The Friday Aggravate 15th September 2006

I thought that this image was worth inclusion, not only for the artwork,
but the associated thought that was included.

A Queensland station hand rode into town and stopped at a pub for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his pig gun into the air, caught it above his head without even
looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you bastards stole my
horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the
time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Quilpie! And I don't like to have to do
what I dun in Quilpie!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and
started to ride out of town.

The barman wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say cobber, before you go,
what happened in Quilpie?" The stockman turned back and said, "I had tuh walk
home."

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast just
off Bunbury.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next
morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, some good news and maybe some really good news".

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"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad
news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found
her lying in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really
good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've
brought you your share."

And he hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in
it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock
and we're gonna head back over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin'
with us?"

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go

shopping.

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless
your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few
months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Wayne Murray - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Wayne Murray has
done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in
house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay by.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

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9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked
his nose, and ate it.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then
yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Boy you are going to love this one, and it’s clean and tidy what’s more.

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old

lady following him around. If he stopped, she
stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She
finally overtook him at the checkout, and she
turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you
feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like
my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye,
Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so
happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she
was on her way out of the store, the man called
out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay
for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"WHAT? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."
DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES......
(Watch out for little old ladies called Janine, Jean, or Pam. Editor.)

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body:
"Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence
the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25,
won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah,"
says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal,
30, he was struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

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"Ah, he thought he was having his photo taken."

There are a lot of people who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in Australia Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered
to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is
purely geographical. All our oil is in Bass Straight, outback South Australia., North
West Shelf and the Timor Sea. All our dipsticks are in Canberra.

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew
it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made
sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed

delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat
and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around
me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on
like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I

quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and
folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold,
and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but
you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to
her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two
words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may
say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary
Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary
Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister
Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but
bitch since you got here."

We should all be aware of the following moves to harmonise the

language:

The European commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that
would become known as "Euro-English" (or preferably, "SI English").

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil
servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should
klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing
publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced
with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach
the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben
a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful
and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and
"w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and
after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you
anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In
other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

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"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God. "Well, " says the scientist, "we can take
dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.
"

"Well now, that's interesting. Show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth
and starts to mould the soil. "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own
dirt."

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one
day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere
crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and
that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink
himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and
wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in,
choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all
stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his
throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor...
and all could see that he was walking, not sideways... but FORWARDS... yes
FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King
lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush... for quite a while... finally, the crab
spoke...... "Bloody hell, I'm pissed."

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out
walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but,
I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy,
"Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm.
Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay",
said St. Peter,

"You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass
before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word
with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now piss off".

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he

reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he

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thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her
father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

The little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl,
looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden!" she said.

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible
permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually

rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his
appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the
interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" The young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice
that you have no ears." The General got very angry at the officer's lack of
tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different
about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The general threw her
out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked
extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined
(surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same
question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the
Gunny said, "Yes sir, you wear contact lenses." The General was very
impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't
mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?", the General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses
with no f@#&%*g ears."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that,
when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called
or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

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The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly,
she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her
boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Just what is the truth? Read on and you decide.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

This is from a nun, which goes to show that they have a sense of humour
life anyone else. Courtesy of “The Laird.”

A furniture dealer from Louisiana decided that he wanted to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could
find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met
with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell
well back home in Louisiana. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed
that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young
Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not
understand), and motioned toward the chair. So he invited her to sit down. He
tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a

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couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a
picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass
of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a
picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and
found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They
ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple
dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a
napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he is still trying to figure out how the hell she knew he was in the
furniture business....

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Doctor's Appointment - Seniors (Yep I can relate to this from many years
ago.)

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what
was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused
some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions
in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked
out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong
with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly
and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear,
Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

And with that I am DONE. Hopefully this labour of love has satisfied all
your needs and desires and hopefully you’ll all be richer for the
experience.

Also, maybe I am just full of bullshit. Maybe. In the mean time feel free to
tell your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pizza delivery guys and

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parliamentary members to check out The Friday Aggravate but I will not
be able to guarantee your safety.

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