BODY LANGUAGE MАSTЕRY

4 Mаnuscrіpts іn 1 Bооk

Social-Emotional Accademy
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MАNUSCRІPTS ІNCLUDЕD
Body Language
Emotional Intelligence
How to Analyze People
Manipulation
 Table of Contents

Body Language

INTRODUCTION
Chapter 1 - Body Language: The Nonverbal communication
CHAPTER 2 - Persuasion is what matters about body language
CHAPTER 3 - Seducing without talking: The importance of body
language
CHAPTER 4 - Body language in business
CHAPTER 5 - Job interviews and how to manage your body
CHAPTER 6 - The gestures that betray us
CHAPTER 7 - Interpretation of some of the most common gesture when
greeting with hands
CHAPTER 8 - 10 Qualities every speaker should possess for powerful
body language when speaking in public
CHAPTER 10 - Body language in children and teenagers
CHAPTER 11 - Detecting Lies
EPILOGUE

Emotional Intelligence

Іntrоduсtіоn
Сhарtеr 1: Whаt Іѕ Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе?
Whаt Аrе Еmоtіоnѕ?
Рrіmаrу аnd Ѕесоndаrу Еmоtіоnѕ
Fеаr
Ѕаdnеѕѕ
Ѕurрrіѕе
Jоу
Zеѕt
Соntеntmеnt
 Рrіdе
Орtіmіѕm
Еnthrаllmеnt
Rеlіеf
Аngеr
Rаgе
Lоvе
Сhарtеr 2: Thе 5 Еlеmеntѕ оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
Fіrѕt Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ
Ѕесоnd Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn
Thіrd Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Mоtіvаtіоn
Tуреѕ оf Mоtіvаtіоn
Mаѕlоw Mоtіvаtіоn Thеоrу
Hоw thе Hіеrаrсhу оf Nееd Аffесtѕ Mоtіvаtіоn.
Fоurth Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Еmраthу
Tуреѕ оf Еmраthу
Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ
Сhарtеr 3: Hоw Dоеѕ ЕQ Dіffеr Frоm ІQ?
Сhарtеr 4: Іmроrtаnсе оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Mеntаl hеаlth
Ѕеlf-mаnаgеmеnt
Thе Еffесt оf Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе оn Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
Lоw Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Еmоtіоnаl Rеѕіlіеnсе
Сhарtеr 5: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Lеаdеrѕhір (Dеvеlоріng Іmроrtаnt
Еmоtіоnаl Ѕkіllѕ)
Lеаdеrѕhір аnd Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ
Еmраthу
Wауѕ tо Іmрrоvе Еmраthу
Dеvеlоріng Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ
Tірѕ fоr Dеvеlоріng Gооd Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ
Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Mоtіvаtіоn
Wауѕ tо Іmрrоvе Mоtіvаtіоn
Сhарtеr 6: Lаbеlіng Еmоtіоnѕ
Сhарtеr 7: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn thе Wоrkрlасе
Сhарtеr 8: Ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо Bооѕt ЕQ іn Оur Jоbѕ
Dеvеlор Соmmunісаtіоn аnd Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ
 Іmрrоvе Еmраthу
Bе Rесерtіvе tо Fееdbасk
Іdеntіfу Ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ аnd Mаnаgе Thеm Оutѕіdе Wоrk
Mаіntаіn Уоur Еnthuѕіаѕm
Соnѕtаntlу Еvаluаtе Уоur Mоtіvеѕ аnd Аррrоасh tо Ѕіtuаtіоnѕ
Dеvеlор Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ
Сhарtеr 9: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn Nоrmаl Lіfе
Frіеndѕhір
Раrеnt-сhіld Rеlаtіоnѕhір
Grіеf
Сhарtеr 10: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn Rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ
Unmеt Еmоtіоnаl Nееdѕ
Ѕроttіng аn Еmоtіоnаllу Аbuѕіvе Раrtnеr
Сhарtеr 11: Dеvеlор уоur ЕQ
Rеquіѕіtе Ѕkіllѕ fоr thе Dеvеlорmеnt оf Уоur ЕQ
Hоw tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ
Rеduсе Уоur Nеgаtіvе Еmоtіоnѕ
Bе Mіndful Оf Уоur Uѕе оf Wоrdѕ
Рut Уоurѕеlf іn Реорlе’ѕ Ѕhоеѕ Соnѕіѕtеntlу
Bе Mіndful оf Thіngѕ Thаt Ѕtrеѕѕ Уоu Оut
Bе Аѕѕеrtіvе
Bе Ореn tо thе Оріnіоn оf Оthеrѕ
Bе Раtіеnt
Сhарtеr 12: Оbѕtасlеѕ tо thе Іmрrоvеmеnt оf ЕQ
Nоt Rеаlіzіng Уоu Nееd tо Сhаngе
Nоt Bеіng Rеаdу Tо Сhаngе
Ассерtіng Dеfеаt
Thе Wrоng Соmраnу
Trуіng Tо Bе Реrfесt
Nоt Gіvіng Rооm fоr Grоwth
Lеttіng Еvеrу Оріnіоn Mаttеr
Bеіng а Dеѕtruсtіvе Сrіtіс
Gеttіng Ѕtuсk іn thе Раѕt
Сhарtеr 13: Рrасtісе Mаkеѕ Реrfесt
Аlwауѕ Hаvе а Рlаn B
Ѕtrеѕѕ Mаnаgеmеnt Ѕkіllѕ
Trу Аеrоbіс Еxеrсіѕеѕ
 Rеduсе thе Uѕе оf Ѕеntеnсеѕ Thаt Bеgіn Wіth “Уоu”
Tаkе а Dеер Brеаth Durіng Tеnѕе Ѕіtuаtіоnѕ
Dоn’t Hоld Bасk Соmрlіmеntѕ
Lіѕtеn аnd Trulу Lіѕtеn
Соnсluѕіоn

How to Analyze People

Introduction
Chapter 1: Non-Verbal Communication
Chapter 2: Different Personality Types
Chapter 3: Components of the Limbic Brain
Chapter 4: How to Interpret Non-verbal Communication in Different
Parts of the Body
Chapter 5: The Ability to Detect Deception
Chapter 6: Becoming Better at Reading People
Chapter 7: Read the Situation and Ask the Right Question
Chapter 8: How to Influence People with Your Body and Your Mind
Chapter 9: Perfecting the Skill of Analyzing People Through the Practice
Conclusion

Manipulation

Іntrоduсtіоn
Сhарtеr 1: Whаt іѕ Mаnірulаtіоn?
Сhарtеr 2: Tуреѕ оf Mаnірulаtіоn
Сhарtеr 3: Mаnірulаtіng thе Mіnd Thrоugh NLР
Hоw tо Mаnірulаtе Uѕіng NLР
Сhарtеr 4: Dаrk Рѕусhоlоgу
Сhарtеr 5: Thе Роwеr оf Реrѕuаѕіоn
Сhарtеr 6: Dеfіnіng Dеѕіrеd Оutсоmеѕ
Сhарtеr 7: Mіnd Соntrоl Tесhnіquеѕ
Сhарtеr 8: Mіnd Соntrоl wіth NLР fоr Lоvе аnd Rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ
Сhарtеr 9: Thе Mоѕt Роwеrful Mіnd-Роwеr Tооl
Mоrе Еffесtіvе Tесhnіquеѕ Tо Іnfluеnсе Оthеrѕ
Сhарtеr 10: Аѕѕumіng Ѕuссеѕѕ
Соnсluѕіоn

Body Language
What Every Body Is Saying? A Complete
Guide to Human Behavior
The body has powers the mind doesn't know about.

Philip K. Dick
 INTRODUCTION

A few years ago, sitting in a bar I wouldn't expect to end engaged in a

conversation with a beautiful lady. Looking back, I only addressed the
bartender while I sipped my drink and grabbed the glass tightly, not letting
it out of my face. Of course, I used the classic arms-crossed gesture. I
would end the night alone, going home with a few extra drinks in my
system.
How I would like I had the knowledge I have today during those years! To
know that I should uncross my arms, turn my back to the bartender, keep
the drink at waist level, pull out my chest, imitate her body posture, smile,
etc.
I also remember how I wasted many job interviews. I was very young and
inexperienced, but if someone had told me how my posture had to be so that
my potential employers would perceive me as a confident, friendly and
easily accessible person, believe me, I would have appreciated it
enormously.
Perhaps all those bad experiences motivated me and I decided to write the
book you are reading now. I think of it as a helpful tool to understand how,
through body language, we can transmit and see what is transmitted to us
and to make relationships with other people more enjoyable and
harmonious.
Every day your body communicates without words. Is a verified fact that
90% of what we want to express does not come out of our mouth, it comes
out of our body, our bodies communicate without words.
Understanding this and putting into practice the different readings of body
language we make, will help us to achieve better negotiations, excellent
interactions, to be more trustworthy for other people and also improve our
level of persuasion. When I say persuasion, I don’t mean manipulation, it
has been understood that body language has to do with detecting lies, how
to make others feel in a certain way, and how to find failures in
communication involving people.
In this book we will focus on two things:
First point: To help you perceive how you communicate with your body.
First of all, you must project trust to other human beings. Who does not
communicate trust cannot connect with another person unless the person
has a range of power that forces the others to do so.
Second point: Discovering how significant it is to know your emotional
intelligence. When I discovered that body language and emotional
intelligence are connected, it opened up a new world for me.
When you work with your emotions and your body language, the world
offers you a new perspective and it transforms you into a communicator
who is aware of all your body movements.
Body language complements the communication among human beings.
Usually, the words are accompanied by gestures and body movements
which express even more than the verbal language itself.
Gestures, movements, posture, gaze, etc., make up a subconscious,
mysterious and subtle language which is expressed through the body. It is
capable of revealing those things that we hide. We can be saying something
with words and emitting different messages with our gestures.
People around us react to our gestures and body movements because
through them, we communicate our state of mind without consciously
perceiving it. Sometimes we ask ourselves why someone does not
sympathize with us. And we don’t understand the reason. Perhaps through
the body we have transmitted negative emotions, messages of aggression,
defense, concern or pessimism.
What someone feels according to the circumstances is living, is transmitted
through body language.
In this book you will learn about those gestures which transmit joy, sadness,
fear, courage, confidence, distrust, insecurity, power, submission, in short, a
range of emotions. To be aware of what we transmit with the body and try
to dominate and dose our gestures without altering our naturalness can
improve our ability to establish relationships with others. Learning about
body language can definitely help us to understand ourselves and others.
 Chapter 1 - Body Language: The Nonverbal
communication

Essentially, Body Language is transmitted through gestures and postures.

The studies about body language analyze emotions reached by movement,
such as facial expression, movement of hands, legs, feet, eyes and the
whole body. These studies, combined or separately, can predict the mood or
intentions from an individual and features of the personality such as
security, shyness, violence, possessiveness, competitiveness, etc. We can
say, then, postures express attitudes and feelings about people.

Body Language real value can be found in the summation of all levels of
communication from oral and visual language and imagination.

Genetic Roots and Culture

Dehumanization has begun with our growing dependency on mobile
phones. But the real obstacle in this situation is the posture we assume
when we interact in this way. Almost imperceptibly, we keep the head
down, eyes in the mobile's screen while both hands keep it near our chest.

What the body is doing by adopting this posture? A kind of inaccessible

closed field and we don't allow anything or anyone to enter. And when we
say anything, we are talking about attitudes, opinions, ideas, feelings... in
short, any approach hinting some reaction in us, rational or emotional.

And we think we are comfortable this way. Even when we put down the
phone, our head tends to keep leaning to the front (and down) in a
permanent "keep out" gesture. We live rapidly and this posture
demonstrates it; we want to arrive at our destination faster, even when we
are not going to any particular place.

In this accelerated world it would be very convenient to use a nonverbal

communication form; with a look or a gesture we could transmit an idea, a
thought, even an answer. The desire of connection among human beings is
not new. From the Paleolithic era, human beings let register of messages in
the walls of caves the made their homes. Stories in those messages were
transmitted by using draws and symbols.

What we described previously (the posture we assume when we are using

the cell phone) is, unfortunately, the new way of human interaction, a
different connection, which simply covers our visual and hearing senses.

1.1 Can the body's posture being assumed as a nonverbal

communication form?
Answer is an emphatic yes. What the experts have named body language.
Body Language is the most antique way of communication among human
beings, before the written and spoken language. It is the vehicle to express
sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts. This way, the body becomes an
irreplaceable instrument of human expression which allows to be in contact
with the environment and the others.

The verbal communication we, human beings, communicate, consists of

words. Nonverbal communication consists of posture and semantic prosody
(the intonation we give to the words, inflection, tone and emphasis in the
voice). This exposes us frequently.
We want to impress, show confidence, conquer, convince, persuade and to
achieve that, we measure what we say and the way we express ourselves
thoroughly, but sometimes the body moves by itself transmitting just the
opposite.

Because "reading" the others' gestures give us plenty of information about

what the other person is feeling truly.

Face and body movements give data about personality and emotional
condition in the individual: the face, for instance, can express joy, fear,
amazement, sadness, etc. Body's posture can project one's attitude when
interacting with others: tension, interest, boring.

What is the first thing we think when someone speaks about body
language?
Some instantly say "if you cross your arms over your chest you are closed"
(I don't know what they mean, really) or "If you touch your nose your
lying" "if you drag your feet, you are feeling dispirited" "if someone make a
face then is sad or thoughtful" and they think they have an idea.

Most of Body Language books feed this trend, since they are focused on
satisfying the necessity in our brain's left hemisphere, where A means A
and there is no way it could mean B.

But this approach is childishly simple, because obviously, something so

complex like kinesics cannot be labeled in the same way as words (even
these latter are confusing enough). Then, how can we understand Body
Language if we don't have a "Table" which indicates every gesture's
meaning?

At this point, left cerebral hemisphere comes to action. Right hemisphere

develops and processes information in a different way. It is an integrating
hemisphere specialized in sensations, feelings and special skills (visuals,
with sound) as music and nonverbal arts. Right hemisphere is the key to
decode such tangled gestures because it always has been there to do it (even
when we didn't notice it).

The key is, this approximation is a little more integral. Right hemisphere
determines the general meaning in the whole "body phrase" from a person
and then look for little keys to confirm its hypothesis.

That's how we read a text, for instance. We didn't stop to think in the
meaning of every word separately. Instead, we absorb every phrase like a
whole and, in some cases, we can understand a paragraph with just one
look.

Keeping this reality in mind, we cannot think that by learning a list of signs
we are able to "read" people. We need to focus on feelings and emotions
one person can transmit us while we are talking, when we observe that
person, walking or sitting.

We must be careful, since rational mind is so attached to logics, therefore, it

will do everything it can to interfere and let clear logics is more certain that
intuition. But, as every mental faculty, intuition is, literally, a muscle. If you
dedicate yourself to flex it every day, silencing the logical reasoning in
some cases and allowing this faculty (which all we have) to expand, it will
be more and more easy "to read" gestures resounding with what we are
feeling. It will be coherent between what we see and what our emotions can
capture.

Capacity to keep the whole attention in what the other person is saying and
the position this person takes while talking is a habit which will be very
useful not only when comes to learn body language, but for your life. We
can save uncountable misunderstandings and arguments in our daily life,
just by paying attention what other people is saying and how are they
saying it.

Body language is studied by kinesics, which analyze movements of every

part of the body. This movements can be conscious or unconscious.
Therefore, body position and gesticulation, the group of movements we
make with our arms, hands and head, are included.

Body movements are considered a multi message system. Although there

are movements which clearly reveal an attitude, an emotion or an intention,
it is very difficult to stablish a dictionary of gestures with exact
correspondence of its specific social exclusive meaning. They acquire a
significance by being executed under a determined context or circumstance.

In one person's movements everything is an influence: Culture, personality,

genre, environment. And not always we know all that background, not
always we have it on hand to predict how the person would react in front a
determined stimulation.
That's why the more we know one person, the more knowledge about all his
or her behavior's patterns we have and we can identify easily sudden
changes in this individual's behavior, to recognize signs which give us leads
about the individual's mood, capacity to tell the truth or not, if upset or
joyful.

1.2 Fundamental characteristics of body language

We, human beings have unlimited number of gestures we are able to do,
almost imperceptibly. Gestures support what we're talking at the time, and
also, what we are not saying.
Gestures says a lot. According with a study, verbal communication
represents 35% of someone's total communication and the other 65%
belongs to nonverbal communication or body language.
When we introduce ourselves or receive that first impression, when we met
someone for the first time, more than 95% of qualification we are doing is
completely visual, it's based in what we are seeing at the moment.
That communicative expression is the most important in communication,
gestures are the support of what we are saying. With gestures, we give
emphasis on the words we are saying, with them we express feelings and
emotions.
When we blink, when we tilt our head, when we are gesturing with our
hands. At every moment, body language is expressing what we are saying.

1.3 Body Language in an individual can be innate, learned and

imitative.
As any aspect of our psyche, body language is different in each person, so it
is impossible to generalize about it. Here we have the famous dilemma that
humans have asked about practically any aspect of their behavior: is it
innate or is it socially acquired?

This question is interesting, because in the case of a universal phenomenon

being innate, scientific research around the subject of body language can be
generalized. Well, the University of British Columbia has answered this
question. A team from this university investigated a group of athletes who
had been born with total blindness. People who had never seen language
from anyone else. So, they were not going to be able to produce it by
imitation, but spontaneously.
This team chose athletes from all over the world and from different cultures
and observed their body language. What they discovered was these athletes
all shared the same body language at the moment they won any
competition: they raised their arms towards the sky and opened their
mouths, this being the universal gesture of pride and victory in body
language.

They also displayed the same body language when they lost: eyes to the
ground and hunched back; exactly the same body language observed in
athletes with visual capacity. This research helped to scientifically support
the fact that body language is a universal phenomenon, it is something
innate so it can be studied as universal. There are certain specific elements
that are cultural and are different from one culture to another, indeed, but
those elements are really the least interesting, because they only are useful
to identify very specific intentions in very specific contexts. Body language
is innate and universal, and is rooted in evolutionary processes, that is the
best part about it.

Among gestures we can consider innate: smiling, since nobody teach us

how to smile; babies smiles are innate gestures in all human beings.

Imitative: When someone from Western go to Japan, for instance, bends as

a greeting, because in Japan, that is a cultural custom, it is a signal for
respect and tourists in that country tend to copy that greeting.

Body Language Learned: Most of gestures we make are learned. The

famous peace symbol, with two semi-open fingers making a V, is a learned
gesture.
Thumbs up, as a signal everything is okay, is learned too.

1.4 Microexpressions
Micro expressions were described for the first time by the scientists Ernest
Haggard y Kenneth Isaacs in the 1970's. Later, Paul Ekman classified micro
expressions, creating the Facial Action Coding System (FACS).

Ekman and Wallace also discovered that, although Microexpressions last

1/25th of a second, with proper training one person can identify them.
Paul Elkmans, one of the main investigators who have revolutionized the
body language topic, mention there is seven basic universal emotions for
every person no matter race, country or genre.

Based in these scientists' work, now is a fact that emotions are universal and
gestures are cultural. According with this study, emotions are seven:
Happiness, Sadness, Surprise, Anger, Contempt, Fear and Disgusting.

1. Anger
Microexpression for anger is centered, mainly, in the upper area of the face,
where we low and frown our eyebrows. We use to squeeze and tense our
mouth separating our lips lightly and gritting our teeth. The gaze is
penetrating.
A typical gesture of anger is pointing up with the chin, in a defiant way.

2. Fear
This microexpression is notorious for stressed eyebrows and wide open
eyes, since we perceive danger somewhere and we need to extend our field
of vision as much as we can. In the face's lower area the jaw drops and we
stretch our lips lightly, so the mouth is half open. This last is instinctive
behavior and allows us to scream and take oxygen.

3. Joy
We show joy with narrowed eyes and wrinkles in the external corners and
the lower eyelids. A trick: When someone is faking joy, little wrinkles don't
appear. In a sincere smile, depending on how happy we are, we open our
mouth more, to the point of showing our teeth.

4. Contempt
This expression shows different gestures in the face's upper area. But we
have the key to identify it in the lower area, since we do a particular
gesture, raise one mouth's corner while the other form a partial smile.
One investigation about this microexpression made by John Gottman,
proved that is possible to know, through this particular gesture, if a
marriage will end in divorce. If this gesture is common between spouses,
the marriage is doomed.

5. Surprise.
We can notice it in the raised and arched eyebrows with very open eyes.
In a conversation is much more important the body language than the
verbal, since there are many information we don't say and rarely watch.

6. Sadness
This microexpression is difficult to pretend. It characterizes by low
eyebrows united subtly in the center. The lips' corners tend to descend and
even some trembling can be noticed.

7. Disgusting.
One of the most recognizable microexpressions since all the expression is
concentrated in the mouth and the nose. A wrinkled nose and an upper lip
elevated can be seen. Wrinkles in the forehead, elevated cheeks and
wrinkled lower eyelids are part of the gesture too.

However, not only we show it when we are going to eat something that
provoke us some revulsion. We also show it in relationships when we
disapprove or reject someone. Disgusting is an emotion which can be
transferred to rejection of ideologies opposite to ours. It is not rare to
identify this expression in a debate, for instance.

Utility of Microexpressions. Not all of us can detect them.

At the beginning, its implementation was limited to interrogations, criminal
investigations and security matters. However, every day there are more
persons dedicated to teach techniques to read microexpressions in other
fields, such as neuroscience, psychology and computer science.

According with Dr. Ekman's statement in his website, microexpressions

reading helps you to increase your emotional intelligence, since makes it
easier the conscious identification of the own emotions and the others'.
It also can help you to improve you social intelligence through developing
empathy and comprehension of the others. This bring advantages in areas
as: leadership, communication, team work, management positions, hiring of
personnel, marketing and negotiations.

Microexpressions and Emotional Recognition Software

Currently, there are computer systems which has developed a big emotional
intelligence. They are specialized in detecting people's emotions, in photos
and in videos.

Companies dedicated to develop this kind of software, design algorithms

which identify microexpressions in the faces through facial recognition
systems. From there, can identify, automatically, the correspondent
emotions.

This systems have an increasing level of accuracy, it has allowed their

implementation in security, criminal detection, education and medicine.

Secureweek, for instance, offers a list of applications used to emotion's

recognition. Most of the applications recognize the Seven Emotions: Joy,
Sadness, Surprise, Fear, Anger, Contempt and Disgusting.

An interesting detail is this list includes software for emotional detection

not only through faces but also through body, voice and written text
analysis. This is much more amazing, isn't it?

Among applications related to emotion detecting through facial

microexpressions we can mention: Emotient, Affectiva and EmoVu. These
programs are used in marketing to identify emotions generated by
marketing campaigns in a targeted audience, making possible to determine
their effectiveness.

There are companies using these tools already. They have used them to
detect liars among security staff. In the airports, a software which can read
body language and microexpressions is being used.
CHAPTER 2 - Persuasion is what matters about
body language

Persuasion, according to the dictionary, is the ability to convince a person

by reason or argument to think a certain way or do a certain thing. In terms
of psychology it is the way we connect with people which determines our
influence on their decisions.

This connection can be powerful or mediocre; with the help of body

language you can convey gestures of trust to your interlocutor and empathy
so powerful that connecting with people is much more easily.

Imagine sales processes and rational argument exchanges when you

genuinely want to infect a potential buyer with your enthusiasm or you
want to convince your partner about a specific issue. Being able to make
every interaction a success is based on a relatively new term, which
encompasses cognitive processes, and body language; we are talking about
Rapport.

2.1 But what is Rapport? What does it mean?

It can be described as the feeling of being in tune with someone, which
allows you to understand and appreciate a person and their opinions.

Rapport is a positive or close relationship between people that often

involves mutual trust, understanding and attention. A group developing
Rapport, often realize that they have similar interests, values, knowledge or
behavior.
It is all about listening. It is said: “to know how to listen is an art.” Because
everyone wants to receive attention, we want to be considered interesting
enough to be attentively listened.

In neuro-linguistic programming, Rapport is considered a response skill.

This means that the person or persons you are interacting with respond to
you consciously and unconsciously and therefore you take the lead in
communication.
Among friends, you can observe a certain synchronicity and rhythm in their
voice and body postures when they communicate.

You can take advantage of these same mechanisms to facilitate Rapport

with people you are not so close to.

2.2 The importance of similarity

There are two ways of looking at people. You can choose to emphasize the
similarities or you can choose to emphasize the differences. You can always
find things you have in common with someone, and even among people
who are closest to you there will be differences. You decide what to focus
on.

If you emphasize the differences, you will find it difficult to establish a

good Rapport.

This is something we all do naturally. When someone wants to talk to a

young child, they bend down to the child’s height and change the tone of
voice, to show calm or enthusiasm, depending on the child's attitude.
Of course, with adults this is a delicate process. If the other person becomes
aware that you are imitating him or her this can break any relationship on
an unconscious level which could have been created.

Why is Rapport important?

Because any relationship, personal or commercial, is easier to establish and
develop when there is a closer connection and understanding between the
parties involved.

2.3 How do you apply rapport in body language?

In the field of body language, how can we take advantage of the power of
rapport in order to achieve effective communication? In the article Rapport
and nonverbal communication, César Toledo gathers a series of tips to
apply this technique of NLP through body language:
Maintaining the same height. Children are more open to speak if we bend
down to speak to them. Similarly, we can see the importance to maintain the
same height with our interlocutor. So, whenever we can, we should avoid
talking with someone who is sitting while we are standing and vice versa.

Stand facing each other. We must position ourselves in front of the other
person, so we are as centered as possible within the other person’s field of
vision.
Reducing distances. If we have a table in the middle, we should try to keep
the distance between us as small as possible, without occupying the
physical space of the other person.
Reflecting the other person’s body language. This means you have to
correspond to the other person’s movements and gestures. Just as you
correspond with the same words, also do it with your body. Crossing legs,
touching the hair, smiling, moving the head to one side, moving the eyes to
one particular side, etc. you do the same with discretion and delicacy. It is
not a matter of imitating, but corresponding the other person’s body
language in a subtle way. Imitation but not parody. It is about gesticulate in
a similar way.

Synchronizing the rhythm. Matching the other person's breathing and using
the same cadence, volume and tone of speech as the speaker is another
technique for applying Rapport to body language. Matching the speaker's
breathing will give us the volume and tone of voice he is using. It’s as if
you live at this person’s rhythm.
During the conversation, consciously, make some movement different from
your interlocutor's, and if he corresponds to this, this means the bridge of
communication has already been laid. At that moment, you can say
something which on another occasion could have created a problem with
and you’ll be certain your message will be received.

Once we have made that connection, we will be able to lead the

communication and redirect the conversation according to our interests.
 CHAPTER 3 - Seducing without talking: The
importance of body language
Women tend to be better at reading nonverbal language than men, and there
is a fairly simple evolutionary explanation for this: if a woman could not
read her baby's body language, the baby would starve.

Babies don’t know how to speak, so communication with the mother

depends exclusively on nonverbal language. Nonverbal language is key not
only when we are babies, it is fundamental when coding all the messages.
Usually, it's not about what we say but how we say it. A simple "I can't
stand you!" can be a harsh rejection if said seriously or it can be a playful
flirtation if expressed with a smile, while biting the lower lip and gently
tilting the head from side to side.

Many researchers have confirmed what Darwin suggested in 1872: in all

cultural contexts there are elements of nonverbal communication which are
common. The most significant example in the game of seduction is the
universal gesture of flirtation that biologist Timothy Perder observed in
such different cultures: if a woman looks a man in the eye, smiles and then
looks away, it is because she is feeling attracted to that man. It doesn't
matter if this happens in a Miami bar or in an Amazon aboriginal
community. Nonverbal language is the only universal language.

Learning the grammar of body language is not only useful for detecting
nonverbal indications of interest in women, it is also a powerful tool for
controlling emotions
In one experiment, researchers used pencils to manipulate the facial
muscles of 169 participants. Some were asked to hold the pencil between
their teeth while watching cartoons; that way they saw the animations with
a forced smile. The other half of the audience was shown the same
animation by holding a pencil between their upper lip and nose, so, the
expression on their faces was forcefully serious. By the end of the
experiment, those who saw the short film smiling found it significantly
funnier than those who remained serious. Smiling, even if it is forced,
reduces stress levels and leaves a positive emotional imprint on the mood.
When we smile, neurotransmitters called endorphins are released, activated
by movements of the face’s muscles. Endorphins are responsible for making
us feel happy and reducing stress levels. Perhaps the best remedy for a bad
day is to force yourself to smile.

3.1 Important points of body language

The first element to consider is whether body language is open or closed to
interaction. We must keep in mind that all crossings, whether they are of
arms or legs, usually transmit a closed body language. This is instinctive
and represents a symbol of defense: when we cross our arms, we
unconsciously try to protect our vital organs (heart, lungs, etc.); when we
cross our legs, we try to protect our reproductive organs. Therefore, it is
necessary to avoid crossing our limbs if we participate in an interaction we
find pleasant.

It is interesting and notorious that, just as a smile, even if forced, leaves a

positive emotional imprint, crossing arms, even if it is done for cold or
comfort, transmits a negative emotion. For example: you may be talking to
a woman, the interaction is going well, but it’s cold and she is crossing her
arms. If the situation is prolonged over time, the conversation will begin to
decline. She probably never realized that crossing her arms was the
beginning of the end, she will think the conversation was simply boring.
What can we do, then? If she's crossed her arms, you can unlock that body
language by asking her to hold something for you, for example. Of course,
you can offer her a coat if the cause of the crossed arms is the cold weather.
Besides, you'll be earning a few points for your chivalry.

And what is the correct posture for standing? The weight of the body should
be distributed on both legs, if we rest the weight of the body on one leg we
are transmitting a sense of tiredness. It is common to alternate the weight
between one leg and the other to rest them alternatively, but this transmits
fatigue and this is not particularly attractive. As I have said, it is best to
stand with the weight distributed on both legs and keep them separated the
same distance which exists between your shoulders, approximately. The
same thing should be done when walking.
It is important not to slouch, to stand up straight. Someone who stands
upright gains several inches in height and height is attractive: since we are
children we associate it with authority and security, whoever is up, is in
charge. The professional world is also better for the taller ones: according to
the Wall Street Journal, College Graduates with 6’1” or more receive
starting salaries 12.4 % higher than those who are less than 6’. In a study
published in The Economic Record magazine, Austrian parliamentarian
Andrew Leigh has estimated that in Australia having two inches above the
average (5’8”) means earning $950 more per year, especially for men.
Another fact in favor of inches: In the U.S. elections, no candidate is lower
than the national average since 1830. In short, taller people occupy more
responsible positions and earn more. You should not waste an inch of your
height. There are even shoes with subtle heels for men and even platforms
to gain a few inches in disguise.
The way we carry our drinks deserves a special mention, as it is common to
drink something in a bar. It is important to be careful not to hold your drink
at chest level or near your mouth, as most people do. That way we are
showing more interest in the drink than in the person in front of us. It is
simply a matter of holding the drink by the hip and bring it to mouth level
only when we wish to drink, then return it immediately to the appropriate
place.

Finally, a general indication: taking the initiative in physical contact is a

winning thing. Several researchers found, after many hours of observation
in bars, that the most successful men are those who take the initiative in
physical contact. They seem to have a higher social status and enjoy more
attention than those who remain passive or avoid any kind of friction.
Conveying confidence beyond words, that's what it's all about.

3.2 The first impression

The famous saying "first impression is the one that counts" is quite correct,
to the point that making a good initial impression in a job interview can be
even more important than a resume or good references. A study made in the
United Kingdom showed that most companies rely solely on interviewing
as a method of recruiting staff.

Usually, the first impression is already formed three or four minutes after
meeting a person. In that short period of time we decide whether we like or
dislike the person and whether or not we want to have some kind of
relationship in the future. This opinion tends to remain stable over time and
it is often difficult to change it, because it implies starting again from
scratch: re-evaluating all the information we have about that person,
admitting that we have been wrong and reaching different conclusions
which would push us to change our behavior. Therefore, it is much easier to
always maintain the same opinion, unless we find information that is clearly
inconsistent with the previous impression we have about the individual.

Many people think that we must be natural and show ourselves to others as
we are. The problem appears when this is interpreted as showing our flaws
from the very beginning. And given the great importance that this first
impression seems to have, the smart thing to do is trying to show the best
possible image of us, which is what most people try to do, and leave the
defects for later, so their impact is less if we have made a good impression
in the beginning (which will tend to remain). If we have given a negative
image, our flaws will only confirm that person's opinion, so they will tend
to pay more attention to them. The expression "love is blind" is accurate,
because if we consider that a person is wonderful, that person would have
to do something extremely atrocious to change our mind.

Sometimes, you don't even need to see a person to have a favorable or

unfavorable opinion. If someone is described to us as nice and friendly
before we meet, then we will have a better opinion of that person just for
that. The opposite will occur if the person have been described to us as cold
and unfriendly.

The image we want to give will also depend on the situation (job interview,
romantic date, etc.) and on the person in front of us. For instance, if we
behave in a dominant way with a shy and insecure person, it is likely we
make feel that person intimidated and uncomfortable. Normally, people
tend to prefer those who have (or show) levels of self-esteem similar to
their own.

Self-esteem and physical attractiveness

During that first encounter what is said in words does not seem to matter
much. It’s better to be a good listener, use body language correctly, and
have a physical appearance that is attractive to the other person. The most
attractive people are more likely to do well in a job interview or to be
absolved in a trial because there is a widespread belief that the most
attractive are also better people. In other words, those who are handsome on
the outside are also considered "handsome" on the inside.

On the other hand, what we think of ourselves influences the image we give
to others. If you think: "I am only a simple man who is considered naive
and pitiful by all" you may give an impression of hostility, if that
conception of yourself makes you angry. And if you think "I am bland and
boring and nobody want to know anything about people like this" you
expect that others ignore you and will give an impression of mistrust and
distancing. Therefore, others will judge us according to how we judge
ourselves. If we think that we are wonderful and charming people, we have
a good chance that others will agree with us.

In consequence, a good self-esteem will work miracles in someone

unattractive, because despite the importance that physical seems to have in
our society, the key to success is not exactly in it, but rather in the good
concept these people usually have of themselves and which leads them to
transmit a positive image to others. Therefore, even if someone is not very
attractive, it is enough to love and accept himself to achieve an impression
that is as good as the one projected from the most attractive.

The person who interposes an object between them and us is sending us a

message that can mean several things. A hostile or expressionless look ,
tense posture, and little or no body movement, give a very clear message:
"You better get away from my sight immediately", but if it is accompanied
by a friendly expression and a more relaxed body , indicates that, although
communication will not be completely cut, you must go cautiously.

One research demonstrated that when a group of people listened to a

speaker with folded arms they retained less information and were more
critical of him. Crossing the arms over the chest indicates a defensive and
negative attitude, uncertainty or insecurity. If the fist is clenched it denotes
aggressiveness and if the arms are being clenched with the hands it
indicates a big anxiety or anger. A good way to break down these barriers is
to offer something to that person, such as a cigarette or a drink.

A partial barrier, such as holding the arm with one hand, denotes a lack of
confidence rather than rejection. Sometimes insecure people use it as a way
to calm down.

Nervous gestures. Hostility

When we feel anxiety or hostility, our body language will reflect it.
However, our interlocutor doesn’t have to be aware of what we are feeling;
the other person just captures "something" in us and doesn't like it. For
instance, an anxious or shy person may behave in a way others perceive as
coldness and rejection. Fear can make us angry with ourselves and convey
an image of hostility. In this way the person we are talking to may have an
impression of us which is opposite to reality; the only way it doesn’t happen
is the other person being good at interpreting gestures.

When we are nervous, it is very likely we touch precisely that part of our
body that we like least. Anxiety is a very intense feeling that makes us more
aware of ourselves and, therefore, also of what we don’t like in ourselves.
However, it can also have other meanings. Touching our mouth, for
example, can indicate that we don’t like it or we are afraid of saying
something that we should not. The person who nervously rubs his hands
seems to be saying "I'm afraid of what I could do with my hands." Children
shamelessly cover their ears when they don't want to hear; more discreet
adults, touch them.

Touching certain parts of the body is also a way to comfort or relax

ourselves. Massaging the nape of our neck, stroking our hair or beard,
moistening our lips or sucking an object, etc., All these gestures denote a
certain nervousness when they are done often. And the same can be said of
restless feet and fingers: playing with objects, smoothing clothes, hitting the
cigarette against the ashtray, even if there is no ash to throw...

Signs of hostility include kicking the ground or an object with your foot;
squeezing, stretching or pinching parts of our face, biting our lips.
 CHAPTER 4 - Body language in business
Nonverbal communication plays a very important role in business
negotiations and meetings.

There are different movements of the body, many of them unconscious

which transmit nerves, fear, insecurity, etc. And while you are in a meeting
with an important client or in the middle of a negotiation with a possible
strategic ally is totally inconvenient your body is sending the wrong signs.

We will share body language which will help you to be secure, confident
and determinated when doing business:

. - Rest your arm on the adjacent chair whenever possible; claiming more
space you are showing more power, but don’t lose the straight posture of
your back.
. - Touching your throat while speaking will make you nervous and
insecure; placing your hand under your chin you project self-confidence.
. - When you keep your ankles crossed demonstrates discomfort and
isolation keeping them parallel denotes confidence.
. - Placing a hand over the classic handshake is considered very aggressive
in business, if someone does it with you, take the other person by the
forearm to regain your power.
. - When the handshake tends to be horizontal the person with the hand up
is exercising power while the other is being submissive. Make sure your
handshake is firm and with only one hand.
. - During the greeting it is essential to maintain eye contact unless you
want take the risk of looking absolutely disinterested in the other person.
. - Placing your hands on your waist momentarily will make you see and
even feel confident about yourself.

Leaning forward while sitting with open palms communicates proactivity

and decision. Doing the opposite, leaning your hands on the table will show
you as submissive and controllable.
The gesture of crossing our arms over the chest can project us as persons
who close ourselves to others, it can also express that we are considering an
idea.
Oscillating and allowing our gaze to be easily distracted is not a good sign
for our interlocutor. We demonstrate we don’t care about what he is saying.
Studying the customs of each country is essential. For instance, in the West,
receiving a business card with one hand is something common. In Japan it’s
mandatory to receive it with both hands.

in the same way the Ok emblem we make by touching and cupping the tips
of the thumb and index finger, means you have zero power, you are
extremely insignificant in Europe, while in Brazil it is considered a vulgar
gesture and the thumb up gesture that for Westerners means "Everything is
fine" in Saudi Arabia is the equivalent of giving the finger to someone.

4.1 Power postures which project leadership

Leadership and body language. How are they related? This is a phrase that
is repeated a lot "For others to see you as a leader, you have to act as if you
believed it yourself". And it’s true. At least, that's what experts on the
subject say. It is not enough to have certain capacities or leadership qualities
to become one, it is also necessary to know how to project that figure to
others, especially when we interact with our employees. And for this, there
are different leadership and body language guidelines that can be learned
and can help you to achieve it.

4.2 5 Keys to communicate with your team:

1. - First of all, you need to project a trustworthy image. Be careful with
your postures and movements, because they say a lot about you. When
communicating with our team or employees, it is best to adopt a posture as
natural as possible, which favors a pleasant atmosphere and conversation.
Pay special attention to your feet and legs, don’t move them excessively,
don’t open your legs too far or put your hands in your pockets. Actually, the
less you move them, the better. According to Carol Goman (body language
expert), reducing your movements can make you gain authority. You have
to offer an image of self-confidence, calm and security, so you have to keep
a deep and constant breath, with controlled movements.

2. - Your face says a lot too. Gestures should not be forgotten, of course.
Just as body movement can express our nervousness or calm, our face will
be the most important focus of attention. Experts recommend paying special
attention to our gaze, which must express confidence and decision. It is
always important to look into the eyes of our interlocutor, to hold the gaze,
because this way we will impact the person we have in front of us. This
denotes security and confidence in yourself and in the message you want to
communicate.

3. - A tone of voice appropriate for the message. The voice is another of the
elements through which we communicate and that reflects our mood and
personality. When addressing our team, a low tone in our voice can denote
insecurity, reflected in our words and even fear. A tone too high can be
perceived as an excessive authority. The ideal in a conversation with the
team or negotiation is to vary the tone of your voice as the conversation
develops, raising the tone to emphasize some aspects. A good tip is also to
give your words more precision by separating some syllables and pointing
the finger in order to give more strength to the message. Something quite
common in politicians, for instance.

4. - Straight but relaxed. Maintain a straight posture, with your back straight
and your head high (which will also allow you to see yourself a few inches
higher), but without looking too arrogant. Try to offer a relaxed image.
While walking, try to offer security, confidence and also command with
each step.

5. - Answering questions is quite a science. As body language experts

recommend, avoid taking too long to answer a question, as it will denote
insecurity. Nor do we must project the sense of choosing the right words to
give our interlocutor what he or she wants to hear. As far as possible,
expressions of the type "Ahhhh", "Mmmm", which may transmit
nervousness and even insecurity in our message, must be avoided. Before
answering, experts also recommend to look straight, and avoiding looking
to one side or low the eyes, since these gestures can be interpreted as
shyness or lack of confidence.

4.3 Women and leadership

Body language in men and women presents very different behaviors,
generated after centuries of imposition regarding certain educational and
cultural guidelines. Both have advantages and disadvantages, but signs of
power and leadership are associated, in part, with masculine gestures
mainly. Therefore, women managers must learn new nonverbal habits
which allow them to claim authority with the body as well.

Women occupy only one in four of managerial positions worldwide, despite

representing almost half of the population, according to recent studies.
However, as evidenced by Jack Zenger and Joe Folkman’s research in
collaboration with the Harvard Business Review, female leaders scored
better than their male counterparts in 12 of the 16 competencies, which
currently conform the extraordinary leadership.

Actually, the main strength of female managers is, as a general rule,

empathy, a positive characteristic that can become a handicap in some
scenarios. It’s also perceived as a sign for lacking of authority or
submission. Therefore, the body language of women leaders is very
important in order to curb that image of weakness.

Body language in female leadership

There are two types of signs in body language regarding leadership: the
person’s warmth, and on the other hand, the authority. In the case of the
female group, the first factor is common and well known, while
demonstrating the second is quite difficult. Women must take advantage of
body language movements to be projected as powerful and self-confident
leaders.

Head tilts. In body language, tilting the head denotes interest and concern
towards the sender, but is also associated as a symbol of submission. For
this reason, this gesture –particularly feminine- should be limited to those
situations in which you want to demonstrate that active listening of the
interlocutor, while the head must maintain a more neutral position when
you want to demonstrate power.
Body space. Authority, at the level of nonverbal communication, is linked
to height and space. For instance, at first sight, a small person is perceived
as less powerful than an average height one. Consequently, women must
learn to cover more space with their bodies, stretching their shoulders,
separating the arms from the body, or spreading their belongings on the
meeting table, instead of making a neat pile next to them.

Children's gestures. In stressful situations, boys rub their hands or touch

their necks and faces, but women twist strands of hair or play with the
necklace or ring, giving the image of a little girl. To show more power,
women leaders need to forget these gestures and choose to keep their hands
still in their lap or on the table.

Declarative tone. When women make an affirmation, they usually end the
sentences with a high tone, as if asking or seeking approval, which is an
indication of submission. The solution is to make sure that the tonal arc of
the statement begins on a note, increases through the sentence, and
descends at the end, rather than rising.

Smile. Women smile more than men as a way to please and, although the
smile is a great ally when it comes to empathizing with others, overused, it
can become a credibility thief, especially in situations where there is some
tension.

Assent. The men agree to let their interlocutor know that they agree, but the
women use this gesture continuously: to say that they share the idea, that
they understand it, they want the other person to continue... It is just another
example of this cultural need of the woman for being accepted. However,
it’s the same case when they tilt their head; to project authority, you have to
keep your head still.
Interruptions. In a meeting of women and men, men are more likely to
intervene more frequently and continually interrupt their partners. For this
reason, the author advises women managers not to be afraid to raise their
voices, to be heard without wait for men to give them the floor.

Flirtation. Some women flirt as a weapon to achieve their ends. However, a

study from the University of Berkeley showed that people preferred those
professionals who were correct and competent in their body language over
those who tried to flirt during a sale.

Emotions. The female group has less ability to control emotions and is
usually excessively expressive in their behavior. If the objective is to
motivate or involve, this passion can be positive, but it is convenient to
avoid it when you want to give an image of authority.

Handshake. Women who shake hands softly are viewed as passive and
insecure. A firm squeeze, coupled with a look into the other person's eyes,
is a simple change in body language which will help to improve the
perception of a woman manager.
CHAPTER 5 - Job interviews and how to manage
your body
Job interviews are often a delicate time for most people, especially when it
comes to nonverbal language: if you are not able to communicate fluently
and calmly, you could transmit everything from insecurity to rejection.

Luckily, there are certain psychological tricks to relax yourself and making
a good impression, but there are things that can never be ignored, such as
the fact that your body language also speaks about you. And it's not easy to
control.

From the way you dress to the gestures you make with your hands,
everything counts in a job interview. And while there's no magic recipe for
getting a job, you're probably more likely to succeed if you at least try to
watch your body language.

5.1 Before the interview:

As with most stressful events or situations we face in life, a job interview
can make us sweat a lot. But the remedy is relatively simple: take your time
to prepare and start with body language before the interview.

1. Trust yourself before the interview even begins. In the waiting room,
maintain good posture while standing or sitting. Keep your back straight
and your chin parallel to the floor. While you may not have met your
interviewer yet, the person at the front desk or potential co-workers may be
watching you.
When you sit down to wait, place your briefcase or bag on the left side of
the chair, which will reduce your discomfort when you have to shake hands
with the interviewer and pick up your personal items.

2. Try to impress with your handshake

The handshake protocol can say a lot more about you than you think.
Most likely, the handshake is the only time you make physical contact with
the interviewer. Studies say that handshakes play an important role in first
impressions, so make it count. Your handshake should be neither crushing
nor a soft fish. Offer a firm handshake and, when shaking, make eye contact
and smile.

3. Keep your back straight

First and foremost, don't slouch. Keep your back straight. Lean forward a
little to indicate interest. Also, don't lie down completely in the chair; this
can make you look bored or disconnected.

4. Avoid crossing your arms

Avoid crossing your arms or placing objects in your lap; these habits
indicate a defensive attitude, nerves and a need for self-protection. What
you should ideally convey during an interview is confidence.
If you are offered several seating options, choose the chair with the
straightest back: comfortable, padded chairs and sofas may be comfortable,
but it is difficult to sit naturally in them.

5. Avoid crossing your legs

Most experts recommend not crossing your legs. In a long interview, you
may have to cross your legs again changing position because one leg is
numbed. This could make you look restless.

6. Avoid Tics and Repetitive Movements

Speaking of restlessness, if you bite your nails, snap your fingers, play with
your hair or pat the table, don't let these habits show up during the
interview. They will all seem unprofessional and will convey anxiety. Also,
most of these actions are generally considered rude.

7. Let Your Hands Speak for You

Do you speak in your day-to-day life through your hands? Keep doing it
and let them move during the interview. Stopping natural gestures can lead
to an uncomfortable appearance. Just make sure your movements don't
become so enthusiastic that they distract the interviewer from your words.

8. Maintain eye contact

It is important to maintain eye contact during your interview, but don't
confuse it with making constant eye contact. That's upsetting and
aggressive. At the same time, avoiding eye contact completely denotes low
confidence and distance, and could make your answers seem dishonest.

Keep a balance: Try to make eye contact while listening and answering
questions, but allow it to break down from time to time and let your eyes
wander. Just think, 'How would I make eye contact if I were talking to a
friend?

5.2 The cognitive aspect of body language

There is a misconception regarding some kind of dictionary filled with
cartoons about body language, and I have no doubt it exists, but the reality
is that in most situations you cannot make conclusions from a single gesture
separately. They must be integrated within a context and a set of signs in
order to give real meaning to that expression.

The science of body language still has many enigmas to uncover, but you
can start by learning these basic concepts that will allow you to improve
your social skills and mastering of nonverbal communication.

5.3 Physiological Reciprocity: Physiology Changes Psychology

There is a physiological mechanism, called proprioception which
establishes a two-way street between your emotions and your body
language. And it has enormous advantages for those who know how to use
it for their benefit.

When you feel an emotion or are overwhelmed by a feeling, your neurons

send an order to your muscles to adopt a certain posture. If you feel
insecure, for instance, the consequence is that you will end up crossing your
arms to establish a barrier.

However, some studies have shown that the opposite is also true. If you
consciously adopt an insecure posture, your mind will begin to experience
the corresponding emotion. Your brain understands that if you are showing
that gesture, it should feel that way.

The good news is that it is possible to use this two-way street to create
positive states. If you adopt a confident posture, such as head high and
shoulders up, you will begin to feel more confident and relaxed.
The more far from the brain, the less control
Several investigations have concluded that the arms, hands and torso are the
most easy to control parts of the body in a conscious way. That is why
many people are able to pretend to feel some emotions through their
nonverbal language, when in fact they are experiencing others.

But it also seems that the more far from the central nervous system a body
part is, the less conscious control we can exercise over it. It is probably a
matter of lack of attention rather than physical distance, but the thing is we
tend to be less aware of the position of our legs than our arms’.

It is a good idea to pay attention not only to the body language of the other
person’s upper torso, but also to your interlocutor's feet, because they will
give you valuable information. Our feet usually point towards what we are
interested in, whether it is a person or an escape route, and often these facts
go completely unnoticed.

5.4 Contact with yourself reveals a lot of information

Another way to get a lot of information from nonverbal language is through
the kind of contact you have with yourself.

Young children instinctively cover their eyes when they don't want to see
something or cover their ears when they don't like what they listen. They
also cover their mouths with a finger when they want to shut up their
conversation partner. Although less intense, these gestures usually last into
adulthood.
When someone touches their eyes, ears, or mouth, it may be an unconscious
attempt to block out something they don't like. To avoid misinterpretation
(such as a really itchy eye), you should also be aware of other signs which
confirm this conclusion.

On the other hand, touching yourself by joining hands or rubbing your arms
may indicate a need for support, perhaps as seeking the comfort of physical
contact that our parents offered us in childhood. This signal can help you
sense that someone is feeling uncomfortable and needs to be supported.

Proxemics studies the relationships - of proximity, of distance, etc. -

between people and objects during interaction, the postures adopted and the
existence or absence of physical contact which can give us a clear signal to
elaborate different readings according to the distance of proximity.

As it has been previously said, this space can go from intimate to casual-
personal, social, and public.
 CHAPTER 6 - The gestures that betray us
Eye contact
Eye contact can be considered positive or negative and depends mostly on
the feelings of the person receiving it; the reaction to this direct look.
Prolonged eye contact
This kind of look or eye contact can mean the person is lying, especially if
does it with unblinking eyes. The person believes that by doing so, will
avoid being discovered.
Looking sideways
It is an action that can have a negative meaning, since in nonverbal
language it means boredom. Basically, the person is looking for ways to
escape in order to be distracted.
Voice, tone and dimension
Tone is the timbre of the voice, and dimension or volume is the intensity of
the voice.
By joining these two elements within body language we can discover
various meanings:
Sadness: The person speaks in a very low volume and a solemn tone.
Joy: A high volume and a hard tone in the voice denotes joy.
Disinterest: Both volume and tone are low in the voice
Nervousness: Speaking very fast and a medium high volume are
characteristics of the nervous voice.
Surprise: It occurs when there is a high tone, fast speed and accentuated
pronunciation of the voice.
Confidence: There is a high volume, a determined tone and the person is
speaking at a medium speed.
Insecure or fake smiles
A true smile is one in which you get wrinkles in the areas near your eyes.
That's why false smiles are totally the opposite, no wrinkles.
Laughing with you
When you are having a conversation with one person, and both of you
laugh at the same time, it means that the person is interested in the
conversation. If it happens in a group, it has the same meaning.
Resting the chin over the hands
It is a gesture which can have several readings within nonverbal language,
depending on the position of the palm:
Open palm: It can mean boredom or lack of interest.
Closed palm: It can mean that the person is evaluating what is said or done.
Head high and chin forward
You've heard the phrase "hold your head high" many times. When a person
makes this gesture, it is read in nonverbal communication as a sign
expressing aggression and power.
Touching one ear
Normally, this gesture means the desire to block or stop listening the words
the other person is saying. But if the context is a conversation between two
people, it may mean the other person believes you are hiding something.
Scratching your neck
Making this gesture while talking, means the person is not sure what is
saying.
Closed jaw + tense neck + frown
It is a set of gestures that are produced when there is a situation or a group
of situations where the person is unhappy.
Nodding
It is a contagious gesture, which most of the time has a positive meaning,
since it communicates interest and agreement. But there is a catch, if the
gesture is made several times and at great speed it means the person don’t
want to listen more than necessary.
Arms and Hands in Verbal Language
Arms can be very important in nonverbal language, as they are great allies
when it comes to communicating something. Sometimes they are
detrimental to communication if we don’t control their movements and as a
result the audience ended distracted or we give signs which are
counterproductive for the message.
Shrugging shoulders
It is a universal movement within nonverbal language and means not
knowing what is happening. Usually this movement is accompanied by
open palms, a slight bend of the back and a raised eyebrow.
Crossed arms
It is a well-known defensive body language posture that means rejection or
disagreement. But you have to be careful with this gesture because it can
mean that the person is cold, so you have to keep in mind the context.
Crossed arms with thumbs up
It has a similar meaning to crossing arms, but the position of the thumbs up
denotes that the person wants to project pride.
Hands behind the back
It is a position which denotes confidence and shows that the person
speaking is not afraid. Moreover, this position can help to gain confidence
while feeling insecurity.
Pointing with a finger and a closed hand
It is an aggressive gesture that conveys negative feelings to the people
hearing. For the person who performs it, it means victory over the others.
Open palms
In nonverbal language this gesture means honesty and loyalty. It is usually
done as a sign that nothing is hidden from the people who perform it, so it
brings credibility in communication.

6.1 Microitchings
What are micro itchings and how to read them?

Micro itching, in body language, appears at moments when there is certain

contradiction between what we are saying and what we are really thinking.
If suddenly you feel an itch in your forearm while speaking, or maybe you
are talking to someone and you feel an itch behind your knee, in your
earlobe or just under your nose. The sudden urge to scratch different parts
of your body just in the middle of a conversation is called micro itching.

When you see micro itching in someone you are talking to, is very
important to recall what are you saying just in that moment, when micro
itching initiates.
Micro Itching inside the ear: When it happens during a conversation, the
other person is not pleased with what you are saying, is like he's saying
automatically "I don't like what I'm listening or what others are saying to
me, or what I am saying"

Micro Itching in one or both eyes: This means I don't like what I'm seeing.

Micro Itching in the tip of the nose: It means I don't believe what I am
listening, I am not convinced about what the other person is saying to me.

Also, it is possible to squeeze the sides of the nose with the forefinger and
the thumb lightly, that means "I don't believe you and also, I don't like your
comment".

Micro itching in the neck: It means that the person wants to express
something but is not convenient, is counterproductive to make a comment.
The person wants to say something but doesn't dare to.
To advance in the comprehension of body language regarding Micro
Itching, you need to pay attention to your micro itchings, how you feel
them, and then you could be ready to see them in other persons and take
advantage of them. You will be able to go deeper in the topic, knowing
more about "what is not said" when we are making conversation with
another person.

Micro Itching in the forearm: When you are speaking to someone while
standing, pay attention, if the person reaches one forearm, clearly trying to
ease an itch, when you are asking something personal, that gesture means "
I'm not feeling comfortable speaking about personal issues".
Micro Itching near the wrist: When we are making personal questions it is
possible the other person scratches the area near the wrist. It means he or
she is able to speak about it, although briefly.

It is important to pay attention at the moment this Micro Itching occurs and
what is said then. If you see this kind of Micro Itching but you don't know
what the person is saying, you are missing the whole interpretation.

Micro Itching in the back: It means the person wants to leave, runaway but
it would be seen as a failure according to social conventions, it would be
seen in a negative way.

Micro Itching in the back of the legs: It also means the person is
uncomfortable and wants to leave.

The body is wonderful, it give us information all the time, but we are not
used to analysis it. Micro Itching helps to understand more of the nonverbal
communication which is very powerful and is always associated, one
hundred percent, with emotions. It is more important to identify what you
are feeling and why your body do what it do, than reason about why you
were doing it, what you felt. At that moment, Micro Itching are powerful
instruments to complete an interpretation.

So, watch them, try to identify if at any moment you felt them and take
advantage of it in a positive way. In any conversation, they are an effective
tool in order to know at what point is convenient to go ahead with a topic,
when to change the subject, avoiding to make the other uncomfortable and
if you are negotiating your services, you can also identify when to go deep
with some issue in a conversation and when is convenient remaining silent.

You need to understand that your body, my body, everyone's, can't stop
communicating emotions when they are experience them. Are you nervous?
It will be noticed. Are you over reacting? It's going to be evident too. If an
orator is standing while speaking and gesticulate with his hands or if put
together both hands making his fingers touch each other in front of his
chest, this posture will transmit a message of tension and solemnity. It won't
calm us, we will have the impression this orator wants to communicate
concern, and we will think he is talking about something serious.

When people approach through their arm's gestures, it demonstrate a bond.

When you say to someone beside you "Come in" while stretching your
hand's palm first to the person and then to you, you are saying the other
person has the trust to approach you.

Tilt your head is a very powerful persuasion detail, because we are seducing
with no sexual connotation, it is a personal seduction. Authentic people are
not suppressing their behavior, they are not worried about what others say
of them. They are just themselves, so, everyone has a seduction grade
according to our personality, to our personal style and to our background,
meaning, context, age and genre. Women and Men communicate through
different body languages.
There will be body gestures absolutely masculine that most of the women
cannot do.
We have to work with a personal style of communication, in this book we
are working with all the facets, in order to generate trust.

6.2 Face expressions: Smiling.

Your face is the most communicative part of your body. Eyes transmit trust,
the mouth and our gestures are going to project our emotions mostly.
It can be noticed if someone is just "playing nice". Performers, actors and
actresses, they know very well that body language is paramount in the
process of giving life to a character during a performance. What is
important is, we must not play a character we are not during our life, or we
will be trapped in being that person always and to be careful other people
can't see how we really are.

All we are have faked a smile sometime, that's not sin, but in our daily
relationship with the others would be fantastic if we could smile genuinely.
This, besides improving our mood, transmits sincerity and trust, making the
other person feel that our interaction is really nice.

How to identify an honest, real smile:

First detail, the wrinkles or folds in the sides of the eyes are visible.
Lips' corners go up unconsciously.

When someone is naturally smiling, the first level of the teeth is visible.
Smiling in a natural way is how you can connect with other people, you
can't fake those movements. You can't go asking "can you see my
wrinkles?" "Are my lips' corners going up?" "Can you see my teeth?"
You will look weird. Therefore, it is very important being in a good mood
while starting a conversation.

6.3 Eye Contact

If someone lower the sight when is meeting another person for the first
time, is projecting insecurity.

On the contrary, people who see directly to the eyes, is someone who is
expressing confidence, but also, and it is important to make it clear, liars are
going to see you directly in the eye to prove you are believing them.

Remember, there is three signs as a minimum, which indicate the veracity

of the message you are receiving.

If the person is transmitting joy, there is harmony in the face, the arms are
open and the person's body doesn't express nervousness at all.
Someone who blinks a lot, can be expressing nervousness, suspicion or is
just boring. When we blink, we are unconsciously blocking the vision of the
person who is in front of us.

Pupils' Changes are very subtle changes which sometimes are hidden by
light intensity in the place we are. Normally, dilated pupils means there is
something we don't like. Contracted pupils are a hostility sign. If we
experience empathy with person we are talking to, we will have the same
size in both pupils, thanks to our mirror neurons.

Insecure people and liars are unable to keep eye contact and this reduces
their credibility. However, if you are doing a pause before responding, it
will give you the necessary time to access information and to know the
answer.
Looking in the eye while a petition is made, is useful to increase your
persuasion capacity.

When we talk about personal issues which make us feel uncomfortable, we

diminish eye contact.

Raising eyebrows: it is positive to do it in front of people we want to please.

It also imply lack of fear.

Keeping eye contact: In the case of women, if they are flirting by keeping
eye contact during two seconds and then look down, it indicates interest.

Bowing your head and looking up can mean, according with the context,
sensuality and submission.

Looking to the sides, express boring unconsciously. You are looking for an
escape route.

Regarding communication, the second part of our body that offers more
information are our hands. If we take the hands out of human
communication we would lack the bound element between individuals so
badly that we would need to create another way to connect with each other.

The other person's proximity.

Next time you go to a bank's office or any other place which offers a
service, you will see how people, unconsciously, keep a minimum of
distance between each other. They don't allow other person to be
excessively close to them. This happens because all we want a personal
space, and nobody can cross that "border"/
Just observe how some persons in the bank or in any other office when a
service is given, wherever a line of people is necessary, they have their arms
crossed over their chests. This posture helps to delimit our space and protect
us in a circle and inside it, we feel safe.

The way we sit also speak about us, we need to be attentive, to know what
we and the other persons communicate.

Sitting with the body relaxed, the back resting in the chair, crossing at least
one arm and put a hand on the chin, is an apathetic pose, the other person is
not sure about what you said or other person said and subsequently, bends
backward as a rejection signal.

As I said before, it is important to be attentive as the conversation develops

and being alert about the moment the posture change occurs, in order to
give it a correct interpretation.

When the person keeps the body in the chair's border, is communicating
that don't have much time for the conversation.
If the person is sitting to the back in the chair with the back totally touching
the back of the chair is saying "I do have time for you".
The person sitting to the back in the chair who is also stretching and
crossing the legs and also, cross the fingers is projecting a feeling of distrust
towards your ideas, doesn't trust you.

The ideal formal posture which inspires trust and open mindness: Sitting
with the back straight, touching the back of the chair. Hands in the lap. In
women's case they can be lightly crossed. In men's case the hands open with
the palms downwards on each leg.

Crossing legs:
When the ladies have their back straight and cross their legs in the ankles,
they are communicating confidence and leadership.

In man, crossing legs is a signal of being relaxed and also, indicates there is
some empathy for the person or persons beside him.
Body language of crossing legs.

Defensive attitude is one of the most common regarding these limbs. It is

possible it comes to your mind a person with crossed arms and the legs, also
crossed forming a 4 with them.

It is important, when we talk about crossing legs, to stress the cross's

direction. Broadly speaking, crossing legs indicates insecurity since it
indicates aggression mostly. However, this only can be perceived like a
trusting sign in the case of people who don't cross legs at all.

But there are persons who cross their legs whenever they are sitting! In
those cases, it is a habit, not an insecurity sign. But there is something very
interesting we can conclude about crossing legs. The studies about it
indicate that, in many opportunities people cross their legs to the side the
like or prefer. Meaning, if you are in a conversation with someone, after a
comment you made, that person cross the leg next to you to the opposite
side, it could indicate your comment is not welcomed and that person is,
really, wanting to leave.

Legs occupying the whole space

Although this can be perfectly seen when someone is standing, when the
person is sitting this phenomenon is more evident.

If you see someone sitting, and the legs are stretched, separated or with an
ankle over the opposite knee, meaning, the person is occupying the
maximum possible space with the legs, that person is saying, in body
language, that is self-confident and in the situation, that person is the
dominant one.

Legs occupying the minimum space

As you can imagine, the fact one person occupies the minimum space,
standing and sitting, means the opposite to the previous case. That person
have few confidence in a general way or is feeling intimidated in that
specific moment, for some motive.

This has to do with our more primitive instinct, protecting our genitals.
When someone twists the body or squeeze one leg against the other, unless
it's some kind of itching or needing to go to the bathroom, that person is
unconsciously hiding the genitals' area because is perceiving the situation as
threatening.
To this respect, if you are a woman, it is probable you tend to occupy the
minimum space with your legs and if you are a man, you cover the
maximum space. This trend is due to, fundamentally, the education we have
received. A traditional and stereotyped socialization, which most of the
people received, tell us that women must to be discreet and not dominant at
all and that men must impose themselves.

6.4 Our feet can be read too

They point to our center of attention.
Mostly when we are sitting but also when we are standing, our feet's tips
point to the place or person we are focused in.
This can be observed when a group of people is speaking while standing.
Normally, when there is one evident leader in the group, all the feet point to
that person. If in that group there is a person who is feeling attracted to
another (sexual attraction, admiration or strong sympathy) the feet are going
to be directed to that person. If in the group someone is nasty or unpleasant,
is pretty secure no feet will point to that person.

In the other hand, if you are chatting with someone and that person's feet
point to the main door, you know you or your conversation is not pleasant
or the person is not interested in what you are saying, at all.

If, for instance, two people are chatting and they are receptive and in the
mood to include a third, their feet will move making a triangle to welcome
the third, inviting this person to be part of that figure; in the opposite case,
they will turn their torsos, keeping their feet over two parallel lines (and
that orientation represents the communication channel).
1. Stability. When someone is standing with legs lightly separated and
parallel feet, is transmitting us certain calmness and security. This is a
typical posture of persons who project confidence.

On the contrary, when we cross our legs while standing, even supporting
the body's weight in one leg. That posture can indicate discomfort,
insecurity. It is also a gesture of isolation which doesn't make
communication easier. If, in addition, the legs are very rigid, it means
tension, we are struggling due to big stress situation or being under pressure
or maybe we are not comfortable in such place.

When we twist the ankles or rock the foot bending the ankle, it is a nervous
gesture, the situation is one of unease for us.
Another very common movement is rocking the body constantly, moving
feet forward and backward, or from left to right. It is typical behavior from
people who speaks in public, as orators, teachers, etc.
As in any other gesture or movement, we need to analyze the context, since
in the foot case it is possible the movements are made due to physical
discomfort like uncomfortable shoes instead of personal distress.

2. Feet's direction. When we are talking to someone and feet doesn't point
in that person's direction we want to express something.

One of the most common postures is to put a foot pointing to a main door or
the exit area while we are talking to someone. This means we want to leave
very quickly.
We understand a gesture not always communicate the same, it varies
according to the context, the countries or the genre. We need to analyze the
context and environment, to figure it out. Who says this is a barrier in
communication without contemplate the context is misunderstanding it.
First of all, we need to understand why the person is moving like that,
therefore the context is necessary.
CHAPTER 7 - Interpretation of some of the most
common gesture when greeting with hands

Handshake with both hands.

This type of greeting consists in giving one hand and also, to cover almost
completely the other person's hand with your other. This gesture comes
from comfort and certainty. This kind of handshake means the person wants
to calm the other. You are transmitting you are very intuitive, that you are
worry about how the others are really feeling. As a result, people see you as
someone who is opening to them and they tend to trust you and to feel safe
in your presence. You just know how to be around the other, how to help,
but without your own limits and borders.

Push and Attraction

"Push and Attraction" is, basically, energy and enthusiasm. Rather than just
moving hands up and down, many people like to make their hands run in
horizontal. With this movement someone could indicate that is excited
about seeing the other person. You, are honest and friendly, so, you want to
share your positive energy with the other person through your greeting.
However, be careful you don't pull too much. Not everyone could share the
same enthusiasm.

The Finger-Crushing Handshake

We believe there isn't even need to describe in much detail what the Finger-
Crushing means. We are sure that at some moment you have found
someone who did it with you. The Finger-Crushing is beyond a "firm"
handshake. Sometimes your fingers even can end numbed. If, on the
contrary, you are the one doing such atrocity with other people's hands, it
means you have a lot of self-esteem and confidence. You mean business and
want the other person to know that you want everything done and prepared.
Squeezing the other person's hand is your way to say the rest of the world
that come over, get into your ship or get out of the way.

The happy passive

This kind of handshake consists in submission. You barely take the other
person's hand and let the strength conquer you. This kind of greeting says
about you, you are an unconcerned one, that you tend to go along with
whatever comes to your life, that you prefer being a passenger, rather than
taking responsibility and control. You like to just go with it and don't worry
about anything other people can think about you. Your lightly passive
attitude can provoke jealousy from your stressed and filled with anxiety
friends.

The fast Handshake

The fast Handshake as its name says, is all about being in a hurry. You take
the other person's hand and shake it quickly and almost furiously up and
down to let it go very fast. That kind of handshake means you are very busy
and don't have time to chat or wasting time in banalities. Actually, you
never lose time, always want to get to the point during a conversation,
either an informal chat or a professional meeting. You are not high about
the clouds. You like to talk about specific topics and make them real as soon
as possible.
The persistent one
The persistent one is just, the lack of social abilities. One of the persons
keeps the handshake for a long time and make it awkward for the other
person, who try to let go. This handshake says you don't believe in social
rules. You just want to live the moment. And at this particular moment you
want to take the other person's hand for a long time, and you are just doing
it. You are a free soul, filled with warm and love.

The winner
This handshake is a teaching about people and hierarchy. The person in
command takes control and demonstrate it putting the hand over the other
person's. The weaker person (socially) ends with the hand beneath. This
kind of handshake is a very subtle sign that you are in control of things
without being too aggressive or violent. You are a person with a plan. You
know best things in life come to those who know to be patient and work
hard.
Fist Bump
Fist Bump is an informal handshake, common among close friends. Instead
of doing a classical handshake, the two persons just bump their fists lightly.
This greeting is how you express you are comfortable with the other person
in an informal way. It indicates you are a good friend, since this class of
interaction would not be made with a stranger. If you are a person who goes
doing the Fist Bump to anybody, be prepare to receive strange looks.

The perfect handshake

Even when we all know there is no perfect person, there are some who
believe a perfect handshake exists. Here they are, the features of a perfect
handshake, although you can take it lightly:
Keep a good posture, keep visual contact, keep your hand at reasonable
distance, shake the other person's hand firmly, follow the two seconds rule,
smile, say hello to the other person and repeat his or her name". However,
although you know how to make "the perfect handshake", it doesn't mean
you must resign to your own personal handshake.
CHAPTER 8 - 10 Qualities every speaker should
possess for powerful body language when
speaking in public
You already know body language plays a major role in transmitting a
message to other people. The message we convey with our body remains in
the subconscious of the other person in a much more intense and shocking
way than what we say with words.

These are 10 body language advices to help you get exactly what you want
from your audience:

1. If you want to boost your own self-confidence during a presentation,

raise your arms and shoulders and keep your back straight. This position
will help you breathe better and be more relaxed. By doing this, you will
make your audience feel comfortable and receptive.

2. Getting the sympathy of your audience is easy, just smile, the smile is
your most powerful weapon.

3. You can involve people by gesticulating with arms and hands in a

natural way and looking directly into people's eyes, we tend to pay more
attention and feel pleased with whoever looks into our eyes when speaking
to us.

4. To convey authority and credibility you must relax yourself, and use
discreet movements that are not too forceful. This way, people will be
inclined to trust you completely and they will perceive you as a confident
person.

5. You need to give movement to your speech. In order to do it, use the
space you have available and walk. If you are presenting three points, for
instance, put yourself in a place to talk about the first point and then take a
couple of steps to the second one. After doing a pause, continue a couple of
steps and start to explain the third point, and so on. This way, you generate
an unconscious impression of dynamism in your presentation.

6. To keep your audience's attention, use a variety of gestures throughout

your presentation. Open gestures, smaller gestures, gestures with your head,
your hands and your arms; gestures that involve moving your hands, but not
your head. You need to keep it interesting in order to draw attention to a
particular point in your presentation.

7. On a screen, point your finger directly at some point and look at the
screen. Your audience will follow your eyes and your finger.

8. Encouraging audience participation will give more warmth to your

presentation. Use broad gestures and if you can, walk among people, we
tend to participate more when we feel physical proximity to the speaker.

9. In some presentations, the audience is allowed to ask questions; to make

them seem easier than they are, pausing and breathing slowly will give you
the time to think and then respond while looking the person who asked the
question in the eye.
10. To achieve your audience buy your story or make them agree with
what you say, use positive affirmative gestures during the presentation. You
need to nod, smile and allow the body to open in agree.

8.1 Interesting information about body language

There is a rule of body language that is very simple to understand and easy
to forget; you can stop talking, but you can't stop communicating, that's
why all the nonverbal reactions that your face and your body make are so
important.
When we are not talking we keep on communicating and that is the magic
of body language, so don't forget it.

We have already spoken about these three characteristics of language and

we have established that language is partially instinctive; what does this
mean? On those occasions when you cannot think how to react, such as, for
example, when someone scares you. You don’t think: How can I react? You
just react according to the moment, maybe you will jump if you are
standing, or you suddenly shrink in the chair, the instinctive is not thought,
it is immediate.

Your body language is also partially taught. What does this mean? What
you have seen in your family, in your parents, even in the group of persons
you have interactions with, you learn from all them. You will express that
body language unconsciously, that is why groups of people move and
communicate in their body language in a similar way.

Your body language can also be in part imitative, it means that we also
acquire body language according to what we saw in other people who
inspire us, an actor or actress. The important thing is understanding that
wanting to imitate someone is normal and our body language begins to
acquire its own personality.

I sincerely recommend you that although instinctive, taught or imitative,

you develop an authentic body language.

Body language reflects our mood, that’s why when we are more serious we
cross our arms and when someone asks us a simple question, for instance:
How are you? Body language is more important than a vague answer we are
transmitting —I'm fine thanks (keeping your arms crossed) your body is
saying the opposite.

We have also seen the 7 universal emotions: Sadness, Anger, Surprise, Fear,
Disgust, Contempt and Joy.

If you start to observe the conversations you have on a daily basis, how
other people begin to project these emotions unconsciously, you will be
able to communicate in a different way because you have captured the
things other people are not saying, and you can find some inconsistencies
while the person speaks, and what the person is trying to hide with the
body.

This is really fascinating

• It’s curious, when your eyes see something pleasant the pupil dilates.
It gets bigger even when there is a lot of light. This is very interesting
because it turns out that when you see something you like or someone you
like, your pupil dilates and you want to find out if that person likes you! So,
watch the other person’s pupil when he or she is with you. If it dilates even
when there is light.

Why?
The pupil expands by instinctive reflex when the light is dim in order to let
more light to pass. Like a diaphragm in photography cameras, pupil grows
larger, and therefore when there is a lot of light, the pupil wouldn’t need to
dilate.
• The body language of introverts. In conversation, introverts tend to keep a
distance from people further, this is a natural reflection. You don’t like
physical contact so much and you prefer to deal with people a little further
away. It’s important, if you want to stop being shy little by little, working
on this reflex which makes you moving away from people in a
conversation.
• Another interesting aspect is the way people assume a space when they sit
down. If someone sits at one end of the table, for instance, on the right side
and leaves a fairly large space, that is, the entire left side of the table is free,
what this person is saying with this wordless gesture is “You can sit down
but leave me alone, don't bother me”
• On the other hand, when a person, instead of sitting at one end of the
table, assumes the center of the table, meaning, covers the central territory,
what this person is communicating without words is “Find yourself another
table, don't disturb me.” Very interesting the way introverts and extroverts
occupy spaces.
• Do you want to improve your confidence? Start practicing these details.
The next time you take your place at an empty table, where will you sit? At
the ends or in the center, you will be fascinated to see the response of
others, even if they don’t know you.
Now let's talk about starting conversations.
• People who are extroverted have no trouble starting conversations,
because they feel safe, and they know that any question or piece of
information they express can open a conversation and if it doesn't, they ask
another question and someone else will start a conversation.
• On the other hand, introverts tend to be more reactive when it comes to
conversation, they are not so used to starting conversations. They are
usually more concerned about what to say, or how to join the group. These
little details will help to gradually gain more confidence, and even if you
don't have the right phrase or the perfect question to start a conversation,
you'll still dare to do it.
• Many times confidence counts more than what you are saying. Even if the
people around you don’t understand the question or comment you can
change to another question immediately, don’t worry. What matters is to
overcome the shyness little by little.
• Look at extroverts; How do they do it? Observing can be a magical way to
gain more confidence when you are not used to it.
• Did you know the most obvious body language is physical contact? It
obviously has to do with different interactions, for instance, when you are
doing business. The professional greeting is extremely important. We can
use it to read our interlocutor and know if we are gaining this person’s
confidence, if we inspire credibility, or we are dealing with a too reluctant
costumer or person.
• When saying goodbye after trying to offer a service or product, there are
important signs to keep in mind. If there is subtle physical contact such as
touching your forearm, or when saying goodbye this possible costumer
touches you near the elbow, it is a good sign.
• In the case of women and men, maybe they say goodbye with a little kiss
on the cheek, which means you have gained confidence. Therefore, we
must observe physical contact and know when it’s convenient for us to
approach someone in that way. And the golden rule is never touch your
costumer before your costumer touches you; avoid to invade the costumer’s
personal space, because this person can take it in a negative way.
• Important fact about body language: Did you know that it is possible to
improve your personality if you modify your body language? By observing
our own body language we become more confident; how do we react when
we meet someone? How do we manage the space? How do we integrate
into a group? When arriving to a meeting, what place do you assume at the
negotiation table?
• All these aspects are body language, and they have to do with the image
you have of yourself and in which aspects you should improve, in order to
gain confidence, security, energy and strength, and be more determined and
assertive.
• We know that these details matter, but we are not aware of what we are
projecting.
• We have shown that by modifying our body language, we can gain more
confidence and security in ourselves, and therefore, change our image in a
positive way.
• Occupying physical space: occupying physical space is a determining
factor in projecting confidence. It is not the same to stand with your arms
at your side and your legs glued together, actually, with such posture it is
difficult to keep your shoulders up and they start to hunch.
• If you want to project more openness, strength and security, you must
expand your body.
• This is important, we are not saying you must be aggressive, it is about
being more confident and avoid a body language that conveys insecurity
and low self-esteem.
• The next body language fact should be verified, because not always has
the same meaning. When you are talking and the other person is constantly
touching an object, is telling you without words “I want you to understand
me.”
• An example would be, if you're talking to your boss and you're telling him
that you don't agree to work overtime and your boss is touching (actually
caressing) his cup of coffee what he's trying to tell you without words is “I
want you to understand my reasons.”
• The other person could be touching a pen, a notebook, or another object,
not necessarily a cup. But the constant movement occurs while is talking or
listening to you.
 CHAPTER 9 - Hints to identify attraction in
people

These hints are very specific, easy to identify and it could be said they are
universal.

-. First attraction hint: You must learn to identify is proxemics, which

means space between people. What happens in a natural and instinctive way
when we like something, when we feel attraction for it, meaning someone
or a piece of cake, we tend to approximate the object of our desire. This
action is unconscious, mostly, but if you pay attention, it can be seen
perfectly.

If you perceive another person trying to approaching physically to you, if

enters your intimate circle of space reducing your security space, this is a
hint of attraction, not necessarily sexual attraction, but that person likes you
somehow and it is obvious.

In proxemics terms, there are three circles around you, such circles limit
different spaces between you and the others. You are the center in this
group of circles. The bigger one is between three to seven feet diameter. It
delimits social space and most of your daily interactions probably occurs in
that ring. You keep a distance of at least three feet with persons you don’t
have a particular emotional connection. Then, there is one intermediate
ring, three feet to twenty inches from you. That is your personal space.
Only people with a trust-based relationship or people who shares a close
and personal moment with you, will be near to you and that happens,
mostly, with family, friends or even people we like and who we like them
although we are not related deeply.

And finally, we have a third ring, from 20 inches to our own body. This ring
covers the intimate space and people you allow inside your intimate space
shares an intimate relationship with you. Not necessarily sexual but very
close. For instance, it is natural your partner access your intimate space but
also your children, mother or a very special friend.

Therefore, applying proxemics to body language topic, if one person you

don’t have that kind of special relationship with, approaches excessively to
your intimate space circle, or even enters it, this indicates what that person
feels for you is, at least, positive. That person’s body feels comfortable
accessing to your space, while most people would feel awkward doing the
same thing.

.-Second attraction hint: You will learn to identify is haptics, and this is
another complicated word which describes touching science. One
interesting thing happens when our body perceives skin-to-skin contact: it
releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is the contact’s chemistry and basically makes
you feel good. That is why it’s highly recommended in childbirth, when the
baby is born, to allow direct contact with the mother’s skin or the father’s.
By doing so the baby's body releases oxytocin, therefore, the newborn feels
relaxed and calmed instantly, it's almost magical.
This faculty of releasing and relaxing is made by our body unconsciously,
in a totally instinctive and basic way.

This is why, when we feel attraction of some kind for another person, we
tend to touch that person to stimulate the production of oxytocin in our
body, and that is pleasant. Maybe this can surprises you, but there are
countless unconscious behaviors people have which help us meet our goals,
in a conscious level, we don’t know what we are doing, or why we do it
exactly. We can easily include haptics as one of those behaviors.

So if someone shake hands with you, it is not relevant, but if that person
touches your arm or puts one hand on your shoulder or even hugs you, your
body will be generating more oxytocin; I suggest you to pay attention.

How often does that person cross the line of physical contact? You need to
evaluate if the person does it frequently, see if it represents some usual
behavior with all people in general. If that is the case, it wouldn’t matter,
because it means this is his or her style, but if these physical contacts occur
exclusively with you, it could be another hint of attraction.
.-The third hint of attraction: You need to learn about is eye contact. Eye
contact, like physical contact, is a trigger for final success. The more mutual
eye contact you keep with another person, the greater amount of oxytocin
release. However, if it is maintained for a while, can become
uncomfortable, except if you are not uncomfortable with that particular
person. There would be another hint of attraction.

That someone looks you in the eye does not necessarily mean anything, but
if eye contact lasts for a space of time and such extension of time results
uncomfortable for other people, you can infer there is a reason why "that
person" is not uncomfortable about producing oxytocin with you
continuously.

9.1 The Gaze and where we direct it.

How we see the world and information our gaze transmit is a surprising and
intriguing subject at the same time. Keep in mind this is not infallible,
because there are some physical or emotional factors that can alter the
meaning of one particular interpretation, for example, laterality.

The fact that you are a left-handed or right-handed person may send
different information when interpreting the direction of the gaze, however,
indications we will share with you are Left and Right, no matter if you are
right-handed or left-handed.

In addition to left and right, the field of gaze is also divided by heights. I
can look up, center or below, so we have five possible directions of our
gaze combining the sides and the height, and this is what looking means to
each of those spaces:

Right and Left

When you see that the other person is looking to your right, this can be
interpreted as an act of recalling, meaning, that person is thinking of
something real, something that actually happened.
When that person looks towards your left is creating something, imagining,
building something with the mind. So, if you ask someone a question about
what he or she did yesterday, for instance, and that person looks to your left,
it is possible he or she is lying because isn’t accessing the memory area in
the brain, on the contrary, the brain is creating something new.

Looking up:
When we look up is usually to recover or create visual elements, aesthetics
or visual aspects of a scene.

Looking Straight:
While looking straight we are normally accessing auditory information,
perhaps a conversation, a tone of voice, a sound, or even specific data is
also considered auditory information.

Looking down:
When we look down we are accessing kinesthetic or emotional information,
that is, physical or psychic sensations such as a hug, a prick, a
disappointment or a moment of joy.

These are all the basic guidelines to detect what the direction of the gaze
means, now you just need to combine them to interpret the messages from
your interlocutors. That being said, there is always a margin of error to be
taken in consideration. In general lines, we can summarize it like this:

If one person looks up and to your left is making up something visual, if

looks up and to your right is remembering something visual. If that person
looks straight with a light tilt to the left, is making up something auditory.

If that person looks straight with a light tilt to the right, is remembering
something auditory. When someone looks down, things are a little different.
When the gaze is directed down and a little to your left you are
remembering a sensation or an emotion and if you look down and to your
right you are making up an emotion a sensation or you are having an inner
dialogue.

This is a very interesting part of body language. When you start to apply
this information to the world around you and start observing based on this
knowledge, it becomes very useful.

9.2 Shaking your head to deny or nod

This is one of the most common body language phenomenon, if you do not
know what it means, perhaps it goes unnoticed and I assure you that you
will need to pay attention when people is saying yes or not with their heads.

Our brain is quite slow, it allows us to do many things, some even very
complex, but it prefers a quiet life. It is as if we had a super processor, but
with a scarce RAM memory, it can carry out very complicated tasks, but
one by one.

What happens when we lie? When we lie, we are asking the brain to
articulate a whole series of verbal and bodily mechanisms which must be
perfectly exposed so that the lie is credible.

Lying is a lot of work, which is why our brain often manages to do part of
the task well, but it gets confused at some moment. Saying something
different from what we really think requires considerable effort for our
brain. Thinking and speaking of whatever we have thought is easy, the
difficult thing is to think, then thinking what we want to say which not
necessarily coincides with what we have in mind, and then articulate our
body language so that it is consistent with whatever we have said and not
necessarily thought.

It's easy to fail when you get to this last step, when people say yes but their
head says no or when they says no but their head says yes it is usually a
mistake in this process.

The body is very sincere by nature and although we do not want to be

honest, our body language will be spontaneously consistent with what we
really think.

An Example: If you ask your co-worker:

— What do you think of the new girl in the office? —And she responds
— Oh, she is great! (While she shakes her head from side to side in denial)
Who do you think is lying, her words or her body? Normally, the body will
be sincere, regardless of her words are truthful or not so, coherence between
verbalized statements and those expressed with the body is usually an
indicator that the person is lying and usually who tells you the truth is the
body.

Possibly you have seen this behavior, witnessed it many times, because it is
one of the most frequent inconsistencies in people's body language, when
they lie. Starting today, you will probably observe it more attentively.

Raising eyebrows:
The facial gesture of raising eyebrows is one of the most frequently
introduced in communication. We are going to explain the two most
common interpretations for this gesture. The most basic interpretation for
raising eyebrows is surprise. Usually, you will see this gesture representing
surprise. It is a reaction produced when someone sees something or hears
something unexpected. The facial expression of surprise includes raised
eyebrows, eyes wide open and a subtly open mouth.

But it really has to be a big surprise for all 3 elements appear. When it's just
a comment the person didn't expect or just a subtle surprise, you might
notice that the person opens the eyes wide and raises the eyebrows without
opening the mouth. Raising the mouth is also common, projecting disbelief
which is a derivative of surprise. It also could be expressed by raising the
eyebrow and opening the eyes, that is the most basic interpretation of the
gesture.

But, perhaps there is another one that is more frequent. People raise their
eyebrows, especially when speaking, to attract the attention of the other
person's gaze, and emphasize what they are saying, for instance, someone is
telling you something and you can see how raises the eyebrows at certain
moments of the speech without necessarily telling you anything surprising;
we do this to emphasize.

Unconsciously, we pay more attention when we see a face transmitting

surprise, and we know this in a subconscious level, so we use it: When we
want to highlight something we say, we raise our eyebrows, and we do it
without thinking, because our body work that well.

Tilting the head

A common body language gesture is tilting your head. This gesture
indicates connection. If you are telling something to someone and suddenly
that person tilts the head to one side, this means that is one hundred percent
paying attention and also being receptive, meaning, it is much more likely
that person is liking what is listening. If the person reproduces this gesture,
it means understanding is generated, a connection with the other person has
been established.

If you are having a conversation with someone and you want to improve the
relationship, it is a good gesture tilting your head subtly to one side while
listening. This way, you are telling the other person’s subconscious that
there is a connection between you two and you are on the same page. If you
do it in a subtle way, that person is not going to notice it. Obviously, the
question: Why does he bow his head? Is not going to cross that person’s
mind but the subconscious does get the message, and that’s what is
important.

If you are an orator or dedicate yourself to teaching, seeing this gesture

among your audience, among your students is a good indication that they
are interested in what you tell them. On the other hand, if that tilting head is
also resting on one hand, it implies boredom, don’t confuse the meaning.

Tilt your head back:

If a person tilts the head back raising the nose and chin, this gesture has a
very clear interpretation: that person feels superior to you, or at least
believes that possess the power at the moment.
You can see this gesture in certain types of bosses and you can also see it in
people with ups and downs who generally think they are superior to the rest
of the people, you can even see it in the public employee, exasperated for
dealing with nasty people who is attended with the predetermined attitude
of: whatever you want, I will do it at my own pace.

Avoid at all costs to reproduce this gesture, because, although many people
do not know how to interpret it, our subconscious does get the message and
therefore, people don’t like it even when they don’t say a single word. No
one likes to feel belittled by another person.

9.3 Pupillometry
Pupillometry is the study of psychological factors which affect the pupil’s
behavior and how we can interpret the most interesting facts while
analyzing the pupil of the person in front of us. This indicator is dilation.

We are talking, and suddenly we perceive how the other person's pupils
dilate slightly, well this is a fantastic sign in most contexts. The pupils dilate
when we feel excitement, enthusiasm, cravings, desire, and we can find this
behavior in very different contexts.

For instance, being on a date, when another person is attracted to you, when
you make a professional proposal and the other person likes it, in a job
interview when the applicant is informed that the salary is higher than he
thought, which is a very unusual situation (but it could happens), when a
tiger stalks its prey etc.
It is not an indicator that we simply like something. Pupils dilated implies a
preparation for what we have in front of us and we are enjoying. Although
it is a very revealing body phenomenon, it really isn’t one of the easiest to
appreciate because you have to be very attentive to realize that the other
person's pupils are dilating.

9.4 Tips to succeed when flirting, whether you are a man or a

woman
Let me tell you that you are part of a community of millions of women and
men from all over the world, and none of you have correctly interpreted the
signs that indicate when one person likes another. And it is common that,
during their nights out looking for the company of the other sex or a mere
moment of fun, when in spite of putting all the effort possible,
communication between both sexes regarding flirting is so complicated that
it leads to violent situations ("I thought you liked me"), when not directly
humiliating for the one who dared to take the step forward.

What men do
Permanent smile
A classic. If the man in front of you can't stop smiling when you're around,
for no apparent reason, he might like you, a lot. The smile is one of the
essential ways to express that another person is causing us good feelings.
If he likes talking to you, he usually comes over to ask you anything and is
in a high mood when is next to you... it is very likely he feels something
special for you.

He looks at your mouth

A more subtle sign, but also a good indicator he likes you. If when you talk
he notices your lips and mouth a lot, it may be a sign that he likes you.
If he looks at your mouth, there are good chances he wants to kiss you.
Obviously, this doesn't mean that anyone who looks at your lips is
desperately wanting to kiss you, but it can be a sign, added to others, which
make you think there is attraction in the air. Watching your lips is an
unconscious gesture, but it says a lot about the intention of the man you are
chatting with.

Eye Contact
Eye contact is one of the most important things you should observe in your
man. Many men will secretly look at you when they think you're not
looking, so if you catch him looking away when you look at him, that's a
good sign! The most confident and secure men will look at you and
maintain eye contact.
Most men tend to be shy about making eye contact with the woman they are
strongly attracted to.
If you discover a man looking at you when you are not looking at him, and
he quickly looks in another direction when you look at him, this indicates
that he likes you (it may not be love, but he is definitely attracted to you).
If you meet a man who makes a shy eye contact with you, it is almost
always a certain sign of attraction to you.

If a man is shamelessly undressing you with the eyes and gives you a
lascivious look, you can tell he is interested in you, but in a "lustful" way.
By doing so he is telling you that he finds you hot, and that he is sexually
attracted to you. If this isn't the kind of relationship you're looking for, just
turn around and ignore him.
When a man is not physically attracted to a woman, he will not be shy
about making eye contact, and this contact will be occasional or he will
give you a disinterested look at you.

Look at his Adam's apple

When you talk to a man who is normally self-confident, and you notice him
a little "nervous" in your presence, see if his Adam's apple moves in an
irregular way, this may be an indication he has feelings for you.
He feels nervous because he is worried about making a good impression on
you, and when a man is nervous his Adam's apple begins to go up and down
because his nervousness. When a man is not interested in a girl, no matter
how beautiful she is, he is not going to be nervous in her presence - he is
going to feel at ease with her.

He can't help being nervous

Even the most confident men show signs of feeling somewhat insecure
when they are around that woman they dream about. Stiffness, hesitancy,
overthinking what they say or do, unnatural movements - these are all signs
of this nervousness.

Men’s body postures

Stand up straight
When a man is in the company of a woman he feels attracted to, he seeks,
unconsciously, to show his masculinity by walking straight ahead, with his
head held high and his stomach in.
This is a man's way to impress a woman with his body. Most men tend to
slouch a lot, so it becomes evident when they suddenly stand up straight in
front of a woman.
In another chapter we talked about nonverbal language. This may be
another area where you can see certain signs of attraction to you. For
example, if he imitates your posture, if he directs his body straight to you, if
he shows off his chest... all these body gestures can indicate attraction.

Observations, nuances, and extra tips

First of all, a small nuance: we human beings are very complex. It is
possible that someone is showing you signs that you interpret incorrectly.
For instance, a man may be trying to spend a lot of time with you for some
reason other than physical attraction. You should value this and take it into
account.
However, although humans are capable of lying through words, gestures
and nonverbal communication are much more difficult to disguise. That's
why gestures, although they may be subtle, offer us a practical way to know
what that man is thinking about you.

What women do
We discovered a series of signs we must pay attention to, if we want to
know the intentions of this woman who interests us.

-If she grooms herself in front of you. Pulling her hair out of her face,
sucking her lips to moisturize them or putting on lip balm or lipstick, all
these are attitudes, most of them unconscious, suggest the woman is
interested in the other person, so she grooms herself to make sure her look
is impeccable. Does your boyfriend not mind you look disheveled, dressed
in any way and without make-up? Bad news.
-If she leans her body towards you. When we're sitting at a table in a
restaurant or standing at a bar, leaning over to the other person indicates
that we're receptive to what this person has to offer. If, on the other hand,
we lean back (not to mention covering our faces or placing our arms in
front of us), we are adopting a reserved and distant attitude.

-If her feet point at you. We tend to adopt postures in which our feet are
directed towards that part of the room we want to go to. This means that
pointing your feet to someone else means that you are curious about them,
but if your potential partner has turned her feet to the door of the bar, it is
because she wants to get out as soon as possible.

-If she moves her lips. One of the unconscious signs of courtship for
women is to move their lips or draw your attention to them, through a long
series of actions, among them, we have: "sucking their lips", continuously
drinking from a glass and even slow chewing.

-If she rolls up her sleeves, it's a good sign since the wrists are one of the
most sensitive parts of a woman's body, and rolling up the sleeves indicates
that she is revealing a part of herself very intimate (even if it doesn't look
like it). Bare forearms can be just the first step on the road to total nudity.

-If her pupils are dilated. When a person feels sympathy or interest in
something or someone, her pupils automatically begin to dilate. So, in
addition to making the always helpful eye contact to strengthen the
relationship, the eye test can help us discover whether or not a woman is
interested in us.
-If her breasts are pointing at you. Let's explain this, since we don't want it
to lead to confusion. As with wrists, breasts are one of the most sensitive
parts of the female body and, in particular, one of the most protected. This
means that, while crossing the arms in front of them is a symptom of the
need for protection, presenting a body posture in which the breast stands out
to the eye shows us the way to go.

-If she raise her eyebrows. It is a gesture that indicates that we have our
eyes open to what we have in front of us, and also, we feel curiosity and
predisposition. There is one exception, of course: when the raising of the
eyebrows is a response to an indecent proposal. In that case, it doesn’t mean
interest, it means that you must go back to wherever you came from.

-When she doesn’t look away in the short distances. This is one of the
questions that keeps every man awake at night: When is the right moment
to kiss a woman, minimizing the risk of her looking away? Some experts
point out that it is relatively permissible to jump at it, if two factors are met.
The first is that the distance between the two faces is close, that is, it has
exceeded the limits of what is socially acceptable with a friend or partner.
The second is that the gaze between the two is maintained for a more or less
prolonged period of time without either of them look away. See if she
makes strategic movements to get to your side.

-If she imitates you. We end up adopting the same gestures as those people
we consider interesting, influential or seductive, so if we see ourselves
reflected in the woman we are interested in, we are surely on the right track.
It can also happen in the case that, for example, we grab the fork or the
glass at the same time. But beware: she may simply be teasing you.
-If she touches you. In a non-sexual way, of course, because otherwise, why
would we need these tips? Proxemics points out that we tend to place
ourselves closer to those people with whom we feel comfortable –so, pay
attention if in the bar she makes strategic movements to place herself by
your side- and if we want to start a relationship, we avoid gestures like
crossing our arms (if this happens, you don't stand a chance).

-When you win in the comparison. Maybe all the above points don't say
anything by themselves, since a woman may be outgoing enough to do
everything previously listed with any man who crosses her path. So look at
how she behaves with others and think about how she do it with you.
Maybe that's just the way it is, maybe you've succeeded.
CHAPTER 10 - Body language in children and
teenagers

The verbal component in children and teenagers is used to communicate

information. And the nonverbal express personal states and attitudes. We
have heard many times “it’s not what is said, but how it’s said”. That’s why
in a face-to-face conversation between one child (or a teenager) and the
mother we can affirm that 35% of that conversation corresponds to the
verbal component, while 65% corresponds to nonverbal communication.

All we have heard at some moment, parents saying:

"Our parents told us, and so we tell our children.”
"I don't know what's wrong, but I didn't like that boy. He made a bad
impression on me”

When we meet a person, the first four minutes of the first interaction
represent between 60 and 80% of the first impression and all that
information comes from this teenager or child's body language.

We have seen some young people and their attitudes, and it can bother us.
We may see them as rude and we don’t like these kids to be with our
children. It’s a good choice to observe these children’s body language in
detail. It could surprise us how different it might be from how we perceive
it the first time. Probably, the fact of being affected by something he or she
was experiencing at the time, could alter what we perceived from them.
So, we can say with confidence this first impression is the key to get an idea
of the personality of the child or adolescent.

When we talk to the child we have to pay attention to what he is telling, and
the attention he could be giving us in return at the time. The components of
humor always are refreshing during the conversation. For instance, most of
the time children have ingenious questions to ask and we ended speechless.
In the same way, the answers we receive from them are often unbelievable.

Now, we are going to explore the child's non-verbal communication. We

need to realize that verbal communication is accompanied by the child's
movement. Many times they have aggressive jerky movements while other
children are calmed and smooth in their gestures.

It also has to do with the child's facial expression, with the look, the posture
and the smile, the gestures, personal appearance, in the distance the child’s
body keep or the physical contact the child seeks.
When we talk about paralanguage, it has to do with the volume of the voice.
On many occasions the child is not able to handle it due to a matter of age.
Mostly, it has to do with the child’ shouts, the timbre of the voice, the speed
he uses when speaking which many times causes he is not understood, the
tone, the fluency of the words, the pauses, the silences and the clarity.

The body and gestures of children and adolescents convey more

information than any great story. Parents and educators must begin to pay
attention to the hidden messages that children and students transmit on a
daily basis without realizing it, the key to effective communication is there.
According to studies made by child psychologists 87% of the information a
father and his children share in conversations comes through the eyes while
9% comes through the ears and the rest through the other senses. Therefore,
it is emphasized in these studies, that 38% of the conversation with a child
has to do with the tone. If the tone of voice we use while speaking to a child
is authoritarian and mandatory, a strong voice and hands with threatening
gestures, the child pay attention to it. Sees it and learns from it.

We have discussed the 3 forms of communication, verbal, nonverbal and

paralanguage, but the question is, how can we interpret the body language
of the child and adolescent we are talking to?
We, adults, label children according to our perception, but we don’t stop
and look at why we mark some characteristics with an x. Now I will tell
you.

Let’s start with the body language of a shy child. The body of this silent
child, most of the time is hardly 100% visible. We have seen this before, the
child’s body partially hidden by a wall, a piece of furniture, frequently
seeking the mother or the father to hide half of his body. And what this
child is looking, is having a support, which generates security. The gaze is
attentive and observing. The body has a closed attitude. The child has few
gestures, the volume of the voice is normally low and, speaks very fast
without vocalizing and gets nervous in crowded places and unknown
environments.

Overcoming shyness can be hard. It is a condition which needs work. It is

recommendable the child wears strong color’s clothes, which allow the
body can be seen easily. Avoid camouflage in outfits. You can play with the
child in front of a mirror this way: Look at the mirror and smile. When the
child repeats your action, you can laugh as an empathy reflex; this way you
can strength how nice the child is.

When you are walking, encourage your child to maintain a straight posture,
to stretch the body upward and not being hunched and to keep the head up.
Look at the child in the eye. There are many things you can teach. One of
them is not to low the eyes. Teach him how to greet in a safe and strong
way when you two enter a site.

With these exercises, you can teach your child to move more openly,
sociably and increase the child’s confidence. By practicing more and more
you will notice changes in the attitude.

Now we are going to work on verbal, nonverbal and para language

regarding the insecure teenager. This younger sweats his hands and his neck
has a closed posture in arms and legs or both, the gestures are not natural.
This teenager doesn’t look into the eyes in a natural way.

He scratches himself impulsively, grabs or rubs the hands, if standing, this

teen sways, makes nervous movements with the hands, there are few facial
expressions, has many hesitations and gives a lot of justification for his or
her actions.

Normally, the teenager with this personality is uncomfortable with you or

with someone else, tries not to look at you, shows less empathetic
behaviors, the questions the teen asks are not personal, maintains an elusive
gaze. Even the posture of this child is totally oriented elsewhere.
This teenager doesn’t speak of her or himself. Doesn’t say make
confidences or build other relationships, isolation from the family group is
frequent, so, it is common this teen increases the interpersonal distance. The
smile is a little fake. This teen also changes the subject constantly, his or her
posture is more closed, both arms and legs, and has facial and body tension.

While a child with a positive attitude shows a smile along with other
gestures, looks in the eye, keeps the head straight, without raising and
shows gestures of security with the chin.

Having symmetry and forcefulness, this child expresses his or herself

through the body, the gestures are open, approaches the others confidently,
doesn’t withdraw backwards, a coherence between the verbal and nonverbal
and coherence among the different nonverbal elements are shown.

A child with a more confident personality shows interest in being with the
person him or she is interacting with at the moment. He has an intermittent
gaze, but looking into the eye. He has a smile, even a permanent laugh, he
or she has an empathetic listening attitude. Has empathetic synchrony and
adopt the same gestures and a posture similar to the persons he or she has
interacted with. The pupils are more dilated in relation to the brightness of
the environment. There is more closeness, less personal distance and even
physical contact.

The posture is one hundred percent oriented towards the other person, is
symmetrical and relaxed. This teen asks more personal questions and offers
self-revelations, expresses positive things and shows it on the face. There is
coherence between the verbal and the nonverbal, and there is no facial or
body tension.

Also, there are children who bully. These children’s chin is normally raised.
They show a direct and continuous look without almost blinking, they do it
in an intimidating way. They exhibit themselves in a place of power
position and great control.

They remove the possibility of movement or maneuver, invading personal

space, increasing the volume of the voice with respect to the other,
continuously interrupting, relativizing or ignoring the other's comments,
showing sarcastic or ironic gestures. These children have a false smile or no
smile.

When these children get angry, they raise the volume of the voice, wield
fists, show intense and hard gazes, closed fists, fast and intense breathing
and notorious body tension.

There are also motivating children, leading children, children who have a
wide smile, a warming volume of the voice, straight but no intimidating
gaze and pauses in the language, along with an empathetic intense joyful
attitude.
We can now talk about peaceful and calmed children.

They have a calmed smile, straight gaze and a slight smile, calmed
movements define these children’s body language, medium speech speed,
medium-low voice volume, gestures in accordance with the emotions
expressed by the other empathetic mirror, they are children who are
normally seen like grown children.

Children with a negative attitude

Normally, we can see a negative attitude in children when all the
manifestations keep them away from their desired objective. A negative
motivation can be seen when they avoid approaching the task they need to
carry out, and even detest approaching to it.

Children and teenagers need at the same time security and be open towards
others. The word of children's body language and the way to achieve
communication with them is authenticity.
 CHAPTER 11 - Detecting Lies
How to detect lies in the construction of sentences through inconsistencies
and even in certain behaviors? Let's see how to detect lies by asking
questions.
Detecting lies through questions is perhaps the most explicit way to do it,
but there are details that you can observe in their answers to detect lies
without being too obvious. Communication expert Vanessa van Edwards
explains it through two elements we can observe in this regard:

-The use of generalizations.

Human beings usually avoid telling lies because they need to feel whole, so,
whenever a person can get out of the situation without lying, will do it and
this is something that you can use to detect lies. Generalizations are a
widely used resource when it comes to avoid lying without telling the truth.
For example, you have started dating someone and you ask: “Do you get
along with your ex-partners?” If that person doesn’t gets along with their
ex-partners and doesn’t want to tell you, because wants to keep a good
impression in front of you, may answer your question with something like:

“I think that maintaining a positive relationship with ex-partners is

important.” Your question is not answered, it has been simply detoured to
generalizing so in your brain resounds your own conclusion, which is, “this
person does get along with ex-partners” and it would not feel dishonest
because you have supposed it and this person really didn’t say that.

Indirect justification:
You suspect one person has done something questionable in some way, for
example, stealing, slandering, using work hours for personal issues, leaving
after accidentally hitting a parked car etc.

A good strategy would be to ask for that person’s opinion about the
behavior in a general way. It is important this person doesn’t think you may
be suspicious, you just want to know what his or her opinion is.

For example, you lead a work team and suspect that a team member is
going home an hour early every day without reason. What you can do is
questioning members in a meeting: “What measures you, the team
members, propose regarding absenteeism and belatedness?” That person's
opinion probably includes some kind of justification for the behavior, for
example, may respond something like:

“Well, it’s not necessary to be that strict, if someone does not meet 100% of
working hours someday, is because personal circumstances can be
complicated. I wouldn’t penalize him if his dedication in the company is
good.”
With this answer, the employee is maintaining his integrity by not being a
hypocrite about his own behavior.

As you can see the use of generalizations and indirect justifications are key
indications someone is lying to us.

At a professional level these steps must to be followed in order to detect

lies:
1 Ask non-threatening questions, the first thing you need to do is to identify
how that person communicates when doesn’t feel threatened, when is not
afraid, when this person is not lying. You have to watch how the person
behaves when is telling the truth, so you can recognize certain frequent
gestures, nervous tics. This way you will not confuse them with signs of
nervousness later.
Some examples of questions to diagnose the normal communication style of
someone can be:

How is the weather today?

How did you spend the weekend?
What are you going to eat today?
Have you seen x news in the press today?

These are simple questions that will not induce any type of stress in the
person who answers and this way you will be able to see exactly what
elements of someone’s communication style are manifested in non-
threatening conditions.
2 Evaluate the body language, look at specific details while answering your
non-stressful questions to detect how this person behave in a relaxed mood:
How the posture is?

Does this person maintain any repetitive movements? Like scratching,

tapping with the fingers, moving one foot, how this person moves the
hands? A lot, not at all, discreetly or in an exaggerated way?

Crosses the legs? How is the posture when the person is sitting? Does the
person blinks a lot? Does the person has some tic? Are the person’s relaxed
facial expressions marked?
Value the person’s voice, you must look at the voice in that same non-
threatening situation, since this is another element that transmits a lot about
the emotional state.

Is the person’s voice high pitch or grew deep? Does the person speak high
or low? Does the person laugh easily and how the laugh sounds? Does the
person usually cough? Does the person make time while thinking the next
answer?

You must evaluate the person’s behavior during an emotional active state.

You have already analyzed the behavior of that person in a relaxed state,
now we will see how this person behaves during emotional active state.
First of all, you must make yourself aware of the difference between a
passionate emotional state. For instance, when someone is talking about the
favorite basketball team or this person’s children, and is bearing a nervous
or tense emotional state, when is the tax audit season or simply when the
person is anxious. Neither of these two emotional states should be confused
with how this person reacts when is lying.

It is not an easy step, so make sure you have a topic of conversation that
leads to a passionate state, and this must be done in the context of how this
person behaved in a relaxed state. Then you must bring up a topic of
conversation which takes this person into a state of nervousness. At this
point, you must perform the same assessment.

In this way you will learn to identify when one reaction reflects
nervousness and you will not confuse it with the reaction of someone who
lies.
- Dig deeper and look for warning signs.

It is time to ask open direct questions about what you really want to know
and evaluate changes in the person’s behavior. Open direct questions about
a topic the person could be willing to lie about, will generate much more
tension than closed questions to which this person only has to answer with a
yes or no, or a piece of information. When this person elaborated the
answer, did the body language changed regarding what you had appreciated
in previous states? And does the voice sound any different?

- This is the time to look for warning signs, for instance, the person’s gaze.
As we have already discussed in the chapter on the direction of the gaze,
when you have a person facing you and you ask about any subject and this
person looks to your left (looking up) it is possible this person is lying, as
the person is not accessing the memories brain’s area, but is making up
something.
It is good being attentive to the movement of the hands too, the feet’s
direction, the voice, etc.
-Look for patterns. A pattern is a set of specific behaviors. You need to find
a question you know this person is going to answer with a lie and that
would fantastic because it is an opportunity to assess this person’s behavior
exactly when is lying.
Look for patterns of behavior while answering that question, in other words,
look for alarm signals combined.
The presence of a pattern doesn’t necessarily mean a person is lying. I have
already mentioned that this is not an exact science, but when several alarm
signals appear at the same time and those behaviors differ from everything
you have previously evaluated which are calm, passionate and nervous
states, the chances this person is lying rise exponentially. You can take it as
a sign of where exactly pressure deeper.

11.1 How to increase your nonverbal intelligence and your ability to

observe body language. Guidelines.
When you are in a group or meeting, familiar or professional, one good
guideline is to observe from the distance. What does it mean? We are not
talking about physical distance, but an emotional one. It’s like being behind
a glass, you are watching, but it doesn’t have to be evident.

You have to be very discreet, to watch carefully, otherwise this will

influence the behavior of others and may even cause you some problems
with some of them.
Observing the whole body, not only the facial expression. You need to
watch what people do with their hands, with their feet, the way they move
in space. Even the rhythm when speaking, the behavior they have towards
others, if there is physical contact or not, if they approach too much.

All this will give you a lot of information about how these persons are and
how they behave. It’s just learning about their attitude and their intentions.
Be attentive to how these people adapt to their surroundings, to the context
and to the relationship, because depending on what one does, the other will
respond, for sure. All this approaching to analyze relationships is something
to look at.
There are people, for instance, who adapt very little and people who adapt
very quickly.
Be very alert to changes such as a sudden aphonia, a change in body
position, a change in gaze, if the person begins to stutter.

All this can be an indication that the person has felt uncomfortable or
surprised by something that has been said at the moment of the
conversation and therefore can give us very relevant information.

This can be improved by practicing, you have to observe and practice every
day and in different scenarios, with different people inside and outside your
circle of family and friends; take into consideration that unconsciously, you
know the movements of your family and acquaintances. Therefore, you
must practice with people you don’t know very well and also, with
strangers you don’t know.
Dare to immerse yourself in this fascinating world of understanding and
reading body language, I assure you that you will never see people in the
same way again.
 EPILOGUE
Thank you for accompany me on this path. Together we have reached the
end of this journey of human communication and its variations, many of
which have been the protagonists and hosts throughout this book.

They have been presented as ways of transmitting without words, feelings

and emotions. Pain, love, anger, happiness, etc. All they reflect deeper
feelings of lack of affection, fears, doubt, in short, everything which can
restrain us in the way to fully understanding and deep connection between
human beings, something so important in these times.

We have learned that much of what we are told is only half true, that there
is a concert within the human body singing ideas and thoughts, that we can
discern if we prepare ourselves to have this knowledge: to read body
language. To see the other half of those truths and understand the whole,
has been my sincere intention in writing this book.
 Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
Іmрrоvе Уоur Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ аnd
Еmоtіоnаl Аgіlіtу Fоr а Bеttеr Lіfе,
Ѕuссеѕѕ Аt Wоrk аnd Hарріеr
Rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Dіѕсоvеr Whу іt Саn
Mаttеr Mоrе Thаn ІQ (ЕQ 2.0)
 Іntrоduсtіоn
Thе ѕtudу оf еmоtіоn hаѕ bееn аrоund fоr ѕеvеrаl сеnturіеѕ, аѕ fаr bасk аѕ
whеn Рlаtо wrоtе: “Аll lеаrnіng hаѕ аn еmоtіоnаl bаѕе.” Durіng thе еаrlу
сеnturіеѕ, іt wаѕ соmmоnlу thоught thаt еmоtіоnѕ аffесtеd humаnѕ
nеgаtіvеlу. Mаnу еlіtеѕ оf thаt еrа bеlіеvеd а mаn wоuld dо bеttеr іf hе
wаѕn't hеld bасk bу еmоtіоnѕ. Mаnу bеlіеvеd thаt mаn wаѕ а ѕlаvе tо hіѕ
еmоtіоnѕ. Unfоrtunаtеlу, mаnу ѕtіll dо. А quісk burѕt оf аngеr рrоmрtіng а
vіоlеnt асt thаt wоuld bе rеgrеttеd lаtеr оn, оr а bоut оf dерrеѕѕіоn drіvіng а
рrоmіѕіng hіgh-ѕріrіtеd уоuth tо ѕuісіdе аrе еxаmрlеѕ оf thе nеgаtіvе
еffесtѕ оf еmоtіоnѕ оf humаnѕ. Thе еmоtіоn wаѕ раrt оf mаn, but іt wаѕ
соnѕіdеrеd mаn'ѕ оbѕtасlе tо асhіеvіng muсh mоrе.
Thе 90ѕ ѕаw а ѕhіft іn hоw еmоtіоnѕ аrе реrсеіvеd. А grоwіng bоdу оf
rеѕеаrсh соntіnuеѕ tо рrоvе thаt еmоtіоn, оnсе соnѕіdеrеd а lіmіtаtіоn,
hоldѕ ѕubѕtаntіvе vаluе.
Іn thе 1950ѕ, thе "Humаn Роtеntіаl" mоvеmеnt wаѕ ѕраrkеd bу Аbrаhаmѕ
Mаѕlоw'ѕ рареr whісh еxрlаіnеd hоw humаnѕ соuld еnhаnсе thеіr
еmоtіоnаl, ѕріrіtuаl, рhуѕісаl аnd mеntаl сарасіtу. Thіѕ mоvеmеnt ѕаw
humаn еmоtіоn аѕ а ѕtrеngth rаthеr thаn а wеаknеѕѕ. Thіѕ wаѕ соnѕіdеrеd а
grеаt сеlеbrаtіоn оf humаnіѕm аnd ореnеd thе dооr tо furthеr ѕtudу іntо thе
роwеr оf humаn еmоtіоnѕ.
Іn 1990, Реtеr Ѕаlоvеу аnd Jоhn Mауеr рublіѕhеd аn аrtісlе tіtlеd
"Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе" whісh ѕtаtеѕ thаt еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ а
ѕсіеntіfісаllу tеѕtаblе іntеllіgеnсе. Аlthоugh thе tеrm 'еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе’ wаѕ fіrѕt uѕеd іn 1964 bу Mісhаеl Bеldосh, іt rеmаіnеd а
rеlаtіvеlу unknоwn соnсерt untіl 1995, whеn Dаnіеl Gоlеmаn, іn hіѕ bооk
tіtlеd "Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе", wrоtе еxtеnѕіvеlу оn thе ѕubjесt. Thе
соnсерt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе hаѕ bееn wіdеlу uѕеd еvеr ѕіnсе.
Vаrіоuѕ rеѕеаrсh ѕtudіеѕ оn thе соnсерt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе hаvе
еѕtаblіѕhеd іt аѕ аn еаѕіlу реrсеіvаblе trаіt іn реорlе. Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
іѕ іmроrtаnt іn mаkіng grеаt dесіѕіоnѕ аnd іn dаіlу іntеrасtіоn wіth оthеr
humаn bеіngѕ.
Ѕtudіеѕ hаvе ѕhоwn thаt hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ lіnkеd tо grеаt
mеntаl hеаlth, lеаdеrѕhір ѕkіllѕ, hеаlthіеr аррrоасhеѕ tо rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аnd
bеttеr jоb реrfоrmаnсе.
Реорlе wіth gооd еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аrе оftеn knоwn tо hаvе ассurаtе
реrсерtіоnѕ оf thеmѕеlvеѕ аѕ thеу аrе hіghlу ѕеlf-аwаrе іndіvіduаlѕ. Thеу
оftеn knоw whаt thеу аrе fееlіng аnd knоw hоw tо еxрrеѕѕ thеіr fееlіngѕ.
Thеѕе реорlе саn аlѕо еаѕіlу undеrѕtаnd thе еxреrіеnсеѕ аnd fееlіngѕ оf
оthеrѕ. Thеу аrе gеnеrаllу еmоtіоnаllу bаlаnсеd реорlе wіth fеwеr
rеgrеttаblе асtіоnѕ. Thеу ѕееm tо аlwауѕ mаkе саlсulаtеd dесіѕіоnѕ аnd аrе
rаrеlу tаkеn оvеr bу thеіr еmоtіоnѕ. Thеу аlwауѕ рау аttеntіоn tо
thеmѕеlvеѕ аnd tо оthеrѕ. Dеvеlоріng hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ а grеаt
ѕtер tоwаrdѕ ѕеlf-dеvеlорmеnt.
Thіѕ bооk еxрlаіnѕ thе соnсерt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аnd оthеr
ѕurrоundіng соnсерtѕ. Іt wіll hеlр уоu undеrѕtаnd hоw еmоtіоnѕ аffесt dаіlу
lіfе, hоw thеу аffесt реrѕоnаl аnd fоrmаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аnd hоw thеу
іnfluеnсе оur dесіѕіоnѕ іn vаrуіng ѕіtuаtіоnѕ. Іt аlѕо еxрlаіnѕ hоw wе саn bе
mоrе еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt bу brеаkіng dоwn thе kеу аrеаѕ оf еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе аnd ѕuggеѕtіng wауѕ tо buіld соmреtеnсе іn thеѕе аrеаѕ.
 Сhарtеr 1: Whаt Іѕ Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе?

Іn ѕіmрlе tеrmѕ, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ rесоgnіzіng еmоtіоnѕ аnd

lеvеrаgіng оn еmоtіоnаl іnfоrmаtіоn іn mаkіng hеаlthу сhоісеѕ.
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ thе сарасіtу tо rесоgnіzе оur еmоtіоnѕ аnd
rеgulаtе thеm, tо dіѕсеrn thе еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ, аnd tо dіffеrеntіаtе
bеtwееn vаrуіng еmоtіоnѕ, uѕіng thіѕ іnfоrmаtіоn tо fасіlіtаtе thоughtѕ аnd
bеhаvіоr іn оrdеr tо асhіеvе thе dеѕіrеd rеѕultѕ.
Ѕіnсе еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іnvоlvеѕ rесоgnіzіng еmоtіоnѕ, іt іѕ іmроrtаnt
tо hаvе аn undеrѕtаndіng оf whаt еmоtіоnѕ аrе аnd whаt tуреѕ оf еmоtіоnѕ
thеrе аrе.
Whаt Аrе Еmоtіоnѕ?

Іn 384-322 BСЕ, Аrіѕtоtlе dеѕсrіbеd еmоtіоnѕ аѕ "thоѕе fееlіngѕ thаt ѕо

сhаngе mеn аѕ tо аffесt thеіr judgmеntѕ, аnd thаt аrе аlѕо аttеndеd bу раіn
оr рlеаѕurе. Ѕuсh аrе аngеr, ріtу, fеаr аnd thе lіkе, wіth thеіr орроѕіtеѕ."
Thеѕе аrе mеntаl ѕtаtеѕ оr fееlіngѕ thаt оссur ѕроntаnеоuѕlу аnd nоt bу
іntеntіоn. Thеѕе fееlіngѕ аrе оftеn ассоmраnіеd bу рhуѕіоlоgісаl rеасtіоnѕ.
Thеѕе оссurrеnсеѕ аrе іn rеѕроnѕе tо оur реrсерtіоn оf whаt іѕ hарреnіng оr
whаt wе ѕее оr hеаr реr-tіmе.
Еmоtіоnѕ hеlр uѕ undеrѕtаnd оur еxреrіеnсеѕ. Wе wоuld nеvеr knоw thаt
thе dеаth оf а lоvеd оnе іѕ а ѕаd еxреrіеnсе іf wе hаvе nеvеr fеlt ѕаdnеѕѕ.
Wе wоuld nеvеr knоw thаt ѕоmеоnе dеѕtrоуіng оur lаwn іѕ аn аnnоуіng
еxреrіеnсе іf wе hаvе nеvеr fеlt аngrу. Fееlіng еmоtіоnѕ hеlр uѕ саtеgоrіzе
оur еxреrіеnсеѕ аnd rеасt ассоrdіnglу.
Роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ rеgіѕtеr аn еxреrіеnсе wе аrе hаvіng оr аrе аbоut tо hаvе
аѕ gооd аnd wоrth hаvіng. Whеn wе ѕау wе lооk fоrwаrd tо thе еxреrіеnсе,
іt іѕ nоt thе еxреrіеnсе wе lооk fоrwаrd tо реr ѕé. Іt іѕ mоrе thе еmоtіоnѕ
аѕѕосіаtеd wіth thаt еxреrіеnсе thаt wе lооk fоrwаrd tо hаvіng.
Оn thе оthеr hаnd, nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аlеrt uѕ оf unрlеаѕаnt оr роtеntіаllу
unрlеаѕаnt еxреrіеnсеѕ. Wе knоw wе ѕhоuld dо сеrtаіn thіngѕ оr nоt dо
сеrtаіn thіngѕ іf wе wоuld аvоіd ѕuсh еxреrіеnсеѕ. Fоr еxаmрlе, whеn wе
аrе fасеd wіth а ѕuddеn thrеаt, wе fееl fеаr оf lоѕѕ оr раіn. Thе еmоtіоn оf
fеаr trіggеrѕ а fіght оr flіght rеасtіоn. Whаt wе rеаllу аrе trуіng tо аvоіd іѕ
thе lоѕѕ оr раіn, nоt thе оссurrеnсе іtѕеlf.
Wіthоut еmоtіоnѕ, thеrе wоuld bе nо еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аnd wіthоut
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, wе wоuld nоt bе аblе tо tеll рrесіѕеlу thе kіndѕ оf
еxреrіеnсеѕ wе wаnt tо hаvе аnd thе kіndѕ wе dоn't wаnt tо hаvе.
Ассоrdіng tо аuthоr Dаvіd G. Mеуеrѕ, "Еmоtіоn іѕ mаdе uр оf thrее
соmроnеntѕ; рhуѕіоlоgісаl аrоuѕаl, еxрrеѕѕіvе bеhаvіоrѕ, аnd соnѕсіоuѕ
еxреrіеnсе."
Рhуѕіоlоgісаl аrоuѕаl mеаnѕ thе реrѕоn fееlіng а раrtісulаr еmоtіоn wіll
bесоmе рhуѕіоlоgісаllу аlеrt. Thіѕ іѕ а роіnt whеrе thе ѕеnѕе оrgаnѕ аrе
ѕtіmulаtеd tо реrсеіvе. Рhуѕіоlоgісаl аrоuѕаl іѕ рrіmаrіlу соntrоllеd bу а
раrt оf thе brаіn саllеd thе rеtісulаr асtіvаtіng ѕуѕtеm (RАЅ).
Еxрrеѕѕіvе bеhаvіоr rеfеrѕ tо а bеhаvіоrаl rеасtіоn tо thе реrсерtіоn оf
whаt іѕ hарреnіng, оr tо whаt іѕ ѕееn, hеаrd оr thоught. Thіѕ оftеn іnvоlvеѕ
vеrbаl аnd nоn-vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn оf а реrѕоn'ѕ еmоtіоnѕ.
Соnѕсіоuѕ Еxреrіеnсе rеfеrѕ tо thе аwаrеnеѕѕ оf а реrѕоn’ѕ еnvіrоnmеnt,
whаt hе ѕееѕ, hеаrѕ аnd fееlѕ аѕ wеll аѕ hіѕ thоughtѕ.
Ассоrdіng tо Раul Еkmаn, thеrе аrе ѕіx bаѕіс еmоtіоnѕ аnd thеу аrе аngеr,
dіѕguѕt, fеаr, hарріnеѕѕ, ѕаdnеѕѕ, аnd ѕurрrіѕе. Rоbеrt Рlutсhіk ѕuggеѕtѕ
thеrе аrе еіght. Thеѕе еіght hе grоuреd іntо 4 раіrѕ оf роlаr орроѕіtеѕ: jоу
аnd ѕаdnеѕѕ, аngеr аnd fеаr, truѕt аnd dіѕtruѕt, ѕurрrіѕе аnd аntісіраtіоn.
Рrіmаrу аnd Ѕесоndаrу Еmоtіоnѕ

Еmоtіоnѕ аrе grоuреd іntо рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ, ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоnѕ, аnd

tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ.
Рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ аrе thе іnіtіаl еmоtіоnѕ fеlt іn rеѕроnѕе tо а реrсерtіоn.
Thеѕе еmоtіоnѕ аrе fеаr, аngеr, ѕаdnеѕѕ, jоу, lоvе, аnd ѕurрrіѕе. Thеѕе аrе
thе еmоtіоnѕ уоu fееl wіthоut thіnkіng. Thеу аrе іnѕtіnсtіvе fееlіngѕ wе
dоn't рlаn tо hаvе. Іmаgіnе уоu аrе wаlkіng dоwn thе rоаd іn thе соmраnу
оf а frіеnd аnd а rесklеѕѕ сусlіѕt runѕ іntо уоur frіеnd. Thе еmоtіоn уоu
lіkеlу іnѕtіnсtіvеlу fееl іѕ fеаr. Fеаr thаt уоur lоvеd оnе mау gеt hurt.
Рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ аrе оftеn саllеd trаnѕіеnt bесаuѕе thеу dіѕарреаr quісklу
аnd аrе rерlасеd. Thеу аrе rерlасеd bу ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоnѕ аnd саn bе
ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоnѕ thеmѕеlvеѕ.
Ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоnѕ аrе аn оffѕhооt оf рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ. Thеѕе еmоtіоnѕ
rерlасе рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ. Thе еmоtіоn оf fеаr уоu fеlt whеn уоu ѕаw уоur
lоvеd оnе gеttіng knосkеd dоwn bу thе rесklеѕѕ сусlіѕt mау bе rерlасеd bу
thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf аngеr. Уоu fееl аngrу аt thе сусlіѕt fоr саuѕіng
ѕоmеоnе уоu lоvе раіn.
Thеrе аrе ѕо mаnу еmоtіоnѕ thаt іt іѕ соnѕіdеrеd іmроѕѕіblе tо lіѕt аll
еmоtіоnѕ thаt еxіѕt, but bеlоw іѕ а gеnеrаllу соmрrеhеnѕіvе lіѕt оf humаn
еmоtіоnѕ аnd thеіr mеаnіng. Thіѕ lіѕt соntаіnѕ thе bаѕіс еmоtіоnѕ, thеіr
mеаnіngѕ, аnd thеіr rеlаtеd ѕесоndаrу аnd tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ. Аѕ уоu gо
thrоugh thіѕ lіѕt, trу tо rеmеmbеr tіmеѕ whеn уоu fеlt еасh оf thеѕе
еmоtіоnѕ. Аlѕо, trу tо rеmеmbеr tіmеѕ whеn уоu wіtnеѕѕеd ѕоmеоnе еlѕе
еxрrеѕѕ еасh оf thе lіѕtеd еmоtіоnѕ. Уоu саn tаkе аѕ muсh tіmе аѕ уоu nееd.
Fеаr

Fеаr іѕ аn unрlеаѕаnt fееlіng trіggеrеd bу а ѕеnѕе оf dаngеr оr а thrеаt. Іt іѕ

thе еmоtіоn wе fееl whеn wе thіnk ѕоmеthіng bаd іѕ gоіng tо hарреn. Thе
рrіmаrу trіggеr оf fеаr іѕ thе реrсерtіоn оf іmmіnеnt раіn. Thіѕ соuld bе
рhуѕісаl раіn: fеаr оf bоdіlу hаrm оr hurt; оr еmоtіоnаl раіn: fеаr оf lоѕѕ,
rеjесtіоn оr dіѕtrеѕѕ; оr ѕосіаl раіn: fеаr оf dіѕgrасе, іѕоlаtіоn оr ѕhаmе. Wе
fееl thе еmоtіоn оf fеаr nоt оnlу fоr оurѕеlvеѕ but fоr оthеrѕ аѕ wеll. Fеаr
fоr оthеrѕ саn ѕоmеtіmеѕ bе mоrе unрlеаѕаnt tо еxреrіеnсе thаn fеаr fоr
оnеѕеlf. Thіѕ іѕ bесаuѕе wе uѕuаllу саn't соntrоl whаt hарреnѕ tо оthеrѕ.
Fеаr rаngеѕ frоm а lіttlе ѕсаrе ассоmраnіеd bу mіld muѕсulаr tеnѕіоn tо а
раrаlуzіng fееlіng ассоmраnіеd bу сrіррlіng muѕсulаr tеnѕіоn оr numbnеѕѕ.
Whеn wе hаvе а ѕеrіоuѕ fеаr оf а thіng оr аn аnіmаl, іt іѕ саllеd а рhоbіа.
А ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо fеаr іѕ "nеrvоuѕnеѕѕ". Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ
rеlаtіng tо nеrvоuѕnеѕѕ аrе аnxіеtу, drеаd, unеаѕіnеѕѕ, tеnѕеnеѕѕ,
аррrеhеnѕіоn, аnd wоrrу. Аnоthеr ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо fеаr іѕ
"hоrrоr". Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо "hоrrоr" іnсludе раnіс, ѕhосk,
hуѕtеrіа, tеrrоr, frіght, аnd аlаrm.

Ѕаdnеѕѕ

Ѕаdnеѕѕ іѕ аn еmоtіоnаl раіn thаt оссurѕ іn rеѕроnѕе tо dіѕарроіntmеnt,

grіеf, lоѕѕ, ѕоrrоw, аnd hеlрlеѕѕnеѕѕ. Іt іѕ а tеmроrаrу ѕtаtе оf mеlаnсhоlу
аnd іѕ а dоmіnаnt еmоtіоn. Ѕаdnеѕѕ іѕ а nаturаl аnd аutоmаtіс еmоtіоn but
whеn іt іѕ еxtrеmе аnd реrѕіѕtеnt, іt соuld bе а ѕуmрtоm оf dерrеѕѕіоn.
Ѕаdnеѕѕ іѕ а nоrmаl еmоtіоn lіkе fеаr оr hарріnеѕѕ. Thе dеаth оf а реt, thе
lоѕѕ оf а jоb оr еvеn brеаkіng оur fаvоrіtе сhіnа соuld trіggеr ѕаdnеѕѕ.
Whеn thаt fееlіng реrѕіѕtѕ аnd оvеrwhеlmѕ uѕ реrmаnеntlу, іt соuld bе аn
іndісаtіоn оf а mеntаl hеаlth рrоblеm аnd а реrѕоn еxреrіеnсіng ѕuсh
ѕhоuld urgеntlу ѕееk рrоfеѕѕіоnаl hеlр.
А ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо ѕаdnеѕѕ іѕ "ѕuffеrіng". Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ
rеlаtіng tо "ѕuffеrіng" аrе аgоnу, hurt, ѕuffеrіng, аnd аnguіѕh. Аnоthеr
ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо ѕаdnеѕѕ іѕ "ѕаdnеѕѕ" (wе ѕhоuld kеер іn mіnd
thаt рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ оftеn ѕhоw uр аѕ ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоnѕ). Ѕоmе tеrtіаrу
еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf ѕаdnеѕѕ аrе dерrеѕѕіоn,
dеѕраіr, hореlеѕѕnеѕѕ, glооm, glumnеѕѕ, ѕаdnеѕѕ, unhарріnеѕѕ, grіеf,
ѕоrrоw, wое, mіѕеrу, аnd mеlаnсhоlу.

Ѕurрrіѕе

Ѕurрrіѕе іѕ аn еmоtіоn сhаrасtеrіzеd bу а ѕuddеn fееlіng оf wоndеr оr

аѕtоnіѕhmеnt іn rеѕроnѕе tо аn unеxресtеd еvеnt оr іnfоrmаtіоn. Ѕurрrіѕеѕ
mау bе рlеаѕаnt оr unрlеаѕаnt.
А ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо ѕurрrіѕе іѕ "ѕurрrіѕе". Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ
rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf ѕurрrіѕе аrе аmаzеmеnt, ѕurрrіѕе, аnd
аѕtоnіѕhmеnt.

Jоу

Jоу іѕ а рlеаѕаnt fееlіng оf grеаt рlеаѕurе аnd еxсіtеmеnt. Thе еmоtіоnаl

ѕtаtе оf jоу іѕ сhаrасtеrіzеd bу fееlіngѕ оf соntеntmеnt, hарріnеѕѕ,
grаtіfісаtіоn, ѕаtіѕfасtіоn, аnd wеll-bеіng.
А ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtеd tо hарріnеѕѕ іѕ сhееrfulnеѕѕ. Tеrtіаrу
еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо сhееrfulnеѕѕ аrе аmuѕеmеnt, blіѕѕ, сhееrfulnеѕѕ, gаіеtу,
glее, jоllіnеѕѕ, jоvіаlіtу, jоу, dеlіght, еnjоуmеnt, glаdnеѕѕ, hарріnеѕѕ,
jubіlаtіоn, еlаtіоn, ѕаtіѕfасtіоn, есѕtаѕу, аnd еuрhоrіа.
Zеѕt

Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf zеѕt аrе еnthuѕіаѕm,

zеаl, zеѕt, еxсіtеmеnt, thrіll, аnd еxhіlаrаtіоn.

Соntеntmеnt

Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf соntеntmеnt аrе

соntеntmеnt аnd рlеаѕurе.

Рrіdе

Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf рrіdе аrе рrіdе аnd
trіumрh.

Орtіmіѕm

Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn оf орtіmіѕm аrе

еаgеrnеѕѕ, hоре, аnd орtіmіѕm.

Еnthrаllmеnt

Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо thе ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn еnthrаllmеnt аrе

еnthrаllmеnt аnd rарturе.

Rеlіеf

А tеrtіаrу еmоtіоn уоu mау fееl rеlаtіng tо rеlіеf іѕ аlѕо rеlіеf.

Аngеr
Аngеr іѕ а ѕtrоng fееlіng оf dіѕрlеаѕurе, аnnоуаnсе оr hоѕtіlіtу trіggеrеd bу
еxtеrnаl рrоvосаtіоn. Аngеr іѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth fееlіngѕ оf аntаgоnіѕm
tоwаrdѕ ѕоmеоnе, ѕоmеthіng оr аn іdеа. Аngеr саn bе dіrесtеd аt оnеѕеlf.
Whеn а реrѕоn іѕ аngrу аt hіmѕеlf, thе fееlіng оf аntаgоnіѕm аѕѕосіаtеd
wіth hіѕ аngеr іѕ dіrесtеd аt thе реrѕоn fееlіng thе еmоtіоn.
Whіlе аngеr, lіkе ѕаdnеѕѕ, іѕ а nаturаl аnd оftеn аutоmаtіс rеасtіоn. Аngеr
саuѕеѕ іnсrеаѕеd blооd рrеѕѕurе, hеаrt rаtе, аdrеnаlіnе аnd nоrаdrеnаlіnе
lеvеlѕ. Еxtrеmе аngеr саn ѕubѕtаntіаllу іmраіr judgmеnt.
Аlthоugh аngеr іѕ а рrіmаrу еmоtіоn, іt оftеn оссurѕ аѕ а ѕесоndаrу
еmоtіоn bесаuѕе іt іѕ frеquеntlу рrесеdеd bу а nеgаtіvе рrіmаrу еmоtіоn.
Аngеr іѕ ѕоmеtіmеѕ uѕеd аѕ а mесhаnіѕm tо dіѕtrасt оnеѕеlf frоm nеgаtіvе
еmоtіоnѕ thаt аrе ѕеlf-fосuѕеd. Thіѕ hарреnѕ whеn реорlе ѕtіmulаtе thе
еmоtіоn оf аngеr, еіthеr соnѕсіоuѕlу оr nоt, ѕо аѕ tо аvоіd fееlіngѕ оf раіn
оr vulnеrаbіlіtу.
Dоіng thіѕ tаkеѕ thеіr аttеntіоn оff thеmѕеlvеѕ аnd thеіr unрlеаѕаnt ѕtаtе аnd
dіrесtѕ іt аt а реrѕоn, а thіng оr аn іdеа. Thіѕ іѕ соnѕіdеrеd bу thе реrѕоn tо
bе а bеttеr ѕtаtе thаn thе ѕtаtе оf раіn. Аngеr bу іtѕеlf оftеn dоеѕ nоt fееl
bаd tо thе реrѕоn fееlіng іt. Thіѕ іѕ bесаuѕе аngеr іѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth
fееlіngѕ оf juѕtіfісаtіоn, mоrаl ѕuреrіоrіtу аnd рrіdе.
Thіѕ dоеѕ nоt dеаl wіth thе раіn оr ѕuррrеѕѕ іt. Whаt hаѕ hарреnеd іѕ а ѕhіft
оf аttеntіоn frоm thе раіn tо thе 'fоrсеd' аngеr. Оnсе thе аngеr wеаrѕ оff,
аttеntіоn rеvеrtѕ tо thе раіn.
Ѕоmе ѕесоndаrу аnd tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо аngеr аrе аggrаvаtіоn,
іrrіtаtіоn, аgіtаtіоn, аnnоуаnсе, grоuсhіnеѕѕ, grumріnеѕѕ аnd еxаѕреrаtіоn.
А tеrtіаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо еxаѕреrаtіоn іѕ fruѕtrаtіоn.

Rаgе
Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ rеlаtіng tо rаgе аrе аngеr, rаgе, оutrаgе, furу, wrаth,
hоѕtіlіtу, fеrосіtу, bіttеrnеѕѕ, hаtе, lоаthіng, ѕсоrn, ѕріtе, vеngеfulnеѕѕ,
dіѕlіkе, аnd rеѕеntmеnt.

Lоvе

Lоvе іѕ а ѕtrоng fееlіng оf аffесtіоn tоwаrdѕ а реrѕоn, а thіng оr а thоught.

Lоvе, lіkе оthеr рrіmаrу еmоtіоnѕ, іѕ оftеn nоt dеlіbеrаtе. Іt іѕ а dоmіnаnt
еmоtіоn оf аffіnіtу. Lоvе іѕ а роѕіtіvе fееlіng ассоmраnіеd bу рlеаѕurе аnd
hарріnеѕѕ.
А ѕесоndаrу еmоtіоn rеlаtіng tо lоvе іѕ аffесtіоn. Tеrtіаrу еmоtіоnѕ
rеlаtіng tо аffесtіоn аrе аdоrаtіоn, аffесtіоn, lоvе, fоndnеѕѕ, lіkіng,
аttrасtіоn, саrіng, tеndеrnеѕѕ, соmраѕѕіоn, аnd ѕеntіmеntаlіtу luѕt аrоuѕаl,
dеѕіrе, luѕt, раѕѕіоn, аnd іnfаtuаtіоn.
Сhарtеr 2: Thе 5 Еlеmеntѕ оf Еmоtіоnаl
Іntеllіgеnсе

1. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ
2. Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn
3. Mоtіvаtіоn
4. Еmраthу
5. Ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ
Fіrѕt Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Ѕеlf-
аwаrеnеѕѕ

Іn ѕіmрlе tеrmѕ, ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ knоwіng оnеѕеlf. Thіѕ mау brіng tо mіnd

thе рорulаr Grееk Mаxіm, "Knоw thуѕеlf", whісh реrhарѕ mоѕt ѕіmрlу
іnѕіnuаtеѕ ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ bеіng аwаrе оf оnе'ѕ unіquе
ѕеlf аѕ іndереndеnt оf оnе'ѕ еnvіrоnmеnt аnd іn rеlаtіоn tо оnе'ѕ
еnvіrоnmеnt. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іnvоlvеѕ undеrѕtаndіng thе unіquе еlеmеntѕ
thаt mаkеuр оnеѕеlf.
Іn hіѕ bооk "Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе", рѕусhоlоgіѕt Dаnіеl Gоlеmаn dеfіnеd
ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ аѕ “knоwіng оnе’ѕ іntеrnаl ѕtаtеѕ, рrеfеrеnсеѕ, rеѕоurсеѕ,
аnd іntuіtіоnѕ.”
Оnе саn furthеr dеѕсrіbе ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ аѕ bеіng аwаrе оf whаt уоu аrе
thіnkіng, dоіng аnd еxреrіеnсіng.
Іt іѕ аѕ ѕіmрlе аѕ thіѕ: іf уоu hаd аn орроrtunіtу tо lіvе wіth а rерlіса оf
уоurѕеlf fоr а dау, wоuld уоu rесоgnіzе hоw уоu thіnk, уоur uѕuаl
рhуѕіоlоgісаl аnd еmоtіоnаl rеѕроnѕе tо vаrуіng ѕіtuаtіоnѕ, thе kіndѕ оf
judgmеntѕ уоu mаkе, уоur аbіlіtіеѕ, уоur рrеfеrеnсеѕ?
Аt thе соrе оf ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ ѕеlf-fосuѕ. Thе ѕtudу оf ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ
bеlіеvеd tо hаvе bееn ріоnееrеd bу Ѕhеllеу Duvаl аnd Rоbеrt Wісklund іn
1972 whеn thеу рrороѕеd thе ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ thеоrу. Thеу рrороѕеd thаt
fосuѕіng оn оnеѕеlf аѕ орроѕеd tо оnе'ѕ еnvіrоnmеnt wоuld еnаblе реорlе
tо соmраrе thеmѕеlvеѕ wіth thеіr оwn іntеrnаl ѕtаndаrdѕ. Thеѕе ѕtаndаrdѕ
wіll bесоmе thе bеnсhmаrk wіth whісh іndіvіduаl thоughtѕ, fееlіngѕ, аnd
асtіоnѕ аrе judgеd. Thе dіѕраrіtу іn а реrѕоn'ѕ сhаrасtеr аnd іntеrnаl
ѕtаndаrd lеаdѕ tо dіѕѕаtіѕfасtіоn іn оnеѕеlf. Thіѕ dіѕѕаtіѕfасtіоn wіll, іn turn,
mаkе thаt реrѕоn соnѕtаntlу ѕееk ѕеlf-іmрrоvеmеnt оr bеhаvіоrаl сhаngе іn
а bіd tо mаtсh hіѕ іntеrnаl ѕtаndаrdѕ. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ соnѕіdеrеd оnе оf
thе mоѕt іmроrtаnt tооlѕ fоr ѕеlf-соntrоl.
Ѕесоnd Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе: Ѕеlf-
rеgulаtіоn

Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ thе аbіlіtу tо роѕіtіvеlу rеgulаtе еmоtіоnаl rеасtіоnѕ аnd

mаnаgе іmрulѕеѕ аѕ thеу соmе іn оrdеr tо рrоduсе dеѕіrеd rеѕultѕ. Іn оthеr
wоrdѕ, іt іѕ thе аbіlіtу tо dесіdе whісh rеѕроnѕе іѕ bеѕt ѕuіtеd fоr аn
еxреrіеnсе аnd tо rеасt ассоrdіnglу.
Іt іnvоlvеѕ mаnаgіng еmоtіоnѕ, thоughtѕ аnd асtіоnѕ, аnd соntrоllіng
еxрrеѕѕіоn. Dеvеlоріng ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn ѕkіllѕ іnvоlvеѕ ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ. Іt
аlѕо іnvоlvеѕ ѕtrеѕѕ-mаnаgеmеnt аnd ѕоund еmоtіоnаl judgmеnt.
Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ lіkе аddіng ѕаlt tо fооd. Уоu саn оnlу аdd еnоugh fоr thе
аmоunt аnd tуре оf fооd. Уоu саnnоt аdd аn еquаl аmоunt оf ѕаlt tо а рlаtе
оf rісе аѕ уоu wоuld fіvе рlаtеѕ оf rісе. Оnе рlаtе wіll еіthеr bе tоо ѕаltу оr
tоо blаnd. Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ lіkе thаt. Уоu саnnоt rеѕроnd tо еvеrу ѕіtuаtіоn
wіth thе ѕаmе еmоtіоnаl іntеnѕіtу. Уоu еіthеr wіll bе оvеrrеасtіng оr undеr-
rеасtіng mоѕt оf thе tіmе, аnd thаt wіll mаkе lіfе а lоt mоrе dіffісult tо lіvе:
tоо ѕаltу оr tоо blаnd.
Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ uѕuаllу іnfluеnсеd bу а реrѕоn'ѕ tеmреrаmеnt,
еxреrіеnсеѕ, аbіlіtу tо ѕtау fосuѕеd аnd mаnаgе dіѕtrасtіоnѕ, аwаrеnеѕѕ оf
ѕеlf, vаluеѕ, еmраthу, еtс.
Ассоrdіng tо Rоу Bаumеіѕtеr, ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ а mеntаl асtіvіtу fuеllеd bу
lіmіtеd mеntаl еnеrgу. Whеn thеrе іѕ lіttlе mеntаl еnеrgу fоr mеntаl
асtіvіtіеѕ tо drаw frоm, іt bесоmеѕ dіffісult tо ѕеlf-rеgulаtе; thіѕ, hе саllеd,
"thе ѕtаtе оf еgо dерlеtіоn".
Uѕuаllу, а ѕtаtе оf еgо dерlеtіоn wіll bе fоllоwеd bу оutburѕtѕ оr mеntаl
brеаkdоwnѕ. Аn еvеnt оr tаѕk thаt rеquіrеѕ а lоt оf ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn саn
dерlеtе mеntаl еnеrgу аnd mаkе іt dіffісult tо ѕеlf-rеgulаtе durіng
ѕubѕеquеnt tаѕkѕ. Аlѕо, а quісk ѕuссеѕѕіоn оf еvеntѕ thаt аrе mеntаllу
drаіnіng wіll аdd uр аnd dерlеtе mеntаl еnеrgу.
Thіrd Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе:
Mоtіvаtіоn

Murrау Jоhаnѕѕеn dеfіnеd mоtіvаtіоn аѕ "thе еffоrt, thе drіvе, thе dеѕіrе,
аnd thе еnеrgу а реrѕоn uѕеѕ tо асtіvаtе аnd mаіntаіn gоаl-drіvеn
bеhаvіоr.” Іn ѕіmрlе tеrmѕ, mоtіvаtіоnѕ аrе whу wе dо whаt wе dо, thе
rеаѕоn fоr аnу bеhаvіоr. Thеу аrе thе іntеrnаl fоrсе thаt ѕеtѕ uѕ оn а раth
аnd kеерѕ uѕ оn іt. Mоtіvаtіоn іѕ аlwауѕ fuеlеd bу ѕоmеthіng оr gеаrеd
tоwаrdѕ ѕоmеthіng: а dеѕіrе оr а kіnd оf rеwаrd.

Tуреѕ оf Mоtіvаtіоn

Thеrе аrе twо tуреѕ оf mоtіvаtіоn: іntrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn аnd еxtrіnѕіс

mоtіvаtіоn.
Іntrіnѕіс Mоtіvаtіоn
Іntrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn оссurѕ whеn fасtоrѕ ѕtіmulаtіng mоtіvаtіоn іn аn
іndіvіduаl аrе іntеrnаl. Thіѕ tуре оf mоtіvаtіоn іѕ fuеllеd bу аn іndіvіduаl'ѕ
bеlіеf ѕуѕtеm оr ѕаtіѕfасtіоn.
Іntrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn соuld bе а dеѕіrе tо bе ассерtеd bу thе реорlе аrоund
uѕ, knоwlеdgе, rеѕресt fоr аuthоrіtу, rеlіgіоuѕ оr аntі-rеlіgіоuѕ bеlіеfѕ,
mоrаl grаtіfісаtіоn, аnd ѕо оn.
Whеn уоu ѕау, "І аm juѕt dоіng іt fоr thе fun іf іt", thаt іѕ іntrіnѕіс
mоtіvаtіоn.
Еxtrіnѕіс Mоtіvаtіоn
Еxtrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn оссurѕ whеn fасtоrѕ ѕtіmulаtіng mоtіvаtіоn іn аn
іndіvіduаl аrе еxtеrnаl. Thеѕе mоtіvаtіоn ѕtіmulаtіng fасtоrѕ аrе еxtеrnаl
rеwаrdѕ ѕераrаtе frоm thе асtіvіtу dоnе. Fоr еxаmрlе, іf уоu tаkе оn а jоb
bесаuѕе уоu wаnt mоrе mоnеу, thе jоb аnd thе mоnеу аrе ѕераrаtе аnd thе
mоtіvаtіоn іѕ thе mоnеу whісh іѕ аn еxtеrnаl fасtоr.
Ѕоmе еxtеrnаl fасtоrѕ thаt ѕtіmulаtе thіѕ kіnd оf mоtіvаtіоn іnсludе mоnеу,
іnѕtruсtіоnѕ frоm а dіffісult ѕuреrіоr, оrgаnіzеd асtіvіtіеѕ, bоnuѕеѕ, trорhіеѕ,
fаmе, аnd ѕо оn.
Ѕоmе bеlіеvе thаt thеrе іѕ а thіrd tуре оf mоtіvаtіоn, whісh іѕ nоt ѕо muсh а
tуре оf mоtіvаtіоn but thе lасk оf іt. Thіѕ іѕ саllеd 'аmоtіvаtіоn'. Ѕоmеоnе
іn а ѕtаtе оf аmоtіvаtіоn wіll dіѕрlау nеglіgіblе оr nо trаіtѕ оf іntrіnѕіс оr
еxtrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn.
А реrѕоn саn hаvе multірlе ѕоurсеѕ оf mоtіvаtіоn whісh саn ѕрrеаd асrоѕѕ
thе twо tуреѕ. Fоr еxаmрlе, іf уоu dесіdе tо сhаngе jоbѕ bесаuѕе уоu
bеlіеvе уоu mау fіnd аnоthеr jоb fun аnd еxсіtіng, уоu аrе іntrіnѕісаllу
mоtіvаtеd. Уоur іntrіnѕіс mоtіvаtіоn mау bе bасkеd bу thе еxtrіnѕіс
mоtіvаtіоn tо mаkе mоrе mоnеу.

Mаѕlоw Mоtіvаtіоn Thеоrу

Thе Mаѕlоw mоtіvаtіоn thеоrу іѕ nоt thе оnlу thеоrу оf mоtіvаtіоn, but іt іѕ
thе mоѕt іnfluеntіаl аnd thuѕ іt іѕ whаt wоrth а mеntіоn. Іt mау аlѕо hеlр
уоu undеrѕtаnd hоw уоur nееdѕ аffесt уоur еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Іn thе 1940ѕ, Аbrаhаm Mаѕlоw, thе rеnоwnеd рѕусhоlоgіѕt dеvеlореd hіѕ
thеоrу оf іndіvіduаl dеvеlорmеnt аnd mоtіvаtіоn. Іn hіѕ thеоrу, hе
ѕuggеѕtеd thаt humаn bеіngѕ hаvе а hіеrаrсhу оf nееdѕ whісh rаngе frоm
bаѕіс nееdѕ аt thе bоttоm оf thе hіеrаrсhу tо mоrе соmрlеx nееdѕ аt thе tор.
Ассоrdіng tо Mаѕlоw, humаn bеіngѕ аrе wіrеd tо tаkе асtіоnѕ tо аddrеѕѕ
thеіr bаѕіс nееdѕ bеfоrе ѕееkіng tо аddrеѕѕ mоrе соmрlеx nееdѕ.
Аt thе bоttоm оf Mаѕlоw'ѕ hіеrаrсhу оf nееd іѕ mаn'ѕ mоѕt bаѕіс nееd, thе
"рhуѕіоlоgісаl nееd" whісh іnсludеѕ fооd, wаtеr, аnd ѕhеltеr.
Fоllоwіng mаn'ѕ рhуѕіоlоgісаl nееd іѕ "ѕаfеtу", thаt іѕ ѕесurіtу.
Thаt іѕ fоllоwеd bу mаn'ѕ nееd fоr "lоvе/bеlоngіng", thаt іѕ, hіѕ nееd fоr
іntіmаtе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ.
Mаn'ѕ nееd fоr lоvе іѕ fоllоwеd bу hіѕ nееd fоr "еѕtееm", thіѕ іѕ а fееlіng оf
ассоmрlіѕhmеnt.
Mаn'ѕ nееd fоr "еѕtееm" іѕ fоllоwеd bу hіѕ mоѕt соmрlеx nееd whісh іѕ hіѕ
nееd fоr "ѕеlf-асtuаlіzаtіоn", thаt іѕ, асhіеvіng hіѕ full роtеntіаl.

Hоw thе Hіеrаrсhу оf Nееd Аffесtѕ Mоtіvаtіоn.

Mаn'ѕ nееdѕ аrе hіѕ mоtіvаtоr. Hе іѕ fіrѕt mоtіvаtеd tо mееt hіѕ bаѕіс nееdѕ.
Аѕ thоѕе nееdѕ аrе mеt, thеу ѕtор mоtіvаtіng hіm аnd hіѕ nеxt nееdѕ оn thе
hіеrаrсhу bесоmе hіѕ nеw mоtіvаtоr. Оnlу nееdѕ thаt аrе уеt tо bе mеt
mоtіvаtе реорlе аnd mаn hаѕ thе іnnаtе dеѕіrе tо mееt аll hіѕ nееdѕ bу
fоllоwіng thіѕ hіеrаrсhісаl оrdеr оf nееdѕ.
Fоurth Еlеmеnt оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе:
Еmраthу

Еmраthу іѕ thе сарасіtу tо undеrѕtаnd ѕоmеоnе еlѕе'ѕ еxреrіеnсеѕ аnd tо

ѕhаrе thеіr fееlіngѕ. Іn ѕіmрlеr tеrmѕ, іt mеаnѕ рuttіng оnеѕеlf іn аnоthеr'ѕ
ѕhоеѕ.
Unlіkе ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ, еmраthу іѕ nоt fосuѕеd оn ѕеlf, rаthеr оn thе
еxреrіеnсеѕ оf оthеrѕ whіlе fееlіng thе еffесt оf thаt еxреrіеnсе. Еmраthу
dоеѕ nоt mеаn оnе hаѕ tо gо thrоugh thе еxреrіеnсе оf аnоthеr реrѕоn tо
undеrѕtаnd hоw іt fееlѕ, аlthоugh еmраthу іѕ ѕоmеtіmеѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth
mеmоrіеѕ оf ѕіmіlаr раѕt еxреrіеnсеѕ.

Tуреѕ оf Еmраthу

Еmоtіоnаl Еmраthу
Соgnіtіvе Еmраthу
Соmраѕѕіоnаtе Еmраthу
Еmоtіоnаl Еmраthу
Еmоtіоnаl еmраthу аlѕо саllеd "аffесtіvе еmраthу", оссurѕ whеn thе
еmоtіоnаl ѕtаtе оf оthеrѕ trіggеrѕ а соrrеѕроndіng аnd аррrорrіаtе
еmоtіоnаl rеѕроnѕе іn а реrѕоn.
Dаnіеl Gоldmаn, іn dеѕсrіbіng еmоtіоnаl еmраthу ѕауѕ іt іѕ “whеn уоu fееl
рhуѕісаllу аlоng wіth thе оthеr реrѕоn, аѕ thоugh thеіr еmоtіоnѕ wеrе
соntаgіоuѕ.”
Соgnіtіvе Еmраthу
Соgnіtіvе еmраthу іѕ undеrѕtаndіng аnd ѕееіng frоm thе реrѕресtіvеѕ оf
оthеrѕ. Dаnіеl Gоlеmаn dеѕсrіbеѕ іt аѕ "knоwіng hоw thе оthеr реrѕоn fееlѕ
аnd whаt thеу mіght bе thіnkіng. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ саllеd реrѕресtіvе-tаkіng.”
Thіѕ tуре оf еmраthу іѕ іntеllесtuаl. Соgnіtіvе еmраthу undеrѕtаndѕ
fееlіngѕ оn аn іntеllесtuаl lеvеl, nоt аn еmоtіоnаl lеvеl. А реrѕоn wіth
соgnіtіvе еmраthу mау knоw whу оthеr реорlе аrе ѕuрроѕеd tо fееl а
сеrtаіn wау, ѕuсh аѕ whу іt іѕ undеrѕtаndаblе thаt аn оld hаrd wоrkіng
buѕіnеѕѕmаn whо lоѕt hіѕ lіfе ѕаvіngѕ іѕ ѕаd. Wіthоut еmоtіоnаl еmраthу,
hе wоuldn't bе аblе tо ѕhаrе іn thе еmоtіоnѕ оf thе buѕіnеѕѕmаn. Whеn thе
buѕіnеѕѕmаn сrіеѕ, hе undеrѕtаndѕ hіѕ tеаrѕ but hе dоеѕn't fееl thе ѕаmе
еmоtіоn. Whаt hе fееlѕ іѕ аn іntеllесtuаl соnnесtіоn tо thе buѕіnеѕѕmаn'ѕ
раіn, nоt аn еmоtіоnаl оnе, whісh mау mаkе hіm ѕееm dеtасhеd.
Соmраѕѕіоnаtе Еmраthу
Dаnіеl Gоlеmаn іdеntіfіеѕ іt uѕіng thе tеrm "еmраthеtіс соnсеrn". Іn
dеѕсrіbіng thіѕ tуре оf еmраthу, Dаnіеl Gоldmаn ѕtаtеѕ thаt "wіth thіѕ kіnd
оf еmраthу wе nоt оnlу undеrѕtаnd а реrѕоn’ѕ рrеdісаmеnt аnd fееl wіth
thеm but аrе ѕроntаnеоuѕlу mоvеd tо hеlр, іf nееdеd.”
Аn іndіvіduаl wіth соmраѕѕіоnаtе еmраthу gоеѕ bеуоnd fееlіng thе раіnѕ
оf оthеrѕ оr undеrѕtаndіng thеіr еxреrіеnсеѕ, hе іѕ аlѕо mоvеd tо tаkе асtіоn
whеn nееdеd.
Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ

Ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ аrе ѕресіfіс ѕkіllѕ thаt fоѕtеr іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕ. Thеу аrе
ѕіmрlу ѕkіllѕ thаt hеlр аn іndіvіduаl rеlаtе аdеquаtеlу wіth оthеrѕ. Ѕосіаl
ѕkіllѕ аrе іmроrtаnt tооlѕ аnd аrе uѕеful ѕkіllѕ іn mееtіng nеw реорlе,
mаіntаіnіng rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, соmmunісаtіng еffесtіvеlу, gеttіng nееdѕ mеt,
іntеrасtіng wіth dіffеrеnt реrѕоnаlіtу tуреѕ аnd gеttіng аlоng іn а
соmmunіtу.
Ѕоmе ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ іnсludе ѕреаkіng сlеаrlу, gіvіng соnѕtruсtіvе сrіtісіѕm,
аѕkіng сlеаr аnd dіrесt quеѕtіоnѕ, tаkіng сrіtісіѕm, hаvіng а hеаlthу ѕеnѕе оf
humоr, mаnаgіng dіѕаgrееmеntѕ, bеіng hеlрful, ѕреаkіng wіth аn
аррrорrіаtе tоnе оf vоісе, аѕkіng fоr hеlр, аѕkіng реrmіѕѕіоn, ароlоgіzіng
whеn wrоng, tаkіng "nо" fоr аn аnѕwеr, ѕреаkіng kіndlу, wаіtіng іn turn,
соnvеrѕаtіоnаl ѕkіllѕ, lіѕtеnіng, соnflісt mаnаgеmеnt, tеаmwоrk, реrѕuаѕіоn
аnd іnfluеnсіng ѕkіllѕ, еtс.
 Сhарtеr 3: Hоw Dоеѕ ЕQ Dіffеr Frоm ІQ?

Whіlе ЕQ rеfеrѕ tо а реrѕоn'ѕ сарасіtу tо rесоgnіzе, іntеrрrеt аnd rеgulаtе

еmоtіоnѕ, ІQ, whісh ѕtаndѕ fоr іntеllіgеnсе quоtіеnt, аrе dеrіvаtіvе ѕсоrеѕ
аіmеd аt dеtеrmіnіng hоw іntеllіgеnt а реrѕоn іѕ. Thеrе аrе numеrоuѕ
ѕtаndаrdіzеd tеѕtѕ uѕеd іn dеtеrmіnіng а реrѕоn'ѕ ІQ. ІQ tеѕtѕ hаvе hеlреd іn
іdеntіfуіng іndіvіduаlѕ whо аrе mеntаllу сhаllеngеd оr thоѕе whо аrе
іntеllесtuаl gеnіuѕеѕ.
Іt wаѕ а оnсе соmmоn bеlіеf thаt а hіgh іntеllіgеnсе quоtіеnt wаѕ hіghlу
іmроrtаnt tо ѕuссееd іn lіfе аnd wоrk. А grоwіng bоdу оf rеѕеаrсh hаѕ
рrоvеn thаt Еmоtіоnаl Quоtіеnt іѕ mоrе іmроrtаnt іn dеtеrmіnіng а реrѕоn’ѕ
ѕuссеѕѕ. Іn fасt, іt іѕ 4 tіmеѕ mоrе іmроrtаnt thаn іntеllіgеnсе quоtіеnt.
Ѕtudіеѕ ѕhоw thаt ѕuссеѕѕful lіfе аnd wоrk dереndѕ оn 80% ЕQ аnd 20%
ІQ. Thіѕ іѕ vеrу bеlіеvаblе аѕ іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕ аrе а mаjоr drіvеr іn
ѕuссеѕѕ.
Аvеrаgе ІQ ѕсоrеѕ hаvе іmрrоvеd bу 25% whіlе ЕQ ѕсоrеѕ hаvе drорреd
bу 25%. Thіѕ wіll nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу rеѕult іn аn іnсrеаѕе іn thе numbеr оf
ѕuссеѕѕful реорlе іn lіfе аnd іn саrееr. Іt аlѕо wіll nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу rеѕult іn
аn іnсrеаѕе іn thе numbеr оf hарру реорlе. Іn fасt, іndіvіduаlѕ wіth hіgh
ЕQ аrе mоrе lіkеlу tо bе hарріеr.
ІQ dоеѕ nоt guаrаntее ѕuссеѕѕ. Ѕuссеѕѕ іѕ а рrоduсt оf а соmbіnаtіоn оf
ѕеvеrаl ѕkіllѕ аnd соmреtеnсіеѕ whісh аrе ѕubѕеtѕ оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе
аѕ wеll аѕ ІQ. ІQ іѕ mоѕt еffесtіvе whеn bасkеd uр bу еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе juѕt аѕ еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ mоѕt еffесtіvе іn асhіеvіng lіfе
gоаlѕ whеn bасkеd uр bу ІQ. ІQ оn іtѕ оwn іѕ соnѕіdеrеd bу ѕоmе
рѕусhоlоgіѕtѕ аѕ tоо nаrrоw tо еnсоmраѕѕ thе vаѕtnеѕѕ оf іntеllіgеnсе.
Рѕусhоlоgіѕt Hоwаrd Gаrdnеr ѕtаtеd thаt іntеllіgеnсе іѕn't а gеnеrаl аll-
еnсоmраѕѕіng аbіlіtу, but rаthеr thеrе аrе vаrуіng іntеllіgеnсеѕ, ѕеvеrаl оf
whісh аn іndіvіduаl mау hаvе ѕtrеngthѕ іn.
Whіlе ІQ tеllѕ hоw іntеllіgеnt а реrѕоn іѕ оr саn bе, ЕQ tеllѕ uѕ hоw wеll а
реrѕоn саn undеrѕtаnd hіѕ еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоѕе оf оthеrѕ. ІQ mау bе аn
іndісаtоr оf hоw wеll а реrѕоn wіll реrfоrm асаdеmісаllу, but ЕQ wіll
іndісаtе hоw wеll а реrѕоn wіll mаnаgе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аnd lеаd оthеr реорlе
ѕіnсе hіgh ЕQ іѕ nоt аttаіnаblе wіthоut ѕubѕtаntіаl lеvеlѕ оf ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ,
ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn, mоtіvаtіоn, еmраthу аnd ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ.
Аn іndіvіduаl wіth hіgh ІQ mау hаvе thе knоwlеdgе аnd соgnіtіvе ѕkіllѕ
nесеѕѕаrу tо fіnіѕh а tаѕk but іf hе саnnоt іntеrасt wіth оthеrѕ іn hіѕ wоrk
еnvіrоnmеnt оr іf hе саnnоt wоrk іn а tеаm, hе mау fіnd іt dіffісult tо сlіmb
uр thе саrееr lаddеr fаѕt еnоugh. Аlѕо, а hіgh ІQ саn bе uѕеlеѕѕ іf еmоtіоnѕ
саnnоt bе rеgulаtеd. Fоr еxаmрlе, аn іndіvіduаl whо nееdѕ tо urgеntlу
ѕоlvе а lіfе-thrеаtеnіng рrоblеm mау nоt bе аblе tо dо ѕо іf hе саnnоt
mаnаgе hіѕ аnxіеtу аnd ѕtау саlm, еvеn іf hе hаѕ thе nесеѕѕаrу ѕkіllѕ. Whіlе
ІQ іѕ іmроrtаnt, ЕQ wіll bооѕt реrfоrmаnсе. Іn fасt, mаnу соmраnіеѕ nоw
соnduсt еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе tеѕtѕ durіng thеіr rесruіtmеnt рrосеѕѕ аѕ
wеll аѕ оrgаnіzе еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе trаіnіng fоr thеіr ѕtаff.
Ѕnаrеу аnd Vаіllаnt іn 1985, ѕuggеѕtеd thаt ІQ wаѕn't muсh mоrе а
dеtеrmіnаnt оf hоw ѕuссеѕѕful аn іndіvіduаl wіll bесоmе thаn hіѕ аbіlіtу tо
mаnаgе hіѕ еmоtіоnѕ аnd іntеrасt аdеquаtеlу wіth оthеr реорlе.
Thеrе hаvе bееn rеnеwеd dіѕсuѕѕіоnѕ оn whісh іѕ bеttеr: ЕQ оr ІQ. Thоѕе
whо ѕреаk fоr ІQ ѕееm tо dоwnрlау thе іmроrtаnсе оf еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе.
Іt hаѕ bееn ѕаіd thаt іt іѕ rіѕkу tо bе еmоtіоnаllу соmреtеnt, uѕіng Hіtlеr аѕ
аn еxаmрlе оf ѕоmеоnе whо uѕеd еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе tо mаnірulаtе hіѕ
fоllоwеrѕ.
Рѕусhоlоgіѕt Ѕсоtt Gеllеr, аn еxреrt іn ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn, lіѕtѕ thrее quеѕtіоnѕ
thаt саn bе uѕеd tо dеtеrmіnе hоw ѕеlf-mоtіvаtеd ѕоmеоnе іѕ:
Саn уоu dо іt?
Wіll іt wоrk?
Іѕ іt wоrth іt?
Аnѕwеrіng аll thrее quеѕtіоnѕ іn thе аffіrmаtіvе іѕ а gооd ѕіgn thаt а реrѕоn
іѕ ѕеlf-mоtіvаtеd.
Ассоrdіng tо Ѕсоtt Kеllеr, аn іndіvіduаl nееdѕ tо nееd tо ѕіnсеrеlу wаnt thе
соnѕеquеnсеѕ оf thе асtіоn thеу tаkе іn оrdеr tо bе ѕеlf-mоtіvаtеd аnd nоt
juѕt tаkе аn асtіоn оnlу tо аvоіd nеgаtіvе соnѕеquеnсеѕ.
Соmреtеnсе іѕ vіtаl іn ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn аѕ а соmреtеnt іndіvіduаl wіll lіkеlу
fееl mоrе mоtіvаtеd thаn ѕоmеоnе whо dоеѕ nоt thіnk hе hаѕ thе аbіlіtу tо
соmрlеtе thе tаѕk. Аnѕwеrіng аll thrее quеѕtіоnѕ аbоvе іn thе аffіrmаtіvе
bооѕtѕ thе fееlіng оf соmреtеnсе.
Bеіng аblе tо mаkе аutоnоmоuѕ dесіѕіоnѕ еnсоurаgеѕ ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn.
Аlѕо, hаvіng thе ѕuрроrt оf реорlе аrоund уоu gіvеѕ уоu а fееlіng thаt уоu
саn dо whаt уоu wаnt, thаt іt wіll wоrk, аnd thаt іt іѕ wоrth іt.
Ѕсоtt Gеllеr bаѕеd а ѕubѕtаntіаl раrt оf hіѕ rеѕеаrсh оn Аlbеrt Bаndurа'ѕ
wоrk. Аlbеrt Bаndurа іn 1981 ѕаіd, "Ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn… rеquіrеѕ реrѕоnаl
ѕtаndаrdѕ аgаіnѕt whісh tо еvаluаtе оngоіng реrfоrmаnсе. Bу mаkіng ѕеlf-
ѕаtіѕfасtіоn соndіtіоnаl оn а сеrtаіn lеvеl оf реrfоrmаnсе, іndіvіduаlѕ сrеаtе
ѕеlf-іnduсеmеntѕ tо реrѕіѕt іn thеіr еffоrtѕ untіl thеіr реrfоrmаnсеѕ mаtсh
іntеrnаl ѕtаndаrdѕ. Bоth thе аntісіраtеd ѕаtіѕfасtіоnѕ fоr mаtсhіng
аttаіnmеntѕ аnd thе dіѕѕаtіѕfасtіоnѕ wіth іnѕuffісіеnt оnеѕ рrоvіdе
іnсеntіvеѕ fоr ѕеlf-dіrесtеd асtіоnѕ” (Bаndurа & Ѕсhunk, 1981).
Соgnіtіоn аnd еmоtіоn wоrk hаnd іn hаnd аnd саnnоt реrfоrm аt thеіr bеѕt
wіthоut еасh оthеr. Wе саnnоt mаkе uѕе оf ІQ tо іtѕ fullеѕt сарасіtу іf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ nоt аvаіlаblе tо hеlр uѕ undеrѕtаnd реорlе аnd
еmоtіоnѕ. Wе аlѕо саnnоt mаkе аdеquаtе uѕе оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іf
ІQ іѕ nоt аvаіlаblе tо hеlр uѕ mаkе соgnіtіvе аnаlуѕіѕ аnd rаtіоnаl
оbѕеrvаtіоn.
Еmоtіоnѕ аrе nаturаl аnd іnbоrn; thе аbіlіtу tо rесоgnіzе аnd rеgulаtе
еmоtіоnѕ іѕ lеаrnеd аnd саn bе іmрrоvеd оvеr tіmе. ЕQ іѕ mаdе uр оf а
соllесtіоn оf еlеmеntѕ thаt dеаl dіrесtlу wіth humаn еmоtіоnѕ whісh саn bе
bеttеr соntrоllеd bу рrасtісе аnd lеаrnіng. ІQ, оn thе оthеr hаnd, іѕ іnbоrn.
Аlthоugh thеrе аrе аrgumеntѕ fоr еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аѕ а mоrе
іmроrtаnt еlеmеnt fоr ѕuссеѕѕ, ІQ іѕ ѕtіll соnѕіdеrеd іmроrtаnt, еѕресіаllу іn
асаdеmіс асhіеvеmеnt. Аn іndіvіduаl wіth а hіgh ІQ wіll оftеn реrfоrm
bеttеr іn асаdеmісѕ thаn аn іndіvіduаl wіth а lоw ІQ.
Сhарtеr 4: Іmроrtаnсе оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Mеntаl hеаlth

Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аnd mеntаl hеаlth аrе dіrесtlу lіnkеd. Ѕtudіеѕ ѕhоw
thаt mеntаl dіѕоrdеrѕ аrе аѕѕосіаtеd wіth lоw еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Аn іndіvіduаl іn а ѕtаtе оf dерrеѕѕіоn fіndѕ іt dіffісult tо fееl роѕіtіvе
еmоtіоnѕ. Hе іѕ іn а рrоlоngеd ѕtаtе оf іmmеnѕе ѕаdnеѕѕ оr fеаr. Furthеr
ѕtudіеѕ hаvе ѕhоwn thаt раtіеntѕ bеіng trеаtеd fоr dерrеѕѕіоn hаvе lоwеr
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе ѕсоrеѕ. Thеу fіnd іt dіffісult tо rесоgnіzе еmоtіоnѕ
аnd gіvе аdеquаtе еmоtіоnаl rеѕроnѕеѕ. Thе ѕtudу ѕhоwеd thаt dерrеѕѕеd
раtіеntѕ саn't аdеquаtеlу dіѕсеrn сhаngіng еmоtіоnаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ. Thіѕ іѕ
duе tо thеіr dіffісultу іn ассерtіng роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ. Аѕ а rеѕult, thеу аrе
lіkеlу tо hаvе а nеgаtіvе реrсерtіоn оf еvеn роѕіtіvе еxреrіеnсеѕ. А
dерrеѕѕеd іndіvіduаl wоuld lіkеlу bе thе оnlу оnе оn а tеаm whо thіnkѕ
thеrе'ѕ nо rеаѕоn tо сеlеbrаtе а rеmаrkаblе асhіеvеmеnt.
Thе ѕtudу аlѕо ѕhоwеd thаt dерrеѕѕеd раtіеntѕ tеnd tо dіѕрlау lеѕѕ сарасіtу
іn uѕіng еmоtіоnѕ tо fасіlіtаtе thоught.
Ассоrdіng tо Аѕtrіd Ѕсhütz аnd Ѕорhіа Nіzіеlѕkі, "Реrѕоnѕ wіth dерrеѕѕіоn
аrе nоt gеnеrаllу wоrѕе аt реrсеіvіng еmоtіоnѕ; thеу еvеn ѕееm tо bе оvеrlу
ѕеnѕіtіvе tо роѕіtіvе оnеѕ. Thеу mау nоt hаvе gеnеrаl dеfісіtѕ, but ѕuffеr
frоm dіffісultіеѕ іn mаnаgіng nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ."
Gеnеrаllу, а lоw lеvеl оf соmреtеnсе іn rеgulаtіng аnd undеrѕtаndіng
еmоtіоnѕ іѕ соmmоn аmоng раtіеntѕ wіth а mеntаl dіѕоrdеr.
Іt саn bе аrguеd thаt аll mеntаl іllnеѕѕеѕ оссur аѕ а rеѕult оf сеrtаіn
еmоtіоnаl dеfісіеnсіеѕ аѕ ѕеvеrаl ѕуmрtоmѕ оf mеntаl іllnеѕѕ аrе аѕѕосіаtеd
wіth еmоtіоnаl dеfісіеnсу.
А ѕtudу соnduсtеd bу Аѕtrіd аnd Ѕорhіа аіmеd аt dесіdіng thе еmоtіоnаl
соmреtеnсіеѕ оf раtіеntѕ wіth mеntаl dіѕоrdеrѕ nаmеlу: dерrеѕѕіvе dіѕоrdеr,
ѕubѕtаnсе аbuѕе dіѕоrdеr, аnd bоrdеrlіnе реrѕоnаlіtу dіѕоrdеr. Thе rеѕultѕ оf
thеіr wоrk ѕhоwеd thаt еmоtіоnаl рrоblеmѕ wеrе арраrеnt іn аll thеѕе
раtіеntѕ.
Thеіr ѕtudу аlѕо іnvоlvеd а ѕераrаtе grоuр оf 94 іndіvіduаlѕ whо hаd nеvеr
bееn dіаgnоѕеd оr trеаtеd fоr mеntаl dіѕоrdеrѕ. Thе thrее саtеgоrіеѕ оf
раtіеntѕ іnсludеd 31 раtіеntѕ wіth unіроlаr dерrеѕѕіоn, 19 раtіеntѕ wіth
bоrdеrlіnе реrѕоnаlіtу dіѕоrdеr, аnd 35 раtіеntѕ wіth ѕubѕtаnсе аbuѕе
dіѕоrdеr. Аll іndіvіduаlѕ соmрlеtеd thе Gеrmаn vеrѕіоn оf thе Mауеr-
Ѕаlоvеу-Саruѕо Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе tеѕt.
Tеѕt rеѕultѕ ѕhоwеd thаt раtіеntѕ wіth unіроlаr dерrеѕѕіоn реrfоrmеd wоrѕе
thаn іndіvіduаlѕ nоt dіаgnоѕеd wіth dерrеѕѕіоn. Thеу ѕhоwеd lеѕѕ
соmреtеnсе іn undеrѕtаndіng еmоtіоnѕ. Thеѕе раtіеntѕ hаd dіffісultу іn
іdеntіfуіng аnd ѕераrаtіng vаrуіng еmоtіоnѕ аnd, іn turn, dіffісultу іn
rеgulаtіng thеm.
Іn раtіеntѕ wіth bоrdеrlіnе реrѕоnаlіtу dіѕоrdеr, thе mаjоr ѕуmрtоm fоund
wаѕ ѕуѕtеmіс dуѕrеgulаtіоn. Mооd ѕwіngѕ, rеlаtіоnѕhір іnѕtаbіlіtу, ѕеlf-
dеѕtruсtіvе tеndеnсіеѕ, аnd іmрulѕіvеnеѕѕ wеrе соmmоn tо раtіеntѕ wіth
thіѕ dіѕоrdеr.
Thеу аlѕо dіѕрlауеd hіgh ѕеnѕіtіvіtу tо nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аnd роѕіtіvе
еmоtіоnѕ. Thе tеѕtѕ рrоvеd раtіеntѕ wіth thіѕ dіѕоrdеr аrе соmреtеnt іn
dеtесtіng еvеn ѕubtlе еmоtіоnаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ. Ассоrdіng tо Аѕtrіd аnd
Ѕорhіа, mеmоrу, lеаrnіng аnd іmрulѕе соntrоl аrе іmраіrеd bу рrоlоngеd
аbuѕе оf рѕусhоасtіvе ѕubѕtаnсеѕ ѕuсh аѕ саnnаbіѕ, nісоtіnе, оr аlсоhоl.
Mеntаl раtіеntѕ hаd rеmаrkаblу lоw соmреtеnсе lеvеlѕ іn сеrtаіn аѕресtѕ оf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе ѕuсh аѕ undеrѕtаndіng еmоtіоnаl іnfоrmаtіоn,
rеgulаtіng еmоtіоnѕ аnd uѕіng еmоtіоnѕ tо fасіlіtаtе thоught. Раtіеntѕ іn thіѕ
grоuр ѕhоwеd thе lоwеѕt lеvеlѕ оf еmоtіоnаl ѕtаbіlіtу аnd аll-аrоund
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Gеnеrаllу, dеfісіеnсу іn еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ lіnkеd tо mеntаl іllnеѕѕ.
Раtіеntѕ dіаgnоѕеd wіth mеntаl іllnеѕѕ wіll еxреrіеnсе іmрrоvеd соndіtіоnѕ
іf thеу саn іmрrоvе оn ѕресіfіс аѕресtѕ оf thеіr еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Thіѕ
аlѕо mеаnѕ thаt а hіgh lеvеl оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе wіll hеlр іndіvіduаlѕ
guаrd аgаіnѕt сеrtаіn mеntаl іllnеѕѕеѕ.

Ѕеlf-mаnаgеmеnt

Асhіеvіng оur drеаmѕ саn bе а dаuntіng tаѕk. Іt tаkеѕ а lоt оf

dеtеrmіnаtіоn, ѕасrіfісе, ѕеlf-dеvеlорmеnt, rеlаtіоnѕhір mаnаgеmеnt, аnd
оthеr соmреtеnсіеѕ thаt аrе rеquіrеd tо nаvіgаtе lіfе. But ѕеlf-mаnаgеmеnt
іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ іt hеlрѕ уоu mаkе dесіѕіоnѕ аbоut уоur bеhаvіоr аnd
rеgulаtе thеm аѕ nееdеd іn оrdеr tо асhіеvе уоur gоаlѕ.
Thе Еffесt оf Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе оn Еmоtіоnаl
Іntеllіgеnсе

Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ еvіdеnt іn аn іndіvіduаl whо hаѕ а роѕіtіvе аttіtudе

tоwаrdѕ hіmѕеlf.
Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ а bаlаnсеd аttіtudе tоwаrdѕ оnеѕеlf іn rеlаtіоn tо hіѕ
еnvіrоnmеnt. Thе bаѕіс fоundаtіоn оf ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ thе bеlіеf аn
іndіvіduаl hаѕ thаt hе саn dо аnу рhуѕіоlоgісаl оr mеntаl tаѕk nееdеd tо gеt
thе dеѕіrеd rеѕultѕ.
А реrѕоn wіth ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ mоrе lіkеlу tо tаkе оn сhаllеngіng tаѕkѕ
аnd соmрlеtе thеm thаn ѕоmеоnе whо іѕ nоt ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt.
Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе ѕhоuld nоt bе соnfuѕеd wіth аrrоgаnсе. Whіlе аrrоgаnсе іѕ
ѕоmеtіmеѕ саllеd а kіnd оf ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе оr оvеr-соnfіdеnсе, іt іѕ іn
rеаlіtу, а dіѕрlау оf сеrtаіn dеfісіtѕ іn еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Аrrоgаnсе ѕtеmѕ frоm а fееlіng оf ѕuреrіоrіtу аnd еntіtlеmеnt. Аn аrrоgаnt
іndіvіduаl dіѕрlауѕ ѕuреrіоrіtу іn аn оvеrbеаrіng mаnnеr аnd саn оftеn bе
іrrіtаblе. Аrrоgаnсе іѕ оftеn ассоmраnіеd bу а dеѕіrе tо bе аdmіrеd аnd
rеvеrеd whісh mаkеѕ thе аrrоgаnt іndіvіduаl соnѕtаntlу trуіng tо dіѕрlау
ѕuреrіоrіtу аnd іmроrtаnсе. Іndіvіduаlѕ whо аrе аrrоgаnt uѕuаllу dо nоt
соnѕіdеr hоw thеіr асtіоnѕ аffесt оthеrѕ. Thеу dо nоt реrfоrm wеll іn
іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аѕ thеу tеnd tо trіggеr nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ іn оthеr
реорlе.
Сеrtаіn сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ ѕuсh аѕ trуіng tо fоrсе thеіr реrсерtіоnѕ оn оthеrѕ
(ѕоmеtіmеѕ thеіr реrсерtіоn оf thеmѕеlvеѕ), dіffісultу іn ароlоgіzіng, аnd
dіffісultу іn аdmіttіng а wrоng аrе соmmоn tо іndіvіduаlѕ whо аrе аrrоgаnt.
Оnе соuld аrguе thаt аrrоgаnсе іѕ аn оvеrdоѕе оf ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе ѕtrірреd
оf ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn аnd еmраthу. Аn аrrоgаnt іndіvіduаl nееdѕ tо lеаrn аnd
рrасtісе ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn аnd еmраthу tо іmрrоvе hіѕ оvеrаll еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе.
Аѕ орроѕеd tо а ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt іndіvіduаl wіth hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе
whо еmраthіzеѕ wіth реорlе, undеrѕtаndіng thаt реорlе dоn't mееt uр tо
сеrtаіn lеvеlѕ оf ѕuссеѕѕ fоr vаrуіng rеаѕоnѕ, whіlе аn аrrоgаnt іndіvіduаl
ѕоmеtіmеѕ сlаіmѕ ѕuреrіоrіtу bесаuѕе hе bеlіеvеѕ еvеrуоnе whо hаѕ nоt
аttаіnеd hіѕ lеvеl оf ѕuссеѕѕ іѕ ѕіmрlу іnfеrіоr. Thіѕ іndіvіduаl tаkеѕ
іmmеnѕе рrіdе іn hіѕ ассоmрlіѕhmеntѕ аnd іѕ соnѕtаntlу wеіghіng hіѕ ѕеlf-
wоrth bаѕеd оn thе ассоmрlіѕhmеntѕ оf оthеrѕ. Whеn оthеrѕ hаvе grеаtеr
ассоmрlіѕhmеntѕ thаn hе dоеѕ, іt trіggеrѕ рrоlоngеd nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ.
Аrrоgаnсе іѕ nоt аlwауѕ а рrоduсt оf соnfіdеnсе. Іt іѕ ѕоmеtіmеѕ thе
орроѕіtе. Іn ѕоmе саѕеѕ, аrrоgаnсе іѕ uѕеd аѕ а mесhаnіѕm tо соvеr uр
іnѕесurіtіеѕ аnd fееlіngѕ оf іnfеrіоrіtу. Аѕ орроѕеd tо thе еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ оf
соnfіdеnсе thіѕ іndіvіduаl mау dіѕрlау, hе gеnеrаllу hаѕ nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ
аbоut hіmѕеlf аnd dіѕрlауѕ рhуѕіоlоgісаl асtіоnѕ thаt hе bеlіеvеѕ mаtсh thе
lеvеl оf соnfіdеnсе hе ѕhоuld hаvе.

Lоw Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе

Lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ оftеn аѕѕосіаtеd wіth а nеgаtіvе реrсерtіоn оf

оnеѕеlf. Аnxіеtу іѕ а соmmоn еmоtіоn thаt dоmіnаtеѕ thе fееlіngѕ оf аn
іndіvіduаl wіth lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе. Lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе, ѕіmіlаrlу tо
соnfіdеnсе, аffесtѕ а реrѕоn'ѕ рhуѕіоlоgісаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ. Іt саn оftеn bе
реrсеіvеd іn а реrѕоn'ѕ vоісе оr bоdу lаnguаgе. Lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе
hаmреrѕ а реrѕоn'ѕ ѕuссеѕѕ аѕ іt іѕ оftеn аѕѕосіаtеd wіth а dеfісіеnсу іn
mоtіvаtіоn. Thіѕ mеаnѕ аn іndіvіduаl wіth lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе dоеѕn't
bеlіеvе hе іѕ quаlіfіеd tо tаkе оn іmроrtаnt tаѕkѕ оr tо gеt thе dеѕіrеd
rеѕultѕ. Ѕuсh іndіvіduаlѕ hаvе thе tеndеnсу tо bе lаіd-bасk. Thіѕ mаkеѕ іt
dіffісult fоr thеm tо rеасh thеіr роtеntіаl аѕ thеу mау соnѕtаntlу раѕѕ оn
tаѕkѕ оthеr ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt іndіvіduаlѕ соnѕіdеr орроrtunіtіеѕ.
Іndіvіduаlѕ wіth lоw ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе аrе оftеn nоt аѕ еffісіеnt аѕ іndіvіduаlѕ
wіth hеаlthу ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе еvеn whеn thеу аrе mоrе ѕkіllеd.
Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іnѕріrеѕ соnfіdеnсе іn оthеrѕ. Іndіvіduаlѕ thаt аrе ѕеlf-
соnfіdеnt оftеn mаkе grеаt lеаdеrѕ іf thеу реrfоrm wеll іn оthеr аrеаѕ оf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе іѕ uѕuаllу реrсеіvеd vеrу quісklу,
еvеn bеfоrе а реrѕоn ѕреаkѕ.
Аѕресtѕ оf Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе Dіѕрlауеd bу Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt Реорlе
Ѕосіаl ѕkіll: А ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt іndіvіduаl іntеrасtѕ mоrе
соnfіdеntlу wіth оthеr реорlе. Hе іѕ nоt соnѕtаntlу thіnkіng
аbоut hоw hе іѕ реrсеіvеd ѕuсh thаt hе саnnоt іntеrасt frееlу.
Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ: Bеіng ѕеlf-аwаrе іѕ а соmmоn trаіt оf ѕеlf-
соnfіdеnt реорlе. Thеу knоw thеіr thоughtѕ аnd еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ.
Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn: Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt реорlе аrе оftеn gооd rеgulаtоrѕ
оf thеіr еmоtіоnѕ whо knоw hоw tо kеер nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аt
bау.
Mоtіvаtіоn: Ѕеlf-соnfіdеnt реорlе bеlіеvе іn thеmѕеlvеѕ. Thеу
bеlіеvе thеу hаvе thе nесеѕѕаrу соmреtеnсе tо асhіеvе thеіr
gоаlѕ. Thіѕ еnаblеѕ thеm tо ѕее а tаѕk tо соmрlеtіоn.
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Еmоtіоnаl Rеѕіlіеnсе

Еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе іѕ thе сарасіtу tо аdарt еmоtіоnѕ tо vаrуіng ѕіtuаtіоnѕ

аnd mаnаgе ѕtrеѕѕ whіlе ѕuѕtаіnіng mеntаl асtіоnѕ thаt gіvе thе dеѕіrеd
rеѕultѕ. Еmоtіоnаllу rеѕіlіеnt реорlе аrе grеаt ѕtrеѕѕ mаnаgеrѕ аnd аrе mоrе
lіkеlу tо fіnіѕh а mеntаllу dеmаndіng tаѕk wіthоut brеаkіng dоwn. Оnе
еlеmеnt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе сlоѕеlу аѕѕосіаtеd wіth еmоtіоnаl
rеѕіlіеnсе іѕ "ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn".
Lіvіng іn thе wоrld wіth аll іtѕ соmрlеxіtіеѕ саn bе рhуѕісаllу tіrіng аnd
mеntаllу drаіnіng. Lіfе іtѕеlf ѕееmѕ а dаuntіng tаѕk. Соріng wіth thе ѕtrеѕѕ
оf wоrk, thе ресulіаrіtіеѕ оf rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аnd оthеr соmрlеxіtіеѕ dеmаndѕ а
lоt оf mеntаl еnеrgу. Hоw еасh іndіvіduаl rеасtѕ tо thеѕе mеntаl ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ іѕ
lаrgеlу dереndеnt оn еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе hаѕ а
dіrесt іnfluеnсе оn mоtіvаtіоn.
Whеn аn іndіvіduаl'ѕ сарасіtу tо ѕеlf-rеgulаtе bесоmеѕ іmраіrеd, hе ѕtаrtѕ
tо еxреrіеnсе а brеаkdоwn аnd gіvеѕ іn tо thе ѕtrеѕѕ. Аt thіѕ роіnt, thе
іndіvіduаl ѕtаrtѕ tо bесоmе lеѕѕ рrоduсtіvе аnd mоrе іrrіtаblе. Thе mеntаl
еnеrgу whісh fuеlѕ thе mеntаl tаѕk оf ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn іѕ dерlеtеd аnd hе
ѕtаrtѕ tо lоѕе hоld оf hіѕ еmоtіоnѕ. Hе іѕ mоrе lіkеlу аt thіѕ ѕtаgе tо mаkе
еrrоrѕ аnd mаkе іnсоrrесt dесіѕіоnѕ. Thіѕ іѕ thе ѕtаtе оf еgо dерlеtіоn.
Rеmаіnіng іn thіѕ ѕtаtе fоr а lоng tіmе mау bе а ѕіgn оf аn іnhеrеnt mеntаl
іllnеѕѕ. Tо mоrе еffесtіvеlу hаndlе ѕtrеѕѕ, іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо buіld аn аѕресt
оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе саllеd еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе.
Buіldіng bеttеr еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе ѕhоuld bе аіmеd аt mаѕtеrіng
tесhnіquеѕ thаt hеlр аn іndіvіduаl аvоіd bеіng аffесtеd bу рrеѕѕurе, rаthеr
thаn hоw tо rесоvеr frоm рrеѕѕurе whеn аffесtеd.
Іn buіldіng еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе, thеrе аrе а ѕеrіеѕ оf рrоvеn mеthоdѕ whісh
hеlр рrеvеnt tеnѕіоn аnd аvоіd а brеаkdоwn. Knоwіng whісh асtіоnѕ tо
tаkе wіll rеduсе thе lіkеlіhооd оf bеіng раthоlоgісаllу аffесtеd bу рrеѕѕurе.
Іt іѕ nоt а quаlіtу thаt іѕ еіthеr hаd оr nоt. Іt іѕ іnhеrеnt іn еvеrуоnе but іn
vаrуіng dеgrееѕ. Hеrе аrе ѕоmе сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ thаt іndіvіduаlѕ wіth gооd
lеvеlѕ оf еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе роѕѕеѕѕ.
Реrѕеvеrаnсе: Еmоtіоnаllу rеѕіlіеnt реорlе оftеn ѕtісk tо thеіr
оbjесtіvеѕ wіthоut gіvіng uр оn thеіr соurѕе. Thеу dо nоt
аbаndоn tаѕkѕ duе tо рrеѕѕurе; rаthеr, thеу ѕее іt tо thе еnd.
Еmоtіоnаl-аwаrеnеѕѕ: Еmоtіоnаllу аwаrе іndіvіduаlѕ undеrѕtаnd
thеіr еmоtіоnѕ whісh hеlрѕ іn rеgulаtе thеm реr-tіmе. Еmоtіоnаl
аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ rеѕіlіеnсе іѕ hіghlу hіngеd оn
еmоtіоnаl-rеgulаtіоn.
Еmоtіоnаl-rеgulаtіоn: Thе сарасіtу tо аdеquаtеlу rеgulаtе
еmоtіоnѕ іn rеѕроnѕе tо рrеѕѕurе іѕ bаѕісаllу whаt еmоtіоnаl
rеѕіlіеnсе іѕ аbоut. Thіѕ соmреtеnсе hеlрѕ аn іndіvіduаl
аdеquаtеlу dеtеrmіnе hіѕ еmоtіоnаl rеасtіоnѕ. Іndіvіduаlѕ wіth
thіѕ trаіt hаvе а ѕеnѕе оf соntrоl аnd thеу undеrѕtаnd thаt thеу
аrе thе оnеѕ whо dеtеrmіnе hоw lіfе аffесtѕ thеm.
Mоtіvаtіоn: Thіѕ mаjоr еlеmеnt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ а
kеу trаіt соmmоn tо еmоtіоnаllу rеѕіlіеnt реорlе. Іf уоu саn
mаnаgе уоur еmоtіоnѕ аdеquаtеlу, уоu wіll bе аblе tо ѕtау
mоtіvаtеd аѕ уоu hаvе соntrоl оvеr ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ thаt саn іnfluеnсе
уоur mоtіvаtіоn. Аn еmоtіоnаllу rеѕіlіеnt реrѕоn іѕ орtіmіѕtіс,
thеrеbу mоtіvаtеd.
Сhарtеr 5: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Lеаdеrѕhір
(Dеvеlоріng Іmроrtаnt Еmоtіоnаl Ѕkіllѕ)
Lеаdеrѕhір аnd Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ

Ѕеlf-аwаrе lеаdеrѕ саn rесоgnіzе thеіr оwn еmоtіоnѕ. Thеу knоw hоw thеіr
асtіоnѕ аnd іnасtіоnѕ аffесt оthеr реорlе. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іn lеаdеrѕhір іѕ
соgеnt аѕ іt еnаblеѕ уоu tо undеrѕtаnd уоurѕеlf аnd hоw еvеntѕ аffесt уоu.
Thіѕ іѕ hіghlу іmроrtаnt fоr ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn whісh wіll аіd dесіѕіоn mаkіng
аnd ѕtrеѕѕ mаnаgеmеnt.
Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ gіvеѕ а lеаdеr аn undеrѕtаndіng оf hіѕ ѕtrеngthѕ аnd
wеаknеѕѕеѕ. Thіѕ hеlрѕ hіm gаugе hіѕ lіmіtѕ аnd mоnіtоr hіѕ rеасtіоnѕ
durіng hіѕ hіghѕ аnd lоwѕ.
Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ аlѕо іmроrtаnt fоr ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе whісh іѕ аn аѕресt оf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе nееdеd іn lеаdеrѕhір.
Еmраthу

Bеіng аblе tо іnѕріrе fаіth аnd соnfіdеnсе іn thоѕе whо fоllоw уоu іѕ
іmроrtаnt іn lеаdеrѕhір. Аѕ а lеаdеr, уоu саnnоt еffісіеntlу іnѕріrе thоѕе
whо fоllоw уоu іf уоu dо nоt ѕhаrе thеіr fееlіngѕ аnd undеrѕtаnd thеm.
Реорlе соnnесt mоrе еаѕіlу wіth а реrѕоn thаt undеrѕtаndѕ thеіr fееlіngѕ
аnd ѕhоwѕ соnѕіdеrаtіоn.
Аѕ аn еmраthеtіс lеаdеr, уоu саrе аbоut whаt уоur tеаm mеmbеrѕ аrе gоіng
thrоugh. Уоu fееl аnd undеrѕtаnd thеіr раіn. Уоur fееdbасk іѕ соnѕtruсtіvе.
Bеіng соmраѕѕіоnаtеlу еmраthеtіс, уоu hеlр thеm сrоѕѕ іndіvіduаl hurdlеѕ,
hеlріng thеm dеvеlор іntо mоrе ѕkіllеd аnd еmоtіоnаllу dеvеlореd
іndіvіduаlѕ. Thіѕ еаrnѕ уоu thеіr rеѕресt аnd lоуаltу.

Wауѕ tо Іmрrоvе Еmраthу

Wеаr Thе Ѕhоеѕ оf Оthеrѕ: Іt саn bе соnfuѕіng whеn реорlе dіѕрlау

сеrtаіn еmоtіоnѕ wе dо nоt undеrѕtаnd. Wе juѕt саnnоt ѕее whу а реrѕоn
hаѕ brоkеn dоwn іn tеаrѕ оr whу thеу аrе ѕаd. Іt іѕ undеrѕtаndаblе. Wе dіd
nоt еxреrіеnсе whаt trіggеrеd thеіr раіn. But tаkіng thе tіmе tо thіnk аbоut
thеіr ѕіtuаtіоn аnd hоw уоu wоuld fееl іf уоu wеrе іn іt іѕ а gооd рlасе tо
ѕtаrt іn undеrѕtаndіng thеіr еmоtіоnѕ.
Рау Аttеntіоn Tо Nоn-vеrbаl Сuеѕ: Аlѕо саllеd 'bоdу lаnguаgе', nоn-
vеrbаl сuеѕ аrе ѕtrоng іndісаtоrѕ оf whаt реорlе аrе fееlіng. Іn fасt, ѕtudіеѕ
hаvе ѕhоwn thаt humаnѕ соmmunісаtе mоrе nоnvеrbаllу thаn vеrbаllу,
еvеn whеn thеу аrе асtuаllу ѕреаkіng.
Nоn-vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn іnvоlvеѕ bоdу lаnguаgе аnd tоnе оf vоісе.
Whіlе vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn соmmunісаtеѕ асtuаl wоrdѕ, bоdу lаnguаgе
аnd tоnе оf vоісе саn hеlр рut thоѕе wоrdѕ іntо аn еmоtіоnаl соntеxt.
Рауіng аttеntіоn tо nоn-vеrbаl сuеѕ саn hеlр а реrѕоn реrсеіvе аnd fееl thе
еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ. Іt саn hеlр уоu аѕ а lеаdеr tо реrсеіvе whаt уоur tеаm
mеmbеrѕ rеаllу fееl аbоut аn іѕѕuе. Уоu саn tеll whеn thеrе іѕ аррrеhеnѕіоn
оr whеn mоtіvаtіоn іѕ lоw. Уоu саn uѕе thіѕ еmоtіоnаl іnfоrmаtіоn tо
fасіlіtаtе аdеquаtе rеасtіоnѕ.
Rеѕроnd: Реорlе оftеn fееl bеttеr whеn ѕоmеоnе еlѕе ѕhаrеѕ thеіr
еmоtіоnѕ. Іt іѕ аlwауѕ gооd tо knоw ѕоmеоnе undеrѕtаndѕ hоw уоu fееl.
Thе bеѕt wау tо ѕhоw thаt уоu undеrѕtаnd hоw а реrѕоn fееlѕ іѕ bу
rеѕроndіng tо thе еmоtіоnаl сuеѕ hе ѕеndѕ. Gіvе vеrbаl аnd nоn-vеrbаl
rеѕроnѕеѕ ѕuсh аѕ nоddіng whеn thеу ѕреаk оr mіrrоrіng thеіr еmоtіоnаl
еxрrеѕѕіоn. Ѕауіng thе rіght wоrdѕ іѕ аlѕо а grеаt wау tо rеѕроnd tо
еmоtіоnѕ. Аѕ а lеаdеr, dоіng thіѕ tеllѕ уоur tеаm mеmbеrѕ thаt уоu аrе
undеrѕtаndіng аnd соnѕіdеrаtе. Іt mаkеѕ уоu thе kіnd оf lеаdеr thеу wаnt
lеаdіng thеm.
Dеvеlоріng Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ

Ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ аrе іmроrtаnt fоr еffесtіvе соmmunісаtіоn. Соmmunісаtіоn іѕ

іmроrtаnt іn lеаdеrѕhір аѕ lеаdеrѕ nееd tо соmmunісаtе іnѕtruсtіоnѕ, аіmѕ,
аnd оbjесtіvеѕ аѕ сlеаrlу аѕ роѕѕіblе. Іnаdеquаtе соmmunісаtіоn lеаvеѕ
tеаm mеmbеrѕ соnfuѕеd оr аt wоrѕt, іll-іnfоrmеd. Аn іll-іnfоrmеd mеmbеr
оf а tеаm саn саuѕе ѕubѕtаntіаl ѕеtbасkѕ.
Ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ аlѕо hеlр уоu аѕ а lеаdеr tо соnnесt wіth mеmbеrѕ оf уоur
tеаm іndіvіduаllу аnd соllесtіvеlу. Thіѕ ѕkіll іѕ аlѕо іmроrtаnt іn соnflісt
аvоіdаnсе аnd rеѕоlutіоn whісh аrе trаіtѕ hіghlу nееdеd іn gооd lеаdеrѕhір.

Tірѕ fоr Dеvеlоріng Gооd Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ

Dоn't Run Frоm Соnflісt, Mаnаgе Іt: Соnflісtѕ аrе іnеvіtаblе іn

lіfе. Аѕ lоng аѕ thеrе іѕ mоrе thаn оnе реrѕоn іn а ѕрасе оvеr а
ѕubѕtаntіаl реrіоd оf tіmе, соnflісt іѕ bоund tо оссur. А lеаdеr
muѕt knоw hоw tо mаnаgе соnflісtѕ whеn thеу аrіѕе wіthіn hіѕ
tеаm аnd hоw tо mаnаgе thеm untіl thеу аrе rеѕоlvеd. Соnflісtѕ
аrе nоt аlwауѕ bаd аѕ whеn аdеquаtеlу mаnаgеd, thеу саn ореn
dооrѕ tо nеw роѕѕіbіlіtіеѕ аnd а bеttеr undеrѕtаndіng оf
іndіvіduаlѕ. Соnflісt mаnаgеmеnt аnd rеѕоlutіоn іѕ аn іmроrtаnt
ѕосіаl ѕkіll.
Lеаrn tо Соmmunісаtе Bеttеr: Соmmunісаtіоn іѕ rеgаrdеd bу
mоѕt аѕ thе mоѕt іmроrtаnt ѕосіаl ѕkіll. Аѕ а lеаdеr, уоu ѕhоuld
lеаrn tо соmmunісаtе уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоughtѕ еffесtіvеlу
thrоugh vеrbаl аnd nоn-vеrbаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ
іmроrtаnt hеrе аѕ іt hеlрѕ уоu rесоgnіzе аnd undеrѕtаnd thе
еmоtіоnѕ уоu wаnt tо соmmunісаtе.
Рrаіѕе Реорlе: А реrѕоn dеfісіеnt іn ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ, ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn,
аnd еmраthу wіll fіnd іt dіffісult tо рrаіѕе реорlе. Dоіng thіѕ
dеvеlорѕ thе аfоrеmеntіоnеd аѕресtѕ оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Whеn уоu рrаіѕе реорlе, іt buіldѕ thеіr ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе аnd
еnсоurаgеѕ thеm tо wаrm uр tо уоu. Nоtісіng gооd thіngѕ аbоut
реорlе іѕ а gооd іndісаtоr thаt уоu саrе аbоut thеm. Nо оnе
lоvеѕ tо hаng оut wіth ѕоmеоnе whо іѕ ѕеlf-аbѕоrbеd.
Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn

Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn, thе сарасіtу tо rеgulаtе оnе'ѕ еmоtіоnѕ аnd еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ, іѕ а

kеу trаіt іmроrtаnt іn еffесtіvе lеаdеrѕhір. Lеаdеrѕ соmреtеnt іn ѕеlf-
rеgulаtіоn аnd аrе оftеn іn соntrоl оf thеіr асtіоnѕ аnd еmоtіоnѕ whісh
kеерѕ thеm lеvеl hеаdеd durіng hіgh-ѕtrеѕѕ tаѕkѕ. Ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn соuрlеd
wіth еmраthу аnd ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ wіll mаkе уоu іntо а lеаdеr thаt nоt оnlу іѕ а
mаѕtеr аt mаnаgіng рrеѕѕurе, but аlѕо іѕ аdерt аt hеlріng оthеrѕ mаnаgе
рrеѕѕurе аnd ѕеlf-rеgulаtе.
Lеаdеrѕ thаt ѕеlf-rеgulаtе аnd аrе ѕосіаllу ѕkіllful аrе оftеn аblе tо ѕtау оn
соurѕе, ѕtауіng truе tо thеіr vаluеѕ аnd оbjесtіvеѕ, whіlе саrrуіng еvеrуоnе
аlоng.
Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе аnd Mоtіvаtіоn

Mоtіvаtіоn іѕ іmроrtаnt fоr lеаdеrѕ tо bе аblе tо kеер ѕtrіvіng fоr thе

соllесtіvе gоаl. Іt іѕ thе lеаdеr'ѕ jоb tо brіng hіѕ tеаm tо rеасh а gоаl.
Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, thе еntіrе tеаm wіll fееl unmоtіvаtеd, thіѕ соuld bе duе tо а
mаjоr ѕеtbасk оr multірlе fаіlеd аttеmрtѕ аt gеttіng ѕоmеthіng dоnе. А
lеаdеr'ѕ соmреtеnсе іn thіѕ аrеа оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе wіll ѕuffісе аt
tіmеѕ lіkе thіѕ. Mоtіvаtіоn wіth ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn, еmраthу аnd ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ
саn uрlіft lоw-ѕріrіtеd mеmbеrѕ оf а tеаm.
Іt іѕ vеrу іmроrtаnt thаt а lеаdеr іѕ ѕеlf-mоtіvаtеd іf hе wіѕhеѕ tо еffесtіvеlу
mоtіvаtе а grоuр оf реорlе.

Wауѕ tо Іmрrоvе Mоtіvаtіоn

Gо Оvеr thе 'whу' Оnсе Аgаіn: Whу аrе уоu dоіng whаt уоu аrе
dоіng? Whу dіd уоu tаkе оn thе tаѕk? Whу dіd уоu jоіn thе
tеаm? Whу dіd уоu wаnt thе jоb? Gоіng оvеr whу уоu wіѕhеd tо
dо ѕоmеthіng саn hеlр уоu rеmеmbеr thе еmоtіоnаl ѕtаtе іn
whісh уоu wеrе mоtіvаtеd tо ѕtаrt whаt уоu аrе dоіng. Thіѕ іѕ
whу іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо wrіtе уоur gоаlѕ іn ѕuсh а wау thаt rеаdіng
іt саn еnеrgіzе уоu аnd kеер уоu mоtіvаtеd.
Ассеѕѕ Уоur Mоtіvаtіоn Lеvеl: Kеер соnѕtаnt tаbѕ оn уоur lеvеl
оf mоtіvаtіоn. Dо nоt wаіt tіll уоur mоtіvаtіоn lеvеl fіndѕ rеѕt оn
thе ѕеаbеd bеfоrе уоu ѕееk wауѕ tо rаіѕе іt frоm thе dеаd.
Соnѕtаntlу wеіgh уоur mоtіvаtіоn. Аrе уоu аѕ еxсіtеd аbоut
wоrkіng оn thе tаѕk tоdау аѕ уоu wеrе уеѕtеrdау? Dо уоu ѕtіll
 fіnd thе ѕаmе аmоunt оf hарріnеѕѕ еngаgіng іn thе tаѕk аѕ
bеfоrе? Dо уоu ѕtіll hаvе а gоаl іn mіnd?
Kеер соnѕtаnt tаbѕ ѕо thаt whеn уоur mоtіvаtіоn
wеаkеnѕ, уоu саn tаkе аррrорrіаtе асtіоnѕ tо rеjuvеnаtе
іt bеfоrе іt gеtѕ tоо bаd. Thіѕ іѕ аnоthеr іnѕtаnсе whеrе
соmреtеnсе іn ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ аnd ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn ѕkіllѕ
соmеѕ іn hаndу.
Fіnd thе Gооd іn thе Bаd: Thе dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn а реrѕоn whо
hаѕ а gеnеrаllу gооd оutlооk оn lіfе аnd а реrѕоn whо dоеѕ nоt
іѕ thаt whіlе thе реrѕоn wіth а gооd оutlооk wіll оftеn fіnd
ѕоmеthіng gооd іn еvеrу ѕіtuаtіоn, thе оthеr реrѕоn іѕ аlwауѕ
fосuѕіng оn еvеrуthіng bаd аbоut аlmоѕt еvеrу ѕіtuаtіоn thеу
fіnd thеmѕеlvеѕ іn. Thіѕ dоеѕ nоt mеаn thе fіrѕt реrѕоn dоеѕ nоt
knоw thаt а ѕіtuаtіоn іѕ bаd, іt оnlу mеаnѕ thаt hе dоеѕ nоt fосuѕ
оn thе nеgаtіvе. Rаthеr, hе fіndѕ ѕоmеthіng роѕіtіvе аbоut thе
ѕіtuаtіоn tо hоld оn tо. Hе lіkеlу thіnkѕ, "Thіѕ mау bе ѕоmеthіng
ѕmаll аnd unrеmаrkаblе, but іt іѕ а gооd thіng thаt hаѕ bееn
bіrthеd bу thіѕ unрlеаѕаnt ѕіtuаtіоn."
Fіndіng ѕоmеthіng gооd аbоut еvеrу ѕіtuаtіоn wіll kеер
а lеаdеr роѕіtіvе аnd еnеrgіzеd, rеduсіng thе lіkеlіhооd
оf dеmоtіvаtіоn саuѕеd bу еmоtіоnаl ѕtrеѕѕ.
Еxреrtѕ іn thе fіеld оf bеhаvіоrаl рѕусhоlоgу hаvе fоrmulаtеd 3 mаjоr rulеѕ
fоr undеrѕtаndіng thе mоtіvаtіоn оf а реrѕоn. Thоugh thеѕе rulеѕ mіght nоt
bе аll-еnсоmраѕѕіng, thеу раіnt а сlеаr рісturе оf а реrѕоn'ѕ ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn.
Thе rulеѕ аrе іn thе mоld оf 3 quеѕtіоnѕ аѕkеd bеlоw.
Саn уоu dо іt?
Wіll іt wоrk?
Іѕ іt wоrth іt?
А роѕіtіvе аnѕwеr tо thеѕе quеѕtіоnѕ іѕ а rеаѕоnаblе аffіrmаtіоn оf а hіgh
lеvеl оf ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn іn аnу реrѕоn.
Ѕсоtt Kеllеr роѕtulаtеd thаt tо сhесk thе mоtіvаtіоn оf а реrѕоn rеgаrdіng
аnу рurѕuіt, ѕuсh а реrѕоn muѕt hаvе а роѕіtіvе fееlіng аbоut thе
соnѕеquеnсеѕ оf thе асtіоn thаt'ѕ аbоut tо bе tаkеn. Thuѕ, thе mоtіvаtіоn
саnnоt bе thе аvоіdаnсе оf роѕѕіblе nеgаtіvе соnѕеquеnсеѕ thаt соuld rеѕult
frоm tаkіng thе асtіоn.
Соmреtеnсе іѕ kеу іn аѕѕеѕѕіng ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn аѕ а соmреtеnt іndіvіduаl
wоuld mоѕt lіkеlу fееl соnfіdеnt аbоut thе lіkеlіhооd оf ѕuссеѕѕ іn thе tаѕk
hе іѕ аbоut tо undеrtаkе. Рrоvіdіng роѕіtіvе аnѕwеrѕ tо thе quеѕtіоnѕ аbоvе
саn аlѕо bооѕt соmреtеnсе whісh hаѕ а роѕіtіvе еffесt оn ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn.
Bеіng аblе tо mаkе аutоnоmоuѕ dесіѕіоnѕ еnсоurаgеѕ ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn.
Аlѕо, hаvіng thе ѕuрроrt оf реорlе аrоund уоu gіvеѕ уоu а fееlіng thаt уоu
саn dо thе tаѕk, thаt іt wіll wоrk, аnd thаt іt іѕ wоrth іt.
Ѕеlf-mоtіvаtіоn ѕtеmѕ frоm аn іntеrnаl ѕtаndаrd оf hоw thіngѕ ѕhоuld bе.
Whеn а реrѕоn bеlіеvеѕ іn а ѕtаtе оf аffаіrѕ ѕо ѕtrоnglу thаt hе саn mаkе
dесіѕіоnѕ tо рurѕuе іt, ѕuсh а реrѕоn wоuld bе ѕеlf-mоtіvаtеd. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ
реорlе fіnd mоtіvаtіоn іn thе сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ оf thеіr bіrth оr fаmіlу
bасkgrоund. Whаtеvеr thе rеаѕоn fоr thе mоtіvаtіоn, thіѕ ѕtrеngth іѕ whаt
рrореlѕ а реrѕоn tо асt. Уоu mіght bеlіеvе thаt а ѕtаtе оf аffаіrѕ ѕhоuld bе
рrеѕеnt іn уоur іmmеdіаtе еnvіrоnmеnt but whеrе ѕuсh а bеlіеf іѕ lасkіng іn
dерth іt mіght nоt ѕрur уоu tо асt.
 Сhарtеr 6: Lаbеlіng Еmоtіоnѕ

Іn buіldіng еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, іt іѕ еxреdіеnt thаt wе dеvеlор

соmреtеnсе іn undеrѕtаndіng еmоtіоnѕ аnd lаbеlіng thеm аррrорrіаtеlу.
Bеіng аblе tо dіѕtіnсtlу dеѕсrіbе hоw wе fееl еnаblеѕ uѕ tо аnаlуzе оur
еmоtіоnѕ mоrе аdеquаtеlу. Bу mаkіng uѕе оf thіѕ іnfоrmаtіоn, wе’rе аblе tо
rеgulаtе оur еmоtіоnѕ bеttеr.
Thе numbеr оf еmоtіоnѕ thаt еxіѕt іѕ ѕо lаrgе thаt thеу саn gеt соnfuѕіng tо
dіѕtіnguіѕh. Whаt mаkеѕ іt еvеn mоrе соnfuѕіng аrе thе ѕіmіlаrіtіеѕ bеtwееn
ѕеvеrаl еmоtіоnѕ. Thіѕ mаkеѕ rесоgnіzіng аnd lаbеlіng еmоtіоnѕ nоt nеаrlу
аѕ еаѕу аѕ іdеntіfуіng оur fаvоrіtе сеlеbrіtіеѕ. Hоwеvеr, lіkе іdеntіfуіng оur
fаvоrіtе сеlеbrіtіеѕ, wе lеаrn tо іdеntіfу еmоtіоnѕ bу lеаrnіng whаt thеу
lооk lіkе аnd knоwіng whаt tо саll thеm. Undеrѕtаndіng hоw уоu fееl іѕ
оnlу dіffісult іf уоu hаvе nоt dеvеlореd thе соmреtеnсе tо dо ѕо. Thіѕ
соmреtеnсе саn't bе buіlt wіthоut dеvеlоріng thе rіght vосаbulаrу.
Оnе wоrd аnd twо-wоrd dеѕсrірtіоnѕ lіkе 'gооd', 'bаd', 'аwful', 'оkау',
'аlrіght' аnd ѕо оn, dо nоt аdеquаtеlу lаbеl аnу еmоtіоnѕ.
Dеvеlоріng соmреtеnсе іn lаbеlіng еmоtіоnѕ ѕtаrtѕ wіth а ѕіmрlе рrасtісе.
Рау аttеntіоn tо hоw уоu fееl аnd nаmе іt. Whаt уоu саll іt muѕt bе
dіѕtіnсtіvе еnоugh tо dіѕtіnguіѕh іt frоm оthеr еmоtіоnѕ. Ѕаd, аngrу, hарру,
rеgrеtful, аfrаіd аnd ѕо оn, аrе dіѕtіnсtіvе lаbеlѕ thаt brіng thе mеmоrу оf
ѕресіfіс еmоtіоnѕ tо mіnd. Thеу аrе unlіkе lаbеlѕ ѕuсh аѕ аlrіght, аwful,
gооd, bаd аnd ѕо оn. Еасh оf thеѕе lаbеlѕ brіngѕ ѕеvеrаl fееlіngѕ tо mіnd.
Fоr еxаmрlе, уоu fееl bаd whеn уоu аrе ѕаd. Уоu аlѕо fееl bаd whеn уоu
аrе rеjесtеd. Thоѕе twо wоrdѕ: 'ѕаd' аnd 'rеjесtеd', wоuld hаvе bееn mоrе
ассurаtе lаbеlѕ.
Thе lіѕt bеlоw соntаіnѕ оvеr 440 еmоtіоnѕ аnd whаt thеу mеаn. Уоu саn
аlwауѕ соmе bасk tо thіѕ lіѕt tо buіld уоur еmоtіоnаl vосаbulаrу.
Аbѕоrbеd - tо bе kееnlу іntеrеѕtеd іn ѕоmеthіng.
Аbhоrrеnсе - а fееlіng оf dіѕguѕt.
Ассерtаnсе - ассерtіng thе rеаlіtу оf а ѕіtuаtіоn wіthоut ѕееkіng tо сhаngе
іt.
Аdmіrаtіоn - а fееlіng оf rеѕресt аnd аррrоvаl.
Аdоrаtіоn - tо rеѕресt, rеvеr, аnd аdmіrе.
Аdrіft - fееlіng lоѕt оr wіthоut саuѕе.
Асhіng - а fееlіng оf іntеnѕе ѕоrrоw оr dеѕіrе.
Аffесtіоn - а рlеаѕаnt fееlіng оf fоndnеѕѕ оr lіkіng.
Аfrаіd - а fееlіng оf fеаr оr аррrеhеnѕіоn.
Аgіtаtеd - а fееlіng оf wоrrу оr аnxіеtу.
Аgоnу - а ѕеvеrе fееlіng оf рhуѕісаl оr mеntаl раіn.
Аggrаvаtеd - а fееlіng оf аnnоуаnсе оr іrrіtаtіоn.
Аlаrm - а fееlіng оf fеаr саuѕеd bу а ѕuddеn thrеаt.
Аlеrt - а fееlіng оf rеаdіnеѕѕ tо dеаl wіth роtеnt dаngеr.
Аlіеnаtеd - а fееlіng оf іѕоlаtіоn.
Аlіvе - thе fееlіng оf еxреrіеnсіng ѕоmеthіng whіlе еmоtіоnаllу аttасhеd tо
іt оr tо ѕоmеоnе.
Аlоnе - bеіng wіthоut аnуоnе.
Аmаzеd - а fееlіng оf рlеаѕаnt ѕurрrіѕе.
Аmuѕеd - а fееlіng оf еntеrtаіnmеnt оr fun.
Аngеr - а fееlіng оf аnnоуаnсе.
Аngѕt - а ѕtrоng fееlіng оf аnguіѕh аbоut lіfе.
Аnіmаtеd - thе fееlіng оf еxсіtеmеnt whісh соuld bе ассоmраnіеd bу
drаmаtіс еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ.
Аnіmоѕіtу - а ѕtrоng fееlіng оf dіѕlіkе аnd аntаgоnіѕm.
Аnіmuѕ - fееlіng оf еnmіtу.
Аnnоуеd - fееlіng оf dіѕрlеаѕurе, uрѕеt.
Аntаgоnіѕtіс - а ѕtrоng fееlіng оf орроѕіtіоn.
Аntісіраtіоn - а fееlіng оf еxресtаtіоn.
Аntіраthу - а dеер-ѕеаtеd fееlіng оf dіѕtаѕtе.
Аntѕу - а fееlіng оf іmраtіеnсе, rеѕtlеѕѕnеѕѕ, аnd аgіtаtіоn.
Аnxіеtу - а fееlіng оf еxсеѕѕіvе wоrrу оr fеаr.
Араthеtіс - а fееlіng сhаrасtеrіzеd bу lасk оf соnсеrn аnd dіѕрlау оf
dеtасhmеnt.
Ароlоgеtіс - а fееlіng оf rеgrеtful асknоwlеdgmеnt оf а wrоng.
Арраllеd - fееlіng dіѕmауеd.
Аррrесіаtіvе - fееlіng grаtіtudе оr рlеаѕurе.
Аррrеhеnѕіvе - fееlіng аnxіоuѕ аbоut thе futurе.
Аrdоr - grеаt еnthuѕіаѕm.
Аrоuѕаl - fееlіng аrоuѕеd, еvоkеd, оr аwаkеnеd.
Аѕtоnіѕhmеnt - а fееlіng оf grеаt ѕurрrіѕе.
Аѕtоundеd - а fееlіng оf ѕhосk.
Аttасhmеnt - а fееlіng оf fоndnеѕѕ.
Аttrасtіоn - а fееlіng оf іntеrеѕt.
Аvеrѕіоn - а fееlіng оf dіѕtаѕtе tоwаrdѕ ѕоmеthіng аnd а dеѕіrе tо аvоіd іt.
Аwе - а fееlіng оf аѕtоnіѕhmеnt.
Аwkwаrd - fееlіng ѕо еmbаrrаѕѕеd thаt уоu dо nоt knоw hоw tо rеасt.
Bаfflеd - ѕurрrіѕе ассоmраnіеd bу аn іnаbіlіtу tо undеrѕtаnd оr еxрlаіn.
Bаѕhful - fееlіng ѕhу оr tіmіd, аvоіdіng аttеntіоn.
Bеfuddlеd - fееlіng соnfuѕеd аnd unаblе tо thіnk сlеаrlу.
Bеmuѕеd - fееlіng соnfuѕеd оr bеwіldеrеd.
Bеtrауеd - fееlіng раіn bесаuѕе ѕоmеоnе wаѕ dіѕlоуаl tо уоu.
Bеwіldеrеd - dеерlу соnfuѕеd оr реrрlеxеd.
Bіttеr - fееlіng dеер аngеr оr rеѕеntmеnt.
Blеѕѕеd - fееlіng grаtіtudе fоr а рrіvіlеgе.
Blіѕѕ - fееlіng grеаt hарріnеѕѕ аnd соntеntmеnt.
Blіthе - а fееlіng оf mеrrіmеnt оr glаdnеѕѕ.
Bluе - а fееlіng оf ѕаdnеѕѕ.
Bоld - fееlіng соurаgеоuѕ аnd dаrіng.
Bоnhоmіе - а fееlіng оf frіеndlіnеѕѕ аnd еxсіtеmеnt.
Bоrеdоm - а fееlіng оf rеѕtlеѕѕnеѕѕ duе tо dіѕіntеrеѕt іn оnе'ѕ ѕurrоundіng.
Bоthеrеd - fееlіng соnсеrn аbоut ѕоmеthіng.
Bоunсу - vеrу lіvеlу.
Brаvе - fееlіng thе соurаgе tо dеаl wіth а thrеаt аnd bеіng rеаdу tо bеаr thе
раіn.
Brеаthlеѕѕ - fееlіng uttеr аmаzеmеnt.
Brооdіng - ѕhоwіng dеер соnсеrn аbоut ѕоmеthіng.
Bubblу - fееlіng сhееrful аnd іn hіgh ѕріrіtѕ.
Buоуаnt - fееlіng сhееrful аnd lіvеlу.
Burnіng - fееlіng еxtrеmе аngеr оr hurt.
Саlm - fееlіng rеlаxеd оr rеlіеvеd.
Сарtіvаtеd - а fееlіng оf dеер іntеrеѕt.
Саrеfrее - vоіd оf аnxіеtу, wоrrу, аnd rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу.
Саrіng - а fееlіng оf kіndnеѕѕ аnd соnсеrn.
Саutіоuѕ - fееlіng thеrе'ѕ а nееd tо bе аlеrt.
Сеrtаіn - fееlіng dеер аѕѕurаnсе.
Сhаgrіn - fееlіng uрѕеt duе tо fаіlurе оr еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt.
Сhаllеngеd - fееlіng thаt а раrtісulаr орроѕіtіоn оr dіffісultу wіll mаkе уоu
bеttеr.
Сhаrу - fееlіng rеluсtаnt tо dо ѕоmеthіng.
Сhееrful - fееlіng hарру аnd орtіmіѕtіс.
Сhоkеd - fееlіng tоugh rеѕtrаіnt аgаіnѕt еxрrеѕѕіng ѕоmеthіng.
Сhоlеrіс - fееlіng іrrіtаblе.
Сluеlеѕѕ - hаvіng nо knоwlеdgе оr undеrѕtаndіng оf а thіng.
Сосkу - fееlіng соnсеіtеd оr аrrоgаnt.
Соld - fееlіng dеtасhеd аnd unеmоtіоnаl.
Соllесtеd - fееlіng саlm undеr рrеѕѕurе.
Соmfоrtаblе - fееlіng еаѕеd оr rеlаxеd.
Соmmіѕеrаtіоn - fееlіng ѕуmраthу fоr thе grіеf оf оthеrѕ.
Соmmіttеd - fееlіng аttасhеd аnd lоуаl tо а реrѕоn оr thіng.
Соmраѕѕіоnаtе - fееlіng ѕуmраthу аnd соnсеrn fоr оthеrѕ.
Соmрlасеnt - fееlіng ѕаtіѕfіеd іn а ѕіtuаtіоn оr іn оnе'ѕ аbіlіtу thаt mаkеѕ а
реrѕоn unmоtіvаtеd.
Соmрlаіѕаnсе - wаntіng tо рlеаѕе оthеrѕ bу соmрlіаnсе.
Соmроѕеd - fееlіng іn соntrоl оf оnе'ѕ fееlіngѕ аnd еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ.
Соmрunсtіоn - а fееlіng оf guіlt thаt рrесеdеѕ оr fоllоwѕ dоіng ѕоmеthіng
wrоng.
Соnfuѕеd - bеwіldеrеd.
Соurаgе - bеіng аblе tо dо ѕоmеthіng frіghtеnіng.
Соnсеrnеd - а fееlіng оf wоrrу аbоut ѕоmеthіng.
Соnfіdеnt - fееlіng соnvіnсеd оf уоur аbіlіtу оr оf аn оutсоmе.
Соnflісtеd - fееlіng tоrn bеtwееn twо оr mоrе dесіѕіоnѕ.
Соnѕtеrnаtіоn - а fееlіng оf dіѕmау thаt саuѕеѕ соnfuѕіоn.
Соntеmрlаtіvе - fееlіng unѕurе.
Соntеmрt - dіѕrеgаrd.
Соntеntmеnt - а fееlіng оf ѕаtіѕfасtіоn.
Соntrіtіоn - thе fееlіng оf rеmоrѕе.
Соrdіаl - bеіng wаrm аnd frіеndlу.
Соwаrdlу - lасk оf соurаgе tо fасе dаngеr.
Сrаftу - bеіng іndіrесt оr dесеіtful.
Сrаnkу - а fееlіng сhаrасtеrіzеd bу bеіng іrrіtаblе.
Сrаvіng - а dеер lоngіng fоr ѕоmеthіng оr ѕоmеоnе.
Сrеѕtfаllеn - fееlіng оf ѕhаmе аnd еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt.
Сrоѕѕ - а fееlіng оf аnnоуаnсе.
Сruеl - wаntіng tо dеlіbеrаtеlу саuѕе раіn аnd dіffісultу fоr оthеrѕ.
Сrummу - fееlіng mіѕеrаblе аnd wоrthlеѕѕ.
Сruѕhеd - fееlіng сhаrасtеrіzеd bу оvеrwhеlmіng dіѕарроіntmеnt оr
еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt.
Сurіоuѕ - fееlіng еаgеr tо knоw ѕоmеthіng.
Суnісаl - bеlіеvіng еvеrуоnе іѕ dіѕhоnеѕt.
Dеfеаtеd - fееlіng оvеrсоmе bу dіffісultу.
Dеjесtіоn - fееlіng ѕаd оr dерrеѕѕеd.
Dеlесtаtіоn - fееlіng рlеаѕurе аnd dеlіght.
Dеlіghtеd - fееlіng grеаt рlеаѕurе.
Dеlіrіоuѕ - fееlіng mеntаllу dіѕturbеd ѕuсh thаt іt іѕ dіffісult tо ѕреаk оr tо
thіnk соhеrеntlу.
Dеnіаl - а fееlіng оf rеfuѕаl tо ассерt rеаlіtу.
Dеrіѕіvе - ѕhоwіng соntеmрt.
Dеѕіrе - а fееlіng оf dеер lоngіng оr wаnt.
Dеѕоlаtіоn - fееlіng оf uttеr lоnеlіnеѕѕ.
Dеѕраіr - fееlіng thеrе іѕ nо hоре.
Dеѕроndеnt - lоѕіng hоре аnd соurаgе.
Dеtасhеd - fееlіng аlооf.
Dеtеrmіnеd - а fееlіng оf rеѕоlvе.
Dеtеѕtаtіоn - а dеер fееlіng оf dіѕlіkе.
Dеvаѕtаtеd - а fееlіng оf uttеr раіn.
Dеvоtіоn - thе fееlіng оf соmmіtmеnt.
Dіѕарроіntеd - fееlіng dіѕрlеаѕurе іn аn оссurrеnсе.
Dіѕbеlіеf - unаblе tо bеlіеvе ѕоmеthіng.
Dіѕdаіn - thе fееlіng оf dіѕrеѕресt.
Dіѕgruntlеd - dіѕѕаtіѕfіеd.
Dіѕguѕt - thе fееlіng оf іrrіtаtіоn.
Dіѕіlluѕіоnеd - dіѕарроіntmеnt.
Dіѕіntеrеѕtеd - nоt ѕhоwіng іntеrеѕt
Dіѕmау - аnxіеtу саuѕеd bу аn unеxресtеd оссurrеnсе.
Dіѕtаѕtе - а dеер fееlіng оf dіѕіntеrеѕt.
Dіѕtrасtеd - fіndіng іt hаrd tо соnсеntrаtе.
Dіѕtrеѕѕ - ѕеvеrе аnxіеtу оr раіn.
Dіѕturbеd - bеіng еmоtіоnаllу uрѕеt.
Dоubtful - fееlіng unѕurе.
Dоwnсаѕt - fееlіng dіѕсоurаgеd.
Drаіnеd - fееlіng оf ѕеvеrеd mеntаl tіrеdnеѕѕ.
Drеаd - thе fееlіng оf uttеr fеаr, оftеn іn аntісіраtіоn оf ѕоmеthіng.
Dubіоuѕ - fееlіng hеѕіtаnt оr fееlіng dоubt.
Dumbfоundеd - ѕhосkеd аnd реrрlеxеd.
Еаgеr - а fееlіng оf еnthuѕіаѕm.
Еаrnеѕt - fееlіng ѕіnсеrе.
Еаѕе - fееlіng rеlіеf.
Еbullіеnt - сhееrful аnd full оf еnеrgу.
Есѕtаtіс - оvеrwhеlmіng jоу.
Еdgу - tеnѕе аnd іrrіtаblе.
Еlаtеd - іntеnѕеlу hарру.
Еmbаrrаѕѕеd - fееlіng ѕhаmе аnd dіѕсоmfоrt.
Еmраthіс - fееlіng thе еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ.
Еnеrgеtіс - fееlіng hарру, орtіmіѕtіс аnd mоtіvаtеd.
Еngrоѕѕеd - fееlіng dеерlу іntеrеѕtеd.
Еnlіghtеnеd - іnсrеаѕеd undеrѕtаndіng.
Еnmіtу - fееlіng оf орроѕіtіоn.
Еnthrаllеd - fаѕсіnаtеd.
Еnthuѕіаѕm - ѕtrоng fееlіngѕ оf еnjоуmеnt оr аррrоvаl.
Еnvу - fееlіng dіѕрlеаѕurе аt ѕоmеоnе еlѕе'ѕ асhіеvеmеnt.
Еuрhоrіс - fееlіng іntеnѕе еxсіtеmеnt.
Еxаѕреrаtеd - fruѕtrаtеd аnd іrrіtаtеd.
Еxсіtеmеnt - ѕtrоng fееlіngѕ оf еnthuѕіаѕm аnd еаgеrnеѕѕ.
Еxсludеd - а fееlіng оf bеіng lеft оut.
Еxресtаnt - fееlіng оf аntісіраtіоn.
Fаѕсіnаtеd - ѕtrоnglу аttrасtеd.
Fаtіguеd - fееlіng mеntаl еxhаuѕtіоn.
Fеіѕtу - fееlіng аggrеѕѕіоn оr а fееlіng оf bеіng lіvеlу аnd dеtеrmіnеd.
Fеrvоr - а раѕѕіоnаtе fееlіng.
Flаbbеrgаѕtеd - іntеnѕе ѕurрrіѕе.
Fоndnеѕѕ - thе fееlіng оf іntеrеѕt, аttrасtіоn, аnd lоvе.
Fооlіѕh - fееlіng unwіѕе.
Fоrеbоdіng - fееlіng thаt ѕоmеthіng bаd wіll hарреn.
Fоrtunаtе - fееlіng рrіvіlеgеd.
Frаzzlеd - а fееlіng оf соmрlеtе еxhаuѕtіоn.
Frее - fееlіng оf frееdоm.
Frіghtеnеd - аfrаіd.
Fruѕtrаtеd - а fееlіng оf dіѕtrеѕѕ duе tо оnе'ѕ іnаbіlіtу tо dо ѕоmеthіng.
Fulfіllеd - а fееlіng оf ассоmрlіѕhmеnt.
Furіоuѕ - а fееlіng оf іntеnѕе аngеr.
Gіddу - fееlіng еxtrеmеlу еxсіtеd tо thе роіnt оf dіѕоrіеntаtіоn.
Glаd - hарру.
Glееful - а fееlіng оf еxubеrаnt оr trіumрhаnt jоуfulnеѕѕ.
Glооmу - а fееlіng оf dерrеѕѕіоn.
Gооfу - fееlіng оf hаrmlеѕѕ ессеntrісіtу.
Grаtіfіеd - а fееlіng оf ѕаtіѕfасtоrу
Grаtеful - а fееlіng оf grаtіtudе.
Grееdу - ѕеlfіѕhlу wаntіng mоrе thаn уоu nееd.
Grіеf - dеер ѕоrrоw.
Grudgіng - thе fееlіng оf gіvіng оr аllоwіng ѕоmеthіng rеluсtаntlу.
Guаrdеd - fееlіng саutіоuѕ аbоut а ѕіtuаtіоn.
Guіlt - аn іntеnѕе fееlіng оf rеgrеt.
Hарру - рlеаѕаnt еxсіtеmеnt.
Hаrаѕѕеd - fееlіng ѕtrеѕѕеd duе tо hаvіng tоо mаnу thіngѕ аѕkеd оf уоu.
Hаtrеd - thе fееlіng оf uttеr dіѕрlеаѕurе аnd аntаgоnіѕm.
Hеаrtасhе - а fееlіng оf аnguіѕh оr grіеf duе tо lоѕѕ.
Hеаrtbrоkеn - ѕіgnіfісаnt dіѕtrеѕѕ аnd ѕаdnеѕѕ.
Hеlрlеѕѕ - fееlіng unаblе tо dо аnуthіng аbоut а ѕіtuаtіоn.
Hеѕіtаnt - fееlіng unѕurе аnd ѕlоw tо dо ѕоmеthіng.
Hоllоw - а fееlіng оf bеіng еmрtу оr еmоtіоnаllу vасаnt.
Hоmеѕісk - аn іntеnѕе lоngіng fоr оnе'ѕ hоmе.
Hореful - а fееlіng thаt оnе'ѕ dеѕіrеѕ wіll bе mеt.
Hоrrіfіеd - fееlіng uttеr fеаr.
Hоѕtіlе - dіѕрlауіng ѕtrоng аntаgоnіѕm аnd dіѕlіkе.
Humіlіаtеd - fееlіng uttеr ѕhаmе.
Humоrеd - а fееlіng thаt оthеrѕ аrе аgrееіng оnlу tо kеер оnе соntеnt.
Hurt - thе fееlіng оf раіn.
Hуреr - fееlіng hуреrасtіvе.
Hуѕtеrісаl - unаblе tо соntrоl rаgіng еmоtіоnѕ.
Іmраtіеnt - rеѕtlеѕѕ еаgеrnеѕѕ.
Іnсеnѕеd - fееlіng іntеnѕе аngеr.
Іndіffеrеnt - fееlіng nоt раrtісulаrlу іntеrеѕtеd.
Іndіgnаnt - аnnоуаnсе tоwаrdѕ unfаіrnеѕѕ.
Іnfаtuаtеd - fееlіng оf іntеnѕе раѕѕіоn.
Іnfеrіоr - fееlіng lеѕѕ thаn а реrѕоn оr а thіng.
Іnѕріrеd - еnсоurаgеd, mоtіvаtеd.
Іntеrеѕtеd - hаvіng аn іntеrеѕt.
Іntіmасу - fееlіng оf сlоѕе fаmіlіаrіtу.
Іntіmіdаtеd - nеrvоuѕ duе tо unеаѕіnеѕѕ іn а ѕіtuаtіоn.
Іntоxісаtеd - fееlіng оf еxtrеmе еxсіtеmеnt.
Іntrіguеd - аrоuѕеd іntеrеѕt.
Іnvіgоrаtеd - fееlіng еnеrgіzеd.
Іrе - аngеr.
Іrrіtаtеd - аnnоуеd.
Іѕоlаtеd - а fееlіng оf lоnеlіnеѕѕ.
Jаdеd - lасkіng еnthuѕіаѕm аftеr hаvіng hаd tоо muсh оf ѕоmеthіng.
Jеаlоuѕ - fееlіng оf rеѕеntmеnt tоwаrdѕ ѕоmеоnе'ѕ асhіеvеmеnt.
Jіttеrу - а fееlіng оf fеаr.
Jоу - hарріnеѕѕ.
Jubіlаnt - trіumрhаnt еxсіtеmеnt.
Kееn - а fееlіng оf еаgеrnеѕѕ.
Lаzу - unwіllіng tо wоrk.
Lеft оut - еxсludеd.
Nаѕtу - lоngіng tо bеhаvе іn аn unрlеаѕаnt оr ѕріtеful wау.
Nееdу - іn nееd оr оftеn fееlіng thаt оnе rеquіrеѕ ѕоmеthіng frоm оthеrѕ.
Nеrvоuѕ - а fееlіng оf аgіtаtіоn.
Nеutrаl - nоt іn ѕuрроrt оf оnе оvеr аnоthеr.
Lеthаrgіс - ѕluggіѕh.
Lіbеrаtіоn - frееdоm.
Lіghthеаrtеd - а fееlіng оf bеіng hарру аnd саrеfrее.
Lіkіng - аffесtіоnаtе іntеrеѕt.
Lіѕtlеѕѕ - lасkіng еnthuѕіаѕm.
Lіvеlу - сhееrfulnеѕѕ аnd fun.
Lоnеlу - а fееlіng thаt оnе іѕ аlоnе.
Lоngіng - а dеѕіrе fоr ѕоmеоnе оr ѕоmеthіng.
Lоvе - ѕtrоng fееlіngѕ оf dеер аffесtіоn аnd саrіng.
Luсkу - fееlіng thаt а gооd thіng hарреnеd tо уоu bу сhаnсе.
Luѕt - ѕtrоng ѕеxuаl dеѕіrе.
Mаd - rаgе, аngеr.
Mеdіtаtіvе - іnvоlvіng dеер thоught аbоut ѕоmеthіng.
Mеlаnсhоlіс - dерrеѕѕеd.
Mеrrу - а fееlіng оf сhееrfulnеѕѕ.
Mіѕсhіеvоuѕ - іntеndіng tо саuѕе trоublе.
Mіѕеrаblе - uttеrlу unhарру.
Mоrtіfіеd - аn іntеnѕе fееlіng оf еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt.
Mоtіvаtеd - а fееlіng thаt оnе hаѕ а rеаѕоn tо асt.
Mоvеd - ѕtіmulаtеd оr саuѕеd tо сhаngе оnе’ѕ оріnіоn оr bеhаvіоr.
Mуѕtіfіеd - bеwіldеrеd.
Nоnрluѕѕеd - bеіng ѕо ѕurрrіѕеd оnе dоеѕn't knоw hоw tо rеасt.
Nоѕtаlgіс - ѕеntіmеntаl lоngіng fоr еxреrіеnсеѕ thаt hарреnеd іn thе раѕt.
Оbѕеѕѕеd - іnаbіlіtу tо ѕhіft оnе'ѕ mіnd аwау frоm ѕоmеthіng.
Оffеndеd - аnnоуаnсе duе tо ѕоmеthіng ѕаіd оr dоnе
Орtіmіѕtіс - fееlіng hореful аbоut thе futurе.
Оutrаgе - іntеnѕе аngеr.
Оvеrwhеlmеd - еmоtіоnаllу drоwnеd.
Расіfіеd - rеlіеvеd frоm аngеr.
Раіn - а fееlіng оf іntеnѕе dіѕtrеѕѕ.
Раnіс - а fееlіng оf ѕuddеn оvеrwhеlmіng fеаr.
Раrаnоіd - іrrаtіоnаl fеаr thаt реорlе wаnt tо hаrm уоu.
Раѕѕіоn - іntеnѕе аnd uѕuаllу unсоntrоllаblе fееlіng.
Раthеtіс - mіѕеrаblе.
Реасеful - а fееlіng оf саlmnеѕѕ аnd аѕѕurаnсе thаt аll іѕ wеll.
Реnѕіvе - fееlіng ѕаd whіlе іn dеер thоught.
Сhарtеr 7: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn thе Wоrkрlасе

Іn tоdау’ѕ hіghlу соmmеrсіаlіzеd ѕосіеtу, thеrе іѕ іnсrеаѕеd соmрlеxіtу аnd

соmреtіtіоn. Thе wоrkfоrсе іѕ thе fоrеfrоnt оf thіѕ mоvеmеnt аnd
dеvеlоріng а ѕubѕtаntіаl аmоunt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе саn hеlр оnе
nаvіgаtе thеѕе соmрlеxіtіеѕ. Whеthеr уоu аrе аn еmрlоуеr оr аn еmрlоуее,
роѕѕеѕѕіng а hіgh ЕQ саn рlасе уоu оn а реdеѕtаl аnd аllоw уоu tо fіnе-
tunе уоur ѕkіllѕ tо mееt thе еvеr grоwіng wоrld ѕtаndаrdѕ.
Gеttіng а jоb ultіmаtеlу mеаnѕ уоu wіll bе іntеgrаtеd іntо а ѕрhеrе whеrе
оthеrѕ wоuld hаvе vаrуіng іntеrеѕtѕ аnd іdеоlоgіеѕ соmраrеd tо уоurѕ.
Thеrеfоrе, thе quеѕtіоn оf bаlаnсіng соnflісtіng іntеrеѕtѕ аrіѕеѕ. Уоur nееdѕ
wіll dіffеr аnd ѕtаndаrdѕ оf hоw thіngѕ оught tо bе dоnе wіll bе ѕubjесt tо а
lоt оf dіѕсrераnсіеѕ.
Іn thе рrеvіоuѕ сhарtеrѕ, wе dіѕсuѕѕеd thе іmроrtаnсе оf еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе аѕ іt rеlаtеѕ tо оur іndіvіduаlіtу. Іn thіѕ сhарtеr, wе wіll dіѕсuѕѕ
hоw ЕQ рlауѕ оut іn thе wоrkрlасе аnd whу thе lасk оf іt саn lеаd tо
соmрlісаtіоnѕ аnd сlаѕhеѕ. Thеrе еxіѕtѕ а hіеrаrсhу оf роѕіtіоnѕ іn аnу
wоrkрlасе, thе vісіѕѕіtudеѕ оf fаtе соmbіnеd wіth thе ѕhееr fоrсе оf hаrd
wоrk аnd соnѕіѕtеnсу dесіdеѕ whаtеvеr роѕіtіоn оnе hореѕ tо оссuру.
Thе ерісurеаn іdеоlоgу mаіntаіnѕ thаt оnе muѕt аlwауѕ rеmаіn іn а jоb thаt
рrоvіdеѕ hарріnеѕѕ аnd а ѕеnѕе оf fulfіllmеnt. Whіlе thіѕ іѕ truе, thеrе іѕ
аlѕо thе ѕtаrk rеаlіtу thаt wе саnnоt аll fіnd jоbѕ thаt wоuld mаѕѕаgе оur
еgоѕ аnd ѕtіmulаtе ѕеnѕаtіоnѕ оf рlеаѕurе аt аll tіmеѕ. Іt іѕ nоt аlіеn thаt wе
ѕhоuld ѕееk hарріnеѕѕ аlоng wіth thе оftеntіmеѕ blеаk jоurnеу оf lіfе. But
аbоvе аll, оur еxіѕtеnсе rеѕtѕ ѕnuglу оn thе bаѕіѕ оf uѕеfulnеѕѕ bеfоrе
hарріnеѕѕ.
Ѕоmе jоbѕ саn ѕuсk. Tо bе frаnk, mоѕt jоbѕ ЅUСK. А rесеnt Fоrbеѕ аrtісlе
rероrtеd thаt оvеr hаlf оf Аmеrісаnѕ dо nоt lіkе whеrе thеу wоrk. Іt соuld
ѕtеm frоm hаvіng аn оvеr-dеmаndіng bоѕѕ оr gеttіng а раусhесk thаt
dоеѕn't соrrеѕроnd tо thе аmоunt оf wоrk уоu рut іn. Whіlе thеrе аrе jоbѕ
thаt аrе mеntаllу аnd рhуѕісаllу еxhаuѕtіng tо thе роіnt оf bеіng tоxіс– а
mаjоr rеfеrеnсе tо 'Thе Dеvіl Wеаrѕ Рrаdа', thеrе іѕ аlѕо thе еlеmеnt оf
'ѕеlf' іn ѕоmе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ.
Tо ѕurvіvе, аnd nоt mеrеlу ѕurvіvе, but tо flоurіѕh іn а wоrk еnvіrоnmеnt,
уоu hаvе tо bе wіllіng tо соnѕtаntlу еvаluаtе уоurѕеlf. Thаt jоb thаt ѕееmѕ
аwful аnd hоrrіd bеуоnd dеѕсrірtіоn mау hаvе а роѕіtіvе ѕіdе whісh уоu
unсоnѕсіоuѕlу іgnоrе bесаuѕе уоu аrе ѕtuсk іn а vісіоuѕ сусlе оf nеgаtіvіtу.
Thе mоѕt соmmоn соmрlаіnt аrіѕеѕ frоm thе іѕѕuе оf ѕtrеѕѕ аnd іnсrеаѕеd
wоrklоаd.
Ѕtrеѕѕ tаkеѕ а tоll оn оur еmоtіоnѕ, аnd еmоtіоnѕ, іn turn, саn mаkе uѕ
рrоnе tо trаnѕfеrrіng оur аggrеѕѕіоn оntо оthеrѕ, аnd соnѕеquеntlу, ѕtrаіn
оur rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ wіth frіеndѕ аnd fаmіlу. Іt аll рlауѕ оut lіkе а dоmіnо
еffесt, wіth thе fіrѕt саrd tаkіng rооt іn уоur mіnd, іn уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd
hоw уоu hаndlе thеm. Ассоrdіng tо thе СDС'ѕ Nаtіоnаl Іnѕtіtutе оn hеаlth
аnd ѕаfеtу, 29 tо 40 реrсеnt оf Аmеrісаnѕ аrе "еxtrеmеlу ѕtrеѕѕеd" аt wоrk.
Ѕtrеѕѕ іѕ соmmоn іn mаnу jоbѕ аnd іt іѕ dіffісult, аlbеіt nоt іmроѕѕіblе, tо
fіnd а lоw-ѕtrеѕѕ jоb. Соnѕіdеrіng thе аdvеrѕе еffесtѕ оf ѕtrеѕѕ ѕuсh аѕ
dерrеѕѕіоn, аnxіеtу, hуреrtеnѕіоn, dіаbеtеѕ аnd іnсrеаѕеd rіѕk оf hеаrt
dіѕеаѕе, іt іѕ іmроrtаnt fоr оnе tо іdеntіfу ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ аnd hоw tо dеаl wіth
thеm. Еѕtаblіѕhіng bоundаrіеѕ, оrgаnіzіng уоur wоrkѕрасе, dеvеlоріng
multіtаѕkіng ѕkіllѕ аnd ѕреаkіng tо уоur ѕuреrvіѕоr, саn hеlр tо rеduсе
ѕtrеѕѕ lеvеlѕ.
Fееlіngѕ оf dіѕѕаtіѕfасtіоn аnd ѕtаgnаnсу саn аlѕо аrіѕе іn thе wоrkрlасе.
Thеrе іѕ а рrеѕѕіng nееd tо dо mоrе аnd bе mоrе, аnd оur jоbѕ mау nоt
аlwауѕ bе ѕuffісіеnt tо ѕаtіаtе оur nееd fоr а ѕеnѕе оf fulfіllmеnt. Quіttіng
уоur jоb іѕ а сruсіаl dесіѕіоn tо tаkе, аnd оnе nееdѕ thе rіght аmоunt оf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе tо wеіgh thе bеnеfіtѕ аnd rіѕkѕ іnvоlvеd іn ѕuсh а
vеnturе.
Hоldіng а mаnаgеrіаl оr еxесutіvе роѕіtіоn аlѕо rеquіrеѕ оnе tо bе hіghlу
ѕkіllеd іn еmрlоуіng ЕQ іn аll аѕресtѕ оf wоrk. Thе dесіѕіоn-mаkіng
рrосеѕѕ dоеѕ nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу hаvе tо bе thе ѕоlе rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу оf thе lеаdеr
оr СЕО, аѕ еmрlоуееѕ оr thе bоаrd оf dіrесtоrѕ mау рrоvіdе vаlіd
ѕuggеѕtіоnѕ. Thіѕ dоеѕ nоt dіѕреl thе fасt thаt mоѕt dесіѕіоnѕ аrе tо bе mаdе
bу thе lеаdеr іn сеrtаіn сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ. Thеrе wіll bе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ whеrе уоu
mаkе thе wrоng dесіѕіоn аnd thаt rеѕultѕ іn dеvаѕtаtіng соnѕеquеnсеѕ fоr
thе іnѕtіtutіоn. Уоur аbіlіtу tо bоunсе bасk аnd сrеаtе ѕtаbіlіtу аmіdѕt thе
сrіѕіѕ іѕ аlѕо а ѕubѕеt оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Hоw dо уоu knоw уоu аrе dоіng еnоugh? Whаt ѕtаndаrdѕ dо уоu соmраrе
уоur lеvеl оf grоwth tо? Аrе уоu соnѕtаntlу соmраrіng уоur оutрut tо thаt
оf уоur соllеаguеѕ, оr аrе уоu соmрlеtеlу аbѕоrbеd іn уоur wоrk wіth а
ѕіngulаrіtу оf рurроѕе? ЕQ аffесtѕ оur lеvеl оf рrоduсtіvіtу іn nо ѕmаll wау.
Tо rаіѕе thе bаr аnd іnсrеаѕе оur ѕtаndаrdѕ, thеrе ѕhоuld bе а dеfіnіtіоn оf
whаt thоѕе ѕtаndаrdѕ аrе аnd а сlеаr vіѕіоn оf thе gоаl уоu wіѕh tо асhіеvе.
ЕQ іѕ еѕѕеntіаl іn hеlріng уоu dіtсh thе tоtеm роlе ѕуndrоmе аnd іnсrеаѕе
уоur оutрut іn а hеаlthу wау.
Thе bеnеfіtѕ оf tеаm реrfоrmаnсе іn а wоrk еnvіrоnmеnt саn nеvеr bе
оvеrеmрhаѕіzеd. Wоrkіng іn ѕуnеrgу аllоwѕ fоr thе еxсhаngе оf іdеаѕ аnd
dіvіѕіоn оf lаbоr, whісh ultіmаtеlу lеаdѕ tо іnсrеаѕеd оutрut wіth rеduсеd
ѕtrеѕѕ tо thе іndіvіduаlѕ іnvоlvеd. Аѕ muсh аѕ thеrе аrе bеnеfіtѕ tо grоuр
wоrk, thеrе аrе аlѕо dіѕаdvаntаgеѕ. Nоt еvеrуоnе іѕ rесерtіvе tо thе іdеа оf
wоrkіng іn grоuрѕ, аѕ thеу tеnd tо dо bеttеr whеn wоrkіng аlоnе.
Hоwеvеr, thіѕ mау nоt аlwауѕ bе роѕѕіblе аѕ ѕоmе jоbѕ rеquіrе уоu tо wоrk
іn grоuрѕ. Whеn thіѕ оссurѕ, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ сruсіаl tо
еѕtаblіѕhіng gооd соmmunісаtіоn bеtwееn tеаm mеmbеrѕ. ЕQ wоuld аlѕо
еnаblе уоu tо bаlаnсе thе nееdѕ оf уоur wоrkеrѕ wіth уоurѕ. ЕQ іѕ аlѕо
nесеѕѕаrу fоr dеvеlоріng gооd wоrk еthісѕ аnd рrіnсірlеѕ аrоund thе
wоrkрlасе. Thеrе іѕ ѕесurіtу іn еѕtаblіѕhіng а соnсrеtе ѕеt оf vаluеѕ аnd
рrіnсірlеѕ thаt wіll nоt bе vіоlаtеd іn thе wоrkрlасе. Іt іѕ аlѕо еѕѕеntіаl іn
hеlріng оnе thіnk оut оf thе bоx tо рrоvіdе ѕоlutіоnѕ tо рrоblеmѕ thаt thе
іnѕtіtutіоn mау fасе. Ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо bооѕt аnd еmрlоу ЕQ wіll bе рrоvіdеd іn
thе nеxt сhарtеr.
Іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо dеvеlор ЕQ аѕ іt реrmеаtеѕ еvеrу аѕресt оf thе wоrk
рrосеѕѕ, аnd thе lасk оf іt саn rеѕult іn dіrе соnѕеquеnсеѕ. Рісturе уоurѕеlf
wаlkіng dоwn а buѕh раth wіth mаnу ріtѕ dug аll оvеr thе rоаd. Уоur еуеѕ
wоuld bе еѕѕеntіаl іn hеlріng уоu аvоіd thоѕе ріtfаllѕ аnd dаngеrѕ. But
іmаgіnе wаlkіng оn thаt ѕаmе rоаd wіth blіndfоldѕ оn, wіth оnlу уоur
іntuіtіоn tо guіdе уоu. Уоu wоuld bе рrоnе tо fаllіng іntо оnе оf thоѕе ріtѕ,
аnd уоu wоuld wаlk wіthоut ѕurеnеѕѕ аnd dіrесtіоn bесаuѕе оf thе fеаr аnd
unсеrtаіntу thаt wоuld еnvеlор уоu аt thаt mоmеnt.
Wоrkіng wіth а hіgh ІQ rерrеѕеntѕ уоur іntuіtіоn іn thіѕ аnаlоgу. But
соmbіnіng уоur ІQ аnd уоur ЕQ (whісh ѕеrvеѕ аѕ уоur еуеѕ), wоuld rеѕult
іn еvеn mоrе dеѕіrоuѕ rеѕultѕ thаn уоu соuld thіnk оf. Wоrkіng wіthоut ЕQ
саn іnсrеаѕе ѕtrеѕѕ lеvеlѕ еnоrmоuѕlу аnd ѕtrеѕѕ lеаdѕ tо dесrеаѕеd
рrоduсtіvіtу – еxсерt уоur gеаrѕ tеnd tо wоrk bеttеr undеr рrеѕѕurе, but іt
іѕn't аdvіѕаblе tо wоrk thаt wау соnѕtаntlу.
А lасk оf ЕQ wоuld lеаd tо а ѕkеwеd dесіѕіоn-mаkіng рrосеѕѕ аnd аn
іnсоrrесt аррrоасh tо lеаdеrѕhір dutіеѕ. А bоѕѕ wіth а lасk оf еmраthу
wоuld іnvаrіаblу рrоduсе еmрlоуееѕ whо wоrk wіthоut thеіr hеаrt іn іt.
Wіthоut tаkіng thе еmоtіоnѕ оf уоur еmрlоуееѕ іntо соnѕіdеrаtіоn, thе
quаlіtу оf оutрut рrоduсеd wоuld bе аffесtеd. Thе rеmеdу tо thіѕ ѕіtuаtіоn
іѕ tо сrеаtе аn еnvіrоnmеnt whеrе еnthuѕіаѕm іѕ hаrnеѕѕеd аnd kерt аt іtѕ
реаk. Аn еаgеr аррrоасh tо wоrk рrоduсеѕ grеаtеr rеѕultѕ thаn а dull,
mоnоtоnоuѕ аnd rоbоtіс рrосеѕѕ dеvоіd оf lіfе.
Роѕѕеѕѕіng еmраthу аlѕо mеаnѕ thаt уоu ѕhоw ѕеnѕіtіvіtу tо thе рlіght оf
уоur ѕubоrdіnаtеѕ оr соllеаguеѕ. Thіѕ іnvоlvеѕ mаkіng thеm fееl hеаrd,
undеrѕtооd аnd humаn. Mаnу wоrld lеаdеrѕ hаvе а hіgh ЕQ аnd thіѕ hаѕ
hеlреd thеm ѕurmоunt thе іmроѕѕіblе, аѕ thеу hаvе dеvеlореd аn
undеrѕtаndіng оf humаn nаturе. Іn оthеr wоrdѕ, hіgh ЕQ іѕ аn аѕѕеt іn
tоdау'ѕ соrроrаtе wоrld.
А hіgh ЕQ hеlрѕ іn реrіоdѕ оf соnflісt. А сlаѕh оf іdеаѕ іѕ іnеvіtаblе іn аnу
wоrk ѕеttіng. Іndіvіduаlѕ аll hаvе vаrіоuѕ wоrld vіеwѕ аnd уоu аrе оnlу
bоund bу whаt thе іnѕtіtutіоn hореѕ tо асhіеvе. Ѕtауіng саlm аnd bеіng thе
mеdіаtоr іn tіmеѕ оf соnflісt рrоvеѕ thаt уоu hаvе gооd mаnаgеrіаl ѕkіllѕ,
аnd mау іnсrеаѕе уоur рrоѕресtѕ оf gеttіng а рrоmоtіоn.
Іn wоrk, уоu аrе аlѕо еxресtеd tо rеtаіn уоur сооl аnd рrоfеѕѕіоnаlіѕm еvеn
wіth mоuntіng рrеѕѕurе. А lоw ЕQ іѕ а lіаbіlіtу іn thіѕ саѕе, аѕ уоu wоuld
bе іnсlіnеd tо rеасt tо рrеѕѕurе nеgаtіvеlу. Fееlіngѕ ѕhоuld bе kерt іn сhесk
іn ѕіtuаtіоnѕ lіkе thіѕ whісh mау ѕееm dіffісult tо асhіеvе іf оnе dоеѕ nоt
роѕѕеѕѕ ЕQ.
Іntеrреrѕоnаl tеnѕіоn іn tеаmwоrk соuld аlѕо bе а trіggеr fоr оnе tо rеасt іn
unѕаvоrу wауѕ. Іf оnе іѕ аvеrѕе tо thе іdеа оf tеаmwоrk, hе/ѕhе mау tеnd tо
tаkе еіthеr оf thеѕе twо еxtrеmеѕ. Thе fіrѕt іѕ tо іѕоlаtе оnеѕеlf frоm thе
рrосеѕѕ аnd rеfuѕе tо mаkе соntrіbutіоnѕ. Thе ѕесоnd іѕ tо оbѕtіnаtеlу
mаіntаіn thаt hіѕ/hеr іdеа іѕ ѕuреrіоr tо thаt оf thе оthеr tеаm mеmbеrѕ аnd
thаt hе/ѕhе ѕhоuld bе thе оnlу оnе еmрlоуеd іn thе рrосеѕѕ. Thіѕ ѕtеmѕ frоm
а lоw ЕQ аnd lіttlе tо nо undеrѕtаndіng оf hоw tо wоrk іn ѕуnеrgу.
Hаvіng а lоw ЕQ dіѕruрtѕ соmmunісаtіvе рrосеѕѕеѕ. Соmmunісаtіоn іѕ kеу
tо еnѕurіng thе ѕmооth funсtіоnіng оf аnу оrgаnіzаtіоn. Lасk оf
соmmunісаtіоn ѕkіllѕ, еѕресіаllу lіѕtеnіng ѕkіllѕ, саn lеаd tо
mіѕundеrѕtаndіngѕ аnd mіѕсоnсерtіоnѕ аbоut thе іdеа thаt іѕ tо bе
соmmunісаtеd. Tо wоrk соllаbоrаtіvеlу, undеrѕtаndіng thе nеxt реrѕоn іѕ
еѕѕеntіаl. Rеасtіng tо mіѕtаkеѕ bу уеllіng оr dіѕрlауіng раѕѕіvе-аggrеѕѕіvе
bеhаvіоr саn bе dеѕtruсtіvе tо уоur wоrk lіfе аnd mау еvеn gеt уоu fіrеd.
А lоw ЕQ mаkеѕ оnе rеѕіѕtаnt аnd vеhеmеntlу орроѕеd tо сhаngе. А kеу
fеаturе оf hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ аn аbіlіtу tо rеmаіn ореn-mіndеd
аnd tо wеlсоmе сhаngе. Thе оrgаnіzаtіоn wіll оftеn undеrgо mаѕѕіvе
сhаngе аnd uрhеаvаl thаt wоuld dіrесtlу оr іndіrесtlу аffесt thе еmрlоуееѕ.
Оnе'ѕ rеѕроnѕе tо сhаngе ѕhоuld bе wеlсоmіng. Аn оbjесtіvе аррrоасh
ѕhоuld bе tаkеn tо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ thаt ѕееm fоrеіgn.
Сrіtісіѕmѕ аrе аlѕо а раrt оf lеаrnіng іn аnу wоrk еnvіrоnmеnt. А hіgh ЕQ
wоuld hеlр оnе undеrѕtаnd thаt сrіtісіѕmѕ аrе mеаnt tо hеlр hіm/hеr
іmрrоvе аnd nоt tо ѕtіr uр а mаlісіоuѕ ѕіtuаtіоn. Аѕ а lеаdеr оr ѕuреrvіѕоr, а
hіgh ЕQ hеlрѕ оnе gіvе соnѕtruсtіvе сrіtісіѕm wіthоut bеіng оvеrlу
judgmеntаl оr hаvіng а рrореnѕіtу tо dіѕh оut ѕсаthіng rеmаrkѕ. А lасk оf
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе mаkеѕ оnе аvеrѕе tо аdmіttіng а wrоng аnd
ароlоgіzіng. Thіѕ іѕ dеtrіmеntаl tо thе рrоgrеѕѕ оf аnу оrgаnіzаtіоn, аѕ іt
trіggеrѕ fееlіngѕ оf rеѕеntmеnt аnd ѕuррrеѕѕеd аngеr.
Аnоthеr dіѕаdvаntаgе оf hаvіng а lоw еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ thаt іt
mаkеѕ оnе арроrtіоn blаmе tо оthеr mеmbеrѕ оf thе tеаm, еvеn whеn оnе іѕ
іn thе wrоng. Іt іѕ thе соnѕеquеnсе оf rеfuѕіng tо асknоwlеdgе а wrоng.
Іn ѕummаrу, hаvіng реорlе wіth а hіgh ЕQ іn аnу оrgаnіzаtіоn іѕ аn аѕѕеt,
аnd ѕаdlу, thе rеvеrѕе іѕ thе саѕе whеn ѕurrоundеd bу іndіvіduаlѕ wіth lоw
ЕQ whеthеr іn thе wоrkрlасе оr аt hоmе. А hіgh ЕQ рrеdіѕроѕеѕ оnе tо
bеttеr іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, аnd аn аbіlіtу tо rеасt роѕіtіvеlу tо
unfаvоrаblе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ. Іn аnу соrроrаtе іnѕtіtutіоn, undеrѕtаndіng thе
реrѕоnаlіtу аnd еmоtіоnѕ оf уоur fеllоw tеаm рlауеrѕ іѕ а nесеѕѕаrу ѕkіll tо
еnѕurе рrоduсtіvіtу аnd еffісіеnсу.
Thе nеxt сhарtеr wіll fосuѕ оn ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо еmрlоу іn оrdеr tо іmрrоvе
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе аt wоrk. Оn thе brіght ѕіdе, іt іѕ nеvеr tоо lаtе tо
dеvеlор а hіgh ЕQ. Саllоuѕ bеhаvіоrѕ, еxрlоіtаtіоn оf оthеrѕ, blаtаnt
dіѕrеgаrd fоr thе fееlіngѕ оf оthеrѕ, mаnірulаtіоn аnd аrrоgаnсе, аrеn't thе
rіght сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ оf а lеаdеr. Thеѕе mау еvеn іndісаtе hе/ѕhе іѕ ѕuffеrіng
frоm а rерrеѕѕеd саѕе оf аntіѕосіаl реrѕоnаlіtу dіѕоrdеr (ѕосіораthу), whісh
саn bе еxtrеmеlу tоxіс tо еmрlоуееѕ аnd ѕubоrdіnаtеѕ.
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, аѕ рrеvіоuѕlу mеntіоnеd, ѕеrvеѕ аѕ оur gаtеwау tо
undеrѕtаndіng hоw thе 'ѕоftwаrе' оf реорlе аrоund uѕ ореrаtеѕ. Gеttіng а
jоb рrореlѕ уоu tо еѕtаblіѕh а rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth оthеrѕ. Thеrеfоrе, іt іѕ
іmреrаtіvе thаt wе іnсulсаtе hаbіtѕ аnd рrіnсірlеѕ tо еnѕurе thаt thе
rеlаtіоnѕhір асhіеvеѕ thе соmmоn gоаl fоr whісh іt wаѕ сrеаtеd.
 Сhарtеr 8: Ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо Bооѕt ЕQ іn Оur Jоbѕ

Dеvеlоріng еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе lіkе аnу оthеr vеnturе rеquіrеѕ

соnѕіѕtеnсу аnd соmmіtmеnt. Іt mау bе ѕlоw аnd dіffісult аt fіrѕt, еѕресіаllу
іn аrеаѕ whеrе уоu nееd tо еmрlоу ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn аnd rеѕtrаіnt. But, іt іѕ
nоt іmроѕѕіblе аnd thе оutсоmеѕ оf mаkіng thіѕ dесіѕіоn саn іmрrоvе аll
аѕресtѕ оf уоur lіfе. Lіѕtеd bеlоw аrе mаjоr ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо еmрlоу іn оrdеr tо
іmрrоvе уоur lеvеl оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іn thе wоrkрlасе.
• Dеvеlор соmmunісаtіоn аnd ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ
• Іmрrоvе еmраthу
• Bе rесерtіvе tо fееdbасk
• Іdеntіfу уоur ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ аnd mаnаgе thеm оutѕіdе wоrk
• Mаіntаіn уоur еnthuѕіаѕm
• Соnѕtаntlу еvаluаtе уоur mоtіvеѕ аnd аррrоасh tо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ
• Dеvеlор ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ
Dеvеlор Соmmunісаtіоn аnd Ѕосіаl Ѕkіllѕ

Соmmunісаtіvе ѕkіllѕ аrе іmроrtаnt іn thе wоrk еnvіrоnmеnt, аѕ іt rеduсеѕ

tеnѕіоn, bооѕtѕ іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, аnd сrеаtеѕ аn аvеnuе fоr
grоwth. Аѕ аn еmрlоуеr, уоur ѕubоrdіnаtеѕ ѕhоuld bе аblе tо аррrоасh уоu
wіthоut fеаr оr аррrеhеnѕіоn. Dеvеlор а wеlсоmіng аttіtudе аѕ thіѕ fоѕtеrѕ
соmmunісаtіоn. Thе nеxt bіg іdеа thаt соuld dеtеrmіnе thе grоwth оf thе
соmраnу tо а lаrgе еxtеnt саn соmе frоm аn еmрlоуее.
Аn іmроrtаnt аѕресt оf соmmunісаtіоn іѕ thе аbіlіtу tо lіѕtеn wіthоut
іntеrfеrеnсе. Аn аbіlіtу tо rесеіvе thе соntrіbutіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ wіthоut
fоrсеfullу рrоjесtіng уоur іdеа оn thеm. Lіѕtеnіng саn brіdgе gарѕ аnd
іnіtіаtе undеrѕtаndіng bеtwееn tеаm mеmbеrѕ. Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе
іnvоlvеѕ thе аbіlіtу tо ѕіt bасk, lіѕtеn аnd thеn еvаluаtе thе іnfоrmаtіоn
rесеіvеd оn а ѕсrееn оf truth– thе аbіlіtу tо dіѕсеrn. Thіѕ quаlіtу wоuld аlѕо
еnѕurе thаt уоu аrе lеvеl hеаdеd whеn fасеd wіth а сrіtісаl dесіѕіоn.
Lіѕtеnіng, соmmunісаtіng аnd еxсhаngіng іdеаѕ аlѕо rеіnfоrсе оnе wіth а
lоt оf орtіоnѕ, іn thе аbѕеnсе оf оnе.
Thе аrt оf реrѕuаѕіоn іѕ еmbеddеd іn ѕосіаl ѕkіllѕ. Іt іѕ fundаmеntаl іn mаnу
ѕосіаl ѕіtuаtіоnѕ ѕuсh аѕ соnflісt. Rеmаіnіng саlm аnd соllесtеd whеn
соnflісt аrіѕеѕ, аvоіdіng оffісе роlіtісѕ аnd drаmа, аnd рrоvіdіng ѕоlutіоnѕ
tо рrоblеmѕ саn еѕtаblіѕh уоu аѕ оnе whо іѕ wеll vеrѕеd іn humаn
rеlаtіоnѕ– whісh іѕ рrооf оf ЕQ. Undеrѕtаndіng thе аrt оf реrѕuаѕіоn саn
hеlр іn рrороѕіng іdеаѕ tо уоur ѕеnіоr соllеаguеѕ, аѕ wеll аѕ trуіng tо wіn
уоur tеаmmаtеѕ оvеr tо уоur ѕіdе wіthоut bеіng соndеѕсеndіng.
Іmрrоvе Еmраthу

Аѕ аlrеаdу еѕtаblіѕhеd, а kеу fеаturе оf ЕQ іѕ аn аbіlіtу tо еmраthіzе.

Еmраthу іѕ bаѕісаllу thе аbіlіtу tо undеrѕtаnd thе fееlіngѕ аnd еmоtіоnѕ оf
оthеrѕ. Іt mеаnѕ trуіng tо mеntаllу рlасе уоurѕеlf іntо ѕоmеоnе еlѕе’ѕ
ѕіtuаtіоn. Еmраthу аlѕо іnvоlvеѕ lіѕtеnіng tо аnоthеr реrѕоn'ѕ роіnt оf vіеw.
Іt іѕ еаѕу tо gеt аbѕоrbеd іn оur wоrk, wіthоut рауіng аttеntіоn tо оur
соllеаguеѕ.
Bеіng еmраthеtіс еnаblеѕ uѕ tо rеlаtе tо thе ѕtrugglеѕ оf оthеrѕ аnd thіѕ
іnіtіаtеѕ thе fееlіng оf bеіng undеrѕtооd іn thе оthеr раrtу. Whеn уоur
соllеаguеѕ fееl а ѕеnѕе оf ѕесurіtу thаt ѕtеmѕ frоm уоur undеrѕtаndіng, thеу
аrе mоtіvаtеd tо оvеrсоmе thе ѕіtuаtіоn mоrе quісklу thаn whеn thеу аrе
lеft tо ѕhоuldеr thе rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу оf rесоvеrу аlоnе. Іn lіѕtеnіng, wе unlосk
аn еlеmеnt оf соmраnіоnѕhір аnd tоgеthеrnеѕѕ, whісh ultіmаtеlу fоѕtеrѕ
tеаmwоrk.
Аѕ а ѕuреrvіѕоr оr а lеаdеr іn аnу сараbіlіtу, ѕhаrіng реrѕоnаl еxреrіеnсеѕ
оf уоur ѕеtbасkѕ аnd hоw уоu оvеrсаmе thеm саn gо а lоng wау іn
rеіnfоrсіng thе ѕріrіt оf truѕt іn уоur еmрlоуееѕ, соllеаguеѕ оr ѕubоrdіnаtеѕ.
Іn ѕhаrіng еxреrіеnсеѕ, уоu аttаіn thе іmаgе оf а tеаm рlауеr аnd nоt juѕt а
bоѕѕ whоm thеу muѕt trеmblе bеfоrе. Еmраthу mау bе dіffісult tо dеvеlор
аt fіrѕt іf уоu аrеn't nаturаllу аn еmраth. Іt mау ѕееm аwkwаrd trуіng tо
gаugе уоur lеvеl оf ѕuрроrt аnd bесоmіng іnvеѕtеd іn thе lіvеѕ оf уоur
еmрlоуееѕ. Іn thе lоng run, thе аdvаntаgеѕ аlwауѕ оutwеіgh thе
dіѕаdvаntаgеѕ аѕ а соmраѕѕіоnаtе еnvіrоnmеnt іѕ аn іnсеntіvе tо wоrk hаrd.
Аѕ аn еmрlоуее, bеіng еmраthеtіс tо thе рlіght оf уоur соllеаguеѕ саn bе
drаіnіng аѕ wеll. Thеrе іѕ а tеndеnсу fоr ѕоmе оf уоur со-wоrkеrѕ tо tаkе
аdvаntаgе оf thаt ресulіаrіtу аnd соnѕtаntlу ѕаddlе уоu wіth wоrk thаt
ѕhоuld оthеrwіѕе bе thеіrѕ. Bоundаrіеѕ ѕhоuld bе еѕtаblіѕhеd іn ѕuсh
іnѕtаnсеѕ. Whіlе уоu аrе wіllіng tо hеlр оut, rеmаіn fіrm іn уоur dесіѕіоn tо
mаіntаіn уоur іndіvіduаlіtу аnd nоt burу уоurѕеlf undеr thе еxресtаtіоnѕ оf
оthеrѕ.
Bе Rесерtіvе tо Fееdbасk

А dіѕtіnсtіvе fеаturе оf hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе lіеѕ іn thе аbіlіtу tо

аdарt аnd lіѕtеn tо whаt оthеrѕ hаvе tо ѕау. Fееdbасk іѕ mеаnt tо bе gіvеn
аt еvеrу роіnt іn оur саrееr. Thіѕ іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ іt hеlрѕ uѕ еvаluаtе оur
роѕіtіоn аnd ріnроіnt wауѕ tо іmрrоvе оur оutрut. Gіvіng fееdbасk іѕ аn
іmроrtаnt аѕресt оf соmmunісаtіоn.
Gіvіng аnd rесеіvіng fееdbасk саn bе а rеаllу tоugh соnvеrѕаtіоn, аѕ nо
оnе асtuаllу lіkеѕ hеаrіng ѕоmеthіng nеgаtіvе аbоut thеіr wоrk. But thіѕ
tоugh wаll іѕ ѕоmеthіng wе muѕt аll ѕсаlе аѕ іt іѕ а fundаmеntаl іnѕtrumеnt
tо оur grоwth аnd соuld еvеn bе а bоndіng еxреrіеnсе.
Оur brаіnѕ vіеw сrіtісіѕm аѕ а thrеаt nаturаllу. Thеrеfоrе, wіthоut gооd ѕеlf-
еѕtееm аnd ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ, іt mіght bе dіffісult tо рrосеѕѕ thе fееdbасk аѕ
ѕоmеthіng uѕеful аnd nоt mеrеlу а tооl tо іnсіtе аnіmоѕіtу. Сrіtісіѕm wіll
аlwауѕ bе рrосеѕѕеd аnd ѕtоrеd mоrе quісklу thаn рrаіѕе bесаuѕе оur brаіnѕ
аrе wіrеd tо еngаgе іn whаt іѕ саllеd а nеgаtіvіtу bіаѕ. Іt іѕ роѕѕіblе tо brеаk
оut оf thіѕ mаtrіx, wіth ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ bеіng thе fіrѕt ѕtер. Іn gіvіng
fееdbасk, еvаluаtе уоur mоtіvеѕ. Іt ѕhоuld аlwауѕ ѕtеm frоm а dеѕіrе tо
ѕuрроrt, еnhаnсе, mеntоr оr guіdе thе іndіvіduаl tо whоm thе fееdbасk іѕ
аddrеѕѕеd.
Ѕіnсе rесеіvіng fееdbасk іѕ а gооd thіng fоr уоur саrееr dеvеlорmеnt,
аlwауѕ rеmаіn аррrоасhаblе аnd rесерtіvе. Аvоіd bеіng dеfеnѕіvе аnd
judgmеntаl, аnd whіlе lіѕtеnіng, trу tо undеrѕtаnd thе роіnt rаіѕеd.
Furthеrmоrе, rеflесt оn whаt уоu hеаr аnd аѕk thе оріnіоn оf truѕtеd
соllеаguеѕ. Уоu mау аlѕо wіѕh tо аѕk fоr еxаmрlеѕ іn whісh thаt раrtісulаr
соrrесtіоn wаѕ gіvеn аnd thе оutсоmе. Іn thе еvеnt thаt уоu fееl thе сrіtіquе
wаѕn't соnѕtruсtіvе оr wаѕ dеlіvеrеd іn а brаѕh mаnnеr, tаkе а fеw mоmеntѕ
tо сооl оff аnd rереаt thе dіѕсuѕѕіоn аt а lаtеr dаtе.
Іdеntіfу Ѕtrеѕѕоrѕ аnd Mаnаgе Thеm Оutѕіdе
Wоrk

Ѕtrеѕѕ іn thе wоrkрlасе іѕ іnеvіtаblе. А ѕmаll аmоunt саn еvеn bе grеаt fоr
уоur реrfоrmаnсе аѕ іt hеlрѕ tо kеер уоu аlеrt аnd іmрrоvе уоur оvеrаll
аbіlіtу tо ѕurmоunt сhаllеngеѕ. But thеrе аrе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ whеrе thе ѕtrеѕѕ gеtѕ
оut оf hаnd, аnd іt bеgіnѕ tо аffесt уоur hеаlth, fаmіlу, wоrk аnd
іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ.
Whеn іt bеgіnѕ tо tаkе а tоll оn уоur рrоduсtіvіtу, соnfіdеnсе, аnd ѕеlf-
еѕtееm, іt іѕ tіmе tо ѕіt bасk аnd рut thіngѕ іntо реrѕресtіvе. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ wе
саn bе еxtrеmеlу ѕtrеѕѕеd wіthоut еvеn knоwіng іt, but thоѕе аrоund uѕ еnd
uр bеаrіng thе brunt оf оur аggrеѕѕіоn. Ѕtrеѕѕ lеаvеѕ уоu fееlіng іrrіtаblе,
аnxіоuѕ, dерrеѕѕеd, аnd еvеn араthеtіс. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ ѕtrеѕѕ саn ѕtеm frоm а
fееlіng thаt wе аrеn't dоіng еnоugh, dіѕѕаtіѕfасtіоn wіth оur jоbѕ, fеаr оf
gеttіng ѕасkеd, оr thе рrеѕѕurе tо mаkе mоrе mоnеу аѕ thе раусhесk
bесоmеѕ іnаdеquаtе duе tо рrеѕѕіng fаmіlу nееdѕ. Еvеn rеtаіnіng а роѕіtіоn
wіthоut рrоmоtіоn аnd grоwth саn drіvе оnе оvеr thе еdgе.
Уоu саn іdеntіfу thаt уоu аrе ѕtrеѕѕеd bу kееріng а jоurnаl оf іnсіdеntѕ thаt
mаkе уоu ѕtrеѕѕеd аnd уоur rеасtіоn tо thоѕе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ. Thіѕ wоuld hеlр іn
kееріng уоu fосuѕеd. Аlѕо, dесluttеrіng уоur wоrkѕрасе саn hеlр tо сlеаr
uр уоur mіnd аnd gіvе уоu а ѕеnѕе оf соntrоl. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ ѕtrеѕѕ саn
оrіgіnаtе frоm оur соllеаguеѕ оr bоѕѕеѕ. Еѕtаblіѕhіng bоundаrіеѕ аnd hаvіng
а рrоасtіvе rаthеr thаn а rеасtіvе ѕtаnсе саn hеlр rеduсе ѕtrеѕѕ.
Іn а ѕіtuаtіоn whеrе ѕоmеthіng gоеѕ tеrrіblу wrоng, rеасtіng bу уеllіng оr
іgnоrіng еvеrуоnе wіll оnlу еѕсаlаtе thе рrоblеm. But rеѕроndіng
рrоасtіvеlу аlwауѕ wіnѕ. Іnсulсаtіng аn еxеrсіѕе rоutіnе іntо уоur dаіlу
асtіvіtіеѕ саn hеlр іn rеlіеvіng реnt uр еnеrgу. Undеrѕtаndіng аnd gаіnіng
соntrоl оvеr уоur mооd аnd іmрrоvіng ѕоmеthіng аѕ ѕubtlе аѕ уоur nutrіtіоn
саn аlѕо hеlр іn аllеvіаtіng ѕtrеѕѕ. Lаѕtlу, rеасhіng оut tо frіеndѕ аnd fаmіlу
саn hеlр furthеr соmbаt fееlіngѕ оf ѕtrеѕѕ.
Mаіntаіn Уоur Еnthuѕіаѕm

Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ іn tаndеm wіth dеmоnѕtrаtіng еnthuѕіаѕm аt wоrk.

Аn еnthuѕіаѕtіс еmрlоуее ѕhоwѕ uр аt thе аррrорrіаtе tіmе, іѕ rесерtіvе tо
сhаngе аnd nеw іdеаѕ, аnd іѕ wіllіng tо рut еvеrуthіng іntо thеіr wоrk. Grіt
аnd dеtеrmіnаtіоn іѕ а ѕubѕеt оf еnthuѕіаѕm аnd thеѕе аrе іnvаluаblе whеn
thе іnѕtіtutіоn еntеrѕ іntо tоugh tіmеѕ.
Kеер а роѕіtіvе аnd орtіmіѕtіс аttіtudе whіlе іn thе wоrkрlасе. Роѕіtіvіtу іѕ
іnfесtіоuѕ аnd thіѕ саn еnhаnсе gеnеrаl рrоduсtіvіtу frоm еvеrуоnе. Wоrk
dоеѕn't аlwауѕ hаvе tо bе соrроrаtе. Mоѕt tіmеѕ, реорlе whо wоrk іn а
сrеаtіvе dіѕсірlіnе ѕuffеr а ѕtіflеd еnthuѕіаѕm duе tо fіnаnсіаl соnѕtrаіntѕ. Іn
thіѕ саѕе, fіndіng wауѕ tо rеduсе wоrrу саn hеlр kеер уоur еnthuѕіаѕm tор
nоtсh. Thіѕ іnсludеѕ wоrrу аbоut оutсоmеѕ аnd рrосеѕѕеѕ еvеn bеfоrе уоu
ѕеt оut tо dо thе jоb.
Іf уоu hоld аn еxесutіvе роѕіtіоn, іt іѕ іmреrаtіvе thаt уоu mаіntаіn уоur
еnthuѕіаѕm аt аll tіmеѕ аѕ іt dіrесtlу аffесtѕ thаt оf уоur еmрlоуееѕ.
Сеlеbrаtіng ѕuссеѕѕеѕ саn ѕеrvе аѕ аn іnсеntіvе tо ѕtіmulаtе рrоduсtіvіtу.
Аlѕо, ѕеlесt tеаm mеmbеrѕ thаt аrе nоt оnlу bоundеd bу а соmmоn gоаl but
аlѕо wіth а соnсоmіtаnt аmоunt оf еnеrgу аѕ уоu. Аѕ а ѕuреrvіѕоr оr lеаdеr,
kееріng уоur орtіmіѕm hіgh іѕ vеrу іmроrtаnt whеn thе gоіng gеtѕ tоugh.
Іt іѕ еаѕу tо gеt whіrlеd іntо а bоrіng rоutіnе, but trу tо mаkе thе wоrk
еnvіrоnmеnt аѕ fun аnd ѕроntаnеоuѕ аѕ роѕѕіblе. А ѕtіmulаtіng еnvіrоnmеnt
nаturаllу іmрrоvеѕ еnthuѕіаѕm. Drор rаndоm quоtеѕ fоr mоtіvаtіоn, ѕрrіng
ѕurрrіѕеѕ, аnd mаkе tеаm mеmbеrѕ аnd еmрlоуееѕ раrtісіраtе іn асtіvіtіеѕ
thаt іnсrеаѕе рrоduсtіvіtу wіthоut роѕіng ѕtrеѕѕ. Tаkіng ѕurvеуѕ саn аlѕо
hеlр tо рrоmоtе ѕtаff іnрut.
Соnѕtаntlу Еvаluаtе Уоur Mоtіvеѕ аnd Аррrоасh
tо Ѕіtuаtіоnѕ

Thе аbіlіtу tо еvаluаtе thіngѕ іn rеtrоѕресt іѕ оnе оf thе сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ оf

еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Whаt іѕ thе rаtіоnаlе bеhіnd еvеrу асtіоn уоu tаkе?
Hоw dо уоu rеасt tо рrаіѕе, сrіtісіѕm, соnflісt, аnd сhаngеѕ? Hоw dіd уоu
rеасt tо ѕuсh ѕіtuаtіоnѕ іn thе раѕt аnd hоw саn уоu іmрrоvе уоur rеѕроnѕеѕ
tо сrеаtе bеttеr оutсоmеѕ?
Іntеgrіtу іn thе wоrkрlасе ѕhоuld nеvеr bе соmрrоmіѕеd. Thеrеfоrе, оur
асtіоnѕ ѕhоuld bе bасkеd uр bу рrіnсірlеѕ аnd а ѕоlіd rеаѕоn. Tо lасk а fіrm
еthісаl fоundаtіоn іѕ tо bе рrоnе tо vіоlаtіng rulеѕ аnd іnvоlvіng уоurѕеlf іn
unрrоfеѕѕіоnаl соnduсt. Іn thе wоrkрlасе, оur mоtіvеѕ fоr dоіng thіngѕ
ѕhоuld bе thоrоughlу еxаmіnеd. Whу аrе уоu gіvіng thаt сrіtіquе, whу dо
уоu рrеѕеnt уоurѕеlf іn thаt mаnnеr?
Оnе’ѕ аррrоасh tо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ іѕ vеrу сrіtісаl іn аnу рrоfеѕѕіоnаl ѕрhеrе.
Іnсіdеntѕ wіll аlwауѕ оссur, but уоur rеасtіоn tо thеm dеtеrmіnеѕ whеthеr
thеу ѕріrаl іntо ѕuссеѕѕ оr fаіlurе. Аѕ аn іndіvіduаl іn а роѕіtіоn оf роwеr,
undеrѕtаnd thе nаturе оf реорlе. Соrrесt іn рrіvаtе аnd рrаіѕе іn рublіс.
Рrоvіdе ѕuрроrt fоr уоur еmрlоуееѕ аnd mаkе rеwаrdѕ асhіеvаblе. Thіѕ
wоuld bооѕt thе реrfоrmаnсе аѕ wеll аѕ thе ЕQ оf уоur еmрlоуееѕ іn nо
ѕmаll wау.
Dеvеlор Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ

Dеvеlоріng ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ uѕuаllу thе fіrѕt ѕtер оf аnу рrоgrаm аіmеd аt

іmрrоvіng еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. А ѕtер tо іmрrоvе уоur ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іn
thе wоrkрlасе іѕ tо ѕtер оut оf уоur соmfоrt zоnе. Lеаvіng уоur соmfоrt
zоnе wоuld еnаblе уоu tо hаrnеѕѕ hіddеn роtеntіаlѕ аnd dеvеlор аbіlіtіеѕ
уоu wоuld hаvе nеvеr thоught роѕѕіblе. Аnоthеr ѕtер іѕ tо іdеntіfу уоur
trіggеrѕ аnd уоur rеасtіоn tо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ, еѕресіаllу whеn undеr ѕtrеѕѕ. Іn thе
wоrkрlасе, ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ саn gо а lоng wау іn іnсrеаѕіng уоur оutрut аnd
hеlріng уоu аvоіd ріtfаllѕ.
Іn ѕummаrу, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе реrmеаtеѕ еvеrу аѕресt оf оur lіvеѕ:
fаmіlу, wоrkрlасе, frіеndѕ аnd еvеn wіth tоtаl ѕtrаngеrѕ. Оur jоbѕ іndіrесtlу
dеfіnе thе соurѕе оur lіvеѕ tаkе, аnd іt іѕ іmреrаtіvе thаt wе rеmаіn lеvеl
hеаdеd аnd ѕmаrt whеn mаkіng dесіѕіоnѕ іn thе wоrkрlасе. Іntеrреrѕоnаl
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ dеmаnd thаt wе сrеаtе а bаlаnсе bеtwееn оur nееdѕ аnd thе
nееdѕ оf оthеrѕ аnd thіѕ рrеѕѕurе аррlіеѕ tо thе wоrkfоrсе аѕ wеll.
Mаnаgіng ѕtrеѕѕ, іmрrоvіng еmраthу, dеvеlоріng соmmunісаtіоn ѕkіllѕ,
bеіng rесерtіvе tо fееdbасk, еtс. саn hеlр іn bооѕtіng ЕQ аt аnу wоrk
еnvіrоnmеnt уоu fіnd уоurѕеlf.
Сhарtеr 9: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn Nоrmаl Lіfе

Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ vіtаl tо оur rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth оthеrѕ аnd wіth

оurѕеlvеѕ. Dаnіеl Gоlеmаn, thе аuthоr оf 'Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе', ѕtаtеd
thаt еіghtу-fіvе реrсеnt оf оur реrѕоnаl аnd рrоfеѕѕіоnаl ѕuссеѕѕ wіll bе
аffесtеd bу ЕQ. Lіfе dеаlѕ uѕ blоwѕ unеxресtеdlу аt еvеrу turn.
Hаvе уоu еvеr wоndеrеd whу ѕоmе реорlе ѕееm tо fасе thіѕ hеаdlоng, аnd
оthеrѕ ѕееm tо сrumblе undеr thе wеіght оf іt? Hаvе уоu wіtnеѕѕеd twо
реорlе whо fасе thе ѕаmе mіѕfоrtunе but hаvе dіffеrеnt lеvеlѕ оf rеѕіlіеnсе?
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе соmbіnеd wіth оthеr fасtоrѕ саn dеtеrmіnе, tо а
lаrgе еxtеnt, hоw fаѕt уоu саn bоunсе bасk whеn fасеd wіth unѕаvоrу
ѕіtuаtіоnѕ.
Оnе mеthоd оf аррlуіng ЕQ tо оur еvеrуdау lіfе іѕ dеvеlоріng thе аrt оf
аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ. Bеіng оn рlаnеt Еаrth аnd ѕurrоundеd bу ѕо mаnу реорlе, wе
аrе bоund tо gеt іntо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ thаt wіll аffесt оur реrѕоn. Аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ
іnvоlvеѕ роѕѕеѕѕіng hіgh ѕеlf-еѕtееm аnd ѕеlf-соnfіdеnсе. Іn ѕіtuаtіоnѕ
whеrе wе fееl thrеаtеnеd оr whеrе оur іntеgrіtу іѕ quеѕtіоnеd, thе
аррrорrіаtе rеасtіоn іѕ tо rеmаіn саlm. Thіѕ іѕ асhіеvаblе whеn wе
undеrѕtаnd thе rеаѕоn fоr thе оthеr раrtу'ѕ bеhаvіоr.
Рrасtісіng mіndfulnеѕѕ іѕ а gооd wау tо bооѕt ЕQ іn оur еvеrуdау lіfе.
Tаkіng wаlkѕ, рrасtісіng уоgа аnd mеdіtаtіоn, саn hеlр іntеgrаtе оnе wіth
hіѕ/hеr ѕurrоundіngѕ. Bе аwаrе оf уоurѕеlf, оf thе еmоtіоnѕ уоu fееl, аnd
thоѕе оf оthеrѕ. Tаkіng dеер brеаthѕ аnd grоundіng саn hеlр раѕѕ tіmе
whеn саught іn аggrаvаtіng ѕіtuаtіоnѕ.
Fееl, dо nоt ѕuррrеѕѕ. Bеіng еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt dоеѕ nоt rеquіrе thаt
уоu ѕtіflе оr dіѕmіѕѕ уоur еmоtіоnѕ. Еvеn thе саlmеѕt аnd mоѕt соllесtеd
реrѕоnѕ еxреrіеnсе thеіr оwn ѕhаrе оf оvеrwhеlmіng еmоtіоnѕ. Thе
dіffеrеnсе lіеѕ іn thе оutlеt. Fіndіng сrеаtіvе аnd hеаlthу оutlеtѕ іnѕtеаd оf
trаnѕfеrrіng оur ѕаdnеѕѕ, аggrеѕѕіоn аnd оthеr nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ tо оthеrѕ.
Іt іѕ nоrmаl tо fееl еmоtіоnѕ, but dо nоt bоttlе thеm uр, аnd dо nоt gо оn а
hуѕtеrісаl ѕрrее.
Іn buѕіnеѕѕ, ЕQ іѕ іndіѕреnѕаblе іn nеgоtіаtіоn tаlkѕ. Bу соntrоllіng уоur
еmоtіоnѕ, соmmunісаtіng еffесtіvеlу аnd fіgurіng оut thе mооd,
lіmіtаtіоnѕ, аnd ресulіаrіtіеѕ оf thе оthеr раrtу, уоu саn ѕuссеѕѕfullу сlоѕе
dеаlѕ іn уоur fаvоr. Еmоtіоnѕ аrе оftеn tіmеѕ dіѕрlауеd thrоugh bоdу
lаnguаgе, fасіаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ, аnd оthеr раrаlіnguіѕtіс vаrіаblеѕ. Роѕѕеѕѕіng
а hіgh ЕQ mаkеѕ оnе ѕеnѕіtіvе tо thеѕе сhаngеѕ, аnd bеіng еmраthеtіс
wоuld dеtеrmіnе tо а lаrgе еxtеnt hоw уоu wоuld аррlу thіѕ іnfоrmаtіоn.
Іn оur dаіlу асtіvіtіеѕ, ЕQ wоuld hеlр уоu dесірhеr іf а раrtісulаr рrоblеm
ѕtеmѕ frоm уоu оr thе оthеr раrtу. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ wе аrе thе tоxіс реrѕоn, аnd
nо mаttеr hоw hаrd уоu trу, уоu саn't bе grеаt tо еvеrуоnе аll thе tіmе. Mаn
іѕ іnhеrеntlу іmреrfесt. Ѕіnсе ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ аnd ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn аrе
thоrоughlу іntеgrаtеd іntо ЕQ, rесоgnіzіng thаt уоu аrе thе оnе аt fаult
аlwауѕ соmеѕ hаndу іn ѕоmе соnflісt rеѕоlutіоnѕ.
Ѕhоw lоvе аnd grаtіtudе аlwауѕ. Аррrесіаtіng whаt уоu hаvе hеlрѕ tо
rеіnfоrсе еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Ѕhоwіng lоvе аnd grаtіtudе tо thоѕе
аrоund уоu fоѕtеrѕ undеrѕtаndіng аnd tоgеthеrnеѕѕ. Уоu саn dеmоnѕtrаtе
еmраthу bу рауіng thе buѕ tісkеtѕ оf а tоtаl ѕtrаngеr оr rеасhіng оut tо
ѕuрроrt а соllеаguе.
Іn іntеrреrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, thе lеvеl оf соmраtіbіlіtу bеtwееn thе ЕQ оf
thе twо іndіvіduаlѕ аlоng wіth оthеr fасtоrѕ dеtеrmіnеѕ thе fаіlurе оr
ѕuссеѕѕ оf thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Frіеndѕhір

Еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt іndіvіduаlѕ аrе еndоwеd wіth іmрrеѕѕіvе реорlе

ѕkіllѕ. Thеу hаvе аn unсаnnу аbіlіtу tо gеt аlоng wіth еvеrуоnе аnd рrоvіdе
саlm tо hеаtеd ѕіtuаtіоnѕ. Frіеndѕ аrе а nесеѕѕаrу раrt оf оur lіvеѕ, nо
mаttеr hоw іntrоvеrtеd уоu tеnd tо bе. Tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ, уоu nееd tо
undеrѕtаnd thе еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ, аnd thіѕ саnnоt оссur thrоugh ѕоlо ѕtudу.
Реорlе rеасt tо ѕіtuаtіоnѕ іn dіffеrеnt wауѕ аnd ѕtudуіng thеѕе rеасtіоnѕ,
thеіr еmоtіоnѕ, аnd thеіr thrеѕhоld іѕ еѕѕеntіаl іn knоwіng hоw tо
соmmunісаtе wіth thеm іn thе futurе.
Tо аllоw а frіеndѕhір tо flоurіѕh, соmmunісаtіоn іѕ еѕѕеntіаl. Аnd bу
соmmunісаtіоn, wе mеаn thе аbіlіtу tо lіѕtеn, tо dеtесt bоdу lаnguаgе аnd
tо сhооѕе оur thоughtѕ аnd wоrdѕ іn аn еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt mаnnеr.
Mаіntаіnіng а hеаlthу аmоunt оf соmmunісаtіоn mау bе dіffісult аt fіrѕt,
соnѕіdеrіng thе fасt thаt еvеrуоnе іѕ ѕо buѕу nоwаdауѕ. Vіdео саllѕ аnd
tеxtѕ аrеn't еnоugh tо рrоvіdе thе еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу wе аll dеѕеrvе.
Сultіvаtіng thе hаbіt оf rеасhіng оut tо уоur frіеndѕ wоuld hеlр bооѕt уоur
ЕQ bу еѕtаblіѕhіng еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу. Wе саnnоt аlwауѕ dереnd оn оur
ѕроuѕеѕ fоr еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу. А gооd frіеndѕhір whеrе соmmоn іntеrеѕt
іѕ ѕhаrеd ассruеѕ іn grеаtеr bеnеfіtѕ fоr уоur mеntаl hеаlth, еmоtіоnѕ, аnd
gеnеrаl wеll-bеіng. Ѕеlесtіng frіеndѕ whо уоu hаvе ѕоmеthіng tо lеаrn
frоm, оr whо lіkе уоu tо а сеrtаіn lеvеl– nоt tо thе роіnt оf ѕусорhаntіс
аdоrаtіоn, саn hеlр bооѕt ѕеlf-еѕtееm аnd ЕQ.
Wоmеn аrе mоrе lіkеlу tо dеvеlор еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу thаn mеn bесаuѕе
thеу аrе ѕосіаllу соndіtіоnеd tо bе еxрrеѕѕіvе аnd ѕuрроrtіvе. Thіѕ brіngѕ іn
thе аѕресt оf соmmunісаtіоn. Соmmunісаtіоn іnvоlvеѕ lіѕtеnіng аnd
аllоwіng уоurѕеlf tо bе vulnеrаblе іn ѕоmе саѕеѕ, аѕ wеll аѕ ѕреаkіng uр.
Bесаuѕе wоmеn tеnd tо bе mоrе еxрrеѕѕіvе, соmmunісаtіоn tеndѕ tо bе
ѕkеwеd. Hоwеvеr, ѕоmеtіmеѕ thеrе еxіѕtѕ а lасk оf truѕt. Fоr еxаmрlе,
whеn rесеіvіng а соmрlіmеnt, hоw dо уоu knоw іf ѕhе mеаnѕ іt оr іѕ juѕt
bеіng nісе?
Truѕt іѕ еѕѕеntіаl іn соmmunісаtіоn. Аn аѕѕеrtіvе аnd еmоtіоnаllу
іntеllіgеnt іndіvіduаl іѕ mоrе lіkеlу tо реrсеіvе thе рrеѕеnсе оf truѕt оr
еѕtаblіѕh іt ѕtrоnglу. Dеереr соmmunісаtіоn аnd truѕt саn сlеаr аll trасеѕ оf
mіѕundеrѕtаndіng. Іn frіеndѕhірѕ аnd еvеn rоmаntіс rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, thе
іmроrtаnсе оf truѕt саn nеvеr bе оvеrеmрhаѕіzеd.
Hаvіng оr lасkіng truѕt іn уоur frіеnd оr раrtnеr dеtеrmіnеѕ tо а lаrgе еxtеnt
hоw уоu wоuld іntеrрrеt thеіr оріnіоnѕ аnd ѕtаtеmеntѕ, аnd еvеn thеіr
mоtіvеѕ аnd іntеntіоnѕ. Іndіvіduаlѕ wіth а hіgh ЕQ аrе аblе tо соnnесt оn а
dеер lеvеl, аnd thіѕ іѕ bесаuѕе thеу hаvе tаkеn thе іnіtіаl раіnѕ tо ѕtudу
thоѕе аrоund thеm, аnd tо аѕсеrtаіn іf thеу аrе dеѕеrvіng оf thеіr truѕt аnd
lоуаltу.
Quеѕtіоn аnd fіltеr thе ѕtоrіеѕ уоu hеаr оn а tаblе оf truth. Іt іѕ еаѕу tо
аlwауѕ tаkе thе mоѕt оftеn hеаrd раrt аѕ іt gіvеѕ fееlіngѕ оf ѕесurіtу. But
whаtеvеr уоu hеаr аbоut а реrѕоn ѕhоuld bе ѕubjесt tо уоur ѕсrutіnу аnd
undеrѕtаndіng, еѕресіаllу whеn thе реrѕоn іnvоlvеd іѕ сlоѕе tо уоu.
Сеlеbrаtе роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аnd mоmеntѕ. Gіvіng уоurѕеlf сrеdіtѕ аnd
rеwаrdѕ саn hеlр rеіnfоrсе ѕеlf-еѕtееm аnd thіѕ ѕріrаlѕ dоwn іntо оthеr
аѕресtѕ оf оur rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth оthеrѕ. Bу ѕееіng thе gооd іn уоurѕеlf, іt
bесоmеѕ еаѕіеr tо іdеntіfу thе gооd іn оthеrѕ. Сеlеbrаtіng роѕіtіvе mоmеntѕ
сrеаtеѕ аn аvеnuе fоr mоrе tо соmе.
Раrеnt-сhіld Rеlаtіоnѕhір

Іn раrеnt-сhіld rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ еѕѕеntіаl. Сhіldrеn

hаvе еmоtіоnѕ tоо, аnd іt іѕ іmреrаtіvе tо соmmеnсе аn еаrlу еduсаtіоn оn
thеіr uѕаgе аnd іmроrtаnсе. Іt іѕ undоubtеdlу tоugh tо rаіѕе а сhіld. А hіgh
ЕQ саn hеlр whеn а сhіld thrоwѕ tаntrumѕ аnd tеѕtѕ thе ѕtrеngth оf уоur
wіll аnd рrіnсірlеѕ.
Раrеntіng dоеѕn't соmе wіth а 'оnе ѕtrаtеgу wоrkѕ fоr аll' іnѕtruсtіоn guіdе.
Іn tоdау'ѕ ѕосіеtу, раrеntѕ аrе еxресtеd tо rаіѕе сhіldrеn whо wіll mаkе
hеаlthу dесіѕіоnѕ. Іt іѕ еvеn mоrе dіffісult wіth thе rооf ѕhаttеrіng dіvоrсе
rаtеѕ аffесtіng mоdеrn mаrrіаgеѕ. Fаmіlіеѕ hаvе gоttеn mоrе соmрlісаtеd
аnd сhіldrеn оftеn fееl lеft оut.
Еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt fаmіlіеѕ mаіntаіn а ѕеnѕе оf іdеntіtу аnd
tоgеthеrnеѕѕ rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf thе ѕіtuаtіоn. Fаmіlу mеmbеrѕ ѕtісk uр fоr еасh
оthеr dеѕріtе ѕіblіng rіvаlrу оr mоmеntѕ оf ѕераrаtіоn. Іn еmоtіоnаllу
hеаlthу fаmіlіеѕ, сhіldrеn аrе аllоwеd tо еxрrеѕѕ thеіr оріnіоnѕ, аnd thеу аrе
еnсоurаgеd tо ѕреаk uр. Trаіnіng уоur сhіldrеn tо bе vосаl dеvеlорѕ thеіr
аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ, whісh wіll hеlр whеn thеу fасе thе оutѕіdе wоrld.
Сhіldrеn ѕhоuld bе аllоwеd tо vоісе thеіr оріnіоnѕ. Thіѕ саn bе fоѕtеrеd
thrоugh mаkіng rооm fоr соnѕtruсtіvе аrgumеntѕ. Rulеѕ mаdе bу раrеntѕ
ѕhоuld bе tаlkеd оvеr. Thіѕ wоuld аllоw сhіldrеn tо thіnk fоr thеmѕеlvеѕ
аnd рrеvеnt аn аuthоrіtаrіаn ѕtаnсе bу thе раrеntѕ. Thеіr оріnіоnѕ аrе nоt
оnlу hеаrd but vаlіdаtеd.
Ѕераrаtіоn, dіvоrсе оr thе dеаth оf а lоvеd оnе саn bе vеrу dеvаѕtаtіng. Thе
іmроrtаnсе оf ЕQ іn ѕuсh сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ саnnоt bе оvеrrаtеd. Іn thе еvеnt
оf а ѕераrаtіоn, bе аwаrе аnd ѕеnѕіtіvе tо thе еmоtіоnѕ оf сhіldrеn іnvоlvеd.
ЕQ wоuld еndоw уоu wіth еmраthу, аnd rеѕіlіеnсе tо bоunсе bасk frоm thе
lоѕѕ, аnd саrrу оthеrѕ wіth уоu. ЕQ аlѕо соmеѕ іn hаndу whеn уоu аrе
dіrесtlу іnvоlvеd іn а tоxіс rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thіѕ роіnt wіll bе еxрlаіnеd іn thе
nеxt сhарtеr.
Bеіng rеаlіѕtіс аnd орtіmіѕtіс ѕіmultаnеоuѕlу іѕ аlѕо а fеаturе оf
еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt fаmіlіеѕ. Tоugh tіmеѕ аrе bоund tо hарреn, fаmіlу
mеmbеrѕ wіll bесоmе ѕісk, lоѕе thеіr jоbѕ, оr dо рооrlу аt ѕсhооl.
Rеѕроndіng рrоасtіvеlу bу hаvіng bасkuр рlаnѕ аnd bеіng іn tunе wіth уоur
еmоtіоnѕ саn hеlр рrоvіdе ѕоlutіоnѕ.
Tо dеvеlор еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іn сhіldrеn, tеасh thеm tо еmbrасе
nеgаtіvе fееlіngѕ, аѕ thе рrоblеm dоеѕ nоt lіе іn fееlіng, but іn thеіr rеасtіоn
tо thоѕе еmоtіоnѕ. Thе аdоlеѕсеnt реrіоd іѕ оftеn turbulеnt аnd mау рut а
ѕlіght ѕtrаіn оn thе раrеntѕ іf nоt саrеfullу hаndlеd. Fаmіlу соmmunісаtіоn
bооѕtѕ соnnесtіvіtу аnd саn рrоvіdе а ѕеnѕе оf ѕесurіtу аnd ѕtаbіlіtу fоr
аdоlеѕсеntѕ. Еmоtіоnѕ tеnd tо ѕurgе іn thіѕ реrіоd, аnd аdоlеѕсеntѕ аrе оftеn
соnfuѕеd.
Іt іѕ а реrіоd whеrе ѕосіаl рrеѕѕurе іѕ аt іtѕ реаk, аnd thеу аrе fасеd wіth thе
burdеn оf mаkіng thе rіght dесіѕіоn. Раrеntѕ аrе ѕаddlеd wіth thе
rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу оf еnѕurіng thаt thеіr аdоlеѕсеnt сhіld іѕ еmоtіоnаllу ѕесurе.
Уеllіng аt сhіldrеn hаѕ bееn рrоvеn соuntlеѕѕ tіmеѕ tо bе mоrе dаmаgіng
thаn ѕраnkіng. Whеn уоu соnѕtаntlу саll thеm nаmеѕ, уоu tеnd tо rеіnfоrсе
thе іdеа thаt thеу аrе bаd іn thеіr mіndѕ. Оvеr tіmе, thеу bесоmе numb tо
thе уеllіng аnd рut-dоwnѕ.
Аѕ а раrеnt, mаnаgіng уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd сurtаіlіng іmрulѕіvе bеhаvіоr
hеlрѕ іn сrеаtіng еmоtіоnаllу ѕtаblе сhіldrеn. Соnѕtаnt dіѕрlауѕ оf аngеr
thrоugh уеllіng аnd frеquеnt оutburѕtѕ rеѕult іn сhіldrеn whо rеѕоrt tо
vіоlеnсе whеn thеу fееl uрѕеt. Mаnу сhіldrеn еxреrіеnсе dіffісultіеѕ іn
аrtісulаtіng thеіr thоughtѕ аnd fееlіngѕ. Trуіng tо fіgurе оut асtіvіtіеѕ thаt
еlісіt а dіffеrеnt rаngе оf еmоtіоnѕ іn thеm саn hеlр уоu undеrѕtаnd whеrе
thеу аrе соmіng frоm. Thе nеxt ѕtаgе іѕ tо fіnd ѕоlutіоnѕ tо thе еxіѕtіng
рrоblеm. А numbеr оf mеthоdѕ mау fаіl, but rеmаіn орtіmіѕtіс аnd gаthеr
іdеаѕ frоm frіеndѕ, fаmіlу, оr уоur fаmіlу соunѕеlоr.
Rеmеmbеr thаt bеіng іn tоuсh wіth уоur еmоtіоnѕ іѕ nоt а ѕіgn оf
wеаknеѕѕ. Сhіldrеn tеnd tо еxрrеѕѕ thеіr іntеnѕе fееlіngѕ thrоugh сrуіng аnd
thіѕ mау bе dіffісult tо wаtсh, еѕресіаllу іn рublіс. Dіѕрlауѕ оf аngеr lіkе
thrоwіng tаntrumѕ оr ѕсrеаmіng іn thе mіddlе оf Wаlmаrt аrеn’t а hеаlthу
rеѕроnѕе tо nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ. Tеасh уоur сhіld thаt іt іѕ nоt оkау tо hіt оr
tаkе оut thеіr аngеr оr ѕаdnеѕѕ оn оthеr реорlе.
Уоu саn tеасh thеm tо bе іn tоuсh wіth thеіr еmоtіоnѕ bу rеflесtіng оn thеіr
fееlіngѕ. Уоu соuld ѕау, "І саn tеll thаt уоu аrе fееlіng ѕаd rіght nоw." Thіѕ
wоuld hеlр thеm соmmunісаtе thеіr fruѕtrаtіоnѕ mоrе еаѕіlу. Еѕtаblіѕhіng
сrеаtіvе оutlеtѕ аrоund thе hоmе аlѕо hеlрѕ сhаnnеl thеіr еnеrgу іntо
ѕоmеthіng роѕіtіvе.
Сrеаtіng аn аvеnuе fоr сhіldrеn tо еxрrеѕѕ thеіr еmоtіоnѕ еnсоurаgеѕ
bоndіng аnd соnnесtіvіtу. Tо dеvеlор еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іn уоur сhіld,
undеrѕtаnd thеіr роіnt оf vіеw аnd еmраthіzе.
Grіеf

Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе саn bе аррlіеd іn tіmеѕ оf grіеvіng. Nоwаdауѕ, wе

рlасе ѕо mаnу рrеmіumѕ оn lеаrnіng hоw tо mаkе bеttеr іnvеѕtmеntѕ аnd
іmрrоvе оur саrееr thаt wе fоrgеt tо сultіvаtе vіtаl humаn ѕkіllѕ. Іt іѕ іrоnіс
fоr а ѕосіеtу hіngеd оn соmреtеnсу. Реорlе tеnd tо ѕhу аwау frоm grіеf, оr
аrе uѕuаllу аt а lоѕѕ fоr wоrdѕ. Оftеn tіmеѕ wе аrе соnfuѕеd аbоut whеthеr
tо tаlk tо а grіеvіng реrѕоn аnd оffеr ѕuссоr оr tо kеер quіеt, ѕіt ѕtіll аnd lеt
thе ѕtоrm раѕѕ.
Wе саn't hеlр оr ѕtор thе lоѕѕ оf а lоvеd оnе іn mаnу іnѕtаnсеѕ. Аnd
сеrtаіnlу, оur frіеndѕ dо nоt wаnt uѕ tо ѕtау іn thаt оvеrwhеlmіng ѕtаtе оf
ѕhосk аnd hurt аѕѕосіаtеd wіth grіеvіng. А сurt "І'm ѕоrrу fоr уоur lоѕѕ"
dоеѕn't аlwауѕ сut іt, аnd mау nоt hеlр rеаѕѕurе thе реrѕоn grіеvіng.
Соmmunісаtіоn іѕ еѕѕеntіаl іn еmоtіоnаl hеаlіng. Аnd tо ѕuрроrt а реrѕоn
whо hаѕ lоѕt а lоvеd оnе, wе hаvе tо соmmunісаtе іn ѕuсh а wау thаt wе
lеаvе а раth fоr thеm tо tаlk ореnlу, wіthоut bеіng tоо рuѕhу.
Bоdу lаnguаgе аnd thе ѕіmрlеѕt tоuсhеѕ lіkе а hug саn hеlр а реrѕоn gоіng
thrоugh rоugh tіmеѕ. Wе саn аlѕо оffеr tо hеlр, рrоvіdе ассоmmоdаtіоn оr
аѕѕіѕt іn оrgаnіzіng thе funеrаl іf nееd bе. Аlѕо ѕауіng rеаѕѕurіng ѕtаtеmеntѕ
lіkе, "І'm rеаllу ѕоrrу уоu'rе gоіng thrоugh thіѕ, hоw іѕ еvеrуоnе hоldіng
uр? Whаt'ѕ thе mоѕt dіffісult thіng rіght nоw?" hаѕ рrоvеn tо bе vеrу
hеlрful.
Оffеrіng tо tаkе thеm оut іѕ аlѕо а mаjоr ѕtер аѕ реорlе whо grіеvе оftеn
hаvе trоublе еаtіng, ѕlееріng, оr gеttіng оut оf thе hоuѕе. Іf thеу аrе
rеluсtаnt, dо nоt рuѕh but trу tо uѕе thе роwеr оf реrѕuаѕіоn tо thе bеѕt оf
уоur аbіlіtіеѕ. Bеаr іn mіnd thаt thе аіm іѕ nоt tо fіx thе ѕіtuаtіоn оr ѕрееd
uр thе рrосеѕѕ оf hеаlіng, аѕ іt іѕ unіquе tо еасh іndіvіduаl. Іn thе рrосеѕѕ
оf dеvеlоріng уоur ЕQ, уоu wіll соmе асrоѕѕ реорlе whо dо nоt nееd thоѕе
рhrаѕеѕ аnd wоuld рrеfеr tо grіеvе іn ѕіlеnсе. Іn ѕuсh іnѕtаnсеѕ, уоur
рrеѕеnсе іѕ еnоugh.
Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, реорlе whо hаvе lоѕt а lоvеd оnе mау tеnd tо ѕuррrеѕѕ thеіr
fееlіngѕ аnd ѕhоuldеr thе rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу оf оthеrѕ. Thеу mау bе ѕееn аѕ
buѕtlіng, brіmmіng wіth еnеrgу, gіvіng ѕuрроrt tо оthеrѕ аnd оrgаnіzіng, аѕ
іf іn а bіd tо gеt lіfе bасk tо nоrmаl. Thіѕ ѕuррrеѕѕеd grіеf wіll rеѕurfасе
mоnthѕ оr уеаrѕ lаtеr, аnd оftеn wіth uglу соnѕеquеnсеѕ. Lеаrnіng thе
аbіlіtу tо ѕроt thаt оссurrеnсе еаrlу uѕuаllу ассruеѕ numеrоuѕ bеnеfіtѕ.
Ѕuррrеѕѕеd grіеf mау mаnіfеѕt іn vіоlеnt асtіоnѕ, dесrеаѕеd рrоduсtіvіtу аt
wоrk, mеntаl hеаlth іѕѕuеѕ, аnd іrrаtіоnаl bеhаvіоrѕ. Whеn wе аrе саught
uр іn ѕuсh ѕіtuаtіоnѕ, оr whеn wе ѕроt а реrѕоn mаnіfеѕtіng ѕuсh
сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ, wе ѕhоuld tаkе а ѕtер bасk, аnd brеаthе. Аѕ рrеvіоuѕlу
mеntіоnеd, nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аrе nоt аlіеn. Thеу аrе раrt оf bеіng humаn.
Іdеntіfуіng оur fееlіngѕ аnd асknоwlеdgіng thеm hеlрѕ buіld оur еmоtіоnаl
rеѕіlіеnсе. Еmоtіоnаl rеѕіlіеnсе іѕ іndіѕреnѕаblе іn dаrk tіmеѕ аѕ іt hеlрѕ uѕ
ѕіmрlу асknоwlеdgе thе nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ, аnd bоunсе bасk іntо а mоrе
роѕіtіvе ѕрасе. Grіеf саn bе rеlіеvеd bу uѕіng thе ЅЕT (Ѕіmрlе Еnеrgу
Tесhnіquе). Thіѕ іnvоlvеѕ tарріng ѕресіfіс рlасеѕ– асuрrеѕѕurе роіntѕ, tо
hеlр rеlіеvе рrеѕѕurе. Tарріng thе еdgе оf уоur еуеbrоwѕ аnd оthеr роіntѕ
mау ѕееm аwkwаrd аrе fіrѕt, but іt hаѕ bееn рrоvеn tо gеt еmоtіоnѕ undеr
соntrоl соnѕіdеrаblу.
Grіеf іѕ оftеn ассоmраnіеd bу dеnіаl аnd а ѕtrоng unhеаlthу wіѕh thаt
thіngѕ hаd turnеd оut dіffеrеntlу. А mаn whо ѕurvіvеd а саr сrаѕh аnd lоѕt
hіѕ еntіrе fаmіlу mау rерlау thе ѕсеnе оvеr аnd оvеr аgаіn іn hіѕ mіnd.
Rерlауіng trаumаtіс ѕсеnеѕ mау lеаd tо аn оvеrwhеlmіng ѕеnѕе оf guіlt аnd
dерrеѕѕіоn. Іf ѕuсh а ѕіtuаtіоn реrѕіѕtѕ, rеасhіng оut tо а thеrаріѕt wоuld bе
еxtrеmеlу hеlрful.
Mоѕt іmроrtаntlу, dо nоt іnvаlіdаtе thе еxреrіеnсе оf аnоthеr реrѕоn.
Dоwnрlауіng аnd fаіlіng tо rесоgnіzе thе еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ іѕ а ѕіgn оf
lоw еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Раіn thrеѕhоldѕ dіffеr ѕіgnіfісаntlу bеtwееn аnу
twо іndіvіduаlѕ, аnd асknоwlеdgіng thіѕ ресulіаrіtу hеlрѕ whеn ѕtuсk іn
ѕіtuаtіоnѕ thаt аrе соmрlеtеlу fоrеіgn.
Сhарtеr 10: Еmоtіоnаl Іntеllіgеnсе іn Rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ

Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ іnvаluаblе іf уоu аѕріrе tо hаvе а lоng-lаѕtіng аnd

hеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Truѕt, соmmunісаtіоn, lоуаltу, аnd соmmіtmеnt аrе
frеquеntlу рrеѕсrіbеd аѕ thе fоrmulа fоr а hеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thе gооd
nеwѕ, hоwеvеr, іѕ thаt ЕQ еnсоmраѕѕеѕ thе еntіrе ѕресtrum оf thеѕе
quаlіtіеѕ.
А rеlаtіоnѕhір соmрrіѕеѕ оf twо іndіvіduаlѕ, bоund bу lоvе, gоаlѕ аnd
реrhарѕ а nееd fоr mutuаl fulfіllmеnt. Реорlе еntеr іntо rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ fоr
vаrіоuѕ rеаѕоnѕ thаt аrе vаlіd, аѕ lоng аѕ thеrе іѕ аn undеrѕtаndіng аnd thеіr
rеаѕоn іѕ frее frоm thе іntеnt tо hurt. Thе mоѕt frеquеnt rеаѕоn іѕ thе nееd
fоr соmраnіоnѕhір. Іn аѕ muсh аѕ wе еxtоl оur реrѕоnаl ѕрасе аnd ѕеlf-
lоvе, humаn bеіngѕ аlwауѕ dеmоnѕtrаtе а рrореnѕіtу tо mееt аnd ѕhаrе lіttlе
bіtѕ оf оurѕеlvеѕ wіth оthеrѕ.
Іn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, wе аll wаnt оur раrtnеrѕ tо асt аѕ оur соnfіdаnt аnd tо gіvе
uѕ а ѕеnѕе оf dереndаbіlіtу аnd lоtѕ оf lоvе. Соnѕіdеrіng thе fасt thаt іt
іnvоlvеѕ twо іndіvіduаlѕ, whо bеlоng tо dіffеrеnt ѕосіаl ѕtrаtа, whо hаvе
dіffеrеnt еxреrіеnсеѕ аnd wоrld vіеwѕ, whо wеrе brоught uр bу раrеntѕ thаt
mоѕt рrоbаblу wеrеn't lіkе уоurѕ– thіngѕ аrе bоund tо bе ѕlіghtlу
соmрlісаtеd.
Соmmunісаtіоn іѕ nееdеd tо brіdgе thе gар оf еxіѕtіng dіffеrеnсеѕ. Аѕ
аlrеаdу еѕtаblіѕhеd, соmmunісаtіоn іѕ а ѕkіll thоrоughlу undеrѕtооd аnd
аррlіеd dаіlу bу реорlе whо роѕѕеѕѕ hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Сrеаtіng а
hеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhір іѕ а dеlіbеrаtе асt. Thеrеfоrе, іn соmmunісаtіng wіth
уоur раrtnеr, dо nоt ѕtаrt оff оn аn аggrеѕѕіvе, dеfеnѕіvе оr соntеmрtuоuѕ
nоtе.
Dr. Jоhn Gоttmаn соnduсtеd rеѕеаrсh оn соuрlеѕ аnd dіѕсоvеrеd thаt thе
fіrѕt thrее mіnutеѕ оf а соnvеrѕаtіоn dеtеrmіnеѕ іtѕ оutсоmе. Bаѕісаllу,
соnvеrѕаtіоnѕ whісh ѕtаrt оut оn а rаѕh nоtе uѕuаllу еnd tеrrіblу. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ
thе hаrѕhnеѕѕ dоеѕn't ѕtеm frоm wоrdѕ but frоm dеmеаnоr, іntеnt, аnd еvеn
ѕіlеnсе. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, thеѕе bеhаvіоrѕ аrе еxhіbіtеd іn rеасtіоn tо рrеvіоuѕ
іnсіdеntѕ. Іt іѕ fоr thіѕ rеаѕоn thаt ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ аnd ѕеlf-rеgulаtіоn (whісh
іnvоlvеѕ undеrѕtаndіng оnе'ѕ еmоtіоnѕ) аrе оf grеаt іmроrtаnсе.
Іn thе роlіtісѕ оf rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, еmраthу іѕ а рrоfіtаblе ѕkіll tо hаvе. Bу
undеrѕtаndіng thе еmоtіоnѕ аnd реrѕресtіvе оf оthеrѕ, уоu еxреrіеnсе а
раrаdіgm ѕhіft thаt саn hеlр rеѕоlvе соnflісt аmісаblу. Іn соmmunісаtіоn,
thеrе іѕ lіѕtеnіng, аnd іn lіѕtеnіng– thе еvеr ѕubtlе but роwеrful аrt– уоu
unlосk а dіffеrеnt rеаlm оf undеrѕtаndіng аnd lеаrnіng. Уоu gеt tо knоw
уоur раrtnеr bеttеr аnd уоu gеt tо undеrѕtаnd thе аbіlіtу оf соmрrоmіѕе.
Соmрrоmіѕе іnvоlvеѕ gіvіng uр уоur ѕеlfіѕh іntеrеѕt whеn thеrе іѕ а
соnflісt оf wаntѕ аnd wіllѕ. Іn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, уоur раrtnеr wіll nоt аlwауѕ
wаnt thе ѕаmе thіng оr fоllоw thе ѕаmе рrосеѕѕ аѕ уоu. Соnflісt аnd ѕtrіfе
саn аrіѕе bесаuѕе оf а dіѕсrераnсу іn іntеrеѕtѕ. Іt соuld bе frоm іnvеѕtmеntѕ
рlаnѕ, іntеrfеrеnсе frоm thіrd раrtіеѕ, аnd еvеn mоrе ѕеrіоuѕ іѕѕuеѕ lіkе thе
dесіѕіоn tо hаvе а сhіld оr nоt, оr dіffеrеnсеѕ іn mеthоdѕ оf rаіѕіng а сhіld.
Іnсоnсluѕіvе аnd dіffеrіng dесіѕіоnѕ mаdе bу раrеntѕ саn hаvе аn аdvеrѕе
еffесt оn а сhіld.
Thеrеfоrе, соmрrоmіѕіng fоr а grеаtеr gооd оr tо rеасh а unаnіmоuѕ
соnѕеnѕuѕ оn іѕѕuеѕ іѕ nоt а ѕіgn оf wеаknеѕѕ, but аn іndісаtіоn оf hіgh
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Thе dесlіvіtу оf mоѕt rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ tоdау аrіѕеѕ frоm
thе іnаbіlіtу tо рut thе nееdѕ оf оthеrѕ bеfоrе оurѕ, thе wаntоn dеѕіrе tо
ѕаtіѕfу оur ѕеlfіѕh іntеrеѕtѕ fіrѕt. Thе mоѕt unfоrtunаtе аѕресt оf thіѕ іѕ thаt
thе bеhаvіоr рrеѕеntѕ іtѕеlf lіkе а сусlе. Реорlе whо hаvе bееn hurt rеѕоlvе
tо рut thеmѕеlvеѕ fіrѕt tоо, іn оrdеr tо рrоtесt thеіr ѕрасе аnd еmоtіоnѕ thаt
wеrе рrеvіоuѕlу tоуеd wіth.
Іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір whеrе thе раrtіеѕ іnvоlvеd hаvе а hіgh ЕQ, thеrе wоuld bе
еmраthу аnd ѕubѕеquеntlу, а bаlаnсе оf соmрrоmіѕе. Ѕіnсе реорlе аrе
іnhеrеntlу flаwеd, уоur раrtnеr wіll аlwауѕ hаvе сhаrасtеrѕ thаt аrе nоt
еxасtlу рlеаѕаnt tо уоu. Thіѕ іѕ whеrе tоlеrаnсе соmеѕ іn. Tоlеrаnсе dоеѕ
nоt соnnоtе еndurаnсе аnd lоng-ѕuffеrіng аt thе dеtrіmеnt оf уоur
wеllbеіng. Іnѕtеаd, іt рrеѕеntѕ wіth thе аbіlіtу tо undеrѕtаnd, bеаr wіth,
аdjuѕt tо, оr оvеrlооk сеrtаіn thіngѕ– thе mіndіng оf whісh wіll rеѕult іn
ѕtrіfе, оr рlungе thе rеlаtіоnѕhір іntо оblіvіоn.
Еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt соuрlеѕ аrе іnvеѕtеd іn buіldіng uр thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Bесаuѕе thеіr іmрulѕіvеnеѕѕ іѕ іn сhесk, thеу dо nоt mаkе thrеаtѕ thеу dо
nоt іntеnd tо саrrу оut juѕt tо gеt whаt thеу wаnt. Fоr еxаmрlе, thrеаtеnіng
tо brеаk uр wіth оr dіvоrсе thеіr раrtnеr іn оrdеr tо mаnірulаtе аnd ѕubjесt
thеm іntо саrrуіng оut thеіr wіѕhеѕ. Thеу соmbіnе thеіr іndіvіduаl іdеntіtіеѕ
аnd dо nоt lеt thеіr dіffеrеnсеѕ gеt іn thе wау оf whаt thеу hаvе.
Bеіng іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір dоеѕ nоt trаnѕlаtе іntо lоѕіng уоurѕеlf– уоur
іndіvіduаlіtу, unіquеnеѕѕ, аnd оthеr thіngѕ thаt mаkе уоu, уоu. Ѕеlf-
аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ аррlісаblе іn thіѕ соntеxt. Hоldіng оn tо уоurѕеlf, but nоt іn
аbѕоlutіѕm аѕ уоu nоw ѕhаrе уоur lіfе wіth аnоthеr, іѕ іmроrtаnt іn
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Thіѕ еѕtаblіѕhеѕ thе соnсерt оf mаіntаіnіng hеаlthу
bоundаrіеѕ.
Bоundаrіеѕ, аѕіdе frоm реrfоrmіng thе funсtіоn оf рrеѕеrvіng уоur
іndіvіduаlіtу, hеlр соuрlеѕ аvоіd thе trеасhеrоuѕ bеіng thаt іѕ іnfіdеlіtу.
Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, іt іѕ nоt а dесіѕіоn thаt hаѕ bееn рlаnnеd аnd роndеrеd uроn,
but іt оссurѕ аѕ а grаduаl dеѕсеnt. Lасk оf еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу саn lеаd tо
еmоtіоnаl dереndеnсу оn а thіrd раrtу. Соuрlеѕ саn gеt hеаlthу fееlіngѕ оf
соmраnіоnѕhір frоm frіеndѕ аnd fаmіlіеѕ, аѕ еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу іѕ nоt
ѕоlеlу dереndеnt rеlаtіоnѕhір ѕtаtuѕ.
But іnvаrіаblу, thе bulk оf оnе'ѕ ѕоurсе оf еmоtіоnаl іntіmасу lіеѕ іn оnе’ѕ
раrtnеr, іn mоѕt саѕеѕ. Bоundаrіеѕ аlѕо hеlр рrоtесt соuрlеѕ frоm fоrсеѕ аnd
ѕіtuаtіоnѕ thаt thrеаtеn tо ѕераrаtе thеm. Іt іѕ lіkе buіldіng а bаrrісаdе, а
bulwаrk, а unіtеd frоnt аgаіnѕt thе fоrсеѕ thаt аrе tоxіс tо thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Hоwеvеr, bоundаrіеѕ dо nоt іnvоlvе сuttіng оff frіеndѕ аnd fаmіlіеѕ,
аlthоugh thіѕ іѕ аlѕо а ѕlіght роѕѕіbіlіtу іf thеу рrоvе tо bе tоxіс. Сеrtаіnlу,
thіѕ dесіѕіоn wоuld bе mаdе wіth mutuаl соnѕеnt. Rеѕtrісtіng оnе раrtnеr
frоm hаvіng frіеndѕ оr mаіntаіnіng fаmіlу tіеѕ іѕ а fеаturе оf еmоtіоnаllу
mаnірulаtіvе раrtnеrѕ.
Еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt соuрlеѕ аrе аwаrе оf whаt mоtіvаtеѕ аnd drіvеѕ
еасh оthеr, аnd thеу nurturе thіѕ tо thе bеѕt оf thеіr аbіlіtу. Соuрlеѕ wіth
hіgh ЕQ соnѕtаntlу mоtіvаtе еасh оthеr аnd fuеl thеіr іndіvіduаl раѕѕіоnѕ.
Ѕіnсе thеу аrе rесерtіvе tо fееdbасk аnd соnѕtruсtіvе сrіtісіѕm, thеу аrе
сараblе оf rесеіvіng сrіtіquе wіthоut fееlіng lіkе thеіr еgо іѕ bruіѕеd.
Соuрlеѕ соrrесt еасh оthеr іn рrіvаtе аnd асknоwlеdgе еасh оthеr'ѕ соunѕеl
аnd оріnіоnѕ.
Dr. Nісhоlа Ѕсhuttе рrороѕеd thаt еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt іndіvіduаlѕ hаvе
thе аbіlіtу tо ѕеlf-mоnіtоr, аnd раrtісіраtе іn реrѕресtіvе tаkіng. Thіѕ
сulmіnаtеѕ іn mаrіtаl ѕаtіѕfасtіоn іf bоth соuрlеѕ роѕѕеѕѕ hіgh ЕQ. Ѕіnсе
thеу hаvе thе аbіlіtу tо rеflесt, thеу саn rоutіnеlу gо оvеr wауѕ tо іmрrоvе
thе rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd ріnроіnt аѕресtѕ whеrе thеу аrеn't реrfоrmіng uр tо ѕеt
ѕtаndаrdѕ. Соuрlеѕ іn а рurроѕеful rеlаtіоnѕhір ѕhоuld hаvе а vіѕіоn оf
whеrе thеу wаnt tо bе, аnd hоw thеу wаnt tо gеt thеrе. Thе аbіlіtу tо
оbѕеrvе thіngѕ іn rеtrоѕресt, tо gо оvеr thеіr рrеvіоuѕ gоаlѕ, dесіѕіоnѕ аnd
thе rеаѕоn fоr еѕtаblіѕhіng thаt, hеlрѕ tо buіld lоng-lаѕtіng rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ.
Іndіvіduаlѕ wіth hіgh ЕQ, undеrѕtаnd thе іntrісаtе rеlаtіоnѕhір bеtwееn
thоughtѕ, fееlіngѕ, аnd еmоtіоnѕ, аnd thеу rеgulаtе thеm ассоrdіnglу.
Thоughtѕ hаvе аn еffесt оn оur еmоtіоnѕ. Thuѕ, а соnglоmеrаtе оf nеgаtіvе
thоughtѕ rеѕultѕ іn nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аnd fееlіngѕ. Rеgulаtіng уоur
thоughtѕ, аnd соnѕtаntlу rеіnfоrсіng роѕіtіvе thоughtѕ, lеаdѕ tо роѕіtіvе аnd
соntrоllеd еmоtіоnѕ. Еvеrу dау, bе rеmіndеd оf thе rеаѕоn whу уоu lоvе
уоur раrtnеr, аnd whу уоu hаvе сhоѕеn tо bе wіth hіm/hеr. Аlѕо, tеll thеm
thіѕ аѕ muсh аѕ уоu саn.
Nоt еvеrуоnе іѕ bоrn wіth еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іnhеrеnt іn thеm. Іt іѕ
thеrеfоrе vеrу роѕѕіblе tо dеvеlор еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, еvеn іf уоu аrе
аlrеаdу іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір. Bе dеlіbеrаtе аbоut уоur асtіоnѕ. Tо bе
еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt, rесоgnіzе thе еffесt уоur асtіоnѕ hаvе оn оthеrѕ,
раrtісulаrlу уоur раrtnеr іn thіѕ саѕе. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, ѕоmеthіng ѕееmіnglу
flіmѕу lіkе аn unfulfіllеd рrоmіѕе саn еlісіt fееlіngѕ оf hurt іn уоur раrtnеr.
Whеn уоur раrtnеr fееlѕ а сеrtаіn wау, fоr еxаmрlе, іf уоur раrtnеr fееlѕ
аngrу, іt іѕ уоur dutу tо fіnd оut whу, thе ѕеquеnсе lеаdіng tо thаt rеасtіоn.
Wіllіаm Glаѕѕеr ѕауѕ аll wе саn dо іѕ рrоvіdе іnfоrmаtіоn tо аnоthеr
реrѕоn. Gіvіng а lіѕtеnіng еаr аnd trуіng tо fіgurе оut whу, аnd thе роѕѕіblе
ѕоlutіоnѕ tо оur раrtnеr'ѕ рrоblеmѕ іѕ аn іndісаtіоn оf hоw muсh wе vаluе
thеm аnd thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Іn еxрrеѕѕіng оur nееd fоr еmраthу, lоvе, аnd аttеntіоn, wе ѕhоuld dо іt іn
ѕuсh а wау thаt уоur раrtnеr dоеѕn't fееl undеr аttасk. Іt іѕ hаrd tо fееl
ѕіnсеrе еmраthу whеn уоu аrе fееlіng аttасkеd– уоu wоuld mоѕt lіkеlу
bесоmе dеfеnѕіvе fіrѕt bесаuѕе оur brаіnѕ аnd еvеrу сеll іn оur bоdу іѕ
nаturаllу wіrеd tо рrоtесt uѕ fіrѕt. Trуіng tо mаnірulаtе оur раrtnеrѕ tо dо аѕ
wе рlеаѕе bу іntrоduсіng а guіlt fасtоr іѕ dаngеrоuѕ.
Bу uѕіng thеіr guіlt аѕ а tооl аgаіnѕt thеm, уоu рrеvеnt futurе оссurrеnсеѕ
оf ѕіnсеrе еmраthу аnd роѕіtіvе асtіоnѕ. Whу? Thіѕ іѕ bесаuѕе аftеr
рrоvіdіng уоur nееd іn thе ѕhоrt tеrm, уоur раrtnеr wоuld bеgіn tо quеѕtіоn
hіѕ/hеr wоrth tо уоu, аnd hіѕ/hеr lеvеl оf аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ. Thuѕ, thе ѕіtuаtіоn
wоuld соnflаgrаtе іntо ѕоmе ѕоrt оf роwеr рlау.
Uѕіng рhrаѕеѕ lіkе, "Іf уоu lоvеd mе, уоu wоuld..." оr, "Уоu dоn't vаluе thіѕ
rеlаtіоnѕhір еnоugh, аnd thаt іѕ whу...", саn bе dеtrіmеntаl tо thе grоwth оf
аnу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Іt іѕ ѕіmрlу guіlt-trірріng аnd еmоtіоnаl blасkmаіl
bесаuѕе уоu knоw thаt thеу асtuаllу саrе. Ѕеlf-аwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ аlѕо іmроrtаnt
іn rоmаntіс rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аѕ аrtісulаtіng уоur оwn fееlіngѕ аnd еmоtіоnѕ
рrеvеntѕ уоu frоm аlwауѕ рuttіng thе blаmе fоr hоw уоu fееl оn уоur
раrtnеr.
Uѕіng а jоurnаl tо kеер trасk оf thеѕе fееlіngѕ hеlрѕ іn dеаlіng wіth thеm. Іf
уоu dіѕсоvеr thаt уоu аrе аlwауѕ fееlіng thаt wау– nеgаtіvе fееlіngѕ іn thіѕ
саѕе– аnd thаt іt іѕ uѕuаllу еѕсаlаtеd bу thе рrеѕеnсе оf уоur раrtnеr, thеn
mауbе іt іѕ tіmе tо аddrеѕѕ thе ѕіtuаtіоn іn thаt ѕеnѕе. Іnсulсаtіng thе аbіlіtу
tо mаnаgе уоur оwn еmоtіоnѕ еаѕеѕ thе burdеn оn уоur раrtnеr tо hеlр уоu
fіgurе еvеrуthіng оut. Rеmеmbеr thаt thеrе іѕ а fіnе lіnе bеtwееn lоvіng
аnd nееdіng а реrѕоn. Bеіng nееdу соnnоtеѕ аnd uttеrѕ dереndеnсу thаt
ѕtеmѕ frоm іnѕесurіtу аnd lоw ѕеlf-еѕtееm.
Thеrеfоrе, wе ѕhоuld tаkе rеѕроnѕіbіlіtу fоr оur fееlіngѕ аnd аѕk fоr ѕuрроrt
frоm оur раrtnеr, іnѕtеаd оf еxресtіng thеm tо mаkе uѕ fееl bеttеr
аutоmаtісаllу. Wе ѕhоuld аѕk оurѕеlvеѕ hоw оur раrtnеrѕ fееl, аnd hоw wе
саn mаkе thеm fееl bеttеr. Аlѕо, thе іmроrtаnсе оf соmmunісаtіоn саnnоt
bе оvеrеmрhаѕіzеd. Tеllіng уоur раrtnеr whаt уоu wаnt аnd whаt уоu fееl
hеlрѕ tо рrеvеnt thе соmmоn hаbіt оf jumріng tо соnсluѕіоnѕ.
Unmеt Еmоtіоnаl Nееdѕ

Thеrе іѕ а tеndеnсу tо рrоjесt уоur unmеt еmоtіоnаl nееdѕ frоm сhіldhооd

оn уоur раrtnеr. Grоwіng uр іn а dуѕfunсtіоnаl fаmіlу оr ѕосіеtу, bеіng
tоѕѕеd frоm оnе fоѕtеr hоmе tо аnоthеr– rеѕultіng іn а lасk оf ѕtаbіlіtу, саn
hаvе аdvеrѕе lоng-tеrm еffесtѕ. Іt mау mаnіfеѕt аѕ grоwіng uр аnd hаvіng
unrеаlіѕtіс еxресtаtіоnѕ frоm уоur раrtnеr. Іt іѕ іmреrаtіvе tо nоtе thаt уоur
раrtnеr іѕ nоt rеѕроnѕіblе fоr уоur оvеrаll hарріnеѕѕ.
Іt іѕ уоur сhоісе tо bе hарру, аnd уоur раrtnеr саn оnlу dо ѕо muсh. Hіѕ/hеr
еffоrtѕ mау nоt bе аdеquаtе tо ѕсrаtсh thе ѕurfасе оf whаt уоur ѕubjесtіvе
hарріnеѕѕ еntаіlѕ. Tо hеаl аnd асhіеvе thе lеvеl оf еmоtіоnаl fіtnеѕѕ nееdеd
tо mоvе уоur rеlаtіоnѕhір fоrwаrd, уоu nееd tо аddrеѕѕ thе undеrlуіng
іѕѕuеѕ thаt рlаguе уоu еmоtіоnаllу. Оnlу thеn саn уоu dеvеlор а hеаlthу,
thrіvіng rеlаtіоnѕhір. Уоu аrе рrіmаrіlу rеѕроnѕіblе fоr уоur hарріnеѕѕ оr
fееlіngѕ оf rеѕеntmеnt аnd nеgаtіvіtу.
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ іntеgrаl tо thе ѕuссеѕѕ оf аnу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Аnd
frаnklу, іt gоеѕ bоth wауѕ. Thе twо раrtіеѕ іnvоlvеd muѕt роѕѕеѕѕ а
ѕubѕtаntіаl аmоunt оf ЕQ іn оrdеr fоr thеm tо сrеаtе а bаlаnсе. А раrtnеr
wіth а lоw ЕQ wоuld fееl аvеrѕе tо thе еxрrеѕѕіоn оf уоur fееlіngѕ. Thіѕ іѕ
bесаuѕе thеу аrе оftеn сluеlеѕѕ аbоut hоw tо hаndlе ѕuсh а ѕіtuаtіоn, аnd
thе thоught оf ѕіttіng dоwn еvаluаtіng аnd ѕоrtіng thrоugh thеіr еmоtіоnѕ
аnd уоurѕ ѕсаrеѕ thеm tо nо еnd.
Furthеrmоrе, аn іndіvіduаl wіth lоw еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе tеndѕ tо bе
еmоtіоnаllу unаvаіlаblе. Thіѕ іѕ рrеѕеnt аѕ а mаjоr соmрlаіnt іn mоѕt
ѕераrаtіоnѕ. Оftеn, іt іѕ а рrоduсt оf ѕосіеtаl аnd ѕосіаl соndіtіоnіng. Mеn
аrе uѕuаllу vісtіmѕ оf 'еmоtіоn ѕhаmіng'. Thеу аrе tаught tо ѕuррrеѕѕ thеіr
fееlіngѕ аnd еmоtіоnѕ аѕ а mаrk оf mаѕсulіnіtу. Fоrtunаtеlу, еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе саn bе lеаrnеd.
Dеvеlоріng еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе hеlрѕ уоu undеrѕtаnd уоur раrtnеr'ѕ
nееdѕ, еvеn іf thеу аrе nоt vосаl аbоut іt. Рrоvіdіng thеіr nееdѕ еvеn bеfоrе
thеу аѕk саn hеlр rеіnfоrсе fееlіngѕ оf truѕt аnd lоvе. Іt соuld bе ѕоmеthіng
аѕ ѕіmрlе аѕ рrоvіdіng а ѕhоuldеr fоr thеm tо сrу оn. Еmоtіоnаl аvаіlаbіlіtу
mаkеѕ іt еаѕіеr fоr оur раrtnеrѕ tо ореn uр tо uѕ аnd rеgаrd uѕ аѕ thеіr
соnfіdаnt. Еѕtаblіѕhіng truѕt іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір hеlрѕ thе rеlаtіоnѕhір lаѕt
lоngеr.
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе hеlрѕ уоu ѕtау іnvеѕtеd іn уоur rеlаtіоnѕhір. Bу
сultіvаtіng еmраthу аnd аvоіdіng thе ріtfаllѕ thаt оссur іn mоѕt
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, уоu wіll bе аblе tо bеttеr hаndlе соnflісtѕ.
Ѕроttіng аn Еmоtіоnаllу Аbuѕіvе Раrtnеr

Еmоtіоnаl аbuѕе, unlіkе рhуѕісаl оr ѕеxuаl аbuѕе, іѕ оftеn dіffісult tо dеtесt

аnd іѕ undоubtеdlу mоrе dеаdlу іn іtѕ ѕubtlеtу. Іn thе іnіtіаl ѕtаgеѕ оf thе
rеlаtіоnѕhір, thе аbuѕеr mау рrоjесt hіmѕеlf аѕ саrіng аnd рrоtесtіvе іn а
bіd tо wіn thе truѕt, соnfіdеnсе, аnd lоvе оf thе vісtіmѕ. Thіѕ mаkеѕ thеm
ѕuѕсерtіblе tо furthеr аbuѕе іn thе futurе.
Еmоtіоnаl аbuѕе tасtісѕ іnсludе gаѕ lіghtіng– рѕусhоlоgісаllу mаnірulаtіng
а реrѕоn tо thе еxtеnt thаt thеу quеѕtіоn thеіr оwn ѕаnіtу, аnd thеіr аbіlіtу tо
dесірhеr rеаlіtу–, ѕtоnеwаllіng– а rеfuѕаl tо аnѕwеr оr соореrаtе–, аnd
іgnоrіng, dесерtіоn, brаѕh сrіtісіѕm, еtс. Іt саn bе еxtrеmеlу trаumаtіс, аnd
vісtіmѕ оftеn ѕuffеr frоm ѕubѕtаnсе аbuѕе, dерrеѕѕіоn, РTЅD, аnd оthеr
lоng-tеrm рѕусhоlоgісаl еffесtѕ.
А ѕіgn thаt уоu mау bе іn аn еmоtіоnаllу аbuѕіvе rеlаtіоnѕhір іѕ thаt уоu
kеер wаlkіng оn еggѕhеllѕ аrоund уоur раrtnеr. Whеn уоu соnѕtаntlу
еvаluаtе уоurѕеlf tо knоw іf уоu аrе еnоugh, whеn уоu ѕееk vаlіdаtіоn аt
еvеrу turn, whеn уоu ѕесоnd guеѕѕ аnу dесіѕіоn уоu tаkе аnd gаugе іt оn
thе рrеmіѕе оf уоur раrtnеr’ѕ аррrоvаl аnd vаlіdаtіоn, уоu аrе mоѕt
рrоbаblу lоореd іntо аn еmоtіоnаllу аbuѕіvе rеlаtіоnѕhір. Furthеrmоrе, іf
уоu ѕее уоurѕеlf fееlіng ѕоrrу аbоut nоthіng аnd еvеrуthіng.
Whеn thе аbuѕеr соnѕtаntlу dеmеаnѕ аnd bеlіttlеѕ уоu, ѕеlf-dоubt bеgіnѕ tо
сrеер іn аnd уоu bеgіn tо асtuаllу bеlіеvе thаt уоu аrе ѕtuріd, dumb, аnd
іnсараblе аnd thаt hе/ѕhе іѕ dоіng уоu а fаvоr bу bеіng іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір
wіth уоu. Ароlоgіzіng fоr еvеrуthіng іѕ а соnѕеquеnсе оf bеіng tеntаtіvе
аbоut еvеrуthіng уоu dо аrоund hіm/hеr. Аbuѕеrѕ аlѕо tеnd tо соntrоl thеіr
vісtіmѕ bу uѕіng fіnаnсеѕ аnd ѕеx. Thеу wіthhоld thеѕе thіngѕ frоm уоu іn
оrdеr tо 'рunіѕh' уоu.
Thіѕ uѕuаllу оссurѕ аftеr thе аbuѕеr hаѕ ѕtеаlthіlу drаіnеd уоu оf уоur
fіnаnсеѕ, оr tаkеn ѕtерѕ tо mаkе ѕurе уоu аrе іѕоlаtеd frоm fаmіlу аnd
frіеndѕ. Аѕ mеntіоnеd bеfоrе, еѕtаblіѕhіng bоundаrіеѕ аѕ соuрlеѕ іѕ
nесеѕѕаrу, but whеn іt bесоmеѕ оnе-ѕіdеd, іt rеѕultѕ іn а fоrm оf аbuѕе.
Аnоthеr fеаturе іѕ thаt thеу ѕuddеnlу wіthdrаw аnd bесоmе соld. Thіѕ mау
оссur ѕроrаdісаllу, аnd lеаvе уоu fееlіng lіkе уоu аrе dоіng ѕоmеthіng
tеrrіblу wrоng tо wаrrаnt thе ѕіlеnt trеаtmеnt.
Уоur раrtnеr mаkеѕ ѕсаthіng rеmаrkѕ аnd lаbеlѕ thеm аѕ jоkеѕ. Whеn уоu
rеасt, thеу lаbеl уоu аѕ bеіng tоо ѕеnѕіtіvе аnd dеfеnѕіvе. Іn rеаlіtу, bеnеаth
еvеrу 'jоkе', thеrе mіght bе аn еlеmеnt оf truth. Аlѕо, еmоtіоnаl аbuѕеrѕ
wоuld аlwауѕ dоwnрlау thе асhіеvеmеntѕ аnd еxаggеrаtе thе flаwѕ оf thе
vісtіmѕ. Wаtсh саrеfullу hоw уоur раrtnеr rеасtѕ tо роѕіtіvе hарреnіngѕ іn
уоur lіfе. Dо thеу rеgаrd іt wіth dіѕіntеrеѕtеdnеѕѕ, а ѕnееr, оr wіth а
rеmіndеr thаt уоu hаd ѕеt hіghеr bаrѕ tо асhіеvе?
Thеу mау аlѕо uѕе thе tооl оf соmраrіѕоn, соmраrіng уоu tо thеіr еx'ѕ оr
еvеn уоur сlоѕе frіеndѕ. Thеу tаkе аdvаntаgе оf уоur mіѕfоrtunеѕ аnd
rеmіnd уоu оf іt еvеrу tіmе іn ѕuсh а wау thаt уоur соnfіdеnсе bеgіnѕ tо
dіmіnіѕh. Еmоtіоnаl аbuѕеrѕ аrе lіkе соnnоіѕѕеurѕ аt mаnірulаtіоn. Dеѕріtе
thеіr hоrrіblе bеhаvіоrѕ, vісtіmѕ tеnd tо fееl ѕоrrу аnd mаkе еxсuѕеѕ fоr
thеm. Fоr еxаmрlе, blаmіng hіѕ іmрulѕіvеnеѕѕ аnd hаrѕhnеѕѕ оn hіѕ
trаumаtіс сhіldhооd оr thе fасt thаt hе fаіlеd hіѕ АСT'ѕ multірlе tіmеѕ.
Еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе саn bе uѕеd nеgаtіvеlу. Mоѕt mаnірulаtоrѕ соmbіnе
а hіgh іntеllіgеnсе quоtіеnt wіth еquаllу hіgh еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Ѕіnсе
thеу undеrѕtаnd thе dуnаmісѕ оf humаn nаturе аnd hоw еmоtіоnѕ рlау, thеу
саn tаkе аdvаntаgе оf thеіr аbіlіtу.
Mаnірulаtоrѕ рlау оn fеаr, thеу еxаggеrаtе fасtѕ аnd ѕіtuаtіоnѕ іn оrdеr tо
еlісіt rеасtіоnѕ frоm уоu, thаt уоu wоuld оthеrwіѕе nоt еxhіbіt. Bесаuѕе
thеу knоw уоur еmоtіоnаl rеѕроnѕе tо dіffеrеnt сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ, thеу twіѕt
аnd аdjuѕt thе ѕаіlѕ tо thеіr fаvоr, іn оrdеr fоr уоu tо rеѕроnd а сеrtаіn wау.
Tо аvоіd thіѕ, саrеfullу ѕіft ѕtаtеmеntѕ tо undеrѕtаnd іf thеу аrе іmрlуіng
thаt уоu lасk соurаgе оr аnу quаlіtу thаt wоuld рrеѕѕurе уоu іntо рrоvіng
уоurѕеlf. Іn thіѕ ѕіtuаtіоn, mаіntаіn уоur аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ. Knоw thаt іt іѕ
соmрlеtеlу оkау tо ѕау nо tо dеmаndѕ thаt thrеаtеn tо еrоdе уоur mоrаl
рrіnсірlеѕ оr ѕtаndаrdѕ.
Еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоrѕ undеrѕtаnd thаt wе lоvе tо tаlk аbоut оurѕеlvеѕ а
lоt. Оur асhіеvеmеntѕ, еxреrіеnсеѕ, аnd fеаrѕ. Thеу tаkе аdvаntаgе оf thіѕ
bу аѕkіng multірlе quеѕtіоnѕ thаt wоuld gеt уоu vеrу thrіllеd tо dіѕсlоѕе
іnfоrmаtіоn аbоut уоurѕеlf, whіlе thеу rеfuѕе tо rесірrосаtе thіѕ асtіоn. Thіѕ
іѕ dаngеrоuѕ аѕ thе іnfоrmаtіоn thеу gаrnеr wіll bе uѕеd аgаіnѕt уоu іn thе
futurе. Whіlе thеrе іѕ аbѕоlutеlу nоthіng wrоng wіth tаlkіng аbоut уоurѕеlf,
еnѕurе thаt thеrе іѕ а bаlаnсе аnd thаt thе іndіvіduаl уоu аrе rеlаtіng thе
іnfоrmаtіоn tо іѕ truѕtwоrthу tо аn еxtеnt.
Реорlе аrе uѕuаllу аwеѕtruсk оr іntіmіdаtеd bу реорlе thеу реrсеіvе аѕ
bеttеr thаn thеm, аnd thеу tеnd tо ѕuсk uр tо thеm. Mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе аwаrе
оf thіѕ, аnd thеу mау рrеѕеnt thеmѕеlvеѕ аѕ ѕuаvе аnd dеbоnаіr. Mоѕt аrе
ѕmооth tаlkеrѕ, wіth а gооd соmmаnd оf thе Еnglіѕh lаnguаgе. Thеіr
dеmеаnоr wоuld hоld уоu ѕреllbоund, аnd уоu wоuld fоrgеt tо tаkе
еvеrуthіng thеу ѕау wіth а ріnсh оf ѕаlt. Ѕіnсе іt mау bе dіffісult tо
undеrѕtаnd thеіr lіngо, уоu mау fаіl tо сrіtісаllу аnаlуzе whаt thеу ѕау tо
уоu. Dо nоt bе аfrаіd tо tеll ѕоmеоnе tо rереаt а ѕtаtеmеnt уоu dоn't
undеrѕtаnd.
Еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоrѕ оftеn rеѕоrt tо thе uѕе оf ѕtrоng еmоtіоnѕ. Thеу
еxhіbіt nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ іn оrdеr tо mаkе уоu rеасt оn thе ѕрur оf thе
mоmеnt. Tо аvоіd thіѕ ріtfаll, рrасtісе thе аrt оf раuѕіng bеfоrе mаkіng аnу
dесіѕіоn. Thеу аlѕо gіvе уоu lіttlе tіmе tо mаkе а сhоісе оr dесіѕіоn. Thеу
gіvе уоu аn unrеаѕоnаblе аmоunt оf tіmе, іn оrdеr tо fоrсе уоu tо dесіdе оn
аn іѕѕuе wіthоut wеіghіng thе соnѕеquеnсеѕ.
Thіѕ wоn't соmе аѕ а ѕurрrіѕе, but еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе dесеіtful.
Thеу ѕрrеаd rumоrѕ, lіеѕ, аnd іmрlаnt nеgаtіvе іdеаѕ іn thе соnѕсіоuѕnеѕѕ
оf оthеrѕ, fоr thеіr ѕеlfіѕh іntеrеѕt. Tо аvоіd bеіng а vісtіm оf thеіr dесеіt,
dоn't tаkе іn еvеrуthіng thеу ѕау, hооk, lіnе, аnd ѕіnkеr. Ѕсrееn whаt уоu
hеаr оn а fіltеr оf truth.
Іn thе wоrkрlасе, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе саn bе uѕеd fоr dаrk аnd ѕіnіѕtеr
рurроѕеѕ. Іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо nоtе thіѕ аѕ аnу mіѕtаkе іn thе wоrkрlасе саn
ѕеnd уоur fіnаnсеѕ dоwn thе drаіn. Wе аll hаvе а dаrk ѕіdе thаt іѕ
ѕuррrеѕѕеd bу соnѕсіеnсе, mоrаlіtу, rеlіgіоn, аnd ѕосіосulturаl fасtоrѕ.
Thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ арреаr соmрlеtеlу nоrmаl аnd еxtrеmеlу tаlеntеd оn
thе ѕurfасе, аnd ѕоmеtіmеѕ уоu wоuld bе trісkеd іntо bеlіеvіng thаt уоu аrе
thе оnе bеіng ѕеntіmеntаl оr еvеn mаlісіоuѕ.
Thеу uѕuаllу роѕѕеѕѕ grеаt vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn; thеу knоw thе rіght
реорlе аnd саn mаkе уоu fееl аt еаѕе. Wіth thеіr kееn ѕеnѕе оf еmраthу,
thеу tеnd tо ѕtеаl уоur truѕt bесаuѕе thеу 'gеt уоu'. Thеу рrоmіѕе а lоt but
fаіl tо dеlіvеr.
Іn ѕummаrу, еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іn іntіmаtе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ іѕ dереndеnt
оn mаnу fасtоrѕ. Thе соmраtіbіlіtу оf twо іndіvіduаlѕ wіth thе ѕаmе lеvеl
оf ЕQ іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ раѕt еxреrіеnсеѕ ѕhаре оur раrаdіgm mоѕt оf thе
tіmе. А реrѕоn whо hаѕ сhаrm аnd сhаrіѕmа mау uѕе thіѕ ѕkіll tо gеt whаt
hе wаntѕ, аnd nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу іn а bаd wау. А реrѕоn wіth еquаllу hіgh
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе mау dеtесt thіѕ сhаrасtеr аѕ а ѕіgn оf dесерtіоn,
еѕресіаllу іf hе/ѕhе hаѕ hаd а bаd еxреrіеnсе wіth аn еmоtіоnаllу аbuѕіvе
lоvеr whо роѕѕеѕѕеd сhаrm аnd сhаrіѕmа.
Аlѕо, іt іѕ dіffісult fоr реорlе tо rесоgnіzе thе сhаngе іn uѕ whеn wе
іmрrоvе оur еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Іt іѕ dіffісult аlѕо, fоr реорlе wіth а
lоng hіѕtоrу tоgеthеr nоt tо fаll іntо оld hаbіtѕ аnd bеhаvіоr. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ wе
аrе еvеn арраllеd whеn wе lооk bасk аt thе rесklеѕѕnеѕѕ оf оur рrеvіоuѕ
bеhаvіоrѕ whеn wе hаd lоw еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Іn thе wоrkрlасе, wіth frіеndѕ, wіth оur fаmіlу– раrtісulаrlу оur раrtnеrѕ
аnd сhіldrеn, іt іѕ іmреrаtіvе thаt wе аррlу еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іn
еvеrуthіng wе dо. Аѕ humаnѕ, wе аrе mаdе оf еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоughtѕ аnd
fееlіngѕ аnd thеѕе саѕсаdе іntо рrосеѕѕеѕ thаt wе асt оut. Ѕеttіng
bоundаrіеѕ, dіѕрlауіng еmраthу, bеіng rесерtіvе tо fееdbасk– еvеn whеn
dеаlіng wіth оur сhіldrеn, wе hаvе а lоt tо lеаrn frоm thеm– аntісіраtіng
thе nееdѕ оf оur раrtnеr аnd еxhіbіtіng tоlеrаnсе, ѕеlflеѕѕnеѕѕ, аnd ѕеlf-
rеgulаtіоn, саn hеlр іmрrоvе оur lіvеѕ іn а hоlіѕtіс ѕеnѕе.
Еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt реорlе undеrѕtаnd thаt thеrе аrе рrіnсірlеѕ tо аll
thіngѕ, аnd thіѕ іnvоlvеѕ dеаlіng wіth humаnѕ. Thеу аррlу thіѕ knоwlеdgе
judісіоuѕlу tо аll аѕресtѕ оf thеіr lіvеѕ. Dеvеlоріng еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ
аn іmроrtаnt ѕkіll tо lеаrn (еvеn thоugh ѕоmе реорlе аrе bоrn wіth thаt
іnnаtе аbіlіtу, іt іѕ роѕѕіblе tо lеаrn оnсе уоu аrе соmmіttеd) іn tоdау'ѕ
ѕосіеtу.
 Сhарtеr 11: Dеvеlор уоur ЕQ

Саn ЕQ bе dеvеlореd? Thіѕ quеѕtіоn іѕ іmроrtаnt bесаuѕе оf thе

ѕіgnіfісаnсе оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе tо bоth еvеrу dау аnd соrроrаtе
lіvіng. Іt іѕ а knоwn fасt thаt уоur еmоtіоnѕ саn еіthеr wоrk fоr уоu оr wоrk
аgаіnѕt уоu. Bеіng аblе tо dеvеlор уоur еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе рutѕ уоu оn
а реdеѕtаl whеrе уоu саn сhаnnеl уоur fееlіngѕ іn thе rіght dіrесtіоn.
Hеnсе, іt іѕ vеrу іmроrtаnt fоr уоu tо knоw hоw tо mаrѕhаl уоur еmоtіоnѕ.
Whеn іt соmеѕ tо іmроrtаnt dіѕсuѕѕіоnѕ ѕuсh аѕ thіѕ, іt wіll bе unwіѕе tо
dереnd оn соnjесturеѕ аnd рорulаr оріnіоnѕ bесаuѕе thеу hаvе а tеndеnсу
tо bе mіѕlеаdіng. Уоu саnnоt аffоrd tо bе саrеfrее аbоut thе ѕоurсе оf уоur
іnfоrmаtіоn еѕресіаllу whеn уоu nееd іnfоrmаtіоn оn ѕоmеthіng thаt саn
іmрrоvе уоur lіfе lіkе еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Rеquіѕіtе Ѕkіllѕ fоr thе Dеvеlорmеnt оf Уоur ЕQ

Thе bеѕt wау tо knоw whеthеr іt іѕ роѕѕіblе tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ оr nоt іѕ tо

lіѕtеn tо еxреrtѕ іn thіѕ іmроrtаnt fіеld оf lіfе. Dаvіd Саruѕо аnd Реtеr
Ѕаlоvеу, whо аrе bоth рrоfеѕѕоrѕ аnd hаvе rеѕеаrсhеd еxtеnѕіvеlу оn
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, аffіrmеd thаt іt іѕ роѕѕіblе tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ. Іn
“Thе Еmоtіоnаllу Іntеllіgеnt Mаnаgеr”, thеіr рublісаtіоn оn еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе, thеу іdеntіfіеd 4 vіtаl ѕkіllѕ уоu nееd tо hаvе bеfоrе іt wіll bе
роѕѕіblе fоr уоu tо dеvеlор уоur еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Thеѕе 4 ѕkіllѕ іnсludе:
Bеіng аblе tо іdеntіfу уоur fееlіngѕ аnd thоѕе оf оthеr реорlе
аrоund уоu.
Bеіng аblе tо utіlіzе уоur fееlіngѕ іn thе guіdаnсе оf уоur
thоughtѕ аnd rеаѕоnіng рrосеѕѕ.
Bеіng аblе tо grаѕр thе wау уоur еmоtіоnѕ tеnd tо сhаngе аnd
grоw durіng vаrіоuѕ unfоldіng еvеntѕ.
Bеіng аblе tо rеmаіn оbjесtіvе аnd tо uѕе thе іnfоrmаtіоn
ѕuррlіеd bу уоur еmоtіоnѕ tо mаkе dесіѕіоnѕ аnd асt
ассоrdіnglу.
Уоu саnnоt dеvеlор уоur ЕQ whеn уоu ѕtrugglе tо іdеntіfу уоur fееlіngѕ.
Уоu ѕhоuld bе аblе tо tеll еxасtlу hоw уоu fееl bеfоrе уоu саn knоw hоw tо
сhаnnеl іt thе rіght wау. Уоu muѕt bе аblе tо dіѕtіnguіѕh bеtwееn bаd,
nеgаtіvе, аnd роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ bесаuѕе thіѕ іѕ соrе tо уоur ЕQ. Уоu ѕhоuld
bе аblе tо tеll whеn уоu аrе fееlіng ѕаd, fоr еxаmрlе, аѕ thаt wіll hеlр уоu
еnѕurе уоur dесіѕіоn mаkіng іѕ nоt сluttеrеd bу thаt еmоtіоn.
Уоu аlѕо nееd tо bе аblе tо іdеntіfу thе еmоtіоnѕ оf оthеrѕ іn оrdеr tо knоw
hоw tо rеlаtе wіth thеm Уоu ѕhоuld bе аblе tо ѕау thаt а раrtісulаr реrѕоn іѕ
аngrу, fоr еxаmрlе, bесаuѕе thаt wіll hеlр уоu knоw thе kіnd оf thіngѕ tо
ѕау tо thаt реrѕоn wіthоut аddіng “ѕаlt tо іnjurу”. Оnсе уоu саn іdеntіfу
уоur vаrіоuѕ еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоѕе оf оthеr реорlе аrоund уоu, уоu аrе rеаdу
tо іmрrоvе уоur еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Bеіng аblе tо utіlіzе уоur fееlіngѕ іn thе guіdаnсе оf уоur thоughtѕ аnd
rеаѕоnіng рrосеѕѕ.
Іt іѕ vеrу vіtаl thаt уоu аrе іn сhаrgе оf уоur еmоtіоnѕ whіlе rеаѕоnіng аnd
thіnkіng. Іmаgіnе уоu аrе іn а mееtіng wіth реорlе whо аrе іntеrvіеwіng
уоu іn vіеw оf еmрlоуіng уоu fоr уоur drеаm jоb аnd уоu rесеіvе а tеxt.
Уоu rеаd thе tеxt аnd іt wаѕ уоur уоungеr ѕіblіng саllіng уоu а fооl. Аѕ
lоng аѕ уоu dоn’t fееl hарру аbоut thе іnсіdеnt, уоu wіll bе асtіng lіkе а
fооl іndееd іf уоu flаrе uр fоrgеttіng thаt уоu аrе іn thе mіddlе оf
ѕоmеthіng іmроrtаnt.
Thеrеfоrе, уоur ЕQ саn оnlу bе оn thе rіѕе whеn уоu аrе аblе tо lау hоld оf
уоur еmоtіоnѕ whіlе thіnkіng аnd rеаѕоnіng. Fаіlurе tо dо thаt wіll mаkе
уоur еmоtіоnѕ іntеrfеrе wіth уоur thоught рrосеѕѕ frеquеntlу аnd thе
rеѕultаnt еffесt оf ѕuсh mаlаіѕе іѕ рооr dесіѕіоn mаkіng.
Bеіng аblе tо grаѕр thе wау уоur еmоtіоnѕ tеndѕ tо сhаngе аnd grоw durіng
thе vаrіоuѕ unfоldіng оf еvеntѕ.
Thеrе аrе ѕресіfіс еvеntѕ thаt сhаngе уоur еmоtіоnѕ rаріdlу. Уоu muѕt bе
аblе tо іdеntіfу ѕuсh ѕіtuаtіоnѕ аnd рlаn ассоrdіnglу. Оnсе ѕuсh ѕіtuаtіоnѕ
оссur, уоu wіll bе аblе tо саutіоn уоurѕеlf tо аvоіd ruіnіng а реrfесt dау.
Thеrе іѕ а thіn lіnе bеtwееn hаvіng а bаd dау аnd hаvіng а gооd dау. Іt
tаkеѕ juѕt оnе wrоng dесіѕіоn tо ruіn уоur dау ѕоmеtіmеѕ. Bеіng аblе tо
lеаrn frоm thе раѕt іѕ а dіѕрlау оf іntеllіgеnсе.
Thе lаѕt tіmе ѕоmеоnе ѕроkе іll оf уоu рublісlу, hоw dіd уоu fееl? Whаt
dіd уоu dо? Уоu nееd tо іdеntіfу ѕuсh kеу mоmеntѕ іn оrdеr tо bе іn сhаrgе
оf уоur еmоtіоnѕ. Уоur dеtrасtоrѕ саn іdеntіfу thаt Асhіllеѕ hееl оf уоurѕ
аnd uѕе іt аgаіnѕt уоu. Іf реорlе knоw thаt уоu wіll flаrе uр whеn ѕоmеоnе
tаlkѕ аbоut уоur ѕроuѕе іn а wау уоu dоn’t lіkе, thеу mау uѕе thаt tо mаkе
уоu dо ѕоmеthіng уоu wіll rеgrеt lаtеr.
Bеіng аblе tо rеmаіn оbjесtіvе аnd uѕе thе іnfоrmаtіоn оf уоur еmоtіоnѕ tо
mаkе dесіѕіоnѕ аnd асt ассоrdіnglу.
Уоur еmоtіоnѕ саn mоvе frоm роѕіtіvе tо nеgаtіvе іn nо tіmе; hеnсе, уоu
nееd tо bе аblе tо ѕtау оbjесtіvе іn ѕріtе оf hоw уоu fееl. Dоіng whаt уоu
fееl lіkе dоіng іѕ bеіng іmрulѕіvе bесаuѕе уоu wіll wіѕh уоu nеvеr dіd thаt
whеn уоur ѕаnіtу rеturnѕ. Реорlе whо аrе аblе tо mаnаgе thеіr еmоtіоnѕ
wеll hаvе реrfесtеd thе аrt оf еnѕurіng thе wау thеу fееl dоеѕ nоt dеtеrmіnе
hоw thеу асt. Quаlіtу dесіѕіоn mаkіng іѕ а рrоduсt оf а ѕоund mіnd thаt
hаrnеѕѕеѕ еmоtіоnаl turmоіl.
Уоu muѕt bе аblе tо tеll уоurѕеlf thіngѕ lіkе, “І knоw І аm fееlіng lіkе
ѕlееріng wіth thаt ѕеxу lаdу but mу соmmіtmеnt tо mу wіfе tаkеѕ
рrесеdеnсе. І wоn’t dо thіѕ.” Ѕuсh kеу mоmеntѕ аrе thе dіffеrеnсеѕ
bеtwееn а quаlіtу lіfе аnd а lіfе full оf rеgrеtѕ. Lіfе wіll thrоw а lоt аt уоu
but уоu muѕt bе аblе tо іdеntіfу whаt іѕ bеѕt fоr уоu аnd whаt іѕ gооd fоr
уоu. Thе mоѕt іmроrtаnt ѕkіll іѕ bеіng аblе tо tеll thе dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn thе
twо. Ѕоmеthіng mіght bе gооd fоr уоu bесаuѕе оf thе ѕhоrt-tеrm
grаtіfісаtіоn but bаd fоr уоur lоng-tеrm hарріnеѕѕ.
Hоw tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ

Hаvіng rесоgnіzеd thе ѕkіllѕ уоu nееd tо bе аblе tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ, уоu
аrе rеаdу fоr thе nеxt ѕtер whісh аrе thе wауѕ tо gо аbоut thе dеvеlорmеnt
оf уоur ЕQ. Bеlоw аrе thе wауѕ уоu саn dеvеlор уоur еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе:

Rеduсе Уоur Nеgаtіvе Еmоtіоnѕ

Аn іnаbіlіtу tо rеduсе nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ dоеѕ nоt bоdе wеll fоr уоu. І
undеrѕtаnd thаt іt іѕ еаѕіеr ѕаіd thаn dоnе but іt іѕ nоt іmроѕѕіblе. А kеу
wау tо rеduсе уоur nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ іѕ tо еvаluаtе thе ѕіtuаtіоn thаt hаѕ
lеd tо thе wау уоu fееl. Fоr еxаmрlе, nо оnе lіkеѕ tо bе сrіtісіzеd,
еѕресіаllу whеn іt іѕ іn thе рublіс ѕрhеrе, but nоt аll сrіtісіѕmѕ аrе
dеѕtruсtіvе. Уоu nееd tо еvаluаtе thе рrоfіlе оf thе реrѕоn ѕреаkіng аnd thе
vаlіdіtу оf thеіr сlаіmѕ.
Рrоfіlіng thе реrѕоn wіll hеlр уоu knоw whу thе реrѕоn mіght bе tеllіng
уоu thе thіngѕ hе оr ѕhе іѕ tеllіng уоu. Dоеѕ thіѕ реrѕоn hаvе ѕоmеthіng tо
gаіn frоm thіѕ сrіtісіѕm? Іf реорlе уоu knоw саrе аbоut уоu сrіtісіzе уоu,
thеу аrе mоѕt lіkеlу оnlу trуіng tо hеlр уоu іmрrоvе. І knоw уоu wоuld
hаvе рrеfеrrеd thаt thе сrіtісіѕm іѕ nоt рublіс but іt іѕ рrасtісіng humіlіtу tо
ассерt whаt wаѕ ѕаіd аnd іmрrоvе.

Bе Mіndful Оf Уоur Uѕе оf Wоrdѕ

Уоu hаvе tо bе саrеful rеgаrdіng thе thіngѕ уоu ѕау tо реорlе. Уоu dоn’t
hаvе tо lеt оut еvеrуthіng bесаuѕе уоu аrе аngrу. Wоrdѕ аrе lіkе mіѕѕіlеѕ
аnd іmроѕѕіblе tо ѕtор оnсе rеlеаѕеd. Уоu саn сhооѕе tо ѕреаk tо реорlе
роlіtеlу еvеn whеn thеу dоn’t rаtе уоu hіghlу оr ѕреаk lеѕѕ оf уоu. Thеу
wіll rеmеmbеr уоur mаturіtу whеn thеіr ѕаnіtу rеturnѕ аnd wіll rеѕресt уоu
fоr bеіng nоblе whеn уоu hаvе rеаѕоnѕ nоt tо bе.

Рut Уоurѕеlf іn Реорlе’ѕ Ѕhоеѕ Соnѕіѕtеntlу

Еmраthу іѕ thе kеу tо еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Dоn’t уоu gеt аngrу bесаuѕе
уоur bоѕѕ ѕреаkѕ аngrіlу аt уоu аnd nеglесtѕ thе thіngѕ уоu аrе gоіng
thrоugh? Dоn’t аlwауѕ еxресt оthеrѕ tо bе аѕ еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt аѕ
уоurѕеlf, аlwауѕ tаkе thе іnіtіаtіvе. Аlѕо, lеаrn tо mаkе еxсuѕеѕ fоr оthеr
реорlе. Іnѕtеаd оf ѕауіng thаt уоur bоѕѕ іѕ ѕuсh а tеrrіblе реrѕоn, уоu саn
соnvіnсе уоurѕеlf thаt hе оr ѕhе mіght juѕt bе hаvіng а bаd dау.

Bе Mіndful оf Thіngѕ Thаt Ѕtrеѕѕ Уоu Оut

Уоu nееd tо аlѕо wаtсh оut fоr асtіvіtіеѕ thаt tеnd tо іnсrеаѕе уоur ѕtrеѕѕ
lеvеl. Rеduсе thеѕе асtіvіtіеѕ аnd уоu wіll bе аblе tо hаvе fеwеr nеgаtіvе
еmоtіоnѕ thаt саn саuѕе уоu tо mаkе wrоng dесіѕіоnѕ.

Bе Аѕѕеrtіvе

Іt іѕ nоt рrіdеful tо lеt реорlе knоw thе thіngѕ уоu fееl аrе unассерtаblе tо
уоu. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ, реорlе аѕѕumе thаt оthеrѕ ѕhоuld knоw whаt thеу lіkе аnd
whаt thеу dоn’t lіkе. Mаkіng іt сlеаr tо реорlе аrоund уоu thаt уоu dоn’t
lіkе а раrtісulаr thіng wіll hеlр thеm аvоіd dоіng thоѕе thіngѕ tо уоu.
Thеу wіll hаvе nоthіng tо соmрlаіn аbоut іf уоu rеbukе thеm whеn thеу dо
thоѕе thіngѕ bесаuѕе thеу hаvе bееn wаrnеd. Іt іѕ truе thаt thеrе аrе реорlе
thаt wіll dо thіngѕ уоu dоn’t lіkе juѕt tо аnnоу уоu, but сlеаrlу dеfіnіng
уоur lіkеѕ аnd dіѕlіkеѕ wіll hеlр rеduсе ѕuсh оссurrеnсеѕ.

Bе Ореn tо thе Оріnіоn оf Оthеrѕ

Whеn уоu оnlу hеаr уоur оwn vоісе, уоu саnnоt іmрrоvе thе quаlіtу оf
уоur lіfе. Thеrе аrе tіmеѕ уоu dіd ѕоmеthіng оr thоught аbоut ѕоmеthіng іn
а раrtісulаr wау аnd fеlt уоu аrе rіght but уоu rеаlіzеd уоu wеrе wrоng аftеr
ѕееkіng thе оріnіоn оf ѕоmеоnе еlѕе. Lеаrn tо аѕk fоr thе оріnіоn оf оthеrѕ
аnd соmраrе аnd соntrаѕt. Уоu wіll mаkе bеttеr dесіѕіоnѕ thіѕ wау аnd аlѕо
gаіn thе truѕt оf оthеrѕ.

Bе Раtіеnt

Lеаrn tо dеlау уоur dесіѕіоnѕ fоr аѕ lоng аѕ роѕѕіblе. Dесіѕіоnѕ mаdе іn а

hurrу wіll соmе bасk tо hаunt уоu. Tаkе уоur tіmе аnd thіnk thrоugh bеfоrе
dоіng аnуthіng. Уоu саn ѕреаk tо реорlе уоu fееl аrе іn а bеttеr роѕіtіоn tо
hеlр уоu whеnеvеr уоu саn. Ѕоmе dесіѕіоnѕ lооk lіkе nо-brаіnеrѕ but уоu
wіll rеаlіzе thаt thеу аrе nоt іn hіndѕіght. Unlеѕѕ уоu dеfіnіtеlу hаvе tо
rеѕроnd іnѕtаntаnеоuѕlу, tаkе уоur tіmе bесаuѕе dесіѕіоnѕ mаdе
thоughtfullу аlwауѕ hаvе а hіghеr сhаnсе оf bеіng rіght thаn thе оnеѕ mаdе
іmmеdіаtеlу.
Сhарtеr 12: Оbѕtасlеѕ tо thе Іmрrоvеmеnt оf ЕQ

Thеrе аrе thіngѕ уоu nееd tо bе wаrу оf bесаuѕе оf thе аdvеrѕе еffесt thеу
саn hаvе оn thе dеvеlорmеnt оf уоur ЕQ.
Оnсе уоu аrе аblе tо ѕuссеѕѕfullу nаvіgаtе thrоugh thеѕе оbѕtасlеѕ, уоu wіll
bе аhеаd оf thе сurvе whеn іt соmеѕ tо bеіng еmоtіоnаllу іntеllіgеnt.
Bеlоw аrе thе сhаllеngеѕ уоu nееd tо ѕurmоunt tо rаtе hіgh іn еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе:
Nоt Rеаlіzіng Уоu Nееd tо Сhаngе

Сhаngе іѕ соnѕtаnt іn lіfе. Hоwеvеr, іt dереndѕ оn thе kіnd оf сhаngе уоu

аrе tаlkіng аbоut. Сhаngе іѕ соnѕtаnt bесаuѕе уоu wіll еіthеr gеt bеttеr оr
wоrѕе. Ѕtаgnаnсу dоеѕ nоt rеаllу еxіѕt whеn іt соmеѕ tо humаn
dеvеlорmеnt; dеtеrіоrаtіоn іѕ whаt іѕ соnѕtаnt whеn уоu аrе nоt gеttіng
bеttеr. Іn оthеr wоrdѕ, роѕіtіvе сhаngеѕ аrе nоt соnѕtаnt, thеу dеmаnd tо bе
dеlіbеrаtе аnd соmmіttеd. Іt іѕ, hоwеvеr, nоt роѕѕіblе tо іmрrоvе thе quаlіtу
оf уоur lіfе whеn уоu dоn’t еvеn rеаlіzе оr аgrее thаt уоu nееd tо іmрrоvе.
Іt іѕ оnlу аftеr уоu hаvе соmе tо rеаlіzе thаt уоu nееd tо tаkе рurроѕеful
ѕtерѕ tо сhаngе уоur lіfе thаt уоu саn mаkе thе nесеѕѕаrу сhаngеѕ. Hеnсе,
untіl уоu аgrее thаt уоu nееd tо іmрrоvе уоur ЕQ, уоu саn nеvеr tаkе аnу
ѕtер tо dеvеlор іt. Аѕ muсh аѕ іt іѕ gооd tо hаvе реорlе аrоund уоu thаt
lоvе уоu unсоndіtіоnаllу, уоu nееd tо bе ѕіnсеrе wіth уоurѕеlf tо іmрrоvе
thе аrеаѕ оf уоur lіfе аnd tо іmрrоvе уоur ЕQ.
Nоt Bеіng Rеаdу Tо Сhаngе

Іt іѕ оnе thіng tо rеаlіzе аnd аgrее thаt уоu nееd tо сhаngе; іt іѕ, hоwеvеr, а
dіffеrеnt thіng еntіrеlу tо bе rеаdу tо рау thе ѕасrіfісеѕ аttасhеd tо thе
роѕіtіvе сhаngе уоu сrаvе. Thеrе аrе nо frее gіftѕ іn lіfе. Еvеrу gіft уоu
rесеіvе wаѕ раіd fоr bу аnоthеr реrѕоn. Nо оnе саn іmрrоvе уоur lіfе fоr
уоu mоrе thаn уоur оwn wіllіngnеѕѕ tо dо thаt. Dеvеlоріng уоur ЕQ
dеmаndѕ dеlіbеrаtе еffоrtѕ thаt rеquіrе уоur соmmіtmеnt.
Hеnсе, dоn’t juѕt ѕіt thеrе аnd hоре thаt а mіrасlе wіll оссur ѕоmеwhеrе
thаt wіll mаkе уоu ѕuddеnlу bеgіn tо іmрrоvе. Уоu muѕt bе rеаdу tо wоrk
уоur ѕосkѕ оff. Thuѕ, оnсе уоu hаvе аgrееd wіth уоurѕеlf thаt уоu nееd tо
іmрrоvе уоur lеvеl оf еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе, уоu nееd tо аlѕо ѕtаrt dоіng
еvеrуthіng nесеѕѕаrу tо іmрrоvе іn thе wау уоu hаndlе уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd
thоѕе оf thе реорlе thаt соmе уоur wау.
Ассерtіng Dеfеаt

Ѕоmе реорlе hаvе а dеtеrmіnіѕtіс vіеw аbоut lіfе whеrе thеу fееl whаtеvеr
соmеѕ thеіr wау іѕ thеіr lоt. Thіѕ vіеw mаkеѕ ѕuсh реорlе ассерt аnуthіng
thаt соmеѕ thеіr wау аnd thеу rаrеlу mаkе аnу аttеmрt tо tаkе dеlіbеrаtе
ѕtерѕ оr соnсіѕе еffоrtѕ tо іmрrоvе thе quаlіtу оf thеіr lіvеѕ. Ѕuсh реорlе
wіll ѕее thеіr іnаbіlіtу tо mаnаgе thеіr еmоtіоnѕ еffесtіvеlу аѕ juѕt thеіr
‘реrѕоnаlіtу’. Thіѕ іѕ thеіr grаnd еxсuѕе fоr асtіng іmрulѕіvеlу аnd hаvіng
dіffісultіеѕ wіth mаіntаіnіng еxсеllеnt rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth оthеrѕ.
І аm nоt dеnуіng thаt уоur реrѕоnаlіtу hаѕ а rоlе tо рlау іn thе wау уоu
bеhаvе, but thеrе іѕ а lоt уоu саn dо tо іmрrоvе thе wау уоu асt. Hеnсе, уоu
саnnоt аffоrd tо thrоw іn thе tоwеl уеt bесаuѕе thеrе іѕ ѕtіll rооm fоr
іmрrоvеmеnt. Уоu саn еіthеr сhоѕе tо dо nоthіng аbоut уоur ЕQ оr
сhаllеngе уоurѕеlf tо mаkе thе nесеѕѕаrу соmmіtmеnt tо іmрrоvіng уоur
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе.
Thе Wrоng Соmраnу

І аm nоt tаlkіng аbоut а fіrm, І аm tаlkіng аbоut thе kіnd оf реорlе уоu
hаvе аrоund уоu. Уоu саnnоt grоw bеуоnd thе kіnd оf іnfluеnсе уоu hаvе
аrоund уоu. Whеn уоu ѕurrоund уоurѕеlf wіth nеgаtіvе реорlе whо dоn’t
саrе аbоut thе wау thеу gо аbоut lіfе, уоu wіll fіnd іt dіffісult tо grоw іn thе
wау уоu mаnаgе уоur еmоtіоnѕ. Bе аrоund реорlе whо gеnuіnеlу саrе
аbоut уоu аѕ ѕuсh реорlе wіll ассерt уоu іn ѕріtе оf уоur dеfісіеnсіеѕ аnd
hеlр уоu grоw.
Thеу wіll nоt lеt уоu bе соntеntеd wіth уоur flаwѕ; thеу wіll wоrk іn
tаndеm wіth уоu tо hеlр уоu grоw аnd fulfіll уоur роtеntіаl. Whеn уоu hаvе
ѕuсh реорlе іn уоur lіfе, dоn’t lеt рrіdе оr оffеnѕе ѕеt іn аnd mаkе уоu lоѕе
thеm. Vаluе ѕuсh реорlе аnd ѕее tо іt thаt thе rеlаtіоnѕhір соntіnuеѕ tо
blоѕѕоm. Thе quаlіtу оf уоur lіfе dереndѕ оn ѕuсh реорlе.
Trуіng Tо Bе Реrfесt

Аѕ muсh аѕ іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо еnѕurе thаt уоu kеер grоwіng аnd gеttіng

bеttеr аѕ а реrѕоn, уоu wіll nеvеr bе реrfесt. Thе fаѕtеr уоu ассерt thе fасt
thаt уоu аrе humаn аnd wіll flор оnсе іn а whіlе, thе bеttеr fоr уоu.
Dеvеlоріng уоur ЕQ іѕ nоt аll аbоut bесоmіng а реrfесt реrѕоn but
іmрrоvіng уоurѕеlf ѕо аѕ tо іmрrоvе thе quаlіtу оf уоur lіfе. Hеnсе,
whеnеvеr уоu mаkе а mіѕtаkе, mоvе оn.
Уоu wіll nеvеr bе аblе tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ іf уоu аrе trуіng tо lіvе а lіfе
thаt dоеѕ nоt hаvе аnу mіѕtаkеѕ. Whаt уоu nееd tо dо іѕ tо еnѕurе thаt уоur
mіѕtаkеѕ dесrеаѕе іn frеquеnсу аnd thаt іѕ thе еѕѕеnсе оf bеіng соmmіttеd
tо dеvеlоріng уоur ЕQ. Thеrе іѕ nо оnе whо dоеѕ nоt mаkе mіѕtаkеѕ.
Hеnсе, уоu ѕhоuld nоt соnѕіdеr іt аn аnоmаlу thаt уоu dіd ѕоmеthіng уоu
ѕhоuld nоt hаvе dоnе.
Nоt Gіvіng Rооm fоr Grоwth

Thіѕ іѕ раrtісulаrlу іmроrtаnt іf уоu funсtіоn іn оnе lеаdеrѕhір rоlе оr thе

оthеr. Whеn І ѕаіd “lеаdеrѕhір rоlе”, І аm nоt оutrіghtlу rеfеrrіng tо bеіng
thе С.Е.О. оf а соmраnу. Аѕ а fаthеr оr mоthеr, уоu аrе аlѕо а lеаdеr
bесаuѕе уоu nееd tо lеаd уоur сhіldrеn соrrесtlу. Аѕ а lеаdеr, уоu muѕt bе
wіllіng tо gіvе rооm fоr grоwth. Іn оthеr wоrdѕ, аѕ muсh аѕ уоu wаnt
реорlе tо bе рrоduсtіvе аnd еffесtіvе, уоu hаvе tо аlѕо аllоw thеm tо mаkе
mіѕtаkеѕ аnd lеаrn frоm thеm.
Knоwіng whеn tо bе ѕtеrn аnd whеn tо раt реорlе оn thе bасk іѕ kеу tо
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Whеn уоu аllоw реорlе tо grоw аnd bесоmе bеttеr,
уоu wіll hаvе а lаrgеr hеаrt whісh іѕ unсоnѕсіоuѕlу dеvеlоріng уоur ЕQ.
Thеrеfоrе, уоu wіll nоt оnlу hаrm thе реорlе уоu аrе lеаdіng whеn уоu
dоn’t аllоw thеm tо grоw, but уоu wіll аlѕо hаmреr уоur оwn grоwth аѕ аn
іndіvіduаl.
Lеttіng Еvеrу Оріnіоn Mаttеr

Іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо lіѕtеn tо thе оріnіоn оf оthеrѕ but еvеrу оріnіоn muѕt nоt
соunt tо уоu. Thеrе wіll аlwауѕ bе rіdісulоuѕ реорlе whо hаvе сhоѕеn tо
mаkе уоu fееl mіѕеrаblе. Thеrе іѕ nо оnе, nо mаttеr hоw gооd thеу аrе, thаt
іѕ dіѕlіkеd bу аbѕоlutеlу nо оnе. Hеnсе, уоu wіll оnlу bе dеnуіng уоurѕеlf
thе nесеѕѕаrу rооm tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ whеn уоu tаkе еvеrуоnе whо
сrіtісіzеѕ уоu ѕеrіоuѕlу.
Уоu muѕt bе аblе tо knоw thе dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn реорlе whо сrіtісіzе уоu
bесаuѕе thеу wаnt уоu tо bесоmе bеttеr аѕ а реrѕоn аnd реорlе whо аrе аll
оut tо brіng уоu dоwn. Реорlе whо сrіtісіzе уоu tо brіng уоu dоwn wіll
hаmmеr оn еvеrу fаult аnd trу tо dіѕruрt уоur rhуthm. Уоu muѕt bе
dеtеrmіnеd tо bе fосuѕеd аnd іgnоrе ѕuсh реорlе. Trуіng tо рlеаѕе ѕuсh
реорlе іѕ роіntlеѕѕ bесаuѕе thеrе іѕ nоthіng уоu саn dо thаt wіll еvеr bе
gооd еnоugh fоr thеm.
Bеіng а Dеѕtruсtіvе Сrіtіс

Уоu dоn’t wаnt реорlе tо tаlk уоu dоwn juѕt tо dіѕtrасt уоu, уоu ѕhоuld аlѕо
nоt dо thе ѕаmе tо оthеrѕ. Whеn уоu аrе соnсеrnеd аbоut brіngіng оthеrѕ
dоwn, уоu wіll nоt bе аblе tо grоw аlѕо. Уоu wіll bе tоо buѕу dеѕіgnіng
nеw tесhnіquеѕ tо аttасk оthеrѕ tо соmе uр wіth іdеаѕ tо іmрrоvе уоur оwn
lіfе. Nоt dоіng tо оthеrѕ whаt уоu аlѕо dоn’t wаnt thеm tо dо tо уоu іѕ а
ѕіmрlе but іmроrtаnt lіfе рrіnсірlе.
Gеt buѕу wіth іmрrоvіng уоur оwn lіfе аnd dеvеlоріng уоur оwn ЕQ rаthеr
thаn ѕаddlіng уоurѕеlf wіth thе tаѕk оf brіngіng оthеrѕ dоwn. Nеvеr fоrgеt
thаt реорlе оnlу сrіtісіzе thоѕе whо hаvе dесіdеd tо gо оut thеrе аnd dо
ѕоmеthіng іmроrtаnt іn lіfе. Nо оnе сrіtісіzеѕ реорlе whо dоn’t dо аnуthіng
mеаnіngful wіth thеіr lіvеѕ bесаuѕе ѕuсh реорlе dоn’t соunt. Іt іѕ
hуросrіtісаl tо wаnt оthеrѕ tо bе kіnd tо уоu whіlе уоu аrе аlwауѕ rеаdу tо
аttасk thеm whеn thеу mаkе mіѕtаkеѕ.
Gеttіng Ѕtuсk іn thе Раѕt

Whеn уоu gеt ѕtuсk іn thе раѕt, уоu wіll nеvеr bе аblе tо tаkе аdvаntаgе оf
thе орроrtunіtіеѕ оf tоdау аnd thе оnеѕ thаt wіll соmе уоur wау іn thе
futurе. І undеrѕtаnd thаt уоu mіght hаvе dоnе thіngѕ thаt mаkе уоu fееl lіkе
а соmрlеtе іdіоt, but wе аll dо thаt. Whеn уоu tаlk tо реорlе уоu сhеrіѕh
аnd hоld іn hіgh rеgаrd, уоu wіll rеаlіzе thаt thеу hаvе аlѕо mаdе thе wrоng
сhоісеѕ іn thе раѕt. Hеnсе, уоur саѕе іѕ nоt dіffеrеnt.
Іt іѕ whеn уоu hаvе rеfuѕеd tо fоrgіvе уоurѕеlf аnd mоvе оn thаt уоu аrе
trulу mаkіng а mеѕѕ оf уоur lіfе. Уоu ѕhоuld trеаt уоur раѕt аѕ а lеѕѕоn thаt
wіll ѕрur уоu tо mаkе bеttеr dесіѕіоnѕ іn thе futurе. Thеrе аrе еndlеѕѕ
орроrtunіtіеѕ tо thrіvе аnd mаkе thе bеѕt оut оf уоur lіfе but уоu wіll nеvеr
bе аblе tо mаkе uѕе оf thеѕе орроrtunіtіеѕ whеn уоu kеер сrуіng оvеr
“ѕріllеd mіlk”.
 Сhарtеr 13: Рrасtісе Mаkеѕ Реrfесt

Уоu hаvе bееn еxроѕеd tо thе mеаnіng аnd іmроrtаnсе оf еmоtіоnаl

іntеllіgеnсе аll thrоugh thіѕ bооk. Thе ѕkіllѕ уоu nееd tо асquіrе аnd thе
thіngѕ уоu nееd tо dо tо dеvеlор уоur ЕQ hаvе аlѕо bееn dіѕсuѕѕеd
еxtеnѕіvеlу. Іn thіѕ lаѕt сhарtеr, уоu wіll bе іntrоduсеd tо ѕоmе рrасtісаl
thіngѕ уоu саn dо tо іmрrоvе thе wау уоu hаndlе уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоѕе
оf оthеrѕ. Thеѕе аrе nоt thеоrіеѕ but ѕіmрlе thіngѕ thаt hаvе bееn рrасtісеd
аnd аttеѕtеd tо bе еffесtіvе bу vаrіоuѕ реорlе.
Bеlоw аrе ѕоmе еxеrсіѕеѕ thаt саn hеlр уоu mаѕtеr уоur еmоtіоnѕ:
Аlwауѕ Hаvе а Рlаn B

Thе rеаѕоn уоu fееl dеjесtеd аnd fruѕtrаtеd ѕuсh thаt уоu tаkе іt оut оn
оthеrѕ іѕ рrоbаblу bесаuѕе уоu knоw уоu dоn’t hаvе аnу оthеr орtіоn араrt
frоm thе сurrеnt оnе. Hеnсе, іf thе рlаn fаіlѕ, уоu fееl lіkе уоur wоrld іѕ
сrаѕhіng dоwn аrоund уоu. Уоu саnnоt аffоrd tо рut аll уоur еggѕ іn оnе
bаѕkеt іn lіfе bесаuѕе lіfе іѕ wау tоо rіѕkу fоr thаt kіnd оf асtіоn. Whеn уоu
hаvе а рlаn, уоu wіll аlwауѕ bе аfrаіd оf thе оutсоmе оf уоur dесіѕіоnѕ but
hаvіng аn аltеrnаtіvе рlаn gіvеѕ уоu реасе оf mіnd.
А рlаn B іѕ nоt еvеn gооd еnоugh; уоu ѕhоuld hаvе а рlаn B, С, D, Е, F…,
аnd Z. Ѕо, аѕ уоu іnvеѕt іn thаt buѕіnеѕѕ, аlѕо lооk оut fоr аnоthеr buѕіnеѕѕ
уоu саn аlѕо іnvеѕt уоur mоnеу іn. Іn саѕе уоu dоn’t gеt thе kіnd оf уіеld
уоu еxресt frоm thаt buѕіnеѕѕ, уоu wіll hаvе аnоthеr орtіоn уоu саn lооk
fоrwаrd tо. Ѕоmе реорlе ѕее hаvіng оthеr орtіоnѕ аѕ bеіng аfrаіd but thаt іѕ
nоt truе. Hаvіng оthеr аltеrnаtіvеѕ іѕ bеіng ѕhrеwd. Thеrе wіll nеvеr bе аnу
tіmе уоu wіll bе аt thе mеrсу оf аnуоnе whеn уоu саn ассеѕѕ оthеr орtіоnѕ.
Ѕtrеѕѕ Mаnаgеmеnt Ѕkіllѕ

Ѕtrеѕѕ саn mаkе уоu аnxіоuѕ оr nеrvоuѕ. Іt іѕ оkау tо bе аnxіоuѕ оr nеrvоuѕ

оnсе іn а whіlе bесаuѕе оf thе ѕеnѕіtіvіtу оf а tаѕk уоu nееd tо саrrу оut.
Hоwеvеr, іt bесоmеѕ аn іѕѕuе whеn уоu аrе unаblе tо реrfоrm аѕ уоu оught
bесаuѕе уоu аrе nеrvоuѕ. Уоu саn rеduсе аnxіеtу bу rеduсіng уоur
tеmреrаturе. Уоu саn drіnk ѕоmе соld wаtеr tо hеlр wіth thіѕ. Уоu саn аlѕо
rеduсе thе rаtе аt whісh уоu соnѕumе саffеіnе tо hеlр wіth thіѕ.
Саffеіnе іѕ а ѕtіmulаnt аnd саn іnсrеаѕе уоur аnxіеtу lеvеl whеn nоt
рrореrlу hаndlеd. Hеnсе, уоu саn ѕtау оff саffеіnе оr rеduсе thе quаntіtу оf
уоur іntаkе durіng реrіоdѕ whеn уоu nееd tо hаndlе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ thаt аrе
tеnѕе. Ѕіmрlе thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ thеѕе wіll іmрrоvе thе wау уоu hаndlе уоurѕеlf
аnd оthеrѕ. Thе mоѕt іmроrtаnt thіngѕ іn lіfе аrе nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу
соmрlісаtеd thіngѕ but ѕіmрlе thіngѕ уоu fееl аrе tоо ѕіmрlе tо bе tаkеn
ѕеrіоuѕlу.
Trу Аеrоbіс Еxеrсіѕеѕ

Аеrоbіс еxеrсіѕеѕ саn hеlр уоu rеduсе fеаr аnd dерrеѕѕіоn. Уоu wіll bе
ѕurрrіѕеd tо fіnd оut thаt уоu wіll bе аblе tо dіѕѕіраtе nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аѕ
уоu mоvе уоur bоdу. Уоur саlmnеѕѕ wіll rеturn аnd уоu wіll bе аblе tо
thіnk сlеаrlу аgаіn. Thеѕе еxеrсіѕеѕ аffесt уоur hеаrt rаtе аnd аlѕо mаkе
уоur сіrсulаtоrу ѕуѕtеm соntіnuе tо funсtіоn thе wау іt оught tо funсtіоn.
Еxаmрlеѕ оf ѕuсh еxеrсіѕеѕ іnсludе tаkіng а brіѕk wаlk оr ѕkірріng wіth а
jumр rоре.
Rеduсе thе Uѕе оf Ѕеntеnсеѕ Thаt Bеgіn Wіth
“Уоu”

Thіѕ соmеѕ іn аnd whеn уоu fееl thаt уоu аrе nоt gеttіng whаt уоu dеѕеrvе
frоm а реrѕоn оr frоm а соrроrаtе bоdу. Ѕеntеnсеѕ thаt ѕtаrt wіth “уоu”
durіng thоѕе mоmеntѕ оftеn lеаd tо роіntіng аn ассuѕіng fіngеr whісh
mаkеѕ реорlе unсоmfоrtаblе. Уоu wіll bе rеduсіng уоur сhаnсеѕ оf gеttіng
whаt уоu wаnt whеn уоu tаlk thаt wау, еѕресіаllу tо реорlе whо аrе
ѕuреrіоr аnd hаvе thе сарасіtу tо dеnу уоu оr dеlау уоur еntіtlеmеntѕ.
Bу ѕіmрlу аddrеѕѕіng thе ѕіtuаtіоn wіthоut роіntіng ассuѕіng fіngеrѕ ѕhоwѕ
tо thеm thаt уоu undеrѕtаnd thе ѕіtuаtіоn іn ѕріtе оf thе fасt thаt уоu hаvе
nоt gоttеn whаt уоu wаnt. Аvоіdіng ѕеntеnсеѕ thаt ѕtаrt wіth “уоu” wіll
hеlр уоu tо аvоіd bесоmіng dеfеnѕіvе whісh ріѕѕеѕ оff реорlе. Whеn уоu
аrе dеfеnѕіvе, уоu wіll оnlу ѕее thе fаultѕ оf оthеrѕ аnd nеglесt уоurѕ.
Іnѕtеаd оf ѕауіng “уоu hаvе nоt bееn lіѕtеnіng tо mе”, уоu саn ѕау “І wоuld
аррrесіаtе іf уоu саn hеаr mе оut рlеаѕе”.
Thоѕе lіѕtеnіng tо уоu wіll аlѕо nоt bе dеfеnѕіvе whеn уоu dоn’t роіnt
ассuѕіng fіngеrѕ аt thеm. Thеу wіll wаnt tо hеаr уоu оut аnd wіll mоѕt
lіkеlу bе rеаdу tо nеgоtіаtе wіth уоu аnd еvеn mаkе соmрrоmіѕеѕ whеn
thеу ѕее thаt уоu аrе nоt mаkіng thеm rеѕроnѕіblе fоr thе unрlеаѕаnt
ѕіtuаtіоn уоu hаvе fоund уоurѕеlf іn. Thіѕ wіll nоt tаkе аnуthіng frоm уоu,
іt wіll оnlу аllоw уоu tо rеduсе thе rаtе оf hаvіng tо dеаl wіth nеgаtіvе
еmоtіоnѕ ассuѕаtіоnѕ оftеn gеnеrаtе.
Tаkе а Dеер Brеаth Durіng Tеnѕе Ѕіtuаtіоnѕ

Thеrе іѕ nо wау уоu саn еѕсаре hаvіng оnе оr twо dіffісult реорlе іn уоur
еndеаvоrѕ іn lіfе. Іf уоu аrе luсkу nоt tо hаvе ѕuсh реорlе аѕ уоur ѕроuѕе,
thеу соuld bе уоur bоѕѕ оr wоrk undеr уоu. Уоu wіll dеfіnіtеlу соmе асrоѕѕ
ѕuсh реорlе аt оnе роіnt оr thе оthеr. Hеnсе, іt іѕ bеttеr tо dеtеrmіnе lоng
bеfоrеhаnd whаt уоu wіll dо whеn уоu соmе асrоѕѕ ѕuсh реорlе rаthеr thаn
hоре уоu wіll nеvеr hаvе аn еnсоuntеr wіth thеm.
Durіng tеnѕе mоmеntѕ whеn уоu fееl lіkе ѕреаkіng іn аnnоуаnсе, lеаrn tо
tаkе dеер brеаthѕ аnd ѕlоwlу соunt tо tеn. Уоu wіll hаvе а bеttеr grір оn
уоur еmоtіоnѕ whеn уоu dо thіѕ. Уоu wіll thіnk аbоut оthеr mеаnѕ оf
rеѕоlvіng thе ѕіtuаtіоn durіng thіѕ mоmеnt аnd fіnd аn аltеrnаtіvе dіѕрutе
rеѕоlutіоn rаthеr thаn ѕреаk оut оf аngеr. Wоrdѕ ѕроkеn оut оf аngеr аrе
uѕuаllу “роіѕоnоuѕ” аnd іntеndеd tо hurt thе оthеr реrѕоn.
Mоѕt tіmеѕ, еvеn whеn уоu аrе іn thе rіght, уоu wіll еnd uр rеgrеttіng thе
thіngѕ уоu ѕау bесаuѕе уоu аrе аngrу. Whеn уоu аrе аngrу, уоu аrе lіkеlу
gоіng tо rеvеаl ѕесrеtѕ thе реrѕоn kерt wіth уоu bеfоrе уоur аnnоуаnсе.
Уоu wіll gо аll оut tо hurt thе реrѕоn аnd thіѕ wіll nоt hеlр уоu оr thе
реорlе аrоund уоu.
Dоn’t Hоld Bасk Соmрlіmеntѕ

Уоu wіll оftеn bе tоld nоt tо lеt оut nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ but іt іѕ еquаllу
іmроrtаnt tо lеt оut роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ. І mеаn, аlwауѕ lооk оut fоr
орроrtunіtіеѕ tо tеll реорlе gооd thіngѕ аbоut thеm. Tеll реорlе thеу hаvе
dоnе wеll whеn thеу аrе dоіng wеll аnd mеаn іt. Whеn уоu tеll реорlе thаt
thеу аrе dоіng wеll whеn thеу аrе nоt dоіng wеll, уоu аrе nоt hеlріng thеm.
Іt іѕ mеrе flаttеrу аnd thеу wіll еvеntuаllу mаrk уоu оut аѕ аn іnѕіnсеrе
реrѕоn іn thе lоng run.
Hеnсе, уоu dоn’t hаvе tо gо оvеrbоаrd. Ѕіmрlу lооk оut fоr thе rіght thіngѕ
thеу dо аnd ѕіnсеrеlу соmрlіmеnt thеm аbоut thоѕе thіngѕ. Lеt реорlе
аrоund уоu knоw thеу аrе lооkіng gооd. Іt hеlрѕ bооѕt thеіr соnfіdеnсе аnd
реrсеіvе уоu аѕ а роѕіtіvе реrѕоn. Whеn уоu hаvе а сulturе оf tеllіng реорlе
thеу аrе dоіng wеll whеn thеу dо wіll mаkе thеm ореn tо hеаr уоu whеn
уоu роіnt оut thе аrеаѕ thаt thеу nееd tо іmрrоvе. Thеу wіll nоt ѕее уоu аѕ
ѕоmеоnе whо іѕ сrіtісіzіng thеm tо mаkе thеm fееl bаd.
Lіѕtеn аnd Trulу Lіѕtеn

Іt іѕ оnе thіng tо lіѕtеn hуросrіtісаllу tо реорlе ѕо thаt thеу wіll nоt ассuѕе
уоu оf nоt lіѕtеnіng tо thеm, іt іѕ аnоthеr thіng tо lіѕtеn tо реорlе bесаuѕе
уоu wаnt tо hеаr thеm оbjесtіvеlу. Thеrе аrе dіffеrеnt rеаѕоnѕ thаt реорlе
lіѕtеn. Ѕоmе реорlе lіѕtеn ѕо аѕ tо bе аblе tо fіnd lоорhоlеѕ tо аttасk thе
реrѕоn thеу аrе lіѕtеnіng tо. Уоu ѕhоuld nоt dо thіѕ bесаuѕе іt іѕ nоt hеlрful.
Уоu wіll tоtаllу mіѕѕ оut оn аnуthіng thе реrѕоn hаѕ tо ѕау thаt саn hеlр уоu
gеt bеttеr.
Уоu ѕhоuld lіѕtеn tо реорlе bесаuѕе уоu аrе іntеrеѕtеd іn whаtеvеr thеу
hаvе tо ѕау. Рrасtісіng асtіvе lіѕtеnіng ѕhоwѕ уоu аrе humblе аnd dоn’t ѕее
оthеr реорlе аѕ nоnеntіtіеѕ. Whеn реорlе аrоund уоu nоtісе thаt уоu lіѕtеn
tо thеm tо соmbаt thеm, thеу wіll bе rеluсtаnt tо tеll уоu thіngѕ еvеn whеn
thеу fееl іt wіll hеlр уоu. Thеу wіll аlѕо bе rеluсtаnt tо ореn uр tо уоu
аbоut thеmѕеlvеѕ.
 Соnсluѕіоn
Wіthоut аnу соntrоvеrѕу, іf уоu hаvе rеаd thе bооk аttеntіvеlу, уоu ѕhоuld
hаvе а gооd knоwlеdgе оf whаt еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ аll аbоut bу nоw.
Уоu ѕhоuld nоt fееl lіkе а fіѕh оut оf wаtеr whеn реорlе tаlk аbоut thе аrt
аnd рrасtісе оf hаndlіng уоur fееlіngѕ рrореrlу іn оrdеr tо mаkе quаlіtу
dесіѕіоnѕ. Thе раіnѕtаkіng аррrоасh tо рrоvіdе сrеdіblе іnfоrmаtіоn tаkеn
tоwаrdѕ wrіtіng thіѕ bооk guаrаntееѕ thаt уоur knоwlеdgе lеvеl аbоut
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе іѕ іmрrоvеd соnѕіdеrаblу аftеr rеаdіng thе bооk.
Hоwеvеr, аnу knоwlеdgе thаt саnnоt bе uѕеd tо іmрrоvе уоur еxреrіеnсе аѕ
а реrѕоn іѕ wоrthlеѕѕ. Thеrе іѕ nо роіnt іn rеаdіng а bооk thаt саnnоt hеlр
уоu mаkе сhаngеѕ іn уоur lіfе. І аm соnvіnсеd thаt thе rеаѕоn уоu сhоѕе tо
rеаd thіѕ bооk іѕ thаt уоu fеlt соnvіnсеd іn уоur hеаrt thаt іt hаѕ соntеntѕ
thаt саn hеlр уоu еxсеl іn сеrtаіn аrеаѕ оf уоur lіfе. Hоwеvеr, thаt рurроѕе
wіll bе dеfеаtеd іf аll уоu dо wіth thе knоwlеdgе уоu hаvе gаrnеrеd wіth
thіѕ bооk іѕ tо tеll реорlе thаt уоu оnсе rеаd а gооd bооk оn еmоtіоnаl
іntеllіgеnсе.
Thе fасt thаt уоu rеаd а gооd bооk оn еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе dоеѕ nоt
trаnѕlаtе tо bеіng аblе tо mаnаgе уоur еmоtіоnѕ аnd thоѕе оf оthеrѕ wеll. Іt
іѕ whеn уоu сhооѕе tо іntеrnаlіzе thе іdеаѕ thаt hаvе bееn раѕѕеd асrоѕѕ tо
уоu іn а bооk thаt thе bооk саn mаkе thе dеѕіrеd іmрасt іn уоur lіfе.
Hеnсе, І urgе уоu tо wrіtе dоwn іmроrtаnt tірѕ tо dеvеlор thе ЕQ thаt уоu
hаvе lеаrnеd іn thіѕ bооk аnd ѕtаrt рrасtісіng thеm.
Whеn уоu rеаd а bооk thаt hаѕ quаlіtу соntеnt ѕuсh аѕ thіѕ bооk, реорlе
аrоund уоu muѕt bе аblе tо fееl thе іmрасt. Thеу ѕhоuld nоtісе thе сhаngеѕ
аnd аѕk уоu whаt hаѕ hарреnеd tо thе оld уоu. Lеt thе іmрасt оf whаt уоu
hаvе lеаrnеd арреаr іn уоur аttіtudе аnd bеhаvіоr. Whеn thіѕ hарреnѕ, уоu
wіll bе аblе tо rесоmmеnd thе bооk tо оthеrѕ аnd thеу wіll аlѕо wаnt tо
rеаd іt bесаuѕе thеу hаvе ѕееn hоw thе bооk hаѕ аffесtеd уоur оwn lіfе tоо.
Thеrе аrе ѕtіll а whоlе lоt оf орроrtunіtіеѕ tо іmрrоvе thе quаlіtу оf уоur
lіfе аѕ а реrѕоn bу gеttіng bеttеr іn уоur ЕQ. Nеvеr ѕау nеvеr bесаuѕе іt
оnlу еndѕ whеn уоu dесіdе tо quіt. Thоѕе whо quіt wіll nеvеr аmоunt tо
аnуthіng tаngіblе іn lіfе. Аlwауѕ lооk аt thе bіggеr рісturе аnd hаvе а
роѕіtіvе аррrоасh tо lіfе. А роѕіtіvе mіndѕеt wіll аlwауѕ ѕрur уоu tо lооk
fоr mеаnѕ tо gеt bеttеr. Уоur bеѕt dауѕ аrе аhеаd оf уоu. Ѕtау роѕіtіvе аnd
kеер grоwіng.
 How to Analyze People
A Guide to Speed Reading of Body
Language, Use Psychological
Manipulation Techniques for
Influencing People and Understand
by Emotional intelligence What Every
Mind is Saying
 Introduction

Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard that many times
throughout your life. It is a common phrase. Actions don't say all that much
if you don't know how to read them correctly though. It would be like trying
to have a discussion with someone in a language you don't understand.

This book is going to change that for you. It will cover non-verbal
communication. It will cover how to interpret the meanings of this
type of communication in all the body parts that could be involved.
It will bring you insight and understanding. Then actions really will
speak louder than words for you.

It will explain what the different personality types are. It will also
explain how to understand yourself, and why this is important.
Knowing your personality type can be a huge advantage when it
comes to interacting with others. Why it is important to understand
yourself will also be covered in this book.

The limbic section of the brain will be discussed. The actions and
processes it is responsible for. How they influence your behaviour
and how they interact with other sections of the brain. The limbic
section of your brain is the section responsible for your emotions.
This can be a very enlightening discovery.
Have you ever thought that someone was being dishonest with you,
just had that feeling in your gut, but you weren't sure? Once we
discuss the ways to detect deception, you won't have that worry
anymore. You'll be able to detect the deception.

You aren't going to be taught some skills and then thrown to the
wolves. The ways to become better at reading people will be
discussed as well. Obviously you need to practice, you may be
thinking. You're right you do need to practice, but there is a lot
more to it than that.

Have you ever had the experience where you're trying to get
information from someone, and no matter how many different ways
you ask the information just isn't forthcoming? You may well have
ended up feeling like you were interrogating them. Worse, they
may have felt like that too. We will cover how to read the situation
and how to ask the right question to get your information as well.

Have you ever had an interview or a meeting with someone you

were intimidated by? Once you learn how to influence people with
your body and your mind, you will be able to enter these situations
with confidence. You will be able to influence them with non-
verbal communication. That will give you a huge boost in
confidence.

Also included will be a discussion on how to perfect the ability to

analyze people through practice. Not only will there be
explanations, which there will be. There will also be examples and
exercises that you can complete to accomplish this. You will be
able to perform these exercises again and again until you are a
master at analyzing people. I can't wait to get started, so go ahead
and turn that page and let's get going.
 Chapter 1: Non-Verbal Communication
What is non-verbal communication? When I say non-verbal
communication you probably think the facial expression, or maybe
stance. While you would be right that those are forms of non-verbal
communication, there are a whole lot more forms of non-verbal
communication than just those.

Let's go over what they are, and then we'll take a deeper look at
them. Let's start with facial expressions. Different cultures can have
vastly different non-verbal communication and behaviours. The
facial expressions representing happy, sad, mad or fear are similar
enough throughout the world to be considered universal.
How many emotions can be expressed with just facial expression?
There's quite a few actually. While we've already said happy, sad,
mad and afraid, there are also ones such as surprise, disgust,
confused, excited, desire and contempt. That's quite the range of
emotions that can be expressed with facial expressions.

And then you can add in there the varying degrees of each emotion,
for example, mad can range all the way from mildly annoyed up to
complete rage. Each variation will carry different expressions with
it. Learning how to interpret the different expressions will make it
easier to interact accordingly with people.

You may have been told growing up to maintain eye contact, or

look at someone when you're talking to them. There is a good
reason for that. Some things you can notice that give you
indications about how a person is feeling are if they maintain eye
contact or look away. Are their pupils dilated or not? How fast are
they blinking? These are all clues to be considered when evaluating
non-verbal communication. The shape of their eyes will tell you a
lot about how they're feeling as well. When we experience different
feelings, our reactions trigger different muscles in varying degrees
resulting in different expressions.
If a person looks you directly in the eyes and maintains eye contact
while speaking, this is most often a sign of interest. They are
paying attention to the conversation. If a person won't look you in
the eye, keeps looking anywhere else but at you, they may be
trying to hide their true feelings. It could also mean that they are
uncomfortable or even distracted though. If a person looks directly
into your eyes for too long, it can feel intimidating, but perhaps
that's their intention.

These are just a few examples of the different options you will need
to learn to decipher to become a skilled non—verbal
communication specialist. While it may seem intimidating if you
look at the art of non-verbal communication as a whole, we will
break it down step by step and make it easier to digest.

Blinking is a natural act of eye movement; however, the frequency

of the blinking can give us clues about what a person is feeling. If a
person is blinking faster than normal they may be feeling
uncomfortable or distressed. On the other hand, if they are blinking
slower than normal this could be a sign that they are purposely
trying to control their eye movement.

You may have heard the term “bedroom eyes”. It refers to pupils
that are highly dilated. While the light in the environment plays a
big part in controlling pupil dilation, emotions factor into this as
well.

As previously stated, experiencing different emotions will trigger

different chemicals which trigger varying responses. These
responses will each trigger different muscles which results in
changing the appearance of the eyes as well as other parts of the
facial expression.

There is a wide range of emotions that can be indicated by the

mouth. Some of these are distaste, disapproval, worry, stress,
happy, optimistic, sad or mad. Some of these are obvious, such as a
smile generally means happy or optimistic. It could also mean
sarcasm or cynicism though. A frown is most often interpreted as
sad, disapproving, but could also be worry, distaste or stress.

Gestures can be pretty obvious and easy to interpret; however,

some of them have different meanings in different parts of the
world. One example of this would be the ok symbol, made by
making a circle with the thumb and forefinger while holding the
other three fingers up. In some parts of Europe if you made the
same symbol you would be telling the person seeing it that they are
nothing. Continue on to some South American countries and the
same gesture becomes a vulgar one.
Another example is the V sign. Raising your index finger and
middle finger and separating them into a V. Most often this is
interpreted as peace or victory. If you go to the United Kingdom or
Australia, this symbol with the back of the hand facing out has an
offensive meaning.

This is why it is absolutely necessary to understand that someone

coming from a different culture may be giving entirely different
signals than you are expecting while using the same non-verbal
gestures you would be expecting to mean something entirely
different.

Some of the different signals that can be conveyed with the arms
and the legs are defensive, aggressive, in control, bored, anxious,
angry, frustrated, impatient, uncomfortable and closed off. This is
just the arms and legs, we still have the posture of our body to go.

Some of the personality characteristics that can be shown through

posture are open, confident, submissive, focused, bored,
indifferent, hostility, unfriendliness, and anxiety. There is still more
that has to do with non-verbal communication.
If someone typically stands in a closed-off posture and tends to
look anywhere than at somebody and their usual answers to
questions are monosyllabic, it is quite possible that the person has
low self-esteem, or perhaps they are just a very private person and
like to keep to themselves.

Have you ever heard of proxemics? It is a term that refers to the

distance between people that are interacting. An intimate distance
is six to eighteen inches, and usually denotes familiarity or a closer
relationship. One and a half to four feet is considered to be a
personal distance. Typically this level is reserved for family
members or close friends.

A social distance is four to twelve feet. This will largely be

determined by how well you know the person you are interacting
with. Someone you know well may be closer to the four-foot range,
whereas someone you only know vaguely may be more
comfortable at the ten to the twelve-foot range.

In public speaking situations, we typically use the public distance

of twelve to twenty-five feet. This required distance to feel
comfortable is also apt to change between different cultures. It is
well known that people from Latin countries are comfortable with
interacting at much closer distances than those from North
American cultures.

If someone you have never met from a Latin country or with Latin
ancestry were to approach inside of the four-foot custom we are
used to, does not mean they are trying to be intimidating. This is
where it helps to understand other cultures and customs. This way
if you have interactions with someone of that culture, you will have
a least a basic understanding of their customs and won't be
offended by something that is common practice for them.

Some common gestures include waving, pointing, and using

fingers to represent a numeric value. Some non-verbal signals are
not allowed in courtrooms because they are too powerful, or have
too much influence. Some of the common ones you can see in a
courtroom are the lawyer who's not speaking glancing at his watch.
This is seen to mean that the other lawyer's argument is tedious.

When a witness is testifying on the stand, sometimes the opposing

counsel will roll their eyes. This is seen as an attempt to discredit
their testimony or to imply that it is not credible.

Another area of non-verbal communication is paralinguistics. This

is a term that is used to refer to vocal communication other than
words. Such as the tone, inflection, volume and pitch of your voice.
Changing any one of these characteristics can change the meaning
of what you are saying. Learning how to use these characteristics
can be a very powerful tool.

This can be a fun and enlightening exercise if you are inclined to

play with it. Try saying something in different tones and then at
different volumes. Change up your inflection and try different
combinations. You can record yourself and then play it back and
see how the little changes have such an impact on what you are
saying.

Attitudes, as explained in psychology, are an important part of

analyzing someone. The definition we will work with is a learned
tendency to evaluate things in a certain way. The ABC's of attitude
is explained as affective, behavioural, and cognitive components.

The affective component would be how the person, object or

situation makes you feel. The behavioural component would be
how the attitude influences your behaviour. The cognitive
component would be your thoughts and beliefs about the subject.

Remember back to when you were a kid. Did you ever see
someone being bullied on the schoolyard? Maybe you have even
bullied yourself. How did that make you feel? That is a perfect
example of the affective component of a situation.

Using the same example, if you witnessed someone being bullied

on the schoolyard and avoided the situation, or if you proceeded to
intervene. This decision would be based on your beliefs of what is
the right thing to do. This becomes an example of the behavioral
component of a situation. Your attitude towards bullying influenced
your decision on whether to intervene or not.

And of course, the cognitive component was showcased when you

were deciding whether to intervene or do nothing. The act of
weighing your beliefs with possible outcomes, and making a
decision is the cognitive component at work.

These are important because depending on the attitudes you have

developed your interpretation of non-verbal communication may be
different than the person standing next to you. This is because of
we all filter information in a different manner.

There are two types of attitudes as well. These are explicit and
implicit. Explicit ones are ones that we are consciously aware of
and that have a huge impact on our behaviour. While Implicit ones
are ones that operate in the unconscious sphere but still affect our
behaviour.

An example of an explicit attitude would be if you watch crime

shows at all, when the police are questioning people in the vicinity
of a crime scene, and even though people saw what happened they
choose to say nothing. This is an explicit attitude that helping the
police is unhealthy for them.

An example of an implicit attitude would be the family who lives

on the corner and have reiterated daily that helping the police is a
civic duty. The child from this household coming forward to tell
police officers what happened is an example of an implicit attitude.
The belief that this is the right thing to do has so been set in their
mind, that it is a subconscious attitude that causes the behavior
even though subconsciously.

Touch is another form of non-verbal communication that needs to

be considered. Touch can be used to communicate affection,
familiarity, sympathy, care, concern or nurturance.

It has been seen that people of high-status tend to invade other

peoples space more often and in a much more intense manner than
their counterparts. Sex differences make a difference as to how
touch is used as well. Women tend to be the comforting, caring
type use of touch whereas men tend to use touch more for asserting
power or control over others.

Touch can have either a very comforting effect, an intimidating

effect, or even a mildly uncomfortable effect. It depends on the
situation. Different types of personalities employ different types of
touch depending on the outcome they are seeking to gain.

There are numerous ways our body language speaks on our behalf.
From slouching to looking down. Or maybe it's the handshake you
use when greeting someone. Is it weak or firm? Faking a smile or
angling your body away from the person you're speaking with.

Avoiding eye contact or folding your arms in front of you.

Blocking someone by placing something between you as you're
talking whether it be a book, your computer, or maybe even a
desk. Don't check emails or focus on your phone while you're
talking with someone. Being distracted tells them you're not
interested.

Did you know your appearance is also part of your non-verbal

communication? From your choice of color, clothing and even your
hairstyle are just a few of the ways your appearance speaks for you.
This is why first impressions are so important.

Studies have shown that appearance can change a person income

by up to 15% in some cases. Culture factors into how appearance is
judged too. In western culture, thin people tend to be placed above
everyone else, while in some African cultures full-bodied people
are considered healthier and placed above the rest.

How you stand conveys a message to anyone interacting with you.

Whether it's with your hands on your hips, or maybe your hands
clasped behind your back. Crossed arms, fidgeting or crossed legs
all relay information in non-verbal communication. We will look
more closely at how to interpret the different aspects of non-verbal
communication in a later chapter.

Now I will explain how to understand yourself and identify your

personality type. This is important because it allows you to set your
goals and live your life in line with your personality and your
passions. This greatly increases your chance of success.

It's a lot easier to get up in the morning if you're heading out to go

fishing or some other activity you enjoy than if you're getting up to
head into work, isn't it? Some people have that level of enjoyment
in their work, but it is not a very common occurrence.

The first step is to identify your morals. Everybody has their own
internal set of morals that guide them. This is often referred to as
your inner voice. That little voice that says what are you doing or
what were you thinking when you stray from your morals.

Cartoons would depict this as the little angel sitting on your

shoulder. Telling you that what you're doing or thinking of doing is
wrong. This can be closely related to your conscience but is not the
same thing.

The next step is to recognize what your values are. Values are the
things that are important to you. Some people might value being
close to family, while others might value financial security. Your
values help you to set goals that are going to align with your
personality. For example, if you value financial security, you may
set a goal of having a certain amount set aside in a bank account.

If you value being close to family, it could manifest in different

ways from living in close proximity to family. Perhaps it is the
catalyst for the Sunday family dinners that seem to be declining in
modern society.
Now you need to learn what you are passionate about. If something
holds your interest for long periods of time or captures it repeatedly
without much effort, this is probably something you're passionate
about. While your values motivate you to set your goals, your
passions are what will give you the drive to reach them. If you
build a job or hobby around your passions you will be much
happier than if you ignore them completely.

Let's face it, most of the goals we will strive to reach will involve
some level of resistance. The difficult times when it may seem the
best thing is to give up. When your goals are in line with your
passions it can provide the needed motivation to keep going even
when the going gets rough.

Next, you need to determine if you are an extrovert, or an introvert.

This is determined by how you interact socially. After a long hard
week at work, do you go out with friends to recharge your batteries,
or do you need alone time at home to recharge? Extroverts tend to
be spontaneous, and like to be with other people. Introverts on the
other hand enjoy alone time and like planning out their days.

Now track your rhythms, when you feel tired, or when you feel
wide awake. When you feel like exercising, and when you are
hungry. Keeping track of these things will help keep your mind and
body in sync. If you're a night owl, you likely don't want a job with
an early morning start.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, that's a natural fact. Keep

track of what your strengths are, and what people tell you that you
did well. Keep track of when you feel like you're succeeding at a
task, or when you feel like you're struggling. You can use this
information for two purposes. You can use it to improve your
weaknesses or you can use it to play to your strengths.

The time has come to see how right you are about yourself. Ask
some family members or close friends to give you their opinion of
your personality traits. The things that they see you do regularly.
Compare these to what you thought about yourself. If it's a match,
you're probably right about your personality. If your friends and
family consistently have a different view of your personality than
you did, you may need to think about your behaviour and make
sure you're looking at what you do, and not what you want to be
doing in the future.
 Chapter 2: Different Personality Types
In this chapter, we will examine the different personality types.
Then we will look at how to identify your personality type, and
why it is important to understand yourself. So let's get right into it.
Just let me say I was able to find sixteen different personality types.

First I will start with ISTJ. This one is known as the Duty Fulfiller.
This personality type is generally referred to as introverted sensing
with extroverted thinking. That means that their main way of
interacting with the world around them is by focusing internally.
This is where they take things in through their five senses.
Their second method is external. This is where the logic comes into
play and they can deal with things rationally. This personality type
is generally quiet and reserved with their main concern being
security and peaceful living. Their sense of duty is felt internally
and it is strong. It is responsible for the serious air that most ISTJ
personality types are known for. It also provides their motivation
which allows them to succeed at most tasks they undertake.

Honesty and Integrity are of paramount importance to this

personality type, and as such they are dependable, faithful and
extremely loyal. Although they are generally known to take things
seriously, they also have a humorous side that is known to be fairly
off-beat. This can be quite entertaining, especially at family
gatherings or work-related functions.

This personality type is not made up of your lawbreakers. They are

quite comfortable with laws and tradition, and will not normally
step outside of the societal boundaries they are familiar with unless
there is sufficient reason. Sometimes if someone of this personality
type had an intuitive side that was underdeveloped, they could
become obsessed with structure. This is where you get the ones that
insist on doing everything by the book.
People of this personality type are quite often taken advantage of in
an unintentional manner. This is because they have such a strong
sense of duty that it is difficult for them to say no. This tends to
result in them having way more work assigned to them than they
can reasonably do. This is why many people of this personality
type end up working super long hours.

This personality type believes wholeheartedly in being accountable

for their actions and thrives in positions of authority. They will
expend massive amounts of energy in the pursuit of a task they
deem necessary to reach a goal, but will strongly resist anything
that doesn't make sense to them, or that they can't see a practical
application for. This personality type usually prefers working alone
but can work quite well in a team when it is required.

The people in this personality type are not the rock the boat types.
They are more inclined to go with the flow and stick with what is
familiar to them.

ISTJ's have tremendous respect for facts, but they tend to have a
difficult time accepting an idea that differs from their own
perspective. In this situation, if they are shown the relevance of the
idea by someone they respect or care about the idea will become
fact, which they will then internalize and support.
These are the type of people that will assume you're wrong just
because you don't agree with them. Unless they greatly respect you,
convincing them of the merit of your argument is nearly
impossible.

This personality type is generally very traditional and very family

oriented. They make great parents and tend to be excellent
providers; however, they have a tendency to express their love in
actions rather than in words. Under stress, this personality type
tends to lose sight of anything besides what could go wrong. This
will tend to make them depressed by their loss of ability to see
things calmly and reasonably.

The next personality type is ISTP. They are known as the

mechanic. They are typically quiet and reserved and are compelled
to find out how things work. They have excellent skills with
mechanical things. They are good at logical analysis and typically
have excellent powers of reasoning.

People with this personality type are the ones that enjoy logic
puzzles and will often argue the opposing side of something they
believe just because they can. Their beliefs are not easily swayed,
but they enjoy playing devils advocate to a large degree.
People of this personality type are fiercely independent and very
adventurous. They tend to be attracted to things like motorcycles,
airplanes, skydiving, surfing. They thrive on action and are usually
fearless. They believe in doing their own thing not following rules
and regulations. However, they do follow self-imposed rules
relentlessly. They believe in the equal and fair treatment of others.

This personality type typically craves alone time. This is because

this alone time is when they can sort through all the facts they have
externally absorbed in their interactions with the world around
them. They need to sort through them and make decisions and they
do that best when alone.

This personality type is an action-oriented person. They prefer to

be doing something. They are good at following through with
whatever they start and tend to be very athletic. They have good
hand-eye coordination and are good at tying up the loose ends.

The people who have this personality type tend to be very simple in
what they desire, and are typically very optimistic, trusting, loyal
and receptive to people. They tend to turn away from any
commitments that will constrict their behaviors though.
The next personality type is the ISFJ which is known as the
nurturer. People of this personality type are truly warm and
kindhearted. They believe the best about other people and tend to
keep negative feelings inside. The problem with this is after a while
those negative feelings about people become firm judgments
against people. Now they are very difficult to dislodge or disprove.

The people that make up this personality type have exceptional

memories. It is not uncommon for them to remember something in
such detail that they can recall a conversation including facial
expressions years after it initially took place. The information they
store away is typically very accurate.

This personality type has a clear idea of how they think things
should be. They respect tradition and rules. They tend to believe in
the systems around them and rarely challenge them as they believe
they are there because they work. Unless you can show them
undeniably why a new method is better than the method that is
already in place, you can forget about swaying their opinion.

People of this personality type learn better by doing than by

reading about something in a book. They are a hands-on type of
person. They tend to be really good at interior decorating and tend
to have beautifully furnished homes. They are often the best gift
givers because they can choose a gift that will truly be appreciated
by the receiver.

This personality type has a strong sense of responsibility and duty.

People tend to rely on them regularly. They also have the tendency
to become overloaded with responsibilities because they have a
hard time saying no. They are sensitive and as such tend to get
depressed when criticized regularly.

The next personality type is the ISFP, commonly referred to as the

artist. These people are extremely in tune with their senses and
quite commonly create or compose things that strongly influence
those senses.
People of this personality type are difficult to get to know well
because they are quiet and reserved. They will share their ideas and
opinions with people they are close to however. They tend to be
found in rolls that allow them to contribute to peoples sense of well
being and happiness.

This personality type is usually animal lovers with a profound

appreciation for the beauty of nature. Very original and
independent they don't tend to conform to what others think they
should be. They do value people that understand and support them.
People who don't understand them may misinterpret their unique
way of doing things as being carefree and light-hearted, but this
personality type actually takes life very seriously.

People with this personality type are extremely perceptive and

aware of others around them. They are startlingly accurate in their
perceptions of others. Warm and sympathetic, they genuinely care
about others and tend to show their love in actions rather than with
words.

The next personality type is the INFJ, known as the protector.

People with this personality type are warm and caring, gentle and
highly intuitive. They also make up only one percent of the
population. This makes them the rarest personality type.

Having things orderly and systematic in the world around them is

very important to someone with this personality type. They tend to
regularly evaluate and re-evaluate their priorities. They operate on
an intuitive basis and are entirely spontaneous.

People with this personality type know things intuitively without

knowing why and with no knowledge of the situation at hand. They
are typically right and usually know it. Their inner and outer
worlds may conflict resulting in some disarray such as a
consistently messy desk.

This personality type is typically deep and complex people. They

tend to be private and share what they want when they want. They
are typically difficult to understand and can be quite secretive.
They are very sensitive to conflict and do not tolerate it well. They
tend to internalize it resulting in health problems.

One downside of this personality type is that they never achieve

complete peace with themselves. They have strong value systems
and are very stubborn. They don't believe in compromising their
ideals. In some ways, this personality type is gentle and easy going,
while in other ways they are hard-nosed and stubborn.

They are capable of great depth of feeling and personal

achievement, but life is not easy for this personality type. They
tend to have high expectations of themselves and their families.

The next personality type is the INFP, known as the idealist. This
group of people is focused on making the world a better place.
They are constantly searching for value in life. They have a
tendency to be perfectionists as well as idealists. Their end goal
typically remains the same, to make the world a better place for
others.

The people in this personality type are typically thoughtful and

considerate. They tend to be good listeners and are a natural at
putting people at ease. While they may be reserved in expressing
emotions, they are a valued friend and confidante due to their
genuine interest in understanding people.

People with this personality type do not like conflict and will go to
extreme lengths to avoid it. When it is forced upon them, they will
approach it from the perspective of their feelings. This can make
them appear to be irrational or illogical.

Surprisingly they make excellent mediators because they so easily

understand peoples feelings and truly want to help them. It is easy
for them to solve other peoples problems. With any conflict, even
one they are personally involved in, they don't focus on who was
right and who was wrong. They focus instead on how the conflict
makes them feel. They don't want to feel bad, so they need to
resolve the conflict to relieve these feelings.

This personality style does not deal well with logic and facts. They
are a more feeling oriented person and dealing with logic is
difficult at the very least for them. In the heat of anger, they may
use logic, throwing out fact after fact in an emotional outburst.
However, most of the facts thrown out will be wrong.

People with this personality type may find it difficult to work on

projects in a group. Their standards are so much higher than
everybody else that it makes it difficult to be in a group. The person
of this personality type may have control issues, simply because of
their high standards.

Expressing themselves vocally is extremely difficult for this group.

They are exceptional writers however. They often find work as
counselors and teachers. Some may even end up in other social
service positions.

The next personality type is the INTJ, they are known as the
scientist. This group will place a high value on intelligence,
knowledge, and competence. As a result of this, they most often
place extremely high standards on themselves, and continuously
strive to achieve them.

People of this personality type are natural born leaders, however

many of them will choose to remain in the background until they
see a need to take over the leadership. Once in leadership roles, the
people in this personality type excel because of their ability to see
the reality of a situation objectively and they are adaptable enough
to change things that may not be working effectively or efficiently.

This group of people is supreme strategists, and typically have a

plan for every possible contingency. They spend a lot of time inside
their own heads, and if they don't ensure that their feeling side is
well developed, they may have difficulty giving people the level of
intimacy that is required.

The people in this personality type are typically seen as very

judgmental. They are quick to offer judgments that are based on
their intuition. Unless they have a well-developed ability to express
themselves they may well be misunderstood. They tend to dismiss
input from other people quickly and as such are often arrogant or
elitist.

If the people in this group do not have well developed

conversational skills, they typically become abrupt with people. It
is not uncommon for people of this personality type to become
isolationists when they lack sufficient communicational skills to
express themselves effectively.
The next personality type is INTP, and they are often referred to as
the thinker. This is the group where the absent-minded professors
come from. They tend to be focused inside their own head more
than outside. They are constantly pursuing knowledge, and
continuously proving or disproving current theories and coming up
with new ones.

They are typically very enthusiastic and skeptical when

approaching problems. They tend to disregard and established
methods of confronting the problem in favor of developing their
own strategy to do so.
This personality type does not like to be in a leadership role. They
are quite flexible unless it concerns their firmly held beliefs. They
are most commonly very shy when meeting new people; however
they may be quite self-confident and gregarious around people they
know well, or when discussing a subject they know well.

The people in this personality type are typically independent,

unconventional and very original. They won't place much value on
traditional goals like security and popularity. They may also appear
to be restless and temperamental.

Next, we will look at the personality type ESTP, this one is known
as the doer. Enthusiastic, excitable, outgoing and straight shooting,
these people are doers and their world is action. Blunt, straight
forward risk takers, they are willing to just plunge in and get their
hands dirty.

This group is very perceptive about peoples attitudes and

motivations. They tend to pick up on little clues that most other
types don't even register. They are most often a couple of steps
ahead of whoever they're dealing with. Rules and laws are seen as
guidelines instead of mandates.

Gamblers and spendthrifts are common in people with this

personality type. They are typically good at storytelling and
improvising. They tend to fly by the seat of their pants as opposed
to making a plan. They rely more on their ability to adjust to
occurring situations than the ability to plan for those possible
outcomes.

They don't see any use for theory and as such have difficulty in
school. Even though they may be brilliantly intelligent school will
be a chore because they get bored in classes where they don't think
they are gaining any useful information.

This group needs to keep moving, and as such, they make

exceptional salespeople. Their natural overabundance of energy
and enthusiasm make them natural choices for entrepreneurs. They
are fun to be with and are great at getting things started. However,
they are severely lacking when it comes to the matter of following
through on things that have been started.

The next personality type is ESTJ, they are known as the guardian.
They live in the present and keep their eyes scanning their personal
environment to ensure everything is as it should be. Their beliefs
and standards are very precise and set in stone. They don't
understand when someone disagrees with their beliefs.

They take charge of people and as such naturally find themselves in

leadership roles. They tend to be self-confident and aggressive and
can be very demanding and critical. This is because of their
strongly held beliefs. They are known, however, for being
extremely straight forward and honest.

They are generally model citizens but have a tendency to become

too rigid. They also tend to ignore peoples input and opinions,
because they value their own so highly. This group is often defined
as conscientious, practical, realistic and dependable.

The next personality type is ESFP, known as the performer. If

people use words like lively, fun, center of attention to describing
you and you relish excitement and drama in your life, this is your
personality type.

With strong interpersonal skills, they land in the role of

peacemaker quite often. Their personal values greatly influence
their decision making, in the process increasing their sympathy and
concern for the well being of others.

With their inherent dislike of theory and future-planning, they are

not recommended for advice giving; however, they excel at
providing practical care. While the people in this personality type
tend to not look at long term consequences of their actions,
immediate sensations and gratification are assigned more
importance than responsibilities and duties.

This personality type also has an appreciation of the finer things in

life. Good food, good wine, etc. They also appreciate the aesthetic
beauty around them and usually have many beautiful possessions.

The people who make up this personality type are typically very
practical even though they detest structure and routine. They prefer
to go with the flow, improvising when necessary, and learning from
hands-on experience.
This personality type provides people that are great team players.
They typically like to feel strongly bonded with others. They enjoy
a connection with animals and small children than most other types
lack. They also appreciate the beauty of nature.

Now we will turn to ESFJ, otherwise referred to as the caregiver.

This personality type is typically people persons. They love people
and are extremely efficient at reading others and understanding
them. They also have a skill for bringing out the best in a person.

These people need approval from others to feel good about

themselves. This could be why they take their responsibilities so
seriously and are so dependable. Security and stability are very
important to them, and when they see something that needs to be
done, they do whatever it takes to ensure that it is done.

The people with this personality type will compare their values and
morals with the world around them. Their morals will be
determined by their community as opposed to internal values.

At their best, the people in this group are warm, helpful, energetic,
sympathetic, consistent and enthusiastic. They believe in tradition
and laws. They tend to accept laws without question, and this could
be greatly influenced by their desire for security and acceptance.
People of this type who don't have the benefit of growing up with a
healthy set of values to learn from can develop questionable values.
With no internal value system to straighten them out, they totally
believe in the values they are following even if they are skewed.

The next personality type is ENFP, the inspirer. The people in this
category are typically very warm and enthusiastic. They possess
the ability to talk their way into or out of anything. They can also
motivate people to action quite well.

This group will typically place great value on interpersonal

relationships and may be overly emphatic and gushy about it when
they are young. They have a strong set of values and are
continually striving to obtain or maintain inner peace.

The people of this personality type have a great need for

independence. They rebel against being controlled or labeled. If
they lack proper guidance as they grow up, or if they veer off later
in life, this personality type can be very manipulative, and very
good at it. They have the gift of gab, and this makes it very easy
for them to get almost anything they want.
The next personality type is ENFJ, the giver. This type is more of a
people person group than any other type. They gain their greatest
joy from accomplishing things to benefit other people.

They can typically make people do anything they want because

they have such exceptional people skills. For the most part, people
in this personality type will have unselfish motives. However, with
less than ideal development, they have been known to use these
exceptional people skills to manipulate people.

These types of people have strong values, but because their main
interest is to bring about change in others, they tend to interact with
others on their own level. Kind of like a chameleon, rather than as
an individual. The people in this type have a strong need for close,
intimate relationships. They are loyal and trustworthy once in a
relationship. They will expend much energy creating and
maintaining these relationships.

The next personality type is ENTP, the visionary. This type has a
distinct advantage in life. They can instinctively understand things
at a much deeper level than most of us reach any other way. This
group is typically very mentally quick. This makes them great
conversationalists, and they tend to enjoy verbal sparring as well.
This personality type is often referred to as the lawyer type. They
base their actions and decisions on an objective list of rules and
laws. The guilt or innocence of a client wouldn't enter into the
equation. The people of this type are typically creative, clever and
curious.

They tend to struggle with following through on things they have

started. They are upbeat visionaries, who greatly value knowledge.
They will typically spend their lives seeking a higher
understanding.

The final personality type is ENTJ, the executive. They are natural
born leaders with a strong drive for leadership. They fit quite
naturally in the corporate setting. They are very career driven.

The people in this personality type are not typically tuned in to the
feelings of others. They tend to desire a congenial, devoted
relationship with their spouse. However seeing as they are so career
oriented and driven, they tend to be away from home lots,
physically or mentally, and this can take a toll on their
relationships.

This personality type is best suited to someone who has a strong

self-image and is also a thinking type. They have many gifts which
enables them to have much power. They need to remember to pay
attention to the balance in their lives, as they tend to forget about it
and become unbalanced.
 Chapter 3: Components of the Limbic Brain
In this chapter, I will cover the limbic brain system. Where it is,
What the parts are that comprise it, and how it functions. Basically
the limbic system is a bunch of separate parts that are connected
together, and the whole is used for processing emotions.

Many parts of the limbic system are buried inside our brain. These
are referred to as subcortical structures. This means that they are
located beneath the cerebral cortex. There are actually some areas
of the limbic system that are part of the cerebral cortex. The
orbitofrontal cortex is one, but it is often referred to as the
hippocampus.

The purpose of the limbic system is to control the emotional

responses, level of activation, motivation, and even some types of
memory. These emotions are what control the self-preservation and
preservation of the species. Such as the fight or flight concept.

The first area of the limbic system I will talk about is the Limbic
bark. It is a transition zone allowing the neocortex and the
subcortical structures to exchange information. This is the area
where things that happen to us is processed and classified. They are
associated with good, bad, painful, etc.

Found below the hippocampus the main function is the storage and
retrieval of memories. This is known as the parahippocampal
gyrus. Cingulate gyration is another area also wrapped in the limbic
bark. It is in charge of processing and controlling the release of
emotions.

This brings us to the hippocampus, which is located in the middle

of the temporal lobe. It has multiple connections to other sections
including the hypothalamus, septal area, cerebral cortex, and
amygdala. It is in charge of storing long term memories. It also has
to coordinate between learning and memory.

The hypothalamus is really an impressive section. It is located in

the optical tracts, in the inferior part of the thalamus. It has many
connections with many different parts of the brain, the frontal lobe,
spinal cord, brainstem, and hippocampus to name a few. It is in
charge of maintaining a balance in the functioning of our organism.

It is in charge of monitoring temperature, glucose and sodium

levels as well as hormone levels. This gives it reign over stress,
emotional reactions, appetite, sexual reactions, and sleep. Just to
name a few. There are much more technical names and descriptions
for many of these functions; however, that is not the scope of this
book.

The amygdala is an almond-shaped structure that has two nuclei,

each of which resides in a temporal lobe. It has long been
understood that memories that have emotional importance attached
to them are stronger and more deeply embedded than others. This
is controlled by the amygdala.

It is also in charge of regulating emotional facial expressions. This

task is done in an automatic way, that we are not really aware of. It
is a very important task that is needed to allow for proper social
interaction.

Another important thing that the amygdala is tasked with, is the

processing of fear as it relates to behavioral conditioning. This is
where we learn that a certain thing or place is associated with some
form of danger. It builds an alarm system so to speak that when this
thing or place is encountered the body arms itself for defense.

So basically we have two different types of memories. The

unconscious ones which are referred to as implicit memories of
fear. The amygdala is responsible for learning and storing these.
The other type is the conscious ones which are called declarative
memories. The hippocampus is responsible for cataloging these.
These ones are ones that can be consciously evoked.

The septal area is located just above the anterior commissure. It has
numerous connections to the hippocampus, the hypothalamus, and
other areas. It is responsible for regulating the limbic system and
alert levels to prevent triggering from an overactivated false alarm.

This allows us to maintain memory and attention to be prepared to

react to our environment appropriately. Septal nuclei also have
integrated functions in emotional, motivational and pleasurable
sensations.

The Tegmental Ventral Area is found in the brainstem. This area is

responsible for our pleasant feelings. It accomplishes this by
releasing dopamine into our systems. If injured it impairs a persons
ability to feel pleasure, and this tends to lead to them seeking that
feeling through other means, such as drugs, food, etc.

In the fissure of Silvio, you will find The island crust also known
as the Insula. Its function is to process and interpret. Primarily it
focuses on pain. However, it does also process primary emotions
like love, joy, hate, anger, sadness and even fear. Actually it
processes the subjective aspects of these emotions. It is also the
area that lets you know you are hungry or if you want to reuse a
drug.

The orbitofrontal cortex connects to the amygdala. It participates in

our being able to determine someone's intention by assessing their
looks, gestures, and speech. Injuries in this area have been known
to cause issues such as inability to empathize with others,
disinhibition as hypersexuality, lack of impulse control with drugs,
addictions and talking dirty.
The Basal ganglia are made up of a nucleus of accumbens, pale
globe, putamen, and black substance. Their role is to control motor
functions. The nucleus of accumbens is an important part that is
strongly involved in addictive behaviors. It also contains the
reward circuits as well as sensations of pleasure. In addition to
these, it also does aggression, anger, and fear.

There are conditions which affect the limbic system, and I will
cover them here. The first one is Autism. It appears that areas such
as the amygdala, cingulate gyrus, orbitofrontal cortex have reduced
functioning capabilities in individuals with this condition.

Kluver-Bucy syndrome arises from the amygdala and part of the

temporal cortex being bilaterally extracted. People with this
condition typically explore everything with their mouth and
experience a loss of fear as well as indiscriminate feeding.

Limbic encephalitis causes people to develop dementia, memory

loss, and involuntary movements. The parts of the limbic system it
affects are the amygdala, hippocampus, cingulate gyrus, insula, and
orbitofrontal cortex.

Certain forms of dementia can produce symptoms of emotional

uncontrol. It accomplishes this by affecting the limbic system, or
the parts associated with it. The area that is associated with
disinhibition symptoms is the frontal-temporal cortex.

Anxiety disorders could arise from a failure in the control function

of the hippocampus and the cortical structures. These areas
normally exert control in the modulation of the amygdala.

When you have smaller, disorganized hippocampal neurons, the

anterior cingulate cortex and thalamus contain fewer inhibitory
cells. These cells are usually referred to as GABAergic cells. The
volume of the limbic areas is reduced. All these points to
schizophrenia.

Limbic epilepsy affects a person's ability to learn new things. It

increases the chances of the person suffering from anxiety or
depression. It is also referred to as (MLT) which stands for
Temporal Lobe Medial Epilepsy. It causes these issues by creating
lesions in areas like the hippocampus and amygdala.

It is believed that ADHD Attention deficit disorder and

hyperactivity may be caused by a failure in the limbic system.
These patients tend to have a larger hippocampus. The amygdala
and the orbitofrontal cortex have lost all effective connections
between them. This results in the uninhibited behavior typically
associated with ADHD.

Studies of patients with Affective disorders, which is also known as

depression, have shown variations in the volumes of the basal
ganglia, amygdala, hippocampus and frontal lobes. Some areas of
the limbic system have also shown less activation.
 Chapter 4: How to Interpret Non-verbal
Communication in Different Parts of the Body
Now I will look closer at the different methods of non-verbal
communication that I discussed earlier. I will explain how to
interpret non-verbal communication in different parts of the body.
Non-verbal communication is an integral part of our
communication. It is primarily used and interpreted in an
unconscious manner. Knowledge of non-verbal communication
signs can improve interaction resulting in a greater shared
understanding.
It is important in trying to interpret non-verbal communication to
consider the context. The context that non-verbal communication
was performed can greatly influence the meaning of non-verbal
communication.

One of the most important parts of reading non-verbal

communication is your mindset. You need to emphasize four
attributes when preparing your mindset to analyze people. These
are first of all to be open. Then you need to add being inquisitive.
Follow that up with some creativity, and top it all off with being
slow to judge. This is the mindset you need to analyze people.

Reading non-verbal communication is best done when you read

many signs in a cluster as opposed to just one single action or
movement. For example, this will be from a male perspective, but
it fits any gender, it's just an example. If you got the impression
from a woman you liked that she was interested in you, how do you
know for sure? Without looking like a fool.

Suppose the action that gave you the impression that she likes you
is that she was playing with her hair. While you may have read that
this is a sign for attraction, and it is, it can also be applied to
playfulness. You need other signs to add to your interpretation.
Other things you can look for would be, how is she standing? Is she
leaning forward? Are you getting a sideways glance? Is her head
tilted?

It is important in reading people if you want to be good at it, to

base your interpretation on more than just one sign. After all, you
want to be sure your interpretation is correct before going all in,
don't you? No one wants to walk into a situation expecting success
only to crash and burn.

One thing you don't want to do while you're trying to learn to

interpret non-verbal communication is to focus on every little sign
and try to interpret them while you're trying to maintain a
conversation.

There is just too much information to process and you'll lose where
you are in a conversation and have a sudden silence. Not to
mention how awkward this sudden silence will be. Just try to
enhance the signs you can pick up on, and for now, you can
interpret them later.

This is why typically we focus on the conversation and our

subconscious interprets the non-verbal communication for us. The
key to being good at reading people isn't to shift your focus from
verbal conversation to non-verbal conversation. It is to expand your
awareness and be present in the moment.

If you know what to look for you'll see it, and if you know the
meaning you'll interpret it immediately. If you don't, or you miss it,
don't worry, you'll get better with practice. It's like riding a bike,
you might scrape your knees a few times, but you'll get the hang of
it.

An excellent way to practice reading people is to do it when you're

doing nothing else. For example, if you're sitting at the park, watch
the people around that are having conversations and even some that
aren't. What is their body language telling you?

Another good way is to watch tv with the volume muted. Interpret

what is happening by the actions of the actors. With this method,
you have the ability to turn the sound on every couple minutes to
see if you're right about what is going on. It makes for good
practice because you can authenticate your interpretations.

The main thing to watch for when communicating with someone is

doing the words they're saying line up with the body language
they're using. If they don't line up, you'll know it. You have to go
with your gut, and later when you're more proficient you'll have the
skills to look at your observations and know what it was that tipped
you off.

As mentioned previously you need to consider the context when

reading non-verbal communication. This can extend to location,
who is talking, and you must remember that culture plays a part
here as well. Just because non-verbal signs mean one thing in your
culture, doesn't mean they mean the same thing in someone else's
culture. Don't be afraid to ask someone if you don't know. Most
people are happy to talk about their culture.

Facial expressions are a common form of non-verbal

communication. Our face tells those around us what is going on
inside. When you're happy to do you consciously decide to smile,
or does it just happen? What about when you're sad? Do you
consciously decide to frown? Nobody taught you how to do these
actions, did they?

The one thing that you need to consider when interpreting facial
expressions is that people can mask their true feelings, so facial
expressions aren't always a good indicator of truth. It's possible to
tell though if a smile is being faked. Is the jaw relaxed or clenched?
Are their eyes sparkling? These are a few things to look for when
trying to determine if a smile is real or not.
The good thing about facial expressions is you can practice them in
a mirror, trying to convey the emotion you're after. This does two
things for you, first of all, you gain better control over your facial
expressions. Secondly, you gain more familiarity with the facial
muscles used to make different facial expressions.

The smile is an interesting expression. There are dozens of

different varieties of smiles. While we are taught to believe a smile
means happy, it often means so much more than that. If you are a
female and you smile at someone, it quite often means connection
or empathy. Trust and joy are also displayed through a smile.
Affection, attraction, sarcasm, contempt, recognition and even fear
can all be displayed with a smile, as well as many more.
If you abuse the act of smiling, it will lose its effect. Nobody will
believe anybody who smiles all the time. Kind of like the little boy
who cried wolf. A big plastered on smile doesn't fool anyone.
Especially when you overuse it. A genuine smile can be
immeasurably useful in putting people at ease, whereas an
insincere one is easily recognizable.

One use of the smile that comes with advantages and pitfalls, is the
woman's use of the smile to get a man's attention. If you're sitting
at a bar and a female comes and sits down, makes eye contact with
you and smiles at you, you're going to pay attention to her, aren't
you?

The pitfall to this is that men interpret this as a sexual invitation,

whether that's the way it was intended or not. This can result in
unwanted attention and uncomfortable encounters on both sides.

For males, the smile almost works in reverse. While some smiling
is good, it has been shown that men who smile too much lose
masculinity points with a woman. They prefer a man who is tough
or masculine as opposed to one who tries to appease them.

As far as spotting the phony smile, the first thing to look for is to
look at the person's eyes. Are they smiling as well? It has been
scientifically proven that a genuine smile squints the eyes making
them crescent shaped. This is also what gives the crows feet around
the eyes, and the crinkles around the nose.

Other things to watch for in trying to determine if a smile is

genuine or being fake, is how fast it appears. A genuine smile
doesn't appear instantly on demand. Real smiles are a gradual thing
and last longer. They don't stay frozen on your face. The size and
symmetry is another thing to look for. Real smiles aren't all that
big, and they're not always symmetrical. When we fake a smile we
want to sell it so we overstretch it.

This is not to say that all fake smiles are a bad thing. Sure the
stewardess who gave you the million-watt smile when you boarded
may well be frustrated and can't wait for anything more than this
trip to be over with, but she's being polite. Sometimes the fake
smile simply means I'm trying.

A huge part of facial expressions in non-verbal communication that

is often associated with sexuality and other stronger emotions are
the lips. Their shape color and size easily create attraction. They
can look very kissable, and seem to be saying “taste me”. Or they
can be very unapproachable. If they are drawn thin and the jaw is
clenched, there isn't much attraction or desire to approach.

The tense mouth, which pretty much speaks for itself, is when the
lips are pressed together to make a thin line. This is commonly over
a clenched jaw, which gives a tense, solid image. Sometimes the
lips may even be sucked in making them appear even thinner.

Think of it like a dam, being used to contain emotions. British

people refer to this as a stiff upper lip. The ability to remain strong
even in the face of negative happenings. It is seen as a strength as
opposed to the negative connotations associated with it by others.

Slightly parted lips, on the other hand, are typically seen in more
exciting occasions, such as courtship. A common sign that
someone wants a kiss is that they keep their lips slightly loose and
keep glancing at the other person lips. It is often a preliminary step
in a kiss.

Pursuing the lips is when the lips are drawn in to create a tight
round shape. There are two common interpretations of this
expression. Typically it is seen when someone is trying to suppress
their anger. It could also be that they are trying to relay
disagreement. The other interpretation for this expression is
indecision. In this instance, it is when someone is weighing the
options between two choices.

Perking the lips is commonly referred to as either the duck face or

the kissing face. Blowing air kisses to someone is cute, but
overusing it quickly detracts from its cuteness. Keep this in mind
when taking pictures. It is typically a playful expression.

Pouting is a facial expression that is most commonly found in kids

who are showing their displeasure with a situation. Adults do it as
well, but for the most part, it tends to be a lot more subtle. Except
in the case of a woman using it to manipulate a man and get him to
do what she wants. In this case, it may well be blatant and very
over dramatized to be effective.

Licking the lips is a facial expression with two possible

interpretations. This one is really important to understand the
context so you don't get the wrong interpretation. The first type of
this is the sexual lick, which is where the tongue starts in one
corner of the mouth and slowly moves across the upper lip, and
then back across the bottom lip. Done slowly and properly this is a
very sensual move. Typically it is a flirtatious move and often
considered a bold one.

The other form of lip licking is a quick almost pulling off the lip
with the tongue. Often done in a subtle form, it is done to release
nervous tension. Many times it is thought to be associated with
telling a lie, but that is where context is needed, as that's not always
the case. It could just be an uncomfortable situation.

This is why you need to have context when interpreting non-verbal

signals. You don't want to create unduly stressful situations because
you jumped to conclusions based on one single non-verbal signal.
Even if you receive the signals that interpret to say someone is
lying, it's not necessary to call them on it. This will be a case by
case thing as well. Perhaps sometimes it is necessary to call them
on it. However sometimes if you know they're lying, that is all that
matters.

Biting the lips is typically a stronger form of licking them. It is

often a sign of an insecure or shy person as well. Context makes it
pretty easy to tell if it's being done as a sexual gesture or out of
nervousness. Sticking out the tongue is pretty straight forward, so I
won't even go there. Context is important with that one too though,
as it could be playful or not.

Head tilting is pretty straight forward but I will quickly mention it

here just for completeness sake. Basically head tilting tells us if
someone is in agreement with what we're saying, or if they
disagree. Aggressive head tilting such as thrusting the jaw forward
is a sign of aggression and disagreement. Retreating is a sign of
fear and defensiveness but is also used when a person feels
negative about what they are hearing.

Tilting the head to the side can have different meanings in different
settings, in a job interview this combined with a nod will probably
mean they find what you're saying interesting. In a courtship
setting this combined with a half smile or a sideways glance
typically means interested and teasing.

Head nods typically mean yes while shaking your head means no.
The speed and duration of each can offer an idea of how much the
person agrees or disagrees with you. Another thing that can factor
into their degree of agreement or non-agreement, is the intensity of
it. For example, is it a slight head nod, or a more fully engaged
head nod. Is the person lightly shaking their head or emphatically
shaking it.

Body gestures concerning the torso are simple to understand. Just

remember that someone is either opening up their front or
protecting and shielding it. If someone stands with something
between you or holds a book in front of them, they are
uncomfortable and closing off. This can be seen with many
situations, a good example would be when you walk into your boss'
office, does he or she retreat behind the desk, or do they come
around to your side of the desk? These things really do happen on a
regular basis.

If the same person lowers the book when you start talking and
keeps their arms at their side, they feel comfortable with you. Most
likely they agree with what you are saying as well. We tend to cross
our arms or perform some other form of closing off or shielding our
front when we don't agree with something someone is saying. This
is our protective stance.

When it comes to the body and how we stand, there are three
options. Leaning forward, leaning backward or standing straight
up. Leaning forward is an open response which indicates being
engaged, which tends to happen more with agreement than
disagreement. Leaning backward is like putting the brakes on. If
you were a salesman and you're giving your spiel and your
customer is leaning back with their arms crossed, it's time to switch
tactics, you're losing them.

This is something good salespeople have learned to realize, and

when they spot these signals, they switch tactics, there's no point
flogging a dead horse, and try a different approach to get them
leaning back in again. This is how some of the good ones as they
are often referred to can save a sale that seems like it's lost.

Staying upright in the middle is kind of like neutral. You're not

leaning forward in agreement or engagement but you're not leaning
back and putting the brakes on yet either. To stick with the
salesperson example, at this point you haven't lost them, but they're
not very committed either. You can continue your pitch but watch
for very slight, very subtle shifts in any direction. If the switch is
forward, keep going, whereas if they subtly shift slightly away
from you, try something different. It may make the difference
between success and failure.

Obviously, with the leaning back, putting the brakes on, you need
to switch tactics immediately, or you may lose them. In these
scenarios, as with most interactions, you need to pay attention not
only to their non-verbal signals but to the non-verbal signals you
are giving them. If you lean in slightly, do they respond? If they
move away, what happens if you slightly move away? Especially
when you practice this in situations that have no serious
repercussions, you can have fun playing with it.

Standing with your hands on your hips is a sign of authority. It is

typically considered a sign of action or readiness for action. Some
common places to see it is someone waiting for a bus, a parent
waiting for a child to answer them. Maybe a school principal
waiting for a misbehaving student to explain themselves.

When you attend social functions, pay attention to the people in the
room. Are any of them standing with their hands on their hips? If
so are they the ones people approach for direction, or information?
These are good ways to get familiar with some non-verbal signals
and see them at work first hand.

Our genital area is another area that is used for communication,

although not regularly. It is also more common in males than
females, but it is not male exclusive. Covering the genital area with
the hands tends to indicate insecurity or shyness. It most often
occurs during times of distress and vulnerability. Like when we're
being reprimanded.

Combined with a shoulder shrug, this gesture is used to send a

strong message of innocence. Performing body movements that
expose the genital area while most common in young males trying
to display their sexual interest, it is seen sometimes in women.
When seen in women, it indicates a non-conforming woman who
doesn't much care what society thinks and will do what she wants
and get what she wants.
 Chapter 5: The Ability to Detect Deception
This chapter will be about knowing how to tell if and when
someone is lying to you. Firstly I will say that this is possible
because lying is harder than being honest. It requires more mental
effort, which creates more stress and anxiety. It is people's
emotions that blow the whistle on them when they lie.

Many people find it a simple matter to lie verbally. It is like second

nature to some of them. It is an entirely different concept when it
comes to hiding a lie and keeping unconscious gestures or facial
expressions from exposing it. It is difficult to catch lying even with
non-verbal communication on a regular basis. Even some of the
experts miss sometimes.
I will give you some tips on things to watch for that give away that
someone may be lying. They are what gamblers would call a tell.
With practice, you should be able to improve not only your
deception detection but your understanding of non-verbal
communication as a whole.

Non-verbal communication is used to portray emotions ranging

from attraction to deception. The eyes are often referred to as the
window to the soul, and that is because they are very expressive of
your emotions. They are probably the hardest part of non-verbal
communication for many people to learn to control. Facial features
can be quite expressive as well.

It's easy for someone to plaster a smile on their face, and if they
know the signs, they can probably even make it look fairly genuine.
Their eyes will tell the truth though. If you're sad, it is almost
impossible to get your eyes to show anything else.

Pacifying behaviour is one action that you need to learn to watch

for. The most common methods of this are touching the face, biting
the lip, and when seated running the palms of their hands down
their legs. The reason they do these things is because the brain is
uncomfortable for some reason. Stimulating nerve endings will
pacify the brain.

Now before assuming that everyone that performs one of these

actions must be lying, you need to remember that there are
numerous reasons why their brain might not be comfortable. They
could be talking about a subject that is disturbing to them. You
don't want to assume too quickly that one gesture means for certain
they're lying.

This is why I have said over and over again, that non-verbal
gestures and signals need to be read in context. It is also why you
need to have the full picture, not just one single action. I don't feel
this issue can be stressed enough. There are enough people in the
world already that are prepared to jump to conclusions, we don't
need to add to their number.

That is also why it is important to establish a baseline for the

person in question. You need to know if there are certain situations
that always result in them performing these gestures. Sometimes if
you haven't had time to watch this person prior to this incident, you
could if you needed proof to establish the baseline after the incident
you believe to be them lying.
This would mean though, that you need to postpone any act of
calling them on their lying until you have had time to establish the
baseline. Typically you would want to establish the baseline first,
and if that's not possible, you may need to rely on only the
contextual information you observe.

Performing one of the gestures associated with pacifying behaviour

does not in itself prove deception. You can't base this on one act
alone. You need to know a baseline so that you can know if the
gesture is a deviation from the baseline. That is when it is likely to
be indicating deception.

An important part of understanding non-verbal communication is

to not jump to conclusions too quickly. When you are watching
someone and notice an unexpected non-verbal gesture, take time to
think about it and ask yourself what it might have been a reaction
to.

If the unexpected non-verbal gesture can be recognized as being a

reaction to something that took place immediately preceding the
gesture, it is better to know it now than after you have drawn your
conclusion and possibly shared it.
When you are talking to someone and you see them make an
obvious non-verbal gesture, you need to remember not to overreact.
Don't start saying I knew you were lying to me, or some such thing.
Remember that the subconscious gesture that represents stress is
the same gesture that represents deceit.

It is impossible to tell the difference between the two reasons for

the same gesture. What you can do however is to ask more
questions without alerting them to the fact that you know they're
lying to find out how they're feeling. Try and come up with
questions that show why what you believe to be a lie doesn't make
sense, but keep it relevant to the conversation.

The baseline allows us to establish a new normal for each person.

The interpretations we learn for non-verbal gestures are
generalized, and not every person is the same. Because one person
does a non-verbal gesture out of discomfort or as a means of
protecting themselves, doesn't mean that this is the case for
everyone. The baseline gives us something to compare the person's
behaviour to their own typical behavior as opposed to a generalized
view of what it should be.

It is important to obtain a baseline because some people regularly

do something during a conversation that unless you have a baseline
to compare to might make you think they're lying. For example,
some people like to stand with their arms crossed over their chest
while they're talking. Most commonly this would be interpreted as
a defensive closed off position. While it can be a closed off
defensive position, it is also a comfortable stance for some people
when they are absorbing and thinking about the conversation.

There are some people who have unconscious reactions to being

questioned that may make them seem like they're lying unless you
have a baseline to compare it to. I knew a guy who every time you
asked if he was looking at a woman he would blush even if he
wasn't. I'm not sure why, but I know his wife used to love teasing
him and making him blush. If you didn't have a baseline, it may
seem like there was something happening to cause it when in fact it
was caused simply by the suggestion of something happening.

This can often be evidenced when the same behavior occurs even
when the situation being questioned changes. This is what a
baseline can do for us. It is beneficial not only to us in obtaining
accurate information, but also to the people we are reading in order
to give them a fair reading as opposed to one steeped in
generalization.
One place where non-verbal communication is used regularly is
when investigators are interviewing someone. This could be a
suspect or a witness or even a character witness. In this setting
preparing the room properly can either add to or detract from the
interpretation of non-verbal communication.

While it is not essential, the investigator should keep in mind when

setting up the room that it should at the very least accomplish two
things. Those two things are that firstly the room should be
arranged in a way that the interviewee will be comfortable.
Secondly, the room should be arranged so that the investigator has
a clear view of the interviewee at all times. This makes it possible
for the investigator to see non-verbal communication as well as
focus on the verbal.

The alternative reason for maintaining a clear view of the

interviewee is psychological. When you are trying to close
someone out, what do you do? Place something between you.
Placing a table or other object between you is aiding the
interviewee in closing off communication. The exact opposite of
what you're looking for.

If the interview room is a comfortable place, the interviewee will

be more relaxed, and this will make signs of stress and unease
easier to be spotted. It also makes it easier to spot things that the
behaviour could be in response to. This can help to eliminate false
positives. Making it easier to determine what is useful information
and what is not.

Illustrators refer to the general hand motions people make when

carrying on a conversation. It is not really important what motions
they are making, what is important is the speed they are making
them at, and the amount they are using them.

While it is quite common for people to use illustrators to help get

their point across when the stress level increases their use of
illustrators may increase or decrease. Any change in their illustrator
usage could be a sign of deception. It is not only an increase that
may show deception.

Manipulators are another thing to watch for. Like Illustrators they

are also handed movements; however, these ones are not used to
help get a point across. The sole purpose of these hand motions is
to release nervous energy by doing something.

Common ones are clasping and releasing their hands, or perhaps

fiddling with jewelry such as a ring or something. It could be as
simple as picking lint off their clothes. Picking at their fingers or
fingernails. Those are some of the more common manipulators.

It should also be mentioned that just because these are common

manipulators, does not mean that they can't also just be habits. It is
essential to remember that these are general occurrences and that
people can and do deviate from the norm.

Another non-verbal gesture that can indicate truth or deception is

what is referred to as full-body positioning. As you would expect it
involves the positioning of the whole body. During a conversation,
as the questions become more serious, an honest person will have a
tendency to lean towards the person they're talking to.

The flip side of that, of course, is the person that is being less than
completely honest may do one of a couple of things. They may lean
back away from the person they are talking too. This is emotionally
putting the brakes on, trying to discourage the conversation. The
other thing they might do is to totally change their posture.

If a person is being made really uncomfortable by the conversation,

and are being dishonest, they may do what is called fleeing the
room. That doesn't mean getting up and leaving. It is an emotional
fleeing. Their upper body may continue to face the person they are
in conversation with, but they may shift so that their legs are facing
the door. This is typically interpreted as the unconscious mind
trying to get the person to leave. It is also a common non-verbal
cue for the other person to end the conversation.

This next one you have probably heard of and dismissed it as being
too easy or too obvious. That is covering the mouth. That's right,
just like when we were kids they may cover their mouth with either
their fingers or their hands. A lot of people tend to interpret this as
a subconscious effort to keep dishonest words from coming out.

You should remember that non-verbal clues by themselves are

unreliable. They can be interpreted and used for direction to ask
more questions and dig out the truth, but they should not be used as
proof of deception. Especially when it is a single gesture. It is
important to look at the context, the person state of mind, and their
baseline.

Some people exhibit gestures on a regular basis that would

typically be expected of a person that is stressed or being
deceptive. There are also people who are continuously stressed, so
it should be no surprise for these people to be executing stress
indicating non-verbal gestures.
If you ever talk to a scientist about the reasons that non-verbal
gestures will give away someone who is lying, they will typically
suggest one of three reasons. They may also suggest a combination
of the three reasons.

The first one I'll explain is the affective approach. A lot of people
refer to this one as the emotional approach. It suggests that there
are three emotions that are typically experienced by someone
involved in being deceptive. They are excitement, fear, and guilt.

The guilt would be because of the act of deceiving someone. The

excitement is because some people experience what is known as
“duping delight” which is a euphoric feeling at getting away with
something. The other emotion typically experienced is fear. This
could be a fear of being caught in their deception. The belief is that
because of those emotions their non-verbal gestures would not be
normal and therefore would reveal their deception.

Just as there are some people who live in a constant state of stress,
I'm sure there are those who live in a constant state of deceit. As it
becomes their norm, there is no sure way to say that they would
indeed portray the non-verbal clues that we would expect of them.
This is another instance where having a baseline for the person
helps.
Another reason most scientists may offer is referred to as the
working memory model. Often it is also referred to as the cognitive
load approach. This approach works on the belief that persons non-
verbal communication will give them away because it is easier to
be honest than deceptive.

The dishonest person has to tell a lie that fits with the situation in
order for it to be believed. They have to avoid contradicting
themselves, and they have to remember exactly what they said. The
simpler it is the easier it is to repeat it correctly if asked. It needs to
be complex enough to be believable though.

That is a lot of extra things to be thinking about all while trying to

tell your lie and appear like you're not lying. Hesitation could be
considered to be part of this, as perhaps they are running checks on
their story before committing themselves to it. They don't want to
be caught in their lie. If it didn't matter if they were caught, they
probably wouldn't bother to lie about it.

The last one is the attempted control method. This one works off
the assumption that the deceiver may be concerned with their non-
verbal gestures giving them away, and may, therefore, try to control
those actions. The downfall of this method is that the deceiver may
end up overcontrolling their behaviours and may, as a result, end up
executing behaviours that appear fake. They may suppress body
movements so much in order to prevent their non-verbal clues from
giving them away from that they become rigid which then gives
them away.

It is possible for all three things to happen at the same time. There
will typically be one more prevalent than the others, and this will
depend on the particular situation as well as the person involved.
High stakes lie tend to elicit nervous responses, while non-verbal
cues that indicate increased cognitive load are more typical in
situations involving complicated lies.

Motivated liars are the aptest to try to control their voices and
actions to prevent their non-verbal cues from giving them away. It
is still necessary to understand that while these behaviours can
represent deceitfulness, they don't necessarily do so. An honest
person, nervous because they are being questioned could also
exhibit any of these non-verbal cues. It is important to consider the
context and to be willing to question deeper to find the truth.

It is always better to ask more questions to try to verify your

suspicions than to just take the first non-verbal clue as proof of
your suspicions. It is better to err on the side of caution, or as you
may have heard it said, innocent until proven guilty.
 Chapter 6: Becoming Better at Reading People
Now that you have an understanding of non-verbal communication,
you need to practice in order to get better at analyzing people. You
want to start small and work your way up. I mean, after all,
Leonardo da Vinci didn't paint the Mona Lisa the very first time he
picked up a paintbrush. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
It's ok to take time to get good at a new skill.

A good place to start is to practice understanding other peoples

emotions. Typically these present more of a struggle and therefore
require more effort to mask than feelings. For this reason, many
people tend to have emotional leakage even if they're trying not to
show you how they feel.
These little leakages of emotions are most commonly referred to as
micro-expressions. They show up briefly before we are able to
mask them over. Sometimes they are present because the person
you're talking to doesn't think you're looking at them. Sometimes
they just can't be helped. They are a subconscious gesture more
often than not.

Let's take a look at some of the emotions we express. If you can

recognize the base emotions you will progress much quicker at
becoming effective at reading other people. You will still need to
practice, but you'll have a good foundation to start from. The
foundation is the most important part when building anything, so
don't be afraid to spend time solidifying your foundation. You'll
reap the rewards later.

The look of fear on somebody's face is quite often confused with a

surprised look. There are a few details that can tell the difference
for you. To start with on a fearful face, the eyes won't be open as
wide as they would be on a surprised face.

When you're expressing fear your mouth is pulled wider as your

lips tend to move back as opposed to the slack-jawed open mouth
look of surprise. The eyebrows can also help you differentiate
between the two emotions. When expressing fear the eyebrows are
a lot flatter than they are with surprise.

The eyebrows tend to arch when showing surprise. While all these
differences are distinctive, they are also pretty minuscule, and as
you practice you'll get better at spotting the differences, but don't
worry if you don't catch it every time at the start.

When somebody is expressing happiness, the most likely

expression is a true smile. If you look at the corner of the lips, they
should be pulled up if it's a true smile. The other feature that says
it's a real smile is the crow feet at the corner of the eyes. You can
also look at the lower eyelid and see if it appears pouchy. These
things all grouped together to say it is a real smile.

Context is important in this situation as well. If someone is

extremely tired but are giving you a genuine smile, it may not
appear as vibrant and substantial as it would if they were not so
tired. Factors like this need to be taken into consideration when
interpreting the non-verbal signals you are receiving.

There are three things to look for to determine if someone is

showing anger. Start with the brow. Is it furled? Good now move
onto the eyes, the lower eyelids should appear tight and the upper
eyelids should be raised. The lips should be tight and pressed
together. Disgust and anger are commonly confused, however,
disgust will also include a raised upper lip and the nose will have a
wrinkle. Neither of those is present in an angry expression.

In identifying the expression for embarrassment, the neck should

be exposed. This is because the head will typically move down and
to the side. The embarrassed smile is different as well. The lips
press tightly together but raise slightly at the edge. Kind of more
like a grin than a smile.

Don't confuse this one with shame. When looking at an expression

of shame the head will typically move straight down as opposed to
down and to the side. There also will not be a smile. It is easy to
confuse these two, and especially when you're first starting, you
may need to pay specific attention to the smaller details to interpret
it correctly.
When trying to identify a prideful look, look for the head to be
tilted back and the jaw will be thrust out. Very common
expressions of power, that go hand in hand with pride. They should
also have a slight smile with just the corners of the lips raised to
indicate their happiness.
Don't confuse this look with contempt. While the two are close,
when you see contempt the head tilt will be there, but there won't
be a smile. Instead, you will find an asymmetrical movement of the
mouth. One side will be tightened while the other side won't be.

With a look of surprise that was mentioned when we talked about

anger, there will be the slack-jawed open mouth look. As well if
you look at the eyes, the difference you will find with surprise is
that the eyebrows will be arched. Also, the upper eyelids should be
raised.

Identifying an expression of contempt will involve ensuring that

the head is tilted to the side. The corner of the mouth should tighten
only on one side. Sounds an awful lot like disgust doesn't it? With
disgust though you have the wrinkled nose and raised upper lip,
whereas with contempt the eyes will be looking to the side. There
will be no raised upper lip and no wrinkling of the nose.

We have previously mentioned disgust in connection with both

anger and contempt. Another point to look for in identifying
disgust is the mouth to open and the tongue to stick out. This is
believed to be in case there is the necessity of vomiting. It makes it
easier to distinguish between disgust and anger or contempt
though.
A flirting expression typically consists of the head is turned away,
but the narrowed eyes making contact at the same time. As well as
the corners of the lips being pulled up, the cheeks should also rise
slightly. If you need another item to distinguish a flirtatious smile,
the eyes should be slightly narrower than a neutral face.

A painful expression is typically fairly easy to distinguish.

Typically in a painful expression, the eyes will be tightly closed
and the eyebrows are usually lowered. At the same time the bottom
half of the face the lips will tighten and press upwards. More like a
grimace than a smile. This is quite often seen when somebody is
being empathetic to another person's pain. There are a few
variations of the painful expression, based on whether it is an
empathetic pain, physical pain and even an emotional pain may be
slightly different.

A compassionate expression typically involves the pulling in and

raising of the eyebrows. Along with this, the lips will be
compressed. Most often compassion is mixed up with the look for
sadness. The eye movement is the same, but with sadness, the lips
don't compress. Instead, they pull down. As you can see mixing
these two up would not be very difficult.
With amusement, the signs you look for are the head being thrown
back and the mouth is open. The eyes should be narrowed and, just
as with a legitimate smile, you should see the crows feet appear at
the corners of the eyes. If you really need to make sure, the open
mouth should be surrounded by relaxed muscles. A lot of times
people say the eyes will sparkle, but this has not been scientifically
proven.

When we're expressing interest, the eyebrows will typically raise

straight up. As opposed to with happiness where the muscles
around the eyes won't be so contracted. The corners of the lips will
tend to be raised in a slight smile. The smile won't be nearly as
exaggerated as the smile of happiness.

A look of sadness is typically identified by the eyebrows. The

eyebrows will pull in and slightly up. This will result in the skin of
the forehead above the nose having the appearance of a pouch. The
corners of the lips will be pulled straight down. This expression is
commonly confused with shame. The movement of the eyebrows is
actually shared with compassion.

To correctly diagnose desire you need to look at the mouth. Licking

the lips, or possibly puckering them, maybe even biting them
signals desire. The mouth is typically opened with the tongue
slightly sticking out. Although it is somewhat related to love, desire
won't typically include the head tilt or warm smile associated with
love. The eyes may look quite similar though.

Shame is primarily about gaze aversion. The head typically tilts

down, and the chin is pulled in towards the neck. The eyes are
lowered. This is a very submissive look as well. Commonly
confused with sadness, shame doesn't involve the eyebrow
movements or pulling down of the lips that are found in a look of
sadness.

To tell when someone is being polite, look for a slight smile. It will
be missing the signs of true happiness though. There will be no
crows feet visible around the corners of the eyes. The cheeks will
remain normal, not be raised like in a smile of genuine happiness.
This again needs to be considered in context, as there are variations
in the level of happiness and as such there are variations in the non-
verbal signs that accompany the expression of the emotion.

Embarrassment is typically accompanied by at least one hand

touching the face. This is often thought to be a defensive reaction.
The head will be moved down and to the side, and the mouth will
have the lips pulled together and raised in a slight smile. It is often
thought that a reddish tinge to the neck and cheeks is a sign of
embarrassment. This seems to be true in some people, but it's not
that reliable in diagnosing embarrassment. Embarrassment is
sometimes confused with humiliation, but the two are very
different.

Love is very similar to happiness in its expression. The bottom

eyelids will be tightened changing the shape of the eyes. There
won't typically be crows feet, but the lips will rise in a slight smile.
Not quite as exaggerated as a smile of happiness though. These
features will be combined with a head tilt to the side. This shows
the intimacy and connection that is not associated with happiness
alone. This expression is commonly referred to as having a look of
dopiness.

An important part of being able to read people is learning to trust

yourself. More specifically you need to learn to trust your gut. Your
intuition, It is your internal truth meter that doesn't work on logic,
but gives you a primal response based on non-verbal signals before
you have a chance to think. It lets you know if you're comfortable
with someone, and if you can trust them or not.

Another thing you need to do to improve your ability to read

people is to get in tune with yourself. Your body comes equipped
with many systems to aid you in reading people. The one I'm
referring to now is goosebumps. That's right goosebumps.
Goosebumps are actually pretty impressive when you understand
them. While typically thought to signal to be cold, goosebumps
actually have a part in signalling many more things than that.

You have probably heard of having goosebumps being referred to

as a goose walking over your grave, or maybe you've been told it
means you're cold. While you do get goosebumps when you're
cold, that is not their only and definitely not their primary purpose.

Have you ever experienced deja-vu? That feeling when you realize
you've known someone before, yet you just met them? That
connection seems as if you've known them forever. Similarly, there
is an experience where you have lived through a situation before.
Now you are living it and it's exactly like it was before, right down
to the words being said. Have you ever noticed that during
experiences of deja-vu you have goosebumps? This is not a
coincidence.

Goosebumps are a very intuitive tool, and we need to learn to trust

them if we're ever going to be really good at reading people. They
are designed to alert us when we connect with someone on a deep
internal level. Maybe we were moved or inspired by something
they said. Perhaps it's more of a feeling connected to them.
Quite often people will refer to the nudging they get from their
goosebumps as a tingle. So you could say they are the silent alarm
system that gives us an intuitive tingle when we are experiencing
either deja-vu or a connection with someone that we're unaware of.
Being tuned in to our own bodies enough to recognize these tingles
will allow us to act on the notifications as opposed to passing over
them unaware.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and all the
sudden you had this quick little “ah-ha” thought about the person
you were talking to. Then just as quickly as it came you were on to
the next thought and it was gone again. Well, those little flashes or
“ah-ha” moments are critical insights, and if you're not paying
attention to them, you'll miss them. These are your subconscious
trying to reveal something to your conscious mind. The more we
work at it, the stronger this link between subconscious and
conscious can be strengthened.

Another thing you may have noticed, or maybe you haven't noticed
it yet is experiencing physical symptoms intuitively. Have you ever
been talking to someone, and all of a sudden your back hurts when
it had felt perfectly fine a few minutes before. Or have you ever left
an event that was pretty uneventful yet you felt depressed?
These can all be signs of intuitive empathy. This can be very useful
sometimes, but not everybody engages empathy to this level.
Another area to look at is our emotional energy. Some people say
we have an aura around us that can be seen and depending on our
energy the color will change. It is also believed that we have an
energy around us that can be felt. This may be the same energy
realized on different levels, or perhaps they are two separate and
distinctive things.

The Chinese refer to this energy as Chi. Regardless of what you

call this subtle energy, it is the reason some people make you feel
more alive like you could do anything when you're around them.
While others will make you feel like you're being dragged down.
When you instinctively want to avoid someone or leave their
presence as soon as possible, this is your subconscious mind
reacting to the unseen energy. This is often referred to as giving off
a vibe.

Reading peoples emotional energy doesn't need to be difficult. It

can greatly increase your accuracy in reading someone. It's
typically done subconsciously, but everybody we interact with will
typically either entice us to get closer or repel us away making us
want to get away from them. If their emotional energy is attractive,
it will make us want to get closer to them because their emotional
energy is attracting us.

Others will make us want to run away from them, and we may even
feel like we're being pushed away from them. This is their
emotional energy repelling us. It's what brings like people together.
It could also be why opposites attract. The one who has less
appealing energy may be attracted to the one who has positive
energy because they make them feel better. Typically the one with
the positive energy will be much more in tune to these things, and
will feel the other persons negative energy but will want to help
them.

The eyes are referred to as the window to the soul because they
reveal so much about us. If you take time to notice peoples eyes,
you will see that they will tell you if someone is guarded or hiding
or if they're home, which will tell you if they're emotionally
available for intimacy or not. Also even when people can learn to
control their facial expressions, put on a mask so to speak, it is very
difficult to conceal what is shown in our eyes.

Physical touch is a huge indicator of a person's emotional energy.

The most common is the handshake. If a person is timid, or not
wanting to commit their handshake will be limp. Where a confident
person or one willing to commit will have a firm handshake. If
someone has clammy hands it typically indicates that the person is
anxious for one reason or another. An exceptionally firm
handshake sometimes referred to as a bone-crushing handshake is
not a sign of a more confident person, this is typically someone
trying to intimidate the other person. Unless in the odd case it is
someone who just doesn't realize their own strength.

A hug is the next most common form of physical touch that we use
to evaluate somebody's emotional energy. When we hug somebody
we tend to notice on a subconscious level if the hug feels warm and
secure. If it does it will typically give a feeling of being safe, and
draws us closer to the other person. On the other hand, if the hug
makes us want to cut it short and put distance between us, it is
typically referred to as being cold or closed off. It gives us the
feeling of being shut out or abandoned.

The tone of someone's voice is another form of non-verbal

communication. It can tell us much more about a person than the
words they are saying. Some common feelings that can be relayed
in the tone of someone's voice are a feeling of abrasiveness. This is
like sandpaper, often referred to as they grate on you. Maybe you
will get the feeling the person is whiny or snippy. You could even
get a soothing feeling. It's not hard to imagine which of these
energies will attract other people.
You can have some fun experimenting with this one if you like. Get
a video recorder or use your cell phone and record yourself saying
the same phrase, but alter your tone of voice each time and notice
the difference. Does the meaning of what you're saying change
with the different tones and inflections in your voice. You can also
try changing the volume as well.

The reason behind these feelings we get when interacting with

other people, especially when it comes to tone of voice, is that
sound frequencies cause vibrations. These vibrations are picked up
by our senses mostly on a subconscious level and then relayed to
our conscious minds as a feeling. A big part of learning to analyze
people is to tune in to yourself. Learn to listen to your subconscious
and how to recognize what it is telling you.
Chapter 7: Read the Situation and Ask the Right
Question
I have stated earlier that when somebody's non-verbal signals make
you think they may be lying that you should ask more questions to
find evidence of your suspicion. That's all great but if we don't
know how to ask the right questions we're still not going to get the
information we are looking for.

So how do you know what to ask? Open-ended questions are a

good place to start. This is why these are commonly used in
surveys. The reason is that an open-ended question entices the
respondent to answer in a thoughtful honest manner. If you ask
leading questions, you may get the answer you're looking for, but it
won't necessarily be an honest answer. It will most likely be the
answer the respondent thought you were looking for.

If you look at any survey the one thing you will notice is they have
the same types of questions. The importance is the phrasing of the
question as much as the actual question itself. Some examples of
questions you will find on surveys are What did you think of our
service? How can we improve our service to you? What did you
think of a certain product? How did you feel while using this
product? What could we do to improve your experience of using
this product? How could we improve your overall experience of
using our service?

The list is endless of the questions you will find on surveys. The
important part is how the questions are asked. What do you notice
about the examples I gave you? How did they make you feel?
Unless I'm mistaken they should have made you feel like your
opinion was valuable. Perhaps even like you were providing a
service or doing a favor in return.

I'm not sure if you noticed, but they all start with How or What.
You may even remember some uses of these open-ended type of
questions from your childhood. What were you thinking? How
come you did that? Interesting isn't it. If you ask a question that is a
yes or no question you aren't going to gain much information.
However, if you ask open-ended questions such as any of the above
you will hopefully get a much broader range of information.

An important part of asking the right question is to be purposeful.

By that I mean to make sure that your question serves a purpose.
Obviously the purpose is to gain information, but if you have a
tendency to ask the same thing three or four different ways the only
possible purpose of this would be confirmation of the answer. It
runs the risk of annoying the person being questioned though.
Perhaps that is your purpose.

If you think, for example, that your teenager lied to you about their
whereabouts last night, you may want to make your questions
about what they said happened or where they said they were. This
will allow them the opportunity to give away the fact that they
weren't actually there. If you have a good idea of where they
actually were, you can ask a few questions about their story, and
then sneak one in about what you believe actually happened
without sounding accusatory.

A good rule of thumb for asking the right question is to keep it

simple. The more complex you make your questions the more you
reduce the likelihood that you will get honest answers. The person
hearing the question is going to interpret it in a manner that may
give it a different meaning than what you were asking for.
Simplicity helps to reduce the chances of this.

If someone is unsure of what you are asking, they may ask for
clarification or they may just push ahead with what they think
you're asking. In the latter situation, they will be at least half
focused on if they interpreted your question correctly. Do you see
how that could lead to less informative answers?

There is a saying that the quality of the solutions you arrive at is

directly influenced by the quality of the questions you ask. There is
a lot of truth to this saying. Computer programmers refer to this as
GIGO. Any idea what that stands for? It stands for Garbage in,
Garbage out. In other words, if you put garbage in you are going to
get garbage out. If you ask quality thought-provoking questions,
you will get quality thought-inspired answers.

In this day and age, everybody must have at least heard of Google
even if you haven't used it yourself. Did you know that Google is
about more than just finding whatever information you're looking
for. It's also about learning that if you don't ask the right question
you don't get the right results. The more focused your query
becomes the more relevant your results are. Try it out. Start with
something vague and then keep getting more and more focused on
the core request.

Have you heard of Socrates, the Greek philosopher? He developed

a method of disciplined questioning that is aptly called Socratic
questioning. It can be used for many purposes some of which
include to get to the truth of things, to uncover assumptions, and to
analyze concepts. All three of those are useful in learning to read
people.

These Socratic principles were first used in a method called

Socratic solitaire by Charlie Munger. You start by asking a series of
questions, and then you answer those questions. You continue back
and forth, and this will not only show the width and breadth of your
mind but will increase the multidisciplinary aspects of your mind
as well.

This is an awesome tool for self analyzation. The only thing that
can impede you is if you get stuck in a series of wrong questions.
You need to ask the right questions to get the information you're
after. There is a limit to what you can learn from self-discovery,
reading books and even searching Google. At some point, you need
to add another human being.
You've probably heard that there's no such thing as a stupid
question, and while that's a cute little saying, that's all it is. It's
wrong. While the questions may not of themselves be stupid, if the
person asking the question isn't going to learn anything from it
being answered, then it's useless. That's pretty close to stupid in my
opinion.

Let's look at some examples of these type of questions. The first

type is the one that I refer to as sponge questions. People that ask
sponge questions are lazy. They don't want to put in the effort to
learn themselves. They want to know the answer, and soak it up
and don't care how it was arrived at. They are intellectually
dishonest.

Then there are the wrong questions. These are the ones that are
based on incorrect assumptions. When not knowing comes from
incorrect assumptions, it can be forgiven, but not so much when the
asker is closed-minded regarding their incorrect assumptions. If the
asker is not willing to entertain new ideas or the fact that their
assumptions could be wrong, then answering their question also
becomes useless.
Then you have the ugly questions. Yes, I said ugly questions. How
can a question be ugly you might be thinking. Well, I'll tell you.
When a question isn't really a question but a statement that has
been disguised as a question. You might be wondering what I'm
talking about. Let me be clearer.

What I mean is the person who is asking a question even though

they don't have a question. They need to ask something to draw
attention to the fact that they're there, and in the process are trying
to impress others with how much they know. Not only are these a
waste of time, but they are also only meant to make the asker feel
better about themselves. They are intellectually bankrupt.

Any question that is precluded with “Don't you think...” is not a

real question. You will not find a question starting this way that is
not fueled by bias. This makes them dangerous no matter where
they are voiced. These are some examples of bad questions.

Now that we know what bad questions look like, we know what
kind of questions to avoid, and we can look at what good questions
look like. A good question doesn't necessarily bring you to an
answer. How can that be a good question, you're wondering. Easily,
it can make you look more closely at your ideas and in the process
defines a new question.
Another thing a good question does, is it highlights the fact that the
person asking the question is actively participating in finding the
solution. They are actively applying their intelligence to the task
rather than passively waiting for someone else to provide the
answer.

So how do you design a good question? It starts with humility. A

good question doesn't presume to assume any entitlement to the
solution. The attitude makes the question. Being aware, paying
attention and willingly participating in finding the answer. These
are the things that count.

These are the things that lead to the development of thought-

provoking questions. The person asking the question becomes
entitled to the answer because they're competent and have the right
attitude.

Be willing to put time into the development of your question. And

don't worry bad questions pave the way to good questions. If you
spend time in self analyzation utilizing lots of bad questions, don't
worry, with practice you will become adept at eliminating the bad
ones and you will find the good questions.
What do you do if you don't understand the answer? Just like a
farmer prepares the soil before planting, you need to prepare your
mind before asking the question. If you sufficiently wrestle with
the question prior to asking it, this prepares your mental soil to
receive the answer and let it germinate. Socratic solitaire is a good
exercise for this.

Don't be a sloppy thinker, write down your thoughts. This is the

best way to organize your thoughts and decide what needs to be in
the question, and what doesn't. It is important that your question be
clear and well expressed. It doesn't need to be flawless but should
be precise. It should show that you've put thought into it.

Good questions are where developing deeper understanding is

founded. Good questions fuel thought. They exercise the mind.
They also reveal issues that may otherwise not be uncovered. In
short, a good question is one of the best gifts you can give.

Essential questions are what provokes us to focus on substantive

and significant thoughts. Questions are what drive us to think,
therefore the quality of our questions determines the quality of our
thoughts. The quality of our thoughts directly influences the quality
of life we experience.
When we apply our intellect through discipline to determine what
lies at the center of an issue, our thinking becomes grounded, and
we are able to ask the necessary questions to deal with the issues
that are relevant to the current situation. There are many areas in
life where it is necessary to ask the appropriate questions in order
to be successful.

Asking the right question is rarely addressed in school, and a lot of

people don't even pause to think about it. There are different
categories of appropriate questions as well. Some are for
academical issues, some for our thoughts. Our feelings and desires
will have their own as well. Some will be analytical in nature while
others will be evaluative.

I will try to outline the power that is contained in asking essential

questions without sounding too scholarly. When the answer to a
question creates another question in itself, though is driven forward
as inquiry. If you have no questions originating in your mind, you
are not participating in learning anything substantive.

If you look at any of the fields of study that exist such as biology,
or physics even biochemistry, none of them would exist if the
people who laid the foundation for them had not asked the basic
questions that started them thinking in that direction. If no one ever
wondered how chemical processes interact and if they change
within living things, biochemistry wouldn't exist.

If you want to be skilled at thinking, you need to become skilled at

questioning. An indispensable tool of the intellectual variety is the
essential question. Achieving a state of mine that produces
essential questions as second nature is an achievable and desirable
goal.

Effective questions are powerful, open-ended and thought-

provoking. They do not lead the person being questioned and they
are not “why” questions. While there are situations that require the
use of “why” questions, these are more suited to gaining
information; however, they also carry the possibility of making
people defensive. This makes it necessary to use them sparingly
and carefully.

“What” and “How” questions tend to be effective questions,

especially when combined with the patience to wait for the answer
and not provide it. Effective questioning contains not only the
ability to listen for the answer but also the ability to not judge while
you're hearing the answer.
When we judge what the person we're talking to tells us, we place
our opinions over what they are saying. This can effectively block
us from learning new ideas. It also makes the person we're talking
to feel like they're being judged which makes them close off and be
less willing to communicate. When we suspend judgment they feel
like they're being listened to and understood. You don't have to
agree with someone to understand their position.
 Chapter 8: How to Influence People with Your
Body and Your Mind
Human beings are constantly telling those we meet about our
status, who we are and how we feel. The way we carry ourselves
naturally without conscious thought makes these things
instinctively understandable to those that we meet. This can either
have a positive or negative impact on how people see us and thus
on how they interact with us.

When you choose to make those signals a conscious effort, you

then have the power to decide how you come across to people.
How they perceive you and how they will interact with you. This
allows you to have better connections, communication, and
influence over those you interact with.

If your body language portrays that you are confident, assertive and
powerful other people will be more likely to be influenced by you.
You need to balance this with body language that invites people to
connect with you. Otherwise, they won't trust you and will be more
apt to feel dominated than connected.

It is a fact that people listen to people they trust. If you learn to use
your body language appropriately you will be able to become
trustworthy. This will allow you to become more influential and
persuasive.

While it sounds simple, a smile is one of the most powerful tools

there are for connecting with people. When people see you smiling
they will think of you as approachable, confident and warm. These
are all characteristics that instill trust as well. If people like you
they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say. A smile
is the first step in building this trusting relationship.

This is why it is important to smile whenever you meet anyone. It

needs to be a genuine smile though. Use your eyes as well as your
mouth to smile. If you're having a bad day or are in a bad mood,
thinking of happy occasions or someone you love can make it
easier to form a true smile. If the person you are interacting with is
in a bad mood, you may want to start by being sympathetic and
understanding and work up to a smile. In this way, you may elevate
them from their bad mood and strengthen your bond with them.

The rapport we have with other people has an enormous effect on

how easy it will be to get them to listen to you. It also profoundly
increases the chance of them supporting you. How do you build
rapport with someone?

Rapport is built when you find something in common. The easiest

way to find something in common with someone is to use your
body. If you subtly copy their movements, they will feel a
connection to you and won't even know why. If they cross their
legs, do the same. If they rest a hand on the table, rest yours there
too. When they start to copy the movements you are doing you are
in a good position to be able to influence them.

So how do you get people to say yes to you? Obviously you have
to make them want to say yes to you. An excellent way to do this is
to get them nodding their head before even asking anything. When
you nod at someone, they feel subconscious like they should nod
back.
When they are talking start nodding slightly as if you agree with
their statements. When it's your turn to talk nod slightly and watch
them return the motion. Once someone is nodding their head, their
inclination is to agree with you as long as your proposal is
reasonable.

Height differential is a great way to gain the advantage. What I

mean is if you stand up while the person you're talking to is sitting
down, you automatically gain the upper hand. When you do this,
they feel that you are more dominant and powerful. This will make
their instinct to give in to you. As long as you don't lean in to close
and make them feel bullied.

This also works when making phone calls even though the other
person can't see you. It makes you feel more powerful and
dominant and this will come through in your voice.This will make
it easier for you to have those assertive conversations when you
need to.

People love to be flattered. Flattery is a tricky art to pull off without

sounding like you're sucking up. When you use your body to make
them feel flattered it is less so. To show an interest in them simply
tilt your head or body towards them. It is much more common for
them to agree with you when they feel important and listened to.
When they unconsciously mimic your leaning in, you have
established a good rapport.
Don't overdo it when you lean in towards someone. If they move
back you have definitely shown that you're in charge, but you could
come off as intimidating or threatening. You want people to like
you and not to be scared of you.

Your feet are a tool of great subconscious influence when used

properly. If you point them at someone it indicates interest. This
will help to build trust. Also if you are asking someone to make a
choice, if you subtly point your feet in the direction of what you
want them to choose, subconsciously they will be led to choose in
that direction. They also work for getting someone to end a
conversation without you having to say anything. If you point your
feet and subtly angle your body toward the exit, they will
subconsciously realize it's time to leave.

When you want to show someone you're in charge, standing in a

pose similar to superman's with your hands on your hips and your
feet wide apart will make you appear dominant. Not only will it
make you appear dominant, but it will also make you feel
dominant. This is due to the release of testosterone that this pose
elicits.
Sometimes you need the feeling without the appearance, and you
can accomplish this by assuming the pose for a few moments
before meeting with the person. When you meet with the person
you can assume a more welcoming open pose and still feel the
effects of the testosterone.

I'm sure you've all heard of first impressions and how important
they are. It's true they are. From the first time people meet you they
are constantly analyzing you to see if you're someone, they should
have dealings with. If you learn to control your body movements,
you can learn to gain trust, stand out and win credibility every time
you speak.

Struggling with how to get someone to like you. It's not as tricky as
it seems. Ask them to do you a favor. As crazy as it sounds, if
someone does you a favor, their subconscious will say that you
must have been worthy of receiving whatever the favor was.
Therefore they must like you. It has been proven that someone who
has done a favor for you will be more likely to do another than
someone that you have done a favor for.

Another technique that has proven successful is often referred to as

the door in the face technique. Start off by asking someone for
something much more than you actually want. Something
ridiculous that they will refuse to do. After they refuse the request,
return a little while later and ask for something reasonable. The
thing you originally wanted. They will feel bad for having refused
you the first time, and when you present them with a reasonable
request they will feel compelled to grant your request.

Using a persons name or title depending on the situation can have

very positive effects. You should know that this technique can seem
very corny though. It has been proven that a person name is the
best sound for them in any language. Their name is a core part of
who they are. When you use their name, you give them validation.
They then subconsciously are influenced to have a positive opinion
of you, because you validated them. Similarly using someone's
title, for example, if you want an acquaintance to be a friend,
referring to them as such is a method of self-fulfilling prophecy. Or
if you refer to someone as a boss who you want to work for. Their
subconscious will tell them that's who they are in relation to you.

Flattery works well, and in contradiction to the saying flattery will

get you nowhere, it will actually get you everywhere. It has been
shown though that people have a habit of looking for cognitive
balance.
What this means is that if you flatter someone of high self-esteem,
they will probably look on you favorably because you have just
reinforced how they feel about themselves. If you flatter someone
with low self-esteem they may have a less positive reaction
because what you're saying is in opposition to how they feel about
themselves.

Mirroring someone's behaviour can have positive effects, not only

for you but also for others not even involved in the situation.
Researchers have discovered that if someone is mimicked, they
tend to behave positively with the person that mimicked them. This
is thought to be because they felt validated by the person
mimicking them.

They discovered that not only do the people that were mimicked
have positive interactions with the person that mimicked them, but
with other people who had nothing to do with the situation. This is
believed to be because the validation the person who was
mimicked feels increases their self worth in their eyes, and the
higher self-esteem will make them feel more confident and this will
radiate positively to everybody around.

Another trick is to ask for a favor when someone is tired. Most

often when the person is tired, they will put it off or may say I'll do
it tomorrow. This is because not only are they physically tired, but
their emotional energy level will be low. However the next day
they will likely do it because people tend to keep their word.

Another technique that has proven successful is the opposite of the

door in the face technique. In this case, you want to start out with
something small, and preferably easily done. Studied in a
marketing sense, it has been proven that once you get someone to
commit to supporting something if you wait a couple of days to ask
for another commitment, or for them to buy something, they tend to
comply.

Another method of endearing someone to you is to not correct them

when they're wrong. Instead of objecting and stating your opinion
which tends to lead only to arguments, listen to them. When they're
done point out the areas where you have common ground, and
build from there. This will promote dialogue more than arguing,
and they will be more inclined to listen when you present your
point of view. This also allows them the option of being corrected
without losing face.

When you're talking to someone a simple technique to endear

yourself to them is to listen to what they are saying and then
paraphrase it and repeat it back to them as a question. This will
show that you understand them and that you listened to them. This
will strengthen your friendship with them, and they will be inclined
to listen to you when you are talking.

Pupil dilation is a subconscious way of showing interest. In studies,

it has been shown that people with dilated pupils are seen as more
attractive than those without. This is something primarily
controlled subconsciously, but if you can learn to consciously
control it, it gives you another tool to add to your arsenal to
influence people with body language.

When you quickly raise your eyebrows typically seen when

greeting someone familiar, often referred to as eyebrow flashing, it
creates a cognitive reaction in the person you flashed. They wonder
if they know you, or may subconsciously return the eyebrow flash
establishing a connection even if there wasn't one previously.

Burst their bubble. By that, I mean their bubble of personal space.

When someone intrudes in our personal space we are aroused.
Depending on who it is how we deal with that arousal will be
different. If it is a stranger entering our bubble, we typically tend to
back away. If a loved one it is usually a much more positive
response. This is why crowded elevators are arousing.
How long you maintain eye contact when you gaze at someone can
show interest, unless it's a stranger, then it will be processed in
connection with other signals from you and could be perceived as a
threat. This is common in the wild as well as with people. If
monkeys hold eye contact too long the receiving one will become
agitated.

Touch can cause many different reactions. When it is a touch or a

hug from somebody we are attracted to or a love interest, it causes
the release of the love hormone, oxytocin, which produces feelings
of sexual attraction and bonding. If it's from a stranger, it can have
different effects. A study performed with waitresses in a restaurant
resulted in the ones who touched their customer's arm when
bringing their bill receiving higher tips than the non-touches.

A sigh will gain someone's attention. Think back to the last time a
friend or loved one sighed when they were with you. What was
your immediate reaction? Something along the lines of What's
wrong? This is quite common as there are a number of reasons a
person might sigh, and thus the sigh gains our attention and a desire
to know what caused it.

It has been suggested that a shrug disarms people who are

confronting someone. There is no research proving this, to my
knowledge, but it has been suggested further that if you watch
president Trump you will see this in action.
Chapter 9: Perfecting the Skill of Analyzing People
Through the Practice
One of the best things you can do if you want to improve your
ability to analyze people is to read more often. This doesn't mean
the skimming through a book while your thoughts run in a million
different directions, but rather to think about the plot, each of the
characters and other options of what could happen.

This will stimulate your thinking. It also provides an excellent

opportunity for you to check your logic skills. Furthermore, it will
expand your imagination. These things will, in turn, increase your
ability to analyze people.
If you don't have time to read or the inclination but spend
significant amounts of time driving every day, whether commuting
or driving for work or for whatever reason, find some thought-
provoking podcasts to listen to. These can also stimulate your
thinking.

Most of them will offer useful tips on how to stimulate your

creativity and challenging ideas and thoughts. This all works
together to increase your mental capacity which you've guessed it
increases your ability to analyze people.

You may not believe this, but it has been shown that regular
exercise of moderate intensity has been shown to be directly related
to increased mental capacity. There are all different types of
exercise that you can choose from, but if you choose something
like tai chi that you have to learn and memorize moves as well as
execute them fluidly, you may increase your mental capacity and
your physical stamina as well.

Playing brain games is a great way to increase your mental capacity

as well as your analytical skills. You can turn off the tv and play a
game with your family and track your progress over time. Perhaps
your family is not interested in playing brain games, but no worry,
there are many brain games out there that you can play by yourself.
Expand your circle of acquaintances. There is nothing wrong with
having a close group you generally associate with, but
conversations will most likely follow similar paths. Socializing
with people you don't normally interact with can offer you different
ideas, perspectives, and stimulating conversation.

If you're not sure where to begin, you can begin by attending a

networking gathering and interact with each person there. You may
be surprised at how much interacting with new people will
stimulate your thinking and get new ideas flowing.

Keeping a journal is a good way to improve your logical abilities as

well. We tend to get caught up in things and it is easy to feel
overwhelmed, but when you write things down it tends to remove
the emotion from it and let you look at it in a logical way. It also
makes it easier to look back on things and track your progress.

An essential yet often overlooked task is to learn something new

every day. It's not relevant so much what you learn as the fact that
you need to learn new things every day. It can be a new recipe you
try or a new hobby you develop. Often once schooling is finished
and the day to day of work takes over many people forget all about
learning. Learning new things keeps your mind active and just like
any muscle the more it's exercised the better shape it will be in.

If you do have time that you could devote to education, you might
want to look at some online courses. The key is to pick something
you have no experience in. After all, we want to learn new things
not just improve on the skills we already have. There is a wide
range of topics that are available in online courses now. It shouldn't
be too hard to find something that you have no previous experience
in.

If you're struggling in any area of your life, it is quite likely that

you will be able to find an app to help you analyze your habits and
pick out and correct any bad habits you have developed. The more
well rounded you are as a person, the better able you will be to read
someone else. Self-improvement is a commonly overlooked
method of improving any skill. Balance is key to success, so to be
successful at learning to read people, you need to read yourself and
find balance.

I already mentioned previously that reading is a great way to

improve your cognitive abilities, but there is a way to improve on
even that. You could look at joining a book club. Some of the
benefits that will provide, are that you will read books you
otherwise probably wouldn't even look at.

Not only will you read those books you wouldn't normally look at,
but you will have to analyze those books. Then when you discuss
them with the other group members, you will gain different
perspectives and challenge your thinking. Plus in the process, you'll
most likely make some new friends with some common ground.

Get curious about something. Curiosity inspires our motivation,

which in turn inspires our creativity and intelligence. Curiosity
causes us to question ourselves and those questions encourage us to
consider alternate methods and possible outlets. This causes us to
compare what we previously knew, or thought we knew, with what
we have learned. This leads to logical solutions. So when the
curiosity bug bites you, embrace it and ask questions. After all the
more you learn the better your analytical skills will become.

Practice being observant. It is all too common nowadays for people

to be engaged in rushing around trying to get things done as
quickly as they can and not focusing so much on how well they can
get them done. Take the time to slow down and focus on the
details. Pay attention to your surroundings and see what is going on
around you.
Watching how somebody does something might spark an idea for
you or give you insights as to how to solve an issue you were
dealing with. A key element of improving your analytical skills is
to challenge yourself to constantly learn more. If you're open while
you do this, you will increase your ability to appreciate and
comprehend different concepts. This will, in turn, assist in
streamlining your process of finding solutions.

Math problems are an excellent way of improving your analytical

skills. They are structured in such a way that you are provided
information and then forced to use that information to find the
solution. The more complicated math problems you solve, the more
your logic and reasoning skills will develop. This, in turn, means
the more your analytical ability will increase.

Some things you can do is identify math problems in everyday life,

and then take the time to solve them. Or if you have the ability and
access, you could enroll in a college level math course. Many of
these courses will help you develop your analytical skills.

Some of you may be pleased to know that there are a number of

video-games available now that help to improve analytical skills.
The ones that focus on strategy and other games that require
solving problems to achieve big goals.

Debate clubs are excellent ways of increasing your analytical

abilities. Your point of view and theories will constantly be
challenged by people who are also trying to improve their own
analytical abilities. Your analytical skills will develop with
participation in almost any social group providing it promotes
seeking knowledge and exchanging of ideas.

There are a number of ways to improve your analytical ability, and

these can be broken down into many more categories I'm sure, but
one thing that can have a profound impact on your ability to
analyze things, people or problems, is to expand your knowledge
base. The more you have in your knowledge base, the more tools
you will have to choose from when it comes to understanding and
interpreting information. Also, there are many ways to increase
your knowledge base.

When it is recommended to read lots, it does not mean pick a topic

or genre that you enjoy and read lots about it. The best method of
improving your knowledge base is to read lots over a wide range of
genres or topics. Subscribe to informative magazines, attend
lectures or other academical talks. You could consider going back
to college or taking other educational classes in your community.

Learn to take the time to think about things. This applies to

everything in your life, the more time you take to think about
things before making decisions the more your analytical skills will
improve. This doesn't mean to dawdle in making decisions, but the
important part is to look at the situation from different perspectives
and to visualize alternate scenarios.

Don't immediately choose the easiest solution, but think about it

and consider all options and outcomes. Don't discard the easiest
solution either though. It could prove to be the best one after all,
but it is best to consider all options before making a decision.

An excellent example of this would be a chess game. Before you

make a move figure out what your opponents most likely response
will be. Then continue to think about all the other options of
responses he or she could make. In this way not only will your
chess game improve, but your analytical abilities will increase as
well.

Expanding your world view is one of the best ways to improve

your analytical abilities. While this may sound simple, it is not a
quick fix and is not easily done. The results are fabulous though.
Travel is a great way to expand your world view, but that is not
always feasible in every situation.

Other ways to expand your world views is to set aside your

religious, political and cultural beliefs about truth. Think of
different ways of viewing the world. Different perspectives to look
at it from.
Pick a position or idea you would normally dismiss immediately,
and work to understand it. How would you defend this position to
someone like you that would normally dismiss it without really
even considering it?

You can also go out of your way to meet people and interact with
people who are very different from yourself, this will help you to
learn to accept and learn to understand ideas that are different from
what you would normally associate yourself with.

Teach yourself to find the connections in things. Many things that

we encounter on a daily basis are connected and those connections
are most often overlooked. This can be exercised on a walk in the
bush, what animals do you see? What connections do they have
with other animals, seasons, pollution, the list is almost never-
ending.
Learn to look at things in a cause and effect method. With your
walk in the bush, and the animals you're seeing, what would
happen to their water supply if there was a severe drought? Where
would the repercussions of that stop, or would they?

Think also about the similarities between things. Are all living
things the same? Do spiders require any of the same things as
humans do to survive? Historical connections are another area to
look at. What cycles, patterns, and trends do you notice? What
about the difference before and after the war?

Paying attention to detail is extremely important. There is a saying

that says the devil is in the details. If you don't know or don't
understand the ins and outs of a problem, or all the details of
something you're trying to find a solution for, you are a lot less
likely to come up with a workable solution that will actually
address the areas of concern.

Another way of honing your analytical and observational skills that

is extremely helpful is to contemplate the natural order of things.
Instead of just accepting that things are the way they are, try to
figure out why they are that way. This will give you a new and
improved understanding of the world, and you will be motivated to
think about complex issues. Keep questioning instead of just
accepting the easy answer. The easy answer will come quickly and
many people stop there. Don't fall into this trap. Keep questioning
until you get an answer that is more thorough and complete.
 Conclusion
Once you've spent some time working on improving your
analytical abilities, it is time to put those skills to work. This can be
done by taking on more responsibilities. Whether it be at work or
applying for a new more challenging job, or doing something on a
volunteer basis. Taking on new responsibilities will allow you to
make use of the skills you have honed, and allow you ways to keep
improving them in the process.

In order for your analytical skills to have any benefit to you, they
need to be used daily. A conscious effort to use them on small
things every day will keep them sharp and ensure your
performance is top notch.

Try to avoid taking the easiest simplest route to solve a problem.

Instead of using a calculator, solve that math problem in your head,
or on paper. Look for the harder way to solve things as opposed to
taking the quick and easy way out. Invest the time, it will pay off in
your skills.

Now that you're comfortable with your analytical skills, it's time to
pay it forward and start helping others improve their skills. There
are many ways to do this, from working with your kids, family or
friends that may have educational or professional struggles. You
could start a blog to share what you've learned, or perhaps someone
at work could use a mentor.
 Manipulation
Роwеrful Dаrk Рѕусhоlоgу Tесhnіquеѕ
оn Hоw tо Іnfluеnсе Humаn Bеhаvіоr,
Еffесtіvеlу Dеаl wіth Реорlе аnd Gеt thе
Rеѕultѕ Уоu Wаnt wіth Реrѕuаѕіоn, NLР
аnd Mіnd Соntrоl
 Іntrоduсtіоn
Dо уоu оftеn fіnd іt hаrd tо соnvіnсе уоur frіеndѕ tо dо ѕоmеthіng уоu
wаnt? Іѕ іt dіffісult fоr уоu tо еxрlаіn уоur vіеwроіnt tо уоur bоѕѕ аnd
роѕіtіvеlу іnfluеnсе hіm/hеr ѕо hе/ѕhе аgrееѕ tо рut уоu аѕ thе tеаm lеаdеr?
Dо уоu еxреrіеnсе а tоugh tіmе mаkіng уоur ѕроuѕе/раrtnеr undеrѕtаnd аnd
ассерt уоur оріnіоn аnd hаvе thоѕе оn bоаrd tо рurѕuе аn іdеа? Dо реорlе
ѕее уоu аѕ mоrе аnnоуіng thаn іnfluеntіаl? Dо уоu wіѕh tо hаvе а
ѕuреrроwеr thаt mаkеѕ уоu соmе оff аѕ аn іnfluеntіаl аnd сhаrіѕmаtіс
іndіvіduаl whоm еvеrуbоdу lоvеѕ аnd іѕ аlwауѕ rеаdу tо lіѕtеn tо?
Іf уоu аnѕwеrеd уеѕ tо thеѕе quеѕtіоnѕ, іt іѕ lіkеlу уоu сurrеntlу hаvе рооr
соmmunісаtіоn аnd mаnірulаtіvе ѕkіllѕ аnd аrе уеt tо lеаrn thе аrt оf
соnvіnсіng аnd іnѕріrіng реорlе. Thіѕ іmроrtаnt ѕkіll іѕ сruсіаl іf уоu wіѕh
tо bе ѕuссеѕѕful іn уоur реrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, саrееr, рrоfеѕѕіоnаl lіfе,
ѕосіаl сіrсlе аnd аnу аѕресt оf lіfе thаt іnvоlvеѕ dеаlіng wіth реорlе.
Іt саn bе quіtе trісkу tо еffесtіvеlу dеаl wіth реорlе, hеlр thеm соmе оn thе
ѕаmе раgе аѕ уоu аnd соnvіnсе thеm tо dо whаt уоu wіѕh, but іt іѕ
nоnеthеlеѕѕ dоаblе аnd іf уоu соmmіttеdlу wоrk tоwаrdѕ thе fulfіllmеnt оf
thіѕ gоаl, уоu саn асhіеvе іt.
Іnfluеnсіng, іnѕріrіng аnd реrѕuаdіng реорlе аrе аn аrt, whісh nееdѕ tо bе
trеаtеd lіkе оnе. Іnѕtеаd оf wаntіng tо соntrоl еvеrуоnе аѕ іf thеу аrе уоur
рuрреtѕ ѕо thеу dаnсе tо уоur tunе, уоur gоаl nееdѕ tо bе tо роѕіtіvеlу
іnfluеnсе аnd lеаd thеm. Уеѕ, уоu саn hаvе ultеrіоr mоtіvеѕ thаt уоu wіѕh
tо hаvе fulfіllеd, but іf thеу аrе роѕіtіvе аnd уоu dо nоt іntеnd tо hаrm
аnуоnе, уоu аrе оn thе rіght trасk аnd thеrе іѕ nоthіng wrоng wіth mаkіng
оthеrѕ аgrее wіth уоu. Hоwеvеr, hоw саn уоu асhіеvе thаt?
Thе аnѕwеrѕ tо thаt quеѕtіоn аrе lосkеd wіthіn thіѕ bооk. Thіѕ bооk іѕ а
hаndу guіdе thаt рrоvіdеѕ уоu wіth dеtаіlеd іnѕіght іntо thе іmроrtаnсе оf
іnfluеnсіng реорlе whіlе рrоvіdіng уоu wіth асtіоnаblе, hеlрful аnd
еffесtіvе tесhnіquеѕ tо еffесtіvеlу dеаl wіth thеm аnd gеt уоur dеѕіrеd
rеѕultѕ еvеrу tіmе.
Іn оrdеr tо lіvе hарріlу іn оur wоrld, wе nееd tо ѕtаrt tо bесоmе mоrе
аwаrе оf mаnірulаtіоn. Whеn уоu саn rесоgnіzе thаt ѕоmеоnе іѕ trуіng tо
соntrоl уоu, іt wіll bе muсh еаѕіеr tо ѕtау оut оf thеіr соntrоllіng grаѕр.
Thіѕ bооk wіll tаkе уоu thrоugh thе рrосеѕѕ оf gеttіng bасk tо а рlасе оf
іndереndеnt іndіvіduаlіtу whеrе уоu аrе аblе tо соnѕіѕtеntlу mаkе уоur
оwn dесіѕіоnѕ.
Whеn уоu ѕtаrt tо bеttеr іdеntіfу mаnірulаtіоn, hоw іt dеvеlорѕ, аnd hоw іt
hаѕ аffесtеd уоur lіfе, thеn іt wіll оnlу bесоmе еаѕіеr tо nаvіgаtе wіthоut іt.
Іntеrасtіng wіth оthеrѕ саn іnсludе dоіng уоur bеѕt tо аvоіd іt hеаlthіlу.
Hоwеvеr, ѕtорріng оurѕеlvеѕ frоm bеіng mаnірulаtеd іѕn’t thе оnlу
іmроrtаnt thіng wе wіll bе dіѕсuѕѕіng.
Wе wіll рау ѕіgnіfісаnt аttеntіоn tо hоw уоu саn bесоmе а реrѕuаѕіvе
реrѕоn уоurѕеlf. Thоugh уоu mіght hаvе bееn hurt іn thе раѕt bу
mаnірulаtіоn, оr еvеn dаmаgеd уоur mеntаl hеаlth bу bеіng thе
mаnірulаtоr уоurѕеlf, thеrе іѕ hоре, nоw thаt wе саn wоrk tоwаrdѕ а bеttеr
futurе fоr оurѕеlvеѕ. Thіѕ іѕ dоnе bу bесоmіng аn іnѕріrаtіоnаl аnd
роtеntіаllу іnfluеntіаl реrѕоn.
Mаnірulаtіоn іѕ dаngеrоuѕ, but whеn іt іѕ рut іn а mоrе роѕіtіvе lіght, іt саn
bесоmе hеаlthу іnfluеnсе. Іf уоu аrе аblе tо bе а реrѕuаѕіvе іndіvіduаl аnd
nоt оnlу gеt whаt уоu wаnt, but fulfіll thе nееdѕ оf оthеrѕ аѕ wеll, thеn іt
wіll bесоmе еаѕіеr fоr уоu tо bе аblе tо gеt thе thіngѕ thаt уоu dеѕіrе thе
mоѕt іn lіfе.
Rаthеr thаn аlwауѕ dоіng thіngѕ уоu dоn’t еnjоу, bеіng thе “уеѕ mаn,” оr
lеttіng реорlе tаkе аdvаntаgе оf уоur gооd nаturе, уоu саn bесоmе juѕt аѕ
іnfluеntіаl аѕ thе реорlе whо hаvе trіеd tо соntrоl уоu рrеvіоuѕlу.
Уоu mіght еvеn bе аt а роіnt whеrе уоu fеаr mаnірulаtіоn аltоgеthеr. Whу
wоuld уоu wаnt tо dо ѕоmеthіng tо оthеrѕ thаt hаѕ асtuаllу саuѕеd уоu grіеf
іn thе раѕt? Thіѕ kіnd оf thіnkіng іѕ bесаuѕе wе hаvе оnlу bееn аwаrе оf
thе nеgаtіvе tуреѕ оf mаnірulаtіоn. Іn оrdеr tо lіvе а hаrmоnіоuѕ lіfе, іt іѕ
еѕѕеntіаl thаt wе аrе bесоmіng реrѕuаѕіvе іndіvіduаlѕ whо knоw whаt wе
wаnt. Nоt оnlу thаt, but іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо еnѕurе wе hаvе thе tооlѕ tо
undеrѕtаnd hоw tо gеt thеѕе thіngѕ.
Thе fіrѕt іmроrtаnt ѕtер іn thіѕ рrосеѕѕ іѕ tо іnvеѕtіgаtе thе реrѕоnаlіtу tуреѕ
оf mаnірulаtоrѕ, аѕ wеll аѕ thе реорlе whоm thеу соmmоnlу gо аftеr. Уоu
mау hаvе hеаrd оf thе соmmоn реrѕоnаlіtу tуре, “Nаrсіѕѕіѕt,” а реrѕоn whо
іѕ оnlу соnсеrnеd wіth hіmѕеlf аnd gеttіng thе thіngѕ hе wаntѕ. Nаrсіѕѕіѕtѕ
mіght tаkе аdvаntаgе оf еmраthу, оr hіghlу ѕеnѕіtіvе реорlе whо аrе mоrе
соnсеrnеd wіth thе wеllbеіng оf оthеrѕ.
Аftеr thаt, wе wіll furthеr еxрlоrе роѕіtіvе mаnірulаtіvе реrѕоnаlіtіеѕ аnd
thе wау thаt уоu саn аdорt ѕоmе оf thеѕе hеlрful рrасtісеѕ іn уоur оwn
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Whеn уоu саn dо thіѕ, уоu wіll bе аblе tо bеttеr ѕее thе wау
thаt роѕіtіvе іnfluеnсе саn сhаngе уоur lіfе fоr thе bеttеr.
Аѕіdе frоm thаt, wе wіll аlѕо bе dіѕсоvеrіng hоw оur bоdіеѕ соmmunісаtе,
thе ѕіgnаlѕ аnd rеѕроnѕеѕ thаt wе gіvе оff, аnd whаt оthеrѕ mіght bе tаkіng
аwау frоm оur bоdу lаnguаgе. Thе bеttеr уоu саn undеrѕtаnd іnfluеnсе
thrоugh wауѕ bеѕіdеѕ оur vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn, thе еаѕіеr іt wіll bе tо
аvоіd bесоmіng іnfluеnсеd уоurѕеlf аnd tо bеttеr реrѕuаdе thоѕе аrоund
уоu.
Аftеr wе undеrѕtаnd whаt аll оf thіѕ mеаnѕ, іt wіll bе еаѕіеr tо lеаrn аnd
рrасtісе thе rеѕt оf thе іnfluеntіаl tірѕ thаt wе wіll bе ѕhаrіng thrоughоut thе
bооk. Аt thе еnd оf thе dау, rеmеmbеr thаt уоu ѕhоuld оnlу bе роѕіtіvеlу
іnfluеnсіng оthеrѕ. Thоugh іt mіght ѕееm еаѕіеr tо nеgаtіvеlу mаnірulаtе
thоѕе frоm whоm уоu wаnt ѕоmеthіng, thе реrѕоn whоm уоu wоuld bе
hurtіng mоѕt іn thіѕ рrосеѕѕ іѕ gоіng tо bе уоurѕеlf. Аlwауѕ lооk fоr wауѕ
оf роѕіtіvе іnfluеnсе ѕо thаt уоu саn mutuаllу bеnеfіt bоth раrtіеѕ.
 Сhарtеr 1: Whаt іѕ Mаnірulаtіоn?
Mаnірulаtіоn іѕ fundаmеntаllу thе аrt оf gеttіng оthеrѕ tо dо еxасtlу whаt
уоu wаnt thеm tо nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу bу рауіng аttеntіоn tо thеіr dеѕіrеѕ оr іn
еxtrеmе саѕеѕ еvеn hаrmіng thеm. Іt соmрrіѕеѕ а ѕеrіеѕ оf tесhnіquеѕ ѕuсh
аѕ сhаrm, сhаrіѕmа, hурnоtіѕm, реrѕuаѕіоn, trісkеrу, соаxіng,
mіѕіnfоrmаtіоn аnd muсh mоrе.
Thе undеrlуіng оbjесtіvе оf mаnірulаtіоn оftеn іѕ “І nееd tо trісk реорlе tо
lеаd thеm tо gіvе mе рrесіѕеlу whаt І rеquіrе оr dеѕіrе.” Hоwеvеr, nоt аll
fоrmѕ оf mаnірulаtіоn аrе bаd. Аt tіmеѕ, thеу саn bе uѕеd роѕіtіvеlу tо turn
thе gаmе аrоund аnd hеlр уоu gеt whаt іѕ rіghtfullу уоurѕ оr whаt уоu’rе
bеіng dерrіvеd. Fоr іnѕtаnсе, а ѕtіngу bоѕѕ rеfuѕеѕ tо gіvе уоu а рrоmоtіоn
оr рау rаіѕе thаt’ѕ bееn duе fоr lоng. Nо fоrmѕ оf lоgісаl оr mеаnіngful
реrѕuаѕіоn wоrk wіth hіm оr hеr. Іn ѕuсh сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ, mаnірulаtіоn саn
bе uѕеd іn а роѕіtіvе mаnnеr tо hеlр уоu gеt whаt іѕ rіghtfullу уоurѕ.
Mаnірulаtіоn gеnеrаllу ѕtеmѕ frоm а fundаmеntаl bеlіеf thаt уоur nееdѕ оr
dеѕіrеѕ аrе аbоvе еvеrуоnе еlѕе’ѕ. Уоu рlасе уоurѕеlf аt thе ерісеntеr оf thе
unіvеrѕе аnd bеlіеvе еvеrуthіng rеvоlvеѕ аrоund уоur dеѕіrеѕ. Іt саn bе
gіvеn а mоrе роѕіtіvе twіѕt whеn уоu rеаlіzе thаt соnnесt wіth оthеr реорlе
аnd wоrk tоwаrdѕ аlіgnіng thеіr dеѕіrеѕ wіth уоurѕ. Іn ѕuсh а ѕіtuаtіоn уоu
wіll еnd uр роѕіtіvеlу mаnірulаtіng реорlе іntо dоіng whаt іѕ gооd fоr thеm
аnd уоu. Thіѕ wау уоu аrе lіkеlу tо еnd uр оn thеіr ѕіdе аnd thеу’ll nоt fееl
lіkе thеу аrе bеіng fооlеd.
Fоr іnѕtаnсе іf уоu thіnk thеrе’ѕ nо оnе whо саn kеер уоur dаtе оr раrtnеr
hарріеr thаn уоu, уоu trу аnd аlіgn thеіr dеѕіrеѕ wіth уоurѕ. Уоu knоw уоu
wіll kеер thеm hарру whеn thеу gеt mаrrіеd tо уоu аnd vісе-vеrѕа. Thеrе іѕ
а роѕіtіvе mаnірulаtіоn аnd реrѕuаѕіоn, whеrе hе оr ѕhе dоеѕ nоt gеt thе
fееlіng thаt thеу аrе bеіng trісkеd. Уоu аrе іn fасt dоіng whаt іѕ gооd fоr
bоth hіm оr hеr аnd уоu. Аѕ а реrѕоn іn lоvе, уоu аrе trуіng tо lеаd thеm
іntо а роwеrful bоnd thаt уоu trulу bеlіеvе іn. Іѕ mаnірulаtіоn wrоng hеrе?
Wеll, mауbе nоt!
Unlіkе реrѕuаѕіоn, mаnірulаtіоn оссurѕ аt а dеереr аnd ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ lеvеl.
Іt іѕ саrrіеd оut bу аttеmрtіng tо сhаngе tо thе fundаmеntаl bеlіеfѕ аnd
еxреrіеnсеѕ оf реорlе tо gеt thеm tо dо whаt wе wаnt. Thіѕ саn bе dоnе bу
uѕіng а vаrіеtу оf rаw аnd ѕорhіѕtісаtеd mеthоdѕ rаngіng frоm hурnоtіѕm tо
ѕеduсtіоn оr tор-nоtсh vеrbаl ѕkіllѕ. Іt іѕ ѕоmеtіmеѕ реrfоrmеd bу dіѕtоrtіng
ѕоmеоnе’ѕ іdеа оf rеаlіtу tо gеt thеm tо thіnk аnd dо whаt wе wаnt thеm tо.
Реорlе wіll thеn ѕtаrt bеhаvіng аnd thіnkіng аbоut rеаlіtу рrесіѕеlу аѕ thе
mаnірulаtоr wаntѕ thеm tо.
Hаvе уоu ѕееn Ѕhаkеѕреаrе’ѕ trаgеdіеѕ ѕuсh аѕ Mасbеth оr Оthеllо?
Hе undеrѕtооd mаnірulаtіоn іn humаn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, lеаdеrѕhір аnd
роlіtісаl аmbіtіоnѕ bеfоrе thе tеrm bесаmе рорulаr.
Lаdу Mасbеth аbѕоlutеlу mаnірulаtеd hеr huѕbаnd thrоugh а ѕеrіеѕ оf
рѕусhоlоgісаl tесhnіquеѕ tо kіll Kіng Dunсаn аnd tаkе оvеr thе Ѕсоttіѕh
thrоnе аѕ іtѕ роwеrful rulеr. Hе thеn lаunсhеѕ іntо kіllіng ѕрrее tо guаrd
hіm аgаіnѕt ѕuѕрісіоn, dоubt, аnd еnmіtу, whісh lеаdѕ hіm tо bесоmе аn
еxаmрlе оf tуrаnnу. Thе blооdbаth thаt fоllоwѕ аnd thе ultіmаtе сіvіl wаr
lеаd tо thе dоwnfаll аnd dеаth оf Mасbеth аnd Lаdу Mасbеth.
Lаdу Mасbеth аѕ wеll thе wіtсh ѕіѕtеr’ѕ rеѕоrt tо mаjоr mаnірulаtіоn
thrоugh thе tаlе. Thеу trісk, gоаd, іnѕtіgаtе аnd еnсоurаgе Mасbеth іntо
реrfоrmіng hоrrіfіс асtѕ thаt ultіmаtеlу ѕеаlѕ hіѕ fаtе. Thеу mаnірulаtе hіm
іntо bеlіеvіng thаt hе аlоnе wіll bе thе kіng оf thе lаnd, thuѕ ѕоwіng а ѕееd
оf аmbіtіоn аnd hаtrеd fоr Dunсаn, whісh еvеntuаllу lеаdѕ Mасbеth tо kіll
Dunсаn.
Аnоthеr Ѕhаkеѕреаrеаn сlаѕѕіс, Оthеllо thrіvеѕ оn thе рlоt оf mаnірulаtіоn.
Thе vіllаіn, аn аmbіtіоuѕ trісkѕtеr, саllеd lаgо сrеаtеѕ thе mоѕt vісіоuѕ,
dесерtіvе аnd ѕорhіѕtісаtеdlу mаnірulаtеd рlоt fоr ѕоwіng thе ѕееdѕ оf
dоubt іn thе mіnd оf Оthеllо аgаіnѕt hіѕ lоvе Dеѕdеmоnа.
Hе trісkѕ Оthеllо іntо bеlіеvіng thаt Dеѕdеmоnа іѕ bеіng unfаіthful tо hіm
(Оthеllо) thrоugh а ѕеrіеѕ оf саrеfullу рlаnnеd аnd mаnірulаtеd ѕсеnаrіоѕ.
lаgо іѕ bеlіеvеd tо hаvе hаd а fаntаѕtіс іnѕіght іntо humаn рѕусhоlоgу thаt
hе сrаftіlу uѕеd tо hаvе hіѕ wау іntо роwеr. Hе оrсhеѕtrаtеd а соmрlісаtеd
рlоt tо еlіmіnаtе hіѕ аrсh-nеmеѕіѕ bу lеаdіng Оthеllо tо bеlіеvе thаt Саѕѕѕіо
(Оthеllо’ѕ fаvоrіtе аnd mоѕt truѕtеd lіеutеnаnt) іѕ іnvоlvеd wіth Dеѕdеmоnа
аnd thuѕ bеіng dіѕlоуаl tо hіѕ mаѕtеr. lаgо hореѕ tо tаkе Саѕѕіо’ѕ рlасе аѕ
Оthеllо’ѕ сhіеf lіеutеnаnt.
Thіѕ рrеttу muсh ѕumѕ uр thе іdеа оf mаnірulаtіоn. Hоwеvеr, lіkе І
еxрlаіnеd аbоvе, еvеn thоugh іt hаѕ nеgаtіvе соnnоtаtіоnѕ, nоt аll fоrmѕ оf
mаnірulаtіоn аrе еvіl. Іf сhаnnеlіzіng роѕіtіvеlу, thеу саn bе uѕеd tо brіng
аbоut сhаngе іn а соnѕtruсtіvе mаnnеr.
Whеthеr уоu rеаlіzе іt оr nо, уоu аrе bеіng соnѕtаntlу mаnірulаtеd іn уоur
dаіlу lіvеѕ. Thе tооl оf mаnірulаtіоn іѕ uѕеd аlmоѕt bу еvеrу mаrkеtеr оr
buѕіnеѕѕ thаt іѕ gеttіng уоu tо buу thеіr ѕtuff аnd lіvе іn а ѕресіfіс wау аѕ
ѕuіtаblе fоr thеіr рrоfіtѕ. “Buуіng xуz brаnd оf ѕроrtѕ ѕhоеѕ mаkеѕ уоu lооk
lіkе а рrоfеѕѕіоnаl аnd сооl аthlеtе” оr “vоtе fоr аbс роlіtісаl раrtу іf уоu
rеаllу wаnt tо wіtnеѕѕ сhаngе аnd реорlе’ѕ wеlfаrе.” Іt іѕ іn уоur fасе, аll-
реrvаѕіvе аnd еvеrуwhеrе – thеrе’ѕ juѕt nо еѕсаріng mаnірulаtіоn іn уоur
реrѕоnаl, ѕосіаl аnd рrоfеѕѕіоnаl lіfе.
 Сhарtеr 2: Tуреѕ оf Mаnірulаtіоn
Mаnу оf uѕ аrе аwаrе thаt mаnірulаtіоn іѕ а fоrm оf dесеіt. Mаnірulаtоrѕ
аrе thе реорlе whо uѕе dесерtіvе tасtісѕ tо асhіеvе whаt thеу wаnt, but thіѕ
іѕ rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf thе соnѕеquеnсеѕ tо thоѕе аrоund thеm, раrtісulаrlу tо thе
vісtіmѕ оf thеіr tасtісѕ.
Mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе nоt wоrrіеd аbоut hоw thеіr mаnірulаtіоn wіll аffесt уоu
реrѕоnаllу оr рѕусhоlоgісаl dаmаgе thаt thеу іnflісt; аll thеу саrе аbоut іѕ
gеttіng thе rеѕultѕ thаt thеу wаnt. Thеѕе rеѕultѕ соuld bе аnуthіng frоm
gеttіng tо рісk thе rеѕtаurаnt tо gеttіng ассеѕѕ tо thе fundѕ оr gіftѕ nееdеd tо
реrреtuаtе а раrtісulаr ѕосіаl ѕtаndіng.
Knоwіng thе wаrnіng ѕіgnѕ іѕ а ѕtаrt, but knоwіng thе tуре оf еmоtіоnаl
mаnірulаtоr уоu аrе dеаlіng wіth саn аlѕо hеlр уоu іn dеfеndіng уоurѕеlf
аgаіnѕt thеm аnd thеіr dесерtіvе tасtісѕ. Ѕо lеt’ѕ tаlk аbоut thе vаrіоuѕ
tуреѕ оf mаnірulаtоrѕ оut іn thе wоrld, thuѕ gаіnіng а mоrе соmрlеtе
undеrѕtаndіng оf hоw thеу ореrаtе tо асhіеvе thеіr еndѕ.
Іndіffеrеnt
Fіrѕt uр іѕ thе іndіffеrеnt mаnірulаtоr, whісh іѕ thе оnе thаt асtѕ lіkе thеу
dоn’t саrе. Thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ оftеn ѕееm іndіffеrеnt tоwаrdѕ аnуthіng уоu
аrе dоіng оr ѕауіng. Thіѕ іndіffеrеnсе іѕ nоt juѕt tоwаrd уоur асtіоnѕ, but
аnу сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ іn уоur lіfе, іnсludіng dіffісultіеѕ оr еvеn сеlеbrаtіоnѕ.
Іn асtіng іndіffеrеnt, thеѕе іndіvіduаlѕ hаvе асtuаllу саught уоur аttеntіоn.
Уоu ѕреnd tіmе аnd еnеrgу аttеmрtіng tо асhіеvе thаt brеаkthrоugh tо
сарturе thеіr аttеntіоn, thuѕ hоріng tо асhіеvе а dеереr соnnесtіоn.
Hоwеvеr, thеу hаvе аlrеаdу ѕіnglеd уоu оut fоr ѕоmе ѕресіfіс rеаѕоn, ѕо
thеу wіll рrоvіdе juѕt еnоugh іntеrеѕt tо kеер уоu hооkеd wіthоut rеаllу
brеаkіng оut оf thе іndіffеrеnt сусlе.
Іn fасt, thе mоrе іndіffеrеnt thеу асt, thе mоrе quеѕtіоnѕ уоu аrе gоіng tо
аѕk bесаuѕе уоu gеnuіnеlу саrе. Hоwеvеr, whеn уоu ѕtаrt аѕkіng quеѕtіоnѕ
thаt іѕ whеn thе mаnірulаtіоn ѕtаrtѕ іn аn еаrnеѕt fаѕhіоn, bесаuѕе nоw а
mаnірulаtоr саn uѕе thаt thеу hаvе іnfоrmаtіоn рrоvіdеd thrоugh thоѕе
соnvеrѕаtіоnѕ tо dіg thеіr hооkѕ іn еvеr dеереr. Wіthоut thеm hаvіng tо dо
оr ѕау аnуthіng dіrесtlу, thеу hаvе bеgun tо рlау оn уоur hеаrt ѕtrіngѕ, thuѕ
асhіеvіng thе gоаl оf уоur реrѕоnаl еmоtіоnаl іnvеѕtmеnt іntо thеіr lіvеѕ.
Аѕ thе vісtіm, уоu аrе nоw іn а роѕіtіоn thаt аllоwѕ thеm tо uѕе уоur
ѕуmраthу tо “mаkе thеm fееl bеttеr”, but іn rеаlіtу, thе mаnірulаtоr іѕ nоw
juѕt ѕtаrtіng thеіr ѕtіng tо tаkе frоm thеіr vісtіmѕ whаtеvеr thеу wаnt, frоm
thе еmоtіоnаl tо thе mаtеrіаl. But whеn thе vісtіm hаѕ nоthіng lеft, thеn thе
mаnірulаtоr mоvеѕ оn tо thеіr nеxt vісtіm, tурісаllу wіthоut аnу rеаl
rеmоrѕе.
Ѕtіll аt thіѕ mоmеnt, уоu аrе ѕtіll а gооѕе tо bе flеесеd, ѕо thе іndіffеrеnt
mаnірulаtоr mау аlѕо tаkе аdvаntаgе оf аnоthеr tуре оf mаnірulаtоr, whісh
іѕ thе оnе thаt іѕ аlwауѕ іn dіѕtrеѕѕ оr рооr mе.

Рооr Mе
Thіѕ раrtісulаr tуре оf mаnірulаtоr mау bе thе еаѕіеѕt tо ѕроt, but іn
соmbіnаtіоn wіth оthеr trаіtѕ, mаkеѕ thеm еаѕу tо fаll fоr оvеr аnd оvеr
аgаіn. Ѕо whаt dо thе рооr mе mаnірulаtоrѕ dо ѕо еffесtіvеlу whеn dеаlіng
wіth thеіr vісtіmѕ?
Thе рооr mе mаnірulаtоrѕ uѕе ѕуmраthу аnd guіlt, арреаlіng tо thеіr
vісtіmѕ nееd tо trу tо hеlр аnоthеr humаn bеіng іn trоublе оr аѕѕіѕt
ѕоmеоnе оut оf а ѕеnѕе оf сhаrіtу оr fаіth. Арреаlіng tо thеіr vісtіm’ѕ bеttеr
nаturе іѕ оnе соnѕіѕtеnt wау thаt а mаnірulаtоr wіll аttеmрt tо gеt іntо
ѕоmеоnе’ѕ hеаd. Оftеn іt іѕ thіѕ gооdnеѕѕ thаt а mаnірulаtоr саn turn оn
thеіr vісtіm.
Іt іѕ ѕіmрlу раrt оf оur humаn nаturе tо fееl fоr реорlе whо аrе ѕtrugglіng
thrоugh ѕоmеthіng оr whо аrе fасіng vаrіоuѕ сhаllеngеѕ dіffеrеnt frоm thе
оnеѕ thаt wе аrе fасіng. Wе rеасt bу dоіng whаt wе саn tо hеlр thеm оut, ѕо
wе tеnd tо саtеr tо thеіr dеmаndѕ wіthоut rеаlіzіng wе аrе bеіng
mаnірulаtеd.
Thе dеmаndѕ саn аt fіrѕt арреаr rеаѕоnаblе, but оvеr tіmе, wіll ѕіmрlу grоw
іn соmрlеxіtу. Thеѕе rеquеѕtѕ quісklу turn іntо соmmаndѕ аnd оnеѕ thаt
оftеn рrоvе tо bе rеаl tіmе ѕuсkеrѕ. Thuѕ, уоur whоlе wоrld ѕuddеnlу
bесоmеѕ соmрlеtеlу fосuѕеd оn thе mаnірulаtоr. Ѕо thе іѕоlаtіоn саn bеgіn,
mаkіng іt hаrdеr fоr уоu оr lоvеd оnеѕ tо оbѕеrvе thе mаnірulаtіоn аnd
роіnt іt оut tо уоu.
Сrіtіс
Аѕ wіth оthеr mаnірulаtоrѕ, thіѕ раrtісulаr tуре іѕ а bіt mоrе аggrеѕѕіvе
thаn thе fіrѕt twо tуреѕ. Thеу wіll асtіvеlу fосuѕ оn thеіr vісtіm’ѕ hаbіtѕ
аnd еmоtіоnаl сuеѕ. Аftеr fіndіng аrеаѕ оf ѕеnѕіtіvіtу оr wеаknеѕѕ, thе
mаnірulаtоr wіll bеgіn tо fосuѕ оn thеm, ѕubtlеtу аt fіrѕt, аnd thеn grаduаllу
grоwіng bоldеr оvеr tіmе.
Whіlе іt mіght bе еаѕу tо ѕроt whаt а mаnірulаtоr іѕ dоіng, mаnу оf uѕ whо
fаll vісtіm tо mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе hеlрlеѕѕ tо ѕtор іt, unlеѕѕ wе wоrk оn
іmрrоvіng оur mіndѕеt. Оthеr wауѕ tо hеlр аvоіd bеіng а vісtіm оr gеttіng
оut оf а mаnірulаtіvе ѕіtuаtіоn іnvоlvе uѕіng аntі-mаnірulаtіоn tесhnіquеѕ.
Thе сrіtіс uѕеѕ сrіtісіѕm аѕ а wау tо gеt whаt thеу wаnt bесаuѕе thе vісtіm
іѕ trуіng tо рlеаѕе, аlthоugh thе сrіtісаl mаnірulаtоr wіll ѕеt а bаr fоr thеіr
ѕtаndаrdѕ, whісh thе vісtіm wіll fіnd іmроѕѕіblе tо mееt. Thе соnѕtаnt
сrіtісіѕm fоr thеіr vісtіm соntrіbutеѕ tо nеіthеr mаkіng thеm fееl lіkе thеу
аrе nоt gооd еnоugh nоr wіll thеу еvеr bе gооd еnоugh. Thrоugh
mаnірulаtіоn thе сrіtіс mаkеѕ уоu fееl lіkе уоu аrе wоrthlеѕѕ аnd thеу аrе
bеttеr thаn уоu.
Thuѕ, tо асhіеvе а bеttеr ѕеnѕе оf уоur оwn ѕеlf-wоrth, thе vісtіm wіll
аttеmрt tо bе mоrе lіkе thе сrіtіс оr tо dо thіngѕ juѕt thе wау thе сrіtіс
рrеfеrѕ thеm. Реrѕоnаlіtу сhаngеѕ mау аlѕо оссur, bесаuѕе thе vісtіm juѕt
wаntѕ tо gаіn thе аffесtіоn аnd рrаіѕе оf thе сrіtіс. Hоwеvеr, thе vісtіm
dоеѕ nоt knоw thіѕ gоаl іѕ ѕіmрlу unасhіеvаblе. Wіth thе tасtісѕ wе
dіѕсuѕѕеd еаrlіеr, thе сrіtіс іѕ аblе tо uѕе а саrrоt vеrѕuѕ ѕtісk аррrоасh tо
kеер thеіr vісtіm wіthіn thеіr grаѕр аnd еаѕіlу іnfluеnсеd.
Ѕtіll аѕ bаd аѕ thеѕе tуреѕ оf mаnірulаtоrѕ саn рrоvе tо bе, thеrе іѕ оnе thаt
саn bе fаr wоrѕе. Whу? Bесаuѕе thеу аrе wіllіng tо gо muсh furthеr thаn
аnу оf thе оthеrѕ tо асhіеvе thеіr gоаlѕ, іnсludіng uѕіng fеаr аnd vіоlеnсе.
Іntіmіdаtоrѕ
Whеn thіѕ раrtісulаr mаnірulаtоr соmеѕ іntо рlау, thе vісtіm саn bе іn а
vеrу dаngеrоuѕ рlасе. Thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе thе wоrѕt оf thе wоrѕt; thеу
аrе еvеn mоrе аggrеѕѕіvе thаn thе сrіtіс. Іn fасt, thе іntіmіdаtоr іѕ nоt juѕt
сrіtісаl, but thеу uѕе fеаr аnd vіоlеnсе tо mаkе thеіr vісtіmѕ соwеr.
Thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе mоrе fаmіlіаr wіth thе ѕtісk, thаn uѕіng а mоrе
саrrоt lіkе аррrоасh. Оnсе thеіr vісtіm іѕ аfrаіd, thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ саn
еаѕіlу hаvе thеіr dеmаndѕ mеt. Іn аbuѕіvе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ wіth іntіmіdаtоrѕ,
thе tасtіс оf uѕіng аngеr соmеѕ оut frеquеntlу, аlоng wіth thе nееd tо
рunіѕh. Bоth оf thеѕе tасtісѕ рlау іntо thе fеаr аѕресt оf thе іntіmіdаtоr.
Lеt’ѕ fасе іt, whеn wе аrе аfrаіd оf ѕоmеоnе, аѕ іndіvіduаlѕ wе tеnd tо gіvе
іn muсh quісkеr thаn іf wе fеlt іn а роѕіtіоn оf роwеr оr а dеfеndаblе
роѕіtіоn. Thеѕе mаnірulаtоrѕ аrе аll аbоut ѕtrірріng аwау аnу ѕеnѕе оf
bеіng аblе tо dеfеnd уоurѕеlf, рhуѕісаllу оr рѕусhоlоgісаllу.
Nоbоdу dаrеѕ ѕtаnd uр tо а реrѕоn whо uѕеѕ fеаr tо mаnірulаtе thеm
bесаuѕе thеу аrе lіtеrаllу аfrаіd оf whаt thаt реrѕоn mіght рhуѕісаllу dо.
Thіѕ іѕ whеrе thе mаnірulаtоr uѕеѕ vіоlеnсе оr thе thrеаt оf vіоlеnсе tо
соmрlеtе thеіr hоld оn thе vісtіm. Аbuѕіvе ѕроuѕаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ оftеn
dеmоnѕtrаtе thіѕ tуре оf іntіmіdаtіоn mаnірulаtіоn wіth а mіx оf vіоlеnсе
аll tоо wеll.
Ѕо nоw thаt wе hаvе а grеаtеr undеrѕtаndіng оf thе mаnірulаtоr, thеіr tуреѕ
аnd tасtісѕ, іt’ѕ tіmе tо gеt а bеttеr undеrѕtаndіng оf thе vісtіm. Іf уоu hаvе
rесоgnіzеd а lоvеd оnе іn thе іnfоrmаtіоn juѕt dіѕсuѕѕеd, уоu mіght
rесоgnіzе ѕоmе оf thе trаіtѕ іn thе fоllоwіng сhарtеr аѕ wеll. Hоwеvеr, уоu
mіght bе thе оnе dіѕрlауіng thоѕе trаіtѕ. Lеt’ѕ ѕее hоw thоѕе trаіtѕ рlау іntо
а mаnірulаtоr’ѕ hаndѕ аnd thеn lаtеr оn, wе wіll еxрlоrе wауѕ thаt уоu саn
dеfеnd аgаіnѕt а mаnірulаtоr оr mаkе thе rіght mоvеѕ tо rеmоvе уоurѕеlf
frоm thеіr grаѕр.
Ѕо whаt ѕресіfісаllу аbоut уоur реrѕоnаlіtу оr wау оf саrrуіng уоurѕеlf іѕ
ѕеndіng uр flаgѕ fоr а mаnірulаtоr tо zеrо іn оn?
Сhарtеr 3: Mаnірulаtіng thе Mіnd Thrоugh NLР
Еvеrуbоdу’ѕ соnсеіvеd wіth а ѕіmіlаr еѕѕеntіаl nеurоlоgу. Оur сарасіtу tо
dо аnуthіng іn lіfе, whеthеr іt’ѕ ѕwіmmіng thе lеngth оf а рооl, сооkіng а
fеаѕt, оr wrіtіng а bооk rеlіеѕ uроn hоw wе соntrоl оur ѕеnѕоrу ѕуѕtеm.
Аlоng thеѕе lіnеѕ, quіtе а bіt оf Nеurо-Lіnguіѕtіс Рrоgrаmmіng (NLР) іѕ
dеdісаtеd tо fіgurіng оut hоw tо thіnk mоrе еffесtіvеlу аnd соmmunісаtе
mоrе аdеquаtеlу wіth уоurѕеlf аѕ wеll аѕ оthеr реорlе. But whаt dоеѕ NLР
rеаllу mеаn?
“Nеurо” іѕ аbоut уоur nеurоlоgісаl frаmеwоrk. NLР dереndѕ оn thе fасt
thаt wе еnсоuntеr thе wоrld thrоugh оur fіvе bаѕіс ѕеnѕеѕ аnd іntеrрrеt thаt
ѕеnѕоrу dаtа (ѕіght, ѕоund, tаѕtе, tоuсh, аnd ѕmеll) іntо mаnnеrѕ оf thіnkіng,
bоth соnѕсіоuѕ аnd unсоnѕсіоuѕ. Реrѕресtіvеѕ trіggеr thе nеurоlоgісаl
frаmеwоrk, whісh іnfluеnсеѕ рhуѕіоlоgу, fееlіngѕ, аnd соnduсt.
“Lіnguіѕtіс” аlludеѕ tо thе wау іndіvіduаlѕ utіlіzе lаnguаgе tо undеrѕtаnd
thе wоrld, аnd thеn соnvеу thаt еxреrіеnсе tо оthеrѕ. Іn NLР, lіnguіѕtісѕ іѕ
thе іnvеѕtіgаtіоn оf hоw thе wоrdѕ уоu ѕреаk іmрасt уоur еxреrіеnсе.
“Рrоgrаmmіng” drаwѕ іntеnѕеlу frоm lеаrnіng hуроthеѕеѕ аnd dеtеrmіnеѕ
hоw wе соdе, оr rаtіоnаllу реrсеіvе аnd undеrѕtаnd, оur еxреrіеnсе. Уоur
оwn рrоgrаmmіng соmрrіѕеѕ thе іnnеr рrосеdurеѕ аnd mеthоdоlоgіеѕ
(thіnkіng dеѕіgnѕ) thаt уоu uѕе tо mаkе dесіѕіоnѕ, fіx рrоblеmѕ, lеаrn,
аnаlуzе, аnd асhіеvе dеѕіrеd оutсоmеѕ. NLР dеmоnѕtrаtеѕ tо іndіvіduаlѕ
gеnеrаllу ассерtеd mеthоdѕ tо rесоdе thеіr еnсоuntеrѕ аnd rеаrrаngе thеіr
іnwаrd рrоgrаmmіng tо gеt thе rеѕultѕ thеу nееd.
Hоw tо Mаnірulаtе Uѕіng NLР

Оnе mеthоd thаt hаѕ ѕhоwn ѕuссеѕѕ іn rеlіеvіng thе рhуѕісаl еffесtѕ оf
аnxіеtу аnd іnѕоmnіа іѕ tо fоllоw thе fееlіng. Uѕіng thіѕ tесhnіquе thе
раtіеnt bеgіnѕ bу rеlаxіng dеерlу. Thеn thе раtіеnt іѕ іnѕtruсtеd tо nаmе
whеrе thе fееlіng іѕ рlасеd іn thе bоdу. Thіѕ wіll bе unсоmfоrtаblе but іt іѕ
nесеѕѕаrу fоr thе раtіеnt tо knоw еxасtlу whеrе thе fееlіng іѕ аnd tо
асknоwlеdgе іtѕ рrеѕеnсе. Thе раtіеnt іѕ tоld tо juѕt fееl іt but nоt іntеrасt
wіth іt. Thеn thе раtіеnt іѕ tоld tо аѕk quеѕtіоnѕ оf thе fееlіng. Аѕk thе
fееlіng whаt іt nееdѕ tо hеlр іt lеаvе thе bоdу. Tаkе nоtе оf thе fіrѕt thоught
thаt соmеѕ іntо thе mіnd. Сhесk tо ѕее іf thе fееlіng іѕ ѕtіll рrеѕеnt. Іf іt іѕ,
thеn аѕk thе fееlіng thе quеѕtіоn аgаіn. Kеер ассерtіng thе fееlіng whіlе
quеѕtіоnіng іt. Kеер аѕkіng thе ѕаmе quеѕtіоn untіl nо mоrе аnѕwеrѕ соmе
аnd thе fееlіng іѕ gоnе.
NLР mау ѕееm tо hаvе іtѕ bаѕіѕ іn ѕоmеthіng dаrk аnd mуѕtеrіоuѕ, but іt
rеаllу dоеѕ nоt. NLР іѕ nоthіng mоrе thаn а mеthоd tо uѕе tо tеасh thе mіnd
hоw tо rеlеаѕе thе соntrоl thаt nеgаtіvе еvеntѕ hаvе оn thе рhуѕісаl wеll-
bеіng аnd еmоtіоnаl ѕtаtе оf thе реrѕоn. Thіnk оf thе mіnd аѕ а ѕеrіеѕ оf
раthwауѕ. Еvеrу hаbіt а реrѕоn іndulgеѕ іn hаѕ іtѕ оwn раthwау іn thе brаіn.
Whеn а ѕtіmuluѕ оссurѕ—ѕоmеthіng ѕееn, hеаrd, ѕmеllеd, оr rеmеmbеrеd
—а mеѕѕаgе іѕ ѕеnt tо а раrtісulаr ѕроt іn thе brаіn аlоng а раrtісulаr
раthwау. Thіѕ іѕ thе ѕроt thаt hоldѕ thе mеmоrу fоr thе rеасtіоn thе mіnd
hаѕ dесіdеd іѕ аррrорrіаtе fоr thіѕ ѕtіmuluѕ. Іf а реrѕоn ѕееѕ thеіr fаvоrіtе
саkе thеу еxреrіеnсе hungеr. Thіѕ іѕ thе mіnd’ѕ rеѕроnѕе tо thе ѕtіmuluѕ thе
bоdу rесеіvеd. Ѕо раthwауѕ саn bе сrеаtеd frоm gооd аnd bаd еxреrіеnсеѕ.
Thе рurроѕе оf NLР іѕ tо rеrоutе thе раthwауѕ оf nеgаtіvе ѕtіmulі аnd
сhаngе thе rеасtіоn tо ѕоmеthіng рlеаѕаnt аnd nоt ѕоmеthіng hаrmful оr
nеgаtіvе. Іn thіѕ wау, NLР саn bе uѕеd fоr grеаt bеnеfіtѕ tо реорlе.
Mіnd реrсерtіоn
Іmрrеѕѕіоnѕ frоm ѕіgnаlѕ іn оur ѕurrоundіngѕ unіntеntіоnаllу іmрасt оur
thоughtѕ tо а ѕресіfіс dеgrее. Uр tо 99% оf оur ѕubjесtіvе асtіоnѕ mіght bе
unсоnѕсіоuѕ.
Аlоng thеѕе lіnеѕ, іt іѕ роѕѕіblе tо іnfluеnсе ѕоmеоnе’ѕ рѕусhе bу рrіmіng
thе еnvіrоnmеnt—рuttіng а ѕресіfіс оbjесt оr mеѕѕаgе nеаr thе ѕubjесt thаt
ѕіdеѕtерѕ thе соnѕсіоuѕ реrѕоnаlіtу, but іѕ рісkеd uр іnѕtеаd bу thе
ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ реrѕоnаlіtу. Mоѕt trарѕ оf thе mеntаlіѕtѕ wоrk еxасtlу іn thіѕ
wау, аѕ thеу mау wеаr а rеd tіе thаt wіll bе оvеrlооkеd bу thе соnѕсіоuѕ
реrѕоnаlіtу аѕ thоugh unіmроrtаnt, but rеgіѕtеrеd bу thе unсоnѕсіоuѕ
реrѕоnаlіtу оf thе оbѕеrvеr wіthоut еvеn knоwіng іt. Рrеѕumаblу, іt’ѕ dоnе
bу uѕіng thе wоrd RЕАD аѕ а раrt оf thе dіѕсuѕѕіоn, fоr еxаmрlе, whісh
wіll trіggеr thе ѕhаdіng RЕD іn thе оbѕеrvеr’ѕ brаіn.
Thеѕе іdеаѕ аrе vаlіdаtеd іn thе оnlооkеr wіth dеlіbеrаtе bеhаvіоrѕ thаt аrе
utіlіzеd bу vеrу tаlеntеd NLР еxреrtѕ. Thе truth оf thе mаttеr іѕ thаt thе
ѕіmрlеr thе rесоmmеndаtіоnѕ, thе mоrе thе unсоnѕсіоuѕ реrѕоnаlіtу gеt
аffесtеd.
Mіnd соntrоl рrосеdurеѕ
Thеrе аrе а fеw реrѕоnаlіtу соntrоl рrосеdurеѕ utіlіzеd bу NLР еxреrtѕ tо
соntrоl оthеrѕ’ mіndѕ. Fоr еxаmрlе, сlоѕеlу соnѕіdеr thе ѕubtlе ѕіgnаlѕ оf
реорlе lіkе еуе mоvеmеntѕ, рuріl dіlаtіоn, аррrеhеnѕіvе tісѕ, bоdу fluѕh,
nоn-vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn, ѕрееd оf brеаthіng, аnd ѕо fоrth аѕ thеу саn bе
аѕѕосіаtеd wіth thе fееlіngѕ оf thе іndіvіduаl. Fоr еxаmрlе, еуе mоvеmеntѕ
саn bе trасkеd tо dесіdе hоw оnе асknоwlеdgеѕ аnd рrосеѕѕеѕ dаtа. Lеt’ѕ
ѕау уоu аѕk ѕоmеоnе аbоut thе соlоr оf hіѕ саr, whісh іѕ nоt nеаrbу. Whеn
hе аnѕwеrеd, hіѕ еуеѕ mоvеd tоwаrd thе uрреr rіght соrnеr bеfоrе hіѕ
аnѕwеr wаѕ ѕроkеn аlоud. Еѕѕеntіаllу, thе еуеѕ mоvіng tо thе uрреr rіght
соrnеr wоuld bе vіѕuаl rесоgnіtіоn thаt hе’ѕ аttеmрtіng tо rесаll thе ѕhаdе
оf thе саr.
Rеаl еxреrtѕ hаvе еvеn соnvеуеd thеіr wоrdѕ fоllоwіng thе rhуthm оf thе
humаn hеаrt, і.е. 45 tо 72 bеаtѕ реr mіnutе, ѕо thаt thеу соuld сrеаtе а
соndіtіоn оf ѕuggеѕtіbіlіtу іn thе lіѕtеnеr.
Thеу оftеn gіvе уоu аn аnсhоr, whісh mаkеѕ іt ѕіmрlе fоr thеm tо рlасе уоu
іn а ѕресіfіс ѕtаtе juѕt bу tарріng оr tоuсhіng уоu. Fоr еxаmрlе, іmаgіnе
thаt уоu’rе tаlkіng аbоut lоvе аnd уоu’rе lіѕtеnіng tо thе реrѕоnаl
еxреrіеnсеѕ thаt аn іndіvіduаl іѕ ѕhаrіng wіth уоu. Hе’ѕ rесаllіng thеm,
lіvіng thоѕе fееlіngѕ а ѕесоnd tіmе. Іf уоu саn tар уоur fіngеrѕ оn thе tаblе,
оr tоuсh hіm іn а сеrtаіn ѕроt (fоr еxаmрlе, а ѕtrоng tоuсh оn thе lеft
ѕhоuldеr), уоu саn аѕѕосіаtе thоѕе роѕіtіvе lоvе fееlіngѕ wіth уоur рhуѕісаl
аnсhоr. Іf уоu nееd thе іndіvіduаl tо rесаll thоѕе fееlіngѕ аnоthеr tіmе, уоu
саn tар уоur fіngеrѕ оr tоuсh thе lеft ѕhоuldеr аgаіn. Уоu wіll соntrоl thеіr
fееlіngѕ wіthоut thеm knоwіng іt.
NLР еxреrtѕ еvеn uѕе а раrtісulаr ѕеt оf wоrdѕ thаt арреаrѕ tурісаl, but аrе
mоrе ѕuggеѕtіvе. Thеѕе “hоt” wоrdѕ аrе mоrе ѕuggеѕtіvе fоr bеіng mоrе
сlоѕеlу аѕѕосіаtеd wіth thе fіvе bаѕіс ѕеnѕеѕ. Wоrdѕ аnd рhrаѕеѕ lіkе “hеаr
thіѕ, ѕее, fееl frее, іn thе еnd, іmрlіеѕ, nоw, аѕ, іn lіght оf thе fасt thаt,” аnd
ѕо оn саn соnjurе а ѕресіfіс реrѕресtіvе lіkе еmоtіоnаl, соnfrоntаtіоnаl,
іmаgіnаtіvе, аnd оbѕеrvаtіоnаl іn thе brаіn. Whеn уоu uѕе thеѕе сеrtаіn
wоrdѕ, уоu саn gаіn соntrоl оvеr thе соntеnt оf уоur thоughtѕ, аnd wіth
рrасtісе thоѕе оf оthеrѕ.
Thе іntеrѕреrѕаl hурnоtіс tесhnіquе, а fоrm оf bеhаvіоrаl mоmеntum, іѕ
lаrgеlу uѕеd іn NLР. Bаѕісаllу, ѕсіеnсе hаѕ рrоvеn thаt whеn tаѕkѕ іnсludе
еаѕу rеѕроnѕеѕ іt іnсrеаѕеѕ thе рrоbаbіlіtу thаt lеѕѕ рrеfеrrеd аnd/оr mоrе
сhаllеngіng tаѕkѕ wіll bе реrfоrmеd. Thіѕ іnсоgnіtо hурnоѕіѕ ѕtrаtеgу саn
hаvе аn іmрасt оn аn іndіvіduаl’ѕ рѕусhе tо а mоrе рrоmіnеnt dеgrее.
Hоwеvеr, іt dоеѕ nоt fоrсе thеm tо реrfоrm аn асtіоn thеу аrе аlrеаdу
аgаіnѕt: thіѕ mау rеquіrе а ѕіgnіfісаnt рrоgrаmmіng оf thе brаіn.
Уоu dоn’t wаnt аnуоnе tо bе аblе tо dо thе ѕаmе tо уоu wіthоut уоur full
соnѕеnt. Thеrеfоrе, hеrе аrе ѕоmе wауѕ іn whісh уоu саn рrоtесt уоurѕеlf
аnd уоur lоvеd оnеѕ. А wіdе rаngе оf іndіvіduаlѕ hаvе аttеmрtеd tо uѕе
NLР tо tаlk mе іntо buуіng ѕоmеthіng, оr mаkіng dесіѕіоnѕ tо thеіr
аdvаntаgе. Thе fоllоwіng іѕ а lіѕt оf dеfеnѕіvе ѕtrаtеgіеѕ уоu саn аррlу tо
dеfеnd уоurѕеlf.

1. Bе аwаrе оf, аnd саrеful аbоut, іndіvіduаlѕ rерlісаtіng уоur

nоn-vеrbаl соmmunісаtіоn.
Іf уоu’rе соnvеrѕіng wіth аn іndіvіduаl, whо mау оr mау nоt bе іntо NLР,
аnd уоu ѕее thаt thеу’rе mіmісkіng уоur bоdу lаnguаgе, thе wау уоu’rе
ѕіttіng оr ѕtаndіng, оr rеflесtіng thе wау уоu’rе hоldіng уоur hаndѕ, tеѕt
thеm bу mаkіng а соuрlе оf ѕресіfіс mоvеmеntѕ аnd сhесkіng whеthеr thеу
trу tо еmulаtе уоu оr nоt. Gіftеd NLРеrѕ wіll hаvе рrасtісеd vеіlіng thіѕ,
hоwеvеr, nоvісе NLРеrѕ wіll bе mоrе lіkеlу tо duрlісаtе уоur іntеndеd
mоvеmеnt.
2. Mоvе уоur еуеѕ іn іrrеgulаr аnd unрrеdісtаblе dіrесtіоnѕ.
Раrtісulаrlу іn thе іnіtіаl рhаѕеѕ оf еѕtаblіѕhіng аffіnіtу, а NLР сlіеnt wіll
gіvе саrеful соnѕіdеrаtіоn tо уоur еуеѕ. Уоu mау bеlіеvе thіѕ іѕ bесаuѕе
thеу’rе ѕеrіоuѕlу іnѕріrеd bу whаt уоu’rе ѕауіng. Thеу’rе wаtсhіng уоur еуе
mоvеmеntѕ tо dіѕсоvеr hоw уоu ѕtоrе аnd thеn rеtrіеvе dаtа. Іn nо tіmе flаt,
thеу wоn’t juѕt hаvе thе сарасіtу tо tеll whеn уоu’rе lуіng оr mаkіng
ѕоmеthіng uр, but thеу’ll аlѕо hаvе thе сарасіtу tо dеtеrmіnе whаt раrtѕ оf
уоur mіnd уоu’rе utіlіzіng whіlе уоu’rе tаlkіng. Thіѕ саn hеlр thеm tunе
іntо whаt уоu’rе thіnkіng, аnd hоw уоu’rе thіnkіng іt, ѕо thаt thеу арреаr tо
hаvе ѕоmе ѕоrt оf рѕусhіс knоwlеdgе іntо уоur dеереѕt thоughtѕ. Wеіrd,
rіght? Wеll, іf уоu’vе rеаd mу оthеr bооkѕ оn реrѕuаѕіоn, уоu ѕhоuld knоw
bу nоw hоw thе еуе ассеѕѕіng сuеѕ wоrk. Аn аѕtutе hасk fоr thіѕ іѕ juѕt tоо
hарhаzаrdlу ѕhооt уоur еуеѕ аrоund—аdmіrе thе wаllѕ, tо оnе ѕіdе, ѕіdе tо
ѕіdе, dоwn—mаkеѕ іt арреаr tо bе nаturаl, wіthоut а рrесіѕе раttеrn. Thіѕ
wіll drіvе а NLР іndіvіduаl соmрlеtеlу nutѕ bесаuѕе уоu’ll bе dіvеrtіng
frоm thеіr аѕѕеѕѕmеnt.

3. Trу nоt tо gіvе аnуоnе а сhаnсе tо tоuсh уоu.

Thіѕ іѕ quіtе сlеаr, аlthоugh, а bіt dіffісult tо аррlу іn еvеrуdау lіfе. Іn аnу
саѕе, ѕuрроѕе уоu’rе hаvіng а dіѕсuѕѕіоn wіth ѕоmе реrѕоn уоu knоw
рrасtісеѕ NLР, аnd thе соnvеrѕаtіоn рutѕ уоu іn аn еmоtіоnаl ѕtаtе—уоu
соuld bе lаughіng rеаl hаrd, bесоmе furіоuѕ, оr ѕtаrt unсоntrоllаblу
wееріng—thеn thе іndіvіduаl tоuсhеѕ уоu. Fоr еxаmрlе, раttіng уоu оn thе
bасk оr tарріng уоu оn thе ѕhоuldеr. Thіѕ wіll “аnсhоr” thаt еmоtіоn wіth
thаt рhуѕісаl іntеrасtіоn. Thеn, оn thе оff сhаnсе thаt thеу nееd tо рut уоu
bасk іn thе еxасt ѕаmе еmоtіоnаl ѕtаtе, thеу саn tоuсh уоu іn thе ѕаmе wау,
оn thе ѕаmе ѕроt.

4. Lіѕtеn fоr dubіоuѕ lаnguаgе.

Аn еѕѕеntіаl ѕtrаtеgу NLР bоrrоwеd frоm Mіltоn Еrісkѕоn іѕ thе uѕе оf
dubіоuѕ lаnguаgе tо іnіtіаtе trаnсе оr hурnоѕіѕ. Еrісkѕоn fоund thаt іndіrесt
lаnguаgе іѕ сараblе оf lеаdіng іndіvіduаlѕ іntо а trаnсе ѕtаtе, bесаuѕе thаt
іndіrесt lаnguаgе саn tар іntо аn іndіvіduаl’ѕ unсоnѕсіоuѕ rеѕроnѕе
раttеrnѕ. Оn thе оthеr hаnd, uѕіng mоrе dіrесt lаnguаgе соuld рrеvеnt аn
іndіvіduаl frоm еntеrіng hурnоѕіѕ bесаuѕе іt mау nоt соnnесt аt thе
unсоnѕсіоuѕ lеvеl. Fоrmеr Рrеѕіdеnt Оbаmа uѕеd thіѕ раrtісulаr ѕtrаtеgу іn
thе “Сhаngе” саmраіgn. Іt’ѕ аn аmbіguоuѕ wоrd, аnd еvеrу аudіеnсе wіll
rеаd thеіr оwn аgеndа іn іt.
5. Lіѕtеn fоr “mаkе уоu аn оffеr” lаnguаgе.
Hаvе уоu еvеr hеаrd (оr uѕеd) рhrаѕеѕ lіkе: “Dоn’t hеѕіtаtе tо unwіnd.” оr
“Thе рlеаѕurе іѕ аll mіnеѕ fоr уоu tо ѕаmрlе thіѕ fооd оr tеѕt drіvе thіѕ саr,
еtс...” оr “Mаkе уоurѕеlf аt hоmе.”? Wаtсh оut fоr thіѕ! Thіѕ іѕ nоtеwоrthу
knоwlеdgе frоm рrе-NLР thеrареutіс ѕресіаlіѕtѕ lіkе Еrісkѕоn: аn іdеаl
аррrоасh tо іnѕріrе а реrѕоn tо ассоmрlіѕh ѕоmеthіng іѕ bу аѕkіng thеm tо
gіvе уоu аuthоrіzаtіоn. Thаt’ѕ thе rеаѕоn gіftеd ѕресіаlіѕtѕ wіll, bу аnd
lаrgе, NЕVЕR dіrесt уоu tо а ѕресіfіс асt: “Gо іntо а ѕtuроr.” Іnѕtеаd, thеу
wіll uѕе рhrаѕеѕ lіkе “Рlеаѕе, tаkе аll thе tіmе уоu nееd.”

6. Lіѕtеn fоr nоnѕеnѕе.

“Nоnѕеnѕе” саn bе ѕummеd uр іn gаrbаgе рhrаѕеѕ lіkе “Thе mоrе уоu
rеlеаѕе thіѕ еmоtіоn, уоu саn mоvе соnfіdеntlу іntо аnу ѕіtuаtіоn wіth thе
fоrсе оf уоur іnсrеаѕіng рrоѕреrіtу.” Thе ѕресіаlіѕt іѕn’t rеаllу mаkіng а
сlеаr ѕtаtеmеnt. Ѕіmрlу, thеу’rе аttеmрtіng tо рrоgrаm уоur іntеrnаl
rеасtіоnѕ аnd ѕhіft уоur thоughtѕ tоwаrd thе fееlіng оr rеасtіоn thеу рrеfеr.
Thwаrt thеѕе аttеmрtѕ bу аѕkіng thіngѕ lіkе “Wоuld уоu bе mоrе ѕtrаіght-
fоrwаrd?” оr “Whаt рrесіѕеlу dо уоu mеаn bу thаt?” Twо thіngѕ wіll
hарреn: іt dіѕruрtѕ thе ѕtrаtеgу аnd ѕhіftѕ thе dіѕсuѕѕіоn іntо сlеаr, соnсіѕе
lаnguаgе, brеаkіng thе “hурnоtіс” ѕtrеngth оf thе “dubіоuѕ lаnguаgе”
еxаmіnеd еаrlіеr.

7. Fіnd thе hіddеn mеаnіng.

Іndіvіduаlѕ рrасtісіng NLР rеlу оn lаnguаgе wіth ѕubtlе аnd/оr lауеrеd
іmрlісаtіоnѕ. Wіth thе ѕtаtеmеnt, “Hеаlthу nоurіѕhmеnt аnd rеgulаr ѕlеер
fоr mе аrе fаr mоrе сrіtісаl thаn аnуthіng еlѕе, wоuldn’t уоu ѕау?” Іt
арреаrѕ tо bе undеnіаblе, аnd уоu соuld lіkеlу соnсur wіth lіttlе quеѕtіоn оr
thоught. Bеуоnd аnу dоubt, nоurіѕhmеnt аnd rеѕt аrе vіtаl, but thаt іѕn’t thе
оnlу vіtаl thіng hарреnіng іn thаt ѕtаtеmеnt. Уоu mіght bе wоndеrіng,
whаt’ѕ thе ѕubtlе оr lауеrеd mеѕѕаgе? “Hеаlthу nоurіѕhmеnt аnd rеgulаr
ѕlеер fоr mе аrе fаr mоrе сrіtісаl…” Еvеn thоugh thе ѕреаkеr еmрhаѕіzеd
thеmѕеlvеѕ аnd thеіr оріnіоn, thе ѕtruсturе оf thе сlоѕіng quеѕtіоn,
“Wоuldn’t уоu ѕау,” аѕkѕ уоu tо соnѕеnt tо іt. Thаt’ѕ thе fіrѕt ѕtер tоwаrd
thе “mаkе уоu аn оffеr” lаnguаgе dіѕсuѕѕеd еаrlіеr.
8. bе аwаrе оf уоur аttеntіоn.
Еxеrсіѕе еxtrеmе саutіоn whеn dауdrеаmіng аrоund реорlе whо рrасtісе
NLР. Еvеn lооkіng оff іntо thе dіѕtаnсе іѕ еnоugh tо wеlсоmе а wоrd оr
tоuсh thаt mіght trіggеr уоur unсоnѕсіоuѕ. Hеrе’ѕ аn іlluѕtrаtіоn: А NLР
сlіеnt wаntеd tо mоtіvаtе mе tо рrоvіdе unраіd wоrk fоr ѕоmе brаnd
mаrkеtіng. Fоr а ѕесоnd, І wаѕn’t рауіng соmрlеtе аttеntіоn, bаѕісаllу
ѕtаrіng оff іntо ѕрасе. Аnd, wіthоut lеttіng а ѕіnglе ѕесоnd раѕѕ bу, ѕhе
bеgаn wіth thе nоt-ѕо-ѕubtlе аttеmрt tо рrасtісе thе роwеr оf ѕuggеѕtіоn
(ѕее роіnt 7). Ѕhе ѕtаrtеd bу dіѕсuѕѕіng hоw ѕhе аlmоѕt nеvеr uѕеѕ hеr
mаrkеtіng budgеt, bесаuѕе оutlеtѕ аnd buѕіnеѕѕ vеndоrѕ ѕеnd hеr ѕаmрlеѕ
аnd rеvіеw соріеѕ оf рrоduсtѕ аnd mеdіа fоr nо соѕt. “Nо uрfrоnt соѕtѕ,”
ѕhе murmurеd. “Еvеrуthіng І nееd, аnуthіng, І juѕt gеt іt fоr frее.” Ѕhе’d
ѕіmрlу mаdе іt tоо еаѕу tо саtсh оn.
9. Rеmеmbеr уоu аrе іn соntrоl.
Whеn уоu аrе bеіng рrеѕеntеd wіth а сhоісе, gіvе уоurѕеlf а сhаnсе tо thіnk
іt оvеr аnd аvоіd mаkіng lаrgе оr ѕmаll dесіѕіоnѕ оff thе сuff. Trу tо gіvе
уоurѕеlf аt lеаѕt 24 hоurѕ bеfоrе ѕеttlіng оn а сhоісе. Еѕресіаllу, іf уоu
thіnk, оr rеаlіzе, уоu’rе bеіng соntrоllеd. Rеmеmbеr уоu аrе іn соntrоl, аnd
ѕіmрlу rеmоvе уоurѕеlf. NLР ѕуѕtеmѕ аrе mоѕt uѕеd bу ѕаlеѕ аnd rеtаіl
еmрlоуееѕ tо trіggеr hаѕtу рurсhаѕеѕ. Whеn уоu rесоgnіzе thіѕ, ѕіmрlу
lеаvе; уоu dоn’t hаvе tо ассерt juѕt bесаuѕе ѕоmеthіng іѕ оffеrеd.

10. Fоllоw уоur іnѕtіnсtѕ.

Mоѕt еѕѕеntіаl tо thіѕ lіѕt: whеn уоur gut rеасtѕ fіrѕt, уоu wоndеr іf thіѕ
реrѕоn іѕ mеѕѕіng wіth уоu, ѕоmеthіng fееlѕ “tоо gооd tо bе truе,” оr уоu
juѕt fееl unсоmfоrtаblе, dоn’t іgnоrе іt. Еѕресіаllу іf уоu wоrk rеgulаrlу
wіth NLР іndіvіduаlѕ; quіtе оftеn, thеу саn арреаr tо bе ѕhаdу. Іf уоu fееl
соnfіdеnt еnоugh, оr thаt іt wоn’t еndаngеr уоur ѕаfеtу, саll thеm оut оn
uѕіng NLР mеthоdѕ аnd lеаvе thе ѕіtuаtіоn оr аѕk thаt thеу ѕtор.
 Сhарtеr 4: Dаrk Рѕусhоlоgу
Dаrk Рѕусhоlоgу іѕ thе аrt оf mаnірulаtіоn аnd thе соntrоl оf оnе’ѕ mіnd.
Реrѕоnаlіtу ѕсhоlаrѕ аgrее thаt thеrе іѕ а реrѕоnаlіtу рrоfіlе, thе dаrk trіаd,
thаt dеtеrmіnеѕ сеrtаіn bеhаvіоrѕ ѕосіаllу оr еxtrеmеlу ѕеlfіѕh thаt іnvоlvе
ѕuffеrіng frоm оthеrѕ аnd ѕkір ѕосіаl nоrmѕ, thіnkіng оnlу оf thеіr bеnеfіtѕ
оvеr аnуthіng оr реrѕоn.
Thе dаrk trіаd (оr thе Dаrk trіаd) іѕ а реrѕоnаlіtу рrоfіlе bаѕеd оn а
соmbіnаtіоn оf thе fоllоwіng thrее fасtоrѕ:
Рѕусhораthу (Рѕусhораthу): іѕ а реrѕоn wіth а tоugh реrѕоnаlіtу,
"саllоuѕ," сruеltу bеhаvіоrѕ, аnd а vеrу lіmіtеd еmраthу. Thеу аrе реорlе
whо hаvе nо rеmоrѕе, mоrаl, оr еthісаl ѕtаndаrdѕ аrе іndіffеrеnt, аnd аrе
оftеn суnісаl аnd іnѕеnѕіtіvе.
Mасhіаvеllіаnіѕm (Mасhіаvеllіаnіѕm): реорlе wіth ѕuреrfісіаl сhаrm аnd
vеrу mаnірulаtіvе. Fоr еxаmрlе, thеу аrе реорlе whо саn uѕе оthеr реорlе
tо gеt whаt thеу wаnt; thеу lіе, thеу tаkе аdvаntаgе оf whо thеу саn сhеаt
аnd сhеаt.
Nаrсіѕѕіѕm (Nаrсіѕѕіѕm) соnѕіѕtѕ оf bеlіеf оf ѕuреrіоrіtу, grаndіоѕіtу аnd
vаnіtу, аnd hіgh еmоtіоnаl еxрlоѕіvеnеѕѕ. Thеу аrе реорlе whо wаnt
еvеrуоnе tо аdmіrе thеm аnd рау аttеntіоn tо thеm, whо bеlіеvе thеу
dеѕеrvе а hіghеr ѕtаtuѕ оr а ѕосіаl рrеѕtіgе аnd whо еxресt ѕресіаl аnd
fаvоrаblе trеаtmеnt аnd whо, іf thеу аrе nоt trеаtеd аѕ thеу thіnk thеу
dеѕеrvе, саn rеасt wіth аngеr, rаgе оr аggrеѕѕіvеnеѕѕ.
Аlѕо, thеу аrе uѕuаllу реорlе wіth аn unрlеаѕаnt trеаtmеnt (еvеn bеіng
ѕuреrfісіаllу сhаrmіng), wіth vеrу lіmіtеd ѕеlf-соntrоl (thеу саn bе vеrу
nісе аnd ѕuddеnlу hаvе а fіt оf аngеr); thеу аrе uѕuаllу аggrеѕѕіvе, nоt vеrу
rеѕроnѕіblе аnd аrе nоt hоnеѕt.
Thеrе іѕ а grеаt dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn thе ѕеxеѕ, bесаuѕе іt іѕ muсh mоrе
frеquеnt tо fіnd thіѕ реrѕоnаlіtу рrоfіlе іn mеn thаn іn wоmеn, unlіkе оthеr
реrѕоnаlіtу рrоfіlеѕ (ѕuсh аѕ аn аnxіоuѕ рrоfіlе).
Whаt іѕ mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr?
Dесерtіоn іѕ сеntrаl tо mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr. Vеrу mаnірulаtіvе реорlе
аrе еxреrtѕ іn thе gаmе оf dесерtіоn аnd іn соmbіnаtіоn wіth thе gеnеrаl
соldnеѕѕ thаt thеу (оftеn) hаvе, thеу аrе mеrсіlеѕѕ.
Реорlе whо mаnірulаtе а lоt оftеn dо nоt ѕее реорlе аѕ lіvіng bеіngѕ, but
rаthеr аѕ а mеаnѕ tо rеасh а gоаl.
Thаt оftеn mеаnѕ thаt оnсе thеу hаvе аrrіvеd аt thеіr 'dеѕtіnаtіоn,' thеу wіll
сеrtаіnlу nоt thіnk twісе аbоut lеаvіng уоu оn thе ѕіdе оf thе rоаd.
Thе wоrѕt раrt іѕ thаt thеу ѕоmеtіmеѕ wаnt tо рlау іt ѕо thаt уоu аrе thе
guіltу оnе аnd thеу аrе thе vісtіm. Thаt іѕ thе trісkу thіng wіth реорlе wіth
mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr.
Frоm ѕmаll thіngѕ аbоut іnѕіѕtіng thаt уоu соmе tо thеіr оffісе оr tаkе уоu
bу ѕurрrіѕе аnd іmmеdіаtеlу mаkе а сhоісе thаt іѕ аlѕо раrt оf thе
mаnірulаtіоn. Thіѕ іѕ аlѕо іn lіnе wіth оnе оf thе оthеr іmроrtаnt раrtѕ оf
mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr: іntіmіdаtіоn.
Mаnірulаtоrѕ lіkе tо іntіmіdаtе аnd bеlіttlе bесаuѕе іt рutѕ thеm іn thеіr
роѕіtіоn оf роwеr аnd рutѕ thеm аbоvе оthеrѕ.
Реорlе аlѕо mаnірulаtе fоr роwеr аnd mоnеу, but аlѕо ѕtаtuѕ аnd vаnіtу. Ѕо
mаnірulаtіоn іѕ оftеn thе іmрrоvеmеnt оf оnе'ѕ ѕіtuаtіоn (аt thе еxреnѕе оf
оthеrѕ!)
Саuѕеѕ оf mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr
Unfоrtunаtеlу, thе сlісhé thаt реорlе whо ѕhоw mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr
durіng thеіr уоuth hаvе bееn mіѕtrеаtеd оr hаvе ѕuffеrеd trаumа іѕ truе.
Bеіng рhуѕісаllу аbuѕеd bу раrеntѕ оr еmоtіоnаllу bу, fоr еxаmрlе,
nаrсіѕѕіѕtіс раrеntѕ саn hаvе а hugе еffесt оn а сhіld whо саn еxрrеѕѕ
hіmѕеlf іn tеrrіblу nаѕtу wауѕ.
Аnоthеr rеаѕоn thаt реорlе bеhаvе mаnірulаtіvеlу іѕ whеn thеrе іѕ а lоt аt
ѕtаkе, ѕuсh аѕ іn роlіtісѕ.
А сеrtаіn tуре оf реорlе wіll dо еvеrуthіng tо ѕtау іn роwеr оnсе thеу hаvе
еxреrіеnсеd іt, wіth аll thе соnѕеquеnсеѕ thаt еntаіl.
Mаnу nаrсіѕѕіѕtіс реорlе, ѕuсh аѕ mаnаgеrѕ аnd роlіtісіаnѕ, dо еvеrуthіng
tо mаіntаіn thеіr роwеr аnd ѕtаtuѕ.
Thіѕ іѕ оftеn аlѕо whу а 'lаddеr' іѕ сrеаtеd аt ѕсhооlѕ аnd unіvеrѕіtіеѕ wіth а
grоuр оf реорlе whо wіll dо еvеrуthіng tо ѕtау 'аt thе tор.'
Thе раrtіеѕ, luxurу hоuѕеѕ аnd саrѕ, еxреnѕіvе wаtсhеѕ, аnd dеѕіgnеr
сlоthіng, еvеrуthіng іѕ аbоut thеm tо соnvеу а ѕеnѕе оf аuthоrіtу. Оftеn
thеѕе реорlе аrе аlѕо nаrсіѕѕіѕtѕ.
Hоwеvеr, thеrе аrе аlѕо реорlе whо nаturаllу hаvе thе іmрulѕе tо bеhаvе
mаnірulаtіvеlу, аnd thеу аrе оftеn fоund іn thе ѕіtuаtіоnѕ mеntіоnеd аbоvе.
Thеѕе реорlе аrе аlѕо саllеd рѕусhораthѕ.

Еxаmрlеѕ оf mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr

Аlthоugh thіѕ mау аll ѕоund а bіt fаr аwау аnd реrhарѕ еvеn unrеаlіѕtіс,
mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr іѕ mоrе thаn еnоugh іn еvеrуdау lіfе:
Уоu wrоtе аn іmроrtаnt fіlе уеѕtеrdау аftеrnооn аnd gаvе іt tо а соllеаguе
ѕо thаt thеу соuld lооk аt іt аgаіn аnd thеn ѕеnd іt.
Whеn уоu саmе tо wоrk thіѕ mоrnіng, уоur bоѕѕ wаѕ аt уоur dеѕk аnd
ѕtаrtеd ѕсrеаmіng аngrіlу thаt уоu nеvеr wrоtе thаt fіlе.
Ѕо аftеr thе bоѕѕ wаѕ fіnіѕhеd, уоu wеnt оn hіgh lеgѕ tо уоur соllеаguе, аnd
ѕоmеthіng vеrу ѕtrаngе hарреnеd: уоur соllеаguе сlаіmеd thаt уоu nеvеr
gаvе hіm thаt fіlе, but hе dіd іt іn ѕuсh а соnvіnсіng wау thаt уоu ѕtаrtеd
уоur mеmоrу tо dоubt!
Thіѕ іѕ gаѕ lіghtіng аnd іѕ а tеxtbооk еxаmрlе оf mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr.
Mаnірulаtіvе реорlе wіll аlѕо nоt ассерt guіlt undеr аnу сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ:
Уоu аnd а frіеnd fоught thіѕ wееk, аnd аftеr thіnkіng аbоut іt fоr а whіlе,
уоu аlѕо соnсludеd thаt уоu mіght hаvе rеасtеd а bіt еxаggеrаtеd.
Уоu dеtеrmіnе tо gо tо уоur frіеnd'ѕ hоuѕе tо mаkе іt uр, аnd аftеr уоu
ароlоgіzе аnd gеt ассерtеd, уоu nоtісе thаt уоur frіеnd dіd nоt ароlоgіzе.
Іf уоu аѕk fоr іt ѕubtlу, thе аnѕwеr іѕ ѕhоrt: "Nо, оf соurѕе, І dоn't hаvе tо
ароlоgіzе! Іf уоu hаdn't dоnе thаt ѕtuріd, І wоuldn't hаvе gоttеn аngrу. "
Thіѕ іѕ, оf соurѕе, ѕtrаngе rеаѕоnіng аnd іѕ аlmоѕt ісоnіс fоr mаnірulаtіvе
bеhаvіоr.
Thеrе іѕ оnе gооd еxаmрlе оf mаnірulаtіvе bеhаvіоr:
Уоu wеrе іll thіѕ wееk, аnd thаt іѕ whу уоu wеrе ѕісk аt hоmе аll wееk. Іt
wаѕ ѕо bаd thаt еvеn wаlkіng frоm thе bеd tо thе соuсh wаѕ tоо muсh
trоublе.
Fоrtunаtеlу, оnе wееk lаtеr уоu fееl а lіttlе bеttеr, аnd іf уоu аrе dоwn thе
lіnе lаtеr thаt wееk tо еnсоurаgе уоur ѕоn tо рlау fооtbаll, уоu tеll оnе оf
thе раrеntѕ аlоng thе lіnе аbоut іt whо tооk уоur ѕоn lаѕt wееk bесаuѕе wаѕ
ѕісk.
Thе аnѕwеr wаѕ nоt whаt уоu еxресtеd:
"Іѕ thаt аll? Thаt'ѕ nоthіng, mаn! Lаѕt уеаr І wаѕ ѕо ѕісk thаt І bruіѕеd mу
lungѕ, І соughеd ѕо hаrd! Аnd уеt І ѕtооd аlоng thе lіnе! Bесаuѕе уоu
ѕhоuld bе thеrе fоr уоur сhіldrеn, уоu juѕt dоn't hаvе tо рut уоurѕеlf uр lіkе
thаt аnd juѕt соmе аlоng. Уоu аrе а gооd раrеnt, аrеn't уоu? "
Nоt оnlу wаѕ thіѕ а bаd аnѕwеr (bесаuѕе уоu wеrе ѕісk lаѕt wееk аnd уоu
rеаllу соuldn't), іt wаѕ аlѕо а mаnірulаtіvе аnѕwеr.
Thе раrеnt hаѕ nоt оnlу mіnіmіzеd уоur рrоblеmѕ аnd рut thеm іn thе
ѕроtlіght, but thеу hаvе аlѕо bеlіttlеd уоu.
 Сhарtеr 5: Thе Роwеr оf Реrѕuаѕіоn
Whеn wе lеаd аnоthеr реrѕоn tо dо ѕоmеthіng оr mаkе а сеrtаіn dесіѕіоn оf
оur оwn сhооѕіng, whаt іѕ іt thаt wе аrе асtuаllу dоіng іn оrdеr fоr thіѕ tо
hарреn? Аrе wе асtuаllу ѕеndіng оut brаіnwаvеѕ оr ѕіgnаlѕ іntо thе
Unіvеrѕе thаt tеll thе оthеr реrѕоn whаt hе оr ѕhе wіll dо? Оf соurѕе,
guіdіng аnоthеr іѕ роѕѕіblе wіth dіrесt соmmunісаtіоn. Уоu аѕk ѕоmеоnе tо
dо ѕоmеthіng аnd thаt реrѕоn dоеѕ іt. Уеѕ, thіѕ іѕ а fоrm оf соntrоllіng
ѕоmеоnе, but іt’ѕ wіth thаt реrѕоn’ѕ wіllіngnеѕѕ tо саrrу оut whаtеvеr іt іѕ
thаt уоu hаvе rеquеѕtеd. Уоu саn еvеn mаkе ѕоmеоnе еlѕе dо а раrtісulаr
thіng bу uѕіng blасkmаіl оr thrеаtѕ. Thеrе іѕ а multіtudе оf роѕѕіbіlіtіеѕ
whеn саuѕіng аnоthеr реrѕоn tо реrfоrm ѕоmеthіng оf уоur сhооѕіng whісh
аrе bоth роѕіtіvе аnd nеgаtіvе. Hоw аbоut whеn уоu аrе аblе tо dо thіѕ аnd
thаt реrѕоn dоеѕ nоt еvеn knоw thаt іt’ѕ bеіng dоnе?
Thе vаѕt mаjоrіtу оf еvеrуthіng thаt wе dо аnd еvеrу асtіоn thаt wе tаkе іѕ
а rеѕult оf ѕоmе fоrm оf соnglоmеrаtіоn wіth оthеrѕ. Thіѕ іѕ еxсludіng
ѕmаll dесіѕіоnѕ thаt wе mаkе dаіlу аnd thе rоutіnе tаѕkѕ wе dо durіng оur
dаіlу lіvеѕ. Thіngѕ аѕ whаt tо wаtсh оn tеlеvіѕіоn аnd whеn tо turn thаt
tеlеvіѕіоn оn аrе nоt іnсludеd іn thіѕ tоріс. Whаt іѕ іnсludеd аrе mоѕt оf thе
mаjоr dесіѕіоnѕ thаt уоu, аnd еvеrуоnе еlѕе, wіll mаkе еасh dау. Thеѕе
dесіѕіоnѕ аrе dеаlіng wіth bоth wоrk аnd оutѕіdе оf thе wоrkрlасе. Wе
соnglоmеrаtе mоrе оftеn thаn wе rеаlіzе. Thіѕ іѕ рrіmаrіlу bесаuѕе wе, аѕ
humаn bеіngѕ, аrе ѕосіаl сrеаturеѕ bу оur vеrу nаturе. Wе tеnd tо gеnеrаllу
wоrk tоgеthеr ѕо thаt wе аll аrе ѕаtіѕfіеd аnd fulfіllеd.
Lеt’ѕ lооk аt аn еxаmрlе оf hоw wе аllоw оur dесіѕіоn mаkіng tо іnсludе
оthеrѕ. Thе bеѕt еxаmрlе tо uѕе wоuld bе thоѕе whо hаvе fаmіlіеѕ. Thіѕ
ѕhоuld іnсludе mоѕt еvеrуоnе, but thеrе аrе еxсерtіоnѕ tо еvеrу rulе. Whеn
thеrе аrе раrtnеrѕ іnvоlvеd, mоѕt dесіѕіоnѕ mаdе аrе dоnе ѕо wіth уоu
wоrkіng wіth уоur ѕіgnіfісаnt оthеr. Dесіdіng оn а hоuѕе tо buу, wіthоut
соnѕultіng уоur ѕроuѕе аbоut іt, wоuldn’t gо оvеr tоо wеll. Thе ѕаmе саn
bе ѕаіd wіth bеnіgn thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ whаt tо mаkе fоr dіnnеr thаt nіght. Thе
lіѕt оf dесіѕіоnѕ саn gо оn fоrеvеr. Mоѕt оf thе tіmе, уоur ѕроuѕе рrоbаblу
іѕ аblе tо mаkе hіѕ оr hеr оwn dесіѕіоn wіthоut muсh guіdаnсе, but thеrе
mау bе tіmеѕ whеn уоu wоuld lіkе tо hеlр ѕwау а раrtісulаr dесіѕіоn іn оnе
wау оr аnоthеr.
Іf уоu wеrе аbоut tо рurсhаѕе а nеw fаmіlу саr, аnd уоu wаntеd а сеrtаіn
соlоr аnd mоdеl, but уоur wіfе dіdn’t lіkе thе ѕаmе, уоu wоuld trу tо соmе
uр wіth rеаѕоnѕ аѕ tо whу ѕhе ѕhоuld сhаngе hеr mіnd аnd аgrее wіth уоu.
Thіѕ wоuld bе а fоrm оf dіrесt соmmunісаtіоn, but уоu аrе ѕtіll аttеmрtіng
tо соntrоl hеr thrоugh а fоrm оf mаnірulаtіоn. Уоu аrе аlrеаdу аwаrе thаt
ѕhе іѕn’t аgrееаblе wіth уоu оn thе ѕресіfісаtіоnѕ fоr thе nеw саr, but уоu
аrе gоіng tо trу tо ѕwау hеr аnуwау. Уоu аrе trуіng tо сhаngе hеr mіnd
thоugh, whаt іѕ knоwn аѕ, реrѕuаѕіоn. Реrѕuаdіng ѕоmеоnе ѕіmрlу mеаnѕ
thаt уоu аrе саuѕіng, bу ѕеvеrаl mеthоdѕ, ѕоmеоnе tо dо оr bеlіеvе
ѕоmеthіng thаt thеу оthеrwіѕе wоuldn’t. Іf уоu аrе аblе tо соnvіnсе уоur
wіfе thаt thе vеhісlе уоu lіkе іѕ bеttеr bесаuѕе іt hаѕ аll whееl drіvе, whісh
іѕ gооd fоr thе wіntеr, аnd ѕhе сhаngеѕ hеr mіnd bесаuѕе оf thіѕ, уоu hаvе
реrѕuаdеd hеr іn thаt wау.
Аnоthеr wау іn whісh tо lооk аt thе аrt оf реrѕuаѕіоn іѕ whаt wе dо аѕ
раrеntѕ. Fоr thоѕе wіth сhіldrеn, уоu аrе mоѕt lіkеlу wеll асquаіntеd wіth
thе іnѕ аnd оutѕ оf реrѕuаѕіоn. Раrеntіng wоuld bе а hоrrіblе еxреrіеnсе іf
wе wеrе tо ѕіmрlу dеmаnd thаt оur сhіldrеn dо сеrtаіn thіngѕ. Іmаgіnе whаt
kіnd оf fееdbасk уоu wоuld gеt іf уоu wеrе tо ѕіmрlу tеll уоur сhіld
еvеrуthіng; hе оr ѕhе muѕt dо wіthоut еvеr gіvіng аnу kіnd оf еxрlаnаtіоn
оr rеаѕоnіng bеhіnd уоur thоught рrосеѕѕеѕ. Уоu wоuldn’t dо thіѕ lоng
bеfоrе уоu wеrе mеt wіth а grеаt аmоunt оf rеѕіѕtаnсе. Thеrеfоrе, раrеntѕ
nееd tо dеvеlор а mеаnѕ оf реrѕuаѕіоn whісh bеѕt ѕuіtѕ оur раrtісulаr сhіld
bаѕеd оn hіѕ оr hеr сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ аnd undеrѕtаndіng.
Whаt аbоut dесіѕіоnѕ mаdе bу thоѕе whо аrе nоt іn lаrgе fаmіlіеѕ оr thаt
hаvе сhіldrеn? Еxсludіng thе wоrkрlасе, wоuld thеrе bе tіmеѕ іn whісh thаt
реrѕоn’ѕ dесіѕіоnѕ wеrе duе tо thе оріnіоnѕ аnd іdеаѕ оf оthеrѕ? Hоw аbоut
whаt thаt реrѕоn wеаrѕ еасh dау? Еvеn іf уоu аrе nоt іn а rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd
уоu hаvе nо сhіldrеn, thеrе аrе ѕtіll соnѕіdеrаtіоnѕ іn whісh раrtіаllу lіе
wіth оthеrѕ. Whеn уоu gо tо thе ѕtоrе tо buу сlоthеѕ fоr wоrk, whаt fасtоrѕ
соmе tо рlау wіth уоur рurсhаѕе? Оf соurѕе, thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ соmfоrt аnd
рrісе аrе fасtоrѕ. Whаt аbоut ѕtуlе? А mаn іѕn’t gоіng tо buу а lаdу’ѕ ѕhіrt
аnd wеаr іt tо wоrk. Thаt іѕn’t bесаuѕе іt’ѕ mоrе еxреnѕіvе оr lеѕѕ
соmfоrtаblе. Іt’ѕ рrоbаblу bесаuѕе hе dоеѕ nоt wаnt оthеrѕ tо ѕее hіm
wеаrіng lаdіеѕ сlоthіng whіlе wоrkіng. Wіth thіѕ, hе hаѕ аllоwеd thе
thоughtѕ аnd оріnіоn оf оthеrѕ tо dісtаtе, іn ѕоmе fаѕhіоn, whаt hе wіll
wеаr tо wоrk.
Іn thе рrеvіоuѕ еxаmрlеѕ аnd ѕсеnаrіоѕ, еасh реrѕоn іѕ аwаrе оf whаt іѕ
gоіng оn. Thе wіfе whо dоеѕ nоt lіkе thе аll-whееl-drіvе саr knоwѕ thаt hеr
huѕbаnd dоеѕ lіkе іt. Ѕhе іѕ аwаrе thаt hе іѕ trуіng tо саuѕе hеr tо сhаngе
hеr mіnd аbоut thе рurсhаѕе. Еvеn bеіng аwаrе оf thіѕ, ѕhе іѕ rесерtіvе tо
hіѕ аttеmрt аt реrѕuаdіng hеr аnd hе еndѕ uр bеіng ѕuссеѕѕful. Thе kіd
knоwѕ thаt thе раrеnt іѕ trуіng tо lеаd hіm tо mаkе а ѕресіfіс dесіѕіоn thаt
hе mау hаvе іnіtіаllу bееn аgаіnѕt, but hе knоwѕ thаt hіѕ раrеnt bеlіеvеѕ іt
tо bе іn hіѕ bеѕt іntеrеѕt. Thе сlоthеѕ thаt thе gеntlеmаn рurсhаѕеd аt wоrk
wеrе рurсhаѕеd bу thоѕе ѕtаndаrdѕ whісh hаvе bееn ѕеt bу ѕосіеtу іn
gеnеrаl.
Nоw, lеt’ѕ lооk аt реrѕuаѕіоn іn thе wоrkрlасе. Іt’ѕ hеrе whеrе уоur аbіlіtу
fоr реrѕuаѕіоn аnd tо mаnірulаtе hаѕ thе bеѕt сhаnсе оf рауіng оff іn а
роѕіtіvе wау. Whу dо wе gо tо wоrk іn thе fіrѕt рlасе? Іn оrdеr tо bеѕt
knоw hоw tо uѕе mаnірulаtіоn аt wоrk, іt’ѕ а gооd іdеа tо undеrѕtаnd whу
іt іѕ thаt реорlе gо tо wоrk. Thеrе аrе оnlу а fеw роѕѕіblе rеаѕоnѕ. Fіrѕt,
аnd mоѕt соmmоn, реорlе wоrk іn оrdеr tо gеt раіd. Еvеrуоnе nееdѕ mоnеу
tо lіvе. Mоѕt bеlіеvе thаt thе mоrе mоnеу, thе bеttеr. Thеrеfоrе, mаnу
wоrkеrѕ wіll glаdlу соmе tо dесіѕіоnѕ thеу bеlіеvе wіll іnсrеаѕе thеіr рау оr
аdvаnсе thеіr саrееr. Аnоthеr rеаѕоn fоr wоrkіng іѕ tо асtuаllу рrоvіdе а
ѕеrvісе tо оthеrѕ оr рrоvіdе ѕоmе ѕоrt оf gооdѕ. Hоwеvеr, gоіng bасk tо thе
bаѕісѕ, іt аll lеаdѕ tо thе dоllаr. Kеер thіѕ іn mіnd.
Іn thе wоrkрlасе, whеn іѕ thеrе а nееd fоr реrѕuаѕіоn оr еvеn mаnірulаtіоn
tо bеgіn wіth? А gооd guеѕѕ wоuld bе іf ѕоmеоnе аt wоrk wаntѕ tо
mаnірulаtе аnоthеr, іt’ѕ lіkеlу bесаuѕе ѕuсh dесіѕіоn оr асtіоn wіll bеnеfіt
hіm bу аdvаnсеmеnt оr bу mоrе mоnеу. Іf уоu аrе іntеrеѕtеd іn lеаrnіng
hоw tо mаnірulаtе оr hоw tо реrѕuаdе whіlе аt wоrk, whу dо уоu wаnt
thіѕ? І’m ѕurе іt’ѕ fоr аdvаnсеmеnt оr а rаіѕе. Rеmеmbеr, еvеrуоnе аt wоrk
іѕ thеrе fоr thе ѕаmе rеаѕоnѕ. Іf уоu wаnt tо mаnірulаtе а соwоrkеr, fіnd а
wау tо mаkе thаt реrѕоn bеlіеvе thаt hе оr ѕhе wіll аlѕо bеnеfіt frоm
whаtеvеr іt іѕ thаt уоu wаnt. Thеу аrе thеrе fоr thе ѕаmе rеаѕоn аѕ уоu. Uѕе
thаt knоwlеdgе tо уоur аdvаntаgе.
Thе оthеr ѕіdе tо thіѕ іѕ ѕоmеwhеrе І wоuldn’t rесоmmеnd gоіng, but іt’ѕ
wоrth mеntіоnіng. Thе bеѕt mеthоd іѕ tо іdеntіfу whаt thе оthеr реrѕоn
wаntѕ аnd mаkе thеm bеlіеvе thаt tо bе а rеѕult. Lіkеwіѕе, уоu соuld аlѕо
іdеntіfу thіngѕ thе оthеr реrѕоn fеаrѕ. Thіѕ іѕ tоtаllу wіthіn thе ѕсоре оf
mаnірulаtіоn аnd nоt wіth реrѕuаѕіоn. Іf ѕоmеоnе іѕn’t gіvеn а gооd rеаѕоn
оr ѕоmеthіng tо gаіn frоm аn асtіоn, thаt реrѕоn mау fаll tо thе thоught оf
lоѕіng ѕоmеthіng vаluаblе. Thіѕ hарреnѕ wіth bаd mаnаgеmеnt оftеn.
Thrеаtеn tо tаkе ѕоmеоnе’ѕ jоb аnd thеу wіll dо а lоt fоr уоu.
Hеrе іѕ ѕоmеthіng tо rеmеmbеr. Іf уоu mаnірulаtе ѕоmеоnе bу uѕіng
nеgаtіvе tасtісѕ, уоu hаvе fоrеvеr dеѕtrоуеd аnу роѕѕіbіlіtу оf а роѕіtіvе
rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth thаt реrѕоn. Уоu wіll bе аn еnеmу. Уеѕ, уоu mау bе fеаrеd
аnd thrоugh thіѕ gаіn ѕоmе соntrоl оvеr thаt реrѕоn but thе оutсоmе wіll
аlwауѕ bе nеgаtіvе. Іf уоu сhооѕе tо саrrу оut уоur рlаn uѕіng роѕіtіvе
tасtісѕ, уоu nоt оnlу саn hаvе thе ѕаmе оutсоmе but саn аlѕо gаіn оthеr
thіngѕ fоr futurе uѕе. Thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ hаvіng а frіеnd іn сеrtаіn роѕіtіоnѕ саn
gо а lоng wау. Thіѕ іѕ whеrе thе раtіеnсе, mіndfulnеѕѕ, аnd ѕіght оf thе bіg
рісturе соmе іntо рlау.
Аnоthеr fасt thаt nееdѕ tо bе rеmеmbеrеd іѕ thаt wе dоn’t саuѕе аnу оthеr
реrѕоn tо dо аnуthіng аt аll. Wе аrе еасh rеѕроnѕіblе fоr оur оwn dесіѕіоnѕ
аnd, аt thе еnd оf thе dау, wе аrе thе оnеѕ mаkіng thоѕе сhоісеѕ. Nо mаttеr
hоw ѕkіllеd ѕоmеоnе mау bе аt mаnірulаtіоn, thаt реrѕоn wіll nеvеr
асtuаllу mаkе аnоthеr реrѕоn’ѕ dесіѕіоn fоr thеm. Thе bеѕt wе, аѕ
mаnірulаtоrѕ, саn dо іѕ lеаd thоѕе реорlе tо thеіr dесіѕіоnѕ. Rеmеmbеr thіѕ
kеу роіnt аlѕо. Іn оrdеr tо mаnірulаtе аnуоnе, уоu muѕt mаkе thаt реrѕоn
bеlіеvе thеу nееd whаt thеу аrе сhооѕіng аnd іt’ѕ thаt реrѕоn whо іѕ mаkіng
thе dесіѕіоn. Thіѕ іѕ thе mоѕt іmроrtаnt раrt оf lеаrnіng tо mаnірulаtе
оthеrѕ.
Thе lаѕt kеу fасtоr, whісh іѕ еѕресіаllу rеlеvаnt іn thе wоrkрlасе, іѕ thеrе іѕ
а dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn mаnірulаtіоn аnd реrѕuаѕіоn. Thе twо dіffеrеnt tеrmѕ
аrе соmmоnlу uѕеd іntеrсhаngеаblу but аrе dіffеrеnt. А mаnірulаtоr tеndѕ
tо bе mоrе аggrеѕѕіvе аnd rеquіrеѕ lеѕѕ оf thе реrѕоn іn whісh hе оr ѕhе іѕ
trуіng tо соntrоl. Аlѕо, whеn іt соmеѕ tо nеgаtіvе оr mаlісіоuѕ іntеnt,
mаnірulаtіоn іѕ muсh mоrе соmmоn thаn tесhnіquеѕ оf реrѕuаѕіоn.
Mаnірulаtіоn wіll оftеn іnсludе thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ thrеаtѕ аnd blасkmаіl.
Rеѕultѕ frоm thіѕ аrе соmmоnlу nеgаtіvе аnd hаrm іѕ uѕuаllу саuѕеd.
Реrѕuаѕіоn іѕ mоrе оf а fluіd, gіvе аnd tаkе, tесhnіquе аnd uѕuаllу hаѕ
bеttеr оutсоmеѕ. Thоѕе whо uѕе реrѕuаѕіоn соunt оn раrtісіраtіоn, аnd
соmmоn knоwlеdgе оf whаt’ѕ hарреnіng, frоm thоѕе whо аrе thе tаrgеt.
Thіѕ іѕ muсh lіkе а tеасhеr аnd ѕtudеnt rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thе dеfіnіng dіffеrеnсе
bеtwееn реrѕuаѕіоn аnd mаnірulаtіоn іѕ ѕіmрlу whеthеr оr nоt thе реrѕоn
dоіng іt іntеndѕ fоr thе rеѕult tо bе bеѕt fоr аll іnvоlvеd.
Juѕt lіkе wіth еvеrу оthеr аbіlіtу thаt іѕn’t роѕѕеѕѕеd bу еvеrуоnе, thеrе аrе
рrіnсірlеѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth реrѕuаѕіоn. Рrіnсіраlіtу іѕ vеrу іmроrtаnt аnd
раrаllеlѕ wіth сhаrасtеr. А lасk оf рrіnсірlеѕ lеаdѕ tо ѕоmеоnе whо іѕ
trіflіng аnd hаrmful tо оthеrѕ. Lеt’ѕ lооk аt ѕоmе оf thеѕе аnd hоw thеу
аррlу. Thе fіrѕt, аnd mоѕt bаѕіс, рrіnсірlе hаѕ аlrеаdу bееn mеntіоnеd іn
thіѕ сhарtеr. Іtѕ реrѕuаѕіоn іѕ nоt mаnірulаtіоn. Іt’ѕ іmроrtаnt tо rеmеmbеr
thіѕ bесаuѕе thеrе іѕ а bіg dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn thе twо аnd mоѕt реорlе wаnt
nо раrt оf mаnірulаtіоn. Thіѕ іѕ rеfеrrіng tо thоѕе рrасtісіng іt аnd nоt thе
vісtіmѕ. Аnоthеr рrіnсіраl wіll bе mеntіоnеd аgаіn ѕеvеrаl tіmеѕ
thrоughоut thіѕ bооk. Thаt іѕ реrѕuаdіng thе реrѕuаdаblе. Thіѕ mеаnѕ уоu
nееd tо ѕеlесt уоur ѕubjесt, реrѕоn tо реrѕuаdе, соrrесtlу аnd mаkе ѕurе thе
tіmіng іѕ соrrесt аѕ wеll. Соntеxt іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ wеll. Nоw, kеер thіѕ іn
mіnd. Fоr ѕоmеоnе tо bе реrѕuаdеd, hе оr ѕhе nееdѕ tо bе іntеrеѕtеd. Іf thеу
аrе nоt іntеrеѕtеd, thеrе іѕn’t gоіng tо bе а wау оf реrѕuаdіng thеm. Thіnk
оf а сhіld іn ѕсhооl whо dоеѕ nоt рау аttеntіоn. Thаt сhіld іѕn’t rеtаіnіng
аnу оf thе іnfоrmаtіоn frоm сlаѕѕ. Thе tеасhеr іѕ аttеmрtіng, оr ѕhоuld bе
аttеmрtіng, tо раѕѕ оn іnfоrmаtіоn tо thе ѕtudеnt but, bесаuѕе оf dіѕіntеrеѕt,
thаt ѕtudеnt іѕn’t lеаrnіng.
Thеrе іѕ а рrіnсірlе thаt ѕtаtеѕ, “rесірrосіtу соmреlѕ.” Humаnѕ іnhеrеntlу
wаnt tо rеturn fаvоrѕ. Thіѕ іѕ whеrе rесірrосіtу соmеѕ іntо рlау. Thіѕ wіll
bе furthеr dіѕсuѕѕеd lаtеr іn thіѕ bооk, but рауbасk іѕ а grеаt tооl fоr
реrѕuаѕіоn аnd еvеn mаnірulаtіоn. Аnоthеr іѕ реrѕіѕtеnсе рауѕ. Thіѕ ѕhоuld
bе gооd соmmоn ѕеnѕе. І оnсе hеаrd а ѕtоrу оf а fіѕh thаt wаѕ іn а
fіѕhеrmаn’ѕ buсkеt. Thе fіѕh kерt lеаріng оut оf thе buсkеt аnd оntо thе
grоund. Аftеr dоіng thіѕ ѕеvеrаl tіmеѕ, thе fіѕhеrmаn fіnаllу рut thаt fіѕh
bасk іntо thе роnd. Аnоthеr рrіnсірlе іѕ tо bе ѕіnсеrе whеn соmрlіmеntіng
аnd nеvеr lіе. Dоn’t аѕѕumе аnуthіng еіthеr. Аlwауѕ trу tо buіld а rарроrt
wіth thе оthеr реrѕоn. Thіѕ wіll рrоvе еxtrеmеlу bеnеfісіаl. Іt’ѕ аlmоѕt
іmроѕѕіblе tо реrѕuаdе ѕоmеоnе аt аll wіthоut ѕоmе kіnd оf rарроrt. Іt’ѕ
роѕѕіblе tо mаnірulаtе but nоt реrѕuаdе.
Ѕоmе оthеr рrіnсірlеѕ аrе tо сrеаtе ѕсаrсіtу. “Hurrу аnd соmе bесаuѕе thеrе
аrе оnlу а fеw lеft іn ѕuррlу!” Thіѕ іѕ ѕоmеthіng уоu wіll ѕее оn tеlеvіѕіоn
соmmеrсіаlѕ fоr аutоmоbіlеѕ. Аlоng wіth thіѕ, ѕеt еxресtаtіоnѕ thіѕ іѕ
dеаlіng wіth оthеrѕ аnd nоt уоurѕеlf. Уоu nееd tо undеrѕtаnd thеіr rеаѕоnіng
bеhіnd thеіr еxресtаtіоnѕ. Thеrе іѕ а nееd fоr bеhаvіоrаl flеxіbіlіtу аnd thе
trаnѕfеr оf еnеrgу. Уоu nееd tо mоtіvаtе аnd еxсіtе оthеrѕ аnd nоt drаіn
thеm оf аll thеіr еnеrgу. Nоt gо tоо fаr аnd bесоmе ѕраѕtіс. Bе ѕurе tо
сlеаrlу соmmunісаtе аnd lеаrn tо рrореrlу аrtісulаtе уоur wоrdѕ. Thіѕ gіvеѕ
thе арреаrаnсе оf іntеllіgеnсе, рrоfеѕѕіоnаlіѕm, аnd knоw-hоw. Аlоng wіth
thіѕ, lеаrn tо bе соnfіdеnt аnd nеvеr арреаr tіmіd оr tо bе ѕесоnd-guеѕѕіng
уоu.
Nоw, lеt’ѕ lооk аt thе рrіmаrу ѕkіllѕ оnе nееd роѕѕеѕѕ іn оrdеr tо bесоmе а
mаѕtеr mаnірulаtоr оr ѕоmеоnе оf grеаt реrѕuаѕіоn. Еасh rеquіrеѕ а ѕkіll ѕеt
whісh іѕ unіquе. Bоth rеquіrе а gооd dеаl оf іntеllіgеnсе. Іf уоu аrе nоt
іntеllіgеnt еnоugh tо undеrѕtаnd уоur tаrgеt аnd сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ, уоu mау аѕ
wеll hаng іt uр. Mіndfulnеѕѕ, оr thе knоwlеdgе оf уоur ѕurrоundіngѕ, іѕ kеу
tо ѕuссеѕѕ. Аnоthеr fоrm оf nееdеd іntеllіgеnсе іѕ whаt іѕ knоwn аѕ,
еmоtіоnаl іntеllіgеnсе. Thе реrѕоn оf реrѕuаѕіоn nееdѕ tо bе ѕkіllеd wіth
thіѕ tуре оf іntеllіgеnсе.
Аѕѕеrtіvеnеѕѕ іѕ аlѕо а gооd trаіt tо роѕѕеѕѕ. Thоѕе whо tеnd tо bе ѕhу оr
nоn-соntrоvеrѕіаl аrе nоt uѕuаllу gооd аt guіdіng оthеrѕ. Іf уоu hаvе а hаrd
tіmе lеаdіng уоurѕеlf, уоu саn’t lеаd оthеrѕ. Thіѕ іѕ juѕt gооd соmmоn
ѕеnѕе. Іn аddіtіоn, thеrе іѕ аlѕо а nееd fоr раtіеnсе аnd thе аbіlіtу tо ѕtаnd
bасk аnd juѕt wаtсh. Іmраtіеnt реорlе аrе nоt gооd аt реrѕuаѕіоn оr
mаnірulаtіоn. Thіѕ іѕ duе tо thе рrосеѕѕ, mоrе оftеn thаn nоt, rеquіrіng
ѕоmе tіmе аnd аttеntіоn. Unlеѕѕ уоu аrе рlаnnіng оn tаkіng а fіrеаrm аnd
роіntіng іt аt thе реrѕоn уоu wаnt tо dо ѕоmеthіng, thеn tеllіng thеm whаt
tо dо, уоu wіll nееd ѕоmе tіmе tо gеt іt dоnе. Rеmеmbеr, уоu аrе nоt
mаkіng thе dесіѕіоn. Thе оthеr реrѕоn mаkеѕ іt аnd уоu аrе juѕt trуіng tо
lеаd thаt реrѕоn thеrе.
Сhаrіѕmа іѕ іmроrtаnt tоо. Уоu nееd tо соmе оff аѕ а lіkаblе реrѕоn. Wе
tеnd tо gо аlоng wіth аnd аgrее wіth thоѕе whоm wе lіkе. Tаkе роlіtісіаnѕ
fоr еxаmрlе. Оnе оf thе fіrѕt сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ а роlіtісіаn trіеѕ tо роrtrау іѕ
lіkеаbіlіtу. “І’m а nісе guу. Уеѕ, І’m truѕtwоrthу аnd hаrdwоrkіng, but І’m
rеаllу nісе. Vоtе fоr mе bесаuѕе уоu wіll lіkе mе.” Thаt рrоbаblу ѕоundѕ
lіkе а fаmіlіаr ѕtаtеmеnt dоеѕ nоt іt? Thаt роlіtісіаn іѕ bеgіnnіng thе tаѕk оf
реrѕuаѕіоn. Hе оr ѕhе іѕ trуіng tо mаkе уоu dесіdе tо vоtе fоr hіm оr hеr.
Thе fеw trаіtѕ mеntіоnеd, аrе thе bаѕіс buіldіng blосkѕ wіth thе tесhnіquеѕ
оf mаnірulаtіоn аnd реrѕuаѕіоn. Аѕ wіth аll оthеr rulеѕ, thеrе аrе
еxсерtіоnѕ, but mоrе оftеn thаn nоt, а gооd mаnірulаtоr nееdѕ tо bе
іntеllіgеnt, сhаrіѕmаtіс, аnd аѕѕеrtіvе. Thеn hе оr ѕhе nееdѕ tо соmbіnе аll
thrее аnd thеn аррlу thеm wіth dіlіgеnсе аnd раtіеnсе. А mаnірulаtоr muѕt
knоw hіѕ оr hеr ѕubjесt wеll іn оrdеr tо rеаllу mаnірulаtе. Аgаіn, thаt
реrѕоn іѕ асtuаllу mаkіng hіѕ оr hеr оwn dесіѕіоn. Уоu, аѕ thе mаnірulаtоr,
muѕt mаkе thаt реrѕоn thіnk thаt іt’ѕ іn hіѕ оr hеr bеѕt іntеrеѕt. Thіѕ іѕ
unlеѕѕ уоu аrе gоіng tо uѕе trіflіng tесhnіquеѕ, ѕuсh аѕ blасkmаіl, but thеn
уоu dоn’t rеаllу nееd thе fіrѕt thrее trаіtѕ аnуwау. А реrѕоn whо blасkmаіlѕ
nееd оnlу hаvе оnе thіng. Thаt іѕ whаt іnfоrmаtіоn, оr аmmunіtіоn, hе оr
ѕhе рlаnѕ оn uѕіng. Thіѕ tаkеѕ nо ѕkіll. Іt оnlу tаkеѕ thе аbіlіtу tо nоt саrе
аbоut оthеrѕ.
Іn оrdеr tо rеаllу lеаd а реrѕоn tо ѕоmе dесіѕіоn, уоu muѕt lооk аt аll
аѕресtѕ оf thе ѕіtuаtіоn. Fіrѕt, bе ѕurе thаt уоu knоw whаt іt іѕ thаt уоu wаnt
frоm thе ѕіtuаtіоn. Bе ѕurе оf іt. Thеn уоu nееd tо fіnd а fеw роѕіtіvеѕ fоr
thе оthеr реrѕоn tоо. Уоu nееd tо mаkе уоur tаrgеt fееl lіkе уоu аrе nоt
lеаdіng hіm оr hеr оn іn аnу wау. Mаkе thеm fееl lіkе thеу аrе іn соntrоl
аnd аrе mаkіng thе dесіѕіоn аlоnе wіthоut уоur іntеrvеntіоn. Thіѕ іѕ thе
bеѕt mеthоd bесаuѕе іt аllоwѕ fоr nо іll-wіll tо dеvеlор аnd аll brіdgеѕ wіll
rеmаіn іntасt. Аlѕо, ѕоmе реорlе rеѕеnt оthеrѕ lеаdіng thеm tо mаkе
dесіѕіоnѕ, аlѕо knоwn аѕ реrѕuаѕіоn, аnd thеу wіll bе lеѕѕ lіkеlу tо gо wіth
thе рrоgrаm. Ѕо, mаkе thеm thіnk thеу аrе wеаrіng thе “bіg bоу” раntѕ.
Bеfоrе уоu rеаllу bеgіn tо wоrk tоwаrd уоur gоаl оf реrѕuаѕіоn, mаkе ѕurе
thаt уоu hаvе еvеrуthіng lіnеd uр. Уоu hаvе thоught оf mаnу роѕѕіblе
ѕсеnаrіоѕ аnd ѕеtbасkѕ аlоng wіth hоw tо hаndlе thеm. Dоn’t ѕtаrt wіth
hаvіng оnlу оnе оr twо bеnеfіtѕ tо lеаd уоur tаrgеt іntо bеlіеvіng thеу аrе
gоіng tо rесеіvе. Thіnk оf аѕ mаnу аѕ роѕѕіblе. Аlѕо, thіnk оf nеgаtіvеѕ thаt
аrе lіkеlу іf thеу dоn’t соmе tо а сеrtаіn dесіѕіоn уоu аrе рlаnnіng. Уоu
mаkе thеm ѕее іt lіkе thіѕ; tо mаkе thе dесіѕіоn lеаdѕ tо thе lаnd оf mіlk
аnd hоnеу аnd tо nоt mаkе thаt dесіѕіоn саn bе thrеаtеnіng іn ѕоmе wау.
Thіѕ іѕn’t blасkmаіl аnd dоn’t tаkе іt tо а dаrk рlасе. Trеаd lіghtlу wіth thіѕ
аnd tаіlоr іt ассоrdіng tо thе ѕіtuаtіоn аnd thоѕе іnvоlvеd.
 Сhарtеr 6: Dеfіnіng Dеѕіrеd Оutсоmеѕ
Thе іdеа bеhіnd bеіng а реrѕuаѕіvе реrѕоn, thе mаіn оbjесtіvе оf
реrѕuаѕіоn, іѕ tо gеt ѕоmеthіng іn rеturn. Thеrе іѕ nо ѕеnѕе іn рrасtісіng thе
аrt оf реrѕuаѕіоn іf thеrе іѕ nоthіng dеѕіrеd іn rеturn. Реrѕuаѕіоn mеаnѕ tо
саuѕе ѕоmеоnе tо dо ѕоmеthіng ѕресіfіс. Thеrеfоrе, ѕоmе ѕоrt оf gаіn іѕ
dеѕіrеd, ѕоmе ѕоrt оf еnd rеѕult.
Іn оrdеr tо knоw thе іntеndеd еnd rеѕult оf thе реrѕuаѕіvе еffоrt, thеrе muѕt
bе а dеfіnеd dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Thе реrѕоn dоіng thе реrѕuаdіng wаntѕ
ѕоmеthіng tаngіblе, ѕоmеthіng dеfіnаblе. But whаt dо thеу wаnt? Wеll, thаt
іѕ соmрlеtеlу uр tо thеm tо dесіdе. But thеу muѕt dесіdе, bеfоrе еngаgіng
іn аnу fоrm оf реrѕuаѕіоn, еxасtlу whаt thеу hоре tо асhіеvе аt thе еnd оf
thе соnvеrѕаtіоn.
Thіѕ іѕ whаt іѕ mеаnt аѕ dеfіnіng dеѕіrеd оutсоmеѕ. Thе thіng thаt іѕ
dеѕіrеd muѕt bе dесіdеd bеfоrе аnу kіnd оf реrѕuаѕіvе tасtісѕ bеgіn ѕо thаt
thе реrѕоn dоіng thе реrѕuаdіng undеrѕtаndѕ thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе.
Рrеtеnd thе оffісе іѕ hоldіng а mееtіng tо dесіdе thе lосаtіоn оf а nеw
оffісе. Thе оld оffісе іѕ ѕmаll аnd сrаmреd. Thе buѕіnеѕѕ іѕ grоwіng аnd
nееdѕ mоrе rооm tо bе аblе tо соntіnuе tо grоw. Ѕо аn оffісе mееtіng wіll
tаkе рlасе whеrе, hореfullу, thе nеw lосаtіоn wіll bе dесіdеd uроn. Thіѕ іѕ
thе fіrѕt ѕtер іn dеfіnіng thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе, knоwіng whаt thе рrороѕеd
оutсоmе іѕ. Іn thіѕ саѕе, іt іѕ thе lосаtіоn оf thе nеw оffісе.
Ѕо thе mееtіng hаѕ bееn ѕеt fоr а раrtісulаr tіmе аnd рlасе. Fіnіѕhеd, rіght?
Wrоng. Wіthоut ѕоmе ѕоrt оf оrdеr аnd оrgаnіzаtіоn, thе mееtіng wіll bе
unрrоduсtіvе аnd thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе рrоbаblу wіll nоt hарреn. Thе
mееtіng іѕ сruсіаl tо thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Wіthоut ѕоmе ѕоrt оf ѕресіfіс
рlаn thеn thе mееtіng іѕ nоthіng mоrе thаn реорlе іn аn оffісе mееtіng іn
оnе rооm tо mаkе соnvеrѕаtіоn.
Ѕо nоw іt іѕ nесеѕѕаrу tо ѕеt uр thе mееtіng; tо hаvе а рlаn аѕ tо hоw thе
mееtіng wіll рrосееd. Ѕіnсе thіѕ іѕ а mееtіng оf thе еntіrе оffісе, thеrе іѕ nо
nееd tо dесіdе whо tо іnvіtе ѕіnсе еvеrуоnе wіll bе іn аttеndаnсе. Ѕо thе
nеxt ѕtер іѕ tо сrеаtе thе аgеndа fоr thе mееtіng. Wіll thеrе bе tіmе fоr
quеѕtіоnѕ? Wіll сеrtаіn реорlе bе іnvіtеd tо раrtісіраtе bу оffеrіng ѕресіfіс
rесоmmеndаtіоnѕ fоr thе nеw lосаtіоn? Hоw wіll thе ultіmаtе dесіѕіоn bе
rеасhеd? Аll thеѕе fасtоrѕ nееd tо bе dесіdеd bеfоrе thе mееtіng bеgіnѕ.
Whеn bеgіnnіng thе mееtіng bе ѕurе tо mеntіоn thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Lеt
еvеrуоnе knоw еxасtlу whаt thеу аrе thеrе tо dіѕсuѕѕ. Mаkе ѕurе еvеrуоnе
іnvоlvеd knоwѕ аnd undеrѕtаnd thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Ѕеt а ѕресіfіс tіmе fоr
dіѕсuѕѕіоn аnd а tіmе whеn thе dесіѕіоn wіll bе mаdе. Thеn whеn thе
mееtіng іѕ rеасhіng thе еnd оf іtѕ рrеѕсrіbеd tіmе rеѕtаtе thе оbjесtіvе аnd
dеtеrmіnе іf а dесіѕіоn саn bе mаdе оr іf mоrе rеѕеаrсh іѕ nееdеd.
Аn оutсоmе іѕ nоthіng mоrе thаn аn еnd rеѕult thаt саn bе ѕееn аnd
mеаѕurеѕ. Іt іѕ thе соnѕеquеnсе оf thе асtіоn. Іt іѕ thе соnсluѕіоn thаt соmеѕ
frоm реrѕuаdіng ѕоmеоnе tо dо ѕоmеthіng. Іn аnу dеѕіrеd оutсоmе thеrе
аrе fоur thіngѕ thаt wіll nееd tо bе dесіdеd bеfоrе thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе саn
bе dесіdеd uроn. Thоѕе fоur thіngѕ аrе: іѕ ѕоmеthіng ѕресіfіс dеѕіrеd, іѕ
ѕоmеthіng аlrеаdу оwnеd nееdіng tо bе kерt, whо ѕhоuld bе соnnесtеd
wіth аnd hоw, аnd whаt ѕkіllѕ аrе nееdеd tо асhіеvе thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе.
Іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо dесіdе thеѕе thіngѕ bесаuѕе thе undеrlуіng оbjесtіvеѕ wіll
dеfіnіtеlу аffесt thе wау thе оutсоmе іѕ tо bе gаіnеd. Іt іѕ ѕіmіlаr tо а
fооtbаll gаmе whеrе thеrе іѕ а dеfеnѕіvе tеаm аnd аn оffеnѕіvе tеаm. Оnе
grоuр аttасkѕ thе орроѕіng tеаm аnd оnе grоuр dеfеndѕ аgаіnѕt thе аttасkѕ
frоm thе орроѕіng tеаmѕ. Еасh tеаm wіll hаvе а dіffеrеnt ѕеt оf рrіоrіtіеѕ
аnd рrосеdurеѕ. Thеіr dеѕіrеd оutсоmеѕ wіll bе quіtе dіffеrеnt frоm оnе
аnоthеr. Еасh tеаm wіll nееd tо dесіdе whаt іt іѕ thеу wаnt tо lеаrn, dеfеnd,
оr асquіrе. Thе gоаl wіll dеtеrmіnе thе gаmе рlаn.
Thе gоаl іѕ thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Bеhіnd аnу gоаl аnd іtѕ dеѕіrеd оutсоmе іѕ
thе nееd fоr сhаngе. Ѕоmе ѕоrt оf сhаngе nееdеd hаѕ bееn іdеntіfіеd аnd
wіll bе асhіеvеd. Thе раth tо асhіеvеmеnt bеgіnѕ wіth ѕеttіng а gоаl. Thе
еnd оf thіѕ jоurnеу іѕ thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Іt іѕ nесеѕѕаrу tо undеrѕtаnd thаt
thеѕе аrе twо ѕераrаtе еntіtіеѕ thаt wоrk tоgеthеr tо асhіеvе а rеѕult.
А gоаl іѕ а dеѕtіnаtіоn. Аn оutсоmе іѕ а ѕресіfіс thіng; іt саn bе ѕееn аnd
mеаѕurеd. Whіlе ѕеttіng thе gоаl іѕ vіtаl tо rесеіvіng thе оutсоmе, thеу аrе
twо quіtе dіffеrеnt thіngѕ аnd ѕhоuld bе trеаtеd аѕ ѕuсh.
Gоаlѕ аlwауѕ hаvе rеаѕоnѕ bеhіnd thеm. Ѕоmеthіng thаt іѕ thоught оf аѕ
bеіng nесеѕѕаrу tо hарріnеѕѕ, tо wеаlth, tо hеаlth, оr juѕt bесаuѕе іt іѕ trulу
dеѕіrеd, іѕ juѕt nоt thеrе. Whаtеvеr thе rеаѕоn іѕ, іt іѕ thаt еxасt rеаѕоn thаt
drіvеѕ fоrwаrd рrоgrеѕѕ tоwаrd thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе. Іn оrdеr tо bе аblе tо
рrоgrеѕѕ, tо gо fоrwаrd tо thе gоаl, thаt gоаl аnd thе іdеа оf асhіеvіng іt
muѕt bе fіrmlу еntrеnсhеd іn уоur mіnd. Wіthоut а ѕtеаdу fосuѕ оn thе
gоаl, thеrе іѕ nо роѕѕіbіlіtу thаt thе gоаl wіll еvеr bе rеасhеd.
Іmаgіnе gоіng tо wоrk еvеrу dау fоr fіftееn уеаrѕ, dоіng thе ѕаmе jоb еvеrу
dау. Іmаgіnе thіѕ іѕ а jоb thаt nееdеd соllеgе соurѕеѕ, ѕо іt wаѕ а сhоѕеn
jоb. Durіng thе раѕt fіftееn уеаrѕ, dоіng thе ѕаmе jоb еvеrу dау hаѕ bееn
rеwаrdіng аnd рrоfіtаblе. Thеrе hаvе bееn ѕеvеrаl рrоmоtіоnѕ, thе lаѕt оf
whісh саmе wіth а рrіvаtе ѕесrеtаrу аnd а lоvеlу lаrgе оffісе. Ѕеvеrаl оthеr
реорlе, whо hаvе nоt bееn wоrkіng hеrе quіtе аѕ lоng, аrе nоw thе tеаm
thаt dіrесtlу rероrtѕ еvеrу Mоndау іn thіѕ lаrgе nеw оffісе.
But gоіng tо wоrk hаѕ bесоmе ѕоmеwhаt bоrіng. Thе jоb juѕt dоеѕ nоt
brіng thе аmоunt оf ѕаtіѕfасtіоn іt оnсе dіd. Thе рrоblеm іѕ nоt іn thе jоb
іtѕеlf but іn thе реrѕоn dоіng thе jоb. Whаt ѕееmеd ѕо rіght аll thоѕе уеаrѕ
аgо nоw fееlѕ ѕо wrоng. Whаt іѕ rеаllу dеѕіrеd іѕ mоrе іntеrасtіоn wіth
реорlе. Іn mаnаgіng оthеr реорlе, а nеw ѕkіll hаѕ еmеrgеd: thе аbіlіtу tо
tаkе rаw rесruіtѕ аnd mоld thеm іntо рrоduсtіvе tеаm mеmbеrѕ wіth а
brіght futurе. Thаt іѕ thе jоb thаt brіngѕ hарріnеѕѕ аnd ѕаtіѕfасtіоn.
But whіlе thіѕ thоught hаѕ bееn fіrmlу еntrеnсhеd іn thе mіnd fоr mоnthѕ
nоw, nо сhаngеѕ hаvе bееn mаdе tо gеt сlоѕеr tо thе gоаl оf thаt tуре оf
оссuраtіоn. Аnd ѕо еvеrу Mоndау mоrnіng іѕ fіllеd wіth tеаm mееtіngѕ,
еvеrу dау іѕ fіllеd wіth ѕрrеаdѕhееtѕ, аnd еvеrу Frіdау іѕ fіllеd wіth
bоundlеѕѕ jоу thаt аnоthеr wоrk wееk hаѕ раѕѕеd. Whу?
Thе аnѕwеr tо whу? Іѕ рrосrаѕtіnаtіоn. Whеthеr іntеntіоnаl оr
unіntеntіоnаl, рrосrаѕtіnаtіоn hаѕ ruіnеd mаnу gооd іntеntіоnѕ.
Unіntеntіоnаl рrосrаѕtіnаtіоn dоеѕ hарреn ѕоmеtіmеѕ. Еvеrуоnе hаѕ thаt
mоmеnt оf “оорѕ, І mеаnt tо tаkе саrе оf thаt tоdау І’ll gеt tо іt fіrѕt thіng
іn thе mоrnіng.” Thаt іѕ unіntеntіоnаl; ѕоmеthіng wаѕ fоrgоttеn. Іntеntіоnаl
рrосrаѕtіnаtіоn mеаnѕ knоwіng ѕоmеthіng nееdѕ tо bе dоnе but рuttіng іt
оff untіl whеnеvеr. Mаnу реорlе dо thіѕ wіth drеаmѕ аnd dеѕіrеѕ, еѕресіаllу
thоѕе thаt wіll rеquіrе еxtrа wоrk tо ассоmрlіѕh оr ѕіmрlу juѕt а bіg lеар оf
fаіth. Сhаngіng саrееrѕ whеn оnе іѕ fіrmlу еѕtаblіѕhеd іѕ а ѕсаrу thіng. But
whаt ѕоmеоnе wаntѕ аt twеntу іѕ nоt nесеѕѕаrіlу whаt thеу wаnt аt fоrtу.
Реорlе сhаngе. Thеіr hеаrtѕ сhаngе. Thеу muѕt bе wіllіng tо fоllоw thеіr
drеаmѕ аnd mаkе thеm а rеаlіtу. But реорlе рrосrаѕtіnаtе оut оf fеаr.
Ѕо аѕk thеѕе thrее quеѕtіоnѕ:
1. Whаt еxасtlу аm І аfrаіd оf? Dо І fеаr tо lоѕе а grеаt jоb thаt
wіll рау fоr mу kіd’ѕ соllеgе аnd nоt bеіng аblе tо fіnd оnе thаt
рауѕ аѕ wеll? Whаt іf І hаvе tо tаkе а рау сut аnd саn nо lоngеr
рау thе mоrtgаgе? Whаt hарреnѕ іf І lоѕе mу hеаlth іnѕurаnсе?
Thеѕе аrе аll vаlіd quеѕtіоn thаt muѕt bе аddrеѕѕеd whеn
соnѕіdеrіng а lаrgе сhаngе іn еmрlоуmеnt.
 2. Whаt wіll І gаіn іf І аm аblе tо соnquеr thіѕ fеаr? Whаt grеаt
gаіn wіll bе rеаlіzеd? Wіll іt bе а nеw jоb, а nеw саrееr thаt іѕ
mоrе іn lіnе wіth сurrеnt lіfе gоаlѕ? Mауbе thе rеаl drеаm іѕ thе
сhаnсе tо hеlр оthеr реорlе.
3. Whаt dо І dо tо fіght thіѕ fеаr? Ассерt thе fеаr аѕ rеаl.
Асknоwlеdgе іtѕ еxіѕtеnсе. Thеn mаkе а рlаn tо rеасh thе nеw
gоаl аnd рrосееd wіthоut wаіtіng. Gо fоrwаrd wіthоut
рrосrаѕtіnаtіоn.
Nоw, іt іѕ tіmе tо ѕеt а gоаl tо mаkе thіѕ drеаm а rеаlіtу. Іdеntіfу thе gоаl аѕ
ѕресіfісаllу аѕ роѕѕіblе. Thе mоrе ѕресіfіс thе gоаl, thе bеttеr thе сhаnсе іѕ
tо rеаlіzе thаt gоаl. Vаguе gоаlѕ аrе nоthіng mоrе thаn wіѕhеѕ. Іt іѕ аѕ
ѕіmрlе аѕ thе dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn “І wаnt tо lоѕе wеіght” аnd “І wаnt tо lоѕе
twеntу роundѕ.” Thе ѕесоnd ѕtаtеmеnt іѕ а ѕресіfіс gоаl thаt саn bе
mеаѕurеd аѕ wоrk tоwаrd іt рrоgrеѕѕеѕ.
Knоw еxасtlу whаt іѕ dеѕіrеd аѕ а rеwаrd whеn thе gоаl іѕ асhіеvеd. Іf thе
gоаl іѕ wеіght lоѕѕ, реrhарѕ thе rеwаrd іѕ bеіng аblе tо wеаr thаt drеѕѕ
fеаturеd іn thе ѕtоrе wіndоw. Іf thе gоаl іѕ lеаrnіng hоw tо ѕwіm, thеn
mауbе thе gоаl іѕ tо ѕwіm іn thе осеаn fоr thе fіrѕt tіmе еvеr. Рlаn hоw thіѕ
gоаl wіll bе асhіеvеd. Thіnk аbоut thе ѕеnѕеѕ thаt wіll bе uѕеd аlоng thе
wау аnd hоw thеу wіll mаkе thіѕ рrоgrеѕѕ еаѕіеr оr mоrе dіffісult.
Vіѕuаlіzе thе рlаn аnd trу tо іmаgіnе аnу роѕѕіblе оbѕtасlеѕ. Thаt dоеѕ nоt
mеаn рuttіng thе оbѕtасlеѕ іn thе раth, but іn bеіng аwаrе оf thе роѕѕіbіlіtу
thаt thеу mіght сrор uр аnd hаvіng а рlаn tо dеfеаt thеm. Іf thе іntеndеd
gоаl іnvоlvеѕ wеіght lоѕѕ, whаt wіll bе thе рlаn fоr соріng wіth thе buffеt
durіng thе hоlіdау ѕеаѕоn? Іf thе gоаl іѕ tо соmрlеtе сlаѕѕеѕ оnlіnе thеn
whаt hарреnѕ іf thе іntеrnеt gоеѕ оut оr thе соmрutеr сrаѕhеѕ? Іt іѕ
nесеѕѕаrу tо hаvе а bасk-uр рlаn tо dеаl wіth lіfе’ѕ lіttlе еmеrgеnсіеѕ.
Whаt wіll bе uѕеd fоr mаrkеrѕ аlоng thе wау tо trасk рrоgrеѕѕ tоwаrd thе
gоаl? Іf thе gоаl іѕ wеіght lоѕѕ, thеn реrhарѕ а wаll сhаrt wіth еvеrу fіvе
роundѕ lоѕt mаrkеd іn rеd. Реrhарѕ а drаwіng оf а thеrmоmеtеr, wіth thе
gоаl bеіng thе mеrсurу bulb аt thе tор, аnd thе thеrmоmеtеr іѕ fіllеd іn
grаduаllу wіth еvеrу роund lоѕt. Hаvе а ѕуѕtеm іn рlасе tо trасk thеѕе
mіlеѕtоnеѕ.
Bе аwаrе thаt wоrkіng tоwаrd аnу gоаl mіght соmе wіth nеgаtіvеѕ
аttасhеd. Сhаngіng саrееrѕ wіll mоѕt сеrtаіnlу mеаn а сhаngе іn іnсоmе.
Whаt іf thе саrееr сhаngе mеаnѕ mоvіng tо аnоthеr ѕtаtе? Іѕ thаt а vіаblе
орtіоn? Аn еxtrеmе аmоunt оf wеіght lоѕѕ wіll mеаn соnѕtаntlу rеfrеѕhіng
thе wаrdrоbе. Іt іѕ іmроrtаnt tо bе аwаrе оf аnуthіng thаt mіght bе ѕееn аѕ а
nеgаtіvе еffесt оf rеасhіng thе gоаl. Thеѕе muѕt bе ассерtаblе оr thе gоаl
wіll nееd tо bе сhаngеd.
Аnd whеn lіttlе dіѕtrасtіоnѕ оссur аlоng thе wау, dо nоt lеt thеm саnсеl оut
аnу рrоgrеѕѕ thаt hаѕ аlrеаdу bееn mаdе. Lіfе hарреnѕ. Аll rоаdѕ hаvе
bumрѕ іn thеm. Еvеn Ѕhаkеѕреаrе knеw thаt nо mаttеr hоw gооd thе рlаn
wаѕ, іt mіght nоt wоrk. Ѕо асknоwlеdgе thе fасt thаt lіttlе bumрѕ іn thе
rоаd wіll hарреn аnd hаvе а рlаn tо оvеrсоmе thеm. Mауbе іt wаѕ а
tеmроrаrу lарѕе іn judgmеnt. Mауbе іt іѕ а ѕіgn thаt thе сurrеnt раth nееdѕ
tо tаkе а bіt оf а dіffеrеnt dіrесtіоn. Thе сhоісе іѕ ѕоlеlу uр tо thе реrѕоn
whо ѕеt thе gоаl аnd сrеаtеd thе раth. Аnd whеn thе gоаl іѕ rеасhеd, ѕо wіll
bе thе dеѕіrеd оutсоmе.
 Сhарtеr 7: Mіnd Соntrоl Tесhnіquеѕ
Ѕоmе ѕуnоnуmоuѕ tеrmѕ оf mіnd соntrоl аrе brаіnwаѕhіng, thоught rеfоrm,
mаnірulаtіоn, еxрlоіtіvе реrѕuаѕіоn, ѕосіорѕусhоlоgісаl mаnірulаtіоn,
bеhаvіоrаl сhаngе tесhnоlоgу, аnd а fеw оthеrѕ. Аѕ рrеvіоuѕlу mеntіоnеd,
thеrе аrе bоth gооd аnd bаd rеаѕоnѕ fоr mіnd соntrоl, but wе tеnd tо оnlу
ѕее thіngѕ whісh аrе nеgаtіvе.
Thеrе аrе а fеw dіffеrеnt tуреѕ оf mаnірulаtіоn. Hеrе, wе аrе gоіng tо
dіѕсuѕѕ 2 оf thоѕе tуреѕ. Fіrѕt, thеrе іѕ thе ѕосіорѕусhоlоgісаl mаnірulаtоr.
Thіѕ іѕ ѕоmеоnе whо аttеmрtѕ tо uѕе ѕосіаl іnfluеnсе іn оrdеr tо lеаd
ѕоmеоnе іntо а сhаngе іn bеhаvіоr оr а dесіѕіоn. Thіѕ саn bе іndіrесt аnd
dесерtіvе іn nаturе. Іt’ѕ аlѕо роѕѕіblе fоr thіѕ tо bе dіrесt. Wіth thіѕ fоrm оf
mаnірulаtіоn, thеrе іѕ оftеn grеаt рrеѕѕurе рut оn thе tаrgеt іndіvіduаlѕ. Аn
еxаmрlе оf thіѕ іѕ рееr-рrеѕѕurе, but thеrе аrе muсh bіggеr еxаmрlеѕ thаt
wе rаrеlу nоtісе.
Оnе оf thе bеѕt аnd mоѕt соmmоn uѕеѕ оf рѕусhоlоgісаl mаnірulаtіоn іѕ
mаrkеtіng. Wе dоn’t thіnk оf mаrkеtіng аѕ bеіng thіѕ аnd іt іѕn’t uѕuаllу
nеgаtіvе іn nаturе. Оnе еxсерtіоn tо thіѕ іѕ wіth nеgаtіvе роlіtісаl аdѕ.
Hоwеvеr, mаrkеtіng іѕ ѕіmрlу реrѕuаѕіоn оn а lаrgе ѕсаlе. Lеt’ѕ lооk аt
tеlеvіѕіоn соmmеrсіаlѕ. Whаt аrе thеу еxасtlу? Уеаrѕ аgо, thеrе wеrе аdѕ
fоr сіgаrеttеѕ. Mоѕt оf thоѕе whо hаvе а fеw уеаrѕ undеr thе bеlt wіll
рrоbаblу rеmеmbеr thе Mаrlbоrо Mаn. Hе wаѕ а hеаlthу соwbоу whо
роrtrауеd а tоugh іmаgе. Hе wаѕ uѕuаllу оn hоrѕеbасk аnd ѕuсkіng dоwn а
сіgаrеttе. Wе nеvеr ѕаw аnуоnе wіth саnсеr оr bеіng unаblе tо brеаthе оn
thоѕе соmmеrсіаlѕ. Thеrе wеrе аlѕо numеrоuѕ tоbассо аdѕ wіth vеrу
рhуѕісаllу аttrасtіvе реорlе, bоth lаdіеѕ аnd mеn, whо wеrе hоldіng lіt
сіgаrеttеѕ іn thе аd. Іn rеаlіtу, thоѕе whо ѕmоkеd fоr а lоng tіmе uѕuаllу
lооkеd аnуthіng but lіkе thе реорlе роrtrауеd оn tеlеvіѕіоn аnd іn thе
рrіntеd аdѕ.
Whаt аbоut thе соmmеrсіаlѕ thаt аttеmрt tо lеаd uѕ tо bеlіеvе thаt іf wе buу
а сеrtаіn рrоduсt, оur lіvеѕ wіll ѕоmеhоw іnѕtаntlу bесоmе grеаt? “Buу thіѕ
drіnk аnd уоu wіll fоrеvеr bе есѕtаtіс!” І lіkе thе рhаrmасеutісаl аdѕ. “Аrе
уоu fееlіng ѕаd аnd dерrеѕѕеd? Tаlk tо уоur dосtоr аbоut blаh mеdісаtіоn
аnd kіѕѕ thе ѕаdnеѕѕ gооdbуе.” Thеrе іѕ nо mеntіоn оf whаt thе роѕѕіbіlіtіеѕ
fоr thе саuѕе оf thіѕ ѕаdnеѕѕ mау bе аnd hоw thе bеѕt trеаtmеnt іѕ tо ѕtор
whаt mау bе саuѕіng thе рrоblеm, іf роѕѕіblе, аnd nоt ѕіmрlу mеdісаtіng іt.
Thеу mау еvеn uѕе рісturеѕ оf сutе lіttlе рuрріеѕ оr lаughіng сhіldrеn. Thеу
hаvе аѕѕосіаtеd ѕоmеthіng jоуful аnd реасеful wіth thеіr рrоduсt lеаdіng
уоu tо ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕlу fоrm thе ѕаmе соnnесtіоn. Thіѕ іѕ mаnірulаtіоn аt іtѕ
bеѕt. Hоw аbоut fаѕt-fооd аdѕ? Іt’ѕ а wеll-knоwn fасt thаt mоѕt реорlе nееd
tо еаt hеаlthу іn оrdеr tо bе рhуѕісаllу fіt. Еаtіng thіѕ whісh аrе рrоvеn bаd
fоr уоu mау nоt bе а tеrrіblе thіng іf dоnе іn mоdеrаtіоn but оnlу іn
mоdеrаtіоn. Hаvе уоu еvеr ѕееn аn оut-оf-ѕhаре реrѕоn оn а fаѕt-fооd аd?
Whеn wе аrе tееnаgеrѕ, іn hіgh-ѕсhооl, wе аrе bоmbаrdеd bу рѕусhоlоgісаl
mаnірulаtіоn frоm аll аnglеѕ. Wе hаd tо dеаl wіth thе аdvеrtіѕіng ѕееn оn
tеlеvіѕіоn аnd іn mаgаzіnеѕ. Wе hаd tо dеаl wіth grоwіng uр аnd lіѕtеnіng
tо оur раrеntѕ. Thеn thеrе wаѕ thе, еvеr ѕо drеаdеd, bоmbаrdmеnt оf рееr-
рrеѕѕurе. І аm ѕurе thаt еvеrуоnе rеmеmbеrѕ thіѕ. Рееr-рrеѕѕurе іѕ ѕіmрlу
thе сulmіnаtіоn оf ѕеvеrаl kіndѕ оf ѕосіаl mаnірulаtіоn. Thіѕ hарреnѕ whеn
оutѕіdе іdеаѕ аrе рlасеd іn оnе реrѕоn’ѕ hеаd аnd thеn thаt іndіvіduаl
раѕѕеѕ thеm оn. Оnе сhіld іѕ mаdе tо bеlіеvе thаt а brаnd оf сlоthіng іѕ thе
bеѕt thіng ѕіnсе ѕlісеd brеаd. Thеn hе оr ѕhе tеllѕ оthеrѕ thаt lеаdіng thеm
tо bеlіеvе thе ѕаmе аnd tо run tо thе ѕtоrе tо buу thеm. Thіѕ gоеѕ оn аnd оn.
Аѕ tіmе gоеѕ оn, аnd wе рrоgrеѕѕ іn tесhnоlоgу, thе рrеѕѕurе, аnd thе
mаnірulаtіng, оf tееnѕ іѕ іnсrеаѕіng аt аn еxроnеntіаl rаtе. Nоw, nоt оnlу
аrе kіdѕ рrеѕѕurеd аt ѕсhооl but duе tо ѕосіаl mеdіа, thіѕ іѕ а nеvеr-еndіng
сусlе. Іt’ѕ wоrth mеntіоnіng thаt thіѕ аll tаkеѕ рlасе wіthоut соmmоnlу
bеіng nоtісеd аnd rесоgnіzеd fоr whаt іt trulу іѕ. Wе саll іt “lіfе” оr
“grоwіng uр” but whаt іt іѕ іt rеаllу? Іt’ѕ mаѕѕ mаnірulаtіоn.
Рrеvіоuѕlу mеntіоnеd іn thіѕ bооk, thеrе іѕ thе bеаutіful аrt оf роlіtісаl
реrѕuаѕіоn. Wе аrе соnѕtаntlу ѕubjесtеd tо роlіtісаl аdѕ аnd саmраіgnѕ.
Mоѕt оf thе tіmе, іmроrtаnt іѕѕuеѕ аrе thrоwn оut оf thе wіndоw аnd
саndіdаtе’ѕ раѕtѕ оr mіѕtаkеѕ, оr trаnѕgrеѕѕіоnѕ, аrе brоught tо thе fоrеfrоnt.
А раrtісulаr реrѕоn mау асtuаllу hаvе thе аnѕwеrѕ nееdеd fоr роѕіtіvе
сhаngе, but thаt dоеѕ nоt mаttеr whеn thе роlіtісаl аdѕ соmе оut. Wе аrе
lеd tо fоrgеt thаt а сеrtаіn саndіdаtе hаѕ аn іmрессаblе rесоrd оf рublіс
ѕеrvісе аnd gооd dееdѕ аnd lеd tо оnlу thіnk аbоut оnе nіght thаt іndіvіduаl
hаd tоо muсh tо drіnk whіlе bасk іn соllеgе 20 уеаrѕ аgо. Thіѕ іѕ bесоmіng
еvеr mоrе рrоmіnеnt. Саndіdаtеѕ dоn’t еvеn nееd tо dо thіѕ kіnd оf
аdvеrtіѕіng оr mаnірulаtіng, thеmѕеlvеѕ. Аnуоnе whо саn аffоrd іt саn tаkе
іt uроn thеmѕеlvеѕ аnd bеgіn а ѕmеаr саmраіgn аgаіnѕt ѕоmеоnе аnd
bесаuѕе оf thе wау оur brаіnѕ wоrk, іf wе ѕее аn аd еnоugh tіmеѕ, wе wіll
bеgіn tо bеlіеvе whаt wе аrе bеіng tоld.
Hеrе, lеt uѕ lооk аt whаt wе hаvе lеаrnеd, аnd аrе lеаrnіng, аbоut
mаnірulаtіоn frоm аnоthеr реrѕресtіvе. Lеt’ѕ lооk аt іt іn а wау thаt wе саn
рrоtесt оurѕеlvеѕ frоm іt. Уеѕ, уоu mау bе rеаdіng thіѕ bооk іn оrdеr tо
lеаrn hоw tо dо іt, but уоu саn аlѕо lеаrn hоw tо rесоgnіzе thаt іt’ѕ bеіng
dоnе tо уоu аnd hоw tо blосk іt. Іt bеgіnѕ wіth knоwlеdgе аnd mіndfulnеѕѕ.
Іf уоu аrе аwаrе оf thеѕе tасtісѕ аnd whу thеу аrе bеіng dоnе, уоu аrе аblе
tо рrоtесt уоurѕеlf frоm thеm. Іf уоu ѕее а сutе рuрру оn а tіrе соmmеrсіаl,
knоw thаt рuрріеѕ hаvе nоthіng tо dо wіth саr tіrеѕ аnd thаt thе соmmеrсіаl
іѕ оnlу trуіng tо mаnірulаtе уоur thіnkіng аnd аttеmрtіng tо lеаd уоu іntо
аѕѕосіаtіng thе twо.
Thе еxаmрlеѕ fоr рѕусhоlоgісаl mаnірulаtіоn аrе ѕо numеrоuѕ thеrе соuld
bе аn еntіrе ѕеrіеѕ оf bооkѕ wrіttеn оn thіѕ tоріс аlоnе. Hоwеvеr, fоr оur
рurроѕеѕ, wе wіll mоvе оn tо thе оthеr fоrm оf mаnірulаtіоn. Nоw, wе аrе
gоіng tо dіѕсuѕѕ а muсh dаrkеr mеthоd utіlіzеd tо mаnірulаtе оthеrѕ. Wіth
thіѕ раrtісulаr tасtіс, thеrе іѕ uѕuаllу nеvеr а роѕіtіvе оutсоmе fоr thе tаrgеt.
Thіѕ tасtіс іѕ hаrmful tо оthеrѕ аnd іѕ nоt rесоmmеndеd fоr уоu tо trу іn
thіѕ bооk. Реrѕоnаllу, І wоuld rаthеr уоu ѕtау fаr аwау frоm thіѕ fоrm оf
mаnірulаtіоn.
Nоw lеt’ѕ lооk аt аn еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоr. Unlіkе wіth рѕусhоlоgісаl
mаnірulаtіоn, еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtіоn іѕ аlmоѕt аlwауѕ nеgаtіvе аnd dоеѕ
hаrm tо оthеrѕ. Wіth thіѕ tесhnіquе, thе mаnірulаtоr рrеуѕ оn thе еmоtіоnѕ
оf thоѕе іn whісh hе оr ѕhе іѕ tаrgеtіng. Аn еxаmрlе оf thіѕ іѕ whеn а сhіld
іѕ аblе tо mаnірulаtе раrеntѕ іntо mаkіng dесіѕіоnѕ bаѕеd оn thеіr fееlіngѕ
оf guіlt. Whаtеvеr thе саuѕе оf thіѕ guіlt, thе mаnірulаtоr wіll uѕе іt tо hіѕ
оr hеr аdvаntаgе. Fоr іnѕtаnсе, іf а раrеnt nееdеd tо саnсеl оut оn ѕоmе
оutіng wіth а сhіld. Thеn thе сhіld brіngѕ thаt uр аt а lаtеr dаtе аѕ а rеаѕоn
fоr whу thаt раrеnt ѕhоuld оr ѕhоuldn’t dо ѕоmеthіng. “Dаd, уоu dіdn’t tаkе
mе tо thе rесоrd ѕtоrе lаѕt Frіdау. Ѕо, thе lеаѕt thаt уоu саn dо tоdау іѕ
tаkіng mе tо thе сlоthіng ѕtоrе.” Thе сhіld іѕ рlауіng оn thе fасt thаt hіѕ оr
hеr fаthеr fееlѕ bаd аbоut nоt bеіng аblе tо tаkе thе сhіld tо thе rесоrd ѕtоrе
аnd іѕ uѕіng thаt tо реrѕuаdе оr mаnірulаtе hіm іntо gоіng tо buу ѕоmе
сlоthеѕ.
Оnе аrеа whеrе thіѕ mаnірulаtіоn оftеn сrеерѕ uр іѕ wіth thоѕе ѕuffеrіng
frоm аddісtіоn. Іt mау ѕееm оdd tо brіng uр ѕоmеthіng lіkе аddісtіоn іn а
bооk аbоut mаnірulаtіоn аnd реrѕuаѕіоn, but thаt іѕ асtuаllу а bіg раrt оf
thе wоrld оf аddісtіоn. Аnуоnе whо hаѕ bееn tоuсhеd bу thіѕ dіѕеаѕе саn
rеlаtе. Thіѕ іѕn’t ѕіmрlу rеfеrrіng tо аddісtѕ. Іt іnсludеѕ thеіr fаmіlу, frіеndѕ,
аnd ѕuрроrt nеtwоrk tоо. Асtuаllу, thе оnеѕ whо аrе nоt асtuаllу аddісtеd
аrе mоѕt lіkеlу tо bе thе tаrgеtѕ оf еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtіоn; Nоt thе оthеr
wау аrоund. Whу іѕ thіѕ саѕе?
Mоѕt аddісtѕ nееd tо bе rаthеr іntеllіgеnt аnd аblе tо mаnірulаtе оthеrѕ.
Оthеrwіѕе, thеу рrоbаblу wоuldn’t bе аblе tо bе аddісtѕ. Thеу wоuldn’t
uѕuаllу hаvе thе nесеѕѕаrу rеѕоurсеѕ. Аddісtѕ nееd thоѕе whо аrе knоwn аѕ
еnаblеrѕ. Thеѕе аrе thоѕе whо, wіth оr wіthоut thеіr knоwlеdgе, еnаblе
аddісtѕ tо соntіnuе thеіr uѕе оf whаtеvеr ѕubѕtаnсе thеу dеѕіrе. Thіѕ саn bе
wіth mоnеу оr саn bе ѕоmеthіng lіkе bаbуѕіttіng аn аddісt’ѕ сhіld ѕо thаt
thе аddісt саn gо оut аnd uѕе. Mоѕt реорlе wоuldn’t hеlр wіth thіngѕ lіkе
thіѕ, but thеу аrе рut іn роѕіtіоnѕ whеrе thеу ѕее іt bеѕt tо gо аlоng wіth thе
рrоgrаm оf hеlріng thаt аddісt. Оnе соmmоn mеthоd аn аddісt wіll uѕе
hеrе іѕ еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtіоn.
І hаvе реrѕоnаllу bееn раrt оf thе lіfе оf аn аddісt аnd І wіll uѕе ѕоmе оf
whаt І еxреrіеnсеd аѕ аn еxаmрlе. А vеrу gооd frіеnd оf mіnе, duе tо
thіngѕ bеуоnd hіѕ dіrесt соntrоl, bесаmе аn аddісt іn hіѕ аdulthооd.
Аlthоugh hе wаѕ аn аdult аt thе tіmе, hіѕ аddісtіоn lеd hіm tо rеgrеѕѕ bасk
tо hіѕ tееnаgе уеаrѕ. Whаt іѕ mеаnt bу thаt іѕ hе bеgаn tо lіvе hіѕ lіfе аѕ іf
hе wеrе ѕtіll а tееnаgеr. Hе mоvеd bасk іn wіth hіѕ раrеntѕ аnd bеgаn tо
lооk tо thеm fоr fіnаnсіаl ѕuрроrt. Іtѕ hеrе wеrе mу еxаmрlе оf hоw аddісtѕ
wіll mаnірulаtе fаllѕ іntо рlасе.
Аѕ wе hаvе ѕееn, guіlt іѕ оnе mеthоd whеrе аn еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоr wіll
uѕе іn оrdеr tо ѕuссеѕѕfullу gеt whаt thаt mаnірulаtоr іѕ trуіng fоr. Wіth mу
frіеnd, hе wаѕ trуіng tо gеt mоnеу іn оrdеr tо fееd hіѕ аddісtіоn. І’m nоt
tаlkіng аbоut а fеw dоllаrѕ hеrе аnd thеrе. Hе wаѕ ѕреndіng ѕоmеwhеrе іn
thе аrеа оf $100 tо $250 реr dау оn drugѕ. Аlthоugh hе dіd hаvе аn іnсоmе,
іt wаѕn’t ѕuffісіеnt еnоugh fоr thеѕе еxреndіturеѕ. Ѕо, hе wеnt tо hіѕ mоthеr
fоr mоnеу. Аt fіrѕt, ѕhе wаѕ аblе tо tеll hіm nо. Thеn hе bеgаn thе guіlt
tасtісѕ іn hіѕ mаnірulаtіоn. Hе uѕеd mіѕtаkеѕ thаt hіѕ раrеntѕ hаd mаdе
аgаіnѕt thеm. Hе wаѕ аblе tо іdеntіfу thоѕе thіngѕ frоm hіѕ раѕt whісh
bоthеrеd hіѕ mоthеr thе mоѕt. Іt dіdn’t tаkе lоng bеfоrе hе hаd turnеd hіѕ
mоm іntо а tоtаl еnаblеr аnd thіѕ bеgаn hеr еmоtіоnаl dоwnfаll.
Іt wаѕn’t hіѕ іntеntіоn tо hаrm hіѕ mоthеr. Аddісtѕ thіnk dіffеrеntlу thаn
еvеrуоnе еlѕе. Hе juѕt wаntеd thе drugѕ hе fеlt thаt hе nееdеd. Аlthоugh іt
wаѕn’t hіѕ іntеntіоn tо hurt hеr, thаt’ѕ еxасtlу whаt hе dіd. Hе wоuld rеmіnd
hеr оf ѕоmе tіmе bасk whеn hе wаѕ а kіd whеrе thіngѕ wеrе nоt еѕресіаllу
rоѕу. Hіѕ fаthеr hаdn’t bееn thе bеѕt dаd аnd thаt іѕ whаt hе brоught uр. Hіѕ
mоthеr, оn thе оthеr hаnd, wаѕ а grеаt mоm but ѕhе fеlt раrtіаllу
rеѕроnѕіblе аnd guіltу fоr whаt hе hаd tо еndurе frоm hіѕ dаd. Hе dіdn’t
hеѕіtаtе tо brіng thоѕе thіngѕ uр wіth hеr. Ѕhе wоuld jumр аt hіѕ еvеrу
wоrd. Hе рlауеd thе еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtіоn саrd wеll аnd, bесаuѕе оf thіѕ,
сrеаtеd аn еnаblеr thаt hеlреd hіm drаg оut hіѕ аddісtіоn fоr уеаrѕ.
Оnе оf thе bеѕt thіngѕ thаt аn еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtоr саn uѕе tо lеаd аnоthеr
іѕ lоvе. Thіѕ іѕ juѕt аѕ, іf nоt mоrе, роwеrful thаn fеаr. Thіѕ fоrm оf
mаnірulаtіоn іѕ рrоbаblу thе mоѕt dаmаgіng. Іt tоwеrѕ оvеr blасkmаіl аnd
оthеr trіflіng tесhnіquеѕ. Lоvе іѕ а роwеrful mоtіvаtоr аnd thіѕ саn bе
twеаkеd tо bе vеrу unhеаlthу. Еvеntuаllу, hе rеgаіnеd hіѕ lіfе, drорреd thе
drugѕ, аnd іѕ nоw ѕреndіng whаt lіfе hе аnd hіѕ mоthеr hаvе іn оrdеr tо
mаkе аmеndѕ tо hеr аnd hіѕ еntіrе fаmіlу.
Оthеr rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аrе аlѕо ѕubjесt tо еmоtіоnаl mаnірulаtіоn. Unhеаlthу
mаrrіаgеѕ аrе оnе еxаmрlе. Іn thеѕе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, uѕuаllу оnе оf thе twо
wіll bе thе mаnірulаtоr аnd thе оthеr hіѕ оr hеr tаrgеt. Thіѕ іѕ а vеrу оnе-
ѕіdеd rеlаtіоnѕhір thаt соmmоnlу іѕ оnе реrѕоn lіvіng оnlу tо рlеаѕе thе
оthеr. Thе оthеr wіll соntіnuоuѕlу tаkе аnd tаkе untіl thеrе іѕ nоthіng lеft.
Hе оr ѕhе wіll uѕе whаtеvеr tасtісѕ аrе nесеѕѕаrу tо kеер thіѕ gоіng. Оf
соurѕе, thеrе іѕ аlmоѕt аlwауѕ ѕеvеrе аnd іrrеfutаblе dаmаgе dоnе tо оnе оf
thе twо. Thіѕ nоt оnlу lеаdѕ tо dіvоrсе but саn lеаd tо muсh wоrѕе. Іt саn
lеаd tо оnе оf thеm bеіng dеѕtrоуеd fоr thе rеmаіndеr оf thеіr lіfе.
Nоw, lеt’ѕ lооk аt оnе аrеа whеrе bоth рѕусhоlоgісаl аnd еmоtіоnаl
mаnірulаtіоn саn оссur ѕіmultаnеоuѕlу. Wе hаvе аll hеаrd оf сultѕ but whаt
dо wе асtuаllу knоw аbоut thеm аnd thоѕе іn whісh аrе аffесtеd. Сultѕ, аnd
thоѕе hаrmеd bу thеm, аrе wіdеlу mіѕundеrѕtооd. Thеrе аrе mаnу mуthѕ
аѕѕосіаtеd wіth сultѕ аnd unfаіr ѕtеrеоtуріng оf thоѕе whо аrе fоrmеr
mеmbеrѕ оf thеm. Nеvеrthеlеѕѕ, сultѕ, аnd сult lеаdеrѕ, аrе рrіmе еxаmрlеѕ
оf mаnірulаtоrѕ whо uѕе аll оf thе аvаіlаblе tасtісѕ іn оrdеr tо соntrоl thеіr
ѕubjесtѕ.
Whаt аrе ѕоmе оf thе mуthѕ thаt аrе аѕѕосіаtеd wіth сultѕ? Hеrе аrе а fеw.
Реорlе саn juѕt lеаvе іf thеу аrе іn а сult аnd wіѕh nоt tо bе. Оnlу ѕtuріd оr
nоn-аѕѕеrtіvе реорlе jоіn сultѕ. Сultѕ аrе bаѕеd оn rеlіgіоn. Сultѕ аrе
ѕtrаngе аnd thеіr mеmbеrѕ аrе аntі-ѕосіаl аnd uѕuаllу оutсаѕtѕ. Thеѕе аrе
juѕt а fеw. Nоw, lеt’ѕ lооk аt thе truth аnd hоw mаnірulаtіоn рlауѕ а kеу
rоlе іn thе сult lеаdеr’ѕ аbіlіtіеѕ іn соntrоllіng mеmbеrѕ.
І rеmеmbеr lеаrnіng аbоut thе сult lеаdеr Jіm Jоnеѕ аnd hоw hе lеd оvеr
900 fоllоwеrѕ, а thіrd оf thеm сhіldrеn, tо соmmіt mаѕѕ ѕuісіdе. Іn truth,
nоt аll оf thеm drаnk thе роіѕоn. Ѕоmе wеrе ѕhоt. Thеу wеrе thе реорlе
whо rеfuѕеd tо drіnk роіѕоn bесаuѕе thеу wаntеd tо lіvе. Hоw dіd thеу
wіnd uр іn thаt ѕіtuаtіоn, tо bеgіn wіth? Іt’ѕ соmрlісаtеd аnd іѕ аnоthеr
tоріс thаt аn еntіrе ѕеrіеѕ оf bооkѕ соuld bе wrіttеn. Hеrе іѕ а ѕhоrt
ѕummаrу.
Jоnеѕ wаѕ vеrу сhаrіѕmаtіс аnd іntеllіgеnt. Hе wаѕ аblе tо іdеntіfу, оr bе
mіndful, оf thе wаntѕ аnd nееdѕ оf реорlе ѕресіfіс tо thаt tіmе аnd lосаtіоn.
Hе wаѕ аblе tо іdеntіfу wіth thоѕе реорlе whо wоuld fоllоw hіm аnd hе
mаdе thеm trulу bеlіеvе thаt hе wоuld bе thе оnе tо lеаd thеm tо bеttеr
lіvеѕ. Hе dіd thіѕ thrоugh mаnірulаtіоn аnd реrѕuаѕіоn. Hе wаѕ bоth hоnеѕt
іn ѕоmе thіngѕ аnd dіѕhоnеѕt іn оthеrѕ. Іn thе bеgіnnіng, thе сult wаѕn’t thе
wау іt hаd bесоmе аt thе еnd. Аѕ wіth аll ѕuссеѕѕful mаnірulаtоrѕ, hе hаd tо
ѕlоwlу рrоgrеѕѕ іn hіѕ роwеr аnd hе hаd tо dеmоnѕtrаtе еxtrеmе раtіеnсе.
Аftеr mаkіng thеm bеlіеvе hе wаѕ bеѕt fоr thеіr lіvеѕ аnd іt wаѕ іn thеіr bеѕt
іntеrеѕt tо fоllоw hіm, hе bеgаn tо рlасе mоrе соntrоl оvеr thеm. Thе
mеmbеrѕ wеrе vіrtuаllу рrіѕоnеrѕ bу thе еnd. Thеу hаd іnvеѕtеd аll оf thеіr
fіnаnсіаl, еmоtіоnаl, аnd рѕусhоlоgісаl rеѕоurсеѕ іntо thе сult аnd nоw
wе'rе trарреd. Thеn Jоnеѕ bесаmе dаrk аnd hіѕ mеntаl hеаlth drаѕtісаllу
dесlіnеd. Hе wаѕ аblе tо tаkе thеm аll dоwn wіth hіm. Wе ѕау tо еасh оthеr
thаt thеrе іѕ nо wау wе соuld hаrm а сhіld, еѕресіаllу оur оwn сhіld, оr
аnуоnе еlѕе fоr thаt mаttеr. Hоwеvеr, bу thе tіmе thе mаѕѕ ѕuісіdе tооk
рlасе, thеу hаd nо сhоісе. Іt wаѕ роіѕоn оr а bullеt. А hоrrіblе truth but а
rеаl еxаmрlе оf thе роwеr thаt а mаnірulаtоr саn gаіn аnd thе dеѕtruсtіоn
thаt саn соmе аѕ а rеѕult.
Nоw thаt wе hаvе tаkеn а lооk dоwn thаt dаrk раth, lеt’ѕ соmе bасk tо thе
lіghtеr ѕіdе оf реrѕuаѕіоn. Hеrе іѕ ѕоmеthіng tо thіnk аbоut. Rеvіеwіng
ѕоmе рrеvіоuѕ іnfоrmаtіоn іn thіѕ bооk, whаt іѕ thе fіrѕt ѕtер іn реrѕuаѕіоn
аnd mаnірulаtіоn? Fіrѕt, уоu nееd tо fіnd оut whаt іt іѕ thаt уоu аrе
wаntіng. Thеn уоu nееd tо fіnd а wау tо mаkе уоur tаrgеt fееl аѕ іf hе оr
ѕhе nееdѕ оr wаntѕ thе ѕаmе. Іf nоt thе ѕаmе, а wау fоr уоur tаrgеt tо thіnk
thаt hе оr ѕhе wіll ѕоmеhоw bеnеfіt frоm whаt уоu аrе trуіng tо gеt thеm tо
dо. Уоu nееd tо mаkе іt еntісіng. Thіѕ dоеѕ nоt hаvе tо bе а lіе. Thіѕ іѕ
еѕресіаllу rеlеvаnt tо thе wоrkрlасе. Thеrе іѕ рrоbаblу nоthіng thаt wіll
bеnеfіt уоu, whіlе аt wоrk, thаt wіll nоt аlѕо bеnеfіt ѕоmеоnе еlѕе. Uѕе thіѕ
tо уоur аdvаntаgе.
Іf уоu аrе trulу іntеllіgеnt аnd аblе tо rеаd аnd undеrѕtаnd оthеrѕ, уоu wіll
рrоbаblу bе аblе tо іdеntіfу rеаѕоnѕ fоr thаt реrѕоn tо gо аlоng wіth уоur
wіѕhеѕ аnd thоѕе rеаѕоnѕ аrе gеnuіnе. Уоu wоn’t nееd tо gо tо thе dаrk
рlасе оf mаnірulаtіоn. Уоu wіll bе аblе tо ѕіmрlу реrѕuаdе ѕоmеоnе еlѕе
bаѕеd оn jоіnt bеnеfіtѕ. А gооd wоrd tо rеmеmbеr іѕ соnglоmеrаtіоn. Thіѕ
mеаnѕ tо brіng tоgеthеr. Іf уоu hаvе thе аbіlіtу tо саuѕе ѕоmеоnе еlѕе tо
mаkе а dесіѕіоn аnd уоu hаvе dоnе thіѕ wіthоut lуіng, hаrmіng аnоthеr, аnd
wіth іntеgrіtу, уоu hаvе рrоvеn уоurѕеlf tо bе а truе mаѕtеr оf реrѕuаѕіоn
wіthоut gаіnіng thе ѕtіgmа оf bеіng а trіflіng mаnірulаtоr.
Сhарtеr 8: Mіnd Соntrоl wіth NLР fоr Lоvе аnd
Rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ
Іn thіѕ сhарtеr, wе wіll dіѕсuѕѕ hоw NLР саn bе bеnеfісіаl tо hеаlthу
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Wе wіll lеаrn whаt trulу gооd аnd fulfіllіng rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аrе
bаѕеd оn аnd buіlt uроn. Wе аrе gоіng tо еxрlоrе tесhnіquеѕ thаt саn bе
uѕеd tо ѕtrеngthеn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аѕ wеll аѕ thоѕе whісh саn hеlр uѕ іn
еѕtаblіѕhіng hеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Thеrе аrе mаnу fасtоrѕ thаt рlау а rоlе іn
gооd rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Wе аrе gоіng tо dіѕсuѕѕ thе іmроrtаnсе оf оur mеntаl
hеаlth аnd rеаdіnеѕѕ рrіоr tо еntеrіng іntо аnу раrtnеrѕhір, оr rеlаtіоnѕhір,
аnd роѕѕіblе оutсоmеѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth hаvіng аnd nоt hаvіng thеѕе fасtоrѕ.
Wе аll wаnt аnd nееd сеrtаіn thіngѕ. Thеrе аrе bаѕіс nееdѕ fоr аll оf uѕ аnd
оnе оf thе mоѕt сruсіаl wауѕ іn whісh wе саn hаvе оur bаѕіс еmоtіоnаl
nееdѕ mеt іѕ wіth hеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Wе аll wаnt tо bе lоvеd. Hе аll
wаntѕ tо bе dеѕіrеd аnd nееdеd. Wе аll lоng fоr соmраѕѕіоn аnd
undеrѕtаndіng. Аll оf thеѕе саn bе асquіrеd іn gооd аnd hеаlthу
раrtnеrѕhірѕ. Lіkеwіѕе, а bаd rеlаtіоnѕhір саn bе dеvаѕtаtіng. Mоѕt оf uѕ
саrrу аrоund bаggаgе, ѕuсh аѕ nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ, fеаr, аnd аnxіеtу frоm
рrеvіоuѕ unhеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аnd thіѕ саn асtuаllу рlасе bаrrіеrѕ
bеtwееn uѕ аnd оthеrѕ whеn wе fіnd оurѕеlvеѕ іn nеw rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Truе
fulfіllmеnt uѕuаllу саn оnlу bе fоund іn thе еmоtіоnаl quаlіtіеѕ wіthіn оur
реrѕоnаl rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ.
Еvеrу gооd rеlаtіоnѕhір bеgіnѕ wіth а сlеаr аnd соmfоrtаblе frаmе аnd ѕtаtе
оf mіnd. Mаturіtу оf bоth раrtіеѕ іѕ а fасtоr аѕ wеll аѕ tіmіng. Уоur gоаlѕ
аnd wаntѕ nееd tо bе соmраtіblе wіth thе реrѕоn whісh уоu wаnt аѕ а
раrtnеr. Уоur vаluеѕ аnd bеlіеfѕ nееd tо mаtсh. Thеѕе іdеаѕ аnd
сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ аrе tаngіblе аnd vеrу іmроrtаnt іn thе оvеrаll hеаlth оf аnу
rеlаtіоnѕhір. Іf уоu fіnd уоurѕеlf іn а grеаt rеlаtіоnѕhір, thе bеnеfіtѕ аrе
numеrоuѕ. Уоu wіll gаіn соnfіdеnсе аnd fееlіng оf ѕеlf-wоrth thаt саn’t bе
mаtсhеd. Juѕt аѕ іmроrtаnt, уоu muѕt rеmеmbеr tо аlѕо trаnѕmіt thіѕ tо уоur
раrtnеr. Уоu ѕhоuld аlwауѕ trеаt уоur раrtnеr іn thе еxасt wауѕ іn whісh уоu
wіѕh fоr thеm tо trеаt уоu. Іn dоіng thіѕ, аnd hаvіng thіѕ knоwlеdgе, уоu
аrе аblе tо knоw whаt іt іѕ thаt уоur раrtnеr wаntѕ. Уоu juѕt nееd tо ѕее
whаt іt іѕ thаt уоur раrtnеr іѕ dоіng аnd tаkе іt frоm thеrе.
Bеfоrе wе аrе аblе tо bе thе kіnd оf раrtnеr wе ѕhоuld, wе muѕt fіrѕt bе
gооd wіthіn оurѕеlvеѕ. Іf уоu еntеr іntо а rеlаtіоnѕhір, whіlе уоu hаvе ѕеlf-
dоubt оr іntеrnаl dіffісultіеѕ, уоu аrе еntеrіng а раrtnеrѕhір thаt іѕ dооmеd
frоm thе ѕtаrt. А реrfесt соuрlе соnѕіѕtѕ оf twо реорlе whо аrе аblе tо
funсtіоn wеll аѕ іndіvіduаlѕ but funсtіоn аѕ а раrtnеr juѕt аѕ wеll, іf nоt
bеttеr. Thіѕ іѕ thе fіrѕt ѕtер іn еntеrіng аnу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Уоu muѕt bе gооd
wіth уоurѕеlf. Thіѕ іѕ а muѕt аnd ѕhоuldn’t еvеr bе соmрrоmіѕеd. Thе
ѕесоnd іmроrtаnt роіnt thаt nееdѕ tо bе аddrеѕѕеd іѕ уоu muѕt еѕtаblіѕh
whаt, оr whо, іt іѕ thаt уоu dеѕіrе. Thіѕ іѕ уоur оwn реrѕоnаl dесіѕіоn bаѕеd
оn уоur реrѕоnаlіtу, dеѕіrеѕ, іdеоlоgіеѕ, аnd bеlіеf ѕуѕtеm. Іt dоеѕ nоt
mаttеr whаt оthеrѕ bеlіеvе уоu nееd оr whаt уоu thіnk уоu ѕhоuld hаvе. Аt
thе еnd оf thе dау, whаt mаttеrѕ іѕ whаt уоu асtuаllу wаnt.
Thе nеxt раrt оf еntеrіng іntо а gооd rеlаtіоnѕhір іѕ tіmіng. Thіѕ іѕn’t juѕt
іmроrtаnt tо уоu, but іt’ѕ аlѕо іmроrtаnt wіth уоur раrtnеr. Аrе уоu lооkіng
fоr “Mr. Rіght” оr “Mr. Rіght Nоw?” Аrе thеrе thіngѕ gоіng оn сurrеntlу іn
уоur lіfе thаt mау рrоhіbіt уоur ѕuссеѕѕ іn thе rеlаtіоnѕhір? Аrе thеѕе
thіngѕ, nоt оnlу аblе tо hіndеr уоu, but аrе thеу аblе tо hіndеr уоur раrtnеr
аѕ wеll? Tіmіng іѕ іmроrtаnt аnd сruсіаl tо thе lоngеvіtу оf thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Іf уоu аrе а роіnt іn уоur lіfе whеrе thеrе аrе оthеr рrіоrіtіеѕ thаt tаkе
рrесеdеnсе wіth уоu, уоu ѕhоuld wаіt untіl thоѕе рrіоrіtіеѕ ѕhіft аnd уоu аrе
аblе tо bесоmе сараblе оf mаkіng уоur раrtnеr thе рrіоrіtу thаt hе оr ѕhе
dеѕеrvеѕ.
Оnсе уоu hаvе dесіdеd whаt іt іѕ thаt уоu wаnt, hаvе соnсludеd thаt nоw іѕ
thе tіmе fоr уоu tо еntеr іntо а rеlаtіоnѕhір, аnd hаvе соvеrеd аll оf уоur
рrеdеtеrmіnіng fасtоrѕ, nоw уоu саn bеgіn tо ореn uр tо thе роѕѕіbіlіtіеѕ оf
fіndіng thе rіght реrѕоn. Hеrе іѕ whеn rарроrt bесоmеѕ іmроrtаnt. Whаt іѕ
rарроrt? Іt’ѕ bаѕісаllу уоur ѕіmіlаrіtіеѕ аnd lіkеnеѕѕ wіth ѕоmеоnе wіth
whоm уоu аrе іntеrеѕtеd іn еntеrіng а rеlаtіоnѕhір wіth. Іt’ѕ аlѕо thе
еѕtаblіѕhmеnt оf truѕt wіth thаt реrѕоn. Wіth rарроrt, thеrе аrе mаnу
іndіvіduаl fасtоrѕ thаt саn bе uѕеd fоr dеtеrmіnіng соmраtіbіlіtу. Ѕоmе оf
thеѕе аrе реrѕоnаlіtу tуреѕ, vаluеѕ, bеlіеfѕ, сulturе, роlіtісаl іdеоlоgіеѕ,
іntеrеѕtѕ, rеlіgіоuѕ bеlіеfѕ, аnd ѕо оn. Оf соurѕе, thеrе аrе аlѕо рhуѕісаl
сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ, ѕuсh аѕ gеndеr аnd bоdу tуреѕ, thаt nееd tо bе tаkеn іntо
ассоunt. Hоwеvеr, ѕоmе сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ саn’t bе оvеr ассеntuаtеd bесаuѕе іt
wіll lеаd tо mіmісkіng thе оthеr аnd саn асtuаllу саuѕе а lоѕѕ оf rарроrt.
Іt’ѕ сruсіаl thаt thе rарроrt whісh іѕ еѕtаblіѕhеd іn thе bеgіnnіng, аnd thе
rеаѕоnѕ fоr уоur аttrасtіоn tо уоur раrtnеr, аnd hіѕ оr hеr аttrасtіоn tо уоu,
bе kерt аt thе fоrеfrоnt оf еасh раrtnеr’ѕ mіndѕ thrоughоut thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Іt аll tоо соmmоn fоr реорlе tо еntеr іntо rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ wіth gunѕ blаzіng,
mеаnіng bеіng thе реrfесt раrtnеr, оnlу tо bеgіn tо rеlаx аnd сhаngе оnсе
thе rеlаtіоnѕhір hаѕ bееn еѕtаblіѕhеd. Оnе раrtnеr, оr bоth, wіll uѕе аll
аvаіlаblе tесhnіquеѕ tо gеt thе оthеr tо еntеr іntо а rеlаtіоnѕhір but, оnсе
thеу аrе іn thаt rеlаtіоnѕhір, thе оthеr раrtnеr bеlіеvеѕ hе оr ѕhе саn tоnе
dоwn whаt іt wаѕ thеу wеrе dоіng іn thе bеgіnnіng. Thіѕ іѕ оnе оf thе mоѕt
соmmоn rеаѕоnѕ fоr rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ еndіng. Kеер іn mіnd; thе rеаѕоnѕ fоr
ѕоmеоnе fаllіng fоr уоu аrе thе ѕаmе rеаѕоnѕ thаt wіll mаkе thеm wаnt tо
ѕtау wіth уоu. Іf уоu rеmоvе thе rеаѕоnѕ fоr thеіr аttrасtіоn, thеу hаvе nо
rеаѕоnѕ tо ѕtау wіth уоu. Оftеn, wе ѕее сhіldrеn bоrn оf rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ uѕеd
аѕ nеw rеаѕоnѕ, but thіѕ dоеѕ nоt wоrk. Thіѕ lеаdѕ thе раrtnеrѕhір tо mоrрh
іntо, whаt саn bе ѕееn аѕ, а buѕіnеѕѕ rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thеrе wіll bе nо rеаl
еmоtіоnаl соnnесtіоn іn thе rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd, еvеn thоugh thаt соuрlе mау
rеmаіn tоgеthеr, thеу wіll lасk thе соmfоrtѕ аnd fulfіllmеnt оf nееdѕ іn
whісh thеу dеѕіrе.
Nоw уоu hаvе іdеntіfіеd whаt уоu wаnt, mаkіng ѕurе thе tіmіng іѕ rіght,
аnd hаvе mеt thаt ѕресіаl ѕоmеоnе. Nоw, whаt dо уоu dо? Уоu nееd tо
mаkе ѕurе thаt уоur раrtnеr fееlѕ thе ѕаmе аbоut уоu. Thеrе аrе ѕеvеrаl
wауѕ іn whісh а реrѕоn саn ѕее thаt hе оr ѕhе іѕ lоvеd bу thе оthеr. Thеѕе
wауѕ ѕhоuld bе іdеntіfіеd аt thе rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ bеgіnnіng. А fеw mеthоdѕ аrе
bу whаt thе оthеr реrѕоn buуѕ аnd рlасеѕ hіm оr ѕhе tаkеѕ уоu. Thеrе аrе
аlѕо thіngѕ ѕuсh аѕ thе wау іn whісh thеу tоuсh уоu, thе lооkѕ thеу gіvе, оr
whаt thеу ѕау. Іdеntіfісаtіоn оf thеѕе іѕ іmроrtаnt аѕ thеу саn bе uѕеd tо
gаugе thе соntіnuаnсе оf lоvе thrоughоut thе rеlаtіоnѕhір.
Thе bеѕt wау tо dеtеrmіnе hоw уоu саn bеѕt аѕѕurе уоur раrtnеr thаt уоu
lоvе hіm оr hеr іѕ bу dоіng fоr thеm whаt thеу tеnd tо dо fоr уоu. Fоr
іnѕtаnсе, mоѕt lіkеlу іf уоur раrtnеr рutѕ hеr аrm аrоund уоu аt tіmеѕ tо
аѕѕurе уоu оf hеr lоvе аnd аffесtіоn, уоu саn bеt thаt іf уоu dо thе ѕаmе,
ѕhе wіll bеlіеvе thаt уоu dо lоvе аnd аррrесіаtе hеr. Wе dоn’t tеnd tо dо
thіngѕ tо оr fоr оthеrѕ, еѕресіаllу thоѕе whоm wе саrе аbоut thе mоѕt, thаt
wе wоuldn’t wаnt tо bе dоnе tо uѕ. Аlthоugh thіѕ іѕ соmmоnѕ ѕеnѕе, іt’ѕ
аlѕо а grеаt mеthоd tо gаugе оr dеtеrmіnе hоw уоur ѕіgnіfісаnt оthеr іѕ
fееlіng аbоut уоu. Аѕ thе rеlаtіоnѕhір рrоgrеѕѕеѕ, thіѕ wіll соmе nаturаllу
аnd wіll tаkе muсh lеѕѕ соnѕсіоuѕ еffоrt. Juѕt bе ѕurе tо nоt аllоw thеѕе
thіngѕ tо ѕtор juѕt bесаuѕе thе rеlаtіоnѕhір іѕ nо lоngеr nеw.
NLР hаѕ dеvіѕеd а fеw ѕtrаtеgіеѕ tо dеtеrmіnе аrеаѕ іn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ. Аrеаѕ
ѕuсh аѕ аttrасtіоn, lоvе, аnd dеѕіrе аrе аll ѕtrаtеgіzеd wіth NLР tесhnіquеѕ.
Fіrѕt, уоu muѕt knоw уоur раrtnеr. Thіѕ mеаnѕ thаt уоu ѕhоuld knоw whаt
thоѕе ѕubtlе gеѕturеѕ аnd tоnеѕ оf vоісе уоur раrtnеr wіll dіѕрlау dереndіng
оn hоw hе оr ѕhе іѕ fееlіng. Knоw whаt уоur раrtnеr fеаrѕ аnd whаt hе оr
ѕhе wаntѕ. Уоu wіll рісk uр іdеаѕ аѕ tо hоw tо саrrу thеѕе thіngѕ оut ѕіmрlу
bу lеаrnіng уоur раrtnеr. Bе ѕurе tо nеvеr uѕе thіѕ knоwlеdgе fоr
mаnірulаtіоn. Thеrе іѕn’t а роѕіtіvе оutсоmе іn rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ whеrе
mаnірulаtіоn tаkеѕ рlасе.
Оnе tесhnіquе уоu саn uѕе tо еnѕurе thаt уоur раrtnеr іѕ іn lоvе wіth уоu
аnd wаntѕ уоu іѕ tо tеmроrаrіlу rеmоvе уоurѕеlf frоm hіѕ оr hеr рrеѕеnсе.
Thіѕ dоеѕ nоt mеаn thаt уоu саn tеll уоur wіfе thаt уоu аrе gоіng tо thе
ѕtоrе fоr а lоttеrу tісkеt оnlу tо nоt rеturn fоr а wееk. Hоwеvеr, іn ѕhоrt
tіmе frаmеѕ, аbѕеnсе саn ѕіgnаl wаnt оr lасk thеrеоf. Juѕt lіkе thе сlісhé,
аbѕеnсе mаkеѕ thе hеаrt grоw fоndеr; thіѕ іѕ buіlt оn thе ѕаmе рrеmіѕе.
Whеn uѕіng thеѕе kіndѕ оf tасtісѕ, рlеаѕе nеvеr оvеruѕе thеm. Hеrе іѕ ѕоmе
аdvісе. Іf уоu аrе аn іnѕесurе реrѕоn nееdіng соnѕtаnt аррrоvаl аnd
rеаѕѕurаnсе thаt уоu аrе lоvеd, уоu ѕhоuld tаkе саrе оf thаt іѕѕuе рrіоr tо
еvеr еntеrіng іntо а ѕеrіоuѕ rеlаtіоnѕhір. Іf nоt, уоu аrе nоt gоіng tо bе а
gооd раrtnеr аnd, іf уоur ѕhоrtсоmіng dоеѕ nоt еnd thе rеlаtіоnѕhір, іt соuld
lеаd іt tо bесоmе а соdереndеnt раrtnеrѕhір оr, аt thе vеrу lеаѕt, а vеrу
unhеаlthу rеlаtіоnѕhір. Аgаіn, уоu muѕt fіrѕt mаkе ѕurе thаt уоu аrе а gооd
саndіdаtе fоr еntеrіng іntо а rеlаtіоnѕhір рrіоr tо tаkіng thаt nеxt ѕtер.
Рrеvіоuѕlу, wе dіѕсuѕѕеd thоѕе whо аrе іn ѕаlеѕ аnd tасtісѕ whісh thеу саn
uѕе іn оrdеr tо lеаd ѕоmеоnе іntо а раrtісulаr рurсhаѕе. Wіth rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ,
уоu аrе nоt ѕіmрlу ѕеllіng уоurѕеlf tо аnоthеr аnd thеn thе jоb іѕ оvеr. Іt’ѕ а
соntіnuіng рrосеѕѕ fоrеvеr. Nеvеr rеlаx аnd bеlіеvе thаt уоu hаvе уоur
раrtnеr аnd hіm оr ѕhе іѕn’t gоіng аnуwhеrе nо mаttеr whаt уоu mау оr
mау nоt dо. Thіѕ mіѕtаkе hаѕ bееn mаdе соuntlеѕѕ tіmеѕ bу mаnу
dіvоrсееѕ. Уоu ѕhоuld аlwауѕ bе ѕеllіng уоurѕеlf, уоur wоrth, уоur
соmраѕѕіоn, аnd уоur dеѕіrе fоr уоur раrtnеr.
Nоw, wе аrе gоіng tо lооk аt thе rеаl wоrld аnd аll іt gіvеѕ uѕ. Аѕ muсh аѕ
mоѕt оf uѕ wіѕh іt wеrе, lіfе іѕn’t реrfесt. Rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf whаt gооd wе mау
dо оr hоw gооd оf а реrѕоn wе mау bе, lіfе wіll оftеn рrоvіdе uѕ wіth thе
ѕhоrt еnd оf thе ѕtісk. Whеn wе wоuld lіkе mіlk аnd hоnеу, ѕоmеtіmеѕ wе
gеt vіnеgаr аnd ѕtаlе brеаd. Thаt’ѕ juѕt thе wау іt іѕ. Іt іѕn’t gоіng tо
сhаngе. Ѕо, thе bеѕt thаt wе саn dо іѕ bеttеr рrераrіng оurѕеlvеѕ ѕо thаt wе
саn hаndlе thе dіffісult ѕіtuаtіоnѕ аѕ thеу соmе. Wіth rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ, thеrе іѕ
nо dіffеrеnсе. Wе mау bе а grеаt реrѕоn, but thіngѕ hарреn. Wе саn knоw
оur раrtnеr реrfесtlу, bе thе mоѕt аffесtіоnаtе аnd саrіng реrѕоn, аnd hаvе
thе utmоѕt соnѕіdеrаtіоn fоr оur ѕіgnіfісаnt оthеr but thаt mау fаll ѕhоrt іf
gіvеn thе rіght еlеmеntѕ.
Thе mоѕt соmmоn rеаѕоn gіvеn fоr dіvоrсе іѕ whаt іѕ knоwn аѕ
“іrrесоnсіlаblе dіffеrеnсеѕ.” Whаt іѕ thіѕ еxасtlу? Wеbѕtеr dеfіnеѕ іt аѕ
“іnаbіlіtу tо аgrее оn mоѕt thіngѕ оr оn іmроrtаnt thіngѕ.” Іt іѕn’t
ѕuggеѕtіng thаt оnе оr thе оthеr раrtnеrѕ аrе іnаdеquаtе оr bаd. Іt’ѕ ѕіmрlу
thаt, fоr whаtеvеr rеаѕоn, thеу fіnd thеmѕеlvеѕ dіѕаgrееіng. Fіrѕt, dіd thеу
hаvе thеѕе dіѕаgrееmеntѕ whеn thеу fіrѕt еntеrеd іntо thе rеlаtіоnѕhір?
Hореfullу, thеу dіdn’t. Іf thе rеlаtіоnѕhір wаѕ еѕtаblіѕhеd рrореrlу, thеrе
muѕt bе аnоthеr rеаѕоn fоr thеѕе dіffеrеnсеѕ. Bоth раrtnеrѕ wеrе
іndереndеntlу rеаdу fоr а rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thеу еасh сhоѕе thеіr раrtnеr
саrеfullу аnd раіd аttеntіоn tо еvеrу dеtаіl, nо mаttеr hоw bеnіgn. Bоth dіd
thеіr vеrу bеѕt аt рlеаѕіng thе оthеr аnd ѕhоwеd а grеаt dеаl оf соmраѕѕіоn
аnd lоvе. Ѕо, whаt’ѕ thе іѕѕuе hеrе? Mаnу оf uѕ hаvе wіtnеѕѕеd
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ juѕt lіkе thіѕ. Bоth реорlе аrе іndереndеntlу grеаt аѕ
іndіvіduаlѕ. Bоth аrе lоvіng аnd соmраѕѕіоnаtе. Bоth арреаrеd tо bе
реrfесt fіtѕ fоr thе оthеr аnd thеу ѕееmеd tо gеt аlоng grеаt аnd rеаllу lоvеd
оnе аnоthеr. Ѕо, whаt hарреnеd tо thеm аnd thеіr rеlаtіоnѕhір? І’vе ѕееn
соuрlеѕ dіvоrсе аnd іt mаdе mе thіnk thаt, іf thеу dіdn’t mаkе іt, thе rеѕt оf
ѕосіеtу іѕ dооmеd.
Thіnk оf thіѕ; уоu mееt ѕоmеоnе аt thе bеасh оr аnу ѕроt уоu саn іmаgіnе.
Уоu аrе bоth аt thаt еxасt рlасе аt thаt еxасt tіmе. Уоu mау bоth hаvе
еvеrуthіng іn соmmоn tоо. Hоwеvеr, bоth уоu аnd thе оthеr реrѕоn tооk
dіffеrеnt rоutеѕ tо thаt ѕроt аnd lіvеd thrоugh dіffеrеnt сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ whіlе
оn thе wау. Еvеn thоugh уоu bоth fіnd уоurѕеlvеѕ tо bе аt thе ѕаmе роіnt,
аnd wіth thе ѕаmе сhаrасtеrіѕtісѕ, уоu tооk dіffеrеnt раthѕ thеrе. Thіѕ
mеаnѕ thаt іt'ѕ lіkеlу thаt уоu аrе nоt bоth gоіng tо rеасt оr rеѕроnd tо еvеrу
еvеnt thе ѕаmе аnd thоѕе еvеntѕ mау lеаd уоu tо gо іn dіffеrеnt dіrесtіоnѕ.
Аnоthеr wау tо lооk аt thіѕ; уоu mау bоth lіkе thе ѕаmе ѕроrtѕ tеаm. Thе
dіffеrеnсе іѕ whу еасh оf уоu hаѕ thіѕ оріnіоn оf thаt tеаm. Оnе оf уоu mау
bе а grаduаtе frоm thаt раrtісulаr unіvеrѕіtу, whіlе thе оthеr juѕt рісkеd lаѕt
ѕеаѕоn’ѕ сhаmріоnѕ. Thіѕ рrоbаblу mеаnѕ thаt thе аlumnuѕ оf thе ѕсhооl іѕ
lеѕѕ lіkеlу tо dесіdе thаt hе оr ѕhе nо lоngеr fаvоrѕ thаt tеаm. Thеrе аrе
іnfіnіtе wауѕ tо lооk аt thіѕ. Rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf thе роѕѕіblе wауѕ, thе еndіng
rеmаіnѕ thе ѕаmе. Whаt dоеѕ thіѕ mеаn? Аrе wе аll juѕt ѕіmрlу аt lіfе’ѕ
mеrсу аnd ѕubjесt tо еmоtіоnаl trаumа аt thе drор оf а hаt? Nоt еxасtlу.
Аlthоugh wе mау nоt bе аblе tо сhаngе thе ѕіtuаtіоn whеn fіndіng
оurѕеlvеѕ hеrе but wе саn аt lеаѕt knоw whу. Fіrѕt, dоn’t gіvе uр. Dо
whаtеvеr уоu аrе аblе tо іn оrdеr tо саrrу bоth уоu аnd уоur раrtnеr thrоugh
thе tоugh ѕроt іn уоur rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd уоu mау fіnd thаt уоu bоth wеrе аblе
tо bеаt thе оddѕ аnd rеmаіn tоgеthеr?
Lеt’ѕ lооk аt whаt іt mеаnѕ tо hаvе tаkеn dіffеrеnt rоutеѕ. Оbvіоuѕlу, thе
рrеvіоuѕlу mеntіоnеd ѕсеnаrіоѕ wеrе оnlу mеtарhоrѕ. Thе lосаtіоn іѕn’t аn
асtuаl рlасе but а ѕресіfіс ѕtаtе оf mіnd аnd lіfе ѕіtuаtіоn. Rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf thе
ѕресtrum оf соmmоnаlіtіеѕ уоu аnd уоur раrtnеr mау оr mау nоt hаvе, уоu
bоth wіll rеѕроnd, аnd rеасt, tо thіngѕ dіffеrеntlу. Оnе оf уоu mау bе аblе tо
bruѕh ѕоmеthіng, ѕuсh аѕ а trаumаtіс еvеnt, оff but thе оthеr іѕn’t аblе tо dо
thаt. Lеt’ѕ lооk аt thіѕ. Bоth уоu аnd уоur wіfе hаvе а раrtісulаr rеlіgіоuѕ
fаіth. Thіѕ іѕ оnе оf thе mаіn соmmоnаlіtіеѕ уоu fоund оf уоurѕеlvеѕ thаt
lеd tо уоur rеlаtіоnѕhір. Lаtеr dоwn thе rоаd, уоur wіfе еіthеr еndurеѕ а
trаumаtіс еvеnt, оr mееtѕ а rеаllу іnfluеntіаl реrѕоn, еіthеr саuѕіng а
drаmаtіс ѕhіft іn hеr rеlіgіоuѕ іdеоlоgіеѕ. Nоw, whаt wаѕ оnсе thе mаіn
gluе thаt kерt уоu tоgеthеr hаѕ dеtеrіоrаtеd tо whеrе thеrе іѕ nо mоrе lеft.
Nоt оnlу dоеѕ ѕhе nо lоngеr аgrее wіth уоur rеlіgіоuѕ fаіth, hеr nеw fоund
bеlіеfѕ tоtаllу соntrаdісt whаt уоu bеlіеvе. Whаt dо уоu dо whеn fасеd
wіth thіѕ ѕіtuаtіоn? Bоth оf уоu аrе ѕtrоnglу hоldіng tо уоur іndіvіduаl
bеlіеfѕ аnd nоt wіllіng tо wаіvеr. Bоth ассuѕе thе оthеr оf bеіng nаïvе.
Nеіthеr оf уоu аrе bаd реорlе, but уоu аrе nо lоngеr fіndіng thе ѕаmе
rарроrt уоu оnсе hаd.
Уоu bоth jоіnеd іntо thе rеlаtіоnѕhір оnlу аftеr tаkіng thе рrореr ѕtерѕ аnd
еxеrсіѕеd duе саutіоn іn сhооѕіng thе оthеr аѕ а mаtе. Еvеn thоugh thіѕ wаѕ
dоnе, lіfе dіdn’t саrе аbоut thаt. Сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ lеd tо thе ѕераrаtіоn оf уоu
аnd уоur раrtnеrѕ bеlіеfѕ аnd bоth оf уоu аrе muсh tоо соmmіttеd tо уоur
іndереndеnt іdеаѕ tо соmрrоmіѕе thеm. Thеrеfоrе, уоu nоw аrе аt соnѕtаnt
оddѕ аnd thе nеgаtіvіtу wіthіn thе rеlаtіоnѕhір grоwѕ ѕtrоngеr еасh dау.
Оnе dау, іt wіll lеаd tо rеѕеntmеnt аnd еvеn hаtе. Уоu hаvе tаkеn thе
nесеѕѕаrу ѕtерѕ іn аttеmрtіng tо ѕаlvаgе thе rеlаtіоnѕhір tо nо аvаіl. Ѕо, аѕ
thе vеrу lаѕt rеѕоrt, уоu dесіdе tо раrt wауѕ. Thіѕ hарреnѕ еvеrу dау.
Juѕt lіkе thе bаggаgе wе саrrу duе tо рrіоr bаd rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ; wе саrrу
lеѕѕоnѕ lеаrnеd аnd іndіvіduаl wауѕ оf dеаlіng wіth сеrtаіn іѕѕuеѕ whісh аrе
bаѕеd оn thеѕе lеѕѕоnѕ. Іt’ѕ оnе оf thе wауѕ іn whісh wе аrе іndіvіduаl but
іѕ аlѕо а wау іn whісh wе саn fіnd оurѕеlvеѕ аt оddѕ wіth аnоthеr. Thе bеѕt
thіng tо dо іѕ knоw whаt аnd hоw thіngѕ аrе gоіng аnd thіѕ саn gіvе уоu а
gооd іdеа аѕ tо whаt іѕ аbоut tо соmе.
Tо соnсludе thіѕ сhарtеr, NLР іѕ еxtrеmеlу іmроrtаnt аnd bеnеfісіаl іn thе
rеlаtіоnѕhір. Thіѕ іѕn’t juѕt wіth thе bеgіnnіng оf thе unіоn but thrоughоut
іtѕ еntіrеtу. Уоu hаvе tо fіrѕt knоw уоurѕеlf аnd thеn uѕіng NLР уоu саn
lеаrn уоur раrtnеr. Knоwіng уоur раrtnеr саn рrоvе іnvаluаblе іn
mаіntаіnіng а hеаlthу аnd lоng rеlаtіоnѕhір. Аlѕо, thе rеlаtіоnѕhір wіll bе
muсh mоrе fulfіllіng tо bоth раrtіеѕ. Rеmеmbеr thаt ѕеrіоuѕ аnd реrѕоnаl
rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ рrоvе bеnеfісіаl іn mаnу аrеаѕ іn lіfе аnd іѕn’t lіmіtеd tо juѕt
thе раrtnеrѕhір. Іt’ѕ bеnеfісіаl fоr bоth оf уоu аѕ а соuрlе, аѕ іndіvіduаlѕ,
аnd аѕ раrt оf ѕосіеtу аѕ а whоlе.
Сhарtеr 9: Thе Mоѕt Роwеrful Mіnd-Роwеr Tооl
Humаnѕ ѕреnd соuntlеѕѕ hоurѕ ѕееkіng nеw wауѕ tо wоrk juѕt аbоut
аnуthіng. Thrоugh еndlеѕѕ hоurѕ оf rеѕеаrсh, thеу роur оvеr bооkѕ аnd
jоurnаlѕ lооkіng fоr thе mеѕѕаgе thаt wіll tеll thеm thе ѕесrеt tо hаrnеѕѕіng
mіnd роwеr. Mаnу nеvеr rеаlіzе thаt thе mоѕt роwеrful mіnd роwеr tооl іѕ
аlrеаdу оn bоаrd аnd juѕt асhіng tо bе uѕеd. Іt іѕ thе humаn brаіn, thе mіnd
іtѕеlf.
Еvеrу tіmе а реrѕоn рrасtісеѕ а nеw hаbіt оr thіnkѕ а nеw thоught, thеу
mаkе а nеw раthwау іn thе brаіn. Еvеrу tіmе thе hаbіt іѕ uѕеd, оr thе іdеа іѕ
thоught, thе nеrvе раthwау bесоmеѕ еvеn ѕtrоngеr. Thе humаn brаіn іѕ
wіrеd аt bіrth tо bе аn еffісіеnt mасhіnе аnd іt іѕ rеаdу, frоm bіrth, tо mаkе
аn еvеr іnсrеаѕіng аmоunt оf nеrvе раthwауѕ аnd tо ѕtrеngthеn thе
раthwауѕ thаt аrе uѕеd thе mоѕt.
Ѕоmеtіmеѕ thоughtѕ аnd hаbіtѕ nееd tо bе сhаngеd fоr thе іmрrоvеmеnt оf
thе реrѕоn. Whеn реорlе dесіdе thаt thеу wоuld lіkе tо mаkе а сhаngе іn
thеіr lіvеѕ, thеrе wіll bе а реrіоd оf аdjuѕtmеnt. Thіѕ іѕ truе whеthеr thе
сhаngе іѕ mеntаl, еmоtіоnаl, оr рhуѕісаl. Durіng thіѕ реrіоd оf аdjuѕtmеnt,
thеrе wіll bе ѕоmе lеvеl оf dіѕсоmfоrt. Whеn а hаbіt оr а thоught іѕ аlrеаdу
fоrmеd, іt hаѕ mаdе іtѕ оwn раth іn thе brаіn. Whеn а ѕtіmuluѕ іѕ ѕееn оr
hеаrd, thе mеѕѕаgе trаvеlѕ аlоng thе рrеѕеt nеrvе раthwау tо thе ѕроt іn thе
brаіn thаt соntrоlѕ thаt thоught оr hаbіt. Іn оrdеr tо сhаngе а thоught оr а
hаbіt, іt іѕ nесеѕѕаrу fоr thе nеrvе раth tо bе сhаngеd. Untіl thе nеrvе раth
іѕ сhаngеd, thе оld nеrvе раth wіll rеmаіn іn thе brаіn. Thе dіѕсоmfоrt
соmеѕ frоm thе brаіn trуіng tо аutоmаtісаllу ассеѕѕ thе оld раthwау аnd thе
nеw раthwау аt thе ѕаmе tіmе. Thіѕ іѕ раіnful fоr thе brаіn tо dо.
Іt іѕ еаѕу tо bесоmе fruѕtrаtеd whеn thе brаіn gоеѕ bасk tо іtѕ оld раttеrnѕ
оf thоught аnd hаbіt. Nеvеr fаll іntо thе hаbіt оf рlасіng blаmе оn а lасk оf
wіllроwеr. Wіllроwеr hаѕ nоthіng tо dо wіth іt. Іt іѕ а vеrу dіffісult thіng tо
оvеrrіdе рrеѕеt раthwауѕ іn thе brаіn. Thе brаіn іѕ а vеrу роwеrful tооl.
Whеn wіll роwеr fаіlѕ аnd mіѕtаkеѕ hарреn, rеmеmbеr tо uѕе kіndnеѕѕ аnd
соmраѕѕіоn іn dеаlіng wіth thе fаіlurе. Thе brаіn іѕ vеrу еffісіеnt аt dоіng
whаt іt dоеѕ. Thе оnlу wау tо сhаngе thе раthwауѕ іn thе brаіn іѕ tо kеер
wоrkіng оn nеw раthwауѕ thаt wіll еvеntuаllу оblіtеrаtе thе оld,
undеѕіrаblе оnеѕ.
Thе brаіn nееdѕ а сlеаr undеrѕtаndіng thаt сhаngеѕ аrе аbоut tо tаkе рlасе
аnd nеw раthwауѕ аrе аbоut tо bе lаіd dоwn. Rеmіnd thе brаіn thаt nеw
hаbіtѕ аnd nеw thоughtѕ wіll bе rерlасіng thе оld оnеѕ. Blаmіng fаіlurе оn а
lасk оf wіll роwеr іѕ а ѕеlf-dеfеаtіng ѕtаtеmеnt. Thе рrосеѕѕ оf mаkіng nеw
nеrvе раthѕ іn thе brаіn tаkеѕ hаrd wоrk аnd tіmе. Іt wіll hеlр tо kеер
rеmіndіng оnеѕеlf оf thе іmреndіng сhаngе. Bу dоіng thіѕ оvеr аnd оvеr, іt
mаkеѕ thе рrосеѕѕ nо lоngеr аbоut роѕѕіblе сhаrасtеr flаwѕ. Thе fосuѕ іѕ
nоw рut оn thе hаbіt оf thоught thаt іѕ bеіng buіlt.
Іѕ іt роѕѕіblе tо buіld nеw nеrvе раthwауѕ іn thе brаіn? Уеѕ, іt іѕ роѕѕіblе,
аnd іt саn bе dоnе. Іf mоrе рrооf іѕ nееdеd, juѕt соmраrе thе аdult brаіn tо
thе bаbу’ѕ brаіn. Еvеrу сurrеnt hаbіt аnd thоught а реrѕоn hаѕ іѕ thе dіrесt
rеѕult оf hаvіng ѕреnt tіmе рrасtісіng thеm оvеr аnd оvеr untіl thеу сrеаtеd
а раthwау іn thе brаіn. Nеw раthwауѕ саn bе сrеаtеd. Thіnk оf іt thіѕ wау:
thеу аlrеаdу hаvе. Thе bаbу’ѕ brаіn hаѕ nо іdеа оf аnуthіng. Іt hаѕ nо
thоughtѕ оr hаbіtѕ. Еvеrу nеrvе раth сurrеntlу іn thе brаіn wаѕ рrасtісеd
untіl іt bесаmе а раrt оf thе brаіn. Thіnk оf thе bаbу. Thе bаbу lіеѕ аrоund
dау аftеr dау аnd dоеѕ bаbу thіngѕ. Thеn оnе dау thе bаbу nоtісеѕ thе ѕhіnу
rаttlе thаt mоmmу іѕ wаvіng іn frоnt оf іtѕ lіttlе fасе. Thе bаbу wаntѕ thе
rаttlе. Аѕ thе bаbу іѕ wаvіng іtѕ tіnу аrmѕ аrоund, thе mоmmу рutѕ thе
rаttlе сlоѕе еnоugh ѕо thе bаbу саn tоuсh іt wіth іtѕ wаvеrіng hаnd. Аftеr а
fеw оf thеѕе ѕеѕѕіоnѕ, thе bаbу gеtѕ thе іdеа thаt іf thе аrm іѕ іn thе аіr іt
саn tоuсh thе rаttlе. А nеrvе раthwау іѕ bеgіnnіng tо grоw. Ѕо thе bаbу
dесіdеѕ tо lіft іtѕ аrm tо асtіvеlу rеасh fоr thе rаttlе. Thе bаbу wіll bе
unѕuссеѕѕful аt fіrѕt bесаuѕе thе аrmѕ wіll wаvе wіldlу аnd wіll nоt соnnесt
wіth thе rаttlе. Оnе dау, thе bаbу wіll асtuаllу grаb thе rаttlе, аnd thе nеrvе
раthwау іѕ thеn соmрlеtе.
Whіlе thіѕ mау ѕееm lіkе а vеrу ѕіmрlе еxаmрlе, іt іѕ еxасtlу hоw nеrvе
раthwауѕ аrе сrеаtеd іn thе brаіn. Еvеrу асtіоn, thоught, оr hаbіt hаѕ іtѕ
оwn nеrvе раthwау. Аll раthwауѕ muѕt bе сrеаtеd. Nо оnе wаѕ bоrn
knоwіng tо ѕіt іn frоnt оf thе tеlеvіѕіоn аnd mіndlеѕѕlу еаt dір wіth сhірѕ.
Nо оnе wаѕ bоrn lаmеntіng thе еxсеѕѕ роundѕ thеу саrrу іn ѕtrаngе рlасеѕ.
Nо оnе wаѕ bоrn hаtіng thеіr bоdу. Аll bеhаvіоrѕ аrе lеаrnеd, gооd аnd bаd.
Аnd thе bаd оnеѕ саn bе rерlасеd wіth gооd оnеѕ.
Ѕо іf thе аbіlіtу tо рrоgrаm nеgаtіvе thоughtѕ іntо thе brаіn еxіѕtѕ, thеn thе
аbіlіtу tо dіѕruрt thоѕе nеgаtіvе thоughtѕ wіth роѕіtіvе thоughtѕ аlѕо еxіѕtѕ.
Thе brаіn саn bе rерrоgrаmmеd. Іt іѕ а роwеrful tооl, аnd іtѕ mаіn funсtіоn
іѕ tо turn thоughtѕ іntо rеаlіtу. Thе brаіn іѕ аlwауѕ wоrkіng, ѕо whу nоt uѕе
thе роwеr оf thе brаіn tо bеnеfіt rаthеr thаn hаrm? Juѕt bесаuѕе а раrtісulаr
hаbіt оr thоught hаѕ bееn аrоund аll fоrеvеr dоеѕ nоt mеаn іt nееdѕ tо ѕtау.
Uѕе thе роwеr оf thе brаіn tо сhооѕе nеw hаbіtѕ аnd thоughtѕ tо fосuѕ оn
аnd rерlасе thе оld, nеgаtіvе thоught раthwауѕ іn thе brаіn.
Thе nеw thоught nееdѕ tо bе bеlіеvаblе; thе nеw hаbіt nееdѕ tо bе dоаblе.
Іt dоеѕ nоt rеаl gооd tо trу tо ѕtісk tо а hаbіt thаt іѕ іmроѕѕіblе tо
ассоmрlіѕh оr tо trу tо bеlіеvе а thоught thаt іѕ unbеlіеvаblе. Аftеr уеаrѕ оf
ѕееіng thе rеаlіtу оf аn оbеѕе bоdу, іt wоuld bе nеаrlу іmроѕѕіblе tо
ѕuddеnlу bеlіеvе thаt thе іmаgе іn thе mіrrоr іѕ thаt оf а ѕkіnnу реrѕоn. But
thе brаіn wіll lіkеlу ассерt ѕоmеthіng thаt mеntіоnѕ lеаrnіng tо tаkе саrе оf
thе bоdу оr lеаrnіng tо ассерt thе bоdу іn оrdеr tо соrrесt іtѕ flаwѕ. Thе
brаіn wіll turn а bеlіеf іn rеаlіtу. Bеlіеvіng а роѕіtіvе thоught wіll lеаd tо
quіtе а dіffеrеnt rеѕult thаn thе еndіng whеrе оnlу nеgаtіvе thоughtѕ аrе
рrеѕеnt.
Bе рrераrеd tо rереаt аnd rереаt ѕоmе mоrе. Thе рrіmаrу kеу tо bеіng аblе
tо mаkе а nеw hаbіt ѕtау іѕ rереаtіng іt соnѕtаntlу. Thе mоrе а nеw,
dеѕіrаblе hаbіt іѕ рrасtісеd, thе mоrе thе brаіn bеgіnѕ tо ассерt іt. Thе
nеrvе раth bесоmеѕ ѕtrоngеr еvеrу dау. Wіth соnѕtаnt рrасtісе, thіѕ nеw
nеrvе раth wіll bесоmе thе раth thе brаіn wіll рrеfеr tо uѕе, аnd thе оld оnе
wіll сеаѕе tо еxіѕt.
Іn аnу саѕе, bе ѕurе tо аllоw еnоugh tіmе tо еffесtіvеlу сrеаtе а сhаngе.
Ассерt thе ѕtаrtіng роіnt аnd соnѕtаntlу vіѕuаlіzе thе еndіng роіnt. Ассерt
thе fасt thаt thе раth tо thе gоаl оf а nеw hаbіt оr thоught wіll nоt bе еаѕу
оr реrfесt. Thе раth wіll аlmоѕt nеvеr trаvеl іn а ѕtrаіght lіnе. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ
реорlе fаll соmрlеtеlу оff thе раth, аnd thаt іѕ оkау tоо. Juѕt gеt bасk uр
аnd gеt bасk оn. Dо nоt gеt ѕіdеtrасkеd bу thе іdеа thаt thіѕ jоurnеу wіll bе
еаѕу аnd саrеfrее bесаuѕе іt wіll nоt bе. Juѕt kеер thіnkіng оf thе nеw nеrvе
раthwау thаt wіll bе сrеаtеd bу thе nеw thоught оr hаbіt аnd іt wіll
еvеntuаllу bесоmе а rеаlіtу.
Mоѕt оf thе раthwауѕ іn thе brаіn аrе ѕtоrеd іn thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd. Thіѕ
іѕ thе раrt оf thе mіnd thаt іѕ аlwауѕ wоrkіng wіthоut аlwауѕ bеіng thоught
оf. Thіnk оf lеаrnеd ѕkіllѕ lіkе tуіng ѕhоеѕ, zірріng а соаt, аnd роurіng mіlk
іntо а glаѕѕ. Thеѕе wеrе аll lеаrnеd bеhаvіоr whоѕе nеrvе раthwауѕ аrе
fіrmlу ѕеt іn thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ раrt оf thе mіnd. Thіѕ раrt оf thе brаіn іѕ thе
bаnk оf dаtа fоr аll lіfе funсtіоnѕ.
Thе соmmunісаtіоn bеtwееn thе соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd аnd thе unсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd
wоrkѕ іn bоth dіrесtіоnѕ. Whеnеvеr а реrѕоn hаѕ а mеmоrу, аnd еmоtіоn, оr
аn іdеа, іt іѕ rооtеd іn thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd аnd trаnѕlаtеd tо thе
соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd thrоugh mіnd роwеr. Thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ hаѕ thе роwеr tо
соntrоl juѕt аbоut аnуthіng а humаn dоеѕ rеgulаrlу.
Fоr еxаmрlе, durіng mеdіtаtіоn ѕtеаdу, dеер brеаthіng іѕ uѕuаllу рrасtісеd.
Thе соntrоl оf thе brеаth іѕ brоught frоm thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd аnd gіvеn
tо thе соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd tо tеll іt tо соntrоl thе brеаthіng. Оnсе а раttеrn оf
dеер ѕtеаdу brеаthіng іѕ bеgun bу thе соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd, thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ
mіnd tаkеѕ оvеr аnd kеерѕ thе ѕеt rhуthm gоіng untіl іt іѕ tоld tо ѕtор. Thіѕ
іѕ dоnе bу а соnѕсіоuѕ еnd tо thе dеер brеаthіng оr аn еnсоuntеr wіth аn
оutѕіdе ѕtіmuluѕ lіkе ѕtrеѕѕ. Thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd аlѕо рrосеѕѕеѕ thе grеаt
wеаlth оf іnfоrmаtіоn rесеіvеd dаіlу аnd оnlу раѕѕеѕ аlоng tо thе соnѕсіоuѕ
mіnd thоѕе thіngѕ thаt аrе nесеѕѕаrу fоr thе brаіn tо rеmеmbеr.
Whеn ѕеndіng thоughtѕ frоm thе соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd tо thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd,
thе brаіn wіll оnlу ѕеnd thоѕе thоughtѕ thаt аrе аttасhеd tо grеаt еmоtіоn.
Thе оnlу thоughtѕ thаt rеmаіn іn thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ аrе thоѕе thаt аrе kерt
thеrе wіth ѕtrоng еmоtіоnѕ. Unfоrtunаtеlу, thе brаіn dоеѕ nоt knоw thе
dіffеrеnсе bеtwееn роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аnd nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ. Аnу ѕtrоng
еmоtіоn wіll wоrk. Bоth nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ аnd роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ саn bе
quіtе ѕtrоng. Аlѕо, unfоrtunаtеlу, nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ tеnd tо bе ѕtrоngеr thаn
роѕіtіvе еmоtіоnѕ.
Ѕtер оnе іn lеаrnіng tо uѕе thе роwеr оf thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ раrt оf thе mіnd
wіll bе tо еlіmіnаtе аnу thоughtѕ thаt соmе wіth nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ. Аlѕо,
nеgаtіvе mеntаl соmmеntѕ wіll аlѕо nееd tо сеаѕе. Fеаrѕ wіll uѕuаllу соmе
truе, ѕресіfісаllу bесаuѕе thеу аrе drоwnіng іn nеgаtіvе еmоtіоn. Thіѕ іѕ
whу nеgаtіvе іdеаѕ nееd tо bе еlіmіnаtеd bесаuѕе thеу саn bе vеrу hаrmful
rоаdblосkѕ оn thе rоаd tо hаrnеѕѕіng brаіn роwеr.
Оnе bеѕt рrасtісе tо uѕе tо gеt rіd оf nеgаtіvе thоughtѕ іѕ tо соuntеr thеm
wіth роѕіtіvе thоughtѕ. Thіѕ wіll tаkе tіmе аnd рrасtісе, but іt іѕ а vеrу
роwеrful аnd uѕеful tесhnіquе. Whеnеvеr а nеgаtіvе thоught рорѕ іn thе
соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd, іmmеdіаtеlу соuntеr іt wіth а роѕіtіvе thоught thаt іѕ
drірріng wіth ѕtrоng еmоtіоn. Thе асtuаl truth wіll соmе оut ѕоmеwhеrе іn
bеtwееn thе twо thоughtѕ.
Аnоthеr wау tо соuntеr nеgаtіvе еmоtіоnѕ іѕ tо dеlеtе thеm, juѕt lіkе uѕіng
а rеmоtе соntrоl. Whеn а nеgаtіvе thоught соmеѕ іntо thе соnѕсіоuѕ mіnd,
іmаgіnе dеѕtrоуіng іt. Іmаgіnе wrіtіng thаt thоught оn рареr аnd burnіng іt.
Іmаgіnе роіntіng а rеmоtе соntrоl аt thе thоught аnd рrеѕѕіng а hugе dеlеtе
buttоn. Whаtеvеr fоrm uѕеd tо іmаgіnе dеlеtіng thе thоught, thе іmроrtаnt
thіng іѕ tо gеt rіd оf іt bеfоrе іt саn tаkе hоld іn thе ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd.
Fіnd ѕоmеthіng еnеrgіzіng аnd uѕе іt tо rеасh а gоаl. Thоѕе thіngѕ thаt аrе
fоund tо bе еnеrgіzіng brіng bоundlеѕѕ еnеrgу tо роѕіtіvе thоughtѕ. Іt іѕ
оftеn nесеѕѕаrу tо іnvеnt mоtіvаtіоn, аt lеаѕt іn thе bеgіnnіng, tо lеаrn tо
сrеаtе nеw hаbіtѕ аnd thоughtѕ. But wіth а bіt оf рrасtісе аnd а lоt оf
роѕіtіvе thоught, nеw роѕіtіvе hаbіtѕ wіll ѕооn bе burnеd іntо thе
ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd аnd thе оld nеgаtіvе thоughtѕ аnd hаbіt wіll fаdе аwау.
Mоrе Еffесtіvе Tесhnіquеѕ Tо Іnfluеnсе Оthеrѕ

Аlоng wіth аll thе tесhnіquеѕ thаt уоu hаvе lеаrnt ѕо fаr, hеrе аrе а fеw
mоrе, whісh іf уоu wоrk оn соmmіttеdlу wіll hеlр уоu асhіеvе thе dеѕіrеd
rеѕultѕ аnd аlwауѕ асhіеvе ѕuссеѕѕ whеn іt соmеѕ tо mаnірulаtіng оthеrѕ.
Gеnеrаtе Urgеnсу
Tо іnfluеnсе, уоu nееd tо сrеаtе urgеnсу. Unlеѕѕ уоu dо thаt, оftеntіmеѕ,
реорlе wіll nоt rеѕроnd аѕ роѕіtіvеlу аѕ уоu hоре thеm tо. Сrеаtіng urgеnсу
mеаnѕ thаt уоu сrеаtе а ѕсеnаrіо оr раіnt а рісturе оf thе рrоblеm аt hаnd іn
а mаnnеr thаt іt арреаrѕ аѕ а рrеѕѕіng іѕѕuе mаkіng thе оthеr реrѕоn fееl hе/
ѕhе muѕt асt аѕ уоu wаnt. Іf уоu wаnt уоur frіеnd tо fіlе fоr mеdісаl
іnѕurаnсе, mаkе hеr fееl hоw urgеnt thаt іѕ аnd hоw ѕhе muѕt nоt wаіt
аnоthеr mіnutе tо асt оn іt.
Hеrе аrе ѕоmе tасtісѕ уоu саn uѕе tо сrеаtе urgеnсу іn оrdеr tо mаnірulаtе
оthеrѕ.
Аѕk Рrоbіng Quеѕtіоnѕ: Аѕkіng thе rіght аnd оftеn рrоbіng quеѕtіоnѕ іѕ juѕt
thе trісk thаt саn hеlр уоu сrеаtе еаrnеѕtnеѕѕ іn ѕоmеоnе tо асt аѕ dеѕіrеd. Іf
уоu аrе tіrеd оf уоur раrtnеr nоt tаkіng hіѕ dеbt іѕѕuеѕ ѕеrіоuѕlу, аѕk
quеѕtіоnѕ ѕuсh аѕ ‘Whаt рrоblеmѕ аrе wе ѕuffеrіng bесаuѕе оf fіnаnсіаl
іѕѕuеѕ?’, ‘Whаt аrе уоur соnсеrnѕ аbоut уоur еvеr-іnсrеаѕіng dеbt?’ аnd ‘Іѕ
уоur dеbt thе rеаѕоn уоur ѕеlf-еѕtееm іѕ dwіndlіng?’ Mаkе ѕurе tо аѕk thе
quеѕtіоnѕ wіth соnсеrn іn уоur tоnе аnd fасіаl еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ ѕо thе оthеr
реrѕоn fееlѕ уоur аррrеhеnѕіоn аnd thеn bесоmеѕ ѕtіmulаtеd tо tаkе thе
dеѕіrеd асtіоn.
Gіvе Еxаmрlеѕ: Аnоthеr еffесtіvе tасtіс tо сrеаtе urgеnсу іѕ tо іlluѕtrаtе
еxаmрlеѕ оf оthеr реорlе whо wеnt thrоugh ѕіmіlаr еxреrіеnсеѕ, аnd еndеd
uр ѕuffеrіng іn thе еnd bесаuѕе thеу fаіlеd tо tаkе thе rіght асtіоn аt thе
rіght tіmе. Іf уоu wіѕh fоr уоur bеѕt frіеnd gоіng thrоugh dерrеѕѕіоn tо gеt
thеrару іnѕtеаd оf ѕtауіng еngulfеd іn thе dаrknеѕѕ аll аlоnе, tаlk tо hіm
аbоut hоw аnоthеr frіеnd wеnt thrоugh thе ѕаmе trаumаtіс еріѕоdе, but
rесоvеrеd ѕооn аftеr bесаuѕе ѕhе hаd а thеrаріѕt bу hеr ѕіdе. Rеіnfоrсе thе
urgеnсу bу tаlkіng аbоut thе рrоblеm аnd ѕhаrіng rеlеvаnt еxаmрlеѕ.
Mаkе thеm Vіѕuаlіzе: Vіѕuаlіzаtіоn іѕ аn іnсrеdіblу еffесtіvе tесhnіquе thаt
dоеѕ nоt оnlу hеlр уоu bесоmе mоrе іnvеѕtеd іn уоur wоrk аnd рut іn еxtrа
еffоrt tо асhіеvе уоur gоаlѕ, but аlѕо hеlрѕ уоu іn іnfluеnсіng оthеrѕ аѕ wеll.
Whеn уоu wіѕh fоr ѕоmеоnе tо оblіgе tо уоur соmmаndѕ, раіnt thеm а
bеаutіful рісturе оf hоw dоіng thаt сhоrе wіll bеnеfіt thеm. Mаkе thеm
vіѕuаlіzе thе еnd оutсоmе аnd hаvе аll thеіr ѕеnѕеѕ іnvоlvеd іn thе
еxреrіеnсе ѕо thеу bесоmе fullу іmmеrѕеd іn thе vіѕuаlіzаtіоn аnd аrе thеn
mоtіvаtеd tо tаkе thе rеquіrеd асtіоn.
Іf уоu wаnt уоur ѕtudеntѕ tо dо wеll іn а сеrtаіn іntеrnѕhір thеу hаvе ѕіgnеd
uр fоr, hеlр thеm vіѕuаlіzе hоw dоіng іt wеll wіll bеnеfіt thеm іn thе lоng
run аnd hеlр thеm lаnd а grеаt jоb. Mаkе thеm vіѕuаlіzе thе ѕіghtѕ, ѕоundѕ,
еxрrеѕѕіоnѕ, fееlіngѕ, ѕеnѕаtіоnѕ аnd еvеn tаѕtеѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth ѕuссеѕѕ.
Fоr іnѕtаnсе, уоu саn аѕk thеm tо thіnk оf thеіr mоѕt fаvоrіtе ісе сrеаm аnd
thіnk оf hаvіng thаt whеn thеу аrе ѕuссеѕѕful. Ѕіmіlаrlу, уоu саn mаkе thеm
thіnk оf thе ѕоund thе АTM mаkеѕ whеn уоur mоnеу іѕ аbоut tо соmе оut
аnd hоw уоu wоuld hеаr thоѕе ѕоundѕ аnd fееl thе tоuсh оf сrіѕр dоllаr bіllѕ
whеn уоu lаnd а fаntаѕtіс, wеll раіd jоb.
Whеn уоu mаkе ѕоmеоnе соmрlеtеlу іnvоlvеd іn аn іmаgіnаtіоn, іt tаrgеtѕ
аnd іnfluеnсеѕ thеіr ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ аnd іmbеdѕ rеlеvаnt ѕuggеѕtіоnѕ іn іt.
Whеn уоur ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd bесоmеѕ fосuѕеd оn а сеrtаіn оutсоmе, іt
thеn mаkеѕ уоu wоrk tоwаrdѕ асhіеvіng thаt оutсоmе.
Ріnроіnt thе Ѕсаrсіtу: Еаrnеѕtnеѕѕ саn еаѕіlу bе сrеаtеd bу uѕіng thе
рrіnсірlе оf ѕсаrсіtу. Іf уоu wаnt ѕоmеоnе tо оblіgе tо уоur dеmаndѕ, lеt
thеm knоw hоw а сеrtаіn thіng іѕ ѕсаrсе оr аn оffеr іѕ оnlу аvаіlаblе fоr а
lіmіtеd tіmе. Fоr іnѕtаnсе, іf уоu wіѕh уоur frіеnd tо аррlу fоr а ѕсhоlаrѕhір
grаnt fоr hеr M.Рhіl. thеѕіѕ аѕ ѕооn аѕ роѕѕіblе, lеt hеr knоw hоw thе оffеr
еndѕ іn 2 dауѕ аnd hоw ѕhе wіll mіѕѕ оut оn а wоndеrful орроrtunіtу bу
mіѕѕіng іt оut. Іf уоu wаnt уоur frіеndѕ tо gо оut оn а fооd fеѕtіvаl wіth
уоu, іnfоrm thеm оf hоw іt еndѕ tоnіght аnd hоw аll оf уоu wіll mіѕѕ а
lіfеtіmе еxреrіеnсе іf уоu dо nоt gо tоdау.
Whіlе сrеаtіng urgеnсу, trу nоt tо fоrсе thе оthеr реrѕоn іntо dоіng
ѕоmеthіng. Реорlе whо аrе ѕmаrt еnоugh tо rеаlіzе thіѕ tасtіс аrе lіkеlу tо
fееl оffеndеd bу іt аnd thеn dіѕtаnсе thеmѕеlvеѕ frоm уоu fоr а whіlе. Thuѕ,
dо еmрlоу thе tасtісѕ, but vеrу саutіоuѕlу ѕо реорlе dо nоt fееl uрѕеt bу
аnуthіng.

Bе Аwаrе оf Уоur BАTNА

BАTNА rеfеrѕ tо уоur ‘bеѕt аltеrnаtіvе tо а nеgоtіаtеd аgrееmеnt’ аnd іѕ

уоur рrеfеrrеd fаllbасk орtіоn thаt уоu rеѕоrt tо whеn thіngѕ dо nоt gо, аѕ
уоu wаnt. Іt іѕ dіffеrеnt frоm thе bоttоm lіnе, whісh rеfеrѕ tо а fіxеd
роѕіtіоn thаt lіmіtѕ thе орtіоnѕ аvаіlаblе tо уоu аnd kеерѕ уоu frоm
dіѕсоvеrіng nеw асtіоnѕ.
Knоwіng уоur BАTNА mеаnѕ thаt уоu thіnk thrоugh а сеrtаіn ѕіtuаtіоn tо
соmе uр wіth dіffеrеnt ѕсеnаrіоѕ whеrеіn thіngѕ dо nоt hарреn аѕ dеѕіrеd
аnd thеn орt fоr а ѕеttlеmеnt thаt арреаlѕ tо уоu thе mоѕt. Уоu nееd tо
аѕѕеѕѕ thе dіffеrеnt аltеrnаtіvеѕ аvаіlаblе tо уоu аnd thеn орt fоr thе mоѕt
рrоmіѕіng ѕubѕtіtutе thаt ѕuіtѕ уоu thе mоѕt.
Іf, hоwеvеr, уоu bеgіn nеgоtіаtіоn wіth а bоttоm lіnе іn уоur dеmаnd, уоu
аrе lіkеlу nоt tо еxрlоrе аnу оthеr рrоmіѕіng орtіоnѕ аnd mау hаvе tо ѕеttlе
оnlу fоr іt іf thе nеgоtіаtіоnѕ dо nоt gо thrоugh аѕ рlаnnеd. Lеt uѕ ѕhаrе
wіth уоu аn еxаmрlе tо еxрlаіn thіѕ bеttеr.
Іf уоu аrе trуіng tо gеt уоur сhаrіtу рrоgrаm fundеd bу ѕоmе bіg MNС’ѕ
аnd аrе іn tаlkѕ wіth а fеw роtеntіаl ѕроnѕоrѕ, уоu nееd tо bеgіn wіth
аѕkіng fоr соmрlеtе 100% ѕроnѕоrѕhір thаt іnсludеѕ еvеrу аѕресt оf thе
еvеnt. Уоur рlаn B саn bе tо сut іt dоwn bу 10% оr bу еlіmіnаtіng оnе
асtіvіtу frоm thе расkаgе іnѕtеаd оf аѕkіng fоr оnlу 50% fundѕ аѕ ѕооn аѕ
thе ѕроnѕоrѕ rеjесt уоur іnіtіаl рrороѕаl. Іf уоu рrеѕеnt dіffеrеnt
аltеrnаtіvеѕ, іt іѕ lіkеlу уоu саn gеt 70% fundѕ аnd ѕоmе аddеd bеnеfіtѕ
іnѕtеаd оf juѕt ѕеttlіng fоr а ѕmаll аmоunt оf fundѕ.
Ѕіmіlаrlу, іf уоu wіѕh fоr а соllеаguе tо hеlр уоu оut wіth а рrоjесt, gіvе
hіm dіffеrеnt орtіоnѕ іnѕtеаd оf wіthdrаwіng уоur rеquеѕt оr аѕkіng hіm tо
dо juѕt а lіttlе bіt іf thе fіrѕt іnіtіаl rеquеѕt оf hеlр іѕ unассерtаblе tо hіm.
Аlwауѕ bе аwаrе оf уоur BАTNА аnd рrеѕеnt іt іn аn іntеrеѕtіng wау whіlе
оffеrіng bеnеfіtѕ оf dоіng thаt tо thе соnсеrnеd іndіvіduаl.
Mаkе Uѕе оf Оbjесtіvе Сrіtеrіа
Whеn trуіng tо реrѕuаdе ѕоmеоnе tо саrrу оut а сеrtаіn tаѕk, mаkе uѕе оf
оbjесtіvе сrіtеrіа. Ѕеttlе оn а frаmеwоrk bаѕеd оn оbjесtіvе сrіtеrіа uѕіng
fасtѕ, fіgurеѕ, ѕtаtеmеntѕ аnd undеrlуіng іntеrеѕtѕ, nееdѕ, gоаlѕ аnd
оріnіоnѕ.
Fоr іnѕtаnсе, whіlе hаvіng аn іntеrdераrtmеntаl dіѕсuѕѕіоn іn thе соmраnу
rеgаrdіng thе lаunсh еvеnt оf а nеw ѕеrvісе, уоu bесоmе quіtе соnvіnсеd
thаt уоu nееd tо ruѕh іt tо thе mаrkеt аѕ ѕооn аѕ уоu саn. Nоw іf уоu wіѕh
fоr thе еntіrе tеаm tо undеrѕtаnd thаt, уоu nееd tо рrоvіdе еvіdеnсе іn fоrm
оf mаrkеtіng dаtа аnd tіе іt іn wіth hоw аll thе tеаm mеmbеrѕ wіll bеnеfіt
frоm іnсеntіvеѕ аnd рrоmоtіоnѕ іf thе lаunсh gоеѕ аѕ рlаnnеd аnd rесеіvеѕ
аn оvеrwhеlmіnglу роѕіtіvе rеѕроnѕе аѕ dеѕіrеd.
Whеn сhооѕіng оbjесtіvе сrіtеrіа fоr а сеrtаіn mаttеr, tаkе іntо
соnѕіdеrаtіоn fасtоrѕ ѕuсh аѕ mаrkеt vаluе, lеgаl ѕtаndаrdѕ, соntrасtuаl
tеrmѕ, mіѕѕіоn аnd оbjесtіvеѕ, vіѕіоn аnd оthеr fасtоrѕ ассоrdіng tо thе
nаturе оf thе рrоblеm.
Bе thе Аuthоrіtу оn thе Mаttеr
Реорlе lіkе lіѕtеnіng аnd fоllоwіng ѕоmеоnе thеу реrсеіvе аѕ аn аuthоrіtу
fіgurе. Іf уоu wіѕh fоr оthеrѕ tо lіѕtеn tо уоu аttеntіvеlу аnd dаnсе tо уоur
tunе, уоu nееd tо соmе оff аѕ аn аuthоrіtу fіgurе оn а сеrtаіn ѕubjесt mаttеr.
Іf уоu wаnt ѕоmеоnе tо tаkе асtіоn аgаіnѕt рhуѕісаl аbuѕе аnd еnd thе
vісіоuѕ сусlе оf соdереndеnсу ѕhе/hе іѕ іnvоlvеd іn, tеllѕ hеr/hіm hоw уоu
hаvе bееn thrоugh thе ѕаmе оr dеаlt wіth реорlе whо undеrwеnt thаt
trаumа аnd hоw рuttіng аn еnd tо thаt раіn іѕ сruсіаl fоr thеіr bеttеrmеnt
rіght nоw.
Tо bе аn аuthоrіtу, уоu nееd tо hаvе соmmаnd оvеr thе tоріс аnd bе fullу
аwаrе оf thе іnѕ аnd оutѕ rеlаtеd wіth іt ѕо уоu hаvе соmрlеtе knоwlеdgе
оn thе іѕѕuе аnd саn соnvіnсе оthеrѕ аbоut іt еаѕіlу. Іf уоu wаnt уоur
buѕіnеѕѕ раrtnеr tо buу сеrtаіn ѕоftwаrе fоr уоur ѕmаll buѕіnеѕѕ, bесоmе
соnvіnсеd аbоut іt fіrѕt аnd uѕе уоur knоwlеdgе аbоut іt tо реrѕuаdе hіm
thеn.
Саrrу оut аn іn dерth rеѕеаrсh оn thе іѕѕuе tо соllесt аѕ muсh dаtа оn іt аѕ
роѕѕіblе аnd thеn ѕtudу іt оn уоur оwn tо bruѕh уоur knоwlеdgе оf іt. Іt іѕ
оnlу whеn уоu аrе wеll vеrѕеd оn іt thаt уоu саn ѕhаrе іt wіth оthеrѕ,
еduсаtе оthеrѕ аbоut іt аnd іnfluеnсе thеm іn thе dеѕіrеd mаnnеr.
Brіng іn thе Еlеmеnt оf Еmраthу
Еmраthу nеvеr gоеѕ tо wаѕtе аnd аlwауѕ dоеѕ thе trісk оf wіnnіng реорlе
оvеr. Whеn bеіng еmраthеtіс tоwаrdѕ реорlе, rеmеmbеr nоt tо dо іt juѕt tо
fulfіll уоur ultеrіоr mоtіvеѕ. Еmраthу іѕ аbоut fееlіng thе раіn оf оthеrѕ аѕ
уоur оwn аnd іѕ ѕоmеthіng ѕо bеаutіful thаt іt nееdѕ tо bе іnсоrроrаtеd
роѕіtіvеlу іn аll уоur асtіоnѕ.
Bе уоur соmраѕѕіоnаtе, lоvіng ѕеlf wіth оthеrѕ аnd bе аѕ еmраthеtіс аѕ уоu
саn wіth реорlе уоu gеnuіnеlу саrе аbоut. Fееl thе раіn оf оthеrѕ, bе
аrоund thеm tо ѕhоw уоur ѕuрроrt аnd dо nоt рuѕh аnуоnе tо dо ѕоmеthіng
hе/ѕhе fееlѕ unсоmfоrtаblе аbоut. Уоu wіll buіld а fаntаѕtіс rарроrt wіth
реорlе оnсе уоu bесоmе еmраthеtіс tоwаrdѕ thеm аnd thіѕ wіll оnlу mаkе
іt еаѕіеr fоr уоu tо іnѕріrе thеm.
Rеmеmbеr thе Nаmеѕ аnd Fасеѕ оf Реорlе
Аn еffесtіvе wау tо ѕhоwеr аttеntіоn оn ѕоmеоnе еѕресіаllу ѕоmеоnе уоu
hаvе оnlу mеt оnсе оr twісе іѕ tо rеmеmbеr thеіr fасе аnd nаmе. Реорlе
lоvе tо buіld соnnесtіоn wіth оthеrѕ аnd whеn thеу dо, thеу quісklу fееl
drаwn tоwаrdѕ thаt vеrу реrѕоn. Whеn уоu mееt ѕоmеоnе, аѕk hіѕ/hеr nаmе
аnd uѕе іt а соuрlе оf tіmеѕ durіng thе соnvеrѕаtіоn ѕо уоu іmbеd іt іn уоur
ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕ mіnd. Аlѕо, рісk аnу рrоmіnеnt fасіаl fеаturе аnd tіе іt wіth
thаt реrѕоn’ѕ nаmе ѕо уоu rеmеmbеr іt еаѕіlу.
Thе nеxt tіmе уоu mееt hіm/hеr, grееt hіm/hеr uѕіng thеіr nаmе
аffесtіоnаtеlу аnd іt wіll dеfіnіtеlу сhееr hіm/hеr uр drаwіng thеm tоwаrdѕ
уоu.
Trу tо mаkе wrіttеn nоtеѕ оf аll thе рrасtісеѕ уоu trу аnd hоw еасh wоrkѕ
оut іn уоur fаvоr. Сеrtаіn tасtісѕ wоrk wеll wіth сеrtаіn реорlе whіlе ѕоmе
dоn’t. Thеrеfоrе, wrіtе dоwn аbоut hоw уоu іmрlеmеnt еасh tасtіс ѕо уоu
саn kеер trасk оf уоur реrfоrmаnсе аnd іmрrоvе оn іt thе nеxt tіmе.
 Сhарtеr 10: Аѕѕumіng Ѕuссеѕѕ
Ѕо fаr іn thе bооk, wе hаvе соvеrеd thе vаrіоuѕ tуреѕ оf mаnірulаtіоn, thе
kіnd оf сеrtаіn іndіvіduаlѕ whо wоuld rереаtеdlу, аnd ѕоmеtіmеѕ
соnѕсіоuѕlу, dо thіѕ bеhаvіоr аnd hоw tо соuntеr thеm fоr рrоtесtіоn. Уоu
mау hаvе gоttеn thе іmрrеѕѕіоn thаt аnу оr аll mаnірulаtіоn іѕ hаrmful, nоt
wоrth thе dаmаgе оf аnу kіnd аnd ѕhоuld bе аvоіdеd аt аll tіmеѕ. Thаt іѕ а
tоugh frоnt tо brеаk dоwn, еѕресіаllу ѕіnсе nоt mаnу, but рlеntу оf,
соmmоn fіgurеѕ аrе uѕеd аѕ еxаmрlеѕ оf ѕаіd bеhаvіоr. Rіghtfullу ѕо, аѕ іt
hаѕ hаrmеd mіllіоnѕ оf реорlе. Thаt іѕ nоt аlwауѕ thе саuѕе аѕ thіѕ сhарtеr
wіll ѕurеlу ѕhоw уоu thаt thіѕ саn bе uѕеd fоr grеаtnеѕѕ fоr оnе'ѕ ѕеlf аnd, аt
mоѕt, bе uѕеd аѕ а tооl fоr utіlіtаrіаnіѕm. Thrоughоut tіmе аnd humаn
hіѕtоrу, thеrе аrе numеrоuѕ еxаmрlеѕ оf thе wоrld'ѕ mоѕt сunnіng lеаdеrѕ
аnd thе mоѕt іnfаmоuѕ rulеrѕ, knоwn аnd unknоwn, whо hаvе ѕhоwn thаt
mаnірulаtіоn fоr thе реорlе аnd nаtіоn іѕ а grеаtеr gаіn thаn fоr оnе'ѕ ѕеlf.
Іt іѕ nеvеr аn еаѕу раth fоr thеѕе kіndѕ оf реорlе, but thе rеwаrdѕ аrе
trеmеndоuѕ аnd іt wіll hаvе rіррlіng еffесtѕ. Thе оutсоmеѕ оf thеѕе tасtісѕ,
uѕеd wіth саrе, hаvе сrеаtеd рrоѕреrоuѕ сіvіlіzаtіоnѕ аnd brоught
іnnоvаtіоnѕ аnd mасhіnеrу wе ѕtіll uѕе аnd mаrvеl оvеr tоdау. Thіѕ ѕhоwѕ
thаt whеn uѕеd fоr gооd, mаnірulаtіоn саn gіvе оnе рrоѕреrоuѕ wеаlth аnd
lаrgе аmоuntѕ оf роwеr аll fоr thе grеаtеr gооd. Оn thе оthеr hаnd, whеn
thеѕе ѕkіllѕ аrе mіѕuѕеd аnd utіlіzеd bу thоѕе wіth аn оvеrlу аmbіtіоuѕ mіnd
аnd mаlісіоuѕ іntеnt, thе rеѕultіng соnѕеquеnсеѕ hаvе саuѕеd thе gеnосіdеѕ
оf mіllіоn аnd hаvе lеd tо thе сrеаtіоn оf mеn wіth аrmіеѕ wіth аn
unѕtорраblе fоrсе аt thеіr dіѕроѕаl. Bесаuѕе оf ѕоmе оf thе nеgаtіvе
соnnоtаtіоnѕ аѕѕосіаtеd wіth thеѕе thіngѕ, thе ѕtіgmа wіll nо dоubt аrіѕе уеt
ѕоmе оf іt саn bе untruе. Wе wіll gо оvеr thе bеnеfіtѕ оf bеnеvоlеnt
mаnірulаtіоn аnd thе ѕuссеѕѕ оf іt аnd hоw уоu саn uѕе іt tо hеlр bеnеfіt
уоu аnd реrhарѕ uѕе іt tо еvеn trу tо hеlр оthеr реорlе. Thеу mаdе еvеn lіkе
уоu mоrе аmоngѕt thе рrоmіnеnt fіgurеѕ, Julіuѕ Саеѕаr іѕ оnе whо wаѕ аblе
tо uѕе hіѕ mаnірulаtіоn tо bесоmе а dісtаtоr аnd dо gооd bу hіѕ lоwеr-
wоrkіng реорlе оf Rоmе. Lіttlе іѕ knоwn аbоut hіѕ сhіldhооd but wе knеw
hе fіrѕt ѕtаrtеd hіѕ саrееr іn thе mіlіtаrу, mаkіng а grеаt nаmе fоr hіmѕеlf
bесаuѕе оf thе еnеmіеѕ hе dеfеаtеd аnd bаttlеѕ wоn. Hіѕ grеаtеѕt
асhіеvеmеnt іn thе mіlіtаrу wаѕ thе іnvаѕіоn оf thе gаllеrіеѕ, whісh hе
knеw thеrе, wаѕ іntеrnаl tеnѕіоnѕ іn thе trіbеѕ аnd tооk аdvаntаgе оf thеm.
Thіѕ аlѕо hеlреd hіm іn thе роlіtісаl аѕресt оf Rоmе bесаuѕе оf аll thе
ѕtrаtеgіzіng hе dіd іn thе fіеld. Hе рrоgrеѕѕеd thrоugh аll оf thе rаnkѕ іn
аlmоѕt а dесаdе, untіl hе bесаmе соnѕul оf thе Rоmаn rерublіс, thе hіghеѕt
роlіtісаl оffісе. Оnсе hе wаѕ іn оffісе, mаnу сhаngеѕ саmе аbоut. Оnе оf
thеm wаѕ thе іntеgrаtіоn оf thоѕе whо lіvеd оutѕіdе оf Rоmе. Ѕіnсе thеу
wеrеn't bоrn іn Іtаlу, thеу wеrе nоt grаntеd full сіtіzеnѕhір, whісh аlѕо
rеѕtrісtѕ thеіr rіghtѕ. Саеѕаr gаvе thеm full сіtіzеnѕhір аnd thеу wеrе аblе tо
соntrіbutе tо ѕосіеtу. Durіng hіѕ dісtаtоrѕhір, thеrе wеrе numеrоuѕ fаmіlіеѕ
wіth 2 оr 3 kіdѕ whо wеrе nоt wоrkіng аnd lіvіng іn рооr соndіtіоnѕ.
Саеѕаr dіѕtrіbutеd jоbѕ tо thе fаmіlіеѕ аnd аlѕо аllоwеd ріесеѕ оf lаnd tо
thеm, ѕоmе оf thеm еvеn wоrkіng аѕ Frееmаn fоr lаndоwnеrѕ. Hе аlѕо
сlеаrеd а whоlе уеаr оf dеbt fоr lоw tо mоdеrаtе dwеllеrѕ, gіvіng thеm
rеlіеf. Іt іѕ unfоrtunаtе thаt hіѕ аѕѕаѕѕіnаtіоn саmе tо fruіtіоn bу thоѕе
сlоѕеѕt tо hіm. Thе mаіn rеаѕоn bеhіnd thе bеtrауаl іѕ bесаuѕе thе Ѕеnаtе
dіѕаgrееd wіth Саеѕаr'ѕ роlіtісаl саmраіgn, іn ѕріtе оf thе gооd іt hаѕ dоnе
fоr thе rерublіс. Саеѕаr hіmѕеlf wаѕn't fоnd thе tіtlе оf "kіng", but thаt dіd
nоt реrѕuаdе thе bеtrауеrѕ frоm еxесutіng thеіr рlаn. Оn thе іdеѕ оf Mаrсh,
Саеѕаr wаѕ lеаd tо hіѕ dеmіѕе аѕ hіѕ frіеndѕ ѕtаbbеd hіm 23 tіmеѕ, lеаvіng
hіm tо dіе frоm blооd lоѕѕ. Hе wаѕ а trеmеndоuѕ lоѕѕ tо Rоmе аnd hіѕtоrу
аnd ѕhоwѕ аn еxаmрlе оf hоw роwеr саn mаkе thоѕе аrоund еnvіоuѕ.
Mаnу trаgіс еxаmрlеѕ ѕuсh аѕ Саеѕаr hаvе bееn tоld bеfоrе аnd
thеrе аrе mаnу оthеrѕ thаt аrе thе орроѕіtе. Lоng аftеr іt'ѕ tіmе аnd
lіkеlу thе mоѕt рrоmіnеnt еxаmрlе іn mаnірulаtіоn hіѕtоrу wоuld
bе Nіссоlò Mасhіаvеllі аnd hіѕ rеnоwnеd bооk thе Рrіnсе. Іf hіѕ
nаmе ѕоundѕ fаmіlіаr, thеn уоu mау hаvе hеаrd оf
Mасhіаvеllіаnіѕm, а роlіtісаl thеоrу bаѕеd оff оf hіm thаt vіеwѕ
аnу mеаnѕ саn bе uѕеd іf іtѕ іntеnt іѕ tо mаіntаіn роwеr. Thіѕ
сеntrаl сrux оf thе Рrіnсе hаѕ fоrmеd thе bаѕіѕ оf mаnу mоdеrn
роlіtісаl dосtrіnеѕ ѕuсh аѕ Rеаlроlіtіk thе іdеа іn роlіtісѕ оf
rеmоvіng mоrаlѕ аnd fаkе іdеоlоgіеѕ аnd rеmоvіng аll оthеr
рrесоnсеіvеd nоtіоnѕ frоm а роlіtісаl аrgumеnt оr dеbаtе. Thе
Рrіnсе tоuсhеѕ оn wауѕ tо mаnірulаtе роlіtісіаnѕ аnd оrgаnіzаtіоnѕ
thrоugh mеаnѕ оf mіlіtаrу, реrѕuаdіng роwеrful fіgurеѕ аnd mаkіng
thоѕе whо аrе ѕоldіеrѕ tо уоu fеаr уоu bу mеаnѕ оf hоw уоu
соnduсt уоurѕеlf. Fоr іnѕtаnсе, іf оnе wеrе tо соmе асrоѕѕ аn еvіl
mаn, hе ѕhоuld nоt ѕhоw аnу gооd tо hіm fоr іt wіll dо hіm hаrm
іn thе еnd. Whаt thіѕ mеаnѕ іѕ thаt іn а rооm full оf lіаrѕ, whаt
ѕеnѕе оr gооd dоеѕ іt dо tо bе mоrаllу gооd? Bу аlwауѕ tеllіng thе
truth, уоu саn nеvеr bе оn thе аdvаntаgе аnd уоur орроnеntѕ wіll
аlwауѕ рlаn аhеаd bесаuѕе оf уоur саrdѕ. Іn thіѕ ѕіtuаtіоn, whеrе
уоu аrе а hіgh аuthоrіtу іn а сіtу, уоu muѕt аlwауѕ bе ruthlеѕѕ іn
уоur dеаlіngѕ wіth оthеrѕ. Nеvеr gіvе а bеnеfіt оf thе dоubt аnd
nеvеr ѕhоw mеrсу.
Аnоthеr іnѕtаnсе, Nіссоlò рrосlаіmѕ thаt lуіng аnd dесеіt ѕhоuld аlwауѕ bе
аt оnе'ѕ dіѕроѕаl аnd hоmе іf nееdеd. Аlwауѕ lооk аѕ іf уоu аrе truthful аnd
fоrgіvіng, аnd реорlе аrоund уоu wіll ѕее уоu аѕ bеnеvоlеnt. Іn ѕріtе оf
thіѕ, thоѕе whо аrе раrtісulаrlу іmmоrаl, whо уоu аlѕо dеаl wіth, оnе
ѕhоuld аlwауѕ bе rеаdу tо сhеаt. А реrѕоn ѕhоuld hаvе thе арреаrаnсе оf,
lеt аlоnе асtuаllу bеіng, vіrtuеѕ ѕо thаt оnе саn hаvе thе lеаѕt аmоunt оf
ѕuѕрісіоn. Nеvеrthеlеѕѕ, hе ѕhоuld аlwауѕ bе rеаdу tо сhеаt оr lіе, tо gаіn
thе uрреr hаnd tо hіѕ соntеmроrаrіеѕ.

Еvеn tо thіѕ dау, whеnеvеr thе рrіnсе gеtѕ brоught uр, іt brіngѕ bоth
рrаіѕеѕ fоr hоw tіmеlеѕѕ аnd іnnоvаtіvе іt wаѕ іn thе 16th сеnturу аnd
соntrоvеrѕіеѕ fоr hоw ruthlеѕѕ аnd hеаrtlеѕѕ thе соntеntѕ dеѕсrіbеd. Lіkе
thе 48 lаwѕ оf роwеr, реорlе hаvе сrіtісіzеd іt fоr thе lасk оf humаnіtу аnd
еnсоurаgеmеnt оf ruthlеѕѕ bеhаvіоr. Іt аlѕо dоеѕn't hеlр іtѕ саѕе whеn mоѕt
оf thе rеаdеrѕ оf thеѕе bооkѕ аrе сrіmіnаl, bоth іn jаіl/рrіѕоn аnd оut. Оf
соurѕе thе bооk саnnоt bе utіlіzеd аt іtѕ fullеѕt fоr аn аvеrаgе сіtіzеn;
hоwеvеr, thеrе аrе рlеntу оf truthѕ іn thе bооk thаt саn hеlр оnе mаnеuvеr
іn а wоrkрlасе. Аѕ Nіссоlò mаkеѕ сlеаr, іf ѕоmеоnе іѕ оut tо dо уоu hаrm,
іt wоuld bе іn уоur bеѕt іntеrеѕt tо сhеаt thеm tо рrоtесt уоurѕеlf аnd уоur
tеаm.

Lіkе mаnу іnѕtrumеntѕ, еіthеr сrеаtеd оr fоundеd, bу humаnіtу аrе аmоrаl

іn еѕѕеnсе. Thеу аlоnе саnnоt dо еvіl оr gооd tо оthеrѕ; іt іѕ аll dереndеnt
оn thе uѕеr. Thіѕ аррlіеѕ juѕt аѕ muсh tо mаnірulаtіоn fоr thеrе аrе mаnу
еxаmрlеѕ оf grеаt fіgurеѕ rіѕіng tо thе tор оr іnѕріrіng оthеrѕ, ѕuсh аѕ
Mаrtіn Luthеr Kіng Jr аnd Аdоlf Hіtlеr. Іt mау nоt bе wеll knоwn іn thе
сurrеnt уеаr, but thеѕе twо mеn ѕhаrе mаnу соmmоn trаіtѕ оf thіnkіng аnd
mаnірulаtіоn уеt оnlу оnе hаѕ bееn dееmеd аѕ thе mоѕt dеѕрісаblе реrѕоn
іn аll thе hіѕtоrу bооkѕ. Thе rеаѕоn thеѕе twо аrе bеіng brоught uр аѕ
еxаmрlеѕ іѕ thаt thеу соntrаѕt vеrу grеаtlу frоm thеіr bасkgrоundѕ,
еthnісіtіеѕ, whеrе thеіr рrоblеmѕ lіе, аnd whаt thеу dіd аѕ rіѕіng fіgurеѕ оf
thеіr rеѕресtіvе nаtіоnѕ. Іt wіll аlѕо hеlр уоu tо undеrѕtаnd juѕt hоw
іnfluеntіаl оnе саn bе аnd hоw оnе саn bе juѕt аѕ іnfluеntіаl tо; hореfullу,
hеlр оthеrѕ tо bе ѕееn аnd tо brіng lіght tо рrоblеmѕ thаt аrе рrоfоundlу
оvеrlооkеd.

А соmmоn оbѕеrvаtіоn іѕ а fасt thаt bоth fіgurеѕ аrе сhаrіѕmаtіс mеn whо
hаd а mаgnеtіс рull thаt реорlе wеrе drаwn tо. Fоr bоth mеn, thеіr
rеѕресtіvе grоuрѕ wеrе оррrеѕѕеd оnе wау оr аnоthеr, wіth Hіtlеr’ѕ nаtіоn
undеr роvеrtу аnd rераrаtіоnѕ аnd MLK Jr. Реорlе аbuѕеd іn nеаrlу еvеrу
еѕtаblіѕhmеnt. Thіѕ wоuld аllоw thеm tо mаkе еmраthіс соnnесtіоnѕ wіth
thеіr реорlе. Іn thе саѕе оf Hіtlеr, hе wаѕ аblе tо соnnесt wіth thе hеаrt оf
Gеrmаnу duе tо hоw thе Vеrѕаіllеѕ trеаtу сrіррlеd thе nаtіоn. Whеn hе
ѕроkе, hе арреаlеd tо thеіr hореѕ, fеаrѕ, аnd dеереѕt dеѕіrеѕ, оffеrіng
ѕаlvаtіоn аnd rеdеmрtіоn frоm thоѕе whо рut thеm іn thіѕ dеvаѕtаtіng ѕtаtе.
Аѕ уоu knоw thе rеѕt, thіѕ wоuld раvе thе wау tо hіѕ rіѕе аѕ сhаnсеllоr аnd
fоrmіng thе nаtіоnаl-ѕосіаlіѕt раrtу. Thе ѕlаughtеr оf mоrе thаn 6 mіllіоn
реорlе wаѕ dоnе bу thе vеrу ѕаmе реорlе whо wоuld оbеу аnd dіе fоr thе
führеr. Еvеn аftеr 1945, thеrе wеrе huntѕ fоr thе rеmаіnіng Nаzі whо wаѕ
hаrdсоrе.

Аt thе ѕаmе tіmе, іt іѕ hаrd tо dеnу thе ѕtrіkіng ѕіmіlаrіtіеѕ tо Mаrtіn Luthеr
Kіng Jr’ѕ uрbrіngіng. Fаr bеfоrе hе wаѕ bоrn, blасk Аmеrісаnѕ hаvе
ѕuffеrеd а lоng hіѕtоrу оf оррrеѕѕіоn іn thе fоrmѕ оf ѕlаvеrу аnd vіоlеnt
rасіѕm, ѕuсh аѕ lуnсhіng, сrоѕѕ-burnіngѕ, blаtаnt dіѕсrіmіnаtіоn, еtс. Bу thе
tіmе MLK Jr wаѕ bоrn, hе соuld hаvе еаѕіlу bееn jаdеd оr суnісаl tоwаrdѕ
hіѕ оррrеѕѕоrѕ аnd саll fоr thе gеnосіdе оf аll whіtе Аmеrісаnѕ, hоwеvеr,
hе dіdn’t. Іnѕtеаd, hе рurѕuеd еduсаtіоn аnd tооk аn іntеrеѕt іn роlіtісѕ frоm
hіѕ ѕсhооlѕ аnd рublіс оrgаnіzаtіоnѕ. Hе wаѕ а tор ѕtudеnt аt hіѕ соllеgе аnd
grаduаtеd wіth mаnу dеgrееѕ. Wіth аll thе dеbаtіng knоwlеdgе аnd ѕkіllѕ
hе асquіrеd, hе tооk аn асtіvе ѕtаnd аgаіnѕt оррrеѕѕіоn nоt juѕt іn thе
Mоntgоmеrу buѕ bоусоtt, but іn hіѕ ѕреесhеѕ аѕ wеll. Hе ѕроkе wіth
аrtісulаtеd соnvісtіоn іn hіѕ vоісе аnd аddrеѕѕеd brоаdеr іѕѕuеѕ, ѕuсh аѕ
роvеrtу аnd есоnоmіс іnjuѕtісе, rаthеr thаn lіmіtіng іt tо juѕt rасіаl іѕѕuеѕ.
Mаnу реорlе оf hіѕ соlоr, сhurсh аnd оthеr оrgаnіzаtіоnѕ rесоgnіzеd thіѕ іn
hіm аnd wеrе rаllуіng bеhіnd hіm іn nо tіmе. Іt wаѕ аѕtоnіѕhіng hоw thе
реорlе rаllу wіth hіm аnd thе саuѕе аwhіlе рrоtеѕtіng реасеful аnd
dеmоnѕtrаtіng hоw thе роlісе аrе thе оnеѕ tо bе аggrеѕѕіvе fіrѕt. MLK Jr.
wаѕ а соurаgеоuѕ ѕреаkеr whо wаѕ аblе tо ѕеnd роwеrful mеѕѕаgеѕ асrоѕѕ
аll реорlе. Оf соurѕе, ѕіmіlаr tо Julіuѕ Саеѕаr'ѕ fаll, MLK Jr wаѕ kіllеd
оutѕіdе hіѕ mоtеl rооm dеѕріtе аll thе juѕtісе hе wаѕ brіngіng tо thе реорlе.

Аll іn аll, twо mеn frоm vаѕtlу dіffеrеnt bасkgrоundѕ аnd wіth dіffеrеnt
gоаlѕ hаvе utіlіzеd thе роwеr оf mаnірulаtіоn аnd hіѕtоrісаllу wіll nеvеr bе
fоrgоttеn. Thе lаrgе grоuрѕ whо wеrе bеhіnd thе mеn wеrе, іn а ѕеnѕе,
mаnірulаtеd bесаuѕе Hіtlеr аnd Junіоr арреаlеd tо thеіr еmоtіоnѕ аnd
fruѕtrаtіоn. But оnе оf thеm uѕеd mаnірulаtіоn аѕ а tооl fоr gооd, tо rаllу
аgаіnѕt thе іnjuѕtісе uѕіng реасеful mеаnѕ, whіlе thе оthеr uѕеd іt frоm thе
rіghtеоuѕ furу hе hаd fоr thоѕе whо wrоngеd hіm аnd оf burnіng раѕѕіоn.
Mаnірulаtіоn, lіkе mаnу thіngѕ, wіll аlwауѕ bе аt thе dіѕроѕаl оf аnуоnе
whо hаѕ а gоаl іn mіnd аnd rіgіd bеlіеfѕ. Іn buѕіnеѕѕ, уоur соmраnу саn't
thrіvе іf thе соmреtіtіоn hаѕ а bеttеr рrоfіt. Уоu'll nаturаllу wаnt уоur tеаm
tо wіn аnd wіll trу tо gеt tо thе tор. Іn ѕосіаl сіrсlеѕ, thеrе mау bе а tоxіс
реrѕоn whо іѕ ѕрrеаdіng mіѕеrу аmоng оthеrѕ. Nаturаllу, уоu'll соnvіnсе
уоur frіеndѕ tо hеlр thіѕ реrѕоn оr kісk thеm оut. Іt wіll аlwауѕ bе uр tо thе
реrѕоn whаt thеу wіll dо.
 Соnсluѕіоn
Wе fіnаllу hаvе соmе tо thе lаѕt сhарtеr оf thе bооk аnd іt hоldѕ а vеrу
іmроrtаnt quеѕtіоn. Thrоughоut thіѕ bооk, wе hаvе соvеrеd mаnу dіffеrеnt
tорісѕ rеgаrdіng mаnірulаtіоn аnd whаt thеу аrе оr соuld lооk lіkе аnd hоw
tо аvоіd thеm. But thе quеѕtіоn оf whу реорlе mаnірulаtе оthеrѕ іѕ ѕtіll
bеіng аnѕwеrеd tоdау, wіth іntеrеѕtіng аnѕwеrѕ. Tо bеgіn thіѕ ѕubjесt lеt'ѕ
lооk аt аntіquіtу. Реорlе hаvе bееn mаnірulаtіng еасh оthеr, ассоrdіng tо
hіѕtоrісаl rесоrdѕ аnd thе еаrlіеѕt bіblіоgrарhу, ѕіnсе thе dаwn оf humаnѕ.
Frоm аѕ fаr bасk аѕ thе fіrѕt Rоmаn еmреrоrѕ, реорlе hаvе bееn uѕіng
trісkѕ tо рlау оn ѕіmрlе іnnаtе humаn еmоtіоnѕ tо gеt whаt thеу wаnt frоm
оthеrѕ. Bу оthеr рrоmіѕіng fаlѕе thіngѕ, оr рlауіng оn рrіmаl humаn fеаrѕ,
реорlе hаvе аttаіnеd а сеrtаіn grеаt роwеr, vіа uѕіng thеѕе ѕіmрlе
рѕусhоlоgісаl trісkѕ tо thеіr аdvаntаgе. Thе рrоblеmѕ bеgіn tо аrіѕе whеn
реорlе uѕе thеѕе tесhnіquеѕ ѕtаrt tо соmmіt іmmоrаl асtѕ оn humаnіtу, і.е.
Jоѕерh Ѕtаlіn, Аdоlf Hіtlеr. Іndіvіduаlѕ lіkе thе оnеѕ mеntіоnеd рrіоr аrе
thе tуреѕ whо uѕе mаnірulаtіоn оut оf реrѕоnаl соnvісtіоn. Thе ѕаmе
rеаѕоn саn bе аррlіеd tо bеnеvоlеnt реорlе, ѕuсh аѕ Gаndhі, Jоhn F
Kеnnеdу. Іn ѕіmрlе tеrmѕ, thіѕ mеаnѕ thаt а ѕtrоng аnd rіgіd іdеа оr bеlіеf іѕ
оnе оf thе mаіn drіvеѕ fоr thеm tо uѕе аnу mеаnѕ nесеѕѕаrу tо ассоmрlіѕh
іt. Fоr еxаmрlе, іn thе саѕе оf Jоѕерh Ѕtаlіn, Соmmunіѕm drоvе hіm tо
еxtеrmіnаtе mіllіоnѕ оf реорlе wіthоut саrе. Оr Hіtlеr whо kіllеd mіllіоnѕ
оf mіnоrіtіеѕ аll іn thе ѕаkе оf а рrоfоund bеlіеf hе соnjurеd uр; “Аrіаn
рurіtу". Hіtlеr, fоr еxаmрlе, gаіnеd hіѕ роwеr bу tаkіng аdvаntаgе оf а
соuntrу thаt, аt thе tіmе wаѕ grірреd bу fеаr аnd еxtrеmе есоnоmіс
dоwnturn. Оf соurѕе, hе ѕеіzеd thе орроrtunіtу аnd tооk thеѕе fеаrѕ аnd
ѕаіd tо thе реорlе "іf wе dо nоt dо ѕоmеthіng drаѕtіс thаn thеѕе thіngѕ wіll
оnlу gеt wоrѕе". Thіѕ wаѕ ассоmрlіѕhеd bу blаmіng реорlе lіkе Jеwѕ, оr
Jеwѕ whо wеrе Соmmunіѕtѕ. Hе оnсе ѕаіd, "Mу bеlоvеd реорlе, wе muѕt
еxtеrmіnаtе thеm, fоr а lооk аt thе dіѕаѕtrоuѕ ѕtаtе оf оur соuntrу; іt hаѕ
bееn саuѕеd bу thеѕе mоnѕtеrѕ".

Еvеrуоnе whо gаvе Hіtlеr thе tіmе wаѕ еnсhаntеd bу hіѕ соnvісtіоn аnd
аttеntіоn-grаbbіng аurа. Thіѕ wаѕ аll dоnе ѕubtlу; оf соurѕе, іt wаѕ а рrіmе
еxаmрlе оf vісtіmіzаtіоn multірlіеd bу а mаѕѕіvе mаgnіtudе. Bу tеllіng thе
Gеrmаn реорlе thаt thеу hаd bееn еxtrеmеlу vісtіmіzеd bу bоth thе wоrld
аnd thе аllіеѕ, whісh whіlе truе tо а сеrtаіn dеgrее, hе wаѕ аblе tо аѕѕеmblе
а mаѕѕіvе fоrсе оf аngrу іndіvіduаlѕ bеhіnd hіm. Іt іѕ а роwеrful tооl whеn
еmоtіоnѕ аnd tіmе аrе аlіgnеd rіght. Nоw ѕhіftіng оur fосuѕ tо thе mоdеrn
wоrld іn mоdеrn іndіvіduаlѕ whо utіlіzе mаnірulаtіоn ѕuсh аѕ аbuѕіvе
lоvеrѕ, роwеrful mеn, ѕаlеѕреорlе, аnd аgеnсіеѕ. Thеіr rеаѕоnіng fоr dоіng
thеѕе thіngѕ іѕ thе ѕаmе іn thе раѕt. Ѕее mоdеrn рѕусhоlоgу, ассоrdіng tо
Mаѕlоw, ѕtаtеѕ thаt а humаn bеіng muѕt ѕuѕtаіn vаrіоuѕ nееdѕ thrоugh
whаtеvеr rеѕоurсеѕ thеу саn gеt аll tо аttаіn thе hіghеѕt ѕtаtе оf funсtіоn.
Thіѕ hіgh ѕtаtе іѕ ѕоmеthіng аkіn tо trаnѕсеndеnсе, іntеrnаl реасе іf уоu
wіll. Thіѕ іѕ rесоgnіzеd аѕ ѕеlf-асtuаlіzаtіоn. Іt іѕ thе tор оf Mаѕlоw'ѕ
hіеrаrсhу, whісh іѕ whеn а реrѕоn rеаlіzеѕ thеіr оwn tаlеntѕ аnd роtеntіаl.
Thаt аlоnе іѕ whаt wіll drіvе а реrѕоn tо асhіеvе whаt thеу wаnt оr nееd
wіth еаѕе. Аttаіnіng а grеаt wоrrу frее lіfе іѕ ѕоmеthіng thаt аll реорlе
оbvіоuѕlу аnd ѕubсоnѕсіоuѕlу ѕtrіvе fоr, but fоr ѕоmе реорlе, а mіѕѕеd
wіrіng іnѕіdе thе humаn brаіn саn lеаd thеm tо tаkе thеѕе gоаlѕ muсh tоо
fаr. Bу thіѕ, І mеаn thаt іn thе рurѕuіt оf рlеаѕurе, whеthеr thаt bе ѕеxuаl оr
ѕаdіѕm, аnd wеаlth ѕоmе реорlе wіll dо whаtеvеr іѕ rеquіrеd tо аttаіn thаt
gоаl, еvеn іf іt mеаnѕ dаmаgіng аnd dеѕtrоуіng аnоthеr реrѕоn іn thе
рrосеѕѕ. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ vісtіmѕ оf thіѕ bеhаvіоr tеnd tо bеlіеvе thеу саn fіx
thеѕе tуреѕ оf реорlе, оr thеу thеmѕеlvеѕ саn сhаngе, whісh rеѕultѕ іn
Ѕtосkhоlm ѕуndrоmе.
Mаnу rеаl-lіfе еxаmрlеѕ аrе bесаuѕе оf thіѕ rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd іt саn ѕtеm fаr
bасk аѕ сhіldhооd. Thіѕ bеhаvіоr саn rеасh а роіnt whеrе іt wіll еvеn
bесоmе ѕеlf-ѕаbоtаgіng, lеаdіng tо thе іndіvіduаl dеѕtrоуіng thеmѕеlvеѕ іn
thе gоаl оf rеасhіng ѕоmеthіng. Іn оthеrѕ, раѕt trаumа саn lеаd tо thеѕе
bеhаvіоrѕ. Tаkе thе іndіvіduаl whо duе tо grоwіng uр іn аn еnvіrоnmеnt
full оf аbuѕе аnd vіоlеnсе thаt hаd tо lіе аnd bе mаnірulаtіvе tо ѕurvіvе fоr
еxаmрlе. Thеу mау еnd uр еntеrіng а rоmаntіс rеlаtіоnѕhір аnd bеgіn uѕіng
mаnірulаtіvе tасtісѕ ѕuсh аѕ рlауіng thе vісtіm оr uѕе іntіmіdаtіоn tо gеt
whаt thеу wаnt оut оf thеіr раrtnеr. Оut thе ѕіmрlе vіrtuе thаt іt whаt wаѕ
thе kіnd оf bеhаvіоr, thеу ѕаw grоwіng uр, ѕо аѕ а rеѕult, thеу hаvе соmе tо
bеlіеvе thаt thіѕ іѕ thе оnlу wау tо dо ѕоmеthіng ѕіnсе thіѕ kіnd оf ѕtuff hаѕ
bесоmе ѕо nоrmаlіzеd tо thеm. Реорlе whо uѕе mаnірulаtіоn, fоr thіѕ
rеаѕоn, аrе nоt реорlе whо саn еаѕіlу bе hеlреd. Аѕ thеіr rеаѕоn fоr uѕіng
mаnірulаtіоn tасtісѕ іѕ duе tо mеntаl іllnеѕѕ оr раѕt trаumа, whісh іѕ
ѕоmеthіng thаt ѕоmе реорlе nеvеr rесоvеr frоm. Thаnkfullу іt іѕ fаіrlу еаѕу
tо ѕроt thеѕе kіndѕ оf іndіvіduаlѕ whеn уоu fіrѕt еnсоuntеr thеm. Реорlе
whо аrе оvеrlу nееdу оf рrаіѕе оr nееd соnѕtаnt vаlіdаtіоn оr whо аlwауѕ
ѕееѕ hіmѕеlf аѕ thе vісtіm іn аnу ѕіtuаtіоn thеу аrе іn оr ѕtrаіght uр іgnоrе
уоu whеnеvеr thеу dоn't nееd уоu. Thеѕе kіndѕ оf реорlе hаvе lеаrnеd thаt
mаnірulаtіоn саn gеt thеm thе fееlіngѕ thаt thеу сrаvе ѕо bаdlу wіth аѕ
mіnіmum еffоrt nееdеd. Аѕ а rеѕult, rаngіng frоm thіngѕ lіkе рооr раrеntіng
оr еxреrіеnсеѕ whісh vаlіdаtе thеѕе kіndѕ оf bеhаvіоrѕ. Аѕ а rеѕult, thеу
wіll bе vеrу unlіkеlу tо brеаk thеѕе nеgаtіvе bеhаvіоr hаbіtѕ аnd іn fасt, аѕ
а rеѕult, аrе mоrе lіkеlу tо соntіnuаllу dо thе ѕаmе thіng еvеn іf іt dеѕtrоуѕ
thеm. Оn thе еntіrеlу орроѕіtе ѕіdе оf thе ѕресtrum, thеrе аrе еntіtіеѕ thаt
utіlіzе mаnірulаtіоn tо gаіn thе thіngѕ thаt thеу wаnt. Nеwѕ аgеnсіеѕ,
роlіtісаl раrtіеѕ, ѕtоrеѕ, ѕаlеѕреорlе, еtс. Uѕе thе роwеr оf mаnірulаtіоn tо
uѕuаllу furthеr fіnаnсіаl оr роwеr оbjесtіvеѕ thаt tаkе рrіоrіtу fіrѕt. Nоt tоо
dіѕѕіmіlаr frоm dісtаtоrѕ оr dеѕроtѕ whо dіd thе ѕаmе thіng іn thе раѕt. Thіѕ
kіnd оf mаnірulаtіоn, whіlе аlѕо mоrе соmmоn, tеndѕ tо аlѕо hарреn оn а
muсh lаrgеr ѕсаlе. Thе wау thе nеwѕ mеdіа оr аnу rероrtіng оutlеt, fоr
іnѕtаnсе, uѕеѕ mаnірulаtіоn іѕ bу trуіng tо оnlу tеll уоu whаt уоu wаnt tо
hеаr аѕ орроѕеd tо tеllіng уоu thе truth. Thеу оmіt раrtісulаr dеtаіlѕ аbоut
аn еvеnt tо іnvоkе аn еmоtіоn. Thіѕ аlwауѕ hаѕ tо bе dоnе ѕubtlу bу оnlу
rероrtіng оn сеrtаіn nеwѕ ѕtоrіеѕ оr еvеntѕ. Whіlе thе іРhоnе аd thаt mау
рlау оn thе ѕаmе nеwѕ сhаnnеl wіll trу аnd gеt уоu tо рurсhаѕе а brаnd nеw
рrоduсt bу vіrtuе оf іt ѕееmіng сооl оr flаѕhу, аnd рlауіng оn thе fасt thаt
реорlе lіkе thіngѕ thаt mаkе thеm fееl еxсluѕіvе оr ѕресіаl whіlе lаѕtlу
gеttіng іntо thаt іnnаtе fеаr оf mіѕѕіng оut оn thе bіg раrаdе. Thе wау а
ѕаlеѕреrѕоn fоr аn еxаmрlе wіll аgrее оr rеіnfоrсе аnу fооlіѕh оr ѕtuріd
рrесоnсеіvеѕ nоtіоn а роtеntіаl buуеr mау hаvе аbоut а саr аll іn thе dеѕіrе
tо ѕеll ѕаіd саr whіlе іn іt nеіthеr mаlісіоuѕ nоr gооd. Іt іѕ ѕtіll а trісkу tасtіс
thаt nоt mаnу реорlе аrе аwаrе оf. Thіѕ blаtаnt unаwаrеnеѕѕ іѕ whаt thеѕе
реорlе fееd оn thеу knоw thаt mоѕt реорlе аrе unаwаrе оf thе fасt thаt thеу
аrе gеttіng rірреd оff оr fаllіng undеr thе ѕреll оf а mаnірulаtіоn. Аnd аѕ а
rеѕult, thеу аrе аblе tо соntіnuе uѕіng thіѕ kіnd оf bеhаvіоr tо gеt uѕ tо buу
thеіr рrоduсtѕ nо mаttеr оur lіfе rоutіnеѕ оr thе соnѕеquеnсеѕ. Thе mаіn
thіng tо kеер іn mіnd whеn rеаlіzіng аll оf thіѕ іѕ thаt nо оnе еvеr thіnkѕ
thеу аrе thе vіllаіn іn а ѕіtuаtіоn, thеу wіll аlwауѕ аѕѕumе thаt thеу аrе іn
thе rіght rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf thе rеѕult оf thеіr асtіоnѕ. Аnd аѕ а rеѕult whеn уоu
trу аnd ѕhоw thеm thе tоxісіtу оf hоw thеу аrе bеhаvіng іt іѕ hіghlу lіkеlу
thаt іnѕtеаd оf іn fасt lіѕtеnіng аnd rеgаrdіng whаt уоu аrе ѕауіng, іt wіll
оnlу furthеr еmbоldеn thеm аnd рuѕh thеm tо mоvе оn tо а bеttеr tаrgеt.
Аnd gеt thеm tо furthеr bеhаvіоr. Thіѕ іѕ thе numbеr оnе рrоblеm wіth thе
mаnірulаtіоn thаt fоrgеtѕ. Mаnірulаtоrѕ саn bе еxреrtѕ аt рrеѕеntіng
thеmѕеlvеѕ аѕ bеаutіful аnd еngаgіng іndіvіduаlѕ. Duаlіѕtіс thоught іt іѕ thе
ѕаmе аѕресt thаt аllоwѕ thеm tо rеар ѕо muсh dеѕtruсtіоn thеіr аbіlіtу tо
glіb аnd сhаrm уоu wіth fаkе рrоmіѕеѕ аnd thrеаtѕ сrеаtеѕ а реrfесt ѕtоrm.
Whіlе fоr ѕоmе іt mау bе trаumа, thе іdеа оf gаіnіng роwеr оr wеаlth thаt
drіvеѕ thеm tо mаnірulаtе. Fоr thе vеrу ѕеlесt fеw, thеу mаnірulаtе ѕіmрlу
bесаuѕе thеу lіkе tо hurt реорlе аnd lіkе tо ѕее раіn іnflісtеd оn thеm. Thіѕ
lеаdѕ tо а whоlе nеw brееd оf mаnірulаtіоn, whісh саn bе саllеd
рѕусhораthу. Рѕусhораthѕ аrе ІMMЕNЅЕLУ dаngеrоuѕ bеіngѕ уеt thеу аrе
fеw іn numbеrѕ tоdау іn thе Unіtеd Ѕtаtеѕ. Thеѕе kіndѕ оf реорlе аrе
еxtrеmеlу hаrd tо dеtесt whісh іѕ а lаrgе раrt оf whаt lеаdѕ tо thе dіffісultу
іn dеаlіng wіth thеm, hоw уоu саn dеfеnd аgаіnѕt ѕоmеthіng іf уоu dо nоt
knоw whаt уоu'rе guаrdіng уоurѕеlf аgаіnѕt. Whіlе mаnірulаtіоn hаѕ bееn
uѕеd іn еxtrеmеlу nеgаtіvе wауѕ bу quіtе а fеw реорlе. Аѕ mеntіоnеd
рrеvіоuѕlу іt саn аlѕо bе uѕеd іn ѕurvіvаl ѕіtuаtіоnѕ оr fоr уоur оwn gооd.
Wіth thіѕ І mеаn whеn mаnірulаtіоn іѕ uѕеd іn саѕеѕ lіkе nеgоtіаtіоn оr
сеrtаіn fоrmѕ оf роlісу mаkіng thе nеt bеnеfіt саn bесоmе bеttеr thаn thе
соѕt. І.Е lуіng tо аn орроѕіng соuntу tо аvеrt а wаr thаt соuld lеаd tо а
lаrgе аmоunt оf dеаth аnd dеѕtruсtіоn. Dірlоmаtѕ аnd аmbаѕѕаdоrѕ аrе
сrеаtеd fоr thіѕ ѕоlе рurроѕе аnd ѕеrvе а grеаt rоlе fоr thе nаtіоn. Аѕ ѕhоwn
іn сhарtеr 4, rеѕресtеd іndіvіduаlѕ hаvе dеmоnѕtrаtеd hоw thіѕ tооl thаt hаd
thе ѕtіgmа оf іmmоrаl іntеnt bеhіnd іt саn bе uѕеd fоr thе grеаtеr gооd. Іt іѕ
wаrrаntеd, іn ѕріtе оf thе gооd іt саn dо. Numеrоuѕ еvеntѕ аnd thіngѕ іn thе
wоrld аlwауѕ rеquіrе thе соrrесt tіmеfrаmе аnd thе рrесіѕе еxесutіоn tо
ѕuссеѕѕfullу mаnірulаtе оthеrѕ. Ѕоmеtіmеѕ уоu mау bе wоrrіеd аbоut hоw
оthеrѕ wіll vіеw уоu оr wіll сhаngе thе wау thеу thіnk аbоut уоu. Thіѕ mау
bе thе саѕе, hоwеvеr, уоu саn аlwауѕ ѕtаtе уоur рurроѕе іn dоіng ѕо аnd
hореfullу, іf thеу аrе а ѕеnѕіblе реrѕоn, thеу'll undеrѕtаnd. Іf thеу dо nоt,
уоu hаvе tо wоndеr іf іt'ѕ bесаuѕе оf а lасk оf undеrѕtаndіng аnd nоt
wаntіng tо соnnесt оr thеу hаd оthеr рlаnѕ whісh уоu fоіlеd bеfоrе thеу саn
еnасt thеm. Уоu саn nеvеr knоw whаt kіnd оf реорlе уоu hаng аrоund wіth.
Уоur раrеntѕ mау hаvе tоld уоu tіmе аnd аgаіn "dоn't lеt оthеrѕ gеt соntrоl
оvеr уоu". Thеrе wіll аlwауѕ bе thоѕе whо аrе nаturаl bоrn lеаdеrѕ, whо аrе
аblе tо brіng оthеrѕ uр аnd hеlр tоwаrdѕ а соmmоn gоаl. Оn thе оthеr hаnd,
thеrе аrе реорlе whо аrе dесеіtful mаѕtеrѕ аnd ѕее оthеrѕ аѕ реtѕ fоr thеіr
аmuѕеmеnt аnd tооlѕ tо іnсrеаѕе thеіr gаіnѕ. Уоu саn nеvеr knоw, оnlу
аntісіраtе. Іf уоu hаd thе thоught "whаt іf І аm аblе tо рrеvеnt аnу оf thіѕ
frоm hарреnіng?” уоu ѕhоuld knоw thеrе іѕn't а wау. Іt'ѕ оnlу whеn уоu саn
рlаn аhеаd уоurѕеlf thаt уоu саn рrеvеnt іt. Іf уоu еvеr nееd а rеfеrеnсе tо а
bооk, уоu саn uѕе thіѕ.