‘Suansel French Acting Edition Heathers The Musical Book, Music & Lyrics by Kevin Murphy & Laurence O'Keefe Based on the film written by Daniel Waters Originally directed Off-Broadway by Andy Fickman Originally choreographed by Marguerite Derricks SAMUEL FRENCH hi SAMUELFRENCH.COM — SAMUELFRENCH.CO.UK‘Copyright © 2015 by Kevin Musphy and Laurence O'Keefe “Artwork designed by AKA NYC © 2012 by AKA NYC ‘AU Rights Reserved LEATHERS THE MUSICAL i flly protected under the copyright laws ‘of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, include Ing Cana, and all other counties of the Copyright Union, Allright, including professional and amatear stage productions, recitation, let ing, public reading, motion picture radio broadcasting, television, and the right of translation into Foreign languages are strictly reserved, ISBN 9780578:70382.9 FOR PRODUCTION ENQUIEIES Unrren States AND CANADA [email protected] 1-8665598.8449 UnrreD Kincbom anp Eunore Plays@SamuelFrench,co.uk 020.7256-4902 each tide ie abject to aailability from Samuel French, depending] Japon county of performance, Please be aware that HEATHERS THE [MUSICAT. may not be Heensed by Samuel French in your teriton Professional and amateur producers should contact the nearest Samu] French ofie or licensing purines verify aailabiliy CAUTION: Profesional and amateur producers are hereby warned that LHEATHERS THE MUSICAL i abject to a censing fee. 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RENTAL MATERIALS ‘An oreiauration consisting ofa Plano/Conducto Score, Hass, Gitar, Pe- ‘ussoa, Reed, Trumpet, Vain, and Voeal Chorus Books wll be loaned w60 ‘mont prior to the production ONLY on the teccipt ofthe Licensing Fee ‘quoted for all performances, che rena fee and a refunduble deposit leate ‘contact Sasi! Trench for pera ofthe isi masters a wall a a pesfor ‘mance Hicense aplication. IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS. you have obtained performance tights to this tile, please refer to your Iicensing agreement for enportant bling and credit requirements.“The world premiere of HEATHERS THE MUSICAL opened Ot Broadway ‘on March 31,2014 at New Wosid tages. twas presented by Andy Cohen, ‘Andy Fickinan, J. Todd Hari, Kevin Murphy, Laurence O'keefe, Amy Powers, Jamie Bensdell, Bruce Bendel, Scot Henson, Scott Prsand in aseelation wth Blg Block Entertainment, Benard Abrams & Michael Speyer/StageVentures, Katie Leary/Vineyard Point Productions, Bill Prady, Karen J, Lauder, The Hasty Padding Insite, Bvan Todd, Ry Hendricks, and HIVZEH, The executive producer was Denise DiNow in sociation with Lakeshore Entertainment ‘This original production was directed by Andy Fickman, with choreography by Marguerite Derzicks, ight direction by Rick Sordelet 4 Chistian KellySordelat, sts by Timothy R, Mackabee, costumes by Amy Clark, lighting by Jason Lyons, haie/wigs/makeup by Leal Loukas sound by Jonny Massena, rise direction by Dominick Amendum, and ‘aiting by Shela Guthrie & Sumanne Goddard Smythe. The Production Stage Manager was Ritchard Druther, aslated by Cassie Apthorpe. Musial arrangements and orchestrations were by Laurence O'Keefe 8 en Greed, Madeline Myers and Madeline Smith were music and score [preparation assistants, Pres representation was provided by Viaciy Meals Group, with advertising/ marketing by AKA and management ‘by Roy Gabay Produetions, Juniper Street Productions, Daniel Kuney, Mandy ate Dede Murphy. The eat was as tollows: ‘VERONICA SAWYER Barret Wibert Weed JASON SJ." DEAN, cece ececeeseceseeeseees pan MeCartan [HEATHER CHANDLER, .......-- Jessica Keenan Wynn. HEATHER MCRAMAA lle McLemore DEATHER DUKE... 7 7 Alice Lee MARTHA DUNNSTOCK cocnesseeseees Bate Ladner RAM SWEENEY 7 “Jon Bison ‘KURT KELLY. stat e.-Bvan Todd [RAMS DAD/SG BUD DEAN/COACH RIPPER Anthony Crvelo DMS, FLEMING /VERONICA'S MOM Michelle Dt [KURTS DAD/VERONIGN'S DAD/PRINCIPAL GOWAN... Daniel Cooney BELEAGUERED GHEK.. Duan Sullivan ‘PREPPY STUD OFFICER MILNER. A Meijer [HIPSTER DORK/OFFICER MCCORD «........++..+++ Dan Domenech [STONER CHICK Rachel Fyon ‘YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE...... cones Cait Falebamls [NEW WAVE PARTY GIRL/DANGE CAPTAIN. .........Charissa Hogeland SWINGS. ...scsseeseee Molly Hager, Matthew Schatz"The band was as follows Conductor /Keyb Dominick Amendum Guitar esse + Ansin Moorea Buss Steve Gilevaki Drum... eecoee + Greg Joseph “Teampet/Fiugelhorn John Dent Reeds : coeves Steve Lyon Vion . : cvs-+ Vieloria Paterson Synthesizer Consoltant eee Randy Cohen Synthesiver Programming.-..-.c+ssc.++e-++e++++- Taylor Wiliams SPECIAL THANKS ‘Whitney Engstrom, Amanda AlpereMuscat, Kristen Gura and the eas crow and designers of our various developmental readings and our ‘workshop production in Lor AngelesCHARACTERS VERONICA SAH ~ 17, Burns to be beth cool and Kind, but doesn’ ‘yet sow how tobe both at the same time. Fierce sense of right and ‘wrong, keen sense of ironic humor: Thinks she's an old soul, but she's all innocent enough to be blinded by love or shocked by ‘cruelty Voice: High belting required, wp to.A Must ave dynamic and sisi range JASON “:D.” DEAN ~ 17, Darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive ‘Charming oa the outside, damaged on the inside, Keen smarts, savage wit Voice: Strong, confident belt to st feast an Ab, A preferable; wide emotional range HEATHER CHANDLER. 17 The richest, hottest, cruclest gil in town, Relishes power and wields it without fear, patience, or mere. Voice Sirong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chars. NOTE: Tn eran choral sougy, CHANDLER can switch farts wilh te oer HEATHERS as nde. [HEATHER MCNAMARA 17, Beautlil, Innocent, stupid. Can be mean ‘on command if Heather Chandler orders i, but actualy quite vulierable and fearful. Voice: Suong belt to Db , D preferred. Soprano for chorus, NOTE: Jn avin choral songs, MCNAMARA cd UKE am stich seal pots a eed HEATHER DUKE ~ 17, The whipped beta dog of the three Heathers. Deeply insonre. When she finally becomes Queen Bee, se wields power like a bulldozer. Voice: Srong belt to C, D preferred, Alo Tor chorus, NOTE: Jn catain choral sags, DUKE. ced MCNAMARA cr lc veal arts ne, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK ~ 17. Nicknamed "Martha Dumparuek,” the ‘opposite of confident and popular. Huge and beautiful sou ‘optimistic even in the face of reeaton, Voie: Strong belt to Bor ide voeal expression [RAM SWEENEY -17, Linebacker. Big, inensiive tothe feelings of other, led by appetites. Voice: Strong baritone, belt to G, some faletto ‘useful. NOTE: In cvtain congs, BAM and KORE can swieh choral signet fs, RAM sings higher than KURT. [KURT KELLY ~ 17, Quarterback and captain. Chseled, sude, ented, ‘cocky, He's the brains in the friendship with Ram. Voice: tenor, strong bel to A oF A, some falsetto. NOTE: In cara songs, RAM (end KURT ci sel cova asignaen uy, RAM sings higher than KURT, RAMS DAD/BIG BUD DEAN/COACH RIPPER - 40 to 45. RAM'S DAD: Former football player raed suburban dad, has never out row his high school glory days. Hates weakness, but capable of oulscarching when tragedy strikes. Also plays BIG BUD DEAN: J.D-'s single dad. Big jolly personality that barelyconceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the sueface. Quite ‘possibly a serial bomber. leo plays COACH RIPPER: Stalwart, man’s tan; quick to defend hie players. Voie: basitone/tenor ~ power ‘Country/Gospel belt 0 AD, higher welcome. NOTE: Sowatines this ‘ctor has ase PRINCIPAL, GOWAN inl! of IG BUD /COACH. MS, FLEMING /VERONICA'S MOM 45 to 50. MS, FLEMING: Aging hippie teaches, sl yearning forthe day the Age of Aquaries reaches Oi. Resentful of today’s entitled youth, protective of the underdogs Despite a penchant for sclpromotion, genuinely cares about the students it her charge, Also plays VERONICAS MOM: easygoing, distant, yet capable of laying down the la. Voice: Great bele up 10 , higher always weleome. [KURT'S DAD/VERONICA'S DAD PRINCIPAL. GOWAN - 80 to 45, KURY'S ‘DAD: Straghtiaced, very conserve, also former football player: ‘Asimple guy, not book smart, you'd be happy o shane a eer with ‘un. Also plays VERONICAS DAD: Easygoing and distant. Also plays [PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Rumpled, burned out, hates conflict. Voice: Strong baritone/tenor ~ power Couatsy/Gospel belt to G, even higher better NOTE: Sometime his actor ha play BIG BUD/COACK ‘insted of PRINCIPAL GOWAN, OY I; RELEACUERED GREK ~ 1618, An embittered social outcast. ‘Voice: baritone (up t FA) or tenor (up to A) BOY 2: PREPPY STUD - 16-18, Suaightlaced, ambitions, blow-dried. Dreams of being even richer than is parents, Voie: bass (up te) ‘or basitone (up to Gt). ROY 8; HIPSTER DORK - 1618, Thinks he's Ducky Srom Pry In Pink “Voice: baritone (up to FB) or tenor (up to A) (GMRL 1: NEW WAVE GIRL - 16-18. She wants her MTV and dresses ‘according Voice: Blt to at leas Cl (a soprano up to igh A/D is alo aps). GIRL. STONER CHICK 16:18. Smokes outside with the freaks in between clases. Her future's so bright she's gotta wear shades to hide her bloodshot eye. Voice: Bel to atleast C& (a soprano up to high A/B is also a plus), GIRL 3; YOUNG REPUBLIGANETTE - 16.18. A tennisplaing, perky ‘Stucent Council pe, Voice: Belt o at leat C @oprano up to high 1/3 is also a pls). SETTING Sherwood, 2 gmall suburban town in Ohio, TIME 1989ACT ONE ‘Scene One 01, “Boautid (Part 1)". ‘VERONICA, MARTHA, RAM, KUT, FACULTY, STUDENTS (1, “Beowifel (Part 2)*... VERONICA, CHANDLER, MCNAMABA, DUKE, "PACULTY, STUDENTS, Scene Two (01, 1s Reon Three ks” oncunsrma (02, “Candy Store” oe _CHANDLIOK, MCNAMARA, DUKE, ‘VERONICA, MARTIA, OFFSTAGE GIRS. 03, “Fight For Me” VERONICA, STUDENTS, FACUITY Scene Three a “Transition to Goguet™ cee ecco e es cee cee s+ ORCHESTRA (035, “Candy Store Payoff” ‘CHANDLER, MCNAMARA, DUKE, OFFSTAGE GIRLS Scene Four (0, tree Your Brain” coeseseceeceteseeeeesesenes ID. (4a, “Transition to Party” 1D, ORGHESTRA ‘Scene Five 5 Dig Pa”... «+ RAM, KU, CHANDLER, MCNAMARA, DUKE, ‘VERONICA, MARTHA, TEEN PARTY GUESTS (05a, Pita of Dao. ceceess ees eev rss e+ +++ ORCHESTRA ‘Scene Six 6, ‘Dead Git ating? ...o.e ose overs-sess+++:VBRONICA, J, 6. “Verocu’s Chanter Nightmare’ ‘CHANDLER, VERONICA, SPOOKY TENS 06, “Death at Das ORCHESTRA Scene Seven (6. “Pain in My Path. eevee ses kDa VERONICA, 7. “The Me cide of te" [VERONICA, J.D, CHANDLER, MILNER, [MCCORD, FLEMING, STUDENTS, PACULTY 7, “The Me tse of Me Plo ORCHESTRA ‘Scene Hight (00, “Transition to Cometery” ORCHESTRA, Seene Nine (8, “Blue” os seeseeveeeo1+ RAM, KURT, VERONICA, MCNAMARA, DUKE, OFFSTACE GIRLS( ‘Scene Ten (080, “Gost Heath” ORCHESTRA (09, “Dye Reprise)” cose es eesseceseees ee RAM, KURT, DUKE, MCNAMARA, STUDENTS 090, “Blue (Reprise) Play...» DUNE, RAM, KORT, STUDENTS Scone Kleven 10, "Our Love ie God JD, STUDENTS, PACULTY ACT TWO Scene One I Ba Bt cesses sannasssneeseeeeese +++ ORCHESTRA 106, “rom or Ht VERONICA 11.5 Dend Cay Son. RAMES DAD, KURI DAD, MOCRNERS 1a." Ded Gy Sou Meese ORCHSTRA Scone wo 12 Seco” Saat \veRONICA 5. Scone Thee 125, “iit Sect onciesTm Scene Foor 1. Shine A righ LEMING, STUDENTS (EXCEPT MARTIN, TACULTY 1, “ine A Tight Py : oncatesTRA 14. “Lipton” 2 ate 14a, “Shine A Light (eprive!” DUKE, STUDENTS, PACULTY 1, “Tore Weleome, MeNawara” ORCHESTRA ‘Sceste Five Scene Six 15, “Hey Yo, Weterber MCNAMARA, STUDENTS 16. “Kindergarten Boon, = MARTHA, 16, “Transition to Pasion” : oncmesTna Scene Seven 17, Vo Git/Meant to Be Yours... +} CHANDLER, RAM, KURT, DEAD TEENS, OFPSIAGE VOICES 18, “Doad Girt Walking Reprise)” ......»-» VERONICA, [Dy STUDENTS ‘Scene Fight 18, “Bach 0 Sool”. ..occesveessereseesesese eres s+ ORCHESTRA,. STUDENTS, FACULTY Bes Pars Fan IP soso “Saeco 21 “Bx Miie™ ORCHESTRA,AUTHORS’ NOTE, ‘When we decided to adapt Hanes for the stage, we wanted to create a ‘show that could be moutted jst aboat anywhere, That meant a simple ‘et, simple ight. Westerberg High is suggested by Title more than the sound ofa schoo! bel. Throughout, we tilered the dialogue to provide the audience with verbal ces to remind them where we are: “Hiding tha coe? °A Noraupin in tbe om.” “Drag the gg Boh aut (ha fob fil.” ‘We did this 20 we could afford to pay for seven musicians and nineteen singers making a big lorious noise, Heaters ia an emotional show with ' big, beating teenage heart ~ the characters experience feelings so deep aod wide they can only be expressed in song: Lae, life and death. espa forgiveness and reconeliation. These primal themes require musical expression on a large scale, If your production budget ean ‘support cool sui like projections or realistic lockers or an actual car on stag, by all meaoa have ati ut we strongly muggest you protect Your sound a all costs we found m great soimd designe and equipment a ‘etter investment than superintricateRghting or set design, Support the score and your production will succeed “The other big priority for us wat the costumes. For the original prochiction, tha’ what te the ime, place and tone, The three Heathers nd Veronica were colorcoordinated and fabulous. The stents and faculty were coxtumed simply, butsongly evoked the ‘80s. Mouths aude ‘ences want thee MT, We suggest you give it to them. Finally, a word about sincerity (lots, pleasel) and camp (less please). We think this material is best served by real emotion and Hfeand-death stakes, rather than rougging and bitehy posing, “There ae great videos online of brillant drag queens lipsyncing ‘wonderfully to some of Month’ nati songs Their milea-minute bump- ‘a grind makes for hilarious cabaret set. But she fall show requires recognizable human beings, lunging for safeiyand happinessand love ike a drowning man lunging fora lifeboat. Their extraordinary yet real, hopes, feats, pressuies and erses dive them to extraordinary actions. So we Fecommend you avoid adding adi, inating performances to ‘eastoon size, oF inserting extra lines or references fom the (admittedly Driliant) movie, and we applaud when you focus on these characters ‘ying to make posiie fixes in ther lives. ‘Yes, postive, Most villains don't think they'ce villains they rationalize villsinove behavior with "i's what I had to to do to fix my problem.” ‘Soi is with Heute. You'll get best results when your characters avoidexcessive or gratuitous ertelty and negatvigy and instead play up rolions ad hepe. And solutions are hope, by stunning coincidence, fare what we discovered when we set ot t0 write Hens, and what we hope your audience will too. ‘Thanks very much. We are incredibly grateful and honoted you'ee producing our show: Dan Waters had an idea to tell story about a School as cruel se the real worKd, and the kids who try to change i. We Ihave been lucky to make his story sing, andl now you get to join that sary. We hope you find It ety big fo. Everybody Wang Chung tonight, ‘Revin Murphy & Lawrence O'Keefe‘To Nall & Persephone, Noreen & Carter you make things beautiful.ACT ONE Scene One (Lunchtime at Westerberg High School. A school corridor ‘opens into an outdoor lunch area with tables and chairs.) (Here and elsewhere, various locations are represented loosely with lighting changes and/or projections, as well asthe minimal addition and subtraction of essential set pieces.) (Lights up on VERONICA SAWYER, seventeen, bookish cand artsy. Doesn't dress lke a poplar bid, She wears «a momocle ax she unites in her diary, but talks to the cautionce) ‘VERONICA. September 1, 1989. Dear Diary: [MUSIC NO. 1: “BEAUTIFUL” I think I’m a good person, I believe there's good in everyone. But here we are, frst cay of senior year. (STUDENTS and FACULTY enter) Tlook at these kids 've known all my life and wonder: ‘What happened? (VERONICA watches in dismay as the STUDENTS heap insults and abuse on ove another) [STUDENTS & FACULTY. FREAK! SLUT BURNOUT! BUGEYES! POSER! LARD-ASSt 66 WEATHERS THE MUSICAL VERONICA. ‘WE WERE SO TINY ‘HAPPY AND SHINY, PLANING TAG AND GETTING CHASED. STUDENTS & FACULTY. FREAK! SLUTL LOSER! SHORT BUSI VERONICA. SINGING AND CLAPPING, [LAUGHING AND NAPPING. BAKING COOKIES, RATING PASTE. STUDENTS & FACULTY. BULL-DYKE! SIUCKUPI HUNCHBACK! ‘VERONICA. "THEN WE GOT BIGGER. ‘THAT WAS THE TRIGGER {LIKE THE HUNS INVADING ROME ~ (A couple of STUDENTS push pas! VERONICA, nearly Inocking her over. She's not at fouls, but apologizes enya.) Sorry. \WELCOME-TO MY SCHOOL. ‘THIS AIN'T NO HIGH SCHOOL; TH ISTHE THUNDERDOME, HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT THE DANS, WERE GRADUATING SOON. STUDENTS & FAGUETY. ‘WHITE TRASHE ‘VERONICA. ‘COLLEGE WILL BE PARADISE IP FACNOT DEAD BY JUNE! (Lights change as all but VERONICA move in slow. motion.) BUTI KNOW, 1KNOM, LINE GAN BE BEAUTIFUL.LEATHERS THE MUSICAL " TRAY, PRAY FORA BETTER WAY IB WE CHANGED BACK THEN, ‘WE.COUILD CHANGE AGATN. (WE GAN BE BEAUTIEUL. (Normal motion resumes. A PREPPY STUD shoves a HIPSTER DORK wearing a tragically un-hip fedora. The EUPSTER stumbles cnc falls.) HIPSTER. Ow! ‘VERONICA. JUSTNOF TODAY. (VERONICA goes tothe HIPSTER, offers to help lim up.) You okay? HIPSTER, Get away, nerdl (WERONICA sighs and gets in line for bunch.) STUDENTS & FACULTY. YREAK! SLUT! CRIPPLE! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! ‘VERONICA. "THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON ASMY LETTER (COMES FROM HARVARD, DUKE, OR BROWN. WAKE FROM THIS COMA, TAKE MY DIPLOMA, "THEN CAN BLOW'THIS TOWN. DREAM OF W/COVERED WALLS AND SMOKY FRENCH CARES... {VERONICA is now on the radar of linebacker RAM SWEENEY who wears @latterman's jacket.) RAM. (fo. teammate) Watch this... VERONICA, FIGHT THE URGE TO STRIKE A MATCH AND SEP'THIS DUMP ABLAZE! (RAM pends VERONICA 5 lunch tray) RAM, Ooooops.18 MEATHERS THE MUSICAL (EVERYONE freezes bul VERONICA.) VERONICA, (to audience) Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker. And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick. (Normal motion resumes.) RAM. (He heard her last two words.) What did you say to me, skank? ‘VERONICA. ... Nothing, (RAM gives VERONICA an “T got my ey on you" hand gesture and struts off, passing @ STONER CHICK and a YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE,) ‘VERONICA. HIPSTER, PREPPY, REPUBLICANETTE RAM, ‘& STONER, BUTT KNOW, TRNOW, TRNOW... TKNOW., TKNOW.. LIFE CAN BE. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL. TPRAY, TPRAY... TPRAY... TRAY... 1TPRAV. PORA BETTER PORABEITER FORA BETTER WAY way, way, WEWEREKIND 00. 00. BEFORE, \WECAN BE KIND ‘ONCE MORE; WE CAN BE 00, 00. BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL. (MARTHA calls up behind VERONICA, startling her) VERONICA. (momentarily freaked) Azaaghl HEY, MARTHA, MARTHA. Hey. (EVERYONE. freezes bul VERONICA. Meet MARTHA, DUNNSTOGK. Overweight, awhward, idiosyncratic ddoess, In the post-millenial era, she might have been @HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 18 ip fara But im this ea, inthis conten, she's merely «¢ magnet for abuse. MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up her lunch tay.) VERONICA. Martha Dunnstock, My bestfriend since diapers, She's gota huge heart. Round here, that's not enough. (Normal motion resumes) Thanks. MARTHA, We on for movie night? VERONICA. You're on Jiffy Pop detail MARTHA. I rented The Princess Bride. VERONICA. Again? Don't you have it memorized by now? MARTHA, What can I say? 'm a sucker for a happy ending, KURT, Martha Dumptruck! Wide loa! Honnnnnk! (KURT KELLY, star quarterback, alpha-male, enters, RAB on his heels. KUT Hnochs the tray from MARTHA’S ‘hands, EVERYONE but VERONICA roe.) ‘VERONICA. Kurt Kelly. Quarterback, He isthe stnatest guy on the football eam, Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf, (Normal motion resumes.) (furious, towURE) Hey Pick that up right now! orT. I'm sony, are you actually talking to me? (RAM steps up, a loyed wingman backing up the boss.) RAM, My budly Kurt asked you a question. (Its tense, STUDENTS observe, grateful this isn't happening to them. VERONICA takes a deep breath and goes on the offense, turning to KURT.) ‘VERONICA. What gives you the right to pick on my ftiend? Look at you, you're a high school hasbeen waiting to happen. A future gasstation attendant. (WORT sles coldly, Points to her chin.) ORT. You gota zit right there.20 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (WERONICA touches her chin, selfconscous, EVERYONE laughs. KURT shoves VERONICA who stumbles back, off balance. MARTHA. catches VERONICA, heping her “rend fiom faltng on her ass, VERONICA pulls away fiom MARTHA, humiliated and angry) ‘VERONICA. Dear Diary... BELEAGUERED GEEK. wy, ‘WHY DO THEY HATE MB? REPUBLICANETTE. WILY DON'T LIGHT BACK? KURT, ‘WY DO TAG LIKE SUCETA CREEP? ww. MARTHA. WHY WON'T HE DATE ME? HIPSTER, (holding his fedora, newly disenchanted) ‘WHY DID I WEAR THIS? ‘STONER, PREPPY, MS, FLEMING. ‘WHY DO I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP? STUDENTS & FACULTY. ww, SOMEBODY HUG MEI SOMEBODY FIX MEI SOMEBODY SWWE ME? SEND ME.ASIGN, GOD! GIVE ME SOME HOPE HERE! SOMETHINGTO LIVE FOR! IMUSIC NO. 1A: “BEAUTIFUL (PART 2)"] (Lights change. The 81D form an adoring tableau (05 the THREE HEATHERS onter in wedge formation, unhurried, confident, magic.) STUDENTS & FACULTY. AH, . HEATHER. HEATHER, AND HESTHER! ‘VERONICA. Then there's the Heathers. They float above icall. STUDENTS & FACULTY, LOVE HEATHER, HEATHER... AND HEATHER! (Lights on HEATHER MCNAMARA, a cheerleader, not bright, but very pret.)HEATHERS THE MUSICAL a1 VERONICA. STUDENTS & FACULTY, Heather McNamara. Head. THATE cheerleader. Her dads HEATHER, loaded — he sells engagement HEATHER... rings AND HEATHER! (Lights on HEATHER DUKE, the whipped belardog of the tia, inseciee and eager for approval.) Heather Duke, Runs the IWANT yemsbook, No discemible HEATHER, personality, but her mom dd HEATHER... pay for implants. AND HEATHER! (Lights on HEATHER CHANDLER, the ruthless, brutal (queen bee.) ‘And Heather Chandler INBED The Almighty. ‘HEATHER, HEATHER. ‘VERONICA. She is a mythic bitch. (The HEATHERS sit at their designated lunch table.) ‘They ate solid Teflon ~ never bothered, never harassed. Twould give anything to be like that. HIPSTER. ‘STUDENTS & FAGUETY. Td like to be their boyftiend. NM. ‘THAT WOULD BE ‘BEAUTIFUL STONER, If Tsatat their table, guys would MM. notice me. SO BEAUTIFUL. MARTH. Td like them to be nicer 00. ‘THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL, THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL. GEEK. Td like to kidnap 2 Heather 00. and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats!HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (The bell rings. VERONICA enters the giil’s bathroom.) (CHANDLER and MENAMARA apjiy makeup in the Imrvor cs DUKE. voit into ati) CHANDLER, Grow up, Heather. Bul DUKK, (woozy) Heather, I need a mint (MCNAMARA extracts @ roll of breath mints from her purse end hands it to DUKE.) MCNAMARA. What you need, Heather, is o see a doctor: DUKE, I hate my doctor He smells like Drakkar Noi, (This unpleasant memory apparently makes DUKE (queasy. She turns back tothe toile, MS. FLEMING enters, 40s, exhippie, eccontrically dressed.) FLEMING. Ab, Heather and Heather, (DUKE vomits.) ‘And Heather. Perhapsyon didn't hear the bell over ll the vomiting, You're late for class. (VERONICA poops in her monocle and seribbles on a piece of paper) (CHANDLER. Heather wasn’t feeling well. We're helping her FLEMING. Not without a hall pass you're not. A week's detention. ‘VERONICA. Actually, Ms, Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee. (VERONICA hands FLEMING a pass. FLEMING sourly examines the pass as the RATHERS exchange juscled looks.) FLEMING. I sce you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going, (She exits, CHANDLER grabs the pass from VERONICA and studies it.) (CHANDLER. This is an execllent forgery. Who are you? (VERONICA cheerfully extends her hand. CHANDLER ignores the gesture.)WEATHERS THE MUSICAL 8 VERONICA, Veronica Sawyer Lerave a boon, (CHANDLER. What boon? VERONICA. Let me sit at your table at hunch, Just once, No talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate me, they'll Teave me alone (CHANDLER Laughs, tickied by VERONICA ’s boldness.) Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes. DUKE. How about prescriptions? ‘GHANDLER. Shut up, Heather DUKE. Sorry, Heather. (CHANDLER brushes back VERONICA’ hair and inspects her face.) CHANDLER, Hmm. For a greasy little nobody, you do have ‘good bone structure MCNAMARA. And a symmetrical face. IFT took a meat cleaver ‘down the center of your skull, 'd have matching halves ‘That's very important DUKE, Of course, you could stand to lose ~ (DUKE throws up alte bit in har mouth and swalloas.) ~a few pounds. ‘CHANDLER. AND YA RNOW, YA KNOW, YA KNOW? (ipping VERONICA ’s chin) THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL. MASCARA, MAVBE SOME LIP GLOSS, AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY (GET THIS GIRL SOME BLUSH AND HEATHER, I NEED YOUR BRUSH, LET'S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL. DUKE. LET'S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... MCNAMARA. LET'S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL,HUATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER. MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL. Okay? ‘VERONICA. Okay! (The HRATHERS exit with VERONICA.) (Another dy, another hunch, BORE and RAM enter and push aside the GEEK.) Kurr. OUT OF Me WAY, GEER on. TDONT WANT TROVAL RAM. YOU'RE GONNA DIE ATaPMt {RAM shoves GHEK info REPUBLICANETTE and @ NEW ‘WAVE GIRL.) [REPUDLICANETTE. & NEW WAVE. DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! GET AWAY, PERVERIE LGUEK. (bewildered end seared) ‘WHAT? 1RVERDO"TO THEM? STUDENTS &ACULTY. ‘WHO COULD SURVIVE THIS? ICANT ESCAPE THIS! THINKIN DIG! FLEMING. (ses someone offstage) ‘WHO'S THAT WITH HEATHER? (The HEACHERS enter again, but this time there's someone with thn.) ALL, Whoa! STUDENTS &FACULEY. "HEATHER HEATHER, HEATHER. NEW WAVE, AND... SOMEONE! STUDENTS & FACULTY. HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHERHEATHERS THE MUSICAL 8 FLEMING, PRINCIPAL GOWAN, COACH RIPPER, AND ABABR! STUDENTS fe PACULTY. IETHER, HEATHER, HEATHER, MARTHA. (recognizing her) Veronica? ‘STUDENTS & FACULTY. ‘VERONICA? VERONICA VERONICA (The MEATHERS part, revealing their fourth is VERONICA, who's been given a rockstar-worthy smaheower — she's smoking hot.) ‘VERONICA, STUDENTS & FACULTY, ‘AND YA KNOW, on! YA. KNOW, YA KNOW, LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. AHL BEAUTIPULL ‘YOU HOPE, YOU DREAM, om YOU PRAY, ant ANDYOU GETYOUR WAY! ASKME HOWIT FEELS BEAUTIFUL LOOKING LIKE oot HELL ON WHEELS. OHA! MYGOD, I'S BEAUTIFUL! [BEAUTE I MIGHT BE BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL! AND WHEN YOU'RE Att BEAUTIFUL. TSA BEAUTIFUL FRICKIN’ Dav HEATHER! HEATHER! HEATHER! VERONICA! Hw HEATHER! HEATHER! HEATHER! ‘VERONICA VERONICA VERONICA VERONICA, ‘VERONICA! VERONICAL VERONICA! VERONICA (Song ends, Blackowt)HEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Two IMUSIC NO. 1B: “IT’S BEEN THREE WEEKS”) (School, Another day, another lunchtime. VERONICA, crite in her diary, monocle in place.) ‘VERONICA. Dear Diary: It’s been three weeks since I became: friends with the Heathers, (crosses something out) “Friends” isn't the right word, exactly. Ics more like the Heathers are people I work with and our job is being popular and shit. (The bell rings. Lights change. MARTHA enters. There's ‘ahi of tensiem betroven the two friends.) MARTHA. Hey, Veronica. ‘VERONICA. Hey. (MARTHA. You really Look beautiful these days ‘VBRONICA, Yeah, wel MARTHA, Are you sure? ‘VERONICA, Look, P'm sorry [flaked on movie night last week. Tee had a lot going on, MARTEL, get that. You' ‘VERONICA. IU’ whatever, But we'll hang soon, I prot i's sill she same me underneath. With the Heathers now. ‘s exciting, (DUKE arrives, interrupting.) DUKE, Veronical Heather says to hal ass tothe caf, pronto, VERONICA. How very (VERONICA and DUKE crass the school yard They pass 4 figure leaning against the wall.) (Mect JASON DEAN, a.k.a. “J.D.,” a moody suburban rebel, He's reading a copy of Baudelaire’s Flowers of Evil.) (WERONICA and DUKE approach the Heather table, CHANDLER waits impatiently with MCNAMARA.)HEATHERS THE MUSICAL a CHANDLER. Veronica, I need a forgery in Ram Sweeney's handwriting. You'll need something to write on. Heather bend over. (DUKE bends over to allow VERONICA to write o7 her hack. 1s degrading, but she’s used to it, VERONICA pops in a monocle and writes as CHANDLER dictates.) “Hi, Honey — I've been watching you... and thinking about us in the old days. I hope you ean come to my homecoming party this weekend. I miss you... Ram.” Put an *KO" after the signature. ‘VERONICA, Whats this for anyway? CHANDLER. You remember how Ram used to hang with ‘Martha Dumptruck? VERONICA. Well yeah, in kindergarten, We all did DUKE, We all dicl’t kiss om the kickball field. MGNAMARA. (stddenby exited) Oh my God, that’ right! [totally forgot. Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck. (delighted glee) Tewas disgusting! (CHANDLER tahes the note) CHANDLER Pesfect (SUT amd RAM enter, CHANDLER flags them down.) Ram, e’mere! RAM. Whaddaya think Heather wants? KURT, I bet she wants you to set her on your johnson and spin her around like a goddamn pinwheel! ‘4M, Hell, yeab, Punch i (RAM and KURE "punch it in” by bumping fists. 1s a ‘hing with them. CHANDLER hands RAM the note) CHANDLER, Be a sweetie and give this note to Martha Dumptruck for me. ‘VERONICA. What? No! RAM. Since when do you tal to that ladass? (RAM starts to unfold the note, CHANDLER stops him.)2 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL CHANDLER, Don’t read it. She’s having extracheayy flow and wanted some advice from my gyno, aM, Ugh! (VERONICA yanks the note from RAM’s hands. Instantly, she’s surrounded by FEATHERS. ) ‘VERONICA. Martha’s had a thing for Ram for ike qwelve years ‘now, this will kill her: C'mon, Heather. You're bigger than this. IMUSIC NO. CHANDLER, [ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK? YOU'VE COME SO FAR; WHY NOW ARE YOU PULLING ON MY DICK? TD NORMALLY SLAP YOUR FACE OFF, [AND EVERYONE HERE GOULD WATCH, BUT IM FEELING NICE, HERE'S SOME ADVICE. LISTEN UP, BYATCH (The HRATHERS advance on VERONICA, smiling in tight formation like Satan's favorite ginl group. Three GIRLS sing along with the HEATHERS but should be removed from the action onstage.) ‘GHANDLER. DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRIS, TLIKE LIKE LOOKING HOT. [BUYING STUPF THEY GAN NOT, LIKE, (KE! DRINKING HARD. -MAXING DAD’S CREDIT GARD. TLIKE TLIKEY SKIPPING GYM, ‘SCARING HER SCREWING HIM. TLIKE TKer BILLER CLOTHES. RICKING NERDS IN THE KICKING NERDS INTHE ‘NOSE NOSE! 2: “CANDY STORE”HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 9 HANDLER, (cont) DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, IPYOU LACK THE BALLS, YOU GAN GO PLAY DOLLS; LET YOUR MOMMY FIXYOU A SNACK, WHOA, WHOAL ‘OR YOU COULD COME SMOKE, POUND SOME RUM AND COKE, IN MY PORSCHE WITH THE. ‘QUARTERBACK! ‘OW WHOA! OH WHOAL OH WHOA! (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, HONEY, WHAT YOU WATTING FOR? WELCOME TO MY GANDY STORE! ‘TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE. YOU'RE NOT A LOSER ANYMORE. "THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORI GUYS RAL DUKE & MCNAMARA, -ATYOUR FEET, DUKE, PAV THE CHI ‘MCNAMARA. HELP YOU CHEAT! CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. ALLYOU DUKE, HAVE TO DO? (CHANDLER. ‘SAV GOODBYE TO SHAMU. (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. "THAT FREAK'S MCNAMARA, NOTYOUR FRIEND. TAN TELL, IN THE END,HRATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. SHE DUKE. HAD YOUR SHOT, (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. SHE WOULD [EAVEYOU'TO KOT, MCNAMARA. “COURSE, YOU DON'T CARE, FINE, GO BRAID HERHAIR, “MAYBE SESAME STRETIS ON. (CHANDLER, DUKE, GIRES. WHOA, WHOA (CHANDLER snsaks the fonged love note away fom the distracted VERONICA. She pases it lo DUSE,) MCNAMARA. ‘ORFORGET THAT CREE, DUKE. AND GET IN MY BER, CHANDLER. LET'S GO TEAR UP SOMEONE'S LAWN DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIS. ‘011 WHIOA! OH WEIOA! OF WHOA! (As the HEATHIERS pass MARTHA, DUKE, slips the note conto her bunch tray.) (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? ‘WELLCOME TO MY GANDY STORE! ‘YOU JUST GOTTA PROVE YOU'RE NOT A PUSSY ANYMORE. "THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! (MARTHA opens the note and reads i.) (CHANDLER, YOU CAN JOIN THE TRAM. DUKE, MGNAMARA, GIES. OR YOU CAN BITCH AND MOAN,HRATHERS THE MUSICAL a (CHANDLER, YOU GAN LIVE THE DREAM... DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. (OR YOU GAN DIE ALONE. (CHANDLER. DUKE, MNAMARA, GIRLS, ‘YOU GAN FLY WITH EAGLES, OR IFYOU PREFER, ORIEYOU PREFER, [KEEP ON TESTING ME, AND END UP LIKE HER! AND END UP LIKE HER! (MARTHA hurries up, waving the forged "note from Ram") MARTHA, Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party! See? I told you there was sill something there. This proves he’s been thinking about me! (VERONICA glances over af the HEATHERS. CHANDLER ‘gives VERONICA a “Who's if going to be?” look.) VERONICA. (guilty) ..Color me stoked. MARTHA. I'm s0 happy. (MARIHA exits. Now it’s DUKE’s tum to solo ~ she wails, making the most of her moment...) DUKE, (wailing vocal ad lib) GIRLS. (OH, OH, OH, OH OH! ‘WHOA, WHOA HONEY, WHAT YOU WATTIN FoR! (CHANDLER shoves DUKE out of the way. There's only room for one star here.) (CHANDLER. DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, Shut up, Heather (waiting vocal ad tid) STEP INTO MY CANDAAAY STORE! ‘WHOAL ‘TIME POR YOU TO PROVE WHOA.. YOU'RENOT A LAMEASS ANYMORE,3 MEATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. "THEN STRP INTO MY CANDY STORE! IT'SMY GANDY STORE. 11'S MY GANDY. H1’SMY GANDY STORELII'S MY CANDY... TI'S MY CANDY STORE! IT'S MY GANDY STO. «ORE! (Song ends. The HEATHERS strut off. VERONICA starts to exit, passing J.D. He speaks to VERONICA without looking up from his book.) . You shouldn't have bowed down to the Swatch-dogs and DietCokeheads. They're gonna crush that girl VERONICA. P'n'sorry, what? LD. You've clearly gota soul. You just need to work harder ‘keeping it clean. We are all born marked for evil, G1. shuts his book and walks azvay.) VERONICA, Okay, don't quote Baudelaire at me and wall away, excuse me? Didn’t catch your name. JD. L didn't throw it J G.D. continues moving off. VERONICA siniles, intrigued despite herself.) (KURT and RAM have been watching |.D.'s exchange swith VERONICA.) KURT, Who does that guy in the jacket think he is anyways, Bo Diddl RAM. Veronica's into his act, no doubt. KURT. Let's kick his ass RAM, We're seniors, man, Too old for that shit. (KURT approaches J.D. anyway. RAM dutifully falls.) KURT. Hey, sweetheart, What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio? (RAM gots in J.D. 's face.) RAM, My buddy Kurt just asked you a question, KURT. Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a “no fags allowed” rule?HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 33 JD. They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes though. KURT, (infated ly the insull) Hold his arms! EMUSIC NO. 3: “FIGHT FOR ME" (KURT takes a swing at J.D., who dodges and manages ta slip loose from RAM.) (Lunch tray in. hand, with a one-two slam, J.D. decks KURT in the face, then RAM. As the STUDENTS and PAGULTY react to the violence, TIME SLOWS. Everyone except VERONICA is now moving in SLOW MOTION.) amis. HOLY SHIT oxs. HOLY SHIT coms, HOLy SHIT oun. HOLY SHIT cms. HOLY SHIT ALL. HoLy sum HOLY SHIT: HOLY SHIT: HOLYSHIT: (The fight freezes in mid-punch, Time has stopped for ‘everyone except VERONICA.) ‘VERONICA. WHY, WHEN YOU SEE BOYS FIGHT, DOES IT LOOK SO HORRIBLE, YET.. FEEL SORIGAT? SHOULDN'T WATCH THIS CRAP; ‘THAT'S NOT WHOIAM. BUT WITH THIS XID. DAAAAAMN,WEATHERS THE MUSICAL (She walks around the immobile}... fascinated.) VERONICA. (cont) HES, MISTER NONANE KD, 0 WHO NIGHT YOU BE? AND COULD YOU FIGHT FOR MEZ AND HEY, ‘COULD YoU FAGE THE GROWD? ‘COULD YOU BE SEEN WITH ME. AND STILLACT PROUD? HEY, WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND? AND COULD YOU CARRY ME ‘THROUGH NOMAN'SLAND? T'S INE IFYOU DON'T AGREE, BUTI WOULD HIGHT FOR YOU... YOU WOULD FIGAT FOR ME. ‘VERONICA. STUDENTS & FACULTY, LET THEM DRIVE US ANH. UNDERGROUND, AHHH... TDONTT CARE HOW PAR AHHH... YOU GAN SET MY BROKEN BONES, AHHH, AND [KNOW GPR, AHHEH... (The fight resumes in slow motion. VERONICA examines ID. as his fst makes slow mo contact with Raat's cin.) ‘VERONICA, ‘STUDENTS & FACULTY. WELL... WHOAL ‘YOU CAN PUNCH REAL GOOD. ‘YOU'VE LASTED LONGER ‘THAN | THOUGHT YOU WOULD, SO HEY, MISTER NONAME KID, IF SOME NIGHT YOU'RE FREE... AHHH... ANE... AHHH, (The slow motion fight continues. J.D. kicks serious ass, hhead-buiting RAM three times.)HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 35 ‘VERONICA. [STUDENTS & FACULTY. WANNA FIGHT FOR MIP HOLY SHIT, IFYOU'RE STILL ALIVE, HOLY SHIT.. IWOULDFIGHTFORYOU.. HOLYSHIT, HOLY SHIT. IFYOU WOULD FIGHT FORME... HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT. (Song ends. The fight is over. JD. wins! Blackout.)36 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Three [MUSIC NO. 3A: “TRANSITION TO CROQUET" (VERONICA crosses as lights come up on her backyard Simple suburban, perhaps the lower end of the middle class spectrum. There’s a little garden table where Veronica's MOM and DAD sit. MOM applies spread to a snack eracker, DAD reads a spy nove.) (The three FEATHERS and VERONICA play croquet.) CHANDLER, God, Veronica, drool much? You were totally throwing your panties at that new kid. “(The othor BENTHERS Laugh.) CHANDLER, And from the look of your house, you can't afford replacement panties. (More laugtitr.) ‘VERONICA. C'mon, I don't even know his name. (CHANDLER hits VERONICA’s ball off the field in the direction of VERONICA’: DAD and MOM.) VERONICA. Mom, Dad! Look out! (MOM picks up the ball. CHANDLER crosses to retrieve it) MOM. Here you go, girls. Care for some pte? (CHANDLER inspects the cracker, suspicious.) (CHANDLER. This isn't paté. IU’ liverwurst MOM, (polite) I'm aware of that, Heather, It’s a family joke. (CHANDLER, Ob. Funny (VERONICA fries over for damage control. CHANDLER, {ruts the eracker to her lips for a micro bite.) (DAD speaks out loud, not ooking up fiom his book.) pap. Dammit, will somebody please tell me why I read these spy novels?HRATHERS THE MUSICAL a (VERONICA is acutely aware of the judgement in [CHANDLER 5 eyes.) VERONICA. ‘Cur you're an idiot, Dad. (AD Looks tp forthe frst time...) ab. Oh yeah, that’s it (...and back tothe Book.) MOM. You two, So girls. Any plans for tonight? VERONICA. Big homecoming party at Ram Sweeney's house. I'm catching a ride with Heather (GANDLER taps her Swatch.) CaIANDLER. Speaking of which... VERONICA. Right, Great paté, Mom, but we have to motor ifwe want to be ready for that party. (CHANDLER plops the crogue ball ino the “pate™..) HANDLER, Oops. (and walls aay) (The other too WEATHERS follow because that’s ther job) (VERONICA cringe, embarrassed by her friend's bad Tehavior. MOM tales her am) MOM. Don’t let these popular girls change you. VERONICA. I need! them. MOM, For what? You have other friends. You have Martha VERONICA. Maybe T want more out of fife than liverwust. (VERONICA pulls her arm five and walks away. DAD speaks without loking up fiom his book.) DAD. Those girls seem really nice. (040M shoots him an incredulous look. The HEATERS oss the stage, covering the sene change.) [MUSIC NO, 3B: “CANDY STORE PLAYOFF")a8 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. ‘SO STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! W'S MY CANDY STORE. IPS MY CANDY. 11'S MY CANDY STORE! IT'S MY CANDY. 11'S MY GANDY STORE! IT'S MY CANDY STO... LORE!( { HEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Four (A convenience store counter with candy, snacs, frozen drink dispense a) (A car horn blres CHANDLER bellows fam offtage) CHANDLER. (afstags) Veronica! Don’t forget to buy Gorn Nata! It’s nota party without Corn Nuts! (VERONICA rounds the comes yelling back over her shoulder) VERONICA, Yes, Heather! Plain or BQ? CHANDLER, (ofitege) BQ) (WERONICA picks out a bag of Corn Nuts. 1D. walks up) ED. Greetings and salutations, You want a Slurpee with that? VERONICA. No, but if you're nice I'l let you buy mea Big Gulp. . That’s like going to Mickey D's to order a salad, Shurpee’s the signature dish of the house. Did you say cherry or lime? VERONICA. I said Big Gulp. I'm Veronica Sawyer, by the way. You ever gonna tell me your name? 10. lend the suspense, Jason Dean. JD. for short VERONICA. So, “}.D." That thing you pulled in the caf was pretty severe 10. The extreme always seems to make an impression, VERONICA, What brings a Baudelaire-quoting bad-ass like you to Sherwood, Ohio? 1D. My did’s work, He owns 2 de-constretion company. VERONICA, “Deconstruction?” J. The old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. Seen the commercial? “I'm Big Bud Dean, it's in the ‘vay, Pll make your day. VERONICA. Right, then he pushes the plunger and the sercen blows tp, ‘That's your dad? 39“0 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL JD. In all-his toxic glory. ‘VERONICA. Well, everyone's life has got static. (The horn outside beeps.) CHANDLER. (ofsage) Veronicall VERONICA. Example, I don't really ike my friends. JD. I don’t like your friends either. Bag the party. Hang here. IMUSIC NO. 4: “FREEZE YOUR BRAIN"] VERONICA. A the 7-Rleven? Swanky first date ED. Hey, Hove this place. ‘VERONICA, No offense, but why? J. I'VE BEEN THROUGH TEN HIGH SCHOOLS. ‘THEY START'TO GET BLURRY. NO POINT PLANTING ROOTS, “CAUSE YOU'RE GONE IN A HURRY, >MY DAD KEEPS TWO SUITCASES PACKED IN THE DEN, SO I'S ONLY A MATTER OF WHEN, 1DON'TLEARN THE NAMES, DON'T ROTHER WITH FACES. [ALLI CAN TRUST IS THIS CONCRETE OASIS SEEMS EVERY TIME 'M ABOUT TO DES@AIR, “THERE'S A'TELEVEN RIGHT THERE, AGH STORE IS THE SIME, FROM LAS VEGASTO BOSTON, LINOLEUM AISLES THAT LOVE TO GET LOST IN [PRAY AT MY ALTAR OF SLUSH. YEAH, ILIVE FOR THAT SWEES FROZEN RUSH. (LD. takes a hit of his Slurpee. He grimaces from the “brain freeze.” IV's pain and pleasure, curiously enteined,) FRERZE YOUR BRAIN, SUGK ON THAT STRAW, GETLOSE IN THE PAIN. HAPPINESS COMESHEATHERS THE MUSICAL 41 (WHEN EV'RYIHING NUMBS, WHO NEEDS COCAINE? FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. YREEZE YOUR BRAIN. (0. offs the Sturpee to VERONICA.) J. Care fora hit? ‘VERONICA, Does your mommy know you eat allthis crap? |}. Not anymore. (VERONICA winces. Reminding « hot guy of a dead pest isa first date no-no.) WHEN MOM WAS ALIVE ‘WE LIVED HALFWAY NORMAL. [BUT NOW IT'S JUST ME AND MY DAD. ‘WE'RE LESS FORMAL. TLEARNED TO COOK PASTA, [LEARNED TO PAY RENT. LEARNED THE WORLD DOESN'T OWE YOU A CENT. ‘YOU'RE PLANNING YOUR FUTURE, VERONICA SAWYER, YOU'LL GO TO SOME COLLEGE, “THEN MARRY A LAWYER. [BUT THE SKY"S GONNA HURT WHEN IT FALLS, 80 YOU'D BETTER START BUILDING SOME WALLS, -FREBZE YOUR BRAIN, ‘SWIM IN THE ICE, GET LOST IN THE PAIN, SHUT YOUR EYES TICHT, ‘TILLYOU VANISH FROM SIGHT, LET NOTHING REMAIN. PREEZE YOUR BRAIN. SHATTER YOUR SKULL, FIGHT PAIN WITH MORE PAIN, FORGET WHO YOU ARE, UNBURDEN YOUR LOAD, FORGET IN SIX WEEKS YOU'LL. BE BAGK ON THE ROAD.2 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL \WHEN THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD SAYSYOU'RE BETTER OFF DEAD, DON'T OPEN A VEIN. JUST FREBZE YOUR BRAWN. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, (GO ON AND FREEZE YOUR BRAIN... “yi (Song ends, VERONICA takes along sip.) YeRONICA. I don’t see what the big dee - AHAHA HAHAAAGH! (cughing from “brain fee”) Son ofa biteh! (Chey both crack up. CAANDLER enters.) CHANDLER. Veronica! VERONICA, I gotta go JD. So see. ‘CHANDLER. Corn Nuts? VERONICA. Yes, Heather. CHANDLER. Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here and lev’s motor {CHANDLER exits with VERONICA. [D. exis, humning,) [MUSIC NO. 4A: “TRANSITION TO PARTY"]HEATHERS THE MUSICAL s Scene Five (Ram's House, Suburban, affluent. Lights up on KURT and RAM gelting lectured by their two DADS. Both men are rugged exjocks, dressed fora fishing trip.) RAMS DAD. Okay, Ram. Have fun tonight, but I expect you to act your age. The Henshaws have the phone number for the cabin. If they call to complain, I'm ‘gonna drive back here and knock the sand out of your vagina. Ram, Dude! What am I, five? RAM'S DAD, T'm your dad, not your dude. KURT'S DAD. That goes double for you, Kurt. You're a guest in Bill’s house and you will treat it with respect. KURT. (smirking) Sure thing. Dude. (RAM cracks up laughing. KURT'S DAD takes the challenge in stride, smiling. Then toRAM'S DAD:) KURT'S DAD. Hold his arms. (RAMS DAD grabs KURT’ arms. KURT'S DAD puts jis son in a headlock, laughing.) KORTS DAD. KURT. Who's a great big sissy? Hey, come on! This Who's going to prom ina isn’t funny! Ow! Okay, bright pink dress? Who's amet sissy? KURT, I'm a sissy. Pin a big fat sissy. (The DADS release KURT.) KURT Dap. Damn right, RaM's DAD. Punch (The DADS punch it in and exit, As RAM'S DAD passes his own son, he feints as if to punch him, then pulls back. Psych!) Enjoy your party, son. (Once the DADS are gone...) KURT, Man, that sucked,“ HEATHERS THE MUSICAL RAM. Who cares? The parents are gone and I got my party slippers on! [MUSIC NO. 5: “BIG FUN” (Lights change. We're in Ram's back yand. You've seen this particular party in every John Hughes movie. I's «celebration of the Westerberg Rottweilers’ homecoming victory.) (OREN PARTY GUESTS enter and dance, Note: This is a party for popular hids only. PREPPY is specficially scripled here, as is STONER [probably invited because ‘she carries weed.] The rot of the PARTY GUESTS should be other members of the ensemble re castumed as different, cooler chiaracers.) RAM. DAD SAYS “ACT YOUR AGE.” YOU HEARD THE MAN, T'S TIME'TO RAGE! Au BLAST THE BASS, TURN OUT THELIGHT! AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! RAM, DRINK, SMOKE, IT'S ALL COOL LET'S GET NAKED IN MY FOOL! ALL, PUNCH THE WALL AND START A FIGHT, AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! (KURT hits on CBANDIER,) BURT. HIS FOLKS GOT A WATER BED. ‘COME UPSTAIRS AND RESP YOUR HEAD. (RAM drapes his arms around DUKE and MCNAMARA.) RAM. LET'S RUB EACH OTHER'S BACKS WHILE WATCHING PORN ON CINEMAX!HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 45 (The HRATHERS push them away.) [KURT & PARTY GUESTS, (various) AHHH ALL, ‘THE FOLKS ARE GO.OONE! T'S TIME FOR BIG FUN! emis, BIG FUN! ALL, WE'RE UP TILL DAWN, HAVING SOME BIG FUN! mis. IG FUN! Goys. aris. WHEN MOM AND DAD FORGET TO LOCK THE LIQUOR ‘TO LOCK THE LIQUOR CABINET, CABINET, T'S BIGEUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WHOO! BIG FUNI WHOO! (The FEATHERS do tequila shots. MCNAMARA teaches VERONICA hiow to do a shot.) MCNAMARA. So it’s salt, then shot, then lime, Very important to get the order right. [VERONICA licks salt from her hand, slugs the shot and. sucks the lime porfeil. MCNAMARA claps excitedly.) MCNAMARA, You're 2 natural! Just like my Mom, (PREPPY passes, smiles at VERONICA.) PREPPY. Veronica, you're looking good tonight. (VERONICA spits out the lime.) ‘VERONICA. Whoa AHOT GUY SMILED AT MEY WITHOUT ATRACE OF MOCKERY!46 MEATHURS THE MUSICAL ‘VERONICA, ALL BUT VERONICA, [EVERYONE'S HIGH AS A KITE, AIN'T NOBODY HOME ‘TONIGHT STONED. ZONED. IsHOULD QUIT. THY, WHERE'S THAT WEED? IWANT AHIT, (STONER offers her hit.) FILL THAT JOINT AND ROLL. IP TIGHT, AINT NOBODY TOME ‘TONIGHT! DREAMS ARE,COMING TRUE, ‘WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH BUT NOTAT YOU! YM NOT ALONE, 1 NOT AFRAID! | FEEL LIKE BONO AP LIVE AID! AHHH ‘TE HOUSE IS OU-OU- ‘ouRs, ‘VERONICA & GIRIS. IT'STIME FOR BIG FUN! IG FUN! LET'S USE THEIR SHOWERS, "THAT SOUNDS LIKE BIG FUN! BIG PUN! (CRACK OPEN ONE MORE ‘case (VERONICA observes @ couple making ot) ‘VERONICA. THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY GALL “THIRD BASEFEATHERS THE MUSICAL a ‘VERONICA. coms. cuys. BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN BIG FUN! BIGFUN! VERONICA. (re: couple making ou THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ‘VERONICA. Gms. cuys. BIG FUNt BIGFUN BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIGFUN! BIG FUN! WHO! ‘WHOo! WHOO! (KURT holds up a priate. Is a cartoon pig holding a sign that says “JERDERSON RAZORBACKS.”) KURT. Hey, Rottweilers! What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's game? (RAM mimes sex with the pitata.) aM, Gonna make ‘em go (WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! ALL. BIG FON! BIG FUN! (DUKE sneer: af RAM, angry lo have been shoved aside.) DUKE, ‘Way to show maturity! (RAM grabs DUKE by the hips and crudely mimes sex from behind — the same treatment he gave the poor pig pirate.) aL BIG FUN! BIG FUN! (DUKE dries to showe RAM away.) DUKE, Quit i, jackass! Get off of met ALL. BIG FUN! BIG FUN!48 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (WERONICA, trying to help DUKE, grabs RAM by the am.) ‘VERONICA. Yo, Ram! Emergency! 1 just saw some freshmen trying to sneak into the party! (RAM, alarmed by this new development, releases DUKE.) RAM. Freshmen? VERONICA, Yeah, climbing over the pool fence! Ram, No way, no day! (RAM runs offstage to confront imaginary freshmen ‘VERONICA furs f9 DUKE.) ‘VERONICA. You all right? DUKE, I didn’t need your help. (DUKE: gives VERONICA the fings:) VERONICA. Av, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don't need to vomit right now: (DUKE. grote, dancing angriby) PARTY GUESTS. “THE PARTY'S HOT, HOT, HOT! IPS TIME FOR BIG FUNL ‘VERONICA &e GIRLS. BIG FUN! (SURE hands DUKE a lite cup.) Kune. YOU NEED AJELLO SHOT! aun. WE'RE HAVING BIG FUNT “VERONICA & GIRLS. BIG FUN! (MARTHA arrives at the party, looking horribly out of ‘place, She carves aol of sparkling cider te with a lovely ridton.}HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 9 (The three YEATHDERS see ir.) (CHANDLER. (MARTHA DUMPTRUCK, INTHE FLESH. DUKE, HERE COMES THE COOTIE SQUAD. WE SHOULD ~ CHANDLER. SHUT UP, HEATHER DUKE, SORRY, HEATHER! MCNAMARA. LOOK WHO'S WITH HER~ OH, MY GODI (DUKE points to VERONICA who comes ap behind MARTHA, starting her) (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANGADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANGADANG! (The HEATHERS natch VERONICA with MARTHA.) ‘VERONICA. I can’t believe you actually came. MARTHA. Ie's exciting, right? Excuse me, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider. (MARTHA eaves VERONICA, passing the HEATHERS.) (VERONICA starts to follow, but she's woory from the oaze and pot. She pauses to stop her spinning head. ‘She doesn't see the HRATHERS begin to flanle MARTH. Dangerous predators on the prowl.) (CHANDLER. SHOWING UP HERE TOOK SOME GUIS. ‘TIME TO RIP THEM OUT. (DUKE holds up the pig piitata,) DUKE, WELL, WHO'S THIS PIG REMIND YOU OF? ESPECIALLY THE SNOUT! (CHANDLER. Haw( 0 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA. DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANG-ADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANG-ADANG! (The HEATHERS exit with the pivtata as the lights change, MARTHA approaches RAM who is still on. feshinan patrol.) Raa. I know you're out there! T will snap your necks like the pencils they are! (to himselp) Frickin’ freshmen. MARTHA. Hi, Ram, I wasn’t gonna come, but since you took the trouble to write that sweet note.. RAM. What note? Why do you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal. (MARTHA hands RAM the bottle of sparkling cide: He ‘opens the bottle, chugs and spits out the cider spraying MARTHA.) RAM. There’s no alcohol me? (RAM storns off. The FEATHERS return with the pivtata, covered under a sheet.) Au. DANG! DANG! DICGETYDANG-ADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETV-DANGADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANG.ADANG! DIGGETYDANGA DANG! ‘THEFOLKS ARE GO.O.ONE, TV'S TINE FOR BIG UN! mts. BIG FUN! here! Are you trying to poison Au. WE'RE UP TILL DAWN HAVING SOME BIG FUN! mrs. BIGFUNIHEATHERS THE MUSICAL si cuys. crs, ‘SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW, “THEYLL BUY ANOTHER ‘THEY'LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO! STEREO! (OUR FOLKS GOT NO GLUE "ROUT HALF THE SHIT "ROUT HALF THE SHIT ‘THEIR CHILDREN DO? ‘THEIR CHILDREN DO! [WHY ARE THEY SURPRISED? WHY ARE ‘THEY SURPRISED? ‘WHENEVER WERE (WHENEVER WERE. UUNSUPERVISED [UNSUPERVISED IPSBIGFUNI BIG FUN, BiG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WHOOOO! (Song ends, CHANDLER takes center stage and whistles ‘for attention.) [MUSIC NO. 54: “PINATA OF DOOM”) CHANDLER, Okay, Westerbergers! ‘Time to celebfate our victory over the Razorbacks by whacking apart their mascot! (MCNAMARA holds up a pillowcase and a baseball bat.) MCNAMARA. We need a volunteer to take the first swing at (CHANDLER, ~ Martha Dunnstock! [ think you should do the honors. (VERONICA immediately snaps to aitention. This can't be good.) (Nowe everyone's looking at MARTHA. She's nervous 0.) MARTHA. I don’t really know this game. MCNAMARA. Let’s show this girl some Westerberg spirit! Whoo! (The WEATHERS prompt applause. Everyone joins in.)52 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ALLBUT VERONICA, Martha! Marthal Marthal Martha! (OMARTTIA has litle choice but fo take the bal and allow MCNAMARA (0 slip the pillowcase over her head and spin her around.) MCNAMARA. Bring, out the pifiatal (DUKE unveils the pig piriata, We now see it has been crudely outfitted to resemble MARTHA: glasses, wig, and 4 sign reading “MARTHA DUMPTRUCK.") VERONICA, What is your damage, Heather?! (VERONICA gratis the piriata from DUKE. and erases fo the swimming pool, The PARTY GUESTS ad lib snudignant hub.) (MARTHA strugyles to ge the pilowcase of her head, tut it's stace on a piece of her costume.) (DUKE. chases after VERONICA ike a small, yappry dog.) DUKE, What do you think you're doing?! Come back here ‘with that! Veronica, ¢’mon! ‘VERONICA. You want it? Swim for it (VERONICA hurls the pitta into the swineming pool with «loud SPLASH!) (Phe party has come toa dead stp.) (MARTHA finally manages to extricate haslf from the pillowcase. She looks around, confused.) MARTHA. What's going on? VERONICA. Go home. I'l explain later (MARTHA hesitates.) Go. (MARTHA exils, VERONICA furs to CHANDLER, who has remained aloof, silent and unreadable throughout allthis.) VERONICA. (cont,) Well, we gave it a shot. I'm resigning my ‘commission from the Lip Gloss Gestapo. Going back to civilian life.HEATHERS THE MUSICAL a (VERONICA starts to walk cay. CHANDLER stops her, “spins her and roughly pins her against the wall.) CHANDLER. No! ‘VERONICA. Don’t spin me, I'm not feeling well. CHANDLER, You don’t get to be a nobody. Come Monday, you're an exsomebody, Not even the losers will touch you now. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jelferson, No one at Westerberg’s going to let you play their reindeer games. (Suddenly, VERONICA vomits all over CHANDLER.) (CHANDLER shrieks.) (CHANDLER, Aaaagh! I raised you up from nothi what’s my thanks? f got paid in puke! (VERONICA wipes her mouth, now suber.) ‘VERONICA, Lick it up, baby. Lick. It, Up. ‘CHANDLER. I know who I'm eating lunch with on Monday. Do you? (This hits VERONICA lea hammer. She looks around at ‘the PARTY GUESTS, seeking an ally ora kind face. Every single kid looks away. The erowsd parts and VERONICA ‘exits, willing under CHANDLERS unwavering, baleful glare. Once CHANDLER is satisfied that her enemy has ‘been vanquished, she turns back to the PARTY GUSTS sand beams with peppy enthusiasm.) ‘Okay, party people! Where’s the goddamn keg?t And (Bveryone cheers. Party on! Blackout.)HEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Six [MUSIC NO, 6: “DEAD GIRL WALKING”} (VERONICA wanciers the neighborhood, tified of what lies ahead at school Monday morning...) ‘VERONICA, ‘THE DEMON QUEEN OF HIGH SCHOOL HAS DECREED IT: ‘SHE SAVS MONDAY, 8 AM., [WILL BE DELETED. ‘THEY'LL HUNT ME DOWN IN STUDY HALL STUFF AND MOUNT ME ON THE WALL ‘THIRTY HOURS TO LIVE ~ HOW SHALL 1 SPEND THEM? DON'T HAVE "TO STAY AND DIE LIKE GATTLE: 1 COULD CHANGE MY NAME AND RIDE UP TO SEATTLE, BUT DON'T OWN A MOTORBIKE - WAIT... (She looks up. Through the window of one of the neighborhood houses, she sees J.D. silhouette. He's fing weights.) HERE'S AN OPTION THAT TLIKE: ‘SPEND THOSE THIRTY HOURS GETTIN’ FREAKAY! YEAH! NEED IT HARD, YMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN TM INYOUR YARD. PMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN'? [BEFORE THBY PUNCH MY CLOCK, TM SNAPPING OFF YOUR WINDOW LOCK. GOT NO TIME TO KNOCK, PMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN' (VERONICA climbs into J.D.’s windows) ‘JD. Veronica? What are you doing in my room? ‘VERONICA. HAD TO SPR YOU, HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU. SBE, I DECIDED [ MUSF RIDE YOU TILL [BREAK YOU. "CAUSE HEATHER SYS 1 GOTS TO GO. ‘YOU'RE MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LOSE THEM TICHTYWHTTAYS!LEATHERS THE MUSICAL 86 Come ont ‘TONIGHT IM YOURS, PM YOUR DEAD GIRL WALKIN'! GET ON ALL FOURS. SS THIS DEAD GIRL WALKIN’! LEIS GO, YOU KNOW THE DRILL. YM HOT AND PISSED AND ON THE PILL. BOW DOWN TO THE WILL OF A DEAD GIRL WALKIN' ANDYA KNOW, YA KNOW, ¥A KNOW, 11'S "CAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU SAY YOU'RE NUMB INSIDE. ‘BUTIGAN'T AGREE. ‘SO THE WORLD'S UNFAIR, KEEP IT LOGKED OU THERE, IN HIRE IT'S BEAUTIFUL.. LET'S MAKE THIS BRADTIFUL! J.D. That works for me, (They biss and grope,) ‘VERONICA, Jp. YEAH FULL STEAM AHEAD! ‘TAKE THIS DEAD GIRL. WALKIN’! HOW'D YOU FIND MY ADDRESS? LET'S BREAK THE BEDI ROCK THIS DRAD GIRL. WALKIN UTHINKYOU TORE MY NO SCREP TONIGHT For You, MATTRESS! BETTER CHUG THAT MOUNTAIN DEW. OKAY, OKAY! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR, (MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN, DISAPPEAR (OKAY! OKAY! SLAP MEI PULL MY HAIR, ‘TOUCH ME. ‘THERE AND THERE AND THERE. THERE! THERE! THERE! [BUT NO MORE TALKING!~ 56 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘VERONICA, Jp. ‘WHOA, 08,04, OAL LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL WALKIN WHOA! WHOA HEY HEY! ‘YEAB YEAH! LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL WACKIN'! WHOA! WHOA HEV HEN WAIT WAIT? ‘LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL. LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL- YEAH! YEAH! YEAH YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ow! YEAH - YEAH (They fall into the bed. Blackout.) (Spoitight on CHANDLER. She’ watching J.D. and ‘VERONICA sleep.) IMUSIG NO. 6A: “VERONICA’S CHANDLER NIGHTMARE?) SPOOKY TEENS. (offtage) HO... HO... ‘CHANDLER. Hello, slut, (VERONICA sits up in bed, freaked out.) ‘VERONICA. How did you get in here? (Lighis reveal SPOOKY TEENS somewitat incongrususly wearing gospel robes and ID glasses. Ferie choral vocals Inulin intensity under the following.) CHANDLER, I'm like oxygen. I'm everywhere. Really, Veronica. Sleeping vith psycho trenchcoat kid? 1 will crucify you for this. Everyone in school’s gonna know good little Veronica Sawyer is nothing but 2 dirty whore.HRATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘VERONICA. Why are you so determined to hurt me? CHANDLER, Because I can. It bé 0 very. ‘SPOOKY TEENS. ‘VERY! VERY! VERY? VERY VERY! VERY! VERY! VERY (The choral voices build to a scary climax. VERONICA sereams. Lights change; CHANDLER and the CHORUS sexit in darkness. Song ends.) OD. sits up in bd to comfort VERONICA, who i Shaking) |. You're soaking wet VERONICA, It was usta dream, (VERONICA jumps ou of bel and gets dase) J). What’s the rush? VERONICA. "ve gota get to Heather's house, ( |.b. Why You sid yon were done with eather ‘VERONICA Yea and iwas a sweet fantasy. A world without Heather. A world where everyone is free. But now its mmoming and T have to go kis her aerobicized a (VERONICA heads for the window.) J. Let me come with. VERONICA. Really? 4D. For backup. VERONICA, Okay, thanks. (VERONICA kisses.) VERONICA. By the way... (pats his ches!) You were my frst. (She elins out the window. 32. smiles and follows. Blackout.) [MUSIC NO. 6B: “DEATH AT DAWN” 358 HBATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Seven (Chandler's house, Two playing areas ~ Chandler’ bedroom and the kitchen. CHANDLER is still in bed.) (VERONICA and J.D. enter the hitchen.) VERONICA, (calls out) Heather? JD. Maybe she’s not here. VERONICA. ‘Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandima’s even when she’s not hung over. (calls ‘out) Heather! (CHANDLER bellows from her bedroom.) CHANDLER, What?! VERONICA. It’s Veronica, I'm here to apologize. CHANDLER. Hope you brought kneepads, bitch. Fix me & prairie oyster and I'll think about it. ‘VERONICA. (to J.D.) What's in that? Raw egg, vinegar... J.D. ..hot sauce, Worcester, salt and pepper. ‘VERONICA. You know your hangover cures, J.D. My dad taught me all kinds of stuff (VERONICA gathers te ingredients and powers them into a mug.) VERONICA. Oh, hey, here’s my revenge. I'm gonna drop. ‘oyster. She'll never (VERONICA hocks a loogie and spits into the mug. JD. pulls out some drain eleaner.) JD. T'm a *No Rust Build-up” man, myself ‘VERONICA, Don’t be a dick. That stuff'll kill her. ‘J.D. Thus ending her hangover. I say we go with Big Blue. GD. raises the glass, Light hits it — an iridescent blue guid.) VERONICA, What are you doing? You just can’t go, Besides, she'd never drink anything that looks like thatHEATHERS THE MUSICAL 80 JD. We'll use a mug. She won’t be able to tell what she's drinking (ED. pours the drain cleaner into an identical ceramic mug.) ‘VERONICA, Forget it. yn.cl ‘VERONICA. You're not funny. J. Okay, I'm sorry. (1. kisses VERONICA, long and slow.) (CHANDLER, Prairie oyster! Chop-chop! (Distracted by the kiss, VERONICA reaches for her mug without looking and mistakenty picks up the mug with {he drain cleaner init, She ersss to CHANDLER.) ID. (sees her mistake) Veronica ~ you. VERONICA. (turning back) T what? J. Good fuck, (LD. follows as VERONICA cautiously approaches CCHIANDEER in the bedroom Playing area.) VERONICA, Morning, Heather. (CHANDLER rouses href sods to each in turn.) CHANDLER. Ah, Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle surpreese. (CHANDLER grabs the mug.) CHANDLER, Let’s get to it. Beg ‘VERONICA. We both said things we didn’t mean last night. CHANDLER. I actually would prefer you did this on your knees. In front of your boy-toy here VERONICA, Uh-huh, Anyhow, I'm really sorry ~ CHANDLER, (interrupting) Do Look like 'm kidding? Down. (VERONICA slowly nets, unitate.) CHANDLER. Nice, But you're still dead to me. (CHANDLER deans the mag.)60 MEATHERS THE MUSICAL (Beat. A took of surprise evosses her face.) (CHANDLER, Corn Nuts! (CHANDLER staggers around the room and dies dramatically, pulling the curtains down onto herself ‘with e crash, filling the room with blinding sunlight.) (.D. and VERONICA stare in shock as CHANDLER dies.) JD. Holy crap. VERONICA. Don’t just stand there! Call 9111 0. checks for a pulse. Nothing.) J.D, Little late for that. VERONICA, Heather! Heather, wake up! Oh my God! I just Killed my best friend, JD. And your worst enemy. VERONICA, Same difference. The police are going to think 1 did this on purpose! They're gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin! 2. Unless... GD. picks up 2 book.) J, Look, She was reading The Bell far. [MUSIC NO. 6C: “PAIN IN MY PATIO” VERONICA, Oh no, LD. Oh yes. You can fake her handwriting. (He offins VERONICA 1 pen.) JD. Make her sound deep. Like this. J, THAD PAIN IN MY PATH, LIKE SYLVIA PLAT. MY PROBLEMS WERE MYRIAD. ‘VERONICA, TWAS HAVING My PERIOD. (Song ends as VERONICA giggles sterically, more from panic than mirth.)( HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 6 ED. This isn't fonny! You could go to jail! Get your head straight. Now! ‘VERONICA. Heather would never use the word “myriad,” ‘okay?! She missed ic on her vocabulary quiz. ED. So it's a badge for her failures at school! Work with VERONICA. Okay, okay. 1D. Think Jong and hard, Conjure her (VERONICA looks around, picks up a pad and pen, concentrates your mind, “What would she say? What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? [MUSIC NO. 7: “THE ME INSIDE OF ME”) ‘VERONICA. Dear world... ‘BELIEVE IT OR NOT, [KNEW ABOUT FEAR. 1 KNEW THE WAY LONELINESS... STUNG, {HID BEHIND SMILES AND CRAZY HOT CLOTHES. I LEARNED TO KISS BOYS WITH MY TONGUE, JB. That’s good, VERONICA. BUT OH, THE WORLD IT HELD ME DOWN. IT WEIGHED LIKE A... CONCRETE PROM QUEEN GROWN. (DEAD CHANDLER sits up. Only VERONICA sees he:) DEAD CHANDIER. NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS, NO ONE. GETS HER INSECURITY. TAM MORE THAN SHOULDER PADS AND MAKEUP. NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME. ‘Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply. JD. Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops. (Time passes. To policemen, OFFICER MCCORD and OFFICER MILNER, investigate the scene, standing over the dead body.)e MEATHERS THE MUSICAL mccon, Is it murder? (OMLNER picks up the suicide note.) MILNER. No, look, Here’s a suicide note. ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, MCCORD. “THEY COULDN'T SBE PAST MY ROCK STAR MYSTIQUE, ‘THEY WOULDN'T DARE LOOK IN MY EYES. ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, MILNER, ‘BUT JUST UNDERNEATH WAS A TERRIFIED GIRL. WHO CLINGS TO HER PILLOW AND CRIES! ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, COPS. ‘MY LOOKS WERE JUST LIKE PRISON BARS; ‘VERONICA & COPS. ‘THEY'VE LEFT ME A MYRIAD OF SCARS, DEAD CHANDLER, (impressed) "Myriad." Nice. (Lights change, We've back at school, The COPS hand the suicide note to PRINCIPAL GOWAN, 50s, probably ‘hates his job.) ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, COPS. [NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS SUBSTANCE, ‘THAT'S THE CURSP OF POPULARITY. (GOWAN reads the note aloud.) GOWAN, 1AM MORE THAN JUST A SOURCE OF HANDJOBS, ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, GOWAN, COPS. ‘NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME. (The COWS exit. GOWAN joins FLEMING and some FACULTY, including COACH RIPPER who is 40s, cex-jock. FLEMING cranks owt “ditios” on an old-school simeograph mackine.) (DEAD CHANDLER lounges nearby, an interested observer) CoacH, I'm tellin’ you, Principal Gowan ~ Heather handler is not your everyday suicide. You should cancel classes. GOWAN. No way, Goach. Isend the kids home before lunch, and the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree.MEATHERS THE MUSICAL 63 FLEMING. Our children are dying! What this school needs is a good old fashion rap session, I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk, And feel. ‘Together. GOWAN. Thank you, Ms. Fleming, Call me when the shuttle lands. (COACH and GOWAN chuckle. FLEMING shoots them both a dirty Look.) FLEMING. Go ahead, laugh at the hippy, but I'm telling you we all misjudged Heather Ghandler! Myself included! (FLEMING shoves the slack of ditto in COWAN’s face.) Have you read this suicide note?! Really read it? GOWAN. You...made copies? (FLEMING ignores him and reads aloud.) FLEMING & DEAD CHANDLER, BOX UP MY CLOTHING FOR GOODWILL, AND GIVE THE POOR MY NORDIC TRACK, DONATE MY CAR TO GUPPLED KIDS, ‘OR TO THOSE GHETTO MOMS ON CRACK GIVE THEM MY BATS AND MY ODS, MY PUMPS AND FLATS, MY THREE TVS! (RAM, KURT, MARTHA, J.D., VERONICA, PREPPY, REPUBLICANETTR, HIPSTER and MCNAMARA enter, ‘noting that something important seems to be going on.) DEAD CHANDIER é FACULTY. [NO ONE THINKS THE PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS; BUT [WEEP FOR ALL T FAILED TO BE, (LIAILED TO BE.) ‘MAYBE 1 CAN HELP THE WORLD BY LEAVING, MAYBE THAT'S THE ME INSIDE OF ME. GOWAN. Au, hell, Long weekend for everybody! (The STUDENTS cheer. The FACULEY MEMBERS esi, except for FLEMING twho stops the excited STUDENTS fiom leaving.) FLEMING, Not so fast, kids, They've refuelling the buses, Which gives us a solid halthour of healing,4 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (The STUDENTS groan.) (FLEMING passes around mimeograiphed copies. RAM holds his copy to his face, inhaling deeply, enjoying that mimeograph ink smell.) FLEMING. STUDENTS. Twant you all to study OOH. this suicide note so you OOH! ‘can really feel Heather's anguish, MCNAMARA. HER WORLD SEEMED LIKE A PERFECT PLACE... FLEMING. Go on! HIPSTER, BUT FRIENDS AND TO¥S HAD NO BR¥ECT! FLEMING. Feel! [REPUBLICANETTit "THAT'S WHY SHE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE ~ FLEMING, Heal! STUDENTS. "CAUSE SHE WAS DESPERATE TO CONNECT! (VERONICA snorts a laugh at the absurdity of allthis.) FLEMING. Veronica? Something on your mind? (VERONICA quickly converts her laughter into a fake sob.) VERONICA. Sorry, didn’t mean to lose control like this. 1's _just, this classroom discussion has stirred up emotions T haven't felt since Hands Across America, FLEMING. My God. LOOK WHAT WE'VE DONE, WE'RE BREAKING THROUGH! HEATHER WOULD BESO PROUD OF YOUt STUDENTS. AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! ANDYOU! FLEMING & STUDENTS. NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL GAN TOUCH YOU.