SELF-HELP A NEW HARBINGER SELF-HELP WORKBOOK

The Mindfulness
Break the Addiction Cycle with 10 TH
This Powerful Workbook—
Now Fully Revised & Updated!
The ANNIVERSARY
EDITION

If you struggle with addiction, know that you are not alone. Addictive
behaviors are often the result of loss—the loss of a job, the death of a loved
one, or even the end of a romantic relationship. You may have turned to alcohol,
Mindfulness
Workbook for
drugs, or other unhealthy behaviors to avoid the pain of loss. But this often only

Workbook for Addiction

delays the healing process, and can ultimately lead to a destructive cycle that
leaves you feeling trapped. So, how can you break free?

Addiction
This new edition of The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction will help you
identify the root cause of your addictive behaviors, while providing healthy
coping strategies to deal with the stress, anxiety, and depression that can come
from experiencing a loss. This edition also explores the strong connection
between mental health and addiction recovery, and offers new guided
meditations to help you fully process the difficult emotions at the heart of S E CO N D E D I T I O N
your addiction, so you can finally move forward in your life.

This workbook will help you:

“Warm, practical, 3 Determine the function your addiction is serving A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress &
and relatable.” 3 Develop healthy coping skills for dealing with loss
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD,
cohost of the Psychologists
3
3
Find relief from intense emotions
Avoid addiction “triggers”
Anger That Trigger Addictive Behaviors
Off the Clock podcast
3 Heal broken relationships and build a support system

SECOND
EDITION
REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, PhD, is an award-winning author, psychologist, and wellness expert
specializing in healthy recovery from mental illness, addiction, and life challenges. Her work focuses
on building resilience and promoting well-being throughout life.
JULIE S. KRAFT, MA, LMFT, is an award-winning author, and a licensed marriage and family
therapist specializing in recovery from addiction, anxiety, depression, and challenging relationships.
She is grateful for the chance to help clients find greater peace, joy, and fulfillment. AN
WILLIAMS INTEGRATIVE
REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, PhD
KRAFT

APPROACH
USING ACT,
JULIE S. KRAFT, MA, LMFT
CBT & DBT
newharbingerpublications
w w w. n e w h a r b i n g e r . c o m
“We combed through stacks of addiction workbooks before finding The Mindfulness Workbook
for Addiction. With a blend of engaging narrative and practical tools, the authors show people
that it’s possible to feel and move on from years of underlying emotional trauma. With this
essential manual on everyday mindful living, thousands have found satisfaction and sus-
tained recovery through newfound self-acceptance and emotional intelligence.”
—Daniel Manson, CATC and CATC-CS, president of Elevate Addiction Services,
with over twenty-two years working in the substance abuse treatment industry

“Warm, practical, and relatable, this guide to recovery is loaded with proven strategies to
manage the emotional pain that drives addiction. It’s an indispensable tool for those strug-
gling with addictive behaviors, their loved ones, and their treatment providers.”
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD, assistant professor at Brown University, and
cohost of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast

“This book represents an essential journey to a deeper understanding and healing from addic-
tion. Step by step, it masterfully takes you through this process in a way only someone with
extensive clinical experience treating addiction can provide. It is simple to follow with insight-
ful exercises, and stays true to the science behind addiction. Whether new or experienced in
recovery or mindfulness, this book will take you deeper through your healing.”
—Amer Raheemullah, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and
behavioral sciences at Stanford University, and director of the addiction
medicine consult service at Stanford Hospital

“This inspired and comprehensive guidebook is the healing journey that we wish everyone
struggling with addictions would have access to. Through inspirational practices, the authors
engage readers to actively become part of their next-level metamorphosis. In its second
edition, this guide integrates many of the traumas we recently experienced as a collective,
and how we can move forward post-pandemic. This book delivers a journey toward self-
understanding, self-acceptance, self-love, and transformation.”
—Britt Deanda and Tara Schulenberg, founders and creators of Elevate the Globe,
and coauthors of Good Morning Intentions
“This masterfully designed workbook distills proven strategies and interventions from mul-
tiple schools of psychotherapy into a holistic and practical guide that is sure to be a powerful
catalyst for recovery. Guided by the trusted wisdom of experienced and hope-inspiring clini-
cians, the reader will learn to transform their relationship with their emotions and resolve the
painful losses that are so often at the root of addictions.”
—Dimitri Perivoliotis, PhD, psychologist at the VA San Diego Healthcare
System; associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California,
San Diego School of Medicine; and coauthor of Recovery-Oriented Cognitive
Therapy for Serious Mental Health Conditions

“Mindfulness is such a powerful recovery tool. This workbook creates a beautifully accessible
set of practices for supporting sustained recovery. Perfect for beginners or those experienced
in mindfulness and therapy. A wonderful addition for any therapist or person seeking
recovery.”
—Celisa Flores, PsyD, NBCC, E-RYT, international speaker, integration coach,
mindfulness facilitator, and Center for Discovery clinical outreach representative

“Addictive behaviors thrive during times of grief, stress, and anger. The authors have created
an excellent, easy-to-follow guide for dealing with these difficult emotions, making it perfect
even if your feelings are running high and your addicted mind is running amuck. In this
practical road map, you will find helpful exercises to develop the mindfulness skills needed to
cope with these challenging emotions and overcome any barriers life throws at you.”
—Duane Osterlind, LMFT, CSAT, host of The Addicted Mind podcast,
and founder of Novus Mindful Life Institute

“Using insightful exercises and practical, real-life examples, Rebecca Williams and Julie Kraft
lay a solid and accessible foundation for using mindfulness and inquiry to help us heal from
addiction.”
—Katy Cryer, MS, author of Yoga for Addiction
 The
Mindfulness
Workbook for
Addiction
S E CO N D EDI TI O N

A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress &

Anger That Trigger Addictive Behaviors

REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, PhD

JULIE S. KRAFT, MA, LMFT

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

 Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold
with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services.
If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

The names and events in this workbook are fictional. Any likeness to real people is coincidental.

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

New Harbinger Publications is an employee-owned company.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2022 by Rebecca E. Williams and Julie S. Kraft

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi; Edited by Jean Blomquist

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Names: Williams, Rebecca E. (Rebecca Edith), author. | Kraft, Julie S, author.
Title: The mindfulness workbook for addiction : a guide to coping with the grief, stress, and anger that
trigger addictive behaviors / Rebecca E. Williams and Julie S Kraft.
Description: Second edition. | Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, [2022] | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021045015 | ISBN 9781684038107 (trade paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Compulsive behavior--Treatment--Handbooks, manuals, etc. | Cognitive therapy--
Handbooks, manuals, etc. | Acceptance and commitment therapy--Handbooks, manuals, etc. |
Dialectical behavior therapy--Handbooks, manuals, etc.
Classification: LCC RC533 .W478 2022 | DDC 616.89/1425--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021045015

Printed in the United States of America

24  23  22
10  9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2  1 First printing
 To Michael, best decision I ever made.
—Rebecca

To Sean Markley, for filling my life with love, laughter, and family.
—Julie

For everyone in recovery, keep going.

—Rebecca & Julie
 Contents

Preface to the Second Edition ix

Introduction 1

Part 1: Getting to Know the Main Concepts and Skills

Chapter 1 Emotions 7

Chapter 2 Thoughts 27

Chapter 3 Behaviors 45

Chapter 4 Mindfulness 67

Part 2: Looking at Your Losses

Chapter 5 Loss 81

Chapter 6 Addiction 95

Chapter 7 Connecting Addiction and Loss 113

Chapter 8 Mindful Grieving 129

Part 3: Moving Forward

Chapter 9 Relationships 145

Chapter 10 More Mindfulness 175

Chapter 11 Mental Health 189

Chapter 12 Wellness in Recovery 205

Acknowledgments  219

References 221
 Exercises

Exercise 1.1 Journal Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

Exercise 1.2 Identifying Your False Beliefs About Emotions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
Exercise 1.3 Emotion-Dodging Methods. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Exercise 1.4 Consequences of Emotion Dodging. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Exercise 1.5 Learning About Your Feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Exercise 1.6 How Would You Feel? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Exercise 1.7 Connecting Emotions to Life Situations. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Exercise 2.1 Identifying Your Repeat-Offender Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Exercise 2.2 Where Did Your Repeat-Offender Thoughts Come From?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Exercise 2.3 Consider the Evidence Worksheet. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Exercise 3.1 Reflecting on Your Behaviors. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Exercise 3.2 Practice Choosing the Opposite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Exercise 3.3 The Birthday Toast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
Exercise 3.4 Uncover Your Values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Exercise 3.5 Reflecting on Values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Exercise 3.6 Making Decisions Based on Values. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65
Exercise 4.1 Observe Your Mind. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68
Exercise 4.2 Imagine the Space. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
Exercise 4.3 Study an Object . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
Exercise 4.4 Count the Sounds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
Exercise 4.5 Be Focused and Fascinated. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
Exercise 4.6 Be in Your Body. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
Exercise 4.7 Walking with Words. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
Exercise 4.8 It Is What It Is. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
Exercise 5.1 Losses Checklist. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
Exercise 5.2 Identifying Your Losses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
Exercise 5.3 How Resolved Is Your Loss? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88
Exercise 5.4 Loss Impact Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
Exercise 5.5 Your Responses to Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
Exercise 6.1 Identify Addictions Worksheet: Alcohol, Drugs, and Caffeine. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
Exercise 6.2 Checklist of Addiction Signs: Alcohol or Drugs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Exercise 6.3 Identify Addictions Worksheet: Other Troubling Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102
Exercise 6.4 Checklist of Addiction Signs: Troubling Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Exercise 6.5 Time Line of Addictive Behavior. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
Exercise 6.6 Wellness Script . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110
Exercise 7.1 Creating Your Addiction-and-Loss Time Line . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
viii   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Exercise 7.2 Reflecting on Your Addiction-and-Loss Time Line. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118

Exercise 7.3 The Loss Anniversary Calendar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122
Exercise 7.4 Specific Triggers Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124
Exercise 8.1 Being an Observer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
Exercise 8.2 What Your Stages Look Like. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133
Exercise 8.3 Denial: Acknowledging Your Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
Exercise 8.4 Anger: Calming Color Meditation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
Exercise 8.5 Bargaining: Releasing Control. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138
Exercise 8.6 Depression: One Step at a Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138
Exercise 8.7 Acceptance: From Resistance to Letting Go. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139
Exercise 8.8 Unwrapping Your Feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140
Exercise 8.9 The Gift to Yourself. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Exercise 9.1 List of Common Social Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
Exercise 9.2 Practicing “I” Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
Exercise 9.3 Practicing Your Listening Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152
Exercise 9.4 Qualities of Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
Exercise 9.5 Identifying Your Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
Exercise 9.6 Letter of Invitation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161
Exercise 9.7 Healing Conversation Format. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164
Exercise 9.8 Healing Conversation Action Plan. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
Exercise 9.9 The Commit to Quit Agreement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168
Exercise 9.10 Keep Track of Your Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Exercise 10.1 Leaves Down a Stream . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 176
Exercise 10.2 Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
Exercise 10.3 Open Body Posture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 180
Exercise 10.4 Nonjudgmental Phrases . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
Exercise 10.5 Practice Gratitude. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182
Exercise 10.6 The Self-Compassion Letter. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
Exercise 10.7 Acts of Kindness Toward Yourself. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
Exercise 10.8 Loving-Kindness Meditation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
Exercise 11.1 Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Depression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Exercise 11.2 Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Anxiety . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
Exercise 11.3 Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . . . . . . . . . 196
Exercise 11.4 Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Bipolar Disorder. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
Exercise 11.5 Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Psychosis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
Exercise: 11.6 Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
Exercise 12.1 The Mindful Sleep Checklist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 209
Exercise 12.2 Work as a Gift. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 213
Exercise 12.3 Pleasant Activities List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
 Preface to the Second Edition

T here have been many research advances since our first edition of The Mindfulness
Workbook for Addiction was published in 2012. We now have even more evidence that
mindfulness to support your recovery really works! According to current research, mindful-
ness-based interventions effectively reduce cravings for substance use and decrease stress in
substance-using clients. Mindfulness also has positive effects on your thinking, emotions, and
brain processes. This is great news for your healing!
With a focus on the power of mindfulness for mental health, we have added several new
exercises to our existing chapters and two brand-new chapters to this edition: Chapter 10,
More Mindfulness, provides additional core skills for our readers. These skills can be used
daily, in weekly in-person or virtual therapy sessions, or even in group therapy. Chapter 11,
Mental Health, addresses the depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar dis-
order, and psychosis that may show up for some people. Dual diagnosis (dealing with both
addiction and another mental health diagnosis) is extremely common. Exploring other mental
health challenges that might be troubling you is a smart way to understand your recovery and
get extra help if you need it.
Along with these new chapters and other useful updates, we had one additional goal for
this second edition—to make worksheets and exercises easier for you to access and use.
There are now over seventy worksheets and exercises throughout the book. For your conve-
nience, many of these are now available to download at the website for this book: http://
www.newharbinger.com/48107. What better way to learn about addiction recovery and
practice your mindfulness skills than to have these materials at your fingertips?
We applaud you for embarking on this exciting journey of deep healing. Know that we are
with you along the way to support you in your recovery. To our readers, welcome. We are so
excited you have decided to take this journey with us!
 Introduction

This very moment is the perfect teacher, and lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.
—Pema Chödrön

T erence always liked drinking, but it was never like this before. Since he lost his job, his
nightly beers seem to be the only thing he really looks forward to. When he isn’t drink-
ing, his mind is full of cruel thoughts: you’re such a loser; you’ll never find another job. When
he’s drunk, at least the thoughts get fuzzy and harder to hear. Sometimes Terence starts
drinking hours ahead of when he planned to; he just can’t wait.
Cassandra was prescribed a fast-acting antianxiety medication in high school. It helped a
lot at first, so she didn’t go to therapy. When her worries about the future flooded in and
made her heart pound, she just took one of her pills. Cassandra is twenty-four when COVID-
19 turns the world upside down. Suddenly isolated from friends, and frightened for her aging
parents, she turns even more often to her pills for comfort. She runs out of her prescriptions
faster than she can fill them. Cassandra can’t seem to sleep, and her anxiety isn’t getting any
better, only worse. She gets the feeling her solution might be part of the problem.

Getting Started
Why is it so hard to find calm? Why does life feel like it is conspiring against you? Why is
recovery so challenging? Like Terence, Cassandra, and many others whose stories we share in
this workbook, you may find that your addictive impulses and behaviors confuse, overwhelm,
or even control you. Congratulations for starting this workbook and making a move toward
recovery! We are here to answer some of your most pressing questions about addiction and
recovery. It is certainly possible to get back to the life you really want. There is a way out of
addiction, and you are taking the first step!
2   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Who Can This Book Help?

This workbook is for you if you struggle with addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors are
things that you keep doing, even though they are hurting you, and that you just can’t seem to
stop doing even when you want to. This workbook will help you if you are new to recovery,
or if you are already in long-term recovery and hope to improve your social and emotional
worlds and prevent relapse. Throughout our workbook, we’ve sprinkled lots of mindfulness
skills and strategies to calm your mind. In this second edition, we have added a new chapter
(chapter 10) with more mindfulness skills to keep your ability to find the quiet, peaceful place
front and center in your recovery. There is also a new chapter on mental health with the
information you need to take control of your emotional health (chapter 11). We provide you
with ways to understand and manage your emotional world as you journey deeper into your
recovery.
In this workbook, we offer you a way to change your relationship to addictive behaviors.
In the process, you may have fewer cravings and your triggers may be less intense. This work-
book is designed to help you find long-term wellness and recovery. This means that you will
not only work on the symptoms you have now, but also get down to the source of them. You
will get to know your thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns. You will also reflect on your
losses. Your losses are the events in your life that have had a lot of impact on you, that have
led to strong emotions, and that likely drive you to do the things you are addicted to. The
exercises in this book will guide you through the process of learning what your losses are and
healing from them.
The goals of this workbook are to:

• decrease or stop the behaviors you are addicted to,

• understand your emotional world and how to take care of it,

• teach healthy coping skills,

• discuss the causes behind your addictions and promote healing where it matters most:
at the source,

• teach positive interpersonal and communication skills to help you improve your rela-
tionships, and

• give you hands-on, easy-to-do exercises and activities that will guide you toward the
life you desire.
 Introduction   3

How to Use This Workbook

This workbook is filled with useful information, case studies to help you relate to new ideas,
and exercises designed to give you the tools to change your life. The best way to become
handy with these tools is to use them!
Reading a thousand fitness magazines won’t get you into shape, right? You have to take
action and do the work yourself. With that in mind, you will get the most out of this work-
book if you do these things:

• Work through the book chapter by chapter. The chapters go in order for a reason,
and each one will build on the skills that came before.

• Complete the worksheets and practice the exercises. You may even want to down-
load some of the worksheets to use more than once. This is what it’s all about!

• Keep a journal. There is space in the workbook for you to answer journal questions,
but we strongly suggest writing in your personal journal as well. This is a great way to
reflect on what you are learning and explore how you are feeling as you move through
the healing process.

• Talk to a counselor or therapist. This workbook is designed for you to do the work
yourself, and you will get results that way. But exploring issues and feelings with a
licensed professional will take you to an even deeper level as you move through the
process. You can talk to a professional in person or virtually—whichever works best
for you!

Always keep in mind that the effort you put into this healing process determines what
you will get out of it. It’s up to you how much work you put in and how much you take away
from this process—and you are worth the work! You are starting a healing journey that will
lead you out of addiction and into peace. With new awareness, we will guide you to what
matters most for a meaningful and joyful life. Let’s get started!
 PART 1

Getting to Know the Main

Concepts and Skills
 CHAPTER 1

Emotions

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
—Henry S. Haskins

L ong ago, something taught you that feelings aren’t safe. You learned that grief, rage, frus-
tration, stress, loneliness, and guilt were your enemies. Maybe you started to believe that
they had superpowers, like the power to completely overwhelm you or the power to make you
destroy all that you love. Maybe these feelings seemed to have the ability to knock you off
your feet for good so that you can’t live your life. Maybe it seemed that once the feelings got
you in their grasp, you could never tell what you might do. Maybe you learned that you would
never be okay unless you found a way not to feel.
So, naturally, you went looking for a solution. Maybe you’ve spent your life shadowboxing,
always ready to throw a counterpunch against a feeling that tries to rise up inside of you.
Maybe you’ve thrown other things at your feelings: a drink, a drug, a gallon of ice cream.
It’s as if you’ve made a little contract with yourself:

I,            , will do whatever it takes not to feel my feelings. I am sure

that emotions are the most dangerous things in the world. To win the war against my feel-
ings, I am willing to live a life that is limited. I will never be my whole self. I will avoid my
feelings by             (drinking, using, sleeping, having sex, gambling,
cutting, eating, binge-watching television, and so on) as much as possible—the more, the
better.
Feeling my feelings will surely kill me. So, I will give up most of my life rather than let
my feelings exist.
8   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

The “No Feeling” Contract

In signing this contract, you have also made a deal with your addiction. You’ve said:

• I will let my addiction dominate me, control me, rule my life.

• I will let my addiction take everything from me.

• I will give up on my dreams.

• I will give up on being the person I want to be.

• I will give up real happiness, real love, and good health.

• I will let my addiction destroy me.

Just don’t make me feel. Promise? Why would anyone make a deal like this? Maybe you
didn’t know what you were really signing up for when you started. You probably didn’t read
the fine print. Most addictive behaviors don’t start off bringing the awful consequences and
pain that they do later on. As one addict put it, “Long before it was a problem, it was my solu-
tion.” Your addictive behaviors probably started as a “solution” for you too.
Does this sound strange? Maybe you are thinking, How was my addiction a solution to my
problems? It couldn’t bring back the people or things I lost. It definitely didn’t solve my financial
problems. And if anything, it made my relationships even harder!
Certainly, drinking alcohol, overeating, using drugs, or doing other addictive behaviors
did not solve your immediate problems. Life is full of hard times, tragedies, and losses, and not
one of them goes away when you get drunk. But the truth is, you aren’t trying to solve your
actual problems with your addictive behaviors. The problems you are trying to solve are your
emotions. You are looking for a way to escape them, bury them, hide from them, or try to turn
them into something else. Your addiction let you do this for a while. It’s your temporary solu-
tion to the problem of feeling.

Loss and Emotion

Throughout this workbook, you will be thinking about loss. Looking at the losses that have
happened in your life will help you see why you do your addictive behavior and give you more
power in your fight for recovery. But why, specifically, are we looking at loss? Because loss, by
its very nature, brings up emotions. When you experience loss, and throughout your life as
you cope with old losses, you may feel angry, sad, stressed, or fearful. You may feel helpless,
 Emotions   9

lonely, or betrayed. Sometimes you may even feel relieved, detached, or numb. It’s likely that
you will experience a whole range of feelings: sometimes three at once, sometimes twelve in
the course of one day. At times, feelings will seem to hit like a tidal wave, knocking you to
the ground from behind. At other times, they may seem like a dog nipping at your heels hour
after hour, desperate to get your attention. At still other times, these feelings may be tiny fleas
that leave you squirming and itching all over.
One of the aims of this book is to help you accept and tolerate your feelings. Notice that
we didn’t say change your feelings. Trying to change, decrease, control, or avoid feelings is part
of what led to the addictive behavior you are trying to stop. Once you have worked through
this book, you will probably feel less angry, stressed, hurt, hopeless, and afraid. But the most
important point is that your feelings do not have to change for you to be okay. You are already
okay.
This may sound like a radical idea. We can understand that. As we will explain later, you
have learned a lot of things about feelings that aren’t true. Part of the work ahead of you will
be to unlearn the lessons that have been leading you astray. Keep an open mind; changing
your mind will change your life!

Embracing the Dog

A moment ago, we noted one way you might experience emotion: as a dog nipping at your
heels. Let’s explore that a little further so you can better understand how you may be respond-
ing to emotions in your life.
Picture your emotions as this dog: a mangy mutt you have no interest in adopting but who
has somehow set up residence in your life. You have tried everything to get rid of this pesky
beast. Why wouldn’t you? There he is, day after day, under your desk at work, pulling at your
pant leg, jumping up on you in the grocery store, distracting you when you are trying to drive.
He doesn’t smell great either. You try locking this dog out of your house or keeping him in the
garage. You even try leaving him at a friend’s house all the way across town, but there he is
on the doorstep when you get home. He just sits there, waiting for you.
There are mornings when you wake up certain that this dog isn’t going to bother you
today, but within a few hours, he turns up, barking outside your shower door or pawing at you
on your lunch break. Every day, you are getting more frustrated, more and more convinced
that until you get rid of this dog, you’ll be living in hell. You think, I won’t be able to stand
another day of this. You think, If this dog doesn’t leave me alone soon, I’m going to go crazy.
It never occurs to you to embrace the dog. He is here to stay, after all. He is a part of your
life, like it or not. You may not have invited him into your world, but he sure isn’t leaving it.
Can you accept that? Can you accept this dog?
10   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Now imagine that you take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and take a good, long look at
this dog. He isn’t scary, really—more irritating than anything else. He just seems so needy,
always scrambling for attention. Something in you begins to surrender. You give up. You
shrug your shoulders, bend down, and pet the dog.
The strangest thing happens. He calms down. He stops nipping at you, stops pulling at
your pant leg, and rolls over. Mystified, you stroke his belly for a minute and then make him
a small bowl of food. He eats, finds a place near where you are sitting, curls up, and falls
asleep.
This goes on for months. The dog is always near you; he never fully leaves you alone. A
couple of times a day, you have to feed him and show him some affection. If you don’t, he goes
back to his old ways. He starts nipping and snarling, and driving you nuts. But as long as you
notice him when he needs to be noticed, he isn’t that much of a bother. He’s always there, but
not so much of a nuisance—just a part of life.
Think of all the time you might have wasted battling that dog—maybe days, weeks, or
even months! You waste just as much time and energy trying to get rid of your emotions. Just
like that dog, they are here to stay. They are a part of your life.

EXERCISE 1.1 Journal Questions

• Does this metaphor fit for you: your emotions as a pesky dog that you are avoiding?

• If not, take some time to brainstorm and come up with an image that makes sense
for you. Write about it in as much detail as you can. Be creative! Seeing your emo-
tions in new ways will change your relationship to them.

• If the metaphor does fit for you, how do you picture your dog? Is he a Chihuahua, a
Great Dane, a pit bull? How aggressive does he get when he needs your attention?

• When you try to ignore your dog, where is he most likely to turn up? While you are
working, driving, eating? When you are alone, or with others? Does he wake you up
at night and make it hard for you to sleep?

• Have you ever tried embracing your dog? What is the result when you give him
some attention?
 Emotions   11

Your Dog and Your Addiction

After you’ve had a loss, whether it was a recent event or a loss from years ago that you’ve
never dealt with, you may find yourself with a whole truckload of dogs to deal with. You may
try to ignore those feelings, even as they become bolder and bolder at demanding your atten-
tion. To avoid, ignore, or dismiss your natural emotions that come up, you do more of the
things that bring short-term relief. You may seek refuge in things like gambling, drinking,
abusing prescription pills, having sex on impulse, or overeating. These and other addictions
give you short-term relief, but the long-term results are terrible. Over time, you fall into the
clutches of addiction and are flooded with even more negative emotions, such as fear, disgust,
loneliness, or helplessness. Your addiction turns that one dog into a wolf pack, snarling at
your door. Believing that you can’t stand these feelings either, you retreat even further into
the things you are addicted to. Little by little, you disappear from your own life.
Could the answer to getting you back on the right path be as simple as embracing the
dog?

Jim’s Story Jim suffers a spinal-cord injury that leaves him in a wheelchair at age
forty-two. His loss of mobility and sudden need for more support from his wife leave
him feeling frustrated, vulnerable, and afraid.
As a child, Jim was left in charge of his three younger siblings because his mother
abused drugs and alcohol. He learned not to ask for help from his mother, which
would only have led her to reject or abuse him.
Since being injured, Jim finds himself pulling away from his wife. He has started
watching pornography on the internet; it is soothing to pay attention to that
computer screen rather than risk his wife seeing the pain and struggle inside of him.
Jim’s pornography use increases rapidly, finally moving up to six or more hours each
day.
Feeling baffled, rejected, and alone, Jim’s wife insists that they go to couple’s
counseling. In this setting, their therapist begins to unravel the false messages Jim
learned as a child about feelings of need, pain, and fear.
Jim starts to notice an urge to look at pornography whenever feelings rise up
within him. It’s that “No Feeling” contract he signed, in which he agreed to give up
his life for addiction just to avoid his emotions. Being aware of this gives Jim the
chance to make other choices, ones that can lead him out of the cage of addiction.
12   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Unraveling Your False Beliefs About Emotions

If you or someone you know thought this workbook might help you, it’s likely that your “solu-
tion” to your emotions has become a problem. That can be a scary, painful, and embarrassing
thing to realize. Hang in there. There’s a road out of addiction, and you are taking the first
step. An important part of the work ahead is for you to understand how you relate to emo-
tions and to change any harmful ways that you manage them.
Think about it: what was it that made you choose to give up everything for your addic-
tion, even as it stopped being your solution and became the greatest source of problems in
your life?
Let’s look at some of your false beliefs about emotions that have led you to avoid them at
the expense of your life.

EXERCISE 1.2 Identifying Your False Beliefs

About Emotions
Here are some of the false beliefs about emotions that may be misleading you. Take a
look at the list and see if any of these ideas has influenced you. Check the ones that sound
familiar, and then add any other false beliefs that come to mind.

If I let myself grieve, I will be sad forever.

If I let myself be sad, I will become depressed and suicidal.

I won’t be able to stand losing this good thing. I have to get rid of it now.

If I tell others how I feel, they will use it against me.

If I tell others how I feel, they will think I am weak.

Mood swings come and go with no warning.

If I take the time to feel this feeling, it will mean putting my entire life on hold.

Other people don’t feel this way. There must be something wrong with me.

Only an immature person would get so emotional.

Anxiety is not a natural response; I have to get rid of it.

 Emotions   13

A good, strong, healthy person would not feel this way.

If someone else is having a different emotional reaction than I am, my emotional

reaction is wrong.

If I let myself feel this pain, it will kill me.

A strong person is fearless.

Letting myself feel bad would mean falling to pieces, being a total mess, or wallow-
ing in self-pity.

Good people don’t get angry.

Being an adult means not getting carried away by emotion; I’m supposed to be
rational!

If I had better self-esteem, I wouldn’t be nervous.

Having emotions means I’m a “drama queen.”

If I feel this emotion, I will lose all self-control.

Emotions like anger, hurt, and fear are destructive and dangerous.

Feelings can come out of nowhere.

I’m stupid for feeling this way. I should just suck it up!

Other False Beliefs:


14   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Taking a Closer Look

Let’s explore some of these false beliefs in more detail.

The false belief: If I let myself grieve, I will be sad forever. This particular false belief about
emotion has perhaps caused more pain than any other. Loss is a part of every human life. No
one is immune to loss. In fact, for most of us, losses are scattered across every chapter of our
life stories. You will read about this in greater detail later in the book, but for starters, let’s
address this idea, this false belief, that grieving will somehow go on forever.
You may have heard people say something like, “Well, I can’t fall apart right now; I have
kids to take care of.” That may be true, but what makes us think that giving ourselves the
time and space to experience a loss will cause us to “fall apart”? In truth, you are more likely
to “fall apart” when you try to stuff your natural emotions into a closet. You are also much
more likely to reach for your addictive behavior to try to keep that closet door shut.
The idea that you will be in a never-ending state of grief is reinforced when you do not let
yourself mourn. This is because the feelings in that closet are likely to sneak out. Remember
that pesky dog? The feelings try to force you to face them time and time again until you really
do.

The truth: Grief is a natural, healthy, and important part of healing. If you let yourself expe-
rience it, it will pass in good time.

The false belief: I won’t be able to tolerate losing this good thing; I have to get rid of it now. Many
people create situations in which they can never have the things they want most. Why on
earth do people do this? Because they are so afraid that they will not be able to handle the
way it would feel to lose those things they love. This simple fear can lead to more isolation,
and less and less joy in your life. If you have fallen for this belief, you may not even realize it.
You may actually toss aside or deny yourself some of the best gifts that show up on your door-
step: a wonderful, healthy relationship with someone great, an exciting new job, even moments
of self-care, like a much-needed coffee break. You may be avoiding the greatest pleasures in
life because you think it would be best that way. You are convinced that losing these good
things would be too hard.

The truth: You can tolerate your feelings! Loss is a normal part of life. The real tragedy is
denying yourself the joy that is part of life too.

The false beliefs: Other people don’t feel this way; there must be something wrong with me; a
strong person is fearless; good people don’t get angry. Thoughts like these send you the message
that feelings are unnatural. They make you believe that you are somehow flawed for
 Emotions   15

experiencing emotion. Being alive, being human, means experiencing the full range of human
emotions. Trying to discount the less pleasant emotions or expecting yourself not to have
them does nothing but increase your frustration and decrease your sense of self-worth.

The truth: Emotions are healthy and natural. It is our attempts to stop feeling that are
unnatural and lead us to unhealthy and addictive behaviors! Strong people experience fear,
and good people do indeed get angry.

The false belief: Feelings can come out of nowhere. As we will see later, feelings don’t come out
of nowhere; this is a myth. Still, it can certainly seem true! It may seem to you that you are
minding your own business and these emotions just come along. It may seem that your mood
swings any way it chooses, and there you are, hanging on for dear life. But the truth is, your
emotion is coming from somewhere: it’s coming from your mind. As you move further into
this chapter and later ones, you will learn to notice and observe what your mind is up to. You
will soon be able to predict your moods and trace your emotions back to their source. This
will help you understand your experience so that you are not left feeling hijacked by intense
and unpredictable emotions.

The truth: Emotions do come from somewhere; they come from your mind. You can learn to
connect your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Remember, you don’t need to blame anyone for the false beliefs you learned about feel-
ings. Chances are your parents, grandparents, siblings, and neighbors were all told the very
same lies. Maybe your parents told you that feelings made you weak because they, too, thought
feelings would harm you. They thought it would be best to teach you not to feel. Or maybe
they tried to teach you to have only “nice feelings,” leaving out the trickier ones like anger,
rage, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety. It’s no surprise that you believed these messages about
feelings and that you signed that “No Feeling” contract and gave your life away. Now you are
unraveling those false beliefs. This is the first step on your journey to reclaiming your life.

Emotion Dodging
At this point, it is beneficial to get a better understanding of the ways you have been trying
not to feel certain emotions. Some of these methods may be related to your addictive behav-
iors. Others may seem pretty harmless; the trouble arises only when you use these methods
again and again to hide from your feelings. Remember, locking that pesky barking dog in the
garage may work for a while, but the only way to find permanent peace is to accept him as a
part of your life.
16   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 1.3 Emotion-Dodging Methods

Look at some of the ways people try to control or get away from their feelings. Have you
ever used any of these methods to dodge a feeling? Place a check mark next to any you
have tried.

Watching too much TV

Smoking cigarettes

Turning off your phone or staying away from friends

Exercising too much

Eating too much

Gambling

Worrying over and over again about something you can’t control

Drinking alcohol

Using drugs

Using medications in ways your doctor did not prescribe

Cutting or harming yourself in other ways

Storming out to avoid a conversation

Lying about how you feel

Skipping work

Sleeping too much

Staying in bed

Complaining too much to others

Placing blame

Telling yourself, Suck it up or It’s no big deal

Shopping when you have no money

 Emotions   17

Other Emotion Dodging Methods:

Next, let’s look at an example to help you pinpoint ways that people dodge emotions and
what the results might be.

Jerry’s Story Jerry, a thirty-three-year-old construction worker, was married

once before, to his high-school sweetheart. She divorced him after his reckless
driving during an argument caused them to get into a serious car crash. Jerry has
been married to his current wife for three years, and the couple is expecting their
first child in a few months. Jerry recently lost his job and lost a good friend, when he
and the friend got into a fight at a job site.
Jerry comes to treatment with some very clear goals in mind. “I get so mad
sometimes,” he says. “I start to shake inside, actually shake, like having a tremor. My
wife is scared of me.” He looks away from the counselor sitting across from him and
stares at the wall instead. “I need to be less angry,” he decides.
Jerry goes on to explain that he has been working hard to control his emotions,
and for a while now, he has “succeeded” at controlling his anger. Success for Jerry
means not yelling, cursing, or verbally intimidating his wife, and not breaking
anything or causing damage to their house. Jerry achieves this in two ways: by
avoiding his wife as much as he can, sometimes hardly speaking to her at all and
never about anything that might frustrate him, and by smoking large amounts of
marijuana daily.
In Jerry’s work in therapy, it soon becomes clear that his biggest fear is of getting
angry. He will do just about anything to prevent this. In his experience, feeling anger
means getting out of control. It simply isn’t safe. He is sure his anger will destroy the
thing that matters most to him: his relationship with his wife. “If it keeps happening,
I know she’ll leave me,” he says. “I have to smoke weed to stay calm. It’s just better if
I’m numb.”
18   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

When Jerry reports that he has to smoke marijuana to be numb instead of angry, what is
he really saying? He is repeating the messages he has always heard about feelings: that his
only choices are to be knocked to his knees by his own feelings or find a way to “succeed” at
not feeling them at all.
Remember, life brings emotions no matter what. Along with joys and pleasures, life
includes pain and struggle (whether we like it or not). Hiding from these feelings and experi-
ences, or trying to ignore or control them, only increases our pain and unease in the long run.
Jerry’s attempts to dodge emotions are doomed to fail. Once Jerry learns to notice his frustra-
tion before it becomes rage, he can use it as a guide and begin to address what’s really bother-
ing him in a calm way.

EXERCISE 1.4 Consequences of Emotion Dodging

Now it’s your turn to take a good look at the ways that you have been dodging emotions
and what the results of those methods might be.
Look back at the list of “Emotion-Dodging Methods” (see the previous exercise) to see
which ones you have been using in your own life. It’s likely that you have used several, but
for now choose the five most common methods you use. Write each of your five methods in
the following spaces, and after them, write any consequences to using these methods that
you can think of. Start with your favorite emotion-dodging method. But first, think about
Jerry’s example for guidance.

Jerry’s Emotion-Dodging Strategies and Consequences

Jerry’s emotion-dodging strategies: smoking pot, avoiding difficult conversations, avoiding

my wife (perceived trigger of emotion)

Jerry’s consequences: loss of money (spent on drugs), not applying for certain jobs due to
drug testing, decreased motivation to do social activities, distance from my wife, lack of
relationship with her, fear of not being a good dad to my child
 Emotions   19

Your Emotion-Dodging Strategies and Consequences

Your emotion-dodging strategy: 

Possible consequences: 

Your emotion-dodging strategy: 

Possible consequences: 

Your emotion-dodging strategy: 

Possible consequences: 

Your emotion-dodging strategy: 

Possible consequences: 

Your emotion-dodging strategy: 

Possible consequences: 
20   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Getting to Know Your Feelings

Remember, the reason you started using these strategies was that you thought dodging your
feelings was the solution. The false beliefs you learned about emotions made you think you
had to avoid, decrease, or get rid of them.
Part of the trouble here is that you likely don’t know what you are dealing with. Most of
us have been avoiding our feelings for so long that we may not be able to tell what we are
feeling at all. You may not know what’s normal in the world of feeling, like grief, and when
you may need outside help—maybe therapy or other treatments—like for depression. It isn’t
surprising that emotions are not familiar to you. Think about the following analogy.
Imagine that you have a neighbor who has lived next door to you for thirty years. After
thirty years of living so close to one another, you would assume that you and he would have
some kind of relationship. But at some point early on, you heard a rumor about him. You
heard that he was a dangerous criminal, a heartless killer. It isn’t true; he’s a heck of a guy.
But nobody told you that. In fact, all the neighbors got the same misinformation that you got.
For thirty years, you have avoided this man at all costs, pretending not to hear him call out,
“Good morning,” from across the lawn; keeping your head down when he pulls into his drive-
way; never meeting his eye. You don’t know his name. Come to think of it, you’re not even
sure what this guy looks like.
It may seem ridiculous to be so out of touch with your emotions that you can’t even give
them a name, but if you think about this example, it’s not surprising. No matter how long you
have lived with your feelings, if you have never looked them in the eye and shaken hands, if
you have run to your addictive behavior at the very sight of them, your feelings may very well
be strangers to you.
The following pages will help you get to know your feelings. Remember to take it easy on
yourself; don’t worry if you have trouble identifying what you are feeling at first. Like every-
thing in this workbook (and in life!) this is a process. It’s all about being willing to learn and
practice your new skills.

Common Emotions
Think about the following list of common emotions. (Visit http://newharbinger.com/48107
to download the list.) Use this list as a reference whenever you have trouble identifying the
emotion you are feeling. The list may help you name the emotion. When you are really in
doubt, go back to the basics: afraid, sad, glad, mad, or ashamed. Most of the following emo-
tions fall into one of those categories. Having at least a general sense of whether what you feel
is fear, sadness, happiness, anger, or shame will give you a good initial guide.
 Emotions   21

TABLE 1.1 LIST OF COMMON EMOTIONS

Afraid Sad Glad Mad Ashamed

anxious blue appreciative annoyed degraded

frightened brokenhearted content betrayed devalued

horrified closed off delighted bitter embarrassed

nervous depressed elated enraged frozen

numb disappointed excited frustrated guilty

paralyzed discouraged grateful furious hopeless

scared empty honored hateful humiliated

shaky heavyhearted joyful indignant judged

shocked hopeless moved irritated regretful

shy hurt proud jealous remorseful

startled lonely relaxed out of control ridiculed

suspicious remorseful relieved resentful used

terrified tearful serene stunned worthless

worried uncertain thrilled vengeful wounded

22   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 1.5 Learning About Your Feelings

As we said before, sometimes all your emotions really need is some attention. In this simple
exercise, we ask you to bring your full attention to the emotion you are feeling in a certain
moment. This is your chance to really get to know your feelings. Remember, you’re not
running from your emotions anymore, so why not turn around and shake hands?
This is not about the mind or whatever is flying around in there; now is the time to pay
attention to the physical sensation of the emotion you are feeling now. Your thoughts are
interpretations. Don’t interpret! Your only job here is to notice.
Start by finding a comfortable place to sit. Sitting upright is best, but you can lie down
if you need to. Try to find a quiet place with few distractions. When you are ready to get
started, close your eyes. You are taking a journey into your body. Imagine that you are a
scientist, looking for as much detailed data as you can find.
As you move into your body, ask yourself these questions:

• Where is the feeling? What parts of my body are holding the feeling?

• What size is the feeling?

• Where are its edges?

• What color is the feeling? Does it change color as I pay attention to it, or does it
stay the same?

• Is the feeling heavy? Is it light?

• Is the feeling hard or soft? Is it rough or smooth? If I could touch this feeling with my
hand, what would I notice?

• Do I know what the feeling is? Can I identify it? (Give it a name: Red Glare, Chest
Pincher, and so on—whatever is a fit for you.)

Keep exploring the feeling in this way for at least five minutes. When you feel that you
have reached a level of comfort with and understanding of this feeling, open your eyes. Slowly
bring your attention back to the room you are in and your position in the room. Shake your
arms and legs lightly. This is a good time to use your journal to write about the experience.
As you do this exercise again and again, introducing yourself to different emotions and
getting to know them, you may want to record the experience so that you can remember it.
This will let you compare the sensations of different feelings. For example, is anger held in the
same place in your body as sadness? Or is it somewhere else? It will be especially helpful to
keep track of the names you give to the various feelings. That way, if the name Chest Pincher
keeps popping up, you can keep track of the times this emotion seems to arise.
 Emotions   23

EXERCISE 1.6 How Would You Feel?

This exercise is designed to help you identify the feelings that might come up in different
situations. It may seem pretty simple, but it’s worthwhile. Remember, the more you interact
with your emotions, the less they are strangers. And the less your emotions are strangers to
you, the more likely you are to engage with them freely, instead of dodging them the way
you used to do.
For each of the following situations, identify an emotion that could arise. Write it in the
blank space next to the situation. If you think of more than one emotion, choose the one
that you think you would be most likely to feel. Use the “List of Common Emotions” (table
1.1) to give you some suggestions when you need them.

The person I love is in love with someone else. 

I find twenty dollars in a pocket of my jeans. 

I forgot my mother’s birthday. 

I am lost in a bad neighborhood. 

I see a full moon. 

My dog is hit by a car. 

I am waiting for a call from someone special. 

My favorite team wins the Super Bowl. 

I finish a project at work. 

My car breaks down. 

I am on a plane to Paris. 

I am on a plane to visit my family. 

I can’t find my car keys. 

My closest friend is moving away. 

I wake up from a bad dream in the middle of the night. 

24   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 1.7 Connecting Emotions to Life Situations

Using this worksheet, identify times in your past when you felt each of these emotions.
Doing this will help you connect emotions with specific situations. You don’t need to choose
examples of times when your emotions were intense. For now, keep it simple. For example,
you may have felt sad when you ripped your favorite shirt or angry when someone cut
ahead of you in line.

A time I felt angry was: 

A time I felt sad was: 

A time I felt happy was: 


A time I felt scared was: 

A time I felt ashamed was: 

Good job connecting your emotions to life situations. You will need this skill as we forge
ahead in making other important connections.

Conclusion
You have likely had some ups and downs while doing the work in this chapter on emotions.
Maybe there have been times when you wanted to quit or when your addiction got worse. You
may have lost faith at that point or thought, This won’t work for me. All of that is normal. This
is a process. You are on your way to lasting change and recovery; keep up the good work!
 CHAPTER 2

Thoughts

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.
—Buddhist saying

N ow that you have a better sense of what emotions look like and when certain feelings
are most likely to arise, it’s time to start considering your thoughts.
Remember that two of the common false beliefs about emotions are Feelings can come out
of nowhere and Mood swings come and go with no warning. If you believe either of those things,
you probably feel really helpless and uncomfortable when faced with feelings. Your emotions
seem hard to predict. They seem to arrive out of the blue, and there you are, a boat in the
storm, just waiting for the wind to die down again.
The truth is (thank goodness) that your emotions are not that unpredictable. Your emo-
tions are intricately connected to your thoughts.

How Thoughts Connect to Emotions

The connection between feelings and thoughts was first explained by Aaron T. Beck (1976),
a psychiatrist known for creating cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Since then, CBT has
helped countless people cope with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, alcohol and drug
problems, and more. Understanding this connection will make a difference in your life too.
Here’s what usually happens:
1. A situation arises.
2. You have a thought.
3. The thought stirs up an emotion.
28   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

4. Your emotion triggers more and more thoughts, which trigger stronger and stronger
emotions.
5. Your behavior follows these thoughts and emotions. You act in ways that bring about
similar situations, which then reinforce your negative thoughts, and the cycle repeats
itself.

The trouble usually begins around step 2. In looking back at difficult situations in your
life, you may be able to identify step 1, the trigger: A man cut me off on the highway, and step
3, the emotion: I’m furious. But how well can you pinpoint what happened in between—at
step 2? After the trigger and before the emotion—sometimes so fast you don’t even register
it—there was a thought. In fact, there were probably several: That guy is a jerk. He thinks he
owns the road. He thinks he’s better than I am. I don’t have to put up with this. It isn’t fair.
Most of the time, you are probably unaware of what your mind is really up to, so when an
emotion arises, you can’t see the chain of events that led to it. Later on, you will learn skills
for observing your mind. But for now, let’s begin with an example. (The examples in this
workbook may not fit you completely. Everyone’s experiences are different. However, there
will probably be some similarities. Try to focus on the ways you can relate, rather than look
for ways to see yourself as different.)

Sandra’s Story Sandra has no plans for the weekend. On Friday night she is
exhausted from the workweek and content just to eat some dinner, drink a bottle of
wine, and go to bed. Saturday morning, she sleeps in a bit and later has time to run
some errands. It’s all going well until she has the thought that she has been alone all
day. She begins to feel lonely.
So, here it is: an emotion. Perhaps Sandra has learned some of the strategies you
are learning, and can accept and tolerate this emotion for what it is. But let’s assume
she’s stuck in the usual, unhelpful pattern many people are caught in. What happens
then?
In response to the emotion, Sandra’s mind kicks in and tries to be helpful. It tries
to explain why she is feeling what she is feeling (in this case, lonely) by throwing
thought upon thought into the situation. Here are just a few of the many thoughts
that begin to churn in Sandra’s mind:
• Everyone else is out doing something fun.
• Why don’t I have any friends? What’s wrong with me?
• If I had just done things differently…
• I must be too boring or unattractive.
 Thoughts   29

• Everyone else has someone to spend time with right now, and I am alone. Again, what
is wrong with me?
• Nobody likes me. That kid from fourth grade was right; I am a loser.
• I can’t spend every weekend like this for the rest of my life. Who could live that way? I’ll
be miserable all the time!
• There’s no point in calling anyone; they won’t want to spend time with me. I don’t need
to feel rejected on top of everything else!

By this point, Sandra has concluded that she is feeling lonely right now, and she
will be lonely forever. And because of the meanings her mind has attached to this
feeling of loneliness, Sandra will likely take actions that might cause her belief to
become more and more of a reality.

You will learn more about Sandra and the actions that keep this negative spiral going
when we focus on behaviors in chapter 3. For now, let’s look further into what Sandra’s mind
is up to.

Repeat-Offender Thoughts
The irony is that when Sandra’s mind kicks in to address her loneliness, it is really doing its
best to make things better for Sandra. It determines that there’s a problem, and it systemati-
cally seeks answers. It wants to figure out what’s “wrong” with Sandra so she can fix it.
The trouble is, of course, that Sandra’s mind may be looking in the entirely wrong direc-
tion. Her mind has limited the source of the “problem” to herself, specifically to what she
perceives as her flaws. Because she has likely thought these very same thoughts a thousand
times before, the pathways in her mind are already connected in a way that heads right for
those thoughts in any new situation. They are her “go-to” thoughts. And because her mind
already has these thoughts to head for, it has stopped looking for any new, realistic, alterna-
tive thoughts. It has stopped looking at the big picture. It has become locked into a rigid,
narrow way of viewing things.
All of us have deeply ingrained views that make up our core beliefs about ourselves, about
our relationships, and about the world around us. These core beliefs can be positive. If most
of yours are positive, it’s likely that you have a natural feeling of peace and comfort in the
world. You learned that the world is usually a safe, happy place in which people can be trusted
and you are valued and loved. People whose core beliefs are positive have a sense that every-
thing is okay. Their thoughts reflect this positive viewpoint too: It’ll turn out all right. I can
30   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

handle this. Maybe he didn’t mean that the way it sounded; I should give him the benefit of the
doubt and ask him.
For many people, however, core beliefs tend to be negative. These negative core beliefs
come with repetitive negative thoughts, which we refer to as repeat offenders. Often hidden or
disguised, these thoughts underlie many of the thoughts that go through your mind during
the day. If you have a sudden change in mood, it’s likely that one of your repeat offenders is
at work. You may not even notice your repeat-offender thoughts until your emotions let you
know that these thoughts are there.

How Repeat-Offender Thoughts Are Born

These repeat-offender thoughts have probably been with you since childhood, when you
were learning how the world works and what your place in it would be. You believed certain
messages and kept them locked in place, even as they kept hurting you. It’s as if you did not
know where to find the key to unlock these repeat offenders and let them go.
To help you understand this concept, think about the following examples.

Janet’s Story Janet has been told all her life that good girls never complain. She
has learned to smile brightly no matter what she feels inside. Ever since her parents
divorced when she was ten years old, Janet has worked hard to contain the
heartache that came over her. Her repeat offenders include You are too ungrateful;
you should be happy and Don’t bother anyone; deal with it yourself and do it quietly.
While being grateful and taking care of yourself are wonderful qualities, when
taken to these extremes they are destructive and devastating. No human being can
be happy or grateful all the time. Janet’s attempts to be that way have led her to
secretly cut herself on the inside of her thighs, where no one can see. She also has
begun abusing painkillers like Vicodin (hydrocodone and acetaminophen) and
OxyContin (oxycodone) to try to numb the feelings she tells herself she shouldn’t
have. Janet harms herself to avoid revealing to anyone that she feels pain.

Doug’s Story Doug’s father left the family when Doug was four years old. When
Doug was six, he and his mother and brother moved to a new city, and his mother
remarried. Doug’s stepfather was violent and verbally abusive. He often told Doug
that he had better be good at football, because all he had was “brawn and no
brains.” Doug’s older brother was praised as the “brains” of the family.
 Thoughts   31

Doug’s main repeat offender is I’m stupid, but whenever he is around other people,
it becomes I’m not as smart as they are. This insecurity around groups of people really
contributes to Doug’s cocaine addiction. He starts using drugs to fit in and to distract
himself from the thoughts that make him feel so bad about himself.

Sarah’s Story Sarah is the youngest of five children. She remembers her family
being happy and healthy. When Sarah was eight, her uncle was killed in a
convenience-store robbery. From then on, she has been terrified of dying. No one in
the family wanted to upset Sarah’s father, who took the loss especially hard, so they
didn’t talk about her uncle’s death or show the emotions surrounding their grief.
Sarah learned that death was a frightening, unnatural event. She became a nervous
child who withdrew more and more.
In adulthood, Sarah’s secret food addiction is one way she tries to cope with her
anxiety. Sarah’s repeat offenders include The world is not a safe place, don’t talk about
how I feel, and
I am not okay.

Breaking Away from Repeat-Offender Thoughts

As you will begin to notice, these messages (and the core beliefs from which they arise)
are unrealistic and skewed. Your views about yourself and the world, interpreted through your
eyes in childhood, are cloudy. Yet they became set in stone and followed you into
adulthood.
Finding your own repeat offenders will help you notice when they are at work. Once you
know your repeat offenders are there, you can break free from them and find a new, more
balanced, and more realistic perspective.

EXERCISE 2.1 Identifying Your Repeat-Offender

Thoughts
Consider the list on the following page of common repeat offenders. (Visit http:www.newharbin
ger.com/48107 to download this list.) Check any that make sense for you. Then, add any
others that come to mind.
32   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

I am not smart enough. It won’t work out.

I can’t do it. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

It’s not fair. I’m not attractive enough.

I am not safe. I can’t handle this.

I never get what I want. I am going to be alone forever.

I’m not good enough. It’s all my fault.

I will fail. It’s all their fault.

They won’t like me. I’m not supposed to feel this way.

I won’t like them. No one cares about me.

I am better than they are. I am too damaged to be loved.

I am not as good as they are. I can’t have the good things other
people have.

Other Repeat-Offender Thoughts:

Who Says?
When you hear your repeat offenders and really listen, you may notice that they take on
the voice, accent, or way of speaking of someone you know or used to know. This could be a
parent or grandparent, a sibling, a teacher, a pastor, a coach, or anyone else who had an influ-
ence on you as you grew up. There may be times when you can’t connect a person to the
repeat-offender thoughts, but you can recall an event that happened that caused you to form
a certain core belief. Tracing your repeat offenders back to where they started can be very
healing. It takes the power out of them and lets you see them for what they are: lies you
accepted as facts a long time ago.
 Thoughts   33

EXERCISE 2.2 Where Did Your Repeat-Offender

Thoughts Come From?
Use the following space to think about sources of your own repeat offenders (or visit http://www
.newharbinger.com/48107 to download the worksheet). Remember, this isn’t about blaming
others. This is your path to healing; it’s about gaining understanding for yourself so that you
can move forward. Use the list of common repeat offenders from the last exercise, and then
write each in the following space. Consider ways that you first developed these ideas. You
don’t have to figure it all out. These are just ideas, whatever comes to mind. Just let yourself
explore and see what you find.

Example A

Repeat offender/core belief: I’m never going to be able to do this job; I know they are
going to fire me! I will fail.

Person or event that may have led to the belief: I can remember my grandfather telling
me that I shouldn’t bother doing my homework because no one in my family ever gradu-
ated anyway; during my first job as a waiter when I was sixteen, the manager fired me
one day and never said why.

Example B

Repeat offender/core belief: There’s no point in trying to explain to my husband how I

feel; people care only about themselves anyway. I just have to handle it on my own.

Person or event that may have led to the belief: My mother used to tell us that we could
depend only on ourselves, especially after my dad left. She used to say, “People aren’t
there when you need them; you have to grow up and learn to do things for yourself in this
world!”
34   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Your Responses

Repeat offender/core belief: 

Person or event that may have led to the belief: 

Repeat offender/core belief: 

Person or event that may have led to the belief: 


 Thoughts   35

Repeat offender/core belief: 

Person or event that may have led to the belief: 

Repeat offender/core belief: 

Person or event that may have led to the belief: 

Repeat offender/core belief: 

Person or event that may have led to the belief: 


36   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Why Is Your Thinking Misleading?

Earlier we discussed how your repeat-offender thoughts are often—in fact, almost always—
inaccurate. This is because they developed when you were a child and your thinking was
simple.
A good way to see the difference between the thinking of children and adults is to look
at entertainment. Children’s movies always have a good guy and a bad guy. The bad guy often
dresses in dark colors, speaks in a sinister tone, and does things that are selfish and cruel. The
good guy is attractive and engaging. If he makes any mistakes, they are minor and short term,
he regrets them quickly, and he learns from the consequences. Any three-year-old can iden-
tify the good guy and the bad guy in a children’s movie. But what about us as adults?
The adult world is not so clear-cut. It’s full of gray areas. Our movies depict criminals who
love their families, who can be vicious in one scene and tender toward loved ones in another.
Take The Godfather (Puzo and Ford Coppola 1972), for example. In this classic film, we can
sympathize with Michael Corleone (played by Al Pacino) as a family man, even though he’s
also a ruthless criminal. One of our most important tasks as we enter adulthood is to develop
the ability to weigh information, look at a situation from many angles, and make a balanced
judgment. We can consider many possibilities, including the reasons or motives behind some-
one’s behavior, rather than put everything into a specific category like “good” or “bad.”
Unfortunately, your repeat-offender thoughts were created when you still had only a
limited understanding of the world. That’s why, when you made mistakes, you were “bad.” If
someone yelled at you, you didn’t imagine that the person was having a bad day or acted out
of her own fears. You immediately decided that it was because there was something wrong
with you.
You also listened closely to what the adults in your life were saying. You believed they
knew better, maybe even that they knew everything, so what they said must be the truth.
This is because you were young; you needed the adults in your life to know everything about
the world so that you could trust them to keep you safe. Now, as an adult, you know that
nobody gets everything right. But back then, you took what the grown-ups said as gospel.
What they taught you, whether it makes sense now or not, likely shapes your repeat-offender
thoughts even after all this time.

Considering the Evidence

We all know the importance of evidence. In the United States, people are innocent until they
have been proven guilty. Without the process of exploring all the evidence, we might make
 Thoughts   37

horrible mistakes in judgment. Innocent people may be sent to prison for crimes they did not
commit. Considering evidence will also be important as you learn to manage your thoughts.
You have thoughts running through your mind all day long. Sometimes they are light-
weight, easily passing thoughts:

I like that red shirt.

It looks like it might rain.

Sometimes you grab hold of these thoughts and make them heavier:

Why can’t I afford a shirt like that?

Driving in the rain later will be so dangerous.

And sometimes they become your repeat offenders and really weigh you down:

I never get what I deserve.

I am going to get hurt.

Learning to consider the evidence will be a powerful skill for you when you have to deal
with your repeat offenders. This skill will allow you to make the kind of balanced, realistic
interpretations that lead to good decision-making and a healthy sense of self.

Finding Balance in Your Thoughts

Mistaken thinking can be pretty strong. And, as we said earlier, because your mind has
been reaching for the same thoughts over and over for so long, it may be hard for you to start
thinking in new, more realistic ways. To help you with this, here are some examples of bal-
anced evaluations that you may want to use in the upcoming “Consider the Evidence”
worksheet.

• I’m only human.

• Nobody’s perfect; I can understand that they made a mistake.

• This is something about myself that I am willing to work on.

• That person did hurt me, but it might not have been intentional. I wonder what was
going on for him right then.
38   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

• I am not all good or all bad.

• Sometimes things don’t go my way, and that’s frustrating, but I can take it.

• Everyone makes mistakes; I can learn from mine and move forward.

• It’s good for me to assert myself; I just need to do it in healthy ways.

• I can manage this; I have managed hard times before!

• No one is 100 percent to blame—not me and not the other person.

• I act badly sometimes and do things I regret, but I can always try to remedy the
situation.

• Next time I will handle things differently.

• There’s no such thing as “always” or “never.”

• Making mistakes doesn’t mean I’m stupid, broken, weak, or bad.

• I have a lot of blessings in my life to be grateful for, despite the hard times.

• Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or somebody else.

EXERCISE 2.3 Consider the Evidence Worksheet

When you identify a repeat offender at work in your mind, use this worksheet (or down-
load it at http://newharbinger.com/48107). It would be a good idea to make several blank
copies. You could also do the work in your journal and use this worksheet as a guide.
You are likely to have many thoughts moving through your mind at once. Choose one to
focus on at a time. You can then go back and do the exercise again with the other thoughts.
Before getting started, think about the following examples. Review the previous list of
balanced evaluations as needed.

Example A
Thought: I’m not a nice person.

Evidence that this is true: I snapped at the waiter at lunch. Dave is mad at me for not vis-
iting Mom’s grave on Mother’s Day. I was tired and didn’t take out the trash when my wife
asked me to last night.
 Thoughts   39

Evidence that this is not 100 percent true: I helped Aunt Joan move last month, even
though I was busy and my back hurt. I think about Mom and pray for her whenever I see
her picture. I am usually a good tipper and friendly to people. I try to be helpful around
the house.

Balanced evaluation: Sometimes I’m rude when I am having a bad day, but nobody’s
perfect. Going to Mom’s grave would have been too painful for me right now; I can grieve
in my own ways. I don’t always help around the house as much as I should, but that
doesn’t make me a bad person; it’s just something I want to work on. I’m human.

What, if anything, could you do to improve this situation? I could call Dave and ask him
how the visit went, and maybe even explain why I chose not to go. I can practice being
friendly and patient with others, and maybe apologize to the waiter. I can do something
nice for my wife, like clean up the kitchen as a surprise.

Example B
Thought: Nothing ever goes my way; it isn’t fair!

Evidence that this is true: I didn’t get the job I wanted, even though I am qualified. Our car
broke down again. My best friend never has to struggle with her weight like I do, and her
husband makes so much money that they never have to worry like we do.

Evidence that this is not 100 percent true: We’ve been making ends meet ever since I lost
my job, and we aren’t going to end up on the streets. I may not be skinny, but my health
is good. I have a loving husband and kids to cherish.

Balanced evaluation: Sometimes things don’t turn out the way I want and I don’t get the
things I think I need, but we always get through it. It doesn’t matter what other people
have; some people have more and some people have less than I do. I have a lot to be
grateful for.

What, if anything, could you do to improve this situation? I can keep a gratitude list to
stay focused on the positive. I can keep putting out applications and living in a healthy way,
whether I get what I want or not.
40   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Your Responses
Use this worksheet to balance your unbalanced thoughts.

Thought: 

Evidence that this is true: 

Evidence that this is not 100 percent true: 

Balanced evaluation: 

What, if anything, could you do to improve the situation?


 Thoughts   41

Distracting Thoughts
Remember, our repeat offenders, by their very nature, are inaccurate. These types of thoughts
may distract you and prevent you from getting closer to your goal. Distracting thoughts can
sidetrack you, leading you down a wrong path. These thoughts divert you from reaching your
full potential. That’s why observing and identifying your distracting thoughts is so
important.
Neuroscientists at the Kavli Institute for Systems Neuroscience at the Norwegian
University of Science and Technology compare your brain to a radio. You’re turning the knob
to find your favorite radio station, but the knob jams and you’re stuck listening to that fuzzy
sound between stations. It’s incredibly frustrating. According to researcher Laura Colgin and
her colleagues (2009), tuning in to the right frequency is the only way to really hear what
you’re trying to hear. This requires concentration and practice. By identifying and changing
your distracting thoughts, you are actually changing how your brain works for you. You are
tuning in to the thoughts you want to focus on and tuning out your distracting thoughts. You
are changing your mind!
It’s helpful to be aware of the types of distracting thoughts. Take a look at the five common
“thought distractions” that follow. Notice the ones that seem familiar to you.

All Good or All Bad Thinking

You see everything in one of two categories: something or someone is either all good or
all bad; there is no in between. If your boss doesn’t give you that raise, she is all bad, even
though she supported your time off work when your father was ill last year. The idea of a
person or an experience having both good and not-so-good qualities surprises you. Is “all
good or all bad” thinking distracting you from making the most of your experiences and
relationships?

Write down examples of your “all good or all bad” thinking:


42   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Wet Blanket Thinking

You put a huge, heavy wet blanket of negativity over all events, regardless of the outcome.
If your cousin doesn’t repay you the money you loaned her, you think, No one ever repays
loans, so why bother helping anyone out? It takes too much energy to get out from under a
heavy, wet blanket. It’s easier to just leave yourself covered in the negativity. Is this type of
thinking distracting you from heading in the right direction?

Write down examples of your “wet blanket” thinking:

Can’t See the Upside Thinking

You reject positive experiences by insisting for some reason that they “don’t count.” You
can usually provide a strong argument to support your negative beliefs. If a coworker compli-
ments you about your work today, your first thought is, That assignment was a joke. You don’t
have a place in your mind to put positive experiences or interactions. To make space for
something positive would require you to give up something negative. Is this type of thinking
distracting you from recognizing your strengths?

Write down examples of your “can’t see the upside” thinking:


 Disaster Forecaster
You go quickly and directly to punish yourself with a negative thought. You haven’t even
had a chance to slow down and explore other options. It feels as if you have already arrived
at the negative conclusion, even without all the facts. If you think your doctor is about to give
you bad news about your illness, you arrive at a negative conclusion without waiting to hear
the facts. Is this type of thinking distracting you from looking at all the facts in a situation?

Write down examples of your “disaster forecaster” thinking:

Should or Shouldn’t Thinking

You try to motivate yourself with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” as if you need to be disci-
plined before you can be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” can also be thoughts
that distract you with anxiety and fear. When you direct “should” statements toward others,
you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. And when you direct them at yourself, punishing
thoughts arise. Instead of having compassion for yourself and learning how to manage your
money, you beat yourself up on a daily, if not hourly, basis. All these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”
lead to anger and sadness. Is this type of thinking distracting you from following through
with your plans for success?

Write down examples of your “should or shouldn’t” thinking:


44   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

“Of Course, I’m Responsible” Thinking

You see yourself as the reason a bad event happened, when, in fact, it had little or nothing
to do with you. Thinking of yourself as responsible for all negative events actually gives you
the illusion that you’re in control. But there’s a toll: you will feel exhausted and even depressed.
Thinking that you are responsible for your mother-in-law’s decision not to visit during the
holiday could lead to feelings of confusion and sadness. Are there other ways to think about
this situation that don’t make you the reason for someone else’s decision? Is this type of
thinking distracting you from focusing on your own life path?

Write down examples of your “of course, I’m responsible” thinking:

Remember how the brain is like a radio. Identifying and decreasing your distractions is
like allowing yourself to tune in to one station at a time. Being aware of the distracting
thoughts that are influencing you will be a terrific aid in healing. Your perceptions of the
losses in your life can create powerful negative emotions. This makes it harder to tolerate the
way you feel, which reinforces the false belief that you cannot accept and tolerate your emo-
tions. That’s the kind of false and distracting belief we have been trying to unravel in this
workbook so far.

Conclusion
Remember, it isn’t just your emotions or even your thoughts that truly cause problems in your
life: it’s the way you respond to them. As you saw in chapter 1, Emotions, your emotion-
dodging strategies not only were doomed to fail, but also often made things worse. Responding
to your thoughts and emotions in new ways will be the key to changing your life. For this
reason, the next chapter is devoted to your behavior. Nice work!
 CHAPTER 3

Behaviors

We learn something by doing. There is no other way.

—John Holt

C ongratulations on the work you have done so far! You have already come a long way in
changing the patterns that have kept you stuck in your addiction and pain. Understanding
emotions and the way you think is important. That is why the chapters go in a certain order;
you create a foundation of skills that allows you to move forward. The next step is even more
critical: behavior change.

A Ghost Fleeing Bullets

In the classic movie Ghost (Rubin 1990), starring Patrick Swayze, a young man is killed but
remains on earth to solve his murder and help his girlfriend move on from the loss. He goes
through many experiences that shock him: suddenly no one can see or hear him, and he can
walk through walls. Still, it doesn’t quite sink in for this man that he is a ghost, not a human
being. It takes him forever to understand that the rules he used to live by don’t apply anymore.
When a gun gets fired in his direction, he panics. He experiences this as if it were a danger-
ous, life-threatening event. He is still operating under his old beliefs. He forgets that the
bullets can’t do anything to him; they pass right through him!
In your life, feelings are just the same. If you are living by your old beliefs, you may be
convinced that those feelings are going to rip through you and leave gaping holes. It’s no
wonder, then, that the way you respond to emotions may be to flee from them the way the
character in Ghost flees bullets. But the truth is, as you have learned, your emotions are just
as harmless to you as gunshots are to a ghost. If you pause and wait quietly, if you bring some
attention to the feelings (yes, the exact opposite of what you have been trained to do), those
46   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

feelings will move right through you, often with no more disturbance than a breeze through
the trees.
Much as for the character in Ghost, knowing the truth will not be enough for you. Even
with your new understanding of emotions and thoughts, it may take a while for you to respond
differently to your feelings. It may take a long time for your behaviors to change. But with the
work you have done in previous chapters—getting to know your emotions and learning to
track your thoughts—you are gaining an understanding that will enable you to make the
lasting behavior change that truly transforms your life.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
In chapter 2, you read about Sandra, her loneliness, and the thoughts that came with it. Now
let’s explore this example further, looking at the behaviors resulting from Sandra’s thoughts
and feelings, and how they have an impact on her.

Sandra’s Story, Revisited Recall that Sandra was spending a pleasant

weekend with herself when, suddenly, her mind kicked in and told her she had been
alone for a long time, causing her to start to feel lonely. With that emotion came
even more thoughts as her mind looked for solutions to the problem at hand. Her
mind tried to offer up explanations like I’m a loser. Her mind also tried to protect
her from further pain with thoughts like There’s no point in calling anyone; they won’t
want to spend time with me. These thoughts triggered more emotions, including
depression and hopelessness.
For this example, let’s assume that Sandra has not yet learned the skills from
chapters 1 and 2 that you have learned. It does not occur to her to “embrace the
dog,” and she does not stop to check the evidence and find a more balanced set of
thoughts.
What is Sandra’s behavior as a result of her thoughts and emotions? She decides
to close the curtains, turn off her phone, and spend the rest of her weekend smoking
pot and drinking wine in front of the TV. Retreating into addictive behaviors allows
Sandra to block out some of the thoughts and feelings that are so distressing to her.
These are emotion-dodging strategies that give temporary relief but cause her even
more trouble in the long run. Let’s see how these behaviors end up making things
worse for Sandra.
Her decision to stay isolated all weekend, instead of calling someone and trying
to find some company, increases her feeling of loneliness. The behavior she chose to
manage her loneliness is actually making it worse! Even more upsetting is that
 Behaviors   47

Sandra has been trying hard to cut back on her pot and alcohol use. Now she is
flooded with thoughts about how weak and stupid she is for spending another
weekend that way. Her mind is creating a story line in which Sandra is a loser no one
would want to spend time with.
As Sandra’s self-doubt continues to rise, she may make less and less eye contact
or conversation with people at work. Her coworkers may think that Sandra is pulling
away from them and assume she would rather be left alone. This is what’s called a
self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy is when the actions you take lead to
the exact situation you feared would happen. You made your fears come true.
Sandra’s behaviors are actually creating the situations she dreads most! Being human
themselves, Sandra’s coworkers don’t like rejection either. One of them may decide it
would be best not to invite Sandra to the Christmas party he is throwing, because
she probably wouldn’t come anyway. When Sandra finds out about the party she has
been left out of, it will seem to confirm exactly what she has been telling herself. I
knew they didn’t like me! she’ll think. It’s a good thing I stayed away from them, or this
would hurt even more.

EXERCISE 3.1 Reflecting on Your Behaviors

Take some time to write down your reflections on the following questions. You can use the
space provided here, or expand on your thoughts by writing in your journal. As you consider
your own experiences, remember that you have just begun a journey of making lasting
changes in your life. If your old behaviors and life experiences seem troublesome, don’t
worry! You are in the process of building a new way of life. You won’t need to behave in
those ways anymore if you don’t want to.

Describe a time when you experienced loneliness.

Did you isolate and keep to yourself or did you reach out to others?


48   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

If you isolated, what were the specific thoughts that held you back from reaching out?

What feelings did those thoughts create? (Feel free to review the list of common emotions
in chapter 1 for ideas.)

Whatever action you chose (isolating or reaching out), what was the outcome?

How did the action affect you in the long run?

How could your action lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your own behaviors bring
about exactly what you feared would happen?


 Behaviors   49

Choosing the Opposite

It’s easy to see how Sandra’s responses to the thoughts and feelings she was having would lead
to more problems. These behaviors—isolating, staying inside all day, using drugs and alcohol,
and distancing herself from her coworkers—create situations that make Sandra’s life harder
and keep her from getting where she wants to go. What would happen if Sandra made differ-
ent choices? What if she moved in the opposite direction? Where would she end up?
This leads us to an important skill that we’ll call choosing the opposite. This skill is based
on a concept from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), created by Marsha Linehan (1993).
DBT has proven to be highly effective at helping people who struggle with strong emotions
and impulsive decisions. If you find that the choices you make as a response to your thoughts
and feelings are leading you in the wrong direction, this skill will make a world of difference
in your life. Choosing the opposite means acting against your automatic response. It gives you
the chance to get somewhere different.
Over time, you have developed certain ways of responding to your experiences. When
you feel angry with someone, you might yell, cry, storm out, or get quiet. When you feel tired,
you might lie around the house, take a nap, or exercise to increase your energy. You may
choose different behaviors at different times, but it’s likely that you have a usual way of
responding that is your first impulse. On the one hand, that way of responding might have
worked well for you in the past. On the other hand, like Sandra’s responses, your behaviors
may be taking you in the opposite direction of where you want to go.
You can probably see examples in your own life of times when you were driven to act in
ways you later regretted. Our behaviors are more important than our feelings or our thoughts.
This is because our behaviors influence the world around us; they alter our personal relation-
ships, shape our experiences, and set the course of our lives. As you have now learned, behav-
iors are the result of your thoughts and feelings. So, what can you do when negative thoughts
or powerful feelings make you want to act in ways that will harm you? Choose the opposite!
Here’s a list of common responses to emotions and ways to choose the opposite response.
You will choose the opposite only if that is the best course of action. Ask yourself, Will choos-
ing the opposite action bring positive results?
50   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

GUILT OR SHAME

Usual response Opposite response

Dwell on the situation and think Figure out specifically what is your part
increasingly negative thoughts about in the situation.
yourself.

Act in ways that hurt you, like engaging Use your “Consider the Evidence
in addictive or compulsive behaviors. Worksheet” (exercise 2.3) to balance
irrational thoughts.

Avoid the source of the feeling Apologize for what you did wrong.
(a person, a situation, God or your If it’s not possible or not a good idea
higher power). to apologize directly—for example,
if it would be harmful to you or
others—write a letter of apology that
you do not send.

Stop reaching for good things in life, Ask or figure out whether there’s a
like health and happiness, because way to make things right, and do so
you decide you don’t deserve it. if possible.

Learn from your mistake and remind

yourself that life is a learning process;
you don’t need to be perfect!

Forgive yourself and move forward.

Strive for good things and continue
to grow.
 Behaviors   51

DEPRESSION OR SADNESS

Usual response Opposite response

Isolate. Avoid friends and family. Agree to spend time with friends or
Avoid social gatherings. family members even if you don’t feel
like it.

Stop doing things you used to enjoy, Try “stopping by” social gatherings,
because they are less enjoyable now. even if only for a few minutes.
Showing up shows people that you
care about them.

Stay inside and watch TV or sleep Smile into the mirror, even if you are
all day. faking it.

Eat poorly (too much, too little, or Get active. Take a walk, go to the gym,
unhealthy foods). or take an exercise class online. If you
can’t imagine taking a long walk,
just put on your sneakers. Walk around
the block and see how that feels.
Walk a little farther if you feel up to
it after that.

Find a way to be of service to others.

Remember that you have a lot to
contribute. You can start by calling
a friend and asking what’s new in
her life, or if there is anything you can
do for her. Get outside of yourself and
see where you can be helpful.
52   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

ANGER OR FRUSTRATION

Usual response Opposite response

Try to convince someone that you are Look at the situation from the other
right. Keep saying the same thing over person’s perspective. Listen and see if
and over to beat it into his head that any part of what he is saying makes
you are right. sense to you. Remind yourself of the
saying “Would you rather be right or
be happy?”

Spend a lot of time telling the other Try to see where the other person is
person or yourself your own side of the coming from. Give her the benefit of
argument and why she or the situation the doubt.
is wrong, bad, or stupid.

Yell, shout, scream, growl, bark. Take slow, deep breaths.

Throw things, hit things, break things. Let go. Accept the situation or person
as it or he is right now (even though
you don’t like it).

Storm out, leave, or avoid the person. Instead of lashing out, work on self-
soothing. Remind yourself of what helps
you relax and unwind.

Shut down, get quiet, act distant, ignore Once you feel ready to handle things
the person you’re mad at. Give her the calmly (in ways you can feel proud of),
“silent treatment.” address the situation. Discuss your
frustration openly and honestly, without
attacking.
 Behaviors   53

FEAR

Usual response Opposite response

Avoid! Stay away from the things that Approach! Do the things that make you
make you anxious. anxious.

Don’t try new things, don’t go new Do these things over and over again
places, don’t socialize, don’t share even though it feels uncomfortable. Be
things, don’t get close to anyone. aware of the feelings that come up,
and remember that you can tolerate
them. Try new things, meet people, risk
getting rejected. Live life fully!

Get angry (it feels safer than being Sit with the fear. Let it be. Understand
scared), and then act in the ways noted that fear is a natural part of life, part of
under “Anger or Frustration.” being human.

Dwell on the irrational or unbalanced Use your “Consider the Evidence

thoughts that your mind is creating as it Worksheet” (exercise 2.3) to balance
tries to make sense of things. Believe your thoughts. Decide for yourself
what your mind is telling you without whether your fear is justified, a creation
checking the facts. of your mind, or maybe a little bit of
both.

Engage in one of your unhealthy Respond to your fear, instead of

emotion-dodging strategies, including reacting to it. Trust your judgment and
your addictive behavior. the skills you have been learning.

Remember, different actions bring different outcomes! Choosing the opposite response to
an emotion may lead you to a whole new way of life.
54   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 3.2 Practice Choosing the Opposite

Now think of five situations in your life where your usual responses aren’t getting you where
you want to go. They could be little things that seem to mess up your day like problems at
work or trouble in your relationship. Basically, you’ll want to choose areas of your life that
don’t seem to be running smoothly. Use the following space to think about these situations
and the feelings they bring up in you (it may be helpful to look back at chapter 1 and the
exercises you did to get to know your emotions better). Next, note the results of your usual
behavior, what your behavior would be if you chose the opposite response, and the likely
results of the opposite behavior.

1. Situation: 

Emotions: 

Usual response or behavior: 

Result: 

Opposite behavior: 

Likely result: 

Likely emotions: 

2. Situation: 

Emotions: 

Usual response or behavior: 

Result: 

Opposite behavior: 

Likely result: 

Likely emotions: 
 Behaviors   55

3. Situation: 

Emotions: 

Usual response or behavior: 

Result: 

Opposite behavior: 

Likely result: 

Likely emotions: 

4. Situation: 

Emotions: 

Usual response or behavior: 

Result: 

Opposite behavior: 

Likely result: 

Likely emotions: 

5. Situation: 

Emotions: 

Usual response or behavior: 

Result: 

Opposite behavior: 

Likely result: 

Likely emotions: 
56   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Now that you know a little bit about choosing the opposite reaction, it’s time to focus on
when to use this skill. How will you know when it’s time to choose the opposite and when to
respond in your usual way? This is when it becomes important to know what your values are.
You will use your values to guide you.

Values
The next part of this chapter is devoted to helping you uncover and clarify your values.
Knowing what you view as most important will keep you grounded and on track; it will guide
your life every step of the way. This is a key component of acceptance and commitment therapy
(ACT). Created by Steven Hayes (2005), ACT is designed to help people live life based on
their values, despite difficult thoughts and feelings. This is your chance to figure out who you
really want to be and what kind of life you are working toward, so take your time and really
think about things as you work through the next few pages.

EXERCISE 3.3 The Birthday Toast

Imagine that you have lived a long, full life. It was a life that you are deeply proud to have
lived. Now that you are well into old age, a birthday party is being thrown in your honor.
Imagine yourself there, surrounded by family and friends. Someone stands up, and begins
to deliver a speech. This person will describe the way that you have lived, the people you
have loved, the experiences you have shared, and what you mean to people. This person
will tell the story of who you are. What do you hope the person would say? How would you
want to be described? It would be helpful to use your journal to write the speech yourself.

What does this exercise tell you about what you really value? Use the following space to
jot down your thoughts:


 Behaviors   57

EXERCISE 3.4 Uncover Your Values

As you work through this exercise, remember that this is all about creating the life you want.
You may have let many things fall by the wayside, especially when you’ve been trapped in
the disease of addiction. For example, you may have lied again and again to the people
you love. That does not mean you don’t value honesty! You are in the process of committing
to a new way of life, and you are learning how to make that life happen. This is your chance
to map out for yourself what you value most in your new life.
Use the space below each of the value categories to write down what each value means
in your own life. For example, under “Health” you might write, “Remembering to take my
medication every day,” “Going to the dentist,” or “Exercising.” Under “Family” you might
write, “Playing with the kids on weekends” or “Calling my mom once a week.” Under
“Faith” you might write, “Reading the Bible” or “Daily meditation.” Remember, this doesn’t
have to be what you have been doing. This is based on how you plan to structure your new
life around your values.
To begin, take a look at the following list of value categories. Use the examples for each
category to jump-start your thinking. After thinking carefully about each value, choose the
three most important values in your life. They can all be of equal value; you don’t need to
rank them in order. Next, rank the rest of the value categories from second most important
(2) to least important (12). The goal here is to get clear about what’s most important to you.
This will help you stay focused.

Value Categories

    Family

• Spending time with family often, putting needs of family members first, creating a
healthy and happy home life, working to keep and improve family relationships.

• What it means for me:




58   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

    Work Ethic/Success at Work or School

• Showing up on time, working hard, taking pride in my work, gaining success.

• What it means for me:

    Financial Responsibility

• Paying bills on time, paying off debt, making good financial choices, saving
money, not buying things I don’t need.

• What it means for me:

    Learning/Growth/Development

• Continuing to learn new things, improve myself, and grow as a person.

• What it means for me:

    Honesty

• Telling the truth, no matter what, being honest with myself and others.

• What it means for me:


 Behaviors   59

    Faith

• Keeping up my spiritual life, staying active in my spiritual community, feeling

spiritually sound and fulfilled.

• What it means for me:

    Sobriety

• Keeping away from the things I’ve been addicted to.

• What it means for me:

    Respect

• Being treated with respect by those around me, feeling respected, respecting
others.

• What it means for me:


60   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

    Friendships/Social Connection

• Making time to nurture important relationships, spending time with friends,

making the needs of friends a priority.

• What it means for me:

    Romantic Love/Intimate Relationships/Marriage

• Finding, maintaining, or improving a healthy relationship with a partner.

• What it means for me:

    Service Work/Volunteerism

• Giving back to the world, being of service to my community, contributing to

society.

• What it means for me:


 Behaviors   61

    Community

• Spending time as part of a community, such as my church or temple, clubs,

sports teams, and other community gatherings.

• What it means for me:

    Adventure/Spontaneity/Fun

• Taking time to smell the roses, placing a high importance on enjoying life, trying
new things, making time for fun activities.

• What it means for me:

    Health

• Eating right, getting enough sleep, keeping up with fitness, going to the doctor
as needed, placing a high importance on my physical well-being.

• What it means for me:


62   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 3.5 Reflecting on Values

Look at the top three value categories you selected as most important in your life and
respond to the following questions for each one. As always, you may want to expand on
your reflections even further by writing in your journal.

What actions have you taken in the past that show that this is valuable to you?

Action a: 

Action b: 

Action c: 

How can you change your life today to place more focus on these things that you value?

Action a: 

Action b: 

Action c: 

In thinking about times in the past when you behaved in ways that took you off course,
what actions could you have chosen instead that would have been in line with your
values?

Action a: 

Action b: 

Action c: 

Kyle’s Story Kyle has reached his sixty-third day of sobriety when he loses his
job unexpectedly. Finding out that his boss has been planning for weeks to fire him
infuriates Kyle. Kyle’s usual response would be to curse out his boss, throw his chair
to the ground on his way out the door, and then head for the bar. Kyle would
probably drink all night, close down the bar, stumble to a buddy’s house to rag on
the boss, and drink some more.
It’s all Kyle can do to stand up and walk out of his boss’s office without saying a
word. He just keeps repeating to himself, Stay calm, stay calm. You need a letter of
 Behaviors   63

recommendation from this guy; stay calm. Not reacting in his usual way gives Kyle a
sense of control that he isn’t used to feeling, and it feels great. But he still doesn’t
know how he will get through the night, let alone the next few days, without
drinking.
Kyle sits down on the couch when he gets home, turns on the TV, and starts
wondering how bad it would really be to just have a couple of beers. Maybe it won’t
be like before. And besides, who could blame him on a day like today?
Kyle notices his workbook sitting on the coffee table under some magazines. It
has been a while since he worked on his recovery, long enough for the book to be a
little dusty. Still, he has filled in a lot of the pages already. Kyle flips through the
workbook casually until he gets to the section on values. Something comes over him
as he rereads all that he wrote about valuing his family: how if he had more time, he
would drive out to see his nephews, how important those kids are to him. It all comes
down to choices, he thinks. I might be craving some beer right now, but I can do
something different. I can call my sister tonight and schedule a visit. I don’t have to act in
the same old ways. I can be the guy I want to be, instead of the guy I was.

Learning More About Choosing the Opposite

Now that you have a better understanding of your values, let’s revisit the concept of choosing
the opposite. Remember, choosing the opposite is a skill you will use when your automatic
response to an emotion or thought would not be in line with your values. When your usual
behavior would take you away from the life you want—the aspects of life you value most—
choosing the opposite is the best course of action.
Let’s consider skydiving as an example. When you think about jumping out of a plane,
you may experience a strong emotion: fear. Most people respond to fear with avoidance,
staying far away from whatever is causing the fear. Choosing the opposite of fear, therefore,
would mean heading right for the source of your fear. How do you know which is the right
course of action? Let’s look at two examples, James and Stewart, to figure that out.

Example: James

Trigger: Skydiving.

Emotion: Fear.

Usual response to this emotion: Avoidance.

Opposite response to this emotion: Approach.

Values involved: Family ( just had a new baby, wife doesn’t want me to go), Health (recent
heart problems), Friendship/Social Connection (seems like a good bonding experience with
my friends; will get teased if I don’t go), Adventure/Fun/Spontaneity (could be a great
experience, not sure it’s for me).

Decision in keeping with values: Listen to my instincts; don’t go.

Example: Stewart

Trigger: Skydiving.

Emotion: Fear.

Usual response to this emotion: Avoidance.

Opposite response to this emotion: Approach.

Values involved: Friends (always wanted to share something like this with my best friend),
Learning/Growth/Development (a new way to challenge myself), Adventure/Spontaneity/
Fun (wouldn’t hurt to have more excitement in my life and experience something new even
if it scares me).

Decision in keeping with values: Choose the opposite, move through the fear, and go for it!

As you can see, James and Stewart had to make a choice about the same thing (to go
skydiving or not) and had the same feeling about it (fear), but, in the end, made two different
decisions. By sorting out his values, each man was able to pick the path that was right for
him.
EXERCISE 3.6 Making Decisions Based on Values
Now use this worksheet to sort through choices that you need to make in your own life. This
is a chance to practice thinking about your values and what you can do to stay on track
toward the life you want.

Example

Choice to make: Let my sister-in-law stay with us while she looks for a job, or not.

Value categories involved and how: Family (I think families should take care of each
other; I also want to make sure that our family is happy, so I need to know she won’t
bring too much stress into our home), Financial Responsibility (we are just getting out of
debt, and that’s so important to me; would helping her strain us too much?), Respect (I
will feel used if she doesn’t try hard to find a job; I need her to help around the house
and to show that she is serious about getting back on her feet).

Possible behaviors: Agree to let her move in but resent it and end up making her feel
unwelcome; tell her she can’t stay with us; agree to let her move in after talking to her
about how I expect her to help out, look for work, and get along with the family.

Behavior you choose based on your values: I choose to let her move in after having an
honest talk with her. That way, if it isn’t working out, at least I will know that I was clear
and honest from the start.

Your Responses

Choice to make: 

Value categories involved and how: 


66   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Possible behaviors: 

Behavior you choose based on your values: 

Conclusion
Remember, it will be up to you to decide whether a certain behavior fits your values are not.
You have every right to choose what kind of life you want for yourself. As you worked through
this chapter, you got a good sense of the ways you normally respond to emotions and whether
those behaviors are getting you where you want to go. You clarified your values and began to
see how important your behavior is in shaping the course of your life.
The goal of the next chapter, Mindfulness, is to give you skills that will help you cope
with painful feelings and stress. As you read, do the writing exercises and try the suggested
activities in chapter 4; you will find a sense of calm that will keep you going when times get
tough. You will be able to choose your responses, instead of being driven to respond to emo-
tions in a way that hurts you. You will be able to make the right choices even in hard times.
With these skills in place, you will be even better prepared to make choices that lead you to
the life you value. You are on your way!
 CHAPTER 4

Mindfulness

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
—Jack Kornfield

Y ou have just spent quality time getting to know your thoughts, feelings, and actions as
they relate to your health and well-being. Now we are going to take a moment to look at
another important skill you can use to recover from troubling behaviors and to help you deal
with your feelings about loss. The skill is called mindfulness. Mindfulness has been around a
long time. The idea started with the Buddhists as part of their meditation practice. Over forty
years ago, Jon Kabat-Zinn (2005) noticed that mindfulness skills helped ease the pain and
stress of cancer patients, and in 1979 he founded the mindfulness-based stress reduction
(MBSR) program at the University of Massachusetts Medical School for that purpose. Other
health providers began using mindfulness to help with all kinds of other problems. Some
problems that have been shown to improve with mindfulness skills are depression, anxiety,
bipolar disorder, chronic pain, grief, and behavior problems in children and teens.
This chapter will give you specific skills for learning mindfulness. You will learn more
skills in chapter 10, but the ones provided here will lay the groundwork and get you started.
Understanding mindfulness will help you more quickly receive the unbelievable benefits
these skills have to offer. Let’s get started.

Observing Your Mind Without Judgment

When scientists discover a new species on earth, they are overjoyed. Curiosity is awakened,
and the scientists begin to observe. They carefully, attentively observe what it eats, where it
sleeps, the way it interacts with the world. They do not label this creature as “good” or “bad.”
68   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

They simply stand in fascination. They study it with the utmost attention and, without judg-
ment, proclaim, “So, that’s what you are up to.”
To begin your journey into mindfulness practice, you must be the scientist who discovers
your own mind. Imagine yourself stumbling upon your mind for the first time. Imagine watch-
ing the way your mind works: how it responds to different situations, the influence it has over
your mood. You are now the curious observer of your mind. To get started with this skill, try
the following exercise. Observing without judgment may not be easy at first. In fact, it will
probably be very challenging. This (like all the new skills you are learning) will take a lot of
practice.

EXERCISE 4.1 Observe Your Mind

You will practice this exercise for five minutes. Set an alarm or keep a clock nearby, but try
not to be too concerned with time. Sit comfortably in a chair, or lie down if you prefer. Close
your eyes and bring all of your conscious attention to your thoughts.
Now, imagine that you are a scientist in the jungle. You are resting behind a tree, watch-
ing a clearing. You wonder what animal will pass through next. You wait patiently, calmly,
and with curiosity.
Now imagine that the clearing is your mind. You are watching for your very next thought.
When the thought comes, notice it. Do not judge it, criticize it, or try to change it. Look
at it; observe it. Let it pass through the clearing. Now, wait for the next thought. Remem-
ber, you may struggle with this at first. It’s likely that you will follow one of those animals
(thoughts) into the jungle, and before you know it, you will realize that you’ve lost sight of the
clearing altogether! That’s okay. Just find your way back, settle in, and continue watching.
Your only task is to observe without judgment.

Imaginary Lions
Human beings are incredible. We have the ability to dream, to imagine, to contemplate, to
create. Memories and imagination are wonderful gifts. But there are times when they do
more harm than good. This is when they pull us from the present moment and send us time
traveling. Time traveling occurs when you spend time thinking about the past or worrying
about the future. It can leave you with a lot of feelings that have nothing to do with where
you are right now.
One of those feelings is anxiety. Anxiety is a natural response to threat. Your amygdala,
an almond-shaped structure in your brain, is triggered by danger and begins the process that
 Mindfulness   69

enables your “fight-or-flight” response. It prepares your body to either fight the danger or flee
it, by speeding up your heart rate and breathing. This was quite useful when we were living
among the lions! Being able to successfully flee a predator was a pretty handy skill. But
chances are there aren’t many jungle creatures threatening you. Most of your anxiety—the
fight-or-flight response that makes you sweat and shake and pant—is a reaction to a perceived
threat in the mind. These thoughts, which we will call “imaginary lions,” are usually a sign
that you are time traveling.
Consider these imaginary lions:

• Yesterday’s meeting went so badly; I felt so embarrassed!

• What if I don’t get that job? I’ll have to move in with my parents for sure!

• I’m running late; I know they are all going to be mad at me. I can already see their
faces!

• She looked so upset last night; is she going to break up with me?

Notice that none of these thoughts is about an immediate problem; the problem occurred
in the past or might potentially occur in the future. Daily imaginary lions can leave you
stressed to the point of exhaustion. Your body experiences every single one of those thoughts
as an immediate threat, a cue that you are in danger. Imagine if we did live in the jungle and
there was a lion every step of the way! No wonder so many people feel overwhelmed by their
day-to-day lives, even when they are healthy, comfortable, and safe.
When you are stressed or anxious, ask yourself, Am I being chased by imaginary lions? Ask
yourself whether there is a direct problem that requires you to either fight or flee at this
moment. You can do this by simply asking yourself the following question: Am I okay now?
Often, when you check in with yourself, you will notice that, surprisingly, there is
nothing wrong. You are simply sitting in a chair in a room indoors: you are not in the freez-
ing cold or burning heat, you are not starving to death, you don’t need to head to the hospi-
tal, you’re not living on the streets. Your life is not in serious danger. In fact, you may find that
you are quite comfortable. This is a good time to breathe and acknowledge that those lions
are imaginary. You are safe, and all is well.

Practicing Mindfulness
The best way to avoid imaginary lions is to stop time traveling. The only way to do this is to
connect with the present moment.
70   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

You can achieve present-moment awareness by practicing mindfulness. In the next few
pages, you will learn some basic mindfulness activities that will allow you to remain present
and “be here now.” This is a fantastic way to decrease stress. You can find exercises like these,
as well as other useful mindfulness skills, in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook:
Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation,
& Distress Tolerance, second edition, by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley
(New Harbinger Publications 2020).

EXERCISE 4.2 Imagine the Space

Sit quietly in a room with no distractions. During this exercise, it will be helpful if you draw
the shades to any windows and close the door to the room. You are going to fully examine
the space in this room, so it will be easier if the space is limited.
Pay close attention to the room around you. Do not think about the objects in the room,
but rather the space around those objects. Think about the space under things, above
things, and between things. Think of the space between tiny cracks and the space that
flows over the furniture. Think of the space from the floor to the ceiling. Focus intently on
this space. Feel how much space there really is around these objects. See how the space
flows from one end of the room to the other. Think about the space around your own body.
Then, think about the space within your body. Think about your lungs and nostrils and ear
canals, all filled with space. Think of the connections between the space in this room and
the space in your body. Think about the air in this room flowing in and out of your body
with every breath.
Practice this for five minutes daily. The more often you practice it, the more you will
begin to sense the connections between yourself and the space around you. Feeling this
connection will help you stay grounded and remain present, even when imaginary lions try
to frighten you.

EXERCISE 4.3 Study an Object

Choose an object in the room. Choosing something ordinary is just fine; in fact, it may even
be beneficial. You do not have to touch the object at first. Use your eyes to study the object.
Study its edges, its shape, and its size. Try to decide whether it would feel smooth or rough
to the touch, hot or cold, heavy or light. Examine every inch of the object with your eyes.
Find every color it holds. Now, pick it up, or just touch it if it can’t be lifted. How does it feel
to hold it? Were you right about its texture, its weight? Does it seem bigger or smaller than
 Mindfulness   71

you expected when you were just looking at it? Are there parts of it you didn’t notice with
your eyes? Pay attention to those parts now. Study them; feel them. Run your hands over the
object as if you have never seen it before.

EXERCISE 4.4 Count the Sounds

It’s easy to get distracted by your thoughts when you first begin to practice mindfulness. In
fact, this may always be a challenge. Because it’s especially difficult to focus your attention
for any length of time in the beginning, this exercise is sometimes a helpful way to start.
Sit in a chair for five minutes. It may help to have a timer so that you do not have to pay
attention to a clock. Now, close your eyes and listen. Pay close attention to the sounds in
the room. Count each sound you hear. If your mind wanders, bring it back to this moment.
Continue to focus on the sounds around you. Remember, you are not judging the sounds.
Just notice and count them. Continue to practice this until your time is up.

EXERCISE 4.5 Be Focused and Fascinated

There are many day-to-day activities that probably no longer fascinate you. They have
become commonplace and you pass through them without attention, letting your mind
time-travel instead. But if you were new to this earth, experiencing everything for the first
time, you would be endlessly fascinated. That’s part of the joy of spending time with chil-
dren; they are delighted by some of the simplest things, like finding an autumn leaf on the
ground. Children have the gift of living in the present moment. If you bring this kind of
fascination and focus to commonplace activities, you will experience the present moment
in all its wonder.

Take a shower. Feel the heat of the water on your body; listen to it splash; notice as
it lands on each part of you. Put the soap in your palm and really feel it there. Feel its
weight, its shape, what it’s like to hold it. Smell the way the soap mixes with the water;
what does it smell like? Breathe the steam into your nostrils and throat.

Wash the dishes. Wash one dish at a time. Focus only on the dish in your hand, not
the others in the pile. Feel the weight of the dish as you wash it; feel its edges. See if it’s
smooth or rough. Feel the water on your hands; feel the temperature; notice the soap
bubbles. Notice where you are standing, where your body is in the room. Plant your feet
and be there. Notice the sounds as you wash the dish. Be there fully for every moment.
72   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Work in the garden. Feel the soil in your hands. Notice its texture, its temperature, and
whether it’s wet or dry. Smell the scents of the earth and the plants. Feel the sensations
of the fresh air, the breeze, the sun on your body. Breathe the air in deeply.

Now that you have the idea, think of three other activities you can engage in fully and
be truly present for in your own life:

Activity A: 

Activity B: 

Activity C: 

EXERCISE 4.6 Be in Your Body

The body has a tremendous gift of mindfulness because it is incapable of time traveling.
No matter what your mind is up to, your body is always exactly “here and now.” Feel the
sensations in every part of your body. Begin with your toes. Wiggle your toes; sense them.
Use your toes to feel the inside of your socks or shoes. Then, notice your ankles. Notice
the energy in them as you move up your legs. Are they tingling, calm, heavy? Pay attention
to your knees. Bend and stretch them. Feel the joints in motion. Feel your midsection and
back. Sense them. Are they warm or cool? Is your stomach gurgling and churning, or silent
and still? Is your back aching and tender, relaxed, strong, tense? Feel your breath moving
the air in and out of your body. Feel your heart beating in your chest. Notice your neck and
shoulders. Are they tense or relaxed? Feel the sensations of your arms and wrists. Wiggle
your fingers. Make a fist and let it go. Notice how letting go feels. Feel your throat and the
energy there. Is it tight or soft? Feel the inside of your mouth. Feel your tongue and your
teeth. Notice your nose, eyes, and eyelids. Blink slowly. Feel the energy in your ears and the
top of your head. Be aware of all of you now—your entire body—and feel alive.
Practice this for five minutes daily. Similar to the other mindfulness exercises, the more
often you practice it, the more you will begin to sense yourself in your body. Experiencing
your body will help you return to the moment and will add a sense of calm to your day.
 Mindfulness   73

EXERCISE 4.7 Walking with Words

Walking with words is another skill to help you calm your mind and focus on your values.
Pick three positive words and walk with them. For example, your three words could
be “peace,” “harmony,” and “well-being.” Think each word with each step you take, and
repeat again and again. Repeat the words when you go to check your mailbox, when you
are at the grocery store, when you are heading up stairs to a meeting, or when you are
walking with your kids. This practice achieves two things: first, it trains your mind to calm
down during ordinary activities, and second, it slows down your walking so that you can
be in the present moment. These words are also used in meditation and prayer. Practice
walking with words and let your mind enjoy the calm.

How to Breathe
Imagine the feeling of swimming deep underwater. Imagine the sudden realization that you
are almost out of breath, the sensation of kicking your way to the surface. Imagine how it feels
to burst back into air, into breathing. You bring that air into your lungs, and you are restored.
That first breath is a gasping, powerful expression of your love for life. Breath is life.
Many of us breathe in ways that limit the power and healing of breath. Do this test to see
how you breathe: sit in a chair and place your right hand on your heart and the left across
your belly button. Breathe normally. Which of your hands moves more than the other? Is it
the hand on your belly or the one on your chest?
If you are frequently stressed or anxious, it’s likely that you are breathing from your chest.
Breathing in this way keeps your breath shallow and thin, limiting the amount of life-giving
oxygen you receive. Learning to breathe from your belly will significantly decrease the stress
in your life, because you will naturally be more at ease.
To practice, sit in a chair and, position your hands so that the right hand is on your heart
and the left hand is on your belly. Pay close attention to the left hand on your belly; your goal
is to have this hand moving in and out with every breath. It may be helpful not to think of
taking “deep” breaths for this exercise, because this sometimes leads people to gasp in air
quickly. Instead, repeat to yourself, Slow and low. Let the air ooze in through your nose and
down low into your belly. Feel your belly expand as the air sinks deeply into it: Slow and low.
Begin by practicing this activity in a quiet place without distractions. Start with one
minute at a time. Do it daily for at least a week. Next, increase the duration to five minutes
at a time. After another week, begin to pay close attention to your breathing when you are
74   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

out of the house and more likely to be distracted. Repeat to yourself, Slow and low, in line at
the bank, in a meeting at work, visiting someone at the hospital, or during dinner with
friends. When you feel yourself getting stressed, frustrated, or anxious, check your breathing.
Chances are you have gone right back to your chest. Take a moment to focus on your breath-
ing and bring that breath back to your belly.

Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a concept borrowed from Zen Buddhism. It was first widely introduced
by clinical psychologist and professor of psychology Marsha Linehan (1993). Working with
clients who were experiencing strong emotion and destructive behaviors, she needed a way to
help clients manage life challenges and begin to build a live worth living. She developed the
idea of radical acceptance to help clients experience the world without judgment. In 2003,
Tara Brach, also a clinical psychologist and a mindfulness meditation teacher, expanded the
concept to help others learn the skills of not judging others, yourself, your feelings, or any part
of the present moment. Mindfulness, as you have been learning, is about observing without
judgment. Radical acceptance is your ability to bear what is in a kind and sympathetic way.

Kristy’s Story After Kristy’s husband has an affair and moves out, she finds
herself especially irritable. A long line at the grocery store can quickly leave her mad
and frustrated. When Kristy begins practicing mindfulness, she learns the idea of
radical acceptance and slowly starts to pause during moments of agitation to accept
her current situation. The long line at the store becomes something she can endure
and accept. She observes this experience without judgment and simply keeps
moving forward. When she accepts rather than resists her day-to-day experiences,
Kristy finds greater peace. Her irritability fades. In time, Kristy’s regular practice of
radical acceptance allows her to accept not only the minor frustrations of daily life
but also the painful loss of her marriage. She begins to accept this experience as a
part of her life’s journey, not one to be struggled against but simply another
experience to walk through with serenity and grace.

One way to practice radical acceptance is to repeat this phrase: It is what it is. To begin,
do the following exercise. It will be helpful, at first, to practice it when you are experiencing
minor frustrations. In the future, you will be able to practice radical acceptance when you are
having strong feelings, but while first learning a skill, it’s wise to start small.
 Mindfulness   75

EXERCISE 4.8 It Is What It Is

Close your eyes. Move your attention to your belly. Feel your breath moving into your belly;
feel it moving out. Remind yourself: This is what it is. It may not be what I would choose, but
this is what it is. I can tolerate what is. To deny what is would be a waste of my energy. I can
and will accept that this situation is exactly as it needs to be, even if I do not understand the
purpose or meaning of it.
Practice this exercise for only one minute when you feel a rush of emotions. This mind-
fulness exercise allows you to walk into acceptance of the situation or event without judg-
ment. You can practice it many times in one day. In the book Wherever You Go, There You
Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn (2005) says it best: mindfulness practice is “simple but not easy.” This
exercise teaches you to catch yourself before you automatically race down a path that is hot
with emotion. The more you use this practice, the smoother your day will go, freeing your
energy up for healthier choices.

Why is acceptance so important? Because to deny, to battle against, or to argue with the
present moment does not make sense. You may kill time that way, but it will only be a waste
of energy. It is what it is. You will likely need to remind yourself of this many times a day or
even many times an hour. Frustrations arise frequently in our day-to-day lives. We don’t get
what we want. Worse, we don’t get what we think we need. Something inside of us decides to
push against what is, to decide that there’s something wrong with the present moment, that
we have to change it, reshape it, mold it into something else in order to be okay. We exert
energy, even to the point of exhaustion, convinced that we will be all right only if we can
repaint the world in the colors of our choosing. And the end result of all that frustration and
effort? It’s usually greater frustration, less energy, and no peace.
In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle (2004) points out that there are only three possible
responses to a situation that have any merit at all: to leave the situation, to change the situa-
tion, or to accept the situation. That means that there are certain times when acceptance
alone is not the answer. There are times when you will need to put your energy into changing
something in your life. But then, how will you know when to practice radical acceptance?
This leads us to the next lesson of this chapter: the Serenity Prayer.
76   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

The Serenity Prayer

This prayer is used regularly in 12-step programs.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Many people have described it as “the perfect prayer.” Use this prayer in whatever way fits
for you and gets you closer to the much-needed balance between acceptance and change.
Saying the Serenity Prayer can be an incredible self-soothing technique too.
Read the prayer aloud to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable using the word “God,” feel
free to change the wording around so that it makes sense for you. You might say, “I am
seeking the serenity…” or “May I remember to accept the things I cannot change, find the
courage to change the things that I can change, and be able to tell the difference.” What’s
important is the message in this prayer, not saying it perfectly. Feel it out and see what works
for you.
Next, take a piece of paper and write out the prayer. If you decide to change the wording,
write it out in the way you want to say it. Take up the whole sheet of paper. Use markers,
crayons, colored pencils, or anything else you can think of to make the prayer stand out.
Hang this prayer on your wall, refrigerator, bathroom mirror, computer workstation—any-
place where you will be likely to see it throughout your day. You may also type it or record it
into your phone for easy access throughout the day.
Say these words out loud to yourself every morning. Repeat them again before you go to
sleep. Pretty soon you will have the words memorized, and then you will be able to say them
when you need them the most. This is usually when something out of your control is frustrat-
ing you (like traffic, bad weather, someone else’s behavior, illness) and the best thing you can
do is accept it—or when there’s something within your control that you should focus on
changing (the way you are treating others, engaging in unhealthy behaviors) and the best
thing you can do is remember your values and take action toward aligning with them.

John’s Story John lost his house because of his gambling addiction. His children
have both gone away to college. No longer living in the home his family shared
makes the children seem even farther away. One night, John finds himself driving
to his old neighborhood after a stressful day at work. He pulls his car up in front of
his old house and finds himself flooded with pain and anger when he sees that the
new owners have let the yard become neglected and overgrown. He took such pride
in their home!
 Mindfulness   77

Just as John begins to feel overwhelmed, he remembers the Serenity Prayer. He

takes a copy of the prayer out of his glove compartment and reads it aloud. Breathing
quietly, he repeats it again and again to himself until calm returns to him. John
knows he has to accept that this is no longer his home; he has to let go. John also
thinks about the little apartment he now shares with his wife, and how his shame
and despair at living in the run-down building have kept him from taking any pride
in their new home. John decides that this is something he can change.
He takes out a piece of paper and makes a short list of ways he can improve the
place: fresh paint, an area rug, potted plants for the living room, and flowers for the
window boxes. He decides to ask his wife if she, too, has any ideas for things she
would like to change in the apartment. John thinks about his children and how he
has distanced himself from them more and more since losing their childhood home.
He makes a promise to himself to call each of them the next weekend, no matter
what. John drives home feeling a sense of peace, as if a weight has been lifted off his
chest.

Conclusion
In this chapter, you learned a few mindfulness skills that can help you achieve more balance
in your life. Finding balance and serenity is a lifelong practice. There will be moments when
you experience serenity and moments when you are sure you’re back at square one. But as
long as you keep practicing your skills, these moments of balance will become more and more
frequent. You will find the peace of mind you were seeking all along. And you will find it
without succumbing to addiction. Keep these mindfulness practices front and center as we
move on to the next chapter, where we delve into the difficult topic of loss. Continue the
powerful commitment to your healing!
 PART 2

Looking at Your Losses

 CHAPTER 5

Loss

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

—Jack Kornfield

I magine that your life is a big, extraordinary mansion filled with rooms. Each room is more
beautiful than the next. There are rooms for hosting parties, rooms for working, rooms for
lounging. There are bedrooms with views and bathrooms with Jacuzzi tubs. Every room in your
life is clean and bright, and filled with your favorite things. You can move freely into each room,
enjoying the sights, smells, and colors. This is what it was like at the beginning of your life.
But slowly, quietly, something has happened inside your house. Loss has come. It has
visited you many times. It has shown up in many forms, not just death, as you will see, but in
the form of lost friendships, lost jobs, lost trust through betrayals. With each loss came strong
emotions, emotions you believed were intolerable and you tried to dodge. Not wanting these
feelings to disrupt your life, you tried to push them away. It was as if each loss got pushed away
into a room in your beautiful house. You boarded up the windows, turned off the lights, and
locked the door. You locked that loss away somewhere.
Over the course of your life, you may have surrendered space to dozens of these dark,
hidden rooms. And little by little, entire wings and floors of your beautiful house have been
shut down and boarded up. Parts of your life—of your very self—were locked away. By now,
you may be confined to one tiny room, with a mansion full of locked rooms all around that
you dare not enter.
One of the goals of this book is to help you begin to enter those locked rooms, one by one.
This book will lead you step by step through the process of grieving your losses, finally leaving
you able to move freely around your life and experience all that it has to offer. Imagine the
grieving process as your way of entering each room and clearing out the cobwebs, dusting the
furniture, and sweeping the floors. Through mindfulness and the other skills you are learning
in this workbook, you will open the windows in each room of your beautiful house. You will
bring fresh air and sunlight into these dark spaces.
82   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

To get to that place of freedom, you will have to do the work. You have already made it
through the first part of this book; you kept your commitment to yourself, and that’s some-
thing to be proud of! You have shown that you are willing to do what it takes to move forward
into a new and better way of life. In this chapter, you will begin the challenging work of con-
fronting your losses. You will identify them, put them down on paper, and explore them. You
are bringing your losses into the light. So, let’s get started!

What Is Loss?
A little later in this chapter, you will find a list of many kinds of losses. It’s likely that at first
glance, the list won’t make sense. That’s because you probably didn’t consider these experi-
ences to be “losses” when they happened. You knew that you were in pain and that life felt
upside down somehow, but the word “loss” probably didn’t come to mind. That’s because this
is a pretty unique way of seeing things. Most of the time, when you hear the word “loss,” you
think of death, but the truth is that, in the course of your life, there are many significant losses.
Here’s a good way to start defining loss: think of a loss as any time when you’ve said good-
bye to something. You could say good-bye to a relationship, the house you grew up in, a job, a
school, a town. It may be that you said good-bye to a dream when you realized you would never
play professional baseball or be a concert-level pianist. You may have been forced to say good-
bye to your innocence at a very young age; someone or something may have stolen your child-
hood from you through trauma. That’s a loss. That is a heavy, angry monster of a loss. You may
have said good-bye to a marriage or to a child who was going off to kindergarten, or maybe you
said good-bye to that same child as he went off to college. Maybe you had your heart set on a
new job and had to say good-bye to that hope as the phone went day after day without ringing.
All of these experiences have hit you as losses, even if you didn’t know it. They triggered
a mourning response in you that probably went unacknowledged, because—hey, who has a
funeral to say good-bye to their childhood home? Who gets friends together to mourn the
death of a marriage? It’s likely that you never truly grieved for the losses in your life. But even
so, you may be thinking, Why does that matter?

Why Look at Old Losses?

As you read in the introduction, the goal of this workbook is to guide you toward long-term,
lasting recovery and well-being. This will mean not only looking at your current addictive
behaviors and any recent losses that may contribute to them, but also revisiting old losses and
healing them. The thing is this: loss compounds loss. The losses build on themselves. It’s as
if those old wounds were simply covered over with a thin layer of scarring, only to reopen as
 Loss   83

soon as another loss hit and then to begin throbbing and bleeding all over again. Lasting
recovery requires healing at the source.
As you just read, it’s possible that some of your most significant losses occurred in child-
hood. Early trauma and abuse can take many forms. Each form is a thief, stealing the calm,
security, and happiness that every child is entitled to. If you experienced trauma in your early
years, you suffered heartbreaking losses: the loss of safety, the loss of self-esteem, the loss of
trust and faith in the world around you. Young and fragile at that time, you didn’t have the
ability to work through these losses. You couldn’t heal from them the way you needed to.
One of your most important tasks now is to go back and heal those old wounds. You have
the power now to help that little kid, the child inside of you who did not know how to grieve.
You are going to confront and move on from all the losses of your life, and in doing so, you
will take the power away from the addictive patterns that followed.

Christina’s Story Christina’s father was an alcoholic who abused her mother in
front of Christina and her siblings. Christina would hide under her bed when she
heard her father downstairs. She did that so often that she began to sleep there every
night. “I used my little stuffed dog as a pillow,” she explains. “I can still remember the
smell under my bed: kind of musty, like an attic. I must have been tiny when I started
sleeping there. I remember thinking no one would ever find me. By the time I was
eight, I couldn’t fit there anymore. I guess that was one of my first losses, huh? I lost
my hiding place. I never felt safe after that, even after my dad moved away.”
Christina grew up to be a successful lawyer. Shortly after her divorce, a minor car
accident leaves her with back problems. Within a few months, Christina is abusing
Vicodin, the painkiller that her doctor prescribed. Her work is suffering, and
friendships are becoming strained and distant, but somehow, she can’t stop. Terrified
and overwhelmed, she comes to therapy, hoping to heal.
As she looks at her losses, Christina begins to make connections. Her own
divorce triggered painful memories from childhood. “I thought I had put all of that
behind me,” she says. “But the night my husband moved out, I felt this urge to sleep
under my bed. I actually slept in the guest bedroom for two months; it’s the smallest
room in the house. I guess it was the closest I could come to that old hiding place.
After that, I think the pills became my hiding place.”

Taking a Look at Your Losses

It’s likely that strong feelings are coming up for you right now. Thinking about revisiting old,
painful experiences from your life may make you feel anxious. It may be your instinct to avoid
this chapter altogether. Your mind may offer up thoughts like these:
84   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

This is silly.

These things don’t even bother me; I never even think about them!

I can skip this part.

That’s all in the past. It’s pointless to think about it.

Going back over all that stuff will only make things worse.

Isn’t your mind amazing? It’s always there, doing its job. It offers up thought after thought,
trying to protect you. As you learned in chapter 2, your mind may have your best interests at
heart, but it can often lead you astray. When it tells you not to do this work, it’s sending you
down the wrong path. It is trying to help you avoid painful feelings, when really, the only way
to heal is to “embrace the dog,” remember? You can tolerate your emotions. You can experi-
ence fear, sorrow, anger, shame, heartache—all of the emotions that loss brings with it—and
still be okay.
As you work through the upcoming exercises, continue practicing the mindfulness exer-
cises you learned in chapter 4. Practice self-care; do things that help you relax and unwind in
a healthy way. Cut yourself some slack if you find yourself feeling grumpy, tired, or down, and
give yourself credit for the challenging, important work you are doing to get better. If you find
that your mind is trying to tell you to avoid looking at your old losses, this is a good time to
choose the opposite reaction. Remember what you value. Remember why you began this
journey in the first place, and focus on the healthy life you see ahead.

EXERCISE 5.1 Losses Checklist

Think about this list of losses. Write a check mark next to any loss that you‘ve had in your
own life, whether or not you believe it has had a big impact on you. (If you prefer, you can
download this checklist at http://www.newharbinger.com/48107.)

lost a job or business had a miscarriage

unemployed long term (loss of infertility
identity, loss of hope, loss of purpose, had an abortion
loss of money)
gave a baby up for adoption
quit a job
were given up for adoption yourself
promotion or demotion at work
failed adoption experience
parents divorced/split up
loss of reputation
divorce
 Loss   85

unrequited love loss of friendship through argument/

conflict
breakup of important romantic
relationship aging (loss of youth, loss of energy, loss
of health)
death of a pet
loss of an organ or joint
having to give a pet away
loss of driver’s license
pet running away
homelessness/loss of housing
military deployment
moving to a new house or apartment
arrest/time in jail (loss of freedom)
moving to a new town/city
time in prison
moving to a new state
mental illness or a psychotic break
moving to a different country
psychiatric treatment as an inpatient
living in a foreign country (loss of
drug or alcohol treatment/rehab as an
cultural identity, loss of connection
inpatient
to own culture)
severe depression/suicidal thoughts
losing your home
(loss of hope, loss of mental stability)
loss of virginity
graduation from high school
loss of sexual interest
graduation from college
impotence
graduation from graduate school
or other higher education addiction of a parent
spiritual crisis/loss of faith mental illness of a parent
mastectomy absent father
loss of a limb absent mother
loss of mobility (unable to walk or move) discharge from military
chronic illness (loss of health) abuse (loss of security, loss of safety,
loss of self-esteem, loss of trust,
hearing loss
loss of identity)
loss of sight/worsening vision
physical abuse
being betrayed, lied to, manipulated
verbal abuse/emotional abuse/
(loss of trust)
psychological abuse
a friend moving away
sexual abuse
loss of friendship through losing touch/
drifting apart
86   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

loss of a dream (realizing you will death of another close family member
never get to do something you death of a sibling
always dreamed of)
a sibling leaving home
large financial loss
death of your spouse
loss of license through DUI
death of your child
trauma: sexual assault
your child leaving home/leaving
trauma: physical assault or other for college
act of violence
ending counseling/therapy (loss of
trauma: natural disaster (pandemic, mental health support)
fire, earthquake)
loss of certainty about the future
trauma: combat
loss of mental functioning/dementia
trauma: other 
sexual harassment (loss of safety
death of a close friend at work)
death of your father domestic violence (loss of safety
death of your mother at home)
death of your paternal grandfather being discriminated against
death of your paternal grandmother other loss: 
death of your maternal grandfather other loss: 
death of your maternal grandmother other loss: 

EXERCISE 5.2 Identifying Your Losses

Now that you have considered the list of possible losses and have marked which of them
you have experienced, it’s time to identify which of these losses are most significant for you.
Remember, it doesn’t matter one bit whether a certain loss would be important in someone
else’s life; it only matters if it was important in yours. For example, a cat that ran away and
never came home could be a very painful loss for one person, while moving to a different
house may have been a more painful loss for someone else. This is your journey: your task
is to reflect honestly on your losses and see which are most significant for you.
Look back to your list of possible losses and choose the five losses that were most
impactful in your life. Use the following space to write down these losses along with a brief
description of each.
 Loss   87

Example A

Your loss: Death of my mother.

Brief description: She had a heart attack; I was sixteen.

Example B

Your loss: Lost a job.

Brief description: Two years ago, they caught me using and I got fired—best job I’ve ever
had.

Your Responses

Your loss 1: 

Brief description: 

Your loss 2: 

Brief description: 

Your loss 3: 

Brief description: 

Your loss 4: 

Brief description: 

Your loss 5: 

Brief description: 

Exploring the Impact of Your Losses

In the following exercises, you will begin to explore the true effect your losses had on you. If
you are like many people, you may have tried to push past the pain of experiencing your loss
and move forward quickly; to do that, you may have begun to lock those losses away in the
rooms of your house. You didn’t know it then, but even locked behind closed doors, the losses
had a powerful effect on your life. Now it’s time to start acknowledging the impact of your
losses. In completing the following worksheet, consider these questions: Was the impact of
88   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

your loss immediate, long term, or both? Were there times when the impact of the loss felt
huge? What about times when you hardly noticed the impact it had on you? Looking back,
can you see the influence this loss was having on your life even if you didn’t know it then?

EXERCISE 5.3 How Resolved Is Your Loss?

Let’s begin by looking at how far you have come in processing your losses. Considering
each loss you listed in the previous exercise, one at a time, take this ten-question quiz to see
where you are in your healing process. Circle the number next to the answer that makes
sense for you right now. Scoring will be explained after you have considered all of your
losses. Make copies of this quiz to use with each loss you are targeting, or visit http://www.
newharbinger.com/48107 to download the quiz.

Indicate which loss you are reflecting on here: 

When I think about this loss, I feel…

1. …calm, but a little bit sad at times.

2. …I don’t think about it.

3. …numb.

4. …overwhelmed or furious.

I have talked about this loss with…

1. …anyone who would benefit from knowing about it.

2. …a counselor, therapist, or spiritual adviser as well as loved ones.

3. …only my very closest friends and/or family members.

4. …No one knows about the loss.

When I talk about the loss…

1. …I get emotional at times; I share how I’m feeling with the person I’m talking to.

2. …I am very matter-of-fact; nothing affects me.

3. …I don’t talk about the loss.

4. …I become emotionally overwhelmed and shut down.

 Loss   89

I have dreams related to the loss…

1. …once in a while.

2. …never or almost never.

3. …pretty often.

4. …almost every night.

At the time of the loss, the people closest to me…

1. …talked to me about the loss and about their own emotions and experiences; helped
me to feel safe expressing myself.

2. …tried to be there for me but were too overwhelmed or couldn’t handle it; I focused on
their needs and taking care of them more than myself.

3. …shut down and avoided talking about the loss; sent me the message that my feelings
about the loss should be kept to myself or maybe were wrong altogether.

4. …There wasn’t anyone close to me during the loss.

After the loss, I did something…

1. …right away; I felt ready to do something.

2. …a short time later.

3. …months later; I was in a fog for quite a while.

4. …I still haven’t taken any action steps.

Even though I have experienced a significant loss, giving back to the community…

1. …is important to me; I like helping others.

2. …is important, but I’d rather wait a little first.

3. …is not important; I’d rather just stay away from community activities.

4. …is not important at all; what’s the point?

Since the loss, I have been able to find meaning…

1. …most days; I feel I’m on the right track.

2. …once in a while.
90   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

3. …not very often; I don’t really know how to make sense of my loss.

4. …not at all; I cannot make sense of my loss.

Since the loss, my family and I are…

1. …close; we touch base often.

2. …pretty close; I feel that there is support there if I need it.

3. …distant; we don’t talk much.

4. …estranged; I’m pretty mad.

In regard to this loss, I feel…

1. …sometimes sad, but mostly at peace.

2. …a deep, powerful sadness.

3. …self-blame, a sense of responsibility, guilt, shame, or regret.

4. …numb, closed off; everything seems dark.

Add together the numbers you circled to get your total score for this loss.

Write your total score for this loss here:      

Remember, even if you have a long way to go toward resolving a loss, that’s okay; you
are here to do the work! You will get there. You will experience the freedom that comes from
resolving a loss. Now, take the total score for each loss and write it below:

Loss 1 score:      

Loss 2 score:      

Loss 3 score:      

Loss 4 score:      

Loss 5 score:      

Scoring

10–20 points: Good job! You have processed your loss very well. There’s still some work
to do, but you are on your way to healthy recovery from your loss.
 Loss   91

21–30 points: You may still be struggling with some strong feelings about the loss. The
loss still has a significant impact on you, and there’s still work to be done.

31–40 points: This loss is still unresolved. It is causing you a lot of unnecessary pain and
struggle, and it’s time to take a good look at this and get moving forward. Some people
benefit from talking to a professional counselor once they see how past losses may be
affecting them. Complete the next worksheet thoroughly to see exactly how this loss has
been affecting you. Part 3 of this workbook, particularly chapter 8, Mindful Grieving, will
give you more tools for working through your loss. You will experience healing if you focus
your skills on this loss.

EXERCISE 5.4 Loss Impact Worksheet

Now consider the impact of each loss you listed in exercise 5.2. It will be best to start with
your least resolved loss, based on your scores from the previous exercise. Then move on to
next least resolved loss, and so on, until you’ve considered all five. Write down your ideas
about how each loss may have affected your life. You can do that in the space below, in
your journal, or on the worksheet, which you can download from http://newharbinger.
com/48107. If you write your answers below, it would be wise to photocopy the worksheet
first so that you have one copy for each of your five most significant losses. If you download
the worksheet, print out five copies. Using your journal is another option, and as always, it’s
is a great place to expand on your thoughts and feelings as they come up.

Your loss: 

Consider the influence your loss had on the following areas of your life:

Spirituality: 

Social life: 


92   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Ideas about relationships: 

School or work functioning: 

Eating or sleeping: 

Family life: 

Mood: 

Sense of security and safety: 

How you see yourself: 


 Loss   93

Connecting Your Losses

Now that you have looked back through your life and considered the losses you experienced,
you will be able to see connections among these losses. Most important for the next exercise
is for you to consider similarities in the ways you’ve dealt with the loss. What common pat-
terns do you see in the ways you respond to loss?

EXERCISE 5.5 Your Responses to Loss

1. How do you react to the people around you when you are coping with a loss?

2. What ways do you take care of yourself when you have experienced a loss? Or is this
an area that needs work? Reflect on ways you can practice self-care.

3. Did your responses to a loss—such as addictive behaviors or other emotion-dodging

strategies—ever lead to another loss?

4. What are the most powerful feelings that come up for you when you think about the loss?


94   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

5. Can you see ways that each loss may have brought up unresolved grief from a previous
loss? Reflect on how loss compounds loss.

Conclusion
You have come to the end of a difficult chapter and done some truly impressive work.
Congratulations! You have identified, examined, and contemplated the most significant
losses in your life. On the one hand, you may be feeling some relief as these losses have been
brought into the light. On the other hand, you may find yourself feeling even more raw, vul-
nerable, and at risk of doing your addictive behavior. If that’s the case, do not give up! Use the
tools you have learned so far to help you. Or check in with your counselor or support group
for additional guidance. You will get the sense of peace and ease that comes from resolving a
loss. There are more connections to be made in the following chapters, which will give you
greater insight into yourself and the patterns of addiction and loss that are woven throughout
your life. You are getting your feet on the ground by educating yourself and gaining a solid
understanding of loss and addiction. This will give you an excellent foundation to do the
transformational healing work in part 3 of this workbook. Keep it up!
 CHAPTER 6

Addiction

To be on a quest is nothing more or less than to become an asker of questions.

—Sam Keen

E ven though you have already been working on and considering your addictive behaviors
while going through this book, there’s a good chance you have some doubts about whether
you are really “addicted.” You probably have some questions. Maybe there are even times
when you think you were wrong about having a problem and maybe you can control it after
all. How can you know whether your behavior is an addiction? What does that really mean?
The goal of this chapter is for you to spend some time figuring out what addiction actually
is. You will have the chance to sort out what behaviors you do that may have taken the form
of an addiction. You will also have the chance to map the course these addictions have taken,
to get a closer look at how your addiction developed and how it has gotten worse. Wouldn’t
you like to know when and how it all started? Perhaps you have some idea about when things
started to get bad. Now you are going to start from the beginning and uncover the path you
took that got you using to excess.
At times, you may have switched one addictive behavior for another in an attempt to help
yourself. This is very common. Do you remember the character Mystique from the X-Men
comic series? As a “shape-shifter,” she was incredibly dangerous. She could turn herself into
anyone at all. How could her enemies ever see her coming? Just like a shape-shifter, addictive
behavior can be crafty and clever. Just when you are getting close to managing an addiction,
it can change shape completely! You may welcome it in without ever knowing that this is the
same old enemy you’ve been waging war against. That’s why it will be so helpful to write it all
down and see it in black and white. The more you come to understand the patterns of your
addictive behavior—its primary moves and battle tactics—the better prepared you will be to
recognize it and anticipate what’s coming next. Be curious. Use this opportunity to get to
know yourself better. That’s one of the best ways to heal. Let the journey begin!
96   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

What Is an Addiction?
You probably have a pretty good idea about what an addiction is. After all, now there are so
many TV shows about addiction and addictive behavior that it’s hard to get away from it.
Addiction is a compulsive need to use a substance or do a troubling behavior despite the bad
consequences to you or others. Most folks with addiction problems have a tough time with
relationships, family, work, or school, and they can even get in trouble with the law. You may
have also heard the terms “tolerance” and “withdrawal.” Tolerance means you want more and
more of the substance, or want to do more and more of the troubling behavior. Withdrawal
means that you experience the psychological or physical impact of not having the substance
or not doing the troubling behavior. To get a clearer picture of addiction, let’s take a look at
Brenda’s story.

Brenda’s Story The divorced mother of two young boys, Brenda works as a
clothing designer. She doesn’t think she has a real problem with alcohol until her
boss calls her in, sits her down, and tells her that she has missed too much work
over the past three months. Her boss is concerned because one of the clients
smelled alcohol on Brenda’s breath last week after she arrived late for a 9:00 a.m.
meeting. When the boss asks her about it, Brenda feels embarrassed and angry, but
says everything is fine and walks out of the office.
Brenda thinks briefly about how her life is slowly getting out of control. Her
divorce is final, and her sons are living with their father. She misses them and thinks
a few drinks will cover up her sadness. She is mad at everyone, it seems—mad at her
ex, at her boss, at her best friend who said she had a drinking problem. She has a
bottle of vodka stashed in her desk drawer. She looks at her half-filled mug of warm,
black coffee, glances around the office to see if anyone is looking, and then fills the
mug to the top with vodka.

Like Brenda, you may feel overwhelmed by life’s problems. The next step is to spend a
little time with the addiction worksheets and checklists, which are lists of the variety of sub-
stances and behaviors people have struggled with. By completing these worksheets, you will
be farther along on your journey of mapping out your addictive behaviors.
 Addiction   97

EXERCISE 6.1 Identify Addictions Worksheet:

Alcohol, Drugs, and Caffeine
Here is a list of common substances that can become addictive when used too much. Place
a check mark next to the ones that ring true for you or that you have used often.

Alcohol Inhalants

beer nitrites
hard liquor paints or fuels
wine solvents or sprays
other alcohol products other inhalants
 

Caffeine Marijuana

caffeinated sodas pot or hash

coffee or tea other marijuana products
energy drinks 
pain relievers and stimulants
with caffeine Nicotine
other caffeine products
chewing tobacco or vaping tobacco

cigarettes
cigars
Hallucinogens
nicotine gum or nicotine skin patches
Ecstasy pipe tobacco
ketamine snuff
LSD other nicotine products
mushrooms 
PCP
other hallucinogens

98   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Opiates Sedatives

heroin barbiturates
opium Quaaludes (methaqualone)
speedballs Nembutal (pentobarbital)
other opiate products Seconal (secobarbital)
 Amytal (amobarbital)
Doriden (glutethimide)
Prescription Pain Drugs other sedatives
(these are also opiates)

codeine (also used in cough medicine)
Darvon (dextropropoxyphene) Prescription Drugs Used for Sleep
Demerol (meperidine) Ambien, Edluar, Zolpimist (zolpidem)
fentanyl (Duragesic, Fentora, Lazanda, Benadryl (diphenhydramine)
Subsys)
Dalmane (flurazepam)
 ydrocodone (Hysingla ER, Zohydro ER,
h
Halcion (triazolam)
also in cough medicine)
Lunesta (eszopiclone)
methadone
Restoril (temazepam)
morphine
Rozerem (ramelteon)
OxyContin (oxycodone)
Sonata (zaleplon)
 ercodan (aspirin and oxycodone
P
hydrochloride) other drugs used for sleep
Vicodin (acetaminophen and 
hydrocodone)
other prescription drugs for pain

 Addiction   99

Prescription Drugs Used for Anxiety Stimulants

Ativan (lorazepam) amphetamine

Librium (chlordiazepoxide) bath salts
Valium (diazepam) cocaine
Xanax (alprazolam) ephedrine
other drugs used for anxiety methamphetamine
 other stimulants

Steroids
Prescription Drugs Used for
Oral Steroids
Attention Problems
Anadrol (oxymetholone)
 dderall (amphetamine and
A
Dianabol (methandrostenolone)
dextroamphetamine)
Oxandrin (oxandrolone)
Concerta (methylphenidate)
Winstrol (stanozolol)
Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine)
Injectable Steroids Cylert (pemoline)
Deca-Durabolin (nandrolone Provigil (modafinil)
decanoate)
other drugs used for attention problems
Depo-Testosterone (testosterone

cypionate)
Durabolin (nandrolone
phenylpropionate)
 quipoise (boldenone undecylenate)
E
(veterinary product)

If you checked one or more of the drugs just listed, the next step is to see whether you
have an addiction. The best way to figure this out is to complete the following “Checklist of
Addiction Signs.”
100   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 6.2 Checklist of Addiction Signs:

Alcohol or Drugs
Here is a list of signs and symptoms of alcohol or drug addiction. Place a check mark next
to any of the signs that you have. (If you prefer, you can download this checklist at http://
newharbinger.com/48107.)

Trying to quit or cut down on the use of alcohol or drugs but can’t

Increasing the amount of alcohol or drugs needed to feel a buzz (tolerance)

Feeling an urgency to get the day’s first drink or drug (feeling itchy, restless, and
eager to have it)

Having blackouts, or memory lapses, during or after using alcohol or drugs

Sneaking to use drugs or alcohol, and developing an increasing need to use

Making excuses for drug or alcohol use

Using the substance while alone, or hiding all evidence of using

Avoiding family and friends, especially if they express concern about your drug or
alcohol use

Drinking or using drugs more than other people do at social events

Using alcohol or drugs to forget about your problems

Experiencing financial, legal, medical, family, and/or work problems that have
developed due to alcohol or drug use

Being unable to enjoy social gatherings or events without using drugs or alcohol

Losing interest in other activities and an increased desire to get “high”

Doing things under the influence of drugs or alcohol that cause feelings of shame
or regret later on

Neglecting important responsibilities in order to use drugs or alcohol

Being willing to do almost anything to get the drug or alcohol

 Addiction   101

Being unable to talk about the problem with others

Being in denial about the seriousness of the addiction problem

Not eating properly

Not taking care of yourself or your hygiene

Taking risks that may be harmful to yourself or others, such as having unsafe sex or
driving while high or drunk

Scoring

Count the number of check marks you made in the previous list.

Number of signs and symptoms marked:      

If you checked ten or more signs and symptoms, then there’s a good chance you are
experiencing significant distress due to drugs and alcohol. Use the resources in this work-
book to help yourself. Also, you may want to attend an in-person or online 12-step or
SMART Recovery meeting for extra support while using this book. Seek professional therapy
as soon as possible to give yourself the best chance of lasting recovery.
If you checked nine or fewer signs and symptoms, then alcohol or drugs are still causing
problems for you. Continuing to do the work will bring you closer to regaining your health
and improving your coping skills.

What did it feel like to look at this list? On the one hand, it can be pretty uncomfortable
to really think about the ways alcohol or drugs have taken over your life. On the other hand,
maybe it feels good to step back and see what your addiction has been doing to your life,
especially now that you are working so hard to change things. Maybe you feel regret or even
shame when you look at this list. Maybe you fear that life will stay out of control or get out of
control in the worst way again. Or maybe you feel especially grateful to be in recovery when
you think about how things were when they were at their worst. It’s likely that you are feeling
a mixture of all of these emotions.
Along with drugs and alcohol, sometimes behaviors can be cause for alarm. If you find
yourself unable to stop a behavior, and if the behavior causes negative consequences in your
life, it’s time to take a closer look. Following is the “Identify Addictions Worksheet: Other
Troubling Behaviors.” Take a few minutes to look at the behaviors listed there. Think about
whether you are doing the behavior too often. Are you experiencing negative outcomes as a
result of this behavior? Remember to be honest with yourself here.
102   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 6.3 Identify Addictions Worksheet:

Other Troubling Behaviors
A number of other troubling behaviors, when done to excess, can mask underlying prob-
lems. Take a look at this list and place a check mark next to the items that ring true for you.
(If you prefer, you can download this worksheet at http://www.newharbinger.com/48107.)

Gambling. Compulsive activity that you are unable to stop, despite the fact that con-
tinuing to gamble is creating serious money and relationship problems.

Overeating. Eating when you are not hungry or when you are already full, eating
too much food that’s not good for you, eating in secret.

Overexercising. Exercising while injured or to the point of exhaustion or injury.

Obsessing about exercise at the expense of your responsibilities or your physical
health.

Overshopping. Spending money that you do not have on items you do not need,
on multiple similar items, or on items for others. Spending even though you do not
have the money.

Overuse of computers/video games. Gaming for hours per day, and/or using the
computer at the expense of your schoolwork, job, relationships, sleep, hygiene, or
health.

Overworking. Working excessive hours; unable to stop working and thinking about
work when you are supposed to be off the job.

Pornography. Obsessively watching pornographic material despite negative

consequences.

Sex. Sexual behavior with multiple partners, visiting prostitutes, sex theaters, or sex
spas, frequent masturbation.

Stealing/Shoplifting. Taking items from stores or from other people for a rush despite
the legal consequences.

TV Watching/Gaming. Watching multiple hours of television or gaming, usually

alone, despite negative feedback from family or friends. Most or all of free time is
spent watching TV or gaming, including sleeping or eating in front of the television,
or not sleeping at all.
 Addiction   103

Now that you have had some time to reflect on your behaviors, the next step is to deter-
mine whether these behaviors indicate that you are struggling with an addiction. Remember
to be honest with yourself. You are identifying the behaviors that are getting in the way of a
healthier you..

EXERCISE 6.4 Checklist of Addiction Signs:

Troubling Behaviors
Here’s a list of signs and symptoms of troubling behaviors. Place a check mark next to any
of the signs that you have. (If you prefer, you can download the checklist at http://www
.newharbinger.com/48107.)

Trying to quit or cut down on the behavior but can’t

Increasing how often you do the behavior to feel good (tolerance)

Urgency in preparing to do the behavior (feeling itchy, restless, and eager to do it)

Sneaking the behavior or hiding all evidence of doing it

Making excuses for doing the behavior

Feeling depressed, anxious, or angry when something keeps you from doing the
behavior

Doing the behavior while alone when it used to be done socially

Avoiding family and friends, especially if they express concern about the behavior

Wanting to leave social events to return to doing the behavior

Doing the behavior to forget about your problems

Experiencing financial, legal, medical, family, and/or work problems that have
developed from doing the behavior

Losing interest in other activities and an increased desire to do the behavior

Feeling shame or regret later on because of doing the behavior

Neglecting important responsibilities in order to do the behavior

Being willing to do almost anything to get back to doing the behavior

104   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Being unable to talk about the problem with others

Being in denial about the seriousness of doing the troubling behavior

Not eating properly, not taking care of yourself or your hygiene

Taking risks that may be harmful to yourself or others

Lying to others about stopping when you are continuing to engage in the behavior

Scoring

Count the number of check marks you just made.

Number of signs and symptoms marked:      

If you checked any of these signs and symptoms, this troubling behavior is causing
problems for you. If you checked ten or more signs and symptoms, then there’s a good
chance you are experiencing significant distress from this behavior. Use the resources in this
workbook and seek professional counseling to help yourself. Also, you may want to attend
an in-person or online 12-step meeting to get extra support while using this book. Some
examples are Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Gamblers Anonymous.

Maybe this is the first time you have really been this honest about your behaviors! Now
that you can see it on paper, you have validation that these behaviors do, in fact, bother you.
Maybe these behaviors have been bothering you for quite a long time. This might be a good
time to practice one of your mindfulness exercises from chapter 4. Mindfulness exercises will
help you stay present in the moment without judgment.
You have done a lot of work so far. Now you are ready to take a look at the time line of
your addictive behavior. Take some time to read and complete the next exercise for a better
understanding of when your addiction took shape.

Uncovering the Time Line of Your Addictive Behavior

For the next exercise, you will think back over the course of your addiction. Remember, your
addictive behavior probably didn’t start off as a problem; it probably started off as your solution
instead. Now is a good time to begin tracking when this behavior became a problem. This
will help you understand how the disease of addiction developed in your life. You will also be
using this time line later in the book, when you begin to make solid connections between the
losses you identified in chapter 5 and the path of your addiction.
 Addiction   105

EXERCISE 6.5 Time Line of Addictive Behavior

Don’t worry if you can’t remember your exact age when something occurred; just do your
best to be in the right ballpark. If you’ve never had one of the experiences listed below (for
example, if you’ve never engaged in the behavior daily), feel free to leave that one blank.
Reflect on the following example to help you get started. In the example, Dave is forty-four
years old.

Dave’s Example

Addictive behavior: smoking

Age the first time you heard about, saw, or became aware of the behavior: 3, my parents
smoked

Age the first time you did the behavior: 11

Age you began doing the behavior on a regular basis: 13

Age you began doing the behavior daily: 14

Negative results of the behavior, and ages at the time: age 16, parents grounded me for
smoking; age 17, got in trouble for trying to buy cigarettes while underage; age 21, didn’t
make the college basketball team (cardio health was already getting worse); age 36, doctor
said high blood pressure; age 42, early signs of emphysema

Age you started using the behavior to cope with life or to escape: 18, or maybe right
away?

Age the first time someone expressed concern about your behavior: 24, girlfriend worried
about my cough, complained about the constant cigarette smell

Age you began to feel dependent on the behavior (felt restless or uncomfortable when
you couldn’t do it): 14

Attempts to quit or cut down on the behavior and ages at the time: age 21, tried to cut
back; age 24, tried to cut back; age 28, tried to cut back

Ages of switching to a different addictive behavior: age 28, tried smoking a pipe instead;
age 30, tried vaping and also tried nicotine gum
106   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Ages of getting treatment for the behavior (rehab, therapy, medical treatment): age 35,
tried hypnosis; age 42, tried medication that was supposed to make me stop

Times of abstinence from the behavior and ages at the time: age 24, quit for two months;
age 42, quit for six months

Ages of relapses and how they happened: age 25, frustrated I had lost a job, at a bar and
friend offered me one; age 42, fight with my wife, stormed out and bought a pack

Age of “bottom” (what made you sure this behavior was no longer okay for you and
that you had to stop somehow; usually a severe result of the behavior, such as an arrest,
a medical problem, or the loss or threatened loss of an important relationship): age 44
(now), chest pains sometimes and my cough is a lot worse; my wife doesn’t want me to
smoke around the kids (I don’t, either)

Your Responses

Addictive behavior: 

Age the first time you heard about, saw, or became aware of the behavior: 

Age the first time you did the behavior: 

Age you began doing the behavior on a regular basis: 

Age you began doing the behavior daily: 

Negative results of the behavior, and ages at the time: 

Age you started using the behavior to cope with life or to escape problems: 

Age the first time someone expressed concern about your behavior: 
 Addiction   107

Age you began to feel dependent on the behavior (felt restless or uncomfortable when
you couldn’t do it): 

Attempts to quit or cut down on the behavior and ages at the time: 

Ages of switching to a different addictive behavior: 

Ages of getting treatment for the behavior (rehab, therapy, medical treatment): 

Times of abstinence from the behavior and ages at the time: 

Ages of relapses and how they happened: 

Age of “bottom” (what made you sure this behavior was no longer okay for you and that
you had to stop somehow; usually a severe result of the behavior, such as an arrest, a
medical problem, or the loss or threatened loss of an important relationship):


108   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Switching to Another Addiction

As you can see by now, many temptations are out there for changing your mood and behav-
ior. Switching from one addiction to another is common to avoid dealing with your painful
issues. It happens to many people. Remember that shape-shifter and its crafty ways? Just when
you start to feel strong in your recovery from prescription pills, you find yourself addicted to
online gambling or cigarettes. You may feel that something is missing when you’ve given up a
favorite addiction. True recovery is an opportunity to fill that space with things that bring
you lasting calm, contentment, well-being, and even joy.

Journey to Wellness
You learned in chapter 1 that your feelings are not going to overpower you and that you can
safely feel them without turning to your addictive behaviors as an escape. You learned to
embrace the dog! In chapter 2, you learned what your mind has been up to: how it tries to be
helpful and keep you safe, but it often fills up with thoughts that cause distress instead. You
learned to catch those repeat-offender thoughts, and you took the time to figure out where
they came from. Chapter 3 took this one step further by helping you to begin thinking about
your behaviors. Learning mindfulness skills in chapter 4 gave you more resources for healing
and coping with stress without going back to your addictive behaviors. Now, you’ll get some
more ideas for filling the empty space. You will learn more positive behaviors to replace the
unhealthy ones. Once you have a few new behaviors to try, there will be no need to pick up
alcohol, drugs, or some other addictive behavior to fill the space.
Getting clear about your thoughts and feelings is especially important for short-circuiting
your brain’s search for another addictive behavior. The brain has overlapping circuits that
relate to seeking pleasure and avoiding stress. That’s why we have included mindfulness skills
in this book: to balance the mind. Since recovery from addiction goes on for a lifetime, why
not prepare for an urge to switch addictive behaviors, and make a plan to take care of
yourself?

Disease vs. Weakness

Imagine for a moment a guy named Andre. Andre suddenly started doing some very
bizarre things. He could be upbeat and affectionate one minute, and moody and withdrawn
the next. He started missing work. He was spending the rent money on drugs. He used to be
a guy you could count on; now his family didn’t know what to expect. Fear and frustration
dominated the house. If Andre had a brain tumor, his behavior would suddenly all make
 Addiction   109

sense. His family would stand by him, get him the treatment he needed, and feel compassion
for him even though he had caused a lot of pain.
The disease of addiction is a brain disease too. It is not a weakness or a sign of bad char-
acter. Substances alter the brain in powerful ways, making it harder and harder to make
choices that fit who you really are. These brain changes, along with withdrawal symptoms
and other factors, make it really hard to stop. You may have kept doing your addictive behav-
ior even though it had negative consequences, like problems at work or school, issues with
friends or family, legal trouble, or poor health. Have you noticed some negative consequences
as a result of your addictive behavior? Take a moment of honest self-reflection here. One of
the most common flaws in thinking is denial. Have you had instances of not believing that
you had a problem? If so, you are not alone. It’s one of the symptoms of addiction. If you don’t
believe you have a problem, you will most likely be unable to decide to stop the behavior. We
call this a vicious cycle; it’s why getting help to stop the addictive behavior makes so much
sense.

It Didn’t Start This Way

Chances are your addictive behaviors didn’t start as a problem. In the beginning, your
behavior was fun and comforting. You enjoyed time with others who were doing the same
behaviors. You may have even felt more relaxed around people. You may have thought to
yourself, I like myself when I do this behavior. You may have thought that the behavior helped
you cope with life’s little and not-so-little stressors. Then something happened. What was fun
and comforting was getting stressful; it was taking over. You lost the power of choice. You
wanted to move forward, but you seemed to have gotten stuck. Let’s take a look at Robert’s
story.

Robert’s Story Robert was a promising athlete in school. His two younger
sisters and parents came to all his races, until his parents got divorced during his
freshman year of high school. From that point on, Robert didn’t see his mother or
sisters that much; he stayed with his father until college.
He runs track during his first year in college and wins lots of meets. He has
friends to run with on the weekends. Robert is popular but shy and anxious. He feels
best when he is running. He decides that running three times a day will help his
anxiety; he rarely sleeps more than four hours a night. When that doesn’t work, he
starts experimenting with speed. Robert also goes to the student health center at
college and fakes ADHD symptoms to get a prescription for Adderall. Now he runs
five to six hours a day, takes speed daily, and takes Adderall at night.
110   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Although his friends worry about him, Robert doesn’t think he has a problem.
When he gets two failing grades his sophomore year, he just thinks the professors are
out to get him. Secretly, Robert wishes he could go back to how it was, when his
family cheered him on at a race. Now he just feels that he is running away from his
problems and not getting anywhere. He drops out of college at age twenty-one and
moves back in with his father. By age twenty-two, Robert is getting his Adderall on
the street and using cocaine almost daily. Robert is fired from three different jobs. He
is thinking about joining the army and really wants to clean up; he just doesn’t know
how.

Healing: When Is the Best Time?

The million-dollar question is “When should I start my recovery?” You may have asked
yourself this question many times. You may be in a cycle where there are days when you feel
low, angry, or guilty, and days when you feel okay. On the days when you feel low, angry, or
guilty, you may think to yourself, I should make a change here. Then that feeling fades, and you
seem to get through the next day. What if you decided that no matter how you are feeling,
you have enough information to make a change in your life? What if you decided that you
want something different for yourself? Taking charge of your mental and physical health
requires a commitment. It is the time to put yourself first.
In order to put yourself first in your recovery, take a look at the following “Wellness
Script.” The “Wellness Script” is something you read to yourself. You can even read it out
loud or record it into your phone. After you read it, give yourself the gift of five minutes of
silence.

EXERCISE 6.6 Wellness Script

Today, I will respect and nurture myself. I am of value. I give myself permission to be kind to
myself. I am loved and protected. It takes courage to take care of myself first. I am worth it.
Taking care of myself will allow me to show up for others. Taking care of myself will allow the
feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt to melt away. After the feelings of anger, resentment,
and hurt melt away, I am left with my true self. My true self requires attention and care. I have
the ability to give myself what I need. Today, I need kindness. Being kind to myself flows into
good mental and physical health. Good mental and physical health is available to me now.
I am deserving of good mental and physical health. I make a commitment to be well. I feel
the benefits of being well.
 Addiction   111

Conclusion
The worksheets and checklists in this chapter have given you a quick and honest way to label
your addictions. You may have checked more than one addictive substance and more than
one troubling behavior. Now you have the chance to nurture your recovery with healthy
coping. Stress and reactions to loss are common triggers for using alcohol or drugs and doing
other addictive behaviors. The work you have done in this chapter on addiction has been
very important on your recovery journey. You’ve now learned what an addiction really is and
explored your own behavior in more detail. You’ve also explored how you may have switched
from one addictive behavior to another. The time line of addiction was helpful in figuring out
how the addictive behavior developed. In the next chapter, you will put the puzzle pieces
together by connecting your losses to your addiction. We applaud you for being honest and
making thoughtful changes for your healthy recovery!
 CHAPTER 7

Connecting Addiction and Loss

Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage.

—Anaïs Nin

I n the last two chapters, you have explored the losses in your life and the path your addic-
tion has taken up to this point. You have shown courage in uncovering past losses and
identifying which of your behaviors are addictive. This isn’t easy! You are walking the road to
health and well-being. It’s a road that, unfortunately, many choose not to travel. Deciding to
recover from addiction takes courage. Following through with that decision means walking
through challenges, times of struggle, confusion, and pain. It means wanting a better life
more than you want to give up. It takes faith: faith in yourself and faith in the healing process.
And as you certainly know by now, it takes work!
In this chapter, you will do the important work of connecting the losses in your life to your
addictive behaviors (and vice versa). What makes this work so important? Well, for starters,
these connections have been there all along, whether you can see them or not. And they
have a lot more power over you when they stay hidden. Think of it this way: if you were bat-
tling an enemy, would you rather the enemy be in plain sight or planning a surprise attack?
When the connections between your losses and your addictions become clear, you will be
more than ready to confront them. But if they continue to stay hidden, they will keep bom-
barding and manipulating you, and driving your decisions.

The Loss-Addiction Cycle

The enemy you are battling is the loss-addiction cycle. The loss-addiction cycle is what happens
when loss propels your addiction, and your addiction leads to more loss. As you will learn in
this chapter, it’s the loss-addiction cycle that has been holding you captive. You picked up this
114   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

book and have worked so hard through the first six chapters because you don’t like the way
that cycle is running your life. It may seem like a clever, even unbeatable, opponent. But once
you know what it’s up to, once you know its moves, you can easily defeat it. It may always be
with you, but it will no longer be in charge. You will be making the decisions in your life.

How Does Loss Lead to Addiction?

Loss stirs up powerful emotions in a person’s life. After a loss, or the reminder of a loss,
you may feel angry, sad, helpless, depressed, frightened, irritable, lonely, or overwhelmed. As
you learned in part 1 of this workbook, your addictive behaviors are an attempt at emotion
dodging. Somewhere along the line, you learned that emotions were intolerable or unnatural.
You thought that you weren’t supposed to feel those feelings or that if you did feel them, you
should never show them or “dwell on” them. Maybe you came to believe that having feelings
meant you were weak or that if you let yourself feel your feelings, they would overwhelm you
and keep you from living your life. So, you set out to avoid feeling those feelings.
Not feeling your feelings can become a full-time job. It’s exhausting, draining, and doomed
to fail. But at some point, you found something that seemed to work: your addictive behavior.
It made you feel better. Or maybe it let you feel nothing at all.
Remember the “No Feeling” contract you read about in chapter 1? It’s as if you made an
agreement with your addictive behaviors. You agreed to let those behaviors take over your life
if it meant you could avoid the powerful emotions you did not want to feel. Back then, you
couldn’t really know all that you would be losing. You just wanted to feel good. But by now,
you have experienced the “fine print” of that “No Feeling” contract. Your addictive behaviors
have been stealing your life from you, piece by piece. That leads us to the next stage of the
loss-addiction cycle.

How Does Addiction Lead to Loss?

As you may already know very well from your own experience, addictions cause all kinds
of loss. When you do your addictive behaviors, you live in a way that promotes loss. Your
spouse or partner might leave you because of your addiction. You may lose contact with
parents, siblings, children, and friends. It might be your own choice to shut them out, or they
may walk away because they don’t want to watch you suffer in your addiction anymore.
You may lose your license due to DUI. You may even lose your freedom by ending up in
jail. If you are addicted to substances, sex, gambling, or shopping, you may spend enough
money to lose your car or your house. It’s likely that at some point, you have lost a job. If you
have surrounded yourself with people who abuse substances, you may have had many friends
 Connecting Addiction and Loss   115

die in the disease of addiction. And, when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol,
you are more vulnerable to harm. You could be physically or sexually assaulted, or raped. As
you learned in chapter 5, those traumas are very serious losses too.
When addiction has a hold on you, it’s often all you can think about. Nothing else
matters as much, so you let things slide out of your life as if they don’t matter: people, posses-
sions, your hopes for the future. Your health and safety get put on the back burner. Your own
values often get left by the wayside in your quest to relieve an addictive urge.
So, what do all these losses add up to? Stronger and stronger urges to use. As you learned
in chapter 5, loss compounds loss. It builds on itself. Each loss triggers the pain of an old loss,
and as the emotions pile up, emotion dodging becomes even more likely.
Of course, there’s another side to this story. It is often the case that loss itself triggers a
desire to recover. It may have been a loss, or the threat of a loss, that led you to pick up this
book and start changing your life. Loss may be your greatest motivator for facing your addic-
tion. If this is the case, it will still be incredibly important to address the loss itself. Motivation
is a key component of your journey, but that alone is not enough. If it were, you would have
stopped your addictive behaviors a long time ago. To experience true healing and long-term
recovery, you must address what’s underneath your addiction: loss and the emotions it brings
with it.

Keith’s Story Keith has struggled with meth addiction on and off for twenty
years. He first tried it in his early twenties, while he was still in the army; now he
has been out of the service for eight years and is using more than ever. He loves how
the meth makes him feel: as if nothing can touch him, as if he can never be hurt.
But he hates what meth is doing to his life: how he lies all the time and loses jobs,
how his kids stay away from him, how his wife is always depressed. Keith finds
himself angry at everyone and spends time only with the neighbor he uses with.
This isn’t the life he really wants, and Keith has managed to stop using meth and
get sober many times in the course of twenty years. At one point, he even got three
years of clean time. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he would find himself at his
neighbor’s house, using again. Life was so much better without the meth, and he had
been sober for so long! What could possibly make him go back?
Feeling hopeless and confused, Keith comes to therapy as a last resort. In therapy,
he constructs a time line that maps his addictive behavior. He looks especially at
times when his addiction grew stronger and at the relapses that left him feeling so
powerless. Keith also does the difficult work of identifying and beginning to heal the
losses in his life. Finally, he makes connections between his losses and his addiction.
He realizes for the first time that most of his relapses happened in early spring, the
116   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

same time of year that his grandmother, the one person he could count on as a child,
had died unexpectedly. It is also around this time of year that he finds himself
arguing more with his wife, accusing her of wanting to leave him.
Keith begins to see how the loss-addiction cycle dominates his life. He can see
how the loss of his grandmother brought up strong emotions that he has never
learned to cope with and how his fears of losing his wife propel him further into his
addiction and make it more likely that he will lose his wife after all.
Working hard in therapy, Keith begins to clearly see the ways the loss-addiction
cycle has been trying to take over his life. He learns new, positive coping skills and
begins to practice mindfulness. It’s a slow journey, but Keith devotes himself to his
new way of life and maintains long-term sobriety. More than that, he finds the peace
and serenity that will keep him clean and sober for years to come.

The Addiction-and-Loss Time Line

Like Keith, you can take control of your life by doing the work. To truly understand the loss-
addiction cycle and the ways it has been influencing you, you need to look back and see how
your losses and your addictions have been connected throughout your life. You can do this by
creating a detailed addiction-and-loss time line.

EXERCISE 7.1 Creating Your Addiction-and-Loss

Time Line
On the left side of a piece of paper, create a list called “Losses.” Write down your losses and
the approximate age at which each happened, starting with the earliest at the top. Write
down the age the loss occurred, as well as the date and season if you know them. If you can
only guess, that’s okay too! Just note as much information as you can. It may be helpful to
refer back to exercise 5.1, “Losses Checklist.” It’s up to you how many losses you include on
your time line, but it will be best to include at least the five main losses you noted in exercise
5.2, “Identifying Your Losses.”
On the right side of the page, make a list called “Events in My Addiction.” List the impor-
tant experiences in your addiction. Start with your first exposure at the top. Write down the
age that each event occurred and the date, if you know it. Just as you did for your losses,
do your best. It’s important to take a deep breath, trust the process, and move forward
 Connecting Addiction and Loss   117

with the exercise. For this activity, it will be helpful to look back at exercise 6.5, “Time Line
of Addictive Behavior.” Most of all, you are looking for times when you saw your addiction
intensify or when a relapse happened. (If you prefer, visit http://newharbinger.com/48107
to download this worksheet.)

Losses Events in My Addiction

118   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 7.2 Reflecting on Your Addiction-and-Loss

Time Line
In the space provided or in your journal, reflect on the addiction-and-loss time line you just
created. Use the following questions as a guide. Then add any other thoughts or ideas that
you have.

1. What loss experiences are connected to your first use, or the first time you engaged
in your addictive behavior?

2. What emotions were you trying to dodge when you initially began your addictive
behavior?

3. What losses happened as a result of your addictive behaviors?


 Connecting Addiction and Loss   119

4. Have you ever used a loss as motivation to stop or cut back on your addictive
behaviors? If so, how well did this work?

5. What patterns do you see in the times when your addictive behaviors got worse or
you had a relapse?

6. Other thoughts or ideas about your addiction and loss time line:

Loss Anniversaries
Now that you have done your addiction-and-loss time line and answered reflection questions,
you should have a good idea of how your losses and addictive behaviors are connected. The
next step is to find your loss anniversaries. Loss anniversaries are times of the year when you
are most likely to be reminded of a loss.
By doing your addiction-and-loss time line, you may see that you are more likely to do
your addictive behaviors at certain times. That’s because a loss anniversary brings up strong
emotions and grief that you have not yet dealt with. Rather than sit with those feelings, you
120   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

were drawn toward your most common emotion-dodging method: your addiction. One of the
most powerful things you can do to take control of your addictive behaviors is to note your
loss anniversaries. The rest of this chapter is about loss anniversaries and how to deal with
them.

Casey’s Story Casey did three tours in Iraq with the marines before getting out
of the military. In combat, he lost his best friend, Tommy. They had known each
other since boot camp and had been like brothers to each other, maybe closer than
brothers, with all they’d been through. Losing Tommy was hard, but Casey pushed
forward, trying to put it behind him and do the job he’d been sent to do.
A few months after getting back from his last tour, Casey finds himself having
problems with his wife. She says he is angrier than before, that he has a short fuse all
of a sudden, and that most nights he tosses and turns, and shouts in his sleep. Casey’s
wife complains that he never wants to go anywhere, but as much as Casey wants to
make her happy, crowds and loud noises are just too disturbing to him. Casey feels
uneasy most of the time, constantly checking on the baby and relocking all the doors.
Not knowing what to do with these feelings, he starts drinking. He finds himself
drinking a lot every day.
After a few months, Casey’s wife insists that he get some kind of treatment for his
anger and other symptoms. Casey begins receiving counseling at the VA and is
diagnosed with PTSD. He begins to understand the connections between his PTSD
and the changes his wife has seen in him. This helps, but it’s still so hard for him to
stop drinking. Casey feels that he has found in alcohol a solution to his stress and
anger, and he isn’t sure he wants to give it up. What if every day were nothing but
stress and misery? Eventually, with the courage and strength of a marine, Casey gives
sobriety a chance. He is willing to practice mindfulness skills to find balance and a
sense of well-being. He learns about the power of loss and begins a deeper healing
process of looking at not only Tommy’s death but also the early losses in his life.
One day, Casey comes in for treatment and shares that he’s had a particularly
tough week, with feelings of anger and irritability coming out of nowhere. “I’m telling
you, Doc,” Casey says, “I was mad at everyone: my wife, my neighbors, strangers on
the street. Even the baby seemed to be crying louder than usual, and it was driving
me nuts! I was a wreck. It didn’t take long before I got the idea in my head of
drinking again—you know, just a few beers to take some of the edge off. I felt like all
this anger and frustration had come out of nowhere; I started thinking maybe I’m just
 Connecting Addiction and Loss   121

a guy who needs alcohol, that without it, I’m just an angry jerk and I’d be better off
using again. I hate telling you this, but I actually went through my phone looking for
my drinking buddy’s number. But thank God I did, because you know what? I saw
the date. Doc, it was Tommy’s birthday! I hadn’t even remembered it! At least I didn’t
think so. But it all made sense when I realized it. Something in me was thinking
about Tommy, missing him. Hell, if he were still here, I would have flown him out
here for his birthday and to meet my kid. It was weird to think about that: he’ll never
meet my kid. It’s even weirder to think Tommy doesn’t really have birthdays
anymore.”

It would not have been surprising if Casey had given in to his urge to hide from his emo-
tions that day and relapse. Lucky for him, Casey had learned about loss anniversaries in treat-
ment. He was already aware of how they might creep up and try to ruin his recovery. Casey
won the battle that week because of this understanding.
Here are some examples of loss anniversaries:

• day of the loss event (accident, move, breakup, divorce, trauma, death of a loved one,
chronic illness diagnosis)

• birthdays (either your own or the person you lost)

• holidays (religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Year’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s
Day, Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, Valentine’s Day)

• notable dates in a relationship with someone you lost (the day you met, other special
times or memorable events in the relationship)

Preparing for Loss Anniversaries

In the case you just read about, Casey hadn’t prepared himself for the loss anniversary
because he didn’t realize it was coming. The result was a series of strong, troubling emotions
that seemed to come out of nowhere. Those emotions, and the thoughts that went with them,
nearly led Casey back to drinking. But once Casey made the connection and realized he was
dealing with a loss anniversary, he was able to step back and work through the true source of
those painful feelings: missing Tommy. This allowed Casey to grieve in a healthy way. Casey
moved through the emotions, instead of letting them overwhelm or control him by turning
back to emotion dodging and using alcohol.
122   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 7.3 The Loss Anniversary Calendar

The first step in getting ready for your loss anniversaries is figuring out when they are
coming. Using this calendar, write down any possible loss anniversaries that you may asso-
ciate with a particular month. Include specific dates when you can.

Jan Feb Mar

April May June

July Aug Sept

Oct Nov Dec

 Connecting Addiction and Loss   123

Next, mark down any loss anniversaries that you can connect to certain seasons, even if you
aren’t sure of the exact month.

Winter Spring

Summer Fall

Specific Triggers
Along with loss anniversaries, there are likely to be specific triggers that are unique to
your experience. Specific triggers are things that remind you of a loss from your life. Consider
the following examples.

Samuel’s Story Samuel was molested by a teacher who smelled very strongly of
aftershave. The scent of aftershave sometimes brings up powerful emotions in
Samuel even as an adult. After something like that happens, Samuel finds himself
watching pornography on the computer for hours and hours.

Patricia’s Story Patricia was in a bad car accident at nighttime. Sometimes,

when she is driving on the highway after dark, the headlights of the other cars
trigger fear or even panic in her. Patricia finds herself smoking marijuana or taking
extra Valium when she gets home after driving at night—or, worse, before she goes
out.

Enrique’s Story When he was only seven, Enrique saw his uncle die of a heart
attack. When his kids are playing in the living room one day and his son pretends
124   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

to fall suddenly to the ground, Enrique becomes enraged. He yells at the kids to go
to their rooms, and he spends the rest of the night drinking beer in the backyard.

Beth’s Story When Beth was five, her mother left her and her siblings with
their grandparents and did not come back for eight months. Beth finds herself
anxious and irritable whenever a friend or family member leaves for a vacation. She
often turns off her phone at these times and spends hours gambling online.

EXERCISE 7.4 Specific Triggers Worksheet

What are some specific triggers that might propel you toward your addictive behavior? They
can be sights, smells, sensations, sounds, or events. Being aware of your specific triggers
will give you even more strength in the battle against the loss-addiction cycle that has been
keeping you stuck. Use this worksheet to list any specific triggers you can think of. (If you
prefer, you can download the worksheet at www.newharbinger.com/48107.)

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 


 Connecting Addiction and Loss   125

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 

Specific trigger: 

Loss it relates to: 


126   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

It might seem a little nerve-racking to keep track of your loss anniversaries. Maybe you
don’t want a calendar full of reminders of that pain. You may be thinking, Is that really the
answer? Am I going to have to think about this stuff every second? Do I have to obsess about my
losses to recover from my addiction?
No, you won’t have to focus on your losses all the time in order to be prepared for a loss
anniversary or a specific trigger. As your healing continues, you will learn how to be aware of
when they are coming up without feeling as if you have to constantly stand watch.

Eliza’s Story Eliza comes to therapy after getting out of rehab. She abused
Xanax, a prescription antianxiety medication, and alcohol for many years.
“You know how, in the scary movies,” Eliza says, “they know the killer is
somewhere and is coming for them, and there’s all this tension in the air? Oh, I can’t
stand it! I get so edgy! That’s what it was like for me before: knowing something was
wrong but not knowing when it would come for me. I would have all these feelings
attack me out of nowhere. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me to understand
my loss anniversaries and specific triggers. The first time I was molested by my
grandfather was right around Christmas; sometimes even the smell of a gingerbread
cookie can bring me right back to that place. When I start to get really stressed or
moody, or feel really down, I can take a deep breath—or a hundred if I need them!—
and observe what’s going on for me. Better yet, I can prepare for my anniversaries, like
Christmas, and triggers, and do some extra self-care. I am so grateful not to feel like a
boat knocked around by a storm anymore. Understanding all of this has gotten me
back on solid ground.”

Conclusion
Let’s take a moment to review what you’ve done so far. In chapter 1 you began getting to
know your emotions. In chapter 2, you became an expert on your thoughts. In chapter 3, you
focused in on your behaviors and got a clear picture of what you value in your life. Chapter 4
introduced you to mindfulness, and you learned to observe your mind without judgment. In
chapters 5 and 6, you did the important work of identifying your losses and your addictive
behaviors. And in this chapter, you pinpointed your loss anniversaries and specific triggers
and found the connections between them and your addiction.
So, why all this work? Why all the exercises? What’s so important about bringing these
things to your awareness?
 Connecting Addiction and Loss   127

Awareness gives you strength! Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book (AA World Services
2002) calls alcohol “cunning, baffling, powerful” (58–59) and “a subtle foe” (85). It’s certainly
true that addiction can be a strong and clever enemy. Every exercise you have done so far,
every sentence in this book you have pondered, has been making your addiction clearer to
you. Those repeat-offender thoughts can’t manipulate you the way they used to; you know
their game. Your emotions can’t overwhelm you anymore; you know where they are coming
from and that you can tolerate them. You have placed your losses in the light, and you are
healing. And finally, your addiction doesn’t own you anymore. You are not helplessly caught
in its grasp the way you used to be. You know what addiction is doing to you, and you know
there’s a way out. Your awareness is giving you the strength you need to fight this battle and
win!
The next chapter is devoted to enhancing your mindfulness skills as they relate to healthy
grieving of past losses. You will continue learning new, effective coping skills to accept and
tolerate your emotions and experiences. Great job so far!
 CHAPTER 8

Mindful Grieving

We have to get quiet. We have to be still, and that’s harder and harder in this century.
—Jane Kenyon

I n the last chapter, you learned about the connection between loss and addiction. You had
a chance to reflect on your losses throughout your life—not always easy, but extremely
helpful in uncovering the connection between those losses and your addictive behaviors. You
might even have uncovered some surprising patterns. The connections you are making are
important in your journey to healing from your addiction. Congratulations for getting this
far!
In this chapter, you will delve a little more into mindfulness and acceptance. As you
release your losses, you will build a new foundation of calm. There will be a few exercises for
you to try. Of course, no chapter on mindfulness is complete without talking about resis-
tance. Feeling that you don’t want to change or don’t want to change right now is normal. You
will read about other people who start out resisting change, even the smallest change. Can
you spot the resistance in others? If you can spot the resistance in others, you’re well on your
way to being aware of it in yourself. The antidote to resistance is resilience. Your resilience is
that part of you that has made it through the rough times in life so far. We’ve all had rough
times, and we all have the ability to get through them. This chapter will help you spot and
build on your personal resilience. Let’s get started.

Caroline’s Story Caroline, a fifty-four-year-old account manager, sits on a

leather couch across the room from her therapist. “I doubt this will help. I don’t
really believe in therapy,” she says. It’s her very first session. Caroline has never been
in therapy before. She was referred by her doctor because she was in a serious car
accident two months ago. A truck ran into the back of her car, and her car’s air bags
deployed in her face. She was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. The air
130   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

bags had saved her but left her face with cuts. Those cuts are now scars. She is also
recovering from a sprained shoulder and two broken ribs, and has ongoing neck
pain.
She has not returned to work yet. She’s afraid to drive in traffic. When Caroline
drove to her doctor’s appointment last week, she had what she thought was a panic
attack in the car. She pulled over to a parking lot and waited for her anxious feelings
to go away.
Little things seem to bother her. Although her husband tries to be supportive, she
finds herself extremely irritated with him. This is odd, because they have been
happily married for twenty-five years.
Caroline tends to stay alone in her house during the day. She doesn’t return
phone calls from friends or her adult children. She feels angry and confused. Before
the crash, she was lively and outgoing. She drank socially with friends. Now she finds
herself looking forward to opening the wine bottle each day, usually at one o’clock in
the afternoon. She single-handedly drinks a whole bottle of wine every day, and she
hides the empty bottles from her husband. She doesn’t really care what he thinks
anyway but is tired of arguing with him. After their arguments, she takes a painkiller.
Her neck seems to ache more during these arguments. She renewed her prescription
for pain pills yesterday and wondered, How long will my doctor let me keep renewing
this prescription?
Caroline feels that the life she knew slipped away after the crash. She doesn’t
know who she is now or how to get back to her old self. She feels ashamed to talk
about the accident and how she quietly struggles every day. She leaves the therapy
session more agitated than when she walked in. Although she makes another
appointment for the next week, she is pretty sure she won’t show up for it. As
Caroline sits in her car in the parking lot, she thinks, Nothing works.
The next week, Caroline decides to return for her therapy appointment after all.
Even though she was upset after the last session, she decides to give counseling a
chance. Caroline knows that it took her months to get this out of touch with herself,
so it will take time for her to heal.

Coping After a Loss

Like Caroline, you may have experienced a significant loss in your life. For her, it was a
serious car accident that left her hurt, angry, and withdrawn. She felt that she had lost her
 Mindful Grieving   131

old self and was left with someone she didn’t recognize. And like Caroline, you may have used
alcohol or drugs to cope with confusing and unpleasant feelings, or just feeling like every-
thing is unfair.
Now is your chance to be an observer. Take a few minutes to answer the following ques-
tions about Caroline. Remember, the more you can notice about how others cope with loss,
the better able you will be to reflect on your own ways of coping.

EXERCISE 8.1 Being an Observer

List some of the things Caroline lost after the car accident:

List some of the things Caroline does to cope:


132   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

List some things you think might help Caroline cope better:

List some things you have done to cope with your own losses:

Very good. Now that you can see how Caroline experiences loss and struggles to cope,
you’ll be better able to see this in yourself.

Grieving the Loss

You may have heard of the five stages of grief. These were first named by Elisabeth Kübler-
Ross (2014), a psychiatrist who studied death and dying. As you know from exploring your
own losses, death is not the only event that is felt as a loss. The following stages can be part
of your grieving process for any loss. Your mindful grieving will include becoming aware of
these stages so you know when you are in one!

Denial. You might try to dismiss your loss. “It wasn’t that big of a deal” or “Things like that
happen all the time.” You might decide it doesn’t count as a loss because “it’s not like anybody
died.” You might also continue to resist the loss, by imagining it’s not really happening. Trisha
 Mindful Grieving   133

says, “For two years after my divorce, I honestly assumed we would get back together. When
my ex-husband remarried, I was in a state of shock.”

Anger. You might find yourself angry at someone you blame for your loss, or angry at God, or
angry at the whole world. Cory says, “Everyone I knew was drinking more than I was, and I’m
the one who got the bad liver? There’s no justice in this world.”

Bargaining. This is another way of resisting your loss. You think there is a way to avoid the
loss. Joe says, “When I got diagnosed with lung cancer, I swore I would never smoke again.
For a while, I thought my quitting would somehow get me out of chemo.” Gwen says, “After
my dad moved out when I was six, I would draw pictures for him constantly because he always
loved my art. I guess I thought if I was good enough, he would come home.”

Depression. You might find yourself feeling down, exhausted, unmotivated, and unable to
enjoy the things you used to. There is a huge, heavy sadness left by your loss. Brianna says,
“After I lost my license with the second DUI, I didn’t even want to get out of bed or take a
shower. I just kept thinking what a loser I was and how I was never going to get out of this
hole.”

Acceptance. As you have been learning (and will learn more about soon), acceptance is a
powerful practice. In this stage, you acknowledge the loss and everything it has meant for
you. You embrace all of your feelings and release resistance. This is the peaceful foundation
from where you move forward. Dashon says, “When I stopped complaining about losing my
job, and stopped blaming the boss, and just accepted that this was where I was at—that’s
when I started feeling like I could move on.”

An important thing to remember is that the stages of grief do not go in order. It would be
nice if they were that predictable, but they’re not! You might find yourself angry one day,
depressed for a week, then back to denial. As you observe these experiences in recovery,
instead of “emotion dodging,” they become less intense over time. Healing is happening. It
will also be helpful to use the following mindfulness exercises to cope with each stage as it
arises.

EXERCISE 8.2 What Your Stages Look Like

As you get to know yourself in recovery, it will be powerful to know how you tend to experi-
ence the stages of grief. In the space below, write down all the ways you have felt, acted,
or thought when grieving a loss. You might choose one loss to explore, or look at many
134   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

losses to uncover patterns. (If you want to explore several losses, make photocopies of the
worksheet first, or visit http://www.newharbinger.com/48107 to download the worksheet.)
See Cecilia’s worksheet below as an example.

Cecilia’s Example

Denial: When I lost my cat, I put up posters for months, even though my neighbor said
she had seen her going down into the canyon where we have coyotes. When my boyfriend
broke up with me, I kept calling him and asking him to hang out.

Anger: Sometimes when I missed my cat, I would be irritable and rude to strangers.
I cursed at a friend on the phone who said I should get over my boyfriend. I sent him
angry texts, especially if I was drinking.

Bargaining: When I was a kid, I tried to convince my parents not to move to a new town;
I promised to stop getting into trouble and get good grades. With my ex-boyfriend, I
thought if I lost weight and acted sexier, he would change his mind.

Depression: After we moved to a new town, I skipped school a lot and stayed in my room
sleeping; I wouldn’t eat. After I lost my cat, I slept a lot of the day and drank even more
than before.

Acceptance: After a couple months, I buried some of my cat’s favorite toys and wrote
a poem for her. I got a new cat that I love so much! I erased my ex-boyfriend’s number,
and I can see now that he wasn’t good for me anyway. We partied so much together; it
would have felt impossible to recover while I was with him.

Your Responses

Denial: 


 Mindful Grieving   135

Anger: 

Bargaining: 

Depression: 

Acceptance: 


136   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 8.3 Denial: Acknowledging Your Loss

Take a moment to look back at the “Losses Checklist” in chapter 5 (see exercise 5.1). Is the
experience you are going through on that list? If so, it will be helpful to acknowledge to
yourself that what you’re going through is considered a loss. You can also ask yourself the
following questions:

Am I saying good-bye to something?

Is something leaving my life? Am I leaving anything behind?

Have I been downplaying this loss, with thoughts like it’s no big deal?

Now, repeat this affirmation: I acknowledge this loss, and all that it means for me.

Repeat that phrase as many times as you need to, and observe what happens as you do.
You might notice that feelings and physical sensations arise in your body as you acknowl-
 Mindful Grieving   137

edge your loss. Bring your mindful attention to these and breathe deeply. Take notes on
what you noticed below.

EXERCISE 8.4 Anger: Calming Color Meditation

Find a quiet space to sit comfortably. Turn off your phone or anything else that might disturb
you. Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply, feeling your belly rise and fall with each
breath. Notice as the muscles of your face relax, your forehead muscles loosen and relax,
and now the muscles around your eyes relax. Relaxation spreads down to your jaw. Feel
your jaw fall open slightly as you continue to relax.
As you melt further into relaxation, imagine the color RED—vibrant red, bright red, like
a fire truck or a deep red rose. Red fills your mind’s eye now as you focus entirely on the
color red.
Continuing to breathe deeply, watch the color shift gently, the red turning now to
ORANGE—vibrant orange, beautiful orange, like the peel of an orange, the color of the
sun as it sets. Filling your vision now with bright and wondrous orange.
Watching now as the orange shifts to YELLOW—yellow flooding your vision now, bright
and shining yellow, yellow as the sun. Allow yellow to fill your vision now, bringing all your
attention to that bright, vibrant, glowing yellow that you see.
Observing your mind’s eye now as the yellow fades to GREEN—green as a field of
freshly cut grass, glowing green, beautiful green. Filling your vision with green now, green
as far as the eye can see. Taking your time to enjoy the color green.
Breathing easily as the color shifts again, becoming a beautiful, captivating shade of
BLUE—blue filling your field of vision, waves and waves of soothing blue. All of your focus
now on the color blue. Relaxing into the blue like stepping into a warm tub of water. Melting
softly into the beautiful blue.
Watching now as the blue turns into LAVENDER—the soothing, softest purple color,
gentle lavender. Let the color of lavender fill the scene now, like a field of lavender that
stretches to the horizon, a color so rich you can almost smell it now. Breathing in deeply as
138   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

you bask in the color lavender. Feeling the lavender relax you deeply, leaving you refreshed
and deeply at ease. Take your time now to enjoy the color lavender.
When you are finished, continue to breathe easily and open your eyes. Carry with you
the calm you have found through your color meditation.

EXERCISE 8.5 Bargaining: Releasing Control

Bargaining is really an attempt to control your loss. You can keep yourself pretty stuck by
trying to manipulate situations that are out of your control. Repeat the following phrases to
yourself regularly, especially when you find yourself resisting what is true.

• I cannot control what others do.

• I cannot control what others say.

• I cannot control what others think.

• I cannot control all that happens in life. I make my best choices, and let go of the
rest.

EXERCISE 8.6 Depression: One Step at a Time

You will also learn more about depression and other mental health concerns in chapter 11
(Mental Health). As you might have noticed in Cecilia’s example above, depression after a
loss can mean less energy, changes in sleep and appetite, and lowered interest in activities
you used to enjoy. Depression is a bit like having a dark cloud over you all the time. You
cannot see the light or feel the warmth of the sun. It is important to make any small effort
you can to get out from under the cloud. Schedule activities and time with other people,
even though you don’t feel like it. Get outside in the fresh air and sunlight, even if you only
make it as far as your front stoop. If you feel overwhelmed, focus only on finishing one task.
That could mean folding some laundry, taking a short walk around the block, or returning a
phone call. Every small step you take will loosen depression’s grip on your life. Give yourself
credit for making the effort!
Each day, make a commitment to yourself to take a step out of depression. Write your
commitment on paper, text it to a loved one, email it to yourself, or think of other ways to
put your commitment into words.

I commit to this one step out of depression today: 

 Mindful Grieving   139

EXERCISE 8.7 Acceptance: From Resistance

to Letting Go
Find a peaceful place to sit comfortably without being interrupted. Focus your eyes on a
spot on the ceiling, turning your gaze gently upward and holding your focus as you take
three slow, deep breaths. At the end of the third breath, allow your eyes to close and rest.
Feel relaxation spread around your eyes, down through your face, down further to your
neck. Feel your shoulders fall and the muscles of your neck relax.
Now it is time to visualize resistance. Imagine yourself in a state of resistance. Allow an
image of resistance to form for you. Perhaps you are in a tug-of-war, pulling hard on a rope
that just won’t budge. Maybe you have discovered a large brick wall blocking your path,
and you are pushing against that wall with all your might. Feel the tension in your body as
you resist. Notice the energy that this drains from you, the way that your heart pounds and
your head begins to ache.
Now, imagine yourself letting go. Drop the rope if you’ve been pulling on it. Find a path
that leads around the wall. Whatever you were resisting, you have dropped it. Let go. Feel
the tension leave your body and all your muscles relax. Feel energy return to your body
as your breath becomes easy again. You have released resistance and are free to move
forward on your path now. Any obstacles have fallen away. See your path in front of you,
wide open. You are free to walk easily now.
Close this exercise with three more deep breaths, with each breath energizing you more
and more. Open your eyes and feel the joy of letting go.

Finding the Gifts in Your Loss

The next stage of grieving is often overlooked. Many people notice that after they have
moved through the many stages of grief and found acceptance, they come to a wonderful,
peaceful state we call “finding meaning.” They can see their loss as part of a bigger whole.
They can even see unexpected gifts in their experience of loss.

Shawn’s Story Shawn was addicted to opiates. He and his best friend, Paul,
started with pain pills in high school and moved on to shooting heroin in their
twenties. Shawn was there when Paul overdosed and died. Afraid to be arrested,
Shawn ran from the scene and called 911 after he’d left. He lied to Paul’s girlfriend,
Sherry, about having been there, ashamed that he couldn’t help. Months later,
Sherry found out he had witnessed Paul’s death and posted the news on social
140   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

media in a rage. “I had never dealt with Paul’s death at all,” Shawn says. “I just
blamed the dealer and continued to use and use. Then I lost Sherry, my last
connection to my best friend. When everyone knew about my using, that was a loss
of my image, of feeling like I could still present myself as put together in front of
some people. I was really broken up and bitter about it all. But as I look back, every
loss got me closer to recovery. Paul and I had big plans for the future. Now that I’m
clean, I try to live every day as his legacy. I’ve been playing basketball with his
nephew a lot. I try to help Sherry with her bills. I’m going to school. To me, the
losses mean ‘no more wasting time’ and that nothing is worth going back to that
life.”

What if you could not only accept but also embrace the painful parts of your experience?
What if those parts could be wrapped up as a gift and given back to you?

EXERCISE 8.8 Unwrapping Your Feelings

Next, let’s spend some time unwrapping the feelings that are sure to come with recovery
from addiction. We will be focusing on confusion, hurt, and anger because these feelings
are under the surface of your grief and loss in your recovery.

Here is the gift of confusion. What can I learn about myself from this gift of confusion?

Here is the gift of feeling hurt. What can I learn about myself from this gift of feeling hurt?


 Mindful Grieving   141

Here is the gift of anger. What can I learn about myself from this gift of anger?

What do you notice? Are the feelings getting bigger or smaller? Are the feelings easier or
harder to manage? How does it feel to not struggle against your own feelings? Are you able to
take a few deep breaths here? You may notice a little compassion for yourself. A little kindness
goes a long way. Ever notice that you’re nice to everyone except yourself? Well, this next
exercise turns the tables by getting you closer to deep acceptance through the practice of
giving yourself the gift of your emotional world. Are you ready to give this a try?

EXERCISE 8.9 The Gift to Yourself

Take a few minutes to reflect on a loss that you have resisted in the past. Perhaps this situ-
ation has even led you to destructive or addictive behaviors.

1. Write down the loss: 

2. Now jot down difficult feelings that arose from the loss:

3. Next, complete the following sentences using your list of feelings from step 2:

I give myself the gift of    

. From it, I have
learned


142   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

I give myself the gift of    

. From it, I have
learned

I give myself the gift of    

. From it, I have
learned

4. Gift Visualization: Now that you have your feelings listed, it’s time to use visualization
to bring home the message. Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet firmly on the floor.
Close your eyes.

Visualize a wonderfully wrapped gift. Someone must really know you. The gift is
wrapped in paper that brings a smile to your face. Go ahead and smile if you’d like.
Take the gift with both hands and put it in front of you. Quietly say thank you for the
gift. With your eyes still closed, begin to open the gift, slowly removing the wrapping
paper. Open the lid. Look inside. What do you see? It’s your feelings. Now, instead
of throwing your feelings away or reacting to them, just have them. That’s it. They
are yours. Accept them. With your eyes closed, say thank you—thank you for all
these complicated and amazing feelings.

Peace after loss is possible through accepting and embracing what you have learned from
the experience. Your painful feelings have caused you to grow. They have allowed you to see
how much you can handle. No one can take those gifts away from you. You are more resilient
than you may have ever realized!

Conclusion
In this chapter, you had the opportunity to learn about mindful grieving. You’ve made great
strides in calming your mind and accepting all parts of your journey. You’ve added kindness
and compassion for yourself along the way. It hasn’t always been easy. Change usually isn’t. In
the next chapter, you will have the opportunity to share some of your changes with those who
are close to you.
 PART 3

Moving Forward
 CHAPTER 9

Relationships

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness
embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.
——Thich Nhat Hanh

T he disease of addiction ruins relationships. Secrecy, lies, mood swings, anger, and obses-
sion over your addiction all put a strain on intimacy. As you learned in chapter 7 with
the loss-addiction cycle, a life with addictive behaviors is prone to loss—most of all, the loss
of relationships.
This chapter is about forming, strengthening, and rebuilding the important relationships
in your life. You have been walking a path to recovery with every page of this workbook,
heading toward a brighter and more beautiful life. That life does not exist in isolation! It’s full
of healthy, happy relationships that you can be proud of. You are ready to start this next
stretch of your journey: healing your social world.
Along with all of the gifts that recovery brings—gifts like greater peace of mind, a health-
ier body, and a sense of control and stability in your life—there are also challenges. One of
these challenges is coming to terms with the problems in your relationships. Some of these
problems may have been hidden by the fog of your addicted life. Now they are taking shape
and becoming visible. Seeing your relationship problems so clearly in front of you can be
painful. But remember, these problems do not have to remain exactly as they are at this
moment. You have the opportunity to heal them.
146   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 9.1 List of Common Social Problems

Here are some of the common social problems you may be experiencing in recovery. Check
the box of each one that you are experiencing.

All of your friends and acquaintances engage in the addictive behavior you are
trying to heal from. Being around them is not supportive of your recovery, but
staying away from them would feel lonely.

You don’t feel comfortable in social settings without engaging in your addictive
behavior. You feel shy, awkward, and seriously out of place. At times, you wonder
whether you will even be able to have a social life in recovery.

Now that your head is clearing and you are more aware of what’s going on in your
life, you notice that your personal relationships aren’t great. They may be unbal-
anced (one person relying more on the other), unhealthy, or even unsafe. You may
find that what seemed like real intimacy was an illusion created by your addiction.
You may find that there is no one really close to you, and you may experience the
incredible loneliness that addiction has created in your life.

Everyone is mad at you. You may have important, close relationships in your life,
but they are horribly strained. You hurt people while you were in your addiction, and
now that you are recovering, there’s a lot of fallout to deal with.

No one trusts you. Employers, friends, and family have all come to question whether
you are being honest. Suddenly you are in the position of having to prove yourself
to others. It feels shaming at times and frustrating to be distrusted.

You have become completely isolated in your addiction. Now that you are begin-
ning to recover, you have no social support whatsoever.

Any one or several of these situations are likely to come up in the early part of your
recovery. This chapter will lead you through the solutions to each of these problematic situa-
tions. Recovery from your addictive behaviors can bring you to the most satisfying relation-
ships you have ever known. As always, it will take action!
Take a look at the problems that you just circled. For each problem, there’s a section
of this chapter that will teach you how to solve it. While every section is valuable, you may
want to focus on the ones that apply to you the most.
No matter what problem or problems you are dealing with, we suggest that you read
the first section, “Basic Communication Skills.” Everyone who wants to have great relation-
ships should learn these basic skills. Your next step is to proceed to the sections that apply
most to you. Remember, the more effort you put into completing the exercises and reflecting
on the ideas in these sections, the better your results.
 Relationships   147

Basic Communication Skills

No matter what may be troubling you about your social world, mastering the basics is a must.
It truly does make a difference how you say what you say. With time and practice, these basic
communication skills will help you in all of your relationships.

“I” Statements
One of the best things you can master in basic communication is using “I” statements.
Phrasing your communications in this way decreases the odds that the other person will
become defensive. Less defensiveness in your communication leads you to the outcomes you
want. Although it will take practice to get the hang of this, the formula is very simple:

I feel/felt    (an emotion word; review table 1.1, “List of

Common Emotions,” for help with this) when you 
(the other person’s specific behavior), because 
(explain what probably causes you to feel this way, without placing blame).

Example A: “I feel hurt when you don’t show up on time for dinner, because it’s important
to me that we have that time together.”

Example B: “I felt frustrated when you forgot the directions and we got lost, because I was
counting on our having an easy drive and instead, we got into a fight.”
148   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 9.2 Practicing “I” Statements

Rephrase these comments as “I” statements:

“You never do the dishes.”

“You make me so crazy; you’re always late!”

“You didn’t stick up for me when Joe was picking on me. You obviously don’t care.”

“You drive too fast; it’s ridiculous!”

“You always want me to visit you. Why can’t you visit me for a change?”

Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in
that way, instead of with accusations or blame?


 Relationships   149

Speaking with Softer Emotions

In chapter 1, you began the hard work of getting to know your emotions. The exercises in
that chapter helped you figure out what you were really feeling. Now you are ready to go a step
further: figuring out which softer emotions lie under the surface.
Sue Johnson (2008), author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,
created the most successful form of couples’ therapy to date: emotionally focused therapy (EFT).
EFT strengthens the bonds of relationships in many ways, but one of its key aspects is helping
partners step out from behind their “harder” emotions, such as anger, and instead communi-
cate with each other about their softer emotions, such as hurt. As you may have noticed in
your own life, anger puts others on the defensive and drives them farther away, but expressing
hurt and other soft emotions draws people closer to you. Think about your own responses to
these statements:

• “I am so angry with you!”

• “I feel really sad about what’s happening with us right now.”

Which statement would be easier to hear? Which would cause you to put your guard up,
and which would allow you to keep an open mind and go on listening? Chances are, the
second statement is more likely to leave you open to communication and closeness.
Next is a list of hard and soft emotions. If you are honest with yourself, you will see that
beneath your hard emotions are softer ones. You may think you are just plain angry, but
somewhere in there, you will find fear, embarrassment, or hurt.
150   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Hard Emotions Soft Emotions

anger embarrassment

annoyance fear

bitterness heartache

defensiveness hurt

envy inadequacy

frustration insecurity

hostility rejection

irritation sadness

jealousy shame

rage vulnerability

Talking to someone you care about and sharing your feelings of inadequacy, shame, or
hurt and rejection makes a world of difference in your relationships.

• Inadequacy: “Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not good enough for you. I get jealous because
I’m scared you will leave.”

• Shame: “I know I raise my voice when we talk about things I did when I was using.
The truth is that I just feel so ashamed sometimes and don’t know how to fix things.”

• Hurt and rejection: “I miss you when you go out with your friends instead of me; I start
thinking that you don’t like spending time with me, and it makes me really lonely.”

There’s no doubt that this is a hard thing to do at times! You probably feel much safer
storming out of the room, giving the silent treatment, avoiding the person, or even yelling at
the top of your lungs than you do speaking from the heart. It’s scary to put yourself out there.
You may not be sure what response you will get, and what if it hurts even more? But this is
your choice.
Having true intimacy requires risk. Stepping out of your comfort zone will create the
space for better, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. Remember your values exercises
in chapter 3? You figured out what you value most in the world. Isn’t it worth tolerating the
difficult emotions that come up while you pursue those things that you value so much? Take
 Relationships   151

some deep breaths, practice your mindfulness exercises, and walk through the fear that tries
to stop you from reaching out. There is so much to gain!
If you find that this type of communication is particularly hard for you, it would be a good
idea to see an EFT-trained therapist for counseling. Psychologytoday.com and goodtherapy.
org are excellent places to begin your therapist search; you can even search specifically for
therapists who use EFT, as well as those who accept your insurance or offer lower fees.

Listening Matters
You may get very skilled at expressing yourself, but that’s only half the conversation! To
have healthy communication in your personal relationships, you must learn how to listen.
Listening does not mean picking out bits and pieces of what others are saying and formu-
lating your counterargument while they talk! Your job as a listener is to do your very best to
understand where others are coming from and what they are feeling. Your job is not to inter-
pret or jump to conclusions, but to truly hear what the person is saying. A great way to prac-
tice this is to summarize what you heard and repeat it back to the person who has been
talking to you. This lets that person know that you were listening. The next step is to validate
and support the person, and then to ask follow-up questions to let the person know that you
care. It sounds like this:

The other person: I think they overcharged me for my oil change this morning. I can’t
believe it! I hate getting ripped off. It’s so frustrating. Just when you
think you can trust someone! And now I don’t know if I should go back
and confront them. I’ll feel so awful if I’m wrong. Ugh!

You: 
So, you think they might have overcharged you, and you really trusted
them [letting the other person know that you heard what he said by
briefly summarizing]. That would upset me, too [validating]. But you’re
not 100 percent sure [summarizing again]; that’s definitely a tough one
[validating]! What do you think you’ll do [follow-up question to show
interest and concern]?

As you can see, your role in this conversation was that of a supportive and attentive lis-
tener. You did not switch the conversation to your own life, blow off how the other person was
feeling, or jump in to offer a solution too quickly (which can feel like a blow-off too). The
person speaking to you likely felt heard, validated, and cared about. That’s the basis of a
happy and healthy relationship.
152   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 9.3 Practicing Your Listening Skills

Use this worksheet to practice being a great listener. Focus on summarizing, validating, and
asking a follow-up question. Use the previous example as a guide.

The other person: “My boss is such an incredible jerk! I really hate that guy. You will
never believe what he did today. He called me into his office and told
me they might have to cut back my hours again. I’m already hardly
making ends meet! Why don’t they just fire me once and for all? I am
really starting to feel like things aren’t going to turn around for me at
this job. But what if I can’t find another one?”

You: 

The other person: “I got the nicest present for my mom today. It’s a necklace with her
birthstone in it—well, an imitation one, anyway. I hope she likes it. You
know, she went in for some testing last week, and we still don’t have
the results. I guess once you’ve made it to eighty-three, they test you for
everything under the sun, but I still would like to know. I hate that we
live so far apart.”

You: 

The other person: “Jeff’s coming back from deployment in a month! I’m so excited. I think
my sister can watch the kids for a while in August, so we can even take
a trip, just the two of us. It’s been forever since we did that, not since
our honeymoon! I hope he will want to go. I know, at first, he will just
want to be home for a while, and I get that. I just really need some
time away myself. And I love the idea of it just being him and me for a
few days!”

You: 


 Relationships   153

Now that you are more skilled at listening, summarizing, validating, and following up, begin
to practice this in your day-to-day life. Experiment with it. Watch what happens when you
respond this way to others. Chances are you will get a reputation for being a very good listener!

How All-or-Nothing Thinking Threatens Relationships

Here are some more important ideas to help you with basic communication and relation-
ship skills. Really reflect on the information in the next few paragraphs to guide you away
from the power struggles in relationships that make healthy communication impossible.
Remember a long way back in your journey, when you learned how your mind plays tricks
on you? In chapter 2, you got the chance to consider your repeat-offender thoughts. These
thoughts are unrealistic and skewed, because they were formed in your childhood and then
got locked into place. Recall that as a child, you saw the world very simply: you put every-
thing into categories and labeled those categories to help you understand what would have
otherwise been an overwhelmingly big and scary world. You saw things as either good or bad,
with little room in between. Your ideas about relationships are a lot like those repeat-offender
thoughts. They may be simplistic and inaccurate. You may think the only options you have
in a relationship are to either be the one in charge or the victim, either the bully or the
bullied, either the commander or the doormat. Your ability to relate successfully with others
is severely limited if you are looking at your relationships in terms of these black-and-white
categories:

• powerful vs. powerless

• strong vs. weak

• good vs. bad

• right vs. wrong

This all-or-nothing, good guy–bad guy view of relationships is not helpful to you. If you are
breaking down your relationships in this way, your only choices are to be better or less than the
other person. Feeling “less than” the other person lowers your self-esteem and leaves you open
to being taken advantage of. You don’t get to be your best self, to feel strong, confident, and
valuable. You will either live with this feeling (likely becoming increasingly depressed and at risk
of doing your addictive behaviors), or get burned out and exit the situation, feeling that the only
way to get your self-esteem back is to banish the relationship from your life completely.
Meanwhile, feeling “better than” the other person gives you an inflated sense of yourself
and can cause you to be arrogant, domineering, and generally not someone others want to be
154   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

close to. You may become controlling and bossy, and you keep yourself from any chance to
learn from others. Either way, you are not on solid ground. One person is up; one person is
down. It’s not an even playing field, and quite simply, you and the person you are relating to
will never be able to see eye to eye.
To have true intimacy with others, you need to find that even ground. In a healthy
friendship, family, or love relationship, there is give and take. There is balance. You move
away from all-or-nothing and make room for moving closer to the middle. Instead of a right
person and a wrong person, there is “Okay, I don’t agree with you. But I can see where you’re
coming from.” That’s the kind of communication that keeps relationships running steady!

Rising Above the Outcome

Imagine the moment. You have done all the reading, all the worksheets. You have prac-
ticed time and time again. You have put all your energy into becoming a master communica-
tor. And here it is: your moment. You hear yourself doing it beautifully. You are assertive, clear,
and fair. Your tone is gentle but firm, you are taking responsibility for your own part in the
situation without self-­criticizing, and you are setting boundaries like a pro. You’re doing
it—communicating!
But, strangely enough, the person you are talking to does not burst into applause. He
doesn’t even thank you for being so clear and direct. In fact, he is still ranting and rambling
as if you hadn’t come in to save the day—and the conversation—from utter devastation. He
is not using “I” statements; he is playing the blame game; he is tossing out anger and criticism
like arrows going toward a target. What the heck is going on? The truth is that no matter
how beautifully you master these skills, there are no guarantees that you will get the results
you are looking for.
There is a whole other person in this situation: a person with wants, needs, expectations,
wounds, and worries of his own. He is battling his own demons, trying to make sense of his
own problems. Something is happening inside of him that is as complicated and complex as
the thoughts, feelings, and experiences that unfold inside of you. You may have managed to
pull through the chaos of all of that and communicate with all the calm and poise a human
being could ever muster. But all the communication skills in the world cannot predict a
perfect outcome, for the simple reason that people are unpredictable.
So, what do you do when the outcome is a huge disappointment, when you’re doing
things right and it’s turning out all wrong?
Detaching from the outcome of a situation, detaching from someone else’s emotional
chaos, is quite possibly the hardest thing you will ever learn. It’s nearly impossible to calmly
 Relationships   155

step away from the drama of life and observe it. Drama has a real knack for sucking you right
in. This is one of the most tremendous changes you can experience through a devotion to
mindfulness practice! You can learn how not to get sucked in. You can learn to mindfully
watch the other person’s response to you, bringing curiosity and understanding instead of
judgment. You can learn that it really isn’t about you. What is about you is the work that you
are doing and the fact that you put your new skills into practice. You will be building your
mindfulness skills even further in chapter 10. No matter what the outcome, you can be proud
of your own behavior. The outcome is nothing compared to that!

Identifying Unhealthy Relationships

This next section is designed to help you take a closer look at the relationships in your life
and decide whether they are helping or harming you. You will then have the chance to reflect
on the best course of action: whether to work on rebuilding these relationships or to walk
away.
Begin by considering the following list. Each category lists the qualities of a healthy,
unhealthy, or unsafe relationship. In the extra space provided, add any other qualities you
believe should be included in each of the three kinds of relationships.
156   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 9.4 Qualities of Relationships

Take a look at the following qualities of relationships. Add any other qualities that you have
found in healthy, unhealthy, or unsafe relationships.

Healthy

I offer support and feel supported in return.

I trust and am trusted in return.

I feel that I can be myself.

I like who I am in the relationship.

Conflict, arguments, and tension are resolved in a way that feels satisfying to me and
the other person.

There is compromise.

I am free to spend time with others if I choose to.

I can make my own decisions about my life.

Each person’s opinion is respected, even if we don’t agree.

This person is supportive of my recovery from addiction and loss.

I feel safe, cared for, and loved.

Other healthy qualities: 


 Relationships   157

Unhealthy

I am frequently judged or criticized.

I often find myself watching what I say or do.

Even when we are together, I feel very much alone.

I look to the other person to make all of the decisions.

I’m not sure how I feel about things anymore, because the other person has so much influ-
ence over my opinions.

I make all the decisions because I feel that the other person is incapable.

I feel burdened and exhausted from being in charge in the relationship all the time.

I feel a lot of distance in the relationship; it doesn’t feel like real closeness or intimacy.

I get attacked or feel guilty for spending time with other people.

I feel that we have nothing in common besides addictive behavior.

I am constantly beating myself up for mistakes I have made in the relationship; I never
quite feel good enough.

Arguments become vengeful or cruel; conflict level is high, and it’s very difficult to get
things resolved in a way that feels okay for me.

I don’t feel that I can be myself in this relationship.

This person does not support my recovery from addiction even after I have explained how
important it is to me and why.

This person doesn’t support my healing from loss.

Other unhealthy qualities: 


158   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Unsafe

I no longer have control over or access to finances.

I feel belittled, powerless, or afraid.

I am called names or told that I am worthless.

I have become highly isolated; this person does not like me to have contact with others,
including my family.

The other person is in control in several aspects of the relationship.

I have been pushed, slapped, grabbed, hit, kicked, punched, choked, sexually violated,
or otherwise harmed by this person.

I am afraid to end this relationship and afraid to ask for help from others.

The other person has hurt someone or something close to me.

Other unsafe qualities: 

If you can relate to some or all of the qualities in the “Unsafe” part of that list, you may
be in an abusive relationship. You are not alone! Whether or not there has been violence,
a relationship is unsafe for you if you are being controlled, belittled, or isolated from your
support system. Please do not put yourself in danger by taking action without first making
sure that you are safe! Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE
(7233) or visit www.thehotline.org. There is help available for you!
 Relationships   159

EXERCISE 9.5 Identifying Your Healthy and

Unhealthy Relationships
Now that you understand the qualities of relationships better, do this worksheet. Think of
three important relationships in your life. For each relationship, think about the categories
you read about in the list above, and decide whether each relationship is healthy, unhealthy,
or unsafe based on that information. Some relationships may have qualities from more
than one category, so it’s up to you to decide which category describes this relationship the
best. If it’s very hard to decide and you feel that the relationship is right on the borderline,
you may list a relationship as “healthy/unhealthy.”
It would be wise to copy this worksheet before using it (or download it at http://newhar
binger.com/48107) so you can redo the exercise with other relationships in the future.

Relationship 1 (name of person): 

Category (healthy, unhealthy, unsafe): 

Reasoning (list some information from the qualities list): 



Relationship 2 (name of person): 

Category (healthy, unhealthy, unsafe): 

Reasoning (list some information from the qualities list): 



Relationship 3 (name of person): 

Category (healthy, unhealthy, unsafe): 

Reasoning (list some information from the qualities list): 




160   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

What Next?
If a relationship is unhealthy, do you have to get rid of it? You may not need to. Some of
the qualities listed in the “unhealthy” relationship category could be a natural result of your
addictive behaviors. For example, you may be feeling a lot of distance in a relationship right
now. Addiction is great at creating conflict and ruining intimacy! It’s also great at taking
away your ability to make the best choices, so the important people in your life may have
taken over more control. This leaves your relationship out of balance, and may leave you
feeling as if the other person does not respect or value you. In many cases, this type of rela-
tionship can be healed. Read the next major section of this chapter, “Healing Broken
Relationships,” and think about whether a strained relationship has the chance to become
healthy with some work.

Walking Away
There may be some relationships in your life that are a threat to your recovery and well-
being. Some of the people in your life may seek to undermine the work you are doing. They
may not want you to stop engaging in your addictive behaviors for their own selfish reasons.
If you feel that a relationship is harmful to you and your recovery, and that it’s unlikely to
change, it may be time to walk away. Choose your health, wellness, and joy. You deserve good
things, and no one has the right to take those good things away from you.
Ending a relationship is never easy, even if that’s the right thing to do. Walking away from
certain people may be a part of walking toward a better life. It’s a wonderful journey, but it
still means leaving a relationship behind. This is a loss. You are going to experience a lot of
emotions in response to this loss, and you will need to grieve. Flip back to the earlier chapters
of this workbook and reflect on the exercises you have done. You have been learning these
skills for a reason, and you will continue to practice them. You can tolerate these losses as
part of the greater good.

Healing Broken Relationships

There may be times when you feel as if the anger, criticism, and lack of trust that have invaded
your personal relationships will never go away. Do not fear! There is hope for the healing of
your relationships. Taking action in the ways described in this section will set you on the path
toward healing your wounded relationships and making them stronger than ever before.
Working through this process will require a hefty dose of humility. You will need to own
up to the mistakes you have made. You will need to take responsibility for the things you have
 Relationships   161

done wrong. If you are reading this and thinking, But I haven’t done anything wrong, think
again! You are a human being, not a robot. Human beings are flawed, and sometimes they
mess up. If you have lived and breathed, you have managed to make a few mistakes. Now you
have the chance to reflect honestly about your life and take responsibility for where you went
wrong.
Humility is not the same as humiliation. Taking ownership of your bad choices and
looking for ways to make things right is not the same as wallowing in guilt. It does not mean
constantly feeling like a failure. While the people in your life are entitled to their own feelings
about your addictive behaviors, you do not need to carry those feelings for them. You can
accept that they feel that way and take responsibility for the things you have done. But feeling
that you are the worst of the worst or that you don’t deserve forgiveness is just as unreasonable
as thinking you’ve never made a mistake. True humility is fair and balanced; self-hatred is
based on faulty thinking!

EXERCISE 9.6 Letter of Invitation

This writing exercise is a good place to begin with the important people in your life. You are
inviting the people who matter to you to understand your recovery better and to give you a
chance to right the wrongs you have done.
Use the following form as an outline. It would be best to copy this letter of invitation (or
download it at http://newharbinger.com/48107) so that you have several copies to use in
the future. You can use this letter for different people along your recovery journey.

Dear ,

I am writing this letter to you today to talk about my addiction. I hope we will talk
more in the future; this is just a beginning. I want to share with you some of my
thoughts, feelings, and hopes. I also want to own up to the pain my addictive behav-
iors may have caused you.

Here are the top five ways I think my addictive behaviors have affected or hurt you:


162   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Am I right? Are there other ways you want to tell me about? I want to listen. I want
to know what this has been like for you. I also want to know whether there are any
ways I can make things up to you. Here are five things I am already doing to change
my life:

I am open to hearing more suggestions if you have them. Even if I can’t accomplish
the things that you suggest, I want to know how you feel.

I am going to continue working on getting better. I know I am responsible for my own

recovery. I promise to take that responsibility seriously. Because you are an important
part of my life, I would like to invite you to be a part of the process. If you are willing,
here are three ways you could support my recovery:

My hope is that we will have a strong, happy, balanced relationship in the future. The
kind of person I want to be in our relationship is:

This letter is only a beginning. I wanted to open the door for us to talk honestly and
openly about my addiction. I hope you will join me in this process. I am willing to work
hard to heal this relationship because you are important to me!

Sincerely,

 Relationships   163

Healing Conversations
The next step in healing will be to speak face-to-face to the important people in your life
in a way that eases tension and allows for growth.
These conversations are likely to bring up some anxiety in you. But you don’t have to
dodge those feelings, right? That nervous feeling is perfectly normal. It’s a genuine, natural
response to the fact that this relationship is important to you. Here are some brief suggestions
to help you move through your anxious feelings with ease:

• Stay away from caffeine. Caffeine only increases anxiety levels and can give you that
restless, jittery feeling instead of a sense of calm and peace.

• Get some exercise beforehand. This will help to burn off some cortisol (the stress
hormone in your brain) and help you reach a centered place.

• Breathe! In chapter 4, you learned how to breathe in a way that is soothing and
restorative. Check your breathing: make sure it is coming from your belly, slow and
low.

• Practice your mindfulness exercises. Chapters 4, 8, and 10 are full of wonderful activi-
ties that can bring you peace. Most exercises only take about five minutes. Use the
skills you have learned so far; they are perfect for helping you as you begin to heal
your relationships.

• This one takes guts but yields the best results: reflect honestly about how you feel. Tell
the other person that you are nervous and explain why. Chances are it’s because you
want things to go well, are afraid of saying the wrong thing somehow, or are afraid of
messing up. Maybe you are afraid of hurting the person or of being judged.

• Make sure the person knows it isn’t her fault that you are nervous; that has nothing
to do with it. She isn’t doing anything wrong. Even if this person has judged you in
the past or has been nasty or aggressive, that still doesn’t mean she is responsible for
your feelings. Trying to suggest that she is will only backfire. Remember your “I” state-
ments? Own the way you are feeling. Share that you are nervous for a very good
reason: when it comes down to it, it’s simply because this conversation means a lot to
you.
164   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 9.7 Healing Conversation Format

Now that you know how to deal with the anxiety that comes along with these discussions,
the last question is this: How do you talk to the people you care about, who may be hurt
and angry about your addiction and things you have done?
This is your chance to open the space between you and the other person. You are letting
him share with you how he has felt. He may express a lot of anger; that is healthy and
normal, but it’s also up to you to figure out whether your boundaries have been crossed.
No matter what you have done, you do not deserve to be verbally abused. You may need
to calmly assert your boundaries and ask the person to express himself in a nicer way. You
may even need to excuse yourself from the situation if it makes you too uncomfortable.
Use this guide to find key phrases you can use during your conversation. (You can also
download this guide at http://www.newharbinger.com/48107.)

Examples of Places to Have Your Conversation

A park

A peaceful place by water

In your home (if you can be alone)

In the other person’s home (if you can be alone)

A restaurant (if it’s quiet and private enough to talk)

A coffee shop (if it’s quiet and private enough to talk)

Examples of Conversation Starters

“I wanted us to meet today because I know there’s a lot we need to talk about.”

“I want you to have a chance to share with me how you have been feeling; I am here
to listen.”

“Let’s take all the time you need to talk about how my actions have made you feel. I am
here and I am listening.”

“I want to understand what things have been like for you.”

“I asked to meet for this conversation because I know there’s a lot we have to work out
between us. I am here to listen.”
 Relationships   165

“I want to make things right. This conversation is just a first step, so that I can under-
stand more about where you are coming from.”

Examples of Supportive Feedback

“I can see that this has been hard for you.”

“I can understand why you feel that way.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me.”

“Tell me more; I am listening.”

“How else did it make you feel?”

“What was that like for you?”

“Thank you for sticking with me through that.”

“I can see how much you have been struggling.”

“I appreciate that you are willing to talk with me about this.”

“It makes sense that you thought or felt that.”

“Thank you for your honesty.”

Examples of Boundary-Setting Phrases

“I want to be able to really hear what you are saying, but that gets hard when you raise
your voice, call me names, or threaten me.”

“If we are going to keep talking today, we should probably slow down and breathe a
little.”

“Things are getting intense right now; let’s take a five-minute break and come back.”

“I know that you are very angry with me, and you have every right to be, but we still
need to talk to each other respectfully or we aren’t going to get anywhere.”

“I would like us to keep talking, but I want it to be productive. What can we do to calm
things down a little so we can really hear each other?”
166   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Examples of Phrases for Exiting the Situation If Necessary

“I am glad we got a chance to meet, but I think things are getting too out of control
today and we need to stop.”

“I respect how you feel, but the way you are talking is too hurtful and I need to leave.”

“I want us to work things out, but being called names is not okay with me. I think it
would be best for me to go.”

“I know I have made mistakes, but I still deserve to be treated with respect. Let’s try this
conversation another time when we are calmer.”

Examples of Healthy Endings to the Conversation

“Thanks so much for meeting with me today. It means a lot to me.”

“I know this is just a beginning, and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

“I am really grateful that you were willing to tell me how you feel. It wasn’t always easy
to hear, but I am willing to work on the things you brought up.”

“I hope you feel okay about how this went. Is there anything you would want to do dif-
ferently the next time we talk?”

“Thank you for helping me understand what things have been like for you. I will con-
tinue to listen, and I hope we can talk again.”
 Relationships   167

EXERCISE 9.8 Healing Conversation Action Plan

Now use this Healing Conversation Action Plan to make a solid plan for your conversation.
It would be wise to copy this worksheet, download it at www.newharbinger.com/48107, or
use your journal to do this exercise with many important people in your life.

Name of friend or family member: 

Place to have the conversation: 

Conversation starter to use: 

Supportive feedback to use: 

Boundary-setting phrases to use: 

Phrases to exit the situation if necessary: 

Phrases to end the conversation in a healthy way: 


168   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Rebuilding Trust
As mentioned earlier in this chapter, losing the trust in your relationships is a common
outcome of addiction and can be frustrating, shaming, and painful for you. It can seem to
take forever for the important people in your life to stop questioning you at every turn. Please
be patient! You will earn their trust back. It will take time and consistency on your part, but
it will happen. (If it never does, that’s not about you, and it will be important to detach from
the outcome.)
There are some things that may help you on the road to rebuilding trust. You may not
want to do those things. In fact, you may really, really not want to do those things. But this is
a part of taking responsibility for your addictive behaviors. For a long time, while you were
caught in your addiction, you were probably not trustworthy. That’s something you will have
to come to terms with. Forgive yourself, but own it too. The people around you have their
reasons for feeling afraid to trust in you. Give them the things they need to feel safe again.
This might mean consenting to regular drug testing or alcohol breath tests. It might mean
giving your spouse full access to your email, phone records, or bank account information. It
might mean committing to therapy or going to a support group on a regular basis. Of course,
this is all up to you. You can make the final decisions about your boundaries and expectations
in relationships. But your willingness to consider these actions in order to rebuild trust for
those you may have harmed can go a long way.

EXERCISE 9.9 The Commit to Quit Agreement

Many people who are recovering from an addiction will tell you it’s a good idea to say your
“pleases” and “thank yous.” In the morning, ask your higher power to please help you in
your recovery throughout the day. At night, thank your higher power for another day of
recovery. Why not also say your “pleases” and “thank yous” to the people you care about?
This exercise will help you restore trust and closeness after addiction has taken its toll on
a relationship. It’s called the “Commit to Quit Agreement.”
Ask an important person in your life, or many important people in your life, to partici-
pate in this conversation with you on a daily basis. It’s a good idea to choose a specific time
when you will repeat this conversation every day. While it may seem kind of hokey to repeat
these scripted words to each other, it can have a powerful effect. It shows the important
people in your life your continued commitment to recovery and reinforces that you have
their support. You may state your specific addictive behavior, such as, “I have not used,”
or “I have not gambled,” instead of, “I have not engaged in my addictive behavior,” if you
choose.
 Relationships   169

You: I have not engaged in my addictive behavior for the last twenty-
four hours. Thank you for your help. Would you please continue
to support me for the next twenty-four hours?

Important person in Thank you for abstaining from your addictive behavior for the
your life: last twenty-four hours. Please keep it up and let me know how
I can support your recovery for the next twenty-four hours.

Building a Healthy Social Support System

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life is a healthy support system. Positive
relationships with people who love and respect you are an incredible buffer against the hard
times in life. Social support can make all the difference in your physical health, emotional
well-being, and peace of mind. But how do you find these people who will offer that kind of
support?

Be a friend. You may have heard, “You have to be a friend to have a friend”; the way you
treat others will come back around to you. It’s a pretty simple idea, but it often falls by the
wayside when you are caught up in your own life and end up thinking mostly about yourself.
If you feel that your social support is lacking, think hard about how you treat others. Are you
there for people when they need you? Do you keep your commitments, or do you often flake
out on them? Are you honest, caring, and respectful? Do you share openly with others as well
as listen to what they have to say? Do you think about ways to help others or only what they
can offer you? Do you give others the benefit of the doubt, or do you judge them? Quite
simply, would you want to be friends with you? If the answer to these questions is no, don’t
worry! You have time to become the kind of friend you would want to have. Keep focusing
on your recovery and on living a life based on your values. Consider the previous ideas and
put them into practice with others. You can do it!

Go to meetings. Whatever your addictive behavior may be, there’s a very good chance that
there’s a 12-step program associated with it. This is especially true for drug and alcohol addic-
tion, in which case there are a variety of meetings available to fit your needs. There are
countless benefits to getting involved in a 12-step program, but one of the greatest is the
social support. Being able to meet and interact with other people who truly understand your
addiction is a liberating and uplifting experience that should not be missed! People who
attend these meetings are embedded in a culture of unbelievable support. Social functions
such as parties, dances, picnics, conferences, and camping trips are common and bring a lot
of fun and friendship into your recovery. If you resist attending meetings for any reason, it
170   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

would be wise to at least check them out. You can find more info at aa.org or na.org, or by
searching for the 12-step group that’s right for you (don’t forget virtual meetings!). Go to at
least three different meetings, and give yourself a chance to meet a few people each time.
There is no need to recover in isolation!

Participate in activities. In this day and age, there are endless opportunities for social activi-
ties. It’s only a matter of deciding what you like to do. Then comes the internet! Social net-
working sites such as Meetup (www.meetup.com) gather groups together to connect. While
many activities may include alcohol, many others do not. The social scene is all planned for
you; all you have to do is show up and be willing to meet new people. (If this is especially hard
for you, consider the next major section, “Managing Social Discomfort.”)
Here is a short list of activities that will help you meet new people:
• Join a hiking club.
• Start running, walking, or bicycling, and join a training program for races.
• Take an exercise class like yoga or spinning; get there early so that you have time to
chat with others.
• Take a cooking class or another class that interests you; try the local colleges or com-
munity centers.
• Get involved in your spiritual community, such as a church or temple.
• Do volunteer work.
• Take your dog to a dog park; dog owners are some of the friendliest people in the
world, and you already have something to talk about.
• If you are single, try online dating; use reputable websites and make wise decisions about
how much personal information you give out and where you meet new people (never at
your home!). Give yourself a chance to go out at least once and walk through the fears
that come with first dates. The fears could be magnified if you are in early recovery.

Build on existing relationships. Your world is full of social relationships, from your closest
family members to the barista at your favorite coffee shop. Chances are you already know
quite a few people. What leaves you feeling lonely or isolated is the lack of closeness and con-
nection in your personal relationships. To improve on this, start by building on relationships
you already have. Perhaps there is an acquaintance or a coworker you have always thought
seemed interesting. Create an opportunity to get to know that person better: ask her to join
you for coffee or an activity you both might enjoy. Use the following space for a brainstorming
session to think of people you know with whom you would like a deeper relationship.
 Relationships   171

Person: 

Ideas for activities to do together: 

Person: 

Ideas for activities to do together: 

Person: 

Ideas for activities to do together: 

Person: 

Ideas for activities to do together: 

Person: 

Ideas for activities to do together: 

It may be difficult to start adding these new experiences into your life at first, but the
results will absolutely be worthwhile. Having a solid group of friends you can count on is a
key component of the happy, healthy life you are building!
172   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Managing Social Discomfort

It’s very common for people who have been trapped in an addiction to feel discomfort in
social situations in the early stages of recovery. Next are some ways to decrease social
discomfort.

Give yourself a break. Remember that you are getting used to a whole new way of life. You
knew it wouldn’t be easy, but you have been walking this path anyway. You have come so far!
Feeling nervous, uncomfortable, or out of place socially right now is perfectly normal, even
expected! If you are feeling especially down or stressed, cut yourself some slack. Do some self-
care behaviors. Practice your mindfulness and relaxation skills. Remember how strong you
are for taking this journey toward healing. You are going to get where you want to go; it just
takes time!

Bring a friend. Being in social situations can be especially challenging if your addictive
behaviors are part of the scene. That might include having alcohol or drugs around you at a
party, being tempted to overeat when dining out, or being around friends who smoke or
gamble in front of you. There’s nothing wrong with needing extra support! Bring along a
friend who knows about your recovery and supports you. If that’s not possible, let people
know you are walking into a challenging situation that tempts you or makes you uncomfort-
able; tell them you may need to call or text them for support and when to expect it. Set
yourself up for success!

Watch your self-talk. Everyone has thoughts running through their minds all day long.
Many of those thoughts are about yourself. Those thoughts, called self-talk, can be helpful or
harmful. Your self-talk might be encouraging, and if it is, bravo! Being your own cheerleader
will take you very far in life. But there may be times, especially when addictive behaviors have
been a part of your life, when your self-talk is negative, critical, and downright rude. As you
learned in part 1 of this book, those thoughts influence your mood and behavior. Basically,
they have a big influence over the course of your life. When you are heading into a social
environment or are already there, thoughts that take away your confidence can begin to pile
up. Become a true expert at watching your thoughts and get that self-talk on the right track!
 Relationships   173

EXERCISE 9.10 Keep Track of Your Thoughts

Use the next form to keep track of your thoughts and build in more positive self-talk. It would
be wise to copy this worksheet (or download it at http://www.newharbinger.com/48107) so
that you can use it again and again, but you can also work through this process step by step
in your journal. You will rate the intensity of your feelings about the situation on a scale of
1 (least intense) to 10 (most intense).

Example

Situation: Going to a Halloween party, first party since I stopped drinking.

Thoughts (self-talk): This costume looks so stupid. Everyone is going to think I look ridicu-
lous. No one will talk to me. It won’t be any fun. What if I hate it?

Feelings: Anxious, nervous, afraid; uncomfortable in my skin, insecure, restless

Intensity of the feelings (1–10): 9

Self-encouraging thoughts to balance out negative self-talk: They invited me for a reason,
so they must want me to come. Everyone looks kind of silly in Halloween costumes, and
besides, it’s not a beauty contest. If it really isn’t fun, I can leave early. Steve is going. He
knows I stopped drinking and has been really supportive. It won’t kill me just to check it
out; I might have fun!

Intensity of the feelings now (1–10): 4 (still nervous, but I feel a lot better)

Your Responses

Situation: 

Thoughts (self-talk): 

Feelings: 

Intensity of the feelings (1–10):        

174   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Self-encouraging thoughts to balance out negative self-talk: 

Intensity of the feelings now (1–10):        

As well as practicing more positive self-talk using the previous exercise, it would be a
good idea to go back and do the exercises in chapter 2. The more you can understand your
thoughts and what they are up to, the more control you will have over your moods and
behaviors.

Conclusion
Congratulations on doing the hard work of focusing on your personal relationships! You have
likely come across and coped with a broad range of feelings during the course of this chapter.
Remember, good, supportive relationships take time to develop. You are doing great! The
next chapter is about taking your life in recovery to the next level of health, happiness, and
well-being with more mindfulness skills.
 CHAPTER 10

More Mindfulness

Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become
something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.
—Pema Chödrön

N ow that you have a strong foundation of skills, you are ready to practice advanced mind-
fulness. Think of it like exercising. As you’ve practiced the skills from chapter 4, your
mindfulness muscles have been growing stronger. The exercises in this chapter are kind of
like heavier weights. They might take more energy and focus, but you have been training for
this!
Let’s start with some important ideas that will help you live a happier and more mindful
life in recovery.

Radical Acceptance Revisited

You learned about radical acceptance in chapter 4. It is an essential skill for your mindful
recovery, so it is worth some extra practice! Radical acceptance is a way of saying it is what it
is. It doesn’t mean that your current situation is how you want it to be. Radical acceptance
(Tara Brach 2003) simply acknowledges what is real and true in this moment. Rather than
exerting energy to wrestle with the present moment, you accept this moment as it is. But why?

Cora’s Story Cora had chronic back pain from a boating accident, which often
acted up during her job as a hairdresser. When she would notice her pain, she would
instantly launch into a mental storm of thoughts and emotions. She spent the next
few hours blaming her ex-boyfriend for the accident, convinced she would not make
it through this day at work, and sometimes furious that smoking weed on her breaks
176   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

was no longer an option for her. The pain started as a dull ache but quickly felt
all-consuming.

For better or worse, pain is an inevitable part of life. We all get bruises, beestings, even
broken bones. Some people experience chronic physical pain. Emotional pain is common too.
As you know very well from chapter 5, losses, both big and small, happen often. There is no
getting away from the fact that you will feel pain. But you do not need to add to, deepen, or
lengthen your pain. That is where acceptance comes in.
Any woman who has given birth will tell you that the key is relaxation. Tensing up during
the contractions only lengthens and intensifies the pain. In birthing classes, pregnant women
are taught to move through labor pains with breathing techniques, visualizations, and mindful
movements. They learn to move with the process, instead of resisting it. What would it be like
to engage with all the pains and discomforts of life this way?
Renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was famous for saying, “What you resist persists.”
He found that people who resisted parts of themselves continued to be bothered by them. In
fact, he found that what people resisted got bigger and stronger (Jung 2006)! It is actually a
lack of acceptance—wrestling against the “what is” of our pain—that causes us to suffer.
Think of it this way:

Suffering = Pain + Resistance

As Buddhists believe, pain is inevitable, but suffering is actually optional.

The following mindfulness exercise with help you notice thoughts and feelings without
resistance or attachment. This will help you develop your skill of radical acceptance and
cultivate peace even when pain occurs in your life.

EXERCISE 10.1 Leaves Down a Stream

Find a place in your home that is free of distractions. You can sit on a chair with both of your
feet on the floor and put your hands on your thighs. Or you can sit on the floor with your
legs crossed under you and put your hands in your lap. How you sit is not as important as
just sitting. Set a timer for five minutes.
Close your eyes. If thoughts start pouring into your mind, that’s okay. It is the job of your
mind to have thoughts.
One at a time, let each thought float by, like a leaf floating down a stream. Visualize
the leaf floating down the stream. Can you see the leaf? What color is it? How big is it? You
very likely may have critical thoughts and unpleasant feelings at first: This is stupid. Let the
thought float like a leaf down the stream. I’ve got a load of things to do; why am I just sitting
 More Mindfulness   177

here? The leaf is floating down the stream. This is the longest five minutes of my life. The
leaf is floating down the stream. Each thought gets its own leaf. Each feeling gets its own
leaf. There are enough leaves for all of your thoughts and feelings. One at a time, let each
thought and feeling float on its own leaf. There is a simple joy in having the thought float
down the stream. Each thought moves freely. There are no obstacles to block the movement
of the leaf. The river is running smoothly: next thought, next leaf, next feeling, next leaf—
leaf floating down the stream.
Practice this once or twice each day. Start with five minutes at a time. After one month,
you will be ready to move up to ten minutes. Don’t rush it. You will notice changes with
even a few minutes of sitting each day. Remember, there are enough leaves for all of your
thoughts and feelings.

Cora was willing to try “Leaves Down a Stream.” She was surprised by what happened to
her pain when she released her thoughts and feelings about it as they arose. The pain was still
there, but it stayed a dull ache. More amazing to her was that she was often able to forget all
about it!
It is likely that you will need to bring yourself back to a state of acceptance many, many
times a day. Luckily, the more you practice meditation, the easier it will become to bring
yourself back to acceptance. Meditation trains the brain to focus its attention. You might
have noticed yourself getting distracted by thoughts as you meditate, maybe even finding
yourself far away in a daydream instead of focused on your practice. Gently invite your atten-
tion back to the present moment. Focus on your breath or your visualization. This act of
noticing that your attention has wandered, and bringing it back to now, prepares you to move
from the discomfort of resistance to the practice of radical acceptance. You can change your
state of mind!

Releasing Judgment
You learned earlier in this book what mindfulness really means: bringing your full attention
to the present moment without judgment. It’s the without judgment part that people often
struggle with the most! Unfortunately, it is human nature to judge others, yourself, your expe-
riences, and the world at large. Negative judgments tend to get worse when you are tired,
stressed, or unhappy. Truly embracing mindfulness will mean shifting from judgment to
curiosity.

Trey’s Story Trey was five months clean from alcohol and prescription pain
meds. He had started meditating for at least a few minutes every morning, and
178   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

listening to a guided meditation to fall asleep at night. He enjoyed bringing his

mindful attention to everyday tasks, like cooking or taking a shower. He was feeling
more and more present in his own life. But much of the day, he still felt agitated.
When his counselor explored these feelings, Trey said things like “people drive like
maniacs,” or “it’s always freezing at my work,” or “everyone in my recovery group
talks too much!” Luckily, Trey’s counselor was well versed in mindfulness. He knew
Trey was missing an essential piece of the puzzle: releasing judgment.

If you are criticizing your present moment, you are resisting what is. In order to greet the
present moment with nonjudgment, you must create openness. Sometimes the best way to do
that is through the body. Your body holds a lot of wisdom, and by working on things physically
you can open the door to emotional and behavioral changes too. The next two exercises use
the body to shift judgmental attitudes that might be getting in your way.

EXERCISE 10.2 Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

The following exercise, Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR), was developed by Dr. Edmund
Jacobson and adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Bourne 2015); it is used
here to help you move through judgments. It will also help you cope with the anxiety that
many people feel in recovery. In fact, if you experience high anxiety or panic attacks (see
our checklist in chapter 11), you should practice this exercise every day to get what’s called
“generalization effects”—meaning you feel the relaxation benefits not only when you do
PMR, but throughout the day too!
Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and releasing several muscle groups in
the body. You will experience the tension of resistance in the body, followed by the deep
relaxation of opening up and letting go. If you come to a muscle group that you are uncom-
fortable tensing (due to pain or injury), simply skip it and move on. This exercise will likely
take about fifteen minutes.

In a quiet and soothing place, lie down or sit comfortably in a chair. Begin with three
deep, slow breaths. Connect with your body in this moment.

For each of the muscle groups listed below, tense vigorously, but do not strain. Pay
attention to the sensation of tension building in the muscle. After 7 to 10 seconds, let
go suddenly, allowing the muscle to fall limp and relaxed. Remain relaxed for 15 to
20 seconds before moving to the next muscle group. Let yourself live in that relaxed
and open space. Repeat a soothing phrase, such as:
 More Mindfulness   179

• I am letting go.

• I greet my experience with curiosity.

• I notice resistance floating away from me.

• I release judgment.

• I am open to what is.

Steps for Progressive Muscle Relaxation

1. Clench your fists.

2. “Make a muscle” with your biceps.

3. Tighten your triceps (the back of your arms) by straightening your arms with elbows
locked.

4. Raise your eyebrows to tense the forehead muscles.

5. Close your eyes tightly to tense muscles around the eyes.

6. Open your mouth widely to stretch and tense the muscles of the jaw.

7. Lift your shoulders up toward your ears.

8. Try to touch your shoulder blades together to tense the muscles of your back.

9. Hold a deep breath for 10 seconds to tighten chest muscles.

10. Suck in your stomach to tense stomach muscles.

11. Arch your lower back up.

12. Squeeze your buttocks together.

13. Tense the muscles in your thighs.

14. Carefully pull your toes toward you to tense the calves.

15. Curl your toes down to tighten the muscles of the feet.

Gently scan your body now, and return to any muscle group that would benefit from
more relaxation. Breathe deeply and allow yourself to melt into the relaxation that has
spread now through every muscle of the body. Enjoy this feeling, knowing you will carry it
with as you go on with your day.
180   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 10.3 Open Body Posture

Allow ten minutes for the open body posture exercise. Find a place to sit where you can
comfortably extend your arms to the side. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, as you have
learned to do, slow and low, from the belly. Hands are resting in your lap; muscles are
relaxed.
Once you feel connected to your body in space, cross your arms the way you would if
you were feeling stubborn, making an X across your chest. Take your time and notice the
way your body feels in this position. Breathe into this space.
Next, extend your arms to the sides, spreading them like wings. Allow your chest to
open fully, feeling your shoulder blades move a bit closer together down your back. Breathe
deeply into your open lungs. Your head may fall back slightly as your body opens up, as if
you are closing your eyes to feel the sun on your face. It may help to keep your “wings” low,
allowing the shoulders to fall relaxed, arms in an upside-down V. Imagine water flowing
down your arms, all the way to your fingertips, and falling softly to the floor. Take your time
to experience this open body position and whatever you notice here.
Return your hands to your lap in a resting position, and repeat this sequence of motions
for as long as it feels valuable to you, bringing your full attention to each posture. Use the
space below to describe your experience, knowing your experience may change with each
new practice.

Open Body Posture Experiences

When you notice yourself judging the present moment, take a deep breath and bring
yourself into a relaxed state by tensing and releasing your muscles, or getting into an open
body position. You can do this secretly anywhere you are by curling your toes or clenching
your fists out of sight. Judgments happen for everyone, but you have the skills to cope with
them and to live fully in the present moment.
 More Mindfulness   181

EXERCISE 10.4 Nonjudgmental Phrases

Now that you have learned to create openness in your body, let’s look at some new ways of
thinking. This exercise will take about ten minutes. Read through the following phrases and
place a check mark next to at least one or two you are willing to try.

I am open to the experience of…

I bring awareness to…

I am curious about…

I am observing…

I wonder…

Isn’t that interesting?

I am noticing…

I acknowledge…

Now, practice using these phrases for the situations below.

Example Situation: I have an itchy rash.

Example Phrasing: I am open to the experience of this itch.

Situation: I am stuck in traffic.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 

Situation: I can’t sleep.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 

Situation: Someone is saying something I strongly disagree with.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 
182   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Situation: I have the flu.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 

Situation: I’ve been waiting a long time for someone to arrive or call.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 

Situation: My recovery group or meeting feels full of negativity today.

Nonjudgmental phrase: 

EXERCISE 10.5 Practice Gratitude

Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has huge emotional and practical benefits. It can also
help prevent relapse, especially when you fall into what addiction expert Terence Gorski
calls “awfulizing sobriety” (Gorski 1989). That is when you turn the focus of your attention
onto your struggles and frustrations, ignoring the wonderful and pleasing parts of being in
recovery. “Awfulizing,” as you can imagine, is full of judgments. Practicing gratitude regu-
larly will shift your focus to the joys and serenity in your life.
This exercise is simple and effective! Commit to practicing this daily for the next two
weeks at least. Every night, write down five things you are grateful for. This could be some-
thing specific, like a good thing that happened today. It could also be more general, like
the fact that you have a job, your health, loved ones, or a bed to sleep in. You might be
grateful for the simple things, like a hot cup of coffee in the morning. And you can always
feel thankful for one more day free of addiction!

Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is another incredibly valuable practice in your recovery. But what does it
really mean? Compassion is a deep feeling of care and understanding of someone’s pain. It is
a way of greeting human pain with genuine kindness, acknowledging suffering with love.
Offering this kind of care to yourself is the definition of self-compassion.
 More Mindfulness   183

Jen’s Story Jen grew up in an abusive family, where she was hit by both parents
and her brother. She had a younger brother, Joel, whom she loved very much. From
a young age, she was often left alone to take care of him. One night when Jen was
ten, Joel, age four, got angry and threw his cereal bowl at her, striking Jen in the
face. She became enraged, and for the first time she punched and kicked Joel,
acting out the same abuse she had learned from the adults around her. Jen
continued to hit Joel a few times a year until she moved out of the house at age
fourteen.
Jen carried deep shame about these memories, and was extremely critical of her
own anger as an adult. If she raised her voice to her husband or became frustrated
with the kids, she would lock herself in the bathroom for hours and drink. Anger was
her biggest trigger in recovery and often resulted in a relapse. Jen worked hard to
practice the skills in this book, and to develop a mindful recovery. She was ready to
greet all the feelings that would come with addressing her past. The true shift for Jen
came when her therapist gently guided her to reach back in time, to offer compassion
for that ten-year-old girl she was. In offering compassion to that child, Jen felt
compassion open up within herself and begin to spread. She was able to accept all of
her human experiences, even anger. Jen found sustained recovery and healing
through self-compassion.

When you are in a moment of struggle or challenge, do you offer yourself care? When you
feel you have made a mistake, do you greet that experience with kindness? When you are in
pain, do you turn toward yourself with love? Nobody does this perfectly. Sometimes you
might find you have more compassion for other people, even strangers, than you do for your-
self. Maybe you are carrying guilt, shame, or low self-esteem from your years of addiction. You
can let go of the past and move forward. Develop your own self-compassion with the exercises
below.

EXERCISE 10.6 The Self-Compassion Letter

For this exercise, use your journal to answer the following questions. If people often tell you
you’re too hard on yourself, do this exercise daily. The self-compassion letter will take about
five minutes to complete.

Name a situation you are struggling with, something you might be beating yourself up
about.


184   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

What have you said to yourself about this situation?

How does that self-talk make you feel?

Now imagine someone you love and care for is going through the exact same situation.
Use your journal to write them a letter, offering love, support, and encouragement. If you
cannot think of a person to write to, you might think about a character in a movie or TV
show that you are rooting for, or imagine that an animal is in pain about something. What
would you say or do then?
Notice the differences between how you speak to yourself and how you speak to
someone you love and care for. You deserve just as much love, care, and compassion as
anyone else in the world. Continue to practice this exercise and when you are ready, write
your letter directly to yourself. Jen, from the story above, wrote:

Dear Jen,

Everybody gets mad, honey! Please be kind to yourself. You have a big heart, and big
hearts have big feelings. If you don’t like how you acted, you can make it right. You
are doing great, and you deserve to be happy and stay sober!

EXERCISE 10.7 Acts of Kindness Toward Yourself

In recovery, people often say you need to “act your way into right thinking.” Sometimes
taking action that fits with your values is the most powerful way to shift your thoughts and
feelings. You can treat yourself with love, respect, and care. Take a look at the list below.
Put a check next to one or more actions you will do this week.
 More Mindfulness   185

Stroke your shoulders or arms softly.

Whisper your name to yourself.

Give yourself a gentle hug.

Rock gently, the way you would if you were soothing a baby.

Buy yourself flowers.

Buy yourself a gift.

Cook something nourishing for your mind, body, and spirit.

Listen to your favorite music.

Make yourself a cup of soothing tea.

Let yourself sleep in.

Say something kind to yourself in the mirror.

Take yourself someplace beautiful to sit or walk around.

Take a day off.

Plan a short vacation.

EXERCISE 10.8 Loving-Kindness Meditation

The loving-kindness meditation (developed as an insight meditation taught by the Buddha)
is a powerful exercise for self-compassion and greater peace. Many people use this medita-
tion to offer compassion to others and the world at large, and skip over the self-compassion
part. For now, devote your loving-kindness meditation to yourself. This may feel awkward
at first. Maybe you aren’t used to treating yourself this nicely. That is even more reason to
practice!
Find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions. Begin to breathe deeply, focusing on the
sensation of air filling your lungs and the belly rising and then falling as you exhale slowly
and completely, letting your outbreath release any tension from the body.
Now, imagine yourself surrounded by a warm, comforting bubble of light. Perhaps it is
a soft white light, or perhaps it is light blue or lavender. Feel the gentle warmth of this light
around you and moving through you now. It is serenity, acceptance, and love. Keep these
feelings flowing through you as you repeat these phrases:
186   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

May I be at ease.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I be happy and free from suffering.

Continue to offer love to yourself as you repeat these phrases in order again and again.
You may repeat them as many times as feels right for you today.
After you have practiced the loving-kindness meditation for yourself many times, you
can extend this practice to other people as well. Shift your focus by sending your bubble
of light and love to others in the order below, moving to the next step only when you feel
ready. As you advance in your practice, you might direct your loving-kindness meditation
toward yourself and each of these others all in one sitting. Or you might choose to focus
your entire practice for the day on one of the following:

• Someone you love

• Someone you are neutral about

• A stranger

• Someone you are in conflict with or do not like

• Your entire community or the world at large

Fight, Flight, or FLOAT

In chapter 4, you learned about your fight-or-flight response. Fight or flight happens when your
mind perceives a threat of some kind, and activates the systems of the body that you would
need in order to fight or run quickly away from that threat. That is why your heart might start
beating faster, you might start sweating, or you might just feel a general restlessness or lack of
ease in your body. Because of imaginary lions (threats coming from your mind), fight or flight
can occur during conflict with a friend, a moment of embarrassment, stress about getting
something done, worrying about the past or future, cravings for your addictive behavior, and
more. A big part of your mindful recovery has been about finding new ways to respond to
what arises in your life. You have been learning to greet your experiences with openness,
curiosity, and compassion. This last mindfulness exercise will help you incorporate many of
the skills you have learned into one powerful concept: FLOAT. Use FLOAT to rise above the
challenging situation you are in and observe what’s going on without reacting or judging.
 More Mindfulness   187

Find your silent place. Even in the midst of crisis or conflict, there’s a quiet place where
you can go in your mind. Going to this silent place allows you to breathe and regroup.
This can be as simple as closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. You might find that
certain body movements help you find your calm, such as gently rocking side to side or
rubbing or patting your hands or shoulders.

Let go of judgment. As we have already learned, holding on to judgment about yourself,

others, or a situation holds you back from being in the present moment. It might help to
tell yourself, I am letting go or I cannot control what other people think, do, or say or I can
accept that this situation is what it is. Imagine yourself releasing judgment as you exhale.
Move into your open body position or practice tensing and releasing your muscles as you
did in progressive muscle relaxation (PMR).

Observe your thoughts. Observe your thoughts and notice that they are not permanent.
Remember “Leaves Down a Stream”? Rather than stewing in reactive thoughts, allow
them to move through your mind without grabbing hold of them, kind of like a cloud
floating across the sky, or a firework that bursts and then fades away. Thoughts come and
go. Having this knowledge can be incredibly empowering.

Awareness of your environment. Grounding techniques are especially important for

those who have experienced trauma, but they will be a powerful asset no matter what. Be
here, now, by bringing your full attention to what’s going on around you. Notice sounds,
scents, colors, and temperature. Use your five senses to get grounded in the present
moment.

Thankful for the experience. There is a lot of happiness to be found with an “attitude
of gratitude.” In every experience, there’s a lesson to be learned. What if you decided to
appreciate the experience for what is has to offer?

Are you ready to FLOAT?

Conclusion
Congratulations on continuing your mindfulness journey! Your mindful recovery is getting
stronger and more fulfilling with every practice. Next, we will take a journey into under-
standing the links between mental health and addiction. This next chapter is so important
for your long-term recovery. We are impressed at how far you have come!
 CHAPTER 11

Mental Health

Every choice you make is a vote for who you want to become.
—Michelle Obama

D iedre has been sober from alcohol and meth for six months. She knew it wouldn’t exactly
be easy getting sober, and she expected it would take a while to feel better after detox-
ing. Her body had been through a lot. But these past few weeks, it’s like everything got worse.
She just feels so hopeless these days, like there’s nothing to look forward to. She is too tired
to exercise and even when her favorite friends call, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Is this
what it’s like to be clean? But it didn’t always feel this way. What’s going on?
Mental health problems can occur at any time in your addiction and in your recovery. Just
when you think you may have a good handle on your recovery, there may be something else
lurking, waiting to rear its head out of the water. You might have heard of the term dual diag-
nosis. Dual diagnosis just means that a person is experiencing both a substance use disorder
and a mental health disorder at the same time. If you are going through this, you are certainly
not alone. According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, about 3.2 million people (1 percent of the
population) in the US are living with schizophrenia. Now that we have identified that there
may be something else bothering you, let’s take some time to figure out what it is. Remember
to be kind to yourself as you reflect on some of the issues that have been troubling you.
In chapter 6, we identified what addictions are and provided the “Checklist of Addiction
Signs” (exercise 6.2). Feel free to refer to your personal checklist of addiction signs to review
the specific behaviors that are distressing to you. Now let’s review a few warning signs of
mental health conditions. Everyone is different when it comes to their mental health, and
everyone’s warning signs can vary quite a bit. Keep in mind that mental health warning signs
can also change over time in recovery.
Sometimes using alcohol or drugs can disguise mental health concerns. At other times,
substances can make your mental health problems worse. Let’s look at some of most common
190   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

mental health challenges that you might be experiencing and together find ways to help you
start to feel better. We will focus on five conditions: (1) depression, (2) anxiety, (3) post-
traumatic stress disorder, (4) bipolar disorder, and (5) psychosis. You may be struggling with
one of these conditions or you may be successfully navigating through it. This is not a com-
plete list of mental health conditions, but it’s a good start. We will explore the common
warning signs (adapted from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 2013)
and provide brief ways to mindfully manage your emotional recovery. Take it slowly here and
reflect on how you have been feeling over the past couple of weeks.

Is It Depression?
Well, as you might have guessed, the most common mental health challenge linked to addic-
tion is depression. Depression can be defined as a period of two weeks or more where you feel
sad and have a loss of interest in activities that you once enjoyed. Depression can impact your
sleep and eating as well as your ability to concentrate. Some people may find that they are
unable to go to work or to school, have ongoing aches and pains, and just feel that everything
is overwhelming. People who are more severely depressed also think about suicide or may
have actually attempted suicide. Depression can impact you and your recovery on a deep
level. With this in mind, let’s see what the relationship is between depression and addictive
behaviors.

The Link Between Depression and Addiction

There are two pathways to understand the depression-addiction connection. Some people
may have depressed feelings first and then use substances to try to decrease the sadness, isola-
tion, and feelings of being stuck. The drug or alcohol use may then progress into addiction
over time, and addiction leads to life conflicts that make the depression worse over time.
Others may have started using alcohol or drugs first (possibly at an early age), and the ongoing
use may have triggered depression. Alcohol and many other drugs are actual “depressants.”
This means alcohol and other drugs alter the serotonin levels in the brain and cause a damp-
ening down of your mood. Our serotonin contributes to feelings of well-being, so having the
right amount is incredibly important. Other drugs, like cocaine or other stimulants, may
cause an initial feeling of elation. But what goes up must come down! The brain on stimu-
lants will crash after the initial experience of being high and may make depression much
 Mental Health   191

worse. It’s clear that if you have experienced depression, you are more vulnerable to substance
abuse. And if you are recovering from addiction, you are more vulnerable to depression. This
is all the more reason to take care of your emotional recovery along with your recovery from
addictive behaviors.

EXERCISE 11.1 Ten Common Signs of Depression

Checklist
Here is a list of ten common signs of depression. (Visit http://www.newharbinger.com/48107
to download this checklist.) Place a check mark next to any of the signs that you have had
in the past two weeks.

I have problems with sleep (either sleeping too much or too little).

I have changes in my appetite or weight.

I feel irritable or angry on most days.

I’m no longer interested in activities that I used to like

I feel hopeless and helpless.

I notice a loss of energy.

I have problems concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions.

I have problems taking care of myself (things like eating, showering, working, school,
or family responsibilities are difficult for me right now).

I have strong self-critical feelings, like guilt or shame.

I think about suicide or have made suicide attempts.

Scoring
Keep in mind that if you checked the last item, I think about suicide or have made suicide
attempts, we recommend you seek immediate help from a licensed mental health profes-
sional or psychiatric hospital. We have also included these crisis line numbers (800-273-
8255 or 800-950-NAMI) in the Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan below.
192   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

If you checked:

1–3 signs: This is a great start: you have identified your personal warning signs. This
useful information means now is the time to take care of your mental health along with
your recovery. What can you do to foster your well-being now?

4–6 signs: This is cause for alarm. Depression has a way of sneaking up on you.
Having these signs helps you recognize that you’ll need to take this seriously before it
gets worse. Are there activities you can do to help alleviate some of these symptoms?
Is there a supportive professional whom you trust that you can talk to? Information is
power, so use this information to take care of yourself and your recovery today.

7–10 signs: We applaud you for being honest and aware of how you are doing. Being
aware that you are having a problem with depressive thoughts and feelings is an impor-
tant step in protecting your recovery. This is a time you will need extra help to cope with
your depressive symptoms. Reach out to a trusted mental health professional or let your
counselor know that things are feeling a bit worse. Remember, there is always hope.
The feelings you are having now are not permanent and you can get through this with
support and self-compassion.

Remember, just like with recovery from addiction, you can begin your mindful recovery
from depression too. Yes, you can begin to feel better and continue your recovery journey.

Is It Anxiety?
You might be familiar with quite a few different types of anxiety. Here let’s just review the five
most common types.

Generalized anxiety disorder. The first type of anxiety is when you worry a lot about every-
day life events and have difficulty concentrating on what’s right in front of you. This is the
type of anxiety that can cause bodily tension, headaches, and even feeling sick to your
stomach.

Social anxiety disorder. As the name suggests, someone with this type of anxiety is extremely
frightened in social situations, most likely because of unreasonable concerns about being
embarrassed. When this fear of social interaction becomes extreme, there is a chance you can
have a panic attack.
 Mental Health   193

Panic disorder. This is the third type of anxiety. Panic is that intense feeling of fear. The fear
is usually accompanied by a rapid heartbeat, a tight chest, shortness of breath, sweating,
feeling nauseous, and feeling like you may lose control or die. According to the National
Institute of Mental Health, about 4.7 percent of people in the US have experienced panic
disorder. For those who have experienced a panic attack, 3 percent report that panic signifi-
cantly impacts their lives (2020).

Phobias. The fourth type of anxiety is when a person has a phobia. A phobia is an extreme
fear of specific things or events. Some examples of phobias that you may have heard of include
fear of a specific animal or insect, fear of natural events (hurricanes or floods), fear of blood,
or fear of a situation like flying. The fear is so intense that it interferes with your normal life.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, phobias impact about 13 percent of
Americans sometime in their lives, and many of these phobias may have started in childhood
or teenage years.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD, the fifth type of anxiety, starts off as healthy
anxiety, but changes into something that takes over your thoughts and behaviors. People with
OCD have a strong need to perform a behavior (like checking or hand washing) again and
again. OCD behaviors usually get worse with stress. If you have this type of anxiety, you are
more likely to feel ashamed about it, and you may hide it from others. The National Institute
of Mental Health says that OCD currently impacts 1.2 percent of adults in the US.

The Link Between Anxiety and Addiction

If you have been using drugs or alcohol to manage your anxiety, there is a good chance
that when you stopped using, your anxiety felt like it went through the roof! There is a
normal adjustment period that most people go through in early recovery. Anxious feelings
may lessen over time, especially as health and sleep begin to get better. If your feelings of
anxiety are not decreasing, it may be useful to talk to your mental health provider. Look at
the checklist below and determine whether you are experiencing any of these common signs
of anxiety in your recovery. Remember to breathe as you reflect on whether anxiety is a real
problem for you in your recovery.
194   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 11.2 Ten Common Signs of Anxiety

Checklist
Here is a list of signs of anxiety. (Visit http://www.newharbinger.com/48107 to download
this checklist.) Place a check mark next to any of the signs that you have had in the past two
weeks.

I worry all the time.

I feel agitated and restless.

I feel exhausted all the time.

I’m having difficulty concentrating.

I’ve had a racing heart or shortness of breath recently.

I have bodily tension (like headaches or other aches and pains).

I have trouble with my sleep (either falling or staying asleep).

I have been experiencing panic or unreasonable fear.

I avoid social situations.

When troubling thoughts intrude into my mind, I don’t feel any peace until I engage
in a specific behavior (like checking things, touching things).

Scoring
If you checked:

1–3 signs: If you have a few of these common signs and the feelings are in relation to
events in your life, continue to increase your coping skills and health behaviors. Remem-
ber, being in recovery brings its fair share of anxious thoughts. You can cope with them!

4–6 signs: It’s clear anxiety is getting in the way of managing your day-to-day activi-
ties. Sometimes it might feel like anxious feelings are taking over. This is a good time
to reach out to a mental health professional and let him or her know that your anxious
feelings are increasing. See if you can figure out whether the feelings are associated
with specific events in your life. Events like changing jobs or losing your job, family dis-
tress, a health issue, racial oppression, or world events can naturally cause anxiety to
rise. Use a journal to jot down when, where, and what type of feelings you are having.
 Mental Health   195

This will be very helpful as you look for patterns in your life. Reach out to family and
friends to help you cope!

7–10 signs: Your day-to-day life is significantly impacted by anxious feelings. There
is good news here. First, you have successfully identified that there is a problem that
is causing you difficulty. Second, anxiety is something that can be managed with a
combination of mental health support, mindfulness skills to calm down, and behav-
ioral changes. There’s no time like the present to put yourself first and take care of
your mental health as you continue in recovery. You’ll feel better if you get help from a
trusted professional counselor.

Is It Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Trauma itself is not actually a disorder. Trauma is a significantly disturbing experience or
event that happened to you in the past resulting in feelings of helplessness, fear, and loss.
While trauma is always worthy of attention, at times it can cause severe symptoms called
post-traumatic stress disorder. Events like car accidents, rape, domestic violence, child abuse,
adverse military events, illness, working in emergency and crisis settings, or natural disasters
can all lead to PTSD. Signs of post-traumatic stress disorder can begin within three months
of the traumatic event, and can include flashbacks, nightmares, mood swings, angry out-
bursts, and feelings of intense hopelessness. For some, symptoms of trauma might begin years
after the event. Your symptoms must last more than a month and be severe enough to get in
the way of your relationships, work, or school to be considered PTSD.

The Link Between Trauma and Addiction

There is a high likelihood that you may have experienced a traumatic event in the past.
According to recent research, about 85 percent of people with alcohol or drug problems also
had at least one traumatic event (Giordano 2016). Sometimes doing drugs or alcohol may
have exposed you to additional traumatic experiences. And when you add your history of loss
and grief, it can seem like there is only bad news. However, even though you may have expe-
rienced trauma, there is a way to heal, be well, and continue in your recovery! Look at the
“Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” below, just as you
reviewed whether you are experiencing depression or anxiety problems, to see whether you
are experiencing any of these signs of past trauma. If you have gone through a traumatic
event, slow down and be mindful. You’ll need to take extra care of yourself in recovery.
196   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

EXERCISE 11.3 Ten Common Signs of Post-Traumatic

Stress Disorder Checklist
Here is a list of ten signs of post-traumatic distress. (Visit http://www.newharbinger.
com/48107 to download this checklist.) Place a check mark next to any of the signs that you
have had in the past two weeks.

I reexperience the trauma (I have flashbacks, bad dreams, and/or disturbing thoughts).

I avoid places or things that remind me of the traumatic event.

I have negative thoughts about myself regarding the traumatic event.

I have had trouble remembering the traumatic event.

I feel numb, guilty, worried, and depressed about the traumatic event.

Sometimes I feel that the world is “not real.”

I am hypervigilant; I scan my environment for threats.

I have trouble sleeping.

Sometimes I have outbursts of anger.

I tend to withdraw from others.

Scoring
If you checked:

1–3 signs: Checking off one to three signs of trauma indicates you may have experi-
enced a traumatic event that is causing some concern. Continue practicing mindfulness
and other health behaviors that help calm and center you. Reach out for support and
connect with friends.

4–6 signs: By checking four to six of these common signs of trauma, you are acknowl-
edging that there are days when you are not feeling well. Something in your environ-
ment may be upsetting you. In recovery, you have a chance to address what is bother-
ing you now. Talk to a mental health professional about what you are noticing about
triggers in your environment.

7–10 signs: The traumatic event or events in your life are having a serious impact
on your mental and physical health. You are not alone, and you don’t have to keep
feeling this way. Now is the time to get professional mental health support. If you are
already in mental health treatment, let the counselor know what you are experiencing.
 Mental Health   197

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful therapy that

helps people heal from PTSD. You can search for a therapist trained in EMDR on
psychologytoday.com or goodtherapy.org. Give yourself some space to address the
traumatic events and develop soothing and coping behaviors to manage any triggers
that may come up in your environment. There is a way back to feeling well again.

Is It Bipolar Disorder?
If you are someone who has experienced severe highs and deep lows in your recovery, there
is a chance it could be bipolar disorder. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness
(nami.org), bipolar disorder occurs when there has been an intense change in a person’s
mood, energy, and ability to think clearly. This shift in mood may have started during your
teen years, but the average age for most people is around twenty-five years old.

EXERCISE 11.4 Ten Common Signs of Bipolar Disorder

Checklist
Here is a list of ten common signs of bipolar disorder. (Visit http://www.newharbinger
.com/48107 to download this checklist.) Place a check mark next to any of the signs that
you have had in the past two weeks. The first six are manic signs; the last four are depres-
sive signs.

I feel unusually upbeat, outgoing, or irritable (I’m not usually like this).

I have racing thoughts and I’ve been speaking too quickly.

I have unlimited energy and I am easily distracted.

I’m engaging in self-destructive and impulsive behaviors.

I have less need for sleep (and I don’t feel exhausted).

I have an exaggerated sense of self-worth.

I feel sad, empty, and helpless.

My energy is low, and I feel constantly drained.

I’m not sure I am thinking clearly, and I can’t remember things.

I think of suicide; I have made suicide attempts.

198   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Scoring
Keep in mind that if you checked the last item, I think of suicide; I have made suicide
attempts, we recommend you seek immediate help from a licensed mental health profes-
sional or psychiatric hospital. We have also included these crisis line numbers (1-800-273-
8255 or 800-950-NAMI) in the Dual Recovery Self Awareness Plan below.
If you checked:

1–3 signs: It’s a good time to figure out what type of support would match where you
are right now. Activate the coping skills that have worked for you in the past and con-
tinue to use the mindfulness skills for balance.

4–6 signs: Quite a few people in recovery notice they experience lots of ups and downs.
Now that you have acknowledged what is happening for you, use the information to
help yourself return to a calm place. A mental health provider may recommend getting
an assessment with a psychiatrist. Along with this, health behaviors like better nutrition,
exercise, and better sleep may also help get things back on track.

7–10 signs: Thank you for being honest about what you are going through right now.
Being aware is the most important piece of your wellness puzzle. Recovery has its share
of ups and downs, but what you may be experiencing goes beyond recovery from drugs
and alcohol. You deserve to feel better. Take this time to reach out to a trusted mental
health professional. Stay committed to your mental health and you will surely reap the
benefits.

Is It Psychosis?
There are early signs that you may be struggling with a serious mental health condition, psy-
chosis. Psychosis means a loss of contact with reality. A person who has had a psychotic break
has difficulty figuring out what is real and what is not real. A person who may have psychosis
might start to have changes in their speech, thinking, and perception. Changes can also
occur in emotions, behaviors, and social interactions. All this can be scary for the person and
everyone around him or her. Schizophrenia is the most common form of psychotic disorder.
If symptoms of psychosis last six months or longer, you may be diagnosed with schizophrenia.
For men, symptoms usually start during adolescence through age twenty-five. For women,
symptoms may start between twenty-five and forty years old. In the US, about 3.2 million
people have schizophrenia.
 Mental Health   199

The Link Between Psychosis and Addiction

Some people are more vulnerable to developing a psychotic disorder. Teens are especially
vulnerable because their brains are still developing well into their twenties. That is why some
people may have unusual behaviors that look like psychosis when they have used drugs or
alcohol in the past. On the one hand, alcohol use or drug use (especially cannabis or hallu-
cinogen use) can trigger psychotic symptoms in people who are at a high risk for mental
illness. High risk factors are any genetic or environmental factors that a person may have. On
the other hand, using drugs or alcohol can lead to the development of symptoms of psychosis
(whether or not a person has genetic or environmental risks). The sooner you have a strong
substance-use recovery plan, the sooner your brain will begin to heal. The more time your
brain can heal without drugs or alcohol, the less chance your symptoms will get worse. Look
at the “Checklist of Ten Common Signs of Psychosis” below to determine whether you have
had or are currently having any of these warning signs.

EXERCISE 11.5 Ten Common Signs of Psychosis

Checklist
Here is a list of ten common signs of psychosis. (Visit http://www.newharbinger.com/48107
to download this checklist.) Place a check mark next to any of the signs that you have had
in the past six months.

I had an unexpected drop in grades or work performance.

I have difficulty thinking clearly and/or trouble concentrating.

I feel suspicious, paranoid, and/or uncomfortable around other people.

I withdraw from other people; I spend a lot of time alone.

Sometimes I have strange ideas, weird feelings, or I just don’t have any feelings at all.

I hear or see things that other people don’t hear or see.

My personal hygiene and self-care have decreased recently (like showering, chang-
ing clothes, shaving, or doing laundry).

I have problems distinguishing what’s real from what’s fantasy.

I have noticed my speech is confused and I have trouble communicating with others.

I am not motivated; I’m not functioning well at all.

200   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Scoring
If you checked:

1–3 signs: Chances are you, and even family and friends, may be noticing your behav-
iors are unusual. Without professional help, psychosis can get worse. And these behav-
iors can lead back to using drugs and alcohol. See if you can break this cycle and get
on a healthier path.

4–6 signs: We are glad you are taking an honest look at how you are doing. Your
thoughts and behavior may be significantly impaired, and you will need to get profes-
sional mental health support as soon as possible. Continue your recovery journey from
drugs and alcohol and add in mental health care. There is a way to start feeling better
again and you are worth the effort.

7–10 signs: If you checked seven or more, you, your family, and your friends most likely
are very worried about you. We applaud your honest assessment of how you are func-
tioning. The good news is that, with professional mental health help, you can begin to
get better. Just as with the other mental health challenges, using substances will seri-
ously impact your brain and behavior. Talking to a psychiatrist about what is going on
with both addiction recovery and mental health, and discussing possible medications,
is the next healthy step. Many people in dual diagnosis recovery may need ongoing
support, group therapy, and aftercare programs to maintain well-being for the long
term. It’s always better to have a strong support system in recovery.

Now that you have a clearer picture of your mental health experiences in recovery, use
the information to target the type of support that would be best for you now. Remember,
recovery from addiction and mental illness is always possible. Take charge of your life, your
mental health, and your future.

Dual Recovery Self-Awareness

Part of being in recovery from both a mental health challenge and addiction is to have a clear
plan in place if you are having a tough time. The mindfulness skills and other skills you have
learned in this workbook will help you notice what’s happening for you early on. The sooner
you can catch the early warning signs of a mental health struggle, the sooner you can take
care of yourself. For example, you might notice it’s getting harder to get out of bed, and for
you this is a sign you could be slipping into a depressive episode. If you can begin to use your
most effective coping skills right away, you might lessen the weight of the depression or even
 Mental Health   201

avoid the episode altogether. Lila says, “In recovery, I started to notice the tension headaches
that I get long before I start having panic attacks. If I listen to my body and deal with the
anxiety right away, it actually doesn’t build into panic. I had no idea I could take charge of
my mental health like that; it’s so empowering!”

EXERCISE: 11.6 Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan

This “Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan” is an easy go-to that you can refer to when
you begin to notice signs that your mental health needs more attention. (Visit http://www
.newharbinger.com/48107 to download the “Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan.”)
Fill out your personalized “Dual Recovery Self-Awareness Plan,” keep it close, and add
it to your phone for easy access.

SAMPLE SELF-AWARENESS PLAN

Self-Awareness Sign: Friend said I was talking too fast, I’m starting to take on lots of
projects (high energy)

Warning sign of: Bipolar mania

People I can call: Jenny (she gets it!), my sister

Skills/activities that help bring me back into balance: Meditation for at least five minutes
daily; observe feelings and thoughts without attaching; try to keep my daily routine, includ-
ing meetings

Emergency Numbers I Can Contact

My Therapist: # 555-4723

My Family Member/Friend: # 555-3256

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255 or 911

NAMI Helpline: 800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741

202   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

MY SELF-AWARENESS PLAN

Self-Awareness Sign: 

Warning sign of: 

People I can call: 

Skills/activities that bring me back into balance: 

Emergency Numbers I Can Contact

My Therapist: #

My Family Member/Friend: #

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255 or 911

NAMI Helpline: 800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741

Medications for Your Mental Health

Most, if not all, of the exercises you’ve been learning in this workbook will be helpful for your
mental health. But sometimes just doing the exercises is not enough. Sometimes people get
the message that they should be able to manage their mental health disorder without medical
help. No one would fault you for getting a doctor’s help with diabetes, heart disease, or cancer.
An imbalance in brain chemistry is just as common and deserves just as much care. There
are medications available to help you. As always, be thoughtful as you consider all the options
available to you. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Before your appointment, jot
down a bunch of questions that you want him or her to answer for you. You get to decide what
feels right for you, and getting the right information is so valuable. Medication might be a
helpful addition to the many tools you are already using to change your life!
 Mental Health   203

Conclusion
Congratulations on completing this eye-opening chapter on your mental health and recov-
ery! As you can see, understanding and taking care of your mental health is critical for a
healthy recovery. In the next chapter, you will read more about other essential parts of your
recovery journey like good nutrition, quality sleep, and weekly exercise. Taking great care of
yourself in all these ways will benefit your overall mental health and well-being. We are with
you every step of the way!
 CHAPTER 12

Wellness in Recovery

There is no end to the opening up that is possible for a human being.

—Charlotte Joko Beck

T hink of your recovery as something that needs your attention on a regular basis. This
chapter will introduce you to your health as a way to prevent relapse into old behaviors.
You will move beyond just surviving to thriving with a new sense of yourself and of your
value. You will look closely at five key areas of your continued health: nutrition, sleep, fitness,
work, and fun. You will also continue to build resiliency, a powerful part of relapse prevention.
Are you ready to conquer this next phase of your well-being?

Ryan’s Story Ryan, a twenty-six-year-old assistant manager of a local grocery

store and part-time student, is pretty proud of himself. He has managed to stay
clean from marijuana for four months. He thinks less and less about smoking pot
these days. Going to meetings helps. He talks to his new friends from Narcotics
Anonymous.
Next week is the anniversary of his father’s death; Ryan can’t believe it has been a
year already. The past year was full of mistakes and numbing out with pot. Although
he has been clean for four months, Ryan doesn’t feel the way he wants to feel. He is
still having trouble sleeping, and he gained thirty pounds from his crazy junk food
diet. Ryan used to exercise regularly but stopped when he got depressed. He lost his
motivation to take care of himself. But there’s a part of him that really wants to get
healthy again.
Ryan has been studying to be a vet tech, taking classes during the day and
working the night shift at the grocery store. Six months after his father died, Ryan
dropped out of school. The good news is that his school contacted him recently and
asked if he was planning to return to finish his course work and internship. Being
206   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

around animals reminds Ryan of his father, who loved animals and always had two
dogs in the pickup truck with him. With the help of a counselor and using this
workbook to understand his loss-addiction cycle, Ryan is ready to get back into his
life in a new and healthy way.

Nutrition
When you were doing your addictive behavior, chances are you may not have been eating
right. This is an area that needs your attention. How you eat has a huge impact on how you
feel. And how you feel in recovery has a huge impact on your ability to maintain and enjoy
that recovery! Maybe you have been thinking about a change in eating habits but don’t know
where to start. Lucky for you, with all the improvements you have been making since starting
this workbook, you are in a good place to begin focusing on eating well.
Many people experience disordered eating behaviors alongside, or before or after, their
addiction. This could include bulimia (binge eating followed by purging through vomiting,
overexercising, or laxative use), anorexia (extreme food restriction and intense fear of weight
gain), or binge eating (consuming large amounts of food and feeling like you can’t stop). Even
without one of those disorders, you might have gone on extreme diets, eaten only junk food,
or regularly used food for comfort. An unhelpful relationship with food limits your ability to
live life to the fullest.
As you begin to change your nutrition, it is important to focus on balance. Consider what
seems out of balance in your eating, and seek ways to balance it out. For example, if you are
used to snacking mindlessly all day, you might benefit from a more structured eating plan
with three meals per day. But if you have been eating at specific times and not allowing your-
self to snack no matter what—ignoring hunger cues—moving into balance might mean
tuning in to your body’s needs throughout the day. If you have been eating a lot of sweets and
greasy fast food, finding balance will mean trying new foods, especially fruits and vegetables.
It’s a good idea to talk to your physician or a nutritionist to help sort out your nutritional
needs. This is especially true if you have experienced disordered eating. Make sure your nutri-
tionist, or therapist, understands disordered eating and really honors what you need to be
well. If you have compulsively dieted, for example, you won’t be much helped by a diet plan.
Listen to your own intuition and remember to find your balance!
Ryan followed the advice of his doctor and went to a see a nutritionist, who found that
Ryan was drinking eight to ten caffeinated sodas a day, starting first thing in the morning to
get going. Ryan was asked to decrease sodas and increase his water intake throughout the day.
Ryan didn’t really know how to cook or put foods together. The nutritionist offered him easy,
 Wellness in Recovery   207

healthy recipes and advised that he take a vitamin supplement to help him get back on track.
After four weeks, Ryan was excited to have more energy, even without all the sodas!
One way to create greater balance and well-being in your eating is through (you guessed
it!) mindfulness. Mindful eating is a wonderful practice, and it’s really easy too. Simply bring
your full attention to the experience of eating. Notice and attend to hunger cues, as well as
the feeling of fullness that develops as you eat. Take time to notice the colors, shapes, and
textures of your food. When you are eating, eat one bite as a time. Pay attention to the feeling
of chewing, the unique flavors of your food, and how your body feels. Put your fork down
between bites. Slow down and be present during your meals.
This can be a strange new feeling; most of us are used to eating quickly and mindlessly!
It’s a good idea to start this practice by committing to three mindful bites at each meal. Enjoy
connecting to this moment and to the act of nourishing your body with healthy food.

Sleep
Having a drug or alcohol problem can seriously affect your sleep patterns. As you may have
experienced, excessive worry or feelings of sadness also affect your sleep. Good sleep has a
wonderful, powerful impact on your day-to-day life in recovery. Here you will learn a few ways
to introduce healthy sleep back into your life. Remember to talk to your doctor if you notice
real problems with your sleep.
The Harvard Medical School Division of Sleep Medicine (2009) (healthysleep.med
.harvard.edu/portal) outlines the following tips for improving your sleep. Review these good
sleep habits to see whether there are areas where you can make small changes for your overall
health. Then complete Exercise 12.1: The Mindful Sleep Checklist.

Avoid caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and other chemicals that interfere with sleep. Caffeine
(found in coffee, tea, chocolate, colas, and pain relievers) is a stimulant that is designed to
keep you awake. Would you be willing to avoid all caffeine products for four hours before
bedtime? The same is true of nicotine (cigarettes, cigars, nicotine gum, vaping, and chewing
tobacco). Don’t smoke or use other nicotine products for four hours before bedtime. You will
likely be making changes to your alcohol use already. This is good news because alcohol use
decreases the quality of your sleep. Would you like to have deeper, more restful sleep?

Make your bedroom more sleep friendly. Bedrooms that are dark, quiet, and cool are better
for inducing sleep. Is your bedroom as dark as it could be? If not, use window blinds or cur-
tains and anything else you can think of to decrease outside light. Earplugs and sleep masks,
sold at your local drugstore, do wonders to decrease sound and light. If your mattress or
pillows are more than ten years old, it may be time to invest in new ones to help you sleep.
208   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

And if your pets keep you up at night or wake you up early in the morning, you may want to
put their beds outside the bedroom. Having lots of electronics in the bedroom can interfere
with sleeping too. Can you move TVs or computers and other work items to another part of
the house? The goal is to make your bedroom a sleep sanctuary for your long-term recovery.

Create a calming presleep habit. If you are energized by the events of the day, you may need
a routine to help you sleep. Reading a book or magazine before bed may better prepare you
for sleep. Practicing one of the mindfulness exercises in this book or using a meditation app
may also help. If you are worried or anxious about a problem, use your journal to write down
the problem, and then close the journal and put it away until the next day. Getting a good
night’s sleep may give you the edge you need to solve that pesky problem. Giving yourself
permission to let go of today’s worries to calm your mind is a healthy recovery step.

Go to bed when you are actually tired. If you are tossing and turning in your attempts to
get to sleep, you’ll probably get more annoyed than sleepy. The general rule is to get out of bed
if you are not asleep after about twenty minutes. Find something soothing to do. Breathing in
a relaxing smell, listening to calm music, or sitting in your meditation pose and focusing on
your breath works wonders. Return to your bed when you feel sleepy again.

Try rotating the face of your alarm clock or phone away from your pillow. Have you ever
found yourself staring at the clock in your bedroom or checking the time on your phone on
the nightstand? Doing this actually makes it more difficult to fall asleep. Turning your alarm
clock or phone away from you will keep you from being tempted to sneak a peek at the time.

Take advantage of the natural light of each day. Make a habit of opening the blinds in your
bedroom each morning. And no matter what you are scheduled to do during your day, make
sure you get outside for a break and to reconnect with the natural light of the day. Getting
into a rhythm will help you feel balanced each day.

Allow yourself to have a regular sleep schedule. This will guarantee improvement in the
quality of your sleep. Going to bed and waking up at the same time each day sets the body’s
“internal clock” to expect sleep at a certain time night after night. As much as possible, try
to stick to your routine on weekends to avoid a Monday-morning sleep hangover. Waking up
at the same time each day is the very best way to set your internal clock, even if you did not
sleep well the night before.

Drink enough water to prevent dehydration. You want to drink enough water to avoid
waking up thirsty. Make sure you have that water two to three hours prior to your bedtime,
in order to have a restful sleep. This way you won’t be awakened by the need to go to the
bathroom.
 Wellness in Recovery   209

You’ll feel better when you exercise. Exercise may help you get to sleep more quickly and
get you into a deeper sleep. The key is to work out earlier in your day or to end your workout
at least three hours before bedtime. Remember to talk to your physician before you take on a
new exercise program. If you haven’t exercised in a while, start slowly and build up as you feel
stronger. The next section of this chapter focuses specifically on exercise and how to jump-
start your exercise program.

For these sleep tips to work for you, the most important thing is to stick with it. Give
yourself four weeks to try one or more of these tips.

EXERCISE 12.1 The Mindful Sleep Checklist

Check three sleep improvement tips below that you are willing to start in the next week.
Commit to trying your three tips and you’ll be on your way to feeling more rested.

I will avoid caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and other chemicals that get in the way of my
sleep.

I will turn my bedroom into a sleep-friendly environment.

I will start a calming presleep habit.

I will go to sleep when I really am tired.

I will stop checking the time on my alarm clock or phone.

I will take advantage of light and nature each day.

I will get on a regular sleep schedule.

I will balance my fluid intake, and drink more water during the day.

I will exercise earlier in the day.

I will stop looking at all screens (phone, computer, iPad, and TV) two hours before
bedtime.
210   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Fitness
Chances are you have thought about starting to exercise again or maybe just improving your
fitness routine. Well, you are in good company. People who exercise regularly report feeling
better and also improve their overall recovery. In Principles of Addiction Medicine, James O.
Prochaska (2009) reports that “physical activity helps manage moods, stress, and distress.
Also, sixty minutes per week of exercise can provide a recovering person with more than fifty
health and mental health benefits.” Physical activity can help your body get rid of stress and
tension by boosting your immune system, which has been worn down by long-term worry and
sadness. Exercise creates a lasting positive effect on your mood and your recovery.
When you start or improve your fitness in this next stage of your life, your body and brain
actually build new connections. Your ability to deal with stress will improve, and so will your
self-esteem. Many recovery centers that include physical activity in their treatment plans
notice that exercise is a healthy replacement for compulsive habits. Exercise might even
reduce any cravings you have. There’s a good chance that your exercise program can replace
the same pleasurable physical experience that your addictive behavior once gave you. If you
decide to join an exercise group, you may notice even more benefits. You will not only have
the added benefit of accountability, but also the built-in encouragement from your team
members. Keeping up with your fitness may greatly decrease the risk of relapse into old addic-
tive behaviors. So, there are both short-term and long-term benefits to committing to your
exercise program.
Some exercises, like yoga, tai chi, Pilates, and martial arts, teach you new skills while
improving your health. Physical and mental skills that include balance, flexibility, and
patience are exactly what recovery from addiction is all about. You may find that these exer-
cises improve the mindfulness skills you learned in previous chapters. Or you may find that
the mindfulness skills have made you ready to start the new journey of trying these different
types of exercises. Basically, you will be rewiring your brain and body to decrease stress and
increase healthy behaviors. Remember to check with your doctor before starting any fitness
program if you have been inactive for a long time.
As you begin or restart your exercise program, you may notice that exercise unites your
mind and body by turning on your internal motivation to be healthier. You may notice a
renewed sense of self-reliance and self-awareness. Take a moment to reflect on where you are
now regarding your fitness level and goals. Visualize yourself following through with your
goals. How does it feel to take an exercise class or start a walking routine? This is the feeling
you can have on a regular basis with a little motivation. Commit to your goals, and the results
will be yours to enjoy!
 Wellness in Recovery   211

Work
Most people don’t think of work as a way to stay healthy. You may have a stressful job or one
where you do not feel valued. You may be doing the work of more than one person. You may
have recently become unemployed. Or, you may be underemployed, working at a job that is
below your skill and education level. There’s a chance that since you have been using mind-
fulness skills, you have renewed energy for your job. Or you may feel that now is a good time
to look for other work, branch out into a new field, or return to school. The purpose of this
section is to help you refresh your connection to the job that you currently have. If you are
looking for work, think of that as a full-time job, and use the following skills as you look for
a job.

How to Make Work Feel Less Like Work

You might find that you spend more time at work than at home. You may spend more
time with coworkers than your own family. Or, you may have switched to working completely
at home and need to find a new type of balance. If this is true, then finding a new way to
relate to your work could be just what you need as you continue your recovery. Below are
eight strategies that you can use to make your work feel less like work. Once you read about
them, you can decide which ones make the most sense for you. A checklist of these strategies
is provided below (see exercise 12.2) so that you can note when you plan to start using them
in your workday. This way, you can begin to create the new you that fits the work that you
do. Are you ready to put some of these practices to work?

Pace yourself. Your work life most likely consists of a fast-paced environment with a big to-do
list that calls for your attention. What would it be like to slow down, breathe, and work at
your own tempo? If you need to take a break, give yourself permission to do so. Getting out
of your chair and walking around may be the ticket to better, more targeted productivity.
Remember, getting outside for fifteen minutes of natural light does wonders for your mood.
Give it a try.

Suspend judgment. Chances are you are pretty hard on yourself when it comes to work. This
new way of working requires you to be kinder to yourself. Less self-criticism may free you up
to focus on your work in a new way. It’s like feeling the warmth of the sun after days of gloomy
weather. There is a lightness that takes over you and your mind. This is the perfect environ-
ment for getting back to the task at hand.

Brain food is allowed. Earlier in the chapter, you reviewed the importance of nutrition for
optimal recovery. Well, good nutrition is also important to how you feel at work each day. Of
212   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

course, you may have relied on coffee or sugar in the past to get you over that afternoon
hump. Now, you will be introducing the concept of eating well for your workday success. Now
is the time to put into practice the new food choices and healthy snacks you have been think-
ing about trying. Remember to drink water throughout your workday too.

Change your mind. Negative beliefs about work may have been the norm in the past. You
may even have coworkers, in person or on Zoom calls, who bring a cloud of negativity to your
work each day. You won’t be able to change your coworkers’ negative attitudes, but you can
certainly change your own! Use one of your mindfulness practices to calm your mind at work
or before a Zoom meeting. Add a positive message to your desk or workstation, something
that lifts your spirits—for instance, Today I let go of stress and breathe in calm. Glance at it
many times a day.

Be imperfect. Instead of beating yourself up to make things perfect, be imperfect. The point
is to do the task at hand to the best of your ability, and then take a break from it. You can
always go back and take another look at it. You can also ask a trusted coworker for feedback
about the task. Give yourself a chance to go back to the task with a fresh outlook and a calm
mind. Take three deep breaths when you feel frustrated or stuck.

Follow your intuition. When you are struggling at work to complete an assignment or make
a deadline, it’s easy to lose track of your intuition. Intuition is your gut feeling about some-
thing. Your intuition is an important guide in deciding what to do, especially what to do next.
Listening to your intuition will naturally provide you with that calm guidance to finish your
tasks. It will also help you decide which project or job is right for you in recovery.

Erase distractions. Distractions are the number-one time killer. Distractions at work can
really derail you and waste precious time and resources. Make an effort to notice when you
are distracted, and bring yourself back to the task. Notice your feelings and thoughts about
the task. Accept the thoughts and feelings as a normal part of work, and refocus on the task.
You may need to do this many times a day until it becomes natural. You may also need to
limit responding to emails, texts, and phone calls to truly focus on your work at hand.

Return to mindfulness practice. Last but not least, use your mindfulness tools at work every
day. Starting your workday with a five-minute mindfulness meditation can set the stage for a
productive day. Take a break at lunch and do another short mindfulness exercise. The more
you can weave mindfulness into your workday, the greater the chance your day will flow—
and the less it will feel like work.
Give yourself the opportunity to practice one or more of these techniques and jot down
how your workday changes.
 Wellness in Recovery   213

EXERCISE 12.2 Work as a Gift

Here are the eight ways to make work seem less like work. In the middle column, check
which methods you are willing to try to improve your workday. In the right-hand column,
note the date you plan to start using that method. Once you set your date, you are on
your way to trying new tools at your workplace (or at home). (Visit http://newharbinger.
com/48107 to download the checklist.) Remember, these tools support your recovery and
help you build long-term work health. Don’t forget to use your journal to jot down improve-
ments you notice at work.

Eight ways to make work seem less I’m willing Date I will start this
like work to try this

I will pace myself.

I will suspend judgment.

I will eat foods that are good for my

brain.

I will change my negative beliefs.

I will be imperfect.

I will follow my intuition.

I will erase distractions.

I will return to mindful practice.

Good job bringing a little calm to your workday. Keep this checklist at your desk or work-
station to remind you of how you can enjoy your work more. Now you will switch gears to
focus a little more on fun. What a great way to balance your recovery!
214   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Fun
Let’s face it, there was probably a time when fun came naturally to you. Like many folks who
have been addicted to a substance or a harmful behavior, you may have found that fun
became intimately linked to drinking, doing drugs, or engaging in some other harmful behav-
ior. Now, without those old behaviors, you have to figure out exactly how to have fun again.
It might even feel weird to think about having fun when you have just experienced a loss or
remembered a significant past loss. Are people allowed to have fun after experiencing a loss?
What would it feel like to have fun and joy in your life again? The playful parts of you are still
there, just waiting for permission to show themselves.
Improving your mood in recovery comes from increasing the activities that you find
enjoyable. Engaging in enjoyable activities may be another way to decrease your stress levels.
Since you have most likely not engaged in pleasant activities in some time, the best strategy
is to actually schedule the pleasant activity. It’s easy to just say, “That’s a good idea. I’ll do that
later.” Scheduling the event holds you accountable to creating your own joy right now.
One way to figure out what’s fun for you is to take a look at the following list of pleasant
activities. Most of them are simple things that you may have liked to do in the past but have
forgotten about, and most are free or very low cost. Also, you can do most of them in a short
time. The main message here is that the activity has to be enjoyable to you, not something
you think you should do. It may take you a few tries to find the things that you enjoy now. If
you try something and find it less than enjoyable, choose something else right away. One
pleasant activity a day is the best way to jump-start this new positive habit. Don’t give up on
your joyful recovery!

EXERCISE 12.3 Pleasant Activities List

To bring a little fun back into your life, read the list below and put a check mark in the
middle column of any activities that you enjoy or have enjoyed in the past. Once you have
gone through the list, go back and fill in the third column with the date you plan to start the
activity. The list is not in any particular order. There may be things that you like to do that
are not listed here. Space is provided for you to write in five other pleasurable activities that
may be helpful in your recovery. (If you prefer, visit http://www.newharbinger.com/48107
to download the “Pleasant Activities List.”)
 Wellness in Recovery   215

Pleasant activity I enjoy Date I will start

this this activity
activity

Go for a drive.

Ride a bike.

Rearrange a room.

Clean my office.

Go to a park.

Learn or play a musical instrument.

Volunteer at a local organization.

Help a neighbor.

Do artwork.

Go to the local gardens.

Take time to meditate or sit quietly.

Plan a vacation or a staycation.

Read an inspirational story.

Sit next to a fire in my fireplace.

Take a bath.

Read a book or magazine.

Listen to relaxing music.

Cook for a friend.

Work on my car.

Finish an assignment.
216   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Pleasant activity I enjoy Date I will start

this this activity
activity

Listen to a podcast.

Go to or listen to a religious service or spiritual

gathering.

Start to learn a new language.

Bake cookies.

Go to a meeting or join an online meeting.

Do yard work or repot my plants.

Play with my pet.

Soak up the sunshine.

Visit a museum.

Give someone a gift.

Watch sports.

Join a book club.

Get a massage.

Go to the local zoo.

Go out to take photographs.

Talk to a friend or family member on the phone.

Renew my financial goals.

Do odd jobs around my home.

Go to a new restaurant.

Get up early in the morning.

 Wellness in Recovery   217

Pleasant activity I enjoy Date I will start

this this activity
activity

Write in my journal.

Go for a swim.

Go for a walk around the neighborhood.

Play catch with a kid.

Walk barefoot.

Start a new project.

Sit outside and people-watch.

Cook a new recipe.

Sell my items that I no longer need, or take them

to charity.

Go outside at night to look at the stars.

Great job! Remember to schedule your pleasant activity into your week. Keep it simple
and doable. You are now in charge of your fun!
218   Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction, 2nd edition

Conclusion
Congratulations for choosing to improve one or more of the five key areas of life discussed in
this chapter. Improving your nutrition, getting better sleep, increasing your exercise, enjoying
your work, and adding more pleasant activities into your week are the keys to continuing your
successful recovery. Acknowledge yourself for what you have accomplished. Remember, the
mindfulness skills you learned and practiced throughout this workbook have set the stage for
your ongoing success. The decisions you make now will help you further your recovery and
increase your sense of well-being in the future.
We are so proud of you for choosing your recovery and wellness. You can return to this
workbook whenever things feel out of balance or you just need a reminder to refocus on your
emotional, physical, and spiritual health. With regular practice, the skills you have learned in
these pages will last a lifetime. And the skills can be used to tackle any stressor that may
come your way. If you are looking for additional support in your recovery, take a look at our
pocket companion, The Gift of Recovery: 52 Mindful Ways to Live Joyfully Beyond Addiction
(New Harbinger Publications). You deserve to be well and find all the gifts that life has to
offer. We wish you all the best on your resilient journey. You are well on your way to achieving
your goals and dreams!
 Acknowledgments

W e are grateful to the many therapists and treatment centers around the world that
continue to embrace mindfulness in addiction recovery by offering their clients our
workbook.
We would like to thank Jennye Garibaldi and her team at New Harbinger Publications,
who gently guided us through the process of writing the updated second edition of this work-
book. A special thank you to Jean Blomquist, our copyeditor, who helped us improve our
workbook so it’s easy to understand and even easier to use. New Harbinger’s commitment to
providing reader-friendly workbooks for living a healthier and more meaningful life is unpar-
alleled. A clinical office without New Harbinger’s workbooks is like a city without its
landmarks.
To the many clients we have worked with over the years: you have taught us what we
need to know about addiction, loss, and the true beauty of recovery. We write for you and for
everyone like you who is ready to heal.
 References

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Rebecca E. Williams, PhD, is an award-winning author, psychologist, and wellness expert
specializing in healthy recovery from mental illness, addiction, and life challenges. Her work
focuses on building resilience and promoting well-being. Rebecca is coauthor of The Gift of
Recovery. After more than twenty years as a clinic director at the VA San Diego Healthcare
System and associate clinical professor at the University of California, San Diego School of
Medicine; she has turned her focus to healing and empowering health care professionals
through her books, podcasts, and webinars.

Julie S. Kraft, MA, LMFT, is an award-winning author, and a licensed marriage and family
therapist specializing in recovery from addiction, anxiety, depression, and challenging rela-
tionships. She was adjunct professor at the University of San Diego’s School of Leadership
and Education Sciences until relocating to the San Francisco Bay Area in 2018. Julie is coau-
thor of The Gift of Recovery. She has spoken at several addiction conferences and is a frequent
guest on podcasts, but her greatest joy is treating clients in her private practice and seeing
them find greater peace, joy, and fulfillment.
 ABOUT US
Founded by psychologist Matthew McKay and Patrick
Fanning, New Harbinger has published books that
promote wellness in mind, body, and spirit for more than
forty-five years.

Our proven-effective self-help books and pioneering

workbooks help readers of all ages and backgrounds
make positive lifestyle changes, improve mental health
and well-being, and achieve meaningful personal growth.
In addition, our spirituality books offer profound
guidance for deepening awareness and cultivating
healing, self-discovery, and fulfillment.

New Harbinger is proud to be an independent and

employee-owned company, publishing books that reflect
its core values of integrity, innovation, commitment,
sustainability, compassion, and trust. Written by leaders
in the field and recommended by therapists worldwide,
New Harbinger books are practical, reliable, and provide
real tools for real change.

newharbingerpublications
also by the authors

The Gift of Recovery offers 52 in-the-moment

mindfulness skills to help you cope with daily
stress and stay grounded in your recovery.

ISBN: 978-1684030705 / US $17.95

1-800-748-6273 / newharbinger.com
 FROM OUR PUBLISHER—
As the publisher at New Harbinger and a clinical psychologist since 1978, I know that
emotional problems are best helped with evidence-based therapies. These are the treatments
derived from scientific research (randomized controlled trials) that show what works.
Whether these treatments are delivered by trained clinicians or found in a self-help book,
they are designed to provide you with proven strategies to overcome your problem.

Therapies that aren’t evidence-based—whether offered by clinicians or in books—are much

less likely to help. In fact, therapies that aren’t guided by science may not help you at all. That’s
why this New Harbinger book is based on scientific evidence that the treatment can relieve
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This is important: if this book isn’t enough, and you need the help of a skilled therapist, use
the following resources to find a clinician trained in the evidence-based protocols appropriate
for your problem. And if you need more support—a community that understands what you’re
going through and can show you ways to cope—resources for that are provided below, as well.

Real help is available for the problems you have been struggling with. The skills you can
learn from evidence-based therapies will change your life.

Matthew McKay, PhD

Publisher, New Harbinger Publications

If you need a therapist, the following organizations can help you:

Find a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

The Association for Behavioral & Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) Find-a-Therapist service offers a list of
therapists schooled in CBT techniques. Therapists listed are licensed professionals who have met the
membership requirements of ABCT and who have chosen to appear in the directory.
Please visit www.abct.org and click on Find a Therapist.

Find a therapist trained in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS)
Please visit www.contextualscience.org and click on Find an ACT Therapist.

Find a therapist trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

Behavioral Tech, LLC
Please visit www.behavioraltech.org and click on Find a DBT Therapist.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 24 hours a day 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

For more new harbinger books, visit www.newharbinger.com

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SELF-HELP A NEW HARBINGER SELF-HELP WORKBOOK

The Mindfulness
Break the Addiction Cycle with 10 TH
This Powerful Workbook—
Now Fully Revised & Updated!
The ANNIVERSARY
EDITION

If you struggle with addiction, know that you are not alone. Addictive
behaviors are often the result of loss—the loss of a job, the death of a loved
one, or even the end of a romantic relationship. You may have turned to alcohol,
Mindfulness
Workbook for
drugs, or other unhealthy behaviors to avoid the pain of loss. But this often only

Workbook for Addiction

delays the healing process, and can ultimately lead to a destructive cycle that
leaves you feeling trapped. So, how can you break free?

Addiction
This new edition of The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction will help you
identify the root cause of your addictive behaviors, while providing healthy
coping strategies to deal with the stress, anxiety, and depression that can come
from experiencing a loss. This edition also explores the strong connection
between mental health and addiction recovery, and offers new guided
meditations to help you fully process the difficult emotions at the heart of S E CO N D E D I T I O N
your addiction, so you can finally move forward in your life.

This workbook will help you:

“Warm, practical, 3 Determine the function your addiction is serving A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress &
and relatable.” 3 Develop healthy coping skills for dealing with loss
—Yael Schonbrun, PhD,
cohost of the Psychologists
3
3
Find relief from intense emotions
Avoid addiction “triggers”
Anger That Trigger Addictive Behaviors
Off the Clock podcast
3 Heal broken relationships and build a support system

SECOND
EDITION
REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, PhD, is an award-winning author, psychologist, and wellness expert
specializing in healthy recovery from mental illness, addiction, and life challenges. Her work focuses
on building resilience and promoting well-being throughout life.
JULIE S. KRAFT, MA, LMFT, is an award-winning author, and a licensed marriage and family
therapist specializing in recovery from addiction, anxiety, depression, and challenging relationships.
She is grateful for the chance to help clients find greater peace, joy, and fulfillment. AN
WILLIAMS INTEGRATIVE
REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, PhD
KRAFT

APPROACH
USING ACT,
JULIE S. KRAFT, MA, LMFT
CBT & DBT
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