LIVING BEINGS

Iconia the Illumined, from fair Twinkle Toll of Rookery Ridge, astrologer, code
witch and technomystical visionary. Her age is a secret.
Dashiell/ Željko, proprietor of Željko's Fine Meats for nigh on twenty years. At
45, still keeps a lean and hardy physique from long days at his shop. Sharp blue
eyes twinkle with humor beneath strong brow, crinkled at edges from years of smiles
shared with customers.
Janey/Jana, 17 years old, high school student. Dashiell's daughter
Rory the Laughter-Loving Larrikin/Srdjan, around 40 years old, driver,
entrepreneur. Late bloomer.
Drake/Dragutin, around 50 years old. History professor

BEINGS OF THE SPIRITUAL SPHERE

SAINT PETER, head of Heavenly administration. Fighter against evil forces.

Advocates for peace, justice and economic prosperity.
CHARON/EMMANUEL, ferryman from hell. Closet kleptomaniac.
SAINT PARASKEVA, Saint Paraskeva the Martyr. Protector of women.
THE LORD
LILITH, fallen Angelina
SATAN

CAT SPIRITS OF ANCESTORS

(disguised actors)

JOAN OF ARC: Saint. Heavenly runaway.

NAPOLEON, the famous, deceased French military leader. Always ready for action. In
hell he stirs up the flames of Borodino.
SHAKESPEARE, the famous, deceased English playwright. In mourning for his early
deceased son Hamnet.
MARY TUDOR, known to Protestants and drunks as Bloody Mary

THE VOICE OF THE LORD

THE VOICE OF SATAN
VARIOUS SHADOWS, APPARITIONS AND GROTESQUES
TWO BARMEN AND ONE NEIGHBOR

SCENE 1

STYX

(In the middle of the stage bathed in ghostly light, an apparition resembling the
Commendatore from Don Giovanni with one hand places coins in the mouth of the dead
man. With the other hand - it receives money.
Around the phantom gather figures of terrifying appearance - these are Grotesques.)

GROTESQUE 1: Is this the river Styx?

PHANTOM: Yes. If you need transport, two dinars buddy.

GROTESQUE 2: And how much if you don't take us across?

(the scene darkens)

SCENE 2
HEAVEN. PARADISE

(Saint Peter sits in front of the Paradise gates, his gaze fixed on the ceiling of
the Paradise Basilica. He sighs. In his ethereal hand he holds an enormous, golden
key of the Heavenly Kingdom. He wears maxi dress decorated with crosses according
to the latest Paradise fashion and wooden clogs. His makeup is strikingly
extravagant. His pink wig is somewhat askew. The previous Phantom emerges from the
boat in the middle of the stage. He takes off his black uniform. He is completely
bald. He wears a striped shirt tucked into track pants, in line with the diesel
fashion trend of the 1990s in Serbia.)

SAINT PETER: Oh Emmanuel, God help you!

EMMANUEL: Peter? What is that outfit?

PETER: By scanning the whole Earth I also scanned the press. A bit of Vogue, a bit
of Fashion Book.
EMMANUEL: I assume you scan at the speed of light. Numbers from half a century ago,
come on. Your makeup isn't even for an eighties stage, and that wig? That dress?
Not even Freddie would have worn it.

SAINT PETER: Okay. Cool your Styx. Anyway, Emmanuel, what do I owe the pleasure of
your visit? Missing Saint Peter?

EMMANUEL: Ah screw it! Heavy problems.

SAINT PETER: Don't tell me the internet trolls have arrived? (Crosses himself.) Or
heaven forbid you've been sailing on green?

EMMANUEL: I robbed the Dead.

SAINT PETER: Then you have no choice but to turn yourself in. (Rises. Spins the key
with his hand.) Confess dementia. After all, you've been dead for ages.
Fortunately, in Paradise we don't have such problems... (As he speaks, a scream is
heard - someone's face melted on the other side of the Paradise monitor. One eye
was enlarged by an optical illusion. Saint Peter clutches his head. His wig falls
off.)

EMMANUEL: What is it, oh Saint Peter? Why are you clutching your head so?

SAINT PETER: Oh Emmanuel, my hellish friend, you won't believe what happened... on
the other side of the dimension! ("on the other side of the dimension..." Vincent
Price's voice echos across the stage mixed in a techno style)

EMMANUEL: Test me. (mockingly)

SAINT PETER: A human woman we've been watching for a long time is defying the laws
of nature. It was little enough that she doesn't age for several decades, little
enough that she renews her virginity every leap year, little enough... that she
erases wrinkles without Botox or plastic surgery, but she has mastered (Peter's
voice becomes deeper) hacking techniques to hack into the Deadbook social network
of the deceased. Not only does she spy on what the dead write on their walls, but
she gets into their inboxes too! Mortal woman! But she'll outdo us all!

EMMANUEL: The noble laureate feminist? The Judith of the 21st century? (ponders)
Could it be my Lilith materializing down below incognito?

SAINT PETER: Oh Emmanuel, you're not following the plot! Someone on Earth is
managing to do to us what WikiLeaks does to governments on Earth. A hacker who
turned out to be illiterate woman is so successful that from her earthly computer
she observes everything that happens in Paradise and Hell. She even watches every
corner with a camera! And she hands over and forwards that information. Iconicleaks
is in action!

EMMANUEL: Don't you have counter-hackers in Paradise? Security anti-hacking

programs?

SAINT PETER: We would if Hell didn't take all the top hackers.

EMMANUEL: But how did she crack the password?

PETER: She cracked the password while observing Mercury through a telescope, and
attached to our network using the Hamachi program. Ah... that Mercury, messenger!
That irritating communicator!

EMMANUEL: Maybe she wants to play World of Warcraft? What is the worldly name of
this capable Jasmine Bond?

SAINT PETER: Ikonija from Rača in Kragujevac. Almost illiterate. No one knows who
inspires her.

EMMANUEL: Maybe she just wants to pray, and how else for someone who is
communicative.

SAINT PETER (ignores the hint. Walks around the stage adjusting his wig) Only old
computer models can catch God's WiFi signal. For a long time we didn't know where
she got her Japanese from the fifty-fifth! But then we discovered the secret of
secrets and the wonder of wonders! (wipes sweat from his forehead with a
handkerchief)

EMMANUEL: Could it be more mysterious than the Holy Grail?

SAINT PETER: She is supplied with a hacking arsenal by a butcher shop. Several of
our heavenly CIA deliveries were thwarted.

EMMANUEL: Such a twist isn't even in Oliver Twist!

SAINT PETER: Anyway.. Is it possible that from below with her computer she observes
all our rooms? (Peter removes his wig. Reveals his bald head. Wipes his bald head
with one end of the maxi dress. Emmanuel leans his bald head against the oar.)

EMMANUEL: Well, do you doubt, Peter... (anxiously)

SAINT PETER: (desperately) She says she has videos of all of us employees indulging
in infidelity in the highest atmospheric associations on a 500 megabyte USB flash
drive! (Emmanuel and Peter look at each other. A few second pause.)

EMMANUEL:I feel like going pale.

SAINT PETER: And I feel like choking. Oh my God. (covers head with dress and wails)

CHARON: An idea just occurred to me. Napoleon and Mary Tudor often escape from
hell. They socialize, jump the fence and engage in infidelity with the residents of
Paradise!

SAINT PETER: Imagine! The same thing happens in Paradise. The biggest escape
artists we have are none other than Shakespeare and Joan of Arc.

CHARON: Joan escapes to the fiery hell?

SAINT PETER: What else? Nostalgia? Maybe facing her past she wants to relieve
trauma or asbestos her soul so she becomes resistant to the flames?

CHARON: Call them both, and I'll call Napoleon and Mary Tudor. I’ve come up with a
task they could undertake in our favor. If they're already escaping their
dwellings, I'd offer them a nice adventure.

(Saint Peter turns the celestial phone)

SCENE 3

EARTH. SERBIA. BLOCK 45.

(Dashiel, in a bad mood, angrily paces around with a truncheon in his hand. Next to
him is Rory, head bowed. He seems confused and dim-witted. They are in a parking
lot. A white van with the inscription "Butcherino and Daughter" is parked in front
of the building.)

DASHIELL: What exactly happened? I want to know!

RORY: Crash! On one side in the neighboring cars was Johnny Depp. On the other Brad
and Angelina, we were driving across, the driver had to suddenly swerve to spare
the lives of Hollywood flowers...

DASHIELL: Then then... (Impatiently, hitting rhythmically with the wooden end of
the truncheon on the ground)

RORY: Our little van flips on its side.

DASHIELL: And the goods?

RORY: What goods? Ah...the goods! Aha. (Scratches his head) Went into irrecoverable
loss like Grandpa in Prnjavor.

DASHIELL: And the forest eats the sky while singing Dante from the can! So the
battle divisions of rival Carton City conspired against us! Why didn't you call
someone for help? To save what could be saved?!

RORY: Gosh darn, top banana! it's forbidden to confront the truck driver at the
toll booth!

DASHIELL: I don't feel good about my Ikonija. Besides sticking to the rolled bacon,
she was expecting a delivery of at least two used butcher machines for her secret
mission... When she hears this, she won't honk in the car anymore while... ah!
What's come over me! She'll become like those gals from Nebraska! God, hide me in
Vancouver!

RORY: Then nothing remains for you but the slaughterhouse cold room! There you'll
both be so... hot! (ponders) Besides, Ikonija is a hundred years old! She'll honk
at least three more times!

DASHIELL: (gently) She looks like she's only forty-five.

SCENE 4

HALLWAY OF THE BUILDING

(hallway of Željko's building - he runs into Ikonija, who lives in the same
building. She is dragging a heavy, one might say, backpack. On her head she wears a
turban from the flea market, in her ears alka (earrings) are fluttering - so much
that the viewer in the last row can grasp them. Made up and decorated with a tangle
of rings, chains and other ugly additions. Made up in Egyptian style. Željko
(Dashiell) enters the building hallway)

IKONIJA: (Approaches Željko and slaps him) Don't deny it. I found out everything
through Arpanet. You destroyed my secret plans to collect important information
about inscrutable galaxies through meat machines as conductors through
intergalactic constellations!

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): But, but....

IKONIJA: Algorithm is mother! (another slap) If you had studied formal schools, you
would know how to make the "Euro Neuro" helmet for reading human thoughts and
delving into scandalous events.

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): It wasn't enough for you that I blindly believed in google! The
light tunnel of truth woven in the protocol! You won't send me back to elementary
school, I refuse to go... (agitated) ..you know, no matter how sexy and powerful
you are!

IKONIJA: These are two electron tubes for you (pulling them out of the bag, putting
one in his hands, first hitting him on the head with the other and then handing
that one over too. She continues pulling out items of unusual shape) Here is a
thyratron, here is a detector! Crawl into the freezer and make me the Rodos
supercomputer from the Colossus, pre-war model!. You have foresight until school
starts! The Sumerians told me how it's done. Not even your own mother taught you to
make cracklings, your father to change a light bulb! Lift this backpack and help me
carry it to the apartment. I'll never order tech from Amazon again!

(Željko (Dashiell) lifts the bag. Under the heavy load, he bends)

IKONIJA: What are you crouching for. You're lucky the Vandercliff Tower isn't in
the little bag. You, heartless villain. You left me without lard! Also, I went to
the doctor for radiant pregnancy.

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): (Taken aback) But... but... This is a miracle!

IKONIJA: What miracle. Just me. I've upgraded the transformer, these eggs and
conceived in an immaculate way.

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): You didn't have to take the detour...

IKONIJA: I didn't, but with you these days I don't sin... Džej (Jay 2Pac) opened my
eyes with the text "Deceptions and Lies." As soon as I listened to the song, I
scheduled a maternal abortion. They were male triplets. And my Jasone (Jason),
admit - Medea is not my equal!

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): But Iko, at forty-five?

IKONIJA: Every pregnancy after forty-five is God's promise.

ŽELjKO (Dashiell): You killed three? Child-murdering mother!

IKONIJA: Child-murdering I am, almighty I'm not. Only one woman succeeded in giving
birth to triplets to the world! (with deep respect in her voice)
SCENE 5

THE GATES OF PARADISE

(Saint Peter and Saint Paraskeva sit lovingly next to each other in front of the
gates of Paradise, clinging, cheek to cheek.)

SAINT PARASKEVA: Ah, my dear Peter, what moral lessons I would give you if I didn't
know you had an abundance! Satisfied with the peaceful life you selflessly provide,
I want to give you something... But I hesitate. It might seem like a bribe....

SAINT PETER: Don't hold back, my straight-angelic love! I'm not so holy that I
don't deserve the occasional gift... (humbly says Peter) Even Earthlings do it, yes
yes, don't look at me like that in wonder, Holy Mother! The Almighty has given me
permission to marry in the Philippines...

SAINT PARASKEVA: Ah, Paradise is so tight! And don't call me Mother. I feel older,
and it seems like a marriage of interest... um, incest.... (They both make the sign
of the cross) Thank God you got the Philippines, dear...

SAINT PETER: Darling, now I'd take that ethereal cloud from the sky for you...

SAINT PARASKEVA: Impossible, dear, we're already in heaven...

SAINT PETER: (kisses her forehead) You speak wisely, my ethereal love!

SAINT PARASKEVA: Well, here is my dear, my beloved, my sinless future husband, I

would give you all my relics!

SAINT PETER: And I would give you all my lives! But don't, darling, don't torment
yourself, my heart is about to skip from joy, and my tongue gets tangled like
romantic branches! Keep the relics. You'll need them when you least expect it.
Anyway, weren't your folks wealthy in life?

SAINT PARASKEVA: They might have been if they weren't already dead people...

SAINT PETER: (waves his hand) Besides your wonderful miracles, I don't need
anything anyway. All that, O Pious One, is not worthy of that precious dress you
wear.

SAINT PARASKEVA: I love that you consider accepting gifts, because it shows that
black deeds ruling the world and Hell are hateful to you. But sometimes I worry you
spend too much time with Satan's boatman. He has a bad influence on you.

SAINT PETER: But, darling, haven't you always told me: Peter, you're as gentle as
Lorca's rose, but for a real man I'd want a little devil, a sweet imp. That's the
only reason I socialize with that Sinful Soul, sugarplum (pinches her cheek, then
suddenly becomes serious) - not touching the borders of chastity and with strict
distance, I ask him here and there for some trickery...

SAINT PARASKEVA: What kind? What kind? Tell me one of his unusual sins! (Her eyes
sparkle)

SAINT PETER: Just the other day... (scratches his nape) Disguised as John the
Baptist, he baptized and singed thousands of the dead in Limbo who immediately flew
to God, don't ask me, I had my hands full fixing the mess, and one Limbo dweller,
after a brief visit to Paradise, was returned to the Vestibule of Hell, committed
suicide and is now cursing near Judas, as an example to others.

SAINT PARASKEVA: (clasps her ethereal little feet and blushes) Oh, how awful! Was
it really like that?!

SAINT PETER: There's more... Emmanuel ordered caprizziosa for the angels in the
third... Cerberus ordered some with hot little peppers...

SAINT PARASKEVA: Oh, scandal! Enough, enough! Don't say any more! Don't think of
impurities before the huge cross shining with God's eternal light of mercy, just
bring me that, my dear, in my ethereal bed!

SAINT PETER: (gazes lovingly at his celestial key) Heavenly maintenance keeps it
from rusting. It shines like a glowing ball, to blind the demon's eyes, not to
stray into God's home...

SAINT PARASKEVA: (hesitantly) Well.. alright.. the key can work too... Hug me, just
hug me.. like earlier when you... God, turn your face to my true love's light...
Ah, he fell asleep.. (gets up, lifts up her skirt and steps into the heavenly
garden)

SAINT PARASKEVA: You little imp! My deceiver, you briber! How I liked it when I was
supposedly asleep and you tickled me half unconscious!

CHARON: (Peers out from behind the Tree of Knowledge) Don't suspect anything?

SAINT PARASKEVA: He's more boring than a school reading. Passionate love, it's
still better if we meet at night, someone could see us here... say, at midnight, in
our gondola to surf the dark waters, or maybe kayaking...

CHARON: There's a nice shortcut to the shore of the purging river estuary. That's
like a nudist beach to you. Fall onto my chest, my little devil!

(They kiss passionately)

Scene 6

STYX SWAMP

SAINT PETER: You devilish creature! Woo-hoo!

LILITH: How dare you speak to me? I paved the way with Tolamej in the Great Abyss,
securing orgies that the Romans could only dream of, and yet you make me wait for
you! Just so you know, that counts in the price! There's no free ride with Dark
Lilith!

SAINT PETER: Until now, I've been bothered by Paraskeva, barely managing to escape.
I even planned to bring you a gift...

LILITH: A gift? Only cash is acceptable. Do I look like a dismissed geisha to you?
I don't have Paraskeva's cheap temples of femininity. In that regard, I'm more like
precious colonial architecture. My pearl, Akonkagua, would swallow her whole. But
that comes at a price...

SAINT PETER: The Garden of Eden. At midnight.

LILITH: Where else? You can't pass incognito around that crazy Minaj in the Circle
of Lust. And that harlot Cleopatra, always spying!
SAINT PETER: I would even drown the cross I was given if necessary, just to have
you.

LILITH: Use that cross of yours on Paraskeva. To me, it's just an ordinary
toothpick.

SCENE 7

IKONIJA'S APARTMENT

(Ikonija presses the stop button and quickly jots down notes. On the monitor, Saint
Paraskeva is seen picking flowers with an innocent expression on her face. Saint
Peter walks by her, counting the apples with a golden cross. Angels fly around
them, wielding flaming swords, while lower-ranking angels carry parts for a newly
arrived hot tub on their wings, ordered from the eighth heaven. Mozart plays in the
background. Ikonija is mesmerized, staring at the screen. There's a knock on the
door. Ikonija reluctantly gets up and opens the door to a person wearing a crooked
turban. It's Željko, Slađan, and Jana.)

IKONIJA: This big one must be the Father, this mentally challenged one must be
something like a prematurely born son... and this fragile little one must be the
youngest, the Holy Spirit. It's true that he's barely visible... but inspiring!

ŽELJKO: I couldn't bring you the meat of the holy cow, which, according to your
knowledge, arrived through secret channels from India via Iraq, Arabia, and Libya,
but... (coyly) will you cook us lunch?

IKONIJA: Lunch? In the midst of a chat with the Almighty, you mention lunch to me?
Who is this caricature, looks like he came from Mordor, his forehead is so big that
a waltz could be danced on it!

ŽELJKO: Iko, don't you recognize Slađan, Jana's classmate? We arranged for him to
attend school without having to go through regular classes...

SLAĐAN: Yes, ma'am. I realized too late that I wanted to be a lawyer.

JANA: Of course she remembers him. Yes, yes, don't look at me like that! At least
you're playing a double game, dear stepmother. (turns to Željko) Dad, she chats
with the creator of the universe on the computer. She plays a game of concentration
in the house. She's starving us. How can't you see that?

ŽELJKO: Silence, Jana. Respect your elders... (Ikonija looks at him) Ahem, ahem...

SLAĐAN: It would really be nice, eternal lady, if you could chat later and fry us
at least three eggs.

JANA: Like the Holy Trinity...

ŽELJKO: Silence, Jana! Instead of being happy that you have a stepmother who will
soon rule the world, you're looking for trivial things like eggs. And you, Slađan!
I'll give you eggs, but in fifteen minutes. Right now, we need to give Ikonija
silence! Concentration.

IKONIJA: Fifteen minutes? No cooking for the next half an hour! Activating the
kitchen will ruin my connection with the spirit realm!

ŽELJKO: (impressed) She has become so skilled in hacking that she discovered a way
to eavesdrop on and read the conversations of the deceased. She infiltrated the
social network used by the departed. And let me tell you, Jana, she's not spying on
just anyone but directly on Saint Peter and his correspondences...

IKONIJA: Did you have suspicions about my skills? Is it some small feat for Ikonija
Od Rače Kragujevačke to hack Saint Peter's computer?

ŽELJKO: Iko, you're a master hacker, unmatched in Šumadija! You're more powerful
than Superwoman, and that's without kryptonite!

IKONIJA: Hey, hey, look what's on the monitor?

SLAĐAN: Is this the opening of a Swedish action movie?

IKONIJA: This person in white is the venerable Mother Paraskeva. My invisible

micro-camera zooms in on her secret garden. And this one next to her... Oh my!
That's Emanuel. What's he doing in Heaven so early? How did Satan's sailor end up
in her company? Silence. Let me hear what they're saying...

JANA: (in disbelief) I bet this is an Indian movie with bad subtitles. Only their
actors have such mustaches. Oh, I'm so hungry...

IKONIJA: Silence...
(The video screen on the stage shows shadowed objects, figures chasing each other
on the darkened screen. At the same time, the video screen flickers with
Carpenter's theme from "Heavenvision.")

LILITH: Ohhhhh, my God, no – your God, my angel! No! No, no, and... YES!

SAINT PETER: (courting in a traditional chivalrous manner, while Lilith blushes and
twirls her hair, not withdrawing her hand from his) In the infinite Game of Love, I
take what is rightfully mine. In the fiery element, even the devils are saints,
intoxicated by it...

LILITH: (Still twirling her hair) But, all of that comes at a cost. Plus VAT.

ICONIA: (brewing coffee) Oh my, I knew they were from the Rothschilds...

SAINT PETER: There's no price I'm not willing to pay to have you. My little devil!

PARASKEVA: A thousand souls, then.

SAINT PETER: Really? Even in Bulgaria, the prices of sexual services have dropped!

LILITH: I'm not interested in the economic crisis in the Afterlife. I'm not like
that mention-here-a-cheap-Rajevac girl who sells her services cheaper than Thai
prostitutes! I, on the contrary... (coquettishly struts around the Dark Swamp of
Styx) Since you're a cheapskate, let's negotiate based on hellish standards.

SAINT PETER: How much?

LILITH: A thousand.

SAINT PETER: Again the same!

LILITH: A thousand souls, darling.

(Everyone stares at the monitor and passes popcorn to each other)

SLAĐAN: It's a dark picture.

ICONIA: They're in hell, you fool.

SAINT PETER: Wouldn't a tea party in Honshu help, my dear?

ICONIA: The trade of yellow slaves thrives! But look... Look what he's doing to
her... He's quite the charmer... my, he does it well for heavenly sweet treasure!
Oh my... Why are her eyes so red, as if she walked out of the Red Sea! Wait...
wait... Pass me that box... I want a dramatic perspective! Every detail...
(excitedly) Even Kurir wouldn't come up with this! And certainly not Skandal!
(Iconia stares at the screen, mesmerized)

ŽELJKO: What kind of play is this? Who dares to defile Saint Peter? What kind of
actor is that? Could it be Brad Pitt?

IKONIJA: Original, sweetheart, original. Through my hacking skills, I managed to

break into not only the computer of the American president, the KGB spy, and the
Chinese moon launch center, but I also infiltrated the Sphere of Spiritism and
uncovered what's happening there. Neither Peter nor Emanuel are faithful, and I
will directly tell their bosses in today's chat. Now, I'll sharpen your image,
balance both black and white, and frame you!

(Ikonija wraps something around her arm)

JANA: I simply don't get it. This is just a Tarantino movie.

ŽELJKO: In the adaptation of David Lynch.

SLAĐAN: What's this on top of the computer, a gearshift?

IKONIJA: It's a cross, you fool. Watch the movie.

(she takes a screwdriver out of her bra)

JANA: What a terrible casing!

(the image on the video screen changes. The video screen displays another pair of
immortal adulterers)

EMANUEL: Let's dance, my Ginger!

SAINT PARASKEVA: My heart beats faster when the soul in the eclipse of Cinderella's
ball remembers.

EMANUEL: Sweet are the bondages of secret meetings between the two of us, in
love...

SAINT PARASKEVA: Oh, my dear, I feel... like a living woman! (they embrace each
other)

IKONIJA: And I thought "Gone with the Wind" was the ultimate... how deluded I was!

SAINT PARASKEVA: And don't worry, my dear, it will be harder for Peter to uncover
our secret than to break through herds of elephants, and you know... he's not in
great shape anyway.

IKONIJA: Plug this into the USB port. (hands it to Željko)

EMANUEL: But, Paraskeva, my love, we have another, even greater worry, perhaps... a
threat that exposes our passionate romance! I'm concerned about a hacker from
planet Earth who threatens to bring down the Paradise Wall!

SAINT PARASKEVA: (crosses her arms) Will she really do that? Let her be thanked!
Let her do it, my dear! That way, we'll be united in a unique sphere of Spiritism,
Heaven, and Hell! (rests on his chest) For all eternity!

EMANUEL: But, my love, you will lose all privileges, not just you, but all the
residents of Paradise, including Saint Peter. You won't be able to find a good
husband!

SAINT PARASKEVA: Nothing bothers me as long as I think that borders divide us and
that we are not connected, you and I, my love...

(Emanuel continues to sigh)

SAINT PARASKEVA: Tell me, my dear. What torments your sinful heart?

EMANUEL: I would love that too, I admit it to you because I can't admit it to
anyone else.

(Ikonija takes the microphone in her hands.)

PARASKEVA: Emanuel, I feel like I heard the rustling of fallen leaves in the
garden... Someone is listening to us! (leans closer to Emanuel)

IKONIJA'S VOICE: Isn't the deceit enough under Troy? Hasn't the fifth circle of
angry souls filled up with well-played dishonorable roles!

SAINT PARASKEVA: Whose voice is this? Where did sandpaper come from in Paradise?
Whoever you are, stop with the jokes and reveal yourself!

IKONIJA: Joke? Am I laughing? Is it fair for one to deceive and the other to
suffer? Just so you know, I will report all of this to Saint Peter. Starting with
him. As for revealing myself to you, Reta Batlere from the Black Ship, I have no
desire for that. I'm not some floozy who got bored at home and went to Turkey to
act. And you, Saint Paraskeva, you have disappointed me! I revered you as a mother,
I looked at you like Ferhunde.

SAINT PARASKEVA: Listen, maniac from the park, scaring honest people at midnight...

ŽELJKO: Ikonija, my dear, you're also acting in this movie!

SLAĐAN: And not just any movie, but a Swedish action movie...! Jana, just like your
mom... or was it "Scandal in Berlin"...

JANA: I think I'm going to faint... (gets up and leaves)

IKONIJA: Now I have the complete footage of the affair.

SLAĐAN: Footage? Wouldn't this be "Fatal Attraction"?

IKONIJA: What you just watched was a live stream broadcast!

(She rubs her hands with satisfaction, kisses the USB port, and while Slađan and
Željko look confused, she blesses it with holy water, then places it, along with
the cross and candles, in the prayer corner of the apartment, right next to the
icon on the eastern wall).
SEVENTH SCENE

HEAVEN. PARADISE

(Peter ecstatically dances on stage)

SAINT PETER: She will be punished, Ikonija will be punished! She will be silenced,
withered, played upon, she will go into irretrievable oblivion - punished! Harshly,
uncompromisingly, brutally, savagely, stubbornly...

EMMANUEL: (sits on a memory foam mattress) For a millennium and a half, I haven't
seen you this happy.
PETER: (sings)
A single meow will be enough
For Ikonija's holy wail!
A wail for the holy lesson! (crosses himself)

(note for the actor: From a state of euphoria, Saint Peter suddenly transitions
into the role of the Dark Avenger. Angels can do that.)

Cats will drive Ikonija completely crazy with counter-espionage that had crushed
the Coptic civilization 9000 years ago. They will uncover Ikonija's sacred hacking
secrets, demystify her terrifying powers, connect her to a lie detector, even to
electricity if necessary... With powerful magical effects, they will turn computer
mice into real ones, until the interference becomes so strong that it triggers a
storm of madness in her and peels off her brain membranes like corn husks! Ah!
Great revenge it shall be! Wail! Wail!

EMMANUEL: I'm glad, both glad and pleased.

SAINT PETER: The shores of Laconia took you... Laconically! Why do you respond so
curtly to me! You don't listen, I see now!

EMMANUEL: Honestly, Peter, the afterlife grapevine is abuzz with rumors about you.
They say you're not doing well. That you're on the verge of bursting. Like retirees
during the Serbian crisis. And that you're chasing some strange... fish-like
creatures for fifteen hours! And they say it. But, I see, you haven't forgotten
about Ikonija! Peter, that's sick, that's an obsession!

SAINT PETER: (in astonishment) How could I forget? How? And why?

EMMANUEL: The wisest quartet of cats is already doing their job. Why worry? Why
analyze? Be rational... Now we can talk about... (scratches his head)

SAINT PETER: Oh, Emanuel, you don't understand! The invasion of extraterrestrial
races with an interface instead of a face is holding our Heavenly Tax Squad captive
in the global-cosmic space as a warning not to touch a certain Groo-gg-g... And
these fish-like beings from Sirius are protesting! Shameful! We have to revive the
Spanish missionary conquest from the Eighth Circle to make them understand that
there is only one Almighty!! How can we transport a field on a field like the one
in The Hague, should we extort tennis players! Ah, Matija Matija, you escaped in
time, tax collector. I used to be a simple fisherman, and now I have to do your job
too!

EMMANUEL: The paganry is filthy! But maybe it's not that bad, maybe your eyes are
deceiving you.. so lifelessly.

SAINT PETER: Eyes may deceive, but heavenly reports don't. (stands up from the
chair)
Emanuel! Understand! We haven't just been hacked! We've been super-hacked! And this
is Ikonija's anti-deed! How could they even know that we're sending them a sparrow
messiah glued to a comet power line as a warning! (electricity included in
resurrection) Not to mention that Ikonija, in addition to information about secret
recordings, also expressed her intention to tear down the wall that separates
Heaven and Hell. "I'm bored," she says. "I want a little bit here, a little bit
there. Somehow, one doesn't go without the other." (Saint Peter wipes sweat from
his forehead)

EMMANUEL: Peter, I've heard that in the Spirit Sphere, ancestral spirits are
entering emotional-ethereal relationships, and some even marital ones, despite
being separated by Heaven and Hell.

SAINT PETER: What nonsense! That's forbidden, they can't be in symbiosis in any
way! God separated them as punishment, that's the infernal meaning, as well as the
heavenly...

EMMANUEL: But imagine if the spirit of Shakespeare in Heaven falls in love with the
spirit of Anne Boleyn in Hell. In any case, they have no choice but to escape from
Hell and Heaven because they want to be together. They go to Earth because they
learned how to infuse their spirit into strawberries, blackberries... Just to be
alive again. Imagine Anne Boleyn entering raspberries...

SAINT PETER: That explains the raspberry pickers' strikes...

EMMANUEL: I've always been amazed by those love crossovers from Heaven to Hell and
vice versa! I am faithful to my infernal love.

SAINT PETER: And I to my holy one.

EMMANUEL: The ethereal possibilities are endless!

SAINT PETER: Are there even those who cross the Spirit Sphere for energetic sex?
(pauses) And I heard (imagine everyone talking about it) that Paraskeva cheated on
me with you!

(EMMANUEL laughs)

EMMANUEL: And I heard that Lilith massaged your wings and used her tongue to dust
them...

(Saint Peter and Emmanuel laugh)

SAINT PETER AND EMMANUEL: The crazy souls of the deceased come up with everything!

PARASKEVA: (rushes onto the stage, agitated, wringing her hands) God knows
everything!

SAINT PETER: (Stands up, in a soldier's stance.) Truly, He knows! (crosses himself,
then salutes)

PARASKEVA: And not only Him, Peter! Everyone knows!

SAINT PETER: (confused) They know?

PARASKEVA: Heaven and Hell have been shaken by that scandal! Everyone is talking
about it...

SAINT PETER: I know nothing. I have no idea. (Wipes sweat from his forehead)
(demonic laughter echoes through Heaven)

VOICE OF SATAN: What the family can do to you, no one else can!

VOICE OF THE LORD: Don't meddle with my stigmata! I will perform an exorcism on you
ahead of schedule in Revelation - personally!

VOICE OF SATAN: Personally or tri-personally, just don't send me any more amateurs.
Don't humiliate me so much. And yourself...

VOICE OF THE LORD: You think they're not good enough?

VOICE OF SATAN: We could discuss that over a secret dinner for two. Or... a hot
massage, perhaps? A new Job?

(Powerful voices fade out. Everyone on stage remains silent for about 15 seconds.
Then, they continue talking)
PARASKEVA: Someone has leaked secret energy recordings of our Sphere over the
internet. Was it me? Poor Paraskeva, a role model of virtuous women and devout
mothers, betraying Saint Peter and offering my energy body to the boatman of Hell?

(Lilith enters)

PARASKEVA (to Saint Peter): I found out about that scandal too! You even went to
Hell for Lilith, disguised. You... you... hidden devil. Horned deceiver.

LILITH: I received a video where you were making love with my Emanuel!

PARASKEVA: What nonsense! I am ethereal, there was no physical betrayal!

EMANUEL: I swear I would never do such a thing!

SAINT PETER: Nor would I, just like him! Exactly like him... I wouldn't! (both
shake their heads)

PARASKEVA (suspiciously) And I swear I would never do anything contrary to both of

you!

EMANUEL: Peter, she's messing with us!

SAINT PETER: You think Keva is mocking us!

EMANUEL: Kevo, damn me to hell! Satan promised me Lilith's hand ever since my
probation started. And to her too. We were supposed to get married in the year 666
of the twenty-first millennium and conceive a cousin of the prepared Antichrist,
conceived by the horned one with Lady Dragan. I would have inherited a castle near
Berlin, the descendant of Count Dracula, where Lilith and I would live bloodily and
unhappily for eternity... (Presses his face against the paddle and sobs - fake) And
now it turns out that Lilith, despite promising to be faithful only to Satan and
the one chosen by the Master of the Horn, namely me, was also faithful to the
demons with their equestrian squadron, as well as the heavenly infantry, and she
broke her promise and nourished Saint Peter with her energy body!

SAINT PETER: (looking at the footage) Plus, she experimented with Paraskeva.

(On the video screen, couples are shown: Emanuel and Paraskeva, Saint Peter and
Lilith, and after this line, Lilith and Paraskeva holding hands and playing jump
rope)

PARASKEVA: Yes! That's us! The offended quartet! But... who managed to hack into
our ethereal computers and access the secret letters and pictures?

SAINT PETER: (wisely) All roads lead to Earth. The main hacker who infiltrated the
secrets of the otherworldly quartet is none other than Ikonija - a woman from
Earth. She should have died long ago, but she found various formulas...
(disappointed)

EMANUEL: Why are you so fixated on Ikonija, Saint Peter? She's just an ordinary
woman...

SAINT PETER: Ordinary, but almost!

EMANUEL: I've known you, O Peter, for longer than eternity, but I've never seen you
so irritated...

SAINT PETER: It's true. There's another reason why I don't like her. You know well,
O Emanuel, that we were once alive too. In the third reincarnation, you were a
Hellenized Egyptian who falsified ancient astronomy, in the fifth, an Ottoman
expert in impaling, in the eighth, a cunning owner of the London City Bank, in the
tenth, a Scot who sold Nelson's Monument in Trafalgar Square, in the eleventh,
Orson Welles with his theory of the Martian invasion... if you were alive now,
you'd be Dafina.

PARASKEVA: Peter is right. Remember during one of her bizarre hacking episodes,
Ikonija claimed to know that you and Emanuel, as well as Lilith and me, have a
common descendant. One lone survivor from the lineage of all four of us.

SAINT PETER: (bitterly) Ikonija knows who our common descendant is and refuses to
tell us.

EMANUEL: As eternity goes on, I see your maternal instinct slowly awakening, O
Saint Peter! Well... I have to go now. Drop by our party tonight in the Third...
Amy Winehouse is performing again. "You know I'm no good" (dances blues-dance as he
exits the stage)

ANOTHER SCENE

JANA'S ROOM

(Zeljko unlocks the apartment door. Jana is in the room. The TV is playing a movie.
Jana is focused on the images on the screen. She hugs the video cassettes
affectionately.)

JANE MELONE'S VOICE: "No one asked me if I wanted a new mother. No one even asked
if I liked her!"

(Jana starts crying)

ZELJKO: Jana, my darling, why the lament? Is the movie that bad?

JANA: Well, it could be more dramatic! Look at what the mailman brought earlier...
A package with a bow! Fur from a skinned fox! A gift from mom. Isn't that a mom-
drama?

ZELJKO: Only if the doorbell rang three times...

JANA: (throws the fur from the skinned fox into the corner of the room) It appeases
the conscience of relics from Papua New Guinea!
ZELJKO: Jana, how cruel you are! Mother wanted you to laugh, to be happy... There's
nothing wrong with that fur, although it does carry a bit of painful stares before
death, satanic torture during the fur removal...

JANA: Dad!

ZELJKO: At least she didn't become a singer! Like your mother... (Zeljko takes the
fur in his hands) A relic from Zurich. (lost in thought)

JANA: How would you feel if you were born to become someone's fur coat?

ZELJKO: Like last month's chinchilla...

JANA: And before her?

ZELJKO: Like a beaten Bernese mountain dog from China that she donated to me as a
dead gift on the fifth anniversary of our divorce.

JANA: It's true that she neglected us, it's true that she cheated on you with a
priest who tried to reconcile you through prayer, it's true that she didn't do the
dishes because she performed on TV... but a mother is a mother, the guardian of the
family oven. Do you think she wasn't jealous of all those... lovely female
customers of yours who ordered fatty roasts for Lenten holidays?

ZELJKO: You forgot that she tore apart men like Medea did her brothers, that she
published "The Dream Book" with Mojsilovic, that she poured "place of emptiness
into emptiness" by putting Mefedrine into "grandchildren". Your mother was one
Crazy Cat. Her meow could be heard all the way to the Atlantic archipelago. She
fulfilled all the conditions to be a suitable Head of State!
But, if it comforts you, Mom's new lover is called Gastar Bajter or... Biter...
Lemon. (Zeljko comforts her)

JANA: Still, she was a loving mother until that fateful day when she decided to
become a movie diva. Bollywood took her away from me!

ZELJKO: Why do you think so much about your irresponsible mother when I brought you
such a wonderful stepmother? Doesn't Ikonija give you attention like a mother
would?

JANA: She dedicates her attention solely to computers.

ZELJKO: But it's for our own good. The phone bill you made last month, she paid it
through an account of a deceased person whose profile she hacked.

JANA: Give me that fur! (shivers) It's chilly in here... Or did I shiver from the
stress?

ZELJKO: Thank goodness Grandma Neboderka left me a coal stove from before the First
World War in her will.

(Zeljko approaches the bricked-up fireplace built with high-quality refractory

bricks and with glass doors)

ZELJKO: Now Daddy will release smoke gas better than those from Auschwitz.

JANA: I miss Mom!

ZELJKO: I know, son, Daddy misses her too... once a year... But, even that will
pass.
JANA: I miss company too!

ZELJKO: Company? How so, dear? Aren't you in the same class as Slađana? Granted,
you weren't born in the same year, but you share the same C grades

JANA: Sladjan! Let me see you be friends with a copy of Forrest Gump who gets up
ten times to pee in the middle of class, brings blankets to school, and tries to
symbolically protect me. Everyone laughs at me because only he wants to be friends
with me, and no one else in the class wants to be friends with him except me. I
have a problem!

ŽELJKO: You're exaggerating. Sladjan is a typical driver who can't progress without
a high school education. Do you think it's easy for me with a new wife? With such a
mind, the female version of Will Hunting! It's hard to believe in such abilities!

IKONIJA'S VOICE: Željko, climb up to the roof quickly. Someone just had a satellite
dish fall on their head, and now I have nothing to attach my new special device for
protecting morals and preventing antisocial behavior in teenagers.

(Željko leaves. Jana falls asleep. There is commotion, followed by a meow coming
from the gutter. A pregnant cat falls out of the gutter. Jana wakes up from the
noise.)

JANA: What is this? A cat sliding down the scorching metal gutter? I've seen that
in a movie too...

CAT: I was scared by the appearance of Jean-Claude Van Damme with a butcher's apron
around his waist and a gold tooth tearing foil from the scorching metal roof
accompanied by a folk singer, so I quickly hid here.

JANA: There you go. He climbs onto the roof because of her!

CAT: Aren't you surprised that I'm speaking with a human voice?

JANA: Goodness gracious. (pause) Ahhhhhh! A talking cat! Who are you? And what is
that cream in your hand... uh... paw?

CAT: It's sunscreen... Why is it so hot here? It doesn't suit me at all. I could
barely handle it on the roof, and I even had a fear of the sun because I'm really,
really afraid of getting burned.

JANA: Why?

CAT: Because it's completely insane. Even the sun isn't what it used to be...

JANA: Why are you afraid of getting burned?

CAT: I'm afraid of getting... burned.

JANA: What kind of cat are you?

CAT JOVANKA: Have you heard of a certain burned Frenchwoman who they said was a
virgin? About whom they made many good movies? Some of them were even bad. Like the
one with Mila Jovovich.

JANA: Joan of Arc? How come you're a cat?

CAT JOAN: You have no idea how miserable life is. If I had entered a human body,
they would have found me easily.

JANA: Oh my, your belly is so big... Now I see that you're the one who demolished
dad's beer crates in the basement. He'll go crazy when he finds out!

CAT JOAN: I need to give birth. As you can see, I'm not exactly a virgin from
Orléans.

JANA: It's all because of my new stepmother. Why did I even eat her snake milk
soup, her lunatic mushroom salad... cursed be Ikonija.

CAT JOAN: That name sounds familiar. It was a real scandal of the 15th century.
While they were preparing to burn me, the friars were busy trying on my old dresses
from Domrémy. French peasant fashion. "Your life in exchange for these wonderful
dresses!" the Cardinals told me. Because they had never seen such a fashion before.
I believe they had never felt it either...

JANA: I'm trying to follow... I'm not very good with history. What happened next?

CAT JOAN: Well, this is more about household management and painting... but okay.
In short, it was a fashion craze of the 15th century. A mistaken belief that the
Church doesn't like avant-garde. Remember Michelangelo!

(The cat pauses. Takes a deep breath, as if getting tired. Jana brings her a saucer
of milk. The cat drinks, licks herself, and starts purring.)

CAT JOAN: Then the worst happened!

JANA: Only then?!

CAT JOAN: While they were celebrating the upcoming day of High French Fashion in
England, an old hag from the Holy Inquisition named Ikonija took away all my
dresses because she wanted them for herself. The infuriated friars thought I had
hired Satan to harm them, and they burned me!

JANA: You really are Joan of Arc!

CAT JOAN: Since then, I fear nothing, except one thing...

JANA: What?

CAT JOAN: Fire season. I never come down to Earth during that time.

JANA: And I have history class tomorrow at two... We're currently studying the
Middle Ages... But you've been growing this whole time we've been talking. In
twenty minutes, you went from being a kitten... Are your water sacs about to break?

CAT JOAN: The due date is approaching... Anyway, let me tell you everything as it
happened.

NINTH SCENE

JANA'S ROOM

(Slađan enters and finds Jana talking to the cat)

SLAĐAN: Jana, I'm sorry, the door was open... (pauses and listens)

JANA (Talking to the cat) So, they made that up too? The Earth doesn't actually
revolve around the Sun, and Copernicus was a passionate gambler? History
conspirators! And to think he would jump from the Frauenkirche tower because of
unpaid debts while round coins appeared instead of celestial bodies?

SLAĐAN: Tragedy! Do you think we should mention all this in the next class? Maybe
the professor will improve our grades. The first theory about the Earth being a
flat plane seemed more logical to me... (gets lost in thought)

JANA: I didn't come up with that bold theory from the Middle Ages, it was this cat
I'm holding in my lap.

SLAĐAN: Jana, what madness is this?! Even Šako Polumenta couldn't describe you
better in his song!

JANA: (slowly rising from the floor) Am I crazy? Am I hallucinating? (Advances

threateningly towards Slađan. Slađan retreats) Did I eat hallucinogenic mushrooms?
Am I possessed by visual, and indeed optical, hallucinations?

SLAĐAN: (frightened) Well, since your legs smell perfectly fine, you are. You're
crazy. But even so, you don't bother me because I'll never forget the day we first
met at school, and you were the only one who accepted me, the day your dad offered
me a job... even though I didn't know how to drive. (sobs)

JANA: Okay, calm down. You are a product of our pity. And we love you. (they
embrace and cry together)

IKONIJA: (Eavesdrops on their conversation behind the door and then bursts into
Jana's apartment. She finds Jana and Slađan in an embrace, crying)
The cure for madness is a baobab tree watered with Zambezi River water, blessed by
an African virgin from the Mgambi tribe. I'm not sure about the smelly feet. And
without tears of dew, there is no true love.

(Jana moves the cat away from Ikonija)

SLAĐAN: (Wiping tears) Oh, Lady of Star Wars! Do you have a handkerchief?

IKONIJA: (Ignoring him) Who let Forrest Gump in here? (turns to Slađan) Do you even
know how old you are? Why don't you hang out with kids your own age? I'll tell
Željko a word - two - three... Maybe you're not as harmless as he claims. (The cat
sneaks into another room while Ikonija speaks. Jana returns) And what are these
terrifying sounds? Like wielding a machete through the jungles of Sao Tome and
Principe.

SLAĐAN: Please, madam, don't scold me in front of Željko. Only he lets me drive.
(looking down)

JANA: (to Ikonija) And you have nothing better to do than barge into my room like a
Basque terrorist and orbit around me like a cruise missile!

IKONIJA: Oh! Black child, I can only get on people's nerves...

JANA: (moves away from her) I'm not afraid of you. Not you, nor death.

IKONIJA: Why would you be afraid, as if death is something bad...

(A cat meows)

IKONIJA: What kind of cat is that now?

JANA: I'm practicing ventriloquism for the school play. I'm playing the role of a
cat.

SLAĐAN: Meow.

JANA: See, there you go.

IKONIJA: Both of you seem suspicious to me. Jana, Thanatos has taken hold of you,
and you, I hope it's not Eros, preying on underage girls. I'm leaving, I have my
hands full to be thinking about that now...

JANA: Busy? With what? Refreshing Google while taking a break from playing
Solitaire and spying on my dad...

IKONIJA: (turns to Jana) Me, idle? You're trying to divert my attention to yourself
again, while I'm so busy?

JANA: Haha, don't make me laugh, Ikonija - Idle-ija. You're busy? So busy that your
skin aged ninety years earlier because it couldn't keep up with your biological
clock!

IKONIJA: I receive at least ten requests during the day for location
recommendations for the Serbian version of Hackers Two, while four writers grovel
at my feet for help with technical details for their sci-fi novels! I truly don't
have time to play a trained Russian secret agent here, uncovering what's really
going on! But still! I see clearly what's happening here!

JANA: What?

IKONIJA: A pedophilic scandal.

SLAĐAN: Madam, this is a serious accusation!

JANA: Ikonija, why don't you fly on your magic carpet to Bollywood? Shaving is not
mandatory there, and Hollywood will still be waiting for you.

IKONIJA: The only landing I acknowledge is the historic Apollo landing on the Moon.
But I admit that your intelligence has suddenly skyrocketed... quantumly! You're
thinking faster and more situationally... perhaps due to prematurely attained
sexual maturity! (leans in toward Slađan, who recoils in fear and slams the door
behind him)

TENTH SCENE

CLASSROOM

(History class. Professor Dragutin places his diary on the lectern. An uneasy
silence fills the classroom.)

DRAGUTIN (Writing on the blackboard)

The Battle of Actium - the tragic story of Antony and Cleopatra. (Murmurs of
dissatisfaction)

DRAGUTIN: It's not difficult, kids. Of course, if you've watched Luc Besson's
movies... Besides, today's topic is Ancient Rome, so even the worst among you can
choose another question. Lost cases deserve a chance too.

(Dragutin opens his diary)

Jana Mesarčević. (Laughter ripples through the class)

STUDENTS: Professor, give a chance to those who want to improve their grades!

SLAĐAN: Professor, can I... can I...! (Raises two fingers)

DRAGAN: Well, go ahead, it's never too late for passionate kissing... Who said,
"The die is cast"?

SLAĐAN: Oh, professor, give me something harder, I'm not that... hmm... (Coughs)
Hmm. Who said... what?

DRAGAN: The die is cast... (Yawns)

SLAĐAN: (grinning from ear to ear) SpongeBob in season six. Professor, give me
something harder. A two should be earned. (Rubbing his hands together)

DRAGUTIN: (chuckles) And who played the most famous Cleopatra, which actress? Tell
me that, and I'll let you off the hook.

SLAĐAN: You, professor, are not very serious. It's true that we're the same age,
but you're still the professor, and I'm the student. Who? Well, Seka Aleksić played
her, and that wasn't a movie, it was a high-budget music video. You've mixed
something up. A music video (Emphasizes) no matter how high-quality it is, is not
the same as a movie, please!

(Dragutin laughs)
DRAGUTIN: Excellent, Slađan! (becomes serious) It's clear... that you've studied...
that you know the subject... Two pluses!

(Slađan raises both hands in joy)

DRAGUTIN: Next... (writes the grade in his diary)

JANA: (rapturously) He should have stayed on solid ground.

DRAGUTIN: (Raises his head) Who?

JANA: Antony. At that age, rheumatism tightens... After all, the man turned fifty.
(turns to the audience) Remember Actium!

SLAĐAN: I remember!

JANA: The heavy Egyptian galleys sailing through a sea set on fire and the ghosts
of ships floating between Egypt and Greece when the warlike Antoniad sank, while
the renowned Roman general chased after his retreating queen...

(The students listen to her hypnotized)

SLAĐAN: For Seka? Did they release a new version of the music video?

(Laughter fills the classroom)

DRAGUTIN: Silence in the class.

SLAĐAN: Professor, may I go to the barber?

DRAGUTIN: Yes.
(Slađan exits, accompanied by laughter)

DRAGUTIN: Jana, I see that you've prepared for the class. But I have a few more
questions for you. How many Punic Wars were there?

JANA: Two.

SLAĐAN: (from the door) Logically, only one, and the second one was a sequel. Jana,
you know nothing. That was a trick question. (Exits the classroom)

DRAGUTIN: And what about the Parthians?

JANA: Excellent horsemen!

DRAGUTIN: The Parthian shot!

JANA: And good old Media...

DRAGUTIN: In the northwest of present-day Iraq...

JANA: Ah! The cradle of civilization!

DRAGUTIN: ...with damaged infrastructure... oil doesn't flow like before...

JANA: And the Gauls...

DRAGUTIN: ...actually, they were Celts...

(The bell rings, indicating the end of class. Applause fills the room. Dragutin
congratulates Jana)

ELEVENTH SCENE

JANA'S ROOM

(Jana returns home from school. She finds a cat that has given birth. The cat has
grown in the meantime. The sound of kittens meowing can be heard.)

JANA: (touched) Oh, they're so cute. Truly typical kittens.

FIRST KITTEN: To be or not to be.

JANA: When I said typical kittens, I was hoping for a literal meaning.

FIRST KITTEN: Good evening! Let me introduce myself. The greatest playwright and
poet in the world. William Shakespeare. Affectionately known as Anonymous.

(meows)

Slings, knives, and pitchforks

The machines of three-phase motors
Strike the battle axes!
Drill through the butcher's machines!
Down with the Capulets, down with Ionia!
Meowwwww!

JANA: (in a trance, reciting)

To be or to take a tranquilizer
That is the question now
SECOND KITTEN: Good evening, Jana. I am Lady Mary Tudor. You can also call me
Bloody Mary.

JANA: Why do they call you Bloody Mary? Did you start early?

MARY CAT: Start what? I did start, a nickname, and... I like that name because it
is living proof that my mission on Earth was successfully carried out.

JANA: What mission are you talking about, Lady Mary?

MARY CAT: About burning sinners! (maliciously meows at Joan, the cat) What I
burned, I burned, but you, Joan, have slipped through my fingers for a couple of
centuries. Nevertheless, you turned into ashes and you will turn into ashes if I
have a say in it...

CAT JOAN OF ARC: Don't talk to me like that. Whatever I am, I am, and I am your
mother!

MARY CAT: You, my mother? Never!

CAT JOAN OF ARC: Every reincarnation is autonomous, you fool! (bursts into a meow)

MARY CAT: (Addresses Jana) Jana, it might be more meaningful for you to know who my
aunt was.

SHAKESPEARE CAT:
In an evil moment, the mad lady of Castile met sun pharaohs
Who smiled beneath the hoods of vanity, those vile substances.
Oh, weeping burned by fire and already going mad
Infanta Juana the Mad, daughter of great kings, may Ionia and Philip the Handsome
be cursed!

MARY CAT: Aunt Juana wasn't mad! Not until she met Ionia, who seduced Philip the
Handsome. And why don't you mention that Ionia also killed Hamnet, your son?
SHAKESPEARE CAT: Don't mention her to me, Lady Mary! That's when the verse was
wiped from my lips! (mournfully meows)

(a large Cat enters the room, wearing a military jacket and a red satin vest
adorned with medals, with a black hat on its head and golden epaulettes on its
shoulders. It holds itself high.)
CAT JOAN OF ARC: Just in time, Napoleon. Alas, our child behaves very rudely
towards me. Ne pensez-vous pas, monsieur?
(pats Mary on the head)
This is your papa. Because of him, Moscow burned after the Battle of Borodino. You
should look up to him, although I doubt you've ever carried a single bundle to the
stake.

NAPOLEON CAT: Excuse me, Mademoiselle Jana, history is not your strong suit, pardon
me? At least it hasn't been until now. Congratulations, bravo! (hugs Jana with its
paws)

MARY CAT: I will teach you Greek and Latin, Lady Jana...

SHAKESPEARE CAT: (depressed) Ancient Greek.

MARY CAT: As you wish! Oh, Lady Jana (flattering around her legs) I can teach you
so much, so much. I come from one of the noblest families raised in the strict
Catholic spirit... I hope you're not a Protestant, and if you are, at least don't
protest...

SHAKESPEARE CAT: Who dares to speak in the presence of Tudors, let alone protest!
Lady Mary, I have read about you in "The Greatest Female Villains in History," and
I was breathless! You are bloodier than Titus Andronicus... and now... Where is
that evil that will outlive all men? By the Danish crowns, I shall bury it with all
its bones!

JANA: I suppose you, Shakespeare, won't give up easily, and Joan, you've gone a bit
overboard with descendants for a virgin from Orleans. And you, Lady Mary, I believe
you are too devout to start clawing right away...

MARY CAT: If I ever decide to take that step, I would only claw Catholics!

JANA: May I know the point of your (to say the least) unexpected arrival?

CATS: Jana, we've heard that you're really bad at history, and this conversation
has removed any doubt. Since you hate reading textbooks, we've come to help you.

JANA: Thank you, but do you think I fall for such a naïve explanation? I've read
"Sophie's World," just so you know!
SHAKESPEARE CAT: And "A Midsummer Night's Dream?"

JOAN CAT: Enough! Jana, you deserve to know the truth! We've been given an
opportunity to briefly return among the living, provided that we defeat an evil.

SHAKESPEARE CAT: Who lives one floor below you.

JOAN CAT: Be quiet, son. Don't lie to the child... The evil is near... (ominously)
But we cannot tell you who or what that "evil" is. (Mysterious pause) Except that
its name is Ionia! (cheerfully)

JANA: But something still doesn't add up... Ionia is around forty-five to fifty
years old, I would say, without makeup, maybe sixty... if we discount the
percentage of lies... (counts on her fingers) Let's say she subtracted fifteen to
twenty years for herself?
(The cats exchange glances)

CATS: You mean, between one and two thousand?

ACT 12

JANA'S ROOM. STAIRCASE IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING

(Jana's room. Mary the cat plays a pastoral melody on a lute, while Napoleon sings
the "Marseillaise." Shakespeare is reading, and Joan applies sunburn cream. A knock
on the door is heard. The cats move aside. Ikonija enters.)

JANA: Did the euro fall, so they lowered the price of books? Because I see you
finally mastered etiquette, Ikonija.

IKONIJA: Jana, I came to congratulate you. You've become a miraculous child of

butchery! I hear you excelled in history class! Imagine the surprise... someone who
was so... shallow to the point of madness, a clueless idiot, roasted and
bewildered!

JANA: I suppose those are the new official words of the German people and
nationality. You haven't been secretly reading my dad's letters again, have you?
IKONIJA: Well, I would, if they were arriving at all... I admit. But let's not
touch on the topic of rejection. I believe it's terrible when your own mother
rejects you. Even in your case. Oh, how lovely your fur is... (takes the fur of a
skinned fox and drapes it around herself)

JANA: (disdainfully) Take it. I'm giving it to you.

IKONIJA: Oh... Danke, danke, dear Dojčland!

(Slađan enters Jana's room)

SLAĐAN: Pardon, the door was open...

JANA: Come in, come in... (gestures for him to enter the room)

SLAĐAN: Oh, Miss Hacker, how is the First Information Revolution going?

(Ikonija ignores him, fascinated by the fur of the skinned fox)

SLAĐAN: (to Jana) You know that I've always believed in you. And you should know
that I'm really glad you didn't fall for that trick question - the whole school is
thrilled! And I apologize for telling you that you're not all there, that the crows
have drunk your brain, that...

JANA: Ahem! (coughs loudly)

(Jana discreetly signals Slađan to be quiet)

SLAĐAN: Um, yeah... (looks at Ikonija) Yes, ma'am, ever since I read that a
Doberman declared love to a Dalmatian, I've changed my opinion about Jana...

(Željko enters)

ŽELjKO: Did someone die or, God forbid, come back to life? My dear Jana, cheer up,
your new mom has arrived. A role model of a woman! Like Laika!

IKONIJA: Darling! (runs into his arms)

ŽELjKO: Oh, my love! (they embrace)

IKONIJA: Željko, my dear, our Jana is going through an unprecedented transit! It

could be some kind of poisoning that, at least in the beginning stages of
astrological illness, shows a sudden increase in mental abilities, only to slowly
but surely decline to a state... (her voice cracks) ...where she becomes demented
in a few years!

JANA: Look at you, a granny of a thousand and one summer!

(Jana leaves the room. Slađan follows her)

ŽELjKO: (embracing Ikonija) I want you to bear me a son, the owner of a casino!

IKONIJA: A woman must be barren to engage in science. Imagine me hacking the

universe with two fallen breasts.

ŽELjKO: But didn't you always want to visit the upper realms of the Milky Way?

(Jana sits on the stairs in front of the building, crying. Slađan approaches her
and sits beside her.)

SLAĐAN: I don't understand you, Jana.

JANA: I know, Forest! (sniffs and wipes her tears with a tissue)

SLAĐAN: You have everything! A devoted father, a mother who, despite everything,
granted you the luxury of falling into depression because of her and watching
touching movies about parenthood. What and whom do I have? (stands up) Neither a
father nor a mother. Even Jesus had a father. And not just one, but two. One was a
bit ethereal, more of an energetic type... but whatever he was, he was His
father... Just like you. At least you have parents, whatever they may be. There's
also school. Sure, you have two fewer A's than me on your mid-term report card, but
be happy. Even if you repeat a year twice, you'll finish high school at 20, but me?
If they expel me tomorrow, I'll already have 39.

(He sighs and exits the scene. Four adult cats approach: Cat Shakespeare, Cat Joan,
Cat Mary Tudor, and Cat Napoleon.)

CAT MARY: Would it console you to know that there is a way to get rid of Ikonija
forever? Who knows, maybe Mom will come back when she realizes that the evil has
left...

JANA: Of course! (jumps with joy)

CAT MARY: Personally, I (as a child, she traumatized me...) witnessed the erotic
show that Ikonija, disguised as the Bishop of Winchester, performed in Parliament.
(which is somewhat similar to parenting...) In history, it was the first publicly
performed striptease, though many people fainted from it! Something like a stylized
Grand Show!

CAT SHAKESPEARE: Actually, a law was being debated at the time regarding the right
of monks to keep pets in their cells, as long as they weren't amphibians. The
bloodthirsty tyrant king, or rather your dad, Lady Mary (don't look at me like that
and don't hiss), rejected the proposal with disgust. In response, the fake Bishop
of Winchester removed his wig, revealing a bald head and a female figure.

JANA: Ikonija is bald?

CATS: Always or regularly visits a barber... Don't look at us, we don't have
explanations!

CATS: Holbein captured it all with a brushstroke, a professional draughtsman of

photo robots depicting esteemed members of the English Parliament.

JANA: Are you saying there's physical evidence that Ikonija is immortal?

CAT MARY TUDOR: She was a Lutheran even before Luther!

MAČAK ŠEKSPIR: And all this that you hear is just a fragment of the real history,
the one that actually happened, not this alternative one taught in schools, the
history that covers the period from the Etruscans to Hitler's rise to power...
(pause) Ikonija has nothing to do with the latter.

MAČKA JOVANKA: Except that she was his mother, but...

JANA: Enough, enough! Are you trying to say that Ikonija actually shaped history
from the Ice Age onwards?

MAČAK NAPOLEON: Which, by the way, froze because of her. Jana, cheer up, we are
your allies... as they say... le combat... in the fight against the cruel
stepmother. Le curl! (Mačak Šekspir grabs his head) And you, Lady Mary, managed to
lose Burgundy?

MAČKA MARY TUDOR: At least I didn't remain Anonymous! (hisses at Šekspir)

MAČAK NAPOLEON: (authoritatively) Le silence! (to Jana) Do you understand me?

JANA: Yes.

MAČAK NAPOLEON: And now, listen and hear the war plan... (The cats whisper to each
other. Jana smiles)

SCENE THIRTEEN

Hell

(Hell. It looks like a stadium for motorcycle races. The Devil rides a motorcycle
in the ninth circle, which is the widest, with the other circles inside it. With
the sounds of American hip-hop, heads, hands, and legs of sinners emerge from the
circles, only to sink back with screams..)

SATAN: Let's have a drink while I take off this uniform and armor... Never again in
Benghazi! Obama turned all the Middle Eastern oil into wrinkle cream, nothing left
for the Devil! And sing me a quick farewell so that I don't lose my voice! It was
already hard for me to hear the news that they opened a Heavenly Rehabilitation
Center for various dark shoveling and drug treatment in God's own houses, things
even I couldn't think of!

EMANUEL: I don't know... I'm not really up to date... is it really like that?

SATAN: That's what I've experienced. Should God's people have more devilishness
than me? I need something to cheer me up urgently! Can you sing a little for me?

EMANUEL: Oh, Hellish Monster! When a hug doesn't help, a song does! From the depths
of the grave, I will bring you a musical journey that even Dona Marija Tucakovič
would envy!

SATAN: Then... Begin. Or finish. (demonic laughter)

EMANUEL: If I can... The maiden's song of a little she-demon...

(Satan signals him to start)

EMANUEL: (In a horror duet with distorted special effects)

I am a young she-demon,
Like a little bee in May
I fly, I fly, sinful
From hell to heaven

SATAN: Emanuil, you wretched one, what's wrong with your duet?

EMANUEL: I'm sorry, Destroyer, I didn't manage to get into it...

SATAN: Maybe you were greasing up in Heaven while I was away, you sound as
suspicious as you are melodious!

EMANUEL: (continues with a trembling duet)

I am the young dark one,

Your naughty little bee

SATAN: (encourages him) Go a little... Ruinous! Relax! Infuse some negative energy
into the song!

EMANUEL: (stronger and more confident duet)

I am your counterpart
A mischievous little bee
Ahem ahem

SATAN: (wistfully) What beautiful music... I'm touched by the interpretation... And
now tell me, Emanuel, what troubles you? What thoughts are troubling you?

EMANUEL: I wondered when the wedding of me and Lilith, which you promised me with
freshly severed fingers, will take place?

SATAN: Are you questioning my decisions?

EMANUEL: Yes, oh Babylonian King, not this one... I just...

SATAN: So you question the time when I will put my unholy decisions into action?

(Emanuel lowers his head)

SATAN: (Menacingly) Emanuel. Do not test your own Satan. Who is the originator of
the first sin? You, perhaps?

EMANUEL: (Falls to his knees and bows) You, oh Tempter! Blasphemer!

SATAN: Who is capable of replicating miracles, of slaughtering many lives? You,

perhaps?

EMANUEL: Not I, but you, Belzebub's scourge!

SATAN: Now tell me, Emanuel. Who created Ikonija?

EMANUEL: The Almighty, this Lowly... That is, only You could create something like
that...

SATAN: Wrong. I did not create her. (Proudly) But what about Ikonija? (Looks at the
uniform and disgustingly discards it. Emanuel picks it up and holds it close to his
chest)

EMANUEL: Thank you, thank you... Alas... Ikonija... (scratches his head) Your
Vileness, Ikonija is slowly but surely descending into madness. At night, she hears
the screams from the pharaonic tombs of the Ancient Feline Kingdom, encounters
visions of a succubus statue that haunts her dreams, which she carefully hides from
her loved ones, and she also uses the statue for... well, that hasn't been
verified...

SATAN: I solidified the hallucination for practical purposes. I'm glad she's using
it. If only That One... (gestures towards the spheres of Heaven) would do the same
for her? I'll tell you. Never. He has left her at the mercy of the clumsy butcher.
He gave her halves.

EMANUEL: Indeed... Yesterday, a cat in high heels knocked on her door, claiming to
be a priestess of the Martinist Church. For now, she defends herself from Your
Filthiness by rationalizing, citing excessive stress and Saturn's transit. What
should I do now, O Damned One from Mrcin!

SATAN: If WITHIN 24 HOURS she does not see Michael Myers from Halloween with a
grizzly beard rushing to her aid from the neighboring window dressed as Batman with
a scythe in hand... (angrily) I will have no choice but to threaten her through an
erotic chat!

EMANUEL: Master Rogo, I promise even better hallucinations, and that will be just
the beginning. (Rises) Possession by Frenija Šizika is more conversational than a
roseate parrot from southwestern Africa!

Fourteenth Scene

IKONIJA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

(Ikonija is asleep. Cats sneak around the room.)

CAT JOVANKA: By toasted fried slices, this place looks like it was hit by an Enola
Gay bomb!

CAT MARY: That was the middle name of my first nanny...

CAT JOVANKA: If you were a purebred Brit, I'd tell you a French joke!

CAT MARY: Jovanka, be careful not to have another encounter... Again! We always
win!

CAT NAPOLEON: Quiet, ladies... this cat! I glimpsed a mausoleum-like appearance, a

miniature standing tall, let the galleys play the keyboard! But... look...
Ikonija...

(The cats approach Ikonija, who is asleep.)

CAT JOVANKA: She kind of looks like Indira Radić, doesn't she?

CAT SHAKESPEARE: Say the magic words, quickly!

CATS:
As the diodes become smaller than the LEDs
Cats purr peacefully as mice dance - they leaaaad!

Fourteenth Scene

IKONIJA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

(Ikonija is asleep. Cats sneak around the room.)

CAT JOVANKA: By toasted fried slices, this place looks like it was hit by an Enola
Gay bomb!
CAT MARY: That was the middle name of my first nanny...

CAT JOVANKA: If you were a purebred Brit, I'd tell you a French joke!

CAT MARY: Jovanka, be careful not to have another encounter... Again! We always
win!

CAT NAPOLEON: Quiet, ladies... this cat! I glimpsed a mausoleum-like appearance, a

miniature standing tall, let the galleys play the keyboard! But... look...
Ikonija...

(The cats approach Ikonija, who is asleep.)

CAT JOVANKA: She kind of looks like Indira Radić, doesn't she?

CAT SHAKESPEARE: Say the magic words, quickly!

CATS:
As the diodes become smaller than the LEDs
Cats purr peacefully as mice dance - they leaaaad!

Fifteenth Scene

IKONIJA'S ROOM

(A few days later...)

(Ikonija's apartment. Cat meowing can be heard throughout the building. Ikonija
hasn't left her apartment for seven days. Željko is unsuccessfully trying to reach
her. Suddenly, a scream comes from Ikonija's apartment.)

ŽELJKO: (Runs to Ikonija's door and knocks) Ikonija, open up! I don't want to use
force, coercion, or ambush!

(The door opens. Ikonija's appearance would provoke envy in a lifeless zombie's
heart. She is dressed in a kimono, with a crooked turban and smeared makeup.)

IKONIJA: I've lost everything! I've taken all the jewelry off my body because I
feel so terrible! Those beasts devoured me like Marie Antoinette and the
guillotine! I've fallen like Amy Winehouse's voice at her last, jubilee concert in
the Belgrade Arena.

ŽELJKO: What happened?

IKONIJA: The cats ate the mice.

ŽELJKO: But, Ikonija, you know what cats do with mice... Be rational!

IKONIJA: (Crosses her arms) I feel like Smurfette being chased by the evil Azrael!
But I will climb that scorching tin roof!

ŽELJKO: I'll go to the electronics store right away. They can help alleviate your
suffering!
IKONIJA: Go, my love!

(Željko leaves)

IKONIJA: (Takes three computer mice out of her kimono pocket) To be or not to be,
you won't snatch these from me!

(At that moment, the computer mouse turns into a real one. Cat Shakespeare jumps
through Ikonija's window. Ikonija screams and climbs onto a table. Cat Shakespeare
carries a fleshy mouse in his teeth.)

(A knock is heard at the door)

NEIGHBOR: Hello, neighbor, are you okay? In our building, there's a prominent
Serbian sexologist who's interested in your case...

IKONIJA: Go to hell!

SATAN'S VOICE: Ikonija, Satan here. How can you humiliate me like this...

(Ikonija wails)

IKONIJA: (Holding two computer mice in her hand) I only have two! Just two!
(Ikonija falls onto her bed. There's commotion outside the door. Ikonija covers her
head with a blanket. Željko enters.)

ŽELJKO: Iko, there's a rally outside your door! Prominent psychiatrists in our
building (three of them) are at your doorstep, holding signs of Freud, some...
(scratches his head) Marle Džungle and Šindler, if my memory serves me right.
They're chanting and fighting over your head.

IKONIJA: My head? Antoinette, my dear, now I know how you felt!

ŽELJKO: They weren't humans... but an unholy trio...

(Jana enters)

JANA: May your life be overwhelmed by hallucinations!

(Ikonija suspiciously observes her)

ŽELJKO: Jana, from now on, you'll help too. All the hacking equipment is
disappearing from Ikonija at a rapid pace. We need to get her all the computer mice
from every Technomania store!

(Željko puts a cold compress on Ikonija's head. Slađan enters)

SLAĐAN: What suspense! The Italians, renowned machine enthusiasts, have taken over
all the Technomania branches on Earth to disrupt the techno-American environment
and intimidate everything machine-related coming from America! But don't worry,
madam, you will hack again.

ŽELJKO: Are you saying there aren't any?

IKONIJA: There aren't. I've visited all the hacking shops.

ŽELJKO: Ah, those Italians... no wonder... the world is already ruled by goats...
Ikonija, I'm going to Mausland to get some mice, I'll be right back!
(He rushes out of Ikonija's room, flustered)

IKONIJA: They've taken him too... powerful hallucinations... they dominate

everything and everyone with good intentions.

JANA: (Watching Željko leave) I don't know what you did to deserve the attention of
my father, starting with you, who has always been a supporter of the husband-foot
and washbasin idea! Snow White's stepmother!

IKONIJA: Me? Me, who instead of brothers changed channels on EI "Niš"! Juggled
screwdrivers made of diapers! And on the day I found a calculator in the grass, I
knew God had chosen me...

(Cat Jovanka enters, does the same as her predecessors)

JANA: You have one left! One like no other! Ha ha ha!

IKONIJA: Go back to the well or the television, whatever... offspring of evil! Play
with the tribe of lost children! Conquer their magnificent towers and golden
temples! Why are you bothering me in this post-menopausal state!

JANA: What's wrong with that? Stockings are a live performance par excellence!

IKONIJA: I protest, I protest!

(Cat Mary Tudor enters. The last mouse disappears.)

IKONIJA: (Falls onto the bed, tossing and turning) Hacked, hacked...!

(The cats approach Jana)

JANA: Now tell me... What's the point? How did you pull this off?
CATS: Because we have the power of materialization and transformation, turning a
computer mouse into a real one.
(The cats leave the stage. Ikonija regains consciousness. Željko enters.)

ŽELJKO: There's a shortage of mice in Mausland too.

IKONIJA: (Gets up and shakes him by the shoulders) Then buy me a laptop without a
mouse. That's how I'll outsmart them.

(Željko looks at Ikonija in confusion and leaves.)

ACT FOURTEEN

IKONIJA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

(Ikonija is asleep. The cats sneak around the room.)

CAT JOVANKA: Holy toasted sandwiches, this place looks like it's been hit by an
Enola Gay bomb!

CAT MARY: That was the middle name of my first nanny...

CAT JOVANKA: If you were a purebred Brit, I'd tell you a French joke!

CAT MARY: Jovanka, be careful not to have a sudden burst of enlightenment... Again!
We always outsmart you!
CAT NAPOLEON: Silence, ladies... this cat! I see a majestic figure resembling a
miniature, let the galley play the keyboard! But... look... Ikonija...

(The cats approach Ikonija, who is sleeping)

CAT JOVANKA: She somewhat resembles Indira Radic, doesn't she?

CAT SHAKESPEARE: Say the magic spell, quickly!

CATS:
As diodes become smaller than LEDs
Cats purr calmly, let the mice dance - leaaaaad!

ACT FIFTEEN

IKONIJA'S ROOM

(A few days later...)

(Ikonija's apartment. Meowing cats can be heard throughout the building. Ikonija
hasn't left her apartment for seven days. Željko is unsuccessfully trying to reach
her. Suddenly, a scream is heard from Ikonija's apartment.)

ŽELJKO: (Runs to the door of Ikonija's apartment and knocks) Ikonija, open up! I
don't want to resort to force, coercion, or ambush!

(The door opens. Ikonija's appearance would make even the lifeless heart of a
zombie envious. She is dressed in a kimono, with a crooked turban and smudged
makeup.)

IKONIJA: I've lost everything! I've taken off all the jewelry from my body, that's
how terrible I feel! Those beasts have cut me off like Marie Antoinette's
guillotine! I've fallen like the voice of Amy Winehouse on her final, jubilee
concert in the Belgrade Arena.

ŽELJKO: What happened?

IKONIJA: The cats ate the mice.

ŽELJKO: But, Ikonija, we all know what cats do with mice... Be rational!

IKONIJA: (Crosses her arms) I feel like Smurfette being chased by the evil Azrael!
But I'll climb that scorching tin roof!

ŽELJKO: I'm going straight to the electronics store. They can alleviate your
suffering!

IKONIJA: Go, amore!

(Željko leaves)

IKONIJA: (Takes out the remaining computer mice from her kimono pocket. There are
three of them) To be or not to be, you won't snatch these from me!

(At that moment, the computer mouse transforms into a real one. Cat Shakespeare
jumps through Ikonija's window. Ikonija screams and climbs onto the table. Cat
Shakespeare carries a meaty mouse in his mouth.)
(Knocking is heard at the door)

NEIGHBOR: Hey, neighbor, are you okay? In our building, there's a prominent Serbian
sexologist who's interested in your case...

IKONIJA: Go to hell!

SATAN'S VOICE: Ikonija, this is Satan speaking. How can you humiliate me like
this...

(Ikonija whimpers)

IKONIJA: (Holding two computer mice in her hand) I only have two! Just two!
(Ikonija falls onto the bed. There's a commotion outside the door. Ikonija covers
her head with a blanket. Željko enters.)

ŽELJKO: Iko, there's a rally happening outside your door! Prominent psychiatrists
in our building (three of them) are in front of your door, holding signs of Freud,
some... (scratches his head) Marle Jung and Schindler, if my memory serves me
right. They're chanting and fighting over your head.

IKONIJA: My head? Antoinette, my dear, now I know how you felt!

ŽELJKO: It's hard to say who should enter first to examine and lead you.

(The commotion subsides)

IKONIJA: Those weren't humans... they were the unholy trinity...

(Jana enters)

JANA: May your life be sickened by hallucinations!

(Ikonija looks at her suspiciously)

ŽELJKO: Jana, from now on, you'll also help. Ikonija's hacking equipment is
disappearing at a rapid pace. We need to get her all the computer mice from every
Technomania branch!

(Željko applies a compress to Ikonija's head. Slađan enters.)

SLAĐAN: What suspense! Italians, renowned machine lovers, have taken over all the
Technomania branches on Earth to disrupt the techno-American environment and
intimidate everything machine-related coming from America! But don't worry, madam,
you'll hack again.

ŽELJKO: Are you saying there are none left?!

IKONIJA: There are none. I've visited all the hacking stores.

ŽELJKO: Ah, those Italians... no wonder... goats rule the world anyway... Ikonija,
I'm off to Mausland for mice, I'll be right back!

(He rushes out of Ikonija's room, flustered)

IKONIJA: He's also been taken over... by powerful hallucinations... they take over
everything and everyone with good intentions.
JANA: (Watching Željko leave) I don't know what you've done to deserve the
attention of my father, starting with you, who has always supported the idea of a
husband, foot, and washbasin! You stepmother of Snow White!

IKONIJA: Me? Me, who replaced my brothers in changing channels on EI "Niš"! Juggled
screwdrivers made of diapers! And on the day I found a calculator in the grass, I
knew that God had chosen me...

(Mačka Jovanka enters, does the same as her predecessors)

JANA: You have one more left! One is like none! Ha ha ha!

IKONIJA: Go back to the well or the television, whatever... offspring of evil! Play
with the tribe of lost children! Conquer their magnificent towers and golden
temples! Why are you so determined to haunt me in my post-menopausal state like
this!

JANA: What's wrong with that? Stocking is a live performance par excellence!

IKONIJA: I protest, I protest!

(MAČKA MERI TJUDOR enters. And the last mouse disappears)

IKONIJA: (Falls onto the bed, tosses and turns in bed, delirious) Hacked,
hacked...!

(The cats approach Jana)

JANA: Now tell me... What's the point? How did you pull this off?
CATS: Because we have the power of materialization and transformation, turning a
computer mouse into a real one.
(The cats leave the stage. Ikonija regains consciousness. Željko enters.)

ŽELJKO: There's a shortage of mice in Mausland.

IKONIJA: (Gets up and shakes him by the shoulders) Then buy me a laptop without a
mouse. That's how I'll outsmart them.

(Željko looks confused at Ikonija and leaves)

SCENE SIXTEEN

IKONIJA'S ROOM. DAY.

(Željko enters Ikonija's apartment. Ikonija sits in a chair, staring into space.
The room is dimly lit. The blinds are drawn.)

ŽELJKO: Ikonija, surpriseeeee! Just for youuuuu! (His smile freezes) Ikonija,
sweetheart, what's wrong with you? Where does that psycho look come from?

IKONIJA (Rocking in the chair) I saw him. Well, not really. I heard him!

ŽELJKO: Whom did you see or hear, Iko, for God's sake...

IKONIJA: The devil. He made a malicious hacking intrusion with an indecent offer!
ŽELJKO: (crosses himself) Iko, how could borderline psychosis strike you at such a
young age!

IKONIJA: (Gets up) How can you be so naive? Can't you see what's happening right in
front of you? Can't you hear... (Freezes)

ŽELJKO: No.

IKONIJA: (Horrified) It's a song!

CATS: (The song echoes through the stage)

From Gefufna to Geblayzna

The fufer pumps oil

IKONIJA: These must be the Cats! They've taken over Slađan's voice!

ŽELJKO: Ikonija, Slađan is just an ordinary high school student who wants to
improve his grades. You're talking about him as if he's a resurrected Pavarotti!

IKONIJA: He's not a driver, he's a spirit, in cahoots with the cats against me to
drive me crazy! Isn't it strange to you that your driver recites Shakespeare like
the most eloquent signalman!

ŽELJKO: He always gives a signal when he turns, but not exactly eloquently...
Ikonija, sweetheart, calm down a bit...

IKONIJA: Silence! Here it comes again!

CATS: Madam, I am the Driver, my job is to give signals when someone turns... with
common sense!

IKONIJA: There, they can be heard again... now here, now there... like Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde. Like Plato and Hegel!

ŽELJKO: Who can be heard? What can be heard?

IKONIJA: Voices! They're nonlinear, spinning in circles, don't you understand?

Maybe that's why they can't be heard... (thoughtfully)

ŽELJKO: You need a nerve examination, darling! Come on, be brave and see a doctor!

IKONIJA: (Calmly) I don't need a doctor, I need a priest.

VOICE OF CAT SHAKESPEARE: Halt, imperial cash registers!

IKONIJA: (Screaming) Shut up, you mutants, taken away by murky waters!

VOICE OF CAT SHAKESPEARE: What's the matter, madam? Liberalism has taken over,
today everything passes as the poetry of madness!

ŽELJKO: (Hugs her and comforts her, with a desperate voice) Don't worry, Iko, today
psychoses are completely curable! And hallucinations are even welcome, especially
in this crisis.

IKONIJA: They are just shadows... Intermediaries of the psychic accentuation of an

unscrupulous force on my brilliant mind. Go, my love. Leave me among the canopies
of the night where I want only indifferent impressions and inexplicable facts to
reach me! I will fight against nervous cataclysm, even by force. I haven't seen
anyone, I haven't heard anything. I'm fine, I'm fine...

(Slađan enters)

SLAĐAN: Here you go, boss, a laptop not only without a mouse but also without a
keyboard! The latest word in technology! Notebook laptop. The interface consists of
a button and a circular touchpad! Oh, what do you say, madam, finally a surprise
that's not otherworldly, hi hi hi.

IKONIJA: (Hysterically) I confess! I admit defeat and the end! Oh, Satan, oh,
Almighty! You've won! You've won! I will no longer engage in creating computer
programs to spy on the Spirit Sphere! I guarantee it! The victory is yours! I,
Ikonija of Rača Kragujevačka, give up and can't wait to go to the mental
institution just so I don't have to see you anymore, neither you nor the Cats!

(Ikonija faints)

SCENE SEVENTEEN

PALMOTIĆ'S NERVOUS RECEPTION DEPARTMENT. CORRIDOR.

(Mental patients walk around in pajamas. Whistling, mixed with indifferent faces of
doctors and visitors, and busy nurses. It's crowded. Ikonija, Jana, and Željko are
waiting in front of the office. The line is huge.)

IKONIJA: Damn Romanians who created you, spawn of Satan! Oh, if only I had Emma
Bovary's poison right now!

ŽELJKO: Yes, dear.

IKONIJA: Željko, a neighbor killed herself when her demon named Dorothy entered her
house!

ŽELJKO: If you say so, dear.

IKONIJA: A demon can appear in the form of the noblest angel and the most elegant
cat with a long tail! Don't let the illusion deceive you, Željko, my love! They've
destroyed my laptop, caused you damage at the butcher shop, it's a feline
Armageddon! Throw them all into Neboderka's Kaljeva peć, oh Neboderka, your name
speaks of your holiness! Neboderka, protect me, hide me from Satan in your furnace!
ŽELJKO: Alright, alright... I'll get rid of the cats.

DOCTOR'S VOICE: Next!

(Ikonija enters accompanied by Jana and Željko)

IKONIJA: Now they're gone, doctor. They've vanished! No doubt, yet there is!
They're somewhere here... I can feel it! I can see it! They've eaten up all my
tools, chewed through the wires, and there was a rat in my room the size of half a
rhinoceros!

DOCTOR: Who, madam? Who is there? Whom do you see?

IKONIJA: Cats, I see cats, I hear cats! They've logged into humans and now they'll
expand their activities into anthropological spheres! And they'll speak freely,
speak and speak...

DOCTOR: Do you perhaps have cats in your apartment? Do they remind you of a strict
father or a noble mother? You know, madam, an utterance, no matter how nonsensical,
is actually a product of contemplation on the subject of automatism.
(authoritatively)

ŽELJKO: Huh?

DOCTOR: Yes. And madness has its own logic. Why cats? Where do cats come from? Why
not eucalyptus trees?

ŽELJKO: Doctor, I have cats in my apartment, but they don't speak. At least not in
my presence...

IKONIJA: And you're in cahoots with them too! Damn you, Satan!

SATAN'S VOICE: Ikonija, calm down... It's all just a simple hallucination...

IKONIJA: Get out of my head!

JANA: Doctor, would it help if we read her some fairy tales about ancient Altamira
or something similar?

(Ikonija sings Slađan's song)

DOCTOR: Very likely. Where injections don't help, stories do... And now, dear
madam, let's go together, hand in hand, to the room for you to lie down...

IKONIJA: Eww! I'll go with you and you'll give me an electrode! Is this how you
casually waste electricity during this shortage?
ŽELJKO: Darling, don't make a scene, the doctor knows best. Here, I'll guide you,
like in the Tram called Desire, although we're not exactly strangers.

IKONIJA: And aren't we merciful... (In a frenzy) Željko, my love! Yes! Let's ride
that tram together, towards the white castle of intoxicating happiness, where
dreams come true, where lunatics attract each other... (Pauses) But what if they're
not real doctors, nor are the madmen outside real, but Azazels in disguise!
Attacking like cats! Internal support of extraterrestrial beings who smirk at us
from clouds of terror! And beneath them, bodies of once-living, now scorched
swimmers float in a fiery lake.

ŽELJKO: You mean like that floating pad at Ada, Iko?

(Doctor, Jana, Ikonija, and Željko, accompanied by two nurses, exit the office)

IKONIJA: I'm not guilty, I'm not... for wanting and being able to hack what can't
be hacked... Ah! (Struggles) Let me go! Everyone! Those are cats... Cats! Stay away
from me! I know taekwondo and other dangerous skills!

(Ikonija takes a fighting stance. Her turban falls off, revealing her bald head)

ŽELJKO: Darling, I didn't know you used a katana to style your hair! But it looks
nice on you.

IKONIJA: Who told you that? Butcher with an apron and greasy bangs!

(A nurse gives her an injection in the arm. They carry Ikonija, who is now dazed,
off the stage)

SCENE EIGHTEEN

JANA'S ROOM
(Jana is talking to the Cats)

CATS: Our mission is complete, as our perfect game declares! Let us bid farewell!

(Cats hug Jana)

JANA: Thanks to all of you, not only have I improved all my grades, but my
intelligence has increased so much that Skočko would be jealous! And just at the
right moment when I thought Slađan would leave me because of my terrible spelling,
not just my birth mother!

SLAĐAN: (Peeking through the slightly ajar door) I could use a Skočko myself!

JANA: I wasn't referring to an increase in sexual intelligence! Come in and close

the door. I always forget to lock it, although it's not necessary now. Ikonija is
safe. (Throws the book "Etiquette" to Slađan)

SLAĐAN: Oh, thank you, thank you. (ecstatically)

CAT JOVANKA: Now that both of you have absorbed the wisdom of ages...

CAT MARY: Both of us?

CAT JOVANKA: Let me finish. (throws "Etiquette" to the cat Mary Tudor. Mary Tudor
confidently heads towards Neboderka's furnace)

CAT NAPOLEON: Peace, ladies! Tudor, come back here. We don't have much time.
Jovanka, finish what you wanted to say so we can fly away.

CAT JOVANKA: Buy Nivea anti-aging cream. Just in case. Excessive wisdom creates
wrinkles, and Botox isn't on sale... at least not the good quality one.

JANA: Thank you for the advice, for the help, for... (Slađan and Jana wipe away
tears)

CATS: And thank you too, because thanks to the two of you and our extended stay on
Earth, we don't suffer from the longing for life as much anymore.

(They all cry in sadness over the parting. Željko enters.)

JANA: Dad, why do you have such eyes... as if you've walked out of the Red Sea!

ŽELJKO: If only it were just the eyes... I'm broken as if I had a car crash!

JANA: Deep dark circles don't come without great suffering. And, what about
Ikonija? Did she make it to the final round for electroshock therapy?

ŽELJKO: I spoke with the doctor. They'll keep Ikonija at Laza... at least until
they run out of beds. After that, they'll declare her normal.

JANA: Any asylum will do, it doesn't matter. Our electricity is the cheapest in
Europe anyway. And as for beds, here, you can offer them mine if they run out. Just
as long as she gets better.

ŽELJKO: Don't worry about the set design of the asylum, but get rid of those cats!
They're to blame for everything! Two days ago, there was major damage at the
butcher shop. Not only did your cats wreak havoc, but they also caused diarrhea!
JANA: But Dad, maybe it wasn't them... Maybe it was those stray cats that gather
around the building. Besides, they helped me improve all my grades. Thanks to them,
I even know who Hitler's mother was.

ŽELJKO: Either way, we have no choice but to get rid of the cats.

(The Cats leave the stage)

SCENE NINETEEN

HEAVEN. PARADISE

(Saint Peter walks on the stage, in a bad mood. Paraskeva is next to him, tapping
her foot)

SAINT PETER: Where are they? They're late!

PARASKEVA: We should have sent dogs instead! They are loyal and never late!
(Emanuel enters)

EMANUEL: Why the sour face? Did someone hack your Swiss bank account?

PARASKEVA: Oh no, don't tell me we've lost our Swiss insurance!

EMANUEL: Absolutely not, without a doubt! But one must be cautious... just in case
you want to go shopping incognito in Hong Kong! Why do you have that red wig,
Peter?

SAINT PETER: It's not red, it's more like a chestnut... you can't even distinguish
colors, Emanuel, yet you make such serious accusations! Your vision must have
deteriorated over these few thousand years due to the dark atmosphere in Hell.

EMANUEL: You're telling me, Petey! You can't even distinguish colors or combine
them properly. The Dalton brothers would make better colorists than you!

PARASKEVA: Silence! It's like you're quarreling over some chaste living woman! It's
as if jealousy has gotten to both of you! I wonder who this fatal woman is...

(Lilith enters. The Cats enter behind her)

CATS: We have returned from our short mission!

SAINT PETER: Ah, finally! (Cheerfully) Gather the Council of Heaven.

PARASKEVA: And bring the Eden flowers.

SAINT PETER: Light the holy candles.

(Emanuel and Lilith both cough as the incense spreads through Heaven)

CATS: Ikonija will no longer...

PARASKEVA: What do you mean she won't?

CATS: She's completely gone mad. Divine punishment has befallen her.

PARASKEVA: May she recover! What a joy it would be... Thanks to her, heavenly-
hellish affairs are possible! I want her as my mortal friend! I would drink
ethereal coffee with her!
SAINT PETER: What are you talking about, Paraskeva?

PARASKEVA: Ikonija, all this time, had a secret plan to merge Heaven and Hell so
that all souls, including ours, would be in one place - in symbiosis, not
separated. Just like the love of Aeneas and Dido led to the breakup of Carthage and
Rome, Ikonija devised the destruction of the Spherospiritual Wall - for Love!

CATS: Oh, Holy Paraskeva, your Venetian Emanuel (do you think we don't talk about
it in the Dedosphere corridors? Well, you've made a mistake!) has completely
consumed the little bit of ethereal brain you had... We are all ethereal! Look,
Jovanka can testify that we're not interested in anyone!

SAINT PETER: You've convinced me, Paraskeva. I am moved. (To the Cats) My blessing,
lovely sorceresses, heavenly and hellish escape artists, audacious avengers of
Osiris. Come and receive the promised reward, for you have destroyed Ikonija just
one day before she planned to bring down the separatist wall of our beloved
Dedosphere!

(The actors remove their masks. The Cats are now in their true spiritual forms. The
jury for the award ceremony - Paraskeva, Saint Peter, Emanuel, and Lilith - sits at
a table in the shape of a regular hendecagon)
SAINT PETER: Here is the reward for your accomplished task - driving the dangerous
hacker out of the Lifestosphere. The Heavenly Oscar, made of pure steel. The peeing
angel - of course, it's pure mineral water.

SHAKESPEARE: I'll have an Angelina. Second row is fine too.

(A picture of Angelina Jolie appears on the screen)

SAINT PETER: Calm down a bit. Considering all the good deeds she has done for the
children of Cambodia, Mother Teresa would seem like Hitler compared to her. I'm
sure she will join us soon.

(Saint Peter continues)

And that's not all! Mary Tudor gets the privilege of receiving heavenly massages
for a month. Napoleon, you will receive a hellish package deal - we will use the
flame method to get rid of the energetic pimples you earned in the Battle of
Borodino! Jovanka will receive a special treatment - a new method that excludes
burning for her wart removal all over her spiritual body. Shakespeare... we have
prepared a Heavenly Cube for you that solves all dilemmas! Emanuel, can we have a
demonstration?

EMANUEL: (Throws the dice) To be or not to be. (It lands on green)

SHAKESPEARE: That means "to be."

SAINT PETER: Exactly. And if it's red, then "Not gonna happen!"

SHAKESPEARE: (Throws the dice) To be or not to be? Oh, yuck, why am I turning
green... (Keeps throwing the dice throughout the scene)

JOVANKA: And what about spending time with our loved ones on the other side of the
Wall?

SAINT PETER: Such rewards are not provided. Those who have been in Hell will go
back. To a more elite level, though. And those who have been in Heaven... back they
go as well. You must separate, dear departed.
NAPOLEON: No chance. (Turns to Jovanka) Jovanka, I cannot sacrifice without you.

(Paraskeva starts crying)

(Lilith, Emanuel, and Saint Peter look at each other. They all start crying)

NAPOLEON: We worked for nothing! Instead of rewarding us with being with our loved
ones (Hugs Jovanka), you gave us a plush doll to urinate on us!

SAINT PETER: It's made of steel... (Wipes away tears)

NAPOLEON: (Pulls out his sword)

VOICE OF THE LORD: Those who live by the sword, die by the sword!

VOICE OF SATAN: Didn't you say you didn't come to bring peace, but a sword? What
controversies... No wonder I'm wicked. Better to be a scoundrel than confused and
deluded.

VOICE OF THE LORD: I read Hamlet back when I dictated that part...

MARY TUDOR: I knew Shakespeare was just a plagiarist.

NAPOLEON: Maybe others die by the sword, but I know that Josephine poisoned me
while I was alive. (Sheathes his sword) Now I see that we worked against our own
interests. Iconia just wanted to connect Heaven and Hell. To have a unified space,
a unified social network...

MARY: So I can chat with the Heaven dwellers, damn it...

EMANUEL: I'll go prepare transportation for both Afterlifespaces. Perica, give them
a waiting room.

SAINT PETER: Which one out of the 223?

EMANUEL: The one that Kafka appeared in a dream when disguised as Joseph K.,
waiting for a Nazi trial.

PARASKEVA: Doesn't the decision weigh on you, to close your mouths to injustice, oh
knights of Justice and Mercy! How cold our heavenly hearts have become!

(Walking across the stage in ecstasy, spreading her arms) While I was making love
with Emanuel in a hellish gondola...
(Lilith slaps Emanuel and throws an engagement ring in his face. Emanuel looks at
it and first puts it in his pocket, then ponders and takes the ring out of his
pocket)

(Paraskeva keeps talking) ...I watched the unfortunate, love-stricken departed

separated by the administration of the Afterlifespaces, how they run away, how they
try to escape into each other's embrace, to escape and outlast, not only sinners
but also saints... Oh, how I understood them! I liked that intention! I liked it
more than the mask of a saint behind which hides only one... love-struck living
woman. And now, thanks to Iconia, heavenly-hellish affairs are possible! Let the
gondolas of cursed lovers sail closely joined by Styx! Let the heavy hips of galley
slaves burn with passion, and let us watch live as the Fire of love ignites!

EMANUEL: Even in Hell, I am so little appreciated, with a tyrant as my master! A

heavy punishment even for a banker and a playboy, a thief and a gambler! His
Unholiness has been tormenting and annoying me with eternal engagements, so this
breakup suits me well, to sail through eternity in the embrace of Heavenly
jealousy, even if I'm charred! May my dream no longer be a curse, nor end up like
Job - upside down! Paraskeva, you are the other half of my dark shadow! Together we
burn through the fiery whirlpools and stop time! (Falls to his knees and puts the
ring on her finger)

SAINT PETER: You scoundrel, free me too, so that my body may forever wander with my
devil, Lilith Whore!

(Paraskeva slaps him)

PARASKEVA: Deceiver! Cunning liar! Today, any honorable woman is easily deceived by
anyone! (Grabs Emanuel's hand)

(Both couples hold hands, Saint Peter and Lilith, Emanuel and Paraskeva)

ALL: What have we done!

SPIRITS OF ANCESTORS: We've driven a well-intentioned person to madness! Let's
return to Earth and get Iconia a discharge certificate!

SAINT PETER: I'm torn, am I a thief against God! Is that fitting for me... I will
be flogged for my sin! I acted like Judas! No! May demons curse me if I rise
against God!

MARY TUDOR: Saint Peter is the true author of Hamlet. I recognize the style. I knew
it, I knew!

SHAKESPEARE: (throws the Heavenly die) To be... oh, come on, turn red... The
Heavenly die is false. I can't always be. Usually, I like not to be. Especially not
in the vicinity of the Queen of Pads.

PARASKEVA: And I appeal! Publicly! The Afterlifespaces wall must be torn down!
Let's turn historical heroes back into Cats, bring them back to Earth, ask Iconia
for forgiveness, save her and save ourselves!

EMANUEL: I agree. Cats, take Iconia to the hospital room, the most perfect
computer, stop time around her, and let her complete her project - the destruction
of the Afterlifespaces wall.

LILITH: Let's rise against the Almighty!

PARASKEVA: And against Satan!

SAINT PETER: I can't, I can't go against the decisions of the Almighty!

SHAKESPEARE: To be or not to be... (Throughout Saint Peter's deliberation, the

famous line is repeated)

LILITH: Peter, let them carry out the task and save Iconia from madness, then we'll
deliberate...

EMANUEL: That's right. The decision of separation is not final yet.

SAINT PETER: I must have gone mad following you in the wrong direction in the name
of love. But sometimes, one must join forces with Satan to reach God! If Hell is
the punishment for a crime of a heart woven with love as a motive... what can be
done about it! Styx, wait for me, swallow me together with Lilith!

ALL IN UNISON: For if we part and separate, how will we find each other again?
SPIRITS OF ANCESTORS: (All, except Shakespeare) We've had enough hiding in
cornfields, raspberries, blackberries, just to be alive!

SHAKESPEARE: Much ado about nothing...

SCENE TWENTY

PRIVATE CHAMBERS OF THE LORD GOD.

(The Lord's private chambers. Satan and the Lord are playing rummy. They are two
actors in casual attire. They resemble the Krej brothers)

GOD: Oh, Satan, do you hear what they're talking about and how they're chattering?
Like Jacobins...

SATAN: Chill out. Where's your revolutionary spirit?

GOD: So, what should I do now?

SATAN: Let them be... for a thousand years, at least until the second coming of
your Son... and mine...

GOD: You speak wisely. Hey, I just noticed that we're playing rummy with only one
deck of cards.

SATAN: Does that change who we are?

GOD: Rummy, then?

SATAN: Rummy.

(They lay down their cards on the table. They laugh)

SCENE TWENTY-ONE

HEAVEN. ROOM 223. Popularly known as KAFKA, used for drinking ethereal coffee.

(The spirits of ancestors observe the Earth through a telescope)

MARY: Perfect... Exemplary specimens!

(On the video screen, stray cats can be seen sniffing around trash cans)

JOVANKA: Tudorova, is it fitting for your noble lineage to log in as stray cats?

SHAKESPEARE: We don't have time for indulgence right now. Let's start logging in...
Napoleon will log into the body of a spirit-doctor by falling onto the terrace of
the asylum to save Iconia. He will lick her key body zones and restore her to
normal.

MARY: But, Shakespeare, do we really have to fall from the clouds like that? It's
quite a height.

SHAKESPEARE: Cats always land on their feet.

JOVANKA: And besides, we have nine lives.

.
.

SCENE TWENTY-TWO

WARD F OF LAZA LAZAREVIC HOSPITAL.

(Iconia is strapped to a bed with iron bars. Actor Napoleon removes his mask and
puts on a white coat. He enters Iconia's room)

DOCTOR: Good day. (Places a laptop on Iconia's bed)

ICONIA: Are you from the horticulture workshop?

DOCTOR: I've come to spit on you. Afterwards, you'll be clearer than ever.

ICONIA: But, Doctor, it can't be like that. I want to know what's wrong with me.
How did demons get inside my head? And why am I so in love with Mr. Higgs that I
would caress his boson?

DOCTOR: Sit up a little... like this... this is the latest breakthrough in

pharmaceuticals! Pure saliva, distilled from the mouth of a horny cat in the month
of February. (applies cat saliva to Iconia's lips)

ICONIA: But it's March now...

DOCTOR: And the ideas of March are coming, just like the Goddess of the Universe is
coming out of the asylum! This is your discharge certificate.

ICONIA: What kind of discharge certificate? I'm not dismissing myself anywhere, no!
Not until I find answers... Oh, why is this shirt so tight... why do they button it
up so strangely, not a single button to make it loose... Ah, something is clearing
up in my head... Answer me: who needs answers? And where are they even located?

DOCTOR: Where? In the program of your computer!

(Iconia takes the laptop from the bed and starts typing. Dramatic music resonates
through the stage)

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

ICONIA'S HOSPITAL ROOM

(Željko and Jana enter)

ICONIA: Željko! My love! Fall onto my bosom! (Željko embraces her. Iconia looks
around) Where am I?

ŽELJKO: In the asylum, dear.

ICONIA: What happened to me? I'm as clear as the Lepenica River!

ŽELJKO: Oh Iko, what wouldn't you do for this crisis! They examined me at my own
request and found ten diagnoses for you and eleven for me! Look, it says here that
I have Stockholm Syndrome because I told the doctor that I dreamed of being in
Stockholm in scorching heat, asking them for social security.

ICONIA: Where did all this come from? The only thing I remember is that the doctor
visited me, but I didn't talk to him. He just wanted to spit on me.
ŽELJKO: How did it come from? Can't you hear? They're selling certificates at Laza,
offering them willingly for various benefits! They're going faster than indulgences
in the church across the street, announced incognito by the priest!

VOICE FROM THE HALLWAY: Diagnoses, without coercion, compulsion, or delusion! Sign
here! A thousand bucks each! If you've dreamt of being in Paris, we've got Paris
Syndrome for you, almost sold out! If you've read the entire works of Stendhal,
we've got Stendhal Syndrome for you! We even have Lima Syndrome if you want to
visit Peru! In the land of the mad, only the mad can survive! Everything's clean,
politically correct, affordable, and above all, democratic!

ŽELJKO: Let's go, my dear, on that same tram, but in the opposite direction. To our
little freedom cottage.

(He wraps her in a Buddhist kimono. Iconia leaves the asylum)

SCENA TWENTY-FOUR

ICONIA'S ROOM

ICONIA: Željko, my love... Now that I've been released from the asylum, I realized
that my love for you cannot be described even by Vesna Radusinović! From now on, I
only read American literary trash with heavenly themes written in hellish style.

ŽELJKO: So... can I hope... that you'll give birth to our son... our own son...

ICONIA: So fixated on a son. And here I thought there was no greater Balkan man
than Henry VIII. Yes, a son, but not a heavenly one! The last thing I need is
someone descending from above!

ŽELJKO: (Worried) But you said the stations were the problem... that's why we can't
have a child...

ICONIA: Stations? If you want train stations, Anna Karenina can give birth to your
child... (Dismissively) We'll donate an egg from Paraskeva, she's my friend, and
she's not getting any younger... Besides, if that doesn't work, we can adopt
someone from Zvečanska! Then our whole house will be filled with the joy of
children!

(Željko embraces her. Jana and Slađan enter)

ICONIA: What's the matter, child? Did you come back for the book "Etiquette"?

JANA: (Polite) Aunt Iconia, I've come to realize that you are a virtuous, wise, and
tormented woman, torn apart by the chains of a brilliant mind and the desire for an
ordinary, everyday life in which you were a devoted lover to my dad and our...
eternal... (coughs) solace!

ICONIA: (Surprised) What a lovely speech. (To Željko)

JANA: And the cats helped me... Just as the cats realized their mistake, I realized
mine too.

ŽELJKO: Jana, what are you talking about now? What cats? (To Iconia) I don't
understand what's gotten into her all of a sudden.

ICONIA: I know. (She stands up and embraces Jana) Child, it's not your fault. I've
neglected not only you but also your father because of my contemplation and
involvement in the petty problems of merging the Universe.
JANA: But... Those are not petty problems. Thanks to you, the barrier between
Heaven and Hell has been shattered, and someone will be extremely grateful to you
for that. (Calling out) Shakespeare, Mary, Napoleon, Jovanka!
(A projection of Napoleon appears on a screen. His voice booms through the stage)

NAPOLEON: Thanks to Iconia, the dark Styx thoroughfare, once a stinking ditch
filled with lost souls, has blossomed like a maritime Appian Way! The Lord has
decided to approve the demolition of the Wall after watching a talk show. After
such a program, he said, there's no reason for Hell to exist.

(The image of Napoleon is replaced by the likeness of Mary Tudor)

MARY TUDOR: Embodied in the spirit of a fallen doctor from the heavenly heights
onto the terrace of a mental institution... um... for the mentally troubled, we
each licked a key zone of your body and returned you to normalcy.

ICONIA: What a styling! Who sewed your dress? Is that some new fashion?

MARY: It's Tjudor fashion. Lady Salisbury sewed it for me.

ICONIA: Can you use your connections to get me one too?

MARY: If I can find it in Hell.

ICONIA: What a woman she is, not even Hell could stop her from threading a needle
throughout eternity!

(Shakespeare appears on the screen)

SHAKESPEARE: I have composed a poem of gratitude to you, Iconia! On behalf of all

of us!
(He coughs and assumes an oratorical pose)

Iconia, thank you,

You have given us a united heaven
Without boundaries or schisms
(He leans in closer and with a softer voice recites the last two stanzas)
And without end.
Amidst infinity.

MARY: What's wrong with you, Shakespeare? That's Basho, a haiku master. As
punishment, I made him read it to me out of boredom. If you can't come up with
anything, I'll call on Orwell for help! You'll get sheep's bleating packaged with
Big Brother, Iconia, not some tra-la-la anthem or, God forbid, La Marseillaise!

(Napoleon draws his sword)

JOVANKA: Don't raise that sword against Mary, my husband! After all, she's our
child in the Sphere of Deeds, flawed as she may be...

NAPOLEON: Only until the demolition of the celestial Berlin Wall.

JOVANKA: Come on, Shakespeare, recite it to the end, so we can present the award to
Ikonija.

SHAKESPEARE:
Every mortal creature believes in life restored - in blood. And I, immortal, first
again...
Death burns us and with fiery tongues convinces us
Behold! Serve yourself entirely and others - according to merit, interest, and need
But immortal, first again, I howl again
And defy - the ideal of cowards and scoundrels
Oh wretched evil! Oh fury, who forges hope with fear! Let us scratch into
everything that exists within you!
Oh, human disaster!

NAPOLEON: Shakespeare, praise for Ikonija, not mockery!

SHAKESPEARE: Wait! (Cries) Hamnet, my son, they tore you away from my arms too
soon!

MARY: Don't be foolish, Shakespeare. He didn't live long enough for you to have his
carriage made. I mean... his cradle.

SHAKESPEARE: (Pause) I think these are the right...

Praise on the lips with ill intent

Replaced by a song of gratitude
Cats, more obedient than mice
In the ears, in the mouths of us, once alive
Every science is mere noise

ALL IN CHORUS:

Ikonija, thank you

You have given us united heavens
Without guarded territories, without beginning and end
On the horizon shines the united hope
Together we are now until the end of the serenade!

IKONIJA: Wonderful! I am touched... (Wipes tears with a tissue)

ŽELJKO: (In shock) These cats really spoke! And all this time! Darling, give me
some of your vitamins to calm down, so I don't grab a broom or God forbid, go
(right behind him) to the other side.

IKONIJA: Željko, my love, life is science fiction, especially here in Serbia. If

fuel prices can behave illogically, why can't cats speak?

JOVANKA: Ikonija, on behalf of the Women's Comintern in Berlin, with the blessings
of Rosa Luxemburg and the Antifascist Women's Front of Serbia and Montenegro, I
present you with the Gorbachev-Merkel Award for your contribution to the demolition
of the heavenly-Berlin wall.

(A cat enters the stage, carrying the Heavenly Oscar in its mouth)

IKONIJA: (Receives the award) Željko, my dear, now we can peacefully die without
worrying about being separated... But there is something else... (Addresses the
cats)

CATS: Ikonija, tell us, there's nothing we won't do for you.

IKONIJA: I owe something to Saint Peter. It's time to have a face-to-face

conversation... Oh, Peter! Are you dead or can you hear me!?
PETER'S VOICE: Oh, Ikonija of Rača Kragujevačka!

IKONIJA: Now that we're allies, I can reveal a secret that has been troubling you
for a long time. Come closer, Slađana, you need to hear this too... (puts her hand
on Slađana's shoulder)
Slađana, you're not a human being. As a descendant of Saint Peter, you will
celebrate your two-thousandth birthday tomorrow. Look, O Paraskevo, O Peter,
Emanuel, Lilith, this is your son, present and future in each of your
reincarnations. I didn't know this eternal truth right away, but my blood analysis
computer confirmed it unequivocally. Slađana, you have yet to discover your true
powers. You can stay within the warmth of our home as you have been, or you can, as
far as I'm concerned, ascend to heaven with your parents. The choice is yours...

(At that moment, a loud explosion is heard. Everyone looks up at the sky adorned
with fireworks in various colors)

ŽELJKO: Can you hear that, Ikonija! God is throwing a party while the devil takes a
nap.

IKONIJA: He blesses us... Higi, dear friend, I bless you and your dear boson, may
all your quantum particles turn to gold!

JANA: But where is Slađana?!

(Everyone turns around. Slađana has disappeared. On the video screen, to the tune
of "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, Slađan is seen DJing and dancing with Saint Peter
and Lilith as a heavenly-carnal couple, and with Emanuel and Paraskeva as a carnal-
heavenly couple. Satan joins them, dancing in the style of Gene Kelly. The screen
displays the title "Swinger Club.")

SHAKESPEARE: All's well that ends well...

EPILOG

HEAVEN. PARADISE.

EMANUEL: He fell!

SAINT PETER: Again?

EMANUEL: Who are you talking about?

SAINT PETER: Your boss. I put a banana peel in the Limbo two centuries ago and
hoped he would slip on it.

EMANUEL: No, Peter! He fell from the sphere of spirituality. And your plan is bad.
He can't fall any lower.

SAINT PETER: Ah! I did hear some thunder, but I thought it was a concert by the
deceased members of the 27 Club.

EMANUEL: Tomorrow is mine and Paraskeva's wedding, so I came for your

congratulations. And I plan to have a bachelor party, so now that we're all
together, the party will be held here in Heaven, at Paraskeva's maiden house. Look
at how beautiful the invitation is. (Proudly shows the wedding invitation) It even
has Dracula's logo.

SAINT PETER: It's beautifully designed... in a lovely bloody color. And the two of
you look just... Negative and depressed.
EMANUEL: No one has said something so nice to me in a long time... Anyway, is there
any news? (Sits on a dormeo)

SAINT PETER: The bosses have a joint TV duel on "Utisak nedelje." Satan is
advocating for the Radicals, while the Lord blesses the Democrats.

EMANUEL: By the way, what else could I plan for my bachelor party? Do you have any
ideas, Peter?

SAINT PETER: You mean bachelorette party... Well, haven't you always wanted... You
know!

EMANUEL: To try on all your wigs from Hong Kong!

SAINT PETER: Don't play dumb. You've always dreamt of us being heavenly
shepherdesses, strolling through green heavenly meadows in a little flock, yearning
for our loved ones!

EMANUEL: Now that the obstacles no longer exist, it's completely feasible! I have
to try the apple from Eden if it's still fresh...

SAINT PETER: We keep it as an exhibit. If you're not squeamish about Eve's bite,
you can take a nibble, but just a tiny one, so the Boss doesn't notice. He really
loves that little fruit... (types something on the computer)

EMANUEL: And we also have all sorts of exhibits, we can take a walk through Hell to
see... marvelous handmade cauldrons, gas furnaces from Auschwitz, torture devices
in Spanish style.

SAINT PETER: Oh, Emanuel, look... Lilith and Paraskeva! They're on Earth, but I'm
not sure exactly where...

EMANUEL: How did they end up there? (confused)

SAINT PETER: Wait, let me enter the coordinates in Earth's Google!

(On the video screen, Lilith and Paraskeva are shown running hand in hand through
Serbian meadows, with disheveled hair, an aura (Lilith), and horns on their heads
(Paraskeva), screaming with joy.

SAINT PETER: They're together! That's wonderful! Let's the two of us go to the
Garden and finally have some fun! (They hold hands and happily skip towards Eden,
like children)

THE END

Note: The conversation in this epilogue is fictional and created for entertainment
purposes.