Shrek

Scene 1

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

Right this way. Don't mind the mud. You'll get used to it

FAIRY GODMOTHER

This place is a dump!

BIG BAD WOLF

It's not fit for a pig!

PIG #3

Hello!

PIG #2

Vee can hear you!

PIG #1

Vee are standing right here!

GUARD 1

Look, you all read Lord Farquaad's decree.

PINOCCHIO

Yeah, yeah, we read it. "All fairy tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc.

All fruitcakes and freaks are hereby evicted."

WHITE RABBIT

Um, excuse me. It smells like bum!

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

Alright, when I call your name, step forward.

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

Pinocchio, the puppet?

PINOCCHIO

Oh, I’m not a puppet, I’m a real boy! (PINOCCHIO’s nose grows - bwoop - beat - awkward laugh.)

GUARD 1

That’s your patch of mud down there.

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

Uh, Gingerbread Man? I said Gingerbread Man! Has anyone seen the Gingerbread Man?
FAIRY GODMOTHER

He’s been missing for days!

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

Oh yes, that’s right.

PINOCCHIO

Dumped on a swamp! Man, I tell ya, sometimes being a fairytale creature sucks pine-sap!

MUSIC - STORY OF MY LIFE

PAPA BEAR

Settle in everyone. Might as well make the best of things

PUSS IN BOOTS

Wow, this place reeks.

(SHREK comes back from his errand and can't believe his eyes. He's confused and angry.)

SHREK

What are you doing in my swamp?!

(FAIRYTALE CREATURES are terrified. )

WHITE RABBIT

Well gosh, we were forced to come here.

SHREK

Forced? By who?

PIG #2

Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eveection notice.

SHREK

Huh. Well, not my problem. Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came

from.

MAMA BEAR

Go back?! We can't go back!

PIG #1

Farquaad vill turn us into bratvurst!

HUMPTY DUMPTY

The guy's bad news.

PIG #3 (To SHREK)

BABY BEAR

Yeah, he'll listen to you! You're big and (takes a step back) scary.

SHREK

I'm also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven't you read

the stories?

WICKED WITCH

Look here, ogre, I'm gonna spell it out for ya. You're the only one tough enough to stand up to

that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.

SHREK

Tough enough? You don’t even know me! (FAIRYTALE CREATURES plead in various ways. SHREK

looks around. He rolls his eyes.) Okay, fine, I get it! Attention all fairytale ... things! I'm gonna go

see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

ALL FAIRYTALE CREATURES

Hooray! Yay! Thanks Ogre! Etc.

Scene 2
Music – What’s up Duloc
FARQUAAD

And now good people of Duloc, the moment you've all been waiting for!

The raffle drawing to determine who will have the honor of setting forth to rescue the lovely

Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon!

ALL

SHAKE. THAT. FISH BOWL!

(SHREK and DONKEY walk on)

SHREK

Uh, excuse me.

(THEY all look up, stunned. What's going to happen? SHREK sighs, and reluctantly

obliges. Roar.)

EVERYONE
(fleeing in terror) Ahhhh! What is that?! An ogre! No one is safe! He'll kill us all! Hide the

children! Ahhoocoahhh! Etc.

SHREK

Like I’ve never had that reaction before. Hey, are you Lord Farquaad?

FARQUAAD

Maybe. Does the name strike fear in your heart?

SHREK

No, but that little hat does.

FARQUAAD

Who let this thing in here?!

SHREK

Look, I'll be out of your silky hair just as soon as you gimme my swamp back.

FARQUAAD

Your swamp?

SHREK

Yes, where you dumped those fairytale creatures.

FARQUAAD

News flash, Ogre, that oozing mud pit is actually within the province of Duloc, and therefore

under my jurisdiction.

SHREK

Now look here, Half-Pint—

FARQUAAD

Wait a minute. Wait... a... minute, (chuckles) Oh this is too perfect.

SHREK

What is?

FARQUAAD

You! You're big and hulking and... wonderfully expendable. (to his audience) Good People of

Duloc, we have a winner!

Scene 3 (could be cut)

Helloooo! Anyone up there?!

(FIONA stops, and looks around, in a panic. Is this really it? After all these years? She

runs around straightening up. SHREK, meanwhile, climbs up the side of the tower

outside.)

SHREK

Shouldn't you toss down some hair or something? No? All right, oh well.

(FIONA leaps into her bed, and grabs a flower and strikes a Sleeping Beauty pose. SHREK

climbs in her window.)

SHREK

Phew. Ugh I hate climbing

(And then SHREK sees FIONA lying in her bed, eyes closed.)

SHREK

Aw great, I got one of the snoozers.

(SHREK approaches the bed, visor lowered. FIONA puckers her lips slightly. SHREK bends

over her... grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her.)

SHREK

Wake up!

FIONA

(being shaken) Uhl-uhl-uhl!

SHREK

Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK

Ah, that's nice. Now let's go.

FIONA

But wait, Sir Knight! I have long awaited this day! And I would'st first like to knowest the name

of my champion.

SHREK
Um... Shrek.

FIONA

Sir, Shrek…

SHREK

All right, let's go.

(SHREK offers a piggyback ride.)

FIONA

Now holdest on, Sir Knight. Don’t you want to savor this moment? It be-eth our first meeting. It

must be a wonderful and romantic scene.

(FIONA strikes a pose.)

SHREK

Aw geez, I'm like a crackpot magnet.

(DRAGON ROAR)

FIONA

You didn’t slay the dragon?

SHREK

It's on my to-do list. Come on!

(SHREK and FIONA climb down from the tower. DONKEY runs across the stage.)

SHREK

Donkey!

DONKEY

Shrek!

FIONA

He talks?!

SHREK

Yeah, but the real trick is getting him to shut up!

FIONA

(pointing offstage) DRAGON!!!!!!!

ALL

Run!!!!!

Scene 4
BISHOP

Citizens of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and

Queen. And as the warm glow of the setting sun lifts our hearts, so too does the–

FIONA

Um... Excuse me... ah... Could we just skip to the “I do's?”

BISHOP

Right, well then. Do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?

FARQUAAD

I do.

BISHOP

And do you, Princess Fio—

SHREK

Stop the wedding!

(FIONA reacts in shock and hope. SHREK enters, joined by the FAIRY TALE CREATURES.)

FIONA

Shrek!?

FARQUAAD

Really?! Showing up uninvited with your freaky friends? Ewww!

SHREK

Fiona - I need to talk to you.

FIONA

Oh, now you want to talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me—

SHREK

But you can’t marry him!

FIONA

And why not?

SHREK

Because — because he's just marrying you so he can be King.

FARQUAAD

That is outrageous!! Fiona, don’t listen to him!

SHREK
He's not your true love.

FARQUAAD

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

FIONA

Stop the wedding!

FIONA IS AN OGRE

(EVERYONE turns, and gasps! FIONA has transformed into an ogress. Neither FARQUAAD

nor SHREK are quite sure who it is.)

SHREK

Fiona?

FIONA

I wanted to show you before.

(Fiona orge transformation)

SHREK

Well, ah... that explains a lot.

FARQUAAD

(backs away, horrified) Ew. Ew-ew-ew-ewww! It's disgusting!

(Shrek knocks out Farquaad)

FIONA

You were saying?

SHREK

I'm your true love, Fiona.

FIONA

Yeah I know, and I'm yours.

(SHREK leans in and kisses her as GUARDS hold up a “CENSORED’ sign so the audience

can't see the kiss.)

CROWD

Awwww!

DONKEY
Oooh! Y'all got to watch this! Now that she and Shrek kissed, she’s gonna change back into a

beautiful princess. You just wait and see. This is gonna be crazy!!! Tell ‘em the poem — tell ‘em

the poem!

(The CROWD gathers around FIONA blocking her from the audience’s view. The

STORYTELLERS step forward.)

STORYTELLER 1

“By day one way, by night another — this shall be the norm—

STORYTELLER 2

Until you find true love's first kiss—

STORYTELLER 3

And then take love's true form!

ALL

True form... true form... true form...”

(The CROWD reveals FIONA, still an ogress.)

SHREK

Fiona... are you alright?

(FIONA looks at herself, dismayed.)

FIONA

Well, yes... but... I don’t understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

SHREK

But you are beautiful.

MUSIC – I’m a believer