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GAMSAT S2: Sample Essay 5

The document discusses the importance of ensuring justice for others. It begins with a quote from Thomas Paine about guarding one's enemies from oppression in order to secure one's own liberty. The document then shares a personal anecdote where the author contemplated sabotaging her exam by leaving, which would have negatively impacted other students. She realized this plan was selfish since others had worked hard to prepare. The moral is that seeking justice for oneself requires ensuring justice for others.

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25 views2 pages

GAMSAT S2: Sample Essay 5

The document discusses the importance of ensuring justice for others. It begins with a quote from Thomas Paine about guarding one's enemies from oppression in order to secure one's own liberty. The document then shares a personal anecdote where the author contemplated sabotaging her exam by leaving, which would have negatively impacted other students. She realized this plan was selfish since others had worked hard to prepare. The moral is that seeking justice for oneself requires ensuring justice for others.

Uploaded by

J
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Quotation: "He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from

oppression." - Thomas Paine

He that would make his own liberty is a warrior. He that would guard the security of another, be it
one of his own or an enemy, is a hero.

In Buddhist teachings, it is mentioned that we should treat others the way we want to be treated.
If everyone followed this simple rule, evil could be banished from earth. To portrait this message,
let us take the competition for entering medical school as an example; sitting the GAMSAT to be
more specific.

This incident occurred when I was first sitting the GAMSAT. After the first paper, we had a lunch
break. When it was time to go back to the examination hall I was waiting in line with thousands of
other students. As I was quite anxious about the exam and because I felt that I wasn’t well
prepared, I started contemplating my preparation and my revising skills. I wished I could go back
in time and re-do those practice tests under exam conditions, not procrastinate and study ever so
harder. While I was waiting in the queue, I learnt that the students were being checked in to the
exam venue once again. The names of the students were being ticked off as done prior to
commencing the first paper. I also learnt that, the exam will not be resumed until all students
have taken their seats.

In this instance a devious plan crept into my mind. I turned to the girl next to me and said with a
smile, “What if we went home now. They wouldn’t be able to proceed with the exam”. The girl
looked at me with disappointment, “I won’t be happy about that. I have trained so hard for this
exam. I did not come all this way to find out that the exam cannot go on”.

It was at that moment, that I realised, how selfish my decision was. I had not spared a moment to
think what effect it would have on all the other candidates. I took some time to reflect on the
matter. How would I have felt if I was in this girl’s position? I would surely be enraged and
helpless if it was to happen to me after all the time, effort and money spent preparing for the
exam. I abandoned my plan and walked into the examination hall hoping to do the best I can. The
moral of the story is that, it is important to ensure justice to others in order to seek justice for
ourselves.

Score: 44-50

Comments:

The essay opened with a strong introduction. Command of language is also good except for some
vocabulary slips:
* portray (verb), not portrait (noun);
*learned (past tense), not learnt (past participle).

The candidate seems to have a flair for articulating her ideas in a subtle yet sincere way. The
narrative style worked effectively in driving her point. However, the discussion still needs more
supporting details to elaborate the significance of ensuring justice for others. The concluding
sentence likewise sounds hurried.

Suggestions for improvement:

Keep practising under timed conditions. Stay focussed on how you can address the theme with
clarity and substance but always maintain sincerity in presenting your insights.
The last few sentences in an essay should close in a sound and logical emphasis of your
viewpoints. A strong conclusion can influence the marker's decision of your final score.

Grammatical Corrections:

Although the written communication test is not relatively strict with grammar, there’s no harm to
start observing proper usage of the commas:

– Use comma after a clause that starts with when, as, although, because, since; or, after an
introductory or transitional phrase.

* When it was time to go back to the examination hall I was waiting in line with thousands of other
students. This should be: When it was time to go back to the examination hall, I was waiting in
line with thousands of other students.

* In this instance a devious plan crept into my mind. This should be: In this instance, a devious
plan crept into my mind.

- Because a comma indicates a pause when spoken, it functions as a separator in sentences to


avoid confusion and ambiguity. However, when you write sentences with several commas, it would
be like stammering. The following sentences in the essay should not have any commas at all:

*I also learnt that(,) the exam will not be resumed until all students have taken their seats.

*It was at that moment(,) that I realised(,) how selfish my decision was.

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