Crabs

in a Bucket:
Or how bitterness killed the fun.

Bernardo Cubría
2215 Ocean Ave C
Santa Monica, CA
90405
[email protected]
 “Nothing quite so poison as a promise”
Neko Case.

Cast of Crabs

Amargo – a very bitter crab. The weight of what it once imagined now crashing
down upon it’s soul. Any race or gender.

Pootz – also bitter but finds solace in spending time with their friend. Serial crab
pleaser. Any race or gender.

Beb – a young crab. Spunk. Chutzpah. Dreams and attitude to back them. Not dumb,
naïve. This crab just might get out. Any race or gender.

Mamon - the crab that got out. Entitled enough to believe in entitlement. Any race or
gender.


Note: The play avoids mention of all gender or race. Each role can be played by the
best human for the role but it’ll benefit the piece if you cast with diversity and
inclusivity.

A note about the Crabs: The characters are indeed crabs. I would avoid cartoonish
plushy suits, but hey it’s a play, so you do you. The most important thing is that the
performers treat these roles with the care of a clown. They are fools. In the words of
Lecoq, “The clown has great importance as part of the search for what is laughable
and ridiculous in man.”

Dedicated to the Latinx Theatre Community.

2
 Act I
We hear Neko Case’s Hell-On.

Curtain rises and we see the inside of a bucket. A big, plastic, ugly, rotting, orange,
shucking bucket. It smells of time. And reeks of the almost. There are rotting crab legs
and old deteriorating shells with dried blood all over them.

Up stage center is a small door. Over it reads “The Before”

We see the Crabs. Some are our characters. Others are alluded to in some way. But we
should get the sense that the bucket is full of them. These crabs are of all shapes and
sizes. They smoke. They drink. They chew on the remains. They keep looking to the top.
They size each other up. Some try and figure out their next move. And some are
resigned to the confines of the bucket.

In the center sit Amargo and Pootz.
Like Statler and Waldorf

Amargo
I can’t believe I’m still here.
In this shucking bucket.
I never in a million years thought I’d still be here.
Right where I started.
I have poured years of my life into this.
Suffered highs and lows.
Been so close to getting out and then somehow, someway, it just never works out.
You would think that if one works hard, treats others with respect, and strives to be
the best that they can be,
that there would be some kind of reward.
But this is no meritocracy.
This is a scam.
A scratch lottery ticket doomed to fail.
A path filled with the illusion of success that leads to destination: abject failure.
So many dangling carrots. The blue balls of dreams.
So many promises and so-called opportunities and for what?
This?
This shucking bucket of lies…

Pootz
Shuck this bucket!

Amargo
You know how many crabs have gotten out?

Pootz
Don’t get me started!

3

Amargo
Crabs that didn’t even want to get out, let alone deserved to get out, but—

Pootz
They got to get out!

Amargo
They just happen to be in the right place at the right time.
And thanks to all the energy that the rest of us bozos created they end up near the
top of the lip and “weeeeee”.

Pootz
Your welcome crab! Enjoy “The Outside!”

Amargo
I know I should just quit.
Just accept that I am meant to be spent my life in this godforshaken bucket.
But I can’t.
Because I am owed the escape.

A beat of resentment.

Pootz
Still in the SHUCKING BUCKET?!

Amargo
This silo of doom.

Pootz
This hellhole.

Amargo
The rotting edifice of failure.

Pootz
The pits.

Amargo
A monument to futility.

Pootz (trying to find a new word)
A monument…to…bad!

A beat of bitterness.

4
 Amargo
I’m too good to still be in this bucket.

Pootz
Yes you are.

A beat as Pootz hopes Amargo will say the same about them…but it never comes.

Amargo
Remember Crix?

Pootz
That piece of work!

Amargo
Just happened to be in the right place when the bucket tipped over.

Pootz
Lucky Crix

Amargo
And remember Palo?

Pootz
Must be nice to have an uncle on “The Outside.”

Amargo
Or pinchey Chona.

Pootz
Acting like a full Crab.
When we all know it just so happens their grandma was a Crab.
But that doesn’t make you one of us!

beat

Amargo
Although I do imagine outside could be worse…

Pootz
With the likes of Chona running around.

Amargo
If so many vapid crabs got out, what they must of created on “The Outside…”

Pootz

5
 And us talented crabs stuck here so we can’t make it awesome out there!

Amargo
A tragedy.

Beat as they both still yearn for “The Outside”

Amargo
How tall you think it is?

Pootz
Uh…I’ve never been good at math.

Amargo
You idiot. It’s not math. It’s measurement.

Pootz
Oh.

Amargo
Has little to do with arithmetic.

Pootz
Gotcha.

Amargo
What am I gonna do with you?

Pootz
Sorry.

Amargo
You don’t even know what math is.

Pootz
I said I was sorry!

Beat as Amargo feels better about themselves. Pootz feels worse.

Amargo
So…how high do you think that lip is?

Pootz
I guess…I don’t know…12 inches1?
1
The gesture the crabs make for inches is big. Cause inches is HUGE for a crab.

6

Amargo
Gotta be more.

Pootz
What you think, 20 inches?

Amargo
Shell no! More.

Pootz
Wait, you talkin’ like 30 inches of bucket?!

Amargo
Yes!

Pootz
No wonder it’s so pinchey hard.

Amargo
A miracle anyone gets out.

A beat of “if only”

Pootz
Remember Queek?

Amargo
Quivering Queek…

Pootz
Do it.

Amargo
Oh, I can’t.

Pootz
C’mon!

Amargo
I did it yesterday.

Pootz
But it’s such a hoot.

Amargo

7
 I’m tired.

Pootz
Please-please-please-please!

Amargo
Okay fine.

Amargo and Pootz get up! They have done this before.

Pootz
So Queek gets up!

Amargo (as Queek)
“Look. I just have to…okay?”

Pootz (in front of the door to “The Before”)
And waddled over here with a rolling suitcase!

Amargo (waddling over as Queek)
“I thought I had it in me.
But it turns out that years and years of failure can take quite a toll.
And whatever it was that I came in here for, no longer exists inside me. “

Both (as Queek)
“So I’m leaving!”

Pootz
And then Queek got on all fours!

Amargo
Opened the door.

Pootz
Then looked back at you!

Amargo (as Queek)
“my ego feels chitty that it didn’t work out.
But honestly. Shuck my ego. What good did it ever do me?”

Both (as Queek)
“Goodbye bucket!”

Then…

Both

8
 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pootz
Oh my god!

Amargo
Quvering Queek!

Pootz
A Quitter!

Amargo
A Quasi-crab!

Pootz
What a loser Queek was!

Amargo
I knew they didn’t have it in them.

Pootz
It was clear to all of us!

Both
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Beat as they both wonder if Queek could possibly be happy.

Pootz
Can you imagine? Going back home.

Amargo
Impossible.

Pootz
Back to the life of 100,000 kids2, dead-end marriages, and a dead-end job.

Amargo
The lemmings of the crustacean world.

Beat

Pootz
Although a partner would be nice.
2
The average crab lays 100,000 eggs…damn son.

9

Amargo
Oh god.

Pootz
What? You wouldn’t want someone?

Amargo
Nagging me. Telling me where I can and can’t go?

Pootz
At least you would have someone who loves you.

Amargo
Marriage is to love what uncorking is to wine.
Once you get married you got a countdown to the love becoming undrinkable.

Pootz
Oh geeze.

Beat as the idea of a partner is buried.

Pootz
I guess I got you friend.

Amargo
And your integrity. That’s important.

Pootz
I’m a dreamer dammit!

Amargo
And can’t anyone take that from us.

Pootz
Who needs a partner— when I got integrity!

Amargo
I’ll cuddle up to that thank you very much!

Beat as they both try very hard to believe what they just said.

Amargo
You know who never had integrity?

Pootz

10
 Who?

Amargo
Mamon.

Pootz
Shuckin’ Mamon.

Amargo
Yup. Shuckin…Mamon.

Pootz
Mamon was about to give up.

Amargo
I remember the night before Mamon got out.
We were sitting together. And they were so sad.
Dating that no good crab.

Pootz
Which one?

Amargo
Yeah, right?

Pootz
Who didn’t Mamon shuck?

Amargo
Just about every crab in this bucket.

Pootz
Even Queek!

Amargo
Well…easy prey.

Pootz
That little move where Mamon would tickle someone’s leg.

Amargo
And they always fell for it!

Pootz (cracking themselves up)
So predictable! I mean, it was so hahAHA—

11
 Amargo (snapping)
Stop laughing – I’m TELLING A STORY!!

Pootz
Sorry…

Amargo
…anyway, Mamon was dating that no good one
Sash or Noob or whatever - and they were miserable.
And had gotten so fat.
The kind of fat where you just start sweating for no reason.

Pootz
Ugh.

Amargo
I’ll never forget that gut.
Protruding out of their shell.
And they just seemed…done.
No hope left in them.
And I, of course, felt bad for Mamon.
I mean, I came to the bucket with Mamon
so I wanted them to be happy…
but…I mean…it’s sounds messed up but—

Pootz
You were happy they were gonna quit.

Amargo
I mean, one less crab to compete with—

Pootz
Hey, I thought it!

Amargo
Not that Mamon was my competition.

Pootz
You taught them everything they know.

Amargo
And did I ever get a “thank you”.

Pootz
Not a one!

12
 Beat as they both remember Mamon.

Amargo
At least Mamon was good.

Pootz
And driven.

Amargo
And if a driven crab leaves—

Pootz
Just makes it easier for the rest of us.

A beat of sadness

Amargo
But of course. The very next day…

We’re all sitting around,
the alarm goes off
And we started the “daily climb”
And we are all pulling and tugging and fighting for our freedom.
And out of nowhere. This giant…pinkish creature, five legs or something…
Just reaches into this bucket and picks up Mamon.
They were just sitting right over there. Resigned in defeat.
And that creature plucked them up… and we never saw Mamon again.

Pootz
Damn…

Amargo
What they must of thought…

Pootz
Must be nice.

Amargo
To be picked out of thin air.

Pootz
And have we heard, even ONCE from Mamon?!

Amargo
You’d think you’d help those that helped you along the way.

13
 Pootz
Guess you forget out there.

Amargo
I guess knowing someone since “The Before”
Just don’t mean that much on “The Outside”

Beat.

Pootz
What would you do?

Amargo
When?

Pootz
If you went to “The Outside”?

Amargo
I don’t know.

Pootz
Nah?

Amargo
I mean…I know what I used to think…

Pootz
What was that?

Amargo
Doesn’t matter. Left that in “The Used-To.”

Beat of forget.

Pootz
If I got out, I’d be—

Amargo
You’ve told me.

Pootz
Really?

Amargo
A million and one times.

14

Pootz
Sorry.

Beat of frustration.

Amargo
Maybe if you changed it…

Pootz
What?

Amargo
Forget it.

Pootz
No. Tell me.

Amargo
You don’t wanna hear it.

Pootz
Try me.

Amargo
Okay, but don’t get all mad after—

Pootz
I can handle it.

Amargo
Okay, cause last time—

Pootz
I can handle it!

Amargo
Okay.
Maybe if you changed it…you wouldn’t be here anymore.
You ever think about that?

Pootz
Sure but—

Amargo

15
 Maybe you could stand a chance if you stopped doing the same chit over and over
again.

Pootz
Okay.

Amargo
Cause your reason for getting out, sure ain’t getting you out.

Beat

Amargo
Now you’re all mad.

Pootz
Yeah...

Amargo
Told you.

Pootz
Whatever.

Amargo
I tried to warn you—

Pootz
Sure, sure

Amargo
So how about next time—

Pootz
I GET IT, OKAY?!

Amargo
THEN DON’T ASK FOR THINGS YOU CAN’T HANDLE—

Pootz
MAYBE IF YOU CARED, EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT, ABOUT HOW YOU BEING YOU
HURTS EVERYONE AROUND—

In that moment. We hear a voice in the distance. Screams of excitement and joy. They
grow in volume as they get closer and closer.

Pootz

16
 WE GOT A NEW ONE Y’ALL!

The crowd of crabs parts. They scurry to the sides of the bucket. This is something they
have done before.

We hear louder and louder

“weeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

And from the heavens falls a crab. This is Beb. Young. A dreamer. But feisty as shuck.
They fall, bounce around and then pop up!

Beb
OH MY GOD! Is this, is this…is this the…am I in the—is this the—did I fall into the—?

Pootz
Welcome to the shuckin’ bucket.

Beb
I’M IN THE SHUCKIN’ BUCKET!!!!!!!

Pootz
Yup.

Beb
Oh my god!
I’m actually here. I mean, I had hoped this would happen and I manifested this
happening!
But, I’m finally here!

Amargo (to Pootz)
Oh lord.

Beb
Look at this place. It’s even better than I imagined.
The orange is…spectacular! Let me touch it….(they do) is this…is this plastic?!?!
Amazing! And the smell…what is that—?
(Takes a whiff)
pungent for sure!
Gonna have to get used to that!
What an amazing place.
I mean, no matter how many people tell you about it or show you pictures
it just doesn’t do it justice.
Hello to my new home…HELOOOOOO BUCKET!

17
 Beb notices Amargo and Pootz. They look at Beb with utter contempt.

Beb
Hey! How are you? So nice to meet you.
I cannot explain how nice it is to meet other “special” crabs.
I mean, where I’m from, crabs aren’t like me, I imagine you know that, but I could
not WAIT to get out of that place and finally be here—
with the likes of you “Special Crabs!” haHA!
You know in my town, they even called me “special” as an insult.
Like it’s a bad thing to be “special.”
I mean, if to dream big is to be “special”, then call me “SPECIAL!”
Amiright?!?!

Awkward silence.

Okay. Quiet crabs over here...
sorry I kinda get a blabber mouth when I get excited.

But hey! I’m IN THE BUCKET!
Next stop “The Outside!”

Amargo and Pootz stare at Beb. This energy is painful to them.

Beb
Oh, sorry. I get it. I’ll just go over here. And unpack.
I’m sure you two were in the middle of something…

Beb starts to go but trips over something.

Beb
Woops. I’m so clumsy.

Beb picks up a piece of dead crab leg.

Beb (cont’d)
What is this…?

Pootz
That’s Tuang’s leg.

Beb
Excuse me.

Amargo
Was Tuang’s leg.

18
 Pootz
Right. That was Tuang’s leg.

Beb
Oh god!

Amargo
Yeah, Tuang died.

Beb
GROSS!

Amargo
Yeah. But Tuang was a control freak so…

Pootz
Bye-bye Tuang.

Beb
Well, let’s throw Tuang out.

Amargo
You may have failed to notice, but you now live in a bucket.
Not many places to throw things out.

Beb
What about that door?

Amargo
You can only open that door for one reason.

Beb
What’s that?

Amargo
To go back to “The Before”

Beb
Aw shuck that chit.
That door ain’t for me!

Amargo and Pootz make a “sure bitch” face.

Beat as Beb holds Tuang’s leg.

Ponders the door and then—

19

Beb
Wait…are you two…joking with me?!?!
I LOVE IT!
But don’t worry. Two can play that game. Shukin’ jokers joshin’ around!
hahahaHA!

Beb awkwardly tosses Tuang’s leg aside and goes to an empty spot.
Beb retreats into their shell and we see items pop out as they unpack.
A picture of their mother, a crab diary, etc.

Silence.

It gets to be too much.

And so…

Amargo and Pootz return to the routine.

Amargo
Remember Gilb?

Pootz
Yeah…

Amargo
At least we ain’t Gilb.

Pootz
That old decrepit crab.

Amargo
Lived here until what?

Pootz
I think Gilb was like 373.

Amargo
Damn that’s old.

Pootz
Yup.

3
The average lifespan of a crab is 30. So 37 is old as fuck in crab.

20
 Amargo
And you would see Gilb, always looking out.
Trying to place themselves in the right spot.

Pootz
You gotta admire it. They had hope.

Amargo
If that’s what you wanna call it.

Pootz
I remember this one time near the end. It was nighttime.
And I caught Gilb stretching.
Like full on, on their back, stretching their 10 little legs.
And I was like,
“what the shuck you doin’ Gilb?”
And Gilb was like,
“You never know, tomorrow could be the day. And I intend to be ready.”

Both crabs laugh their asses off.

Pootz
What a sap!

Amargo
I almost admire it. To actually believe that many years in.

Pootz
Just probably didn’t have much else going for it, you know?

Beat as both Crabs make it about themselves.

Pootz
That was such a horrible death.

Amargo
Appalling.

Pootz
I didn’t know that a shell could break like that.

Amargo
Well, they got to the top.
You can’t survive the fall if you get to the top.

Pootz

21
 It’s too much.

Amargo
I mean a halfway fall…

Pootz
I’ve had so many of those.

Amargo
Almost doesn’t even hurt anymore.

Pootz
The worst fall I ever had—

Amargo
—You were 3/4ths of the way up, yeah yeah, you’ve told this story.

Pootz
Hey! How could I forget? I had never been that close.

Amargo
Yeah. I’m sure you were soooo close.

Pootz
I was.
I know you’re mad cause I got closer than you ever did,
but that don’t mean you get to act like it didn’t happen.

Amargo
Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Pootz
But it’s true.

Amargo
Keep telling yourself that!

Pootz
I will!

Amargo
Okay, great!

Pootz

22
 Cause, it’s what happened!

Amargo
Didn’t say it wasn’t.

Pootz
But you implied—

Amargo
—That’s your own chit.

Pootz
Sure.

Beat as they both consider making new friends…but who?

Beb has finished unpacking and comes and stands awkwardly next to them.

a tense beat.

Beb
Gilb sounds like a character…

Awkward, “who asked you” silence.

Beb
So…how long y’all been here?

Awkward “are you still there” silence.

Beb
2 years…? 6 months…?

Pootz
Long.

Beb
Like how long?

Pootz
Loooooooooooong.

Beb
Oh?

23
 Pootz
Yup.

Beb
Did y’all come alone or--?

Amargo
Doesn’t matter.

Beb
All right…

Beat

Beb
…I came here alone. I mean, I had a boo back home, but they just didn’t get this…
So, had to get rid of them.
Can’t have anyone getting in my way, you know?

Pootz
I had someone in “The Before.”

Beb
Yeah?

Pootz
Yeah. They were real nice, though. Not like yours.
Mine was very supportive.

Beb
Oh.

Pootz
The day I decided to come to the bucket. They told me to not even look back.
Said, “you just keeping walking cause all that life has in store for you is ahead.”
And so I did just that.

Beb
That’s nice.

Pootz
Yeah, but they were so annoying.
Like when we were gonna go out to eat, I would say,
“hey where you wanna go eat?”
and they would say
“wherever you want honey.”

24
 .
.
.
so annoying.

Beat.

Beb (To Amargo)
What about you? You have anyone in “The Before?”

Amargo
Doesn’t matter.

Beb
Why?

Amargo
It’s in “The Before.” And so it stays there.

Beb
Well…I bet if you said it out loud. It would feel real nice.

Amargo
Unlikely.

Beb
Like whenever I get sad, I just say happy chit out loud, and it feels good.

Amargo
Sounds riveting.

Beb
Like when I’m real sad, like real real sad,
I just say the word “Grandparent.”
And it makes me feel better.

Amargo
I bet it does.

Beb
(doing it) Grandparent!
See what my mouth did.
That like little smile poppin’ out from the side of my lips right here.

Amargo
Impressive.

25

Beb
That’s a “you-aint-that-sad-smile.”
My parent called it that.
Like, you think you’re sad but you ain’t that sad.

Awkward, “I hate how happy you are” silence.

Pootz
Uncle Chewy!

Amargo
What are you—

Pootz
What? I though I’d try it.

Amargo
Jesus.

Beb
Felt nice right?

Pootz
Actually, yes.

Beb
You feel your face do that “I-aint-that-sad” smile?

Pootz (doing the smile)
Actually…yes.
Yes I did thank you very much

Beb (to Amargo)
See crab. It works.

Amargo
If that’s your sample size—

Beb (to the heavens)
Hey Uncle Chewy, you are awesome!

Pootz (to the heavens)
YES YOU ARE!

Beb

26
 UNCLE CHEWY IS AWESOME!

Pootz
YES YOU WERE CHEWY!

Pootz starts to cry.

Amargo
Oh god.

Pootz (in tears)
Oh sorry, that was—

Beb
Don’t apologize for feeling your feels! That’s awesome!
UNCLE CHEWYYYY!

Pootz (through tears)
UNCLE CHEWYYYYYYYYYYY!

Beb goes to Amargo.

Beb
C’mon. You try—

Amargo
Don’t drag me into your nonsense.

Beb
Just trying to—

Amargo
Maybe you need to yell at the heavens but I don’t.
Silence is just fine.

Beb
Maybe if you just—

Amargo
What?

Beb
You know what? I’m not doing this.

Amargo
What?

27

Beb
Cheering you up.
I always do this. Try to fix the unfixable.
But, clearly you don’t want to be cheered up and that’s fine.

Amargo
It is.

Beb
I’m not even gonna try and change you.
Cause you seem quite committed to sadness.

Pootz
Very committed.

Beb
Not me. I stay positive. That’s what’s got me here.

Amargo
Sounds lovely.

Beb
Once I heard about the bucket. I knew it was the place for me.
So, I just started saying to myself, “in the bucket.”
No matter how hard a day was, or how mean someone treated me,
I would just repeat to myself,
“in the bucket.”
Cause I wanted to be here.
And I knew if I manifested it, it would come true.

Pootz
Wow.

Beb
And now that I’m here. I’ll have a new mantra,
“On The Outside.”
Because I didn’t just come to be in the bucket, no, not me,
I’m here to go to where the most special of the special crabs go—
“The Outside.”

Pootz
You’re amazing.

Beb
Hey. You can do it too!

28

Pootz (trying it out)
“On The Outside…”

Beb
“On The Outside!”

Pootz (getting into it)
“On The Outside!”

Amargo (to Pootz)
Really? You’re doing this?

Pootz
I didn’t say it worked, I’m just trying it out…

Beb
Who are you to tell them what they can and can’t do?

Amargo
Excuse me?

Beb
Who died and made you king of the bucket?

Beat. Beb has no idea what they just got into it.

Amargo
…It must be nice.

Beb
What?

Amargo
To just tell yourself things.

Beb
It’s pretty easy actually.

Amargo
Oh, I’m aware it’s easy.

Beb
Then do it.

Amargo

29
 No thanks. I like reality.

Beb
Suit yourself.

Amargo
Look, I know why you do it.

Beb
Do you?

Amargo
It’s nice to believe in nonsense.
It gives you the illusion of control.
And that is, inarguably, a very nice thing to believe in.
But I can’t do that…because…science.

Beb
Why isn’t manifesting science?

Amargo
Because it’s not a real thing
It’s just something you and your dummy friends made up

Beb
But it’s energy!

Amargo
What is energy?

Beb
You know, what you put out.

Amargo
No, but like, tangibly, what is energy?

Beb
I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Amargo
Energy is just a word crabs substitute for god.

Beb
You are so shut down.

Amargo

30
 No. I’m not. That’s the point.
You are shut down.
To the truth.
Because it’s difficult. .

See, there are smart crabs and there are dumb crabs.
And smart crabs understand that chit is complicated.
So they study chit, they write chit down and they analyze every miniscule detail of
chit.
Because they understand how little they know about chit and they want to be ready
when chit hits the fan.

But most crabs prefer to be dumb.
Because being dumb is easy.
It allows you to believe in nonsense; like energy, or karma, or the pinchey tooth
fairy.

So I understand why you believe that uttering the words
“on The Outside”
will somehow be the reason you end up
“on The Outside”.
Because it feels swell.
And feeling swell is a hell of a lot easier than living in reality

Beat. This stings every crab in the bucket.

Beb
You really are one crusty crab.

Amargo
I’m not trying to be mean.
I’m trying to help.

Beb
If you think that helps, you must not be one of them smart crabs.

Beb walks away

Tense beat of silence.

Amargo and Pootz sit and stew in the bitterness of what just occurred.

Then. Amargo starts in on the routine.

Amargo
Remember Nene?

31

Pootz
Hey…maybe we shouldn’t now?

Amargo
Excuse me?

Pootz
No, I was just saying that was kinda intense so…

Amargo
So what—?

Pootz
Nothing.

Amargo
I get in one argument and you can’t do our thing anymore?

Pootz
I didn’t—

Amargo
Then suck it up and ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Do you remember Nene?

Pootz
…yes…yes I do.

Amargo
Nene was so miserable.
But…then they started dating Feef. Got all happy and chit.
And like a week later Nene got out.

Pootz
Yeah…

Amargo
You think them being happy is the reason they got out?

Pootz
I mean, kinda—

Amargo
No.

32
 Pootz
But the timing was—

Amargo
Sure the timing was strange.
But it just so happened that Nene was about 7 crabs away from the top.
And in that moment
When Nene was 7 shucking crabs away from the top.
Lurd fell.
And because Lurd was a grotesque, fat filled waste of a crab,
Lurd took down the 6 crabs behind them.
Thus leaving Nene, who was sitting in 7th mothershucking place,
as the one at the top.

Do I give Nene credit for getting to 7th place all by themselves?
Sure.
Here’s a cookie Nene, dunk it in milk and shove it up your hole.
But do I think Nene dating someone new caused all the aforementioned chit to
happen?
No.
I don’t.
Because…science.

Pootz
You’re even more crabby than usual.

Amargo
Whatever.

Pootz
I’m just saying that—

Amargo
Saying what?!?!?!

Pootz
I’m just trying to—!

Beb gets up!

Beb
Oh my god will you two stop!

Amargo
Who asked you crab?

33

Beb
You especially!
Why are you so mean to your friend?

Pootz
Hey, that’s between us!

Amargo
Yeah, mind your own business kid.

Beb
I’m trying. But you two yammer on so much, it’s hard to ignore.

Pootz
Well you’re yammering got them in a bad mood, so stop!

Beb
Oh so they can insult me left and right but I can’t say anything?!

Pootz
Yeah. Those are the rules.

Beb
Those are some dumb pinchey rules.

Pootz
If you don’t like it, moooooooove over there.

Beb
Oh really, so if I just waddle on sideways to that end of the bucket you think I won’t
hear you bozos?

Pootz
I don’t really give a—

Beb
Okay, just waddling over here. Don’t mind me.

Pootz
We won’t!

Beb
Just gonna go aaaaaalllll the way over to this side of the bucket.

Pootz

34
 Have a nice time.

Beb (fake yelling)
What did you say?!

Pootz
I said, “have a nice time!”

Beb (fake yelling)
What?! I can’t hear you. You’re sooo faar away.

Pootz
I SAID—

Amargo
You boob, they’re messing with you.

Pootz
They’re what?

Amargo
Messing with you.

Pootz
No they’re not—

Beb
Yes I am, you dumb-dumb.

Amargo
See.

Pootz
Oh.

Beb
Of course I can hear you.
Everyone can hear everything in this bucket!

Pootz
You make a fair point.

Beb
You really are a dummy.

Amargo

35
 See why I—

Beb
Now I do, yes.

Amargo
I’m just trying to help them, actually.

Beb
Seems kind now.

Amargo
Someone ought to interfere with their stupidity before it gets us all killed.

Beb
Good plan.

Pootz
I’m right here!

Beb
See. You can hear me.

Amargo
Well played.

Beb
Thanks.

Pootz
Well. Woop-de-doo. Har Har.
Lots of fun all around at my expense.
But if you don’t mind, we were in the middle of something.

Beb
That’s why I stopped you.
Because your “something” is the turd in this punch bowl.
Your constant complaining
- which we all hear because the walls are orange echoey plastic –
is sucking the fun out of this place.
So maybe you both could just try to keep it positive.

Beat as they project onto the thing that just occurred.

Amargo
Easy for you to say.

36

Beb
Excuse me.

Amargo
“Keep it positive.”
That’s an easy thing for you to say.

Beb
Why?

Amargo
You’ve never had “an almost”.

Beb
A what?

Amargo
“An almost”.

Pootz
It’s the worst thing to have.

Beb
What the shell is that?

Amargo
It’s when you come face to face with something you want.

Pootz
Not that you say you want.

Amargo
Or think you want.

Pootz
But that chit that you want so badly that you even keep it from yourself.

Amargo
And suddenly,

Pootz
there it is,

Amargo
right in front of you.

37

Pootz
And you picture yourself in the glow of the achievement of it.

Amargo
You start planning your life as if it already happened.

Pootz
“what will my day be like tomorrow, now that striving for it is gone!”

Amargo
And it feels so good!

Pootz
And then…

Amargo
For seemingly no reason at all,

Pootz
It just doesn’t happen.

Amargo
“An almost” is the worst of them all.

Beat as the pain of an “almost” fills the bucket

Beb
Yeah, well.
That doesn’t mean you get to sit around and complain all day.
You gotta just take the lumps
Build your character and move on.
Cause tomorrow is a new day.
And “an almost” is just what you make of it.

Beat and then Amargo and Pootz die laughing

Amargo and Pootz
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pootz
“An almost is just what you make of it”

Amargo
Oh that is rich!

38
 Pootz
Please tell me how “an almost” feels! HAHAHA

Beb
Oh what?! So you just wallow in self-pity?

Amargo
YES!

Pootz
Of course you do!

Amargo
You leave “an almost” and your drive straight to the godforshaken bar.

Pootz
You order a bottle of the strongest drink—

Amargo
You empty it’s contents into you gut.

Pootz
Until you can’t muster the motivation to leave your bed for a week.

Beb
But you have to forge on!

Amargo
Of course you do kid.
But you also get to be sad.
These are not mutually exclusive activities.

Beb
Well, that’s not me.
“Sad” ain’t never got me anything I wanted.

Amargo
I swear I almost want to spare you because
…one day you’ll end up like us.

Beb
I’m not gonna end up like you two.

Pootz
What’s wrong with us two!?

39
 Beb
Look at youse.
Talkin’ chit all day.

Pootz
Yeah! So?

Beb
I mean, you talking about “decrepit” Gilb.
Look at you two?

Pootz
WOAH! Do NOT compare us to Gilb!

Beb
Why not? Three decrepit crabs. What’s so hard to compare.

Pootz
Gilb was like 37.

Beb
Exactly.

Pootz
We are not 37.

Beb (genuinely shocked)
…What?!

Pootz
We are sooooo not 37.

Beb
Wait…really?

Pootz
YES REALLY!

Beb
Oh.

Amargo
How old do you think we are?

Beb
37.

40

Amargo
Really?

Beb
How many times I gotta say it…yes, I think you two crusty decrepit crabs are 37.

Pootz
Wow…

Amargo
I guess we do look that old…

Pootz
My pap-x always said, “you’ll always think you look the way you did when you were
6.”

Amargo
What a cliché we’ve become.

Beat. They ponder becoming clichés.

Beb
You want the truth?

Pootz
I can take it kid.

Amargo
No you can’t.

Beb
They’re right. You can’t.

Amargo
We’re 30 by the way…so…that’s not what you thought.

Beb
That’s still old.

Amargo
Well relative to you, yes but…

Beb
That’s like—why-the-hell-you-still-in-this-bucket-old.

41
 Amargo
Oh yeah?

Beb
Yeah.
Like, y’all should quit old.

Pootz
Really?

Beb
Yeah.
If I’m still in this bucket at 30.
I’m gonna grab Tuang’s leg and stab myself through the shell.
Cause shuck that.

Beat. Both Amargo and Pootz consider it.
As they have many times throughout the years.

Beb
Sorry. No offense.

Amargo
None taken.

Pootz
It’s cool.

Amargo
I admire your chutzpah.

Beb
Thank you….what that’s?

Amargo
Just something you’ll lose.

Beat.

Beb
Well look, I’m sorry I said all that.
Just, you know, I’m hoping y’all can keep it a little more positive, okay?

Pootz
Okay.

42
 Beb
Cause, it’s only my first day…and I still got dreams!

Amargo
Good for you.

Beb
What harm is there in a little fun while we wait for our dreams?

Beat as they deal with what that word means to them.

Amargo
“Fun.”
I used to be “fun.”
I wish you had met me then.
You would have liked “fun” me.

Pootz
Amargo was so fun.

Beb
No way.

Pootz
Yes. So fun!

Beb
Really?

Pootz
The most fun crab in the bucket.

Amargo
I mean, when I was very young, I was fun.
But “fun” is an easy thing to be.
No one goes to a museum to look at a “fun” painting.
Arthur Miller didn’t diddle with “fun”.
If you want fun, shove a thumb up your hole and fire a rocket.
Anything and anyone can be “fun”.
All it requires is energy.

Beb
I thought you didn’t believe in energy…

Amargo
…as I was saying

43
 I was fun
But then I realized that I wanted to be more than other crabs…so I got funny.
I learned impressions and practiced making sounds with my legs and…you know,
“funny.”
and that served me quite well. It made others like me.
They would say, “you are sooo funny.” And I liked that. It made me feel nice.
But I got bored of that too.
Because if morons liking you is why you wake up everyday…
you’re probably a moron too.

Pootz
Obvi.

Amargo
And so I read, I practiced, and I mastered fun and funny—
and got hilarious.

Pootz
Oh boy were you hilarious!

Amargo
I could sit over there and have all of the best crabs rolling backwards and forwards.

Pootz
Remember the one where you would say,
“I hope this Christmas we see Santa Claws!”
hahahaHAHAHAHA”

Amargo
That was an old one…that’s not…why would you bring that one up as an example—?

Pootz
Oh man and remember the time—

Amargo (snapping)
ENOUGH!

Pootz
Sorry.

Amargo
See. I’m not fun anymore.
Or funny or hilarious.
That’s all long gone.

44
 Beb
What are you now?

Amargo
Witty.

Beb
What’s wrong with that?

Amargo
Nothing. It’s inarguably the best one.
But you gotta have a lot of pain to be witty.
So I hope for your sake…that you stay fun.

beat

Beb
I haven’t heard you be witty.

Amargo
You’re lucky then.

Beb
I’ve mostly just heard you be a blowhole.

Amargo
It’s kind of the same thing.

Beb
Blowholes aren’t witty.

Amargo
Darling. I could level your hopes in a phrase.
So you better hope I don’t get witty anytime soon.

Beat as the threat hits the young crab.

Beb
Well, I’ll let all the other crabs know y’all still chit talk about them.

Amargo
Will you?

Beb
Yeah, when I get out…imma tell the “outside” crabs about how you two crusty crabs
just keep talking about them, even when they were long gone.

45

Amargo
Please do.

Beb
We gonna be eating the best food on a beautiful boat somewhere and y’all gonna be
talking about how you once knew us.

Amargo
I’m sure.

Beb
You’ll see.

Amargo
It doesn’t mean your good.

Beb
Oh, really?

Amargo
Being on “The Outside” does not mean you have merit.

Beb
Of course it does. That’s the whole point.

Amargo
No. It’s not.
The actual point. The real reason to be here is to be good.
Or even great.
Or dare I say, a generational talent
And the faster you learn that—

In that moment an alarm goes off. The bucket begins to shake!

Beb
What the shuck is that?!

Pootz
IT’S HAPPENING!

Beb
Right now?

Amargo
You think you get a warning?!

46

Beb
I’M OUTTA HERE!

Pootz
Shuck…I’m outta here!

Amargo
Good luck.

And they are OFF!
The crabs fight to get to the top.
They pull each other, claw, they punch. It is vicious.
And then they start climbing on each other’s backs.
One on top of the other and somehow Beb is at the very top.

Beb
I’M GETTING OOOOUT!

Suddenly a crab shell falls from the heavens and knocks Beb down.
This allows “Steev” to get out.
The rest of the crabs fall to the ground!

Beb
WHAT THE SHUCK?!

Amargo
What?

Beb (to Amargo)
Why did you do that to me?

Amargo
I didn’t do anything—

Beb
You just made me fall!

Amargo
No. I didn’t.

Beb
You blowhole you just pulled me back!

Amargo
I was trying to get out myself.

47
 Beb
No you weren’t! You just pulled me Pootz
down when I was about to get out! SHUCKING STEEV?!?!

Amargo Pootz
That’s not true. Some blowhole fell on STEEV GOT OUT?!
top of all of—
Pootz
Beb I can’t live knowing that of all
You pulled me down just to prove a shucking crabs that STEEV GOT OUT!!!
point!?! AAAAAARGHHH!!

Amargo
Will you stop going on about Steev!

Pootz
But—

Beb
You blowhole, you took it from me cause you never had it.

Amargo
LISTEN KID!
You got close.
But then a shell fell on all of us and knocked us down—

Beb
That’s Bullchit! You pulled me down.

Amargo
I was just trying to get out myself!
That’s how this works.
No one gets out without the others,
and sometimes no one gets out because of the others.

Beb
Shuck you! I’m getting out.

Amargo
I sure hope so.

Pootz
I mean if STEEV CAN GET OUT!

Amargo
SHUT UP ABOUT STEEV!!!!

48

Silence.

Beb
I was so close…

Amargo
That’s your first “almost” kid.

Beb
Well…I ain’t ever gonna…it won’t…I don’t “almost”…I just won’t ever “almost” again.

Amargo
But you will.

Beb
What are the chances anyway?
this pinchey shell fell from the heavens and knocked us down.
I mean, where did this shell come from anyhow?!

The shell moves.

Beb
What the—?

The shell moves again.

Pootz
What the shuck is—

Amargo
Who is that?

Out of the shell pops—

Mamon
Hey guys.

Amargo
Mamon? What are you—

Mamon
I’m back.

The lights begin to dim. Pootz looks up.

49
 Pootz
IT’S THE LID Y’ALL!

A lid is placed on the bucket.

Darkness.

50
 ACT II
Light up on the bucket, but something is different. The bucket looks newer, cleaner, a
little more hopeful. The lights are even a bit brighter. This is the bucket twenty years
ago.

And then, we hear two voices yelling in excitement.
Two shells fall from the heavens and Bang, Bounce, Crash!

Popping out are a young Amargo and a young Mamon.

Amargo
Wasssssuuup Bucket!

Mamon
Yo! Yo! Yo! Suck it Bucket!

Both
Hahahahahah!

Amargo
We’re here.

Mamon
We are shucking here!

Amargo (like an announcer at a stadium)
Crustaceans and Mollusks!

Mamon (playing along)
Put your claws together.

Amargo
For your newest arrivals!

Mamon
And soon to be quickest departures!

Amargo
Future stars of “The Outside”!

Mamon
Amaaaaaaaaarrrgo!

Amargo
And Mamooooooooooon!

51
 Both
(like in techno songs) Bum, bum, bum, bum BAAAAAAH!
Hahahahahahaha!

Beat as the excitement turns into reality.

Amargo
We made it…

Mamon
I can’t believe we did it…
Well, I can believe you did,
But not me.

Amargo
Oh, c’mon, you always wanted this.

Mamon (getting emotional)
Yeah but…
You pushed me.
Thanks for that.

Amargo
Can’t be going to the bucket without my best friend.

Mamon
Well, thanks.

Amargo
Yo! Cheer up!
We’re here, don’t get all emo.

Mamon
I’m not
I just…
Can you promise me something?

Amargo
Of course.

Mamon
When you go to “The Outside”
Don’t forget me, okay.

Amargo
Of course not.

52

Mamon
No but really.
Promise.

Amargo
I promise.

Mamon
Cause like, if I’m stuck here alone
I won’t do well

Amargo
You won’t be stuck here.

Mamon
Yeah…I know.

Amargo
Remember our promise
No matter what happens
We help each other on out, right?

Mamon
Of course.

Amargo
And we got each other’s backs, right?
Like you fall, I pick you up
I succeed, you cheer me on
Right?

Mamon
Always.

Amargo
And look,
I know we joke all the time and bust each other’s holes but the truth is…
I look up to you.
I have since high school.

Mamon
Really?

Amargo
Yeah!

53
 Why do you think I was always making fun of you?
I was intimidated.
And guess what, the pinchey crabs in this bucket
They are about to feel intimidated too.

Mamon
You’re not just saying that?

Amargo
C’mon…you’re my friend.

Mamon
What does that have to do with what you just said?

Amargo
You know I love you.

Beat as Mamon tries to figure out if Amargo meant what they said…

Mamon
Yeah, yeah, I know.

Amargo
Now c’mon!
Let’s go talk to those old shuckin’ crabs over there, what are they like 37 or
something?!

Then the lights and the bucket rot back to the present.
.
An older Mamon on one side of the bucket.
Old ass Amargo and Pootz on the other
Beb in the middle.

Amargo
Welcome back Mamon.

Pootz
Shuckin’ Mamon.

Beb
Who the shuck is Mamon?

Mamon
I’m Mamon.

Beb

54
 And who the shuck are you?

Pootz
A crab that got out.

Beb
So why are you back here, Mamon?

Amargo
Good question.

Pootz
Shuck if I know.

Beb
Mamon, why are you back here?

Mamon
It’s complicated, babe.

Amargo
Oh shuck.

Pootz
Typical Mamon.

Beb
What?

Amargo
Bullchit answer.

Mamon
To a bullchit question.

Amargo
I guess so.

Beb
Y’all know each other?

Pootz
Yeah. They taught them everything they know.

Mamon
Really? Wasn’t aware of that.

55

Amargo
Is that why you never said “thank you”

Mamon
Oh, I’m sorry, did you want a thank you card?

Amargo
No prickface, I didn’t want a thank you card.

Mamon
“Dear Numbnuts, even though you had nothing to do with me getting out—

Amargo
Here we go.

Mamon
Please accept this card as a token for your ego—

Amargo
Uh uh.

Mamon
Feel free to rub it on your privates when you’re trying to make sense of your
failures.

Amargo
Keep going—

Mamon
Love, someone who actually got out, Mamon.”

Amargo
But now you’re back here.

Mamon
Right where we started.

A tense beat.

Beb
I’m gonna ask again, why the SHUCK are you in here Mamon!?!

Mamon
I said it’s complicated.

56
 Amargo
Good to see you still trade in lies and ambiguity.

Mamon
Good to see you’re still obsessed with me.

Amarago
You been working out shellhole?
You look not so fattie.

Mamon
Somehow you look even older.

Beb
ENOUGH!
Answer the question Mamon.
Where did you come from and why are you here?

Mamon
Like I said.
It’s complicated babe.
I can’t explain it.

Amargo
Failure is difficult to explain.

Mamon
You mean your decades of simmering in it haven’t given you any clarity on the
matter?

Amargo
I guess not.

Another tense beat.

Beb
Well, Mamon. You can kiss my hole.
You knocked me down when I was near the top.
But guess what?
It was my first time and I got there,
so I’ll just do it again.

Mamon (to Amargo)
They new?

Amargo

57
 What do you think?

Mamon
Of course.

Amargo
Just wait till you hear about “manifesting.”

Mamon
Oh boy.

Amargo
Yup.

Beb
Hey dillholes. Make fun all you want but both of you are the reason I’m still here.
So (to Amargo) shuck off, (to Mamon) shuck off and…(To Pootz) well not you, you’re
all right.

Pootz
Thanks.

Beb
But y’all enjoy catch up time. I’m out.

Beb goes to the side. Crawls into their shell.

Pootz
Why did you come back?

Mamon
I did not choose to come back.

Pootz
So what happened?

Mamon
I could try and explain but you two wouldn’t understand.

Amargo
Didn’t realize it was possible for you to somehow become even more repulsive—

Mamon
You’ve just never been to “The Outside” so…

Beat.

58

Pootz
Are you here for good?

Mamon
Sure hope not.

Amargo
How you gonna get out?

Mamon
Same way you’ve been failing at for 20 years.

Amargo
You think I’ve been failing?

Mamon
Still here.

Amargo
Yes, all that matters is getting out.
I forgot that was always your narrow pinchey worldview.

Mamon
I mean this isn’t subjective.
The rules are pretty clear here.
There is a bucket.
The goal is to leave the bucket.
You are 0 for 20 years in getting out of said bucket.
…so yes, I would say you’ve been failing.

Amargo
You’re right.

Mamon
I know.

Amargo
In the way in which you measure life, I am a failure.

Mamon
Yes you are.

Amargo
But in the way I measure life…I beat you years ago.

59
 Mamon
How’s that?

Amargo
Well,
Because of who you are.
Innately.
A Frankenstein of self-obsession.
So, no matter where you end up,
inside or outside the bucket,
you will most certainly die alone.
Maybe you’ll have one or two dweebs who pretend to care about you because of
your “outside” status…
but by any tangible measure, you will die alone.

Mamon
Or maybe I’ll die here with you.

Amargo
Don’t let me stop you.

Mamon
Well anyway, I got friends, so…

Amargo
Who? That pink whatever that picked you out of nowhere.

Mamon
Musta thought I was special.

Amargo
Yeah, that’s it.

Mamon
Coulda picked anyone up,
but it chose me.

Amargo
Doesn’t mean they’re your friend.

Mamon
And who’s your friend?

Pootz
Me.

60
 Mamon
They’re not you’re friend.
You are the loser Amargo uses as a measuring stick to feel good about themselves.

Amargo
Shuck off.

Mamon
Amargo doesn’t have friends
Amargo has followers
And you can’t be both.

Pootz (to Amargo)
Is that true?

Amargo
No, it’s…
C’mon! Who sits with you everyday and…talks.

Pootz
That’s true.

Amargo
So yeah…I’m your friend.
And they are just a douche who will die alone.

Mamon
Round 1. Mamon.

A tense beat of history.

Then Mamon goes over to Beb SL.

Pootz sits down sadly. Amargo sits with them SR

Mamon (knocking on Beb’s shell)
Hey kid.

Beb (inside the shell)
What?

Mamon
I’m sorry.

Beb (inside)
You should be.

61

Mamon
Well I am.
I swear I had nothing to do with the fall.
I got…well…it’s a long story, but I promise I didn’t mean to do that.
I mean if it had been that bastard, I’d be very happy to have done that.
But not you…you seem all right.
I’m sorry.

Beb pops out.

Beb
Thank you.

Mamon
Very impressive though.

Beb
What?

Mamon
To make it to the top on your first day.

Beb
Oh.

Mamon
I mean, I probably made it to like 20th place on my first day.

Beb
Yeah, well, I know what I want.

Mamon
Good.

Beb
Known since I was a baby.

Mamon
Me too.

Beb
Yeah?

Mamon
Oh yeah. I always knew.

62
 I mean, maybe not consciously, but I knew.
Somewhere inside…I knew that I was special.

Amargo
Not coming off like a douche at all!

Mamon
See. They are gonna do that.
No matter what you say, or what dreams you share.
They will do everything they can to knock them down.
Because your clear as shuck vision reminds them of their muddled failure.
Ignore that shade

Beb
Thank you.

Mamon
And look. A little advice from “The Outside.”

Amargo
Not there anymore!

Mamon
Be entitled.

Beb
What do you mean?

Mamon
Just what I said.
Don’t make excuses and don’t apologize.
Be entitled.

Beb
Okay…

Mamon
You spend the rest of your time here, knowing that you are entitled to good chit.
You are entitled to “The Outside.”
That’s the difference between the crabs in here and the crabs out there.
See those two crabs—

Amargo and Pootz stare back in disgust.

Mamon
They are mad. They are bitter. They are pathetic and sad.

63
 But out there. No one is sad.
They are entitled.
They are entitled to more, so they get more.
They are entitled to respect, so they get respect.
You see what I’m saying?

Beb
Yeah.

Mamon
So entitle yourself to a special life.

Beb
Thank you.
That means a lot coming from you.
Anyone who could get out is a hero to me.

Mamon (raising a leg to it’s heart)
How humbling.
Thank you.

Amargo
Oh for shuck’s sake…

Pootz
I just threw up in my carapace4.

Mamon
Hey, no one asked you two.

Pootz (doing a mocking voice)
I’m so humbled.

Amargo (doing a mocking voice)
Really, you saying nice humble things to me, is soooooo humbling.

Pootz (mocking voice)
Yes. I humble you by saying humbling things that humble me…

Amargo (mocking voice)
Thank you humble master

Pootz and Amargo
Hahahahahahahaha
4
What crabs have instead of a mouth.

64

Mamon
You shucking blowholes. I am humbled. It feels nice to be a hero to someone.

Amargo
See!!!!
You don’t understand the meaning of the word “humble.”

Pootz
Yeah, that’s not how that word is used.

Mamon
I did not miss this.

Pootz
I mean, I guess some crabs use it that way.

Amargo
Yeah, crabs who also happen to be raging narcissists.

Pootz
Exactly!

Mamon
Why is it so hard to get it through your cephalothorax that I was humbled by their
admiration!

Amargo
Because you feeling admired isn’t humbling!
It’s your ego getting an erection.
And just because you put your pervy claw up against your heart doesn’t mean you
understand the word you are using.

Mamon
You use it your way, I’ll use it my way—thank you very much.

Amargo
No moron!
You don’t get to do that.
This is a language.
It has been developed and perfected over eons
Long before your meaningless existence ever became a fart in the unfolding of
history.
So, no! You don’t get to change the meaning of the word “humble”.
That’s a shucking insult to language.
HUMBLING is losing your job after 30 years.

65
 HUMBLING is getting beaten by someone you know you are better than.
HUMBLING is being stuck in a pinchey bucket for over 20 years.

Them given you a compliment is REAFFIRMING, maybe even COMFORTING.
But when your ego is the size of the Indian Ocean you are incapable of being
HUMBLED!

Beb
HEY! Lay off. Christ! Can I have one positive interaction in this bucket without you
and dodo over there pissing all of over it!?

Amargo
I wasn’t trying to—

Beb
I don’t care what you were trying to do.
I’m telling you what you actually did.
So shut up!

Amargo
Okay.

Pootz
…Dodo?
Was that about me?

Amargo
Oh shut it!

Beat

Mamon
Thanks.

Beb
No worries.

Mamon
You really are special Beb…

Mamon tickles Beb on the leg.

Pootz
OH DANG! The tickle is still here.

Mamon

66
 Shut up.

Pootz
You still do that?
I thought being an outside crab would mean you didn’t use that anymore.

Beb
What are they talking about?

Pootz
Oh, it’s just their move.

Mamon
Don’t listen to them.

Pootz
It is! You always did that!

Mamon
That was a long time ago—

Pootz
Hey, I’m just surprised—

Beb
Shut up.

Amargo
Maybe you should slow down on the new one, okay?

Beb
Hey! Butt out Musslemuncher.
I’ll tell Mamon when Mamon is making me uncomfortable.
I can take care of myself.
At least they were being nice to me.

Mamon
Thank you.

Amargo
Oh sorry. I didn’t realize being nice was manipulating someone so that you get from
them what you want.

Mamon
Oh shuck off.

67
 Amargo
No really, I thought being nice was putting other people’s feeling ahead of yours.

Mamon
That’s what I was doing.

Pootz
No you weren’t.

Mamon
Yes I was.
I was apologizing for falling on them and that lead to some advice about “The
Outside”—

Amargo
Which was all premeditated to hopefully get your thorax sucked.

Pootz
Yeah dude, you were clearly trying to get your thorax sucked.

Mamon
Jesus, can’t a crab touch another crab without ulterior motives.

Pootz
Not a pervy pinchey crab like you.

Beb
OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP!

Mamon
Thank you.

Beb
No, you too! All three of you—SHUT UP!
I mean, does anything good happen in this bucket?!
Is this like some test?
Can none of you say a nice thing about another crab?!

Beat. Because they can’t.

Beb
My Mam-x used to say, “real friends are there for you in your successes”

Amargo
Well then, you are not gonna find any real friends here.

68
 Beb
Why?

Amargo
Because we’re all narcissists.

Beb
See! You just chit on my nice thing!

Amargo
Yes. Because I’m a card carrying narcissist.
I make chit about myself.
and Mamon does it at such a clip that it’s called being a sociopath.

Mamon
Oh, I’m worse than you?

Amargo
I’m sorry kid.
That’s what makes us “special” crabs.
We think we are sooo “special” that we pack up and leave the families who raised us.
We abandon our friends from childhood.
We renounce our history for the mere opportunity to prove just how “special” we
think we are.
We are so self-involved that we make the word narcissist lack in its bite.

Beb
Not me.

Amargo
Oh yeah?
Did you just hear that diatribe about “entitlement?”
Most crabs would projectile vomit at the mere sound of that.
But you sat there and thought,
”you know, this sociopath has a point.”

Mamon
I’m not a sociopath.

Amargo
Yes you are.

Pootz
Kind of are.

Amargo

69
 So sorry kid.
Chit gets ugly when everyone is after the same thing.

A beat of resignation. But dammit Beb still has gas left in the idealism tank.

Beb
No. That’s…like…what is that…?
Like, when people just start assuming things are the way they are, because that’s
what surrounds them…
what is that?

Pootz
I don’t know.

Beb
No, it’s like a study…like a theory or something, about…what is it?

Amargo
I literally have no idea what you’re—

Mamon
Yeah babe, sorry, I don’t—

Beb
Wait! It’s not a thing.
Well, it is a thing
But not like a known thing cause it’s just a thing I thought of!
This is my thing!
And I call this “the bubble” and “the bubble”—

Pootz
Oh no, “the bubble” is already a thing.

Beb
What?

Mamon
Definitely a thing.

Beb
Oh.

Pootz
It’s kinda of a new thing, so, I get why you—

Amargo

70
 Actually it isn’t.
It was called “Social Constructionism” before that—

Mamon
And probably called something else before that.

Pootz
But, still cool that you thought that.
Cause it’s a legit problem.

Amargo
And it’s normal at your age.
To believe you invented a thought.

Beb faces the loss and SHUCK NO, STILL GOT GAS IN THE TANK!

Beb
Nah, shuck that!
You said it yourself.
Smart crabs study chit, they write chit down and they invent chit—well guess what?
The bubble is already an idea, but ain’t nobody fixed it.
And I’m about to do just that!

Amargo
Oh really?

Beb
Yeah blowhole. By the time I’m done,
you and Mamon gonna be hugging and crying and screaming “Grandparent” to the
heavens.

Amargo
Oh fun.

Mamon
Screaming what?

Amargo
Just you wait.

Beb
Okay!
Let’s solve it.
Let’s solve the bucket!

Beat

71

Pootz
What?

Beb
Let’s solve the bucket!

Pootz
Like...give it a paint job or like…

Beb
No! Let’s solve it.
Let’s fix this!
I mean, I was told this was an amazing place
Where special crabs came and did special things

Pootz
It was.

Beb
So what happened?

Mamon
It just ain’t no more.

Beb
Why?
What changed?

Pootz
I don’t know.
We were all just here for a loooong time.
And then like Cvich was all mad at Lose Juis cause Lose Juis stole the—

Mamon
No it wasn’t Lose Juis.
It was Molmos.
Molmos was mad at Bubria for stealing that idea—

Pootz
No, Molmos came later,
It all started when Folis betrayed Mou Loreno—

Mamon
Or did Mou betray Folis? Who knows? Anyway, it actually all started because of the
whole Bowl Project thing that Pacob did.

72

Pootz
Ooooh yeah…Pacob…whatever happened to pinchey Pacob?

Mamon
Probably back home diddling thoraxes for coins.

Pootz
Just one question, who died and made Pacob king?!?!

Beb (forging on!)
Okay! Forget all that.
That’s in “The Before”
So, let’s look at the right now
And right now, we got a bunch of crabs in a bucket
And all those crabs want to go to “The Outside”….right?

Pootz
Right.

Beb
Okay, and why are we all here?

Pootz
Because we want to go to “The Outside.”

Beb
Exactly. And how do we get there?

Pootz
You have to win “the climb.”

Beb
And so we all just sit here all day waiting for that bell to ring.

Pootz
Yeah,
Those are the rules.

Beb
But why?
Why are we waiting for the bell?

Pootz
Cause…

73
 Beb
Cause what?

Pootz
If not it’s anarchy.

Beb
That’s a stupid reason!
Think about it.
What if we all just helped each other and pushed someone to the top?
We could literally get one of us out in like 5 seconds!
We could actually do that right now!

Pootz
How?

Beb
Just like a climb
But without the pushing and shoving.
You could literally just move this rock to right here.

Pootz
That’s not a rock that’s Jivera’s corpse.

Beb
Fine!
We use Jivera’s corpse
And then I stand on top of it.
and then Mamon could get on top of me
and then Amargo on top of Mamon
and then Amargo could use Tuang’s leg to like hook on to the edge
and so on and so forth—

Mamon
And then what? Someone gets out and what?

Beb
That crab could like reach their legs down and help the next one up
and we could keep doing that over and over again—

Mamon
Okay. And then what?
At some point, someone is left behind babe.

Beb
Why?

74

Mamon
Because we can’t all get out.
Some have to be stepping stones.

Beb
Why?!
Actually why?!

Pootz
That’s the game, kid.

Beb
Okay,
But what if it was like, in order of arrival!
and when new crabs came in like me,
we just explain to them that it’s first come first serve
and once you have waited long enough
you get to get out.
Then there will be no hard feelings, no luck, no random anything,
Just…time.

Pootz
This isn’t a terrible idea.

Beb
Thank you!

Pootz
Amargo would be the first cause they’ve been here the longest.

Beb
Great.

Pootz
And we all know Amargo deserves to get out cause—

Amargo
Are you an imbecile?

Pootz
I was just saying—

Amargo
That’s not how this works.
You can’t just have everyone who comes into the bucket go to “The Outside.”

75

Beb
Why not?

Amargo
Because some crabs are so deranged and pathetic
that their mere presence on “The Outside”
would automatically invalidate the very purpose—
of “The Outside!”

Beb
But all you do all day is complain that non-special crabs get out all the time—

Amargo
Of course
But at least this way there is some merit
There is something to achieve
Your way makes it so any crustacean with a shell gets to get out!

Beb
And what’s wrong with that!

Amargo
Because…there has to be a modicum of merit to all of this!

Beb
But look at who’s here!
Don’t you think all of us deserve to get out?

Amargo
Well…
I mean…
It’s just…

Pootz
Oh god.

Amargo
What?

Pootz
You don’t think I have what it takes.

Amargo
I didn’t say that.

76

Pootz
But I know you.
You hate Mamon, but you actually think they are good.
And you like Beb,
You yell at Beb but you like them.

Amargo
I wasn’t talking about you!
You’re so insecure.
Why do you make everything about you?

Pootz
So you do think I’m good?

Amargo
…you’re my friend.

Pootz
What does that have to do with my merit?

Amargo
Look, I’m just saying that for “The Outside” to mean something,
There needs to be some system.
No matter how flawed it is because “The Outside”—

Mamon
How the shuck would you know?

Amargo
Stay out of this—

Mamon
No really, how the shuck would you know about “The Outside?”

Amargo
I guess I don’t.

Mamon
You’re right you don’t.
You have no idea what it’s like on “The Outside.”

Beb
Well then tell us!

Mamon

77
 I can’t babe—

Beb
Why?
Why won’t you tell us.
All these vague answers like,
“you wouldn’t understand”
or
“It can’t be explained”
what happened to you out there?

Mamon
It’s complicated, okay?!

Amargo
They caught on to you being a hack didn’t they?

Mamon
What?

Amargo
They kept giving you chances and you couldn’t do it
Cause you never had it, right?

Mamon
Shuck off—

Amargo
And once they caught on to you being a fraud they sent you back, right?

Mamon
You’re so jealous of me
IT’s embarrassing.

Amargo
I’m not jealous.
I’m furious
I’m shucking righteous.

Mamon
Why?
Because everyone in high school thought that you were better?
Because everyone in the bucket thinks you’re better?
Well guess what?
I won!
I proved all those mother-shuckers wrong.

78
 All these mother-shuckers in the bucket never knew what it actually takes,
And so they crowned your hole too soon.
They crowned you King of the Bucket.
And that’s all you’ll ever be.

Amargo
You’re right.
You did, in actuality, get out
But guess what?
I’m David Letterman and you’re Jay Leno.
I’m Elena Ferrante and you’re Elizabeth Gilbert
I’m Radiohead and you’re The Dave Mathews Band.
And yes
there are enough simpletons with chitty taste in this world that make it so that crabs
of your ilk also get adulation
but at the end of the day
the smart crabs
the ones with taste, the ones in the know
the COOL crabs
will always think I was better than you.

Mamon
You know what David Letterman and Jay Leno have in common?
They got out!
You know what Elena Ferrante and Elizabeth Gilbert have in common?
They. BOTH. GOT. OUT.
So, you don’t get to compare yourself to those crabs until YOU GET OUT!

Amargo
…So, you did get found out?

Mamon
NO! I DIDN’T BLOWHOLE!
I JUST FELL, OKAY!?!?!
THAT’S IT!
I JUST FELL!

Beb
What do you mean…?

Mamon
Look.
You wanna know about “The Outside?”
Here’s the truth.
It’s the same as here.

79

Pootz
How?

Mamon
You get outside and yeah…it’s cool
It’s fancy. It feels more important.
But then you learn about an even nicer place called “The Higher”
And so you fight to get there
And then you learn about an even nicer-nicer place called “The Even More”
And so you do what you gotta do to get there
And eventually you learn about the nicer-nicer-nicer place called “The Top”
And only like 5 mothershuckin crabs make it to “The TOP”
So you start doing some crazy chit to be one of those mother shuckers!

Pootz
Like…drugs?

Mamon
Sure that.
But I mean
Think of all the compromises you have had to make to get here.
All those compromises that gave you a little uncomfortable knot in
the middle of your thorax
And you just keep pushing them down
Hoping they would go away…

Pootz
Yeah…?

Mamon
Well, there, you have to make lots of compromises
You have to make them over and over and over again.
And somehow the more comprises you make
the easier they are to bury

Beb
But…did you?
Did you get to “The Top”?

Mamon
I worked my shell off
I kissed hole, I played the game
I did whatever it took
And, yes, I did.
I finally got to “The Top.”

80

Beb
Wow…

Mamon
But…once you get where every crab wants to get
Well,
They turn on you.

And the worst part is
its mostly other crabs
because the lobsters, the shrimps, even the prawns celebrate you.
But not your fellow crabs

They start to judge harder than ever before.
they start to tear you down like never before.

Pootz
You mean, like here?

Mamon
Worse.
Everything out there is here but magnified.
I mean,
Here they just pull on your legs.
There, they pull on your family, your history, your legacy.
They don’t care what it is

And you think you figure out how to stop it
But suddenly, one of them back-stabbing Judases causes you to trip
And then you slip
And you fall
And you just keep falling
Until you’re back here.

Pootz
The shuckin’ bucket.

Mamon
So that’s why it’s complicated.
Cause once I started
I couldn’t stop falling

Beb
So, what your saying is…
we shouldn’t even be trying to go there?

81

Mamon
Oh no!
Nonononononononononono.
It’s waaaaay better than here
All the crabs are better looking, the sea urchins are delicious, the sand is just right
I mean…
It’s really shuckin’ nice!.
It’s waaaay better than here

A beat as they all remember their own falls.

Pootz
That doesn’t sound better
It just sounds worse.

Beb
But why?!
Why are all of these things so horrible?!
I mean we are the “special crabs” right?
We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dream!
How are we the ones creating such horrible places?

Mamon
Cause you have to give up so much just to get to the places where you can actually
make a difference…
And by the time you arrive you got none of that “special” left.

Beb
Well, not me.
Imma get to “The Top”
And I’ll remember why I came to the bucket in the first place.

Amargo
God Beb.
Your youth infuriates me.

Beb
Why?

Amargo
Because you are so wrong about—

Beb
No. I’m not.
I’m not wrong.

82
 Amargo
You are.
And for your sake,
you need to learn that this is about merit and integrity and—

Beb
Oh shut up…
I’m so exhausted by your monologues.
Your faux morals and your diatribes.
I’ve been here for two days and all you do is talk chit about every other crab
And you can’t even be happy for your friend here.
Mamon, got out!
Shouldn’t that make you happy?
Isn’t that integrity?

Amargo
Not if they forgot about me.

Beb
What does that have to do with how you feel?
Wouldn’t that be integrity? Actual integrity!
But guess what, you’re pissed Mamon got out
Because that’s what you desperately wanted!
You said it yourself
You are a narcissist
And you, like every other crab, just want what’s best for you!

Amargo
I just want this to mean something….

Beb
Yeah well,
Guess what Amargo?
You keep wanting it to be your way, but it’s another way.
And that’s why you will always be stuck in “The Almost”
Because you keep trying to change a game that was being played before you ever
existed.

Pootz
Who the shuck do you think—?

Amargo
It’s fine.

Pootz
No! Who does this pinchey shell think they are—

83

Amargo
They’re right.

Beat as they all try and figure out if Amargo is up to something.

Beb
Is this a set up for a…

Amargo
No.
You’re right.

For the first time in the bucket.
Amargo is unable to access that wit.

Beb
Oh.

Beat.

Mamon
Amargo stumped?
I never thought I’d see the day—

The alarm goes off! It starts to shake.

Pootz
IT’S HAPPENING Y’ALL!!!!!

Beb
C’mon, we can all do it!

Mamon
Get the shuck outta my way!

They all scramble.
They tug, they pull, they bite, they struggle.
Beb struggles.
Pootz is near the bottom.
Mamon is near the top.
Amargo is frozen from before.

Then.

As Amargo watches Beb struggle.

84
 Amargo remembers
And reaches deep inside
And rushes to the group
Amargo grabs Bebs from the bottom
and climbs and passes Pootz!
and climbs and passes Mamon!
and climbs to the top.

Amargo places Beb at the very top

Beb
You could do it?

Amargo
Just luck kid.

Beb
Why haven’t you done it before—?

Before Amargo can answer—
Mamon stabs Amargo in the shell with Tuang’s leg.
and throws them down. Causing all of the crabs to tumble down.

Mamon and Beb stand on the lip.

Pootz furious grabs a rock from the ground. Goes to throw it and Amargo stops them.

Pootz
What are you—

Amargo
It’s done.

Pootz
But Mamon stabbed you!
It wasn’t fair!
Mamon cheated again!

Amargo
It’s fine.
It’s not the first time I got stabbed.

From the top, Beb looks down at Amargo.

Beb

85
 Are you okay?

Amargo
I’m fine.

Mamon reaches their claw out to Beb

Mamon
C’mon kid.
The game is flawed.
But you’re gonna love playing it.

Beb looks at Mamon’s claw, then down at Amargo.
Is this what Beb actually wants?
…
…
…
Of course it is.

Beb
I won’t ever forget you!

Amargo
You will kid.
And that’s okay.

Beb grabs Mamon’s claw and they jump to “The Outside”

A looooooong silence.

And then the bucket resumes.

The crabs go back to their routines.

Pootz stares at Amargo.

And then Amargo, begins the routine

Amargo
Remember Mamon?

Pootz
Yeah…

Amargo
Guess it helps when you stab your…

86

Pootz
Yeah…

Amargo
What’s wrong? You pissed about earlier—?

Pootz
No.

Amargo
Cause I wasn’t saying I didn’t think you were good
I was saying—

Pootz
I know.

Amargo
Good cause I was talking about—

Pootz
No. I know.
I know I’m not that good.
I just liked being around the ones who were.

Amargo
Oh.

Pootz
I’m…I’m gonna go.

Amargo
Where?

Pootz
“The Before”

Amargo
What?

Pootz
Yeah.

Amargo
Why?

87
 Pootz
Well…I…I miss it.

Amargo
Since when?

Pootz
Always.
I always missed it.
I just did a hell of a job pretending.

Amargo
Okay.

Pootz
Yeah…like my ex…I think I actually liked that they say “wherever you wanna eat.”

Amargo
Oh.

Pootz
That’s just a nice thing to say.

Amargo
…I see.

Pootz
Goodbye friend.

Amargo
Yeah, yeah.

Pootz
No really. I’m saying goodbye.

Amargo
I know.

Pootz
I liked you so much, I stayed in this orange bucket too long.

Amargo
Sure.

Pootz hoping what they said causes Amargo to “i-aint-that-sad-smile.”
But it doesn’t come.

88
 So Pootz gets on all fours, crawls to the door and goes back to “The Before”

A beat of alone.

Amargo looks around at the bucket.

Takes in the orange, the smell, Tuang’s leg. Then…

Amargo (to no one in particular)
Remember Amargo?
Poor old crusty crab.
“King of the bucket” they said

But Amargo was damn good.
Perhaps the best of the bunch
And that matters more than “The Outside”
Or “The Before”
Or even the almost

Cause hey…
at least I was me.
I was always me.
…
…
…

Amargo pulls Tuang’s leg from out of their shell

Tosses it aside.

Just another wound on shell filled with scars.

The smell of bitterness fills the theatre.

End of Pinche Play.

89