The world, ladies and gentlemen, is on fire! As the line between good and evil blurs...

...and parliaments of apathy vote to hoard their riches and ignore the rising tide of chaos...
... people of principle must step forward and become beacons of light in the encroaching darkness.
Well, good luck to them, whoever the hell they are.

BOTCH!, GEORDIE!, SOUP!

And, uh, some KID I guess.
SIR. I WON’T LET
YOU DOWN SIR.

Yeah I’m ‘ere man,

calm down.

yes sir!
They call me Soup ‘cos I
like soup, it ain’t that deep.

Welcome to TALON. Tactical, Armour, Logistics, Operations, and Negotiations. A one-stop shop of global
stability for any government that has a lot of mess to clean up and a healthy wedge of cash!

You have been hand picked to

be our flagship team of crack
operatives because you are the
BEST of the BEST of the BEST.

Pleased to be here, sir. That’s a point, why are we

Wherever the hell ‘here’ is. here? I mean, us specifically?

OK, I’m good but I feel like I So... Who’s gonna be the first to Well I’m glad
have to do some expectation leave cos, uh, this is getting awkward. someone said it.
management here.

I’ve got stuff to do

man, what a farce.

We should have planned

this better, I admit.

Can’t we stay
like this for
a while?
 Well son, my objective is
to advance the interests of
Your objective is to shut up this enterprise and make a
while I show you these slides healthy amount of cash.

What’s our
objective sir?

Damn it son, anyone else got

a pointless interjection to
waste my time with?
SIR. PERMISSION
TO SPEAK SIR.

What is it?

THAT WASN’T A
REAL QUESTION!

SIR. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED

USING A LAPTOP SIR?

This is Prince Mohammed ibn Abdulaziz, What was he trying to find out? That Do we suspect
a minor royal in the Hajaire regime billionaires shouldn’t take vacations foul play?
in active war zones?

Oh I always suspect foul play,

son, but either way, the Hajaire
regime wants him found, and
returned safely before
anyone realises he’s gone.

Could be a big embarrassment

The Prince has gone missing while on a for them. Which means a big
fact-finding mission near their border payday for us, if we don’t
with Kashkiri, and that’s where we come in screw this up.
Our first order of business is to do some fact-finding
of our own. Find out where he’s being held.

Our only lead is some sketchy

intel on a handful of rebel
bases in this region.

Sketchy? How sketchy are Yeah, “Have I Told You Lately”

we talking here? Jackson that our intel sucks?
Pollock or Van Gogh?

That’s Van
Morrison,
you moron!

YOU are going to search these camps SIR, ARE WE ALLOWED TO CALL Do we suspect
for clues. Quietly. I know you all THE OP “PRINCE OF PERSIA”, SIR? foul play?
have an aversion to sneaking around,
but this job calls for discretion.

Look, son, geography was

never my strong suit.

GET YOUR ASSES READY

ANY QUESTIONS? FOR DEPLOYMENT!
 Uhh… So is this a sort of
‘you break it, you bought
it’-type situation?

Fix it? Fix it? Like how your mom and

You leave my dad “fixed it” when Happy the
goldfish out of Goldfish slipped this mortal coil?
this! He’s not dead, We can’t just go to the store and
You had to go and call in the he’s only nineteen! buy an identical prince, idiot!
airstrike, didn’t you? I told
you that was overkill! And
likely against regs!

It was only a smidgen of napalm, how

was I supposed to know it would kill
him!? MAYBE WE CAN FIX IT SIR?

Do you think they’ll

still, you know, pay up?

I’m not incompetent,

the heat just plays
havoc with me IBS.

Sure, they’ll pay up. For some

other PMC to come napalm us.
Our only hope is that they’re as
incompetent as we are.

What in the HELL is

going on down there? With all due respect, Sir, this is
what happens when you get your
intelligence from Van Morrison.

DARN IT I-

I’ve got my CIA buddies on the

line telling me they can see
the smoke stack from Doha!
 We get our intel from
Van Morrison?

For the last time, I was

talking about Van Gogh. WILL YOU IDIOTS STOP TALKING ABOUT VAN GOGH!
GET BACK TO BASE THIS INSTANT!

Speaking of stupid, using your inherited wealth

H-happy is a...stupid
He’s alive! to launch a coup against your own family? I
name for a fish.
hope you like bars on your windows, buddy.

What are you, kidding me?

You think they just throw
billionaires in jail?

You work hard for that

medical degree, genius?
The worst fate waiting for this guy is house arrest
in one of the most opulent palaces on the planet.

You know, it’s hard work to be a billionaire.

The others were making fun of me for not
having my own space program, so I tried to Why didn’t you just start
one-up them by having my own country. your own space program?

I’m afraid of heights!

Uh, can we stop for a
bathroom break along the way.

A bathroom break?

I fear I may need to do

a Jackson Pollock.
 I do NOT wish to purchase the
extended warranty, thank YOU.

Another JACKPOT! We’re RICH!

You’re damn right we are Kid, the Hajaire regime

sure were grateful for our, uh, discretion. Now I know you aren’t reading a scam
email with dollar signs in your eyes,
because that would be ridiculous!

How can it be a scam? I was

recommended to them by a
mutual associate!
Dear Sir, I am contacting you
in respect of a family treasure
of gold deposited in my name. Like who? Some other easy mark?

You have been recommended to

No, it must be the Nigerian prince I’ve
me as a personage of high
been helping with a cash flow problem.
esteem by a mutual association.

Oh lord, we finally He missed the memo. Remember

found the guy! Myanmar? He couldn’t turn his
night vision goggles on, kept
walking into walls?

It was dark!

You’re THE guy. The one

guy that actually falls
for these scams?

He’s the guy? We’ve The one guy who thinks

been working with it’s totally legit to be
him all along? asked to pay money in
order to receive money?

That’s why we
had goggles!
The one guy who prints emails?
What do you mean?
I thought his generation were
What guy?
supposed to be tech savvy?
Listen up, troopers! Whilst they are, indeed, classic scam emails. What’s
peculiar, apart from his astounding naivety,

is that they all seem to contain coded

references to actual events being
monitored by our intelligence network.
Uh. Troopers? Are you listening to a damn
thing I’m saying?!

I can’t make out a damn thing.

Are you sure that’s Africa? It

kinda looks like Australia.

I thought it was a cat.

In the meantime, you’re shipping out to

investigate. Make sure you pack some
spare socks, because you’re headed into
the DELTA.

THE HIGH TECH UPGRADE OF TALON HQ ISN’T

FINISHED YET AND THE BIG TV WON’T GET HERE DAMMIT! GET OUT OF HERE!
UNTIL TUESDAY!
 Take a look, we just took
enough in tips to keep our
little enterprise running for
years to come.

I guess sometimes being

scammed DOES pay off!

No, the takeaways are on me!

Wheyhey!

Oh my word, Kid, that is

not the takeaway here.

It is not possible to SWIM in

300 TONNES of GOLD COINS and
ASSORTED JEWELRY, Corporal!

[MOANING IN PAIN]

Are you OK down there?

Think I’ve just

established that.
I’m fine.

What are you, a

cartoon duck?

That was some sterling work, troopers! The

coffers are well and truly filled, and we’ve
made some very well-connected friends.
 There’s just one thing I don’t
understand. Those obvious scam
emails all turned out to be
real. And, they all ended up in
our inboxes. What are the odds?

“Thanks for the help, patsies” and a load of

laughing emojis? Huh. You’d think someone
calling themselves The Secret Brotherhood
would be more subtle than that.

There’s nothing subtle about calling

yourselves The Secret Brotherhood.
Skulking about in the dark and pretending to
be all mysterious. It’s blatant, that. I bet
they all wear matching hoodies.

Well, whoever these chuckleheads

are, I owe them a drink.

Wait! What day is it?! Prince Abeo said that

money should be in my account by now!

oh, kid.

They really saw

you coming, huh.

Did you cheat on your

aptitude test, son?
 Oh boy, I love board games!

I like that one where you play as a dog

and buy all the hotels and that. Reminds
me of my staffy from when I was a
nipper. Norman, I called him...

Which is absolutely fine by us - as

he’s usually negotiating with other
world powers to keep trade partners
happy. A happy despotic partner is a
great foothold for our interests.
Geordie! The next time I have to interrupt one of your God bless capitalism!
wistful recollections in my briefing room I’ll have you
shipped back to ALBION quicker than you can say AL BE ON
MY WAY, understand me?
Amen!
However, one of his
Now, as you may be aware - the President for Life, Mekhoy lookalikes has gone rogue.
Zino... employs a staff of eerily convincing lookalikes to
stand in for him during public appearances that he can’t or
won’t attend.

I can see that!

Someone’s been on
the protein shakes.
 So what, we go in, cancel his
gym membership? How exactly
has he gone rogue?

He’s convinced a significant number

of their citizens and military
personnel that he is, in fact...

Ugh, really? For

crying out loud, man.
The real Mekhoy.

So the last thing we want - aside

from that pun - is for biceps here
to launch a military coup.

Exactly. We cannot let some pectoral pretender mess around. Partly because
it would destabilise the region - but mostly because the president would find
it emasculating, and I’d have to hear him whine about it at the Vets dinner.

Vets get to have dinner with the

president? Wow, he must really
love animals! This is gonna be
a long flight.
 Ok, look. Okay. I’m just gonna
say it: that got weird. Di- Did it
not get weird? It got weird. So
many… CHICKENS!

It’s ok buddy. The

chickens are gone now.

You’re not helping.

That was a hell of
an eggs-plosion.

Please. I have
im-peck-able timing.

Why were there so

many chickens!?

We better move out and

get the lad some help.
He’s shell shocked.
Aw give over man I’m
being serious!

Oh, sure, not like you to fall

fowl of the regs. So what do
we do with this guy now?

When you’ve quite finished your chitter

chatter you can get back to HQ!

You bet I am. Bring him back to TALON,

it’ll give him some time to think of an
incredible excuse before his next chat
with the boss!
Is he always listening?!

Yeah. He damn near set the whole world on fire,

and made an enemy of a ruthless dictator in the
process. It’s the biggest workplace faux pas in
the entire history of mankind.

Man, I almost feel

bad for him.

The guy caused so much misery here.

He can cry me a river. Last one I swear.
Yeah, I’m a real comedi-hen.
Troopers, this is your toughest assignment yet.
As you have observed while undercover, shadowy multinational
conglomerate HalliBerry Industries is taking advantage of the
fact that the local interim government of Cartagia is in disarray
following a coup.

Beigewater… I hate those guys.

They’re so bland. And serious!

HalliBerry have employed a private security

contractor, Beigewater, to oversee an
effective corporate takeover of Cartagia in
order to take control of its oil and natural
gas production capacity. It goes without
saying that we cannot allow this to happen.

That’s why we’re better You mean professional, Soup.

than them. We’ve got that Most crack PMC outfits spend
personal touch. more time on soldiering than
they do thinking of puns.
 It’s hard to have personality when you’re one of the
biggest private militaries in the world. Their presence is so
overwhelming here that the local government simply can’t
put up an effective resistance. Troopers, that’s where we
come in. The time has come to reveal yourselves.

About time! The locals were getting

suspicious. We don’t exactly blend
in with the village people.

Uh, you sure

about that?
Should be with you
right about now...

When can we expect Hey guys, I brought the gear.

the gear drop, Did ya miss me?!
Commander?

Kid, I’ve never been

happier to see you
in my life.

Uh… how quickly can y’all get changed?

Way ahead of you,

Commander.

A head. Hey, that’s

pretty good.

It wasn’t a pun, KID, get your

proper damn helmet on!
 Ever get the feeling like
someone’s walking on your
grave? And it’s you?

Top work again troopers! I told you this would be your

toughest challenge yet.
Y’know, it just goes to show - we were evenly matched in
every way, except for one crucial difference.

What’s that,
Sarge?

We’re the
good guys.

Gonna flag that one as

“citation needed”, boss.

Hey, smartass, if they didn’t put

their crap here to get blown up,
it wouldn’t have gotten blown
up! We didn’t start this fire!

Simmer down, Soup.

HEY! NEVER QUOTE
BILLY JOEL IN THE
MIDDLE OF WARZONE!
 Oh, we’re doing puns
now, Geordie? How
unprofessional!

Shut the hell up, all of you! SOUP’s got a point. But so has
BOTCH. Look, ok, we’ve made a mess. But we did it to stop
some bad guys making a mess. So, uh. You know...I didn’t
really think this through...

Ere, did anyone get the

license plate of that
truck? I’ve got a splitting
headache man.

That accent man,

embarrassing.
 And to think, after last
week I thought I’d had
quite enough of sand.

Yep, this is the life.

There’s just one

thing bothering me...

Aw behave-

The Commander said we

have to maintain combat
readiness at all times!
Come on, man,
what now?

Why the hell is he still

wearing combat gear?

The COMMANDER is
here! Time to get a
load on, Troopers!
 Where did that
come from!?

Couldn’t you
just...call?

What, and miss out

on some sunshine?
Now listen up:

We’ve got a cartel boss by

the name of Madam
Escargot setting herself
up as president of her own
little nation down here.

Reports indicate she has amassed a super-cartel and is

effectively annexing territory in the Orinoco Basin. Her newfound
organisation has taken to calling itself the ‘Trans-Orinoco
Nation of Yeyo Manufacturers’, or ‘TONY-M’ for short

If that reference was

any more thinly veiled
it’d be standing in
front of a priest!

...they are an extremely dangerous and volatile

organisation. Our mission is to halt, by any
means necessary, the creation of this rogue
state. So get out of your civvies and get going!

Yeah, I don’t even get it

man. I like Rasputin as much
as the next punter but I
don’t see the link. Yeah! Let’s seas the day.

Not bad Kid.

You’re whalecome.
Meanwhile, somewhere outside the enemies base...

Troopers, this is Agent Bagge.

Go ahead, Richard...

Y’know, it’s never been

as good since they
Whoa! Your name
changed the recipe. Wow, the CIA are very
is… Richard Bagge?
thorough. Look at
them collecting every
last scrap of evidence.

CORPORAL SOUP!

Is that what we’re calling it

now? I canna keep up with all
this slang, man.

It’s quite I don’t get it.

alright, Anders. What’s funny
about Richard?

Nothing, except
for that combover.

I’m quite used

to it.
OUR esteemed colleague here just wanted to come
and express his personal gratitude for your...
assistance...in this matter.

Assistance? Your guys

needed saving so often I was
gonna recommend church.
That’s right-

You got a real live one here, Anders.

You’re right, and things could have gone
very badly for us if you hadn’t shown up.
So, I just wanted to thank you on behalf And, uh, those interests would be…
of the president and people of the United the contents of all those crates
States, whose interests you have helped you’re loading into helicopters?
protect on this fine day.

Certainly, helps us
pay for the war
effort! Anyway.

Wait… what war?

Be seeing you,
Randall.

See you around, Dick.

There’s always
a war, son.

Yeah, they’re a
real bunch of
Richard Bagges.
You can’t fight in here. This is the war room!
Give it back!

See! You’re being a

trifle dramatic. Don’t storm off. You
wouldn’t want to be a
deserter!

Overthrow him.

I never said that.

Listen up! The party is over. We’ve been

contacted by the CIA who are alarmed
by numerous claims and reports
coming out from the ‘Hermit Kingdom’
and the increasingly bizarre behaviour
of their leader. They want us to
investigate and if necessary...you know.

Wait. Wasn’t some of

our previous missions
making sure this exact
scenario didn’t happen?

Absolutely not. We’re the

good guys remember!

Yeah, about that. Why do we

keep getting pelted with fruit
by the people we’re there to
help? It’s almost like they
don’t want the help.
 Yeah, about that. Why do we You ask too many questions, Kid! They simply
keep getting pelted with fruit don’t appreciate what we do for them but they
by the people we’re there to will. When they’re all sat doom scrolling on
help? It’s almost like they their mobiles and getting men on scooters to
don’t want the help. bring them hummus. They’ll thank us then.

Yeah. I think it’s a do

as we say, not as we
do type scenario.

Anyway there’s been some crazy rumours

doing the rounds about the region.

What sort of
rumours?

Unicorns!

The ‘Kingdom’ has claimed that

they found unicorns,
discovered some kind of magic
potion and cured all diseases!

Really? That’s the one

you’d be most excited by?

All wildly outlandish claims, to be sure, and all but

certain to be total nonsense. However, these claims
are often used as subterfuge for other, more
sinister programs, so get ready to roll. It’s been
left to us to investigate what is really going on.

This is my trifle.
Repeat after me!
 Damn. I can’t
believe he just ran
off like that.

There you go. New

birthday hat. Thanks. But
he got away.

That’s fine. We were here to

investigate unicorns and magical
potions, and shut down some
truly shady operations, and a
whole bunch of other ridiculous
nonsense and we did that.

We weren’t here to take down

some megalomaniac world
leader in the end. I guess
that’s way above our pay grade.

Hey, what is our

pay grade?

Not enough Kid.

Not enough.

Never mind not enough! If you don’t get back

to base and clean this birthday cake out of
this BRAND NEW EQUIPMENT YOU’LL BE PAYING
YOUR DEBT OFF FOR THE NEXT MILLENIA!
Thank you for attending this debriefing, Troopers.
At the outset I told you the world was on fire. Over
the missions you’ve undertaken since joining being
recruited to Global Ops, you have successfully:

Reunited a missing royal

family member with his
concerned family.

Brought in enough gold

and jewels to keep our
little enterprise running
for years to come!

This one is
redacted.

Livened up these boring

The President pulled beige b*****
some strings, I see. Taken down Escargot.
And of course found a
nice hat.

Whoop!
You should be proud of yourselves. The world knows
when there is a despot, dictator, or crackpot too
tough, too tricky, too insane for others to handle…

Yeah!

Or the others just can’t be bothered to deal

with it because they have other things to do…

oh...

global ops!

They call us. When the job is too dirty. When

the heat is too hot. We’re there to stand in the
way and keep the world safe. Because, dammit,
we’re the Tiny Troopers!
 Epiphany
Games
TM

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