“The Friday Aggravate” 24th March 2006

The Aussie Sales Pitch: THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager
asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the
Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he
got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked “OK, so how many
sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "Just one."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale for?

"....... £ 124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed £ 124,237.64 POUNDS. What the hell did you sell
him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish
hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I
said.........'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

From “The Laird” came this one.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle
named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies
and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's
lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the
intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks,
"Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he
immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat. Just as

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the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard
halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into
the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures
he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
leopard
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming
with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's
that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send or give this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer
people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged"
than others!!!!

Then Like me he is feeling his age. Aren’t you?

WHICH GENERATION ARE YOU?
"Hey Mom," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favourite fast food
when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I
informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a
place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got
home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what
she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious
internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to
leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course,
travelled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had
something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or
maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he
died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had
heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one
speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my
grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a
piece of coloured plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and
the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for

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programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.
Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 1956 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I
burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself
against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room
and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some
people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a
newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I
had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from
my customers. My favourite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me
to keep the change. My least favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be
home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching
someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in
movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we
weren't allowed to see them.
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought
me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes
in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they
had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the
end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were
told about-Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum (All Wrigley’s in Australia)
2. Wax Coke- shaped bottles with coloured sugar water (Never had them)
3. Candy cigarettes (White with a dab of red on the end for make believe.)
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side juke boxes (Milk bars.)
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers (If you were slow taking
them in the milk went sour.)
7. Party phone lines
8. Newsreels before the movies. (Still miss them)
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax (Fishers Wax for the Aussies)

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11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Pea shooters
13. Howdy Doody (Nothing changed here from G’day mate.)
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17 Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards. And Holden cars
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins (How could we forget them and the population explosion.)
24. Studebakers or FJ Holdens in Australia
25. Washing machines with wringers; and washtubs for rinsing
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....

Now there is no way I’m telling where this one came from, but she will recognise it.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The
man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a
toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself, you know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."

Ms Lola Wabbit’s submission:

It's a dog’s life

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may
I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked

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Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise
the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once
round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog
is pushing her home."

Then “Jenny Wren” sent this in taken

from Kochie’s emails from The Sunrise
show on Southern Cross TV

An elderly gentleman, in his mid-90s, very

well-dressed, well-groomed, great looking
suit, flower in his lapel, sporting a slight
scent of expensive aftershave, walks into
an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, in her

80s.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, then turns and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"

And……

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The
lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and
ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests
his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in
my life." He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

What do you do with a relative like this one? (Suzi Q)

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after
hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The NRMA is not an option. I will win.

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at
the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind
as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care
of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.

You never get as sick as I do, so this isn't a problem for you!

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "tofu." For all I know,
these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it
apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch
TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one
time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is
always either sex, cars or football I have to make up something else when you ask, so
don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit
us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up
something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're
crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing
five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we please just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the
dishes, and I'll do the rest..... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the
garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

The man who wrote this should be out of intensive care shortly. I wonder why.

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Now is any woman game enough to write a similar item that explains a female of the
species for the men to understand? I doubt it.

This is great and takes a lot of skill towards the end so keep a steady hand.

Apparently only 1 in 10 people are able to finish it. Needs sound .

Click on the link below.

http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/6489/a-maze-
ing_new_cursor3.swf

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all
pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other two asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so i will have a boy". The red head said,
"If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES,
PUPPIES!".

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people
running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man
took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep". The Devil stared at the old man and
asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a
minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared
of you?"

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A
leading local politician and member of the Congregation was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had
almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to
his sister.

"I was appalled. "But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that
and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. "

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the
first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of
being the first one to go to him in confession."

Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the
change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's

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tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready. The day wore on, Shane bowled
a few over’s and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces
but no one dared ask about the panties.

Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between over's and gently whispered to him.
"Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a
bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please
tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some
drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not!
Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls
out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the
dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town
in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being?"

"Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of
this mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up

8
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have
a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a
modern woman, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds
up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah!!". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mum and the next day is waiting for him on her new boy's bike. The little
boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mum can't buy you one!!!".

The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" To which she
promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that
as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

The same little girl’s mother rendered this story. “When I was six months pregnant
with my third child, my three year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into
the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, sweetheart,
remember Mommy has baby growing in her tummy." "I know", she replied, "but what’s
growing in your bum?"

Now here is a yarn with a moral.

An Australian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He

had completed tours in Timor, and just returned from Iraq. One of the courses had a
professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll
give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up
to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was
out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students
were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the

Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did
you do that?" The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today
protecting Australia's Soldiers who are protecting your right to
say stupid shit and act like an arsehole, so He sent me."

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so
good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the
world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he

turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and patience for his
moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need. (Then how come there are some women like men, who aren’t
satisfied with one man and hunt out others?)

With that kind folks I will say farewell for this week. Just keep the stories rolling in, so
I can roll “em out.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

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