fgxhgfdhfghhI don’t know if I should be telling you any of this.

It’s
probably because I couldn’t find the courage to tell other people who
I held dear.It could also be because I wasn’t confident enough in what
I wanted to say,I didn’t say it in a concise and effective way with my
explanation/articulation of my thoughts proving to be inefficient, the
person listening didn’t exactly get what I said.It could also be due
to the fact that I am not exactly proud of certain aspects of my life
and refuse to let others know about it.Over the years I have come to
realize the fact that:

 I seemingly don’t know how to properly find faults within me and

employ effective techniques in order to try and fix them.
 I don’t believe in myself all that much.
 I focus on way too many things all at once.
 I procrastinate way too much.
 I am addicted to the internet and social media platforms such as
YouTube,Twitter,Reddit.
 I feel that I am easily susceptible to other forms of addiction.
 I play things way too safe.
 I hope for things which are out of my control and highly unlikely
to happen exactly in the way I would like to and have so
difficulty accepting them in ways they turnout differently.
 I become extremely jealous of people who achieve a high level of
success because I feel that I can do better
 I become extremely insecure and unable to properly defend myself
when others level criticism against me or the things I claim to
love.
 I have no idea as to how I can progress from the beginning of
task to the end of the task.
 I overthink and overanalyze literally everything.
 I can’t seem to cooperate or accept help from anyone.
 I tend to give up more often than not I crave for way too much
success way too fast and not trust on the process at hand.
 I don’t know how to deal with success,fame,ego,failure,regret or
depression.
 I don’t know what I need to do in order to get ahead of 99% of
the competition
 I don’t know what I need to do in order to fill in knowledge gaps
 I don’t know how to do in-depth research on literally anything

I don’t know how I should accept and move past the immature part of
me that just doesn’t seem all that interested in leading a more
productive life and just wants to return to a point in my life where
 I would do nothing but scrolling through social media all day and
fail to make something of myself.

I will try to elaborate on all the points I have made here moving
forward.I apologize if this feels like a rant rather than an essay
moving forward.

I feel like my addiction to social media is my biggest failure as a

human being in the 19 years of existence.It’s due to this very trait I
have wasted the potential I have.Ever since the age of three I was
simply content by sitting in front of a TV and enjoying whatever show
I thought I loved.It’s only now that I realize that what I thought to
be love was just infatuation.I had no love for even the most
fundamental piece of art.I thought I was special while in reality,I
had fallen into trap every child at that age does.I was just lost into
the world of characters who were designed with the sole intention of
making me poorer while the ones behind them grew richer.While I do
think one should retain their own inner child’s curiosity,original
thought,vast imagination and sheer sense of wonder I do think that
abandoning an extremely short attention span which requires a high
dose of dopamine on a daily basis is detrimental.It frequently goes
back to the pieces of entertainment I am infatuated with and wastes
hours/days/weeks/months/years of my life.Every time I have tried to
get out of this,I see my parents being addicted to social media and my
subconscious seemingly wants to justify it’s excessive usage and fall
back into this madness.This is not ideal because I fail to realize
that it’s due to them being more or less completely satisfied with
where they are in their life and wouldn’t dare attempt to try anything
new.I guess ignorance really is bliss.Also,why take risks when you can
always play it safe.It gets worse when I go onto this hellhole known
as Twitter and see how pessimistic,cynical and nihilistic many are it
just makes me drop all the effort I take and the progress I make in
rectifying any wrongs I have done.This is especially important because
I often feel like if I don’t go back and course correct my sins in the
next couple of years,there is a good chance they will catch up to me. I
need to find out where exactly I went wrong in my life and see how I
can get better.I really,really want to be better.If that happens I
have no doubt in my mind that there will be severe consequences.My
addiction to laziness and surrounding environment has resulted in lack
of experimentation and branching out into other activities.This has in
turn lead to me feeling limited and mediocre.I feel like I am always
missing my ace in the hole.I feel like a tentative step to take would
be to actually listen to what people around me say with an
understanding that they likely won’t provide me with the full picture
and look for the answers I want for myself,by myself.Maybe I should
look where others would not normally look and ask multiple people
about an issue I have.

I will admit that the addiction part of all this is a bit more on me
rather than on them.I was the one who failed to take accountability.I
often feel like if I just got rid of this trait then 90% of my other
issues would be resolved,instantaneously.The thought of not being able
to accomplish this haunts every day.Now,this might come off as being
unrelated but I am frankly tired of other people constantly reminding
me of what I am doing wrong and how I am falling short.I have come
despise that. I know that feedback is necessary and I am more than
willing to take all of it.However,I also think trusting me with
something without panicking every 5 seconds is also a valid approach
to take.This is some advice that I can’t help but take myself.No
matter what technique I use,which “GURU” I follow,how much time I take
to work on myself I always feel like I am not doing enough.I feel like
this ties very well into “The Mysterious Case of the Missing Ace” I
mentioned earlier.This is exceptionally frustrating because I don’t
want to give myself any excuses and want to set my standards as high
as possible.The quality of my any work I do should be better than all
the rest and must be done in a quick and efficient manner.The
situation I happen to find myself in must only affect my work’s
quality in the most positive manner.What I am trying to say here is
that going forward,I will never target mediocrity.I consider that to
be a cardinal sin.

There are moments when I feel like this world is just information and
the only thing anyone is supposed to do is to come in direct contact
with it,infer it in every way possible,see how it can be used and how
it can benefit me and apply that information to get ahead of 99% of
people and repeat the aforementioned process consistently.I need to be
quick and efficient as like everyone around me I am bound by
time.However,I don’t think I will be satisfied even then.I also think
that is probably for the better.It could also be for the worse.I
really don’t know.I guess I can figure out that for myself as I go on
with my life.Or maybe I should figure it out right here and now.I want
to be many things at once.I want to be good at chess,I want to learn
how to write good stories,prepare for my civil service exams,I want to
make an income,I want to learn the inside out of business.In
conclusion,I want to learn everything there is to learn and be the
best at it.Going back to the points I made about my addiction,I would
like to say that it could be for the better if I could use this
addiction in a way to stay productive.I need to find out if an
approach like that could work out.Another thing I am in desperate need
of is what one can call a Swiss army knife approach to my work
ethic.Kill 2 or more birds with 1 stone,so to speak.I would like to
know what the difference between “trying to do something” and
“actually doing something” means. If only I could find time for all
this.I wish I did.God.I wish I did.

I have wondered for so long as to why I have never been able to move
past my addiction and why I have always thrown my potential away.I
think I finally know why that’s the case.It’s as a result of the way I
raised myself.Let’s take a look at this step-by-step in order to
figure out what induced this looming sense of mediocrity on me.I
really want to return to a time when I didn’t give a damn about how
well I performed at school or what grades I got.I was content with
simply existing.I can remember vividly that even then my addiction to
inaction remained.I lost on many opportunities even then.I lost on
opportunity to learn how to play a piano and lost on many
opportunities to take significant interests in any types of
sports.This is a flaw I regret having to this very day.I think the
cracks really started to show when I was in 3rd grade.But to understand
what happened then,we need to see what happened in the grades leading
up to that.From Kindergarten to 1st grade things weren’t so bad.What I
mean by this is that my day-to-day life was quite simple.It went
something like this:

1) Wake up when I was told to. 10) Got to bed.

2) Brush my teeth.
3) Take a bath.
4) Eat breakfast.
5) Get ready for school.
6) Attend my classes.
7) Get home.
8) Do my homework.
9) Eat dinner.

I did what I could with what I had.I didn’t think of myself as high
and mighty in those 3 years.There was always someone or something
reminding me of what I was doing wrong and how I was falling short.At
the time,I found the criticism and feedback to be largely
constructive.I didn’t really have a lot of friends back then and I was
a frequent victim of bullying.However,that’s not the point.I didn’t
care for it then.I certainly don’t care about it all that much even
now.All it ever served was a minor inconvenience.The only missed
opportunities I had was failing to capitalize on the chance of
learning a new language.I can’t think of much else.I truly feel like
the trouble began when I transferred schools and entered 2nd grade.I
guess you can say that I found an audience.There were students and
teachers who admired me.The sensation I felt was euphoric to say the
least.It gave me a sense of self-worth my life had been lacking up
until that point in time.I leaned into that.It felt good for a while.I
even performed relatively well in sports.It felt like that life would
last forever.I thought studies are all that ever mattered.The thing is
during these times the school I studied in were constantly testing my
cognitive abilities by conducting tests on a regular basis on a
frequent basis.Over the years,this constructed an unquenchable thirst
to see those red numerals on my paper in order to feel validated.The
surrounding environment didn’t make it any easy either.Literally
everyone I spoke to asked the rank I held in classes and judged me on
them and them alone.I didn’t realize that I was left with no choice.I
worked hard to get good at what I was dpoing.As the years went by,I
didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.This reached it’s boiling
point

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