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THRIVING AT LAST
6 STEPS TO MIRACULOUSLY
TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE...
FROM THE INSIDE OUT

© COPYRIGHT 2019
BY FLOURISH
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 Table of Contents

Introduction

Step 1: Become Aware of Your Feelings

Step 2: Choose the Intent to Learn About Yourself and Others

Step 3: Compassionately Dialogue With Your Core Self / Inner

Child

Step 4: Discover the Loving Action Toward Your Inner Child

Step 5: Take the Loving Action

Step 6: Evaluate the Effectiveness of Your Loving Action

Putting It All Together

Examples of Inner Bonding Dialogue

Common Challenges and FAQ

Conclusion

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 Introduction

Have you ever had a loved one or co-worker ruin your day because they said
something rude, unkind or condescending, but you didn’t know how to respond
until much later, when it was too late?

Do you sometimes have inexplicable anxiety and irritability that seems to come
out of “nowhere” and causes you to lash out at your partner, kids, or others?
And then you feel guilty later?

Does your mood depend on your partner’s mood? So if they’re not happy, you
can’t be, either?

Do you often do things you tell yourself you don’t want to do: say yes to
requests when you’re already maxed out, eat that cookie, waste hours each
evening scrolling through social media—and then beat yourself up later for
being so weak-willed?

Are your work relationships difficult and contentious? Do you think it’s because
the people you work with don’t listen, don’t follow directions, or don’t care
enough? Or is it because people expect things of you that you can’t seem to
provide, no matter how hard you try?

When you look at your life, do you see every reason you should be happy—
the career, the house, the vacations, the friends, the endless options for
entertainment—but you aren’t really happy? And the more “stuff” you get in
order to solve your discomforts and create that sense of inner peace and
vitality, only seems to complicate your life more and more?

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 “Primarily, you’ll discover that the underlying cause of
all these problems isn’t the way people are treating you,
but the way you’re treating yourself.”

If you can relate to any of the above statements, you’re in the right place.
That’s because in this book, you’re going to learn why you feel stuck—
disconnected, anxious, depressed, guilty—and why you often berate
yourself or feel that there’s something wrong with you. You’ll find out why
you keep having the same difficult relational issues come up again and
again and again—sometimes with the same people, but sometimes the
same issues but with different people. You’ll understand why you harbor
resentments and get irritable, or feel guilty about things you don’t want to
feel guilty about.

Primarily, you’ll discover that the underlying cause of all these problems isn’t
the way people are treating you, but the way you’re treating yourself.

Most of us don’t know how to treat ourselves in a loving, compassionate

way. We accept the negative self-talk that seems to run in a loop inside
our minds as normal and par-for-the course. You’re lazy. You’re not as good
as other people. No one likes you. You are selfish. You’re not worthy of love.
You’ll never amount to anything. If our friends spoke to us the way we speak
to ourselves, we wouldn’t have those friends very long. And yet, we persist
in abusing ourselves, because we think it’s a way to motivate ourselves
to do better. Or, we don’t know why we have such negative self-talk. We
suspect that if we were to treat ourselves with more dignity and respect, by
saying “no” instead of “yes” when it’s better for us, or by giving ourselves the
consideration we want from others, that we would be acting in a selfish or
self-indulgent way.

We couldn’t be any more wrong!

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But why are we so wrong? Why do we believe that taking loving care of
ourselves is self-indulgent and entitled? Where do these thoughts and
assumptions about our self-worth come from?

And why do we keep attracting or repeating the same, tired conflicts with
the people in our lives?

The answer lies somewhere in the past—in childhood—at a point in our

development that created all the beliefs, coping skills and automatic,
unconscious responses that cause us to struggle today.

The Childhood Origin of Our Discontent and Interpersonal

Conflicts

We are born whole. What does that mean? That means that we are born as
integrated beings whose thoughts, feelings and actions are all in alignment.
We don’t come into this world making judgements about ourselves as
unworthy, unimportant or disempowered beings.

As infants or small toddlers, we are generally naturally confident. We know

what we want and what we don’t want. We say “no” or cry when we don’t
want something and we are unafraid to ask for what we want and need,
expressing ourselves with our whole body if necessary. We generally
express our love and affection unabashedly. We don’t second-guess
ourselves if we choose to play with this toy rather than that toy, or feel guilty
that we’d prefer ice cream over broccoli. We live in the moment. We don’t
worry about tomorrow or dwell in yesterday.

As we grow up, we learn about ourselves and about the world from our
parents or caregivers. We are taught parameters about what’s “good” and
what’s “bad”. Sometimes our parents tell us that we’re bad for behaving a
certain way. Because we are helpless to care for ourselves at such a young

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age, being loved and accepted by our parents was tantamount to survival in
our developing minds. We therefore equated being “bad” with a loss of love
(and therefore peril), so we would adjust our behavior (find ways to cope) in
order to feel safe.

We unconsciously perceived disapproval or a turning away by our parents

as abandonment or rejection, even when there was no intention on our
parent’s part to hurt us in any way. Five minutes of crying alone in our
crib may have felt like our survival was in danger to our baby mind. This
created a “wounding” in our psyche. Every one of us has suffered some
type of wounding like this in childhood, because no parent or caregiver can
be there for a child every second of every day. No parent can indulge a
child’s every whim or desire—that would actually be detrimental to a child’s
development. We all need to find ways to self-soothe and to feel the human
pain of separation, loneliness and helplessness over others.

Some of us grew up with these “normal” and inevitable wounds of

childhood, and some of us grew up in terribly neglectful or even abusive
households. The point is that none of us grew up in conditions that
would have rendered our childhoods immune from perceived or real
abandonment or rejection, and therefore, all of us have developed ways of
coping with these painful feelings.

Later in childhood, we observe our mothers and fathers or other caregivers,

and draw conclusions about ourselves and our relationships with others.
We either learn to trust people or fear people. We feel entitled or we feel
beholden. We learn to accept ourselves and our feelings, or we learn that
our feelings are “bad” and should be suppressed or hidden. We see the
way our parents or others related to each other and to others around them,
and conclude that either we are responsible for our feelings, that others are
responsible for our feelings, or that we are responsible for their feelings.
These messages become our internal guidance system for the world and
our place in it.

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These internal messages may be that we’re “unlovable” or “unworthy”, which
cause us pain. We don’t like to feel that pain, so we push it away, either by
distracting ourselves with addictions or by blaming others or circumstances
for what we’re feeling. It’s always someone else’s fault that we are angry,
bitter, sad or anxious. Or it’s bad luck, or the corrupt system. We are afraid of
facing these painful feelings because we believe we will be consumed by
them, or that they’ll last forever, neither of which is true.

To cope with these fears, we unconsciously fragment our psyche. We allow

that part of ourselves that carries all the wounds of childhood to run our
lives when things become tense, stressful or when painful feelings come up.
We lash out, we blame, we internalize our self-loathing with depression, we
people-please, or try to control others. We don’t know how to show up for
ourselves, how to stand up for ourselves, or how to set appropriate, loving
boundaries with others. We perpetuate the wounds of childhood by self-
abandoning—numbing out in the face of pain.

In other words, we don’t know how to be a Loving Adult for that wounded
Inner Child (see grey box for more) that is scared of being unloved and
left alone forever, so instead of listening to and caring for that Inner Child,
we let it a programmed wounded part of us - our ego wounded self - take
over. Our wounded self has learned many ways to avoid pain, and all these
ways are self-abandoning. This is why we react to things in ways we later
regret. Or why we lash out at people in ways that are over the top. Or why
we say “yes” when we really mean “no”. These are all examples of self-
abandonment.

Later, we look back at our outbursts, our mindless eating and TV watching,
our unbearable anxiety and obsession over someone’s rude behavior
toward us, and wish we could be more relaxed and confident in the face of
difficult situations. We want to be able to stand up for ourselves in a calm,
assertive manner that doesn’t leave us shamed and raw. We wish we didn’t
let people get to us as much as they do. We want to stop doing things on
impulse, and be more mindful with our habits and behavior.

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 Inner Child or Core Self:

Our true self or essence. It’s helpful to imagine the Inner Child or Core
Self as a bright and shining child, the natural light within that is an
individualized expression of Divine Love. This is an ageless aspect of
ourselves. Our Core Self/Inner Child contains our unique gifts and
talents, our natural wisdom and spontaneity, our curiosity and sense of
wonder, our playfulness, and our ability to love and connect with others.
This is the unwounded part of our soul.

The Core Self / Inner Child often communicates through our feelings. It’s
an inner guidance system that lets you know what’s good or bad for you.

We just don’t know how. The more we try to do better, the more we realize
that it’s much more complicated than we think. People don’t always respond
to us in the way we think they will. We may have success giving up a bad
habit one day, only to have it return more tenacious than ever the next day.

There is hope, however. You don’t have to suffer painful feelings, unwanted
and unhealthy habits, and difficult relationships. That’s because there is a
source of incredible self-healing power within you. When you discover the
source of your internal conflict, and take loving action on your own behalf,
you can begin to reduce the painful feelings that have been plaguing you,
perhaps your entire adult life. You can become whole again, and gain back
the inner peace and confidence that is your birthright—before all those
childhood wounds caused you to develop destructive coping skills.

The path toward healing is through the Six Steps of the Inner Bonding
process contained in this book. This process can help you uncover and
examine the false beliefs that originated earlier in your life, and help
you face the feelings that you’ve been suppressing or covering up with
addictions. It will allow you to be more compassionate with yourself and
others. It will show you how to listen to and soothe that Inner Child who’s

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been crying out for your love and attention. The process will show you how
to stop working so hard to get love, but instead be filled with love—from
within.

When you learn and practice the Six Step Inner Bonding process, you can
experience long-term, lasting and meaningful transformation in all aspects
of your life: your emotional wellbeing, your career, your health and your
relationships with others and with God / Higher Guidance (see box below
for more) / Universe.

Higher Guidance

The energy of unconditional love, truth, wisdom, peace and joy that
is available to all of us in the unseen spiritual realm when we learn to
access it. “God” refers to your personal experience of the Divine – a
person, a light, a presence, an energy, nature.

I use the terms “God”, “Spirit” and “Higher Power” and “Higher Guidance”
interchangeably. When I use the term “Higher Guidance” I am referring to
information coming through your mind (rather than from your mind), from
your personal experience of God, Goddess, Jesus, Buddha, a guardian
angel, a spirit guide, a mentor, a director, a teacher, a saint, a beloved
deceased relative or pet, an imaginary being, a light, a presence, an
energy, or the highest part of yourself.

Inner Bonding is a spiritually based, not religiously based, healing

pathway. You do not have to believe in God to practice Inner Bonding,
but you do need to learn how to access the guidance that is available to
you, whether you experience this as outside yourself or within yourself, or
as the highest part of yourself. Learning to access this higher guidance is
part of the practice of Inner Bonding.

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What Is Inner Bonding?

Inner Bonding is a process which, when practiced consistently, heals fear,

limiting beliefs, anger, shame, guilt, aloneness, depression, anxiety, addictive
behavior, and relationship problems. Inner Bonding provides you with the
skills to take loving care of yourself, share your love with others, and be
empowered to take full responsibility for all your own feelings and behavior.

It teaches you how to move out of being a victim of the past, of other
people, of circumstances and events, and into your personal power. It
teaches you how to heal feelings of aloneness by learning to connect with
yourself and your Higher Guidance.

Because Inner Bonding addresses universal human challenges, it works for

everyone, regardless of your spiritual beliefs or religious background, and
no matter how severely neglected, abused, indulged, or dominated you
were in childhood.

No matter how difficult life was for you as a child, or is for you now, there
is a part of you inside that was never wounded, that is whole, and that is
filled with love, peace and joy. Inner Bonding will teach you how to heal
the wounded parts of you so that you can discover your inner worth, your
personal power and inner peace. You will learn how to love yourself and
then be able to share that love with others.

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Why Do We Need Inner Bonding?

Most of us aren’t taught why we suffer with painful feelings, have negative
self-talk, or why we don’t love or honor ourselves. We simply don’t know
where all of this comes from. Our parents or caregivers likely didn’t teach
us, nor did the media, school or our friends growing up. We do what we see
most people do— we blame our circumstances for why we feel angry, or
depressed, or unfulfilled. We will waste a lot of time and resources trying to
make those circumstances better, often realizing after decades of attaining
and acquiring things and experiences that we may “have it all” but we
still don’t have relief from painful feelings. Or, we perpetuate our pain by
blaming ourselves, by telling ourselves we’re “bad” or “unworthy” or broken
somehow. We believe we’re lazy, selfish, unfocused, weak, undisciplined, or
any manner of derogatory traits, any of which explain why we can’t do what
we want to do, or be the person we wish we could be.

The truth is that most of our painful feelings stem from hundreds of false
beliefs that reside in the lower, unconscious part of our brain - our ego
wounded self (see grey box for more). These false beliefs govern our lives
and block our ability to manifest what we really want in life. These false
beliefs were programmed in our mind by the way that we were treated
growing up, or from what we observed from our parents or caregivers and
the way they treated themselves.

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Wounded Self:

A thought aspect of us, or the ego. It is helpful to imagine the wounded

self as being the wounded Inner Child who then learned to be an
unloving adult. The wounded self is housed in part of the lower brain
called the amygdala, or the seat of our fight or flight stress response. Our
false beliefs trigger this response.

Your wounded self is the aspect that carries the fears, false beliefs, and
controlling behavior that results from not getting the love you needed as
a child, or as a result of abuse or neglect. It is the aspect of you that turns
to addictions to numb out fear, loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness
over others and situations.

The wounded self fears abandonment or rejection on one hand, and

engulfment and smothering on the other.

One of the major false beliefs of the Wounded Self is that we, as
separate egos cut off from a Higher Power, can have power over
ourselves and others, and, to a certain extent, control others’ behavior
(although not their feelings). When we attempt to do this we violate
ourselves and others.

The wounded self is willing to violate the Core Self in order to have this
control.

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The Inner Bonding process is necessary because in order to heal from
painful feelings and self-deprecation, we need to become aware and
mindful of these false beliefs, so we can stop perpetuating them.

If we perpetuate the false beliefs we have about ourselves, we continue

to abandon or punish ourselves the way we were abandoned, punished,
ignored, pushed aside or neglected growing up. In other words, if we
continue treating ourselves the way we were treated growing up, we will re-
traumatizes ourselves over and over.

This is why the Inner Bonding process is important, and why it’s so powerful
and healing. It shows you how to examine the origins of your painful feelings
without judgement and without shame. It teaches you how to let go of
those false beliefs and how to take loving action to finally come through for
yourself in a way you haven’t been able to your entire life. It allows you to
let go of the anxiety that stems from a deep, unconscious mistrust that you
can’t be loving to yourself or do what’s in your best interest, because you’ll
finally know how to trust and care for yourself.

In a sense, Inner Bonding is the anecdote to the trauma that we re-create on

a daily basis when we don’t love ourselves.

The process of Inner Bonding is so effective because with practice, it

can help us reprogram our brain. Our minds are incredibly resilient and
malleable. By being open to learning and practicing new thoughts and
behaviors, we can generate new neuropathways in the brain and literally
change the way we think, feel and behave in the future. It doesn’t happen in
an instant, and it doesn’t happen simply because you read the words in this
book. It happens when you practice the Six Steps, and practice as often as
possible. It may take several weeks or months of practice, but eventually,
you will notice many benefits that you couldn’t even imagine before.

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 “By being open to learning and practicing new thoughts
and behaviors, we can generate new neuropathways in
the brain and literally change the way we think, feel and
behave in the future.”

What Are the Benefits of the Inner Bonding Process?

When you learn and practice the Inner Bonding process, you become more
mindful of what you are feeling, and you begin to pay attention to what
those feelings mean in the context of what is happening in your life. You
evaluate the validity of the beliefs you’ve taken for granted about yourself
and your relationships with other people your entire life. You recognize that
inner conflict arises when there’s a disparity between what you feel in your
gut you should do, versus what you believe or think you should do. You can
then choose to take actions that will allow you to feel at peace with yourself.

Inner Bonding can also give you the tools to:

• Discover how to create peace, happiness, joy, love, fun, freedom, and
an inner sense of safety
• Heal fear, anxiety, hurt, anger, violence, jealousy, shame, depression
and addictive behavior
• Get unstuck from persistent unproductive or unhealthy behavior
patterns
• Resolve conflicts and power struggles
• Create deeply satisfying and enduring love relationships
• Release your creativity
• Connect with your personal inner or spiritual guidance
• Open your heart and become a more loving, forgiving and
compassionate human being
• Recognize your true worth

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 • Discover your passion and purpose in life
• Create meaning in your life
• Take loving care of your heart, mind, body, and spirit
• Take responsibility for your own feelings of pain and joy, safety and
worth
• Learn to manifest your dreams

Inner Bonding is a process that heals on the core level, enabling you to
move beyond the fears and beliefs that limit you and allow you to create the
life you’ve dreamed of.

Can the Process of Inner Bonding Can Help You?

• The process of Inner Bonding can help you if:

• You persistently feel insecure and inadequate.
• You have unwanted addictions to food, substances, alcohol, work, sex,
or media.
• Your mood is affected by frequent negative self-talk, or because
you berate yourself over some perceived character flaw (I’m lazy, I’m
stupid, I’m worthless, etc.).
• You feel resentful, angry, or unloving toward others.
• You dislike how moody you are for what seems like no good reason.
• You feel alone or unworthy of love.
• You feel responsible for the happiness of others, which means
if they’re upset, you feel upset, too. When you try to take care of
yourself, you feel guilty or selfish.
• You are afraid or you hesitate to speak up when you’re
uncomfortableor in distress, for fear of upsetting someone or calling
attention to yourself.
• You’re more worried or concerned about a loved one’s feelings than
you are about your own feelings.

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 • You blame others for your painful feelings most of the time.
• You see yourself as a “victim” of another’s neglect, contempt, or
criticism.
• You don’t know how to stop feeling bad or what to do to feel happier
most of the time.

The Inner Bonding process consists of six steps:

Step 1: Become Aware of Your Feelings.

Choose to be aware of your feelings. Be willing to take responsibility for the

ways in which you may be causing your own pain, for nurturing your core
pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.

Step 2: Choose the Intent to Learn About Yourself and Others.

Choose the intent to learn to love yourself and others. Making this choice
opens your heart, allows Divine Love and Compassion in, and moves you
into your loving Adult.

Step 3: Compassionately Dialogue With Your Core Self / Inner Child.

Compassionately dialogue with your Core Self / Inner Child, discovering

your thoughts/false beliefs and the resulting behaviors that are causing
your painful wounded feelings. Open to exploring what happened in your
childhood that created your loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness over
others, and the resulting false beliefs.

Step 4: Dialogue with Your Spiritual/Higher Guidance to Discover the

Loving Action Toward Yourself.

Dialogue with your spiritual guidance, exploring the truth and loving
actiontoward your Inner Child.

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Step 5: Take the Loving Action.

Take the loving action you were guided to take in Step 4.

Step 6: Evaluate the Effectiveness of Your Loving Action.

Evaluate the loving action you took on behalf of the Inner Child in Step 5.
What are you feeling and experiencing? If healing is not occurring, go back
to Step 4 to discover an alternative loving action.

How Is Inner Bonding Different Than Other Therapy

Modalities?

Inner Bonding is different than traditional psychotherapy, and different than

“pop” psychotherapy, because it bridges the gap between psychology and
spirituality.

Traditional psychology focuses on recognizing and healing painful feelings,

while spirituality stresses the importance of connecting with a Higher Power.
Neither psychology nor spirituality has helped individuals to develop a
personally-responsible loving Adult self who has a deep connection with
a Higher Power or Higher Self, and with the inner Child - our beautiful soul
essence, who so desperately needs comforting, nurturing and healing.

Inner Bonding differentiates between the earthly and the spiritual, between
the intent to get love and the intent to give love, between power over others
and power within self. It provides a much-needed process for moving out
of fear and into love, out of the need to control and into trust, so you can
weather the storms of everyday life and embrace the sacred privilege of life
on this planet.

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A Caveat

The 6-step Inner Bonding process is not psychotherapy. It is a self-

exploration and self-healing process. However, this does not mean that
you can always do it alone. We encourage you to reach out to other people
when needed. If you run into feelings that you cannot manage alone,
please seek the help you need. If you are already working with a counselor
or therapist, this program with support the work you are doing. Issues
of sexual or physical abuse need to be healed with the help of a trained
psychotherapist or an Inner Bonding facilitator.

How to Use This Book

You’ll get the most out of this book by reading all the way through to the
end of the chapter about Step 6, and then taking the time to do the self-
reflection exercises at the end of each chapter / Step. You may wish to print
out the entire book or just the pages with the reflection exercises in order
to fill out your answers, or write your answers in a separate notebook. Doing
these exercises will help you address your inner conflict or personal painful
feelings.

To address a specific conflict with another person, painful or uncomfortable

feeling, or relationship issue, you can proceed to the chapter entitled,
Putting It All Together. There, I will take you through a series of questions
that will help you identify what you’re feeling, assist you with the dialogues
with your Inner Child and your wounded self, and show you how to decide
on the loving action to take to heal the conflict.

If you have questions about the process, or feel stuck, you will want to read
the chapter on Common Challenges and FAQ to get clarity.

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 Step 1: Become Aware of Your Feelings

Choose to be aware of your feelings. Be willing to take responsibility for the

ways in which you may be causing your own pain, for nurturing your core pain,
and for creating your own peace and joy.

You want to be happy and at peace, but something is in the way. What is it?

Maybe you’ve been thinking of a conversation you had with a friend that left
you unsettled. You’re worried about your child’s health or whether they’re
stressed at school. Your partner has been distant and moody lately, and in
the back of your mind you wonder if it’s because of something you said.

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If you’re looking for reasons why you’re not experiencing contentment and
joy, chances are, you’ll find them. But the real reason you’re unsettled or
unhappy may not have to do with your circumstances at all. Ironically, you’re
unable to experience peace because you’re not allowing yourself to feel
or fully examine your feelings. You may not even be giving yourself five
minutes of quiet space to ponder, “What am I feeling right now?” Instead,
you fill up every moment with work, cleaning, writing to-do lists, texting or
watching TV.

You’re choosing to distract yourself from the painful feelings that you don’t
want to feel, for fear they’ll overwhelm you. So what do you do? You stuff
down what feels like boredom, anxiety and malaise with addictions and
blame. You overeat, you drink too much, you waste time on social media.
You believe it’s someone else’s fault—whatever you think your boss, your
parents, your friend, your spouse, or your child did—that’s the reason you
aren’t able to relax.

Your feelings need to be felt and acknowledged. That’s why the first step to
Inner Bonding is being willing to examine, feel and take responsibility for all
the range of emotions you have, up until now, been stuffing down, ignoring,
or denying.

It all starts with willingness.

Are You Ready and Willing to Do What It Takes to Heal?

Are you ready and willing to feel, understand, and take full responsibility for
the whole range of your feelings?

This is an important question to ask yourself, because you cannot begin a

journey without the willingness to do so. You must be willing to look at your
painful feelings and admit to your negative self-talk; otherwise, you

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cannot heal yourself or evolve your soul. It means you’re willing and ready
to examine the whole range of your feelings—from fear, anger, hurt, shame,
depression, loneliness, heartache and heartbreak, to safety, worth, lovability
and joy.

Willingness also means that you are ready to see how you are responsible
for many of your own feelings by seeing how you’re creating them with your
thoughts, beliefs and actions.

Willingness means that you have decided to face your fears, your demons,
the shadow side of yourself you hide from everyone. It also means you are
ready to stop hiding from yourself; in other words, to stop being in denial
about the pain you are in. Willingness means being ready to learn to love
rather than ignore or judge your painful feelings. Willingness means that you
are ready to ask for help from your higher Guidance - and from others who
can bring Divine love through to you - to help you heal.

It means that you have admitted to yourself that you cannot find the safety
you seek without spiritual guidance, that you are ready to invite Spirit into
your heart to nurture and guide you. It means that you have embraced the
journey, and you honor the sacred privilege of learning about yourself.

“Why Do I Need to Feel My Pain?”

When I tell people that they need to be willing to feel their pain, they often
say to me, “What’s the big deal about that? I feel my pain all the time.”
But there is a world of difference between feeling pain and having the
willingness to feel it in order to learn from it and take responsibility for it.
There is no healing in just feeling and expressing your pain.

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You can cry and rage forever, but if you are not willing to take responsibility
for your pain, you will be stuck with it forever.

Sometimes people ask, “Why? Why feel my pain? What’s the point?” They
believe that feeling pain— especially the pain of childhood—is a waste of
time. “Why dredge up the past?” they argue. “Why can’t we just try to find
our joy and skip the pain?”

The answer is: because your pain is telling you that you are off-track in your
thinking and behavior. It’s telling you that you are going the wrong way on
the freeway of life. In addition, joy and pain are in the same place in the
heart. When you put a lid on your pain and stuff it back inside, you also put
a lid on your joy. Without examining your pain, you can’t experience true joy.
You become emotionally stunted.

“You can cry and rage forever, but if you are not willing
to take responsibility for your pain, you will be stuck with
it forever.”

Pain is how your Inner Child lets you know that you may be behaving in
ways that are not in your highest good, or that you need to compassionately
nurture yourself and take loving action on your own behalf. Pain is also your
teacher in other ways. For example, if you are sawing a piece of wood and
you accidentally slice into your finger, the physical pain you experience tells
you to stop sawing! The same is true of your emotional pain; it tells you to
stop thinking or doing the thing that is causing you pain. If you do not pay
attention to your emotional pain, you will go on thinking and acting in ways
that are causing your pain. What’s more, you will develop unhealthy, even
harmful, mechanisms for not feeling your emotional pain: addictions to
substances, people, manipulations, activities and things.

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We all have two kinds of painful feelings:

1. Our wounded feelings that we cause with our thoughts and actions.

2. Our existential core feelings of grief, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak,

which are normal and the result of life.

Feelings such as anger, anxiety, stress, depression, hurt, guilt, shame,

frustration, emptiness and aloneness are wounded feelings coming from
our own thoughts and actions.

Ask yourself this: When you want to:

• Binge
• eat sugar
• drink alcohol
• use drugs
• smoke
• blame
• hit
• appease or resist someone
• run away
• turn on the TV
• gamble
• shop
• masturbate with pornography
• demand sex from your partner
• compulsively act out in any way

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...what are you feeling? Are you feeling anxious, fearful, angry, depressed,
shamed, guilty, hurt, alone, rejected, helpless, lonely, heartbroken, sad,
unworthy?

Are you turning to your addictions to distract you from your painful feelings?
Are you willing to be open to learning from these feelings instead of
blocking them with addictive behavior?

The idea of feeling your long-suppressed emotional pain may be very scary
to you. The truth is, you can handle it when you learn how, which is a major
part of the Inner Bonding process. Your fear of those feelings is based on
beliefs about pain that you acquired in childhood, beliefs that are false now
that you are an adult. Let’s take a look at some of them.

False Beliefs about Pain

When we were very small, we could not handle our pain alone. Our little
bodies were too small to endure the huge energy of physical and emotional
pain, so unless we had loving parents to help us when we were in pain, we
learned various ways to numb out and endure it.

As adults with grown-up bodies, we can now handle the big energy of
emotional pain, once we learn how to do it. Most of us don’t realize this.
Nor do we realize that we are no longer victims. We now have choices we
didn’t have when we were young. We can learn to notice our thoughts and
behavior that may be creating our pain and access the truth. We can leave a
painful situation, call a friend or therapist for help, and learn to bring through
Divine love and compassion—all things we could not do for ourselves when
we were small.

• What beliefs do you have about your pain? See if you relate to any of
these.
• I can’t handle my pain. It’s too much for me. I’ll go crazy or explode

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 • into a million pieces and die from it.
• If I open to my pain, it will be unending, a bottomless pit with no way
out. Better to keep a lid on it.
• There is no point in feeling my pain.
• No one wants to hear my pain. If I open to my pain, I will end up alone.
• Feeling and showing my pain is a sign of weakness and will lead to my
being rejected.
• Feeling my pain makes me too vulnerable to being controlled by
others.

To move beyond these false beliefs, you must be willing to test them and
prove them false. And to test them, you must resist the urge to blunt your
pain with addictions (which includes controlling behavior - see box for
more). You see, until you stop numbing out in the face of your pain—or self-
abandoning (see box for more)—you will never know that you can feel your
pain without going crazy or dying, that your pain is not endless, and that it
can actually be a source of information and strength rather than weakness.

In all the years I’ve been working with people in pain, I’ve never had anyone
die, explode or go crazy from opening to their pain. I’ve never met anyone
whose pain was unending. Nor do people kill themselves from feeling their
pain when they are willing to learn how to heal it, and when they reach out
for the appropriate help.

It is not opening to pain and learning how to manage it lovingly that causes
suicidal feelings; it is sitting in pain with no inner and outer help that causes
a person to take his or her own life. Suicide may be how the wounded self
avoids taking responsibility for being the cause of much emotional pain. A
Loving Adult (see box for more) would never think of killing a child, which is
what some acts of suicide are—killing the Inner Child who carries the pain.

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Controlling Behavior

The words and behavior we use with others in order to avoid pain and
get love. Sometimes we want to control what people do and sometimes
we want to control how they feel about us and react to us. Examples of
controlling behavior are:

• Yelling, getting angry

• Criticizing, judging
• Pouting, sulking
• Becoming ill
• Drama
• Being sneaky/deceptive
• Lying or withholding the truth
• Therapizing, analyzing
• Whining, complaining
• People-pleasing
• Threats and ultimatums

Self-Abandoning

Acting in ways that are not in your highest good. Numbing out in the face
of painful feelings.

Loving Adult

The aspect of ourselves that is able to nurture and protect us by setting

appropriate boundaries with others and with ourselves, by setting limits
to addictive and destructive behaviors. It is the vehicle through which the
Spirit of love and compassion comes through for us.

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When you open to feeling, learning about and healing your pain, and learn
how to manage and release deep pain, there is no longer a need to avoid it.

Some people have such deep pain from childhood abuse that they will
not be able to endure opening to it until they have a solid, loving, spiritually
connected Adult in place. The Adult is that aspect of ourselves through
which the Spirit of love and compassion comes through. The Adult part
of us knows how to set appropriate boundaries and limits, with others
and with ourselves (through curbing addictive and controlling behaviors).
Inner Bonding is a powerful process for developing this Adult. It is not
advisable to attempt to open to the pain of severe abuse on your own.
If you suspect that you may have deep buried pain or if you have not
succeeded in feeling your pain despite a genuine willingness to do so,
it is imperative that you receive therapeutic help while practicing the Six
Steps of Inner Bonding. While Inner Bonding is a self-help process, this does
not mean that you have to do it alone. Part of being a loving Adult is asking
for help when help is needed.

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Reflection Exercise:

Personal History With Regard to Parents or Caregivers

Write down your answers to these questions:

Do you think your parents or caregivers liked you?

Did they think you were a wonderful person, or was there always
something wrong with you?

Did you often feel that you were just good enough? Or, did you believe
you were a bad person?

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If you lived with your parents, how did they treat each other? Open and
respectful? One angry and the other compliant or resistant? Both angry?
Ignoring each other? Shaming and blaming each other? Nagging?

Was there violence in your home?

How did your parents or other caregivers treat themselves?

Did they abuse substances? Alcohol, drugs, food?

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Did one always put themselves aside for the other?

Did your mother or other caregiver allow herself to be physically or

sexually abused?

Did either of your parents or other caregivers allow themselves to be

emotionally abused? What do you remember about this?

Were one or both always overworked? If yes, explain what you observe
or remember.

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Did either of them ever play?

Did either of them ask for what they wanted?

Did either of them take responsibility for their own happiness?

Were either of them happy some of the time? Much of the time?

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Was there laughter is your home?

How did your parents or caregivers deal with pain? Did they see it as
weak to show pain? Did you ever see either of them cry? What do you
remember?

Were they victims or did they take responsibility for their pain?

Were they there for each other when one was in pain?

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Were they there for you when you were in pain?

Was anyone ever there for your pain? Or, did you get the message that
they couldn’t handle their own pain or yours? Did they shame you for
your pain and your tears?

How did your parents treat you when they were needy, lonely, angry,
anxious, overwhelmed, or drunk? Did they yell at you, beat you, sexually
abuse you, neglect or ignore you, smother you, shame you, threaten you,
blame you, or nag at you?

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Remember a time when you did something your parents, grandparents,
foster parents, or other caregivers didn’t like – broke a toy or broke
something of theirs, or did poorly in school, or talked back, or cried,
or hit a sibling or another child, or got into some other sort of trouble.
How did your parents or caregivers handle it? Were they angry, violent,
disapproving, hard, silent, critical, judgmental, shaming, cold, nagging,
etc. or loving, understanding, caring, open?

When you did something positive – accomplished something, got good

grades, were kind to someone, had a talent – how did they respond to
you? Were they interested and loving, or did they ignore you? Did they
attend important school events or were they too busy or uninterested.
Did you feel important or unimportant to them?

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Filling out your history is not about blaming anyone. It is just an
experience to help you understand where you learned your beliefs and
behavior. Don’t worry if you don’t remember much. Just fill out as much
as you can and let the rest go. This is not a test in which you have to have
right answers.

As you practice Inner Bonding, you will slowly remember more and more
of your past. Whenever you want you can go back into your personal
history and change it or fill in more of it.

Now that you have reflected on your childhood, it’s time to take inventory
of what feelings are arising.

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Reflection Exercise: Taking Inventory of Your Feelings

Focus inside your body, attending to the physical sensations. Breathe into
any painful feelings, embracing them with deep compassion. Is there any
tension, tightness, fluttering, emptiness, aloneness, loneliness, sadness,
heartache, heartbreak?

If so, where do you feel that sensation?

What is the quality of the sensation or feeling? Is it a tightness? A sharp

pain? A dull, aching sensation? A constriction? Stinging?

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Sit and keep your feelings company while moving on to the next
visualization and reflection exercise.

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Reflection Exercise: Wanting Responsibility for Your
Feelings

As you may recall from this chapter, we all have two kinds of painful
feelings:

1. Our wounded feelings that we cause with our thoughts and actions.

2. Our existential core feelings of grief, sadness, loneliness and

heartbreak, which are normal and the result of life.

Feelings such as anger, anxiety, stress, depression, hurt, guilt, shame,

frustration,emptiness and aloneness are wounded feelings coming from
our own thoughts and actions.

Below is a list of wounded feelings that come from our thoughts and
actions.

Check the ones you are aware of experiencing some or much of the
time. You might relate to a few of these or to many of them. Most people
experience some of these some of the time. It will be much easier to be
honest with yourself about the characteristics of your wounded self if you
can suspend judgment. Remember, we all have a wounded self.

OO I am afraid of being rejected and/or abandoned.

OO I am afraid of being dominated, engulfed, controlled.

OO I am concerned with the right way to do things - with rules and

shoulds.

OO I feel either one-up or one-down.

OO I need to feel special to others. I need to feel that I am #1.

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OO I need to feel in control over how people feel about me.

OO I need to feel that I am in control over the outcome of things.

OO I need to feel in control over getting love and avoiding pain.

OO I need to feel that I have power over other people.

OO I am dependent upon others for my feelings of worth and

loveability.

OO My worth is defined by how others feel about how I look. I feel

insecure if I think I don’t measure up regarding my looks.

OO My worth is defined by how others feel about my performance. I

have to be right and do things right in others eyes to be worthy,
and I often feel anxious about this. I feel defensive if I think
someone is or might be upset with something they think I’ve done
wrong.

OO I want instant gratification and I get impatient when I don’t get what
I want.

OO I feel used by others.

OO I use others.

OO I feel victimized.

OO I feel sorry for myself.

OO I am afraid of being alone.

OO I am afraid of feeling lonely.

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OO I fear feeling helpless over others and the outcome of things.

OO I am afraid of my feelings of aloneness, loneliness, heartache,

heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, grief, and helplessness over others.

OO I am needy and self-centered.

OO I am jealous and envious.

OO I often think that others are being judgmental toward me or angry

at me.

OO It is hard for me to look honestly at myself.

OO I often think about the past and project it onto the present and
future. I have a hard time being in the present moment.

OO I go into resistance when I’m afraid someone is trying to control

me.

OO I am afraid of the unknown.

OO I do not have faith that anything beyond myself is really here for
me.

OO People owe me. I have a sense of entitlement.

OO I need to accumulate money and things in order to feel safe and

worthy.

OO I give to others in order to get their attention and approval.

OO I cannot feel for others - I lack empathy.

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 OO I am unaware of how my behavior affects others until after the fact
or until someone tells me about it.

OO I tend to be reactive to others rather than staying centered in

myself.

OO I have a hard time staying in touch with my own feelings.

OO I am much more aware of others’ feelings than I am of my own

feelings.

OO Other _____________________________________________________

Painful feelings such as loneliness, heartache and heartbreak,

helplessness over others, grief, sorrow over people hurting other people,
or outrage over injustice are existential core painful feelings. They
happen as a result of life circumstances. Someone dies, our children
leave the house and go away to college, we read something in the news
about a tragedy that breaks our heart. These feelings aren’t the result of
our thoughts or behavior, they happen to everyone and are part of life.

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Taking Responsibility

Do you want to take full, 100% responsibility for learning how you are
creating your wounded feelings and for learning how to nurture your
core feelings? If you do, then you can move on to Step Two of Inner
Bonding.

If you don’t, then you might want to explore what is keeping you from
wanting this responsibility. Are you deeply devoted to someone else
taking away your pain and making you happy, believing that someone
else can do it better than you? Are you afraid that you can’t do it - that
you are inadequate and can’t learn to access your guidance and learn
to take loving action? These are just two of the many false beliefs that
might keep you stuck in being a victim.

What is keeping you from taking responsibility for your feelings right now,
if anything?

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For the sake of this course, you might want to decide that you are willing
to take temporary responsibility, just as an experiment!

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 Reflection Exercise: How Codependent Are You?

When we are in our wounded self, we are codependent—that is,

dependent upon others for our definition of our worth, for our sense of
safety, for our well-being, and for our aliveness and connectedness.
Codependence is the opposite of wholeness (see box below), which
means NOT being dependent on others for your sense of worth, but
rather, relying on your inner resources and Higher Guidance for your
well-being and contentment.

Codependence

Relying on others for your definition of worth, sense of safety, well-being,

and for your aliveness and connectedness.

Wholeness

Relying on yourself for your sense of worth, sense of safety, well-being,

and for your aliveness and connectedness.

Codependence is based on the false beliefs that:

1. I am bad, wrong, defective, unworthy, unlovable.

2. My worth and lovability are defined outside myself.

3. My feelings—my pain and joy—come from outside myself.

4. I cannot handle the pain of the loss of love.

Take the following two quizzes to gauge your level of codependence or

wholeness.

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Codependency Quiz:

Rate the following on a scale of 0 to 5

On a scale of 0 (never true for me) to 5 (always true for me), I have the
following codependency ratings :

___I only enjoy my new car when other people see it.

___I believe I look good only when I get compliments.

___I feel humiliated if others see my house messy.

___I feel shamed by my mistakes.

___My best feelings come from others’ approval.

___Winning is important to me.

___I have to be the best at everything.

___I feel lonely when I am alone.

___I worry about making a fool of myself.

___I love to be seen as generous and philanthropic.

___I often feel left out.

___I can’t be alone. I am afraid to be alone.

___I take others’ behavior personally and often feel hurt.

___My anger comes from other’s behavior and I am justified in being

angry when others let me down.

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___I feel powerless over my own feelings - over my own pain and joy.

___I feel responsible for others’ feelings. Others’ pain is my fault and it’s
my responsibility to make others happy.

Wholeness Quiz:

Again, rate the following on a scale of 0 to 5.

On a scale of 0 (never true for me) to 5 (always true for me), I have the
following wholeness ratings:

___I enjoy alone time.

___I have many hobbies.

___I enjoy my creativity.

___Spirituality is important to me.

___I value my body, health and well-being.

___I can laugh at myself.

___I am the one responsible for my feelings of hurt, pain and joy.

___I get pleasure out of others’ joy.

___I am generally aware of my feelings and my responsibility for them.

___I feel rich and whole just walking in the woods.

___I am deeply aware of my own goodness, worth and lovability.

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___It is okay if others don’t see my goodness, worth and lovability.

___I can feel inner peace even when doing mundane tasks.

___I do not feel responsible for others’ feelings.

___I am willing to lose others rather than lose myself.

___I have the power to make myself happy.

___I am open to learning about my own feelings and needs and open to
learning about others’ feelings and needs.

Your Results

Compare your two scores. The score on the first codependence quiz
suggests the degree of codependency. The score on the second
quiz suggests the degree of wholeness. The lower the score, the
less codependent or whole you are. The higher the score, the more
codependent or whole you are.

The idea is to begin to understand how you are most motivated—

externally or internally.

Why does this matter in the context of being mindful of your feelings and
taking responsibility for them?

It matters because healing requires a shift from external to internal

motivation and reference. This means healing involves learning how
to let go of blaming others for your feelings and discomfort and
replacing blame with concern for how to best care for your Inner Child
in any situation. Steps 2-5 of Inner Bonding will guide you in how to do
this.

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Step 2: Choose the Intent to Learn About
Yourself and Others

Choose the intent to learn to love yourself and others. Making this choice
opens your heart, allows Divine Love and Compassion in, and moves you into
your loving Adult. Use any meditation or spiritual practice--or anything else—
that helps you surrender and opens your heart to a compassionate intent to
learn about how you might be causing your wounded feelings, and to being
able to nurture your core painful feelings.

Jaime and Ellen have been friends for several years, but recently Ellen has
been getting on Jaime’s nerves.

Ellen has been dealing with some personal problems in her marriage, and
this has caused her to reach out to Jaime on several occasions for advice.
At first, Jaime didn’t mind listening to Ellen as she complained about her
husband. It seemed like a temporary challenge to what otherwise looked
like a loving, stable marriage to Jaime.

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But over the last several weeks, Ellen has been calling or texting Jaime
a few times per day to relay what she considers the latest outrageous
behavior by her husband. At first, Jaime was thoughtful and supportive in her
responses to Ellen. But the calls and texts were getting too time-consuming
and frequent and were beginning to interfere with Jaime’s focus at work, or
her enjoyment with her own time with her husband.

In the last text message that Ellen sent to Jaime, she asked if they could
meet somewhere for lunch. Jaime didn’t respond right away. But she
couldn’t stop thinking about all the things she wanted to write back, either.
By the time she decided she needed to reply, she was seething.

But just as she was picking up her phone to text Ellen, it rang.

“Jaime, where are you? How come you didn’t respond to my text this
morning?”

“You know Ellen, you need to get a grip. I don’t have time for this! I have stuff
in my life going on, too, you know!”

Jaime clicked “end call” and sat at her desk, shaking.

“Wow, Where Did That Come From?”

In the above story, Jaime experienced an overwhelming feeling of

resentment and anger toward her friend Ellen that seemed to come out of
“nowhere”.

At the moment when she realized she was getting irritated, which may have
been much earlier than the day she received the lunch invitation from Ellen,
she had a choice.

She could either blame Jaime for her feelings, in which case Jaime would
become the scapegoat for them, or she could reflect on the feelings that
were arising within her and take 100% responsibility for them.

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Taking responsibility means NOT blaming her friend for “making” her
irritated or looking for reasons why she felt that way: Ellen disrespected her,
didn’t value her time, was needy, etc.

It means stepping out of your automatic reactions and instead pausing,

and stepping into an intent to learn more about your feelings. This is taking
responsibility for them, and it’s one of the most healing things you can do for
yourself.

Why Taking Responsibility Heals Your Wounded Self

Have you ever had a situation where you felt suddenly angry, scared,
anxious and you blamed someone or something for your feelings? We all
have.

When you shift to an intent to learn, you get out of “blame” mode. You stop
criticizing or judging yourself or the person with whom you’re interacting for
how you feel. Instead, you approach your reaction with curiosity.

“Where did that feeling come from? Why am I feeling this right now?”

It’s not about what the person did today to you that matters to you, but the
origin of the feelings that are arising within you. What happened in your
past that makes this situation particularly ripe with anger / sadness / guilt /
resentment for you right now?

“When you shift to an intent to learn, you get out of

“blame” mode. You stop criticizing or judging yourself
or the person with whom you’re interacting for how you
feel. Instead, you approach your reaction with curiosity.”

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Knowing this will enable you to make new choices that will be more loving to
yourself (more about this in Steps 3-5). Choosing the intent to learn releases
your individual will and allows Spirit into your heart so that you operate as a
Loving Adult. You cannot learn and grow and heal unless you are a curious,
compassionate Loving Adult, and you cannot be a Loving Adult unless
you are open to learning with and in conscious surrender to your Higher
Guidance.

You cannot learn and grow and heal if you’re always blaming others or
outside circumstances for your painful feelings.

Surrender your individual will, let go of control over the outcome of things,
and invite the presence of Divine love and compassion into your heart. It will
move you into a true intent to learn about how to love your Inner Child.

What Is Surrender?

You may be uncomfortable with the word, “surrender”. Lots of people are.
So let’s talk about what surrender is, and what it isn’t.

Surrender is not an act of acquiescence, but an invitation to your Higher

Guidance to use your being as a vessel of love, compassion and truth.
Surrender does not mean that you give up the things that are important to
you. It does not mean that you have no personal goals and just wait to see
what God does with you. Nor does it mean relinquishing your free will or
giving up your “normal” life for a more ascetic life.

Surrender means that you relinquish the controlling thoughts from your
programmed mind and let Spirit take over, so that you, as a Loving Adult,
can embrace your wounded self rather than be your wounded self. It means
opening your body, mind, heart and soul to the presence and action of your
Higher Guidance. Surrender means letting go of attachment to the outcome
and opening to an exciting journey of discovery.

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The Desire to Love Must Be Stronger Than the Desire to
Protect, Control and Avoid

The idea of choosing to learn to love sounds simple, yet doing it is not
always easy. In order to let Divine love into your heart, your desire to learn to
love must be stronger than your desire to protect yourself against the pain
of rejection, engulfment, helplessness, or whatever else you fear. You must
decide that loving is more important to you than anything else, even being
controlled, hurt or manipulated by others.

“As long as your focus is on blaming your past, others

or God, you have no power to do anything about your
pain.”

Even when you say you want to surrender control and let go of attaching
your happiness and worth to outcomes, blame, anger and misery can
get in your way. When you feel victimized, you may be unwilling to open
your being to Spirit and learn about yourself because you do not believe
you’re the one causing your pain, or that you are the one responsible for
compassionately managing your pain. As long as your focus is on blaming
your past, others or God, you have no power to do anything about your pain.

As we saw in Step One, although your childhood experiences may have

caused you much pain and created your false beliefs and resulting behavior,
those beliefs and behavior are now yours. Your current thoughts come from
your beliefs—not the past. They cause much of your current pain.

If You are Closed, How to get Open: Bridges to Learning

When you are stuck in the anger, blame, depression or numbness of your
wounded self, you need to find a bridge that will take you into a state of

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openness to learning. There are many forms of bridges that can open your
heart. Prayer, especially a prayer of gratitude, is probably the most powerful
bridge.

Prayer can take many forms, such as dialogue, meditation, recitation or

song. The choice is up to you. Some people have found that repeating a
simple prayer of gratitude throughout the day helps them stay open to
learning.

Generosity is another bridge to opening the heart. Many of us focus on how

we can get what we want or avoid getting hurt. But one of the quickest ways
of moving out of a closed heart and into openness is to ask your guidance:
“What can I give to myself and others?” The moment you sincerely ask
this question—with no attachment to its outcome—your heart will open
and Divine Love will rush in, just as air rushes into your lungs the moment
you take a breath. This happens because the very nature of God’s love is
abundant, unconditional and always here for you when you ask for help.

Everything Changes When…

Everything changes when you decide to go through life thinking about how
and what you can give instead of how to get what you want, or how to avoid
the things you fear. For example, if you are going to a party where you don’t
know anyone, you can create a lot anxiety for yourself by worrying, “How
can I get people to like me? How can I avoid being alone?” However, if you
walk in thinking, “What can I give? I can give people my smile, my interest,
my acceptance and my sense of humor,” you will feel great.

The moment you decide to give, your heart opens and Spirit fills you with
love and peace.

How can we know this is true? Many of us fear that nothing will happen if we
open—that a Higher Power will not show up for us. The problem is that the

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wounded self does not believe that anything in the unseen spiritual realm
is here for us and believes that if we let go of trying to have control over
getting what we want, we will just end up feeling very alone.

Our fears of being rejected and feeling alone, of being controlled by a

Higher Power, or even of dying from being alone and helpless (feelings
that come from infancy) may be so strong that we are unwilling to open our
hearts to see if a Higher Power is really here for us. Until you are willing to
take a “leap of faith” and open your heart through the intent to learn about
love, you will not know God.

Other Bridges If You Don’t Believe In Prayer

If you are too stuck in your woundedness to pray from your heart, or you
don’t believe in prayer, then you need to try other bridges that can open
your heart to learning about love. These include:

• Listening to music
• Taking a walk
• Being in nature
• Talking with a friend
• Reading spiritual literature
• Journaling
• Drawing or doing other artwork like sculpture or collage
• Dancing
• Attending Twelve Step or other support group meetings
• Playing with a child or a pet
• Being held by a loving person
• Letting yourself cry
• Releasing your anger alone by yelling and pounding into a pillow, and
letting your Inner Child express his or her anger at you for how you
might be abandoning yourself.

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Exploring Your Good, Compelling Reasons

There is another essential aspect of the intent to learn: you must believe that
there are good, compelling reasons for your present feelings and behavior.
These reasons are your childhood experiences of disconnection from love
that led to your fears and the false beliefs that create them.

Understanding that you have good reasons for your feelings and behavior
is the opposite of being judgmental. It is being compassionate. Your Inner
Child will not open to you if you are shaming and judgmental of his or her
feelings or behavior. This can happen if your inner dialogue is something to
the effect of, “Why are you being such a big baby about this?” or, “Why did
you act that way, what’s wrong with you?” If your Inner Child doesn’t open to
you, you will not be able to learn what in your words, thoughts and behavior
is causing you pain.

There are times when we have to make judgments about things, but there
is a big difference between judgment intended to discern what is in your
highest good and judgment intended to condemn. If you approach an actual
child and ask, “What are you feeling?” in a condemning tone, the child will
not feel safe in giving you an honest answer. If you ask that question in a
compassionate tone, the child will probably tell you. The same is true of your
Inner Child. Compassion is the natural result of understanding that you and
others have good reasons for your feelings and behavior.

Understanding that you have good reasons for

your feelings and behavior is the opposite of being
judgmental. It is being compassionate. Your Inner Child
will not open to you if you are shaming and judgmental
of his or her feelings or behavior.

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You cannot be judgmental and compassionate at the same time. Accepting
that you and others always have good reasons for your feelings and
behavior will move you out of judgment and into the open heart of
compassion. A true intent to learn is not focused on an outcome—such as
getting rid of the pain or changing yourself so you can find a partner. The
only outcome we are looking for when we are in a true intent to learn is to
become a more loving human being. If you have any goal other than that,
you will not be in a true intent to learn. Being in a true intent to learn means
we want to learn to be loving, period!

The next step in the Inner Bonding process will show you what you can learn
about your Core Self from your feelings, reactions and behavior.

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Reflection Exercise: What Is In The Way Of Your
Intent To Learn About Yourself and Others, Or Taking
Responsibility for Your Feelings?

Mark the beliefs that may be in the way of your willingness to learn about
yourself or others. Try to mark the beliefs that you feel in your wounded
self. Your conscious mind might say, “I know this isn’t true,” but you may
be operating from them nevertheless.

OO I believe that I am not causing my feelings. I believe my feelings

are being caused by someone or something else, so there is no
reason for me to explore them.

OO I believe that I am right. Others need to change, not me.

OO I believe that if I take responsibility for myself, I have to give up

hoping that someone else will do it for me and believing that
someone else taking care of me is what will make me happy and
safe. I would rather keep hoping that someone will give me what I
never got as I was growing up, and believing that this is the answer
to healing my misery, even if I have to stay in pain

OO I believe that if I discover that I am responsible for my own feelings,

I will feel like destroying myself.

OO I believe I am incapable of taking care of my own feelings. I’m

afraid of failing at taking care of myself.

OO I believe that if I look within, I will discover that my core is bad,

wrong, or unworthy.

OO I believe that if I look within, I will discover that there is nothing

there.

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 OO I believe this process is too much work. It takes up too much
energy. I don’t have the time.

OO I am in crisis now so there is no time to take care of myself.

OO Others are in crisis now so there is no time to take care of myself.

OO I believe that if I open there will be too much anger for me to

handle—at myself or at others.

OO I believe that I cannot handle my pain, especially of rejection,

abandonment, aloneness and loneliness. I will explode, die or go
crazy if I feel my pain.

OO I believe that if I open I will be vulnerable to being controlled by my

inner child, by others or by God.

OO I believe my inner child is too demanding and needy.

OO I believe that resisting being controlled by my own desires or

anyone else’s, is more important than loving myself or others.

OO I believe if I open I will lose control over the people and events that
can cause my pain of aloneness and engulfment.

OO I believe that it’s not my job to make myself happy—others can and
should make up for what I lacked as a child.

The job belongs to my:

OO Parents

OO Siblings or other family members

OO Partner

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 OO Boss

OO Therapist

OO Children

OO Future mate

OO Friends

OO Minister, priest, rabbi

OO I believe that my best feelings come from outside myself, so there

is no point in trying to make myself happy.

OO I believe that other’s love and approval is what makes me happiest.

OO I believe that getting love from others feels better than giving it to
myself and others.

OO I believe that my lovability and worth come from others attention,

love, and approval so there is no point in giving it to myself.

OO I believe that I will have to confront an inner conflict between my

core Self and my wounded self about where I live, the work I do,
the relationship I am in, or whether or not I want to have a family
and that I will have to make changes that will make me more
unhappy than I am now.

OO I believe that if I open to learning and growing I will outgrow my

relationship and I will be more unhappy than I am now.

OO I believe that if I take care of myself I will end up alone.

OO I believe I have to be needy for someone to want to be with me.

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 OO I believe I’d be too powerful and no one would want me.

OO I believe that I don’t have the right to take care of myself.

OO I believe that taking care of myself is selfish.

OO I believe that I don’t deserve to be happy.

I believe that if I take care of myself and make myself happy others will:

OO be angry at me

OO disapprove of me

OO withdraw and disconnect from me

OO withhold something from me

OO reject me

OO leave me

OO get violent with me or even kill me

OO judge me as stupid or as a failure

OO attempt to take advantage of me in some way, and I will be

more miserable than I am now.

OO I believe that if others I love disconnect from me and take their love
away, I cannot survive, so I have to give myself up to be loved by
them.

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 Step 3: Compassionately Dialogue With
Your Core Self / Inner Child

Compassionately dialogue with your Core Self / Inner Child, discovering your
thoughts/false beliefs and the resulting behaviors that are causing your
painful wounded feelings. Become open to exploring what happened in your
childhood that created your loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness over
others, and the resulting false beliefs. Compassionately embrace your core
painful feelings. You can also explore your gifts and what brings joy to your
Inner Child/Core Self.

Shane looks at his watch as he waits in the foyer of the restaurant where he
and Julie are meeting for dinner. Julie is late again! Not only that, but she
never responded to the text message he sent her this morning telling her he
didn’t like the way she blew off his concerns about their finances.

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His agitation grows as patrons enter the restaurant, because despite having
a reservation, they can’t be seated until Julie arrives. Doesn’t she realize
they may lose their reservation if she doesn’t show up soon! He’s starving
because he hasn’t eaten since breakfast.

Shane paces back and forth, debating whether he should call Julie to ask
where she is. Five more minutes, he tells himself, and then he’s going to
leave and grab a quick bite by himself somewhere. She obviously cares
more about work than she does about him, he thinks, because she can’t tear
herself away in order to be on time for their date.

A minute later, Julie enters the restaurant, looking frazzled but smiling.
Shane’s lets out a long breath and stiffens as Julie leans in to hug him.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, sensing his aloofness.

“Nothing, I’ve just had a long day.”

Shane thinks, she should have cared enough about me to be on time.

Julie thinks, he should be happy to see me.

This story illustrates a couple of key points. One, the wounded self often
has a long list of expectations regarding how your partner will or should act
if he or she cares about you, or if you are important to him or her. Second,
when your expectations are not met, you feel hurt, angry or disappointed,
believing that these feelings are being caused by your partner rather than
by your expectations.

Expectations are just another form of false beliefs. For example, If she cared,
she would be on time is a false belief. So is If he cared, he’d always be
smiling when he sees me.

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Your partner may have many good reasons for behaving in these ways,
reasons that have nothing to do with whether or not he or she cares about
you.

If you are going to take 100% responsibility for your feelings in these sorts
of situations, how can you get to the bottom of why you’re having these
feelings in the first place?

“Expectations are just another form of false beliefs.”

That’s what Step 3 of Inner Bonding is about.

How To Dialogue With Your Core Self / Inner Child

In Step Three you explore your feelings, and whatever related false beliefs,
behaviors and memories you might have by dialoguing with your Core Self
/ Inner Child. The aim is to learn from your feelings in order to come up with
the loving action you will be taking in Step Four.

You learn from your feelings by imagining that you are having a conversation
with your Core Self / Inner Child. To do this, find a private, quiet place and
turn off any electronics or anything that may distract you. Then focus on
the feelings that you discovered in Step One. Become curious about these
feelings. These feelings will be the basis of your dialogue.

Imagine that your Higher Guidance or your Loving Adult is the one asking
the questions. Another way you can imagine this is that your feeling self—or
the Inner Child—is speaking to a very kind and loving mentor, or the Higher
Guidance.

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It is best to dialogue out loud or in writing. If you do it out loud, it may help
you stay self-compassionate if you are holding a doll or stuffed animal (the
representation of the Inner Child), or looking at your pictures of yourself as
a child. You can also set up two chairs, one for your Core Self / Inner Child
and one for your Loving Adult / Higher Guidance, and switch back and forth
as you ask and answer questions. Be sure to give yourself comfort any time
pain or tears come up.

This is an exploration into the layers of yourself. Welcome, rather than

judge or condemn, anything that comes up. When you talk to your angry,
hurt, frightened, anxious, numb, guilty, shamed, needy or depressed inner
child, welcome and embrace those feelings, whatever they are. Your job
is to welcome him or her into your loving embrace— to move toward your
feelings rather than away from them— so you can learn what you may be
thinking or doing that is causing these painful feelings.

These are examples of the type of questions you may wish to ask your Inner
Child:

• “What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious (or
depressed, angry, shamed, and so on)?”
• “Are you angry at me?”
• “Am I letting you down or not taking care of you in some way? How?”
• “How do you feel when I give you junk food (or drugs, or alcohol, or
spend money, etc.) when you are feeling lonely, hurt, bored, anxious,
depressed or angry?”
• “What are you really wanting from me when you are feeling badly?”
• “What do you need from me right now?”
• “How am I abandoning you? Am I making others responsible for you?
Am I judging you? Am I ignoring your feelings and needs and not
listening to you?
• Am I discounting you? Am I numbing you out with substances or
activities?”

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Listening to the Answers

When you are ready for your Inner Child to answer your questions, move
your attention into your body. The answers will come from deep within
you rather than from your mind. After asking a question, breathe into body,
allowing the answers to come from your feelings.

When To Dialogue

Remember, no feelings are ever wrong or bad. All

the feelings you have are for good reasons, and by
using Step Three’s dialogue process gently, with great
compassion, you will be able to discover the information
these feelings are trying to tell you.

When you feel compelled to reach for an addictive substance or behavior,

or if you feel anything other than peaceful inside, is a good time to dialogue
with the Inner Child.

You might ask, “What is it you are really seeking or feeling hungry for?” The
wounded self always grabs for a short-term fix - new clothes, food, sex,
scotch, drugs. But by embracing and listening to your feelings, you can
discover what your inner child really wants and needs.

Remember, no feelings are ever wrong or bad. All the feelings you have
are for good reasons, and by using Step Three’s dialogue process gently,
with great compassion, you will be able to discover the information these
feelings are trying to tell you.

In this step of Inner Bonding, we open our arms to all aspects of ourselves—
our wounded aspects as well as our core Self. Although one of the goals of
Inner Bonding is to integrate all parts of ourselves, we first need to separate
the various parts of the wounded self and heal them individually. That’s why

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we have a dialogue between the Core Self / Inner Child and the Adult /
Higher Guidance. Eventually the energy from these parts unites, and some
of the immense energy that once went into protecting ourselves from or
avoiding our painful feelings is free to go into playing and creating (activities
of the core Self) and into taking loving action (the role of the Loving Adult).

The more you operate from your Core Self and Loving Adult, taking loving
care of yourself and sharing your love with others, the more connected,
integrated and joyful you become.

An Example of Dialogue Between the Inner Child, The

Wounded Self and the Loving Adult

Once you understand what you are doing to cause painful feelings, you can
then dialogue with various aspects of your wounded self, as well as various
ages, from a young child to an adolescent about your false beliefs that
are causing your self-abandoning behavior, which is causing your painful
wounded feelings.

The following is a very brief example. In this example, a woman in one of my

intensives has decided to work with me, but she feels very anxious. This is
how her inner dialogue went:

Adult: What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious?

Child: You are telling me that I have to do this right, and I don’t know how.
You are telling me that if I don’t do it right, others will judge me and I will be
rejected.

Adult: Yes, I have been telling you that. How do you feel when I tell you this?

Child: I feel like you won’t like me unless I do everything right and prove that
I am worthy. I always feel I have to prove that I’m okay to you and everyone
else. You keep telling me not to make a fool out of myself.

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Adult: So, of course, you feel anxious. Wow! I tell myself these things a lot,
and I always thought my anxiety was coming from other people. I’m the one
who is causing it!

Now speaking with the wounded self:

Adult: There must be a good reason you keep telling the child she has to do

everything right. What are you trying to control or avoid feeling by focusing
on doing everything right?

Wounded self: I want people to like us.

Adult: So you believe that we can have control over how people feel about
us by doing things right?

Wounded Self: Yes.

At this point in an Inner Bonding process, you would then to go Step Four
(next lesson) and ask your higher self what is true.

What To Dialogue About

You can dialogue with your Core Self when you are experiencing inner
conflict, relationship issues, anxiety, shame, anger or negative self-talk that
causes painful feelings.

You can also dialogue about core painful feelings, compassionately keeping
yourself company when you are feeling loneliness, grief, sorrow, heartache,
heartbreak, helplessness over others and events —the difficulties we all face
that are a part of life.

You can also dialogue with your Core Self about what you love to do,
exploring your gifts, passions and talents, what brings you joy, what is your
true calling, what fulfills your soul.

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Hints for Successful Dialoguing

A very important aspect of dialoguing with your wounded parts is to

be aware of who is asking the questions: Is it your Loving Adult or your
wounded self? Are you really in a compassionate intent to learn (your loving
Adult) or are you asking the questions from your fear and woundedness?
Do you want to learn about how you may be causing your pain (your loving
Adult) or are you just trying to get rid of it?

You will not receive helpful or accurate answers when your wounded self
asks the questions. This is why it is imperative to do Steps One and Two
before starting to dialogue.

This is why, when you begin, it is best to dialogue with your Inner Child out
loud or in writing, so that you don’t get lost in your wounded self. A written
(or voice-recorded) record of your dialogue can also be helpful later, when
you look back at your early process.

After a year or so of regular spoken or written dialoguing, most people find

that they can dialogue silently.

Were you surprised I said a year? Inner Bonding is not a quick fix. It becomes
a way of life. It is a way of creating and maintaining a daily connection with
your innermost self and with the sacred, as well as with others. As you grow
and your life goes on, more and more challenges will come your way. You
can use this Six-

Step Process for dealing with all of them, big and small. Some of these
challenges will bring up old pain from childhood events. You can use this
Inner Bonding process to address those feelings, too.

In learning Inner Bonding, you learn a tool that you can use again and again
to deal with all of life’s challenges in a loving, wise and powerful way.

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Addressing Aloneness

Your Inner Child wants to experience Divine love coming to him or her
through your heart, the home of the loving Adult. It is only when you learn
to bring through Divine, unconditional love to yourself that the hunger,
emptiness and aloneness you experience gets filled. Until you address the
issue of your inner aloneness and emptiness—the aloneness and emptiness
that you have been filling with your various addictions—you cannot begin to
address the issue of the loneliness you may feel either with others or from
not having others around, as well as the past and present heartache and
heartbreak. You will feel both alone and lonely until you heal your aloneness,
your separation from Spirit. Using Step Three, you can discover the fears
and false beliefs that are in the way of receiving Divine love.

What If You’re Not Getting Anywhere?

Often, people tell me that they have been dialoguing with their Inner Child
but they don’t seem to be getting anywhere. When I ask them to show me
exactly what they have been doing, I invariably discover that they have not
decided that they want responsibility for their feelings, or taken the time to
first open to learning by inviting compassion into their hearts. They think they
are open because they are asking their Inner Child questions, but the tone of
their questions is curt, bored, condemning or embarrassed. I gently remind
them to go back and do Steps One and Two.

If your Inner Child still refuses to talk to you, that’s okay for now. Go ahead
and skip to Step Four. Eventually, when you have developed a solid, loving
Adult, your Core Self will open to you.

Examples of Dialogue With the Core Self / Inner Child

Here are two examples of how you might use dialogue to address painful
feelings and addictions.

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Muffins and Ice Cream

It’s six o’clock in the evening. You are on your way home and all you can
think of is stopping off and picking up some muffins and ice cream. You
know if you buy them you will eat them. You have promised yourself, for
the millionth time, that you would not do this again, yet you seem to have
no control as you pull your car into the parking lot of the bakery. This is the
moment of choice. Will you protect against feeling your pain by eating the
muffins and ice cream or will you move into doing Inner Bonding?

If you were to decide to do the Six Steps, it might go something like this:

First you would decide that you are willing to feel your feelings and take
responsibility for them. Then you would open to your Guidance, asking for
help in being loving, curious and compassionate with your Inner Child. Then
you would move into dialoguing.

Loving Adult: I can feel your agitation. There must be a very good reason
you are wanting the muffins.

Inner Child: I like them. They taste good. They feel good inside.

Loving Adult: I know they feel and taste good for the moment. But then you
always feel bad later because you hate being fat and the sugar makes you
feel bad. I love you and I don’t want you to feel bad.

Inner Child: You don’t love me. You never even pay any attention to me. At
least the muffin feels good for the moment. It’s better than nothing.

Loving Adult: Tell me about feeling unloved by me.

Inner Child: You never talk to me. You never listen to me. You never stand
up for me. Just today at work, when Hal criticized me, I just felt shamed and
alone. Where were you?

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Loving Adult: So when Hal criticized you and I didn’t say anything you felt
alone?

Inner Child: Yeah, just like I did with Mom. She always let Dad criticize
me and she never stood up for me. I wasn’t important to her and I’m not
important to you. So just go get me the muffins.

Loving Adult: No, not this time. I don’t want to ignore you and then pacify
you with muffins. I want to learn to love you. So tell me more about how you
feel.

Inner Child: Now I feel is pissed at you! You’re such a wimp! I hate you! You
let everyone treat me the way Dad did. And you criticize me the way Dad
did. I never do anything good enough for you. I know you hate me.

Loving Adult: I do understand that you feel that way. I have been treating
you the way Mom and Dad treated you and I don’t blame you for being
angry. You must be very hurt inside. I can feel that you are in a lot of pain.

Inner Child: (Starts to sob).

Loving Adult: It’s okay to cry. I’m here. I’m not going away. I want to
understand your pain.

Inner Child: (sobbing) I feel so alone. I have to do everything myself. Most of

the time I just feel overwhelmed. It’s too much for me. I don’t know what to
do when people criticize me. I always feel like everything is on me. I just feel
so afraid and alone and empty. I need you but you are never around. I have
always felt alone. Mom and Dad were never there for me. At home no one is
there for me. I just feel alone. I never feel like I’m good enough.

Loving Adult: My dear sweet little one. I am so sorry that I have not been
loving with you and that I haven’t let you know what a precious child you

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are. I can see why you are always wanting to eat. I want you to know that
I am going to be learning how to love you rather than stuff you. You are
really a very wonderful child, but I know you won’t know this until I pay more
attention to you and learn to stand up for you. How are you feeling now?

Inner Child: I feel a little better. I like it when you talk with me. I don’t feel so
alone.

Loving Adult: How about we go home and have a nice bowl of blueberries
with a little strawberry yogurt on top?

Inner Child: Yeah!

Weight Issue - Sheba

Sheba, a young woman in one of my workshops, decided to explore her

weight issue in front of the group:

“I’ve been working on my weight issue for years. I’m in a group for women
with weight problems, but I still can’t seem to get this issue under control.
It’s really chocolate that gets to me the most, though I really love all food. I
always have, ever since I was a child.”

I asked her to ask her wounded child what the good reasons are that she
wants to eat so much.

Adult: Why is it that eating is so important to you?

Child: I just love it. It’s the greatest pleasure I have. I love thinking about
what I’m going to eat next, and I love eating, especially chocolate. It just
tastes so good. Nothing gives me more pleasure than food.

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We then explored a little about her childhood and discovered that she felt
very alone and neglected as a child. She never felt that her mother loved
her and she early discovered that eating filled the emptiness of not being
loved and gave her the nurturing that she needed. I asked her if she had
ever felt truly loved and she said no. I asked her to ask her child if she could
imagine what it would feel like to be truly loved.

Adult: Can you imagine what it would be like to feel truly loved?

Child: Yes, I can imagine it. I think it would be the best feeling in the world.

Adult: Even better than eating?

Child: Yes.

Margaret: Do you feel loved by your Adult?

Child: No. She never talks to me or listens to me. I feel very alone inside.

Margaret: Does she treat you like your mother treated you?

Child: Yes.

Adult: Wow! I never realized that! It’s true! I treat her just like my mother
did. I neglect her. I don’t pay any attention to my feelings. I never listen to
her or talk to her, just like my mother! I wonder if I start to dialogue with her
everyday if she would stop wanting to eat so much?

Sheba committed to dialoguing daily. A few months after the workshop she
wrote to me that she was noticing a big change in her weight problem. She
was no longer thinking so much about food and found it much easier to set
inner boundaries regarding how much and what she ate. She was delighted
with her progress.

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In the following reflection exercises, you will learn about the wounded
self’s false beliefs that create the thoughts that perpetuate your painful
feelings. Then you will learn to tell the difference between compassionate,
loving dialogue with your Inner Child and the hurtful internal dialogue of the
wounded self. Finally, you’ll learn what kind of questions you may want to
ask of your Inner Child and your wounded self, and get a list of questions
that will get you started on a meaningful, healing dialogue.

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Reflection Exercise: What Are the False Beliefs of Your
Wounded Self?

The following exercise will help you identify your false beliefs of
the wounded self, which means that they’re not inherently true, but
your wounded self believes they’re true, based on experiences from
childhood, or what you heard or observed from parents or caretakers
(see above reflection exercise).

Remember, these are false beliefs, which means, they aren’t really true,
you just think they’re true. This is an important distinction. False beliefs
lead you to behaving in a way that isn’t always for your higher good.

In each category, check the beliefs that you think apply to you most of
the time.

False Beliefs About Happiness and Self-Worth

OO My adequacy, lovability, and feelings of self-worth and come from

others liking me and approving of me.

OO My sense of happiness and well-being comes from another loving

me.

OO Others disapproval or rejection mean that I’m not good enough.

OO I can’t make myself happy.

OO I can’t make myself as happy as someone or something else can.

OO My best feelings come from outside myself, from how others, or a

particular other sees me and treats me.

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False Beliefs About Responsibility For Feelings

OO I’m responsible for other’s feelings. Therefore, I should never do

anything, even if it’s something that makes me happy and is not
intended to hurt anyone, that hurts or upsets another.

OO It’s up to me to make the people I care about happy.

OO When others around me are unhappy, it’s my fault and/or my

responsibility to do something about it.

OO If I don’t take responsibility for other’s happiness and unhappiness,

OO I’m not a caring person.

OO If I take responsibility for my own happiness instead of putting

others first,

OO I’m being selfish.

OO If other people are angry at me, I make them feel that way and I’m
responsible for fixing their feelings.

OO It is my responsibility to heal wounded people.

OO Others are responsible for my feelings. Therefore, if someone

cares about me, he or she will never do anything that hurts or
upsets me.

OO I can’t take care of myself. I need someone to take care of me.

OO I can’t be alone. I feel like I’ll die if I’m alone.

OO When I’m hurt or upset, it’s someone else’s fault.

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 OO It’s up to other people to make me feel good about myself by
approving of me.

OO I’m not responsible for my feelings. Other people make me feel

happy, sad, angry, frustrated, shut down, or depressed. When I’m
angry, someone makes me feel that way and is responsible for
fixing my feelings.

OO I’m not responsible for my behavior. Other people make me yell,

act crazy, get sick, laugh, cry, get violent, leave, or fail.

OO Others are selfish if they do what they want instead of what I want
or need.

OO If I’m not connected to someone, I will die.

False Beliefs About Pain

OO I can’t handle my pain, especially the pain of disapproval, rejection,

abandonment, the pain of being shut out—the pain of isolation and
aloneness.

OO If I open to my pain, I will fall apart. I will go crazy or die.

OO If I open to my pain, it will be unending.

OO Once I start to cry, I’ll never stop.

OO Showing pain is a sign of weakness.

OO People will think less of me if they see me cry. If I cry I will be

rejected, or people will think I’m crazy.

OO No one really wants to hear about my pain.

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 OO No one can handle the depth of my pain.

OO My problems are so trivial compared to other people’s that I have

no right to be in pain.

OO Why should I have to feel this pain? I don’t deserve it.

OO There’s no point in opening to pain. It doesn’t make anything better.

OO “Why cry over spilt milk?”

False Beliefs About Inner Child / Core Self

Check the things you may have heard or absorbed from your parents,
siblings, teachers, friends, TV, or society and that your Child-Adult may
still believe. These are the things you feel shame about.

OO I’m basically a bad, wrong, defective

OO I’m too intelligent, too smart

OO for my own good.

OO I don’t have a good sense of humor.

OO I’m immature.

OO I’m not a professional.

OO I never went to college.

OO I didn’t graduate from high school.

OO I have a small vocabulary.

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OO I can’t do math.

OO I don’t read well.

OO I have no imagination.

OO I’m not spiritual enough.

OO I’m too spiritual.

OO I can’t do anything right.

OO I was abused as a child.

OO When bad things happen, it’s always my fault.

OO Bad things always happen to me.

OO I have an eating disorder.

OO I’m an alcoholic.

OO I’m a drug addict.

OO I’m too sexual.

OO I’m a sex addict.

OO I’m not sexual enough.

OO I’m crazy.

OO I’m a phony.

OO I’m righteous and arrogant.

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OO I’m depressed.

OO I’m superficial.

OO I’m screwed up.

OO I’m boring.

OO I have no personality.

OO I’m a goody-goody.

OO I’m a man.

OO I’m a woman.

OO I’m not good enough.

OO I’m not lovable.

OO I’m not adequate.

OO I don’t count, don’t matter, am unimportant.

OO I’m in the way, a bother, too much trouble.

OO I’m bad, wrong, unworthy, defective, inadequate, unlovable, a

bother, unimportant, or not good enough because:

OO I’m too tall.

OO I’m too short.

OO I’m too skinny.

OO I don’t make enough money.

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OO I don’t drive a nice car.

OO I’m a geek, a dork.

OO Nobody likes me.

OO I’m shy.

OO I’m too aggressive.

OO I’m too fat.

OO I’m ugly, homely, or unattractive.

OO I’m not intelligent enough,

OO not smart enough.

OO I’m stupid.

OO I’m not creative enough.

OO I’m too selfish.

OO I’m too intense.

OO I’m too much, but I’m not

OO sure what I’m too much of.

OO I’m too different.

OO I’m weird.

OO I’m scattered

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 OO I make mistakes.

OO I have physical defects

OO or imperfections.

OO I have problems.

OO I cry too easily.

OO I’m too emotional.

OO I’m not perfect.

OO I’m gay or bi-sexual.

OO I’m black, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, Jewish, or some other minority.

OO I’m a loner.

OO I don’t have a partner.

OO I’m afraid to be alone.

OO I have fears.

I have phobias.

OO ___________________

OO ___________________

OO I’m not very talkative.

OO I don’t think quickly enough.

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 OO I’m just like my father.

OO I’m just like my mother.

OO I can’t take care of myself.

OO I need a man to take care of me.

OO I need a woman to take care of me.

OO I can’t make decisions.

OO I’ll never amount to anything.

OO I can’t tell jokes well.

OO I’m too sensitive.

OO I’m too insensitive.

OO I’m too serious.

OO I’m not serious enough.

OO I think differently from other people.

False Beliefs About Control

OO I can control how others feel and behave.

OO I can control others liking/loving me, caring about me, respecting me,
doing what I want.

OO I can have control over whether people reject me.

OO I can have control over someone desiring me sexually.

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I can have control over how others feel and behave by:

OO Yelling

OO Getting angry

OO Criticizing, judging, shaming

OO Saying “Tsk, tsk” and shaking my head

OO Getting annoyed, irritated, short, curt

OO Accusing

OO Blaming

OO Pouting, sulking

OO Becoming ill

OO Being sneaky/deceptive

OO Lying or withholding the truth

OO Therapizing, analyzing

OO Moralizing

OO Nagging

OO Lecturing, giving advice

OO Arguing

OO Explaining, convincing, selling

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OO Becoming self-righteous

OO Talking incessantly

OO “Poor me” tears, blaming tears

OO Temper tantrums

OO Put-downs

OO A superior attitude

OO Half-truths

OO Being a “nice guy”

OO Being financially successful

OO Achieving, being perfect

OO Giving gifts with strings attached

OO Being emotionally or financially indispensable

OO Complaining

OO Justifying

OO Interrogating

OO Denying

OO Talking others out of their feelings by telling them they are

wrong

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 OO Asking leading questions to which only one answer is
acceptable

OO Bribery

OO Teaching, point things out without being asked

OO Flattery or giving false compliments

OO Giving in, giving myself up, going along

OO Not asking for what I want, putting aside what I want

OO Agreeing with others points of view

OO People pleasing

OO Pulling energetically for attention or approval

OO Rescuing

OO Censoring what I say about what I want and feel

OO Second-guessing and anticipating what others want

OO Putting myself down

Using threats of:

OO Financial withdrawal

OO Emotional withdrawal

OO Sexual withdrawal

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 OO Exposure to others

OO Abandonment/leaving

OO Illness

OO Violence

OO Suicide

OO Alcohol or drug abuse

False Beliefs About Resistance to Control

OO Resisting control is essential to my integrity and individuality.

OO Resisting control establishes my independent identity.

OO My only choices when another person is attempting to control me

is to comply or resist.

OO I am really being my own person when I resist.

OO It’s the controlling person’s fault that I resist.

OO I can avoid being controlled by resisting.

OO If I didn’t resist, I would be swallowed up.

I resist other’s control by:

Doing nothing.

OO Saying I’d do what he/she wants and then I don’t do it.

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OO Doing the opposite of what he/she wants.

OO Explaining, defending, or getting mad about why I shouldn’t

do it.

OO Getting critical and making the other person wrong for

asking.

OO Saying I’ll do it and then doing something else.

OO Saying I’d do it and then forgetting or failing to show up.

OO Procrastinating.

OO Acting helpless or incompetent

OO Getting apathetic, having no enthusiasm.

OO Getting sick.

OO Being late.

OO Misunderstanding.

OO Doing what the other person wants, but doing it halfway—

doing a poor job.

OO Doing it wrong on purpose.

OO Finding some way to sabotage the situation.

OO Pretending not to hear.

OO Being uninterested.

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 OO Being closed to learning.

OO Refusing to make a commitment.

Sometimes I resist other’s control by shutting them out. I shut people out
with:

OO Work

OO Drugs/alcohol

OO Hobbies

OO Illness

OO Meditation

OO Reporting/storytelling

OO Worrying

OO Reading

OO Sports

OO Friends

OO Spending money

OO TV

OO Children

OO Food

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 OO Depression

OO Sleep

OO Fantasizing/daydreaming

OO Silent angry withdrawal

OO Headphones

False Beliefs About God / Higher Power

OO I have been abandoned by God because I am unworthy, bad,

flawed, unlovable, or unimportant.

OO God doesn’t exist. I am ultimately alone so I have to maintain

control.

OO There is nothing spiritual to turn to.

OO If there is a God, then he/she/it would have done something

about bad things happening. Therefore, God either doesn’t exist or
doesn’t care.

OO God is judgmental.

OO God is too busy for me.

OO God is there for some special people but not for me.

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Which false beliefs that you uncovered with this exercise are most
surprising to you?

Can you see how your thoughts and feelings are connected to some of
your false beliefs? If so, reflect more about this here:

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Reflection Exercise: Wounded Self Inner Dialogue

Having a dialogue with your Core Self / Inner Child may seem like a
strange and novel concept. However, we are always talking to ourselves.
It’s our “internal dialogue”. We go to a job interview and review how
we feel about our performance. Our beloved ignores us and we tell
ourselves what that means about our self-worth and lovability.

We gain a few pounds, and we have an opinion about what that means
about our discipline and motivation to eat right and exercise.

When we have internal dialogue to deal with unpleasant or painful

feelings, most of what we say comes from our wounded self. This is the
aspect of ourselves that operates out of the false beliefs about our value.
Having an internal dialogue is different than doing the dialogue in Step
Three, because we’re not consciously doing it with intention or curiosity.
It’s “automatic”. It’s important to understand that distinction.

When you begin to dialogue with your Core Self / Inner Child in Step
Three, there are times when you may hear things from your wounded
self instead of the Inner Child. What does that mean? That means that
your dialogue may start to sound like your unconscious self-talk, which is
affected by your false beliefs or from the things you heard said to you as
a child, or that you heard your parents say to each other.

The wounded self is generally authoritarian or permissive with the Inner

Child, just as your parents may have been with you or with themselves.

You might be completely unaware of your self-talk. Sometimes you are

communicating with yourself in images instead of words. Sometimes the
self-criticism becomes so deeply entrenched that the feelings may come
without the conscious words preceding them.

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This reflection exercise will help you recognize when your dialogue is
coming from the wounded self versus the Inner Child.

If you find yourself speaking from the wounded self, you can ask yourself,
what false belief is causing me to say this?

Remember: the goal of the inner dialogue in Step Three is to speak

lovingly, compassionately to your Inner Child and to inquire about
feelings with curiosity—not to berate, criticize, belittle or diminish. This
exercise will help you make that distinction.

Authoritarian, critical wounded self, talking to the Inner Child:

What is the wounded self saying to the Inner Child?

(check all that apply)

OO “You don’t count.”

OO “You don’t deserve to do what you want to do.”

OO “What you want isn’t important. What he/she wants is more

important.”

OO “Don’t make trouble, don’t rock the boat, just go along.”

OO “Don’t hurt him/her; he/she can’t take it.”

OO “Just give in. It’s easier than getting into an argument.”

OO “Just lie, it’s better than having him/her yell at you.”

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OO “You can’t have what you want, so just go along.”

OO “If you don’t give in, you’ll end up alone.”

OO “It’s okay to lose you, but don’t lose him/her.”

OO “Just do what’s expected of you, what you want doesn’t really

matter.”

OO “You have to do what he/she wants or there will be trouble.”

OO “You didn’t do it right, again.”

OO “You’re bad, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

OO “You’re selfish.”

OO “Who do you think you are?”

OO “Work before play.”

OO “You should...” “You shouldn’t...” “You’d better...” “Bad things will

happen if...”

OO “The trouble with you is...”

OO “You’re so stupid.”

OO “You’re such a jerk.”

OO “You’ll never be good enough.”

OO “You’re a loser and you’ll always be a loser.”

OO “You’ll never do it right.”

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 OO “You haven’t got what it takes.”

OO “What’s the matter with you? I’ll give you something to cry about.”

OO “You’re ugly.”

OO “Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

OO “It’s all your fault.”

OO “You’re crazy.”

OO “You can’t...” “You’re not capable.”

OO Other _________________________________________

Resistant wounded self talking to the authoritarian wounded self (who

is often an adolescent):

OO “Don’t tell me what to do.”

OO “I don’t have to, you can’t make me.”

OO “I can’t.”

OO “Why bother? Who cares?”

OO “Shut up and leave me alone.”

OO Other __________________________________________

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Indulgent wounded self:

OO “If I wait long enough, someone else will do it for me.”

OO “I don’t want to go to work, let’s just go back to sleep.”

OO “One more drink won’t hurt, I deserve it.”

OO “I deserve a reward, I’ll have a donut.”

OO “I feel lonely, I’ll go get ice cream.”

OO “He/she shouldn’t have said that, I’ll slap him/her around and
teach him/her a lesson.”

OO Other __________________________________________

Is there other internal dialogue that you have that comes from the
wounded self? Describe it here:

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Reflection Exercise: Compassionate Dialogue Questions

The following is sample dialogue for wounded feelings of anxiety,

depression, guilt, shame, anger, hurt feelings, jealousy and so on. You
can choose to ask these questions out loud, or print out this exercise and
answer the questions in writing.

The Loving Adult asks the Inner Child, and the Inner Child Answers:

“What are you feeling right now?”

“What am I telling you and/or how am I treating you that is causing these
feelings?”

“How am I abandoning you?”

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“Have I been ignoring you by staying in my mind - not attending to your
feeling?” • “Am I judging you?”

“Am I scaring you with lies/false beliefs?”

“Am I turning to addictions to numb out your feelings?”

“Am I giving you away to others - making others responsible for you?”

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“Are you angry with me? It’s okay to be angry with me. I’d like to hear your
anger.”

“It’s okay to cry. I’m here for you.”

The Loving Adult asks the Wounded Self:

“What are you trying to control or avoid by judging, staying in your mind,
turning to addictions, focusing on false beliefs, and/or making others
responsible for your feelings?”

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“What is your belief about your ability to handle pain (or about your
lovability, your ability to control others, your feeling responsible for
others, others’ responsibility for you, your right to make yourself happy,
your ability to make yourself happy, and so on)?”

“Where did you get this belief? What childhood experiences created this
belief?”

“What do you gain by acting as if this belief were true?”

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“What are you afraid of in letting go of this belief? What are you afraid
would happen if you stopped acting as if this belief were true?”

Other questions you can ask your Inner Child:

“How do you feel about________________________?” (Name a person)

“How do you feel about the work we do?”

“I’d like to understand why you feel scared of________________________.”

“I’d like to understand why you don’t like________________________.”

“Tell me more about that.”

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 Step 4: Discover the Loving Action
Toward Your Inner Child

Dialogue with your spiritual guidance, exploring the truth and loving action
toward your Inner Child.

Once you understand which of your thoughts, false beliefs and actions
cause you pain, you are ready to learn the truth about those beliefs and
discover what new, loving action you need to take for your Inner Child.

A lot of us don’t know how to be a Loving Adult to your Inner Child. We didn’t
have good role models growing up. This is where accessing your spiritual
guidance is particularly helpful. You’ll learn how in Step Four.

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What Form Can Your Spiritual Guidance Take?

What does dialoguing with your spiritual guidance mean? Naturally, it

means different things to different people. Our spirituality is as individual as
we are.

Some people find they can dialogue directly with God, whatever their
concept of God is: a person, an energy or simply light. Others dialogue with
a personal Teacher (also called a Master Teacher); an Ascended Master; a
religious figure like a saint, a guide or a guardian angel; a beloved deceased
relative, friend or pet; a power animal; or with an image of the highest part of
themselves.

Even young children can contact their guidance by imagining a coach or

a fairy godmother. If you have no connection with any kind of personal
spiritual guidance, imagine an older wiser part of yourself—your Higher Self.
If you find it difficult to open to your imagination and create this guidance,
just dialogue into the air until you feel a connection to your higher self.

If you practice dialoguing with your spiritual guidance - or with whatever

or whomever feels loving and comforting to you - asking questions and
“imagining” the answers, eventually you will feel and know through your own
experience that a spiritual being is actually helping and guiding you. You will
develop a relationship with this light being, and you will find answers to your
questions coming more and more easily. You will also discover that you are
never alone.

When you imagine your guidance in any form with an intention to learn
about becoming a more loving human being, and you keep your body clear
and healthy, you will access the comfort, power, love, compassion, peace,
joy and wisdom that is here for you. (More on keeping your body clear and
healthy later in this chapter.)

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Imagining a being of light - or light itself - surrounding you with love can
energize your being and bring you great comfort. Being connected with
Spirit is like being connected with an infinite source of knowledge and
power. It is the difference between trying to do meaningful work or learning
about the world using your computer with just the files and applications that
were installed at the factory, and using that same computer but plugging
into the internet. One feels limited and small, the other feels infinite with
possibility. We have only to plug into the infinite source that is God /
Universe / Spirit / Wisdom to energize our beings.

Some people are more comfortable imagining their spiritual guide as being
outside themselves, and some are more comfortable imagining it’s an
internal, wise voice. It’s up to you, but relying on the wisdom of your spiritual
guidance—in whatever form—will reap you great healing benefits. Why?
Because this is the only way we can access love and truth.

How to Raise Your Frequency And Access the Spiritual

Realm

“When you have a true, pure intent to learn, your

frequency automatically raises.”

All physical matter vibrates at a specific frequency. This has been confirmed
by science. The spiritual realm exists at a higher frequency - a higher
vibration - than the earthly realm. One way to understand “frequency” is to
imagine a room filled with people who are sharing love and joy with each
other. This room has a feeling of lightness - a high frequency - whereas
a room filled with angry, tense people has a feeling of heaviness - a low
frequency.

In order to access the higher frequency of the spiritual realm, you must raise
your own frequency. There are numerous things you can do to raise your
frequency.

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First, though, you must truly have the intent to learn with your spiritual
guidance about loving yourself and others. When you have a true, pure
intent to learn, your frequency automatically raises. Your intent to learn is
your most powerful tool for raising your frequency. None of the actions we
suggest below will raise your frequency without this intent. However, once
you have this intent, the following actions can help to further raise your
frequency.

• Move into your imagination. Imagination itself is a high frequency

state. Our willingness to move into and trust our imagination is
essential to being able to connect with our personal spiritual guidance.
When you first begin to utilize your imagination to increase your
frequency and connect with your guidance, you might feel as if you
are just making things up. However, as you take the risk of trusting
what you think you are “making up,” you will discover that it really is
coming through you from Spirit rather than from your mind.
• Keep your body clear. Your body is an energy system. If your body’s
energy is clogged with drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar,
processed foods that turn into sugar in the body, heavy foods, lots of
food or foods contaminated with pesticides, preservatives, artificial
sweeteners, factory-farmed food filled with antibiotics and GMOs,
or any of the thousands of chemicals that are added to foods, your
frequency is lowered.
• Pray. Sincere prayers of gratitude and asking God for help in healing
all blocks to loving can raise your frequency.
• Chant. Repetitive prayers (such as the rosary), chants and mantras can
open you to higher frequencies, as can singing in general.
• Dance. Rapid repetitive movement, such as Native American
drumming dances, and other forms of expressive dancing may
open you to higher frequencies. Drumming itself can also raise the
frequency.

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 • Spend time in nature. The frequency of a city is far lower than the
frequency of nature. Being among trees and flowers, near a river,
creek or lake, at the ocean, in the desert, or on a mountain can all raise
your frequency.
• Listen to classical or spiritual music, such as Bach, Vivaldi, Handel
and some of Mozart’s work, as well as Kitaro, Taize, and Gregorian and
Indian chants. Throughout the ages music has been used to raise the
frequency.
• Do creative activities, such as painting, sketching, photography,
working with clay, or writing. Moving into your creative imagination
raises the frequency.
• Use incense, aromatherapy, or do “smudging”. Incense has
been used for centuries to raise the frequency and invite spiritual
connection. “Smudging” is using the smoke from various dried plants
such as sage, pine, cedar and lavender to clear the energies in a room
and raise the frequency. Smudging has been used for thousands of
years by indigenous peoples throughout the world.

Trust the Process, the Answers Will Come

The universe is filled with the energy of love and truth. It is filled with all the
information there is and it has the answers to all our questions. Just because
you cannot see this energy does not mean it is not there. When you turn on
your TV, a picture shows up, even though you cannot see the waves coming
through the air.

We are like TVs. We are receivers and our intent to learn about loving is the
“on” button. When we ask a particular question, we tune in to a particular
channel.

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Often when I work with people, they say, “I don’t know how to take care of
my Inner Child. I don’t know how to be a loving Adult.” It’s true. Many of us
don’t know how because we haven’t had anyone do it for us. We haven’t
had any role modeling. The good news is that you do not have to know how
to do it - you just need to be willing to ask. That’s why Step Four includes
asking your spiritual guidance what loving action you can take.

Asking your guide, God or your Higher Self questions about the truth of
your beliefs and about what is loving behavior toward your Inner Child
will eventually result in answers, although sometimes they do not come
immediately. They may pop into your mind when you least expect it. They
may come to you in a dream or when talking to a friend, in meditation or
when you are in the shower. They may come verbally or in pictures or in
feelings. You may open a book and find your answer, or meet someone
who says the exact thing you need to hear. But whatever form your answers
come in, know that they will light the way for your next step.

When you sincerely ask the questions, “What is the truth about this belief?”
and

“What is the loving action in this situation?” you open the channel for this
information to come through you. We have long been told to “ask and you
shall receive.” Try it. It really does work.

Examples of Dialogue Between the Inner Child, Wounded

Self, Loving Adult and Spiritual Guidance

The following brief dialogue was written down by Samuel, who was upset
that he had

started smoking again after recently getting married. He had not smoked in
a long time.

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He was deeply in love with his wife, Ariel, and because he felt very loved by
her, he was totally perplexed as to why he was suddenly smoking again.

Loving Adult: Why are you smoking again? I’m sure there’s a good reason.
Is there some way I’m not taking care of you? I really want to know what the
problem is.

Inner Child: I feel anxious a lot. I’m smoking because I feel anxious and
tense.

Loving Adult: But what are you anxious about?

Inner Child: I just want to make sure Ariel is happy. She seems so happy
when I’m with her, so I try to be with her a lot, and then I don’t have time to
do other things I want to do, or have to do. And I never have any time alone
anymore.

Loving Adult: Well, would you feel better if we spent more time alone?

Inner Child: I don’t know. I’m afraid that then Ariel would not be happy and
that scares me.

Loving Adult: (Now talking with the wounded self) Are you saying that you
feel responsible for Ariel’s happiness?

Wounded Self: Yes. Aren’t we together to make each other happy? Dad
made sure that Mom never felt alone. He was always available for her. Mom
would get angry and sullen if Dad wasn’t there when she wanted him there.

Loving Adult: And you believe Ariel is the same way?

Inner Child: I don’t know, but I’m afraid she is.

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Loving Adult: Do you want us to be with her like Dad was with Mom?

Inner Child: I don’t know. I just feel trapped. I love Ariel, but I hate not being
able to do what I want to do.

Loving Adult: It sounds like I am making Ariel’s feelings and needs more
important than ours--that I am taking care of her Inner Child instead of
taking care of you, and it is making you very anxious. I can see that smoking
gives us an excuse to have some time alone. I’ve given up some of the
things that are important to us, like going to the gym, and I smoke when
I feel anxious about this. So, Higher Power, what would be loving toward
myself?

Spiritual Guidance: Plan time to go to the gym and have time alone--you
have to plan it into your day just as you plan time to work and sleep and
spend time with Ariel. If you don’t plan it, it won’t happen.

Loving Adult: How do I deal with my anxiety if Ariel is sad or upset about my
doing this? Do I have the right to take care of myself if she is upset?

Spiritual Guidance: Ariel’s feelings are her own responsibility. Your well
being is your responsibility. You have the right and the responsibility to take
good care of yourself. You can be caring about Ariel, but let her handle her
own feelings.

Loving Adult: What do I do if she gets mad at me, or gets sullen like Mom?

Spiritual Guidance: Taking good care of yourself is loving behavior. Keep

telling yourself that you are being loving to yourself and to Ariel when you
take care of yourself. You can open to learning with her and explore the
conflict with her, and both of you will learn a lot.

Loving Adult: So if I start to exercise again and take time alone for myself
and keep telling myself that this is loving to both me and Ariel, maybe I can
get through this anxiety without smoking. And if she gets mad or sullen, I

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need to remind myself of all this--that I am being loving and that I’m not
responsible for her feelings and let her work them out or offer to explore
with her. Sounds good to me, but I guess I’ll have to try it and see how it
works.

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Reflection Exercise: What Does Your Inner Child Want from
Your Loving Adult?

Tune into your feelings, or your Inner Child, and using the dialogue process
between your Inner Child and your Spiritual Guidance in Step 4, let your
Loving Adult know what you want from him or her. This will inform the loving
action you’ll want to take on your own behalf.

This is what my Inner Child wants from me as a loving Adult:

(check all that apply)

OO I want you to be mindful of my feelings all the time and to care about
what I feel

OO I want you to learn about what you may be thinking or doing that is
hurting me

OO I want your caring, gentleness, understanding, and compassion when I

feel lonely, heartbroken or sad

OO I want you to stay open and connected with those we love

OO I want you to stop taking other’s unloving behavior personally

OO When others are angry, blaming, judgmental, or withdrawn, I want to

you to recognize that they are feeling hurt and underneath they want
caring and connection

OO I want you to stand up for me and not let others take advantage of me,
abuse me or use me in any way

OO I want you to learn to say no to people

OO I want you to accept your helplessness concerning other’s feelings

and behavior and stop trying to control them

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OO I want you to make me important to you

OO I want you to trust my perceptions and my inner knowing

OO I want you to validate my experience

OO I want you to forgive ourselves for any ways that we’ve hurt ourselves
or others

OO I want you to stop giving me away to others for definition of my worth

and define my worth yourself

OO I want you to stop making me feel guilty and responsible for others’
feelings

OO I want you to be honest with others about how we feel about things

OO I want you to make sure I have a balance between work and play

OO I want you to care about my health and safety

OO I want you to stop judging and criticizing me

OO I want you to see me and know who I really am

OO I want to feel your love and approval all day

OO I want you to hold me and talk with me when I am sad

OO I want you to spend time talking with me and getting to know me

OO I want you to discover what I really love to do and then do it

OO I want you to discover what makes us feel joyous

OO I want you to find friends for me that I connect with

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OO I want you to change our work situation

OO I want to go back to school

OO I want you to fix up our living environment or find another place to live

OO I want you to get things done and stop procrastinating

OO I want you to make amends to people whom we have hurt

OO I want you to find some way that we can give to others

OO I want more time to be creative

OO I want more exercise

OO I want you to feed me better

OO I want you to stop using (food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine) to

numb me out or avoid knowing what I feel and need

OO I want you to get organized

OO I want you to get us out of debt

OO I want you to get help with learning to be a loving Adult to me

OO I want you to stop using sex to avoid taking care of me

OO I want you to stop putting me in compromising sexual situations

OO I want you to stop blaming others for my feelings

OO I want you to stop blaming me for my feelings

OO I want you to stop doing things that get me into trouble

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 OO I want you to be aware of what you think and do that makes me feel
bad and stop thinking and doing it

OO I want you to think and behave in ways that make me feel peaceful,
happy and safe

OO I want you to stop worrying and scaring me

OO I want you to stop ruminating (obsessive thinking)

OO I want you to stop lying to me and telling me things that scare me

OO I want you to trust that God/our Guidance/the Universe has our

highest good at heart

OO I want you to open to our Guidance for the truth

OO I want you to open to our Guidance for the loving actions toward me

OO Other:___________________________________________________

Looking at what I’ve checked above, what loving action(s) can I take on
my own behalf right now?

1.

2.

3. .

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 Step 5: Take the Loving Action

Take the loving action you were guided to take in Step Four.

A year ago, Glenn had been experiencing anxiety and a low level of
depression. He learned and practiced the Inner Bonding process, and had
made some discoveries about his childhood and false beliefs. He also
dialogued with his Inner Child and found out what he needed from his
Loving Adult.

The pain he uncovered was due to his false belief that his worth came from
his achievements and from being productive. His Inner Child felt neglected
from not having enough time to play, be creative and enjoy exercise. With
the help of his Spiritual Guidance, he determined that the loving action to
take would be to move to a part of town where he was closer to work, didn’t
have to spend as much time commuting, and would have easier access to

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places where he could walk and spend time in nature. Glenn acknowledged
that he had indeed been working too hard and not placing enough value on
rest and rejuvenation.

However, a year later, Glenn still had not taken action on the relocation.
There were many reasons for it, including that the market was down and
it wasn’t a good time to sell his house. He was also busy with work and his
father had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which took up a lot of
his mental and emotional energy.

And now, in the last few weeks, Glenn had once again been suffering with
low-energy and melancholy. He wondered if it was because of his father’s
diagnosis. While the grief that comes with seeing loved one fall ill is a
normal and natural core pain, there is more to Glenn’s malaise than meets
the eye.

A year prior, he practiced Inner Bonding and found out that he had been
neglecting his Inner Child’s need for work/life balance. He decided he
needed to take loving action on his own behalf…but he didn’t do it. And now
he was once again facing pain, anxiety, depression. He was once again
experiencing the pain that comes from inner conflict.

It’s Not Enough to Just Acknowledge and Understand. You

Must Take Action.

“If your Inner Child is hungry for love, compassion,

connection, attention, safe boundaries, the end of an
intolerable situation at work, a fit and healthy body or
just plain fun, and you listen and understand but take
no action, your Inner Child will continue to feel unloved,
unlovable, alone and unfulfilled.”

Healing is about moving out of your false belief system and into living in
truth.

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Healing is about moving beyond judgment and into compassion for all your
feelings. Healing is about taking loving action on your own behalf.

While bringing through the truth from your spiritual guidance (Step Four)
is essential in healing your false beliefs, it is not enough. Nor is it enough
to gain understanding and release your old pain and fear. Unless you, as
a loving Adult, take new loving action on your Inner Child’s behalf, nothing
really changes, and nothing heals.

For example, if your daughter came to you and told you she was scared
by your yelling, and you listened and understood but made no attempt to
change your behavior, your child would not feel heard. She would not feel
loved.

In the story above, Glenn’s Inner Child didn’t feel loved because while he
understood and acknowledged that he needed more work/life balance,
he took no action to change anything. Likewise, if your Inner Child is hungry
for love, compassion, connection, attention, safe boundaries, the end of
an intolerable situation at work, a fit and healthy body or just plain fun, and
you listen and understand but take no action, your Inner Child will continue
to feel unloved, unlovable, alone and unfulfilled. And your wounded self
will continue to protect against these painful feelings with your various
addictions.

Affirmations Are Empty Promises. Empty Promises Are Not

Loving Yourself

You can tell yourself the truth all day; you can stare into the mirror and affirm
over and over that you are a beautiful, wonderful child of God, but if you do
not treat yourself as a beautiful, wonderful child of God, your Inner Child will
not believe your affirmations. Words mean very little without action. A loving
Adult takes action on behalf of the Inner Child.

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If you find yourself failing to take the loving action, that’s okay. Our
opportunity to begin taking loving action comes when we choose to
observe rather than condemn ourselves, or when we choose to be
compassionate with ourselves—for example, when we slip up and indulge
in addictive behavior. This is part of Step Five because nonjudgmentally
observing yourself and choosing the intent to protect and control rather
than love is in itself a loving action.

You cannot make new choices until you watch yourself making your current
choices. You will never know that you can choose to learn about love until
you observe yourself choosing to try to control. You cannot choose to love
your Inner Child until you notice your Inner Child . If you are not willing
to nonjudgmentally notice yourself acting out the false beliefs of your
wounded self, you cannot make new choices.

What It Means to Take Loving Action

Taking loving action means learning to love both the Core Self and the
wounded self. It means releasing judgment and accepting the angry, hurt,
shamed and frightened parts of yourself with love and compassion, and
understanding that your wounded self has been doing the best it can to
take care of you and help you feel safe.

Loving action means understanding and having compassion for all the parts
of yourself that you have hated or judged as inadequate, unlovable and
unworthy. You heal your false beliefs when you learn to be kind to your Inner
Child, take the loving actions guided by your Spiritual Guidance, and place
firm limits on your wounded self.

Taking loving action also means embracing the core painful feelings of life
with deep compassion rather than avoiding them with addictive behavior.

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Taking loving action eventually results in becoming immune to criticism
and moving beyond fears of rejection as you learn how to not take others’
behavior personally. Loving action also leads to moving beyond fears of
engulfment, of being controlled by others, as you learn to set loving limits
on your own behalf.

Here are some examples of loving actions you might take with the help of
your spiritual guidance:

• Lovingly disengage from another’s behavior that feels unloving to

you - such as getting off the phone when someone is going on and on
about themselves, or walking away from your partner when he or she
is blaming you or judging you.
• Move into an intent to learn with someone important to you, opening
to caring and connection rather than withdrawing, getting angry, or
judging when he or she is upset.
• Read books on health, nutrition, and exercise and establish a new way
of eating and exercising.
• Risk doing something you want to do, such as take a class or go on a
vacation with a friend, even if your partner finds it threatening.
• Learn to define your own worth and lovability rather than hand that
responsibility to others.
• Start the process of being able to leave a job that you hate or that isn’t
fulfilling.
• Notice your self-judgments, without judging yourself for judging
yourself.
• Choose to express gratitude throughout the day.
• Focus on kindness and good will towards others.

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 • Practice staying in the present moment instead of ruminating on the
past or future (The Loving Adult is always in the present moment,
while the wounded self is in the past and future).
• Attend to your feelings throughout the day, attempting to stay in Step
One of Inner Bonding all day.

Taking Loving Action May Mean Being Willing to Lose

Someone Or Something

“Are you willing to lose your sense of self to avoid pain,

or are you willing to face pain in order to have your true
Self and evolve your soul?”

Frequently, taking loving action on your own behalf, means being willing to
risk losing something: A relationship, a job, power over others.

It boils down to this: are you willing to continue losing yourself through your
addictions in order to protect yourself and maintain “control,” or are you
willing to risk losing someone or something to gain your true Self—your
freedom, your soul’s mission, your dignity, self-respect, integrity, personal
power, passion and connection to God?

Are you willing to lose your sense of self to avoid pain, or are you willing to
face pain in order to have your true Self and evolve your soul?

There is no right answer to these questions. You are not bad or wrong if
you are unwilling to face the pain of loss, heartbreak, and loneliness that
may occur if you take loving action. What is important is to accept that your
present pain may be the result of your protective actions and loss of Self,
and will not go away until you are willing to risk feeling the pain of loss and
loneliness when you let go of “control.” And you need to accept that you
will not experience the light and grace of Divine Love until you are willing to
take these risks.

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Taking loving action leads you out of emotional dependency and into
emotional freedom, out of relationship conflict and into the possibility of
relationship connection, intimacy and joy.

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Reflection Exercise: Commit to Taking Loving Action

Think of a situations or conflict that holds the most “charge” for you right
now, with yourself or with another person.

List at least 3 actions you might take in order to heal this situation, based
on the dialogue you’ve had with your Core Self / Inner Child, Loving
Adult and Spiritual Guidance (Step 4). This can be the same answer
you wrote down in the reflection exercise in Step 4, or it can be a new
situation:

1.

2.

3.

Which of these actions are you most committed to taking on your own
behalf?

Would you be willing to give up this job / relationship / activity / asset

in order to avoid losing yourself, if the loving action did not result in the
outcome you were hoping for? Why or why not?

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 Step 6: Evaluate the Effectiveness of
Your Loving Action

Evaluate the loving action you took on behalf of the Inner Child in Step 5. What
are you feeling and experiencing? If healing is not occurring, go back to Step 4
to discover an alternative loving action.

Jenna had been a member of the Board of an environmental organization

for several years. Recently, there were some tensions between the
President of the Board and some of the other members. Discussions would
turn into arguments at the monthly meetings. Jenna would come home
from these meetings emotionally drained, and would polish off an entire bag
of chips while complaining to her husband.

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She didn’t like feeling this way. She decided to ask her Inner Child what
it was feeling and what it needed in this situation. She heard her Inner
Child saying that the tensions were stressful because they reminded her
of how Jenna’s parents would argue and bicker when she was young.
The loving action that Jenna decided to take was to take care of herself
by not attending the meetings for a few months, until the group’s issues
were resolved. She didn’t like the idea of abandoning the group during this
challenging period, but once she made the decision, she felt a wave of relief
wash over her.

Three months later, Jenna returned to the meeting. Although the dynamics
of the group had shifted to a more agreeable state because certain issues
had been worked out, Jenna still felt oddly tense when she came home.
She asked her Inner Child if there was anything else she wanted to express
about her membership on the Board. Her Inner Child said she still didn’t like
being in the meeting. Then she asked her Guidance if there was another
loving action that Jenna needed to take in order to take loving care of
herself.

Her Guidance said that even though the dynamics of the group had
improved, her continued membership on the Board of this organization
was not in her best interests, and was not the best use of her precious free
time. Although the work the organization was doing for the community
was admirable, the work Jenna was doing within the organization wasn’t
in alignment with what her Spiritual Guidance was telling her was best for
her. Her Inner Child wanted to be outside, exploring in nature, and therefore
helping with wildlands preservation in a more hands-on way. She had to
admit that she disliked sitting at a table and discussing Minutes and Action
Items.

Jenna decided to resign from the Board and become a volunteer for the
organization instead. She spent all her time in “the field”, collecting seeds,
removing invasive species, and removing trash out of wetlands. She found

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the work exhilarating and satisfying in a way that being on the Board was
not. She’d come home from those restoration projects feeling relaxed,
accomplished and happy—a huge difference from what she felt after the
Board meetings.

How Are You Feeling After Taking Loving Action?

Like Jenna, once you have taken loving action, you will need to evaluate
whether the action is working for you. First ask yourself what you are feeling.

• Are you feeling a sense of relief?

• Do you feel happier, less alone, more connected with Self, others, and
God?
• Is your core shame—the belief that you are intrinsically bad, flawed, or
unworthy—diminishing?
• Do you feel freer and less afraid?
• Are you less interested in pursuing your substance or process
addictions?
• Do you have a greater sense of personal power and self-esteem?
• Are you feeling more playful, more creative? Are you laughing more?
Are you more compassionate? More intuitive? More honest?

“Acting out addictively, such as overeating or taking out

your anger on someone, generally feels good in the
moment - that’s how it got to be an addiction.”

If you’re answering “no” to most of these questions, it shows you that healing
is NOT occurring. Therefore, go back to Step Four and ask your spiritual
guidance to help you discover another loving action. For example, perhaps
your Inner Child needs even more time with you, more time in prayer, or
needs you to get help with the process. Perhaps he or she needs to be held
by someone who can bring through unconditional love to him or her and
help heal the wound of not having been held this way as a child. Or, your

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Inner Child may need you to spend more time having fun with others or may
need more time alone to pursue passions or hobbies.

When you evaluate your actions, you cannot just look at how you feel in the
moment. Acting out addictively, such as overeating or taking out your anger
on someone, generally feels good in the moment - that’s how it got to be
an addiction. Often, when you take a loving action, such as cutting out sugar
or chocolate or caffeine, stopping drinking, taking drugs, or smoking, not
acting out sexually, no longer taking responsibility for another’s feelings, or
no longer dumping your anger on others, you feel awful in the moment. Your
inner child feels frightened at having a crutch taken away, or feels deprived
of something that gives him or her momentary pleasure, or feels terrified of
rejection and aloneness.

Your addictions worked to make you feel better for the moment, so when
you stop them, you will likely go through a period of feeling much worse.
You may go through both physical and emotional withdrawal. Often, what
works for you in the short-term undermines you in the long-term, while what
works in the long-term may not feel good in the short-term.

If It Doesn’t Feel Good, It May Still Be Right

Even though loving action may not always feel good in the moment, if it
is truly in your highest good, it will feel right. You will experience a sense
of inner rightness when you act in a way that is in harmony with your soul.
There is a sense of lightness, freedom and power that comes from taking
good care of yourself, even when it feels difficult, frightening or painful at
first.

When you check in with your Inner Child to evaluate your actions, you must
be sure you are talking to your Core Self and not your wounded self. Your
wounded self will often tell you that you are making a mistake when you
give up a cherished addiction. Your wounded self has many rationalizations

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for wanting to keep the addictions, especially as you start to feel the
emotional or physical withdrawal symptoms. You might hear something like
this:

• Life is too short to give up these pleasures. What’s the point? Why
not just enjoy life while I can? So what if I cut a few years off my life?
It’s worth it. Oh, this is not working. Maybe this isn’t the right day to
start eating differently. I really want that doughnut. I’ll start eating well
tomorrow. One more day of eating junk won’t hurt me.
• Life just isn’t worth living without cigarettes. I love smoking so much.
Not everybody who smokes gets lung cancer, so why go through
this hell. Anyway, the stress of not smoking is worse for me than the
cigarettes.
• The anxiety and guilt I feel when I don’t give in to my husband is too
hard, and he hates it. I’ll probably end up alone if I keep this up.

If you fall for these rationalizations and give in to the wounded self, you
will be giving your Inner Child a pacifier rather than the real thing. You will
force him or her to be satisfied with the illusion of nurturing rather than the
true sense of joy and well-being that comes from the Loving Adult bringing
through Divine love in the form of loving action.

Here’s the bottom line: If you look inside to evaluate your loving action, and
you find that you are still feeling genuinely—not momentarily—depressed,
frightened, hurt, angry or powerless, then you need to go back to dialoguing
with your spiritual guidance (Step Four) to see what else you need to do
regarding a particular situation. This process may go on for days, weeks
or sometimes even months (with very difficult issues) before you discover
the loving action that really works for you regarding a particular situation.
Sometimes you may need to reach out for help with this.

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A Caveat: Saying You’ll “Try” But Not Doing Is Not Loving
Action

Maybe the loving action you decided you needed to take seems difficult.
You need to cut out junk food. You need to get more sleep. You need to cut
someone toxic out of your life.

You tell your Inner Child that “you’ll try” to take the loving action, but you
either procrastinate, do it half-heartedly or don’t do it at all. Rather, you
spend your time in a perpetual state of “trying” instead of actually doing
what you told your Inner Child you’d do.

This makes your Inner Child feel unheard and neglected. Don’t be surprised
if your anxiety, depression or anger come back and you feel worse than you
did before. Your wounded self has been negotiating with you for rights to
continue the destructive behavior or addictive substances, at the expense of
your wellbeing.

That’s why Step Six is so important to the Inner Bonding process. It helps
you “check in” periodically with your Core Self / Inner Child to make sure
you’re taking the loving action that will be in your highest good, and that it’s
the right action to take.

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Reflection Exercise: How Effective Was the Loving
Action?

Here are some questions that you, as a loving Adult, can ask your Inner
Child about the loving action you took on his or her behalf. Be sure to
listen carefully to the answers and write down your answers.

Are you feeling loved by me?

Do you feel a sense of relief?

Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-
indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up?

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Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger?

Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you
still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take
advantage of you?

Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid?

Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to

define you?

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Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others’
disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection?

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 Putting It All Together

Using a real situation from your life, the exercises in this chapter will help you
go through the entire six-step Inner Bonding process.

Using the Six Steps in a Situation with Someone Else

Answering the following questions will help you identify what you’re feeling
and what is happening in a situation with you and someone else. It will also
help you take responsibility for your feelings and reactions.

Person’s name with whom you are in conflict:

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What is the role of this person in your life?

(i.e. Partner or spouse, son or daughter, parent, sibling, relative, friend, God,
etc.)

The conflict is about:

(check all that apply)

___Appearance

___Attitude

___Communication

___Control

___Lack of acceptance/critical/judgmental

___Health

___Money

___Parenting/Children

___Performance

___Resistance

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___Respect

___Responsibility/Chores

___Sex

___Substance Abuse

Time:

___Being on time

___How time is spent

___Connection/disconnection

___Caring/lack of caring

___Emotional support/lack of emotional support

___Other ____________________________________________________

Is this person open to learning?

____ yes ____no

Is this person attacking (overt):

___Yelling

___Getting angry

___Criticizing

___Judging

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___Shaming

___Saying “Tsk, tsk” and shaking head

___Getting annoyed, irritated, short, curt

___Accusing

___Blaming

___Bitching

___Projecting

___Nagging

___Demanding, ordering

___Arguing

___Temper tantrums

___Put-downs

___Interrogating - asking leading questions to which only one answer is

acceptable

___Talking me out of my feelings by telling me I am wrong for having these

feelings

___Scowling

___Disapproving looks

___Using sarcasm

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___Raising eyebrows

___Making comparisons

___Throwing things

___Interrupting

___Hitting, spanking

___Beating

___Burning

___Cutting

Using threats of:

___Financial withdrawal

___Emotional withdrawal

___Sexual withdrawal

___Exposure to others

___Abandonment/leaving

___Illness

___Violence

___Suicide

___Alcohol or drug abuse

___Other ____________________________________________________

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Is this person attacking (covert)?

___Silent angry withdrawal

___The silent treatment

___Shutting down, being emotionally unavailable

___Disapproving sighs

___Therapizing, analyzing

___Moralizing

___Lecturing, giving advice

___Covertly demanding

___Convincing, selling

___Becoming self-righteous

___A superior attitude, arrogant

___Being right about everything

___Acting like a know-it-all

___Teaching, pointing things out without being asked

___Pushing me into therapy

___Pushing others into therapy

___Interpreting

___Denying

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___Being sneaky

___Being deceptive

___Lying or withholding the truth

___Telling half-truths

___Bribery

___Other ____________________________________________________

Is this person pulling? Pulling is attempting to get approval, validation,

caring, compassion, sympathy, attention, agreement, sex, permission, praise
or adoration from others.

___Talking incessantly

___”Poor me” tears, blaming tears

___Pouting, sulking

___Becoming ill

___Feigning physical or emotional fragility

___Attempting to get me to do things for him or her that he or she is capable

of doing for themselves

___Being overly nice

___Doing things for me with expectations attached

___Flattery or giving false compliments

___Flaunting financial success

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___Giving gifts with strings attached

___Over-achieving

___Being perfect

___Complaining

___Explaining

___Justifying

___Whining

___Acting needy

___Projecting an energy that says to me, “You are responsible for my

feelings”

___Projecting an energy that says to me, “You are responsible for my safety
and sense of security”

___Telling his (or her) feelings to make me feel guilty and responsible

___Exaggerating

___Catastrophizing

___Drama

___Bragging

___Story-telling

___Being seductive

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___Reminding me of how he (or she) has helped me

___Standing too close - invading my space

___Asking seemingly innocent invasive questions

___Acting interested without feeling interested in what I am saying

___Other ____________________________________________________

Is this person being caretaking? Caretaking is sacrificing the needs and

wants of your own Inner Child to take care of the needs and wants of others,
when they are capable of doing it themselves. Giving to others from fear
rather than love. Giving to get - giving with an agenda. Caregiving is doing
for others what they cannot do for themselves. Caring is giving for the joy of
it.

___Giving in, giving themselves up, going along with what I want him or her
to do

___Not standing up for themselves

___Not asking for what they want, putting aside what they want

___Downplaying what is important to them

___Giving up their own dreams and goals

___Giving in for now, thinking they won’t have to next time

___Telling themselves that giving in is no big deal

___Telling themselves that what they want isn’t important

___Telling themselves that their wants are wrong

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___Telling themselves that what they want is not worth the battle

___Telling themselves that they don’t deserve to have what they want

___Telling themselves that it’s worth giving in to get the other person off their
back or to get approval

___Telling themselves that it’s more loving to give in than to hurt someone’s
feelings

___Saying something is okay with them when it really isn’t

___Agreeing with others’ points of view

___Not expressing their own opinion

___People pleasing

___Postponing talking about problems

___Staying unaware of what they need

___Staying unaware of what is right for themselves and others

___Staying unaware of their own perceptions and feelings

___Ignoring their own perceptions and feelings

___Distrusting their own perceptions and feelings

___Rescuing others while ignoring their own needs

___Censoring their articulation of their wants and feelings

___Second-guessing and anticipating what others want

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___Putting themselves down

___Suffering, playing the martyr

___Being emotionally or financially indispensable

___Other ____________________________________________________

Is this person resisting (being controlled by me)?

___Saying he/she will do what I want and then not doing it

___Doing the opposite of what I want

___Doing nothing

___Explaining, defending, denying or getting mad about why they shouldn’t

do it

___Getting critical and making me wrong for asking

___Saying they will do it and then doing something else

___Saying they will do it and then forgetting or failing to show up

___Procrastinating

___Acting helpless or incompetent

___Getting apathetic, having no enthusiasm

___Getting sick

___Giving to pets and friends what I have asked him/her to give to me

___Being late

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___Deliberately misunderstanding what I am saying

___Doing what I want but doing it half way or doing a poor job

___Doing it wrong on purpose

___Finding some way to sabotage the situation

___Pretending not to hear

___Being uninterested

___Being closed to learning

___Refusing to make a commitment

___Other ____________________________________________________

Is this person shutting me out with:

___Work

___Busyness

___Drugs

___Alcohol

___Hobbies

___Illness

___Meditation

___Reporting/storytelling

___Worrying

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___Reading

___Sports

___Exercise

___Spending time with friends

___Spending money

___Watching TV

___Being overly absorbed with the children

___Food

___Depression

___Sleep

___Fantasizing/daydreaming

___Headphones

___Music

___Other _______________________________________________

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I am open to learning. ___Yes ___No

Ways I am trying to control, or may be trying to control in this situation,

even if I’m open to learning:

I attempt to have control over how (this person) feels about me and/or
treats me in the following ways:

___Yelling

___Getting angry

___Criticizing

___Judging

___Shaming

___Saying “Tsk, tsk” and shaking my head

___Getting annoyed, irritated, short, curt

___Accusing

___Blaming

___Bitching

___Projecting

___Nagging

___Demanding, ordering

___Arguing

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___Debating

___Temper tantrums

___Put-downs

___Interrogating - asking leading questions to which only one answer is

acceptable

___Talking others out of their feelings by telling them they are wrong for
having their feelings

___Scowling

___Disapproving looks

___Using sarcasm

___Raising my eyebrows

___Making comparisons

___Throwing things

___Interrupting

___Hitting, spanking

___Beating

___Burning

___Cutting

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Using threats of:

___Financial withdrawal

___Emotional withdrawal

___Sexual withdrawal

___Exposure to others

___Abandonment/leaving

___Illness

___Violence

___Suicide

___Alcohol or drug abuse

___Other ______________________________________________

I use the following attacking, covert ways to attempt to control how this
person feels about me and/or treats me:

___Silent angry withdrawal

___The silent treatment

___Shutting down, being emotionally unavailable

___Disapproving sighs

___Therapizing, analyzing

___Moralizing

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___Lecturing, giving advice

___Covertly demanding: for example, if I want a particular section of

the newspaper saved, saying “Let’s be sure to save that section of the
newspaper,” instead of doing it myself or directly asking the other to do it for
me

___Convincing, selling

___Becoming self-righteous

___A superior attitude, arrogant

___Being right about everything

___Acting like a know-it-all

___Teaching, pointing things out without being asked

___Pushing the other person into therapy

___Interpreting

___Denying

___Being sneaky

___Being deceptive

___Lying or withholding the truth

___Telling half-truths

___Bribery

___Other __________________________________________

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I attempt to have control over how A feels about me and/or treats
me by pulling for attention, approval, appreciation, acknowledgment,
compassion, empathy, validation, connection, agreements, permission,
praise or adoration:

___Talking incessantly

___”Poor me” tears, blaming tears

___Pouting, sulking

___Becoming ill

___Feigning physical or emotional fragility

___Attempting to get others to do things for me that I am capable of doing

for myself

___Being overly nice

___Doing things for others with expectations attached

___Flattery or giving false compliments

___Flaunting financial success

___Giving gifts with strings attached

___Over-achieving

___Being perfect

___Complaining

___Explaining

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___Justifying

___Whining

___Acting needy

___Projecting an energy that says to others, “You are responsible for my

feelings”

___Projecting an energy that says to others, “You are responsible for my

safety and sense of security”

___Telling my feelings to make the other feel guilty and responsible

___Exaggerating

___Catastrophizing

___Drama

___Bragging

___Story-telling

___Being seductive

___Reminding others of how I’ve helped them

___Standing too close - invading another’s space

___Asking seemingly innocent invasive questions

___Acting interested without feeling interested in what another is saying

___Other __________________________________________________

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I attempt to have control over how A feels about me and/or treats me by
caretaking in the following ways:

___Giving in, giving myself up, going along with what others want me to do

___Not standing up for myself in the moment

___Not speaking my truth in the moment

___Not asking for what I want, putting aside what I want

___Downplaying what is important to me

___Giving up my own dreams and goals

___Giving in for now, thinking I won’t have to next time

___Telling myself that giving in is no big deal

___Telling myself that what I want isn’t important

___Telling myself that my wants are wrong

___Telling myself that what I want is not worth the battle

___Telling myself that I don’t deserve to have what I want

___Telling myself that it’s worth giving in to get the other person off my back
or to get approval

___Telling myself that it’s more loving to give in than to hurt someone’s
feelings

___Saying something is okay with me when it really isn’t

___Agreeing with others’ points of view

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___Not expressing my own opinion

___People pleasing

___Postponing talking about problems

___Staying unaware of what I need

___Staying unaware of what is right for myself and others

___Staying unaware of my own perceptions and feelings

___Ignoring my own perceptions and feelings

___Distrusting my own perceptions and feelings

___Rescuing others while ignoring my own needs

___Censoring my articulation of my wants and feelings

___Second-guessing and anticipating what others want

___Putting myself down

___Suffering, playing the martyr

___Being emotionally or financially indispensable

___Other ________________________________________________

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I resist being controlled by this person in the following ways:

___Saying I’ll do what he/she wants and then I don’t do it

___Doing the opposite of what he/she wants

___Doing nothing

___Explaining, defending, denying or getting mad about why I shouldn’t do it

___Getting critical and making the other person wrong for asking

___Saying I’ll do it and then doing something else

___Saying I’d do it and then forgetting or failing to show up

___Procrastinating

___Acting helpless or incompetent

___Getting apathetic, having no enthusiasm

___Getting sick

___Giving to pets or friends what another has asked me to give to them

___Being late

___Deliberately misunderstanding what the other person is saying

___Doing what the other person wants, but doing it halfway or doing a poor
job

___Doing it wrong on purpose

___Finding some way to sabotage the situation

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___Pretending not to hear

___Being uninterested

___Being closed to learning

___Refusing to make a commitment

___Other ____________________________________________

I shut this person out as a way to resist being controlled by him/her in

the following ways:

___Work

___Drugs

___Alcohol

___Hobbies

___Illness

___Meditation

___Reporting/storytelling

___Worrying

___Reading

___Sports

___Exercise

___Spending time with friends

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___Spending money

___Watching TV

___Being overly absorbed with the children

___Food

___Depression

___Sleep

___Fantasizing/daydreaming

___Headphones

___Music

___Other ____________________________________________

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Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

Take some deep breaths, following your breath as it takes you inside your
body. Move your focus into this moment, moving toward your feelings,
becoming mindful of your inner experience. For right now, let go of the past
and future and be fully present in this moment. Scan your body and gently
attend to the physical sensations within your body - the tension, butterflies,
tightness, numbness, emptiness, heaviness, aching - and try to identify your
emotions. Pay attention to the anger, stress, anxiety, depression, aloneness,
sadness, heartache, heartbreak, loneliness - or any other feelings you may
be feeling.

Throughout the Inner Bonding process, be sure to hold and comfort yourself
any time pain comes up. Imagine your pain as a child who needs holding,
love and comfort.

Remember, your feelings are your inner guidance system, letting you know
when you are on or off track regarding your thoughts and behavior, and
when a person or situation is hurtful to you. Looking at pictures of yourself
as a child can help you stay compassionate rather than judgmental toward
your feelings. Compassion is essential to learning and healing. Judgment
will stop the learning process and cause you more distress.

What are you feeling right now as a result of the situation you want to
resolve?

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Wounded feelings:

Your wounded feelings are telling you that you are thinking or behaving
in ways that are off track - not in alignment with what is right and true for
you, and not in your highest good. Every wounded feeling is your inner
Guidance letting you know that you need to explore what you are thinking,
doing or not doing that is causing your pain in the situation you are currently
exploring.

These feelings come from your own thoughts, false beliefs and resulting
behavior. These feelings need welcoming, embracing, comforting, exploring
and healing.

Check all that apply in this situation:

OO Abandoned

OO Agitated

OO Alone

OO Angry

OO Anxious

OO Bad

OO Betrayed

OO Blaming

OO Blank

OO Bored

OO Confused

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OO Crazy

OO Critical

OO Damaged

OO Deadened

OO Defensive

OO Depressed

OO Despairing

OO Devastated

OO Disappointed

OO Disconnected

OO Discounted

OO Disrespected

OO Drained

OO Dread

OO Embarrassed

OO Empty

OO Engulfed

OO Envious

OO Excluded

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OO Fearful

OO Foolish

OO Fragile

OO Frustrated

OO Greedy

OO Guilty

OO Hateful

OO Helpless over self

OO Hopeless

OO Humiliated

OO Hurt

OO Immobilized

OO Impatient

OO Inadequate

OO Incompetent

OO Indifferent

OO Insecure

OO Invisible

OO Jealous

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OO Judgmental

OO Martyred

OO Murderous

OO Needy

OO Nervous

OO Nothing

OO Numb

OO One-down

OO One-up

OO Overwhelmed

OO Panicked

OO Paralyzed

OO Possessive

OO Powerless over self

OO Rageful

OO Regretful

OO Rejected

OO Resentful

OO Resistant

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OO Righteous

OO Scared

OO Shamed

OO Stressed

OO Stupid

OO Sullen

OO Tense

OO Terrified

OO Threatened

OO Thrown away

OO Trapped

OO Unappreciated

OO Uncomfortable

OO Uneasy

OO Unimportant

OO Unheard

OO Unlovable

OO Unloved

OO Unseen

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 OO Unworthy

OO Uptight

OO Used

OO Vengeful

OO Victimized

OO Violated

OO Weak

OO Wrong

OO Sad

OO Other

Core feelings: Painful

Painful Core feelings are the natural feelings that are the result of difficult or
painful relationship interactions, events, and circumstances. These feelings
need to be acknowledged, embraced, understood and comforted with
deep caring, gentleness, and compassion - keeping them company as you
would a child who is hurting. Holding a doll or stuffed animal or imagining
holding yourself as a child is one way of comforting yourself.

These are the feelings that were too painful to feel as children, so you
learned to avoid them with protective, controlling, addictive behavior.
Opening to these core painful feelings with deep kindness and caring
toward yourself is essential to healing the wounded self, and essential to
knowing the truth about others’ intentions.

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Core feelings may be painful, or core feelings may be positive. All feelings,
painful or positive, are positive in the sense that they have much to tell us
and teach us.

What are the core painful feelings you are experiencing as a result of your
current conflict situation?

Check all that apply in this situation:

__Fear/Terror/Dread from real and present danger

__Grief

__Heartache

__Heartbreak

__Shattered

__Helplessness over others

__Loneliness

__Outrage over real injustice

__Sadness

__Sorrow

__Other __________________________

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Core feelings: Positive

Positive Core feelings are the result of being loving to yourself and others
and doing your inner work. They are the result of you taking responsibility
for creating your painful wounded feelings, for nurturing your painful core
feelings, and for taking loving action for yourself and with others. These
positive feelings are your Guidance’s way of letting you know that you are
on-track in your thinking, and in your behavior with yourself and others - that
you are thinking and behaving in ways that are in your highest good.

Are you currently feeling any core positive feelings as a result of this conflict
situation?

Check all that apply in this situation:

__Alive

__Compassionate

__Connected

__Content

__Empathic

__Excited

__Free

__Full, fulfilled

__Generous

__Grateful

__Happy

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__Inwardly powerful

__Joyful

__Loving

__Moved, touched

__Passionate

__Peaceful

__Playful

__Serene

__Other ______________________

Do you WANT full, 100% responsibility for what you are telling yourself or
doing in this current situation that is causing your wounded feelings, for
nurturing your core painful feelings that you feel in this situation, and for
taking loving action on your own behalf? Do you WANT to discover what
you are thinking, believing, and doing that may be causing or sustaining
your wounded feelings in this situation?

__Yes

__No

__Maybe

__Don’t know

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If you are 100% certain that the answer is “yes”, that there are no false beliefs
in the way of wanting to take full personal responsibility for your feelings,
then say out loud, “I WANT to take 100% responsibility for my own feelings -
for learning how I cause my wounded feelings, for taking loving care of my
core feelings, and for taking loving action on my own behalf.” Then move to
Step Two below.

Even if the answer is “Yes”, if this is your first time through this process,
you might want to explore the false beliefs that may be in the way of
willingness anyway, because we all have them and they provide some good
information.

Here are the beliefs that are formed as a result taking responsibility for
your feelings:

• I believe that my best feelings come from outside myself, so there is

no point in trying to make myself happy.
• I believe that other’s love and approval is what makes me happiest.
• I believe that getting love from others feels better than giving it to
myself and others.
• I believe that, even if I do take responsibility for my own feelings, it
will never make me feel as filled up and happy as getting love from
someone else.
• I believe that my lovability and worth come from others attention, love,
and approval so there is no point in giving it to myself.

If your answer is “No,” “Maybe,” or “Don’t Know,” there must be some good
reasons - your false beliefs - why you are unwilling or unsure.

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To explore the beliefs in the way of your wanting responsibility, continue on
to the next section, Beliefs That May Be in the Way of Taking Responsibility
for Myself. Otherwise, continue with the section

Beliefs that May be in the Way of Wanting to Take

Responsibility for Myself

Mark the beliefs that may be in the way of you wanting to take responsibility
for yourself, and then select to go to a discussion of the belief by clicking
on the small “i” next to the belief. Try to mark the beliefs that you feel in your
wounded self. Your conscious mind might say, “I know this isn’t true,” but you
may be operating from the belief nevertheless.

(check all that apply)

OO I believe that I am not causing any of my feelings. I believe that all my

feelings are being caused by others, events, or the past, so there is no
reason for me to take responsibility for them.

OO I believe that I am right. Others need to change, not me, so there is no

point in learning about myself or taking responsibility for my feelings.

OO I believe that I am entitled to be taken care of. I shouldn’t have to do

it for myself - others should make me feel happy, safe, secure, and
worthy.

OO I believe that if I take responsibility for myself, I have to give up hoping

that someone else will do it for me. I would rather keep hoping that
someone will give me what I never got as I was growing up, even if I
have to stay in pain.

OO I believe that if I discover that I am responsible for my own feelings, I

will feel like destroying myself.

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OO I believe I am incapable of taking care of my own feelings. I’m afraid of
failing at taking care of myself.

OO I believe that if I look within, I will discover that my core is bad, wrong,
or unworthy. I will discover things that I have been hiding from myself,
things I don’t want to know about myself.

OO I believe that if I look within, I will discover that there is nothing there,
that I am empty inside.

OO I believe this process is too much work. It takes up too much energy. I
don’t have the time.

OO I am in crisis now so there is no time to take care of myself.

OO Others are in crisis now so there is no time to take care of myself.

OO I believe that if I open there will be too much anger for me to handle -
at myself or at others.

OO I believe that I cannot handle my pain, especially of rejection,

aloneness, loneliness, heartbreak, and grief. I will explode, die or go
crazy if I feel my pain.

OO I believe that if I open I will be vulnerable to being controlled by my

Inner Child, by others or by God.

OO I believe that if I give up trying to control others and events with my

thoughts and actions, I will never get what I want. I need to ruminate
and worry to get what I want.

OO I believe my Inner Child is too demanding and needy.

OO I believe that resisting being controlled by my own desires or anyone

else’s, is more important than loving myself or others.

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 OO I believe if I open I will lose control over the people and events that
can cause my pain of aloneness and engulfment.

OO I believe that others can and should make up for what I lacked as a
child.

I believe that it’s not my job to make myself happy. The job belongs to my:

OO Parents

OO Siblings or other family members

OO Partner

OO Boss

OO Therapist

OO Children

OO Future partner

OO Friends

OO Minister, priest, rabbi

OO Other

OO I believe that my best feelings come from outside myself, so there is

no point in trying to make myself happy.

OO I believe that other’s love and approval is what makes me happiest.

OO I believe that getting love from others feels better than giving it to
myself and others.

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 OO I believe that, even if I do take responsibility for my own feelings, it
will never make me feel as filled up and happy as getting love from
someone else.

OO I believe that my lovability and worth come from others attention, love,
and approval so there is no point in giving it to myself.

OO I believe that I will have to confront an inner conflict between my

Core Self and my wounded self about where I live, the work I do, the
relationship I am in, or whether or not I want to have a family and that I
will have to make changes that will make me more unhappy than I am
now.

Raise Your Frequency and Be Open to Learning

Now that you have some clarity about your feelings with the situation, move
into an intent to learn from those feelings and open yourself to your Spiritual
Guidance.

Use your imagination, and trust what you are seeing and hearing with
your inner ear and inner vision. Call Spirit/God into your heart, consciously
choosing to learn about what you might be telling yourself or doing that is
causing distress. Or, choose to nurture your Core feelings that are a normal
part of life (grief, heartbreak, etc.).

• You know you are in the intent to learn when:

• Your heart is filled with warmth, kindness, love and compassion for
your wounded self and Core Self.
• You are filled with a deep desire to know how you may be causing
your pain and what you need to do to bring joy.

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 • You are filled with curiosity about the very good reasons you have for
feeling and behaving the way you are.
• You deeply desire to learn to be more loving with yourself and others,
with no other agenda attached.
• It is more important to be loving than to protect against that which you
fear.

Dialogue About the Conflict with Your Inner Child /

Wounded Self

Next, using the voice of the Core Self / Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“What is happening in this conflict that is sad or upsetting to you?”

Inner Child’s answer:

“How do you feel about it?”

Inner Child’s answer:

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“How are you responding to the conflict?”

Inner Child’s answer:

Using your Loving Adult, ask your Wounded Self:

“What are the very good reasons - your fears and limiting beliefs - you
have for behaving in these ways?”

Wounded self’s answer:

Or check all that apply:

OO I can control the outcome of things

OO I can have control over the outcome of things through worry,

rumination, or self-judgment

OO I can control how others feel about me and treat me

OO I can control others liking me, loving me, caring about me, respecting
me

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 OO I can have control over whether people reject me

OO I can have control over someone desiring me sexuall

OO Having control over others is what will make me feel safe

OO If I punish myself for my mistakes or inadequacies - with self-

judgment, physical abuse, neglect of my health and wellbeing, or
some other form of self-punishment - then others or God won’t punish
me. I can have control over others and God not judging me, rejecting
me, ridiculing me or abandoning me by hurting myself or making
myself feel guilty.

OO I can have control over getting other people to change

OO I can have control over getting other people to open to learning

OO I can have control over getting other people to take good care of
themselves regarding their health

OO I can have control over getting others to take good care of themselves
financially

OO I can have control over getting other people to see things my way

From your Loving Adult, ask your wounded self:

“What are the false beliefs I have about this situation?”

Wounded Self’s answer:

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From your Loving Adult, ask your wounded self:

“What are the experiences that you remember from your past that led to
these false beliefs?”

Wounded self’s answer:

From your Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“Who does this person with whom you’re in conflict remind you of?”

Inner Child’s answer:

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From your Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“What are the similarities of this reminded person or people?”

Inner Child’s answer:

From your Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“Does this situation remind you of a painful or traumatic experience or

experiences you had when you were little? If so, what was it?”

Inner Child’s answer:

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While it may seem to you that all your feelings are being caused by the
person you are in conflict with, the rest of this process is designed to help
you see how you are causing your own wounded feelings. It is only when
you see that your false beliefs and resulting protective, controlling behaviors
- designed to protect against the underlying core feelings - are causing your
wounded feelings, that you can move into personal responsibility for your
own feelings. It’s now time to connect your painful wounded feelings with
your protective, controlling, avoidant behavior.

From your Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“When I’m being the wounded self and acting protective, controlling or
avoidant, how do you feel inside?”

Inner Child’s answer:

Sometimes certain feelings are being used as protections - cover-ups -

against a deeper level of pain:

• Anger can be a cover-up for helplessness, loneliness, heartache,

heartbreak, fear and shame.

• Shame is generally a cover-up for helplessness (“Because I am defective,

it is my fault that...”. Believing something is your fault gives you a feeling
of control, which is a cover-up for feeling helpless over someone else’s
feelings or behavior).

• Depression is often a cover-up for anger, especially the Inner Child’s anger
at the wounded self.

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• Numbness may be covering up fear, anxiety, shame, or any other difficult
feeling.

Other times feelings are the result of protections:

• Anxiety and depression are often the result of not taking care of
ourselves. When we attempt to control others into loving and defining us
rather than taking responsibility for loving and defining ourselves, our Inner
Child feels abandoned and may feel anxious or depressed as a result.

From your Loving Adult, ask your wounded self:

“Do you feel righteous as a result of this conflict? That is, do you feel
one-up/better than, entitled? If yes, what are you telling yourself that’s
leading you to feel this way?”

Wounded self’s answer:

“Is the Inner Child feeling shame - inadequate, bad, wrong, unworthy,
unlovable, unimportant, not good enough, defective, flawed? If yes, what
are you telling yourself that’s leading the Inner Child to feel shame?”

Wounded self’s answer:

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“If your intent is to protect, what do you believe your protective behavior
- your anger, blame, withdrawal, pulling, compliance or resistance - is
protecting you from feeling?”

Wounded self’s answer:

“When you are angry, blaming, withdrawing, pulling, caretaking, or

resisting, what are you trying to get the other person to stop doing or to
not do? What are you trying to control?”

Wounded self’s answer:

“When you are acting in your protective, controlling ways, what are you
trying to get from the other person?”

Wounded self’s answer:

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NOTE: Whatever you are wanting from another is often what your Inner
Child is needing from you.

“What are the reasons for believing that these protective controlling
behaviors will get you what you want? What experiences with others led
to these beliefs? What role-modeling led you to learn to believe and
behave like this?”

Wounded self’s answer:

“What are you afraid will happen if you give up your protective,
controlling behaviors and open to learning with the other person, speak
up for yourself and/or lovingly disengage from the conflict?”

Wounded self’s answer:

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From your Loving Adult, ask your Inner Child:

“How am I treating you, my inner child, when I am operating from the

wounded self? What am I telling you, thinking, doing or not doing that is
unloving to you?”

Inner Child’s answer:

“How do you feel about me as the wounded self, when I treat you in those
ways?”

Inner Child’s answer:

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Loving Adult (or Guidance) Welcomes and Embraces the Wounded Self,
and Asks the Wounded Self (which can be any age):

“You must have some very good reasons for treating the Inner Child like
this. What are the beliefs causing you to behave like this?”

Wounded self’s answer:

In the following question, the wounded self may be as young as two or

three. Sometimes it is five or six. Frequently it is an adolescent between
twelve and seventeen. Sometimes, the wounded self is a young adult. It
depends on when you developed a particular false belief, addiction or
protective behavior. Tune inside and let an age pop into your mind. If you
cannot identify an age, then move on. An age may not be important in your
process.

ASK YOURSELF:

“How old is this wounded part that has these beliefs and behaviors? How
old do I feel when I am behaving in these ways?”

Age:

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Imagine your Spiritual Guidance embracing your wounded self with
unconditional love and compassion. Your wounded self is the part of you
that needs healing, and healing occurs only through love. Spend a few
minutes giving your wounded self some unconditional love and compassion.
It might be helpful to hold a doll or stuffed animal that represents your
wounded self.

When the Loving Adult takes over the responsibility instead of leaving it to
the wounded self, the loving Adult is empowered with the energy of God/
Spirit/Higher Power. When you take care of yourself in partnership with
Spirit, you are no longer anxious, fearful, exhausted or overwhelmed.

However, when there is no loving Adult, the wounded self is in charge.

While the wounded self wants to be in control of others and the outcome of
things, it does not know how to take care of the Inner Child and does not like
being responsible for the Inner Child. It is the wounded self that goes into
resistance to being loving to yourself.

From your Loving Adult, ask your Wounded Self:

“How do you feel about having to take care of the Inner Child?”

Wounded self’s answer:

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Dialogue With Your Spiritual Guidance

Accessing your Spiritual Guidance, ask from your Loving Adult:

What is the real issue here?

What do I need to explore about myself?

What is my responsibility in this situation?

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Loving Actions Toward Yourself

When you want to discover the loving action toward yourself, ask your
Spiritual Guidance:

What is in my highest good?

What are some loving actions you are committed to take toward yourself
that will result in your highest good?

(Write answer below or check all that apply to this situation)

OO Give approval to myself

OO Let go of shaming and blaming myself

OO Make it okay to make mistakes

OO Define my worth as separate from my performance

OO Define my worth as separate from my looks

OO Define my own worth and lovability

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 OO Set appropriate boundaries, not allowing this person to violate me
sexually, physically, emotionally, energetically, or financially

OO Take responsibility for my feelings of pain and joy

OO Take responsibility for my health and wellbeing

OO Take responsibility for myself

OO Let go of expectations of this person being the way I want him/her to

be

OO Embrace my wounded feelings with compassion and an intent to

learn how I am creating them

OO Attend with deep caring, gentleness, compassion, and understanding

to my core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sadness,
sorrow, grief, and/or helplessness over others

Examples of other types of loving actions you can take for your highest
good:

OO Stop procrastinating

OO Get to appointments on time

OO Attend marriage counseling

OO Spend more time in nature

OO Let go of being obsessively clean

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 OO Reach out for professional help with finances, health, etc.

OO Forgive myself or forgive others

OO Leave an abusive relationship

Without loving action, the first four steps of Inner Bonding mean very little. It
is only through taking the action that your wounded self will heal. Your Inner
Child will continue to feel anxious, depressed, unworthy and unlovable until
you treat him or her with love and take action on his or her behalf.

Evaluate the Loving Action

You may need a day or as long as several weeks or months to evaluate

the effectiveness of your loving action toward yourself. Come back to this
question when you feel you’ve given yourself enough time to complete the
loving action.

How are you feeling as a result of the loving action you took on your
behalf?

Are you experiencing less painful feelings, the same or more? Describe
what you’re experiencing?

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Do you need to revisit the loving action or come up with a different loving
action?

CONGRATULATIONS!! You have now journeyed through the Six Steps, and
you possess the tools to bring yourself to your best life possible!

Do these Six Steps daily until this process is a part of your life, and
something you are doing all the time. With practice, you can be in Step One
most of the time, which means being mindful of your feelings so you know
when you need to go through the other steps.

Through practicing these steps, you can create a loving and fulfilling life,
even if you are alone or in difficult circumstances. While these steps may
seem cumbersome and complicated at first, with practice you can learn to
move through them fairly quickly. Once you are proficient in the process,
you will find that you don’t stay stuck in painful feelings for very long.

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 Examples of Inner Bonding Dialogue

You may wonder, what does dialoguing with your Inner Child or Loving
Adult look like? This chapter contains two examples from work with my
clients (names have been changed), so you can review it and gain a better
understanding of the process of the Inner Bonding dialogue.

“I Feel Scared, Alone and Want You to Love Me”: Stephanie

The following dialogue was written by Stephanie, a twenty-eight year old

stunt artist. Stephanie used to be bulimic but her loving Adult is now able to
control her weight through good nutrition and exercise. On this morning she
did not want to get out of bed and exercise. Stephanie is sometimes a loving
Adult for her Inner Child, and sometimes she is not, tending to get lethargic
and cry when she feels alone. Stephanie has a spiritual Guide she calls
Nimo.

Stephanie is willing to learn about and take responsibility for her feelings.
When she feels open, she moves into Step Three:

Adult: Good morning, little Stephanie. Can you tell me why you don’t feel like
exercising?

Child: I feel scared.

Adult: Can you tell me why you feel scared?

Child: Because I feel alone and I want someone to hold me. I want you to
love me. I feel very scared and alone.

Adult: I love you very much and I will protect you. Would you like for me to
hold you?

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Child: Yes. (Stephanie holds her doll).

Adult: Why are you crying?

Child: Because you don’t do this enough and I don’t trust that you will.

Adult: Nimo, how do I make her feel loved and safe?

Nimo: Hold her, tell her you love her. She is a beautiful, perfect baby girl.
Pour all your love into her. Trust this process.

Adult: Okay.....She still feels scared and still wants to cry.

Nimo: Let her grieve over the love that you’ve been unwillling to give her.

Adult: Okay.

Nimo: These are tears of a rainbow. Don’t let them frighten you. Be proud of
yourself. You are very lovable and I love you and will always be by your side.
You are never alone. Feel my warmth around you.

Adult: I feel it. (I’m crying and smiling).

Nimo: Do something fun with your child today. She wants to know you love
her. Praise her and reward her for her willingness to share her pain with you.
If you get scared, call on me.

Adult: Thank you, Nimo.

Nimo: You’re welcome, my child.

Adult: Little Stephanie, how about we do something fun today for exercise?

Child: Yes. Yes.

Adult: How would you like to do yoga?

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Child: I like Yoga because it’s fun and I feel good afterwards. Can we sing
and dance today also? I want to laugh also.

Adult: Okay, we’ll sing in the car and take our singing class on Friday. We’ll
dance in the living room tonight and I’ll make you laugh all day. Today we’ll
play, but we must also make time to run so we can be strong and healthy.

Child: Okay.

Adult: Are you ready to get up?

Child: Yes!

Adult: Okay. I love you.

Child: I love you too.

Stephanie followed through on the loving action and reported that she had
a wonderful day!

“Feeling Rageful”: Jennifer

Jennifer came to see me for Inner Bonding work because she was unhappy
with some of her relationships, especially her relationships with her husband
Mark, her best friend Amanda, and her mother. She was often very angry,
even rageful, at seemingly minor incidents, and she seemed to have no
control over this rage. While her relationship with her two sons seemed to
be good, she noticed that as they grew older she was occasionally angry
with them as well. She came to me blaming those around her for her upsets,
claiming that her anger was due to others being so uncaring. If only other
people would be more caring, then she wouldn’t get so angry.

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As we explored her history she told me that, when she was around two
years old, she had fallen off an outside flight of stairs and fractured her
skull on the concrete below. For a while, it was doubtful that she would live.
Obviously, she survived, but she had been in the hospital for an extended
period of time and during some of the time she had been strapped to the
bed and her parents weren’t allowed to see her. She was told not to cry, that
crying would make her worse. She spent terrible weeks alone and terrified,
feeling completely abandoned. Not only was she severely traumatized, she
unconsciously decided that no one cared about her, and then went to core
shame: no one cared about her because she was bad. By the time she got
out of the hospital, these beliefs were deeply imbedded in her developing
wounded self.

This awareness took time to emerge, but even understanding all this—
along with various forms of trauma therapy to release the trauma out of
her system—did not do much for her sudden outbursts of rage. Awareness
itself rarely shifts behavior. While trauma release is vitally important, as long
as she believed she was bad and that people didn’t care about her, her
wounded self tried to have control over getting others to care by getting
angry and blaming others for her abandonment feelings. As long as she
did not have a loving Adult caring for her Inner Child, she would continue
to feel abandoned, no matter how loving others were. There would always
be something that would touch off her deep abandonment wound until her
wounded Inner Child no longer felt abandoned by her adult.

While Jennifer did not yet have a solid loving Adult, she did have excellent
access to her Spiritual Guidance, whom she called Teresa. Below is a
composite dialogue between her Spiritual Guidance, her Loving Adult and
her wounded self, facilitated during a number of sessions. In this dialogue,
Jennifer is using a doll to represent her wounded child, and the italicized
words represent my comments.

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Jennifer (in a wounded state): (Crying and angry) I’m so angry at Mark. He just
doesn’t care about me. He never wants to spend any time with me and he
criticizes me all the time. He doesn’t help me when I really need help. We
had company over last Sunday and he was so involved with the kids and our
guests that he didn’t even notice when I needed help with things. (Blaming,
feeling like a victim. She is not yet in Step One.)

Margaret: It sounds like you felt really abandoned again.

Wounded Jennifer: That’s right. He always does this to me and I’m sick of it.
I didn’t get married to be treated like this. (She has no intent to learn at all.
Her wounded self just wants to blame in order to avoid feeling the depth of
her old aloneness and loneliness. Her anger and blaming serve to protect
her from the feelings that she is afraid to feel.)

Margaret: Jennifer, would you be willing to go a little deeper and see what is
under this anger? Are you willing to pray and then ask Teresa for help right
now? (Asking her to move into Steps One and Two).

Wounded Jennifer: (She is reluctant to give up her blaming. She is very

addicted to the anger and blame and once she starts, it is hard for her to
stop. She finally winds down when I refuse to participate in her blaming. She
closes her eyes and takes some deep breaths.) Okay............God, please help
me open my heart. Please help me want to learn. Teresa, please help me
right now. I really need your help.

After a few minutes, Jennifer calms down and is able to access her
Guidance. As her heart opens, she is moved to tears - not from feeling
victimized, but from the love that is entering her heart. She allows Teresa to
speak through her.

Loving Adult Jennifer: Jenny, I am here and I love you. You are not alone.

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Margaret: Jennifer, please imagine that your core little child is with Teresa
and so is your 2 year-old wounded child. Ask Teresa first to show you who
your Core Self is. See if you can see her through Teresa’s eyes rather than
through your mother’s eyes and see why Teresa loves you. (This is part of
Step Four. Sometimes the exploration starts with Step Four rather than Step
Three. We often go back and forth between Steps Three and Four).

Loving Adult Jennifer: Okay. Teresa, please tell me who I really am as

my core Child.........Oh! She is showing me a beautiful shining little girl, so
innocent, so loving, so smart!

Margaret: Is there anything bad about this little girl?

Jennifer: Oh no! There is nothing bad about her at all!

Margaret: Does she deserve to be loved by you?

Jennifer: Yes!

Margaret: Now ask Teresa to show you your wounded little child.

Jennifer: Oh I see her. She is so frightened. She feels so alone. (Starts to cry
again.)

Margaret: Ask her why she gets so angry. (Step Three)

Jennifer: Jenny, why do you get so angry? (Jennifer now allows herself to
sink down into herself, becoming a child, speaking from that wounded part
of her that is so angry.)

Wounded Jenny: It’s not my fault. Mark makes me so angry.

Margaret: Ask her what she hopes for by getting angry at Mark. (She asks
the question of Jenny.)

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Wounded Jenny: I hope he will see that he is hurting me and change.

Margaret: So you hope your anger will have control over Mark? You hope he
will change and take away your pain?

Wounded Jenny: Yeah, if I’m mad he will know he is hurting me and stop.

Margaret: Jennifer, is your anger working for you?

Jennifer: No, not at all. He is moving further away from me. I’m scared he’s
going to leave me.

Margaret: Jennifer, where did you learn to use anger to control? Who used
anger in your family to control?

Jennifer: Both of my parents, but especially my mother. She was always

yelling at us and at my father. Oh my god! When I was a kid I vowed never to
be like my mother and here I am, just like her.

Margaret: Did her anger work to control you?

Jennifer: Yes. I was always trying to please her. Until I was a teenager and
then I rebelled.

Margaret: So now you believe that, because it worked to control you when
you were little, you can control others in the same way?

Jennifer: Yes, I see that. I do think I can get people to stop hurting me by
using my anger. I see that it is not working. But I feel so awful when people
are not caring about me. I don’t know what to do.

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Margaret: You feel awful when you believe people are not caring about you,
and then your wounded self tries to protect you from this perceived threat
of abandonment. What is really happening is you are not caring about you.
You are abandoning your child and then projecting this onto others. Imagine
that you as a loving Adult are with your wounded child and with Teresa. Can
you go over and put your arms around your wounded child? (Step Five)

Jennifer: Yes, I can hold her. She’s so frightened. She feels so alone.................
Oh, I see her in the hospital bed! She wants her mommy. She doesn’t
understand why her mommy isn’t with her.

Margaret: Now go over to the hospital bed and pick her up and hold her. Let
her know that you and Teresa are here with her, that she is not alone any
more. Jennifer, is she bad? Is she alone in that hospital bed because she is
bad?

Jennifer: No. She isn’t bad...Well, I don’t know. Maybe she is bad for falling
off the stairs. She wasn’t supposed to be playing there so maybe this is what
happened because she was bad.

Margaret: Ask Teresa if this happened because she is bad. (Step Four)

Jennifer: Teresa, did all this happen to me because I am bad? Was I bad for
playing on the stairs?

Teresa: (Speaking through Jennifer) My dear, you are that sweet innocent
child I showed you. That is who you really are. You were not bad for playing
on the stairs - you were just being a naturally curious child. You did not fall
because you were bad. You were not left alone in the hospital because you
were bad. It had nothing to do with you being bad. Sometimes bad things
happen to everyone, but it doesn’t mean that they are bad. That is just part
of life. It was your mother’s job to keep you safe. Not your job as a 2-year
old.

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Margaret: Jennifer, you have a very frightened little girl inside who thinks
she is bad and needs love to know she is good and that she is not alone.
She keeps trying to get that love from others and gets furious when she
thinks they are not giving it to her. The rage is covering the awful feelings
of aloneness and helplessness, coming from your hospital experience, that
come up when you can’t get someone to love you. What your Inner Child
really needs is for you to go in that hospital room in your imagination and
pick her up and hold her, every time you feel angry. She needs your love
and compassion rather than your judgment when she is angry, blaming and
judgmental.

Jennifer: I think I can do that. I feel so much better right now.

Margaret: Now, ask Teresa if Mark loves you. (Step Four)

Jennifer: Teresa, I really want to know if Mark loves me or not...Oh, I see.

Oh, poor guy! (Finally able to have some compassion for Mark. Note that
all compassion had vanished when the wounded self was in charge of the
feelings and behavior.) He really loves me. He is suffering when I get so
angry. He’s pulling away from me but not because he doesn’t love me. He
just doesn’t know what else to do.

Margaret: Do you love him?

Jennifer: I do. He is a wonderful man. But I can see that I’m not loving him
when I’m blaming him and yelling at him.

Margaret: You are able to feel love and compassion for Mark right now, but
as soon as you feel alone and frightened and helpless, your compassion
leaves and you just feel angry. It will be hard for you to maintain your
compassion for Mark until you develop compassion for the wounded child
within you. Would you be willing to imagine your wounded little child in that
hospital bed, every time you feel angry, and go and pick her up before you
start to rage? This will be a challenge, since you are so addicted to the anger
and it happens so fast. Maybe you could try just holding your doll for

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about ten minutes every day, imagining it is you as a frightened little child.
(Step Five)

Jennifer: I really want to do that. I feel happy inside holding her. I’m going to
practice this.

END

One of the characteristics of the wounded self is narcissism, the “taker”

position - wanting others to be responsible for one’s feelings and needs
and having no compassion for others’ feelings and needs. A wounded self,
operating from narcissistic rage coming from the abandonment wound,
does not care about the effects of the rage on others. At that moment, he or
she cares only about getting someone to take away the pain.

As Jennifer worked with Inner Bonding, she could see that, as her wounded
self, she was always trying to get love from Mark and others, and had never
been desirous of giving love. Her controlling behavior perpetuated her core
shame belief that she was bad. Once she shifted her intent from trying to
control to wanting to learn and love, she started to like herself. Each time
she was able to offer love to her two-year old wounded child, healing
occurred. Each time she offered love to Mark, her mother, her friends and
her children, she felt joy, which further healed her core shame.

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 Common Challenges and FAQ

What To Do If You Get Stuck in Any of the Steps

Stuck at Step 1: The willingness to be mindful of and take responsibility for

your feelings.

You may be stuck because:

1. You are out of touch with your feelings or cannot feel your feelings
because they are locked into the musculature of your body, or you might
have dissociated from your feelings due to past trauma. When this is the
case, you may need to have some bodywork, or seek other professional
help for trauma.

2. You have one or more false beliefs about pain and about taking
responsibility for it. When this is the case, review the false beliefs of
feeling and taking responsibility for your feelings (See the chapter on
Step One).

3. You are stuck feeling like a victim. You have not decided that you are
willing to feel your feelings in order to learn the lessons they are here to
teach you. If you are in pain and you just want to make the pain go away,
you will go right into addictive behavior instead of moving into the intent
to learn about what you may be doing or thinking that is causing your ego
wounded pain, or embracing your core pain.

4. You are unwilling to feel your core feelings of loneliness, heartache,

heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, grief, or helplessness regarding others.
When this is the case, you will try to control in whatever ways you have
learned, rather than open to learning.

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1. Controlling how people feel about you is more important than learning.
When this is the case, you might have become very attached to your
core shame as a way to maintain your belief that others’ behavior is your
fault—that you cause others to do what they do. When controlling others’
feelings is more important than learning and loving, then you are likely
addicted to keeping your belief in your core shame as your protection
against helplessness concerning others’ feelings and behavior.

2. You need mothering. It may be too frightening to open to your feelings

unless you are being held with unconditional love. This is especially
true if you had an abusive childhood, and if this is the case, you need
professional help.

3. You are overwhelmed by your feelings. If this is the case, take a break
and come back to Step One later or a different day, or seek professional
help.

Stuck at Step 2: Move into the intent to learn and open to your Spiritual
Guidance.

You may be stuck because:

1. You might be having difficulty opening your heart to your Guidance.

Surrender is a very challenging choice since the wounded self is deeply
devoted to controlling everything.

2. You are open to learning, but what you really want is for someone else
to learn. In our wounded state, we can be very tricky in fooling ourselves
regarding our intent. Over and over I experience clients saying they are
open to learning when what they really want is to be seen, heard, listened
to, acknowledged, attended to, understood, approved of and loved by
another.

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1. You need to be held and nurtured by someone who knows how
to connect with Spirit and bring through unconditional love to you.
Sometimes, until you have the experience of unconditional love, you may
be too afraid to open, fearing that there will be nothing there to nurture
you and sustain you.

2. You cannot get past blame.

Stuck at Step 3: Dialoguing with your wounded self and Core Self

You may be stuck because:

1. Your Inner Child doesn’t trust that you will be there on a consistent
basis and that you really want to know about and take responsibility for
whatever he or she is feeling. The most common complaints I hear are
“My Child won’t talk to me.” and “I don’t hear anything inside.” Imagine
that you have adopted an abandoned child - a child that perhaps has
been in foster homes or an orphanage and has not had love. What would
you need to do to gain this child’s trust? Whatever you would need to
do - such as being consistent, being accepting, following through on
promises, setting loving boundaries - is what you need to do for your own
Inner Child.

2. Once your Child trusts that you are listening and will follow through with
loving action, he or she will communicate with you. For now, accept the
silence with love. Keep imagining embracing this silent Child until he or
she feels safe enough to let you in. Remember, your Inner Child is your
feeling self, and will not open unless he or she feels safe to open.

3. Some very difficult memories are coming up and your Child wants you to
seek professional help before telling you about abuse. The Child is wise
and will often not tell you about abuse memories until he or she knows
you have created a safe situation in which to deal with them.

4. You have failed to follow through with loving action so your Child feels

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1. there is no point in telling you anything. If you follow through on taking
action regarding what your Child is needing from you, your Child will
speak with you again.

2. You’re listening for words, but not paying attention to the feelings.
Sometimes your Inner Child prefers to communicate with you through
feelings.

Stuck at Step 4: Dialoguing with your Spiritual Guidance to determine your

loving action.

For many people, this is a very challenging step. Most of us have been
taught to ignore our own inner Guidance. We have learned to distrust the
images, feelings and words that come from our Guidance.

It takes time and practice to hear and trust your Guidance. Be assured that
your Guidance is communicating with you. Pay attention to the very soft
voice within, as well as to subtle images and feelings. As you start noticing,
listening and following its direction, you will learn to trust it.

People often ask, “How do I know it is the voice of my Guidance? How do I

know it is not my own self just making this up? How do I know it is not some
evil spirit talking to me?” The voice of Guidance always comes from love,
while the voice of your wounded self comes from fear. When the voice you
hear causes anxiety and fear, it is not the voice of Guidance. The voice
of Guidance does not cause fear, nor does it speak in a panicked voice.
The voice of Guidance speaks in a neutral and loving voice, offering the
guidance you need to take loving care of yourself. Your Guidance always
supports your highest good.

Stuck at Step Five: Taking the loving action.

Many people get stuck here because sometimes taking the loving action is
very challenging. Yet, if you do not take loving action, your Inner Child may
stop trusting you and talking to you. If you know what action you need to

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take and you are not taking it, you need to go back to Steps Three and Four,
exploring the fears and false beliefs that are in the way of taking the loving
action, and opening to Guidance to bring through the truth about these
fears and beliefs.

Sometimes people have performance anxiety regarding taking action. If

you have attached your worth to your performance, your intense anxiety
about failure may lead to procrastination or even paralysis.

Worth → Performance → Anxiety → Procrastination → Paralysis

When this is the case, you need to work on defining your intrinsic worth.
You need to work with your Spiritual Guidance on seeing and defining your
your Core Self.

Other Challenges

“I don’t have time”

Doing the Six Step Inner Bonding process takes less time than what you’re
already spending trying to protect, control, resist or avoid your painful
feelings. Think of all the time / energy / money you’ve wasted this week:

• Watching TV or scrolling through social media when you had

creative, productive things you wanted to be doing instead.
• Eating things you shouldn’t, so now you’re looking for the next diet or
spending money on healthcare that could have been avoided if you
had healthier habits.
• Arguing with a loved one or complaining to a friend about a loved
one.

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 • Procrastinating because you are too tired or stressed to be creative
or productive as you want to be at home or at work. Why? because
you’re losing sleep thinking about issues that bring up anxiety, letting
others affect your mood, or not taking care of yourself with diet and
exercise.

“It’s too hard.”

It’s too hard for the wounded self or a 5-year-old, but not too hard for an
otherwise healthy adult. However, if you are feeling overwhelmed or you
have a history of abuse, please seek professional help.

“I don’t know how to take care of myself.”

Of course you don’t know how, that’s why you bought this book. You didn’t
learn how to care for yourself from your parents, the media, or school. As
long as you’re open to learning, and are willing to listen to your Spiritual
Guidance, your Guidance will show you how. This is meant to be a self-help
process. You can always seek more help if needed, however.

Frequently Asked Questions

Isn’t focusing on loving action toward yourself, or taking loving care of

yourself being selfish?

No. Selfishness is when you expect other people to give themselves up for
you, or when you expect other people to give up what’s right for them. Also,
being selfish means not caring about the effect your behavior has on others.
When you work on becoming whole and happy, so that your behavior is
more kind, compassionate and less fraught with drama, you are being loving
to yourself and to others.

If someone accuses you of being selfish or self-indulgent when you do the

work of Inner Bonding, they are projecting their own selfishness onto you.

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How long will it take before I start to feel better using Inner Bonding?

You can start to feel better as soon as you engage the six steps. However,
don’t expect you’ll be “healed” right away. This is a lifelong process. If you
want to learn to play the violin, you don’t ask how long will it take. You know
that to play well and keep playing well, you’re going to keep practicing your
entire life. The wounded self contains the anxiety of “how long will it take”.
If you feel yourself growing impatient, dialogue with your wounded self
and your spiritual Guidance (Steps 3 & 4) to learn where that impatience
is coming from and what loving action you need to take on behalf of your
Inner Child.

How can I avoid making the kinds of mistakes with my own children that
my parents or caregivers made?

I wish every person would do inner bonding before they had kids. That’s
because half of good parenting is being there for your kids, but the other
part is being there for yourself. I would have given anything if my mother
made herself happy. It’s a huge emotional burden on a child if you aren’t
happy. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to show them what it’s like
when you are being loving to yourself by being a Loving Adult to your
Inner Child. You can greatly influence your children in this way, because
children learn how to treat themselves by observing how their parents treat
themselves and others.

If I’m anxious, depressed or angry, does it ALWAYS mean I’m self-

abandoning? Can’t it mean that someone is being toxic, or bullying, or
unloving toward me?

You can’t control what other people do or how they feel. You can only
control what you do or feel.

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Someone may say or do unkind things or even be abusive to you, but when
you make another person responsible for how you are feeling, you are self-
abandoning. If you are being loving to yourself, you will set appropriate
boundaries with abusive or toxic people and not allow them to influence
your emotions in such a negative way. You will take loving action and do
what is necessary to be kind to yourself, regardless of another’s behavior.
You will begin to see that their behavior is more of a reflection of their self-
abandonment, rather than a reflection of your worth.

What if I don’t want to be around someone, but I feel guilty about cutting
them out of my life?

You have every right to take care of yourself. If that means losing someone
or something in order to keep from losing yourself, that’s what needs to
happen. Yes, others might get mad. Others are used to getting their way.
None of that is loving toward you. When you do what’s in the highest good
for you, it’s in the highest good for all.

What does it mean to love yourself?

Loving yourself means that you learn to value who you are in your essence.
It’s also a process of connecting to your Spiritual Guidance to really see your
essence.

Basic to loving ourselves is seeing our whole selves. Most people only see
their wounded self, because they have inner dialogue such as, I’m not worth
loving. Think back to when you were a small child. Is there anything about
you then that wasn’t worthy of loving? When you see yourself as a whole
self, you see yourself as that child—lovable, valuable, worthy of kindness.

Loving ourselves also means that we are devoted to learning who we are,
and taking responsibility to making ourselves happy by managing our pain
with love and compassion. It means speaking up for ourselves. It means
listening to what gives us joy, and taking action to manifest what we want in
the world.

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Loving yourself is not self-indulgence. It’s not buying yourself an ice cream
sundae because you’ve had a hard day. Think of what a child needs to feel
loved: being seen, being listened to, being acknowledged for the lovable
person they are. When a child tells us they don’t want to go to school, we
don’t shame them. We intend to learn what’s really happening that they
don’t want to go to school. Are they sick? Being bullied? In the same way,
approaching our painful feelings with an intent to learn is being loving to
ourselves.

How can you tell the difference between whether what you’re feeling
stems from self-abandonment, or from altered or deficient serotonin, or
hormonal fluctuations, such as PMS?

It’s best to approach mental health in a holistic way—emotionally, spiritually

and physically. From a physical standpoint, junk foods alter your gut
microbiome, which creates toxicity in the brain. You might go to the doctor
and get prescribed antidepressants or other drugs, which can exacerbate
the situation further. If you don’t get enough exercise or time in nature, that
can also negatively affect your brain chemistry.

This is what I mean when I say that mental health is physical, emotional and
spiritual. What you ingest, how you take care of your body, what you think,
and how you feel are connected. We’re not separate. We’re not different
parts.

In the sense that we turn to addictive, unhealthy behavior and junk food
when we’re avoiding painful feelings means that inner conflicts and difficult
emotions are the result of self-abandonment.

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 Conclusion

Becoming a whole, integrated person by being a Loving Adult to your Inner

Child is the key to a joyful, love-filled, productive life.

When you heal the source of your painful feelings and relational conflict
through Inner Bonding, you can enjoy an increased level of personal power,
self-worth and inner-peace. Rather than feeling victimized by others’
behavior, you will take responsibility for your feelings and behavior, and you
will no longer feel personally responsible for the feelings and behaviors of
others.

You will trust yourself, and feel more generosity and compassion toward
yourself and others. You’ll act with integrity to honor what you need in order
to feel safe, respected and loved. In other words, you’ll be able to stand up
for yourself, and speak openly and directly about what you need in order to
take loving care of yourself.

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You will no longer worry about how others perceive you or feel about you.
Their approval or disapproval of you will be irrelevant, because you will know
your worth. You will be filled with love for yourself, and you’ll naturally want
to share that love with others, which brings great joy and fulfillment. You
won’t need to work so hard, or contort yourself in order to get love, because
you’ll have an abundance of love from within yourself, for yourself.

You will no longer take things personally when someone says or does
something thoughtless or unkind. You’ll stop criticizing others and blaming
them for your painful feelings. Instead, you’ll see the real source of your
painful feelings, and be able to turn to your Higher Guidance to know what
you need to do in order to be loving to yourself, regardless of what anyone
else does or doesn’t do. You’ll have the courage to set clear boundaries for
what you are or aren’t willing to tolerate in the face of their unloving actions.

These are the benefits you can expect when you practice the six steps
consistently and often. But you won’t get there overnight. This isn’t a
quick-fix or a one-time process. It is a lifelong practice, just like playing an
instrument or speaking a foreign language. Your circumstances will change,
you will encounter new and unpleasant feelings, or you’ll meet people who
will challenge you. There will always be an opportunity to practice Inner
Bonding. The more you work with the six steps, the easier it will be for you
to get back that sense of contentment and peace that comes from being a
whole, integrated person. In other words, you’ll be thriving at last.

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