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The girl who found themself

By L Ray

I came out in 7th grade. I was a young girl who realized they liked other girls. I grew up

here in Greenville; my mom worked at ECU at the time. I went to Hope Middle School and had a

pretty good group of friends. That was when I had my first real crush, and it was on a girl. I

would always say things like “If I liked girls, I would date you” to her, and she would say the

same back. This went on for months, this back and forth until, finally, she asked me over text to

be her girlfriend. When she asked, I said yes right then and there, and a couple of weeks later, I

came out.

My mom was sitting on the couch in our downstairs living room, and I had walked down,

trying to calm my breathing and gain the confidence to tell her. A lot of people at my school

were homophobic; they would say a lot of hate speech towards anyone who was different and

hurt some of my already-out friends, so I feared how my mom would react. I got to her and just

said,

“Mom, can I talk to you?” She was on her phone, like always, but when I spoke, she

looked up at me with wonder in her eyes.

"Ya, what's up?” she replied to me. I took a deep breath and decided that it was now or

never.

“I like girls,” I said bluntly, waiting for her response. It felt like ages had passed by

before she spoke, but it was like a couple of seconds.

“So, you're a lesbian?” She asked me, confused. I mean, I had said I liked boys in the past

so I do understand why she may have been confused.

“No, I’m bi; I like girls and guys,” I replied, still nervous about how she was going to

react.

“Okay” is all she said before looking back down at her phone. That one simple word

made me so happy. I know some people may say that she should have reacted differently, but I'm

glad she kept it short and simple.

I am now in high school and have realized that I am, in fact, a lesbian: I only like people

who are not guys. Most people in my high school know that I am part of the LGBTQ

community, but I was really scared to tell anyone there, and I had an even harder time telling

people in middle school.

The middle school I went to, as I mentioned, was not that accepting; however, some

people were more malicious than others. There was this guy who was in my grade named

Conner, he was probably the worst of them all. I had never really come out at school, but it was

kind of obvious that I was not straight because I did talk about liking girls. He and I rode the

same bus to and from school. On the way to school, he never said anything to me; however,

when we were on the way home, he would. He would throw things at me and make fun of me.

You may be thinking, “It might not be because you like girls,” but it was. When this all started,

he began saying very homophobic things to me and I will not go into detail but will recall one

incident.

We were on the way home, and Conner suddenly stood up and looked over at me and the

people I was sitting with. He had thrown broken highlighters and half-eaten food at me before

but never really said anything. That day, however, he did.

“How do you know you like girls? Have you ever even kissed one?” This was a question

that I was used to; I mean, a lot of people said that to me.
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"That's like asking how you know you’re straight when you have never kissed a boy.” I

rebelled against him.

"Okay, whatever you fag.” This was the first time I had heard those words come out of

someone's mouth before who was not part of the LGBTQ community, and it shocked me and

stuck with me to this day. We argued the rest of the way to my stop, but it was mostly just

bickering and nothing bad. When I had finally gotten off the bus, he had called my name and

when I looked over, he chucked a handful of broken pencils out the window and towards me.

They missed me, but that incident made it very hard for me to accept myself and feel

comfortable telling others about my sexuality.

This is a bad way that an experience shaped my life and identity but there is so much

good. Coming to terms with this identity has affected me in so many more good ways than bad. I

was able to find a place where I was accepted and surrounded myself with those people. Finally,

being able to come to terms with being lesbian helped me find a community that I could relate to.

I feel safe and happy because I know that they are there for me, even if they don't know me.

This identity has also affected my relationships with many others as well. I have met so

many of my best friends just because they are also in this community of people. One of my

friends, Sylvie, always recounts the first interaction where she was struggling with her sexuality

and was confused. She remembers me talking to her and saying that it was okay to question and

not know everything and that was when she knew she wanted to be my friend. If I did not know I

was part of this community or she did not know or we did not feel safe talking about it, we

probably never would have had that interaction, and who knows how that could have changed

the course of both of our lives?

From this and my other experiences, I have realized that my identity as part of the

LGBTQ community means loving yourself and accepting others. Even if their own parents or

loved ones don’t, I have a good friend, who I will not name, who is struggling with this, and I

want her to know I and others in this community will always except her. The main idea may be

who you love or your gender, but for me, it also means love and acceptance. When you are part

of this community, you learn about how much oppression and hate there is against people like

you. Knowing this you can help people who have faced it learn to love themselves and learn to

love yourself as a person, not just a label, and how hard it is for people to feel accepted.

My identity has changed a lot. When I released I was in the LGBTQ community, I

thought I was bi, then pan, then aromantic, but I finally realized I was a lesbian and that I liked

going by they/them pronouns and hated my name, so now I go by L. I have realized how normal

and okay it is to question and not always know who you are, but being yourself is most

important, and no matter what you may experience, you may not hated and not excepted for

being you or you may have very good moments but you should always be true to yourself and

just like me someone will accept you.