Received 06/20/11

Revised 09/09/110
Accepted 02/21/12

Addressing Parent–Child Conflict:

Attachment-Based Interventions
With Parents
Aaron Kindsvatter and Kimberly J. Desmond
This article describes the use of attachment theory to address parent–child conflict. The authors propose that parent–
child conflict is attributable to the unmet attachment needs of both children and parents and that attachment insecurity
results in problematic patterns of attachment in parent–child relationships. Three conversational frames are presented
as a model for applying attachment theory to assist parents in resolving parent–child conflict.

Families often present for counseling with concerns pertaining Greenberg, 2008; Kenny, 1995; Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000;
to conflict between parents and their children. It may initially be Stoufe, Egeland, Carlson, & Collins, 2005), which emphasizes
assumed by parents that parent–child conflict is a manifestation the relevance of attachment as a construct to be considered in
of some internal disturbance or deficit central to the intrapersonal the context of family counseling.
functioning of the child (Bowlby, 1988; Crittenden, Claussen, & Some of the first empirical evidence pertaining to attachment
Kozlowska, 2007). Many contemporary counseling policies and and, more specifically, to the link between parental and child
practices also are inclined toward intrapersonal explanations for attachment behaviors emerged from research conducted by
the behavior of children in the context of parent–child conflict Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, and Wall (1978), who studied infant/
(Berlin, Zeanah, & Lieberman, 2008; Iwaniec, Larkin, & Mc- parent behaviors in response to a brief separation and subsequent
Sherry, 2007). For example, the provision of a diagnosis such reunion in the context of an anxiety-provoking situation (i.e., the
as oppositional defiant disorder (a common diagnosis in cases Strange Situation). Secure organization in infants was found to be
involving parent–child conflict) describes the behavioral and tem- associated with maternal sensitivity to infant need, while insecure
peramental symptoms of children while underemphasizing the forms of attachment (i.e., avoidant and resistant/ambivalent) were
relational context in which the symptoms manifest themselves. found to be associated with maternal rejection and the unpredict-
Counseling interventions that concentrate solely on the ability of nurturing responses. In related research, Main, Kaplan,
child and not on the parent–child relationship as a whole are and Cassidy (1985) found a strong link (r = .62) between the
problematical in that parent–child relational patterns often play attachment organization of infants and their parents. Similarly,
a significant role in the maintenance of parent–child conflict Fonagy, Steele, and Steele (1991) found that maternal attachment
(Berlin et al., 2008; Bowlby, 1988; DeKlyen & Greenberg, 2008; representations predicted infant attachment style in 75% of cases.
Hughes, 2007; Moran, Diamond, & Diamond, 2005). Thus, an The findings of the aforementioned research have since
exclusive therapeutic focus on the symptomatology of a child or been duplicated in numerous studies (Fonagy, Gergely, Jurist,
an adolescent in cases involving parent–child conflict is unlikely & Target, 2002; Fonagy, Steele, Steele, Moran, & Higgit, 1991;
to yield results, because such a focus would fail to address a Grienenberger, Kelly, & Slade, 2005; Slade, Grienenberger,
significant contributor to the underlying problem. Attachment Bernbach, Levy, & Locker, 2005). Thus, there is a clear indica-
theory provides a lens through which parent–child conflict can tion in the literature that there is an association between adult
be conceptualized. From an attachment perspective, parent–child attachment security and parental ability to intuit and respond to
conflict is attributable to the unmet attachment needs of both the attachment needs of children. Furthermore, the literature sug-
children and parents and to the resulting problematic patterns gests that there is an association between parental sensitivity to
of attachment in parent–child relationships (Hautamaki, Hauta- the needs of children and the development of attachment security
maki, Neuvonen, & Maliniemi-Piispanen, 2010). in children. This compelling body of research provides a sound
rationale for the continued development of counseling models
Empirical Support for the that can be used to explore and/or address parental attachment
insecurity in the context of parent–child conflict.
Application of Attachment Theory in
Parent–Child Conflict Attachment Insecurity and
There is now significant research supporting Bowlby’s (1988)
Emotional Regulation
assertions that children’s early relational experiences have an There has been an ongoing effort within the literature to
effect on later development (Berlin et al., 2008; DeKlyen & describe the interpersonal and intrapersonal experiences of
Aaron Kindsvatter, Counseling Program, University of Vermont; Kimberly J. Desmond, Department of Counseling, Indiana Uni-
versity of Pennsylvania. Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Aaron Kindsvatter, Counseling Program,
University of Vermont, 208 Colchester Avenue, Burlington, VT 05401 (e-mail: [email protected]).

© 2013 by the American Counseling Association. All rights reserved.

Journal of Counseling & Development ■ January 2013 ■ Volume 91 105
 Kindsvatter & Desmond

those with attachment insecurity in various contexts (Bailey, ties in relating to their own children. This was the case for
Morgan, Pederson, & Bento, 2007; Perry, 2009). A common Mrs. Q, the client described above. Mrs. Q experienced a
thread that runs through this literature pertains to the mecha- great deal of difficulty in relating to her infant son, who was
nisms that individuals develop to cope with experienced and failing to thrive. She described outbursts of rage that were
anticipated emotional and relational turmoil (Mikulincer, directed toward her son, during which she would kick his
Shaver, Sapir-Lavid, & Avihou-Kanza, 2009). Mikulincer and crib, break dishes, and experience an impulse to throw him
Shaver (2008) described these mechanisms as hyperactiva- out of a window. These experiences of rage seemed to be
tion and deactivation modes of emotional regulation. These associated with the displacement of anger pertaining to her
mechanisms constitute relational strategies designed to regu- experiences of parental neglect and, as her son continued to
late negative emotions resulting from perceived abandonment fail to thrive, an intense and chronic fear that her son would
threats and attachment injuries (Fraley, Niedenthal, Marks, die, in effect abandoning her.
Brumbaugh, & Vicary, 2006; Perry, 2009; Riggs, 2010). In many instances, parent–child conflict may involve a system
Hyperactivation strategies are associated with a preoccupa- of reciprocal functioning (Dozier & Kobak, 1992; Miljkovitch,
tion with having one’s attachment needs met and may involve Pierrehumbert, & Halfon, 2007). For example, a deactivating
behaviors such as proximity seeking, angry demands for parent who responds to an anxious child’s or adolescent’s pleas
attention, an intense desire to be comforted by others, and for comfort by dismissing may lead to increasingly vigorous
pleas for reassurance in the face of abandonment threats attempts (i.e., hyperactivation behaviors) on the part of the child
(Fraley et al., 2006; Fraley & Shaver, 1998). Deactivation or adolescent to provoke a parental nurturing response (e.g.,
strategies are associated with a desire to punish those who are attention seeking, behavior problems, intentional self-injury, or
perceived to have threatened abandonment, are an effort to substance abuse), which may instead provoke further parental
protect oneself from further harm or pain by distancing, and deactivation. Such patterns are likely to contribute to parent–child
may constitute a masked expression of rage or fear toward conflict as each person makes ineffective attempts to have his
significant others who are perceived to have abandoned or or her needs for proximity or distance met (Caffery & Erdman,
threatened abandonment (Cassidy & Kobak, 1988; Weger, 2000). Once established, such interaction patterns perpetuate
2006). These two mechanisms, hyperactivation and deac- themselves within relationships and transmit themselves across
tivation, could be thought of as the engines that drive the generations (Erzar & Simonic, 2010; Goodman, 2010). It is, as
behaviors of those involved in parent–child conflict. Bowlby (1988) noted, “a vicious cycle” (p. 99).

Parental Insecurity and Attachment-Based Therapeutic

Parent–Child Conflict Interventions in the Context of
It is often the case that parents who engage in chronic be- Parent–Child Conflict
haviors associated with attachment insecurity (e.g., clinging, In the context of parent–child conflict, the provision of a secure
distancing, parentification, dismissal of requests for comfort) base is characterized by parents’ willingness and ability to
were themselves subjected to such parenting behaviors as respond in a calm, attentive, consistent, and supportive manner
children (Bailey et al., 2007; Hautamaki et al., 2010). Indeed, to children’s and adolescent’s expressions of needs, fears, frus-
Bowlby (1988) and others (e.g., Iwaniec et al., 2007) noted trations, anger, and distress (Diamond, Siqueland, & Diamond,
that children in households with insecure parents are often 2003). In the application of attachment theory to the resolution of
subjected to various forms of parental abandonment threat. parent–child conflict, the parent’s, rather than the child’s, working
Bowlby (1988) illustrated the childhood experiences of a models are the primary focus of intervention. This is because
parent who had sought counseling because of her concerns changes in the parent’s behavior and subjective experiences of
that she was close to assaulting her infant son: the children directly effect changes in children’s and adolescent’s
working models of self and others (Berlin et al., 2008; Cooper,
On two occasions, Mrs. Q returned home to find her mother Hoffman, Powell, & Marvin, 2005; Slade et al., 2005). Thus, a
with her head in the gas oven, and at other times her mother focus in counseling on assisting parents to meet the attachment
would pretend to have deserted by disappearing for half a needs of their children in the context of parent–child conflict
day. . . . Mrs. Q grew up terrified that if she did anything is important. Three conversational frames are presented below
wrong, her mother would go. (p. 97) as a model for applying attachment theory to assist parents in
resolving parent–child conflict.
The behaviors of the parent in this example might be
interpreted as hyperactivation strategies designed to draw
attention to her pain and obtain reassurance of her importance
Engagement Frame
to others via abandonment threats. It is not unusual for adult The success of any therapeutic endeavor depends on the
children subjected to such circumstances to develop difficul- establishment of a collaborative, trusting, and open alliance

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Attachment-Based Interventions to Address Parent–Child Conflict

between the counselor and the client (Rait, 2000). Thus, it is dation, normalizing, and reflective listening, the empirically
important that counselors establish an engaged professional validated effects described earlier will manifest themselves.
relationship when working with parents regarding attach- The following case example is used to illustrate the support
ment issues. However, there are complexities associated frame. This example is based on our experience, but details
with engaging parents in a therapeutic process that involves have been changed to maintain confidentiality.
the exploration of attachment themes. In such conversations, Lauren (age 42) brought Zack (age 11) to counseling for
consideration often must be given not only to the parent’s concerns pertaining to Zack’s behavior and mental health.
childhood experiences, which may involve a painful return to Zack was engaging in behaviors that resulted in his being
trauma, but also to how those experiences may have influenced expelled from school and in his being involved in the criminal
a parent’s style of relating to his or her children. For many justice system. For example, Zack brought a toy gun to school
parents, the parental role is a significant source of personal and engaged in frequent shoplifting. In addition, Zack suffered
identity, and discussions of problems experienced within this from enuresis that did not respond to established treatment
role may be associated with significant vulnerability, distress, protocols. It became apparent that there was a pattern in Zack
and guilt (Hughes, 2007). and Lauren’s relationship. Zack would make demands for
It is also important to note that some parents experiencing Lauren’s attention through misbehavior (i.e., hyperactivation
parent–child conflict may be operating from internal work- strategies), and Lauren would respond with exasperation,
ing models that are oriented toward intrapersonal shame and anger, and distancing (i.e., deactivation strategies). Lauren
interpersonal distrust (Slade et al., 2005). Therefore, it is not reported initially that she was exhausted by all that was go-
surprising that some parents may find it difficult to engage ing on with Zack. She was exhibiting a disinclination to be
with the counselor about their experiences of, and contribu- involved in the counseling process because she was fatigued
tions to, parent–child conflict because of expectations that the by Zack’s behavior and because she was concerned that she
counselor will humiliate, criticize, or blame them (Bowlby, would be blamed for Zack’s problems. The support frame was
1988; Skourteli & Lennie, 2011). used in initial conversations with Lauren about her experi-
Counselors can be helpful in assisting parents to discuss ences of Zack’s behavior.
difficulties associated with parent–child conflict by providing
a supportive therapeutic environment (Fosha, 2004; Pistole, Lauren: Yesterday he stole a part off of a door. I don’t get
1989). Bowlby (1988), in discussing the therapeutic environ- it! Off of a door! And so now I have to attend another
ment necessary for addressing attachment concerns, noted meeting because this is the third time he’s violated his
the importance of counselors providing a secure base from behavior contract.
which clients can explore attachment issues. Specifically, he Counselor: So this isn’t just impacting Zack, it’s impacting
indicated that, in constructing the therapeutic environment, you as well. (Reflective listening)
the counselor “accepts and respects his patient, warts and all, Lauren: Yes, and I’m done with it. I wanted to drop him
as a fellow human being in trouble, [and] . . . the therapist off at the door. I was like, “Just fix him and send him
strives to be reliable, attentive, empathic, and sympatheti- back.” I don’t want to deal with this, and I don’t want
cally responsive” (p. 172). Although not defined as such, the to hear how this is all my fault.
provision of a secure base in counseling with parents has Counselor: Yeah, I get that. You’re running around trying
received empirical support. Friedlander, Lambert, and de la to fix things for Zack, and you’re tired. It makes sense
Peña (2008) found that a parental sense of safety in the thera- to me that you’re fed up with the situation and that
peutic environment contributed to a willingness of parents to you don’t want to be blamed for it. That’s important.
take risks and explore issues nondefensively and to positive (Validation)
counseling outcomes. Furthermore, counselor engagement Lauren: I just wonder what’s going on here. He’s in trouble
and emotional connection with family members has been all the time, he wets the bed, and I don’t know what
found to be associated with family members’ engagement and to do.
emotional connection with the counselor and with each other Counselor: It sounds like you have some questions about
(Escudero, Friedlander, Varela, & Abascal, 2008; Friedlander, what’s going on with your family, just like most people
Lambert, Escudero, & Cragun, 2008). This body of research do from time to time. (Normalizing)
provides an empirical basis for the provision of a secure base
as a means of engaging with parents around attachment issues Lauren presented for counseling confused about her son’s
in the context of parent–child conflict. behavior and concerned about being humiliated by those in-
The key terms from Bowlby’s (1988) description of a se- volved in his case. Understandably, she was reluctant to meet
cure base (described earlier) provide direction and conceptual with a counselor to discuss her problems with her son. The
stability for the engagement of parents regarding attachment support frame can be used as a way to extend an invitation
issues. If counselors attempt to adopt Bowlby’s concepts of for clients to join a process about which they may initially
acceptance, respect, and attentiveness through the use of vali- feel reluctant (Oswald, 1996).

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 Kindsvatter & Desmond

Exploration Frame However, this conversation took place after several sessions,
once the therapeutic alliance was well established.
Parental insecurity is associated with attachment recollections
and narratives (i.e., meanings made from recollections) that Counselor: Can you give me an example of a time when
are either fractured and inconsistent in the case of preoccupied you and Zack were involved in a conflict? When was
attachment or, in the case of avoidant attachment, idealized or the last time that happened? (Exploring manifestation
perceived to be beyond recollection (Fonagy, Steele, Steele, of attachment problem)
Moran, & Higgit, 1991; Main et al., 1985). Both of these types Lauren: Last week. He came up to me and was kind of
of attachment organization are representative of a defensive sheepish. I asked him what the problem was and he
posture toward, or inhibited development around, emotional said he “sort of had an accident” on my bed. He meant
connection with others, thus preventing accurate or coherent he wet on my bed. He went into my room, fell asleep,
meaning making of attachment experiences (Fonagy, Steele, and wet the bed! There’s no way that he didn’t do that
Steele, Moran, & Higgit, 1991). This prevents parents from on purpose. I mean what is wrong with him?!
using their own attachment experiences to inform the devel- Counselor: Okay, that’s a helpful example. So what was
opment of accurate constructions and intuition pertaining going on for you when you were talking with Zack
to the attachment needs of children. Research suggests that about this? (Exploring manifestation of attachment
before parents can engage in changes to better meet the needs problem)
of their children, they must first reorganize their attachment Lauren: I was furious with him. I was so angry. I yelled
constructions to make accurate and coherent meaning out of and asked him why he does these things. It was like
their experiences (Fonagy, Steele, & Steele, 1991; Slade et when he took the fake gun to school and then told
al., 2005). Research has suggested that counseling can be a everyone about it.
means to this end (Pearson, Cohn, Cowan, & Cowan, 1994). Counselor: So what impact does that have on how you re-
Insecurely attached adults who experience secure rela- late to Zack? When he wets the bed and takes toy guns
tionships, including positive therapeutic relationships, can to school? (Exploring effect of attachment problem)
reevaluate their attachment experiences to arrive at coherent Lauren: Distance. I feel like I want to get away from him.
and realistic perspectives pertaining to those experiences. In It feels like “stuck” to me.
so doing, parents are better positioned to adjust their manner Counselor: “Stuck” like now you’re “stuck” dealing with
of interacting with their children to meet their children’s at- another sticky situation?
tachment needs (Pearson et al., 1994). The body of research Lauren: No, “stuck” like he’s “stuck” to my leg. It’s like
mentioned earlier led to our interest in designing the explora- he’s always after me with something. One minute he’s
tion frame of this model. The exploration frame is designed to taking a toy gun to school, another he’s stealing, and
help parents make meaning out of their own experiences and then he’s wetting the bed. It’s like he’s constantly in
help them use those experiences to eventually inform their my life saying “Hey now I’m doing something else!
constructions about child and adolescent needs and behaviors. Notice me! Help me! Figure me out! Fix me!”
Counselors might think about exploring attachment issues Counselor: That sounds terribly difficult. So Zack is
across three domains: the origins, manifestations, and effects saying, “Look at me! Look at me!” And you’re saying
of attachment problems. Exploration of the origins of attach- . . . ? (Exploring manifestation of attachment problem)
ment problems involves discussing key themes, events, or Lauren: I’m saying “leave me be for God’s sake!”
relationships in the parent’s past, or across generations, that Counselor: Thanks for helping me to understand that a
influence current relationships. Exploration of the manifesta- little better. So is this typical? Is this what’s going
tions of attachment problems involves investigating the role on between you and Zack when there’s conflict? He
that attachment problems play in problematic interactions. wants to be sticky, and you want to get him off of
This often involves discussing ideas about motivation behind you? (Exploring manifestation of attachment problem)
both parental and child hyperactivation and deactivation Lauren: Yes, yes that’s it.
strategies. Exploration of the effects of attachment problems Counselor: So now we know something about what this
involves questioning the effect that attachment problems have looks like. We can recognize it when it happens. So I
on current relationships and are likely to have in the future of have a strange question, aside from your relationship
those relationships. Such conversations may serve to make with Zack, does this conflict feel familiar to you?
the influence of attachment themes in parent–child conflict Have you had that same “sticky” feeling with others
more concrete and thus easier to recognize and address, as the in a way that’s caused problems? (Exploring origins
long-term effects of such influences are explored, followed to of attachment theme)
their anticipated ends, and traced to probable origins. Lauren: Oh, this is sad. That is a sad question. I don’t
The following case illustrates the exploration frame. The think I’ve said, but things were really bad in my house
following is a continuation of the case described earlier. growing up. Both of my parents drank, and fought all

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Attachment-Based Interventions to Address Parent–Child Conflict

the time. No, other people haven’t been “sticky” for conflict is referred to as reflective functioning (Fonagy,
me, but I was sticky. In a way, I suppose I was like Steele, & Steele, 1991; Slade, 2005). Counselors might assist
Zack growing up. That was me. I was the “invisible parents in moving toward reflective functioning by relational
child.” I remember throwing mud at cars passing on reframe interventions. Research has indicated that relational
our street. I knew I would get in trouble, but it did reframing is effective in shifting parental constructions from
get me noticed. So I did it a lot even though I kept an intrapersonal deficit orientation toward their children, to a
getting in trouble for it. focus on the parent–child relationship (Moran et al., 2005).
Counselor: So your way of being “visible” to your mom Thus, relational reframing is a useful vehicle for orienting
and dad was by getting into trouble. By throwing therapeutic conversations toward parental insights attained
mud at cars. (Exploring origins of attachment theme) in the exploration phase. Relational reframing is designed to
Lauren: Yes. It was a way to get noticed by them, even draw parental attention to the link between the parent–child
when they were drunk. relationship and the problematic behaviors exhibited by
Counselor: So what Zack is doing is familiar to you? He’s the child or adolescent. Relational reframing involves the
“throwing mud at cars” in the same way that you did? counselor modeling reflection (i.e., “I wonder” statements
(Exploring manifestation of attachment problem) designed to draw attention to key interactions) or by raising
Laruen: Yes, I can’t believe it, but yes. He’s “throwing tentative hypotheses pertaining to the child or adolescent’s
mud at cars.” internal experiences of need when presented with child or
Counselor: But for him “throwing mud at cars” looks like adolescent behaviors that cause parents confusion or con-
bed wetting and stealing and so forth. sternation. This is illustrated in a continuation of the case
Lauren: Yes. introduced earlier.

In this conversation, the counselor and the client explored Lauren: Yesterday he “lost” my car keys. I was so angry
the manifestation, effects, and origins of the attachment theme with him. It was just another thing that I’ve got to
that was occurring between Lauren and Zack. This conversa- deal with. Then, after looking around for an hour, I
tion clarified the relational pattern between Lauren and Zack, found them in his jacket pocket. I don’t know what
which engendered possibilities for additional interventions is wrong with him.
discussed in the following sections. Counselor: Hmm. I wonder about that. I wonder what was
going on for him when he lost the car keys. (Model-
Change Frame ing reflection)
Lauren: I don’t know.
The exploration frame provides a foundation for the change Counselor: Losing the car keys sounds in some ways
frame. After attachment themes are recognizable to parents— like wetting the bed and stealing pieces off the door.
their manifestations, effects, and origins more clear—steps (Raising a tentative hypothesis)
can be taken to assist parents in addressing attachment issues Lauren: You think by losing the car keys he was “throw-
as they pertain to the maintenance of parent–child conflict. ing mud at cars?”
The change frame might be understood broadly as address- Counselor: If that’s true, I wonder what it is that he’s after?
ing two tasks: facilitating reflective functioning and assisting It’s almost like getting in trouble is his way of asking
parents to generate alternative responses. you for something. (Modeling reflection and raising
tentative hypothesis)
Facilitating Reflective Functioning
One of the important objectives of attachment-based counsel- The establishment of reflective functioning begins to al-
ing in the context of parent–child conflict is to assist parents to low parents to respond to what children or adolescents are
move from conceptualizing a child or an adolescent in terms likely feeling or needing rather than responding based on
of his or her behavior, especially in terms of negative attribu- constructions associated with behavior. In this illustration, the
tions based on that behavior (e.g., he’s lazy, sick, confusing, counselor raised tentative hypotheses and modeled reflective
disordered), toward understanding the child or adolescent’s questioning to assist the client in thinking about the needs
internal experiences that drive problematic behavior (Fonagy, driving her son’s behavior.
Steele, & Steele, 1991; Slade, 2005; Slade et al., 2005). When
parents understand the internal experiences that drive children Generating Alternative Responses
and adolescents’ emotional dysregulation, they are in a better When faced with hyperactivation or deactivation behaviors,
position to meet the needs of the child or adolescent and thus parents should be able to respond in an appropriate way to
reduce conflict (Miljkovitch et al., 2007). meet the underlying needs of children or adolescents who
The parental ability to conceptualize the internal experi- are engaging in such behaviors (Slade, 2005). Research has
ences of a child or adolescent in the midst of parent–child suggested that the generation of new responses based on

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 Kindsvatter & Desmond

parental insights gained in counseling (e.g., during the explo- suggests that changes in parental attachment conceptualiza-
ration phase) is a useful means to this end (Diamond, Reis, tions lead to changes in child and adolescent working models.
Diamond, Siqueland, & Isaacs, 2002). Assisting parents in However, it is important to note that there are other tasks that
generating alternative responses might include (a) revisiting may be associated with the resolution of parent–child attach-
past examples of problem situations and conceptualizing al- ment problems that our model does not address. For example,
ternatives or (b) assisting parents in rehearsing alternatives in our model does not address methods for counseling children
preparation for anticipated difficulties (Diamond et al., 2003). and adolescents around issues associated with attachment.
This is illustrated in the following case example, which is a Nor does this model address the emotional work needed to es-
continuation of the conversation presented earlier. tablish or repair relational bonds in parent–child relationships.
Our decision not to include these aspects of treatment in our
Counselor: So by “losing” your car keys Zack was “throw- model was based on our belief that other models (Diamond
ing mud at cars?” et al., 2002; Hughes, 2007) have comprehensively addressed
Lauren: I think so and I know what you’re going to say. this aspect of attachment work with families.
He “throws mud at cars,” and I yell and kick him out, Although we recognize that manifestations of attachment
and so he throws more mud at cars, right? anxiety may appear very different in children compared with
Counselor: I suspect that’s the case. If that is what’s go- adolescents (e.g., children may throw tantrums to express
ing on between you and Zack, is there anything you needs for proximity, while adolescents may engage in risky
would change about how you responded to him when behaviors), we think that this model is applicable to parents
he “lost” the keys? (Encouraging conceptualization with children of a wide range of ages. This is because the
of alternatives) principles pertaining to attachment that drive problematic
Lauren: Well my first instinct was to just get away from behaviors and relationships are fundamentally the same re-
him. To get him out of my life. But I guess that’s gardless of the age of the child or adolescent. However, it is
what’s not working. important to note that there are circumstances under which
Counselor: So maybe this is about keeping Zack in your the application of this model to parent–child conflict may not
life when he “throws mud at cars” by “losing” the be appropriate. For example, in cases that involve severely
keys or wetting the bed. What would that look like? pathological parenting, such as cases involving the diagnosis
(Encouraging conceptualization of alternatives) of reactive attachment disorder in children or adolescents,
Lauren: I had a teacher once. I got angry and threw a more intensive services are needed.
box of supplies in her class. I was out of control, and Additionally, there may be manifestations of parent–child
I expected her to be really angry, because it looked conflict that have little to do with attachment, and, in such
like such a big mess. Instead of getting angry she circumstances, this model may have little relevance. For
said something like, “Don’t worry, we’ll work on it example, secure parents and adolescents may engage in
together.” normative developmental conflict around family rules and
Counselor: So when Zack loses the keys or wets the bed, involvement as the adolescent achieves greater autonomy with
what would it sound like if you were going to bring age. In such circumstances, the application of other models
your teacher’s perspective in on this? (Encouraging of counseling may be more appropriate.
conceptualization of alternatives)
Lauren: Well, if he wet my bed I guess I could say “Well Conclusion
okay, not a big deal, I guess we have some sheets to
change together.” When he lost my keys I wish I would Attachment experiences might be likened to tectonic forces on
have said, “No big deal, let’s see if we can find them the earth. Just as pressures from the collision of tectonic plates
because I don’t want to be late.” create features such as mountains, the effects of attachment
experiences create certain landscapes of intra- and interpersonal
In this conversation, the client and the counselor worked to functioning in clients’ lives. In a general sense, relational difficul-
generate alternative responses to parental distancing in the midst ties associated with attachment might be thought of as stemming
of parent–child conflict. Information gained from the explora-
from attempts to gain something that is perceived to be needed
tion frame was used as a basis to discuss alternative responses.
(e.g., assurances that one is valued) or to avoid something that is
viewed as threatening (e.g., relational vulnerability). Such needs,
Limitations when explored in counseling, may reveal themselves in patterns
The focus of this article is on facilitating changes in parental that have the potential of straining relationships with others (Mi-
cognition associated with attachment through facilitation kulincer et al., 2009). We have explored this phenomenon from
of reflection and the subsequent reorganization of parental an attachment perspective and have suggested means by which
attachment schemas. We were interested in expanding the counselors may plan treatment when assisting clients struggling
literature in this direction because of compelling research that with issues associated with parent–child conflict.

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