WORKING

PARENTS
Tips, stories, and
strategies for the job
that never ends.

Communicate
Better with
Everyone
Communicate
Better with
Everyone
 HBR WORKING PARENTS SERIES

Tips, stories, and strategies for

the job that never ends.

The HBR Working Parents Series supports readers as they

anticipate challenges, learn how to advocate for themselves
more effectively, juggle their impossible schedules, and find
fulfillment at home and at work.
From classic issues such as work-life balance and mak-
ing time for yourself to thorny challenges such as managing
an urgent family crisis and the impact of parenting on your
career, this series features the practical tips, strategies, and
research you need to be—and feel—more effective at home
and at work. Whether you’re up with a newborn or touring
universities with your teen, we’ve got what you need to make
working parenthood work for you.

Books in the series include:

Advice for Working Dads Managing Your Career
Advice for Working Moms Suceeding as a First-Time
Communicate Better with Parent
Everyone Taking Care of Yourself
Doing It All as a Solo Parent Two-Career Families
Getting It All Done
WORKING
PARENTS
Tips, stories, and
strategies for the job
that never ends.

Communicate
Better with
Everyone

Harvard Business
Review Press
Boston, Massachusetts
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Names: Harvard Business Review Press, issuing body.
Title: Communicate better with everyone.
Other titles: HBR working parents series.
Description: Boston, Massachusetts : Harvard Business Review Press,
[2021] | Series: HBR working parents series | Includes index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020054250 (print) | LCCN 2020054251 (ebook) |
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 CONTENTS

Introduction
Can We Talk? xiii
Find the right words when discussing
what matters most.
by Daisy Dowling, Series Editor

Section 1
Listen—and Be Heard
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

1. Four Conversations Every 3

Overwhelmed Working Parent
Should Have
With your boss, your children, your partner,
and yourself.
by Joseph Grenny and Brittney Maxfield

2. Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary 11

Predators, and Say No
Scripts to help you draw the line—and
stand behind it.
by Priscilla Claman
Contents

3. What Great Listeners Actually Do 21

Using your “listening ears” is not enough.
by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman

4. How to Listen When Your 29

Communication Styles Don’t Match
Have better conversations with venters,
belaborers, and condescenders.
by Mark Goulston

5. Be Someone Others Can Confide In 37

Get beyond pleasantries.
by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Section 2
Use Your Words
Turn Adversarial Conversations into
Civil Discourse

6. How to Make Sure You’re Heard 45

in a Difficult Conversation
Grown-ups shouldn’t point fingers or
call people names, either.
by Amy Gallo

viii
 Contents

7. Eight Ways to Get a Difficult 53

Conversation Back on Track
Reframe to see a partner, not an opponent.
by Monique Valcour

8. When to Skip a Difficult 63

Conversation
Twelve questions to help you consider what to
say—or whether to delay.
by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Section 3
Mentioning the Unmentionables
Tough Discussions at Work

9. Communicating Through a 71
Personal Crisis
How—and how much—to disclose.
by Sabina Nawaz

10. When You Need to Take Time Off 79

Work for Mental Health Reasons
It’s much harder to talk about than carpal
tunnel surgery.
by Barbara Ricci

ix
Contents

11. Asking for an Extended Leave for 87

a Family Issue
Adopt a problem-solving approach.
by Denise M. Rousseau

Section 4
Table Talk
Tough Discussions with Your Family

12. How to Negotiate with Your Kids 101

When they all seem to be lawyers-in-training.
by Mary C. Kern and Terri R. Kurtzberg

13. Help Your Partner Cope with 111

Work Stress
Lighten the load of bad bosses, looming
layoffs, and crazy-making clients.
by Rebecca Knight

14. What You Should Tell Your Kids 119

About Finding a Career
And a few things you definitely
shouldn’t say.
by James M. Citrin

x
 Contents

Section 5
If You Can’t Say Something Nice . . .
Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

15. How to Talk to Yourself 129

with Compassion
Hush harsh inner dialogue.
by Alice Boyes

16. Make Peace with Your Inner Critic 139

Don’t let fear and self-doubt have
the last word.
An Interview with Tara Mohr by Sarah
Green Carmichael

Epilogue
Last Word

17. Being a Parent Made Me a Better 149

Manager, and Vice Versa
Our children are our best and most
honest judges.
by Jelena Zikic

Notes 155
About the Contributors 159
Index 167

xi
 INTRODUCTION

Can We Talk?
by Daisy Dowling

Y
ou’re no beginner when it comes to communicat-
ing—you wouldn’t be where you are today if you
didn’t know how to talk to people and get your
point across, and how to listen, too. Over the years,
you’ve fielded tough interview questions and still gotten
the job, dealt with prickly coworkers and managed to
keep the peace at work, and both delivered and received
your fair share of difficult feedback. It’s no different on
the home front, either. After navigating your family’s get-
togethers during the holidays, you could probably teach
a diplomacy class. And you know how to be kind but
firm with your children, and how to really listen when
they talk (or babble, if they’re small) to you. Of course,
just like everybody else, you find your palms getting a
little sweaty before you speak to a crowd, but for the most
part, both personally and professionally, you know how
to communicate.

xiii
Introduction

But what about those times when the personal and

professional intersect—how good are you at communi-
cating then? As someone who wants to succeed on the job
and be a loving, present, nurturing father or mother, how
confident are you in having important conversations that
cover both at the same time? Maybe, like so many of the
working parents I’ve coached over the past several years,
you’re grappling with how to:

• Explain your working-parent schedule to a new

boss or skeptical coworkers.

• Write your annual self-review in a year when you

went to major lengths to “take care of business” at
home so you could keep performing at work.

• Find the right words to tell your colleagues—none

of whom have kids—that you’re expecting your
second child.

• Figure out a way to talk to your partner about all

the extra hours they have been putting in recently,
without it starting a major domestic skirmish.

• Ask your child’s caregiver to stay late when you

suddenly have to work overtime.

• Renegotiate your work responsibilities, hours, or

location while advocating for an (overdue and
well-deserved) raise or promotion.

xiv
 Introduction

• Talk to yourself about how you’re handling working

parenthood instead of falling into the “I feel guilty”
trap, again.

. . . or similar. If so, I’m sure your intentions are good.

You want to have an effective dialogue; that’s not the
issue. Yet the stakes are high, the situation fraught, and
despite all of your professionalism and parental love and
that presentations skills class you took a few years ago,
it’s extremely hard to figure out how to say what needs
to be said. There’s a very real and disconcerting risk that
the conversation doesn’t go well, and you’re left sitting
across from an unconvinced boss, an angry partner, or a
confused child. Or worse, you’re not heard at all, or are
heard but misunderstood. If you need to have a hard talk
about work with your family or about your family while
at work, you’re probably also worried and unsure of the
right next steps.
This book will help restore your confidence and get
you moving forward. Communicate Better with Everyone
is your guide to taking all the communications skills
and experience you already have and tweaking them to
fit your  career-plus-caregiving reality. In the chapters
that follow, you’ll get the perspective, practical strate-
gies, and actual wording you need to tackle the toughest
working-parent conversations, authentically and effec-
tively—without undue stress. This isn’t a communications

xv
Introduction

primer or 101 course; actually, it’s the reverse. It focuses

only on the trickier and more loaded working-parent
interactions—the conversations that, even as a skilled
negotiator and veteran parent, you don’t feel as confi-
dent about and that no communications course would
get into. And it unpacks those conversations at a deeper
level, right where your ambition bumps up against who
you are as a loving parent.
You’re short on time, and that important conversation
looms, so let’s get right down to business. Start your jour-
ney by glancing through the contents pages. As you do,
the most relevant chapters will jump out. Need time off
because of a difficult family situation? Turn to chapter 11,
and get Denise Rousseau’s great advice on how to frame
your dialogue as a problem-solving exercise. If you’ve
been beating yourself up over all the shortcomings you
see in yourself as a parent, dig into chapter 15 and learn
to talk to yourself in a different way. If you’re on the fence
and wondering whether or not to even have that difficult
conversation you’ve been freaking out about or if it’s bet-
ter to just let it go, let Deborah Grayson Riegel’s excel-
lent guidance in chapter 8 help you decide. Let this book
be your coach: to help you gain direction, build better
skills, see new approaches, and come away with more
confidence. While the advice you’ll find here is usable
for every working parent, it’s your life, and family, and
career, and relationships, and you’ll decide what to take
away and what to act on.

xvi
 Introduction

As you begin to read through the practical advice

you find in this book, I believe you’ll find the real ben-
efit of getting some guidance and a fresh take on your
working-parent communications—as one of my recent
clients did. Rob was a new father whose first child had
been born mid-pandemic. Working remotely, in an in-
dustry not known for candor around caregiving issues,
and still within the first year of a pressured new job, he
agonized over when and how to bring up his caregiv-
ing needs with his colleagues. During our session, we
unpacked his apprehensions and covered various ways
to talk about his schedule, all while coming across as a
committed, “on it” professional. After an hour of rapid
back-and-forth, Rob paused. “If I’m not as worried about
how to talk about career and parenting,” he told me, “I
can spend more of my time worrying about my actual
work, and the baby.” That’s exactly it: The more comfort-
able and confident you are talking about working parent-
hood, the more you’ll be able to focus on the things that
really matter.

xvii
Section 1

Listen—and
Be Heard
Have Productive and
Balanced Conversations
 1

Four Conversations
Every
Overwhelmed
Working Parent
Should Have
by Joseph Grenny and Brittney Maxfield

Quick Takes

• Ask yourself who you are and what you want

• Talk about your career and family commitments with

your boss and colleagues

• Define common goals for your children with your spouse

or partner

• Open up to your kids about the pressures you feel and

what you want

3
W
orking parents sometimes struggle with
the feeling that they are either letting
down their family or not meeting their
career goals. It can be hard to strike the right balance.
As with most of the challenges we face at work, having
an open and honest conversation is one of the first steps
toward  finding a solution. If you’re able to talk about
the issue, you can often resolve it, or at least come to a
compromise.
One of us, Brittney, became a mom eight years ago
and  went through this experience of renegotiating
boundaries in an intentional way. The other, Joseph, saw
how Brittney’s skill in doing this not only made Brittney
happier but also changed our whole company culture
to be more supportive of working parents.
If you are a parent looking to establish and sustain a
healthier balance—for yourself, your children, and even
your organization—there are four specific types of con-
versations we recommend having.

4
 Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

A Conversation with Yourself

The first ongoing conversation you need to have is with

yourself. You must clarify who you are and what you
want before you can confidently negotiate your bound-
aries. If you fail to hold this initial conversation, emotion
can override reason, and it’s easy to get caught up in an
unwinnable game of pleasing someone else rather than
choosing what is right for you. Having this conversation
with yourself first will make all the other conversations
less stressful.

A Conversation with Your Boss

and Colleagues

View this as an ongoing tactical conversation in

which you  negotiate the specifics of your schedule and
workload.
Sit down with your boss and teammates and let them
know of your passion for your career and your work-
related goals, and then unapologetically share how your
family commitments relate to these priorities. For ex-
ample, you might say, “I want to manage large projects.
I’m at my best when I’m getting important things done.
I’m willing to sprint for short periods of time to ensure
that everything works, but these sprints will have to be

5
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

occasional. I also intend to be a consistent presence in my

children’s lives.” Having laid out these principles frankly,
check to see if your colleagues are expressing mild disap-
pointment, support, or simply concession. If they buy in
grudgingly, you should expect worse when your bound-
aries cost them in specific ways.
It’s possible that your teammates won’t support the
life you are committed to creating for yourself. But
remember—even if this conversation goes poorly, you
haven’t failed. Knowing where everybody stands will
provide you with the information you need to make the
best choice about how to move forward with your career.
You might determine that leaving the organization and
finding a more supportive company is the best way for
you to reach your goals and avoid the alternative: a slow,
inexorable path to separation.
When Brittney returned to work, she was initially ner-
vous about asking her manager for more flexibility and
a slightly reduced schedule, which she felt she needed in
order to have more time at home. Ultimately, their con-
versation was successful because she strongly believed
that a more flexible schedule would allow her to better
meet her obligations at home and at the office.

6
 Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

A Conversation with Your Partner

or Spouse

Speak honestly with your partner or spouse about your

common goals for your children. If, for example, you
both agree that it’s essential for at least one parent to be
present at important events in your child’s life, then find
ways to tag-team these commitments. You may be willing
to speak to your boss about your work-life balance goals,
but if your partner isn’t willing to do the same, it will be
challenging to meet the goals you set and the two of you
may fall into mutual resentment. Encourage your part-
ner to hold these difficult conversations at their work-
place so that together you can accomplish your goals.
When Brittney adjusted her work schedule, her self-
employed husband made similar sacrifices. Though he
was working tirelessly to get a business off the ground,
he  reduced his schedule to spend time with their son
while Brittney was at the office—and vice versa. This
teamwork approach helped them manage their time in
ways that aligned with their goals.

A Conversation with Your Child(ren)

When your children are old enough to understand, talk

frankly with them about the pressures you feel and what

7
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

you truly want. However, be careful to avoid playing the

role of the victim. Blaming your organization for your
lack of flexibility or stress at home doesn’t solve prob-
lems; it creates unfair and false resentments. The last
thing you want to do is teach your children to despise the
idea of work. Instead, model by example.
Acknowledge all the commitments you’ve willingly
made both at work and at home. Help your children un-
derstand the time you spend away from them isn’t just
that—time away. It’s something you value that also con-
tributes to a happier life at home for the whole family.
Talk to your kids about your passion for your work, the
skills you’ve developed to excel at your position, and
how it brings you joy. Explain how much you want to
put them first and that when you can’t, it’s hard on you,
too. Don’t brush off difficult feelings. Own the sadness
you might feel when you can’t be there. Feeling sad to-
gether actually creates connection. If your child sees that
it’s hard for you, they can better understand that your
occasional absence is no reflection of your love for them.
When Brittney was required to travel for her job, she
never pretended that she was being forced to leave by a
sinister boss, even if that would’ve been an easier mes-
sage to deliver to her kids. She told her boys she would
miss them but that, right now, she had to fulfill other
important responsibilities. Now that her children are
older, she talks honestly with them about schedules and
priorities. In these ongoing conversations, she explains

8
 Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

that even when Mom and Dad are busy with work, the
family’s needs are always the top priority.
There’s no denying these four conversations are chal-
lenging to have and may not always go as well as you
planned, depending on your circumstances and the ex-
pectations of your boss, coworkers, and partner. Having
them also doesn’t guarantee that your career won’t be at
all affected, especially if you’re a woman. Unfortunately,
we still live in a world where too many women experi-
ence a motherhood penalty of reduced opportunity and
compensation in their careers. Having the four conversa-
tions does not guarantee inoculation against these work-
place inequities, but it does guarantee the possibility of
achieving the change you want to see in your life. If you
never have the conversation, you fail before you try.
Balance is a never-ending pursuit that requires con-
stant awareness and communication—but with skill and
purpose, it can be done. And as a parent, what better
motivation to establish and sustain a healthy work-life
balance than our children?

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, August 8, 2018 (product #H04GAT).

9
 2

Set Boundaries,
Foil Boundary
Predators,
and Say No
by Priscilla Claman

Quick Takes

• Agree to terms ahead of time

• Refer to your expertise

• Anticipate scope creep

• Ask clarifying questions

• Learn to say no indirectly

11
B
oundary predators are easy to find at work. They
include the boss who asks you to work the week-
end you have a family wedding or the client who
tacks on two more presentations to the senior team than
you agreed to. They are the team leader who assigns you
more work than your colleagues.
Boundary predators aren’t just at work. They also in-
clude the craft y 4-year-old who says, “But Daddy said I
could have another cookie!” They are the 17-year-old who
commits to driving three friends to the movies without
first asking your permission to borrow the car. They are
the beloved partner who leaves the dishwasher for you to
unload even though you made a deal to take turns and
you did it yesterday.
Boundary predators rely on their power and authority
and your passivity to get what they want. It’s up to you
to push back by understanding how to create boundaries
and maintain them. Personal boundaries are difficult to
define and hard to maintain in all spheres of our lives.
Unlike laws or national boundaries, personal boundaries
don’t exist on their own; you have to will them into exis-
tence through conversation, especially if you aren’t in a

12
 Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

position of power. However, all kinds of people conduct

these difficult conversations every day with customers,
clients, and kids, clarifying the work to be done and both
drawing and holding the line. The following approaches
will make it easier for you to conduct persuasive conver-
sations that set and maintain boundaries:

Have an Agreement Up Front

When everyone consents to terms ahead of time, every-

one knows what the objectives are and what to expect,
and there is usually less potential for opposition. For
example:

• “I have to leave this meeting at 11:30, but I’ll check

in this afternoon.”

• “Yes, you can take the car, but you will have to be
back by 10:30 so I can take your sister to practice.”

• “Let’s say that you can always have two cookies,

but only two cookies, for dessert.”

Establishing a clear boundary gives you a defense against

withering in an endless meeting or listening to continu-
ous nagging for more dessert. Then, you can just remind
the other party of the agreement and be firm. “Only two
cookies for dessert, remember?”

13
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Mention Your Credentials

Setting boundaries, no matter how casual, requires some

authority. Briefly referring to the expertise you bring to
the table gives you additional power in boundary negoti-
ations. Here’s what that sounds like:

• “I’ve worked with at least 20 CEOs in similar situa-

tions, and I know I can help you.”

• “Yes, I’ve worked with this software on several

other projects, and I know I can make a contribu-
tion to the team. But we’ll have to figure out how to
reassign my current work.”

• “As your father, I am responsible for your safety,

and I don’t think that’s a safe thing to do.”

To up the ante a little, mention others who are with you:

• “You’ve reached the right department to resolve

your problem. We have a reputation for being the
best, so if you follow my instructions, I’ll have you
back online in a jiff y.”

• “Parents choose their kids’ TV programs, and your

dad and I agree that’s not a program you should
watch.”

14
 Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

Expect Your Boundaries to Be

Challenged

We’re all familiar with “scope creep”—when you’re asked

to do more than you signed up for. As any parent of a
2-year-old knows, setting a boundary is almost an invi-
tation to test it. So, don’t get angry. Think about it and
make a choice. Do I want to make this an exception or
do I want to stick with the agreement? There are times
when you can gain something from conceding, but you’ll
need to reset the boundary bargain as a part of the same
conversation. For example:

• “I’m happy to do it again for you, this time. How

about lending me two people on your staff while
I do it? I’ll teach them all I know, and then you’ll
have the resources in-house.”

• “Yes, you can have the car all day Saturday if you
drive your sister and her friends to practice. The
following Saturday, though, I’m going to need it.”

Ask Questions

Ask loads of clarifying questions before committing,

especially when you aren’t clear on the right approach.
The answers will help you decide what to do when your

15
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

boundaries are challenged. Keep your questions open-

ended, so you’ll be able to gather more information with-
out being perceived as negative:

• “Let’s talk a little more about your project. You

said it had strategic importance. How is that? Do
you have some ideas for the outcomes you want?
Let’s come up with some options for meeting your
team’s strategic goals for this fiscal year.”

• “What can you tell me about the people we’re cre-

ating this how-to-interview program for? Are they
experienced interviewers? What concerns do you
have about their ability to select the right person
for the job?”

• “That is an interesting new bike you want us to

buy for you. What makes it different from the bike
you have now? What do you plan to do with your
old bike?”

Try Not to Use the Word “No”

Sooner or later you’re going to have to use the word “no,”

if only to stop your kid from running into the street. But
don’t be afraid to disagree, even with powerful people.
You can have a persuasive conversation that sets bound-
aries without starting a world war. The key is to not say

16
 Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

no directly. This skill is useful for setting boundaries

while maintaining the relationship:

• “My team and I would be very happy to work on

your important project, but we’re unable to start
for six months.”

• “I’m sorry—I just won’t be able to make that Friday

deadline. Let’s talk about what we can do now.”

When you say no indirectly, offering alternatives main-

tains the relationship and eases the negative blow. Do-
ing this works in the office and in other realms of your
life, too:

• “I can scale back what I give you and do it by Fri-

day, or I can complete it and give it to you a week
later.”

• “I’m very excited about taking this job, and I

understand you want me to start right away, but
I have a two-week vacation planned with my
family. Would you like me to start after I take my
vacation or take the vacation after I start?”

• “It’s just not possible for us to spend that amount

of money on a new bike this summer. However,
I’m happy to brainstorm with you how you could
earn some money and sell your old one. Then
we might be able to contribute something to
the cause.”

17
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Alternatives give the people you are saying no to a greater

sense of control. You’re not denying them everything, and
you’re sending a strong message that you still want to
work with them.

Don’t Offer a Parade of “Becauses”

When You Say No

Overexplaining will not help you agree to a boundary.

Too much information can lead to too much discussion.
And it erodes your position:

• Don’t say, “I can’t work next Saturday because

I’m going to my grandson’s first birthday party,”
unless you know your boss is particularly sensi-
tive to grandmothers. The boss might argue, “But
he’ll have a birthday next year” or “You’ll be home
by 6 p.m. Have the party then.” Now you are into
an argument that’s hard to win. Say instead, “I’m
sorry. I’ve an important family obligation I just
can’t change.” And stick to it.

• Don’t say you can’t come to a party because you

don’t have a babysitter, because then the host could
offer to let your children come, too. Then you’d be
forced to say, “But that wouldn’t work because . . . ”
Instead, say, “I wish we could, but we just can’t,”
and leave it like that.

18
 Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

After a Crisis, Reset the Agreement

Emergencies occur. You will drop everything to take

your daughter to the emergency room when she breaks
her leg. You will work more hours than is reasonable to
make sure that product gets out the door on time. But
you need to restart your agreement when the emergency
is over. If you had a strong boundary agreement in the
first place, it will be much easier to reestablish it. If you
can, allude to the agreement while you are responding to
the emergency, and always give the important news in
the first sentence:

• “I’m not going to make the presentation this after-

noon. I’m on my way to the emergency room with
my daughter. When she is stabilized, I’ll call and
see what I can do to reschedule.”

• “No problem. I’ll take over while you go to that

important conference in Chicago, but when you get
back, let’s return to our regular plan for day care
drop-off and pickup.”

With any interruption in your boundary agreement, you

will need to reset the agreement to move forward:

• “Yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet with Big

Important Client to resolve their problems with
our technology, but let’s agree that I’ll go back to

19
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

managing my current team with my current re-

sponsibilities when I get back next month.”

• “Yes, while you are staying at Grandma’s, you can

watch the TV much longer. But Grandma has her
rules at her house, and we have our rules at our
house.”

Strangely enough, even when you are in charge, using

your authority doesn’t always help you set boundaries, as
anyone who has toilet trained a toddler will tell you. The
harder you push, the more resistance you create. Being
persuasive, not pushy, will help you set boundaries in a
collaborative way. And the more you conduct conversa-
tions to clearly set—and enforce—boundaries, the more
they will be respected.

Adapted from “Set Better Boundaries,” on hbr.org, January 13, 2021 (product
#H063ME).

20
 3

What Great
Listeners
Actually Do
by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman

Quick Takes

• Ask questions to promote discovery

• Create a safe environment to discuss issues openly

• Provide feedback in a way that opens up alternative

paths

• Clear away distractions

• Listen with your eyes, too

21
C
hances are you think you’re a good listener.
People’s appraisal of their listening ability is
much like their assessment of their driving
skills in that the great bulk of adults think they’re above
average.1
In our experience, most people think good listening
comes down to doing three things:

• Not talking when others are speaking

• Letting others know you’re listening through facial

expressions and verbal sounds (“Mmm-hmm”)

• Being able to repeat what others have said, practi-

cally word for word

In fact, much management advice on listening sug-

gests doing these very things—encouraging listeners to
remain quiet, nod, and say “mmm-hmm” encouragingly,
and then repeat back something like, “So, let me make
sure I understand. What you’re saying is . . .” However,
our research suggests that these behaviors fall short of
describing good listening skills.
We analyzed data describing the behavior of 3,492
participants in a development program designed to help

22
 What Great Listeners Actually Do

managers become better coaches. As part of this pro-

gram, their coaching skills were assessed by others in
360-degree assessments. We identified those who were
perceived as being the most effective listeners (the top
5%). We then compared the best listeners to the average of
all other people in the data set and identified the 20 items
showing the largest significant difference. With those re-
sults in hand, we identified the differences between great
and average listeners and analyzed the data to determine
what characteristics their colleagues identified as the be-
haviors that made them outstanding listeners.
We found some surprising conclusions, along with
some qualities we expected to hear. We grouped them
into four main findings:

• Good listening is much more than being silent. To

the contrary, people perceived the best listeners to be
those who periodically ask questions that promote
discovery and insight. These questions gently chal-
lenge old assumptions but do so in a constructive
way. Sitting there silently nodding does not provide
sure evidence that a person is listening, but asking a
good question tells the speaker the listener has not
only heard what was said but comprehended it well
enough to want additional information. Good lis-
tening was consistently seen as a two-way dialogue,
rather than a one-way “speaker versus hearer”
interaction. The best conversations were active.

23
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

• Good listening builds a person’s self-esteem. The

best listeners made the conversation a positive
experience for the other party, which doesn’t hap-
pen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter,
critical!). Good listeners made the other person feel
supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good
listening was characterized by the creation of a safe
environment in which issues and differences could
be discussed openly.

• Good listening is a cooperative conversation. In

these interactions, feedback flowed smoothly
in both directions with neither party becoming
defensive about comments the other made. By con-
trast, poor listeners were seen as competitive—as
listening only to identify errors in reasoning or
logic, using their silence as a chance to prepare
their next response. That might make you an
excellent debater, but it doesn’t make you a good
listener. Good listeners may challenge assumptions
and disagree, but the person being listened to feels
the listener is trying to help, not wanting to win an
argument.

• Good listeners make suggestions. Good listening

invariably included some feedback provided in a
way that others would accept and that opened up
alternative paths to consider. This finding some-
what surprised us, since it’s not uncommon to hear

24
 What Great Listeners Actually Do

complaints that “so-and-so didn’t listen; he just

jumped in and tried to solve the problem.” Perhaps
what the data is telling us is that making sugges-
tions is not itself the problem; it may be the skill
with which those suggestions are made. Another
possibility is that we’re more likely to accept sug-
gestions from people we already think are good
listeners. (Someone who is silent for the whole
conversation and then jumps in with a suggestion
may not be seen as credible. Someone who seems
combative or critical and then tries to give advice
may not be seen as trustworthy.)

While many of us have thought being a good listener

is like being a sponge that accurately absorbs what the
other person is saying, instead these findings show that
good listeners are like trampolines. They are someone
you can bounce ideas off of—and rather than absorbing
your ideas and energy, they amplify, energize, and clarify
your thinking. They make you feel better not merely by
passively absorbing but by actively supporting. This lets
you gain energy and height, just like someone jumping
on a trampoline.
Of course, there are different levels of listening. Not
every conversation requires the highest levels of listen-
ing, but many conversations would benefit from greater
focus and listening skill. Consider which level of listen-
ing you’d like to aim for:

25
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Level 1: The listener creates a safe environment in

which difficult, complex, or emotional issues can
be discussed.

Level 2: The listener clears away distractions like

phones, focusing attention on the other person and
making appropriate eye contact. (This behavior not
only affects how you are perceived as the listener
but immediately influences the listener’s own atti-
tudes and inner feelings. Acting the part changes
how you feel inside. This in turn makes you a bet-
ter listener.)

Level 3: The listener seeks to understand the sub-

stance of what the other person is saying. They
capture ideas, ask questions, and restate issues to
confirm that their understanding is correct.

Level 4: The listener observes nonverbal cues,

such as facial expressions, perspiration, respiration
rates, gestures, posture, and numerous other subtle
body language signals. It is estimated that 80% of
what we communicate comes from these signals.
It sounds strange to some, but you listen with your
eyes as well as your ears.

Level 5: The listener increasingly understands

the other person’s emotions and feelings about
the topic at hand and identifies and acknowledges

26
 What Great Listeners Actually Do

them. The listener empathizes with and validates

those feelings in a supportive, nonjudgmental way.

Level 6: The listener asks questions that clarify

assumptions the other person holds and helps the
other person see the issue in a new light. This could
include the listener injecting some thoughts and
ideas about the topic that could be useful to the
other person. However, good listeners never high-
jack the conversation so that they or their issues
become the subject of the discussion.

Each of the levels builds on the others; thus, if you’ve

been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather
than listening, it may mean you need to attend to some
of the other levels (such as clearing away distractions or
empathizing) before your proffered suggestions can be
appreciated.
The highest and best form of listening comes in play-
ing the same role for the other person that a trampoline
plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height, and
amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, July 14, 2016 (product #H030DC).

27
 4

How to Listen
When Your
Communication
Styles Don’t Match
by Mark Goulston

Quick Takes

• Let those who vent or scream blow off steam

• Be patient with those who explain or belabor

• Notice language the speaker uses about strong emotions

• Ask follow-up questions to help the person process their

feelings

• Check that what they said and what you heard match

29
W
hy do people who consider themselves good
communicators often fail to actually hear
each other? Often, it’s due to a mismatch
of styles: To someone who prefers to vent, someone who
prefers to explain seems patronizing; explainers experi-
ence those who vent as volatile.
This is why so many of us see our conversational
counterparts as lecturing, belaboring, talking down to
us, or even shaming us (if we vent and they explain) or
as invasive, out of control, and overly emotional (if we
explain and they vent).
Facing this kind of mismatch, what do you think the
chances are either person actually listens with an open
mind?
My answer is . . . very low. It is tempting to say zero, but
since it’s not possible (or even desirable) to interact only
with people whose communication style matches yours,
you need to develop the skill to listen, regardless of style.
This can be incredibly effortful. When someone is ei-
ther venting or screaming or explaining or belaboring, it
triggers a part of your middle emotional brain called the
amygdala, which desperately wants to hijack your atten-
tive listening and instead react reflexively with whatever

30
 How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match

your hardwired reactions are. And resisting that amyg-

dala hijack is exhausting.

What to Do with Someone Who Vents

or Screams

If your conversational counterpart vents or screams, your

hardwired survival coping skill might be to tell them to
calm down (which will only make them more upset), to
shut down and be silent (which will only make them yell
longer, because they’ll think you’re not listening), or to
try to point out how irrational venting is (which, as noted
above, they will perceive as patronizing and belaboring).
Instead, say to yourself, “OK, here comes another
temper tantrum. Just let them blow up. Try not to take
it between the eyes, and imagine you’re looking into the
calm eye of a hurricane and the storm is going over your
shoulder.”
To do this, focus on their left eye. The left eye is con-
nected to the right brain—the emotional brain. Let them
finish. Then say something like, “I can see you’re really
frustrated. To make sure I don’t add to that, and to make
sure I don’t miss something, what is the most important
thing I need to do in the long term? What’s the critical
thing I need to do in the short term, and what do I need
to get done ASAP?” Reframing the conversation this
way, after they’ve finished venting, will make sure that

31
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Three Questions to Ask When

Someone Is Venting
by Mark Goulston

When you’re faced with an upset customer, client, em-

ployee, shareholder, child, parent, spouse, or friend, it
can feel as if they’re bulging with emotion and about to
explode. Jumping in and giving advice or sitting there
silently aren’t your only options. To help the person pro-
cess their feelings—and have a productive conversa-
tion—ask three questions:
1. What are you most frustrated about? Asking your
counterpart about the source of their frustration
allows them to vent. When they finish, pick any
of their words that had a lot of emotion attached.
These can be words such as “never,” “screwed up,”
or any other words spoken with high inflection.
Say something like, “Say more about ‘never’ [or
‘screwed up,’ etc.]” to help them release more of
their built-up pressure.
2. What are you most angry about? Go deeper by
asking them to say more about what they’re most
angry about. Don’t take issue with them or get

32
 How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match

into a debate; just know that they really need to

get this off their chest—if you listen without inter-
rupting them, while also inviting them to say even
more, they will.
3. What are you really worried about? Ask about
their main worry—the core of their emotional
wound. If you have listened and not taken issue
with their frustration and anger, they will speak to
you about what they’re really worried about. En-
courage them to go deeper by again asking them,
“Say more about . . .” After they finish, respond
with something like, “Now I understand why you
are so frustrated, angry, and worried. Since we
can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together
to check out your options from here. OK?”
When people are upset, it matters less what you tell
them than what you enable them to tell you. After they
get their feelings off their chest, that’s when they can
then have a constructive conversation with you.

Adapted from “How to Listen When Someone Is Venting,” by Mark

Goulston, posted on hbr.org, May 9, 2013.

33
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

your “explainer” self knows what to do—instead of ig-

noring the venting as another random outburst. Chances
are they have something important they’re trying to tell
you, even though they’re not communicating it very well.
After they respond, say to them, “What you just said
is much too important for me to have misunderstood a
word, so I’m going to say it back to you to make sure
I’m on the same page as you. Here’s what I heard.” Then
repeat exactly, word for word, what they said. After you
finish, say, “Did I get that right and, if not, what did I
miss?” Forcing them to listen to what you said they said,
“because it was important,” will slow them down, will
help you stay centered and in control, and will earn you
respect.

What to Do with Someone Who Explains

or Belabors

If your conversational counterpart is an explainer, your

hardwired survival coping skill might be to say to your-
self, “Here they go again; make sure you smile politely
even if you want to pull your hair out. Try not to let your
impatience and annoyance show.” The problem with
this is that even though they may be oblivious to others
as they go on and on, at some level they may be aware
of your underlying impatience and that might actually
make them talk longer. Yikes.

34
 How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match

Realize that the reason they explain and belabor things

is probably because their experience is that people don’t
pay attention to what they say. While that may be true of
some distracted people, for others, it’s that the speaker is
belaboring something that the listener already heard—
and doesn’t want to hear over and over again. Another
possibility is that these explainers may not be feeling lis-
tened to somewhere else in their lives (by their spouse,
kids, parents, or boss) and are now relieved to have you
as a captive audience.
When the explainer goes into explanation, lecture, or
filibuster mode, say to yourself, “OK, this is going to take
a while.” Put a mental bookmark in whatever you were
working on. Then look them in their left eye and try to
signal, “OK, take your time. I’m fully listening.” Instead
of feeling frustrated and reacting by becoming impatient
and fidgety, remind yourself, “They need to do this. I can
be patient.”
When they finish, apply a similar response to the per-
son who vents or screams with the following minor edit:
“I can see that you really had a lot that you had to say. To
make sure I don’t miss something, what was the most
important thing I need to do in the long term, what’s the
critical thing I need to do in the short term, and what do
I need to get done ASAP?”
After they respond, say something like, “What you
just said is way too important for me to have misunder-
stood a word, so I’m going to say it back to you to make

35
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

sure I’m on the same page as you. Here’s what I heard.”

Then repeat exactly, word for word, what they said. After
you finish, say, “Did I get that right, and if not, what did
I miss?”
Your amygdala is probably saying, “I don’t want to do
either of those things. These people are obnoxious and
unreasonable. Why should I kowtow to them?”
Here are several reasons:

• They aren’t likely to change. These are deeply

ingrained personality traits.

• Being more open and inviting them to talk will

lessen their need to act this way. Listening
patiently hath charm to soothe the savage (or
boring) beast.

• You will feel more self-respect and self-esteem.

These approaches will enable you to remain cool,
calm, collected, centered, and communicative in
a situation that formerly frustrated you and made
you react poorly.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, October 9, 2013.

36
 5

Be Someone
Others Can
Confide In
by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Quick Takes

• Ask how someone’s doing—more than once

• Remember details to demonstrate you’re listening

• Notice—and name—body language

• Model vulnerability

• Create a safe environment for sharing

37
T
he question, “Hey, how are you?” often gets asked
as a reflex. And, “I’m fine, you?” has become the
standard response. We ask, we answer—and then
we go about our day. When that happens, we miss the
opportunity to create an environment where people can
be their whole, authentic selves—including the bad, the
mad, and the sad.
Why does it matter if people tell the truth about
whether or not they’re really fine? Research shows that
when employees feel higher levels of authenticity at work,
they report greater job satisfaction, engagement, and
higher levels of performance.1 This is the case for chil-
dren as well as adults. In fact, when kids share their inner
worlds with their caregivers and feel understood, they
deepen their trust and connection.2
You may be thinking to yourself, But what if someone
isn’t fine? Then what am I supposed to do? You don’t have
to be a professional coach or therapist to be supportive.
In our book, Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame
Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, coauthor Sophie Riegel
and I write that “being emotionally supportive can show
up as listening well, demonstrating understanding, not
judging . . . [and] only offering advice if and when asked.”

38
 Be Someone Others Can Confide In

Beyond that, here are six steps to help someone who

may not feel “fine” to be more likely to share their true
feelings:

1. Ask More Than Once

You’re busy, I’m busy, we’re all busy. But taking the time
to ask someone how they are more than once—especially
if you have an inkling that they might not be doing as
well as they say they are—can make a difference. It can
be as simple as, “I know you said you’re fine when I asked
how you were this morning, but I felt like maybe some-
thing was off, and I just wanted to ask again. How are you
really doing today?” Then follow their lead for how much
(or how little) they might want to share.

2. Ask Something in Addition to

“How Are You?”

After someone responds with, “I’m fine,” you might

press for something like, “What was good about your
weekend?” or “What did you do last night?” Asking for
more details signals that you’re not going to leave the
conversation at a surface level. (And there’s an additional
benefit: Research shows that when we ask follow-up
questions, people like us better.3)

39
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

3. Remember Details About Someone’s

Life, and Check In

When someone responds with, “I’m fine,” you might

want to say, “I’m glad to hear that. I remember you men-
tioned that your dad was having surgery. How is he?” or
“Didn’t you say your geometry test was today? How did
that go?” Then really listen to the response. The goal isn’t
to pry—it’s to let someone know that you’re paying at-
tention, and that you care enough to follow up. If some-
one wants to talk, they’ll let you know. And if they don’t,
they’ll let you know that as well. And if you’re not sure,
inquire, “Is it OK that I asked?” or “Do you want to talk
about it?”

4. Notice Body Language and

Inquire Gently

Every communication has three elements—verbal

(words), vocal (tone of voice), and visual (body language).
When someone says, “I’m fine,” pay attention to more
than their words. Notice the other person’s facial expres-
sions, body positioning, eye contact, and so on. “I’m fine”
with a frown or slumped shoulders might mean some-
thing other than what the words say. Consider saying, “I
know you said you’re fine, and I also see that you’re rub-

40
 Be Someone Others Can Confide In

bing your temples. Anything else going on that you want

to share?” And again, offer to listen without pushing.

5. Model Vulnerability by Sharing When

You’re Not Fine

If you always answer “I’m fine”—even when you’re not—

you’re missing an opportunity to be honest and open,
and to lead the way for others to come clean. When
someone asks you how you’re doing, be willing to tell the
truth. “I must admit, I’m not having the best day,” or “I
wish I could say I’m good, but I have a lot on my mind,”
gives you the opportunity to see how the other person
responds. If they say, “Sorry about that. So, how about
that crazy meeting yesterday, huh?” you might consider
that they’re not yet comfortable being open with you, or
that they have other things on their mind, or that they
just weren’t really listening. But don’t write them off as
uncaring or aloof. You might be modeling a new skill—
being vulnerable—and learning new skills takes time.

6. Create Safe Conditions for Others

to Open Up

It’s one thing to ask someone to open up to you. It’s

another thing to create the conditions that support

41
Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

openness. What can you do to reinforce that you’re a

go-to person who won’t gossip? First, honor confidential-
ity and don’t share what anyone tells you, even in casual
conversation. Second, if you’re truly concerned about
someone’s well-being, address it with them directly.
Third, don’t offer advice unless you’re asked for it. Even
when giving advice feels helpful, it can take away others’
sense of agency and autonomy.4 Fourth, create bound-
aries around situations when someone’s sharing feels as
if you’ve gotten in over your head. You can say some-
thing like, “I am sorry to hear that you’re dealing with
that. I’d like us to find someone who can help you—or
who can help me help you better.” Finally, you can create
a safe condition by respecting someone’s decision not to
open up to you, too. That can sound like, “I respect your
privacy. I’m here if you want to talk—and I won’t pry if
you don’t.” And then, honor your commitment by not
prying (as much as you might really want to).
“I’m fine” can be just that—fine—or it can be an en-
tryway into building a more open, trusting environment
for people (including you) to share how they really feel,
without shame or stigma.

Adapted from “Be a Colleague That Others Can Confide In,” on hbr.org, April 1,
2020 (product #H05IAK).

42
 Section 2

Use Your Words

Turn Adversarial Conversations
into Civil Discourse
 6

How to Make
Sure You’re Heard
in a Difficult
Conversation
by Amy Gallo

Quick Takes

• Use “I” language to share what’s bothering you

• Craft some neutral phrases to ensure you’re heard

• Keep the focus on the problem

• Pay attention to body language

• Step back from the conversation to observe and name

how it’s going off course

45
A
difficult conversation has to be a two-way street,
whether it’s with your teenager or your boss.
You’re unlikely to come to a resolution if you
don’t hear the other person out. But equally important
is getting your message across when you’re addressing
a conflict. So after you’ve thoroughly listened to your
counterpart, you can increase the likelihood that they
will see things your way by taking the following steps.

Own Your Perspective

If you feel mistreated, you may be tempted to launch into

your account of the events: “I want to talk about how
rudely you spoke to me in front of your friends.” But
that’s unlikely to go over well.
Instead, treat your opinion like what it is: your opin-
ion. Start sentences with “I,” not “you.” Say “I’m annoyed
that this project is six months behind schedule,” rather
than “You’ve missed every deadline we’ve set.” This will
help the other person see your perspective and under-
stand that you’re not trying to blame them.

46
 How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

Explain exactly what is bothering you and follow up

by identifying what you hope will happen. You might
say, “I appreciate your ideas, but I’m finding it hard to
hear them because throughout this process, I’ve felt as
if you didn’t respect my ideas. That’s my perception. I’m
not saying that it’s your intention. I’d like to clear the air
so that we can continue to work together to make the
project a success.”
Dorie Clark, author of Reinventing You, says that you
should admit blame when appropriate. “It’s easy to de-
monize your [counterpart]. But you’re almost certainly
contributing to the dynamic in some way, as well,”
Clark says. Admitting your faults will help set a tone
of accountability for both of you, and your counter-
part is more likely to own up to their missteps as well.
If they don’t, and instead seize on your confession and
harp on it—“That’s exactly why we’re in this mess”—
let it go.

Pay Attention to Your Words

Sometimes, regardless of your good intentions, what you

say can make the issue worse. At other times, you might
say the exact thing that helps the person go from boiling
mad to cool as a cucumber. Here are some phrases that
can help make sure you’re heard:

47
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

• “Here’s what I’m thinking.”

• “My perspective is based on the following assump-

tions . . .”

• “I came to this conclusion because . . .”

• “I’d love to hear your reaction to what I just said.”

• “Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?”

• “Do you see the situation differently?”

There are some basic rules, such as avoiding name-

calling and finger-pointing, you can follow to keep from
pushing your counterpart’s buttons.
Your language should be “simple, clear, direct, and
neutral,” says Holly Weeks, author of Failure to Com-
municate. Don’t apologize for your feelings, either. The
worst thing you can do “is to ask your counterpart to
have sympathy for you,” she says. Don’t say things like
“I feel so bad about saying this” or “This is really hard
for me to do,” because it takes the focus away from the
problem and toward your own neediness. While it can
be hard, this language can make your counterpart feel
obligated to focus on making you feel better before mov-
ing on.
Liane Davey, author of You First: Inspire Your Team to
Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done, provides two
additional rules when it comes to what you say:

48
 How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

• Say “and,” not “but.” “When you need to dis-

agree with someone, express your contrary opin-
ion as ‘and.’ It’s not necessary for someone else to
be wrong for you to be right,” Davey says. When
you’re surprised to hear something your counter-
part has said, don’t interject with a “But that’s not
right!” Just add your perspective. Davey suggests
something like this: “You think we need to leave
room in the budget for a customer event, and I’m
concerned that we need that money for employee
training. What are our options?” With your part-
ner, this might sound like “You feel like the current
schedule works well for the family, and I feel like
too much of the extra housework is falling to me.
Can we come up with some alternatives that will
feel equitable to both of us?” This engages your
counterpart in problem-solving, which is inher-
ently collaborative instead of combative.

• Use hypotheticals. Being contradicted doesn’t

feel very good, so don’t try to counter each of your
counterpart’s arguments. Instead, says Davey, use
hypothetical situations that encourage them to be
creative about alternative solutions. “Imagining is
the opposite of defending, so it gets the brain out
of a rut,” she says. She offers this example: “I hear
your concern about getting the right salespeople
to pull off this campaign. If we could get the right

49
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

people . . . what could the campaign look like?”

This works outside of work—even with toddlers.
“I know you don’t want to get dressed for day care
right now. Imagine if I could wave a wand and
your pajamas would magically change into your
school clothes.”

Watch Your Body Language

A lot of people unconsciously convey nonverbal mes-

sages. Are you slumping your shoulders? Rolling your
eyes? Fidgeting with your pen? During your conversa-
tion, pay attention to your facial expression, arms, legs,
and entire body, and take stock of the overall impression
you’re giving.
Do the same for your counterpart. If their nonverbal
cues are sending a different message than what they’re
articulating, ask about it. For example, you might say, “I
hear you saying that you’re fine with this approach, but
it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns. Is that
right? Should we talk those through?”

Change the Tenor of the Conversation

Sometimes, despite your best intentions and all of the

time you put into preparing for the conversation, things

50
 How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

veer off course. You can’t demand that your counterpart

hold the discussion exactly the way you want.
If things get heated, don’t panic. Take a deep breath,
mentally pop out of the conversation as if you’re a fly on
the wall, and objectively look at what’s happening. You
might even describe to yourself (in your head) what’s
happening: “They keep returning to the fact that I made
a mistake.” “When I try to move the conversation away
from what’s gone wrong to what we can do going for-
ward, they keep shifting it back.” Then state what you’re
observing in a calm tone. “It looks as if whenever the
sales numbers come up, you raise your voice.” Suggest
a different approach: “If we put our heads together, we
could probably come up with a way to move past this. Do
you have any ideas?”
If it seems as if you’ve entered into a power struggle in
which you’re no longer discussing the substance of your
conflict but battling over who is right, step back and either
try one of the phrases or questions from the “Pay atten-
tion to your words” section or talk about what’s not work-
ing. Say, “We seem to be getting locked into our positions.
Can we go back to what we’re trying to accomplish and
see if we can brainstorm together some new ideas that
might satisfy both of us?” Here are some other phrases
that help move the conversation along productively:

• “You may be right, and I’d like to understand

more.”

51
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

• “I have a completely different perspective, and at

the same time, you clearly think this is unfair, so
how can we fix this?”

• “I’m not sure how this connects to what we’ve

been talking about. Can you help me make the
connection?”

• “I’d like to give my reaction to what you’ve said so

far and see what you think.”

• “This may be more my perception than yours, but

when you said X, I felt . . .”

• “Is there anything I can say or do that might

convince you to consider other options here?”

You can’t force your counterpart to appreciate, under-

stand, or even just hear your perspective. But using the
tactics above increases the chances. Getting your point
across, coupled with hearing out the other person, is a
necessity if you want to reach a resolution.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, November 9, 2015 (product #H02H89).

52
 7

Eight Ways to
Get a Difficult
Conversation
Back on Track
by Monique Valcour

Quick Takes

• Approach your counterpart as a partner, not an

opponent

• Shift into learning mode

• Share what you’d like to get out of the conversation

• Be curious

• Take responsibility

53
D
espite our best intentions, conversations can fre-
quently veer into difficult territory, producing
frustration, resentment, and wasted time and
effort. Take David, one of my coaching clients. Recently
appointed to a business school leadership role, he was
eager to advance his strategic agenda. Doing so required
building his team members’ commitment to and sense
of ownership over the proposed changes. When people
were slow to step up and take on key tasks and roles,
David felt frustrated by what he saw as their unwilling-
ness to assume responsibility.
For example, when he spoke with Leela, the head of
the school’s specialized online master’s degree programs,
he shared his plan to increase enrollment in these pro-
grams to boost revenue. He believed that the programs
could accommodate 20% more students at the same staff-
ing level with no loss of student satisfaction; Leela dis-
agreed. David argued, and when Leela pushed back with
concerns and counterarguments, he batted them away.
Nothing got resolved. David believed that if he “won” an
argument—through logic, force, or stamina—that meant
his conversational partner had accepted his argument

54
 Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track

and would proceed to act upon their agreement. Instead,

his team members left unconvinced and uncommitted.
David’s conversational inflexibility made it nearly im-
possible for him to lead change. Instead of motivating
and facilitating progress, he exasperated and exhausted
his team.
To have more-effective conversations, he needed to
add more tools to his conversational toolbox and learn to
use them skillfully. David put into practice the following
eight strategies, all of which you can use to get conversa-
tions back on track and then move them forward.

Shift the relationship from opposition

to partnership

In the midst of a difficult conversation, it’s easy to see your

conversational partner as your opponent. Try reposition-
ing yourself—both mentally and physically—to be side
by side with the other person, so that you’re focused on
the same problem. David told me that trying to convince
his team to follow him felt like trying to break into a for-
tified castle. “How are you trying to get in?” I asked. “I’m
trying to break through the wall with a battering ram.
It’s the only way in!” he said. David realized that instead
of approaching conversations like a frontal assault on a
guarded building, it was better to knock politely on the
castle door, where he was more likely to be welcomed

55
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

inside. He now uses the metaphor of “coming around to

the same side of the table” to remind himself to seek to
build an alliance when a conversation gets stuck.

Reframe your purpose from convincing

to learning

Conversations often go off track when we try to get some-

one to adopt our view or approach. When our purpose
is to make another person see things our way, they are
likely to resist—and arguing blocks learning and sends
conversations into a ditch. No matter how well spoken
and logical we may be, we can’t understand and solve the
problem without exploring how the other person sees it.
Whenever David fixated on persuasion as his conver-
sational objective, he became ineffective. As Leela ex-
plained, “There’s a lot David doesn’t understand. It would
be better if he would work with us rather than trying to
ram his plans through, but he doesn’t seem to be inter-
ested in learning about our experience and expertise.”
Consciously shifting into a learning mode helps us gain
the insight we need to be creative, to collaborate, and
to move the conversation forward. Loosen your grip on
your own viewpoint, at least temporarily, so that you can
make space to take in your partner’s. David employs the
mental trick of being a fly on the wall, a neutral, objective
third party who’s witnessing the conversation. From that
mental perch, he’s not trying to convince and he doesn’t

56
 Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track

have the urge to defend his viewpoint. He doesn’t feel in-

vested in either side, so he can accurately see what and
how each is communicating.

Verbalize your intention

Transparency helps facilitate productive conversations.

Share your purpose and what you hope to achieve with
your partner. For example, you might say, “I’d like each
of us to get all of our concerns out on the table, so that we
can be confident we’re not missing anything.” Ask what
they’d like to get out of the conversation. Be explicit, not
just about the topic and desired outcome of the conver-
sation but also about process. For example, David said, “I
want to remain open-minded and nonjudgmental. Will
you let me know if I slip up at this?”

Avoid assumptions

Ask someone who’s just had a difficult conversation what

went wrong, and they’ll likely describe what they believe
was in the other person’s mind: “He’s totally focused on
his own career and couldn’t care less whether the team
succeeds.” Or, “She’s after my job. She wants me to fail.”
The assumptions we make about another person’s in-
tentions usually reveal more about ourselves than about
what’s going on in their mind. Making assumptions also
limits our effectiveness because it prevents us from fully

57
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

understanding the situation and narrows the range of

solutions we consider.

Examine the other person’s perspective with

openness and curiosity

To understand your conversational partner’s perspective,

switch off defensiveness and turn on curiosity. Avoid
asking leading questions such as, “You don’t want to
become known as the difficult person in the office, do
you?” Rather, try asking open-ended questions like these:
“How does this affect you?” “What’s at stake for you?”
“What is this conversation like for you?” “What do I need
to understand?” “What would help us to get on the same
page?” Thank them for their responses without rebutting
what they’ve said.

Acknowledge your part

It’s very easy to identify what the other person has done
wrong, and much harder to identify one’s own contri-
bution to the problem. But acknowledging your part
demonstrates how to take responsibility and encourages
others to do the same. By asking open-ended questions
and listening with detachment, David came to see that
his desire for fast results led him to cut off discussion too
quickly, giving his conversational partners the impres-
sion that he wasn’t interested in their ideas.

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 Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track

Learn your A-BCDs

University of Washington psychologist John Gottman

identified four communication behaviors that derail con-
versations so consistently that he refers to them as “the
four horsemen of the apocalypse.” With a mnemonic
modification to Gottman’s formulation, I teach clients
to avoid torpedoing conversations by “learning your
A-BCDs,” by which I mean learning to Avoid Blame,
Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In the ab-
sence of Leela’s enthusiasm for his plan, David rolled his
eyes with exasperation (an expression of contempt) and
barked, “Oh, come on. How are we supposed to get things
moving if you won’t take on responsibility?” Here he was
blaming her for the delay, while she still felt he hadn’t
heard or responded to her concerns. When she raised her
eyebrows at his outburst, he realized that he’d slipped up
on his stated intention to remain open-minded during
the conversation, which he acknowledged with a self-
deprecating “oops.”
Defensiveness shows up when we deny responsibility
for our own contribution to the difficult conversation.
Leela contended that David should involve an assistant
dean in the planning process. David felt defensive at
what he interpreted as a suggestion that he was cutting
out important players. He said, “If we have to talk with
everyone, we’ll never get anywhere.” By defending his
approach with a blanket statement about how involving

59
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

more people will block progress, he signaled that he’s not

open to input on how to move the process along.
Stonewalling can take a number of forms, including
passivity, avoiding a certain topic, refusal to participate
in or contribute to discussion, or withholding relevant
information. If you find yourself engaging in any of these
behaviors, refocus on what you’re trying to achieve and
remember that examining difficult issues with openness
and curiosity, while sometimes uncomfortable, is key to
having productive conversations. Discuss the four be-
haviors with your team and agree that you’ll hold each
other accountable for avoiding them.

Seek input to problem-solving

Humans are motivated to preserve and protect our self-

image, so feedback can be difficult to receive. We tend
to reject information that threatens our identity (such
as, “The customer reports that you were impatient and
uninformed”) and, therefore, we don’t learn from it.
Executive coach Marshall Goldsmith recommends the
simple and effective practice of “feedforward.” Instead of
digging into what has happened in the past, tell the per-
son what you hope to learn or achieve, and ask them for
their suggestions. For example, David eventually asked
Leela, “What can I do to invite greater participation in
the change process?” She was so surprised the first time
he tried this that it took her a few minutes to respond.

60
 Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track

Then she said, “I think it would help if, before moving to

a decision, you ask if there’s anything else anyone would
like to add and give people time to respond.” David ap-
preciated the suggested tactic and added it to his tool kit.
Practicing any of these techniques will increase your
ability to have productive conversations about even the
most difficult or contentious issues. Then try out a sec-
ond technique. The goal is to incorporate all eight into
your repertoire, increasing your conversational agility
and improving your ability to influence anyone.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 22, 2017 (product #H03NA4).

61
 8

When to Skip
a Difficult
Conversation
by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Quick Takes

• Ask yourself questions to consider whether to delay

or skip

• Avoid the conversation if your answers indicate the

problem will resolve itself

• Delay the conversation if you don’t have details or con-

crete examples

• Focus on the current situation if the problem is part of a

larger issue

63
W
e all occasionally need to give tough feed-
back to employees, colleagues, clients, fam-
ily members, and friends. Yet, no matter
how skilled or experienced we are at it, most of us would
do anything to find a way out. As Douglas Stone, Bruce
Patton, and Sheila Heen explain in their book, Difficult
Conversations, this internal struggle is natural: “If we try
to avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our
feelings will fester . . . and we’ll rob the other person of
the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the
problem, we may be rejected or attacked, we might hurt
the other person in ways we didn’t intend, and the rela-
tionship might suffer.”
In a 2016 Globis survey of more than 200 professionals
on the topic of difficult conversations, 95% were worried
about damaging the other person’s self-esteem, 92% of
respondents said they were concerned about the associ-
ated levels of stress for the other person, and 92% were
fearful of causing upset. And, while 80% of respondents
reported that these conversations were a part of their job,
more than half indicated that they didn’t feel as if they had
adequate training on how to conduct them effectively.1

64
 When to Skip a Difficult Conversation

In my role as an executive coach, I often help clients

overcome their hesitation and anxiety so they’re able to
handle tough but important conversations, at work and
at home, in the right way. But sometimes we discover
that their avoidance instincts are actually valid. Not
every conversation with our boss, our partner, our kid’s
little league coach, or a mother-in-law needs to be had
immediately, had by them, or had at all.
How can you assess whether you’re making a strategic
choice to avoid a difficult conversation or just chickening
out? Here are 12 questions designed to help you consider
what to say, delay, or skip:

1. Based on what I know about this person and

our relationship, what can I realistically hope to
achieve by having the conversation?

2. What is my “secret agenda” or “hidden hope” for

this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge?
That they will change?)

3. What concrete examples do I have to share of how

this issue has shown up?

4. What’s my contribution to the situation?

5. Do I tend to look for problems with this person or

about this issue?

6. Is it already starting to resolve itself?

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Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

7. Have I done a “H.A.L.T.” check—Am I hungry,

angry, lonely, or tired?

8. How long ago did it arise? Is it a repeat or recur-

ring problem? Could it become one?

9. How material is the issue to our relationship or to

the job?

10. How committed am I to being right?

11. What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer?

12. Is this the right person to talk to about this issue?

If your answers tell you that the situation is likely to

resolve itself, that your concern isn’t critical to the rela-
tionship or to your work, that you’re more committed to
placing blame or being right than to really listening or
seeking solutions, or that the appropriate time to address
the problem has passed, then you probably shouldn’t
speak up.
I worked with one leader who was angry about the fact
that she had gone through a time-consuming process to
help her company apply for a prestigious industry award,
only for her boss to take credit when the organization
won. He didn’t even invite her to the awards ceremony.
When we discussed how to confront the problem, she
acknowledged that she had been frustrated with her
boss’s pattern of claiming responsibility for her ideas for

66
 When to Skip a Difficult Conversation

more than five years. But she ultimately decided that she
wouldn’t bring up all those incidents, only the most re-
cent, arguing that she deserved to accompany him to the
event. She also decided that she would continue to ad-
dress these concerns in the moment, rather than letting
her anger build up, poisoning her relationship and her
credibility.
Another leader with whom I worked wanted to talk
to his direct report about being “less defensive” when he
gave her feedback. But when I asked him to identify spe-
cific behaviors, he couldn’t articulate them beyond “it’s
just how I feel when I talk with her.” He therefore de-
cided to delay the conversation until he could offer con-
crete evidence and offer more useful advice on how to do
things differently.
A third leader decided that she should stop trying to
have difficult conversations with her teenage son as soon
as he came home from school when she realized that all
conversations felt challenging between 3 and 4 p.m., re-
gardless of topic. After doing a H.A.L.T. check with him,
she realized that he was hungry and tired right after
school, and wasn’t his most patient, reflective, or rational
self. She also discovered that she, too, was hungry and
tired during that time frame, and so she was more likely
to focus on frustrations. She found a time after dinner
and some TV time when both of them were more relaxed,
and satiated, to bring up touchier topics with less stress.

67
Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

Deciding carefully and strategically about whether to

speak up or let it go isn’t an abdication of responsibility;
it’s taking responsibility for making sure that the mes-
sages you do communicate are delivered for the right
reasons and generate the desired results.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, March 1, 2016 (product #H02OY9).

68
 Section 3

Mentioning the
Unmentionables
Tough Discussions at Work
 9

Communicating
Through a
Personal Crisis
by Sabina Nawaz

Quick Takes

• Be the first to notify people

• Clarify what you want—and don’t want—from your

colleagues

• Pick the communication channel that works for you

• Pay it forward when your crisis is behind you

71
O
ne day amid a flourishing career, you might
find your personal life in crisis and threaten-
ing to upend your professional life. If so, you’re
not alone.
Just before boarding a flight from Boston to London
to meet with a major client, Anique received a call from
her 10-year-old daughter Jasmine, not to wish her bon
voyage but overcome in the throes of a panic attack. This
initiated an 18-month journey through Jasmine’s strug-
gles with acute anxiety.
Rhonda, a senior manager and thought leader in her
field, remembers two life-altering conversations she had
in a single week: “One with the minister and my par-
ents on how to conduct my mother’s impending memo-
rial service. The other was a meeting with my son and
his psychiatrist about how to have a plan for when he is
suicidal.”
Or consider Derek, an executive at a global firm.
“When you’re successful like I’ve been in my career, you
pick positive adjectives for yourself. You don’t use the
word ‘alcoholic,’” he said. With two young kids and a
wife, he felt defeated for the first time.

72
 Communicating Through a Personal Crisis

These are stories related by successful executives

among my coaching clients who have faced family cri-
ses jeopardizing their performance at work. Some have
struggled with a snowballing challenge for years, afraid
to admit the problem and seek help. For others, the
downward spiral was precipitated by a routine trip to the
doctor or an unexpected phone call. They’ve had to over-
come shock, face inconvenient truths, confront shame,
and risk career damage. The tsunami of the triggering
event compounded by consequent emotions spins them
in a vicious cycle and then spits them out to a place of
clarity where they must make choices and communicate
with colleagues.
In-depth interviews with several clients, the chal-
lenges revealed by others during coaching conversations,
and my own experiences with adversity persuade me
that every individual’s situation and their response to it
is unique. All together, these stories point to two effective
tactics we can employ to juggle work, a crisis, our fami-
lies, and ourselves.

Manage the Flow of Information

One of the first decisions involves how to communicate

our circumstances to coworkers and how much to dis-
close. If the issue is in the open, such as a family death

73
Tough Discussions at Work

that is covered in the news, or visible, as when an indi-

vidual goes through aggressive cancer treatment, we
want to be the first to notify people at work. Initially we
may be tempted to shroud seemingly shameful or simply
private issues in secrecy, but these challenges are com-
mon to the human condition and empathetic colleagues
can be a tremendous support. Being the first to provide
information also helps us ensure its accuracy.
Some individuals want to openly discuss issues such
as mental illness to help address the stigma that accom-
panies these widespread struggles. However, when one of
our loved ones is suffering, we must also consider their
privacy. What’s more, revealing a child’s condition might
make colleagues think we’re going to be less reliable, dis-
tracted from work, and unable to put in the hours. We
also want to be mindful that sharing an ongoing issue is
different from revealing our past. Raw and evolving emo-
tions can elicit awkwardness from others who may resort
to giving us unsolicited special treatment. Some confi-
dences are best shared only with our closest coworkers,
those who will notice changes in our performance and
may need to understand and provide accommodations.
Managers have additional considerations. As Rhonda
said, “I think there can be a danger of oversharing, espe-
cially as a boss.” Less specificity, such as, “Thank you for
asking, I’ll share more later,” can work for others.
Follow similar guidelines at home when you decide
what to disclose. Communicating with children merits

74
 Communicating Through a Personal Crisis

special consideration. Aside from obvious factors such as

your children’s ages, first discuss choices with your part-
ner and start with values you both embrace. We learned
of my husband’s brother’s death after our kids were
asleep. We agreed to wait until morning when I would
share the news with them. We wanted to be transparent
with our children about what happened and to give them
space to mourn their loss. Because I delivered the news,
they didn’t feel pressure to console their dad before pro-
cessing their own emotions.

Clarify Your Preferences

and Expectations

When disclosing our challenges, we want to be clear

about what we do or don’t want from people. For exam-
ple, “I’m overwhelmed and unable to process advice or
offers for help; the best thing you can do for me is sim-
ply listen.” Nonnegotiables need to be clear to everyone,
such as the day care pickup time when you have cus-
tody of your kids. We determine what medium to use
for communication. When Natalya faced the death of a
loved one by suicide, she told only two people at work
directly, followed by an email to her group. In the email,
she asked that others continue to treat her as they had
previously because it was too painful for her to discuss
the situation.

75
Tough Discussions at Work

Many have told me that working helped during a se-

rious challenge if they could set boundaries to address
immediate needs and their emotional well-being. Ac-
cording to Rhonda, “Work was an opportunity to con-
trol things when lots was going on that I couldn’t control.
Work had an accomplishable side to it.” If you need time
off from work, whether to care for someone else or for
your own health, make a clear request and you will often
get what you ask for. “Nobody ever questioned when I
needed time to be with my family, which was my biggest
ask,” Natalya said.
Most of my interviewees advocate professional ther-
apy for themselves and their children, and they also
speak of it openly to break the taboo around it. In fact,
the insights offered here aren’t substitutes for the support
of a mental health practitioner, which I am not. Please
consult with one if your challenge merits professional at-
tention. Teletherapy has made this more convenient than
ever, even for the busiest among us.
What lies on the other side of a family crisis? Some
hardships pass, some become part of our new normal,
and many bring us to a better place than before. Most of
my clients who have gone through these rough patches
say this is the healthiest they’ve been, others have been
promoted at work, and several believe their relationships
are stronger than ever. Once they’re no longer in the
clutches of these challenges, they pay it forward, through
small acts of kindness, mentorship and sponsorship, or

76
 Communicating Through a Personal Crisis

simply showing up to listen, without judgment. “The

more we recognize that the people we’re working with
all have to deal with these things from time to time,”
Rhonda shared, “the more compassionate it makes us,
the more humane the workplace becomes.”

Adapted from “Working Through a Personal Crisis,” on hbr.org, July 6, 2020

(product #H0500J).

77
 10

When You Need

to Take Time Off
Work for Mental
Health Reasons
by Barbara Ricci

Quick Takes

• Read up on the law and your company’s policies to

understand your rights

• Share only the necessary details with your boss

and/or HR

• Consider how much you’ll share with colleagues when

you return

• Develop a brief and consistent narrative to address

questions

• Give yourself time to get used to your medication and

your return to work

• Create—and stick to—a routine to ease your reentry

79
P
ersonal health should be a private matter. But
when you need to take time off from work due to
a mental health condition, often it isn’t possible
to maintain that privacy. As a board member at the Na-
tional Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), and a former
managing director at two global banks (UBS and Deut-
sche Bank), I’ve been approached by hundreds of col-
leagues and clients over the past 30 years seeking advice
for themselves or a colleague, friend, or family member
on how best to manage professional life while dealing
with a mental health condition themselves or caring for
a loved one who is. Here is what I usually tell them.

Prepare for Leave

Taking time off from work to address a mental health sit-

uation is more common than it may appear. Just because
you don’t know of anyone else at your company who has
taken time off for mental health reasons doesn’t mean
there isn’t a precedent. Diagnosable mental health con-
ditions impact one in five Americans in any given year.1
Treatment for the most common conditions (namely

80
 When You Need to Take Time Off for Mental Health Reasons

depression) is effective 80% of the time, but fewer than

half of the people who need help get it, often because of
social stigma, the fear of repercussions at work, or lack of
access to quality, affordable care.2
While workplace culture is not the cause of an illness,
certain cultures, especially those that require employees
to work long hours in sedentary conditions, can make an
illness difficult to manage. Lack of adequate sleep, an in-
ability to maintain an exercise routine, loss of time with
friends and loved ones, or substance misuse can lead to
deteriorating mental health, which can make it hard to
keep up at work.

Communicate your need

If you need to take a leave of absence, ideally you’d be

able to calmly inform your manager or HR department
that you need to go on leave, while sharing only a mini-
mal amount of information and keeping your diagnosis
private. For a longer-term disability leave, as opposed to
a normal sick leave, your doctor will likely need to pro-
vide documentation to your firm’s disability insurance
provider. The disability provider acts as an intermedi-
ary between you and your employer and does not share
your diagnosis with your employer. The provider would
then evaluate information about your health status and
make recommendations regarding when you can return
to work.

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Tough Discussions at Work

Know your rights

It’s important to know your rights and your compa-

ny’s policies. In the United States, the Americans with
Disabilities Act (ADA) makes it illegal to discriminate
against an employee with a mental health issue.3 Many
conditions, such as bipolar disorder, major depression,
and post-traumatic stress, are covered under the ADA,
but it does not provide blanket protection. The federal
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
provides guidance on the rights and obligations of em-
ployers and employees and can be a good source of infor-
mation for those in the United States.4

Manage Your Return

Once you’ve negotiated your leave and gotten the help

you need, how will you return to work? What do you tell
your coworkers? Your boss? How do you get back into the
swing of things without compromising your health? Of
course, no two paths will be the same.

Decide what to disclose

Start by weighing the pros and cons of being open about

a diagnosis. Many people have physical or mental health
issues and opt not to tell their coworkers or employers

82
 When You Need to Take Time Off for Mental Health Reasons

about them. The law is on your side here. The EEOC says
the returning employees may keep their diagnosis pri-
vate in most situations. But, of course, your manager may
already know about your condition if you involved them
in taking the leave of absence.
In my experience, there are typically two types of peo-
ple who will disclose, despite the fear of prejudice or dis-
crimination at work. The first group includes those who
want to bring their whole selves to work and don’t want
to hide. The second group includes leaders, either in title
or in practice, who understand that openly acknowledg-
ing their diagnosis can shed a positive light on what it
means to work with someone with a mental, or invisible,
disability.

Prepare for questions

Regardless of whether you disclose, prepare for col-

leagues’ questions about your absence. A brief and con-
sistent narrative will help you stay focused on readjusting
to work. You might say something like, “I took time off
for health [or personal] reasons, but things are fine now
and I’m happy to be back to work.”

Set the right schedule

Consider whether you should go back full-time right

away or part-time at first. Dealing with a mental illness

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can be exhausting, so give yourself the time you need.

Reintegrate into your larger social circle with the same
measured pace. And consider the impact of any medica-
tions you might be taking. Some might make you drowsy,
so see if you can shift your hours to avoid working at your
most tiring periods. Over time, your psychiatrist may
want to adjust your medications to optimally manage
your brain chemistry. It can be days, weeks, or months
before you and your doctor can tell if the medication and
dosage are right for you. During this transition time, you
may experience physical reactions or mood swings.

Create a mantra

Develop a personal mantra to help you transition back:

“Be compassionate to myself.” “I’m on a learning curve.”
“Take it a few hours at a time.” Rely on your support
system—an empathetic family member, a close friend, a
doctor or therapist, and perhaps a trusted colleague at
work. They can provide insight into your behavior that
can prevent the onset or reduce the seriousness of your
illness.

Develop a routine

Stick to a routine, whenever possible. Find a quiet place

where you can take short breaks, or even meditate, dur-
ing the day. Before you go home, make a brief list of the

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 When You Need to Take Time Off for Mental Health Reasons

next day’s priorities. Think through how you will man-

age business travel that involves crossing time zones; jet
lag can cause backsliding. In the evening, jot down a few
positive things that happened during the day. Journal-
ing can help you track your moods and behavior and can
help your psychiatrist calibrate your medications.

Recognize warning signs

To prevent setbacks, learn to recognize the early warning

signs. Are you stressed, anxious, or getting into conflicts
at work? Keep in mind that there is a difference between
a bad day and relapsing.
Finally, if you want to have a conversation with your
boss or colleagues about your health, do it on your terms,
when work is going well and you are in an unemotional
state. You might make yourself more vulnerable with
those you trust, but being able to share your diagnosis
can help dispel myths and reduce stigma. Talking about
mental health, just as one would talk about physical
health, sends a powerful message that it’s OK to get help.

When You’re Taking a Leave to Support

a Family Member

Family members are often the first to realize when

someone has a problem. When a loved one experiences

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a mental illness, support from family is important. You

may find you need to take sick leave in order to step into
the timely and extensive caregiving role for a partner,
child, or other family member. Disclosing the reason be-
hind your leave request to your employer compromises
the ill family member’s right to privacy, yet the stress you
experience as caregiver can be easier to manage when
you can talk to trusted people who understand your
experience. I recommend that people join peer-led sup-
port groups for family members such as those offered by
the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) to seek
support and understanding, and learn about valuable
resources.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, March 27, 2018 (product #H048KW).

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 11

Asking for an
Extended Leave
for a Family Issue
by Denise M. Rousseau

Quick Takes

• Prepare your request by clarifying your goals

• Learn about policies and precedents

• Consider how your work will be covered

• Adopt a problem-solving approach when you negotiate

with your boss

• Confirm the time frame and how or if you’ll communicate

• Document your agreement—and have your boss sign

off on it

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W
hether a family member is facing a health
issue where they require your assistance,
you want to go back to school, or you need
to step back from work for another personal reason, lots of
people negotiate leaves. Asking for a leave can be daunt-
ing, especially when there is no clear process in place at
your organization. How will your boss respond? What is
company policy? Can you ask for only a few weeks or a
month off, or is it possible to take a year? How will this
affect your career in the organization?
Extended leaves are part and parcel of what are known
in academia as idiosyncratic deals (i-deals, for short),
special conditions of employment granted to an individ-
ual employee that differ from what their coworkers have.
Having researched special deals like extended leaves for
20 years, I know it’s possible to reach an agreement for
extended leave—and make it work for you, your com-
pany, and even for your boss and coworkers.
There are two primary types of leave requests: ex-
tended leaves you can anticipate and plan for and un-
planned requests in response to sudden family demands.
The biggest difference between the two is whether you
have time to prepare to negotiate.

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 Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

Two important features of negotiating a leave are what

you can learn about your company and its policies and
culture before you ask, and what your company, and
especially your boss, knows about you and your con-
tributions. Putting this information together forms the
building blocks of a negotiation process.

When There’s Time to Plan Your

Leave Request: Three Phases of
the Negotiation

Let’s talk about the three phases of extended leave nego-

tiations—preparation, negotiation, and implementation.

Prepare

The critical first step of leave negotiation is prep. Get

yourself ready by reflecting on your goals and gathering
information.

• What are your goals? What do you want to

achieve? For example, do you need to recover from
stress, have more time for family, or create con-
centrated time for studying or a passion project?
What arrangements can help you do so? Talk with
friends, family, and trusted colleagues about pos-
sible arrangements that could realize your goals.

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Tough Discussions at Work

Is a month enough or do you need a year? Is there

some middle ground? Think about where you need
to be firm and where you might be flexible in your
negotiation.

• What precedents exist? The onus is on you to

gather information about company policy and
precedents. Have other leaves been granted before?
Tap your network to identify and talk with people
who were granted leaves. Ask your contacts for de-
tails on how they made the deal and what they did
to manage it. How well did it work out? A boss who
is reluctant to be the first to grant extended leave
can take cover and comfort from hearing about
prior successful arrangements. But your boss may
not know what deals others have made, so you’ll
need to scope out the kinds of leaves and flexibility
others in the company have been granted. If there
is no precedent, look at organizational policies that
could be tweaked to address your request. A classic
example of this is the engineer who wanted to take
a year off to do underwater photography of coral
reefs—so his boss gave him “educational leave.” If
the concept of “leave” already exists in your orga-
nization, it opens the door for yours.

• What can be done to reduce the burdens on

your coworkers and boss? Given your current
responsibilities, think about how your duties can

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 Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

be covered in your absence. What can you finish

now? What can be postponed until later? What
else can be done to pick up the slack? Talk with
your close coworkers to brainstorm ideas and
problem solve. The timing of your request matters.
Leaves are often easier to request soon after you
have completed a big project or delivered an im-
portant outcome. Your contributions are more vis-
ible then—and your boss may feel he or she owes
you. Try to avoid making your request in the busy
season or when your boss and your department is
working at capacity.

Negotiate

With a clear goal and information on policies and prece-

dents, you’re ready to talk to your boss. When your rela-
tionship is good and the trust between you is high, the
negotiation process is easier and can be more of a con-
versation framed around solving a problem. If your rela-
tionship with your boss isn’t great, it’s not uncommon to
shop around for internal opportunities that would allow
you to report to a manager you think would be more
supportive.

• Adopt a problem-solving approach. Frame the

conversation with your boss around your desire to
remain with the organization while needing to deal

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with your family or personal concerns. Provide

enough information regarding the challenge you’re
facing so the reality of your needs is clear, but don’t
say more than you are comfortable with. Convey
your commitment to the organization in the long
term, and explain how granting a leave will make
your future with the company possible.

• Seek win-win or win–no lose solutions. If possible,

provide advance notice of your need for leave. Cre-
ating a window of opportunity for planning and
adjusting helps make problem solving easier, allows
you to consider the impact of your leave on your
team, reduces burdens for others, and shows your
organizational commitment and sense of responsi-
bility. Win-win solutions often involve discussions
with coworkers about timing and possible arrange-
ments to help the organization manage without
you. Your goal is an arrangement that leads your
employer to agree to your request and brings you
the flexibility you need.

• Check for differences in assumptions. Clarify

boundaries and time limits associated with the
deal you negotiate with your boss. Confirm the
time frame involved, whether you will have con-
tact with the organization in the interim, and your
availability to support colleagues if need be.

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 Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

• Manage the message. Work with your manager

on a communication plan. Figure out what you
and your boss are going to say to others regarding
your leave and who needs to know what when. If
the time frame is clear, say so. If you have agreed
to remain accessible to coworkers in need of your
support while you are away, explain how this
should happen (such as preferred communication
channel, hours of day you anticipate being more
available, and so on).

• Keep a written record. Because memories are fal-

lible, take the initiative to write an email to your
boss summarizing what you both have agreed to.
To check for understanding, ask them to indicate if
they have any corrections or clarifications.

Take Your Leave

How your leave is actually implemented and the relation-

ships you maintain during it will shape whether it real-
izes the goals you had for it. Implementation also shapes
the leave’s benefits and costs for you in the long term.

• Manage your relationship with your coworkers.

Stay in regular contact with your coworkers while
on leave, if possible. By remaining accessible, you
provide support to help your coworkers through

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Tough Discussions at Work

your absence. This contact also reinforces your per-

sonal relationships with colleagues and helps you
appreciate the organizational situation to which
you will ultimately return.

• Manage your relationships with your boss. Staying

in touch with your manager while you are on leave
signals that you plan to return and are committed
to the organization. Maintaining contact can re-
duce the likelihood you’ll be discounted in future
decisions regarding training or assignments and
smooth your return to work.

• Prepare for reentry. Coworkers can come to

occupy different roles while you’re out, making
it less likely the job you return to is the one you left.
Organizations will differ regarding whether your
old job has been “saved” or whether you’ll reenter
in a new position. Sometimes there are changes
to leadership, and your immediate manager may
no longer be your boss. So, when you return, do
the things you would do if you were new to the
organization: Talk to as many different coworkers
as you can to get up to speed. Reorient yourself to
the organization; take the initiative to learn how
your boss and colleagues understand your (new)
role and what they might need from you.

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 Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

When Your Need for Leave Surprises

Even You

What if you are blindsided by a family need? Let’s say a

grandparent comes down with a serious illness and needs
full-time care or your child’s day care closes suddenly. In
the case of an unanticipated need for extended leave, the
request process will be shorter—you will make your re-
quest using the information you have in hand. But even
without a ton of notice or prep, you can make a request
that clearly states your need and why your organization
should support it.

• Frame the request around your need and future

commitment to the organization. Tell your boss or
company contact person what your needs are and
the likely duration of the leave—a week or two (for
example, until your day care reopens) or a month
or more (such as when you’re dealing with the
uncertainty of a family member’s illness). Convey
the urgency of your need (giving only the details
you feel comfortable providing). Offer assurances
of your commitment to the organization and your
colleagues, but don’t overpromise.

• Indicate how you might manage the leave’s

duration. Given your leave’s suddenness, your

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Tough Discussions at Work

hands may be tied regarding the help you can

give to reduce disruptions. Being realistic about
how much time you need will help avoid mixed
signals. Setting a specific point—say, two weeks
or a month—when you’ll purposefully check in
with your boss about the status of your emergency
may help allay concerns about lack of certainty of
the length of your leave. And if the leave must be
indefinite, as in the case of serious family illness, it
is better to say so.

• Check in—but respect the real constraints you

face. Your personal bandwidth in dealing with an
urgent family need is probably more limited than
if you’d had advance time to prepare. So be it. You
may need to disengage from work more completely.
If you’re able to check in with your boss and col-
leagues, even briefly, it eases your return.

What If the Answer Is No?

What is your best alternative if you are not granted a leave

of absence? Recall the goal of your leave and consider
how you might still meet it in some way. Do you need
to quit? Shortchange your home responsibilities? Shelve
your novel project for a better, later time? Or burn your-

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 Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

self out working extra hours in every arena of your life to

meet your personal and professional commitments?
If your leave request is not granted and reduced hours
won’t help you meet your goal, pivot and lobby for the
flexibility you need—“no” can sometimes mean “maybe.”
You can also escalate to look for support elsewhere—
from HR or senior leaders. The latter option has some
political risks, so be savvy about who to talk with and
how your request can be a win-win.
Last, you can offer to quit. This is a card you probably
can only play once a job, but if getting an extended leave
really is important to you, this can give you leverage—or
provide evidence that this isn’t the best employer for you.
Consider how you frame quitting. “I am sorry to say this,
but I might have to quit this job . . .” is very different from
“If I don’t get leave, I am out of here!” If this is your last
resort, try to introduce this last, most dire option in a
way that will preserve your reputation and your relation-
ship with your boss, coworkers, and the organization.

Everyone Needs a Leave Sometime

Asking for what you need is a life skill—on the job, at

home, in any realm of your life. Negotiating and joint
problem solving are the best way forward to realizing
your goals. It is normal to craft your work situation

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Tough Discussions at Work

much as you do your home life: to meet your needs

and build good relationships. In your daily interactions
at work, you are gathering intelligence about how the
organization functions, what others care about, and your
own goals and concerns. You can put that intelligence to
use—whether you anticipate needing a leave or the need
for leave finds you.

Adapted from “How to Ask for an Extended Leave from Work,” on hbr.org,
February 16, 2021 (product #H066YQ).

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 Section 4

Table Talk
Tough Discussions with Your Family
 12

How to Negotiate
with Your Kids
by Mary C. Kern and Terri R. Kurtzberg

Quick Takes

• Sidestep emotions and recognize repetitive arguments

• Prepare like you would for a negotiation at work

• Know what you’re trying to accomplish

• Ask questions

• Present ideas in ways that appeal

101
Y
ou’re going to negotiate with your kids today,
probably multiple times. According to one infor-
mal survey of 2,000 parents, we negotiate with
our children an average of six times a day (lasting about
eight minutes each, or 24 hours a month).1
Unfortunately, parents often feel that these negotia-
tions don’t go well. In our experience as social scientists,
professors, and with our own kids—as well as through
discussions with hundreds of parents while researching
our book Negotiating at Home: Essential Steps for Reach-
ing Agreement with Your Kids—we heard story after story
of parents who were highly effective at the conference
table but less so around the dinner table. One successful
executive explained that he routinely received compli-
ments on his negotiation skills at work, but at home he
often found himself resorting to “Go ask your mother!”
when faced with an irrational, shortsighted third-grader.
When reminded that he often negotiated with irrational,
shortsighted business clients, he was perplexed.

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 How to Negotiate with Your Kids

Stumbling in Negotiations at Home

Why does this happen to people who can execute high-

stakes deals, who can persuade their colleagues to take
new points of view, and who can handle conversations
about raises and promotions with ease? Three challenges
of negotiating with our children stand out:

• Emotion. Our kids reach for different tools than

our colleagues—guilt trips, meltdowns, playing
one parent off the other—in no small part because
they know they can’t get fired, and neither can we!
We also let ourselves act and react in more extreme
ways than we would in the office. Successful nego-
tiators at work know how to stay focused on the
problem and not get sidetracked by interpersonal
dynamics.

• Repetition. We engage in the same conversa-

tions—bedtime, screen time, mealtime—again and
again, and thus fall into patterns and ruts in the
ways we respond. At work, negotiations are more
contained and don’t tend to carry over as much
from one situation to the next.

• Preparation. Because they’re unannounced, be-

cause they’re with our kids, and because they’re
often over everyday things like chores and dessert,

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we don’t tend to plan for these negotiations or pre-

pare psychologically. At work, we can often antici-
pate a negotiation, and so do our due diligence and
prepare ahead of time.

The problem isn’t that professional negotiation skills

don’t apply at home—it’s that we’re not using them. In
fact, bringing your professional expertise home can un-
lock unrealized value in your negotiations with your
kids. Working parents especially need to get to win-
win agreements, which are those that protect the main
interests of both sides. Time and energy are precious,
and these agreements solve immediate problems, pre-
vent their recurrence, strengthen your relationships, and
enhance your family time. Here are some strategies to
reach them.

Know What You’re Really Here

to Accomplish

At work, we are generally clear with ourselves about what

we want out of a situation and see reaching our overarch-
ing goal as a problem to be solved. At home, we get mired
in specific positions and power struggles, which can dis-
tract us from being open to more productive solutions.
Think of the parent who successfully haggled with her
child about wearing a hat outside. When my daughter

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 How to Negotiate with Your Kids

didn’t want to wear her hat and had that look on her face
that told me she was prepared to go to the mat over this, I
instead proposed a game of Little Red Riding Hood. I told
her my own scarf would be the hood and that I would get
to be the star, upon which she begged to wear it.
Instead of either just giving in or engaging in a
winner-take-all battle of “hat or no hat,” the parent real-
ized that her central interest was keeping the child’s head
warm. Knowing what’s most important, and what you
can or cannot live without in an agreement, will help you
stay true to your “north star” instead of getting stuck on
any one idea.

Ask Questions to Fill in the Gaps

Nobody knows your kids better than you do. This is

tremendously useful for negotiations, but since we can
never fully know what’s going on with another person
in any given moment, this also creates a blind spot. My
child and I butted heads over a donut. He wanted the
whole donut all at once, while I wanted to give him half
first, and the second half if he still wanted it. It was ugly,
and I finally gave in out of exasperation.
If we had a disagreement like this at work, we would
likely ask the colleague why they cared so much about
it, but the parent skipped this step. When he offered the
donut in two halves, he failed to account for the value

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his child placed on being able to bite into a giant, whole

donut. Had he asked for his child’s perspective, it might
have changed the interaction in tone at least, if not in
behavior. Offering the chance to participate and ex-
plain his side would also have helped inspire a sense of
fair play.

Use the Right Approach at

the Right Time

Every executive knows that some battles don’t need to be

fought at all, some might be strategically postponed, and
others just need a firm decision made at the top. Parents
similarly would benefit from choosing the right strategy
for the right moment instead of engaging thoughtlessly.
The same approach might land very differently as your
kids grow up (or even based on whether they’re hungry
at that moment).
Decide when to disengage entirely (I knew nothing
good was going to come of continuing the conversation at
that point, so I said we needed to table it until later) and
when to spend the time trying to better grasp the situa-
tion. And while “Because I said so!” is the right answer
sometimes, if used too often our kids start to tune it (and
you) out. Explaining how decisions get made can greatly
increase compliance and goodwill.

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 How to Negotiate with Your Kids

Present Ideas in Ways That Appeal

Effective managers know that it’s not just what you say,
but how you say it. Busy parents can minimize conten-
tious back-and-forth by crafting their statements to pave
the way toward acceptance.

Go first. Much of your conversation will consist of offers

and counteroffers, so use these to signal your own inter-
ests and your insight into their interests. State offers early
in the negotiation to anchor the rest of the conversation
by setting expectations and orienting subsequent coun-
teroffers. Offering a 10 p.m. curfew usually means my son
asks for 11 in response, and we settle on 10:30. If he got
to go first, he’d ask for midnight and then we’d end up
settling at 11!

Embed choice. Instead of a single offer, two or three

choices, framed in terms of their priorities, make it eas-
ier for your kids to say yes. Choice gives a sense of control
over both the process and the outcome. A parent order-
ing takeout mastered this technique: I announced where
we would be ordering from instead of opening the floor for
debate but allowed each child to choose a dish. This one
small change sidestepped an ongoing moment of tension
in our house.

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Tough Discussions with Your Family

Highlight reference points. We consider offers not in

isolation but as compared to other alternatives. For ex-
ample, an item on sale seems like a great deal in no small
part because of the larger (original) price tag. This works
because as compared to the “it could have been worse”
option, the proposed option seems more palatable. I told
my teen that her actions could have resulted in a much
more severe punishment, but that I would go easy on her
and reduce it.

Address fairness. “It’s not fair!” is a common refrain,

but kids’ assumptions that fairness is based on every-
thing being exactly equal can be overly simplistic and
limiting.  While splitting the cookie between siblings
right down the middle is generally a good practice, per-
haps the 4-year-old shouldn’t get as much dessert as the
teenager. Nor should the two kids split the last piece of
cake in half if one prefers the icing and the other the
cake. In our house, we created a word—“unfaired”—to
describe that feeling of injustice. When our kids use it, we
can recognize that we understand why something might
feel unfair to them and then analyze why something might
be fair even if it wasn’t equal.

Don’t do all the talking. Silence can be a powerful tool.

It can both help you avoid making unilateral concessions
(like increasing your offers prematurely) and give your
child a chance to contribute. My son wanted to take the

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 How to Negotiate with Your Kids

trolley back to the hotel after lunch, but I said I wanted

to walk back to take advantage of the nice day. Instead of
immediately overruling him, I paused. He then suggested
that we walk in the opposite direction to get in a longer
walk and take a longer trolley ride back.

• • •

Successful managers know how to prioritize their goals,

ask good questions, and put offers on the table in ways
that inspire creativity and generate agreements that both
sides want to say yes to. These same skills can help work-
ing parents (especially with today’s increased at-home
hours) create positive outcomes with their kids to both
help navigate difficult moments and model effective
problem-solving skills. Your kids continue to grow, and
so must your skill set. And by practicing with your en-
trenched, passionate, persistent toddlers and teens, your
kids may even make you better at your job.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 29, 2020 (product #H05MY1).

109
 13

Help Your Partner

Cope with
Work Stress
by Rebecca Knight

Quick Takes

• Give your partner your undivided attention

• Be compassionate—not competitive

• Ask probing questions

• Consider the difference between sporadic and

chronic stress

• Encourage your spouse to develop their support

network

• Create a haven

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H
ome is a sanctuary from work stress, right? Not
always. Even if you are able to leave your projects
and worries at the office, your spouse may have
difficulty doing so—and that stress can rub off on you.
How can you help your partner cope? What’s the best
thing to say when your partner starts complaining—and
what should you not say? Is there a way to help them see
things differently? And how can you set boundaries so
that home can be a haven again?

What the Experts Say

Dealing with stress is a fact of working life. And when

you’re half of a dual-career couple, you have both your
own stress to manage and your significant other’s stress
as well. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, according to
Jennifer Petriglieri, assistant professor of organizational
behavior at INSEAD. “Two careers can mean twice the
stress, but it can also mean twice the empathy and under-
standing,” she says. What’s more, she adds, helping your
partner learn to cope with stress helps you cope with it

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 Help Your Partner Cope with Work Stress

better, too. “When a couple is good at managing stress, it

makes them [as individuals] more resilient.” The key, says
John Coleman, coauthor of the book Passion and Pur-
pose, is to move away from the notion that “you’re two
individuals managing stress” and move toward the idea
that “you’re partners managing it together.” Your goal, he
adds, is to “become a constructive outlet” for your spouse.
So, whether your significant other is stressing over a con-
flict with their boss, looming layoffs, or a crazy-making
client, here are some pointers on how to help.

Listen

When your partner gets home from work and begins re-
counting their latest office irritation, many of us tend to
“only half-listen” to them, Petriglieri says. “It’s 7 p.m.—
you’re trying to make dinner and the kids are around—
and so you nod and say, ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.’” But
that’s likely to leave your partner even more frustrated.
Instead, she suggests, “give your partner your undivided
attention.” Listen and “really focus on what your part-
ner is saying.” Don’t interrupt. “It’s quite likely that your
partner just needs to rant for three minutes and get
something off their chest,” she says. Don’t offer advice—
at least not yet, Coleman says. “You don’t always need to
be a problem solver,” he adds. “Sometimes your partner
just needs to be heard.”

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Tough Discussions with Your Family

Offer support

It’s critical to “show engagement in what your partner is

saying,” Coleman says. “Don’t just look at them with a
fixed stare.” Instead, “say supportive things and use sup-
portive language.” Empathize and sympathize, but don’t
compare your stress to your spouse’s. “When your part-
ner starts complaining, don’t say, ‘Oh, you think your
day was bad, listen to what I had to deal with!’ It doesn’t
help anything.” Stress endurance is not a competition.
Still, it’s not always easy to provide on-demand support
and encouragement, and sometimes “you are not men-
tally ready to deal with your partner’s problems,” he says.
If it’s an inopportune time, Petriglieri suggests, offer to
“follow up on the conversation later in the evening, the
next day, or even at the weekend.” The important thing
is that you “leave the door open to further conversation.”

Play career coach (judiciously)

“The benefit of having a spouse is that they know you as

well as you know yourself”—maybe even a little better,
Coleman says. “So if you get a sense that your partner is
misreading a situation at work or heading in the wrong
direction, you need to say something.” He suggests “ask-
ing good questions that will broaden” your significant
other’s perspective. Try probing but nonthreatening

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 Help Your Partner Cope with Work Stress

lines of inquiry, such as, “‘What makes you think that’s

the case?’ Or, ‘Is there a situation in which a different
response would be warranted?’ Sometimes you have to
help your partner identify a blind spot,” he says. Offer
advice—but be gentle about it, Petriglieri says. She rec-
ommends saying something like, “‘I have a suggestion on
a path forward. Can I share it?’ It takes the heat out of
what you have to say.”

Reflect

It’s also important to be aware of the type of stress your

partner is experiencing, according to Petriglieri. There
are two kinds of work stress. “There’s sporadic stress,
which is the result of a bad meeting or a client project
gone awry,” and there’s “chronic stress, which bubbles
under the surface” for a prolonged period. Chronic stress,
she says, is a signal that your significant other may “be in
the wrong place.” It’s the “classic boiling frog syndrome,”
she adds. To wit, you need to “notice your partner’s at-
titude, mood, and patterns,” and help them reflect on
their career and professional path. “Ask, ‘How are things
going? Are you where you want to be? Are you satisfied?’”
Granted, these questions are fodder “for a longer, mean-
ingful conversation that’s more appropriate for a night
out or a long walk on the beach.” But if your spouse is
struggling, you need to be on top of it.

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Encourage outside friendships and interests

Yet, “you cannot be the sole repository for your partner’s

stress,” Coleman says. “Typically, partners are the ones
we rely on the most. But relying on each other too much
can sour a relationship.” That’s why you need to “help
your partner have a life outside of home and work,” he
says. “Create a third space. Give them the freedom and
space to pursue things they enjoy—such as a hobby or a
sport.” It’s also critical that both of you maintain an “out-
side support network” of “folks who can help you work
through” professional challenges and serve as sounding
boards and sources of counsel. Encourage your spouse
to “keep up existing relationships” and “cultivate new
friendships and connections,” Petriglieri says. It might
also be worthwhile to “encourage your partner to see
a therapist or work with a career coach,” she adds. “It
could push [your spouse’s] development forward.” Bear
in mind, though, the therapist or coach ought to be “a
complement, not a substitute” for you.

Decompress together

Finally, cultivate “your home as a haven,” Coleman says.

This is easier said than done. The ubiquity of mobile
phones and laptop computers and the 24/7 nature of work
are big obstacles. That’s why “you and your spouse need
to practice good mobile device habits,” he says. “There

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need to be times of day where you both put down your

mobile phones; you need to draw a distinction of when a
work device can be used at home.” He also suggests help-
ing your partner “develop a good end-of-work habit.” It
could be encouraging them to listen to an audiobook or
music or just take a walk at the end of the workday. “You
both need time to decompress.”

Adapted from “How to Help Your Spouse Cope with Work Stress,” on hbr.org,
August 20, 2018 (product #H04I6P).

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 14

What You Should

Tell Your Kids About
Finding a Career
by James M. Citrin

Quick Takes

• Encourage your kids to discover their strengths and in-

terests and learn marketable skills early on

• Advise them to develop a reputation and make meaning-

ful contributions to their organization after a few years in
the workforce

• Promote their understanding of the trade-offs between

job satisfaction, lifestyle, and money

• Help them cultivate a relationship mindset

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A
fter board dinners, we inevitably sit around and
talk about our kids and their careers,” Dave Cal-
houn recently told me. “Frankly, we’re often at a
loss with how to help them.” If someone with Calhoun’s
experience has trouble with this—he’s chairman of Niel-
sen’s board, sits on the boards of Boeing and Caterpillar,
and is on the management committee at Blackstone—I
know he can’t be alone.
It’s difficult to advise kids about how careers really
work today and how to get any job, much less a great job.
All parents love their kids and want to set them up for
a life of self-sufficiency, meaning, and happiness. But at
the same time, your advice may be heavily discounted—
the world has changed since you were job hunting as
a new grad, and your kid may not see that you realize
that. Moreover, whether you intend it or not, chances are
your kids will perceive that you expect them to surpass
your own success, which can make even the most well-
intentioned conversation feel fraught.
So what should you say—and not say—when it comes
to helping your kids with their careers?

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 What You Should Tell Your Kids About Finding a Career

Your Potential Outweighs Your

Experience When You’re Starting Out

Begin by telling them that in the early going, they will

be valued more for their potential than for their expe-
rience and track record. I call the first couple of years
in one’s career the Aspiration Phase, in which it’s all
about exercising one’s intellectual and interpersonal en-
ergies, and bringing enthusiasm, work ethic, and energy
to an organization. The Aspiration Phase is about dis-
covery, the process of learning, and the development of
knowledge—the time when your kids will be getting the
early experiences that will inform and influence their
career. The most important objective is for them to dis-
cover their strengths and interests, and to begin learning
marketable skills. They should try out as many different
kinds of tasks and jobs as possible, and get feedback from
peers, friends, and mentors to help them identify what
they’re good at (and what they’re not).

Discover Your Strengths and Interests

When your child gets to their middle to late twenties,

they are likely to be in what I call the Promise Phase.
During this stage, their value will begin to be recognized

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through compensation, promotions, and access to the

best assignments and mentors. Your kids should continue
to explore their interests and talents, but the key will be
to also begin to develop a track record and reputation for
specific professional skills, and in so doing, make mean-
ingful contributions to their organization. During this
stage, encourage them to find answers to questions such
as whether they prefer working on their own, in small
project teams, or in larger organizations, and whether
they are honestly willing to put up with the late nights and
weekend work required for jobs in lucrative sectors like
technology and financial services. They should reflect on
whether they thrive in competitive environments, where
there are stars and also-rans, or if they prefer cultures
that put a premium on teamwork or tenure. Honest an-
swers to these kinds of questions will help guide them to
the career paths more suited to them.

There Will Be Trade-offs

If your college graduate is struggling to answer these

questions, help them understand that there are inevitable
trade-offs to be made between three competing forces:

1. Job satisfaction, which is all about the inherent

quality of what they are working on, the impact of
the role, how much autonomy they have and how

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 What You Should Tell Your Kids About Finding a Career

much they’re learning, and how proud they are to

be associated with a brand

2. Lifestyle, which has to do with where they live,

their working hours, how much control they have
over their schedule, if they have to commute, and
general working conditions

3. Money, which includes base salary, bonus poten-

tial, and perhaps equity or long-term compensation

This is the career triangle. It’s relatively easy to maxi-

mize one of the points on the triangle, and it’s not impos-
sible to optimize a second. But especially in the early years
of one’s career, it’s incredibly difficult to max out all three.
If your daughter is complaining about working until mid-
night as an investment banking intern, ask her if she re-
ally enjoys the work. If not, she may want to consider an
alternative direction as she’s only optimizing the money
point of the triangle. If your son is having trouble making
ends meet working for Teach for America but loves the
job and enjoys where he’s currently based, encourage him
to live frugally and know that there will be time to rebal-
ance his career around compensation a little later.
Speaking about money and jobs, there is a single piece
of advice you can give your kids that is so obvious that
many people overlook it. If your son or daughter wants
to make a lot of money, the single best way is to go into a
field that pays well.

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Tough Discussions with Your Family

Relationships Matter

Relationships are critical both to getting jobs and to

being successful once on the job. But it is also one of the
most essential factors to overall happiness. Encourage
your kids to have a relationship mindset, always seeking
to help others and making an extra effort to be polite to
everyone they come into contact with, especially in a pro-
fessional context, regardless of what role or how senior
someone is in an organization. Stress the importance of
following up on introductions and sending thank-you
emails. But I would actually advise you to not encourage
your kid to network. Trust me, they have been buffeted
by messages about how everything happens through net-
working. They are likely to already believe that they will
need to network to find jobs. Not only do they not need
extra pressure to do that, they will be more effective and
happier if you encourage them to focus less on network-
ing and more on finding ways to develop meaningful re-
lationships, based on the timeless truth of give-and-take.
No doubt your child has already gotten a lot of advice
from their career counseling office on the basics of set-
ting up a LinkedIn profile, writing a résumé, and inter-
viewing. They may even have been taught how to create
a target list that organizes their first-choice companies
into a spreadsheet, with contacts, follow-ups, and next
steps. Books like mine and good career counselors can

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 What You Should Tell Your Kids About Finding a Career

teach them that. But as their parent, they’re looking to

you for something else. They don’t need you to organize
their job search for them, nag them, or serve up unhelp-
ful platitudes like “follow your passions.” Instead, help
them think through the trade-offs they’ll have to make.
Resist the urge to relate everything back to your own ex-
perience—that can come across as, “Here’s how I did it,
so it’s the road you should take, too.” Instead, let your
child know that their career will likely follow a winding
path, with multiple left and right turns.
You can’t give them a map—but you can give them en-
couragement that there is indeed one, and you can help
them learn to read it for themselves.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 15, 2015 (product #H0226Z).

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Section 5

If You Can’t
Say Something
Nice . . .
Keep Your Self-Talk Positive
 15

How to Talk to
Yourself with
Compassion
by Alice Boyes

Quick Takes

• Give yourself a gentle and supportive nudge by asking

what you need in this moment

• Use irreverence to challenge your beliefs

• Reframe a trait or tendency to take a more

balanced view

• Identify your patterns of self-sabotage

• Borrow language from friends, quotes, or proverbs

• Write scripts for common scenarios

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O
ften, we’re our own worst critic. When we feel
anxious or frustrated, we talk to ourselves
more harshly than we’d find acceptable from
anyone else. I blew that presentation. Everyone on my
team has such strong technical skills; I can’t follow the
conversation. My kiddo is going to be so mad at me for
working late again. We wrongly assume that criticism
will motivate us to do better. We become even more of a
perfectionist than usual. Instead of talking to ourselves
with self-compassion, we raise our standards for our be-
havior as a defense against our feelings of doubt, anxiety,
or frustration.
Self-compassion improves people’s participation in
groups and is associated with a more adaptive attitude to
failure.1 People who are self-compassionate recover better
from psychological knocks, like relationship breakups
and career setbacks.2 When people have self-compassion
skills, they have options for feeling better beyond deci-
mating a large bag of chips.
One way to show yourself compassion is through self-
talk. Here’s what that is and how it works.

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 How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion

What Are the Ingredients of

Compassionate Self-Talk?

There are four elements of self-compassion: using a tone

of kindness, recognizing that pain is a universal human
experience, taking a balanced approach to our negative
emotions that neither suppresses or exaggerates them,
and expecting yourself to make the best decision you can
in the situation you’re in.

What Does Compassionate Self-Talk

Look Like?

Here are three examples of what it looks like in the real

world:
Sometimes, compassionate self-talk is a gentle and
supportive nudge. For example, I like to ask myself,
What do I need right now? This gives me the flexibility to
choose what’s most self-compassionate in a given situa-
tion. Since I’m prone to worry and micromanage every-
thing, a message like trust the process for a while can help
me let go. At other times, greater self-discipline is the
kinder thing to do. For example, I might need to knuckle
down to do a task I’ve been putting off. If that relieves my
dread, it’s self-compassionate. In this scenario, I might

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

say to myself, You don’t want to start because you’re anx-

ious. That’s understandable. You want to do a good job.
The best way to do a good job is to chip away at it. You
don’t have to work on it all day. Give it 90 minutes and
then enjoy the rest of the day.
Sometimes, self-compassionate talk is an irreverent
challenge of beliefs. For example, I’ve written hundreds
of blog articles. Some have over a million reads. Yet
sometimes I’ll doubt myself. I’m not very good at this. I
have nothing unique to say about this. Instead of taking
these thoughts seriously, I will lightheartedly say to my-
self, Yup, you’ve forgotten how to do this. A fairy must’ve
come overnight and taken away all the skills you used
to write those other hundreds of articles. Everyone who
shares your articles thinks they’re boring. That’s why ed-
itors keep giving you opportunities. That irreverence jolts
me into a more realistic view of my competencies and
opportunities.
And sometimes, self-compassionate talk is refram-
ing a trait or tendency, like perfectionism. Use it to pre-
vent psyching yourself out and letting perfect be the
enemy of done. Perfectionists are less likely to be self-
compassionate.3 Self-compassion can help you take a
more balanced view of yourself and see when not every-
thing is great (say, your performance on a project), but
not everything is terrible (your entire career is a flop). A
perfectionist might say to themselves, I have to get this
exactly right, first try, or I’ll never get another opportunity.

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 How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion

That attitude can make starting at all feel too daunting.

Someone who is self-compassionate might say to them-
selves, Everyone has blind spots that result in first attempts
being imperfect. I don’t have to get everything right all on
my own. I can use others’ perspectives. That’s how great
work happens.

How to Get Better at Compassionate

Self-Talk

You control the conversation in your head, and you can

reframe it positively in a way that feels natural and au-
thentic to you. When you find yourself ruminating (such
as rehashing past decisions, doing social comparison,
dwelling on your imperfections), it’s time to practice
self-compassion.

1. Understand your sabotaging patterns. Self-

compassion often involves knowing what your
sabotaging patterns are in the first place. One of
mine is that when I get anxious, I overwork. Then I
drag other people into it. I apply my anxiety-driven
high standards to others, which drives people
nuts and causes tension in my working relation-
ships. If you know you have a sabotaging pattern,
self-compassion can help you gently acknowledge
it and make a better choice when you notice it

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

occurring (I’ve written lots more about this in The

Healthy Mind Toolkit). Compassionate self-talk in
this scenario might be I want to nitpick because I
want to be in control. That soothes me, so it’s under-
standable I want to do it. I need to be strategic and
think about the big picture here. Overall, that’s
going to help me feel the best.

2. Pay attention to what others say that soothes

you. Notice when a mentor or friend says some-
thing that soothes and calms you. This could be a
comment particular to you, or even a proverb like
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make
it drink.” Incorporate what they say into your
self-talk. Hearing their words in your head might
help you let go of control and perfectionism. Lis-
ten to your emotions to understand what phrases
and messages help you feel better and make better
decisions.

3. Plan ahead. Come up with a half-dozen com-

mon scenarios in which you think compassionate
self-talk would help you make better decisions.
Here are some examples to spark your think-
ing: when I’m working with new people, when I
sense my perfectionism is driving other people
nuts, when other people are better than me at
something. For each scenario, write some sample

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 How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion

language for what compassionate self-talk would

sound like.

4. Ask for help. Your scenarios will be personal to

you. If you’re stuck, ask a therapist (or emotionally
skilled mentor or friend) to help you. For example,
bring your list of triggering situations to a therapy
or coaching session and work together to come up
with effective, compassionate responses.

Common Misconceptions

Here are some common traps to avoid and hints to make

your self-talk feel more natural:

• Self-compassionate talk is cloying or flowery. You

might think your self-talk needs to be new-age
sounding. It doesn’t. I’ve seen examples that in-
clude calling yourself “Dear.” I think, Oh hell, no.
Find a tone that’s both kind and appealing to you.
You’re more likely to believe yourself if you use
language that feels real to you.

• Self-compassionate talk alone will do the

trick. Talking to yourself with compassion isn’t
a stand-alone strategy; it’s one you combine with
other skills. For example, combine self-compassion

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

with project management skills for breaking down

difficult tasks into achievable chunks.

• Self-compassionate talk happens in the moment.

When it comes to self-compassion, a common
piece of advice is to talk to yourself as you’d talk
to your friends or your child. This assumes you’re
already good at compassionate talk. If you are,
you may be able to borrow elements. If you’re still
learning, make specific if-then plans for language
to respond to what commonly triggers rumination,
self-criticism, and difficult emotions for you.

• Self-compassion is positive thinking. It takes more

than generic cheerleading like “you can do it!” to
practice self-compassion. Often, it’s acknowledging
I’m not doing this as well as I’d like to be, then
recognizing that those difficult emotions are a
universal experience and coming up with a kind
game plan for yourself. For example, if you’re
waiting to have a scan for a suspicious lump,
acknowledging your fear but deciding to think
optimistically until you get more information
might be what you need. For example, I’m going
to choose not to worry excessively about this until I
know whether it’s a problem. I’m scared, but I don’t
need to run through every scenario in advance. I
can trust myself to make good decisions once I have
full information.

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 How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion

Model Talking to Yourself with

Self-Compassion to Your Children

The more your kids see you taking on projects outside

your comfort zone, the more opportunity you’ll have to
demonstrate how you react emotionally to being chal-
lenged. Say out loud, “I’ve never done this before. I’m
feeling nervous. I’m going to handle it by reading the
instructions twice.” Or “I’m feeling stuck with this; let’s
take a break till tomorrow and try again.” Let them hear
you verbalize your strategies, see you accept the presence
of difficult emotions, and move forward in productive
ways with those emotions.

With little kids: Model how to handle your

thoughts and emotions when what you try doesn’t
always work. For example, my 4-year-old and I
do crafting projects, like building dioramas. We
try various materials from around the house and
garden. Some of our ideas work, others flop. I use
language like “We’re not as good at this as the peo-
ple in the YouTube videos. They’ve practiced more
than us and have more supplies. We can try our
best and come up with our own ideas to use what
we have at our house.”

With teens: Talk to your teenager about your

experiences of only succeeding on your third

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

or fourth try, or of working in groups with peo-

ple more skilled than you are. Even if it seems
as if they are tuning you out, something will get
through.4 Sometimes you might want to revisit
experiences to help your children emotionally pro-
cess events. You might say, “You know last week
when you were feeling confused about what your
teacher wanted for your project? That happened to
me at work today. I thought about you when it hap-
pened. I knew I wasn’t giving my coworker exactly
what she wanted, but I wasn’t sure what I was miss-
ing. It’s a tough feeling to go through. And it took a
while to figure it out, but I got there in the end. Just
like you did. It didn’t feel great to go through that
uncertainty, but it happens to everyone.”

Kids don’t need to think that their parents never ex-

perience negative emotions or doubt. They need to feel
confident that their parents can handle themselves, will
always be accessible to them, and will keep them safe,
even when they’re having difficult emotions.
Talking to yourself with self-compassion will help you
deal with a raft of challenging situations, including those
you experience personally and those you need to help
your kids (or students or employees) through. To use it
effectively, follow these practices to build specific, per-
sonalized habits of self-compassionate talk.

Adapted from “Be Kinder to Yourself,” on hbr.org, January 12, 2021 (product
H063MP).

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 16

Make Peace with

Your Inner Critic
An Interview with Tara Mohr by
Sarah Green Carmichael

Quick Takes

• Consider whether desire for praise is keeping you from

taking risks

• Understand the difference between your inner critic and

realistic thinking

• Notice and name your inner critic

• Allow your inner critic to be present but not run

the show

• Avoid arguing with someone else’s inner critic

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W
e spoke with Tara Mohr, author of Playing
Big, about how to deal with self-doubt (or
help someone else manage theirs).

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: You argue in your book

that too many of us are playing small when we actually
have the capacity to do bigger things. Is it just fear that
holds us back? What’s really getting in our way?

TARA MOHR: Fear is absolutely at the core. Fear of fail-

ure, fear of rejection, fear of doing something so innova-
tive that maybe it’s controversial or makes you feel alone
in what you’re doing. All of those are really big fears. But
another huge block for people is simply self-doubt. It’s
having that inner-critic voice and not having any tools
to manage it.

SGC: Why is it important to reevaluate your relationship

with praise and criticism?

TM: Ask, “Is my relationship to praise really serving my

biggest goals?” Many people come to a juncture in their

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 Make Peace with Your Inner Critic

careers where to move forward, they need to evolve their

relationship to praise, particularly if they’ve been high
achievers. That could start early in your life or early in
school. Or it might start when you really found your
groove in your career. You’re used to getting gold stars
and awesome performance reviews. You’re used to wow-
ing the client. You’re used to getting the job that you ap-
plied for.
All of those things are different forms of praise. We
can become reliant on that, even addicted to it. Then that
can prevent us from making an important lateral career
move into a new area that we need to delve into to ulti-
mately get to the next step. Or it might prevent us from
applying for something that feels like a huge stretch, be-
cause we’ve gotten so used to that positive feedback that
we don’t want to have a different kind of experience. Or it
might prevent us from doing our most innovative work,
which is probably going to be more polarizing in the
feedback that it brings.
These are some of the ways that being attached to
praise can limit us. That’s why we might want to un-
hook from it, so we can go for greater challenge, be
more innovative, and express more of our unique point
of view and our voice. Ultimately I think most of us
know that is what’s needed to get us to our long-term
goals and to simply feel more free and fulfi lled in our
work.

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

SGC: How do you then decide that you should definitely

listen to your inner critic if it’s a bad decision? Or say to
yourself, “No, I’m going to just go for it”?

TM: Your inner critic is very different from your voice

of critical thinking or realistic thinking. You never want
to listen to your inner critic as if it’s telling the truth, be-
cause it’s not. You might hear something similar coming
from your critical thinking or your realistic thinking,
but it will sound really different.
The way that we can tell the inner-critic voice from the
voice of realistic thinking or positive critical thinking
has to do with the tone of the thoughts in our head. The
inner critic will tend to be very repetitive, like a broken
record. It might be, There’s no way this is going to work, if
you’re starting a new venture. Or, repetitively, You don’t
have what it takes to manage this team well. It will be very
black-and-white in its thinking. The inner-critic voice is
quite binary. If it’s talking to you in a way that is harsher
and meaner than you would speak to someone you love,
you’re hearing the inner critic.
The voice of realistic thinking, in contrast, is not repet-
itive. It’s forward moving. It might sound like, I’m getting
some clues that I am really not managing this team that
well. But realistic thinking will move you to the next place.
What might I be able to do to address that? What kind of
support can I get? Is this the right move for me? It will have
a curious generative tone and will be much kinder to you.

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 Make Peace with Your Inner Critic

The voice of realistic thinking seeks solutions and

moving forward. It’s able to see the gray, whereas the
inner critic is not. That’s how you can distinguish the two.

SGC: What should we say to our inner critic?

TM: First, when you hear your inner critic, name it for
what it is and simply notice it. I’ll give you an example.
When my book was coming out, I had an opportunity to
write an essay about it for the New York Times. At first,
I had in my head that there’s no way that the New York
Times op-ed page was going to publish one of my essays.
I’m not a fluid and articulate writer. I thought that for
about five days before I thought, Wait a second, maybe
that’s not true. Maybe that’s my inner critic.
That’s active noticing, which doesn’t always come
immediately, because when it’s our own inner critic, it
feels so true. But then I asked myself—and this is step
two—why would my safety instinct not want me to do
this thing?
When I asked myself that question, I could suddenly
see the part of me that’s super scared about anything
that feels emotionally unsafe doesn’t want me to write an
op-ed for the Times. It’s going to get all kinds of feedback.
People are going to like it or not. So, of course, there’s
a reason my safety instincts were trying to talk me out
of doing it. Now I have some awareness about why that
inner-critic voice is coming out.

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Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

I need to allow it to be present, but not run the show.

I wrote that entire article with the inner critic still chat-
tering that there’s no way this is going to be published and
it’s going to be horrible. It was published and it did great.
The act of knowing what it is is recognizing it in the
moment and then allowing it to be present. You’re say-
ing, basically, Thank you for your input, but I’ve got this
covered. You’re allowed to be here, but you’re not allowed
to make the decision about what I do or don’t do.

SGC: What advice do you have for someone who is man-

aging an employee with an overactive inner critic?

TM: The common mistake that we make—as managers,

friends, parents—is that we think our job is to argue
with that person’s inner critic. So their inner critic might
be saying, I’m just terrible with numbers. As a manager,
you see that this person has potential in this area or you
think they’re good at it, so you might think your job is to
say, “No, you’re really not terrible with numbers.”
Arguing with another person’s inner critic will rarely
be effective. At the right moment, that person might sud-
denly hear that you believe in them, which causes them
to see something different about themselves. But that
happens maybe once in a thousand times, because for
that person, there is some risk and they’re afraid. Their
inner critic has one argument to try to prevent them
from doing something.

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 Make Peace with Your Inner Critic

If you convince them, their fear will just produce

their next argument. You might notice that you finally
convinced the person that they’re qualified, but then they
say that they don’t want to do it because they want to
focus on another project. Or they say it doesn’t fit with
their priorities or their long-term goals right now.
Arguing with the inner critic usually doesn’t work.
Instead, start a conversation: “I hear that you don’t feel
you’re capable. I see you as really capable. I’m wondering
if there’s some self-doubt at play that’s not grounded in
the facts here.”
Share with them some of the irrational things your
inner critic says to you: “Here’s how I’ve learned to not
listen to it and how I think of what that voice is.” Instead
of waiting for them to build confidence, you start to rec-
ognize a skill. The skills of managing one’s inner critic is
something that you want to develop in your people and
have an open conversation about, because the inner critic
will prevent them from fulfilling their highest potential.
The inner critic will also prevent them from telling
you what you need to know about the business or new
possibilities. They feel self-doubt when they say some-
thing that maybe only they’re noticing or that isn’t being
discussed yet.

Adapted from “Make Peace with Your Inner Critic,” on HBR IdeaCast (podcast),
January 14, 2016.

145
Epilogue

Last Word
 17

Being a Parent
Made Me a Better
Manager, and
Vice Versa
by Jelena Zikic

Quick Takes

• Apply the skills you learn by working and by parenting in

both realms

• Recognize that dealing with routine chaos makes you

highly adaptable

• Create safe spaces at home and at work

• Learn from feedback and mistakes

149
O
ver the last 10 or 15 years, those of us who work
for organizations have gotten more and more
comfortable talking about work-life balance
as a business issue; about making the workplace more
human, authentic, and compassionate; and about dis-
cussing work as something that deserves passion, mean-
ing, even love.
Yet when we go home at the end of the day, how much
of what we learn at work about prioritizing, communi-
cating, and managing conflict do we leave at the office?
Even more important, when we go back into work the
following morning, how much of what we’ve learned
from our families about patience, empathy, and so on do
we leave at home?
Becoming a parent has made me realize just how ab-
surd and wasteful this lack of spillover is. Who we are
as parents matters to who we are at work. The skills we
learn as we engage in parenting ought to transfer into
our work, and vice versa.
As a researcher, I have approached my parenting role
similarly to how I’ve approached research topics—with
true passion and curiosity to fully understand all of its
intricacies. This has meant reading parenting literature,

150
 Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa

talking to other parents (in my research mind, I was “in-

terviewing” them), and attending parenting workshops,
all while noticing how effective (or not) my various ap-
proaches to parenting may be. Children, unlike many
managers, are very quick and direct with feedback.
My research is ongoing, but here are three skills I’ve
learned from parenting that have helped me in my
work life.

Adapting to Change

As a parent, I find myself constantly adapting to new sit-

uations. My family team challenges me with new parent-
ing dilemmas, just as things at work are never static. Our
parenting journeys evolve as we see our children learn
their first words, take their first steps, make friends, and
face disappointments. The moment you feel you’ve got
everyone on board and things seem to be going smoothly,
the situation quickly changes; a new growth spurt or de-
velopmental milestone comes along, and suddenly you
need to address new questions.
Dealing with this routine chaos makes us better at
creating our own dynamic capabilities. Raising children
teaches us how to become more adaptive to change—to
cope with change while learning from it. Children chal-
lenge us to accept that stability is not normal and that
developing the readiness to deal with uncertainty and

151
Last Word

accept new daily challenges will make us perform better

as parents. As our children grow, we grow with them. In
this process, parenting allows us to reflect and adapt to-
gether with our children and sometimes even learn from
our mistakes. The same sets of skills are an asset in to-
day’s workforce.

Respecting Psychological Safety as

a Universal Human Need

How often do you think about making your coworkers

feel safe? If you’re like most people, it’s not that often. Yet
as a parent, how often do you think about making your
kids feel safe? If you’re like most parents, it’s every day.
As parents, we seek to create an environment where
children can learn and grow, challenge themselves, and
feel safe to explore, ask questions, and share their fears
and uncertainties. The more we’re able to create a posi-
tive, open family environment, the stronger our relation-
ships with our children become.
In the same way, when we open our office door, we’re
faced with one of the hardest and most important man-
agement tasks: managing relationships. The more open
and psychologically safe our team environment is, the
better our team dynamics will be. The more we can
adopt a nurturing, open mindset with our colleagues or
protégés, the stronger the bonds we build. As we strive to

152
 Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa

make our children resilient and capable of finding their

own solutions, we can do the same with our team mem-
bers. This means creating a culture at work where psy-
chological safety comes first, where your coworkers feel
comfortable and willing to share their concerns, needs,
and ideas.

Self-Reflecting and Continually

Improving

Becoming a parent is one of the toughest jobs we can

undertake. The hours are 24/7, yet it is often our most
gratifying role. As in any role that motivates and chal-
lenges us, we want to be good at it. But while we may
question our skills at parenting or at work, we may have
trouble getting past self-doubt.
Like leadership coaches, parenting experts would
encourage us not only to question our parenting ap-
proaches but also to learn from our mistakes and our
children’s feedback. Authentic parenting, like authentic
leadership, invites us to be true to our values, open to
feedback, expert at active listening, and willing to exper-
iment with new approaches.
This last point is what the “positive spillovers” idea
rests upon. For positive spillovers between parenting
and work to happen, we must reflect on how we operate
and who we are in each domain. If we don’t question our

153
Last Word

existing ways of doing things, we can’t learn and we can’t

improve.
Our children are probably our best and most honest
judges; they provide the most direct, trusting perfor-
mance evaluation we’ll ever get. We can reflect on what
they teach us to be better leaders, and we can use what we
learn at work to be better parents.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 9, 2016 (product #H02VMK).

154
 NOTES

Chapter 3
1. “When It Comes to Driving, Most People Think Their Skills
Are Above Average,” Association for Psychological Science, press
release, August 28, 2014, https://www.psychologicalscience.org/
news/motr/when-it-comes-to-driving-most-people-think-their
-skills-are-above-average.html.

Chapter 5
1. Ralph van den Bosch and Toon W. Taris, “Authenticity at
Work: Development and Validation of an Individual Authenticity
Measure at Work,” Journal of Happiness Studies 15 (2014): 1–18.
2. Deborah MacNamara, “Learning a Language of the Heart,”
Neufeld Institute, n.d., https://neufeldinstitute.org/learning-a
-language-of-the-heart/.
3. Karen Huang et al., “It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking
Increases Liking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113,
no. 3 (2017): 430–452.
4. Michael Schaerer et al., “Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to
Power,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 44, no. 5 (2018):
746–761.

Chapter 8
1. Globis Mediation Group, “38 Reasons: The Difficult Con-
versations Survey,” 2016, https://static1.squarespace.com/static/
5a2eec3518b27d0e34328cf4/t/5a60a63a24a694c1165d99e0/
1516283462153/38-Reasons-The-Difficult-Conversations-Survey
-2016.pdf.

155
Notes

Chapter 10
1. National Alliance on Mental Illness, “Mental Health by the
Numbers,” n.d., https://www.nami.org/mhstats.
2. National Institute of Mental Health, “Depression: What Every
Woman Should Know,” n.d., https://www.bellevuehospital.org.jm/
pdf/depression_what _every_woman_should _know.pdf.
3. Office of Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services, “Working with a Mental Health Condition,”
n.d., https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/living-mental
-health-condition/working-mental-health-condition.
4. U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, “De-
pression, PTSD, and Other Mental Health Conditions in the
Workplace: Your Legal Rights,” n.d., https://www.eeoc.gov/
laws/guidance/depression-ptsd-other-mental-health-conditions
-workplace-your-legal-rights.

Chapter 12
1. Gemma Francis, “Parents Have More Than 2,000 Rows with
Their Kids Every Year—and They Only ‘Win’ Half,” Mirror,
July 26, 2018, https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/health/parents
-more-2000-rows-kids-12983598.

Chapter 15
1. Phoebe Long and Kristin D. Neff, “Self-Compassion Is Asso-
ciated with Reduced Self-Presentation Concerns and Increased
Student Communication Behavior,” Learning and Individual Dif-
ferences 67 (October 2018): 223–231.
2. Jia Wei Zhang and Serena Chen, “Self-Compassion Promotes
Positive Adjustment for People Who Attribute Responsibility of
a Romantic Breakup to Themselves,” Self and Identity 16, no. 6
(2017): 732–759.

156
 Notes

3. Joachim Stoeber, Aneta V. Lalova, and Ellen J. Lumley, “Per-

fectionism, (Self-)Compassion, and Subjective Well-Being: A Me-
diation Model,” Personality and Individual Differences 154 (2020):
109708.
4. Alice Boyes, “6 Tips for How to Raise a Kid Who Is a Good
Problem Solver,” Psychology Today, June 18, 2020, https://www
.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/202006/6-tips-how
-raise-kid-who-is-good-problem-solver.

157
 ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

DAISY DOWLING, Series Editor, is founder and CEO

of Workparent, a specialty coaching and advisory firm
focused on working parents. She writes about working
parent solutions for HBR and is the author of Workpar-
ent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Stay-
ing True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids (Harvard
Business Review Press, 2021). She is a full-time work-
ing parent to two young children. She can be reached at
www.workparent.com.

ALICE BOYES is a former clinical psychologist turned

writer and the author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit and The
Anxiety Toolkit. She’s the mother of a creative 4-year-old.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL is a columnist and editor

at Bloomberg Opinion and was previously an executive
editor at Harvard Business Review. She has affectionately
named her rather perfectionistic inner critic “Hermione.”

JAMES M. CITRIN is author of The Career Playbook: Es-

sential Advice for Today’s Aspiring Young Professional. He
also leads Spencer Stuart’s North American CEO prac-
tice and is a core member of the firm’s board practice. A

159
About the Contributors

dedicated father of three, he has been attempting to give

his kids—and all of their friends—career advice since
they were in college!

PRISCILLA CLAMAN is a retired human resources

executive and consultant. She is a contributor to the HBR
Guide to Getting the Right Job (Harvard Business Re-
view Press, 2012). In addition to coaching many people
through periods of corporate craziness, she survived a
week with three children under 2 and a broken wash-
ing machine. In addition to her three children, she has
nine grandchildren and is a supplemental parent to
four dogs, two cats, a rabbit, a retired horse, and eleven
chickens.

JOSEPH FOLKMAN is the president of Zenger/Folkman,

a leadership development consultancy. He is a coauthor
of the HBR article “Making Yourself Indispensable” and
the book Speed: How Leaders Accelerate Successful Exe-
cution. Follow him on Twitter @joefolkman.

AMY GALLO is a contributing editor at Harvard Business

Review and the author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with
Conflict at Work (Harvard Business Review Press, 2017).
She writes and speaks about workplace dynamics. As the
parent of a teenager, she spends a lot of time trying to
figure out how to apply her own advice on difficult con-
versations at home. Follow her on Twitter @amyegallo.

160
 About the Contributors

MARK GOULSTON, is a business psychiatrist, execu-

tive adviser, keynote/TEDx speaker, and host of the My
Wakeup Call podcast and the LinkedIn Live show  No
Strings Attached. He is the author of Just Listen and co-
author of Why Cope When You Can Heal? He absolutely
adores his grandchildren and is trying to make up with
them for not being as present with his grown children
when they were young.

JOSEPH GRENNY is a four-time New York Times best-

selling author, keynote speaker, and leading social sci-
entist for business performance. His work has been
translated into 28 languages, is available in 36 countries,
and has generated results for 300 of the Fortune 500. He
is the cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corpo-
rate training and leadership development.

MARY (MOLLY) C. KERN is an organizational psycholo-

gist and associate professor of management at Baruch Col-
lege at the City University of New York. Her research and
teaching focus on negotiation processes and team dynam-
ics aimed toward maximizing performance and bounded
ethicality to support ethical learners. Although a negotia-
tion scholar, she gets a lot of real-world practice translating
the science into more of an art with her two teenagers.

REBECCA KNIGHT is a freelance journalist in Boston

whose work has been published in the New York Times,

161
About the Contributors

USA Today, and the Financial Times. She is the mom of

two tweenage daughters.

TERRI R. KURTZBERG is an associate professor of man-

agement at Rutgers Business School. She is the author of
four books, and her research on e-communication and
negotiations is frequently quoted in the media. She is the
recipient of multiple teaching and research awards. She
was especially grateful for her PhD in negotiations when
she started raising two kids who were born negotiators,
although on any given day, it’s anyone’s guess who has
the edge.

BRITTNEY MAXFIELD is the senior director of market-

ing communications at VitalSmarts. She is also a busy
mom to three brilliant children, ages 8, 6, and 2. Her
evenings are jam-packed with homework, soccer games,
piano practice, and finding the closest drive-through ev-
eryone can agree on. And, despite the chaos, she wouldn’t
have it any other way.

TARA MOHR is an expert on women’s leadership and

well-being. She is the author of Playing Big: Practical
Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and
Lead and creator of the Playing Big leadership programs
for women. Tara is the mom of two little people, ages 3
and 6, and lives in San Francisco, where she loves long,

162
 About the Contributors

hilly walks, superb coffee, and wearing cozy sweaters in

the fog.

SABINA NAWAZ is a global CEO coach, leadership key-

note speaker, and writer working in over 26 countries.
She advises C-level executives in Fortune 500 corpora-
tions, government agencies, nonprofits, and academic
organizations. Sabina has spoken at hundreds of semi-
nars, events, and conferences, including TEDx, and has
written for FastCompany.com, Inc.com, and Forbes.com.
She is lucky to have the support of her stay-at-home hus-
band. She counts as successful any meeting that’s free of
interruption by her two teenage sons or two dogs. A suc-
cessful day is one spent with them. Follow her on Twitter
@sabinanawaz.

BARBARA RICCI is the founding executive director of

Mindful Philanthropy, a new nonprofit organization
whose mission is to increase informed giving in mental
health, addiction, and community well-being. She is a
senior adviser in behavioral health at the University of
Pennsylvania’s Center for High Impact Philanthropy.
She is a former board member at the National Alliance
on Mental Illness (NAMI) and a former managing direc-
tor at two global banks (UBS and Deutsche Bank). She
is the mother of two sons, aunt of three nieces, and is
inspired by a brother who lives with schizophrenia. She

163
About the Contributors

is a firm believer that students should be allowed excused

absences for physical and mental health reasons.

DEBORAH GRAYSON RIEGEL is a keynote speaker,

executive coach, and consultant who teaches leader-
ship communication for Wharton Business School and
Columbia Business School. The author of  Overcoming
Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School,
and Life, she consults with clients including Amazon,
Bloomberg, PepsiCo, and the United States Army. Deb-
orah and her husband, Michael, also an executive coach,
learned everything they know about how to avoid diffi-
cult conversations as the parents of twins.

DENISE M. ROUSSEAU is the H. J. Heinz II University

Professor of Organizational Behavior and Public Policy
at Carnegie Mellon University. Her research focuses on
the changing employment relationship and the effects
employees have on organizations. She comes by her ex-
perience with the work-family–related negotiations in
raising twins, who played office and school, but seldom
house. The twins, now adults, do a much better job of
work-family balance, of which their mother is proud.

MONIQUE VALCOUR is an executive coach, keynote

speaker, and management professor. She helps clients
create and sustain fulfilling and high-performance jobs,
careers, workplaces, and lives. Her greatest joy in life is

164
 About the Contributors

talking and laughing with her husband and two adult

daughters. Contact her at www.moniquevalcour.com.

JACK ZENGER is the CEO of Zenger/Folkman, a lead-

ership development consultancy. He is a coauthor of the
HBR article, “Making Yourself Indispensable,” and the
book Speed: How Leaders Accelerate Successful Execu-
tion. Follow him on Twitter @jhzenger. Jack and his wife
Holly attempt to stay connected with their combined
family of 10 children, 37 grandchildren, and 12 great-
grandchildren. Whew!

JELENA ZIKIC is an associate professor at York Univer-

sity. In her research and practice, she explores a combina-
tion of career and life transitions of diverse populations.
She is a mother of two boys who speak four languages,
and as an avid traveler she promotes exposing your chil-
dren to the wonders of travel as soon as they are born!

165
 INDEX

A-BCDs (Avoid Blame, blame, 8, 47. See also A-BCDs

Contempt, Defensiveness, avoiding, 59–60
and Stonewalling), 59–60 blind spots, 105–106
accountability, 47, 58 bosses
adaptability, 130, 151–152 communicating with about
alliances, 55–56 mental health issues, 81
Americans with Disabilities Act managing employees with
(ADA), 82. See also mental overactive inner critics,
health issues 144–145
assumptions negotiating extended leave
avoiding, 57–58 with, 90–93
challenging in self-talk, personal crises and, 71–77
132–133 relationship management
clarifying, 27 with during extended
in negotiating extended leave, leaves, 94
92 renegotiating boundaries
authenticity, 38, 153–154 with, 5–6
authority saying “no” to, 16–18
boundary predators and, boundaries
12–13 agreement on, 13
setting boundaries and, 14, challenges to, 15
20 negotiating extended leave
and, 92
personal crises and, 76
balance predators of, 11–20
ongoing pursuit of, 9 renegotiating, 3–9
for working parents, 3–9 resetting after emergencies,
belaboring the point, 34–36. See 19–20
also listening setting, 11–20
beliefs, challenging your, 132. sharing confidences and, 42
See also self-talk Boyes, Alice, 129–138

167
Index

career coaching relationship management

with your kids, 119–125 with during extended
with your spouse, 114–115 leaves, 93–94
career phases, discussing with renegotiating boundaries
your kids, 121–122 with, 5–6
career triangle, 123 saying “no” to, 16–18
Carmichael, Sarah Green, communication skills,
139–145 personal/professional
change, adapting to, 151–152 intersection of, 151–154,
children xiv–xv
boundary negotiation with, communication styles,
7–9 listening and, 29–36
as boundary predators, compassion, 77
12 in self-talk, 129–138
career conversations with, competitiveness, listening and,
119–125 24, 114
mental health issues in, confidence
85–86 conveying by listening, 24
modeling compassionate your inner critic and, 145
self-talk to, 137–138 confidences, being worthy of,
negotiating with, 101–109 37–42. See also listening
personal crises and, 74–75 confidentiality, honoring, 42
presenting ideas to, 107– contempt, 59–60. See also
109 A-BCDs
choice, embedding, 107. See continuous improvement,
also negotiations 153–154
Citrin, James M., 119–125 contradicting others,
Claman, Priscilla, 11–20 49–50. See also difficult
Coleman, John, 113, 114–115, conversations
116–117 conversations
colleagues difficult. See difficult
as boundary predators, conversations
12–20 parents need to have, 3–9
negotiating extended leave for renegotiating boundaries,
with, 90–91 4–9
personal crises and, 71–77 with yourself, 5

168
 Index

credentials, boundary setting disagreements, saying “and”

and, 14 vs. “but” and, 49. See also
crises. See emergencies difficult conversations
critical thinking, 142–143. See distractions, listening and,
also self-talk 26
criticism, 140–141. See also Dowling, Daisy, xiii–xvii
self-talk

emergencies
Davey, Liane, 48–49 mental health, 79–86
decompressing, 116–117. See personal crises, 71–77
also stress resetting boundaries after,
defensiveness, 59–60. See also 19–20
A-BCDs emotions
difficult conversations being supportive and, 38–42
A-BCDs for, 59 compassionate self-talk and,
about personal crises, 131
71–77 difficult conversations and,
avoiding assumptions in, 66, 67
57–58 fear, 140
changing the tenor of, “listening” for, 26–27
50–52 modeling compassionate
convincing vs. learning in, self-talk and, 137–138
56–57 negotiating with your kids
getting back on track, and, 103
53–61 not apologizing for, 48
helping your partner cope questions to find the source
with work stress, 111–117 of, 32–33
making sure you’re heard in, self-talk and, 140
45–52 venting, 31–34
negotiating with your kids, end-of-work habits, 117. See
101–109 also stress
opposition vs. partnership engagement, 38, 114
in, 55–56 Equal Employment
problem solving and, 60–61 Opportunity Commission
when to skip, 63–68, 106 (EEOC), 82, 83

169
Index

excuses, avoiding, 18. See also “H.A.L.T.” checks, 66, 67

boundaries health care rights, 82. See also
expectations, clarifying, 75–77, mental health issues
131 hobbies, 116. See also stress
extended leaves, 87–98 hypotheticals, 49–50. See also
difficult conversations

fairness, 108. See also

negotiations “I” language, 46. See also
family leave, 87–98 difficult conversations
feedback interruptions, 113. See also
good listening and, 24–25 listening
for kids’ career choices, 121
from our children, 154
self-preservation and, 60–61 Kern, Mary C., 101–109
feedforward, 60–61 kindness, in self-talk, 131. See
Folkman, Joseph, 21–27 also self-talk
friendships, 116. See also Knight, Rebecca, 111–117
stress Kurtzberg, Terri R., 101–109
frustration, finding the source
of, 32. See also listening
leave. See time off
listening
Gallo, Amy, 45–52 asking questions and, 23
goals communication style
communicating to employers differences and, 29–36
and colleagues, 5–6 to confidences, 37–42
for extended leave, 89–90 giving feedback and, 24–25
identifying your, 5 levels of, 25–27
in negotiating with your misconceptions about, 22
kids, 104–105 to overexplanation/
Goldsmith, Marshall, 60–61 belaboring the point,
Gottman, John, 59 34–36
Goulston, Mark, 29–36 qualities of good, 21–27
Grenny, Joseph, 3–9 remembering details and, 40

170
 Index

repeating words back to the networking, 124–125

speaker and, 34, 35–36 nonverbal communication
to venting or screaming, in difficult conversations,
31–34 50
to your partner, 113 emotional well-being and,
40–41
“listening” for, 26
management skills and
parenting, 149–154
mantras, mental health and, opinions, expressing contrary,
84. See also self-talk 49. See also difficult
Maxfield, Brittney, 3–9 conversations
mental health issues, 79–86 overexplanations, 34–36. See
of family members, 85–86 also listening
managing your return from,
82–85
preparing for leave due to, parenting, management skills
80–82 and, 149–154
prevalence of, 80 partners. See spouses/partners
warning signs of, 85 personal crises, 71–77
modeling asking for extended leave for,
self-talk, 137–138 87–98
taking responsibility, 58 personal/professional
vulnerability, 40 intersections, xiv–xv
Mohr, Tara, 139–145 renegotiating boundaries
and, 3–9
synergy from, 149–154
National Alliance on Mental perspectives, 51–52
Illness (NAMI), 86 openness to others’, 58
Nawaz, Sabina, 71–77 owning your own, 46–47
negotiations. See also difficult Petriglieri, Jennifer, 112–113,
conversations 114, 115, 116
of boundaries, 3–9 positive spillovers, 151–154
for extended leave, 91–93 positive thinking, 136. See also
with your kids, 101–109 self-talk

171
Index

power to determine when to skip

boundary predators and, difficult conversations,
12–13 65–66
struggles over, 51–52 listening and asking, 23, 27
praise, 140–141. See also self- in negotiating with your
talk kids, 105–106
precedents, for extended to understand others’
leaves, 90. See also time perspective, 58
off when someone vents or
preferences in a crisis, screams, 32–33
clarifying your, 75–77. See
also emergencies
priorities. See also goals realistic thinking, 142–143. See
communicating to children, also self-talk
8–9 reflection, 115, 153–154
communicating to employers reframing
and colleagues, 5–6 from convincing to learning,
setting your, 5 56–57
privacy, respecting, 42 in self-talk, 132–133
mental health issues when someone vents or
and, 86 screams, 31, 34
personal crises and, 74–75 relationships, 124–125, 152–
problem solving 153
getting input for, 60–61 repetition
negotiating extended leave listening and, 34, 35–36
and, 91–92 negotiating with your kids
purpose, in difficult and, 103
conversations, 55–57 respect
listening and, 36
for the psychological need for
questions safety, 152–153
about mental health, 83 Ricci, Barbara, 79–86
about others’ well-being, Riegel, Deborah Grayson,
38–42 37–42, 63–68
before committing to Riegel, Sophie, 38
projects, 15–16 Rousseau, Denise M., 87–98

172
 Index

routines, 84–85 helping them cope with

dealing with work stress and, stress, 111–117
116–117 mental health issues in,
85–86
stonewalling, 59–60. See also
safe environments A-BCDs
for confidences, 38, 41–42 stress, 64
home as, 116–117 helping your partner cope
listening and, 26 with, 111–117
respecting the need for, sporadic vs. chronic, 115
152–153 support
saying “no,” 16–18. See also helping your partner and,
boundaries 114
scope creep, 15. See also listening and, 24
boundaries
self-doubt, 139–145. See also
self-talk technology habits, 116–117
self-esteem, 24, 36, 64 therapy, 76, 116
self-knowledge, 121–122 time off
self-preservation, 60–61 asking for extended, 87–98
self-sabotage, patterns of, for emergencies, 95–96
133–134 keeping records on, 93
self-talk managing the return after,
compassionate, 129–138 82–85
making peace with your for mental health reasons,
inner critic and, 139–145 79–86
misconceptions about, negotiating, 91–93
135–136 for personal crises, 71–77
modeling, 137–138 preparing for, 89–91
planning ahead for, 134–135 preparing for reentry after,
silence, 108–109. See also 94
negotiations responding to refusal of
soothing talk, 134. See also requests for, 96–97
self-talk taking, 93–94
spouses/partners trade-offs, career choice and,
boundary negotiation with, 7 122–123

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Index

transparency win-win solutions, 92, 104

about boundaries, 13 women, boundary negotiations
about mental health issues, and, 9
82–83 work-life balance, 150
boundary negotiations and, 6 boundary predators and,
in difficult conversations, 57 11–20
helping your partner cope
with work stress and,
uncertainty, dealing with, 111–117
151–152 renegotiating boundaries
and, 3–9

Valcour, Monique, 53–61

venting, 31–34. See also Zenger, Jack, 21–27
listening Zikic, Jelena, 149–154
vulnerability, modeling, 40

174