The Good Wife : Nomzamo

The Good Wife 001

I have been here for more than a decade,it tookme a

while to get used to this place,at first it felt like an
asylum. On my first week I tried to escape but it was
stupid because I didn't even make it to the rooftop.
This is a maximum security prison. Not even Kaniel
Outis can escape. I had my first sexually encounter
with awarden3 weeks after imprisonment and
thereafter I was raped repeatedly by the same
warden,Jolinkomo,that's what they call him,he liked
it in the anus,never went for the real 'hole'. He is one
ruthless motherfucker and I know I am not the only
victim but in here we do not talkabout these things.
This is a jungle, survival of the fittest.
After 13 years,I am finally getting out. A part ofme is
afraid, fear of the unknown. I think of mymother who
was here last week,she used her last cents for
transport fare,from Mdantsane.
My father is a priest,well let's just say he is more
focused on the word of God than his ownoffsprings.
He visits sometimes and there's mysister
Nobuhle,I've been my sister's keeper for more than I
can remember.

" Zamo he's not breathing,I killed him. I killed my

husband!"she says pacing up and down in their
Tuscan bedroom, Robert van de msunu. Her rapist of
a husband.
" Ohh God,what have I done. My children." I tryto
calm her down but she's still shocked.
" It was self-defense Buhle." I console her withthese
words that my self know very well they
will mean nothing in the court of law,a black
woman murders a wealthy Boer politician. I don't
even think this case will make it to court.She'll just
be sentenced. No one gives a fuck about us black
woman. We are prisoners in thesoil of our
forefathers.

I kneel before him and perform CPR,I've seen

doctors doing something like this in movies.

" He's still not breathing. " As much as the

situation is dreadful I am trying to stay calm.
I hear sirens,someone must have heard the
gunshot.
" Zamo they are coming." She's losing it.
" Mama!"I look up,it's Majesty standing in the
corridor.
" Nana go to your room." She doesn't protest.
This is one bloody image that will forever be
fixed in her mind.
I turn to Buhle, "Hey. Look at me." I gently slapher
cheeks.
" I need you to focus okay." She nods with tears
streaming down her cheeks.
" Take the kids and go.Disappear and never
come back,okay?"
" Zamo."she searches for something in my eyes,"
Nobuhle go!" My voice is sharp.
" I'll take the fall for this." She's trembling."
Zam-
" No,just go and never look back." I hold her
hands tightly and kiss her forehead, "please."
One look back,"I'll never forget this" they are
gone, the sirens are getting closer.
Siseko,my love, it's only now that I think of him.He'll
never know the thruth. He'll never forgive
me.

This is what I remember as,The Night Of The

Broken Glass. 13 years ago.

This what has kept me going here,knowing thatI did

this for my niece whom her father molested,my
nephew who would've been raisedby a sick man,my
sister who suffered physicallyat the hands of that
man. But it was all in vain,he didn't die and I was
sentenced to 17 years imprisonment for attempted
murder but my sentence was later revised and
reduced to 13 years.

" Slim." A name I got here after I was initiatedinto

the Black Mamba.
I smile and look at the woman who has had my
back for the past years, MaZet,she was sentenced to
life imprisonment for burning bothher husband's
mistress and her husbands aftershe found out her
husband led a double life,she's turning 64 in a few
months but she doesn't look a day over 40.

My name is Nomzamo Labane,I invite you towalk

with me.

Daily new African Novels download here

www.ebooksteach.com
The Good Wife 002

" How are you?"She says with that motherly,

genuine smile of hers.
" Scared."I confess, I have been here for over a
decade and I have no idea how life is on the
outside.
" You need not to be.I know when you get outthere
you'll be fine because nganeyami
angikhulisanga yoko-yoko,a weakling lana. Youare a
survivor."I smile but deep down I know she's scared
to. To her It must feel like settingyour cub free amd
hoping that she doesn't getswallowed by the big bad
wolf.
" I know Ma."
" Slim you survived prison-
" I had you in here,out there I have no one."she
grabs my arm roughly.
" Listen to me and listen very attentively, for Iwill
not repeat myself. When you go out
there,do not look back. Keep on moving forward,
this,here,us we are you past. This is your past. A
whole new world awaits for you and you'll survive
like any ordinary being and remember
no one will have your back out there." She points
her middle finger to my forehead," Haveyour own
back,do not rely on any man or woman.There's a
whole bunch of fake people
out there." I smile in between my tears,this ishow
it has always been,she has always kept itreal with
me.
The warden,Zulu,shouts my name. He's readyfor
me.
" Slim. Your time is up." Zulu is one of the goodguys
out there. He's raising her late wife's illegitimate
offsprings. Sadly he cannot have hisown,infertile.
Mazet pulls me for a hug," remember you are onyour
own out there." She shoves a handful of rand notes
in my breasts,I murm thank you.
"Take care of yourself mama." I say.
Fortunately she has organised accommodation for
me,I'll live with her cousin, Liwa who is a taxidriver.
He lives in Soweto.
I am escorted outside the prison premises, where a
red VW old taxi is waiting for me,it hadtapes on the
window panes and some dents
here and there. The fairly old men standing nextto it is
wearing a tracksuit black pant which hadthree stripes
on the sides with a white t-shirt with a printed huge
black leaf like print,the wordAdidas is written below
it. He looked manly.
" Sintsha guluva." Zulu shouts as he goes back.
" Liwa?"He nods, I can tell he's not a man of
many words.Great.
"Here." He hands me a plastic. Clothes.
" Well I didn't realise you'd be this small so I
bought a size bigger than what you are." Wow. Iam
offended.
" And so you know I am a size 8,that would be a32 in
your world."
I am sure he does not want to be seen with a
skinny ass lady in an orange jail uniform, your
typical jailbird.
He opens the taxi door for me.
" Where am I suppose to change?"
" Here. I'd appreciate if you could be qquick. Istill
have to go back to the rank."
" Here,with you inside?"
" Sisi I have a woman so please don't flatter
yourself." He says starting the engine.
" I am sure you do. How am I suppose to
change while you driving?"
" Figure it out." And it gets better.
" Nxm." He breaks into a peal of laughter which
irritates me worse.
I change into this awfully yellow summer dresshe
bought me. I look life a fucken balloon.
"Itlooks good on you." He breaks into another
stupid laughter and turns up the radio
"Weh Mama,weh mama awubuk'inkomo zam
ngisebenzile. Awubhek'inkomo zam ngisebenzile.
We mama uyangithuka(uthi
ngilivila) awubhek'iinkomo zam..."
" Wawuphi mntanam."He keeps whistling. Great.I
cross my legs on the passenger seat.
Surprisingly I gradually give in into the song
because he keeps repeating it. He steals a
glance at me and smiles.
" I didn't get your name." He says. Oh now he
wants us to talk.
" I never told you. "
" Nxm." He chuckles.

There are traffic cops ahead of us.

" Fuck!"he slams the steering wheel.I
look at him.
" Don't tell me you don't have your licence.""
Put on your seatbelt."He orders
" Do you -"
He straps me in my seat.
We drive and the traffic cop signals that he
parks aside.
" Mnumzana." The traffic cop."
Driver's license please."
" Ngxabane." He jumps off the taxi and they
stand at a distance.This place has changed alot. It
feels as if I am in a foreign universe.
Minutes later he comes back and we drive off." Are
you hungry?"I nod.
We pass by a caravan and he comes back withtwo
take aways. Tripe with samp for him and rice with
beef curry for me.
"I will drop you at the rank. It won't be difficultfor
you to find a taxi to Soweto."
"Wow!" He's full of surprises.
"You'll have to wait for me by sis Thandi's
tavern because I am not giving you my house
keys." He hands me a R50 note.
"Try not to piss a lot of people. They not friendlyas I
am."
" Right." I murm. The
Good Wife 003

I walk around stupidly around the taxi rank. I amsure

I look like a fucken retard.
" Aw slender se catalogue. Aw awupakanga
mntakama." One of the taxi guys whistles.
" Awu Khumalo ngingayibhebha kukhale unina
lengane." They break into a stupid laughter.
" Ukuphi Gcwanini mele kulayisha yena manje.
Awu madoda isikhathi phela. Umamekhaya
ungimele." The fat one with a potbelly says.
" Wadla Sibiya. Awu madoda. Intsizwa nguwe."The
short one with a bald head.
Now I feel a bit uncomfortable,I summon all the
courage within me and walk towards them.
" Sheba ngwana o Sibiya." The young man in ablue
overall says wetting his lips. I blatantly ignore
him.
" Ngane yam ngiyalishaya mina isende,wozakim
ngikutshengise." He spanks my ass and Iwince.
Others are laughing their asses out.
" Molweni. Bendicela ukubuza i taxi eziya e
Soweto." I have my fingers crossed.
Instead of answering, they break into another
stupid laughter and I feel my anger rising.
" Walk down straight sisi uzabona zibhaliwe." Alady
selling fruit points me down.
The taxi is almost full,short of one person,I getin the
front seat. Now I'll have to count money.
The door closes.
" Sis shay'ihoot aze lo driver sijahile phela." I doas
told and within minutes the driver jumps in after
getting rid of an unfinished cigarette.
He greets and ignites the engine. People
start forwarding their taxi fare.
" How much should be yours?" I ask the driver.
"R185 sis." I count his amount and give back the
remaining to the lady near the window then keep
quite.
I hear whispers at the back as they share the
change.
People start alerting the driver of their drop offpoints.
"Sis wena uyakuphi?"There are only two
passengers now left In the taxi, me and the oldgogo
in the backseat.
" Zola next to sis Thandi's tavern."He smiles and
nods.
" Awungehlise la ngakwa Zwai nganeyam.""
Alright magriza."
Now am the only passenger left.

This place is dusty and crowded. People are walking

up and down the streets with a bottle ofwhatever
prefered beverage. I sit on the pavement with my take
away and the clothing plastic. I can tell it's going to
rain. I am sure I look more stupid than before.
"Hi." A voice extending a friendly greeting. I
smile and greet back.
" You not from here,are you?" Can't just people
mind their own business. I stare at her,a moment
of unease.
" Right.I'm Nia,I live down the street." I give hermy
left overs.
" Thank you."She starts eating as if she hasn't in
years.
" When did you last eat?"
Did I mention that this Nia figure has an
unnatural red hair.
" I don't suppose you'll tell me." She nods.
"Word of advice, don't befriend anyone from here.
Snakes." I kept quite trying to decipher themeaning
of her words.
She pulls me for a hug,"Thank you for the food."I
try not to flinch or stiffen under her touch. I am
sure she meant it nothing less of afriendly comfort.
A few hours later when it starts to get
dark,Liwa's red taxi pulls over.
I get in and we drive in silence. His house is afew
houses from where I was sitting.

" You have a lovely home." For a taxi driver, I

thought to myself.
" Unfortunately I have one bedroom. I used the
other as a storage room but I'll have it cleanedout
by Monday." He says as he pulls a beer from the
freezer.
" Want one?"I shake my head.
"Why did you take me in?" I demand,realising
instantly that the tone of my voice is accusatory.
"Sisi it's not like you have anywhere to go."Hesays
as he gulps.This doesn't fit the scenario I've been
constructing in my head.
I sounded rude.
He disappears and comes back with a pillowand
a blanket.
" I hope you find the couch comfortable,there's
bread and eggs if you are hungry."
" The bathroom is down the corridor on your left.I've
put some fresh towels for you,unfortunately
you'll have to use my cosmetics" he adds
" Thank you." I don't fancy bathing right now. I
need to rest.
I lay on the couch awake in the darkness,I've done a
lot of things but what I did for my nieceand sister but
mostly my conscience.I do not regret.

By 3am Liwa is up,I can tell by the sound of the

shower running. I make my 'bed ' I need to go for
run but I'm not familiar with the place so I'llhave to
postpone that for atleast a week until I'm well
familiar with the place.

I bump into a lady in a short satin robe. Must bethe

girlfriend.
" Hi." She greets with her sweet voice. I greet back
with no trace of smile. I'm always grumpy
when I wake up,I cannot help it.
" Ke nna Amohelang but you can call me Amo."
She's a friendly being in nature.
" Slim."
" That's quite a name."she says as he plates
breakfast for Liwa,I think.
"So I've heard."
She smiles again.
"Where can I get taxis to Bryanston?"She looksup.
"I've never been there.I hear it's quite an upper class
residence." She's not answering my posedquestion.
"I can ask Liwa to take you but you have to takea
quick shower because he has to be out by five." Pick
up time.
By 5:03 we are all done but Liwa has to drop Amo
in Braamfontein. I've gathered from our
conversation she's a qualified Doctor,I did hear
enough to know what field she specialises in.
By 08:03 I'm standing before Van Zyl Media House
which is owned by my sister.I read in some magazine
while I was in jail. She's made aname for herself in the
media industry.

I go by the reception.

"Hi,I'm here to see Nobuhle." She looks at me

under her spectacles.The way she's chewing her
bubblegum..
" Huh?"
" I-
" Sisi do you have an appointment with-you said
who?"
I hear her voice before I could see her. She's
walking in with a group of what I assume are
colleagues.
I turn to the rude receptionist, "never mind."
"Nobuhle." She raises her eyes to me. She doesn't
look happy more like caught off guard.
Her colleagues are eager to know this awfully
looking stranger in cheap jeans and flip flops.

She grabs me by my arm.

"What are you doing here?" She's angry.
"I wanted to see you."I say in almost a whisper.She
looks around.
"Now that you've seen me. Go." Her eyes keep
wandering.
"I see you've done pretty well for yourself Nobuhle.
You even forgot about your little sister
who was imprisoned at 16."
She laughs but there is no amusement in her
sound.
"That's the problem with you-you like playingthe
saviour. Well I never asked you to play heroine."

"B are you coming?"The lady in a red expensive

dress enquires.
"In a minute Zoe." She then turns her focus onme.
"How much do you want?" She says searching for
her wallet in a bag that is hideous with the LV.
I just stare at her and say nothing.This is notthe
Buhle I grew up with.This is not my sister.
"Here this is 20K it should be enough." She
hands me a cheque.
"Cash it and don't bother me ever again. Me andyou
never met." I shove her hand away with unnecessary
force,
"I don't want it.I don't want your money, I only
wanted to see my sister but clearly you do not. And
yeah you right, I like playing the saviour andno,you
never asked me to take the fall for you.
Next time I'll do better. Bye and you'll never see this
disgusting jailbird of your sis-of a stranger again."
The Good Wife 004

I make my way out of this huge establishment full of

many conflicting emotions. People keep whispering
as I pass,I do not fit in here.
I bump into a woman on my hurried way
out,"Honey you need to watch where you are
going" she lights up when she looks up. In mymind
she's thinking a black girl with-
" You look beautiful and you are black."She says
straightening her white blazer sounding surprised.
Translation:You are beautiful for a black woman.If
you were maybe white you would've been more
beautiful.
A whole curse of my melanin from an old whitehag
with a neck that of a grown white man's 'shrinking'
balls.
I ignore her and make my way out.
I find a nearby park where I sit under a tree,I keep
reminiscing of earlier events,a chuckle slids
through my lips. A passing lady throws aR200
note,she must've mistaken me for hobbonot that I
do not look like one.
It's quite amusing how my life turned out.The
dreams I had,financial stability, travelling and allof
that. I've got nothing but a criminal record tomy
name. I'm battling with these mixed
emotions, hurt,angry but mostly confusion and Ido
not know how to deal with them.I do not think I want
to deal with them. Not dealing withthings has been
my coping mechanism ever since I can remember.
Note to self:Just let shit be. Now I have to apologise
to myself for getting my spirit in high hope of finally
reunitingwith my beloved sister, my mother's
daughter. I have to beg my mind to forgive my
deceiving heart. See the beauty and art of letting shit
be,isthat you firstly have to apologize to yourself for
whatever shit you were hoping for,you owe yourself
that much. As they say"expectations befriends
disappointments"

"You good?"I nod,I wasn't and I didn't matter. I

didn't even bother to look up.
I could tell it's Liwa by his manly voice well it's not
like it was going to be woman-ly,he's a man.
"I was told you went this way." He sits downnext
to me,the sun is blazing hot.
"Leave me the fuck alone." I try to deliver the
command with as much authority as possible. Ilike
my personal space and anyone who disturbs it-is a
threat to my sanity. Discipline with a glare, "I'm
sorry."
He keeps quite but does not move.
"You know,sometimes you have to be
hyperconcious of the people around you.Not
everyone wishes you well." This roots from
somewhere deep,not from our conversation.
"Hm" that's all I can say. What am I expected tosay.
"We should get going.I have an afternoon
exam."
" I didn't know that you were studying."That was
suppose to be a thought but it made its way to my
tongue.
" Distance llearning.LLB" he says.
True what they say,never judge a book by its
cover.
" I'm proud of you."I just feel the need to put it out
tthereNot everyone appreciates the likes ofLiwa.
" Thank you."He says with a bit of humour is his
voice.
We are surrounded by Gladys,Sarah a black maid
working for a white probably racist household, as if
it's not enough that she has an'opressesion' name.
Bra Steve,a black taxi driverwho wakes up in the wee
hours just to get paper. Black excellence black child.

He drives me home. Amo has a night shift

tonight. It's already past 11.
"Hi. How did it go?"She seems anxious.
" It was eye-opening."She detects a trace of
emotion as I say this.
"Hug?"I shake my head. "I'll
pass." I'm not a hugger.
"I am making a sandwich,want one?"I nod.
"How long have you known Liwa?"I ask,it sounds
way better than'how did y'all meet?'
"Liwa"she sighs
"He helped me out of a broken place and that I'll
forever be grateful."I could tell she didn't want to go
into deep details of the story.
"He's an honest man and that one of the manytraits
I adore about him."
This has taken her down a memory lane.
"I spent good years of my life in the streets,that's
where we met."She chuckles andthere's a moment
there.
"I stole his wallet and that was the beginning of
something beautiful.He makes me happy in a way I
guess."
" You don't sound so sure."I say
" The thing is I do not know how to be happy."There
is so much emotion in the tone ofher voice.
"How is someone else suppose to make you
happy if you don't have a slight idea of what
makes you happy.Do you think that's fair on both
of you?"She shakes her head.
"Do you love him?"She hesitates,"he's the onlyman
I've ever been with and he took me to school,paid
for my tuition fees until I got a bursary. He goes
out of his capability to makeme comfortable."She
says with so much excitement.
"Do you somehow feel trapped in this
relationship?"I ask unsure of my own question.
I pray I am not overstepping boundaries.
"I try not to,I love Liwa don't get me wrong but this
is not enough.I want more." She sounds soalive.
"Define more."She keeps quite,lost in the
moment.
"I've never thought of ways of defining 'more'but
still,I want more."
"From Liwa-this relationship?"
"I want to discover myself, embark on a self
discovery journey out of this relationship.
Where I'll get to be me,Amohelang Chauke without
relying on anyone,Liwa for emotional availability
or stability. I want to go through what other people
out there go through. When Ifall,I want to be the
one who picks myself up without expecting or
relying on another individual. I'm not saying it's a
bad thing to be vulnerable and allow other
people,in this case
your significant other to be your pillar."
Wow,that's a mouthful.
"Having a support system is acceptable but atsome
point you have to be on your own.Trustyour own
strength to carry you." She adds.
"I trust you'll do the right thing.You've got this." She
smiles. I cannot get over how beautiful thiswoman
is.
" I'm glad we had this talk.This has been
weighing down on me."
"Anytime."I mean it
"You know I have been invited to this baby shower
in Rooderpoort. A colleague of mine isgonna be a
first time mother. So could you please be my plus
one?" She's makes this stupid puppy face that looks
awful on her.
"Me,No. I don't think I'll fit in." She
suddenly strides toward me.
"Don't. Don't do that. Stop." I smile.
"I don't have any suitable clothing for such
occasions." I say in hopes that she'll let it go.
" I bought you a dress. It's yellow and it'll look
amazing on you."She says with so much
excitement.
An hour later we are driving into this huge
estate. She requested an uber, apparently it'sthe
in thing for people who aren't mobile.
I'm dressed in this yellow Ms sunshine dress. The
best thing is that I get to free my nipples. Ithas an
open back to show my skinny back. It has done
wonders on my body. I have a great body, that I
know.
Amo bought this ridiculously expensive baby
blanket as a gift. Apparently her colleague,
Melinda has an expensive taste.
"Are you okay?" She keeps asking as we makeour
way in-inside the beautiful Tuscan style
house. The atmosphere smells like money,inthe
literal sense of the word.
The people around here are money.
It's more of a private function than a baby
shower. Now I really feel out of place.
"I'm fine." I finally say.
"Just don't leave my sight."I add"
Would never."She smiles
We are offered what Amo calls,Champaign andit's
sparkling. I like it.
There are finger foods and waiters and
waitresses moving around with trays of
something edible.
"I need to say hi to Mel and drop the gift then I'll be
right back."I nod
My eyes wonder around looking for something
appealing to the eye and all I see is money.
" Zamo."I slowly turn and I am met by him. He'sjust
standing there tall,breathing and suddenlythe
atmosphere changes. He's here.
"Siseko Faku"I manage to say. Wow!
My first boyfriend that nearly took my virginity.Did
I mention I'm a nearly 30 year old virgin.
"Hi." I say
And he's just standing.Breathing.Handsome.
"I've never thought I'd see you again."He says in
surprise.
I too, but I don't say that out loud.
"So how's the UK?"
UK,what UK? I'm confused.
"Your sister told me you left for UK on a
scholarship.I was heartbroken that you neversaid
goodbye."
"She did. Oh the UK was uhm okay."I keep
nodding.
"Baby." A sweet lady voice shouts from behind.She's
approaching us.
"The wife?" I ask
"Fiancee." he corrects.
The Good Wife 005

I'm at the balcony, Siseko Faku got pulled over by

his fiancee who introduced herself as Blue.
Yes,heard that right colour Blue.

This house has a spectacular view,a lake and plenty

of trees. This yard is huge. I'm now in myfourth glass
of champaign. This is the shit,I amsold.
Amo keeps checking up on me but I told her tocatch
up with her friends, I'll be fine. I couldn'tstand the
ladies' virginal tightening and breast
reduction talk. Money buys you a perfect body.I
don't even like them,they are so pretentious.

"I thought I would find you here." His voice isjust

as I remember it.
"Splendid view."I say
"Klein has an expensive taste so is his girlfriend."
The colleague I thought to myself.
"So, Blue?"I try to keep the tone of my voice
nonchalant as if I didn't feel a pang of jealousy.
"She's beautiful." I feel the need to add.
"You know me,when it comes to women my
fortune is not denied." He says with a stupidgrin.
I am offended.
"I don't like the way you are putting it.You makeit
sound as if you are entitled to beautiful woman. Is
there a beauty spectrum that catersto your 'kind' of
beauty?" I'm all worked up. I
have always felt the need to call out people on their
bullshit.
He smiles," I've missed that about you. All those
years, that fire in you.You are still vocal as ever." He
pulls out a cigar.
"Do you mind?" He asks searching for a lighterin
his blazer.
"Actually, I do.That thing is carcinogenic."He
puts it back and chuckles.
"Excuse me if you find my concern amusing."I'm
offended, I really am.
He smiles ruefully.
"So how long are you planning to stay in town
before you depart for Liverpool?"
So Buhle felt the need to conclude that I was in
Liverpool,UK.
"Actually I haven't figured that out,yet." He eyesme
suspiciously.
"Yet?"
"I'm thinking of settling in here-at home."I lieright in
his face.
"So,any boyfriend or fiance?"
This should be interesting.
"Can I not answer that."I sarcastically plead.He
raises his magnificent,well sculptured bushy
eyebrow.
"You have to give me more than that."He shootsback.
He turns to stand behind me,his hand on my
shoulder. I tense. I don't like being touched.
He senses it too but his hand does not leave my
shoulder.
"I don't like the way I'm feeling right.There's a
high possibility that I might be horny so I'll
excuse myself.It was nice seeing you Siseko
Faku."I turn on my heel.
I make my way inside the house,I don't want tobe
that lady who hangs with the guys, in otherwords I
don't want to be the hoe whom the ladies with rant
about.
Amo is already calling out my name.
A waiter passes and I grab two glasses of
Champaign and down them all at once. I feel
tipsy,nothing is sexier than a flute.
I keep blinking,trying to keep myself composed."Hi."
I sit next to Amo.
"You smell nice." I chuckle
"You are drunk." Amo
Someone clears her throat.
"Oh ladies this is Slim."Amo introduces me. I'm not
interested in their names. It's not like I'll be crossing
paths with them again.
"Amo when are you getting knocked up?"One
asks,why does it concern her,I think to myself.
People should just get out of other women's
vaginae.
" Euuww he must find someone who matchesher
hustle,not that taxi driver."Another.
"He's hot though."One says
"Blue euww." Blue is here,how did I miss that.I
call for the waiter,champaign darling.
"Atleast he doesn't burst his ass open to finance
his lifestyle."I sip on my champaign.Amohelang
is a bit uncomfortable.
I have no idea what I am saying.
Silence, a few glances.
The atmosphere is tense.
"Zi, how are things between you and Monde?"One
asks
"I got rid of the wife."They all cheer for her.
"Guurl I knew he was yours. Now you have to
work that dick so he won't chase any skirt." I need
another glass.
"I told y'all. I'm not the working type. Monde
bursts his ass to finance our life style." She eyes
me. Mihlola.
"Boo kitty that is his world and you are just a
resident in it. Stop feeling entitled. Getting rid ofthe
'wife' wow,did that make you any prettier ordid it
increase your bank balance. From where I am sitting
you're nothing but a dumb breathingplastic who
uses her vagina for financial security."First of all
I'm judging a fellow woman secondly, I don't know
where that came from but it had to be said. I've got
an issue with people who feel entitled while living in
the shadow of someone else,be it your partner or
friend.
"I think we should get going now." Amo says asshe
stands up.
What did y'all say about first impressions again?
The drive home is a quite one,I slowly drift to sleep
on Amo's lap. She brushes my hair until Iam in
deep slumber.
Tomorrow I'm going to East London.
The Good Wife 006

I have just woken up,I have a killer headacheand

my eyes hurt.
I look around, the sun is already out,that meansLiwa
has already left.
Great, I have the whole house to myself. I makemyself
coffee,I hate caffeine.
When I open the fridge,there's a cup with green
contents,'drink me' is attached to it.
I peek inside, take a sip. It smells and tastes
horrible.
I spend most of the day cleaning the house,
dusting the t.v stand and sweeping.
There's really nothing to clean.
I search my backpack, I only have my jail uniform,
the dress Liwa bought me and also theone Amo
bought. I need to buy atleast another 3 pairs of jeans
and some sneaker,preferably affordable ones.
MaZet have me R1750.
That's her savings from the drugs and
cigarettes we used to sell.
I also have to make some contributions in thehouse,I
cannot be living off Liwa. Taking advantage of his
kindness.
I need a job. Not sure where will that leave
me,because I only have grade 11. No matric or
qualification. And with criminal record. My
chances are slim.

I find an exam pad and a pencil. That's it I'm going

to jot down my curriculum vitae. Half waythrough
it,I have nothing to jot down. No qualifications, past
work experience, references.Basically, I am screwed.
I can always go back to school, but I am academically
challenged. I've never been 'smart'academically but I
bursted my ass off to get to the next grade,with my
average marks.

By 4 o'clock I am watching Noot Vir Noot. Thisshit

is boring but I don't know where to change
channels,it took me an hour get this right. What
happened to the good ol day box TVs.
An hour later Amo is back.
"Hi." She says as she throws her gym bag onthe
two seater.
"Long day?" She nods
Something is troubling her.
" Want to talk about it?" She nods.
"Yes,please." I smile.
"I'm pregnant." She starts to breakdown. I pullher
for a hug.
" Honey a baby is a blessing.Talk to me
baby,what's wrong?"
"Everything Slim everything."
"That is understandable boo,you're at the peak of
your medical career and now there's a baby but
you've got this baby. You'll make a great mother."I
don't even know what I'm saying. I justutter every
word that comes to mind.
"You don't get it." She's a bit calmer.
Such delicate discussions are not my forte.What
do I say next?
"I don't want this baby. I don't want it Slim."
Who wouldn't want babies? Well I don't see
myself having one.
"We were both drunk and one thing led to another
and before I know it,he was in betweenmy
thighs.Whispering sweet nothings and that how this
baby was conceived."
"You are losing me right now."I say before I
drown into confusion.
Her thoughts take a different turn. "I
slept with Monde."She confessesI'm
lost and she sees it too.
"Zi's boyfriend." Who's Zi?
" Zi from the party.I slept with my cousin's
boyfriend."
Breathe Slim breathe,try not to judge.
"You slept with Zi's boyfriend, that's good." I
keep nodding.
" No,Slim. It's not,he's my cousin's boyfriendand
now I'm pregnant."
" Its not? Oh right it's not. Cousin. Boyfriend.
Baby." I honestly do not know how to react. In
another compartment of my head,I am trying tomake
sense of all of this love triangle.
"And the worst thing is Liwa is infertile and now-
She starts crying again. I feel a qualm of
unease.The thought of the hurt and betrayalthat
awaits Liwa, makes my heart cringe.
"I cannot fathom the thought of hurting him. He'll
never forgive me."She says in between thesobs.
Honestly, I wouldn't too but then again,this is
not about me.
"Does Zi's boyfriend know?"
Trash trash trash.
She nods
"Isn't Zi the one who got rid of the wife?"I
have a good memory at times.
She nods again.
"This is more complicated than I anticipated."I
murm.
"I don't know if I have anymore options. I just
have to prepare myself for the worse."She
murms.
"The best thing to do right now is to hold on to
yourself. Because when this blows over you might lose
yourself." A half smile turns up in hercorners of her
lips.
My lips also curve up at the edges.
"I need to rest. My feet are swollen." She standsup
and grabs her bag.
"I'll cook." I offer.
"Thank you."
"Amo." She turns to me,"Yes."
"Liwa is a great man."
She smiles,"I know."
" I think there's someone at the gate. Let me goand
check." A second later she's back.
" There's uhm a man looking for you."I'm
confused.
"Me?"No one knows me around here.
"He says he's an old dear friend. He's a bit
creepy."She adds.
I put on my flops.
Who could it be.
" Okay. Let me attend to him."I say
You know when they say the devil is everywhere.
Believe that shit,right now I'm standing before this
vicious animal. He has this stupid smirk onhis face.
His two goons are standing at a distance. Hestill
know I'm not the one to mess with.
"What do you want?"
He cracks into a laughter.
"That's no way to greet an old friend." He lightsup a
cigar.
"You still look so damn fine as I remember.
Some things do not change."He murms
"I couldn't agree more. Robert." I watch his face
carefully as I say this.
"Cain,it's now Cain. Are you well acquainted
with the bible?"He enquires
I feel my teeth clench together.
"You know,you are a hard person to trace.I've got a
proposal for you." He puffs the smoke inmy face.
His body lying lifeless on the floor,a perfectly clear
and vivid memory. It's as if I'm reliving themoment.
"I should've made sure you were dead." I suddenly
feel this murderous fury wash throughmy body.
"You mean your sister."He says calmlyI
stare at him in disbelief.
"I know,my dear beautiful wife tried to kill meand
you took the fall,that wasn't so smart china."He
winks.
"Gods like myself are immortal. Checkmate."
The past definitely has a way of catching upwith
you. Some demons refuse to be buried.
The Good Wife 007 [Very Short]

I shove his business card in my shorts as I turnon my

heel. Why do things have to be complicated in every
turn.
"I'll keep taking people you love away from youuntil
you give me what I'm entitled to." His lastwords.
I'm in a tangled web,no exit.
Another sacrifice has to be made. All in the
name of love.
Things we do for love.
Amohelang is asleep,this will give me more time
to think and maybe come up with a plan.Deep
down I'm convinced that there's no wayout.
I can always disappear but I know he'll pull
some stunt to get my attention.

My deep thoughts are suddenly interrupted byAmo

calling out my name. It's already dark outside.
"You were staring into space. Is everything
okay?"
I cannot miss the concern in her voice
I take a deep breath and turn to meet her gaze.
"Nothing I cannot handle. Don't worry." It is the
thruth, it is a lie.
"Slim,whatever it is. You've got it,I know." For
one endless second it felt she was saying
something else other than what she was actually
saying.
"I didn't cook"she smiles.
"Liwa will bring some takeaways." I watch heras
she moves around the house and for a
second it pains me,the thought of her not being
there,around the house.
"You've got yourself a little cute family, I see. I'msure
you wouldn't want anything happening to them." He
said with his satisfied smirk as he ran his finger on
my lips.
I bite my lower lip way too hard at the thoughtof it.
Had I had gone home,none of this would've
happened.
Robert has his hand full of aces.
"And your father. Imagine what would the
community do to him,if they find out he was a
sellout back in the days. How many people he
'silenced',you black people are your own
downfalls."
I keep running the conversation I had with himin
my head. A million thoughts chased each other
through my head. I have always felt the
need to put others before myself. That has
costed me,my happiness and freedom but Idon't
mind.
Everytime I allow myself to be happy,I know that
tragedy awaits for me not too far. Story of my life.
By 19:45 Liwa is back. He's in a happy place.He
greets and kisses Amo.
My heart bleeds for him,only if he knew.
"Here. I bought you this." He hands me a redand
white small plastic written, Vodacom.
Inside is a cellphone. It has no buttons. It's
rosegold. I like it.
"I cannot accept this Liwa,no.I won't."
"Slim,you're now a part of our little family and
besides I'm sure your mother would love to hearfrom
you." I smile
No one has ever done something this
thoughtful for me.
I stand up and give him a hug.
"You're my family too." I say
Being loved and accepted is a nice thing.
These people barely know me but they've welcomed
me with warm hearts in their little family.This is the
greatest happiness I had everknown.
The thought of Robert hurting them to get tome.
"You have to charge it throughout the night. The
charger and earplugs are inside."
"I can never thank you enough." He gives methat
'it's not a big deal' smile.
He disappears into the corridor.
Amo and I spend roughly an hour with her
teaching me how to use the phone. It's quiteeasy.
She also shows me how to get my cellphone
number.
"There's R55 airtime in here. Courtesy of
Vodacom. It expires tomororw."
By 21:45 Liwa is done with the dishes. Apparently
they take turns,a domesticated man.
I'm glued into this phone.They keep glancing atme
with smiles.
We all retire for the day by 22:13
I pull the business card Robert gave me,it alsohas his
personal contact.
I dial him,he answers on the last ring.
"I'll do it. I'll marry you."I then drop the call.I haveno
idea how this will go about but it's all in the name of
love.
Blackmailed into marriage. Why am I even doing
this?
The Good Wife 008
I'm struggling to sleep, I keep thinking of the
descion I've made.
Right now I'm not proud of myself and I know
MaZet wouldn't be too.
My entire existence is a curse.
By 04 o'clock I am still up, Liwa left an hour agoand
Amo is asleep.
I go in for a shower and for a moment I allow
myself to be weak,vulnerable. I cry until there's
nothing left.
I haven't cried like this in a while. I never succumb
to weakness but right now it's all toomuch,too
heavy. I'm drowning,there’s something else. A
small voice trying to break through, to puncture
the roar of nothingness.

"A price has been put on your head."That was

the first time I met MaZet.
We were playing chess.
There was a rumour going around about a new
territory that has been initiated in the circle.
I was still sealed,innocent which in simple terms
means I was not initiated into any group.
"Leave me the fuck alone, hag."
That night I was stabbed and left for dead in
solitary.
A week later I was forced to kill a human, the
woman who left me to die. I never found outwho
put a price a price on my head. MaZet never told
me.
What I'm trying to say is,I've done things, killed just
to survive. It's something I'm not proud of but it was
survival, I had to stay alive. Kill or bekilled.
Rule number one of survival in prison.
Wardens turn blind eyes on such matters. Life goes
on for everyone. In prison you do what youhave to do
to survive.

As I pondered this,a strange uncalled memoryfills

my head.
A time where I was this hopeless.
Almost an hour later I'm done. I put on my grey
jogging pants and a grey t-shirt. My running shoes
won't make it to the next month. There'sa fog
outside,this t-shirt won't keep my body from
hunching against the cold wet fog.
I'm going for a run.
I stand on the gate scanning the street,I'm most
confident that I will not get lost.
I jog a few miles, nothing beats the refreshing
morning breeze. 6 o'clock is the busiest hour. Imake
it back home without getting lost. I can
tell it's going to rain.
A message from Old Rob, he wants me to gracehim
with my presence, he'll be sending a driver in an
hour or two.
The nerve.
Amo is watching morning news.
"Isn't it way too early and cold for ice cream.""I
eat ice cream when I'm stressed."
" With a fork?"I ask
" I told him about the pregnancy- she trails offfor a
second," he said nothing."she finishes quietly.
I open my mouth to say something, but at first
nothing comes out.
"He loves me,right?"
Her teeth clench, an unconscious response to
tension,I do that a lot.
I'm incapable of speech. My expression,
however, seems to offer the validation she’safter.
I couldn't give her a coherent response.
We both stare at the television,lost in our own
dilemmas.
"I've scheduled an appointment with a gynecologist
this evening. I'm terminating thisfoetus"
For half-second I am distracted.What
do I say?
I gawn my lips for a moment, "I thought you
wanted to keep the baby."I say with evident
shock.
"I'm doing it for Liwa." She
says tapping her feet.
"No you're not. It's our own conscience on the
line,not his."My voice edges up a few octaves.
"Maybe."She answers oddly unsure."Maybe." I
repeat.
"I love him. I love Liwa." There is a faint
undertone of sadness in her voice.
"You'll get through this." As I say the words,I willthem
to be true.
I'm dressed in my jail uniform and an all star
Amo borrowed me. She doesn't get why I'm
dressed like this, neither do I.
I have my afro carelessly combed.
My designated driver has his jaws on the dirt.
"Greetings ma'am."He says as he opens thedoor
for me,I nod in response.
We drive for about an hour.
I keep reading the road signs,a girl can never betoo
careful.
Centurion.
It's a posh resturant, we'll be dinning outside.He's
sitting there going over his cellphone.
I settle in my chair.
I've been getting all sorts of stares and
whispers.
He looks up.
"Quite an interesting choice of clothing."His
tone reveals nothing.

He orders egg benedict for the both of us.

"I'm not eating this." Not that I'm hungry anyway.He
keeps glancing at me every now and then.

For a brief fraction of a second,I realise I've been

giving myself away too many times without
receiving anything in return. Not that Iexpected
anything.
"No." I actually broke into a hysterical laughter.
"No. Huh-uh,I am not doing this. I will not be
blackmailed into marrying a psychopath."I
stand up.
"Go on,do what you have to do but I promise you
this.Touch a single hair strand on either of them. I
will make it my mission to kill you.Then Iwill actually
be imprisoned for something I actually did."

To silent readers:kumnandi ne?

The Good Wife 009[ Very Short]

I've been living with Amo for the past 7 months,Liwa

moved out months ago. Right after the pregnancy
saga he proposed but Amo turned his proposal
down. He was hurting and probably felt he was
losing her.
He never misses any Doctor's appointment andhe
makes sure Amo is well cared for.
I just hope they work things out,maybe the babywill
mend their broken hearts.
Or not,who knows?
I work at a restaurant in Waterfall Park,It's not
something I enjoy but I do what I have to do to pay
the bills.

"Nomzamo, Nomzamo Labane." A sweet voicecalls

out my name.
I turn around.
"Celeste Nhlapho,we went to school together."
"Cici?"
Wow.
We share a hug.
"You look amazing. It's like you haven't aged a
day Zamo." She says,I do not know whether it's
shock or jealousy.
She is dressed in a beautiful white dress.
"Wow, how have you been. It's like you just
vanished into thin air."
"Uhm I've been around,here and there."I say
Silence. Awkward.
"We should meet up some time." She hands mea
business card.
"Yeah we should." I say
"So what is it that you do?" God,No!
Lie.
"I'm a professional chef."
It sounds better like,Hey I was in prison for
thirteen years wuuuhh yay.
"You were always the artist in food and painting,do
you still paint?"
I nod.
"I guess I'll see you then,nice jeans."
I stare dow at my cheap jeans that I purchasedin
small street for a lousy fifty buck.
I fake a smile.
Seeing an old classmate that you shared a desk
with,fest on the same knowledge is like staringat the
mirror and all you can see is all your flaws
exposed,your failure but mostly the disappointment
in your eyes.
For the first time I'm jealous of someone
else,Cici is living the life I envisioned and I'mjust
a mere waitress who probably earns one
hundredth of what she earns weekly.
What a great time to be alive.I
feel so small.
"No,no Slim do not let a lady in a white dress
confound your happiness, your time is coming."
I try to console myself but it's not working. I'mjealous,
angry. I'm a failure. I failed myself.
When we suppress negativity our conscience
processes it into something undesirable,opposing
or resisting negativity only strengthens it.
Honestly it's exhausting and your dreaded
thoughts keep surfacing again and yet again.
We share a hug and she's gone.

Today it's payday yay.I go past Mall of Africa

purchase a few dresses and jeans from Legit, Ipass
by Earth Child and purchase a romper worth
R470, it's twenty percent off from it's retail price.
Amo will love it.
The happiness I'm feeling at this moment is
without precedent.
I'm standing in front of this elevator,I battle
myself whether to get in or not. I'm
claustrophobic.
"Hi." A masculine voice behind.I
try not to smile but fail.
"Hi."
"Makhosini Zulu." He stretched his hand.
"Slim."
I say
"Quite a name Ms Slim." He's got a beautiful
smile,something one cannot miss.
Concentrate Slim.
"Thank you for uhm-
"You're insanely beautiful."
My breathing accelerated, clit throbbing.
The Good Wife 010

By the time I get off,I'm a ball of rage.That stupid

taxi driver had the nerve. I had to be the
accountant, counting the taxi fare and distributing
change.
Humans are literally exhausting.

Inside the house,Amo has turned everything

upside down. All windows ajar.
"What are you doing baby momma?" I ask
taking a long swill from bottled still water.
"I am cleaning. I need to keep busy."
She says wiping imaginary sweat from her
forehead.
More was amiss than she was letting on."You
are nervous."
Deep breathe,"Liwa is taking me out for dinner."So?
"I have a bad feeling about this."
Honestly I too.
"Maybe he wants you to work things out."
White lie.
"No,I very much doubt that,the way that sms
sounded, word for word is unsettling."
She lets out a sigh.
"We have no other choice but to wait."
Time
"Anyway how was your day?"She asks"I
met someone - a man."She smiles.
I couldn't even gather sufficient breath to speak to
him,well at the initial seconds that felt like anhour.
"Really now,love at first sight?"I shake my head.
"More like clit throbbing at first sight." She breaks
into this beautiful laughter. Amo has themost
beautiful laugh,I tell you.
"So nasty."
"Oh speaking of clits,I need a vaginal yeast
infection cream. I detected a nasty odour downthere
when I was showering."
"Check the medicine cabinet, also take the
antibiotics. Don't be intimate for a week." She
winks.
"I was so looking forward into getting laid. Cock
blocker."
She shakes her head in disbelief.
"You are really something else."
I go in for another shower and make a mentalnote
to call mother after showering.
Looking at the huge bathroom mirror,I cannot
get over how beautiful my body is,the scar
below my navel fits in perfectly.
Am I the only one who gets aroused by her own
nakedness.
I wrap a towel around my melanin body. I needto
plait my afro.
I read the instruction on how to use the vaginalyeast
infection cream,it includes lying on yourback.
Squeezing the cream into a syringe-like tubeand
then insert it on your vagina,push the syringe-
like tube end. You're done. It's so
uncomfortable.
Being a woman is a lot of work and having a vagina
is another story. You have to be cautiousof the things
you use to clean it,suitable sanitary towels,panties
and all of that.
Then there's being a woman, having to be always
'woke ' because you live in a society thatis dominated
by vicious animals scientifically identified as male.
We have to be extra conscious and 'woke' at all
times because you don't want deliberately trip and
fall ontop of braJoe's penis,the guy from next door
and have people ask what were you wearing when
we scream of rape or what advances did you make
towards him. Bra Joe would never do that,kaloku
he's an honorable man who is respected by the
community.
I put on my jogging shorts and a vest,I have new
trainees.
I dial mother.
I remember the first time I called her,she brokeinto a
cry.
I promised to visit but I haven't found the
appropriate time. I'm always busy.
" Sanalwam."
We talk for a good thirteen minutes with the telling
me all the township gossip and how thewomen at
church are flirting with the new pastor,apparently
father decided to step down.
We say our goodbyes and I go for a run. The air is
oppressively torpid and quite in the evening. All you
hear is the chanting of young kids and the gossiping
neighbour calling out one another.The Friday buzz of
where to spend the evening.
Cars.People.Care-free.

By the time I get back,Amo is already nicely

cleaned up.
"I cannot decide on what to wear,do you thinkthis
dress will do?" She says lifting up a greybody
hugging dress.
"I was gonna match it up with this white blazer
and grey sandals maybe."
"Amo whatever you put on will look good on
you."
I still don't understand the fuss over picking an
outfit.
I wear whatever my hands grab first. "You're
not helping." I shrug my shoulders

At exactly ten last seven,Liwa is at our front

door.
"Lock up.I will be back before ten." She winks.I
have the whole house to myself, great.

I end up watching some stupid reality

show,Little People.
I can feel myself slowly drifting to slumber, myrings.
Makhosini Zulu,I ignore it, rings again.
On the third call I answer.
"Makhosini Zulu."
"Ms Slim." He says on the other end.
"How are you?"he asks.
"Well,yourself?"
"I too."
Silence.
"This may sound a bit forward but please joinme
for dinner,say tomororw night?"
He's a bit hesitant.
"Are you asking me out?"I ask.
"As a matter of fact,I am."
He says.
"I don't take such people serious." I say.
Silence.
"Ms Slim,have dinner with me." He says boldly
"That's more like it,taking charge." I say"Is
that a yes?"
"Sadly no Makhosini Zulu." I say
He thinks for a while as if weighing my words.
"So she's not interested in my company nor having
dinner with me." He repeats,pensively asif trying to
make sense of the words.
A chuckle.
"I need to work out my courting skills."
I smile
"I could give out a few pointers,you know." I say
suppressing a laugh.
"You don't say!" I
let out a laugh.
"Or maybe I am way out of your league Ms
Slim."
I am perfectly ready to be brutal about my
confession but I decide against it.

The Good Wife 011

I have no idea what time Amo got back but itwas

way past ten. I retired to sleep around quarter to
eleven.

I wake up,take a quick shower, no jogging today.

As I stand in front of the huge mirror in the
corridor I catch my reflection sneering back at
me,"woman look at how far you've come." I smile
and proceed to the kitchen.
It's raining cats and dogs. Looks like we'll haveto
enjoy our Saturday indoors,movies and somehome
made brownies will do. Brownies that's it,bake.
I open the refrigerator,we are almost out of
meat.

Amo wakes up almost 3 hours later.

"The house smells of homemade baking." She
saying stretching her arms.
Amo has one fucked up hygiene routine, she wakes
up;opens the refrigerator gulls down a carton of
milk;burps and then eats whatever herhands grab.
Maybe after watching television for an
hour,decides to shower.
"You have one fucked up hygiene routine." I say"You
sound so Liwa"
She says rolling her eyes.
"So,how did it go?"
She shrugs.
"That bad?"
"He met someone and he proposed."So sudden.
"You seem cool with it. You know we can always
hunt that bitch down and scare her off."I say
jokingly.
She laughs at my stupid suggestion.
"You know I'm just tryin to help a sister out."
"And when we find her we can threaten her withall
sorts of shit. Pluck out her teeth so she looks like
those old colored folks from Cape Town."
We both laugh.
"Nah,that ain't us." We say in unison.
"Honestly I'm actually happy for him. He
deserves better. He suggested we co-parentand I
can keep the house.''
The rain is so heavy outside,lightning pelting the
windows.
"I think we should go back to bed,cuddles?"
I smile and nod.
"Cinnamon milk with brownies will do."
I pack away the utensils and we tuck ourselvesin her
bedroom.
We spend approximately half an hour talking
about Liwa.
Amo is at the right place at the moment
although I still think she's still in denial or
maybe that how she handles things,calmly.

"I reached out to my mother a week ago and

we're meeting for lunch tomorrow."
Her mother, one subject she doesn't really talk
about.
"And how are feeling about it?"
She sighs.
"It's part of my self discovery journey. To heal
and find closure. She's a good woman."
There's a story there.
"I just don't think she has forgiven me yet."
"It's been years baby and I'm sure whatever it
is,you'll work it out."
"This whole motherhood things has set my eyesinto a
whole new perspective. I want my daughter to have
a grandma,a complete family.That means I have to
reach out to my own mother. Life is way too short."
Silence
For a moment I think of my sister,maybe I
should reach out too.
Maybe she will accept me this time around.
A part of me contradicts with my hopeful
thoughts.
Maybe there's no space for me in this worldthat
Nobuhle has created for herself. She's
happy.

"You know there's this Women In Business seminar

that I've been invited to. It's in 3 weeksfrom now. It's
a group of women sharing business ideas,they help
with drawing up a business plan, assist start up
individuals with capital and marketing strategies.
Basically it'swomen lifting up one another and I
think you should come too."
Business has never been my thing.I'm
hesitant, she can see it too.
"Zamo there's more to life that waiting tablesand
scrubbing floors and dishes. I get it,you have to
do what you have to pay the bills but how long
are you willing to wait tables."
I'm suddenly pissed.
"Well not all of us were fortunate enough to
make it. Do you think I enjoy working as a waiter,no I
don't, but what other choice do I have huh? Idon't
have a medical degree like yourself. I'm not educated
or smart as you are." I'm shouting.
" mThat the thing with you. You've built this box
around yourself,where there is no space for growth.
You are afraid of exploring things. Not everything is
about education.There has to be something that
you're good at. Books do not determine one's
intelligence and stop this thingof always
undermining yourself. Go out there and do what
makes you happy. If you are afraidof change,you'll
never amount to anything in this world."

I storm out of the room. All I see is redeverywhere.

The rain has stopped.
I go for a run to calm myself down.
By the time I get back Amo is worried sick."I'm
sorry-
"It's okay."
She pulls me for a hug.

Makhosini Zulu invited me to a house warming,4

days later after I declined his requestfor dinner.

Here I am dressed in a grey jean matched with agrey

knitwear and white Stan Smith sneakers that I
bought 4 months back.

He has requested an uber for me.I'm

so anxious.
Amo keeps assuring me that I look good.The
driver picks me up.
No conversation as we drive to Lord knows
where.

The driver drives into an estate.

I spot Makhosini Zulu standing at a distance.He
tips the driver and we go inside.
I didn't even get to admire the house.
The house is packed. It feels like a business
gathering than a house warming.
I feel basic as hell with my neatly styled afroand
jeans.
Kanti isn't this is party where y'all get hyped upand
have fun.
All I see is uptight people in expensive fabrics.
"I'm so under dressed."I whisper to Makhosini
Zulu.
"You are perfect."
If that was reassurance, it sure didn't work.
"Khosi."A woman calls out his name, he groans.
"Anne-Mary." He fakes a smile that I, had I not
been there would've mistaken for genuine one.
They share a hug.
Makhosini Zulu introduces me but the blondelady
ain't got no time for a black girl.
Ya damn right, I'm playing the racist card.
Abelungu bayadika.
So I just stand there,next to them being my pretty
self as they discuss how they should goabout a
project they're working on.
I'm invisible.

"I'm sorry about that,she's one of those youhave

to tolerate."He says apologetically.
"Thought as much"I murm
He escorts me to a room upstairs,keeps givingnods
to his guests to acknowledge their presence.
We reach the bedroom.
"Can I get you anything?"I
shake my head.
"Again, why did you bring me here,in your
bedroom?"
I must say who ever decorated this bedroom
knows her/his shit.
It feels like there's a story in every piece put
together.
This room is like a map,from the Asian
vase,marble floor in a bedroom,some peopleare
wealthy.
The Roman en suite.
"I want to be alone with you."
"Just so we are clear,you ain't tapping this
booty."
He smiles.
Just then his phone rings.
"Can I take this?"
I nod.
He goes outside the room.
Half an hour he's not back.
I make my way out of the room.I
want to tour this whole house.
On my way down,I bump into a 'wall'I
look up, God damn.
"You need to look where you are going." He says in
a voice that almost has me dropping mypanties.
Who the fuck is this creature?
I get lost in his brown eyes as we initiate a
staring contest.
"Nkosi Zulu." He says.
My eyes immediately go for his shoes.

What do they say again about a man with a

certain shoe size?
It's been confirmed I'm a whore.

The Good Wife 012

"Out with it!"

She's already jumping up and down on my bed."Out
with what?"
"The date silly,how was is it? Did you do the
deed?"
Oh God.
"Amo really?""Did
he like-" Motho
ona!
"Nothing happened Amo but-"
She doesn't even wait for me to finish."But
what-Oh my God,is he like
gay,uncircumcised ohh wait, is he married?"All
these questions in a single breath.
Amo can run her mouth for days,I give her that.
"No.I met his uncle."I say
I can feel my cheeks burning.
"You hoe!"She squeals.
"No,not like that besides Makhosini Zulu is cuteand
all that but he's not my kind'a guy."
"Wow. So you have a 'kind' so tell me about this
uncle,is he hot?"
Amo can be extra at times.
But Nkosi is hot though.
"Drop your panties at first sight hot."I murm
"So you'd rather drop your panties than have a
throbbing clit."
"You had to go there sis,you had to."We share a
laugh.
"You can always have both,play the field you
know."
My mouth flies wide open.
"You such a bad girl, a bad bad girl."
"Church,you game?"
Me and church that's another story.
"They don't tell y'all about black Jesus so I ain't
setting a foot there."
"It'll be fine I promise. We both need it."
No
"Jesus is everywhere mntase."Her
face drops.
"I'm meeting with my mother after church and Iwas
hoping that you can maybe join us. I won'tfeel
comfortable around her. I just need a familiar face,
that's all."
I reach out for her hand.
"There are some things that you have to do onyour
own and I think you should do this on yourown. Do not
let fear immobilize you,It will be fine.I promise."

She takes a deep breath and lets it out

slowly,"Okay,I've got this."
My phones buzzes under my pillow.
Nkosi Zulu.
Did I mention we exchanged number last night.It
ends there,exchanging numbers.
We both ended up in one of the bedrooms not
drunk. He's good company.
Half the time,we stared at each other,a few
glances here and there.
Don't even ask me about Makhosini Zulu.

"Fancy a day out?"

This man is way too forward.
"Alright."
I quickly text back.
He replies in less than a second with an emoji( )

"Hey." He smiles without showing his teeth.

"Here,I hope you enjoy soccer." He hands me ame
soccer t-shirt written Stars FC in bold.
Wow.
"Soccer. Wow."

The drive is a silent one,an agonizing silence.

Nkosi has a huge tattoo on his arm.
I keep stealing glances at him as he drives.
Somebody tell me why am I here,with this man?
Beats me.
"You good?"I
nod.
A wave of awkward silence rolls in.
"So,uncle huh?"
He clears his throat.. "He's
my late sister's son."
He somehow he reads my mind,"HIV/AIDS."
"He's a great kid." He adds
"You make it sound as if you're way too old.""Not
that old,39."
We drive past Malibongwe Dr, there's a soccer
stadium there.
About 17 kids standing next to a Kombi wearingt-
shirts like ours.
The mini stadium is already packed.
Nkosi high-fives all these kids.
He seems to know them one by one.
"Are y'all ready to show them a beautiful game?"
They roars back with a yes.
"These white little boys have nothing on us"One
says,he wearing jersey no.7.
Three seats are reserved for us on the front row."So
you and these kids?"It's a stupid question.
"I'm trying to give them something to hang onother
than drugs."He says
"They all come from broken
places,Alexandra,Braam and Thembisa." He
says
"Their parents?"
"The system was designed against us black people
back in the days,it still is but I don't wantthese young
fellas having to chose between surviving the streets
or being killed in the streets. I want to give them a
choice and football is just a start. Most them do not
have father figures in their lives and the few that has
them,they're crap. All consumed by the game and
survival."
I can tell by the way his eyes sparkle that this is
something he's passionate about.
"Number 10 that's Nico,he lives with his grandma
and they rely on her grant for everything. His
mother was murdered by his father and the old lady
is all he has. Now that kid is going places I tell
you,he sees himself as Pèle and number 7 that's
Lona,she lives in the streets. She's a lot of pride,
never accepts help because she knows nothing is
free in these streets. Crack nearly killed her but she
has beenclean for 109 days."
A lump forms in my throat.
He goes on telling me about each of these
kids,they're all below 17 and they've had it tough.
"And you?"I ask.
"What about me?"
"Do you see yourself in these kids."
He's quite.
"In each and every one of them."
I hold his hand tighter,a way of showing himthat
it's okay. I'm here.
There's a pang in my chest.
By the final whistle the score is 3-2 our boyslost. Nico
scored the two goals.
"Come on,let's feed my stars."
I don't know but all of this is overwhelming.

I watch him as he packs fried chicken pieces and

burgers with fries in a paper bag with so much
love.
I hand out the paper bag and milkshakes toeach
one of them.
Loyiso, the assistant coach is handing themnew
jackets,they're warm.
When we finish we sit around the field,Nico
entertaining us with his township stories.
They are hilarious and some hard to believe.
"How are they going to get home?"
I ask,it's already past six.
"Their driver will be fetching then in five."I
nod.
"What you're doing is beautiful."
I say
"We all have a part to play in our societies. I'm
doing mine."
He smiles.
He doesn't look a bit like Khosi.

The kids are safely inside the Kombi.

"Now,I should take you home."
It's freezing and he's only wearing that Star FC
tshirt.
We are parked infront of my gate.
I stare at my fingers and fumble with them.
Nervous.
"So,I guess this is it."
He says as if it's goodbye of some sort.I
nod.
Is this the part where we hug.
Awkward.
"Goodnight. I had a great time."
He nods.
"Can I call you some time?"
I nod. I'm literally burning up,blushing but it won't
show since I have dark ass cute cheeks.
"Okay. I should get going then."I
nod again.
I do not want him to leave.
I draw circles with my foot on the ground.
"Hug?"
I smile.
We hug and I hold onto him more than I shouldso
does he.
He smells heavenly.

The Good Wife 013 [V.Short]

It's a cold Monday morning and I don't feel like

getting out of bed,there's a bit of a drizzle outside.
My shift starts at 9 o'clock and the time reads
twenty past six.
Being an adult is a struggle on its own.
I just need a break from adulting.
All I can think of is a certain man with a granitehard
cheekbone and beautifully sculpted dark lips that
threatened to send my imagination intooverdrive.

I'm showering with cold water because I didn't

bother waking up to switch on the geyser.
By the time I finish I'm freezing to hell.
I make a mental note to buy a new kettle by theend
of this week,the old one doesn't work anymore.
I put on my black jeans with a pink hoodie that I
bought at H&M with a ridiculous price and my
white chucks.
I've decided to plait my afro some time this
weekend.
Maintaining natural hair should be some sort of
achievement.
I quickly scrabble a note for Amo that I'll be
working two shifts and then slipped quietly from
the house.

It doesn't even take 3 minutes for a taxi to pull

up,I'm running late. Fortunately it is full so we
won't be touring the whole of Soweto.

"Bengisacela ukudrop'a lo sis lana e Vorna

Valley."
The taxi drivers says as he whispers sweet
nothings to the lady in the front seat.
My hands tightened reflexively.
"No,I'll walk."
"Cha sis-
Drawing a deep,steady breath,
"I said I'll walk bhuti."
He drops me a few blocks from my work placeand I
walk on the painfully scorching sunlight.
By the time I reach The Hussar Griller,Melinda is
already barking orders.
I sneak in without her nothing that I'm 3
minutes later.
Punctuality is key.
I quickly sign in for duty,report to the manager and
lastly change into my uniform.
Mel isn't pleased with me at the moment. This
woman notices every single detail.I was just 3
minutes late.

"Slim table 6 is waiting for service."

I quickly search for mini notepad and a ballpoint."Try
to smile.These people are already having a
bad day,they don't need a sulky waitress."
Sometimes I feel like strangling the life out ofthis
bitch.
I fake a smile and proceed to table 6 which is atthe
booth.
It gets worse, I'm serving my lovely sister who'sin
company of Makhosini Zulu.
Great.
Smile,maintain posture. Check.

She looks up and I smile, they already have the

menu.
A heavy silence descends upon the space."Are
you ready to order ma'am."
I say looking at Nobuhle as she goes throughthe
wine list.
"We'll have the house's most expensive wine."
No eye contact.
"Will that be all?"
She dismisses me with a cold nod. Makhosinihas his
eyes on some document.
I pray he doesn't look up.
Fate has an undeniable and unbelievable
wicked sense of humour.
By 9 o'clock I'm dead tired but I've made a few
handsome tips,almost a third quarter of what Iearn.
Some days are better than the others.
"My boyfriend is picking me up,we can drop you
off."Siza says,my colleague.
"No,I'll be fine."
I lie between my teeth.
"Slim,c'mon it's no biggie. It's just a lift."
"Okay,let me grab my backpack."I say.
Just then my phones rings, it's Liwa.
"Hey,no need to pick me up-
"She's gone,she's gone Slim."
His voice sounds so stretchy and raw with
emotion.
"Wait what? Who?"
I'm dumbfounded.
For a moment everything stops,the universe
comes into an abrupt halt.
Gone.
The Good Wife 014

I'm struggling to breath,my whole world has just

collapsed in a blink of an eye.
I have difficulties channeling or interpreting my
emotions,most times I end up shutting the whole
world out.
MaZet used to say my coping mechanism willone
day be the death of me.
How can someone not be there anymore.
"I would trade anything even my life just to see my
babies again. Sethu is turning 7 years today.You
know you'd swear he's my offspring. He's my
spitting image."
I can tell by the way she speaks of her grandsonthat
she's a proud grandmother.
"He'll never know me.My baby will never knowhis
grandmother."
This is my first time seeing MaZet this
emotional.
"Of course he'll know you Ma. I'll make sure of
that."
I say mildly,she manages to smile in betweenthe
tears.
"I don't regret killing him Slim. I don't,given a
chance I'd do it again.That good for nothing
bastard."
I pray I never hate a person that much.

"Apparently they've been trying to get ahold ofme

for days. It's ironic that I never received anyof their
calls."
He let's out a deep sigh.
"I have enough money on my savings for a
dignified burial."
Liwa's eyes leave mine.
"There will be no burial."
He says with a low voice.
"What do you mean that there will be no burial?"
"Her body is now a property of the state It was
handed over to a medical research centre for
medical research purposes."
I feel my breathing gradually creeping towards
hyperventilation.
"That's bull,they cannot do that. Someone's body
isn't a property. There must be somethingwe can do
Liwa. Is it even legal to do so."
"According to he officer who rang me,it is."
"No, Liwa."
I feel helpless and pathetic. After all MaZet hasdone
for me,I cannot even give her a dignified send off.
"Liwa they cannot do that. It's not fair,it's not."
I say with my best calm voice with a trace of
emotion.
"I'm sorry Slim."
At this point I'm very aware that there's
absolutely nothing we can do.
I wonder her children have been informed of
such misfortune.
Death is a misfortune.

There's something about the sun, something sacred

and pure. Beside it marking the birth of anew
day,there is also something beautiful.
Today I choose happiness, despite of all that'sgoing
on,I choose happiness. I bask in it's energy and
radiance.
I spend most of the afternoon cleaning and
keeping busy with whatever I get my handsonto.
I would bake but I do not enjoy baking without
Amo.
It's been a 3 weeks now and
I'm going for a sleep over at Nkosi's house.
We've are well acquainted and don't ask me why
I'd go for a sleep with a guy that I barelyknow..
I'm dressed an oversized t-shirt white t-shirtwith
pink Stan Smiths. My weekend bag is packed.
Amo had to move in with her mother,she's due
anytime this month.
Liwa checks up on me every once in a while. I also
plan on moving out some time soon,a colleague of
mine has an apartment in Vorna Valley,her married
boyfriend bought it for her. I'llbe moving in with her.

I now have braids that go all up in my ass.

It's already past 6 Nkosi pulls up in a Mercedes-Benz
matte SUV,this car literally screams confidence.
"Hi Ms Slim." He smiles flashing a set of
perfectly white teeth.
I greet back.
He loads my weekend bag on the booth.
We share a brief hug,he'swearing a tight fitting
crispy white shirt,with three undone buttons onthe
top, a dark tight fitting jean,white sneakersthat
compliment his jeans and a long maroon
trenchcoat.

Angelina look what you’ve done to me

(Aaaaah eeh)
Girl I be falling falling falling falling for love oh
Adesua look what’ve done to me
(Aaaaaah eeeh)
Girl I be falling falling falling falling for love oh

Honestly there's something about West Africanmusic

that makes me wanna break into a twerk or sway my
hips. Not that I have any.
Ena le that tsa tsa that vibe nje.

"You good?" His eyes flash over and meet mine

"Good."I say.
I suddenly feel nervous around this man.
He laughs, a beautiful soft enchanting laugh.
"I'm not gonna bite that's unless you want meto."
Depends on what you consider biting, my velvet
cake.That I wouldn't hesitate.
Hoe Alert.
"I want you to." I blurt out unthinkingly."What
was that?" He sounds amused."Nothing."
He chuckled under his breath.A
'mhh' follows.
We arrive at his house which is in Bryanston
drive, Beluga.
It's an estate.
He parks in his designated parking area.
Unloads my bags.
He opens the door for me, such a gentleman.The
house is everything that I'd go for.
The way every piece fits perfectly is enough proof that
credit goes all out to a certain interiordesigner.
"You have a stunning house."
"I have a particular taste in everything.Thank
you,something to drink?"
Champagne will do but I don't dare voice out
that.
"I'm hungry."
He leads me to the kitchen which has that
homely feel to it.
Everything is well put except for the yellow
Smeg fridge.
It's so out of place but then there's also a yellowkettle
and sandwich toast.
Marble floor all over.
This man is money.

"I hope you like pizza because I didn't have timeto

cook."
The house is so quite.
"Pizza is okay."
He warms it in the oven.
The microwave would've been the simplest wayif you
ask me.
"There's someone that I'd like you to meet."He
pulls a chair across me.
"You're married."
He smiles.
"Maybe."
TF!
My face drops.
"I'm kidding babe,lighten up."
I lift my eyes up to him and he's gazing with
probing intensity into my eyes.
"I think I need to pee."
I say, he directs me into the bathroom which is
upstairs.
I jog up and shut the door behind me.
That was close.
I splash my face with water,"Oh thy Lord lead me
not into temptation."I repeat the prayer several
times until I feel a commanding presence behind
me. Something is poking me.
My knees won't carry me much longer but rightnow
I need to get out of this bathroom.
I lift up my eyes to the huge mirror. He's
standing behind me with a look that I cannot
exactly read.
He presses his body onto mine,his hands
secure my waist.
"Food is ready."
He whispers into my ear and I feel his lips onmy
neck. My hair stands for attention,my breathing
has hitched.
Good lord.
Before I know it I'm in his bedroom naked,I haveno
idea how we got here. He's the one who undressed
me.
I watch as he slowly unbuttons his shirt,it's likehe
has all the time in the world. His pants follows and
he's then left with his boyleg.
He is huge, I can from his dickprint which is just
staring at me with what I think is a Kuzonyiwa typa-
stare.
He parts my thighs with his muscular legs.
His lips on mine,his lips on my neck. He goesup to
nibble my ear and I moan involuntarily.
He then lifts me in a way that my legs are securing
his waist and his firm hands under myass.
My clit is throbbing and it's a river down there.
We continue kissing, he lays me gently on thebed
and leaves trails of kisses up to my navel.
He uses his other free hand to remove my
thong.
He kisses the space between my thighs andthen I
feel his tounge on my clit.
I grab the sheets a little bit tighter,my breathquivers
and my waist up in the air.
It's too much.

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The Good Wife 015

Last night left me with mixed emotions,

anger,hurt and somehow I felt betrayed.
Nkosi denied my red velvet cake that I had
served him on a silver platter.
It was all good,him going down on me but whenhe
tried to thrust in it went downhill.
He kissed me goodnight, pulled me closer for astupid
cuddle and that was pretty much it.
A horrible thought grips me,maybe I had a smelly
vagina or he didn't find me arousing orworse.
After all the First time sex101 I had with
Amohelang,he denies me his stupid penis.
Well I did not exactly voice out that I am sealed.
From what I have gathered, it's a turn off to
most man.
I played all my cards right only to be denied an
orgasm well a coitus orgasm.

He left the bed almost an hour ago while I was

pretending to be asleep.
I didn't even sleep,I kept tossing and turning, notto
mention the nightmare I had.
It's quite amusing actually,I dreamt that my red
velvet was an actual tadpole.

He walks in with a wooden tray,I'm already up. Ithas

porridge, I hate everything that has maize meal. I
had enough pap I jail to last me a lifetime.
His broad,glistening naked shoulders are so
'scrumptious' that I almost imagine myself
doing the unthinkable with them.

"Goodmorning,I hope you had a pleasant night."I try

to smile but fail,I want to cry so badly.
I feel rejected,unworthy and disgusting.
"You are mad." He eyes me carefully. I'm doing my
best to keep my tears at bay. I look down
"Hey look at me."There's so much gentleness and
authority in his voice that I feel the instant need to
oblige.
"Did I do something wrong?"
You did everything wrong, it's moment like
these where I feel so vulnerable,so naked.
"Am I-am I ugly or unappealing to your eyes?"I'm
way too hurt to speak coherently.
A moment of unbearable silence settles
between us.
"Slim if we are going to do this,I want us to do itthe
right way. I barely know you and I don't feel
comfortable bedding a stranger and trust me last
night I wanted to go all the way in but it feltwrong, it
felt like I was taking advantage of you.''
"But I wanted you to."
''You are a virgin and you did not feel the need to
tell me,to me that means you do not trust meenough.
That was something you should've voiced out before
we went all the way in. For me this is something
else,something too deep and somehow I cannot
figure it out and it's so frustrating that it scares me.''
"Between the kissing and all I couldn't find
time."
White lie.
"We both know that is a lie.I do not even knowyour
real name."
"Nomzamo, my name is Nomzamo Labane.""I
am Nkosi Brian Ojokwor."
Wait what?
"But Makhosini Zulu and-
"No you made that all up,Makhosini is my
nephew. His mother is my adoptive sister andwe
were both adopted by our late mother Refiloe
Zulu but I was old enough to keep mybiological
surname and Khosi was left at her doorstep.''
He goes on telling me about his childhood andhis
adoptive mother whom he holds dearly in his heart.
''She died when I was 20.''
The tone of his voice has now changed.
"How did she die?"
I know I might've sounded insensitive but I feltthe
need to ask.
"She got involved with a married man,the wife
found out and you know what they say,"a scorned
woman hath hell no furry."
"Yeah"

Out of all the things I could've said, an

insignificant 'yeah' was the meanest.
"That doesn't matter anymore, none of them liveand
the wife was sentenced to life imprisonment."
His cold dark lips onto mine,gently squeezesmy
naked butt.
He gently shoves his tounge in and I welcomehim
with mine.
I'm a good fucken kisser,that I know. Let's justsay I
had quite an experience in jail.
Y'all be sleeping on 30 year old virgins,jokes onyou.
Dangerously inlove is playing on the
background.
I get on top and I can tell he's a bit
uncomfortable,judging by the way he shifts his
weight.
I grind on him a bit,his lip between his teeth,breath
sallow.
It's a sultry scene to watch.My
inner hoe is out to play.
I want to have my wicked ways with him so
damn badly.
This man is hot property yesses.
I am under his body,his nakedness .
I use my other leg to remove his boyleg and thefeel
of his manhood between my inner thighs sends my
clitous on mild vibration.
If you stop you will kill me.
He lifts his t-shirt that I'm wearing in a way thatIt
only covers my eyes and head.
His breathe on my neck sends me into mild
orgasm.
Tis too much for my insanity.
He bites my nipple with so much pressure whilehis
finger is doing wonders in the folds of my lady part.
I suddenly feel the fierce urge to cry,moan no one
has ever been this kind to my body.
Such gratitude to a woman's body is a threat to
womankind.
He brings his lips onto mine again, they are wetso is
everything.
A shift in his weight.
"This is gonna hurt but I need you to be still for
daddy,okay?"
I cannot help but nod.
My hands pinned over my head with his hard
hand restricts any movement.
He thrusts and my body is up in the air. It hurtsso
badly but I want more.
Four thrusts and he is in way too deep.
I send a silent gratitude to his forefathers forsuch
gifted manhood.
The porouness and fungubility of our bodies aswe
instantly became one,one soul moving uniformly. We
are so ductile that we became each other.
It feels as if time stands still while the universeawaits.
The excruciating pain is now of a forgotten past.
Pleasure runs though my body that I feel my vaginal
muscles contract secreting a fluid that makes my
breathing hitch. It is all too much andtoo little that I
need more and less. The way I hold onto him,onto his
naked body, bare soul.
So much sweat and the room smells of sex.
''That was beautiful and thank you for trusting me
with your body." He kisses my lips then my
forehead.
"Put on your shoes,we are going out.""I
still need to shower Nkosi."
"I love my scent on you. The smell of our
lovemaking."

'I no go play with yur luv ohI

no go do you like that oh My
baby I know how e start
Forever I go dey by your side o
Amaka garu oh
Oya chop my money o
I no go do you jukpa o
You dey turn my radio oI
say Amaka garu o Chop
all of my money o
Eluku dance no be jukpa o
Baby girl say you try for me, try for me o
Say girl you do me something wey nobody dome
oh
Girl I no lie, girl I no lie
Girl you do me something wey nobody do meoh.'

This man has my taste In music, Tekno's voicedoes

t-hings to my body yo.
We are driving to the nearest cafe for a
breakfast date.
"Zamo I want you be my woman."He bluntlyputs
it.
"Say please."I
say.
"Zamo please be my woman." I nod with a smile."I
want to hear you say it,out loud."
"I will be your woman Nkosi only if you'll haveme."

The Good Wife 016

There is something about time,it waits for no one. If

you want to live you have go let go of thepast.

This room is so impersonal,everything is so

white. It lacks that personal touch and feel or
maybe white is someone's personal touch.
Either way Nkosi's room is white.
I have a missed call from Amo, I ring her back."Baby
momma."
She sounds so jolly.
"Girl I have a lot to tell. I did the deed with
Nkosi."
"Ausi do not leave me hanging. I want to knowevery
little detail. Do not leave out anything andI mean
anything. How was it?"
"Pain before pleasure.He has this alpha male
demeanour even in the sheets"
I go on telling him every nitty gritty detail.
"Girl you finally popped the cherry. My hoe
expertise came in handy."
''You such a hoe."
I say amused
"I'm hurt like really hurt."
A laugh follows, Amo has one beautiful laugh."But I'm
one beautiful hoe babes."
I'm rolling my eyes,a trait I acquired from her.
''Is it normal for a first timer to have a queef andhe
went down on me.''
"So?"
I can tell she's rolling her eyes.
"You're the one who told me that I have one weird
looking vagina and what if it's really ugly."
"Your man sees a lot of vaginas girlfriend.''I
want to laugh so bad.
"He kinda opened up about his life and I feel sobad
because I did not feel the need to tell him about
mine,you know prison and all."
"You did not have to sis, whenever you are
ready you will. Not all of us are as trusting as heis
and do not beat yourself up. You are not ready to
walk him through that chapter and that's
understandable but do not take too long."
I nod,maybe I'm fortunate to have a man like
Nkosi although I barely know him.
But as much as I try to see myself as
fortunate,the thought does not really fit the
reality.
"He knows that I work at a restaurant as a
waitress and he doesn't mind but I do. I don't want
him to see himself as my financial breakthrough.
How did you and Liwa work around the whole big
bank meets small bank.''
I know this financial gap between us will someday be
an issue, that is if this relationshipworks.
"Well in a relationship you see beyond your tax
bracket,a relationship is about two people who
love each other,their bank accounts do not matter.
See ,there will be time where you feel like you
contribute little to the relationship financially and
you should use that as some sort of encouragement
to go out there and getyour paper. Going back to
the conversation wehad weeks back, I think it's high
time you breakfree from your little box and use the
money you've managed to save to start up
something little. Being financial dependant on a
man is never a wise thing because you do no know
when will shit hit the fan."
This issue has been stirring me awake for a
while and I'm glad I had this talk with Amo.
Maybe we all need a little push in the right
direction every once in a while.
"Yazi I always say this, the strength and fragilityof
the human body amazes me.I sometimes look back at
how far you have come and honestly I'm proud of
you. You had every reason
to give up but you kept pushing and I might not say
this frequently enough but woman I admire your
strength."
The most thing that I'm grateful for is that we do
not look like what we go through and that isthe
greatest gift to humankind.
"I am meeting up with Liwa's girlfriend
tomorrow. He invited me for lunch."
I blurt out unthinking.
Silence follows"I
am sorry."
I feel the need to apologise. I just don't want tobe
biased on the situation.
"It's okay Zamo. Liwa has moved on and I willalso
have to."
"For now we hate her?"
"For now we hate her."
She says back and we then break into another
stupid laugh.
"We are so two faced it hurts."
Another laugh.
A few minutes later I end the call.
I cannot believe this man left a stranger in his
house. Some people are really trusting, can never
be me.
He is a chief surgeon and I do not know how wewill
find balance in this relationship. With him always
on call and me doing two shifts. There will be
always someone who needs him more than I do.
It's exhausting.
Just then my thoughts are interrupted by thering
of the doorbell.
I still smell like sex, I really need to shower.By
the way I walk anyone can tell that It had
been a rough night.
At the door I'm met by one beautiful,well dressed
light woman. It's as if she walked outof a fashion
magazine or catalogue.
I blink twice trying to comprehend such beauty.Her
well curved petite body. Her long neatly shaved legs
would have any man or woman drooling. The black
transparent top she's wearing show her perky
breasts my eyes fall onher tiny waist. She's
impossibly beautiful and her smile God damn she
has a smile.
The cry of a small baby brings me back to the
living. She's holding a baby and has a mini pink
suitcase behind her.
"Hi"I manage to say. She smiles.
"Hi, is Nkosi around?"
I shake my head,suddenly incapable of speech."I'm
Fifi and this is our daughter."
I suddenly remember to breathe, I have been
holding my breath.
She hands me the baby and I absently mindedtake
it.
This is all surreal.
"Give him this."
She hands me an envelope. My mind has
stopped functioning.
"You're beautiful."
She says as she turns on her heels. I want to say
something but my words are trapped in my
oesophagus. I stand at the door motionless.
What the he'll was that?
The baby starts crying hysterically.
Lord.
What a great way to start a relationship, an
instant stepmom. Wow!
The Good Wife 017

I watch as the baby with no name is sleeping

peacefully.
Only if she knew, I'm trying very hard not to
judge Fifi but I cannot help it.
I was so caught up in her beauty that I couldn'tsee
how conniving she is.
How could a beautiful woman like Fifi abondensuch
a cute baby.
The answer is waiting at the forefront of my
mind,if she loathed this child she would not have
carried it the whole gestation period.
Maybe she realised she was not ready to
mother a child
As much as I wanted to see the good in this situation I
am quickly corrected with a dose ofreality. I'm going
to be an instant mom.
The clock reads fifteen minutes past eight, Nkosi
will walk in any moment from now. I keeptapping my
foot against the cold floor to expend the nervous
energy that is building up.

I can tell by the way he is walking that he is

exhausted.
I embrace him with a warm hug.
"Long day?"
He nods.
"I lost 2 patients, a pregnant teenager and Joe,95
with a brain tumour. How was your daybaby?"
"Your baby mama,Fifi was here and you have a
sleeping baby upstairs."
His shock is palpable. "Nkosi"
I prompt him gently.
He seems to be walking down an undesired
memory lane.
"Did you say Fifi?"It's more of a statement thana
question.
A loud fuck follows.
"I know her and we hooked up a few times,well
more than a few times and that was that.
Besides she is a stripper, when she called me
informing me of the pregnancy I knew she was
lying."
I'm trying to keep my anger at bay,this has to bethe
most courageous thing I had even done.
Wow
"You did not believe her because she is a stripper
or because you used protection. Youused
protection Nkosi right?"
I hand him the sealed envelope, he reads it in
silence.
"She is gone,out of the country."He
stratches his head thinkingly.
"You have not answered my posed question."
He exhales heavily and his eyes meet mine andthe
contact feels strangely awkward,guilt.
I'm trying my best to tread lightly but I am being
tested.
"No"
A simple word layered with the thruth. There isa
high chance that she might be his.
I battle with myself to resist an overwhelming urge
to lash at him but truthfully I have no right.
He had a life before me.
"So you knew you had a baby that might be
yours but you refused to acknowledge it
because her mother is a stripper. How
misogynistic of you,don't you think Nkosi?"
"That baby cannot be mine."
His voice is a bit on the high side.
"There's a sleeping baby upstairs and Nkosi youwill
keep your voice down. We will have a decent
conversation and none of us will raise our voice. I
won't repeat myself. Now breathe."
I can be reprimanding at times.He
sighs.
"The only viable alternative option I have is a
DNA test."
"Okay what then?"
"If it is mine I will do what is expected of me asa
father."
"And if she isn't yours?"
He does not answer.
"You will not put that baby through that,having
nurses withdrawing blood from her or whatever
procedure you follow. Wait until she is old
enough and I see no reason why her mother
would lie knowing that you are a doctor."
"Are you going to walk out on me?" An expression
of bewildered wonder crosses hisface.
I sigh,I have not given this much thought. I feelhis
hand on my arm. It is more like a plead.
"No" I finally say.
"I am not going to walk out on you. Refreshen
up,your food is in the warmer and I hope you find
one of the spare rooms comfortable. I needto bath
the baby."
I had to watch YouTube videos to learn how towash
a baby.
I've already made a list of things Nkosi needs tobuy
for this baby including a baby tub.
"We will figure this out Nkosi. I will call in sick
and you will write me a doctor's note and we will
take it from there. I have also made a list ofall the
necessities we will need and that includes condoms
and contraceptive pills for me. Ohh Nkosi she does
not have a name."
"Zamo."He pauses the sighs.
"Thank you." I nod.
After I finish bathing the baby she falls right
back to slumber. I change into my warm
pyjamas then switch off the lights.
I am woken up by cold hands pulling down
pyjamas.
Lord help me.
"Nkosi yintoni ngoku?"
He takes my hand into his hard cock.
"Ngizayifaka kancane baby."
His breath is shallow.
"Nkosi there is a baby in this bed for godsake.""She
won't even know what's going on. Please."
Ndiyalingwa
"Get in behind me but not funny business."I say
annoyed.
Minutes later I feel his hard cock thrusting in. I let
out a moan. As annoyed and mad as I am,I still
want sex.
"Shh. Her name is Isabella Star."
He nibbles my ear.
Lord take me now.

The Good Wife 018

I need to call my mama,she picks up on the lastring.

"Ndisecaweni mntanam"
She is whispering and she cuts me off.Just
then an incoming call from Amo. "Babes."
She goes on telling me how much her mother
irritates her and she's getting this bad vibe fromher
husband.
She's literally lashing out.
"I am clearly unwelcome in here and there havebeen
arguments in the bedroom. The last thing Iwant is to
break a perfect family."
"Amo you do not have to stay there,come
home."
She sighs.
"I have just found my mother and it feels like I'm
losing her all over again. It feels good to have her in
my life again but still I do not want to divide her
family. My siblings see me as an
illegitimate child who is tying to break up their
parents' marriage. I know mama is happy that Iam
here but I cannot shy away from the fact that that is
causing problems in her marriage, Ihonestly do not
want this to escalate to a pointwhere she'll have to
choose between me and her family."
Her voice keeps breaking.
"Amo come home,I hate that you're out there
hurting and I cannot do anything about it.
Mahikeng is making you cry. Please come back
home. I will help you with the baby wherever I
can."
"I do not want you worrying about me Slim. I ama
grown ass woman and I can take care of myself.
How are you?"
I breathe heavily.
"A lot has happened yesterday."
I fill her up on yesterday's turn of events.
"A baby wow,but don't you think DNA is the wayto
go about this whole situation. It doesn't necessarily
mean drawing blood from the baby,Nkosi should
have told you that. Okay,let's sayyou do not going
about with the whole DNA situation,years later
when you all attached to this baby. It turns out it
was not Nkosi's child.
Would you forgive yourself knowing that you made
him fall inlove with this child and the emotional
attachment that he had grown to develop. You should
be supporting whatever Nkosi decides on not dictate
what he should orshould not do."
I sigh.
"Babes this is not about you but Nkosi and an
innocent child."
"She's just a baby Amo.Can he wait until she'sold
enough?"
"A child can never be old enough Slim. Nkosi
deserves this much."
Deep down I know she is right but I am to
selfish to admit it.
"Talk to him and see how he feels."

After I end a call with Amo,I go in for a quickshower.

I have already fed Star and she's sleeping.This
baby loves sleeping.
A soft knock on the door.
"Hi I'm Apryl,Nkosi asked me to drop these
things off."
She lets herself inside the house.
She's beautiful and I couldn't have missed her
beauty even if I tried.
The way she moves around I can tell she is well
familiar with this place, she's been here before
plenty of times.
"So you are the new woman in his life. Nkosi is
great guy."
"Nomzamo, my name is Nomzamo not the new
woman in Nkosi's life."
She smiles. Her dreadlocks are tinted with a bitof
bronze and a dark shadow of green.
She has tattoos on her neck that one can mistaken
her for an inmate or a gang member.
A piercing in her left eyebrow and lower lip.

"I did not mean it like that and my sincerest apology if

I did offend you in any way possible."
I nod as a way of accepting her apology,she
gazes at me Intently.
"He told me about the child." I nod again.
"Uhm can I please see her."
Her hand lingers on my lips as we make ourway
upstairs.
"You have such beautiful dark lips."She murms
tracing her finger absentmindedly on my lips.
The gentle friction of her fingernails against mylips
sends shivers down my spine.
Her touch feels so foreign.
I suddenly become too self conscious and there's
also this brewing sudden compulsiontoo.
"She's sleeping so peacefully,I cannot remember
the last time I was that peaceful."
She keeps caressing the baby's face softly.
I stand by the door watching her,she also has
tatoos on her ankle. Is there a part in her body that
I'd not inked?
"I should get going."
I make space for her to pass but somehow she
leans closer to me,embraces me in a warm hug.It
feels so tight and I could swear I felt her lips on my
neck.
Maybe the embrace was an innocent gesturebut it
did not change the effect it had on me.
"It was nice meeting you Zamo.You really are as
beautiful as Nkosi makes you out to be."
I feel this instant urge to ask.
"Are you Nkosi's colleague?"She pauses and
seems to select her next words carefully.
"That and his ex wife."
I take a moment to collect myself, such a huge
revelation.
The more Nkosi's past life surfaces the more Ifeel two
faced.
"I'll see you around."
I do not know how to feel about this recent
revelation as much as I try to remind myself
that he had a life before me,it's not working.
The door shuts and the silence around me
belies the frantic pace of my thoughts.
And then it hits me I have been sleeping with a
complete stranger that I think I know so has he.
The Good Wife 019

I have decided on not confronting Nkosi,maybe we

have not reached that level where we share such
infidelities.
Star has been crying non stop,I have changed her
diaper twice and fed her but still she won'tstop.
I put her down and watch her scream her lungsout.
She has even turned pink,I am exhausted and
before I know it I'm also crying.
"Star please stop crying."
As if I poured fuel in a blazing wild fire,shestarts
wailing.
I cannot do this no more,I feel like pulling myhair
out.
To think that some people go through this daily.
I move around the house with Bella on my arms,I
sing every lullabye I know of but it seemslike the
sound of my voice sets her off.
I am very much aware that I'm a terrible singerand
I have made peace with that.
With every ounce of strength I try not to screammy
lungs out.
Almost an hour later she's finally asleep.
God I will not be popping little grelims any time
sooner.
Nkosi has really turned my life upside down. Itis as
if I have transformed into this whole new person
overnight.
I'm gradually losing my freedom and this is nothow
I imagined my life.
I take frantic gulps of still water, I need the
negative energy to throb off.
I spend the next few hours dotting down some
business ideas, I want to start small,a foodtruckbefore
I open up my own restaurant.
I have some crazy recipe Ideas courtesy of
triple D and all these food networks shows.
I might add local cuisines and all around the
world delicates.
I just want to sell something different fromwhat
I am used to.
I am not planning on using genetically modified
ingredients.
I must have fallen asleep because I am wokenup by
Bella's loud chuckles.
No 6 month is this exhausting.
Nkosi is playing with him,I did not even hear thedoor
unlock nor his footsteps.
"Hey baby." I check the time,quarter past six.He
is home early,3 hours early.
"Hey.You just got here?" He nods and plants akiss
on my cold and dry lips.
"I brought pizza."
Atleast I won't have to cook.
I scan around the room, my papers are all overthe
floor.
"You look fresh."
His disappears into the kitchen with Bella on hisarms,
I clean up the huge dinner table.
"Chicken mayo and bacon or mushroom and spare
ribs." His voice taunts from the directionof the of the
doorway.
My stomach rumble,"both babe."
I stand at the doorway and watch him move
gracefully around the kitchen,everything abouthim
keeps inviting me.
Bella is laughing her pink cute ass out.
Uzathanda amadoda lomntana.
"You have a nice butt Mr Zulu Ojokwor." I
complement him.
"And my hands are twitching to spank yours."
"I am sure they are babe." He lets out a
soft,seductive laugh.
"So Apryl. You did not mention you were once
married."
I'm trying to be causal about all this.
"It was not your ideal marriage, just an
arrangement."
"Is that what we call marriage these days, just an
arrangement. Must be nice, don't you thinkbabe."
Just the the sound of the microwave interruptsus.
Saved by the beep.
"Hot chocolate or juice?"
"Do not do that Nkosi."
He lets out another soft chuckle.
"Apryl is nothing more than a friend baby. I
promise."
"Well must be a good friend then for you to have an
arrangement with, that's what you call it right, an
arrangement?"
"Okay come here."
He lifts me up and places me on the kitchen
counter and him between my legs. He glancesat my
naked thighs and his eyes glint with mischief.
"Apryl is a lesbian, always has been. She's fromthe
Dominican Republic and the reason we
married was for her to get a working visa and
permanent residence. She had 17 people that rely on
her, the only breadwinner. She is also mybest
friend."

I feel like he's leaving something out.

"She's also one of my father's illegitimate
children just as I am."
He tenses and his voice changes at the mentionof his
father.
He barely talks about his biological parents,wellI
have just met him so I guess it's another intimate
level we have not reached.
I close my eyes and breathe in deeply."I
am sorry,I should not have -"
"Baby you did not know and when the word ex- wife
comes to mind you only think of marriage not an
arrangement and I am glad you voiced
this out."
His warm hand closed around mine.
"Wanna know something amusing."
I nod. This man has the most flirtatious smile.
"You are actually my first real girlfriend, before you
I was playing the field,never had a real relationship
just a few one night stand here andthere and casual
sex."
"I know you're lying to my ass."
Kaloku uNkosi is hot property, it can't be that hehas
never dated before.
Bella is still fast asleep in his arms which reminds
me that we have to go all over the DNAissue again.
"I swear babe,in high school I was the ugly duck.Way
too dark and I battled with acne back then.I was so
focused into my studies and in my lastyear,I think I
was sixteen, the hottest girl in
school broke my virginity. The next day it wasall
over school,one of the most bitter sweet moment
of my life."
He lets out a frustrated sigh this time around.
"Since then I never trusted any girl. That bruisedmy
self esteem not that I had any. All my life I had to
fight for acceptance. The environments Ientered
were designed against people like myself so I had to
fight and break boundaries. Iremember my first time
in a hospital in Bloemfontein, they mistaken me for
an errand boy and again the fighting for acceptance
began. I had to fight for my father's acceptanceand
love, which I never got and I have had to-"
I don't want him to go on anymore.
"Please stop. I don't want you to go on." My voice
sounds so strange that I barely recogniseit.
It is like my words are being forced through a
pile of pebbles in my throat
"Nomzamo I have a mental illness,bipolar. I attend
therapy two times a month and take mypills
regularly."
Silence.
I want to also open up but I cannot seem to findthe
right words. I feel suffocated, I need to breathe.
It's already dark outside so a walk around the
estate is no option.
"I need to put Bella down."
I watch as he walks out of the kitchen and say
nothing.
Moments later I hear the front door shut.I
am not the only one who needs air.
The time read forty seven minutes past elevenand
Nkosi is still not back.
My eyelids are so heavy. I decide to retire to
slumber.
I am abruptly woken up my the sound of glass
breaking. I look behind me,no Nkosi. Bella is still
fast asleep.
I quickly put on a robe and reach for my cell. Idial
Nkosi and it sends me straight to his voicemail
box.
I grab the bedside lamp and tiptoe downstairs.
Then I see him curled up in a corner,shower
glass all over the main bathroom. His hands
bleeding.
"Mama I'm sorry." He keeps rocking himself
back and forth.
I gently put the lamp down and crunch down next to
him. I hold onto him and he let's out thispainful cry
that rips my heart apart.
We stay in the same position for over an
hour,my ass hurts.
I stand up and reach for his hand. Blood all
over,this bathroom looks like a crime scene.
I lead him upstairs and we leave trails of bloodon
our way up.
When we reach our en suite I gently take off his
clothes,the shower water is cold but it will have to
do.
I also strip naked and we step into the cold
shower.
I squeeze the shower gel into my hand and
gently scrub his back.
We stay there for a few more minutes and letthe
cold water wash away our unknown sins.
The Good Wife 020

It's a few minutes past the hour six,Nkosi is fast

asleep next to me.
"What happened to you?" A thought to myself Ikeep
caressing his soft skin.
A lot of question flooding through my mind.
I spend the next hour looking up the internet on
mental illnesses.
Some cases are worse that the others.I let
out a sigh.
Something tells me I might lose myself in this
relationship.
A sharp pang in my heart that leaves me out ofair. I
steady my breathing and step into the patio, it has
become my private sanctuary.
Clouds ring the horizon, but a large patch ofblue
is visible in the middle,it might rain.

"Goodmorning." He sounds composed.

I turn around and meet his intense gaze. My voice is
still rough,I try to clear my throat quietly.
"Hey babe."He raises one eyebrow, and the faint
trace of a smile lightens his face.
"I made you tea,no sugar." He hands me a warmcup
of tea.
"You hardly slept."I think for a moment,
wondering whether the truth or a lie would goover
better.
"Period cramps." Half thruth half lie.
I sigh,I have been dreading this conversation."I'm
sorry."I add.
"Nomzamo"he calls my name, watching myface
carefully,"What are you apologising for?"My
head spins around in answerless circles.I
shrug,I wish I knew what I was apologizing for.
"Are you going to leave me?"I am gripped in a
sudden agony of despair as I consider this
alternative.
Should I stay or should I go, the answer is at the
forefront of my mind.
"I do not plan on walking out on you." I say
truthfully
"I do not expect you to stay Zamo.You deserve
better, not a half man."
"That is my choice to make Nkosi and I have
already made one.I am sticking to it."His
expression is distracted.
"And when it gets worse to a point that I hurt you?"I
feel a tingle of fear slither down my spineand settle in
my stomach.
"You will never hurt me Nkosi."
I am more trying to convince myself than him."Do
you honestly believe that?"
Do I?
"I do Nkosi."He exhales sharply.
''What's wrong Nkosi?" My voice comes out in a
whisper.
"I do not want you to feel trapped in this
relationship. You owe me nothing Nomzamo. You
deserve better than what I could ever give."
"Why are you doing this Nkosi, why did you eventell
me in the first place? Right now you are creating an
exit strategy for me and this gap that you are
welding will not work on me. Comeup with
something better because I am not leaving. Got
that? Good."
"Some day I will hurt you Nomzamo."
The word seem inadequate,I cannot think of a
better response.
"I do not care Nkosi. I want to be here with you."I'm
more pissed.
I jog upstairs and take a quick shower.
Just when I am about to step out,Nkosi joins
me. His presence is something you can notmiss.
His hard manhood presses hard on my ass andhis
hands cup my breasts. A wet kiss on the neck and a
little bite on my ear. No one is saying anything.
I involuntarily turn around and our lips lock, he
claims my mouth so do I. My heart skips a bit as he
lifts me up,my long legs wrap around hiswaist.
I let out a soft cry as he roughly suck my
breast,my head falls back.
His index finger purposefully trails down my
torso to my soaking wet folds.
This one can multitask. I bring my head to hisneck
and it stays buried there.
He gently puts me down and I know my disobedient
legs won't maintain balance. My back makes rough
contact with the cold shower
tiles wall and I let out another cry, he lifts my left
leg to his waist and gently thrusts in. My nails dig
into his naked back as he keeps thrusting. He picks
up pace prompting a moanto escape from my lips
and his name falls frantically from my trembling
lips.
I'm slowly losing balance,he keeps groaning, weare
both close to climax. A few thrusts and he releases
his cum.
I've lost balance, he holds me steadily as I
convulse violently from the after effect of my
recent explosion.
Tis man is a wildhorse.
"Thank you." His voice is fervent with gratitude.
We step out of the shower and he helps me
lotion.
I still need to bath Bella. I put on a robe and
switch on the heater.
This little girl is a little mermaid,she loves water.Her
father keeps taking some pictures.
Once she is dried up and lotioned I pick up a pink
and grey winter romper and a white babyhoodie.
She's now warm,we are going out.
"Did you pack the stroller and her food. Make
sure the car is warm enough."
He nods.
I still need to go for driving lessons. Argh.
I settle for my yellow pants with a black
polaneck, a yellow oversized blazer and my
white sneakers. I let my braided hair loose.
Nkosi opens the passenger door,holding it as Istep
in.
Bella is safely strapped in her car sit. He walksaround
the front of the car. This man exudes confidence.
Once he is inside the car,his
cologne fills the car, there must be a special verse
in the bible for men who smell nice andare beasts
in the sheets,he starts the car andwe off.
Somebody find that verse for me. Yesses.
He parks into a small joint, the smell of homebaked
savoury muffins invites me in.
An over nice waitress leads us to our table. Her
smile reaches her cheeks that I even recognize the
rotten tooth at the back.
Nkosi orders savoury muffins and an Americano
latte for us both. Bella is sleepingquietly in her
stroller.
This place is full and it has that homely feel.
"Zulu,I recognized you from a distance." Robert
De Van Msoon.
"Rob my man."
Nkosi says with so much enthusiasm.
"Mind if I join you?" He says pulling a chair nextto
me.
"By all means man,this is my woman
Nomzamo."
He extends his wrinkled hand and I hesitate fora
moment before I gracefully shake it with a smirk.
"You look very familiar Ms Nomzamo. Do I
know you from somewhere?"
He says with a grin.
"So do you Mr-what did you say your name was
again?"
His eyes do not leave mine.
"Robert Van Zyl."
"Yeah that."
Mind games.
The Good Wife 021
The nerve of that old crocodile makes my bloodboil.
Nkosi has agreed to go on with the DNA testing,as
much as I am a bit hesitant I know it'sthe right thing
to do. All Nkosi needs is my support.

"Baby,I have invited Rob and his wife for supperthis

weekend."
I am lying nude in this huge bed,it's pouring outside
and this man has invited my past to dine with us. I
raise my head a fraction so that Ican look at him
straight in the eye.
"Don't you think you should have ran that pastme
Nkosi?"
I know this is his house but hey.
"Baby it's just dinner,besides I have known Rob
and his wife for a long time.They are good
people babe."He chuckles
Yeah right,good people.
Why does this Rob have to be everywhere.
"I would have been very considerate of you hadtold
me sooner."The irritation in my voice is verymuch
evident.
"I hate being sidelined Nkosi. We are a
team,remember? No sex for you until I decide
otherwise."
"But babe..."
I grab my robe and march out the room. As much as
we try and slough off a life that was once ours,the
past has a way of inviting itself in.
I am hungry and undecided between these
granola bars and the masala drumsticks from
yesterday.
I groan in frustration,just then my phone
vibrates from the kitchen counter,Liwa.
I let it ring for a while,I do not feel like talking tohim
right now.
"Just saw your missed call bhuti."
I send him the text a few minutes later.
In the words of the great Sir Walter Scott,"what a
tangled web we weave,when we first practice
deceive."
His presence fills the the room before I couldturn to
see him. I'm still mad.
"I am sorry my love,you're right I should have ran
things past you. You are the lady of the house. I am
sorry." He sounds amused,I glanceup to see if I had
misread the tone.
His hands wrap around my waist,his lips and
tongue find their way to my neck creating a wetpath
to my ear.
It tickles but I am still mad.
He presses his body onto mine,his hardness
stabbing into my sex.
"No sex."I say pushing him away.
"Baby just this once. Look at my cock,all
because of you,all for you baby."
I am not budging in.
"No."
He groans,a week without hitting on it will dohim
good.
"Pass me the juice please."He drags his feet tothe
refrigerator. My man has a nice firm ass though.
His phone beeps.
"Apryl is at the gate."
Great now I have to deal with the creepy ex wife
slash step sister. I do not like her,something about
her rubs me the wrong way.
I close my eyes and I smell the perfume shewore the
other day. The way she traced herfinger on my lips.
I absentmindedly lick my lower lip.
Focus Nomzamo focus.
"Your ex wife?" I ask distracting myself from the
uncomfortable train of thoughts that rails through my
mind.

The moment she walks in that door,her eyes meet

mine. A half smile on her lips.She is dressed in a
stone washed, grey tight fitting jeans and a simple
white t-shirt and white sneakers. Her dreadlocks are
now blue with a shade of burgundy. The piercing on
her lower lipmakes her lips more inviting. I almost
imagine mine onto hers.
Nkosi does a short formal introduction. Apryl'seyes do
not leave mine. There is this strange
chemistry that hums between us
l,uncomfortably intense.
"Nomzamo,we meet again." So much sexual
undertone.
I scan the room for Nkosi,out of sight."He's
gone for a shower."
How did I not notice nor hear him leave. April's
beauty is dangerously compelling.
''Would you like something to drink or eat?"I ask
looking everywhere but into her sexual appealing
brown eyes. I have never been this enchanted by
someone other than Nkosi that I could genuinely not
tear my gaze from them.
"You."My ears might be deceiving me but I
could swear that I heard a 'you'
"Pardon?" I say.
"I said fresh orange juice."She has this smirk onher
face. I study her as she runs her wet tongue
over her lips.
"Coming right up."I clear my throat.
I serve her the blueberry muffins I baked and a
glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
I keep myself busy washing the dishes,a few
glasses and plates.
"You should learn to relax."Her lips are so closeto
my ear that I feel my clit throb a little. She places
the sideplate and glass into the sink.
"You are such a good baker. Thank you."She
leans in more closer.
"Nice titties."My eyes dart down to my exposed
breasts,this silk robe yesses.
Her breath against my skin hardens my nipples.
I'm brought to reality by a wet kiss on my neck,Ilet
out a moan.
"I'll be back in a few baby."It's Nkosi.
I bring my lips to his again and deepen the kiss,I
make sure it's a sultry scene for Apryl. I have a man
and I am not into woman,she needs to know that. I
have nothing against lesbians.
A small chuckle follows and as I come up for air.
"I love you."Nkosi says running his thumb on mywet
lips. I gently suck it and he gives me that look that
only us understand.
And then I realise,it's his first time professinghis
love.
"I love you baby."I say back.
Once they are gone I kill time watching The
Originals,Klaus has the sexiest accent ever know
to human kind and Marcelo...God damn.
By the time I put Bella to bed Nkosi is back."Come
here."He envelopes me into a hug.
We pull apart and he starts pacing down the
house. I watch in silence. He is nervous about
something.
"I know we have only known each other for a while
and that this might feel a bit too soon butI swear I
have made up my mind,I want to spend the rest of
my life with you."
He goes down on knees and his hand reachesdown
his pocket.
"Nkosi,what-what are you doi.."
I stop mid sentence when he takes out a ring.
"Nomzamo would you marry me?"
What no!
I shake my head,God no!
"Nkosi you barely know me."I say,my voice
barely audible.
"I don't care. I know what I want and it's you
Nomzamo. It has always been you."
"Nkosi."I say out of words.
"Nkosi I am an ex-convict."Tears are alreadystreaming
down my cheeks.
"I know and I do not care."
Wait what?
The Good Wife 022

This dress won't zip up,Nkosi and I are not on

speaking terms. I turned down his proposal andI
cannot believe he has been lying me the whiletime.
Double standards, I know but he should have told
me.

"Can you help me zip up?"He clicks his tongueand

walks out.
Why are we even going to this stupid party if
things are this tense.
We have not been been speaking for a week,a
whole week.
He comes back minutes later with two ties.
"Which one?"
"Lose the tie. You will look more sexy withoutone."
He knows I am right.
"Right."
He zips me up.
"Why are we mad at each other?"
"You know why Slim."
I groan.
"Nkosi,I am not ready for marriage why can'tyou
understand that?"
"Marriage or commitment?"
Wow. I keep mum
"Why are we even dating. Nomzamo I am getting
old. I want a wife,my own family. I wantyou."
I turn to him gathering in my gut the slim measure of
courage I have in me. This can gotwo ways,his way
or up.
"Nkosi."I say quietly,calmly.
"I love you but I am not ready for marriage,you
barely know me and It feels like we are skippinga lot
of steps. Listen I do see a future with you but there I
still things that I need to accomplish by myself and I-
I don't know Nkosi,all of this is overwhelming."I
explain although this is untrue.
"Nomzamo I get it. You are just passing timewith
me until you get the man you will want tomarry.
It's okay."
Right now he is overreacting.
"Robert,is he the one who told you I was in jail?"This
has been bothering me the whole week.
"What does Rob have to do with anything. Youtold
me in your sleep. You say a lot of things
when you are sleeping Nomzamo. That is how Iknew
and I also asked Apryl to run some background
check on you,just to confirm."
I am mad.
"You went behind my back and did some stupid
background check on me Nkosi. You could haveasked
me straight up.
"You should and could have told me
Nomzamo.Straight up."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Using my words."
"Words Slim,really?"
He shakes his head and walks out.
"They are my words Nkosi,mine."I shout behindhim.
"You will find me in the car,fighting over stupid
words."He lets out a sarcastic chuckle. Linda,the
child minder has already bathed Bella.
"Linda call me if she starts fussing and you know
where everything is. Read her The little princess
before she sleeps and she won't sleepwithout
Mimi,the brown teddybear. Should youneed
anything call me or his father. Is the alarmon?"
"Sis Nomzamo,we will be fine. Go enjoy
yourself."
I nod.
"Uhm her temperature was a bit high this
afternoon. I gave her some flue meds. Makesure
she is dressed warm. If somet-
"I call you should something happen."She cutsme
mid-sentence.
"Okay okay. You will call me right."I
need to make sure.
"Sis Nomzamo."Okay.

As much as Nkosi is mad,he opens the car doorfor me

and fastens my seatbelt.
We drive in unbearable silence.
"So we are not gonna talk."
Silence.
"Okay. Two can play this game."
We drive for almost an hour and we reach
Kempton Park.
The place is crowded,it looks like a grand ball than
an engagement party. People are everywhere,each
holding a glass of champaign.
They are all dressed expensively. My eyes dart
down to my short black dress,it suits me nicely but
does not really fit the occasion.
We walk hand in hand,a Rio who is one of
Nkosi's colleagues welcomes us.
I think I also need a glass.
This not my scene,the least I can do is to drown
myself in champaign. Free alcohol.
Nkosi leaves me with a Kgothalo who happensto be
a chatterbox.
"So are you Dr Zulu's girlfriend?"
Why would she even ask me that. Honey you
barely know me.
"No."I say.
"He has like fucked half the hospital's residents."She
says sipping on her third glass ofchampaign.
"Excuse me but why are you telling me this?" "Just
looking out for you-you know sisterhood."
"Uhm,Kgothalo right?"She nods.
"You should learn to leave out other's people's
name out of your mouth. It makes one's skin glow.
Trust me."I stand up.
"It was really informative meeting you
Kgothalo."She fakes a smile and nods.
I try calling Nkosi but he doesn't answer.
"I did not think you would come. You look bored."
Honestly right now,I want to go home.
"Apryl."I say.
She looks so fucken beautiful.
"I love your dress."She complements.
"Do you have any idea where I can find Nkosi?"I
ask.
"He has some business to take care of."She says
gazing me intently. Her eyes stripping menaked.
"Where can I find him. I want to go home."I say
impatiently.
"I'm also on my way out. I can drop you."
I hesitate,"let me call Nkosi first."I dial him twiceand
it rings unanswered.
"Let's go."
I scan the room once again in hopes of maybe
catching a glimpse of Nkosi.No luck.
Apryl's car is just like how I imagined it,the
latest Audi sport car.
"Nice ride."
"Not nice as you."She winks.
"You're disgusting."I say rolling my eyes.
"And you're really falling for me. I see the wayyou
look at me."
"With those big eyes. I am sure you see
everything Apryl."
Her hand settles right at the apex of my thighs.A
shiver convulses through me.
"You should learn to relax Slim. I do not bite well
unless you want me to."She runs her wet tongue over
her lips. She frequently does this.
"I would appreciate if you could get your handoff
me."
We drive in awkward silence.
"Wait,where are we going?"
"Clubbing."She says turning her focus on the
road.
Ohh hell No!
"Apryl turn this damn car the fuck around- "Relax
I will bring you home before curfew." The way she
says it, it's as if I am a little child."Let loose." I am
being dismissed.
"It will be fun.I promise."
I could do with a night out.
We drive to Braamfontein.
The club is packed.
I can smell the sweat,sins,sex,smoke and
alcohol from a distance.
Apryl reaches for my hair pin and lets my hair
loose.
"You look perfect."
I keep pulling my dress down.
We pass two drunkards making out at the
entrance of the parking lot.
Apryl is a regular here,the bouncer at the
entrance lets us in after bumping fists with
Apryl.
"Come on."
The security guard escorts us to the VVIP
section.
Apryl knows everyone one here.
Also the VVIP section is a bit full.
I make it a point to sit next to Apryl.
"What will you have?"
"Anything."
I want to say water will be fine but I don't wanna
come cross as uncool.
There is a batch of cocaine and meth in the table
with some bank cards and a few syringes.
Apryl sniffs a line and offers me.
"No thank you."I politely say. I am still uptight.
The drinks keep on coming and I am kaak drunk.I can
barely stand up.
Apryl offers me the coke again and I willingly gofor a
line.
I am floating,I feel so light. Everything seems so
surreal. It's as I am free from everything. No Nkosi
no Buhle no prison just free from the world and it
feels so damn good.
My phone keeps ringing,it's Nkosi. I end up
switching it off.
I hit the dance floor and all I see is
colours,pink,purple and blue.
I move to the rhythm of the sound.
I feel hands on my ass.I do not turn around,whoever
it is,their touch feels so right.It feels so safe.I keep
grinding.
The same hand grabs my ass.
"Relax,it's me."
Apryl.
"I need the loo."
"Okay. Come."I follow her through the crowd.
The queue at the toilet is so fucken long. "Let's
go at the back."
I follow her outside,I am about to pee myself."Okay.
Pee here."
Where?There are no toilets here.
"Phi?"
"Here."
I cross my legs.
"No.Apryl no."
Gaawwwwwd!
"It's either here or my mouth."I
urinate on the grass.
The night breeze hits me so hard that I shiver.
Apryl drapes her demin jacket over me.
"I want to kiss you so bad."I say giggling.
"You are drunk.I have to get you home." Her
lips are so fucken appetizing.
"You such a bummer.The night is still young
Apryl. You should learn to relax."I hit her withher
own line.
I roughly smash my lips against hers and she
welcomes mine with her cold wet lips. She
maneuvers my mouth like nobody's business.
I want more.
"The car is not far from here."I silently followher
like a naughty child.
My legs strapped around her waist,the car seatis
reclined. Nkosi is a great kisser but he has nothing
on Apryl.
Her other hand gently rubs my clit, it's a river
down there.
She gently lays me on the backseat and eats my
pussy that I feel myself on the verge of tears. Both
my legs on her shoulders just when Iam about to cum
her phone rings.
Don't answer it,I silently pray.
"It's Nkosi."She says breathing heavy.They
talk for a minute.
"Bella is in hospital. She had seizures."I'm
dressed in nanoseconds.
Guilt creeps in. I switch on my phone.7
missed call from Nkosi.
Damn.
We drive to Waterfall City Hospital. I am so
scared,while I was out God knows where,my
baby was dying. It's my fault.

We find Nkosi pacing up and down the waiting

room.
"Where were you?"
I am at a loss of words. "Where
is my baby Nkosi?" "Where the
fuck where you?""Man,calm
down."Apryl says.
"Stay out of this Apryl. This is between me and
her.Where the fuck where you? ."
I keep scratching my head."I
am sorry Nkosi."
I don't even know what I am apologizing for.
"You reek of alcohol."I can barely stand.
He looks at Apryl.
"You are using again. Aren't you?"The questionis
directed at Apryl.
"Nkosi-"I say but he cuts me off.
"Get out of here. Get the fuck out of my life
Nomzamo,I do not need you anymore. Get out."He is
furious.
"You don't mean that Nkosi."I
say pleading.
"Take your shit out of my house and disappear.I
never want to see you again. You failed as a
mother,you failed as a partner. You fail at
everything. You are nothing but a jailbird. You
disgust me Nomzamo."
"Nkosi."I can barely recognise my voice.
Words hurt. Words stab. Words break bones.
Words cannot be unsaid.

The Good Wife 023 [ V.Short ]

It's been a week and I have not seen nor spokento

Nkosi.
All my bags are packed,I am going back hometo
East London. I have no idea where to from here
but I trust the universe.
My bus leaves at 19:00,the time reads twenty past
four. Liwa offered to drop me off at Park Station.
As much as he was not pleased withmy descion,he
knew my mind was made up.
Amo gave birth 3 days ago and Liwa will be
driving to Mahikeng to see the baby. She hasher
mother's eyes and name.
"I don't know what went on sis but I want you toknow
that whenever you are ready to come back,this will
always be your home. Whatever you need,I am just
one phone call away. Okay?"
I nod,I remember the first time I saw Liwa,Godhe
was so arrogant and look at us now.
"I need to pick up my woman. Call me when youare
ready to leave."He kisses my forehead and walks
out.
The whole house is clean.
I dial Nkosi, surprisingly he picks up.
"Hi. It's me-Nomzamo."The tone of my voice iscalm
and collected.
"Hi"He says back and then silence falls upon us."I
would like to see Bella. Only if that is okay
with you."
I desperately hope that he agrees. "Are
you free now?"He asks.
"Yes.Yes,I am free."I say with so much
excitement.
"Okay. Do you need me to send a cab for you?"
"No. I will be fine. I will be there in an hour."
I say.
"Okay."
He drops the call.
I do not have much luggage,just a single
suitcase and my weekend bag.
My uber should be here in a few.
It has started raining,the drive to Bryanston is ashort
one. My nerves are getting the better of me. I knock
a few times before he opens up. Heis dressed in
simple cut jeans,a black t-shirt.
Bare-footed.
"Hi."I try to remember how to breathe.
"Come on in."He has Bella on his arms.
"Can-can I hold her please."He seems reluctant."I
am not drunk or high."I assure him.
He hands me Bella,she is so grown and her pink
chubby cheeks are chubbier.
She keeps poking my eyes,giggling."I
will give you some privacy." "Thank
you."I say.
"Ohh before I forget. The DNA results came
back. Bella is mine."He says and I nod.
"You will make a great father Nkosi."
The silence drags on. I stubbornly refuse to bethe first
to break it.
"Uhm should I pay the uber? Its still waiting for
you."I shake my head.
I rock Bella to sleep.
"Slim loves you baby girl. As much as your father
and I did not work out,you will always be my baby
girl. I love you Bella."I kiss her foreheadand turn on
my heels.
I find Nkosi downstairs busy on his laptop. I
clear my throat.
"I want to apologize for everything. All the shit I put
you through,Bella,I am deeply sorry and I hope one
day you find it in your good heart to forgive me. And
for what is worth,I made out with your sister and
Nkosi as much as I am nothing but a jailbird to you.
I will make something of myself,you said some
hurtful andunforgivable words to me and I am glad
you did.You made me happy and I came here to say
goodbye and please take care of my baby girl."
His brow creased angrily for a moment, then
smoothed as his eyes took on a knowing look.
"Nomzamo I am-what I said that night was out of
anger.I never meant any of those words and-"
"You do not have to apologize Nkosi. I
understand."He shakes his head, seeming to struggle
with the thought,"if leaving is the right thing to
do,then I will not stop you. As much as Iwant you to
stay,I know I cannot make you."
He glares at me for a long minute.
"I will not be coming back."I say answering the
unspoken question in his eyes.
"Bye Nkosi."I say with a huge lump on my throat.
"Bye Nomzamo"I nod noncommittally, his tone
mirrored mine.Our eyes held, and the silence
deepened, the atmosphere changed as he gazed
unrelentingly into my eyes.
"Bye."I kept my eyes safely away from his eyes He
reaches across to open the door for me, andhis
sudden proximity sends my heart into frenzied
palpitations.
As the cab drives away,everything looks so
surreal. I throw my phone's sim card out the
window. This is now my past and it's best I leave it
behind. I have Amo and Liwa's numberon a piece
of paper in my bag.
Jhwanezbhegi was good while it lasted. MaybeEast
London is just what I need.

"Without the darkness,we can never see the stars." I

guess we all have to go through someshit to discover
our strength.
The Good Wife 024

The curious smell of rooibos is undeniable as I enter

the house. I do not bother knocking. All I want is
mama to hold me and tell me everythingis going to be
okay. I need to shed all the tears I
have been holding. I need to breakdown at my own
safe space,where I know somebody who loves me is
going to pick up all the pieces,home.

She is seated in the kitchen reading a bible,mama

knows every scripture in the bible.Her grey hair
sprouting and spiralling in everydirection. For an
instant,I feel a crush of memories overwhelming.
It's been nearly fourteen years. A lot has
changed,everything has changed.
"Mama."I say dropping all my bags in the floor.
"Mntanam."She catches me before I make contact
with the floor. I cannot hold back thesetears anymore.
"Mama." Tears burst forth like an automated
sprinkler.
"Ohh sanalwam."She says gently rubbing myback.
I am now calm and collected. No more tears leftto
cry,mama keeps running her hands on my hair. I
have always found this comforting.
"Mama. I am sorry for all the pain I put you
through. No mother wants to see her child behind
bars. I know you had high hopes for meand I failed.
I failed you mama. Ndixolele Miyakazi." I raise my
head from her lap. I can see tears in her beautiful
eyes. Ohh u Miyakaziwam.
"Akusenani sithandwa sam. All these years I have
been angry at you. You broke my heart
Nomzamo,your selflessness broke my heart
mntanam. There were times where I would imagine
you playing dress up with my clothes, Iwas so angry
at myself. It felt like I failed as a parent. I failed
you."The last thing I wanted wasto hurt my mother.
"Mama,you never failed me. You raised a
strong,selfless woman. Do not blame yourlsef. Imade
a choice." I am trying to alleviate the suddenly tense
atmosphere.
I don't know how long we sat without moving. It
could have been hours.
"Mama,ndiyozela." She takes my hand and
places it against her cheek. "Do you feel how
warm it is?" I nod. Her eyes are peaceful.
"I am glad you are home baby." Lo mfazi Thixo.I
smile.
"The third door on your left,yi room kamamakholeyo.
Ukuphe ingubo entsha kula wadrobe,ubeshushu
sanalwam. You will wake up to a lovely home made
oxtail."
I smile and disappear into the corridor.
Akukhonto yogqitha uthando lomzali.
I do not bother taking my clothes off. The smellof
home sends me into deep slumber.
I wake up a few hours later,the time reads twenty
past two. The savoury aroma of mama'soxtail fills
the house. My stomach rumbles. I use her ensuite to
freshen up,my breasts are sosore.

I need to call Liwa,I make a mental note to buy asim

card.
As I make my way to the kitchen the aroma
keeps inviting me in.
"My baby is awake."Ohh umama.
"You have a visitor. Lunch will be ready in an
hour."She says and envelopes me in a hug. Mysafe
and happy place,my mother's warm arms.
"A visitor. So soon mama?"
"Ziyawoyika umbethe mntanam." She says with
a beautiful laugh.
"Bulo,he is in the living room. Also ask him to
escort you to buy some bread. Akhonto yokutya
okwangoku. The oxtail needs a few more minutes."
"Mama it's only been a minute." Mama
hands me a twenty rand note.I find Bulo
in the sitting room.
"Thyini. Ukhona nyani?"My best friend."Bulo."I
say in excitement.
Mama shouts from the kitchen.

I can hear the snippets of conversations as we walk

down the road. I guess some things do notchange.
"Fondini,you just disappeared." He says. Oko
wayemhle lomntu. I fill him in a bit on my life.
"So that's why you came back?"
"Yeah, something like that but I do not feel
comfortable talking about him."He smiles as he
deciphers my expression.
"That's okay Keke."
Argh that name. I have so many nicknames."Do
you want us to go there,Bruce."
Bulo was the only kid who went in an Afrikaaner
school back in the day. His family was the
wealthiest,his father had a chain of
supermarkets,fuel stations and a wineyard.
That is how rich they were.
"I never understood why your white okes calledyou
Bruce,Bulo is not that difficult to pronounce."
"I thought I was the shit back then but look atme
now."
"Neza Boarder Bulldogs shorts zakho,yhuu
yayikunyisa i colonisation kaka. Mr I do not do
black girls heeee. What happened to that white
girlfriend of yours?"
"Anja,she got married. Moved to Austria. Shewas
cool though."I could hear a smile in his voice.
"She was racists,she called us baboons."Weboth
laugh and I just stare at him. He is so grown and I
did not realise how I missed himuntil now.
He stares at me, bewildered by my tortured
expression.
"What?"He asks
"Nothing. It's just that,it feels good to be hereyou
know,I missed you."I confess.
"I missed my bestfriend too. You just left Keke. Five
years after you left my father died. I neededyou the
most back then and I had to move on without you.
Where were you?"
I try to smile back, but the smile is unconvincing.He
scrutinizes my face.
"I am sorry about yout father Bulo." I sigh.
"I did not have it easy either Bulo. I was in jail,allthose
years I was in jail."
"I thought you were in UK." His eyes alight with
curiosity.
"No.That is a lie. A cover up."I say.
"We all have our skeletons Keke." His voice isjust
a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn't truthfully
say, he is a sinner as I am and he isnot judging
me.
"It's okay Keke."He says,his voice
unintentionally seductive.

By the time we get back it's almost dawn. "Are

you not coming in?"He shakes his head.
"Kukhona lomntana funeka ndimtouch'emaarn."I
nod.
"I will visit tomorrow."He says.
I make myself peanutbutter sandwich.
"Mntanam we have to talk."
"It sounds serious."I say.
She pats at the space next to her.
"Your father will be here in a few minutes." She says.
Him and I do not really have a relationship.
"A lot has changed mntanam. Your father andare
separated."
What?
"Separated as in divorced. Hayi mama."
"All these years we have been trying to make our
marriage work but he was not happy and Ialso was
not."
Hayibo!
"But you said that-how long mama?"A few
seconds passes before she answeres. Sheseems
to be choosing her words carefully.
"Ten years my baby." "Mama!"My
voice is sharp. "Your father has
uhm changed."
"What do you mean changed?" A knock on the
door.
"It's best you see it yourself. That must be
them."She says standing up to open the door.
A man around late fifties walks in followed by a
woman who is maybe around his late sixties.
The woman looks a bit familiar.
They greet and settle in the sofa next to me. The
lady's eyes are looking everywhere but my
direction.I try to suppress my curiosity but it isfar
from idle.
"Mama,what is going on?"
Mama offers them fresh orange juice and sitsnext
to me holding my hand.
"Baby.
"No, Miyakazi I will do it myself."The old womansays.
What the hell is going on.
"Kenya-" He sighs.
"I am your father. . ."
My head is spinning.
"What did you just say? Uthini lomntu mama?"
Mama looks at me with pleading eyes.
"As I told you baby,your father has uhm
changed. He uhm she is now a woman."
Hayi maarn.
I am struggling to breathe.
"I think it's best you leave. I will call you."I hear
mama's words from a distance.
The shutting of the door brings me back to life.
"Breathe Keke Breathe." Momma keeps rubbingmy
back. I take steady breaths until I am calm.
"Mama.How can you accept that?"
"Ohh mntanam.I had to set your father free.I
wanted to see him happy and I did not make him
happy. Robert does."
God,another Robert.Roberts are a curse in mylife.
"Your father is now happy sanalwam,she has a
loving husband and two beautiful children. Theylook
so much like you."
"Hayi mama. It's wrong,unethical,ungodly. He has a
family and he is a respectable man in thesociety.
That is abomination. He is a man mama a man with
kids."I shout.
"Kiki,do not raise your voice at me. I am still
your mother and this is not about you. All this
stress is unhealthy for the baby."
Umntana ebetheni ngoku?
"What baby mama sithetha ngenyala elinziwengu
tata?"
"Mntanam ukhulelwe." She says.Hayi
maarn.
"I am not pregnant mama. Why do you want toshift
the conversation,I-
"Lift up your dress."She commands.
Yhehake!
"Uzithwele mntanam."She says after runningher
wrinkled hand over my breasts.
Thyini u mama. "Hayi
mama. Hayi."Njani?
The Good Wife 025
Things are a bit tense around the house,I do notknow
how to act around my mother,it has beentwo weeks.
My father is visiting next week withhis husband.
"When are you getting i pregnancy test."
"Mama,I am not pregnant." I say almost
annoyed.
"Mhhkay if you say so baby."She turns her focusto
TD Jakes' sermon.
"Can we talk about uhm dad?"
She mutes the television and smiles.
"What happened mama? How did it get to this?You
mentioned kids,I do not understand what isgoing
on?"
She sighs.
"Your father has always been different. We wereboth
forced into an arranged marriage. His
father was traditionally strict and he was an
intolerant man. Your father as an heir had to marry
first. He was denied a choice,we were both denied a
choice. Neither of us wanted thisbut we had to make
it work and then there wasyou and your sister. You
brought love, light andwarmth. We realized then
that we needed to make this work,not only for us but
because youdeserved two parents who loved you
unconditionally. We owed that to you mntanam."I
keep my face composed,aware of her scrutiny as I
listened. A moment of wordless communication
passes between us.
"And the kids,how is it possible.Two men."
"Science has evolved mntanam,they used your
father's sperms and there was a surrogate to carry
the foetus during the gestation period.
They went with IVF."The silence stretched on as I
struggled to wrap my mind around the concept of my
transgender father.
"I just don't get why you are so okay with this whole
sham. I don't think I can accept him. Howdo I
address him and my so called siblings.
Mama I will have my own children,what will I tell
them?" She looks at me thoughtfully for a few
seconds,"Oh mntanam. I will pray for you."
Amen.
"Mama,how does this make you feel? Becauseto me
It's disgusting."
"Your father's happiness comes first and the last
few years of our marriage were hard. I could feel
him drifting away from me. He started paying more
attention to the men around him,the way he dresses.
As much as hetried to fight it,we both knew it was
inevitable.
He is still my bestfriend and I know he will always
love me ,he just was never inlove with me but he
gave me the best years of my life. That is why I am
more accepting of the situation. He is happy and
that's all that matters.
It might take a little while for you but all I ask
mntanam is for you to be civil towards him and
allow yourself to accept him as he is-"I'm not sure
what my face is revealing, but she suddenly breaks
off.
"If I can do it so can you mntanam."

Mama has some stokvel meeting with oomama

bomthandazo.
I facetime Amo.
"Gurrl you've been on the low. How are you?"
She's literally screaming.
"Well. A gurl has to disappear every once in a
while,you know."I say.
"I missed you babes." She says wiping
imaginary tears.
"I missed you too babes. You look good,very
good."I say.
She breaks in one of her random twerks.
"Look at that ass lil momma,so tight.Work work
tharaas momma" I say.
"These Mahikeng manzo have you working out
momma."I add.
"Haah ska tlong bolela kadiskobinskie tsa mona. Ke
bathla bashimane baJhwanezburg.
Oobhuti aba nice bashimane ba German beasts.Bana
ba vava voom."
Mosadi ona!
She goes on telling about lil Amo who is a
nightmare and her fucked up routine.
"So in other news,I got a call from Liwa's
woman."
"You lie!"I say
"She wants us to meet up,should I find myself in
Jozi."She says letting out a sarcastic laugh.
"Issa trap momma. She probably wants to
whoop your tight ass,run! Better yet cover every hair
follicle and make sure you bring some holy water.
Why she wanna meet up anyway?"
"I don't get down like that sis. She can miss me on
that one,andizi!"
"Besides she sounded so classy on the phonetalm
bout having an intellectual conversationwith
me."She adds.
"Sis,you can never be classy when it comes to your
man.She is marking territory. Better show up
equipped momma."
"Liwa overstayed his stay here and now madame
did not like that. She does not understand why Liwa
wants to be a part of my baby's life. This whole thing
is causing a dent intheir relationship."
"Bitch you lie."I couldn't infuse my voice with the
proper outrage.
"She must talk to Liwa. He is the common dick
in this situation. Why come for you?"

I spend the next fifteen minutes telling her

about my transgender father.
"Girl,first of all you have double standards. You
fucked that chick Apryl who happens to be a
lesbian and I did not act some typa way. As much
as this is freaking you out,you have no choice but
to accept it. It is what is is. You hating him is only
hurting your mother. Stop being homophobic,it
ain't cute babes. This is not about you." She goes
on another ten minutes lecturing me about being
homophobicand all. This woman can talk.
"I might as well tell you this,I might be
pregnant."
"Bitch ever heard of contraceptives,Nkosi doesnot
miss neh!" She laughs.
"I am gonna be an aunt. My nephew is gonna be
one hot MF*. He is gonna break hearts.
Especially if he looks like his father."
"Amo,I have not even taken a test." I say.
"I don't care,if your mama says you pregnant.
Bitch you pregnant."
See what I have to put up with.
"Bitch bye,it's a double bill of RHOA.I love you
babes. Kiss my baby for me."I then drop the call.
By God's grace it happens that I saved Linda's
contacts on my phone not my old sim card.
When God got you she got you.

I facetime her,I just wanna see Bella. "Sisi,unjani?"So

much excitement in her voice.
We talk for an hour. Bella is so grown. She can
walk,my baby can walk.
"Linda please do not whisper a word to Nkosi
about this phone call. Please." I say."I
promise sisi."

Four months later...

I am pregnant,I spend all day lazying around the
house. Mama does literally everything. My stomach
is so big that my navel looks like a penis.I have not
told Nkosi,I am telling him nextweek.I needed time
to wrap my head around this new development.
My phone rings. It's an unsaved contact.
"Zamo."
"Nkosi!" I feel and sound like I'd had the breath
knocked out of me.
"I got your number from Linda and I know youtold
her she should not give it away. Can we talk?"
I sigh in defeat. I shouldn't have called Linda.
"I do not think that is a good idea Nkosi."I respond,
unable to hide the longing in my voice.God,I miss
him.
"Please,I won't be an arse. I promise,I just wantus
to talk."He sounds so hurt.
"Nkosi. I am pregnant.."I sigh
"It's yours."I add.
Silence settles between us.
"How long?"
"Four months,2 weeks."
"Why did you not tell me?" he whispers,his voice
pained.
"I was going to tell you Nkosi,some time nextweek.
I,myself is still trying to get my headaround the
whole thing. I am scared Nkosi."I waited,
unreasonably anxious to hear his response.
"Where are you? I can fly down to wherever you
are Slim,please tell me."I
cannot.
"Nkosi,I need time to process and reflect.I stillcannot
get over your words and I-"
"Nomzamo,I love you. I meant that."
There is nothing more to say for the moment.
"A lot has happened Nkosi,Bella,the proposal. You
broke my virginity and then the next day I became
an instant momm, I practically moved in.Then a
marriage proposal,It was all too muchfor me. A lot
of things happened in a blink of aneye and I also
acknowledge my part in our breakup. I messed up
but I would never do youlike you did me."
Silence.
"Nomzamo please,I really want to make thingsright.
Our baby deserves two loving parents. Donot deny
me that." His voice is pleading.
"I am not selfish Nkosi,I would never deny this child
a chance to two loving parents but that does not
mean we have to be in a relationship. We will co-
parent.I will tell you where I am whenI am ready and
I am sorry for not telling you thisearlier. My
intentions were not malicious,that I promise."
I breath.
I understand and I am not mad Zamo. Can I callyou
everyday?"A plead in his voice again.
"Yes,you can Nkosi."
We talk for a few more minutes before I dropthe
call.
I find mama in the kitchen on a call. She seems
troubled. She drops the call minutes later.
"Your sister was involved in a deadly accident. Ineed
to get to Joburg."
Usathana ulanda abantu bakhe.
The Good Wife 026

I am 21 weeks pregnant and I feel like I am ready to

pop this load out. Mama has been in Gauteng for a
little bit over three weeks,nursingBuhle back to
health. She won't say what caused the accident,all
she gives me is it's nother place to tell me but the
good news is that Buhle is healing. Nkosi has been
going for his therapy four times a month and he
always makes it a point to brief me. I have come to
realize that he is a complex man with layers of
percolating emotions.
The phone rings and I sprint to the kitchen toget it.
There is only one voice I want to hear,anything
else would be a disappointment.
"Mama."I try to sound excited.
"Hey baby,how are you and the baby?"She askswith
a trace of concern in her voice.
"We are okay mama and I have been eating
healthy. I go for my monthly appointments. Weare
good mama,how are you and how is Buhleholding
up?"
Mama and I never got the chance to talk aboutmy
pregnancy but I know somewhere deep down she is
disappointed just like any motherwould be on her
unmarried daughter.
I barely have a penny to my name well what I mean
is I am not where most 30 year-olds are intheir lives.
I still live at home and the only job I managed to
secure was being a waitress and I was also fired
from,so that makes me pretty much a failure. This
pregnancy is also sending me a thousand steps back.
It's exhausting honestly.
"The kids are okay and your sister is healing butthere
are some underlying issues,she refuses to
acknowledge.Her husband has been physically
assaulting her and she miscarried"
"Hayi mama!"My voice edged up a few octaves.
"I do not know what poison has this man fed tomy
Buhle. She refuses to leave him. Thixo wam-" Her
voice trails off.
"I feel so helpless." She breathes.
"Mama there is nothing you can do. So much
depends on Buhle and if she is not ready to leave
Robert then that's that,we both know howstubborn
Buhle is." I say with so much exhaustion in my
voice.
We talk on a few ninutes before she drops the call
promising to send MaMakaula to check upon me.

I really do not know what to wear between thisoff

white Persian princess dress and a bumshort with
an oversized mustard sweaterwith mustard
sneakers and an oversized 60s demin jacket. I end
up settling for my second
choice,it makes my bump less visible.
Nkosi and I talk almost everyday. He is here inEast
London and we are doing lunch. I can confidently
say we are in a good space.

I stand near the tarred road waiting for Bulo,heis

always late. A group of guys pass by"Ingasendibeyi
leyo short'i" the one with dreadlocks says.
"Awu fit'i jo!" Another says,I am beyond irritated. A
woman cannot walk safely around the streets without
being called such names.
I open my mouth ready to unleash a furious
tirade,later decide against it. I honestly do not
have the energy.
"Kenya are you okay?"Bulo's voice cuts throughmy
thoughts. It's only now that I realise that I have been
staring at him open-mouthed. I quickly reassemble my
expression and nod.
"Bulo can we please stick to Nomzamo,you know
I do not like my first name and yes,I amokay."
That's where Keke comes from. I was born in
Kenya,my parents were in exile. It's a beautiful
name but I just do not like it.
He smiles the crooked smile that I love,"Okay
Keke,get in.I still need to go and fetch my
babymama. Why isn't your man picking you up?I
never realized you look this much like Ryan
Destiny." He says,whoever that is.
He is always complaining.
I pretend to be oblivious to his intense scrutinyas I
stepped into the car.
"How many cars do you have Bulo? I have seen
seven so far,whatever you are doing must be
paying."
"Nothing to worry your pretty little self sis. Aman
does what he has to do to survive."His
voice is cool and level.
"Whatever it is Bulo,it is not legal and you knowhow
I feel about such things,right?"
"Keke,you should try to relax and I do not need any
lecture. Just because you spent a few years
edanyane,that does not make you more 'woke' than I
am-
"For peace sake,I will pretend that I did not hearany
of that Bulo and no,I do not see myself more 'woke'
just because I spent a few years injail."I say.
Silence,after a few seconds, the quiet starts tofeel
awkward.
"You know I did not mean it like that Keke,look I
appreciate you looking out for me but I can takecare
of myself. I am a man."He speaks each word
carefully in his rumbling voice.
"Just do you Bulo. You are a man right." I sigh and
fold my arms across my chest.He stares at
me incredulously, evidently not sure whether to
respond or not.
He drops me off at the restaurant where I am
meeting up with Nkosi.
"Don't hesitate to ring me if you need a ride sis,Ilove
you."He speeds off before I could tell him that I love
him back. That one is my brother from another
mother,most people mistaken ourbond for something
sinister.

I spot him from a distance,his eyes meets mine.By the

time I reach his table,he's already on hisfeet.
"Hi."We hug.
"Hi baby,you look sexy mama."
He leans in even closer, his lips inches from mine. I
have no room to escape. "Now," he breaths, and
just his smell disturbs my thought
processes, "How have you been mother of my
children?"He kisses slowly down my cheek,
stopping just at the corner of my mouth.
"Why stop?"I say.
He lifts up my chin and his lips brush against mine,a
smile tugs at the corner of his mouth and he then
takes my lips into his,kisses me in earnest, his
unyielding lips moving against mine,my arms reach
up to twine tightly around his neck. He smells
heavenly. His cologne is myfavourite smell.
"I missed you."He pulls a chair for me."I
too." I say with a smile.
He pulls his chair closer to mine.
"Can I kiss him."His eyes dart to my swollen
stomach,I nod.
We place our orders after our little family
reunion.
"Have you decided on a birth plan?"He asks
sipping on his whiskey.
"Natural birth."I respond.
"Okay,so have you decided on a name yet,I would
also love if he takes my last name and Iunderstand
the traditional procedure I have tofollow."I nod.
"Now the elephant in the room,how will we go
about the whole distance thing. Do you think there
is a chance we could try this relationshipthing
again? This time transparency is key and Iam
working on my issues."He says.
"I would love that Nkosi."
We spend the rest of the evening walking
around the beach.
A sharp pain from my abdomen has me on my
knees.
"Ouwwww!" It hurts
"Baby are you okay?"He's already on his kneesnext
to me.
"Breathe in and out slowly okay." He takes outhis
cell.
"The ambulance will be here shortly okay. Keep
breathing."
I am wet. I feel wet.
"I am bleeding ohh God I am bleeding." I screamat
him through my tears, which we are now flowing
relentlessly.
"Baby calm down and keep still."I am now in his
arms.
"No!"I shriek a few octaves higher.
"I am not losing this baby Nkosi." I yell slightlymore
breathless.
"Nkosi,I will not lose this baby. Promise me
Nkosi,promise me now that I will not lose my
baby."He glances at me with unreadable eyes.
He seems a bit hesitant.
"Promise me Nkosi!"
Another sharp shooting pain and I scream ontop of
my lungs holding my stomach for thelife inside of
it. God let me not lose this baby.
The Good Wife 027 [ V. Short ]

We are impatiently waiting for Dr

Swaartboi,Nkosi is impatiently pacing up and
down this little blue room.
"Please stop,all of this is making me feel dizzy."He
stops and sits down on a mini sofa next my bed.
Silence falls upon us and he startstapping his foot.
"Nkosi I swear If I hear another tap,I will lose my
sanity." He sits motionlessly at the sofa,his eyes
watching the news with no glimmer of interest.
The doctors have managed to stop the bleeding,we
are waiting for the lab results. Nkosi had to roar
for them to speed up things.
The grip on my arms makes me more anxious.
"It's been five hours,five fucken hours and no one is
telling us anything."I flinch back from thevenom in
his voice.
"Babe calm yourself."I beg him.
"If anything happens to you or that baby,I will
personally hold that MF responsible. I should have
taken you to a private hospital yesses!"Histone is
deadly.
"Nothing will happens to us Nkosi." I assure him.
My brain is working slowly through the fog of
sleep deprivation. I need to shut eye just for a
minute.
"Nkosi I cannot keep my eyes open. I am tired."He
grunts in frustration and I know it's not
directed to me.
"Come lie in bed with me." I am so enveloped inmy
thoughts that I do not hear the door open.
Nkosi gently shakes me.Dr
Swaartbooi is here.
"The baby is healthy and kicking but I have some
concerns about a few things." He sayslooking at
the clipboard.
"What does that mean?" My voice quavers, and Ifight
to control it. I cannot breakdown.
"Your amniotic sac is not secreting enough
amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid helps to cushion
the baby from bumps and injury, as well as
providing them with fluids that they canbreathe and
swallow.
It also helps the baby's musculoskeletal systemto
develop and maintains a constant temperature for
the baby.Without amniotic fluid,the foetus is no
longer protected and is at risk
of infection."He further explains.
"In this case we are looking at oligohydramnios
which means the measurement of the amnioticfluid
is too low."The doctor says. All these medical terms
have my mind in turmoil.
"So what you mean is that there are high chances of
compression of fetal organs whichmay result in birth
defects,
Increased chance of
miscarriage or stillbirth. Intrauterine Growth
Restriction,preterm birth and labor complications."
The word miscariage.The tearskeep coming. I try to
fight them back but they just keep coming and
coming. I feel like I am running through wet sand,I
keep falling and tripping and then lurching up to
plunge forwardagain but when I look back I am still
stationary.
He goes on and on.
"I will have to change your diet plan and I have
prescribed you some vitamins and you will haveto do
weekly check ups with your gynecologist."All I ever
wanted was a healthy pregnancy. I have no choice
but to wear Nkosi' grey sweater.
The drive back to Nkosi's house,well it's his
colleague's holiday house in Beacon Bay is a
silent one. He keeps cursing.
The house is huge,nothing really stands out. Heleads
me into the bedroom.
"I have some pizza,let me warm it up."He
disappears and comes back with a plate. I takeone
small bite and I push the plate away, my stomach
abruptly uneasy.
"I am not hungry."My voice is lifeless.
"Baby you have to eat."There's a plea in his
voice
"Why me Nkosi?Why is God punishing me?Whatdid I
do?"
"Listen to me!" he orders, for I have looked away.
"We are going to be okay,you hear me. You andour
unborn child will be fine. I promise."His voice is
strained, but somehow triumphant.I deliberate for a
moment.We lay silently on the huge king size bed,
wrapped in our individual meditations. Deep down
I know,it's all up to theuniverse whether or not this
baby lives and I also know he meant what he said.
He made a promise. A deep, heavy fog of lethargy
washesover me, and my eyes involuntarily close.
I feel his arms around me,a kiss on the neck.
"I love you Nomzamo."A whisper into my ear. My
mind goes around in circles, trying to comeup with
some way out of this nightmare. Thereis no escape,
no reprieve, how do you find yourway out in a
labyrinth of pain and suffering?
So much depends on the universe. Right now Ijust
need to be weak and vulnerable. I need
someone to be strong for me.
I am nothing but a failure. I am failing my
unborn child.
The Good Wife 028

I do not want this baby,I detest it. I want it out ofme!

What's the point of keeping it if it will die,I am not
putting myself through that kind of pain.I am
choosing me over this baby.
"I do not want it Nkosi."I am in his arms, cradled
against his chest.
"It's not an 'it' Nomzamo. It's a baby,our baby
boy."He whispers, his voice tormented.
"How come you know that he will not live andbe
normal if you are not willing to give him a chance.
Even if he is not normal,he is our babyand he
deserves our unconditional love."
I shake my head. I do not want this baby.
"Nkosi I have made up my mind." I say.
"And I have no say in this,is that what you are
telling me,that I do not have a say on our unborn
baby's life. He is mine too as much as he is yours."A
dozen emotions play across his face,hurt,anger. . .
"Nkosi why aren't you allowing yourself to see that
we have a choice here,we have a choice. We do not
have to go through what this baby will put us
through. We have a choice,a choice Nkosi." I turn
my head slightly, and his exquisiteface is just inches
from mine.
"It's just a baby sithandwa sam,an innocent infant
who deserves a chance at life. It will all work out
baby. We will be okay." I stare at himblankly as the
words one by one clicked into place in my head like
a ghastly puzzle. He putshis hands on either side of
my face and bringshis face close to mine,"Give our
baby a chance,you will love him. I know that."He
continues to hold my gaze,"Please."
"Nkosi I don't think I can."My throat rasped and the
words weren't as audible as I'd meant themto be. He
inhlaes through his teeth.
"Baby you are scared,so am I but I need you totrust
me."Another plea in his voice.
"It's not up to you Nkosi.The survival chances of this
baby aren't up to you."
He sighs,"Do it for Bella then.For yourself"
Maybe I am being selfish,maybe this baby
deserves a chance.
"Okay"I blurt.
"Okay?"He asks with a broad smile endeavoringto
process my response.
I nod.
I close my eyes refusing to let the tears that
wrestle violently within. I am strong. I can do this.
A chance Nomzamo a chance. Just then
my cellphone rings,it's my father. He wants usto
meet up. I cannot. I need some time to process and
think things through.
The thought of meeting my transgender father sends
me into an instant respiratory distress. I don't need
this.
"Today is not doable for me,will let you know when
I have time."I text back. That is a pure lie,Ihave no
intentions meeting up with him.
"Are you okay?"I nod . My focus turns to the road.I
watch as the street vendors labour endlessly in the
insensetive sun with huge umbrellas that serve as
shelter. We are driving to Mdantsane,Nkosi and I
have reached an agreement that it's best I move back
to Gauteng.I have ran out of my savings,as much as I
hate the thought of being financially dependant on
him,I have no other option. I have already called
mama,she was not pleased but she knew that my
mind was made up. Our rebellious
neighbour's son will take care of our house untilmama
returns which will be a few days from today. I pack
my suitcase,I cannot believe I am leaving mama
again.
I slept throughout the short flight to
Johannesburg. It is seven in the evening whenwe
reach Bryanston. All I want to do is sleep.
"Nkosi I-
I take a deep breath fortifying myself to go
further,"I apologise for everything I said
earlier,you know uhm the baby and all. It was
wicked and inconsiderate of me." I say.
"Iss all good mama."
He carries me to our bedroom. My arms tight
around his neck.
"I want to see Bella."I say in my sleep.
"Tomorrow baby."He says placing me on the bed.
He takes off all our clothes and opens the
bed covers.
"I love you Nkosi."I say as I feel myself drift to
slumber.
He pulls me into his warm body,entangling ourlegs.
"I love baby."
I am woken up by my hungry stomach,the bedside
clock reads twenty to eight. Nkosi is still fast
asleep,his chest rising and falling in asteady rhythm.
I carefully remove his arms around me shufflingdown
the bed.
I grab a tin of frozen yogurt and sit on the barstool.
With each and every spoon,I crave formore.
"God damn!"I say closing my eyes. Nothing
beats a strawberry frozen yogurt.
His breath tickles the back of my neck,the sight
of this man sends shivers down my spine. His skin is
warm against mine,melting mine into hislike butter. I
turn around to meet his calm gaze.He has adidas
sweat pants on,this man is a visual feast. His abs
are out to play. I run my tongue over my lips.
Mommy needs a quickie. Ihave been starving 'her'
for months,my girl definitely needs some sweet
lovin.
He parts my lips with his thumb and I suck hardon it.
I am in his sleeping t-shirt with no panties,easy
access. He takes my mouth into ahard kiss filled with
hunger and need, his tongue slides into my mouth
stroking against mine. My hand slides around the
back of his neck pulling him a little bit more closer.
His fingers dig in my ass,holding me in position.His
other free hand sowly massaging my swollen
breasts. His hand leaves my breasts and he carefully
places me on the countertop taking offmy-his t-shirt.
I am left naked,my ass on the
cold countertop. He places my feet at the baseof his
neck in a way that they each form an acute angle.
He then sucks in on each of my toes. My head falls
back with my eyes shut,myhands holding on tightly
on the edge of the kitchen counter. He will kill me if
he stops,I willkill him if he stops.
He pulls both my legs in a way that they fall onto his
spine,my ass all up in the air,I use both my hands for
balance. His cold lips gently brushmy sex sending a
shiver down my spine. His teeth gently tease my
throbbing sex and it thengoes in for the kill. I
focused on the sensation emanating from down
there. His tongue maneuvering each and every part
of my sex. Myvoice calls out his name with need. I
need more,my body is no longer mine, he made sure
of that. I can feel the orgasm building up,I am about
to cum in his mouth. My legs start to tremble,it's
coming. He stops and I feel myself
on the verge of tears.
He gently places me down,I do not trust my legsto
carry me across the room,I need to get awayfrom
him. Just as I am about to wiggle my arm away from
him,he bends me and I hold onto thebarstool for
balance.A stinging pain in my ass follows instantly
after a hard spank. While I am concentrating on the
pain he roughly thrusts in and I come up for air. He
fills each and every inch of my sex,he allows me to
adjust for a second before he starts moving. Both his
handstight around my waist. I can feel the baby
kicking hard as he starts moving. Each thrust faster
and harder than the last one. I push backagainst him
meeting him,thrust for thrust. With each and every
thrust I saw constellations,my eyes rolling at the
back of my mind. Sweat dripping off in both our
skin. I let out a loud cry as I feel my vaginal walls
tighten around his manhood,he hand closes in a fist
pulling my
locks. The pleasure is greater than the pain. Icall out
his name one last time and we both cum leaving me
all dizzy and losing balance.
The scent of sex hangs heavy in the
atmosphere. I lay ontop of him in the cold
marble floor panting.
"That was insane."I say out of breath.He kisses
forehead.
"I love you Nomzamo."He says with his other
hand brushing through my locks.
"Ask me again Nkosi."I say looking into his eyes."Ask
you what?"He asks confused
"I want you,I have never wanted a person likethis
before. I want you,I want us. I want to spend the
rest of my life with you. Let's get married baby
and have a thousand kids."I saywith a free laugh.
"Ohh my God I really want you Nkosi."I say
easing myself into his manhood.
"Let's get married in court. The rest will sort itself
out baby."A smile curves in his lips. I smileback. I
want him.
He gently bites his lower lip as I start moving.
"Would you marry me baby?" I nod.
"A thousand yeses baby."I say.
Just then I feel little hands in my back.
"Mama" Bella.
Nkosi chuckles,"Hey mama." A mad smile
appears in his face matching my own.

How did she get here,we both turn our heads tothe
door.
God Linda stands there with her mouth wide
open.
This so awkward,Nkosi and I break into a
laughter.
No sex in random places again.
The Good Wife 029

I cannot decide on what to wear. Mama wantsme to

join them for lunch at my sister's house.If she knew
how strained my relationship with my sister is. It's
a cold Friday and I am 25 weeks pregnant. I
honestly do not know why this woman extended
her stay.
I still have to go to Amo's post baby shower. She is
back in Gauteng. The fact that Ziyanda organised it
rubs me the wrong way. I have thisweird feeling
about all this.
Finally,this burgundy dress with straps will have to
do,I will match it with my white sneakers and a doek
with one of Nkosi's military styled jacket.
"I have packed everything for Bella sis,is there
anything else."I shake my head,"Thank you Lind,go
fix your hair and then we are ready to go.Make sure
the alarm is on."She nods and walks away.
I am not sure about what I am doing but youcan
never say no to mama Miya.
I facetime Nkosi.
"Hey baby,is everything good?" His face stretchs
into a wide smile that has always beenlike a key to a
secret door where only kindred spirits could enter.
How I love this man but he worries too much.
"Everything is good papi. When will you be
back?"
"Before you sleep baby. Miss me much?"He
chuckles.
"Every minute."I say.
If I had my way, I would spend the majority of
my time making sweet love with my baby daddy.There
isn’t anything I’d experienced in my life that
compares to the feeling of his manhood inside me.
This pregnancy has me sexually stimulated every
second.
We end call after a further minute.
I dial Amo. She is back in Soweto,it's been a
week and I have not seen her.
"Hi baby." She sounds down.
"Talk to me. What's wrong mami?"She sighs
"I am scared Slim. I do not want to end up aloneand
miserable." She says with so much pain.
"You will never be alone sis. You have me."I say.
"I appreciate and value your presence in my lifebut
sis,I cannot have sex with you Slim. I missLiwa and
it's has been so long."
"Time is irrelevant where the heart is concerned
babe. Talk to him,tell him how you feel."
"He has someone,he chose her Slim. I do notwant
to mess that up for him."There's an emotion in
her voice.
"Right,but you two have an unfinished businessand if
you do not tell him how you feel. Those feelings will
haunt you for the rest of your life.
Do it for your heart." I say in an unconvincing
voice.
"I'll think about. I'll see you at the party,I love
you."She says before dropping the call.

In forty five minutes we are in Countryview. Linda

keeps letting out loud gasps as we passthese
unbelievable huge,beautiful properties.

"You look nice." Nobuhle says gazing at me

"Thank you,you look decent yourself."She half-smiles
thinking I'm returning the complement.
Old Rob is doing his best to illustrate the themeof
"unwelcome" with every word and posture.
Honestly I feel him,I also do not want to be here.
The lovely helper escorts us to the huge dinningtable.
People are already seated. There are three
unoccupied chairs. Linda seats next to
mama,meaning the vacant two are meant for me and
Old Rob. Just great.
"It's nice of you to join us Kenya."Why is
everyone sticking to this Kenya name.
I nod.
"I brought a friend,I hope you do not mind."I say.
"There's enough food and seats for
everyone."Mama says.
I nod.
"Let us hold hands and pray."She says bowingher
head.
Now I have to hold this crocodile's hand.
Mama says a long ass prayer before we dine. The
kids are all grown. I only recognise Majesty.She
looks so much like my sister and there is abit of me
in her.

I glance at the huge wall clock routinely, something

I have been doing for the past fourtyminutes.
"So are we suppose to sit here listening to the
agonizing sound of cutlery,acting like everythingis
good. Does she even want me here mama?
Look at her she can barely look at me. I disgusther.
Linda let's go." Everyone watches in stunned
silence.
"You will sit your ass down Kenya. I am still your
mother. Sit your ass down young lady." My mother
says pointing her finger at me.
"I am sorry but I cannot mama." I push back
rising from my chair. All eyes are on me.
"Let's go Linda."I kiss my mother's cheek.
"I will call you."I say. She's hurt,I can tell by the
look in her eyes.
"Kenya please."Mama says with her voice thick with
emotion. My throat suddenly feels swollen;I have to
clear it twice before speak."I cannot mama." I shake
my head. I cannot,I will not.
Buhle has her eyes on me.We stare at eachother
for a long moment.
"Thank you for having us."
As we walk out,a sharp jolt of unease pierces my
stomach as I realize how hurt my mother
probably is.
"Sis,you don't seem to have a good relationship with
your sister."Linda's voice disturbs my train of
thought.
"Our relationship is pretty much non-existent
Linda."I say.
"You know sis,life is too short. You should make
amends with your sister."I smile.
"You are right Linda,life is indeed too short." Shegoes
on and on about the importance of family and
appreciating one another while we are still alive. I
stop listening after a few minutes, lettingher quick
voice become just a hum in the background as I settle
into my train thoughts.
The drive is silent,the uber driver is decent enough
to make small talks with Linda,here andthere.
Bella is fast asleep on my chest. I also feel sleepy oh
God there's a post baby shower that Ineed to attend.
I need a two hour nap just to rejuvenate.
It's 3 o'clock and Amo should be here in the next
minute. I have changed into a backless powder
pink summer dress with slits on eitherside. I have
not bought my godchild anything.
A knock on the door,she's here. I grab my purseand
descend downstairs.
"Hey mami,you look fresh."We hug.
"You are late."I say.
"Is Bella asleep."I
nod,a lie.
"You will see her when we come back. Come onlet's
go."
"Okay okay."We walk into her car.
"You look stunning darling. That black ass
makes your butt a little bigger. Damn girl,youare
serving."
"So Monde?Is he like present in Amo's life?"She
sighs, not meeting my gaze.
"I do not want to talk about Monde right
now."She says starting the ignition.
"It's okay."I say.
"Have you decided on a name?" She asks
focused on the road.
"Yes,Sir Khalil-Zyon Ojokwor." I say.
"I thought Nkosi's surname was Zulu."She says
confused.
"It's a long story."I reply.
The drive to Rooderpoort is a short one withlittle
Amo making her cute baby talks.
The whole place is pink and grey. Whoever
organised this went all out. From the tiffany
chairs,fresh flowers,ballons,the ballerinas, a pink
grand piano at the center of the room. It'stoo much
not something I would not go for butit's beautiful.
People are gathered in small groups.
"Woow. Zi went all out."
With each small group we pass,they glance atus.
It's not a friendly glance.
Something is up. I can tell by the way most
people are looking at us.
"There’s something . . . strange about the way
people are looking at us. Or maybe it's my
imagination. I’m being silly, aren’t I?" I could do
with a few glasses of champaign but the situation
does not allow.
She laughs and then gestures grandly toward the
backyard,where most people are. I spot Ziyanda
before Amo does. She is dressed in a long white
dress that has an opening on eithersides of her
waist. She is also heavily pregnant.
"There's Zi let's go join them."Amo says pullingmy
arm.
"The lady of the hour is here. . . yaay!" I can see
right through her,she being sarcastic.
She then signals for the microphone.
"Hi,can we all be seated. The lady of the hourhas
arrived."She says and everyone obeys.
Amo is all smiles while my eyes wonder around.
Almost everyone has their cellphones out. Bluehas a
stupid smirk on her face,she quickly winks at me.
"Amo,something is up. I swear." Just then Zi calls
Amo to the the stage that has been set up.
I glare at Ziyanda, and she smiles back impishlyand
turns her focus to the almost large mass.
"You know when they say our cousin's are our first
friends. That was the case with my beautiful cousin
Amohelang. She was more than a friend to me,more
like a blood sister. I loved and trusted her. She has
uhm seen me atmy weakest and she has always been
there to pick me up. She loved me atleast that's
what I thought until she opened her legs for my man.
Imean I have always known that she envied my
life,she was dating some broke ass taxi driver and I
on the other side had my wonderful, now
fiance,Monde. My dearest cousin could not
stand the thought of me being happy with a man
who truly loved me. That's why Amo decided to
open her skank legs and trap my man with that ugly
ass baby. That's if she realyis my man's baby. No
wonder my father rapedyou, that's if he actually
did,you cannot keep them legs closed." Loud gasps
from the audience,I walk up to Amo,take little Amo
into my arms and grab her arm. Somehow she is
frozen.
"Amo let's go."
I knew coming here was a bad.
"Yeah right,run with your little skank hoe. She
gonn steal your man too."
This damn uber is taking too long. The destination
in my house. I cannot leave her likethis.
When we reach Bryanston,there's another car
parked in the driveway. It's Apryl's. Great.
I carry little Amo on my arms as we make ourway
inside the house.
"Ms Apryl is here to see you."Linda says.The
Good Wife 030

Amo is sleeping upstairs, Linda was thoughtful

enough to lend us her room. The kids are playing
with Linda at the driveway. I am left withApryl.
"Hi.How are you?"Is she serious?!
"I am good. How can I help you Apryl?"
"I came here to apologize for uhm you know."I
nod,I honestly do not want to go there.
"It was not your fault Apryl. I also played a partin
my break up with Nkosi but now Nkosi and Iare in
a good space and I do not want to to blame
yourself in any way. You are not at fault."She
nods. The last thing I want to do is
cause a drift between siblings.
"And so we are clear Apryl,I love your brother
wholeheartedly and I know my past actions have
proven otherwise but I assure you that is not the
case. Nkosi is my life." Her face puckersup like she’d
just licked a lemon
"Well. . . er." She hesitates for a moment,
playing uncomfortably with her car keys.
She glares at me for a few seconds.
"I guess we are good then." It was disconcertingthe
way she said this, like it would be a good thing if
weren't just good.
"I should get going."She says.
"Ohh you look nice,the pregnancy and all. You
look good."I murm a thank you.
That went well. Just as she is about to reachthe
door,she turns back.
"Is it about the money?"
"What?!" She takes two steps towards me.
"Nkosi,do you love him for his money?"Her
voice is abruptly sharper.
I am certainly not doing this with her right now.
"I owe you no explanation. Now please see
yourself out." I say with a calm and collected
voice.
"So it is about the money,his wealth right?I’m
trying to understand here, and I’m coming up
blank." She persists.
"Right now you worked up for no reason. It's notlike
we were dating or anything Apryl. You knowwhat the
problem with you is,you get too attached so easly. I
love him amd that's that and I am sorry if I gave you
the impression that Imight be into you because I
clearly am not."
"I am inlove with you." She mutters, her voice
almost inaudible.
"That's very nice of you,I mean uhm to be inlovewith
me and all.Thank you."I let the sarcasm flow thick.
"Right. I should really get going."She says takinga
step back.
"You should."I say.
Liwa should be here in the next few minutes. I have
asked him to fetch Amohelang's car from
Rooderpoort. Amo was in no state to drive and Ion the
other hand cannot drive.
A knock on the door,that should be Liwa.
"Come in."I half shout from the kitchen.
It's Liwa,he looks different.
"You look different bhuti."I say as he envelopesme
into a warm hug.
"I have been hitting the gym sis. The new hair cut
maybe,made me a little bit younger. How are you
and my nephew?"
I chuckle.
"More like ten years younger. Palesa ukuphathe
kahle ngiyabona. Ona le glow nyana motho. Youalso
look happy bhuti." His smile widens. His eyes are
happy,if there's one person who deserves so much
happiness,it has to be Liwa.
"She makes me happy,that woman makes it her
mission to put a smile on my face. How is Amo?" I
sigh.
I spend a few minutes telling him about whattook
place earlier.
"It's okay sis. I will take it from here."
Liwa leaves with Amo after promising to callme
before she sleeps.
I still cannot believe Ziyanda would go to such
extreme heights to humiliate Amo.
Amo is not a saint either but no one deservessuch
humiliation.
"What's wrong sis?" It is so easy to talk to Linda.
When she asked a question like that, I could tellthat
she wasn’t just morbidly curious. She was
concerned.
"I just do not understand how we woman hate each
other so much." I brief her in today's turnof events.
"I guess for us women,it's easier to break and tore
each other down. It's a vicious cycle,the other
woman is always the one who takes the blame. This
other day I read this phrase from one of my poetry
books,"there is no much thingas perfect. No one is
free from fault,no one evergoing to always say the
right things,the way welook is not perfect because
perfect is a figmenthumans make up in their minds
from pictures of 'ideal' men and women.' We have
been subjected to these societal beliefs that we as
women are weak and that's why we always feelthe
need to bring each other down. With us it's
always a competition. You see when I was growing
up,I was envious of my sister. She wasso beautiful
and everyone always felt the need to complement
her. She was everything that I was not and I hated
her. I was the albino and she was dark,pretty,clever.
For me it was easierto hate her,I kept looking for
something wrong in her features,I never had
confidence in the shape of my silhouette. I needed
some sort of validation. When I couldn't find
anything wrongwith her,I started to see things that
weren't there. Hate lives dormant in each and every
oneof us,waiting for external influence to fuel it's
intensity." How come I never realized the fire in
Linda.
"But now when I look at myself in the mirror. Isee
a strong beautiful woman. So Ziyanda is just
looking for someone to hate not realisingthe
enemy she should give attention to is theone in
her head."
This girl never cease to amaze.
"I would like to know more about yourself Lind. I
never realized you were quite an interesting
person." She smiles and grabs a knife to help me
peel the potatoes.
"So,what are we cooking?" She asks.
"I was thinking creamy mash with chives,smoked
asparagus wrapped with hamand steak." I say.
"See,that's why I misses your cooking."
It's twenty to ten and everyone is asleep. I am
waiting for my man. We still have to watch our
favorite comedy show,The Fresh Prince Of Bel
Air,Will is hilarious and I have this crush on
Hillary. I also love her fashion sense.
I cannot sleep without my man these days. Isleep
well in his arms.
I hear the sound of the key turn.
"Hey baby,someone is up."I throw myself at
him,kissing his exquisite face.
"I missed you baby."I say with almost tears.I am
such a cry baby these days. "Hey,daddy is
here."
"How was your day?"I say taking his trainers off."It
was hectic,I lost two patients."
"I'm sorry my love. Let me warm up your
food."He smiles. I plant a wet kiss on his coldlips.
Till this day,this man still gives me butterflies.
I warm up his food after serving him with luke
warm water to wash his hands.
"Before we eat,I have something to tell you my
love." I never eat without Nkosi just like I never
watch Fresh Prince without him.
"Uh-huh."I say straddling him.
"What is it my love?"I snake my arms around hisneck
and kiss him. He looks at me with unfathomable
eyes.
"Fifi-" he trails off.
"I got a call from a hospital in Sandton the
evening. She is sick,very sick and she won't make it
to the end of this week. She has askedto see the
both of us with Bella "
Woooh. Just then the microwave beeps.The
Good Wife 031

A wet kiss at the base of my neck wakes me upfrom

my deep slumber. I slowly open my tired eyes and I
am met by his exquisite face. A smileinvoluntarily
curves. There's slow music playing.I prayed silently
and fervently that this is not of those episodes that
people with bipolar disorder experience. I still need
to educate myself more about this disorder. Each
and
every time he takes his pills,I always make an
excuse to exit the room.
"Hey my wife."He says planting another kiss onmy
dry lips. He puts his warm hands on either side of
my face and fixes his brown eyes on mine.
"What's going on? Where's Star?"I say
stretching my arms.
Bella slept with us yesterday.
He places his index finger on my lips.
"May I have this dance."He says stretching hishand
out.
What is going on?
My eyes fall on our bedside clock.
"Nkosi,it's four in the morning,are you okay?He
smiles and I shake my head in confusion.
"Baby come one. Do not over think things. Let's
dance."Just then our baby kicks,I hold my
swollen stomach in laughter.
"He just kicked." He laughs with me,"That is his way
of saying good morning mama. Now comeon baby."I
grunt stretching my hand out to his.
We move slowly to Lionel Richie's I call it love. I
occasionally step on his toes.
"I love you."I whisper in his ear.
"I love you most baby."He says twirling me
around. I nearly lose balance.
"Happy birthday my love."he whispers against my
lips,his tongue lightly traces the shape of my lips.
My head is spinning, the air is coming too fast and
shallow. I am almost out of breath.
"I made you a cake."I can hear the smile in his
voice as he kisses my forehead.
"You can bake?"I ask.
"Something like that."He says kissing the tip ofmy
nose, I shake my head biting my lips.
He places me on the kitchen counter and the
whole kitchen lights up.
"Close your eyes."He commands.
Seconds later I hear footsteps striding away from
me. I carefully open one eyes,he's openingthe
refrigerator. He takes out a bowl of something in
the freezer. He gently close the freezer drawer and I
close me eyes.
"You can open them now."He says.
Its a cake-like thing made of icecream and
oreos.
"You like it?" He laughs, exuberant with relief.
"Nkosi,I love it. Thank you." We both share the ice
cream cake in comfortable silence. It tastes
weird,weird good.
"We have to talk about Bella's mother." He
inhales deeply, and then let out a gusty sigh.
"Fine."
"I think Bella should not-I mean she is a kid and I do
not want her having the only memory of her
biological mother,lying lifeless in a death bed.
Can you like-" I take a deep breath and count
slowly to five.
"uhm work something out that will not exposeher
to that kind of scene." His eyes hold minefor an
immeasurable moment.
"I am not being selfish or anything but
Nkosi,she is just a kid."I say breathless.
He puts his hand under my chin, and holds myface
so that he can read my eyes.
"You are one selfless I know but I will have to talk
to Fifi about this. I know you mean well butit would
also mean a lot to Fifi to see Bella. It'sonly right
and fair that we atleast grant her thatwish."
"You are right. Fif has every right to Bella."I say,he
smiles and It looks effortless.
"You are Bella's mother as much as she is but right
now it would not hurt to be fair about this whole
situation." He smiles at me, and I can seeno trace of
apprehension in his beautiful brown eyes.
"I am thinking of sending people to your homestead
for the dowry negotiations. I want todo this the right
way but first I would love to meet with your mother
since you mentioned that she is around Gauteng. It
would be lovely tohave dinner with her. Then I can
maybe meet your father a little later."
Why did not I think of that,but this meeting upwith
my father is impossible.
"I would love that."I say.
He grabs my arm and wrenches me into one ofhis
bone-crushing hugs. I can barely breath.
After we finish our ice cream cake,he carriesme to
bed.
I close my eyes and snuggle closer into his
chest.
"I love you."I am not really sure who said it
between us two but I think it was me or maybehim.
He said something else, something low, but I was
already asleep.
I wake up to an empty bed,there is a note and a
white rose on the pedestal.
"Gone to work my love. You were sleeping so
peacefully and I thought it would be decent ofme
not to wake you up. Heads up, my nephewwill pop
in some time this afternoon.
I love you"
"Great,makhosini."I say to myself allowing someacid
to leak into my voice.
Linda is already awake,feeding Bella.
"Good morning."I say grabbing a carton of milk
from the refrigerator. I do not fancy granola
bars this morning.
"You look tired sis."Linda saying tickling Bella's full
stomach.
"I have a long ass day."I fill her up on the dinner
plans. I have already texted my mother and she is
keen.
"You do not seem to have a great relationship with
your sister. Are you okay with that."This is not the
first time Linda has asked me the samequestion.
"I am okay with a lot of things Linda."I say a bit
annoyed.
"Sis you do know that you cannot move to
subsequent chapters of life if you have not made
peace with your past and the people in it."The last
thing I need is Linda's smart mouth.
"Can you please go on and check Bella. She's been
quite."I say trying to keep the tone of myvoice even
Just then,there is a knock on the door.
"Slim?"He looks great in a slim fit burgundy suitwith
loafers. His facial hair nearly cut, hair neatly
trimmed to perfection. He looks like
money,dollars,pounds definitely not rands.The way I
stare at him.It is like a blind man seeing the sun for
the first time, like a mother looking into the face of
her newborn child. But he has nothing on the man I
am inlove with.
"Makhosini,uhm hi-yeah hi."I am suddenly a bit
nervous.
"My uncle-wait are you-are you the wild
horse,uhm sorry I mean,are you the fiancee hehas
been bragging about?"I hesitantly nod.
"Wow!Small world." The shape of his lips is a
perfect double curve,how come I never noticed.
"Come in,yeah come on in."I say allowing himspace
to pass. I rack my brains in panic, tryingcome up with
something sensible to say.
"Can I offer you anything to drink,water,juice or
would you prefer something stronger?Nkosi hasa
bottle of an 18 year old whiskey."I am rumbling.
"Slim,relax. I know my way around here."His
hand carefully placed on the base of my
shoulder.
My eyes are adjusted enough to see the bright
gleam of his smile.
"Uhm,okay. I am sure you would like to see Bella.I
will bring her in a minute." I really do not understand
why is it that I am nervous. I feel a silent laugh shake
through him.
"Do you mind if I use your stove?"I shake my
head exhaling in a big awful gust. How long
have I been holding my breath?
I watch as he feeds bella the omelette he has made.
I want to protest but then decide againstit. He is
fond of her,they are both fond of each
other.
"She is such a beautiful happy kid."He says lifting
her high up in the air. Just then my phonerings.
"Hey babe."It's Amo.
We have not really talked about what transpiredthe
other day.
"How are you?"She sighs.
"Good,I guess. I called because I want to apologise
for what happened the other day. I should not have
objected you to that kind of scene. You should not
have absorbed so much negative energy." This not
about me,I voice thatout.
"I just cannot get over the fact that my own
blood went to such extreme measures to
humiliate me."I sigh.
"Amo,as much as I am against with what
Ziyanda did and said,you are not the only victim
here."I say.
"I do not believe you right now Slim. You are
choosing her side over mine. You are saying it was
okay and acceptable for her to call me outon my
rape."Her voice is a few octaves higher.
"The are no sides here Amo. I am just trying to
make you understand that-"
"That I am the villain in this situation. That I amthe
bad guy. That I deserved all the things shesaid about
me. Is that what you are saying Slim?" She says
cutting me off mid-sentence.
"First of all that is not what I am saying. Ziyandais a
victim as much as you are. The villain in thiswhole
thing is that scumbag Monde. Yes,you mistakenly
dropped your panties for him and the yield is an
innocent baby but-
"Woah so are you saying that I am a whore?" This
escalating to another level that none of us
intended.
"Again Amo,that is not what I am saying. Youare
not a whore. What I am saying is ,all thiscould
have been avoided had-"
She cuts me off again.
"Had I what?Had I not slept with Monde and noSlim
I didn't drop my panties for him because I did not
wear one. You seem to forget that you ain't perfect
either. You are an ex convict and I never called you
out nor judged you on that."I sitvery still, absorbing
this,her words.
"I think it's best that I end this call before we both
say things that we might regret later." I amtrying
very hard to be calm.
"Keng ousie nnete ya baba?"I drop the call. I
absolutely do not need this.
My mother will be here any minute from now. I am
nervous on behalf of Nkosi. He seems calmand
collected.
"Baby,are you alright. You seem distant." Thereis so
much concern in his voice.
"I am fine."I lie immediately, a reflex reaction. I
can tell he saw through it.
"You are being untruthful. Are you not ready totalk
about it?"I nod.
"It's okay." He stares into my eyes as he strokesmy
cheek, and I feel the blood rush up to color my skin.
"You are nervous. You really need to calm down
babe. It's just dinner."How I wish I could believethat.
"This takes me back to that day you cried because I
wouldn't have sex with you. You wereboth nervous
and angry. It was hysterical. I tellyou."
Lol. Did he have to go there.
"You had to go there babe. You are such a
badass ."I gasp out between the paroxysms of
giggles.
He smiles his crooked smile at me. Just then acar
pulls up in the driveway.
"That should be her."I say.
I impatiently tap foot waiting for a knock.
"I am so nervous. I cannot help it."I say rubbingmy
hands.
A knock on the door.
"Mama. Awusemhle."She has on one of her best
church outfits.
"I brought some people. I hope you do not mind." I
peek behind her,Nobuhle and Rob standproudly
behind her.
Wow!
The Good Wife 032
You see,I have a choice in this whole situation ,Ihave
the upper hand,I can be a bitch or I could just
channel my inner classy self and control the whole
situation without even dripping a sweat. It's best
you remain calm and collected when the devil keeps
poking you. Never give him power over you. Never
give negative energy power over your sanity.
Today I got an e-mail from Woke women in
business regarding a proposal I sent monthsago. I
am scheduled for a follow up interviewand I will
not let these intruders dampen mymood. I still
have to tell Nkosi.

"Can we all close our eyes,I will lead the

prayer."I say reaching for Nkosi's hand
underneath the table.
"They keep on trying me lord,your people keepon
trying me lord. Please grant me the strength
to get through this dinner without giving into the
devil's trap. I am very good person. Amen."I glance
around the room,mother is shaking her head in
disbelief. Three pairs of eyes are questioning my
sanity.
"Bon appetit."I grab a knife cutting through my
lamb shank.
My mother clears her throat,"So,Nkosi,I believe you
are the one who impregnated my daughter."I am not
comfortable having this conversation right now. Not
around these two intruders.
"Mama,can we-" She raises a finger as a way of
cutting me off.
"Are you Nkosi?"I just stare at her.
"Good."She says after giving me a deadly stare.
I am mad,I do not like being dismissed,I makean
effort to calm myself.
"Yes ma'am,I am the one who impregnated your
daughter and I also plan to have her hand in
marriage.I love her with all that I am." I watch his
face carefully for any change in expression.His face
is calm, but just a little too smooth. I search his
face for something else, but there isnothing to find.
"My daughter has a good heart and she is stubborn.
That's a deadly combination for mostmen. She has
been through a lot." I want to say something but I
feel like there is something sticking in my throat, I
try to clear the obstruction but instead there is this
huge lump.
I watch as my mother grills Nkosi,but it seems as if
Nkosi has her eating out from the palm ofhis hand.
Little exaggerated laughs here and there. Rob and
Nobuhle engage in the conversation. I have made it
my mission not toacknowledge them. Right now they
do not existuntil I decide otherwise.
The sound of Rob's laughter has me rolling my
eyes every now and then. Why am I being
sidelined?
"Are you done now?" I ask in an expressionless
voice and they all turn their attention on me.
Mama has this disapproving look.
"Zamo we are just having a casual conversation.No
need to be petty about it."Ndiyalingwa. Out of the
corner of my eye, I could see that Robert is watching
me, carefully evaluating my reaction.
"Who are you again? You and I do not know each
other,do we?"I remind her in a cold voice.The pain
of the memory bites into me like the lash of a whip.
"Mama,why did you bring them?"She keeps quite. I
guess when the devil keeps on provoking you-you do
not have enough time topull together a calm façade.
"Baby calm down."Nkosi says squeezing my hand. I
did not even realise that I am on my feet.
"I want you to have a relationship with your
sister Nomzamo. What childish nonsense isthis,I
am a mother and just like any mother Iwant my
only two remaining children to getalong."
"Just like any mother ma?Did you even know that
today it's my birthday or you are too caughtup in this
little fantasy you live in. You cannot even protect
your precious Nobuhle from that vicious unstable
animal."I say pointing at Rob, who has his hands in
a clenched fist. A strangegleam comes into mother's
eyes, as though something has just occurred to her,
somethingthat was not altogether unpleasant.
"He bit her into a pulp. She miscarried but you
turned a blind eye on that. What kind of a mother
are you?" My heart thumps unevenly as Iuttered each
words.
"The bible-"
I cut her off.
"The bible mama?Does it condone a man liftinghis
hand to his wife?When he beats her to death,what
are you going to tell her children,areyou also going
to quote a scripture from the bible for them?"
"Baby please calm down,think of our son."There is
this ferocious longing in his voice.
"I think you should all leave."I manage to say
breathless. It is silent for almost two heartbeats.
"This is so unnecessary and mundane."Nobuhlesays
rolling her big eyes.
"You should all go. I will not have my wife
attacked at her own home. Please leave."His
voice is calm, but I can hear the subdued
distaste. He is trying to be polite.
After they leave Nkosi clears the table,I watchhim
as he throws each plate in the dishwasherwith so
much anger.
"You knew Rob and his wife who happens to be your
biological sister and you did not tell me. Is there
anything else that I should know?"There is a leak of
acid in his voice.
"Are you starting a fight Nkosi?" I ask with the
same tone as his.
"Because if that's that case,I find going backand
forth with you wearisome."I add.
"Transparency is key,we agreed on that Nomzamo.
We should be transparent with eachother."He huffs.
I take five steady breaths. "Yes,
I know them."I confess.
"Well,are you going to brief me on the nature ofyour
relationship?"
I nod.
"Robert is the reason I went to jail..."I further explain
the whole situation by the time I finish I
am in tears.
"I hate him. I hate her. I hate them Nkosi."I have
never realized the resentment I have towards my
sister until now. How long has it been residing
inside me?
Nkosi carries me to bed,he has not spoken aword
ever since my revelation.
I try to read the expression in his eyes. All I cansee is
thoughtfulness, he has kept everything else hidden, if
there is anything else.
"Your arms and heart are my safe place."I
say,he processes that for a moment and asmile
curves into his lips.
"You are my life Nomzamo."
He carefully lays me on the huge grey couch on our
bedroom. We both still need to shower,just then his
cellphone rings from his pocket.
I watch as he listens intently to the person on
the other line. He keeps nodding I wait for a reaction
but he gives none, I am suddenly nervous. He sighes
a few times before droppingthe call. He glares at me
as he shuts his phone.
"Fifi died 8 minutes ago."He says helpless.
We were suppose to visit her tommorow
morning.
God!
"Nkosi,is your bipolar disorder hereditary?"I
don't know where that came from but I regretted
the words the moment they left mymouth.
I don't look up to see his reaction, afraid to know
how much pain I had inflicted. After a long
moment of silence, I finally look up at his
expression.
"Come here baby."He says patting the space next to
him. He moves his hands to place themon either
side of my face, forcing me to meet
his gaze.
This is what I have been dreading.

The Good Wife 033

Today it's windy and cold. I am doing lunch with

mother dearest,if you ask me, I am not really keen
on it. I hold on tight to my jacket as the cold, violent
wind blows in my face. It feels likeit is blowing
straight off a glacier.
I requested an uber 3 minutes ago and it keeps
getting lost around the neighbourhood.This raging
wind is not doing any justice to my hair.
"What the fuck is taking him so long?"I feel likemy
teeth are going to shatter, they are slamming
together so hard. Nkosi would have afit if he saw me
like this.
I should really go for my driving tests. One of
Nkosi's car would come in handy these days.
"Thank you for joining me. I did not really thinkyou
would agree,given the present circumstances."
Her tone is unmistakably sincere.
I nod.
"So how are you?"Her eyes are fixed on me.
"Well. Alive. Healthy. Happy."I say.
"Mh" She answers, an unspoken thought in a
murmur so low I barely made it out.
"Thank you for joining me."She says again.
"You have said that already."I say with a trace of
annoyance.
"Did you manage to get ahold of my father's
family?"I ask.
Nkosi plan on getting married by the end of this
weekend. We have already registered the intention to
marry with the DoHA.
"They won't be herding your dowry negotiations.After
your father had a sex change. They prettymuch
alienated anyone associated with him,blood or not.
Kuxolo sana lwam,but I have talked to Rob and he
doesn't mind stepping in.
He is pretty much family."
The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on
self-control,"What?!" I cannot believe my earsright
now.
"You could have asked your family Ma. You have
distant cousins here in Gauteng. Why do you keep
shoving these people down my unwilling throat. I do
not want either of them inmy life and I would
appreciate if you could just be my mother and not
some mediator. You even forgot my birth day
because you are so invested in your other daughter's
life and affairsthat you forgot about me. Everything
was fine back in East London but now you are a
whole new person. I can barely recognise you as my
mother. Each and every time we meet up,you
always feel the necessary need to bring up them
in our conversation. I am tired."
"You are being petty and childish right now
Nomzamo. You are my daughter,I gave birth to
you,of course I love you. You should not even doubt
that. Nobuhle is mine as much as you areand I love
you both. I am a mother and if wanting my two
daughters to mend their relationship makes me a
bad mother,so be it because I will not stop trying.
You should just get off your high horse and stop
feeling like theworld revolves around you. Meet your
sister halfway because she is the only one trying
here. I do not see you doing that."
Anger rocked through me like the whiplash aftera
heavy punch.
"Wow!Just wow mama. I do not think you are ready
to be my nother so go back to that little paradise of
yours,I am sure Nobuhle needs you
most. Ohh and that little bible of yours,I hope it
moulds a daughter for you because I am no longer
your daughter." Her expression is torn between
anger and disbelief.
Just then a stinging pain lands on my left
cheek,another one follows. She examines myface,
her eyes unfathomable
"You will never talk to me like we are equals,I
birth you Nomzamo Labane. Nx."My anger atthis
point is fleeting, heavily overshadowed bymore
pressing emotions.
Before I could get the first syllable out,a sarcastic
laugh escapes my lips. I couldn’t findthe muscles to
make my mouth open, to pull the air up from my
lungs.
I grab my purse and exit the restaurant.
When I get home it's a little over six o'clock. Iwent
past Amo's house but there was no onehome.
Linda took Bella to a kid's party somewhere inthe
complex.
I grab a tin of frozen strawberry yoghurt and I
fleece. I have not watched Being Mary Jane in along
time. I am trying so much not to replay my
conversation with mother,just for my own sanity.
By the time I am on the third episode,I amdrowsy.

"Hey baby."I feel him gently shake my shoulder.I fell

asleep.
"Hi."I adjust my eyes to his gaze.
"You just got here?"I ask.
I glance at the television,it is still playing.
"I just got here. You fell asleep on the
sofa,again."He says cupping my face. I need to
stretch.
"Where's Linda?"My voice is barely audible.
"She's in the kitchen preparing dinner. Bella isfast
asleep."I should be doing that.
He helps me up to my feet.
"Hi. You smell nice."
I wrap both my arms around him, refusing to allow
any space between us. His lips find mineand we
explore our mouths like never before, his lips
exultant. His mouth follows the line of my jaw,
explores the length of my neck. I shiveras I feel his
teeth graze my earlobe.
Without breaking the kiss, he swings me up sothat I
am cradled in his arms and carries me into out
bedroom.
"You have beautiful eyes. How was work?"He
sighs.
"We have to talk baby."I say.
"I am all ears."He says taking off his trainers.
"Our finances,well not that I have any at the
moment but I would like to suggest a prenup sothat
your finances and anything that can be accumulated
is protected. I do not want you to think that you are
my financial breakthrough." Itry to keep my voice
firm and reasonable. His eyes are intent on my face
as I struggle to further explain.
"A prenup will protect your assests and you willnot
have a duty to pay support or alimony to me."As
soon as the words are out, I flush with chagrin,he
probably thinks I am stupid.
He scrutinizes my face for long moment while Itry
unsuccessfully to twist away from his gaze.A low
chuckle escapes from his lips. I feel so stupid right
now.
"Anything else? While you’re already being
absurd?"His voice is low and soft. The slight edge
would have been hard to detect if I didn’tknown it
so well.
I exhale with a loud huff,Nkosi is being
unreasonable for no reason.
"Baby,I love you and you need to understand that
what's mine is yours. My money is yours just like
my heart. You talking about a prenup feels like you
are already planning our marriageannulment." I
detect some strong emotion burning under the
casual tone of his voice. An unexpected swell of
shame distorts my expression. I honestly did not
mean it like that.
"I don't care about money Nomzamo,it will not keep
me warm at night,it will not love me unconditionally
and it will definitely not make sweet love to me." I
stare into his eyes, trying todecipher the emotion
that smolders just under the surface. He looks into
my eyes with a change of expression with no trace of
his casual pretense.
Just then his razor cuts through his chin,leavinga
small trail of blood. I smile with a slightly
vindictive satisfaction.
"Ouch!"
I brief him on my lunch with my mother.
"You have me baby. Let's just get married tomorrow
and forget about the rest. We can gettwo strangers
who will pose as witnesses."I smile.
"Let's do that. It's only me and you ohh and ourlittle
family."
"Let me make some calls baby."
I wake up feeling lighter,happy. Today I choose
happiness. Happiness is a choice.
Nkosi is still fast asleep next to me,I take the little
time I have to appreciate his beauty. Hislove.
"Hey stalker."He says in his sleep.
"Hi baby."I say.
We take a warm shower together with his
manhood frequently poking my ass.
By eleven o'clock we are done.
"Just promise me one thing." He says removinga
booger on my nose.
I am hesitant, ready to rescind.
"What's that?"I say.
"Sex every day and night."He says with a smirk.
"No."I say.
The drive to Randburg is a long one. Linda has
Bella on her arms.
"Sisi you look like you have walked out of a
fashion catalogue. I am not sure about bhuti's
choice of shoes though."
I am wearing an off white off shoulder tight dress
with push ins and Nkosi is wearing a black tight
jean with a black turtleneck and redsneakers with
his long beige coat.
"This has been long over due man."Qhawe,his
colleague says patting his shoulder. He is quitea
reserved person.
He reaches out for my hand as we walk into the
courthouse. Linda and Bella behind us. Qhawe is
making a phone call in front of us.
The pastor is standing in place with the bible.
I am so nervous. All of this is so surreal. Had
someone told me that someday I would be standing
before a priest ready to get marriedwith Nkosi,I
would have damn right believedthem.
"Hi."He says with a smile.
"Hi."I say matching his smile.
"Everytime I looked at you,I used to feel unworthy
of your love. You are so perfect that Iam reminded
of my imperfections when I lookat you. Sometimes
this-our love feels so surreal,I have fallen for you
and I do not think
It's healthy to love a person this way."His expression
is calm, but the pain in his eyes isunconcealed. I am
blinking back tears.
"Slim,you have brought life,light and love into my
life. Now,when I look at you,I see my heart,my
life,my everything. I breathe for you,forus,for life we
have brought here together,the lifeinside of you.
Nomzamo you are my safe place,my home. You
allow me to breakdown and it feels so damn natural
to breakdown infront of you because I know your
warm, capable arms will lift me up and the sound of
your beating heart will soother my pain.You loveme
more than I deserve."I laugh at the impossibility of
that idea. I swallow, my throat suddenly so dry I am
not sure if I can make sound come out. The pain in
his voice almost tangible-it burns against my skin
like acid, a slow torture.
"Most times it feels like I am not loving you the
you should be loved and it kills me Nomzamo,it
fucken kills me, tell me how to do it right,tell me how
to love you right." His voice is pained.
"You are doing it more than right my love. I
wouldn't have it any other way." I couldn’t makemy
voice louder than a whisper. For one brief, never-
ending second I knew this is how it's suppose to be
and for the tiniest fragment of that second,I knew
where I belong,in his heart.
His life.
"You are not crying,are you?"
"I am baby." I mutter, laughing weakly at myself
through the tears that are suddenly sobs. I reach
out to touch his beautiful face,my hand smooth
against his hard cheek, he exhales at my touch and
closes his eyes. For a minute I could hear the
beating of his heart, slow and even. I try to clear
my head, to find a way to speak.
"You are one annoying person but I love you."
A dozen emotions flitter across his face beforehe
settles on being amused. I take a deep, ragged breath,
trying to control myself.
"Nkosi,my eternal love. You loved me when I couldn't
love myslef. I know this will sound a little bit cliche
but you are my air,my sun and myfavourite,my rain."I
had to wait for a minute before I could speak,
experiencing all these emotions at once was
overwhelming.
"I fell inlove with your imperfections before your
perfections. You are everything and more baby. You
are my heart and thank you for trusting your heart
with me. I fell inlove with you effortlessly and I still
fall inlove with you every second effortlessly." I
worked to make my voicelighter, but I stayed honest.
He smiled and thenreached into the pocket of his
jeans.
"Now please repeat after me. . . "we say each
word after him.
"I vow to love you in sickness"
"And in health."I say
"For richer,for poor"
"Til death do us part."
He hold my face, searching it for a brief time. Heat
coursed through my veins, burning wheremy skin
touched his.
"Forever?"He asks, a smile in his voice.
"Forever."I say.
The Good Wife 034

There is something so sacred and beautiful about

waking up being married,this weight onyour ring
finger. You glow differently and yourhair grows a
few inches,your pupils dilate andyour cheeks burn
with colour. I let my mind
wander idly for a moment before I jump off the bed.
Nkosi was called in-in the wee hours of themorning.
Someone will always need him more that I do,it
sucks and I know it is something I will never getused
to. We still have to talk about Bella's custody now
that Fifi is no more. Nkosi tried totrace down her
relatives with no luck. That's what happens with you
have unprotected sex with strippers.The hospital
refuses to give out any useful information. She left
nothing and allthis is taking its toll on Nkosi.
Bella has a one o'clock appointment with her
cardiologist and I have a three o'clock
appointment with my ob/gyn.
My phone rings from the pedestal,I try to tune itout as
I focus on my kicking baby.
Whoever is calling does not plan on stopping
anytime sooner.
"My wife."That infuriating, irresistible smilebreaks
across his face.
"Hey baby. What's good?"
"I just wanted to hear my wife's voice,I asked
Makhosini to drive you to your appointment andhe'll
be there in an hour."
I nod.
"I love you Nomzamo."He says my name withan
understated fervor.
"You are my lifetime partner,my forever Nkosi." Isay
abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words.
It is impossible not to see the fanatical gleam in his
eyes,"I love you baby but Ihave to go. See you in a
few."
Just as I got off the call with Nkosi,anotherincoming
call. Amo.
"Hi,how are you?"She says on the other end.
I nod, not really sure how my voice would come
out.
"Slim,are you there?"I clear my throat.
"I'm good. Thank you."
"I was hoping that we would maybe talk. I miss
you."There is one short beat of total silence.
"Ever since you met Nkosi,I honestly feel you'veput
all other people in your life on hold. You are way too
invested into your relationship that youeven forgot
about yourself. What happened to the business
plan? Each and every time you callme,it is about
Nkosi, it feels like I do not have any space in your
life. When was the last time we talked about me,us-
our friendship?"I suddenly feel a sudden twinge of
guilt.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but I
cannot force it down.
I suck in a deep breath and close my eyes.
"I am a little miffed that you waited so long to
tell me this. I am an open person Amo and all ofthis
could have been avoided but instead you chose to
keep mum. When you feel a certain way about
something concerning our relationship,you voice it
out. Our relationship used to be natural as
breathing but now I feel like it has become a
constant strain. Now that Iam fully aware of the
underlying issues you hadbefore the Ziyanda saga,I
just wish it did not have to come to this." She breaths
a faint sigh.
"I am sorry."She says a little hesitant,like shedoesn't
know how to phrase what she was thinking.
"I should have said something and I did not." Her
tone is somber. I take a deep breath and hold it
for a minute.
"Can we do this over lunch,tomorrow maybe."
I still need to bath. A sweet smell of muffins hits
my nostrils like a sledgehammer.
I pad off barefooted to where the smell of homebaked
muffins comes from. Linda is already upbaking up a
storm.
"Good morning Linds."I say grabbing twomuffins.
"Good morning sis,Bella is still asleep but I willget
her ready in an hour for her appointment."She says
putting a tray of unbaked dough intothe oven.
"Thank you. You can take the rest of the day
off,go treat yourself or meet up with friends. I
think I will manage."
"How are you feeling?"
"Hungry,nervous about the appointment,both mine
and Bella's but I am happy. I just cannotwait to
pop this child out."My stomach growls,and she
laughs.
It's a few minutes to five and my feet are swollen.
Bella's cardiologist changed her meal
plan and she is scheduled for an appointment intwo
weeks time. The only health concern on myside is my
sky rocket blood pressure. I will just have to wait for
my diabetes test results. I am nervous,this pregnancy
is taking its toll on me. Iwill only breathe when this
baby is out,healthy.
I also did a little shopping,mostly for myself andBella.
"I think we should get take aways,you are in state to
cook."Makhosini who has been with methe whole
day.
"I think your uncle will do the cooking. Linda andI
are on strike. Take aways are a no go area for
now."I say.
"Never thought I would live to say the day hegets
pussy whipped."He says bursting into a spasm of
loud laughter.
I roll my eyes and snort.
"Your such an arse." I whisper through
motionless lips.
"What was that?"He asks.
"Just drive. I am tired,I need to rest." I say
annoyed.
"You so cute when you mad."He whispers into my
ear,I cringe from the proximity. I glare at him
ferociously,"You are not amusing. At all." I say.
"Sis,I will sleep over at a friend's place."
A text from Linda. I sigh,I am barely managing
without her.
Makhosini drops us and speeds off,apparentlyhe
has some business to take care off.
I walk into the house with my Bella fast asleepin my
arms,I use my key to unlock the door andswitch on
the lights.
I still need to feed and bath Bella before she
sleeps,otherwise she will be restless.
I quickly change into my black satin pyjama
shorts that have a bit of detailed lace at the
edges.
"Mama is gonna give you a quick bath baby."She
lookes up and smiles at me , showing her perfect
little front teeth and two dimples. She is so innocent
and happy. I lean inand press my lips to her
forehead.
"You mama in heaven loves you baby."I just wish
Fifi saw this beautiful little creature beforeshe
departed from this earth. A part of me blames
myself.
It's almost midnight and Nkosi was suppose tobe
back an hours and a half ago.
I am starting to worry. I tried his cell several
times but it sends me straight to his mailbox.
I blankly stare at the television waiting for a
knock,the sound of a key turning.
I can feel myself slowly giving into sleep.
The sound of footsteps alarms me. I did nothear the
key turn.
He looks so worn out,his eyes are blood red, hereeks
of brewery.
I stay rooted on the same spot as I watch himstumble
towards me. I'm at a loss of words.I want to cry so
bad.
He falls on his knees before me and holds my legs
for his dear life. He lets out a painful sob that sends
a cold shiver down my spine. All I can do is
embrace him and let the avalanche ofhis tears well
down my legs. I could feel my heart break into
pieces as he clung into me.
I feel so helpless. Only if I knew what was wrong
maybe I could help. I sink into the coldfloor and
embrace him.
"I used to be happy,run around the maze chasing the
sun set with my mother behind me.We were so
happy,so alive. . . "He trails off."I did
not mean to kill her,I was young,stupid. It was a
mistake. I never meant to kill mama. I am sorry.
Mama I am sorry."
I can feel the tremors rock me from head to toe.The
images in my head are fuel, building up theinferno,I
could almost imaging little Nkosi
scared,young,happy.
The ocean of pain.The other shore so far away
across the violent waves.He kisses me, soft as a
whisper at first, and then suddenly stronger, fiercer.
I want to tell him to stop but I know he needs
this.There is this masochistic side of himthat is
slowly surfacing. It's hard to make senseof anything
in the onslaught of sensation, hard to hold on to any
coherent thoughts. The sounds of my pyjamas
tearing apart, he bites my lower lip until I taste
blood.
Within seconds he has me bending,using the edges
of the sofa for balance. It is so uncomfortable but I
do not dare voice that out. I
just want to carry his pain even if it means this.
He roughly grabs my hair and thrusts in,I almostlose
balance. With each and thrust I bite my lip,trying so
hard not to focus on the pain emanating from down
there. Both his hands tighten around my neck,I almost
choke on my breath. My head falls back and he bites
my earlobe,I close my eyes restricting the tears
welling down.
It hurts so bad that I literally feel like my uterusis
being torn into two.
The Good Wife 035

My whole body is sore,I stare at the bruises around

my neck,wrists,shoulders in disbelief.
How did we get here,I am so angry at myself,athim.
I carefully run my finger around the bruiseon my
left shoulder.The bright morning air seems thicker,
as if physically darkened by my
poignancy.
I turn the shower taps on and let the water wash
away the pain. I do not want Nkosi to seeme like
this,weak and vulnerable. I do not wanthim blaming
or hating himself.
I am aware of the sound of the shower door
opening,I feel his presence before I see him.
The atmosphere changes to something
unbearable.
I cannot hold these tears anymore.
"I am sorry."He whispers into my ear.
"I am sorry,I put you and our son in danger. I amso
sorry."He says in a voice like splintering ice.
The pain and desolation is unavoidable
"I am a monster."He makes a low, revolted
sound in the back of his throat.
"No,Nkosi. I will not let you do that to yourself.Look at
me."The edge of panic in my voice is
unmistakable.
His face turns away from mine.
"Nkosi look at me!"I grab his chin and lean forward
so that our faces are inches apart,I cansee the shape
of pain in the hard planes of his face,"You are not a
monster,you hear me!" I struggle to maintain the
razor edge in my voice.His eyes peculiarly opaque .
"I am so sorry Slim. I do not deserve you."He keeps
shaking his head,the tone of his voice istortured.
"Don't-don't say that!"My voice trembles withthe
tears my eyes can no longer shed.
"Never say that again. Never!"I quickly say,my
voice straining higher with each word.
It is perfectly silent for a heartbeat before he
turns the shower taps on again. His lips movean
infinitesimal bit,but nothing comes out.
"I love you."we whisper together, perfectly
synchronized.
"I hate myself. I have never hated myself this
much."He says pulling me for a wet hug.
The silence is ominous for long moment.
"You do not have to. I love you enough for theboth
of us." I say in a placating tone.
"I love you so damn much and I am here Nkosi,Iam
here with you and there is no other place I would
rather be. I am not going anywhere."I choke out, the
words breaking in strange places.
Most times I honestly feel like when I am truly
happy,pain awaits for me not far away. It is as ifmy
happiness overthrows the balance in nature,
whenever I try to be happy is feels so wrong,I feel
undeserving of hapiness,like I am conflicting with
laws of nature. A balance in pain and hapiness.
I change into warm grey adidas pants that
belong to my husband.
"Are you not going to work?"He shakes his head.
Bella will be up in an hour or two.
"Should I make you something to eat?"He shakes his
head,"No,I am not hungry baby. Doyou mind if we
sleep,just for a few hours."I nod
"I need to check on Bella first."He nods, his facestill
rigid with pain,how do I make it better?
Last night I wheeled her cot to our bedroom. I was
not comfortable leaving her all alone in hernursery.
She usually sleeps with Linda. I changeher diaper
careful not to wake her up.
She's a doll when she is sleeping.
I quickly text Amohelang,cancelling our lunch
plans. I am not in the mood for seeing anyone at the
moment. I still have a follow up interviewin three
days.
I also have a missed call from Linda,I do not
bother dialing her back. If it is important she will
leave a message.
"I need to take my vitamins babe,I will be back in a
few."I dart through the door, pulling it shut behind
me. I need a moment to myself,even if it's just a
second.
By the time I return to our bedroom,Nkosi has his
head burried in his hands at the edge of ourbed.
I kneel before him,carefully lifting his head up.He
has been crying.
"Hey."It's almost a whisper.
He smiles,it's not a forced smile.
"Let's cuddle."I say
We cuddle on our huge king size,facing each
other. Our legs tangled,hands intertwined.
"My mother was a drug addict,it all started aftermy
father left him for another man,my mother's
brother. My uncle. He was the love of her life. After
he left,she started to change,she bacamesomeone I
barely recognised. Late nights withpeople I have
never seen her with before.
Started to drown herself in alcohol. She startedto cut
herself. So many scar in the most perfectperson I
knew. I was losing her and I knew that."When I took
my next breath, the air hitchedin my throat, like I
was choking on it. His eyes glistened wetly as he
watched my face. I sharedhis pain.
"One night I found her in her bedroom,laying there
helpless,shivering. She was in pain,her eyes begging
for her antidote. She begged me for her fix. Next to
where I was standing was a syringe. The one she
injected herself with everynight. After an
injection,she would laugh,become alive. Happy.
Smiling. I knew sheneeded it and her pleading eyes
will hunt me forthe rest of my life. I gave her the
injection and
she started to have a seizure,losing consciousness.
Blood coming out from her nose. I stood there
helpless. I killed her. I gave her the injection. I killed
my mother. I killed her."I kiss the tears welling down
his handsome face.
"You were just a kid Nkosi. There was nothingyou
could have done. Substance abuse killedyour
mother not you."
"I know I lied about my past to you before but I was
scared. I was scared that once I bared my
nakedness,the depth of my scars to you-you would
leave me. The thought of you leaving mestill scares.
I am a broken soul,still healing Nomzamo. A lot of
things scare me, the way you love me
unconditionally scares me. You areso perfect,so
innocent."
I felt my face working, trying to find the
expression that went with the grief inside.
The Good Wife 036
Forgiveness Is a gift you give to yourself,buthow
do I go about that advising Nkosi when Ihave not
forgiven myself on a lot of things.
Most times I wonder, how it feels to lead a normal
life. Life without responsibility,family,a life with no
trails of the past maybe. All my life Ihave put my
loved one's interests before mine,Iam reluctant of
who I befriend and who I let intomy inner circle. I
am tired of letting myself be used,I am tired of
having a 'pure'heart. All this cynicism that seeps
through my veins is wearisome,that is why I do not
have friends. I am a loner. It's a curse to have a
heart as big asmine.
When I am caught up in my moment of
silence,it always allows me the latitude to
reflect on life.
"Are you okay baby?"His calm voice distracts
my morbidity.
"Uhm,yeah. I am okay,just thinking."I sayadjusting my
focus.
"Can we talk?"
"Yeah sure. Are you okay?"I ask,he takes a deep
breath and then exhales without speaking.
"You are making me anxious."I say a bit nervous.
Star is snoring delicately against his neck. His
toned torso protruding out unapologetically,whyis he
even shirtless?
He takes another breath and mumbles quickly,
slurring the words together.
"I would love if you could join me for my therapy
sessions with Liv. She thinks it will be of great help
for the both of us but you have to first havea few
sessions with her before I join."It takes me few
seconds, despite how quickly my brain works,to
organize my answer. "Uhm
therapy?With me joining you and Liv?"He nods. I
fight hard to swallow,my throat feels swollen.
"Oh-okay. I will uhm join you since you insist but I
must be honest with you,I am shit nervous and
scared."I confess
"S'all good baby."He says with a deep
satisfaction saturating his tone.
"Nam,I want you to do something for me."
"Anything for my wife." He chuckles exultantly.
"I want you to work things out with Apryl. I amthe
reason for your fall out and I know this is hurting
you.You miss her,you miss your sister."He seems a
little vexed at the mention of his sister's name.
He meets my gaze and our eyes locked for a small
portion of a second and then looks down.
"I sure did not expect that but if that's what you
want,it's what you will get baby." He says with
apparent reluctance. His face glows with an
expression of triumph that I do not understand.
"I will invite her for dinner,is that okay with you?"I
nod,relief and violent joy surged through me.
"I hope this dinner will not exacerbate the statusof
our relationship." I hope so too.
"Speaking of relationships,when are you fixing
things with Amo?"I let out a deep and desolatesigh.
"I do not know, we are both busy at the momentand I
just want to have a peaceful pregnancy. I do not
need negative energy around me. So Amo and the
other people I do not talk to can wait."I say.
"I really do not understand what y'all fighting
about. Amo seems like a great friend."
"Well,when you hang around with a certain typeof
people,you have to stoop to their level to maintain
the relationship,the connection and I
do not plan on doing that. That is why Amo andI do
not talk anymore. Right now I am all aboutfit in or
fuck off."
I have been having this severe abdominal pain
radiating to the back for about a week now andI
have lost a few kilos. Maybe it's my new diet plan.
"Let me go and get changed. We need
groceries."I say walking up the stairs.
The mall is crowded and I loath crowded spaces. If
only people would walk atleast a 100metre away
from me.
"Pork or lamb chops?"He asks as he opens thestore
refrigerator.
"Both,do not forget the chicken breasts and
mashrooms."Bella has put on so much
weight,my arms can barely manage.
"Nkosi,Nkosi Zulu."A voice squeals with joy
behind us.
"Chi!Chichi?"His smile matches hers.
"God!How long has it been,seven years. You look
all grown up and handsome."She says witha smile.
"This is my wife Nomzamo and our daughter
Bella."He introduces us.
I mutter a 'hi'
I stand next to Nkosi mortified,almost invisible
watching as he reminisces on good old times with
Chichi.The thin line between their friendship and
romance is non-existent or maybe jealousy is getting
the better of me. Theylook like old friends who had
been estranged before their friendship had an
opportunity to blossom.
"Nomzamo you have secured yourself a greatguy.
This one has a big heart." I nod, afraid if Iopened
my mouth,I would either say an unpleasant word
or retch.
I watch as she seductively stroke Nkosi's arm and it
almost drives me out of my damn mind with
indignation. Nkosi and I need to establish afew
boundaries.
"Well it was nice meeting you Mrs Zulu."
By the time she leaves,I am way beyond
annoyed. I do not like her.
"You are jealous babe,really?"
"No,I am not!" A slight stretch of the truth,myvoice a
few octaves higher.
He laughs.
"Do you think that was funny?Flirting with her
infront of my child."I squeal,my voice taking an
unnatural pitch.
"I pray you never find out how it feels watching your
partner flirt openly with someone while youstand
there like an imbecile. I really pray hard Nkosi." He
breaks into a laughter.
"You deserve a presidential suite in hell for
making fun of me Nkosi."
"Baby,all of these woman have nothing on you. I do
not look at them like that,they mean nothing to me. I
choose you,everyday."
Well I do not care,I say to myself.
"Whatever."He chuckles and spanks my ass.
I don't get why he always does that but I love it.
"I love your jealous ass."He laughs again,his laugh
is contagious that I find myself laughing.
My cellphone rings,it's my Gynecologist.
"Mrs Zulu,hi. This is Dr Smith,I hope you are well.I
called to inform you about your results. When can
you make time to see me?"
"I can be there in half an hour if that's okay withyou."I
say.
"More than okay Mrs Zulu. I will see you
siin,bye."He says in the other end.
My nerves are sky rocket throughout the drive. Ikeep
on praying endlessly and Nkosi keeps rubbing my
hand absent-mindedly.
Bella is sleeping in her car seat.
We make our way to Dr Smith's office,who hasbeen
waiting for us.
"Mr and Mrs Zulu,welcome. You may sitdown.I'll
get the receptionist to get us water."I am anything
but thirsty.
"No,no thank you Dr. Let's just get straight tothe
point."I say.
"Right."He says.
Nkosi has Bella on his arms.
"We have found a large tumoral mass in the
head of the pancreas."I turn to look at Nkosi who
has this unfathomable look on his face.
"What does that mean Doctor?Is it something that
might put the foetus at risk?"I ask confused.
"Pancreatic cancer."Nkosi says, it's questionbefore a
statement.
"Cancer!What cancer? I cannot have cancer."Isay
convinced. The room is silent,no one hazards a
word.
I have been going for my weekly check ups andmy
gynecologist would never miss something this huge.
I do not have pancreatic cancer.
"We have to deliver the foetus as soon as
possible."I shake my head.
"No!If this baby is delivered now,it will not survive.
We are already having complications asit is,there
has to be another way."
"Mrs Zulu,you need to start treatment
immediately,we cannot wait any longer. Waitingwill
put both you and the baby at exposed risk."
"Or you can give her low-dose intravenous
ritodrine to manage the threat of premature
labour, betamethasone treatment for 2 weeks
to promote fetal lung maturation. That should buy us
enough time,it should be safe to deliver the baby at 31
weeks." I can feel my anxiety slowly creeping in. I
practise five steady breaths.
"Just do anything in your power to save this baby.
Should anything happen to me,make surethe baby
survives,no matter what."I turn to Nkosi
emphasising on the last part.
"My child's life before mine."I say.
"We will be fine baby. God will make a way for
us."His voice startles me out of my train of
thoughts.
"I am tired Nkosi. I am tired!"I scream,drunk on
emotion.
"Next time you think of praying please tell your God
that,I am tired.Tired!" I want to scream out in
agony.
The Good Wife 037
Whoever said "never breakdown in public''Lord
bless their beautiful heart because right now I just
want to get home and sleep. I do not think Ihave
anymore tears left to cry. I am tired of suffering,I am
tired of weeping and I am damn tired of this never
ending vicious cycle of pain. Ifeel like I am drowning
in myself. There is this weight on my chest,a large
visible boulder and Itry to breathe it off but I
cannot.I am tired!I watch enviously as a young
couple pass by us with an infant. They look so
happy. Free. I pay attention to the hobo who walks
ahead of us wearing old rags,barefooted. She looks
so happy,I wonder if she has a child,a family
somewhere. I wonder how it feels like to walk aday
in her shoes,but how can I possibly walk a day in her
shoes when she is barefoot. She maybe barefooted
but I'm confidently certain that she has left footprints
in some people's lives.
"Mama,kuxolo."I shout and she turns and meetmy
gaze. She seems a bit hesitant.
"I want to give you my shoes and my jacket."Heck I
want to give you my life but not all of us have to
suffer,someone deserves to behappy. Even if that
someone is this woman infront of me. I carefully
take off the pair of white takkies off my feet and
hand them to thiswoman who is almost in tears.
I smile,it feels so damn good to see a person
smile,even if it's for a pair of shoes.
"The other day,I certified three patients dead,a
pregnant woman and her husband. Their sevenyear
old daughter survived the car crash and when I
stood there looking at her covered in that awful
blanket,I felt nothing. It felt wrong tofeel
something,I hope I never get to know how itfeels like
to lose a part of yourself. I am not going to lose you
Nomzamo.Not in this lifetime,I have just found you."I
give him a weak
smile,I do not feel like talking.I feel my eyes fillwith
water but dare not release the tears.
"You know mntanam,we are alll broken in a waybut
only a few choose to pick up the pieces and form
something new out of the shattered debris.When I look
at you my baby,I see a caged wallflower,you need to
break all these walls youhave built around yourself
and learn to live.
Growth is a process."Sometimes I wish I couldjust
talk to Mazet,I am starting to feel the painof her
absence. My heart has grown so weary that it has
sunk in the pit of my thorax. If I cansurvive the
collapse of the sun,not knowing thepleasures or
pain that a new sun will bring,therefore I can
survive anything.
"We do not deserve this."His voice is filled withso
much emotion.
"It's not fair."He breaks down,his sobs roaring
impotent like a clap of thunder. I cannot say
anything,he is way too clever for the kinds of
solace I can offer.
It takes a few measured minutes for him tocalm
himself.
"Do you believe in fate?"There is endearing
nervousness in my voice.A brief awkward
silence ensues,"How so?"
"Maybe this is how it's suppose to be,this is how I
will exit the world."There is no vocabularyfor the
pain I am feeling.
"We are good people,we do not deserve this baby.
We do not!"His voice taking an unnaturalpitch. I
pause for a minute trying to figure out my response
should be calibrated to calm himor make him more
furious. He goes on spittingvernom of how twisted
the world is. He even goes far as using words that
my meager intellectual capacity cannot decipher nor
understand.
"I love you and I promise you,we will be okay."A
demented smile plasters to his face.
I have come to understand that most people donot
realise the promises they make when making them.
Making a promise to someone isperilously close to
allowing them to put their faith on you and faith is
oftenly misplaced. He reaches out for my hand and
I shake my head,"This has been an eventful
afternoon.
Sleep will do me good."He is quite for a
heartbeat,"Okay,I will fix something to eat."I
shake my head again,"I do not think I can
eat,maybe tomorrow."I say.
What a slut life is,it screws everyone,some
harder and some HARDEST!
The inexorable thruth is;at some point life will fuck
us HARDEST but picking ourselves up andmoving
on says a lot about ourselves. We are all born to
survive not fail.
"Kiki."He calls out and I turn my gaze to meet
his.
"Yes"I reluctantly say.
"It's not your fault."He says,"I-I. . . "My voice
trails off. I keep thinking the rest of my sentence
will emerge from the air passing through my vocal
cords but nothing happens. Iam incapable of
speech,a nod as a way of response seems perfect.

I slept for a long time,as much as I am a deep

sleep,I did feel my husband's arms wrap aroundme
and I did hear pained sobs but I was too tired to
wake up nor pay attention.I do not thinkI had ever
appreciated slumber as I did last night.

I am woken up by little Bella's tiny hand gently

slapping my face.
"Hey baby."There a note on the pedestal.
"Had to rush to the hospital.Your breakfast is inthe
food warmer. I love you."
I sigh,it's a cold morning,just then Linda budgesin.
"Good morning sis,uyaphila?"She looksdifferent,good
different.
"You look nice,ndiyaphila baby. Has Bella
eaten?"She nods.
"You have a visitor,your sister."She says quietly.
"I will be down in five Linda. Offer her something to
drink or eat in the meantime."I saystretching my
arms.I almost jog downstairs with Nkosi's robe
tightly tied around my petite body. Nobuhle looks
different,it is as if she has aged over night. She looks
10 years older than she is but she is still beautiful.
"Hi,I hope you are well."I nod
"This is quite a surprise,is mother okay?"I ask.
She nods,"She is fine and I can assure you thatshe is
not the one who sent me here. No one knows that I am
here."She looks a bit nervous.
"Are you okay?"I am concerned,despite our
differences she is still my sister.
"I do not really know why I drove here but I just
wanted to see you."It is quite for a moment,what
could she possibly want to see me for.I am
dumbfounded,she takes a breath and mumbles
quickly, slurring the words together.
"Maternal incest. Our mother sexually abused
me."Wait what? I blankly stare at this lying
monster before me.
"Why would you say something so despicable about a
woman who birth you-you have reducedyourself into a
lying psychopath."My voice is perfectly calm.
"You are pathetic Nobuhle."Her eyes glistenwith
unshedded tears.
"Do not even think about it. Ulixoki maarn! My
mother is a praying woman. She reads the bible.She
serves God. She has a good heart. She is a good
person. She would never do that.Ulixoki
elimdaka."She took a few steps towards me,"I swear
on my unborn child's life. If you do not believe
me,call her. Ask her. I promise,I am not making this
up. I swear."I keep backing away until my back hits
the refrigerator. Standing there hearing her say such
about our mother is unbearable. Every second worse
than the last.
No mother would sexually abuse her daughter.
Never!Such stories only exist in the movies.
"You are sick-"Before I could finish the words,asharp
shooting pain emanates from my abdomen. I try to
maintain balance but I can barely hold onto the
refrigerator. I have never experienced such pain.It
really hurts.
A let out a loud cry and Linda comes rushingwith
Bella in her arms.
I am wet. I am wet. I feel wet.
The last detail I remember is Nobuhle lifting meup to
her arms. I do not know how she managed and
Linda dialing Nkosi. Everything after that becomes
blur.
My head is so heavy,my eyelids heavy. I slowly open
my eyes and I catch the horrible smell of hospital
before I fully open them. My swollen stomach,I
cannot see my bump. I blink twice toadjust of sight,
it is not there.
"My baby!"I scream.
"Shhhhh, it is okay."Buhle firmly holds my arm.
"Where is my baby?"
"Nomzamo you need to calm down. Your little girl is
fine.She is perfect,the nurse will bring hershortly and
she is way too strong for a
premature. She is perfectly fine."I nod with tears
streaming down my cheeks.
"It's a girl?"I ask a bit confused.
"A beautiful baby girl."She says with a smile.
"Nkosi is also here and they should be here in the
next minute. I should get going,I don't wantto
intrude."She says fidgeting her fingers.
"No,please stay."I manage to say.
The Good Wife 038

A month later. . .

"Good morning baby."He says in his

baritone,sexy voice.
"Is it morning already?"I have never been this
tired,"A little over the hour three."He plants awet
kiss on my lips. I move back."You don't
want to kiss me?"He inquires coquettishly.
"My breath stinks."I say in between gritted teeth.He
smiles and forces another kiss.
"Your kids refuse to sleep."Bella has been wailling
all night and Ayana is restless. I am exhausted and I
have not slept a wink in almosttwenty-four hours.We
have named her,Ayana which is an African name
meaning a beautiful flower.She is a month old and a
spitting imageof her father. She is my miracle
baby,we had tostay in hospital for a week.
"Go get some rest,you have to be up in almostfourt-
seven minutes from now. I will manage."I say letting
a heavy sigh.
"No,you need to rest. I have had enough sleepand
I will take it from here. Go rest baby."He says
calmly, but with authority. It's no use arguing
with him.
"Okay. Wake me up when they become a bit
handful."A smile plays at the corner of his
mouth.
"You have breakfast plans with Amo. In caseyou
have forgotten."I sigh,I almost forgot.
"Stop procrastinating. This is long over due,theleast
you can do is meet her halfway. She's trying you
know."
"I think I might have coerced the drift between us.
As much as I am unable to verbalize exactlywhy I
am mad at Amo but I am still mad at her."
"This antagonism you have towards Amo is so
unnecessary."There is this mild irritation in histone.
I suppress a growl
"It's-it's nothing like that babe."I say grasping at
straws.
"Mhh. I beg to differ."His voice becomes
menacing.
"Whatever. Keep warm." I roll my tired eyes
I do not know whether it's the gloomy whetheror
what but I am exhausted. Maybe fatigue is aside
effect of cancer or maybe it's the treatment. I am
always exhausted and I have lost a lot of weight.
I can hear the noise from the kitchen. The smellof
bacon saturates the air. Everyone is awake. Ican do
with a little more sleep but I also have things to do.
A missed call from Amo and two text messages.She is
on her way. I am lazy to shower,I use the little energy
I have to brush my teeth and wash my face.
Bella is pulling Linda by her leg and Ayana onher
arms. This is going to be a long day.
"Good morning family. I trust you slept well
Linda."
"Good morning sis,coffee?"I shake my head. "No,I
will make it myself. Are there any muffins
left?"She nods
Amo just got here with little Amo, who can nowwalk.
How fast they grow.
"Hi baby."She envelopes me into a warm hug.
"You smell lovely. I wish that I could eat
you,how are you-oh I must say you do look
stunning baby."
"Thank you."
"So what have I missed?"I do not know whatelse
to ask.
"A lot. A whole lot."I sigh.
"You have changed. You are more about Nkosithan
you are about yourself. It is as if you are
desperately trying to fit in into his life. The high
society calibre."I feel my body freeze up as a tidal
wave of guilt washes over me. Reality breaks into
my idyll,maybe I have changed butchange is
inevitable. We all have to change at
some point in our lives,whether to accommodate the
people we love or change tobetter ourselves. I
believe change is a transformation we all have to
got through to discover our true selves.
"We have had this talk Amo. Look I don't know
what more do you want me to say."
"Nothing. I want you to say Nothing."I sigh.
"I am way too exhausted to fight with you Amo."There
is this tone of despair in my voice.
"I am also not looking for a fight sis. I think it'stime
we put what has happened over us. Life istoo short
to hold grudges."I can tell that her anger has
morphed into something else.
"Slim,are you okay?"This is a question I cannotnot
answer.So much has happened.
"Slim,what's going on?"The sharpness of her
words cut through my self absorption.
"Stop!Just stop okay!"My voice rises to a
dangerous pitch.
"Okay,okay."She says softly.
"I am sorry for the outburst,It was uncalled for."Isay
the edge gone from my voice.
"Do you want to talk about it?"I shake my head.
"I am still trying to come up to terms with it. I
cannot."I say.
"Is it that bad?"She inquires in a soft, smooth
voice.I shake my head again.
"No."Half truth-half lie.
"Enough about me. I want to hear about you,how
have you been?"She laughs her high,tinkling
laugh,"I met someone,well he's in a middle of
divorce so he has hasn't hit it yet."
"Wow!You don't say.Is he decent?" She
smiles,her face turning a deeper shade of
tomato.
"Very decent sis."Her voice rings in a peal of
laughter.
"I'm glad you're over Liwa.How are things withyou
and Ziyanda"She sighs
"We are in a good space now that she is no longer
dating Monde.He left her for a college student that
is also pregnant"Wow!The problemgot rid of itself.
A soft knock on the door interrupts us.
"Are you expecting someone?"She asks raisingan
eyebrow.
"No,I am not. Let me go and check."
"Hello.I am Ezekiel Ojokwor and with me are my
wives,Isaiah and Chioma. We are looking for theZulu
household."I look at them all through narrowed eyes,I
don’t know what expression is on my face but this
man looks so much like myhusband. Isn't he suppose
to be gay.
After a second or two, my brain adjusts itself,"Uhm
yes,come in."Just then my phone rings,it's my
mother. I have been ignoring her even since
Nobuhle. She made me promise thatI will not
confront my mother. I am still trying towrap my head
around the fact that my mother is a child molester
and I am trying to understand how does she let a
wicked person around her safe space,around her
children.
People who hide behind the word of God are themost
wicked I tell you. Darkness resides deep down their
wicked souls. I need to restrict any emotion,If I allow
one tiny pore to open, my emotions will surge through
the breach and tearme apart. I have prayed endlessly
and ferventlythat this somehow is not true.
I am too embroiled in my train of thoughts that Ido not
hear Amo calling out my name. A hand gently taps my
shoulder.
"I offered them something to drink. I think you
should call Nkosi.Who are these people?"
"That might be my husband's father."I say
My phones beeps up indicating a WhatsApp
messsage.
An unsaved number,four pictures sent from the
number. I feel my body turn in on itself and grow
smaller.
"Slim,you good?You look as if you've seen a
walking ghost."I do not answer but try to
maintain a neutral expression.
"Slim,you are scaring me."I could feel tears
building up. I hand her my cellphone with pictures
of a naked woman cuddled up in Nkosi's arm.
Another one taken on a bathroommirror,you can
barely see Nkosi but his upper body sells him out. A
used condom lies on thebathroom floor. Another
with Nkosi between her thighs.She has well toned
thighs.
"Ohh sis,I am sorry."
"He is cheating on me Amo. . ."My voice fades away
before I can end the sentence.I wrap my arms tightly
around my torso.The pain does notlessen. It
hurts.The burning in my eyes is beginning to
compete with the burning in my throat.
The Good Wife 040

"Good morning baby."His voice is deep and low,his

eyes steady on mine.
I inhale, my breath quivers betraying my
emotional state.
"Are you good?"He asks his eyes narrowed atme
skeptically.
"Good. Just admiring your exquisite face and how
lucky I am to have a man like yourself as a
husband,you know."Sometimes it's easier to lieto
people,it saves us a great deal of time.
"Are you not going to work?"I ask to distract
myself from my uncomfortable never endingtrain
of thoughts.
"I thought I could spend the day with my wifeand
kids."I nod.
"Good,I also have breakfast plans with Nobuhle and
I need to do my hair, it's becoming unruly."I gasp at
the feel of his palms caressing me.
"Great."I couldn't tell whether he was sarcastic or
not. Either way I couldn't care less. His gaze
remains fixed on me.
"I think I will just go and check on my girls."
"You do that."I sigh and let the palpitation flutterin my
chest.
"Nomzamo I-"He seems to be waging sometype
of internal struggle,"never mind."He finishes
off. I sigh indignantly.
I quickly dial Amohelang and she picks up on
the last right.
"Hey baby,what's good?"I let out a heavy sigh.
"He lied Amo. He looked at me straight in theeye and
lied. Nkosi is cheating on me."
"Ohh boo,so what are you going to do?This
must be hard on you."I chuckle.
"Nothing. I am not going to do anything sis."Despite
blinking rapidly, a stray tear trailsdown.
"What?You cannot let him get away with
this."My mouth has suddenly gone dry.
"Sometimes doing nothing is doing nothing."
In the fog of misery that is clouding my mind,Ifind
myself lost. What do I do?
"Infidelities are not things we as women turn a blind
eye on. Maybe you are still in denial but they way
you are reacting to the situation is
questionable."Her voice is a few octaves higher.
"Why should I be the one doing something?I am not
the one who cheated,why do I have to sufferthe
consequences of his actions. Nkosi cheatednot me and
If I am not doing what the world expects me to do or
how to react then I am trulysorry world. I have
literary ran out of fucks to give."
"Maybe you are not asking yourself or him the
right questions."
"Amo,I am so fucken tired of everything. Nkosimade
a choice and it does not matter how I react to the
whole situation,it will definitely notmake him
uncheat. I am battling with cancer and I have two
beautiful kids to live for so NO Iain't got no bloody
time to be questioning no damnbody questions."
As I drop the calls a cacophony of emotions hits
me,hurt,anger,confusion and anxiety. How do I deal
with betrayal.The room is silent exceptfor the sound
of my unsteady breathing.Fears
and doubts tumble through my mind,a part ofme
knows exactly what to do but the other
contradicts.
I slowly make the bed,changing the bedding,theyelloe
bed cover will light up the room. I make my way
across to the bathroom,maybe a warm shower will
lighten up my mood. Our lives have moments of great
disappointment, but we haveto move on. I spend less
than an hour in the shower. I make my way to our
bedroom,Nkosi isseated at the edge of the bed with
his head burried in his arms. I do not bother calling
out his name.A wave of sadness washes over me but I
quickly dismiss it. I put on my stripped pallazo pants
with a plain white t-shirt and whitesneakers. I look
decent enough for a day out.
"You are beautiful."He complements,a reminiscent
smile plays over my lips as I recallall the times of
his endless and unnecessary complements.
"Thank you."The simple statement is all I couldget
out, the thickness of my throat restricted any further
syllables.
"I do not mind driving you."He whispers into my
ear.My heartbeat accelerates in response to his
proximity.
"I have already requested an uber but thank youfor
being so thoughtful."
I descend the stairs leaving Nkosi behind. Bellaruns
up to me.
"Mama. Dada."I smile kissing her cute chubby
cheeks.

"Good morning Linds,slept well?"

"Very well."She says her smile matching mine.
"Ayana slept after her bath but she should be upin an
hour of two."I nod.
"Hopefully I'd be back by then. Please do not
feed Bella any more sweets,she becomes
hyperactive when it's time to sleep. I do not want
to tamper her routine."She nods with apolite
smile.
"Well,I should get going Linds my uber is here.
Please do not tell Nkosi about yesterday's events.
I'd rather tell him myself when I get back."She
smiles and nods again.
The drive is completed in comfortable silence.The
uber driver makes a few idle comments about the
whether and the studentprotests but seems content
to listen to the radio, his fingers drumming along
on the steering wheel, I honestly do not feel
inclinedtowards conversation.
I find Nobuhle already waiting for me. She looks
different from a distance.
"Hi,sorry I am late."I say pulling a chair for
myself.
"It's alright. I just got here myself,how are you?"A
lady screams Buhle's name right behind me. I do not
even bother turning my head. I cansee Nobuhle
rolling her eyes from my peripheralvision.
The woman in painfully high heels reaches our
table.
"Girl,I did not know you would be at this side of
town."She does not even acknowledge my presence
and I am a bit offended. Am I that invincible?

"Lufuno,I cannot talk right now. I'm in a middleof

something."She is dismissing her.
"Oh."She whispers something to Buhle. I onlyhear
the 'is she one of your hoodrat friend'.
"If you have a problem with me Ms, I suggestyou
say it directly to my face rather than making
snide innuendos.While at it do
something about your fake ass titties,they look
bigger than your face."
"Lufuno, I think you should excuse us."Her voice is
full with authority. Lufuno gives a weak smile and
walks away.
"Some friends you have."I say.
"Actually that was my husband's
concubine."She says calmly.
"What?!"I couldn’t keep the shock out of my
voice.
How can a person be this friendly with her
husband's mistress. I pray I never reach thatlevel
of insanity.
"Rob and I have an open marriage. He does his
thing and I do mine but we respect each other and
our family. I am well acquainted with someof his
concubines."Why is she so calm about this.
"Wow!"That is all I could say.
We are interrupted by the waitress,I order the
breakfast special while Nobuhle settles for an
Orange juice.
"I called you here for us to talk about a lot of
things."I cannot exactly read the tone of her
voice.
"Okay."I manage to say.
"I want to apologise Nomzamo."A curious
blend of sadness mixed with regret washesover
her face.
"I honestly do not know what to say. I cannot find
the right syllables. The pain I put you through
cannot be put into words. I hurt you in the most
unforgivable way Nomzamo. You spent almost half
your life in jail for a crime youdid not commit,you
took the fall for me so that Icould be free from
Robert and be the mother that Majesty deserved but
still I failed. I went
back to the same man who repeatedly broke me. I
cannot hide behind the human condition of making
mistakes because I made a choice. Iloathe myself
for what I put your through each and every day.
Nomzamo you have a warrior heart and I took
advantage of that heart. I knowthat I do not deserve
your forgiveness but I want you know that every
day,I am sorry."The thing about unexpected
apologies is that you never expect them.
"Uhm,I do not know what to say honestly but I want
you to know that I was never angry at younor did I
hate or blame you. I made a choice andI knew what I
was doing,see I could have left you there to deal
with the cops but instead I decided to take the fall.
No one forced me. You need to forgive yourself,your
shoulders are growing weary of the guilt. I am not a
vindictiveperson Nobuhle and I do not think I am
capableof hate. Life is too short,we all have to move
on
at some point but thank you for your words."
I spend the next hour will Nobuhle,reminiscingof
old childhood memories.
"This feels good. I feel a bit light and happy."I
smile.
"Me either but I should get going."She nods.
"Hug?"She nods again.
"Thank you for coming."She says with a smile.
"Thank you for having me.My uber is here."I hugher
one last time.
I go past the pharmacy to purchase a few
necessities.
When I get home I find Nkosi is the living roomwith
Ayana on his chest and Bella on his lap.
"Hi. I am back,where is Linda?"
"She's in the kitchen baking."I carefully takeAyana
from him.
This is the darkest baby I'd ever come across."I
will be upstairs."I say turning on my heel.
Bella is running out of diapers,I make a mentalnote to
order them online before next week.
Ayana is snoring beautifully on our bed.
I quickly change into my warm pyjamas,it has
started raining. I was suppose to do my hair
today. I turn to meet Nkosi gazing at me
intensely.
"What's going with us?"He studies my face for a
second.
"Here."I toss him an HIV home test,a pregnancytest
and a packet of condoms.
"What am I suppose to do with these?"
"You are a doctor,it shouldn't be that hard
figuring it out."I say barring my teeth in an
insincere smile.
"And I want you to invite your mistress for
dinner tonight. If you want to save this
marriage,the ball is in your court husband."

The Good Wife 041

Unedited

Amohelang keeps blowing up my phone,I amnot

in the mood for confrontations. I know I dropped
a bomb on her but I am not dying yet,my cancer
is at stage zero.
"Are you sure this is what you want?"I catch hiseyes
in the mirror reflection.
"Baby,I would never cheat on you but if bringing
Natasha into our home is the only way that will
convince your hard-headed mind that I am not
cheating,so be it but you must know it pains meto
know that you do not trust me."I can taste
the bitter bile in my dry throat.
"Please help me zip up."I say focusing at my
reflection. I stiffen just a tad when his handsland
on my waist. A groan escapes before I could rein
it in.
He smiles a conciliatory grin that translates,"'I
still have that effect on you.'
I have absolutely no idea of what I am doing butI
will proceed with the dinner plans. I turn to face
him.
"Oh shit!"He enthralls,"You look stunning."I
cannot even give him a half smile because Ihave
my 'rest bitch face'
"Did you call HER?"I can tell from his change of
expression that this was the question he was hoping I
wouldn't ask.
"As if I had a choice."He murms.
"You had every choice,you still have her number.
That's a choice."
The air in the room suddenly feels tight.
"I should start setting the dinner table. I plan on
having an early night."I say the two sentences with
as much urgent nonchalance as I can.
"Are you really really sure of what you are
doing?"
"Yes."My voice is little more than a whisper.
"Change into something decent."I call out tohim
as I descend the stairs.
Linda is watching RHOA with Bella. This Natasha
lady better show up because I have made Tuscan
creamy chicken,that took me thealmost whole
evening to perfect.
I have no idea where to start setting a dinner
table,what goes to the left and what goes to theright.
What I have done looks okay to me, it willhave to
do. I feel a spasm of panic as I stare at
myself in the huge mirror that serves as decoration in
our dining room. I look so little. Ifeel so little.
"Sis o sharp?"
"I'm fine Linda,please bring the wine glasses."Ilie,I
am not okay,but I'd been saying this lie so
frequently lately that it sounds almost convincing
now.
Breathe Zamo breathe,my primary motivation isthat
I am doing this for my sanity.
A knock on the door,I can hear Nkosi's
footsteps as he descends the stairs.
Nomzamo you can do this. You will do this.
Woman up! I lie to myself feebly.
"I will get it."Linda shouts from the kitchen.
"No. I will get the door."I must be the first
person she meets. The wife.
I can feel my breathing gradually creeping
towards hyperventilation as I approach the front
door.

As I open our front door,a heavily pregnant ladys

stands tall before me. I have a beautifulsmile but
hers,most beautiful.
First impression:She is inhumanly beautiful.
"Hi,you must be Natasha."I extend my hand but
instead she goes in for a hug. Okay!
"Tasha,I prefer being called Tasha."She correctswith
a smile.
"Well,I am Nomzamo but you can call me Slim."
"You are beautiful.Really beautiful Ms."She says,I
smile tentatively,"Thank you-you are also
beautiful,really beautiful."She is dressed in a black
tight fitting dress that is just below her knees,she has
dreadlocks falling from either side of her face. I feel
so underdressed,I have
no reason to feel self-conscious, I remind
myself.
"Come on in."I say making a way for her.
Nkosi is seated at the dinner table,I cannot
exactly read his facial expression.
"Nkosi."Natasha says with a smile.
"Good to see you."She adds,Nkosi gives a nod.His
eyes are focused on me.
"Natasha,I hope you are not a vegan nor allergicto
poultry. I made Tuscan chicken with garlic bread.
It's evident that we will not be needing any wine so
orange juice will do,or do you haveany
preferences?"I ask hesitantly,I am so nervous.
"Orange juice is perfectly fine."This woman is polite
and friendly which makes it harder for meto not like
her. Isn't she supposed to be an arse maybe. It would
have been a lot better that way.
"Perfect then,feel free to dish up for yourself."I am
feeling a lot more comfortable than I had thought I
would feel by this point. To think I waskaak nervous
a few seconds ago.
I turn my gaze to my husband,at that precise
moment, his eyes flash over to meet mine.
We eat in silence for a few minutes.
"I am sure you must be wondering why my husband
invited you to dinner."I clear my throat.

"I want to know what are your plans with my

husband because it has come to my attentionthat
you two are uhm,I think lovers is respectable way
to put it,just to not step on anyone's toes."I blurt
out unthinkingly.
She laughs a soft, enchanting laugh.
"I am not sure I understand what is going on,areyou
insinuating that I am your husband's
mistress?"Her eyebrows knit together. Her
voice,sounds like she is suppressing a laughter.
"Do I amuse you? Nkosi since y'all have been
sending each other nudes and myself,this is
where you step in."My words come out withless
severity than I'd intended.
He let's out a hard chuckle.
"Natasha,when did you last see or hear from
me?"
"What's going on here. I am getting this vibe that
something is off. What's this dinner
about?Nudes!What nudes?"I glare defiantly at
Nkosi.
"Someone care to explain to me,what the fuckis
going on?"
"First of all you will not raise your damn voice inmy
house,akukho se potsoyini apha. Secondly why the
fuck are you cursing?"I say each word slowly,
carefully controlling my anger.
"I do not know what's going on here and no oneis
willing to fill me in, but let me put this out there,I
know Nkosi and we had a thing going ona while
back,nothing deep. I have not seen thisman in over
a year and I am heavily pregnant with my fiance's
child. I'm not cheating on anybody with nobody so
what ever it is that youmight think you know or
heard or seen, you got it all wrong sis."Her voice is
a tad sharp.
I close my eyes and inhale slowly through mynose,
aware that I am gritting my teeth
"And these naked pictures of yourself in my damn
phone?"I snap tossing my phone to her.
"So this is what I was summoned for? Picturesfrom
a year ago? Seriously?"She enunciates every
syllable, as if she is talking to someone mentally
challenged.
"Wow!Just wow!"There's a trace of a
disparaging tone in her voice.
I am trying so damn hard not to look like a foolwhile
staring at her.

"I am not a home wrecker,will never be one evenin

the near or distant future and I respect other
people's marriage just as I expect people to do mine.
You saw naked pictures of a woman in your
husband's phone and your instant reactionwas anger,
betrayal that I understand and I would have reacted
the same way had I had been in your position. I do
not know how the hell did these pictures end up in
your phone because I,myself no longer have them.
Those pictures are my past. I am now fully
committedto Kagiso and I would never cheat on that
man.I can even call him just to prove to you that I am
not lying."
"I think we all need to calm down,baby I am not
cheating on you and if this doesn't prove atleastthat
much,I really do no know what will do.
Natasha forgive me for the turn out of this
dinner."He pauses, and then the rest of the words
follow in a rush. "My intentions were pureand I do
not know how this escalated so quicklybut most of all
thank you for coming. I owe youboth ladies an
apology,baby my past brought ushere and I am
sorry."
"Uhm,honestly I feel so ashamed sis,I made up my
mind on something that does not exist. I amtruly
sorry."I ignore the sudden trembling in mystomach
and keep my voice even.
I am the world's greatest fool of all time.
"I have no ill feelings or whatsoever towards anyof
you,I understand and thank you for dinner butI must
get going the drive to Kempton Park is a tiring one."
If this woman did not send those photo thenwho?
Nkosi helps me with the dishes and we both
bath Bella and Ayana before putting them to
sleep.
I feel so bad that I cannot even look at him inthe
eye.
I go in for a quick shower and the unpleasant
odour down there reminds me that it needs tobe
taken care of. I hate yeast infections,a vagina is a
lot of work!
Nkosi finds me lying on the cold tiles with myknees up.
"Babe,what are you doing?"
"I need to get this cream inside my vagina."I say
almost breathless.
"Yeast infection?"I nod.
"Come,let me help you. These tiles are freakin
cold,you should've just asked me for
assistance."He leans forward and reaches outwith
his long arms to pick me up.
He gently puts me on our bed,this is so
uncomfortable.
"Okay,lie still and knee up."He places a pillow
over my head.
"Okay open your legs for me a little wider,I needto
get the perfect view."I open a little wider. If he can
go down on me and [eat] me so damn good,he
might as well help me keep it healthy for us.
"Okay,this will be a little uncomfortable." We aredone
in three minutes.
"Here,swallow these."He hands me two pills.
There's nothing I hate in this world than swallowing
tablets,I can swallow anything buttablets.
"I nearly broke off our union over something
nonexistent." My heartbeat quickens as I
intuitively realize the truth of my own words.
"I must admit,it hurts that you do not trust mebut I
completely understand. Trust,somethingwe both
need to work on but I swear I will findout who sent
you those pictures."He smiles upat me, but eyes full
of some emotion I cannot comprehend.
"I love you so damn much."He whispers in myear
after planting a kiss on my forehead.
"Nkosi."I whisper, feeling completely idiotic.
"Baby."
"I love you most."
"I know baby so do I."A triumphant smile slowly
lights his face up.
The Good Wife 042
Unedited

You see when I got out of prison,I told myself two

things(i)If I can survive a system that was
designed to break me,then I can survive pretty
much everything,including this thing called
life.(ii)I am never ever going back to jail,comerain
come thunder.
But that's where I got it all wrong,you see the very
first lesson you learn in prison is that,nobody will
have your back but yourself. Noone is obliged to
have your back. Do not even trust your own shadow.
I do not like being wrong, I know this will someday
lead me to my biggest downfall. Where am I going
with this,honestly I do not know. I pray I never find
out or maybe that whathappens when you stay up in
the middle of thenight,you tell all your secrets to the
darkness.

It's Monday afternoon and tomorrow it's Bella's

birthday. I am preparing lunch and I have also
invited Nkosi's father and his wives. He does
not know and I plan on surprising him,as muchas
this is not a pleasant surprise,I really hope
everything turns out perfect. Our guests will behere
any minute from now.
"Babe. You should be done by now."I shout,he has
been in the shower for almost an hour now.
"Linda,can you please check the oxtail for me. Ineed
to do a quick check on Nkosi."
"Okay."Her voice is thoughtful, as if her mind is
somewhere far away.
''Linda,did you hear what I just said?"
"Sorry sis umqondo wami uyazula zula kodwa
ngikuzwile."
I find Nkosi still in his pyjamas,it's quarter pastthree
for crying out loud.
"Babe,you are still in bed with your pyjama pants
on. What the fuck?!"I fail miserably in myattempt to
sound nonchalant
He glances at me, biting his lip.
"Are you good?"His eyes roam over my face, asif
his question is something more than simple
courtesy.
I just stare at him dumbfounded.
"What?"He asks innocently.
"Nkosi,this is not funny."I stare at him earnestly,
hoping to disguise my impatience.
"You look so arousing when you are annoyed and
angry."He deliberately works a thick edge ofmenace
into his tone.His grin stretches across his face.
At this point I really feel like squeezing his balls.
"I need two minutes then I will be done."He
smiles, his beautiful eyes crinkling around the
edges.
"One minute, that is all you have before I drag
your ass."He smiles as he deciphers my
expression.
'This lunch has to turn out perfectly'I just couldn't
keep little sprouts of hope from budding in my mind.
A tiny voice in the back of my mind worried,
wondering if it would hurt verymuch if it ended
badly.
My nervousness increased exponentially at the
sound of a knock at the door. I felt so guilty for
deceiving him.I fluctuate between anticipationso
intense that it is very nearly pain, and an insidious
fear that this might end worse.
Everyone is seated and no one has touched their
food,the tension in the atmosphere is unbearable. I
keep stealing glances at Nkosi buthe is so focused on
this man before him.
"Let us pray."One of the woman say reachingout
for my hand.
Not even Jesus' presence can dilute the tension.His
thoughts seem to be far away as he stares
at his father.
"Babe I-"I begin, breaking into his reverie.
"Please leave my house and never set your foothere
ever again or else I swear on my dead mother's
grave,I will kill you."His voice is low, but full of
authority. I feel a spasm of fear at hiswords.
"Son please-"He pauses for a second, as if
deciding whether or not to say something
"Now!"His expression is a strange mix of
frustration and defiance.
"Baby you need to calm down."
"You are dead to me,you died the second you walked
out on my mother and I. Now get the hell out of my
damn house!"The tone of his toneis as hard as his
face. I felt his eyes on my facebut I couldn't look at
him, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.
"I think it's best you leave."The discontent in myvoice
is poorly disguised.
The two wives both stand up, one makes aneffort
to smile.
"I cannot even look at you right now. You
disgust me."A peculiar tone enters his voice.
"I know you are angry and I know that you donot
mean that."I will the words to be true asthey
leave my mouth.
"You were suppose to be my wife. You stabbedme in
the back."His voice is bleak.
"Why?"He asks, his voice tight, controlled buthis
expression is murderously angry.
"Babe I-" My voice is tinged with desperation,
I wrack my brain for something trivial but
nothing comes to mind.
His hands tighten around my neck. I refuse tobe
convinced to fear him, I repeat in my head.
I am struggling to breath.
I can hear Bella calling out my name behind him.She
keeps pulling her father's leg.
"Nkosi pleas-"I can barely finish a sentence,myvoice
comes out in a whisper.
"You cannot fix me. Stop trying to fix me!"His tone is
livid. Tears well down my cheeks,I fight against the
grief that is trying to overpower me.My baby cannot
not see this. Bella let's out a painful scream and his
hands loosen around myneck.
Maybe you can not change nor fix a person,you just
have to be fine with what you met them as. The
person you expect them to be never showsup.
He burries his head into his arms at the cornerof our
bedroom while I rush to comfort my daughter. His
anguish is plain; I yearn to comfort him, but I am so
angry and furious at
him. I can barely stand the sight of him. I wait for
that remorse to come, but all I could seem to feel
was anger.
"Babe,I-I am so sorry." His anguished eyes meet
mine. I quickly look away,afraid of the persuasive
power of his eyes.
"Get away from us!"My voice a thousand
octaves higher.
"I'm sorry." His voice burns with regret.
"I hate you!"My voice almost cracks. I just wantto
get the hell out of this house. I do not my kids near
this animal.
My natural urge is to let out a loud cry but I
cannot let my emotions overpower me.
I quickly pull out an overnight bag from our closet,a
heavy stupor clouding my mind.The pressure made me
more clumsy than usual, buteventually I manged to
pack the kid's clothes amd two pairs of jeans and a
simple t-shirt for
myself. Bella is with Linda.
"What are you doing?"His brow pucker for a
brief moment
"You are not taking my kids away from me." His
voice turns sharp.
"Watch me!"The mental image of him chockingme
to death makes my tone sharper than necessary.
"Nkosi,I no longer feel safe around you and I willnot
subject my kids to such violence. You almost choked
me to death in front of our daughter. We are giving
you space." I say, tryingto keep my voice calm.
"Please,do not leave. Do not take my kids awayfrom
me." He says quietly, a different pain than mine
saturating his voice.
"I am not taking them away from you Nkosi. This
house is no longer safe for them."I say in afaint
voice. At this point I am grasping at
straws.He flings the door open in one swift
movement,I can hear his hurried footsteps as he
descends the stairs. I am sorely tempted to follow
behind him but I restrain myslef. Nothingis more
excruciating, than the thought of leaving him but I
am a mother and I have to protect my babies.
"Sisi!!" It's Linda,I cannot tell whether she is crying
or screaming. I hurry downstairs and findher
kneeling in the driveway.
My eyes wander around and land on my husband's
car. I can see Bella on the backseat.
''Nkosi,wenzani?!"I shout making my way to hiscar.
Before I could reach it, he's already driving out.The
speed is alarming.
I watch as my husband's car collides with a1000
ton truck.
Bang! Crash! The sound of sirens. People
screaming. My knees are weak,my vision blur. It all
seems surreal. Silence. Silence. SILENCE.

6 weeks later. . .

If I did not plan that stupid lunch,I would still be

someone's mother. My daughters would still be alive.
I hate him!
The Good Wife 043

Unedited.

"How are you feeling today?"Liv asks, snappingme

out of my reverie.
"It's raining and I no longer like rain."I mumble
pathetically, staring down.
"I did not ask about the weather. I want to know
about you,your feelings"Liv says calmly.
"I know."I say trying to make my tone kinder ,the
words hung there for a moment in the atmosphere.
My eyes wander around the spacious room.
"I want you to describe what you are feeling atthe
moment." She falls silent and watches meintently
as I get lost in my agonizing memory. Olivia has
the most peaceful eyes. She is or was Nkosi's
therapist.
"I hate him."I feel and sound like I have had the
breath knocked out of me.
"Nkosi?"I nod
Nkosi has been in hospital for 6 weeks and he
refuses to see me,the last time I saw him waswhen
he was in Intensive Care Unit,I told him that I
hate him in his deathbed. From what I know,he
lost half of his leg. It hurts so much that he wasn't
there when I had to send a
farewell for my daughters. I chose to crematetheir
flesh.
"Some days it hurts the most because when I look at
myself in the mirror, the face in the mirror is
practically of a stranger,I see the the breats that
used to feed Ayana,the stretch marks on my stomach
are the only reminder that I once carried life and the
scar above my vagina proof that I was once
someone's mother.Going home to an empty house,an
empty nursery. I do not know what to do with
myself,you know,I hear their cries at night sometimes
I almost feel their presence. Every time I look at their
urn I am reminded that I not
a mother. Nkosi drove my babies to their
death." I realize there are tears in my eyes.
"I hate him."My voice edges up a few octaves.
"The victim mentality is the reason why most
people are stagnant. You need to acknowledgethe
part you played and take responsibility."
"Are you saying that I am to blame?"I say, the
calmness of my voice not entirely masking theslight
but genuine anxiety I felt.
"All I am saying is that you need to take
responsibility,death is a tragedy and no one's fault
but for you to move on you need to take
responsibility. I understand that you are hurtingand
that is okay but do not unpack and live at the mercy
of pain and circumstances. There isa life out there
waiting for you."A moment of wordless
communication passed between us.

" The pain you are going through right now is not
meant to break you but to build you,this chapter is
not your story but another chapter oflife you have to
go through.Just when a caterpillar thought it was
over it became a butterfly. It is gonna get worse,I
know but I promise it will be okay,maybe not today
or tomorrow or next month,year. You will never
see the purpose of a storm until you see the growth
it produces. It is going to be okay." Hervoice has
the seal of a promise in it.
"You have enough time to take your time and Iwant
you to use that time to focus on yourself not on
grief."
By the end of our session,the rain is pouring,I
curse myself for not bringing an umbrella.
The uber drive is kind enough to turn on the
heater,just as my feet are about to freeze.Myeyes
keep flashing to the window, trying to judge the
degree of light behind the heavy clouds.
The house is quite and cold. Linda left threeweeks
ago,Amo visists every now and then.
I lay my head cautiously against Bella's teddy
bear,breathing in the fading scent of her fabric
conditioner. Every once in a while,the universe
reminds us that we are breakable.
I involuntarily yawn, I am more tired than I
realized, exhausted from the long day of mentaland
emotional stress. I slowly drift to sleep in this huge
cold bedroom.

I am woken up by the roar of an engine pullingup

in the driveway. I peek through the window,it's a
car I do not recognize.I stop deadon the front
door,there stood my husband withQhawe next to
him.
"Hi."I nod
"How are you?"
"Hanging in there."I say,it feels like months
rather than days since I'd spoken to him. Myeyes
fall on his legs.
"Prosthetic leg."He says,after a few seconds,the
quiet starts to feel awkward.The rain picking up
against the roof is the only soundbreaking the
silence.
"How have you been?"He gives me a
disparaging look.
"Qhawe please excuse us."Qhawe nods and
walks away.
"I have been wrestling with my feelings but I know
this is what is best for us at the moment."
He hesitates for a moment.
"I want out of this marriage Nomzamo and I have
made up my mind. As much as this feels like I am
abandoning you,that is not the actual case. I cannot
even begin to say how sorry I amfor all that I have
put you through. I am tired ofhurting you."I grow
very still at the word "out'.
I'm sure he notices, but he goes on without
pausing.
"Nomzamo,I do not deserve the love you have given
me but I am grateful forever and I want you to know
that I never meant to hurt you and Iwant you to know
that,you are the very best of
me. Always and forever."His voice is abruptlyfull
of grief. I could literally feel my heart crashing in
my chest.
"So you came here to tell me this shit Nkosi. You
came here to 'dump' me. We lost our girls afew
weeks back and you want to abandon me at my
weakest!"
"You have loved me unconditionally but I-"He
pauses,I could sense he was editing something,
keeping something from me.
"If you dare walk out of that door,I will not stopyou
and I want you to know that walking out ofthat door
is walking out of my heart,out of my life and I will
not stop you,I choose me Nkosi. I choose myself so
leave,I promise you,I will be okay. I am a big
girl."We stare cautiously at each other for a
moment.There is nothing moreto say for the
moment.I keep my face composed, aware of his
scrutiny.
He reaches out to touch my face but I move
away, his expression is unfathomable.
"Go." My voice is faint.
He stares into my eyes for an immeasurable
period of time.
"You are one strong woman,you will be fine,thatI
know. I love you-"His voice, nearly a whisper now,
trailed off.
Death can bring people together as much as itcan
separate them.
The Good Wife 044

Unedited

11 months later

"You make this insane choice to love someone

for who they are before you've even figured out who
you are yourself. Let alone who either of you are
gonna grow up to become." I am seating in this huge
living room watching Black-ish,I really do not want
Dre and Bow to divorce.Talking about divorces,I
just finalized mine thirteen weeks back.
If I could maybe go back in time,would I change
anything?The answer is NO,I believe everything
happens for a reason and the best one can do is take
away a lesson from that experience. I donot regret
loving Nkosi nor do I regret planningthat lunch.
Maybe if I did not open that door or maybe if I did
not push too hard,my children would be still be
alive but it is what it is and I regret nothing.

Nkosi left me this house and deposits a certain

amount of money into my account every month and I
used some of that money to start up a Car
Wash and Shesanyama spot with Liwa. It's
something small but it will grow as time goesby.

My phone vibrates from the kitchen counter,that

should be Nobuhle.
"Hi,I am at the gate."
"I have forwarded you the code."
A few minutes later she is at my front door.
"Hey sis,I brought some groceries. The last timeI
was here,which was a week ago,you had an empty
refrigerator and empty cupboards."
It does not make sense,cooking for one person.I
have been living on take aways and fruits for the
past few months. It's hot like I have time to
cook,between the gym,therapy,running the
chesanyama and studying part-time,I barely have
time to myself. At the beginning of the
year,I enrolled at an adult education centre and Iwill
be starting with my exams next week.

"I brought my overnight bag just in case we finish

up late."Amo should be here in a few minutes,they
are helping me pack away Bella and Ayana's clothes
and toys. I have decided to give them away,someone
needs them the most.It is about time.
"It's okay,I have plenty of room."Sometimes I
really do miss them but I know they are alwayshere.
I always feel their presence.
"Rob needs to stop calling me every two
seconds. . ."
I feel a curl of nausea in the pit of my stomach as
she speaks of her husband and their upcoming
anniversary. That filthy man does notdeserve my
sister. It amuses me how the universe works,us good
people who deserve
happiness never really find it nor catch a glimpse
of it or If maybe you do find it-it neverlasts,puff
and pass. Then we have people likeRobert Van
Zyl, who are at a disposal of this abundant
happiness. Well again,Peter was absolutely
right,"the universe is not a wish granting factory."

It is a few minutes past the hour twelve,midnight

and we have managed to packeverything into twelve
large boxes.
I hold on to Bella's teddy bear and Ayana's Mr
puppy. Nkosi bought them some time last yearat a
street market in Blue Hills.
"You do not have to give them away,you need them
the most sis."Nobuhle says in a soothingvoice. The
fabric conditioner is slowly fading away,I washed
them months back.
"I think I will hold on to them,just a little
longer."My heart is so heavy.
"Sis,we are so proud of you and I want you to know
that you are one fucken strong woman I know. You
survived things that were meant to break you-you
are still breathing and we love you so damn much."
I feel warm tears falling onmy cheeks.
"It's okay baby,we've got you."She whispers, hervoice
tormented.

My eyes open to a bright, white light. It's morning

and both Amo and Nobuhle aren't inbed. We ended
up sleeping on the same bed last night after a bottle
of wine that magicallyappeared out of Amo's
overnight bed.

"Breakfast is on the microwave oven. We had to

leave, XOX."
I go in for a long cold shower,I need toiletries. I
make a mental note to call mama and my father,it's
time we mend our relationship. If Nobuhle can
forgive a monster who molested her so can
I. Carrying so much anger is draining and
exhausting.

I take one last look at the mirror before me,"Okay

Nomzamo,okay you've got this babygirl."This has
been my mantra for as long as Ican remember.

Wimpy is so packed there is no a vacant table.

"Nomzamo, Nomzamo Labane."A masculine
voice calls out behind me.
"Siseko Faku,hi."I say in a much smaller voice.
"Slim,how have you been?"He smiles a little butit
does not touch his eyes.
"Good,I have been good. A lot has happened butI am
still breathing hey."
"I bumped into Buhle months back and she toldme
about your girls,my deepest condolences." He says
is in a remarkably calm voice, but thereis an
undercurrent of something I cannot identify.
"Thank you."My voice quavers, I fight to controlit.
"I also lost Blue,she died giving birth to Rainbow,but
I am sure it's nothing compared to losing
children."Pain is pain,no pain is worse or better than
the other.
"I know it doesn't change anything,but I am trulysorry
for your loss."My voice is barely more thana whisper.
I have to keep my emotions disciplined, under
control.
"We all have more than one soulmate Slim,after
Blue's death I really thought that was the end of
me but look at me now,I remarried and Farrahand
I are expecting a baby girl. There is morethan
enough for happiness for everyone."The
endearment sounds very natural on his lips.
The pain of losing someone you love,be it a spouse
or child never really goes away. You justlearn to live
with it,in the words of Peter Van Houten,"pain
demands to be felt."
We chat for a few more minutes until they call out
his order,It was strangely easy to converse with
him,given we have not seen each other in almost 3
years.
"It was nice seeing you Slim,keep in touch."He
hands me his business card and walks away.
As I make my way to the exit of the mall I bump into
a little girl who seems lost.
"Baby,where is your mommy?"She stares at mewith
her beautiful brown eyes.She reaches outfor my
hand.
"They want me to let you know that they are
happy,they are at peace and that it is time you should
let them go. Bella says I should tell you that she will
take care of Ayana and they love you. Forgive
yourself and forgive daddy and thatthey will be always
be with you."Just as I am about to ask, a feminine
voice shouts behind us.
"Star,I have been looking all over for you. You
nearly gave me a heart attack. Woza!"
The lady disappears with the little girl.

I stand outside the mall exit waiting for my uberthat

keeps getting lost around the mall.
I see him before he sees me.
Chills run from the crown of my head to theback of
my heels. He looks so different,so grown and happy.
"Slim,uhm hi-hi,you look good."He sounds so
unsure.
I hesitate, wondering how best to be diplomatic
about this.
"Uhm Nkosi,hey. Thank you."Some analytical part
of my mind advised me to walk away butmy feet
refused.
"Dada."Only now that my mind registers the little
baby boy on his arms. He looks so muchlike him,his
spitting image.
I raise my eyes to meet his gaze.
"I couldn't tell you Nomzamo,it would have
destroyed you. I couldn't hurt you any more. Iam
sorry."I continue to stare at him blankly asthe
words one by one clicked into place in myhead like
a ghastly puzzle.
Just then Natasha emerges from behind.
"I have everything I need-"She trails off beforeshe
could finish her sentence.
"Uhm Zamo,h-h-hi."She poorly conceals theshock in
her voice.
"Wow!Uhm it was nice seeing you Nkosi. Youguys
have a handsome little boy.
Congratulations."I say trying to keep the agonyout
of my voice
"Bab-Slim I-"I turn on my heel before he couldfinish.
My uber is already here. I feel a hand grab me,I
know it's Nkosi.
"Don't you dare." My throat rasps and the words
aren't as loud as I'd meant them to be.

The drive to the estate is a silent one,comfortable

silence. The uber driver is playing some gospel
song,I only catch a few lines ". . . Joy comes in the
morning,troubles they don't last go away. And if
your heart is broken just raise your hands and
say,I know that I can make it. . ."I am not even
sure of the
lyrics but it's something along the lines.

The first thing I do is fill the bathtub with warm

water,no foam bath or salts,just water.
I sink into the bathtub filled with water,for a minute
I forget how to breathe,my eyes are open.I hear the
happiest sound my mind can conjure up. I am
free,light. Then it starts,the water becomes too
heavy,I cannot breathe. Theawful tumult that my
mind keeps running away from violently attacks
me,the cries,the violent screams,the broken sobs.
Somebody wake meup,I am trying to break through
the dark pool,I cannot breathe. My babies,I see
them,they are smiling down at me.
"It's okay mama."It's Bella's voice.
"Do go,please." I cry out, an irrational surge of
panic flooding through me and just then I comeup
for air,water splashing everywhere.
"You are still breathing baby girl."

THE END.
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