Everything You

Need to Know About

Getting
Married and
Staying
Married

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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION
Are you Ready to Get Married?
5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Thinking About Getting Married
For the Ladies – 5 Ways to Know if He’s Good Marriage Material
For the Men- Five ways to know if she’s Good Marriage Material
10 Creative Ways to Propose
Tips for Picking out an Engagement
Ring The Four Cs of Diamond Buying
1. Cut
2. Clarity
3. Color
4. Carat weight
A Few Words About Diamond Buying and Conflict Diamonds
10 Things to Talk to Your Fiancée About Before You Get Married
1. Finances
2. Children
3. Sex
4. Family
5. Chores, Housework, and Other Day to Day Tasks
6. How You Both Spend Your Time
7. Conflict and Arguments
8. Fidelity
9. Religion
10. Goals and Life Plans
Getting Married Again if You Have been Divorced
PreMartial Counseling
Should You Have a Pre-Nuptial Agreement?
5 Stipulations that You Should Put Into a Pre-Nuptial
Agreement Getting a Marriage License
What is a Marriage By Proxy?
Do You Need a Blood Test to Get a Marriage License?
Tips for Planning a Civil marriage Ceremony
Tips for Planning a Religious Wedding
10 Ways to Make Your Wedding Unique
After the Honeymoo
Tips for Adjusting to Life as a Married Couple
10 Ways to Avoid Being a Wicked Stepmother or
Stepfather The Legal Status of a Stepparent
5 Signs Your Marriage Might be In Trouble
Dealing with Alcoholism or Drug Use in a
Marriage Tips for Dealing with Infidelity in a
Marriage
Tips for Dealing with Financial Problems in a Marriage
How to Get Through the Hard Times
10 Mistakes that Can Kill Your Marriage

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When Should You See a Marriage Counselor?
Marriage Encounters and Other Alternatives to Marriage
Counseling WorldWide Marriage Encounters
Relationship Classes and Seminars
Religious Counseling
How to Live Happily Ever After
Communication is the Key to a Long Lasting Marriage
Conclusion

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INTRODUCTION
Getting married can be the happiest and most hectic time of your life. Millions of little girls grow up dreaming of
the day when they will get to have their perfect fairy tale wedding. They dream of walking down the aisle in a
beautiful gown and having everyone they love there to celebrate with them.

But planning a marriage is a lot of work and takes a lot of time and energy. There are a lot of things that you
and your fiancée need to talk about and decide when it comes to making wedding plans. Where to hold the
ceremony, what kind of ceremony to have, how many people you want to invite, and how to pay for the wedding
are just a few of the big questions that you will face when it comes to deciding what type of wedding you want.

It’s not uncommon for couples to get swept up in the romance and joy of planning a wedding and then forget
that they are going to be starting a new life together and need to plan ahead for that. The wedding details are
important, but it’s even more important to sit down with your fiancée and have some candid discussions about
money, lifestyle, and other factors that will determine whether or not your marriage will work out in the long run.
If you want to have nine kids and your fiancée doesn’t want any the two of you need to discuss the issue of
having children and come to an agreement about the number of kids that you’ll have before you get married.

Don’t expect your fiancée to change his or her mind about certain issues just because you’re getting married.
That is just asking for trouble down the road. Instead you should attend some pre-marital counseling and come
to an agreement about big issues like money and children before you get married to make sure that your
marriage will last.

Marriages built on a strong foundation of trust and communication will last forever, and married couples can
work together, grow together, and stay happily married and very much in love for their whole lives but it doesn’t
happen overnight and it doesn’t happen without a little bit of preparation. The information in this book should
give you the basics that you need to start more open communication with your fiancée and learn how get
married without a lot of stress and expense and how to stay married.

ARE YOU READY TO GET MARRIED?

In the flurry of excitement that comes with a proposal many potential brides and grooms don’t really ask
themselves if they are truly ready to be married. A wedding is fun and exciting, but a marriage is a lifetime
commitment that shouldn’t be rushed. Before you get married you should be as sure as possible that you have
found the person that you will want to be with for the rest of your life. Can you see yourself growing old with
your fiancée? If so, that’s a good sign that you’re ready to make that commitment.

But before you jump into a marriage you need to take a deep look at yourself in order to determine if you’re
really ready to be married. You shouldn’t get married just because you want to be able to say that you are
married, or because you are tired of being single, or because you want someone to take care of you financially,
or because you want to have children, or even just because you want to have sex and your religion or culture
says that you can’t have sex until you are married. If you are thinking about getting married for those kinds of
reasons then you are probably not ready to get married.

When you are truly ready to be married you will want to get married because you will want to settle down and
make a home with your fiancée. You will picture yourself growing old with your fiancée and possibly having
children with your fiancée. But in order to get to that point you need to have had enough life experience to be
able to make a mature decision about getting married. In order to consider yourself ready to be married you
should:

 Have had at least one serious relationship in the past that lasted more than a year. If you have never been

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 with the same person for more than a year how can you expect to be with one person for the rest of your
life? Not having had a long term relationship with anyone shows a lack of maturity and says that you are
not ready to get married because you don’t know how to make a relationship last.

 Be financially independent. It’s important that you don’t go into a marriage just so that someone will take
care of you financially. That kind of a dynamic is a poor way to start a marriage because it makes it easy
for the other person to control and manipulate the relationship. If you are financially dependent on
someone then you no longer of a marriage of two equal partners you have a relationship where one
person is dependent on the other and relationships like that rarely are healthy and strong. You should
be financially independent and have the skills and education that you need to support yourself before
you get married.

5 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED
Because marriage is such a big commitment you should be sure that you’re ready to make that commitment
before you propose to your significant other. If you’re not 100% sure that you are ready to settle down with one
person for the rest of your life then you should put off the proposal until you are sure. How will you know if
you’re really ready to make that commitment? Ask yourself these five questions. If you can answer “yes” to
these five questions then there is a very good chance that you are ready to start looking at engagement rings
and planning a proposal.

1. Do you have good communication skills?

More than anything else having a good marriage depends on having good communication skills. There will be
times that you will fight with your spouse, and there will be times when you both hurt each other. That’s just
human nature. In order to work through those arguments and get past that hurt you need to have good
communication skills. If you feel like your communication skills aren’t as good as they could be consider taking
a class on communication or reading a few books on how to communicate effectively to give you some pointers
on how to improve your communication skills.

2. Do you want to get married for the right reasons?

Examine your motives for getting married closely. If you only want to get married so you can get out of your
parent’s house, or so that you can qualify for a raise at work, or for another mundane reason then you are not
ready to get married. If you want to get married because you know that your partner is the only person in the
world that you could love forever and you want to wake up next to that person everyday for the rest of your life
then you are ready to get married.

3. Can I live with someone else?

If you’ve never shared living space with another human being you might not be ready to get married and dive
into a situation where you will be sharing all of your living space with someone else. Your spouse might be
messy, or leave the milk on the counter, or put empty juice boxes in the refrigerator, or forget to vacuum up the
cat hair or clean the litter box. Little habits like that can drive you crazy if you haven’t learned how to live with
someone else’s quirks and habits. If you’ve had roommates or you’ve lived with a significant other in the past
then you have a good idea of what to expect when you and your spouse live together.

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4. Are you ready to make your significant other a real partner in your life?
When you’re just dating it’s easy to still maintain some privacy and not let your significant other in on all the
details of your day to day life or what happens at work or what you do after work to relax and so on. But when
you’re married you will need to share all the details of your life with your spouse and you will have to give up
that privacy that you have now. Are you ready to embrace your significant other as a full partner in your life? If
you rush home from work and immediately want to be with your significant other or if you call your significant
other five times a day whenever something good or bad happens to you then you are probably ready to get
married.

5. Do you feel like you can’t live without your significant other?
All the other questions pale in comparison to this one. Ultimately the decision about whether or not to get
married comes down to what your heart says. Do you love your significant other and want to make a home with
that person? Can you see yourself coming home to that person everyday and see that person coming home to
you? Can you see the two of you walking hand in hand fifty years from now? Listen to your heart and it will tell
you if you are ready to get married.

FOR THE LADIES – 5 WAYS TO KNOW IF HE’S GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL

Women often spend a lot of time waiting for their boyfriends to become ready for marriage and ready to settle
down and a family but you don’t need to wait if you know how to read the signs. Guys that are good marriage
material and are ready and willing to make that commitment will let you know through their actions that they are
looking for a serious, long-term relationship that is going to end in marriage. How can you tell when a man is
good marriage material? Look for these signs:

1. He is the one chasing you – If you are always the one calling to make dates or emailing him to ask how his
day is going then he’s probably not that interested in you and definitely not ready for any kind of serious
commitment. A guy that really wants to be with you and is capable of making a serious commitment will pursue
you and will make it clear that he’s interested in being with you.

2. Look at his friends – If his friends are still swinging singles that spend their weekend nights at the local sports
bar hitting on women or going to the latest trendy clubs to see how many women’s phone numbers they can
get then chances are pretty good that your man isn’t going to be ready to settle down anytime soon. If, on the
other hand, his friends are married and have children and live a more sedate, settled lifestyle then he’s probably
thinking about getting married.

3. He says “we” instead of “I” or “me” – Listen closely to the language that your guy uses. If he routinely says
“we” or refers to the two of you as a single entity instead of just saying “me” or “I” then in his mind he’s already
committed to you. And once he’s made up his mind to commit it’s just a matter of time until he will be ready to
take things to the next level and consider getting married if he hasn’t already.

4. He can communicate his feelings – The key to making a marriage work is communication, but many men
don’t really know how to communicate their feelings to the women in their lives. If your man is affectionate
without always trying to get you to sleep with him and shows he appreciates you with thoughtful gestures and
little gifts then he is showing that he is ready to be in a committed long term relationship like a marriage.

5. He wants to know your friends and family – A guy that doesn’t want to be a long term part of your life won’t
want to take the time or make the effort to get close to your friends and family. But a guy that is thinking about
sticking around for a long time will know that it’s important to you that he get to know your friends and family
because they

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are important to you and part of your life and he will go out of his way to start building good relationships with
them.

FOR THE MEN- FIVE WAYS TO KNOW IF SHE’S GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL
Just like not all men are ready to make a commitment and settle down not all women are good marriage
material either. So if you’re a man that is ready to make the commitment to get married and settle down how
can you tell if the woman that you’re dating is good marriage material and not just someone that you’re better
off dating? Here are five clues that the woman you’re dating is ready to settle down and will be a good partner
for you:

1. She is financially independent – While you might like the idea of taking care of your wife and family
financially it’s important that she know how to handle money and has the same financial goals that you do. A
woman that is making her own money and paying her own bills won’t be dependent on you to take care of her
and won’t expect you to pay for everything in the marriage.

2. She is secure with herself– A woman that goes through your cell phone or email to see who talked to that day
or calls you 80 times a day is probably not going to make a great wife or mother. A woman that is comfortable in
her own skin, doesn’t try to control you and likes to have some free time to herself is good marriage material
because she is emotionally able to handle the stress of a marriage.

3. She has her own interests – In order for a marriage to work over a long period of time it’s important that each
person has their own hobbies and interests so that they have something to contribute to the relationship. A
woman that has no interests or passions of her own isn’t going to be a very interesting companion over the
years. Physical beauty fades over time, so if your girlfriend is beautiful but lacks any kind of interest or hobby
then you will probably get bored in the long run.

4. She can communicate her feelings – You might think that most women don’t have any trouble communicating
their feelings but in fact many of them do. The reason that many women get upset over small things is because
they are really upset about a much bigger issue but can’t express it very clearly. If you are dating a woman that
can tell you what is bothering her and why and can talk about something and then let it go it shows that she has
the communication skills necessary to make a marriage work.

5. You have the same values – In order for any marriage to work, but especially a marriage in which you want to
have kids, it’s important that you have the values so that you will be on the same page when it comes to
parenting. If your girlfriend doesn’t share your values or the things that are important to you then the
relationship probably won’t last in the long run.

10 CREATIVE WAYS TO PROPOSE

Once you are sure that you’re ready to get married you can start to think about how you want to propose. You
should put a little thought and a little effort into the proposal and go out of your way to make it special. Your
spouse will be telling the story of how you proposed for the rest of her life so you should give her a good story to
tell. Even if you have already discussed getting married and you know that she’s going to say yes when you ask
you should plan the proposal as a special event that she’s not expecting. Having trouble coming up with fun and
creative ways to pop the question? Here are ten ideas for fun proposals that will get you started:

1. On the town – Tell your girlfriend that you’re taking her out for a special night on the town. Get all dressed
up and head out to your favorite dance club, or to see one of your favorite bands. Make preparations with the
club, DJ or band in advance to propose to your girlfriend for you at a scheduled point in the night. Make sure

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you have

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the ring ready because everyone in the club will want to see it when she says yes.

2. Go back to where it all started – Places and dates can be very important in a relationship so if you want to
make your proposal very romantic and sweet take her to the site where you first met, or somewhere that is
special to the two of you and recreate the special moment that happened at that site. You may not be able to
exactly recreate the same conditions that existed when you first met but give it your best shot. For example, if
you first met in a coffee shop sit at the same table you were sitting at when you met and order the same drink.
This proposal method is really fun if you met at work, but make sure that you clear it with HR or your boss. Then
propose.

3. The movie proposal – If your girlfriend really likes movies or if your first date was a movie date then asking
her at the movies is a great idea. Buy an ad from a company that sells movie theater advertising and arrange
for the ad to run before a romantic movie at your favorite local movie theater. Just make sure you get there
early so that you don’t miss it. To make it more fun hide the ring in some candy or in the popcorn box, just make
sure neither of you eats it by mistake!

4. Treasure hunt – Arrange a treasure hunt for her leaving clues at spots all over town that are special to the
two of you. A store where you always shop is a good place to leave a clue, or a coffee shop that you go
frequently, or at her favorite restaurant. Make sure that the last clue in the treasure hunt leads to you, holding a
ring, and a proposal.

5. Breakfast in bed - If you want to propose more privately wake up early one morning and slip the ring on her
finger while she’s still sleeping. Surprise her with breakfast in bed. She won’t even realize that you’ve proposed,
she will think that getting breakfast in bed is her surprise, and then she’ll have another great surprise when she
notices the ring.

6. Let rubber ducky do it – After your girlfriend has had a hard day or is feeling blue offer to draw her a bath.
Draw a nice hot bubble bath using lots of bubbles. Light some candles and float some rose petals and a rubber
duck or other child’s bath toy in the bath with the ring tied around its neck. Just make sure that the drain on the
tub is very tightly closed to prevent any accidents that might result in the ring ending up going down the drain.

7. Go online – Make a video proposal and post it on YouTube where all her friends can see it. Let her one of
her friends send her a link to it telling her it’s the latest Internet craze and then wait for her surprise after she
sees the video of you proposing. Or, you can make a Podcast proposal and put it on her iPod so she’ll hear it
on her way to work or at the gym.

8. Make her a webpage – Create a webpage dedicated to her and how much you love her. Post photos of the
two of you and special stories about her relationship. You can add a video proposal that will play as soon as the
Webpage is viewed. Hide the actual name of the webpage in a link and send her an email telling her to check
out this great site you found. Once she has accepted update the Webpage to let everyone know she said yes.

9. Spell it out – Use refrigerator magnets to spell out a proposal on your fridge and then hide the ring inside
a special treat inside. Just clean out the fridge first so that the only thing in the fridge is a bottle of champagne
and her favorite treat with the ring in it, otherwise it could take weeks for her to find the ring and accept your
proposal.

10.Tellherit’sforever-Usecoloredhennatocreatea“tattoo”askinghertomarryyou.Putitsomewherereallyobviously,
like on your forehead or your arm or your stomach. It will look like a real tattoo, but it will fade after a few weeks.
Make sure you take lots of pictures before it fades though so that she will have the photos to show off your
“tattoo” proposal.

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TIPS FOR PICKING OUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING
Picking the right engagement ring is a process that shouldn’t be rushed. Since your fiancée will be wearing this
ring for the rest of her life it’s very important that you choose a ring that she will love. Many women dream about
their engagement rings and already have a good idea of the type of ring that they want so if you pay attention to
the clues that your girlfriend drops you should have a decent idea of what kind of ring she wants.

When you’re picking out a band and a setting for the ring try to use the style of jewelry that she normally wears
as a guide. If your girlfriend doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry and the jewelry that she does have is quiet and sedate
then she will probably prefer a simple ring without a lot of decoration or embellishment. But if your girlfriend
loves big, bright flashy costume jewelry then she will probably want a ring that is that is bold and has a lot of
sparkle. In order to make sure the ring is the right size try to snag a ring that she wears on her ring finger when
she’s not looking, or ask one of her friends to find out for you what ring size she wears.

Paying more attention to the kind of jewelry that your girlfriend wears on a regular basis can help you learn a
lot about what style of engagement ring she will prefer. If you never see her wearing yellow gold, then look for
a white gold or platinum engagement ring because that’s a good indication that she doesn’t like yellow gold. If
you’re still having trouble figuring out what style of band and setting she would like enlist the help of her best
friend or a family member. Just make sure they swear not to tell her that you’re ring shopping or your secret will
be out before you want it to be.

The diamond that you choose is the most important part of the engagement ring. Buying a diamond can be
stressful for a lot of men but it doesn’t have to be if you do a little research first and know what you’re looking for
when you go to purchase the ring. When you’re buying fine jewelry like an engagement ring it really does pay to
be an educated shopper. You will probably be spending a lot of money on this ring and it’s important to know
what you’re buying and how to spot a quality diamond from an inferior diamond because cost is not always the
most reliable way to tell. Before you go diamond shopping you need to know the Four C’s of Diamond Buying.

THE FOUR CS OF DIAMOND BUYING

1. CUT
When it comes to diamond buying the cut refers to the way the diamond is cut to allow light to reflect off of it,
not how large the diamond is. A high quality diamond should have lots of little facets that reflect lights straight
back so that the diamond sparkles. Inferior diamonds will have fewer facets or facets that aren’t very sharp and
don’t reflect light very well. Even a small diamond can be a very high quality diamond if it’s cut well.

2. CLARITY
Clarity refers to the number of flaws, called inclusions that a diamond has. Because diamonds are naturally
occurring stones they often have small bubbles, scratches, sediment, or other items inside the diamond. The
fewer of these there are the higher the quality of the diamond is. Diamonds are graded on a scale for the
amount of inclusions that they have. The scale is:
 F – Flawless. Not a single inclusion that is visible in the whole diamond.

 IF – Internally Flawless. There are some minor inclusions around the edges and the outside of the
diamond but the heart of the diamond has no inclusions at all.

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  VVS1-VVS2 - Very Very Slightly Included. There are some inclusions but these are really only visible
under a magnification of 10 or higher and only to a highly trained eye. Most consumers would never
notice the inclusions in these diamonds.

 VS1-VS2 Very Slightly Included. These diamonds have inclusions that can be seen with magnification of
10 or higher but are invisible to the naked eye.

 SI1-SI2 Slightly Included. Diamonds that have inclusions that most people will never notice but are
easily visible under even slight magnification.

 I1-I3 Included. These are diamonds that have lots of inclusions that are clearly visible to the naked eye.

Diamonds that rate higher than a VVS1-VVS2 are very rare and extremely expensive. Most engagement rings
fall in the SL1-VS2 range. If cost is a factor for you then you should buy a smaller carat size instead of
skimping on the clarity of the diamond. You’re better off spending your money on a smaller but higher quality
diamond than you are spending it on a large but clearly flawed diamond.
3. COLOR
Most diamonds that are used for engagement rings are “white” diamonds, or clear diamonds. In these
diamonds the less color the diamond has the higher the quality is. These “white” diamonds should reflect light
brilliantly because they are totally colorless. There are colored diamonds, often called “fancy colored diamonds”
that have exotic hues naturally because of minerals or other things that the diamonds were exposed to during
the time that they were made.

For example, yellow diamonds are formed when new diamonds are exposed to nitrogen in the soil as they are
forming deep in the ground. Green diamonds often come from soil that has been irradiated. Fancy colored
diamonds are usually blue, green, yellow, champagne, or black.

4. CARAT WEIGHT
The carat weight of a diamond is how large the stone is. Some people think that a larger carat weight
automatically means that the ring is better than other rings but that’s not always true. A small carat weight
diamond that has great color and clarity is far more valuable than a large carat diamond that has only fair color
and clarity. When you’re thinking about what carat diamond ring to buy for your fiancée take into account the
type of jewelry that she usually wears. Someone that wears unobtrusive jewelry would probably be
uncomfortable with a large two carat ring and someone that loves big dramatic jewelry will probably be
disappointed if you buy a small half carat ring even if it’s a very high quality diamond.

A FEW WORDS ABOUT DIAMOND BUYING AND CONFLICT DIAMONDS

In July of 2000 the World Diamond Council passed a resolution to try and halt the sale of “conflict diamonds”
throughout the world. “Conflict” diamonds are diamonds produced in mines illegally by members of terrorist
groups and fascist regimes that refuse to recognize legitimate forms of government in the countries that the
diamond mines are in. Diamonds from these mines are often mined by slave labor illegally and the proceeds
go to fund the terrorist activities of these groups. Ongoing conflicts in places like Angola and Sierra Leone are
funded almost entirely by the sale of conflict diamonds.

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To make sure that you are not supporting these groups by buying conflict diamonds ask the jeweler that you are
buying the diamond ring from to produce documentation of the diamond’s origin and history. Diamonds that are
not conflict diamonds should have paperwork showing their place of origin along with their cut, clarity and
rating. Making sure that you are not buying a conflict diamond is a small way that you can help to stop the
atrocities that go on in countries where diamond mining is one of the few ways that people have to make
money.

10 THINGS TO TALK TO YOUR FIANCÉE ABOUT BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED

In all the excitement of planning a wedding sometimes couples forget to talk about things that are really
important to discuss before you start a life together. If you enroll in pre-marital counseling often the counselor
that is helping you will hold guided discussions about these issues so that the two of you can find out more
about where the other person stands on these topics but if you’re not going to enroll in any pre-marital
counseling then you should schedule some time to sit down and discuss these things to be sure that you’re on
the same page before you get married.

To give yourselves the time and space you need to really discuss these things in depth you should pick a time
and go somewhere private where are there no distractions and you can talk openly. Once you’re in a good
environment then you need to discuss these things as a couple:

1. FINANCES
Money problems and miscommunication about money is the number one reason that marriages break up, so
talking about your finances before the wedding is a good way to make sure that your marriage gets off on the
right foot. If you can’t talk about money as a couple then you are not ready to get married. Some of the critical
things to discuss when it comes to finances are:

 How much debt does each of you have separately?

 What investments, savings, or other financial fail safes do each of you have?

 Who will deal with the bulk of the financial decisions in the marriage, like paying bills and so on?

 What are your individual assets?

 Will you have separate bank accounts or a joint account?

 What are your spending habits?

 What are your financial goals as a couple? Do you want to buy a house? Have a huge wedding? You
need to set financial priorities.

 What will your combined monthly income be?

Because there are so many issues that come up when you’re trying to combine your financial households into
one it’s a very good idea to seek professional help when it comes to discussion finances. A good counselor can
help you work through any anxiety or other issues related to finances in the relationship and a good personal
accountant can help you both figure out what is the best way to move forward based on your current financial
situation. If you do want to buy a house or start saving for a child’s education then talk to a qualified
professional

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to get advice on how you can get started as a couple. If you can discuss finances and make solid financial
decisions early on in the marriage it will give your marriage a very strong foundation.

2. CHILDREN
If one of both of you already has children then you need to discuss custody arrangements and let the other
person know what your relationship with the child’s other parent is like before you get married. Dealing with
children from a past relationship is never easy for the person that you’re marrying and trying to blend the
children into a new family can make or break a new marriage. You should really get professional help when it
comes to blending children from previous relationships with your partner’s children into a new family unit.

If neither of you has children already then you need to discuss whether or not you want to have children. If you
do want to have children then you should talk about how large a family you want to have. If you want to have
children but your partner doesn’t that could indicate that you are fundamentally incompatible and probably
shouldn’t get married. If your partner wants to have nine children and you only want to have one then you
should discuss the issue of children and how many children you are willing to have before the marriage so that
you’re both on the same page when it comes to the size of the family that you want to have.

Another important issue to talk about when you’re discussing having children is who will be the children’s
primary caregiver. If one spouse is going to stay home in order to care for the kids which spouse wants to stay
home? Should you consider daycare so that you can both work? How do you both feel about a nanny? All of
these issues should be discussed before you get married.

The most important thing to discuss once you have decided that you do want children is how you intend to raise
them. If you and your partner have different parenting styles you will need to discuss in advance how to raise
your children and how you are going to parent them so that you’re not always fighting about how the children
are being raised.

3. SEX
Sex is very important in a marriage and it’s important that you discuss your individual libidos and the
expectations that you have about sex within the marriage. Next to money sex is the big issue that tends to
break marriages apart so it’s worth taking the time to sit down and talk about it. If your partner dismisses
your concerns about the sexual aspect of your relationship or if your partner doesn’t want to discuss sex with
you then that is a pretty strong sign that you shouldn’t get married until your partner is more comfortable and
discuss important topics openly with you.

When you are talking about sex you can use that opportunity to discuss things like having friends of the
opposite sex, infidelity, and what you each consider to be “cheating”. Discussing what type of interaction with
the opposite sex is acceptable to each partner before you get married can prevent a lot of heartache in the
future by setting some ground rules for the relationship that both parties agree upon.

4. FAMILY
The relationship that you have with your family and the relationship that your spouse has with his or her family
can have a big impact on your relationship. If the relationships are good then you need to discuss things like
whose family you will spend time with on holidays, or which relatives you want to invite to family functions, how
often you will each visit your family and how often family members can come and see you.

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If the relationships that each of you has with family aren’t so good then you should talk about the impact of that
your relationship. Will there be lots of family fighting and drama that your spouse will have to deal with? Will you
need to make emergency trips to help your family members? Have you ever had to loan family members
money? Would you loan them money again if they asked? Talk to your partner about how you would both deal
with these issues as a couple so that if there are problems that develop that are related to your families you will
already have discussed how you want to deal with them.

5. CHORES, HOUSEWORK, AND OTHER DAY TO DAY TASKS

If you haven’t lived together before you get married and you haven’t already talked about who will be
responsible for certain household chores you need to sit down with your partner and discuss the division of
labor around the house. It might seem trivial to talk about who will empty the garbage, do the vacuuming,
grocery shop and run the errands but if you don’t spell out who is responsible for the household chores they
might not get done. Or if they do get done there might be a lot of unexpressed resentment when one person
feels that they are doing more than their share of the household chores.

If neither of you wants to the household cleaning then you talk about the possibility of hiring someone to come
in clean regularly. Or hire a landscaping company to take care of the lawn and yard work. Are you a neat freak?
Is your future spouse? Talk about what level of cleanliness each of you expects and the best way to
compromise on the household chores before you get married so that your married life is more harmonious after
the ceremony.

6. HOW YOU BOTH SPEND YOUR TIME

Do you spend 40 hours a week at work plus an hour or two a day commuting? Does your future spouse? How
do you like to spend your free time? How much time will the two of you have together and how do you want to
spend it? How does your schedule compare to your spouse’s? These are all important questions about your
time and your spouse’s time that you need to discuss. You both need to have a realistic expectation of what
your daily schedules will be so that you can make the most of the time that you do have together.

It’s also important that you each make time to care of yourselves. Things like spa trips, haircuts, going to the
gym and other personal care tasks are important and need to be made a priority for each you. Don’t forget to
factor time into your schedules to take care of your intellectual needs too, like reading books or joining a book
club or spending time playing video games or pursuing other hobbies. It’s not healthy for the two of you to
spend all of your free time with each other. You will each need to decide how much time you want to devote to
hobbies and friends.

If your schedules are very busy like most couples are it might be helpful to schedule some time just for the two
of you. Designate one night per week to be “date night” where the two of you go out for dinner or to see a movie
or to do something fun without talking about the kids, the finances or anything else related to your married life.
Use that time to connect again as two people in love. It can make a big difference in the quality of your marriage
over a long period of time if you take the time to invest in your relationship.

7. CONFLICT AND ARGUMENTS

Fights happen in every marriage, even happy ones. Every couple is going to disagree or fight about things at

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some point in their marriage. What sets healthy couples apart from unhealthy ones is the way they deal with
those fights and how they resolve conflict. So before you get married sit down with your partner and talk about
how each of you reacts in an argument and how you can both handle arguments in the marriage better so that
those arguments don’t end up destroying your marriage.

This isn’t always an easy topic to discuss but it helps if you are very pro active and constructive. Don’t blame
each other for the way that you argue. Instead of talking about who does what and who flies off the handle and
who doesn’t know how to argue the right way keep the conversation focused on what you can do to minimize
the damage of the argument.

For example, talk about how you both can avoid making arguments personal and flinging personal insults when
you’re angry instead of focusing on the problem that is causing the argument. Or you might want to agree that if
an argument starts you will both go off and be by yourselves for a period of time until you can calmly discuss
the problem. Talk to your partner about how to handle conflict within the marriage because you will definitely
fight.

8. FIDELITY
You might think that fidelity is implied by the idea of getting married but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes
your partner might have a very different idea of what being faithful means. Someone being unfaithful in a
marriage doesn’t always just mean having an affair. Cyber flirting or online relationships, text relationships, and
friendships with members of the opposite sex that cross the line into relationships can all lead to problems in a
marriage. Before the marriage takes place you should sit down with your partner and talk about what crosses
the line and what’s allowed.

Even though it might be difficult to talk about setting some ground rules about what fidelity means in the
relationship could save your marriage later on. For example, if your partner knows that a text relationship or
online relationship that he or she has with a friend of the opposite sex makes you uncomfortable there are ways
that you two can deal with that together. But if your partner doesn’t know and doesn’t take steps to make you
more comfortable with the friendship then you might end up fighting about it or even getting divorced because
of it later on.

9. RELIGION
Your religious beliefs can do more than play a role in planning the wedding, they can be something that makes
your marriage stronger and your bond with partner tighter or they can become a big sticking point that could
eventually rip the marriage apart. Your religious beliefs and your spouse’s can impact everything from your daily
routine to how you raise your children so it’s important that you know what your partners religious beliefs are
before you get married. If your spouse doesn’t follow an organized religion and you do then you should talk
about whether or not your spouse will participate in your religious observances or celebrate religious holidays
with you.

If neither of you follows an organized religion you should discuss what your individual views about religion are
so that you have a clear understanding of what the other person believes. If you are planning on having children
then it’s very important to discuss what religion you plan on bringing your child up in and what you want to teach
your child about religion. Because the issue of religion can have such a huge impact on a marriage it’s very
important that you talk about it with your partner before the wedding.

10. GOALS AND LIFE PLANS

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Before you start a new life with someone you should talk with that person about his or her life goals, dreams,
ambitions and plans. Ask yourself where you do you want to be in a year? Where do you want to be in five
years?

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How about ten? What do you want to have accomplished by then? What career do you want to have? Do you
want to have kids? Where do you see yourself living? Really think about the future and how you want your life
to be down the road. Ask your partner to think about those questions also.

Then sit down together after you’ve both had some time to think and talk about each of your answers to those
questions. You might need to compromise on some of your life goals, and so might your partner. But in order to
build a life together that will last through the years you need to have at least an idea of where each of you wants
to go and how you want your lives to progress through the years.

Remember that when you’re talking about getting married you’re talking about making a promise to your partner
that you will be with that person for the rest of your life. Before you can make that promise it just makes sense
to have a firm idea of how you want your life to be five years from now or ten years from now or even twenty
years from now so that you will know if you and your partner will be compatible over the years.

GETTING MARRIED AGAIN IF YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED

If you have already been married and that marriage ended in divorce you might be hesitant to think about
getting married again, but getting married again can give you the chance to correct mistakes that you might
have made in the past that led to the breakdown of your first marriage. If you are thinking about getting married
again and you have had one more divorces in the past here are some things that you can do to help you feel
more comfortable with the idea of getting married again and give you a fresh start when it comes to marriage:

Be honest with yourself. It’s not always easy but it’s important that you look back over your previous marriage
or marriages to see what role you played in the breakdown of the marriage. You might not have asked for the
divorce, but it takes two people to make or break a marriage so there are probably things that you did or didn’t
do that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Write down the things that you regret doing or the things
that you should have done so that you will know what behaviors you want to change in order to make another
marriage work.

Get some counseling. There are a lot of great counselors that specialize in helping people who have been
divorced come to terms with the divorce and learn new ways to communicate and new patterns so that they
have a chance to have a happy marriage. Going through a divorce can really take a toll on your view of
relationships so it might help to have a trained and experienced professional show you how to deal with any
leftover anger, resentment or sadness from the divorce so that you can be happy in a new marriage.

Check out the legality of your divorce, custody arrangements and other conditions of the divorce. There are
thousands of people who have tried to get married a second time only to find that their previous husband or wife
never followed through filing the divorce papers so that they are still legally married. Before you make plans to
get married check the status of your divorce to make sure that you are legally divorced. Then read over the
divorce decree very carefully to see if there are any changes that will result from you getting married again.
Sometimes custody arrangements, child support payments or alimony payments can be effected by one of the
divorced partners getting remarried.

If you have kids and you have been divorced but are getting remarried make sure that you talk to your
children’s other parent about the marriage. It will make it a lot easier for the kids to accept your new spouse if
you have the support of the other parent. Unless you have a very contentious relationship with the other parent
and it’s just not possible to have a civil conversation with that person you should try to let the other parent know
about the marriage and discuss it with the children before the marriage takes place.

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PREMARTIAL COUNSELING

If you haven’t considered going to premarital counseling you and your partner should really consider it. There
are different types of premarital counseling that you can attend. Some are therapy sessions, often held by a
member of the clergy or a pastor at the church where you want to be married. If you’re having a religious
ceremony premarital counseling may be required in order for you to married in that church or temple. Others
are classes and workshops that don’t get into personal details but instead teach you and your partner skills that
are essential to a good marriage like communication skills and conflict resolution skills.

You might be asking yourself if you really need to go through premarital counseling. Even if it’s not required by
your church you and your partner should definitely get some kind of premarital counseling. Look at the facts
about marriage. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Of the marriages that survive only half of those are still
considered happy marriages after ten years. When you first get engaged it seems like the relationship will be
perfect forever but that’s just not the case. Conflicts, disappointments, betrayals, resentment and other
problems will occur. It’s how you and your partner deal with those problems that will determine if you have a
happy marriage or end up divorced. So taking some premarital counseling or education classes to strengthen
your relationship skills is a good way to ensure that you and your partner are still happy and still together twenty
years down the road.

A good premarital counselor or a premarital educational course should deal with seven crucial elements that you
will need to talk about and have skills in before you get married. When you are choosing a premarital counselor
or considering taking a premarital education class check to make sure that these areas will be covered:

 Compatibility

 Expectations

 Personalities and families-of-origin

 Communication

 Conflict resolution

 Intimacy and sexuality

 Long-term goals

SHOULD YOU HAVE A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?

The issue of whether or not to have a pre-nuptial agreement can be a touchy one for some couples but it’s a
good idea to have the discussion before you start planning the wedding. It used to be that pre-nuptial
agreements were seen as something men used to protect their assets from gold digging wives but in reality pre-
nuptial agreements protect the assets of both the man and the woman that are getting married. More and more
couples are creating pre-nuptial agreements to protect their financial assets, savings plans, and any financial
benefits to their children from past marriages. If you have kids from a previous marriage then it is definitely in
your best interest to have a pre-nuptial agreement.

Pre-nuptial agreements are financial documents only, and no other stipulations about the marriage like who is
going to do the housework or which person will take out the trash can be put into the pre-nuptial agreement or
else it will not be a binding legal document. In order to have a valid pre-nuptial agreement both parties need to

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list all of their assets, property, bank accounts and income and then the document can specify who gets what
and under what circumstances.

You can add stipulations into the pre-nuptial agreement to clarify which person will keep track of the household
money, pay the bills, and do the taxes. Or which checking account the household money will come from. Or
how much of each paycheck each person is expected to put into the joint checking account to cover bills. Any
type of financial arrangement that you want to be legally agreed to can be put into the pre-nuptial agreement.

Every couple wants to think that their marriage will last forever and that they won’t be part of the 50% of all
marriages that fail but the statistics show that realistically most couples do face the risk of divorcing within a few
years of getting married. So if you have property, inheritances, college funds for the kids or other financial
assets that you don’t want to be considered joint property by a court if your marriage doesn’t make it then it’s a
smart idea to have a pre-nuptial agreement.

Talk to your partner about the need for a pre-nuptial agreement. Maybe your partner will agree that you should
have one to protect both of your financial holdings. If your partner doesn’t want to have a pre-nuptial agreement
and refuses to sign one that might be a sign that you shouldn’t go through with the marriage because that is a
definite sign that your partner has issues with money.

Money ruins more marriages than anything else so whenever it comes to dealing with financial issues as a
couple you should discuss them rationally and try not to get too emotional. If you need to make an appointment
to see a financial counselor who can help you and your partner understand why you need a pre-nuptial
agreement and can help you create one that will protect all your assets.

5 STIPULATIONS THAT YOU SHOULD PUT INTO A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT

Once you have decided that you really should have a pre-nuptial it’s time to make a list of the stipulations that
you want to have in the agreement. Remember that in order for the agreement to be legally binding all of the
stipulations must deal specifically with money. It can be fun to make up some goofy financial stipulations but
this is a document to protect your financial interest if the marriage falls apart so there are certain things that you
should make sure are in there. These five topics should always be covered in a pre-nuptial agreement:

1. Marital debts – A pre-nuptial agreement should specify who will pay any debts incurred through the course of
the marriage. If you are each going to agree to pay a percentage of the marital debts then make sure to specify
what the percentage is that each person must pay.

2. Insurance or other benefits – Spell out in detail who gets any insurance or other financial benefits that come
from the marriage. For example, life insurance or disability insurance that might be paid out if one of the
partners dies or becomes disabled. Make the stipulation as specific as possible about who is to receive the
money, so if your children are supposed to receive it make sure that their names are specified in the agreement
if possible.

3. Child support and alimony – These things can be decided by the courts if your marriage dissolves but it will
take a lot of time and you could be waiting for months or even years to get child support and alimony if you
don’t have a stipulation addressing those issues in your pre-nuptial agreement.

4. Division of property – If you plan on buying a home together make sure that there is a stipulation in the pre-
nuptial agreement that states which partner gets to keep the home in the event of a divorce or what is to be
done with the house. If you don’t want to agree to let one person have the home you can add a clause stating
that if you get a divorce the marital home needs to be sold and the money divided among the two of you.

5. Money for the children – If you have children or if you plan on having children it’s crucial to have a stipulation

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in the pre-nuptial agreement that protects their interests. Stipulate who is pay for the kids college education and
living expenses or what percentage of those costs each partner will be expected to pay. You should also
stipulate who gets to have power of attorney over any investments, college loan accounts or other financial
products that are in the kids names or are supposed to be for the benefit of the kids.

GETTING A MARRIAGE LICENSE

The requirements for getting a marriage license in the US vary depending on the state that you want to get
married in. Some states will require that you be a resident of that state in order to get married there and some
will not. Some states will require that you and your fiancée have a blood test showing that you don’t have
certain disease before you can get a marriage license. Often individual states have a mandatory waiting period
between when you apply for the license and when the license is valid. The license will also usually expire after
a certain period of time.

Even though the exact marriage license requirements are different in each states there are some general
requirements for marriage that most, if not all, of the states have. They include:

 Only a man and a woman can legally be married.

 The couple getting married must each be 18 years old or older, unless they have signed parental
consent. In some states people younger than 18 who want to get married must have a parent present to
give consent. In general marriage of anyone under 16 is not permitted even with parental consent.

 The couple must have proof of divorce if either one of them has been married before. Proof of a legal
divorce must be turned in with the marriage license application.

 The couple must pay a marriage license fee. Fees vary from state to state but usually are between $30
and $60 and usually need to be paid in cash that is turned in with the marriage license application.

 Close blood relatives are not allowed to marry. Some states will allow first cousins to marry if they are
both beyond child bearing age but many will not allow blood relatives to marry under any circumstances.

 The ceremony must be performed by an authorized person, either a judge, a member of a religious
group, or someone else recognized by the courts as having the authority to perform a marriage.

 The couple getting married has to have witnesses present for the ceremony. Some states only require
one witness but most states require two.

WHAT IS A MARRIAGE BY PROXY?

A marriage by proxy is a marriage ceremony where only one of the people that wants to get married is present.
Another person, usually a male relative, stands in for the person that cannot be present and the ceremony
takes place the way a normal wedding ceremony would with the stand in saying vows on behalf of the missing
party or reading vows written by that person for the ceremony. A person is that standing in as a proxy for
someone else

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in a marriage needs to be granted temporary power of attorney by that person in order for the proxy marriage to
be legal.

There is a long history of proxy marriages taking place throughout the world, especially in the Middle Ages, but
in the United States proxy marriages are very rare. Only four states will allow marriage by proxy: California,
Colorado, Montana and Texas. Some states like Iowa will not even recognize a proxy marriage, even if it’s
performed according to the laws of the state that it’s performed in. Usually proxy marriages are only allowed for
active duty military personnel who are not able to be present for the ceremony because they are deployed or
are on their way to a deployment or are in some other way fulfilling military obligations and can’t be present for
the ceremony.

DO YOU NEED A BLOOD TEST TO GET A MARRIAGE LICENSE?

In some states you do need a blood test in order to get a marriage license. The blood tests are done to test for
venereal diseases and to test for diseases like rubella. In some states the blood test requirement can be waived
if you can provide proof that you were vaccinated against certain diseases.

You will not be required to be tested for HIV before you can get a marriage license although the marriage
license office in your state might give you literature about HIV and encourage you to get tested before you get
married. If you or your partner test positive for a venereal disease some states will not issue you a marriage
license, and other states will only issue a marriage license if your partner signs a disclosure saying that he or
she is aware that you tested positive.

The states that still do require blood tests in order to get a marriage license are Washington D.C. and Montana.
However, New York State requires that African American and Hispanic marriage license applicants have a
blood test that will show if they are carriers for sickle cell anemia and some states require a blood test for
Jewish applicants in order to see if they have the genetic markers for Ty-Sachs disease.

TIPS FOR PLANNING A CIVIL MARRIAGE CEREMONY

If you’re not religious or if you want a very simple wedding ceremony or if you want the flexibility to be able to
design your own wedding ceremony you can have a civil ceremony performed. Civil ceremonies are usually
performed at the court house after you get a marriage license. Most courthouses have rooms set aside where
they perform civil ceremonies during posted hours. You usually don’t need an appointment for a civil ceremony
performed by a judge at the courthouse.

Civil ceremonies can be quite beautiful and creative, so if you haven’t seriously considered a civil ceremony
because you don’t want to get married at the courthouse don’t dismiss the idea of having a civil ceremony
without really looking into the possibilities that you have when you choose a civil ceremony instead of a
religious one. Here are some tips that will help you plan a fun and unique civil ceremony:

 Get a list of the people that are legally authorized to officiate at your wedding. You don’t have to have a
judge perform the ceremony, there are many other types of people that can legally officiate your
wedding.

 If you are going to write special wedding vows for your ceremony start early so that you have plenty of
time to write and rewrite them before the big day.

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  Outdoor civil ceremony weddings can be a lot of fun but make sure that you plan for bad weather and
have an alternative plan just in case.

 Check out other venues where you might like to have your civil ceremony. Your civil ceremony doesn’t
have to be done at the courthouse. Does your city have a cultural center that would make a lovely
backdrop for a wedding? How about a local museum or zoo? Or get married at the place where you had
your first date or where your partner proposed to you. You can hold civil ceremonies in public parks too if
you reserve the park for the day of the wedding through your local department of parks and recreation.
Think outside the box and plan your civil ceremony somewhere that is representative of you and your
partner.

 Make your ceremony unique. Even a courthouse wedding can be beautiful if you incorporate personal
and unique elements into the ceremony. For example, if you are marrying with someone with children
include the children in the ceremony in some way to make it more special for them. Include readings or
quotes that are meaningful to you and your partner.

TIPS FOR PLANNING A RELIGIOUS WEDDING

If you are a member of an organized religion, or if your partner is, and you want to get married in a traditional
religious ceremony in a church or temple you should start planning your wedding very early. Many religions
have specific rules and requirements that you must meet before you will be able to be married in the church or
temple and you will need to know what those are ahead of time and plan out how much time it will take you to
complete those requirements. Many religions require premarital counseling within the religion. Here are some
other tips that can help you plan a religious wedding ceremony:

 Become members of the church or temple that you want to have your wedding in. If you are not already
members of the church or temple where you want to have the wedding you should join as soon as you
get engaged. Many churches and temples will allow people that don’t belong to that particular church or
temple but are of that religious faith to use the church or temple for a wedding but preference is given to
those who are members. So you will have a much better chance of getting the church or temple for the
day that you want if you are members.

 Plan on premarital counseling. Many religions require that couples go through premarital counseling or
attend a marriage preparation course offered by the church or temple before they are allowed to get
married. Plan on having to attend at least a month’s worth of counseling or classes, although some
faiths require six months or more.

 Ask about decorating restrictions. Some religious sites will not allow you to use particular flowers in the
church or temple. Others may require that you donate the flowers that you use to the church or temple
after the wedding. There also may be restrictions about where you can decorate or using candles for
decorating. Make sure that you get a clear list of what is and isn’t allowed when it comes to decorating
before you start buying your decorations.

 If your partner doesn’t share your religious faith make sure that you check what the restrictions are
about being married in that church or temple. Some religions require that both members of the couple
be practicing members of the religion in order to be married in that church or temple. Strict faiths may
require that everyone in the wedding party be members of that faith in order to participate in the wedding
ceremony so ask about that before you choose your wedding party.

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10 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR WEDDING UNIQUE
If the idea of the traditional wedding in a big flower filled church doesn’t really thrill you don’t despair. There are
thousands of ways that you can make your wedding a beautiful affair that fits your budget and reflects the
unique personalities of you and your partner. Even if you do decide that you want to have a traditional location
like a church or even the beach for your wedding there are lots of ways that you can put your own unique spin
on tradition to make your wedding stand out from all the others. Here are ten ways to make your wedding
different:

1. Pick a unique theme. There are thousands of different wedding themes that you can choose so pick one that
reflects who you are as a couple instead of just one that you think is traditional. If you both love to roller skate
have your reception at a roller rink. Or, if you love music then have a rock and roll themed wedding that really
shows off your identity as a couple.

2. Celebrate the creation of a new family, not just a marriage of two people. If you are marrying someone that
has children already or if you do then incorporate your children into the wedding ceremony by exchanging
family vows after you exchange vows with your spouse. Or decorate your reception with pictures of all of you as
a family instead of just pictures of the bride and groom.

3. Broadcast your wedding and reception on the Web – Instead of just videotaping your wedding for friends or
family that can’t attend the wedding use a high quality webcam and a laptop to stream the ceremony and the
reception over the Internet. You can use a conferencing program that will allow multiple people to view the
video feed at the same time. Use a laptop that has a camera built into it if you can since those cameras are
usually higher quality and stream a larger picture.

4. Personalize your dance floor – Have something unique stenciled onto the dance floor just for your reception.
It could be your initials, or the initials of your children, or a flower that you used in the ceremony, or something
that is special to the two of you as a couple. Make sure that you get permission from the reception hall before
you have anyone paint the dance floor and make sure that you make arrangements to have it cleared up after
the reception.

A fast and easy way to make a custom piece for the dance floor is to have a vinyl decal cut in the shape that
you want. Vinyl decals can be made in hundreds of colors and styles. They also are easy to apply and durable
enough to last through the night. At the end of night the people cleaning up can just pull them up without
damaging the dance floor.

5. Use an heirloom dress even if you can’t wear it. If you really want to wear your mother’s or grandmother’s
wedding dress but there’s no way it will fit you then cut it up and use the fabric for something else. You can
wrap the bouquets in strips of the heirloom dress or have pieces of it sewn into a lovely shawl to wear with your
dress. That way you still get to honor your mother or grandmother but you don’t have to kill yourself trying to get
into a dress that won’t fit.

6. Make practical and unique wedding favors – If you are having kids at the wedding reception make a stack of
activity books for the kids that have your names and the date on the front and then lots of coloring pages and
puzzles inside. For coloring pages you can use black and white photos of you and your spouse, or your pets, as
well as traditional coloring pages. Make sure that you also have personalized boxes of crayons and markers for
the kids!

7. Don’t number your tables, name them instead. Use names that are significant to the two of you. For example,
if you were high school sweethearts name the tables according to classes that you had together. If you grew up
in the same town name the tables with the street names of your town. If you have pets you could use your pet’s
names as table names. Be creative and you’ll be amazed at how many special names you can come up with.

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8. Show off your family heritage. If your family is Irish then wear a dress accented with Irish lace. If your spouse
is Scottish have the men in the wedding party wear kilts in the family tartan. If your spouse’s family is Indian
have the women in the bridal party wear sarees. If you’re Asian then have all Asian food at the reception. Honor
your family heritage by adding cultural touches in unique ways at your wedding.

9. Create a photo guest book. Instead of having guests simply write their names and their good wishes in a
traditional guest book leave a few instant cameras near a blank guest book and have guests take instant
pictures, glue them to a page and write a message to you as a couple. That way every time you look at the
book you’ll remember your wedding and the friends and loved ones that came to celebrate it with you.

10. Make your own specialty drinks. Use fruit juice, colored liquor or even a little food coloring to color the drinks
that you serve. Have the bar staff create a few new and interesting cocktails named just for you and then as
a wedding favor give each guest a plastic margarita glass or martini glass with a small booklet containing the
recipes for the specialty drinks. That way your friends and loved ones will be able to recreate those drinks at
home. And every time they do they will remember your wedding.

These are just a few suggestions to help you personalize your wedding. Remember that your wedding and your
wedding reception should always represent you and your partner because the wedding is a celebration of the
things that make both of you unique.

AFTER THE HONEYMOON

After the wedding chaos is over and you return from your honeymoon you’ll start to get a taste of what it’s really
like to be married. Usually during their period you’re both on your best behavior and things can be really great.
This period will usually last for about a month, maybe up to six weeks, but after that real life starts to take over
and both of you won’t be on your best behavior anymore. That’s when you’ll need all those communication and
conflict resolution skills that you practiced before you got married.

There’s always a period of adjustment when you make a major life change like getting married so it’s important
that you give yourself and your new spouse and the kids, if there are kids involved, time to adjust to the new
situation. It might be difficult at first to be living in a new house, with new people, and having a new schedule
and so on but after a couple of months it will become more familiar and routine and your life together will start to
take shape. Soon you won’t even remember what it felt like to live apart.

Most couples experience a little friction when the “honeymoon” phase of the marriage is ending and real life is
creeping back into the situation. It’s normal to find yourself getting annoyed with your new spouse or getting
irritated at your spouse’s little quirks that you thought were charming until you had to live with them. Just
remember that your spouse is probably just as annoyed with you as you are with him or her. It’s very important
that you cut each other some slack during this period and don’t become overly critical or judgmental. Marriages
can quickly fall apart after the “honeymoon” phase if both partners are not able to recognize that even though it
might seem like they are incompatible that really it’s just a normal adjustment phase and that things will change
when both partners become more comfortable being married and sharing a household.

If you can make it through the period after the “honeymoon” phase there is a better chance that your marriage
will last. So you should really make every effort to get help from a professional counselor or use whatever tools
are available to you and encourage your spouse to do the same so that the two of you together can reach an
entirely new place in your relationship where you are really bonded as a married couple and are comfortable
living together and sharing a household.

If you have kids who are adjusting to being in a new family situation and in a new household you should get
some family counseling to help them adjust because kids sometimes have more of a problem adjusting to a

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new marriage than adults do. Remember to be patient with your kids and let them come to terms with the new
marriage and the new family situation in their own time. It’s important that you don’t rush them to accept the
new situation if you want them to eventually be happy and well adjusted within the family.

TIPS FOR ADJUSTING TO LIFE AS A MARRIED COUPLE

If you’re worried about how you will adjust to married life or how to get through the period after the “honeymoon”
phase when everything your spouse does irritates you and everything you do irritates him or her here are some
tips to help you make the adjustment to being a truly married couple a little easier:

 Compromise. You’ll never get through marriage without being able to compromise. In order to get
through any rough patches in the relationship you and your spouse will both have to be willing to
compromise sometimes. When you find yourself getting so angry with your spouse about something that
you want to scream stop, take a breath, and ask yourself how you can compromise with your spouse to
find a good resolution to the problem.

 Set ground rules and stick to them. If you don’t want his buddies camping out in the living room playing
video games all weekend long and he doesn’t want your sister bringing your nephew to stay for weeks
a time you both will need to set some ground rules about house visitors that are acceptable to you both
and stick with them. Post them on the fridge if you have to but make sure that you respect your spouse’s
ground rules about visitors and your spouse will respect yours.

 Talk about money. Nothing will ruin a marriage faster than resentment over money or anger about
spending habits. Even if it feels awkward you need to sit down with your spouse and discuss your
finances regularly so that you are both on the same page about how much you can spend. Sit down
together to pay the bills or have a household meeting once a week to discuss spending for the week,
whatever works for you. Just make sure that you have productive discussions about finances and don’t
hang onto that resentment and irritation.

 Don’t talk about serious issues when you’re mad about small things. When you’re already mad at your
partner it can be tempting to scream at him or her for everything they do that annoys you, even big
things. But leave the big things out of the argument and wait until you’re calmer to talk about them.
When you’re having a fight about your spouse spending $50 on a video game that is not the time to
bring up a parenting issues that you’ve been holding against him or her. Wait until you can discuss the
larger issue calmly and rationally.

Fights will happen in every marriage, but knowing how to fight without those fights getting personal and
damaging your marriage is the key to surviving them with the marriage intact.

10 WAYS TO AVOID BEING A WICKED STEPMOTHER OR STEPFATHER

If your spouse has children from a previous relationship then you could face an uphill battle being a stepmother
or stepfather to those children. Blending families can be hard for everyone involved, but it’s not impossible. If
you try to understand what the kids are going through and work to make the transition easier on them then you
might find that fairly soon you can build a good relationship with your stepchildren so that they don’t look at you
like the evil stepmother or evil stepfather from a fairy tale. Here are ten tips to help you make the transition to
being a family easier for your stepchildren:

1. Talk to your spouse about your role in the kid’s lives. In order to create a happy new family it’s critical that you

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and your spouse discuss what your role will be in the kids’ lives. You and your spouse need to be on the same
page about parenting issues and your spouse needs to agree to respect your authority when it comes to the
kids or else the kids won’t respect it either. It can be hard to talk about parenting your spouse’s children to your
spouse but it’s very important that you do so if you want to have a strong family someday.

2. Don’t react out of anger. Your new stepchildren will definitely try to push their limits and push your buttons.
That’s just what kids do, especially in a new situation and with a new parent. But if you get angry and punish
them out of anger you might ruin any chance that you have to build a good relationship with them. Sometimes
you just need to be the adult and let their bad behavior or insults slide without reacting angrily to it. It’s not
always easy, but being a parent isn’t always easy.

3. Be their friend at first and not a parent. If you immediately try to exert authority over your stepchildren they
will probably either resent you, start acting out, or depending on their ages they might just laugh at you. In order
for your new stepchildren to take you seriously as a parent and respect you as a parent first you have to be
their friend and gain their trust. You don’t automatically get their respect the way that a natural parent would.
Because you are an outsider, you have to earn it.

Being their friend doesn’t mean letting them get away with things though. Set ground rules and be very clear
that there will be consequences for breaking the rules. It can be mean walking a fine line to be their friend and
still maintain some authority but if your spouse is backing you up then you can be their friend and gain their
trust and respect without being a pushover.

4. Start new family traditions. Inevitably at one point or another one of your stepchildren will say “I don’t have
to listen to you you’re not my mother!” or “You’re not my father!” It’s only natural that the children will compare
you to their other natural parent. But the best way to get past those comparisons is to create entirely new family
traditions so that you’re not always being judged by the kids based on what they did with their natural mother or
father or what their natural mother or father said. Start a special family breakfast once a week where you take
the kids to their favorite diner for some breakfast and talking. Or set aside one night a week as a family movie
night.

5. Make the children feel secure. A lot of the time your stepchildren might be acting out because they are
scared and insecure. Kids need a lot of stability and structure and they have already lost a parent once. They
could be afraid to get close to you fearing they would lose you too. Or they might be afraid of the new family
situation. You can make your stepchildren feel more secure by giving them a lot of structure. Create daily
routines and stick to them. Spend time doing activities. Let them know that you’re going to be staying in the
family and eventually they will be less guarded and less afraid.

6. Be patient. Some kids don’t handle change very well and when they have a new stepmother or a new
stepfather that is a big change for them to deal with. Even when you are frustrated or when you feel like they
are treating you badly you need to just be patient and let the relationship build. Don’t give up. Keep trying to
earn their trust. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for kids is just give them time to adjust to their new
situation.

7. Always do what you say. The number one way to built trust with kids is to stick to your word. If you say that
you’re going to be home at 6 pm every night, be home at 6pm every night. If you say that you’re taking the kids
to play baseball on Saturday make sure that you are home to take them. And if you tell them that the will get
punished for doing something they shouldn’t and they do it anyway, you have to follow through and punish
them. Even when you don’t want to it’s critically important to stick to your word.

8. Acknowledge their feelings. Kids who experience the breakup of the relationship between their mother and
father need to grieve for that. It’s a very traumatic loss for a child. If you expect them to just get over it or not to
feel sad, or if you don’t acknowledge those feelings off loss then you will be seen as an evil stepmother or evil

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stepfather.

Try to understand that your stepchild or stepchildren are wrestling with very grown up issues and that for them
the breakup of their parents’ relationship is very much like a death in the family. It takes away their sense of
home and their sense of security. Do something with them to acknowledge and you will be taking a step in the
right direction towards gaining their respect and their love.

9. Grow a thicker skin. You will definitely need a thick skin and a good sense of humor to get through the
transition after you marry someone with kids. Lean on your spouse when you are feeling stressed out and
feeling like you can’t handle the situation anymore or find a support group for stepparents either locally or online
so that you can get some emotional support from other people that are going through the same thing. You are
definitely not alone when it comes to being a stepparent, and it’s ok to ask for help dealing with the transition.

10. Get family counseling after you get married. Don’t wait until there’s already a problem between you and your
step children to get help. Start seeing a family counselor or a family therapist after you get married so that a
professional who is trained to help families make this transition can help you and your stepchildren learn to be a
family.

THE LEGAL STATUS OF A STEPPARENT

The legal status of a stepparent can be iffy. In some situations a stepparent is considered to have the same
legal status and the same rights as a natural parent but for things like the power to make medical or financial
decisions for the child, the power to obtain the child’s records such as birth certificates, school records, social
security card and so on most states do not recognize a stepparent as having the same legal status as a parent.
So if you are going to be a stepparent you should definitely be proactive and take steps to ensure your legal
status as the child’s parent so that if something were to happen to your spouse or if your spouse was
unavailable to make an emergency decision you would have the legal standing to step in. Here are some of the
options you should consider when it comes to solidifying your status as a legal parent of your stepchildren:

Adoption – You can legally adopt your stepchildren if you have the parental consent of both natural parents.
You do need to have the consent of the parent that is no longer in the picture and sometimes that can be hard
to get so adoption might not be an option for you.

If the other parent of your stepchildren has not seen the children in years and doesn’t pay child support you can
go to court and petition the court to remove that parent’s custodial rights. If the other parent’s parental rights are
terminated by a judge you can adopt your stepchild with only the consent of your spouse. You should consult
with a lawyer that specializes in family law if you want to consider the option of adopting your stepchildren.

Once you have legally adopted your stepchildren you will be entitled to all of the rights that a natural parent has
when it comes to their child including the right to make medical care decisions, access the child’s medical and
school records, and make any other decisions necessary for the health and welfare of the child.

If you cannot legally adopt your stepchildren or if you are not sure that you want to legally adopt them you
should have your spouse and a qualified lawyer draw up a special power of attorney. A power of attorney is a
legal document that would give you the right to make medical decisions on behalf of the child, access the child’s
records and important information. You would need to have a separate power of attorney for each child. A power
of attorney also would give you the legal right to manage your stepchild’s financial affairs so that you could
handle any money put aside for the child.

After you get married to someone with children it’s a very smart idea to have a special power of attorney drawn up

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for each child and keep copies in your home with the originals in a safe deposit box. If something were to
happen unexpectedly to your spouse you wouldn’t have any legal standing to act as a parent to your
stepchildren without those documents.

5 SIGNS YOUR MARRIAGE MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE

Even though it’s normal to have some conflicts and some trouble adjusting when you are first starting out your
new lives together if you’re consistently fighting or having problems for months at a time your marriage might be
in trouble. It could be that you and your spouse are not communicating effectively or it could be that you are
both not recognizing the warning signs of a troubled marriage. If you pick up on the warning signs early enough
you may be able to save the marriage by attending marriage counseling or couples therapy.

How will you know if your marriage is really in trouble or if you are both still just getting used to being married
and living together? Here are five signs that your marriage might be in trouble. If you notice that two or more of
these signs apply to your marriage then you should think about seeing a marriage counselor as soon as
possible to shore up the relationship.

1. You don’t share common interests or activities anymore. If you used to be inseparable with your spouse but
now your spouse spends hours every night playing video games or going online in one room of the house and
you spend hours watching TV or talking to friends in another room of the house, or if you don’t do any activities
together anymore except fight that is a sign that your marriage is headed for trouble.

It’s normal for people to grow and change in a relationship. You and your partner might just be growing at
different speeds and you’ll find your way back to some common interests soon. But if not your marriage could
be headed for divorce. To try and stay connected to your partner during times when you don’t seem to have
much in common try finding new things that you can do together instead of focusing on what you used to do
together. Take a class together or start taking an interest in more of your partner’s hobbies. Do whatever you
can to try and find common ground.
2. You are both overly critical of each other. If all of those quirky habits that you used to find so endearing in
your partner now annoy you to death and you find yourself always snapping at your partner, or if your partner is
always snapping at you, it’s a sign that your marriage is in trouble. The constant nit picking and snapping is a
distancing behavior that people use to carve out space in a relationship. If it continues unchecked you will end
up hating your spouse, or your spouse could end up hating you. And when someone is overly critical of you it
usually means they are comparing you to someone else and that you are coming up short. Whether that other
person is real or imagined if you don’t take steps to fix the relationship when there is that kind of criticism going
on your marriage is in trouble.

3. Your spouse drastically changes his or her appearance. It’s normal for people to change their appearance in
little ways during the course of a relationship. But if your spouse has been “comfortable” and not taken too
much interest in looking great for a few months and suddenly starts working out, or cuts and dyes his or her
hair, or make some other radical change in appearance that’s a very big warning sign that your spouse is
looking for interest from other people and may be thinking about cheating.

4. You and your spouse tune each other out. While fighting constantly is one sign that your marriage could be in
trouble not fighting or communicating at all is another sign that you could be headed for serious problems.
When you and your spouse start tuning each other out and withdrawing to separate areas of the house instead
of talking you need to start seeing a marriage counselor. No marriage can survive if the partners in the marriage
just stop trying to communicate. For any marriage communication is important and it’s even more important for
a marriage in trouble. When you both have stopped even trying to talk about your problems it’s time to see a
professional or accept that your marriage will probably end in divorce.

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5. Your partner stops telling you important things. If your spouse used to call you every time something great
happened at work or every time he or she accomplished something, got a promotion, or got chosen for some
honor and now you’re the last to know when something good or bad happens to your spouse it’s a sign that
your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse should be telling you all the good and bad things that happen in his or
her life first, and you should be doing the same thing. If either of you stops turning to your spouse to share the
good and the bad parts of life it’s a sign that there is an emotional distance growing in the marriage.

Sometimes those emotional distance periods are just a normal part of marriage, but some professional
counseling can help you and your spouse determine if you both really want to keep trying to make the marriage
work or if a separation or a divorce is the best thing for the two of you.

DEALING WITH ALCOHOLISM OR DRUG USE IN A MARRIAGE

Alcoholism and drug abuse can rip apart a marriage. Often the spouse that ends up having a problem with
alcohol or drugs was not an addict when the couple got married which makes it even harder for the spouse of
that person to accept that there is a problem. Even you though see physical and emotional changes in your
spouse because of the alcohol or drug use you might be reluctant to accept that your spouse is abusing drugs
or alcohol because of the impact that it will have on your relationship and your family.

But the impact that excessive drug use or alcohol consumption has on a family will happen whether you
acknowledge it or not, so you and your family will be better off if you face the problem head on and deal with it
as a family rather than sweeping it under the rug and letting the abuse continue. Very few alcoholics or drug
addicts will take steps to break the addiction on their own. You will most likely have to step in and confront your
spouse in order to get them to admit that they have a problem with alcohol or drugs and that can take a heavy
toll on a marriage.

Divorcing a spouse with an alcohol or drug problem is always an option and if you feel that you emotionally
can’t handle your spouse’s addiction or if your spouse refuses to admit that he or she has a problem and get
help then it might be the right option for you. But if you really love your spouse and you want to make the
marriage work and your spouse is open to changing you can also make a commitment to stay and work through
the problem.

If you decide to stay you need to take control of the situation. Insist that your addicted spouse go to a 12 step
program or a support group in order to quit drinking or taking drugs. You also need to make sure that your
spouse gets individual counseling so that your spouse and his or her therapist can treat whatever problem
caused the addiction in the first place. If you have kids then you should all attend family therapy where a trained
counselor can help you and the kids and your spouse heal from the damage caused by your spouse’s
addiction.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself either. In all the chaos of helping everyone else in the household deal with
the alcoholism or drug addiction that is threatening your marriage it’s easy to forget that you have been affected
by your spouse’s addiction as well. There are many support groups for the family members of alcoholics and
drug addicts that can give you the emotional support you need as well as the emotional coping tools that will
help you work through your spouse’s addiction and come out of it with a stronger marriage.

You should consider getting some individual counseling as well. Many insurance companies will cover family
and private counseling so if you’re struggling to make your marriage with a spouse that’s addicted to drugs or
an alcoholic work check and see if your insurance will pay for some counseling to help you.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH INFIDELITY IN A MARRIAGE

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Being unfaithful is one of the worst things that one spouse can do to another, and yet millions of spouses cheat

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on their partners every year. The emotional betrayal of infidelity can destroy a marriage even if the infidelity is
never disclosed to the other partner. The partner that was cheated on often takes a big hit to their self-esteem
and has to suffer from the emotional impact of that as well as the emotional impact of his or her partner
breaking their marriage vows.

But infidelity doesn’t have to destroy your marriage. The saying “once a cheat, always a cheat” isn’t necessarily
true. Sometimes problems within the marriage that lead to one partner being unfaithful can be solved if the
couple can work through the infidelity of one partner and the marriage can be saved. It’s not easy to save a
marriage after there has been infidelity but it is possible if both partners really want to stay together.

You will need to get some professional couples counseling to help you deal with the after effects of one spouse
cheating on the other. The best way to truly resolve the issues that come up when dealing with infidelity is to
work through them with a trained counselor. But there are also some other things that you can do to start
repairing the relationship while you work on it in counseling:

Acknowledge the affair. Don’t pretend like nothing happened or ignore the issue. One of the people in the
marriage broke the trust of the other. Say it out loud. Own it. Name it. You can’t get past it until you full
acknowledge the problem.

End the affair. The person that is doing the cheating needs to end the affair immediately, if possible in front of
their spouse so that the spouse knows it’s really over. No healing can being until the affair is ended and both
partners are ready to work on rebuilding their own relationship.

Be patient. Rebuilding trust between two spouses after a huge betrayal like an affair can take a lot of time. The
spouse that was unfaithful needs to be understanding and sensitive and really go out of his or her way to prove
to the other spouse that he or she can be trusted again. The spouse that was cheated on needs to let
themselves feel sad, and angry and betrayed for as long as they need to before being ready to move on and try
to fix the relationship.

Fixing a marriage after infidelity isn’t easy, and it can take a long time. But if both people in the marriage truly
want the marriage to last it is possible to work through a huge betrayal like infidelity and not end up divorcing
because of it. It takes a lot of time, commitment and love from both partners but it can be done.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH FINANCIAL PROBLEMS IN A MARRIAGE

Financial problems are the number one reason that couples get divorced. So if anything breaks up your
marriage chances are it will be the stress of dealing with financial issues. All it takes for one spouse to be out of
work, or to develop a health condition that prevents them from working, or for some other financial crisis to
occur and a marriage that was very strong can fall apart very quickly.

But money worries don’t have to derail your marriage. Your marriage can survive financial problems if you know
how to handle them and how to work with your partner to solve your financial problems instead of turning away
from your partner and bearing the burden of all that stress by yourself. Here are some tips to help you deal with
financial problems within your marriage:

Stay calm. Even when you’re worried about losing your house or your car or the creditors are calling the house
everyday you need to stay calm. When you react to a situation out of fear or panic you will make bad decisions
that might leave you in a worse situation than you’re in now.

Talk to your spouse. Together you need to sit down and make a financial plan to deal with the mounting debt.
Go over all over your assets and see how much you can really afford to pay on your debts. Try to pay off as
many

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small debts as you can before tackling the larger ones.

Agree to stop spending. This is a very important step! You and your spouse need to agree to stop spending
money on things that you don’t need. Put away the credit cards and start using cash for everything. When the
cash is gone, you can’t spend anymore money.

Stay focused on solutions, not blame. It’s easy to get into the blame game and start blaming each other for the
financial mess that you’re in but that won’t help either of you get out of the mess and it will only weaken your
marriage during a time when it’s already being tested. You need to stick together as a couple during the hard
times like during a financial crisis. You need to work together to find solutions to your debt problems instead of
just blaming each other for your debt.

Get professional help. If you and your spouse are in over your head financially then you need to get
professional help to get out. Call a credit counseling service or work with a personal financial coach that can
help the two of you get out of debt as a couple without those financial problems ripping apart your marriage.

Financial problems are serious and they can cause cracks in even the strongest marriage so if you notice that
you’re starting to feel an economic pinch or you’re worried that you be headed for some financial problems don’t
wait to get help. Take a pro-active stance and start getting help as soon as you think there is a problem.

HOW TO GET THROUGH THE HARD TIMES

Every marriage goes through some hard times. How you deal with those hard times is what will make the
difference in the long run. If you don’t know how to keep the relationship going when things are rough or if you
aren’t committed to working through the bad times then your marriage will fall apart. But if you are committed
to working through any situation, even the difficult ones, and you follow these tips for getting through those hard
times your marriage can be one of the few that last in the long run.

 Stay friends – Passion in a marriage will come and go, but if you are always friends you will always
enjoy just being around each other and doing things together. That will help bring the passion back into
your life. Take walks together or go to the Farmer’s Market together on Saturday mornings or do some
other activity that you used to enjoy doing when you were dating. Remember that your marriage is
based on friendship and not just on sex.

 Treat each other kindly – Sometimes stress from work, the kids, or other sources will make your spouse
crabby and irritable and likely to start a fight. Instead of responding in an angry way and starting a fight
do something kind for your spouse to help him or her relax and feel better. Give them a massage, or a
draw a hot bath for them, or tell them to go out and do something fun for themselves while you clean the
house or watch the kids. That one kind gesture can make a huge difference in the strength of your
marriage.

 Celebrate your differences. After awhile even the most devoted couples can fall into a rut where they do
the same things everyday, dress the same way everyday and have the same routine week after week
after week. But when you were first dating you loved the differences that set you apart from each other
so celebrate those differences again. Start to be more independent. Shake up the routine. Start to be
yourself again and you’ll notice your spouse will be interested in you all over again.

 Agree to disagree on some issues. No matter how well attuned you are as a couple you will never agree
on every issue. Instead of digging in and fighting tooth and nail over every issue agree to disagree on
some of the smaller issues and just let them go. It will make your relationship more peaceful and it will
cause you both a lot less stress and anxiety.

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  Keep building the partnership. Marriages are partnerships, and in order for that partnership to last you
need to continually build up trust with the other person. Even when you’re in the middle of a bad patch
try to do things that will build trust like always doing what you say you will do.

10 MISTAKES THAT CAN KILL YOUR MARRIAGE

Getting married is usually pretty easy, but staying married requires a lot of work and commitment. It’s not
always large mistakes that can end up destroying a marriage, sometimes small mistakes that are never really
talked about or dealt with can end up being the reason that a marriage falls apart. If you really want your
marriage to last forever avoid making these common mistakes:

1. Disrespecting your spouse.

How many times have you joked with your friend about the “old ball and chain”? Or referred to your spouse as
“the warden”? Do you complain about your spouse and your spouse’s actions to your friends and family? That
kind of disrespect can end up ruining a marriage.

Not only will it give others the impression that you don’t really love your spouse and that you don’t really like
being married it will also give off the impression that it’s ok for them to disrespect your spouse also. But worst of
all when you make comments like that day in and day out for months, and then years, eventually they will
change the way that you see your spouse. Sooner or later you will start to treat your spouse badly all because
of those daily disparaging remarks. So remember to always speak respectfully to your spouse and about your
spouse.

2. Being dishonest

Honesty is always the best policy, and a marriage must be based on a foundation of honesty and trust in order
to last. If you are dishonest with your spouse eventually your spouse will find out and then your spouse will
wonder what else you might be keeping from him or her. This applies to everything, not just big issues like
infidelity or financial concerns. If your spouse finds out you are dishonest about who you spend time with at
work or who you were really talking to on the computer your spouse will get suspicious even if there is no
reason to be. That’s human nature. Always be honest with your spouse.

3. Not making sex a priority.

Sex is a crucial part of a marriage. Couples that have unsatisfying or non-existent sex lives are at great risk for
getting divorced. It’s only normal that your sex drive and your spouse’s will ebb and flow, and you will go
through periods where neither of you is very interested in sex. When that happens you need to give each other
some space for a little bit and then try again, making sex a priority in your marriage. Be more romantic or more
attentive to your partner, or plan a special romantic getaway to get the fires of passion burning again. Do
whatever you think will work but make sex a priority in the relationship.

4. Not following through.

Good marriages are built on trust. Just like when you’re a parent and you build trust with a child by doing what
you say when you say you’ll do it you can also build trust with your spouse the same way. On the other hand if
you don’t do what you say you’ll do after you’ve said it then you will start chipping away at the other person’s
trust in you until the marriage is in deep trouble.

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5. Spending money without talking to your partner about it.

Most of the time if you want to spend a little discretionary money on items for yourself it’s not a big deal. But if
you start buying boats, vehicles, and other big ticket items or taking thousands of dollars out of your joint
accounts to go gambling or drinking with your friends and not telling your spouse about then you will definitely
end up destroying your marriage. You need to sit down with your spouse and agree that whenever either of you
wants to make a purchase over a certain amount of money you will consult the other partner in the marriage.

6. Being selfish.

When you’re married sometimes you will need to do things that you really don’t want to do. That is just part of
being married. So if you really don’t want to have your mother in law over, or watch a particular movie that your
spouse wants to see, or have a dinner party on a certain night sometimes you need to just agree to do
something you don’t really want to do. If you consistently refuse to do anything for anyone but yourself
eventually your spouse will start looking for a partner that is a bit more mature and knows that sometimes you
have to make some sacrifices in a marriage.

7. Being hurtful.

Always being sarcastic or putting your spouse down is considered by some people to be a form of humor but
the result of all those put downs is anything but funny. Putting down your spouse all the time or deliberately
saying mean or hurtful things isn’t funny, it’s abusive. And eventually your spouse will get sick of it and might
even consider divorce. If you think that making fun of your spouse is funny you might need to find a new sense
of humor or find a new spouse.

8. Having to have the last word.

Every couple argues, but if you can’t argue without having to have the last word every single time you will find
your marriage dissolving pretty quickly. Sometimes you just need to apologize and walk away. Always having to
be right and always having to have the last word are very unattractive qualities that might even make your
spouse decide that he or she wants to find a spouse that is more respectful and capable of having a
disagreement like a grownup instead of like a child.

9. Not listening to your spouse.

Listening is one of the most important skills that you can have as a spouse. Really listening to your spouse
shows respect, love and interest in what that person has to say. When you don’t even want to have a
conversation with your spouse and you can’t remember what your spouse last said to you it’s going to be hard
to convince your spouse that you really do value him or her.

10. Losing your temper.

Everyone loses their temper once and awhile, but if you are blowing your top at your spouse all the time,
especially over things that aren’t your spouse’s fault, you could be heading down an abusive path that could
really screw up your marriage. If you are always losing your temper even to your spouse and children then it’s
time to enroll in some anger management classes so that you can learn better how to control and manage your
anger. Dealing with anger in a healthy way is very important to the success of a marriage.

WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?

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Conflict and problems happen in every marriage, even in marriages that overall are very happy. So it can be
hard to know when the problems that you’re having are just normal problems that happen in every relationship
or if they are more serious and you should seek the help of a marriage counselor in order to help you deal with
them as a couple. As a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to enlist the help of a professional marriage
counselor if:

 You have suffered a major loss as a couple, like the loss of a child.

 One of partners in the marriage has undergone a life-changing event or injury like a car accident or has
developed a major illness.

 You suspect your partner is cheating on you.

 You have thought about cheating on your partner.

 Money problems are getting out of control.

 You feel like your partner has shut off and no longer listens to you.

 You are indifferent to your partner’s feelings and needs.

 You haven’t had sex with your partner in more than six months.

 You think your partner has a drug or alcohol problem.

 Problems with the children are driving a wedge between you and your partner.

 You and your partner are entering a new phase of life such as having your first baby or retiring.

 You feel that your partner is disrespectful to you.

 Your partner is abusive or you are becoming afraid of your partner’s temper or outbursts.

Whenever you feel like the marriage has become stagnant and that you and your partner are no longer
operating as a married couple it’s a good idea to start seeing a marriage counselor that can help you reconnect
with your partner and get your relationship back on track. If you don’t want to see a professional relationship
counselor there are also other options that you can try to get the help you need.

MARRIAGE ENCOUNTERS AND OTHER ALTERNATIVES TO

MARRIAGE COUNSELING
If you don’t feel like you and your spouse need to see a professional therapist but you do think that you need
something to get your marriage back on the right track you do have a few other options that you can try. Here
are just some of the choices that you can pick as an alternative to traditional marriage counseling:

WORLDWIDE MARRIAGE ENCOUNTERS

Marriage encounters like those originated by WWME are a chance for couples to get away and work on their
relationship privately and in group sessions with a group facilitator that is trained in communication methods.
Couples join other couples for a weekend at a hotel or resort and they participate in scheduled group sessions
with the other couples where the facilitator leads them through communication exercises and relationship

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building

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exercises. They also are given a lot of free time to work on their relationship and talk on their own.

Marriage encounters have a great reputation and have helped many couples that felt like they needed
something to jolt their marriage out of a rut or improve their communication skills with each other. Parents often
find that a marriage encounter weekend away from the stresses of being a parent are invaluable at rekindling
their relationship and helping them make their relationship a priority again.

RELATIONSHIP CLASSES AND SEMINARS

Lots of qualified relationship and marriage therapists offer group classes and seminars that focus on specific
relationship issues and try to teach couples the skills that they need to cope with the everyday stresses of life
that can chip away at a relationship. If you think that your marriage is starting to deteriorate because of stress
from work, or stress from parenting or other issues then taking a seminar or a class on how to get through
stressful times as a couple can be an easy way to get your relationship back on track.

Sometimes wives have an easier time getting their husbands to agree to attend a seminar that only takes up
two afternoons or a class once a week instead of getting them to agree to take a whole weekend away for a
marriage encounter weekend. So if you think your husband would probably not agree to see a professional
therapist or go on a marriage encounter weekend then look into the relationship seminars in your area to see if
you can convince him to go to one. Some relationship counselors now even offer seminars online.

RELIGIOUS COUNSELING
If your spouse is not willing to consider professional marriage counseling try to convince him or her to attend
religious counseling with a clergy member from your local church or temple. Often you can attend counseling
with the clergyman that married you, which might make the counseling go more smoothly. Sometimes people
that are hesitant to try professional marriage counseling feel more comfortable talking to a religious counselor
instead of a professional counselor.

In the end it doesn’t really matter which type of therapy or counseling works best for you and your spouse. What
matters the most is that you take the steps to find some type of program that will help you and your spouse
work through whatever difficulties you are having so that you can keep your marriage strong and intact.

Having a good marriage isn’t always easy but nothing worth having is easy to get. A marriage is a very special
relationship between two people and getting help to save that bond and learn how to make that bond stronger
shows that you are very committed to saving that relationship. Even if it seems like marriage counseling might
not work for your marriage you should keep trying. Try another type of counseling if you have to. Just don’t give
up on your marriage unless you are absolutely sure that you and your partner can’t make the marriage work.

HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Even though sometimes you might get overwhelmed by all the advice that people have about how to build a
strong marriage and how to have a healthy marriage according to the experts in order to live happily ever after
and have a great marriage that will last for the rest of your life there are really just five things that you need to
do. If you can do these five things you can build the kind of marriage that fairy tales were written about:

1. Listen to your spouse. It sounds so easy but it’s not. Really listening to someone else means more than just
hearing the words that they say. It means paying attention to their body language, their tone of voice, and the

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meaning behind the words that they speak.

If you want to practice your listening skills with your spouse try “mirroring” what your spouse says. When your
spouse says something to you answer your spouse by repeating what you heard them say in your own words.
At first you’ll be amazed at the difference between what you heard and what he or she actually said but after
awhile you’ll become a much better listener.

2. Make time for each other. When you’re newlyweds it’s easy to find time for each other. But as real life creeps
in and becomes more demanding you face stress from your job, your family, school, kids, and all the other
areas of your life and so does your spouse. It’s too easy for spouses to become more like roommates than a
married couple, passing each other in the hallway or the bathroom but never really being in the same place at
the same time.

Experts say that the way to combat the distance that will grow between you as you have more and more
demands on your time is to make special time just for the two of you to talk and reconnect. This can be taking a
weekend away once a month for a romantic getaway or it can be something as simple as taking the first hour
after you both get home from work to spend with each other having a drink and relaxing.

One prominent writer that writes lots of self help books on relationships says that her mother told her the secret
to her marriage that lasted more than forty years was that every day when her husband came home from work
she and her husband would go into the den and shut the door and talk. All the kids knew that the parents were
not to be interrupted unless one of them was seriously injured. Just taking one hour a day to be together as a
couple and to reconnect was enough to keep their relationship strong for decades. Expert couples therapists
say the same thing. Find a ritual like that for you and your spouse to help keep your relationship strong.

3. Fight fair. Conflicts and arguments are going to happen in any marriage, but that’s no excuse to fight dirty.
When you do have an argument or a fight with your spouse don’t call your spouse names, be insulting, or be
deliberately hurtful. Don’t drag up past fights or throw things. If you do have a fight or a conflict about something
handle it like an adult, not a toddler. It might be tempting to yell or scream like a three year old if you’re really
frustrated but that will make it a lot more difficult for your partner to respect you after the fight is over.

If you do have a fight the best way to cool off is to go your separate ways for a little while. Go to different rooms
in the house, or go to a friend’s house, the library, shopping, or even for a walk or a bike ride to give each other
some distance. Once you have both calmed down you can discuss whatever you were fighting about in a more
rational way. Also you should be prepared to agree to disagree and move on if you can’t come to an
understanding.

4. Keep the romance going. Even when it’s hard it’s important that you and your partner always keep the
romance alive in your relationship. When life is getting too demanding and you are starting to take your partner
for granted, or your partner is taking you for granted you need to slow down, step back, and remind yourself
why you both fell in love with each other to begin with.

There are lots of ways that you can inject a little romance into your relationship. Start going on dates once a
week where you don’t talk about work, the kids, or any other stressful topics that might kill the romantic mood.
Talk instead about your hopes and dreams, or a great book that you want to read or a movie that you really
want to see. Acting like a couple that is still dating will make you work harder to make the relationship romantic
again.

5. Ask for what you want. Even after a ten year marriage your spouse will not be able to read your mind. The
best marriages and the best relationships occur when partners can ask each other, nicely, for the things they

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want. This applies to all areas of life. You need to ask for you want out of the relationship, in the bedroom, as
parents

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and so on. Even if you think your spouse should be able to read your mind he or she will never be able to so
instead of resenting your spouse for picking the wrong Christmas present or the wrong engagement ring or the
wrong kind of cookie at the grocery store and getting mad at your spouse just ask, nicely, for what you want.

You will be amazed at how much better your relationship will be when you learn to just ask your partner for what
you need. When you’ve had a bad day and you need a massage and some emotional support don’t expect your
spouse to just know that you need that, ask for it. Chances are good that your spouse really wants to make
you happy and give you what you want but he or she just doesn’t know what that is. It really is that simple.
You can make your spouse happy and yourself happy simply by asking for what you need and want from the
relationship.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A LONG LASTING MARRIAGE
Most couples therapists and relationship experts agree that the key to making a marriage last is having
excellent communication skills. Most marriages fall apart when the people in that marriage stop trying to
communicate with each other and stop caring about trying to make the relationship work. It doesn’t matter if you
are just getting engaged or if you have been married for twenty years if you want to improve your marriage or
your relationship all you really have to do is learn how to communicate effectively.

Of course, it can be more difficult than it sounds to learn how to communicate effectively because
communication is really very complicated even though it seems very simple and everyone communicated
differently based on how they were raised and the communication that they observed between their parents. If
your parents knew how to communicate effectively and had a good marriage then you probably have a good
grasp of the communication skills that you need to have a good marriage. But if your parents weren’t very good
at communicating then you might need to take a refresher course in communication in order to learn how to
communicate more effectively with your partner.

Even if you don’t want to take a course in communication you can communicate much more effectively with
your partner and with other people around you by following these simple tips:

 Be calm – When you speak in an angry or excited tone of voice much of what you are trying to
communicate is lost in the emotion that you’re giving off. Try to speak calmly and quietly, especially
when you’re upset.

 Maintain eye contact- When someone is speaking to your or you are speaking to them look them in the
eye. You’ll be amazed at how much more you pay attention to what the other person is saying when you
maintain eye contact with them. Maintaining eye contact also lets the other person know that you are
really listening to him or her and that you aren’t being distracted by other things.

 Repeat what the other person said – In your own words paraphrase what the other person said to you in
your response to that person. That way the other person knows that you really heard what they said and
are listening.

 Chose your words carefully – If you don’t choose the right words then it’s very easy to people to
misunderstand what you’re saying. Make sure that you think for a few seconds before you speak so that
you have a chance to clearly form a thought in your mind

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CONCLUSION
Deciding to marry someone is probably the biggest decision you’ll ever make. It’s not a decision that you should
make lightly. Before you get engaged to be married you should ask yourself if you’re really ready to be married.
Even though it might seem like being married will always be wonderful and easy being married and staying
married is a lot of work. After the “honeymoon” phase being married requires a lengthy adjustment period while
both people in the couple learn to really live with each other day in and day out.

When children are involved in a marriage that can make things more difficult because the children might not
have an easy time adjusting to having a new family. It’s a very good idea to get professional family counseling if
you are getting married and you already have children from a previous relationship or if you soon to be spouse
does so that a trained professional can help you and the children make that adjustment.

A healthy marriage that is a real partnership between two adults that are committed to keeping their relationship
strong can be an amazing thing. Even though it might seem like the work that you have to do to maintain a
marriage will overshadow the marriage essentially if you learn how to communicate with your partner, always
respect your partner, and do whatever you can to keep the romance of the relationship alive then you will have
a long, happy marriage.

Keeping a marriage strong takes love, commitment, and preparation. But the benefits of a great marriage are
well worth the work. When things get difficult and you feel like the marriage is nothing but work remember how
lucky you felt when you got married to that special person and that will give you the inspiration you need to
keep working on the marriage.

May your marriage be a long and happy one filled with love and joy!

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