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Playing with Plays TM

Presents
Shakespeare’s

Hamlet
FOR KIDS
(The melodramatic version!)

For 6-20+ actors, or kids of all ages who want to have fun!
Cre ati vely modified by Brendan P. Kelso
Cover illustrated by Shana Hallmeyer
Cover Character illustrated by Ron Leishman

3 Melodramatic Modifications of Shakespeare’s Play

for 3 different group sizes:

6-7+ actors

8-14+ actors

11-20+ actors

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Table Of Contents
Foreword..............................................................Pg 4
School, Afterschool, and Summer classes............Pg 6
Performance Rights..............................................Pg 6
6-7+ Actors..........................................................Pg 8
8-14+ Actors........................................................Pg 30
11-20+ Actors......................................................Pg 58
Special Thanks..........................................................Pg 88
Sneak Peeks at other Playing With Plays..........Pg 89
About the Author.....................................................Pg 103

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Dedicated to my buddy Tim Chai; as with Hamlet, a great man

passed too young.

-Brendan

Playing with PlaysTM – Shakespeare’s Hamlet for Kids

Copyright © 2004-2022 by Brendan P. Kelso. All rights reser ved. Used with permission by
Playing with Plays LLC
Some characters on the cover are © Ron Leishman ToonClipart.com. Used with permission.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means,
including photocopying, recording, information storage or retrieval systems now known or to be
invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote
brief passages in a review, written for inclusion within a periodical. Any members of education
institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who
would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries
to the publisher. We monitor the interne t for case s of piracy and copyright inf ringement/
violations. We will pursue all cases within the full extent of the law.

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that all plays published by Playing With
Plays may be produced only pursuant to a signed written license and are subject to payment of a
royalty. The plays are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Canada, the
United Kingdom, and all other countries of the Berne Union,. All rights, including dramatic (both
amateur and professional), motion picture, radio, television, recitation, public reading, internet,
and any method of photographic reproduction are strictly reserved.

Whenever a Playing With Plays play is performed, the following must be included on all
programs, printing and advertising for the play: © 2004-2022 by Brendan P. Kelso. All rights
reserved. Performed under license from, Playing with Plays LLC,
www.PlayingWithPlays.com.

For performance rights please see

page 6 of this book or contact:

[email protected]
-Please note, for certain circumstances, we do waive copyright and performance fees.
Rules subject to change

www.PlayingWithPlays.com

Printed in the United States of America

Published by Playing With Plays LLC

ISBN: 1-4536-4154-8

ISBN: 9781453641545

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Foreword
When I was in high school there was some thing
about Shakespeare that appealed to me. Not that I
understood it mind you, but there were clear scenes
and images that always stood out in my mind.
Romeo & Juliet, “Romeo, Romeo; wherefore art thou
Romeo?”; Julius Caesar, “Et tu Brute”; Macbeth, “Double,
Double, toil and trouble”; Hamlet, “to be or not to be”;
A Midsummer Night’s Dream, all I remember about
this was a wickedly cool fairy and something about
a guy turning into a donkey that I thought was
pretty funny. It was not until I started analyzing
Shakespeare’s plays as an actor that I realized one
very important thing, I still didn’t understand them.
Seriously though, it’s tough enough for adults, let
alone kids. Then it hit me, why don’t I make a version
that kids could perform, but make it easy for them
to understand with a splash of Shakespeare lingo
mixed in? And voila! A melodramatic masterpiece was
created! They are intended to be melodramatically
fun!

THE PLAYS: There are 3 plays within this book, for

three different group sizes. The reason: to allow
educators or parents to get the story across to their
children regardless of the size of their group. As you
re ad through the plays, there are several lines that are
highlighted. These are actual lines from the original
book. I am a little more particular about the kids
saying these lines verbatim. But the rest, well… have
fun!

The entire purpose of this book is to instill the love

of a classic story, as well as drama, into the kids.

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And when you have children who have a passion
for something, they will start to teach themselves,
with or without school.

These plays are intended for pure fun. Please DO

NOT have the kids learn these lines verbatim, that
would be a complete waste of creativity. But do
have them basically know their lines and improvise
wherever they want as long as it pertains to telling
the story. Because that is the goal of an actor: to
tell the story. In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, I once
had a student playing Quince question me about
one of her lines, “but in the actual story, didn’t
the Mechanicals state that ‘they would hang
us’?” I
thought for a second and realized that she had read
the story with her mom, and she was right. So I
let her add the line she wanted and it added that
much more fun, it made the play theirs. I have had
kids throw water on the audience, run around the
audience, sit in the audience, lose their pumpkin
pants (size 30 around a size 15 doesn’t work very
well, but makes for some great humor!) and most
importantly, die all over the stage. The kids love i t.

One last note: if you want some educational

resources, loved our plays, want to tell the world
how much your kids loved performing Shakespeare,
want to insult someone with our Shakespeare Insult
Generator, or are just a fan of Shakespe are, then
hop on our website and have fun:

PlayingWithPlays.com

With these notes, I’ll see you on the stage, have fun,
and break a leg!

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SCHOOL, AFTERSCHOOL, and SUMMER classes
I’ve been teaching these plays as afterschool and
summer programs for quite some time. Many people
have asked what the program is, therefore, I have
put together a basic formula so any teacher or
parent can follow and have melodramatic success!
As well, many teachers use my books in a variety
of ways. You can view the formula and many more
resources on my website at: PlayingWithPlays.com

- Brendan

OTHER PLAYS AND FULL LENGTH SCRIPTS

We have over 25 different titles, as well as a

full-length play in 4-acts for theatre groups:
Shakespeare’s Hilarious Tragedie s. You can see
all of our other titles on our website here:
PlayingWithPlays.com/books

As well, you can see a sneak peek at some of those

titles at the back of this book.

And, if you ever have any questions, please don’t

hesitate to ask at: [email protected]

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LICENSES AND ROYALTIES

All performances and other productions require the

issuance of a license. Here are the basic guidelines:
1) Please contact us! We always LOVE to hear about
a school or group performing our books! We would
also love to share photos and brag about your
program as well! (with your permission, of course)
2) We require that you purchase a copy of the play
for the director/te acher and e ach kid in the
show.
3) If you are a group and DO NOT charge your
kids to be in the production, contact us about our
educational rates to get a copy in each kid’s hands
inexpensively. (we will make this work for you!)
3) If you are a group and DO charge your kids to be
in the production, (i.e. afterschool program, summer
camp), contact us for bulk (10 books or more) or
educator ’s discounts.
4) If you are a group and DO NOT charge the
audience to see the plays, please see our website
FAQs (www.PlayingWithPlays.com) to see if you are
eligible to waive the performance license(s) (most
performances are eligible).
5) If you are a group and DO charge the audience
to see the performance, please see our website
FAQs for performance licensing fees (this includes
performances for donations and competitions).
Any other questions or comments, please see our
website or email us at:

[email protected]

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The 15-Minute or so
Hamle t
By William Shakespeare
Creatively modified by Brendan P.
Kelso
6-7+ Actors

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
HAMLET: son to the de ad King Hamle t, nephew to Claudius, the
thinker, or “over” thinker (he’s complicated)
CLAUDIUS: the big, bad new King of Denmark
GERTRUDE: Queen, Hamlet’s mom, married to his dad & then
to his uncle (it’s complicated)
POLONIUS: a lord (bad guy too!)
OPHELIA: Polonius’ daughter, thinks Hamlet is cute!
1
LAERTES: Polonius’ son and sword-fighter, thinks Hamlet is
rotten!
GHOST: a ghost, duh
1

ONLOOKERS: (extras, as many as needed)

The same actors can play the following parts:

1
LAERTES and GHOST

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ACT 1 SCENE 1
(enter GHOST wandering on stage in ghostly fashion,
maybe creeps through audience)
GHOST: (waits a few seconds, then tries to scare
audience) BOO!
(GHOST exits)

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ACT 1 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE)
CLAUDIUS: (to the audience) I love being the ruler!
(HAMLET enters) Hey, Hamle t, my new son, why are
you looking so down in the dumps?
HAMLET: (to audience while pointing at Claudius) A
little more than kin, and less than kind. (to Claudius)
Oh, I’m just bummed that my dad died and my mom
married my uncle the very next day…ohh, excuse me…I
mean YOU!
GERTRUDE: Dear, stop being such a drag. All that lives
must die. You know... the circle of life, or haven't you
heard?
HAMLET: Whatever, Mom. That it should come to
this! He is my father’s brother, but no more like my
father than I to Hercules! I’m going to see my friends.
(GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS exit)
HAMLET: I thought I saw my father in a dre am the
other night, in my mind’s eye. I’ll stop by tonight and
check it out!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 1 SCENE 3
(LAERTES, OPHELIA, and POLONIUS enter)
LAERTES: Ophelia, sis, please stop hanging out with
Hamlet. That prince is a bit crazy.
OPHELIA: But I love him!
LAERTES: Whoa, remember, this is a tragedy, not a
fairy tale. Most people die in tragedies, especially
people who love the main character.
POLONIUS: Laertes, aren’t you supposed to be going
back to France?
LAERTES: Oh ye ah, see ya, Dad! (LAERTES exits)
POLONIUS: (to LAERTES as he leaves) Hey! Neither a
borrower nor a lender be!
LAERTES: What?
POLONIUS: Just giving you some advice about money!
LAERTES: (a bit confused) Oh. Okay. Later!
POLONIUS: (to OPHELIA) Your brother is right, Hamlet
is crazy.
OPHELIA: But, I so totally like him!
POLONIUS: I forbid you to see him!
OPHELIA: I shall obey, Dad. I mean, I so totally DON’T
like him anymore.
POLONIUS: Good! (POLONIUS exits)
OPHELIA: (OPHELIA to audience) I’m a teenager, like I'm
going to listen to my dad!
(OPHELIA exits)

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ACT 1 SCENES 4 & 5
(HAMLET enters)
HAMLET: Something is rotten in the state of
Denmark. Okay, I’m here. Now, where is this ghost of
my dad I heard stopped by?
(GHOST sneaks up behind HAMLET)
GHOST: Boo!
HAMLET: Aghhhhh!
GHOST: Hah! Scared ya!
HAMLET: Who are you?
GHOST: (in a ghostly voice) I am your father’s spirit.
HAMLET: Oh. ….What!?
GHOST: Your father, you know, the ex-King! I want you
to know that the serpent that did sting thy father’s
life now wears his crown.
HAMLET: What?
GHOST: I was the King until your Uncle Claudius
poisoned me by pouring icky stuff in my ear! Murder
most foul!
HAMLET: Uncle Claudius killed you?
GHOST: Ye ah, then he married my wife, YOUR MOM,
and then became King!
HAMLET: WHAT!?! Ohhh, that makes me soooo mad!
GHOST: Ye ah? Well, how do you think I feel? Dead
and all…. O horrible, O horrible, most horrible.
HAMLET: Ye ah, guess that stinks too. So what do you
want me to do?
GHOST: Avenge me! You MUST kill Claudius!
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HAMLET: Whoa! Kill Claudius? Well…..ahhh….not
really sure I like that, I mean, it’s just not right, killing
someone. What if you don’t really exist?
GHOST: Did you not hear me? He killed me, married
your mom, and is now the new King. Doesn’t that
make you a bit angry?
HAMLET: (getting riled up) Ye ah.
GHOST: I am your father, don’t you want to avenge my
death?
HAMLET: (getting more riled up) YEAH!
GHOST: Then get going!
HAMLET: I WILL AVENGE YOU, FATHER!
GHOST: Oh, and Hamle t?
HAMLET: YEAH?
GHOST: Boo! (HAMLET jumps up scared)
HAMLET: Quit doing that!
GHOST: Sorry son, it’s one of the perks of the job. My
hour is almost come, now get going! (now in a ghostly
voice) AVENGE ME!
(GHOST exits)
HAMLET: (to exiting ghost) Rest, rest, perturbed
spirit!
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 2 SCENE 1
(enter OPHELIA and POLONIUS)
OPHELIA: Dad, Hamlet is looking a bit weird lately.
I me an, his clothes are ragged and he is talking to
himself…not quite as cute as he once was, but I still
like him!
POLONIUS: I told you to stay away from him!
OPHELIA: I did!
POLONIUS: Hamlet is probably crazy without your
love! That hath made him mad. (to audience) I will tell
Claudius the king!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 2 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, and POLONIUS)
GERTRUDE: Claudius, we need to find out why Hamlet
is acting so strange lately. I beseech you instantly to
visit my too much changed son, Hamlet.
POLONIUS: (to CLAUDIUS) Sir, I have found the very
cause of Hamlet’s lunacy. I know why he has been
acting so crazy!
GERTRUDE: Why!?
POLONIUS: I will be brief. Your noble son is mad. He is
in love with Ophelia and I have told her to reject him!
Claudius, why don’t we spy on him?
CLAUDIUS: Sounds like fun! But what if he is faking
being crazy?
POLONIUS: Hmmm. Though this be madness, yet there
is method in’t.
CLAUDIUS: Right?
(exit CLAUDIUS, POLONIUS, and GERTRUDE; enter
HAMLET)
HAMLET: (to audience) Ah ha! I have an ide a! I hear
there are some actors coming to do a play before
the king. The play’s the thing, wherein I’ll catch the
conscience of the king. I will have the players act out
how my father was killed! Then Claudius will feel
guilty and admit his crime! Oh, vengeance! Claudius
is a bloody, bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous,
lecherous, kindless villain!
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 1
(enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question. (to
audience) Really…that is the question, and if any of
you have the answer, I would re ally appreciate a little
help here.
(enter OPHELIA)
OPHELIA: Hello, Ham.
HAMLET: Hello, O.
OPHELIA: So, whatcha been up to?
HAMLET: Just contemplating life and talking to
myself again. Hey, you know I like you?
OPHELIA: Really?
HAMLET: Ahhhh, no.
OPHELIA: You are sooooo mean!
HAMLET: I don’t like you at all! Get thee to a nunnery!
OPHELIA: O, woe is me! (OPHELIA exits as she is crying
with a really bad fake cry)
HAMLET: Whatever. Now let me think of another
gre at speech, oh ye ah, (as HAMLET exits) What
dre ams may come, when we blah, blah, blah…..
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: (to audience) Now watch Claudius closely
during the play, he will show his guilt and that will
prove he killed my father! Boy, I hope they remember
to suit the action to the word, the word to the action.
I know, I know (using air quotes) “be careful Hamlet”.
I know I should be worried, because this is a tragedy,
and the main character usually dies in a tragedy, and,
yes, I am the main character! But, (getting a little
crazy) I MUST PROVE HE KILLED MY FATHER!
HAMLET: (looking offstage) Oh look, they’re starting
the play.
(enter CLAUDIUS, very angry)
CLAUDIUS: STOP! Give me some light, away! That play
is HORRIBLE!
(CLAUDIUS exits)
HAMLET: I was right! (does a happy dance)
HAMLET: (to audience) I need to see my mother! I will
speak daggers to her but use none. I am MAD! MAD, I
tell you!!!!
(HAMLET exits screaming about being mad!)

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ACT 3 SCENE 3
(enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I feel realllllllly bad about
killing my brother, King Hamlet. I think I will pray
about it. Ye ah, that will make me feel better! (he
kneels and starts praying; enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: (seeing CLAUDIUS and addressing audience)
What’s this? (starts pulling out his sword) And now
I’ll do it! And so I am revenged! (talking to himself)
But he can’t fight back, so it’s not fair. Oh, darn it! I
hate having a conscience, it’s so inconvenient! I am so
confused!
(HAMLET exits)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Well, I don’t know about you,
but I feel refreshed!
(CLAUDIUS exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 4
(enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS)
GERTRUDE: What’s up, Polonius?
POLONIUS: I am going to hide and spy on your
conversation with Hamle t!
GERTRUDE: Oh, okay.
(POLONIUS hides somewhere, enter HAMLET very mad,
swinging his sword around)
HAMLET: MOM!!! I AM VERY MAD!
GERTRUDE: Ahhh! You scared me!
(POLONIUS sneezes from hiding spot)
HAMLET: (not seeing POLONIUS) How now, a rat?
Who’s hiding? (stabs POLONIUS)
POLONIUS: O, I am slain! Ohhhh, the pain! (dies on
stage)
GERTRUDE: Oh me, what has thou done?
HAMLET: Oops, I thought that was Claudius. Hmph, oh
well… as I was saying , I AM MAD you married uncle
Claudius!
GERTRUDE: Oh that, yeah, sorry. (in a motherly voice)
Now, you just killed Polonius, clean up this mess and go
to your room!
HAMLET: Okay Mom. (mimicking his mom in her
voice) Clean up this mess and go to your room.
(ALL exit, HAMLET drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)

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ACT 4 SCENES 1-3
(enter GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS)
GERTRUDE: Ahhh, Dear?
CLAUDIUS: Ye ah?
GERTRUDE: Ummmm, you would not believe what I
have seen tonight! Polonius is dead.
CLAUDIUS: WHAT!?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, Hamlet was acting a little crazy,
Polonius sneezed or some thing, then Hamle t yelled, “A
rat, a rat!” and then WHACK! It was over.
CLAUDIUS: (very angry) HAMLET!!!! GET OVER HERE
NOW!!!!!
(enter HAMLET)
CLAUDIUS: (very casual) Hey, what’s up?
HAMLET: What noise, who calls on Hamlet? What do
you want?
CLAUDIUS: Now, Hamlet. Where’s Polonius’ body?
HAMLET: I’m not telling!
CLAUDIUS: Oh come on, please tell me!!! Please! With a
cherry on top! Where is Polonius?
HAMLET: Oh, all right. He’s over there, up the stairs
into the lobby. (points offstage)
(POLONIUS enters and dies again)

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CLAUDIUS: Ewe… he’s a mess! Hamlet, I am sending you
off to England.
HAMLET: Fine! Fare well, dear Mother. And I’m taking
this with me! (drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)
(ALL exit but CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I have arranged his execution
in England! (laughs evilly as he exits) Muahahaha….

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ACT 4 SCENE 4
(enter HAMLET addresses audience – obviously very
upset)
HAMLET: I am suddenly feeling very upset! This play is
lasting really long. I need to speed this revenge thing
up! Don’t you all agree? (audience will quietly answer
yes)
HAMLET: (yelling backstage) HEY, DO YOU ALL AGREE?
(everyone answers backstage, “YES!”)
(CLAUDIUS pokes his head out)
CLAUDIUS: Ahhh, excuse me, I’m not so sure I agree….
HAMLET: (pointing sword at CLAUDIUS) Go away!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 4 SCENES 5 – 7
(enter OPHELIA and GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: Hey Ophelia, you feeling okay?
OPHELIA: (acting a little crazy) I am re ally feeling
weird right now.
(OPHELIA wandering around stage doing weird and
crazy things; enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (staring at OPHELIA) She is acting re ally
weird. Is she okay?
GERTRUDE: Well think about it; her father just got
killed by her boyfriend, whom she just broke up with,
yet is still in love with. How would you feel?
CLAUDIUS: Oh, no wonder she is kind of wacky.
(enter LAERTES very upset)
LAERTES: Where is this king? (noticing CLAUDIUS)
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FATHER, (noticing OPHELIA
acting crazy) and why is my sister looking so... loony?
GERTRUDE: Well, as I was telling Claudius, she’s a bit
bummed that her boyfriend killed your dad.
LAERTES: Aghhhhhhh!!! I will have REVENGE!
CLAUDIUS: Laertes, my friend, look, I will help you get
your revenge. I pray you go with me.
(GERTRUDE and OPHELIA exit)
CLAUDIUS: Listen, Hamlet killed your father and
wants to kill you too!
LAERTES: Ohhhh, he thinks so! I will get him!
CLAUDIUS: Let’s make an evil plan!
LAERTES: Sounds gre at!

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(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES laugh evilly together)
CLAUDIUS: How about you and Hamlet have a sword
fight? And Hamlet’s sword is blunt?
LAERTES: Gre at! And I will put poison on my tip to
make sure he dies!
CLAUDIUS: Gre at! And I will put poison in his drink if
none of that works!
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: GREAT!
(they high five; enter GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: What are you t wo up to?
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: Nothing. (laughing to each
other)
GERTRUDE: Well, then. Ahhh, Laertes? I have some
bad news.
LAERTES: Really? I have had enough of that, can I
have some good ne ws?
GERTRUDE: Nope, Ophelia just drowned. (GERTRUDE
drags OPHELIA’S body on stage – head soaking wet if
possible!)
LAERTES: WHAT!? Drown’d! O, where?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, outside…in water…sorry.
LAERTES: Alas, then, she is drown’d?
OPHELIA: (looks up at audience) Drowned!
GERTRUDE: Drown’d, drown’d.
LAERTES: I am sooooo going to get Hamle t!!!!
(LAERTES runs offstage waving his sword; ALL exit
GERTRUDE drags OPHELIA offstage)

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ACT 5 SCENE 1
(HAMLET enters, finds a skull on stage)
HAMLET: Oh look, a skull. Wow, it’s from this grave
marked Yorick . YORICK! Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him.
When I was a kid, he was the jester, the funniest guy I
kne w. So full of life and now he’s…..de ad. Bummer.
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS)
HAMLET: (to audience) Oh look! Hide! (HAMLET goes
off to side of stage)
GERTRUDE: We must bury Ophelia.
LAERTES: (starts weeping and crying extremely loud)
I AM SOOOOO MAD AT HAMLET!!! It’s his fault my
sister and father are de ad!
(HAMLET jumps up to confront LAERTES)
HAMLET: Laertes, I loved Ophelia, how dare you say I
killed her!
LAERTES: Aghhhhhh! (charges at HAMLET and they
start to fight)
(CLAUDIUS pulls back LAERTES)
CLAUDIUS: STOP! We will resolve this with the
swordfight!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 5 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET with a scroll or paper of some sort)
HAMLET: The king has placed a wager that I cannot
beat Laertes in a swordfight! What!?! Bring it on!
(talks to audience)
I know, I know, this is a tragedy, main character
usually dies, blah, blah, blah…
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS, and other
on-lookers)
HAMLET: So, I hear you want to fight?
LAERTES: Ye ah, you killed my father... and sister,
prepare to die!
HAMLET: Look, I really didn’t mean to kill your father.
He sneezed and freaked me out.
LAERTES: (handing sword to HAMLET) Just take your
sword and let’s go.
(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES to the side)
CLAUDIUS: Is your sword poisoned?
LAERTES: Yep. Is your wine poisoned?
CLAUDIUS: You betcha! (to audience, while ALL watch
him) If Hamle t wins, we will all drink wine! (winks at
audience while holding up poisoned wine cup)
(LAERTES and HAMLET start to fight, HAMLET strikes
first)
LAERTES: Ouch! That hurt!
HAMLET: How about this! (strikes him again)
LAERTES: Hey! (strikes back and hits HAMLET)
HAMLET: Ouch!

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GERTRUDE: All this fighting is making me thirsty!
(drinks poisoned wine)
CLAUDIUS: GERTRUDE, do not drink! (to audience) It
is the poisoned cup. It’s too late. Oh well, on with the
fight!
(during fight, HAMLET and LAERTES manage to drop
and switch swords – this must be obvious to the
audience)
LAERTES: (to CLAUDIUS) He has MY SWORD!
CLAUDIUS: Well, don’t get hit!
(HAMLET strikes LAERTES again)
LAERTES: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
(GERTRUDE suddenly gets up and starts to die)
HAMLET: MOMMY!!!! Aghhhhhhh!!!!
GERTRUDE: O my dear Hamlet. The drink, the drink, I
am poison’d (dies in melodramatic fashion, ALL watch)
HAMLET: (very mad) Oh villainy! Ho, let the door be
lock’d! Treachery! Seek it out!
(LAERTES starts dying)
LAERTES: Hamlet. Listen, Claudius poisoned the wine
cup and your mom drank it. He also poisoned my
sword.
HAMLET: Oh, that’s not good.
LAERTES: Nope, we’re both going to die. The king,
the king’s to blame. I am justly killed with my own
treachery!
(LAERTES falls over dead)

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CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Don’t you just hate
tattletales!
HAMLET: CLAUDIUS!!!! (HAMLET chases CLAUDIUS
around stage and finally kills him)
HAMLET: (starting to die) Well, this did not turn out
as I expected! I guess this was a tragedy after all! O, I
die. The rest is silence.
(HAMLET dies melodramatically)
(ALL exit)
THE END

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NOTES

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The 20-Minute or so
Hamle t
By William Shakespeare
Creatively modified by Brendan P.
Kelso
8-14+ Actors

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
HAMLET: son to the de ad King Hamle t, nephew to Claudius, the
thinker, or “over” thinker (he’s complicated)
CLAUDIUS: the big, bad new King of Denmark
GERTRUDE: Queen, Hamlet’s mom, married to his dad & then
to his uncle (it’s complicated)
2
POLONIUS: a lord (bad guy too!)
OPHELIA: Polonius’ daughter, thinks Hamlet is cute!
LAERTES: Polonius’ son and sword-fighter, thinks Hamlet is
rotten!
3
ROSENCRANTZ: crazy guy #1
1
GUILDENSTERN: crazy guy #2
1
HORATIO: Hamlet’s closest friend
3
GHOST: a ghost, duh
3
PLAYER: an actor
3
OSRIC: a young dude
2
FORTINBRAS: Prince of Nor way
2
SAILOR: a sailor
ON-LOOKERS: (extras, as many as needed)

The same actors can play the following parts:

1
HORATIO and GUILDENSTERN
2
POLONIUS, SAILOR, and FORTINBRAS
3
GHOST, PLAYER, ROSENCRANTZ, and OSRIC

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ACT 1 SCENE 1
(enter HORATIO)
HORATIO: (to the audience) I hear there is a ghost out
tonight. Where is he? (calling out and whistling) Here,
ghosty, ghosty, here boy!
(enter GHOST from behind HORATIO)
GHOST: (sneaking up behind HORATIO) Boo!
(HORATIO screams frantically)
HORATIO: That is NOT funny! (to the audience)
GHOST: Ahhh, yes it is!
HORATIO: NO, it is not!
GHOST: Whatever, dude. (continues wondering around)
HORATIO: (to the audience) Is it not like the King? I
must tell Hamlet! He’ll know what to do!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 1 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE)
CLAUDIUS: (to the audience) I love being the ruler!
(HAMLET enters) Hey Hamle t, my new son, why are
you looking so down in the dumps?
HAMLET: (to audience while pointing at Claudius) A
little more than kin, and less than kind. (to Claudius)
Oh, I'm just bummed that my dad died and my mom
married my uncle the very next day…ohh, excuse me…I
mean YOU!
GERTRUDE: Dear, stop being such a drag. All that lives
must die. You know... the circle of life, or haven't you
heard?
HAMLET: Whatever, Mom. That it should come to
this! He is my father’s brother, but no more like my
father than I to Hercules! I’m going to see my friends.
(GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS exit; HORATIO enters)
HORATIO: Hamle t, I saw your dad last night as a
ghost!
HAMLET: No way!
HORATIO: Way!
HAMLET: I thought I saw him in a dre am the other
night, in my mind’s eye. I’ll stop by tonight and check
it out!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 1 SCENE 3
(LAERTES, OPHELIA, and POLONIUS enter)
LAERTES: Ophelia, sis, please stop hanging out with
Hamlet. That prince is a bit crazy.
OPHELIA: But I love him!
LAERTES: Whoa, remember, this is a tragedy, not a
fairy tale. Most people die in tragedies, especially
people who love the main character.
POLONIUS: Laertes, aren’t you supposed to be going
back to France?
LAERTES: Oh ye ah, see ya, Dad! (LAERTES exits)
POLONIUS: (to LAERTES as he leaves) Hey! Neither a
borrower nor a lender be!
LAERTES: What?
POLONIUS: Just giving you some advice about money!
LAERTES: (a bit confused) Oh. Okay. Later!
POLONIUS: (to OPHELIA) Your brother is right, Hamlet
is crazy.
OPHELIA: But, I so totally like him!
POLONIUS: I forbid you to see him!
OPHELIA: I shall obey, Dad. I mean, I so totally DON’T
like him anymore.
POLONIUS: Good! (POLONIUS exits)
OPHELIA: (OPHELIA to audience) I’m a teenager, like I'm
going to listen to my dad!
(OPHELIA exits)

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ACT 1 SCENES 4 & 5
(HAMLET and HORATIO enter)
HORATIO: (to the audience) Something is rotten in the
state of Denmark.
HAMLET: Okay, I'm here. Now, where is this ghost of
my dad you have been talking about?
(HORATIO is looking around; GHOST enters)
HORATIO: There he is!
HAMLET: Where?
(GHOST sneaks up behind HAMLET)
GHOST: Boo!
HAMLET: Aghhhhh!
GHOST: Hah! Scared ya!
HAMLET: Who are you?
GHOST: (in a ghostly voice) I am your father’s spirit.
HAMLET: Oh. ….What!?
GHOST: Your father, you know, the ex-King! I want you
to know that the serpent that did sting thy father’s
life now wears his crown.
HAMLET: What?
GHOST: I was the King until your Uncle Claudius
poisoned me by pouring icky stuff in my ear! Murder
most foul!
HAMLET: Uncle Claudius killed you?
GHOST: Ye ah, then he married my wife, YOUR MOM,
and then became King!
HAMLET: WHAT?! Ohhh, that makes me soooo mad!

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GHOST: Ye ah? Well, how do you think I feel? Dead
and all…. O horrible, O horrible, most horrible.
HAMLET: Ye ah, guess that stinks too. So what do you
want me to do?
GHOST: Avenge me! You MUST kill Claudius!
HAMLET: Whoa! Kill Claudius? Well…..ahhh….not
really sure I like that, I mean, it’s just not right, killing
someone. What if you don’t really exist?
GHOST: Did you not hear me? He killed me, married
your mom, and is now the new king. Doesn’t that
make you a bit angry?
HAMLET: (getting riled up) Ye ah.
GHOST: I am your father, don’t you want to avenge my
de ath!
HAMLET: (getting more riled up) YEAH!
GHOST: Then get going!
HAMLET: I WILL AVENGE YOU, FATHER!
GHOST: Oh, and Hamle t?
HAMLET: YEAH?
GHOST: Boo! (HAMLET jumps up scared)
HAMLET: Quit doing that!
GHOST: Sorry son, it’s one of the perks of the job. My
hour is almost come, now get going! (now in a ghostly
voice) AVENGE ME!
(GHOST exits)
HAMLET: (to exiting ghost) Rest, Rest, perturbed
spirit!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 2 SCENE 1
(enter OPHELIA and POLONIUS)
OPHELIA: Dad, Hamlet is looking a bit weird lately.
I me an, his clothes are ragged and he is talking to
himself…not quite as cute as he once was, but I still
like him!
POLONIUS: I told you to stay away from him!
OPHELIA: I did!
POLONIUS: Hamlet is probably crazy without your
love! That hath made him mad. (to audience) I will tell
Claudius the king!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 2 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and
GERTRUDE)
CLAUDIUS: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes sir!
CLAUDIUS: I need you to take on a very, very, very,
very, very, very secre t mission!
ROSENCRANTZ: Secret mission? Yes sir!
GUILDENSTERN: We get to be spies?
ROSENCRANTZ: I want to be the spy!
GUILDENSTERN: (starting an argument with
ROSENCRANTZ) No, I’m the spy!
ROSENCRANTZ: NO, I’m the spy!
GUILDENSTERN: NO! I’M THE SPY!
CLAUDIUS: Stop!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Sorry, sir.
GUILDENSTERN: (whispering to ROSENCRANTZ) I’m
still the spy!
GERTRUDE: We need you to find out why Hamlet is
acting so strange lately. I beseech you instantly to
visit my too much changed son, Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN: We will do whatever it takes.
ROSENCRANTZ: Hey, that’s my line.
GUILDENSTERN: No, it’s my line.
ROSENCRANTZ: No, It’s MY line!
GUILDENSTERN: NO, IT’S MY LINE!!!
CLAUDIUS: Stop!
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ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Sorry, sir.
ROSENCRANTZ: By the way, is there any money in it
for us?
CLAUDIUS: Sure, here’s a dollar.
ROSENCRANTZ: (takes dollar) It’s mine!
GUILDENSTERN: (starting an argument with
ROSENCRANTZ) No, it’s mine!
ROSENCRANTZ: No, mine!
GUILDENSTERN: NO! MINE!
CLAUDIUS: (annoyed by them) Here’s another dollar,
just go!
(ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN exit still arguing;
enter POLONIUS)
POLONIUS: (to CLAUDIUS) Sir, I have found the very
cause of Hamlet’s lunacy. I know why he has been
acting so crazy!
GERTRUDE: Why!?
POLONIUS: I will be brief. Your noble son is mad. He is
in love with Ophelia and I have told her to reject him!
Claudius, why don’t we spy on him?
CLAUDIUS: Sounds like fun! But what if he is faking
being crazy?
POLONIUS: Hmmm. Though this be madness, yet there
is method in’t.
CLAUDIUS: Right?
(exit CLAUDIUS, POLONIUS, and GERTRUDE; enter
HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN)
ROSENCRANTZ: What’s up, Ham?

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GUILDENSTERN: How have you been, buddy?
HAMLET: Oh, just thinking.
ROSENCRANTZ: ‘Bout what?
HAMLET: Well, since you asked. Did you know there is
nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so?
GUILDENSTERN: (ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN
looking at each other with a puzzled look on their
faces) Man, you are a weird dude.
HAMLET: Whatever. What brings you around here?
ROSENCRANTZ: My lord, we were sent for, by the
king. By the way, there are some players coming into
town today, you should check them out.
HAMLET: (to audience) Ah haa! I have an ide a! The
play’s the thing. Wherein I’ll catch the conscience
of the king. I will have the players act out how my
father was killed! Then Claudius will feel guilty and
admit his crime! Oh, vengeance! Claudius is a bloody,
bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous,
kindless villain!
(ALL exit but HAMLET, who addresses audience)
HAMLET: What luck to find these actors! It will be
gre at to see Claudius show his guilt! What a piece of
work is a man!
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 1
(enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question (to
audience) Really…that is the question, and if any of
you have the answer, I would re ally appreciate a little
help here.
(enter OPHELIA)
OPHELIA: Hello, Ham.
HAMLET: Hello, O.
OPHELIA: So, whatcha been up to?
HAMLET: Just contemplating life and talking to
myself again. Hey, you know I like you?
OPHELIA: Really?
HAMLET: Ahhhh, no.
OPHELIA: You are sooooo mean!
HAMLET: I don’t like you at all! Get thee to a nunnery!
OPHELIA: O, woe is me! (OPHELIA exits as she is crying
with a really bad fake cry)
HAMLET: Whatever. Now let me think of another
gre at speech, oh ye ah, (as HAMLET exits) What
dre ams may come, when we blah, blah, blah…..
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET, PLAYER, and HORATIO)
PLAYER: (to Hamlet) I will do the play just as you
wrote it!
(PLAYER off to side practicing acting)
HAMLET: Horatio, now watch Claudius closely during
the play, he will show his guilt and that will prove he
killed my father! Hey... (to the PLAYER) Suit the action
to the word, the word to the action.
PLAYER: Right!
HORATIO: Ahh, you do re alize this is a tragedy, right?
HAMLET: Ye ah, why?
HORATIO: Well, I just want you to know that usually,
in a tragedy, the main character gets killed in the end.
HAMLET: So, what’s your point?
HORATIO: YOU are the main character, they even
named the play after you: “HAMLET,” so BE CAREFUL!
HAMLET: (getting a little crazy) Ye ah, well, I MUST
PROVE HE KILLED MY FATHER!
HORATIO: Okey-dokey. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. Here
they come!
(enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, and OPHELIA and sit
around to watch the play)

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PLAYER: I am about to do a tragedy. (acting as t wo
players; first the king) I am the king! (now as brother)
And I am your brother. (back as king) I am tired, I
think I will take a nap. (back as brother) I will kill him
by pouring poison in his ear! Muahahaha!!! (king dies
melodramatically; back as the brother, triumphantly)
I am the new king!
CLAUDIUS: (gets up very angrily) STOP! Give me some
light, away! Everyone, go home!
(ALL exit but HAMLET and HORATIO)
HAMLET: I was right! (does a happy dance)
HORATIO: Looks like it.
HAMLET: I need to see my mother! I will speak
daggers to her but use none. I am MAD! MAD, I tell
you!!!!
HORATIO: Ummm... are you like angry mad or just
crazy mad? (HAMLET exits screaming about being
mad!) Okaaaay... I'm going to go with angry... for now.
(exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 3
(enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I feel realllllllly bad about
killing my brother, King Hamlet. I think I will pray
about it. Ye ah, that will make me feel better! (he
kneels and starts praying; enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: (seeing CLAUDIUS and addressing audience)
What’s this?! (starts pulling out his sword) And now
I’ll do it! And so I am revenged! But he can’t fight back,
so it’s not fair. Oh, darn it! I hate having a conscience,
it’s so inconvenient! I am so confused!
(HAMLET exits)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Well, I don’t know about you,
but, I feel refreshed!
(CLAUDIUS exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 4
(enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS)
GERTRUDE: What’s up Polonius?
POLONIUS: I am going to hide and spy on your
conversation with Hamle t!
GERTRUDE: Oh, okay.
(POLONIUS hides somewhere, enter HAMLET very mad,
swinging his sword around)
HAMLET: MOM!!! I AM VERY MAD!
GERTRUDE: Ahhh! You scared me!
(POLONIUS sneezes from hiding spot)
HAMLET: (not seeing POLONIUS) How now, a rat?
Who’s hiding? (stabs POLONIUS)
POLONIUS: O, I am slain! Ohhhh, the pain! (dies on
stage)
GERTRUDE: Oh me, what has thou done?
HAMLET: Oops, I thought that was Claudius. Hmph, oh
well… as I was saying , I AM MAD you married uncle
Claudius!
GERTRUDE: Oh that, yeah, sorry. (in a motherly voice)
Now, you just killed Polonius, clean up this mess and go
to your room!
HAMLET: Okay Mom. (mimicking his mom in her
voice) Clean up this mess and go to your room.
(ALL exit, HAMLET drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)

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ACT 4 SCENES 1-3
(enter GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS)
GERTRUDE: Ahhh, Dear?
CLAUDIUS: Ye ah?
GERTRUDE: Ummmm, you would not believe what I
have seen tonight! Polonius is dead.
CLAUDIUS: WHAT!?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, Hamlet was acting a little crazy,
Polonius sneezed or some thing, then Hamle t yelled, “A
rat, a rat!” and then WHACK! It was over.
CLAUDIUS: (yelling offstage) Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern!
(enter ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN out of breath)
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes sir!
CLAUDIUS: (looking worried) Hamlet! HAMLET! He
killed Polonius!
ROSENCRANTZ: Wow!
GUILDENSTERN: Are you sure, I me an, Hamle t seems
nice.
CLAUDIUS: What?! Yes, I am sure! Now, I want you to
bring him here. I pray you haste in this.
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: (confused)
What?
CLAUDIUS: NOW!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: (still confused)
Okay.

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(ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN run offstage and
return with HAMLET)
CLAUDIUS: (very casual) Hey, what’s up?
HAMLET: What noise, who calls on Hamlet? What do
you want?
CLAUDIUS: Now Hamlet. Where’s Polonius’ body?
HAMLET: I’m not telling!
CLAUDIUS: FINE!
ROSENCRANTZ: What have you done, my lord, with
the dead body?
GUILDENSTERN: Will you tell us?
HAMLET: (sarcastically) Suuuuuurrrrrre. It’s over
there. (pointing offstage) No, over there. (pointing
in another direction) No! Over there! (pointing to a
random place in the audience)
(this goes on a while and ROSENCRANTZ &
GUILDENSTERN are running crazily after HAMLET’S
directions all over the stage and through the audience;
HAMLET is laughing at them)
GUILDENSTERN: Will you STOP! I’m tired.
CLAUDIUS: Where is Polonius?
HAMLET: Oh, all right. Up the stairs and into the lobby.
(points offstage; ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN go
get POLONIUS’ body and drag him on stage)

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CLAUDIUS: Ewe… he’s a mess! Hamlet, I am sending you
off to England. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, take
him away!
HAMLET: Fine! Fare well, dear Mother. And I'm taking
this with me! (drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)
(ALL exit but CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I have arranged his execution
in England! (laughs evilly as he exits) Muahahaha….

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ACT 4 SCENE 4
(enter HAMLET addresses audience – obviously very
upset)
HAMLET: I am suddenly feeling very upset! This play is
lasting really long. I need to speed this revenge thing
up! Don’t you all agree? (audience will quietly answer
yes)
HAMLET: (yelling backstage) HEY, DO YOU ALL AGREE?
(everyone answers backstage, “YES!”)
(CLAUDIUS pokes his head out)
CLAUDIUS: Ahhh, excuse me, I’m not so sure I agree….
HAMLET: (pointing sword at CLAUDIUS) Go away!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 4 SCENES 5 – 7
(enter OPHELIA and GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: Hey Ophelia, you feeling okay?
OPHELIA: (acting a little crazy) I am re ally feeling
weird right now.
(OPHELIA wandering around stage doing weird and
crazy things; enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (staring at OPHELIA) She is acting re ally
weird. Is she okay?
GERTRUDE: Well think about it; her father just got
killed by her boyfriend, whom she just broke up with,
yet is still in love with. How would you feel?
CLAUDIUS: Oh, no wonder why she is kind of wacky.
(enter LAERTES very upset)
LAERTES: Where is this king? (noticing CLAUDIUS)
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FATHER, (noticing OPHELIA
acting crazy) and why is my sister looking so... loony?
GERTRUDE: Well, as I was telling Claudius, she’s a bit
bummed that her boyfriend killed your dad.
LAERTES: Aghhhhhhh!!! I will have REVENGE!
CLAUDIUS: Laertes, my friend, look, I will help you get
your revenge. I pray you go with me.
(GERTRUDE and OPHELIA exit; SAILOR brings a letter
to CLAUDIUS)

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SAILOR: There’s a letter for you sir. It says "Hamlet is
returning!" (SAILOR shows letter that says, "Hamlet is
returning!"; SAILOR exits)
CLAUDIUS: Listen, Hamlet killed your father and
wants to kill you too!
LAERTES: Ohhhh, he thinks so! I will get him!
CLAUDIUS: Let’s make an evil plan!
LAERTES: Sounds gre at!
(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES laugh evilly together)
CLAUDIUS: How about you and Hamlet have a sword
fight? And Hamlet’s sword is blunt?
LAERTES: Gre at! And I will put poison on my tip to
make sure he dies!
CLAUDIUS: Gre at! And I will put poison in his drink if
none of that works!
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: GREAT!
(they high five; enter GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: What are you t wo up to?
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: Nothing. (laughing to each
other)
GERTRUDE: Well then, ahhh, Laertes? I have some bad
news.
LAERTES: Really? I have had enough of that, can I
have some good ne ws?

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GERTRUDE: Nope, Ophelia just drowned. (GERTRUDE
drags OPHELIA’S body on stage – head soaking wet if
possible!)
LAERTES: WHAT!? Drown’d! O, where?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, outside…in water…sorry.
LAERTES: Alas, then, she is drown’d?
OPHELIA: (looks up at audience) Drowned!
GERTRUDE: Drown’d, drown’d.
LAERTES: I am sooooo going to get Hamle t!!!!
(LAERTES runs offstage waving his sword; ALL exit
GERTRUDE drags OPHELIA offstage)

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ACT 5 SCENE 1
(HAMLET and HORATIO enter, HAMLET finds a skull on
stage)
HAMLET: Oh look, a skull.
HORATIO: Ye ah, it’s from this grave marked Yorick .
HAMLET: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.
HORATIO: Really? Well, I think he’s dead now.
HAMLET: When I was a kid, he was the jester, the
funniest guy I kne w.
HORATIO: Ye ah? Well, he’s still dead.
HAMLET: So full of life and now he’s…..
HORATIO: De ad.
HAMLET: Bummer.
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS)
HORATIO: Oh look! Hide! (HAMLET and HORATIO go off
to side of stage)
GERTRUDE: We must bury Ophelia.
LAERTES: (starts weeping and crying extremely loud)
I AM SOOOOO MAD AT HAMLET!!! It’s his fault my
sister and father are de ad!
(HAMLET jumps up to confront LAERTES)

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HAMLET: Laertes, I loved Ophelia, how dare you say I
killed her!
LAERTES: Aghhhhhh! (charges at HAMLET and they
start to fight)
HORATIO: Hamlet, we must leave.
(HORATIO pulls back HAMLET and exits with him as
HAMLET is still yelling at LAERTES; CLAUDIUS pulls
back LAERTES)
(ALL exit)

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ACT 5 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET and HORATIO)
HAMLET: Horatio, did you know that Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern were taking me to England to have
me killed!
HORATIO: Really?
HAMLET: Ye ah, but I got them!
HORATIO: What did you do?
HAMLET: I tricked England into thinking that
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were to be killed.
(enter OSRIC)
HAMLET: Osric! What brings you here?
OSRIC: The king has placed a wager that you can not
beat Laertes in a swordfight!
HAMLET: What!?! Bring it on!
HORATIO: I don’t know man, this doesn’t seem right. I
will tell him you are not fit.
HAMLET: (to OSRIC) Tell him I will fight!
(exit OSRIC)
HORATIO: Dude, I’m telling you. This is a TRAGEDY,
remember? You shouldn’t fight! You will lose, my lord.
HAMLET: I don’t think so. The time is NOW!
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, OSRIC, CLAUDIUS, and
other on-lookers)

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HAMLET: So, I hear you want to fight?
LAERTES: Ye ah, you killed my father... and sister,
prepare to die!
HAMLET: Look, I really didn’t mean to kill your father.
He sneezed and freaked me out.
LAERTES: (handing sword to HAMLET) Just take your
sword and let's go.
(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES to the side)
CLAUDIUS: Is your sword poisoned?
LAERTES: Yep. Is your wine poisoned?
CLAUDIUS: You betcha!
HORATIO: (to HAMLET) Listen, this doesn’t seem
right….
CLAUDIUS: (to audience, while ALL watch him)
If Hamle t wins, we will all drink wine! (winks
at audience while holding up poisoned wine cup)
(LAERTES and HAMLET start to fight, HAMLET strikes
first)
LAERTES: Ouch! That hurt!
HAMLET: How about this! (strikes him again)
LAERTES: Hey! (strikes back and hits HAMLET)
HAMLET: Ouch!

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GERTRUDE: All this fighting is making me thirsty!
(drinks poisoned wine)
CLAUDIUS: GERTRUDE, do not drink! (to audience) It is
the poisoned cup. It is too late. Oh well.
(during fight, HAMLET and LAERTES manage to drop
and switch swords – this must be obvious to the
audience)
LAERTES: (to CLAUDIUS) He has MY SWORD!
CLAUDIUS: Well, don’t get hit!
(HAMLET strikes LAERTES again)
LAERTES: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
(GERTRUDE suddenly gets up and starts to die)
HAMLET: MOMMY!!!! Aghhhhhhh!!!!
GERTRUDE: O my dear Hamlet. The drink, the drink, I
am poison’d (dies in melodramatic fashion, ALL watch)
HAMLET: (very mad) Oh villainy! Ho, let the door be
lock’d! Treachery! Seek it out!
(LAERTES starts dying)
LAERTES: Hamlet. Listen, Claudius poisoned the wine
cup and your mom drank it. He also poisoned my
sword.
HAMLET: Oh, that’s not good.
HORATIO: I told you so!

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LAERTES: Nope, we’re both going to die. The king,
the king’s to blame. I am justly killed with my own
treachery!
(LAERTES falls over dead)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Don’t you just hate
tattletales!
HAMLET: CLAUDIUS!!!! (HAMLET chases CLAUDIUS
around stage and finally kills him)
HAMLET: (enter FORTINBRAS and some of his men;
HAMLET starting to die) Well this did not turn out
as I expected! I guess this was a tragedy after all!
Fortinbras, you are now the king. O, I die. The rest is
silence.
(HAMLET dies melodramatically)
FORTINBRAS: Sweet, I get to be king! (does a happy
dance, then speaks to the audience) I like tragedies!
What a mess! (stepping over bodies) Let’s clean this
up!
(ALL exit)

THE END

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The 25-Minute or so
Hamle t
By William Shakespeare
Creatively modified by Brendan P.
Kelso
11-20+ Actors

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
HAMLET: son to the de ad King Hamle t, nephew to Claudius, the
thinker, or “over” thinker (he’s complicated)
CLAUDIUS: the big, bad new King of Denmark
GERTRUDE: Queen, Hamlet’s mom, married to his dad & then
to his uncle (it’s complicated)
2
POLONIUS: a lord (bad guy too!)
OPHELIA: Polonius’ daughter, thinks Hamlet is cute!
LAERTES: Polonius’ son and sword-fighter, thinks Hamlet is
rotten!
3
ROSENCRANTZ: crazy guy #1
3
GUILDENSTERN: crazy guy #2
HORATIO: Hamlet’s closest friend
3
MARCELLUS: Hamlet’s friend
3
BARNARDO: Hamlet’s friend
4
GHOST: a ghost, duh
4
OSRIC: a young dude
1
PLAYER 1: an actor
1
PLAYER 2: another actor
1
GRAVEDIGGER 1: a person who digs graves
1
GRAVEDIGGER 2: see above
2
FORTINBRAS: Prince of Nor way
2
SAILOR: a sailor
ON-LOOKERS: (extras, as many as needed)
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The same actors can play the following parts:
1
PLAYERS and GRAVEDIGGERS
2
POLONIUS, SAILOR, and FORTINBRAS
3
MARCELLUS & BARNARDO can play ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN
4
GHOST and OSRIC

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ACT 1 SCENE 1
(enter BARNARDO, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS)
MARCELLUS: Guys! Guess what? I have seen a ghost
twice before!
HORATIO: No you haven’t, have you?
BARNARDO: Yep! It’s true. I have seen him too!
HORATIO: You guys are just pulling my leg!
(enter GHOST from behind HORATIO)
GHOST: (sneaking up behind HORATIO) Boo!
(HORATIO screaming frantically, meanwhile,
MARCELLUS and BARNADO are laughing hysterically)
MARCELLUS: Is it not like the King?
BARNARDO: Yes, it looks like Hamlet’s dad, just a
touch more… oh, I don’t know…. pale?
HORATIO: Ohhhh, that ghost is NOT a good thing. It’s
scary! Smells bad too. Bad things will happen! I mean,
listen to his voice, it’s creepy. (GHOST makes creepy
noises)
BARNARDO: So what should we do?
HORATIO: We must tell Hamlet! He’ll know what to
do!
MARCELLUS and BARNARDO: Good ide a!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 1 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE)
CLAUDIUS: (to the audience) I love being the ruler!
(HAMLET enters) Hey Hamle t, my new son, why are
you looking so down in the dumps?
HAMLET: (to audience while pointing at Claudius) A
little more than kin, and less than kind. (to Claudius)
Oh, I'm just bummed that my dad died and my mom
married my uncle the very next day…ohh, excuse me…I
mean YOU!
GERTRUDE: Dear, stop being such a drag. All that lives
must die. You know... the circle of life, or haven't you
heard?
HAMLET: Whatever Mom. That it should come to this!
He is my father’s brother, but no more like my father
than I to Hercules! I’m going to see my friends.
(GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS exit; HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and
BARNARDO enter)
HORATIO: Hamle t, I saw your dad last night as a
ghost!
HAMLET: No way!
BARNARDO and MARCELLUS: Way!
HAMLET: I thought I saw him in a dre am the other
night, in my mind’s eye. I’ll stop by tonight and check
it out!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 1 SCENE 3
(LAERTES, OPHELIA, and POLONIUS enter)
LAERTES: Ophelia, sis, please stop hanging out with
Hamlet. That prince is a bit crazy.
OPHELIA: But I love him!
LAERTES: Whoa, remember, this is a tragedy, not a
fairy tale. Most people die in tragedies, especially
people who love the main character.
POLONIUS: Laertes, aren’t you supposed to be going
back to France?
LAERTES: Oh ye ah, see ya, Dad! (LAERTES exits)
POLONIUS: (to LAERTES as he leaves) Hey! Neither a
borrower nor a lender be!
LAERTES: What?
POLONIUS: Just giving you some advice about money!
LAERTES: (a bit confused) Oh. Okay. Later!
POLONIUS: (to OPHELIA) Your brother is right, Hamlet
is crazy.
OPHELIA: But, I so totally like him!
POLONIUS: I forbid you to see him!
OPHELIA: I shall obey, Dad. I mean, I so totally DON’T
like him anymore.
POLONIUS: Good! (POLONIUS exits)
OPHELIA: (to audience) I’m a teenager, like I'm going to
listen to my dad!
(OPHELIA exits)

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ACT 1 SCENES 4 & 5
(HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS enter)
MARCELLUS: (to the audience) Something is rotten in
the state of Denmark.
HAMLET: Okay, I'm here. Now, where is this ghost of
my dad you have been talking about?
(HORATIO and MARCELLUS are looking around; GHOST
enters)
HORATIO and MARCELLUS: There he is!
HAMLET: Where?
(GHOST sneaks up behind HAMLET)
GHOST: Boo!
HAMLET: Aghhhhh!
GHOST: Hah! Scared ya!
HAMLET: Who are you?
GHOST: (in a ghostly voice) I am your father’s spirit.
HAMLET: Oh. ….What!?
GHOST: Your father, you know the ex-King! I want you
to know that the serpent that did sting thy father’s
life now wears his crown.
HAMLET: What?
GHOST: I was the King until your Uncle Claudius
poisoned me by pouring icky stuff in my ear! Murder
most foul!
HAMLET: Uncle Claudius killed you?
GHOST: Ye ah, then he married my wife, YOUR MOM,
and then became King!
HAMLET: WHAT! Ohhh, that makes me soooo mad!
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GHOST: Ye ah? Well, how do you think I feel? Dead
and all…. O horrible, O horrible, most horrible.
HAMLET: Ye ah, guess that stinks too. So what do you
want me to do?
GHOST: Avenge me! You MUST kill Claudius!
HAMLET: Whoa! Kill Claudius? Well…..ahhh….not
really sure I like that, I mean, it’s just not right, killing
someone. What if you don’t really exist?
GHOST: Did you not hear me? He killed me, married
your mom, and is now the new King. Doesn’t that
make you a bit angry?
HAMLET: (getting riled up) Ye ah.
GHOST: I am your father, don’t you want to avenge my
de ath!
HAMLET: (getting more riled up) YEAH!
GHOST: Then get going!
HAMLET: I WILL AVENGE YOU FATHER!
GHOST: Oh, and Hamle t?
HAMLET: YEAH?
GHOST: Boo! (HAMLET jumps up scared)
HAMLET: Quit doing that!
GHOST: Sorry son, it’s one of the perks of the job. My
hour is almost come, now get going! (now in a ghostly
voice) AVENGE ME!
(GHOST exits)
HAMLET: (to exiting ghost) Rest, Rest, perturbed
spirit!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 2 SCENE 1
(enter OPHELIA and POLONIUS)
OPHELIA: Dad, Hamlet is looking a bit weird lately.
I me an, his clothes are ragged and he is talking to
himself…not quite as cute as he once was, but I still
like him!
POLONIUS: I told you to stay away from him!
OPHELIA: I did!
POLONIUS: Hamlet is probably crazy without your
love! That hath made him mad. (to audience) I will tell
Claudius the king!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 2 SCENE 2
(enter CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and
GERTRUDE)
CLAUDIUS: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes sir!
CLAUDIUS: I need you to take on a very, very, very,
very, very, very secre t mission!
ROSENCRANTZ: Secret mission? Yes sir!
GUILDENSTERN: We get to be spies?
ROSENCRANTZ: I want to be the spy!
GUILDENSTERN: (starting an argument with
ROSENCRANTZ) No, I’m the spy!
ROSENCRANTZ: NO, I’m the spy!
GUILDENSTERN: NO! I’M THE SPY!
CLAUDIUS: Stop!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Sorry sir.
GUILDENSTERN: (whispering to ROSENCRANTZ) I’m
still the spy!
GERTRUDE: We need you to find out why Hamlet is
acting so strange lately. I beseech you instantly to
visit my too much changed son, Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN: We will do whatever it takes.
ROSENCRANTZ: Hey, that’s my line.
GUILDENSTERN: No, it’s my line.
ROSENCRANTZ: No, It’s MY line!
GUILDENSTERN: NO, IT’S MY LINE!!!
CLAUDIUS: Stop!
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ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Sorry, sir.
ROSENCRANTZ: By the way, is there any money in it
for us?
CLAUDIUS: Sure, here’s a dollar.
ROSENCRANTZ: (takes dollar) It’s mine!
GUILDENSTERN: (starting an argument with
ROSENCRANTZ) No, it’s mine!
ROSENCRANTZ: No, mine!
GUILDENSTERN: NO! MINE!
CLAUDIUS: (annoyed by them) Here’s another dollar,
just go!
(ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN exit still arguing;
enter POLONIUS)
POLONIUS: (to CLAUDIUS) Sir, I have found the very
cause of Hamlet’s lunacy. I know why he has been
acting so crazy!
GERTRUDE: Why!?
POLONIUS: I will be brief. Your noble son is mad. He is
in love with Ophelia and I have told her to reject him!
Claudius, why don’t we spy on him?
CLAUDIUS: Sounds like fun! But what if he is faking
being crazy?
POLONIUS: Hmmm. Though this be madness, yet there
is method in’t.
CLAUDIUS: Right?
(exit CLAUDIUS, POLONIUS, and GERTRUDE; enter
HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN)
ROSENCRANTZ: What’s up Ham?

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GUILDENSTERN: How have you been buddy?
HAMLET: Oh, just thinking.
ROSENCRANTZ: ‘Bout what?
HAMLET: Well, since you asked. Did you know there is
nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so?
GUILDENSTERN: (ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN
looking at each other with a puzzled look on their
faces) Man, you are a weird dude.
HAMLET: Whatever. What brings you around here?
ROSENCRANTZ: My lord, we were sent for, by the
king. Oh look, here come some players.
PLAYER 1: Hello. We are the players.
PLAYER 2: Here to do a play!
HAMLET: (to audience) Ah haa! I have an ide a! The
plays the thing. Wherein I’ll catch the conscience
of the king. I will have the players act out how my
father was killed! Then Claudius will feel guilty and
admit his crime! Oh, vengeance! Claudius is a bloody,
bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous,
kindless villain! (to PLAYERS) Soooo, what if I said I
could get you in front of the king?
PLAYER 1: Sounds gre at!
HAMLET: OK, but you have to do a special play that I
write, you good with that?
PLAYER 2: Great! Let’s go!
(ALL exit but HAMLET, who addresses audience)
HAMLET: What luck to find these actors! It will be
gre at to see Claudius show his guilt! What a piece of
work is a man! (HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 1
(enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question (to
audience) Really…that is the question, and if any of
you have the answer, I would re ally appreciate a little
help here.
(enter OPHELIA)
OPHELIA: Hello Ham.
HAMLET: Hello O.
OPHELIA: So, whatcha been up to?
HAMLET: Just contemplating life and talking to
myself again. Hey, you know I like you?
OPHELIA: Really?
HAMLET: Ahhhh, no.
OPHELIA: You are sooooo mean!
HAMLET: I don’t like you at all! Get thee to a nunnery!
OPHELIA: O, woe is me! (OPHELIA exits as she is crying
with a really bad fake cry)
HAMLET: Whatever. Now let me think of another
gre at speech, oh ye ah, (as HAMLET exits) What
dre ams may come, when we blah, blah, blah…..
(HAMLET exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET, PLAYERS, and HORATIO)
PLAYER 2: (to Hamlet) We will do the play just as you
wrote it!
PLAYER 1: Do I re ally have to die?
PLAYER 2: Yes!
PLAYER 1: Do I get to do a great swordfight and die
like a brave knight?
PLAYER 2: Ahhhh, no. You die in your sleep.
PLAYER 1: What!?!? Come on man that stinks!
PLAYER 2: Just do it. That’s what the script says.
PLAYER 1: Fine, but just be warned, this may be the
BEST sleep death you have EVER seen!
PLAYER 2: Fine. Let’s go.
(PLAYERS off to side practicing their acting)
HAMLET: Horatio, now watch Claudius closely during
the play, he will show his guilt and that will prove he
killed my father! Hey guys. (to the PLAYERS) Suit the
action to the word, the word to the action.
PLAYERS 1&2: Right!

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HORATIO: Ahh, you do re alize this is a tragedy, right?
HAMLET: Ye ah, why?
HORATIO: Well, I just want you to know, that usually,
in a tragedy, the main character gets killed in the end.
HAMLET: So what’s your point?
HORATIO: YOU are the main character, they even
named the play after you “HAMLET”, so BE CAREFUL!
HAMLET: (getting a little crazy) Ye ah, well, I MUST
PROVE HE KILLED MY FATHER!
HORATIO: Okey-dokey. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. Here
they come!
(enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ
& GUILDENSTERN and sit around to watch the play)
PLAYER 2: We are about to do a tragedy.
(ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN cheer; everyone
gives them a mean look)
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Sorry.
PLAYER 1: I am the king!
PLAYER 2: I am your brother.
PLAYER 1: I am tired, I think I will take a nap. (starts
snoring very loudly)
PLAYER 2: I will kill him by pouring poison in his ear!
Muahahaha!!!
(PLAYER 1 dies melodramatically)
PLAYER 2: (triumphantly) I am now the king!

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CLAUDIUS: (gets up very angrily) STOP! Give me some
light, away! Everyone, go home!
(ALL exit but HAMLET and HORATIO)
HAMLET: I was right! (does a happy dance)
HORATIO: Looks like it.
(HAMLET off to the side to the audience)
HAMLET: I need to see my mother! I will speak
daggers to her but use none. I am MAD! MAD I tell
you!!!!
HORATIO: Ummm... are you like angry mad or just
crazy mad? (HAMLET exits screaming about being
mad!) Okaaaay... I'm going to go with angry... for now.
(exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 3
(enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I feel realllllllly bad about
killing my brother, King Hamlet. I think I will pray
about it. Ye ah, that will make me feel better! (he
kneels and starts praying; enter HAMLET)
HAMLET: (seeing CLAUDIUS and addressing audience)
What’s this! (starts pulling out his sword) And now I’ll
do it! And so I am revenged! But he can’t fight back, so
it’s not fair. Oh, darn it! I hate having a conscience, it’s
so inconvenient! I am so confused!
(HAMLET exits)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Well, I don’t know about you,
but, I feel refreshed!
(CLAUDIUS exits)

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ACT 3 SCENE 4
(enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS)
GERTRUDE: What’s up Polonius?
POLONIUS: I am going to hide and spy on your
conversation with Hamle t!
GERTRUDE: Oh, okay.
(POLONIUS hides somewhere, enter HAMLET very mad,
swinging his sword around)
HAMLET: MOM!!! I AM VERY MAD!
GERTRUDE: Ahhh! You scared me!
(POLONIUS sneezes from hiding spot)
HAMLET: (not seeing POLONIUS) How now, a rat?
Who’s hiding? (stabs POLONIUS)
POLONIUS: O, I am slain! Ohhhh, the pain! (dies on
stage)
GERTRUDE: Oh me, what has thou done?
HAMLET: Oops, I thought that was Claudius. Hmph, oh
well… as I was saying , I AM MAD you married uncle
Claudius!
GERTRUDE: Oh that, yeah, sorry. (in a motherly voice)
Now, you just killed Polonius, clean up this mess and go
to your room!
HAMLET: Okay Mom. (mimicking his mom in her
voice) Clean up this mess and go to your room.
(ALL exit, HAMLET drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)

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ACT 4 SCENES 1-3
(enter GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS)
GERTRUDE: Ahhh, Dear?
CLAUDIUS: Ye ah?
GERTRUDE: Ummmm, you would not believe what I
have seen tonight! Polonius is dead.
CLAUDIUS: WHAT!?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, Hamlet was acting a little crazy,
Polonius sneezed or some thing, then Hamle t yelled, “A
rat, a rat!” and then WHACK! It was over.
CLAUDIUS: (yelling offstage) Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern!
(enter ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN out of breath)
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes sir!
CLAUDIUS: (looking worried) Hamlet! HAMLET! He
killed Polonius!
ROSENCRANTZ: Wow!
GUILDENSTERN: Are you sure, I me an, Hamle t seems
nice.
CLAUDIUS: What?! Yes, I am sure! Now, I want you to
bring him here. I pray you haste in this.
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: (confused)
What?
CLAUDIUS: NOW!

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ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: (still confused)
Okay.
(ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN run offstage and
return with HAMLET)
CLAUDIUS: (very casual) Hey, what’s up?
HAMLET: What noise, who calls on Hamlet? What do
you want?
CLAUDIUS: Now Hamlet. Where’s Polonius’ body?
HAMLET: I’m not telling!
CLAUDIUS: FINE!
ROSENCRANTZ: What have you done, my lord, with
the dead body?
GUILDENSTERN: Will you tell us?
HAMLET: (sarcastically) Suuuuuurrrrrre. It’s over
there. (pointing offstage) No, over there. (pointing
in another direction) No! Over there! (pointing to a
random place in the audience)
(this goes on a while and ROSENCRANTZ &
GUILDENSTERN are running crazily after HAMLET’S
directions all over the stage and through the audience;
HAMLET is laughing at them)

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GUILDENSTERN: Will you STOP! I’m tired.
CLAUDIUS: Where is Polonius?
HAMLET: Oh, all right. Up the stairs and into the lobby.
(points offstage; ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN go
get POLONIUS’ body and drag him on stage)
CLAUDIUS: Ewe… he’s a mess! Hamlet, I am sending you
off to England. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, take
him away!
HAMLET: Fine! Fare well, dear Mother. And I’m taking
this with me! (drags POLONIUS’ body offstage)
(ALL exit but CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) I have arranged his execution
in England! (laughs evilly as he exits) Muahahaha….

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ACT 4 SCENE 4
(enter HAMLET addresses audience – obviously very
upset)
HAMLET: I am suddenly feeling very upset! This play is
lasting really long. I need to speed this revenge thing
up! Don’t you all agree? (audience will quietly answer
yes)
HAMLET: (yelling backstage) HEY, DO YOU ALL AGREE?
(everyone answers backstage, “YES!”)
(CLAUDIUS pokes his head out)
CLAUDIUS: Ahhh, excuse me, I’m not so sure I agree….
HAMLET: (pointing sword at CLAUDIUS) Go away!
(ALL exit)

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ACT 4 SCENES 5 – 7
(enter OPHELIA and GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: Hey Ophelia, you feeling okay?
OPHELIA: (acting a little crazy) I am re ally feeling
weird right now.
(OPHELIA wandering around stage doing weird and
crazy things; enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: (staring at OPHELIA) She is acting re ally
weird. Is she okay?
GERTRUDE: Well think about it; her father just got
killed by her boyfriend, whom she just broke up with,
yet is still in love with. How would you feel?
CLAUDIUS: Oh, no wonder why she is kind of wacky.
(enter LAERTES very upset)
LAERTES: Where is this king? (noticing CLAUDIUS)
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FATHER, (noticing OPHELIA
acting crazy) and why is my sister looking so... loony?
GERTRUDE: Well, as I was telling Claudius, she’s a bit
bummed that her boyfriend killed your dad.
LAERTES: Aghhhhhhh!!! I will have REVENGE!
CLAUDIUS: Laertes, my friend, look, I will help you get
your revenge. I pray you go with me.
(GERTRUDE and OPHELIA exit; SAILOR brings a letter
to CLAUDIUS)

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SAILOR: There’s a letter for you sir. It says “Hamlet is
re turning!” (SAILOR shows letter that says, "Hamlet is
returning!"; SAILOR exits)
CLAUDIUS: Listen, Hamlet killed your father and
wants to kill you too!
LAERTES: Ohhhh, he thinks so! I will get him!
CLAUDIUS: Let’s make an evil plan!
LAERTES: Sounds gre at!
(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES laugh evilly together)
CLAUDIUS: How about you and Hamlet have a sword
fight? And Hamlet’s sword is blunt?
LAERTES: Gre at! And I will put poison on my tip to
make sure he dies!
CLAUDIUS: Gre at! And I will put poison in his drink if
none of that works!
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: GREAT!
(they high five; enter GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE: What are you t wo up to?
LAERTES & CLAUDIUS: Nothing. (laughing to each
other)
GERTRUDE: Well then, ahhh, Laertes? I have some bad
news.
LAERTES: Really? I have had enough of that, can I
have some good ne ws?

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GERTRUDE: Nope, Ophelia just drowned. (GERTRUDE
drags OPHELIA’S body on stage – head soaking wet if
possible!)
LAERTES: WHAT!? Drown’d! O, where?
GERTRUDE: Ye ah, outside…in water…sorry.
LAERTES: Alas, then, she is drown’d?
OPHELIA: (looks up at audience) Drowned!
GERTRUDE: Drown’d, drown’d.
LAERTES: I am sooooo going to get Hamle t!!!!
(LAERTES runs offstage waving his sword; ALL exit
GERTRUDE drags OPHELIA offstage)

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ACT 5 SCENE 1
(enter GRAVEDIGGERS; HAMLET and HORATIO are off
to the side watching gravediggers)
GRAVEDIGGER 1: You know, I really have to get a
better job! Digging graves is no way to make a living!
Get it? Graves – living? (starts laughing to himself)
GRAVEDIGGER 2: Ye ah. I get that your jokes are
really bad. Oh, look what I found, a skull from this
grave called Yorick .
(HAMLET jumps up and grabs skull; GRAVEDIGGERS
exit)
HAMLET: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.
HORATIO: Really? Well, I think he’s dead now.
HAMLET: When I was a kid, he was the jester, the
funniest guy I kne w.
HORATIO: Ye ah? Well, he’s still dead.
HAMLET: So full of life and now he’s…..
HORATIO: De ad.
HAMLET: Bummer.
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS)
HORATIO: Oh look! Hide! (HAMLET and HORATIO go off
to side of stage)
GERTRUDE: We must bury Ophelia.
LAERTES: (starts weeping and crying extremely loud)
I AM SOOOOO MAD AT HAMLET!!! It’s his fault my
sister and father are de ad!

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(HAMLET jumps up to confront LAERTES)
HAMLET: Laertes, I loved Ophelia, how dare you say I
killed her!
LAERTES: Aghhhhhh! (charges at HAMLET and they
start to fight)
HORATIO: Hamlet, we must leave.
(HORATIO pulls back HAMLET and exits with him as
HAMLET is still yelling at LAERTES; CLAUDIUS pulls
back LAERTES)
(ALL exit)

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ACT 5 SCENE 2
(enter HAMLET and HORATIO)
HAMLET: Horatio, did you know that Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern were taking me to England to have
me killed!
HORATIO: Really?
HAMLET: Ye ah, but I got them!
HORATIO: What did you do?
HAMLET: I tricked England into thinking that
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were to be killed.
(enter ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN)
ROSENCRANTZ: WHAT?!
GUILDENSTERN: We're dead?
HAMLET: Yep!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: (looking at
each other) Well that stinks. (both suddenly die
dramatically on stage)
(enter OSRIC stepping over bodies)
HAMLET: Osric! What brings you here?
OSRIC: The king has placed a wager that you can not
beat Laertes in a swordfight!
HAMLET: What!?! Bring it on!
HORATIO: I don’t know man, this doesn’t seem right. I
will tell him you are not fit.
HAMLET: (to OSRIC) Tell him I will fight!
(exit OSRIC)
HORATIO: Dude, I’m telling you. This is a TRAGEDY,
remember? You shouldn’t fight! You will lose, my lord.
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HAMLET: I don’t think so. The time is NOW!
(enter LAERTES, GERTRUDE, OSRIC, CLAUDIUS, and
other on-lookers)
HAMLET: So, I hear you want to fight?
LAERTES: Ye ah, you killed my father… and sister,
prepare to die!
HAMLET: Look, I really didn’t mean to kill your father.
He sneezed and freaked me out.
LAERTES: (handing sword to HAMLET) Just take your
sword and let's go.
(CLAUDIUS and LAERTES to the side)
CLAUDIUS: Is your sword poisoned?
LAERTES: Yep. Is your wine poisoned?
CLAUDIUS: You betcha!
HORATIO: (to HAMLET) Listen, this doesn’t seem
right….
CLAUDIUS: (to audience, while ALL watch him)
If Hamle t wins, we will all drink wine! (winks
at audience while holding up poisoned wine cup)
(LAERTES and HAMLET start to fight, HAMLET strikes
first)
LAERTES: Ouch! That hurt!
HAMLET: How about this! (strikes him again)
LAERTES: Hey! (strikes back and hits HAMLET)
HAMLET: Ouch!
GERTRUDE: All this fighting is making me thirsty!
(drinks poisoned wine)

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CLAUDIUS: GERTRUDE, do not drink! (to audience) It is
the poisoned cup. It is too late. Oh well.
(during fight, HAMLET and LAERTES manage to drop
and switch swords – this must be obvious to the
audience)
LAERTES: (to CLAUDIUS) He has MY SWORD!
CLAUDIUS: Well, don’t get hit!
(HAMLET strikes LAERTES again)
LAERTES: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
(GERTRUDE suddenly gets up and starts to die)
HAMLET: MOMMY!!!! Aghhhhhhh!!!!
GERTRUDE: O my dear Hamlet. The drink, the drink, I
am poison’d (dies in melodramatic fashion, ALL watch)
HAMLET: (very mad) Oh villainy! Ho, let the door be
lock’d! Treachery! Seek it out!
(LAERTES starts dying)
LAERTES: Hamlet. Listen, Claudius poisoned the wine
cup and your mom drank it. He also poisoned my
sword.
HAMLET: Oh, that’s not good.
HORATIO: I told you so!
LAERTES: Nope, we’re both going to die. The king,
the king’s to blame. I am justly killed with my own
treachery!
(LAERTES falls over dead)
CLAUDIUS: (to audience) Don’t you just hate
tattletales!

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HAMLET: CLAUDIUS!!!! (HAMLET chases CLAUDIUS
around stage and finally kills him)
HAMLET: (enter FORTINBRAS and some of his men;
HAMLET starting to die) Well this did not turn out
as I expected! I guess this was a tragedy after all!
Fortinbras, you are now the king. O, I die. The rest is
silence.
(HAMLET dies melodramatically)
FORTINBRAS: Sweet, I get to be king! (does a happy
dance) I like tragedies! What a mess! (stepping over
bodies) Oh look, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are
dead too. Let’s clean this up!
(ALL exit)

THE END

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Special Thanks
Special thanks to Debra Williamson, whose humorous
constructive criticism is, well... greatly appreciated!

Also, I have directed this version of Hamlet to well over 20

different groups and classes, and each time some kid points out
something I missed or a funnier way to say or present a line.
Throughout the years, I have incorporated these modifications
into this play. So, there is not one specific kid, but all the kids
I have to thank for being so creative in the process! THAT’S
what it’s all about! THANK YOU!!!

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Sneak Peeks at other Playing With Plays books:

The Three Musketeers for Kids............................Pg 90

Richard III for Kids..............................................Pg 92
Tre asure Island for Kids...........................................Pg 95
Henry V for Kids......................................................Pg 97
King Lear for Kids...................................................Pg 100

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Sneak peek of
The Three Muske teers
for Kids
(ATHOS and D’ARTAGNAN enter)
ATHOS: Glad you could make it. I have engaged t wo of
my friends as seconds.
D’ARTAGNAN: Seconds?
ATHOS: Ye ah, they make sure we fight fair. Oh, here
they are now!
(enter ARAMIS and PORTHOS singing, “Bad boys, bad
boys, watcha gonna do…”)
PORTHOS: Hey! I’m fighting him in an hour. I am going
to fight… because…well… I am going to fight!
ARAMIS: And I fight him at two o’clock! Ours is a
theological quarrel. (does a thinking pose)
D’ARTAGNAN: Ye ah, yeah, yeah… I’ll get to you soon!
ATHOS: We are the Three Musketeers; Athos, Porthos,
and Aramis.
D’ARTAGNAN: Whatever, Ethos, Pathos, and Logos,
let’s just finish this! (swords crossed and are about to
fight; enter JUSSAC and cardinal’s guards)
PORTHOS: The cardinal’s guards! Sheathe your
swords, gentlemen.
JUSSAC: Dueling is illegal! You are under arrest!
ARAMIS: (to ATHOS and PORTHOS) There are five of
them and we are but three.

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D’ARTAGNAN: (steps forward to join them) It appears
to me we are four! I have the spirit; my heart is that
of a Musketeer.
PORTHOS: Great! I love fighting!
(Musketeers say “Fight, fight fight!…Fight, fight, fight!”
as they are fighting; D’ARTAGNAN fights JUSSAC and
it’s the big fight; JUSSAC is wounded and exits; the 3
MUSKETEERS cheer)
ATHOS: Well done! Let’s go see Treville and the king!
ARAMIS: And we don’t have to kill you now!
PORTHOS: And let’s get some food, too! I’m hungry!
D’ARTAGNAN: (to audience) This is fun!
(ALL exit)
ACT 2 SCENE 1
(enter 3 MUSKETEERS, D’ARTAGNAN, and TREVILLE)
TREVILLE: The king wants to see you, and he’s not too
happy you killed a few of the cardinal’s guards.
(enter KING)
KING: (yelling) YOU GUYS HUMILIATED THE CARDINAL’S
GUARDS!
ATHOS: Sire, they attacked us!
KING: Oh…Well then, bravo! I hear D’Artagnan beat
the cardinal’s best swordsman! Brave young man!
Here’s some money for you. Enjoy! (hands money to
D’ARTAGNAN)
D’ARTAGNAN: Swee t!
(ALL exit)

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Sneak peek of
Richard III for Kids
ACT 1 SCENE 4
(CLARENCE is in prison, sleeping; he wakes up from a
bad dream)
CLARENCE: Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad
dre am! (pauses, notices audience and addresses them)
O, I have pass’d a miserable night! I dre amt that
Richard was trying to kill me! Hahahaha, Richard is
SUCH a good guy, he would NEVER do a thing like that!
(enter MURDERER carrying a weapon)
MURDERER: I sounded like such a pro, no one will
know it’s my first day on the job! Hehehe!
CLARENCE: Hey! Who’s there?
MURDERER: Um… um… (hides his murder weapon
behind his back)
CLARENCE: Your eyes do menace me. Are you planning
to murder me? ‘Cause that’s not a good idea. My
brother Richard is a REALLY powerful guy.
MURDERER: Ha! Richard is the one who sent me here
to do this! (a pause) Whoops…
CLARENCE: Hahaha, you foolish fellow. Richard loves
me.
MURDERER: Dude, what are you not getting? He PAID
me to do this!
CLARENCE: O, do not slander him, for he is kind.
(The MURDERER stabs CLARENCE; CLARENCE dies a
dramatic death)
CLARENCE: Kinda ruthless… (dies)

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MURDERER: (Gasps) Oh, my! He’s dead! I feel bad
now… I bet Clarence was a really nice guy. Ahhh, the
guilt! Wow, I should have stayed in clown school.
(MURDERER exits)
ACT 2 SCENE 1
(KING EDWARD is surrounded by QUEEN ELIZABETH and
BUCKINGHAM)
KING EDWARD: Well, this has been a great day at
work! Everyone’s agreed to get along!
(ELIZABETH and BUCKINGHAM shake hands with each
other to celebrate the peace; enter RICHARD; KING
EDWARD smiles happily)
KING EDWARD: If I die, I will be at peace! But I must
say I’m feeling a lot healthier after all of this peace-
making!
RICHARD: Hey! Looks like you’re all in a good mood.
That’s great, ‘cause you know I LOVE getting along! So
what’s up?
KING EDWARD: I made them like each other!
RICHARD: How lovely! I like you all now, too! Group
hug? (everyone shakes their head) No? (he grins
sweetly)
ELIZABETH: Wonderful! Once Clarence gets back
from the Tower, everything will be perfect!
RICHARD: WHAT??? We make peace and then you
insult us like this? That’s no way to talk about a DEAD
man!!
(EVERYONE gasps)
KING EDWARD: Is Clarence dead? I told them to cancel
the execution!

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RICHARD: Oh, ye ah… guess that was too late! (winks
to audience)
KING EDWARD: Nooooooo!!!! Oh my poor brother! Now
I feel more sick than EVER! Oh, poor Clarence!
(All exit except RICHARD and BUCKINGHAM)
RICHARD: Well, that sure worked as planned!
BUCKINGHAM: Great job, partner!
(both exit, laughing evilly)

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Sneak peek of
Tre asure Island
for Kids
(enter JIM, TRELAWNEY, and DOCTOR; enter CAPTAIN
SMOLLETT from the other side of the stage)
TRELAWNEY: Hello Captain. Are we all shipshape and
seaworthy?
CAPTAIN: Trelawney, I don’t know what you’re
thinking, but I don’t like this cruise; and I don’t like the
men.
TRELAWNEY: (very angry) Perhaps you don’t like the
ship?
CAPTAIN: Nope, I said it short and sweet.
DOCTOR: What? Why?
CAPTAIN: Because I heard we are going on a treasure
hunt and the coordinates of the island are: (whispers
to DOCTOR)
DOCTOR: Wow! That’s exactly right!
CAPTAIN: There’s been too much blabbing already.
DOCTOR: Right! But, I doubt ANYTHING will go wrong!
CAPTAIN: Fine. Let’s sail!
(ALL exit)
Act 2 Scene 3
(enter JIM, SILVER, and various other pirates)
SILVER: Ay, ay, mates. You know the song: Fifteen
men on the dead man’s chest.
ALL PIRATES: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
(PIRATES slowly exit)
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JIM: (to the audience) So, the Hispaniola had begun
her voyage to the Isle of Treasure. As for Long John,
well, he still is the nicest cook…
SILVER: Do you want a sandwich?
JIM: That would be great, thanks Long John! (SILVER
exits; JIM addresses audience) As you can see, Long
John is a swell guy! Until…
(JIM hides in the corner)
Act 2 Scene 4
(enter SILVER and OTHER PIRATES)
JIM: (to audience) I overheard Long John talking to
the rest of the pirates.
SILVER: Listen here you, Scallywags! I was with
Captain Flint when he hid this treasure. And those
cowards have the map. Follow my directions, and no
killing, yet. Clear?
DICK: Clear.
SILVER: But, when we do kill them, I claim Trelawney.
And remember, dead men don’t bite.
GEORGE: Ay, ay, Long John!
(ALL exit but JIM)
JIM: (to audience) Oh no! Long John Silver IS the one-
legged man that Billy Bones warned me about! I have
to tell the others!
(JIM runs offstage)

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Sneak peek of
Henry V for Kids
ACT 2 SCENE 2
(enter BEDFORD and EXETER, observing CAMBRIDGE
and SCROOP, who whisper among themselves)
BEDFORD: Hey Exeter, do you think it’s a good idea
that King Henry is letting those conspirators wander
around freely?
EXETER: It’s alright, Bedford. King Henry has a plan!
He knows EVERYTHING they are plotting. BUT, they
don’t KNOW he knows. And HE knows that they don’t
know he knows…and…
BEDFORD: (interrupting) Okay, okay, I get it. Let’s
go sit in the audience and watch! (they sit in the
audience; enter HENRY)
HENRY: Greetings, my good and FAITHFUL
friends, Cambridge and Scroop. Perfect timing! I
need your advice on something.
CAMBRIDGE: Sure thing. You know we’d do anything
for you! Never was a monarch better feared and
loved.
SCROOP: That’s why we’re going to kick some French
butt!! (SCROOP and CAMBRIDGE high-five)
HENRY: Excellent! A man was arrested yesterday for
shouting nasty things about me. But I’m sure by now
he’s thought better of it. I think I ought to show mercy
and pardon him.

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SCROOP: Nah, let him be punished.
HENRY: Ahhh, but let us yet be merciful.
CAMBRIDGE: Nah, I’m with Scroop! Off with his
head!
HENRY: Is that your final answer?
CAMBRIDGE & SCROOP: YES!
HENRY: Ok, but if we don’t show mercy for small
offenses, how will we show mercy for big ones? I will
release him. Now, take a look at THESE LETTERS.
(as CAMBRIDGE and SCROOP read the letters, their
jaws drop)
HENRY: Why, how now, gentlemen? What see you in
those papers that your jaws hang so low?
EXETER: (to audience) The letters betray their guilt!
CAMBRIDGE: I do confess my fault…
SCROOP:…and do submit me to your Highness’ mercy!
(they start begging and pleading on the ground)
HENRY: Exeter, Bedford, arrest these traitors. What
did they say… Oh yeah, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
CAMBRIDGE: Whoa there!
SCROOP: Off with our what? What happened to the
whole “mercy” thing you were just talking about!?
HENRY: Your own words talked me out of it! Take
them away!
CAMBRIDGE: Well, this stinks!
(EXETER and BEDFORD arrest CAMBRIDGE and
SCROOP; ALL exit, except HENRY)

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HENRY: Being king is no fun sometimes. Scroop used
to be one of my best friends. (SCROOP runs on stage
and dies melodramatically) But there’s no time to
mope! (CAMBRIDGE runs on stage and dies on top
of SCROOP) The signs of war advance. No king of
England, if not King of France! NOW CLEAN UP THIS
MESS!
(EXETER and BEDFORD run on stage and drag bodies
off; exit HENRY)

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Sneak peek of
King Lear for Kids
ACT 1 SCENE 1
KING LEAR’s palace
(enter FOOL entertaining the audience with jokes,
dancing, juggling, Hula Hooping… whatever the actor’s
skill may be; enter KENT)
KENT: Hey, Fool!
FOOL: What did you call me?!
KENT: I called you Fool.
FOOL: That’s my name, don’t wear it out! (to audience)
Seriously, that’s my name in the play!
(enter LEAR, CORNWALL, ALBANY, GONERIL, REGAN,
and CORDELIA)
LEAR: The lords of France and Burgundy are outside.
They both want to marry you, Cordelia.
ALL: Ooooooo!
LEAR: (to audience) Between you and me she IS my
favorite child! (to the girls) Daughters, I need to talk to
you about something. It’s a really big deal.
GONERIL & REGAN: Did you buy us presents?
LEAR: This is even better than presents!
GONERIL & REGAN: Goody, goody!!!
CORDELIA: Father, your love is enough for me.
LEAR: Give me the map there, Kent. Girls, I’m tired.
I’ve made a decision: Know that we - and by ‘we’ I
mean ‘me’ - have divided in three our kingdom…

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KENT: Whoa! Sir, dividing the kingdom may cause
chaos! People could die!
FOOL: Well, this IS a tragedy…
LEAR: You worry too much, Kent. I’m giving it to
my daughters so their husbands can be rich and
powerful… like me!
CORNWALL & ALBANY: Swee t!
GONERIL & REGAN: Wait… what?
CORDELIA: This is olden times. That means that
everything we own belongs to our husbands.
GONERIL & REGAN: Olden times stink!
CORDELIA: Truth.
LEAR: So, my daughters, tell your daddy how much you
love him. Goneril, our eldest-born, speak first.
GONERIL: Sir, I love you more than words can say!
More than outer space, puppies and cotton candy! I
love you more than any child has ever loved a father
in the history of the entire world, de arest Pops!
CORDELIA: (to audience) Holy moly! Surely, he won’t be
fooled by that. (to self) Love, and be silent.
LEAR: Thanks, sweetie! I’m giving you this big chunk
of the kingdom here. What says our second daughter,
Our dearest Regan, wife to Cornwall? Speak.
REGAN: What she said, Daddy… times a thousand!
CORDELIA: (to audience) What?! I love my father
more than either of them. But I can’t express it in
words. My love’s more richer than my tongue.
LEAR: Wow, Regan! You get this big hunk of the
kingdom. Cordelia, what can you tell me to get this
giant piece of kingdom as your own? Speak.
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CORDELIA: Nothing, my lord.
LEAR: Nothing?!?
CORDELIA: Nothing.
LEAR: Come on, now. Nothing will come of nothing.
CORDELIA: I love you as a daughter loves her father.
LEAR: Try a little, harder, swee tie!
CORDELIA: Why are my sisters married if they give
you all their love?
LEAR: How did you get so me an?
CORDELIA: Father, I will not insult you by telling you
my love is like… as big as a whale.
LEAR: (getting mad) Fine. I’ll split your share between
your sisters.
REGAN, GONERIL, & CORNWALL: Yessss!
KENT: Whoa! Let’s all just calm down a minute!
LEAR: Peace, Kent! You don’t want to mess with me
right now. I told you she was my favorite…
GONERIL & REGAN: What!?
LEAR: …and she can’t even tell me she loves me more
than a whale? Nope. Now I’m mad.
KENT: Royal Lear, re ally…
LEAR: Kent, I’m pretty emotional right now! You
better not try to talk me out of this…
KENT: Sir, you’re acting … insane.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

BRENDAN P. KELSO, came to writing modified

Shakespeare scripts when he was taking time off
from work to be at home with his newly born son. “It
just grew from there”. Within months, he was being
asked to offer classes in various locations and acting
organizations along the Central Coast of California.
Originally employed as an engineer, Brendan
never thought about writing. However, his unique
personality, humor, and love for engaging the kids
with The Bard has led him to leave the engineering
world and pursue writing as a new adventure in life!
He has always believed, “the best way to learn is to
have fun!” Brendan makes his home on the Central
Coast of California and loves to spend time with his
wife and kids.

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CAST AUTOGRAPHS

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