ALICE IN WONDERLAND

IN FIVE ACTS

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Title: ALICE IN WONDERLAND, IN FIVE ACTS

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Language: English

Subject: Fiction, Literature

'LJLWDOPublisher: World Public Library Association

Copyright © 20, All Rights Reserved Worldwide by World Public Library, www.WorldLibrary.net
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 ... ~f" •

. • . CAST. • •

ALICE. CHESHIRE CAT.

KING OF HEARTS. FROG FOOTMAN.
QUEEN OF HEARTS. FISH FOOTMAN.
KNAVE OF HEARTS. THE LORY.
WHITE QUEEN. THE DODO.
WHITE KNIGHT. DUCK.
THE DUCHESS. FIRST GUINEA-PIG.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. . SECOND GUINEA PIG.
TWEEDLEDUM. BILL THE LIZARD.
TWEEDLEDEE. THE COOK.
THE HATTER. THE BABY.
MARCH HARE. PIGEON.
WHITE RABBIT. EXECUTIONER.
CATERPILLAR. TWO OF CLUBS.
,
MOCK TURTLE. FIVE OF CLUBS.
GRYPHON. SEVEN OF CLUBS.
MOUSE. FIRST OFFICER.
DORMOUSE. SECOND OFFICER.

1
1
1
--- .. ----..-":- - - .. - - - -~.~.
 ACT I.
IIallwith table lejt, small door right, rather dark.

Enter RABBIT.

RABBIT (hurriedly). Oh, dear! oh, dear! I shall be too late (looks
at watch). Oh, my ears and whiskers! Oh, my fur! Oh, my dear
paws! How late it's getting! Oh, the Duchess! tbe Duchess! She
will get me executed as sure as ferrets is ferrets.

Enter ALICE.

ALICE. Oh, what a fall I've had down that hole, and yet I'm not
in the least hurt. I wonder how many miles I fell. I must be
somewhere near the qenter of the earth. Let me see. That would
be four thousand miles down, I think; yes, that's about the right
distance, but then I wonder what latitude or longitude I've got to.
I wonder if I fell right throu;}h the earth! How funny it'll seem to
come out among the people that walk with their heads do\vnwards.
The Antipathies, I think, but I shall have to ask tllem what the
name of the country is, you know. Please, ma'am, is this New
Zealand or Australia? (curtsie8) and what an ignorant little girl
she'll think me for asking. No, it'll never do to ask; perhaps I
shall see it written up somewhere.
Now, how shall I get out? (sees door at left, runs to it, finds it
locked). Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What shall I do? (walk8 towards
table, and 8ees key on it). Perhaps this is the key (takes it, runs
to door, unlocks it but finds it too small, looks through the door). Oh,
what a lovely garden! How I long to get into it, and out of this
dark hall, but I can't even get my head through; and even if my
head would go through, it would be of very little use without my
shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I
think I could, if I only knew how to begin. So many out-of-the-
way things have happened lately that I don't believe anything would
be impossible (lock8 the door, and 8aunters back to table, put8 the key
... - ~n it, and finds bottle on, it). It is all very well to say drink me, but
, am not going to do that in a hUrry. No, I look first and see
'lether it is marked" Poison" or not. Well, it's not marked
'oison," so I taste it (tastes). Why, it's very nice. It tastes like
 6

cherry tart, and custard, and pineapple, and roast turkey, and taffy,
and hot buttered toast (drinks it all). What a curious feeling (grow8
small). I must be shutting up like a telesco-pee I will wait for a
moment, and see if I shrink any more, for it might end in my going
out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then.
What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown
out? Well, now for the garden (rltn8 to (loor and finds it locked, re-
turns to table for key, unable to reaclt it, sits down and cries). Come,
there's no use in crying like that. I advise you to leave off this
minute (8ees box under table, opens it, finds cake).

EAT ME.
Well, I'll eat it, and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the
key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door;
so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which
happens! (anxiously eating a little) which way! which way! (fini8hes
cake, and goes behind the table. Putsfal8ejigure in front of her, show-
ing only her head, and mounts on steps behind table).
Curiouser and curiouser; now I'm opening out like the largest
- telescope that ever wasl Good-by, feet. Oh, my poor little feet, I
wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now,
deal-s. I'm sure I shan't be able 1 I shall be a great deal too far off
to trouble myself about you; you must manage the best way you can;
but I must be kind to them, or perhaps they won't walk the way
I want to go. Let me see: I'll give them a new pair of boots every
Christmas. They will have to go by the carrier, and how funny it'll
seem, sending presents to one's own feet! And how odd tlle direc-
tions will look !
ALICE'S RIGHT FOOT, ESQ_,
Hearthrug,
near the Fender,
(with Alice's love).
Oh, dear, what nonsense I'm talking! and now I'm so tall I can't
get through the door. What shall I do (cries). You OUgllt to be
ashamed of yourself, a great girl like you to go on crying in that
way 1 Stop this moment, I tell you 1 (by degrees grows smaller until
she is her natural heigllt).
Enter RABBIT.

RABBIT. Oh, my poor paws! Oh, my fur and wlliskers! Oh, the
Duchess, the Duchessl Oh, won't she be savage if I have kept her
waiting.
 i
ALICE. If you please, sir - (RABBIT -starts, drops gloves andfan).

EXIT.

A.LlCE (picking up glove andfan, andfanning herself). Dear, dear!

How queer everything is to-day 1 I wonder if I've been changed in
the night. Let me think; was I the same when I got up this
IIlorning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.
I'll try and say "How doth the little-O" (crosses her hands).

" How doth the little crocodile

Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale !
"How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in
With gently smiling jaws!"

I am sure those are not the right words. Oh, dear! (with a burst
of tears). I do wish some one would come. I am so very tired of ..
being here all alone.
Enter MOUSE.
ALICE (aside). Would it be of any use, now, to speak to this
mouse? Everything is so out of the way down here, that I should
think very likely it can talk; at any rate there's no harm in trying.
o Mouse, do you know the way out of this hall? (aside). This
must be the right way of addressing a mouse, for I remember in my
brother's Latin grammar that it says a mouse, of a mouse, to a
mous~, a mouse, 0 mouse (MOUSE looks at her and winks). Per-
haps it doesn't understand EnglIsh. I dare say it's a French mouse,
come over with William the Conqueror. Let me see, I remeruber
one sentence in my French lesson book; perhaps he will understand
that. Ott est ma chatte (MOusEju'Inps with fright). Oh, I beg your
pardon; I quite forgot you didn't like cats.
MOUSE (in a shrill, angry voice). Not like cats! Would you like
cats if you were me ?
ALICE (in a soothing tone). Well, perhaps not; don't be angry about
it. And yet I wish I could show you our cat Dinah. I think you'd
take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. She is such a dear
quiet thing, and she sits purring so nicely by the fire, licking her
paws and washing ller face - and she is such a nice soft thing to
nurse, and she's SUCll a capital one for catching mice - Oh, I beg your

~ _ _ -LA. __ • • __
 8
pardon! (MOUSE shows s-igns of fear). We won't talk about herany
more if you'd rather not.
MOUSE. We, indeed! (trelnbling). As if I would talk on such a
subject! Our family always hated cats, nasty, low, vulgar things!
Don't let me hear the name again!
ALICE. I won't indeed! (in a great hurry to change the subject oj
con;oersation). Are you - are you fond - of - of dogs? (eagerly).
There is such a nice little dog near our house I should like to show
you! A little bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh! such IODg
curly brown hair! And it'll fetch things when you throw them, and
it'll sit up and beg for its dinner, and all sorts of things - I can't re-
member half of them-and it belongs to a farmer, you know, and
he says it's so useful, it's worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills
all the rats and - Oh, dear! I'm afraid I've offended it again (MOUSB
starts to go). Mouse dear, do come back, and we won't talk about
cats or dogs, either, if you don't like them.
MOUSE (returning, w-ith a trembling voice). I will tell you my his-
tory, and you will understand why it is that I hate cats and dogs.

Enter LORY, EAGLET, DODO,' LIZARD, AND OTHER ANIMALS (all con-
verse together).

LORY (to ALICE). I'm older than you, and must know better.
ALICE. 'VeIl, how old are you then?
LORY. That's not your affair. I refuse to tell.
ALICE (to MOUSE). Why are they so wet?
MOUSE. They all slipped into a pool. Sit down all and listen to
me (all sit with MOUSE in the center). I'll soon make you dry enough.
Ahem! (with an important air), are you all ready? This is the driest
thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! William tIle Con-
queror, whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to
by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much ac-
customed to usul'pation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls
of Mercia and Northumbria-
LORY (sh-ivering). Ugh!
MOUSE. I beg your pardon, did you speak?
LORY (hastily). Not I.
MOUSE. I thought you did. I proceed. Edwin and Morcar,
the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him; and even
Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisa-
ble-
DUCK. Found what'
MOUSE. Found it; of course you know what it means .

..
 9
DUCK. I know what" it" means well enougll when I find a thing;
it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, wllat did the arch-
bishop find ?
MOUSE (hurriedly). Found it advisable to go with Edgar Athel-
ing to meet William and offer him the crOWD. William's conduct at
first was moderate. But tbe insolence of his Normans - (to ALIOE)
How are you getting on now, my dear?
ALICE. As wet as ever; it doesn't seem to dry me at all.
DODO. In that case (solemnly, rising to its feet) I move that the
meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic
remedies-
EAGLET. Speak English! I don't know the meaning of half
those long words, and wllat's more, I don't believe you do either!
(bird8 titter).
DODO. What I was going to say was, that the best thing to get
us dry would be a CaucuR race.
ALICE. What is a Caucus race.
DODO. The best way to explain it is to do it (marks out a course.
All run round the stage in conjusion). The race is over.
ALL (panting). But who has won?
DODO (thinks). Everybody has won.
EAGLET. But who is to give the prizes?
DODO (pointing to ALICE). She, of course!
ALL (crowding round ALICE). Prizes! Prizes!
ALICE corifused. Puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out box of
comJi,ts and hands them round one apiece.
MOUSE. But she must have a prize herself, you know.
DODO. Of course. (To ALICE) What else llave you got in your
pocket?
ALICE (sadly).Only a thimble.
DODO. Hand it over here (all crowd round the DODO, who solemnly
presents thimble to ALICE). We beg your acceptance of this elegant
thimble.
cheer. A II eat COlnjitS.
ALI..
ALL (to the MOUSE). Ob, please tell us something more.
ALICE. You promised to tell me your history, you know, and wby
it is you hate "C " and " D."
MOUSE (turning to ALICE and sighs). Mine is a long, sad tale.
ALICE. tt is a long tail, certainly, but WIlY do you call it sad l'
MOUSE. You are not attending. What are you thinking of?
ALICE (humbly). I beg your pardon. You had got to the fifth
bed, I think?
MOUSE. I had not.
 10
ALICE (looking at hi8 tail). A knot. Oh, do let me help to undo
it.
MOU8E. I shall do nothing of the sort. You insult me by talking
such nonaense.
EXIT.

ALICE. I didn't mean it. But you are so easily offended, you
know. Please come back and finish your story.
LOBY. What a pity it wouldn't stay. (To ALICE) But what is your
Idea of his tail? Come, now that you have offended him, you must
tell us.
ALImc. Why, I think it must be something like this:-
Fury said to a mouse
That he met in the house,
"Let us both go to law;
I will prosecute you.
Come, rll take no denial;
We must have a trial,
For, really, this morning
I've nothing to do."
Said the mouse to the cur,
" Such a trial, dear sir,
With no jury or judge,
Would be wasting our breath."
"I'll be judge, I'll be jury,"
Said cunning old Fury;
" I'll try the whole cause,
And condemn you to death."
(All dan.ce.) (Ourtain. )

(END OF ACT I.)

 ACT n.
SCENE I. WOOD SCENE.
MU8hroo1n with CATERPILLAR smoking on it, ALICE.
CATERPILLAR (ojter looking at ALICE for some time). Who aro you'
ALICE (rather shyly). I - I hardly know, sir, just at present- at
least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I
must have been changed several times since then.
CATERPILLAR. What do you mean by ,that? (sternly). Explain
yourself!
ALICE. I can't explain mY8elf, I'm afraid, sir, because I'm not
myself, you see.
CATERPILLAR. I don't see.
ALICE. I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly, for I can't under-
stand it myseU, to begin with; and being so many di:fferent sizes in a
day is very confusing.
CATERPILLAR. It isn't.
ALICE. Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet, but when you
have to turn into a chrysalis-you will some day, you know- and
then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little
queer, won't you?
CATERPILLAR. Not a bit.
ALICE. Well, perhaps your feelings may be di:fferent. All I know
is, it would feel very queer to me.
CATEBPILLAR. You I (contemptuously). Who are you'
ALICE (irritated, drawing her8elf :up "erg gra"ely). I think you
ought to tell me who you are, first.
CATERPILL.A..B. Why?
ALICE, offended, tUrnB to go.
CATERPILLAR. Come back! I've something important to say.
(ALICE return8.) Keep your temper!
ALICE. Is that all?
CATERPILLAR. No (smoke8 for some time, then takes his hooker
from his mou.th and unfolds hi8 arms). So you think you're changed,
do you?
ATdCE. I'm afraid I am, sir. I can't remember things as I used,
and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together.
CATERPILLAR. Can't remember what things?
11
 1~

ALICE. Well, I've tried to say, "How Doth the Little Busy Bee,"
but it all came different!
CATEBPILLAR. Repeat" You Are Old, Father William."
ALICE (repeats).

" 'You are old, father WUliam,' the young man said,
'And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'
" , In my youth' father William replied to Ids son,
, I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.'
" , You are old,' said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door-
Pray what is the reason of that?'
" , In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,
, I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box-
Allow me to sell you a couple.'
'" You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak:
Pray, how did you manage to do it?'
'" In my youth,' said his father, ' I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw
Has lasted the rest of my life.'
"'You are old,' said the youth; 'one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-
What made you so awfully clever? '
" , I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'
Said his father; 'don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff ?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstai rs I ' "

CATERPILLAR. That is not right.

 18
ALICE. Not quite right, I'm afraid; some of the words have got
altered.
CATERPILLAR. It is wrong from beginning to end (long pause).
Do you like singing'
ALICE. When it's good.
CATERPILLAR. You mean you would like to hear me sing?
ALICE (doubifully). Yes.
CATERPILLAR. Then listen and don't interrupt (sing8).
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe ;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
'rhe jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch I "
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sOl.lght-
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in tbought.
And as in uffish thought be stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffing through the tugley wood,
And bUl"bled as it came! .
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
" And hast thou slain the Jabbel"wock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
o frabjous day! Cal1ooh!,. Callay I "
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, .- ..I' t--
And the mome raths outgrabe. ~

[d4DR:---itt-t!Mi&1rw!L..:v!:e~·ry pretty, but it's rather

CATERPILLAR (8tOp8 81no rom the 7nu8Aroom,
--
 14
crawLa away). One side will make you grow taller, and one s· e
ake you grow shorter.
AI~I One side of what?
Of the mushroom, stupid.

EXIT.

ALICE takes a ·(~c(~ in eacl, hand, and begiJ1..~ to eat.

ALICE. I'm gro ·ng taller (runs behind mushroo ,and comes out
on the other side talle and runs off stage, Iter head, eappearing abole
the trees).
PIGEON (amo'Jtg the tre ). Serpent!
ALICE. I'm not a serpe t! (indignantly).
PIGEON. Serpent, I say a ain! I've trie every way, and nothing
seems to suit them!
ALICE. I haven"t the least i a wha ou're talking about.
PIGEON. I've tried the roots f tr s, and I've tried banks, and
I've tried hedges, but those serp I There's no pleasing them!
As if it wasn't trouble enough ha g the eggs, but I must be on
the look-out for serpents night a da I Why, I haven't had a wink
of sleep these three weeks!
ALICE. I'm very sorry you' e been an oyed.
PIGEON. And just as I'd en the high t tree in the wood (rais-
ing its 'Doice to a shriek), an just as I was t ·nking I should be free
of them at last, they mus eeds come wriggli down from the sky!
Ugh! Serpent!
ALICE. But rm not serpent, I tell you! I'm -I'm a -
PIGEON. Well! tat are you? I can see you'r trying to invent
something!
ALICE. I - I' a little girl.
PIGEON. .A. r ely story indeed! I've seen a good any little
. girls in my tim, but never one with such a neck as that. No, no!
You're a serp' nt, and there's no use denying it. I suppos
'be tellfng next that you never tasted an egg!
ALICE. ha'De tasted eggs, certainly, but little girls eat
uch as serpents do, you know.
PIGE I don't believe it; but if they do, why, then they're a
f serpent, that's all I can say. You're looking for eggs,
that well enough; and what does it matteI' to me whether
e a little girl or a serpent?
LICE. It matters a good deal to me,. but I'm not looking for
e gs, as it happens; and if I was, I shouldn't want your8,. I don't
ke tllem raw.
 15

~-:J. . . . .~E and PIGEON.

SCENE II. THE SAKE.

ALICE, TWEEDLEDuH, and TWEEDLEDEE.
ALICE gaze8 at TWEEDLEDEE and TWEEDLEDUH.
TWEEDLEDUM. If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay,
you know. Waxworks weren't made to be looked at for nothing.
Nohow!
TWEEDLEDEE. Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you ought
to speak.
ALICE. I'm sure I'm very sorry. (Aside) The words of the old
song keep running tllrough my ear like the ticking of a clock (re-
peats).
"Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Agreed to have a battle;
For Tweedledum said Tweedledee
Had spoiled his nice new rattle.
" Just tben flew down a monstrous crow,
As black as a tar barrel;
Which frightened both the heroes so,
They quite forgot their quarrel."

TwEEDLEDUH. I know what you're thinking about, but it isn't

so, nohow.
TwEEDLEDEE. Contrariwise, if it was 80, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.
ALICE. I was thinking (politely) which is the best way out of
this wood; it·s getting so dal'k. Would you tell me, please?
(TWEEDLEDUM and TwEEDLEDEE grin at each other. ALICE point8 at
TWEEDLEDUK). First Boy !
TWEEDLEDUH. Nohow (shut8 hi8 mouth with a snap).
ALICE. Next boy!
TwBBDLEDBE. Contra.ri wise.
TWEEDLEDUM. You've begun wrong! The first thing in a' visit
is to say" How d'ye do?" and shake hands! (TWEEDLEDUM and
TWEEDLEDEE gi'De each other a hug, and hold out their hand8 to ALICE,
who ke8itates which one to 8hake .fir8t, and .finally takes both at a time,
and all three dance and sing, "Here we go round the mulberry bush."
TWEEDLEDUM. Four times round is enough fer one dance.
 16
ALICE (aside). What shall I say to them? It would never do
say &C How d'ye do? " to people that you have just been dancing wit
We seem to have got beyond that, somehow. I hope you are n
much tired?
TWEBDLEDUM. Nobow. And thank you fJery much for asking.
TwEEDLEDEE. So IIluck obligedl You like poetry?
ALICE. Ye-es, pretty well- sOlne poetry. Would you tell I
which road leads out of the wood?
TWBBDLEDEE. What shall I repeat to her?
TWEEDLEDUM. "The Walrus and the Carpenter" is the longE
(!fiDeS kis brother an affectionate hug).
TWEEDLEDEB. "The sun was shining - "
ALICE. Would you please tell me fil-St which road-
TWEEDL.;nEE (slll.iles and repeats).
" The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might;
He did llis very best to make
The billows smooth and bright-
And this was odd, because it was
TIle middle of the nigllt.
"The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done-
'It's very rude of him,' she said,
, To come and spoil the fun! '
" The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dryas dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky;
No birds were flying overhead-
There were no birds to fly.
"The Walrus and the (Jarpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand.
C If this were only cleared away,'

They said, ' it would be grand!'

'" If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
 17
'Do you SUPllose,' tbe Walrus said,
, That they could get it clear? '
'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
" , 0 Oysters, come and walk witll us! '
The Walrus did beseech.
, A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach;
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.
" The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said;
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook llis heavy head -
1\Jeaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
"But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat;
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat-
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet .
. " Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and nlore, and more -
All hopping thl·ough the frotby waves,
And scralnbling to the shore.
" The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low,
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
'" The time has come,' the Walrus said,
, To talk of many things:
Of shoes - and ships - and sealing-wax-
Of cabbages - and kings-
And WIlY the sea is boiling bot-
And whether pigs have wings.'
 18
" 'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
, Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

" 'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,

, Is what we chiefly Deed;
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed -
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

" , But not on us!' the Oysters cried,

Turning a little blue.
, After such kindness that would be
A dismal thing to do! '
, The night is fine,' the Walrus said,
, Do you admire the view?

" , It was so kind of you to come!

And you are very nice! '
The Carpenter said nothing but
, Cut us another slice;
I wish you were not quite 80 deaf-
I've had to ask you twice!'

" , It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,

, To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
, The butter:'s spread too thick!'

'" I weep for you,' the Walrus said;

'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before llis streaming eyes.

" , 0 Oysters,' said the Carpenter,

, You've had a pleasant run!
 19
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none -
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten everyone."

ALICE. I like the Walrus best, because you see he was a little
sorry for the poor Oysters.
TwEEDLEDEE. He ate more than the Carpenter, though. You
see he held his handkerchief in front, so that the Carpenter couldn't
count how many he took. Contrariwise.
ALICE. '.rhat was mean! (indignantly). Then I like the Carpen-
ter best-if he didn't eat so many as the Walrus.
TWEEDLEDUM. But he ate as many as he could get.
ALICE. Well! They were both very unpleasant. (Grows dark.)
At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really it's com-
ing on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?
TWEEDLEDUM (spreads a large umbrella over himself and his brother,
and looks 'up into it). No, I don't think it is, at least - not under
here. Nohow.
ALICE. But it may rain outside1
TwEEDLEDEE. It may-if it chooses, we've no objection. Con-
trariwise.
ALICE. Selfish things! (TWEEDLEDUM springs out from under the
umbrella and seizes her by the wrist).
TWEEDLEDUM. Do you see that1 (voice choking with passion,
points at rattle on the ground).
ALICE. -It's only a rattle. Not a rattle-snake, you know, only an
old rattle, quite old and broken.
TWEEDLEDUlrI. I knew it was (stamps about wildly and tears
his hair). It's spoilt, of course (look8 at TWEEDLEDEE, who sits down,
and trys to hide under the umbrella).
ALICE (lays her hand on TwEEDLEDUM'S arm, speaksin a soothing
tone). You needn't be so angry about an old rattle.
TWEEDLEDUM. But it isn't old! It's new, I tell you - I bought
it yesterday - my nice NEW RATTLE r (Tweedledee trie8 to fold
himself up in the umbrella).
TWEEDLEDUH. Of course you agree to have a battle, Tweedledee?
TWEEDLEDEE (sulkily). I suppose so (trie8 to crawl out of the
umbrella), only she must help us to dress up, you know.
Exit TWEEDLEDUH and TWEEDLEDEE.
Reenter TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE with their armsfull. ALICE
puts bolster round the neck of TWEEDLEDEE.
 20
T"·KEJ)I"KJ)K.:. "rhiK is to keep my head froID being cut off
(!lrflrelll). You know it's one of the most serious things that can
))o8sibly ba))pen to one ina battle - to get one's head cut off.
AJ"ICE laug/ut , lUlf t"ruM it into a cough.
"r\\"EEDLEU(·M. Do I look very pale? (hand8 ALICE a helmet,
lohich s/,e tielt 011).
AI"ICE. \Vell-yeR-a-little.
T'\YEEul"Ent·y, I'm very brave generally, only to-day I happen to
bave a headache.
T\VEEDLEUfo:E. .&-\nd r ~e got a toothache! I'm far worse than
you!
AI"IC~. "rhen you'd better not tight to-day.
rrWEEDLEnelI. \Ve lUust llave a bit of a fight, but I don't care
about going on long. Wllat's the time now?
TWKEI)LEUEE (looks ot /tis toatrll). Half past four.
rrWEEDLEUV'~I. I~et'8 fight till six, and then have dinner.
T'VEEULEUEE. Very \vell; and sIte can watch us- only you'd
better not come 'oery close. I generally hit everything I can 8ee-
when I get really excited.
T'VE~;DLEDU~I. And I hit eVel"ytlling within reach, whether I can
see it or not!
ALICE (lauyhiny). You must hit the trees pretty often, I should
think.
TWEEI)LEDU~I (toit", a satisfied smile). I don't suppose there'll be
a tree left standing for ever so far round, by the time we've fin-
ished!
ALICE. And all about a rattle!
TWEJt~DLEDU~1. I shouldn't have minded it so much if it hadn't
been a ne,v one.
ALICE (a.~ide). I ,vish the monstrous cro,v would come!
TWEEDI.. EDU~1. There's only one sword, you know; but you can
have the umbrella - it's quite as sharp. Only we must begin quick.
It's getting as dark as it can.
T'VEEDI"EDEE. And darker (!lrOt08 ~udtlenly dark).
ALICE. What a thick black cloud that is! And how fast it comes!
Why, I do believe it's got wings!
TWEEDLEDUl\I (zoith alarJn). It's the crow.

Exit TWJ4~EDLEDU~I and T'VEEDLEDEE; g'rolos very dark, and a

sound of win(l, then grolos light. A 811-awl blow8 onto the stage
wltic/I- ALICE catches.

AI"ICE. \Vhy, whose sha\vl is this? (Enter \VHITE QUEEN witlt

 21
both arms outspread. ALICE advances towards her and offers Iler the
8hawl and helps her put it on). I'm very glad I llappened to be in the
way. (WHITE QUEEN looks at her and repeats sOlnething in a whisper
to herself.)
ALICE (timidly). Am I addressing the White Queen?
WHITE QUEEN. Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn't my
notion of the thing at all.
ALICE (aside). It will never do to have an argument at the very
beginning of a conversation. (Aloud) If your Majesty will only tell
IIle the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can.
WHITE QUEEN. But I don't want it done at all! I've been a-dress-
ing myself for the last two bourse
ALICE (aside). It seems to me it would have been better if you
had got some one else to dress you, you are so dreadfully untidy.
Everything is crooked, and you are allover pins. (Aloud) May I
put your shawl straight for you ?
WHITE QUEEN (in a rnelancholy voice). I don't know what's the
matter with it! It's out of temper, I think. I've pinned it here,
and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it!
ALICE. It can't go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one
side; and dear me, what a state your hair is in!
WHITE QUEEN. The brush has got entangled in it! (sighs). And
I lost the comb yesterday.
ALICE (takes out brush, fixes /tair). Come, you look rather better
now! But really you should have a lady's maid!
WHITE QUEEN. I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure! Twopence
a week, and jam every other day_
ALICE (laughing). I don't want you to hir~ 1ne; and I don't care
for jam!
WHITE QUEEN. It's very good jam.
ALICE. Wen, I don't want any to-day, at any rate.
WHITE QUEEN. You couldn't have it if you did want it. The
rule is, jam to-morrow and jalD yesterday - but never jam to-day.
AT~ICE. It must come sometimes to jam to-day.
WHITE QUEEN. No, it can·t. It's jam every other day; to-day
isn't any othe'r day, you know.
AJ"ICE. I don't understand you. It's dreadfully confusingl
WHITE QUEEN. That's the effect of -living backwards; it always
makes one a little giddy at first-
ALICE (astonished). Living backwards! I never heard of such a
thing!
WHITE QUEEN. But there's one great advantage in it, that one's
memory works botll ways. ,.
 22
ALICE. I'm sure Jnin.e only works one way. I can't remember
things before they bappen.
WIIITE QUICKY. It·s a poor sort of memory that only works back-
wards.
A I ... ICE. What sort of things do you remember best?
WHITE QUEEN. Oh, things that bappened the week after next.
For instance, now (sticking a large piece 0..( plaster on her finger),
there's the King's Messenger. He's in prison now, being punished;
and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday; and of course
the crime comes last of all.
AI. . ICE. Suppose be never commits the crime?
WHITE QUEEN. That would be all the better, wouldn't it , (binds
pla8ter round her finger 'eoith a ribbon).
ALICE. Well, I can t deny that. Of course it would be all the
9

better, but it wouldn't be all the better his being punished.

WHITE QUEEN. You're wrong there, at any rate; were yOlt ever
punished?
ALICE. Only for faults.
WHITE QUEEN. And you were all the better for it, I know! (tri-
u1nphantly).
ALICE. Yes, but then I ha(Z done the things I was punished for;
tbat makes all the difference.
-\- WHITE QUEEN. But if you hadn't done them, that would bave
been better still; better, and better, and better!
ALICE. '1'here'8 a mistake somewhere.
WHITE QUEEN. Oh, oh, oh! (8haking her hand). My finger's
bleeding I 011, oh, oh, oh!
ALICE (hold8 her /,and8 over her ea,r8). What i!'l the matter? Have
you pricked your finger?
WHITE QUEEN. I haven't pricked it yet, but I soon sball- oh,
oh, obI
AI. .ICE. When do you expect to do it?
WHITE QUEEN. When I fasten my shawl again (groans) the
brooch will conle undone directly. 011, oh! (QUEEN clutches her
brooch, which COll~e8 u.ff.)
ALICE. Take care! You're holding it all crooked!
'VIIITE QUEEN (prick8 Iter finger). That accounts for the bleed-
ing, you see. Now you understand the way things happen llere.
ALICE. But why don't you scream now? (holds her hands ready to
put over her ear8 aga,in).
WIIITE QUEEN. Why, I've done all tIle screaming already. \Vhat
would be the good of ]laving it allover again?
ALICE. I am so glad it is light again.
 WHITE QUEEN. I wish I could manage to be glad! Only I never
can remember the rule. You must be very happy, living in this
wood, and being glad whenever you like!
ALICE. Only it is so very lonely here! (in a '1nelancholll voice, begin-
ning to cry).
WHITE QUEEN. Oh, don't go on lik~ that! Consider what a
great girl you are. Consider what a long way you've come to-day.
Consider what o'clock it is. Consider anything, only don't cry!
ALICE (laughing). Can you keep from crying by considering
things?
WHITE QUEEN. That's the way it's done; nobody can do two
things at once, you know. Let's consider your age to begin with;
how old are you?
ALICE. I'm ten and a half exactly.
WHITE QUEEN. You need't say" exactually." I can believe it
without that. Now I'll give you something to believe. I'm just one
hundred and one, five months and a day_
ALICE. I can't believe tltat!
WHITE QUEEN. Can't you? (in a pitying ton{~). Try again; draw
a long breath, and shut your eyes.
ALICE. There's no use trying, one can't believe impossible things.
WHITE QUEEN. I dare say you llaven't h.ad much practise. When
I was your age, I always did it for half ,1.n hour a day. Why, some-
times I've believed as many as six impossible things before break-
fast. But here comes the \Vhite Knight ~

Enters WHITE KNIGHT on a Itorse, and, as the horse stops, he tUlnbles

off. ALICE helps him up and gazes at hiln in amazement.

WHITE KNIGHT. I see you're admiring my little box. It's my

own invention-to keep clothes and sandwicbes in. You see I
carry it upside down, so that the rain can't get in.
ALICE. But the things can get out. Do you know the lid's
open?
WHITE KNIGHT. I didn't know it. Then all the things must
have fallen out! And the box is no use without them (takes off
box and is about to throUJ it away when a thought strikes Idn~, and he
hangs it on a tree). Can you guess why I did that?
WHITE QUEEN and ALICE. No.
WHITE KNIGHT. In hopes some bees may make a nest in i t -
then I should get the honey.
ALICE. But you've got a beehive - or something like one - fast-
ened to the saddle.
 \VUITE KNIGHT. Yes, it's a very good beehive (discontentedly),
one of the best kind. But not a single bee has come near it yet.
And the other thing is a mouse trap. I suppose the mice keep the
bees out - or the bees keep the mice out, I don't know whicll.
ALIC ..:. I was wondering what the mOllse trap was for. It isn't
very likely there would be any mice on the horse's back.
\VHITJo; KNIGIIT. Not very likely, pel'haps; but if they do come, I
don't choose to have them running all about. You see, it's as well
to be provided for e"erllt"intJ. That's the reason the 110rse has all
those anklets round his feet.
ALICE. But what are they for?
\VUIT ..: KNIGHT. To guard against the bites of sharks. It's an in-
vention of my 0"'"11. And now help me on.
'VHITE QUEEN. And he'll soon be off. ( ..-\.LIC":; helps hinl on, he
falls off on tile other side, and vice versa) .
.J\LICIC. I aln afraid you've not had Inuch practise in riding.
WHITE KNIGIIT (!letting on 'l"ith ALICE'S help, (tnd holdin[J on to her
/tair). What makes you say that?
ALICE. Because people don't falloff quite so often when they've
had much pl-actice.
\VHITE KNiGIIT. I've had plenty of practise, plenty of practise!
AI..ICIt::. Indeed!
WIIITE KNIGHT. The great art of riding (nt.oving Ids ar.,ns) is to
keep - (tu'Inbles off).
ALICE. I hope no bones are broken.
WHITE KNIGHT. None to speak of (is helped onto horse again).
The great art of riding, as I was saying, is - to keep your balance
properly. Like this, you know - (tumbles off and is helped up) plenty
of ploactise, plenty of practise (long l)ause). I'm a great hand at in-
venting things. Now, I dare say you noticed, the last time you
picked me up, that I was looking rather thoughtful?
ALICE. You were a little grave.
WHITE KNIGHT. Well, just then I was inventing a new wa y of
getting over a gate. Would you like to hear it?
ALICE. Very much, indeed.
WHITE KNIGHT. I'll tell you how I came to think of it. Yo usee,
I said to myself, " The only difficulty is with the feet; the head is .high
enough already." Now, first I put my head on the top of the gate
- then the head's high enough - then I stand on my head - then
the feet are higll enough, you see- then I'm over, you see.
-ALICE. Yes, I suppose you'd be over when that was done, but
don't you think it would be rather hard?
WIIITE KNIGHT. I haven't tried it yet, so I can't tell for certain
., J
 25
- but I'm afraid it would be a little bard (pause). The cleverest
thing of the sort that I ever did, was inventing a new pudding dur-
ing the meat course.
ALICE. In time to have it cooked for the next course? Well,
that was quick work, certainly r
WHITE KNIGHT. Well, not the next course; no, certainly not the
next course.
ALICE. Then it would have to be the next day. I suppose you
wouldn't have two pudding courses in one dinner?
WHITE KNIGHT. Well, not the next day, not the next day. In
fact, I don't believe that pudding ever was cooked. In fact, I don't
believe that pudding ever toill be cooked! And yet it was a very
clever pudding to invent.
ALICE. What did you mean it to be made of ?
WHITE KNIGHT. It began with blotting paper.
ALICE. Tllat wouldn't be very nice, I'm afraid-
WHITE KNIGHT. Not very nice alone; but you've no idea what a
difference it makes, mixing it with other things-such as gun-
powdel· and sealing wax. But you are sad; let me sing you a song
to comfort you.
ALICE. Is it very long?
WHITE KNIGHT. It's long, but its very, very beautiful. Every-
body that hears me sing it - either it brings the tears into tlleir eyes,
or else-
ALICE. Or else what?
WHITE KNIGHT. Or else it doesn't, you kno,v. The name of the
Bong is called " Haddocks' Eyes."
ALICE. Oh, that's the nanle of tIle song, is it?
WHITE KNIGHT. No, you don't understand. 'l'hat·s what the
name is called. Tbe name really is "The Aged Aged Man."
ALICE. rrhen I ougbt to bave said, "That's wbat the song is
called" ?
WHITE KNIGHT. Yo, you oughtu t; tbat's quite another tbing!
9

The song is called "\Vays and Means"; but tllat's only ,vbat it's
called, you know!
ALICE. 'Vell, what is the .song, then?
WHITE KNIGHT. I was coming to that. The song really is "A-
sitting on a Gate," and the tune's my own invention (thinks, and
then begin8 to weep. To WHITE QUEEN). YOll know it, please sing
it for ber. I'm too mllcll moved to sing it to-day.
WHITE QUEEN. Oh, very well (sings).
 26

,. I'll tell thee everything I can;

There's little to relate.
I saw an aged aged man,
A-altting on a gate.
, Who are you, aged man,' I said,
, And how Is it that you live? '
And his answer trickled through my head
Like water througb a sieve.

" He said, 'I look for butterflies,

That sleep among the wheat;
I make them into mutton pies,
And sell them in the street.
I sell them unto men,' he said,
, Who sail on stormy seas;
And that's the way I get my bread-
A trifle, if you please.'

" But I was thinking of a plan

To dye one's whiskers green,
And always use so large a fan
That they could not be seen.
So, having no reply to give
To what the old man said,
I cried, ' Come, tell me how you live!'
And thumped him on the head.

" His accents mild took up the tale:

He said, ' I go my ways,
And when I find a mountain rill,
I set it in a blaze;
And thence they make a stuff they call
Rowlands' Macassar Oil-
Yet twopence-halfpenny is all
They give me for my toil.

" , But I was thinking of a way

To feed oneself on batter,
And 80 go on from day to day.
Getting a little fatter.'

" I shook him well from side to side,

Until his face was blue;
 27
Come, tell me 110W you live,' I cried,
, And what it is you do.'
He said, 'I hunt for Haddocks' eyes
Among the heather bright,
And work them into waistcoat buttons
In the silent night.
" , And these I do not sell for gold
Or coin of silvery shine,
But for a coppel- halfpenny,
And that will purchase nine.

" , I sometimes dig for buttered rolls,

Or set limed twigs for crabs;
I sometimes search the grassy knolls
For wheels of Hansom-cabs.
And that's the way' (he gave a wink)
'By which I get my wealth -
And very gladly will I drink
Your Honor's noble health.'

" I heard him then, for I had just

Completed my design
To keep the Menai bridge from rust
By boiling it in wine.
I thanked him much for telling me
The way he got his wealth,
But chiefly for his wish that he
. Might drink my noble health.

"And now, if e'er by chance I put

My fingers into glue,
Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe,
Or if I drop upon my toe
A very heavy weight,
I weep, for it reminds me so
Of that old man I used to know-
Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow,
Whose hair was whiter than the snow,
Whose face was very like a crow,
With eyes like cinders, all aglow,
Who seemed distracted with his woe,
Who rocked his body to and fro,

- ~ - -_.. _. _.... - ..: '" ... _-

 28
And muttered mumblingl,. and low,
A.a If hi8 mouth were full of dough,
Who aDorted like a buffalo-
That 8ummer evening long ago,
A-Bitting OD a gate."

Curtain.

(END OF ACT II.)

 ACT m.
SCENE I. WOOD SCENE, WITH COTTAGE AT BACK.
Enter FISH FOOTMAN, goes to door and knocks, door opened by
FROG FOOTMAN.
FISH FOOTMAN (produc'ing large letter). For the Duchess. 'An in-
vitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG FOOTMAN. From the Queen. An invitation for the Duch-
ess to play croquet (both bow low).

Exit FISH FOOTMAN.

FROG FOOTMAN leaves letter in house, then returns and dances, end-
i'ng 8U ddenly and sitting down llift.

Enter ALICE, who goes to door and knocks.

FROG FOOTMAN. There s no sort of use in knocking, and that for

9

two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you
are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one
could possibly hear you (noise inside, howling, sneezing, etc.)
ALICE. Please, then, how am I to get in?
FROG FOOTMAN (gazing at the sky). There might be some sense
in your knocking, if we had the door between us. For instance, if
you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you
know.
ALICE (aside). But at any rate he might answer questions. How
am I to get in?
FROG FOOTMAN. I shall sit liere till to-morrow- (at thi8 moment
the door of the house opens, and a large plate comes skimming out,
straight at the FOOTMAN'S head; it just grazes his nose, and breaks to
piece8 against one of the trees behind him) - or next day, maybe.
ALICE. How am I to get in?
FROG FOOTMAN. Are you to get in at all? That's the first ques-
tion, you know.
ALICE. It's really dreadful, the way all the creatures argue. It's
enough to drive one crazy!
FROG FOOTMAN. I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
ALICE. But what am I to do?
29
 30
FROG FOOTMAN. Anything you like (whi8tling).
ALICE. Oh, there's no use in talking to llimj he's perfectly
idiotic! (opens door and goe8 in).

(END OF SCENE I.)

SCENE II. KITCHEN, DUCHESS, COOK, BABY, CAT.

Enter ALICE (all sneeze except COOK and CAT).
ALICE (aside). There is certainly too much pepper in that soup
(sneezes). Please would you tell me why your cat grins like that?
DUCHESS. It's a Cheshire cat, and that's why. Pig!
ALICE. I didn't know that Chesllire cats always gt·inned; in fact,
I didn't know that cats could grin.
DUCHESS. They all can, and most of 'em do.
___ALICE. I don't know of any that do.
DUCHESS. You don't know much, and that's a fact (the COOK
take8 the cauldron of 80Up off the .fire, and at once sets to work thro'UJ-
ing everything within her reach at the DUCHESS lfnd the BABY- the
fire irons come fir8t; then follotos a shower of saucepans, plates, and
di8he8. The DUCHESS takes no notice of them, even when they hit
her; and the BABY continues to howl).
ALICE. Oh, please mind what you're doing! (jumping up and dotDn
in an agony of terror.) Ob, there goes bis precioUIJ nose!
DUCHESS. If everybody minded their own business, the world
would go round a deal faster than it does.
ALICE. Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work
it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes
twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis-
DUCHESS. Talking of axes, chop off her head!
ALICE. Twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? 1 -
DUCHESS. Ob, don't botber me. I never could abide figures (nKrs-
ing her child again, singing).
"Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when lIe sneezes;
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases."
CHOl'US
(in which the COOK and the BABY joined)
"Wow! wow! wow!
 31

"I speak severely to my boy,

I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!"
CHORUS.

"Wow! wow! "yow!"

~ To ALICE) Here, you may nurse it a bit if you like (flings BABY
to ALICE, ezit while the COOK throws pan at her, the BABY howls, and
eTJery one sneezes).

SCENE III. WOOD SCENE.

ALICE.Well, to think of it! After all the trouble I took to carry

that baby away, so tllat it wouldn't be hUlwt to have it turn into a pig,
and run away in that ungrateful way. 'VeIl, I supPQse if it had
grown up it would have made a dreadfully ugly child, and I must
say it made rather a handsome pig (enter CAT in the trees, wh.o looks
at ALICE and grins).
ALICE (timidly, aside). I suppose it ought to be treated with
respect. (Aloud) Cheshire Puss (CAT [Jrins). (Aside) Come, it's
pleased so far. (Aloud) Would you tell me, please, which way I ought
to walk from hel-e?
CAT. That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
ALICE. I don't much care where-
CAT. Then it doesn't mattel'" wbich way you walk.
ALICE. So long as I get sO'lnewhere.
CAT. Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
ALICE. What sort of people live about here?
CAT. In that direction (waving its right lJaw round) lives a Hatter;
and in that direction (waving the other paw) lives a Mal"'ch Hare. Visit
eithel'" you like; tlley're both mad.
ALICE. But I don't want to go among mad people.
CAT. Ob, you can't help that; we're all mad here. I'm mad.
You're mad.
ALICE. How do you know I'm mad?
CAT. You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
ALICE. And how do you know that you're mad?
CAT. To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?
ALICE. I suppose so.
CAT. Well, then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags
its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag
my tail when I'm angry. Therefore, I'm mad.
 ALICE. I call it purring, not growling.
CAT. Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen
to-day?
ALICE. I shoula like it very mllch, but I haven't been invired
yet.
CAT. You'll see nle thete ("anishes and 8ud(Zenly appears again).
By the bye, what became of the baby? I'd nearly forgotten to ask.
.l\.LICR. It turne~ into a pig.
CAT. I thought it would (~ani8hes).
AI.. ICE (to "PTse(f). I've seen hatters before; the MarcIl Hare will
be much the most interesting, and perhaps, as this is May, it won't
be raving mad - at l~ast not so mad as it was in ~Iarch.
CAT (re!tppparinfJ). Did you say pig, or fig ?
ALICE. I said pig, and I wisll you wouldn't keep appearin~ and
vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy.
CAT. All right ("anishes slowly, grln last).
Enter WHIT:'; QUEEN.
'VHITE QUE.J4:X. Why, child, what are you doing here now? Look
up, speak nicely, and don't t\viddle your fingers.
ALICE. I've lost my way.
WHITE QUE:';N. I don't kno\v \vhat you mean by your 'w'ay; all
the ways about here belong to 1'lie - but why did you come out here
at all? Curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It saves time.
ALICE (aside). I'll try it when I go home; the next time I'm 3
little late for dinner.
WHITE QUEEN. It's time for you to answer now (looking at her.-
watch); open your mouth a little wider when you speak.
AI..ICE. I only wanted to see what the wood was like.
WHITE QUEEN. That's l"ight, though wilen you say wood-I've
seen wood, compared with which tllis would be an open field.
ALICE. And I thought I'd try and find my way to the top of that
hill-
WHITE QUEEN. When you say" hill," I could S110W you hills, in
comparison with which you'd call tllat a valley.
ALICE. No, I shouldn't; a hill can't be a valley, you know. That
would be nonsense.
WHITE QUEEN (s/take8 her head). You may call it "nonsense" if
you like, but I've heard nonsense, compared with which that would
be as sensible as a dictionary!
ALICE (after a pause). Please would you tell me ?
WHITE QUEEN. Speak when you're spoken to!
ALICE. But if everybody obeyed that rule, and 'if you only spoke
 33
~llen you were spoken to, an.d the other person always waited for you
Co begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that-"
WHITE QUEEN. Ridiculous! )Vhy., don't you see, child- (breaks
~.tf suddenly, and thinksfor a ?n',.")!:What. do you mean by if every
()ne obeyed that rule? ¥orr::ktfow notl1lng, as far as I can see, and
you must have an examination to prof~tt:y' The sooner we begin it
th e better. .
;,t

ALICE (piteously). I only said··t~ if"-

WHITE QUEEN. But you said'a great deal more than" if." Always
speak the truth; think before you speak, and write it down after-
wards.
ALICE. I am sure I didn't mean -
WHITE QUEEN. That's just what I complain of! You should have
meant! \Vbat do you suppose is the use of a child without any
meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning - and a child's
more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even
if you tried with both hands.
AI.. ICE. I don't deny tbings with my hands.
'VHITE QUEEN. Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you
tried. (.As'ide) She's in that state of mind that she wants to deny
80mething - only she doesn't know what to deny! A nasty, vicious
temper; but I dare say you've not had many lesson~ in manners
yet?
ALICE. Manners are not taught in lessons. Lessons teach you to
do sums, and things of tbat sort.
WHITE QUEEN. Can you. do addition? What's one and one and
one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
ALICE. I don't know. I lost count.
WHITE QUEEN. She can't do addition. Can you do subtraction?
1'ake nine from eight.
- ALICE. Nine from eight I can't, you know, but-
WHITE QUEEN. She can't do subtraction. Can you do division?
Divide a loaf by a knife - wllat·s the answer to that?
Af;:ICE. I suppose-
WHITE QUEEN (interrupt·ing). Bread and butter, of ·course. Try
another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog - what remains?
ALICE (cons'idering). The bone wouldn·t remain, of course, if I
'took it - and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me
and I'm sure I Sllouldn't remain!
WHITE QUEEN. Then you think notlling \vould renlain?
ALICE. I think tllat's the answer.
WHITE QUEEN. Wrong, as usual; the dog's temper would renlain.
ALICE. But I don't see how --
 34

WHITE QUEEN. Why, look here! The dog would lose its temper,
wouldn't it?
ALICE. Perhaps it would.
WHITE QUEEN. Then if the dog went away, its temper would
remain!
ALICE. They might go different ways. What dreadful nonsense
we are talking!
WHITE QUEEN. She can't do sums a bit/
ALICE. Can you do sums? (turning suddenly on the WHITE QUEEN).
WHITE QUEKN (gasps). I can do addition, if you give me time-
but I can't do subtraction under any circumstances! But of course
you know your ABC?
ALICE. To be sure, I do.
WHITE QUEEN. SO do I; we'll often say it over together, dear.
And I'll tell you a secret. I can read words of one letter! Isn't
that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in
time. Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?
ALICE. I know that / You take some flour-
WHITE QUEEN. Where do you pick the flower? In a garden, or
in the hedges?
ALICE. Well, it isn't picked at all, it's ground-
WHITE QUEEN. How many acres of ground? You musn't leave
out so many things. Do you know languages? What's the French
for fiddle-de-dee ?
ALICE. Fiddle-de-dee's not English.
WHITE QUEEN. Who ever said it was?
ALICE. If YOll'll tell me what language" flddle-de-dee " is, I'll tell
you the French for it !
WHITE QUEEN (draws herself up rather stiJjly). . Queens never
make bargains.
ALICE. I wish queens never asked questions.
WHITE QUEEN. Don't let us quarrel. What is the cause of light-
ning?
ALICE. The cause of lightning is the thunder - no, no! I
meant the other way.
WHITE QUEEN. It's too late to correct it; when you've once said
a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the cODSet}Uences. Which
reminds me (lookinf/ down and nervously clasping and unclasping
h.er hands), we had suell. a thunder-storm last Tuesday-I mean one
of the last set of Tuesdays, you know.
ALICE. In our country there's only one day at a time.
WHITE QUEEN. Tbat's a poor thin way of doing things. Now
here, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and
 35

sOJDetimes in the winter we take as many as five nights together-

for warmth, you know.
ALICE. Are five nights warmer than one night, then?
WHITE QUEEN. Five times as warm, of course.
ALICE. But they sbould be five times as cola, by the same rule-
WHITE QUEEN. Just so! Five times as warm, and five times as
cold-just as I'm five times as rich as you are, and five times as
clever.
ALICE. It's exactly like a riddle with no answer!
WHITE QUEEN. Humpty Dumpty saw it, too. He came to the
door with a corkscrew in his hand-
ALICE. What did he want?
WHITE QUEEN. He said he would come in, because he was look-
ing for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a
thing in the house, that morning.
ALICE. Is there generally?
WHITE QUEEN. Well, only on Thursdays.
ALICE. Oh, how I wish I could meet Humpty Dumpty!
WHITE QUEEN. Come with me and you shall.

(END OF SCENE III.)

SCENE IV. WOOD WITH WALL AT BACK.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sitting on a wall. Enter AI.. ICE.

ALICE. How exactly like an egg he is.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. It's 'Oery provoking (aJter a lona silence, look-
ing away from Alice as he speaks) to be called an egg - very!
ALICE. I said you looked like an egg, sir. And some eggs are very
pretty, you know.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Some people (looking away f)·om ller, as usual)
have no more sense than a baby!
ALICE (aside).

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's llorses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place again."
That last line is much too long for the poetry.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Don't stand chattering to yourself like tbat
(looking at her for the first tilne), but tell me your name and your
business.
 36

ALICE. My name is Alice, but-

HUMPTY DUMPTY. It's a stupid name enough! (impatiently).
What does it mean? ....
ALICE. Must a name mean something?
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Of course it must; my name means the shape
I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like
yours, you might be any shape, almost. Though, as it happens, yon
look exactly like everyone else.
ALICE. The face is what one generally goes by.
HUMPTY DUl\IPTY. That's just what I complain of. Your faceis
the same as everybody has; the two eyes, so (marking their places
in the air with his thu1nb), nose in the middle, mouth under. It's
always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of
the nose, for instance - or the mouth at the top - that would be
some help.
AI..ICE. It wouldn't look nice.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Wait till you've tried.
ALICE. Why do you sit out here all alone?
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Why, because there's nobody with me! Did
you think I didn't know the answel· to that I Ask another.
ALICE. Don't you think you'd be safer down on tbe ground?
That wall is so very narrow!
HUMPTY DUMPTY. What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of
course I don't think so! Why, if ever I did falloff-which there's
no chance of - but if I did - if I did fal], the King 1tas promised me
- all! you may turn pale if you like. You didn't think I was going
to say that, did you? The King has promised me with his very own
mouth-to- to-
ALICE. To send all his horses and all his men.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Now, I declare, that's too bad; you've been
listening at doors, and behind trees, and down chimneys, or you
couldn't have known it.
ALICE. I haven't, indeed. It's in a book.
HUllPTY DUMPTY. Ah, well! They may write such things in a
book. That's what you call a History of England, that is. Now,
take a good look at me! I'm one tbat has spoken to a king, I am;
maybap you'll never see such another; and to show you I'm not
proud, you may shake hands with me (grins and leanll forward and
offers hls hand to ALICE, 1oho shakes it). Yet all his horses and all
his men - they'd pick me up aga.in in a minute, they would! IIow-
ever, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let's g.) back to
the last remark but one.
ALICE. I'm afraid I can't quite remembel· it.
 HU~IPTY DUMPTY. In that case we start IresIl, and it's my turn to
choose a subject.
ALICE (aside). He talks about it just as if it was a game!
HUMPTY DUMPTY. So bere's a question for you. How old did
you say you were?
ALICE. Ten years and six months.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Wrong! You never said a word like it! "
ALICE. I thought you meant" How old are you? "
HUMPTY DUMPTY. If I'd meant that, I'd have said it. Ten years
and six months! (thoughtfully). An uncomfortable sort of age. Now
if you'd asked my advice, I'd have said" leave off at ten," but it's too
late now.
ALICE. I never ask advice about growing.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Too proud?
ALICE. I mean that one can't help growing older.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. One can't, perhaps, but two can. With proper
assistance, you might have left off at ten.
ALICE (8ud(Zenly). What a beautiful belt you've got on! At least,
a beautiful cravat, I should have said - no, a belt, I mean - I beg
your pardon! (.Aside) If I only knew which was neck and which
was waist!
HUMPTY DUMPTY. It is a-1no8t-provoking-thing when a
person doesn't know a cravat from a belt!
ALICE. I know it's very ignorant of me.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as
you say. It's a present from the White King and Queen. There,
now!
ALICE. Is it really?
HU~lPTY DUl\fPTY. They gave it me for an unbirtltday present.
ALICE. I beg your pardon?
HUMPTY DUMPTY. I'm not offended.
ALICE. I mean, what i8 an unbirthday present?
HUMPTY DUMPTY. A present given when it isn't your birthday,
of course.
ALICE. I like birthday presents best.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. You don't know what you're talking about!
How many days are there in a year?
ALICE. Three hundred and sixty-five.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. And how many birthdays have you?
ALICE. One.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. And if you take one from three hundred and
sixty-five, what remains?
ALICE. Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.
 HUMPTY DUMPTY (doubifully). I'd rather see that done on paper
(ALlCE takes out mmnorandum book and doe8 the SUInt and hands it to
HUMPTY DUMPTY, who takes and 8tudies it).
HUMPTY DUMPTY. That.eems to be done right-
ALlCE. You're holding it upside down.
HUMPTY DUMPTY (gaily). To be sure, I was! I thought it looked
a little queer. As I was saying, that seem8 to be done right - though
I haven't time to look it over thoroughly just now - and that shows
that there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might
get unbirthday presents-
ALICE. Certainly.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. And only one for birthday presents, you know.
There's glory for you!
ALICE. I don't know what you mean by "glory."
HUMPTY DUMPTY (contemptuously). Of course you don't-till
l tell you. I meant" there's a nice knock-down argument for you 1't'
ALICE. But" glory" doesn't mean" a nice knock-down argument. "
HUMPTY DUMPTY. When I use a word, it means just what I.
choose it to mean-neither more nor less.
ALICE. The question is, whether you can ~ake words mean 8~
many different things.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. The question is, which is to be master--
that's all. They've a temper, some of them-particularly verbeJl..1
they're the proudest-adjectives you can do anything with, baa- -t
not verbs. However, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impen~
trability! That's what I say!
ALICE. Would you tell me, please, what that means' .
HUMPTY DUMPTY (pleased). Now, you talk like a reasonable chil~·
I meant by" impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subjec- :art,
and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to d. _0
next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of YOGI _ _-r
--
life.
ALICE (thoughtfully). That's a great deal to make one word mea-...t=,---
HUMPTY DUMPTY. When I make a word do a lot of work lilc:II:=---
that, I always pay it extra.
ALICE. Ohl
HUMPTY DUMPTY. Ah, you should see 'em come round me of •
Saturday night for to get their wages, you know.
ALICE. You seem very clever at explaining words, sir.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. I am, and I can l-epeat whole pages out o-L
books (ALICE looks alarmed). As to poetry, you know (stretckin,f/
out one of his great hands), I can repeat poetry as well as other folic,
if it comes to that-
 39
f'
ALICE. Oh, it needn't come to that!
HuMPTY DUMPTY. The piece I'm going to repeat was written en-
tiTely for your amusement.
ALICE (sadly). Thank you.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. "In winter, when the fields are white,
I sing this song for your delight-"
<:»nly I don't sing it.
ALICE. I see you don't.
HUMPTY DUMPTY (se'Derely). H you can see whether I'm singing
<>r not, you've sharper eyes than most. [Now see if you can Bee me
Bing it (Bi'1lf!.B)]
" In spring, when woods are getting green,
I'll try and tell you what I mean.
" In summer, when the days are long,
Perhaps you'll understand the song.
" In autumn, when the leaves are brown,
Take pen and ink, and write it down."
ALICE. I will, if I can remember it so long.
HUMPTY DUMPTY. You needn't go on making remarks like that;
they're not senbible, and they put me out.
" I sent a message to the fish;
I told them. 'This is what I wish.'
" The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
"The little fishes' answer was,
, 'Ve cannot do it, sir, because - '"
ALICE. I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
HUKPTY DUMPTY. It gets easier further on.
e'I sent to them again to say,
, It will be better to obey.'
" The fishes answered with a grin,
'Why, what a temper you are inl'
" I told them once, I told them twice;
They would not listen to advice.
"I took a kettle large and new,
Fit for the deed I had to do.
 40
" My heart went hop, my heart went thump;
I filled the kettle at the pump.
"Then some one came to me and said,
, The little fishes are in bed.'
"I said to him, I said it plain,
, Then you must wake them up again.'
"I said it very loud and clear;
I went and shouted in bls ear.
"But he was very stiff and proud;
He said, 'You needn't shout so loud!'
" And he wa.s very proud and stiff;
He said, 'I'd go and wake them if - '
" I took a corkscrew from the shelf;
I went to wake them up myself.
" And when I found the door was locked,
I pulled, and pushed, and kicked, and knocked.
" And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, but - "

(Long pause.)
ALICE. Is that all ?
HUMPTY DUMPTY. That's all. Good-by.

(END OF ACT III.)

 ACT IV.
~EYE I. OUTDOOR SCENE WITH HOUSE AT BACK, TEA TABLE SET.

:ARCH HARE and HATTER having tea., w!tlt tlte DORMOUSE asleep
between them.

Ente'r ALICE.

HATTER and MARCH HARE. No room! no room!

ALICE. There's plenty of room ( sits down in large armchair at end
(' table).
MARCH HARE. Have some wine?
ALICE (looking round). I don't see any wine.
MARCH HARE. There isn't any.
ALICE (angrily). Tben it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE. It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without
ing invited.
~LICE. I didn't know it was your table; it's laid for a great many
~re than three.
t:IATTER. Your hair wants cutting.
~LICE. You should learn not to make pel'sonal remarks; it's very
de.
HA.TTER. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
~LICE (aside). Come, we shall have some fun now! I'm glad
~y've begun asking riddles - I believe I can guess that.
MABCH HARE. Do you Inean tl1at you think you can :find out the
swer to it?
A.LICE. Exactly so.
NARCH HA.RE. Then you sbould say what you mean.
ALICE (hastily). I do; at least- at least, I mean what I say-
at's the same tbing, you know.
BATTER. Not the same thing a bit; you might just as well say
. at I see what I eat is the same thing as I eat what I see.
MARCH HARE. You might just as well say that I like what I get
tile same as I get what I like.
DORMOUSE (talking in his sleel). You might just as well say
-at I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I
reathe.
41
 42 .
HATTER. It is the same thing to you. What day of the month is
it (takea out l,is watch and looks at it uneasily, shaking it and holding
it to hia ear).
ALICE. The fourth.
HATTER (sighing). Two days wrong! I told you butter wouldn't
suit the works! (looks angrily at the MARCH HARE).
MARCH HARE. It was the beat butter.
HATTER. Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you
shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife (the MARCH HABE
takes the watch and looks at it gloo1nily, then dips it into his cup of
tea, and looks at it aua-in). It was the be8t butter, you know.
ALICE. What a funny watch I It tells the days of the month,
and doesn't tell what time it is.
HArrER. Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it
is?
AI.. ICE. Of course not; but that's because it stays the same Yell"~
for such a lo~g time together. . ~"~ .. ~-
HATTER. Which is just the case with 1nine. ,~_
~
uS1..' )C. -;}..I.
....
:.."
ALICE. I don't quite understand you. /'" ' ~ /;' .-
HATTER. Tbe Dormouse is asleep again (pours a little hot tea on
,its nose).
DORMOUSE (shakes its head iUtpatiently, and without opening its e1Jes).
Of course, of course; just what I was going to )'emark myself.
HATTER. Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE. No, I give it up; what's the answer?
HATTER. I haven't the sligbtest idea.
MARCH HARE. Nor I.
ALICE (sighing). I think you Inigllt do something better with tbe
time tban wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.
HATTER. If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk
about wasting it. It's him.
i'aLICE. I don't know what you mean.
!UATTER. Of course you don't! (contelnptuou8ly). I dare say yon
never even spoke to Time!
J AJ..ICE. Perhaps not; but I know I llave to beat time when I learn
music .
.' HATTER. Ah! that accounts for it. He won't stand beating.
Now, if you only kept on good terms ,vith 11im, he'd do almost any-
thing you liked ,vith the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine
o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons; you'd only have to
whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling!
Half past one, time for dinner!
MAUCH HAnE (a~ide). I only wisll it was!
 43
ALICIC. That would be grand, certainly, but then - r shouldn t
\e hungry for it, you know.
HA.'l'TBB. Not at first, perhaps, but yon could keep it to half past
ODe as long as you liked.
ALICE. Is that the way you manage?
RA.TTER (mournjully). Not I. We quarreled last March - just be-
fore he went mad, you know - (pointing w·ith 1tis teaspoon at the
-ABeD HABE) - it was at the great concert given by the Queen of
Hearts, and I had to sing:-

" Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!

How I wonder what you're at! "

You know the song, perhaps?

ALI~E. I've heard something like it.
H4.-:rTEB. It goes on, you know, in this way:-

"Up above the world you fly,

Like a tea tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle--"

DOIlKOU8B (81takes itself and sings in its sleep). Twinkle, twinkle,

twiQ.~le, twinkle (they all pinch it to make it stop).
K4.TTER. Well, I hardly finished the first verse when the Queen
br&~led out, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!"
~lCB. How dreadfully savage!
ll.4T'1'EB. And ever since that (monrnjully) he won't do a thing I
uk. It's always six o'clock now.
~l:.IC&. Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
SA.TTEB (sighs). Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we've no
titlle to wash the things between whiles.
ALICE. Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
BATTER. Exactly so, as the things get used up.
ALICE. But when you come to the beginning again?
IIABCH HARE. Suppose we change the subject. I'm getting tired
of this. I vote the young lady tells us a story_
ALICB. I'm afraid I don't know one.
HA-TTBK and MA.RCH HARE. Then the Dormouse shall! Wake
ap, Dormou8e! (they pinch it on both sides at once).
DoRMOUSE (8lol0ly open.fj his eyes). I wasn't asleep. I heard every
word you fellows were saying.
KARCH HARE. Tell us a story!
ALICB. Yes, please do !
 44
HATT ..;R. And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before
\it's done.
DORMOUSE. Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and
tl1eir names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the
~ttom of a well -
~ ~LICE. What did they live on?
DORMOUSE. Tiley lived on treacle.
ALIC"~. They couldn't have done that, you know, they'd Itave
been ill.
DOUUOUSE. So they were, fJerg ill.
ALICE. But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MARCH HARE. Take some more tea.
ALICE. I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
HA.TTER. You mean, you can't take less; it's very easy to take
more than nothing.
ALICE. "Yobody asked your opinion.
HATTER. Who's making personal remarks now?
ALICE. 'Vhy did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE (thinking). It was a treacle well.
ALICE. There's no such thing!
HATTER and MAHCH HARE. Sh! ShY
DORMOUSE (sulkil1/). If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the
story for yourself.
ALICE. No; please go on! I won't interrupt you again. I dare
say there may be one.
DORMOUSE. One, indeed! And so these three little sisters - the~
were learning to draw, you know-
ALICE. \Vhat did they draw?
DOR~IOUSE. Treacle.
HATTER. I want a clean cup; let's all move one place on (.czll
mone up one place).
ALICE. But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treaole
from?
HATTER. You can draw water out of a water well, so I should
think you could dl"aw treacle out of a treacle well-eh, stupid?
ALICE. But they wer~ in the well.
DORMOUSE. Of course they were, well in. They were learning to
draw (yawni-ng and rubb-ingits eyes), and they drew all manner of
things - everything that begins with an M -
ALICE. Why with an ~I?
MAltCH HARE. Why not? (DORMOUSE goes to sleep, HATTER
pinches him and he wakes with a shriek).
DORMOUSE. That begins with an M, such as mouse traps, and the
 45

(100D, and memory, and muchness-you know you say things are
luch of a muchness - did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of
. Dl.lchneS8?
ALICE. Really, now you ask me, I don't think-
HATTER. Then you shouldn't talk.

~zit ALICE, offended, while the MARCH HARE ana the HA.TTER try to
put the DORMOUSE into the teapot.
(END OF SCENE I.)

SCENE II. SEA IN THE BACKGROUND.

MOCK TURTLE 8obbing. Enter ALICE and GRYPHON.
ALICE (to GRYPHON). What is his sorrow?
GRYPHON. It's all h.is fanc~ that./fte hasn't got no sorrow, you
know. Come on (to MOCK TURTLE). This here young lady, she
wants for to know your history, she do.
MOCK TURTLE. I'll tell it her (in a deep, Itollow tone). Sit down,
both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished (all sit ; long
pause).
ALICE (a8ide). I don't see how he can ever finish, if he doesn't be-
gin.
MOCK TURTLE. Once (with a deep 8igh) I was a real Turtle (long
pause).
GRYPHON. Hjckrrh! (MOCK TURTLE Bob8).
MOCK TURTLE. When we were little (8till 80bbing) we went to
school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle - we used to call
him Tortoise-
..ALICE. Wby did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?
MOCK TURTLE. We called him Tortoise because he taught us.
(dnurily) Really, you are very dull!
GRYPHON. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such
a. simple question. Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!
. MOCK TURTLE. Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you
mayn't believe i t -
ALICE. I never said I didn't!
MOCK TURTLE. You did.
~RYPHON. Hold your tongue!
MOCK TURTLE. We had the best of educations - in fact, we ,vent
to school every day-
ALICE. rve been to a day school, too; you needn't be so proud as
alI that.
 46
MOCK TURTI"E (a~iou8lll). With extras?
ALICE. Yes, we learned French and music.
HOCK TURTLE. And washing?
ALICE. Certainly not!
MOCK TURTI"E. Ah! Then yours wasn't a really good sc],ool.
Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, "French, music, ana
1Da8hing - extra. "
9
ALICE. You couldn t have wanted it much, living at the bottom
of the sea.
MOCK TURTI.. J4;. I couldn't afford to learn it. I only took the reg-
ular course.
ALICE. Wbat was that?
MOCK TURTLE. Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,
and then tbe different branches of Arithmetic - Ambition, Distrac-
tion, Uglification, and Derision.
ALICE. I never heard of "Uglification." What is it?
GRYPHON (surprised). Never heard of uglifying! You know what
to beautify is, I suppose?
ALICE. Yes; it means - to - make - anything - prettier.
GXYPHON. Well, then, if you don't know what to uglify is, you
are a simpleton.
ALICE. What else had you to learn?
MOCK TURTLE. Well, there was Mystery. Mystery, :mcient and
modern, with Seaography, then Drawling - the Drawing Master was
an old Conger-eel, that used to come once a week; he taught us Drawl-
ing, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.
ALICE. What was that like?
MOCK TURTLE. Well, I can't show it you, myself; I'm too stiff.
And the Gryphon never learned it.
GRYPHON. Hadn't time. I went to the classical master, though.
He was an old Crab, he was.
MOCK TURTLE. I never went to him; he taught Laughing and
Grief, they used to say.
GRYPHON. So he did, so he did.
ALICE. And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
MOCK TURTLE. Ten llours the first day, nine the next, and so OD.
ALICE. What a curious plan!
GRYPHON. That's the reason they're called lessons; because they
lessen from day to day.
ALICE. Then tIle eleventll day must have been a holiday.
MOCK TURTLE. Of COUl"se it was.
ALICE. And how did you manage on the twelfth?
~ GBYPJION. 'I'hat's enougb about lessons. Tell her something
 47
at the games now. (MOCK TURTLE 8igh8 and 8obs, and ia beaten
~he back by the GRYPHON).
RYPHON. Same as if he had a bone in his thl-oat.
OCK TURTLE. You may not have lived much under the sea.
LICE. I haven't.
OCR TURTLE. And perhaps you were wwer introduced to a
,ter?
LICE. I once tasted - no, .Rever.
OCK TURTLE. So you can have no idea what a delightful thing
)bster Quadrille is!
LICE. No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?
BYPHON. Why, you first form into a line along the seashore-
:OCK TURTLE. '.rwo lines! Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on;
1, when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way-
RVPHON. That generally takes some time.
:OCK TURTLE. You advance twice-
BYPHON. Each with a lobster as a partner!
COCK TURTLE. Of course; advance twice, set to partners-
·RYPHON. Change lobsters, and retire in same order.
rOCK TURTLE. Then you know; you throw the-
'RYPHON (shouting). The lobsters! (with a bound into the air).
rOCK TuRTLE. As far out to sea as you can-
·RYPHON. Swim after them I
[OCK TURTLE. Turn a somersault into the sea! (capering wildly
ut).
·RYPHON. Change lobsters again!
rOCK TURTLE. Back to land again, and - that's all the first
lre (8it8 down qu.ietly) •
.LICE. It must be a very pretty dance.
rOCK TURTLE. Would you 1ike to see a little of it?
.LICE. Very Dluch, indeed.
COCK TURTLE. Come, let's try the first figure! (to the GRYPHON).
can do it without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?
·RYPHON. Oh, you sing. I have forgotten the words (dance).
rOCK TURTLE (sings).

"ill you walk a little faster!" said a whiting to a snail,

here's a porpoise close behind us, and be's treading on my tail.
bow eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
,y are waiting on the shingle - will you come and join the dance?
rill you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
rill you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the
dance?
 48
" You can really have no notion Il0W delightful it will be
Wben they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied, ., Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance-
Said be thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Wou1d not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the
dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the
dance.
"What matters it bow far we go?" his scaly friend replied,
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France;
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the
dance ?"
.----- ALICE. Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch, ajfd I

MOCK TUBTI"E. Oh, as to tIle whiting, they-

course?
ALICE. Yes, I've often seen them at dinn-
MOCK TU.BTI"E. I don't know where Dinn may be,
seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.
ALICE. I believe so. They have their tails in their mo
they're allover crumbs.
MOCK TU.BTI"E. You're wI"ong about the crumbs;
all wasIl off in the sea. But they have their tails
and the reason is - (MOCK TU.B'rLE yawns and sh
her about the reason and all that.
GRYPHON. The reason is that they would g
the dance. So they got tllrown out to se So they had to fal
long way. So they got their tails fast i their moutbs.
couldn't get them out again. rrhat's a1
ALICE. Thank you; it's very inte tinge I never knew so much
about a whiting befol-e.
GRYPHON. I can tell you re than that, if you like. Do you
know why it's called a whi· ?
ALICE. I never thoug bout it. Why?
GRYPHON (solernnly t does the boots and shoes.
ALICE. Does the ots and shoes!
GRYPHON. WI , what are YO'ur slloes done with?
makes them so iny?
ALICE. The c done witll blacking, I believe.
 49

I'd baft' .aid to the pot pol...

....... ple-M; we dOD" wc)" with ual"
Moe. Toan.&. They wen obUged to ha_ him with them; DO
au. w01lld CO UlJwbere without. POI POlM.
Au,.. WoulcID't It r_n,.,
IIoca: Tvan.a. OfOOUrlle nol.I Wh,.,lla tbb came tonM!, aod &okl
. . ..,.. golag • joura87. I shoDld ..,. ,. With wbat porpol..,,"
Auoa.. Dem't. ;rou mean t' purvo-e .. l'
1 meau wba' I . .y.
G.~PIIO.. Come. 70U do .maethlag DOW. Staud up aDd re..-t
-"neu... Voice of the RJuggard."
"'"OW (~).

""'na the YOlce GIlbo lot.t4!or; I beard him declare,

You haft baked me too brown, I muat sugar m1 balr.
... .. duck with Itli e:JeUda, 110 he with hi. DON
TIt_ hla belt aDd his buU.oos, and tUrDS out hi_ toe&..,

Tha". dUfereot. from "'hat 1 uaed to -'I wbee [ "'. .

To.iLL Well, I neyer heard It before, but II. 1IOtIH8 UD-

.. .elll•.
WID tbt..- nn happen In .. aatura! w&7 ....11 ,
TvIft"LlL I Bhould Uke to b ..... It explalued•
........,. She caD', explain It.. Go 00 with the next , ......
Tu8'l'L&. But .oout hi. toN. Bow ('0,,14 he turD 1ob.1D
.... DUSI, 70UIuaow ,.
Itt. the ftnt po.ltlon In daaclng.
00 011 with tbe Den Yene. It btogIDll.,'" p. ad b,. hill

001, 77! c1 by hi. larden, and marked. with ODe e~.

Bow the owl aad the O)"der were .bartaS the pte-"

i
~5T~.~_~.... What u c.he IUe 01 repeaU.oa: all th ____I U , . .
r .1; - JOU go DO' It.. b7 far the moet ~ ttl •

r ... I thlak 70u'd better ..... 08'. • .... we lr7

 50

another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like

Mock Turtle to Bing you a BOng ?
ALIOB. Oh, a Bong, please, if the Mock Turtle would be 80 kin
GBTPaOlf (in a rather offended tone). Hm! No accounting
tasteBo! Sing her" Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow?
MOCK TURTLE (sighs deeply, and begins, in a "oice 80metimes chol
tOith .oba, to Bing).
" Beautiful Soup, 80 rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiJul Soup!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau--ooufulSoo--ooop!
Soo--oop of the e e evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup!
" Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give al] else for two p
ennyworth oilly of beautiful Soup?
Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo - oop of the e - e - evening,
Beautiful, beauti -FUL SOUP I "
(All dance and repeat Lobster Quad'rille chorus.)

(END OF SCENE II.)

SCENE III. THE GA.RDEN.

(The three gardeners disco'Dered painting a rose tree.)

Enter ALICE, who watches tltem. .
Two OF CLUBS. Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing pa
over me like that!
FIVE OF CLUBS. I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.
SEVEN OF CLUBS. That's right, Five! Always lay the blame
others!
FIVE OF CLUBS. You'd better not talk! I heard the Queen ~
only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!
 51

NO OF CLUBS. What for?

eVEN OF CLUBS. That's none of your business, Two!
:VE OF CLUBB. Yes, it is "his business, an~ I'll tell him. It was
bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions.
~VEN OF CLUBS (jl'ing8 down hi8 brush). Well, of all the unjust
LgS - (disco1'ers ALICE, and bows low, as do the otlter8).
LICE. Would you tell me, please, why you are painting those
~S?
wo OF CLUBS. Why, the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought
.ave been a red rose tree, and we put a white one in by mistake;
if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut
you know. So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she
les, to-
[VE OF CLUBS. The Queen! The Queen! (all three fall on their
8).

ER proce86ion, which ends ttp with the WHITE RA.BBIT, the KING
and QUEEN, and the KNAVE 01i' HEARTS, who carrie8 the crown
on a cU8hion.

JEEN OF HEARTS (looking at ALICE, to the KNAVE). Who is

) (KNAVE bows and smiles and 8ays , ..othing.) Idiot! (To ALICE)
..t is your name, child?
~ICE. My name is Alice, so please your Majesty. (ABide) Why,
're only a pack of cards, after all. I needn't be afraid of them!
JEEN OF HEARTS. And ·who are these 1 (pointing to the three
~ener8).
[.ICE. How should I know? It's no business of mine.
JEEN OF HEARTS (in a ra.!le). Off with her head! Off!
LICE. Nonsense 1 (very loudly and decidedly).
[NO OF HEARTS (laying /tis lUl.1ul on QUEEN'S arm). Considel-, my
'; slle is only a child!
[JEEN OF HEARTS (to the RNA.VE). Turn them over! (the KNAVE
8 theln very cartifully w'ith one foot). Get up! (the three gar-
~r8 instantly jump up and begin bowing to the KING, the QUEEN,
e1'erybodyelse). Leave off that! You make me giddy (tu~ing
\e roae tree). What have you been doing here?
WO OF CLUBS. May it please your Majesty (going down on one
9 as he spoke), we were trying-
UEEN OF HEARTS. I see. Off with their heads! (Exit GA.RDEN-
QUEEN shouts) Are their heads off? .
FFICERS (shQut outside). Their heads are gone, if it please your
jesty!
 52

QUEEN OF HEARTS (shouts). That's right! Can you play croquet?

ALICE (shouts). Yes!
QUEEN OF HEARTS (roars). Come on, then! (Exit).
WHITE RABBIT (to ALICE). It's a very fine day.
ALICR. Very. Where's the Duchess?
WHITE RABBIT. Hush! Hush! She's under sentence of execu
tion.
ALICE. What for?
WHITE RABBIT. Did you say, "What a pity"?
ALICE. No, I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity. I said what
for?
WHITE RAHBIT. She boxed the Queen's ears. (ALICE gi'DelJ a liUle
scream of laughter). Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see
she came rather late, and the Queen said -
QUEEN OF HEARTS (outside). Get to your places! Off with her
head! (all run conjusedly round, and exit all but ALICE).
Enter DUCHESS.
DUCHESS. You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you
dear old thing! (tucks her arut affectionately 'into ALICE'S, and the'll
walk 0:8).
ALICE (aside). I am glad to find her in such a pleasant temper,
and perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage
when we met in the kitchen. When I'm a Duchess I won't have any
pepper in my kitchen at all.
DUCHESS. You're thinking about something, my dear, and that
makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral
of tllat is, but I shall remember it in a bit.
ALICE. Perhaps it hasn't one.
DUCHESS. Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you
can find it.
;~-ALICE. The game seenlS to be going on rather better DO~
DUCHESS. --'Tis 80,' and the moral of that is, "Oh, 'tis love, 'tis
love, that makes thi-world go round! "
ALICE. Somebody said that it's done by everybody minding their
own business!
DUCHESS. Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the
moral of that is, "Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take
care of theDlsel ves. "
~.-~LICE (aSide). How fond she is of finding morals in thing,iJ
DUCHESS. I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm
round your waist. The reason is, that I'm doubtful about the tem-
per of your flamingo. Shall I try the eXpel'inlent?
i , .
 53

A.LICE. He might bite. ~~

DucHB88. Very true. _ and mustard both bite. And
the moral of that is, "Birds of a feather flock together."
ALICE. Only mustard isn't a bird.
DUCHESS. Right, as usual. What a clear way you have of putting
things!
ALICE. It's a mineral, I think.
DuclIB8s. Of course it is. There's a large mustard mine near
here. And the moral of that is, "The more there is of mine, the
• leu there is of yours."
ALICE. Oh, I know! It's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one,
but it is.
DUCHESS. I quite agree witl1 you, and the moral of that is, " be
what you would seem to be" ; or, if you'd like it put more simply,
"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it migbt
appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otllerwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to
be otherwise."
ALICE. I think I sho~ld understand that better if I had it written
dc:::.wn; but I can't quite follow it as you say it.
DUCHESS. That's nothing to what I could say if I chose.
ALICE. Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than
~at.
DUCHESS. Oh, don't talk about trouble! I make you a present
~~ everything I've said as yet.
t:::.ALICE (aside). A cheap sort of present! I·m glad they don't give
birthday presents like that U
DUCHESS. Thinking again?
ALICE. I've a right to think.
DUCHESS. Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and
1:11e m- (Enter QUEEN OF HEARTS who stands infront of her frown-
ing.) A :fine day, your Majesty I
QUEEN OF HEARTS. Now I give you fai~ warning (shouts and
ltamps on the ground), either you or your head must be off, and that
in about half no time. Take your choice !

Exit DUCHESS.

(To ALICE). Let's go back to the game.

Ezit QUEEN 1oho is heard shouting in the distance "Off with her
head / "
(CAT begin8 to appear in the tree.)
 54
t
ALlCE (a8'Lde). It's the Cheshire Cat; now I shall have somebody iIS
to talk to. ,dot
CAT. How are you getting on ?
ALICE. It's no use speaking to it till its ears have come, or a.t
"I
least one of them. I don't think they play at all fairly, and they all
quarrel 80 dreadfully one can't hear one's self speak - and they
don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are,
nobody attends to them - and you've no idea how confusing it is, all
the things being alive; for instance, there's the arch I've got to go
through Dext walking about at the other end of the ground - and I
should have croqueted the Queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran
away when it saw mine coming!
CAT. How do you like the Queen?
ALICE. Not at all; she's so extremely-(enter QUEEN, who stops
and listens) likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the
game (exit QUEEN Bmiling and is heard in the distance shouting, " Off
with llis head" ).

Enter KING OF HEARTS.

KING OF HEARTS. Who are you talking to ?
ALICE. It's a friend of mine- a Cheshire Cat - allow me to in-
troduce it.
KING OF HEARTS. I don't like the look of it at all; however, it
may kiss my band if it likes.
CAT. I'd rather not.
KING OF HEARTS. Don't be impertinent, and don't look at me
like that!
ALICE. A cat may look at a king. I've read that in Bome book,
but I don't remember where.
KING OF HEARTS. Well, it must be removed. (Enter QUEEN. To
QUEEN, who i8 pas8ing) My dear, I wish you would have this cat
removed.
QUEEN. Off with his head! (Exit.)
KING. I'll fetch the executioner myself (Exit.)

Reenter KING, QUEEN, EXECUTIONER, and others. All gaze at the

cat.

QUEEN OF HEARTS (roars). Off with his head! Off with his
head (to EXECUTIONER) at once, I say.
EXECUTIONER. You can't cut off a head unless there is a body to
cut it off from. I have never done such a thing before, and I am
Dot going to begin it at my time of life.
 55
KINa OF HEARTS. Anything that has a head can be beheaded.
So don't talk nonsense.
QUlI:BN OF HEARTS. If something isn't done about it in 1es8 than
DO time, I'll have everyone executed all round (consternation.
AU argue together at once, point to CAT, who fades away).
QuEBN OF HEARTS. Off with his head! Off with hiB head!
(.AoutB and conjusion).
Curtain.

(END OF ACT IV.)

 AC'I' V.
COURT.

KING OF HEARTS and QUEEN OF HEARTS on throne at back. JU'7/

box left,ftlled with animals who constantly write on their slates.
KNAVE in center, chained and guarded. Table beneath throne,
with dish of tarts on it. Lawyers writing at it. WHITE RABBIT
near KING OF HEARTS with trumpet. Other characters ranged
round.

ALICE (behind jury box, to GRYPHON). What are they writing?

They can't have anything to put down yet.
GRYPHON. They're putting down their names for fear they'd for-
get them before the end of the trial.
ALICE. Stupid things!
WHITE RABBIT. Silence in the court! (KING peers round. ALICE
looks over the shoulders of the jury).
ALICE (to GRYPHON). They're writing" stupid things" on their
slates, and one of them doesn't know how stupid and nice muddle
their slates will be in before the trial's over. (LIZARD'S pencil
squeaks. ALICE reaches oner his shoulder and takes it away. LIZ-
ARD goes on writing with his finger).
KING OF HEARTS. Herald, read the accusation.
WHITE RABBIT (blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parch1)umt
and reads).

" The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!"

KING OF HEARTS. Consider your verdict.

WHITE RABBIT (hastily). Not yet, not yet! There's a great deal
to come before that!
KING OF HEARTS. Call tbe first witness.
WHITE RABBIT (blows three blasts on the trul'npet). First witness!

Enter HATTER with a teacup in one hand and a piece qf bread and
butter in the other, followed by MARCH HA.RB and DORMOUSE.
56
 HATTER. I beg pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in; but
I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.
KING OF HEARTS. You ought to have finished. When did you
begin?
HATTER (looks at the MARCH HABE). Fourteentb of March, I
think it was.
MABCH HARE. Fifteenth.
DORMOUSE. Sixteenth.
KING OF HEARTS. Write that down (JURY all write eagerly, while
ALICE looks 011er their shoulders).
ALICE (to GRYPHON). Why, they have put down all three dates,
and have added them up, and are reducing them to pounds, shillings,
and pence.
KING OF HEARTS. Take off your hat.
HATTER. It isn't mine.
KING OF HEARTS. Stolen! (turning to the JURY, who instantly write).
HATTER. I keep them to sell; I've none of my own. I'm a
hatter (here the QUEEN puts on her spectacles and looks· ll,ard at
tAe HATTER, who turns pale andjidgets).
KING OF HEARTS. Give your evidence, and don't be nervous, or
rll have you executed on the spot.
ALICE begins to grotO larger.
DORMOUSE. I wish you wouldn't squeeze so. I can hardly breathe.
ALICE. I can't help it; I'm growing.
DORMOUSE •. You've no right to grow here.
ALICE. Don't talk nonsense; you know you're growing too.
DORMOUSE. Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace; not in that
ridiculous fashion (gets up, crosses the court, and sits on the. other side
end goes to sleep).
QUEEN OF HEARTS (to OFFICERS, staring at HATTER). Bring me
the list of the singers in the last concert!
KING OF HEARTS. Give your evidence, or I'll have you executed,
whether you're nervous or not.
HATTER. I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just
. begun my tea - not above a week or so - and what with the bread
~ and butter getting so tbin - and the twinkling of the tea-
KING OF HEARTS. The twinkling of what 1
HATTER. It began with the tea.
KING OF HEARTS. Of course twinkling begins with a T I Do you
take me for a dunce? Go on!
HATTER. I'm a poor man, and most tbings twinkled after that-
tDly the March Hare said-
MARCH HABE. I didn't!
 58
HATTBR. You did!
MABCH HARE. I deny it!
KING OF HBARTS. He denies it; leave out that part.
HATTER. Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said-After that, I cut
some more bread and butter-
ONE OF JURY. But what did the Dormouse say? AI

~
~n
HATTER. That I can't remember.
KING OF HEARTS. You must remember, or I'll have you ex-
ecuted. (HArrER drops hiB teacup and bread and butter, and goes KI
down on one knee.) pi
HATTER. I'm a poor man, your Majesty. j KI
KING OF HEARTS. You're a fJerg poor speaker (GUINEA. PIG fulE
cheerB and is put into a bag by the OFFIOERS). ~Ul
ALIOE (aBide). I'm glad I've seen that done. I've so often read :A
I
in the newspapers, at the end of tl-ials, " There was some attempt at :K
applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the i Q

court," and I never understood what it meant till now. ,A

KING OF HEARTS. If that's all you know about it, you may tegl
stand down. K
HATTER. I can't go no lower; I'm on the floor as it is. A
KING OF HEARTS. Then you may sit down (here the other IRA
GUINEA PIG cheers, and iB suppressed as before). 1
ALIOE (aside). COlne, that finishes the guinea pigs! Now we
shall get on better. ~I
HATTER. I'd rather finish my tea. pi
KING OF HEARTS. You may go (ezit HATTER hurriedly) -and
just take his head off outside. Call the next witness.
WHITE RABBIT (blows three blasts). Next witness! ~E

Enter COOK with pepper pot. All begin to sneeze aB 8he enteT8.
KING OF HEARTS. Give your evidence.
COOK. Shan't.
WHITE RABBIT. Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness. "
KING OF HEARTS (after much thought). What are tarts made of ? Ii
COOK. Pepper, mostly.
DORMOUSE. Treacle.
QUEEN OF HEARTS. Collar that Dormouse (yells). Behead that a
Dormouse! Turn tllat Dormouse out of court! Suppress him!
Pinch him! Off with his whiskers! (DORMOUSE remot)ed by OFFI- ,
eEBS. Exit COOK).
KING OF HEARTS. Call the next witness (to the QUEEN in an t:
aside). Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next wit-
ness; it quite makes my forehead acl1e. 1-
r

j
 59

WHITE RABBIT (blows three blasts). Next witness, Alice!

ALICE. Here!
KING OF HEARTS. What do you know about this business?
ALICE. Nothing.
KING OF HEARTS. Nothing whate'Der 1
ALICE. Nothing whatever.
KING OF HEARTS. That's very important.
WHITE RABBIT. Unimportant, your Majesty nleans, of course.
KING OF HEARTS. Unimportant, of course, I meant. (.ABide)
IDlportant-unimportant-unimportant-important.
KING OF HEARTS (who has been writing in hi8 note-book). Silence!
Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the
court. (All look at ALICE.)
ALICE. I'm not a mile high.
KING OF HEARTS. You are.
QUEEN OF HEARTS. Nearly two milcs high.
ALICE. Well, I shan't go, at any rate. Besides, that's not a
regular rule; you invented it just now.
KING OF HEARTS. It's the oldest rule in the book.
ALICE. Then it ought to be Number One (letter i8 handed to
RABBIT).
KING OF HEARTS (/tastily). Consider your verdict.
WHITE RABBIT. There's more evidence to come yet, please your
Majesty (jumping up in a fJreat hurry); this paper has just been
picked up.
QUEEN OF HEARTS. What's in it ?
WHITE RABBIT. I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a
letter written by the prisoner to - to somebody.
KING OF HE.A.RTS. It must have been that, unless it was written
to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.
JURY. Who is it directed to ?
WHITE RABBIT. It isn't directed at all; in fact, there's nothing
written on the out8ide (unfold.~ the paper). It isn't a letter, after all;
it's a set of verses.
JUUY. Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?
WHITE RABBIT. No, they're not; and that's the queerest thing
I about it (the JURY all look lJuzzled).
KING OF HEARTS. He must have imitated somebody else's hand
(the JURY all brighten up again).
KNAVE OF HEARTS. Please yOUI" Majesty, I didn't wI-ite it, and
they can't prove I did; there's no name signed at the end.
KING OF HEARTS. If you didn't sign it, that only makes the
matter ,\vorsc. You ntltst have meant some mischief, or else you'd
 60
have signed your name like an honest man (general clapping oj
kand8).
QUEBN OF HEARTS. That prOfJes his guilt.
ALICE. It proves notlling of the S\lrt! Why, you don't even know
what they're abou~!
KIlIG OF HEARTS. Read them.
WHITE RABBIT (puts on his spectacles). Whel'e shall I begiJ,
please your Majesty?
KING OF HEARTS. Begin at the beginning (gra-oely) and go 011
till you come to the end, then stop.
WHITE RABBIT (reads).

"They told me you had been to her,

And mentioned me to him:
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.
" He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true);
If she should push the matter on,
" What would become of you?
"I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.
"If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.
"My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and oUl'selves, and it.
"Don't let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me."

KING OF" HEARTS. That's the most important piece of evidence

we've heard yet (rubbing his hands) so now let the jury -
ALICE. If anyone of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence.
I don't believe there's an atoln of meaning in it.
 The End.

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