How To Be Assertive

Your ability to be assertive will affect everything you do, in every area of your life. It has an impact
on how you spend your time on a day to day basis but also impacts your major life decisions as
well as general feelings of wellbeing and satisfaction with your life.

Assertive behaviour is:

“Behaviour which enables a person to act in his own best interests, to stand up for
himself without undue anxiety, to express his honest feelings comfortably, or to
exercise his own rights without denying the rights of others” - Calberti and Emmons

Being assertive encompasses two main elements:

1 - Being able to communicate your feelings, needs and opinions effectively to

other people

2 - Being able to set boundaries for yourself and say ‘No’ where necessary

Most people struggle with these two elements in at least some areas of their lives.

When you find it difficult to be assertive you may find that you think or feel the following things:

* I feel angry when people are taking me for granted

* I say yes to too many things

* I can’t let people down

* I feel resentful at having to do everything

* I get angry for the smallest of reasons

* I wish I could just say how I feel

* I don’t know why people don't understand me

‘Be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don’t matter and
those who matter don’t mind’ - Dr Seuss

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Living your life without being able to express yourself and set appropriate boundaries can lead to,
or contribute to:

* Resentment

* Frustration

* Anger - often directed in entirely unrelated places that feel safe (eg, at a partner when the
problem is at work)

* Depression - Feeling hopeless and that you have no control over your own life

* Anxiety - Finding yourself in situations that you don't really want, trying to avoid conflict, feeling
out of control etc.

* Ill-health - Attempting to suppress or reject your own emotions and needs can mean they linger in
your body causing physical complaints such as frequent headaches, pain, high blood pressure
and tiredness.

* Unsatisfactory relationships - When you are unable to express your needs your intimate
relationships and friendships and likely to feel unsatisfactory. Also, that bubbling resentment can
create arguments and tensions that are difficult to resolve.

When you begin to realise the detrimental effects of your lack of assertiveness skills, it becomes
clear that the cost to you is too high. You may have internalised rules about the importance of
pleasing people or not making a fuss, but its time to challenge these. You deserve better than
these consequences.

So, learning to be more assertive allows you to:

* Feel more in control of your life

* Feel more confident

* Say ‘no’ more easily and without making an excuse or feeling guilty

* Make sure your needs and feelings are being considered

* Express yourself clearly

* Be authentic to who you really are

* Improve your relationships

* Allow you to feel generally healthier and happier.

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Look at the picture below and imagine this represents you (you can get artistic and make it look
like you if you wish). Write in or around the arrow all the things that you are giving out to other
people. This might be things like time, needing to please, extra work, never say no, always
pleasing etc.

Then, inside the body write down the things you are supressing. These might be things like your
specific needs, anger, resentment, loneliness, exhaustion, fear, anxiety etc.

- Adapted from Jacqui Marson

When we are struggling to express ourselves assertively, usually what we are suppressing inside is
very different to what we are giving out to other people.

The hope is that through learning and applying assertiveness skills, we can bring these into
alignment so that what we give out on the outside reflects what is inside and vice versa. This helps
to ensure that we are living an authentic life and being true to ourselves in our actions.

(It is, of course normal to have some things inside that we do not express for various reasons).

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Our behaviour can change according to the situation we are in, the person we are dealing with and
how we are feeling. Assertiveness is about getting the balance right between passive and
aggressive and depends on whose needs we are considering as a priority. Assertiveness means
you are considering and respecting both yours and the other persons needs equally and
communicating this.

Others My
needs needs

Both our
needs

Read each of the following statements and see if you can identify whether they are passive (P),
Assertive (A) or Aggressive (Agg)

1. Something is bothering you but you remain silent so as not to cause a fuss ______________

2. You don't let a conversation end until the other person admits you are right _______________

3. You say ‘I am not happy with this service and I would like a refund’ _________________

4. You say ‘you make me feel really stupid when you do that’ ________________

5. You say to your colleague ‘You can’t talk to me that way’ _________________

6. You are reluctant to ask for help because it might make you appear incompetent ___________

7. You say ‘I felt uncomfortable when you said that to me’ _____________

8. Your partner is late to meet you so you say ‘Why are you so late?’ __________

9. A friend says ‘don’t be so sensitive’ ______________

10. You decide not to assert your feelings to a friend because you are at another friends wedding
and decide you don't feel its worth raising the issue _____________

Answers: 1P, 2Agg, 3A, 4Agg, 5Agg, 6P, 7A, 8Agg, 9Agg, 10A

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Can you identify yourself in different situations and perhaps others in your life based on the
descriptions below?

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Values others more than self Values self equal to others Values self more than others

Hurts self to avoid hurting others Tries to hurt no one (including Hurts others to avoid being hurt
self)

‘Your ok, Im not ok’ ‘Im ok, your ok’ Im ok, your not’

Is afraid to speak up Speaks openly Dominates conversation, talks

over others

Agrees with others even when Balances respecting own feelings Only considers and expresses
conflicting with personal feelings with respecting others feelings own feelings

Avoids eye contact Friendly, comfortable eye contact Staring, intimidating eye contact

Compliant and submissive Firm but polite Harsh, patronising, forceful

Suppresses own feelings Expresses feelings tactfully Expresses feelings to the

detriment of others

Very sensitive to disapproval Sensitive to both self and others Disrespectful to others

May feel anxious, unimportant Feels secure, confident and May feel superior, can get angry
and sad caring quickly. May be self protective.

Damages self esteem Builds self esteem Damages self esteem

‘The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and
behaviour affects the rights and wellbeing of others’ - Sharon Anthony Bower

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Most of us will be passive in some situations and aggressive in others, even though we may feel
this is not desirable.

There are usually reasons behind all behaviours and since being assertive can be difficult at times,
its not surprising that the balance tips for each of us at different times.

Common causes of passive and aggressive behaviour:

* Fear - Of being rejected

Passive Of upsetting other people
Of not being liked
Of being thought of badly

* Low self esteem - Feeling unworthy

Not believing in their rights
Believing other peoples
opinions are more valid
Seeking acceptance

* Lack of skills - not knowing how to be

assertive

* Beliefs - I should never make a fuss

I should aim to please people
I should always be helpful

* Insecurity - Feeling threatened

Aggressive Protecting themselves
Feeling powerless
Fear of doing things
differently

* Benefits - Often being aggressive will

get you what you want in the short
term

* Lack of skills - not knowing how to be

assertive and get their needs met any
other way

* Beliefs - I need to be noticed

I need to win

‘Assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self esteem without
hurting others’

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It is perfectly normal to find some situations easier to be assertive in than others. For example, you
might find it very easy to set boundaries at work to make sure your workload is appropriate and
you are treated well, but you might find yourself feeling like a doormat in a certain friendship.

Think about the different elements of your life and the different relationships you have with family
members, friends and partners. Try to decide whether you are assertive or not in each life area and
relationship and jot down your thoughts.

Areas where I am assertive Areas where I am less assertive

Making changes to become more assertive can be challenging. You may find that other people
don't like you new assertive skills and try to push back, or you might find that it is tiring for you to
make the necessary changes. Try to be gentle with yourself through this process.

I suggest that you start your journey to assertiveness by focusing on one area of your life - it could
be a particular friendship, your boss or even your interactions with sales people.

I have decided to focus on becoming more assertive with

_________________________________________________

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 Bill of Rights

I have the right to:

1. Express my opinions and values

2. Express my feelings

3. Be treated with respect as an equal human being

4. Say “I do not understand” and ask for more

information

5. Make mistakes and change my mind

6. Make requests

7. Act independently of any roles in my life

8. Decline responsibility of other people’s problems

9. Say “Yes” or “no” for myself

10. Deal with others without being dependent on them

for approval.
- Adapted from Anne Dickinson

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Notice your reactions as you read the Bill of Rights. Most people have one or two rights that feel
are more difficult to put into practice or that they forget more than others. These ten rights apply to
any situation and to every human being on the planet. You are no exception.

You might find it useful to put this Bill of Rights somewhere you will see it everyday. You could
make it the background on your computer or on your phone or you could put it in the front of your
diary. It is really important to keep reminding yourself of these rights and let them help you
recognise when you could be more assertive.

For some people, (particularly those who have been passive for a long time or have been in close,
regular contact with an aggressive person), they have completely lost touch with what they actually
do want and so struggle to know what to ask for when being assertive. Using the Bill of Rights as
a reference is really helpful to begin to explore what you want and deserve again.

Your Assertiveness Toolbox

Here are all the skills you will need to be more assertive in any interaction or situation in your life.
You will need to use these skills over and over again. The more you practice and use
assertiveness skills, the more natural it will feel.

mber
Reme Using assertiveness skills does not necessarily mean that other people in your life
will change their behaviour. What it does mean is that you can express yourself honestly, assert
your opinions and rights and choose how to proceed with relationships within the boundaries you
determine.

Use your body language

The aim of communicating assertively is to be respectful but honest. Therefore, you should aim for
your body to be relaxed. Try to make sure that your shoulders are down away from your ears, your
hands are loose by your sides (you might find it useful to have something to hold) and you are
facing the other person in an appropriate manner.

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If the other person is standing up, it is useful for you to match this and also stand up so it doesn't
feel like you are being talked down to. It can also help to stand up if you are having a difficult
conversation over the phone as standing up can make you feel you have more authority.

Some people find it useful to imagine yourself as a tree, stood firmly with your feet rooted to the
floor. This can give a sense of authority and remind you that you are entitled to your rights and you
do not have to be swayed by another person.

If it is possible in the situation, you might suggest going for a walk and talking through the issue as
you walk to take away some of the pressure of the interaction.

Try to maintain relaxed, friendly eye contact as you are expressing yourself with honesty and
respect. Avoiding eye contact is passive and staring at the other person is aggressive so aim for
natural eye contact, as you would have with someone you are comfortable with.

Use deep breathing to keep yourself calm and to try to keep your voice steady.

Use ‘I’ statements

Assertiveness is about being able to express your feelings, needs and wishes without judging how
another person feels or blaming them for how you feel. You should be aiming to use facts not
judgements. Your approach is to respect yourself in equal measure to respecting another person.

When being assertive, it is important to use ‘I’ statements to convey your message in a strong yet
honest way. Using ‘I’ statements allows you to take responsibility for how you feel and make it clear
that you are simply expressing yourself to others and sharing what is true for you.

So ‘you make me feel…’ becomes ‘I feel…’

Here are some examples….

‘I would like a refund’

‘When you raise your voice like that I feel…. I would like you to…’
‘When you don’t tell me how you feel, I get anxious’

Since you are simply expressing yourself through honest ‘I’ statements, there is no opening for an
argument from the other person. You are not assigning blame, you are not looking for sympathy
you are just taking responsibility for how you feel and expressing it honestly.

You may need to be willing to allow silence during this interaction as the other person may be
unused to to expressing yourself in this way. Don't be tempted to fill the silence by justifying
yourself, just allow the silence to let what you have said sink in.

em ember
R You are only responsible for your own feelings, you are not responsible for how other
adults feel. You are also not required to please people. It may be necessary to let people down
sometimes for the sake of your wellbeing.

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 The Broken Record

This can be a very useful technique when you are interacting assertively with someone who tends
to be more aggressive in their communication and may attempt to avoid the issue or throw excuses
at you.

One you have decided what you need to communicate and have done so through your ‘I’
statements it can be very disheartening when the other person then argues with you or belittles
how you feel. At this point it would be very easy to revert back to being unassertive and losing the
good work you put in to getting this far.

So, if you find yourself faced with the other person in the interaction arguing with you, telling you
that you are wrong or anything else you find difficult to cope with, its time to use the broken record
technique.

This involves repeating your assertive statement over and over again, as many times as necessary
until the other person really hears what your are saying. You can acknowledge what the other
person is saying but remain assertive with your original statement.

You might say…

’I am hearing what you are saying to me but (repeat previous assertive statement)’
‘I don't want another drink’….’You can have another drink but I don't want one, thank you’
‘It’s too expensive’…’I know its on offer but its too expensive’…’I know I won’t fine it elsewhere but
its too expensive’

Saying ‘No’

Getting comfortable wth saying ‘no’ is often essential when learning to be assertive as it helps you
to lay down boundaries and priorities the things you really want and need to spend your time on.
Whenever you receive a request consider the implications of saying yes - what will you have to
sacrifice?

m ber
Reme It is ok to say ‘No’

Make sure you practice saying ‘No’ and get comfortable with it. The more confidently you say it, the
less chance there will be of other people trying to change your mind or persuade you.

When saying ‘No’, keep the following in mind:

- Be clear and unambiguous

- Allow the other person to express their feelings if necessary
- Don’t apologise
- Don’t make excuses
- You don't need to justify yourself

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 Act ‘as if’

It can be helpful to think of someone you know who is assertive and manages situations in a way
you really respect.

Imagine you could put yourself in their shoes to deal with your situation. How would they act? What
would they say?

Now imagine you could act ‘as if’ you are that person and can deal with the situation in exactly the
way you would like to.

No one needs to know that you are only pretending to have the confidence to act differently.

This can really help to just give you the little confidence boost you need to assert yourself. The
more you behave in an assertive way, the easier it will become and you will no longer need to
pretend.

Extra Bits & Bobs

Here are a few extra tips and tricks that can make your journey to assertiveness a little easier.

- Don't be afraid to ask for more time to think about something before you commit (you might need
to think about the implications for you or consider what you truly want to do)

e.g., ‘that sounds really interesting but I am not sure whether it will be possible for me at the
moment, let me check a few things and get back to you’

- Summarise the issue at hand to show your respect for their feelings as well as your own

- Be specific about what you want and remember that other people cant read your mind (you might
need to work on tuning in with yourself to work out what it is that you do want so you can
communicate this to other people)

- Mentally rehearse the situation before you face it - see yourself in your minds eye calmly and
assertively putting your point across or saying ‘no’ in exactly the way you would like to do it.

mb er
Reme Other people are also entitled to be assertive - this does not have to change how you
feel or what you believe to be right for you.

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Learning to be assertive is not always easy and it is really important to treat yourself with kindness
as you are making changes and experimenting in different situations.

It is also really important to review your progress after you have dealt with a situation so as to
celebrate your wins and progress as well as to consider what you could improve for next time.

After you have used assertiveness skills in a situation record what happened here:

The situation was…

I intended to….

What happened was…

One thing I am proud of is…

One thing I would do differently next time is…

e m ember
R
‘Even if people dislike my decision, I am still a worthwhile and likeable person’

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 Angela’s Word
When Angela was very young, So she begged whoever put her here
Age two or three or so, To take her back again.
Her mother and her father And then she heard, from deep inside,
Taught her never to say NO. A voice that was soft and low;
They taught her that she must agree It only said a single word
With everything they said, And the word it said was… NO!
And if she didn’t, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed. From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.
So Angela grew up to be Her life depended on that word,
A most agreeable child; So this is what her loved ones heard:
She was never angry
And she was never wild; NO, I just don’t want to;
She always shared, she always cared, NO, I don’t agree;
She never picked a fight, NO, that’s yours to handle;
And no matter what her parents said, NO, that’s wrong for me;
She thought that they were right. NO, I wanted something else;
NO, that hurt a lot!
Angela the Angel did very well in school NO, I’m tired, and NO, I’m busy,
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule; And NO, I’d rather not!
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good, Well, her family found it shocking,
But how Angela felt inside Her friends reacted with surprise;
They never understood. But Angela was different, you could see it in her
eyes;
Angela had lots of friends For they’ve held no meek submission
Who liked her for her smile; Since that night three years ago
They knew she was the kind of gal When Angela the Angel
Who’d go the extra mile; Got permission to say NO.
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest, Today Angela’s a person first, then a mother and
When someone asked her if she’d help a wife.
She always answered “Yes”. She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.
When Angela was thirty-three, she was She has talents and ambitions,
a lawyer’s wife. She has feelings, needs and goals.
She had a home and family, and a nice She has money in the bank and
suburban life. An opinion at the polls.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine, And to her boy and girl she says,
And if someone asked her how she felt “It’s nice when we agree;
She always answered, “Fine.” But if you can’t say NO, you’ll never grow
But one cold night near Christmas time To be all you’re meant to be.
When her family was in bed, Because I know I’m sometimes wrong
She lay awake as awful thoughts went And because I love you so,
spinning through her head; You’ll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO.”
She didn’t know why, and she didn’t know how,
But she wanted her life to end; ~Barbara K. Bassett

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