C-PTSD

WORKBOOK
DR. NICOLE LEPERA

@the.holistic.psychologist
@theholisticpsychologist
@the.holistic.psychologist
@theholisticpsyc
@TheHolisticPsychologist
 This workbook is going to help you understand
yourself and the people around you on a much
deeper level. Whether you've had feelings of
not being “good enough” or a pattern of
relationships where you feel lost or betrayed,
you’re not alone.

Please know there is no step-by-step or easy

checklist that heals complex trauma. There are also
no quick fixes. This workbook will act as a guide on
your own healing journey.

This workbook is not to be used to diagnose or treat

any specific condition. Please seek therapy or support if
needed. (See resources on page 50.)

Now, give yourself a big pat on the back for

having the courage and desire to grow and expand.
Let’s begin...

Note:
This C-PTSD Workbook was created by
Dr. Nicole LePera and has no copyright.
You are free to print copies, share, or use however
you choose, without permission.
May it be of
collective benefit.
 What Is C-PTSD?
C-PTSD or (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
is a natural response to childhood experiences that involved:
chronic anxiety, neglect, or danger within
our closest relationships.

Most people have heard of PTSD, which usually

involves experiencing a single incident of trauma
(for example: going to war, experiencing assault,
or witnessing a violent crime).

C-PTSD Differs in That:

The experiences of hurt and overwhelm were inescapable and

ongoing.

The experiences of hurt and overwhelm took place in a

relationship with a key attachment figure you trusted.

No secure (safe) adult helped you process these experiences.

This creates a feeling and internalized belief that

you are not good enough, broken in some way, and
unsafe within the world.
 How C-PTSD Impacts
Our Sense of Self:
1. You constantly feel overwhelmed.
As children, we learn how to understand and regulate our emotions
from adults who model this for us. If we didn’t learn this, we can feel
consistently out of control. We might spiral when we make small
mistakes or wonder why everyone around us seems to have healthy
relationships when we do not.

2. You dissociate often.

When you’re a child experiencing constant stress or overwhelm, you
naturally disconnect to cope. It’s too painful to be in the present
moment. In childhood, this might look like daydreaming, spending
a lot of time alone, having an imaginary friend, or fantasizing about
living with another family. This pattern continues in adulthood where
we struggle with procrastination, being present in relationships,
and using escapism to cope.

3. You have “mood swings”.

Mood swings are actually a symptom of chronic dysregulation.
When our nervous system is constantly in a state of fight or flight,
our moods can change drastically throughout the day. Because we
cannot regulate our own emotions, we tend to look to other people
to regulate them for us. This puts us on an emotional roller coaster,
where how we feel is based on how other people feel.

4. You have little or no childhood memories.

Of course
3. You these
have “moodmemories
swings”:still exist in the body, but when you think
about your childhood, you can’t recall much. Constant stress floods
our brain with cortisol impacting the part of our brain responsible for
memory. Often, people with C-PTSD will say, “I can’t remember
anything major that happened,” but day-to-day life was filled with
chaos, inconsistency, or parent figures who were disconnected and
shut down.
5. You struggle with authority.
You struggle listening to or following rules or structure. In the past,
authority figures in your life might have been controlling, manipulative,
or shaming. This creates a pattern of rebellious behavior that often
impacts our ability to be consistent or to take direction.

6. You feel like you don’t belong anywhere.

Our core need as children is to feel that we belong. We need to know
we are valued for who we are, not what we can do for other people. If
we didn’t get this, we have an overwhelming sense that we don’t
belong or that the world is unsafe, and we cannot find our place in it.

7. You have issues concentrating or following through.

Long ago, you started dissociating and going into a freeze state
when overwhelmed. This coping mechanism makes it difficult to
concentrate, which leads to a lot of procrastination. A lot of people
with C-PTSD describe themselves as feeling physically “stuck,”
unable to follow through with what they’ve planned.

8.
3.You
Youwear
havea“mood
mask.swings”:
Because you’ve never fully been able to form a sense of Self, you
mask your true thoughts and emotions. You almost feel as though
you’re performing and can’t really be your true Self. This can lead to
feeling anxious in social situations and over-thinking everything you
say or do.
 How C-PTSD Impacts
Our Relationships:

1. You have abandonment and/or trust issues.

Rather than feeling safe or nourished in relationships, you often feel
unsafe and skeptical. You might question if your friends actually want
to spend time with you or if your partner really loves you. You might
crave intimacy, and at the same time fear it or push it away. We often
end up sabotaging our relationships because at our core, we don’t
feel worthy of a loving relationship. (We’ll learn more about this soon.)
2. You are a people pleaser.
Because we feel like a burden, we people please as an attempt to
keep our connections. We believe that asking for our own needs to
be met or asserting ourselves will only lead to rejection. This belief
creates situations where we betray ourselves or accept behaviors
that are unhealthy or dysfunctional.
3. You feel awkward or uncomfortable expressing yourself.
Talking about your emotions, asking for help, or being vulnerable is
overwhelming or even terrifying. This comes from consistently being
shamed, rejected, or isolated from love in childhood. Eventually, we
learned to shut down and to stop expecting a safe relationship with
anyone. Opening up feels dangerous because we’ve never been met
with loving acceptance.

4. You tend to be highly controlling or “Type A”.

Control is an attempt at safety. Our controlling nature can come out
in many ways, such as: criticizing how people do tasks, not letting
people help us when we need it, shutting down or giving people the
silent treatment, blaming others for our behavior, keeping score in
relationships, guilting people around you, and snooping or spying.
5. You lie or leave out important information.
Many of us were punished for telling the truth. We learned to lie or
avoid sharing everything so that we could stay safe. Lying can
actually become habitual, when we lie about meaningless or “little”
things and don’t actually know why. Most of us feel safer if we keep
our partner in the dark, which can deeply impact trust within our
relationships. Ultimately, lying is a shame-based behavior that we
learned as children.
6. You have anger issues.
Anger is typically a “go-to” emotional state for anyone with C-PTSD.
But underneath, anger is usually sadness and grief. We might not
even know it, but we’re grieving the loss of our childhoods, our sense
of safety, and our ability to feel good about who we are. These anger
issues can come out the most in our close relationships or in our
relationship with ourselves. For example, our mom might make a small
comment and a flash of rage goes through our body. Or, we might
make a simple mistake and feel strong anger towards ourselves. That
anger can bubble up and cause outbursts and reactivity that we later
regret and shame ourselves for.
7. You take most things personally.
We often believe that everything happening around us means
something about who we are, instead of understanding that
people’s behaviors are (mostly) a reflection of how they feel about
3. You haveEven
themselves. “mood swings”:
small incidents can send us into a shame spiral
where we question our worth.
8. You over-give.
Many of us have been caretakers our entire lives without having our
needs met. This creates situations where we give to people even when
they don't reciprocate or take advatnage of us in some way. You’ll
know you’re over-giving in relationships if you feel resentful.
 Understanding Your Past
To heal from trauma, we have to understand our past. Some of us have such
painful pasts that even thinking about it can be overwhelming. As you fill out
these answers, take breaks as needed. If uncomfortable emotions come up,
try to take deep breaths and remember that understanding what happened
to us allows us to resolve it.

Describe the (overall) relationship you had with your mother:

Describe the (overall) relationship you had with your father:

Besides parent figures, who else was involved in taking care of you and
what did those relationships look like?

What was the relationship like between your parents?

Was there rage, betrayal, or any violence that you witnessed?

When you were upset, how did your parent figures respond to you?
 Were you able to depend on your parent figures for affection,
understanding, and encouragement?

Did you live with a parent figure who coped in destructive ways?
(E.g., using substances, gambling, or stepping outside the marriage)

Did you feel as though you belonged and had parent figures who cared
about what you were feeling and going through, or did you end up
supporting them or cheering them up?

Were you directly (or indirectly) told to keep secrets or hide

the behavior of one parent figure from another?
(E.g., hiding a parent’s shopping habits or affair)
 Family Stories
Family stories are stories that are passed down from generation to
generation. They may include hardships family members experienced or
addictive coping habits, as well as moments of resilience or strength.
Reflect on the experiences of your ancestors, including the different ways
members coped and things they have overcome.

Family stories help us understand the overall patterns of family members

and shape the beliefs we have about ourselves and the world. By
understanding our family stories, we better understand generational
trauma as well as the resilience we carry.

Now that you’ve done some deep reflective work, take some time to look
over your answers. These experienced have shaped your thought patterns,
beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. Now that you can see them clearly
you’re going to start this work by writing a letter to your inner child...
 Write a Letter to Your Inner Child
Use this page to write a letter to your inner child. You’ll want to include
how you know what happened, how you understand people weren’t always
there, and how you’ll now be there for the younger version of yourself.

Dear little _________________________,

 Your Future Self
Your future Self is the version of you that’s coming from all of the work
you’re putting in. Every choice, decision, and action helps you become
your future Self.
And each day you get a new chance to integrate
your past and build a new future.
Use this page to write about your future Self.
Who do you want to be?
What emotional state will you embody?
Who will be in your life?
How will you spend your time?

Re-read this page any time you feel lost, overwhelmed, or unsure.
Your future Self depends on you, and this will keep you on track.
 You are not broken. You’ve
adapted to your environment.
Beginning at birth, our survival fully depends on our attachment figures (or
close caregivers). In order for us to develop a secure sense of Self, we need
secure attachment figures. Secure attachment figures “see” us through eye
contact, showing responsiveness to our emotions, and by consistently
soothing us so we can learn how to self regulate.

When our attachment figures have an insecure sense of self, they struggle to
“see” us and meet our emotional needs. They tend to be highly reactive
(becoming explosive, unpredictable) or easily shut down (becoming detached
or giving the silent treatment). Complex trauma develops when our developing
mind and body stays in fight-or-flight, and we become hypervigilant or
dissociated as a way to protect ourselves. (We’ll go more into hypervigilance
and dissociation later.)

Secure Sense of Self Insecure Sense of Self

(Healthy Environment) (Complex Trauma)
Parent Figure Parent Figure

I have I’m consistently

I’m highly I’m unable to
healthy attuned to
reactive. attune to
coping others.
others.
skills.

I have
I ‘m unable
dysfunctional
able to meet
coping skills.
my emotional
needs.

I can regulate I can meet

my emotions. my core
needs.

My behavior is My behavior is inconsistent.

predictable and (I have people walking on eggshells.)
consistent.
 Gemma’s Story
Gemma was raised in a home with a father
who could not regulate his emotions. He
could easily “fly off the handle,” even over
little things. Because he had chronic nervous
system dysregulation, he was moody and
irritable to be around. At a young age,
Gemma remembers staying up at night
feeling intense anxiety that something bad
might happen. This reflected her unsafe and
unstable environment from the unpredictable
nature of her father’s temper.
Gemma’s mother adapted by fawning or people-pleasing. She did
all she could do to avoid triggering one of her husband’s
outbursts. She kept the house spotless and consistently told her
children to “not upset your father.” When he yelled at Gemma, she
would dissociate, teaching Gemma that her father was
unpredictable and her mother was unable to comfort her.
Gemma adapted by becoming an intense
perfectionist. She internalized the belief
that she was a “burden” to explain why her
father treated her so poorly. To
compensate, she tried all she could to
accomplish and “prove” her worth. Though
she does well her in career, she silently
struggles with intense anxiety and shames
herself for minor mistakes.
In relationships, she’s often attracted to
men who are like her father. She feels most
comfortable in a role where she’s managing
men’s anger and trying to keep them
happy. Like her mother, she’s learned love
means betraying herself and her own
needs.
 Gemma’s Story
After reading Gemma’s story, take a few minutes to journal about your
own childhood.
Did you have similar experiences?
Can you identify with Gemma?
Let the words flow without judgement.

Note: Many people with C-PTSD have very little or no childhood memories.
If no memories are coming up, just write about what you feel in your body when reading Gemma’s story.
 Ella’s Story
Ella’s father was a workaholic, and her
mother was a stay-at-home mom. Ella’s
mother was raised by a deeply
disconnected mother, and she also
struggled to connect with Ella.
She gave little affection and felt
uncomfortable and frustrated at Ella’s
sensitive nature.
When Ella would upset her, she would give her the silent
treatment: sometimes ignoring her for a few hours, sometimes
for days. Then one day out of nowhere, she would speak to Ella
again as if nothing happened.

Ella adapted by having an intense

desire to please. Her fear of being
ignored by the person she loved and
needed the most drove her to fawn
and defer to what other people
needed or wanted.

In her marriage, she feels lonely and

isolated, but at least she is not being
completely ignored. So she stays.
Asserting herself or asking for her needs to be met might
upset her husband, and this would be a risk to her internal
sense of safety. She grows more and more resentful over
time, but she is too afraid to advocate for herself.
 Ella’s Story

After reading Ella’s story, take a few minutes to journal about your own
childhood.
Did you have similar experiences?

Can you identify with Ella?

Let the words flow without judgement.
Note: Many people with C-PTSD have very little or no childhood memories.
If no memories are coming up, just write about what you feel in your body when reading Ella’s story.
 Your Adaptations
Now that you have some examples of how other people have adapted to their
earliest environments, let’s explore yours.

What did you have to do in order to stay safe (and connected) to adults
as a child? Example: “I had to be easy and cause no problems,” “I had to
stay quiet,” “I had to fight or become highly reactive to be heard.”

How do you carry these adaptations into your adult friendships and
intimate relationships? Example: “I people please,” “I get very reactive in
conflict,” “I shut down and struggle to explain how I feel.”

How are these adaptations causing pain or suffering (or having the
opposite effect of what you desire)? Example: “I push people away,” “I’m
afraid or unable to be vulnerable,” “When people cry or talk about their
feelings I get flooded or feel overwhelmed.”
 Cultural Adaptations
Let’s continue to explore the different influences of your earliest relationships.
While complex trauma happens in childhood with our close attachment
figures, it’s important to understand that how people parent is greatly
influenced by their own upbringing, as well as cultural norms.
Dysfunctional cultural norms can condition us to believe we’re wrong or
broken just for being who we are. This is especially true for people from
marginalized communities, those who struggle with financial insecurity, and
those raised in shame-based or high control cultures (any group that uses
strict control, demands obedience, and expects extreme loyalty to members).

Here are some examples:

Sophia’s parents immigrated from Mexico when we she was just 5
years old. She feels so different from her peers and has to help her
parents navigate the culture and language as she gets older. She
adapts by dressing and speaking like her peers and refuses to bring
anyone to her home because of the internalized fear she has of
being “different.”

Devon grew up in a strict religious home. She’s told from a young age
that her worth comes from her “pureness.” As her body changes, she
feels shame and fear, and she adapts by developing a dysfunctional
relationship with food so that she is the one to have some control or
agency over her body.

Brian likes wearing dresses and doesn’t enjoy sports. His father is
worried he’s gay and will be made fun of in school. He starts to poke
fun at Brian’s interests and tells him to “man up.” Brian adapts by
suppressing his love of fashion and trying to be more like the other
boys at school.

Asia’s parents struggled financially. Exhausted and stressed, they

would often snap at Asia and tell her she needed to achieve
academically in order to get a scholarship so she didn’t struggle like
her parents. Asia adapted by becoming a perfectionist and
overachiever, feeling as though she needed to save her family from a
young age.
 Cultural Adaptations

Now that you’ve read more about cultural adaptations, take a minute
reflect on the different ways you may have adapted to your own cultural
influences.
 Hidden Trauma
Many people feel the impact of C-PTSD, but can’t understand why they feel
the way they do. After all, they didn’t experience physical or sexual abuse.
Their parents were present in the home, and they can’t remember any
catastrophic event.

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is actually quite common. Many parents

aren’t even aware that they’re neglecting their children’s emotional needs
because their own needs weren’t met in childhood. Without the skills to attune
to and connect with their children, these parents are often unaware that
they’re even lacking these skills and do not intentionally hurt their children.

Below are some signs you might have experienced CEN:

Childhood Emotional Neglect Checklist

____ I was typically brushed off or ____ I often did things or acted out
ignored when I went to a parent (negatively or positively) to get
figure feeling upset. attention.

____ I was regularly called “dramatic” ____ I have few (or no) memories of
or “sensitive” when I expressed my my parent figure(s) being warm or
emotions. affectionate, or expressing love
towards me.
____ I was left alone and without
comfort or explanation whenever ____ I hid a lot of how I felt and dealt
stressful events or conflict with my feelings alone.
occurred.
____ I was often described as “easy”
____ I spent a lot of my childhood or told that “no one worried about
comforting my parent(s) or giving me,” and a lot of focus went to
them encouragement, but I cannot others around me (often a sibling).
remember them doing the same for
me. ____ I was rarely asked questions or
had any interest taken to get to
____ I was regularly pushed beyond know my individuality.
my limits to perform or achieve.
 The Adult Impact of
Childhood Emotional Neglect
If you checked 3 or more signs of CEN, it’s likely you:

Feel empty or disconnected

Are highly anxious

Feel depressed

Have trust issues

Constantly fear abandonment

Struggle with perfectionism

Chronically blame or shame yourself

Feel everyone is mad or upset with you

Can’t ask for help

Connection is our natural state. Adults who’ve experienced CEN can have
many different symptoms from the lack of secure connection in childhood.

One of the most common and pervasive symptoms is a fragmented sense of

Self. On the next page, we’ll explore how we become fragmented and what
that looks like in our daily life.
 The Fragmented Self
As children, we can’t make sense of a parent figure that neglects, harms, or
mistreats us. We will do anything we can to keep this foundational
connection, regardless of how we’re treated or how safe we feel.

To stay connected, we suppress parts of ourselves that we feel won’t make

us lovable, and express parts of ourselves that we believe will get us love,
affection, and approval. This creates internal conflict, and the end result is
shame, anxiety, and hypervigilance.

Here’s the core symptoms of a fragmented adult:

Fragmented Adult

I only feel comfortable in

I’m hypervigilant.
relationships where I am
care giving or people-
pleasing.

I’m uncomfortabe in I have toxic shame

social situations. (feeling “unworthy”).

I’’m “zoned out”

most of the time (disassociated).
 The Real You

The western mental health system diagnoses

and pathologizes symptoms. So when we’re
physically or emotionally unwell,
the message is:
Something is wrong with you!
The “real” you is not your current
conditioned thoughts, responses,
and impulses. The real you isn’t broken
or unworthy. You’ve just come to believe
this based on lived experiences.

In many shamanic and non-western cultures, there is an

understanding that traumatic experiences impact our
spiritual selves. Our work isn’t to “fix” ourselves; it’s to bring
ourselves back to wholeness through integrating
all the parts of ourselves. The empowering re-frame is:

Something happened to you, and you can heal.

Holistic psychology understands

we are mind, body, and soul.
The greek root of the word
psychology is “psyche,” which
actually means soul. We’ll explore
our spiritual connection a bit
deeper later in this workbook.
First, we’ll keep exploring why
many of us are spiritually
disconnected.
 Emotional Flooding
Our amygdala is like our alarm system in our brain. When we have complex
trauma, we have many “false alarms” when we go into a reactive state. We
can become flooded with intense thoughts and overwhelming emotions, often
resulting in moments of high reactivity.

Things that can create emotional flooding:

A passive comment from a co-worker

Your partner being quiet or silent

Someone not responding to a phone call or text message

Feedback that is (or seems) critical

What might happen when you’re emotionally flooded:

You can’t speak without crying

You dissociate (or leave your body)

You yell, slam things, or say things you regret

Your thoughts spiral, and you can’t concentrate on any tasks

for the rest of the day
 Grounding
Grounding is a somatic practice that helps you return to your body
and center yourself after stressful experiences or thoughts.
Use this grounding practice to self regulate as needed. While
breathing more slowly and more deeply begin to:

Acknowledge 5 things
that you can see around you

Acknowledge 4 things
that you can touch around you

Acknowledge 3 things
that you can hear around you

Acknowledge 2 things
that you can smell around you

Acknowledge 1 thing
that you can taste around you
 The Importance of Sleep
Sleep is incredibly important in our journey of healing trauma. It’s during sleep
that our body repairs and rebuilds. But sleep also plays a massive role in our
ability to regulate our emotions. Next, we’re going build a sleep routine. You’ll
notice how much better you can deal with your emotions when you commit to
these practices.

Step 1: Create a Bedtime

Your bedtime should allow you to get 7-9 hours of sleep (whenever possible). A
bedtime is when you go into your bed (even if you’re not tired) to sleep. It may
take a few weeks for your body to adjust to your new sleep schedule.

My bedtime will be ________ p.m.

Step 2: Set an Alarm

Set an alarm to wake up at the same time every day. At the start, you might feel
tired, or even exhausted, but it’s important to get out of bed anyway. This will
help you fall asleep quicker at bedtime.

My wake time will be ________ a.m.

Step 3: “Sleep Proof” Your Room

You want your room to be as dark and cool as possible during this transition of
building a sleep routine. Our skin receptors view light as a sign to wake up, so a
sleep shade for your eyes or blackout curtains are very helpful here. Remove all
electronics. White or brown noise (easily found on Spotify or YouTube) can be
helpful here, too. Keep the temperature of the room as cool as you can;
research shows the ideal sleep temperature is 65-72 degrees.

Sleep Checklist:
My room is dark or I have sleep shades.
I have removed all electronics.
I use white or brown noise (if needed).
The temperature is cool (between 65-72 degrees).
I put myself into bed at night even if I’m not tired.
I wake up with my alarm even if I'm tired.
 Toxic Shame
Now that you’ve started to focus on sleep to help you better emotionally
regulate, lets’s address toxic shame. Toxic shame comes from unsafe,
disconnected, or unpredictable childhood attachments.

The end result of toxic shame is feelings of helplessness. We feel “stuck”

within our familiar patterns of thinking and behaving with no hope (hope
comes from having agency) of changing. Toxic shame stories sound like:
“I’m such an idiot,” “What’s wrong with me?,” or “My life is such an
emotional wreck.” This repeated narrative only keeps our mind and body
even more stuck in our habitual patterns.

Let’s uncover our toxic shame....

How often and when do you feel shameful, embarrassed, or hopeless

and depressed (like your life is not in your hands)?

When you feel this way, what do you typically do? (Example: soothe
myself with food, scroll on social media, shame myself, compare
myself to other people)

How do you feel about yourself after you go through this toxic shame
cycle? (Example: even worse, like I’m worthless, even more out of
control, angry at myself, angry at those around me)

Take a minute to read the above. This is all part of your toxic shame story.
Each of us carries these stories subconsciously, and they have major impacts
on how we view ourselves and those around us. Once we’re aware of our
toxic shame story, we become empowered to change our narrative.
 The Shame Spiral

An event triggers shame in body (E.g., a pit in

stomach, tension in jaw/shoulders, hunched
shoulders, or discomfort in own skin)

Feelings
of embarrassment, humiliation, or
unworthiness (like a “fraud” or “failure”)

Thoughts or worries that

others are
judging you

Seeking evidence to
confirm shameful
thoughts or beliefs

Body response:
shut down(freeze)
avoidance (flee)
attack (fight)

End result:
chronic anxiety, depression, addictive habits,
playing small, self doubt
 Breaking Through Toxic Shame
Agency is at the core of healing complex trauma.
Agency gives us control and autonomy over our own lives—something most
of us didn’t have in childhood.
List some things you’ll do the next time you notice the beginning of your
shame cycle. (Example: I will go for a walk around the block, put down
my phone, journal, call someone close to me for support, etc.)

Note: The more we practice agency, the more confident we become.

The work here is to continue to use positive coping skills until they come
naturally to us or a part of our daily lives.

I WILL ALSO SPEAK A NEW

STORY TO MYSELF.

Instead of “I’m an idiot,”

I WILL SAY
“I’m learning something new, and I’m proud of myself.”

Instead of “I never get anything done,”

I WILL SAY
“I got out of bed and did the dishes, and that’s good enough.”

Instead of “I should be doing better,”

I WILL SAY
“I’m doing the best I can.”

Instead of “My life is a mess,”

I WILL SAY
“I’m creating a life that makes sense for me.”
 Toxic Shame in Our Body
Complex trauma is stored in our body, in our cells, and our nervous system
responses. You now know how toxic shame impacts your thoughts, so let’s
learn how it impacts your body.

Shame is connected to the processes that occur in our limbic system (the
emotional center of our brain). When we experience a shameful experience,
our body reacts by sending signals to our nervous system that we are in
danger. Our nervous system then goes into: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
(We’ll cover these later.)

Shame makes us uncomfortable with being seen. Our body goes into a
collapsed state where our posture is hunched, our head is down, and we
avoid eye contact with those around us.

No eye contact
(don’t see me)

Lowered head

Slouched
Shallow or
(an evolutionary
constricted
response of
breathing (may be
shrinking or
holding breath)
collapsing to protect)
 Shame Release Exercise
This practice teaches us how to use our body to bring ourselves back to a
parasympathetic state, feeling safe enough to both connect with and release
the shame we’re carrying so we can begin to feel more embodied.
Practice this once a day for at least 30 days. It will only take about 3-5
minutes, and can quickly shift your emotional state.

Step 1:
Stand tall with your hands and legs spread about 2 feet apart. Stretch your arms as
long as you can while you stretch your spine as straight as you can.

Step 2:
Take 3 deep breaths from your belly making your exhale longer
than your inhale. Focus on how your body feels as it takes up space.

Step 3:
Lift your chin up towards the sky and move your eyes from
right to left and back (horizontal eye movement signals safety).

Step 4:
Say (out loud or to yourself)
“I AM SAFE AND I TRUST I CAN HANDLE WHATEVER COMES MY WAY.”

Step 5:
Take a minute to just notice how different you feel, and come back to this practice
any time you feel yourself having thoughts of not being “good enough”
or feelings of unworthiness.
 Functional Freeze
Our autonomic nervous system helps us respond to stress and danger.
When we’re faced with something overwhelming, our parasympathetic
nervous system takes over, and we go into a protective state called freeze.
In freeze, we might scroll on social media for hours, binge on Netflix, or self-
isolate even when we want connection.

When we’re stuck in freeze, we often struggle to be productive, feel zoned

out (dissociated), and have very low energy. Many people with C-PTSD feel
like they’re “lazy,” when the reality is our body is in an immobilized, protected
state.

I’m disconnected I procrastinate or am

from others unable to act (even
when desired)

I’m hopeless My memories are

(feeling like hazy
life is (“Did I actually
“meaningless” do that?”
or “pointless”) “Was I really there?)

I feel powerless
(or “incompetent”)
 Unfreeze Yourself
Many of us end up shaming ourselves when we’re really stuck in a freeze state.
We feel like we “should” be able to do it all, putting our nervous system into a
deeper state of collapse.

To unfreeze our body, we need to be compassionate, aware, and understanding

of our nervous system as we commit to the small practices listed below that can
help our body feel safe enough to come out of this protective state. One way to
get out of freeze is...
Box Breathing
Box breathing is a technique used by Navy Seals that can help our body enter
a parasympathetic, or calm and grounded, state.
How to practice
Sitting up or laying down, put your hand on your belly

Inhale or breath in for 4 seconds

Hold that breath for 4 seconds

Exhale or breath out for 4 seconds

Hold that breath for 4 seconds

Breathe In

4
Hold Hold
seconds

Breathe Out
Notice any shifts in sensations as you begin to feel calmer and more energized.
Repeat this at least 3 times while noticing the sensations in your body.
Use this practice anytime you notice yourself becoming stuck in freeze.
 Understanding Your Triggers
To heal from C-PTSD, we have to understand what emotionally activates us.
Triggers are when past emotional wounds are activated in the present
moment. Every human being has triggers based on our past lived experiences,
so what activates us will be unique to us. Complex trauma creates situations
where we can be regularly activated, while, at the same time, we’re unsure of
what caused our upset. A comment from a co-worker or not getting an answer
to a text message can create a situation where we’re spiraling emotionally and
don’t know why.
Dysregulated Reaction Cycle
I’m activated.

I habitually react.
I feel shame or (Example: get defensive,
self-loathing. shut down, go into denial)

I use my habitual
coping mechanism.

Now that you understand what happens when we’re triggered, we’re going to
explore what activates you and how you tend to cope (most of the time). This
work will help you shift into a regulated trigger cycle where you feel
empowered.
Regulated Response Cycle
I’m activated.

I choose a conscious
I feel empowered. response.

I use a healthy
coping mechanism.
 How To Have Difficult Conversations
Every successful relationship requires us to have difficult conversations.
It’s through difficult conversations that we can understand ourselves and the
people we love. Trauma changes how we have conversations. Some of us are
terrified of getting in trouble or of saying the wrong thing, or just don’t know
how to express ourselves. So let’s dive in to learn how to have difficult
conversations.
Speak for yourself: Speaking in “I” statements decreases the likelihood that
we put the other person on the defensive. And, of course, we can only know
(and speak to) what we’re feeling. For example, instead of saying, “You never
listen to me,” you can say, “When I talk about how I feel, I would love to know
you hear me and understand where I’m coming from.”

Ask for what you want: We cannot expect people to just know what we want
or to read our minds. What we want or what feels good for us might not feel
good to another person. When we directly ask for what we want, we allow the
other person to meet our needs.
Examples:
“I know you love to catch up right
“Right now, I just want to vent. I’m not when I get home, but I need a little
looking for you to give any solutions. bit of time to decompress. Can you
I’d just like you to listen.” give me some space for 20 minutes
before we catch up?”

Ask what they need: Asking the other person about their wants and needs
shows consideration and care. Once they share, it can be helpful to mirror
Asking the other person about their wants and needs
back what they’ve said so you’re on the same page. For example: “I’m hearing
that you want more physical affection, especially before bed. Is that right?”

Stay flexible: Think of difficult conversations as an opportunity to come

together as team. You might not get every need met or feel exactly the
same as your partner, and that’s ok. You want to stay flexible and open
during the conversation.

Know when you’re in the red zone: Any time you feel yourself getting
defensive, feeling shut down, or losing your ability to calmly have a
conversation, ask for a break and agree on a time to revisit the conversation.
It’s important that you don’t leave the issue hanging.
 Jiya’s Story
Both of Jiya’s parents were hardworking and struggled to get by. She
knew when her dad got home that he needed his time to rest, and her
mom often was distant and distracted. She has memories of trying to
perform dances she made up and trying to get attention in any way she
could. At around 13, she stopped trying to get attention from her parents
and started trying to get that attention from boys in class. She has never
dealt with or even acknowledged the painful loss of her parents’ love and
affection.

Jiya lived two lives: the life of a social butterfly at

school and the life of a quiet “pure” girl at home.

She’s been dating Mark for a few months.

Everything has been going well, but recently
Mark has been busier at work. He let Jiya know
this would happen, but Jiya still feels her wound
of being ignored activated. She sends him a text
message at lunch asking him if he wants to do
dinner. He doesn’t respond, and an hour later,
Jiya can feel herself getting angry and irritated.
She sends him a text message: “Nevermind,
I already made plans. I can see you don’t have
time for dinner anyway.”

In this example:

JIYA IS ACTIVATED BY: THE WOUND OF BEING IGNORED (NOT SEEN)

HER COPING MECHANISM IS: BECOMING DEFENSIVE AND WRITING A

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TEXT MESSAGE

THE END RESULT IS: FEELINGS OF SHAME, REGRET, AND

EMBARRASSMENT
 How to Regulate Your
Emotions When Activated
Learning to regulate your emotions helps you to consciously respond to
triggers rather than unconsciously reacting. Emotional regulation takes
practice, but the more you practice it, the more relaxed and in control you’ll
feel. You’ll be much less likely to go into a shame spiral (see page 29) or to
rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Notice what’s happening:

Right now, my heart is racing,
and I feel very irritated or like
I’m going to shut down.

The story I’m telling myself

about this situation is:
I’m telling myself that I’m not
getting a response to a
message because the
person is mad at me or is no
longer interested in me.
Name my trauma brain:
In the past, I was emotionally
neglected or abandoned by
people I trusted, so my trauma
brain is filling in the story from
my past, and it is NOT
necessarily true right now.
I use my body to move
through the emotion(s):
I can dance, shake, scream,
stretch, and/or do deep
belly breaths to allow the
intense energy to pass
through me.

I choose to cope in healthy ways:

I am going to reach out to a close friend so I can vent about this and
then make myself a nutritious dinner to take care of myself.
(Healthy coping mechanisms are anything that helps you feel
soothed, comfortable, and more connected to your highest self.)
 The Window of Tolerance
Every time you practice emotional regulation, you widen your window of
tolerance. Your window of tolerance is the optimal zone of your nervous
system where you can respond to your emotions in more grounded,
healthier ways.
When we feel anxious and overwhelmed we are in: hyperarousal.
When we feel dissociated, shut down, or numb we are in: hypoarousal.
With C-PTSD, it’s very common to go quickly back and forth from both
states. The more we practice tools to regulate our nervous system, the more
time we’ll spend in our “green zone” or our window of tolerance.
NOTE: A sign that you’re leaving your window of tolerance are feelings of irritability or
intense frustration. You might also be clenching your jaw and breathing from your chest.
Hyperarousal
Fight or Flight
Anxiety, panic, overwhelm, hyperactivity, anger, inability to relax

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

Time
Self-regulation, grounded, present, flexible, can access reason and
intuition

Hypoarousal
Freeze
Exhaustion, numbness, shut down, depression,
shame, poor digestion, disconnection
 Are You in the Window?
Use this checklist anytime to check to see if you’re
within your window of tolerance.

Hyperarousal:

I can’t think clearly.

I cry when I go to speak.
I have racing/panicked thoughts.
I can’t sit still.
I’m so overwhelmed or angry.

Window of Tolerance:

I can think clearly.

I feel relaxed and at ease.
I can laugh, joke, or play.
I’m capable of making a grounded decision.

Hypoarousal:

I feel “stuck.”
I have low energy and am lethargic.
I feel disconnected from others.
I’m dissociated (feel numb or out of body).
 Emotional Regulation Practice
The next time you feel yourself getting activated, practice the steps below.
The more you follow through and show up for yourself in this way, the more
empowered you’ll feel. Use the examples given on the previous page to fill in
your own answers.

Notice what’s happening:

The story I’m telling myself about this situation is:

Name my trauma brain:

Ways I can use my body to move through the emotion:

Possible ways I can support myself:

Healthy Coping Checklist:

Walk around the block Draw/doodle/paint
Call a friend for support Practice deep belly breathing
Journal my feelings Dance or shake
Let tears flow (cry it out!) Lay in the sun/get in nature
Cook a nutritious meal Listen to the birds
Listen to a podcast Ask for space or time alone
 Practice Self-Acceptance
Our work isn’t to change ourselves or begin an endless or exhausting self-
improvement project. A major part of healing complex trauma is actually
accepting all parts of who we are, not necessarily changing everything. As we
practice this work, we will make mistakes and fall into old patterns,
sometimes fearing that we’re going “backwards.”

Practicing self-acceptance, or accepting how we feel and appreciating where

we are at, helps us break our deep-rooted shame cycles.

Use the prompts below to practice self-acceptance any time you find yourself
being self critical of our experiences.

The emotion that I feel right now is:

I can soothe and accept myself as I am right now by:

Even when I am not the best version of myself, one thing I can appreciate
about myself right now is:

Because of this experience, I have learned:

 Forgiving Yourself
Many of us have done things we regret while in survival mode. Sometimes
we ended up unintentionally hurting others, we stayed in relationships that
hurt us, or we gave up on our dreams and goals because we felt like we
weren’t worthy. Regardless of what we once did, it’s now time to forgive
ourselves so we can let go and begin to rebuild.

Say these mantras to yourself once a day.

As you say them, begin to slow and deepen your breath as you practice
assessing sensations of peace and softness within your body.

Mantras for Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for what I did when

I was in survival mode.

I forgive myself for staying in relationships

that hurt me because I wanted to be loved.

I forgive myself for the choices I made

when I didn’t have the tools to do differently.

I forgive myself for not being there

for me when I needed me the most.

I forgive myself for staying small and not

giving myself a chance to realize my goals and dreams.

I forgive myself for blaming myself

for the actions of other people.

I forgive myself, and I am free.

 Resilience
Most people who’ve been through trauma are unaware of how much
resilience they’ve developed. When we didn’t grow up in homes with parents
who encouraged us or who recognized our strengths, we end up thinking
that it’s lacking within us. By honoring and recognizing our resilience, we can
re-wire our mind and body to feel capable of handling whatever comes our
way.
Reflection Exercise:
Think about something very difficult you went through in the past. From that
experience, you gained certain traits or deeper awarenesses. (Example: I
developed street smarts; I became more resourceful; I understood that if I
wanted something in life, I would need to go after it.)

Now use this space to tell the story of your resilience. There’s so much
power in telling our story. When you’re done, read it to yourself aloud and
spend some time honoring how far you’ve come.

My Story of Resilience:
 Post Traumatic Growth
Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) is a concept developed by by Richard
Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, in 1996 after they discovered
that people who have experienced traumatic events are more likely to report
positive change in themselves.
Their research found the following positive changes
in people who experienced traumatic events:

Increased Personal Strength

Greater Appreciation For Life

Closer Relationships With Others

New Possibilities

Spiritual Development

How Post Traumatic Growth Happens

They found that PTG happens in the following ways:
Education: Developing new coping mechanisms, processing how past
events have impacted you, and challenging your beliefs/conditioning.

Emotional Regulation: Cultivating the ability to understand and manage

negative emotions.

Disclosure: Honoring your individual story and sharing it with others

who can support and understand it.

Service: Using your wisdom (or what we learned from our traumatic
experiences) to support and empower each other. Acts of service can
include volunteering, donating to an organization, or being there for
someone you love.

Narrative Development: Speaking about yourself and your life

experiences in new, empowering ways.
Doing this workbook is already a sign you’re committed to post traumatic growth. Take a
minute to congratulate yourself for getting this far! You’re well on your way. And, as
always, remember to be patient and gentle with yourself as you continue on this journey.
 Kendall’s Story

Kendall is the oldest daughter to parents who had

her at a young age. Both of her parents were highly
self focused and distracted with their own over-
whelming emotions and stressful lives. Her mother
coped with her own insecurities by competing with
her children, though she was unaware of it. Kendall
had many gifts, but her mother was not capable
of nurturing them. Instead, she downplayed them
and criticized Kendall.
Kendall coped with the fractured relationship with her mother by
abandoning herself and her own needs. Subconsciously, she
internalized beliefs about her personal “imperfections” as a result of
her mother’s near constant criticisms. Kendall was too young to
understand that her mother’s treatment of her was just a reflection
of her mother’s own internalized and unresolved insecurities.
To cope with her increasing shame, Kendall became the “troubled,
difficult child” who would drink, sneak out, and frequently neglect
her self-care. As an adult, she regularly found herself feeling
hopeless and angry, and often struggled with the responsibilities of
her daily life.
After seeing a therapist, Kendall began to understand that she was
suffering from complex trauma. She had shrunk and abandoned
herself because her attachment needs weren’t met as a child. Within
the safe and supportive environment offered by her therapist, she
learned how to regulate her emotions, how to practice self-care, and
how to have difficult conversations.
After about 6 months of doing the work, Kendall began to see
moments of change in herself. She started to see herself as the
resilient, strong individual she had become. Most importantly, she
started to have compassion for the lost younger version of herself
that was under-mothered.
 Your Story of Growth
Now that you’ve read Kendall’s story, it’s time to start telling your story of
post traumatic growth. We are not our past, and we can re-write our story at
any time.

I am the hero of my own life because:

 Waking Up Your Spiritual Self
You are mind, body, and soul. Our soul, or spiritual self,
speaks to us through our intuition, helping to guide us
through life. Most of us have had to detach from our
spiritual self in order to stay safe. In the process, we
stopped listening to or trusting our inner knowing. This
leaves us searching for guidance outside of ourselves when
the answers actually lie within us.

Your spiritual self is your authentic Self. It’s without

conditioned patterns, learned fears, or defense
mechanisms. You might be in the process of waking
up to this reality, feeling unsure of who you even are.
Waking up can be very painful as we come to the
realization that things we’ve come to believe about
ourselves and the world simply aren’t true. While this
is a painful time, it’s a great sign that you’re on your
way to becoming who you truly are.

YOUR SPIRITUAL SELF KNOWS:

What you’re meant to

You’re more than
be doing in your life
capable, even
(purpose/passion)
when you’re
even when there are
overwhelmed
a lot of opinions or
or scared.
noise around you.

When you need rest, When its time to set

and when you need a boundary and to
to push yourself. tell someone “no.”

To connect more with your spiritual self, it’s important to plan time to be alone
in silence. This stillness or solitude lets our spiritual self begin to communicate
with us. Plan a bit of time each day where you just sit quietly with yourself.
You may even ask for guidance and answers, being open to any sensations,
images, or voices you may notice. This is how you connect back to yourself.
 Reclaiming Your Dreams
Trauma creates heartbreak and disconnection. This can cause us to detach
from the things that are meaningful to us. Maybe someone told us our dream
was silly or shamed us for even having dreams. Or maybe after experiencing
so much disappointment, we stopped having dreams all together. Nothing is
more painful in life than having to cut ourselves off from our dreams to keep
ourselves safe.
Healing means following our dreams and finding our purpose, even if
people don’t “get” why it matters to us. We all have unique traits, gifts, and
adaptations that help us find and fulfill our purpose. But we have to have
the courage to name them to embody them, making them a reality in our
lives.
Your purpose might be to have a family, to be a great partner,
to build a business, or to be of service to the world.
Here’s permission to name and honor your unique dreams and purpose:
 Resources:
Below are books, guides, and support groups to help you on your journey of
healing from C-PTSD. Trust yourself, follow what resonates, and leave what
does not. You are your own best healer.
Books

How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera

How to Meet Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera
How to Be the Love You Seek by Dr. Nicole LePera
Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller, PhD, and Brad
Hammer, LMFT
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
The Drama Of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate, MD
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Support Groups and Websites

CPTSD Foundation:
a guide for the overall healing of complex trauma https://cptsdfoundation.org/

SelfHealers Circle:
a community based, self-guided healing membership.
Get on the waitlist here: selfhealerscircle.com

Find a therapist in your area:

psychologytoday.com (search engine for therapists who are trauma informed
and practice trauma healing modalities like EMDR or somatic therapy)

Crisis Hotlines
If you are experiencing a crisis and/or domestic violence,
please use the following hotlines:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-272-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800 799-7233