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HOW TO STOP YELLING

AND START CONNECTINGStrategies That Work

Dr. Hanaa- Early Childhood Education & Conscious Parenting Coach

 GROUNDED UPBRINGING
How to stop yelling and start connecting

TABLE OF CONTENTS

01. How to stop yelling and start connecting

02. Understanding Anger and Triggers

03. Anger Iceberg

04. There are 2 main reasons why we get triggered

Identifying Your Triggers

05. Connect to your sensory calming tool

06. Trigger Tracker

07. The Yelling Chart

08. The Most Powerful Tool: Repair

09. 4 simple steps that can help you repair a rupture:

10. Final thoughts + References

Dr. Hanaa- Early Childhood Education & Conscious Parenting Coach

 HOW TO STOP YELLING
AND START CONNECTING
As parents, we yell for all kinds of reasons. We yell because our kids don’t
listen and because we’re tired. We yell when something goes wrong, and
we yell because we lose our patience. We yell over spilled milk and
lost shoes and when we are running late. If you’re reading this
guide, you probably know all about yelling.

If we quiet down and think about all that shouting, the reality is most
of us don’t want to yell. We don’t like that we yell as much as we do
and wish to change But somehow, that only feeds the cycle, and
we end up yelling all the more, feeling helpless to stop.

You need to hear this one thing: You are not helpless.

You CAN stop yelling. Together, we’re going to walk through

understanding our yelling and practical ways we can
change to become more peaceful in our parenting.

WHY DO WE YELL?
The sad truth about why we yell is that yelling is a habit.
Like putting on your seatbelt when you get in the car or
turning on the dishwasher before bed, yelling is a habit
you’ve created or learned from your parents.

You’ve likely created this habit in association with certain

things. Maybe you yell when you feel a certain way or
when your kids bicker in the backseat. Perhaps it’s only
when you feel rushed or step on a lego for the
tenth time this week. Whatever it is, you have
likely developed this habit.

The good thing about habits is that you can change them.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY KID TO LISTEN?

“I have to yell! My kids won’t listen any other way.”

Have you ever felt like this? Sometimes we can ask multiple times, and it
seems like our kids don’t even hear us. Finally, we get fed up and yell.

So, why is it like this? Why don’t kids just listen the first time we ask them
something? Fortunately, the answer is simple. Unfortunately, it has more
to do with us rather than our kids. The way we speak to our kids matters.

If you’ve been yelling for them to do things, they have become

conditioned to wait for that yelling to listen. That’s not ideal for you or
them. It’s not that they are not listening. It’s just that they’ve learned

01.
 over time that they don’t need to listen until they hear you yelling.

The way you speak to them also has a big impact. Think about
what you say to your child in a day. Chances are there are a lot
of directives and negative-sounding things. Plus, you may
tell to do something when they simply don’t want to.

Imagine you were in the middle of watching a great movie. The plot
is moving along, and you can tell you’re right at the good part. And
then someone tells you to turn off the television. You may not want to
do that. You may even ignore the person just to finish what you’re doing.

Kids are doing things they want to do as well. When we interrupt

them and insist they do something else, they may not want
to listen because they’re having too much fun. That’s why we
need to consider what we say and how and when we say it.

“But don’t my kids just need to listen to me? I am the parent!”

Yes. They do. But getting there takes a different approach than some of us
are used to. Communicating to your child respectfully will invite them to
listen and respond promptly. This way, there's no need to raise your voice.

UNDERSTANDING ANGER AND TRIGGERS

Often, anger is a protective response that covers up deeper feelings and
emotions. To truly tackle yelling, we need to take a good look at why
we’re really angry. And that means being vulnerable and honest.

When your child spills their snack all over the floor, we tend to think
we’re angry about the mess. But that anger stems from something
deeper. The way we get there is by asking why.

Why am I angry about the mess? Because I have to clean it up.

Why does that upset me? Because I feel like all I do is clean up after people.

Why does it feel that way? Because no one helps me. It’s all my responsibility.

Why does that responsibility upset me? Because it’s too much and I’m overwhelmed.

The problem isn’t the applesauce oozing its way across the kitchen
floor. The problem (in this example) is feeling overwhelmed.

When you identify why you are angry, you can begin to find solutions.

A common word associated with anger is trigger. People say they feel
triggered by something that happens, resulting in them lashing out in anger.

Feeling triggered is something that we have all felt as parents.

02.
 Our child's behaviour is what usually triggers us. Sometimes, what they
say, do, or feel can activate this automatic negative response in return.
You might start yelling, lashing out, shutting down, crying, or you might
feel the need to punish or shame your child due to your trigger.

During a moment of a trigger, if we cannot press that pause

bottom and self-regulate, we might say or do things that we wouldn't
normally do, and we would probably feel pretty guilty about it later.

ANGER ICEBERG
This is what
Reference from original visual: The Gottman Institute

you can see

from the surface This is how anger
of Anger... works. There is often
underlying emotions
that come with it

ANGER
SADNESS DEFEATED STRESS
ANNOYED HELPLESS
SHAME HURT EMBARRASSED
GUILT LONELY
GRUMPY INSECURE
TRAPPED OVERWHELM REJECTED
ANXIOUS FEAR WORRY
REGRET TRAUMA
GRIEF

03.
 But why do we get triggered in the first place?

THERE ARE 2 1. As a result of a childhood encounter

or experience. This includes our
MAIN REASONS upbringing, schooling, and family
or friend encounters.
WHY WE GET 2. Your needs are
TRIGGERED: going unmet.

CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE
It may surprise you that your childhood, so long ago, still affects you
today. But what we learn before age 6 shapes who we are and how
we respond to our adult experience on deep, unconscious levels.

And, because the treatment we receive as children is our blueprint

for how people should treat children, our upbringing has a
profound influence on our relationship with our children.
Most of the time, triggers activate old wounds from childhood:
situations that may have evoked emotions while we were kids.

UNMET NEEDS
We all tend to neglect our basic needs. When life gets too busy and
challenging, you might start grabbing whatever is in front of you to eat,
drink more coffee, have more sugar, get little sleep, and stop moving
and exercising your body. Unfortunately, these behaviours result in
our basic needs going unmet.

Getting the basics are not glamorous, and they might not give us this hit
of intense joy or solve and fix everything. However, they are "cash in the
health bank," as Dr. Julie Smith says. "When life starts throwing things
at you, these basic needs are what will keep you standing and pick
you up if you fall. Your basic needs keep us running and enable us to
face the challenges of parenthood with more confidence and patience.”

IDENTIFYING YOUR TRIGGERS

To help you move past yelling, you need to understand what triggers you
are dealing with. This can mean spending some time thinking about
your past or considering your day and what needs may be unmet.

Try thinking about each of the things listed below.

Circle any that you feel affected by.

04.
 SENSORY BASIC NEEDS NOT MET
Too hot Unshowered
Too cold Hungry
Touched too much Tired
Uncomfortable clothing Dehydrated
Too loud Any physical pain
Too bright Have to go to the
Itchy skin bathroom

STRESS
Financial concerns AS YOU RECOGNIZE
Disagreements with others WHAT TRIGGERS YOU ARE
(spouse, friends, family) FACING, CONSIDER HOW
Too much to do
YOU CAN CHANGE THEM.
Worry and anxiety WHEN YOU DEAL WITH
Job stress YOUR TRIGGERS, YOU
Big changes like new babies, REDUCE THE RISK OF
moves, divorce, or the YELLING AT YOUR KIDS.
death of a loved one

IN THE MOMENT, CONNECT TO

YOUR SENSORY CALMING TOOL
Remember, there is no “One size fits all.” What works
for others doesn’t mean it will also work for you.

You need to play around with different sensory calming

tools and see which ones best support you in finding
inner safety and peace.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES:

- Closing your eyes and focusing - Moving your body or dancing around
on deep breathing (I know this sounds silly, but it truly works)
- squeezing your hand. Open, shut, - Pushing up against a wall
squeeze and then relax your hands - Running on the spot
- Stepping outside - Jumping jacks
- Giving yourself a hug and rock slightly - Chewing on ice
- Washing your face or - Laying down on earth
hands with cold water - Praying

These sensory tools can help you tune into your body, regulate, and create safety.

05.
 TRIGGER TRACKER
As you start paying attention to what triggers you, you will be
aware and empowered to make changes. Use this chart or a
journal to help you track important details such as:

- Date & time - Any physical, social,

- Who you yelled at or emotional warning signs
- Why you yelled - What you could have
- What other things were going on done differently

TRIGGER TRACKER
Date and Who did What made What was Possible
My thoughts
time: I yell at? me angry? I doing? trigger

06.
 THE YELLING CHART
Tracking your progress is an essential part of improvement. Use this chart to
mark times when you yell. At the end of the day, make it a goal to yell less
the next day. Don’t worry about being perfect. It’s all about improving.

THE YELLING CHART

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

07.
 THE MOST POWERFUL
TOOL: REPAIR
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. And because we
are not perfect, it means that we will sometimes mess up.

We all have days where we are just tired; either we didn't get a good night's
sleep, or we have overfilled our schedule, or something is stressing us at work
or in our relationship with our spouse, OR we might simply get triggered!

You might think, okay, so I messed up; I yelled at my child. Now what?
The most important tool you can use as a peaceful parent is REPAIR.

WHAT IS REPAIR, AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

It occurs when something doesn't feel good to you or your child.
Repair helps make things feel better between you two. It’s how
you reconnect after a moment of disconnection.

Anyone can use repair in any relationship because every relationship

sometimes goes through hard moments. EVERY RELATIONSHIP has what
Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a "rupture." Rupture is when a person who needs
to feel connected is left feeling disconnected, alone, or even ashamed.

We want to teach our children that relationships are not perfect but that after a
rupture comes repair. We always have a choice to make things better.
We all have a choice to repair the rupture that we created.

When we teach that to our children at a young age, and throughout their life,
they will go into the world knowing that all relationships have tricky, tough
moments. It’s normal. Nothing is wrong with them or the other person.

REPAIR IS NOT ABOUT BLAMING AND SHAMING YOUR CHILD.

WHEN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU MESSED UP, YOU MUSTN'T
BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR CHOICES OR ACTIONS.

Here is a mindset shift that can help

you during moments like this

“My response is my responsibility” we are responsible for how we respond no

matter what your child or the other person has said or done. And no matter
how frustrated you are. The words that come out of your mouth are your
responsibility. And the words that come out of your child’s or the
other person’s mouth are their responsibility.

When you are repairing the rupture, don’t use phrases like
“But you” or “I’m sorry, but if you just listened, I wouldn’t have done
that.” These phrases don’t demonstrate an authentic apology
because you still blame the other person for your words and actions.

OKAY, you might be thinking, “I just yelled at my child, know what?”

08.
 1. Place your feet on the ground
and your hand on your heart.
4 SIMPLE STEPS
THAT CAN HELP 2. Take deep breaths
YOU REPAIR 3. Say a mantra
A RUPTURE:
4. Repair with your child

HERE IS WHAT THIS WOULD LOOK LIKE:

When you place your feet on the ground and your hand
on your heart, this position indicates stillness, a pause.

Take LONGGG deep breaths.

A mantra is to help you repair with yourself “I’m a good parent who
was having a hard time. I didn’t mess up my child. I can repair.
This is my response, and it’s my responsibility to repair.”

Let’s pause for a second on this third point. We must take some time
to repair with ourselves first; taking the time to take deep breaths and
being compassionate with yourself helps your repair be more sincere.

Moving away from a place of shame and

guilt to a place of forgiveness and compassion.

Finally, go back to your child to repair. This might sound like, “I was having
a hard time earlier with my big feelings. That probably scared you when
you heard me yell. I’m still working on managing my big feelings
so I can show up differently next time. I love you, and I’m here for you.”

REMEMBER,
IT'S NEVER
TOO LATE
TO REPAIR.
09.
 GROUNDED UPBRINGING
The power of being present

CLOSING THOUGHTS
You can stop yelling. Trust the process. As you work through
this process, remember to give yourself grace. Beating yourself
up every time you shout won’t help you yell less; it will only
make you more frustrated. Instead, remind yourself of the truth:

I am learning to yell less.

Permit yourself to be in the process. As you do, you will discover how much
easier it is to overcome yelling and be the peaceful parent you long to be.

REFERENCES

01. Coulson, Justin. (2016). Practical Tips to

Help Parents Stop Yelling.
http://family-studies.org/practical-tips-to-help-parents-stop-yelling/print/.

02. Interview with Daniel Siegel, MD. MentalHelp.net.

https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/interview-with-daniel-siegel-md/.

03. Rosensweet, Sarah. (n.d.) How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids.

https://www.sarahrosensweet.com/.

04. Rueter, Amanda. (2016). The Stop Yelling Handbook.

Messy Motherhood.

Dr. Hanaa- Early Childhood Education & Conscious Parenting Coach