How to Heal Your Attachment

Style and Become Secure

Table of Contents
What are the four attachment styles? ........................................................................................ 2
What causes insecure attachment styles?................................................................................. 3
What are the Core Wounds? ..................................................................................................... 4
Anxious Preoccupied.............................................................................................................. 4
Dismissive Avoidant ............................................................................................................... 5
Fearful Avoidant ..................................................................................................................... 6
How to Heal ............................................................................................................................... 7
Journaling Exercise ............................................................................................................. 8
Talk to your inner child ........................................................................................................... 9
Emotion Chart ...................................................................................................................... 10
Tips specific to the Dismissive Avoidant ............................................................................... 11
Tips specific to the Anxious Preoccupied ............................................................................. 13
Tips specific to the Fearful Avoidant..................................................................................... 15
Final Thoughts ......................................................................................................................... 16

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 What are the four attachment styles?
Before you can learn to heal you have to figure out which attachment style you are! See which qualities
below you most resonate with. There are also online quizzes to help you figure it out.

Secure
• Capable of sending and receiving healthy expressions of intimacy
• Enjoys alone time and partner time
• Has a positive view of relationships
• Healthy interdependence
• Relationships mostly feel like Zen, peace, and harmony

Anxious Preoccupied
• Clingy or needy
• Jealous or possessive
• Needs frequent validation, and can text frequently to remind you that they exist
• Worried that they're not really loved
• Codependent
• Feel like others are responsible for their emotions and they're responsible for others emotions
• Can have a love addiction

Dismissive Avoidant
• Hyper independent
• Avoids vulnerability
• May be slow to text back or make plans
• Easily suffocated
• Fears commitment
• Relationships are a low priority
• May feel like it's an admirable quality to not want a relationship
• Only focus on their needs and not their wants
• Has blunted emotions
• Tend to focus more on their career (partially because money will never hurt them, partially because
they think if they're ambitious they'll get the love and recognition they deep down long for, and feel
worthy)

Fearful Avoidant - Swings back and forth between dismissive and anxious
• Wants closeness but is scared
• Cycles between pushing people away and then pulling them close
• Constantly expects the worst in relationships
• Common in those with or raised by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
• Can often be sexually promiscuous (but in some cases avoids sex altogether)
• Hyper vigilant on picking up queues from others/can seem to “mind read”
• In a relationship they tend to act like the opposite of the other person's attachment style

There is no firm cutoff between Secure and Insecure, as there’s almost no one in existence who is
100% Secure. And there is also no firm cutoff between Fearful Avoidant and being squarely Anxious or
Dismissive. Most people who are Fearful Avoidant lean towards one of the other attachments.

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 What causes insecure attachment styles?

Our attachment styles are mostly formed from how our parents or
caregivers raised us. Humans are like computers that run on
subconscious programming that forms mostly between the ages of 0-7. You're not broken or
However, this programming can change through major life events and damaged if you have an
impactful relationships. Traumatic events cause our attachment to be insecure attachment
insecure, but trauma doesn't always have to be obvious abuse or style, and it doesn't
neglect! Small things like being made fun of, getting lost at the store, make you bad, or
parents not showing up when you cry, fighting parents, an alcoholic unworthy of love! It's a
parent, parents divorcing, or staying together despite not being in love,
very common thing,
parents working a lot, you having to take care of your siblings, parents
not making eye contact, not validating your emotions, or you simply don't and part of the human
feel close them, etc. These traumas cause core wounds to be stored in condition. But it's not
your subconscious. These are limiting beliefs that you are probably not the healthiest version of
even consciously be aware of. To heal, you must reprogram these core you that you can be.
wounds.

Anxious Preoccupied attachment is caused by:

Your caregivers inconsistently showing up. Sometimes they’re there for you, sometimes
they’re not. Maybe one parent is warm and the other is cold. Or your parents are both warm
but they worked too much. Clinging on to them tended to help get your needs met. It can also
be caused by parents who relied on their children to meet their emotional needs, so the child
feels like they're taking care of the parent. As an adult, being in a relationship with someone
who is Dismissive Avoidant can make you become more Anxious Preoccupied.
Dismissive Avoidant attachment is caused by:
Your caregivers emotionally neglecting you. This can be cold caregivers who didn't validate
emotions, or would try to shut down your emotions. Men are often told that only babies/girls
cry. Or anytime you’d try to talk about your emotions your parents didn’t know how to respond.
In the most extreme cases this can be caused by actual physical abandonment. This makes
the Dismissive detach and only try to meet their needs by themselves, so they won’t ever be
let down by others. The Dismissive is the least likely to want to change this about themselves
because it feels unsafe, and they’ve built their whole personality around being hyper-
independent.
Fearful Avoidant attachment is caused by:
Having hot and cold caregivers, or having very high unpredictability in the home such as
having a chaotic or unsafe household. Fearful Avoidants can have a lot of fear towards their
caregiver. This is common in people raised by someone with borderline personality disorder, or
other severe mental health disorders. Sometimes when an Anxious Preoccupied person
experiences a severely traumatic heartbreak as an adult they can become Fearful Avoidant.

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 What are the Core Wounds?
Anxious Preoccupied

Associated
Core Wounds Explanation
Emotions

If your emotions aren't attended to you feel like you're

I will be abandoned being abandoned, because your emotions are a part of Panic, fear,
and that will make you. It's scary and hurts when someone isn't available numbness,
me unsafe for you. In a relationship you may act needy, or call/text emptiness
a lot as a trauma response to this wound.

Sadness,
Because you learned to sooth through caregivers
I am not good loneliness,
growing up, it feels like rejection if they aren’t available.
enough and will be despair,
You become dependent on others, and derive your
rejected stinging and
sense of self through relationships.
burning pain

Loneliness,
This is similar to the abandonment wound, but this is
Hopelessness,
I am alone more of a heavy, depressed feeling, while
sadness,
abandonment is a panicked, fearful feeling.
depression

Because your identity is tied to external factors

Jealousy,
I am disliked and (friendships, relationships, hobbies, etc.) as soon as
sadness, fear,
excluded, I don't one goes away you feel insecure. If someone doesn't
stinging and
belong text you back or invite you somewhere it makes you
burning pain
think they don't care or love you.

This makes you neglect your own needs and become

I don't matter, I am Sadness,
a people-pleaser. You will bend over backwards for
unseen, unheard, smallness,
someone else while neglecting your own desires.
and misunderstood. aloneness

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 Dismissive Avoidant
These wounds are deeper in the subconscious than the Anxious or Fearful, so they are harder to
become cognizant of. Dismissive Avoidants tend to be emotionally blunted, so you won’t feel the
associated emotions as much. However, if you look into your behaviors you'll see they stem from these
wounds. The Dismissive is the least likely to want to heal because it triggers the core wound of “I am
defective”

Associated
Core Wound Explanation Resulting Behaviors
Emotions

I will be You cope with this wound by

It is assumed this will happen in Existential
abandoned and I keeping yourself alone, because
the long-term. loneliness
am alone you find safety and comfort in it.

You don't feel like you can rest,

Because the emotional neglect
and are on constant alert (fight or
makes you feel unloved, you don't
flight). Panic, fear,
feel like you can trust your parents.
I am unsafe You can become overly attached agitation,
You feel like your parents could leave
to material things like money or irritation
at any time and then you won’t be
food, or to animals because they
physically taken care of any longer.
are more loyal.
Children personalize everything,
because your parents don’t have a In relationships you think “if I let
Shame and
I am defective strong emotional bond with you, you you get too close you'll see that
sadness
feel like something is personally I'm defective”, so you withdraw.
wrong with you.
Frustration,
Forming an attachment with others
You don’t reach out to your irritation,
I am trapped, makes you feel like you’re giving your
partner often. It feels like constant
stuck, and power away, because now you feel
something is physically stopping screaming in
powerless like your emotions lie in the hands of
you from taking that action. your head,
someone else.
anxiety, fear
You feel connected to the world
Judgmental and
by learning about it, and through
When you make a mistake you would critical of
I am stupid logic, rather than feeling. You
be judged harshly for it. yourself and
over compensate by educating
others
yourself to the extreme.
You’re hesitant to bring up
I am Your caregivers didn’t see your
emotions because it has been
misunderstood, emotional needs. You don’t Sadness, fear,
repressed in childhood with the
don't matter, am communicate your needs because it disconnection,
feeling of rejection, so talking
unseen, and feels too vulnerable, which aloneness.
about them retriggers that
unheard perpetuates this wound.
feeling.

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 Fearful Avoidant
The Fearful Avoidant shares the same wounds as the Anxious and Dismissive, but has some unique
expressions of them, as well as their own unique wounds. Read the core wounds above to understand
all of the ones you may have.

Associated
Core Wounds Explanation
Emotions

Anger,
I will be This stems from an issue of not trusting others due to resentment,
betrayed inconsistency from your caregivers growing up. frustration,
stinging pain

You think you can't make any mistakes or it will set your
parent off, causing chaos. This is because making a mistake
Shame,
I am bad or caused too big of a reaction in your parents. Now when you
rumination,
defective do something you deem as bad you withdraw and criticize
panic
yourself. This can make you walk on eggshells around
others, and people please.

This is similar to the “I am bad” wound, but this has more guilt
I am not good
involved while the other has more shame. You will try to
enough or am Guilt
overcompensate and take on responsibilities that you don't
unworthy
need to, thus overburdening yourself.

This wound is deeply unconscious. You may not think you

I will be Volatile anger,
have this issue, but if you're emotionally attacked you'll hyper
attacked or am strong reactions
defend yourself because in childhood you felt no one would
unsafe to small things
defend you.

You feel like your existence is a burden on others, like you Guilt,
I am a burden
shouldn't have been born. depression

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 How to Heal
You can work on healing while single or in a relationship, there’s a time and place for both. For
example if you are Anxiously attached and bounce around from relationship to relationship,
you may want to take time on your own to learn to self-soothe. But the bulk of healing can be
done while dating. You don't have to be healed to be in a relationship, because relationships
cause the necessary triggers that are needed to bring you to healing.

Coping
You shouldn't be
The extent of what many bad therapists teach is how to cope with your
attachment, but not how to heal from it. There is value in learning how to cope ashamed or upset
while you are in the healing process, but you don't want to just cope for the rest when you get
of your life! What you really want to do is rewire or reprogram your brain so you triggered or express
won't feel triggered again. But first, let’s start here. unhealthy
behavior. It is to
Communicate. Now that you're aware of the core wounds, when you get be expected when
triggered you may feel tempted to just push the feelings away because they're
unhealthy. Don’t do this! Suppressing the feelings only pushes them further you have an
down into your subconscious and will make the problem worse down the road. insecure
Put words to your emotions and let your partner know how you're feeling in that attachment style.
moment. It's not a reflection
of your character,
Example #1 – An Anxious partner asks their Dismissive partner to spend more
it's just a reflection
time together after not seeing them for a week. Both partners feel triggered; the
Anxious one feels like they're being abandoned, like they're not actually loved, of your past
and feel desperate for validation, while the Dismissive partner feels suffocated, experiences and the
like their freedom is being threatened, and that makes them feel unsafe. imprints they left
on your mind.
The Anxious partner may say “I haven’t seen you all week and it makes me feel
like you don’t actually enjoy spending time with me, I feel very unloved.”
And the Dismissive partner may reply "I truly do love/care about you, but I'm feeling really
suffocated right now. I need to take some space, but when I'm not feeling overwhelmed
anymore I'll text you to make plans", rather than just disappearing.
Example #2 – An Anxious attachment’s partner goes out with their friends without inviting
them, and it made them feel excluded. The Anxious person recognizes that it’s not realistic to
be invited out with their partner’s friends all the time, but still feels a lot of pain.

They may say "It made me feel really unloved that you went out with your friends without me. I
recognize that this stems from an unhealthy place and it's not your responsibility to always
invite me, or to make me feel alright, but I just wanted to open up to you that it's really hard for
me."
And their partner may reply “I’m sorry it made you feel that way. Know that I always love you,
but I also need time to myself. Next time I’ll text you at the end of the night to let you know that
I’m thinking of you.”

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 Journaling exercise
Now for the part you’ve been waiting for! Journaling exercises are necessary
to reprogram your subconscious so you won’t ever be triggered again.
Schedule some time in your daily or weekly routine to go over an event that Triggers are your
triggered you earlier. friends! They show
you what’s
Reprogramming Exercise unresolved so you
Grab your journal and write down the following: can heal and never
be triggered again.
1. What scenario or situation triggered you? Write out what happened
and how it made you feel.

2. Let yourself feel the emotion. Sit and let yourself really feel. Identify and name the
emotions, and write them down. Use the emotion chart on Page 10 if you need help
naming them. However, don’t label the emotion as good or bad. Your emotions are part
of you, and you are not bad! They simply exist, allow them to be heard. You must feel
in order to heal.
3. Find the meaning you're giving to the situation. Why is this causing you painful
emotions? You may be thinking, "They don't care about me, they're just using me, I'm
not attractive enough, I'm not smart enough, I’ll never find someone who truly cares"
etc. Sometimes these thoughts and limiting beliefs pass by so quickly that you don't
even realize you have them. But if you take a moment and consciously process what
you're going through and write them down, you can name the limiting beliefs.
4. Rewire your belief. Question the validity of those beliefs, so you can then consciously
tell yourself the truth. Find an emotionally tied memory that opposes that feeling. Think
of examples about how people do care about you, how you are attractive enough, etc.
The subconscious is programmed through emotion and repetition, so make sure
to really remember and feel the emotions that are tied to the memory, as well as write it
down.
5. Meet your need. If it's an Anxious wound that’s triggered, look for ways you can meet
the need yourself. Tell yourself even if this person doesn't like you, you like you! You
think you're pretty. You think you're fun. You're always here for you. And if it's a
Dismissive wound that’s triggered, look for ways you can reach out to others and
express your vulnerability. Tell yourself that you will be safe. It may feel silly, but write
these things down.

There are other journaling exercises in the tips for each specific attachment below. Over time
you won't need to journal as much as you'll start to catch these patterns in real time and calm
yourself down in a few seconds. Soon you won’t ever be triggered at all!

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 Talk to your inner child
This is a great process to do during the Reprogramming Exercise. Put your hand on your heart
and talk to yourself as if you were another person, as if you were talking to a child and you are
their loving parent. Don't try to push your emotions away or label them as bad. Validate that
your inner child feels this way, and hold space for yourself. Observe your emotions from an
outside perspective, as if you are another being. A being of pure love and Zen, encompassing
and holding the emotion. Tell yourself out loud if you can, or in your head, that everything is
going to be alright. You are loved, you are safe, and any affirmations that oppose your limiting
beliefs.
Affirmations
The subconscious is reprogrammed through repetition and emotion. Affirmations are
positive statements that you repeat throughout your day, and throughout the rest of your life!
They oppose limiting beliefs by telling yourself loving statements about how worthy you are, or
the things you will be able to achieve in life. The trick is to keep them positive, so instead of
saying "I'm not a Burden", say "everyone loves my presence, no matter the situation". The
more you feel the emotion behind it, the better. You can write them down as you journal, say
them out loud to yourself, or listen to YouTube videos of affirmations throughout the day.

Meditation
Meditation is an essential part of healing your mind. There are many different types of
meditations and uses for them. If you don’t already, follow any basic guided meditation you can
find for free on YouTube for 5-20 minutes a day. This will train you to have control
over your thoughts. The purpose isn’t to think zero thoughts, but rather anytime you
You are not your
observe a thought, you let it pass by instead of following it down a rabbit hole. It’s
mind, and thus
like working out a muscle, it’s hard at first but becomes easy over time. Eventually
you are not your
you will recognize that you are not your mind, but you are the consciousness of your
programming.
mind. As you get more skilled, meditation is useful for when you need to find an
early memory. Ask yourself why you feel a certain way, and then clear your mind You are the
without trying to search for the answer. It will come to you out of nowhere. awareness of your
mind.
EFT and Hypnosis
These are ways of accessing your brain in different states. Hypnosis is a state of meditation
where your brain enters theta and delta waves, which is where subconscious reprogramming
happens. There are free hypnotherapy videos on YouTube which guide you into a state of
hypnosis, and then reprogram early memories or program in more positive ways of thinking.
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as Tapping, is a practice where you tap on
acupressure points of the body that stimulate the amygdala in the brain, while saying
therapeutic phrases that combat negative memories or limiting beliefs. The amygdala
stimulates the fight or flight response, so this practice helps reprogram your mind to no longer
associate those memories or beliefs with stress or fear. Sounds crazy but it works wonders!

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 Emotion Chart
If you’re not in tune with your emotions it can be helpful to use this emotion chart to help you
label exactly how you’re feeling.

Emotion Chart credit: Geoffrey Roberts https://imgur.com/gallery/tCWChf6

For an accessible version of the emotion chart click this link.

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 Tips specific to the Dismissive Avoidant:
The Dismissive Avoidant is the least likely to want to heal. This stems from the “I am defective”
core wound. Subconsciously you think that because you have an insecure attachment style
something is inherently wrong with you, so you deactivate.

If you want to want to heal, here’s how to motivate yourself:

The brain is wired to avoid pain more than seek pleasure, so write a cost list of not wanting a
romantic relationship. Then you'll see that there's more pain in avoiding doing this work.
Here are some examples:

• Having the associated traumas/core wounds stored in your subconscious can affect
more than just how you show up in relationships, it can also affect your physical health
over time! This is because it makes you stay in fight or flight all the time. (You won’t
recognize that you’re constantly on alert because you’ve lived your entire life this way. I made a YouTube
video about what is the subconscious mind and how trauma affects our physical health.)

• You won’t have a life partner to support you during tough times. (Yes you’re great at supporting
yourself, but life is a lot easier and less stressful being able to lean on someone.)

• You won’t grow as much as you can. Navigating relationships helps you grow and
evolve as a person. (Probably more than any other aspect of life.)

• These core wounds will get worse over time and you'll become a bitter grumpy old
person. (Ever wonder why old people can become so mean?)

• Studies show our happiness is determined by the quality of our relationships. Life is
mediocre without close bonds. (There’s a reason why couples who are genuinely in love look so happy.)

• Relationships are a pillar of life, and it’s not healthy to cut off one area of your life. (You
will become a fuller, more balanced human. You came to Earth to experience this. )

• You will never experience the feeling of deep love, which is the greatest feeling in the
world. (It’s hard to conceptualize of this when you’ve never felt it, but this isn’t an exaggeration.)

• Sex is 10,000 times better when you're deeply in love! You’ll never experience the most
mind-blowing orgasms you can have. (I’ve done my own scientific studies to confirm this ;) But don’t
trust me, ask your secure friends. )

In your journal write down the examples that resonate with you, and then add some more of
your own. If you think of any “but” statements, they’re limiting beliefs which you can reprogram.

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Once you're motivated to heal:

You must get in tune with your emotions. This attachment makes you live your entire life in a
low state of dissociation. You feel emotions, but they’re not as deep as any of
the other attachment types.
Love isn’t an
• Ask yourself what you feel, and where do you feel the emotions
emotion, it’s a
physically in your body.
• Set an alarm on your phone to check in for a minute every couple hours state of being.
or so
• Journal morning and/or night about what emotions you experienced that
day.
• Wim Hof breathing exercises help shake up your emotions to the surface, because they
are stored physically in the body.

Validate your own needs.

• Tell yourself affirmations about how are you are good enough, which is one of the
biggest core wounds you need to heal.

Remove your limiting beliefs.

• Make a list of all the painful beliefs you have about yourself and relationships.
• Write out examples of how they're not true in every case.
• Find an example of a couple that’s inspirational. If they can have true love, why can’t
you? You can manifest your own reality.

Reflect on how you show up versus how others show up in relationships.

• When others tell you this it can be perceived as criticism and you shut down, so you
must reflect on this yourself.
• See what actions you normally take when you're triggered, like cutting people out, and
try to do the opposite. Send a text back saying how you feel, ask for support, or ask for
understanding. Communicate your desire for empathy and what it feels like to be you in
this situation.
• Practice giving affection. Focus on how good it makes you and the other person feel.

Practice being vulnerable.

• You need exposure therapy for this. Slowly stretch your comfort zone and break down
your barriers over time.
• Start by sharing a feeling with a friend or a family member, then share a story behind
the feeling. Then talk about your needs with a friend. Relationships will be the next easy
step, and your friendships will get deeper as well.

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You want to go through each of the core wounds on page 5 and reprogram them. Here’s
an example of what to do with the “I am unseen/unheard” wound:

Look for ways that you are seen or heard. Find an example of 1 or 2 people in your life. If it's
possible that they do, then why isn't it possible that others can?
• You may just need to be more vulnerable with others.

Rewire your brain to know that it's possible to be seen and heard.
• To do so you need to see and hear your own feelings first. Be able to label them, and
then share them with the world around you.

Anytime someone triggers you, it'll reactivate this core wound. You will push people away
because they don't get you, but you're really just further implanting this wound deeper into
yourself, rather than communicating what's going on. As you get older this will keep carving
deeper and deeper into your subconscious
• Instead let the trigger be the poking finger hitting a bruise saying hey, you still have this
wound here! And then take steps to reprogram your brain to heal so you'll never be
triggered again.

Healing this wound will actually help you manifest more people in your life who really do see
you!

Tips specific to the Anxious Preoccupied:

The Anxious Preoccupied is the most likely to want to heal. This is because they can be so
desperate for love, they’ll do anything to get it. This attachment can unintentionally drive
people away, so becoming secure is necessary to manifest the type of relationship you want.

The most important thing you need to do is build your relationship with yourself.
• This means build your self-identity, strengthen your boundaries, and meet your own
needs.
• All day you may think about other people, things, and experiences outside of yourself.
This is emotional abandonment of yourself!
• The same way if there’s one day where you need emotional support, but the only
person available is someone you hate, you’ll think, “Heck no I don't want to get my
needs met through them!” That's how you've been treating yourself. You need to break
down that barrier and fix the relationship with yourself, because you've been casting
yourself aside your whole life.

Focus on yourself
• When you do activities alone, practice mindfulness and really being with yourself. Don’t
scroll through social media, and don’t think about anyone else.
• I admit this is easier said than done. Especially when you fall into a state of limerence
over someone else. Meditating daily helps strengthen this ability, as well as recognizing

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 that you are not your thoughts, you are the observer of your thoughts. Anytime a
thought of someone else comes up, notice it and then bring the attention back to
yourself. This will take practice, but it’s possible! It’s like building a muscle.
• You are the star of your own movie, not a side character. Start acting like it!

Notice your internal dialogue

• You may think "I should be more like x, y, z". Shift your thoughts to
appreciating who you are already.
Clearing the core
Affirmations
• Every time you feel triggered remind yourself that you'll survive, and wounds out of your
that your basic needs will always be met by yourself. subconscious raises
your overall
Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world
vibration, allowing
• The more you emotionally abandon yourself by not meeting your own
needs, the more others will too. The more you put your energy and you to manifest
focus on yourself, you’ll notice others start to put their energy towards easier!
you too.

Analyze your wants versus your needs.

Write out where you have a balanced need versus where you feel desperate. A desperate
need will feel like you can't live without it, or are addicted to it. A healthy need will feel like
when you desire something non-addictive, like on a beautiful day when you want to go for a
walk in the sun.
1. Make a list of your romantic needs.

2. Ask yourself what these needs are communicating to you about the needs you have
with the relationship with yourself? For example, if you want to feel heard by others, are
you truly hearing yourself?

3. Make strategies to meet these needs. Romance shouldn’t be your only source to get
your needs met. When it comes from other people it should feel balanced, nice, and
healthy. But if it’s taken away from you, it's not going to ruin you.

4. Show up for your own feelings.

Life is about finding balance and this is no exception. It will take practice, so this is more of a
lifestyle change, a practice you regularly keep up. You may not need it that often over time, but
you can always come back to it as a tool when life feels out of balance.

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 Tips specific to the Fearful Avoidant:
The fearful avoidant attachment can tend to have the most volatile emotions. You may
experience extreme anger when you get triggered. This is caused by the core wound of feeling
unseen, unheard, and powerless. Anger addresses all of these at once! However, it is caused
by not setting proper boundaries. You are not hearing or seeing yourself, because you aren’t
fully connected to your own needs, and so they’re being repressed and unacknowledged. Over
time enough things build up so you blow up and don't understand why others aren't meeting
your needs. You need to take time to figure out your needs, so you can communicate them to
others in real time, and not let others walk all over you! See the exercise “Analyze your wants
versus your needs” in the Anxious attachment tips.

The most important wound to heal is not trusting others.

Coping with trust wounds:

1. Define the areas you don't trust. Trust is broad, so you have to get specific about what
areas you do or do not trust others. Write this down in your journal.
2. Manage your expectations. Fearful Avoidants tend to catastrophize. Because
you hypervigilantly pick up on cues from others, you may give meaning to something
that isn't true. For example, if your partner checks out someone else who’s attractive,
you may feel you could never trust them to be faithful. However, this is an
unreasonable expectation which is perpetuated through unrealistic romance
stories. Write down and analyze what are healthy expectations to have.
3. Speak up. Communicate to your partner that something they did made you feel insecure
or that you're having difficulties trusting them. Express a need rather than project an
expectation. For example, instead of saying "don't look at other women" say "I need
to receive quality time from you to feel desired"
4. Isolate the experience. When your partner breaks a minor trust issue, don't let yourself
believe it's bigger than it really is, or that it will happen all the time. Remind yourself that
it happened one time, and after communicating it shouldn’t happen again.

Healing the original wound:

1. Find the early memory(ies) this wound is tied to. Minor trust violations that cause big
reactions are caused by a memory from our caregivers or previous relationship.
2. Find the meaning you give those memories. If your parent constantly told you they’d do
one thing but instead did another, did you make it mean that they didn’t love you?
3. Reprogram. Tell yourself that just because the people in those memories didn’t show up
for you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t loveable. They were doing the best they could with
their own set of programs. And then reprogram your mind to recognize that not all
relationships are like that. New relationships can exist with healthy people who have
integrity! Look for evidence that those exist, and tell yourself new stories.

The Healing Fairee

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 Final Thoughts
You’ve learned a lot about how to communicate with others, but you shouldn’t ever expect an
outcome when you communicate a need to someone else. Do it because you believe in your
worth and are trying to reprogram that. This may take bravery, but allow yourself to be worthy
by taking action just for yourself!

If there's someone in your life who still doesn't get it after communicating, ask yourself: Do you
need to be seen and heard by this person? Or can you focus on relationships with other
people who are willing to see and hear you? Know that if that specific person refuses to
cooperate, it isn't because of you. It's because of their own subconscious programming that
they see the world through. They're going through life unconsciously, like an NPC, just reacting
to its programming and refusing to change. You need to shift your energy towards people who
are more conscious. They do exist, and once you reprogram yourself to be more secure, you
can manifest new people into your life who want to harbor healthy relationships with you!

You may be wondering how long it’ll take to become securely attached? But as I’m sure you
can guess, there is no concrete answer. It depends on where you’re starting, and how much
work you put into healing. But know that you didn’t develop these wounds overnight, and so
you won’t heal overnight. This is more of a lifestyle change than a onetime process. You
should start seeing dramatic improvements right away as you implement this work, but it may
take months before you can consider yourself securely attached.

I applaud you for getting through this entire healing guide, and for taking the first steps to find
inner peace and improve your life in ways greater than you could ever imagine. When you heal
yourself, you shine a light in the world and others will be inspired to do the same. And
remember, you’re worthy of the greatest love in the universe!

You are not your programming.

You are the awareness of your
programming. The same way
someone with a broken arm has a
wound, but they're still a perfect
beautiful soul the way they are.
You are perfect the way you are!
Yet perfect doesn't mean you can't
also strive to heal and grow.

The Healing Fairee

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