HOW TO READ PEOPLE LIKE A

BOOK

SPEED-READ, ANALYZE, AND UNDERSTAND

ANYONE'S BODY LANGUAGE, EMOTIONS, AND
THOUGHTS
CHASE HILL
Copyright © 2023 by Chase Hill
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 CONTENTS

Your Free Say No Checklist

Introduction

Chapter One: The Art of Reading Other People

Chapter Two: Ready, Set, Read
Chapter Three: Verbal Cues: Reading Between the Lines
Chapter Four—Part One: Digging Deeper into Social Cues: The Face
Chapter Four—Part Two: Digging Deeper into Social Cues: The Body
Chapter Four—Part Three: Digging Deeper into Social Cues: Other Things to Look Out
For
Chapter Five: Putting It All Together: Specific Situations Using Social Cues
Chapter Six: Reading the Tone of a Text or Email
Chapter Seven: Reading Nonverbal Cues: Junior Edition
Chapter Eight: The Power of Cues: How to Know When Someone’s Lying
Conclusion

Resources
YOUR FREE SAY NO CHECKLIST
 DON’T LET THE PEOPLE PLEASING TRAP YOU AGAIN...

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 INTRODUCTION

Sarah had spent three years with her partner before she realized she had
made an abominable mistake. She had been lied to, humiliated in front of
her friends and family, cheated on, and heartbroken. She doubted her
judgments and instincts, felt alone, and couldn’t imagine being able to trust
again.
How did she finally come to this realization? She started to pay more
attention to her partner's body language and non-verbal cues than she did to
the words that came out of his mouth!
Many of us feel the ability to read people is a superhuman skill that is out of
our reach, something that is saved for fictional characters such as Sherlock
Holmes. If you have seen the latest series, Benedict Cumberbatch does an
incredible job of portraying Sherlock’s awkwardness in social situations.
But, whether it’s portrayed by Cumberbatch or in the original writings of
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes has a level of people-reading
skills that most of us desire.
Imagine being able to walk into a room and know someone overslept
because of a toothpaste stain on their shirt. Or before a person even speaks,
you know they are about to tell you a lie. For Sarah, and thousands of other
people, this skill would save a lot of pain!

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t

being said.”
— PETER F. DRUCKER

From a very young age, we are told to listen. Listen to your teacher, listen
to what your parents tell you, respect your elders and listen. We aren’t
taught how to actively listen, but what is worse is that with all this emphasis
on listening, we neglect the super skill that Sherlock has—the ability to
observe.
You may have seen various statistics on the importance of body language,
but one of the most significant studies comes from Professor Albert
Mehrabian. His research in the 1970s showed that only 7 percent of our
communication comes from the words we use. Body language accounts for
55 percent, which may not surprise you. However, 38 percent of our
communication is conveyed by our tone of voice and pitch.
Mehrabian himself explained that the 7-38-55 ratio was seen when people
were talking about their emotions. Nevertheless, if you want your
communication to be meaningful and honest, it requires emotions. In
Sarah’s case, she had based her entire relationship on 7 percent of
communication. She had missed out on a massive part of human interaction.
This doesn’t just have an impact on how you read others and your
interpretation of social interactions. Not being aware of your own non-
verbal cues affects your ability to effectively communicate every message
you want to get across. There is no exaggeration here—every message!
It’s human nature to want to feel like you belong. When you struggle to
communicate, one of the first things that happens is that you start to feel
isolated from others. Sometimes, you avoid social situations; other times,
you may be physically present but so worried about the impression you
make or how you are interpreted that you don’t risk engaging with others.
This isolation can lead to serious mental health conditions, especially
anxiety.
Because you have been relying on verbal communication, there can often
be a lot of trust issues surrounding your interactions. It’s incredibly hard to
know where you stand with someone when their verbal and non-verbal
messages are conflicting. The same can be said for others trusting you.
Trust is fundamental for all our relationships.
Another human condition is the desire to please others, whether that’s your
parents, your children, your friends, or coworkers. How can you fulfill their
needs when you can’t get an accurate reading of them? It’s frustrating when
someone tells you they are okay but then acts completely differently.
You may have already tried to improve your ability to read others, but after
millions of results from an online search, you are left feeling more confused
than ever. Information overload quickly leads to analysis paralysis. Rather
than action, you sink farther into isolation.
The cycle is vicious. The more you start to doubt your own abilities, the
more the insecurities start to take over. It gets harder to trust yourself and
others and instead of risking the fear of rejection, it’s simply safer to
disconnect.
The end result is that your romantic relationships are tense, you struggle to
advance in your career, and you find yourself saying no to more and more
events. Your friends start to distance themselves, and you even doubt your
parenting skills because you don’t know whether you are coming or going.
You may tell yourself this is fine and you are perfectly happy with Netflix
and your sofa but eventually, this will take its toll. Social isolation can
cause depression, poor sleep, decreased heart health, and lower immunity. It
can be twice as harmful as obesity, both physically and mentally.
This is no way for anyone to live! Regardless of our background and
experiences, we all deserve to live the life we want, a happy one filled with
our passions. And regardless of your previous attempts, you do have the
ability to learn how to read absolutely anyone.
We are going to begin with the basics of reading people, and what social
cues are in relation to both verbal and non-verbal communication. We will
discover how to understand what other people are feeling based on signals
from various parts of their bodies, as well as how to detect emotions when
face-to-face communication isn’t possible.
By the end of this book, you will be able to effectively read adults, children,
teenagers, and even those with personality disorders who are experts at
hiding their emotions.
It has taken me over a decade to master the skill of speed-reading others.
Like you, I had severe issues misinterpreting people, creating barriers, and
living in continuous conflict. My own journey led me to become a life
coach and my drive to help others only grew from there.
My personal and professional experiences as a personal growth, stress
management, and social interaction specialist motivated me to publish
books on topics that drive me. After my book How to Stop Overthinking
became a #1 bestseller on Amazon in both the UK and the US, I knew I
could keep reaching more people and helping them turn their lives around.
And this is where we are today. No change is easy, but we can make it
easier with simple-to-follow strategies that you can start implementing right
away. Knowledge is power and your knowledge begins with what it really
means to be able to read someone.
 CHAPTER ONE: THE ART OF READING OTHER
PEOPLE

T he study of gestures is far from new. The ancient Greeks and Romans
studied gestures intensely in drama schools. Even throughout the Middle
Ages, written documents were often made official through gestures because
the majority of people couldn’t read or write. For the illiterate a verbal
agreement and a handshake would have been used over a written contract.
Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell coined the term kinesics in 1952. His
definition of the study and interpretation of body movements included
facial expression, gestures, posture, and gait, as well as visible arm and
body movements.
Today, kinesics is the technical term for body language and encompasses
facial expression, gestures, eye contact, head position, body shape and
posture, and even appearance. Birdwhistell didn’t like the term body
language because he didn’t view our movements as something that could be
defined as a language but more of a grammar that we could analyze.
Kinesics is probably one of the most well-known forms of non-verbal
communication. It’s how we convey a message without verbal or written
words. Kinesics can also help to clarify a verbal message although, without
the skill of reading people, it can also confuse a message.
Let’s begin with a definition of reading people.
What Does Reading People Actually Mean
Most of us can remember our parents at one point threatening us with the
idiom “I can read you like a book” in the hope of catching us in a lie. The
dictionary definition shows how it goes beyond looking for signs of the
truth. To read someone like a book means you are able to “easily understand
the true thoughts and feelings of (someone) by looking at how that person
acts or behaves.” (Merriam-Webster, 2022).
When you look at a person, whether close up or from a distance, and form
opinions about them based on the way they look or move, you are reading
them. We create all these opinions before a person actually speaks. When
communication begins and you continue to read a person, your opinions
may change. You may discover that your initial thoughts were wrong or you
can confirm your original belief.
Much like Sherlock Holmes, FBI profilers and other law enforcement
specialists pay extreme detail to people. Their people-reading skills include
observational, psychological, and analytical techniques. There are many
leaders in the world who also use similar techniques in order to motivate
and inspire.
These experts are obviously good at reading the minute changes in a person,
but their skills extend farther than this. They will take into consideration a
person’s appearance and how they dress. Something as simple as a tattoo or
necklace can indicate culture or beliefs.
In the following chapter, we will look at the skill sets that make experts so
good at reading people. For now, it’s important to remember that reading
people is a skill that anyone can learn, but it is also an ongoing process that
needs to be practiced as often as possible.
Why People-Reading Skills Are Essential
Have you ever walked up to a professor, coworker, or boss to ask a favor
and had your head bitten off for no apparent reason? It’s not like you were
asking for a kidney but the response shocked you. At the most basic level,
learning how to read people helps prevent you from approaching a person
or situation in the wrong way.
Being able to read people means you know when it’s the right time to ask
for something and when it is better to steer well clear of them. It helps you
see when someone might be feeling emotional or when they need help.
When you can recognize another person’s emotions before they speak, you
can prepare yourself so the conversation becomes more productive. If you
can see that a person is sad or depressed rather than being antisocial, your
reactions are different. You don’t feel negative towards them. Instead, your
level of empathy increases and you offer support.
This is such a crucial skill because you are able to adapt your
communication in a way that makes the other person more likely to receive
it. And this isn’t just necessary for our social interactions. Life at home
becomes so much easier when you can read the best time to bring up certain
matters.
Take teenagers and toddlers, for example. The energy levels of a toddler are
often all over the place. When a parent can see that their child is tired,
nervous, or preoccupied, there is little point in asking them to tidy their toys
unless you want to risk a tantrum. You wouldn’t want to talk to a teenager
about sex or drugs when they are agitated or stressed out about exams.
Teenagers are notorious for not talking about their feelings. Toddlers aren’t
yet aware of their emotions and how to express them. Parents need this
super skill to better communicate with their children and ease the tension.
New relationships can be like walking through a minefield. Red flags can
pop up at any time, warning us of danger. If you notice your partner tends to
speak in a loud tone, exaggerate their hand gestures, or get impatient while
you are talking, you could be dealing with a narcissist. Something that you
might not discover soon enough if you rely on verbal communication alone.
Understanding what all these non-verbal messages are telling you is a form
of self-protection from potential pain and danger. It allows you to get better
at trusting your instincts and creating relationships with various people that
are genuine and meaningful.
Because, in general, we are not very good at reading people or their
emotions, by improving our skills, we can help those who aren’t as good at
or comfortable expressing their emotions and with overall communication.
If you can see that a person is shy or feeling awkward just by looking at
them, you can adapt your body language to help them feel safe and relaxed.
This way, the conversation is more likely to flow in a positive way and they
are more inclined to open up. Sharing emotions increases empathy and
trust.
Life is so much more fulfilling when we are able to improve how another
person is feeling rather than making them feel worse. Your non-verbal
communication can show others that you are listening, paying attention, and
engaged. This makes others feel special and respected!
Why Do People Struggle to Honestly Express Their Feelings
Another reason why we need to get better at reading people is because some
aren't good at expressing their emotions. Society frowns upon expressing
certain emotions, especially those that break the norms. Even today, in
some cultures, it’s still accepted for men to show anger and aggression but
not sadness or fear. A woman who asserts herself is rarely seen in the same
way as her male counterpart.
Depending on the society or culture a person lives in, expressing emotions
could be seen as a sign of weakness or vulnerability. When we fear
vulnerability, really we are scared of being rejected or abandoned, and we
naturally don’t want to get hurt. It feels like it’s easier to put this emotional
barrier up around us.
The other problem is that many people just aren’t aware of their emotions.
Between not knowing how to feel and feeling as if they cannot express
certain emotions, it can be hard to talk about how they truly feel and even to
trust their own feelings.
Still, if we want to communicate effectively and strengthen our
relationships, we can’t ignore the role emotions play. We are seeing
improvements in emotional awareness with the promotion of emotional
intelligence, but until we change our way of thinking, we have to rely on
our people-reading skills for the full picture.
Years ago, I was at a party talking to a group of men, all laughing and
joking about the antics they go through with their children. The mood was
relaxed and by watching the people in the group, I could see that everyone
was comfortable with the level of sharing.
Someone then changed the conversation to their partner, still joking, and
most of the group continued to laugh and nod in agreement. One man,
however, didn’t. His gaze moved to his hand and his thumb rubbed the area
where a wedding ring used to sit. The crow’s feet around his eyes faded and
a small frown appeared.
Reading these signs, I knew that his marriage had ended, and probably
fairly recently. From here, I was able to change the topic of conversation
again so that he didn’t have to keep listening to stories that would cause him
further pain. It felt good and motivated me to learn more about this
invaluable skill.
Assessing Your People-Reading Skills
So, how good are your current people-reading skills? Let’s use this final
section to gauge how good you are and where you can improve. Remember,
there is no pass or fail here. It’s just to get a baseline.
1. How often are your first impressions accurate?
● Always
● Most of the time
● Sometimes
● Hardly ever
2. How often do you pick up on subtle jokes?
● Always
● Most of the time
● Sometimes
● Hardly ever
3. How observant do you think you are?
● Extremely
● Somewhat
● Not very
● Not at all
4. Can you spot when someone is acting differently from usual?
● Definitely
● In some situations
● Not often
● I don’t know what is considered usual
5. How much of a conversation do you spend doing the talking?
● 25%
● 50%
● 75%
● 100%
6. What does it mean when somebody leans away from you?
● They are scared of me
● They are drawing a conclusion about me
● It’s a negative reaction but I’m not sure what
● I don’t know
7. What part of the body will a person rub if they are lying
● Their eyes
● Their forehead
● Their nose
● Their lips
8. Which do you consider more positive?
● Palms facing down
● Palms facing up
● Palms in their lap but closed
9. How long is the ideal amount of eye contact
● Around one second
● Three seconds
● Five seconds
10. Which of the following statements do you think are true?
● Men and women have different non-verbal cues
● There are some universal non-verbal cues
● Non-verbal cues change with age
● Culture can play a difference in body language
In this chapter, you have discovered that reading people’s movements and
behavior, not just hearing their words, is highly beneficial to your personal
and professional relationships. While it sounds like a skill reserved for
gifted people, it is something that you are more than capable of doing—all
you need is the right information and practice.
Before jumping into the next chapter, check how did on the self-assessment
quiz. The first five questions are subjective and will help with self-
awareness. Here are the answers for questions six to ten:
6) Generally, when someone leans away from you it is negative
7) They will rub their nose, and you will discover why in our chapter about
lying
8) Palms facing up is a positive sign
9) Experts believe three seconds of eye contact before breaking away is
ideal
10) All of the statements are true
 CHAPTER TWO: READY, SET, READ

I confess I am a huge fan of Criminal Minds. Although I love a good

thriller in any case, this has to be my favorite series because it’s not so
much about figuring out who did it as the process the profilers use to
discover and capture the criminal.
Criminal profiling goes back to at least the 1880s and the hunt for the
notorious Jack the Ripper in England. Two physicians, George Phillips and
Thomas Bond, were able to predict the personality of Jack the Ripper based
on clues at a crime scene. It wasn’t until around sixty years later that the
advantages of this skill really came to light.
In the 1940s, there were over thirty random bombings in New York. The
bomber stopped during the Second World War but in 1950, when the New
York Public Library and Grand Central Station were attacked, the police, at
a loss, turned to psychiatrist James A. Brussel.
By using psychiatric and psychoanalytic methods, as well as common
sense, Brussel was able to give a detailed description of the bomber, George
Metesky, even down to the type of jacket he would be wearing when
arrested (which Brussel was right about).
In the 1970s, criminal profiling saw another major advancement.
Supervisory FBI agents John E. Douglas (also known as the serial killer
whisperer) and Robert Ressler interviewed thirty-six serial killers and
created the database ViCAP, Violent Criminal Apprehension Program. This
program recorded behavioral patterns and allowed law enforcement to
match details of crimes to the patterns of other violent criminals, leading to
the capture of some of history's most gruesome serial killers, such as
Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.
FBI agents today acknowledge that reading people isn’t something that only
professionals can do. As LaRae Quy, an FBI counterintelligence agent for
twenty-three years, said, “You don’t need to be a top-notch interrogator to
figure out what is going on in someone’s head. The signals are always there
—all you need to do is know what to look for.”
We will begin by taking a closer look at how criminal profilers learn to read
people, before actually considering an individual's body language.

Factors That May Affect How You Read People

First off, we have to consider different cultures and non-verbal cues. It
would be wrong to assume everyone expresses the same body language. A
handshake is a perfect example. You may be used to receiving a firm
handshake and having the feeling that the other person is confident—if
you’re used to a Western culture. Coming from the Far East, this gesture
would be seen as aggressive. In Northern Europe, a quick handshake is
appropriate, but Southern European and American cultures prefer a longer
handshake.
The amount of contact in general will vary from culture to culture. Latin
America, Southern Europe, and Middle Eastern countries are considered
high-contact cultures, and you will notice more touching and people
standing closer when speaking. Northern European countries as well as
North America use medium levels of contact, whereas the Far East is very
much a low-contact culture.
Hand gestures can be a real faux pax when used in different cultures. A
palm falling upwards with the index finger curling inwards is often seen as
a signal to come closer but in Asian countries, the same gesture is
incredibly rude. The “thumbs-up” is only a sign of a good job in Europe and
America. In Greece and the Middle East, your “thumbs-up” means “up
yours.”
And of course, eye contact is one of the most frequently talked about areas
of body language and we are constantly reminded of the need for good eye
contact. However, in Asia, it’s disrespectful to make eye contact.
Even within cultures, your people-reading skills will have to take into
consideration different personality types. On the most basic level, we have
introverts and extroverts. Experts have noticed that introverts tend to be
more rigid in social situations, particularly when it comes to arm
movements and hand gestures. They are more inclined to break eye contact,
more specifically by looking to the right.
Extroverts, on the other hand, are more likely to look at a person when they
are talking to them, burst into laughter, and move around a room more than
an introvert. After longer eye contact, extroverts will more often break it by
looking to the left.
Those whose personalities lean towards introverted may also have a harder
time reading other people’s body language, and only 50 percent feel they
have control over their own body language. In contrast, 61 percent of
extroverts feel they have control over their body language. Turbulent
personality types are more likely to feel their body language has betrayed
them in some way, compared with assertive personality types, with 73
percent and 58 percent respectively (NERIS Analytics Limited, 2020).
Furthermore, there are a number of neurodivergent conditions that cause
people to react to social situations in a way that is outside what is
considered normal. Neurodiversity includes conditions like autism,
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, dyspraxia (a
disorder affecting movement and coordination), and other learning delays
and disorders.
The brain of a neurodivergent person works differently from the brain of a
typical person. That’s not to say it is bad or wrong, it just means the brain
reacts to strengths and weaknesses differently. A neurodivergent person
may struggle with non-verbal communication but excel in other areas, such
as attention to detail or written communication. Still, this is something else
that can impact how we read people.
These are the core factors that could influence the way we read people, but
we will learn more about this when we discover baselines. Before this, it’s
time to work on our own emotional intelligence.
Developing Your Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize the wide spectrum of
emotions you experience, and how to process them so you don’t end up
reacting to them negatively. For example, think how beneficial it would be
to recognize frustration before it turns into an angry outburst!
Developing your emotional intelligence enables you to better understand
how your emotions impact your behavior. You may be trying to present a
positive message, but the tension in your face and body lets others know
that you aren’t feeling positive. Communication is interrupted as the verbal
and non-verbal cues are contradicting each other.
At the same time, when you get better at recognizing your own emotions, it
becomes easier to pick up on the emotional messages that others emit, even
when they are trying to cover those feelings.
The first place to start is with self-awareness. Those who are self-aware
don’t let their feelings control their behavior or attitudes. They have faith in
their instincts and more importantly, they are able to take an honest look at
themselves to determine their strengths and weaknesses so they can commit
to self-improvement.
Next, emotional intelligence requires the ability to control emotions,
especially the stronger ones. To do this, it’s a good idea to consider how you
react in stressful situations. Are you able to remain calm or do your
emotions affect others? From here, you can start to develop a greater level
of empathy by putting yourself in the place of those on the receiving end of
your emotions.
It’s not always easy taking constructive criticism from others but this
feedback can provide you with invaluable information and insights into
perspectives that you may not have otherwise considered.
I can’t stress enough how observation can help improve your emotional
intelligence. Pay attention to how people react and how their bodies change
as their emotions change. You can do this when you are interacting with
others or even just when you are out and about, watching how people
interact in different situations. Think about how different people’s body
language would be in a hospital compared to an airport.
Let’s get back to that baseline and why it matters.
The Need for a Baseline
Each of us has our own behavioral quirks. Some people play with their hair
more frequently than others, blink less often, or wiggle their feet as they are
sitting. Some people—and even cultures—speak louder than others. Some
of these might give us insight into their feelings and behavior, but in other
cases, this is just normal for them.
For this reason, it is necessary for us to create a baseline for different
people. Understanding what is normal for a particular person will help you
spot differences and deviations from the baseline, which could give you
more information about a person in a certain situation.
Let’s use blinking as an example. Adults blink an average of twelve times
per minute (Kwon, et al., 2013). When people blink quickly (more than
average) it could be because they are nervous, whereas slow blinking could
be an expression of disbelief after someone has done something
ridiculously stupid. However, Eva notices that when she is tired, she blinks
less and more slowly.
Using this baseline, we know that when we are talking to Eva, slow
blinking is normal behavior and she doesn’t think we are complete fools.
On the other hand, Mason blinks more when he is talking, even though he
isn’t nervous.
It sounds like an impossible task to create a baseline for everyone you meet.
Start with a few people you know well because you may already have an
idea of their behavioral quirks. It will be easier to spot the inconsistencies
between their baseline and the words and gestures they use.
How Biases and Intuition Impact Reading People
We all have a tendency to have biases and make judgments about people. If
we can be completely honest, at some point, we made a decision whether
we liked someone before we had the chance to get to know them, or even
talk to them.
Sadly, this bias towards a person can influence how you read them. If you
have chosen not to like them, their energetic hand gestures could annoy you
rather than you seeing this as a sign of their enthusiasm. People respond
differently (verbally and non-verbally) when they receive a compliment and
we are unconsciously swayed when in the company of attractive people!
In order to read people, it’s essential that you leave your biases, judgments,
and stereotypes behind. Make a conscious effort to correct the opinions you
form without any evidence. Our past experiences and beliefs shouldn’t
make us judge people. Being objective and open-minded is the best way to
see the bigger picture in front of us for what it really is!
It sounds ironic, but at the same time, you still have to listen to your
instincts. Our gut feelings are primal responses to situations and people. A
study from Tel Aviv University’s School of Psychological Sciences found
that our instincts are right 90 percent of the time (Prigg, 2012).
A balance between the two could be to listen to your instincts and when
those internal red flags are raised, it’s time to pay a little more attention to
non-verbal cues to confirm your feelings.
Putting Things into Context
People will act differently depending on the environment they are in and
who they are with. This is because our levels of ease and confidence will
change based on the level of familiarity. If you have ever traveled, you will
know how much more nervous you were at the airport the first time
compared to the fifth or even tenth.
Behavioral changes due to an environment don’t just occur in adults.
Children are a classic example. How many times have you watched your
child running around the house like one of the Looney Tunes but the
teacher tells you they are a complete angel in the classroom?
Whether it’s a child in school or an adult in the boardroom, you need to be
able to remember that the environment will change a person’s behavior, just
as it changes yours. Crossed legs might be a sign of disinterest or being
closed off. It could also just be that someone is wearing a skirt and feels
more comfortable that way.
Why Clusters of Gestures Matter
To put all of this together and fully understand another person’s non-verbal
cues, the final fundamental act of reading people is to take into
consideration gesture clusters. A one-off gesture may not mean what we
think, and considering how many gestures are made throughout a
conversation, you may end up driving yourself mad trying to take them all
in.
For example, someone may clear their throat because they have a “frog in
their throat”. They may clear their throat at various times if they have
allergies. But if they often clear their throat, their gaze is towards the floor
and they are fidgeting with their hands, the cluster of gestures indicates they
could be feeling nervous.
To get a better understanding of people’s movements and what they may be
telling you, ask open-ended questions and pay attention to the answers.
These questions can provide more information about a person and their
feelings but equally, as they answer, they will give you more non-verbal
cues to read.
How Self-Aware Are You?
At this stage, take a moment to consider your own emotional intelligence.
Can you accurately identify how you are feeling beyond the usual fine,
happy, tired, stressed, and angry? When intense emotions arise, are you able
to control them without suppressing them or ignoring them?
And what about your own biases? The biggest bias of them all is thinking
that you are unbiased. Begin by closely examining your thoughts regarding
things like age, gender, religion, disabilities, and ethnicity. When you feel
assumptions beginning to creep up, remind yourself that these thoughts are
no longer permitted.
Finally, broaden your experiences. If you aren’t feeling confident enough to
try new social situations just yet, that’s okay. But what you can do is read
blogs and articles, or listen to podcasts from those of different cultures and
backgrounds.
Watch movies that show the lives and experiences of people whom you
wouldn’t normally hang out with. It doesn’t sound like much, but it will
lead to becoming more open-minded and observant of differences.
When you see or hear the phrase “reading people,” you probably think
immediately that it’s just about body language. However, spoken words—
and the real meaning behind them—also hold a lot of weight when it comes
to understanding what others are trying to communicate. The next chapter is
dedicated to verbal cues and what they reveal.
 CHAPTER THREE: VERBAL CUES: READING
BETWEEN THE LINES

I tMermaid,
may be that we take the voice for granted. Just look at the Little
who was so quick to give it up! The ability to speak requires
language skills that we develop in our early years, but what about the
physical side of speech? To utter just one phrase takes 100 muscles in the
lips, tongue, jaw, neck, and chest (Morris, 2019).
How we say words provides the listener with an abundance of information,
especially relating to mood and feelings. Even an introductory “hello” can
express pleasure, happiness, boredom, anger, sadness, aggression,
dominance, or sarcasm. Depending on the tone, you could hear irony or
affection. What’s more, with practice, you will be able to detect the
intensity of these emotions.
Going back to baselines, the average conversational voice produces 60 dB
(decibels) when three feet apart. Quiet speech sits at around 35 to 40 dB,
whereas shouting produces 75 dB. To put that in context, loud radio music
is about 80 dB. If you have no idea what these numbers are, and this is
understandable, there are apps to which you can play a sound and it will tell
you the decibels.
You would think that verbal cues are easy to understand, but this isn’t
always the case.
What Are Verbal Cues?
In conversations, verbal cues are words that indicate the person expects a
response or reaction. This spoken language can be one-on-one or in a group
setting. For example, people know when to laugh at a joke because the
punchline has been delivered. The joke teller delivers the punchline and
expects a response—hopefully, a laugh!
In the classroom, we see numerous examples of verbal cues. When
educators start a sentence with “Does anybody know…” or “Can anyone
tell me…” it’s because they are expecting (or at least hoping for) an answer.
There are different types of verbal cues. First off, we have content cues that
provide the listener with a lot of meaning. Next, there are verbal styles. The
four basic styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or the all-time
prized assertive style. Let’s take a brief look at these styles:
● Passive: Passive communicators may struggle to express their feelings,
and they avoid conflict. They may act indifferent and struggle to say no.
● Aggressive: The volume will be louder, and there will be more criticism
and attacking. They will be quick to give commands but not so quick to
listen.
● Passive-aggressive: Passive-aggressive style leads to a sense of
powerlessness and a build-up of resentment. People mutter to themselves or
use body language to communicate. They could appear to be cooperating
but actually doing the opposite.
● Assertive: Communication is open and people are able to express their
wants and needs, and balance this with the wants and needs of others.
Two other styles that need to be understood in more detail are direct and
indirect verbal cues.
The Beauty of Direct Verbal Cues
Direct verbal cues leave little room for misinterpretation. They are clear and
specific requests and prompts that indicate what the listener needs to do or
how they should respond. Here are some examples:
● “Open your textbooks to page 97.” - Students know that they are
expected to open their books and prepare for learning.
● “I want you to fold the laundry.” - A family member understands what
their responsibility is.
● “You need to pay the phone bill before 5 p.m. today.” - This clearly states
which bill has to be paid and by when.
● “Always check your messages as soon as you get to your desk.” - An
employee is aware of what is expected of them.
● “When you arrive at the gate, have your passport and boarding pass
ready.” - Holidaymakers know the process and what to do to board their
plane.
These direct statements are easy to understand, assuming the listener is
actively listening. But that’s not to say that they can’t be influenced by the
tone and pitch of voice and the volume. Even emphasis on certain words
implies importance.
Think about the phrase “You need to pay the phone bill before 5 p.m.
today..” How would you interpret the sentence when the word you is
stressed? Then, the difference when phone bill or 5 p.m. are emphasized.
As we work through the chapters, we will understand more about how our
voice can help us to read people. For now, let’s look at the more subtle
indirect verbal cues.
Indirect Verbal Cues and Examples
When people use indirect verbal cues, the expectation is not as obvious.
The phrase may be in the form of a hint or a question. There could be
ambiguity. With indirect cues, the listener is more responsible for delivering
the right response because they have to sift through the vague message.
We’ll start with paying that bill!
● “Are you going to pay the phone bill by 5 p.m?” - The listener
understands that a bill needs to be paid by a certain time but it lacks clear
instruction.
● “You choose a restaurant but make sure it’s not too expensive.” - People’s
opinions of expensive will vary.
● “You have tidied your room, what else were you supposed to do?” - A
child understands they are missing something but they don’t know what.
● “Be sure to organize the invoices in a logical way.” - Is logical by date, by
customer information, or by payment size?
● “You need to improve your communication skills.” - Considering the
sheer scope of communication skills, the listener would have no idea where
to begin.
Direct verbal cues are always more appreciated. Without the need to
decipher indirect cues, we are able to pay more attention to reading people.
Naturally, you can’t control how other people use verbal cues, but you can
ensure that your messages are as clear as possible and without room for
misinterpretation.
In the next section, we will look at how to use certain words to give your
listener a more accurate understanding of the message.
Emphasis versus Organizational versus Mannerism Cues
In the first place, we can use verbal cues to emphasize something important
is about to be said or that the listener needs to pay more attention to
something coming up. These cues at the beginning of a phrase draw the
listener’s focus to the message:
● You need to know
● You should note
● It’s crucial to understand
● You have to remember
● You should underline
● It’s necessary to think about
● This is key
● Listen carefully
● I will emphasize
● Let me repeat/explain
● I’m going to make this clear
Structuring a message and giving organizational cues enables the listener to
better follow an order or sequence. It’s also a gentle reminder that there is
more of the message to come. Organizational cues are particularly useful
when the reader needs to link ideas or information within a message. These
can include:
● Today’s topic is
● We are going to discuss
● As an introduction
● In the first place
● Second, third, etc.
● Next
● Then
● Our main points are
● Headings we will discuss include
● The result is
● In this order
● In conclusion
● In summary
● Let’s recap/review
As well as actual words, there are ways we can use words that highlight
importance, a need for extra attention, or just to clarify a message. These
are what we call mannerism cues. One of the most common mannerism
cues is when a speaker repeats a word or phrase for emphasis. Some people
will spell words out but in the wrong context, this could be seen as
condescending. A teacher may spell out the word “listen” to younger
students but a chairman doing the same to a board of directors could cause a
different reaction.
As we saw with direct cues, the stress on a word can change the way a
message is received, even if it is just slightly. To stress a word or part of a
sentence, the speaker may slow down on certain words or speak these
words louder.
The same can be said when we change our tone of voice. Imagine your
most hated task, whether that’s doing the dishes or deep cleaning the office.
How do you feel when the message to clean is monotone? By uttering the
message to clean in a higher, upbeat tone, the speaker is able to create
enthusiasm for the listener.
Other mannerism cues may be more subtle. Instead of just giving someone
a list or reading a list, the speaker can pause at the end of each point,
indicating there is time to take notes. People may ask questions that are not
intended to be answered, rhetorical questions. If someone asks you, “What
time do you call this?” they don’t want you to say, “It’s lunchtime..” The
message is that you’re late.
Other Examples of Verbal Cues
In order to provide more insight into what people are really trying to say,
certain words can really change how a message is perceived. Take for
example the word “another” and these two sentences.
● “I bought a new house.”
● “I bought another house.”
In the first sentence, there is excitement as a person has just achieved a
huge goal. In the second sentence, the speaker wants to emphasize that this
isn’t their first house. They want the listener to know that they have the
financial means to own more than one house and the word “another” is an
intention to boost their image.
Pronouns also give away a lot about the message we want to portray, so
much so that James W. Pennebaker, social psychologist and language
expert, was able to write an entire book on the subject. In The Secret Life of
Pronouns: What Our Words Say About Us, Pennebaker highlights a study
that showed people who use the pronoun I more frequently come across as
warmer and more honest. Those who use it less frequently appear to be
more confident.
Action words can give away snippets of a person’s personality. Using the
words “decided” and “chose” indicates that somebody has taken the time to
consider various options, weighing up the pros and cons before coming to a
conclusion. The statement suggests the person isn’t impulsive. It sounds too
extreme to make that much of a difference until you compare two
sentences.
● “I went for the new Samsung phone.”
● “I decided to go for the new Samsung phone.”
It’s subtle, but the difference is still there.
Then we have word cues that could be more commonly used by different
cultures or depending on familiarity. Hearing the word “chill” lets us know
that we are causing too much tension. “Seriously,” depending on the tone,
could be questioning someone else’s comments or asking for confirmation.
The final example of word cues comes from the film Notting Hill, as I love
cultural differences when it comes to communication and cues. As Hugh
Grant is trying to climb the gate into the park and slips, he says, “Whoopsie
daisies,” and Julia Roberts starts to tease him. This very British expression
is often used when a mistake has been made, or more commonly, when a
child falls.
You may be wondering why these verbal cues are necessary to improve
your people-reading skills, but it’s all part of the bigger picture. To
successfully read someone, it’s not just about looking at one part of
communication, it’s about piecing it all together and easing out the
discrepancies, especially between verbal and non-verbal communication.
Let’s recap these verbal cues before moving on.
Direct: Specific phrases to achieve a response or action.
- “Please wash your hands before entering.”
Indirect: Vague phrases that leave the listener trying to decipher the
appropriate response.
- “Why do you want to work for this company?”
Emphasis: Warn the listener that attention is needed.
- “The key thing to remember is…”
Organization: To inform the listener of an order or relationship between
ideas.
- “After covering X, we will move on to Y.”
Word Cues: To provide more clarification, emphasis, or personality
insights.
- To end a conversation. “Well, it’s been great seeing you.”
Use Your Downtime to Identify Verbal Cues
The next time you watch an episode of your favorite series, try to pay closer
attention to verbal cues. Can you now identify them and what their intended
uses are?
After learning about the power of words in discerning what the other person
wants to say, it’s time to pay attention to what speaks louder than words:
social cues. In the next few chapters, you’ll learn how to spot, pick up, and
understand the different types of nonverbal cues.
 CHAPTER FOUR—PART ONE: DIGGING DEEPER
INTO SOCIAL CUES: THE FACE

W esomeone
know not to judge a book by its cover but our initial impressions of
occur so quickly that it’s not easy to control. Have you ever
wondered how long it actually takes to make certain judgments?
One study, conducted by psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander
Todorov, showed that we make judgments about a person in just one-tenth
of a second. In such a short period of time, participants in a study were able
to accurately label traits of a person from a photo (Wargo, 2006). The photo
was of different people’s faces!
Prior to looking at what parts of the face give away so much detailed
information, it’s important to understand the full scope of nonverbal
communication.

Nonverbal Communication Defined

Nonverbal communication is the act of conveying information without the
use of words (APA Dictionary of Psychology, n.d.). These social cues are
exchanged through our body language and expressions but they can often
be misread or missed altogether, causing difficulties in communication.
Being able to recognize social cues will help with people-reading because it
gives you the opportunity to understand another person’s thoughts or
feelings. This may not sound like a big deal but very often, a person will try
to hide their thoughts or feelings, or their verbal message will go against
what their social cues are telling you. These cues give you a better reading
of how engaged a person is.
There are different types of social cues that we are going to look at
throughout the following chapters. For an overview of what to expect, the
main types of social cues are:
The face and facial expression
It’s often the first thing we see and tells us right away how another person is
feeling, from fear to happiness. Some of the facial expressions vary from
culture to culture but four of the primary emotions are universal. These
include happiness, sadness, anger, and fear.
A slight change in our facial expressions shows the listener a change of
mood. Aside from this, we also have microexpressions, tiny details in the
face that we can’t control, so learning to read microexpressions enables you
to better read the true emotions of a person. Even before we hear any
words, we have already detected information just by looking at someone’s
face.
Body language
A lot of attention is placed on the face but this can cause us to overlook the
rest of the body. Our posture, or how we hold our body, can support or
contrast a verbal message. The angle of someone’s body indicates their
level of engagement.
Our hands and the gestures we make with them have an awful lot of
meaning behind them, and this can very much depend on culture. The same
can be said for touching. Some cultures are naturally more physical than
others and even the area of the body being touched gives away more
meaning.
Tone and pitch of voice
The voice changes depending on the situation, the mood, and even our
sense of urgency. To express importance or urgency, we often talk faster.
When our tone is stronger, others gain a sense of approval or detect some
enthusiasm. A raised tone of voice is frequent when we are asking a
question.
When the tone of voice is slower and a pitch or two lower we may interpret
this as a lack of interest. Matched with other social cues, it could be a sign
of a lack of confidence. When people are unable to detect a sarcastic tone,
they could take a sentence too literally, misunderstanding the overall
meaning.
Proxemics
This is also referred to as personal space or our physical boundaries. To
some extent, this will depend on the individual, and more so culture. Some
cultures are naturally closer; it’s more acceptable to hug and kiss someone
upon meeting. They will even stand closer in conversations. Other cultures
are used to being more distant and this doesn’t imply that levels of interest
differ.
Even two people from the same culture and area can have preferences
regarding personal space. You may have experienced that awkward moment
when someone goes to hug you and you try to duck out of the way. We will
look at specific physical boundaries later on.
Haptics
Touching as a form of non-verbal communication is known as haptics and it
can convey sympathy, comfort, familiarity, and a whole host of other
emotions. Used the right way, touch can express concern and it’s a very
nurturing form of non-verbal communication. However, this is generally
more so for women. Men, and more so those of high status, may use
physical touch to invade another person’s space with the aim to assert
power over them.
Much like touching various parts of our own faces and bodies, the use of
touch and its location requires more detail, coming later.
Appearance, clothing, and artifacts
Finally, our non-verbal communication is also helped by the clothes we
wear and how we present ourselves. On the one hand, our clothes can
indicate the level of respect and interest a person has in a social event. If
someone turned up to a business meeting wearing jeans and a T-shirt, it
doesn’t come across as if they take things very seriously.
Our clothes, make-up, accessories, and hairstyle can help us with our
confidence. On the other hand, research on color psychology has shown
how different colors can impact not only our moods but the moods of those
around us.
For now, the goal is to get a basic understanding of non-verbal
communication and each part of this chapter will clarify the social cues in
action. As the face is one of the things we tend to notice first, this is where
we will begin.
Reading Facial Expressions
To be able to read faces, you first need to be able to understand different
microexpressions. Microexpressions are involuntary facial expressions that
accompany an emotion and cannot be faked. A microexpression is so fast it
can last as little as one-half to four seconds.
So how can you get good at reading these microexpressions? Apart from
paying close attention due to the speed, here are some signs:
The surprise microexpression
The eyebrows will be extremely raised and often curved, with the skin
above tense. Wrinkles will appear on the forehead. Eyes will be wide open
with plenty of white visible. The jaw drops but without any tension.
Another version of the surprise microexpression is the eyebrow flash, a
quick raising, and lowering of the brows that is more common among
people who are more familiar with each other.
The fear microexpression
The eyebrows are raised but not to the extent of the surprise
microexpression. There will be wrinkles on the forehead, too, but more in
the center of the forehead. While the eyes are wide open, there will be more
of the upper whites visible. You will notice tension in the lips.
The disgust microexpression
The eyes are narrow while the eyebrows are lowered. As the cheeks rise
and the nose tenses, it’s common to see lines joining each side of the nose
to the corner of the mouth. Sometimes, the upper teeth can be seen.
The anger microexpression
The eyebrows are lowered and drawn together, which causes vertical lines
between the eyebrows. The eyes appear hard and the nostrils are flared. The
lips are pressed close together with the lower lip being tenser. The corners
of the mouth point downwards and if the lower jaw sticks out slightly, the
mouth may appear square.
The happiness microexpression
The corners of the lips are pulled back and up, sometimes the teeth are
visible and other times not. There will be lines from the nose to the corners
of the lips. The cheeks will be raised too. The way to tell genuine happiness
from fake happiness is to look for crow’s feet around the outside of the
eyes.
The sadness microexpression
Despite being the longest-lasting microexpression, it’s one of the hardest to
spot because facial changes are smaller. The inner corners of the eyebrows
are slightly pulled in and up. The jaw rises and lips pout as the corner of the
lips are pulled down.
The contempt microexpression
Contempt or hate is shown by raising one side of the mouth, and it may be
accompanied by the same eyebrow being slightly raised. A good tip to
know is this is the only microexpression where the face isn’t symmetrical.
Of course, there are more than the essential microexpressions, but these are
the best place to start. The following are slightly more complex and once
the microexpressions are easier to recognize, the tiniest differences can be
spotted. It is suggested that aside from the previous six universal facial
expressions, there are twelve more:
● Amusement: The jaw may be lifted with the head slightly back, and there
will be crow’s feet around the eyes as the muscles tighten, whereas around
the mouth, the muscles will relax and the mouth open.
● Awe: The eyes are wide open, combined with the inner eyebrows being
slightly raised. The mouth is relaxed and open.
● Concentration: It will depend on the situation but typical signs include a
fixed gaze or a gaze slightly upwards or to one side. There may be less
blinking and some people may touch their head, chew their lip, or have their
tongue sticking out a fraction.
● Confusion: You may notice one eyebrow raised higher than the other but
confusion is more likely to be seen in the nose and forehead. These parts of
the face tend to be scrunched up or wrinkled.
● Contentment: The facial expression is the same as happiness. The main
difference between the emotions is that happiness is in the moment and
contentment is long-lasting with a greater sense of peace.
● Desire: The love and lust eyes can be very useful to understand. When
somebody looks at your facial features, it indicates a more romantic
interest. When the gaze is on your body, it’s lust.
● Disappointment: The eyes may seem sad, even crinkled, and the head a
little lower. A person's lips could be pursed and exhalation may seem
purposely louder or exaggerated.
● Doubt: One or both eyebrows may be raised, causing the forehead to
wrinkle. The head may be tilted with one side of the mouth pulled slightly
to one side. Some people touch or stroke their chin.
● Elation: Pupils are bright and the eyes appear open with crow’s feet. The
corners of the mouth will be raised and the teeth sometimes showing. Joy is
often accompanied by laughter or squeals of excitement.
● Interest: A person will have a genuine smile, they will be making eye
contact, and possibly leaning in towards you. They will make sounds to
confirm their attention such as “umm” and “oh yes.”
● Pain: The eyes will be squeezed, even squinting with the eyebrows
lowered. The nose may be wrinkled and the upper lip will be raised. You
may notice tension in the lips too.
● Triumph: The gaze is fixed and the head is slightly raised. There will be
signs of a smile. One of the differences between happiness and triumph is
that this expression often comes with signs of relief because the challenge
has been achieved.
When breaking down facial expressions, we can look at the eyes, the nose,
and the mouth individually. Starting from the top, the gateways to the soul
are of huge importance.
It’s All in the Eyes
Back in grade school, I remember a girl in the row in front of me turned
around at looked at the girl next to me. It was a gaze only the two of them
could share and it was enough for them to understand exactly what they
wanted to say—without any words or gestures. It was a look of familiarity
and love but in the subtlest and most private way.
Since then, I have seen the same look many times, but that moment taught
me that the eyes can speak a thousand words if we have the ability to read
them.
Eyes that are showing interest:
● The eyebrow flash: Not only used for surprise, but an eyebrow flash from
a social distance can also gain someone’s interest, whether that’s sexual
interest or a “cool” greeting. It is a sign that someone is happy to see you.
● The wink: Most commonly used for flirting, winking also helps to relieve
the tension in a room and could be a signal of reassurance between friends.
● One eyebrow raise: Along with a smile, this suggests surprise and
interest. With crossed arms or legs, it may imply skepticism and mistrust.
● Two raised eyebrows: Similarly, both eyebrows raised could be a sign of
surprise but it may indicate that a person is worried. When matching verbal
and nonverbal cues, raised eyebrows could be to emphasize the importance
of what someone is saying.
● Rapid blinking: Eyelash batting, more so with a downward head tilt, are
signs of flirting and sexual excitement. Don’t get too carried away. Some
people blink rapidly when they are struggling to express themselves.
● Extended eye contact: This is a sign that someone likes you. Long periods
of comfortable eye contact releases dopamine and affection toward each
other.
● Pupil dilation: This is a good sign that someone is looking at something
that pleases them.
The meaning of eye direction:
● Left or right: Looking sideways can express doubt, suspicion, or
contempt. With a sideways glance, it points to suspicion but it’s more likely
a sign of interest, specifically sexual. Research today shows that looking to
the left isn’t necessarily a sign of lying.
● Looking down: This could be a way to strengthen a bond when the person
is taller and displaying other nonverbal open cues. Others looking down
may be feeling insecure or just taking a moment to think.
● Looking up: A nice and simple sign that indicates someone is thinking.
It’s also a common gesture when we look up to the sky hoping for an
answer from a higher power!
● The sideways glance: It’s a complicated one! The sideways glance may
literally be encouraging attention to a particular direction. Watch out for a
sideways glance with a tilted head or an eye roll because the person could
be telling you they are listening but don’t believe you just yet.
● The watch glance: It’s quite a literal sign that time is running out. Don’t
be too offended. In some cases, the person is bored, in others, they may
genuinely be busy.
Eye movements that support body blocking:
● Closed eyelids: Think about when you instinctively cover your ears when
you hear bad news. Along with this, you will close your eyes. It’s a sign of
disbelief but in extremely emotional cases, people may be trying to hide
their most sensitive information.
● Rubbing eyelids: This is often a self-soothing action that can stimulate
the vagus nerve. A person who rubs their eyelids is looking for stress
release, whether that’s from tiredness or feeling overwhelmed.
● Slowly closing eyelids: Think back to your parents! You may remember
this action when they were disappointed or upset.
● Increased blinking: Not quite rapid blinking but more than the baseline;
think of this as a sign of someone trying to pull the blinds down—gently!
There isn’t a great deal of interest in what you are saying or what is being
said is totally unbelievable.
● Eyelid twitching: Normally, this is a sign of the nervous system being
overloaded. Either you or the person you are talking to is laden with stress.
● Rubbing between the eyes: People touch this fleshy part of the skin
between the eyebrows when they are stressed and sometimes when they are
exhausted and need a break.
Eyes that are angry and sad:
● Lowered eyebrows: This is a sign of dominance but if the lowering is
brief, it may be that a person doesn’t believe you. When the eyebrows drop
really low, it can imply weakness or insecurity.
● Crying: It sounds obvious but you should look out for fake crying. The
absence of tears, nose touching, and swallowing are signs that the emotions
aren’t real.
● The angry stare: There is little to no blinking with a long hard stare. The
head may be tilted downwards slightly and the eyebrows lowered.
● Slow eye movements: The more tired a person is, the slower their eyes
will move.
● Rolling eyes: An eye roll may come before anger cues. There could be a
disagreement, conflict, or the attitude of “whatever.”
The signs of fear:
● Wide eyes: While it could be a sign of surprise, it’s more related to fear.
When our eyes widen, our visual periphery increases so that we can see
more danger.
● Pupil constriction: When pupils constrict, our vision focuses and images
are sharper, again, helping us see signs of danger.
● Reduced blinking: The average blink rate is twenty-six to twenty per
minute. Less than that may be because a person is paying more attention to
their environment, as if on high alert. Of course, this may also happen when
you stare at a screen for too long.
● Eyebrow arching: Arched eyebrows, for longer than a flash, point to an
unwanted surprise.
Other cues for the eyes:
● Glazed eyes: The distant look in someone’s eye indicates that they are
lacking interest and possibly bored. On the other hand, they may be tired or
deep in thought.
● Squinting eyes: If a person squints their eyes when you are talking, it’s a
good idea to explain things further. They are probably trying to process
information and may not believe you. With lowered eyelids, the person may
be on the verge of anger.
● Looking away: Confident people look in any direction; someone who
looks away may be shy. With hunched shoulders and a lowered chin, this
cue may be seen as weakness.
● Darting eyes: When the brain looks for an escape route, the eyes shift. A
person could be processing negative information or feel doubt, anxiety, or
fear.
● Glasses: Glasses are often seen as a sign of intelligence and can make a
person appear more attractive. Glasses, like eye makeup, bring more focus
to the eyes.
Impressively, you can actually control where people look. If you have an
object in your hand, such as a pen, keep the pen at head height. Once a
person focuses on the pen, lift the pen up and notice how their eyes follow
the pen. The same happens with left-to-right movements. This is helpful
because you can direct people to look at things that are important.
Considering how valuable our eyes are in non-verbal communication, it
makes sense that you should take care of them and have regular checkups.
More importantly, the eyes can tell you a lot about your health. For
example, yellow whites are because of jaundice and a cloudy eye lens is
due to cataracts.
Other health conditions include dots of blood in the eye that could be a sign
of diabetes. A gray ring around the outer cornea might suggest high
cholesterol and thin blood vessels may be from high blood pressure.
Symptoms of some cancers may first appear in the eyes!
Don’t forget to look at what the eyebrows are doing. Surprise normally
comes with raised or arched eyebrows. The neutral position supports
happiness but when the eyebrows start to drop, it’s because the person is
feeling sad. When eyebrows are tight and knitted together, it could be a
warning sign that the person is angry.
You may not think that the nose can give away too much detail.
Realistically, apart from wrinkling, there isn’t a get deal of movement,
which is why it’s necessary to pay attention to how we touch our noses.
The Nose Knows
It is estimated that our noses can pick up one trillion different smells!
Smells can change our mood and even affect our interactions. Each of us
has an individual odor that can change when we experience fear or stress.
While we don’t actively go around sniffing people, our nose has the power
to feed us information.
● Touching the nose: Touching, rubbing, or scratching suggests uncertainty,
stress or anxiety. If someone turns away to touch their nose, they may be
tense.
● Nose brushing: A light brush with your index finger, even at various
times, indicates psychological discomfort or they feel dubious about
something.
● Covering the nose: When both hands cover the nose, it’s due to surprise,
shock, fear, or in response to a tragedy.
● Pinching the bridge: Pinching the bridge of the nose can mean someone is
in deep thought, they are feeling negative, or something is frustrating them.
● The nose pyramid: Here, an index finger is placed on each side of the
nose, another sign of stress and commonly seen when people are working at
their desks.
● Nose wrinkling: Typically, the nose wrinkles when we smell something
unpleasant. However, if the nose wrinkles and the mouth opens to show
their teeth, this person may be feeling both disgust and anger.
● Deep nose inhale: This is the body’s way of preparing us to deliver bad
news.
Less than a couple of inches farther down, the mouth gives away a smile,
disbelief, flirting, and even manipulation.

Messages From the Lips

The universal and most genuine of smiles is called the Duchenne smile,
which can be recognized by the crow’s feet that accompany it. When a
person gives you a half smile, it’s because they are trying to get away with
something. But that subtle slight smile with eye contact is a sign of
seduction! The closed-lip smile may simply be because someone is shy of
their teeth but if you notice pursed lips and pulled back corners, they may
be trying to cover their anger with happiness.
It’s not just smiling that gives away our emotions. Here are some other cues
to watch out for:
● Pursed lips: Tightly pressed lips or sucking on the lips points to stress and
possibly a person who is trying to control their facial expressions and
emotions.
● The mouth shrug: A brief upside-down smile implies a person has
nothing to say on the subject or that it’s not relevant to them, especially
when combined with a shoulder shrug. In some contexts, it’s a sign of
bravery and humbleness.
● The upside-down smile: This person is unhappy, angry, or feeling low or
depressed.
● Lip biting: If it’s the upper lip, it’s a sign of anxiety. If it’s the lower lip,
it’s sexual playfulness.
● Pouting: Be careful of this potentially manipulative cue as it is used when
people don’t get their way.
● Parting lips: This is an excellent cue to be aware of because it shows that
someone is ready to talk.
● Tongue sticking out: Most of the time, this is a playful gesture when
accompanied by a slight smile. Children will often scrunch their noses
while sticking out their tongues to express dislike. When the tongue is
sticking out to the side, it’s a sign that someone is concentrating.
● Tongue sloshing: The mouth is open and the tongue moves from side to
side. Sometimes it has a calming effect and other times it’s a sign that
someone is thinking before they speak.
● Touching lips: Fingertips on lips are a sign of seduction whereas if the
finger is on the philtrum (the skin above the lip) it points to an anxious, shy
or unconfident person.
● Putting objects in the mouth: These objects provide us with comfort and
security, so it’s often when people are nervous or stressed.
● Grinding teeth: Some grind and others may clench their teeth but this is
typically a sign of nerves or stress. Frequent lip licking is another sign and
may accompany the teeth grinding/clenching.
● Covering the mouth: Although this might be a sign of shock or surprise,
again, look out for the clusters because the person could be trying to hide
something from you.
Finally, pay attention to the air gestures. The majority of people breathe
through their noses so when air is taken in by the mouth, it’s a deliberate
behavior. Small gasps of air could be from frustration or pain. But when
that gasp is larger, people are shocked. A cathartic exhale, when the cheeks
are full of air and the lips are tight, is a sign that stress has passed.
Can You Recognize a Genuine Smile?
Never assume that an exaggerated fake smile is easy to spot. There are
forty-three muscles involved in smiling and just the subtlest of movements
can change the message behind the smile. Furthermore, of the nineteen
different types of smiles, only six happen when we are enjoying ourselves
(Gorvett, 2017). Here are some of the most common types of smiles.
The Duchenne smile
This is the most genuine smile we have and involves many facial features
so that the whole face seems to light up. The muscles around the corners of
the lips are lifted but the muscles around the eyes are also tightened,
creating the crow’s feet on the outer corners. This lifts the cheeks up. This
smile makes you look more authentic, friendly, and trustworthy.
Reward smiles
In interactions where there are positive feelings and/or behaviors, the
muscles in the mouth, cheeks, eyes, and eyebrows engage, which triggers
the release of dopamine, our reward chemical in the brain. The behavior of
the giver or receiver is reinforced.
Social smiles
Here, we begin with one of the smiles that are considered a non-enjoyment
smile. They are the type of smile you would give someone as you walk past
them in the street. They are still friendly but may be a little strained and you
won’t see the same activity in the eye muscles as the previous types.
Dominance smiles
People may use this type of smile when they want to display their status or
confidence. It can also be used in a condescending or boastful way and may
also be seen as a non-verbal threat. In many ways, it is similar to the
Duchenne smile but the lips will be asymmetrical. Other clusters include a
lip curl or an eyebrow raise.
Embarrassed smiles
Those moments when you embarrass yourself could be accompanied by a
smile with tight lips. It’s easier to spot when the head is tilted down and the
gaze looking away, almost in discomfort. There may be some face touching
too.
Polite smiles
Like social smiles, polite smiles aren’t necessarily fake, but they don’t carry
the same warmth and emotional encouragement as Duchenne smiles or
reward smiles.
Polite smiles can be seen in the mouth but not in the eyes, and are used in
situations where a pleasant expression is required but the person still wants
to keep some distance.
Qualifier smiles
A qualifier smile also uses the muscles around the mouth but not the eyes.
The difference between the polite smile and this type is that it is used when
being critical or giving bad news.
Because the smile is often used with the head tilting down or sideways, it
may come across as a smile giving mixed signals, possibly even a
condescending look.
Pan Am smiles
You may be able to imagine from the name that this smile comes from the
flight attendants who lead the way in forced customer service smiles.
You will be able to see the tension in the mouth with the corners almost too
high. If you look closer, the left side will be slightly higher. The teeth are
also exposed.
Lying smiles
This could be one of the more difficult smiles to detect because it uses the
same muscles as the Duchenne smile. The trick is to look for tiny cluster
gestures that are associated with disgust, sadness, or fear.
Flirtatious smiles
A lovely smile to receive, the flirtatious smile is slight because a full-on
Duchenne smile is too much. It will be combined with a head turned to one
side and the chin tilted down a fraction. In some situations, there will be a
suggestive raised eyebrow.
Wistful smiles
The wistful smile is reserved for those moments when we are looking back
in time with longing or regret, and the emotion is often seen in the eyes. It’s
this type of smile that appears when we are sad, grieving, or even in pain.
Aside from the eyes, look for upturned lips and a closed mouth.
Starting with the Person in the Mirror
There is no point in reading these signs and waiting for your next
interaction to try to identify the smile type. Our brains are too full and we
often forget. Instead, take a mirror and think about the following statements
and the emotion they create as you look in it. Go back over this chapter and
check the muscle actions to reinforce your learning.
Begin with a relaxed face so that you have an idea of your baseline.
● Think of the last time you had a great time with a friend or family
member
● Imagine the scene in your favorite emotional film
● Someone has just cut you off on the highway
● Think of one of your creepiest fears… it’s on the floor next to your feet
● The volume of the TV explodes when you turn it on
● Someone has just cracked the worst sexist joke
● You smell that one food that makes your stomach churn
The more you can practice recognizing your own facial expressions and
those subtle changes around the mouth, nose, eyes, and eyebrows, the
quicker you will pick up on what others are telling you through their facial
expressions. This skill will make it easier to look at the entire body to detect
and interpret body language in everyday interactions and situations.
 CHAPTER FOUR—PART TWO: DIGGING DEEPER
INTO SOCIAL CUES: THE BODY

I t’s happened to most of us, a sudden change in someone’s attitude or

demeanor. Perhaps you spoke to your partner thirty minutes before and
everything was fine but when they walk through the door, bags are being
thrown to the ground but they are “fine.” Do you back off and give them
space or probe further and risk getting your head snapped off?
Our body language can work against us if we aren’t fully aware of the
social cues it’s sending out. A colleague in the office may think they are
well-liked but others say they are intimidating and too intense. This would
come as a surprise to the person because they thought their extra firm
handshake was their way of showing enthusiasm. Because this colleague
was unable to read others, they wouldn’t have noticed the signs of
discomfort when their arms waved about a little too much.
And have you ever been to a party or social gathering where you really did
want to just get in there and mingle, to be the one who can talk to anyone,
but your social awkwardness makes you seem distant, even antisocial?
Even though you have mastered the social cues of the face, you now need to
discover how to make sure your body is sending out the same message as
your facial expressions. What’s more, picking up on others’ body
movements can help you determine how to navigate situations for the best
outcomes.
Gestures with Your Hands
Let’s start with some of the more obvious hand gestures, which
unfortunately require more care when dealing with people from different
countries and cultures. The V sign began as a sign of victory during World
War II and is now widely considered a sign of peace. When you flip your
hand around, you may be signaling the number two in Spain but in the US
and Commonwealth countries, it’s as bad as giving someone the middle
finger.
It is similar with the “okay” gesture. When we touch our thumb and index
finger together in a circle, it is often a sign that everything is all right. That
is, unless you are in some parts of Europe when it’s a sign that you are
nothing or worthless and in South America, the same gesture is vulgar.
The thumbs-up and thumbs-down are generally seen as signs of approval or
disapproval. The thumbs-up in Italy, Greece, Iran, and Iraq, would be an
insult.
Hand gestures vary so much from culture to culture, it’s wise not to use
them unless you are 100 percent sure of your audience and that you aren’t
going to offend anyone. At the same time, try not to be offended if someone
uses an inappropriate hand gesture without scanning the room for cultural
differences beforehand.
● Fist Clenching: Tightening the fists is a sign of anger or tension. When
combined with deep breathing, it could be a sign that a person is trying to
calm down.
● Openness: Hands are facing upwards and are at a forty-five-degree angle.
Imagine you are literally laying something on the table. This gesture also
suggests innocence.
● The low steeple: Also known as the Angela Merkel hands, this gesture
shows that someone is listening with confidence.
● The basketball steeple: Palms are facing each other, thumbs are pointing
upwards and there is enough space between your hands for a basketball. It’s
a good gesture to get people on your side.
● The head grab: Both hands are behind the head with the elbows facing
outwards. It’s a display of dominance, importance, and confidence.
● The hand purse: All fingertips of one hand are touching, the palm is
facing upwards, and the hand moves up and down, usually the downward
action occurs with keywords to express something good. The significance
varies across cultures. In Spain, it means a lot of something, in Malta, it’s
used with sarcasm and in France and Belgium, it expresses fear.
● Hands held behind the back: This is an authoritative stance often seen
with law enforcement. When the chest is puffed out too, this person feels
very confident.
● Hiding hands: This can indicate that a person is trying to hide something,
whether that’s behind their back, in pockets, or buried in lap.
● The provoking beckon: We know how to use our hands to encourage
someone in our direction but if the arm is stretched out, the hand is firm
when opening and closing, and there is a direct stare, this person could be
provoking you.
● Hand on the arm: Touching, holding, or massaging the arm indicates
doubt, insecurity, stress, and/or anxiety. In some cases, people will touch
their necks instead.
● Rubbing the chest: This gesture could be a sign that someone is worried
or lacking confidence.
● Flat hand: A flat hand with the palm facing down is a strong signal that
someone should listen. Be careful who you use this with as it may come
across as if you are giving them orders.
● Hands on a table: Relaxed hands imply the person is comfortable but if
you see the fingers pushing down on the table, it’s a sign of lying. Just by
opening your fingers, you can appear more authentic.
● Sitting on hands: It’s a sign of shyness and a closed-off gesture. Try to
keep your hands open and definitely not in your pockets.
Handshakes are an interesting topic as there are two extremes and variations
in between. On the one hand, there is the handshake known as the dead fish.
There is no grip, no energy, and hardly even a shake, often associated with
low self-esteem.
When someone shakes your fingers rather than your whole hand, they may
want to maintain distance. A brief handshake that seems to be brushed off a
little too quickly implies you are imposing on the other person, perhaps in
space or time.
On the other hand, there are handshakes that are simply too much. A person
who wants to display their dominance may try to pull you in a direction
with their handshake. Similarly, if the handshake feels like someone is just
trying to crush your bones, the person is trying to intimidate you. Most
handshakes are vertical. When a person flips the hand so that theirs is
horizontal to yours it’s because they feel superior.
To perfect your handshake, begin by ensuring you don’t have dirty or
sweaty palms. Take the whole hand in your grip without the fingers
creeping over the wrist. A good rule of thumb is to keep your handshake
two to three seconds long and no longer than the introduction. Combine
your handshake with other positive social cues like a warm smile and eye
contact.
Since the pandemic, not everyone has returned to the practice of shaking
hands. You should neither feel obliged to shake hands nor offended if
someone isn’t comfortable shaking yours. You may still find people using
other parts of their bodies for greetings, such as elbows. This leads to how
we communicate with our arms and legs.
The Language of the Limbs
I remember years ago going to a conference where the speaker was very
active with their arms, to the point where I couldn’t help being distracted by
the octopus-like movements.
The arms, shoulders, and especially the legs are often neglected when it
comes to reading body language, but they can give away a lot of
information about how a person is feeling and what they are trying to tell
you, from playful interest to stress relief. Let’s look at these parts of the
body separately.
Your arms
● Crossed arms: Contrary to popular belief, crossed arms aren’t always
negative. This could be a sign of comfort or concentration. People who are
criticizing tend to cross their arms and it could point to defensiveness,
anger, and anxiety. When crossing your arms, try not to keep the upper arms
tight to the body.
● The disguised arm cross: This may include an action like fiddling with a
watch on the other arm or holding an object with your arms crossed. It
could indicate that someone is nervous.
● One-arm cross: It’s like a half-hug offering you some security in times
when you feel nervous. It may also show that someone is feeling defensive,
especially when combined with one-handed arm gestures.
● Dead arms: The arms are stuck to your side either because you aren’t
confident about what to do with them or you are nervous or anxious.
● Arms wide open: Because of the space the arms take up, this is a
dominating gesture. The more heated a discussion, the wider the arms will
go.
● Victory arms: Again, the arms are wide open but the head is normally
tilted up and the facial expression suggests success. The pose is highly
confident.
● Swinging arms: When you swing your arms it can be confidence or you
are feeling youthful and excited.
● Cartoon happiness: Arms are against the body but the palms are flat and
pointing down. People do this when they are extremely happy but they are
trying to conceal this.
● The armpits: Exposed armpits are a sign of confidence but if you cross
your arms and place your hands tightly under your armpits, the
conversation could be stressing you out or embarrassing you.
● The microtouch: Microtouches, like a light touch on the arm or a brief
stroke of a shoulder, are ways of gauging the other person’s level of interest.
Your shoulders
● The single shoulder drop: The dropping and raising of one shoulder is a
flirtatious, playful move more often used by women.
● Shoulders back: The nagging voice of your parents telling you to sit up
straight wasn’t just for your posture. Shoulders back and a straight head
points to a strong and confident stance.
● Rolling shoulders: If you notice someone rolling their shoulders back,
they may have just made a decision. It could also be a competitive gesture
before a challenge, even if that is a fight! Of course, someone may also do
this if they have stiff shoulders.
● Raised shoulders: The slight raising of the shoulders occurs with a
genuine laugh.
● A quick shrug: It’s a genuine sign that somebody doesn’t know.
● A longer shrug: We say longer but this is still typically just a few seconds.
It’s a sign that a person doesn’t understand.
● A half shrug: This is a good one for when a verbal message doesn’t match
the cue. Someone may say something but with a one shoulder shrug, they
aren’t committed to their words.
● Shoulders facing away: The person is disinterested and what’s more, with
a torso twist, they could be looking for an exit!
● Shoulder rubbing: A form of self-massage that could help to relieve stress
and tension.
● Hunched shoulders: We see this a lot today because of excessive mobile
use. That being said, looking down at your phone may also indicate a
feeling of vulnerability, trying to hide something, or depression.
Your legs
● Seated parallel legs: The legs can be crossed or uncrossed but the knees
drop to one side revealing the calf muscle. It’s more common in women and
gives off a strong sex appeal.
● Leg swinging: It’s often associated with playful children but when adults
swing their legs, it’s a strong sign of happiness.
● Manspreading: A territorial cue from men that shows confidence and
dominance. This is a typical pose for informal occasions but should be kept
away from the workplace.
● Seated perch: When a person leans forward and places one hand on their
leg, they are ready to stand up and leave or take action. You can use it to
show someone that the conversation is over without coming across as rude.
● Leg tucking: One leg tucked under the thigh implies comfort (for those
who are flexible). If the knees point in your direction, it’s a sign the person
is interested in what you are saying.
● Crossed legs: Like crossed arms, there are different meanings from
comfort and chemistry to threats, dislike, and a cue to leave. It’s important
to read other body cues to decipher the meaning of crossed legs.
● The figure 4: One ankle rests on a knee while the elevated knee drops
outwards. It’s one of the most dominating seated positions that can also
suggest someone is feeling argumentative or competitive, especially when
the person is holding their ankle.
● Battle stance: Feet are spread shoulder width apart, which takes up more
space and therefore appears dominating. It can also mean that someone is
literally about to take on a battle. For formal occasions, the legs will be
closer together.
● Hands between the legs: Hiding the hands between the legs can point to
insecurity, lowered confidence, or discomfort. If someone moves their
hands between their legs when someone enters the room, it’s a sure sign
they feel dominated by them. Nevertheless, if the hands are in a steeple
position, the person is feeling confident.
● Shaking legs: Someone may be nervous, bored, or have excess energy.
On the other hand, some people shake their legs to warm up or release
tension.
● Wiping your hands on your legs: In case of nerves, people may wipe their
hands on their legs to remove sweat from their hands or to self-soothe.
● Leg touching: Whether it’s stretching, poking, rubbing, or fidgeting with
clothes, it’s normally a sign of discomfort.
● Ankle scratching: Of all the body parts, scratching the ankles gives the
most pleasure (except for when you have a specific itch). Scratching your
ankle can relieve stress.
It’s quite normal for information overload to kick in here and for you to
become overly observant of these body parts. While it’s good to pay
attention, you don’t want to focus too much on the limbs. Firstly, you may
come across as a little strange if you are staring at someone’s legs and,
secondly, you risk missing the clusters.
Clusters are probably more important when it comes to the limbs because
sometimes, our gestures simply come down to comfort. If you are cold, it’s
natural to cross your arms, place them in your lap, or even sit on your
hands. It doesn’t necessarily imply you are hiding something or you are
closed off. A shoulder shrug could be a way to release tension after too long
at the desk.
Nevertheless, you will be keen to practice your new skills. My advice
would be to start with those you are closest to. This way, if you are caught
observing their every move, it will be easier to explain your interest. As you
are doing so, be sure to scan the entire body to pick up on some of the other
body cues not mentioned so far.
Other Body Cues to Look For
In social situations, it’s always useful to know how engaged a person is in
the conversation. This information will enable you to quickly change a
conversation if your audience is lacking interest. It will also give you the
chance to pick up on cues coming from others that show you it’s safe to dig
a little deeper into the conversation because your audience is relaxed and
comfortable.
Someone who is interested will be looking towards you and their body will
also be turned in your direction. They may nod in agreement, tilt their head
to one side, and even lean in closer. Of course, you should also look out for
the Duchenne smile for authentic interest.
On the contrary, if a person is facing away from you, they may be looking
for a quick exit. Constantly checking their phone suggests a person is
distracted. While they obviously aren’t engaged in the conversation, look
for signs of anxiety in case there is a genuine problem. Otherwise, they may
just be bored. If you don’t pick up on these cues, the other person may sigh
deeply or yawn.
All these social cues, from facial expressions to signs of boredom, can be
supported by the overall physical form of a person and their posture.
What Posture Reveals about a Person
Posture can be tricky, mainly because due to a sedentary lifestyle, not
everyone has good posture. Our posture is the way we stand, sit, and move
based on our joints, and a good posture is one that puts the least amount of
strain on the joints.
In terms of reading people’s posture, we are looking for signs of being open
or closed. An open posture is one where the trunk of the body is exposed.
Imagine that all of your vital organs are in the trunk of your body, so having
this open shows comfort, trust, and willingness.
This open posture can also be seen when a person is sitting. They will be
sitting more upright rather than being hunched over. A hunched position,
sometimes with elbows on their legs, could be another sign of boredom or
indifference. Hunching combined with crossed arms or legs indicates
hostility or possibly anxiety.
Finally, keep an eye on the position of the head. Someone could be making
a strong effort to improve their posture and may seem open but with their
head hanging, or they are moving indecisively, in which case low self-
esteem could be the problem. When the chin is parallel to the ground, we
can see that a person is feeling confident but again, once that chin goes too
high, someone could be looking down on you.
Let’s finish this chapter with a real-world example of reading people and
what we can decipher from this. While many of us are interested in the lives
of one celebrity or another, body language experts have been going crazy
over Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, especially after their Oprah
interview and, more recently, their Netflix series.
During the Oprah interview, Meghan appeared calm and very much
composed. She made eye contact while answering questions but a split
second before answering, she would turn her glance away as she thought
carefully about her answers. There was a moment when she flipped her
hand over and opened her palm, suggesting she was being honest.
However, when Oprah asked Meghan a question about her past, she rubbed
her leg. What could this tell you?
Harry doesn’t always come across with such ease or confidence. We can see
Harry fidgeting with his wedding ring. If you really pay attention to when
he holds Meghan’s hand, you can see occasions when his knuckles turned
white, a sign of his tension.
Skip forward to the Netflix trailers and Meghan is once again confident as
she retells the story of her first meeting with the late Queen. It seems
innocent to joke about the fact that you have to curtsy when meeting your
future grandmother-in-law but for many, it felt like Meghan was mocking
the tradition.
Harry looks to the ground, followed by a rather stern poker face as he
watches his wife. You can see the tension in his lips and the color in his
cheeks change as signs of embarrassment. The left side of his face shows
signs of contempt with a slight tension of the jaw. Although there is a slight
smile, considering the clusters, do you think this is genuine?
Developing Your Power of Observation
This is your task for the next few days. Whether it is your friends or family
or watching interviews like those with Harry and Meghan, there are ample
opportunities to observe others and look out for these details. You may not
be able to accurately identify them all right away, and that’s okay. It’s great
that you can now spot these tiny movements and go back over this chapter
to check what you have seen.
In addition to the face and body, there are more indicators of what someone
wants to convey, such as the tone of their voice, their proximity, and even
the way they touch you.
 CHAPTER FOUR—PART THREE: DIGGING
DEEPER INTO SOCIAL CUES: OTHER THINGS TO
LOOK OUT FOR

I love the power of observation simply because of how much you can
learn. During a meet and greet years ago, I remember watching a group
of colleagues discussing the way forward on a particular project. A few
times, the entire group would be talking and nothing was being achieved.
There was one member of the group who would just step into the center of
the circle and step back again, causing everyone else to stop talking and
giving him the chance to speak without interrupting the others. It was so
incredibly subtle that the others in the group didn’t even notice, but it was
far more effective than raising his voice.
So far, we have looked at dozens of movements across the body and tiny
changes in the face that can help us read people, but none of that helped
Milly understand why she couldn’t maintain a relationship.
Milly was a good-looking woman, smart and funny, and was good at
making others laugh with interesting anecdotes. But behind that, there was a
lot of tension that could be seen in her eyes and her shoulders. Her voice
was pitched too high and people who spent significant amounts of time with
Milly felt anxious and uncomfortable from this underlying tension.
So, in this final part of the chapter, we will cover other social cues that may
be missed but can still tell us information about a person—even information
they may not want us to know!
What Is Paralanguage?
Paralanguage describes the physical mechanisms of our voice and the
variations of our voice that combine with our speech to deliver the message
with more clarity. This aspect is so important that studies have shown things
like age can be determined by listening to different people. More
surprisingly, people in the study were able to accurately guess a speaker’s
job based on their paralanguage (Edwards, n.d.).
Essentially, paralanguage is the sounds we make that aren’t words. This can
include a gasp in shock, a squeal in excitement, a “hmm” when we are
thinking, and how we change our tone or emphasis.
Let’s dive straight into our list of paralanguage cues:
● Upspeak: The pitch of someone’s voice rises, often at the end of a
sentence. It can sound as if a statement becomes a question and shows a
lack of confidence.
● Humor: Laughing is a form of receptive behavior that creates a
connection with others, and develops and maintains healthy relationships.
● Verbal back channels: These are the “oohs” and “aahs” in our
conversation and are often accompanied by gestures like head nodding and
tilting, and raised eyebrows to show interest. Without the gestures, these
sounds could be fillers that express discomfort.
● Moaning: This sound should be read in the context of the situation. A
moan of sexual pleasure isn’t the same as a moan from someone who has to
do the laundry.
● Phonetic convergence: The speech rate, tone, and volume of two people
in a conversation become similar. It’s a sign that they are interested or even
attracted to you.
● Accent and dialect: This gives us more information about a person’s
cultural background. It is important to be aware of accent bias, as not
recognizing an accent causes the brain to work harder and we may not
believe the person as much.
● Mumbling: More often, people mumble when they feel awkward or shy,
or they are talking faster than normal. There are occasions when it’s just a
sign of laziness.
● Scoffing: This short puff of air that sounds like laughter could be a sign of
amazement, but it may also come from someone displaying their
superiority.
● Stuttering: People may stutter when they are extremely nervous or
suffering from social anxiety.
● Speed talking: Nerves cause an adrenaline rush and people start to speak
faster; in some situations, this could be a sign of social anxiety. If someone
speeds through an apology, it may suggest a lack of sincerity.
● Slower speech: People who speak slower than normal and pause for
longer between words could be feeling depressed.
● Non-stop talking: When a person starts rambling, especially someone in a
position of authority, it may be because you or your opinions aren’t
significant. On the other hand, this is also a sign of someone in shock.
● Lack of vocal enthusiasm: Aside from not being enthusiastic, people can
speak this way if they are stressed or anxious, or perhaps they are feeling
vulnerable. In a few situations, it may be a sign of someone not telling the
truth.
● Tutting: When people disapprove of something or are frustrated, they
may click their tongues. If you try it now, you may notice it’s hard to tut
without shaking your head or lowering your eyebrows.
● Vocal cadence: The flow of your voice, the rhythm sounds, and pauses
are part of vocal cadence. A slower cadence suggests someone is thinking
or speaking the truth.
Let’s dig a little deeper into the voice. Intonation is the way we change the
pitch of our voices. In English, we often use this with things like stressing
words and rhythm to add meaning. Natural intonation prevents our voices
from sounding robotic or monotone.
When the voice pitch rises, it could be because the speaker is curious. You
may notice this when someone asks a question and the last word is a tone
higher. It can also suggest that a person is feeling submissive or they are
lying.
Lower intonation emits a sense of authority. Someone may be coming to a
conclusion or stating facts. Researchers at MIT have also discovered that
both men and women lower the pitch of their voices when they are talking
to someone they like (Barker, 2016).
If you notice that a person carries out the whole conversation in a monotone
voice, it’s a good indicator that they are tired or feeling down. This person
may also speak more quietly, however, a quiet voice can also indicate a lack
of engagement, shyness, or anxiety.
On the other hand, a loud voice can also be a sign of shyness or anxiety.
This is because a person may increase the volume of their voice to
overcompensate for their anxiety. Loudness may also suggest that a person
is struggling to feel heard and they need to raise their voice to get their
point across.
When it comes to volume, don’t forget to go back to a person’s baseline.
Some people are biologically wired to speak louder. Mediterranean
speakers are known to speak louder because they are more used to spending
time outdoors. Nevertheless, if a person is standing next to you, there is no
real need to raise your voice! And this leads us to what distance in our
interactions means.
Getting Up Close and Personal with Proxemics
The impact of your body language is greatly affected by the distance you
are from your audience. This distance is known as proxemics. Before
looking into the four principal proxemic zones, it’s necessary to appreciate
cultural differences.
Personal space can vary from country to country. In the United States, the
socially accepted distance for people in a close relationship is 1.6 feet; for a
personal acquaintance 2.3 feet; and for a stranger, 3.1 feet. Pop over to
Saudi Arabia, the distance in a close relationship is double at 3.2 feet. An
acquaintance may stand 3.5 feet away whereas the difference for strangers
is less significant at 4.2 feet (Erickson, 2017).
What’s more, people who live in the city are generally more comfortable
being closer because of the reduced space in their environment.
The closest of the four zones is the intimate zone, starting with physical
contact up to around eighteen inches. As you would imagine, this zone is
comfortable for those in an intimate relationship or looking for intimacy.
It’s a safe distance for family members and close friends too.
People who play team sports are more likely to remain in this zone both
during the game and off the field/court. You may have noticed in the
movies that during interrogations, law enforcement will move into the
intimate zone as a technique to provoke anxiety and put pressure on a
suspect.
When standing in a range of one to four feet, you are in a person’s personal
space, which is the ideal distance to build relationships. This is a bit of a
tricky zone because of the three feet of difference. The closer the
relationship, the shorter the distance.
Generally speaking, women tend to stay closer within this personal space.
Taller people are more likely to be accused of invading personal space. This
doesn’t mean they are physically closer, but their height makes them appear
more dominating. Too much distance within the personal space may lead to
emotional disconnect.
It’s crucial to pay attention to the cues that signal a person is uncomfortable.
Closer distances are more commonly associated with warmth, empathy, and
understanding, but a few inches past a person’s limit and they could quickly
become uncomfortable.
The social zone is approximately four feet to twelve feet, and it’s where
most interactions in business meetings and social events start off. It’s also a
comfortable space for when you stop and ask a stranger for directions.
This zone is a good place to begin, but it’s not a zone that you can stay in.
In order to build more rapport, once you notice other people relaxing, it’s
time to start moving closer, all the while keeping an eye out for signs that
you may be moving too fast.
Finally, public distance is used to describe the typical distance of strangers
with no intention of engaging in social interactions, around twelve feet to
twenty-five feet. It’s a good distance to keep if you don’t want to get
involved in small talk.
What Your Clothes Tell Others
It goes without saying that dressing for the occasion shows you have taken
the time and made an effort. It would be disrespectful to arrive at a job
interview looking like you had just come from the beach. Casual clothes
indicate that someone is comfortable, but casual clothes in the wrong
situation can quickly lead to discomfort.
What you choose to wear can also increase your confidence. It doesn’t have
to be a pair of heels or a power suit. Your favorite jeans can be enough to
make you feel good about yourself. Aside from the type of clothing, color
plays an important role.
According to color psychology, different colors highlight certain personality
traits:
● Red: It’s a color that shows passion and energy as well as extroversion.
Strong emotions can also lead to aggressive traits.
● Pink: The color of love without the aggressive side, pink also expresses
kindness and is completely against cruelty of any kind.
● Orange: It is worn by people who feel sociable, happy, and confident in
groups.
● Yellow: This color is a sign of logic, consistency, and the ability to
concentrate, even though they may be a little shy.
● Green: With a strong connection to nature, green clothes point to people
who care about the environment. They strive for balance and are mindful of
different areas of their life.
● Blue: Blue brings about a sense of peace but people who like to wear blue
are often quite witty. Navy blue shows security and the truth.
● Purple: In the past, this was more often associated with royalty. Today,
it’s worn by creative and insightful people who are charming but potentially
temperamental.
● White: The classic color of goodness, purity, and innocence.
● Black: Another classic color that empowers people, it’s stylish, elegant,
and authoritative.
Try not to overthink colors too much. Color psychology has been well-
researched, but don’t forget that some people choose clothing based on
favorites. Some people prefer wearing black because it is slimming and not
because they feel they are in control.
Apart from clothes, we also have accessories. Going back to black, to wear
a black outfit with no other color may make you come across as cold or
unapproachable, which is why accessories help to break up a color. Bright,
bold jewelry like big bangles and dangly earrings are often active and
bubbly. Jewelry can also let others know about religious beliefs or values.
Peering over glasses may remind you of your schoolteacher and the
judgmental looks. Wearing sunglasses indoors is not only unnecessary, but
could be seen as disrespectful. As soon as those sunglasses are moved to on
top of the head, a person seems young and playful.
And it’s incredible how much of an impact lipstick has. No lipstick makes
women look more serious. Pastel colors point to a person who is career-
focused whereas red is more often used for attractiveness. Even briefcases
matter. Smaller briefcases suggest a more organized person as they take less
work home.
So, style and fashion aren’t just about what is popular at the time!
What Does Mirroring Mean?
The technical term for mirroring others is limbic synchrony, and it begins
from the moment our hearts start to beat as they mimic the beat of our
mother’s heartbeat. It actually comes from a set of special nerve cells in the
brain, mirror neurons. These neurons are why we copy body language,
facial expressions, and speech of people we like or are interested in.
Mirroring can help show engagement when you match another person’s
energy.
Examples of mirroring include yawning when someone else yawns or
crossing your legs after someone in front of you does the same. You may
even find yourself ordering the same food as a friend or date in a restaurant.
This type of social cue is a way of connecting with others, picking up on
signs of comfort, and creating trust.
Haptics and Keeping Your Hands in Check
Haptics is an incredibly powerful part of non-verbal communication and
refers to how we use our sense of touch. Not only is it the first sense we
develop, but it’s also the most sophisticated. There have been links between
a lack of human touch with depression and eating disorders.
When you rest your hand on someone’s shoulder or arm, it is often seen as a
sign of comfort and support. Depending on the relationship, a step up from
a resting hand is a hug. A pat on the shoulder can show appreciation,
whereas a tap on the shoulder is more commonly used to get someone’s
attention.
Some touching can be playful and flirtatious. The touch may last a little
longer than usual with eye contact and a smile. In this case, the touch is
often reciprocated. At the other end of the scale, hands and touch can be
used as a way to control others. We have seen how a handshake can be used
to aim people in a certain direction; a hand gently pushing someone toward
a direction or object can have the same effect.
Remember what you have learned about cultures, distance, and how touch
can depend on a person’s background. It is also true that some touches are
accidental. If someone brushes up against you in the street or in a store (and
there are no other playful signs) it was probably just an accidental touch.
In the early days of reading people, it really is normal to look for certain
details, whether that’s an eyebrow raise or a movement with the arms. All
the information you have learned in these three parts is like wiping
steamed-up glasses. Suddenly, you can see so much more and it’s a lot to
take in.
Putting All the Puzzle Pieces Together
As soon as you start getting confident in understanding individual
meanings, don’t forget the importance of piecing it all together to see the
bigger picture in context. To only focus on facial expressions can lead to
misinterpreting non-verbal communication.
Pop onto YouTube and search for interviews—they don’t have to be very
long, just a few minutes each. Try to watch interviews with a diverse range
of people, men and women, different cultural backgrounds, and different
purposes (political speeches, comedy acts, etc.). Begin by looking for
specific non-verbal cues before looking for the clusters. Are you able to
spot any universal cues? Do you feel like their behavior matches the
message they are trying to get across?
To help with context and reading clusters, the following chapter takes a
look at specific situations that are familiar to all of us so that you can better
understand the social cues and behavior.
 CHAPTER FIVE: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER:
SPECIFIC SITUATIONS USING SOCIAL CUES

W eunfortunately,
have literally looked at how to read people from top to bottom, but
this doesn’t necessarily imply the information is burned
into our brains. By taking what we have discovered so far and putting that
into context within social situations, it reinforces our learning.
Like much of our interactions, when it comes to conversations, you may
think that you are getting the elements right. When researchers at Harvard
University invited 252 strangers to participate in a conversational
experiment, they discovered that only 2 percent of the 126 conversations
ended when both participants wanted. What’s more, 69 percent of
participants wanted their conversations to end sooner than they did
(O’Grady, 2021).
It’s quite scary to think of how few of our conversations actually go as well
as we would like. Without the ability to understand social cues in specific
situations, there is a great risk that you are chatting away and the other
person is trying to find ways to leave! Let’s look at what people are trying
to tell you with their body language during conversations.
When Someone Wants to End a Conversation
The more obvious signs that we have covered are fidgeting, checking their
phone, or moving their body toward the direction of an exit. Remember,
this could be something highly visible like a twist in the entire lower body,
or it could be just the feet changing direction, which is enough of a sign for
one person or a whole group.
If someone is sitting, you may notice the “starter’s position,” where
someone holds on to the armrests of a chair or places their hands on their
legs as if to get up. When a person turns their chest toward an object of
interest, say their computer, it’s a signal that they don’t have time to keep
talking. If standing, they may take an actual step back to signal the end of a
conversation.
Depending on the culture, reducing eye contact can bring a conversation to
an end. On the other hand, some social cues are increased. For example,
someone can increase the use of nodding, giving a sense of urgency to
finish talking. If you notice more “hmms” and “ahas” getting louder, their
patience for the conversation could be running out.
Others may get more frustrated that a conversation isn’t ended. You will be
able to see this with rather dramatic hand movements like slapping thighs.
Slightly less explosive signs will be playing with artifacts that are nearby.
Now that you are more tuned in to social cues, one of the most surprising
reactions you may come across is complete non-responsiveness. It’s not that
they just stop responding verbally, you will also not be able to read any
social cues as they aren’t giving you any. This is often due to the fact that
their mind has started to wander rather than engage in the conversation.
When Someone Is Interested
Starting with the interested cluster, you want to check that the upper body is
leaning towards you and there are no barriers between you, including folded
arms. The lack of barriers will continue with the lower body, making sure
the legs show openness. Both feet will be pointing in your direction and
there will be no fidgeting of the feet.
There is often a lot of mirroring when a person is interested in the
conversation. Rather than checking their phone, they will not be drawn
from the conversation by any distractions. They will also refrain from
interrupting unless it’s with vocal signs of interest like “ohh” and “yes.”
Nevertheless, if you ask questions and the response is only “yes” or other
one-word answers, the conversation has pretty much ended right there. A
more complete answer, followed by detailed, specific questions about you is
a good indicator they want the conversation to keep going instead of just
being polite.
When it comes to the face, there may be less blinking and the eyebrows
could be drawn together, not so much that they look confused, but enough
to show you they are listening. Pupils may dilate but a positive sign is the
brightness in their eyes. A head tilt to one sign indicates they are curious
about what you are telling them.
The general level of enthusiasm is something to keep an eye out for.
Decreased hand gestures or even none points to lower energy levels and
therefore, less enthusiasm. On the other hand, over-exaggerated arm and
hand movements make the interest seem less believable.
The social cues we looked at in the previous section are also indicators that
a person is not interested in you. Also, watch out for people looking at a
clock frequently or rubbing their wrist that is bare of a watch.
When Someone Wants to Change the Subject
What about when you are getting mixed signals? It seems like they are
showing all the signs that they are interested in you but they aren’t engaged
in the conversation. It’s essential that you look out for social cues that
suggest a person is uncomfortable or bored with the conversation. So, for
example, their feet or legs could be pointing in your direction, but there
seems to be less eye contact.
A good sign that it isn’t you, just the conversation, is when the listener
brings another person into the conversation. This third person can bring a
new perspective to the conversation or even change the topic completely.
Instead of another person, they may mention another external observation, a
passing vehicle, or a comment about another person in sight. Comments
like this are often because they don’t feel like you are paying them enough
attention.
Verbal cues are easier to pick up on, but it’s worth paying attention to what
they are saying and when. If you are obviously upset and looking for
comfort as a person tries to change the subject, this could be seen as just
cruel.
Other people will show signs of wanting to change the subject because they
are uncomfortable with the topic. You can learn more about this in the
section on feeling awkward. A certain topic may seem “normal” for you but
it could be a trigger for them. So, it’s up to you to read these signs and
change the subject so they don’t feel uncomfortable.
On the other hand, if you feel the need to change the conversation, try to do
so in a way that doesn’t highlight your boredom. If the topic is boring, you
may want to ask how they got involved or interested in that particular
subject. This is more of a natural way to change the subject than phrases
like “Anyway, how about…”
When Someone Wants to Say No
There is a right way and a wrong way to say no and for many, it is easier to
say yes because they don’t have the confidence to say no assertively. As an
in-between, we have what is called a “soft no,” one that comes from body
language rather than an outright no. It starts with a head shake and if this
isn’t enough, other parts of the body need to be engaged.
A clear sign is blocking. If a coworker places a folder or a bag in between
the two of you, it’s an attempt to say no. They may also button up or zip up
their jacket. Other barriers would include crossing arms or legs. As with
interest or a lack of it, turning the torso away and taking a step back means
no.
Keep a close eye on hand gestures when it comes to receiving the message
no. You may notice that fists are clenched or hands and arms will be kept
close to the body with little movement.
Eye contact falls onto the things we like. Imagine you offer someone a
piece of fruit or a donut. They say no to the donut but their gaze doesn’t
shift from it!
A soft no can also be verbal. Rather than an outright no, people will use
phrases like “I would love to go but I have plans already,” or any similar
sentences that express interest and are followed by a “but.”
When Someone Is into You
If your confidence is low, you may not notice the social cues to suggest
someone is interested in you. Not only may you struggle to spot the signs,
but you may feel a little out of practice flirting, so as much as someone may
give you these indications, you can also use them to express your attraction
to someone.
Mirroring is one key social cue that indicates attraction, along with eye
contact and smiling. Eye contact may last longer and be more intense
without a sense of discomfort. Their body will be facing toward you and if
you notice their belly expanding, it’s because they are feeling confident and
more interested.
When someone wants to make a good impression, they will preen
themselves to increase their physical appearance. Look out for actions like
straightening clothes or fixing collars, picking lint off clothes, and
reapplying makeup.
Space is crucial when it comes to physical and emotional attraction. The
intimate zone is less than eighteen inches, so in the early stages of
interactions, a person may hover around this eighteen-inch mark,
occasionally getting closer to judge your reaction.
Someone who is into you will also remove physical barriers. You will
notice this, for example, in a restaurant when someone moves the
condiments to one side. This way, there is a clear path and the ability to
perhaps hold hands.
Flirty touching can differ between the genders, but these will be subtle
enough to almost be considered accidental touches. For women, it could be
touching an arm lightly whereas a man could place his hand on your lower
back.
There are some other differences between the genders. Women can expose
their necks. It’s a significant part of the body not only for the release of
pheromones but also for its sensitivity. Women may touch their hair or lips
and they may carry out the “coquette look” when the chin is tilted down and
they look up through the eyelashes.
Men are more inclined to take up personal space like the classic stretching
the arm around another person’s shoulders. This could also be just resting a
hand on the back of someone's chair. His voice will become deeper but
instead of touching his neck, he will rub his chin or the back of his neck to
release pheromones.
When Someone Feels Awkward
There is no need to panic if someone is showing signs of awkwardness,
because it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you or they don’t want
to be with you. It could be something about the conversation or even the
location that is causing their unease. But part of reading people is about
doing what you can to improve communication, so you will have the ability
to adapt your body language to make the other person feel less awkward.
You will probably be able to guess that backing away and blocking the torso
are indications that a person feels awkward or exposed. In general, you may
notice that the person tries to make themselves appear smaller.
Pay close attention to people who are finding ways to self-soothe. Feeling
awkward can increase levels of stress and anxiety. Self-soothing acts will
vary from person to person but could include foot twitching, fiddling with
jewelry, fidgeting, or rubbing parts of the body like the neck or arm.
Sometimes, this can be confused with signs of boredom, so look out for
unsteady eye contact or any flinching.
Two interesting indicators of awkwardness are related to blood flow to the
face. We know how blushing can be caused by embarrassment, but blood
flows to the ears first, so it could indicate that someone is out of their
comfort zone.
After this, you may notice someone scratching their nose. Increased blood
flow in the blood vessels in the nose leads to some people scratching their
nose more.
While we all tend to have a dominant side, an asymmetrical stance or not
being centered can give off an impression of awkwardness. This is often
coupled with shifting weight from one hip to another, so much so that a
person appears to be rocking.
When Someone Is Angry or Irritated
As one of our strongest emotions, it’s important not to misread the signs of
anger by not looking at the bigger picture and those clusters of indicators.
Foot tapping could be self-soothing, fist clenching may be another person’s
way of rejecting a person’s romantic advances. When combined, it’s a
strong indicator that someone is angry.
Another example of the bigger picture is body blocking and crossing arms.
We have seen that these social cues can have many meanings. However,
when these gestures are met with tension across the face, the person may be
becoming irritated.
But there is more to it than this. Imagine these clusters but with different
body positions. If someone is showing these social cues and they are facing
you, it’s a pretty good assumption that their anger is aimed at you. If their
torso, body direction, and feet are facing a different direction, you could be
taking the verbal hit, but it’s not actually about you.
Take care with any changes in breathing. Flared nostrils, sighing, and gasps
of exasperation point towards irritation, and the changes in oxygen levels
can lead to redness in the face, hence the expression to make someone’s
blood boil.
Finally, keep an eye out for rigid movements and a rigid posture. Pent-up
anger can cause the extremities to tense up and appear rigid. The shoulders
could be raised too.
Always take care when anger cues go beyond what is considered normal or
where you don’t feel comfortable. Sudden jerky movements that are
intended to cause fear, kicking things, throwing objects, and door slamming
are things that you do not have to tolerate. Let the person know that you
will return when they have calmed down so you can finish the conversation.
When Someone Wants to Speak
Most people are aware that outright interruptions are rude, so instead, body
language and social cues can be a less aggressive way for someone to have
their turn in a conversation. However, if the listener doesn’t take the hint,
even body language can appear aggressive.
Beginning with the most subtle, if you notice someone opening and then
closing their mouth as if they are stopping themselves from speaking, it’s a
sure sign they are waiting for the right moment. You may also notice them
shifting their position, leaning in more. As for paralinguistics, listen out for
throat clearing, a sound often made before someone wants to speak.
The hands are one of the biggest indicators that someone wants to speak.
Sometimes, the hands will move forwards. It may seem like they are trying
to reach out for something. In other situations, the hands may rise up to
around shoulder level with the palm facing outwards. This goes back to the
childhood habit of raising hands in order to speak.
You may notice that along with hands raising, the palms will be slightly
tilted forward and there could be a minuscule pushing action as if the
person is pushing you to stop talking, similar to how we would use our
hands to tell someone to calm down.
When a person’s patience begins to wear thin, the hand gestures can
become more aggressive. Instead of the palm slightly tilted, it will be
straight out as a literal stop sign. The other person may clench their fist or
show other signs of irritation.
When Someone Is Being Flirtatious
If you are talking to a woman who may be attracted to you and there seems
to be more blinking than usual, combined with a genuine smile, she is
probably being flirtatious. This is often matched with a lowering of the gaze
and raised eyebrows.
When it comes to her lips, she may lick them. There are two reasons for this
—wet lips look glossy and more attractive. Also, an increased heart rate,
because of attraction, can cause dry mouth.
There are some female signs of flirting that are part of the cluster but can
mean other things if carried out individually. Hips facing towards you or her
wrists upwards are both indications of fertility. Traditionally, long hair was
a sign of fertility too, so if her hair is worn down, it’s a good sign.
On the other hand, a man won’t normally lick his lips when feeling flirty.
Instead, it’s more common to see lips apart or longer eye contact. Their
gaze may fall up and down over your body as they take in all of your body.
As with eye contact, this is only flirtatious until it becomes creepy.
In terms of posture, a man’s ultimate goal is to display his strength and
masculinity. They could stand with their legs slightly more open, very
upright, and shoulders back in order to take up more space.
Flared nostrils are an interesting social cue. We have seen how flared
nostrils allow for more oxygen and could help prepare the body for a fight.
However, from a biological point of view, flared nostrils also allow a man
to take in more pheromones. This may also be the reason for parted lips.
When Someone Feels Ashamed
The majority of social cues that point to someone feeling ashamed are
related to attempting to hide. Starting with the eyes, the person will avoid
eye contact and probably spend more time looking down. As well as a lack
of eye contact, you may notice the person’s gaze darting all over the place
because of their strong feelings of embarrassment and shame.
Be careful not to confuse shame with guilt because the signals from the
eyes can be similar, such as a lack of eye contact and looking down.
Feelings of guilt can be differentiated from shame by other social cues like
rubbing the hands, increased breathing, and/or tugging at clothes, especially
the collar.
When the shame is too much for them, they may use a hand to cover their
eyes or even both hands to hide their whole face. If you look at their neck,
you may see how it seems to be shorter in an attempt to bury their head in
shame. In order to take up less space, it’s possible that their back will be
more curved instead of straight.
For some, the shame and social anxiety can be so much they will avoid any
type of social interaction or keep it to an absolute minimum.
Chloe had had a string of unsuccessful dates and her confidence had hit an
all-time low. She felt like a complete failure despite having a successful
career and her own home. She had a good social life, which made her think
that it wasn’t because of her lack of personality.
It wasn’t until Chloe took some body language advice from a friend that she
began to realize how she had been approaching her dates wrong.
Chloe thought that to impress her dates, she needed to show her confidence
but in this attempt, certain parts of her body were expressing confidence but
one of the most important areas was completely lacking—she was making
no eye contact. Her confident hand gestures without other signs only looked
erratic.
In hindsight, looking back over those past dates, she thought she must have
come across as uninterested, not listening, and somewhat flustered.
Ironically, this was the opposite of how she felt.
On her next date, Chloe made a conscious effort to work on one thing, just
her eye contact. Fortunately, this was enough to secure a second date where
she could actually practice more flirtatious social cues. As soon as her body
language matched the message she wanted to get across, dating was never
an issue again!
Time to Stop Depending on Your Words
Now is the time for you to practice what you have learned in this chapter.
Rather than interrupting someone with words, send out non-verbal cues and
see what effect it has. If you want to change a conversation or leave, use
your body and look for signs they have understood your message.
Reading one’s social cues when you’re in face-to-face communication is
hard enough—reading them through text or email is even harder. However,
it’s still possible to take the guesswork out of written communication. Read
on to find out.
 CHAPTER SIX: READING THE TONE OF A TEXT
OR EMAIL

S ince the rise of digital technology, which grew significantly during the
pandemic and remote work, a lot of our communication has moved
online. It makes sense that experts began to appreciate the importance of
tone of voice when it comes to written communication.
It’s a mistake to assume our words stand alone. True, written
communication is another method to get a message across but even though
there are only words, the reader can still pick up on tons of happiness,
excitement, and even annoyance and anger. What’s more, without the
support of body language, it’s even easier for written communication to be
misinterpreted.
Aside from spelling and grammar checks, Grammarly now has the option to
analyze texts and detect the tone. Sophisticated machine learning allows the
software to screen through word choice, phrasing, punctuation, and even
how we use capital letters to indicate how a reader could interpret the text.
By selecting a style of delivery, Grammarly makes suggestions so you can
make your written communication more or less formal, more creative, or
more academic. By taking the time to understand the tone of your written
text, you can help the reader understand better what you are trying to say
and avoid various issues because of misunderstandings.
What Is Tone in Text or Email?
The tone of our written communication comes from the above-mentioned
features like word choice, punctuation, and capitalization. It also includes
how we open and close a text, the length of sentences, and the graphics we
add to messages.
The first thing to have in mind with the tone of the text is that not everyone
is in the same emotional place as we are. If you think about when you sit
down to message friends or family with an update, it’s when you are calm
and without a ton of things you need to get done.
On the other hand, when they receive the message, they may be stressed.
This will change the way they interpret your tone. When you are in the
same location as the receiver of your message, as well as having your body
language and tone of voice, they will experience the same environment,
whether that’s anxiety and pressure, happiness, or anything in between.
The next issue we have is when it comes to the response. Research carried
out by Microsoft and Klaus showed that people expect a reply to an email
within twenty-four hours (Sevilla, 2020) but when it came to customer
service and sales, it was as little as five to ten minutes. Now, if a person
reads a message and doesn’t respond, that leaves the writer getting
themselves worked up and assuming they have done something wrong.
Because it’s human nature to think the worst and we are wired toward
negativity, if a written message is rather ambiguous, the reader will
automatically look for the negative emotions and intentions in the message.
Let’s put this into context. You send a message to your partner suggesting
dinner out that night. You have had a good day and you don’t want the
goodness to end just yet. They could reply with “yeah” or “Yes!” Both
mean the same, but you can interpret the two in very different ways.
If you say the two words out loud, you can hear in your own tone that
“yeah” lacks enthusiasm compared to “Yes!” The lack of energy makes you
feel like they would rather do something else. There is also a lack of
capitalization, making you wonder how much effort it would have taken
them to type this short word correctly. Finally, the exclamation mark after
“yes” expresses a strong feeling.
If you can get that much from just one short word, imagine how much you
can get from a full text.
Common Indicators in Text or Email
It’s hard to believe that emoticons have been around since the early 80s.
The first emoticons used punctuation symbols to create a smiley face or a
sad face. Since then, there have been massive developments and today we
have hundreds of emojis to choose from that can change the tone of written
communication.
Research into the use of emoticons and emojis has also increased. Those
who are more expressive in both face-to-face communication and written
communication tend to use more emojis. Women are more frequent users of
these little images than men are.
So how powerful are emoticons and emojis in written communication?
When neuroscientists looked at the brain activity of people looking at
different emojis, activity was seen in the area that processes emotions. At
the same time, there is no activity in the area of the brain that processes the
recognition of human faces. When we receive an emoticon or emoji, we
don’t relate it to the sender’s face, but more to the emotion they wish to
convey.
Understanding this significance, companies like Meta, which owns
WhatsApp and Facebook, have now added features that allow us to respond
to a message with just an emoji. You don’t have to write about how happy
or angry you feel when a symbol says it all.
GIFs take emojis to a whole new level. GIF is short for Graphics
Interchange Format and is a series of images in a file. Not only can GIFs
express emotions and actions, but there are also some people who are able
to have a full communication exchange with only GIFs, and the messages
are accurately interpreted. In most cases, GIFs are used like emojis but for
more impact.
Aside from these images, there is still the use of paralanguage in written
communication. This may seem hard to get your head around considering
paralanguage relates to the sounds we make, but in texts and emails, these
sounds can be translated.
Many of our spoken sounds and fillers, the “ummms” and “arrhhhs” are
typed and even extended for emphasis. How many Hs do we really need on
the end of “ohhh”?
Another powerful example is our use of capital letters. Look at the
following sentences a teenager sent their parent about their sibling and
household chores.
1. I TOLD him he had to do it.
2. I told HIM he had to do it.
3. I told him HE had to do it.
The use of capitals works in the same way you would use intonation in a
spoken sentence to place emphasis on a particular word. Remember,
messages that are all in capitals can be seen as aggressive.
On the other hand, punctuation adds silent intonation to our texts and
emails. Whether it’s a comma, a question mark, or an ellipsis, these provide
pauses for the reader and clarity to a message.
Despite strict grammar rules about the use of punctuation, research has
shown that one of the most commonly used punctuation marks, the period
or full stop, shows insincerity. The exclamation mark is actually a sign that
comes across as more heartfelt.
Virtual Social Cues
Before you start to analyze and possibly overthink each piece of written
communication, there are some things to keep in mind. For example, as
with body language and verbal communication, you should have a baseline
for people to understand how they would normally communicate in writing.
Likewise, some of our virtual cues can have more than one meaning. It’s
important not to place all your focus on these cues but instead, to take in the
entire message and put everything into context. And before assuming the
negative, reply asking for clarification.
The following cues are things that you can look for in other people’s written
communication, but it is also a good idea to check your own texts.
● If someone writes in the same way they speak, they are easier to read.
This is because what you see is what you get, and a message is going to be
very similar to listening to that person face-to-face.
● When a person is angry or annoyed, they are more likely to send short
messages. The annoyance may not be your fault but you are getting the
brunt of it.
● People who use more words to express their ideas than are needed are
often happy or feeling good, although, like anger, it may not be with you or
the topic. Taking this to the extreme and being overly expressive is a
dramatic call for attention.
● Genuine humor and humility point to a person who is straightforward and
someone that you can probably trust.
● Regardless of how someone is feeling, someone who is obsessed with
correct grammar is likely to have control issues. That being said,
professional written communication should always be checked for errors.
● Shorthand and abbreviations can indicate two things. First, a person could
be just in a rush or have a slightly chaotic personality, which you would see
from their baseline. On the other hand, they may be self-centered, under-
communicating as a sign of their superiority and making you work harder to
read the message.
● Formal messages could be a sign that someone is trying to make a good
impression and/or sees you as an authority figure. Again, when it comes to
professional texts, it is more common to see formal writing, especially in
sales.
● Don’t read too much into emojis. Sometimes people will use images to
express how they feel but other times, they will use them to express their
idea and not necessarily a feeling. A smiley after an argument may be a way
to calm the conversation, it doesn’t mean they are happy.
● Flame mail is never acceptable. Angry messages that are offensive and
critical come from an adult throwing a child’s temper tantrum. The sender
may be genuinely upset, but that’s still no excuse for poor communication
skills.
Be careful about drawing conclusions if the message comes from someone
you don’t know. Many people have challenges with written communication.
They could be neurodivergent or English may be their second language.
Technical skills might be excellent but they may not have mastered the
tone.
Take a moment to go through some of your messages yesterday. This time,
try to reread them from your point of view but also from the readers’. Is
there anything in your messages that could have been misinterpreted? Did
your emojis match your mood and your tone? Then read on to discover how
to get better at identifying emotions in written communication.
How to Improve Emotion Reading in Text or Email
There can be a nasty circle when it comes to trying to read emotions in
written text. Let’s say you read a message and feel that the tone is
somewhat nagging. But that’s only because your boss has been on your
back all day. You reply to the message with an eye-rolling emoji followed
by a yawning emoji.
Fatal mistake, because the reader may have only been sending you a
reminder to help you, but your response has now annoyed them. It’s more
likely that they are going to reply to your emojis in an irritated way. If there
is one rule to follow in written communication, it is that you can’t get angry
about “how someone said” something because we all have different
perceptions and intentions.
It’s difficult because with little information, and the generally high levels of
stress we are all under, we will assume that a person is unhappy, even
though their message doesn’t say that.
I have a friend that ends every message with three kisses (xxx). Usually,
you can gauge her mood by the number of kisses. Only two kisses and she
is slightly miffed. No kisses and she is mad! One day I had a message with
no kisses and I spent an hour driving myself crazy wondering what I had
done.
In the end, I had to call her and she laughed. She was texting me as she was
running out of the door, coffee spilling in the other hand and she pressed
send in a hurry. Rather than even focusing on the message, I assumed she
was angry.
Start by reading all of your messages assuming they are written with good
intentions. If there isn’t a row of exclamation marks, a happy emoticon, or
another positive ending, it doesn’t mean there is a problem.
This leads to the unconscious biases we tend to have when it comes to
reading emotions. A person’s ability to decipher emotions is based on their
own characteristics and even experiences.
If a wife forgets her husband's birthday and the husband messages his
friends about it, some of his friends may assume he is angry, whereas his
female friends may assume he is upset. This is because of unconscious bias.
At the same time, one of his female friends may think he is angry because
the same thing had happened to her and her feelings are influencing the way
she interprets the message. When looking for emotions in written
communication, leave your personal feelings to one side.
Of course, some messages will have mixed signals and can be harder to
decipher. Many of our common words automatically lead us to create
positive or negative images. Take, for example, the words “work” and
“holiday.” We associate work with negative emotions and holiday with
positive emotions. But a message like “I have to do a little work on my two-
week holiday” can convey mixed emotions.
In cases like this, it’s a good idea to break down all of the words in a
message to determine if there are more words associated with positivity or
with negativity.
Finally, remember the science behind emotions. Our brains don't have little
boxes that neatly contain each emotion. When we are anxious, it’s not just
the anxiety box that is open. Emotions don’t work like that, and it’s likely
we are experiencing more than one emotion at a time. This is truer when it
comes to emotions that appear to be negative.
If a person is feeling anxious, they may also be feeling embarrassment,
sadness, fear, or a combination of all. Not everyone has well-developed
emotional intelligence and this means that not even they can pinpoint their
exact feelings.
Remembering this will help you when reading for emotions because
knowing how our emotions work helps you to see that one message can
have more than one emotion behind it.
Grab Your Phone to Put It into Practice
There is no need to wait for the next email or message you receive. Go back
to the last few emails or messages from a loved one. Reread the texts and
try to decode their emotions at the time of writing. Are there things they
could have done to make their message clearer?
Then go back over the message and check for any biases or assumptions
you might have made. Check the use of your emojis and other people’s to
confirm whether the use was to express a feeling or not. Finally, consider
how a different response from you could have led to a different outcome.
Go to this person and ask them if your conclusions about their tone were
accurate or not. Just bear in mind that they might not have given their tone
the same amount of thought as you have.
Here’s another challenging situation when reading social cues—when they
come from children or teens. By being able to decode their nonverbal
language, you could fill in the gaps between what children or young adults
want to say and what you understand from them.
 A SHORT MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

Hey, are you enjoying the book? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Many readers do not know how hard reviews are to come by, and how
much they help an author.

I would be incredibly grateful if you could take just 60 seconds to write a

brief review on Amazon, even if it’s just a few sentences!
>> Click here to leave a quick review
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts!
Your review will genuinely make a difference for me and help gain
exposure for my work.
 CHAPTER SEVEN: READING NONVERBAL CUES:
JUNIOR EDITION

W eofarelife,allbabies
born with eight primary emotions but in the first few months
feel interest, distress, disgust, and happiness. In the first
five years of a child’s life, the brain grows from a quarter of the size of an
adult’s brain to 90 percent fully grown. It’s a massive amount of
development.
In this period, children observe adults, learn how to express their own
emotions, and with the right role models, they start to manage their feelings.
This is greatly helped by social interactions, especially those that occur
when school starts and they start developing friendships.
But it takes years to be able to effectively manage emotions and openly
discuss how you feel. Learning how to read children can help you
understand exactly what is going on with them when they can’t (or don’t
want to) tell you what is really going on. The problem is, people often make
assumptions about how children are feeling, and even when you know them
better than anyone else, it doesn’t mean you are right.
Fortunately, researchers at North Carolina State University have recently
developed a tool that helps adults to accurately identify children’s emotions
but more importantly, to recognize biases they may have in relation to how
children are feeling.
The tool “PerCEIVED Task” stands for Perceptions of Children’s Emotions
in Videos, Evolving and Dynamic Task. Adults watched videos of seventy-
two child actors, of different genders and ethnicities, expressing six
different emotions.
The results showed that not only are adults often wrong in reading a child’s
emotion but also, getting one emotion right doesn’t necessarily mean they
are good at recognizing other emotions. One particular bias that stood out
was that adults are more inclined to see black children as angry (Science
Daily, 2021).
If emotional regulation is challenging for adults, you can imagine how
much harder it is for children to express complex feelings when they don’t
necessarily have sufficient vocabulary to explain them. If a child is jealous,
they may snatch a toy from another child; if they are worried, they may
retreat into their own world.
Inappropriate behavior is often a sign of strong emotions in children but,
with practice, you will also be able to get better at reading their facial
expressions and body language.
Understanding Social Cues of Children
There are some social cues that you will see in children much like you
would in adults. On the positive side, you will see a relaxed posture and eye
contact, although bear in mind that the ability to make and hold eye contact
will be developing. Help them to develop this skill by minimizing
distractions, such as turning the TV off when you are talking to them.
Signs of interest will also include leaning towards you, nodding, and of
course, smiling. The opposite is also true. Children who lean away are
telling you they don’t like something. Tension in their body points to a
degree of discomfort and it may be up to you to figure out where this is
coming from.
When a child yawns, you may assume this is because they are bored and in
some cases, you will be correct. This can also be a sign that they are
confused—perhaps you are talking too much and there is an information
overload. However, if they are leaning their chin on their elbow, it’s more
likely that they are bored.
Other social cues that you will see in children, as well as adults, come with
facial expressions. Frowning, narrowing eyes, and head shaking are all
ways to express upset, frustration, or anger.
Children will also display social cues that adults “grow out of.” A perfect
example is when they flap their arms. This is a sign of distress and can
occur in the middle of a tantrum, when they are scared, or when they are in
pain. This is their response to the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. In
this moment of panic, you may be tempted to talk to them or ask them what
is wrong but at this stage, they probably can’t hear you or respond, as the
nervous system is all over the place. Physical contact may be more
reassuring.
A little person tugging at your clothes or any part of your body may be
frustrating but this is their attempt to get your attention. They may have
tried other ways to communicate and not succeeded but whether they are
excited, hungry, or feeling impatient, they are trying to tell you this.
Most children will go through a clingy stage. Holding on to you like their
life depended on it or burying their head in your legs and arms could be due
to separation anxiety. When you introduce a child to someone new and they
stick their head under your sweater, it’s not because they don’t like the
person, it’s because they are anxious about the person looking at them.
That being said, when children run away from you or push you away, don’t
assume it is because they don’t love you or no longer need you. This is
actually a positive show of their independence.
Sometimes, we can confuse some adult social cues when reading children.
Crossed arms doesn’t mean a child is closed off or that they don’t like
something. When children cross their arms, it’s because they want to create
distance between themselves and something they are wary of or that is
making them nervous.
Also, looking away or not making eye contact shouldn’t lead you to the
conclusion they are lying or they are up to no good. This is more likely to
happen because they are ashamed of something they have done or they
know they have done something wrong.
Young children love to mimic their parents and other influential adults in
their lives. This means, if you catch certain social cues that don’t seem to
make sense, it may be worth looking at your own body language to see if
it’s coming from you.
Nevertheless, when children reach the age of between seven and nine, they
start to be more influenced by others around them. This could be teachers,
friends, and of course anything related to technology. Some of these
influences will be positive and others not so much. It’s a good idea to have
your baseline before this age so that you can look for changes.
What Teenagers Are Actually Telling You
The moment your child starts entering the teenage years, it can feel like you
have been hit by a bus. Everyone knows that navigating the teenage years is
a challenge but not many people talk about the difficulties parents face.
Young children tell you all about their day and talk endlessly but all of a
sudden, you are facing someone who no longer wants to tell you anything.
On top of that, there are rushes of different emotions thanks to hormonal
changes, and they need time to learn how to manage these. Despite
teenagers not knowing or possibly not wanting you to know how they feel,
at this age, it’s crucial that you are aware of any signs of problems before
they escalate.
There are four common cues that are quite universal when it comes to
teenagers. The first is a slumped posture. This often indicates unhappiness,
stress, or anxiety. It can also mean they are feeling self-conscious, which is
understandable if their body is going through changes. In some cases, a teen
will be slumped over because they are happy, but just deep in thought.
Poor eye contact can also be related to low self-esteem, confidence, and
levels of comfort. Because it’s a skill that takes practice, and if you know
your teen is struggling with their confidence, try not to read too much into
this but instead, find genuine ways to praise and encourage them.
Some teens will look in the direction of your face but not your eyes, which
again, points to confidence issues. It’s like they are close but not quite there
yet. If a teen can’t make eye contact, looks in the direction of your face, or
looks away suddenly, it may be that they are lying.
Other ways to tell if your teen is lying include stammering or using a lot of
fillers like “uhh” and “umm.” They may swallow more than usual and it
could be a hard swallow.
Fidgeting may be another clue for something that isn’t quite true and in
terms of verbal cues, they may give you an excessive amount of
information. Too much talking is rare for a teen so they may be trying to
explain their way out of a lie.
The fourth common teen social cue is just hanging around. Say, for
example, you are cooking dinner or folding laundry and they are floating in
the background—it could be because they want to start a conversation with
you but they aren’t sure how.
If your teen is showing any of these signs, the trick is not to tell them off.
It’s easy to nag them to sit up straight but nagging may only prevent them
from talking to you. Instead, look for ways to encourage them to talk.
Situations with less eye contact, like when you are driving, are conducive to
conversation. Even though it may seem like your teen doesn’t want to talk
to you, they often do. They just aren’t sure where to start!
Because so much of their time is dedicated to studying, it’s also helpful to
read a teenager’s body language when they are in “learning” mode. This is
true whether they are in the classroom or at their desk doing homework.
Posture is the first thing you will probably spot. If they are slumped over
their desk or they are resting their head on their hands, trying not to fall
asleep, they are not engaged. Looking under their desk, you may notice foot
tapping or leg shaking indicating their boredom or impatience.
In the classroom, eye contact and facial expressions can suggest levels of
interest and engagement. If a student is looking at you and their eyes are
bright, they are interested. Eyes that are looking at the ceiling, walls,
windows, or floor often belong to an unfocused student.
Nevertheless, look out for eye contact that disappears when you ask a
question. This often isn’t because of boredom but because they don’t want
you to ask them for the answer. Again, don’t assume this teenager wasn’t
paying attention, as it could be because of their confidence.
Social cues in classrooms should also be looked at as a whole and not just
on an individual level. If the whole class looks bored, it’s time to change
your strategy, even if it is as simple as moving around the classroom more.
While looking at a class as a whole, don’t forget to take cultural differences
into account. There are also some social and learning delays and disorders
in which children’s body language and social cues may not be typical.
When Reading Children Is More Complex
Regardless of their age, some children will have additional problems with
emotional regulation and this can reflect in their social cues. For example,
children on the autism spectrum may have additional problems with social
situations. Some children will repeat behaviors like tapping or rocking.
Others will talk about a hobby or passion, almost obsessively, and don’t
recognize the social cues to let others have their turn speaking.
Children with ADHD can appear more fidgety than others. This isn’t
necessarily because they aren’t interested in what you are talking about.
Their disorder prevents them from paying the same level of attention as
others.
For children who have learning and social delays and disorders, it’s even
more important to get a solid baseline to understand which social cues are
typical for them, rather than relying on general signs. Having said that, the
same should be applied to adults who have conditions that may impact how
we read their social cues.
What Are the Little Humans in Your Life Trying to Tell You?
You don’t have to have your own children to practice reading them, nor
should you wait to have your own. Whether you work with children, or
your friends or family members have children, knowing how to read them
can greatly improve your relationship with them and you may even help
them when other adults can’t.
The next time you interact with a child or teenager, pay more attention to
what their body is telling you than just their words. Come back and check if
your observations are correct based on what you have learned in this
chapter.
One of the most useful benefits of people-reading skills is being able to
detect if someone—whether they are adults, kids, or teens—is lying. While
we barely touched on the subject with teens, there are far more social cues
that will prove to be invaluable to you. By being able to accurately interpret
social cues, you could spot lies like any other detective.
 CHAPTER EIGHT: THE POWER OF CUES: HOW
TO KNOW WHEN SOMEONE’S LYING

L ying can cause a wide range of emotional responses. Sometimes people

tell lies in the hope of protecting us or pleasing us. Like telling someone
you love their cooking. These so-called white lies are used to create magic
for our children with characters like Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Though
technically still lies, they are socially accepted.
Then, we have the lies that break hearts, destroy trust, and cause irreparable
damage. These lies are made worse because the person on the receiving end
often doesn’t know they are being lied to. When the truth is finally
uncovered, they feel even more stupid for not spotting the lie.
The motives behind people’s lies can be anything from complex to bizarre.
There seems little reason to lie about seeing a particular movie, yet 30
percent of people lie about watching The Godfather! On average,
Americans lie eleven times a week but in January, this number shoots up. In
the first month of the year, we tell a shocking 217 lies, around seven per
day.
People are more likely to lie when using written communication than face-
to-face. Text messages lead to three more lies than a spoken conversation,
and emails five more. It’s possible that regardless of your ability to detect
lies, others may be paranoid that they will get found out. That is of course
unless you have a beard. Some studies have shown that people with beards
are perceived as more trustworthy (Greenspan, 2018). That being said the
choice of facial hair may also depend on a certain fashion, even culture.
Unfortunately, humans aren’t very good at spotting a lie. This is because we
often make assumptions. We assume those we care about are telling the
truth but we will also make judgments about others based on our own ideas
of what is considered appropriate. Rather than assumptions and judgments,
we should be relying more on our people-reading skills.
Mastering the Baseline
At the beginning of the book, we looked at the baseline, but let’s put this
into context in relation to telling lies. You need to make sure that your
original baseline wasn’t taken when the person was being less than honest.
Maybe at the time, you weren’t all that confident in your people-reading
skills and now it’s time to get a new baseline with your newly acquired
skills.
Regardless of who you want to get a baseline of, you need to sit down and
have a conversation with them, one where they don’t feel the need to lie.
This conversation should be general, neutral, and without tension. For
example, you can talk about what they want to do on the weekend, what
they’d like for dinner or the good old weather.
During your conversation, take note of their behavior. What do they
normally do with their hands? Are they the type of person who naturally
moves their arms and legs when talking or do they tend to sit still? Then
pay closer attention to their face and the amount of eye contact they make.
Watch for changes in facial expressions as you make comments like signs
of interest or boredom. Finally, don’t forget to listen to the tone of their
voice, the speed at which they speak, and their breathing.
Though it may sound like a lot to take in, you can also listen to the language
they use. Some people are naturally more expressive, giving plenty of
details. Specific things to make a mental note of are fillers, pronouns, and
contractions, all of which will be explained a little later on.
Only when you are fully aware of someone’s baseline will you be able to
detect sudden changes that could indicate they are lying.
Red Flags to Look For
For a long time, many experts believed that the direction in which someone
looked was enough to tell if someone was lying. If a right-handed person
looked to the right, it would indicate that there was activity in the right
hemisphere of the brain and vice versa.
Because the right hemisphere of the brain deals with creativity, it was
suggested that the person was being creative with their words… or lying.
Whereas the left hemisphere of the brain is associated with logic and
therefore the truth.
This myth evolved from research in the 70s and 80s that looked at eye
direction and recorded memories over generated memories. Over the years,
people took this to believe recorded memories were genuine and generated
memories were lies.
The myth has been debunked; however, the eyes still give away some
details. It’s actually the hands that can tell you more about someone’s level
of honesty.
Hands
During your baseline conversations, you may have noticed hand gestures as
the person was talking. When a person is lying, they are more likely to use
hand gestures before or after their statement. This is because the brain is too
busy creating the story to remember to send signals to other parts of the
body to move.
One study carried out by the University of Michigan discovered that people
who lie are slightly more inclined to gesture with both hands than with one.
While watching media clips, they noticed that people moved both hands in
40 percent of the clips where people were lying and 25 percent for those
telling the truth (University of Michigan, 2015).
If they aren’t using both hands, you may notice a person using their non-
dominant hand. When someone uses strong words, the body, in an attempt
to be honest, tries to leak out the deception, and this is seen with the non-
dominant hand in use. You can look at Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sexual
relations with that woman” speech to see this in action.
Look out for people unconsciously hiding their palms. They may remove
their hands completely from sight or just have their palms facing away from
you. It’s literally as if they are trying to hold something back from you.
Eyes
There are two main indicators that give away a lie, which is yet another
reason to get your baseline as accurate as possible. One indication is a lot of
movement and the other is a lack of same.
When some people lie, their eyes will dart around left and right, up and
down as if looking for their answer. There is often an expression of fear
because they are afraid to answer and get caught. Along with the darting,
you may see wider eyes and more of their whites visible. Another eye
movement is suddenly looking away—the direction is irrelevant.
On the other hand, the same study from the University of Michigan found
that 70 percent of people will stare when they are lying. Pay attention to a
cold stare when a person is trying to intimidate you. A person may look
straight at you but blink rapidly when they are lying. This is because telling
a lie is more stressful than the truth and blinking is a sign of nerves.
Sometimes, the eyes can give away not necessarily a lie but an emotion that
a person is trying to hide. This is especially the case for confidence. If a
person is genuinely comfortable and confident, you will notice crow’s feet
in the outer corners of the eyes. No wrinkles around the eyes and the person
may be faking their confidence.
Mouth
Most of the signs around the mouth come from the attempt to prevent
revealing any information. When someone’s lips are pursed to the point
where you can hardly see their lips, this could be a sign of a lie by
omission. The person may not be telling you an outright lie but they are
holding back information, and this can manipulate a situation is still
deceptive.
Pursed lips are also a sign that someone could be holding back on their
emotions rather than just the facts. It’s actually an instinctive reflex, so
don’t always assume the worst. Some people just may not want to be a part
of the conversation.
Sometimes, the body language is less subtle. Quickly raising a hand to the
mouth points to surprise, but if the action is slower and combined with a
pause before speaking, the next thing they say could be a lie. Covering of
the mouth is another way of stopping yourself from speaking and holding
back information.
In terms of psychology, covering the mouth may be a way for a person to
distance the source of the lie (their mouth) from themselves. Because this
gesture is more obvious, you may notice people trying to disguise their lie
—for example, they will rub or scratch their nose to try to hide the fact they
have covered their mouth.
Microexpressions
Let’s take a moment to quickly review microexpressions within the context
of lie detection. Because a liar is often worried about getting caught, the
most frequent microexpression used is fear. The mouth is open, and
eyebrows are raised and pulled slightly together. The upper eyelids will also
be raised and this comes with wrinkling in the forehead.
Again, not all lies are out to get you. Some people will hold back their
emotions, either as a form of self-protection or in the hope of protecting
you. But the fact is, their emotions are still fake and can greatly impede the
effectiveness of communication. To spot fake emotions, look for
asymmetrical microexpressions, whether that’s fear or other emotions.
Microexpressions are involuntary and need to be compared with a person’s
baseline. One gesture alone, such as wrinkles in the forehead, can’t be seen
as a lie. A microexpression combines various gestures so it’s important to
pay attention to the whole face.
Skin and complexion
There are some people who will become visibly paler when they tell a lie.
You can almost see the blood rushing from their face. Others, particularly
women, will blush after telling a lie. This is another involuntary action
caused the sympathetic nervous system and the response to fight, flight, or
freeze mode. A rush of adrenaline is released, causing cheeks to go red.
Additional swallowing and blinking may cause the person to appear to have
a dry mouth, or even dry eyes.
The sympathetic nervous system is part of the autonomic nervous system.
Changes in the nervous system brought about by lying can cause a person to
sweat more, especially around the T-zone of the face, across the forehead,
down the nose, and toward the upper lip.
Although not related to skin or complexion, the autonomic nervous system
can also cause fidgeting and itching. This system is crucial for the
regulation of our bodily function and fluctuations can cause more itching,
rocking, and moving from side to side. Anxiety and deception expand the
capillaries in the nose just slightly, so it’s common to see people scratching
their noses.
Position and posture
It’s not necessarily the position of a person that will give away the lie but
more so any sudden change. From the baseline, you will have noticed what
is a comfortable level of personal space for a person. If you see that they
suddenly lean back or take a step back as they speak, it might not be the
truth. This additional space is a way of creating distance because they aren’t
comfortable with the lie they are telling.
Next, take a look at the feet. Fidgeting feet or dancing feet point to someone
who wants to get away quickly, again, another sign that someone is
uncomfortable. Shifting their balance from one foot to another indicates that
someone is feeling off balance. Because of the stress involved with lying,
people often touch their faces as a way of calming themselves.
Sometimes, body language can let us know how well practiced a person is
at lying. Somebody who crouches down and tries to appear smaller may be
more embarrassed about their lie.
Those who are able to keep a stone-cold facial expression but gesture more
with their arms and hands, could mean that they are more practiced in their
skills.
Tone and vocal fillers
Because of the changes within the autonomic nervous system and dry
mouth, you may hear people clearing their throat more often than normal.
Lies can make people feel nervous and when this happens, the muscles in
the vocal cords tighten up, another reason why they may need to clear their
throat. Listen to a person’s voice for a higher pitch or a slight creak in the
voice. Others may start to speak louder because they are feeling defensive.
The same study from the University of Michigan also discovered that
people who lie tend to use more fillers. An increase in the use of “uhhs” and
“umms” may be because a person is trying to buy time to figure out what to
say next or how to get themselves out of a situation. Naturally, they may
also just be thinking!
When it comes to figuring out if someone is lying, it’s wise not to rely
solely on body language, especially in your early stages of reading people.
There are benefits to listening more closely to what people are saying to
find the truth.
Verbal Cues When Lying
Although the main focus of this book is to understand how to read people’s
body language, the ability to detect a lie is a challenging one. For this
reason, we have a short section on verbal cues that can help you confirm
what you see.
Content and quantity are the first places to look for lies. Ironically, those
who use the word “honestly” and phrases that include the word, are more
likely to be lying. This is an attempt at trying too hard to prove their
innocence.
Sharing too much information or continuously talking may also indicate a
lie. People think that giving more information than what is required of them
is a sign of their openness. This can work to your advantage. On occasions,
the truth will slip out and a person has to try to cover up their lie.
Listen out for things like “Oh, I meant to say,” or “Actually” when people
interrupt their own train of thought and speech. You may also notice that a
person’s story doesn’t follow a logical sequence of events and some words
and phrases are repeated.
There has been research into verbal cues and lies. The University of Texas
discovered that liars will use fewer first-person pronouns to avoid
ownership and create distance. Look out for messages where sentences
don’t begin with “I” (Frothingham, 2021).
Because liars are often anxious or nervous, you can detect these emotions
with their increased use of negative words like hate, sad, and depressed. On
the contrary, you may notice fewer exclusionary words (but, expect, nor,
etc.) as they struggle to differentiate what happened and what didn’t
happen.
It is essential that you listen and observe to look for any inconsistencies or
to confirm your suspicions. One of the best examples of inconsistencies is
when a person accents things with their head that contradict the words that
come out of their mouth. If someone says they didn’t do it but their head is
nodding up and down, it’s safe to rely more on the gesture than the actual
words. Again, you will notice this if you watch Bill Clinton denying his
affair.
Find a Cluster of Three
You will have probably noticed there have been a lot of mays, mights, and
coulds in this chapter (and the book) rather than “someone will.” This is
because you can’t just look at a person, spot one red flag, and assume they
are lying.
Someone who has sweaty hands and then attempts to hide their palms could
be worried that an interviewer is about to detect a lie on their résumé. At the
same time, they could be having severe financial struggles, and the need to
get the job is causing them to feel overly nervous.
If someone is talking more than usual, they too could be lying. But it’s also
worth remembering they could have been alone for a long time and finally,
in the company of another human, they feel the urge to talk non-stop.
That being said, if someone leans back, flashes a microexpression of fear,
and starts fidgeting with their feet, this cluster of red flags gives a stronger
indication that the person is lying. Don’t forget to compare these red flags
against the individual's baseline before jumping to conclusions.
One final thing to remember is to trust your instincts. Sadly, the chances are
we have all been hurt by someone telling us a lie. Think about how you
physically felt when that person wasn’t being honest with you. Did you feel
sick? Did you feel pressure on your chest? Did you notice your own body
starting to shake? All of these are signs that your body is trying to tell you
that something isn’t sitting right. If you notice red flags along with physical
symptoms, it would be wise to pay attention to your instincts.
Let’s recap the red flags for lying in the following bullet points.
● Hands: More hand gestures, using both hands, using the non-dominant
hand, hiding palms
● Eyes: Darting eye movement, suddenly looking away, more whites
visible, cold staring
● Mouth: Pursing lips, covering lips or mouth, covering mouth with a
disguise (touching or scratching the nose)
● Microexpressions: Raised eyebrows and eyelids, eyebrows pulled
together, wrinkles in the forehead, mouth open, asymmetrical
microexpressions
● Skin and complexion: Paler skin, flushed cheeks from adrenaline, itchy
nose, more sweat in the T-zone, dry mouth and/or eyes
● Position and posture: Leaning or stepping away, fidgeting feet, shifting
balance, self-soothing gestures like touching the face
● Tone and vocal fillers: Higher tone, louder voice, extra use of fillers like
“umm” and “uhh.”
● Verbal/written cues: Talking excessively, phrases with “honestly,”
“actually,” or “I meant,” fewer first-person pronouns and exclusionary
words, and more negative words.
Because of our tendencies to lean toward the negative, it’s easy for us to
assume the worst, see a couple of red flags, and jump to the conclusion that
a person is lying. Dr. Paul Ekman is undoubtedly one of the leading experts
in human emotion and non-verbal expression, making massive
contributions to our understanding of deception. Even with his knowledge
and experience, he doesn’t consider himself to be a human lie detector.
He believes that while there is plenty to learn and we are able to decide with
greater accuracy if someone is lying or not, body language alone isn’t
enough to say for sure if someone is lying.
A Fun Way to Practice Your Lie Detecting Skills
Naturally, observing others will help you to develop your lie detecting skills
but, if we are perfectly honest with ourselves, some self-reflection and self-
awareness when we aren’t being truthful is also necessary.
At the same time, there is a fun game called Two Truths and a Lie that you
can play with someone. They have to give you three sentences and only two
are true. Watch the person you play with for red flags rather than trying to
analyze what they are saying.
Learning how to read people isn’t something apart from communication, it
is a part of it! Reading people and spotting signs of lies, fake emotions, or
holding back isn’t the end result. These skills should be used to improve
communication and to give you the tools to discover more about what is
really going on.
 CONCLUSION

W hen people send us mixed signals during communication, any number

of things can happen and rarely are they good. The first doubt that
comes across our mind is whether we can actually trust this person. While
past experiences impact our ability to trust, it doesn’t help when you get
that niggling feeling that someone is hiding something from you.
The next thing that can happen is that we can start to feel isolated and
rejected. Everybody wants to feel part of a group; it’s human nature. But
when people-reading skills aren’t quite as they should be, there is a great
sense of disconnection. It becomes easier to withdraw than to put yourself
in situations where all you feel is self-doubt.
Many times I hear people say that they wish they had the ability to read
people’s minds to understand exactly what they were thinking. MRI scans
have been able to give us a clearer image of brain activity and emotions but
until we are all walking around with MRI scans continuously providing
others with information, we are going to have to rely on a different type of
science—kinesics.
On a very basic level, we need to understand the benefits of kinesics, or
reading people, from two points of view. What you have discovered in this
book is going to help you to better understand how people are genuinely
feeling. Sometimes, they aren’t even aware of their own emotions; other
times they don’t feel comfortable enough discussing how they feel. Today,
there are still plenty of social norms that prevent us from expressing who
we are.
The second crucial benefit is that you will now be more aware of your own
body language and social cues, as well as how they can affect others’
response to you and how they view you.
The end result is that both parties in a conversation can fully understand the
spoken message and any clues behind the words that are often withheld.
Observation is what will enable you to take conversations to a deeper level,
and this is going to have a profound impact on your personal, social, and
professional life.
Just recently, I was talking to a person who had been called back to the
doctor because of some “concerning results.” Having a good awareness of
her baseline, I knew that there wasn’t much that bothered her. She was an
energetic person who saw obstacles as a way to challenge herself. Even in
this conversation, her words matched her usual attitude to life.
Oftentimes, when a person comes to us with a problem, we want to jump in
and offer a solution, perhaps not always actively listening to what is being
said. Other times, we unconsciously mimic their body language. In the case
of my friend, this would have involved me copying her energy and
positivity.
However, by taking a step back and watching what her body language said,
I was able to see what was really happening. The first thing that struck me
was how wide her eyes were, a classic sign of fear. She spoke faster than
usual, which was a cause for concern because, from her baseline, I knew
she spoke faster than most. Then there was her smile. The corners of her
lips were raised but her eyebrows were slightly lower than normal—she
was sad but trying to paste on a smile to show she was okay.
This was my tri factor, my cluster. One sign alone is never enough to
indicate the true message a person wants to get across. But that crucial step
back was enough to realize that my friend, though probably for self-
preservation, wasn’t communicating exactly what was going on.
Had I missed these signs, I might have made the mistake of copying her
false positivity. Instead, I was able to remind her that everyone had the right
to feel however they want to feel and own those feelings. And that is when
she opened up!
Due to the extent of body language and the possible differences, it’s
impossible to create one cheat sheet that reveals all the answers. Body
language is just too complex for that. If you only take the eyes as an
example, we can see how essential it is to continuously practice the skill of
reading people.
There has been a lot of focus on eye contact and its importance. Too much
and it’s seen as dominating, too little and there seems to be a lack of
confidence. If you blink too quickly, you could be uncomfortable or
stressed. But because lying increases stress, you could be excessively
blinking because of dishonesty. If someone is staring at you, perhaps they
are angry, perhaps they are lying, or maybe they are attracted to you but
getting the rest of the signals wrong. Squinted eyes could indicate that a
person doesn’t agree with what you are saying but they may have also
simply forgotten their glasses.
That doesn’t mean to say there is no point in practicing these skills. It’s
normal that at the beginning, the idea of reading each part of the body and
having so many variants is overwhelming. Of course, if you walked into a
room of complete strangers, you would be lost taking in all of the body
language, more so if you haven’t been so aware before.
You will be amazed by how good your people-reading skills are now just by
observing someone you are close to. Even though you have never sat down
and watched this person’s gestures, you will have a good idea of how they
physically interact and when they are not feeling themselves. The difference
now is that rather than just noticing the changes, you will understand why
these changes occur.
Once you start to detect what your loved one’s body language is telling you,
it becomes less daunting when you face other social situations, whether
that’s with close contacts or new acquaintances.
Remember that while we want to observe the facial expressions,
microexpressions, limbs, and posture, effective people-reading is all about
the bigger picture. This includes social distance, tone of voice,
paralanguage, and physical touch. Above all, this then has to be put into
context.
Culture plays a huge part in reading body language. What may be “normal”
for you in terms of personal space and physical touch may be very different
for someone from a different part of the world. Age and the relationship
will also have an influence.
The social cues that you see from your parents won’t be the same as those
from your boss, and vice versa. This is because your relationship with your
parents will be more relaxed and comfortable than with your boss, at least
in most cases. Reading the body language of children and teenagers can be
more challenging than when observing adults because in most cases, their
emotional intelligence is not at the same level.
Conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are just two examples of when body
language and reading social cues will be more challenging. While we are
used to associating these conditions with children, there are a lot of adults
who are trying to navigate their symptoms. There are also a lot of adults
who have gone undiagnosed. It’s not possible to read these people in the
same way as you would a typical adult.
The point will always go back to these crucial yet fundamental points—
baseline, clusters, and context.
After understanding everything from the eyebrows to the feet, and the
possible cues that each body part could be signaling, now is the time to take
that learning and apply it to individuals in your life. It’s the moment to look
at the entire person so as not to confuse one gesture with other possible
meanings. Finally, it’s about making sure that what you have discovered so
far fits the context. It can be quite surprising to see how a person changes
one from setting to the next.
From here on in, the aim is not to abandon the words you hear. Instead,
your task is to now fully and actively listen, and this means taking in the
words and all of the tiny details a person gives away. It’s to abandon the
possible biases and assumptions that could exist and observe, even absorb,
all that is in front of you. Within a short time, it won’t only be you that
appreciates the difference.
It may sound unbelievable but this difference is possible within a matter of
days. In this short time, I hope I can ask one thing of you. Authors depend
on reviews in order to continue writing content that is valuable to readers. A
review on Amazon, even a short one, will help me gain a greater insight
into what readers need to improve their communication skills and
strengthen relationships.
But reviews on Amazon go beyond the author’s need. As you share your
opinions, the information you have discovered, and the changes people-
reading skills have made to your life, others get to realize that the same
possibilities are available to them too. You never know, it’s possible that
now, you have the skills it takes to read their reviews and discover how true
their words really are!
 SOME BOOKS YOU MAY FIND INTERESTING

How to Stop Negative Thinking

The 7-Step Plan to Eliminate Negativity, Overcome Rumination, Cease
Overthinking Spiral, and Change Your Toxic Thoughts to Healthy Self-Talk
There is a massive amount of shame that comes with negative thinking.
You blame yourself for the intrusive thoughts that blindside you. You
feel guilty for not being more optimistic. It’s time to stop.

Are you fed up with people telling you to JUST be more positive?
Negative thinking isn’t as simple as someone looking at the glass half
empty. It is a debilitating mindset that seeps into every area of your life.
It can cause you to freeze in fear, withdraw from the world, and lose your
relationships.
The constant rumination that keeps you up at night spirals out of control.
Your past mistakes keep replaying in your head, so much so this past
version of yourself is all you can see.
Negative thinking happens automatically – it’s not your fault.
Our brains thrive on negativity. Research published in Psychological
Bulletin (2008) has proved that our brains are wired to think negatively.
You tell yourself that today will be a better day, but your brain tells you the
opposite, and you slip back into old negative habits.
But that doesn’t mean that negative thinking is something you can’t
control.
The brain is indeed negatively biased. However, science has confirmed
that you can rewire the way you think. And you can start doing this
today!
In How to Stop Negative Thinking, here is just a fraction of what you will
discover:
• How to overcome every type of negative thinking from intrusive
thoughts to rumination in 7 simple steps
• Simple, effective strategies with practice exercises that will help you
overcome the negative thought patterns that prevent you from leading the
life you want
• 3 crucial tools you can use to pinpoint the roots of your negative thinking
• The 7 ultimate dangers of not managing your stress today
• Scientifically proven breathing techniques that will ease the impact of
negative thoughts and rumination
• How to put a stop to toxic behavior, passive aggression, and toxic
positivity and protect your new mindset
• How mental health issues don’t have to define who you are or stop you
from experiencing joy
• How to love and accept yourself despite your negative thinking --
discover why this is crucial to kickstart your journey towards a happier,
more positive person
And much more.
I know you have tried to stop your negative thinking, and nothing has
worked. And the last thing you need is someone else telling you it’s your
attitude.
Your inner critic will be telling you that you can’t do this or that you don’t
deserve to be happy. As soon as you understand how your brain works, that
inner critic won’t have a leg to stand on! You will have a clean slate to start
this incredible journey towards positivity.
Just by reading this, you have taken control and decided to
change. Now all that’s missing is the final step.
If you are ready to take the next step towards a more positive life, then
scroll up and click the link below right now.

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Healthy Boundaries
How to Set Strong Boundaries, Say No Without Guilt, and Maintain Good
Relationships With Your Parents, Family, and Friends
Discover the power of self-love, and learn how to set healthy
boundaries -- without feeling guilty.
Do you ever wonder what it would be like if the people you care about
respected your personal space?
Do you wish that there was an easy way to say “No” every time you don’t
want to say “Yes”?
Or do you simply want to pursue self-love and not feel guilty about it?
If this is you, then you’ve probably had moments of trying to please others -
- often, to your own detriment.
Perhaps you have an inability to say “No” because you don’t want to
disappoint or anger the other person… leading you to do things you never
wanted to do in the first place…
If this happens too often, eventually, people will start taking you for granted
-- and you won’t be taken seriously even when you try to say “No.”
What’s worse, when you do try to set up boundaries, people will label you
as mean or moody. It will seem impossible to make people respect your
decisions without starting conflict.
But there’s a simple way to solve your problems!
You can start doing what YOU want to do.
You don’t have to compromise your individuality just to be “considerate” of
others.
You can set healthy boundaries, and make your friends, family and
parents respect that boundary.
In Healthy Boundaries, here’s just a taste of what you’ll discover:
• A step-by-step guide to setting healthy personal boundaries without
starting an argument
• 5 dangerous mistakes you must avoid when setting boundaries
• The secret to saying “No” without feeling guilty -- and without being
misunderstood
• How to stop constantly apologizing, and find out when you should and
shouldn’t be sorry
• 10 debilitating myths that are stopping you from setting up boundaries --
and how to troubleshoot them
• How to detoxify your emotions and release toxicity from your system like
a breath of fresh air
• How to handle these 6 different relationship types (you’re in one of them
right now)
• A clear path to give you the freedom to love yourself, follow what
YOU want, and prioritize yourself
And much more.
Setting up boundaries isn’t about being rude: it's about acknowledging
that your well-being comes first.
When you feel good, everything around you will be affected positively --
including the people you care about.
You don't have to shield everyone else from pain anymore -- realize that
you’re the one who’s hurting, and do something about it.
If you’re ready to start living the life you deserve without feeling guilty,
then click the link below right now!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B096Y7THL4

How to Stop Overthinking

The 7-Step Plan to Control and Eliminate Negative Thoughts, Declutter
Your Mind and Start Thinking Positively in 5 Minutes or Less

Do you find yourself lying awake at night because you can’t stop worrying
about what happened today? Are you constantly second-guessing almost
every decision that you are faced with in life? Do your job, friendships or
whole life seem to be overwhelming?
By reading this book, you will emboldened yourself to deal with your fears,
anxiety, handle your perfectionism, and stop your overthinking for good.
What you should expect along the journey of practicing the techniques and
strategies throughout this book is to be aware of where your mental chatter
comes from, and how to address it.
Stop worrying about what you did today and start living in the moment.
Stop living for tomorrow and start breathing in the positivity of today. Stop
overthinking your future and make big changes to live your future now.
We are only ever promised today, so instead of obsessing over what you
could have done at that social event or trying to control what you will do in
your next appointment, learn to breathe in this moment you have now.
What you’ll learn:
• How to Control Overthinking and Eliminate Negative Thoughts in Just a
Few Minutes.
• 10 Powerful Tactics to Stop Anxiety and Worrying Permanently.
• How to Sleep Better, Even if Your Head Is Full of Thoughts.
• Simple Tips to Develop Self-Confidence and Decision-Making Skills.
• How to Remove Toxicity and Change Your Relationships for the Better.
• 5 Ways to Calm Anxiety (Worrying) in Five Minutes or Less.
• Troubleshooting Guide if Nothing Helps.
• How to Declutter Your Mind and Become What You Want in Life.
This book will go through the reasons why the way you think now is not
beneficial to your being and how positivity can greatly improve your
outlook and put yourself in the direction you want your life to go.
So, quit being stuck, stop letting your mind trap you, and take control of
what you want. There are finally lessons and a structure to get you to where
you want to be rather than where you are now. AND, it’s all in this book.
Would You Like To Know More?
Download this book to get started and turn off your overthinking for good!
Click the «Buy now» button on the page below to get it immediately.

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Stop People Pleasing

How to Start Saying No, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Express Yourself

Do you say yes to people so often, you've forgotten how it feels to say
no?
You're not alone.
Many people spend years putting aside their own wants and needs in order
to please the people in their life and avoid conflict. Although there will
always be situations where diplomacy is important, you cannot define
your life through other people.
There's a fine line between being considerate of others, and compromising
your individuality, and you can slip into living as a people-pleaser without
even realizing it.
Maybe you've been going through the routines of life feeling that you must
keep quiet, and take responsibility for the feelings of others.
Or, maybe you think it's more important to avoid "rocking the boat" than it
is to be your most authentic self.
While these habits might seem to dominate everything you do, there are
actionable steps you can take to create a new world--one where you are
open and confident in what you say and do.
Just like the relationships you have with others, everyone's experiences with
people-pleasing are unique. However, this individuality often stems from
common roots that are keeping you trapped in the box of others'
expectations.
By helping you identify the steps that will assist you the most, Chase Hill
shows it is possible to start changing, right here and right now.
In Stop People Pleasing, you will discover:
• How the fear of disappointing and upsetting others may be changing who
you are as a person that’s going undetected
• The 10 signs that indicate people-pleasing characteristics, besides the
inability to say no
• Why understanding the roots of this habit will empower you to recognize
the situations where you're most likely to ignore your own needs, and act in
a more positive manner
• A step-by-step 14-day action plan to help you achieve instant and notable
improvements
• The 4 defense mechanisms specific to people pleasing, how to identify
them, and how to respond to them
• Multiple exercises and approaches to help you rediscover who you are at
heart, breaking free from feeling the need to seek validation from others
• Coping mechanisms designed to help you overcome discomfort or
frustration as you redefine the boundaries in your life
And much more.
If you believe it's impossible to finally stand up to your in-laws or be honest
with your friends, think again.
You deserve to make the choices that YOU want to make, and speak your
mind without fear or anxiety.
There's no quick fix for people-pleasing. Like most important things,
changing your patterns will take time.
With the right tools and techniques by your side, you will be able to hit the
ground running and be one step closer to living your life the way you want
to live it.
If you're ready to finally stand up for yourself and transform your life, then
click the «Buy now» button on this Amazon page to get the book
immediately.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08J3V311L
 A FREE GIFT TO OUR READERS

I’d like to give you a gift as a way of saying thanks for your purchase!

This checklist includes:

8 steps to start saying no.

12 must-dos to stop feeling guilty.
9 healthy ways to say no.

The last thing we want is for your mood to be ruined because you weren’t
prepared.
To receive your Say No Checklist, visit the link:
www.chasehillbooks.com
If you have any difficulty downloading the checklist, contact me at chase@
chasehillbooks.com, and I’ll send you a copy as soon as possible.
 RESOURCES

References
Admin, H. (2020, December 12). Identifying Emotion in Emails. Humintell
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