Examination

for the Certificate of Competency in English

The university of michigan

Writing assessment:
what is a pass
and what is a fail?

Distributed Free of Charge

 ECCE
Examination
for the Certificate of Competency in English
The university of michigan

Writing assessment:
what is a pass and what is a fail?
We would like to thank the following faculty
and staff for contributing materials and their
expertise: Denis Cheng, Nigel Downey, Yiannis
Kornarakis, Christine Irvine-Niakaris, Paraskevi
Kanistra, Charalambos Kollias, Michael Onushco,
Cheryl Traiger and Elena Xanthi.

© 2009 hellenic american union

All rights reserved. This publication is protected by

Copyright (N. 2121/1993) and permission should be
obtained from the Hellenic American Union prior to any
prohibited reproduction, storage in a retrieval system,
or transmission in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise.

Hellenic American Union

22 Massalias Street, 10680, Athens, Greece
Tel.: + 30 210 36 80 900
Fax: + 30 210 36 33 174
E-mail: [email protected]
or you can visit our web site: www.hau.gr

ISBN: 978-960-8331-72-3
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION 9
A CLEAR PASS LETTER 10
A CLEAR FAIL LETTER 11
CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT 14
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 14
SAMPLE ESSAY 14
ANALYSIS OF CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT 15
PASS OR FAIL FOR CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT? 15
ACTIVITY 15
REVISED ESSAY 15
ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS 16
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 16
SAMPLE ESSAY 16
ANALYSIS OF ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS 16
PASS OR FAIL FOR ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS? 17
ACTIVITY 17
REVISED ESSAY 17
GRAMMATICAL CONTROL 18
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 18
SAMPLE LETTER 1 19
ANALYSIS OF GRAMMATICAL CONTROL 20
PASS OR FAIL FOR GRAMMATICAL CONTROL? 20
ACTIVITY 1 20
REVISED LETTER 21
ACTIVITY 2 21
SAMPLE LETTER 2 22
GRAMMATICAL RANGE 23
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 23
SAMPLE LETTER 23
ANALYSIS OF GRAMMATICAL RANGE 24
PASS OR FAIL FOR GRAMMATICAL RANGE? 24
 ACTIVITY 24
REVISED LETTER 25
VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL 26
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 26
SAMPLE LETTER 26
ANALYSIS OF VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL 26
PASS OR FAIL FOR VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL 27
ACTIVITY 27
REVISED LETTER 27
SAMPLE ESSAY 28
ANALYSIS OF VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL 28
PASS OR FAIL FOR VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL 28
ACTIVITY 28
REVISED ESSAY 29
COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT 30
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR 30
WRITING A LETTER 30
SAMPLE LETTER 30
ANALYSIS OF COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT 31
PASS OR FAIL FOR COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT? 31
ACTIVITY 31
REVISED LETTER 31
WRITING AN ESSAY 32
SAMPLE ESSAY 32
ANALYSIS OF COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT 33
PASS OR FAIL FOR COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT? 33
INTERCONNECTION OF DESCRIPTORS 34
SAMPLE LETTER 34
ANALYSIS OF INTERCONNECTION BETWEEN DESCRIPTORS 34
ACTIVITY 35
REVISED LETTER 35
THREE BENCHMARKED ESSAYS AND THREE BENCHMARKED LETTERS 36
Essay 1 36
Analysis of Essay 1 37
Essay 2 37
Analysis of Essay 2 38
Essay 3 38
 Analysis of Essay 3 39
Letter 1 40
Analysis of Letter 1 41
Letter 2 42
Analysis of Letter 2 42
Letter 3 43
Analysis of Letter 3 43
SIX PRACTICE ESSAYS 44
Essay 1 44
Essay 2 45
Essay 3 45
Essay 4 45
Essay 5 47
Essay 6 47
APPENDIX A 48
SCORING CRITERIA FOR ECCE WRITING SECTION 48
APPENDIX B 49
STIMULUS AND PROMPT FOR TOPIC ABOUT VIOLENCE 49
STIMULUS AND PROMPT FOR TOPIC ABOUT GIFTS FOR TEACHERS 49
APPENDIX C 50
KEY 50
Analysis of Content and Development 50
Analysis of Organization and Connection of Ideas 50
Analysis of Grammatical Control 51
Analysis of Grammatical Range 53
Analysis of Vocabulary Range and Control 54
Analysis of Communicative Effect 55
Analysis of Interconnection between Descriptors 56
Appendix D 57
SIX PRACTICE ESSAYS 57
Analysis of Essay 1 57
Analysis of Essay 2 58
Analysis of Essay 3 59
Analysis of Essay 4 60
Analysis of Essay 5 61
Analysis of Essay 6 62
 INTRODUCTION
Passing the writing section of the ECCE is a concern of both teachers and students.
Teachers devote a lot of time to writing in the English language classroom, showing
the students how to organize their writing, how to use connectors and other linking
devices, how to reinforce their ideas with vivid examples and precise wording, and how
to vary sentence length to avoid monotony. The students devote a significant amount of
homework time to writing letters and essays, planning them, writing first drafts, getting
feedback and making changes, writing new drafts, all leading to a final version that they
can be proud of, thanks to the teacher and thanks to their own efforts to write well.

It is important for teachers to be able to distinguish whether a piece of writing is a Pass

or a Fail. Students want to know if their sense of optimism is justified as they head
into the examination room. There is a lot of pressure on teachers to assess correctly
because so much depends on it. This publication is designed to help teachers better
assess student writing as Pass or Fail.

In previous seminars and publications, the Hellenic American Union has dealt with
several aspects of ECCE writing, most recently by providing a writing handbook for
teachers, in which ideas and suggestions were given to teachers for leading students
through the writing process in a step-by-step fashion, from understanding the
stimulus and what the prompt requires, to brainstorming ideas related to the topic and
organizing them and connecting them in a coherent fashion, to evaluating students’
writing and providing meaningful feedback.

This publication looks at ECCE Writing from a different perspective: raising awareness
of the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing, what the various descriptors mean in practice,
and how to apply them to student writing.1 The purpose in looking at the scoring rubric
in detail is not to train teachers how to rate writing samples. Rather, it is to understand
how the scoring criteria can be applied to student writing to determine if it is a pass or
fail. In many cases, this is not difficult: some seem to exceed the standard for every
criterion and are clearly a pass, while others are below standard for each criterion and
receive a fail without a second thought. Those two cases are illustrated below (for the
stimulus and prompt refer to Appendix B):

1. The writing samples used in this book were written by students in an ECCE Preparation Course. They are
not candidate writing samples.
A CLEAR PASS LETTER

Dear editor,

I read your article about violence and I decided to share my suggestions and my
opinions with you. As I am a supporter of a football team, I was influenced dramatically
from the happening that you described. It’s dissappointing for everyone to see thirty
people injured at the end of a game.

As I mentioned I’m a big fan of AEK Athens, a greek football team, and I watch football
matches once a week. Last year I went to a football match between Panathinaikos and
AEK in Olympic Stadium of Athens, where there were supporters of both teams. Before
the game a stupid fan through a firework against Panathinaikos fans and that was the
beginning of the ‘hot’. A lot of fireworks were flying on the air against us. I was frightened,
I tried to leave the stadium but the policemen didn’t let me. 30 people went to the hospital
and the game canceled. I felt horrible, but I couldn’t do anything.

In my opinion we have to improve the quality of audiences in our country. The

parents must learn their children from the age of ten that it’s only a game. A good
suggestion would be to add a lesson at schools about the attitude in entertaining
places, like stadiums. And about the police, they must be more careful when they seek
the supporters outside the stadium, and to use cameras inside them.

To summarize, the authorities should occupate more with the violence, and how to
reduce it.

Lots of respect,
Alexander Papanikolaou

Content and Development: Fully develops an argument with appropriate supporting

details.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Smooth, effective arrangement and

connection of ideas. The student opens by explaining the reason for writing the letter,
gives a descriptive, real-life account of violence s/he experienced, and then suggests
two ways the authorities could act in order to reduce the level of violence.

Linguistic Range and Control: Good range of grammar and vocabulary; mostly
accurate and mistakes that exist do no impede comprehension.

Communicative Effect: Appropriate register, awareness of audience, and

establishment of context fully enhance the intended effect on the reader. The letter gives
every indication that it could be a real letter to the editor. The audience is the general
public and the writer is careful to direct the suggestions to the authorities, rather than to
the general public. The use of a personal example that is vividly described considerably
strengthens the effect on the reader.
A CLEAR FAIL LETTER

Dear editor,

I am writting to inform you about the currently events which happened to Victory
Stadium, last night.

First of all, the game was amazing. Not only the players but also the couch was fair.
Suddenly, a loud voice is listened, from the one’s team fans. Moreover, they accused
the couch about the last goal. In addition, the score was right. Although, the authorities
acted immidiatly, they didn’t stop. Then, the chief of players give them a not polite
answer so the fan reacted. Finally, other players and fans got involved and 29 people
and I were injured.

In conclusion, these facts become again and again. The police should act more
quick and get outside the violent people. The stadium is an athletic and entertain place.
The authorities should protect it.

[Note: No closure to letter]

Content and Development: Inadequate development of argument. The readership

does not need to be informed about what happened at Victory Stadium. The newspaper
has already covered the story. As the task requires, there is an example of violence,
but the essay does not explain what actions the authorities could take to prevent future
violence.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas clearly and adequately organized.

There is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion to this letter. The second paragraph
illustrates the student’s ability to use connectors (First of all, not only…but also,
moreover, in addition, although, then, finally), although rather mechanically.

Linguistic Range and Control: Grammar and vocabulary errors are frequent and
interfere with reader’s comprehension (‘couch was fair’; ‘accused the couch about the
last goal’; ‘a loud voice is listened’; ‘one’s team fans’).

Communicative Effect: Some misunderstanding of audience and purpose. No

closure to the letter detracts from overall context, which is a letter to the editor. More
importantly, though, the student has not fully understood the readership. They already
know the details of what happened at Victory Stadium.

This letter is a clear fail. It only would pass for Organization and Connection of Ideas.
Most teachers would have little difficulty evaluating the above two writing samples as
Pass or Fail. There are others, though, that fall between the two extremes. They pass in
terms of some descriptors, yet fail in others. They are the borderline cases, those that
are somewhere between a pass and a fail. A teacher will read a letter or essay a second,
maybe even third time and fret over whether to assign it a pass or a fail. This publication
is an attempt to make the decision-making in such cases more analytical, using the
same descriptors that the University of Michigan uses in rating the writing section.

The Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section is in the form of a rubric or table. The
top row lists four criteria or descriptors: Content and Development, Organization and
Connection of Ideas, Linguistic Range and Control, and Communicative Effect, along
with general characteristics that indicate what feature of the writing is being looked at in
each case. Running down the left-hand side of the rubric are scores, A-E, that are used
to rate how well a criterion is met. Where each criterion and score intersect, there is a
description of what constitutes the quality of a piece of writing for a particular criterion.
The rubric is holistic rather than analytical. What that means in practice is that a piece of
writing is not rated for each of four criteria, and then added up in some way. That would
take time and deliberation. Instead, the four criteria are taken into consideration in
assigning an overall score to the writing. For the purposes of this publication the overall
score is one of two: either a Pass or a Fail.

HOW TO USE THIS HANDBOOK

In order to understand something complex, it often helps to take it apart and analyze it
piece by piece. That is what is done here: The four descriptors of the rubric are looked at
in isolation first. What does Content and Development mean, for example? What feature
of writing does it look at? What constitutes a Pass in terms of Content and Development?
What constitutes a Fail? What does Organization and Connection of Ideas refer to? What
does Communicative Effect cover? The criterion labeled Linguistic Range and Control,
with its descriptor, “variety and precision of grammar and vocabulary”, is complex and
perhaps difficult to comprehend. As a result, we have divided it into two parts: Range
and Control of grammar and Range and Control of vocabulary. Range and Control of
grammar is further broken down into Grammatical Range (the variety of structures an
essay employs) and Grammatical Control (how accurately those structures are used).
Again, it must be stressed that this attempt to be analytical is rather artificial. It is meant
to make the Scoring Criteria more accessible to teachers, to help them achieve a better
understanding of what each criterion means so that they develop the ability to recognize
the presence or absence of features in student writing and use that information to make
an informed decision about what constitutes a Pass and what constitutes a Fail.

After an explanation of what the descriptor means, a writing sample lacking in that
particular criterion is analyzed in detail. Why the writing passes or fails in that particular
descriptor is then explained. That explanation is followed by an activity in which readers
are asked to look at a revised version of the writing sample and comment on what
changes have been made and how those changes improve the writing in terms of the
descriptor in question.
After each descriptor is examined in depth, there is a section in which the
interconnection between the various descriptors is discussed. That is followed by
six benchmarked writing samples (3 essays and 3 letters) with an analysis of each
descriptor and a decision of Pass or Fail based on the writing as a whole. Though an
analysis is provided, readers may wish to analyze the writing on their own first to see
how their analysis compares with the one given.

The last section of the handbook consists of six practice essays included to give
readers further opportunity to apply what they have learned about the Scoring Criteria
for ECCE Writing Section to their students’ writing.

A key for all the activities is provided at the end of the book.

Because of the complex nature of the rubric, teachers are not encouraged to use it with
students. By better understanding the features of the rubric, though, teachers can use it
as a diagnostic tool to pinpoint areas of strength or weakness in their students’ writing
and give the students more meaningful feedback that can help them improve in the
areas where they need the most help. This will be particularly useful for those students
whose letters or essays are borderline cases. The features their writing is deficient in
can become the focus of a lesson and, through practice, those students can bring their
writing from a Fail to a Pass.

DISCLAIMER: The decision about whether or not a piece of writing should Pass
or Fail is based upon our interpretation of the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing
Section. Please refer to the benchmarked essays on the University of Michigan
site for official benchmarked essays: http://www.lsa.umich.edu/umich/v/.
 CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
One of the descriptors on the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section (refer to
Appendix A) is Content and Development. It is used to assess how relevant the content
is to the task and how good the ideas are that are used to develop the response. This
quality of ideas comes from neither the prompt nor the task; it comes from the writer.
The details that the writer provides are a key part of essay writing and they make the
essay unique. Other students are going to have similar introductions and conclusions,
but it is the body of the essay that is going to stand out as the writer’s own. One of the
biggest mistakes a student can make is to think, “I’m going to be clever and avoid
grammatical and lexical errors by copying material directly from the prompt and task.”
Raters are trained to notice this. Since it is not the student’s own work, no matter
how slightly it is altered, such copying is not assessed favorably. Making original
statements, even if they have grammatical and lexical shortcomings, is better than
copying material directly from the prompt and task.

This descriptor will take on relevance according to the particular essay prompt and
task under consideration. For the essay we are going to analyze, the stimulus (refer
to Appendix B) states that a fight broke out at a stadium between players and fans,
with people being injured as a result. This is the third instance of violence at a sporting
event in a month. As a result, measures are being considered to reduce the amount of
violence. The task broadens the venue of the violence beyond sports to include other
types of entertainment with large audiences. This means that the exam taker does not
have to focus on sports when elaborating the topic. Writing about theater or musical
productions would also be relevant content.

The question to be answered is why some audiences become violent. This question
should be answered with specific details (examples from the news, hearsay, personal
experience, etc.) that support the writer’s point of view.
Comment [1]:
Copied almost directly from
task: ‘… entertainment events SAMPLE ESSAY
have large audiences’
Read the following essay. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
Comment [2]: effective is it in terms of Content and Development?
Copied almost directly from
task: ‘…a theater production,
musical performances, and
sports events.’
Entertainment events usually have large audiences. People want to enjoy, to overcome
Comment [3]: their problems, to take ‘spiritual’ food, so they participate as the audience to a theater
Largely copied from task:
‘Usually the audiences are well production, a musical performance and basically to sports events.
behaved, but sometimes they
become violent.’
Usually the audiences are well behaved, but sometimes in special causes a small
Comment [4]: number of them become violent. I wonder who they are, in which entertainment events
It might be okay to raise these
questions, but then they should exist examples of violence, why they become violent, who allows them to destroy
be answered in the essay as everything they want?
well. The task only requires
that the student answer why
some audiences become
violent.
Violence at sporting events is often caused by the spectators who are there. I believe Comment [5]:
These two sentences echo
that few groups with fans who have prepared to involved in troubles become violent. the sentence in the previous
paragraph: ‘Usually the audi-
They are, basically, young people who want to give vent to their energy with that ences are well behaved, but
negative way. sometimes in special causes
a small number of them
become violent.’ It doesn’t add
anything to the essay. The
ANALYSIS OF CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT essay is reaching the end and
there is little evidence that
Large parts of this essay rely on content taken almost verbatim from the prompt and this student has said anything
task. As a result, very little of the essay is the student’s own work. In fact, there’s not original, other than the second
sentence of the first paragraph:
much left to look at in order to assess the student’s writing ability. This essay is likely ‘People want to enjoy, to
overcome their problems, to
to fail, which may surprise some, who will say that there are few grammatical mistakes take ‘spiritual’ food…’
(enjoy themselves; participate to, not in; …who are prepared to get involved in…) and Comment [6]:
that these do not really interfere with the reader’s understanding of the text. Remember, This is the sentence where
the writer begins to develop
though, that large parts of this essay are taken from the prompt and task, which do not content. Unfortunately, this
idea isn’t developed further
have mistakes in them to begin with. and the essay ends without a
conclusion.

PASS OR FAIL FOR CONTENT AND DEVELOPMENT?

This essay would not receive a Pass for Content and Development as is. It probably
would have passed for that descriptor if the student had ‘personalized’ it by including
original ideas and supporting them with specific examples and details.

ACTIVITY
Below is a revised version of the sample essay. It meets the criteria for Content and
Development. Why? How is it different from the essay that doesn’t meet the criteria for
that descriptor? Keep in mind the following features which characterize a Pass in terms
of Content and Development:

• Uses content that is relevant to the task

• Avoids word-for-word use of the stimulus and prompt
• Employs original ideas and develops those ideas with supporting details
and examples

When you finish, compare your analysis of this essay with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.

REVISED ESSAY
The media is report more incidence of violence where there are large audiences, like
football matches, concerts, plays. The public wonder why, so this essay gives several
reasons to explain it.

Few groups with fans who have prepared to involved in troubles become violent. They
are mostly young people who wants to give vent to their energy with that negative way.
For example, the violence at recent match between Olympiakos and Panathenaikos
involve mostly young men. Most are school leavers who cannot find work and sit
home to feel bored. They haven’t way to show their frustration and so one bad referee
decision become an excuse to vent their energy.
 Comment [7]: The violence is not only at football matches and not only from young men. At the Jay Lo
This serves as an introduction,
although it fails to convey concert, people were angry that they paid much money for tickets and she only sung
the purpose of the essay by
stating that the writer will go for fifty minute. They didn’t think that they got what they paid, so they start to throw
on to explain the causes of the
violence. Without conveying
things to the stage.
that purpose to the reader, the
writer gives no clue as to how
the essay will be organized These examples show that people have to be treated fair, in the case of young men, to
or laid out. That will make it
harder for the reader to see the be given jobs to earn a living and in case of angry Jay Lo fans, to get what they paid. If
organization in the essay.
people treated fair, then they don’t react with many violences at public events.
Comment [8]:
The writer uses an
inappropriate transition
marker. The writer had been
describing the typical profile ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS
of those attending football
matches. ‘Furthermore’ is an
attempt to connect this idea
and that of the drug and
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
alcohol problem that some Another one of the descriptors on the ECCE Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section
fans have. ‘Furthermore’ would
be an appropriate term if the is Organization and Connection of Ideas (refer to Appendix A). It is used to assess how
preceding sentence had dealt
with a problem with audiences. well the content has been arranged and how language is used to link ideas. Are the
It doesn’t. As a result, the reader
is left confused about the
ideas grouped and organized into paragraphs? Is there an introduction that sets out
direction the essay is taking. the purpose for the writing and how the writer intends to develop his/her ideas? Are the
This creates a sense of poor
organization. ideas logical? That is, does one idea lead smoothly to the next? Are cohesive devices
such as pronouns, articles, and idea connectors used effectively to bring about the
Comment [9]:
These are examples of ‘things transition from one idea to another? Do the writer’s ideas end with a conclusion?
that they [the fans] do not
usually do’. Indicating that
examples will follow would
help the reader follow the
SAMPLE ESSAY
writer’s train of thought. Read the following essay. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
Comment [10]: effective is it in terms of Organization and Connection of Ideas?
Simply adding, ‘…to most of
us, a drug addict or drunk
becomes…’ would allow the Today a lot of people like to go to theater productions, musical performances, sports
writer to refer back to the idea
of drugs and alcohol leading events and other types of entertainment events. There are a lot of times that audiences
to violence and make the
writing smoother.
become violent, especially at sports events as football and concerts in big opened
places. Most of those audiences are fans of a famous person or team. A lot of them
Comment [11]: also are very young and fashionable persons. Furthermore there is the problem with
What is the connection to
violence associated with drugs drugs and alcohol that makes more complicated the behavior of a fan who thinks that
and alcohol? If the student
had written, “There are reasons
the team disappointed him. Drugs and alcohol prevent them from think carefully about
for violence other than drugs everything they do. Drugs and alcohol make them to do things they do not usually do.
and alcohol”, the reader would
have a clearer sense of what Maybe the fans throw things like food or stones. Maybe the fans try to move to where
is to follow.
the players are. Even if the reason for a violent situation is without meaning, a fanatic
Comment [12]: person can do a murder for a seat or something totally useless. Some people are
This is the writer’s concluding
statement. It keeps the essay
obsessed with their team. They follow their team everywhere. They are aggressive with
from ending abruptly. the players to the other team. Many times they use violence, injuring other people.
A summary of the two main
causes of violence mentioned, In my opinion, these are the reasons for violence at football games.
however, would tie the
conclusion more closely to the
rest of the essay and improve it.
ANALYSIS OF ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS
Comment [13]:
This essay would likely pass in terms of Content and Development, Linguistic Range
The entire essay—introduction, and Control, and Communicative Effect. But would it receive a Pass for Organization
body, and conclusion—is part
of one paragraph. Having and Connection of Ideas? There is no indication at the beginning of this essay that
several paragraphs would
have given the essay a sense it is in response to a newspaper article or that the writer’s purpose is to discuss the
of structure. reasons that some audiences become violent. The fact that all the ideas are put into one
paragraph also demonstrates a lack of organization. There are numerous instances
where transition devices could have been used to help the reader follow the ideas being
presented. Their absence makes this piece of writing difficult to follow.

PASS OR FAIL FOR ORGANIZATION AND CONNECTION OF IDEAS?

This essay would fail in terms of Organization and Connection of Ideas. It is not divided
into paragraphs, the introduction does not indicate where the student is heading, and
the ideas do not follow smoothly from one to the next because transitional devices are
missing.

ACTIVITY
Below is a revised version of the sample essay. It meets all the criteria for Organization
and Connection of Ideas. Why? How is it different from the essay that doesn’t meet the
criteria for that descriptor? Keep in mind the following features which characterize a
Pass in terms of Organization and Connection of Ideas:

• States a purpose for writing, thereby generating expectations in the reader

• Has content arranged in logical, organized way
• Uses connectors and other cohesive devices to link ideas

When you finish, compare your analysis of this essay with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.

REVISED ESSAY
There are a lot of times that audiences become violent, especially at sports events as
football and concerts in big opened places. This is a problem that we have to look at
to find a solution. In my opinion, the two main reasons for the violence are drugs and
alcohol, and obsessive fans.

There is the problem with drugs and alcohol that makes more complicated the behavior
of a fan who thinks that the team disappointed him. What do I mean by ‘complicated
behavior of fans’? I mean that drugs and alcohol prevent them from think carefully
about everything they do. These things make them to do things they do not usually
do. For example, maybe the fans throw things like food or stones, or perhaps they try
to move to where the players are. Even if the reason for a violent situation is without
meaning to most of us, a drug addict or drunk can do a murder for a seat or something
totally useless.

There are reasons for violence other than drugs and alcohol. Some people are
obsessed with their team and follow them everywhere. They are aggressive with the
players to the other team. Many times they use violence, injuring other people.

In my opinion, drugs and alcohol, as well as obsessive fans, are the reasons for
violence at football games. If these things are controled, the level of violence will be
less.
 GRAMMATICAL CONTROL
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
The Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section has Linguistic Range and Control
as its third descriptor (refer to Appendix A). It is defined as ‘Variety and precision
of grammar and vocabulary’. In order to help teachers better understand this
descriptor, the material in this book deals separately with grammar and vocabulary. In
addition, grammar is itself separated into two components: Grammatical Range and
Grammatical Control:

• Range refers to the variety and complexity of the structures used in the writing.
• Control refers to the accuracy and correctness of the grammar appearing
in a writing sample.

In reality the two cannot be separated because one influences the other. That is, the
more a student tries to balance basic structures with more complex ones, the greater
the likelihood that the number of errors will increase as a result of those more difficult
structures.

This section of the book will focus on Grammatical Control.

Note that the scoring rubric specifies degrees of grammatical accuracy. Essays and
letters that receive a Pass:
• contain a few minor and insignificant grammar errors that do not adversely affect a
reader’s comprehension
• are mostly accurate and contains only occasional errors
• may have noticeable errors, but, these do not adversely affect a reader’s
comprehension

Essays and letters that Fail:

• contain fairly numerous errors that cause significant confusion of meaning; they
cannot be easily understood and exam scorers have to re-read them several times
in an attempt to be understood.
SAMPLE LETTER 1

Read the following letter. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
effective is it in terms of Grammatical Control? The grammatical errors that are serious
enough to adversely affect comprehension are underlined and marked with numbers
that refer to explanatory comments listed at the end of the letter:

Dear Editor,

I read your article about violence in your magazine, and I am writing to tell you my
opinions about it.

First of all, a lot of times I see different happenings at the stadiums with a lot of
violence (1). Last week two of the most succeed teams in Greece Panathinaikos and
Olympiakos played a game. In middle of game two fans were starting to fight while
the players playing. Little minutes later all the stadium was involved. The disaster was
enormous and some fans injured (2) very serious.

Secondly, it is very important to take the government (3) some measures to stop
these actions. The good behavior is a kind of civilization. A well-behaved person is
welcome in all the places. So, the government with new laws (4) must contempt all
those (5) bad behaviors. The people who make vulgarities must sent (6) to the prison
and all the fans must be controlled by a closed circuit.

To conclude, the society is everyone of us. The society we are (7), so we must do
something quickly to stop the violence in all the places.

Sincerely,
Alexander Vasiliou

Comments:
1. awkward modifier to describe happenings (the adjective clause that are very violent
would be more correct)
2. incorrect or incomplete formation of the passive form of this verb seriously affects
comprehension as agent of action is not clearly known
3. error in syntax (word order) affects comprehension
4. improperly and awkwardly constructed noun phrase
5. improper demonstrative adjective adversely affects comprehension
6. incorrect or incomplete formation of the passive form of this verb adversely affects
comprehension as agent of action is not clearly identified
7. serious error in syntax (word order)
ANALYSIS OF GRAMMATICAL CONTROL
Numerous errors in syntax, two instances of incorrectly formed passive verbs, and
awkwardly constructed phrases and clauses adversely affect comprehension.

PASS OR FAIL FOR GRAMMATICAL CONTROL?

This piece of writing would receive a Fail for Grammatical Control. The errors indicated
are the ones that most seriously affect comprehension. There are, however, other,
less significant errors throughout the letter, as is illustrated in the sample below, where
both types of errors are marked. Those that are not serious enough to adversely affect
comprehension are italicized and those that seriously impede comprehension are
underlined:

Dear Editor,

I read your article about violence in your magazine, and I am writing to tell you my
opinions about it.

First of all, a lot of times I see different happenings at the stadiums with a lot of
violence. Last week two of the most succeed teams in Greece Panathinaikos and
Olympiakos played a game. In middle of game two fans were starting to fight while
the players playing. Little minutes later all the stadium was involved. The disaster was
enormous and some fans injured very serious.

Secondly, it is very important to take the government some measures to stop these
actions. The good behavior is a kind of civilization. A well-behaved person is welcome
in all the places. So, the government with new laws must contempt all those bad
behaviors. The people who make vulgarities must sent to the prison and all the fans
must be controlled by a closed circuit.

To conclude, the society is everyone of us. The society we are, so we must do

something quickly to stop the violence in all the places.

Sincerely,
Alexander Vasiliou

ACTIVITY 1
Below is a revised version of the writing sample. It meets the criteria for Grammatical
Control. Why? How is it different from the letter that doesn’t meet the criteria for that
descriptor? Keep in mind the following features which characterize a Pass in terms of
Grammatical Control:

• Errors
in grammar may be frequent, but do no interfere with reader’s
comprehension.

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.
REVISED LETTER

Dear Editor,

I read your article about violence in your magazine, and I am writing to tell you my
opinions about it.

First of all, a lot of times I see many different violent happenings at the stadiums. Last
week two of the most succeed teams in Greece Panathinaikos and Olympiakos played
a game. In middle of game two fans were starting to fight while the players playing. Little
minutes later all the stadium was involved. The disaster was enormous and some fans
were injured very serious.

Secondly, it is very important the government to take some measures to stop these
actions. The good behavior is a kind of civilization. A well-behaved person is welcome
in all the places. So, the government must make new laws to stop all those bad
behaviors. The people who make vulgarities must be sent to the prison and all the fans
must be controlled by a closed circuit television.

To conclude, the society is everyone of us. The society we are, so we must do

something quickly to stop the violence in all the places.

Sincerely,
Alexander Vasiliou

ACTIVITY 2
Some teachers may have worked through Activity 1 and found it a bit challenging
to decide what constitutes an error that adversely affects comprehension. In truth, it
is a rather subjective decision. Teachers who are familiar with their students’ native
language are likely to find that sentences containing errors that result from first
language interference are not very difficult to understand, while a native English
speaker with little or no knowledge of Greek might find those very same sentences
obscure and incomprehensible. Activity 2 offers another opportunity to check your
ability to distinguish between significant and insignificant errors in grammar. Read
the letter and again focus on Grammatical Control. Which errors adversely affect
comprehension and which do not?

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.
SAMPLE LETTER 2

Dear editor,

I am writing this letter about your editorial in the newspaper.

Once more time I heard a news that some “spectators” which they have been
waching a local game got angry and tried to act as the ancient Neardendal during the
hunting. I supose that 30 casual victims are equal with 15 days of war at Iraq field. The
news that I heard before was that two Greek teams Panathinaikos and Olympiakos
played a game. Two fans were starting to fight and all the stadium was involved. Some
fans were injured very serious.

I thing that it is time the National Sport Association to take measures against the
“spectators” who brake the law and also trice hardered to the players which they
involved at violence event.

We, as a community, suggest a number of hard measures which is the following.

a. In case that a player or a fan involv in a violence event inside or outside (near) at a
place of game event those people whill be …. Permanent.
b. The NSA must order the teams to develop catalogs in which they will write all the
fans whith all the personal facts (names, adres etc.)
c. The NSA must take measures to avoid the mix of the opposition fans during the
game.

Finally is strong recommend to the police to do all the things I wrote above and to
focus as the prevention of violence events.

Sincerely,
Maria Apostolou
 GRAMMATICAL RANGE
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
When looking at Grammatical Control, we saw that some students, in attempting to
write with as few mistakes as possible, use simple sentences to avoid taking risks with
Comment [14]:
more complex structures. There are others who do the opposite. They want to show The writer attempts to use
how much they know and so try to incorporate complex structures by using noun, a relative clause, but gets it
wrong by omitting the preposi-
adjective, and adverb clauses, for example. They may also work in some conditional tion ‘in’ and using the active
verb ‘stopped’ instead of the
sentences, perhaps even inversion and embedded questions. Because of the passive form ‘was stopped’
complexity of these structures, however, the risk is greater that the student will make
Comment [15]:
more mistakes. Students need to aim for a balance between the variety of structures The writer may have meant,
‘Important to stopping the
used and their accuracy because both are considered when the writing is rated. violence are…’ The regular
word order, without focus,
would be, ‘The government
and the president of the sports
club are important to stopping
SAMPLE LETTER the violence.’
Look at the following letter and note the complex structures that the student uses at
Comment [16]:
the expense of grammatical control: An adjective clause used
correctly.

Comment [17]:
An adjective clause used
Dear Editor, correctly.

Comment [18]:
I read the article in yours newspaper about violence and I want to give my opinion. The writer seems to be aware
of the fact that a prepositional
phrase indicating location, if
A few days ago I was in a football stadium which the match stopped because broke starting a sentence, can be
followed by an inverted verb
out violent events between fans. Some people are obsessed with football and many and subject: In the stadium
are cameras which can see
times behave wild and violent when their team looses. who…. In this case, however,
the writer uses inversion when
s/he shouldn’t because this
An important role to stop the violence are the government and the presidents of the sentence is not about giving
location, but rather about
sport clubs. One solution is to illegal the fans clubs of the team who usually start indicating a measure which
must be taken.
the fight during sports events. Another solution is the policemen search the fans
who sometimes have baseball bats and knives! Additionally in the stadium must use Comment [19]:
Correct use of a modal
cameras which can see who involve in a fight. Especially the stadium can be protected passive form.
by police or securities. Finally a good solution is to write on the ticket the surname and Comment [20]:
first name of the owner so that the fans can afraid of the catching by the police. Use of a noun clause
beginning with an infinitive.

All these suggestions can prevent future violence. In the future I hope trouble will Comment [21]:
An adverb clause. Notice that
not exist in the stadium. As a result, families and children can watch matches without the writer seems to be aware
that ‘be afraid of’ needs to be
afraid. followed by a noun or gerund
(a verb acting as a noun)
because s/he uses ‘catching’.
Unfortunately, s/he did not use
the passive form of the verb,
Yours sincerely, ‘being caught’, which is the
correct form.
Maria Antoniou
Comment [22]:
The writer tries using a
prepositional phrase with
‘without’, but either thought that
‘afraid’ was a noun and did not
know the noun is ‘fear’ or did
not realize that s/he could have
written, ‘without being afraid’.
ANALYSIS OF GRAMMATICAL RANGE
The student has attempted to use a variety of complex structures (e.g., noun, adjective,
and adverb clauses), as well as a modal passive and gerunds after prepositions. The
student also seems to demonstrate an awareness of inversion with sentences that
begin with a prepositional phrase and indicate location. S/he may also be aware of how
word order can shift focus in English. As a result of having used all these structures,
however, there is less grammatical control. Granted, there are errors in even the simple
sentences (broke out violence, behave violent and wild, when the team looses, illegal
the fans club, another solution is the policemen search the fans, etc.). Even more
significant breakdowns in control occur, however, in the complex structures the student
has tried to use: in the stadium must use cameras, without afraid, afraid of the catching
of the police, etc.

PASS OR FAIL FOR GRAMMATICAL RANGE?

While this letter would fail for Grammatical Control due to the difficulties the student has
producing complex structures, it would receive a Pass for Grammatical Range.

This writing sample would likely have passed in terms of Grammatical Control if the
student had had a better grasp of grammar, particularly in the more complex structures,
where errors appear to affect comprehension more adversely.

ACTIVITY
Below is a revised version of the sample letter. It meets the criteria for Grammatical
Range and Control. Why? How is it different from the letter that doesn’t meet the
criteria for that descriptor? Is there a balance of grammatical range and control? Has
comprehensibility improved? How do the various types of clauses now enhance this
piece of writing rather than detract from it? Keep in mind the following features which
characterize a Pass in terms of Grammatical Range:

• Balances simple and complex structures

• Pays attention to form (this actually falls under Grammatical Control, but the two
are interrelated)

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.
REVISED LETTER

Dear Editor,

I read the article in yours newspaper about violence and I want to give my opinion.

A few days ago I was in a football stadium in which the match was stopped because
broke out violent events between fans. Some people are obsessed with football and
many times behave wild and violent when their team loses.

An important role in stopping the violence can be played by the government and the
presidents of the sport clubs. One solution is to illegal the fans clubs of the team that
usually starts the fight during sports events. Another solution is for the policemen to
search the fans, who sometimes have baseball bats and knives! Additionally in the
stadium cameras must be used which can see who is involved in a fight. Especially
the stadium can be protected by police or securities. Finally a good solution is to write
on the ticket the surname and first name of the owner so that the fans can be afraid of
being caught by the police.

All these suggestions can prevent future violence. In the future I hope trouble will not
exist in the stadium. As a result, families and children can watch matches without being
afraid.

Yours sincerely,
Maria Antoniou
 VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
As mentioned earlier, the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section has Linguistic
Range and Control as its third descriptor. It is characterized as ‘Variety and precision of
grammar and vocabulary’. In order to help teachers better understand this descriptor,
grammatical range and control were looked at independently of vocabulary. In this
section, vocabulary is focused on. How broad is the range of vocabulary used? Is it
used accurately? To what degree do the words used by the student contribute to or
hinder comprehension of the text? These are the questions covered in this descriptor.

SAMPLE LETTER
Read the following letter. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
effective is it in terms of Vocabulary Range and Control?

Dear Editor,

I would like to write you about the violence at sporting events in Greece especially in
football games. In Greece I have seen the really violence many times before the football
games, during the football games and after the football games on the roads. The fanatic
hooligans usually use the vulgar language and they some times throw stones or wood
pieces to the players or to the other football club fans. This create danger to the normal
fans. Families stop to go to the stadiums long time ago. I usually go to the stadium to see
my favourite football club panathinakes and always choose ticket in the gates farway of
fanatic fans. I avoid to go to the stadium when my favourite team plays with derby.

In Greece during weekends usually we heard bad news like your article.

In the last years Greek government tried to take measures for eliminate the violence
in the stadiums. One of them is to avoid to give tickets to the guest team fans. This
measure is not good for the guest team players because they don’t have the fans’
support I believe that the problem is different. The rest of these funs are with out
academic education, with poor backround knowledges and bad family environment.

Best regards
Lina Grigoriou

ANALYSIS OF VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL

The student uses quite repetitive language to convey meaning. For example, the word
football is used 4 times in the first 2 sentences. The words fan and fanatic are also used
excessively, and in the case of the latter, incorrectly. There is an attempt on the part
of the student to use some more advanced vocabulary words, such as eliminate and
background knowledge. There are also several instances of a lack of control over the
words used (what is derby?; avoid has been learned, but not the syntax that this word
governs, that avoid is followed by a noun or gerund; create danger for, not to someone).
PASS OR FAIL FOR VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL
This letter would receive a Fail in terms of Vocabulary Range and Control. Though there
are at least two attempts to use more advanced vocabulary, the writing is characterized
by numerous repetitions of the same words and several instances of inaccurate word
choice.

ACTIVITY
Below is a revised version of the sample letter. It meets the criteria for Vocabulary
Range and Control. Why? How is it different from the letter that does not meet the
criteria for that descriptor? What could the student do to minimize repetitive use of
vocabulary? Keep in mind the following features that determine a Pass in terms of
Vocabulary Range and Control:

• Uses a variety of vocabulary that contributes to comprehension of the text

• Aims for precision
• Avoids repetition by employing alternative ways of saying the same thing

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.

REVISED LETTER

Dear Editor,

I would like to write you about the violence at sporting events in Greece especially in
football games. In Greece I have seen the really violence many times before, during and
after the matches on the roads. The hooligans usually use the vulgar language and they
some times throw stones or wood pieces to the players or to the other club fans. This
create danger to the normal fans. Families stop to go to the stadiums long time ago. I
usually go to the stadium to see my favourite team Panathinakes and always choose
ticket in the gates farway of the overenthusiastic people. I avoid to go to the stadium
when my favourite team plays with a rival team.

In Greece during weekends usually we heard bad news like your article.

In the last years Greek government tried to take measures for eliminate the violence
in the stadiums. One of them is to avoid to give tickets to the guest team fans. This
measure is not good for the guest team players because they don’t have the support
from the crowd in the stadium. I believe that the problem is different. The rest of these
fans are with out academic education, with poor backround knowledges and bad family
environment.

Best regards
Lina Grigoriou
 Comment [23]: SAMPLE ESSAY
Copied almost verbatim from
prompt. Read the following essay. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
Comment [24]: effective is it in terms of Vocabulary Range and Control?
This adjective is used here and
then twice more in the next
sentence. Very repetitive. Types of entermaint events with large audience are very easy to start a fight—for
Comment [25]:
example theater productions musical performances and sports events.
This adjective is used three
times in this paragraph.
Repetitive. This happens because a big number of people with different way of thinking and
Comment [26]: different educational combine each other. It is a very big problem when a fight starts
An attempt to use an English within a big number of public because it can spread like a fire. I claimed the different
idiom, ‘spread like wildfire’.
way of thinking like a serious reason because the behavior problems start from an
Comment [27]:
Enhances vocabulary range, early age where family is the source where people learn good behavior. So if they
but detracts from vocabulary
control.
didn’t learn to respect the others belongings they will do it when they grow up.

Comment [28]:
Nice use of vocabulary to This kind of things happen in the stadium where some people broke the chair and they
create an appropriate phrase. throw them in play’s flield. One way that can stop this behavior is a better school and
Comment [29]: family values. Also the stadiums must build dettes so people are better organized and
An attempt at creative use of
vocabulary. the police can rush their movement’s better.
Comment [30]:
Incorrect use of some words, We all condem this things that happen in the stadiums and in the places where many
but this does not interfere with
comprehension. people meet.
Comment [31]:
Play’s field shows a logical use
of the possessive morpheme
-’s, permitting comprehension ANALYSIS OF VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL
by English speakers even
though the use of the term The student copies directly from the text of the question at the beginning of the essay,
on the playing field or simply resulting in a very weak start. In addition, there is too much repetition in the use of
on the field would have been
more accurate. some words (different, big). The student attempts to use complicated forms such
Comment [32]: as idioms, and should be credited for the attempts to broaden range even when not
‘better educational system’ is completely successful in terms of control. Overall, though, this essay would fail in terms
more appropriate here.
of Vocabulary Range and Control.
Comment [33]:
Enhances vocabulary range.
PASS OR FAIL FOR VOCABULARY RANGE AND CONTROL?
Comment [34]:
Not sure what is meant here. This essay would receive a Fail in terms of Vocabulary Range and Control. While there
are indications of vocabulary range (spread like a fire; claimed; behavior problems
Comment [35]:
‘rush’ is used inappropriately start from an early age; family values; rush; condemn), many of these terms are used
here. inappropriately.
Comment [36]:
Very general. Would benefit
by more vocabulary words ACTIVITY
that are more precise. Below is a revised version of the sample essay. It meets the criteria for Vocabulary
Range and Control. Why? How is it different from the essay that does not meet the
criteria for that descriptor? Why don’t the errors matter in terms of comprehension
(for example, why is the meaning of play’s field understandable even though it is an
incorrect term?)?
Keep in mind the following features that determine a Pass in terms of Vocabulary Range
and Control:

• Uses a variety of vocabulary that contributes to comprehension of the text

• Aims for precision
• Avoids repetition by employing alternative ways of saying the same thing

When you finish, compare your analysis of this essay with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.

REVISED ESSAY
Types of entermaint events with large audience are very easy to start a fight—for
example theater productions, concerts, and football matches.

This happens because many people with other way of thinking and different
educational combine each other. It is a very big problem when a fight starts within a
large number of public because it can spread like wildfire. I believe the different way of
thinking like a serious reason because the behavior problems start from an early age
where family is the source where people learn good behavior. So if they didn’t learn to
respect the others belongings they will do it when they grow up.

This kind of things happen in the stadium where some people broke the chair and they
throw them in play’s flield. One way that can stop this behavior is a better educational
system and family values. Also the stadiums must build dettes so people are better
organized and the police can rush their movment’s better.

We all condem this things that happen in the stadiums and concert halls and theaters.
 COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT
UNDERSTANDING THE DESCRIPTOR
The last of the descriptors on the ECCE Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section is
Communicative Effect (refer to Appendix A). This refers to how well the communicative
goals of the task are achieved. The student should focus on making the content
relevant and appropriate to the audience specified in the task. The register should be
appropriate – showing that the student is aware of how formal the writing should be and
who the likely readers will be.

The other major contributing factor to communicative effect includes the degree to which
the establishment of context by the student contributes to or hinders comprehension of
the text. Based on the assigned task, the student should give examples of the problem,
and these should provide a context that supports the stated solution. The reader should
be able to easily understand what is being proposed and why.

WRITING A LETTER
The task of writing a letter to an editor should show awareness that getting the
correspondence published is based on a competition against all the other letters the
editor has received. Therefore, it should be brief and to the point. The letter should
be focused on the particular issue, and not have a long or rambling introduction. The
sentences and paragraphs should be directly relevant to the stated goal of the letter.
As the intended audience includes newspaper readers, the letter could be less formal
than an academic essay. The stated task calls for the expression of a convincing point
of view on the subject of violence at sporting events, and the inclusion of succinctly
stated solutions to the problem. There should also be an expressed awareness of who
the appropriate authorities are in this situation. The editor and the newspaper have no
responsibility for solving the problem and the students should indicate who they are
calling upon for a resolution.

SAMPLE LETTER
Read the following letter. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
effective is it in terms of Communicative Effect?

Dear Editor

Violence at sporting events is very often situation. The most common sport that the
Comment [37]:
The first line in a letter to the spectatos use violence is football. I think this happend because football is the most
editor should clearly indicate
what issue will be addressed. popular and famous sport in the world. There are a lot of violence examples that I have
This introduction is somewhat
unclear.
heard and seen but one is the most violence. I remember when I was going to football
stadium, I saw hooligans from two opposites teams fighting in front of stadium. They
Comment [38]: were fighting for almost ten minutes without anyone do something, no police were
nice attempt to make the
issue personal – always more there. After when I get home I heard from the TV that was one dead person and eleven
compelling
injuted. This new make me sad.
Comment [39]:
not appropriate – the editor
isn’t responsible for solving
As a result of this I’m writing you some actions that you could take to prevent
this problem future violence. The first thing is to use new technology to spy the stadium and the
places near there. With this they can stop any violence immidiadly without late. New Comment [40]:
The writer does not include
technology as cameras. One very important is to identify the hooligans and keep them an appropriate closure in this
essay. This is not consistent
out of stadium. That was my first actions that comming, in my mind. with a letter format.

ANALYSIS OF COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT

The student tied violence as a concept to football, citing the sport’s popularity and fame
as cause of this connection. However, the reasons behind this association are unclear,
and as a result, unconvincing. The student did provide a compelling and effective
example of the potential results of sports-related violence with a cited example of a
tragic event that he or she witnessed. However, the suggestion of actions you could
take seemed to place the responsibility for solutions on the editor, showing a lack of
awareness of audience and proper register.

PASS OR FAIL FOR COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT?

The communicative goals of this letter were not sufficiently achieved. The responsibility
for finding a solution appears to be with the editor rather than with the authorities. In
addition, the association between violence and football remains unconvincing. The
letter, therefore, would receive a Fail in this category.

ACTIVITY
Look at the letter below. It meets the criteria for Communicative Effect. Why? How is it
different from a letter that does meet the criteria for this descriptor? What in the writing
indicates that it is meant to be a letter to the editor? Who is the student’s intended
audience and how is that made clear? How could this letter have been written to be
more enticing to publish? Keep in mind the following features that determine a Pass in
terms of Communicative Effect:

• Makes clear who the intended reader is

• States at the beginning the purpose of the writing
• Summarizes at the end essential message of the writing
• Uses an appropriate register
• In the case of a letter, has a formal opening and closing

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C.

REVISED LETTER

Dear Editor

I read in your newspaper about the fight at Victory Stadium last night. It is not unusual.
I have seen it many times and I want to say ways to stop it.

Violence at sporting events is very often situation. The most common sport that the
spectatos use violence is football. I think this happend because football is the most
popular and famous sport in the world. There are a lot of violence examples that I have
heard and seen but one is the most violence. I remember when I was going to football
stadium, I saw hooligans from two opposites teams fighting in front of stadium. They
 were fighting for almost ten minutes without anyone do something, no police were
there. After when I get home I heard from the TV that was one dead person and eleven
injuted. This new make me sad.

As a result of this I’m writing you some actions that the authorities could take to prevent
future violence. The first thing is to use new technology to spy the stadium and the
places near there. With this they can stop any violence immidiadly without late. New
technology as cameras. One very important is to identify the hooligans and keep them
out of stadium. That was my first actions that comming, in my mind.

Technology can stop the violence at sporting events. I hope the authorities will do
something.

Sincerely yours,
Kostas

WRITING AN ESSAY
The essay task requires the students to specifically address the issue of violence
at entertainment events. Students should include their opinions about what causes
violence, and make a connection to the specific issue of how the problem relates
to audiences. The establishment of context is critical to achieving the desired
communicative effect, starting with a clear topic sentence that will set the background
for the audience. An essay should reflect a more formal register than the above letter to
the editor format.

Comment [41]: SAMPLE ESSAY

Opening sentence redundant
and does not include sufficient
Read the following essay. For the stimulus and prompt, refer to Appendix B. How
context. effective is it in terms of Communicative Effect?
Comment [42]:
Even with the misspelling of This is an opportunity for me to write about my opinion for violent audiences. Many times
“passion” the writer makes
his or her meaning clear and I usually observe violent in sports events. I believe that people who are fun on sports they
gives details addressing the
essay task.
have pathion about them. This pathion interest always teams. Because of this pathion
teams many times have more effort. So they want people with pathion to be fun of them.
This is like a chain that keeps fun people in a team and always in the same team.

Obviously people that only watch sport games or sports generaly aren’t always fun
Comment [43]:
of sports. Some of them they don’t like to watch sports because they can’t stand to
As described in the prompt observe violence or being part in a violent sport game with always bud results.
for this task, the writer has
broadened the scope of
the essay, including musical
performances as places where Otherwise musical performances are rately for enjoy. Sometimes many of the people
violence can also occur.
that want to go to performance they couldn’t affort to do it. High prices avoid pure
Comment [44]: people to listen or enjoy music events. So they are often argue about this and try to
Even though the grammar is go in the event with no ticket and the fight become. I believe if we have low prices in
problematic in this sentence,
the meaning is clear and the musical performances we will not have violence. Because music gives happiness to
writer fulfils the need to de-
scribe the cause of violence. the people and entertainment too.
ANALYSIS OF COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT
This student clearly addresses the task. Although the first sentence is unnecessary, the
student does specifically focus on audiences, and the reasons why they may become
violent. In addition, the student has managed to describe sources for violent behavior
in two very different venues – sports and musical performances – and gives details for
each.

PASS OR FAIL FOR COMMUNICATIVE EFFECT?

This essay would Pass in terms of Communicative Effect. The student starts off rather
awkwardly because stating that one ‘plans’ to do something is always less effective
than just doing it. However, the point of the essay is made clear at the beginning with
the attribution of violence to pathion (passion). Although there are quite a few errors of
vocabulary and spelling, the logical nature of how the student’s argument is constructed
significantly contributes to comprehension. For example, the first three sentences in the
second paragraph (This pathion interest always teams. Because of this pathion teams
many times have more effort. So they want people with pathion to be fun of them) are
logical and therefore work together to make the student’s meaning clearer.

The purpose for writing generally allows the reader to follow the text and there is
adequate detail for the two different venues for the student to make his/her point.
 INTERCONNECTION OF DESCRIPTORS
Up to now, we have looked at each descriptor of the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing
Section in isolation to understand better what each means, and then applied this
understanding to actual samples of writing. In reality, though, the situation is more
complicated because the various descriptors interact with each other. In the case of
Linguistic Range and Control, where we separated that criterion into two strands, Range
and Control, the reason they are part of the same descriptor became clear. As a student
attempts to vary sentence length with different types of clauses or conditional structures,
the writing tends to exhibit less linguistic control, and vice-versa. Similarly, Linguistic
Range and Control is likely to have an influence on Communicative Effect.

SAMPLE LETTER
In the sample letter that follows, note how content and development influence the
overall communicative effect of the writing:

Dear editor

In todays world violence is around us very often. At the end or during a sporting event
many times we have seen something like that.

Authorities can take action to prevent Future violence by educating people and provide
the benefits of racing. Also they should start meating at schools or workplaces and
using the media. In addition it’s not good to use volence to stop Fights but action before
these happens.

There are some measures that the authorities can take to reduce violence but there are
a lot others. Thank you for spending you time to reading my letter.

Sincerely,
Stavroula

ANALYSIS OF INTERCONNECTION BETWEEN DESCRIPTORS

The student failed to give an example of violence at a sporting event, and only
included a general statement that violence is seen ‘many times’. This lack of specificity
adversely affects the appropriate register, and shows a failure to address the audience
appropriately, as specific examples are more effective in convincing people to take
action, as well as being required by the task statement. The student did make an
attempt to explain some actions that could be taken to prevent violence, including
government education programs at schools and workplaces, but the lack of context
about what the educational program should include hindered the achievement of
the stated communicative goals. The relevance of not using violence to stop fights
could have been made clear, and would have been much more effective if tied into the
student’s general argument.
ACTIVITY
Now look at a revised version of the letter below. The changes made are indicated
in italics. How have these additions enhanced the writing? What difference do the
changes make to Content and Development? To Communicative Effect?

When you finish, compare your analysis of this letter with the one in Appendix C at the
back of this book.

REVISED LETTER
Dear editor

In todays world violence is around us very often. At the end or during a sporting event
many times we have seen something like that. For example, I recently was at a football
match. The home team fans saw their team was losing. Some of them started throwing
bottles and food onto the field. Some of them tried going onto the field. Things became
violent.

Authorities can take action to prevent Future violence by educating people and provide
the benefits of racing. They can teach children in school how to behave at a match. Also
they should start meating at schools or workplaces and using the media to advertise the
dangers of violence at football matches. In addition it’s not good to use volence to stop
Fights but action before these happens.

There are some measures that the authorities can take to reduce violence but there are
a lot others. Thank you for spending you time to reading my letter.

Sincerely,
Stavroula
 THREE BENCHMARKED ESSAYS
AND THREE BENCHMARKED LETTERS
Thus far in this book we have focused on descriptors in isolation. After discussing the
features or characteristics of each descriptor from the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing
Section, we analyzed writing samples to demonstrate how these descriptors could be
applied to students’ writing. We also saw how descriptors interact with each other, one
influencing the other. That was true for Linguistic Range and Accuracy, where increasing
the range of grammar and vocabulary often led to a decrease in accuracy. It was also
particularly true for Content and Development and Communicative Effect. Supporting
details and examples lend credence to the student’s arguments and enhance the overall
effect that letter or essay has on the reader.

At this stage, we move on to a more holistic approach, which is how the scoring rubric
is actually used. Instead of assessing whether a piece of writing passes or fails based
on individual descriptors, teachers need to look at the writing as a whole. They should
consider each descriptor, but should not assign a Pass or Fail to each one and then try
to add them up in some way.

The writing samples in this section (refer to Appendix B for stimulus and prompt) were
particularly challenging to assign a Pass or Fail to because they exhibit strengths in
some areas and weaknesses in other areas. They have been benchmarked and are
included here for you to examine. We hope that they will raise awareness of the thought
process that goes into determining whether or not a piece of writing receives an overall
Pass or Fail. Though an analysis justifying the Pass or Fail follows each, you may want
to do your own analysis first to see how you would rate each one.

Essay 1
Generally, in these days people don’t have many free time. All of them work very hard
to have all things which need for a good life. When they go out, their behavior is not
normally. Many times they behaved very well, but other time they become violent. I
believe this strange behavior create because these people do not receive warm feeling,
love and support from their families.

Psychological reasons lead people to become violent when they go out for
entertainment in the theater productions for example or in sports events. The audience,
in my view, wants to be like stars who love one day, and so became fanatic audience in
the end. Many people take drugs because of problems in their life, job or in their family
and as I see is another good reason for somebody to become violent and to injure other
fans. In our society there are much many problems who can lead young people to do
disaster things and to have destroy behavior to other people.

People who does not take loving care during their childhood and also people who has
many problems with their jobs or economical problems many times, and others who
are disappointed with their life, are these who are prone to violent. Except for fans who
became violent because for the huge love for the stars and teams who love.
Analysis of Essay 1
Content and Development: Adequately develops an argument by mentioning
the problem of violence and offering two reasons for it and attempts to offer some
supporting detail to illustrate his/her opinion. This attempt falls short at times, however.
In the concluding paragraph, the student reiterates the main points discussed in his/her
essay and summarizes the reasons that may cause people to become violent.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas are clearly and adequately organized. In
the introductory paragraph the student reiterates the topic and explains one of the reasons
that s/he probably thinks of as the most important in the thesis statement. In the main body
paragraph, the student states the two reasons that may lead people to violent behavior
while attending entertaining events and attempts to explain those ideas further by adding
some supporting detail. However, this essay would have been better if the student had
organized those two ideas in two different paragraphs and if examples had been added to
illustrate his/her point of view. Overall, this essay is relatively easy to follow.

Linguistic Range and Control: The student consistently attempts writing complex
sentences (all the sentences contain at least an independent and subordinate clause).
The grammatical mistakes in this essay - active voice used instead of passive, subject
verb agreement, who instead of which, wrong word form: noun instead of adjective
and some syntax problems - do not impede the reader’s comprehension. The range of
vocabulary is sufficient and control over vocabulary seems to be sufficient as well. The
student tries to avoid repeating the same words (strange behavior for violence, loving and
care for support and warm feelings, huge love for fans for fanatic, prone to…, lead to…).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
prompt asks for an answer to the question, ‘Why do some audiences become violent?”
The student answers that question and attempts to provide some supporting detail to
further explain why some audiences may become violent.

This essay is clearly a Pass, adequately meeting the criteria for all descriptors.

Essay 2
Violence has always been an issue in the life of human being. It is very difficult to
explain at last why people become violent. But we can notice what if too many people
are concentrated in sports events or in musical performances, the probability of a fight
breaking out is bigger.

Many psychoanalysts suggest that violence is a problem of culture because the people
living in the civilization must suppress their destructive urges. But all the controlled
thinks come back if they find space to explode.

Sure this thesis is not real for all the people. There are many people who can suppress
their instincts and they behave very well. But often there are other people who do not
have a very good education and this is maybe the reason for their not human behavior.
I think that in order to reduce or prevent the violence it is necessary to have good
education and other possibilities to express yourself freely.
Analysis of Essay 2
Content and Development: Adequately develops an argument by mentioning the
problem of violence and offering a reason for it. The student even attempts to offer some
supporting detail to illustrate his opinion. The concluding paragraph is rather weak, as
the student does not summarize the main points discussed in his essay. Instead, he
introduces a new idea and tries to suggest a possible solution to the problem.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas are clearly and adequately organized.
In the introductory paragraph, the student reiterates the topic without relying heavily
on the prompt for linguistic input. In his main body paragraphs, the student states the
reasons that may lead people to violent behavior while attending entertaining events
and attempts to explain his ideas further by adding some supporting detail. Overall, this
essay is relatively easy to follow.

Linguistic Range and Control: The student consistently attempts to write complex
sentences (most of his sentences contain at least an independent and subordinate
clause). The grammatical mistakes in this essay are not very frequent and do not
impede the reader’s comprehension. The range of vocabulary is sufficient because
the student tries to avoid repeating the same words, and at times even uses more
advanced vocabulary (suppress their destructive urges… instincts, issue). However,
control over vocabulary is not consistent throughout the essay (Use of thesis and
concentrated is not appropriate).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
prompt asks for an answer to the question, ‘Why do some audiences become violent?”
The student answers that question and attempts to provide some supporting detail to
further explain why some audiences may become violent.

This essay is clearly a Pass, adequately meeting the criteria for all descriptors.

Essay 3
In recent time many entertainment events have audiences young people. Recently in
musical events the young people behave with a violent way.

Many reasons can be the cause. One of them is the energie, the extreme behavior of
the age. Some times the cause is the drugs or ekstasi pills, etc. Some times it is the
emphasis to be presented in a very expensive event without paying. The result is the
police arrives and it tries getting peace. The appearance of “the law” usually has the
opposite result. Many of them are proponent the indivutual freedom and they want to be
the generous.

The main reason for this is the way the society devellopes and creates people, The strict
structure of the family and the school, the dissonant synthesis of the society etc.

To radiate joy all these events there must be first of all a different mentality of the
government, of the society. The police has to found the way to increase its presence
there and a lot of many other things.
Analysis of Essay 3
Content and Development: Develops an argument by mentioning the problem of
violence but does not provide supporting detail to illustrate his point further. Therefore,
his ideas remain quite ambiguous and incomprehensible at times. The student even
goes beyond and tries to suggest some solutions but he does so quite ineffectively in
the concluding paragraph.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Simple, basic organization of ideas. His

introductory paragraph is rather weak as he only alludes to the topic but he fails to
include his thesis statement in it. In his main body paragraph, the student states
reasons that may lead people to violent behavior while attending entertaining events
and attempts to explain his ideas further by adding some supporting detail. However,
his attempt falls short at times as his ideas are not always clearly connected and do not
follow a logical progression through the paragraphs (He begins the third paragraph
with the sentence The main reason for this is the.... However, it is not clear what this
refers to, making it difficult for the reader to understand the intended meaning. Overall,
this essay is not easy to follow.

Linguistic Range and Control: The student attempts only a limited range of structures
and they are not error free. Syntax at some points impedes the reader’s comprehension
(Many of them are proponent the indivutual freedom and they want to be the generous).
The range of vocabulary seems to be sufficient but control over vocabulary seems to be
insufficient at times (the way radiant joy is used in this sentence is inappropriate).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
prompt asks for an answer to the question, ‘Why do some audiences become violent?”
The student answers that question.

This essay is clearly a Fail, falling short in all categories except Communicative Effect.
Letter 1

Dear Editor,

Football is the most famous sport in the world. Millions of people attend with fanatism
every athletic team and often travel abroad to escort their favourite team in a match with
another.

It seems like a small, easy revolution. Tickets are sold very quick sometimes in a few
hours and some other are sold very expensive in a mythic price in the black forum.

The spectators seem to be soldiers, prepared for the war. They desire to conquest,
to win to see their flat with their favorite colour to move in the sky or on the windows
of a bus. The spectators creates a traffic and drive their cars very slowly to the central
squares of the town. If they feel that they lost the result, try to do any damage. They
spolt bottles of colour to the walls of some blocks of flats which are wetpainted and the
worst broke with stones the glasses of many cars which were parked to the road.

Furthermore, many people injured because they began to hit each other with violence
and screaming like woulfs. They put many fires in the middle of the roads and many
was obliged to stop everywhere the drivers could, because they were in a danger.

I tried to call the police in order to prevent the violence and protect the innocent people.
They promised that they would come as soon as possible they had to because there
were to brave many serious facts in the town because of the result of the game.

Late in the night I watched at T.V. news that police got many of them to the court with
heavy punishments of the law. Some other stayed at prison about a month but the most
of them were free to back to their favorite habits.

It’s very easy for everyone to guess that agreessive is one of the basic elements of
human life. The football is a very serious cause to create to the people the ancient need
to fight each other. The civilization demands orders and rules but there are ways for
people to express the angry side of the human nature.

Yours sincerely,
Marios Stephanopoulos
Analysis of Letter 1
Content and Development: Adequately develops an argument by mentioning the
problem of violence and describing examples of violence the student has seen and by
explaining what the police did or did not do to solve the problem. He does not rely on
the prompt to provide examples and to explain his point of view. He brings his letter to
a closure by accepting that violence is part of human nature and that civilization along
with rules and orders can save humans from this ancient need to fight.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas are clearly and adequately organized.
In the introductory paragraph, the student alludes to the problem of violence at sporting
events by choosing a word that denotes strong emotions (fanatism). In his main body
paragraphs, the student further explains the reasons that may lead sport spectators
to violent behavior and uses words such as soldiers and crying wolfs to describe
spectators better. Overall, this letter is relatively easy to follow.

Linguistic Range and Control: The student attempts to write complex sentences that
contain at least an independent and subordinate clause and a conditional structure.
The grammatical mistakes in this letter - wrong word form, subject verb agreement,
tense aspect and some syntax problems- overall do not impede the reader’s
comprehension. The range of vocabulary is sufficient but control over vocabulary
seems to be inadequate at times. The student tries to avoid repeating the same words,
but quite often uses a wrong word (flat instead of flag, spolt instead of spray).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
prompt asks the student to provide examples of violence he has seen or heard about
and explain what actions the authorities could take to prevent future violence. The
student provides examples and tries to explain why spectators can become violent
using quite descriptive language. This letter could have been better, however, if the
student had suggested solutions to the problem of violence in a more direct way.

This letter is clearly a Pass, adequately meeting the criteria for most descriptors but
Linguistic Range and Control as at times the reader may feel a bit uncertain about the
intended meaning.
Letter 2

Dear Editor,

In our days, it’s usually fact the violence in games par examble in football, in basketball,
etc. Many people go to the stadiums for break out.

This people are fans who screams about the result of game, speak with bad words for
players, hit fans who support the other team. In the stadium you can see people who
change completely. The worst is the children of this man who grow up idiots they like
that this situation continue.

For examples, I listen a story for my brother who go to the game and a feel very bad for
my country. In this game a father with his sun swear very very bad a player of the other
team and a fan of the other team tell his “After the game I want see you out of stadium.”
And after the game they hit each other and the little boy see this part and no one stop
the guys.

I think it is shame and I must stop this situation in the game. The police must careful and
the parents from their children that this violence can’t the solution.

Sincerely yours,
Vassili

Analysis of Letter 2
Content and Development: Inadequate development of argument: the student only
partially answers the task because he only provides some examples of violence. Only
in the concluding paragraph does the student try to suggest a solution that is rather
simplistic and ambiguous. What does he mean when he says The police must careful
and the parents from their children that this violence can’t the solution? The police
should actually do something or be careful, as they sometimes become victims of such
violent behavior? What exactly does he mean by the parents from their children?

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Organization of ideas is adequate although

simple connectors are used (and). Ideas however flow and there is a thread running
through this letter.

Linguistic Range and Control: This is a case where linguistic range is limited (uses
game seven times, bad three times etc.). The grammatical mistakes in this letter are
very frequent and basic and impede communication at times (The worst is the children
of this man who grow up idiots they like that this situation continue).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
reader can follow the student’s arguments overall, though one might have to infer
intended meaning at times.

This letter is clearly a Fail, falling short in all categories except Communicative Effect.
Letter 3

Dear Editor,

Many times this year I’ve heard and I’ve seen on TV, about violence in football games.

For example, last week I saw on TV a young people who was bad injured after a football
game. Some fan when the game finished fight the man who was enjoyed because his
team won the game.

I think that must stop. I think that the government must take a lot of mesures for
stopping the violence at a sporting event. Maybe, a lot of policemen must be in the
stadium for taking care.

But the most important thing is the children in the schools must learn that the violence
isn’t good and all of us have the right to be enjoyed or worried with our team situation,
either win or losse.

Sincerely yours,
Paulina

Analysis of Letter 3
Content and Development: Inadequate development of argument: the student
partly answers the task as he only provides a sketchy description of some examples
of violence. His concluding paragraph is rather weak and incorrectly includes a new
solution to the problem there.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Simple, basic organization of ideas. Simple

connectors (but, for example) are inappropriately used and paragraphs are not always
clearly connected.

Linguistic Range and Control: This is a case where linguistic range is limited. The
vocabulary used and the grammatical mistakes in this letter are so frequent and basic
that they either impede communication or render a sentence meaningless at times
(Some fan when the game finished fight the man who was enjoyed because his team
won the game).

Communicative Effect: The reader can follow the student’s arguments overall, though
one might have to infer intended meaning at times and the lack of supporting detail
leaves a lot to the reader’s imagination.

This letter is clearly a Fail, falling short in all categories except Communicative Effect.
 SIX PRACTICE ESSAYS
The four essays and two letters that follow offer you the opportunity to apply what you
have learned in this book. Having looked at and analyzed several samples of writing
as well as having studied the benchmarked letters and essays, you should now be
thoroughly familiar with the Scoring Criteria for ECCE Writing Section. Take what you
have learned and apply it to the following writing samples. After you have finished, there
is a key with an analysis of each one in Appendix D at the back of this book.

The first four essays use the following stimulus and prompt:

THE CITY TIMES

TROUBLE AGAIN AT THE STADIUM

Police were called to Victory Stadium last night when a fight broke out during the game
between a player and a fan. Other players and fans got involved, and at least 30 people
were injured. This is the third time this month that there has been violence at a sporting
event. The National Sports Association is considering a number of new measures to
reduce violence at the games.

This writing prompt and task have been taken from the University of Michigan May-June 2007 ECCE past examination.

Task 1: Letter
Violence at sporting events is often caused by the spectators who are there. Write a
letter to the editor giving examples of violence you have seen or heard about at sporting
events and explain what actions the authorities could take to prevent future violence.
Start your letter, “Dear Editor.”

Task 2: Essay
Many types of entertainment events have large audiences—for example, theater
productions, musical performances, and sports events. Usually the audiences are
well behaved, but sometimes they become violent. Why do some audiences become
violent? Explain, giving specific details to support your view.

Essay 1
Nowadays we are listening more and more people getting involved in fights at
the studiums. Usually violence take part more at sports events than other events.
Unfortunately this is a phenomenon of this decade I could say. Younger than older
people usually participate to fights. This is sad because give a wrong image of the
young people.

My opinion is that violence exist not only because of the unemployment but also
because we don’t have the right education at schools and especially in the family.
Teacher and parents should give more intention to children and learn them to have a
good behavour.
From the other hand goverment should take action to reduce this problem putting
cameras at the stadiums for example.

To sum up violence at the sports events is a big problem not only in my country but all
over the world but we can change that if we change ourselves and our children.

Essay 2
Nowadays, there are large audiences in the entertainment events like theater
productions, musical performances and specifically in sports events. However,
sometimes the audiences become violent in case that the spectators cause problems
at that events.

To start with the case that a number of spectators disagree with the changing of players
at a sporting event. Sometimes during the game the fans go into stadium and fight with
the football players and coach.

In the theater productions there are problems when the spectators don’t like the actors
or the way they act. In this case the spectators are screaming or throw things. As a
result, the audiences take them away by force.

To sum up, the audiences become violent in the cases that problems with the
spectators are big.

Essay 3
Nowadays, violence is phenomenon that we often meet in our society and it increases
dramatically. It is a basic problem that exists mainly at sports events such as football
games. But what are the reasons that lead in violence?

At my personal opinion, the main reason is the difficulties that faces people today such
as economic problems or social problems our life, especially in big cities because
day by day wilder and people are looking for a way to show their anger and their
unsatisfaction. For example, in Greece very often we watch on TV violent facts during a
football match. I believe that people with low educational level is easier to use violence.

Furthermore, another basic reason that leads in violence is that the audience of a
specific entertainment event is not happy with what it see. So the actors of a theater
show or the players of a football game must be carefull to make happy their fans.

In conclusion, I would say that there is a strong link between the spectators and those
who are starring a sport event and both of them must be carefull not to broke it.

Essay 4
Theater productions, musical performances and sports events are the usual types of
entertainment that many people choose to spend their time. The feeling in each type of
these entertainment events is totally different. That means that every person expresses
in his own way his opinion about what he sees. According to that, sometimes they
appear a violent behavior which doesn’t fit with the specific atmosphere of the event.
We have many examples of violence that show what fanatic audiences can do. Some of
these examples are ordinary, like drawing graffiti or throwing paint on the walls. But we
have many other examples of fighting in the streets or car breaking, even killings that
should make all of us think about the future of our society.

There is an opinion that this violence is the main product of our society. The rhythms
of our live is very fast and all we care about is the materials so we forgot the quality of
our time. As a result we are very supprest and we don’t express our real feelings. And
this is the reason why many people become violent. They want to express their anger,
their opinion about life, about how things should be. Sometimes they just identify with
the hero of a play or a musical, but usually the fans of a team or the audiences in sports
events get involved in violent situations. It is sure that the authorities should reconsider
the actions with which they will prevent future violence and the society should care
about offering a life quality.

The last two essays use the following stimulus and prompt:

NO GIFTS FOR TEACHERS

Recently, a teacher at Elementary School 14 received an expensive present from one of

her students: two airplane tickets to Kenya. In reaction, the school officials announced
that they will no longer allow teachers to accept any gifts from students. Some parents
and teachers oppose the new policy and are planning a public meeting to discuss it.
The City Times wants to know how its readers feel about this issue.

This writing prompt and task have been taken from the November-December 2006 University of Michigan ECCE past examination.

Task 1: Letter
Do you support the new policy at City Elementary School? Write a letter to the editor
explaining your view. Give specific examples of how this policy could be beneficial or
harmful. Start your letter, “Dear Editor.”

Task 2: Essay
In many places, it is common for students to give their teachers gifts. Should this be
allowed? How might it affect students, teachers, and parents? Discuss this issue using
specific examples to illustrate and to support your view.
Essay 5
FLOWERS FOR TEACHERS

In my country, it is common for students to give their teachers gifts. Giving gifts to
somebody around us is very important and wonderful. These are very close person
for us. For example, friends, relatives and our teachers. We must be very careful about
choosing the gifts. The teachers are very important for students. It is good behaviour
remembering them at their special days, like birthday, wedding day…

Firstly, all gifts are for remembering. Expensive present is not suitable for teachers.
Flowers are very beautiful gifts for teachers. All parents can teach their children which
kind of gifts are suitable for teachers.

Secondly, kinds of gifts are important. I believe that books and flowers are good
presents. Giving and taking gifts gives everybody good feelings. If we remember our
teachers in their special days with a gift, they feel themselves very good.

In conclusion, teachers, students and parents must be agree about this kind of gifts.

Essay 6
Giving gifts to teachers is the easy way that the parents and the students found to pass
the exams. This way is not good for both kids and teachers.

The way of giving gifts to the teachers is bad for the students because they know they
will pass and they are not studying. That means that when the time comes they will have
in their hand a license that will mean nothing. Since they wont know anything.

This way may not affect the teachers since the will get their standar payment plus the
gifts that could be money, airplane tickets or some other expensive stuffs. But the
truth is that if the police learn what is going on the teacher is going to lose his job and
probably will have to pay the parents and the school back. Since he was not doing his
job well.

Giving gifts is the easy solution for the students to pass the exams. This is not good for
both students and teachers since students are not going to learn anything and teachers
may loose their jobs. The best way to solve this problem is that both students and
teachers wont give or accept any gift.
 APPENDIX A
SCORING CRITERIA FOR ECCE WRITING SECTION

SCORING CRITERIA FOR ECCE WRITING SECTION

CONTENT ANd ORGANIzATION ANd lINGuISTIC RANGE COmmuNICATIvE

dEvElOpmENT CONNECTION OF IdEAS ANd CONTROl EFFECT
• Relevance of content to • Arrangement of content • Variety and precision of • How well communicative
task • How language is used to grammar and vocabulary goals are achieved
• Quality of ideas used to link ideas
develop the response
Richly develops an Smooth, effective Broad range of grammar Appropriate register,
argument with original arrangement and and vocabulary used awareness of audience, and
ExCEEdS STANdARd

A supporting details. connection of ideas. A accurately. If any errors are establishment of context
variety of cohesive devices present they are minor and fully enhance the intended
are used effectively. insignificant. effect on the reader.

Fully develops an argument Appropriate and clear Good range of grammar and Appropriate register,
with appropriate supporting organization and connection vocabulary; mostly accurate awareness of audience, and
B details. of ideas. Transition markers with only occasional errors. establishment of context
used appropriately and not help the reader to follow the
mechanically. text.

Adequately develops an Ideas clearly and Sufficient range of grammar Adequate sense of audience
argument. May rely on adequately organized. and vocabulary to fulfill the and purpose for writing
STANdARd

prompt for content. Standard connectors used task. Errors in grammar generally allow the reader to
C appropriately but somewhat and vocabulary do not follow the text.
mechanically. interfere with reader’s
comprehension.

Inadequate development of Simple, basic organization A range of structures may Some misunderstanding
argument. Content may be of ideas. Although standard be attempted, but grammar of audience and purpose
limited or primarily based on connectors may be present, and vocabulary errors are and inappropriate register
BElOW STANdARd

d prompt. Some content may ideas themselves are not frequent and interfere with may have a negative effect
be irrelevant to the topic. always connected. reader’s comprehension. and hinder the reader’s
comprehension of the text.

Little or no development Minimal or no organization. Grammar and vocabulary Lacks audience awareness
of argument. Content is Connectors may be errors predominate and and purpose for writing.
irrelevant or taken directly inappropriately used. cause significant confusion.
E from the prompt. Connection may not be
apparent.

(Retrieved from http://www.lsa.umich.edu/UMICH/eli/)

APPENDIX B
STIMULUS AND PROMPT FOR TOPIC about VIOLENCE

THE CITY TIMES

TROUBLE AGAIN AT THE STADIUM

Police were called to Victory Stadium last night when a fight broke out during the
game between a player and a fan. Other players and fans got involved, and at least
30 people were injured. This is the third time this month that there has been violence
at a sporting event. The National Sports Association is considering a number of new
measures to reduce violence at the games.

This writing prompt and task have been taken from the University of Michigan May-June 2007 ECCE past examination.

Task 1: Letter
Violence at sporting events is often caused by the spectators who are there. Write a
letter to the editor giving examples of violence you have seen or heard about at sporting
events and explain what actions the authorities could take to prevent future violence.
Start your letter, “Dear Editor.”

Task 2: Essay
Many types of entertainment events have large audiences—for example, theater
productions, musical performances, and sports events. Usually the audiences are
well behaved, but sometimes they become violent. Why do some audiences become
violent? Explain, giving specific details to support your view.

STIMULUS AND PROMPT FOR TOPIC ABOUT GIFTS FOR TEACHERS

NO GIFTS FOR TEACHERS

Recently, a teacher at Elementary School 14 received an expensive present from one of
her students: two airplane tickets to Kenya. In reaction, the school officials announced
that they will no longer allow teachers to accept any gifts from students. Some parents
and teachers oppose the new policy and are planning a public meeting to discuss it.
The City Times wants to know how its readers feel about this issue.

This writing prompt and task have been taken from the University of Michigan November-December 2006 ECCE past examination.

Task 1: Letter
Do you support the new policy at City Elementary School? Write a letter to the editor
explaining your view. Give specific examples of how this policy could be beneficial or
harmful. Start your letter, “Dear Editor.”

Task 1: Essay
In many places, it is common for students to give their teachers gifts. Should this be
allowed? How might it affect students, teachers, and parents? Discuss this issue using
specific examples to illustrate and to support your view.
 Comment [45]:
This introductory paragraph APPENDIX C
provides the reason behind
the essay: media reports of
violence where there are large KEY
audiences. It also mentions
what the reader should expect:
several reasons to explain this
violent behavior. Analysis of Content and Development
Comment [46]: The media is report more incidence of violence where there are large audiences, like
The original essay refers to
‘a small number of fans’ and
football matches, concerts, plays. The public wonder why, so this essay gives several
asks ‘I wonder who they are?’. reasons to explain it.
The information in this version
is more specific about who
these people are.
Few groups with fans who have prepared to involved in troubles become violent.
Comment [47]:
More detail has been given
They are mostly young people who wants to give vent to their energy with that
here: an example of a violent negative way. For example, the violence at recent match between Olympiakos and
incident that really occurred
and an explanation why. Panathenaikos involve mostly young men. Most are school leavers who cannot find
work and sit home to feel bored. They haven’t way to show their frustration and so one
Comment [48]:
A second example, this bad referee decision become an excuse to vent their energy.
time from a concert. A brief
mention of the incident and an
explanation for the violence
provide a nice contrast to the The violence is not only at football matches and not only from young men. At the Jay
Olympiakos/Panathenaikos Lo concert, people were angry that they paid much money for tickets and she only
incident.
sung for fifty minute. They didn’t think that they got what they paid, so they start to
Comment [49]:
This conclusion refers to both throw things to the stage.
the football match and the Jay
Lo concert. The last sentence
offers a personal commentary These examples show that people have to be treated fair, in the case of young men, to
on how to prevent future
violence. be given jobs to earn a living and in case of angry Jay Lo fans, to get what they paid. If
Comment [50]:
people treated fair, then they don’t react with many violences at public events.
This essay states the purpose
of writing: looking at the prob-
lem of violent audiences and Analysis of Organization and Connection of Ideas
trying to find a solution. The
writer then directs the reader There are a lot of times that audiences become violent, especially at sports events as
to what is coming next: two
reasons for violence: drugs/
football and concerts in big opened places. This is a problem that we have to look at
alcohol and obsessive fans. to find a solution. In my opinion, the two main reasons for the violence are drugs and
Comment [51]: alcohol, and obsessive fans.
The writer explains what this
obscure phrase means.
There is the problem with drugs and alcohol that makes more complicated the
Comment [52]:
By stating that what’s coming behavior of a fan who thinks that the team disappointed him. What do I mean by
next is an example of things
that fans do not normally ‘complicated behavior of fans’? I mean that drugs and alcohol prevent them from think
do, the writer is orienting the
reader to what follows.
carefully about everything they do. These things make them to do things they do not
usually do. For example, maybe the fans throw things like food or stones, or perhaps
Comment [53]:
By adding this phrase the they try to move to where the players are. Even if the reason for a violent situation is
writer distinguishes between
the majority and those drug without meaning to most of us, a drug addict or drunk can do a murder for a seat or
addicts or drunks who act
violently.
something totally useless.
Comment [54]:
This is a transitional sentence. There are reasons for violence other than drugs and alcohol. Some people are
It says, “I am now moving from
violence caused by drugs and obsessed with their team and follow them everywhere. They are aggressive with the
alcohol to another cause.”
players to the other team. Many times they use violence, injuring other people.
Comment [55]:
The essay restates, in a
succinct way, what the writer In my opinion, drugs and alcohol, as well as obsessive fans, are the reasons for
believes to be the two main
causes of violence at enter-
violence at football games. If these things are controled, the level of violence will be
tainment events. less.
Analysis of Grammatical Control
Letter 1

The underlined sections indicate what has been corrected. Note how comprehensibility
is significantly improved as a result.

Dear Editor,

I read your article about violence in your magazine, and I am writing to tell you my
opinions about it.

First of all, a lot of times I see many different violent happenings at the stadiums (1). Last
week two of the most succeed teams in Greece Panathinaikos and Olympiakos played
a game. In middle of game two fans were starting to fight while the players playing. Little
minutes later all the stadium was involved. The disaster was enormous and some fans
were (2) injured very serious.

Secondly, it is very important the government to take (3) some measures to stop these
actions. The good behavior is a kind of civilization. A well-behaved person is welcome
in all the places. So, the government must make new laws to stop (4, 5) all those bad
behaviors. The people who make vulgarities must be (6, 7) sent to the prison and all the
fans must be controlled by a closed circuit television (8).

To conclude, the society is everyone of us. We are the society (9), so we must do
something quickly to stop the violence in all the places.

Sincerely,
Alexander Vasiliou

Comments:
1. inappropriate noun modified with an inappropriate and incorrectly formed modifier
(adjective) has been replaced appropriately
2. correct verb construction (passive) created by inserting the correct form of verb “to
be” now makes recipients (i.e., victims) of action clear
3. word order has been corrected so that subject and predicate are now clearly known
4/5. noun phrase is now properly constructed with appropriate and correctly formed
verbs
6/7. inappropriate expression has been replaced by appropriate one with correctly
formed passive structure
8. technical terminology is corrected and completed with insertion of appropriate noun
word order has been corrected
 Comment [56]: Letter 2
Numerous, though minor,
grammatical errors in this
sentence do not seriously
affect reader comprehension.
Dear editor,

Comment [57]: I am writing this letter about your editorial in the newspaper.
Significant errors here
that do adversely affect
comprehension.
Once more time I heard a news that some “spectators” which they have been waching
Comment [58]: a local game got angry and tried to act as the ancient Neardendal during the hunting.
The seriousness of both the
grammar and mechanical I supose that 30 casual victims are equal with 15 days of war at Iraq field. The news
(spelling) errors here severely
affects comprehension. In fact,
that I heard before was that two Greek teams Panathinaikos and Olympiakos played
the meaning is entirely lost. a game. Two fans were starting to fight and all the stadium was involved. Some fans
were injured very serious.
Comment [59]:
Here, the severity of the
grammar error is compounded
by the fact that the thought I thing that it is time the National Sport Association to take measures against the
is incomplete which severely
affects comprehension. “spectators” who brake the law and also trice hardered to the players which they
involved at violence event.
Comment [60]:
Structural errors here are
not as severe as in the We, as a community, suggest a number of hard measures which is the following.
previous sentences, but, still
significant enough, especially a. In case that a player or a fan involv in a violence event inside or outside (near) at a
in establishing proper
reference, to adversely affect
place of game event those people whill be …. Permanent.
comprehension. b. The NSA must order the teams to develop catalogs in which they will write all the
Comment [61]:
fans whith all the personal facts (names, adres etc.)
Grammatical errors here c. The NSA must take measures to avoid the mix of the opposition fans during the
(improper word forms – noun
form used in place of the game.
predicate form) can affect
comprehension.
Finally is strong recommend to the police to do all the things I wrote above and to
Comment [62]:
Use of incorrect preposition focus as the prevention of violence events.
really does adversely affect
comprehension.
Sincerely,
Maria Apostolou
Analysis of Grammatical Range

Dear Editor,
Comment [63]:
The addition of the preposition
and the use of the passive
I read the article in yours newspaper about violence and I want to give my opinion. form clarify the meaning.

A few days ago I was in a football stadium in which the match was stopped because Comment [64]:
Adding ‘can be played by’
broke out violent events between fans. Some people are obsessed with football and clarifies the meaning.
many times behave wild and violent when their team loses.
Comment [65]:
An important role in stopping the violence can be played by the government and the Here only the form of the
passive has been corrected.
presidents of the sport clubs. One solution is to illegal the fans clubs of the team that It would be even better if
usually starts the fight during sports events. Another solution is for the policemen to standard word order were
used, that is, ‘…cameras must
search the fans, who sometimes have baseball bats and knives! Additionally in the be used in the stadium….’

stadium cameras must be used which can see who is involved in a fight. Especially the
stadium can be protected by police or securities. Finally a good solution is to write on Comment [66]:
‘Afraid’ changed to ‘be afraid’.
the ticket the surname and first name of the owner so that the fans can be afraid of
being caught by the police.
Comment [67]:
Corrected by using the passive
form of the gerund.
All these suggestions can prevent future violence. In the future I hope trouble will not
exist in the stadium. As a result, families and children can watch matches without being
afraid. Comment [68]:
Corrected by using the gerund
form of B E.

Yours sincerely,
Lina Kosmas
 Analysis of Vocabulary Range and Control

Comment [69]: Letter

Note how three instances of
‘football’ have been eliminated.
Dear Editor,
Comment [70]:
Since ‘hooligans’ tend to
be associated with fanatic I would like to write you about the violence at sporting events in Greece especially in
behavior, ‘fanatic’ has been
eliminated. football games. In Greece I have seen the really violence many times before, during
Comment [71]:
and after the matches on the roads. The hooligans usually use the vulgar language and
‘club’ in this context implies they some times throw stones or wood pieces to the players or to the other club fans.
‘football club’.
This create danger to the normal fans. Families stop to go to the stadiums long time
Comment [72]: ago. I usually go to the stadium to see my favourite team Panathinakes and always
Replaces ‘football club’
choose ticket in the gates farway of the overenthusiastic people. I avoid to go to the
Comment [73]: stadium when my favourite team plays with a rival team.
Capitalized.

Comment [74]:
In Greece during weekends usually we heard bad news like your article.
Replaces ‘fanatic fans’

In the last years Greek government tried to take measures for eliminate the violence
Comment [75]:
Clarifies what the writer prob- in the stadiums. One of them is to avoid to give tickets to the guest team fans. This
ably meant by ‘derby’.
measure is not good for the guest team players because they don’t have the support
from the crowd in the stadium. I believe that the problem is different. The rest of these
fans are with out academic education, with poor backround knowledges and bad
Comment [76]: family environment.
Eliminating the possessive
adjective does not affect the
meaning in any significant way.
Best regards

Comment [77]: Essay

No longer copied directly from
the prompt. Types of entermaint events with large audience are very easy to start a fight —for
example theater productions, concerts, and football matches.
Comment [78]:
Use of a synonym for ‘big’
reduces repetitivenessreduces This happens because many people with other way of thinking and different education
repetitiveness.
combine each other. It is a very big problem when a fight starts within a large number
Comment [79]: of public because it can spread like wildfire. I believe the different way of thinking like
Correct use of idiom. a serious reason because the behavior problems start from an early age where family
Comment [80]:
is the source where people learn values for life. So if they didn’t learn to respect the
An improvement of ‘good others belongings they will do it when they grow up.
behavior’.

This kind of things happen in the stadium where some people broke the chair and they
throw them in play’s flield. One way that can stop this behavior is a better educational
system and family values. Also the stadiums must build dettes so people are better
Comment [81]:
More appropriate than ‘better organized and the police can rush their movment’s better.
school’.

Comment [82]: We all condem this things that happen in the stadiums and concert halls and theaters.
More precise than ‘places
where many people meet’.
Analysis of Communicative Effect

Dear Editor Comment [83]:

This first paragraph sets the
writing in a context. The reader
now knows why the individual
I read in your newspaper about the fight at Victory Stadium last night. It is not unusual. is writing and to whom.
I have seen it many times and I want to say ways to stop it.

Violence at sporting events is very often situation. The most common sport that the
spectatos use violence is football. I think this happend because football is the most
popular and famous sport in the world. There are a lot of violence examples that I have
heard and seen but one is the most violence. I remember when I was going to football
stadium, I saw hooligans from two opposites teams fighting in front of stadium. They
were fighting for almost ten minutes without anyone do something, no police were
there. After when I get home I heard from the TV that was one dead person and eleven
injuted. This new make me sad.

As a result of this I’m writing you some actions that the authorities could take to
prevent future violence. The first thing is to use new technology to spy the stadium Comment [84]:
and the places near there. With this they can stop any violence immidiadly without late. ‘You’ has been changed to ‘the
authorities’. This is who the
New technology as cameras. One very important is to identify the hooligans and keep writer should address his/her
suggestions to, not the editor.
them out of stadium. That was my first actions that comming, in my mind.
Comment [85]:
These two sentences
Technology can stop the violence at sporting events. I hope the authorities will do reinforce the reason for writing
and strengthen the writer’s
something. message.

Sincerely yours,
Kostas
 Analysis of Interconnection between Descriptors

Dear editor

Comment [86]:
The ‘something like that’
In todays world violence is around us very often. At the end or during a sporting event
at the end of the preced- many times we have seen something like that. For example, I recently was at a football
ing sentence is made more
concrete through a specific match. The home team fans saw their team was losing. Some of them started throwing
example from the writer’s own
experience. This gives more bottles and food onto the field. Some of them tried going onto the field. Things became
credibility to the statement:
‘…many times we have seen
violent.
something like that’.

Authorities can take action to prevent Future violence by educating people and
provide the benefits of racing. They can teach children in school how to behave at a
match. Also they should start meeting at schools or workplaces and using the media
Comment [87]:
Adding this content enhances
to advertise the dangers of violence at football matches. In addition it’s not good to
communicative effect because use volence to stop Fights but action before these happens.
the reader understands what
the writer means by ‘educating
people’.
There are some measures that the authorities can take to reduce violence but there
Comment [88]: are a lot others. Thank you for spending you time to reading my letter.
This addition explains how to
use the media, thus enhancing
the writer’s suggestion
and improving the overall Sincerely,
communicative effect.
Stavroula

The lack of specificity in the original letter affects Content and Development, but as
we have seen, it also downgrades the quality of the writing in terms of Communicative
Effect. What this means in practice is that a piece of writing has to be looked at
holistically in order to effectively assess whether it is a Pass or Fail. What it also means
is that the descriptor of Communicative Effect, the most global of all the criteria,
should probably be considered first. That is, read the essay or letter to get an overall
impression of its quality, and then look at the other descriptors to analyze what it is
about the writing that leaves the reader with that general impression.
Appendix D
SIX PRACTICE ESSAYS

Analysis of Essay 1
Content and Development: Adequately develops an argument by mentioning the
problem of violence and offering two reasons for it, as well as two possible solutions.
The conclusion, however, is weak because it seems as though the student has been
talking about violence not only in Greece, but all over the world as well, which is not the
case. The student also mentions the idea that we can change ourselves for the first time
in the conclusion.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas are clearly and adequately organized.
There is an introduction of the problem, two reasons given for it, what teachers and
parents should do, what the government should do, and a conclusion. The student
uses from the other hand instead of on the other hand and could have made the
connection of ideas here stronger by adding, On the other hand, teachers and parents
should not be the only ones to have to reduce the violence. The government should also
take action…, but overall the essay is relatively easy to follow.

Linguistic Range and Control: Sufficient range of grammar (two not only…but also…
structures; should give and should take action). The range of vocabulary is limited.
(right education instead of, for example, suitable or decent; good behavior could have
been behave appropriately; …but we can change that if we change ourselves… instead
of perhaps replacing the first change with correct or fix. Control over vocabulary is also
limited (listening instead of hearing about; take part instead of take place; participate to
instead of participate in; learn them instead of teach them; intention instead of attention)
and these mistakes tend to interfere with the reader’s comprehension more than the
grammar mistakes (violence take instead of violence takes; because give a wrong
image instead of because it gives a wrong image).

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
prompt asks for an answer to the question, ‘Why do some audiences become violent?”
The student answers that question in a basic way and goes further by offering possible
solutions.

This essay is clearly a Pass, adequately meeting all the criteria except Linguistic
Control.
Analysis of Essay 2
Content and Development: Inadequate development of argument (the first paragraph
is largely copied from the prompt; the conclusion lacks substance: audiences become
violent where there are big problems with the audience; the student does manage to
offer two reasons for violence at events with large audiences, though).

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Simple, basic organization of ideas (to start
with; as a result; to sum up); not all ideas are connected well. For example, the second
paragraph could be significantly improved by strengthening the connection between
the first and second sentence: …spectators disagree with the changing of players at
a sporting event. As a result of their unhappiness with the change, the fans go into
stadium and fight with the football players and coach. Connecting the third paragraph
with the second by adding a phrase such as This violence that takes place during
football matches also occurs at the theater would enhance the quality of this essay.

Linguistic Range and Control: This is a case where linguistic range is limited (uses
case four times; spectators and theater productions are taken from the prompt; two
adverb clauses, but little else that demonstrates a range of grammar) and, as a result,
accuracy is good. In fact, the mistakes that are there do not interfere with the reader’s
comprehension.

Communicative Effect: Adequate sense of audience and purpose for writing. The
reader can follow the student’s arguments fairly easily, though one might wonder if the
single reason given for violence in each case is too simplistic.

This essay is clearly a Fail, falling short in all categories except Linguistic Control and
Communicative Effect.
Analysis of Essay 3
Content and Development: The topic is developed. The student answers the question,
‘Why do some audiences become violent?’ by offering two reasons: economic/social
problems and dissatisfaction with the way the event is carried out. The student could
elaborate more, however, by giving examples of specific events where the audience
was not satisfied with the theater performance,

Organization and Connection of Ideas: The organization is adequate: the topic, the
question to be answered, two reasons for violence at sports events, and a conclusion. In
the sentence, Furthermore, another basic reason that leads in violence is that the audience
of a specific entertainment event is not satisfied with what it see, the transition marker
furthermore is not needed because another basic reason provides an effective connection
between the first of the student’s reasons and the second. A more serious problem
occurs with the following: …because day by day wilder and people are looking for a way to
show their anger and frustration. What does wilder mean here?

Linguistic Range and Control: Limited range of vocabulary and grammar: Student
does use adjective clauses (that we then meet, that exists), but vocabulary tends to
be limited (show anger instead of express anger; theater show instead of theatrical
production; make happy instead of satisfy). Dramatically, mainly, and strong link are
notable exceptions. Concerning Control, the following can be noted: there are frequent
grammar mistakes (tense: increases instead of has increased or has been increasing,
must be carefull not to broke it instead of break it; agreement: people is, what it see). There
are also frequent vocabulary mistakes: lead in instead of lead to; At my personal opinion
instead of In my opinion; unsatisfaction instead of dissatisfaction; violent facts instead of
violent events, starring a sport event instead of participating in). Several of these mistakes
affect comprehension (e.g., social problems our life and wilder and people).

Communicative Effect: In the first paragraph, the student establishes context by

indicating to the reader what the essay is about: it will answer the question, ‘What
are the reasons that lead to violence [at sports events]? That said, however, in the
remainder of the essay the student’s arguments are not clearly stated (particularly in the
second paragraph). The reader can generally follow the purpose of the writing, though
with some difficulty.

This essay is only adequate in terms of Organization and Connection of Ideas and
Communicative Effect. It fails in terms of the other criteria. It would likely receive
a marginal Pass because of the strength of the first paragraph and the effect that
paragraph has on the overall Communicative Effect.
Analysis of Essay 4
Content and Development: Adequate development of argument. The task asks for
reasons for the violence. The first two paragraphs are an excessively long introduction,
though the ideas are not off-topic. It is only in the third paragraph that the causes
of violence are specifically addressed, and then only one reason for the violence is
developed to any extent. The last sentence, which is meant to serve as a conclusion,
mention that the authorities should reconsider the actions with which they will prevent
future violence and the society should care about offering a life quality, but no mention
has been made previously of any actions the authorities have considered. Besides
that, this ‘conclusion’ does not summarize the student’s main point, except indirectly
by mentioning the life quality that society should offer in contrast to the fast-paced and
materialistic life it currently offers.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: The ideas in this essay are clearly and
adequately organized. There are numerous examples of lexical cohesion: each type
links this sentence to the usual types in the previous sentence; violence in one sentence
links to violent behavior in the subsequent one; We have many examples of violence
links to some of these examples in the next. Occasionally the cohesion is weak. When
the student writes, And this is the reason why many people become violent. They want
to express their anger, their opinion about life, about how things should be. Sometimes
they just identify with the hero of a play or a musical, but usually the fans of a team or the
audiences in sports events get involved in violent situations, the they who identify with
the hero is not an effective pronoun because it refers back to many people in general,
but here the student intends to compare people who attend plays or musicals with
those who attend sports events.

Linguistic Range and Control: Sufficient range of grammar and vocabulary to fulfill
the task. The student uses relative clauses (that should make all of us, with which…),
shows knowledge of when the relative pronoun that can be omitted (all we care about),
and demonstrates an understanding of rhetorical structure by mentioning three things
that many people express: their anger, their opinions about life, [their opinions] about
how they should be. Vocabulary range is good, too, with expresses…opinion, rhythms of
our…, suppressed, identify, get involved in and offering.

The few grammar mistakes do not impede comprehension, except perhaps in the
following: sometimes they appear a violent behavior which doesn’t fit with the specific
atmosphere of the event.

Communicative Effect: Some misunderstanding of audience and purpose. The

student takes two paragraphs to establish the context of violence and only gets around
to offering detailed reasons for it —what the task asks for— in the third paragraph. This
means that the reader goes on for too long without knowing the purpose of the essay,
thus weakening the effect the student’s ideas have on the reader. More content should
be developed around the reasons for the violence rather than providing background.
The register is appropriate for an essay of this type.
This essay is a Pass in terms of Organization and Connection of Ideas, as well as in
terms of Linguistic Range and Control. It is a borderline Pass in terms of Content and
Development, but a Fail in terms of Communicative Effect. It would likely receive an overall
Pass, despite the fact that the Communicative Effect does not come across well.

Analysis of Essay 5
Content and Development: Little or no development of argument. The prompt, How
might it affect students, teachers, and parents? is not answered. Instead, the essay
focuses on why students give gifts to teachers and what gifts are suitable.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Simple, basic organization of ideas. There

are some connectors (For example; Firstly; Secondly; In conclusion), but they tend not
to be used correctly. The student uses firstly and secondly to refer to the same issue:
kinds of gifts that are appropriate. The conclusion, that teachers, students and parents
must agree about gifts has not been discussed prior to this and therefore should not be
part of the conclusion.

Linguistic Range and Control: The range of grammar and vocabulary is barely
sufficient. While the student uses gerunds (Giving and taking gifts gives…) and an if-
clause (If we remember our teachers in their special days with a gift, they feel themselves
good), most of the sentences are simple sentences and most rely on a form of BE as
the verb. Moreover, good is used three times, as is gift (the word present could have
replaced it at least once). There are errors in grammar (These are very close persons for
us; expensive present is not suitable for teachers; they feel themselves very good; must be
agree), but these do not interfere with the reader’s comprehension.

Communicative Effect: This essay is supposed to be written for a newspaper, but the
student’s writing does not indicate this in any way. It would have helped if the student
had indicated the purpose for writing the essay in the first paragraph, connecting it to
what happened at Elementary School 14. As a result it lacks audience awareness and
purpose for writing.

This essay is clearly a Fail in all areas, though one might argue that it might receive a
Pass for Linguistic Range and Control.
Analysis of Essay 6
Content and Development: Adequately develops the argument. The student argues
that giving gifts to teachers should not be allowed, and mentions how it might affect
students and teachers, but does not discuss how it might affect parents.

Organization and Connection of Ideas: Ideas are clearly and adequately organized.
It is easy to follow the student’s train of thought: Giving gifts is not good. It is bad for
students. It is bad for teachers. Conclusion: It is bad for both. That said, though, there
are not many connectors, other than but and and.

Linguistic Range and Control: A range of structures has been attempted (a time
clause: when the time comes; causal clauses: because they know they will pass; since
students are not going to learn anything; one gerund: Giving gifts to teachers is…), but
problems with tense (…is the easy way that the parents and the students found to pass
the exams; they know they will pass and they are not studying) and sentence fragments
(Since they won’t know anything; And probably will have to pay; Since he was not doing
his job well) occur as a result. In general, though, comprehension is not adversely
affected. As for vocabulary, the range is limited (license, payment, pay back).

Communicative Effect: This essay lacks purpose for writing because the student
does not mention what prompted him/her to write in the first place. Overall, though the
arguments are adequately stated.

This essay would receive a Pass in all areas except Linguistic Range and Control. An
overall Pass, then.
ISBN: 978-960-8331-72-3

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