Klaus Kontanoble-King of Kustard

12th Level Jester

Tiefling Male Chaotic Neutral
S - 12
D - 19
C - 10
I - 17
W - 16
Ch- 15

Age: 35 Weight: 250 Height: 5'3''

Hair: Blue Afro Eyes: Green Skin: Powder White
Description: Klaus is a jolly looking fellow with rosy cheeks, a red bulbous nose
and a fat belly. He is always dressed in a stained cook's apron and uniform
with a chef's hat pulled over his afro. He is almost constantly eating some sort
of sweets of his own creation.

Weapons:
Cleaver of Sharpness +3
Cooking Knife +4
Rolling Pin +2
Pummeling (1 slot)

Armor:
Klaus' Apron of Kompetent Kooking A.C.: 4
Fool's Luck +1
Dexterity Bonus +4
Klaus' Cap of Kuality Kuisine +3 to A.C.
Klaus' Kollar of Konstant Kleanliness

Proficiencies:
Cooking (2)
Artistic Ability-Confectionaries
Spell craft
Tumbling
Juggling
Jumping

Klaus' Krazy Kustard Pie

Level 1 [Conjuration]

Range: 40 yds. + 5 yds./level

Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: 1 creature
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1
Saving Throw: Neg.

With this spell the caster conjures a gooey custard pie which he can hurl at one creature within range. The
caster must roll to hit the creature, ignoring its armor, but Dexterity and magical bonuses apply. If the
caster hits, the pie has struck the creature in the face, and the creature must make a saving throw versus
spell, or be blinded. The creature must spend 1d3 rounds clearing its face.

The target is unlikely to appreciate this, especially if the caster gloats. The material component for this
spell is a small amount of custard, which is consumed in the casting. Being hit alone is enough to disrupt
spell casting.

Klaus' Kulinary Kustard Kreation

Level 1 [Conjuration]

Range: 1 foot/level
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: 1 4-inch cube/level
Components: V
Casting Time: 1
Saving Throw: Neg.

This spell creates about 60 cubic inches of custard per caster level - useful for getting hold of components
for other Kustard spells.

Klaus' Kustard Kleanup

Level 1 [Conjuration]

Range: 1 foot/level
Duration: 1 round
Area of Effect: 5 feet/level radius
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1
Saving Throw: None

This spell is cast on a container, and over the duration of the spell all the custard within range of the
container is drawn in towards it. Custard securely contained elsewhere will not be able to move, and
custard behind solid objects may take some time to get around them; otherwise all custard in range will
probably be in the container (space permitting) within twenty seconds or so. The container can be moved
around to pick up custard from a larger area. This spell would be useful for clearing up laboratories after
failed attempts to research other custard spells. The container used will disappear at the end of the spell's
duration, since it is the material component of the spell.

Klaus' Konvincing Kounterfeit Kustard

Level 2 [Alteration]

Range: 0
Duration: 2 hours + 1 hour/level
Area of Effect: Lump of custard touched
Components: S, M
Casting Time: 2
Saving Throw: None
The spell turns an equivalent volume of custard into 50 gold pieces per caster level. The gold created is
perfect in all respects, other than the suspicious taste of custard. Note the spell's duration, though.

Klaus' Kunningly Krafted Kustard Pie

Level 2 [Conjuration]

Range: 200 yards

Duration: 10 rounds
Area of Effect: 1 creature
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 2
Saving Throw: Neg.

This spell is similar to Klaus' krazy kustard pie, but it is capable of homing unerringly on its target's visual
apparatus, even rounding obstacles, however far the target flees. It flies at speed 30, attacks with the
caster's THAC0 and can turn back for one attack every round until it hits, is destroyed or the spell expires.
It has AC 7 and will disintegrate on taking 4 points of damage. Naturally, trying to evade the pie disrupts
spellcasting.

Klaus' Kustard Koloured Kollage

Level 2 [Alteration]

Range: 0
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One 5x15x30 foot wedge
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 2
Saving Throw: Special

The material component of this spell is a blob of custard in each hand. When cast, 1d6 + 1 per level
curling, intertwining layers of custard burst forth from the caster's fingertips. The streams can first be aimed
at multiple targets if desired. Any creature hit by the custard must save versus spell or suffer the effects of
Klaus' krazy kustard pie, and in any case is knocked down if hit by enough custard (tiny sized creatures
will always be knocked down by one stream, small two, medium by four, large by eight, giant by sixteen).
Subtract 20% chance per stream below the required number, and 10% for each extra leg beyond two
possessed by the target creature.

Klaus' Kollar of Konstant Kleanliness

Level 2 [Alteration]

Range: 0
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One individual
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 2
Saving Throw: neg.

This spell creates a clownish ruff around the recipient's neck that causes all foreign substances to simply
slide off their bodies. They will only be affected by one round of acid damage on initial contact as it will
have slid off the next round. This applies to things like Mimic glue, Green Slime, and other nasty things
that like to stick to adventurers' and do damage. The material component is a custard colored ribbon tied
around the recipient's neck.

Klaus' Kustard Kompanion

Level 3 [Conjuration, Enchantment]
Range: 10 Feet
Duration: 1 day+ 1 day/ level
Area of Effect: 1 vat of custard
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 3 turns
Saving Throw: nil

This spell summons a minor elemental into a vat of custard, thus animating the desert. The kustard
kompanion is under the control of the caster and can perform a variety of tasks to assist the caster. The
kompanion has 2 hit dice (10 hit points), an A.C. of 5, a thaco of 18, and can either attack with a simple
weapon once per round or use the spell KLAUS' KRAZY KUSTARD PIE at the same rate. The kustard
kompanion moves at a rate of 6 and has ability scores all equaling 10. Kompanions reduced to 0 hit points
are destroyed.

Klaus' Kustard Kafuffle

Level 3 [Alteration]
Range: 10 yards+ 10 yards/level
Duration: Instantaneous Blast / 1d10 turns of slickness
Area of Effect: 30' cube +5'/ level
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 3
Saving Throw: Negation

This spell causes a minimum of one half gallon of custard to explode with a loud bang. Those in the
affected area must make two saves. The first is a save versus paralysis to avoid being stunned for 1d2+1
rounds by the explosion and the second is to avoid being blinded for 1d4 rounds by custard in the eyes.

The slickness of the custard also hinders movement in the area. If a character attempts normal movement
in the affected area, they must save versus paralysis every 5' or fall and take 1d6 damage. Getting up
requires a similar check. People and creatures moving at half their normal movement are safe, but those
running fall automatically and take 1 point of extra falling damage if tiny, 1d2 if small, 1d4 if man sized, 1d6
if large, 1d8 if huge, and 1d10 extra if colossal.

Forceball
Level 3 [Alteration]
Range: 10 yards+ 10 yards/level
Duration: Instantaneous Blast
Area of Effect: 20' radius
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 3
Saving Throw: For half damage and maintaining balance/keeping feet

This spell, while numerically similar to fireball, is a completely different animal. It does force damage to all
within the area of effect equal to 1d4 damage per caster level (maximum of 12d4). Creatures caught in the
blast must save versus magic or take full damage, loose their balance, and fall over or are dismounted.
Successful savers take only half and keep their feet. Those that lose their feet are knocked back 1d2 x10'
away from the center of the blast and take the appropriate falling damage.

The material component for this spell is a glass bead. If the bead is colored, the forceball will take on the
coloring of the bead used.

Klaus' Kaleidoscopic Kustard Konfection

Level 4 [Illusion, Enchantment/Charm]

Range: 30 yards+5 yards/3 caster levels

Duration: Initial pattern 3 rounds/ Charm effect as Charm Person Spell
Area of Effect: 3 individuals/ caster level
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 4
Saving Throw: Special

The material component of this spell is a blob of custard in each hand along with a kaleidoscope which is
not consumed by casting. When cast, one deliciously psychedelic looking illusory custard pie appears in
each hand and all within range must make a save versus spell or become completely focused on the multi-
colored radiation emanating from them. If the save fails, the creature must have a piece of the pie! When
the effected creatures start eating the pie, they will have to make another save vs. spell. If this save fails,
the creatures will begin fighting one another over who gets a piece of the pie. Those who make this save
remember friend from foe, but remain fixated on the swirling light coming from the pie. Those who fail
attack anyone attempting to eat a piece and will release the most potent attack available to them on
transgressors.

Klaus' Kustard Kwicksand

Level 4 [Alteration, ]

Range: 60 yards+ 5 yards/ level

Duration: 1 turn + 5 rounds per level
Area of Effect: 30 foot square + 5 feet/ level
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 4
Saving Throw: neg.

This spell is to be cast upon a layer of kustard spread upon the ground. When a being walks upon the
kustard (hopefully barefoot), they will start to sink into the gooey dessert. A save vs. spell prevents the
creature from being mired, but failure causes them to become immobilized. If they fight, they will sink into
the Kustard at 2' per round. If they don't fight it, they will sink at a rate of 1/2' per round. Once they have
sunk entirely into the kwicksand, they must hold their breath until the spells duration elapses or they are
rescued. If they run out of breath, they die.
If someone wishes to pull them free, the rescuer must succeed at a modified strength check (adjusted by
the DM in accordance with the trapped persons weight). This allows another check to be rolled. If the
trapped persons body is over 1/4 sunk the roll is made at a -2, 1/2 is made at -4, 3/4 is made at -6, and
completely sunk is made at -8. If the strength check fails, the character must make a dexterity check or fall
into the kustard themselves and suffer the effects.
The material component is a thin (maybe 1/2" layer) of kustard spread on the area to be effected. Any
surface can be effected, but the sinking times are doubled for walls and quintupled for ceilings, except that
to get sucked in headfirst would be very lethal.

Remote Access
Level 4 [Alteration]

Range: 10 yards/level
Duration: 1D10 rounds + 1 round per caster level
Area of Effect: Special
Components: S, M
Casting Time: 3
Saving Throw: Special

This spell allows its caster to reach a distant opponent or object. When it is cast, a small magical window
appears at a selected location within the spell's range. In the following round, the spell caster can either
strike through this window with a melee, missile weapon, spell or pull an object back through it. The
window may be placed anywhere the caster chooses, so rear attack bonuses may be applicable, including
a thief's backstab bonuses. If the caster is a mage/thief, he can attempt a Pick Pockets through the
opening, although the roll is made at a -15% penalty. Objects of up to 1 lb. per level of the caster can be
drawn back through the window. An attempt to retrieve an object currently being held by an opponent
requires a successful disarm roll to succeed. In the event of a successful attack, the target is allowed a
opposing strength check to retain possession of the object.

The window is normally visible only to the spell's caster, though a character using true sight or a similar
spell can identify its location. In any event, no one else may attack through the opening, and the caster
may only launch one attack per round through it. Any attacks made through the opening must be physical.
No spells of any kind can pass through the window. The window cannot be reoriented after its initial
placement, so if a target moves between the time of the spell's casting and the caster's attack, the attack
might fail.

This window can be opened to locations that the caster cannot currently see, but it provides no illumination
of its own for viewing such areas. This spell could be used to grab something out of an unopened
container, if the container is large enough to hold the casters hand plus whatever is currently in it. Players
should note that blind grabs into chests can be dangerous. This spell can be used to strike someone on
the other side of a wall of force or similar barrier.

The material component of this spell is a miniature hand carved of ivory worth 25 gp. It is destroyed in the
casting of the spell.

Klaus' Kustard Kamouflage

Level 4 [Alteration]

Range: 10 yards/level
Duration: 1D10 rounds + 1 round per caster level
Area of Effect: Special
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 3
Saving Throw: Special

This spell allows the caster or another being touched by the caster at the completion of the spell to be able
to enter an extra-dimensional space by using custard as a portal. Any custard in the spells range can
serve as a door out of the space. While inside, the individual can see out of all of the custard portals and
can even call out of them and be heard. Once one is exited though, the spell is over. If the portals are
consumed or washed away, the being in the custard space either has to enter back into the prime through
the custard in someone's stomach (damage left up to the DM) or remain in the space until the duration
elapses. When the time is up, the occupant will be expelled back into the prime material plane (80%
chance) or dumped into another random plane.

Klaus' Kustard Konjuring Kookbook

Description: This medium sized book is covered in custard colored leather

with platinum gilt and white gold hardware. It is held shut with a -50%
masterwork combination lock that has 20 numbers on it written in Celestial. It
contains 250 pages. 170 or so pages are dedicated to magical spells and a
modicum of minor research notes. Another 70 pages are full of recipes (some
of which use magical ingredients to great effect).

First Level
① Klaus' Krazy Kustard Pie
② Klaus' Kullinary Kustard Kreation
③ Klaus' Kustard Kleanup
④ Affect Normal Fires
⑤ Audible Glamer
⑥ Detect Magic
⑦ Identify
⑧ Read Magic
⑨ Mending
⑩ Comprehend Languages
⑪ Spidereyes (PFTM)
⑫ Color (PFTM)
⑬ Alter Instrument (TCBHB)
⑭ Lightning Bug (VGTATM)

Second Level
① Klaus' Konvincing Kounterfeit Kustard
② Klaus' Kunningly Krafted Kustard Pie
③ Klaus' Kustard Kolored Kollage
④ Klaus' Kollar of Konstant Kleanliness
⑤ Detect Invisibility
⑥ ESP
⑦ Improved Phantasmal Force
⑧ Locate Oblect
⑨ Mirror Image
⑩ Strength
⑪ Quimby's Enchanting Gourmet(PFTM)
⑫ Forceweave (PFTM)
⑬ Flash (PFTM)
⑭ Circle Dance (PFTM)

Third Level
① Klaus' Kustard Kompanion
② Klaus' Kustard Kafuffle
③ Tongues
④ Clairaudience
⑤ Clairvoyance
⑥ Dispel Magic
⑦ Forceball
⑧ Fly
⑨ Item
⑩ Waterbreathing
⑪ Hover (PFTM)
⑫ Skywrite (PFTM)
⑬ Shadowbolt (PFTM)
⑭ Instant Audience (TCBHB)

Fourth Level
① Klaus' Kaleidoscopic Kustard Konfection
② Klaus' Kustard Kwicksand
③ Klaus' Kustard Kamoflage
④ Remote Access
⑤ Charm Monster
⑥ Dimension Door
⑦ Dig
⑧ Hallucinatory Terrain
⑨ Ice Storm
⑩ Stone Skin
⑪ Remove Curse
⑫ Backlash
⑬ Hail Cone
⑭ Nautical Ball Lightning

Kustard Kadence

I'm Klaus the King of Kustard

The King of Kustard I be
My pies fly like bustards
To mar your livery

Kustard Kustard Kustard

Kustard Kustard klat
I love the sound of kustard
Going Splat! Splat! Splat!

Don't get frightened or excited

Upset or flustered
Woebegone or desolate
Have a taste of Kustard!

There are people who are stupid

There are those not too bright
For those so slow of thought
They get hit with Kustard Pies!

When I think of Kustard

I let out a little chirp
Then I start to drool
Stutter, stammer, fart, and burp!

Oh, my favorite kustard!

How I do love you so!
To eat you every day
I work quid pro quo

Quanabana, Creampuff
Lemon Meringue Pie
There are many, many different ways
To get Kustard in your eyes!

Cherimolla, Cherimoya
Chou and Chocolate pudding too!
There is a variety of things
Rich in Kustard goo!

Flan, Flummery, Trifle

Zabaglione
I love you! Love you! Kustard
For your my one and only!

I make Kustard for myself

I make Kustard for my friends
And to those so far away
A pie to them I send

Kustard Konqueror
People come
 And people go
But heroes are forever
What we reap
We have sewn
Heroes understand this endeavor
Challenges faced
And overcome
With all the courage they can muster
Some eat well
And others starve
But this hero is powered by custard!

Hollandaise

The sauce thickens. I add more butter,

slowly. Sometimes we drank the best wine

while we cooked for friends,

knowing nothing could go wrong,

the soufflé would rise, the custard set,

the cheese be ripe. we imagined

we were reckless but we were just happy,

and good at our work. the cookbook is firm:

it is safer not go over two ounces

of butter for each egg yolk. I try to describe

to myself how we could have been safer,

what we exceeded. If the sauce "turns"

there are things to be done, steps

to be taken that are not miraculous,

that assume the failed ingredients,

that assume a willing suspension of despair.

One-liners
"Although beauty may be skin deep, many have drowned there."
 "Love is in the palm of the hand; you just have to unclench the fist."

"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket."

"A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind"

"Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today"

"Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing"

"Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own"

"He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory"

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most
words"

"I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works"

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others"

"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"

"Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday."

"See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome."

"Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!"

"I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!"

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
 He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm; any more in the litter?

I know you are nobody's fool; but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's/he's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - be abstinent!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
 I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than
none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned
how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing
alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much
vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma;
your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

You spent so much time trying to get rid of your bad breath that you had only to find out that
you are not popular anyway.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when
one gets to know you better, one hates you.

I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only
way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of the
guardhouse while she turned herself in.

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the
undertaker.

People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

When you get to the jakes, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go
right on in.

The only thing you ever make is people leave the room.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a copper and square the
account?

I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to a werewolf.

No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

"Cormyr is the only nation in history which has miraculously gone directly from barbarism to
degeneration without the usual interval of civilization"

It is easy to be brave from a safe distance!

There are two requirements to be a smart ass, don't worry though, you got the second part down pat.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take
off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man
says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and
the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did.
By the way, you have a nice house!"