January 24, 2015

How to Say Anything

to Anyone
A Guide to Building Business Relationships
That Really Work
Shari Harley
©2013 by Shari Harley
Adapted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press
ISBN: 978-1-60832-409-5

Key Concepts
• A lack of candor can create a business environment that is ineffective and inefficient.
• Business people need feedback to guide their careers and direct business results.
• Feedback is given for only two reasons—to maintain or to change behaviors. Feedback should be focused
on facts, not on feelings about the person or the situation.
• In a trusting relationship, valuable feedback can be given usually in less than two minutes.
• People should not assume that others like to work as they do; instead, they should ask others about their
work preferences.
• Managers can eliminate much of the guessing that goes into managing people by asking them questions
and building trust.
• By regularly asking for feedback and accepting it graciously, businesspeople can foster improvements in
their business relationships and the results of working with others.

Introduction
In How to Say Anything to Anyone, Shari Harley makes the case that candor is missing in the workplace. By
being more candid, businesspeople can create effective and open business relationships. She describes how
businesspeople can provide honest feedback to others, allowing them to maintain behaviors that are effective
and change those that are not. She also advocates that businesspeople should request candid feedback about
themselves from others to help them improve their performance and take control of their careers.

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How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

Making a Case for Candor

For some people, candor is considered a negative word. However, what they do not consider is that a lack of
candor can affect them in business and in life in general. In many life situations, people never find out what they
could do differently to avoid repeating their problems. For example, they do not learn why they did not get a
job or why a friend stopped calling.

Also, they do not provide feedback to others who do not meet expectations. They change accountants when
they find a mistake, or they dine elsewhere when receiving bad service at a restaurant. Few people speak up
about their disappointments, including bosses and coworkers who are disappointed with an employee’s perfor-
mance. In these situations, the employee has to make assumptions about the reasons why, and the stories he
or she makes up are never good.

In business, guessing what went wrong is inefficient. Just because a person thinks he or she is providing good
customer service does not make it a reality. Employees can be more effective if they clearly know how their
managers, coworkers, and customers perceive their performance.

What is needed is an organizational culture of candor. Otherwise, members of the organization operate under
false pretenses. To be candid, people should ask more questions at the start of their relationships to set expecta-
tions. With candor, businesspeople can create effective and open business relationships. When they learn the
impacts of their behavior, they can choose outcomes and have more power and control over their careers.

Even our closest Establishing Candid Relationships

friends don’t speak Despite all the books and training programs available, organizations are not
developing cultures of candor. People do not feel that they have permission
up about the things to speak up and are afraid of damaging existing relationships if they do. They
we do that disappoint think it is too hard to confront people and deal with conflict.
them. They don’t want
to cause conflict, hurt Individuals can kick-start their professional relationships by asking others to
be honest with them. They can give their bosses, coworkers, customers, and
our feelings, or dam- vendors the permission these people seek to speak their minds, and these
age the relationship. people can ask the individuals to do the same. Managers can do likewise with
But when someone their direct reports, setting expectations and building trust. Though they do
does not speak up, not need permission, supervisors might be reluctant to provide candid feed-
the relationship is back, fearing they might offend their employees or damage relationships.
Employees can facilitate candid relationships by encouraging their supervi-
damaged anyway.
sors to be honest and forthright with feedback.

Instead of waiting for situations to go wrong, businesspeople can establish clear expectations when they start
new relationships and projects. They can let their coworkers know they want good relationships, agreeing that
when problems emerge it is expected that discussions must occur before breakdowns arise.

Obtaining Results
Instead of expecting things to proceed perfectly, businesspeople should assume breakdowns will occur and
plan accordingly. To set expectations about how to meet these challenges with clients, coworkers, or managers,
businesspeople can follow these steps during a one-on-one conversation or a project kick-off meeting:

• Stating as a goal the desire to have a good working relationship that includes giving feedback when expec-
tations are not met.
• Agreeing on roles and responsibilities and how often the status of the project and relationship is evaluated.
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How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

• Deciding how to address challenges as they occur without anyone taking things personally.
• Asking for feedback and giving permission to others to say anything at anytime.
• Asking for permission to provide feedback.
• Agreeing on who can give and who can receive feedback.
• Determining the frequency and process for communicating and assessing progress.
Asking up front for what is required for a healthy working relationship helps reduce missteps and confusion and
facilitates discussions when problems do occur.

Taking the Mystery Out of Working with Others

Often, people assume they know how others like to work, and they usually assume that those others like to work
as they do. Businesspeople can attain a clear idea about how their coworkers like to work by asking the follow-
ing questions:

• What is your preferred method of communication (e.g., email, phone, in per-

son, or other methods)? When we don’t know
• Are you a morning, afternoon, or evening person? how people like to
• Do you prefer to schedule appointments for discussions, or can I drop by your work, we guess and
office or give you a call? then usually treat
• What is the best method to contact you outside of regular business hours, if them the way we
needed? And what times are appropriate? like to be treated …
• Do you mind being called on your cell phone? When the people you
• Do you have any pet peeves? What annoys you at work? work with get what
• How do you signal that you are frustrated? they need, you will
• For urgent requests, what is the best way to interrupt you? get what you need.
• Where should I leave something when you are not in your office? The problem is that
most people won’t
Other topics can be discussed to learn about coworkers, such as hobbies, birth-
days, and concerns at work. Most importantly, a businessperson should ask tell you when you
coworkers what they would like to know about him or her. fail to accommodate
their preferences.
Creating candid relationships takes time and is an iterative process, but each step
progresses further down the path to a powerful working relationship.

Creating Candid Managerial Relationships

Managers can create relationships with employees in which the employees feel comfortable expressing their
dissatisfaction. The candor gives managers the opportunity to turn around problems and retain employees. The
better a manager knows his or her employees, the easier they are to manage.

Managers can eliminate much of the guessing that goes into managing people by asking them questions and
building trust. Knowing the employees better helps managers motivate them for long-term performance. In
discussions with new employees, managers can find out the following information:

• Three things that will keep them with the organization.

• One thing that would make them leave the organization.
• Three things that would make them satisfied on the job.
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How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

• What they enjoy doing the most.

• Something that they have never done that they want to do.
• Skills they want to develop.
• Whether they like public or private recognition for a job well done.
• What they want to be doing in one year and in three years.
• Why they accepted this position and what they are hoping it will provide.
• Any concerns they might have.
• How they communicate frustration or the need for support.
• What they want to know about the manager.
• Other information they want the manager to know.
• Any questions they might have.
In addition to learning more about employees, a manager should provide employees with background informa-
tion about their roles, the manager’s role, the department, and the team. This information gives the employee a
strong start in the relationships they will develop in their assignments.

A manager who is serious about building trust and relationships is constantly It’s possible to have
asking employees for feedback about his or her managing style and what he open relationships in
or she should start doing, stop doing, continue doing, or do more of. If man- which your employ-
agers ask these types of questions and foster a relationship of candor with ees tell you when
employees, they will never be surprised by the resignation of a frustrated or they’re dissatisfied.
disengaged employee.
When employees are
Managing Up with Candor candid, they give you
Employees are responsible for their own careers—no one else is. They cannot the chance to retain
assume that their job satisfaction and performance are dependent on the per- them. Without this
sons they work for. Instead of waiting to be told, they should find out what knowledge, we don’t
is important to their bosses to get their relationships off to a powerful start. know why seemingly
Employees can take control of their performance, reputations, and business
happy employees
relationships by getting regular feedback from their managers and by learn-
ing the following information:
leave.

• What parts of the project to communicate to their managers, in what format, and how frequently.
• The level of detail needed in communications.
• The format that works best for reporting to their managers.
• The goals for the department.
• How the department goals contribute to the strategic plan and annual goals of the overall organization.
• Tasks that should be accomplished in one month, two months, and three months.
• How successful performance is tracked and measured.
• Information about the person who previously held the job, or the reason why the new job was created.
• The type of work to focus on and the work to avoid.
• The history and culture of the team.
• How their teams view their roles.
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How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

• People in the organization that should be contacted.

• Meetings that should be attended.
• Best and worst time to take vacations.
• What their managers would like to know about them.
• How they can request periodic feedback.

Strengthening Internal Business Relationships

In many organizations, communication is poor among departments, leading to confusion and redundant work.
Businesspeople should not assume that coworkers understand their roles and goals, nor should they assume
they fully understand the roles and goals of their coworkers. Meeting with those people to discuss goals, priori-
ties, and how to work together goes a long way toward improving relationships and smoothing out the working
processes. Discussions can allow both parties to learn information about the other department’s business goals,
strategic plans, accomplishments, deadlines, impact on the business, and issues to overcome. Both parties can
learn how best to work together, which actions by one department would cause problems for the other, and
which processes need improvement. Making an effort to learn about other departments is an easy way for a
businessperson to stand out from other colleagues and become someone
Starting a relationship others want to work with.
by asking what peo-
ple expect from you, Maintaining Relationships
but never checking in Business relationships (as well as personal ones) require an ongoing effort
of asking questions and setting expectations. A check-in in with colleagues
to ask how things are should occur at least quarterly to determine how their roles have changed
going, is like taking and where relationships are succeeding or failing. By regularly asking for
someone’s order in a feedback and accepting it graciously, businesspeople can foster improve-
restaurant but never ments in their business relationships and in their work.
checking back to see
Earning the Trust of Others
how he is enjoying the
Having great communication skills and techniques, asking questions, and
meal … Your cowork- requesting feedback go a long way toward creating good relationships, but
ers are no different. they will fail if people do not trust one another. Certain activities can easily
They’re more likely to break down trust as it starts to build in a relationship. Gossiping—talking
work around you than about others when they are not present—is a big trust-buster. Making com-
tell you they’re dissat- mitments and sticking to them (or communicating when you cannot do so)
is an important step in building trust. Also, telling the truth and admitting
isfied.
when mistakes have been made help build integrity and a good reputation.
Managers should learn to share more information. Sharing information helps quell the rumor mill in a business
setting. The more that managers trust their employees with information, the more the employees will trust
their managers.

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Businesspeople need feedback to guide their careers and direct business results. Feedback is given for only
two reasons—to maintain or change behaviors. Positive feedback is a milestone that lets employees know they
are on the right track. Negative feedback helps them understand how to get back on the right track. To ensure
tasks that are done effectively and in a timely manner are repeated, positive feedback must be given to those
performing the tasks and appreciation must be expressed.

Business Book Summaries® • January 24, 2015 • Copyright © 2015 EBSCO Publishing Inc. • www.ebscohost.com • All Rights Reserved 5
How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

When people receive negative feedback, they usually become defensive. They will typically go through five
stages before accepting the information: shock, anger, resistance, acceptance, and then hopefulness. To reduce
a recipient’s defensiveness, the person giving negative feedback can be specific, focusing on actions, conse-
quences of the actions, and alternative methods and behaviors for future performance.

Using the Feedback Formula

When a businessperson has established a trusting relationship with someone and secured permission to give
him or her feedback, it should be done in less than two minutes. Short, direct messages are easier for recipients
to hear and act on. The recipients might not like what is being said, but they will appreciate the candor with
which it is being said. The Feedback Formula for saying anything to anyone uses the following eight steps:

1. Explaining the topic of the conversation.

2. Empathizing with the recipient.
3. Describing the observed behavior.
4. Defining the impact of the behavior.
5. Asking the recipient for his or her observations of the situation.
6. Suggesting a different behavior for the next time.
7. Agreeing on next steps and improved processes.
8. Expressing appreciation by saying “thank you.”
By using these steps, the people who are giving feedback can focus on facts, not on how they feel about the
person or the situation. When conversations proceed using these steps, recipients can remember the situation
more vividly, understand the impact of their actions, take the opportunity to explain themselves, and build a
plan for the future.

Giving Useful Feedback Are you wonder-

Giving honest, direct feedback—no matter how difficult the message is—helps
ing how to find out
strengthen the relationship and builds trust, because the person giving the
feedback is demonstrating that he or she cares about the recipient. Although what people are say-
recipients might initially respond poorly to feedback, they really want to know ing about you when
how to improve performance and avoid damage to their credibility. you’re not there? The
Those who provide feedback need to find the courage to say in person what
answer is simple—
needs to be said. Sending feedback via email or voice mail is cowardly and ask! … Knowing what
does not allow the sender to convey the proper tone or see how the recipient people think and say
responds. Givers of feedback should ensure they have permission to provide about you gives you
feedback. the power to control
Before the feedback meeting, the conversation should be planned so it is what you put in front
specific and timely, but scheduled when neither participant is upset. Not too of others and take
many topics should be addressed at once, and the feedback should be given charge of your career.
within one week of an incident.

Learning What Others Say About You

People like to talk, especially about others. Confidential information seems to spread quickly. Impressions of
others are formed quickly and are difficult to change. Although businesspeople cannot control what others

Business Book Summaries® • January 24, 2015 • Copyright © 2015 EBSCO Publishing Inc. • www.ebscohost.com • All Rights Reserved 6
How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley
think, feel, or say, they can control the information that is available to others. By changing behaviors, appear-
ances, work habits, and other visible attributes, businesspeople can change how others perceive them.

Getting honest feedback is key for businesspeople to determine what others think about them. However, few
people are willing to give honest feedback about mistakes others make. Businesspeople need to find others that
they trust and give them permission to provide feedback.

Making the feedback process smooth makes it easier for others to tell the truth and provide more information.
The recipients of feedback must be willing to hear both bad and good feedback, because without balanced,
candid evaluations they cannot learn what needs changing or improving. With candid information, the recipi-
ents of feedback can more easily manage their careers, relationships, and results.

Dealing with Difficult Situations

No matter how well people work together, there will be times when relationships are challenged. Conflict, power
struggles, and territorialism tend to emerge whenever a group of people attempt to accomplish goals together.

Time spent setting expectations and building good working relationships help reduce many of the awkward
conversations that occur in difficult situations, but not all of them.

In difficult situations, it is best to speak up and make requests, especially when the intention is to strengthen
a relationship or improve results. Timing is important; although if there is a delay in addressing a concern or
speaking one’s mind, the feedback can still be given later. Using the Feedback Formula to have a candid conver-
sation will help those giving feedback to steer the conversation toward behaviors, actions, and processes—not
emotions and personalities.

If businesspeople learn through feedback that they managed something poorly, they should apologize, which
will not detract from their messages.

Developing Business Relationships That Really Work

Using the right tools and language can help businesspeople develop environments in which they do not have
to guess what is important to others. It also helps them learn the rules of the game and understand what they
need to do to win. In this environment, people are willing to provide both positive and negative feedback to one
another. They are constantly aware of where they stand with bosses, coworkers, and customers. They know their
reputations and how others perceive them. Projects are finished more smoothly, and teams work well together.
In less time, more is accomplished.

The difference between relationships that work well and those that do not can attributed to courage—both
having the courage to ask for information and to tell the truth.

Features of the Book

Estimated Reading Time: 3–4 hours, 174 pages

In How to Say Anything to Anyone, Sheri Harley uses lessons she learned from her career and her personal life
to help readers learn how to create lasting and effective business relationships, to take control of their careers,
and to accomplish goals while working with others. Her book is filled with personal anecdotes that bring her
discussions to life and illustrate how her suggestions work in the real work environment. Particularly useful is
the Feedback Formula that readers can utilize when practicing giving effective feedback. Harley also includes

Business Book Summaries® • January 24, 2015 • Copyright © 2015 EBSCO Publishing Inc. • www.ebscohost.com • All Rights Reserved 7
How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

analyses of difficult situations and examples of how managers can address them with the techniques offered in
her book. After reading the book from cover to cover, readers can refer later to the summaries at the end of each
chapter to refresh their knowledge.

Contents
Introduction: The Case for Candor

Chapter One: How to Establish Candid Relationships

Chapter Two: You Get What You Ask For

Chapter Three: Taking the Mystery Out of Working with Others

Chapter Four: How to Create Candid Managerial Relationships

Chapter Five: Managing Up with Candor

Chapter Six: Strengthening Internal Business Relationships

Chapter Seven: Relationships Require Maintenance

Chapter Eight: Can I Trust You?

Chapter Nine: Giving and Receiving Feedback: What, When, Why, and How

Chapter Ten: The Feedback Formula

Chapter Eleven: Tips for Giving Useful Feedback

Chapter Twelve: What They Say When You’re Not There

Chapter Thirteen: Dealing with Difficult Situations

Chapter Fourteen: Business Relationships That Really Work

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Further Information
Information about the author and subject:
candidculture.com
Information about this book and other business titles:
gbgpress.com

Click Here to Purchase the Book

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Say Anything to Anyone, Anywhere
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By Gayle Cotton
Business Book Summaries® • January 24, 2015 • Copyright © 2015 EBSCO Publishing Inc. • www.ebscohost.com • All Rights Reserved 8
How to Say Anything to Anyone Shari Harley

The Art of Conversation

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About the Author

Shari Harley began her career selling and facilitating programs for Dale Carnegie training. She also served
as a trainer for American Century Investments, led leadership development and succession planning for
OppenheimerFunds, and taught leadership courses at the University of Denver. She holds an MA in applied
communication from the University of Denver and a BA in psychology from Washington University in St. Louis,
Missouri. In 2007, Harley launched Candid Culture, a training and consulting firm that seeks to bring candor
back to the workplace, creating a safe haven for employees and managers to speak honestly. Harley is a busi-
ness speaker, trainer, and consultant for organizations throughout the United States and in Singapore, Thailand,
Malaysia, India, Dubai, and Australia.

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