Module One

Communication Skills
Lecture Two

LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1. Describe how words create meaning
2. Identify how words influence our perceptions, thoughts, actions, culture, and
relationships.
3. Use words to have a conversation with others.
4. Explain why nonverbal communication is an important area of study.
5. Enhance your skill in interpreting nonverbal messages.

Verbal Communication

Words are powerful. Those who use them skillfully can have great impact with just a few of
them. With more than 7,000 different languages in the world, words have great prominence in
our lives and power in our interpersonal relationships as well. Your use of language has a great
influence on how you are understood by others. Your use of language has a profound influence
on how you are perceived by others. Throughout this discussion of the power of verbal
messages, keep one important idea in mind: You are not in charge of the meaning others
conclude from your messages. That is, words don’t have meaning; people create meaning.

HOW WORDS WORK

Words create meaning. When you hear words spoken by others, how are you able to interpret
those sounds? Although several theories try to explain how people learn language and assign
meaning to both printed and uttered words, no single universally held view neatly explains this
mystery.

1. Words Are Symbols

Words are symbols that represent something else. Symbols evoke emotions. Seeing or hearing
certain words can result in happiness or sadness.

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2. Words Are Denotative and Connotative
Language creates meaning on two levels: the denotative and the connotative.
The denotative meaning of a word creates content: It is the literal meaning. For example, here is
one dictionary definition for the word school: An organization that provides instruction; an
institution for the teaching of children; college, university.
The connotative meaning of a word creates feelings. Words have personal and subjective
associations. To you, the word school might mean a wonderful, exciting place where you meet
your friends, have a good time, and occasionally take tests and perform other tasks that keep you
from enjoying your social life. To others, school could be a restrictive, burdensome obligation
that stands in the way of making money and getting on with life. The connotative meaning of a
word is more individualized.

3. Words Are Concrete and Abstract

Words may be placed along a continuum from concrete to abstract. People call a word concrete
if they can experience its match with one of their senses; if you can see, touch, smell, taste, or
hear a word’s match, then the word is concrete. If you cannot do these things with the match,
then the word is abstract.

4. Words Are Culture-Bound

Culture consists of the rules, norms, and values of a group of people, which have been learned
and shaped by successive generations. The meaning of a symbol, such as a word, can change
from culture to culture. The meanings of words are shaped by our experiences. To a European,
for example, a “Yankee” is someone from the United States; to a player on the Boston Red Sox,
a “Yankee” is an opponent; and to someone from the American South, a “Yankee” is someone
from the American North. One way to measure how words reflect culture is to consider the new
words added to dictionaries each year. Here are some new words that are finding their way into
people’s conversations: (Examples)
Ghosting: Ending a relationship by not responding to someone’s calls or messages.
Hangry: Feeling hungry and angry at the same time.
Adulting: Doinggrown up things like securing a full-time job, moving out of your parents’ home,
and paying bills.

THE POWER OF WORDS

Words influence our perceptions, thoughts, actions, culture, and relationships.

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1. Words Create Perceptions
“To name is to call into existence—to call out of nothingness,” wrote a French philosopher.
Words give you a tool to create how you perceive the world by naming and labeling what you
experience. Words create your perception of yourself. You create your self-worth largely with
self-talk and the labels you apply to yourself. Psychologist Albert Ellis believes that you also
create your moods and emotional state with the words you use to label your feelings. Although
emotions may sometimes seem to wash over you like ocean waves, evidence suggests that you
can influence your emotions by controlling what you think about, as well as by selecting certain
words to describe your feelings. How you use words on social media can also influence how
others perceive you. Your posts and tweets will be perceived to be more credible and accurate if
you just state the facts rather than tell personal stories or provide longer narratives

2. Words Influence Actions

Words not only have the power to create and influence your thoughts, but they also influence
your actions—because your thoughts, which are influenced by words, affect how you behave.
According to research, the way we use language can communicate the amount of power we have
in a conversation. We use language in ways that are both powerful and powerless. When we use
powerless speech, we are less persuasive and exert less influence on the actions of others.
Powerless speech is characterized by more frequent use of pauses, which may be filled with
“umm,” “ahhh,” and “ehh.” We also express our lack of power by using more hesitation and
unnecessary verbal fillers like “you know” and “I mean.” We communicate our low power when
we hedge our conclusions by saying, “I guess” and “sort of.” Another way of communicating a
lack of power is by tacking a question on to the end of a statement, such as “I’m right, aren’t I?”
or “This is what I think, OK?” The very way we speak can influence the thoughts and actions of
others.
3.Words Affect and Reflect Culture
Anthropologist Edward Sapir and his student Benjamin Whorf refined a theory called linguistic
determinism. The essence of linguistic determinism is that language shapes the way we think. It
also reflects our thoughts and culture. A related principle, called linguistic relativity, states that
each language has distinctive elements embedded within it. Together, these two principles form
the under- lying elements of the Sapir–Whorf hypothesis, which suggests that language shapes
our culture and culture shapes our language. Whorf saw this as support of his hypothesis that the
words we use reflect our culture and our culture influences our words. Words not only reflect
your culture; there is evidence that they mold it.
The words people use affect their worldview— how they interpret what they experience. The
words you select to describe your view of the world, including those you use in everyday
conversations, reflect and further shape your perspective. And you, in turn, help shape your
culture’s collective worldview through your use of language—not just the words you use, but
how you use them to develop ideas.
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4. Words Make and Break Relationships
What you say and how you say have a strong impact on how you relate to others. Research has
found that we find conversations more satisfying if we use words with the same meanings as our
partners. A good conversation has a rhythm, created by both communicators as they listen and
respond to each other. Even “small talk,” our everyday, sometimes brief, responses and
exchanges with others (“Lovely weather we’re having”), is important in establishing how we feel
about others. Additionally, if we’re feeling insecure in a relationship and we share that insecurity
with our romantic partner, the mere expression of insecurity may increase feelings of uncertainty
and concern about the relationship. Expressing insecurities tends to prolong them.

5. Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in Our Word

Choice
Some people never swear. The use of profanity, words that people consider obscene, rude, or
insensitive, has an impact on our relationships with others. If you grew up in a home where
family members never uttered profanities, you may not have developed a habit of using such
words. Or you may have made a conscious decision not to use profanity because of your
religious or moral convictions. Yet profanity is prevalent in everyday conversations and the
media. Whether or not a word can be considered profane is determined by context and culture.
Your use of profanity provides important information about your perception of the relationship
you have with the other person. Using profanity may signal your comfort with being yourself
when you are with another person, as well as your trust in that person to accept your blunt
language. Remember that the other person, not you, determines the effect of profanity on the
relationship.
Another clue to the nature of the relationship you have with someone is your use of euphemism.
A euphemism is an expression that describes something vulgar or profane (or something people
prefer not to talk about directly) but uses less explicit language. Politicians use euphemisms to
soften the impact of an event. Rather than saying innocent people were killed, the spokesperson
may say, “There was collateral damage.”
Noting your use of euphemisms, and the use and frequency of euphemisms in others’ speech, can
give you insights about the nature of your relationship with them.

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6. Clues to Our Online Relationships Are Found in Our
Tweets, Texts, and Posts
The words we use in our Facebook posts, tweets, texts, and other online messages provide
important information about us in ways we may not be consciously aware of. Because we usually
want others to see us in a favorable way, we communicate more positive than negative messages
about ourselves on Facebook. Research has found that we do not like negative Facebook posts.
Negative emotional expressions are viewed less favorably on Facebook than positive ones. Yet
evidence also indicates that we adapt to our Facebook audiences. One research team found that
we communicate fewer negative emotions in our status updates than we do in our person-to-
person messages. This finding suggests that when we communicate online to many different
audiences (family, friends, colleagues), we project a more positive self-presentation than we do
with a private audience.
We also tend to be highly verbally immediate in our online posts—which means we use more
personal pronouns (I, me, my), present tense verbs (am, is, are), conditional words (could,
should, would), shorter words, and fewer articles (a, an, the) than we do in face-to-face
conversations. Researchers suggest that using more verbally immediate language signals a more
positive, close personal relationship with others online. Yet another team of researchers found
that when we perceive a relationship to be strong, we are more open and use more positive words
and assurances. Even when we are jealous, we use more positive words and assurances, perhaps
to hide our jealousy. But if we are jealous of someone, we also spend more time monitoring our
relationship with him or her online.
We apparently construct more persuasive verbal arguments in person than we do online.
Researchers find that we are generally less persuasive when using email and text messages than
when we are speaking to someone face to face. A text message may be more efficient and
convenient, but it is not as effective when trying to convince someone to do something he or she
would rather not do.

HOW TO MANAGE MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Words have the power to create monumental misunderstandings as well as deep connections.
How do you manage the inevitable misunderstandings that occur between even the best of
friends? Read on.

1. Be Aware of Missed Meaning

If you are not aware of a misunderstanding, you will not be able to clarify your
message. The problem may be obvious, but how to identify the missed meaning is
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less obvious. Meaning is fragile because language is imprecise. And because
meaning can be misunderstood, it is important to be aware of the potential for
miscommunication. One reason for misunderstanding is the problem of bypassing,
which occurs when the same word or words mean different things to different
people. You know what you mean when you say, “I think she’s fair.” Your
comment was intended to communicate that your boss treats her staff members
equally, but your friend thinks you are describing your supervisor’s physical
appearance. As the expression goes, “I know that you believe you understand what
you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I
meant.”
How do you avoid bypassing and missing someone’s meaning? Be aware of the
potential problem. Use the listening and responding skills we talked about to
enhance communication accuracy. Ask questions if you are uncertain of the
meaning. Listen and paraphrase your understanding of the message.

2. Be Clear
Malapropism, a confusion of one word or phrase for another that sounds similar to it
(e.g. ‘dance a flamingo’ instead of flamenco). Although this confusion may at times be
humorous, it may also result in failure to communicate clearly. There are many
reasons for a lack of clarity. Using words out of context, using inappropriate
grammar, or putting words in the wrong order creates murky meaning. When a
message is not clear, confusion is the inevitable result. Incorrect or unclear
language can launch a war or sink a ship. We give symbols meaning; we do not
receive inherent meaning from symbols. Besides avoiding malapropisms and being
careful not to use the wrong words, how else can you speak with clarity?
Consider these strategies:
• Think about what you mean before you speak. For many years, people who worked at the
computer company IBM had a one-word sign on their desks: Think. This is good advice
when clarity is the goal.
• When you speak, observe your listener’s reactions. If you notice a grimace, frown, or quizzical
look, it might mean that you are not making sense. Watching for feedback can help you
assess whether you are being clear.

• Use appropriate examples. They do not need to be elaborate or highly detailed, but well-
told examples can add clarity to your conversations.
• Ask the other person whether he or she can understand you or has questions. If you are not sure if
someone understands you, just ask.
• Consider the perspective and background of the person or persons to whom you are speaking. If
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 you are other-oriented, you will assess how someone else will respond to your message.
Try
• to select those symbols that he or she is most likely to interpret as you intend.

3. Be Specific

For most communication, the object is to be as specific and concrete as possible. But is it
possible to be too specific? It is if you use a restricted code that has a meaning your listener does
not know. A restricted code is a set of words that has a particular meaning to a subgroup or
culture. If a friend visiting from Oxford, England, asked to use the loo or WC, would you know
what your friend wanted? Loo and WC (an abbreviation for water closet) are words with a
restricted code, meaning toilet.
If you send many text messages, you probably use a restricted code of textisms— brief
abbreviations for common words or phrases, such as “c u” for “see you” or the ubiquitous
“LOL” for “laughing out loud.” If you frequently send and receive text messages, then you likely
understand this restricted code. Groups sometimes develop abbreviations or specialized terms to
save time when speaking to other group members. This shorthand language would make little
sense to an outsider. In fact, groups that rely on restricted codes may have greater cohesiveness
because of this shared “secret” language. When people have known each other for a long time,
they may also use restricted codes in their exchanges. Often, married couples communicate using
short- hand speech that no outsider could ever interpret. To enhance the clarity of your messages
with others, especially people who do not know you well, be as specific as you can to reduce
uncertainty. For example, rather than saying, “I may go to town today,” one research team
suggests you should be more specific and say, “There’s a 50 percent chance I may go to town
today.” Be precise to be clear.

4. Be Aware of Changes in Meaning

You change. Your world changes. Yet we sometimes use words with an implicit assumption that
our world does not change. Word meanings can change over time. A static evaluation is a
statement that fails to recognize change; labels in particular have a tendency to freeze-frame our
awareness. For example, Kirk, who was known as the class clown in high school, is today a
successful and polished business professional. So, the old label no longer fits. Moreover, some
people suffer from “hardening of the categories.” Their worldview is so rigid that they can
never change or expand their perspective. But the world is a Technicolor moving target. Just
about the time you think you have things neatly figured out and categorized, something moves.
Your labels may not reflect the vibrant, booming process of change. The metaphorical
expression, “the map is not the territory” to illustrate the concept of static evaluation. Like a
word, a map symbolizes or represents reality. Yet the road system is constantly changing. New

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roads get built and old ones close. If you use old labels and do not adjust your thinking to
accommodate change, you will get lost. To avoid static evaluation, try dating your observations,
and indicate to others the time period from which you are drawing your conclusions. For
example, if your cousin comes to town for a visit, say, “When I last saw you, you loved to listen
to Florence and the Machine.” This allows for the possibility that your cousin’s tastes may have
changed during the last few years. Try to observe and acknowledge changes in others. If you
practice what you know about becoming other-oriented, you are unlikely to suffer from this
barrier.

5. Be Unbiased
Using words that reflect your biases toward other cultures or ethnic groups, the other gender,
people with people who are different from you in some other way can create a barrier for your
listeners. Because words, especially those used to describe people, have the power to create and
affect thoughts and behavior, they can also affect the quality of relationships with others.
Although TV shows, podcasts, radio programs, and magazine articles may debate the merits of
political correctness, there is no doubt that sexist or racially stereotypical language can offend
others.
Hate speech is any word or phrase that is intended to offend and disrespect another person
because of his or her race, ethnicity, cultural background, gender, age, disability, social class,
occupation, personal appearance, mental capacity, or any other personal aspect that could be
perceived as demeaning. Some people use words to intentionally express their prejudice, bias,
ignorance, or just plain meanness toward other people, hoping to hurt someone. Like sticks and
stones hurled at others to intentionally inflict harm, hate speech is uttered with the explicit
purpose of hurting someone. People do not have the legal right to direct hurtful, venomous
comments toward others, knowing that such comments will create mental pain.

6. Avoid Demeaning Language

Language barriers are created not only when speakers use racially biased language, but also
when they disparage (underestimate) a person's son’s age, mental or physical ability, or social
standing. Similarly, the manner someone describes people with disabilities can negatively affect
how they may be perceived. Avoid labeling someone in a way that shows disrespect toward the
person’s social standing, education, or socioeconomic status.

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HOW TO USE WORDS OF SUPPORT AND COMFORT

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This saying is often used to describe the
power of “sweet” over “sour” words in developing positive relationships with others. And no
surprise, when it comes to developing and maintaining relationships, positive, supportive
communication is preferred over negative messages. Being other-oriented by thoughtfully and
specifically adapting comments to an individual is especially effective. True dialogue requires
establishing a climate of equality, listening with empathy, and trying to bring underlying
assumptions into the open. An atmosphere of equality, empathy, and openness is more likely to
prevail if you approach conversations as dialogues rather than debates to be won.
Not just how you talk to others but also what you talk about can result in greater positive
feelings. Talking about pleasant, supporting things can influence the nature of your relationship
with others.
1. Describe Your Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate Behavior
No one likes to be judged or evaluated. Criticizing and name-calling obviously can create
relational problems, but so can attempts to diagnose others’ problems or win their affection with
insincere praise. In fact, any form of evaluation creates a climate of defensiveness. As British
statesman Winston Churchill declared, “I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like
being taught.”
One way to avoid evaluating others is to eliminate the accusatory you from your language.
Statements such as “You always come in late for supper” or “You never pick up the dirty clothes
in your room” attack a person’s sense of self-worth and usually result in a defensive reaction.
Instead, use the word I to describe your own feelings and thoughts about a situation or event: “I
find it hard to keep your supper warm when you’re late,” or “I don’t enjoy the extra work of
picking up your dirty clothes.”
2. Solve Problems Rather Than Attempt to Control
Most of us do not like others’ attempts to control us. Someone who presumes to tell us what’s
good for us, instead of helping us puzzle through issues and problems, is likely to engender
defensiveness. Open-ended questions such as “What seems to be the problem?” or “How can we
deal with the issue?” create a more supportive climate than critical comments such as “Here’s
where you are wrong” or commands such as “Don’t do that!” Research suggests that in close
relationships where trust is high, problem-solving advice is more likely to be appreciated.

3. Be Genuine Rather Than Manipulative

To be genuine means that you honestly seek to be yourself rather than someone you are not. It
also means taking an honest interest in others, considering the uniqueness of each individual and
situation, and avoiding generalizations or strategies focusing only on your own needs and
desires. A manipulative person has hidden agendas; a genuine person discusses issues and
problems openly and honestly.
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4. Empathize Rather Than Remain Detached

Empathy is one of the hallmarks of supportive relationships. Empathy is the ability to understand
the feelings of others and to predict the emotional responses they will have to different situations.
Being empathic is the essence of being other-oriented. Using empathic, positive emotional
responses enhances the quality of a relationship. Using language that mirrors the style of the
other person also enhances a relationship. Connecting with others’ emotions by using
emotionally positive language enhances the supportive nature of the relationship. The opposite of
empathy is neutrality. To be neutral is to be indifferent toward another. Even when you express
anger or irritation toward another, you are investing some energy in the relationship.

5. Be Flexible Rather Than Rigid

Most people do not like someone who always seems certain that he or she is right. A “you’re
wrong, I’m right” attitude creates a defensive climate. This does not mean that you should go
through life voicing no opinions and agreeing to everything anyone says. And it does not mean
that there is never one answer that is right and others that are wrong. But instead of making rigid
pronouncements, you can use phrases such as “I may be wrong, but it seems to me . . .” or
“Here’s one way to look at this problem.” This manner of speaking gives your opinions a softer
edge that allows room for others to express a point of view.

6. Present Yourself as Equal Rather Than Superior

You can antagonize others by letting them know that you view yourself as better than they are.
You may be gifted and intelligent, but it is unnecessary to announce it. And although some
people have the responsibility and authority to manage others, “pulling rank” does not usually
produce a cooperative climate. Also avoid using abstract language or professional terms to
impress others. Keep your messages short and clear, and use informal language.

HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

Conversation is the spontaneous, interactive exchange of messages with another person. The
root meaning of the word conversation is to move together.

Starting a Conversation

The easiest way to start a natural conversation is to make a comment about something that is
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happening now, in the present moment. Although commenting about the weather may not be
terribly creative, it is a safe way to discuss what is happening in the present. Remarking about the music
that may be playing, or observing some- thing about the room or location, are also standard opening lines.

Sustaining a Conversation

What do you say after “hello”? The two most important skills involved in keeping the
conversational ball rolling are: (1) asking good questions and (2) listening. Think of questions as
mental can openers designed to open up the conversation. A good question should be other-
oriented and give a person the opportunity to respond comfortably. After you ask your question
and pause, just listen.

HOW TO APOLOGIZE

Use words to offer an apology when appropriate. One of the ways to mend a relational rift when
we have made a mistake is to offer an apology—to explicitly admit that we made an error and to
ask the person we offended to forgive us. An apology helps us save face and can repair relational
stress. One research team found that people who received an apology felt less anger, were less
likely to be aggressive, and had a better overall impression of the offender. Moreover, research
has found that when we apologize to someone, the person we initially offended has greater
empathy toward us and is less likely to avoid us or seek revenge.
The words we use can hurt others. We can also use words to repair the damage we have done by
offering an apology expressing that we were wrong (not simply sorry), we are sincerely
remorseful, we want to do something to repair the damage, and we understand how much we
may have hurt our communication partner. The book of Proverbs says, “Words fitly spoken are
like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” A well-worded apology can help restore luster to a
relationship that may have become tarnished.

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NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

You are being watched. People watch you, and you watch other people. You can obtain a vast
amount of information about others from just their nonverbal communication, which is
behavior other than written or spoken language that creates meaning. Nonverbal communication
also affects the quality of your interpersonal relationships. Interpreting others’ unspoken
messages and appropriately expressing your own feelings through nonverbal communication are
key components of being other-oriented.

IDENTIFYING THE IMPORTANCE OF NONVERBAL

COMMUNICATION
Nonverbal communication is an ever-present form of human expression. If you are alive, chances
are that people are making inferences about you based on your nonverbal behavior. If you spend
a lot of time on Facebook or text messaging, you may not think nonverbal messages are very
important as you make e-connections with others. But research has found that the number of
words you use; how long it takes you to respond to someone online; your use of capital letters
and abbreviations; and even proper spelling all provide nonverbal information that people use to
make inferences about you. You also provide many nonverbal messages in the photos and videos
you post online.
Nonverbal Messages Are Usually More Believable Than Verbal Messages
Actions speak louder than words. Nonverbal messages are more difficult to fake. One research
team concluded that people from the United States and Canada use the following cues, listed in
order from most to least important, to help them discern when a person is lying.
 Greater time lag in response to a question
 Reduced eye contact
 Increased shifts in posture
 Unfilled pauses
 Less smiling
 Slower speech
 Higher pitch in voice

Nonverbal Messages Work with Verbal Messages to Create Meaning

Verbal and nonverbal cues work together in two primary ways to help us make sense o f others’ messages:

 Nonverbal cues help us manage verbal messages. Specifically, our nonverbal cues can
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 substitute for verbal messages, as well as repeat, contradict, or regulate what we say. In
most informal conversations, it is not appropriate or necessary to signal your desire to
speak by raising your hand. Yet somehow you are able to signal to others when you
would like to speak and when you would rather not talk. How? You use eye contact,
raised eyebrows, an open mouth, single raised index finger to signal that you would like
to make a point. If your colleagues do not see these signals, especially the eye contact,
they may think you are not interested in talking.

 Nonverbal cues reinforce the emotional meaning of verbal messages. Our unspoken cues
complement verbal messages to increase or decrease the emotional impact of what we
say.

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION FORMS

1.Body Movement and Posture

Kinesics is the study of human movement and gesture. People have long recognized that
movement and gestures provide valuable information to others. Body movements include
nodding or gesturing with your hands. These examples of body movements can show your
excitement about a conversation or topic. Some body movements can be involuntary, such as
twisting your hands, shaking when you are nervous or clearing your throat often. Some can also
be distracting, especially if you are in a job interview or giving a professional presentation.
How you position your upper body and legs can also be impactful. Try to stand with your head
raised, arms uncrossed and legs slightly apart to express a friendly, open demeanor. When you
cross your arms, you may subconsciously show the other person that you feel uninterested in the
conversation.
2. Eye Contact

Eye contact refers to looking other people in the eye when you're speaking or when they're
speaking. Depending on the nature of the situation, eye contact can communicate interest,
engagement, anger or attraction.
3. Touch
Touch can communicate a variety of feelings, like friendliness, empathy and affection. Touch
includes hugs, holding hands, and a back rub.
4. Space

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 Permitting too much or too little space between you and others can send varied messages, based
on the conditions. For example, staying far away from someone may show fear, whereas
standing too close can communicate command.
5. Voice
Your voice refers to how you speak, meaning the volume, pace, tone and inflection you use.
Your voice can communicate excitement, anger, sarcasm or confidence.
6. Gestures
Gestures are movements made with your arms and hands, often used to reinforce or emphasize a
point you're making. Gestures can include waving, pointing, clapping and raising your hand.

7. Facial expressions
Facial expressions include eye movements, raising or wrinkling your eyebrows and mouth
movements. The benefit of using your facial expressions to communicate your feelings is that
many cultures understand facial expressions in the same ways.

The End

References:
Beebe, A. S. , Beebe, S. J. ,and Redmond, M. V. 2020." Interpersonal
communication relating to others ". 9TH ed, Pearson Education, Inc., or its
affiliates.

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