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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

such as William Congreve's Love for Love (1695). In its genial and lighthearted tone,
it has some affinities with the festive comedies of Shakespeare, such as Twelfth Night
(ca. 1601), and with Oliver Goldsmith's She Stoops to Conquer (1773). A more imme-
diate predecessor was Engaged (1877), a comic play by W. S. Gilbert that anticipated
some of the burlesque effects exploited by Wilde, such as the inviolable imperturb-
ability of the speakers and the interrupting of sentimental scenes by the consumption
of food. Gilbert's advice to the actors who were putting on his Engaged is worth citing
as a clue to how The Importance of Being Earnest may be most effectively imagined
as a stage representation:
It is absolutely essential to the success of this piece that it should be played with
the most perfect earnestness and gravity throughout. . . . Directly the actors
show that they are conscious of the absurdity of their utterances the piece begins
to drag.

The Importance of Being Earnest

First Act
SCENE—Morning room in ALGERNON'S flat in Half-Moon Street.'

The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard
in the adjoining room.

[LANE is arranging afternoon tea on the tahle, and after the music has
ceased, A L G E R N O N enters.]
ALGERNON Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
LANE I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.
ALGERNON I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately—anyone
can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the
piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.
LANE Y e s , sir.
ALGERNON And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber
sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? 2

LANE Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]

A L G E R N O N [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh! . . . by
the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord
3

Shoreham and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of cham-
pagne are entered as having been consumed.
LANE Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.
ALGERNON Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably
drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.
LANE I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often
observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate
brand.
ALGERNON Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?
LANE I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience
of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in
1. A highly fashionable location (at the time of the summer home, which Wilde had visited.
play) in the West End of London. 3. Cellar book, in which records were kept of
2. Bracknell is the name of a place in Berkshire wines.
where the mother of Lord Alfred Douglas had her
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11700 / OSCAR WILDE

consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

ALGERNON [Languidly.] I don't know that I am much interested in your family
life, Lane.
LANE No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.
ALGERNON Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.
LANE Thank you, sir. [LANE goes out.]
ALGERNON Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower
orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They
seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
[Enter LANE.]
LANE Mr. Ernest Worthing.
[Ewter J A C K . ] [LANE goes out. ]
ALGERNON How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?
JACK Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating
as usual, I see, Algy!
A L G E R N O N [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to take some
slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?
J A C K [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.
ALGERNON What on earth do you do there?
J A C K [Pidling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When
one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.
ALGERNON And who are the people you amuse?
J A C K [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.
ALGERNON Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?
JACK Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.
ALGERNON How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sand-
wich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?
JACK Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why
4

cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?

Who is coming to tea?
ALGERNON Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.
JACK How perfectly delightful!
ALGERNON Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite
approve of your being here.
JACK May I ask why?
ALGERNON My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly
disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.
JACK I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to
propose to her.
ALGERNON I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.
JACK How utterly unromantic you are!
ALGERNON I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very roman-
tic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.
Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement
is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married,
I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
4. As we learn later, the estate is in Hertfordshire, about geography? No gentleman is accurate about
a long distance from Shropshire. In the four-act geography. Why, 1 got a prize for geography when
version of the play, when this discrepancy is I was at school. I can't be expected to know any-
pointed out by Algernon, Jack replies: "My dear thing about it now."
fellow! Surely you don't expect me to be accurate
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

JACK I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially
invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
ALGERNON Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made
in Heaven—[JACK -puts out his hand to take a sandwich. A L G E R N O N at once
interferes.] Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered
specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]
JACK Well, you have been eating them all the time.
ALGERNON That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from
below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen.
Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.
J A C K [Advancing to table and helping himself. ] And very good bread and butter
it is too.
ALGERNON Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat
it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married
to her already, and I don't think you ever will be.
JACK Why on earth do you say that?
ALGERNON Well, in the first place, girls never marry the men they flirt with.
Girls don't think it right.
JACK Oh, that is nonsense!
ALGERNON It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number
of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don't
give my consent.
JACK Your consent!
ALGERNON My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow
you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.
[Rings bell.]
JACK Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by
Cecily? I don't know anyone of the name of Cecily.
[Enter LANE.]
ALGERNON Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-
room the last time he dined here.
LANE Yes, sir. [LANE goes out.]
JACK Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish
to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to
Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.
5

ALGERNON Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually
hard up. 6

JACK There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.
[Enter LANE with the cigarette case on a salver. ALGERNON takes it at
once, LANE goes out.]
ALGERNON I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case
and examines if.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the
inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all.
JACK Of course it's mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with it a hun-
dred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.
It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.
ALGERNON Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one
should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture
depends on what one shouldn't read.
5. Police headquarters in London. 6. Short of money.
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11702 / OSCAR WILDE

JACK I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern
culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want
my cigarette case back.
ALGERNON Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a pres-
ent from someone of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know
anyone of that name.
JACK Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.
ALGERNON Your aunt!
JACK Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give 7

it back to me, Algy.

A L G E R N O N [retreating to back of sofa. ] But why does she call herself little
Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] "From
little Cecily with her fondest love."
J A C K [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on earth is
there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter
that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think
that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For
Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows Algy round the room.]
ALGERNON Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? "From little
Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack." There is no objection,
I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what
her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make
out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is Ernest.
JACK It isn't Ernest; it's Jack.
ALGERNON You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to
everyone as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your
name was Ernest. You are the most earnest looking person I ever saw in my
life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on
your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from case.] "Mr. Ernest Worthing,
B. 4, The Albany." I'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever
8

you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to anyone else. [Puts the

card in his pocket.]
JACK Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the
cigarette case was given to me in the country.
ALGERNON Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt
Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old
boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.
JACK My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar
to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
ALGERNON Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! Tell me
the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being
a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and 1 am quite sure of it now.
JACK Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?
ALGERNON I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as
soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and
Jack in the country.
JACK Well, produce my cigarette case first.
ALGERNON Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produce your explanation,
and pray make it improbable. [Sits on so/a.]
7. A fashionable resort town south of London. (brother of George IV) near Piccadilly that had
8. A former residence of the duke of Albany been converted into elegant apartments.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

JACK My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at

all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted
me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his granddaugh-
ter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from
motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place
in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.
ALGERNON Where is that place in the country, by the way?
JACK That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited. . . . I
may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.
ALGERNON I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over Shrop-
shire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town
and Jack in the country?
JACK My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand my
real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the
position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects.
It's one's duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to
conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in order to get
up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name
of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.
That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.
ALGERNON The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be
very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!
JACK That wouldn't be at all a bad thing.
ALGERNON Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it.
You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University. They do
it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was
quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most
advanced Bunburyists I know.
JACK What on earth do you mean?
ALGERNON You have invented a very useful young brother called Ernest, in
order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have
invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I
may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is
perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary bad health, for
instance, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's tonight, for I have
been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.
9

JACK I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere tonight.

ALGERNON I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.
It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving
invitations.
JACK You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.
ALGERNON I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To
begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to
dine with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there
I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with' either
no woman at all, or two. In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she
will place me next to, tonight. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who
always flirts with her own husband across the dinner table. That is not very
pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enor-
9. I.e., committed to attend her dinner party. St. James's Street, in the center of London.
"Willis's": a first-class restaurant in the vicinity of 1. I.e., required to escort, as a dinner partner.
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11704 / OSCAR W I L D E

mously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with
their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply
washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a
confirmed Bunburyist, I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I
want to tell you the rules.
JACK I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill
my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much
interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And
I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend
who has the absurd name.
ALGERNON Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get
married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to
know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very
tedious time of it.
JACK That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she
is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't
want to know Bunbury.
ALGERNON Then your wife will. You don't seem to realize, that in married life
three is company and two is none.
J A C K [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the cor-
rupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years. 2

ALGERNON Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.
JACK For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical.
ALGERNON My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's such
a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.]
Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that
Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so
3

that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine
with you tonight at Willis's?
JACK I suppose so, if you want to.
ALGERNON Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not
serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
[Enter LANE.]
LANE Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
[ALGERNON goes forward to meet them. Enter LADY BRACKNELL and
GWENDOLEN.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving
very well.
ALGERNON I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely
go together. [Sees J A C K and bows to him with icy coldness.]
A L G E R N O N [To GWENDOLEN.] Dear me, you are smart! 4

GWENDOLEN I am always smart! Aren't I, Mr. Worthing?

JACK You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for develop-

2. Almost all the plays by the leading French play- "almost universal" in the French theater.
wrights of the second half of the 19th century 3. Insistently loud, like some of the music in the
(Alexandre Dumasfils, Emile Augier, andVictorien large-scale operas of Richard Wagner (1813—
Sardou) focus on marital infidelity. As Brander 1883).
Matthews, an American critic, noted in 1882, "the 4. Elegantly fashionable.
trio—husband, wife, and lover" had become
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

ments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [GWENDOLEN and JACK

sit doivn together in the corner. ]
LADY B R A C K N E L L I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged
to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's
death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger.
And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches
you promised me.
ALGERNON Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
GWENDOLEN Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.
5

A L G E R N O N [Picking wp empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why

are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
LANE [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I
went down twice.
ALGERNON No cucumbers!
LANE NO, sir. Not even for ready money. 6

ALGERNON That will do, Lane, thank you.

LANE Thank you, sir.
ALGERNON I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no
cucumbers, not even for ready money.
LADY B R A C K N E L L It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets 7

with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
ALGERNON I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
LADY B R A C K N E L L It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of
course, cannot say. [ALGERNON crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. I've quite
a treat for you tonight, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary
Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's
delightful to watch them.
ALGERNON I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of
dining with you tonight after all.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table
completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is
8

accustomed to that.
ALGERNON It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment
to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend
Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with JACK.] They seem to think
I should be with him.
LADY B R A C K N E L L It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from
curiously bad health.
ALGERNON Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that
Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This
shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of
the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind
is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of
life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take
much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailments goes. I should
5. Pronounced with the accent on the second syl- 7. Round griddle breads, served toasted.
lable. 8. Because otherwise she would have more
6. Immediate payment in cash (rather than on women than men at the table.
credit).
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11706 / OSCAR WILDE

be obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not
to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.
It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage con-
versation, particularly at the end of the season when everyone has practi-
9

cally said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not
much.
ALGERNON I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and
I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music
is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen,
and if one plays bad music, people don't talk. But I'll run over the program
I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. [Rising,
and following ALGERNON.] I'm sure the program will be delightful, after a
few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem
to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar,
or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable lan-
guage, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me.
GWENDOLEN Certainly, mamma.
[LADY B R A C K N E L L and ALGERNON go into the music room, GWENDOLEN
remains behind.]
JACK Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. When-
ever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that
they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous.
JACK I do mean something else.
GWENDOLEN I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.
JACK And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell's
temporary absence . . .
GWENDOLEN I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of
coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her
about.
J A C K [Nei~vously. ] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more
than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you.
GWENDOLEN Yes, I am quite aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public,
at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had
an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent
to you. [JACK looks at her in amazement.] We live, as I hope you know, Mr.
Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more
expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am
told: and my ideal has always been to love someone of the name of Ernest.
There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The
moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest,
I knew I was destined to love you.
JACK You really love me, Gwendolen?
GWENDOLEN Passionately!
JACK Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me.
GWENDOLEN My own Ernest!
JACK But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name
wasn't Ernest?
9. The social season, extending from May through July, when people of fashion came into London from
their country estates for entertainments and parties.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 1707

GWENDOLEN But your name is Ernest.

JACK Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to
say you couldn't love me then?
GWENDOLEN [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like
most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual
facts of real life, as we know them.
JACK Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about
the name of Ernest . . . I don't think the name suits me at all.
GWENDOLEN It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its
own. It produces vibrations.
JACK Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other
much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.
GWENDOLEN Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any
at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations. . . . I
have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than
usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity
any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never
be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude.
The only really safe name is Ernest.
JACK Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married
at once. There is no time to be lost.
GWENDOLEN Married, Mr. Worthing?
JACK [Astounded. ] Well . . . surely. You know that I love you, and you led me
to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.
GWENDOLEN I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has
been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on.
JACK Well . . . may I propose to you now?
GWENDOLEN I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you
any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you
quite frankly beforehand that I am fully determined to accept you.
JACK Gwendolen!
GWENDOLEN Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?
JACK YOU know what I have got to say to you.
GWENDOLEN Yes, but you don't say it.
JACK Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.]
GWENDOLEN Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I
am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.
JACK My own one, I have never loved anyone in the world but you.
GWENDOLEN Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother
Gerald does. All my girlfriends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you
have, Ernest! They are quite, quite blue. I hope you will always look at me
just like that, especially when there are other people present.
[Enter LADY B R A C K N E L L . ]
LADY RRACKNELL Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.
It is most indecorous.
GWENDOLEN Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg you to
retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished
yet.
LADY BRACKNELL Finished what, may I ask?
GWENDOLEN I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
[They rise together.]
LADY BRACKNELL Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do
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11708 / OSCAR WILDE

become engaged to someone, I, or your father, should his health permit

him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young
girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a
matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself. . . . And now I have
a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these
inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.
G W E N D O L E N [Reproachfully.] Mamma!
LADY B R A C K N E L L In the carriage, Gwendolen! [GWENDOLEN goes to the door.
She and JACK blow kisses to each other behind LADY B R A C K N E L L ' S back, LADY
BRACKNELL looks vaguely about as if she coidd not understand what the noise
was. Finally turns round.] Gwendolen, the carriage!
GWENDOLEN Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at J A C K . ]
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.
[Looks in her pocket for notebook and pencil.]
JACK Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Pencil and notebook in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that
you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same
list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However,
I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really
affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?
JACK Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.
LADY B R A C K N E L L I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occu-
pation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.
How old are you?
JACK Twenty-nine.
LADY B R A C K N E L L A very good age to be married at. I have always been of
opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything
or nothing. Which do you know?
J A C K [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
LADY B R A C K N E L L I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that
tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit;
touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is
radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces
no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper
classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What 1

is your income?
JACK Between seven and eight thousand a year.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in investments?
JACK In investments, chiefly.
LADY B R A C K N E L L That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of
one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, 2

land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and
prevents one from keeping it up. That's all that can be said about land.
JACK I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about
fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my real
income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people
who make anything out of it.
LADY B R A C K N E L L A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point
1. A fashionable residential area in the West End 2. The wordplay is on "death duties"—i.e., inher-
of London. itance taxes.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a
simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to
reside in the country.
JACK Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady
3

Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months' notice.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Lady Bloxham? I don't know her.
JACK Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in
years.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of char-
acter. What number in Belgrave Square?
JACK 149.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Shaking her head..] The unfashionable side. I thought there
was something. However, that could easily be altered.
JACK Do you mean the fashion, or the side?
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your pol-
itics?
JACK Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. 4

LADY B R A C K N E L L Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in
the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living?
JACK I have lost both my parents.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Both? To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune—
to lose both seems like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently
a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the
purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of aristocracy?
JACK 1 am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had
lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem
to have lost me. . . . I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was . . . well,
I was found.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Found!
JACK The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable
and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing,
because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket
at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class
ticket for this seaside resort find you?
J A C K [Gravely.] In a handbag.
LADY B R A C K N E L L A handbag?
J A C K [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag—A somewhat
large, black leather handbag, with handles to it—an ordinary handbag, in
fact.
LADY B R A C K N E L L In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew
come across this ordinary handbag?
JACK In the cloak room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for
his own. 5

LADY B R A C K N E L L The cloak room at Victoria Station?

3. Another fashionable residential area in the 5. In the four-act version of the play, Jack explains
West End. further what happened to Mr. Cardew: "He did not
4. A splinter group of members of the Liberal discover the error till he arrived at his own house.
Party who in 1886, led by Joseph Chamberlain, All subsequent efforts to ascertain who I was were
joined forces with the Conservative Party (the unavailing."
"Tories") in opposing home rule for Ireland.
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11710 / OSCAR WILDE

JACK Yes. The Brighton line.

LADY B R A C K N E L L The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel some-
what bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate,
bred in a handbag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a
contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the
worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what
that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which
the handbag was found, a cloak room at a railway station might serve to
conceal a social indiscretion—has probably, indeed, been used for that pur-
pose before now—but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a
recognized position in good society.
JACK May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say
I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness.
LADY B R A C K N E L L I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and
acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to
produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite
over. 6

JACK Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce
the handbag at any moment, it is in my dressing room at home. I really think
that should satisfy you, Lady Rracknell.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine
that I and Lord Rracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter—a
girl brought up with the utmost care—to marry into a cloak room, and form
an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing!
[LADY B R A C K N E L L sweeps out in majestic indignation.]
JACK Good morning! [ALGERNON, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding
March, JACK looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.] For goodness' sake
don't play that ghastly tune, Algy! How idiotic you are!
[The music stops, and ALGERNON enters cheerily.]
ALGERNON Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't mean to say Gwen-
dolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people.
I think it is most ill-natured of her.
JACK Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we
7

are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met such a Gorgon s

. . . I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady
Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which
is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn't talk about
your own aunt in that way before you.
ALGERNON My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only
thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious
pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor
the smallest instinct about when to die.
JACK Oh, that is nonsense!

6. In the four-act version of the play, Jack later are certainly not popular just at present. . . . They
comments to Algernon about Lady Bracknell's are like these chaps, the minor poets. They are
demands about locating parents: "After all what never quoted."
does it matter whether a man has ever had a father 7. Proverbial expression meaning reliably steady,
and mother or not? Mothers, of course, are all like a tripod ("trivet") used to support pots over a
right. They pay a chap's bills and don't bother him. (ire.
But fathers bother a chap and never pay his bills. 8. In classical mythology a snake-haired female
I don't know a single chap at the club who speaks monster; at the sight of her, other creatures turned
to his father." And Algernon remarks: "Yes. Fathers to stone.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

ALGERNON It isn't!
JACK Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about
things.
ALGERNON That is exactly what things were originally made for.
JACK Upon my word, if 1 thought that, I'd shoot myself. . . [A pause.] You
don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in
about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?
ALGERNON All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No
man does. That's his.
JACK IS that clever?
ALGERNON It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in
civilized life should be.
JACK I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You
can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an
absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.
ALGERNON We have.
JACK I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?
ALGERNON The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course.
JACK What fools!
ALGERNON By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being
Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?
J A C K [In a very patronizing manner.] My dear fellow, the truth isn't quite the
sort of thing one tells to a nice sweet refined girl. What extraordinary ideas
you have about the way to behave to a woman!
ALGERNON The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she 9

is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

JACK Oh, that is nonsense.
ALGERNON What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest?
JACK Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I'll say he
died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly,
don't they?
ALGERNON Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort of thing that
runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill.
JACK You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of that kind?
ALGERNON Of course it isn't!
JACK Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly in Paris,
by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. 1

ALGERNON But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much
interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she feel his loss a good deal?
JACK Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say.
She has got a capital appetite, goes on long walks, and pays no attention at
all to her lessons.
ALGERNON I would rather like to see Cecily.
JACK I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and
she is only just eighteen.
ALGERNON Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty
ward who is only just eighteen?
9. Woo, court. mourning. I think that all black, with a good pearl
1. In the four-act version of the play, Jack explains pin, rather smart. Then I'll go down home and
further: "I'll wear mourning for him, of course; that break the news to my household."
would be only decent. I don't at all mind wearing
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11712 / OSCAR W I L D E

JACK Oh! one doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen
are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I'll bet you anything you
like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other
sister.
ALGERNON Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of
other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis's,
we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly seven?
J A C K [Irritably.] Oh! it always is nearly seven.
ALGERNON Well, I'm hungry.
JACK 1 never knew you when you weren't. . . .
ALGERNON What shall we do after dinner? Go to the theatre?
JACK Oh no! I loathe listening.
ALGERNON Well, let us go to the club?
JACK Oh, no! I hate talking.
ALGERNON Well, we might trot around to the Empire at ten? 2

JACK Oh no! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly.

ALGERNON Well, what shall we do?
JACK Nothing!
ALGERNON It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard
work where there is no definite object of any kind.
[Enter LANE.]
LANE Miss Fairfax.
[Enter G W E N D O L E N , LANE goes out.]
ALGERNON Gwendolen, upon my word!
GWENDOLEN Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular to
say to Mr. Worthing.
ALGERNON Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all.
GWENDOLEN Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.
You are not quite old enough to do that. [ALGERNON retires to the fireplace.]
JACK My own darling!
GWENDOLEN Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on
mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard
to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young
is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the
age of three. But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife,
and I may marry someone else, and marry often, nothing that she can pos-
sibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.
JACK Dear Gwendolen!
GWENDOLEN The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma,
with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my
nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The simplicity
of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town
address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country?
JACK The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.
[ A L G E R N O N , who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and
writes the address on his shirt-cuff.3 Then picks up the Railway Guide.]
GWENDOLEN There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be necessary
to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration.
I will communicate with you daily.
2. A music hall in Leicester Square that featured 3. Because shirt cuffs were heavily starched they
light entertainment. provided a good surface on which to make notes.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, ACT 2 / 1713

JACK My o w n one!

GWENDOLEN How long do you remain in town?

JACK Till Monday.
GWENDOLEN Good! Algy, you may turn round now.
ALGERNON Thanks, I've turned round already.
GWENDOLEN YOU may also ring the bell.
JACK You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?
GWENDOLEN Certainly.
JACK [To LANE, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out.
LANE Y e s , s i r . [JACK and G W E N D O L E N g o o f f . ]
[LANE presents several letters on a salver to ALGERNON. It is to he sur-
mised that they are hills, as ALGERNON after looking at the envelopes,
tears them up.]
ALGERNON A glass of sherry, Lane.
LANE Y e s , sir.
ALGERNON Tomorrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying.
LANE Yes, sir.
ALGERNON I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress
clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . .
4

LANE Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.]

ALGERNON I hope tomorrow will be a fine day, Lane.
LANE It never is, sir.
ALGERNON Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.
LANE I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.
[Enter JACK, LANE goes off.]
JACK There's a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my
life. [ALGERNON is laughing immoderately.] What on earth are you so amused
at?
ALGERNON Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.
JACK If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious
scrape some day.
ALGERNON I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never serious.
JACK Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense.
ALGERNON Nobody ever does.
[JACK looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. ALGERNON lights a
cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]
ACT-DROP 5

Second Act
SCENE—Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads
up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time
of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with hooks, are set under
a large yew tree.

[MISS PRISM6 discovered seated at the table, CECILY is at the back water-
ing flowers.]

4. Coat worn when gentlemen assembled in a scenes.

room designated for smoking. The object was to 6. The name recalls Charles Dickens's Little Dor-
avoid contaminating their regular clothing with the rit (1855—57), in which Mrs. General, a prim and
smell of cigars or pipes, which was considered proper teacher of manners for young ladies, trains
offensive to ladies. "Put up": pack up. them to repeat "prunes and prism" aloud because
5. A special curtain lowered during theatrical per- this exercise "gives a pretty form to the lips."
formances to denote intervals between acts or
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11714 / OSCAR WILDE

MISS PRISM [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian occupation as

the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than yours? Especially at a
moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your German grammar is
on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday's lesson.
C E C I L Y [Coming over very slowly.] But I don't like German. It isn't at all a
becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my
German lesson.
MISS PRISM Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should
improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, as
he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your
German when he is leaving for town.
CECILY Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometime he is so serious that I
think he cannot be quite well.
M I S S P R I S M [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys the best of health,
and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so com-
paratively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and
responsibility.
CECILY I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are
together.
MISS PRISM Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles
in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his con-
versation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate
young man his brother.
CECILY I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his
brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence
over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German,
and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much, [CECILY
begins to write in her diary.]
MISS PRISM [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even I could produce any
effect on a character that according to his own brother's admission is irre-
trievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to
reclaim him. I am not in favor of this modern mania for turning bad people
into good people at a moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You 7

must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a
diary at all.
CECILY I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I
didn't write them down I should probably forget all ahout them.
Miss P R I S M Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with
us.
CECILY Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened,
and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is responsible
for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us. 8

MISS PRISM Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I

wrote one myself in earlier days.
CECILY Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope
it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end happily. They depress me
so much.

7. Cf. Calatians 6.7. tales) to subscribers for a moderate fee. Mudie's

8. Mudie's Circulating Library, which lent copies power in controlling the book market, especially
of new three-volume novels (usually sentimental for novels, was on the wane by 1895.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

MISS PRISM The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what
Fiction means.
CECILY I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever
published?
M I S S PRISM Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. I use
the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these specu-
lations are profitless.
C E C I L Y [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the
9

garden.
M I S S P R I S M [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure.
[Enter CANON C H A S U B L E . ]
CHASUBLE And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?
CECILY Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think
it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park,
Dr. Chasuble.
MISS PRISM Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.
CECILY No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had
a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German
lesson, when the Rector came in.
CHASUBLE I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.
CECILY Oh, I am afraid I am.
CHASUBLE That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's pupil,
I would hang upon her lips, [MISS P R I S M glares.] I spoke metaphorically.—
My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has
not returned from town yet?
MISS PRISM We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.
CHASUBLE Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not
one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfor-
tunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria 1

and her pupil any longer.

MISS PRISM Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor.
C H A S U B L E [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan
authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? 2

MISS PRISM I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a
headache after all, and a walk might do it good.
CHASUBLE With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as
the schools and back.
MISS PRISM That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political
Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may
3 4

omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have

their melodramatic side. [Goes down the garden with D R . C H A S U B L E . ]
C E C I L Y [Piclis up hooks and throws them hack on table. ] Horrid Political Econ-
omy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German!
[Enter MERRIMAN with a card on a salver.]
MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He
has brought his luggage with him.
9. A chasuble is an ornate garment worn by a 2. Evening church services.
priest. 3. I.e., book about economics.
1. In Roman legend a nymph who gave counsel to 4. The basic unit of currency in India. British civil
the second king of Rome. Her name was therefore servants who worked in India were paid in rupees
also used as an epithet for a woman who provides and would suffer from its fall in value.
guidance.
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11716 / OSCAR WILDE

CECILY [Takes the card and reads it.] "Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany,
W." Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?
MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that
you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to
you privately for a moment.
CECILY. Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better
talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.
MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [MERRIMAN goes off.]
CECILY I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather fright-
ened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone else. [Enter A L G E R N O N ,
very gay and debonair.] He does!
A L G E R N O N [Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure.
CECILY You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe
I am more than usually tall for my age. [ALGERNON is rather taken aback.]
But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack's
brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.
ALGERNON Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn't think
that I am wicked.
CECILY If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very
inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pre-
tending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be
hypocrisy.
A L G E R N O N [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I have been rather
reckless.
CECILY I am glad to hear it.
ALGERNON In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my
own small way.
CECILY I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must
have been very pleasant.
ALGERNON It is much pleasanter being here with you.
CECILY I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be back
till Monday afternoon.
ALGERNON That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first
train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious
. . . to miss.
CECILY Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London?
ALGERNON No: the appointment is in London.
CECILY Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business
engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still
I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak
to you about your emigrating.
ALGERNON About my what?
CECILY Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.
ALGERNON I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in
neckties at all.
CECILY I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to
Australia. 5

5. The British had originally viewed Australia as a ters as a place, like Canada, to which families
place to which they banished their criminals. By might send harmless but useless members, who
this time, however, it was perceived in some quar- would be paid an allowance to remain abroad.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 2 / 1717

ALGERNON Australia? I'd sooner die.

CECILY Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to
choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.
ALGERNON Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next
world are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me,
cousin Cecily.
CECILY Yes, but are you good enough for it?
ALGERNON I'm afraid I'm not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You
might make that your mission, if you don't mind, cousin Cecily.
CECILY I'm afraid I've no time, this afternoon.
ALGERNON Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?
CECILY It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try.
ALGERNON I will. I feel better already.
CECILY You are looking a little worse.
ALGERNON That is because I am hungry.
CECILY How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is
going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome
meals. Won't you come in?
ALGERNON Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any
6

appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.

CECILY A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.]
7

ALGERNON No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.

CECILY Why? [Cuts a flower.]
ALGERNON Because you are like a pink rose, cousin Cecily.
CECILY I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism
never says such things to me.
ALGERNON Then Miss Prism is a shortsighted old lady, [CECILY puts the rose
in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
CECILY Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.
ALGERNON They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught
in.
CECILY Oh! I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't
know what to talk to him about.
[The)' pass into the house, MISS PRISM and DR. C H A S U B L E return.]
MISS PRISM YOU are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get mar-
ried. A misanthrope I can understand—a womanthrope, never!
CHASUBLE [With a scholar's shudder.]8 Believe me, I do not deserve so neol-
ogistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church 9

was distinctly against matrimony.

M I S S P R I S M [Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive
Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realize,
dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself
into a permanent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very
celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.

6. I.e., a flower to wear in the buttonhole of his rect word for woman hater, misogynist, she has
coat lapel. coined her own term, one that is etymologically
7. A chrome-yellow variety of rose named after nonsensical.
Adolphe Niel (1802-1869), one of the generals of 9. The early Christian Church, of the 1st to 4th
Napoleon III. centuries.
8. He shudders because instead of using the cor-
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11718 / OSCAR WILDE

CHASUBLE But is a man not equally attractive when married?

MISS PRISM N O married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
CHASUBLE And often, I've been told, not even to her.
MISS PRISM That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman.
Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young
women are green, [DR. C H A S U B L E starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My meta-
phor was drawn from fruits. Rut where is Cecily?
CHASUBLE Perhaps she followed us to the schools.
[Enter J A C K slowly from the hack of the garden. He is dressed in the
dee-pest mourning, with crape hat-band and black gloves.]
MISS PRISM Mr. Worthing!
CHASUBLE Mr. Worthing?
MISS PRISM This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday
afternoon.
J A C K [Shakes M I S S P R I S M ' S hand in a tragic manner.] I have returned sooner
than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well?
CHASUBLE Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some
terrible calamity?
JACK My brother.
MISS PRISM More shameful debts and extravagance?
CHASUBLE Still leading his life of pleasure?
J A C K [Shaking his head.] Dead!
CHASUBLE Your brother Ernest dead?
JACK Quite dead.
MISS PRISM What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it.
CHASUBLE Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at
least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous
and forgiving of brothers.
JACK Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow.
CHASUBLE Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end?
JACK NO. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from
the manager of the Grand Hotel.
CHASUBLE Was the cause of death mentioned?
JACK A severe chill, it seems.
MISS PBISM A S a man sows, so shall he reap.
C H A S U B L E [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us
are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to drafts. Will the interment
take place here?
JACK No. He seemed to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris.
CHASUBLE In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly points to any very
serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish me to make some
slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday, [JACK presses
his hand convulsively.] My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the
wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the pres-
ent case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have preached it at harvest celebrations,
christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days. The last
time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf
of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders.
The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I
drew.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

JACK Ah! That reminds me, you mentioned christenings, I think, Dr. Chas-
uble? I suppose you know how to christen all right? [DR. C H A S U B L E looks
astounded.] I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren't you?
MISS PRISM It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector's most constant duties in
this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject. But
they don't seem to know what thrift is.
CHASUBLE But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr.
Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not?
JACK Oh yes.
MISS PRISM [Bitterly.] People who live entirely for pleasure usually are.
JACK But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of children. No!
the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have
nothing better to do.
CHASUBLE But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already?
JACK I don't remember anything about it.
CHASUBLE But have you any grave doubts on the subject?
JACK I certainly intend to have. Of course I don't know if the thing would
bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now.
CHASUBLE Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is
a perfectly canonical practice.
JACK Immersion!
CHASUBLE You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is neces-
sary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At what
hour would you wish the ceremony performed?
JACK Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you.
CHASUBLE Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies to per-
form at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the
outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-
working man.
JACK Oh! I don't see much fun in being christened along with other babies.
It would be childish. Would half-past five do?
CHASUBLE Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] And now, dear Mr.
Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would
merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us
bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
MISS PRISM This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.
[Enter CECILY from the house.]
CECILY Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes
you have got on! Do go and change them.
MISS PRISM Cecily!
CHASUBLE My child! my child! [CECILY goes towards J A C K ; he kisses her brow
in a melancholy manner.]
CECILY What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you
had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is
in the dining room? Your brother!
JACK Who?
CECILY Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.
JACK What nonsense! I haven't got a brother!
CECILY Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the
past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him.
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11720 / OSCAR WILDE

I'll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won't you,
Uncle Jack? [Runs back into the house.]
CHASUBLE These are very joyful tidings.
MISS PRISM After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return
seems to me peculiarly distressing.
JACK My brother is in the dining room? I don't know what it all means. I
think it is perfectly absurd.
[Enter ALGERNON and CECILY hand in hand. They come slowly up to
JACK.]
JACK Good heavens! [Motions A L G E R N O N away.]
ALGERNON Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am
very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a
better life in the future, [JACKglares at him and does not take his hand.]
CECILY Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand?
JACK Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here
disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.
CECILY Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in everyone. Ernest has
just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he
goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is
kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of
pain.
JACK Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?
CECILY Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state
of health.
JACK Bunbury! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or about
anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic.
ALGERNON Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must
say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I
expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first
time I have come here.
CECILY Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest, I will never forgive
you.
JACK Never forgive me?
CECILY Never, never, never!
JACK Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes hands with ALGERNON
and glares. ]
CHASUBLE It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think
we might leave the two brothers together.
MISS PRISM Cecily, you will come with us.
CECILY Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over.
CHASUBLE You have done a beautiful action today, dear child.
MISS PRISM We must not be premature in our judgments.
CECILY I feel very happy. [They all go off.]
JACK You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as
possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here.
[Enter MERRIMAN.]
MERRIMAN I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. I
suppose that is all right?
JACK What?
MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the
room next to your own.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G E A R N E S T , A C T 1 / 17 11

JACK His luggage?

MERRIMAN Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing case, two hat-boxes, and
a large luncheon basket. 1

ALGERNON I am afraid I can't stay more than a week this time.

JACK iMerriman, order the dogcart at once. Mr. Ernest has been suddenly
2

called back to town.

MERRIMAN Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.]
ALGERNON What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called back to
town at all.
JACK Yes, you have.
ALGERNON I haven't heard anyone call me.
JACK Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.
ALGERNON My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures
in the smallest degree.
JACK I can quite understand that.
ALGERNON Well, Cecily is a darling.
JACK Y O U are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don't like it.
ALGERNON Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in
them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to
be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week
with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque.
JACK You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or
anything else. You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train.
ALGERNON I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in mourning. It
would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I
suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn't.
JACK Well, will you go if I change my clothes?
ALGERNON Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to
dress, and with such little result.
JACK Well, at any rate, that is better than being always overdressed as you
are.
ALGERNON If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by being
always immensely overeducated.
JACK Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence
in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five,
and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying,
as you call it, has not been a great success for you. [Goes into the house.]
ALGERNON I think it has been a great success. I'm in love with Cecily, and
that is everything.
[Enter C E C I L Y at the back of the garden. She picks up the can and begins
to water the flowers.]
But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury.
Ah, there she is.

1. According to Cassell's Domestic Dictionary "scent bottles, jars for pomade and tooth-powders,
(1877—79), "a convenient little receptacle in which hair brushes and combs, shaving, nail and tooth
gentlemen who are going out shooting for the day, brushes, razors and strop, nail scissors, button-
or artists who wish to sketch, can carry their lunch- hook, tweezer, nail file and penknife" [noted by
eon with them." "Portmanteaus": large leather Russell Jackson].
suitcases. A "dressing case" (also according to Cas- 2. A horse-drawn cart with seats, originally
sell's) was "ordinarily made of rosewood, mahogany designed to carry hunters and their hunting dogs.
or coromandel wood." It was supposed to include
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11722 / OSCAR WILDE

CECILY Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you were with
Uncle Jack.
ALGERNON He's gone to order the dogcart for me.
CECILY Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?
ALGERNON He's going to send me away.
CECILY Then have we got to part?
ALGERNON I am afraid so. It's very painful parting.
CECILY It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a
very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with
equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one
has just been introduced is almost unbearable.
ALGERNON Thank you.
[Enter M E R R I M A N . ]
MERRIMAN The dogcart is at the door, sir. [ALGERNON looks appealingly at
CECILY.]
CECILY It can wait, Merriman . . . for . . . five minutes.
MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [Exit M E R R I M A N . ]
ALGERNON I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and
openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of
absolute perfection.
CECILY I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow
me I will copy your remarks into my diary. [Goes over to table and begins
writing in diary.]
ALGERNON Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. May I?
CECILY Oh no. [Pitts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply a very young girl's
record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for
publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy.
But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have
reached "absolute perfection." You can go on. I am quite ready for more.
A L G E R N O N [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! Ahem!
CECILY Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak
fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a cough. [Writes
as ALGERNON speaks.]
ALGERNON Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your
[Speaking very rapidly.]
wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, pas-
sionately, devotedly, hopelessly.
CECILY I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, pas-
sionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much
sense, does it?
ALGERNON Cecily!
[Enter MERRIMAN.]
MERRIMAN The dogcart is waiting, sir.
ALGERNON Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour.
MERRIMAN [Looks at C E C I L Y , who makes no sign.] Yes, sir.
[MERRIMAN retires.]
CECILY Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying
on till next week, at the same hour.
ALGERNON Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole
world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won't you?
CECILY You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the last
three months.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

ALGERNON For the last three months?

CECILY Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.
ALGERNON But how did we become engaged?
CECILY Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a
younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed
the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of
course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels
there must be something in him after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but
I fell in love with you, Ernest.
ALGERNON Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled?
CECILY On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of
my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after
a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here.
The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little
bangle with the true lovers' knot I promised you always to wear.
ALGERNON Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it?
CECILY Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always
given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep
all your dear letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up
with blue ribbon.]
ALGERNON My letters! But my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you
any letters.
CECILY You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well
that I was forced to write your letters for you. I always wrote three times a
week, and sometimes oftener.
ALGERNON Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?
CECILY Oh, I couldn't possibly. They would make you far too conceited.
[Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engage-
ment are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read
them without crying a little.
ALGERNON But was our engagement ever broken off?
CECILY Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the entry
if you like. [S/irnvs diary.] "Today I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I
feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues charming."
ALGERNON But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done? I had
done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke
it off. Particularly when the weather was so charming.
CECILY It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn't
been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the week was out.
A L G E R N O N [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angel you are,
Cecily.
CECILY You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her fingers through his
hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?
ALGERNON Yes, darling, with a little help from others.
CECILY I am so glad.
ALGERNON You'll never break off our engagement again, Cecily?
CECILY I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually met you.
Besides, of course, there is the question of your name.
ALGERNON Yes, of course. [Nervously.]
CECILY You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish
dream of mine to love someone whose name was Ernest. [ALGERNON rises,
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11724 / OSCAR WILDE

CECILY also.] There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute
confidence. 1 pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called
Ernest.
ALGERNON But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if
I had some other name?
CECILY But what name?
ALGERNON Oh, any name you like—Algernon-—for instance . . .
CECILY But I don't like the name of Algernon.
ALGERNON Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can't see
why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all a bad name.
In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps who get into the
Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to
her.] . . . if my name was Algy, couldn't you love me?
C E C I L Y [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character,
but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention.
ALGERNON Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I suppose,
thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of
the Church?
CECILY Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never written
a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.
ALGERNON I must see him at once on a most important christening—I mean
on most important business.
CECILY O h !
ALGERNON I shan't be away more than half an hour.
CECILY Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and
that I only met you today for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you
should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn't you make it
twenty minutes?
ALGERNON I'll be back in no time. [Kisses her and rushes down the garden. ]
CECILY What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter
his proposal in my diary.
[Enter MERRIMAN.]
MERRIMAN A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very impor-
tant business, Miss Fairfax states.
CECILY Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library?
MERRIMAN Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time
ago.
CECILY Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back
soon. And you can bring tea.
MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [Goes out.]
CECILY Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are
associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I
don't quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it
is so forward of them.
[Enter MERRIMAN.]
MERRIMAN Miss Fairfax.
[Enter G W E N D O L E N . ] [Exit MERRIMAN.]
CECILY [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce myself to you. My
name is Cecily Cardew.
GWENDOLEN Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking hands.] What a very
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like
you already more than I can say. My first impressions of people are never
wrong.
CECILY How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other
such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down.
G W E N D O L E N [Still standing up. | I may call you Cecily, may I not?
CECILY With pleasure!
GWENDOLEN And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you?
CECILY If you wish.
GWENDOLEN Then that is all quite settled, is it not?
CECILY I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.]
GWENDOLEN Perhaps this might be a favorable opportunity for my mention-
ing who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard of papa,
I suppose?
CECILY I don't think so.
GWENDOLEN Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely
unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be
the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man begins to neglect
his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not? And I
don't like that. It makes men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views
on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-
sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through
my glasses?
CECILY Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at.
G W E N D O L E N [After examining C E C I L Y carefully through a lorgnette.] You are
here on a short visit, I suppose.
CECILY Oh no! I live here.
G W E N D O L E N [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female rel-
ative of advanced years, resides here also?
CECILY Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.
GWENDOLEN Indeed?
CECILY My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous
task of looking after me.
GWENDOLEN Your guardian?
CECILY Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward.
GWENDOLEN Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward.
How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure,
however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising
and going to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since
I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr.
Worthing's ward, 1 cannot help expressing a wish you were—well just a little
older than you seem to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance.
In fact, if I may speak candidly
CECILY Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say,
one should always be quite candid.
GWENDOLEN Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were
fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong
upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would
be as impossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible
moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical
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11726 / OSCAR WILDE

charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with

many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed,
History would be quite unreadable.
CECILY I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?
GWENDOLEN Yes.
CECILY Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his
brother—his elder brother.
G W E N D O L E N [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that he had
a brother.
CECILY I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time.
GWENDOLEN Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never
heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful to most
men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost
anxious. It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friend-
ship like ours, would it not? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is
not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?
CECILY Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his.
G W E N D O L E N [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon?
C E C I L Y [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason
why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county newspaper is sure
to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to
be married.
G W E N D O L E N [Quite politely, rising.] My darling Cecily, I think there must be
some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announce-
ment will appear in the Morning Post3 on Saturday at the latest.
C E C I L Y [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under some miscon-
ception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. [Shows diary.]
G W E N D O L E N [Examines diary through her lorgnette carefully.] It is certainly
very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5:30. If
you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. [Produces diary of her
own.] I never travel without my diary. One should always have something
sensational to read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any dis-
appointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.
CECILY It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it
caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out
that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.
G W E N D O L E N [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any
foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with
a firm hand.
C E C I L Y [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate entanglement my
dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are
married.
GWENDOLEN Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You
are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a
moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
CECILY Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engage-
ment? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of man-
ners. When I see a spade I call it a spade.
G W E N D O L E N [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It
3. A popular journal featuring society gossip and also announcements of engagements and marriages.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.

[Enter M E R R I M A N , followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table-
cloth, and plate stand, C E C I L Y is about to retort. The presence of the
servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.]
MERRIMAN Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?
CECILY [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual.
[ M E R R I M A N begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause, CECILY and
G W E N D O L E N glare at each other.]
GWENDOLEN Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?
CECILY Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close
one can see five counties.
GWENDOLEN Five counties! I don't think I should like that. I hate crowds.
C E C I L Y [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you five in town?
[ G W E N D O L E N bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her
parasol.]
G W E N D O L E N [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.
CECILY So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.
CECILY Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in
London.
GWENDOLEN Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist
in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores
me to death.
CECILY Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not?
I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It 4

is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some
tea, Miss Fairfax?
G W E N D O L E N [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] Detestable girl!
But I require tea!
C E C I L Y [Sweetly.] Sugar?
G W E N D O L E N [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any
more, [CECILY looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of
sugar into the cup. ]
CECILY [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?
G W E N D O L E N [In a bored manner. J Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely
seen at the best houses nowadays.
C E C I L Y [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] Hand that to
Miss Fairfax.
[ M E R R I M A N does so, and goes out with footman. G W E N D O L E N drinks
the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her
hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in
indignation. ]
GWENDOLEN You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked
most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known
for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my
nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
C E C I L Y [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machi-
nations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go.
4. From the 1870s on, landowners (including aristocrats) had been suffering severe losses because of
adverse economic conditions.
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11728 / OSCAR WILDE

GWENDOLEN From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you
were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first
impressions of people are invariably right.
CECILY It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable
time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in
the neighborhood.
[Enter J A C K . ]
GWENDOLEN [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest!
JACK Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.]
G W E N D O L E N [Drawing hack.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be
married to this young lady? [Points to C E C I L Y . ]
J A C K [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put
such an idea into your pretty little head?
GWENDOLEN Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.]
C E C I L Y [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss
Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my dear
guardian, Mr. John Worthing.
GWENDOLEN I beg your pardon?
CECILY This is Uncle Jack.
G W E N D O L E N [Receding.] Jack! Oh!
[Enter ALGERNON.]
CECILY Here is Ernest.
ALGERNON [Goes straight over to C E C I L Y without noticing anyone else.] Myown
love! [Offers to kiss her.]
CECILY [Drawing hack.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you—are you engaged
to be married to this young lady?
A L G E R N O N [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen!
CECILY Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.
A L G E R N O N [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an idea into
your pretty little head?
CECILY Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to he kissed.] You may. [ALGERNON
kisses her.]
GWENDOLEN I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman
who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.
CECILY. [Breaking away from ALGERNON.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The two
girls move toivards each other and put their arms round each other's waists as
if for protection.]
CECILY Are you called Algernon?
ALGERNON I cannot deny it.
CECILY O h !
GWENDOLEN Is your name really John?
JACK [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked, I could deny anything
if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.
C E C I L Y [To GWENDOLEN.] A gross deception has been practiced on both of
us.
GWENDOLEN My poor wounded Cecily!
CECILY My sweet wronged Gwendolen!
G W E N D O L E N [Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister, will you not? [They
embrace, J A C K and A L G E R N O N groan and walk up and down.]
CECILY [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like
to be allowed
to ask my guardian.
GWENDOLEN An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We

are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of
some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.
J A C K [Slowly and hesitatingly. ] Gwendolen—Cecily—it is very painful for me
to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever
been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced
in doing anything of the kind. However I will tell you quite frankly that I
have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in
my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one
in the future.
C E C I L Y [Surprised.} No brother at all?
J A C K [Cheerily.] None!
G W E N D O L E N [Sex'erely.] Had you never a brother of any kind?
J A C K [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of any kind.
GWENDOLEN I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged
to be married to anyone.
CECILY It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find
herself in. Is it?
GWENDOLEN Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after
us there.
CECILY No, men are so cowardly, aren't they?
[They retire into the house with scornfid looks.]
JACK This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?
ALGERNON Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful
Bunbury I have ever had in my life.
JACK Well, you've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.
ALGERNON That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses.
Every serious Bunburyist knows that.
JACK Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!
ALGERNON Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have
any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on
earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About every-
thing, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.
JACK Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched
business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't be able
to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And
a very good thing too.
ALGERNON Your brother is a little off-colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You won't
be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom
was. And not a bad thing either.
JACK A S for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking
in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing
of the fact that she is my ward.
ALGERNON I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant,
clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing
of the fact that she is my cousin.
JACK I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.
ALGERNON Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.
JACK There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.
ALGERNON I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fair-
fax being united.
JACK Well, that is no business of yours.
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11730 / OSCAR WILDE

ALGERNON If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. [Begins to eat muf-
fins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stock-
brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
JACK How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this hor-
rible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
ALGERNON Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would
probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is
the only way to eat them.
JACK I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the
circumstances.
ALGERNON When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.
Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me inti-
mately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present
moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am partic-
ularly fond of muffins. [Rising.]
J A C K [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that
greedy way. [Takes muffins from A L G E R N O N . ]
A L G E R N O N [Offering tea cake.] I wish you would have tea cake instead. I don't
like tea cake.
JACK Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own
garden.
ALGERNON But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
JACK I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That
is a very different thing.
ALGERNON That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin
dish from JACK.]
JACK Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.
ALGERNON You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's
absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians
and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chas-
uble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.
JACK My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made
arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5:
30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it.
We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I have a perfect
right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I ever have
been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never
was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have
been christened already.
ALGERNON Yes, but I have not been christened for years.
JACK Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.
ALGERNON Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not
quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it
rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell.
You can hardly have forgotten that someone very closely connected with
you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.
JACK Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.
ALGERNON It usen't to be, I know—but I daresay it is now. Science is always
making wonderful improvements in things.
J A C K [Picking up the muffin dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talk-
ing nonsense.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

ALGERNON Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. There are
only two left. [Takes them..] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.
JACK But I hate tea cake.
ALGERNON Why on earth then do you allow tea cake to be served up for your
guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!
JACK Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. Why
don't you go!
ALGERNON I haven't quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin
left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. A L G E R N O N still continues eating.]
ACT-DROP

Third Act
SCENE—Morning room5 at the Manor House.

[GWENDOLEN and CECILY are at the window, looking out into the gar-
den.]
GWENDOLEN The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as
anyone else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some
sense of shame left.
CECILY They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
G W E N D O L E N [After a pause.] They don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you
cough?
CECILY But I haven't got a cough.
GWENDOLEN They're looking at us. What effrontery!
CECILY They're approaching. That's very forward of them.
GWENDOLEN Let us preserve a dignified silence.
CECILY Certainly. It's the only thing to do now.
[Enter J A C K followed by A L G E R N O N . They whistle some dreadful popular
air from a British Opera.6]
GWENDOLEN This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
CECILY A most distasteful one.
GWENDOLEN But we will not be the first to speak.
CECILY Certainly not.
GWENDOLEN Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.
Much depends on your reply.
CECILY Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly
answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian's
brother?
ALGERNON In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
C E C I L Y [To GWENDOLEN.] That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation,
does it not?
GWENDOLEN Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
CECILY I don't. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.
GWENDOLEN True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the
vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pre-
tending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an oppor-
5. A relatively informally furnished room for drawing room, a much more formal and elegant
receiving visitors making morning calls (usually setting.
close friends of the host or hostess). Afternoon vis- 6. Probably a reference to one of the operas of
itors, on the other hand, would be received in the W. S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan.
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1 732 / OSCAR W I L D E

tunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?

JACK Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?
GWENDOLEN I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush
them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to C E C I L Y . ]
7

Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worth-

ing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.
CECILY 1 am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice
alone inspires one with absolute credulity.
GWENDOLEN Then you think we should forgive them?
CECILY Yes. I mean no.
GWENDOLEN True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one
cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant
one.
CECILY Could we not both speak at the same time?
GWENDOLEN An excellent idea! 1 nearly always speak at the same time as
other people. Will you take the time from me?
CECILY Certainly. [GWENDOLEN beats time with uplifted finger.]
G W E N D O L E N AND C E C I L Y [Speaking together.] Your Christian names are still
an insuperable barrier. That is all!
J A C K AND A L G E R N O N [Speaking together.] Our Christian names! Is that all?
But we are going to be christened this afternoon.
G W E N D O L E N [To JACK.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?
JACK I a m .
CECILY [To ALGERNON.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
ALGERNON I a m !
GWENDOLEN How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions
of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
JACK We are. [Clasps hands with A L G E R N O N . ]
CECILY They have moments of physical courage of which we women know
absolutely nothing.
G W E N D O L E N [To JACK.] Darling!
A L G E R N O N [To CECILY.] Darling. [They fall into each other's arms.]
[Enter MERRIMAN. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situa-
tion.]
MERRIMAN Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!
JACK Good heavens!
[Enter LADY BRACKNELL. The couples separate in alarm. Exit MERRI-
MAN.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L Gwendolen! What does this mean?
GWENDOLEN Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing,
mamma.
Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of
LADY B R A C K N E L L
any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the
old. [Turns to JACK.] Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her
trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I
followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad
8

to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually

7. Many 19th-century German scholars (e.g., texts.

D. F. Strauss) were notorious among the British 8. Freight train.
for being skeptical in their analyses of religious
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a

Permanent Income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed
I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong.
But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between
yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On
this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.
JACK I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell!
LADY B R A C K N E L L Y O U are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Alger-
non! . . . Algernon!
ALGERNON Yes, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr.
Bunbury resides?
A L G E R N O N [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is
somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have
been extremely sudden.
A L G E R N O N [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury
died this afternoon.
LADY B R A C K N E L L What did he die of?
ALGERNON Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I
was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so,
he is well punished for his morbidity.
ALGERNON My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors
found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean—so Bunbury
died.
LADY B R A C K N E L L He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of
his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to
some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And
now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worth-
ing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now
holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?
JACK That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.
[LADY B R A C K N E L L bows coldly to CECILY.]
ALGERNON I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L I beg your pardon?
CECILY Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.
LADY' B R A C K N E L L [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.] I do
not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this
particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on
seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid
down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would
not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with
any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information.
Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose
origin was a Terminus. [JACK looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself]
9

J A C K [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is the granddaughter of the late
Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149, Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking,
Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B. 1

9. Station at the end of a railway line. 1. Presumably North Britain, i.e., Scotland.
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11734 / OSCAR W I L D E

LADY B R A C K N E L L That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always

inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their
authenticity?
JACK I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are
2

open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.

LADY B R A C K N E L L [Grimly.] I have known strange errors in that publication.
JACK Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and
Markby.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest
position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markbys
is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.
J A C K [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also
in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew's
birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation,
and the measles; both the German and the English variety.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps
somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favor of premature
experiences. [Rises, looks at her ivatch.] Gwendolen! the time approaches
for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr.
Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?
JACK Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds.' That
is all. Good-bye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred
and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me
a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present
day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve
with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. [To CECILY.] Come
over here, dear, [CECILYgoes across.] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple,
and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon
alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really mar-
vellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one
to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not
know her.
J A C K [Aside.] And after six months nobody knew her. 4

[Glares at J A C K for a few moments. Then bends, with a practiced

LADY B R A C K N E L L
smile, to CECILY.] Kindly turn round, sweet child, [CECILY turns completely
round.] No, the side view is what I want, [CECILY presents her profile.] Yes,
quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The
two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile.
The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is
worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!
ALGERNON Yes, Aunt Augusta!
LADY B R A C K N E L L There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's
profile.
ALGERNON Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.
And I don't care twopence about social possibilities.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only peo-
2. Directories commonly used in this era. 4. I.e., she became socially unacceptable because
3. Interest-bearing government bonds. of her scandalous behavior.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

pie who can't get into it do that. [To CECILY.] Dear child, of course you know
that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not
approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no
fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to
stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.
ALGERNON Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Cecily, you may kiss me!
C E C I L Y [Kisses her. ] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
LADY B R A C K N E L L You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.
CECILY Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.
ALGERNON Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
CECILY Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
LADY B R A C K N E L L T O speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.
They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before
marriage, which I think is never advisable.
JACK I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engage-
ment is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew's guardian, and she
cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I
absolutely decline to give.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I
may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but
he looks everything. What more can one desire?
JACK It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell,
about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral
character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [ALGERNON and C E C I L Y look at
him in indignant amazement.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an
Oxonian. 5

JACK I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon,
during my temporary absence in London on an important question of
romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence
of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I've just been
informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, '89; 6

a wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful decep-
tion, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections
of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single
muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was
perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had
a brother, and that I don't intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I
distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have
decided entirely to overlook my nephew's conduct to you.
JACK That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, how-
ever, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [To CECILY.] Come here, sweet child, [CECILY goes over.]
How old are you, dear?
5. I.e., he had been a student at Oxford (in medi- 6. An outstanding brand and year of dry cham-
eval Latin, Oxonia). pagne.
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1 736 / OSCAR WILDE

CECILY Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I
go to evening parties.
LADY B R A C K N E L L You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration.
Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so
calculating. . . . [In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty
at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and
free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don't think your guardian's consent
is, after all, a matter of any importance.
JACK Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is
only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather's will Miss
Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.
LADY B R A C K N E L L That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-
five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very
highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for
years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she
has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was
many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be
even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.
There will be a large accumulation of property.
CECILY Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?
ALGERNON Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.
CECILY Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that time. I hate
waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I
am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and
waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.
ALGERNON Then what is to be done, Cecily?
CECILY I don't know, Mr. Moncrieff.
LADY B R A C K N E L L My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively
that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to
say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you
to reconsider your decision.
JACK But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands.
The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly
allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite aware
that what you propose is out of the question.
JACK Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.
LADY B R A C K N E L L This is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon,
of course, can choose for himself. [Pidls out her watch.] Come, dear; [GWEN-
D O L E N rises.] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more
might expose us to comment on the platform.
[Ewier DR. C H A S U B L E . ]
CHASUBLE Everything is quite ready for the christenings.
LADY B R A C K N E L L The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature!
C H A S U B L E [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to J A C K and ALGERNON.] Both
these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.
LADY B R A C K N E L L At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Alger-
non, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord
Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in
which you wasted your time and money.
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

CHASUBLE Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at

all this afternoon?
JACK I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value
to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.
CHASUBLE I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing.
They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have
7

completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your

present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church
at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the 8

last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss
Prism?
CHASUBLE Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter
may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.
Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with
education?
C H A S U B L E [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivated of ladies, and
the very picture of respectability.
LADY B R A C K N E L L It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position
she holds in your household?
C H A S U B L E [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam.
J A C K [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three
years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion.
LADY B R A C K N E L L In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let
her be sent for.
C H A S U B L E [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh.
[Enter MISS PRISM hurriedly.]
MISS PRISM I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been
waiting for you there for an hour and three quarters. [Catches sight O/ADY
B R A C K N E L L who has fixed her with a stony glare, M I S S P R I S M grows pale and
quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L [In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [MISS P R I S M hows her
head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [MISS P R I S M approaches in a humble
manner.] Prism! Where is that baby? [General consternation, T H E CANON
starts back in horror. A L G E R N O N and J A C K pretend to be anxious to shield
C E C I L Y and G W E N D O L E N from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]
Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's house, Number
104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a
baby, of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the
elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was
discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. 9

It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually

revolting sentimentality, [MISS P R I S M starts in involuntary indignation.] But
the baby was not there! [Everyone looks at M I S S PRISM.] Prism! Where is that
baby? [A pause.]
7. A radical Protestant sect of the 17th century, worshippers to their pews and open the doors for
whose repudiation of infant baptism was regarded them.
as heretical by Anglicans. 9. A once fashionable locality in the West End
8. A person employed at church services to usher near Kensington Gardens.
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11738 / OSCAR WILDE

MISS PRISM Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only
wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day
you mention, a day that is forever branded on my memory, I prepared as
usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a some-
what old, but capacious handbag, in which I had intended to place the
manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied
hours. In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive
myself, I deposited the manuscript in the bassinette, and placed the baby
in the handbag.
J A C K [Who has been listening attentively.] But where did you deposit the
handbag?
MISS PRISM Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.
JACK Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I insist on
knowing where you deposited the handbag that contained that infant.
MISS PRISM I left it in the cloak room of one of the larger railway stations in
London.
JACK What railway station?
M I S S P R I S M [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks into a chair.]
JACK I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me.
GWENDOLEN If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
[Exit JACK in great excitement. ]
CHASUBLE What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?
LADY B R A C K N E L L I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly tell
you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed
to occur. They are hardly considered the thing.
[Noises heard overhead as if someone was throwing trunks about. Every-
one looks up.]
CECILY Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.
CHASUBLE Your guardian has a very emotional nature.
LADY B R A C K N E L L This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he was
having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar,
and often convincing.
C H A S U B L E [Looking up.] It has stopped now. [The noise is redoubled.]
LADY B R A C K N E L L I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.
GWENDOLEN This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
[Enter J A C K with a handbag of black leather in his hand.]
JACK [Rushing over to M I S S PRISM.1 Is this the handbag, Miss Prism? Examine
it carefully before you speak. The happiness of more than one life depends
on your answer.
M I S S P R I S M [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it received
through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier
days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance
beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here, on the lock,
are my initials. I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them
placed there. The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so
unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a great inconvenience being with-
out it all these years.
J A C K [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this
handbag. I was the baby you placed in it.
M I S S P R I S M [Amazed.] You!
J A C K [Embracing her.] Yes . . . mother!
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T H E IMPORTANCE OF B E I N G EARNEST, ACT 1 / 17 11

MISS P R I S M [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] Mr. Worthing! I am

unmarried!
JACK Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has
the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance
1

wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men, and another
for women? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries to embrace her again.]
M I S S P R I S M [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, there is some error. [Point-
ing to LADY BRACKNELL.] There is the lady who can tell you who you really
are.
J A C K [After a -pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would
you kindly inform me who I am?
LADY B R A C K N E L L I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not alto-
gether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and
consequently Algernon's elder brother.
JACK Algy's elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a
brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily—how could you have ever
doubted that I had a brother? [Seizes hold of ALGERNON.] Dr. Chasuble, my
unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my
unfortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me
with more respect in the future. You have never behaved to me like a brother
in all your life.
ALGERNON Well, not till today, old boy, I admit. I did my best, however,
though I was out of practice. [Shakes hands.]
G W E N D O L E N [To JACK.] My own! But what own are you? What is your Chris-
tian name, now that you have become someone else?
JACK Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point. Your decision on
the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?
GWENDOLEN I never change, except in my affections.
CECILY What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!
JACK Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, a
moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the handbag, had I been
christened already?
LADY B R A C K N E L L Every luxury that money could buy, including christening,
had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.
JACK Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I given?
Let me know the worst.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after
your father.
J A C K [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father's Christian name?
LADY B R A C K N E L L [Meditatively.] I cannot at the present moment recall what
the General's Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was
eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that was the result of the
Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.
JACK Algy! Can't you recollect what our father's Christian name was?
ALGERNON My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died
before I was a year old.

1. When the scribes and Pharisees brought to answered: "He that is without sin among you, let
Jesus an adulterous woman with the reminder that him first cast a stone at her" (John 8.7).
the law of Moses required her to be stoned, he
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11740 / OSCAR W I L D E

JACK His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt
Augusta?
LADY B R A C K N E L L The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his
domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military
directory.
JACK The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful records
should have been my constant study. [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books
out.] M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they
2

have—Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant 1840, Captain,

Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.
[Pwis book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.] I always told you,
Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn't I? Well it is Ernest after all. I mean
it naturally is Ernest.
LADY B R A C K N E L L Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest. I
knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.
GWENDOLEN Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you could have
no other name!
JACK Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all
his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?
GWENDOLEN I can. For I feel that you are sure to change.
JACK M y o w n one!
CHASUBLE [To M I S S PRISM.] Laetitia! [Embraces her.]
M I S S P R I S M [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! At last!
ALGERNON Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last!
JACK Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last!
My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.
LADY R R A C K N E L L
JACK On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I've now realized for the first time in
my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.
CURTAIN

performed 1 8 9 5 1899

From De Profundis1

And the end of it all is that I have got to forgive you. I must do so. I don't
write this letter to put bitterness into your heart, but to pluck it out of mine.
For my own sake I must forgive you. One cannot always keep an adder in one's
breast to feed on one, nor rise up every night to sow thorns in the garden of
one's soul. It will not be difficult at all for me to do so, if you help me a little.
Whatever you did to me in old days I always readily forgave. It did you no good

2. A play on the name of Max Beerbohm (1872— cillis (Letter In Prison and in Chains). He was
1956), English essayist, caricaturist, and parodist. given the manuscript on his release and turned it
I. Out of the depths (Latin); Psalm 130.1: "Out over to a friend, Robert Ross, who gave it its cur-
of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord." rent title and published it in an abridged version in
While in prison in Reading Gaol, Wilde was 1905, after Wilde's death. After Douglas's death in
allowed a pen and paper only to write letters. Given 1945, a fuller text was published by Wilde's son,
one sheet of paper at a time, which was taken away Vyvyan Holland; but only in 1962, when scholars
after it was filled, Wilde wrote this work as a letter could consult the original manuscript, did a com-
to Lord Alfred Douglas, whose nickname was plete version appear.
Bosie. Wilde titled it Epistola: In Carcere et Vin-