Infidelity in Intimate Relationships

Paul David, Ph.D.*

After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent

crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the majority of couples not only
survive infidelity, but therapists have observed that many relationships can become
stronger and more intimate after couple therapy. An extramarital involvement is the
catalyst for approximately 50% of married couples who initiate treatment. A striking
paradox is that while studies indicate 90% disapproved of extramarital relationships, a
national survey reported that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands had experienced
extramarital intercourse. When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without intercourse
are included, the incidence increases by approximately 20%.

Causes & Types

The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy
relationships as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved partner may not be
getting enough from the relationship, sometimes the involved partner is not giving
enough. Reasons for infidelity include low self-esteem, relationship deficits (e.g., lack of
affection), or a social context in which infidelity is condoned.

Multiple affairs may indicate an addiction to sex, love, or romance. Love and
romance addicts are driven by the passion of a new relationship. Sexual addicts are
compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such
release comes with a price--feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast,
philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status take
advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.

Emotional attachment ranges from casual sex and "one-night stands" to long-term
love affairs. Casual sexual involvement occurs more in men, whereas emotional
involvement without sex is more typical among women. Extramarital emotional
involvement differs from platonic friendship in that there is (1) greater emotional
intimacy than in the marital relationship, (2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and
(3) sexual chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual
physical contact, exemplify emotional affairs. However, combined-type affairs in which
extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most
disruptive impact.

Vulnerabilities for involvement outside the relationship can be linked to relational

problems (e.g., avoidance of conflict, fear of intimacy) or life cycle changes (e.g.,
transition to parenthood, empty-nest). Some dissatisfied partners begin an affair as a way
of exiting from an unhappy relationship. More frequently, however, the history of the
relationship is re-written to justify an ongoing affair. It is unreasonable to compare a

*
This article is a condensation of the material contained in Shirley P. Glass' Not Just
Friends, 2003, New York: Free Press.
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forbidden love affair that is maintained by romantic idealization with the routine
familiarity of a long-term relationship.

The Impact of Discovery

It is common for both partners to experience depression (including suicidal

thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following the initial disclosure. The
reactions of the betrayed partner resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the
victims of catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered
assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching
for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks, and intrusive
images. The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the
most unsuspecting. The involved partner may fear that they will be punished forever for
the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.

Treatment & Recovery

The first issue to be addressed in therapy is clarifying whether the purpose of

treatment is rebuilding the relationship, resolving ambivalence about whether to remain
together, or separating in a constructive way. One partner may want to reconcile while
the other partner is still ambivalent or has decided to leave. I recommend working with
the couple together as the primary approach. However, an ambivalent partner or a
severely agitated partner may also need some individual therapy sessions.

One way to help couples rebuild relationships after the disclosure of infidelity is
based on an interpersonal trauma model--a process of recovery and healing leading to
forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes
safety and addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the
vulnerabilities for the infidelity and telling the story of the affair comprise the middle
stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future
is the final stage of healing and forgiveness.

A wall of secrecy in the relationship and a window of intimacy in the affair

usually characterize these triangles. Reconstructing the relationship requires reversing
the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty
with the betrayed partner.

Establishing Safety. Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner
is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. All
personal discussions, coffee breaks, and phone calls must also be stopped. When the
affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business, and necessary or
unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust.

Telling the Story of the Affair. A guiding principle is how information will
enhance healing. However, a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness
never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions
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commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a detective and a criminal.

Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage
to relieve some of the pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex
questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the process
itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking
inquisition to the neutral process of information seeking--similar to a journalist and an
interviewee. The final phase is one of mutual exploration with an empathic process.

Signs of Recovery. When the couple has worked through the affair, the
following changes in the relationship are likely to have occurred: (1) the relationship is
stronger and is couple-centered rather than child-centered, (2) the vulnerabilities for
infidelity are understood and addressed as they occur, and 3) the couple has developed
trust, commitment, mutual empathy, and shared responsibility for change.

Bibliography

Amodeo, J. (1994). Love and betrayal: Broken trust in intimate relationships. NY:
Ballantine Books.
Glass, S. (2003). Not Just Friends. Free Press: New York.
Glass, S. (July/August, 1998). Shattered vows. Psychology Today, pp. 35-78.
Lusterman, D. (1998). Infidelity: A survival guide. New Harbinger.
Petersen, A. (1991). The myth of the greener grass. Tyndale House Publishers.
Pittman, F. (1989). Private lies: The betrayal of infidelity. W. W. Norton
Schneider, J., & Schneider, B. (1999). Sex, lies, and forgiveness: Couples speaking on
healing from sex addiction. Recovery Resources Press.
Abrahms Spring , J. (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when
a partner has been unfaithful. HarperCollins Publishers.
Subotnik, R., & Harris, G. (1999). Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering
from the pain. Bob Adams Press.
Weil, B. (1993) Adultery: The forgivable sin. Birch Lane Press.
Young, K. (1998). Caught in the net: How to recognize the signs of internet addiction--
And a winning strategy for recovery. John Wiley & Sons.

Internet Websites

www.Affairs-Help.com. by Emily Brown, author of Patterns of Infidelity and Affairs: A

Guide to Working through the Repercussions of Infidelity.
www.DearPeggy.com. by Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth.

09/08/06