PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Reading 2 : A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS

UNIT 3: BUILDING AND MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed nine aspects
of their relationships with their mother, their father, their best
MODULE 9 : Personal Relationships same-sex friend, their most important sibling, and their most
important teacher. These aspects were admiration, affection,
BIG QUESTION : How does knowing more about attraction, love, companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, intimacy, nurturance,
reliable alliance, and satisfaction with the relationship. Early
and commitment help you become more responsible in a
adolescents (11 through 13 years of age) gave higher ratings
relationship?
than did middle (14 through 16years of age) and late (17 through
19 years of age) adolescents for all relationships on most
Objectives: At the end of this module, you will be able to: attributes. Except for intimacy and nurturance, middle
adolescents' ratings were higher than those of late adolescents
1. discuss an understanding of teen-age relationships, including but only for some relationships. The observed trends are
the acceptable and unacceptable expressions of attractions, interpreted with respect to several social, social cognitive, and
2. express your ways of showing attraction, love, and cognitive changes taking place over the span of adolescence.
commitment; and
3. identify ways to become responsible in a relationship. Reading 2 : WHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE
IMPORTANT
Reading 1 : WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL Healthy relationships are a vital component of health
RELATIONSHIPS? and wellbeing. There is compelling evidence that strong
relationships contribute to a long, healthy, and happy life.
The concept of relationship is very broad and complex.
Conversely, the health risks from being alone or isolated in one's
In our model, personal relationships refer to close connections
life are comparable to the risks associated with cigarette
between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. smoking, blood pressure, and obesity.
These bonds often grow from and are strengthened by mutual Research shows that HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS can
experiences. help you:
Relationships are not static; they are continually • Live longer. A review of 148 studies found that people with
evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills, strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely.
information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model Similarly, Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates that
there are three kinds of personal relationships: committing to a life partner can add 3 years to life expectancy
(Researchers Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have found
1. Family that men’s life expectancy benefits from marriage more than
The concept of "family" is an essential component in any women’s do.)
discussion of relationships, but this varies greatly from person to • Deal with stress. The support offered by a caring friend can
provide a buffer against the effects of stress. In a study of over
person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more
100 people, researchers found that people who completed a
persons who are related by birth, marriage, or adoption and who
stressful task experienced a faster recovery when they were
live together as one household." But many people have family reminded of people with whom they had strong relationships.
they don't live with or to whom they are not bonded by love, and (Those who were reminded of stressful relationships, on the other
the roles of family vary across cultures as well as throughout your hand, experienced even more stress and higher blood pressure.)
own lifetime. Some typical characteristics of a family are support, • Be healthier. According to research by psychologist Sheldon
mutual trust, regular interactions, shared beliefs and values, Cohen, college students who reported having strong
security, and a sense of community. relationships were half as likely to catch a common cold when
Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in exposed to the virus. In addition, 2012 international Gallup poll
human nature, its definition has evolved considerably in the past found that people who feel they have friends and family to count
three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can on are generally more satisfied with their personal health than
provide as much comfort and support as traditional forms. people who feel isolated. And hanging out with healthy people
increases your own likelihood of health—in their book
Connected, Christakis and Fowler show that non-obese people
2. Friends
are more likely to have non-obese friends because healthy habits
A friendship can be thought of as a close tie between spread through our social networks.
two people that is often built upon mutual experiences, shared • Feel richer. A survey by the National Bureau of Economic
interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able to Research of 5,000 people found that doubling your group of
turn to each other in times of need. Nicholas Christakis and friends has the same effect on your wellbeing as a 50% increase
James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the in income!
book Connected, find that the average person has about six close
ties—though some have more, and many have only one or none. On the other hand, LOW SOCIAL SUPPORT is linked to a
Note that online friends don’t count toward close ties— number of health consequences, such as:
research indicates that a large online network isn’t nearly as ❖ Depression. Loneliness has long been commonly
powerful as having a few close, real-life friends. associated with depression, and now research is
backing this correlation up: a 2012 study of breast
cancer patients found that those with fewer satisfying
3. Partnerships
social connections experienced higher levels of
Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close
depression, pain, and fatigue.
relationships formed between two people that are built upon
affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually
experience this kind of relationship with only one person at a
time.
Source : Personal Development Reader by Department of Education, Republic of the Philippines, First Edition, 2016
 ❖ Decreased immune function. The authors of the same 25. An unsupportive partner during pregnancy and/or significant
study also found a correlation between loneliness and problems after the birth of your baby.
immune system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of
social connections can increase your chances of We wouldn’t be surprised if you have found that you are
becoming sick. experiencing several of these relationship problems, but you
❖ Higher blood pressure. University of Chicago know what? However difficult this time is for you we promise you
researchers who studied a group of 229 adults over five that this too will pass. We are rooting for you and we know that
years found that loneliness could predict higher blood you will be happy again. You don’t have to wait and hope for
pressure even years later, indicating that the effects of better times – together we can do something about it now!
isolation have longlasting consequences. The person you love (or used to love) was always bound
According to psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and to hurt you - it's sadly a fact of life and we all do it to each other.
Richard Schwartz, SOCIAL ALIENATION is an inevitable However, we can become better at solving our relationship
result of contemporary society's preoccupation with problems by taking responsibility for ourselves.
materialism and frantic "busy-ness." Their decades of
research support the idea that a lack of relationships can Reading 5 : NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
cause multiple problems with physical, emotional, and
spiritual health. The research is clear and devastating: Connect with your family
ISOLATION IS FATAL. One of the biggest challenges for families to stay
connected is the busy pace of life. But Blue Zones research
Reading 4 : 25 MOST COMMON RELATIONSHIP states that the healthiest, longest-living people in the world all
PROBLEMS have something in common: they put their families first. Family
Here is the list of the most common relationship problems most support can provide comfort, support, and even influence better
often encountered by couples health outcomes while you are sick. Relationships and family
1. Affairs / infidelity / cheating. This includes emotional author MIMI DOE recommends connecting with family by
infidelity, one-night stands, internet relationships (including letting little grievances go, spending time together, and
‘sexting’), long- and short-term affairs and financial infidelity expressing love and compassion to one another. Of course,
2. Sexual Issues, particularly loss of libido and including the same practices apply to close friends as well. This is
questions around your gender, or your partner's gender 3. especially important if you don’t have living family, or have
Significant differences in core values and beliefs experienced difficult circumstances, such as abuse, that would
4. Life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have make it difficult for you to connect with your relatives.
‘changed’ significantly for whatever reason
5. Traumatic and/or Life-Changing Events Practice gratitude
6. Responses to prolonged periods of Stress, such as Work- Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive
Related Stress, long-term illness, mental health issues, emotions, and its effects can strengthen friendships and intimate
Financial Problems, problems with the children, infertility relationships. One 2010 study found that expressing gratitude
and many more toward a partner can strengthen the relationship, and this
7. Bored in or with Your Relationship positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who
8. Dealing with a jealous partner expresses gratitude and the one who receives it.
9. Having 'blended' family issues Remembering to say “thank you” when a friend listens or your
10. Domestic violence, which includes verbal as well as spouse brings you a cup of coffee can set off an upward spiral of
physical abuse: THE most serious relationship problem. 11. trust, closeness, and affection.
Knowing you should not have got married in the first place!
12. Lack of responsibility regarding finances, children, health Learn to forgive
and many other issues It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in
13. Unrealistic Expectations- still thinking your partner / spouse relationships, but your choice about how to handle the hurt can
is the princess / knight and not seeing the 'real' human being have a powerful effect on the healing process. Choosing to
14. Addictions - substance abuse forgive can bring about a variety of benefits, both physical
15. Excessive reliance on social media, at the cost of the and emotional. FRED LUSKIN, head of the Stanford
relationship Forgiveness Project, says it’s easier to let go of the anger or hurt
16. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people feelings associated with a circumstance if you remind yourself
that matter to you that much of your distress is really coming from the thoughts and
17. Manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with feelings you are having right now while remembering the event—
family or friends not the event itself. Don’t be afraid to clearly articulate why you
18. Lack of communication about important matters are upset, but once the other party has listened, be willing to lay
19. Poor division of and / or one-sided lack of responsibility for down your anger and move on.
chores and tasks. It is not always women who complain about
this relationship problem! Be compassionate
20. Perceived lack of concern, care and consideration / Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself
attentiveness: feeling the relationship is one-sided is a big one! and others, even in painful times, with a gentle, nonjudgmental
21. Significant personal disappointments and traumas that lead attitude. When you feel compassionate toward another person—
to a change in relationship dynamics whether a romantic partner, friend, relative, or colleague— you
22. Long term depression or other mental health issues suffered open the gates for better communication and a stronger bond.
by one partner or both This doesn’t mean taking on the suffering of others, or absorbing
23. Significant differences in opinion on how to discipline / deal their emotions. Rather, compassion is the practice of
with the children recognizing when someone else is unhappy or whose needs
24. Long-term stress, particularly when not taking responsibility aren’t being met and feeling motivated to help them. We are
for doing something positive to address the cause, or about an imitative species: when compassion is shown to us, we return
learning to handle it if it cannot be changed it.

Source : Personal Development Reader by Department of Education, Republic of the Philippines, First Edition, 2016
Accept others Life will present turns in the road. How you maneuver those twists
It is also important to be accepting of the other and turns determines the success of your relationship.
person in the relationship. Obviously, this DOES NOT apply
in situations of abuse or unhealthy control, where you need 8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO
foremost to protect yourself. But otherwise, try to understand THRIVE
where the person is coming from rather than judge them. As you Treasure your beloved and your relationship will flourish.
do for yourself, have a realistic acceptance of the other's
strengths and weaknesses and remember that change occurs 9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY
over time. Happily ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh
and vital.
Create rituals together
With busy schedules and the presence of online social 10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL
media that offer the façade of real contact, it’s very easy to drift IN LOVE
from friends. In order to nurture the closeness and support of You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to
friendships, you have to make an effort to connect. Gallup remember them when you fall under the enchanting spell of love.
researcher Tom Rath has found that people who deliberately
make time for gatherings or trips enjoy stronger relationships and Reading 7 : KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
more positive energy. An easy way to do this is to create a Good relationships are fun and make you feel good
standing ritual that you can share and that doesn’t create more about yourself. The relationships that you make in your youth
stress—talking on the telephone on Fridays, for example, or years will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of
sharing a walk during lunch breaks, are ways to keep in contact the most important lessons about who you are. Truly good
with the ones you care about the most. relationships take time and energy to develop. All relationships
should be based on respect and honesty, and this is especially
Spend the right amount of time together important when you decide to date someone.
Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora
found that people who spend 6-7 hours per day socializing In a healthy relationship, both partners:
(which could mean hanging out with friends, sharing meals • Are treated with kindness and respect
with family, or even emailing a colleague) tend to be the • Are honest with each other
happiest. In contrast, those who have zero interactions (or an • Like to spend time together
exhausting overload of social time) feel more stressed. Knowing • Take an interest in things that are important to each other
when to give your time to others and when to take some time for • Respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits
yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy
• Can speak honestly about their feelings
relationships as well as emotional well being.
Love should never hurt
Reading 6 : TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND Dating relationships can be wonderful! But while it’s important
CREATING LONGLASTING AUTHENTIC that dating partners care for each other, it’s just as important that
RELATIONSHIPS you TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! About 10% of high school
1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST students say they have suffered violence from someone they
Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which date. This includes physical abuse where someone causes
all others are formed. Loving yourself is a prerequisite to creating physical pain or injury to another person. This can involve hitting,
a successful and authentic union with another. slapping, or kicking.

2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE, MUST NURTURE THE SEXUAL ABUSE is also a type of VIOLENCE, and involves any
RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE kind of unwanted sexual advance. It can include everything from
The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. But abuse
to attract your beloved and cause the relationship you desire to doesn’t always mean that someone hits or hurts your body.
happen. EMOTIONAL ABUSE is anything that harms your self-esteem or
causes shame. This includes saying things that hurt your
3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS feelings, make you feel that you aren’t worthwhile, or trying to
Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in perspective and energy. control who you see or where you go.
Being an authentic couple is an evolution.
Remember, you deserve healthy, happy relationships.
4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW Abuse of any type is NEVER okay.
Your relationship will serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you
will learn about yourself and how you can grow on your personal ABUSE AND ASSAULT
path. Love should never hurt. But sometimes it does:
• 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their
5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL lifetime
The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of • 1.5 million women are sexually assaulted or otherwise
your relationship. physically abused by their partners each year.
• Over 800,000 males are sexually or physically abused by
6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED partners.
There will be times when you and your partner must work through
• Abuse can occur in any type of relationship--gay and straight,
impasses. If you do this consciously and with respect, you will
casual and long-term, young and old.
learn to create win-win outcomes.
• About 10% of high school students say that have suffered
7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY violence from someone they date.
CHANGE

Source : Personal Development Reader by Department of Education, Republic of the Philippines, First Edition, 2016
 If you are – or have been – in a relationship where you Kindness: Kindness is extremely important to maintaining
were mistreated, it’s very easy to blame yourself. The problem healthy relationships. You need to be considerate of others'
is with the abuser, though, not you. It’s not your fault! Anyone feelings and other people need to be considerate of yours. Be
can be abused – boys and girls, men and women, gay or straight, kind when you communicate. Kindness will nurture your
young and old – and anyone can become an abuser. relationships. Note that being kind does not necessarily mean
being nice.
Break the Silence: Stop the Violence
It may shock you to know that one out of every eleven Respect: Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If
teens reports being hit or physically hurt by a boyfriend or you don't have respect for another person, it will have a negative
girlfriend in the past twelve months. But why is that, and how can impact on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you
we change it? In "Break the Silence: Stop the Violence," parents encountered someone who didn't respect you. How did it feel?
talk with teens about developing HEALTHY, RESPECTFUL What are some ways that you show respect to others?
RELATIONSHIPS before they start dating.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE
Talking openly makes relationships more fun and
satisfying; especially when you both talk about each other’s
needs for physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You
can’t expect a partner to know what you want and need unless
you tell them. The simple fact is that none of us are a mind
reader--so it's important to be open about your needs and
expectations.

There are countless nonsexual ways to show someone

you love them. You can show a person you care for them by
spending time with them. Go to the movies. Or just hang out and
talk. If you are with someone you really like, then anything can
be fun.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

The EFFECTS OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL can make
it hard to think clearly. While you're under the influence of drugs
or alcohol it is easy to make a decision you'll regret later -
decisions that can lead to a sexually transmitted infection or an
unwanted pregnancy. Even worse, there are some people who
will use the effects of alcohol and other drugs to force you.

Reading 8 : BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from
your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged
as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered

In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider

how you can develop patience, honesty, kindness, and respect.

Patience: Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There

are times when others will respond to us in a way that is
disappointing. When this occurs, it important to communicate our
disappointment, but also to give the other person space.

Be willing to give the person some time to reflect, indicating that

you are ready to talk when they are ready. If the person is never
ready to discuss the situation, you may need professional help to
resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to
continue the relationship.

Honesty: Honesty is another essential quality in healthy

relationships. To build honesty in a relationship, you should
communicate your feelings openly, and expect the other person
to do the same. Over time, this BUILDS TRUST.

Source : Personal Development Reader by Department of Education, Republic of the Philippines, First Edition, 2016