Quiet

The Power of Introverts in a World that

Can’t Stop Talking
~By Susan Cain
Introduction
 If you’re an introvert, you also know that the bias against quiet
can cause deep psychic pain. As a child you might have over-
heard your parents apologize for your shyness. Now that
you’re an adult you might still feel a pang of guilt when you de-
cline a dinner invitation in favor of a good book. Or maybe you
like to eat alone in restaurants and could do without pitying
looks from fellow diners. Or you’re in your head too much; a
phase that’s often deployed against the quiet & cerebral.
 Of course there’s another word for such people: Thinkers. To-
day’s psychologists agree that introverts & extroverts differ in
the level outside stimulation that they need to function well. In-
troverts feel “just right” with less stimulation, as when they sip
wine with close friends, or need a book. Extroverts enjoy the
extra bang that comes from activities like meeting new people
etc.
 Extroverts tend to tackle assignments quickly. They make fast
(sometimes rash) decisions, & are comfortable at multi-tasking
& risk-taking. Introverts often work slowly & deliberately. They
like to focus on one task at a time & can have mighty powers of
concertation.
 Introverts, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and
business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in
their pajamas. They listen more than talk, think before they
speak, & often feel as if they express themselves better in writ-
ing.
 Introverts are not shy. Shyness is the fear of social disapproval
or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environ-
ments that are not overstimulating. Introversion & Extrover-
sion interact with our other personality traits and personal his-
tories, producing wildly different kinds of people.
 “There is no such thing as a pure extrovert or a pure introvert.
Such a man would be in the lunatic asylum”.

Part One
The Extrovert Ideal
Chapter – 1
How Extroverts Became the Cultural
Ideal
Well – meaning parents of the mid-century agreed that quiet
was unacceptable and gregariousness ideal for both girls &
boy. They sent their kids to school at increasingly young ages,
when the main assignment was learning to socialize. Intro-
verted children were often singled out as problem cases (a situ-
ation familiar to anyone with an introverted child today).
Parents caught up in this value system were not unkind, or
even obtuse; they were only preparing their kids for the “real
world”.

Chapter – 2
The Myth of Charismatic Leadership
The culture of Personalities, a Hundred
Years Later
 Salesmanship governs even the most neutral interactions. It
implies that every encounter is a high-stake game in which we
win or lose the other person’s favor. It urges us to meet social
fear in as extroverted a manner as possible. We must be vi-
brant and confident, we must not seem hesitant, and we must
smile so that our interlocutors will smile upon us. Taking these
steps will make us feel good and the better we feel, the better
we can sell ourselves.
 Such skills mentioned above, strikes me as having a “hyper-
thymic” temperament- a kind of extroversion-on-steroids char-
 acterized, in other words of one psychiatrist, by ‘exuberant,
cap beat, over energetic, and overconfident lifelong traits that
have been recognized as an asset in business, especially sales.
But what if you admire the hyperthymic among us, but also like
your calm and thoughtful self? “You don’t have to be an extro-
vert to feel alive”.
 The implication is that we can all get over whatever’s keeping
us down, that ever introverts can learn to walk on coals while
betting out a lusty ‘Yes’.
 Nowadays we tend to think that becoming more extroverted
not only makes us more successful, but also makes us better
people. If you don’t have all the facts-and often you won’t-
should you wait to act until you’ve collected as much as data as
possible? Or, by hesitating, do you risk losing other’s trust and
your own momentum? The answer isn’t obvious.
 If you speak firmly on the basis of bad information, you can
lead you people into disaster. But if you exude uncertainty then
moral suffers, founders won’t invest, and your organization can
collapse. Yet even at Harvard Business School there are signs
that something might be wrong with a leadership style that val-
ues quick and assertive answer over quiet, slow decision-mak-
ing.
 Winner’s Cruse- A common phenomenon in which two compa-
nies bid competitively to acquire a third, until the price climbs
so high that it becomes less an economic activity than a war of
egos. The winning bidders will be damned if they’ll let their op-
ponents get the prize, so they buy the target company at an in-
flated prices.
 Usually it is said that they were carried away by the situation,
but that’s not right. Usually they’re carried away by people
who are assertive and domineering. If we assume that quiet
and loud people have roughly the same numbers of good & bad
ideas, then we should worry if the louder and more forceful
people always carry the day. This would mean that an awful lot
of ideas prevail while good ones get squashed.
 We perceive talkers as smarter than quite types-even though
grade- point averages and SAT & intelligent test scores reveal
this perception to be inaccurate. The ‘Bus to Abilene’ anecdote
reveals our tendency to follow those who initiate action-any ac-
tion. We are similarly inclined to empower dynamic speakers.
 There are people who are put in positions of authority because
they’re good talkers, but they don’t have good ideas. We put
too much of a premium on presenting not enough on critical
thinking.
 Exceptional CEO’s of the late 20th Century were known not for
their flash or charisma but for extreme humility coupled with
intense professional will. Those who worked with leaders de-
scribe them as: shy, reserved, quiet, humble, modest, and un-
derstated. We don’t need giant personalities to transform com-
panies. We need leaders who build not their own egos but the
institution they run.
 A theory suggest that extroverted leaders enhance group per-
formance when employees are passive, but that introverted
leaders are more effective with proactive employees.
 Introverts are uniquely good at listening initiative-takers. Be-
cause of their inclination to listen to others & lack in dominat-
ing social situations, introverts are more likely to hear and im-
plement suggestions. Having benefited from the talents of their
followers, they are then likely to motivate them to be even
more proactive.
 Extroverts on the other hand, can be so intent on pulling their
own stamp on events that they risk losing other’s good ideas
along the way and allowing workers to lapse into passivity.
 Religious leaders from Jesus to Buddha, as well as the lesser-
known saints, monks, prophets & etc., have always gone off
alone to experience the revelations they later shared with the
rest of us.

Chapter – 3
When Collaboration Kills Creativity

“I am a horse for a single harness, not cut out for tandem or

team work….for well I know that in order to attain any definite
goal, it is imperative that one person do the thinking and the
commanding.”
~ Al-
bert Einstein
 Artists work best alone where they can control an invention’s
design without a lot of other people designing it for marketing
or some other committee. I don’t believe anything really revo-
lutionary has been invented by committee.
 Steve Wozniak – “Work Alone. You’re going to be best able to
design revolutionary products & features if you’re working on
your own. Not on a committee. Not on a team.”
 One of the most interesting findings, was that the more cre-
ative people tended to be socially poised introverts. They were
interpersonally skilled but ‘not of an especially sociable or par-
ticipative temperament’. They describe themselves as indepen-
dent & individualistic. As teens, many had been shy & solitary.
 These findings don’t mean that introverts are always more cre-
ative than extroverts, but they do suggest that in a group of
people who have been extremely creative throughout their life-
times, you’re likely to find a lot of introverts.
 “Introverts prefer to work independently, and solitude can be a
catalyst to innovation.” Introversion, ‘concentrates the mind on
the tasks in hand, and prevents the dissipation of energy on so-
cial & sexual matters unrelated to work’. In other words, if
you’re in the background sitting under a tree while everyone
else is clinking glasses on the patio, you’re more likely to have
an apple fall on your head (Newton was a great introvert).
 The new Group thinking elevated teamwork above all else. It
insists that creativity and intellectual achievement come from a
gregarious place. New Group thinking is embraced by many
corporations, which increasingly organize workforces into
teams, a practice that gained popularity in the early 1990s. By
2000 an estimated half of all U.S organization used teams, &
today virtually all of them do.
 The new Group thinking is also practiced in our schools, via an
increasingly popular method of institution called ‘corporative’
or ‘small group’ learning. Even subjects like maths & creative
writing which would seem to depend on solo flights of thought,
are often taught as group projects.
 While extroverts tend to attain leadership in public domains,
introverts tend to attain leadership in theoretical & aesthetic
fields. Outstanding introverted leaders, who have created ei-
ther new fields of thought or rearranged existing knowledge,
have spent long periods of their lives in solitude.
 How do extraordinary achievers get to be so great at
what they do?

 It’s only when you’re alone that you can engage in Deliberate
Practice, which is the key to exceptional achievement. When
you practice deliberately, you identify the tasks or knowledge
that are just out of your reach, strive to upgrade your perfor-
mance, monitor your progress, and revise accordingly.
 Deliberate Practice takes intense concentration, requires deep
motivation (often self-generated), and most important, it in-
volves working on the task that’s most challenging to you per-
sonally.
 Steve Wozniak- “I acquire a central ability that was to help me
through my entire career: Patience.”
 Open- plan offices have been found to reduce productivity &
impair memory. They make people sick, hostile, unmotivated &
insecure. If personal space is vital to creativity, so is the free-
dom from “peer pressure”.
 Studies have shown that performance gets worse as group size
increases. ‘If you have talented and motivated people, they
should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or effi-
ciency is the highest priority.’
 Group Brainstorming electronically, when properly managed,
not only do better than individuals, research show’s; the larger
the group the better it performs. We fail to realize that partici-
pating in an online working group is a form of solitude all its
own. Group brainstorming makes people feel attached. A wor-
thy goal, so long as we understand that social glue, as opposed
to creativity, is the principal benefit.
 Group brainstorming is a failure because (1) social lofting: In a
group, some individuals tend to sit back & let others do the
work. (2) Production blocking: only one person can talk or pro-
duce an idea at once, while others are forced to sit passively.
(3) Evaluation apprehension: fear of looking stupid in front of
peers.
 Judgement runs much deeper and has more far-reaching impli-
cation. Peer pressure, is not only unpleasant, but can actually
change your view of a problem. That’s why we are prone to
conform. Groups are like mind-altering substances. But of
course, face-to-face interactions create trust & bonds in a way
that online interactions can’t.
 The way forward, is not to stop collaborating face-to-face, but
to refine the way we do it. The most effective teams are com-
posed of a healthy mind of introverts and extroverts.
 Corporative learning can be effective when practiced well and
in moderation- but also the time and training they need to de-
liberately practice on their own.
 Collaboration meant for Woznaik: the ability to share a donut
and a brainwave with his laid- back, nonjudgmental, poorly
dressed colleagues- who minded not a whit when he disap-
peared into his cubical to get the real work done.

Part Two
Your Biology, Yourself ?
Chapter – 4
Is Temperament Destiny?
 “Some people are more certain of everything than I am of any-
thing.”
~Robert Rubin, In an
Uncertain World
 Temperament refers to inborn, biologically based behavioral
and emotional patterns that are observable in infancy & child-
hood.
 Personality is the complex brew that emerges after cultural in-
fluence and personal experience are thrown into the mix. Some
say that temperament is the foundation, and personality is the
building.
 Public speaking phobia has many causes, including childhood
setbacks that have to do with our unique personal histories,
not inborn temperament. In fact. Public speaking anxiety may
be primal and quintessentially human, not limited to those of
us born with a high-reactive nervous system.
 The amygdala is located deep in the limbic system, an ancient
brain network found in primitive animals like mice & rats. This
network-sometimes called the ‘emotional brain’ – underlines
many of the basic instincts we share with these animals, such
as appetite, sex drive and fear. One of its functions is to in-
stantly detect newer threatening things in the environment and
send rapid-fire signals through the body that triggers that
fight-or-flight response. So, when the Frisbee looks like it’s
 headed straight for your nose, it’s your amygdala that tells you
to duck.
 Studies show that introversion-extroversion is only 40 to 50
percent heritable. This means that, in a group of people, on av-
erage half of the variability in introversion-extroversion is
caused by genetic factors. Maybe the mystery of what percent
of personality is nature and what percent is nurture is less im-
portant than the question of how your inborn temperament in-
teracts with the environment and with your own free will. To
what degree is temperament destiny?
 On the other hand, according to the theory of gene-environ-
ment interaction, people who inherit certain traits tend to seek
out life experiences that reinforce those characteristics.
 The most low-reactive kids for example, count danger from the
time they’re toddlers, so that the time they grow up they don’t
bat an eye at grown-up-sized risks. Conversely, high-reactive
children may be more likely to develop into artists, writers, sci-
entist, and thinkers because their aversion to novelty causes
them to spend time own heads. Lykken has controversially
called psychopaths and heroes ‘Twigs on the same genetic
branch’.
 On the other hand, there is also a wide range of possible out-
comes for each temperament. Low-reactive, extroverted chil-
dren, if raised by alternative families in safe environment, can
grow up to be energetic achievers with big personalities. But
give those same children negligent caregivers or a bad neigh-
borhood, say some psychologists, and they can turn into bul-
lies, juvenile delinquents, or criminals.
 A gene known as the serotonin-transporter gene, helps to regu-
late the processing of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that af-
fects mood. We want freedom to map our own destinies. In ad-
dition to our inborn temperaments, beyond the luck of the
draw of our childhood experience, we want to believe that we-
as adults-can shape ourselves and make what we will of our
lives.
Chapter – 5
Beyond Temperament
 Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anx-
iety when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s
capacity to act.
 Schwartz’s research suggests something important: we can
stretch our personalities, but only up to a point. Our inborn
temperaments influence us, regardless of the lives we lead. A
sizable part of who we are is ordained by our genes, by our
brains, by our nervous system. And yet the elasticity that
Schwartz found in some of the high-reactive teens also suggest
the converse: we have free will and can use it to shape our per-
sonalities. These seem like contradictory principals, but they
are not.
 Free will can take us far, suggests Dr. Schwartz’s research, but
it cannot carry us infinitely beyond our genetic limits. But
gates is never going to be Bill Clinton, no matter how he pol-
ishes his social skills, and Bill Clinton can never be Bill gates,
no matter how much time he spends alone with a computer.
 Even though we can reach for the outer limits of our tempera-
ments it can often be better to situate ourselves squarely in-
side our comfort zones.
 Beginning in the late 1960’s, an influential research psycholo-
gist named Hans Eysenck hypothesized that human being seek
‘just right’ levels of simulation-not too much and not too little
stimulation is the amount of input we have coming in from the
outside world, it can take any number of forms, from noise to
social life to flashing lights.
 Eysenck believed that extroverts prefer more stimulation than
introverts do, and that this explained many of their differences:
introverts enjoy shutting the doors to their offices and plugging
into their work, while extroverts function best when engaged
in higher-wattage activities like chairing meetings, etc.
 Eysenck also thought that the basis of these differences might
be found in a brain structure called the ascending reticular ac-
tivating system (ARAS). The ARAS is a part of the brain stem
that has connections leading up to the cerebral cortex and
other parts of the brain.
 Once you understand introversion & extroversion as prefer-
ences for certain levels of stimulation, you can begin con-
sciously trying to situate yourself in environments favorable to
your own personality- neither overstimulating nor under stimu-
lating, neither boring nor anxiety-making. Your sweet spot is
 the place where you’re optimally stimulated. Understanding
your sweet spot can increase your satisfaction in every area of
your life, but it goes even further than that.
 Often used as a way to conquer phobias, desensitization in-
volves exposing yourself (& your amygdala) to the thing you’re
afraid of over and over again, in manageable doses. This is
very different from the well-meaning but unhelpful advice that
you should just jump in at the deep end & try to swim-an ap-
proach that might work, but more likely will produce panic,
further encoding in your brain a cycle of dread, fear & shame.
This is no one more courageous than the person who speaks
with the courage of his convictions.
Chapter – 6
Why Cool Is Overrated
A shy man no doubt dreads the notice of strangers, but can
hardly be said to be afraid of them. He may be as bold as a
hero in battle, and yet have no self-confidence about trifles in
the presence of strangers.

~Charles Darwin

 Scientists can easily report on the behavior of extroverts, who

can often be found laughing, talking. But “If a person is stand-
ing in the corner of a room, you can attribute about fifteen mo-
tivations to that person. But you don’t really know what’s going
on inside”. Yet inner behavior was still a behavior, even if it
was difficult to catalog.
 The highly sensitive (introverts) tend to be philosophical or
spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedo-
nistic. They dislike small talk. They often describe themselves
as creative or intuitive. They dream vividly & can often recall
their dreams next day. They love music, nature, art & physical
beauty. They feel exceptionally strong emotions-sometimes
acute bouts of joy, but also sorrow, melancholy & fear.
 Highly sensitive people also process information about their
environments- both physical & emotional-usually deeply. High
reactive introverts sweat more; low-reactive extroverts sweat
less. Their skin is literally ‘thicker’, more impervious to stimuli,
cooler to the touch.
 When you go to a football game and someone offers you a beer,
says the personality psychologists Brian Little, “They’re really
saying hi, have a glass of extroversion”. Because it is impossi-
ble to control blush intentionally, blushing is an authentic sign
of embarrassment. And embarrassment is a moral emotion. It
shows humility, modesty and a desire to avoid aggression and
make peace. Embarrassment reveals how much the individual
cares about the rules that bind us to one another.
 Extroverts exercise more, but introverts suffer fewer accidents
and traumatic injuries. Extroverts enjoy wider networks of so-
cial support, but commit more crimes (none of this is 100%
true).
Chapter – 7
Why did Wall Street Crash & Warren
Buffett Prosper?
 A reward-sensitive person is highly motivated to seek rewards-
from a promotion to a lottery jackpot to an enjoyable evening
out with friends. Reward sensitivity motivates us to pursue
goals like sex & money, social status and influence. It prompts
us to climb ladders and reach for faraway branches in order to
gather life’s choices fruits. But reward sensitivity on overdrive
gets people into all kinds of trouble.
 We get so excited by the prospect of juicy prizes, like winning
big in the stock market, that we take outsized risks and ignore
obvious warning signals. Behavioral economists have long ob-
served that executives buying companies can get so excited
about beating out their competitors that they ignore signs that
they’re over paying. This happens so frequently that it has a
name: ‘deal fever’ and ‘the winner’s curse’.
 Extroverts are more likely to be highly reward-sensitive, while
the introverts are more likely to pay attention to warning sig-
nals. Extroverts often find themselves in an emotional state we
might call “buzz” – a rush of energized, enthusiastic feelings.
This is a sensation we all know and like, but not necessarily to
the same degree: Extroverts seems to get an extra buzz from
attainment of their goals.
 Dopamine is the ‘reward chemical’ released in response to an-
ticipated pleasures. The higher the level of dopamine you have
 available to release, some scientists believe, the more likely
you are to go after rewards like sex, chocolate, money and sta-
tus. Cocaine & heroin, which stimulate dopamine – releasing
neurons in humans, make people euphoric.
 Introverts also seem to be better than extroverts at delaying
gratification. Introverts are ‘geared to inspect’ and extroverts
are ‘geared to respond’. Introverts tend to compare ne infor-
mation with their expectations. And on many kinds of tasks,
particularly those performed under time or social pressure or
involving multitasking extroverts do better.
 Extroverts seem to allocate most of their cognitive capacity to
the goal at hand, while introverts use up capacity by monitor-
ing how the task is going. Introverts think before they act, di-
gest information thoroughly, stay on task longer, give up less
easily, and work more accurately.
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s that I stay with problems
longer.”

~Albert Einstein
 If you’re an introvert, find your flow by using your gifts. You
have the power of persistence, the tenacity to solve complex
problems, & the clear- sightedness to avoid pitfalls that trip
others up. You may be so busy trying to appear like a zestful,
reward- sensitive extrovert that you undervalue you own tal-
ents, or feel underestimated by those around you. So stay true
to your nature.

Part Three
Do all Cultures have an Extrovert Ideal?
Chapter – 8
Soft Power
Those who knows do not speak. Those who speak do not
know.

~Lao ZI
 Talk is for communicating need-to-know information; quiet &
introspection are signs of deep thought & higher truth. Words
are potentially dangerous weapons that reveal things better
left unsaid.
  Westerners value boldness & verbal skill, traits that promote
individuality, while Asians prize quiet, humility & sensitivity,
which foster group cohesion.
 Though Eastern relationship- honoring is admirable & beautiful
so is the Western respect for individual freedom, self-expres-
sion and personal destiny. The point is not that one is superior
to the other, but that a profound difference in cultural values
has a powerful impact on the personality styles favored by each
culture.
 In Silicon Valley, you can be the smartest, most capable per-
son, but if you can’t express yourself aside from showing your
work, you’ll be underappreciated. Many foreign- born profes-
sionals experience this; you’re a glorified laborer instead of a
leader.
 There’s often a subtle way to get what you want. It’s not al-
ways aggressive, but it can be very determined and very skill-
ful. In the end, much is achieved because of it. Aggressive
power beats you up; soft power wins you over. Soft power was
wielded by people we’ve admired throughout history; Mother
Teresa, the Buddha, Gandhi.
 Gandhi was, according to his autobiography, a constitutionally
shy & quiet man. To be ‘passive’, according to the West means
to be ‘submissive’. Gandhi himself ultimately rejected the
phrase ‘passive resistance’ which he associated with weakness,
preferring Satyagraha, the term he coined to mean ‘firmness in
pursuit of truth’. Satyagraha meant focusing on an ultimate
goal & refusing to divert energy to unnecessary skirmishes
along the way. Excellent students seems not only to possess
the cognitive ability to solve math & science problems, but also
to have a useful personality characteristics: quiet persistence.

Part Four
How to love, How to work
Chapter – 9
When should you act more extroverted
than you really are?
“A man has a many social selves as there are distinct groups of per-
sons about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different
side of himself to each of these different groups.”
~ William James

 Professor Little believes that personality traits exist, that they

shape our lives in profound ways, that they’re based on physio-
logical mechanisms, and that they are relatively stable across a
lifespan. Those who take this views stand on broad shoulders.
 On the other side of the debate are a group of psychologists
known as the Situationists. Situationism posits that our general-
izations about people, inclining the words we use to describe one
another- shy, aggressive, conscientious, agreeable- are mislead-
ing. There is no core self.
 According to Free Trait Theory of Prof. Little, we are born and
culturally endowed with certain personality traits- introversion
for example- but we can and act out of character in the services
of ‘core personal projects’.
 In other words, introvert are capable of acting like extroverts for
the sake of work they consider important, people they love, or
anything they value highly. Free Trait Theory applies in many
different contexts, but it’s especially relevant for introverts living
under the Extrovert Ideal. Our lives, are dramatically enhanced
when we’re involved in core personal projects that we consider
meaningful, manageable and not unduly stressful, and that are
supported by others.
 ‘Self-monitors’ are highly skilled at modifying their behavior to
the social demands of a situation. They look for cues to tell them
how to act. The highest self-monitors not only tend to be good at
producing the desired effect and emotion in a given social situa-
tion-they also experience less stress while doing so.
 The low self-monitors base their behavior on their own internal
compass. They are less sensitive to situational cues, like how
many anecdotes you’re expected to share at a dinner party, and
less interested in role-playing, even when they know what cues
are.
 It’s as if LSMs & HSMs play to different audiences. The free trait
strategy can be effective when used judiciously, but disastrous if
overdone. It can be tough for introverts who have spent so much
of their lives confirming to extroverted norms that by the time
they choose a career, it feels perfectly normal to ignore their
own preferences.
 There are 3 key steps to identify your own core personal
projects;
 (1) Think back to what you loved to do when you were a child. If
you wanted to be a fireman, what did a fireman mean to you? A
good man who rescued people in distress? A daredevil? Or simply
pleasure of operating a truck?
(2) Pay attention to the work you gravitate to.
(3) Pay attention to what you envy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion
but it tells the truth. You mostly envy those who have what you
desire.
 The best way to act out of character is to stay as true to yourself
as you possibly can – starting by creating as many ‘restorative
niche’ as possible in your daily life. ‘Restorative Niche’ is a term
for the place you so when you want to return to your true self. It
can be a physical place, or a temporal one, like the quiet breaks
you plan between sales call.
 This is final piece of the free trait theory. A Free Trait Agreement
acknowledges that we’ll each act out of character some of the
time – in exchange for being ourselves the rest of the time. It’s a
free trait agreement when a wife who wants to go out every Sat-
urday Night & a husband who wants to relax by the fore work
out a schedule: half the time we’ll go out, and half the time we’ll
stay home. People who suppress negative emotions tend to leak
those emotion later in unexpected ways.
Chapter – 10
The Communication Gap
How to talk to Members of the Opposite
Type
 Introverts are more likely to be someone with a select group of
close friends, who prefers “sincere & meaningful conversations
over wild parties”. Conversely, “extroverts seem to need people
as a forum to fill needs for social impact, just as a general needs
soldiers to fill his or her need to lead.”
 It can be hard for extroverts to understand how badly introverts
need to recharge at the end of a busy day. It’s also hard for intro-
verts to understand just how hurtful their silence can be. It can
also be hard for introverts & extroverts to understand each
other’s ways of resolving differences.
 Studies suggest that the introverts tend to be conflict – avoiders
while extroverts are ‘confrontive copers’. When people have com-
 patibility styles of conflict, a disagreement can be an occasion for
each partner to affirm the other’s point of view.
 Findings suggest that introverts like people they meet in friendly
contexts; extroverts prefer those they compete with. Introverts
may be hesitant to cause disharmony, but, like the passive snake,
they should be equally worried about encouraging vitriol from
their partners, and fighting back may not invite retaliation.
 For example: So what’s John’s secret for relating to his forceful
wife? He lets her know that her words were unacceptable, but he
also tries to listen to their meaning. “I try to tap my empathy”, he
says “I take her tone out of the equation. I take out the assault on
my senses, and I try to get to what she’s trying to say”.
 Studies actually found that introverts were better decoders than
extroverts. But these studies measured how well introverts ob-
serve social dynamics, not how well they participate in them.
Participating requires a kind of mental multitasking: the ability
to process a lot of short-term information at once without becom-
ing distracted or overly stressed. This is just the sort of brain
functioning that suited for extroverts.
 Research shows that introverts tend to focus on serious subjects
of conversation, while the extroverts chose light-hearted and
wider-ranging topics. Introversion discuss problems or conflicts
in their lives and tend to adopt the role of advisor, taking turns
wan selling each other on the problem at hand. They are able to
experience conversations in their own way, they make deep and
enjoyable connections with others.
Chapter – 11
How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World that
Can’t Hear Them
 “With anything young and tender the most important part of the
task is the beginning of it; for that is the time at which the char-
acter is being formed and the desired impression more readily
taken.”
~PLATO, The
Republic
 We should all look out for cobblers who might have been great
generals. Which means focusing on introverted children, whose
talents are too often stifled, whether at home, at school, or on
 playground. Parent need to step back from their own preferences
and see what the world looks like to their quiet children.

 Introverted parents can face challenges of their own. Sometimes

painful childhood can get in the way. But even parents who still
have work to do on their own self-esteem can be enormously
helpful to their kids. Advice form a parent who appreciates how a
child feels is inherently validating. You can also use your empa-
thy to help you judge when to encourage him to face his fears,
and when this would be too overwhelming.
 One of the best things you can do for an introverted child is to
work with him on his reaction to novelty. Remember that intro-
verts react not only to new people, but also to new places &
events. So don’t mistake your child’s caution in new situations
for an inability to relate to others. He’s recoiling form novelty or
overstimulation, not form human contact.
 They key is to expose your child gradually to new situations and
people- taking care to respect his limits, even when they seem
extreme. This produces more- confident kids than either overpro-
tection or pushing too hard. Let him know that his feelings are
normal & natural, but also that there’s nothing to be afraid of.
 Go at your child’s pace; don’t rush them. If he’s young, make the
initial introductions with the other little boys if you have to.
Slowly your child will see that it’s worth punching through her
wall of discomfort to get to the fun on the other side. She’ll learn
how to do the punching by herself.
 You can also teach your child simple social strategies to get him
through uncomfortable moments. Encourage him to look confi-
dent even if he’s not feeling it. Three simple reminders go along
way: smile, stand up straight, and make eye contact.
 The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of
their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared foe is sur-
viving the school day itself. The school environment can be
highly unnatural, especially from the perspective of an intro-
verted child who loves to work intensely on projects & hang out
with one or two friends at a time.
 Kids stop learning when they feel emotionally threatened. When
encouraging shy children to speak, it helps to make the topic so
compelling that they forget their inhibitions.
 If you find something that arouses your passion or provides a
welcome challenge, you forget yourself for a while. Experts be-
 lieve that negative public speaking experiences in childhood can
leave children with a lifelong terror of the podium.
 Urge your child to take the initiative, and claim for himself the
responsibility of note – taker, picture – drawer, or whatever role
interests him most.
 Ask your child for information in a gentle, non-judgmental way
with specific, clear questions. Instead of “how was your day?” try
“what did you do in math class today?”
 Those who live most fully realized lives-giving back to their fami-
lies, societies, and ultimately themselves- tend to find meaning in
their obstacles.

“Where we stumble is where our treasure lies”