Chapter 4

Signs of Lingering Unforgiveness

Sometimes unforgiveness lingers on and on, even long after the offence has been committed. People
even bear grudges against dead relatives and enemies. It is a dangerous condition!! What are the signs
of lingering unforgiveness?
1. Malice
According to Ephesians 4: 31, one of the signs of unforgiveness is malice.
...and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice.
“Malice” according to the dictionary means, “a desire to harm others”.
When Brother “A” does something against you, and you have the desire to harm or hurt him, that is
malice. The desire to harm others shows you that you haven’t forgiven the offender. When you
have truly forgiven, you won’t desire to harm the person. Do you think God desires to harm you? Can
you imagine what would happen to you if ever God should decide to harm you?
If you are a wife and you have a secret desire to harm or punish your husband, then that is malice.
Sometimes wives punish their husbands by denying them sex. Some women cannot “commit” love
with their husbands because of something they did. I have heard some women complain, “I can’t bring
myself to take off my clothes and do this with him. I’ll go crazy if I have to sleep with him again.”
Once you feel this way, you have not forgiven.
One way you can tell that you have not forgiven, is when you feel uncomfortable at the mention of
the offender’s name. At the point when you can say, “Lord, I let him go,” or “God will take care of
it,” then malice is gone. When you curse the offender, wish him ill or plan how to hurt him, then
malice is still lingering.
You might complain and wonder why people hurt you so often. That is not the point! God expects us
to forgive. Malice must go away!
2. Anger
The dictionary defines “anger” as “a strong feeling of hostility and displeasure”.
I remember one lady came with her husband to the church office. The husband said something which
was not exactly complimentary about his wife. She exploded. The hostility was so glaring, and her
behaviour was so bad that her husband rebuked her, “Is this the way to talk? Don’t you respect the
pastor?” he asked her.
Then I sensed that the strong feelings of hostility between the husband and the wife were because of
unforgiveness.
If you have this strong feeling of hostility whenever you see someone who once offended you, then
there is some unforgiveness lingering in your heart.
3. Wrath
“Wrath” can also be defined as “extreme anger”.
One sign of the presence of extreme anger is that the person begins to act “wild”.
Once, a man was so angry that he threw all the lunch that had been set before him on the wall.
Afterwards, when tempers had cooled down, he had to struggle to clean the stained wall (anger really
makes you do some foolish things)!
Extreme anger or wrath is a sign of lingering unforgiveness.
4. Clamour
The dictionary defines “clamour” as “loud abusive language, and loud demands or protests”.
How can you come to church so nicely dressed, looking so sweet and holy, and then go home and
quarrel everyday with everyone?
If your next-door neighbour decides to record the string of loud abuses, your pastors would be
surprised at your behaviour. I believe that a Christian should not be loud and abusive in any
circumstance. Clamour or loud abusive language is a sign of lingering unforgiveness. I know of a
Christian church where there was so much disharmony that the pastors fought openly in church. They
shouted at each other, and even used tear gas on each other. What a disgrace!
5. Evil speaking or slander
To “slander” is “to say bad things about someone, or to backbite”.
When someone slanders another person, usually what is said about that person is false. Those who
slander, often have the intention of destroying another person. People who slander their spouses
must be watched very carefully. Slanderous people are often full of bitterness. There may be genuine
complaints. But when it is continuous, then such a spouse has a deep-seated problem of
unforgiveness.
A husband once complained to me, “Pastor, my wife is very wicked. In fact, she is a witch! If you
have ever seen a witch before, you’ll know what I’m talking about.”
I told him, “Then you must have been a wizard to have married her!” I take particular notice of
people who say negative things to bring others down.
I have heard pastors speak carelessly and negatively about other ministers. Sometimes these are
people with whom they claim to have a good relationship. I take particular notice of such ministers.
From my own experience, I have come to know that, “He who talks to you about others will talk to
others about you.”
6. Bitterness
“Bitterness” can be defined as “degenerated unforgiveness”. I define bitterness as a “long-standing
degenerated unforgiveness”.
The word “degenerate” is defined as “to pass into a worse state than one which is considered normal
or desirable”. Thus, when a situation passes from one stage to a worse state, it can be described as
degeneration. Unforgiveness which stays in your heart for a long period of time, degenerates into
bitterness. The cardinal sign of bitterness is that it begins to poison other people. The Bible
cautions that when bitterness is permitted, it will spill over and defile others.
...lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
Hebrews 12:15
I know some people who are so filled with hatred for their wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, or
other relatives.
A good example of a bitter person is a woman who has been hurt by a man.
The story line is often similar: The man approached you and told you, “I love you honey. You are the
sweetest lady I’ve ever known, and I want to love you. When I saw you, my heart moved from the left
to the right. I want you to know that if you were on the other side of the Mediterranean, I would swim
across just to bring you some ice cream!”
Perhaps he also said, “There is only one pebble I see whenever I walk on the beach and THAT IS
YOU!”
You believed it when he told you he had seen many ladies, but that you were different. What you
didn’t know was that he had other pebbles on the beach, and that he had told other ladies these same
stories.
You were a virgin and wanted to remain so until you got married, but he convinced you to give in to
him, with the promise that he would marry you anyway. So he began sleeping with you. You did
things you never dreamt of doing with your body. In fact, you also had to commit several abortions
because you were not ready for babies.
Then, one day, he lets out the bomb that he cannot marry you after all. So many suitors wanted to
marry you at the prime of your youth, but you refused them because of this “sweet talker”. After you
turned thirty-eight, most men shied away from you.
Now, you bear this man a grudge. You begin to hate him. Soon, you begin to hate him with a passion.
With time, you have come to hate all men.
You could not forgive that man, so you have lumped all men into this category. Your hurt has become
a long-standing degenerated type of unforgiveness bitterness.
Sometimes, such people begin to champion women’s causes out of bitterness. They may remain
unmarried for the rest of their lives. It can even develop and degenerate further into lesbianism.
Lesbians are often bitter women; bitter against men who perhaps hurt them sometime in their lives.
Men can also be bitter against women. I remember a London taxi driver told me of his experience.
Because of this experience he had vowed never to marry.
He once had a live-in girlfriend whom he looked after. He took her to school, paid her fees, fed her
and gave her everything she wanted for years. If she wanted anything, all she needed to do was to ask.
She was almost like a wife. Then at a point, he began to suspect her of infidelity.
So one day, he told her that he was going on a business trip and would return after a week. To be
certain that she would believe his story, he asked her to see him off. He went to the Kings Cross
Station with her, got on a train and waved goodbye to her. However, at the next stop he got down,
took another train and returned into town.
He did not go straight back home, but went to a drinking pub to while away the time till two a.m. Then
he went home. When he climbed upstairs and entered the bedroom, here was his “girlfriend-wife”, in
his bed with another man. Both of them were stark naked in his bed. So he threw her out of his flat,
naked, and called the police.
After this experience he decided never to get married or to trust any woman. He could not forgive that
girl, and he had now extended it to all other women. When such hurt degenerates into hatred, it is
bitterness! Beware of becoming bitter after bad experiences! When a bitter person speaks, it affects,
influences and poisons others.
Dear friend, as you read this, ask yourself: Am I bitter?