1

THE
CONFIDENCE
CODE
Practical Steps For Building Self Esteem And
Good Communication Skills That Commands
Attention

2
 COPYRIGHT

Copyright © 2024 Salami Esther Onize.

All Right Reserved.

This book including all it's content is

protected under the copyright laws of Nigeria.
Unauthorized copying, distribution, or
alteration of this book is strictly prohibited
and may result in legal action.

Permission to use or reproduce this book for

educational or personal use may be granted by
the copyright owner.

Request for such permission should be

addressed to Salami Onize Esther
@[email protected]

3
 DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all the victims of

low self esteem and survivors.

My thoughts are with you all and I sincerely

pray that you come out of it to embrace and
appreciate your true self and of course see that
you are more than what you think.

4
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
My gratitude will not be complete if I don't
thank some personalities that has made the
journey of writing worthwhile.

I will briefly start by appreciating Mr Yakubu

Michael Felix, who has deemed it fit to listen
to me and guide me through this intentional
feat.

I will love to include my sweet sister

Francisca Salami she has always encouraged
me, never gotten tired of me and has been my
greatest cheerleader.

I would love to appreciate my mentor Miss

James Faith Lami for being an object of
change to me.

5
Miss Joy Faith Reuben thanks for being a
source of inspiration to me, your actions has
always been a source of inspiration, your
actions have always told me that I can do
better.

I cannot end my acknowledgement if I don't

appreciate Mr John Bosco a man that has
proven that humanity is possible even
virtually.
Words can't express my impressions of you.

My Family, the Salami family, thank you for

birthing me, thank you for support and love
through this journey.
Finally to my friend that became sister,
Oluwadamilola Ibitayo, I love you.
My well wishers thank you all.
I'm so grateful for your love
6
 CONTENTS

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
A note from the publisher

PART 1
Significant Behaviors That Suggest Low Self
Esteem

PART 2
A brief Story of my Experience with Low Self
Esteem

PART 3
7
 Overcoming Fear

PART 4
Practical Steps to Improve Self into
Confidence

PART 5
Breaking The Ice; How To Start a
Conversation
PART 6
Taking The Initiative: moving from passive to
active communication

PART 7
Communication that Attracts Attention

A last word
About the Author

8
But if any one of you lack wisdom, you
should pray to God, who give it to you;
because God gives generously and
graciously to all. (James 1:5)

9
 A Note From The Publisher…
The desire to write this book came from my
experience with low self esteem which birthed
my passion for self acceptance.

Having suffered low self esteem on different

occasions ignorantly at various stage of my
life and survived, I decided to write my
experience through those stages, my
understanding, thought process and certain
tools that helped me overcome those phase.
People with low self esteem finds it difficult
to communicate verbally with that notion in
mind I included basic communication hacks
that can improve ones speaking skills to
attract attention.
I sincerely hope that you read this with an
open heart and a decision to become one with
yourself.
10
I want you to bear in mind that self acceptance
is a gradual process, it needs conscious
implementations of the tools that I'll share
with you in this book.
I hope to see a perfect 'Self' from you sooner
than later.

I love you.

—Salami Onize Esther.

11
 Significant Behaviors That Suggest Low
Self Esteem.

There are certain habits we portray unknown

to us that signals 'low self '.

I will be highlighting them in this chapter, but

before I do, I will give answer to some
confusion you will encounter in the study of
this chapter.

If the habits that will be listed below are signs

of a low self does it mean that every human
suffers low self esteem?

This is my answer to you, everyone lacks self

confidence occasionally but people with low
self esteem are always unhappy and

12
unsatisfied with themselves, they feel they are
not enough all the time.

Also, feelings and affection is another

encounter that may alter an individual's
confidence but like we said earlier it's
temporary, it shouldn't be a regular feeling or
else you fall into the low self category.

I'm sure that before now we are familiar with

certain signs of low self which are, feeling
nervous or intimidated in social situations,
avoiding eye contacts, and being self critical.
What about signs that are insignificant but are
major pointers of low self esteem?

Let's check this out…

13
Some signs like constantly checking your
phone for notifications, picking at your nails
and skin, making nervous jokes when you are
uncomfortable, avoiding new experiences that
can be challenging, over explaining choices
made, struggling to make decisions and take
actions, signals low self esteem.

Weird and surprising isn't?

My major experience was mistaking low self

esteem for humility.
And approximately eighty percent victims go
through this base on my observation.

These signs indicate low self but when you

lack the awareness you can suffer low self
unknown to you.

14
Another thing you should know is that low
self esteem doesn't just happens to someone.

Not at all!

An individual suffering low self esteem

encountered something that disrupts the
normalcy of the mind.

What I mean in clear terms is that low self

esteem is always triggered by something,
someone or an event.

The most common trigger using Africa as a

case study is the family pattern of discipline.

This pattern which includes hurtful words in a

bid to instill fear and induce cooperation

15
became a trigger for low self esteem by
affecting the child's psychology.

This depresses the person's psychology,

reduces his awareness of his state then he
begins to wish he was someone else or he was
just a different body depending on the cause
of low self.

16
 A Brief Story of my Experience with Low
Self Esteem

Just as i said earlier in my note to you.

I experienced low self esteem ignorantly at
different stages of my life.
As much as I can remember it started when I
entered junior secondary school.
It started with people's comparism, comparing
me with my pairs, the most beautiful, the most
brilliant and all that…
Even though I wasn't the only one being
compared with, I began to allow these words
sink into my subconscious mind until they
became my reality.
Then it went to people comparing our
physique and since I was a late bloomer
certain statements made for jokes got to me on
different occasions and they kept on piling up.
17
Still, to be honest at that stage I wasn't aware
of the word low self esteem, I started noticing
my gradual acceptance to whatever was said
about me, I started withdrawing from the
things I could do very well to accepting
people's opinion about that thing.

At some point I started loosing confidence

even at the things I could do so well and never
wanted to try new things because I was scared
that I would get laughed at.

One event that contributed and I can

remember so clearly was the day we were
supposed to do a practical on home
economics, I was asked to light the stove and
as soon as I got there I started fidgeting, my
feet and hands became cold.

18
I couldn't light the stove properly and out of
frustration my teacher scolded me with words
in the presence of my mates and juniors.

That would naturally be insignificant to others

but because of some previous encounters, it
got to me.
When I entered senior secondary school, we
were asked to write a composition and end it
with ' …Had I known, I would not have gone
out with him'.
I wrote that composition with a latern because
there was no power supply to our area and out
of my passion for writing, I made sure I wrote
it.
I didn't want to give excuses, besides it was
the easiest thing to do for me at that time.

19
The next day, in class I showed my friends out
of excitement and the next thing they said to
me was unbelievable!
They told me bluntly that it was a copied
work.

Sigh!
I was so hurt, being a very fragile girl no one
wanted to believe me, I saw myself trying to
explain just to prove that I wrote it.
I went as far as asking my junior sisters to
serve as my witness.

Crazy right?

That's something I won't think even think

about even for a second presently.
Don't blame me, then I was only a teenager
seeking validation and attention.
20
but it only complicated matters.

I submitted and my teacher asked if truly I

was the one that wrote it?

You could imagine how I felt that day, right?

The English teacher I like so much asked such

questions, even though it wasn't a bad
question, she asked to be sure.
But, I was already going through low self
esteem anything could get at me.
Even humours during group discussion was
read differently by me.

After that day I began to have mental records

of all those events play in my head especially
times I want to make decisions, I couldn't just
trust my opinion for myself.
21
I was always doubting, I would meet random
people and ask random questions before I
make decisions.

Yes, it was that bad.

This continued till i entered college and I had

an encounter that made me repeat stages of
my life, this was the trigger that it needed
(fear).

After that encounter, I started experiencing

fear, I would find it difficult to come outside,
always wanted to hide in the crowd, talk as if
someone was counting my words.
I would always be behind and when I'm asked
about something I know I will find myself
acting clueless.
22
I gave myself random funny excuses for not
doing certain things that I ought to have done
all in a bid to console myself.

I'm not telling this story without a cause,

naturally this is the last thing I will talk about.
Anyway, I'm telling you right now so that
you'll examine yourself and check if what I've
been saying is something you can relate with.
Probably, yours may not be as worse as mine.

However way it happens.

That means you are going through low self
esteem.
And you need to break out because the result
of everything will be you wishing to be what
you didn't dare to be, all will end in
restlessness and regrets.
23
 OVERCOMING FEAR

You see, the major problem of any one

suffering from low self esteem is ' fear'.

The Fear you experience comes from the

cause of low self esteem. (Triggering factor).

For example, you were mocked for a dress

you wore some time ago, you will naturally
not pick that dress the next time you are going
out. because, that event is registered in your
subconscious mind.

That is what we call Trigger!

The cause of fear, in this case is the mockery,
right?

24
Hence the attitude you will develop afterwards
is an interpretation of the fear you have as a
result of the mockery.

To overcome fear you should assess yourself

by going through what I call the four why's
and you should do well to give yourself a
honest answer so that you can achieve your
desired result.

The four 'WHY's are;

What am I afraid of?

Why am I afraid?
When did the fear start?
Who is this fear affecting?

To achieve efficiency you should jot down

your answers and go through them over and
25
Over again understand the connection with the
cause (event) and effect (person).

You should also give detailed information of

what you are experiencing, this will help to
produce a concise, measurable and concrete
interventions.

The purpose of this tool is for assessment and

adjustment.

For example, if my phobia is facing the crowd

to speak.
I'll answer the questions like this;

What am I afraid of?

I'm scared of looking at people's faces when
delivering my speech in church.

26
Why am I afraid?
I feel some people despises what I say from
their facial expression, I don't think I speak
well enough to attract people's attention.

When did the fear start? (The Trigger)

It started the moment bola told me that I

stammered over a few words during my first
speech delivery in church.

Who is this fear affecting?

The fear is affecting me; it's affecting my

passion for public speaking and it's gradually
killing me.

Now this is where the intervention begins,

27
You will start by weighing the cause of your
fear and the effect (outcome) it's having on
you.
Is the fear worth loosing my Passion for
public speaking?

No!

Then how do I stop the fear of public

speaking?

The next thing should be tackling the cause.

(Bola's words to me)

How do I do that?
I need a greater word to counteract what has
been said previously,

28
I could download words of affirmation and
listen to them on a daily basis.

I could read the word of God (bible) and

assure myself of his promises for me.
I could confront bola with a friendly gesture to
tell him that my stammering makes public
speaking perfect for me and I'll have to do that
as often as I speak.

With all this the goal of the WHY'S is

achieved.

Note that feeling of inadequacy cannot be

tackled by getting the need that causes the
inadequate feeling, this is because human
needs are insatiable. Instead, working on the
feelings of inadequacy should be the first
thing to do.
29
 …Meditation

This is another tool for overcoming fear,

remember we said earlier that fear comes from
the cause of low self esteem.

So another tool is to practice daily meditation,

I tell you this is actually underrated.

Daily meditation has a way of boosting self

esteem,
Your moments of silence and pondering on
previous scenes where you displayed low self
esteem and thinking of better ways to tackle
such situations in case it repeats itself,
Identifying the trigger during that period, and
constantly reminding yourself that you are
more will surely help you become better.

30
N.B once you've identified that triggering
factor, never avoid it.
I repeat never avoid it.

You cannot overcome fear by avoiding the

cause of fear, you have to confront it!

Confronting the situation is the only thing that

can help you overcome it and I tell you that
you won't overcome it all at once.
No!
It doesn't work that way, you will only notice
that you were better than before when you
confront the situation and you keep getting
better.

To overcome fear, here's all you have to do:

realize the fear is there and do the action you
fear anyway……Peter MC Williams.
31
Let me share with you a story,

There was a time that I was to present a topic

in my school, but during that period I was
already working on myself and I was getting
more confident by the day, but because
building a strong sense of self is a gradual
process I was still unsure of myself, at some
point I wanted to hands down and request that
someone else takes it up.

Yes I know, my fear was that bad, a small task

like presentation!

But this was how motivation helped me,

because I've structured myself around
motivational books, quotes, audios, and
constant study in God's word became a
reminder during that period of self doubt.
32
They all came in whispers like;
'you can do all things through Christ that
strengthens you'.

'i am more than I think of me, my capabilities

are beyond my imaginations of.

As far as my eyes can see, I can be…

And that was it, I gave a beautiful presentation

and I was impressed with myself.

All this was happening in my psychology with

no physical proof except my cold feet and
hands that signified that I was nervous.

What does this tells you?

33
It's possible to suffer from low self esteem
without a visible physical symptom, no one
will know.
Just you and your psychology

Mind Reframing.

This will be the last discussion for this

chapter.

Mind Reframing in it's simplest term means

mind reconstruction through replacement.

That is to say that you cannot overcome

negative thoughts that breeds fear if you don't
replace it with positive thoughts.

I believe that if I decide to stop here, I can do

that without doubt because that statement
34
summarizes everything I'll be writing in this
chapter.

Never the less, I have more to say.

Mind Reframing will be ineffective if it's not

practiced consistently, this is because negative
thoughts will keep crossing your mind.
And these are the things that breed fear.

As you keep having those thoughts that breed

fear you need to keep counteracting it with
positive thoughts.

One source for positive words that I will

always recommend to you any day and
anytime is the word of God.

The bible.
35
Permit me to use a scripture unapologetically.
…Romans 12:2 But be ye transformed by the
renewing of your mind…

When you constantly feed your mind with

positive words, you gradually renew it.

It might not be as simple as it's said but

constant practice will make it a habit and
that's just what you need to build a healthy
mind that can groom confidence.

Just imagine a child is trying to walk, do you

expect him to walk as soon as he drops a leg
on the floor?
Obviously, he would fall down sometimes,
become frustrated and even cry out of
disappointment.
But he will walk anyway!
36
So don't be in hurry to get better as soon as
you start so you don't mount pressure on
yourself.

Take it gradually and slowly appreciate every

little insignificant improvement.

That's actually how you get better!

37
 PRACTICAL STEPS TO IMPROVE
SELF INTO CONFIDENCE.

So next time you are struggling, instead of

berating yourself for your weakness, look for
whom God might have put into your life to
hold you up. It might not be the people you
imagined, but someone will offer you their
strength until you can hold yourself up
again…Rev Elizabeth Ingram Schindler

I think we've just begin the practical aspect of

this book.

If you've gotten to this point, it signifies that

you really want to build confidence and I'm
more than glad to be the person to show you
how to.

38
You should also understand that before you
can excel in this part and get your desired
result you must be ready to make every
strategy we will be talking about into habit.

Yes, I mean habit; something you constantly

practice daily consciously or subconsciously.

How do you do that?

See what James Clear said in Atomic Habits.

A habit is a behavior that has been repeated

enough times to become automatic, the
ultimate purpose of habits is to solve the
problems of life with as little energy and effort
as possible…. James Clear.

39
You will have to consciously do everything
you will learn in this book until it registers in
your subconscious mind.

I'm going to make this part more practical and

as short as possible to facilitate
implementation.

I need you to use your pen and jotter at this

point,
You will have to draft out something for
yourself as you keep studying this book.

Now this is how we will go, in this chapter we

will be talking about four steps as a basis for
developing self into confidence. In essence,
these are just basic practices to help boost the
'you'.

40
You may have to consult other books to help
solidify your foundation in confidence, or you
could reach out to me via my social media
handles that you will see at the later part of the
book.

41
 Resolution.

This is the foundation of building self

confidence, here in resolution it has to do with
realization and identification.

Realization in essence means coming to term

with the weakness, the source of the lack of
confidence.

You can only be successful in realization if

you are honest with yourself, as you track the
origin of low self.
If you read through chapter two I'm sure you
will understand this part better than anyone
else.

42
In the story I shared, one thing was not
automatic, which was tracking the origin of
low self esteem.

It took my time, I got headaches to get to

know the source and I did eventually.

I'm trying to say that in 'realization' you must

be patient to get hints.

And as you get hints, write them down on

your diary then begin to connect the dots.

Identification is another tool for resolution, it's

simply means identifying with things that that
gives a feeling of confidence, imaging and
writing them out.
Looking at those things you've seen people
engage themselves in and you admire so much
43
but you aren't willing to try or you want to try
but you are scared of trying them out, then
checking yourself and finding out why you
aren't willing to do.
Then if the reasons are valid enough you can
work on them to become better then take it up
later, but if it's invalid, you should do well to
rule out the excuses you are giving yourself to
become better than yesterday.

Work Book: Draw a circle at the center and

connect the circle with other circles using a
straight line, then the center circle should read
'five things confident people do '.
write down five things you think confident
people do and you aren't willing to try and
why you don't want to try.

Just as shown in the next page of this book

44
45
 Build Your Support System…

This is one attitude I've implemented that has

brought me to this point even to the point of
writing this book.
I get a lot of encouragements on a daily basis,
I tell them my fears and they reassure me.

The goal for the support system is to ' alley

fear '.
Seeing those that really want you to come out
of your shell can go a long way in bringing
you out of it.
Because, you wouldn't want to disappoint
them.

Your support system shouldn't include just

anybody.
no!!
46
For an effective support system, it has to be
filled with people that;

● Understands your challenges and struggle

with low self.

● Probably has experienced that same

challenge or has a concrete idea of what
you are going through.

● Is interested in supporting you.

If any of your friend or a personality

successfully tick this three boxes, then you
shouldn't go far.
Meet them, interact with them and as time
goes on share your burdens and let them hold
you accountable until you go through all your
plan.
47
I know you are asking how can I speak to the
people I want to build a support system with
when I'm scared of approaching them?

You are scared of being snubbed, and you

don't want to take the risk at all.

Remember I told you earlier that you can't

break out of a low self if you don't do
something, you really have no other option.

If you don't take the risk of approaching them,

who will?

Besides, the moment you were born,

everything became risky.

You just have to agree to be better.

48
You shouldn't start with the main conversation
especially if you are not familiar with the
person you want to build a support system
with, probably they might be your admirer,
you should start with creating familiarity and
implementing courteous behaviors that could
find you attractive.

Like greetings, kind gestures just a way of

familiarizing yourself with them.

Another thing I want you to understand is that

it is absolutely wrong to hide the way you feel
from those you've made to become your
support system.

No matter how difficult it is always tell them!

So that you don't end up going back to were
you thought you've left and it's more
49
dangerous because you will think you can
never be better.

This is because, low self esteem has a way of

making you feel like you are not enough.
It has this way of messing with your feelings
so much that you just want to isolate yourself,
it also has a way of reducing yourself worth
even in stages where you think you are better.

50
 ACHIEVABLE GOALS.

Building Self into confidence isn't an easy

thing to do, but I tell you, if you do, you'll be
glad you did.

This strategy is actually the interesting part of

building self esteem but like I said it's also a
test to check how determined you are to be
better.

It's as simple as picking one of the things you

think confident people do and you aren't
willing to do and trying to do them.

Lol, it's not simple right?

51
Well, having visions and goals will not
become your reality if you don't set up
systems to help you achieve them.

What am I saying?

You need to break down your goals into

smaller, measurable, realistic and achievable
forms.

When I say smaller, I mean breaking goals

down into bits until they look much easier and
better to work on, so that you don't get
overwhelmed in the process and not try at all.

When I say measurable I mean sharing goals

equally into daily, weekly and monthly
activities till they pile up to become that big
thing you want.
52
When I say realistic I mean your goals should
look achievable with the available resources at
your disposal.

So that you don't end up getting disappointed

at yourself when you are unable to meet up
with the standards you have set.

Actions that are repeated overtime gradually

becomes habit…

At this stage, I will refer you to read Atomic

Habits by James clear, you can reach out to
me via my WhatsApp link to get the audio
book. (You could get the link at the later part
of this book)

53
Let me give you a peep into my daily routine
and goals for the year since January till
March.

Firstly I wrote down my goals that I haven't

done at all and I'm willing to try but I don't
have the sufficient energy to do.
Just as I instructed you to do in your work
book in part 3.

Then I shared my goals into days, one goal for

every month.

My goal for the month of March was to write

a book, coupled with my studies, I also have
monthly goals of finishing a book per month
as prescribed by my mentor, spiritual,
educational or moral book, others which I'll

54
not like to mention as it doesn't relate to the
subject matter.
I had to complete these two major goals in a
month
Practically, I broke down my twenty four
hours per day, into;

7-8 hours for classes.

1 hour for my book study
3-4 hours for cooking and other
extracurricular activities
2-3 hours for study depending on the subject.
2 hours to post daily on WhatsApp, Facebook.
1-2 hour for virtual mentorship meetings as
scheduled (not every day)
2 hours for writing at least five pages on my
book till I publish…

55
N.b my daily to do list isn't rigid, I run a
flexible one because I'm sure to do at least
seventy percent of my plans before the day
ends. Although they were all in this format.

That is just an insight to what I do daily,

although some are scheduled, but it doesn't
beat the fact that without proper planning I
won't achieve the goal of writing my book and
reading a book per month without setting
them into achievable forms.
You really need to get 'Atomic Habits '. to
understand this part very well.

Sometimes setting goals might be really

draining and stressful this might make you
lazy, well I'm here to make things help you
after all.

56
Instead of writing a long list, make use of the
'simple 5' method.
How do I do these?

It means summarizing your goals into five

agendas for the day and arranging them in
order of priority while attaching other simple
or related task to the major goals.

As seen in the next page.

Work Book; write out specifically five major

goals you want to achieve in the next month
(if it isn't up to it's fine), pick them one by one
and break them into daily, weekly and
monthly goals by sharing your twenty four
hour per day and allocating specific time for
them.

57
58
 Challenge Your Self…

Amidst all the motivation, words of

affirmation, plans, support system, if you don't
start working on them, honestly won't build
confidence.

Confidence isn't built by wishes or faith,

Confidence is built by doing the things you
think, trying the things you think you can
never try and being what you've never
imagined.

This is the only way you can build confidence

overtime.

If you don't start by challenging yourself to

start those things you've written down, you

59
will be as good as someone that didn't care to
write down goals at all.

I know you feel you are still young, that's

right.
Nobody expects too much from you presently.

But the honest truth is that if you don't work

out the kind of life you want, there will be a
place for regrets when you get older.

See, the Confident people will always lead the

Talented ones….Francis Tokunbo Tokunbo.

Read that again!

Being filled with ideas and strategies mapped
out isn't enough.

60
You have to pick up the strength from the
inner you to make it happen.

You have to be willing, I remember when the

idea of writing this book came up, it wasn't
easy the way I portray it to be on my social
media handle.

It was a struggle between my fears, ability and

inner self.

Was I scared? Yes!

Did I cry out of frustration? Oh Yes I did!

How did I challenge myself to write with my
studies daily?

It was the will to do that kept me on track.

61
The will to never be the same, the will to try
something new and stretch myself was what
kept me going.

I married my inner strength, whenever i get

tired and frustrated I will take a break listen to
motivations, talk to people and pray then I get
back to work.

I know your major problem is the strength to

start and finish without being mocked and
laughed at.

My dear, I understand you but you have to

start anyway. It's those that start a thing that
has the thoughts of finishing. Right?

62
 Deadlines…

Setting deadlines is a main deal.

A goal isn't a goal if it is not measured by

time, there needs to be specificity…Esther
Onize Salami.

If there's no time frame for achieving your

goals then it automatically becomes a plan.

Setting deadlines will always keep you at your

toes.

When I started writing my book the very first

thing I did was writing down the deadline for
the book to be produced. And it actually kept
me on my toes.

63
Even when I was tired after classes, I would
have to write, because I need to meet up.

Setting deadlines makes you feel indebted and

you will surely try to fulfill righteousness.

Track Progresses Made.

This is actually the most not talked about and

it affects a lot of people especially those who
has a rigid daily routine.

When I was writing my book there were days

I wouldn't write at all and when I wake up at
such days I will say to myself 'Esther you
didn't write at least five pages for your book
yesterday, you should do better today'.

64
Then I'll have to find ways to balance up.

Tracking progress made may not be effective

if you don't adjust after every corrections
made especially if you run a flexible system.

Making sure you are doing the right thing at

the right time is also another way to track your
progress because it shows your level of
diligence to that thing.

Celebrate your Success.

I learnt this one quite late.

Sometimes we think that talking about our
very little wins is insignificant and might bore
people.

65
That's not true, honestly when you talk about
very little things that you do it does the
following to you;

● Refreshes you

● You document your progress

● Build self trust and believe in your

abilities
● You give people a positive self image of
you

You revamp the previous ideas they have

about you.

Before I began to celebrate my little wins, I

thought people will think I'm proud, I thought
my small wins will be insignificant, but
66
people became inspired by those little things I
say on a daily basis unknown to me.

Now this is where the practicality is,

Your small wins in this context are majorly
those actions you boldly took once in a while
in an attempt to fight low self esteem.

Work Book; write down those scenarios and

experience you had with low self esteem but
you were sure that you kicked it in the butt.

Write them down and embrace that same

confidence you displayed.

Keep imagining that instances, let it keep

playing into your head until it becomes a
reality.

67
Weldon! You are gradually discarding your
old self.

68
BREAKING THE ICE; HOW TO START
A
CONVERSATION

Difficulty in starting a conversation is one of

the symptoms of people suffering from low
self esteem.

The major aim of including this in this

chapter, Is to improve the psychology of those
finding it difficult to interact with friends and
strangers regardless of the gender involved.

Without communication in this era, self

expression will be totally impossible.

In this century, learning to express yourself in

the most captivating manner is a big deal.

69
I mean it's a necessity, you don't have to be
loud about it, you just have to go with the
flow by first accepting your person. Be
yourself, if you aren't a loud speaker you don't
have to be loud to show that you are confident
to impress.

Infact, you can speak calmly and exude so

much confidence that people would naturally
want to identify with your person same goes
for an outspoken person, you don't have to
suck up yourself to give the opposite image of
yourself.

You are enough!

Before I go to the main deal, here are things

you shouldn't do or think of doing when
starting a conversation;
70
● Never start a conversation with casual
words like how far, fine girl, my gee, bro
or sis. rather go with, hello, hey, excuse
me, pardon, can I have a moment with
you?, If you don't mind, permit me…or are
you in a hurry?... be as formal as possible
● Never rush words or flood questions let it
be one at a time
● Never speak too loudly or too softly
● Don't use slangs or jargon in the middle of
a conversation
● Don't make assumptions or jump into
conclusion
● Don't interrupt the other person during the
conversation
● Practice active listening more, be gentle
● Don't dominate the conversation (it's better
to do more of listening than speaking)

71
 ● Don't use body languages you don't mean (
winking, shaking hands for longer periods,
staring for too long)
● Don't bring up sensitive or controversial
issues right away
● Never make unnecessary or sensitive
jokes, jokes are meant to lighten the mood
if it's too much then you end up looking
unserious
● Never give the impression that you are in a
hurry it reduces the effectiveness of the
communication

In starting a conversation, the goal is to create

a good impression that will yield results
(reasons for holding the conversation).

72
If you are not experiencing low self esteem
but you lack self confidence in a while this
tips will also help you.

Sometimes starting a conversation can make

you so tensed and overwhelmed that you will
barely say a word or few to the person you are
communicating with.

I will start by saying being tensed sometimes

is a normal phenomenal but what is not
normal is allowing it to overwhelm to the
point that you can't express yourself.

Having studied this aspect of human I came to

find out that we become tensed when we lack
words to say in moments that we should is
because we feel that we are not enough and

73
we may get negative response at the end of the
conversation.
Well, I won't dispute the fact that those
feelings may be correct, but everything
shouldn't end the way we expected, right?
If our expectation solves our problems, you
wouldn't be reading this book right now.

When you lack words to speak when holding a

conversation there are two strategies you can
try out that may be of help.

They are;

● Flow with the existing atmosphere for

conversation

● Initiate a new atmosphere

74
Flowing with the existing atmosphere seems
like an easy strategy to employ, but it may be
very difficult to sustain it, especially if your
intentions for the conversation are not the
same with the existing atmosphere.
You may end up not speaking your intentions.
Also, existing atmosphere will not sustain,
you may end up initiating another atmosphere
or the conversation may die down.

For example, if I'm interacting with a person I

happen to meet for the first time in a
convention tagged 'enlightening girl child'.
Our conversation will naturally be centered
on the happenings of the event.
Then in subsequent meetings, we will have to
start up another atmosphere for conversing.
Which will be entirely different from the first
meetings?
75
Like I said earlier, it may not last long
especially if the topic discussed is one way.

In this case you have to be sensitive enough to

detect the mood of the discussion earlier
before the conversation dies down, so that you
could initiate a better atmosphere.

Since the summary of every communication is

centered on networking.
It's important to indicate such interest either in
the middle of or towards the end of the
conversation to get a means of reaching out.

Initiating a new conversation may be the most

difficult thing to do, here are some tips you
could check out that could help you initiate a
conversation.

76
 ● Starting a conversation with complement
is one way to not only get your
communicate attracted but also keep them
willing to converse with you. (I do these
like every single time I meet a new person,
it never fails.). Your compliment should
exude innocence as much as possible,
never use complements like you look hot,
you look smart (may be offensive for the
first time) you are sexy, your attractive to
me, I like you the moment I perceived
your perf…instead, you should start with
words like, how can your perfume be this
good?, You smell nice, what's the name of
this perfume? Which brand?

It smells really good, it's your dresses for me?

What brand is this again?

77
● Complements should not be too complex,
should be brief and straight forward as
much as possible.

● Compliments should perform it's major

function, lighten up the mood and cause
laughter.

● You could initiate conversations from the

things that you find with them, for
example, is that your presentation for the
girl child project in your hands? Wow I'm
already excited, I know you'll do a good
job.

● The already initiated conversation can be

complemented with asking questions of
difficulty with things you aren't clear with.

78
 As we said earlier there is a goal for every
conversation, make sure that the
conversation you initiate takes that turn,
that is how communication can be
effective.

Work Book; write down the names of three

people you badly want to talk to network
along with the reasons included.
Then carefully map out the best approach to
be used in your conversation with them and
follow up with it

79
 TAKING THE INITIATIVE:
Moving From Passive To Active
Conversation
This chapter was considered to be part of this
book because it was observed that about 80%
of people with low self esteem lacks the
ability to engage in conversations that last
long, this has resulted to feelings of
disappointment in themselves, and has further
aggravated the negative feeling of neglect (
they think) people have towards them.

The kind of communication we have with

people with the aim of getting basic
information from them is known as passive
conversation

It involves information like their name,

address, occupation and other information that

80
one feels are important, passive
communication occurs during the first time of
a meeting and could continue for a number of
days but not weeks.

This is because, communications that continue

after a few days are being fueled by the
curiosity of the people involved.
Once they find something fascinating about
themselves, they continue conversing and are
more interested in networking.

They begin to explore and in this stage it is no

longer passive but an active conversation.

Communication can be discouraging when

you've exhausted everything you want to say
the moment you barely started.

81
Even though I agree that fluency in speaking
comes naturally easy to some people but it
doesn't always happen that way.
Just like I said earlier people with low self
esteem find it difficult to hold lasting
discussion and 60% of times they engaged in
one ended passively.

Conversation can end passively if;

● There is no goal intended for the

conversation

● If you Lack the ability to spice up the

conversation.

Here are some tips that could go a long way in

helping you stay in a conversation that can
transcend into active conversation with time.
82
Be you.

Start with accepting your personality and go

with the flow in the most natural way, do not
be in a hurry to start an active conversation,
do not try to control your conversations let it
flow naturally.

During passive conversation I've observed

some level of 'fear of silence'. the most
common sign is that you've exhausted all you
have to say when you've barely said anything.
It May be as a result of nervousness or when
you feel overwhelmed or overexcited which is
very common with introverts.

If you have nothing to say then let the silence

happen. You shouldn't be bothered about the
sudden silence, let it flow.
83
Instead of getting worried, why not enjoy and
savour the moment till there's something to
say.

You can spice the silent moments with facial

expression that shows how you feel
(depending on the kind and level of
conversation).
Although, silence can be avoided by not
asking questions that require a simple yes or
no, everybody is not a talker asking a yes or
no question may make it difficult for the
person you are communicating with to talk
more, no one wants to be addressed as a
talker, right?

Instead, you could ask double related

questions at a time, this will encourage more

84
talking which will facilitate more questions till
the conversation becomes interesting.

Spice.

In passive conversation you can encourage

the person you are speaking with to speak
more by making use of facial expression that
signifies that you are paying attention to what
is been said.

Expressions like giving good and relatable eye

contact, raising of the brows, gently nodding
of your head.

This naturally tells the person you are

communicating with that you are listening.

85
 Active Conversation…

I believe there's nothing much to do here once

passive conversation was done the right way.

In this stage there are two things that works

the trick;

● Asking open minded questions

● Active listening

Open minded questions that are wide in scope,

questions that can keep one in conversations
for longer periods.

This is the rule of familiarity, the more you

find someone interesting the more you want to
be involved in conversing with the person.
86
In active listening, you are not listening to
hear what the person has to say, no!

You are listening to pick important questions

for later questioning in a bid to keep the
conversations burning.

I do not consider personality traits as a barrier

in conversations because I feel that everyone
is attractive in their own style and way if only
they accept their person's (I've talked about
this before).

Even though personality has a way of

influencing an individual's rate of association,
I still believe one can do better by trying and
with time you don't see yourself being held
back by personality traits.

87
So if you are saying, I can't do all the things
she talked about here, I could barely say a
word fluently with my pairs, talk more of
this…

Well I told you earlier, it's a decision you have

to make, go in to it with all your might,
nothing comes easy, not even life.

All I'm saying is that with all I've told you, if

you don't practice regularly and in bits, you
will go nowhere with gaining confidence.

Confidence is not built by reading and

studying all the books, confidence is built by
exposure, practice and experience.

The art of consistently doing a thing, yields

results…. Esther Onize Salami.
88
Work Book; go through your friend list, pick a
person you've always wanted to talk to and
network with.

Start the process of passive and active

conversation make a list of the hacks you've
learnt from this chapter, begin to tick them as
you communicate with the person, once you
are done ticking, write out your results at the
end of every conversation to see if you are
progressing.

As seen in the next page.

89
90
COMMUNICATION THAT ATTRACTS
ATTENTION.

In the previous chapter we talked about

moving from passive to active conversations.
Please, do not feel that they are the same,
actively read and pay attention to this, it will
help you.

Shall we?

In this part our major goal is how to

effectively start conversation that commands
attention in our every day dealings with fellow
humans.
This part is not only limited to periods where
you are asked to deliver speeches, give
presentations, say some captivating toast to a
friend, and all of them.
91
No please!

Thank heavens you are reading this, you

should be looking up to a genuine
improvement and gradual changes in your
speech to attract the attention you desire.

And if you aren't aware of the importance of

gaining attention I would take the pains of
highlighting them for you here and right now.

● Attention can get you your dream job

● It could get you a husband and a wife,

● It can give you fame and audience

● Attention has a way of building people's

love and trust for you.

92
The difference between you and the most
admired celebrity in Your environ is not his
British accent or speaking stamina, but the
subtle art of drawing the audience attention,
that is why you can speak well and fluently
and still not gain their attention.

The first thing we will be looking at is the

things you do wrong during conversation and
I will also be doing the good of including the
elements of a conversation side by side, as we
discuss in this chapter.
There are a lot of things that may go wrong
from the start, I mean from your appearance
your posture to all round coordination,
ranging from your accent, phonation with
words, commands in language and choosing
the appropriate word.

93
Let's take it this way, I'm not going to buttress
the need for dressing properly and
appropriately in this era.

It's no longer a news that we are addressed the

way we are dressed, dressing up properly will
also be wrong if you don't dress appropriately.

In essence, dress for the occasion and not to

look good, you shouldn't be wearing a
birthday gown for a meeting as important as
an interview.

In your dressing smell nice, i shouldn't

overemphasize the need for a calm and mild
body spray or perfume as the case may be,
your dressing and all other adjuncts included
is going to give what I call 'the first hand
impression ' and you wouldn't want to confuse
94
your audience about the impression they now
have towards you.

The second element you may not be doing

well with is what I call 'Aura'.

95
 Aura…

The Aura includes; your posture, carriage,

gesture, and courtesy, never forget that what
you are trying to create in the mindset of your
audience is a positive aura, your posture
explains how you stand, the way you walk
during communication.

Posture gives a lot of impression to your

audience, it gives them clue to your
personality, if you are easy going, strict, nice,
calm and what have you.

Have you ever noticed the way an extrovert

walks? Probably you know one in your
environment check them out to see what I'm
talking about here.

96
Your carriage and gesture is a major
contributing factor to the kind of aura you
create, you should know when and how to
smile, when to use words and even the magic
words too (sorry, pardon, thank you), your
carriage is not only limited to the above, it
includes the confidence, charisma you exudes,
your body movement and stamina as you dish
out speeches.

Your Aura is what you should firstly

introduce during your speech, it's what you
should sustain during your conversation and
it's importantly what you should end with the
moment you are done with the conversation.

In essence, your Aura should live in you, it

should be that little breathing thing just like
you
97
 Emotional intelligence

This is another element that is important to get

when communicating, emotional intelligence
is not limited to your intellectual capacity
although it's a contributing factor, instead it's
the reaction and presentation in response to
stimuli.

Stimuli can be offensive, peaceful, or

heartwarming.

For example, a person made some negative

remarks about your dress or costume, your
reaction to this negative stimulus is what
emotional intelligence comprises of.
It involves your cognitive and the ability to
control the rush of emotions to fit social
standards.
98
It also emphasizes on the ability to understand
an individual personality base on his actions
and behavior.

It's really worrisome to say that about 50%

individual lacks this element of emotional
intelligence in this generation base on
environmental observations.

Without emotional intelligence you will not

respond to negative remarks in the most
positive and peaceful manner,

Emotional Intelligence is a wide scope and my

short note here may not do us the good to
elucidate the topic.

Emotional intelligence covers all aspect of an

individual life hence it's required of daily, be
99
it the occupation, marriage, dealing with
clients, discussing with friends all requires the
above.

Emotional intelligence is directly connected to

our emotions and reactions it is an important
element in both active and passive
communication.

It's the ability to understand and manage your

own emotions, as well as the emotions of
others.

It includes skills like empathy, active

listening, and the ability to manage stress. All
of these skills are important for effective
communication, whether you're actively
engaging in conversation or listening
passively. When you're actively
100
communicating, emotional intelligence helps
you express yourself clearly and to understand
the other person's perspective.

In passive communication, emotional

intelligence helps you stay calm and open
minded, even when conversation seemingly
becomes toxic.

With Emotional intelligence you can

beautifully end conversations that are
unsatisfactory and detrimental without causing
a fight.

With Emotional intelligence sarcasm can be

used in a way that it will look harmless to the
person you are speaking with even if it is
sometime.

101
This are the hacks that will help you improve
on emotional intelligence if you know you
lack it.

Understand your personality traits…

In gaining emotional intelligence you must

first identify which of the traits you belong to
among the ones that I'll be listing here, they
include:
● Introvert
● Extrovert
● Ambivert

And in case you still can't identify your

personality traits, I'll give you a breakdown of
the three briefly and how they contribute to
your Emotional intelligence.

102
- Introverts may be more reflective and self-
aware, which can lead to a high level of
emotional intelligence. However, their need
for alone time may make it more difficult to
develop emotional intelligence in group
settings.

- Extroverts may be more profound at reading

the emotions of others, which can be an
important part of emotional intelligence.
However, their focus on social interaction
may make it more difficult for them to
understand their own emotions.

- Ambiverts are more advantaged in terms of

emotional intelligence, as they can draw on
both strengths.

103
So, in terms of emotional intelligence,
introverts may be more adept at:

- Self-awareness
- Self-management
- Intuition

While extroverts may be more adept at:

- Social awareness
- Relationship management
- Empathy

Ambiverts may be rounded in all areas of

emotional intelligence.
Well, remember that these are just
generalizations, and each individual is unique
in their own self.

104
Identifying those you are communicating
with…

In gaining emotional intelligence

understanding yourself is a plus to the game,
but understanding the people you are
communicating with their nature, personality
and response to stimuli will go along way in
navigating your way through them to gain
their attention by firstly winning their heart.

For example, when dealing with choleric

personalities you should understand that they
are naturally serious, associating with this
kind of people for the first time will not be on
a light and relaxed mood, you must spike their
interest by starting with carrier related
discussions depending on a age group and
gender.
105
Identifying the personality of the person
you're communicating with can definitely help
to sharpen your emotional intelligence skills.

Knowing whether someone is an introvert,

extrovert, or ambivert can give you clues
about their communication style, their needs,
and their comfort level. This information can
help you to tailor your approach to better meet
their needs and build a stronger connection.

Let's use the example of an introvert. If you're

talking to an introvert, you might notice that
they:
▪ May be less expressive with their body
language

▪ May find it difficult to respond or think

before answering a question
106
 ▪ May prefer one-on-one conversations over
group settings

▪ May prefer to communicate via writing

rather than talking

▪ May prefer to spend time alone rather than

with others

Knowing these things can help you to be more

sensitive to their needs and communicate
more effectively.

With this you will be able to promote and

sustain comfort that will spike their interest
and subsequently give you Attention.

Note that they may be other elements to

communication that grabs attention but this
107
three elements discussed in this chapter are
the foundations for a successful
communication process with result of
attention.

This is where we officially draw the curtains,

I'm glad you went through this with me.
I'm sure you didn't just have a good read but
you experience the changes that were
promised before the study of this book.

I can't wait for your e-mails of testimonials on

your journey in gaining self confidence.

Thank you for being here with me all this

while.
Check the next page for more information to
reach out to me.
I love you 💜.
108
 A LAST WORD

I would begin by acknowledging those that

took their time to really study this book, I'm
sure you gained value.

You can connect with me and get inspiring

tips to build yourself better via my facebook
profile click
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10
0067128747225

And if you do gain value kindly tell us about it

at https://wa.link/wrcri5, let us share in your
joy.

And if you would like to be part of the

confidence Code group where we would hold
conversations, take one another by the hand
109
and walk this part till we discern what the
future holds send GROUP to
https://wa.link/wrcri5 to gain access.

I would love to get your work book for each

chapter as you study each chapter, you can
make use of word document, pictures or any
creative platform you prefer.

Send your submissions to

[email protected] including your
name, phone number and location.

let's track your progress together!

110
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR.

Esther Onize Salami, hails from Kogi State,

Nigeria. popularly known with the word' may
we valuecced in 2024'.

111
She's a certified writer with over two years
experience in the writing industry.

She's not just a writer, she's an author, speaker

and teacher of God's word.
As a writer, she finds purpose in helping
people build self esteem, gain confidence by
being valuable. She summarizes herself to be
your personal growth pioneer.
She's a purpose driven young lady moved with
the passion to help humanity discover their
essence and purpose of existence by becoming
valuable through growth until they bare good
fruits.

She is a Christian and will never fail to talk

about it where ever she goes because she
believes it's her identity.
112
She's born from the family of Mr and Mrs
Matthew.
She's the second daughter of the family.
She's currently a student at Kogi State College
of Nursing and Midwifery Obangede.

'The Confidence Code' is her first published

book.

113