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A Better Approach to
Networking
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Move from “small talk” to “deep talk.” by Christie Hunter Arscott

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A Better Approach to
Networking

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Move from “small talk” to “deep talk.” by Christie Hunter Arscott
Published on HBR.org / November 04, 2022 / Reprint H07C3Y

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PM Images/Getty Images

Do you shy away from talking to new people at networking events?

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Have you ever walked into the room and felt a tightness in your chest as
you stood there, sweating, wondering what to say? Most of us can relate
to some version of this experience. Meeting strangers — especially in
the context of work — is uncomfortable. Just the thought of networking
can provoke discomfort and anxiety.
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This is because, as humans, we have an innate need to be liked.

Research shows we even have a tendency to connect our self-worth to

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the number of people who like us. Those of us who have a high need of
approval place great importance on interpersonal relationships, and the
thought of failing to make a great impression is stressful.

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Many people also struggle with performance anxiety — the fear of
failing to do something well and the consequences that will follow as
a result. In the case of networking, we may be afraid that we will say
the wrong thing, forget what we were going to say, or stumble over our
words. Coupled with the need for approval, this can put us on edge and

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promote high levels of tension.

While we can’t predict who will like us, there is one thing that is
in our sphere of control — managing our performance anxiety. One
easy way to do this, while cultivating meaningful relationships and
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improving your odds of likeability, is asking more questions. People who
approach conversations with a curious mindset and ask more questions,
particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation
partners and tend to build stronger connections.
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It’s a trick that has served me throughout my career, and you can use it
too.

Focus on what you want to ask (not just what you want to say)

In the summer of 2019, I developed and delivered a weeklong class, She

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Leads: A Real-World Readiness Program, for female students in their

final years of high school in Bermuda. The program addressed a range
of topics, including a lecture titled “Nerves and Networking: Making
the Connections That Matter.” After listening to all of their worries
surrounding networking, I asked the students to make one change:
approach networking with a spirit of inquiry and curiosity.
Do

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Instead of preparing what they would say when meeting someone
new or how they would respond to questions from a stranger, I
told them to focus on what they would ask in those same scenarios.
Through multiple practice sessions, the nerves they associated with

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networking noticeably reduced. They felt more comfortable striking up
conversations.

My observation isn’t limited to just this program. I teach this skill to the
individuals I coach, mentor, and advise to similarly help reduce their

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anxiety. Every time, I see them gain more confidence in their ability to
make and maintain new connections.

Move from “small talk” to “deep talk.”

When you connect with someone new, your natural inclination may be
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to ask standard small-talk questions like “What do you do?” or “Where
are you from?” However, recent research builds a compelling case to dig
deeper.
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While many people believe that intense chats should be reserved for
close friends, studies show that this belief is misguided. In comparison
to “small talk,” intimate conversations are correlated with higher levels
of happiness. We tend to underestimate how much other people,
and especially first-time contacts, might enjoy and find satisfaction
in meaningful conversation. In a dozen experiments with roughly
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1,800 people — from business executives to visitors in public parks —

researchers found that participants were more content and connected
than they expected after having relatively deep conversations with
people they had just met.

When meeting someone new, here are some conversational swaps you
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can make:

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• What do you do? ⇒ How do you deliver value to others through your
work? What problems do you help others solve? What aspects of your
work do you most enjoy and why? What do you least enjoy and why?
What gives you the most meaning, satisfaction and joy at work? What

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aspects energize and excite you?
• What is your current role? ⇒ What roles and positions have led you to
where you are today? Which ones were critical in your journey?
• Where are you from? ⇒ What places have you lived in and traveled to
during your educational and career journey? Which ones have helped

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shape your trajectory? Which was your favorite and why?

Here are a few additional questions to try:

• What are you most looking forward to in your career? What is the next
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thing you want to cross off of your career bucket list?
• What’s the most daring thing you’ve done in your career?
• When have you failed? What did you learn?
• What’s the most influential and impactful piece of career advice you’ve
ever received? How did it shape your approach?
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• What’s top of mind for you right now? Is there any type of support you
need right now?
• What was the highlight of your week? What’s been going well? What’s
been going not so well? What challenges have you been grappling
with?
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While the research doesn’t suggest throwing all caution to the wind, it
does suggests that: “The person next to you would probably be happier
talking about their passions and purpose than the weather and “what’s
up.”
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Don’t let anxiety stop you from making new connections. This
avoidance can be a career-limiting and potentially career-stalling move.
If you go in with a curious mindset and come prepared with a few ask

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questions, you can build more authentic connections with people while
keeping your fears at bay. Questions are a powerful way to catalyze
connectivity at this foundational point in your career. The deeper the
question, the deeper connection.

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This article was originally published online on November 04, 2022.

Christie Hunter Arscott is an award-winning advisor, speaker, and

author of the book Begin Boldly: How Women Can Reimagine Risk,

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Embrace Uncertainty, and Launch A Brilliant Career. A Rhodes
Scholar, Christie has been named by Thinkers50 as one of the top
management thinkers likely to shape the future of business.
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Copyright © 2022 Harvard Business School Publishing. All rights reserved. 5

This document is authorized for educator review use only by Ariela Morgenstern, Haas School of Business until Aug 2022. Copying or posting is an infringement of copyright.
[email protected] or 617.783.7860