11/11/2023, 12:20 Effective Communication - HelpGuide.

org

C O M M U N I C AT I O N

Effective Communication
Want to communicate better? These tips will help you avoid misunderstandings, grasp
the real meaning of what’s being communicated, and greatly improve your work and
personal relationships.

By Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. and Melinda Smith, M.A.

What is effective communication?

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about
understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being
able to clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full
meaning of what's being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive. But all too often, when we
try to communicate with others something goes astray. We say one thing, the other
person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue.
This can cause problems in your home, school, and work relationships.

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For many of us, communicating more clearly and effectively requires learning some
important skills. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse,
kids, boss, or coworkers, learning these skills can deepen your connections to others,
build greater trust and respect, and improve teamwork, problem solving, and your
overall social and emotional health.

What's stopping you from communicating effectively?

Common barriers to effective communication include:

Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you're stressed or emotionally

overwhelmed, you're more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-
putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To
avoid conflict and misunderstandings, you can learn how to quickly calm down before
continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus. You can't communicate effectively when you're multitasking. If you're
checking your phone, planning what you're going to say next, or daydreaming, you're
almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. To communicate effectively,
you need to avoid distractions and stay focused.

Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is

being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says
something else, your listener will likely feel that you're being dishonest. For example,
you can't say “yes” while shaking your head no.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what's being said, you
might use negative body language to rebuff the other person's message, such as
crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don't have to agree
with, or even like what's being said, but to communicate effectively and not put the
other person on the defensive, it's important to avoid sending negative signals.

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Effective communication skill 1: Become an

engaged listener
When communicating with others, we often focus on what we should say. However,
effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well
means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but
also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to convey.

There's a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you
really listen—when you're engaged with what's being said—you'll hear the subtle
intonations in someone's voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the
emotions they're trying to communicate. When you're an engaged listener, not only will
you better understand the other person, you'll also make that person feel heard and
understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, you'll also experience a process that lowers stress and
supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person you're talking to is calm, for
example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person
is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the
person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an
engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesn't, try the following tips. The more
you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will
become.

Tips for becoming an engaged listener

Focus fully on the speaker. You can't listen in an engaged way if you're constantly
checking your phone or thinking about something else. You need to stay focused on
the moment-to-moment experience in order to pick up the subtle nuances and
important nonverbal cues in a conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some
speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it'll reinforce their message and
help you stay focused.

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Favor your right ear. As strange as it sounds, the left side of the brain contains the
primary processing centers for both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the
left side of the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear
can help you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. By

saying something like, “If you think that's bad, let me tell you what happened to me.”
Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can't concentrate on
what someone's saying if you're forming what you're going to say next. Often, the
speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your mind's elsewhere.

Show your interest in what's being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person,
and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue
with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”

Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you
don't have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do
need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully
understand them. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can
often lead to an unlikely connection with someone.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)]

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by
paraphrasing. “What I'm hearing is,” or “Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways to
reflect back. Don't simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you'll
sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker's words mean to
you. Ask questions to clarify certain points: “What do you mean when you say…” or “Is
this what you mean?”

Hear the emotion behind the words. It's the higher frequencies of human speech
that impart emotion. You can become more attuned to these frequencies—and thus
better able to understand what others are really saying—by exercising the tiny

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muscles of your middle ear (the smallest in the body). You can do this by singing,
playing a wind instrument, or listening to certain types of high-frequency music (a
Mozart symphony or violin concerto, for example, rather than low-frequency rock, pop,
or hip-hop).

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about
how you're feeling than words alone ever can. Nonverbal communication, or body
language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact,
posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you
connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations,
and build better relationships at home and work.

You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms

uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and
maintaining eye contact with the person you're talking to.

You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message
—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for
example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Improve how you read nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures
tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it's important to take age,
culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body
language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for
example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don't read too much into
a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive,

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from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally
and let eye contact go, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to.
Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Improve how you deliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words rather than contradict
them. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener
will feel confused or suspect that you're being dishonest. For example, sitting with
your arms crossed and shaking your head doesn't match words telling the other
person that you agree with what they're saying.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice,
for example, should be different when you're addressing a child than when you're
addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and
cultural background of the person you're interacting with.

Avoid negative body language. Instead, use body language to convey positive
feelings, even when you're not actually experiencing them. If you're nervous about a
situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can
use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you're not feeling it.
Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding
into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye
contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and
help to put the other person at ease.

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids,
boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If
you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you'll not only avoid such
regrets, but in many cases you'll also help to calm the other person as well. It's only
when you're in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation

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requires a response, or whether the other person's signals indicate it would be better
to remain silent.

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or

introduction to a loved one's family, for example, it's important to manage your
emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure.

Communicate effectively by staying calm under pressure

Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Ask for a question to be repeated
or for clarification of a statement before you respond.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn't necessarily a bad thing—pausing can
make you seem more in control than rushing your response.

Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your
response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the
listener's interest. Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener's
reaction to tell if you should make a second point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as
important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye
contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.

Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop
talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don't have to fill the silence by
continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When a conversation starts to get heated, you need something quick and immediate
to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the

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moment, you can safely take stock of any strong emotions you're experiencing,
regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately.

Recognize when you're becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you're
stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands
clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you “forgetting” to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or

postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress
is through the senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, smell—or movement. For example,
you could pop a peppermint in your mouth, squeeze a stress ball in your pocket, take a
few deep breaths, clench and relax your muscles, or simply recall a soothing, sensory-
rich image. Each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find a
coping mechanism that is soothing to you.

[Read: Quick Stress Relief]

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to
relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things
too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or an amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you'll be able to
find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If
you realize that the other person cares much more about an issue than you do,
compromise may be easier for you and a good investment for the future of the
relationship.

Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone
can calm down. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating.

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Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce
stress.

Skill 4: Assert Yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost your
self-esteem and decision-making skills. Being assertive means expressing your
thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for
yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or
demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person,
not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.

To improve your assertiveness

Value yourself and your options. They are as important as anyone else's.

Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the
rights of others.

Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's okay to be angry, but you must
remain respectful as well.

Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your

mistakes, ask for help when needed.

Learn to say “no.” Know your limits and don't let others take advantage of you. Look
for alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the
other person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. “I know you've

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been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well.”

Escalating assertion can be employed when your first attempts are not successful.
You become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining
consequences if your needs are not met. For example, “If you don't abide by the
contract, I'll be forced to pursue legal action.”

Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to help build up your confidence. Or

ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

Last updated or reviewed on November 7,

2023

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