Humor and stories for interpreters: Our crazy English

language!
David Bar-Tzur

Links updated monthly with the help of LinkAlarm.

(The image above is from Guide to grammar and writing.)

hat's UP?

There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two
letter word it's UP. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the
top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
wewarm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and
some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and
this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open
UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper

uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP
takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are
UP to it, you might trybuilding UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will
take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it
doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.

unctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words :

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

eorge Carlin strikes again

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles
of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee
Titans?

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called
Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a
racecar is not called a racist?

8. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

9. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

10. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

11. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

n interpreter's advice to the teacher

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial

sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations,
beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications
possess a clarified conciseness, a compacted comprehensibleness, coalescent
consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of
flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have

intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity,
psittaceous vacuity ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun
double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or
apparent!! And, don't teach with big words!

f GH can stand for P, as in "Hiccough",

If OUGH stands for O, as in "Dough";
if PHTH stands for T, as in "Phthisis";
if EIGH stands for A, as in "Neighbour";
f TTE stands for T, as in "Gazette";
if EAU stands for O, as in "Plateau";

Then, the right way to spell POTATO should be:

GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
 ur queer English language

We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

But the plural of mouse in not ever meese.

You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice,

But the plural of house is still never hice.

If the plural of man is always men

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

If a singular this is a plural these

Should the plural of kiss ever be keese?

We speak of a brother and also call brethren,

And though we say mother we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

- Alice Hess Beveridge

 lost my appetite!

If GH stands for P as in "hiccough",

if OUGH stands for O as in "dough",
if PHTH stands for T as in "phthisis
if EIGH stands for A as in "neighbor",
if TTE stands for T as in "gazette", and
if EAU stands for O as in "plateau", then

the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

o wonder English is so hard to learn!

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
 ints on pronunciation for Foreigners!

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead --
For goodness sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,

Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear;
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose,

And corek and work and card and ward,

And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart --
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!

nglish pronunciation
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation
I shall teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I shall keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy,
 Tear in eye your hair you'll tear,
Queer fair seer, hear my prayer!
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade;
Say, said, pay, paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague.
But be careful how you speak,
Say gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak;
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Recipe, pipe, studding sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low;
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, ailes,
Exiles, similes, reviles,
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining;
Scholar, vicar and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal and canal
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it".
But is it not hard to tell
Why it's pal, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, goal, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion;
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Ivy, privy, famous. Clamour
Has the "a" of drachm and hammer.
Fussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, dessert, address
From desire - desirable, admirable from admire;
Lumber, plumber, bier but brier/briar;
Chatham, brougham, renown but known,
Knowledge, gone, but done and tone!
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading (the town), heathen, Heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, mirth,
plinth!
Billet does not end like ballet,
Wallet, mallet, bouquet, chalet.
 Blood and flood are not like good,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Bouquet is not nearly parquet,
Which most often rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad;
Forward, toward, but reward.
Ricochet, croqueting, croquet.
Right! Your pronunciation's okay.
Sounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Don't forget: It's heave but heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven
We say, hallow, but allow,
People, leopard, tow and vow.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between, mover, plover, Dover!
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice.
Shoes, goes, does; now first say "finger";
Then say "singer, ginger, linger".
Real, seal; mauve, gauze and gauge.
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth,
loth/loath;
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Say "oppugnant" but "oppugns";
Sowing, bowing. Banjo tunes
Sound in yachts or in canoes.
Puisne, truism, use, to use.
Though the difference seems little,
Do say "actual" but "victual".
Seat, sweat, earn; Leigh, light and height,
Put, pus, granite and unite.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffor, Kaffir, zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull; Geoffrey, late and eight,
Hint but pint, senate, sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas (the state),
Balsam, almond. You want more?
Golf, wolf; countenance; lieutenants
Host in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier; tomb, bomb, comb;
Cow but Cowper, some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither devour with clangour.
Soul but foul, and gaunt but aunt;
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close but close,
Paradise, rise, rose and dose.
Say inveigh, neigh, and inveigle
make the latter rhyme with eagle.
 Mind! Meandering but mean,
Serpentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say manifold like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel! Pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure-trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove.
Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw
Lien, phthisis, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet - buffet!
Brook, stood, rook, school, wool and stool,
Worcester, Boleyn, foul and ghoul.
With an accent pure and sterling
You say year, but some say yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint -
Mind the "z"! (a gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention
To such words as I don't mention:
Words like pores, pause, pours and paws
Rhyming with the pronoun "yours".
Proper names are not included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny names like Glamis and Vaughan,
Ingestre, Tintagel, Strachan.
Nor, my maiden fair and comely,
Do I want to speak of Cholmondeley
Or of Froude (compared with proud
It's no better than Macleod).
Sea, idea, Guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Sally with ally. Yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, hey, quay.
Say aver but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess, it is not safe;
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device and eyrie,
Face, but preface and grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass,
Bass (the fish); gin, give and verging,
Ought, oust, joust, scour and scourging.
Ear but earn. Mind! Wear and tear
Do not rhyme with "here" but "ear".
Row, row, sow, sow, bow, bow, bough;
Crow but brow. Please, tell me now:
What's a slough and what's a slough?
 (Make these rhyme with "cuff" and "cow").
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen.
Monkey, donkey, clerk but jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
Say serene but sirene. Psyche
must be made to rhyme with "spiky".
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones like whoop and gunwale,
Islington, but Isle of Wight,
Houswife, verdict but indict -
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying gather, bather, lather?
Tell me, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, cough, lough or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup" -
My advice is - give it up.
- George de Trenite

nce I was interpreting for a department meeting (in America) and the
team manager was from England. When they met a deadline successfully she
said, "Let's have a legs-up!" Everyone looked at each other and started to roar!
My hands stopped in mid-motion, searching my memory banks for what that
might mean. Afterwards they asked her what she meant. A "legs-up" is a party
(not the kind of gathering the workers had imagined). When asekd for an
explanation she said she thought it had something to do with dancing. As we are
all aware, British English and American English have many words and
expressions that are not common to both ("bollocks") or if they are ("napkin")
have very different meanings between the two. Here are a long list of examples
going both ways: England to USA dictionary and USA to England dictionary.

- David Bar-Tzur

easons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

nglish Trivia

Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that
can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using
only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates
hands.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a
year with new growth.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The

following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful
ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough,
he coughed and hiccoughed.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does
arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it
means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound
Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for libra/Lb. with a stroke
through it to indicate abbreviation. Same goes for the Italian lira which uses the
same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went
metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d"

The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is
Afghanistan.

neumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis n [NL, fr. Gk pneumo-

n + ISV ultramicroscopic + NL silicon + ISV volcano + Gk konis dust] : a
pneumoconiosis caused by the inhalation of very fine silicate or quartz dust

[The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.]

onorificabilitudinity Obs. rare - 0. [ad. med.L. honorificabilitudinitas

(Mussatus c 1300 in Du Cange), a grandiose extension of honorificabilitudo
honourableness

The longest word Shakespeare ever used, is a variant of today's word. -Anu

"I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word; for thou art not so
long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier swallowed
than a flap-dragon." [Love's Labour's Lost, Act 5, Scene 1]

hen the English tongue we speak,

Why is "break" not rhymed with "freak"?
And the maker of a verse
Cannot cap his "horse" with "worse"?
"Beard" sounds not the same as "heard."
"Cord" is different from "word".
"Cow" is cow, but "low is low.
"Shoe" is never rhymed with "foe."
Think of "hose" and "dose" and "lose",
And of "goose" and yet of "choose."
Think of "comb" and "tomb" and "bomb",
"Doll" and"roll" and "home " and "some."
And since "pay" is rhymed with "say,"
Why not "paid" and "said," I pray?
We have "blood" and "food" and "good."
"Mould" is not pronounced like "could."
Wherefore "done," but "gone" and "one"?
Is there any reason known?
And, in short, it seems to me,
Sounds and letters disagree

What about "cough" and "through" and "tougher"

Which don't sound anything like each other.
"Thorough" can be made to rhyme with "dough,:
But "bough" sounds like "cow" and not like "though".
"Draught" is spelled a lot like " taught",
But only one of them sounds like "bought."
We haven't mentioned "laughter" or "daughter,"
Neither of which is spelled like it oughter.
Everyone says that " might" makes "right."
So how come "eight" doesn't rhyme with "sleight"?
"Trough" can rhyme with "off" or "moth",
And on that note, I'll end this froth.

- quoted in Ann Landers

et's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why
is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2
geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why
didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for
the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which
an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you
noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you
ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown Met a sung hero or experienced
requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in
which an alarm clock goes off by going on. Why is "crazy man" and insult, while
to insert a comma and say, "crazy, man!" is a compliment (as when applauding a
jazz performance.)

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of
the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars
are out, the are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. Any why,
when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

he Importance Of Correct Punctuation, Games Magazine (1984)

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever
when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

OR

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

Gloria

at chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

There is a whole collection of words called "Janus-faced" or "contronym" words.

Examples:

(source "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer)

WITH: a) alongside b) against

a) England fought with France against Germany.
b) England fought with France.

CLIP: a) fasten b) separate

a) Clip the coupon to the newspaper
b) Clip the coupon from the newspaper

FAST: a) firmly in one place b) rapidly from on place to another

a) The pegs held the test fast.
b) She ran fast.
BOLT: a) to secure in place b) to dart away
a) I'll bolt the door.
b) Did you see the horse bolt?

TRIM: a) add things to b) cut away

a) Let's trim the Christmas tree.
b) Let's trim the hedge.

DUST: a) remove material from b) spread material on

a) Three times a week they dust the floor.
b) Three times each season they dust the crops.

WEATHER: a) withstand b) wear away

a) Strong ships weather storms.
b) Wind can weather rocks.

HANDICAP: a) advantage b) disadvantage

a) What's your handicap in golf?
b) His lack of education is a handicap.

COMMENCEMENT: a) beginning b) conclusion

a) Beautiful weather marked the commencement of spring.
b) She won an award at her high school commencement.

HOLD UP: a) support b) hinder

a) Please hold up the sagging branch.
b) Accidents hold up the flow of traffic.

KEEP UP: a) continue to fall b) continue to stay up

a) The farmers hope that the rain will keep up.
b) Damocles hoped that the sword above his head would keep up.

LEFT: a) departed from b) remaining

a) Ten people left the room
b) Five people were left in the room.

DRESS: a) put items on b) remove items from

a) Let's dress for the ball
b) Let's dress the chicken for cooking
TEMPER: a) soften b) strengthen
a) You must temper your anger with reason.
b) Factories temper steel with additives.

CLEAVE: a) separate b) adhere firmly

a) A strong blow will cleave a plank in two.
b) Bits of metal cleave to a magnet.

STRIKE: a) secure in place b) remove

a) Use a firm grip to strike the nail.
b) When the show is over, we'll strike the set.

GIVE OUT: a) produce b) stop producing

a) A good furnace will give out enough energy to heat the house.
b) A broken furnace will often give out.

SANCTION: a) give approval of b) censure

a) The NCAA plans to sanction the event
b) Should our country impose a new sanction on Libya?

SCREEN: a) view b) hide from view

a) Tonight the critics will screen the film.
b) Defensemen mustn't screen the puck.

OVERSIGHT: a) careful supervision b) neglect

a) The foreman was responsible for the oversight of the project.
b) The foreman's oversight ruined the success of the project.

QUALIFIED: a) competent b) limited

a) The candidate for the job was fully qualified.
b) The dance was a qualified success.

MOOT: a) debatable b) not worthy of debate

a) Capital punishment is a moot point.
b) That the earth revolves around the sun is a moot point.

CERTAIN: a) definite b) difficult to specify

a) I am certain about what I want in life.
b) I have a certain feeling about the plan.
MORTAL: a) deadly b) subject to death
a) The knight delivered a mortal blow.
b) All humans are mortal.

BUCKLE: a) fasten together b) fall apart

a) Safe drivers buckle their sear belts.
b) Unsafe buildings buckle at the slightest tremor of the earth.

TRIP: a) to stumble b) to move gracefully

a) Don't trip on the curb.
b) Let's trip the light fantastic.

PUT OUT: a) generate b) extinguish

a) The candle put out enough light for us to see.
b) Before I went to bed, I put out the candle.

UNBENDING: a) rigid b) relaxing

a) On the job Smith is completely unbending.
b) Relaxing on the beach is a good way of unbending.

WEAR: a) endure through use b) decay through use

a) This suit will wear like iron.
b) Water can cause mountains to wear.

SCAN: a) examine carefully b) glance at hastily

a) I scan the poem.
b) Each day, I scan the want ads.

FIX: a) restore b) remove part of

a) It's time to fix the fence.
b) It's time to fix the bull.

SEEDED: a) with seeds b) without seeds

a) The rain nourished the seeded field.
b) Would you like some seeded raisins?

CRITICAL: a) opposed b) essential to

a) Joanne is critical of our effort
b) Joanne is critical to our effort.
THINK BETTER: a) admire more b) be suspicious of
a) I think better of the first proposal than the second.
b) If I were you, I'd think better of that proposal.

TAKE: a) obtain b) offer

a) Professional photographers take good pictures.
b) Professional models take good pictures.

IMPREGNABLE: a) invulnerable to penetration b) able to be impregnated

a) The castle was so strongly built that it was impregnable.
b) Treatments exist for making a childless woman more impregnable.

BELOW PAR: a) excellent b) poor

a) Her below par score won the golf tournament.
b) I'm disappointed in you below par performance on the spelling test.

DOWN HILL: a) adverse b) easy

a) When the source of the capital dried up, the fortunes of the corporation went
down hill.
b) After you switch to diet drinks, it will be all down hill for your weight-loss
program.

WIND UP: a) start b) end

a) I have to wind up my watch.
b) Now I have to wind up this discussion of curious and contrary contronyms.

- Stan Niles

Abused English

Beepilepsy

Codas (Children of Deaf Adults)

Code of Ethics

Deafblind folk

Deaf people in cartoons

Deaf poetry
Deaf pride

Educational interpreters

Educational interpreters

Fake deaf person

For IEP (ITP) students

For IEP (ITP) teachers

Fun with language

General Deaf humor and musings

Getting serious about Deaf humor

The hazards of deafness

In a spell. A fingerspell, that is.

Interpreter error

Interpreter pride

Is there an interrupter in the house?

Legal interpreting

Medical interpreting

Mental health interpreting

Oh Lord! Don't hear my voice!

Performing arts

Religious interpreting

Riddles

The strange world of the Hearing

 Team interpreting

Unusual interpreting assignments

War stories

You can pick your assignments, and your consumer can pick his nose, but then
you can't interpret that consumer's assignments

Your assessment is on the line

Home
- D. V. Lopez

he following questions and answers were collected from SAT tests

given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death. (sounds right to me)

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his xhead.

Q: What's a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

- David Bar-Tzur

umor for the thinking person

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson, "Where's the self-help

section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an Asian man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

inners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"

contest

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the
dangers of looking at solar eclipses without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at
7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\

aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy
would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russel
Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison,m Ala.)

John and Mary never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of a
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara
Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Bill Feeny,
Washington)

ow our ASL probably looks to native signers

The following are true examples of signs (placards, not sign language) in foreign
countries, written in an English of sorts to inform (and inadvertently amuse)
Anglophones.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of
the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the
house of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Czechoslavakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours --
we guarantee no miscarriages.
 Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand : Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop -- Drive Sideways.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you
are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, please give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
the best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates -- If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

hose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

How come "abbreviation" is such a long word?

If it is zero degrees outside today, and it it supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be
called "builts"?

Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Does it turn sweet?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say the universe is expanding, what is
it expanding into?

If I got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver
end up owing me money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make
fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near-miss?

Why are there 5 syllables in "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outside?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open it is not adore?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of "progress"?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.

hirty six politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He feel out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolutions CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between his goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than

ord of the day.

arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web.
Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
decaflon, n:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them
rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, n:
 An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented
on. Also known as ETry.
faunacated, adj
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence
faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.
Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
hemaglobe, n:
The bloody state of the world.
intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting
off to sleep.

DULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
 An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Rules for better writing. . . not!

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking
ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell
me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole;
not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 hat is it like to be deaf?

People have asked me.

Deaf? Oh, hmmm, how do I explain that?

Simply, I can't hear.

Nooo, it is much more than that.

It is similar to a goldfish in a bowl.

Always observing things going on.

People talking all the time.

It is being a man on his own island

Among foreigners.

Isolation is no stranger to me.

Relatives say hi and bye.

But I sit for five hours among them.

Talking great pleasure at amusing babies.

Reading books, resting, helping out with food.

Natural curiosity perks up

Upon seeing great laughter, crying, upsetness.

Inquire only to meet with "Never mind",

"Oh, it is not important,"

Getting such a summarized statement

of whole story.
Supposed to smile to show the happiness.

Little do they know how truly miserable I am.

People are in control of language usage,

I am at loss and real uncomfortable!

Always feeling of being an outsider

Among the hearing people

Even if it was not their intention.

Always assume that I am part of them

By my physical presence, not understanding

The importance of communication.

Facing the choice between the Deaf Camping

Weekend and Family Reunion.

Facing the choice between the family commitment

And Deaf friends,

I must make the choice constantly,

Any wonder why I choose Deaf friends???

I get such great pleasure at Deaf Clubs,

Before I realized, it is already 2 a.m.,

Whereas I anxiously look at the clock

Every few minutes in the family reunion.

With Deaf people, I am so normal,

Our communication flows back and forth,

 Catching up with little trivials, our daily life,

Our frustration in the bigger world,

Seeking the mutual understanding,

Contented smiles, and laughing are musical.

So magical to me

So attuned to each other's feelings.

Truly happiness so important.

I feel more at home with Deaf people

Of various color, religious, short or tall,

Then I do among my own hearing relatives.

And wonder why?

Our language is common.

We understand each other.

Being at loss in control

Of environment, that is, communication,

People panic and retreat to avoidance,

Deaf people are like plague.

But Deaf people are still human beings

With dreams, desires and needs

Of belong just like everyone else.

- Dianne Switras
 rother Harold

"Brother Harold was a deaf man,"

Said the preacher with a tear,

"But today he's up in heaven,

And today he can hear.

"Brother Harold could not speak,

So he talked with his hands,

But today he speaks with God,

And at last, God understands.

"Brother Harold was a sinner,

Like the rest of us," he screamed.

But no longer is he silent,

For his sins have been redeemed."

And the people in the chapel

Who prayed for his soul

Rejoiced at the conviction

That Harold was now whole.

But as I sat among the mourners

And recalled the Dad I knew

I asked myself the question:

"Is this message really true?

"Are deaf folks simply hearing folks

Whose ears do not perform?

Are women just like men
Except for function and for form?

"Are black folks just like white folks

But for the color of their skin?

Are all of us the same

If we but look deep within?

"Or is each of us unique

In what we are and what we give?

Aren't our differences our strengths?"

Let me share what I believe.

I believe if there's a heaven

It's a place not so very far

Where our differences are valued

And we're accepted as we are.

And I believe if there's a God.

He or She understands,

For He listens with his heart,

And he talks with his hands.
- Robert Ingram

he best friend of the deaf is not the fellow who gives them advice and
assistance. It is the man who asks them for it.

- George Propp in The Nebraska Journal.

 here are people who think deafness is a handicap purely because they
are under the illusion that they are saying something worth hearing.

- unknown

he problem is not that the [deaf] students do not hear. The problem is
that the hearing world does not listen.

- Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, 1988 (at Gallaudet)

www.theinterpretersfriend.com/misc/humr/abused.html

TOM JONES LYRICS

"16 Tons"

[1vsl]
Some people say a man is made out of mud well a poor man's
made outta
muscle and blood..Muscle and blood and skin and bone..and a
mind
that's weak..but a back thats strong.
[2vs]
And he was born one morning when the sun didn't shine..
He picked up his shovel and he went to the mines
He loaded 16 tons of that number 9 coal..Til-
the Straw boss said Well-uh b-less my soul!
[CHR]
You load 16 tons and whaddaya get??
another day older and deeper in dept
Saint Peter don'tcha call me 'Cause-
I can't go...I owe my soul to the Company
Store
[3vs]
So if you see him coming..you better step aside,-
Alot of men didn't and alot of men died.
He's got one fist of iron, and the other of
steel..And if the right one doesn't get you..
Then the night one will...
[CHR]