and the remaining

three were done via telephone. Without the ability to have face-to-face and eye

contact with these three people, it was not possible to fully demonstrate the

empathy I had in probing and encouraging my participants to provide more details

of their stories. When dealing with some of the most painful memories in life, the

impact of this distance cannot be understated. Some of the critical life events

might not have been fully identified and captured due to the lack of intimacy

resulting from having the discussions over the phone.

The length of our interviews presented some limitations, also, as each one

was restricted to approximately one hour in length. The follow-up questionnaires

were beneficial as a supplement, but more time with my participants would have

been valuable. If possible, I would like to have extended the interview process to

include multiple sessions to establish a stronger rapport with the participants and

to capture more details of their life experiences.

Finally, there were limitations to the choices of literature of Buddhist

practices written in or translated to English which were appropriate to my

research topic. I would like to expand my search further to embrace literature and

384
Buddhist scripts written in my native language, Chinese, which could provide an

expanded and enriched source of academic contributions.

All of the limitations discussed to this point also present new opportunities

to conduct further research. Incorporating a more robust global approach in

reviewing literatures, an expanded selection process and size of participants,

interviewing techniques, and different strategies of data collection and analysis

would all be beneficial to future research. Further research to expand on the

scope and inquiring into different traumatic experiences independently would also

be highly valuable.

Recommendations for Future Research

There are many opportunities to expand on the scope of this research. One

possibility is to broaden the inquiry to focus on a specific demographic group.

This would enable a deeper understanding of socio-cultural issues and

implications. People with different ethnic and religious backgrounds react

differently to their situations, and a more in-depth study could reveal unexplored

issues leading to new inquiries addressing the strategies of coping with suffering.

An extension of this interest would be to include participants of other languages,

removing the necessity of speaking in English. Interviews conducted in local

languages and subsequently translated into English for analysis would ensure that

English fluency does not become the top priority for choosing potential

participants.

A comparative cross-cultural inquiry focusing on a specific type of

suffering could be valuable academic research. For example, doing research with

385
a cultural cross-examination which discusses and analyzes coping strategies for

patients or victims and their family would be helpful; the topics might include

chronic diseases, abuses and assaults from physical, mental, or sexual violence,

and genocide. Based on my research findings, the participants’ ways of coping

with suffering are similar to many Buddhist principles.

Another research project could be to develop education programs that

would be suitable for multi-faith participants, grief counselors, therapists, and

social workers. Other than psychotherapy, life skills coaches could also embrace

Buddhist practices. I am interested in helping to refine the knowledge required

for life skills coaches to apply Buddhist practices in their coaching sessions.

Once further research and training methods have been developed, I would also

like to help create an accreditation or education program to meet this learning

need.

Conclusion

My learning experience from this research is multi-faceted. With a calm

mind, we can live with a more natural capacity to be in harmony with the events

and experiences of our lives, whether positive or negative. In our happiness there

will be less need to grasp and hold on to our experiences. In our distress, we will

no longer have a sense of disaster because we understand that nothing is

permanent and unchanging. When we let go of the expectations and assumptions

around our identity we become open to our inner space, to a freedom that is no

longer wounded. Life can then unfold freely. This may sound simple, but the

habit of contraction is ingrained in every cell of our being and takes time to

386
unravel. The journey, however, must begin with the knowledge of what is at the

root of our suffering and that we can reach a place of wholeness and liberation.

Once we have a clear understanding of the root causes of our suffering, it

is then up to us to decide if we want to continue suffering or to stop it. Some

people are trapped in an endless cycle of suffering. This does not happen because

they are not aware of the root causes, but because they do not have the courage to

make a choice to bring it to an end, or, at least, to minimize its impact. In order to

make the choice to cope, we need to know how and where to begin.

The process of recovering can be described as having three stages:

different, better, and more. The first critical step is taking the responsibility to

deal with suffering. Since we cannot undo the things that have happened that

have caused our suffering, we should focus on what we can do to manage our

reactions. We can acquire new skills and knowledge to minimize our emotional

reactions to suffering, disappointment, and frustration. Memories can cause

dormant suffering to resurface. We have to make a personal commitment to break

the habit of victimizing ourselves by re-playing memories or re-activating feelings

that trigger our emotions. We must continually strive to move forward without

taking steps back.

I have learned from my own experience as well as from all my participants

that the essence of healing is contained in the premise of being totally honest with

ourselves. We must not allow the perceptions of others to limit or restrict our

healing. We must not continue to put on masks and pretend to be characters of

someone else’s or society’s expectations. If we fall into these traps, we will lose

387
our authentic identity; we will lose the opportunity to fulfill the true purposes of

our lives. Each of us has our own values and purposes for living. To live a

fulfilled life, it is essential to become complete. We do not want to live with

remorse and depart from this world with a baggage of regrets. By taking charge

of our destiny, we can own the choices and opportunities presented in our lives.

Our lives are filled with attachments and investments in someone or

something. If we get caught up in these attachments too deeply we can get

trapped by thinking that we will possess them forever. When something is gone

or taken away from us, we experience the vulnerability of loss and various stages

of grief. These life experiences can disturb us emotionally. We have a right to

grieve. However, we must understand how our feelings and emotions are linked

to loss and suffering. We must realize, through the experiences of loss and

suffering, that we develop both our characters and identities. When life is

disturbed by loss and suffering, we can make a choice to either proceed or desist

to make progress. If we are able to connect with what we are feeling and learn

from it, then we can move beyond our suffering. We have to go through the

grieving journey and discover for ourselves the opportunities that await us beyond

our suffering.

Our encounters with suffering have a purpose: they are opportunities for

our personal growth. If we continue to avoid the pain of loss and grief by sugar-

coating our feelings, we will never fully recover from them. We need to fully

respect our feelings and to go through their complexities if we want to recover

and get better. Grieving allows us to cleanse ourselves and reconnect to our true

388
selves. If we view suffering as a chance to redevelop ourselves and to remove

some of our negative attitudes and thoughts, we then see new opportunities

presented to us to start over and start fresh.

Each of us is capable of being an agent of change. If we want to change

the world around us, we have to change how people behave. If we want to change

their behavior, we have to first change how they think (Patterson, Grenny,

Maxfield, McMillan, & Switzler, 2008). This means we will have to convince

them to see the world differently. Even if we have good intentions to help others

reconnect with their long-term values or personal goals, we often come off as too

strong or controlling. This can generate a sense of resistance. When this happens

we have neglected to respect and honor their personal choices.

I have learned from interviewing these eight participants that I must

replace judgment with understanding, believing, empathy, motivation, and

compassion. When I listened and talked to them, I discovered that they were

assertive in knowing what was important to them and what changes in their lives

were necessary for them to live according to their values. They all eventually

adopted the necessary changes to cope with their suffering. We often assume that

when people do not make adjustments that it is simply because they do not want

to. In making this simplistic assumption, we have undermined an enormous

device of transformation. There is a need for a supportive environment to

manifest this emotional growth. People need to have the right skills and they

need to know how to put theories into practice to help implement changes. In a

sense, it is as simple as learning how to learn in a new way.

389
 It is important that people going through these transitions have access to

resources. Some people might have to acquire new skills and knowledge from

mentors, councilors, advisors, and trusted friends. Once they have the skills or

knowledge to adopt changes, they need to receive encouragement and positive

motivation to reinforce their progress. Self-discipline is critical to ensure

continuity; it is the skill of practice that makes perfect. These transformations

require a strong will-power and the focus to direct attention to the difficult tasks

of overcoming hurdles. I have learned from these participants that they were in

control of the choices they made to live a better life. It is a personal commitment

they made and adhered to in the time span required to accomplish these changes.

Buddhist practices emphasize that the purpose of life is to know oneself.

Without self-realization, all other goals are less meaningful. Loss and suffering

impel us to look inward. The spiritual life is reconnecting with one’s inner

divinity and the divinity of the universe. When we know ourselves, we can see

reality as it is, find our place in the cosmos, and better understand how to connect

with others. The realization of our suffering will transform our lives, our

attitudes, our behaviors, and our world. Spiritual transformation and renewals are

forms of healing, rectifying, and rebalancing. These renewals restore us to

wholeness through new beginnings. Having a fresh start can help us to re-

examine our assumptions and beliefs, and re-evaluate what we are doing and how

we are doing it. The benefit of this self-examination is that it helps us view the

world from different perspectives and enables us to make changes. Seeing

differently is believing differently and leads to different ways of living.

390
This is suffering; you should understand this.
This is the cause of suffering; you should end this.
This is the cessation of suffering; you should awaken to this.
This is the way to the cessation of suffering; you should practice this.
(Sutra on the Turning of the Dharma Wheel; Dharmachakra Sutra)

391
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 APPENDIX A: INFORMED CONSTENT FORM

Ben Louie, a doctorial candidate at the California Institute of Integral

Studies in San Francisco, is conducting a study on the journey of transformative

learning experience of adult men and women who have adopted a positive attitude

in dealing with the principles of “living the present moment” and “letting go”

derived from Buddhist psychology, this study aims to identify ways to transform

mental suffering and grieving into positive energy that may help to provide

comfort to individuals in despair.

Participation involves a series of audio-taped in-depth interviews, lasting

between one to one and a half hours. During this informal interview, ten open-

ended questions will be asked to provide context for understanding the

participants’ profile and their experiences regarding their challenges with loss or

suffering. In the first part of the interviews, you will be invited to provide

personal background and demographic information for biographical data. These

questions also identify characteristics of the person being interviewed. In the

second part of the interviews, you will be asked specific questions of research

interest. The third and last part of the interviews will give you and the researcher

an opportunity to refine our understanding of the topic discussed and to talk about

your transformational learning experience, and how it has influenced and changed

your life. No prior preparation on your part is required for any part of the

interviews.

Please be advised, the prepared interview questions may touch sensitive

areas for some people, and may evoke unpleasant memories and/ or arise

404
discomfort for discussing a situation that might have been personally challenging.

You will be free to refuse to answer any questions or to end your participation in

the study at any time. Ben Louie will be available before, during, or after the

interviewing process to talk about your concerns. He can be contacted at 1-

(XXX)-XXX-XXXX. Should you have deeper concerns or need further support,

you may contact (The particular psychotherapist will not be named in the interest

of confidentiality) MFT, Psychotherapist (California Marriage and Family

Therapist License number XXXXX), at 1-(XXX)-XXX-XXXX. One “General

screening and referral” session via telephone (fifty minutes in duration) is made

available to you free-of-charge, from the date of interview up to ninety days. This

complimentary session is fully funded by the researcher, Ben Louie. Your

discussion with the above mentioned psychotherapist XXXXX will remain strictly

confidential. Please be informed, long distance phone charges incurred for

obtaining this service will not be covered and/ or reimbursed by the researcher.

All information you contribute will be held in strict confidence within the

limits of the law (see the attached confidentiality statement). The audio tapes and

transcripts will be kept in a locked cabinet to which only Ben Louie has access.

Audio tapes and transcripts will be identified by numbers only. To ensure

confidentiality, identifying information will be deleted (unless you approve

otherwise), and you will be assigned pseudonyms for use in the dissertation. You

will be asked to refer to any personal contacts by pseudonyms or to reframe from

naming them at all. All identifying data will be deleted when direct quotes are

used in the dissertation. Access to the audio tapes will be limited to Ben Louie

405
and the transcriber. The transcripts will be shared with you and possibly one

additional co-researcher (if necessary) as a validity and reliability check on Ben

Louie’s analysis of the data. Neither your name, your city, your employer, nor

any other identifying information will be included in the dissertation itself. Your

request to omit from the dissertation particular details that you specify to the

researcher will be honoured. Ben Louie will also elicit from you other measures

that you deem appropriate to further safeguard your confidentiality. All

transcripts and/ or audio tapes will be destroyed within five years of collection.

No direct benefit, either monetary or resulting from the experience itself,

is offered or guaranteed. You may, however, find the process interesting and

thought-provoking. The information you provide will benefit the understanding

of “how do actions derived from Buddhist principles help to alleviate suffering

among people facing challenges of change” but rarely discussed in the

professional literature.

If you have any concerns or questions regarding your rights as a

participant in this research, or if you feel that you have been placed at risk, you

may report them – anonymously, if you wish – to the Chair, Human Research

Review Committee, California Institute of Integral Studies, 1453 Mission Street,

San Francisco, CA 94103, USA, telephone 1-(415)-575-6100; email

[email protected].

I, ______________________, consent to participate in the study of transformative

learning experience of adopting a positive attitude in dealing with challenging and

406
life-threatening issues conducted by Ben Louie of the California Institute of

Integral Studies. I have received a copy of this consent form and the

Confidentiality Statement, and I understand that my confidentiality will be

protected within the limits of the law.

Signature Date

If you would like to receive a written summary of the results of the study,

please provide an address where it can be sent to you.

Street City Zip/ Postal Code

Country

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 APPENDIX B: CONFIDENTIALITY STATEMENT

Your privacy with respect to the information you disclose during

participation in this study will be protected within the limits of the law. However,

there are circumstances where a psychologist is required by law to reveal

information, usually for the protection of a patient, research participant, or others.

A report to the police department or to the appropriate protective agency is

required in the following cases:

1. If, in the judgment if the psychologist, a patient or research participant

becomes dangerous to himself or herself or others (or their property), and

revealing the information is necessary to prevent the danger;

2. If, there is suspected child abuse, in other words if a child under 16 has

been a victim of a crime or neglect;

3. If, there is suspected elder abuse, in other words if a woman or man age 60

or older has been victim of a crime or neglect.

If a report is required, the psychologist should discuss its contents and

possible consequences with the patient or research participant.

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 APPENDIX C: PARTICIPANT’S BILL OF RIGHTS

You have the right to:

• be treated with dignity and respect;

• be given a clear description of the purpose of the study and what is

expected of you as a participant;

• be told of any benefits or risks to you that can be expected from

participating in the study;

• know the research psychologist’s training and experience;

• ask any questions you may have about the study;

• decide to participate or not without any pressure from the researcher or his
or her assistants;

• have your privacy protected within the limits of the law;

• refuse to answer any research question, refuse to participate in any part of

the study, or withdraw from the study at any time without any negative
effects to you;

• be given a description of the overall results of the study upon request;

• discuss any concerns or file a complaint about the study with the Human
Research Review Committee, California Institute of Integral Studies, 1453
Mission Street, San Francisco, CA 94103, USA.

409