anti-hero

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/42992547.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Category: M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationships: Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Characters: Regulus Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Sirius Black, Lily Evans
Potter, Pandora Lovegood, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter
Additional Tags: Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter),
Regulus Black-centric, Morally Grey Regulus Black, Horcrux Hunting,
First Wizarding War with Voldemort (Harry Potter), Not Canon
Compliant, Secret Relationship, Baby Harry, No Lily Evans Potter
Bashing, Regulus Black Lives, BAMF Regulus Black, Established Sirius
Black/Remus Lupin, Past Regulus Black/James Potter, James Potter
Lives, Lily Evans Potter Lives, Regulus Black & Remus Lupin
Friendship, they're platonic soulmates fr, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans
Potter, Endgame Regulus Black/James Potter, Internalized Homophobia,
Period-Typical Homophobia, I took great creative liberties in how the
wizarding world works, I mean does jk rowling know how it works?
probably not, so I can do what I WANT, Implied/Refrenced Suicide
Attempt, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Drug
Addiction, Graphic depiction of drug use, Drug Withdrawal, Bipolar
Disorder, Enemies to Lovers, kind of, more like enemies to lovers to
enemies to friends to lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Break
Up, implied Mary Macdonald/Lily Evans, i'd say if you squint but
actually don't because the mary/lily is tragic and sad i'm so sorry, Panic
Attacks, PTSD, Slow Burn, like slow slow burn, I’ll stress again SLOW
SLOW SLOW BURN BABY
Language: English
Series:
💕
Part 1 of anti-hero(and anti-hero adjacent)verse
Collections: Fics Adored and Loved , this is so me when i cry over the marauders,
Magnolia's Favourite Fics, h0m0sexual, my heart is here, Love these
stuff UwU, harry and his gay dads, Marauders, прочитано
Stats: Published: 2022-11-11 Completed: 2023-06-02 Words: 237,861
Chapters: 41/41
 anti-hero
by rweoutofthewoods

Summary

Regulus Black dies on a Tuesday.

Somewhere in the countryside of Italy, another man lives.

Notes
See the end of the work for notes

Translation into Português brasileiro available: Anti-Hero. by tsukiways

 Prologue
Chapter Notes

Warnings for this fic. Please read the tags too and be aware

-suicidal ideation
-depictions of mental illness
-drug addiction, graphic description of drug use
-minor character death
-graphic descriptions of violence

Please do not repost my work anywhere outside of ao3. Any podfics, translations
etc. are allowed but must stay on ao3, link back to the OG work, and have
permission first. Please do not put my work on Goodreads!

Prologue

Regulus Black died on a Tuesday in 1979.

The exact date was unimportant. There was no one to take note. No one left to mourn, at least
as far as Regulus was concerned.

What mattered was that it was a Tuesday, Regulus’s least favorite day of the week. On
Tuesdays, no one came to visit him, in fact, Tuesdays generally passed without a single word
spoken in the stillness of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

While company had been sparse in those days, still most, he heard some word. Pandora often
sent letters even though she no longer dared to visit. Sometimes she sent simple drawings or
rambling tales of creatures and inventions she was working on. When the letters arrived
Regulus would read her words aloud just to cut through the house's silence. On Tuesdays
however, Pandora always retreated to the countryside to do studies with her eccentric
boyfriend, so no letters came.

Other times throughout the week Barty and Evan would visit. They joked it was to check he
was still alive, they all pretended that’s what it was, just a joke. Tuesdays, however, were
their days on the rotation, they were sent to the Ministry. So no visits came.

Dorcas used to fire-call him on Tuesdays after he left school, before she could no longer deny
that he’d become a Death Eater. Not that it mattered, Regulus heard she was dead now.

He wished that it hurt. But Regulus Black was past something as trivial as hurt. No, whatever
that feeling was in his chest, it had long ago surpassed hurt. It felt like burning, like drowning
every second of every day.

Really, Regulus thought, as he penned the last thing he’d ever write to Albus Dumbledore of
all people—it was fitting that he’d die on the worst day of the week.

He wondered if Dorcas would forgive him in the afterlife. Probably not.

“You’re a coward,” Sirius’s voice hissed in his head, as it so often did.

“You don’t need to be a Gryffindor to be brave. You don’t need to be me or Sirius or anyone
else, you can be afraid and still be brave, Reg. Fear makes you human.”

Regulus didn’t know which voice stung more. He’d failed both, not once but time and time
again. He didn’t expect any forgiveness for his sacrifice. In fact, Regulus could clearly
imagine Sirius scoffing and saying: “It was about time he did at least one good thing.”

So, this was Regulus’s one good thing.

Regulus tried to be brave as he held the potion up to the cave’s dim light. He tried as he
swallowed the first mouthful. He did his best, even as it burned his throat, turning the blood
in his veins to ash. He knew he screamed, distantly he knew Kreacher was force-feeding him
the potion. He knew where he was.

But not really.

It all blended together.

Footsteps running down the hall, shadows painting his big brother’s face. Candles flickering
above the Slytherin table. The sharpness of his mother’s hand, the way her nails dug into his
arm. Screams, fighting, broken glass. Regulus was a coward, he did not come out from his
hiding spot in the pantry. Not even when Sirius begged, not when his mother lashed him yet
again. There was a smile, a hand, red cheeks, bright eyes. Tears.

Why are you doing this to me? How could you do this Regulus? Stop hurting me!

Regulus couldn’t breathe

I’m sorry.

I’m not.

Drowning was worse actually, than the feeling in his chest. Yes, drowning was much worse.

He wanted to breathe, but there was no oxygen left for him.

Somewhere on a Tuesday, in a cave off the coast, Regulus Black died.

Thousands of miles away, a fire was burning high in its grate. Warm and dry, Sirius Black
laughed as he sprawled out on his best mate’s sofa.

Sirius didn’t have any particular feelings about Tuesdays.

 Chapter One
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Chapter One

The Evans-Potter cottage

1982

James is different.

Sirius knows this because James is currently staring at the wall, eyes glazed over. Lily is at
the counter, chopping a banana for Harry who is waiting impatiently in his highchair,
clapping his hands with excitement.

Lily’s eyes dart to James. She says nothing. She never does, at least not when Sirius is
around. In fact, he’s certain that it’s become an unspoken agreement to never mention it.

“How’s Rem?” Lily asked as she sat down beside Harry, plate of bananas at the ready.

Sirius wasn't sure if this question was worse than discussing James’s mental state.

“He’s fine, the usual. Been cooped up a bit, doing research and stuff. I do think he’s been
feeling a little stir crazy though, threw himself headfirst into whatever assignment
Dumbledore has him working on.”
He didn’t mention that Remus had turned their living room into some strange manic research
board. That he’d been barely sleeping, too busy with his reading and pacing.

Remus was different too.

Sirius looked to James who was still silent, completely unaware of anything happening
around him. Contrasting types of different.

Lily shared a sympathetic look. “I get the feeling,” she said, and for a moment Sirius
wondered if he’d said the part about his slightly unstable significant other aloud. “Must be
nice to have something to work on, I envy him.” As she continued Sirius realized that no, it
was a different feeling she related to.

Though, if anyone dared to voice it she could surely relate to the unstable boyfriend part too.

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled in agreement. Harry smashed a piece of banana messily onto his
face.

“We should have you and Remus over for dinner sometime. It’s been far too long. What do
you think, James?” She nudged her boyfriend and he blinked slowly.

“Huh?”

“Dinner with Remus and Sirius?”

“Oh yeah, sounds nice.”

Sirius frowned. “Alright Prongs?”

“Yeah, course,” James stood. “I’m gonna go lie down actually, feeling a bit tired.”

Sirius and Lily watched James go. He would do that, space out sometimes, Sirius couldn’t
remember the first time he’d noticed it, but something had shifted. Sometimes James would
get even worse, like today. Sirius looked at his best friend and he could barely even recognize
him at times.

“Sorry about that,” Lily said with a frown. “Not the most exciting visit. Though hardly
anything is in a place like this.”

Sirius sighed. “It’s fine, better than paying my respects to my spineless little brother like
Remus wanted me to.”

Lily’s head jerked up ever so slightly. “Is that today? The anniversary of his death?”

“According to the deceitful obituary my parents put in The Prophet,” Sirius shrugged. “But
the death date could be made up, so who knows? The whole thing conveniently left out the
part where he was a piece of shit Death Eater.”

“Hm,” Lily rested her head in her hand. “You never found out what happened to him?”

“Frankly, I’d rather not know. Based on the lack of details in the obituary I’m sure it was
doing something or another for Voldemort, or maybe he got scared and wanted out. Either
way, he was a coward who got what was coming to him,” Sirius said breezily.

Lily looked like she wanted to say something, but Harry launched half of his bananas on the
floor screeching: “Banana!” happily, and Lily was quickly distracted.

Sirius looked up the stairs to where James had retreated minutes before, he wondered
distantly, how this had happened to them.
--

There was no sound as Sirius passed through the wards, pulling off his jacket and rubbing his
frozen hands together. He looked around at his empty kitchen and living room.

“Moony?”

Sirius frowned draping his jacket over a chair and stepping farther into the still house.

“Moony?” he called again.

“In the study!” a muffled voice replied.

Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief pulling off his boots and heading down the hall.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked looking down at Remus who was sitting on the floor,
five different books open around him, he was writing quickly, his sweeping handwriting
painting across a piece of parchment.

“You remember that research I was doing on wards that I sent Dumbledore?”

“Yeah.” Oh, did Sirius remember, it’d consumed Remus for the past month.

“Well apparently he thought it was good, he asked me to look into some stuff for him.”

“What stuff?”
“Merlin Sirius,” Remus looked up his eyes wide. “Completely insane stuff. Dark magic like
I’ve never seen it before.”

Sirius frowned; he’d never liked the way Dumbledore utilized Remus. he was brilliant and
deadly if he wanted to be, but above all, he was just Moony, and the old headmaster used him
like a weapon.

Sirius collapsed on the floor craving touch. He shifted, carefully avoiding the book to nudge
his head into Remus’s ribs.

Remus lifted his arm mindlessly, letting Sirius lay his head on his lap. Sirius was jostled
slightly as Moony wrote, his lip caught between his teeth. He let Sirius remain in his lap, but
he didn’t touch him or look down.

“Moony?” Sirius said after a long while of silence, his voice was barely above a whisper.

“Hm?”

“Can you look at me?”

Remus paused, quill stilling in his hand. “I’m working Sirius,” he said in slight disapproval.

“Please?”

Sirius wasn’t sure what it was that made Remus listen this time, but he dropped the quill
looking down at Sirius. His soft brown eyes were questioning, almost colorless in the dim
light of the study.

“I think you forget you love me sometimes,” Sirius said, his voice small.
“Pads…”

Sirius just shook his head sitting up and pushing himself away from Remus. “Never mind, go
back to your work,” he said quickly.

Sirius didn’t stay to find out if he did. Instead he stood and quickly left the room. He hid
himself away until it was time for bed, an aching pull in his chest. God, why couldn’t things
be like they used to?

When their bedroom door finally opened it was late. Sirius was nearly asleep when Remus
came in, the familiar sound of his nighttime routine both comforting and painful this
particular night.

Sirius listened to him, pretending to sleep when he saw the bathroom light shut off and felt
Remus get into bed beside him. But of course, he couldn’t fool Remus Lupin.

There was a light touch on his shoulder, Sirius didn’t react, determined to ignore whatever
conversation Remus wanted to have. Eventually his hand withdrew, and Sirius thought
maybe he’d succeeded until Remus started to speak.

“I don’t forget,” he whispered. “I could never forget. But I think, sometimes I do take you for
granted.” He paused for so long that Sirius thought he was done until he suddenly continued.
“If sixteen-year-old me could hear that, he’d be pissed with me. Fuck, I Remus Lupin, have
the incredible, unbelievable Sirius Black all to myself and I take him for granted? I’d beat
myself for that, I’m sure. It’s been a long time though, and sometimes I get so used to having
you I don’t even think of the fact that a world where I don’t could exist. But Sirius, I need
you to understand I never forget. I wake up every day so in love with you it might as well just
suffocate me... I- I don’t forget. And you can keep pretending to sleep if you want, you don’t
have to say anything I just needed you to know.”

Sirius considered his words for a long moment as Remus settled down beside him. Before he
could work himself up, Sirius turned over to face him. Remus’s reaction was immediate, his
arms were out pulling Sirius into his chest where he belonged. Sirius didn’t even realize he
was crying until he was wiping the tears from his face.
“Oh.” The breath that punched out of Remus as he too realized Sirius was crying, was
devastated. “Sirius. Oh, Pads, I’m sorry,” he whispered pressing his face into Sirius’s hair and
holding him even tighter.

“Everything’s so hard,” Sirius whispered tearfully. “James isn’t himself, him Lily and Harry
feel like they’re so far from us, my brother is dead, and in three years I never even considered
mourning him. My parents are dead too, somehow I am the last remaining Black!” he choked
on a watery laugh. “And then half the time I come home, and I feel like I’m living with your
ghost, Moony, like somehow I lost you too.”

By the shuddery breath Remus took, Sirius was pretty sure he was crying too. “You haven’t
lost me. Even when everything else is complete and totally lost, you’ll never rid yourself of
me.”

“I know, I know,” Sirius said quietly. “It’s just that everything is hard.”

--

James Potter did not falter.

It was a fact, an age-old known truth. Anyone you asked would tell you, “James? No, I’ve
never even seen him frown.”

Half of his life he didn’t have a reason to. James had everything. Loving parents, a
comfortable life, he wouldn’t have said he was lacking in anything. Eventually, however, he
would change his mind, or life would change it for him.

Sirius thought it started with his parents; he was wrong. James was almost glad for it, because
if the first big painful tragedy he ever faced was both of his parents dying suddenly and
violently, James thought it might have killed him.
No, it started before then, with a hand on a quidditch pitch. With James casting a bright
smile, because the thought of doing anything else at the time was unthinkable. Sometimes he
wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t, if instead he’d scoffed the way Sirius no
doubt would have.

That was the first big unimaginable pain James ever felt, and unfortunately, not the worst.

It never really stopped after that, James often wondered how it was even possible to lose the
same person over and over. Yet, somehow he did it. He woke up every morning from
nightmares, gasping with tears in his eyes. He always thought it’d get better, but after the first
year, he stopped believing that.

There was no better… but easier? Maybe one day. He hoped for it. Once all of the memories
had faded and he could forget the exact shape of his hands and the way his hair curled at his
neck. Maybe then it’d be easier. But better? No, never.

“Sirius seemed down,” Lily told him as James mindlessly prepared Harry for bed, going
through the motions he knew well by now.

“Everyone’s down these days, it’s war,” James shrugged.

“Yeah, but I think he and Remus are having issues.”

“They always have, that’s just them.”

She sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t brush these things off, James.”

“I’m not ‘brushing it off’ Lily, it’s just the way things are. There’s nothing I can do about
their relationship issues or much of anything, really.”
She paused, clearly not wanting to argue. “You used to be an optimist, you know,” she said
finally, her voice quiet.

“That was before.”

Before what exactly, he didn’t specify. Lily could take her pick. Before his parents, before
they’d in most senses, lost the war. Before he woke up every day with a name on his tongue
he would probably never speak again. Before every day ached in his bones, something cold
and unlivable. Before half their friends had died, or in Mary’s case skipped off to America
never to be heard from again. She probably had the right idea. James considered it
sometimes, what might have happened if he’d run off at sixteen and never looked back,
maybe they would have been better for it.

He hoped Mary was well. That she was somewhere exciting like New York or California with
a hot boyfriend and an easy life. He hoped she never felt guilty for running. James hoped that
if he’d had the guts to do it, no one would have blamed him either.

The Black-Lupin House

1982

“Can I ask you something?”

Sirius looked up from his tea. “Why are you asking me if you can?” He said suspiciously.
“Normally you just ask…”

“Well, yes,” Remus replied, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it’s a question that might not
be well received,” he admitted.
“Well, go ahead then,” Sirius sighed. “At least you’re aware of it.”

Remus took a deep breath. “I wanted to know if you’d take me to your old house?”

Sirius froze. “You mean Grimmauld Place?”

“Uh yes… see that research I’m doing, well, I don’t have access to many in-depth books on
dark magic and I thought that maybe your family library would have them.”

“It might…”

“Look, I get if you don’t want to,” Remus said quickly. “I just thought I’d bring it up.”

Remus turned back to his books, knowing Sirius well enough to give him time to consider the
question. Sirius leaned on the kitchen counter looking down into the dark depths of his tea.
Grimmauld Place was his now as the only remaining Black. Funny how he’d gone from
being burnt off the tapestry to somehow once again, becoming the Black heir, he was sure his
parents were rolling in their graves. That was almost enough to convince Sirius to go, just to
spit in their faces that he was the last one standing. That and Remus’s hopeful gaze, whatever
it was he was working on, it was clearly important and these days any upper hand meant the
world. Maybe some members of the Order were ready to lay down and give in, but not Sirius.
He’d keep fighting until his dying breath, even if every odd was against them.

Sirius had once vowed to himself to never return to that wretched house. Yet, maybe he could
do one trip, why should he continue to let his family win? They could go to the library, in and
out. It’s not as if he had any unpleasant memories of the library, he never spent much time in
there, it was Regulus’s place. Though, Sirius supposed that in of itself was an unpleasant
memory. With Moony though? It’d probably be okay. He glanced over to his partner who had
his head in his hands, loose brown curls falling into his face. Sirius couldn’t help the affection
that rushed through him, even after everything, Remus still made Sirius feel like a lovesick
fifth year.

“I’ll take, you on one condition.”

Remus looked up in surprise. “Anything.”

“You never ask me to go back again.”

“I can do that.”

“Okay, but you owe me Moony.”

He tilted his head. “I know, Sirius,” he murmured eyes soft.

Yes, Sirius was sure he could do this. It’d be fine.

--

Sirius took it back; this was not fine. There was a growing all-consuming pit in his stomach
as he opened the door to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. The entry hall was dark and
dusty, Sirius wasn’t sure why it surprised him. The house had always been gloomy and it’d
been empty for years now, but he’d never known the place to be anything less than spotless.

At least, he took this to mean that Kreacher thankfully wasn’t here. He’d never seen the
intolerable elf again, which was a relief to Sirius. Kreacher should have come to Sirius as the
rightful master after his parents died, but he’d never seen him. That combined with the dirty
house meant that the old house elf must have been dead.

The revelation didn’t sadden Sirius, but it filled him with a strange dizzy feeling. To think, all
that was left of the noble and most ancient house of Black was the delinquent blood traitor.

Remus lit his wand as Sirius let the front door close quietly behind them, not wanting to
disturb any of the shadows that lurked within the old house’s walls. Without a word, Sirius
set up the stairs. Aside from the dust and cobwebs, everything was exactly as it’d been when
he’d left at sixteen.

Sirius pushed open the heavy door to the library with Moony on his heels. He fumbled in the
dim light of Remus’s Lumos before he found a lamp which he quickly lit, bathing the room in
a warm flickering glow. Sirius’s breath stuttered out of him in a gasp, because if the rest of
the house was untouched, this room was not.

“What happened here?” Remus murmured looking around.

Sirius kept his silence as he took another step into the room. It was a mess, books and papers
were piled all over the floor the desk doors were open and old potion bottles were stacked up
in the trash.

Sirius nudged one of them with his wand, reading the labels. Calming draught, dreamless
sleep… the potions of a troubled person.

The thought made Sirius’s heart dip. Someone else may have thought the room had simply
been torn apart, but as Sirius looked, he recognized an order. The books were piled manically,
in piles so tall some of them looked ready to topple. Yet, as Sirius read the titles he almost
laughed, they were alphabetized…

It was barely there, just a hint buried in some desperate insanity, but Sirius recognized his
brother in the room.

“Regulus happened I think,” Sirius said tonelessly.

He tried not to consider what this meant for whoever his brother had become in the end.
Sirius imagined him as he’d been in school, cold, aloof. Cruel and uncaring, never expressing
emotion. Robes crisp, not a hair out of place. In his memory, Regulus never really felt like a
person, more of a marble statue carefully sculpted by their parents.
Sirius never thought of him as anything else. If he considered Regulus as a child, the way his
round little cheeks would redden in the cold, how he’d bounce on the balls of his feet in
excitement, how he’d refuse to sleep if Sirius didn’t sneak in to tuck him in… if he thought of
that, Sirius was afraid he’d find some grief in him for a person Regulus wasn’t.

Regulus, Reggie, Sirius’s baby brother had been dead for years before Regulus Black met his
fate.

So, Sirius didn’t think about the fact that Regulus had been eighteen, he didn’t imagine
whatever Regulus had thought in his dying breath. How young and alone he must have been.
Sirius couldn’t sympathize, he refused to let himself after everything Regulus had done. No,
he couldn’t delude himself into being saddened by it, even though a feeling deep within
would sometimes try to stretch its fingers. He hated Regulus. Despised him bitterly for
everything he’d done, for refusing to come with Sirius, for sitting back and allowing Sirius to
take punishment after punishment.

Deep down, Sirius was never really sure if Regulus believed all the blood supremacist shit his
parents did, for a little while, the uncertainty kept Sirius hanging on to some hope that he
could free his brother. That he could get back his sweet little boy, the one that Sirius had
raised. Because who had tucked Regulus in? Who stayed with him when he had nightmares?
Who taught him to tie his shoes and rubbed his back when he was sick? It was never their
parents, it was Sirius.

Sirius, who gave Regulus everything. Who took beatings for him, who wiped his tears away,
who’d brush his hair from his face and whisper lullabies in his ear. It was Sirius Regulus
would ask for when he needed someone. The small difference of age hardly mattered, to
Sirius, Regulus had been his child, his responsibility.

When Sirius had left him for Hogwarts, he’d felt scared to leave his brother alone, and guilty
in his relief. He could just be a kid, not a parent, not the strong older brother. Maybe that was
where the resentment started, with an eleven-year-old Sirius and a burden no child should
carry. When Regulus changed, it wasn’t hard to turn his back. In fact, the day he realized that
Regulus was beyond his reach, he’d almost been glad for it. Finally, he could stop fighting.
He was freed from a burden.

“Sirius,” there was a soft touch and he blinked, startled to find Remus standing in front of
him.
“Hm?”

“You can go wait outside for me if you need, I won’t be long.”

“No,” Sirius said quickly. “Get what you need, I’m not leaving you, Moony.”

Remus nodded slowly, squeezing Sirius’s arm gently before starting to work his way around
the room, picking books up as he went.

Sirius let his eyes fall closed and tried to breathe around the ghosts.

--

Not many things scared Remus Lupin. He could probably count them on one hand. The full
moon, losing his loved ones, and Voldemort, probably.

He was now considering adding Regulus Black to this list.

Wanting to get out of Grimmauld Place as fast as possible, Remus had simply grabbed as
many titles and as he could and shrunk them, stuffing them into his bag without a second
thought. He’d grabbed some papers too, quickly before Sirius noticed. He wasn’t sure if the
man would want him to bring home these pieces of his dead brother, the neat script
immortalizing something Sirius would clearly rather forget.

Now, Sirius was asleep, retiring early, and Remus was holed up in the study, sorting through
the things he’d taken.

He’d only begun flipping through the books, what caught his eyes however wasn’t the actual
information, but the parchment tucked into its pages.
Remus plucked it out of a page about fire spells.

Could be modified. All-consuming? Not ever burning. Destructing of everything in its path.

He swallowed, he knew the writing must have been Regulus’s he recognized it from the other
papers he’d seen in the library. The contents of his notes were horrifying, modifying a fire
spell to be all-destructive? It seemed he was making a distinction from fiendfyre, which was
a dark spell Remus knew of vaguely that was almost sentient and impossible to put out.
Regulus wanted to create something controllable and infinitely destructive? Yes… the
thought was terrifying.

Fear aside, it also told him that Regulus Black had apparently been brilliant. Remus knew
he’d had high marks in school, but this far was beyond that.

Now even more curious, Remus continued flipping through the book, looking for more notes
and annotations. He found similar ideas, modifications for spells, and ideas for potions, all of
them were in the same vein as the first, they were weapons.

Feeling uneasy, Remus put a potion book he’d just been looking at down and grabbed for
another. He felt his heart drop suddenly as he opened the first page and was met with harsh
black lines of writing.

The other books had been carefully notated. Parchment tucked into the pages. Regulus didn’t
write directly in them and every word was inked in perfect script.

If not for the similarity in handwriting and words, Remus might have thought this book had
been defaced by an entirely different person.

The words were scrawled, messy, and harsh. The dried ink was smeared in places. Remus
could see the points where the quill had been pressed so hard into the parchment it almost
ripped through the page.
Has to be done. Sacrifice? Has to be me. Do I owe this? Balance? Scales? Penance? Greater
good. Icarus flying into the sun. Don’t burn me, don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. Never
tell, never. Fear makes you human. Sacrifice. Tip the scales, outcome undefined. Calculate by
magic energy versus? Combinations? Find the piece, destroy it. Destroy it, I owe this. How?
Location pinpointed. Do I tell someone? I can’t say goodbye. Can't tell him, I'm sorry.

Remus slammed the book closed.

The words seemed like nonsense, like a man out of his mind. Remus had seen the potion
bottles, knew that Regulus Black could not have been a well in the end. So many calming
draughts were a sure sign of addiction, and an addiction to such a potion could quickly turn
dark. Eventually an addict would never be able to feel calm without consuming an increasing
amount, they’d keep taking it to avoid the deadly panic, potentially leading to an overdose.

Remus remembered their lesson on potion addictions well, it’d been given harshly to the
entire school just after the Ministry had started to regulate calming draughts. An escalating
string of deaths had led to the Ministry labeling it a controlled substance. Slughorn had told
them that a person with a calming draught addiction would become frantic, paranoid, and
rash. Often they’d even become violent or angry, unable to ever feel at ease anymore, it’d
drive them crazy. A majority of people suffering from such addiction succumbed to it,
whether that was via overdose, or sometimes suicide when they were unable to cope.

Remus wondered in horror if that was how Regulus had died. Anyone who’d known what
happened had kept their lips shut tightly and despite the fact that Sirius believed it’d been
caused doing something for the Death Eaters, it didn’t seem entirely right to Remus. He knew
that Sirius’s parents had relocated to Paris during the war, leaving the house to Regulus.
Every detail of the place seemed to scream that Regulus was a recluse. To do all this work, he
must have been shut in the library for days at a time. Remus thought that whatever he’d been
doing for Voldemort, it was probably more along the lines of Remus’s job for the Order.

Making potions, modifying spells, giving the Death Eaters weapons. It didn’t seem like the
kind of job to get a person killed in duty.

Remus took a deep breath, vowing to never voice his suspicion to Sirius. Something told him
that the idea of Regulus meeting his end because of an addiction while a violent war was
going on outside his window, would destroy Sirius.

Taking a shaky breath, Remus carefully moved to shove the book away again. Just as he was
about to tuck it from sight, a piece of parchment fluttered to the floor. He hesitated, almost
afraid to read anything else. Of course, curiosity (a fatal flaw of his, he was sure) got the
better of him.

It lacked the frantic panic from the last, but still, unlike the earlier writing Regulus’s writing
was messy, quickly scrawled. A drop of stray ink was dried on the parchment, probably
dripped in the haste to get the words down.

Pandora knows, cover. If it goes wrong, Kreacher brings piece. No one notices us.

Remus frowned… Pandora? He remembered her vaguely from school, she was blonde and a
little strange. They were prefects together, he was pretty sure Lily was friends with her.

He reread the words trying to understand, the piece? Piece of what? It couldn’t be that
Regulus was talking about the very thing Dumbledore had Remus researching… what were
the odds? And what would Regulus Black have to do with such a piece of magic?

--

James was smiling. Remus noticed it, Lily and Sirius noticed. Sirius returned it with a
delighted smile of his own, and James just shook his head as his best friend launched into a
pointless and slightly absurd tale about their gardening efforts.

Lily shared a look with Remus, but she was smiling too, despite pretending to be exasperated
by the two of them.

It was nice to see James being himself, he’d been bad the past month. Remus wasn’t sure
what it was about this particular month out of the year, but like clockwork, in the last couple
years James would become a shadow of himself for a couple weeks. Sure, most of the time
he was different than he used to be. Quiet, subdued, spacing out for long periods of time or
the complete opposite, hyper, reckless, and vibrant like he was compensating for the time he
spent as a ghost. It was unnerving, so unlike the James Remus had always known.

Yet, today, he seemed okay, and Remus let himself enjoy the moment. Harry was happily
playing in the other room, and it was almost like old times… minus a few. The thought left a
bitter taste in his throat and he tried to swallow it down.

“Pads!” Harry screeched running in. “Play, play!”

Sirius shook his head but let himself be pulled away with a smile, he could never deny Harry
anything.

As they departed into the other room Remus took his chance to ask a question that had been
on his mind all night.

“Lily.”

“Hm?” She looked up from the tea she’d been sipping thoughtfully.

“I wanted to ask you, you were friends with Pandora in school, right?”

Her eyebrows went up in surprise. “I was, why do you ask?”

“Well,” Remus glanced behind him to make sure Sirius was out of earshot. “Dumbledore has
me working on something. I convinced Sirius to take me to Grimmauld Place to get some
books from the library.”

“He took you?” James asked in slight disbelief.

“He did. I know, I wasn’t expecting it either… the thing is, when I was going through the
books I found something, writings, notes… don’t tell Sirius yet, I need to talk to him about it
but…” Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out the parchment, sliding it across the
table to Lily.

“What is this?” she asked reading it with a furrowed brow.

“It’s… well it’s Regulus’s,” Remus admitted. “His writings were all over the books and some
of it- it’s a bit scary, Lils.”

On the other side of the table, James’s hands suddenly went very still.

Lily was looking intently at the parchment, seemingly unaware of James’s reaction. Not for
the first time, Remus felt as if there were all these puzzle pieces in front of him and he only
needed to put them together, but he just couldn’t.

“Scary how?”

Remus tore his gaze from James’s still form. “It… well he was talking a bit crazy. Rambling
about sacrifice and balance and I don’t know, Icarus or something?”

“Icarus?” James spoke, his voice quiet. This time, Lily turned too, noticing James’s
strangeness.

Remus nodded. “Yeah the Greek myth—”

“The guy who flew into the sun, I know,” James finished.

“You do? It’s a muggle myth.”

 James just shrugged. “He flew into the sun,” he repeated like it that answered Remus’s
confusion.

“Well,” Remus frowned. “I didn’t want to bring it up in front of Sirius because the writing
was so… off. Regulus seemed very paranoid and almost incoherent, plus from what we saw
in the library I’m pretty sure he had a potion addiction. I- I don’t know, he was clearly out of
his mind. But the thing about Pandora… I think it’s important. I want to find her. I thought
you might know where she is, Lily.”

Lily wrapped a hand around her mug. “I haven’t kept in touch with her,” she admitted. “I
think she stayed neutral on the war. She married what’s his name… Lovegood, I think? She
was pregnant last I heard.”

“Lovegood? Doesn’t he have that strange magazine?”

“That’s him.”

“Okay, thank you Lily.”

“Of course, Rem. Whatever it is you’re working on, I hope it helps.”

“Yeah, me too.”

He didn’t notice the ways James’s hands had curled into fists or the faraway look in his eyes.
If Remus had, he might have finally been able to put the puzzle together.

Chapter End Notes

I feel like jegulus is one of the few ships that I just cannot find enough content for. It's
also one of my favorite ships I've found in a long time, so of course, as a long-time
fanfic writer I figured it should write something.

This entire idea was birthed by a tiktok which I shall attempt to link. The idea was
definitely different than what I went with, but something about the entire vibe... just
you'll see.

Also, I should note I've already written a portion of this fic (I'm working on it for nano,
so expect fairly regular updates around every week or so if all goes well.

the tiktok that inspired it

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Two
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Ottery St. Catchpole

1982

Pandora Lovegood lived in a strange sort of house. Even as Remus walked up the front path,
he saw the garden was filled with spiked plants and brightly colored flowers. As he rang the
doorbell, it sang a long tinkling song that echoed loudly through the house.

The door opened slowly, and he was faced with Pandora Lovegood, her hair as long and
blonde as ever and pale cheeks flushed slightly. Her eyes darted around as she took in his
face, looking over his shoulder for anyone else.

“Uh, hello,” he said nervously.

“Hello.” The way her hand was carefully covered by the open door, told Remus she probably
had her wand hidden at the ready.

“I’m Remus, I’m not sure if you remember me from school. I’m not here to cause any
trouble, I just had some questions about an old friend of yours.”

“I’m sorry, I’m quite busy. No time for visitors, unfortunately,” she said briskly

“Please, I only need a few minutes.”

“No, I can’t.”
It wasn’t surprising that she was so jumpy, Death Eaters were everywhere nowadays. Even
while she hadn’t sided with the Order, she wasn’t much safer by refusing to join the Death
Eaters either.

Pandora began shutting the door and Remus resisted the urge to grab it for fear of scaring her.
“Wait, please! Look,” Remus stepped closer his voice lowering. “I-I’m in a relationship with
Sirius Black, I think there’s someone you both had in common.”

That stopped her and Remus barely dared to breathe. He rarely admitted his relationship to
anyone. While sometimes he was sure the world was more accepting now than when they’d
been children, it was still barely so. Admitting to being queer was still a death sentence if you
told the wrong person, but Remus had a gut feeling. He remembered Regulus’s writings, the
‘him’ he’d spoken of. Merlin, if Remus was wrong, he was fucked, but if not…

Pandora slowly let the door fall open the rest of the way. “Come in,” she said, quickly
ushering him inside. She looked around the empty yard behind him before shutting the door.

“Tea?” she asked.

“I’m okay,” Remus told her quickly.

She nodded before wordlessly leading him down and hall and into what looked like a
workshop of some sort. There were plants, trinkets, and various projects littering a large table
that spanned the length of the wall.

“What do you want to know about Regulus?” she asked, getting straight to the point as they
sat on a pair of rickety stools in the corner.

“I’m doing research. Sirius took me to his childhood home to get some books. I found some
writing in them, Regulus’s… he mentioned you.” He pulled the parchment he’d been
carrying with him out of his pocket and handed it over.
Pandora examined the words for a long moment. Remus sat in silence letting her take her
time. When she looked up her blue eyes were intense, he almost felt like he was being torn
apart by her gaze.

“Reg and I were close,” she said simply.

“Does that mean you know what it is he was talking about in the note?”

“No.”

“Really? So he wasn’t studying Horcruxes?”

She froze, parchment still clutched in her hand. “What do you know about Horcruxes?”

“Not a lot,” he admitted. “I know it can make a person immortal. It breaks their soul into two
pieces. I know it’s dark, horrifying, and taboo. It’s what Regulus was researching, isn’t it?
Did he find something?”

Pandora’s knuckles were white as she fisted the little piece of parchment in her hand. “I- I
don’t know. I don’t know any more details about Horcruxes than you do. Regulus…
something happened.” She swallowed nervously. “He never liked it, being a Death Eater, it
was killing him.”

“You mean the potions?”

Her eyes widened. “Yes,” she stuttered out. “He was pulled from school before his seventh
year by his parents. But even before then, he was lost… I think he started taking the calming
draughts at the end of sixth year. Something happened, he had someone I-it was a boy…” she
admitted her voice going small on the last word. “Obviously, no one could know. But they
were together for a long time. I think, since he was fourteen. I didn’t like him sneaking
around, it was dangerous, but Reg had so few people in his corner. The boy loved him, he
must’ve. Though, they ended things, Regulus said that they had different values. I’m pretty
sure that just meant the boy didn’t want him to be a Death Eater. But Regulus never really
considered himself to have a choice in the matter.”

“Did he want to be a Death Eater?”

She let her hands fall to her lap, picking at a stray thread on her long skirt. “He never said, it
could have destroyed him if anyone heard. But I know he didn’t. There are more ways to say
things than just words. He didn’t want it, but he was scared. His parents were cruel and they
doubled down after his brother left.”

“I remember Regulus from school,” Remus said carefully. “He didn’t act like someone who
didn’t believe in all that blood purity, Death Eater stuff.”

“It’s not so simple. Regulus wasn’t a saint, in fact, I’m not sure he was even good. He did
believe it at first. It wasn’t until he realized he liked boys that he started to question the things
his parents fed him. Even after, it’s not as if he was adamantly against blood purity or the
biggest muggleborn supporter… but he wasn’t a cruel person. He couldn’t stomach the
violence. He never wanted to hurt anyone.”

“That doesn’t exactly paint the picture of the nicest person. So, he didn’t want to murder
muggleborns? Great, it’s not saying much,” Remus pointed out.

“I know that. I’m not excusing him if that’s what you think,” Pandora said stubbornly. “But
everyone seems to forget that he was a child. He was eighteen when he died.” Her voice
shook slightly at the words. “If he’d had the chance I think he could have become a decent
sort of person. He tried to do the right thing, I think.”

“It wasn’t the potions that killed him,” Remus said slowly. “Was it?”

“I don’t think so,” Pandora said her voice barely above a whisper. “He told me the day before
he died that he found something. I—" she bit the inside of her cheek. “Well, he didn’t tell me
anything more than what the note says really. Just that Kreacher was going to bring me
something and I was to do anything and everything within my power to destroy it.”

“A Horcrux?”

“I think so, yes.”

“So, Voldemort…”

“Made one,” Pandora finished for him. “That was what Reg suspected at least. I never saw
Kreacher though, he didn’t bring me anything. I don’t know if Regulus even made it to
wherever he was going. I’d say it’s more likely that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named found out
and killed him.”

Despite his overall dislike for Regulus over the years, Remus found the thought ached in a
strange way. Remus had no pity for the Regulus Black he’d been familiar with, but this boy,
the one Pandora still spoke of so softly? A Regulus who had tried to right one of his endless
wrongs only to fail, just to die at a mere eighteen-years-old? Pandora was right, he had been a
child, and the thought stung. Regulus Black hadn’t been a good person, he was a Death Eater
but he was also a victim, Remus thought both of those things could remain true.

“Look,” Pandora said. “I know of someone, a scholar. He may be able to at least point you in
the direction of someone who knows of Horcruxes. At least give you more than you can learn
from a book.”

“You’d help me?”

“My friend died for nothing,” she said quietly. “I’d do anything to make it so something good
can come from his death.”

Pandora stood suddenly grabbing a piece of parchment from her worktable and a quill. She
quickly scrawled something down blowing on the ink for a moment before handing it to him.
“This is a friend of mine, Corey. He was my prefect partner in school, you might remember
him. He’s an expert in tracking information down, if there’s anyone in the world who knows
of Horcruxes on a deeper level than your books, he’ll be able to find them.”

“Thank you,” Remus said clutching the parchment carefully. “This has been a lot of help.”

“I’m glad to do it. If it can make even a little bit of a difference… but no one can know that I
helped you. Do you understand? I’ve worked very hard to keep my family away from this
war.”

“I understand.”

Remus remembered when they were fresh out of school, seventeen-years-old, ready to fight.
Sirius had scoffed when people would turn away from the conflict or insist on neutrality.
Even Remus, morally thought it was wrong. Now, he thought he understood the urge to stay
as far away as possible. At this point, he couldn’t imagine turning his back, but if he had a
child, a vulnerable family, he might want to leave too.

“Good, I wish you well Remus.”

“You as well.”

As Remus bid Pandora Lovegood goodbye, stepping back out into her colorful front yard, he
had the nagging feeling that something was shifting, for better or for worse.

--

Lily Evans had always been a busy, bright sort of person. She needed a lot to keep her
stimulated. She’d loved school. Sure, the intense fear of failure pushed her, but she found joy
in it too. It gave her purpose, having tasks to complete.
She’d found a kindred soul with Remus in that sense, now he was pacing back and forth in
her living room. Sirius was on the sofa, eyes following each step. James had Harry on his hip
and was dancing him around in the other room to delighted cries from the toddler. Lily knew
he wasn’t unaware of the tension in the living room, but he was pretending not to notice.

So, Lily got it, in a way, even as Sirius stared at Remus unhappily.

“Ireland…” Sirius repeated.

“Yes, that’s where Corey Boyle lives.”

“And why do you need to go there?”

Remus paused in his pacing to face Sirius. “Because he can help me with my research.”

Harry had apparently decided he had more entertaining things than his father and had run off
down the hall, a moment later James appeared stopping in the doorway to survey his friends.

“I’ll come with you,” Sirius insisted stubbornly.

“You know Dumbledore won’t approve that, there’s no need to waste people when we have
so few resources.”

“I’ll make him approve it!” Sirius stood throwing his arms up.

Remus probably only stopped his voice from rising by years of practice. “If only it were that
easy. But I won’t be gone long and it’s not going to be dangerous.”
“Anything can be dangerous!”

“By that logic, you’d best stop me from brushing my teeth in the morning lest I choke on my
toothbrush and die,” Remus snapped

Sirius’s eyes narrowed into a dark glare but at least he seemed to know when a battle with
Remus was lost, and he sat back down unhappily.

“Do you want cookies?” James asked from the doorway and Lily wasn’t sure whether to
laugh or cry in reaction.

It was such a dumb, hopeful James Potter response to the argument that Lily once wouldn’t
have ever thought she’d miss it. Now, he was quiet most times and she found herself longing
for the days when he always had a stupid comment on the tip of his tongue.

It was a mark of how rare it was that Sirius’s anger seemed to soften. “Sure, Prongs,” he
shook his head. “Bring in the cookies.”

James smiled and maybe it was a little dimmer than it used to be, but Lily chose not to think
about that. She knew why, she was very smart after all, the only problem was courage. Lily
was sure the sorting should have placed her in Ravenclaw because some Gryffindor she was.
She’d never been able to confront James about it and he’d never offered, though sometimes
she was sure he realized she knew. Maybe it was something best left to rest, let the object of
James’s pain stay in his grave. Lily was sure it was unlikely she’d ever work up the nerve to
ask him anyway.

Ireland

1982

The trip to Ireland was surprisingly easy. Remus’s portkey landed him exactly where he
needed to be, and he found himself at Corey Boyle’s house without incident. When he
knocked on the door, Corey opened it quickly, no hidden wand or whisper of tension in his
shoulders. Remus wondered if that was what life was like when a person lived away from the
heart of the war.

“Remus Lupin, right? Please come in, Pandora told me I’d be seeing you!”

“Uh yes, thanks for meeting with me.”

“Oh, of course, this is what I do,” Corey grinned leading him through the house and into a
large study.

Books lined floor-to-ceiling shelves and Remus couldn’t stop himself from glancing at the
titles, eyes widening as he recognized some incredibly rare books.

“You’ve got the hunger too, eh?”

Remus spun. “Huh?”

Corey just smiled. “To learn, to know things.”

Remus just shrugged. “I Suppose,” he tore his eyes from the books. “Did Pandora tell you
why I’m here?”

“Horcruxes,” he said instantly, and Remus stilled. “She didn’t explain why, only that you
wanted to learn about them. I don’t assume you’re the bad sort, otherwise she wouldn’t have
sent you to me. Sit down, please,” he beckoned.

Remus sat on the edge of the chair. “So you can help me?”
“No,” Corey said and Remus’s heart instantly dropped. Seeing his face the other man quickly
waved his hand “I mean-“ he corrected, “I don’t know anything, but I might be able to send
you to someone who does.”

“Who?”

“Eh, unfortunately, it’s not so simple.”

Remus resisted the urge to sigh, of course not. “How so?”

“I met someone some years ago, he had a very intimate knowledge of dark magic. The topic
of Horcruxes came up, I knew instantly that he had to be somebody important because he
refused to say a word. That’s also how I figured he was the good sort, didn’t want to let
anyone near magic like that. I could see why, there was something dark under that boy’s
skin.”

“Boy?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Hm, yes, he couldn’t have been older than nineteen or so, it’s partly why it was such a shock
to see that knowledge in his eyes. Pretty sure he was under a glamour, but it was clear how
young he was. Not that I was much older at the time, I’ll tell you, but he seemed so much
younger somehow.”

“Do you know where to find him?”

“Not exactly, I didn’t even catch his name, but he runs some sort of business. It’s kept pretty
quiet from what I learned, but ask the right people and someone will be able to point you in
the right direction.”

“That’s not very helpful,” Remus said, trying not to let his frustration seep into his voice.
“Go to Italy,” Corey shrugged. “Poke around, I bet as soon as he catches wind someone is
looking for him, he’ll find you.”

“So, your advice is to search the entire country of Italy and hope this mysterious man who
you think knows about Horcruxes shows up?”

Corey seemed unperturbed by Remus’s clear irritation. “You should know by now this is a
topic best left alone. If you want an answer that doesn’t lead you right into the clutches of
war or any dark wizards, yes, that’s my advice. This is dangerous information you’re messing
with.”

“Fine,” Remus stood. “Is there at least anything else you can tell me?”

“Look in less populated areas first,” Corey shrugged. “He was hiding from something, he’ll
probably be away from any places where a lot of people pass through. The only other thing I
remember about him was that we discussed muggle literature, he had a thing for classics as
well as muggle mythology and folktales.”

“You think he’s muggleborn?”

“Could be, could not be. Might just be like you and me, thirsty for knowledge,” Corey raised
an eyebrow.

Remus just nodded, great another extremely helpful piece of advice.

As Corey saw Remus out, Remus couldn’t help but think he still was just as close to finding
the information he needed as he’d been weeks ago. Had Regulus Black’s incoherent notes
sent him on a wild good chase?

Part of Remus thought he should just go home, regroup, go through the books again. The
other part was stronger. Remus knew. He had a twisting feeling in his gut telling him he was
on the right track. So, to Italy it was.
Chapter End Notes

Another chapter this week just because I can and a lot of people left nice comments so I
wanted to put out some more to kind of get the plot going. Thank you to everyone who
commented I shall get around to replying soon but I really appreciate it!

I'll be establishing an update schedule soon once I get a feel for how fast I'm writing, I
only have around 25k words written so far, so I really need to break everything into
chapters and make some sort of outline (this will probably end up being a massive fic by
my standards so...) But it will probably be updated every weekend. So stay tuned.

⚠️ EDIT!! I've decided I'll be updating this Sunday (the 13th) from there I'll start a
schedule. I'll either be updating every weekend or bi-weekly, probably midweek and the
weekend.

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Three
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Somewhere in the countryside of Italy

1982

The roar of water came before consciousness fully slipped through the cracks. He was
drowning. Someone was yelling.

“Lu!”

He blinked.

The sun was shining, starting to edge ever so slowly toward the horizon as the afternoon
began to slip away.

The wind was blowing ever so slightly through the trees, whispering its song into the leaves
above. Spring was slowly slipping away into the warmer months, and he was grateful for the
slight breeze

“Lu, come on!”

He sat up, squinting to look up at the girl, the sun reflecting in the lake behind her was
blinding. The present came back to him as he tried to shake the sleep from his limbs. Of
course, it’d been a dream. The water was only the lake and the yelling had been the girl in
front of him.
“Bea?” He frowned in annoyance.

“Lu, I’ve been trying to wake you,” she complained in rapid Italian, never one to talk less
than a mile a minute.

“I’m awake.”

“You could have been asleep out here all night and gotten to by the animals, you know.”

“I doubt that would have happened.” The Italian rolled off his tongue easily, it was second
nature by now. He remembered in the beginning when he’d always felt like he was trying to
remember a word, forcing it to come as easily as French and English always did. Now, he
couldn’t even remember the last time he’d said something in English.

“It very well could have, you’ve been working too hard lately.”

He sighed. “You’re beginning to sound more like your mother with every year that passes.”

Bea scoffed. “I’ve never tried to marry anyone off,” she crossed her arms haughtily.

“Hm, she’s still trying to set you up with the city boy?”

“He has good money apparently.”

He shook his head getting to his feet and brushing the grass from his trousers. “Is he at least
attractive?”
“I mean, I don’t wince when I look at him. My mother has certainly brought worse men to
me.”

“Maybe you should give him a chance,” he teased.

“Lu!” Bea hit him a little more violently than the situation called for. “You’re supposed to be
on my side!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he said rubbing his arm where her fist had made contact.

She rolled her eyes in a way that embarrassingly reminded him of himself. “C’mon, my
mother wants you to come over for dinner. You don’t need to be at the shop do you?”

“No, would I have been out here if I did?”

“Regular Lu wouldn’t be, but you’ve been strange lately.”

“I’ve just had a lot to work on.”

“Yeah, yeah. Must be difficult to keep up the apothecary and your top-secret magic work.”

“It’s just a personal project.”

“Yeah,” she grinned. “Your fancy magic project. Did you learn that at Beauxbatons? Must
have, right? Mr. French. So smart, with your official magic education.”

He just shook his head. In such a sparsely populated area of Italy, no one received a formal
magic education, it was the norm for any magical parents to simply pass down what they
knew. There were so few wizards in the area anyway, and families hardly wanted to send
their children far away.

“You said dinner?” he prompted ignoring her probing, she’d known him long enough by now
to know he didn’t talk about his past.

“Okay, fine Lu. Be all secretive,” she huffed, but started off through the trees towards her
house anyway.

He followed her, watching the way her dark braids glinted in the sun. He took a deep breath
as the lake disappeared behind them. The sky was bright, wide open above, and birds were
singing in the distance. He was not trapped, he was not drowning.

He was alive.

Italy

1982

Remus was about two steps from losing his mind. He’d been traveling through Italy for
weeks, going from town to town, poking and prodding. Thus far, he’d come up with nothing.
Remus was frustrated and exhausted, he missed James, Lily, and Harry. He missed Sirius and
his home.

Though, he could admit there was a certain upside to a land unravaged by war. The wizards
he’d met so far were all aware of the carnage in Britain, there was a certain caution in the air,
but Italy was untouched. Some worried it would spread to them, but most felt secure with
their distance. It’d been a long time since Remus had seen streets filled with people and
bustling shops. People stopped to grab food, talk to their neighbors, or simply loiter around.
It made Remus ache for a time when his own home had thrived just the same.
On his third week, Remus came to a small town in the countryside. He hadn’t even known it
was there. His maps had put a couple of houses in the area, but he was surprised to see it was
more populated than it’d seemed. Remus stumbled upon it entirely by accident, he’d been on
his way to the town over and had stopped at an apparition point when he’d noticed the glint
on lights over the hill. If it’d been a little earlier and Remus had been a little less tired, he
may not even have stopped. It was only through this fateful series of events, that Remus
ended up walking into the small pub and inn on the edge of town.

A middle-aged woman quickly greeted him in surprise as he walked into the door, Remus
welcomed the warmth in place of the nightly chill. She quickly abandoned the drink she was
pouring greeting him in Italian.

A couple of other customers looked his way and Remus figured this town didn’t get many
visitors. “Uh hello?” Remus said to the woman.

She raised an eyebrow at his English. “Hello, how can I help you?” Her own English was
slightly accented and she seemed taken aback by an Englishman all the way out here.

“I need somewhere to stay for the night.”

“Hm, I can do that for you,” she nodded. “You’re far from home?”

“Uh, yes, I’m traveling.”

“Where to?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

She nodded. “I know another man who came here just the same, we’re a good place for lost
people,” she smiled. “But he spoke good Italian. Not you?”
“Not really,” Remus rubbed his neck. “I’ve only been here a few weeks.”

“Hm, well, you will learn. ”

“I’m not lost,” Remus told her.

“You’re not running?”

“No.”

“I know there’s war.”

Remus paused. “War?”

“In Britain.”

“So, you’re…”

“Same as you I presume; I see your hand on your wand,” she said her voice lowering as she
nodded to his hand in his pocket.

“Oh... I- I didn’t think there would be anyone else like me here.”

“Only a handful. Lost people turn up here,” she told him repeating her earlier sentiment.

“I’m not lost,” Remus told her stubbornly once again. “I’m looking for something.”
“Is being lost not the pursuit to find your way back?”

He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just shrugged. “I’m doing research.”

“Ah, so you’re an academic?”

“Yes,” Remus told her because it was easier than explaining he was part of a rebellion in a
war that didn’t touch her.

“Then you’re in the right place, we have information here.”

“Information?”

“Hm, Lu,” she agreed with a nod.

“Who’s that?”

“A French man, I told you of him already, he was lost. Stumbled in here years ago, more lost
than you. Wild and broken up, couldn’t let him run off the earth, no? Quite young, barely
older than my daughter, but he was smart and knew all sorts of things. He found a home
here.”

“So, he’s not lost anymore?” Remus raised an eyebrow, a little fed up with her assumptions
about him.

“Oh no, he is. Always drifting, reaching for his ghosts. Left something important behind I
think, wherever he came from. But he has your answers, I’m sure.”
“You don’t even know what answers I’m looking for.”

“No, but I told you, Lu knows things.”

Remus wanted to sigh, she was clearly fond of this boy, and of course, she assumed he could
help. He knew that the likelihood that a random French man would have any information
about Horcruxes was very low. However, he was tired and hungry so he just nodded.

“Good, I’m Isa, what’s your name?”

“John,” Remus lied.

As she shot him a smile he felt for a moment that she knew he wasn’t entirely telling the
truth, but she said nothing of it. “Good, you can talk to Lu tomorrow, John. Let me get you
some dinner and a room.”

--

The room was small and worn, but the bed was comfortable, and everything was much
cleaner than a lot of places Remus had stayed so far. Once the door was firmly locked and
Remus had warded the room heavily, he sat down on the bed spreading out his notes and
books.

Remus felt some days, as if he were chasing Regulus Black’s ghost. The ink of his notations
were so dark that in the dim light, they looked like blood and Remus resisted the urge to
shiver. Even after pouring over his books so often, they still left him feeling uneasy,
something about the sudden changes in his notes switching from apathetic and cool to frantic
and violent, then often they’d switch back again, left him feeling ill. Remus could almost
trace the threads of sanity that Regulus had been holding onto, he could pinpoint exact places
where they seemed to snap. It was chilling to see mapped out so clearly and often, Remus
had to force himself not to slam the books shut.
Recently, he’d been slowly going through every page of every book, analyzing Regulus’s
annotations and casting spells, looking for anything hidden, any possible piece of information
he was missing. As Remus finally came to the last page of the book he’d currently been
working on, he’d once again come up empty-handed. He couldn’t make sense of half the
things Regulus had written and he couldn’t find any context to help explain them.

Closing the book with a sigh, Remus tossed the book into the pile of ones he’d finished with.
He surveyed the other books for a moment trying to decide if he should start with another. As
he sorted through the titles he stopped suddenly at a worn copy of The Iliad. Remus had
overlooked any book not related to dark magic. He’d taken all sorts of titles from the library,
many of them were surprising to see from a pureblood but hardly relevant to Remus’s work.
He hadn’t paid any attention to the copy of The Iliad, in fact, Remus had taken it entirely by
accident. Now he picked it up flipping it open. The front page had neat writing in it and
Remus was surprised, it was the first time he’d seen a seemingly coherent Regulus write
directly on the paper. The other books were annotated on carefully stuck pieces of parchment,
the only time Regulus had written in the actual margins was when his words were frantic and
senseless.

But there before the preface were Regulus’s neat words. Remus recognized the handwriting
easily by now.

If you like any book I give you, it’ll be this one. Enough war and mythology for you, I can
only hope. This better satisfy your obsession with Greek mythology so we can move on to
other classics… Happy sixteenth.

P.S if you don’t like it that’s because you are dumb, I hope you know.

There were little doodles in the margins of the pages as he flipped through, snitches and stars,
he recognized Regulus’s constellation inked onto one and he wondered if Regulus had done
these drawings or someone else.

Remus couldn’t help the sad smile as he imagined a young Regulus picking out this book for
someone and writing this slightly scathing but endeared dedication. He remembered Pandora
mentioning a boy and Remus was surprised by the edges of something sharp pushing through
his chest. Where was this boy now? Was he still alive, did he still care for Regulus? Did he
even know he was dead?
Remus Lupin had never really considered Regulus Black before this insane endeavor, now he
couldn’t get rid of a feeling that felt almost similar to grief. He hadn’t liked Regulus, he still
didn’t, but he mourned something bigger, deeper. A thousand lives claimed by the war just
the same, a thousand more little tragedies. Pain was everywhere, and Remus didn’t feel
satisfied that Regulus Black had gotten his share. Instead, it just felt unfair. Unfair that all of
them—any of them—had been forced into this world, fighting a war they hadn’t started. He
thought of Marlene and Dorcas, of Mary’s grief that’d chased her right off the edges of the
earth. Of Lily who drifted aimlessly, trying to find a purpose for her time, of Sirius who never
settled, of James living like a ghost, walking a world separate from them.

Remus grieved.

--

“I found a man yesterday,” Isa said.

He lifted his head from the table, not bothering to ask why she was in his kitchen.

“A man?”

“Yes, I think you can help him. He’s a wizard.”

“A wizard here?”

“Yes, a British one.”

His hand froze on its way to his teacup. “British?” He hoped there was no waver in his voice,
but he was pretty sure that Isa had long known he wasn’t exactly who he claimed to be.
“Yes, is it okay if I send him to you? He’s looking for something.”

“What’s his name?” He asked hesitantly.

“John, I didn’t catch a last name. He’s a bit older than you I think, tired-looking. Insists he
isn’t lost, but I disagree.”

He wracked his brain trying to fit the description with anyone he knew, it wasn’t much to go
on. “How much older?”

“Not sure, late twenties, maybe even thirty or so.”

If that was true, even if they’d been at Hogwarts at the same time it was unlikely the man
would recognize him. He looked down at his hands, his cold, pale skin covered by glamour,
the delicateness long gone. His hands were still thin but strong and his fingers calloused and
rough from years of work. He knew if he were to look in the mirror his hair would be a light
brown, his eyes blue. There was a spill of freckles across his cheeks, those were real though,
brought out from so much time in the sun, something that he’d never done before. He was
sure there were only a few people in the world who would look at Lu and see the dead boy
underneath, and none of them matched the description of this man, John.

“Fine, I’ll see him.”

“Good, I’ll send him to your shop.”

“Fine, now leave me to enjoy my morning in peace,” he complained.

Long used to his attitude, Isa just smiled before letting herself out the back door.

--
He was expecting an unknown visitor, so when the bell jingled announcing an arrival he
turned prepared to be greeted by someone he didn’t know. The last thing he expected was the
be met with a face he very much recognized.

“Uh, are you Lu?” Remus Lupin asked, clutching a bag that was swung over his shoulder.

He understood why Isa had thought Lupin to be older than he was, he looked weary, with
dark bags under his eyes, and a heavy tension in his shoulders.

He didn’t speak only stared at Lupin in a state of shock.

Lupin shifted at the silence. “Sorry, do you speak English?”

He clenched his fist behind the counter, trying to quiet the alarm bells that were screaming in
his mind. “Yes, I’m Lu,” he said carefully, letting a slight accent tilt his words. He’d spoken
more French than anything else growing up and spent a great deal more time with the French
than the British, his mother had needed to train a British accent into him as a child. He had
found the French tinge to his English was easy to fall back into.

“Oh, okay,” Lupin said with a frown, clearly confused by his reaction. “I was told you might
be able to help me with something. I’m doing research.”

If he were anyone but Lu, he would have thrown Lupin out on the streets, but as far as the
Gryffindor was aware, they didn’t know each other, and he had a business to run.

“What sort of research?”

“Well,” Lupin hesitated. “It’s on dark magic.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

“Er-“ Lupin stepped closer his voice lowering even though no one else was in the shop.
“Horcruxes.”

He immediately stepped back. “No,” he said sharply “I can’t help you,”

“So, you don’t know anything?”

“I can’t help you,” he repeated.

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say and of course, out of all his brother’s stupid friends,
it had to be the smart one to show up.

“So, you do know.”

“No.”

Unfortunately, it was too late, Lupin clearly no longer believed him.

“Please,” Lupin begged. “You don’t understand how much I’ve given to find this
information. You may be one of the only people in the world who can tell me what I need to
know.”

“Yes, that’s for a reason.”

“I’m not just messing around, this is important, it's about the war in Britain. Even here, you
must know of it.”
“The war is not my problem nor my responsibility.”

And oh, and what a lie that was.

The war was the bane of his existence, haunting every waking moment. It was why he made
every decision he did, why he woke up every morning with suffocating fear in his lungs.

“Look,” Lupin said unaware of the heavy lie. He pulled a pile of books from his bag placing
them on the counter. “This is all I’ve got, I have traveled so far to find anything else that can
help.”

If the panic of seeing Lupin hadn’t been enough, seeing the books froze his heart in his chest
because… they were his. It was almost strange to see them now when his head was no longer
blurry from potions, the corners seemed sharper, the colors deeper. Lupin carelessly dropped
another book to the side away from the ones on Horcruxes and pushed the stack towards him.
He meant to look over the titles, to act as if he’d never seen them, instead his eyes followed
the book Lupin had pushed aside unimportantly.

Seeing his eyes follow the book Remus cut in. “Oh, that’s just The Iliad.”

And without thinking, without considering he made his biggest mistake yet, he reached.
Fingers needing to touch, to have this little piece. Lupin shouldn’t have had this book, it
wasn’t his, it wasn’t in that library with the others.

As his fingers brushed the cover, Lupin froze.

Because of course, it had to be the smart one, and somehow as soon as he reached, Lupin
knew.
“Is that your book?” Lupin asked slowly, eyes flicking over his face, no doubt looking for the
sign of a glamour.

“No,” he said quietly, and it was the truth. The book wasn’t his, it’d been a gift.

They stared each other down for a long moment before Lupin said one earth-shattering,
panic-inducing word.

“Regulus.”

It wasn’t a question, only a simple statement. Lupin knew, he was certain, only speaking the
truth to let it settle between them.

And it wasn’t deniable, every carefully learned and crafted part of Lu slipped away, he was
Regulus now, had been forced into it. Pinned beneath Remus Lupin’s knowing gaze.

“I can’t help you,” Regulus said, it sounded less convincing now, but he refused to let his
voice shake.

“You’re dead,” Lupin said, still blinking in his shock.

“In all the ways that matter.”

Lupin didn’t respond and they stared each other down in silence, neither daring to move an
inch, waiting on the next move.

Regulus gave first, after all, he was sure he had the most to lose if Remus Lupin walked out
and painted the truth down London’s streets. “I’ll help you.”
Lupin’s mouth fell open slightly, clearly, that hadn’t been what he expected Regulus to say.
“Why?” he demanded.

“Because,” Regulus leaned forward, hands firmly planted on the counter, it’d been a long
time since he’d been anyone but Lu, yet now, he found Regulus came back easier than he
would have liked. “In order for me to help, you’ll make a magic-bound oath not to tell a
single soul I’m alive.”

Lupin didn’t move, surveying Regulus, his face still. Regulus couldn’t read what was going
on behind his eyes, but he assumed it had something to do with Sirius, the cost of keeping a
secret from his… well- whatever Lupin was to Sirius, Regulus had never really known what
exactly they were, but it was always clear there was something there. He’d never dared to
ask, never had much of a chance to anyway.

Regulus knew Lupin was weighing the costs, he also knew exactly what decision he would
make. Lupin was righteous. He’d traveled all the way here and put all his focus into his
research. He wasn’t about to let all this go when Regulus had all the answers he needed.

“What kind of oath?”

“Don’t worry, I don’t quite have my family’s taste for unbreakable vows, a little outdated
don’t you think? A blood oath will do, you physically won’t be able to speak any words on
my current situation, but no harm will come of you.”

“I could figure a way around that,” Lupin raised an eyebrow

“You underestimate my skill, as long as the oath is worded just right, you won’t.

“You’ve always counted on that, haven’t you?” Regulus just raised an eyebrow and Lupin
continued. “People underestimating you, misjudging you.”
“I wouldn’t say I was misjudged; I’d say I was judged and they didn’t take what they found
as a threat. That isn’t my fault,” he shrugged.

Lupin only watched him over for a moment. “You should know I’ve spent weeks studying
your books,” he said it simply, no sharpness to his tone, no tension in his shoulders, but
Regulus recognized the threat anyway. His eyes flicked down to the copy of The Iliad on the
counter. Regulus knew what he was saying. I’ve seen you. I know.

Regulus didn’t react. “Will you take the oath or not?”

“How did you fake your death?”

“I didn’t.”

“Clearly you did,”

“Things happened in ways I didn’t expect,” he said vaguely.

Regulus expected more questions from Lupin but instead, the man seemed to have found
whatever he was looking for in Regulus. “I’ll take the oath,”

--

As Remus was led into the back of the apothecary he could feel the wards bending around
them. He wasn’t exactly surprised that Regulus Black had warded his study to the max, but it
was uncomfortable to think of what he was expecting these wards to protect against. If
Remus was a target for the Death Eaters then Regulus Black was the fucking bullseye.
Remus wondered if they knew he was alive.

Remus didn’t ask that question, though it was on the tip of his tongue. Something told him
Regulus wouldn’t answer. Instead, he said: “Pandora thinks you defected.”
Regulus didn’t speak at first, shutting the door to his office slowly. When he turned around
his face was blank. It was strange to look at an unfamiliar face and see Regulus Black, but
despite the glamour, Remus could recognize hints in the way he held himself, the weight of
his gaze.

“Pandora is idealistic,” he said finally.

“So, you didn’t? All this you’ve done has nothing to do with taking down Voldemort?”

Remus took note of Regulus’s contained flinch at the name. “I am not some rebel,” he said
sharply. “I am not Dumbledore’s servant and I am not the Dark Lord’s either. Not anymore.”

“But you did defect.”

“That isn’t the word I’d use. I turned my back on the Death Eaters for entirely selfish reasons
and got stuck following through. Don’t convince yourself I’m someone I’m not.”

“Do you still believe their rhetoric?”

“I never gave a single fuck about their rhetoric, that never stopped me from becoming a
murderer,” Regulus snapped. “Now stop asking questions or I’ll kick you to the streets and
you’ll never get anything from me.”

Remus wisely shut his mouth as Regulus began setting up for the oath. He watched the
glamour drop now that they were hidden and seeing Regulus Black in the flesh, bending over
a spell book, hit the situation home so hard it knocked the breath out of him.

His hair was longer than it’d been in school and no longer in the stiff slicked-back style.
Instead, his dark curls were unkempt, falling in his face. His skin had more color, and his
cheeks were slightly pink from sun exposure. Remus could still read pureblood all over him
in the strong line of his spine and the darkness of his gaze, however, he looked looser, alive.
On his neck, mostly covered by his jumper was a long deep scar, as Remus studied it he
realized it looked like it’d been made by a humanoid hand. Remus wondered with horror
what kind of hand could leave a scar that deep.

“You think you’d know better than to stare at people’s scars,” Regulus remarked, still
studying his book. As he looked up sharply Remus realized there was another near the side of
his throat like he’d been choked, and two long marks down the side of his cheek. Remus
quickly averted his gaze, Regulus was right, he knew the feeling and it wasn’t a nice one.

After another moment Regulus slammed the book closed and straightened up. As he set about
performing the oath, Remus knew Regulus was right. It was airtight. Regulus had chosen the
words incredibly carefully, avoiding any loopholes that would allow Remus to speak of
Regulus’s continuing existence.

Anxiety twisted in Remus’s guilt as the power of the spell faded and Regulus shrugged like
he hadn’t just performed a perfect blood oath.

“Now we can talk.”

Remus slowly sat down at the other side of Regulus’s desk, eyes falling on an abandoned
book that was sitting there open, quill abandoned. He noted that the annotations were inked
on a piece of parchment, the Regulus Black who had written directly on the pages so hard it
tore, seemed to be gone. Remus wondered what had happened.

“What do you know about Horcruxes?” Remus asked quickly, Regulus only stared him down
for a long moment and Remus was sure he was about to have a repeat of every other
encounter. No one ever knew anything, nothing more than Remus could find in a book.

“Plenty, but that isn’t the question you really need to be asking me, is it?”

Remus paused. “What do you know about Voldemort and Horcruxes?”

Regulus clicked his tongue leaning back in his chair. “That’s better. I know the Dark Lord has
successfully created some and hidden them away.”

A heavy weight settled inside Remus’s lungs. “Wait ‘some’? you’re saying he’s created more
than one?”

“I’m sure of three.”

“Three...” Remus repeated in disbelief. “That’s insane, it shouldn’t even be possible.”

“Most things are possible,” Regulus shrugged. “It just comes at a price, a man like the Dark
Lord hardly has anything to lose in paying.”

“How do you know of three?”

Regulus’s face remained smooth and unbothered, but Remus saw his hand twitch ever-so-
slightly at the question. “He has a diary, that was his first I think. He’s chosen things with
certain value to him. The diary, I didn’t realize what it was at first, but I heard the Death
Eaters speaking of its strange qualities and dark magic. Once I started researching I realized
what it was. The other is Hufflepuff’s cup, he trusted it in my family’s vaults. I didn’t connect
the dots on that one either until I found Slytherin’s locket. If that’s a Horcrux, the cup must be
as well. I’d assume he might also find other artifacts from the founders, so he’d at least make
two more if he hasn’t already.”

Remus blinked trying to wrap his head around the onslaught of information. “What do you
mean you found the locket?”

“I have it,” Regulus said as if that were nothing.

“You have Voldemort’s Horcrux…”

“I haven’t been able to destroy it.”

“But how do you have it?” Remus spluttered.

“I’m not hiding in the middle of nowhere warded to the teeth because I simply deserted.”

That answered absolutely none of his questions and Remus shook his head. “I- Dumbledore
wasn’t even entirely sure if Voldemort had actually made any Horcruxes or not. My job was
to research, try to find out if he had… you’re telling me you have one in your possession?
How did you even find out about any of this, you were still a kid.”

“The Dark Lord hardly cared,” Regulus said plainly. “I did the same job as you except for the
other side,” the corner of his mouth lifted into a smirk as if that were funny. “Unfortunately
for him, I was a little too smart. Dug too far into dark magic and ended up here.”

“That sounds as if you’re putting it a bit simply.”

“I don’t have a sob story and you don’t want to hear it.” The dry amusement was gone from
Regulus’s voice in an instant, the edges of his words sharpening.

Remus had never really had a conversation with Regulus before. He’d seen him in school,
always cold, still as marble. Even when Remus broke up the Slytherin’s bullying, Regulus
was always standing there, disinterested. Crouch and Rosier would get violent, Regulus just
looked on. He never joined in, but he never protested either, as if it were below him. The only
time Remus ever saw Regulus react was when Sirius was involved, even so, it was usually
just a snide comment or cruel smirk. It’d only devolved into physical violence once and that
was due to extreme baiting from Sirius.

Now, having a conversation with Regulus seemed akin to trying to walk through a field of
landmines. He was temperamental and sharp, yet at the same time, Remus couldn’t recognize
the same marble chilliness from Hogwarts. Remus tried to put the two versions of Regulus on
top of each other, he wasn’t sure which one was real, if either of them were.
“Not a sob story,” Remus agreed. “Not any more than I do,” he raised an eyebrow.

Regulus saw the challenge, his eyes narrowed, flicking over Remus’s face. He hadn’t been
sure until that moment but at Regulus’s silence, Remus was sure.

“How did you know?” Remus asked, cutting through the momentary silence.

“It was obvious if anyone paid attention. You’d fall ill on the full moon every month, plus
that nasty business with Snape.”

Remus frowned at that. “Snape didn’t tell you that, Dumbledore swore his silence. He was
never able to tell anyone.”

“No Snape didn’t tell me.”

Something about the words itched at the back of Remus’s mind. It was frustrating, his gut
screaming that the simple sentence meant something more, but it just wouldn’t fall into place.

“I have a lot to lose,” Remus said finally, choosing to file Regulus’s words away to examine
another time.

“I have nothing,” Regulus shrugged.

They stared each other down, both knowing exactly what this was, a truce, an agreement.

“What now?” Remus asked finally.

Regulus stood. “I give you the information I have, you go home.”

“Go home?”

“Yes, you can’t stay here. We need to find the other Horcruxes and how to destroy them. You
find out about any other artifacts that belong to the founders, I’ll figure out how to get to the
diary and cup.”

Remus blinked, surprised to hear that Regulus actually planned to work together.

“Okay… and if I find something, how will I contact you?”

“You won’t. I’ll find you.”

“How?”

Regulus of course didn’t deign to answer this. “You’re not to breathe a word to Dumbledore.
I don’t want him to know how close you are until the Horcruxes are in our possession and
destroyed.”

Remus wanted to protest, but a part of him knew Regulus was right to keep Dumbledore out.
If he knew he would intervene, probably take control. That would mean Regulus stepping
back or taking his knowledge elsewhere which was the last thing Remus wanted. As much as
he hated to admit it, he needed Regulus, he couldn’t do this without him.

“Fine, do you need an oath for that too?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No,” said simply. “You have too much to lose.”

Chapter End Notes

Regulus???

When I first started writing I did a lot of debating on how early to reveal Regulus, I
wanted to keep up the tension and uncertainty on whether he's alive. However, it didn't
really work with where I was going so I decided to go this route and not keep him from
you all too long.

I'm sorry I ADORE Remus and Regulus platonically and this fic will be pretty centered
around their growing friendship.

I'm just feeding everything I wish to see in Jegulus fics (one of the biggest being regular
updates so on that note: next update will be Wednesday the 16th!)

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Four
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The Evans-Potter cottage

1982

“You alright there Pads?” There was the nudge of James’s hand on his shoulder, and he
looked away from the fire he’d been staring into, blinking as his vision refocused.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius said quickly.

There was something about James and Lily’s house that was warm and comforting. There
was always a fire burning in the grate, something cooking or music playing. Despite being
stuck here originally, they’d made it home. Usually, being there relaxed Sirius, but not
tonight.

Tonight, Moony had stayed home, caught up in whatever he’d found while running around
Europe. He didn’t talk about his research at all anymore, and that was what scared Sirius.
He’d found something, probably something big, which also meant something dangerous.

Sirius looked to James who was still looking down at him in concern, clearly not believing
him. Color had returned to James’s face in the past month and Sirius was glad to see he
looked less like a ghost. It was always that one month of the year that he seemed to be the
worst. Of course, it was hard for all of them considering it was the anniversary of everything
going to shit, but for James, that month always seemed to hit so much harder. Sirius thought
sometimes it was because no one had ever really hurt James before. He wasn’t familiar with
it, the twisting knife of hurt in the gut. Looking at somebody who was supposed to care for
you, knowing they had no problem hurting you instead.
He'd grown up on it. But not James. No, James Potter had never been touched by cruelty until
his parents died. Sirius used to be jealous, now he wished that James had remained
untouched. The cruelty and violence never really stopped coming after that.

James nudged Sirius and he scooted over on the sofa, letting James settle in beside him.

“Is it about Moony?”

“How you’d guess?” Sirius asked, chuckling dryly, but there was no amusement in it.

James pulled up his feet tucking his knees into his chest, he was holding a copy of the Daily
Prophet and he dropped it on the coffee table. Sirius almost snorted when he noticed that
James had doodled little quidditch drawings on the edges of the page. It was a habit Sirius
had almost forgotten about. James had always claimed that doodling while he read helped
him absorb the information better. Sirius couldn’t see how, it seemed distracting, personally.
James had always been a little wild and unfocused, just like Sirius. The only difference was
that occasionally James would make the effort to work through it, but Sirius never tried in
school. In his trying, however, James had found such strange little tricks.

“You guys will be okay,” James said quietly. “I know it’s not easy, but you and Remus always
work through whatever is going on.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed quietly. “I know if we’ve made it this far nothing can separate us… it’s
just- I don’t know. We’re not fighting, he just feels so far away.”

“Have you talked to him, Pads?”

“Before he went away, yeah. Not since then, he’s been even worse since then, though. Before
Remus was just kind of accidentally ignoring me, now it feels… purposeful.”
James rested his head on his knees to look over at Sirius. “I wish I could tell you what to do,
but I don’t know. Just… it’s Moony, Sirius. Try talking to him again, we both know that man
loves you to death.”

Sirius just nodded taking a deep breath. He remembered a time when he wouldn’t have
dreamed of having a conversation like this with James. He’d never thought James would be
cruel or violent if he learned of Sirius’s queerness, but he hadn’t thought James would ever be
comfortable either. Somehow, it hadn’t seemed to faze him at all, in fact, James had seemed
completely unbothered to learn two of his closest male friends were fucking. There wasn’t
even a hint of disgust or uncomfortableness. For a long time, Sirius had watched carefully,
waiting for James to slip up, to show what Sirius thought would be a normal reaction, but
James never did. Eventually, Sirius realized that James was genuinely unbothered, it didn’t
seem to change how he viewed Sirius or Remus at all.

“I’ll talk to him,” Sirius said quietly. He studied James for a long moment. His jaw was
sharper than it’d been when they were younger, he had slight stubble and dark bags under his
eyes. Sirius wondered how much he slept these days. “I feel like you’re far away too,” Sirius
said finally, and as soon as he did, he wished he could take it back.

James stiffened, head lifting from his knees, his eyes flicked from Sirius’s face to a spot over
his shoulder and Sirius could see James slip away for a second. He knew if he turned, nothing
would be there, whatever James was seeing wasn’t real, wasn’t tangible. It was some sort of
ghost, one that years earlier, had gripped its fingers tightly around James’ throat and never let
go. James’ gaze returned to Sirius’s face, and he swallowed. They never spoke of it, aside
from the occasional loaded question or concerned look, they didn’t acknowledge the shell
James had become.

So, Sirius wasn’t expecting James to speak, and he almost didn’t catch the words when James
opened his mouth, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I don’t want to be far just, sometimes…” he started voice ragged. “Breathing hurts. Every
time I inhale It’s like I can feel the screaming in my lungs. Feel their hands on my wrists. I
feel I shouldn’t breathe when dead people don’t.”

It was an admission James had never given before, he’d never even acknowledged his
obvious pain and Sirius didn’t know what to say. Remus was the one who was good with
words, who knew how to comfort and offer warmth. Sirius tended to clumsily screw things
up. But, this was James, Sirius understood James better than anyone else, even now. Even
with the gaps between them and questions Sirius didn’t know how to ask.

“You’re not to blame for living,” Sirius told him quietly. “You weren’t the one who killed
anyone.”

James’s brow furrowed and Sirius thought he must have said the wrong thing, of course.

Even so, James didn’t turn away yet. “Not on purpose,” he said, his hands curling into fists.
“I should have done so much differently. I had the chance; I could have left.”

Sirius thought he’d understood what James was talking about up until that point, the grief
over the people they’d lost, his parents, Dorcas, Marlene, Frank, and Alice… but his last few
words didn’t match up quite right.

“Left?”

James nodded looking far away again. “I thought about leaving. I agreed to join the order in
fifth year. I knew I had to, it was the right thing, but after… I changed my mind. I didn’t want
to do it anymore, I didn’t want to give up what I had. If I was just a little more selfish I would
have left, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t and now where are we? I thought I was being a good
person by staying, I just wanted to be good.”

Sirius had no idea why James thought leaving would have changed things, why he would
have wanted to in the first place, but Sirius didn’t think his questions would be answered. He
pushed them aside nudging James’s shoulder. “You are good, James. You always have been
and always will be, you care so deeply about everyone.”

“Okay,” James replied quietly, looking away.

Sirius knew he hadn’t convinced him one bit.

--

“Moony?”

“Hm…” Remus shifted sleepily; his voice muffled by his pillow.

“Remus,” Sirius said more insistently, and this time Remus immediately sat up.

“What’s wrong?” The sleep seemed to melt from his form as he surveyed Sirius in the dark.
“Sirius?”

“It’s about James.”

“Is he okay?”

“He’s never okay,” Sirius didn’t expect his voice to break, and he was surprised to feel
overwhelming anguish build in his throat at the words.

Remus scooted forward, grabbing Sirius’s wrist and pulling him onto the bed. “Sirius…”
Remus said gently cupping his face as he took a deep breath trying to steady himself.

“I- I talked to him today,” Sirius started when he could choke out words around the lump in
his throat. “Like really talked about you know… how he’s been.”

Remus’s eyes widened slightly. “What did he say?”

“He- he said he doesn’t think he should breathe when dead people don’t, I thought he was
just talking about grief, it’s awful but it makes sense, you know? Then he started saying
things I couldn’t make sense of. About how he wanted to run before we got involved in the
war, that he thought if he had things would have been better. He seems to be convinced that
he isn’t a good person. I can’t figure out what gave him that idea. And the running away? It
doesn’t make sense, James wanted to join the Order just as much as I did.”

“Yes,” Remus said slowly, his brow furrowing. Sirius wondered what kind of pieces he was
examining in his mind. “In fifth year, but the end of sixth year… well don’t you remember
how strange James was? He... lost some of his passion for it.”

“Strange?”

“Yeah, Padfoot, he wasn’t himself for a while... He was quieter, staying up late, sneaking
around.”

“Yeah, he was sneaking around with some bird,” Sirius said remembering, they’d all teased
James about it relentlessly.

“It seemed like more than that, don’t you remember that time when he wouldn’t get out of
bed for a week?”

“He was sick.”

“Maybe,” Remus said in a way that Sirius knew meant he disagreed entirely.

“Fine, Moony,” Sirius crossed his arms. “Then what do you think it was?”

“I think something happened, whether he was sneaking around with a girl or not, something
made him question his place in the Order. Before the rest of us knew how bad it’d be, joining
the war…somehow James caught a glimpse of it and he thought of leaving. If I’d known
what I know now then, hell Sirius, I’d consider running in the other direction too.”
“I don’t blame him for that!” Sirius insisted. “I’m surprised he’d considered running, not
upset. Maybe I would have been then, but he didn’t leave and I can’t fault him for
considering it.”

“I didn’t say you blamed him.”

“Then what are you saying?”

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, face screwing up in obvious pain as he sighed. Despite
his irritation, Sirius couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Remus’s hand as it fell from his
face. The full moon was soon, and Sirius could read the heavy ache in Remus’s shoulder.

Remus looked down as Sirius squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. “Look,” he said
quietly. “I think we all have a tendency, but you especially, to put James on a pedestal. I get
it, James is one of the brightest, and warmest people in the world… but sometimes that
becomes expecting him to always be the brightest and the warmest. You know, before the
war, I’d only seen James upset once. He never snapped in school, he didn’t cry or mope, or
show any of that teenage angst everyone felt.”

“Wait, what are you talking about? When did you see him upset?”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It was the end of sixth year, I’d come back to our room
because I left a textbook that morning and James was there, sitting on his bed just staring. I’d
never seen him so blank and lifeless; it scared me and I immediately went over. When I asked
him what was wrong he just started sobbing. I’d never even seen him cry before. I just
hugged him for a long time until he stopped, he wouldn’t tell me what happened and begged
me not to say anything. But I’m telling you, there was something going on in school. I know
it’s easier for you to imagine James going through as little pain as possible, but if you expect
him to open up one day, you have to allow him to be screwed up sometimes.”

“I- I just wish I could keep any pain from him,” Sirius admitted trying not to imagine James
Potter sobbing.
“I think it’s too late for that.”

Sirius tried not to let Remus’s words pull him into a world of doubt. He knew his best friend,
right?

--

When the puzzle piece clicked into place, it was a normal Sunday morning.

Remus, overcome with guilt for not visiting the Potter-Evans household in weeks, had let
Sirius convince him to come over for breakfast. For once, Remus tried to put his work aside
and spend time with his family.

Despite the itch to go back home to his study and continue working, Remus resisted, forcing
himself to stay seated. Harry was at the table entertaining himself by playing with a piece of
celery, Lily and Sirius were chatting easily about some radio show they both listened to, and
James was reading, quill between his finger as he focused on the page.

The house was bright with sunlight and warm with the smell of the pancakes they’d had for
breakfast. Remus allowed himself to lean back in his chair and enjoy the easy Sunday
morning with the people he loved. As Remus studied them all his eyes fell back to James
who was doodling in the margins of his book absentmindedly. Remus wondered how he got
any reading done at all when he was focused on drawing a horde of little snitches.

Remus smiled slightly in amusement at the doodles and then suddenly he froze.

Click.

Yes, there it was.

“James.”
James looked up immediately, clearly sensing something in Remus’s voice. “What?”

“Did you lose a book?” he asked slowly.

“Huh? No...” James said his brow furrowing in confusion.

“You’re sure about that?”

“Of course,” he frowned.

“I found one though, I think belongs to you.”

“Remus…” James shook his head, “I haven't lost anything, it isn’t mine.”

Remus grabbed his bag from under the table pulling out the copy of The Iliad he’d for some
reason kept with him since Italy. It’d felt almost wrong to let go of. He set it on the table in
front of James and he froze.

Sirius and Lily seemed to have realized something was going on because their conversation
had tapered off as James choked on a gasp.

“This isn’t mine,” James said quickly.

“I know it is,” Remus said simply, opening it up to a random page that was of course, filled
with quidditch doodles. “I hadn’t realized you were into mythology, but it makes sense,
doesn’t it? Considering the company you kept.”
James was out of his chair in an instant slamming the book closed. “Don’t,” he hissed eyes
flashing angrily. Remus thought it might have been one of the first times he’d ever seen
James truly angry. “You don’t know anything about it.”

Remus thought of Regulus’s dedication on the front page, the way he’d reached so
involuntarily for the book when he’d seen it. The tone of his voice when he’d told Remus that
Snape hadn’t told Regulus about the prank… no, James had.

James had read books that Regulus Black gifted him, told him secrets, kept him close to his
chest, and never breathed a single fucking word. All these years, secret after secret…

James Potter who was permanently changed, who floated around like a ghost. Who on the
same month every year was swallowed by pain, barely present, barely breathing. The exact
month that Regulus Black died. Or pretended to, at least.

Pandora had said it, Regulus had a boy, someone on the opposite side of the war.

Click, click.

Everything made sense.

That boy was James. James had loved Regulus, James had left him…

James had dreamed of being selfish, of running away so he could keep someone he wasn’t
supposed to have. James had sobbed in Remus’s arms at the end of sixth year and the next,
Regulus didn’t come back. James hadn’t been fazed when he found out Sirius and Remus
were queer because… he was too.

James Potter thought he was a bad person because he had loved a bad person.
“I know a few things,” Remus said finally, James just stared, his expression an impenetrable
wall. Despite his anger at James for lying for so long, Remus knew he didn’t know the story
so he stopped the anger from creeping up his throat. “Maybe we should talk outside.”

It was an olive branch, a promise. Remus wasn’t about to shout this out in front of Sirius.
That was a bomb that was best not set off at the moment.

James just turned stalking off towards the back door. Remus hesitated for a moment before
grabbing The Iliad and following after him, ignoring Sirius’s questioning look.

Remus closed the back door behind him as he slipped out onto the porch. It was a little chilly
despite the sun and he tried not to shiver. Remus cast a muttered muffliato before facing
James.

They faced off for a moment James’s shoulders were stiff, his jaw clenched.

“I won’t tell Sirius,” Remus said finally.

“Really…” James muttered looking unconvinced.

“It isn’t mine to tell, but obviously I don’t support you keeping it from him. You should tell
him.”

James laughed bitterly. “Why? What’s the point?”

“He’s your best friend.”

“Yeah, and he’ll never forgive me. I knew, I- I had my chance to turn back and I fucked up
and I’ve always known. He’ll never forgive me.”
The thing was, Remus had no idea if James was right or not. Sirius was volatile at times and
unpredictable, even all these years later. It was possible Sirius valued James more than that
and would eventually learn to get past it, it was also just as likely that he’d never let it go and
hate James forever.

James just huffed at Remus’s silence. Remus, who felt he was not equipped to handle this
rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “I- I don’t understand James, I mean… how did this even
happen.”

“It wasn’t supposed to,” James muttered his voice small. “I smiled at him. He fell off his
broom and I helped him, I smiled. I wouldn’t have, except I had this idea that I could get him
and Sirius to talk. It was the beginning of fifth year, Sirius had run away that summer… so I
smiled. He didn’t smile back, of course not. Somehow that was worse.”

“So what… you're telling me that was that?”

James just shrugged. “You don’t get it, of course you don’t. Yes, that was that. As soon as he
looked up at me—” he choked on the last word swallowing hard “I was just… it was over, I
was never going to be able to let it go.”

And Remus didn’t get it, not at all. How could James have risked everything for somebody
like Regulus Black?

“But you did, didn’t you?” Remus insisted.

James’s fingers clenched into a fist. “You can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to be kept.
He was so sure. I knew he didn’t want it, I- but it didn’t matter. He didn’t know it.”

“He was a Death Eater James, do you really believe he was good?”

James just shook his head. “He could have been,” he muttered, and Remus was surprised that
it was the same sentiment Pandora had expressed. That underneath all the sharp coldness,
Regulus Black had the capacity for good.

It wasn’t a nice feeling that stabbed sharply at his lungs as Remus realized, he might be the
only person on earth who had the chance to find out.

He was afraid of the answer. Remus thought that maybe it was a good thing he was
physically incapable of telling anyone Regulus was alive. He didn’t know how James could
live with himself if he turned out to be wrong.

That night Sirius clearly had questions. “What was the stuff about with James today?” Sirius
asked quietly as Remus was drifting off to sleep.

Remus reached out, shifting closer so Sirius could rest his head on Remus’s chest. He pressed
a kiss to Sirius’s hair, breathing in the familiar smell that was so distinctly Sirius. Remus tried
to ignore the guilt wrapping its claws around his heart.

“I think James needs to tell you that but… just give him time Pads.”

Sirius shifted clearly unhappy with the answer, but he didn’t say a word, that was worse.
Remus tried not to choke on his guilt. It wasn’t working.

--

Contrary to popular belief, James Potter was not stupid. Reckless maybe, formerly blind and
naïve, but not daft.

He had no delusions. Not about himself, not his life. Certainly not—

Well, James still found it hard to even think of his name. But him… Regulus.
Regulus.

No, James was not an idiot. He’d known, probably from the moment he’d looked down into
those angry flashing eyes and realized for the first time, that Regulus was more than the
perfectly carved sculpture he pretended to be.

He’d paid very little thought to Regulus Black up until that point. At first, he was just Sirius’s
annoying little brother, then he was Sirius’s asshole little brother. James hadn’t considered
Regulus much, not until he decided Sirius needed a chance to confront him. James had been
angry, how dare Regulus care so little for Sirius? How could he let their parents hurt him?

Then, Regulus looked up. Arm cradled where he’d clearly hurt it when he fell, hair curling in
the damp night. There were drops of water on his lashes as his mouth twisted up in a scowl.
When James had offered him a hand he’d looked at it angrily, as if no one had ever done such
a thing before. James would realize eventually, it was likely no one had, not since Sirius at
least.

James hadn’t been lying to Remus, as soon as the thought struck him that Regulus Black was
like everyone else, so very human, he could never have let it go. So, James kept coming back
to the pitch to watch Regulus fly, he never fell again, but James doubted Regulus would have
let James help him up.

It may have been better if he’d been delusional. If James had believed that Regulus would
change, that he wanted to change. Regulus… well, James never knew what he wanted, not
really.

He’d never say, and if he did say anything, it was never what he meant.

It was always “I hate you, I hate you”. He only ever said love once. Not even “I love you”,
not a declaration, no… it was the sign-off of a letter James had promptly burned.

Love,

R.A.B
And James had choked.

He’d set the parchment on fire, watching it burn as a scream rose in his throat. Unfortunately,
he couldn’t unread it, couldn’t erase the words from his mind.

I wish there was something I could offer you, but I’m all out of that and I think you’re better
off not taking anything from me. Truthfully, I’m glad you left. I wouldn’t want you to see me
like this. I think this is better. It is. Selfishly though, I’m glad to know that at least there’s one
person in the world who wanted me. If it was anyone, I’m glad it was you.

James had screamed once the ash had fluttered to the dusty floor. He’d sobbed until he was
shaking, head pounding.

Then James had stood. He’d dropped The Iliad on Regulus’s desk, covering it with a pile of
other books, and stepping over the ash, he’d closed the door of Regulus’s messy library.

And so, with a bang as the doors of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place slammed shut, James
erased the last piece of Regulus Black he had left.

He hadn’t known how Regulus knew he would come or when he’d changed the wards to let
him in. Was it before he had lost his mind, or was it because of it? Either way, James Potter
had assumed it unlikely that anyone would ever step foot in that awful place again. The
Blacks were dead, and Sirius would never return.

James hadn’t figured in the things Sirius would do for Remus.

So, now James was once again choking, the book he’d tried to discard sitting on his lap.

Lily walked into the room with Harry on her hip, the sun was setting through the window
painting her bright hair alight. Harry smiled brightly when he spotted his father and James’s
 fingers clenched around the book.

Lips thinning, Lily’s gaze flicked down to his hands and back.

“You know, you can talk to me about anything?” Lily said softly, brow creased.

James only stared at her for a long moment before nodding.

It hurt.

He regretted ever offering Regulus his hand, and he regretted not choosing him as well. He
regretted the choice that led him here, in a heavily warded house with his son and girlfriend.
Yet at the same time looking at Harry’s little smile, how could James possibly regret this?

At the end of the day, James thought no matter what he’d done, it would have been the wrong
decision.

Chapter End Notes

Editing this from class because who's going to stop me? Fall semester is almost over and
I have no more patience.

Next update will be either Saturday or Sunday, thank you for all the comments and
support thus far!

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Five
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Italy

1982

Regulus Black found Remus Lupin two months after the werewolf had stumbled into his
apothecary. It wasn’t hard, a few spells and a coded message. Regulus knew Lupin would
come running once he heard word, he was right. Not two days later he was standing on the
other side of the apothecary’s counter, arms crossed.

“So?” he raised an eyebrow.

Regulus just waved his wand, locking the shop and pulling down the blinds. “Come on,” he
waved Lupin back into his study.

“What have you found?” Regulus asked, letting his glamour fall once the door fell shut.

“You can destroy a Horcrux with Basilisk venom.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I know. Unless you happen to have some on hand that’s entirely
unhelpful.”

Lupin sighed heavily, clearly expecting the dismissal. “There are two other items Voldemort
might have used for his Horcruxes, Ravenclaw’s diadem and the sword of Gryffindor.”
“The diadem has been lost for centuries,” Regulus said unimpressed. “What about the
sword?”

“Actually,” Lupin started, “I think Dumbledore has it, I caught of glimpse of it in his office
once.”

“Could we get it from him?”

“He’d never agree to hand it over, not if he didn’t know what we’re doing, and even then
he’d want to be involved. But would Voldemort really put his Horcrux in the sword?”

Regulus considered this for a moment, the truth was if the Dark Lord committed to
something, nothing would get in his way. The question was whether he’d managed to make
the sword a Horcrux yet… he wouldn't leave a founder's item untouched if he could help it.
“We have to find out.” Regulus shrugged.

“How?” Lupin scoffed incredulously. “Break into his office?” Regulus just raised an eyebrow
and Lupin froze, mouth falling open. “No way, that’s not possible.”

“We’ll find out, I suppose. But as of right now, that isn’t our top priority. I think getting
Hufflepuff’s cup is where we should start, it was left in my family’s vaults. Unfortunately,
now that all the Blacks are dead he may have moved it. The good news is it’s likely he moved
it to another secure vault, likely the Lestrange’s or maybe even the Malfoy’s, but Bella is my
bet.”

“Oh, so our options are break into Gringotts or break into Hogwarts?”

“Either that or somehow steal the diary out from under the Dark Lord.”

“So basically, we’re fucked,” Lupin grimaced.

“Not entirely so, I may have a way to destroy the Horcruxes.”

Lupin frowned. “Since when?”

“Well it’s not foolproof, I’ve had the idea in the works for a long time, Fiendfyre destroys
Horcruxes.”

“Fiendfyre can’t be controlled,” Lupin countered. “It’s too dangerous.”

“Ah, well that’s what I want to take care of.”

“The notes in your books…” Lupin said slowly in realization. “You want to modify it?”

“Not the fyre itself, not exactly. I only want to leave a space in the magic, so that another
spell could contain it.”

“What other spell?”

“Well, that’s the tricky part, isn’t it? Whatever we create has to be perfect. It has to fit
seamlessly into the original frame of the magic so the ability of the fyre isn’t altered.”

“…So, you wouldn’t really be changing the spell itself, just making room for another one.
Wow,” Lupin breathed, “that’s brilliant.”

Regulus didn’t smile, but he almost considered it for a moment.

--
Knowing what he now did, Remus was trying to see Regulus in a different light. To imagine
whatever James had seen. He couldn’t.

Regulus had run his fingers through his hair a few too many times while they worked and it
was messy, curls falling into his eyes which he kept pushing away. He was rolling his quill
between his fingers, staring intently at the spell book he was reading. He didn’t look like the
old Regulus from school, but he didn’t look like someone James Potter would throw
everything away for.

Remus didn’t know what had possessed him to say it, but they’d been working for hours,
pouring over texts and exchanging an occasional few words. Otherwise, it was silent, and
Remus needed a break. So he sat forward.

“Why James?”

It had the intended effect, Regulus sat up quickly, spine straightening, quill falling from his
hand.

“What?” His voice was steady and calm, but his eyes were hard, blazing in a challenge.

Remus still wasn’t entirely convinced about the nature of that relationship. Sure, James had
talked seriously about Regulus. Obviously, James loved him, but did Regulus ever feel the
same? Remus knew love, he tried to imagine doing to Sirius what Regulus had done,
pretending to be dead, letting his lover spend years in pain. He wasn’t sure he ever could do
it, hurt Sirius like that. If Regulus actually loved James, he wouldn’t have hurt him in such a
way. So maybe he cared, but Remus couldn’t believe that Regulus Black loved James Potter.

“James told me. Well, after I figured it out. He draws in the margins of his books, I
recognized it from the book that you’d gifted your lover. Funny that,” he shook his head.
“Out of all the people in the world, and you managed James Potter…”

“I don’t need to hear you wax poetic about his virtues or my shortcomings,” Regulus
scowled.
“I’m not, James isn’t perfect. But you didn’t deserve him either.” Regulus opened his mouth
the speak but Remus held up a hand quickly cutting him off. “And,” he began, “I’m not
saying this because you’re a Death Eater or a blood supremacist, though I’ll say neither helps
your case. You hurt him, multiple times and quite severely, from what I understand. James
loves with every single bit of himself, he’d have given up everything for you.”

“You don’t get to tell me about James,” Regulus said coldly.

Remus could have argued, he wanted to. Of course, Remus could, he was the one who’d been
best friends with James since they were eleven. He was by James’s side all these years while
Regulus had faked his death and fucked off to the middle-of-nowhere-Italy. However, Remus
bit his tongue. He couldn’t burn his bridges, he knew Regulus wouldn’t hesitate to break off
their tentative deal. Regulus had hit the nail on the head when he’d said that he had nothing
to lose and Remus had everything. He was trapped and Regulus knew it.

“But why him?” Remus asked finally, trying for some semblance of nonchalance. Attempting
to kill the sharpness on his tongue.

Regulus didn’t answer, eyes fixed on his book. Remus waited for a long moment but the
other man didn’t look up and eventually, Remus turned back to his own work. The study was
quiet, the only sound the occasional turn of a page or scratch of a quill. He thought the
conversation to be over, so it startled Remus when Regulus spoke suddenly.

“I don’t know.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know why it was him.”

Remus blinked. Regulus’s gaze was still purposefully downcast, and he gave no further
acknowledgment to the words or Remus’s presence. Yet, Remus recognized an admission, an
offering of honesty.
“Would you have chosen him?” Remus asked carefully, his words tentative. He didn’t want to
pry too much, lest Regulus snap.

“No,” Regulus said simply. He didn’t elaborate, he didn’t need to. It answered Remus’s
question. Of course… James would have chosen Regulus, but Regulus would have never
done the same.

--

It happened like this. Three simple facts:

Regulus Black was fourteen, he liked flying, he couldn’t breathe.

What a silly thing, it had seemed inconsequential, really. Living was heavy, weighing on his
lungs. Sirius had run away that summer and Regulus knew he was well and truly alone. So,
he’d fly. It helped with the breathing thing. For just a moment, it would help him feel alive
again. Nothing else made him feel that way, not until James Potter.

It was stupid how it’d happened really. Regulus had fallen. For a brief second, he’d thought
that was how he would die. A shameful death, his parents would have been disappointed.
Sometimes he’d look back and wish he'd died, how much easier that would have been. But
he’d lived, managing only a broken wrist, and then there was James Potter, reaching out a
concerned hand.

Regulus should have turned away and never looked back, but James had smiled. As if
Regulus were a person, like he was somebody who was visible. Regulus had never really
been seen before. He could pinpoint the exact moment on the quidditch pitch that they had
been pushed into motion, but after that was a blur. It was as if one minute he was giving
James just that tiny inch, and the next he was selling his soul.

The next, he was standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, fifteen, the feeling of James's
finger etched into his wrist. He couldn’t figure out how they’d gotten there.
The dirt was damp from the spring showers, and leaves beginning to grow on the branches,
closing them off from the sky. No one could see, no one would ever know.

“We could leave,” James had said, voice hollow, fingers tight around Regulus’s wrist. His
eyes were fixed on a point over Regulus’s shoulder, refusing to meet his gaze.

“No.”

“You didn’t even consider it.”

“No,” Regulus had repeated. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it before. My answer is
no.”

“You don’t have to do this, Reg. It’s not too late.”

“I think it is.”

James was silent, eyes flicking to Regulus’s face. Then he’d stepped back, let go.

And that was it.

They’d stood there, at the edge of the forest. Silence eating the space between them and then
James turned. Regulus had closed his eyes, he couldn’t watch him go. When he’d opened
them he’d been alone, that was the last time he’d ever seen James Potter.

--
Half of Sirius’s friends were dead. He tried not to think about it, really. Sometimes, he
succeeded.

Because the thing was, Sirius Black was very familiar with survivor’s guilt. He never would
have admitted it to a soul, but he woke up in a sweat most nights since he was sixteen.

Regulus hadn’t seemed so young at the time, he’d been fourteen, and Sirius was barely any
older. If Sirius could handle such grown-up things, surely Regulus didn’t need to be coddled.
So Sirius hadn’t. His brother was already growing into someone he didn’t like, Sirius had
tried in vain to pull him away from their parent’s beliefs. He never tried to understand, never
looked to see why Regulus would want to stay. In Sirius’s mind, he was just like them. No
matter that for so long, Sirius had been convinced that the Black Brothers were the same, that
in his soul, Regulus Black was a person who was not predisposed to violence and hatred.
He’d been wrong, that was evident. Above all, Regulus was a coward. An idiot who couldn’t
say no to their parents, couldn’t say no to Voldemort, couldn’t lift a hand to change any of it.

Sirius had hated his brother. He still did, but the older he got, the harder it was not to think
too hard, not to fall into the depths of something almost like empathy… it made him feel sick
sometimes.

Because the… thing? It was harder to think of Regulus as the bad guy now, when he was an
adult and the Regulus in his memories was fourteen. Fourteen. And Reggie hadn’t ever been
bold or brave, even as a toddler, he was careful and quiet. Smart and thoughtful to match
Sirius’s reckless impulsivity. They’d been a team as children, before Hogwarts when all they
had was each other. If things had been different, Sirius thought the two of them could have
taken on the world together.

But they weren’t different. They weren’t, and so Sirius Black still woke choking on the guilt.
Regulus’s scowl, dark eyes, so young and so angry.

“I won’t leave,” Regulus had said, fingers twisting into a fist, like he wanted to punch Sirius,
or maybe grab him.

“Why? I’m going, just come with me.”

“I can’t go.”

“You can,” Sirius had insisted stubbornly.

“There’s no place for me.”

“You can come to the Potter’s, they’ll take care of you too!”

“I’m not going to take your scraps.”

“Scraps?” Sirius had scoffed. “You know what? You’re an ungrateful coward. I’m giving you
the chance to leave!”

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

“Of course, you do."

“If you don’t leave in the next ten seconds I’ll call Mother,” Regulus had threatened, and so
without another word, Sirius had turned and never looked back.

Well, not until now. Not until years later, caught in the grips of a war Sirius had stopped
imagining an end to. Now, he thought of that night, the snip of the last thread tying the Black
brothers together.

There’s no place for me.

Sirius had taken it literally. That Regulus was saying he had no place to go or there wouldn’t
be enough space. Sirius was less sure that was what he’d meant now. He’d known a rift had
grown between them, long before then, since he started Hogwarts really. Sirius had needed
the space, needed to become his own person. Somewhere in his freedom, he had completely
given up on his brother. Not that Regulus’s behavior hadn’t warranted that, but Sirius
wondered sometimes if he could have changed things.

He never forgot that moment of turning his back. He remembered winter holidays of sixth
year, Regulus had come back wearing gloves. Regulus hated the feeling of gloves and had
always tried to get out of wearing them. So Sirius knew what it meant, he knew as he’d
watched Regulus in the Great Hall, grabbing for everything with his left hand. That was the
first time the guilt had hit him.

Sirius was free and his brother was still hiding injuries. It’d hit him so hard that Sirius had
run right out of the Great Hall. Moony and Prongs had followed, of course, squeezing his
shoulder while Sirius had thrown up in a bathroom stall.

He knew he’d tried, he knew Regulus hadn’t wanted to leave. Still, he felt guilty. It made him
hate his brother even more, how dare he be hurt and suffering when he had done it to himself.
How dare he make Sirius feel bad for it.

Yet, he still did.

He felt bad, even when he hated his spineless cowardly brother.

Sirius felt bad every time he thought about his dead friends, all the people who he’d shared
breath and laughter and love with, dead. Effie, Monty, Marlene, Dorcas, Frank, Alice…
Regulus. All dead. Yet, here Sirius was, alone in his dark house, feeling sorry for himself
because Remus was still gone, and he was lonely.

But he was alive, so what right did he have to complain?

Italy

1982
 ~

“Dumbledore is suspicious.”

Regulus looked up from the wards he’d been inspecting. “So you’ve mentioned.”

Remus crossed his arms trying to trap some heat in. Summer had bled away quickly this year
and the biting October chill stung at his face in the late night. “He knows I’ve found
something, he knows I’ve been leaving the country. I have to tell him something.”

“You can’t stall any longer?” Regulus asked, he was wearing his glamour since they were
outside, but Remus had spent enough time with him by now that he barely even saw it. The
arch of his eyebrow was every bit Regulus Black, and the other face barely registered.

“No, we’re all required to go to an Order meeting next week. Dumbledore made it clear that
he expects to hear something from me. I can’t tell the truth, but I can’t miss the meeting
either, they’ll know something is going on.”

Regulus frowned, prodding at the air with his wand. The wards lit up under his touch and he
sighed. “This is shit,” he waved his wand to redo it.

“The spell is fine.”

“If you want to burn to death, sure.”

“Might not be the worst way to go.”

Regulus said nothing, which Remus was growing used to. He often didn’t deign things like
conversation with Remus to be worth the effort. Really, Remus didn’t mind, it stopped them
from fighting. It took a great deal of daily restraint not to curse the younger Black, he was
truly an insufferable person.
“You’ll want to find a way to control the situation.”

That was another thing Remus had learned, Regulus spent a lot of time in his head. He
thought most things over before saying them which tended to lead to stunted conversations
and topic-jumping that seemed almost random. Knowing this, however, it only took Remus a
moment to realize that Regulus was talking about Dumbledore again.

“How so?”

“Go to the meeting, give them something to tide Dumbledore over or create a distraction.
Buy some time.”

“I don’t like lying to him.”

“Then don’t,” Regulus said simply.

Remus frowned considering. “…What if I told everyone about you? Not that you’re alive of
course, but that you found a weakness, that you defected. Dumbledore will understand it
means you found out about Horcruxes and everyone else will be too surprised by the news to
look any further.”

“I didn’t defect,” Regulus said firmly. “And Dumbledore already knows.”

“What? How?”

“I sent him some information before I... disappeared.”

“Information?” Remus repeated slowly.

“Yes, it doesn’t matter.” Regulus shrugged. “But if you make enough of a scene, it’ll still
work. No one else knows. Just plan your words carefully.”

“How should I say I found out about it? The truth?”

“Don’t mention Pandora specifically, don’t bring her name into it.”

“Okay,” Remus agreed, trying to imagine how he could pull off deceiving Dumbledore.

“I think we need another anchor point for the wards.”

Remus sighed, turning to look at the two large metal poles they’d placed to try to create a
shield to control the fiendfyre, so far, it wasn’t working.

“Maybe we need a different material.”

“There’s practically nothing that’s a stronger conductor,” Regulus shook his head, he
followed Remus’s gaze eyeing the poles as well. He bit his lip as he thought. “Well, maybe
bone.”

“Bone?” Remus asked his voice rising slightly in alarm. “I hardly think that adding more
dark magic into the process of fiendfyre is helpful.”

“Bone isn’t inherently dark,” Regulus scowled. “I’m not suggesting we kill a person and take
their bones. In fact, it’d probably be best from a creature as far from dark magic as you can
get. Might help combat the uncontrollable nature of the fyre.”

“What kind of creature? A unicorn?”

“Actually, that might work,” Regulus spun to face him. “I forget you’re smart.”

Remus ignored the insult. “Okay, so where does one find a unicorn bone? We can’t kill one.”

To Remus’s surprise, Regulus’s mouth fell open in horror at the mere mention of such a
thing. “Of course, we cannot fucking kill a unicorn, Lupin, even the suggestion is atrocious.
No, I’ll find a bone from one that is long dead, and hopefully died peacefully and
comfortably.”

Remus raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Regulus,” he said dryly, a smirk forming. “Do you
like unicorns?”

“Everyone likes unicorns,” Regulus muttered under his breath and Remus just laughed at the
slight pinkness of his cheeks.

Who would have thought, the cold and cruel Regulus Black to be a unicorn lover?

The amusement was almost enough to replace the anxiety over facing Dumbledore for a brief
moment.

Order of the Phoenix Headquarters

1982

Remus was late as the Order’s headquarters of the month appeared before him. He cursed
under his breath hurrying up the porch and knocking at the door.
“Name,” a voice called through the door.

“It’s Remus Lupin.”

There was the sound of slight scuffling before another voice asked: “What was the secret you
told me in fourth year after the thing with herbology?”

Remus sighed recognizing James’s voice and his attempt to embarrass him. “That I wet the
bed until I was seven,” he scowled.

A second later the door opened to reveal a grinning James Potter and an unamused Mad-Eye
Moody

“Alright, Moony?” James asked stepping aside to let him in.

“You’re late,” Mad-Eye growled.

Remus just waved his hand at both in response, following them into a busy dining room
where everyone was seated around a long table.

It wasn’t as packed as it used to be, a little voice reminded Remus and he brushed it off. Yes,
a lot of them were dead, best to dwell on that another time.

Remus took the empty seat between Sirius and James. Sirius squeezed Remus’s thigh under
the table as he sat down and he tried to swallow down the guilt. It’d been weeks since they’d
seen each other. Remus briefly covered Sirius’s hand with his own, twining their fingers
together for a moment before letting go and turning his attention to the head of the table
where Dumbledore was calling them all to attention.
Things started off as they always did, updates of supplies, relief efforts, any successes, and
often quite a few failures. They’d lost one of their last high-ranking supporters at the
ministry, Voldemort had managed to recruit more students right out of Hogwarts, and
Dumbledore who by the skin of his teeth was still in control of Hogwarts, wanted to make
muggle studies mandatory. He was convinced if they could nip prejudices in the bud, they’d
have a better chance of gaining support. Personally, Remus thought it was far too late for that,
but he nodded along anyway.

Eventually, they got to individual updates and Remus listened for a while, waiting for his
moment. Finally, after the Prewett twins were finished discussing a plan for new underground
safe houses, Remus spoke.

“I found something.”

Dumbledore’s intense gaze pinned Remus to his seat, but he knew the man would sniff a lie
out with so much as a second’s hesitation, so he didn’t falter. The room felt silent and heavy
and Dumbledore didn’t speak, so Remus quickly continued.

“A weakness, I can’t say specifics on what it is, but you know what I mean,” he nodded to
the headmaster.

“Yes,” Dumbledore said, his expression unreadable.

“The point,” Remus said carefully, “is Regulus Black.”

Remus felt Sirius stiffen to his side and saw James’s fingers go suddenly still on the other,
most peculiar though, was how Dumbledore seemed to pause. It was only for the briefest of
seconds before his face was clear and he was nodding, but it was enough to realize he knew
something. “What of him?” Dumbledore asked calmly.

“In my research recently, I stumbled across some of his books. I found some things didn’t
add up and did a little digging. After talking to someone he was formerly close to, I
discovered the strangest thing, that Regulus Black defected, it led to his death. That before he
died he found a weakness.”
There was a moment of silence before Sirius was standing up, pushing his chair out with a
bang, and storming out of the room. Guilt wrapped its grip around Remus’s heart, yet
something else formed there too, relief.

It’d had exactly the intended effect.

Regulus was very smart. The announcement created enough drama to cause a distraction
from anything else. Remus couldn’t have avoided this meeting, it would have painted him as
a traitor. This bought him time at least before anyone realized something was going on.

It was smart, except he hadn’t really thought long enough about the consequences.

Lily leaned around James who was staring at a blank stretch of wall, eyes glazed over, clearly
in his head. She flicked him only a slight look of concern before nudging Remus and nodding
towards the doorway Sirius had disappeared through.

Remus stood, swallowing his fear of the confrontation that was sure to happen with Sirius.
He glanced toward James as he left, but the man didn’t seem like he was about to have a
mental breakdown. In fact, despite his vacant stare, James didn’t seem all that surprised by
the news, it seemed more so that a mere mention of Regulus was enough to send James
pulling on his mental armor and disappearing into himself.

Deciding now was not the moment to dwell on that Remus quickly followed Sirius out.

When Remus found him, Sirius was standing outside, facing the empty road. The Order
headquarters were in the middle of nowhere. Stretching out around them was nothing but an
empty dirt drive and grassy hills, dead by the hand of the wet autumn chill. It reminded him
strangely of Regulus’s house. He’d only been a few times, but the place was small and
surprisingly cozy, surrounded by nature and pretty much nothing else.
“Sirius.”

Sirius didn’t turn, he didn’t even acknowledge Remus’s presence. He stood there for a long
moment unsure if he should say something more. All the years he’d known Sirius, Remus
still wasn’t sure how to handle his moods.

“How long have you known?” Sirius spoke, his voice hollow.

Remus took a step towards Sirius’s turned back. “It’s bigger than just you and him,” he said
slowly.

Sirius turned at that, mouth twisted into a cruel smile. “Oh?” He scoffed. “Is that so,
Remus?” Sirius almost always called him Moony, it wasn’t exactly unusual to use his name,
but now the sharp bite of it almost made him flinch.

Remus wasn’t sure how to respond to that and he tried to bite back the feeling building in his
throat at Sirius’s anger. He hated Sirius being mad at him, it wasn’t often that it happened
these days either. When they were younger, in Hogwarts, they’d fought constantly. They were
confused about their feelings for each other, always on the verge of a fistfight or maybe
finally resolving their sexual tension. Either way, James had spent years trying to stop fights,
acting as a mediator between them. That didn’t happen so much anymore, they’d fight sure,
but not like in school. Not the blow-ups and weeks of cold shoulders and whispered insults.

Remus could feel it brewing now, in the twist of Sirius’s mouth, the coldness of his eyes. It
reminded him so strangely of Regulus, the lingering anger that seemed to lurk in the tense
lines of his shoulders. Before spending so much time with Regulus Black, he’d never really
seen much resemblance between the two brothers, aside from their matching dark curls and
stormy Black family eyes. Now, Remus recognized the matching stain of their childhood on
both of them.

“What, you don’t have anything to say for yourself?” Sirius asked accusingly.

Remus just shrugged, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat and Sirius laughed
bitterly.
“How long have you known?”

“I- I wasn’t sure Sirius… I found some of his writings in his books and I just started digging.
I didn’t want to open old wounds—”

“You don’t get to decide that,” Sirius cut him off swiftly. “You’re telling me my Death Eater,
coward little brother died to stop Voldemort? Do you understand how many fucking years—”
Sirius's voice broke and he froze like he hadn’t been expecting it. "How am I supposed to
deal with the fact that he’s dead now knowing…”

Sirius didn’t seem to be able to finish his sentence, but Remus understood what he was trying
to say. Sirius could be fine with his brother’s death if he thought of him as a monster or a
villain, even a little bit of a grey area and it threw everything on its head. Sirius relied on that
spite and hatred to avoid any grief. Now everything Sirius thought he knew had just come
tumbling down. On top of that, it was Remus who’d done it, something Sirius no doubt saw
as a betrayal.

“Padfoot—”

“No,” Sirius snapped, “I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want to hear another
fucking word. You’ve been gone for weeks at a time, and when you’re home you barely even
acknowledge me. Now you’re back, spilling life-altering news about my brother without even
warning me first! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Hot shame rushed to Remus’s face under Sirius’s furious glare and he felt himself shrinking
back into himself. Sirius saw it too and he stepped back shaking with anger. He knew just as
well as Remus did that his absence of an argument meant Remus knew he’d been wrong.
When he believed in something he didn’t back down for anything. The silent admission, of
course, helped nothing. It only seemed to feed Sirius’s raging fury.

“I can’t even stand to look at you,” Sirius spat.

 Remus was afraid he’d do something mortifying like start crying so he spun on his heel and
quickly headed back towards the house.

“Everything okay?” Lily inquired as Remus stepped through the front door, cheeks flushed
from the cold.

“Fine,” Remus muttered pushing past her. He stopped at James at the table, fingers closing
around a smooth stone in his pocket. “You should talk to Sirius,”

James blinked up at him for a moment before shaking his head. “No.”

Remus resisted the urge to scowl, Regulus Black was going to ruin his fucking life.

Chapter End Notes

This chapter is very much the turning point, everything changes after this and I'm so
excited to share everything with you all!

Thanks as always for your kind comments I love reading them and I try to respond as
much as possible :))

Updating WEDNESDAY!

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 Chapter Six
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Italy

1982

It was late when the stone on his kitchen table began to glow faintly. Regulus frowned
snatching it up feeling the warmth in the palm of his hand. He'd given Lupin a similar one so
they could communicate easily.

Regulus moved to the door cautiously, wand concealed in his sleeve. When he opened it
Remus Lupin was standing on his front porch, shivering slightly.

“Yes?” Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“Can I come in?” Lupin muttered.

“When I gave you the means to contact me it was intended for emergencies.”

Lupin just sighed. He sounded so exhausted and beaten down, Regulus found himself doing
the unthinkable, taking pity on him. “Fine,” he scowled.

Lupin stepped inside rubbing his hands together. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“Don’t thank me Lupin,” Regulus said sharply, closing the door behind him and heading back
towards the kitchen.
Lupin followed on his heel. “Remus.”

Regulus turned to face him questioningly, stopping next to the kitchen table.

“My name,” Lupin elaborated. “Call me Remus, not Lupin.”

Regulus sighed. “Fine, Remus… Is this an emergency? If you’re going to intrude on my

space at least help me do some work.”

“I will,” Lupin- no Remus said, sitting down at the table. “We need to start moving soon.”

Regulus took his seat again, eyes flicking down to the parchment spread out in front of him.
“We haven’t perfected the spell, I’m not even sure it’ll work.”

“Dumbledore will be on my heels,” Remus said flatly. “The diversion worked, but I only just
managed to get out without him forcing me into a conversation. There will be discussion
among the rest of the order, they won’t be looking our way, but we can’t fool Dumbledore.
We need to get on the road and get things moving. Unless you want someone of
Dumbledore’s choosing to accompany us or even take over. I may not be able to tell him
about you, but he’s a very smart man.”

“We aren’t ready.”

“We can be, you’ve had years to prepare for this, Regulus.”

Regulus frowned crossing his arms. He couldn’t admit to Remus that he had become attached
to this place. He had a lingering fear at the back of his mind that if he left, he’d never return.
Regulus had never really had a home before, not at Hogwarts and certainly not at Grimmauld
Place. He wasn’t sure that Italy was exactly home either, but it was probably the closest he’d
ever had. His house was warm and comfortable, he had his shop and even some sort of
friends in Bea and Isa. He wanted to kick himself for getting comfortable, he wasn’t
supposed to.

“Maybe,” Regulus said finally. “We’ll go find the unicorn bone, see if it works to stabilize the
wards, and then we can finalize the spell and test it on the locket.”

“And then?”

“Then,” Regulus shrugged, “Horcrux hunting, the goblet is probably the best place to start, as
a Black, I may be able to get us into the vaults.” Regulus shrugged.

“Okay,” Remus said looking slightly pale.

“You realize what this means, right?” Regulus said sharply, he was fairly certain by the look
on Remus’s face that he did, but he felt the need to reiterate. “Once we leave you’re
essentially cutting all ties with the Order and everyone in it until we’ve destroyed all the
Horcruxes or died trying.”

“I know,” Remus said stiffly. “I don’t entirely agree with it, I feel this is a lot for just the two
of us to bite off. But I understand.”

“If,” Regulus said, “and only if, it came to us not being able to do it alone, I wouldn’t put my
own secrets over stopping the Dark Lord.”

“Okay,” Remus said simply, eyes falling to his hands on the table.

Regulus watched him for a second, never one that words came quickly to. “We can leave in
two days,” he started slowly. “I hope you said your goodbyes, you won’t be returning home
for some time.”
Remus’s gaze flicked up, his lips thinning in a frown. “You mean to Sirius,” he said his voice
flat. “How long have you known?”

“I didn’t, I suspected. I knew my brother once, though it feels like a lifetime ago,” Regulus
shrugged as if the thought didn’t fill him with a painful kind of nostalgia for a brother that
never really belonged to him. “I probably knew he had feelings for you before he did. Since
he was eleven. And then of course when you were older I always heard about—” he clammed
up suddenly, realizing what he’d been about to say. Something about the late night and
strange familiarity growing with Remus left him feeling far less guarded than he should.

Remus paused, head tilting in a way Regulus knew meant the gears in his head were
spinning. “James told you about us…” he said slowly. “We did a lot of fighting in school,
Sirius and I.”

Swallowing Regulus shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about James. In fact, Regulus usually
tried not to think of him, it was easier to never consider what he’d left behind. It was hard
with Remus there as a constant reminder. “Yes,” Regulus said finally. “It was hard on him,
always trying to take care of both of you.”

“Yeah,” Remus frowned. “I didn’t think about it much back then, but yeah, I can see now it
must have been.”

Standing without a word, Regulus pushed his chair in. “It’s late, I have a spare bedroom you
can stay in. Tomorrow, we’ll start preparing.”

“Okay.”

Regulus stopped in the doorway, for a moment before turning back to face Remus. “You have
a lot to lose,” he said slowly.

“I’d rather lose it fighting for something.”

Regulus surveyed him for a long moment. It was likely, Remus would lose it either way.
Even if he’d never agreed to help Regulus, the war would have taken everything, regardless.

He’d never been able to resonate with such a sentient before and he tried to imagine what it
might have been like if he was just a little more like Remus Lupin. If Regulus had been a
little more willing to fight before he’d already lost everything. Things might have turned out
differently.

__

Two days passed quickly.

Remus would have thought it would take longer to prepare for a trip they both knew it was
likely they might never return from. Yet, somehow, it was all strangely easy. He’d been right
to say Regulus had plenty of time to prepare, he knew exactly what they needed, how to wipe
any evidence from his house and his shop. He had exactly the right excuse for Isa and her
daughter Bea who to Remus’s surprise, Regulus seemed to have a close relationship with.
From there it was easy to pack the things they needed into bags and be on their way.

As they surveyed their supplies, shrunk and condensed down to two single bags, Remus
couldn’t help but feel as if he were standing on the edge of a precipice. He could practically
taste it, the energy humming around them, the calm before the storm.

They grabbed their respective bags and Regulus held an arm out. Remus only hesitated for a
second but Regulus noticed.

“This is it,” he said quietly.

Remus was surprised that rather than his usual no-nonsense attitude, Regulus seemed almost
sympathetic to Remus and everything he was leaving behind. He thought maybe, Regulus
knew what it was like.
“Yeah.”

Remus grabbed onto Regulus’s arm.

The dizzying, organ-crushing rush of the apparition pulled them under and Remus squeezed
his eyes shut as they jumped from place to place before suddenly tumbling out onto the wet
ground of a large forest. The earth was soft with leaves and mud under his feet and Remus
shook his head trying to clear away the disorienting feeling of being back on solid ground.

“You’re sure we’ll find a bone here?”

Regulus nodded distantly. “Muggles sighted and recorded unicorns all over the world, it can
be found as early as Mesopotamian artworks. They’re described in Chinese and Indian
myths, and in Greek writings and art. It’s interesting really, how much more perceptive
muggles are than we give them credit for. They weren’t getting these things from nowhere,
one of the eldest and largest families of unicorns has resided in China for centuries.”

Remus almost laughed as Regulus rattled off the information, he really did love unicorns. It
was almost endearing. (Almost) “Okay,” Remus told him biting back a smile. “I didn’t realize
unicorns could live in rainforests.”

“If you took the ones from Hogwarts and dropped them in a rainforest, they couldn’t. But this
family is born here and evolved to thrive in this environment. This is their home.” He glanced
up at the towering branches of the trees and vegetation above them.

It was intimidating, the space between them and the trees, blocking out everything but a few
slivers of the sky.

“You really think we’ll just stumble upon a bone?” Remus asked skeptically.

Regulus let out a long-suffering sigh, tearing his gaze from the obscured sky. “We’ve been
over this Remus,” he said, “if our intentions are truly good, yes.”
“Yes, but are they?”

Regulus shrugged like the answer didn’t matter, but his lips thinned in a slight frown. “I
guess we’ll find out.” He turned, hiking his bag further up on his shoulder. “Come on, this is
the biggest rainforest in China, it’ll take a while to find them and we don’t want to be
walking when it gets dark.”

__

Regulus was not pure.

He’d spent half his life being told he was. Being lectured with sharp words and a heavy hand
on all the ways he could be tainted, on the importance of avoiding it.

Purity, it haunted his dreams, pressing at the edges of his mind on any given day. It was to be
strived for, kept, and protected.

Sirius had never cared for the idea. He reveled in staining himself. Getting dirty and messy,
drinking, screaming, laughing too loud, moving too fast, and going through life with a
ferocious and bitter disregard for any sense of purity. He looked to the world and begged it to
ruin him.

As always, Regulus was the complete opposite of his brother. He was careful and quiet, he
never dirtied his hands once he learned better. He never took a step that wasn’t cautiously
thought out. Unlike Sirius who’d probably known from the beginning, he had no hope of ever
being pure, Regulus had been convinced for a very long time that his parents were right.

He remembered Cissa with her delicate hands, pale skin, and pink cheeks. He’d watched her
for years as a child. Learning how to be demure and perfect. Pure and untouched, he
remembered clearly, being ten years old, how she’d grabbed his face in his hands when she’d
noticed their similarity.
“You have to be untouchable,” she’d whispered, words barely louder than a breath, Regulus
had to lean close to hear. He remembered the sweet smell of her perfume and the brush of her
pale hair. “I was never destined to remain a Black. I’ll marry and carry on another pureblood
name. You are a Black and will always be. So do not bend, do not flinch. You cannot survive
the same way as I do, learn to be cold, it will serve you well.”

Regulus hadn’t understood then. He hadn’t at eleven either, not until his first week in
Slytherin, not until he was suddenly faced with the harsh reality of the Black name. He
wasn’t like Sirius he couldn’t simply throw off the expectations. So, he’d done as his cousin
said. He was cold and untouchable, he surveyed the world as if were beneath him. He was
pure. He was sure of it.

Until one day in third year after quidditch practice, the world had come crashing down
around him. Regulus was faced with the terrible, disgusting, and irrefutable realization that
he was queer.

He’d tried very hard to compensate. He’d become outwardly colder, crueler. But no amount
of blood purity could change the fact that as wizarding as his blood was, he liked boys.
Regulus was tainted. He’d held his hands in the air, gone through hell to keep them perfectly
pristine, yet they were dirty anyway.

He’d lived a long time with the knowledge that he was not pure, and certainly not good. He
had never exactly come to terms with it. Generally, it was best to just ignore the knowledge.
He had, until James came along. Even then, it was easier to just pretend it wasn’t happening.
Everything about James Potter was just so very boy. From the hard lines of his body to the
low timbre of his voice, even his smell was so distinctly boyish.

Regulus squeezed his eyes shut for a moment trying to banish the thought from his mind as
he took a deep breath. Thinking about James Potter’s body was absolutely the worst thing he
could be doing right now.

Opening his eyes, Regulus glanced at Remus Lupin who was walking beside him, sweating
slightly in the humidity. He seemed lost in thought, eyes wandering as they walked deeper
into the rainforest.
Regulus wondered if Remus had ever felt that way, he was gay, or at least some version of it.
Though, maybe for some people, it was easier to accept. Sirius probably found it easier, just
another thing that would make their parents roll over in their graves.

“What?”

Regulus blinked realizing he had been staring at Remus who was now looking at him
expectantly.

He shook his head quickly. “Nothing.”

Remus, as Regulus was learning was much sharper than he looked. Of course, he came across
as smart, but on first impression he seemed soft. He was not. No, Remus Lupin was all rough
edges and contained power lurking beneath warm eyes. He had a kindness to him but was not
to be messed with. Regulus was still slightly wary of him, and he forced himself to keep his
face smooth as Remus shot an unimpressed look his way.

“Out with it,” he said shaking his head. “We have a long walk, too much silence and we’ll go
insane.”

Regulus doubted that, but he just shrugged. “You’re…” he frowned unsure of how to word it.
“You’re with Sirius.”

“Yes,” Remus said shortly, looking uncertain of where this was heading.

“So, I mean- so you like…”

“Men?” Remus suggested looking amused. “Yes, I’m gay if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I suppose,” Regulus shrugged, “I knew that.”

“I know you did,” Remus said dryly. “Which is why I’d like to know where you’d really like
to go with this.”

“Was it hard?”

Remus glanced toward Regulus curiously. “What, being gay in general? Of course, it is,
things may be getting more progressive but it’s still not something you can safely shout from
the rooftops, is it?”

“I mean when you realized.”

“I’ve known since I was very young, probably nine or ten,” Remus shrugged. “I’ll be honest,
for most of my life the werewolf thing was a more pressing matter.” He grinned like that was
amusing. “What about you?”

Regulus didn’t bother denying any queerness, it was far too late for that where Remus was
concerned. “I mostly just didn’t think about it.”

“Never?” Remus arched an eyebrow.

“Never.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that. What, did you just pretend you weren’t fucking a boy?”

Regulus bristled slightly at Remus’s words. “I wasn’t.”

“Oh,” Remus scoffed. “You mean to say that you were sneaking around with James Potter of
all people, and he never wanted to have sex? I doubt that. Especially in school, that man was
a hormonal mess.”
Regulus stopped crossing his arms. “Excuse me? If I didn’t want to James wouldn’t have—”
he frowned. “He wouldn’t.”

Remus turned to face him taking a deep breath. “No, that’s not what I meant,” he said slowly,
sounding strangely apologetic.

“Okay,” Regulus said still feeling slightly put out. “And that’s not what I meant either. We
weren’t- it wasn’t just…”

“Sex?”

Regulus felt himself flushing slightly but he nodded.

Remus shook his head. “Well, clearly he cared about you. He still mourns you.”

That was absolutely the last thing Regulus wanted to hear and he stepped around Remus,
walking quickly. Remus only paused for a second before hurrying to catch up. He opened his
mouth to say something but after a moment seemed to think better of it.

They fell back into a silence, now, with an uncomfortable edge to it. Regulus wished he could
tilt his head back to the sky and scream. It probably wouldn’t make him feel better but at least
it would break the heavy quiet. The air of the rainforest was hot and sticky, Regulus felt like
he was suffocating. The incoming winter had begun to chill northern Italy and he wasn’t used
to the sudden heat.

Regulus wasn’t sure how long they walked in silence before Remus seemed to figure out
what he wanted to say. “I don’t understand,” Remus said quietly, but in the quiet of the forest,
his voice rang clear “I- I’m not trying to be cruel about James. I don’t want to be at least.
He’s my best friend, I don’t know who I’d be without James Potter,” Remus said. “He’s been
one of the most important people to me for over half my life. You ruined him. So, I don’t
mean to be cruel, but I don’t understand how he could have chosen you and I don’t
understand why.”
Regulus shrugged not meeting Remus’s eyes in the hopes that he wouldn’t be able to read
any of the things fighting behind his eyes “He didn’t. But it doesn’t matter, there’s no need to
understand. As far as anyone but you is concerned, I’m dead. So, what’s the point in digging
these things up?”

“The point is you aren’t dead.”

Regulus scoffed. “Aren’t I?”

“No,” Remus said stubbornly. "Because you are standing right here, living, breathing. If you
consider your life over it’s easier to just lie down and give up, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t give up,” Regulus spat out sharply and Remus just leveled him an unconvinced
look.

Regulus resisted the urge to close his eyes against the flashes of memories flicking through
his mind. The burn of calming draught on his tongue, hazy bleak days surrounded by
parchment and fear. Tucked under his desk in the library, hands over his ears as he rocked
back and forth, trying to fight off ghosts that were never there.

He swallowed hard; this was dangerous. Regulus couldn’t allow himself to be read like this,
but Remus Lupin was too smart, somehow he kept finding chinks in Regulus’s mask.

He felt uncomfortably seen as Remus said simply. “You did. Maybe you got back up
eventually, but you did give up.”

Unable to deny it Regulus just tore his gaze away. “Maybe it’s best we don’t discuss James,”
he said after a long moment. “Or any of this. You don’t understand and I can’t help you
understand it. It doesn’t matter, we’re only together to stop the Dark Lord.”
“Yes, which causes us to be traveling together for an undetermined amount of time You can’t
stop it from coming up eventually. There are too many skeletons in your closet and too many
causes for conflict between us. Your estranged brother who hates you is the love of my life,
for goodness sake, and my best friend is your ex-fling. That’s not even touching the fact that
we spent years on opposite sides of the war. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it right
now I’ll let it go, but I can’t promise it’ll never come up again.”

Remus fucking Lupin. Regulus wished he could punch the other man but that would be
counterproductive and Regulus was never one for throwing a punch anyway. He settled for
throwing out a clipped: “Fine.” Regulus crossed his arms. “But understand this, I’m not dead,
but Regulus Black is.”

Something flashed across Remus’s face and Regulus felt the itching feeling of being seen as
the other man’s brow furrowed. “Okay, I understand," he said slowly. Regulus hated that he
was pretty sure Remus did.

__

Remus had learned to control his anger years ago… for the most part.

Walking through the largest rainforest in China for eight hours in silence, sweating buckets
while Regulus Black glowered at the ground in front of them as if it’d personally wronged
him, unfortunately, tested his temper a great deal.

If Regulus’s expression got any tenser Remus was just about ready to reach out and slap him
over the head. Since their semi-argument earlier he’d been silent, his mood had been getting
increasingly worse. When Regulus snapped at him for breathing too loudly, Remus swung
around ready to hit him or maybe throw out a hex, whichever came first. Fortunately, for
Regulus’s sake, Remus paused eyes widening as through the trees he spotted a brightly
glowing unicorn.

“Regulus,” he whispered, barely daring to breathe.

Turning slowly in confusion Regulus looked around. As his gaze fell on the unicorn his eyes
widened and he let out a quiet gasp of amazement. They stood there for a long moment just
watching the unicorn graze peacefully. Regulus’s eyes were wide in child-like amazement
and Remus thought it was almost sweet how obviously infatuated with the creature he was. It
was strange to see something so pure and innocent on Regulus’s face it didn’t fit with any of
the versions of Regulus Black Remus thought he’d come to know these past months.
However, he was starting to realize that maybe Regulus was a lot more unsure than he
seemed. Sure he was smart and dangerous, but he was also twenty-one. He was a young adult
just trying to figure out how the world worked like the rest of them.

“We’re in the right area,” Regulus whispered. "We should look for a clearing. That’s where
we’ll find a graveyard.”

Regulus had already explained that unicorns tended to go to the same place to die,
surrounded by the bones of their past. Remus thought the notion was a little tragic. Regulus
was of the opinion that it was nice that they died surrounded by others.

It was about an hour later when they stumbled upon a clearing. It was eerily silent as they
stepped inside and Remus knew instantly this must have been it. The ground was littered with
bones and the air above them seemed to shimmer like there was some protective force around
them. Remus resisted the urge to shiver at the sight.

They stepped forward approaching the bones cautiously, but when they stopped Regulus
didn’t make any move to grab one.

“What?” Remus asked looking to the other man as he stared down at the almost unnatural
whiteness of the bones.

“I- I can’t take it.”

“Why?”

“I told you, our intentions have to be good… pure. You can't even pick one up if they aren't.”
“Okay,” Remus said slowly. "Then let’s find out, we didn’t come all this way to not even try.”

“I will try,” Regulus snapped, but his heart didn’t seem in it.

Remus figured responding harshly in return wouldn’t get them anywhere. As he searched
Regulus’s face, he looked scared. “Regulus,” Remus said gently, and to his surprise, it wasn’t
as hard as he would have thought to find a bit of gentleness for him, a strange part of Remus
found himself wanting to… protect Regulus?

“I don’t know if I want to know,” Regulus said after a long moment. “If we’re doing the right
thing, if I’m pure…"

“Why are you doing this?” Remus asked him. “I know you said you have nothing to lose but
people don’t do things just because they won’t suffer consequences from it. There’s
something more.”

“That is why,” Regulus insisted, refusing to meet Remus’s eyes. “I mean… it is. It’s—” he
broke off looking conflicted. Like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to explain it.

Remus stayed silent, letting Regulus take the time he needed to decide.

“I did,” he said finally, “lose everything. I did everything I was supposed to, I gave up every
good thing I had. I listened to my parents, and I played my part, I made the sacrifices I
needed to. Fuck, I was ready to sacrifice my life—” he faltered, a slight shake to his voice.

“Did you purposefully fake your death?” Remus asked quietly, though he’d suspected the
answer for some time now.

“No,” Regulus admitted, his voice small as he shook his head. “I got lucky. I wasn’t supposed
to live, when I did I just…” he shrugged helplessly, “I ran. I was threatened for years, I was
terrified of what would happen to me if I disobeyed my parents or the Dark Lord. I was
terrified until I realized I didn’t think much could hurt more than waking up every day like
that. So that’s why I’m doing this.” He finally met Remus’s eyes, mouth set in a hard line.
“Because I did bad things, and it was all for nothing. So, I might as well try some good ones,
the consequence can’t be worse.”

Remus shook his head. “I think,” he told Regulus carefully, “I’m learning that there’s more to
life than good and bad. I did some bad things to end up here too. Maybe not exactly joining
Voldemort, but bad things nonetheless. Maybe sometimes we need to throw away the idea of
actions being good and bad and worry more about the outcomes.”

“I wouldn’t have taken you as a ‘the ends justify the means' type of person.”

“No,” Remus laughed sadly. “Neither would I, but here we are. I gave up things too. The two
of us are probably going to die together, it’s really just us in this now. So grab the fucking
bone Regulus and let's at least try.”

“Okay,” Regulus responded weakly, gaze falling back to the bones at their feet.

He reached out and hand…

And nothing stopped him… His fingers closed around a stray bone and he lifted it up easily.

Regulus laughed in disbelief as he held it up and Remus couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed
on his own face.

“All that, and it was that easy,” Regulus complained, but he still smiled.

“C’mon Reg,” Remus grinned, “let’s go destroy some Horcruxes.”

“Don’t call me that,” Regulus snapped but he held out his arm for Remus, ready to apparate.
 Remus didn’t hesitate this time.

Chapter End Notes

I'm about halfway through writing this fic and I got a couple of huge scenes written and
I just can't wait till I can share them with you so I decided to update early.

I hope you guys love Regulus and Remus's friendship as much as I do, they're really
going to grow to love each other and I'm excited!

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Seven
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The Potter-Evans cottage

1983

December passed quickly, January biting at its heels with freezing winds and endless wet
days. It was on the third day of 1983 that Sirius Black showed up at Lily and James’s
doorstep in the middle of the night. It was so strangely reminiscent of the night Sirius had run
away from home that James just stared for a long moment as his best friend stood in the
doorway.

“I think Moony is gone,” Sirius said, his voice cracking. That was enough to break the spell
and James was pulling Sirius inside shutting the door against the cold.

Lily had followed James down the stairs at the sound of someone at the door, but she kept
back shooting Sirius a concerned look.

“Padfoot,” James said softly as he sat Sirius down at the kitchen table. Lily quickly busied
herself with putting on the kettle.

By the time Sirius spoke Lily was placing a steaming cup of tea in front of him, he gripped it
absently like he wasn’t even aware he was doing it.

“He’s really gone,” Sirius said hollowly.

“You’re sure?” James asked gently.

Sirius nodded slowly. “I- we argued after the Order meeting, I was pissed, wasn’t I justified
in that? I mean Remus didn’t even give me a heads up, he’d been gone for weeks, of course, I
was angry. When he didn’t come home that night I was upset but it wasn’t that strange, he’s
done that after fights before. Then a week passed, and I thought he must have gone off on
another trip. But it’s been almost two months, Prongs! So either he’s left me or…” Sirius
swallowed hard, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “Or, he’s dead. Because it wouldn’t make
sense for him to leave me over that. We’ve had plenty of worse fights and Moony always
stayed…”

“Pads,” James reached out grabbing his arm. “Look, he can’t be dead. I think there was
something else going on. All the trips, his research, it was weird and he knew all this stuff I
don’t understand how he knew—”

Sirius’s head shot up his eyes sharp. “What stuff?”

“I-“ James frowned trying his best to appear normal. “About Regulus.”

Regulus. How hard to even utter his name.

“Regulus…” Sirius repeated his expression hardening. “What did Remus say to you, James?
You were fighting all those months ago, I’ve rarely seen you angry like that, what was it
about?”

“It was nothing. I’m just saying he mentioned Regulus,” James said stiffly. “Whatever Remus
found in the library sent him chasing after ghosts, I don’t know what he was hoping to
accomplish, Sirius. But you know he went to see Pandora, she was close with Regulus in
school.”

Sirius scoffed. “I didn’t think my brother had any real friends.”

James shrugged as if he didn’t know. As if the words didn’t sting. Regulus had a couple,
Pandora, Dorcas, and even Crouch and Rosier had been his friends, though they were both a
little unstable. “You know Dorcas was,” James said slowly, because Dorcas had been their
friend too. Because they knew that. “But it doesn’t matter. That’s all I know, that whatever
Remus was doing had something to do with your brother.”

“Then why did you fight with Remus? And don’t tell me it was nothing.” Sirius said
accusingly.

“Because I didn’t like him digging it up. I thought it’d only be harmful,” James lied.
“Regulus is dead,” he shrugged and it psychically hurt to say the words as if they didn’t
matter. As if he didn’t wake up every day weighed down by the knowledge, choking on
Regulus Black's ghost.

Take your hand off my throat. Just set me free.

Sirius surveyed James for a long moment before he closed his eyes letting out a defeated
breath. “I don’t know what to do, Prongs,” Sirius whispered.

“We’ll go to Dumbledore,” James said determinedly. “He sent Remus on whatever mission
this was in the first place. He’ll know.”

“You think he’ll actually tell us?”

James cocked his head. “Well, only one way to find out.”

__

“How long?”

James might not have been alarmed by Lily’s words if not for the nervousness in her voice.
He spun immediately. “What?”
Gathering her nerves she tilted her chin up determinedly. “You and Regulus.”

James froze, they stood there eyeing each other for a long moment. He'd always wondered if
she knew, he’d had the feeling. Lily was brilliant of course, but she never brought it up, and
eventually, James had stopped wondering if she would.

“That’s what you and Remus were arguing about, right? And that book, it was from Regulus,
right?”

James swallowed before nodding slowly. “Yes.”

“So how long were you seeing him?”

Unable to hold her gaze any longer James looked away. “About two years.”

Lily took a deep breath. “It must have been serious, I mean you loved him?”

James wanted to lie, to stop her questions, but he knew he owed Lily this. “Yeah, I did.”

“You still do,” she said pointedly. That one wasn’t a question.

“He’s dead,” James told her, which wasn’t an answer.

“Someone being dead doesn’t stop you from loving them.”

James looked back up, feeling it was wrong not to look her in the eye for this. “No, it
doesn’t,” he agreed quietly. “But I ended things a long time ago, before he died, before he
left.”

“In sixth year, right? I remember you were strange that year.”

“Yes.”

Lily crossed her arms taking a deep breath. “He’s... it was big, wasn't it? Like that kind of
love they talk about in stories. The kind that starts and ends wars, that moves mountains.
Stains you.”

James felt his breath catch in his throat, Lily didn’t look mad or even very upset, instead, she
looked resigned. James wondered how long she’d known. “Probably...” he said, his voice
cracking. "He- Regulus was a lot of things. Good and bad. He..." James's last words were
barely even a whisper. "He was probably the love of my life."

Lily closed her eyes for a moment breathing deeply. “Okay,” she said finally, opening her
eyes to look at James sadly. He knew in the darkness of their dimly lit kitchen that something
had shifted. This was the end.

“He got there first,” James told her, because he felt it was important she know that the only
difference between his feelings for her, was timing. “If could have just as easily been you, if
he hadn’t loved me first. Sometimes… well, I wish it could have been.”

“It would have been nice,” Lily said softly. “But if not for the war, if not for Harry… who
knows where we’d be, with or without Regulus Black. I’ve never known if we were meant
for forever. And it never mattered because we aren’t likely to get it. But maybe that’s
important… maybe I should have wanted it.”

“Are we breaking up then?”

“I think so,” she said, her voice quiet. “It’s probably for the best, I deserve to be the love of
someone’s life.”
“You do,” James said firmly. “You’re brilliant Lily Evans, I do love you, I’ll always love
you.”

“I’ll always love you too,” she said. “We’re family, you and me and Harry, regardless of
whether I’m your girlfriend. We’re family.”

“You’ll always be important to me, Lils. We are family and nothing will ever change that.”

She nodded sniffling slightly and James stepped forward. Without hesitation, she wrapped
her arms around him and they stood there, holding each other tightly.

“I wish you’d told me,” Lily whispered, “but I’m not mad, I just wish this could have been
different.”

“Me too,” James said holding her even tighter. “Me too.”

Hogwarts

1983

It was strange, Sirius thought, to walk the halls of Hogwarts in his twenties.

Most students were in their classes and the corridor was quiet and sunny. The only sound was
his and James’s footsteps echoing off the walls. The air smelled like warmth, like days as a
teenager running free, feet kissing the exact stones he stepped over now.

They didn’t run, they walked with a purpose. James’s hands were in his pockets, his eyes
ahead, they didn’t stray. Sirius wondered what ghosts he was trying to avoid seeing around
the corners. If he could feel the echo of laughter long past as well. If he remembered Marlene
standing in the exact window to their right, broom over her shoulder, face lit up in a proud
smile. They’d once set off a round of filibusters in this exact corridor. Sirius remembered
Remus sighing in his ear beneath the invisibility cloak. He remembered that had been one of
the first times he’d realized that close proximity to Remus Lupin did strange things to him.

"How's it going, Sirius?" Marlene's ghost grinned as they passed. Sirius didn't glance over,
because he knew she wasn't really there. That if he looked, sixteen-year-old Marlene wouldn't
be standing there, clad in her Quidditch gear and a bright smile. Marlene wasn't sixteen, and
she wasn't here either.

As they made their way up the winding stairs to the headmaster’s office the door opened
instantly and Album Dumbledore was smiling calmly from his desk.

“James, Sirius, I hope your journey treated you well.”

“It was fine,” Sirius said quickly when James made no move to respond. For a long time,
Sirius had thought he was imagining it, but James had for some reason developed a bit of a
resentment towards Dumbledore over the past few years. Sirius thought James blamed the
headmaster for the people they’d lost. Sirius thought it was unfair of him. Dumbledore was
very powerful, but he wasn’t a god.

“So, you wished to meet with me about Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore said calmly as if Sirius’s
longtime partner hadn’t disappeared suddenly.

“Yes,” Sirius agreed taking a seat, the pureblood manners long forced into him stopping him
from snapping when he needed something from the man. “He’s been gone too long,
something has happened.”

“I believe so,” Dumbledore said, “Remus was doing research for me as I’m sure you know.
Several months earlier, he stopped reporting in detail, and I suspected he had found
something. I intended to speak with him at the last Order meeting but he as you know,
disappeared. Remus has had no contact since. I believe that he has gone rouge.”

“Rouge…” Sirius repeated. “This is Remus, we’re talking about.”

“I know,” Dumbledore said. “He has always been very loyal and trustworthy. I’m not sure
what happened but we must act as if he’s turned his back on the Order. I’ve tried to reach out,
but there’s been no response and no distress signal. I have to assume from his behavior
recently that it was voluntary.”

“You think Remus would betray us?” James asked accusingly.

“I think war makes people do a great many things they wouldn’t under different
circumstances.”

“No,” James said firmly. “No, I know Remus.”

Sirius didn’t speak, because he did too. He knew Remus was brilliant and hungry for
knowledge. When he was set on a project, there was very little he’d give it up for. Sirius had
gotten used to coming second to Remus’s work. So, betray them? No, Sirius didn’t believe
Remus would betray them, Sirius had learned his lesson in that after James, Lily, and Harry
had nearly been killed and he and Remus had stood divided. Remus would never turn to the
Death Eaters but he would turn his back if he believed he had reason enough. But Sirius
wasn’t going to let him go without a fight, no matter how angry he was.

“Can you tell us anything?” Sirius asked, finally.

“I’m afraid not,” Dumbledore said. He sounded regretful which hardly made Sirius feel
better.

“Fine, well thank you for talking to us,” Sirius stood leaving quickly while James sputtered
after him in surprise.

Sirius took the stairs two at a time barely slowing down even when James appeared behind
him, grabbing his arm.
“Whoa Pads, why did you take off.”

“Dumbledore won’t help us,” Sirius said spinning to face his best friend.

“He might have told us something.”

“He wasn’t going to, and it doesn’t matter. I know who to talk to.”

“Who?”

Sirius shrugged. “The same people Remus did. I know he went to Pandora Lovegood and
Corey Boyle, he was chasing after something and I bet, one of them can tell us what.”

Ottery St. Catchpole

1983

Pandora Lovegood opened her door with tense shoulders.

“I don’t know what you want, but I can’t help you. I don't want any more ex-Gryffindors
showing up at my door.”

“Wait, wait,” James said quickly. “Remus was here, you helped him?”

“Yes,” she said shortly moving to shut the door. “A mistake probably.”
“He’s gone,” James said, and that at least seemed to give Pandora a pause.

“Gone?”

“He took off and fell off the face of the earth. I’m worried for him, I just need to know what
you talked about.”

She bit her lip conflicted “Nothing much, an old friend of mine.”

“He wanted to know about Regulus, right?”

She flinched at the name grabbing his sleeve and pulling him into the house. “Careful what
you say in the open,” she hissed as the door swiftly shut behind him.

The house was silent as James cast a cursory glance around. “My husband and daughter are
out,” she said. “They’ll be back anytime now. I’m sorry but I can’t tell you about what your
friend and I discussed.”

“It was Regulus,” James insisted. “I know it had something to do with him. Remus talked to
me about him, he knew all sorts of things he shouldn’t have—” He stopped suddenly as
Pandora cocked her head, eyes narrowing.

“How would you know?” she asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do. If you knew that Remus shouldn’t have known what he did, that implies that
you were also somehow aware of these things, and the fact that he shouldn’t know them.”
James just paused, unable to look away from her intense gaze, but not able to speak either. He
took a deep breath, these days it felt like Regulus’s ghost was even closer on his heels. He’d
thought it’d get better by now; he thought he’d be able to spend some days unburdened by a
dead man’s shadow. Somehow, Regulus was dug back up over and over again.

“I knew some things,” James said finally.

“You knew him.” James didn’t respond, unsure how to admit it and Pandora crossed her
arms. “I’ll tell you what James Potter. Tell me about Regulus and I’ll tell you what Remus
was here for.”

“I- okay, what do you even want to know?”

“Anything,” she said but as her piercing blue eyes flicked over his face, James got the feeling
that wasn’t really the case.

“I knew him,” James shrugged. It was true, it also wasn’t. James knew Regulus Black like he
knew his own insides. The pump of his blood, the beat of his heart. He was something so
intrinsically stained and fused into James. Something that followed every waking moment,
every inhale and exhale, something that James could never touch. Not any more than he
could reach into his chest and pull out his own heart.

James didn’t know what parts of Regulus he could possibly offer Pandora. It felt wrong, to
give up even a single one, not when he’d spent so long clutching it close to his chest. Remus
hadn’t understood. Of course, he’d been angry, James got that. He didn’t understand the way
Regulus was a part of James’s very soul. Lily had seemed a little closer to the fact, she hadn’t
been angry. James thought if anyone had a right, it’d be her. Even so, she probably thought
the same as Remus somewhere: why him?

Pandora was different. She’d loved Regulus. She was probably one of the only people in the
world who wouldn’t ask why, who wouldn’t wonder what could have possibly possessed
James to love a person like Regulus Black.
James didn’t realize how he’d been silent until he became aware of Pandora’s waiting gaze.
She hadn’t said a word and he wondered how she’d known to give him time. James barely
knew Pandora, only hearing snippets about the girl from Regulus. He could understand now,
how this woman could hook a young Regulus, even with his aversion to friendship and
people in general. Pandora Lovegood was intensely intelligent, clearly able to read people
well, and quiet when it was needed. All qualities that Regulus must have adored in her.

“I didn’t know him,” James said finally, contradicting his previous words. “Regulus was a
part of me, and I was part of him, we could have just swallowed each other whole and torn
the world down in a blaze of glory. I would have given up just about anything for him, and he
never would have asked me to. That encapsulates everything we were,” he shrugged trying to
pretend that saying these things aloud didn’t burn his throat as the words spilled out. “I have
nothing more I can offer you on that. There isn’t anything else.”

“That’s enough,” she said quietly. “I just had to know.”

“I don’t understand what it is you’re looking for from me.”

“Just that. To know that I’m not the only person still walking this earth that loved Regulus
Black,” she sighed in a sad tired way that James felt in his bones. “Your friend, Remus, he
doesn’t get it. Probably never will. I may not be a rebel, but I’m no Death Eater. I don’t
believe in violence or pain, I don’t believe any parties on earth are better than others. We’re
all equal, regardless of blood status or anything else. I think most would wonder how I could
believe that and still love a man like Regulus Black. But I wasn’t- I’m not…”

“Delusional?” James offered softly.

“No,” Pandora agreed “I’m not. Maybe that makes me far from the best sort, but love does
seem to cross all sorts of lines, doesn’t it? Morals be dammed.”

“Yes,” James breathed out, because that was exactly it. “I wasn’t delusional either. I never
lied to myself, I never pretended he was different. I hated how he was, and the things he was
willing to do. I hated that as much as I tried to convince him I knew I’d never win. It didn’t
matter what he believed, it didn’t matter what kind of person Regulus was. Maybe he had the
capacity for good, maybe if he’d grown up differently he would have been on the other side
of the war. But it didn’t matter, and it doesn’t because he was too scared to ever be anything
different. He was terrified. If I’ve learned one thing these years, it’s that beyond love, fear is
the only other emotion capable of making us do things we don’t really believe in. If Sirius
ever heard me say this he’d be furious, but the truth is the only real difference between the
Black brothers is that one lived deathly afraid, and the other overcame his fear young. If
Regulus had taken a jump, had tried to be brave, things might be different today.”

“Yes,” Pandora whispered, her eyes heavy with old grief. “I think so. I can see why he chose
you, James Potter.”

James just shook his head at that. “It never felt like much of a choice.”

“It doesn’t when fate pulls her strings,” Pandora waved her hand. “Remus Lupin asked me
about Regulus’s death,” she said, and James blinked in surprise at how quickly she now
offered this information. “He seemed suspicious of the circumstances. I told him the truth; I
don’t know much but Regulus came to me before he died. It was clear he was planning
something. I knew he’d become increasingly… unstable before that point. So, it worried me,
but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him, so I agreed to help. Kreacher, his house
elf was supposed to bring me something, but he never did. Days later I discovered Regulus
was dead, I knew he must have been caught.”

“Remus said Regulus discovered a weakness… what?”

“Have you heard of Horcruxes?”

James frowned. “No, what is it?”

“It’s… a piece of a person’s soul separated from their body. I think the effect is a sort of
invincibility.” Pandora crossed her arms like she could protect herself from the thought. “It’s
terrible, nasty magic. Very dark, I don’t know anything else about it. Remus didn’t either
when he came to me, but whatever he was searching for had something to do with both
Horcruxes and Regulus. I sent him to my friend Corey.”

“Right,” James frowned. “Sirius went to speak with Corey. I don’t know what he told Remus,
but it must have been something helpful because he took off after that. Before he disappeared
he’d been gone for weeks at a time.”

“I spoke with Corey recently…” Pandora said slowly. “He won’t tell Sirius Black anything.
In fact, if it weren’t for your relationship with Regulus, I wouldn’t have told you anything
either. This is very dark, dangerous magic, James. I implore you to consider that before you
jump into anything. If Remus Lupin is gone, it’s likely he’s somewhere you’d best not
follow.”

“I have to,” James said stubbornly. “I don’t give up on people anymore. I know Remus, I love
him. I need to find him.”

Pandora just surveyed him for a moment, her face blank and unreadable for a long moment
before she shook her head, seemingly coming to a decision. “Corey told me Remus went to
Italy, that’s it. That’s the only thing I know.”

James nodded. “Okay,” he breathed, that was a start. “Thank you, Pandora, I can’t possibly
explain how much you’ve helped me.”

“I think you’ve helped me too,” she said quietly. “Now please leave before your presence
attracts any unwanted attention.”

James nodded, turning towards the door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob, glancing
back at her one last time. “You should run,” he told her. “Go somewhere else, anywhere. Get
as far from the war as you can possibly get, spare your daughter and your husband.”

“Is that what you’d wish you’d done?”

“It’s too late for me. Not for you. Leave Pandora,”

“Maybe,” she said simply.

As James pulled open the door and stepped into the biting winter air, he didn’t look back. He
had a feeling she’d already made a decision.

--

James got back first, Sirius, of course, had a longer way to travel, so he wasn’t so surprised
that Lily was in the kitchen alone when he walked in.

“Did you find anything?” she asked, spinning around with wide eyes when she heard his
footsteps.

“Yes,” James told her, “but let’s wait until Padfoot gets back and I’ll tell you everything.”

Lily nodded wringing her hands nervously. Remus was of course James’s best friend, but he
was to Lily whatever Sirius was to James. Something closer to family than friendship, they
existed on the very same wavelength together.

“We’ll find him,” James said gently squeezing Lily’s shoulder reassuringly as he busied
himself with making tea. Harry must have been down for his afternoon nap (an occurrence
that much to James and Lily’s dismay was happening less and less) and the house was quiet.

Lily sat as James pushed a mug of hot tea towards her and she grasped it gratefully. Things
had been strange between them since the breakup. Not bad per se, but a little awkward as
they tried to find their footing on new ground. They’d never exactly been friends, Lily had
hated him for years, and by the time she started tolerating him, they’d quickly fallen into a
relationship. It’d happened lightning quick, hastened even more so by the surprise of Harry
on the way. At the time the rush felt perfectly fine, it wasn’t so crazy. Frank and Alice had
been in the same sort of boat, having their son and getting married. James was glad at least,
that the war had prevented him and Lily from getting married, he thought that would have
turned the entire situation much more complex and bitter.

Now as Lily rested her chin in her hands looking over at him, he could tell she had something
she wanted to say. He was done with letting things fester between them and he frowned.
“What is it?”
She paused as if surprised James was opening up the opportunity to ask. Though of course, it
was a surprise, they’d never had this sort of openness between them before.

Lily straightened up “Pandora…” she said slowly “I remember, she was close to Regulus in
school.”

“Yes,” James paused, then decided to tentatively offer more. “I think that’s the only reason
she told me anything.”

Lily seemed surprised by his admission of additional information. “She knew? About the two
of you…”

“If she didn’t suspect prior, she figured out. She’s quite smart.”

Lily nodded. “Yes, we were prefects together, I always thought she was wickedly brilliant.”

And that was that. She went back to sipping her tea and James sat back in comfortable
silence. He didn’t realize how relieved it would make him feel to offer up some honesty
every once in a while. He wished he’d had the guts to tell Lily years ago, but he hadn’t been
ready to stop clinging to their relationship.

Only a few minutes later the front door opened, the wards announcing Sirius’s arrival. He
looked harried and agitated as he pulled off his cloak dropping in on an empty chair.
“Fucking awful that Corey Boyle is,” he hissed, eyes dark and annoyed.

“What happened?”

“Nothing!” Sirius threw his hand in the air. “He wouldn’t tell me a single damn thing. Just
talked and talked in circles.” He looked two seconds from beginning to pace the length of the
kitchen which James knew was never a good sign.
He reached out snagging Sirius’s sleeve. “Sit Padfoot,” he demanded. Sirius opened his
mouth, no doubt to argue but James quickly cut him off. “I got some information.”

Sirius paused. “You did?”

“Yes, now sit or I won’t tell you anything.”

Sirius looked unhappy with the order, but despite that, he sat, crossing his arms. Aside from
Moony, James was the only other person in the world who could order Sirius Black around.

“So, what did Pandora say?” Lily asked, a picture of steadiness compared to Sirius’s wild
demeanor.

“She told me Remus was asking about Horcruxes. I don’t really understand what they are, but
it's some way Voldemort has made himself invincible.”

“Horcruxes…” Lily muttered with a frown. She seemed vexed that she didn’t recognize the
word on her tongue.

“Apparently, very few people even know of their existence. But that’s what Remus was
looking for. According to Pandora, he seemed to be following Regulus’s path.”

Sirius leaned forward, putting his elbow on the table with a sudden thump. “Why the hell
does all of this come back to my dead brother?”

“Because he’s the one who found out about this Horcrux thing. Pandora said he was going
to… I don’t know, what. Do something. But we know he defected. That’s what Moony said.”
Sirius laughed humorlessly. “Yes, that’s what Moony said but I’ve never seen any proof of
that.”

“Pandora seemed quite sure of it.”

“And you trust her?” Sirius scoffed, “She’s a coward who refused to get involved in the war.”

“She’s a mother,” James insisted. “She has a family. Of course, she’s scared.”

“So do you! You’re still here, still fighting.”

“Because I made that choice before Harry and I got stuck with it!” James didn’t mean for his
voice to rise and as the words cut through the room, the silence that followed felt much too
heavy. James took a deep breath, regulating his temper. “Look, Padfoot. Do you blame Mary
for leaving? Do you think she was a coward?”

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, thinking of the question for a moment before shaking his
head. “No,” he admitted in a small voice.

“Then you can’t say Pandora is either. She’s scared, Sirius. She’s scared and she still helped
Remus and she helped me.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, uncharacteristically meek. “So we know what Remus was after, we know
at least she and Moony both believed my brother defected. That, somehow this has something
to do with him. But where does that leave us? We still have no idea where to even begin.”

“Italy.”

“Huh? Italy?”
“Yes, Pandora told me it was unlikely Corey would tell you anything. But she heard from him
that’s where he’d sent Remus.”

“Italy…” Lily repeated with a frown. “Not much of a lead. That’s an entire country.”

“Yeah, it's a lot to search,” James admitted. “But we do have one thing.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“We know Remus, know him better than anyone. It won’t be hard to figure out the kind of
places he’d go, how he’d conduct himself. We can assume he was probably looking for
information or something to do with these Horcruxes.”

“So what? Should we look for more people like Boyle? Scholars, informants?”

“Exactly,” James agreed.

Lily shook her head. “This is such a bad idea.”

“It is,” James said..

“But we’re going anyway?” Sirius asked, knowing full well the answer to that.

“Of course, you are,” Lily said swiftly despite being the one to voice disapproval. “Bring
Remus home.”

James turned to Sirius, a conspiring smirk blooming on his lips, despite the heaviness of the
situation. “Operation bring Moony home?”
 Sirius nodded. “Operation bring Moony home,” he agreed solemnly, but for the first time
since he’d shown up at James’ door, there was a spark of hope glittering in his dark eyes.

Chapter End Notes

Hello??

I'm sorry I didn't update when I was supposed to my sister is in the hospital and I had to
drive home to help out. Plus thanksgiving break threw everything off it's just a very
strange week overall. but never fear, I've still been writing and actually hit 50k words
today and completed my NaNoWriMo word count which I'm very happy about! From
the next chapter everything is pretty much nonstop and I'm excited to share it with you
all.

I'll be updating next weekend!! I've had a lot going on, plus finals are on their way and I
want to get a bit more ahead in writing. So it's really just more viable to go to once a
week updates for now. (plus, as I said it'll be a lot of action and things happening from
here on out, best not to overwhelm you all)

Thanks for all your nice comments!!

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 Chapter Eight
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Somewhere in Asia

1983

The day Remus Lupin and Regulus Black destroyed their first Horcrux Regulus cried.

On any other occasion, Remus would have teased him relentlessly. In this case, however, he
barely held back tears of his own.

Remus hadn’t expected it to work. They’d gotten much closer to perfecting the spell after
acquiring the unicorn bone, but it was more than just grounding the protective spell. The fyre
needed to be shaped to respond to that force field. Believe it or not, trying to control
uncontrollable, basically indestructible fyre wasn’t so easy. It didn’t help that any testing of
the spell was incredibly difficult seeing as the conditions had to be just right, lest the fire get
out of control.

It took three months just to be able to test it, which failed spectacularly, the two of them
barely escaping with their lives. So, when Remus was woken one morning by Regulus
shaking his shoulder, his protests died on his tongue as soon as he spotted the bright manic
look in the other man’s eyes.

“What?” Remus had croaked, his voice still heavy with sleep.

“I think I’ve done it.”

“Done it?” Remus asked rolling out his shoulder where it ached slightly. “Reg, have you slept
at all?”

Regulus had long stopped snapping at Remus for the nickname and instead settled for simply
ignoring it. “Doesn’t matter,” he waved a hand. “I figured out the spell.”

That was enough to shake the remnants of sleep from his mind. “You’re sure?”

“Absolutely,” Regulus had said confidently, though Remus would soon learn that confidence
was mostly faked. He wasn’t any more certain it would work than Remus. “Come on, it’s best
we leave this place anyway, we’ve been here too long.”

Remus agreed, in fact, he’d meant to bring up moving that day. He thought they’d probably
spent too long in the continent in general, regardless of how massive Asia was.

As Regulus left the room, no doubt to prepare to leave. Remus dragged himself from bed and
quickly dressed before beginning to shove books and his few other belongings into a bag. He
tried not to think about Sirius as he noted the rising sun, the weather was beginning to warm
already, and he mostly tried to ignore that fact. If he thought about the incoming spring it’d
only remind him of how much time had passed. It didn’t feel like he’d first started his
journey almost a year ago, yet he had. Time had blurred into a hazy mess of events and when
Remus thought too hard, it made even less sense.

So, he chose not to think, packing his things in a matter of minutes. He met Regulus in the
sort of living room/dining room combination their little cabin housed. Regulus was of course
packed too and had wiped any traces of them from the house. They’d perfected the fast
efficiency needed for a life of looking over their shoulders. They were lucky enough that the
Death Eaters weren’t looking for them, the Order, however… they’d know by now that
Remus had certainly turned his back, whether they’d consider him a traitor or a deserter
remained to be seen. Remus didn’t really want to find out, lest they curse first and ask
questions later.

He once again batted away the thought of Sirius clawing at the edges of his mind. He
couldn’t wonder what Sirius must have thought after all these months.
“Ready?” Regulus asked.

Remus just nodded holding out an arm. They took turns choosing locations, never telling
each other ahead of time for extra security.

Regulus grabbed on. “You better be bringing us somewhere with an actual roof,” he
complained. Last time Remus had made them camp out and Regulus was clearly still upset
about this.

“You’re much too high maintenance for a man who lives a life on the run.” Remus rolled his
eyes.

“Speak for yourself Lupin, I’m not running.”

Remus knew just as well as Regulus did that the statement wasn’t true, but he refrained from
saying anything, simply shaking his head and closing his eyes to the pull of apparition.

When they landed it was hot, really fucking hot. Remus should have been prepared, seeing as
he was the one who’d dropped them in the middle of the desert.

“Merlin,” Regulus groaned squinting against the sun. “It’s hot as hell, what did you do, bring
us to the Sahara?” At Remus’s silence, Regulus whirled around to glare accusingly. “You
didn’t,” he hissed.

Remus just shrugged. “You said a desert was the safest place to test this and after what
happened the first time, I don’t fancy accidentally burning anyone’s town to the ground.”

“We’re not sleeping here.”

“We might die if we did.”

Regulus glared for a second longer, just to make sure his lack of amusement with the
situation sunk in. After a moment, however, he turned and started rifling through his bag to
set up for the spell. They’d been working on this so long that the setup was easy.

Once the wards were in place Regulus pulled out the heavy Slytherin locket placing it
carefully in the middle. Remus hated that locket, something about it just felt sickeningly
wrong. Regulus had never said anything, but the way he handled it like it might burn him if
he touched it too long, made it obvious he felt the same.

Stepping back Regulus surveyed their work, before glancing at Remus. They both hesitated a
moment.

“You can do the spell?” Remus asked slowly, Regulus hadn’t said yet how he’d figured it out,
they were in such a rush, he was sure they’d have time for Regulus to teach him later.

“Yes,” Regulus said swallowing thickly, he turned taking a deep breath.

Regulus was not one who was receptive to affection, Remus generally avoided being soft
with him. Normally pushing him or being sharp did the trick, but as he stared, clearly daunted
at the wards in front of them, Remus placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

Regulus nodded, he ignored Remus’s hand, but he didn’t shrug it off either. Planting his feet
and standing up straighter, Regulus raised his wand and began to cast, words clear and
pronounced.

The effect was instant, Remus had to resist the urge to jump back as a vivid angry fyre
erupted within the wards. They both held their breath, but the wards didn’t budge as the fyre
raged inside.
Then came the screams, they flinched back and Regulus looked to Remus his eyes wild.
“Wait, just wait,” Remus whispered. The screams were coming from the locket, something
inhuman and chilling. Despite the heat of the desert, Remus felt a chill at the nape of his
neck.

Regulus’s face was white with fear and as the screams got louder, the world darkening around
them he did something he’d never done before, he reached for Remus.

Whispers floated up around them, images flashing through his mind. Pain, cruelty, death.
Remus saw his own, he saw shadows of monsters standing over his bed, he saw his bones
ripping themselves apart every full moon. He saw pain that wasn’t his as well, a child hidden
in a closet, breaths heavy in fear as the screams of another child sounded outside the door. He
saw sharp hands and blades, the feeling of fingers around a neck, dragging, pulling,
drowning.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut against it, pulling Regulus into him like he was still that child
and Remus could shield him.

Then it seemed to lessen, fading away until it was just them in the desert with the contained
fyre battling the wards in front of them. Regulus didn’t let go so Remus used his other arm to
raise his wand and carefully cast the counterspell they’d created, which was supposed to use
the containment to actually put out the fyre. For a moment nothing happened, and Remus had
only just begun to contemplate how totally and utterly fucked they were when suddenly, with
an eerie rush the fyre went out violently. A chilling shriek echoed through the air, almost like
it was trying to fight the prospect.

Tugging Regulus along with him, Remus bent down to examine the locket, it was a burned
mess, oozing something that almost looked like blood.

“Fucking hell,” Regulus cursed, his voice shaky as he peered down. “We did it,”

“We did,” Remus breathed in amazement, his joy was cut off though as tears welled in
Regulus’s eyes.
If someone had told him a year ago that he’d one day be holding a sobbing Regulus Black in
the middle of the Sahara Desert he would have advised they admit themselves to St. Mungos.
Yet, somehow here he was. He’d known Regulus carried a lot of baggage, but up until that
moment he hadn’t realized just how heavy. Now as much as Remus had seen Regulus’s pain,
Regulus had seen Remus’s as well. They were tied together, connected.

They’d gotten to know each other well over these months, despite the absurdity of the
thought Remus was pretty sure they were some kind of friends, though Regulus would never
admit it. Now, something had shifted. Accompanied by their first success and shared pain,
Remus thought for the first time, that he understood Regulus Black.

When he’d first stepped into the apothecary, he didn’t understand Regulus’s actions. He
hadn’t comprehended how he could have done the terrible things he did, how he could have
hurt James in such a way. But then, hadn’t Remus done the exact same thing? He’d left Sirius
to chase after something else. He’d kept secrets and betrayed the love of his life, and as much
as the guilt ate away at him, Remus couldn’t regret it. He couldn’t imagine going back to his
house with Sirius and living out every mundane day, living in fear of their inevitable death
when he had the power to end this. Not everyone got their happily ever afters, some of them
weren’t built for that. Remus wasn’t surprised he had to be the one, he wasn’t surprised it was
Regulus either. He thought they’d both lived their entire lives on the outside looking in, in
different ways, yet similarly enough

Something had shifted. It wasn’t them just being forced to go on this journey together or a
tentative friendship any longer. Regulus was Remus’s friend, in the exact same way that Lily
or James was his friend. Remus wasn’t sure at what point he’d gone from tolerating to deeply
caring for Regulus Black, but it’d happened.

Selfishly, Remus was glad he wasn’t alone at the end of the world, so he hugged Regulus
tightly.

Eventually, Regulus hugged him back.

--

“We have to break into Gringotts,” Regulus said to hoping kill any melancholy hanging over
their heads.
Remus looked up from where he’d been laying out his sleeping bag. Regulus briefly felt a
rush of shame for clinging to him like a child earlier. Somehow, the other man’s unexpectant
gaze immediately soothed that. “Maybe we should discuss this tomorrow, it’s been a long
day, Regulus,”

Regulus did not like that he liked Remus Lupin. He didn’t like feeling soothed by him.
Regulus especially didn’t like the notion lurking at the edges of his mind that if Regulus were
to start pathetically crying again Remus would only hold him up, with no judgment, no
questions. God, how had Lupin become his friend?

“Fine,” Regulus conceded only because he was exhausted. Remus had thankfully procured
them something with a roof for the night, though that wasn’t saying much. It was dingy and
small with only one room and no furniture besides a single rickety table. “But it has to
happen soon.”

“I know, Reg, it’s not as if we’re ill-prepared. We’ve been discussing this for months, it was
always the plan to go for the cup once we got the spell working. We can start finalizing things
tomorrow.”

“Back to London,” Regulus muttered lying back on his own sleeping bag.

“Are you okay with that?” Remus asked.

“I speak English much better than I speak Mandarin.”

“Not what I meant.”

Regulus just shrugged. “We’ll be in and out.”

--
They were not in and out.

Truly, it was wishful thinking on their part, but at first, things seemed to go surprisingly well.
They snuck in when Diagon Alley was dark and empty and got into the actual bank quite
easily. After all, the goblins probably weren’t worried about people getting through the front
doors with all the other precautions they had. Luckily for them, those precautions weren’t
designed to stop someone from breaking into their own vault.

Aside from Remus’s whispers that this was like a muggle spy movie and his halfhearted
protest when Regulus cast an imperius curse on one of the night shift Goblins, they got down
to the vault fairly easily, avoiding the protections and curses designed to keep intruders out.

“Regulus,” Remus said slowly as the cart stopped in front of the Black vault and they both
peered up at the huge iron doors. “The world is very lucky we’re not in the business of trying
to destroy it because I’m afraid we may be way too fucking smart for our own good.”

Regulus laughed to relieve some of the tension creeping into his lungs. “We broke into
Gringotts,” he shook his head in disbelief “I can’t believe we broke into Gringotts.”

Remus swung out of the cart, holding a hand out for Regulus to jump out as well. Regulus
swallowed hard as they stood in front of the vault doors.

“It might not be in here…” He reminded Remus. “If it was moved to another vault, Bella’s or
the Malfoy’s this is going to be considerably harder.” Originally Regulus had been convinced
the cup must have been moved, but over the months as he considered, he realized that it was
highly possible it wasn’t. The Black vault was now untouchable, there was no one to make
use of it, so it was probably safer than moving it.

“Well, we best find out,” Remus said swiftly, because that was always his response, wasn’t
it? No delaying the truth, best to just jump in and see what happened… ugh, Gryffindors.
Regulus breathed his first sigh of relief as the vault’s doors opened for him. Up until the point
he hadn’t been entirely convinced they still would. Things where the Black fortune were
concerned, were incredibly complex. Technically Regulus was still the heir as Sirius had long
been written out of the will. The vault had likely passed to Bella and Narcissa as Regulus was
dead on paper, the money was legally theirs and they’d probably never bothered to look into
the actual blood magic, allowing his continuing claim to fly under the radar.

If Sirius had ever tried to claim the fortune the truth would have come out, the blood magic
would have been assessed and it would have pointed clear ownership to Regulus. However,
Regulus knew his brother. He’d been counting on Sirius never coming near these vaults, he
had an inheritance from Alphard anyway, why would he?

It took Regulus a moment to gather the courage to step inside, but once he did, it was all
business. “Okay,” he told Remus, “Small gold cup.”

Remus rolled his eyes because he obviously knew that already, but he stepped inside after
him anyway to begin searching. Regulus could hear the clinks of what he knew must have
been the dragon in the distance, but he didn’t let it intimidate him. One glance told him the
goblin was still firmly under the imperius and no alarms would sound for someone opening
their own vault, regardless of the hour.

The next stroke of luck came barely fifteen minutes later when Remus knocked into a pile of
treasure, cursing at the loud noise it made. Regulus was about to insult him heavily for it
when Remus paused suddenly, eyes wide. “Holy shit,” he breathed, “is this it?”

He held up a small gold goblet with the Hufflepuff crest and all the air seemed to leave
Regulus's lungs, he hadn’t been expecting it to be there, not really. He’d prepared himself for
the worst.

“That’s it,” Regulus croaked and Remus was across the room in a second grabbing Regulus’s
arm and pulling him out to the cart.

“Let’s get out of here,” Remus said quickly.

Regulus agreed, just because it’d been smooth sailing didn’t mean there wasn’t still room for
things to go horribly wrong, and getting past the dragon again unnerved him. Thankfully, the
goblin, still under Regulus' control got them past easily and Regulus tried not to feel sick as
he thought about how he was controlling this innocent goblin, forcing him to do things he
didn’t want to. Regulus knew the feeling, and despite brushing off Remus’s protests over the
imperius, Regulus hadn’t really wanted to do it either but had had no choice and he stood
firm in his decision, even if he felt remorseful.

They’d made it back upstairs and safely obliviated and knocked out the poor goblin when the
sound of footsteps froze them both in their tracks.

Sharing a tense look, they quickly ducked beneath the counter, Regulus gripping the goblet
tightly.

The sound of heavy boots on the vast marble floor rang through the bank and Regulus
watched Remus’s head cock as he listened. There was definitely more than one person maybe
two or three by the sound of it. He wasn’t sure if they were Death Eaters, Order, or none of
the above. Either way, none were their friends at this point.

“There’s nothing here,” a male voice said.

“Maybe it was a glitch in the alarm. You know nothing ever happens on these patrols.”

“Over here,” a third voice hissed.

“Damn, looks like he was stupefied pretty hard.”

“Better summon Moody.”

Remus’s eyes widened, Order he mouthed. Regulus thought that was at least marginally
better than them being Death Eaters. They rose in sync, prepared to sneak out while the men
were occupied.
“Moody should be here any minute.”

“Good, Dumbledore is damn lucky he didn’t store that sword he’s so concerned with here.
Looks like someone tried to break in.”

At that they froze, finding each other’s eyes in the dark. Sword?

Regulus grabbed Remus’s arm pulling them forward as they snuck out of the building, barely
daring to breathe.

“We need that sword,” Regulus hissed once they’d emerged into the night air, melting into
the shadows of an empty alley.

“I know, but how?”

Regulus looked Remus over, an idea forming in his mind. “I’m going to need to beat you up.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Damn and here I thought we were friends.”

“Shut up,” Regulus whispered but didn’t bother denying it. “No, I mean sneaking it out from
under Dumbledore won’t work, we’ll never get close enough. You as part of Order,
however…”

“Ah,” Remus said understanding growing on his face. “You need to make it look like I didn’t
desert of my own free will.”

“Yes, which unfortunately includes beating you up,”

“You’ve been waiting for this chance,” Remus joked.

Regulus pretended it was true, but they knew it wasn’t, especially when he landed his first
punch and Remus had to tell him to hit a little harder the next time. They set to work giving
Remus injuries and healing some to various degrees, so it looked like he’d been held captive
for a long period of time. Once they were done, Remus looked every part the escaped
prisoner.

“What’s my story?”

“Best story is the truth,” Regulus told him.

Remus frowned. “I can’t very well let them know you’re alive.”

“Not me,” Regulus corrected. “Barty.”

“Crouch?”

“He lost it after Evan died,” Regulus said slowly. “He’s very devoted to the Dark Lord, to
revenge. If you were to say to he dragged you around the planet completing fool's errands…
everyone knows you were chasing after me, it wouldn’t be so strange if Barty was who you
found. We were close.”

Remus knew this, Regulus had told him not so long ago about his friendship with Barty and
Evan. About his guilt, his equal love, and disdain for them because, unlike Regulus, they
hadn’t minded the death or violence.

“Okay,” Remus blinked heavily, and Regulus could tell the injuries were getting to him, he
straightened carefully, wincing as he did. “You need to leave, now. You still have your stone,
I’ll summon you if I need you. Destroy the cup… and Regulus, be careful.”
“I will,” Regulus promised. “I’ll lay low until you need me.”

“Good,” Remus nodded. “Merlin help me, but I care about you Regulus.”

Regulus couldn’t form the words to tell Remus that he cared about him too, but somehow
Remus seemed to know. Of course, he was pretty smart, wasn’t he? He reached out, pulling
Regulus in for a careful hug, despite his injuries.

“I’ll see you soon,” Regulus whispered before slipping out of the alley.

It seemed he was just in time as the sound of more footsteps echoed down the cobblestone
streets. Regulus was almost out of Diagon Alley when a voice stopped him dead.

“You don’t think it’s serious?” it whispered. “I mean, why would the Death Eaters break into
Gringotts, they control it don’t they?”

“I don’t know, Prongs, we just go where Moody tells us don’t we?”

“But Sirius, they haven’t been sending us anywhere, not since Italy.”

Regulus was frozen. He should have kept going, he should have turned his back and slipped
out, but he couldn’t. He crept forward, needing to get a glance, to see them just once. As he
peered around the corner his breath caught in his lungs. Even in the darkness, he could
clearly make out Sirius’s shoulders, and James’ strong profile. His hair was as messy as ever,
and glasses askew on his nose. It hurt to see them; it pained Regulus horribly and
unreasonably deeply.

Sirius turned and unlike James, he looked different. His hair wasn’t quite as long as in school,
and his stance was less cocky, meant to draw attention. Instead, he looked weary.
 In the distance, there was the sound of a commotion, and Both James and Sirius straightened
up. “Shit, what’s going on?” James hissed.

Remus was going on, Regulus was sure, which meant he really needed to go. Turning his
back at that moment might have been the hardest thing he’d ever done. If it wasn’t for
Remus’s voice in the back of his mind, reminding Regulus of what was at stake, he may not
have done it. Yet somehow he turned.

He tried not to think about how alone he was once again, as for the first time in many
months, he ran without Remus Lupin at his side.

Chapter End Notes

I told you things would pick up from last chapter...

I'm always torn between making my chapters longer and breaking them where it feels
natural, so sorry this one is under 4k words.

I'm updating on Friday today because I have finals next week and I realized I will not
have time to update over this weekend because I've got to study :((

Next update NEXT WEEKEND

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Nine
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Italy

1983

Italy was not Sirius’s favorite place. He’d been firm in this belief beforehand, and he was
even firmer now having spent a good few weeks there. They’d found nothing. Not a single
godamn thing. Not only that, but on their third week, they’d somehow started a fight at some
random pub in the middle of nowhere. Which led to the owner chucking them out on the
street and nearly cursing them. Sirius wasn’t even sure how many witches there were in a
place like that, but he might have managed to anger the only one.

It was one unfortunate event after another. Once they’d fled the pub and gone looking for the
apothecary they’d come to the stupid town for in the first place, they discovered it was closed
for an indefinite amount of time and the owner was apparently missing. One of the only
potential leads they’d had was that this apothecary owner was some sort of knowledgeable
academic. So, they'd hit a dead end.

It was on that third week that Sirius had turned to James and said: “I think we need to go
home.”

Sirius kept James from his family long enough, it was clear that wherever Moony was, they
weren’t going to find any clues in Italy. Despite originally protesting James eventually
conceded and so with hanging heads, they went home.

Of course, Mad-Eye Moody was waiting for them as soon as they touched down on the
ground.
“Do you know how dumb the two of you are?” he hissed. “Insolent children running off to
another country in the middle of a war!”

Under any other circumstances Sirius might have argued, now, however, he felt stupid. They
hadn’t found a single trace of Remus. Nothing. Sirius didn’t even think he’d even be capable
of talking as the sinking feeling hit him, that he might never see Remus again.

He distantly registered Prongs talking with Mad-Eye but his head felt too fuzzy to discern
what they were saying. Eventually, though, the lecture ended, and James was gently pulling
Sirius into his house and sitting him down at the kitchen table. Sirius heard Lily’s voice
raised in a question and watched James just sadly shake his head.

Some amount of time later a cup of hot tea was being placed in front of Sirius and James was
pulling out the chair in front of him, leaning forward with the warm concern he did best.

“Pads, I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Sirius just shrugged numbly. “I don’t see what else we could have done... I- I think I lost the
love of my life.”

James’ expression flickered for a moment to something old and anguished before it smoothed
over again. “We don’t know that for sure,” James insisted. “Just because this was a dead end
doesn’t mean we’ll never find him.”

Sirius didn’t know how to voice his fear that Remus was out there somewhere and didn’t
want to be found. He knew James believed he was hurt or captured somewhere; Sirius wasn’t
so convinced. “Maybe,” Sirius agreed quietly, just because he couldn’t burst his friend’s
bubble.

--
It took Sirius a long time to realize he was in love with Remus Lupin. Like an absurdly stupid
amount of time, (something their friends had teased him mercilessly over) to the point where
by the time he realized what his feelings actually meant he’d surpassed the crush stage years
prior and had ended up head over heels, face down in the mud, in love.

When he realized it, that still didn’t make anything better. It took a long time for them to
learn not to get at each other’s throats over every little thing. They’d always been intense
together, nothing was done halfway, and everything ended in something so bright and intense
it hurt to remember. In retrospect, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black never should have worked
out, no one should have ever believed they would… but Sirius had believed it. Against all
odds, he’d felt it in his soul that Remus was a part of him. That if he had to live without him,
Sirius might as well just die. There was no world for Sirius Black without Remus Lupin.

Except now Sirius was living in it.

Well, living was overstating whatever it was he was doing.

Sirius felt lost. He felt like a ghost, a phantom of a life long passed by. Floating through his
days, stuck in between being gone and being somewhere. Unable to touch anything around
him, forced to watch as it all passed him by.

He couldn’t hate Remus. He wanted to. If Sirius could curse Remus’s name, if he could
simply say for sure that he’d been abandoned, maybe he could shock himself out of this
listless feeling. But he still didn't know what to believe.

In all honesty, Sirius was fairly certain he’d only made it this far because he lived his life
strong in his refusal to never look back. He didn’t think about his family, he certainly didn’t
think about his dead brother or the dark heaviness of growing up in that house. He didn’t
think about his dead friends, days spent running down the Hogwarts corridors... sunlight
painting their faces, breath rising up in puffs in the courtyard. Sirius didn’t think of it because
he didn’t know how to scratch out half the faces from the memory, so even the good ones
were pushed away.

Time passed slowly. Sirius stayed with Lily and James because he couldn’t fathom sleeping
alone in his own house, and frankly, his friends didn’t seem to want him to go either.
Days were long, boring... hard. There was very little to distract Sirius from reality. Nothing to
remove him from his own mind. It didn’t help that they’d been benched from all Order duties
for fucking off to Italy without approval. So, it was a surprise when James came tearing into
the guest room in the middle of the night.

“Pads,” he said breathlessly, “we’ve been summoned.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, Lily too. They want us on the field though, something about a break-in at Gringotts.”

“Okay,” Sirius was up and getting dressed in an instant.

He met James in the kitchen, Lily was dressed too, Harry on her hip. “I’m going to
headquarters she said, they need a healer on standby, just gonna drop this one off at Molly’s.”

Sirius frowned, that wasn’t good. Clearly, something was wrong. Lily went first, leaving
through the fire and James grabbed Sirius’s shoulder a second later, apparating them away.

As they entered Diagon Alley they drew their wands, walking slowly.

“You don’t think it’s serious?” James whispered. “I mean, why would the Death Eaters break
into Gringotts, they control it don’t they?”

“I don’t know, Prongs, we just go where Moody tells us don’t we?”

“But Sirius, they haven’t been sending us anywhere, not since Italy.”
Sirius frowned at that, James was right. They only had so many hands, but the fact that they
were being called in was worrying. The fact that Lily as a healer, was on duty, even more so.

In the distance, there was the sound of yells and the heavy pound of boots. Both Sirius and
James straightened up, shoulders tense.

“Shit, what’s going on?” James hissed

“I don’t know, we better go find out.” Sirius took a step forward, but James remained frozen
eyes darting to the shadows behind them.

“Prongs,” Sirius urged, and James turned back to face him.

“I swear there was something behind us,” He muttered, brow furrowed.

A crash tore James’s attention from the empty space behind them and Sirius grabbed him by
the arm. “No matter, we better hurry.” He said worriedly.

This time James didn’t pause, and they took off down the empty street. As they rounded the
corner Sirius spotted the Prewett twins with their wands raised, Moody was in front of them
stiff and imposing. Emmeline Vance stood off to the side, her eyes wide.

As Sirius took in what they were looking at his heart froze in his chest. “Moony,” he choked
out.

Not so long ago, Sirius had convinced himself he’d never see Remus Lupin again, yet now he
was standing in front of them, hands raised in surrender.

“I’m not going to fight you,” he said weakly tossing his wand on the ground in front of him.
Moody quickly snatched it up. “You know boy, most are under the assumption that you’re a
traitor or dead.”

As Mad-Eye shifted to the side slightly Sirius got a clear look at Remus’s face and almost
gasped. Even in the dim light, Sirius could see he’d been beaten to a pulp. An array of old
and new injuries painted his face. As he sunk to his knees in a sign of surrender, Sirius could
see the way he shook slightly.

“He needs a healer,” James spoke up, loudly.

“He’ll have no such thing until I know he’s not about to get us all killed,” Moody growled.
Before he could grill Remus however a large Phoenix patronus appeared in front of him.
Sirius didn’t hear what it said but it left Moody scowling. “Looks like we best take this show
on the road,” he said gruffly, pulling Remus up with no sympathy for the way he winced.
“We’re going to headquarters,” he told the rest of the group before heading off down the
street at an unforgiving pace.

James and Sirius exchanged a shocked look before quickly hurrying after him.

After everything... Remus was here?

Order of the Phoenix Headquarters

1983

Remus was beginning to wish he hadn’t told Regulus to hit him harder. Mad-Eye was not shy
with manhandling him into a chair and unceremoniously tying him down. It didn’t help that
he wasn’t happy with just one question to prove Remus’s identity but had thrown a slew of
them at him, scoffing when Remus in quite a state of pain, struggled to answer them quickly
enough.
“I think that’s quite enough,” Dumbledore’s voice broke through the tension of the room.
“You can untie Mr. Lupin.”

“We have no idea where he’s been,” Moody scoffed.

“And I’m sure he’ll be much more inclined to tell us when he isn’t bound to a chair and
suffering from his many injuries. Ms. Evans, if you could please heal Mr. Lupin?”

“Of course,” Lily said quickly dropping to her knees in front of his chair. “Remus,” she
murmured as she took in his bruises, but he only shook his head.

Though looking greatly upset, she made quick work of healing him, and a few moments later
he felt only a residual ache.

“Very good,” Dumbledore said as Lily stepped back. “Now, let’s all sit and have a civil
conversation.”

There was the scrape of chairs as they all settled around the large table and Remus carefully
kept his head down, afraid to meet Sirius’s eyes. As he did, he caught sight of a long bag
laying at the headmaster’s feet. It couldn’t be the sword… could it? Unless… Dumbledore
had some reason to believe that it was in danger, it would make sense for him to keep it close.
That of course begged the question of how much he knew. Did he know Regulus was alive?
Or did he simply know someone was hunting Horcruxes? But then, he must have at least
known the sword was a Horcrux.

“So, Remus, I’m afraid you have some explaining to do.”

He nodded swallowing hard as if it were a difficult story to tell. As Remus began to speak
spinning his tale, he did exactly as Regulus said, letting much of the truth bleed in. He let the
pain he felt at leaving Sirius, at keeping secrets and turning his back on the Order, come out
as pain at being held and controlled by Barty Crouch Jr. As he talked, he was almost
surprised when he realized that it looked like Dumbledore actually believed him.
“…Barty cared deeply for his friend Evan,” Remus said, and he knew it to be true, Regulus
had told him. “He’s always been cruel but Evan’s death disturbed him. He’s consumed with
revenge. I think he believed that if he caused a scene at Gringotts he could lure Mad-Eye
there and take his revenge. He was manic though, unstable, so I took my chance to get my
wand back. Once he realized how many Order members were on their way he panicked and
ran.”

“I didn’t notice anyone leave,” Mad-Eye said accusingly.

“I did,” James said suddenly. “I swear there was someone behind us when Sirius and I were
coming in.”

“Yes,” Emmeline agreed. “I didn’t see anyone but Tom the barman said he heard an
apparition right after Sirius and James got there, Crouch must have just gotten away.”

“He’s been known to be unstable,” Arthur Weasley frowned. “It’s not so much of a surprise
he kidnapped someone, Remus was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Yes, I’m afraid my research,” he stressed the word for Dumbledore, “led me right to him. I
should have been more careful, should have realized how insane he’d become.”

Dumbledore nodded. “I understand, you and I will have to talk alone, Remus, I think we have
much to discuss—” his words were cut off as a slivery cat patronus appeared in the room.

Urgent. Return to Hogwarts. The cat spoke in McGonagall’s clipped voice

Dumbledore frowned. “It seems we must cut this conversation short. We’ll talk soon.” He
stood handing the long bag to Moody. “You know what to do with this.”

Moody nodded seriously and a moment later Dumbledore was sweeping out of the room.
“That doesn’t sound like good news,” Emmeline said as the crack of the headmaster
disapparating sounded outside of the house.

Before anyone could speak everything immediately devolved into chaos. There was a loud
bang as the door flew off its hinges and a group of masked Death Eaters were storming the
house. The members of the Order reacted quickly despite their surprise and the room was
quickly filled with the sound of dueling. Remus, whose wand was still on the table where
Moody had been sitting a second before, dove to the ground, only narrowly avoiding a killing
curse. Shit, shit, shit.

He crawled, trying to get to the table but somebody was grabbing him roughly by the neck,
pulling him forward. Remus was face-to-face with a masked Death Eater and completely
wandless. Remus had just about decided to simply clock the Death Eater in the face when
they were suddenly sent flying backward and Sirius was there thrusting Remus’s wand into
his hand.

They paused, staring at each other for far too long considering there was a fight going on
before they both sprang into action. As they dueled, back-to-back, Remus watched as Moody
chased a Death Eater outside wand slashing threateningly. Even amidst the chaos, Remus
noticed that he’d left the sword at the table. Remus didn’t like himself when he realized that
if not for Sirius, James, and Lily, he might have simply grabbed the sword and run. Was this
who he'd become?

Before Remus could spiral into a reflection on his qualities as a human being, a large
explosion went off in the middle of the room throwing them backward. Remus’s back hit the
wall hard, and he tried to get back up, but his head was spinning and his ears ringing. To his
left, he could just make out Sirius moving, which was a good sign that he was at least alive.
There was no time to recover from the blast before sharp ropes were winding themselves
around Remus’s arms. Just like that, the Order members were collected and tied up like cattle
to the slaughter.

“Well,” a Death Eater laughed, pulling off her mask. “That was fun,” Bellatrix Lestrange said
grinning wildly. “I’d hoped you’d put up more of a fight, but it’s okay. The Dark Lord only
wishes to kill that Mad-Eye Moody himself,” she singsonged. “So the rest of you get to have
some fun while he’s chased down.”
Remus tried to struggle against his bindings, but they held him tight. His wand was on the
ground much too far from him and the only thing in his pocket was the stone… Fuck, the
stone. Of course, Remus was an idiot. Moving as slowly as possible so as to not alert any of
the Death Eaters, Remus closed his fingers around it, feeling it warm in his hand. He thought
hard of their location. After that, all there was to do was wait and pray.

“It’s a shame you’re all so boring,” Bellatrix complained as she walked down the line only
stopping at Sirius. He didn’t flinch or look away from her grin and it only grew at that. “Most
of you,” she conceded reaching out to prod Sirius’s cheeks. “You my dear cousin, have
always had a flair for the dramatic though, haven’t you?”

“Don’t touch him,” James growled, and Bellatrix spun around to face him gleefully.

“Awww,” she cooed. “Little Sirius has a protector. What are you gonna do, huh? Real scary
with those ropes around you.” To prove her point she turned back to Sirius drawing a knife
from her sleeve.

“No!” Remus choked out but she paid him no mind carving a long line down Sirius’s cheek.

Sirius to his credit, didn’t flinch even as blood dripped down his face. Remus felt sick as he
realized Sirius was probably used to this. He’s spent years being hurt by his family, of course,
he’d learned not to flinch. Something told him that if it were Regulus beneath that knife, he
wouldn’t either.

Bellatrix grinned at his lack of a reaction. “Pain is nothing to the great and noble Blacks,” she
said knowingly. “Don’t worry, I know how to break you.” She turned swiftly back to James
raising her knife to his neck. She drew a quick shallow cut, grinning and James winced at the
pain. That seemed to delight her.

“Leave him alone,” Sirius hissed.

“No, no I don’t think so. I think I’m going to carve his skin off bit by bit.” She punctuated her
words with another cut down James’ chest, his eyes squeezed shut, a gasp escaping his
mouth. “Then I’ll start to cut into him, take every organ out one at a time while you watch.”
She left another slash on James’s neck and then his cheek as he cried out. Sirius struggled
against his bindings in despair and Remus tightly squeezed the stone in his pocket, praying
for a miracle.

Remus wasn’t sure how he could have possibly built up any good karma with his actions
recently, but like his prayers had been answered the room was suddenly plunged into
darkness.

“What’s going on?” Bellatrix hissed, the other Death Eaters only looked around confused,
barely visible in the dim light.

The door opened and a cloaked Death Eater stepped in. “What is it?” Bellatrix demanded,
looking at the figure expectantly.

They didn’t move, only surveying the scene for a long moment. “Excuse me?” Bellatrix
stepped forward threateningly, the Death Eater didn’t flinch.

Bellatrix moved to raise her knife to the Death Eater’s throat until much to Remus’s surprise
they countered her attack, twisting her knife with a practiced hand. Bellatrix seemed shocked
as she watched the blade fall. The other Death Eaters were as well. Enough so, that for a long
moment, no one reacted. The newly arrived Death Eater had the element of surprise and in
one swift movement, Bellatrix was thrust backward as a ball of light exploded from the
figure’s wand.

Remus recognized the spell instantly; Regulus had spent weeks perfecting it after all.

The Death Eaters went flying and Remus felt helpless as the fight went on around them, all of
the Death Daters against Regulus Black. The thing was, Remus knew Regulus was brilliant,
he’d known he was powerful, but he’d never seen it utilized in a fight before. Now he was
lightning quick, firing off so many spells Remus didn’t recognize, he was sure they were of
Regulus’s own creation.
As soon as it had begun, the fight was over, the Death Eaters freezing before disapparating
one by one. Based on the way Regulus stiffened as well, Remus wondered if he still felt the
call from the dark mark on his own arm.

Waving his wand, the light flickered back on, and Regulus turned to face them, Death Eater
mask still in place. Remus wondered who he’d pulled it off of.

“A bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Remus remarked.

Regulus just sighed waving his wand to remove Remus’s binding. Sirius’s eyes were wide
darting back and forth between Remus and what the rest of them probably suspected to be
some rouge Death Eater… though Remus supposed they would be right on that account. He
knew it must have not escaped their notice that everyone else remained tied up but Remus.

Remus stood gingerly wincing from where his back had hit the wall, Regulus reach out
grabbing his shoulder as he examined Remus carefully “I’m fine,” he complained, gently
prying his hands off. “We’ve been separated all of a few hours, I’m afraid you’re becoming
codependent.”

“Codependent,” Regulus muttered under his breath and Sirius seemed to cease breathing in
the corner, pausing as he listened carefully. Probably only picking up the whisper of his
brother’s voice, not enough to place it, but enough to recognize something.

“I think Dumbledore knows you’re alive,” Remus told him.

Regulus shifted slightly, despite the fact that his face was covered Remus could still tell the
way his gaze drifted from Sirius and then to James, who was still bleeding quite a bit. He
paused and Remus could feel the concern coming off him.

“He’ll be fine, the cuts aren’t that deep, Lily can heal him as soon as we’re gone,” Remus
reassured him.
“Um excuse me, am I the only one who wants to know who the fuck are you, what going on,
and why you care about the fact that you’re letting James bleed out at this very moment?”
Lily hissed her voice rising with every word.

Remus rubbed at his temple. “It’s… very, very complicated, Lils,” he said wearily.

“Regulus?” James spoke suddenly, his voice was shaky, but it was sure and at that single
word, the air seemed to be sucked from the room.

Regulus froze and that was more than enough confirmation for James as his eyes widened
mouth falling open in shock.

Looking to Remus, Regulus slowly peeled off his mask, throwing it to the ground with a look
of disgust. “Well, this is a shit show,” he muttered.

Sirius choked on a gasp in the corner and Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted to run to him or as
far as possible so the guilt wouldn’t swallow him whole.

He settled for ignoring this terribly awkward situation for the time being. “Yeah, but I got the
sword.” Remus leaned down picking it up from where Moody had dropped it. The older man
still hadn’t returned but Remus figured it was only a matter of time.

Regulus seemed to momentarily forget that his brother and ex-boyfriend were staring at him
in shock as he turned to Remus with wide eyes. “Remus Lupin,” he breathed. “I forget you
aren’t an idiot.”

“You mean you think I’m brilliant and care deeply for me,” Remus raised his eyebrows,
Regulus scowled at the suggestion but didn’t contradict him, which was answer enough.

“You’re dead,” Sirius cut in sharply. “you’re dead!” He repeated hysterically. “You’re dead
and my dead brother should certainly not be conspiring and bantering with my boyfriend
who’s been missing for months!”
Regulus’s eyes flicked to Sirius. “Yes,” he said sharply “your brother is dead. He was dead
the moment he tried to cut the dark mark from his arm and walked down to his death. I’m not
him.”

The last thing anyone expected at that moment was for James Potter to laugh, but laugh he
did.

Regulus turned to James as if it pained him, like if he looked too long he might burn up.

“You’re a piece of shit,” James said as his laughs turned half-hysteric. “What the fuck? This
can’t be real, I haven’t spent all these years—” James choked on the words laughing once
more. “When- oh merlin, when you’re not even dead.”

Contrary to the sharpness he’d leveled at Sirius, Regulus reacted in a way Remus had only
seen a handful of times, his expression while pained, softened. He looked… regretful.

It was at that moment that Remus realized he’d originally been very, very wrong. Regulus
Black did love James Potter. Loved him more than probably most anything else on the planet.
Because never, not once, had Remus ever heard or seen Regulus express actual regret, much
less the three words that fell out of his mouth next.

“I’m sorry.”

James flinched at the words. His eyes were burning, furious and filled with tears.

With that Regulus turned to Remus and he knew it was time to go.

“We should—” Remus began but Regulus was already waving his wand.
 “The bindings will remove themselves in fifteen minutes,” he explained. “By then we’ll be
long gone. I don’t advise you try to follow. We’re not your enemy, but we’re not your allies
either. If you get in our way I won’t hesitate to take care of you.”

“I don’t expect you to understand,” Remus added slowly his gaze flicking from Sirius’s
furious expression to James’s conflicted anguish. Lily just looked horrified. “But I wouldn’t
be doing this without a good reason, we have to end this war and I’m not above making
sacrifices to do it. I’m sorry really, don’t think I don’t love you three with all my heart.”

He turned to Regulus who held out an arm. “Ready?”

With one last glance, Remus took it and the ravaged Order of the Phoenix headquarters
disappeared beneath them, taking three of the people Remus loved most with it.

Chapter End Notes

Lmfao not James and Sirius getting kicked out of Isa's pub, in the little time there spent
in Italy.

Anyway, I told you it's nonstop now! I was very conflicted once again on how early to
reveal Regulus but don't worry, you still won't be spared later suspense in other matters.

Finals are over and I'm still alive! Another semester is done, only three more to go
(which both fills me with hope and panic!)

But now I'm out of school for two months and will be writing, writing, writing! I also
started writing a spider-man Jegulus AU which you should definitely read :))

next update NEXT WEEKEND!!

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Ten
Chapter Notes

Does it drive you insane that my posting the prologue as the first chapter puts all the
chapter counts off? Because it sure does drive me insane!!

Anyway, if you want you should listen to "Did you know that there's a tunnel under
Ocean Blvd" by Lana Del Rey while reading this chapter (and really a large chunk of the
fic from here on out) because I've been listening to it on repeat while writing, so it kinda
gives you an experience :))

See the end of the chapter for more notes

California

1983

Mary Macdonald was a coward. She had no qualms in admitting that. However, a coward she
may be, she also wasn’t dead, which was more than a lot of her friends could say.

“Hey.”

Mary looked away from the kitchen window, blinking away the spots the bright sunlight
painted in her vision.

“Hm?”

“I’m about to head out, shouldn’t you be leaving for work too?”
Mary nodded tucking a short curl behind her ear, she felt restricted, in her put-together work
clothes, but she was used to it at this point. “Yes, yes,” she sighed. “I hate Mondays.”

“A common feeling, I think,” Chris smiled, he grabbed the lid of Mary’s coffee cup and fitted
it on before sliding it to her “I’ll walk you to the car.”

Mary rolled her eyes. “It’s not walking me to my car if it’d only because you happen to be
going outside to your own car as well.”

Chris just laughed kissing her on the cheek before grabbing his briefcase.

At sixteen, the idea of being with someone like Christopher would have appalled Mary. He
was so intensely normal. Everything about him from his brown hair to his everyday works
suits was mundane. Life was routine, they both worked similar hours, came home, and
cooked dinner, or maybe they’d order takeout if they were particularly wiped. They had a cat
who liked to knock over their house plants and on weekends they went to dinner parties or
stayed in to watch the American cartoons Mary still found strange.

Life was boring, nothing like the adventure-filled, intense whirlwind of a lifestyle Mary had
once pictured for herself.

She loved Chris, even in all his ordinariness. They’d gotten married last spring and knowing
all of Mary’s family was dead, Chris’s father had insisted on walking Mary down the aisle.
He had, whispering in her ear as he gave her away:“I’m glad he found someone as wonderful
as you.” At that moment, she knew she’d made the right choice.

She was reminded of it now as he smiled at her, waving before sliding into his own car and
pulling out of the driveway. No, it hadn’t been what Mary expected, but she loved Chris. She
loved waking up next to him every day and going through their morning routines in an easy
quiet. She loved how he always reminded her to bring her coffee. How he made her tea
whenever she had a nightmare even though her never quite understood the value of good tea
in all his American-ness.
Mary loved her life too, even the parts she suffered through. Like being accosted by Layla
Meyers as soon as she walked through the front doors that morning.

“Morning, Mary,” Layla said not even giving Mary time to respond before barreling forward.
“So I was thinking about your curriculum for the rest of the year, you know we only have a
few weeks left of school, and I’m a little worried your class isn’t where it should be.”

“My class is perfectly fine, we’ve covered all the state-required material.”

“Yes, but see some of the grades on your tests are below average.”

“We’ve been over this, Layla.”

The principal frowned. "Yes, yes, you’re not a fan of standardized tests but it’s not up to you,
or me for that matter.”

“They’re fourth graders,” Mary insisted. “You’ll find if you look at the rest of their marks
that they’re all doing very well.”

“Yes, yes, look this is just a warning, Mary, I expect better next year. Their test scores are
important whether you think so or not. You need to spend more time teaching that material.”

Mary wanted to throttle Layla, but really she did know it wasn’t Layla’s fault, the state
required them to teach certain things, as useless as it seemed. Deciding not the prolong the
conversation Mary just shrugged with a clipped: “Fine.”

“Remember the staff meeting this week!” Layla called after her as Mary set off down the
hall.

“I’ll be there,” Mary said over her shoulder, speeding up her walk to enter her classroom and
closing the door with a sigh.
So, her life wasn’t perfect, but the bad bits seemed to fade away when the time came for
school to start and her students began to filter into the classroom, chattering excitedly about
their weekends and whatever other random things fourth graders found important.

“Okay, class!” Mary clapped her hands once they were all settled. “Let’s do our Monday
warm-up, everyone tell me one thing that happened this weekend good or bad. Jason, why
don’t you start?”

Jason smiled, happy to be chosen. “Well, Mrs. Jackson, I went to the beach. My mom kept
‘saying no, no it’s too cold!’ she didn’t want to go.” Jason said obviously mimicking what he
thought his mother’s voice sounded like. “But my dad said ‘Sally, we live in California and
it’s basically summer,’ Sally is my mom’s name,” he added before continuing. “So we went
to the beach and my mom pretended she was mad, but we had a fun time and I built this
sandcastle which my brother destroyed, so he had to sit in time out.”

“Great Jason, that sounds like an exciting weekend!” Mary smiled. “Okay, Emily, why don’t
you go next?”

As the next student began her own tale which involved a terrible number of ‘boring’ errands
as Emily put it, Mary leaned back on her desk nodding along.

Yes, Mary liked her life very much. Ordinary or not.

She would go through her lesson, break for recess and lunch, inevitably end some stupid
argument or bickering between her students, and most likely struggle to get through her entire
lesson plan for the day. Then, when it was all over she would grade some homework, clean
up her classroom, and head home where it was Chris’s night to make dinner. The next day
she’d do it all again, and again. She’d probably keep butting heads with Layla over the
mandated state testing, dread every staff meeting and almost forget her coffee every day for
the next ten years if nothing changed, and honestly, Mary didn’t see it changing and she was
okay with that.

See, because ordinary meant she woke up every morning safe in her warm house with her
husband. Ordinary meant she didn’t have to spend every second looking over her shoulder, it
meant her wand stayed locked in a safe at home and she rarely reached for it anymore. She
didn’t live in constant fear of needing it these days. Ordinary meant she was Mary Jackson
and that was quite fine with her.

An exciting, adventurous life looked like paralyzing fear, like waking up every morning and
praying she’d make it through the day. It meant staring at Marlene McKinnon’s bloodied
body, her broken neck, and unseeing eyes looking up at Mary accusingly. Like Mary had
failed, like she’d done this. Exciting was pushing Marlene’s hair from her face, sobbing so
hard it tore through Mary’s chest breaking open into the chilled air. It was trying her best to
remember Marlene any other way, to see the way she’d smiled or how the sunlight used to
paint her golden hair. But when Mary closed her eyes, all she saw was her friend’s broken
neck. Exciting was standing in a house surrounded by the corpses of her parents and brother.

So, Mary loved her ordinary life.

And these days, she so rarely considered what it used to be. She didn’t dwell on her school
days, the good times when she felt like together, they could take on the world. She didn’t
think about Lily, the way the girl had found her that night, eyes wide when she stopped in
Mary’s doorway.

“What are you doing?” Lily had asked quietly, even though she was smart enough to know
the answer already.

“I can’t do this.”

“You’re leaving.”

“My family is dead,” Mary bit out, zipping her suitcase violently. “Dorcas is dead, Marlene is
dead.” She turned finally looking Lily in the eye. “I don’t want to die,”

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Lily said stubbornly.

“You don’t have the power to control that.”

Lily’s gaze burned down to Mary’s bones, fire dancing in her green eyes. “I don’t want you to
go,” she said fiercely.

Mary stepped forward, touching Lily’s pale wrist, she wanted to cup the other girl’s face, to
trace every line of her jaw, ingrain it in her memory forever. She didn’t. Instead, Mary let her
hand fall to squeeze Lily’s only once before stepping back.

“I love you, Mary,” Lily had whispered, and Mary didn’t know what that meant, it didn’t
matter anymore though. The days of wondering what those words from Lily Evans were
saying had passed, it was irrelevant. Even though Mary had sometimes convinced herself at
times that Lily might love her the same, there was no evidence of that. Even if there had
been, Mary didn’t think it would have been enough to make her stay.

Mary had grabbed her bag and pushed past Lily, down the stairs, and out the front door, and
Mary had left that place. She hadn’t said I love you back, because Mary was sure hers was a
different kind.

She’d never seen Lily again and probably never would, but these days that thought stung a
little less. Mary truly did love Chris and it was different than she’d felt for Lily, but not any
less real. It was certainly easier.

So, while a coward she may be, Mary was happy.

Mary was alive.

Ottery St. Catchpole

1983

~
The end of his fifth year, Regulus had come up to Pandora, his shoulders stiff, his face blank.
She’d known instantly something was wrong, something was very, very wrong. She’d pulled
him away, hiding them away together and he’d grasped her arm. It wasn’t until she’d pulled
him into a tight hug that Regulus had begun to sob. Then, once all the tears had wrenched
themselves from his body Regulus had straightened fixed his hair, and spelled the redness
from his face. As he pulled back, there wasn’t a trace of emotion on his face, his shoulders
were straight his chin raised, every bit the untouchable Black heir. Pandora knew Regulus hid
so much, but that was the first time she’d wondered just how many times he’d done this to
himself.

The second time Pandora had seen that look on his face was days before he’d died. His hair
had been cut short in the last year, no doubt because he could no longer manage it. His cheeks
were hollow, and the only color in his face at all came from the dark bruises under his eyes.
His fingers had shaken in every movement, eyes flitting around the room in a constant state
of paranoia, jumping at any sudden movement. He’d smelled of potions, but even if he
hadn’t, the bottles that littered his messy library were proof enough.

She’d gotten used to seeing him high within the past few years, but recently it’d been getting
worse, and she didn’t know how to help him. Regulus had become even more manic and
deranged, sleeping less, working himself to the bone, holed up in his bitterly cold childhood
home.

Despite the tremor in his hands, Regulus’s voice had been still.

“I need your help,” he’d whispered, and Pandora had agreed without even a second of
hesitation, listening carefully as he described what he’d found. He omitted a lot of details,
Pandora could tell but she hadn’t pushed, it was the first time Regulus had ever admitted
aloud to not agreeing with the Death Eater’s agenda.

Later Pandora would wish she had pushed for more details, said anything worthy of a very
last conversation with her best friend. But she hadn’t known.

Sometimes, she thought she should have. Regulus had never been entirely inclined towards
living. His death hadn’t been a surprise, not truly, but it hadn’t been easy either.
It never got easier.

Eventually, it made more sense though, eventually, she could forgive Regulus for trying to do
the right thing, for dying for it. She knew he never would have been able to live with himself
if he’d never tried.

It made even more sense when James Potter had shown up at her door. She hadn’t known at
first, but as soon as he’d spoken of Regulus, something in his voice far too raw, it’d fallen
into place. Pandora had almost wanted to laugh, of course, Regulus Black had managed to
fall in love with the person who guaranteed him the most doomed relationship possible. Of
course, it was the brightest, warmest, and most Gryffindor boy in all of Hogwarts. His
estranged brother’s soulmate of a best friend.

What a terribly tragic thing. She could see exactly why it’d been James out of every person in
the world, it was clear in the care in his voice when he’d urged her to leave. James Potter
didn’t even know her, but he cared anyway, he wanted her and her family to be safe.

Pandora crept into Luna’s room, her footsteps careful so as not to wake the young girl. The
stars Pandora had painted glinted on the ceiling, charmed to shimmer like the real night sky.
As she glanced up, she caught Regulus’s constellation, looking down on them.

Resisting the urge to touch Luna’s sleeping form, lest she wake her up, Pandora settled for
simply watching the rise and fall of her chest. Admiring the way her pale hair was starting to
grow quite long as she got older. She wasn’t such a baby anymore and the thought clenched
its hand around Pandora’s heart. Soon Luna would be old enough to understand that the
world around her wasn’t quite right, that things were scary and cruel. Pandora didn’t want
that to happen, she didn’t want her baby to ever see war.

“Pandora,” Xenophilius’s voice came quietly from the doorway and Pandora turned, stepping
soundlessly out of Luna’s room and shutting the door. “Is everything okay, my love?” he
asked her.

Pandora stepped forward letting her head fall onto her husband’s chest as his hands instantly
wrapped around her waist, pulling her tightly to him. He handled her as always, with such
care and reverence.
“Philius,” she murmured into his shoulder. “This isn’t the world I want our daughter to live
in.”

He pulled away slightly to look down at her, a hand coming up to cradle her face, they’d had
the conversation before, they’d considered leaving, but honestly, Pandora hadn’t been ready
to give up hope. This was their home, this was their world, and Pandora had tried to believe
the violence and death would end soon. It hadn’t. Maybe it wouldn’t and she wasn’t sure they
should risk it anymore.

“Is it time?” he asked her quietly.

“If it weren’t for Luna…” she said helplessly. “I feel wrong, abandoning everything, not
fighting in this war. But if I have to be selfish to keep our daughter safe… then yes, I think
it’s time.”

“Where would we go?”

“Anywhere, as long as it’s far from here.”

Philius pulled her to him once more. “Then we’ll go,” he whispered.

The relief that filled her almost overpowered the stray wave of guilt, Regulus had wanted to
fight, but Regulus hadn’t had a family to lose.

Pandora closed her eyes, thinking of Regulus’s constellation, shining down from the sky,
even though the clouds were low that night, even through the roof of their house, she hoped
he was watching.

She hoped he’d understand.

 Hogwarts

1977

“Let’s play a game,”

Regulus turned, surveying James with an unimpressed stare. “A game?” he repeated in

distaste.

“Yes,” James shook his head, a fond smile turning his lips up softly “let’s call it Happily Ever
After.”

Regulus scoffed. “What is this game? Are you making it up?”

“Yes, but it’ll be fun. Like a what-if game.”

“What-if?”

“Yeah, like what if we could have happily ever after.”

Regulus paused, but James was still leaning back against the sofa, his expression smooth and
it didn’t seem like this was about to become an argument. He didn’t speak it like a challenge,
so Regulus decided not to treat it like a fight either. “A bit morbid.”

“Maybe,” James shrugged. “But think about it. Imagine there are no obstacles in our way, no
reason for us not to be able to do whatever we wanted, what would you do?”
“I’d have two deserts after every meal.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Not what I meant.”

Regulus crossed his arms. “My parents have very strict rules about food.”

“You could have two desserts now, Reg. They wouldn’t even know what you eat here,”
James pointed out.

“I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“Okay, okay, but I mean like… well, I’d introduce you to my parents.”

Regulus scoffed. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“I would,” James sat up to lean in closer to Regulus. “They’d absolutely love you I just know
it. You’d pretend you didn’t like them because they can be a bit warm and smothering, but
really you’d adore them, and we’d have dinner with them every weekend. My mum would
teach you how to cook some of our favorite dishes, I bet you’d get it no problem since you’re
so brilliant at potions, it’s not so different.”

A part of Regulus wanted to point out all the reasons this would never ever happen, the other
was stuck on the idea of James wishing Regulus could meet his parents. “What else?”
Regulus asked deciding to humor him and James’ face broke into a bright grin that made it
all worth it.

“We’d have a house in the countryside, somewhere you can breathe without the smog of
London. You could grow all your little plants for potions, and we’d have a dog and a cat,
though you’d definitely argue about the dog. I’d decorate the house—”
“Wait hold on, why do you get to decorate the house?” Regulus cut him off.

“Because your style is all gothic dungeon, that’s not right for our cottage.”

“It is not!”

“Really, so how would you decorate it?” James challenged.

“It’d be the perfect mix between classic and cozy.” Regulus crossed his arms. “We’d of
course, have some classic furniture and priceless art pieces, but we’d have a comfy sofa and
lots of chairs and pillows. Bookshelves in every room, but most of them would be mine
because you never fucking finish a book and I refuse to let you collect an impossible pile of
books that will take you ten years to read.”

James laughed. “Prick,” he complained grabbing Regulus and pulling him into his chest. “I
would read them if I didn't have schoolwork to worry about.”

“I don’t believe that, it’s not as if you spend any time on homework now.”

James gasped in mock offense. “I’ll have you know I’m a great student, Regulus Black.”

“Not as a result of any effort, that’s just pure luck.”

James poked him and Regulus pushed him back in retaliation, forcing James farther back into
the couch as he climbed onto his lap. James responded to the push predictably not by fighting
back but instead pulling Regulus down into a hungry kiss. Regulus let his hands slide into
James’ hair, letting the familiar feel of it sliding through his fingers ground him.

The kiss was hard and sweet, tinged by something that always seemed to hover over their
shoulders these days, the bitter knowledge that it wasn’t forever.
 There would be no cottage, no cat or dog, no meeting James’ parents.

Years later James would always come back to this moment, wondering what would have
happened if he hadn’t proposed a game at all, if he’d simply begged Regulus to go. Insisted
on it, if eventually, Regulus would have given in.

When Regulus would look back, he’d be glad James hadn’t. Because he might have given in,
and even then if they got their cottage and their domestic bliss, there never would have been a
happily ever after.

Chapter End Notes

Fun fact: I actually had the next chapter as chapter ten, but I wanted to break things up
here.

I had intended this new chapter to be like an interlude but I wound up really loving it
and I think seeing these bits is really important to keep in mind while we follow the
characters who DID choose to stay and fight. Realistically, in a war, not everyone
wants/chooses to be a hero and that's human.

I'm on winter break now so I might go to posting twice a week, but you will have
another update by NEXT WEEKEND at the very least.

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Eleven
Chapter Notes

I want to put a trigger warning for this chapter for suicidal ideation!!

It's very, very brief, and really just alluded to here but it will be more present in future
chapters so I want to put it out there now. It's all in past tense, and not very graphic but
it's there! So stay safe guys

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Order of The Pheonix Headquarters

1983

James couldn't breathe.

Distantly he was aware that Sirius was yelling. Lily’s fingers were gripping his wrist,
attempting to ground him. As James swayed slightly the world around him looked fuzzy and
James looked down, realizing his hands were wet with blood. He slowly raised his hand to
his neck, Lily had healed him as much as she could but it still stung as he felt the raised
tender skin where she’d knitted him back together.

An image flashed through his mind. A group of long scars down a pale neck. Dark curls,
narrowed eyes, and another scar deep and rough on his smooth cheek.

Regulus.

Regulus Black, living breathing. Turning his eyes towards James, his sharpness smoothing
ever so slightly just as it always had. As if nothing had changed. As if James was still
something special to him, something nestled in his chest like they were still teenagers.
Regulus Black who James had spent years mourning.

“Prongs!”

James hadn’t realized the arguing had ceased and Moody and Dumbledore who Sirius had
been angrily conversing with, had left the room until Sirius was standing in front of him
gripping his shoulders and the room was dead silent.

Seeing the look of distress on Sirius’s face left James immediately snapping back to himself
as he was filled with guilt. Padfoot had just discovered his boyfriend was a traitor and
running around with his dead/actually-not-dead Death Eater brother. James was being selfish.

“Are you okay?” James choked out and Sirius just paused blinking.

They stood like that for a long moment, face-to-face.

“You knew.”

“What?”

“You. Knew.” Sirius repeated stiffly, his jaw clenched. “How did you know? He hadn’t talked
he’d barely done anything, but you knew it was him and I didn’t. Did you know Regulus was
alive?”

“No,” James said quickly. “I had no idea.”

“Then how the fuck did you know it was him?”

“I just did okay! Because I kn—”

As James broke off Sirius’s brow furrowed. “Because you knew him?” he finished for James.
“He apologize to you. Not anyone else, just you.”

James should have taken the first chance to admit everything. He’d justified keeping it quiet
for years under the pretense that Regulus was dead, and it would do no good to bring it up.
Except… he wasn’t. James still couldn’t really swallow the thought, so he pressed his tongue
to the roof of his mouth and tried to breathe.

For much of his life, James Potter hadn’t considered himself a coward. He’d always been
confident and bold, there were few things he feared. Telling Sirius that he’d been secretly in
love with his Death Eater brother was unfortunately, one of those few things. So, maybe
James was a coward because even as Lily froze next to him. He didn’t come clean.

“We talked a bit in school, okay?”

“Talked,” Sirius repeated, in disbelief.

“Yes,” James said guiltily. “We both flew a lot outside of practice, so we were on the pitch
often at the same time. At first, I thought I could get through to him about you, so I started
talking to him. I never told you because I knew you’d be angry, and you wouldn’t
understand.”

Sirius scoffed at that. “I don’t fucking understand. What? You were friends then?”

“Not exactly,” James said, and that at least was true.

Sirius didn’t look like he believed him. “What the fuck could you even have had to talk
about?”
“I dunno, books, literature.”

“Books? You?”

“Yes,” James crossed his arms. “You know I’ve always liked adventure stories, he told me
about Greek mythology. Quests and gods and all that, I thought it was interesting.”

Sirius surveyed James like he was from another planet. “I know,” he said accusingly “I know
you like action stories. I know you. I know you better than anyone so what I don’t get is why
you would keep it a secret rather than saying ‘hey Sirius, I know you’ll be mad but I’m
friends with your brother now, you deserve to know’. That’s what I don’t get.”

“I couldn’t do that. Do you really expect me to believe you wouldn’t have been upset?”

“Of course, I would have but I would have gotten over it because you’re my person James!”

“No, you wouldn’t, Sirius. You never would have forgiven me because he wasn’t my fucking
friend!”

Sirius threw his hands in the air. “Then what was he?” he asked his voice rising to a yell.

“I loved him!”

That seemed to be the very last thing Sirius expected James to say and he froze, mouth open
like he meant to speak but didn’t know how. Honestly, James hadn’t expected himself to say
that either. He’d planned to lie, he’d been lying until suddenly it was spilling out.

When Sirius still failed to respond James shook his head looking away shamefully. “That’s
why,” he said quietly. “Because I fell in love with your brother. You wouldn’t have forgiven
me, and I know that you won’t.”
Sirius for maybe the first time in his life was rendered complete and totally speechless.

“What?” Sirius asked after what felt like an eternity, his voice hoarse.

“I don’t think I can make it clearer,” James said quietly.

Sirius just stared for a moment longer before turning on his heel and storming out of the
room. James watched him go, an awful taste on his tongue as he realized he’d finally done it,
he’d lost his best friend.

--

They burned the cup and the sword together.

It was easier this time, to watch them burn. Neither cried, but Regulus did reach out and grip
Remus’s arm tightly. Remus was fairly sure that was as much for his sake as it was Regulus’s.

Three Horcruxes down. They knew of at least two more, the Diary and Ravenclaw’s Diadem,
both of which proved equally as difficult to procure. Their options were locating a long-
vanished diadem or sneaking the diary out from under Voldemort. Remus tried not to let it
overwhelm him. After all, not so long ago he’d thought getting the cup and sword to be
almost impossible as well.

They didn’t have time to breathe, much less celebrate. As soon as they’d destroyed the two
Horcruxes they were off again, even more vigilant now that the Order knew of them.

One night, tucked into a tent (much to Regulus’s distaste, he hated when they had to camp),
Regulus turned slowly to Remus.
He was laying on his sleeping bag, curls fanned out around his head. He looked so young as
Remus paused, turning from the book he was reading to raise an eyebrow at the other man.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Regulus muttered turning his head to look back up at the tent ceiling.

Remus just turned back to his book, flipping a page while Regulus disappeared into his mind.
He was chewing the inside of his cheek, his brow furrowed, and Remus knew he was
working on some kind of plan or idea. He knew when Regulus had thoroughly torn it apart in
his head, weighing the merits and costs, only then would he tell Remus.

An hour or so later Regulus sat up suddenly. “I have an idea,” he said slowly.

Remus marked the page in his book and placed it on the ground, looking at the other man
expectantly.

“I might have figured out how to get to the diary.”

Remus straightened at that, the diary had been a large point of concern for them. “How so?”

“Narcissa.”

“Malfoy?” Remus asked in surprise.

“My cousin,” Regulus corrected.

Remus thought those two things weren’t mutually exclusive, but he let it slide “Okay, what
about her?”
“Lucius had the diary for safekeeping last I heard. Even if it was moved since then, she might
know where and how to find it.”

“Would she help us?” Remus asked disbelievingly.

“Given the right incentive, yes I think so. But it’d be a risk if we don’t offer her exactly the
right thing… Cissa knows how to survive, she knows how to stand in the corner of the room
and get overlooked. No one has ever perceived her as a threat, but she is. She’s cunning and
knows how to play things to get what she wants from the sidelines.”

“What does she want?”

“See,” Regulus frowned, “that’s where the risk comes in. She was fond of me, if I reveal I’m
alive she’d probably be swayed slightly by that. But we’d need something else, a reason for
her to put herself at risk.”

“Well, what’s important to her?”

Regulus paused for a moment thinking hard before his eyes widened. “She had a baby,” he
said slowly. “She always wanted a child, she used to tell me all the things she would do that
our family never did. How she’d love and cherish a child, put nothing above them… I
wonder how she feels about that child being at the center of a war.”

Remus thought briefly of Harry and tried not to flinch at the ache that bloomed in his chest.
Lily and James would probably do anything for him, if Narcissa felt even a fraction of that
for her own child…

Remus tried not to think about how much of Harry’s life Remus would never get to see, as
the thought of the little boy crossed his mind.
“We should sleep on it,” Regulus said after a long moment of silence. “It is a risk.”

Remus nodded turning back to his book, risk or not, he was afraid they were past the point of
playing it safe.

Number Twelve Grimmauld Place

1983

Why he kept vowing to never return to this god-awful house, Sirius didn’t know. Because
here he was, yet again.

He wasn’t sure what he was looking for.

Sirius had woken in the middle of the night, alone in his own bed, the other side cold, the
house empty. For a moment he’d imagined that it was a year earlier. That he’d crawl out of
his empty bed and the light would be on down the hall. That Remus would be working in his
study bent over a book and he’d look up when Sirius came in begging him to come back to
bed, smiling fondly though still rolling his eyes.

But when Sirius had opened his bedroom door the house was dark. Remus’s study was
covered in dust, books left on his desk untouched. One of them was marked halfway through
and Sirius wondered if Remus missed it, if he remembered he’d never finished it.

The thought had stung, pulling barbed wire tight around his heart. So, Sirius had slammed the
door shut and put on his shoes, fleeing the empty place he used to consider a home. He hadn’t
lived there since Remus had left, staying with James and Lily instead, but he couldn’t do that
anymore either. Not when he could barely stomach looking at James.
Sirius felt lost. He didn’t know what he thought he’d achieve by returning to Grimmauld
Place, but he needed something. Some sort of answers, anything that could help him make
sense of any of it. That was how he found himself standing outside the door of his brother’s
childhood bedroom.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there with his hand on the doorknob, but it took more than
a few deep breaths before Sirius gathered the nerve to push the door open.

When he stepped over the threshold, the room was dim and dusty. Only a small amount of
light from the slowly rising sun was filtering through the heavy green curtains and Sirius
pushed them open, coughing as it kicked up dust. Sirius turned slowly. Much of the room was
the same as it had been for many years. Green décor, dark and heavy. Making the room look
gloomy and depressing. Regulus’s old school trunk was at the foot of his bed.

Sirius opened it slowly to discover it was entirely empty, not even a broken quill or single
sickle at the bottom. Of course, trust Regulus to be the only person on earth to completely
deep clean his trunk. Letting the lid fall shut with a bang, Sirius turned away to survey the
rest of the room. There were clippings from The Daily Prophet and as Sirius shifted a pile
with his toe, he realized they all had to do with Voldemort and the war.

On the far wall was a large bookshelf and Sirius examined the titles knowing that this, unlike
the library was Regulus’s personal collection. Things he’d read that were important to him.
His favorite books that he’d read over and over until the pages were worn and soft. It was this
knowledge that stopped Sirius dead at a large collection of books titled Pureblood Culture
Costumes and History, volumes one through eight. He knew his brother loved to learn, and
frankly, he was probably interested in pureblood culture, but not bedroom bookcase
interested, this was a collection that belonged in the library.

Living in the Black household, one learned certain skills to survive. Sirius’s skillset had more
to do with how to take a cruciatus, how to smile through a mouth of blood. How to never shut
his mouth, never lie down, and take anything regardless of the consequences. Regulus had
been the complete opposite.

Sirius had watched his little brother as a smiley curious child, he’d wanted to know the
answers to everything, answers that Sirius at six didn’t know any better than his five-year-old
brother. But Sirius had tried his best because by the time Regulus was six and Sirius was
seven, he’d learned their parents didn’t entertain questions. So, the only person Regulus
could ask was Sirius, eventually, he became the only person Regulus really talked to at all.
Regulus grew up to be quiet, reserved, and careful at every step. He’d learned how to hide,
how to avoid any punishments in the first place. He learned to keep quiet and disappear when
needed.

Slowly, Sirius pulled out a random volume in the middle, just because he knew Regulus
would have hated that. As the book fell open, at first glance it seemed to indeed be full of
nonsense on pureblood history, but Sirius knew better. He pulled out his wand trying to recall
the concealing spell Regulus had created at eleven. It’d been simple but effective in the fact
that he and Sirius were the only two people in existence who knew it.

After a moment of wracking his brain, Sirius remembered the words and he whispered the
spell. As he’d suspected, the boring blocks of text shimmered and disappeared, revealing
Regulus’s neat looping handwriting. It was a journal, Sirius realized as he flipped back a page
to the start of the entry. Looking at the date, he realized Regulus must have been about
thirteen.

I received a letter from mother today. She isn’t happy with my grades, I have the highest
possible marks in everything but transfiguration, though of course, I must do better. I need to
be perfect. I have slightly less homework this weekend, so I’ll have to spend my time
studying. If I can just get the theory through my brain, I’m sure it’ll click.

Sirius frowned flipping forward. Many of the entries had to do with schoolwork. Lists and
plans to stay on top of his class, ideas, and theories for spells. Occasionally there’d be
mention of their family, the first time Sirius saw his own name his heart paused in his chest.

Sirius won’t talk to me. I know I shouldn’t have brought up anything about Christmas
holidays, but I just want him to behave this year. I think it must have come out wrong because
he got very angry, and his friends won’t let me near him. I didn’t mean it to be cruel though, I
just don’t see why every holiday has to end badly. I don’t want him getting hurt all the time.

It’d been in Sirius’s fourth year, he remembered the argument clearly. Regulus had accused
Sirius of always ruining Christmas, and had essentially blamed him for getting beaten. Sirius
had been livid. How dare Regulus kiss his parents’ asses in that way when they were at fault?
Not Sirius for refusing to take it. Sirius had never once stopped to consider Regulus’s
intention. He swallowed hard, trying not to wonder how many miscommunications may have
laid between them.

Sirius carefully tucked the journal back in its spot, pulling out the next which was from
Regulus’s fourth year. It started out pretty much the same, talk of coursework, spells, and
literature, there were a few more mentions of his friends like Pandora and Dorcas. Sirius
noticed his own name while sparse the year before, was now completely absent. He knew
why, that summer was when Sirius had run away for good, when their rocky relationship and
come to a sudden and final close. Most of the entries were otherwise the same as the last
journal until suddenly, Sirius turned a page and something had shifted.

I’m afraid I’ve done something terrible. I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s disgusting, it’s unpure. I
have to do better. Mother would skin me alive if she knew. I must consider the consequence.

The words were vague, but it was the first time even in these private journals, that Regulus
seemed to express something raw, something real. Sirius kept flipping through the book with
increasing urgency, looking for something, anything. Just one more small glimpse of Regulus
Black as a person, but the entries became sparse, barely giving anything away, and dated with
less and less frequency.

Pulling out the next journal, Sirius expected something in the same vein, but in fifth year, it
seemed that once again something had shifted. He was immediately met with a long page,
filled to the brim with Regulus’s ink.

I half believe I dreamed the past year. This summer was torture, I think I may be running out
of time. All I could do was replay the same moments, and roll them over in my mind until I’m
sure I’d tarnished them. I think I’ll step back through the gates of Hogwarts and he’ll look at
me as if we’ve never seen each other before. As if I am his best friend’s brother, and he cares
no more for me than Sirius does. I told him not to write, yet I still feel cheated, trying to
imagine what it would be like if I was someone he could do something so simple as sending
letters to.

James, Sirius realized, his head spinning. Regulus was fifteen, talking about James as if it
were an established fact. As if he knew him, had some claim to him. Sirius didn’t have to
look much further to find more mentions of James hidden in the pages. It was usually
camouflaged within a slew of words, but if you knew James and you knew Regulus, it was
easy enough to spot.
He wishes me gone; I wish it too. I know none of this is easy and it will never be. There is no
forever, most days I wake up and I’m not even sure we’re guaranteed tomorrow. I don’t hope
for it, and I can’t entertain his games anymore, I can’t pretend otherwise. He hurts me and he
hurts me and I let him because I know I hurt him too. I know I deserve it. But I watch
sometimes when I’m sure no one will catch me. I see him with his friends, I see him laugh and
smile and I know the world would keep turning. I know he has lived before me and he will
live after, he will continue to laugh and shine like the sun and I will rot. He will learn how to
forget me, he will find someone who is better suited for him. Someone soft and warm but with
just enough edge to be interesting to him. Someone who is good and kind in the same way. It
will be for the best. It will hurt, but I would prefer it. I want that if it means he never looks me
in the eye again and says he wishes I was gone. He wishes I wouldn’t exist. Every day when I
wake up, in that moment before I open my eyes I hope that I will open them to nothingness,
that I will be a ghost. The world will keep turning, it might even be lighter without me. I wish
it too.

Sirius didn’t know how to understand this, not a Regulus so full of self-loathing. Not a James
like that. Sirius didn’t know if James had been cruel to Regulus in such a way, or if it was his
brother’s point of view tainting things… because James? Saying he wished someone was
gone or didn’t exist didn’t sound like the kind of thing James Potter would tell a person. Not
unless it was someone he’d righteously hated and as much as Sirius despised the thought, it
was clear that Regulus didn’t fall under that category.

Jamie says we choose who we become, Regulus had written in one entry, making Sirius pause
in surprise. It was the first time he’d named James, and there it was, Jamie. A stupid
nickname that James had always despised.

“It’s James,” Sirius remembered him saying pronouncedly at twelve. “Why add stupid extra
syllables? It sounds like a baby name.”

Yet, Regulus called him that like it was natural.

Jamie says we chose who we become. I think he’s entirely too optimistic. He grew up being
told he had the choice, the right to be anything. I don’t think I’ve ever really made my own
choice a day in my life. Except maybe him, but that hardly counts, stupid boy wouldn’t leave
me alone, what was I to do? He was very persistent in his idiocy. I’ll let him say it though,
that there’s a choice. And he’ll put his hands in my hair and we can both pretend I believe
him. Term is almost over, and I can hear the clock ticking in my mind. I close my eyes and I
can feel the vibrations against my eyelids. I think he can feel it too because sometimes he
opens his mouth like he wants to speak, and I’m terrified that he’ll say he loves me. I’m
terrified because when he does I’ll have to push him, right off the precipice. Right over the
edge. I want to pretend for as long as I can, because after, I’ll surely never be loved again.

Sirius couldn’t read anything else, couldn’t stomach the thought of his brother saying these
things about James, Sirius’s James. On the other hand, he had a morbid curiosity, a need to
see this small human part of his brother. To understand even a little why James Potter,
Sirius’s best friend, his person, had chosen Regulus Black. As he came to the last entry, it
didn’t offer any of the answers Sirius was looking for.

He's gone. I’m here. I must remember how to breathe. The world keeps turning, doesn’t it?

And that was it. The rest of the pages were blank and as he looked through the remaining
journals, they were mostly empty as well, many pages occupied by a single sentence or even
a single word, Sirius didn’t know what any of it meant.

As Sirius closed the last book he surveyed the pile of journals. The previously unseen
glimpses of humanity from Regulus Black didn’t make him any more real. In fact, as Sirius
tried to imagine Regulus out there somewhere, living, breathing, all he could picture was a
decomposing corpse. His brother felt, if anything, further from his reach, more dead than he
ever had when Sirius thought he lay beneath a marble tombstone.

Britain

1983

Cissa had always been fond of Regulus. She was fond of Sirius too, if anyone dared to admit
it, but after he had pulled away and Regulus was on his own, Cissa had been there. Not in an
affectionate or even very helpful way, but still a single non-negative presence in his life had
been something. Proof that he was capable of surviving it.
If Regulus was one to lie down and take things, he didn’t know what to call Narcissa. She
was probably what Regulus would have been if he’d had something to lose, willing to do
anything to keep herself alive and her child safe.

Now, Regulus stood at the corner, hidden in the shadows watching her long blonde hair
glinting in the sun as she crossed the street. He held his breath as she passed the alley he was
hidden in, waiting until the last minute before grabbing her wrist and pulling her into the
darkness.

She gasped in surprise, wand in her hand but before she could do anything Regulus was
hissing in her ear. “Cissa!”

That was enough to freeze her, eyes widening. Regulus didn’t hesitate, disarming her quickly
before pulling them headfirst into apparition. They landed in a dimly lit room, barren except
for two chairs and Narcissa took a step backward, breath shaky as she turned.

For a moment they just stood there staring at each other, Narcissa was frozen in shock as she
seemed to register who was standing in the room with her. Her eyes flicked from the scars on
his face, following them down to his neck.

“Regulus,” she said slowly. Like she wasn’t entirely convinced he was real.

“Cissa, sit,” Regulus gestured to the chair.

She did as she was told, placing herself gracefully, as if she was on a throne rather than a
rickety stiff-backed chair.

“You kidnapped me,” she remarked.

“Sorry about that, I’m sure you can understand that there are certain circumstances that
required such precautions.”
She raised a thin eyebrow. “Circumstances being that I attended your funeral, that as far as
most are concerned, you’re long dead?”

“Among other things.”

“What do you want Regulus?”

“The diary,”

She hesitated, lacing her fingers together. “That Dark Lord’s book?”

“Yes, do you still have it?”

“Lucius does. Why do you want it?”

“We both know you don’t want to know that.” Regulus shrugged. “The less you know, the
better. I’m not asking you to steal it for me, all I need is an in, I can take care of the rest.”

“An in?” She repeated his words.

“Yes, it’s in Malfoy Manor. Is it not?”

“Possibly.”

“If you were to leave space in the wards for me to get in, and maybe let slip a convenient
time… no one would ever know I was there.”
She tilted up her chin, standing her ground. Regulus thought he was one of the few people
who got to see more than the demure delicate side of Narcissa. “In return for what?”

“You have a child, a son right?”

Her expression hardened, closing in protectively at the mention of him. “Yes, Draco.”

“You help me, I help you protect him.”

“What could you possibly do?”

Regulus reached into his pocket, pulling out an old silver ring, engraved with the Black crest.
Narcissa’s eyes widened as she realized what it was. “I thought that was lost,” she breathed.

“Only lost in the same way I’m dead,” Regulus shrugged. “You know what this does, the
safeguards on it. There’s no stronger protection than old blood magic and family ties. You
can keep Draco close now, but not forever. You know the kind of security it’d offer him; such
a thing is rare.”

She stared at the ring for a long moment, but Regulus was still waiting patiently. He knew as
Cissa straightened up eyes flicking to meet Regulus’s that he’d won.

“Next Tuesday, only the house elves will be around. If you go through the back garden, there
will be a hole in the wards. A silly structural thing, sometimes wards aren’t perfect.” She
stood brushing nonexistent dirt from her skirt. “Is that all?”

Regulus held out the ring but when she went to take it, he caught her hand. “You’ve always
known better than to underestimate me, Cissa, don’t start. You don’t want to know what I’m
capable of now. If you tell a single soul of this or prevent me from obtaining the diary in any
way, you will regret it.”
She didn’t falter, but Regulus knew she believed him. Maybe Regulus had been timid and
quiet once, but he was a Black. That infused a certain amount of mercilessness and cruelty in
a person. Even someone like Sirius who was so concerned with being good, had the
propensity for it. They weren’t all Bellatrix, but Regulus knew he was only ever a few more
losses from becoming her. Cissa knew it too and she nodded. “We have a deal,” she said
simply.

Regulus let go, letting the ring tumble into her hand. She clutched her fist around it tightly,
holding out her other hand for her wand. She accepted it taking a step away from him.

He hadn’t expected Narcissa to pause, but she did, turning back to him with something far
more human than he was used to. “If anyone got a second chance in life, I’m glad that it was
you.”

With that, she disappeared with a crack, before Regulus had any chance to respond. Not that
he knew what he might have said.

Regulus stood in the middle of the room for a long moment, planting his feet on the dirty
floor, as if he might ground himself. He felt dizzy, lightheaded with fear, and something that
felt painfully like hope.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there before the door opened.

“How’d it go?” Remus asked.

“We have a way in.”

“That’s great,” he said in surprise. “When?”

“Tuesday.”
“Okay, we have a few days to plan then,” Remus said, he paused when he noticed Regulus’s
twisted expression. “What?”

Regulus grimaced. “I hate Tuesdays.”

--

Regulus took a deep breath, glancing to Remus on his left.

“In and out,” Remus murmured in the dark.

Regulus didn’t respond. He had a knife tucked into a sheath on his arm and he twisted his
wrist feeling the pressure there. A blade was hardly his first choice these days, he’d spent too
long becoming as powerful and skilled as possible with magic for that, but once it’d been his
only defense. Before Hogwarts, before he was of age, it was the only thing he had. Bellatrix
had trained him from a young age, probably just so she had an excuse to put a knife to his
throat. Regardless of the reason, she’d trained him well and Regulus had only improved since
then. So, while it wasn’t his first resort, Regulus found comfort in knowing he had the option.

Bumping shoulders with Remus gently, Regulus then started forward climbing over brambles
and overgrowth to get to the edge of the Malfoy’s property. Remus was close behind and they
stopped when they reached the back garden.

“You trust her?” Remus asked quietly.

“Trust? No. But I think in this case, Narcissa will have upheld her end of the deal.” With
nothing left to do but push forward, Regulus did. At first, he felt the wards tense around
them, but he stood his ground, looking, reaching for a weak point. And then… there. Regulus
found the spot, and like a thread, he pulled and watched it unravel.
Regulus and Remus stumbled through, suddenly standing on the other side of the wards.
They looked at each other in surprise for only a minute before the reality of the situation
seemed to settle in and they both straightened, setting quickly through the garden with quiet
steps.

It wasn’t much trouble getting into the actual manor, why would it be? The wards were
intended to keep unwanted visitors out. As they stepped over the threshold, the large house
was dark and empty, their breaths seemed to echo down the vast hall.

They crept down the long marble hall, thankfully Regulus knew the layout, otherwise, they
may have been wandering around for ages. They knew there was a vault in Lucius’s study
that would likely house the diary, the only question was if they would be able to break in.

As they turned the corner there was the sound of footsteps and Regulus and Remus froze,
both diving into a nearby room. They stood there wide-eyed, barely daring to breathe as the
footsteps got close. Peering around the corner Regulus watched as a house elf walked past,
duster floating behind as it went. He didn’t dare move until the footsteps had retreated and
the hall was silent once again.

Once they were sure they were safe, they stepped back into the hall and hurried a little faster
this time. Even as they safely tucked themselves into the study, Regulus couldn’t shake his
unease. However, they had a task to focus on, both eyeing the large vault built into the wall as
they came to a stop in front of it.

It was beautiful and intricately designed, Regulus had to stop himself from reaching out to
touch it, instead, he quickly cast some spells to ensure there were no traps set on it. Once he
was sure it was safe to touch Regulus wordlessly turned to Remus. They both raised their
wands in sync and began casting together.

Regulus was of the belief that intelligence was the most dangerous thing a person could have.
The Dark Lord would never have never gotten this far on power alone, he was brilliant.
However, so was Dumbledore, the difference was having guts. A person with enough
brilliance and sheer nerve could do anything.

When the vault fell open, Regulus couldn’t help but think that he and Remus were going to
be a problem, and Merlin help anyone who got in their way. They’d already broken into
Gringotts, created a spell that could destroy Horcruxes, and proceeded to acquire and destroy
three. Now they were breaking into a vault which they probably shouldn’t have been able to.

Yes, Remus Lupin and Regulus Black were a dangerous team. He stood by his point, brains,
and guts.

Exchanging a glance with Remus, Regulus cast a couple of cursory spells before deeming it
safe to step inside. He had to make an effort to ignore the array of dark spell books and old
artifacts as they looked around, eyes instead looking for the diary. When his eyes fell on the
nondescript book, he almost reached out to grab it, but Remus caught his wrist.

Remus cast his own array of spells before deeming it safe to touch “Doesn’t seem like there’s
any traps or protective spells on it.” He said his voice barely above a whisper.

Carefully, Regulus grabbed the diary from its spot. Despite his cautiousness, nothing
happened.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Regulus muttered.

Remus went first, stepping out of the vault and back into the study. Regulus was right behind
him, tucking the diary underneath his arm. One moment he was ducking out of the vault,
mouth falling open to say something to Remus, the next all he knew was pain.

Someone was screaming, it might have been him. It might have been Remus. He didn’t know.
He couldn’t think couldn’t breathe, couldn’t feel anything but the blinding feeling of being
torn to shreds.

He couldn’t see. Everything around him was painted shades of greys and blacks and quickly
getting darker. Someone was trying to pull him up but Regulus couldn’t feel his limbs,
couldn’t feel anything but agony.
 As the few senses around him quickly faded to nothingness, he couldn’t help but think that of
course, it was a fucking Tuesday.

Chapter End Notes

idk man, here's another chapter because I want to and I feel like you deserve it after the
last interlude chapter. Please enjoy, I will be back next weekend as always with more.

Consider it your holiday present :))

Fun fact: my starting draft of this fic was named Tuesday so I decided to have a little fun
in referencing back to that.

Also, I feel like I should apologize if my characters sometimes feel terribly American,
that would be because I AM American and I don't want to painfully try to mimic British
slang or whatever. So I try to find a balance and hopefully it isn't terrible.

find me on tumblr
Listen to the playlist I made for this fic
 Chapter Tweleve
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“What is it?” Regulus leaned forward, eyes wide in curiosity.

“It’s a special rock, see those flecks on the outside? That means when we break it open it’ll
be a diamond!”

“Do it,” Regulus demanded crossing his arms.

Sirius just grinned, picking another rock from the ground, solid and pointy. His hair fell in his
face as he leaned over and Regulus knew that mother would force him to cut it soon, it’d
gotten too long, ‘undignified’ as she said.

Sirius laid the rock on a tree stump, turning the larger rock over in his hand. Regulus clung to
his brother scrambling up on his back and laying his cheek on Sirius's shoulder.

“Reggie…” Sirius complained but grabbed Regulus’s legs anyway, so he didn’t slide down.
Now proudly forcing Sirius to give him a piggyback ride, Regulus smiled brightly. “Oh, I
know, you’re so proud of yourself, little brat. Now how am I supposed to crack it open? I’ll
knock you in the face.”

Regulus only clung on tighter, burying his face in his brother’s neck and breathing in the
familiar smell. Being close to people normally repulsed him, the feel of their skin, the sound
of their breath, and their smell made Regulus uncomfortable. It left him squirming and
panicked. Sirius was different, Sirius was the only person in the entire world whose closeness
meant safety, warmth, and love.
This was apparent as ever when Sirius shook Regulus off his back only to pull him tightly to
his chest, pressing his face into Regulus’s curls.

“You know I love you more than anything in the entire world? Actually, the entire universe.”
He whispered, just a secret for the two of them. No one else need know that some Blacks were
capable of loving each other.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“It’ll fly by,” Sirius assured him .“There’s nothing to worry about. Then next year we’ll be
going to Hogwarts together!” Despite his confidence, he still held Regulus tightly, as if he
was afraid to let go.

“You’re not going to forget about me?”

“Never,” Sirius swore. “You’re the most important person in the world to me, nothing could
ever change that. I’ll write every day, okay?”

“Okay,” Regulus nodded solemnly, finally loosening his grip on his big brother. “You’re my
favorite person.”

“You’re mine,” Sirius grinned. “Now come on, stop clinging so we can get to the diamond.
It’s your present.”

“My present?”

“Yeah! Mother and father would never let me buy you anything, so I have to make it all on
my own. This way you can look at it every time you miss me, and it’ll be like I’m right there.”

Sirius smiled, bright and full of hope as he raised the heavy rock, bringing it down with a
resounding crack.
Regulus smiled too.

--

At this point in his life, James Potter was no stranger to people ringing his doorbell in dire
need at all hours of the night. The thing was, he’d developed an expectation. It was generally
Sirius, actually, it was always Sirius. So, when the sound of someone at his door awoke him,
he with much confusion threw on a shirt and headed down the hall. Lily was coming out of
her own room as he emerged and they both stared at each other in alarm before quickly
hurrying down the stairs. Sirius hadn’t talked to James in weeks, so an appearance at this
hour would be worrying.

When he swung open the door, the very last thing he expected was to find something even
more alarming than Sirius Black at two A.M.

Yet, that was what happened.

Because on his doorstep was Remus Lupin, pale, hands covered in blood, desperately
gripping Regulus Black who looked half dead. His lips were blue, and his face was sweaty,
blood was everywhere.

“I didn’t know where to go,” Remus whispered brokenly.

James didn’t move, couldn’t speak, or even begin to decipher how he was supposed to react.

Thankfully, Lily Evans was ten times smarter and better in a crisis than James and she darted
around him, helping Remus hold Regulus up and lifting him over the threshold.

They carried him into the living room, carefully depositing him on the couch while James
trailed behind uselessly.
As they laid him down his eyes blinked open looking delirious, his face was scrunched in
pain, and he let out a stuttered gasp.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Remus muttered, grabbing his hand in apology.

“R-Rem…” Regulus gasped.

“Shh, it’s okay I’m not letting you die.”

“I-“ Regulus choked on the word, breath coming in heavy raspy gasps that didn’t sound right
at all. “I can’t see, everything is red,” he whispered, and Remus froze.

Lily paused too, impossibly still and James knew whatever this meant, it couldn’t be good.

“What was it?” Lily asked quickly. “A spell of some sort?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know. I checked for any traps or protective spells but as soon as he
stepped out—” Remus looked two seconds from tears and he swallowed hard. “I checked.”

Regulus’s eyes had fluttered shut again and Lily’s swept over his form “Okay,” she said
determinedly. “We’ll figure this out,”

“Lily, please I need you to tell me, is he going to die?”

“I don’t want to let that happen,” she said quietly and James and Remus both knew exactly
what that meant. Regulus Black dying on his couch wasn’t an unlikely outcome for that night
“I have to get Sirius,” James said hoarsely, and they both turned looking startled like they’d
forgotten he was there.

“Go,” Lily urged, and James needed no more prodding. He grabbed floo powder and jumped
into the fire without a second thought.

He was almost afraid that in the past weeks, Sirius might have set his wards against James,
but he stepped out of Sirius’s fireplace with no obstacles.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sirius’s voice was cold, James hadn’t expected him to
be awake, much less sitting in the living room.

“It’s Regulus,” James said quickly.

Sirius scoffed “I’m not in the mood to hear any bullshit excuses, especially not in the middle
of the night.”

“No, Sirius it’s Regulus. Remus brought him to my house, Lily is trying to heal him, but I
don’t think- I mean I’m not sure if… she can.”

Sirius just stared for a very long moment, trying to compute the words. “What?”

“Please just come, Padfoot, I’m begging you.”

Sirius stared for a moment longer before standing and roughly pushing James into the fire.
When James tumbled out, back into his own house he looked behind him, holding his breath.
Before James could begin to worry, the fire flared and Sirius stepped out, his eyes were still
angry, his mouth in a tight line, and then suddenly it all fell away.

Sirius just stood, eyes fixed over James’ shoulder at where Regulus lay bleeding on the
couch. He didn’t move, didn’t even seem to breathe as he watched the scene with wide eyes.
James turned to see that Lily had now procured her medical kit and was expertly handling the
tools, hair tied back as she worked determinedly.

She pulled out a calming draught as Regulus shook and twisted on the couch, but Remus
quickly grabbed her wrist. “No, he’s an addict.”

Her eyes widened and she nodded, putting the potion away. “Then I won’t be able to do
anything for the pain.”

Remus grimaced but nodded. “He made me swear,” he whispered, “we knew this was a
hazard from the beginning, but he said no sleep, calming, or pain potions no matter what.”

“Okay, I need to cut off his shirt, I have to see these wounds,” Lily held up her wand, making
quick work of carefully slicing it from Regulus’s body. Once it was in enough pieces Remus
helped her pull it off him, sticky with blood.

As Regulus’s bare torso was exposed James’ mouth fell open and next to him, Sirius let out a
choked gasp.

There were large wounds running from his hips to his chest, gaping and deep. Without the
shirt, James could see that the old scars on his face and neck seemed to cover most of his
body, but they seemed minuscule compared to his current wounds. On Regulus’s forearm,
James could make out the dark mark, marred by a thick scar. James remembered Regulus’s
words weeks earlier. “I cut the dark mark from my arm.”

“Remus, what happened?” Lily asked and even she seemed shaken looking at Regulus’s
injuries.

“I can’t tell you,” Remus whispered.

“No, no you can because if you don’t he will die. If I don’t know how this happened or what
it is, I can’t fucking help him and at the rate, he has at most twenty minutes before he is
dead.”

Remus swallowed hard, shaking his head. “No, no,” he whispered. “I can’t—he can’t die, he
has so much left. I wanted him to have the chance to be good. He’s my friend Lily, I care
about him, so much.”

“Then tell me what happened, Rem.”

Remus only hesitated a moment longer, eyes flicking to Regulus’s bleeding form and then
back to Lily. “We broke into Malfoy Manor, we needed the diary,” James hadn’t even
realized Remus was holding anything until he was gesturing to a small book. Even in the dim
light, James could see that despite Remus’s bloodied hands, it was perfectly clean. “We broke
into Lucius’s vault and stole it, I checked for wards or traps there was nothing. Reg, was
holding the diary and I left first, he was right behind me but as soon as he stepped out—he
was screaming, bleeding everywhere. It was like the cuts came from the inside, I- I don’t
know.”

“Okay, okay,” Lily said slowly, “so it was some kind of protective spell that was triggered
when you tried to leave with this diary? That’s a start, there’s only so many spells that can be
triggered like that…” she trailed off her mouth forming silent words and James knew her
brain was working quickly. After a moment of stillness, she sprung into motion, grabbing her
medical kit. “I know how to heal him. It’ll take me a minute to prepare everything, so don’t
you dare let him slip away in the meantime. Talk to him, see if you can keep him aware.”

Remus nodded reaching out to grab Regulus’s hand. “Regulus, Reg?”

Regulus shifted slightly at his name, eyes opening a fraction. “R- Remus?” he said weakly.

“Hey,” Remus told him gently, “It’s me.”

Regulus’s brow furrowed. “He left,” he whispered.

“Who left?” Remus asked leaning in closer.

“I wanted… I- he left.” Regulus repeated, seemingly speaking nonsense. “I kept it, ‘cause I
always… missed him.” His words were slurred, and Remus seemed just as confused by
Regulus’s words as James was.

“Kept what?”

Regulus lifted a hand gesturing weakly to his neck, where James saw a familiar stone
hanging. Sirius took a step back in shock as he spotted it, and James frowned even harder.
Regulus had always worn the necklace as long as James had known him. It was roughly cut
and looked handmade, but James knew that wherever it came from, Regulus had cherished it.

“Kept it,” Regulus repeated. “Always, kept it. Jamie had my star…” he let out a gasp that
was half a cough and almost like a laugh. “Thought about it in the cave. I- I hope he kept it,
'cause when it’s important… you do.”

Regulus’s words were no longer senseless rambling to James, he knew exactly what he was
talking about. Regulus had worn a ring for years, a star, glimmering and bright. James used to
watch it, entranced by his long perfect fingers, timid in the beginning but eventually sure.
Regulus had learned to touch and reach, and James had always watched. Regulus had given
the ring to James, and he had kept it. It currently lay on a chain around his neck, safely
hidden beneath his shirt where it’d been since he was sixteen.

Remus seemed to put the same pieces together because he turned slightly his gaze flicking
from Sirius to James and then back to Regulus “The star ring?” He asked. Remus had seen it
once, James had leaned over and it’d slipped from beneath his shirt. Remus had reached out
and grabbed it, a question in his eyes. James had only shrugged and thankfully, Remus hadn’t
asked.

“Yeah,” Regulus said weakly, “the star.”

Remus nodded squeezing Regulus’s hand as he glanced back at James once more. “He has it,
Reg. James kept it.”
Regulus didn’t seem pleased by this news instead he frowned, face contorting in pain as he
shifted slightly. “Didn’t have anything of him to keep,” he mumbled “Only Sirius’s diamond.
Though, I think… think he must’ve lied, it’s not a diamond. But I- I did, I kept it.”

Remus nodded wordlessly and James looked to Sirius whose face was white in pain.
Conflicting emotions seemed to chase themselves across his expression and James realized
the necklace Regulus wore must have been from Sirius and after everything… Regulus still
wore it.

Lily straightened, “I think you two should leave,” she said turning to James and Sirius. “The
more room I have to work the better.”

James wanted to protest but Remus was still holding Regulus’s hand tightly and as strange as
it was to see, James could tell his friend cared deeply for the younger Black. So, without a
fight, James nodded turning towards the kitchen. Sirius took a second longer and when he
turned it seemed he had to forcibly rip his gaze from his brother, but eventually, he followed
James stiffly.

They sat at the kitchen table silently and James lit a single lamp which barely brightened the
room. He was afraid if he turned the lights he’d be suddenly forced to face the reality of
everything, and James just couldn’t do that.

James wasn’t sure how long they sat in the dark before Sirius spoke, but it was long enough
that the sudden noise startled him.

“I’ve hated him for so many years. I still hate him. I think I was justified. But now, I don’t
think I was the good guy either.” Sirius said numbly, eyes unfocused on the wall in front of
him. “I made a promise when I gave him that necklace, I swore I’d never forget him, that he
was the most important person to me. I did forget him; I did choose other people over him.”

“You’re not bad for doing that,” James said quietly. “You carried the burden of caring for him
for a long time. You were just a kid, you can’t blame yourself.”
“He needed me to love him,” Sirius whispered fists clenching in his lap. “It’s all he wanted,
and I knew it. But loving Regulus has always been both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve
ever done. Everything was tangled up in our parents and loving him meant getting hurt. I
couldn’t do it, yet, at the same time here we are, and I’m less sure now if I ever stopped.”

“He’s your brother,” James said simply. “You can hate him and love him too. Maybe he did
need you to love him, maybe you needed to stop giving that love. You can’t change what you
did in the past now.”

Sirius was silent for such a long time that eventually James looked away from him, resting
his head on the cool wood of the table. It was grounding against his cheek and he breathed
deeply.

“I would have thought you’d side with him.”

James took a second before sitting up. “Padfoot,” he said quietly “I’m one of the few other
people in the world who knows how fucking painful it is to love Regulus Black.”

Sirius’s eyes narrowed and James could tell was clearly still angry, but he only stiffened for a
moment before leaning back tiredly. “I can’t argue with you right now,” he said, “just… tell
me.”

“Tell you what?”

“About loving Regulus.”

“I… I don’t think you want to hear about that Sirius.”

“No,” Sirius said sharply “I do. Because if I don’t hear it all I can picture is you sneaking
around my back to fuck my brother, and if I think that, I’ll never be able to forgive you. So,
tell me, Prongs. Because you’re my person, because I love you and don’t want to spend the
rest of my life longing to punch you in the face.”
James swallowed thickly. “I don’t think I can explain it.”

Sirius’s jaw clenched, clearly, that was the wrong answer. “I don’t think you understand how
close to losing me you are, James.”

The words hurt. Burying somewhere deep inside James’ chest, wrapping around his heart.
“I-“ James began at a loss. “I loved him,” he said slowly because it was one of the few things
he knew. “I wasn’t just ‘fucking’ him behind your back. I didn’t want to do it, not when I
knew I was essentially betraying you, but I was weak, and I- I just fell in too deep. I didn’t
know how to get back out.”

“But you did, didn’t you? Left him, got with Lily.”

James just shrugged unable to meet Sirius’s intense gaze. “Not until too many lines had been
crossed.”

“And you knew?” Sirius said slowly, just to be clear. “That it was wrong, that you were
essentially betraying me.”

“Yes,” James whispered, “I knew.”

James was saved from hearing Sirius’s answer when Lily hurried into the kitchen. “He’s
stable,” she said looking exhausted but accomplished.

He didn’t know what to do with the surge of relief he felt at the words.

--
Regulus awoke to the sound of arguing. He blinked slowly, once and then twice, the ceiling
coming into focus above him. Regulus sat up, letting out a gasp as a searing pain traveled up
his torso. Wincing he looked down to see he’d been bandaged up tightly. He chose to ignore
the pain that each movement caused, looking around cautiously.

Nothing seemed particularly threatening, he was in a cozy living room full of colorful lamps
and cushy chairs. Sun was filtering through the window, painting the wooden floor golden.
Still, Regulus moved carefully, he didn’t know where his wand was, he didn’t know where he
was.

Hearing the timbre of Remus’s voice louder than the others, Regulus frowned, following the
sound one painful step at a time.

“…I just can’t tell you! I appreciate your help here but really you’re better off staying away
from this!”

Regulus turned the corner, stopping as he stepped into a bright kitchen where around the
table, were some of the very last people in the world Regulus wished to see, his brother and
James Potter.

“Remus, what the fuck.”

They all froze in surprise, swiveling to gape at him standing in the doorway.

Lily Evans was the first to recover, her surprise turning to a disapproving frown. “You should
be laying down,” she said sternly, “you need rest.”

Regulus felt itchy beneath their gazes, he crossed his arms trying to hide the marred dark
mark on his forearm. “What I need is a shirt,” he mumbled.

Evans made an apologetic face. “Sorry, I had to cut yours off when I healed you. James,” she
prodded the man next to her who looked dazed. “Get him a shirt,”
James nodded, standing without a word, and disappearing up the stairs.

“You healed me?” he asked deciding that his brain could only focus on one thing right now
and that was not James Potter. “You could have just let me die,”

Much to his surprise she grinned at that. “Could have, but it’d be kind of a waste wouldn’t it?
I mean you made it this far.”

Deciding that wasn’t worth the effort of a reply when he felt like shit, Regulus decided to
level an unhappy glare at Remus instead.

“How about a 'thank you, Remus’? ‘You saved my life Remus and I owe you everything’?”
Remus scoffed. “Instead of looking at me like that?”

“Thanks so much, Remus,” Regulus deadpanned.

Thankfully, before Remus could fall into another round of scolding James was hurrying back
down the stairs, in the way he always had, like it was a race to get to the bottom.

He stopped in front of Regulus, wordlessly holding out a shirt. As Regulus took it, he was
surprised to feel the soft quality of the material. It made sense a minute later as Regulus
unfolded it and stopped suddenly at the initials embroidered onto the collar: R.A.B.

“What is this?” He asked accusingly.

James frowned as beautiful and dumb as ever. “Um, a shirt?”

“No, it’s my shirt.”

“Oh,” James blinked “well, yeah. Do you not want it? I mean it’s not like you’ve grown I’m
sure it’ll fit.”

“I grew.”

“You absolutely did not.”

“I did—” Regulus paused “You know what that’s not the fucking point, why do you have my
shirt?”

“I don’t know. I accidentally kept it, I guess.” Regulus glared harshly and James just sighed.
“I can find you another shirt if you want,”

“No, your clothes are fucking ugly.”

“I know, that’s why I brought this,” he gestured to the shirt, and Regulus realized he probably
wouldn’t win if he kept arguing.

“Whatever,” he muttered but put the shirt on anyway.

“Maybe you should sit down,” Remus spoke up. “It can’t be good for you to be standing.”

Regulus shot Remus a glare because he was still a bit angry he’d brought them here, but
turned, stepping quickly away from James and taking the spot on Remus’s right. He carefully
avoided Sirius’s dark gaze.

As Regulus sat down he noticed the diary sitting at the table in front of Remus and he quickly
snatched it up, blinking down at it in relief.
“Don’t look so surprised it’s not like I was going to lose it,” Remus complained.

“No,” Regulus said entirely genuine for once. “I didn’t think you would. I’m just glad it was
all worth it.”

“I wanted to destroy it, but I didn’t want to leave you.”

“We’ll do it together,” Regulus shrugged. “though sooner rather than later is best, I’d wager
Lucius knows it’s missing by now.”

“What will that mean for us?” Remus frowned, the scar on his nose scrunching up at the
motion.

“It means that the Dark Lord will know, he’ll start checking. It won’t be long before he
realizes the cup is gone as well, and once he looks for the locket, if he finds my letter we’re
fucked,”

“Letter?”

“Yes, I left a decoy locket behind with a note.”

“What did you say?” Remus asked suspiciously.

“Oh, I don’t know I was eighteen and half out of my mind,” Regulus shrugged. “Something
along the lines of I figured out your secret, I’ll be dead by the time you realize so get
fucked?”

Remus shook his head disapprovingly but didn’t comment. “Will he realize it’s you, hunting
the—” he stopped suddenly remembering their audience “the ‘you-know-what’s?”
“Probably not, no one is supposed to survive that cave, he’ll probably look for an
accomplice…” Regulus trailed off suddenly remembering who that accomplice was
“Pandora,” he said like a curse. “He’ll come for her, she was supposed to help when I died.”

Before the realization could fully sink in James was speaking up. “Pandora is gone.”

Regulus spun. “What?”

“Not like that,” he said quickly. “I mean- I saw her some months ago, I told her to run. I
heard her and her family disappeared not long after, wherever they are I doubt it’s somewhere
Voldemort could find them,”

Regulus just blinked at the man in front of him for a long moment. His hair, chronically
messy was sticking up in places and he was leaning back in his chair, enough to give the
image of casualness but not enough to mean actual ease. James was nervous, he was
uncomfortable under Regulus’s gaze, but his eyes were earnest.

“You spoke with her?”

James shrugged. “We were looking for Remus, she was willing to offer some information.”

“You were looking for me?” Remus asked suddenly, as if the information was surprising.

“Of course, we were,” James frowned. “I know you, I love you. I couldn’t believe you were a
traitor… though honestly, now I’m a little confused on whether I was right or not.”

“I think it’s a little more complicated than traitor or not,” Remus told his friend quietly.
“Then do you care to explain?” It was the first time Sirius had spoken and his voice was
sharp, eyes narrowed at Remus. Merlin, someone needed to lock those two in a room to fight
it out.

“It’s a lot, Sirius,” Remus said quietly.

James, ever the peacemaker cut in before Sirius could inevitably blow up. “Anyway! We
went to Dumbledore too, but he wouldn’t tell us anything, so we tried to trace your steps
Moony, went to Italy and everything but we didn’t find anything.”

Regulus snorted. “Of course, because Dumbledore is useless.”

Lily leaned forward, brow furrowing. “What do you mean? Dumbledore has done a lot for
the war.”

“By recruiting teenagers to fight in a war?” Regulus raised an eyebrow. “By sending those
teenagers to their death? By refusing to help me when I begged him to get me out at fifteen?”

“You wanted his help?”

“I tried,” Regulus shrugged like it didn’t matter. “But nope, he wouldn’t do a thing because
he wanted a little Death Eater spy, so I took the mark and refused to tell him a fucking word.”

“You tried to get out?” James asked slowly, looking at Regulus like everything he knew was
being torn from his fingers.

“Yes,” Regulus tried to shrug nonchalantly, but James was looking him directly in the eye for
the first time, gaze wide and conflicted.

“You never said,” James mumbled.

“Because it didn’t work,” Regulus scoffed. “He wouldn’t help me, and I refused to trade
being under one thumb for another. You would have wanted me to do it.”

That seemed to greatly offend James. “What the fuck? No, I wouldn’t have? I wanted you to
run and you refused!”

“Because I couldn’t run,” Regulus scowled. “My parents never would have let me go. I
needed Dumbledore’s protection, and he wouldn’t give it.”

“They let Sirius go.”

Regulus laughed humorlessly. “Yes,” he hissed, “that was different. Death was the only out I
ever had.”

“Yet here you are.”

“Here I am, must be the worst thing to happen to you yet, huh?” James opened his mouth no
doubt to spout more bullshit and Regulus cut him off unable to hear another word out of his
mouth. “But it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to debate over Dumbledore’s merits, he’s not the
worst man to walk the earth, I’ll give you that. He did listen to me about the friend of yours.”

This time it was Remus who spoke, confusion painting his brow. “Friend?”

“Yeah,” Regulus said, not understanding the look on his face. “The little one.” No one spoke
at that, and Regulus huffed. “Come on, he was always hanging out with you at Hogwarts,
does that not ring a bell? His name was Pettigrew, right?”

Regulus wasn’t sure what exactly had happened for a moment as the room suddenly went
deathly still. Lily Evans took a sharp intake of breath and Sirius’s hand clenched into a tight
fist on the table, no one said a word for so long that Regulus felt dizzy with the silence.
“What do you mean Dumbledore listened to you about Peter?” Remus asked, his voice
cracking even as he spoke barely above a whisper.

“I told Dumbledore he was a spy, sent the letter off with what was supposed to be my dying
breath. Not who I wanted my last words to go to, but it was important.”

“That was you?” Evans whispered; her voice choked.

Regulus was surprised that she seemed, strangely emotional at the realization.

“Oh, well yes,” Regulus said confused by the reaction.

She laughed, a choked sound that was half a sob .“You saved our lives,” she whispered.

Regulus paused. “What do you mean?”

“Voldemort thought our son, Harry was part of some prophecy to destroy him. I’d just found
out I was pregnant barely any time before, not many people knew but Peter did, we trusted
him. When they discovered Harry was to be born at the end of July, Voldemort decided he
was the one and we needed to die. He almost did. We were informed just in time to avoid
making him our secret keeper when we first went into hiding. We only lived, Harry only
lived because of that information. He never would have even had the chance to be born if we
hadn’t found out Peter was a spy.”

“Oh,” Regulus said dumbly, taken aback by this information. “I disappeared before that, I
didn’t know what had happened. I remember hearing whispers of a prophecy, but prophecies
they’re so vague,” he shook his head. “Why was the Dark Lord convinced it was talking
about your son? Plenty of babies are born at the end of July,” he scoffed. “Hell, I was born at
the end of July.”
“Yes, I don’t know what else the prophecy said,” Lily told him. “But in the end Harry was
late, he was born the first of August. So Voldemort was wrong, the person in the prophecy
was never him.”

“The Dark Lord acted prematurely,” Regulus mused. “The possibilities are endless of who it
could have been. He must have got gotten caught up in the fear of his own mortality… a flaw
of his.”

"Reg," Remus said quickly, "don't..."

“You don’t want to tell them?” Regulus asked sharply.

“It’s just a thought, it might be better.”

“No,” Regulus said firmly. “it won’t be, don’t you think we owe them a little bit of honesty?”

“No, Reg. Telling isn’t giving anything, it’s taking. It’s forcing hands and forcing sacrifices. It
is a terrible thing.”

“They’d still have a choice! Don’t act like taking this isn’t a decision. I made a decision, and
you certainly made a decision.”

“Yes, it and it costs!” Remus insisted.

“And that is what it is, Remus. Awful things happen to us every day, they would have
happened to me regardless of what choices I made!”

“Don’t pity yourself,” Remus snapped.

“I don’t! I deserve every awful thing that happened to me! I deserved to drown in that
fucking cave, you know I did even if we’re friends now. Don’t act like you’re all high and
mighty, Remus. I don’t pity myself and I don’t pity you either.”

Remus of course had far more patience than Regulus ever did, and his voice was suddenly a
great deal softer as he shook his head. “I don’t think you deserved to die. I think you deserve
to be held accountable for everything you did, I think you were too young, I think you
deserve another chance.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say to that, so he just stood pushing his chair back “As soon as I
can breathe without feeling like my insides are falling out, we’re leaving. We’ll tell your
friends because they deserve not to be kept in the dark any longer. I won’t drag them into this
Remus, I won’t force them to do anything, I know that you love them.”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” Regulus snapped.

“Love them? You said they’re my friends as if nobody in this room means a single thing to
you, but I know that’s not true.”

“Don’t try to read me Lupin, you’re terrible at it.”

“Firstly, not true, secondly I don’t need to, it’s clear to me.”

“You’re talking about the Horcrux thing, right? Is that what the book you have is?” James
interjected looking nervous as both Remus and Regulus turned the full weight of their gazes
on him.

“What?” Remus asked, eyes wide.

James shrugged, rubbing his neck uncomfortably. “I told you I’d gone to see Pandora, she
told me.”

“She told you?” Regulus repeated disbelievingly. “Why would she do that?”

Sirius turned, frowning at his best friend suspiciously. “Yeah, why did she tell you?” He
asked slowly. “Boyle wouldn’t tell me a single thing, but you came back with all this
information…”

James shifted in his seat and Regulus got the feeling that if he looked under the table, his leg
would be bouncing. “She wanted an exchange, I told her some things and she told me what I
wanted to know.”

“What did you tell her?” Sirius asked accusingly.

James faltered. “Uh- well, she wanted to know about Regulus.”

Regulus could hear the ticking of the clock on the kitchen wall, nobody breathed, nobody
spoke for a moment. They hadn’t actually addressed this directly, and up until that point
Regulus hadn’t been sure who knew about him and James. Based on the way Lily quickly
averted her eyes and Sirius scowled harshly, Regulus realized everyone did. How long had
they known? Did James tell them?

“What did you tell her?” Regulus asked calmly, sitting back face blank, shoulders hardened.
He surveyed James carelessly like it didn’t physically pain him.

Much to Regulus’s surprise, James’ timidity immediately fell away and he leaned forward,
his anger so sudden Regulus knew it must have been hiding beneath the surface this entire
time. “Don’t look at me like that,” he said his voice uncharacteristically hard. “You must
have known Pandora knew. So don’t you dare try to give me that Regulus Black look when I
know you.” Regulus scoffed but James quickly continued. “I told Pandora that you were
written in my very fucking soul, and we stood together and we mourned you. I mourned you.
For years I woke up every day choking on your ghost, knowing that I might have been able to
change things, but I didn’t, I gave up on you. I’ve regretted it! Can you fucking believe it? I
have lived with the guilt every day since I was sixteen only to find out you’ve been running
around alive for years while losing you nearly killed me!”

Regulus was up, any calmness falling away. At the end of the day, he had a shameful secret.
Regulus Black was hopelessly disgustingly human.

“You left me,” he said slowly, voice icy cold.

“You let me,” James hissed, “you’re a coward. You closed your fucking eyes Regulus, you
didn’t even have the guts to watch me go.”

Regulus didn’t know how he was supposed to breathe when the words felt like a punch to the
gut, so he laughed, the sound sharp and humorless. “Yeah,” he shrugged. “Probably am. I’m
just glad to see you think so highly of me at least.”

“I thought the world of you.”

“Don’t lie to yourself James, you have always been ashamed of me. Good and wonderful
James Potter, lured to the immoral side by the cruel Death Eater. I know it, you know it.”

James scoffed. “Oh don’t play the fucking victim. I loved you, Regulus.”

“Well, I’m glad you got it out of your system.”

No one seemed to know how to react, Lily’s eyes were wide in surprise, Remus looked
strangely sad, and Sirius was just staring, mouth open as if none of this made sense to him.
James was angry, it was clear in his expression, burning from the inside out, he hummed with
it. Regulus knew his anger, knew it better than anyone else. He’d always been pained by the
thought that James Potter was good and kind to every other person in the world, he’d never
had an ounce of cruelty for anyone but Regulus. Seeing the look of shock on everyone’s
faces, Regulus was sure of this, sure they’d never been on the other side of his rage before. It
made Regulus feel small and naïve.
“Me too,” James said slowly. “You ruined me.” With that, he was standing, pushing his chair
back, and storming up the stairs. Regulus wished he could say he didn’t flinch when the
bedroom door closed with a sharp bang, but he couldn’t.

--

Sirius hadn’t really stopped to consider his brother and James past the abstract, past the
journal entries of a scared teenager. He knew James clearly felt something for Regulus, he
knew Regulus felt something as well, or at least he once had. Sirius hadn’t thought he’d ever
witness such an argument and he certainly never thought he’d see the flicker of pure hurt that
flashed across Regulus’s face before he quickly buried it.

He knew James had loved Regulus, he’d plainly said as much. What Sirius hadn’t known was
that Regulus had truly loved James as well, he hadn’t said that in his journal. But no- not
loved in the past tense, currently, still. It was clear even as Regulus sat down calmly, any
trace of pain wiped from his face, Sirius knew it was a lie. He’d never known that before,
Regulus was always calm, always unfeeling and Sirius had taken it for what he thought it
was, now, he was beginning to think it’d been wrong.

Sirius had never looked closely before, never even thought to, but as he did now, he could see
cracks. Sirius knew his brother, he’d loved him before he’d ever loved anyone else. He
cherished him, cared for him, and put him above anything. But he’d never really seen him,
never bothered to look.

Now, Sirius was looking. He could see it, the hairline fractures in Regulus’s façade, how it
was a façade, something Sirius had never even considered before.

In the silence that followed James’ exit, Sirius tried his best to make sense of it. Because
Regulus didn’t love anyone, had never shown the ability to do so. Not since he was a child,
clinging to Sirius with wide curious eyes. The Regulus Black past that point had no heart, no
empathy.

Except, he was still wearing the necklace. Sirius had seen it the night before, he could still see
the chain now, glinting underneath Regulus’s shirt. He’d kept it. He’d worn the stupid badly
crafted necklace that eleven-year-old Sirius had given him, it’d been over a decade, and he
still wore it. Sirius didn’t know what that meant, didn’t know how to reconcile any of the
versions of Regulus Black he knew with the one that was sitting in front of him.

He was the same as in Hogwarts, in a way. Sirius could see the power, in his shoulders, his
straight spine, and the sharpness in his gaze. It was written all over him, the Regulus that
wasn’t just Regulus but Regulus Black. Sirius knew how to handle that, what he didn’t know
how to handle was the way he stared at the diary on the table, eyes full of questions and
curiosity, like Reggie, Sirius’s little brother. The boy who just wanted to drink up the entire
world, the boy who Sirius would have bent over backward to give it to, anything he wanted.
Sirius had loved Reggie, loved him to absolute death. That had been hard to stomach for
years, Sirius was used to the feeling building painfully at the thought.

What Sirius really couldn’t handle was Regulus. Not Regulus Black, not Reggie, just
Regulus. Sitting there so mundanely. Dark curls falling into his eyes softly, making him look
less like the severe pureblood he’d been in school, but human. Regulus, who still wore the
stone Sirius had given him. Who had tried to carve the dark mark off his own arm. Who was
covered in scars, one stretching up his cheek, making even the most minuscule movements in
his expression more visible than Sirius was used to seeing. Regulus, who had freckles on his
cheeks, which Sirius thought was the strangest thing, whose face was slightly sun-kissed as if
he’d spent a lot of time outside. Regulus, who looked to Remus Lupin, Sirius’s Remus, for
some form of comfort, who let Remus squeeze his shoulder and smile gently.

As furious and confused as Sirius was towards Remus, he knew the type of person he was.
Knew exactly what lines he would cross if it came down to it. This was why as betrayed and
angry as he felt, Sirius hadn’t been entirely shocked when Remus turned his back. He knew
Moony. Had always known him like he was part of Sirius’s own being. So, when Remus
smiled at Regulus, when he’d begged Lily to save Regulus’s life, it was clear as day that he
cared very deeply. They were evenly matched in the strangest way, both dangerously
intelligent, both willing to do whatever it took. Sirius could tell that somehow over the past
year, Remus had come to love Regulus.

Sirius couldn’t comprehend how. He didn’t know this person, the one that was just Regulus.
He understood what he meant when he’d said Regulus Black was dead, he was partly. Maybe
mostly, but not entirely. Sirius wouldn’t let himself be fooled into believing otherwise, even if
Regulus himself did.

The room was heavy in its silence following James’ departure. It was broken of course, by
Lily Evans, saint that she was.
“How are your wounds feeling, they aren’t itchy are they?”

Regulus glanced down at his torso shrugging as if he hadn’t been torn to bits less than
twenty-four hours earlier. “It’s not too bad, I’ve had worse.”

“Let me know if anything changes, and I mean anything in your health at all. I’ve never seen
a spell exactly like that before so I don’t know what kind of aftereffects it may have.”

Regulus nodded. “I’m going to figure it out,” he said firmly, as if there was no possibility of
him not being able to do so. “It must be some sort of modification, triggered by passing a
certain perimeter I suppose. Tricky magic.”

“It probably has some way to verify identity as well, or maybe a counter curse to perform
before the diary is removed. That way it prevents it from being stolen but can still be moved.
I had a couple of theories on the type of curse it might be, I had to narrow it down quite a bit
to heal you, maybe we can run through them.”

Regulus nodded, eyes calculating as he studied Lily. “I was wrong, Remus isn’t the only
smart one.”

She blinked for a moment, clearly surprised at the fact that Regulus Black was
complimenting her, before shooting him a tentative smile. “It takes two to keep James and
Sirius’s heads on.”

Regulus nodded leaning forward wincing suddenly as he did. He smoothed his expression
over quickly, but not quickly enough.

“I would give you something for the pain,” Lily said apologetically, “but Remus said no
potions.”
Regulus paused, for a second Sirius thought he’d say something awful to Lily to which Sirius
would inevitably punch him and their current unstable truce would fall apart, but much to his
surprise Regulus averted his eyes, his voice lowering slightly. “Yeah, I don’t take them. I’m
clean.”

Lily nodded. “Understandable, just let me know if the pain gets worse. Is it only when you
move, or can you feel it constantly?”

Regulus cocked his head thinking this over. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’m always in
pain.”

“Always?”

“Yes,” he spoke shortly and for a moment Sirius was sure he wouldn’t elaborate but after a
long pause he continued. “You already know about the Horcruxes, yes?”

“A little bit,” Lily said, “it’s not easy to find any information on them,”

“Yes, well, they’re very dark magic,” Regulus faltered for only a fraction of a second when
James appeared in the doorway once again, looking slightly calmer than before, but he
quickly tore his eyes away and focused back on Lily. “Essentially, a Horcrux is created by
ripping your soul into two pieces, or more if you’re the Dark Lord, but that had never been
done previously.”

“Regulus,” Remus said quietly, and Regulus shook his head sharply.

“They already know about the Horcruxes, Remus, it’s better they’re informed than kept in the
dark when they’re already in too far.” Remus’s lips formed a thin line, but he didn’t protest
any further and Regulus continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “I discovered that the
Dark Lord had created what I’d believed at first to be a single Horcrux, the diary,” he
gestured to the nondescript book. “Then not too long after he borrowed my house elf for a
task. The Dark Lord thought me to be devoted, but I’d ordered Kreacher beforehand to tell
me what happened, no wizarding magic is stronger than order from master to elf. Kreacher
told me of a cave and a locket, Slytherin’s. I knew instantly that if it were so protected, it
must have been a Horcrux. There was a potion, in the cave, the Dark Lord made Kreacher
drink it when they went. I couldn’t hurt him like that, so I decided to drink it myself, I knew
it’d mean I’d die there.”

“So how did you get out?” Remus asked and Sirius realized that he hadn’t heard this story
either, at least not fully.

“I’d ordered Kreacher to take the locket and bring it to Pandora, that when the other defenses
went off he was to leave me here. He did, he followed my order, only he came back. It was a
loophole, possible only because he was so devoted, I- I owed him everything. The cave was
filled with inferi, they pulled me under the water,” he gestured at the scar on his cheek
“Kreacher saved me just in time, but the damage was already done.”

“What happened to Kreacher?” Lily asked quietly. Sirius had hated the old elf, but Kreacher
had always been strangely fond of Regulus.

“He refused to be freed, but he was the only one who knew I’d lived. I sent him to retrieve
the locket from Pandora’s house, she never even knew he’d left it there. Then after, I made
sure he went as far as possible and never came back.”

“So, he’s alive?”

“Somewhere, yes.”

Sirius shook his head. “Well, I guess that explains why he didn’t come with that damned
house.” He muttered, refusing to look toward Regulus as he spoke.

“Yes,” Regulus said simply.

“So those inferi,” Lily looked as if she were holding back a shudder at the thought. “They left
lasting damage?”
“Besides the scars, no, it was the potion. Left me with nerve damage I think, and healing is
one of the few skills I don’t have. I did my best, but I couldn’t fix it.”

“I might be able to relieve some of the pain,” Lily suggested.

Sirius was surprised by how quickly Regulus shook his head. “No, I prefer to live with it.”

“Why?”

“A reminder.”

No one seemed to know what to say to that and they were prevented from even attempting to
speak at the sound of little feet pounding down the stairs. Harry barreled into the kitchen still
in his pajamas, he stopped suddenly as he saw all the adults standing there, before breaking
into a huge grin.

“Moony!”

Remus’s face broke into a soft smile as Harry jumped into his arms, he kissed the little boy
on the forehead as he climbed into Remus’s lap.

“Hey, Harry, look how big you’ve gotten!”

Harry grinned clearly pleased it was being pointed out. “Big,” he agreed.

He flipped himself around on Remus’s lap pausing, his green eyes wide as he noticed
Regulus. “Hi,” he breathed looking up as if entranced.
Regulus, much to Sirius’s surprise, smiled faintly, the corners of his lips just barely tilting up.
“Hi, it’s Harry, right?”

“Yes,” Harry returned Regulus’s minuscule smile with a beaming one of his own. “What’s
your name?” It came out in a mess of a sentence, so quickly that it almost sounded like one
word. Harry rarely ever met new people, he hardly knew how to act.

“Regulus.”

Harry frowned “Re-Regoo, Reg—” cut himself off clearly frustrated he couldn’t pronounce
it.

“Reg,” Regulus offered even though Sirius knew he hated being nicknamed.

“Reg,” Harry paused, “Reggie!” he said excitedly. “Like Har-ryy,” he said emphasizing the
second half of his name.

“Sure,” Regulus nodded. “If you’d like.”

“I like.” Harry nodded. “Reggie,” He repeated just because he was proud he could say it.
Now bored of talking, Harry launched himself off Remus’s lap and ran to his father who was
still standing in the doorway. “Daddy?”

James tore his gaze from Regulus, where it’d been since Harry had turned his attention there.
“Yes, baby?”

“Tea please?”

James scooped Harry up pressing a kiss to his cheek which made him giggle. “Of course, and
some breakfast too. But let’s fix up that hair of yours first.”
They disappeared down the hall and Remus turned to Lily raising an eyebrow. “Your
boyfriend is about to make a complete disaster of Harry’s hair,”

Lily didn’t laugh at the joke, instead, she hesitated. “Uh, actually…”

Remus frowned. “What?”

Lily stood grabbing some mugs from the cabinet for tea, as she set them on the counter she
turned back to them wringing her hands together. “James and I broke up,”

There was a moment of silence as the words took a second to make sense and then Sirius was
jumping up. “What? When?”

“Uh, a while ago. I guess we didn’t really want to bring it up to you when everything was
going on,” She admitted nervously.

“How long is a while ago?”

“Well,” she waved a hand helplessly “it was the beginning of the year.”

Sirius gaped at her. “That was ages ago! I don’t understand, it’s not like you’ve acted any
differently.”

“Yes, that was kind of the thing, I suppose, well… among other things. I mean, we’re family,
we’re friends,” she shrugged. “That will never change. Now we just sleep in separate
bedrooms, it’s not so different at all. Though, the whole honesty thing is actually a little
easier. We’ve been getting on well, we didn’t want to worry you, Sirius.”
“If that’s what’s right for you,” Remus said his voice kind with understanding and Sirius
wanted to punch him. “You both deserve to be happy.”

“We are,” Lily promised, “as much as you can be in times like these. I’m just not the love of
his life, and you know what? As much as you think that’d hurt, I’m okay with it. It just
wouldn’t work out. It was better to know when to let it go.”

“That’s mature of you,” Remus said, “it sounds like the right choice.”

Sirius just frowned still not entirely believing it. “I lived in your house, for months,” he
protested. “I didn’t notice.”

“Well, Sirius you were suffering a lot with Re—” she stopped quickly remembering Remus
was there. “You had a lot on your mind. It’s not a surprise you didn’t notice.”

“James never told me,” He mumbled.

“I know, he didn’t want to burden you.”

Sirius just scoffed. “We’re not supposed to keep secrets,” he said sharply. “Tell me why I just
keep finding out more and more. What’s next, will I find out James fucked my mother too?”

“Hey,” Sirius hadn’t even noticed James had returned until he stood, crossing his arms in the
doorway. “I understand you’re angry with me but that’s enough. If you want to talk we can.”

“Can we? Because when I tried to ask, you had very little to offer me. Okay, so you regret
shagging my brother, boo-hoo, you still did it.”

“I never said that,” James said carefully.

“So, you don’t regret it?”

James’s silence was answer enough and Sirius scoffed, taking in his expression James hurried
to clarify. “I- I don’t… I mean I regret the way I went about things, I regret going behind
your back and I regret not telling you years ago.”

“But you don’t regret him?” Sirius asked pointing accusingly at his Regulus. “You had a
screaming match not half an hour ago, which I have never seen from you, and you want to
tell me it was worth it?” Sirius spat.

“I wouldn’t be the same person today if not for it,” James’s voice was level as he spoke and
just once, Sirius wished James was properly angry with him, only so he could feel justified in
his own anger.

“That’s not an answer.”

“I don’t have an answer, I’m sorry Padfoot I wish I could give you something black and
white, but I can’t.”

“I just don’t understand,” Sirius said stubbornly.

James looked tired beyond his age as he took a deep breath. “I know,” he said simply.

Remus, apparently, eager to avoid any more fights before it was even noon stood suddenly.
“How about tea then?”

Sirius just scowled; how could he be the only person here who felt jilted by this entire
situation? Didn’t they realize they were having tea with an enemy? And that’s what Regulus
was, whether he still had bits of the brother Sirius loved, or not.
Chapter End Notes

Well, it only took 50k words but finally, everyone is together!

I want to say that there will not ever be Lily Evans hate in this fic, I adore her to death
and she hasn't had her moment to shine yet, but it's coming and she's just brilliant.

I hit 80k words on this today and I figure the final count will probably be over 100k at
this point, but I'm very excited. It'll definitely shape up to be my longest project so far,
but the older I get the longer my fics get as well, I hope that's some mark of my writing
skills improving but maybe I just DO NOT KNOW how to kill any darlings :)) there is
no brevity, I could spend 15k words just exploring Jame's narrative and mindset (and
spoiler alert I basically do), getting into my character's heads is definitely my strong suit
over dialogue or action...

I don't celebrate Christmas but my next update will be on the 25th as a little present for
my readers who do!!
Happy holidays babes!! <3

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

When James was sixteen, Regulus Black had been the world. It had started and ended with
the shape of his spine and the curve of his smile, rarely bigger than a flash. When he’d smile
for real, or even on rare occasion laugh, James felt like the most incredible person in the
world. He felt as if there wasn’t and could never be a better feeling. He’d vowed to spend the
rest of his life making Regulus smile. James had broken that vow. For a long time, he hadn’t
felt he could be angry, how do you hate a dead person for hurting you? How can one hold
onto spite when every time you feel it, it comes with grief? So, James, couldn’t be angry. Not
then.

He was angry now.

He wanted to grab Regulus by the shoulders and shake him. He wanted to pull his memories
of the past few years from his head and force Regulus to watch them, so he could see how it
had felt. So he’d be forced to face exactly what he’d done. James was furious.

He’d never really known how to handle that. James had never been an angry person, brash,
reckless at times sure, but angry? No, he’d been raised better than that. In a house where
conflicts were talked through with level voices and honesty. Where hands were soft and
comforting, unconditional in their love no matter the circumstances. James’s parents had
never yelled, never even raised their voices at James. They were always firm in the belief that
yelling fixed nothing. If one of them were truly angry, if they wanted to yell, they’d leave the
room. They'd say they needed air until they didn’t want to yell anymore. James had grown up
a product of that. He'd been spoiled rotten, yes, unaware of anything but the warmth and love
the world had to offer. That meant it took some time for him to learn his way in the real
world, and how it worked outside the safety of his household. By the time he was fifteen,
however, he’d begun to figure it out. Over fifth year, he’d stepped away from his blind naïve
narcissism, and began to think more about the people around him. That was when he’d
stopped harassing Lily, and stopped going out of his way to bully Snape. He started to put
everything he had into taking care of the people around him like Sirius, Remus, who’d been
so cruelly chewed up and spat out by the world, and eventually, Regulus too.
The difference there, however, was that James had learned nothing but patience and kindness
for everyone, everyone except Regulus Black. At first, he’d tried, he’d always been there.
He’d pretended he couldn’t see the tears as he wiped them from Regulus’s face, because he
knew the younger boy was ashamed. He’d hold Regulus and touch with the utmost care,
whisper into his hair, and write him letters every day of the holidays even though he couldn’t
send them.

James had loved Regulus, loved him until it ached. That, was where James’ patience began to
crumble. It had hurt, Merlin, it’d hurt so painfully deep. A knife buried into the softest
weakest parts of his heart, twisting and shredding the tissue of his insides. Eventually, it’d
become impossible to bury that hurt even with Regulus’s rare smile and the wide-eyed gaze
he’d look up at James with. Eventually, fond ‘I hate you’s and the way Regulus called him
Jamie in such reverence, wasn’t enough to replace I love you. Eventually, James didn’t know
how to stop himself from saying it to Regulus, but he didn’t know how to either when he
knew he’d never get one back.

All Regulus did was hurt James, turn his head at every suggestion, scoff any time James
dared to hope. Regulus threw his jabs and pushed and pushed. He just kept pushing and
James kept snapping.

Regulus Black made James an angry person. Someone who yelled, whose words were aimed
to do damage, someone who punched walls and broke things. Regulus saw James in a way no
one else ever would, he had flinched back as James had stood there breathing heavily,
clutching his bloody hand.

“This isn’t who I am,” James had whispered in the aftermath, he’d wanted to step forward,
wipe the fear off of Regulus’s face, kiss away tension in his shoulders. James hadn’t, in fact,
he’d stepped back. He’d taken his wand from his pocket and rolled it across the floor to
Regulus, watching how his gaze had flicked down to it in confusion.

“I don’t want you to think I’d hurt you.”

“You do hurt me.”

“No like that, never like that.”

A pause, a shaky breath. Regulus had picked up James’ wand and stepped forward to place it
back in his hands. “You don’t treat anyone else like this.”

“You hurt me too, no one else hurts me like you do.”

“Then I guess we’re at an impasse.”

“Aren’t we always,” James had bit out, stepping back once more because Regulus was close
again and James wanted to break something.

He’d turned instead, leaving Regulus alone in the room with his shaking hands. James should
have comforted him. He knew he’d scared the younger boy, knew what Regulus’s parents
must have done to him, what that flinch had meant. James had been too afraid he wouldn’t be
able to handle Regulus with the care he should, so he hadn’t stayed. And hadn’t that been a
perfect way to sum up their relationship?

James never stayed when he should have, Regulus was never soft when it was needed.
Neither ever gave when it was the only solution, yet they just kept coming back for more.
Unable to compromise for each other but not any more capable of letting go.

So many years later, James was an adult, twenty-three with a house and a kid. Maybe, he was
a little lost and faded at times, but he was better than that, or so he’d believed. Now James
was scared because he had felt sixteen, seeing Regulus’s gaze as James had yelled, the way
his eyes kept dropping unable to hold James’. He had enough practice hurting Regulus Black
to know that each word had stung, had buried itself deep. It’d been what James had intended
and that filled his brain with static. He didn’t want to be someone who was cruel and angry,
he didn’t want to be so filled with rage at Regulus because he was alive… it was what people
prayed for, their loved ones coming back to life. Yet, James was livid. Regulus’s death had
nearly killed him, he felt ashamed, he felt betrayed, and embarrassed imagining that while
James was mourning, Regulus was galivanting out there somewhere, completely alive.

James didn’t know where he was supposed to go from here. What would they do once
Regulus was healed, let him and Remus go? Turn their backs with the knowledge that they
might never see them again? Stuck in his fury, James hadn’t yet had the chance to consider
anything that had happened the night prior. It pricked at the edges of his consciousness,
begging to be acknowledged. James refused, not now, not when he could feel Regulus’s ring
burning a hole through his chest.

Remus and Regulus were having a whispered argument in the next room, Lily and James
were at least pretending not to listen while Harry messily consumed his breakfast, Sirius
wasn’t even pretending. He was watching them through the doorway with a narrowed gaze,
though in his defense the two weren’t being exactly quiet about their argument.

“…I’m not saying that Remus, I never said let’s grab your loved ones and lead them to their
fucking death!”

“I still think you shouldn’t have said anything.”

“They already knew!”

“No, they knew Horcruxes exist, they didn’t know what we’ve been doing.”

“Don’t be daft, it was obvious.”

“Maybe in your eyes but if you haven’t figured it out yet Regulus your brain works a little
differently than most.”

Regulus scoffed. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, don’t act like I’m insulting you, you’d discovered and held one of Voldemort’s
Horcruxes in your possession at eighteen, before Dumbledore even knew they existed. I’m
just saying you’re smart Regulus, but you forget not everyone sees the world the same way.”

“No, Remus, it sounds like you’re insulting me.”

“Fucking Hell,” Remus said tiredly, they weren’t even bothering to whisper anymore. “Just
be a little more empathetic, that’s all I’m saying. How do you think Sirius feels about all of
this, what about James? Don’t you care how much you’ve hurt them? Don’t do it more. I
want them kept out of this. There are bigger things than beating Voldemort.”

“Are there? Look, I get you want to spare them, but there was no harm in giving some
details! I’m focused on the Horcruxes, are you Remus? I made it very clear from the
beginning what you were giving up, you chose this.”

“I don’t believe you anymore.”

There was a moment of silence and James wished he could clearly see Regulus’s face to
understand what exactly that meant.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” That was a lie, James could tell by the careful
steadiness of Regulus’s voice.

Evidently, Remus knew it too. “Yes you do. You told me from the beginning you had nothing
left to lose. I don’t believe you. Maybe you did at the time, and maybe you convinced
yourself that it was true, but regardless it isn’t anymore. You’re alive Regulus, you’re alive,
and maybe not everything and everyone you lost is, but some of them are. Some of them
know you’re alive too.”

Regulus, of course, chose to simply disregard everything Remus had said. “We’re leaving
tonight,”

“You’re not healed.”

“I don’t care. If you don’t want to go, then stay, Remus, here’s your fucking chance. I made it
clear from the beginning that you were choosing to leave everything behind but if you regret
that then stay, I won’t stop you. I can do this on my own if you want to be with everyone you
love then it is what it is.”
“I wouldn’t be with everyone I love, you would be leaving.”

That seemed to shock Regulus and he was still for a long second. “You don’t love me.”

“I do, you can’t stop me. We’re friends now.”

“We’re not.”

“We are.”

“No, I hate you, Lupin.”

“See, you say that, but I know it’s not true because you never call me Lupin anymore.”

“I just did.”

“Yes, because you’re being stubborn. I’m not leaving you, but I refuse to leave here like I did
last time. I can’t just take off.”

“I thought you didn’t want them involved,”

“I don’t.”

“Then what, Remus?”

James saw Remus pause before shrugging helplessly. “I don’t know,” he said quietly, “but as
long as Lily and James are okay with it, we’re not leaving tonight.”

“No, you shouldn’t ask them to let us stay here, they can’t be okay with that. You never
should have brought me here in the first place.”

“Suck it up, I’m going to ask,” Remus said as if both Lily and James hadn’t clearly heard that
entire conversation.

Remus turned to head back into the kitchen and Regulus started in the other direction.
“Where are you going?” Remus asked, grabbing Regulus’s wrist.

“I need some air, I can’t breathe in here,” Regulus muttered softly and James was surprised to
see it yet again, vulnerability from Regulus Black towards Remus Lupin.

It was so strange to see the two of them so obviously close, Remus and Regulus had never
occupied the same space in James’ mind before now as he saw them together, he realized it
was obvious. They were similar but opposite in the same ways James was with Sirius. They’d
always held a similar worldview, loud and reckless, but where Sirius was sharp and sarcastic,
James had always been softer, warmer.

Regulus and Remus were both clearly too smart for James to keep up, just like Remus and
Lily were, but unlike Remus’s friendship with Lily where the two were almost the same
person, Regulus and Remus were contrasting in ways. He got the feeling they had
disagreements like this often because they both saw the world a little differently, but based on
their success with Horcruxes so far, they must have made a hell of a team when they were on
the same page.

Remus stepped into the kitchen and even Sirius had the sense to look away as if he hadn’t
clearly been eavesdropping.

“I can’t thank you two enough for putting us up,” Remus said stopping at the end of the table.
“I don’t want to ask any more of you, I know us being here potentially putting you in danger
—”
Lily quickly cut him off, not having any of it. “Of course, you can stay, as long as you need.
You’re family Remus, naturally, we’d help you. In fact, I only wish you would have looped
us in from the beginning, even if you did it because you thought you were keeping us safe.”

“I- I didn’t want to force you to choose, not between me and the Order, especially before I
really knew how it was going to play out. You have to understand, in the beginning, Regulus
was still an unknown threat.”

“And now?” Lily asked softly.

“Now I know him, I trust him. That may not make sense to you all. I’m not trying to justify
myself, to be clear. I know I shouldn’t have left the way I did, and I won’t do it again.”

There was the scrape of a chair on the tile and Sirius was standing storming out of the room
angrily. They all paused watching his departure in silence.

“You should…” Lily started and Remus grimaced.

Yes, James thought, Remus should go. He needed to follow Sirius, to talk to him. Try to even
begin reconciling between them. Remus didn’t move and James frowned.

“Moony…” he said slowly.

“I know,” Remus said quickly the words coming out choked. Still, he didn’t move.

--

Remus was terrified. Frozen to the spot, heart beating in his throat. He couldn’t go see Sirius,
he couldn’t talk to him. He couldn’t know. It was better to be in this limbo, unsure if they
were over, if they could fix things. It was better if Remus didn’t know, because if Sirius
didn’t want to fix things, if this was it… Remus was afraid it’d kill him.

James nudged Remus and he thought that was rich, from James of all people. James who had
apparently broken up with Lily, who wore Regulus’s ring every day for years, who was so
obviously and painfully still in love with Regulus, regardless of what he’d said earlier.

Deciding it was better not to point this out and spend the next hour trying to explain to James
that yes he was still in love with Regulus, even if he’d convinced himself otherwise, Remus
settled for shooting him a glare.

Glare aside, Remus took a step forward. After the first step it was easier and so he took
another and another until he was leaving the kitchen and heading up the stairs. He knew
Sirius wouldn’t be outside since Regulus was out there and he stopped outside the guest
bedroom. Or more accurately Sirius and Remus’s bedroom whenever they stayed with Lily
and James. The door was closed, and Remus opened it slowly.

Sirius was at the window, the warmth of Summer was painted in the splash of sunlight on the
floor and the chirp of birds outside. The window was pushed wide open, and a warm breeze
flowed into the room, it smelled like the countryside sweet with nature.

Remus almost turned and walked away. While Sirius hadn’t given any indication he’d heard
Remus come in, he knew he must have. It’d be cowardly to run now, but a part of him didn’t
want to ruin the peacefulness of the scene. He didn’t want to taint this bedroom where they
had laughed and held each other in with the pain between them.

“Sirius.”

Sirius didn’t react and Remus stepped forward. “I think we should talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” Sirius said quietly, he didn’t even look in Remus’s direction
and he tried not to let the dismissal sting, Remus knew Sirius was putting on a face.
“I don’t think that’s true.”

Finally, Sirius spun, the sunlight streaming through the window framed him and if not for the
anger he might have looked like an angel. “Fuck you, Remus, fuck you. You don’t get to
ditch me to run off with my dead brother and then stand here calmly like it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.” Remus shook his head. “Where on earth did you get the idea that I think it
doesn’t?”

Sirius scoffed “Don’t talk down to me,”

“Talk down…” Remus repeated any growing anger quickly dissipating as he turned the
words over in confusion. “Sirius what do you mean? Have I ever talked down to you?”

“Yes,” Sirius said helplessly his voice cracking and that was when Remus knew that at some
point, he had fucked up.

He had terribly and irrevocably fucked up.

“Sirius…” Remus whispered because he couldn’t comprehend how to form any other words.

“Did you not notice?” Sirius whispered and he wasn’t yelling now, his anger had settled into
something else, a deep hurt, and Remus had done it. Remus should have known.

“I…” Remus began helplessly but he didn’t know what he could possibly say to make it
better and he clamped his mouth shut.

“I told you. You made me feel like you forgot about me, like I wasn’t important compared to
your work. You’ve always been so smart and so good, and I’ve been the one who’s reckless
and stupid. I’m the burden you have to deal with, and I told you! I said I felt like you forget
you love me, and you reassured me, and then what’d you do? Certainly not improve how you
treated me, no you completely ignored me for your work and then ran off without a word.
Not just ran off, but ran after I’d found out you were hiding sensitive information about my
own brother! That’s not even to mention that you knew then, didn’t you? You already knew
he was alive, and you stood there in front of me! How fucking long did you know?”

“I- since Italy,” Remus whispered, shame creeping up his neck.

Sirius’s lip curled as his eyes blazed with unshed tears and Remus would have given anything
if he could give up the power he had to hurt Sirius Black.

“I wanted to tell you.”

“Really? You thought of telling me?”

“Of course, I did! Regulus had me swear an oath as soon as I discovered he was alive.”

“How did you discover it?” Sirius spat.

“I was led to his apothecary when I was looking for information on Horcruxes,” Remus told
him quietly, his voice such a contrasting sound from Sirius’s harsh hurt “I had a book, I guess
it was something Regulus had given to James and as soon as he reacted, even through the
glamour I knew it was him.”

Sirius was silent for a moment before he shook his head slowly. “You knew about James and
Regulus?” he asked accusingly his voice chillingly low.

Fuck. That wasn’t the right thing to say. “No,” Remus said quickly. “Not then. I didn’t find it
out until I saw James doodling in his book and I recognized the drawings from the book
Regulus had.”

“So that’s what you and James argued about?”

“Yes, I begged him to tell you. He was convinced you’d never forgive him and since Regulus
was as far as he knew dead… he believed it wasn’t relevant.”

“See, the thing is Remus I’d like to believe that you wanted James to tell me, I’d like to
believe you’d be on my side, but the problem is I can’t trust you anymore. You have done
nothing but lie to me for the past year, how can I trust a thing you say?”

“I went about it wrong Sirius! I know that! I thought I was protecting you!”

“Protecting me?” Sirius asked in disbelief, throwing his arms up. “Are you joking?”

“Look, you don’t understand!” Remus insisted, his own voice now rising as well. “I know I
shouldn’t have lied to you, I know I should have handled the entire thing differently! I regret
the way I went about it, but I don’t regret doing it. This may be the only chance we ever have
to defeat Voldemort. With these Horcruxes, he’ll live forever Sirius. He’ll keep growing more
powerful and he’ll wipe us out. If I’d done nothing, you would have died, we all would have
died. There was no other outcome. So, if I had to choose between leaving you behind to make
sure you’d have the chance to live, or staying and watching you die as the war sucked every
bit of goodness out of the world around us… the choice wasn’t hard! It wasn’t hard in the
slightest and I didn’t want to hurt you, but I love you enough to choose to leave. Regulus said
he did this because he had nothing to lose, I did it because I have everything to lose. You are
my everything.”

At least that didn’t immediately elicit another round of screaming from Sirius but as he
paused blinking for a heavy moment, despite the softness of his voice, his words were
devastating. “Remus I can’t believe you… I want to, I really do, but you haven’t proven this
to me. I have seen very little evidence within the last few years that you even fucking love
me. I’d die for you Moony, I give you every star in the sky, I’d pull down the sun if you
wanted it. I love you with every beat of my heart and pump of my blood, but I don’t believe
you.”

Remus didn’t know what to say to that, what words could he say that hadn’t already been
said? “I do love you,” he whispered. “You have to know that. Please, Sirius. Please…”
“Maybe,” Sirius said quietly. "Maybe not enough."

That was enough to crack Remus’s heart in two, because Sirius was in every breath he took,
every thought from waking to sleeping. Even in sleep, he was there too, in every dream,
every moment. Remus didn’t know how to be a human being if he wasn’t in love with Sirius
Black. There was no universe where he could imagine himself not being so inescapably, soul-
devouringly in love with Sirius. Yet somehow, Sirius didn’t know that.

“I’m going to prove it,” Remus said suddenly, raising his chin in a challenge .“No ‘maybe’s,
no uncertainty. I love you with every bit of my soul Pads and I’ll make sure that’s
undeniable.”

“I want you to,” Sirius whispered. “I really want you to, I just hope you can.”

With that, Sirius pushed past him leaving Remus standing alone in the sunlit bedroom.

--

Lily felt like a spectator. They spent three awkward days, all existing in the same house, all
twisted in their own tangled-up relationships, and she felt as if she were looking in on it all.
Like she was watching a trainwreck and unable to do anything to stop it.

Sirius wouldn’t look at Remus, while Remus spent most of his time sneaking pained gazes at
his partner. Sirius and James seemed to have come to a tentative truce, but they were nowhere
close to making up. There was still a distance between them that Lily hadn’t seen since The
Prank of fifth year. Regulus and Sirius hadn’t even acknowledged each other in the slightest,
in fact, Lily couldn’t remember if Regulus had even spoken directly to his brother in the time
he’d been there. James and Regulus seemed to have mutually decided to ignore each other
after their argument on the first day.

James had been out of it since then, eyes glazed over as he stared into space, except now Lily
knew where he was going. Somewhere when Regulus was a smile and a boy he loved,
somewhere Lily couldn’t follow. It was strange to see James still mourning Regulus, even
though he was in the same house. She wondered if it’d hit him eventually when the anger left
room for anything else. Lily was afraid the result would be catastrophic.

Over the past several months, James had begun to open up to Lily, not just about Regulus, but
about himself. She hadn’t entirely known how reserved James was, Lily thought herself
someone who knew him well. She knew James had trouble asking for help or revealing any
signs of imperfection, she hadn’t known just how long and how severely he’d struggled, the
depths he went to keep it from Sirius, from everyone. It pained her, to wonder if things had
been different she would have been privy to this. If not for Regulus getting there first, then
she would have been the one to know the mess underneath his wide grin and proud shoulders.

As much as Lily mourned what she and James might have been, the truth was she’d known,
probably for a long time that they weren’t made to be forever. Not in this life. Maybe in
another, she’d agreed to give him a chance sooner, maybe Regulus turned his head and James
had never been given the chance to fall. Maybe they’d be blissfully and naively happy for the
rest of their lives. Maybe there was some universe out there where Regulus Black had never
touched their lives, but it wasn’t this one.

So, in this life, Lily was standing in the library, running her fingers over the books on their
shelf, trying to work through the complexity of the past few days.

They had three shelves in the Potter-Evans library. It was a small room stacked full of books.
She and James had a shared shelf, one crammed with old textbooks, photo albums,
cookbooks… anything they’d both used. The shelf to the right was Lily’s. It was filled with
books on magical theory, history, medical magic, and a few pieces of fiction, and poetry, but
for the most part, it was potion book after potion book.

James’s shelf was pretty much the opposite of Lily’s. Many of the books were unread because
it took James so long to get through a single book so half of them were divided by a messy
note sticking out of the shelf stating, ‘TO READ!!’ The ones he had read, were messy, with
folded pages and cracked spines. It was almost entirely fiction, with plenty of muggle
literature and poetry, not a single book on theory or magic in sight.

Lily never really touched James’ shelf, occasionally they’d share a book recommendation,
but for the most part, they had very different tastes. Now, she ran her finger down the spines,
as if she could gain some insight into James’ mind through the books he chose.
The creak of a floorboard alerted Lily to someone in the doorway, and she turned to study a
timid Regulus Black.

“Uh, sorry,” He mumbled, he still stood with his shoulders hunched and Lily could tell his
injury must have been bothering him. However, as of that morning, there’s been no sign of
infection, and the oversized jumper he was wearing looked clean of any blood, so she decided
it best not to prod him on it.

“It’s okay, you can come in I was just looking for a book to read,” she told him.

“I was just, looking for somewhere…” he waved his hand vaguely, “away.”

His demeanor was so different from a few days earlier and Lily wondered which one was the
real Regulus. The dark-eyed man who had sat in her kitchen, carelessly explaining how he’d
gotten one over on Voldemort at a mere eighteen years of age, or the man who’d spoken so
softly to Remus, who’d never forgotten his brother, who still clearly cared about Sirius and
James despite everything.

Lily thought, that he was probably both of those people. Sharp, dangerous, cruel when
needed, but caring, committed to the people he loved, willing to sacrifice pretty much
anything to right his wrongs. As the only person in the house who had no prior personal
relationship with Regulus, Lily thought she could probably see him clearer than any of them.
What she saw at the moment was a young man who had more power and responsibility on his
shoulders than he knew what to do with. A young man stuck in a house with people he’d
failed, drowning in guilt and pain. Lily Evans knew she was a bleeding heart; her parents had
always said so. She was too kind and gave too many chances. It was why she’d stayed friends
with Severus so long, she’d seen his potential to be good and been so sure he’d choose to be.
But he hadn’t, and she’d learned after that, bleeding heart or not. Not everyone was going to
make the right choice, but still, she always hoped they would. She and James were alike in
the fact that they believed in chances, in everyone’s ability to be good, or at least they once
had been. Lily didn’t think James was open or willing to give any chances to Regulus Black
at that moment, but she hadn’t had her heart broken by him, she wanted to see what he’d do
with a chance.
“Come in,” she said repeating her earlier offer since Regulus hadn’t moved from the
doorway.

He hesitated for a heavy second before stepping carefully over the threshold.

“You like to read?” She asked.

Regulus just nodded, clearly still cautious in the conversation. Maybe he was waiting for Lily
to curse him out for having James first, for technically taking him from her. But she wasn’t
interested in that; it wasn’t truly Regulus’s fault. It wasn’t his fault he’d fallen in love with
James, that he’d unknowingly taken a chunk out of the Gryffindor’s heart and never given it
back. It wasn’t his fault that James had never been able to move on. Regulus hadn’t
orchestrated James’ feelings, hadn’t manipulated him, or seemingly ever been dishonest
about the kind of person he was. Lily couldn’t and didn’t blame Regulus for what might have
been between her and James.

“You can choose something if you’d like,” Lily told him gesturing to the shelves. “Though
the middle shelf is the boring shared shelf, so unless you’re interested in reading a cookbook
or History of Magic: Volume 5. you probably don’t want to read any of those.” Lily watched
Regulus step forward eyes scanning over her books before stopping at James’ shelf.

He reached out fingers brushing an old copy of The Picture of Dorian Grey, pausing
momentarily before delicately pulling the book from its place.

“Have you read that before?” Lily asked, watching the way his brow furrowed as he studied
the book intensely.

“Yes,” Regulus let the book fall open, and on the inside of the cover, Lily noted three tiny
letters inked in perfect looping handwriting.

R.A.B
It took her a moment to put the pieces together. “That’s your book,” she said slowly.

“It was,” Regulus said, and then much to her surprise, he continued. “My parents wouldn’t
have allowed me to keep muggle books so I couldn’t take them home with me. I know Sirius
was the same with his records.”

“James would keep them,” Lily remembered “take them over the summer and give them back
to Sirius at Hogwarts. He did the same for your books, didn’t he?”

“Once,” Regulus nodded, “when I was going into my fifth year, after that…” he shrugged “I
burned the ones I had before I left Hogwarts, but we shared a lot of books, I guess he kept
these ones.”

“How many of these are yours?” Lily asked glancing up at the packed shelves.

Regulus reached out waving a hand at the entire top row. “All of those,” he looked over at
Lily grasping the copy of The Picture of Dorian Grey in his arms. “Anything that hasn’t been
offensively defaced is mine,”

Lily smiled at that. “James does have a habit of drawing in his books.”

Regulus fell back into his nonverbal answers, just nodding and Lily figured despite the
obvious subject of Regulus and James written all over the room, Regulus didn’t want to talk
about it.

Deciding now wasn’t the time to breach the subject Lily nodded to the book he was holding.
“So, do you like that one?”

“Dorian Grey?” Regulus tilted his head considering the question. “It isn’t my favorite, but it’s
interesting. The things people sacrifice for beauty, for art. How easy it is to become a
monster. To chase after some desire and never truly fulfill it, how easy to lose everything in
the process. To die, old withered, and unrecognizable despite selling your soul for the
opposite. It was one of the first muggle pieces I read, so it has a special place in my heart.”

“I wouldn’t have expected you to like muggle classics so much,” Lily said, “but I can see
why you do. You seem to have a deep interest in the deeper meaning, not like James,” she
shook her head. “When I first found out James liked to read it shocked me.”

Regulus looked away, and Lily thought maybe she’d pushed too far by bringing James up
again but after a moment Regulus spoke. “James just likes stories, escaping into another
world far from our own. I on the other hand think literature is vital to keep perspective, to
understand what a small thread we hang from, and how easy it is to fall off. It keeps me
aware.”

“Like the pain,” Lily remembered, “you said it was a reminder?”

Lily hadn’t realized how much more open Regulus’s expression had become until it abruptly
shuttered closed. “Yes,” he said simply. “Can I read this?”

“Well, it’s your book isn’t it?” Lily said, knowing when a topic was closed. “Come on, the
back porch should be empty, I’ll make some tea if you’d like.”

Regulus studied her face as if waiting for her to laugh or take back the offer, he didn’t seem
to find any dishonesty in her expression because after a moment he nodded, following her out
into the sunlit hall.

Lily couldn’t help but feel quite certain that she was very right in her decision to give
Regulus Black a chance.

--

One would think, looking back on the catastrophic tragedy of James Potter and Regulus
Black, there would be something good. That was how it worked in love right? That was the
good, the pure and golden. A heart beating between the two of them coloring the scene
shades of rose and pink.

There wasn’t.

James and Regulus were never happy. Not once, not fully even a single time.

It was a terrible stomach-churning thought, but an undeniable fact. James hadn’t really
answered if he regretted it when Sirius had asked, but Regulus? He did. He regretted every
second, every minute, every shaking breath he took under James Potter’s hands. If he could
do it all again, he wouldn’t.

There had only ever been one brief moment at fifteen that Regulus had wondered if he’d get
to choose James, only a second when he’d considered it. That was quickly shot down by
Dumbledore and Regulus never entertained the thought again. He was never going to choose
James. He loved the boy too much to ask him to leave Sirius, Remus or anyone else, and
Regulus didn’t love James enough to make his own sacrifices, to turn his back on the only
life he’d ever known.

They’d always been tainted by those things. Even in the beginning, before every conversation
was an argument, when they still bothered to pretend they had any ending aside from a
bloody tragedy. Every touch, every smile, was stolen, followed by a look over the shoulder, a
stab of guilt. Regulus and James never existed outside of the consequences of their
relationship, it was always there, a shadow over their heads.

So yes, Regulus loved James Potter to death, but he regretted every single second. If given
the chance, he never would have touched James, never would have tainted him. “Ruined”
him, as James had put it. If they’d been anyone else it might have been a dramatization, a jab
thrown meant only to hurt, but with them it was just the truth. Regulus saw it in the heat of
James’ anger, the tightness of his jaw, and the emptiness in his eyes. Regulus saw it before
too, when James was sixteen gripping Regulus’s wrist, begging for something neither of them
had to offer.

So, when Regulus woke from his nightmare choking on a sob, it didn’t feel so different from
real life.
In fact, Regulus knew the first part had once happened.

“You’re not a good person."

“I never claimed to be.”

“I know, but you had the potential to be. You’ve made your choice.”

“Don’t act like you know anything about my choices,” Regulus had said, James hadn’t even
looked his way, eyes trained on the floor.

“Yeah, I get it I’m a fool.”

“You are,” Regulus had said harshly. “You can’t fix me, James,”

“I didn’t want to fix you, I wanted you to want to be fixed.”

“All of that implies I need fixing, I don’t need to be fixed.”

James had looked up at that, his gaze wasn’t sharp but that had been worse somehow, his
face just looked blank. “Maybe fixed isn’t the right word, but you needed to be something you
aren’t.”

“To you.”

“To more than just me, to most people.”

Regulus had laughed humorlessly. “You know what, you’re right, Jamie. I come up short for
every single person in my goddamn life. Thank you for reminding me.”

“Don’t call me that when you’re angry with me.”

“Jamie,” Regulus repeated, just to watch James flinch, Regulus had laughed once again,
glad to see the pain flit across James’ previously blank expression. “Do you wish I was
dead?”

“Not dead,” came James’ response after a moment far too long “but I wish you weren’t here,
not with me. I wish you were gone.”

Regulus tried to speak but water was filling his lungs, there were hands at his throat,
gripping his limbs and pulling him under. Regulus couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even scream.
Couldn’t even be sorry. All he could think was… finally

That was when Regulus woke, the first gasping breath he took, he half expected to fill his
lungs with water, burning his throat. It didn’t, it was just air. A little warm and muggy in the
British summer, but just air.

Regulus hated these nightmares and he shivered, pulling the blankets around him as he tried
to shake off that lingering feeling in the back of his mind… the relief.

Lily had been adamant Regulus take the spare bedroom while he was healing, and Sirius had
made up a cot in James’ room leaving Remus who insisted on taking the couch. Regulus had
expected him to be asleep there when he crept down the stairs, but the living room was empty
and so Regulus followed a small flicker of light into the kitchen.

Remus was sitting at the table, bent over a book, a single candle lit the room as he wrote, his
quill scratching on the parchment.
He looked up when Regulus came in. “Reg?”

“What are we going to do?” Regulus asked quietly, sliding into the seat next to him.

Remus surveyed him, eyes tired, he looked utterly defeated as he shrugged. “I don’t know,”
he said in a small voice. “Destroy the diary I guess but I have no idea where to go from
there.”

Regulus nodded. “Honestly, I didn’t see us making it this far, I mean I hoped…”

“But it seemed impossible,” Remus finished. “Yeah… I don’t know what we got ourselves
into. To think just a year ago we were such different people.”

“Merlin…” Regulus sighed, letting his hand fall into his hands, when he spoke again his
voice was muffled. “We can’t stay here. We can’t waste any more time, but I don’t even
know what the fuck we’re supposed to do. We can safely assume that Ravenclaw’s diadem as
the last of the founder’s belongings is definitely a Horcrux, but I don’t even know where to
begin in finding that, it’s been lost for centuries. And if the diary is a Horcrux, then could
other personal belongings be as well? And if so what?”

“Well, what’s important to Voldemort?” Regulus startled at Lily’s voice, straightening up to

see her in the doorway. He long red hair was in a long plait down her back and she plopped
down on Remus’s other side, lifting up her knees to her chest. “Sorry to interrupt,” She said.
“I couldn’t sleep. But this diary must have been important to Voldemort for some reason, a
piece of his childhood or something. Maybe if you figure out why he chose it, you’ll figure
out what else he may have made into a Horcrux.”

Before Regulus could respond there was the sound of footsteps, Sirius paused briefly as he
registered other people in the kitchen. He frowned before walking past the to start water for
tea without a word.

“Everyone’s up tonight, huh?’ Lily said raising an eyebrow.

Choosing to ignore the intrusion Regulus leaned back thinking hard, why was the diary
important to the Dark Lord?

James walked through the doorway only moments after Sirius, no doubt he’d heard his best
mate get up. He stared at them all for a second. “What’s going on?” there was a series of
vague shrugs in response and James just sighed glancing to Sirius who was making tea and
then to Remus’s notes sprawled everywhere before stepping towards the kitchen table. He
rubbed his eyes tiredly and Regulus couldn’t help but notice the way his hair was mussed,
and his shirt hung loosely off his shoulder. James was fairly tall so the fact that his pajamas
were big on him made Regulus wonder if the shirt belonged to Remus who towered over just
about anyone, even James.

James stopped between Remus and Lily, planting both his hand on the table and leaning
forward to glance at what Remus had been writing. As he did, his oversized shirt slipped
down, and Regulus caught the glint of a chain as a necklace slipped free from where’d it’d
been hidden under James’ collar. In the dim light it took Regulus a very long moment to
place what he was looking at but when he did he stood suddenly, the scrape of his chair on
the tile breaking the sleepy silence.

It wasn’t exactly a necklace at all but a ring, Regulus’s ring, on a chain around James’ neck.
Regulus’s ring which he’d given to James the day he’d decided he was going kill himself.

Every head in the room had turned to Regulus at his sudden movement but he couldn’t
answer the questioning looks, couldn’t breathe around the water bubbling in his lungs. There
was water, Regulus was sure of it. He could taste the dirty bitter taste of that revolting dark
lake on his tongue. He could feel the hands pulling him down.

“I wish you were gone,” James had said and that was worse than if he’d said dead. If it’d
been dead Regulus might not have thought it entirely true, but gone? Yes, Regulus had
wished that too, a million times from a very young age. Sirius had wished it, their parents had
wished it, and most people wanted to be rid of Regulus Black

“Regulus,” he wasn’t in the cave, he wasn’t drowning, dead hands weren’t pulling him under,
that was Remus. Remus whose hand was resting gently on Regulus’s arm, whose eyes were
so warm and so alive in the flickering light of the candle. Remus’s brow was furrowed, and
Regulus blinked.
He swallowed; he wasn’t drowning. Regulus looked to Remus and the back to the ring
around James’ neck. This time James seemed to follow his gaze and he looked down, pausing
as he caught sight of the very visible necklace. Remus obviously noticing their point of
interest frowned and Regulus tried to recall if he had ever discussed this ring with Remus
before, he felt the nagging memory of a conversation at the edges of his mind, but he couldn’t
really recall it.

And then, cutting through the edges of panic that had been pulling at his chest since he awoke
from his nightmare, was a light. A realization, shocking Regulus out of his distant state.

“The Dark Lord had a ring,” Regulus said suddenly, and Remus’s concern morphed into
confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he wore one,” Regulus remembered. “I recall it clearly because my parents had
discussed it. It was a Gaunt heirloom apparently, that family was a direct descendent of
Salazar Slytherin.

“Is Voldemort a Gaunt?” Sirius asked and Regulus barely stopped himself from spinning in
shock, it was the first time in the entire stay that Sirius had even looked at Regulus, much less
addressed him.

“Couldn’t be… right? I mean you know the line; it died out.” Regulus said slowly, maybe no
one else knew the significance of the Gaunts, but Sirius and Regulus had been very
thoroughly educated and drilled (often violently) about each and every pureblood family and
their lineage.

“Maybe it didn’t,” Sirius shrugged, he didn’t fully meet Regulus’s eyes and he wondered if
his brother was trying to pretend he was someone else. “I mean, who knows what happened
to the family… We don’t even know Voldemort’s real name. He could be a descendant.”
“Tom Riddle.”

Regulus’s head snapped up to James who sometime within the last few minutes had grabbed
the diary and opened it.

“What the fuck?” Regulus hurried up beside him to grab it from James’ grasp.

James caught Regulus’s wrist easily, his fingers firmly encasing his arm, stopping him from
grabbing the book. James nudged Regulus’s shoulder and Regulus wanted to laugh. It was
like James had forgotten at that moment that they didn’t get to touch anymore, that James had
no right to grab him.

“Look, that’s the name on the inside,” James pushed it closer to Regulus so he could see. “If
this belonged to Voldemort then that could be his name.”

“Tom Riddle,” Remus mumbled, “what a mundane name.”

“It’s not pureblood,” Sirius pointed out, “Riddle.”

Regulus shook his head. “Merlin, all that blood supremacy and he’s not a fucking
pureblood.”

He grabbed the diary and this time James let him, it was only as he went to turn that he
realized James was still holding his wrist and Regulus was suddenly awkwardly met with
James’ chest, the star ring still glinting in the dim light. Regulus was hit by an intense wave
of emotion that he didn’t even want to begin to examine. James didn’t love Regulus, James
probably regretted him, even if he wouldn’t admit it. And regardless of how James felt,
Regulus did regret it, he would never let himself fall into James Potter’s orbit ever again.
Even though he still wore that stupid fucking ring for reasons unknown, even though he
smelled the same, warm and safe, like home… or the closest thing Regulus had ever had.
James’ eyes darted down to Regulus’s face before dropping his wrist with an awkward
cough.

It was obvious to Regulus, he knew what James’s face looked like when he wanted. How his
gaze would darken with desire, his mouth falling open slightly. James did want Regulus, now,
even after everything, after all those years… but wanting was different than love. If that had
ever been enough they wouldn’t be where they were now. Want was easy, desire was simple.

Regulus remembered how in the beginning Remus had implied that James and Regulus had
been simply fucking, it’d been a horrible thought to Regulus. If they had been, none of this
would have happened, it wouldn’t have been enough to turn either from their paths

Wanting wasn’t enough, it would never be enough for more than a breath caught in a throat or
a look that lasted a moment too long.

James stepped back; Regulus turned away. Not James Potter, never again.

“Voldemort’s potential name aside,” Remus said, saint he was breaking the tension. “We need
to go back to the ring for a moment. Did he wear it a lot?”

Regulus nodded. “All the times I saw him, which I must admit weren’t that many. However, I
figure it must have had some value.”

“So, it could be a Horcrux,” Remus mused.

“We did agree he’d most likely create seven, he always does things in sets of sevens. Seven
attacks and then a break, groups of seven Death Eaters, and so on.” Regulus shrugged. “We
know the diadem is a Horcrux for sure, possibly the ring and then only one more.”

“Right,” Remus shook his head. “So it’s only a matter of finding a lost diadem, stealing
Voldemort’s favorite ring, and then figuring out and retrieving this mysterious final object.”
“Don’t sound so cynical Remus, that’s my job.”

Remus snorted. “I am cynical, Reg, you’re the only person in the world more pessimistic than
I am, you make me sound like an optimist in comparison.”

“Well, we did break into Gringotts, we’ll manage,” Regulus said deciding to display some
optimism for once.

“Did you really?” Lily asked. “I mean I know that’s where Remus was found but I didn’t
realize you’d actually broken in,” she shook her head mouth agape. “And all that stuff about
Crouch, was it true?”

“We did, the thing about Barty was a lie,” Remus admitted looking slightly ashamed.

“How?” James asked incredulously. “Isn’t it impossible to break into Gringotts?”

“Technically,” Regulus answered, “but it isn’t really designed to keep someone from breaking
into their own vault.”

“Oh,” James said quietly almost more to himself, “you two of you are dangerous.”

Remus smiled faintly at that, Regulus didn’t. Because it was James talking and Regulus
refused to smile at him, or in his general vicinity, really.

“So, you have to find that ring?” Lily asked frowning. “It’s probably important to trace
Voldemort’s lineage then, right? Find out who he is, where he came from.”

“Yes,” Remus agreed. “No easy feat, but researching… that’s something I can do.”
“I want to help,” Lily said firmly, putting a hand out to stop Remus from protesting. “I know
you didn’t want any of us involved but we are, we’ve always been because we’re in this war
too, because we’re in it with you. I can’t speak for Sirius of James of course, but I want to
help.”

“So do I,” James said quickly. “This is a big task to do alone, maybe I’m not some genius like
you guys but I can’t let this go, not now that I know. Not if it means ending this war.”

With that, there was a moment of silence as all eyes fell on Sirius. Sirius who still didn’t want
to speak to Regulus, who had been avoiding Remus, and shooting sharp glares at pretty much
everyone but Lily the past few days.

“I don’t trust either of you,” Sirius said sharply, stepping forward. “You,” he said pointing to
Remus, “lied through your fucking teeth and fucked off for months like it was nothing. And
you…” When Sirius looked at Regulus, it felt like the first time. Like his gaze was pulling
Regulus apart bit by bit. “I don’t even know where to begin with you.” When Sirius laughed
humorlessly, it stung. “But I care about ending this war, I care about Harry getting to grow up
in a world that’s safe for him, I care about not losing anyone else I care about. So, I’m in too,
but don’t think this as any sort of forgiveness.”

A part of Regulus hated Sirius for that, forgiveness? Sirius had given up, Sirius had taken the
only chance at freedom. Sirius had left Regulus.

The other part of Regulus knew he was a terrible, selfish person for hating his brother.
Because Sirius had wanted Regulus to leave, Sirius had offered and he’d refused. Even
though he had abandoned Regulus long before that, even though by the time Sirius was
fifteen, they were standing with a chasm between them. Sirius had pulled away and Regulus
had never tried to get him back, in fact, he’d only pushed him farther, caught in his spite and
hurt. Sirius was supposed to be Regulus’s person, Sirius was supposed to love him most, and
he hadn’t. Regulus had belonged to Sirius, but Sirius had never belonged to him. So, Regulus
did hate his brother, and he hated himself for that too.

Now, it looked like they were stuck in this shit show together.

“Well,” Regulus said, “looks like it’s a party.”

 California

1983

It was the last day of summer when Mary’s world ended.

She used to think about death a lot, she saw it every time she closed her eyes. The slow,
unstoppable rot that touched everything around them. Snaking its fingers around her friend’s
throats, claiming everyone she loved one by one. The day she’d left, Mary had decided she
couldn’t watch them fall, she couldn’t risk being the last one, standing on the battlefield,
bodies littered around her.

Now, sometimes she wondered if she’d be the last one standing anyway. Were any of the
people she’d loved still alive?

On the last day of summer, she’d returned from work earlier than usual, the dry California
heat beating down on her neck. She’d tied her hair up to keep it from sticking to her face,
toeing off her heels as she stepped through the front door.

“Chris?” She called into the house, but there was no response. She didn’t think much of it.
See, Mary had become comfortable, and at ease in her life, a mistake with fatal
consequences.

On that day, Mary had thought about what to make for dinner on her way home, she
considered whether the school bake sale the next day would be a total disaster.
It would, two of the volunteers wouldn’t show up, they’d be short cookies and a PTA parent
would start a fight. But Mary would never know this because she’d never make it there.

She’d never make it out of her house again. As she dropped her keys on the counter and fixed
herself a glass of water she didn’t know she’d never pick those keys back up, she didn’t know
it was the last water she’d ever drink.

She didn’t, not even as she turned and screamed, the glass shattering on the floor as she came
face to face with Peter Pettigrew. Because for a moment, Mary thought she knew Peter, she
thought that regardless of how estranged they were he had still been a friend.

Until she caught sight of her husband’s body on the staircase, eyes wide and unseeing.

Then, she knew. She knew that for all her running, it hadn’t mattered. The rest of her life,
now ticking down before her eyes like a clock, Mary didn’t think of her dead husband, she
didn’t think of her students who probably wouldn’t attend her funeral or the bake sale she
wasn’t going to make it to. She didn’t think of her dead loved ones or whether Lily would
ever know that Mary had loved her, Instead, she thought that it’d been silly to worry she
would be the last one standing, that was no longer a problem.

“Hello, Mary,” Peter smiled, “I think we should talk,”

So, on that day, the last scorching day of summer, in a quiet neighborhood in California,
Mary Macdonald took her last breath.

The next day her neighbors got into their cars and went to work, students packed their
lunches, and a fight broke out over a school bake sale, the world kept on turning, entirely
unaware.

But somewhere, many thousands of miles away in her own cozy little house, Lily Evans was
reminded of her old friend, and she smiled. She hoped Mary was well.
Chapter End Notes

You guys: aww Mary, I'm glad she's happy!

Me knowing I'd already killed her off by the time I posted that interlude chapter: Uh...
yeah! Mary!

Sorry guys :))

Lily is she's so mature, kind, and amazing and you'll soon get to see her be smart and
badass as well! I'm very excited! I really wanted to highlight just what an incredible
person she is in this fic since in canon everything people say about her is how kind she
is, she's way too good for James. Sorry for the hint of Mary/Lily angst! This fic is too
devoid of wlw relationships and as a queer girl, I wanted to sneak it in somehow. I
definitely should write a Mary and Lily fic someday because I love those two.

idk if any of you guys are fans of literature but I thought Dorian Grey was an interesting
parallel to make considering Voldemort's desire to live forever, obviously a very
different precedent, but fun to reference nonetheless.

Anyway, happy holidays and merry Christmas, thanks to everyone who left incredibly
kind comments on my last chapter. Reading your comments makes me kick my feet and
giggle like a child. Seriously you all make my day!

Updating next weekend!

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Notes

TW for this chapter!!

There's some fairly big talk of suicidal ideation plus a brief reference to an attempt as
well as drug abuse. Nothing graphic, but be aware it's present in this chapter.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Chapter Fourteen

British Magical Archives Library, London

1983

James and Remus were sent to the British Magical Archives Library, or BMA as Remus
called it, staring at James like he was crazy for never having heard of such a thing.

“I thought you liked to read,” he said in offense.

“Yeah, stories,” James rolled his eyes. “Not historical records.”

Remus had sighed but there was no malice in it, that was probably why they’d been chosen as
the pair to go on the outing. James and Remus were the only combination of people who
weren’t currently on the outs with each other (aside from Lily, but she’d thought it best to
stay and act as a buffer between the Black brothers in a way that neither James nor Remus
could.)

Sure, James wasn’t exactly happy with Remus for running off with Regulus without telling
them, but he understood that Regulus had made him swear an oath to keep him a secret. He
also understood that Remus truly wanted to protect them even though he went about it all
wrong. Plus, James wasn’t exactly innocent himself either. Remus was the first person to find
out about James and Regulus, and overall, despite their argument, he had been better about it
than James had expected. Even though Remus hadn’t understood at the time, James got the
feeling he did now. He hadn’t really known Regulus yet, clearly, that had changed.

James had been nervous about visiting the archives, but the old woman at the desk barely
looked up as they came in. Her voice was dreadfully monotone as she explained the spell to
help them find what they were looking for and sent them on their way without a second
glance. The place was entirely empty, and their footsteps echoed, rising through the vast
building.

Remus cast the locating spell the woman had given them and James was glad that he'd been
been paying attention because James certainly had not. “Pureblood families are this way,”
Remus gestured, and James followed after him.

They walked down the row, James’ eyes scanned the names which seemed to go in
alphabetical order.

There were the Abbots, Averys, Blacks… James paused at that card, running a hand over the
files. They were all public records, marriages, births, and deaths, in chronological order.
James looked at a bound file near the end of the Black section, pulling it out to see
documentation of a name change, Narcissa Black becoming Narcissa Malfoy. There was only
one file after that and honestly, James should have known what it was, but it still hit him like
a sucker punch to the gut as he realized he was holding a copy of Regulus Black’s death
record.

Name: Regulus Arcturus Black

Age: 18

Sex: Male

Cause of death: Calming Draught: overdose.

Death date: November 1979 , exact date of death undeterminable.

Location of death: Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, borough of Islington.

Registered: Walburga Black 1979.

(Family chose to take care of body privately, was not released to Ministry of Magic. Certified
by private Coroner* details on page 5.)

Survived by: Walburga Black.

“James.”

At some point, Remus must have realized James was no longer with him and he turned back,
he now stood at James’ shoulder, face scrunched in concern. His eyes flicked down to the
parchment and he paused registering the death certificate, slowly he reached forward taking it
from James’ hand and sliding it back into its empty spot.

“You realize he isn’t dead?” Remus asked softly.

“Of course, I know,” James said an edge creeping into his voice. “He was sitting in my living
room this morning.”

“Yes, he was,” Remus said unflinchingly. “I know you know that, but do you realize? Do you
understand that you are feeling this grief for a man you can go home to as soon as we’re done
here?”

“I can’t go home to him, and I’m not grieving.”

“You are. That’s okay. I know you’ve been living with his death for so many years, a little
while of knowing he’s alive and a week or two spent under the same roof isn’t going to
change that. You’re grieving him still and it’s more than just his death, I think you were
devastated over losing him before he was dead, and once he was dead you never allowed
yourself to feel it. I remember the end of sixth year, I remember that I caught you sobbing,
you were a wreck. I know now it must have been about Regulus. I know you’re scared, and I
spent so long blind to your pain James, but I see it now. You don’t have to pretend you’re
fine, you don’t have to keep your head up all the time. It’s clear you’re hurting and you don’t
know how to cope with any of this. But Regulus is alive, and I just think you should think
about it, really think about it. Take the time to sit down and open yourself up to what it
means.”
“I’m scared,” James admitted, barely a whisper. “He still feels dead, like he’s a ghost, like if I
reach out to touch him my hands might go right through.”

“They won’t,” Remus whispered.

They stood for a moment, simply breathing together among the hundreds of thousands of
documents, the shelves which stretched to the tall ceiling, containing pieces of people who
were long gone, and some who weren’t. James took in a deep shaking breath before pulling
Remus into a tight hug.

Remus hugged him back immediately, leaning down slightly, James let his head fall onto his
shoulder. Remus was the only person James had ever known who was taller than him and he
took comfort in being the smaller person for once. In being taken care of.

“I missed you,” James whispered. “I’m glad you came back.”

Remus pulled back putting both hands on either side of James’s head. “I’m glad too.”

James was reminded of the moment Remus had mentioned earlier, the day James had turned
his back on Regulus.

He’d just been sitting in their dormitory, trying to think, trying to rid himself of the last image
of Regulus in his brain. How his eyes had fluttered shut, James had tried to imagine what
Regulus could have been thinking, wondering why he couldn’t even look at what he’d done
to James.

Remus had walked in, he’d stopped. Ever observant, he’d known something was wrong,
kneeling down in front of James.

“James? Is something wrong?”

James had tried to laugh. Wrong? Wrong didn’t even come close to describing the feeling
eating everything up inside of him. The overwhelming, insatiable, blackness devouring him
whole. Tainting the red of his blood, clouding his vision in shades of grey. James was
drowning, he was dying. He wanted to scream, to shatter the window, tear his posters from
the wall, flip his mattress, and light the sheets on fire. He’d tried to laugh and instead, he’d
started to cry.

Deep aching sobs that wrenched themselves from James’ body, he broke, shattered. The
delicate pieces that he’d been pushing back together since Regulus Black had walked into his
life, finally coming apart, crumbling in his hands.

Remus’s reaction had been immediate, despite never having seen James cry, he’d wrapped his
friend in his arms and hadn’t let go until all that was left of his anguish was his shaky gasping
breaths.

“Don’t tell Sirius,” had been the only thing James had been able to say.

Now, looking at Remus in the archive building, his face dry his mind only slightly quieter
than it’d been that day, James wished it all felt far away. It didn’t. He remembered that pain
like it was yesterday. He remembered finding out Regulus was dead, he’d screamed.
Screamed until he tasted blood in his throat, until his head pounded. When he couldn’t
scream any longer he’d sobbed silently, unable to even breathe through the pain. He’d
thought that day, it might kill him. He’d almost wished it would.

James remembered; he woke up every day swallowing down the edges of that pain. Trying to
live his life through it. He knew he’d changed, that the best and brightest parts of himself had
been dulled by Regulus. He knew some of it was Regulus’s fault, and some of it wasn’t.
James had been grasping at control of his mind before Regulus came along, but he certainly
didn’t have a firmer grip after.

James had always been on the edge. Teetering between the highest of highs and lowest of
lows. Regulus had always felt like the final nail in the coffin.

So, he didn’t know how to sit down and let himself feel anything else, how to accept that
Regulus was alive. Because as angry as he was, James knew when it fully sunk in he would
hate Regulus for it, and he didn’t want to. He never wanted to, but he would.
“Let’s do what we came here for,” James said finally, gesturing down the row.

Remus let his hands slip down to squeeze James’s shoulders. “Love you Prongs,” he said
softly.

“Love you too, Moony,” James grinned faintly. Remus let him go and they headed down the
row until they found the Gaunt’s records

They worked in silence each choosing some files and beginning to sort through them. It took
them a while, as the documents stretched over many, many years, ending finally with Morfin
Gaunt’s death certificate dated 1962.

Regulus had said the line had died, but it felt strange to see a family with a history stretching
so far back had just ended.

Remus pulled out Marvolo Gaunt’s death certificate, a birth record for Morfin, and later
arrest records for both men, but there wasn’t much on the last of the Gaunts.

“I don’t see how any of this will help,” James frowned.

Remus had a thoughtful look on his face and James could tell the gears in his brain were
turning. “I need to see the census,” he said pulling out a small notebook and a muggle pen to
quickly jot down some information from the Gaunt’s records.

“Did you find something?”

Remus didn’t answer starting off down the aisle and James quickly hurried after him.
The census room was huge and darker than the other area, but Remus didn’t pause in his step,
clearly a man on a mission. He headed right into the heart of the room easily finding the exact
location and year he was looking for. He flipped through the thick leather folders before
pulling out one and letting it fall open. “Here we are,” he muttered, “Gaunt…” He ran a
finger down the page, brow furrowed as he read.

James was struck by how efficient he was. He understood now, how Remus and Regulus had
managed to do something not even Dumbledore had. James didn’t think he would have even
considered looking through a census, hell, he didn’t think he’d ever paid a single thought to
the existence of the census before in his life. Remus was brilliant in the way his brain was
constantly spinning, he caught things other people didn’t.

“There,” Remus said suddenly straightening up. “I’d wondered!”

“What?” James asked in confusion, because while he knew he was fairly smart in his own
right, he wasn’t nearly as sharp as Remus, and he had no idea what was happening.

“I didn’t think Voldemort could have been Morfin’s son since the guy spent a majority of his
life in jail and Marvolo seemed too old… but I thought of it when I saw Regulus’s death
record, it said he was survived by his mother, there wasn’t a single mention of Sirius.
Pureblood families like that, they want to hide any point of shame, don’t they? I’d bet most
records of Sirius if not all have been wiped from the archive, the Blacks would have that kind
of power. If they could do it, why couldn’t someone else?” Remus pushed the census forward
pointing to a name “Merope Gaunt,” he said, a daughter. “There’s not even a birth record for
her, but she’s in the census, she was ten here, so she was probably born around 1907, it’d put
her around the right age range… and those arrest records, they were for attacking a muggle
the record named him as Riddle.”

“Riddle…” James repeated. “Wait, so you think this daughter Merope who was erased from
the Gaunt records is Voldemort’s mother?”

“Yes, and I think that muggle is his father.”

“Well shit,” James shook his head. “Remus you’re brilliant,”

Remus just shrugged. “We should report back to everyone.”

“This is good, right?” James asked. “I mean this will help?”

“Yes,” Remus said putting the folder away. “I think it will.”

--

The house was warm as they got home, James could smell the remnants of dinner in the air,
and Lily and Sirius were sat on the floor with Harry who was directing them in helping him
build a giant tower out of blocks. Regulus was in the corner, head tucked in his hand as he
read, his gaze intent on the pages.

“Okay, Harry,” Lily clapped. “It’s time to clean up and get ready for bed, James, Rem,” she
said turning to him, “there’s dinner under a warming charm for you, go eat.”

They obeyed as Harry began his petition to stay up longer and Lily quickly refused. The food
on the stove looked remarkably good, which James thought was very strange because both
Lily and Sirius were terrible cooks.

They took their bowls of pasta to the living room where Harry’s blocks had been mostly
cleaned up and Lily was surveying the space, hands on her hips. Sirius and Harry were
nowhere in sight and James figured Harry must have convinced Sirius to put him to bed, that
kid had them all wrapped around his finger.

“Did you cook this?”

It took Regulus a long moment to look up, initially, it didn’t seem he realized James was
talking to him. He blinked lowering his book, eyes falling to the pasta and then back up to
James’ face. “Yes,” he said finally.
“I didn’t know you could cook.”

“I’ve lived alone for the past few years,” he said slowly, “I had to learn.”

James just hummed, unsure as to why he was even making small talk with Regulus anyway,
they’d been mostly ignoring each other since their argument on the first day.

Lily it seemed, had decided the living room was clean enough and she grabbed her med kit
from the corner “Okay, Regulus, time to check your wounds.”

Regulus made an unhappy face, putting down his book. ”Fine," he muttered.

Lily ignored the scowl on his face, gesturing for him to take his shirt off. He did so while
glaring the whole time, but with no complaint.

He stood so Lily could unwrap the bandages around his torso and James was surprised to see
how much better his wounds looked, they’d closed somewhat and while it was clear they’d
leave a scar, they were no longer angry and gaping.

“Hm,” Lily nodded, “looking good, I reckon they’ll start to hurt less soon.”

“They’re fine,” Regulus said, to which Lily ignored.

She grabbed a paste from her kit and handed it to Regulus. “You can put this on yourself now
if you’d like. It’s healed enough that the process is less delicate. Might be better since I know
you don’t like to be touched.”

Regulus paused clearly surprised at her thoughtfulness. “Thank you,” he said after a long
second, accepting the paste and beginning to carefully cover his injuries with it.
“Was it scary?” Lily asked.

Regulus paused in his work looking up at her. “Was what?”

She gestured to his wounds. Regulus seemed to consider this for a moment before shaking his
head. “The scary part was that it was a Tuesday, I hate Tuesdays. Always swore I’d die on a
Sunday, but it always seems to almost happen on Tuesdays.”

“Well, you don’t really get to control when you die.” Lily pointed out.

“Well, at the time I decided I’d die on a Sunday, I was going to kill myself,” he said as if that
were a perfectly normal thing to say.

Remus who’d been up until that moment, silently going through their day’s findings while he
ate, sat up suddenly putting his bowl on the coffee table. “Regulus!”

“What?” he asked capping the salve and handing it back to Lily. “I said I was, there’s no need
to scold me, Remus.”

“What are you getting scolded for?” Sirius asked plopping down onto the couch, rubbing at
his eyes tiredly.

“Me killing myself,” Regulus said casually. “Or not when I actually tried to, but the general
notion I suppose.”

Sirius let his hand fall from his face blinking at his brother silently. “Right,” he nodded, “so a
cheery conversation.”

Remus opened his mouth and Regulus quickly cut him off. “I’m not going to kill myself now,
Remus, so you can save it.”
Frowning Remus shook his head glancing at Sirius and then back to Regulus. “That’s a
serious thing though, Reg,”

“You don’t grow up as a Black and never think about it,” Regulus shrugged.

“Too true,” Sirius agreed leaning forward to steal some pasta from James’s bowl, James let
him still shocked by the Black brother’s entire demeanor towards the conversation. “Uncle
Alphard killed himself.”

“He did,” Regulus agreed. “I remember Mother threw a dinner party to celebrate.”

“You know, your death certificate said you overdosed,” James said, and suddenly, the room
became very still.

“Well,” Regulus said quietly, his eyes darkening, “Mother at least did her research, it would
have been believable.”

That seemed to break whatever momentary strand of mutual agreement Sirius and Regulus
had just experienced and they fell silent as Lily cleared her throat and quickly set to work
rewrapping Regulus’s bandages.

“By the way, it’s really fucked up what you said, that no Black never considers it,” James
said suddenly. “That shouldn’t be the case.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “It is what it is. Sorry, your perfect childhood and mental state can’t
comprehend a person wanting to kill themselves.”

Lily’s hands stuttered in her work eyes glancing at James in alarm and then quickly away.
Because James? Perfect mental state? Now that was very, very far from the truth.
“You’re right, I did have a good childhood,” James said slowly. “I’m grateful for that, that
doesn’t mean what you said is normal.”

Regulus frowned, ignoring that James didn’t address the second part. “I never said it was
normal,” he mumbled.

It stung. Because in James’ mind, despite all his faults Regulus had always been the one
person that knew. He’d been one of the only people in school to see James cry, the only one
who wasn’t shocked by the sight. The only person who understood that beneath his smiles
and jokes, James Potter was a right fucking mess.

“And you know better,” James said after a moment, because he needed to say it, because he
needed to push Regulus. See him flinch.

He did. He tried to mask it but James saw, everyone saw and James tried not to feel satisfied.
Remus frowned glancing between the two of them. Regulus understood what James was
saying, he looked up as Lily finished wrapping his bandage stepping back. “If only I had.”

What right did Regulus have to say that? If he should have known better, as if James had
been the burden, as if James had been the one who’d needed potions wrenched from his
fingers. God, he was so fucking furious he didn’t know how to see through it. His vision felt
fuzzy, red at the edges. Something snapped.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” James said quietly, his voice harsh in its coldness. Sirius froze next
to him, and James knew everyone must have felt the sudden shift in the room. James stood.
“Don’t you dare talk about me like that. Don’t you dare act like you killing yourself is some
inconsequential little thing when I was the one who cleaned you up off the bathroom floor. I
was the one who helped you through withdrawal the first time you promised to stop those
fucking potions. I was the one who kept your ring safe because you told me you wouldn’t die
without it! Imagine how it felt to learn that you had anyway! Imagine how it fucking felt to
have that all turned on its head! And you know what I thought? Even when Sirius said he
thought Voldemort had killed you, that it’d been the Death Eaters. I thought you had fucking
killed yourself! So, do you want your ring back Regulus? Because you can have it! I don’t
give a shit whether you live or die anymore! At least I couldn’t hate you when you were
dead!”
“Do you wish that I was dead?”

“Yes!”

Oh.

There it was, that hatred. That deep burning resentment James hadn’t wanted.

It was inside him now, scorching through his blood. Rising up his throat, bitter and hot on his
tongue. James hadn’t wanted this, but it was here now. Regulus was here and James supposed
Remus had been right, it hadn’t hit James yet, not as of that morning.

Now it had. Regulus.

Regulus.

James’s Regulus. The one who could read a book in one sitting and then turn and give the
most detailed analysis he’d ever heard. Who twisted the rings on his fingers when he was
thinking, who was always quicker to simply watch than to speak. Regulus who had learned
how to cook in the past few years, who had freckles on his cheeks, who still flinched when
James hurt him. Who still looked at James like he was something special in the moments he
thought he wouldn’t be caught. Breathing, living Regulus fucking Black.

James was livid.

He saw the exact moment something shuttered off in Regulus’s eyes, the split second in
which the words made it through his defenses and Regulus snapped shut. And James knew
that was it, that was the end of James Potter and Regulus Black, more than that day in the
forest had been, more even than Regulus’s death. A line was crossed.

“I hate you,” James said quietly, in the raw quiet that followed.
“I didn’t hate you,” Regulus responded in a way that was clear to James what it meant,
Regulus hadn’t hated him, but James had fixed that.

There was nothing to say after that.

“Remus, you should tell them what we found today,” James said before spinning and heading
out the front door, letting it slam closed behind him. It didn’t make him feel better so James
just kept walking, further into the empty land outside. He wanted to break something, so he
did, kicking over a pile of crates and watching the wood splinter.

Then he just stood there, breathing heavily in the muggy summer air.

James felt stupid.

He pulled the chain around his neck until the clasp broke, stinging the back of his neck. He
held it in his hand, pulled his arm back to throw it, to toss the cruel reminder as far as he
could, and hope it was buried in the dirt never to be found again. He pulled his arm back
and… he didn’t throw it. Instead, James just stood there, clutching the ring so tightly he could
feel it biting into his palm.

“James…” Sirius sounded angry.

He didn’t turn. He was crying, he didn’t know when he’d started but he didn’t want Sirius to
see it.

James could tell when Sirius realized that James was crying because the anger was gone
suddenly with his next words. “I think I get it, why you wouldn’t tell me about him.”

Sirius was at his shoulder now and he didn’t try to get James to face him. Instead, Sirius
simply stood behind him, letting his head fall on James’s shoulder, grounding him in the
present.

“I mean, I still don’t think it was okay for you to keep it from me, but when I wanted you to
explain your relationship and you couldn’t…” Sirius continued. “Yeah, I get why you
couldn’t it’s… a lot. It’s messy James and I’ve never seen you hurting this much.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” James whispered and his voice cracked, he squeezed his eyes
shut tightly. “How to… how I was supposed to explain that your brother and I- we ruined
each other. He ruined me, Sirius.” James was sobbing now, his body shaking as he choked on
his last words.

Now Sirius turned James around, pulling him to his chest, his hands cradling James’s head. “I
know, I know, I’ve got you, Prongs,” he whispered, brushing James’s hair from his face was
shaking hands.

James cried like he was sixteen watching Regulus close his eyes as James walked away. Like
he was nineteen finding out Regulus was dead, like he could scream and claw the world to
bloody bits with his bare hands. James might have tried, his legs buckled, and Sirius went
down with him, holding him up, keeping him from lying down in the dirt. James was glad, he
was afraid that if he did he’d never get up. That they’d have to put his tombstone here instead
of with his parents because the earth would claim him and never let him go. James thought
for the first and only time, that he was glad his parents were dead, so they’d never have to see
him like this.

His tears never stopped. Eventually, Sirius pulled him up. His hands were gentle, wiping at
James’s face even useless as it was when tears kept coming. He held James wrapping his arm
around him, directing him towards the house one slow step at a time.

He remembered Sirius once voicing the fear that he couldn’t be soft or gentle with people,
that he’d break everything he touched. Oh, how very wrong he’d been. Sirius Black with his
strong hands, his gentle touches, perfect amazing Sirius Black. James loved him, James loved
him more than pretty much anything else in the whole fucking world.

James wanted to tell Sirius this but when he tried to speak he only began to sob harder once
again and Sirius shushed him tenderly, pausing their journey towards the house to tuck James
back into his chest and hold him tightly.
Once, James had convinced himself that if he were to show any weakness, any pain, that no
one would know how to handle it. After all, no one ever saw him cry, no one ever dealt with
it before. Somehow, James had been so very wrong. Remus hadn’t hesitated that first time in
sixth year, he’d just held onto James until he could breathe again. Sirius hadn’t hesitated
either, they’d both pulled James close and held his pieces in their fingers and neither had
flinched. Neither had pulled away in disgust or looked down on him with pity, they’d simply
been there with him.

There was nothing uglier than this, James was fuzzy, his vision blurry his breath coming out
in gasps. Sirius didn’t let him go. James was starting to realize that maybe, he never would.

--

It took a while to get James back into the house, but Sirius didn’t rush. He took it bit by bit,
one breath at a time. When they made it in the front door, he blocked the living room from
view holding James up as they headed up the stairs. He was still crying, his breath coming
out in quiet gasps and Sirius knew everyone must have seen that as they walked past, but he
hoped James didn’t realize that in the state he was in. He’d always been one to keep things so
close to his chest.

When they got to James’s bedroom Sirius didn’t turn the light on, he led James through in the
dark, slowly nudging him to sit on the bed. James just blinked into the empty darkness, face
wet with tears that Sirius could see glinting even in the darkness. He helped James out of his
shoes, pulling off his glasses and setting them on the bedside table before climbing into the
bed and pulling James down with him.

They curled up together, wrapped in each other like they were twelve again, trying to fight
off Sirius’s nightmares. James just cried, he sobbed and sobbed, his grief coming in waves,
wrenching itself through him, leaving him shaking.

“I- I’m so ashamed of who I’ve become,” James whispered his voice hoarse and choked.

“I’m not,” Sirius whispered, “I’m not, I’m not.” He held James even tighter like that could
convince him to change his mind.
Sirius didn’t think it worked.

James never stopped crying, even as he drifted off to sleep his cheeks were still wet, but he
whispered, the words barely louder than a breath. “I love you, Sirius.”

“I love you too.”

And that was enough.

Sirius was upset with James for everything with Regulus, he probably would be upset for a
long time, but fuck him, he forgave James. He forgave him because, at the end of the day,
James was his. Had been the first, the first person Sirius belonged to just as equally. If Remus
was written and Sirius’s bones, running through his blood, James was the other half of
Sirius’s soul.

He was hit suddenly, that despite everything, he was so fucking lucky. Because even though
Remus had broken his heart, they weren’t done, they would never be done and even if it took
ten or twenty years, eventually, they would figure out how to move forward. Sirius had that,
he had the love of his life who he’d have forever and he had James who he loved in a
different way but just as much. And not everyone got that chance, to have two people who
you loved so intensely that anything else paled in comparison.

That’s why it had hurt so badly. Not just because James had kept a secret, not just because
he’d shagged Sirius’s little brother, but because Sirius didn’t know how to swallow the idea
of James belonging to anyone else. At first, he’d convinced himself that it couldn’t have been
anything like that, James and Regulus. The more he’d learned, the more it became apparent.
In the same way, Sirius also belonged to Remus, James belonged to Regulus. Albeit in a
much crueler and more vicious way than even the worst parts of Sirius and Remus ever
belonged to each other, but similarly all the same. Sirius didn’t know how to come to terms
with this, but honestly, he didn’t think James knew how to either. Regardless, James was
Sirius’s. He stayed a long time, watching James sleep, just knowing that James was his, and
would always be his.
When finally, he disentangled himself from his best friend, he noticed James’s hand was
clenched tightly. Carefully, as not to wake him, Sirius unfurled his fingers pulling an object
from James’s grasp which had left bloody indents on his palm.

Holding it up, he realized it was a ring, one that until recently Sirius had never noticed. It was
Regulus’s Sirius knew because he’d had it since he was a child, the glinting jewel in the
middle modeled after his star. Sirius had never cared for his, he had no idea where it was, in
fact, he couldn’t remember wearing it after second year. But Regulus had cherished his,
always worn it no matter what. Sirius thought it was funny because if he’d spent any time
with Regulus during their later years in school, he would have noticed the ring was missing.
Maybe he would have asked, figured out where it’d gone, known about his brother and James
years ago, but he hadn’t.

As Sirius raised the ring to the dim light he caught sight of something engraved on the inside
of the band, holding it closer he strained to read the words.

What-if.

Sirius didn’t know what that meant, why it was important enough, and when or how it’d even
wound up on the ring when it certainly hadn’t always been there. He wondered if James
knew, he must have. Did he put it there, or did Regulus? Sirius wanted to march it downstairs
to his brother and demand answers, but while James had taken the necklace off, he hadn’t let
it go and for something he’d worn every day for years, Sirius figured that was important.
James needed to be the one to part with it. So, Sirius swallowed his questions and left the ring
on James’ bedside table alongside his glasses. With one last look at his sleeping friend, Sirius
shut the bedroom door.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he came downstairs, but it certainly wasn’t for
everyone to be in the exact same positions he’d left them in earlier in the night. Lily was on
the floor in front of the fireplace, watching the fire— which was entirely unneeded
considering the season, dance in the grate. Remus was on the couch knees pulled to his chest,
notebook still in his hand. Regulus sat in the same chair; his book was open but the way he
was staring blankly at the page told Sirius that he wasn’t reading at all. They looked up as he
came in and Sirius just stood there.

Remus was the first to speak. “Everything okay?” he asked quietly.

Sirius shook his head, and then everything was crumbling around him.

He hadn’t cried, not when James was, he’d been steady and strong because James needed him
to be. Now he did, quickly raising a hand to hide his face. Remus, of course, was up in an
instant, hand on Sirius’s wrist. His first touch was hesitant no doubt unsure if Sirius would
accept comfort from him, but when he didn’t pull away Remus stepped closer, and Sirius
followed what every instinct in him was screaming for. There were a lot of things Sirius
didn’t feel he could trust Remus with anymore, but this wasn’t one of them. Even after
everything, god, Remus would always be home, always be safe, a comfort.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered.

Remus stepped backward tugging Sirius gently and he followed, reminded so painfully of
himself leading James through the house earlier. He felt himself being lowered onto the
couch, one of Remus’s hands on his shoulder the other reaching up to cup Sirius’s face.

“Hey, love,” Remus whispered.

Sirius sniffled as he was forced to look Remus in the eye, that hurt. Fuck.

“Do you remember what I said?” he asked, his voice choked

“When?”

“Last year, we talked about James. You told me about the time you found hin crying at the
end of sixth year. And I-I said I never wanted him to hurt. God, I wanted to keep any pain
from him, he- he’s not like us Moony! He wasn’t like us…”

“I know. But that’s never been in your power, Pads. You couldn’t do that,” Remus whispered,
brushing a tear from Sirius's face. “Everyone hurts, all you can do is be there for the people
you love when they do.”

Sirius let his head fall forward onto Remus’s shoulder, taking in a deep shuddering breath.
“I’m trying.”

“Then that’s all the matters.”

“I love you,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s shirt, even though it hurt his pride, he needed to
say it.

“I love you too, Pads,” Remus said, and the truth was, Sirius, did believe it. He knew that
Remus loved him, realistically, that was not arguable. What he really didn’t know was
whether Remus loved him enough. But, this time, he let it slide, because he needed just one
moment of peace with Remus’s hands on him and his familiar smell. He needed that little
piece of warmth only Moony could give him.

He didn’t pull away until his tears had dried, Moony let him go, and Sirius only stopped for a
moment to kiss Remus on the cheek before sitting back and rubbing at his face. He stood,
eyes falling on Regulus who was looking at him. Their eyes met and it felt like the first time
in a decade that Sirius had really looked at his brother. Because that’s who was sitting in front
of him at that moment, not some villain of Sirius’s story, not the Regulus Black Sirius had
come to think of when he thought of his brother, but instead a young man. One whose eyes
were wide and whose hands, despite being tucked in his lap, Sirius could see were shaking.
At that moment Sirius saw a flash of his baby brother, the boy he’d singlehandedly raised.

“Are you okay?” Sirius was just as surprised by the words that came out as Regulus and they
both sat there in a moment of startled silence.

“Me?” Regulus asked quietly, confusion written in the lines of his face.

“Um-“ Sirius coughed self-consciously, “yes? What James said to you… I- I don’t think it
was right regardless of what he was feeling.”
“You don’t?”

“No, I uh... don’t entirely hate it, you not being dead.”

“You don’t?" Regulus repeated, but this time it seemed almost more to himself, his voice was
so quiet.

“No,” Sirius said anyway, “but I just… well it was clear that he really hurt you with what he
said so…” Sirius shrugged trailing off.

“He didn’t,” Regulus said quickly but it was so clearly a lie, Sirius didn’t even bother to call
him out on it.

“Okay,” Sirius said, “but I just figured… well, James said you ruined each other so if he’s
hurting that much, then you must be as well. And yeah, James is my person you know, and
I’m always going to be there for him, I love him to death. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us
are on sides in this. You deserve comfort too.”

“No,” Regulus said quickly and that hadn’t been what Sirius expected. “I- I was already
ruined, okay? I was destined to go somewhere bad; he wasn’t. So, I get it, he wishes I was
dead, and sometimes I'd wish that too. And yes, I think he’s terribly cruel for so saying so,
but I’m not surprised. So, you don’t need to pretend there aren’t sides. I’m under no delusions
over the fact that you all belonged to James first.” And there it was again, that word belong.

“No, no Regulus I belonged to you first.”

Out of everything that had happened that night, that was the thing to finally render Regulus
Black speechless. The thought was sharp as it swung through his brain, how could Regulus
be so shocked? Of course, it’d been him, Regulus was the first person Sirius had ever loved.

“I- I raised you,” Sirius said feeling the need to beat the shock off of his brother’s face. “I
spent literally all of my time with you for ten years, I taught you how to ride a broom and tie
 your shoes, I taught you how to write your fucking name for merlin’s sake, don’t look so
surprised! Of course, it was you, who else would it have been?”

“I don’t know, anyone else? You moved on from me pretty quickly.”

“I was a child!” Sirius insisted. “I was an eleven-year-old who had spent ten years of my life
raising another child, I was only a year older than you. Yes, when I got to Hogwarts I didn’t
want to be your parent anymore, I don’t think you get to blame me for that. And if you’re
talking about when I ran away then you absolutely have no right because if I had stayed, they
would have killed me. You have to know that!”

“I do! I don’t blame you for leaving I blame you for taking the only chance! Maybe that’s
insane and selfish because it’s not like I would have taken that chance from you anyway, but
still, you got to leave, and I didn’t.”

“I offered. You could have come.”

“I couldn’t have, do you really think our parents would have let both of us go? Me? They’d
given up on you, they didn’t want you as the heir anymore, you’d caused too much trouble.
But me? They needed me and despite their fury at you getting away, really the outcome was
better.

Sirius knew somewhere deep down, that Regulus was right, but he also wasn’t ready to
forgive anything, on top of that, however, he also didn’t want to fight. “Let’s just… let it go
for now.” Sirius mumbled. “It’s been a really long fucking day.”

Regulus hesitated for a second before nodding wordlessly. Sirius collapsed back on the couch
joining Lily in watching the fire, and so for the first time in many, many years, the Black
brothers didn’t fight.

Chapter End Notes

I actually hit over 100k words the other day so I'm expecting the final word count to be
close to 150k or so. I'm starting to creep closer to finishing up writing this, I'll be a little
sad when I'm done though :(( I just started writing the last big arc of the story and it's
bittersweet.

IMPORTANT!! I've updated the tags and also included a new list of triggers in this fic at
the start of the first chapter. Please be sure you check those out and that you're
comfortable continuing to read as we get semi-heavily into themes of drug abuse and
mental illness.

Next update will be next Friday as usual :))

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Regulus dreamed of sunlight. It was a rare change of pace from the usual flashes of drowning
and sharp hands ripping his skin. He looked, searching for a cruel smile or a sharp hand, but
there was nothing. Only the sunlight sweeping across the stone floor, warm beneath his
fingers as he pressed his palm to it.

“That was impressive.”

Regulus looked up, laying down on his back to watch the figure leaning over him. The floor
beneath him was hard, the room smelled familiar, like Hogwarts. Like the edges of peace
brushing through his hands.

“It was just a game.”

“Yes, a game where you were incredible. I swear I’ve never seen anyone fly that fast.”

Regulus smiled in spite of himself, and James beamed, clearly proud. He collapsed on the
floor beside Regulus, turning his head. Rolling onto his side, Regulus positioned himself so
they were eye-to-eye, noses almost touching, breath kissing each other’s face. James’ eyes
flicked down to Regulus's lips and then back up. They were still new to this, touching each
other. Regulus found that despite his hatred of being touched, he quite liked when James did
it. However, James was hesitant to cross any boundaries and Regulus didn’t know how to
initiate anything.

James had been the one to make the first move. Regulus didn’t think the other boy had even
known what he was doing until it happened. Their first kiss had been chaste, just a quick
press of James's lips to his. When he’d pulled away they’d both just stood there in shock.
“Do you like boys?” Regulus had asked. His heart was beating so loudly in his chest, he’d
worried he wouldn’t hear James’s response.

James had considered this for a moment before shrugging. “Never really thought about it
before. I like you though, so I guess I must.” Regulus thought that to be a little absurd. When
Regulus had come to his own sexuality revelation, he’d had a panic attack. James had just
smiled. “Do you like me?”

Regulus had shaken his head, but when James leaned in Regulus felt himself drawn closer by
some heavy force. “No,” he’d whispered breathlessly.

“So, you don’t want me to kiss you again?”

Regulus had wanted to say no, he hadn’t. It’d taken him a long moment to swallow down his
pride, but eventually, he did, nodding ever so slightly. James had kissed him again.

Now, laying on the ground, sunlight warming their skin, Regulus watched James’s eyelashes
flutter on his cheeks. He took in the way the sun painted James’s dark eyes a warm brown
and how his messy hair fell into his face. Regulus thought if he could bottle this moment and
keep it forever, he would. That was when he realized he was probably falling in love with
James Potter. Regulus thought he should be too young for that, isn’t that what people always
said? But what else could that feeling blooming in his chest be? What else could explain the
way Regulus wanted to grab James and keep him close to his chest forever? To claim him as
Regulus’s and no one else’s.

“What are you thinking about?” James whispered.

“I want to keep you,” Regulus whispered back like it was a dark secret, something he
shouldn’t speak aloud.

“Then do.”
“I’m afraid.”

“That’s okay, my mum always says fear makes you human.”

“This,” Regulus waved a hand between them, “it’s a lot, James. I just- I’ve never. I feel so
much.”

“I think I could argue that that makes you human as well, nothing wrong with that either. I
feel a lot too. Like it’s going to rip right through my chest.”

“Yes,” Regulus agreed, and James was looking at him so earnestly that he couldn’t stop
himself from surging forward to kiss him hard.

James let out a muffled sound of surprise, Regulus had never kissed him first. He recovered
quickly, pulling Regulus down on top of him, smiling into his lips. When they finally broke
apart, neither went far, foreheads pressed together as they breathed heavily. “I knew you liked
me,” James mumbled with a soft grin.

“I hate you,” Regulus insisted but he leaned down to kiss James again and they both knew it
wasn’t true.

“I hate you,” James’s jaw was sharper his eyes darker, blazing with something Regulus had
grown closer and closer to familiarity with. His voice was quiet, but it hurt just as much as if
he’d yelled. As if he’d raised a hand to Regulus and struck him. Just as Regulus had long
been taught that people who loved you were prone to do.

“I didn’t hate you,” Regulus had said, because he could never exactly lie to James. It was an
admission, maybe the closest Regulus would ever come to saying I love you. He wondered if
James caught it in his state of rage. Because every time James was soft or vulnerable with
him, the few times James had said ‘I love you’ Regulus had responded with ‘I hate you’. I
hate you, I hate you, I hate you. It’d never been true. He’d always meant the opposite.
Regulus knew at that moment, that he’d been put onto this world to be thoroughly and cruelly
fucked over at every turn. Because really? Regulus still couldn’t hate James? Even now, even
as he said the worst things he could have? It was fucked. It wasn’t fair, it was so easy for
James. Why couldn’t Regulus feel the same?

He couldn’t let him in again. Regulus had felt it. The last thread between them snapped, and
Regulus stepped back, but he still didn’t hate James Potter.

“It’d never be you, even if you were the last one standing.”

The sunlight was gone, and the ground was cold under his bare feet. He was freezing, his
breath coming out in puffs. Regulus could hear the drip of water echoing off the stones, a
basin stood in the middle of the small rocky island.

“What?” Regulus whispered into the empty cave, there was no one there, but he could hear
the whisper at his shoulder, raising goosebumps at the back of his neck.

“Do you want to be the last one standing Regulus? To see the world charred at your feet and
know it is only you, alone in the cold ashes of the earth.”

“No,” Regulus whispered voice hoarse. “No.”

“You put this in motion, you did this. Everything that happens to you, everything that
happens to the people you love, it will be your fault. You brought them into this.”

“No, no. I won’t let that happen.”

“Haven’t you already?” The chilling voice was full of cold mirth and Regulus shook his
head, panic bubbling up in his throat.
“Don’t do this!”

“I haven’t done anything, that was all you little Black.”

Regulus spun, he’d been so sure the voice was behind him but as he turned, he was met with
an army of inferi, the rotting water-bloated corpses simply standing there, still, watching him
with accusing eyes.

Regulus stumbled back in shock as he recognized a star ring around one of the corpse’s
throat. His eyes flicking to another whose shriveled arm was covered in Sirius’s tattoos.

“You did this,” An inferi spoke. It had Remus’s voice, but cold, cruel in a way Remus Lupin
never was.

Lily Evans, grinned, her red hair dull and matted, when she smiled it wasn’t kind, her teeth
were rotted, her lips grey.

“No, no, no,” Regulus said frantically taking another step back and stumbling over a large
rock. He hit the ground hard, unable to do anything but watch, paralyzed by fear as the
monsters advanced.

“Don’t be scared Regulus,” James’s corpse grinned. “Fear makes you human, you wouldn’t
want that.”

Their hands were on him now, pulling him into the icy water, it filled his lungs, Regulus tried
to fight, but he couldn’t.

--

Remus woke to a bone-chilling scream. He jumped up from the couch wand in his hand, Lily
and Sirius who’d fallen asleep in the living room quickly woke too, sleep melting away in an
instant.

He ran up the stairs, following the sound and throwing the door to the guest room open.
There were no Death Eaters, nothing to fight and Remus dropped his wand climbing into
Regulus’s bed, trying to gently shake him awake.

“Regulus, Regulus, wake up, kid. It’s just a dream, wake up.”

Regulus seemed to shake from his dream with a start, a choked sob ripped from his throat.

He gasped hands shaking as he blinked disoriented, hands gripping at Remus’s arms as he

shook.

“It was a dream, Reg, it was a dream.”

“No, no, no,” he whispered, eyes looking around the room wildly.

Lily and Sirius were standing in the doorway looking at a loss. The commotion seemed to
have woken James as well and he was standing behind them, he wasn’t wearing his glasses
and he seemed to have no idea what was going on. He stepped forward and Sirius put an arm
on his shoulder, keeping him back and Remus was grateful, James probably wasn’t the
person Regulus should see right now.

“It was a nightmare,” Remus repeated calmly, spending so much time with Regulus he’d seen
more than a few nightmares from the other man, and he’d learned quickly the best way to
shake him out of it was to present the facts calmly and clearly. “You’re in Lily and James’
guest bedroom, it’s Remus, I’m here with you.”

Regulus blinked his gaze becoming less crazed as he looked to Remus and things seemed to
come into focus.
“It wasn’t a dream,” he said, his voice a little louder. “It was real.”

“You were asleep Reg.”

“I know, I know, but it happened. I remember I was fourteen it was so warm, that was real. It
was real.”

“Okay, so it was a memory? That can happen in dreams, you still weren’t really there.”

“I was there it felt so real and then I was back in the cave.” His eyes widened and he pushed
away from Remus on the bed. “You were dead.”

“I’m not dead.” Carefully, Remus reached out his hand, giving Regulus more than enough
time to pull away, when he didn’t Remus placed Regulus’s hand over his heart so the younger
man could feel his heart beating. “Feel that?”

“Yes,” Regulus mumbled.

“I’m alive, it was a dream.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again,” Regulus whispered. "That was the last time. The sun
was so bright, we just laid there, and I thought that maybe I could just feel, that it’d be alright
if I did.”

Remus didn’t know what Regulus had dreamed of. He didn’t e understand what he was
talking about, but he held Regulus’s hand tightly, hoping he could convey that he was here,
he was listening.

“Do you want me to stay in here tonight?”

Regulus took a long moment before he nodded, the movement small and unsure. Sirius—who
thank the lord, found that moment to have some tact—shut the bedroom door quietly. He
heard a muffled whisper of conversation, but Regulus didn’t seem to notice. He lay back
down and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. Remus didn’t know what it was that had made this
nightmare so much worse. Was it James's words earlier that night or his conversation with
Sirius, which had to be mentally draining? Or maybe it was the trauma of everything that had
happened to them, finally catching Regulus off guard. Now that Remus considered it, it was
probably a mix of all of those. His chest hurt with how much Regulus had been through. No
one had ever really offered him even an ounce of empathy. In the beginning, Remus hadn’t
believed Regulus deserved it. Now, after everything, Remus had long decided he’d been
wrong. Remus wouldn’t forget who Regulus had been in the past, but he refused to discount
the person he was now.

Eventually, Regulus’s breathing evened out and Remus closed his eyes, just lying beside him.
Somehow through all of this, they’d become hopelessly intertwined, Remus could no longer
imagine his life without Regulus Black and he wasn’t exactly sure how that had happened.

--

James felt like he was floating.

He didn’t know what was happening, only that Sirius was pushing him back into his room.
He could hear Sirius speaking but the words didn’t make it through the fuzziness in his head.

“…get to sleep, Remus will take care of Reg.”

James blinked, frowning as the world around him became a little sharper, in focus. He hadn’t
heard Sirius call Regulus that since maybe second year.

Sirius turned from James’s bedroom door which he’d just shut and paused, seeming to realize
James had come back to himself. “Prongs?”

“It was real?”

“What?”

“The sunlight, his dream. It was real. I remember.”

Sirius lingered simply looking at James for a long moment before he shook his head,
frowning. He crawled onto James’s bed, ignoring the cot that had been set up for him in the
corner. James followed his lead, lying down on the other side. He wasn’t sure if Sirius was
mad at him, and he didn’t move any closer than to lie beside him.

Quickly remedying that, Sirius pulled the blankets up around them and scooted closer. Noting
the invitation, James let his head fall onto his friend’s shoulder. Sirius wrapped an arm
around James. They simply lay like that for a while, looking up at the ceiling. The was night
silent except for their quiet breaths.

“I said earlier that I got why you couldn’t explain it,” Sirius said suddenly breaking the
silence and pulling James from the incoming lull of sleep. “But I’ve been thinking about it,
and I really need you to try, James. I don’t know if that’s asking too much from you, but I
talked to you and then I talked to Regulus. I saw it all. I need to hear from you. I just need
you to please try?”

“I can try,” James whispered taking a deep breath.

“Just… just tell me about it, I’m not expecting any huge revelations from you, James, but
you’ve kept him a secret for so long so, tell me. Don’t keep it any longer, you don’t need to
anymore.” James could feel the soft vibrations of Sirius’s voice from where his head was
resting. A year ago, the request would have sent him into a panic, now James just began to
speak, his voice low.

“It was true what I first told you. I caught him flying on the pitch one night, he fell, and I
helped him. After that, I just kept coming back I guess. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t think about
it, it just sort of happened. We started spending a lot of time together. I didn’t even realize I
liked boys until one night I wanted to kiss him, and so I did. I didn’t think twice, I just did
it… if I’d known, I don’t know if I would have. But I- I just didn’t know… I had no idea.”
“But you had to understand, either way, that was my brother, James.”

“Yes,” James let his eyes fall shut, taking a heavy breath. “I did. I was going to tell you, at
first when I was just friends with him. Then, it became something else so quickly, and at the
time, I didn’t know if you’d be okay with it… not just the part where he was your brother but
the boy part as well. You hadn’t come out to me yet, so I had no idea what your feelings
would be. I was scared of losing my friends, of people looking at me differently. So, I didn’t
tell you, not that I’m trying to make excuses…” James shrugged. “But I do want you to
understand why I didn’t then.”

Sirius was quiet for a moment, fingers twisting around a thread on his sleeve. “Okay,” he said
after a tense pause. “So what happened after that?”

“Everything,” James said his voice small. “It went bad very quickly. I had this idea in my
head that Regulus would want to leave your parents as well, that he would be willing to turn
his back. I convinced myself that he was misunderstood. I was wrong. Regulus wouldn’t
leave, he wouldn’t stop hanging around his awful friends or stop them from bullying and
hurting people. I probably should have turned my back as soon as I realized that, but it was
too late. I’d already seen Regulus the human, the boy who liked to read muggle stories and
practiced quidditch late. Who was never quick to smile but lit up the room when he did. I’d
fallen in love with that person, and I knew despite his actions that he had the ability to be
good. But he didn’t try to be. The first year was tricky, but I think we were so caught up in
each other we tried to ignore the differences between us.”

“James… how long were you together exactly?”

“About two years,”

Sirius turned. “Two years,” he repeated, pulling back to look at James in disbelief. “I didn’t
realize… I mean- that’s a pretty long time I mean, especially as teenagers.”

“It was,” James whispered.

When he didn’t elaborate any further, Sirius nudged him gently. “So you said that was the
first year, what happened the second then?”

“That’s when it got… awful. Your parents wanted him to take the dark mark. I hadn’t realized
before then just how deep in he was. I thought at first, that would be the push Regulus needed
to finally leave, but still, he wouldn’t. We fought, constantly. Even when we didn’t it was
there, lurking in every moment we spent together. I realized pretty quickly that whatever
hopes I’d had before about us working out were delusions. That there wasn’t a single chance
we’d have any future together, so we spent that year in an endless cycle of hurting each other
but being unable to let it go. I- I should have known when to call it quits, I never should have
let it get that far but it was just… I loved him so much, so much I didn’t realize it was
possible. I didn’t like who I became with him, Pads. He broke my heart every day. I watched
him fall to pieces, and I hurt him too. Today… that—” James broke off burning with shame
over the things he'd said. “That was definitely one of my worsts, but it was nothing new. Not
really.” James whispered. It was his most shameful, dirty secret, that in his heart he was not
good. “He’d asked me once before if I wished he was dead, I didn’t say yes. I said I wished
he was gone though, maybe that was just as bad. That’s just how it was, we just hurt and
hurt.”

“You said you couldn’t let it go because you loved him… do you still?”

James couldn’t answer that, didn’t even know how to begin. “I don’t know.”

He thought Sirius would push, that he wouldn’t be satisfied with the answer. But maybe he’d
been truthful when he said he thought he understood because Sirius didn’t say anything more
about it.

“I don’t want you to talk to him like that again,” Sirius said quietly, and James caught a hint
of protectiveness in his voice. It was strange to James, who hadn’t seen Sirius act like that
towards Regulus in a very long time.

“Neither do I,” James told Sirius and that was enough to settle some understanding between
them.

They didn’t speak again, and James wanted to tell Sirius that he loved him, but he didn’t
think there were words large enough to express just how much. So instead, James closed his
eyes, leaning into his best friend, his person, and let sleep claim him.

--

“I wonder if the Gaunt house is still standing…” Lily said resting her head in her hands

Remus spun. “I got the location,” he said slowly, looking at Lily with wide eyes. “Maybe we
should go find out.”

“Today?”

“Don’t have any other plans, do we?” Remus said shrugging. “It’s worth a look."

“I’m going,” Lily said quickly, she could not sit in this damned house any longer. Living with
so many men was hell at times.

“Okay—” Remus began but Regulus cut him off.

“So will I.”

Remus’s lips turned downward in a frown as his eyes flicked over Regulus’s face. “Reg…
you’re still injured—”

“I’m fine, and Lily will be there.”

Remus looked to Lily in a question, and she nodded. “I mean, he’s healed quite nicely. He’d
need to be careful not to reopen the wounds, but popping down to check out the area
shouldn’t do any harm.”
“Yes, but you never know what could happen,” Remus protested.

Lily put her hands up in surrender, not wanting to get in the middle of their argument and
Regulus scowled at his friend.

“I’m going,” he said stubbornly.

“It’s not safe!”

“I don’t need you to protect me, I’ll never be safe and none of us will be until the war is over.
What next? Do you want to lock me up and refuse to let me out until you deem it ‘safe’
enough?”

“Oh, don’t you spout fallacies at me. I don’t want you going, Reg, I’ll do it.”

“No, you won’t, the full moon is soon.”

“In a few days—”

“It’s soon,” Regulus repeated, “and I can see you’re in pain right now. I don’t need you to go,
I survived many years before you came along Remus.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt.”

The scowl faded from Regulus’s face. “It wasn’t your fault what happened when I was
injured…” he said slowly, his voice softer “Look Remus, I need to get out of here for a while,
the diary is… it’s getting in my head, okay? So I need to go and I need you to let me.”
“In your head? Like the locket?”

“It’s the only other Horcrux we’ve spent much with,” Regulus told him. “It’s just getting to
me a little, that’s all. We’ll have to destroy it soon.”

“Getting to you how? Like just the feeling or…”

“Worse dreams, I feel shaky… I don’t know, anxious. I just need some space from the damn
thing, that’s all, Remus.”

“Anxious,” Remus repeated, looking at Regulus in a way that told Lily she was missing
something.

“Normal anxious,” Regulus amended, and Lily looked between the two, trying to decipher
the silent conversation that seemed to take between them after Regulus’s words.

They were locked in a silent stare-off for an awkward minute before Remus looked away
sighing. “Fine,” he agreed, “but don’t be stupid. Listen to Lily.”

“I’m not a child, Remus.”

“Then stop glaring at me like one.” Remus turned to Lily. “Lils, can you check his wound
before you leave?”

“She checked this morning!” Regulus protested.

“I’ll check again,” She said holding a hand up before Regulus could argue “Come on
Regulus, you won.” She raised an eyebrow. “It’s so rare a person wins an argument with
Remus. Just let me double check and we’re free.”
Regulus crossed his arms turning to her with a calculating look “I don’t like how rational you
are,” he huffed but stood, stomping off to the living room where her med kit lived.

Lily just laughed as she stood to follow after him. “Funny boy that one,” She remarked to
Remus.

“A fucking handful,” Remus grumbled unhappily, but she knew the distaste on his face
wasn’t real, not after everything she’d seen him do for Regulus.

Little Hangleton, Northern England

1983

In northern England, tasting the summer heat on his tongue Regulus came to the conclusion
that despite his best attempts, he really did like Lily Evans. He hadn’t wanted to.

For a long time, the only thing he knew of her was that James had spent years with a massive
crush. Regulus had been terribly jealous when they became friendly sometime during James’s
sixth year. But Lily Evans was of course, so much more than James’s crush, girlfriend, or ex-
girlfriend. She’d had no reason to help him or even treat Regulus with an ounce of kindness,
but she’d not only saved his life but been friendly and warm. She was smart and sharp. She
looked at the world with the strangest form of rationality and optimism. Regulus didn’t
understand how she could still have hope for the world without being delusional, yet
somehow she did.

Now she looked over at Regulus and grinned to herself and he raised an eyebrow.

“What?”
“Nothing, I just think we should call our club meeting to order.”

“Club?”

“Yes,” she giggled, “the James Potter’s Exes Club.”

Regulus didn’t expect the laugh her words pulled out of him and he ducked his head trying to
stifle it. “Merlin,” he shook his head.

“All we need now is that Lacey girl he dated for a week in fourth year, then we’ll be set.”

“She doesn’t deserve to be here,” Regulus told Lily. “She only had to deal with him for a
week.”

“Too true,” Lily agreed. “She’ll never understand the woes of James Potter.”

With the warmth of the sun setting Lily’s bright hair on fire and the chirping of birds in the
distance, the darkness that’d consumed him the night before felt far away. Truly, it seemed
the diary had been affecting him.

They hadn’t wanted to apparate too close, so they had a bit of a distance to walk and they’d
set down the path at a casual pace. Lily kicked a rock in front of them her expression
suddenly becoming serious. “Um, look you can shut me down if you don’t want to talk about
it… but about last night..."

Regulus crossed his arms, feeling a sudden chill on the back of his neck despite the warm
weather. “Which part?” he asked dryly, trying not to sound too cold. Lily wasn’t trying to
attack him.

“Well, all of it. But I was thinking mostly about what James said. I know you told Sirius you
were okay but if you’re not… that’s allowed. In fact, I’d be more worried if you were totally
fine.”

“I am fine,” Regulus said quickly. “As much as one ever is these days.”

“Okay, you just seemed off.”

“It wasn’t James, I mean, it was… but,” he sighed, “it’s difficult to explain. It- I wasn’t
exactly surprised to hear something like that from him. In fact, I’ve been waiting for it. I
knew that all of this, me being alive hadn’t hit him yet, and when it did he’d blow up. I’m just
glad to get it over with, close that door for good.”

“And that was that door closing?”

“Closed, locked, key tossed in the bottom of the ocean.” Regulus shrugged as if it could
disguise the tremor in his voice. “It’s better that way.”

“He told me once that you were the love of his life.”

Regulus stopped in his tracks. “Maybe,” he said after only a second. “But it hardly matters if
I’m the love of his life. That hasn’t, and will never give us space to exist.”

She looked at him sadly. “I understand, I just think you should remember that.”

“Why would you want me to?” Regulus shook his head. “Even if you broke up, he was your
boyfriend, you have a child together… I don’t understand why you’ve been so kind to me.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Regulus, you have done nothing to me. So far, you’ve proven to be
nothing but willing to try. You’ve been doing the right thing. Why shouldn’t I give you the
benefit of the doubt?”
“Have I done nothing to you?” Regulus asked, because he didn’t think that could be true.
Even if he’d never hurt her directly, he’d hurt the people she loved. He'd burrowed so deep
into James’ heart that he’d been changed, ruined.

“Yes, you’re not responsible for James’ actions, you didn’t take him from me. You didn’t
force him to lie all these years and I have no idea what exactly happened between you, but
that was before James and I were together. As for your relationship with Sirius… I don’t
know what happened there either and frankly, it’s not my business. I didn’t know you. I’ve
given you the chance to prove yourself and so far, you haven’t given me a reason not to be
kind to you. Plus, you won Remus over, and I trust his judgment.”

Regulus didn’t know how to respond to that and rather than trying, he decided to simply keep
walking. Lily quickly continued as well, and they fell into step alongside each other.

“While we’re having a heart-to-heart, can I ask you something?”

Regulus looked at her suspiciously. “You can ask, not sure I’ll answer.”

“Fair,” Lily nodded clasping her hands together. “It’s about Dorcas… she was your friend?”

Dorcas… Regulus had avoided thinking about her for a very long time “She was once,”

“You fell out, before she died, right?”

“Yes, she was done waiting for me to make the right decision, I ran out of chances I guess.”

“What do you think she’d think of you now?”

“I think she’d say it’s about fucking time. I- Lily, I can’t stress this enough, you said you
could see I’m trying, but I haven’t always. Dorcas would never want me to let who I’ve
become erase who I was. I drove her away and she died knowing it was the people I worked
with who killed the love of her life.”

“Marlene,” Lily said softly. “She was mine along with Mary, it was the three of us. I didn’t
know Dorcas as well until later when she and Marlene started dancing around each other. I
love James, Sirius, and Remus. I love them to death, but Dorcas, Mary, Marlene they were to
me what those three are to each other.”

“Are… are they all dead?” Regulus asked softly.

“Not Mary,” Lily shrugged her eyes downcast. “I think she went to America or something, I
don’t know exactly. She wanted to leave, so I let her go. She’s better off there anyway, away
from the war.”

“She sounds important to you.”

Lily looked up with a sad smile. “She was everything to me.”

“Would you find her again? If all of this was over.”

“I’d like to I would if I make it through, but if she were happier… well, I wouldn’t disrupt
her new life. What about you, would you find Pandora?”

“No,” Regulus said with zero hesitation. “Never. She has a daughter I hear… I wouldn’t go
anywhere near them.”

“She was one of yours?”

Regulus knew what Lily meant, his own Mary or Marlene. “She was. Barty and Evan as well,
but they weren’t like your friends, they weren’t like Pandora. They were… cruel. Being a
Death Eater, joining the Dark Lord, I was born into it. I saw it as an inescapable evil,
something I was stuck in. They reveled in it. But… even most of the worst people aren’t
malevolent all the time or to everyone. They were my friends, and they cared for me, but they
were bad people. They did bad things and for a very long time, I let them.”

“Are they still Death Eaters?”

“Barty is, Evan’s dead.” Regulus didn’t mention that it was his fault.

“Right, I remember hearing that, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, he probably deserved it.”

Regulus was saved from hearing whatever Lily may have said. Because through a thick wall
of bramble, Regulus spotted a barely visible path. He gestured to it wordlessly, and Lily
raised an eyebrow. They set forward in agreement, wands aloft as they cut through the rough
overgrowth. Then finally, they stumbled out to see a long-abandoned house. The roof was
crumbling, and nature had begun to reclaim the ruins.

Lily began to step forward, but Regulus grabbed her arm. “There are enchantments,” he
warned.

Lily studied the old shack, her eyes narrowed, no doubt searching for the telltale shimmer of
wards. “How do you know?”

“Can just feel it,” Regulus shrugged.

“Feel it?”

“Yes, you know, that hum of magic.”

She looked confused. “I know what you mean. I’ve felt it around incredibly powerful magic
before… but I don’t feel anything now.”

Regulus decided now wasn’t the time to examine that. Instead, he held up his wand, letting
the magic in front of him reveal itself. He could see it in his mind, the shape of the spell, the
gaps, and weaknesses in the threads of it. The enchantment was incredibly well done,
probably by Voldemort himself. However, in the years since he’d first stepped into that cave,
all he had done was study and hunt these Horcruxes. And as Regulus was beginning to see,
the Dark Lord was fatally predictable. Everything from his pursuit of immortality to the way
he did it. He’d used four items belonging to Hogwarts founders, at least two others that had
sentimental value. Both the diary and cup had been given to his followers to hide away. The
locket had a set of protections, different levels designed to keep people out. Regulus was
willing to wager his life that this shack was very much the same. In fact, as he began to
dismantle the spell designed to obliterate any trespasser— he was wagering his life. The
thing about the cave, was that the Dark Lord created his defenses so that he could still access
it. So, trying to think like him—Regulus sent out a prayer to whatever force that had kept him
alive this long—and pushed.

The enchantment shattered leaving just enough space for a person to slip through and
Regulus grabbed Lily pulling them both through without a second thought. They stumbled
into the house and Lily blinked as if waiting for something terrible to happen. It didn’t, which
Regulus would have liked to say he expected, but he truly did not believe that it would work.

“How in Merlin’s name did you do that?” Lily gaped.

“I- have no idea. I guess I just tried to think like the Dark Lord. He’s smart, right? But almost
everything he’s accomplished has been through power and brute force so I just… pushed.”

She just stared. “You’re quite special, aren’t you?”

“I don’t think so,” Regulus disagreed. “Just the unlucky bastard who nearly died in the Dark
Lord’s cave.”

Lily didn’t look like she believed that, but she let it go. She turned to survey the decrepit
shack around them. It was a mess, huge chunks of the roof were missing, the paint had peeled
from the walls, and the wood floor was littered with leaves and various animal skeletons. A
gaping hole took up half of the floor.

Stepping forward captious, as the floorboards creaked weakly under their feet. Regulus
peered into the hole, mouth falling open as he spotted a small gold box glinting in the bottom.

“Do you think there are more enchantments?” Lily whispered at his shoulder.

He didn’t sense anything, but he knew better than to take that at face value. He waved his
wand and thoroughly checked regardless. Even after his search had come up clean he still
didn’t reach forward. Lily stepped in front of Regulus, casting a few of her own spells, before
deciding it was safe. She kneeled down, reaching for the box. Regulus’s heart jumped in his
throat, he was frozen, waiting for something terrible to happen. She rose, holding the small
golden box in her hand, gaze questioning.

“Regulus?”

“Be careful,” he whispered hoarsely. “We checked with the diary… we checked.”

Lily caught her lip between her teeth, looking down at the box. She hesitantly tried the lid
and Regulus held his breath. It didn’t budge and she held the box up reading something on
the side.

“Borne of fire

Ash to dust.

Instrument of

Dead to death.”

Regulus reached out, taking the box from her to read the inscription. He could feel the box
pulling in his hands, like it wished to back in its hiding place. “What does that mean?”
Lily’s eyes narrowed, nose scrunched into what Regulus was coming to think of as her
thinking face. Her fingers tapped on her thigh, making a pattern on the worn muggle jeans
she often wore.

“Instrument… dead to death… I think it’s talking about healing,”

“Healing,” Regulus repeated looking to the box and then back to her.

“Yes, come on, Regulus, you’re the literature obsessive. Use your analysis skills,” she said.
Then continued, cutting him off before he could even begin to protest that he wasn’t
obsessed. “Dead to death… think about it. Dead is past tense, it’s something somebody is.
Death is an overall. A person can’t be death.”

“You think it’s showing progress? Healing, going from something that is the worst to better?”
He glanced down. “Ash to dust… I suppose it implies the same, ash comes from fire,
destruction, dust is only a passage of time.”

“Yes, and what’s an instrument of that, the process of becoming something slightly better?
That’s healing, is it not?”

“A very loose definition of it,” Regulus countered, “but arguable I suppose. It’s juvenile
though, isn’t it? To assume that destruction, being dead is the worst that can happen. Isn’t
living at the edge of death worse than being dead?”

“But do you think Voldemort sees it that way?”

“No,” Regulus answered immediately. No, a man who committed atrocious acts to live
forever, wouldn’t think of living as a worse evil. He wouldn’t see the passage of time as
crueler than destruction.

“Exactly, so the question is, what does it mean?” The glanced around the shack, mouthing the
words of the inscription to herself. “Heal what?” Glancing down at the gaping hole in the
floor Lily paused. “Fire,” she said slowly, “healing…” she gasped her eyes widening as she
spun to Regulus. “Like cauterizing a wound!”

“Cauterizing, isn’t that a muggle thing?”

“Yes and no. It’s more commonly used in muggles but wizards used to do it too before
advanced healing magic was developed. It was used during wartime to get soldiers back out
there as quickly as possible without worrying about delicate and time-consuming healing. We
learned about it in my healer training.”

“Right,” Regulus said, now vaguely recalling hearing of that before.

“So, we need to close it,” she gestured to the hole in the floor before waving her wand.

Regulus was not an optimist and he truly didn’t expect it to work. But as Lily fixed the floor
and the last floorboard fell back into place, he felt the tugging from the box in his hands
cease. With shaking hands, he carefully tried the lid. It fell open with no resistance and
Regulus simply stood there. He blinked down at the ring, nestled in the box, glinting up at
him.

“Is that it?” Lily breathed.

“Yes,” Regulus nodded, unable to rip his gaze from the deep darkness of the ring’s stone. He
didn’t move and Lily seemed to understand his hesitance after what had happened with the
diary. She reached forward, pulling it from the box before he could protest.

“Come on, let’s go,” she nudged him.

Regulus snapped closed the now empty box. Looking towards the fixed floor, he pointed his
wand recreating the damage and dropping the box inside.
“Yes, let’s,” he agreed.

They passed through the doorway and back out onto the overgrown path, pushing through the
bramble and into the glinting sun on the main road. Regulus waited for something to happen,
for Lily to drop to the ground in pain.

Nothing happened and they set back off towards the apparition point. The world was still, the
birds chirping. As they fell into the sucking swirl of apparition, Regulus could have sworn he
caught sight of a figure standing in the trees. A brown-haired boy with a wicked smile. He
gave Regulus a two-finger salute, and Regulus choked. But as the apparition claimed them,
Regulus blinked, and the trees disappeared behind them, completely empty. There was no one
there.

--

Lily dropped the ring on the kitchen table, grinning as Remus, Sirius, and James looked at
her with shock.

“Is that it?” Remus gaped, eyes flitting down to the ring and back up to Regulus and Lily.

“All thanks to Lily,” Regulus shrugged and the girl beside him beamed. Sirius wasn’t sure
when the two had gotten so friendly, they seemed comfortable together and it was almost
stranger than seeing Regulus and Remus close

“I was a bit brilliant,” she agreed.

“I think…” Remus began, leaning forward to poke the ring hesitantly, “it’s time we destroy
some Horcruxes.”

“Can we come?” Lily asked.

Remus’s mouth formed a thin line and Regulus countered him before he could even speak.
“They’re in it now, Remus,” Regulus told him. “They’ve helped, might as well see what it all
adds up to.”

With a heavy sigh, Remus shook his head. “Fine, but they’re not getting too close.”

“Fine,” Regulus agreed, and Sirius was a little glad he wasn’t forced to watch yet another
disagreement between the two. He didn’t know what destroying Horcruxes entailed, and his
guesses only became more absurd when Regulus told them they’d be going to the desert and
mentioned something about a unicorn bone.

Harry was staying with the Weasleys for the day, so they didn’t have to worry about anyone
staying behind. As they touched down in the unbearably scorching desert, Sirius was
beginning to wish he’d insisted on staying anyway.

Remus and Regulus began to wordlessly set up some ritual, working in tandem with a learned
ease. Lily’s eyes were wide and curious as she took in every detail. James wasn’t even
looking at them, his eyes fixed on the horizon, blinking. He didn’t look like he had a clue
where he was or how he’d gotten there. He also, however, didn’t seem too concerned by that,
so Sirius let him be for the time being.

James had fallen back into his distant state which Sirius had begun to think of as the norm
over the past few years, fuzzy, quiet, barely present. He hadn’t even realized how much
James had stepped out of the shell of who he was in the last several months. Sirius knew
James had done it for him. He'd forced himself into some semblance of the person he used to
be so they could look for Remus, so he could support Sirius. It was only now, after months of
fast-paced struggles, that it seemed James could no longer keep it up.

Sirius wanted to push him, to prod James back to himself, but he’d long learned that James’s
level of presence ebbed and flowed. He’d fall back into himself eventually and Sirius
couldn’t push him to it. Lily had once mentioned mood stabilizers for James, but Sirius had
been adamant she not bring it up. After all, they’d done such a good job of ignoring James’s
mental state, and that had clearly been the way James had wanted it. Now, after his
breakdown the night before, and the way he was currently staring at his own hands like he’d
never seen them before… Sirius wondered if maybe Lily had been onto something. Maybe,
there was something off balance within James, maybe it wasn’t just war and grief. Though
Sirius couldn’t say those didn’t clearly contribute. Maybe a potion could help. James had
taken some after his parents died, that was the first time Sirius had ever seen James slip.

Well, not seen. Until recently Sirius had never seen it. He’d only received a firecall that
James was in St. Mungos, and there had been an accident. James had never explained what
had happened. He had insisted it was just a little one-time thing, but he’d been put on potions,
and for a little while and seemed better. Sirius was fairly certain that James was supposed to
stay on them, but he hadn’t. James insisted the mind healer had said it was just until he felt
better, that grief had simply gotten the best of him. Sirius had believed it. Now, he was afraid
he’d been stupid in his denial, had James lied?

Finally, Sirius felt as if he’d broken through some wall. They’d had an actual conversation
and James hadn’t pulled away from Sirius or tried to hide. He hoped that now in the future,
James might not instantly shut him out, that he’d let Sirius be there for him as he had been for
Sirius since they were children. James had given Sirius a chance at life. He had taken him in.
Cared for him, brushed away his tears, and held him through his nightmares. All the while,
James had never once faltered. He’d never even seemed to have a bad day, he went through
life with a smile on his face, not a single care in the world. Sirius had believed that was just
James. But the more he learned, the more raw anguish and uncontrolled rage he saw... the
more Sirius realized James had just hidden it. There was nothing to do about the past,
however, Sirius couldn’t go back and make himself see through James’ façade. He couldn’t
wonder what might have happened if Sirius had known about James and Regulus. Would he
have wanted to help them, try to save his brother? Or would he have lost them both in furious
resentment? It was hard to know because even now, Sirius hadn’t known what he truly felt or
how he was going to react. Just weeks ago, when Regulus had first walked into the kitchen,
Sirius had seen his brother and been angry.

Now, Sirius watched Regulus on his knees, his curls stuck to his face in the intense heat. He
pushed his hair back carelessly, lip caught between his teeth. He was focused, so unconcerned
with getting dirty that it reminded Sirius painfully of the little boy who used to run through
their countryside property. The way he’d get leaves in his hair and mud caked on his face.
He’d squirm as Sirius plucked them out and wiped the dirt from his cheeks. He hated being
touched from a young age, but he’d always let Sirius hold him close, wipe his tears, and press
kisses to his messy hair. Sirius's heart ached as he wondered if he’d ever be trusted to touch
Regulus again. He noticed the way he held his breath when Lily checked his healing wounds,
how he always stood a few steps farther from people than was necessary. Yet, Sirius also
made note of the way he sat close to Remus, how he let the werewolf nudge his shoulder or
squeeze his hand. Sirius thought that maybe… if they learned to trust each other again, it was
entirely possible that Sirius would be welcome to hold him close just like when they were
kids.
It's been a long time since Sirius had felt that clawing ache of possession towards Regulus.
When they were little, Sirius had been so possessive and protective of his brother. He
watched anyone who dared to get too close, stepping between anyone he deemed unfit. The
larger the chasm between the two had become, the less Sirius thought of Regulus as
belonging to him. Distance had grown, Sirius hadn’t looked at Regulus Black and seen his
brother. Yet, lately, Sirius was having trouble seeing Regulus as anyone else. Because that
boy, the one who was messy, determined, and wickedly smart, that was Sirius’s Regulus. That
was his child, his baby brother. He didn’t know if he was angry, he didn’t know if he could
forgive Regulus or if Regulus could forgive him, but nonetheless, Sirius was sure he would
kill anyone who tried to touch his brother.

Regulus straightened, done setting up whatever strange wards he and Remus had been
working on. He brushed his hands on his trousers, sand falling from his fingers.

“That’s unicorn bone?” Lily asked stepping closer the examine the white rods sticking out
from the sand.

“Hm,” Regulus hummed in agreement, “conductors. To combat dark magic, you need the
exact opposite, nothing purer than unicorns.”

“How’d you even get it?”

Remus laughed at that sharing a look with Regulus. “A lovely and brisk walk through a
rainforest,” Remus said, his mouth quirking up in a smile. Sirius still found it so surreal that
Remus and Regulus seemed to have their own inside jokes.

“By lovely and brisk, he means we argued terribly and walked aimlessly for a good eight
hours,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “But he became fond of me after that, so it worked out in my
favor.”

“Fond is a strong word. You were a right fucking mess, I just didn’t feel it right to
continuously call you a piece of shit anymore.”

“Did you call me that?”

“In my head.”

Regulus scoffed prodding Remus as he passed. “Wanker,”

This time, it was Remus's turn to roll his as he pulled out the diary and the locket.

The playful mood immediately shifted, and Sirius could have sworn that the desert heat
faltered briefly at the sight of the Horcruxes. They all simply stared at the items for a
moment. Regulus grimaced and took them from Remus, handling them as if the foul things
might burn him. Even James, no longer seemed to find his own hands to be the most
interesting thing at the moment. He was staring darkly at the Horcruxes.

Lily shivered. “You said… there can be a physical effect from Horcruxes, right?”

“Yes,” Remus nodded. “It’s worse if you’re in direct contact with them, but even having them
in the house can… heighten certain negative emotions,” his eyes flicked to James for a
moment and then back to Lily. “I’m ready to have these awful things destroyed.”

“Me too,” Regulus agreed darkly, dropping them in the middle of the warded area. “You
should all probably step back,” he warned.

Lily and Sirius quickly obeyed, James was still staring at the Horcruxes intensely and Sirius
reached out, pulling him back.

“I don’t like those things,” James said quietly.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to,” Sirius shrugged but stepped closer to James, so their
shoulders were touching. James was as tactile a person as Sirius, and he instantly seemed to
take comfort in the closeness.
“This is going to be… a lot,” Remus warned.

Lily looked torn between her curiosity and fear. She slipped her hand into James’s, eyes fixed
on Remus and Regulus as they waved their wands.

Sirius may not have been as smart as Regulus, but they’d both received the same education in
the dark arts growing up. He recognized the fiendfyre immediately as it burst from their
wands. Before Sirius could even yell in alarm at such a dangerous uncontrollable spell, his
mouth fell open in shock. You couldn’t control fiendfyre, it was impossible, yet somehow, the
wards kept it contained. As the fyre enveloped the Horcruxes, the bright sky around them
seemed to go dark, a blood-curdling scream erupting from the pieces of Voldemort’s soul.

Sirius felt the pain more so than physically saw it, but the pieces were clear in his mind. He
recognized his own. The time-stopping, unimaginable feeling of a Cruciatus, the hoarseness
of his own voice as he tried to scream. His begging. Not Reggie, please don’t hurt him. I’ll do
whatever you want. I’ll do anything. I won’t scream this time, you can cast the Cruciatus, I
swear I won’t!

He saw another piece he was familiar with. The sound of Remus’s bones breaking on a full
moon, his cries when he awoke. Hands bloody, clinging to Sirius. Lily’s shaking hands.
“You’re a freak! Our parents are dead and where were you, huh, Lily? Don’t act as if we are
family, you are nothing to me!” Regulus was gasping, bile rising in his throat, head fuzzy as
his vision faded. Pandora Lovegood was swimming in his vision “Regulus, Regulus, you’re
overdosing, I need to get you help! Stay with me, please stay with me.” “I want to die,”
Regulus gasped. “Please Pandora just let me die.”

James was screaming, hands shaking as he fell to the floor in the Black library, letter on the
ground. Love R.A.B. Love? Love? The pain was all-consuming, cutting his insides, and
tearing through his throat, James sobbed, shaking in raw visceral pain. Then, he stood. Ash
on his fingers, tears wet on his face. He grabbed the book from the floor, breath coming out
in painful gasps. Broken potion bottles crunched beneath his feet. “I love you,” James told
the empty room because he would never get to say it again. He tucked the book in a large pile
and shut the door with a shaking hand.

Sirius had to swallow down the rising bile in his throat, as suddenly, he was himself again. In
his own body, standing in the desert surrounded by the people he loved who looked just as
sick as he felt.
Remus was the first to speak. “That hasn’t happened since the first time,” he said hoarsely,
looking to the Horcruxes which were now just ash, smoking in the sweltering heat.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Lily whispered. She only cursed like a muggle when she was
especially shaken. Sirius could see her hands trembling at her sides.

Sirius just shook his head as if he could erase the images from his mind as everyone came
back to themselves slowly. Everyone but Regulus and James that is, who were both staring at
one another in absolute horror. Entirely still, shoulders stiff, caught in each other’s gaze.
Remus looked helplessly at Lily and Sirius, clearly, not wanting to get in the middle of
whatever was happening between them.

After a tense stare-off where it seemed neither even dared to breathe, Regulus finally opened
his mouth to say something, but James quickly turned away, breaking the moment. Regulus’s
mouth clamped shut.

“Er-“ Remus grimaced. “Let’s just… clean up and get out of here.”

They made quick work, landing back at James and Lily’s house barely any time later. James
immediately disappeared into the house without a word and Sirius resisted the urge to follow
him. He didn’t look like he wanted company at the moment. Lily helped Remus bring the
supplies in, asking a few quiet questions about how they’d developed the spell and the wards.
Their soft voices faded into silence as only Sirius and Regulus were left alone on the porch.
Regulus looked shaken and pale as he stared distantly at the front door.

Regulus jumped as Sirius spoke clearly not expecting him to say anything. “Can I touch
you?” honestly, Sirius was just as surprised by his own words.

“What?” Regulus squeaked in a small voice.

“I’m still angry with you,” Sirius assured him quickly, “but you look like you need a hug.”
“I don’t,” Regulus crossed his arms stubbornly.

Sirius ignored that. “So, I can’t touch you?”

“Of course, you can,” Regulus mumbled his face red. “You’re the only person who always
can.” As if Sirius were dumb for even thinking otherwise.

And fuck. Sirius was still so angry and conflicted when it came to his brother and their messy
relationship, but shit, if he didn’t melt at that. He stepped forward hesitantly, careful as he
tucked his brother into his arms.

Regulus was stiff at Sirius’s timid demeanor, and he quickly forced the uncertainty from his
body language. Regulus had always mirrored Sirius. While he wasn’t sure how much had
changed, Sirius figured stiffness wouldn’t help either of them. Turned out, that wasn’t
something that had changed because as Sirius pulled him close Regulus’s tense demeanor
only lasted a second longer. Suddenly, he relaxed into the embrace, tucking his chin and
letting Sirius rest his head on top of Regulus’s messy curls. Sirius had always been taller even
though Regulus had once sworn he’d catch up. While they’d both grown since then, the
height difference between them was still pretty much the same, and the hug felt weirdly
natural.

Sirius hadn’t really considered until that moment was that if he'd been the one to raise
Regulus, and thought of him as his own kid, then what did that mean to Regulus? If Regulus
was like Sirius’s own child, then Sirius was the closest Regulus had ever had to a parent.
Sirius had Monty and Effie, they’d held him close, and showered him in love. What they’d
been to him, Sirius was to Regulus. The thought hurt, pulling something tight in his chest and
Sirius held Regulus even tighter. His brother finally raised his hands to hug Sirius back.
Sirius placed a kiss to Regulus’s hair just like used to after a quidditch accident or a rough
altercation with their parents.

Regulus's shoulders shook and Sirius realized with a pang of despair that his brother was
crying silently, breath coming out in quiet gasps. Even through all of this, Sirius hadn’t seen
Regulus cry. Though it seemed pretty much everyone else had cried at some point within the
past few weeks.
The instinct was still there, it had been waiting for years to rear its head. Sirius found it easy
to rub soothing circles on Regulus’s back, to hold him and comfort him. “I’m sorry I didn’t
protect you,” Sirius whispered.

“I’m sorry you ever felt like you had to,” Regulus whispered back, his voice muffled as he
buried his face and Sirius’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I left you,” Sirius said because why not just get everything out right now? Let it
all fall to pieces so that when it was over, they might be able to put some of the parts back
together.

“I’m sorry I resented you for it.”

“I’m sorry I never tried to understand why you did what you did. I never considered that
however fucked up, it was your way of surviving.”

Regulus sniffled his voice hoarse. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger, I’m sorry I was scared.
I’m sorry because our parents got their claws in me and there were times when I really
believed what they were saying. I’m sorry I was a cruel person, I’m sorry I was theirs.”

“No,” Sirius said fiercely. “You’re mine, mine, Regulus. I may have not put you on this
fucking earth, but I dried your tears and tucked you in at night. I taught you how to keep your
head down and I taught you how to read and write. I taught you to ride a broom. I held your
hand and took your punishments even when I thought the distance between us was
uncrossable. I loved you and I failed you, even if I was a kid, even if it wasn’t my
responsibility. So, you don’t get to be theirs, do you fucking hear me? You’re not and you
never were. Because if you were theirs, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. I know who
you were, okay? I know you believed them. Because I know who you are in your heart and if
you didn’t, you never would have taken the mark. I know you didn’t realize it yet, but you did
eventually, you did. It’s right here in front of me, the proof.”

“I still feel like theirs,” Regulus admitted, his voice small like it was his most shameful
secret. It probably was.
“You may have been,” Sirius pulled back holding Regulus’s face in his hands so he couldn’t
look away. “But you aren’t anymore. Because if you were, you’d be wearing a Death Eater
mask, somewhere at Voldemort’s shoulder with fucking Bellatrix. You wouldn’t be in a house
with some blood traitors, a werewolf, and a muggleborn. You wouldn’t have spent the last
few years actively trying to destroy everything our parents believed in.”

“Okay,” Regulus whispered, and his eyes were red, his lashes wet as he blinked. Sirius’s heart
ached with how young Regulus looked at that moment. “Okay… and you didn’t fail me. I
failed you. I wanted to be just like you, to be bold and bright but I was so scared. I took the
mark, I did what they asked. I couldn’t be like that, I wasn’t brave.”

“Maybe we failed each other,” Sirius told him. “Maybe, every single person in this sick
fucking world failed us. Maybe two children never should have been in that situation, to
begin with. Maybe, leaving you was both the worst and only possible thing I could have
done. And maybe, you had no choice but to become a Death Eater, maybe you did. Maybe
we’ll always carry a bit of resentment between us for things we can’t change. Maybe, it
doesn’t matter right now. Because we’re here, Regulus. We’re here and we made a lot of
shitty choices to get here. But I’m alive, you’re alive, and our parents are dead. We have this
chance, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize that I can’t waste it. I can’t spend
another second of my life not being your brother.”

“It going to be hard,” Regulus said softly, his eyes conflicted. “You probably still hate me, I
might still hate you. Even when I know some of it is irrational, even though you had no
choice but to leave me. If I could go back, I would never let you stay, but it still hurts. It still
makes me angry that you tossed me aside so quickly. You were all I had.”

“I know, I know. And I’ll probably still be angry for a long time too. Because I shouldn’t
have had to be your parent. I shouldn’t have been the only thing you had, the only person
who didn’t hurt you. I shouldn’t have needed to protect you or to take a Cruciatus for you, but
I did and I don’t regret it. Yet, I resent you for the fact that I needed to. Even if it wasn’t
really your fault. So yeah, Regulus, it’s going to be pretty fucking hard, but I’m willing to try
if you are.”

“I am,” Regulus said quickly. “I’m willing to try.”

“Good, then me too.”

And Sirius didn’t know how to cope. How to look at this young man and see both his baby
brother and someone else entirely. He didn’t know how long it’d take him to get to know this
person. If he’d like who Regulus had become, but he was willing to find out. He was willing
to fight through every pricky bitter thorn of resentment and bitterness that lay in wait, ready
to strike when he least expected it. Sirius was willing to give it a go, even if it ended terribly.

When they stepped inside the house together, Lily and Remus both paused watching them as
if they were waiting for a bomb to go off. But Sirius just reached out, wiping at the tear tracks
on Regulus’s face before squeezing him on the shoulder and flopping down on the sofa
dramatically.

“I’m starving,” he complained. “Who’s turn is it to cook?”

Both Remus and Lily turned to Sirius and then back to Regulus in surprise. Remus raised his
eyebrows in a question and Regulus just shrugged. He sniffled before sitting down in the big
chair in the corner, which Sirius so strangely had begun to think of as his chair.

“I think it’s James’s turn,” Lily said slowly, looking suspiciously between the Black brothers
before grimacing as she realized what she’d said. “Uh- he’s upstairs though so… I’ll go talk
to him.” She said quickly rising from her seat. “I’ll be right back.”

“Wait, Lils,” Sirius said quickly before he could second guess himself. “Do you remember
some years back we talked about James and… stabilizers? Could you maybe, possibly,
mention that to him? I just think- well, he listens to you.”

“I think ‘listens’ may be overstating things a little,” She said softly. “But I can try, he
probably won’t react well to it, though. And I thought you were of the opinion that it would
be a terrible idea?”

“I was, I think I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot.”

Her green eyes were full of sadness far too old for someone so young. Sirius remembered
briefly how once, he and Lily had barely tolerated each other. It felt like a lifetime ago now.
“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll give it a shot, can you go pick Harry up from the Weasleys in
twenty minutes or so? I’m not sure how long I’ll be.”

“Of course. Thank you, Lily, thank you.”

“Don’t thank me so soon,” she warned, but headed up the stairs anyway.

As she did, Sirius held his breath, praying that for once something would go right.

--

“James?”

He didn’t look up as the door opened, he couldn’t look away from his hands. He was pretty
sure they were wrong, that somebody must have replaced them while he slept. They couldn’t
be James’s hands, They didn’t look like his. He searched his wrist for a suture line. Stitching
where somebody might have sewn these new hands on. There was nothing, just the seamless
blend of his hand becoming his wrist.

“James,” once again, more intently this time. He blinked looking up to see Lily kneeling in
front of him, her freckled cheeks and forehead creased in concern.

“Sorry, what?” He forced himself to look away from the foreign hands attached to his body.

“I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” James said instantly because it was instinct, it was all he ever really knew how to
say.
“You’re not.” Her voice left no room for arguments.

“It’s just…” he gestured one of his not-hands. “Everything is confusing. It’s fine. It’ll go
away soon, the… fuzziness.”

“Yes, it always does eventually, and then it comes back,” Lily said seriously, like she knew
something he didn’t.

“Yeah, 'cause bad things keep happening,” he mumbled. He wanted to laugh but didn’t really
feel like he had enough control over his body to do so.

“They do, but this doesn’t happen to everyone when bad things happen.”

“So, you think I’m especially fucked up?” James asked sharply. He didn’t snap, couldn’t snap
at Lily Evans of all people, but his tone wasn’t kind either.

“No, I think you need help. I think that these bad things trigger something in you James, and
you spiral. Sometimes it lasts months, sometimes much less, sometimes you come out of it
for a day and immediately fall back. I think you shouldn’t have to live with it.”

“It’s just war,” James told her, he’d been biting at his cheek, and he could taste blood in his
mouth. “We all struggle.”

“Yes, we do. But you could relieve some of it, James. I’m sure there’s a way to make it even
a little better.”

“I don’t think so,” James told her, looking away. He couldn’t meet Lily’s eye when she was
so full of blazing determination and it hurt James to blink.
“I do,” Lily insisted. “Do- do you remember…” It was only as she faltered that James forced
himself to look up. She swallowed nervously. “After your parents died,” she whispered, “you
were on potions, you were better for a while.”

James stood suddenly, forcing Lily to scoot back to avoid being knocked over. She rose from
her knees, standing as well. “I don’t need potions,” he hissed. “I’m not sick!”

“You’re suffering,” she said quietly, of course even as James’ emotions rose, she stayed calm.
“I let you pretend everything was fine for so long, I turned my head because I knew it was
what you wanted. I was too scared to say anything. But I’m done being scared James, I’m
done waiting for the war to take us. You need help, you can’t keep living like this.”

“It’s just a bit of stress,” James told her. “It’ll pass,” he could feel the circles he was talking
in, tilting his vision, making him dizzy.

“No,” she said firmly. “There is something bigger wrong. And before you even say anything,
there’s nothing wrong with that, you’re not broken or ruined, James. But you’re hurting… If
you had a broken leg do you think I’d sit here and let you walk on it? I’d want you to go and
get help. This is the same, you just have to let someone help you get better. Don’t you want to
be better? Don’t you want to live differently? What about Harry, do you want to even risk
there being a day when you can’t be there for him like you should?”

“I would never,” James said hoarsely.

“Right now, you are.”

And well, that was it. That was it. James looked at the hands that weren’t his and he knew
that really, they must have been, but he didn’t really know what was real anymore.
Everything hurt so badly that he couldn’t even feel, he was outside of his body. He didn’t feel
like he was really there. James didn’t want that, he didn’t want to fall back into his body one
day only to realize his son had grown up and he’d missed it. He didn’t want to wake up alone.
He didn’t know if he could wake up.
 “I wouldn’t even know how I could be helped; St. Mungos belongs to the Death Eaters, I
couldn’t go back there,” James whispered.

“But if I could find a way, you’d go?” She asked carefully like she barely dared to believe it.

“I- yes. I’d try.” Lily let out a sob at his words, he hadn’t realized until that moment how
much he’d been hurting her. He hadn’t ever wanted to hurt Lily Evans.

“Okay, okay,” she whispered reaching out and James let her hug him tightly. “We’ll figure
this out.”

“Okay,” James said into her hair, and truly, he hoped it was possible.

Chapter End Notes

A big chapter for y'all today because ily. I hope your 2023 is going well so far!

I go back to school in a few weeks so I'm hoping to write as much as possible before
then. Ideally, I'd love to finish writing this before classes start but that may be a bit too
optimistic.

I'm going to start going through my chapters so far and editing out any typos or
mistakes, my beta is Grammarly and it doesn't do the best job lmao. I was looking back
and noticed some mistakes in the first few chapters so I'm sure they're everywhere else
too, sorry guys!

You know it, I'm updating Friday :)) (no surprise here babes, maturing is really just
learning to keep my update schedule.)

find me on tumblr
 Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“I think we should go to Tom Riddle’s house.”

Sirius paused mid-bite. “Voldemort has a house?”

“No,” Remus sighed. “Voldemort’s father. Look, we know where he lived. We know that
Voldemort’s mother was Merope Gaunt, what we don’t know is how she wound up with a
muggle, how she died, or really anything that happened at all.”

Regulus was pushing his lunch around his plate and he frowned. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt to
find out a little about Riddle, and try to trace some of the threads of Voldemort’s childhood. I
mean, we still don’t even know what the last Horcrux might be but since the only founder’s
heirloom left is the diadem, it’s probably another object connected to his past.” A long
second of silence followed his words, and he looked up from his food. Remus didn’t think
Regulus had even realized what he’d said as he looked to them in confusion. “What?”

“Voldemort,” Remus said slowly.

“What about him?”

“No, Reg, that’s what you said. Voldemort, I’ve never heard you call him that before. You’ve
always said the Dark Lord.”

“Oh,” Regulus frowned. “Surely that isn’t true?”

“It is, there’s nothing wrong with it,” Remus said, “but I do prefer Voldemort.”

“Because I sound less like a Death Eater.”

“Yes,” Remus said because why should he lie to Regulus? He could swallow a hard pill or
two.

“You’re not a Death Eater,” Sirius said firmly. “Not anymore.” And that was a strange
development Remus was still getting used to, over the past week or so Sirius and Regulus
seemed to have developed some tentative relationship. They still argued over pretty much
everything, but Sirius had become fiercely protective, and even stranger, was the fact that
Regulus let his brother fuss over him. He sat still whenever Sirius insisted on fixing his hair
even though Remus knew for a fact that Regulus was very particular about being touched. He
even occasionally listened to Sirius when he suggested that Regulus should get more sleep or
stop working when it got late.

“Yes, well… uh- Voldemort obviously cares about his Horcruxes having sentimental value, so
we probably should do some digging.”

“Okay, then,” Remus said, “should we all go, or send only a few people?”

“James and I will stay,” Lily said immediately. Remus expected James to quickly argue but
instead, he just looked down at his plate, lip caught between his teeth.

“Oh, I mean sure,” Remus said, “I only suggested everyone because I thought Harry was
staying over with the Weasley’s, but that’s fine.”

“Yes, he is,” Lily said, and Remus looked at her questioningly.

“I have an appointment,” James mumbled looking uncomfortable.

Remus quickly understood the implications of that and decided to keep his mouth shut on the
matter. She hadn’t mentioned it, but Lily must have by some miracle, convinced James to see
someone, Remus wasn’t about to tempt any delicate agreement James had made.

“Okay, then the three of us can go, I suppose.”

“Sounds, fun,” Sirius grinned and Remus knew he’d changed the subject on purpose and was
glad for it “I haven’t got out of this house for ages. And no offense I love you all but I’m
feeling quite cooped up.”

“You could go to your own flat,” Regulus pointed his fork accusingly.

“And let everyone party on without me? Never!” Sirius said dramatically and Remus tried
not to think about the fact that Sirius had clearly been avoiding their flat.

Truthfully, Remus was avoiding it as well, he supposed. Though he did have the added
excuse of being in hiding. For Sirius, Remus was pretty sure he was simply set on ignoring
the weird limbo between them. They weren’t arguing, in fact, they were quite normal… if it
were fourth year and they were still only friends. But it was not fourth year, the were grown
fucking adults who had been in a committed relationship for many years, but Remus didn’t
know how to breach the topic. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. They’d all fallen into a
delicate sort of peace, even James and Regulus had avoided any further arguments, and sure,
that was probably because neither even dared to look at the other, but still, Remus didn’t want
to be the one to break it.

Regulus who was never one for dragging his feet promptly stood “Let’s go now,”

“Can’t I finish my food?” Sirius complained

“You could have if you’d spent more time eating and less time acting like a fool,” Regulus
said leaving no room for argument “get ready to leave,”
Sirius just sighed loudly as Regulus swiftly left the room, he walked swiftly, spine straight
and Remus was glad to see it, the power in his shoulders, the focused sharpness in his gaze.
Regulus had finally been deemed fully healed by Lily and for the first time since he’d been
injured, some of his confidence had seemed to return. Remus knew Regulus had been
severely shaken by the entire idea, and ending up here hadn’t helped, but he seemed to be
settling a little better now.

“He’s a little scary sometimes, isn’t he?” Sirius mused.

Remus just laughed, because really Sirius had no idea of what Regulus was capable “he’s
very scary,” Remus corrected “truly terrifyingly brilliant, we’re lucky he’s on our side.”

“Hm, I mean,” Lily tilted her head to look in the direction that Regulus had disappeared in
“he did singlehandedly discover the existence of the Horcruxes and steal one from under
Voldemort as a teenager, takes some nerve.”

“That or a certain lack of regard for one’s life,” Remus muttered.

“You know I can hear you?” Regulus called from the next room “get a move on for Merlin’s
sake!”

Remus just exchanged a grin with Lily, shaking his head as he rose from his seat. He was
very relieved as his joints barely hurt, a very uncomfortable the full moon had come and gone
and he felt better recovered now a few days later. What wasn’t better was the wince Remus
had to suppress every time he thought about the very awkward dance he’d had to do with
James and Sirius when it came to deciding how they were going to handle their first moon
together after everything. In the end, they’d all gone just like they used to, but it had been
stiff and strange with so much still unresolved. That wasn’t even mentioning the conversation
they’d had to have with Regulus when it became apparent that he did not know anything
about his brother and James being animagi. At first, Regulus had thought it was hilarious and
fitting that Sirius was a dog, however when he found out James was a stag his mouth had
clamped shut and he’d looked suddenly very unamused. Remus wasn’t sure what that meant
to Regulus, but he decided it best not to ask. He always needed to be very careful when the
topic of James and Regulus was concerned.

--
James did not dislike his mind-healer, in fact, he found he actually liked her a great deal. He
hadn’t wanted to, but in general James Potter was not someone who disliked many people.
She was friendly, maybe a decade or so older than him with soft eyes and a soft Irish accent.
Healer Potts, she’d introduced herself as before sitting down across from him. James’ heart
was in his throat as he expected her to start drilling him, instead, they’d simply chatted for
the first twenty minutes, simply letting James talk about his life, family, and friends. He
found himself relaxing in spite of himself and when they finally breached the topic of why he
was here, he stopped himself from balking.

“Lily, er- my son’s mother, she was concerned about me.” He mumbled, looking down to pull
at a thread on the couch “I was in the hospital a few years ago and she thought it’d helped,
she wanted me to try again.”

“Right, and for the sake of transparency James, I know it was mentioned but I’ll say again, I
do have a copy of those medical records as you consented to. However, I’d like to hear it
from you, whatever you’re okay with telling me about what happened. You were given a
diagnosis, are you willing to talk to me about that?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” James said fiercely, pulling hard at the thread in the couch.

“No James, there isn’t. A diagnosis doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you as a
person or who you are, it’s simply a label to help explain and identify something.”

James’ anger faded, just as quickly as it’d come. Healer Potts had such a calm, patient
demeanor and she looked at him kindly, entirely unphased. He didn’t feel like he could be
angry in such a warm comfortable room. “Lily… she said it was like if I was physically hurt,
like if I’d broken my leg I’d go to a healer. She said this wasn’t so different from that.”

“Lily sounds like a very smart woman,” Healer Potts said, “and if you had a broken leg,
would you say there was something wrong with you?”

“No…” James admitted quietly, looking up at the healer as she waited calmly for him to
continue “I- I guess I’d just say I have a broken leg.”
“Well then there you go, there’s nothing from with you James. You’re hurt and you deserve to
feel better, same as if you’d broken your leg. You should be very proud of yourself, it’s hard
to take this step.”

“Yeah…” James mumbled biting his cheek “uh- do I still have to talk about the diagnosis?”

“Only if you’re comfortable,”

“I can try?” He offered weakly.

“That’s a good place to start. Take your time, James.”

He nodded swallowing thickly “Um, my parents died,” he thought it probably best not to
mention the war when he’d had to go to Ireland just to get treatment because of it, so he
quickly brushed past that “At first I grieved you know, more than grieved, I guess. I felt like I
wasn’t a person. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, or get out of bed. I felt like I was watching
everything in my life happen around me, like I was there looking at it all from above, I
couldn’t take part in it. I thought you know, that was just grief, my parents were dead. And
then, I didn’t grieve. Honestly, I don’t remember it very clearly, but I was just so out of
control. I went on a bender, didn’t care about anyone or anything, and then it all fell apart. I
thought it was good, that I was good but I lost control. I made bad decisions and one night…
I got hurt, wasn’t anything bad really but the people I was with brought me to the hospital,
they weren’t really my friends, weren’t the good sorts, and didn’t want to feel responsible I
guess. There at the hospital, they thought I was erratic, a danger or something. Gave me some
diagnosis and potions to take, I never told anyone exactly what’d happen, I’d distanced
myself from my real friends so at the time they had no idea what was going on with me…”

“What happened after that? What about the potions?”

“They… helped,” James admitted shamefully “We found out Lily was pregnant not so long
later, and I- I mean I pulled myself together. I didn’t like the potions but I took them because
we were going to have a baby. But then I stopped…”
“May I ask, why that was?”

“Someone I loved died,” he whispered “and everyone was talking, speculating about all the
ways that it could have happened, but… I was sure I knew. He was a potion addict, I’d barely
brought him back from the edge a few times when we were teenagers, but I’d given up on
him. I hadn’t seen him in years when I found out he died and up until then, I’d tried to
pretend he’d gotten clean and gone off to live happily ever after. Then he died, and I went to
his house and there were potion bottles everywhere and I.. just knew. I tried to keep taking
my potions after that, but it just… they scared me. I didn’t want them to make me a different
person.”

Healer Potts nodded in gentle understanding “now James, I certainly think we need more
sessions before we decide on any sort of treatment plan, but I’d like to know now how you’d
feel about potentially going on potions again in the future.”

“I- I feel scared,” James admitted

“Then why don’t we talk about them? How educated do you feel you are in potions?”

“I, well- I didn’t get amazing marks. I didn’t pay attention,” he said sheepishly.

“Okay, then let’s go over the different possibilities of potions used to treat bipolar disorder,
you can see their ingredients, how they’re different from addictive potions, and exactly what
they do. Do you think that might make you feel a bit better?”

“Actually… yes. I do,” he said slowly surprised by how much sense her suggestion made.

When James emerged from the office thirty minutes later, Lily was sitting anxiously in the
waiting room. “So, I’ll see you next week, James,” Healer Potts waved him goodbye and he
nodded approaching Lily as she watched him with wide eyes.

“So, was it okay?” Lily asked him nervously.

James could see the sun filtering through the trees into the office, birds were flying outside
the window, and he thought that the world hadn’t quite gotten the memo that summer was
over yet. James took a deep breath “It wasn’t so bad,” he told her quietly.

Lily smiled, grabbing his hand “Good, let’s go home,”

One therapy session and a sunny day weren’t enough to instill any long-lost hope in James
Potter, but as he squeezed Lily’s hand he considered that maybe, he wouldn’t feel like this
forever. Hope or not, it was a nice thought.

--

Little Hangelton

1983

Regulus was about two seconds from knocking both Sirius and Remus over the head. The
two both talked to each other like there was nothing going on between them, but Regulus
kept catching each throwing pained glances at the other whenever a back was turned. It was
driving him fucking insane, clearly, Remus and Sirius were made for each other, and he was
going to lose his mind if they didn’t work out their shit soon.

Same as with the Gaunt shack, Regulus hadn’t wanted to apparate too close to the Riddle
estate and so they were stuck walking the long trek up while Sirius acted a complete fool.

As if to punctuate Regus’s internal monologue, Sirius chose that moment to make a highly
uncalled-for sex joke and Remus shot him an unamused look, Regulus was unable to hold in
his snort of laughter at the perfect timing.

Sirius spun to him looking suddenly offended “Why did you laugh?” he asked accusingly.
“No reason, you’re acting like an idiot.”

Sirius crossed his arms “No, no you can’t laugh at sex jokes Regulus, you’re not supposed to
understand that.”

“I’m an adult, Sirius,”

“Barely,” Sirius said barreling on as Regulus rolled his eyes, they were a single year apart
“you shouldn’t know.”

Regulus scoffed raising an unimpressed eyebrow “Whatever you say,”

He moved to push past Sirius who had blocked up that path in his little fit and Sirius quickly
raced after him “No, no, have you had sex Regulus?”

“Oh boy…” Remus muttered from behind them looking entirely fucking done.

“As I said I am an adult, I am not talking about this any longer Sirius.”

Sirius paused mouth open to clearly argue pointlessly some more when suddenly he froze
face turning white “Oh my god, bloody fucking hell, have you had sex with James?” he
shrieked, and Regulus resisted the urge to simply punch his brother in the face.

“As I said,” he said sharply “we are not talking about this,”

Sirius looked like he was about to be sick “Oh merlin, that’s disgusting, you’ve shagged
James.” He paused before his eyes widened once more “Fuck! James shagged my brother?
I’m going to kill him!”
“Had that really not occurred to you until now,” Remus asked, pushing Sirius’s shoulder to
get him to start moving again. “I mean, I’m fairly certain you literally said that weeks ago.”

“Yes!” Sirius sputtered “but I didn’t think about it. Fuck, don’t let me think about it, I need to
obliviate myself. That’s just so wrong…”

Because Remus was god’s gift to earth he just patted Sirius’s shoulder “Come on Pads, as
long as it was safe and consensual it’s none of your business.”

Sirius looked like he very much disagreed with that statement, but Regulus pushed him hard
and they continued on their way again.

“Remind me to never take you anywhere,” Regulus grumbled.

On one hand, he was incredibly embarrassed by the entire conversation, on the other it felt
like such a normal brotherly conversation that a part of Regulus didn’t mind as much as he
should. He’d once imagined Sirius genuinely wanting to kill him if he found out about James,
this reaction was so close to normal it was almost nice.

“That’s so disgusting,” Sirius muttered under his breath yet again.

Okay, maybe extra emphasis on the almost.

He refused to talk to Sirius for the rest of the walk which led to Sirius becoming very pouty
and Remus, increasingly unamused.

When they stopped at the gates of the empty Riddle house, even Sirius sobered as they
looked up at the great property.

“Well, this place is a little creepy,” he said with a raised eyebrow.

“No creepier than the house we grew up in,” Regulus said before casting an alohomora at the
locked gate and pushing it open with a loud creak.

Remus winced at the sound looking around. The sun had begun to set and the house, which
sat on a hill above the rest of the town, looked quiet. The windows were boarded and the
place was dark but overall, compared to the disarray of the Gaunt shack, the yard was well
tended and the porch while glistening with the glass of broken bottles, looked as if someone
had attempted to sweep the mess aside.

They made their way up to the porch and carefully unlocked the front door without a word,
the house was dark and dusty as they stepped inside, and Regulus resisted the urge to cough
in the heavy air.

They’d looked into the papers on the death of the Riddle family, but the accounts had been
vague and uncertain. The only thing they seemed to know was that one day in 1943 the world
had awoken and they were dead, initially, the press had blamed their gardener but the
accusation was never proven to be true. Regulus would wager it definitely wasn’t the poor
muggle gardener, in fact, he was almost certain Voldemort had used the murder of his father
and grandparents to create another Horcrux.

“We should split up,” Regulus said holding his wand aloft “we’ll cover more ground,”

“Uh how about we don’t do that?” Sirius asked his voice rising as he looked around the cold
house.

“It’ll be fine, Pads,” Remus shook his head “it’s a big house and I don’t want to spend too
long here. Just keep an eye out and be careful of any wards or traps.”

“How do we even know what we’re looking for?” Sirius asked.

“We don’t really,” Regulus said “if you find any records or anything that could pertain to
Voldemort or his mother grab them, otherwise look for anything usual. A spell or
enchantment, it’d make sense for the Dark Lord to hide another Horcrux here, so any
protections could point to that.”

Sirius sighed “Fine, but I’m not taking the basement,” He gestured to the door which was
slightly ajar leading down a dark dusty staircase.

Regulus rolled his eyes “I’ll take the basement; Remus can take the ground floor and you can
check the second.”

“Okay, be careful,” Remus squeezed his shoulder, and Sirius always needing to be included,
cut in ruffling his hair.

Regulus ducked away from both of them “Go,” he commanded, “just give a yell or send a
patronus if you find anything.”

Without a second thought, Regulus headed down to the dark basement, trying not to shiver
when he felt the temperature drop as he descended. There was a light switch on the wall, but
Regulus didn’t dare turn it on, not wanting any neighbors to notice the lights on. He held up
his wand casting a quick lumos. It didn’t do much to light up the room, but it was enough to
make out what he was looking at.

The basement was dusty and shadowy, but not any different from a regular basement. There
were old boxes piled in the corners with labels reading things like ‘summer clothes’ and
‘Christmas decorations’. It was all mundane, the things any normal person would have in
their basement. He looked through the boxes searching for anything that might have records
or birth certificates, the only thing he found was a box of old artwork and school projects,
clearly done by a child. He closed the lid after a cursory glance at the date on the box and
continued his search, stopping as he got to a box of pictures. He pulled them out, examining
the still faces of the muggle photographs. They were black and white and a little fuzzy,
showing a smiling family. In one particular photo s young adult grinned with his parents, in
front of a vast ocean. The sun was shining down, and Regulus felt his heart freeze in his chest
as he studied the teenager. The boy looked so much like Voldemort if he were more human
perhaps. He had the same dark hair and handsome bone structure but where Voldemort was
too sharp, his skin too pale like a skeleton, and eyes unsettlingly snake-like, this teenager was
bright and alive, eyes warm, his grin charming. Regulus turned the photo over.
Mary, Thomas, and Tommy, Summer 1922

This boy was Tom Riddle Senior, Voldemort’s father. Regulus couldn’t understand how a
man who looked so human and normal could help create someone like the Dark Lord. How
this unsuspecting, charming muggle had unknowingly brought the destruction of the
wizarding world down upon them. He swallowed, pocketing the picture and tucking the rest
of them back in their box.

He looked through the rest of the things stored in the basement, but there was no trace of a
child, no sign that Tommy Riddle ever had had a son. Regulus had to assume that if he’d
even known he had a kid, Voldemort had never been here, and probably hadn’t known his
father at all. He wondered if that had something to do with why even as a half-blood,
Voldemort hated muggles so much.

Regulus stood, brushing the dust from his trousers, turning around the look at the rest of the
large room. There was an old oven in the corner covered with a tangle of Christmas lights
and some rickety wooden chairs stacked up precariously. On the far side, there was a large
wardrobe and Regulus almost looked past it with as much care as he paid the old oven but
stopped suddenly. There was a pulling in his gut, a nagging feeling telling him something was
off with it. He stepped closer and as his wand shed more light on the tall wardrobe he realized
why, it was unnaturally clean. Everything else in the basement was covered in a thick layer of
dust, but the doors gleamed, the wood warm and untouched. Stepping forward captiously
Regulus cast his usual spells checking for any curses but they came back clean, and he felt no
hum of magic. Slowly holding his breath, Regulus pulled open the door. He jumped back
letting out an undignified yelp as something fell to the ground. The shape looked almost
humanoid-like with long arms and legs. Regulus’s hands were shaking with adrenaline but
the creature didn’t move and after a long moment of standing there frozen, he worked up the
nerve to step forward again.

While Regulus would never admit it, he’d always had a love for magical creatures. His
parents thought it improper and senseless to focus on such a subject and he’d always been
careful to show his hard work in potions and his other classes, but he’d truly taken a shine to
care of magical creatures. That said, it was very strange to stare at this creature and have no
idea what it was. It was fairly small, grey, and bumpy with a round body, long limbs, and
small round ears. Stumped Regulus stepped closer, mind whirring, it seemed familiar, but he
couldn’t seem to identify it. It was only as he was about to call Remus and Sirius that
Regulus paused in shock.
Fucking hell, it was a boggart. Of course, he couldn’t recognize it, people rarely ever saw
one in its true form, most died of old age, and when they met their final time they simply
turned to dust. It was considered atrocious to kill a Boggart, they weren’t bad creatures, after
all, the fear was only a defense mechanism.

“What the fuck?” Regulus whispered glancing at the now empty wardrobe.

“Looking for something?”

Regulus spun but his wand was flying out of his hand before he could react.

“Aw come on, Reg, that’s no way to treat an old friend.”

Regulus’s heart stopped, his breath trapped in his throat. “Barty?”

“Ah, so you do remember me? Shame, I was hoping for your sake, you had some sort of
memory loss.”

“What… Barty, what are you doing here? Give me back my wand.”

“No, I don’t think I will.”

Regulus opened his mouth to yell, hoping to alert Sirius and Remus but Barty knew him well
and cast a silencing charm before he could make a sound.

“What do you want?”

“Hm, good question. Quite a few things really, there’s so much we have to discuss Regulus, I
mean considering that you’re dead. Well, just imagine my shock to see you so very alive and
galivanting with the enemy.”

Regulus suddenly remembered the flash of a grin, a figure in the woods “you were there the
other day,” he said eyes widening. Regulus thought he’d been losing his mind.

“Maybe,” Barty smiled pulling out a heavy gold pocket watch “look at the most fascinating
thing I found,” he held it up reading something engraved on the inside “Tom J. Riddle,
wonder who that is?” Regulus had spent enough time in constant exposure to Horcruxes to
recognize what it was instantly. The heavy anxiety in his chest tightened at the sight, fuck,
fuck.

“I think it’s just a watch Barty,”

“Is that so?” Bart raised an unconvinced eyebrow “Well, I think I’ll keep it. Come on Reg,
let’s go on a trip.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Barty laughed and Regulus didn’t recognize the sound, once this man had been his friend, a
companion, now he sounded needlessly cruel, manic.

“I’m afraid you have no choice,” Barty grabbed Regulus’s arm and he reacted instantly
bringing his elbow up to hear Barty’s nose crunch. The death eater stumbled backward, and
Regulus darted around him, he’d almost made it to the stairs, heart pounding in his ears when
he heard Barty yell a sharp curse and something hit him square in the back. Regulus fell
forward, darkness filling his vision as the dusty basement faded around him.

Well, he was definitely fucked.

--
Sirius thought that for an old abandoned manor, the Riddle house wasn’t particularly
interesting. He went through bedrooms and empty linen closets, opened desks, and checked
under beds, he found nothing. A lot of the belongings had been removed aside from the
furniture and he found absolutely nothing of interest. He even did a couple of spells to check
for enchantments or wards, but the house was quiet. After doing another sweep just to be sure
he hadn’t missed anything Moony and Regulus would chew him out for, Sirius sighed
bounding back down the stairs. Remus was in the parlor when Sirius emerged looking just as
empty-handed.

“Anything?” he asked glancing up as Sirius entered.

“No, you either?”

“Nothing,” Remus sighed. “I’m not sure why I thought we’d at least find some kind of
personal records or something to tell us about the Riddles, but the place has been pretty
cleaned out.”

Sirius nodded, twirling his wand between his fingers as Remus rubbed his temple tiredly.

“So um…“ Sirius started and Remus immediately looked up. He couldn’t lie, it sent a surge
of satisfaction down his spine to so instantly command Remus’s attention with barely a word.

“What is it Pads?”

“I was just wondering about James, how do you think his… appointment went?”

“Hopefully, well, but there’s no telling with him. He’s always pushed back at the idea of
being helped. Best not to bring it up to him for now,”

“Yes,” Sirius said quickly. “I wouldn’t, I’ll let Lily and her brilliance take care of that. Still
don’t know how she convinced him, but I’m glad.”
“Me too,” Remus murmured. “This is a good step for James. I’m glad you brought it up, I
think you’ve really grown, Sirius.”

“Have I?” Sirius asked in surprise.

“Course,” Remus frowned. “When James was on those potions at first, you were just as
convinced as he was that he didn’t need them. That there was nothing wrong.”

“I didn’t want him to be sick,” Sirius said quietly. “He said he was fine, and I wanted him to
be fine, I hadn’t seen…” he waved a hand helplessly, “anything yet. Now I have, and I don’t
want him to live like that, you know?”

“I do,” Remus said softly, and even in the dark, Sirius still felt like he could drown in the
depths of his eyes. As warm and safe as ever, he was looking at Sirius with such gentle care
that for a moment Sirius wasn’t sure how he’d ever doubted that Remus loved him.

Except, well, Remus didn’t often look at Sirius that way. He rarely even bothered to look.
The thought brought a bitter taste to Sirius's mouth and he quickly stepped back. Remus felt
the shift between them immediately and looked away as well.

“Um, we should see if Regulus found anything,” He said quickly. “Not sure what’s taking
him so long.”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius agreed, pushing past Remus towards the basement. “Reg?” he called.

There was no answer and Sirius sighed. “Regulus! You’re not making me fucking come
down there, get up here!”

Still, he was met by only silence, and he shook his head. Remus was at his shoulder only a
second later, peering down the dark staircase. Sirius opened his mouth to shout again, but
Remus grabbed his shoulder. Turning, he took in the tightness in Remus's jaw, the sharpness
in his eyes. Sirius’s heart dropped.

“Pads,” Remus warned, “something isn’t right.”

Sirius didn’t waste another second, tearing down the stairs, ignoring Remus’s calls after him.
When he skidded to a stop in the dim basement, it was empty. He spun looking frantically
around but there was no sign of his brother. In the middle of the room, lay some dead
creature, a wardrobe was flung wide open, and boxes had been knocked everywhere.

“Maybe he went upstairs,” Sirius said weakly.

“Sirius…” Remus said from behind him. The way his voice trembled told Sirius that wasn’t
the case.

He spun to look at Remus who was looking at a spot of blood on the floor, his voice was
hoarse “I think he’s gone.”

“No!” Sirius said sharply. “He can’t be, we would have heard. Maybe he just went outside.”

“This is blood.”

“It could be old.”

“It’s not.”

“He’s not gone, Moony! He’s not!”

“Sirius,” he was bending down, picking up something small and glinting from the floor—
Regulus’s necklace, the one Sirius had given him. The one Regulus had worn every day
since.

And that was it. That was enough to obliterate any hopes Sirius had and he was sinking to the
floor with a strangled sob.

“No, no, no,” he choked. “No, Moony I just got him back! No, he’s not gone. Please, please!”

As Remus gripped Sirius's shoulders, he was crying too. “We’re going to get him back; do
you hear me? I will tear down the whole fucking world brick by brick, I don’t care what it
takes or who I have to hurt, we’ll get him back. Do you hear me? We’ll find him.”

As Remus Lupin radiated with devastated fury, Sirius prayed to every god that he’d never
believed in, that Remus was right.

--

It’d taken hours for Sirius to finally allow himself to be dragged from the Riddle house.
Regulus wasn’t there. He was gone, Remus insisted, but Sirius was in disbelief. He’d been so
sure that Regulus would suddenly pop out of a closet and scare the living shit out of them,
grinning wickedly at the fact that they’d actually been worried.

He hadn’t. The house was empty. Regulus was gone.

When they stepped into James and Lily’s house short one person, Lily looked up. “How was
—” she stopped, looking to the door that Remus had closed behind them, waiting for it to
open. When it didn’t, her eyes widened as she took Remus’s shaking hands and Sirius’s tear-
stained face. “Where’s Regulus?”

Sirius just started stupidly crying again and Remus had to be the one to answer. “He’s gone.”
 There was a sudden loud snap as James closed his book violently. Lily looked at him and
then back to Remus and Sirius. “What?” she whispered, horrified.

“We split up to check the house. Sirius and I were done but Regulus hadn’t come up yet, so
we went down to check. The basement was empty, the entire house was empty. There was
blood on the floor and—” Remus faltered holding up Regulus’s necklace helplessly. “I
checked around the house, the town nearby… he’s not there. Not anywhere.”

James was standing, tossing his book to the side. Sirius had that point, seen James angry,
even seen him cruel, but this was nothing like anything Sirius had ever witnessed. His eyes
were blazing, sharp. Sirius wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but tension seemed to crackle
in the air around him. He looked like an angel of death, ready to strike down anything in his
path. “What the fuck are we standing around crying for?” James said and his voice was cold,
unwavering. “Did you test the blood? Who’s is it?”

Thankfully, Remus was ten times smarter than Sirius, because he hadn’t even considered
doing that. “I didn’t, but I swabbed some so we could try.”

“Then let’s find him,” James said and Remus took a deep breath nodding.

“I will stop at nothing,” Remus whispered, echoing what he’d said to Sirius earlier. The fear
in his eyes hardened in his resolve.

Sirius was still crying but he straightened as well, looking at the blazing determination on his
friend’s faces. Someone had severely underestimated the kind of people who loved Regulus
Black and what they’d do to get him back. Someone was going to regret it.

Chapter End Notes

🚨 Disclaimer for this chapter!! Please read for some important notes! 🚨
-there may be inaccuracies with the whole therapy session, I'm no therapist and have no
professional knowledge of how a therapist works but let's chalk any mistakes up to the
fact that this is wizarding therapy so it's different, okay?
-The other thing and the BIG one, is this is the first time I've actually stated that James is
bipolar. I actually tried to dance around it so far in this fic because by stating it officially,
I'm opening myself up to making mistakes in my portrayal of something that is a very
real mental illness. Please let me know if you have any comments or critiques on how
I'm portraying this disorder. I never want to cause any harm or romanticize a mental
illness I have no experience with. Usually, I don't explicitly touch on the subject of
mental illnesses in fics, the only time I have was with eating disorders and I only felt
comfortable because I myself, have lived with one for many years and have intimate
knowledge of what it's like. That said, I often see EDs portrayed harmfully or
inaccurately in fics and I'd never want to do that to someone else. So please, don't
hesitate to let me know now and in the future, if you disagree with how I'm showing
James' disorder.

ALSO please let me know if you ever think I should include a tw for something I
haven't, I have all sensitive content in the tags (even things we haven't gotten to yet) so
you won't be surprised by anything that happens or that's coming. I also have updated
warnings in the opening notes of the first chapter in case you missed those. At this point
if you've read this far, it's probably clear this is a pretty dark fic at times, so stay safe!

Fair warning, I'm not going to be able to reply to all of your comments any more. I've
really tried to in the past (though I've not always succeeded) and if you have any
questions I will try my best to answer them, especially those of you who leave long and
detailed comments, I live for those and will always try to respond. That aside, I still read
every single one and you're all so nice it has me giggling and kicking my feet.

Love you guys!

EDIT: I originally said I'd post on Friday too this week but I'm having a bit of a rough
time right now and I wanted to rework some things in the next chapter that I just haven't
gotten around to. So I will actually not be posting then. So next Friday guys!

find me on tumblr

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 Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Notes

Tw// non-consensual drug use

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Days passed in isolation. Or at least, Regulus figured it had to be days. He’d tried to keep
track in the beginning, but he had no way to tell time. It didn't help that he was in some dark
and dingy cellar, with no windows. At first, he’d tried to figure it out by the temperature
dropping before he realized that it stayed at the same freezing chill all the time. In fact, he
was pretty sure it’d been charmed to stay so cold. Unless, he was so far from England that he
was somewhere cold, which wasn’t a pleasant thought. Regulus was on edge, he hadn’t seen
Barty or any other Death Eaters since his arrival in the small cellar. He’d simply woken up
cold and alone, a few days earlier.

Thankfully, he wasn’t in the worst possible shape. He wasn't in the best either. Regulus still
didn’t know exactly what spell Barty had hit him with, but it’d left an aching pain in his ribs.
Based on the burning pain running down Regulus’s torso, his injury from Malfoy Manor had
been reopened. It wasn’t bleeding much, and he could still move around and think through
the pain, so he deemed it alright. If the pain was steadily worsening with every day… well,
that wasn’t something he could dwell on right now.

It was on what Regulus had decided was the fourth day—but was probably much longer—
that the door finally opened.

“Ah you’re still alive,” Barty grinned. “Good.”

He wasn’t wearing his Death Eater uniform and Regulus’s heart skipped a hopeful beat in his
chest. Was Barty doing this on his own? Did Voldemort know he was alive?
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Barty grinned. “It was so boring, but I needed to soften you up a
bit. You might be able to get off being underestimated by everyone else, but not me. No, Reg,
I know you too well. Can't have you killing me and escaping before we got to have any fun.”

There was something so different, so unfeeling and cold in his old friend, despite the manic
grin. It filled Regulus with sick dread, this wasn't the boy he'd known, the one he'd practically
grown up with.

“What do you want from me, Barty?”

“You know what I want.”

“Revenge is a little shallow.”

“Killing Evan was a little shallow,” Barty hissed. “I know it was you.”

“I didn’t kill Evan, I was gone before he died. Mad-Eye Moody killed him.”

“Right,” Barty laughed humorlessly, his eyes blazing with a manic fury. “Except it was a trap,
the Ministry knew we were coming. I know it was you. No one said anything about the
circumstances of your ‘death’ but I knew you’d been getting cold feet. I knew you defected,
and I knew there were only so many people who knew the plan. I know you told Dumbledore
everything. We walked into a trap, and Evan didn’t walk out. A trap that was only set because
of you. So yes, I’ll kill Moody too when I get to him, but first, I’m going to take care of you.”

“So, you’re going to kill me?” Regulus asked.

“Eventually,” Barty shrugged. “Of course, I’m sure the Dark Lord will take great interest
when he learns you’re alive, but I’ll have my fun first.”
Regulus was careful not to react, but he felt a surge of relief. Good, so Voldemort didn’t even
know Barty was doing this. Not yet, at least.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m okay.”

“Nonsense,” Barty smiled. “I can’t have my guest going hungry, I’ll be right back.”

He left the cellar, the heavy metal door closing with a slam. Regulus was only left waiting a
few minutes before Barty returned, a plate of some kind of stew and a cup of water. “Eat up,”
he said pushing it towards Regulus.

Regulus eyed the plate. The spoon Barty had provided was dull and soft, clearly made to
break if someone were to try to use it as a weapon. He studied the food looking up at Barty
who only shot him a look.

“I’m not hungry,” Regulus protested.

“Oh, don’t play games, Reg. You’ll eat the food or I’ll be forced to do something far worse
than feed you.”

Regulus looked at the food and then at Barty. His former friend didn’t seem in a hurry to kill
Regulus, so he didn’t think it’d be poisoned. Nor did he seem to care much about getting any
answers, so Regulus didn’t think he had to worry about vetiserum. Hesitantly, Regulus took a
bite, he paused but after a moment when he didn’t immediately drop dead, he took another
under Barty’s watchful gaze.

“A few more,” Barty urged, and Regulus knew there must have been something in the food
but there were hardly any better options. So Regulus obeyed, his heart thumping wildly in his
chest.
Eventually, Barty seemed satisfied with the amount Regulus had eaten and he whisked the
plate away. “Enjoy Reg!” He called over his shoulder. “Really, I’m doing you a favor.”

The door slammed shut and Regulus took a deep breath steadying himself. Trying not to
panic over what might come. It wasn’t long after when he felt the beginning of it—silence.

Pure, blissful silence.

He couldn’t hear his heart beating or the roar of his breath. Everything was still. His hands
didn’t tremble, there were no shadows lurking in his peripheral vision, no hands gripping his
wrists. He couldn’t feel his clothes against his skin. The smell of his little prison no longer
burned his nose. Most heavenly of all, Regulus’s mind had quieted—the loud roar faded to a
white hazy state.

A part of Regulus was screaming, someone locked far away, was begging him not to give in,
but there was nothing to be done. It was too late. He’d been drugged and he couldn’t undo the
effects now. He’d been drugged. He'd been clean for years.

The thought should have hurt but instead, Regulus giggled. He knew in some way it was a
bad thing, but it didn’t feel bad, not when everything was finally quiet.

--

On the sixth day of Regulus’s absence, James had come running down the stairs, his face
tight. “It’s gone.”

“What’s gone?” Sirius asked.

“The ring.”
He looked up, James hadn’t been wearing it since his breakdown weeks earlier, not since
Sirius had left it on his bedside table. “It’s missing?”

“Yes,” James bit out his voice strangled. “I- I didn’t even notice before now, but it’s gone.”

“James…” Lily said slowly. “Regulus took it.”

“What?”

The pure despair in his voice was enough to flip Sirius’s heart.

“I- I guess he saw it in your room and grabbed it a little while ago.”

“When?” James demanded.

“A few days before he… before he went missing,” Lily said her voice small.

Something in James seemed to crack.

--

Two weeks passed.

Two dreadful, heavy, dark weeks.

As shocking and awful as Regulus Black falling into their lives was, it’d brought something
they hadn’t had in a long time, hope. The thought that maybe they could win the war, maybe
Voldemort wasn’t unbeatable.

As the first week bled into the second, their determination faded. Sirius was distant, he
wouldn’t talk to anyone, wouldn’t listen. He blamed himself for failing Regulus yet again.
Remus was angry, working hard, staying up late, barely sleeping in hopes of finding some
clue to point them toward Regulus. Lily seemed to be at a loss, she wanted to be able to wave
her hand and fix things but she couldn’t, she couldn’t bring Regulus back.

And James? Well, he didn’t know how to describe how he was.

“You told me last week that someone in your life had gone missing. Has there been any
news?” Healer Potts asked him.

“No, nothing. I- I don’t know,” he said rubbing at his eyes. “I’m not sure what to do.
Everyone is falling apart, Sirius—it’s his brother and he’s just a mess. Lily and Remus are
both a wreck too.”

“And what about you James? How are you handling it?”

“I- I’m afraid of losing control again, I feel like I’m going to just… fly off the handle, I
thought the potions were supposed to help with that.”

“The potion helps regulate and prevent depressive and manic episodes,” she told him kindly.
“They can’t help you deal with your emotional reactions, that’s what we’re meeting for.
Someone close to you is missing, there’s nothing unusual about feeling out of control.”

“I just- we’re not close. Actually, I was downright awful to him not long before he went
missing. The thing is I meant it. He’s hurt me so many times, and I gave so much for him.
The last time we had a proper conversation I told him I wished he was dead, and I meant it. I
thought it would have been so much easier… but now, I- I don’t want him to be dead. I don’t
want to never see him again, even if it’s easier, even if seeing him hurts me. I need him back,
and I still hate him too. So I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to make sense of this.”
“It sounds like the two of you have a complicated relationship,” Healer Potts nodded. “I don’t
know if you’ll be able to make ‘sense’ out of the situation as you put it. Not everything in life
has sense.” James frowned at that, and she continued crossing her legs. “Does that bother
you?”

“Yes… I guess it shouldn’t, but I don’t like feeling as if I have no say over any of this.”

“Well, you can’t magically solve the situation. As much as you’d like to bring him back, or
wave your wand and ease your friend’s hurt. You can’t control that. Focus on what you can
do, take care of your actions and the way you want to treat the people around you. Don’t
ignore your own pain. Because those are the only things that are on you, James. It’s not your
responsibility to carry your friend’s pain for them, no matter how much you love them.”

Something clicked in James’s brain, there were things he could do. “Focus on what I can
do…” he said slowly.

“Exactly,” she said but the slight raise of her eyebrows told him she knew exactly the leaps
his brain was making. However, James didn’t comment on it and Healer Potts seemed to
decide to follow his lead.

It was only as she was walking him out that she said: “Be careful James, you take care of
yourself.”

James just nodded before hurrying out of the office. He’d convinced Lily to let him go alone
this time now that he was on his third session. He barely even paused as stopped to send a
patronus.

Professor McGonagall met him at the Hogwarts gates. “Is everything alright Mr. Potter?
Albus seemed to think you here for an urgent matter.”

“The alrightness of the situation depends on how willing the headmaster is to help me out,”
James told her quickly. He had no desire to waste time.
She blinked for a moment, probably surprised by his demeanor. James was hardly ever
anything less than charming. “Then let me escort you. Come quickly,” she said, turning, her
crisp robes sweeping behind her.

The castle was quiet, and James knew students must have been in their classes. The term had
just begun and clearly, most hadn’t begun to skip class just yet.

McGonagall left James at the gargoyle with the password and a small pat on the shoulder.
She was sharp enough to tell that something was wrong even if she didn’t know what.

James hurried up the winding staircase and let himself into the headmaster’s office without
bothering to knock. Dumbledore of course simply looked up from his desk looking entirely
unsurprised by James’s sudden entrance.

“Ah, James, how are you? Please take a seat.”

James simply stood; he had no interest in small talk. “Do you know why I’m here?”

Dumbledore looked at him calmly, clasping his long fingers together. “I assume there’s
something I can help you with?”

James scoffed. “Regulus Black,” he said coldly.

“Regulus Black,” Dumbledore repeated. “Is there something specifically about him?”

“You know,” James said harshly, refusing to play any games. “You know I had a relationship
with him in school, you know he wanted to get out. He came to you and begged you to help
him, did he not?”

The headmaster simply surveyed James for a long moment before nodding. “I was
approached by a young Regulus Black.”
“And you wouldn’t help him,” James said fiercely.

“I wanted to, but unfortunately, the youngest Black was so tightly held in his family’s
clutches. I couldn’t simply free him, it’d be too great a risk.”

“But you could if he agreed to be a spy for you?” James scoffed.

“No, I could offer him certain protections if he were to join the Order. He didn’t want to
entertain the idea and so there was nothing I could do.”

“You could have gotten him out!”

“And he could have left,” Dumbledore said simply, and James’s blood boiled.

“Yes! He could have but he was terrified, even if he pretended otherwise. Regardless of
whether it was true or not, he felt stuck. He felt like he had no other choice. But he’d tried, he
went to you and he tried! If you’d helped him, maybe things would have been okay! Maybe I
could have kept him! I loved Regulus and you took him from me!”

James’s breath came out in a gasp but Dumbledore seemed unruffled by his outburst. “Why
don’t you sit down, James?” he said gently.

“I don’t want to sit, I want him back!”

“I understand. You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to fall for a man you seem
doomed to lose. You’re not the first to wish to tear the world down for someone who by all
accounts, may not be good. Please sit.”
James didn’t know what to say to that and finally following the headmaster’s suggestion, he
sat stiffly.

“Regulus is alive,” James said hollowly. “You know.”

“I do. It became apparent after his appearance and Remus Lupin’s sudden departure.”

“Yeah,” James muttered, before raising his head, clenching his jaw determinedly. “Regulus is
gone. It’s been two weeks and there’s nothing. I need him back, I’ll do anything.”

“Well, you may be relieved to know that my informant with the Death Eaters had heard no
whisper of Regulus Black. They don’t have him.”

“Then who does?”

Dumbledore paused, light eyes examining James in a way that made him feel see-through.
“As I’m sure you can imagine, things have been difficult with one of our brightest young
minds running off with the key to ending the war, and the other half stepping back from
regular Order duties. I’ll make the safe assumption that you, Sirius Black, and Lily Evans are
involved with Remus Lupin and Regulus Black. We won’t win this war divided.”

“So, what do you want from me?” James demanded.

“I’m sure we can arrange a deal. You act as the bridge to cross this divide, and I’ll tell you
where I believe Regulus may be.”

“What- what would being this ‘bridge’ involve?”

“Nothing too taxing. I’m not asking you to betray your friends, James. We’re all on the same
side.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” James said slowly.

“Ah,” Dumbledore said in understanding. “A dangerous thing, Mr. Potter, to love someone so
much you’d choose them over anything.”

James wanted to flip his desk, to get away from the headmaster's stupid loaded comments. He
held back. “I’ll accept your deal,” James said crossing his arms. “But you keep in mind, my
loyalty doesn’t lie with the Order. I want this war over more than almost anything… almost
anything. Do you get that? I will always choose the people I love first. I’m not on your side
or Voldemort’s side, I’m on Regulus’s.”

James was surprised to see a quick flash of old sadness in Dumbledore’s eyes, gone as
suddenly as it appeared. “As I said, you are not the first, nor will you be the last to love a man
this way. I only hope that you will not one day end up on the other side of each other’s
wand.”

“I won’t let that happen.”

Dumbledore just nodded. “Then we have a deal.” The old headmaster stood, straightening out
his robes and taking a few long strides to glance out his large window. “There has been a
certain Death Eater I've been watching for some time—Barty Crouch Jr. He became erratic
after losing someone close to him.” Dumbledore glanced back at James. “I’d say you’re very
familiar with the things a person will do for love. The younger Mr. Crouch is consumed with
revenge after the loss of Evan Rosier. It’s likely he blames Regulus for his lover’s death,
seeing as it was Regulus Black’s dying words that allowed us to set a trap. One that ended
with Evan’s death. Barty’s family owns an old house in the countryside, it’s fallen into disuse
over the years. It’s very secluded, a good place to hold someone…”

“Give me the address,” James demanded.

Dumbledore nodded, looking unperturbed by James’s sharp tone. In looping handwriting, he

quickly scrawled an address on a piece of parchment before turning and handing it to James.
He stood quickly, not paying the headmaster a second thought.
“Remember, James,” Dumbledore called after him. “You’ll be expected to uphold your end of
the bargain.”

James swallowed down the bitter taste of guilt, as he hurried down the winding staircase.
He’d only done what he had to do. Surely, his friends would forgive him… right?

--

The last time Barty saw Dorcas he was on the other side of her wand. He’d warned her as
soon as she started hanging out with those Gryffindors and dating the McKinnon girl. He said
they were going to end up on opposite sides of a war. It’d been a joke, Evan had laughed, and
Pandora had just nodded her head. Regulus looked like he wanted to throw up.

Dorcas had looked at him, dark eyes contemplative.

“I hope that’s not true. If it is that may say something about my poor taste in friends.”

And Dorcas, as it turned out, had very, very poor taste in friends. Every single one of them
but Pandora had joined the Dark Lord. Regulus had regretted it. He'd been sick with the
violence. Evan had just squared his jaw and never said a word about how he felt. His family
expected it from him just as Regulus’s did. Barty’s parents didn’t expect it, which was exactly
why he did it, really. One last fuck you to his father. He signed his life away, any bit of
goodness that might have lingered. Though Barty wasn’t like Regulus he wasn’t soft, he
wasn’t hoping for a way out. He wanted it, the power the control.

Dorcas had dropped Regulus gently, or as gently as you could drop a friend who’d become
the enemy. He’d left school before any of them. Barty was sure his parents had seen him
slipping. They saw the force trying to tug Regulus Black away and they’d acted quickly
before they could lose another son. Dorcas had probably believed in him so long because she
saw that, the lingering. Eventually, though, she turned her back.
When she dropped Barty it was bloody. A screaming match and bared teeth, ripping into each
other. Barty had laughed and Dorcas—Dorcas Meadowes, the toughest, brightest young
witch, steel of fucking spine—had cried. Eyes blazing, glassy. She never said this wasn’t him
or that he was better. She’d known, had probably always known. But sometimes when you
love someone you turn a blind eye.

And so it happened, five days before she died, nearly bringing them down singlehandedly to
avenge her girlfriend. Barty had wound up with Dorcas’s wand to his forehead and he’d
laughed, she hadn’t cried this time, hadn’t flinched. She would have killed him if she hadn’t
been interrupted and Barty wouldn’t have minded terribly. If it had to be someone, he would
have preferred it was Dorcas. Five days later she was dead, killed by the Dark Lord himself.
Barty felt proud of her honestly.

Pandora had stuck around longer. She’d tried, they weren’t on opposite sides of the war but
only because Pandora refused to join. If she had, there was no doubt they would have been.
She tried until they were standing at Regulus’s grave.

Barty had just stared, taking in the curve of Regulus’s name on the stone. The way it was
etched in, permanent, forever. The terrible thing was Barty had mourned. He’d stood there at
the fresh grave, breath coming out in puffs and he had been doubled over by grief. Even
though he knew it was Regulus’s own fault, that he’d been weak. A part of Barty ached
because not many people knew that in the deepest, most hidden parts of Regulus Black, he
was soft. Far too soft for any of it. That was the last time Barty ever cried, with Pandora’s
soft hand on his shoulder and Evan at his other side.

Two days later Evan died, and Barty didn’t think he ever felt anything again.

Then Barty saw Regulus again, standing next to that redhead mudblood, cheeks warm in the
sun. Talking, breathing, alive. That day, something in him had tried. It had stretched his
fingers, roared in his chest, trying its best to break free. He’d almost felt something, seeing
Regulus there, and then it was gone, just as quickly. Sure, Barty had loved Regulus once, but
he didn’t feel a thing now. So he didn’t think about loving him, He didn’t think that this was
once his friend, all he thought was that this was the person who was responsible for Evan’s
death. It was okay when Barty thought Regulus had died, there was no revenge to be had.
When he realized he hadn't… well, Barty had made a vow to avenge Evan, he had to uphold
it.

He might have felt bad for Regulus if he could feel, but he couldn’t, so there was nothing to
be done. Really, Regulus was still just too soft, and he’d lived far longer than he was
supposed to anyway.

Barty had loved Regulus once. He didn’t now.

--

Regulus dreamed, or not exactly.

He was fairly certain he was awake, at least he could see his own hands. He held them up
watching them flicker in the dim light. So yes, he was awake, but he wasn’t really there. His
mind was far, far away, hazy and light. It was nice, very nice. He’d always wished he could
just live like this, constantly doped up enough on drugs that his mind couldn’t even break
through the fog. Instead, sometimes, he would need to be present, the potions a small
comforting presence. But Regulus didn’t want comfort, he wanted to forget. He wanted the
potions to be so thick he couldn’t think a single thought. Now, Barty had been kind enough to
dose him so high, that he’d finally reached that feeling of unworried bliss. Sure, he could
distantly feel his heart aching. Sure, the very small rational part of himself that was still
clinging on, was screaming. Insisting that he was far too close to overdosing, but he didn’t
mind. Barty didn’t even bother with the food anymore, just handed him the bottle which
Regulus took eagerly. Barty would leave him just long enough for the edge of sobriety to start
creeping up, for the panic to fight its way in. Regulus would start to shiver, the pain of
coming down weighing on him, and then Barty would swoop in just in time. When Barty
started injecting Regulus, he’d been too far gone to even argue. He simply held his arm out
and let the sweet relief sweep through his veins.

He didn’t know how many days had passed, and honestly, he didn’t care. At some point, his
torso had begun to bleed and Regulus had just giggled, his blood was pretty as it painted his
hands. It reminded him of that stupid red sweater James used to wear, how Regulus had made
fun of his enthusiastic Gryffindor pride.

The thought didn’t even sting as he imagined the way the red sweater brought out the warm
brown of James’s eyes and made his golden skin glow. All Regulus could think was that he
missed James, even in all the hatred and anger. He missed his brother who had just begun to
accept him back into his life. Regulus missed Remus’s comforting hand and sharp wit. He
missed Lily’s constant smile, the way she could light up any room and always had a book
suggestion for him. He missed Harry and the way the little boy didn’t know or care about the
kind of person Regulus may or may not have been. He never hesitated to climb in Regulus's
lap and laugh delightedly when Regulus let the child carefully tug at his curls. He missed that
stupidly homey house Lily and James had made together. The way the fire was always going
regardless of the weather, and how someone was always making tea. Even among all the
tension and complicated relationships, somehow Regulus had begun to feel comfortable
there.

He awoke to the sound of his heart beating. That was the first sign that was no longer under
the influence. He could hear and feel every little thing around him, it hurt his head, slicing
through his brain. Regulus waited. He knew the pattern by now, knew Barty would come
soon with another needle. He didn’t. Sobriety kept creeping its hands around Regulus’s throat
until the pain of withdrawal filled his senses. The noise was back, louder than ever, his mind
was screaming begging him to get up, get out, fight. He couldn’t. Regulus couldn’t even
breathe through the agony, his fever was raging. There was blood on his hands. He prayed,
begged, and sobbed for the sweet relief of the potions, but Barty never came.

Regulus was sure he was dying, he was sure this was it, and suddenly he didn’t want this to
be the way he went. What a fucking disappointment that would be. He could imagine Sirius’s
voice, his scoff. “Oh, my brother? Yeah, he defected, survived on the run for years while
hunting Horcruxes, and then died because he’s a weak, pathetic drug addict."

That wasn’t how Regulus wanted to die. He’d have rather gone in the cave instead of this.
Even if his brother never knew what he’d done. Even if the world ended up thinking of
Regulus Black as a Death Eater, a coward, that would have been better.

Regulus wasn’t sure what was worse, dying on a Tuesday or not knowing what day it was at
all.

--

It was two months before James walked away for good, that Regulus gave James his ring.
James used to watch it, eyes fixed on Regulus’s fingers. Following the star, transfixed by the
glittering jewel. When they were lying in silence, James would take Regulus’s hand between
his own and trace the ring with his finger. This was when James used to talk, rambling,
painful words about his dreams and possibilities. Barely concealed hope tinging his voice,
because for a very long time, right up until the end, the tiniest part of James had continued to
hope. Regulus had hated that. He hated it because that hope put expectations on him.
Regulus didn’t want James to imagine any future with him, not when he knew there was
none. So, when he’d engraved two small words on the band of his beloved ring, it was
probably cruel. What-if. There weren’t any what-ifs when it came to James Potter and
Regulus Black. Regulus’s gift was a goodbye. When he’d pressed it into James’ hands, he
stepped closed and whispered into his shoulder.

“I want you to keep hoping." It was a suicide note, in every way that Regulus could not write
it.

James’s face had twisted when he caught sight of the words. He’d tried to hand the ring back,
but Regulus hadn’t taken it. “No,” he’d whispered, his voice strangled.

“I want you to be able to have a piece of me. I want some proof somewhere that you and I
had each other.”

And that’d been it ‘had’, past tense. That wasn’t the moment they stepped back, but it
became obvious suddenly, that it was coming. Regulus had made his choice.

He wasn’t about to write a note and tie a noose, but joining the Death Eaters was as good as
doing so. It’d kill him, James knew it and so did Regulus. He may have been cold, sharp, and
cruel at times, but Regulus Black never had the stomach of a senseless killer. He couldn’t
raise his wand to a person’s head and kill them simply because they were a muggleborn or
some other faction that fell short of meeting the Death Eater’s demands. Not to say Regulus
wasn’t a killer. He could do it, cast a killing curse in an instant if he believed the person
deserved it. The problem was he didn’t believe anyone the Death Eaters targeted did.

He killed them anyway. Maybe not by his own hands, but he caused more deaths than he
could ever count. Regulus made the potions, modified spells. He put weapons in the Dark
Lord’s hands. Maybe he held back, maybe he kept the darkest and most deadly inventions
safely trapped in his own head, but still, he killed people. There were only two ways it should
have ended. Either Regulus drugged himself right into death's waiting hands, or one day the
Dark Lord asked him to do something he couldn’t. Neither was a very respectable option, but
he'd resigned himself to it.
He was going to die, and soon no doubt. It was only ever a matter of how soon. So that ring,
giving up the only piece of himself he could, was a suicide note. An apology, an ‘I love you’,
and a goodbye. James had known, he’d cried as he’d curled his fingers around the ring.
Regulus had just stepped close and wiped James’s tears. He would have liked to say that was
the last time they didn’t hurt each other, but really, the ring was a weapon. A lingering
childish desire to keep a promise which was already broken.

Regulus had known it would probably be the last time they were in a room together and
either of them was willing to let any walls down. So, he’d held James close, and tried to
soothe some of the pain. “I’ve had this ring my entire life, it might be the only thing in the
world that feels entirely mine. I don’t want to die without it, Jamie, so keep it. I’ll have to
come get it from you before I die, might buy me enough time to survive.”

James hadn’t tried to give it back after that. Instead, he’d put it on a chain and tucked it under
his collar where his heart would beat against it every day and night for years.

On that Tuesday, folding up his letter to Dumbledore, he’d gone to close the library door, and
he’d paused. Regulus had thought of the ring. He knew he was walking to his death without
it. For only the briefest moment, Regulus had considered what it might be like to see James
one more time. He’d wondered what might have happened if he were to ask for the ring back,
would James give it? Would he try to stop Regulus? He hadn’t entertained the thought for
more than a split-second, but still, he’d hovered in the doorway, halfway between his death
and life. Then, Regulus had stepped back into the library, and written a note that couldn’t
convey even a little bit of the things he had to say to James Potter. He’d signed ‘love’ before
his initials. Regulus couldn’t say ‘I love you’ not like this, not when he never had before, but
‘love, R.A.B’ that was close enough. That was all he was able to offer. He’d left the letter, and
keyed the wards to let James in. It was all on the off chance that he’d even come.

It wasn’t until after, still coughing up water, trying to heal the wounds the inferi had left on
his skin, that Regulus wondered if that fucking ring had saved him. Was there any real power
in a simple promise? No. But the small illogical part of Regulus thought that maybe, it’d
bound him somehow. Maybe he really couldn’t die without that little ring.

--

Lily thought of Mary Macdonald. She thought of her smile and her wild curls, the way her
laugh was never restrained or self-conscious. How she lit up every room unapologetically.
 Lily watched the people she loved shatter right in front of her. She thought of war, the only
thing they knew. A constant in humanity, regardless of whether a person used a gun or a
wand, it was the same. She’d gone to school as a muggle, done the history units, and visited
the museums. She’d heard of unspeakable acts. She'd seen it on the news over the summer,
riots and bigotry, hatred after hatred, and for what? Fear? That was what it came down to,
wasn’t it? Muggles feared, they feared the power of other countries, the color of a person skin
or the people they chose to love. And wizards—as much as they claimed to be superior,
feared much of the same. Sirius and Remus had always had to hide their relationship from
people, Mary had been victim to bigoted behavior based on her skin color. There was still
war, still pain, still fear, only aided by magic. They were all still simply humans, dead set on
destroying each other.

So, Lily thought of war, and she thought of peace as well. She imagined Mary somewhere in
America, maybe in New York City, surrounded by the bustle of city life. Some kind of fancy
businesswoman or rich socialite, perhaps. Or maybe she was on a farm somewhere, working
hard, outdoing all her competition, basking in the sun. Maybe she was on a beach, hair
whipping in the salty air, free and uncaring. Lily imagined she was next to her, the sun
warming their skin. She reached for a hand that wasn’t there, when Lily opened her eyes
there was no beach, no sun, all she saw was her ceiling and a heavy, gnawing shadow of war.

“There’s no match for the blood,” Remus said tiredly. “Somebody put protections up so they
couldn’t be found in the database… I- I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.”

Lily didn’t either.

--

Somewhere, in a cold cellar, far from anyone he loved. Regulus Black’s breath became
shallower, his eyes fluttered shut. There clutched in his hand, was a small ring with a star-
shaped gem, two words etched on the inside of the band.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you for your patience babes <3

So sorry about the cliffhanger last chapter and I'm sorry about doing it again! However,
I'm caught up with the next chapter and everything is as I want it now so I will update
again on Friday to make up for making you all wait last week.

I've been having a hard time lately with my mental health and school is starting back up
next week so I was feeling some pressure. THEN a tiktok of mine about this fic got
quite a bit of attention which made me feel a little overwhelmed because I was putting
more pressure on myself since more ppl are reading it. However, at the end of the day, I
am a simple young adult writing for fun in her free time and no one is holding me to
those standards but myself. I love putting this stuff out for you guys and seeing your
reactions.

Anyway, I needed a tiny break from this fic and in the past week I started and wrote 60k
words of a Jegulus band AU which I already started posting if u wanna check it out :) if
you want a still angsty but mostly lighter fun fic to read compared to this one, it's called
antithesis (I accidentally made a theme as this one is called anti-hero, which I thought
was funny actually).

find me on tumblr

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet

See you friday my loves!

 Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Chapter Eighteen

The front door slammed open, and Lily rose from the sofa looking concerned “James? How
was your appointment. I was starting to get worried you took so long—” she paused
suddenly, realizing something was off “James?”

“I think I found him,”

“What?”

“Regulus,” James told her quickly ignoring the way her eyes widened as she then glanced to
Sirius and Remus “I think I know where he is.”

“How?” Sirius demanded.

“Doesn’t matter,” James brushed him off hoping they’d focus more on the finding Regulus
part than how he’d acquired the information “I think Barty has him. His family owns
property in the countryside, it’s empty year-round and secluded. I have the address; we need
to go now.”

“How did you even come to this conclusion?” Remus asked brow furrowed, of course, he
wasn’t one to let pieces of a puzzle fall through the cracks “where did you get this
information?”
“Interesting therapy session,” James shrugged, as Remus opened his mouth James held a
hand up to cut him off “at this moment would you rather waste time drilling me, or go
bringing Regulus home?”

Remus only paused for a moment before he was grabbing his wand off the table “don’t think
I’ll forget about this, but fine let’s go.”

Lily who was tying her hair up in a tight ponytail nodded, “Let me just firecall Molly, and see
if Harry can stay the night.”

Twenty minutes later, they touched down on an empty gravel road. There was no sign of life
for miles aside from the single house in the distance.

“That’s it?” Sirius asked quietly, even though they were still much too far for anyone to hear.

“Must be,” Lily said looking to James who just nodded.

“Why would Barty want Regulus?” Sirius asked, “weren’t they friends?”

“They were, but Barty blames Regulus for Evan Rosier’s death, from what I understand,”
James said not looking at any of his friend’s faces as they walked toward the lone house.

Sirius frowned “what is it with him and that Evan kid? All I’ve heard about is how crazy
Barty went after he died.”

“I think they were…” James gestured vaguely “together.”

“Oh, really? Merlin, how many bent students is Hogwarts hiding?”

Remus rolled his eyes “I can’t really think of that many.”

“Well, there was you and me, Barty and Evan, Dorcas and Marlene…” Sirius paused for a
moment of flicker of something painful crossing his face before he brushed it off and
continued “Regulus, and James, I guess you’re at least partially bent aren’t you?”

James just shrugged “something like that,” he muttered.

The dark expression on James’ face seemed to kill any efforts to alleviate their anxiety. They
fell into a heavy silence for the rest of the short walk as the gravity of the situation seemed to
sink in.

When they reached the edge of the massive property Sirius stopped suddenly “What if he’s
dead?”

No one seemed to know how to answer that, by the fear evident on everyone’s faces, they’d
all already had the same thought.

“He can’t be,” James said eventually “I haven’t gotten the chance to punch him in the face
yet,”

“Oi, no punching my brother,” he protested halfheartedly.

“I might not,” James said, and he didn’t mean for it to be an admission, but he must have
given something away because a strange understanding flashed in Sirius’s eyes. Taking a
shuddering breath Sirius raised his wand glancing towards the house and that seemed to spur
everyone forward.

“There are wards,” Remus muttered.

“Then how do we get through?” Sirius asked.

Remus frowned and James could see the gears in his mind turning “they’re not especially
powerful, Barty probably didn’t think he’d be bothered out here… there’s a spell, I- I’ve
never actually done it, but Regulus taught me…” He trailed off uncertainly.

“Just try,” Lily urged.

Remus took a deep breath nodding. He held up his wand, casting a complex spell under his
breath, for a moment James could actually see the outline of the wards before they seemed to
suddenly fade away.

“What was that spell?” Lily asked in shock “I didn’t know that was even possible.”

“Regulus created it,” Remus said quietly.

“Jesus,” Lily muttered “damn genius he is.

Remus just nodded, looking towards the house once again, “why don’t two of us take the
front and the others take the back?” He suggested.

“Good idea,” Lily agreed quickly “I’ll go with Sirius and Remus with James. That way we
can have balanced teams based on our strong suits.”

“Alright,” Remus nodded “smart. James and I can take the back, you two front?”

They all nodded in agreement and with a couple of squeezed shoulders and whispered threats
to be careful, they went their separate ways.

The house was silent as James and Remus slipped through the back door, they looked around
keeping their footsteps light. The house was surprisingly airy, clearly, some kind of vacation
home, meant to get a breath of fresh air in the countryside.

They walked through the hallway into a dimly lit dining room, and James froze, because
there, sitting on the table, was Regulus’s wand. He and Remus shared a wide-eyed gaze and
James quickly snatched it up, if Regulus wasn’t here somewhere, at least he had been, the
question was, where the hell was Barty?

There was a loud crash and James startled, meeting Remus’s eyes as they stood deathly still.
Then there were voices, Sirius’s loud and clear “where’s my brother?” a moment later there
was his a yell of pain and Lily’s scream. James bolted, ignoring Remus who tried to grab his
wrist, cursing after him as James broke free.

“James, wait!”

But James was already running towards the sound, he stopped breathlessly in a shadowed
hallway, to take in the scene. Sirius was on the ground blood covering his hands and Lily was
bent over him, hand pressed to his shoulder.

“…just blew a hole through my fucking shoulder, you maniac!” Sirius was saying, despite the
blood he looked more livid than hurt.

“You did break and enter,” Barty laughed carelessly “I’d say you deserve it,”

“You kidnapped my brother!”

“Oh, I did, didn’t I? Unfortunately, you can’t have him back, see I have some very fun plans
and then I’m sure the Dark Lord would love to have a go with him. Though I suppose he may
simply have to go without, as fun as it would be to dish Reg up. He may actually be dead by
now, I was going to go check before you so rudely broke into my house.”

“You fucking bastard!” Sirius cursed “you better hope he’s not dead, or I will tear you limb
from limb.”
“Hm, under other circumstances that might be worrying, but as of right now I have you and
your little mudblood’s wands, and you’re bleeding out on my floor. So, I don’t feel very
threatened.”

James moved without stopping to think, grabbing Barty from behind and putting his wand to
his throat “well maybe you should, because if you don’t tell us where Regulus is I will kill
you, believe me.”

Barty froze for only a second, going tense in James' grip before laughing “Potter… really, I
should have known, he said nodding to Sirius, “never one without the other.”

“I’m not interested in playing games,” He said, his voice deathly calm “either you tell us
where he is willingly, or I force you.”

“You don’t scare me, Potter,” Barty scoffed “you’re too softhearted,”

James didn’t hesitate, simply flicked his wand down to cast a curse at Barty’s foot, he yelped
in pain as blood bloomed from the wound. “Clearly, you underestimate the lengths I’d go to
for Regulus Black,” he hissed.

It only took Barty a moment before he clicked his tongue knowingly “Ah, so you were his
little affair, weren’t you? Hm, I’ll give it to you, that’s surprising.”

James sent another deep slicing curse at Barty’s arm causing him to drop all three of the
wands he was holding, “Next one is your throat,” James warned quietly. “Where is he?”

“Fine, fine,” Barty muttered, his blood dripping to the wood floor “he’s downstairs, but you
can’t kill me if he’s dead.”
“No, if he’s dead I will take you apart bit-by-bit, I think Sirius had a smart idea about the
limb thing, rip a couple off, see how it feels.”

Barty scoffed but didn’t struggle too much as James released the arm around his neck poking
him sharply with his wand “Lead the way,”

Remus who had stayed hidden thus far stepped out of the shadows, wand also trained at
Barty’s head “Merlin, how many of you are there?” Barty complained.

“Should have set better wards,” Remus shrugged.

Sirius tried to move to follow them as Barty led them to a door on the far side of the room,
but Lily quickly pushed him back down, grabbing her wand from where it had fallen and
casting him a sharp look.

“We’ll get him,” Remus assured Sirius quietly before following James and Barty down a long
set of stairs. At the bottom was a heavy metal door, heavily padlocked.

“Why not just ward it?” Remus asked frowning as Barty began the long process of unlocking
each lock.

“He’s tricky with that shit, isn’t he?” Barty raised an eyebrow “sometimes the best defense is
brute force when it comes to the smart ones.”

He unlocked the last lock and James quickly snatched the ring of keys from the death eater,
lest he try to throw them in and lock the door. “You first,” James growled, pressing his wand
to the back of Barty’s neck.

Barty just sighed dramatically before stepping into the cellar.

The room was cold and dark, there were no windows, and the only source of light came from
an old light fixed to the ceiling high above. The floor was hard concrete, and an unpleasant
chill seemed to lurk in the walls. In the corner, curled up into himself, lay the still body of
Regulus Black. It was a good thing Remus kept his wand trained on Barty because all
rational thought left James’ head as soon as he spotted the impossibly still figure. James
barely dared to breathe as he fell to his knees over Regulus’s form. He was even smaller than
he used to be, the knobs of his spine poking out from the back of his neck. The floor around
him was covered in blood, both fresh and dried. His curls were damp, stuck to his forehead
and James lived the longest few seconds of his life as he reached out, feeling as if he were
moving in slow motion. The moment that James pressed his fingers to Regulus’s throat, he
felt the world pause, everything just stopped. James thought that if there was a god, he must
have been holding his breath in that terrible moment before James knew whether Regulus
Black was dead or alive. He let out an audible sob when he felt it, faint, weak, but there. The
smallest beat of Regulus’s pulse against James’s fingers.

Before James could do anything there was a groan of pain behind him and James turned just
as Remus was flung against the wall, blood running down his face, clearly punched hard by
Barty. The death eater was scrambling for Remus’s wand and James acted on instinct,
sending a stunner at him. He didn’t intend the power behind the spell, he didn’t expect the
weight of James’ emotions to send Barty flying into the far wall, he didn’t expect the loud
crack as Barty's skull met the unforgiving stone and he slumped over.

James knew distantly that he’d probably just killed a man, and for a moment he and Remus
just stared at Barty’s unmoving form. Then, there was a soft sound, barely even a whimper,
but enough to tear James’ attention from the lifeless death eater.

“Regulus?” He whispered.

His eyes opened, only the smallest bit. He blinked up at James for a moment before his eyes
fluttered shut again, shifting slightly. James’ eyes fell on his now exposed arm, scarred dark
mark visible and… track marks. Clear spots where a needle had punched through Regulus’s
skin. Bile rose in James’ throat, and he thought it was lucky Barty was dead because if he
hadn’t been, he would have suffered a far worse fate. James shrugged off his jacket, covering
the marks just in time for Remus to stagger over, wiping blood from his face. He looked
horrified as he took in Regulus’s broken form, and James understood the feeling.

He carefully lifted up Regulus’s shirt peering at his torso, it was sticky with blood and it
seemed his injury from Malfoy Manor had been reopened, it looked gruesome, probably
infected. James was no expert in healing spells, but he’d healed Regulus more than enough
times and he discreetly healed the track marks before casting a quick scan. Maybe he wasn’t
on Lily’s level, but it was enough to tell him it’d be safe to move Regulus, and he
straightened quickly.

“Let’s get him out of this place,” James whispered looking around the room.

Remus nodded glancing back at Barty as James very carefully gathered Regulus in his arms.

“Barty’s dead,” Remus said.

“I know,”

“You’re okay?”

“I will be once he’s out of here,”

Remus seemed to agree, and he quickly stood as well, holding the heavy door open for
James.

He moved carefully, wincing as each step jostled Regulus slightly, when he finally made it up
the stairs and into the living room Sirius let out a strangled sob at the sight of his brother.

“He’s alive,” Remus said quickly, shutting the door to the stairs behind him.

“Barty?” Lily asked in a small voice.

“Isn’t,” Remus said simply, and James was glad he didn’t go into detail.
Sirius was no longer bleeding so badly, and he had a bandage wrapped around his shoulder,
Lily needed little urging to abandon Sirius’s healing as James carefully lay Regulus on the
sofa.

James didn’t want to step back, but he knew Lily needed room to work and he started to
withdraw only for a hand to catch his. Regulus’s hand was freezing, and his grip was weak,
but it was enough to stop James dead. He glanced to Lily.

“Just stay to the side for now,” she said softly, setting up her med kit as her eyes blazed in
determination. If anyone could help Regulus, Lily Evans could, she’d already brought him
from the brink of death once.

As Lily set to work, cutting off Regulus’s shirt, he could hear Remus whispering
comfortingly to Sirius behind them, but all he could focus on was Regulus’s hand in his.
Regulus’s hand twitched pressing into James’ and he realized suddenly that Regulus was
holding something. He let the small object fall into his palm, pulling it out from between their
joined finger with his free hand. James sucked in a choked sob as he realized it was Regulus’s
ring, still glinting brightly on its chain beneath the dirt and blood caked on the stone.

“You’re giving it back?” James whispered not expecting a response, however, he felt Regulus
squeeze his hand ever so slightly and James squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay, and you can’t die
without it, okay? That’s the deal” he whispered “so I’m going to keep this. You can’t have it
back this time.”

Lily glanced at James regretfully and he knew it was time to give her space to work, giving
Regulus’s hand one last squeeze, he let go, and this time Regulus let him.

James clutched the ring in his hands, raising it to the light for only a moment before
untangling the chain and clasping it around his neck where it’d lived since he was sixteen,
resting just above his heart. This time, James didn’t bother to hide it beneath his collar.

--

Regulus awoke to pain.

His head was on fire, his throat burned and every bone and muscle in his body ached. His
torso felt tight and he could feel the pulsing pain of his old injury, sending fire up his spine.

Everything hurt almost unimaginably so, yet what Regulus noticed most strikingly, was that
he wasn’t cold.

Opening his eyes might have been the hardest thing he ever did, he felt as if his eyelids had
been stitched shut, but eventually, he pried them open, shocked as he was met with the ceiling
of his bedroom.

Well, no, not his. The guest room at James and Lily’s house, the one he’d been staying in for
weeks now. At first, Regulus thought it might not be real, he blinked again, but nothing
changed. The room was quiet, and warm, the bed was soft. Sunlight was breaking through the
curtains, leaving specks of light across the floorboards. Regulus’s wand was on the table and
on a chair next to the bed, was a shirt, folded neatly. He sat up, ignoring the way his head
spun. There was water on the bedside table, and he reached for it, gulping down the glass
greedily. His throat still burned, but at least he felt a little more awake.

Regulus was sure he set a record for the longest it ever took a person to get out of bed, but
eventually, he was able to stand, taking deep breaths as the room spun around him. Once he
didn’t think he would collapse as soon as he took a step, he grabbed the shirt, wincing as he
buttoned it, stopping halfway when it hurt to lift his arms any futher. It was James’ shirt, a
soft red flannel. Regulus had borrowed clothes from both Remus and Sirius recently as he
was the only one who hadn’t had access to his full wardrobe. Sirius had popped over to his
flat and collected Remus’s but Regulus’s clothes were in Italy and they hadn’t prioritized a
shopping trip. Until that point, Regulus had avoided borrowing anything from James, and
under different circumstances, he might have complained. However, he only felt slightly
shameful as he took comfort in the way the shirt smelled like James, familiar and warm. It
was grounding and eventually, Regulus found the strength to take a step and then another.
Fuck, he needed a pain potion.

Regulus was fairly certain he almost died six times trying to get down the stairs but
eventually, he made it down and into the kitchen where Lily immediately shrieked “What the
hell is wrong with you? Regulus, you can’t be up!”
Regulus just shrugged shakily, reminded as all eyes fell on him, of a very similar scene some
months ago. He couldn’t believe that then, he hadn’t even known Lily yet, and now she
wrapped an arm around his waist helping him to the sofa. He tried to protest but Regulus
knew he’d nearly thrown up trying to simply walk down the stairs, so he was in no place to
fight her.

“Feeling alright?” Sirius asked, his voice uncharacteristically small as they all moved to the
living room.

Lily had procured a pillow from somewhere and she helped Regulus lay back before draping
the blanket over him.

“Been better,” Regulus said weakly, his voice was rough with disuse as he spoke and he
cleared his throat, ignoring how loud it sounded in his own ears. “What happened to Barty?”
he asked.

Regulus didn’t miss the way Sirius shifted awkwardly and Remus's eyes suddenly darted to
James.

“Uh, he’s dead,” Remus said quietly.

“How?”

There was a moment of silence as Remus clasped his hands together nervously.

“I killed him,” James said finally, and Regulus was forced to really look at him for the first
time. Slivers of memory were beginning to return to him, and Regulus remembered James’
scent and the warmth of his hand.

“Why?”
“It was an accident,” he paused “but I probably would have done it anyway,” and something
harsh glinted in James’ eye, his gaze flicking almost imperceptibly down to Regulus’s arm,
and he knew instantly.

The needle marks from the drugs had been gone when he woke up, no one had mentioned
them yet, but it was clear to Regulus that James knew.

“Okay,” Regulus said quietly because he didn’t know what else to say. “I don’t really know
what happened. How’d you find me?”

“James did,” Remus said slowly “still hasn’t told us how, he knew it was Barty who had
you,” he said glancing at his friend suspiciously.

“Doesn’t matter at the moment,” James muttered, and Remus’s eyes narrowed.

“Well,” Lily cut in “we ambushed him to get you. We were just in time too, you were in
pretty bad shape, starving, dehydrated plus your old injury was open too. You were running
the edge of a fever as well, but I’m still not sure why, there’s no sign of infection, by some
miracle.”

Regulus frowned, of course, he’d been running a fever, he was going through withdrawal.
Even though the drugs would have been out of his system, surely Lily would have known
that, it would have been obvious when she healed the track marks. Yet, she showed no signs
of knowing, simply shrugging.

Suddenly, Regulus remembered a flash of a moment, James leaning over him, the gentle
touch of his healing spell. He wasn’t even sure it was a proper memory at first, as he had a
very similar moment during his fifth year. James’s hand on his wrist, his tight voice as he
healed the marks on Regulus’s inner arm “You can’t be doing this,” he had hissed. Regulus
had told him other Slytherins were doing it too. It was only a bit of harmless fun, but of
course, it hadn’t been.

He glanced to James who met his gaze for a moment, his eyes were intense like he was trying
to pry Regulus apart with just a look. Regulus’s ring was back around James’ neck, now,
clearly visible. He wondered if James was upset that Regulus had taken it, but when he’d
seen it lying there after their fight… well, he hadn’t thought James would care, he’d even
mentioned giving the ring back.

Regulus was sure, even as he broke James’ gaze, that he knew about the potions. It didn’t
seem anyone else did. For some unknown reason, James had hidden the evidence of the drugs
from everyone else and not said a word. Regulus didn’t understand. Why would he do that?
Why go to such lengths to find Regulus and protect him, a man who only weeks before James
said he wished was dead?

“I grabbed something off of Barty right before he died,” Remus said breaking Regulus out of
the confines of his thoughts “a pocket watch, belonging to Voldemort’s father I think.”

“The Horcrux?” Regulus asked, eyes widening.

“Yes,” Remus agreed shaking his head “can’t believe you got kidnapped and still managed to
find another Horcrux.”

“It was in the Riddle house,” Regulus said, “I guess Barty got to it first, killed a Boggart,” he
added in offense, “awful thing to do,”

For the first time since Regulus had come down, Sirius smiled “You and those damn
creatures, Reggie,” he shook his head “glad to know some things never change,”

Regulus just shrugged under Sirius’s smile, but something about the words made him feel
warm. It just felt so affectionate and brotherly, he was glad. Regulus didn’t know why he’d
feared that would have changed if he came back, that Sirius would realize their relationship
wasn’t worth the effort and pain it caused. But now, his big brother was looking at him was a
fond smile, one Regulus knew well from when they were kids. It was normally accompanied
by a pinch to his cheek or if Sirius was feeling particularly protective, a kiss to the hair and a
whispered “love you, Reggie.”

Sirius had been the only person to be soft with Regulus for most of his life and suddenly
Regulus needed that so badly, to put his head on his brother’s shoulder and cry like he was
six and Sirius was patching up his wounds. At that moment, Regulus felt so achingly young,
like a child that just needed to be held.

Sirius seemed to see something in his eyes, because the smile melted from his face, replaced
by something far more serious. He glanced at his friends for a moment, before back to
Regulus, standing slowly.

Remus quickly straightened “Uh, why don’t we go start lunch,” he said grabbing both Lily
and James by the hand and forcing them to follow him into the kitchen.

Sirius and Regulus were left in a soft silence, the faint hum of Lily’s voice was coming from
the other room and Regulus closed his eyes, letting the sound wash over him. It was so warm
and familiar that Regulus wasn’t sure how he’d ever lived a life without Lily Evans in it.

“Reg,” Sirius whispered, and he opened his eyes.

“Sirius,”

“I-“ he stopped shrugging helplessly, Sirius had never been the best with words but Regulus
didn’t mind. He simply reached out a hand weakly and Sirius reacted instantly, stepping
forward.

Regulus winced scooting to the side so Sirius could join him on the sofa, and he did, putting
an arm around him carefully. As Sirius tucked Regulus into his side, Regulus was suddenly
glad he had never grown taller than Sirius. His brother was still larger, less skinny, and fragile
than Regulus ever was, and as stupid as it probably was, Regulus felt safe, protected in his
arms. It was only the second time they’d done something like this since the time on the
porch, but it wasn’t as awkward as Regulus would have thought. At the end of the day, even
after everything, Sirius still just felt like his brother.

“I know you’ll say it’s not my fault,” Sirius whispered, “but I can’t help but feel like I failed
you again.”
“You didn’t,” Regulus said ferociously, “we’re adults Sirius. I know the kind of life I live; I
know the risks. I knew exactly what would happen when I betrayed Voldemort, I would have
done this with or without you. It’s not your job to take care of me, I’m not your responsibility
anymore.”

“No, no Regulus you aren’t my responsibility, you’re my brother…” Regulus heard the
unspoken words ‘and I love you.’

You’re my brother and I love you.

“Okay,” Regulus said, instead of I love you too.

“Regulus…”

“Hm?”

“I… I don’t know what James did, but I think he did something bad for you.”

“He killed Barty?”

“That too, but… but something else too. I know Remus is suspicious, but somehow James
knew where you were. I don’t know who he talked to or where he went but… I don’t know,
I’m not sure if you should or would even want to talk to him about it, but I wanted you to
know at least.”

“I don’t understand… he wished I was dead, why would he do that? Why would he kill
someone for me?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said quietly “he’s… I mean you’ll probably see, but he’s more present
lately. I don’t know why he’d do what he did or what it means, I think that’s probably
between the two of you.”
“What do you mean, by more present?”

Sirius paused pulling back “I don’t want to tell you his business, and I think Lily’s the only
one he’s really talked to about it. So, I don’t know… maybe you should talk to him.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Regulus whispered.

“Okay,” Sirius said softly “I won’t pretend to understand, but you do what you feel is right.
I’m not exactly the one to give relationship advice.”

Regulus laughed weakly at that “I don’t understand why you haven’t grabbed Remus and
snogged him senseless yet. You won’t find a better person.”

“No,” Sirius agreed looking helpless “I wouldn’t, and I don’t want to it’s just…
complicated.”

“Believe it or not, I’m familiar with that,”

That was enough to get an amused chuckle out of his brother “Oh I believe it. It still feels
surreal to me, you, and James. I know you must have… I don’t know, cared. It’s hard to
picture now though.”

“If I hadn’t lived it, I don’t think I’d be able to imagine it either.” Regulus shrugged “most of
it was never good though. So maybe you’re right in your inability to picture it, we weren’t
like…” Regulus sighed “it’s hard to explain.”

“Yeah, I gathered that, he told me about it. I think I understand the dynamic a little, like…
Remus and I have had some hard times you know, we’ve lived so many years through this
war, of course, there was a lot of pain, but before that, we had… peace.”
“I never had that,” Regulus said quietly “but if you did, Sirius, you shouldn’t let that go.”

“I- I don’t know if I do anymore,”

“Do you love Remus?”

“More than almost anything,”

“Then don’t give it up,”

“I’m just going to say, you’re also in no position to be giving relationship advice.”

Regulus shook his head leaning back “no, definitely not. But I know you, Sirius, I know
Remus. I know that man was willing to burn down the whole world and give up everything
he knew if it meant he could save the people he loved, save you. It takes a lot of love to be
willing to give someone up, not when every bone in your body begs you to hold on as tight as
possible. It’s a painfully selfless thing. I know he’s hurt you, but he’d die for you. He watches
you every time you’re not looking, he smiles when you smile, lights up when you turn your
attention on him. Every time he rolls his eyes or calls you an idiot, it’s obvious he’s head over
heels in love.”

“I… I don’t know,” Sirius said softly “he took me for granted for a long time.”

“I don’t think he will anymore, and if he does, I’ll stab him.”

Sirius laughed throwing his head back “Now that I’d pay to see.”

Regulus nudged his brother, smiling weakly “Just… think about what I said, Sirius.”
“Yeah, yeah. I will. Not sure when my baby brother got so wise.”

“Probably somewhere between the third and fifth near-death experience.”

Sirius swatted at Regulus, far more gently than he usually would. “Shut up,” he rolled his
eyes before pressing a kiss to Regulus’s forehead.

Much to his surprise, he didn’t feel like he was six in his brother’s care this time, instead, he
felt just as old as he was. An adult, wrapped in his big brother’s arms, even after everything.
He knew that the high stakes had forced them closer than they might have been otherwise,
that they were due for a fight eventually, and that there was still so much between them.
However, Regulus wasn’t worried about losing Sirius anymore. No matter what happened,
Regulus refused to turn his back, to step away, or give up. And he knew, for the first time in a
very long time that even though Sirius had James, Remus, and Lily, even though he’d
escaped the Blacks and become someone bright and shining, he still loved Regulus. Sirius
still considered Regulus to be his brother. He hadn’t replaced him with James, he hadn’t
forgotten about Regulus like he’d been convinced Sirius had in school. They still needed each
other, even when they had other people, and that was enough to convince Regulus not to pull
away.

--

“How’s Regulus doing?” Lily asked gently as Sirius sat down with a sigh at the kitchen table.

“He seems…” Sirius shrugged “I don’t know, okay enough all things considered. We talked a
little bit, he fell asleep.”

“Good, he needs rest,” Lily crossed her arms “can’t believe he got up and took himself
downstairs, reckless idiot.”

“That’s Reggie,” Sirius said his voice tinged with fondness. “Should you check him over?”
Sirius asked Lily worriedly.
“No, let’s let him sleep. I’ll wake him later.”

They had a quiet lunch, putting some food away for Regulus. James had been tasked with the
cooking, so the food was decent if he did say so himself. Despite the edges of autumn, the
sun was shining brightly, bathing the kitchen in warmth and James tried to keep his breathing
steady.

He still felt strange on the potions. Healer Potts had insisted on slowly building up the dosage
over the past few weeks and James hated how much clearer he felt. He no longer felt like he
was on the edge of losing control of himself, he didn’t wake up most days and have to force
himself to breathe through the heavy haze. James still hurt, he still had nightmares and woke
up choking on memories and grief that he wasn’t sure how to carry anymore, but really he
was glad. The potions they’d put him on at St. Mungos years ago had left him feeling empty,
he couldn’t feel through the blanket they left over his mind. And sure, he wasn’t having
‘episodes’ as Healer Potts called them, but he didn’t feel as if he’d been living either. This
time Healer Potts had gone over all his options and worked very carefully to figure out what
was right for James, he’d been terrified to start taking the medication again but she’d been
nothing but understanding and helpful the entire time. She’d been right too, the potions he
was on now, didn’t make James feel like he was living through a fog. He felt like himself,
just a little more grounded. A little less like he was standing on the precipice of something he
might not come back from. Healer Potts had been clear that it was no cure, but as long as he
kept up with his potions, kept seeing her, and used the techniques he learned in sessions, he’d
be able to live a much better quality of life.

If it’d been only him, James may not have bothered. The potions made him feel weak for
needing to rely on medication to make his head right. The sessions were emotionally taxing
and James didn’t really want to talk about his grief, pain, or anxiety. He would have been fine
staying the way he was. The edges of his mind were familiar, the periods of ups and downs
were well known. He might not have kept up the effort not even for his friends if not for
Harry. Harry who grabbed his hand one night as James was putting him to bed.

“Happy you’re here daddy,” he’d whispered.

“I’m always here, Harry,”

“No, more here. Mummy is happy, Pads and Moony are happy.”
And James hadn’t realized his young son picked up on those things, that he noticed James’
distance or the tension between his family. The thought that he had, ached. So, every
morning, even though most times he hesitated, James took the potions anyway.

Still, there were some things he still couldn’t do. Sleeping potions, for example, Healer Potts
had briefly suggested it when James mentioned having trouble sleeping, but that was a line he
wouldn’t cross. The potion he was on was one thing, a sleeping draught was another.
Sleeping draughts could be addictive.

James did wish that it was something he could take, however, as he stared up at his ceiling for
what had to be the fifth hour. The quiet of the night felt too loud, too suffocating. Eventually,
James sat up, glancing to Sirius who was fast asleep across the room. He swung himself out
of bed creeping quietly out of the room and shutting the door behind him, careful not to make
a sound. Remus was asleep in the guest room today since Lily had decided it best for Regulus
not to have to worry about the stairs, and the door was cracked open slightly. Remus always
preferred to sleep with the door open and James caught sight of his sleeping form all the way
over to one side of the bed even though he was alone. The sight saddened James as he
thought of Sirius who despite acting friendly with Remus, was still sleeping in James’ room.

James crept down the stairs, skipping the second one which always creaked loudly. He tried
to be quiet as he knew Regulus was asleep on the transfigured sofa. However, James glanced
over as he stepped onto the first floor and his heart stopped. The makeshift bed was empty
and for a split-second James panicked when he didn’t see Regulus, before spotting the man
curled up on a chair, head tilted up to watch the night sky out the window. Relief swept over
him and without thinking and padded over to the chair, his bare feet hardly made a sound, but
the way Regulus’s head tilted told James he knew someone was there.

They simply existed together in the heavy silence of the night for a long moment before
James sat down slowly on the footstool next to Regulus’s chair.

“What are you looking for?” James whispered; his voice slightly rough at the late hour.

It took Regulus a very long time to respond, but James didn’t say anything else. He knew
Regulus had heard him, knew he would answer when he was ready to.
After many minutes of careful quiet Regulus just sighed “I don’t know,” he said softly and
James had to shift closer to hear him. “I used to watch Sirius’s star, I’d look for it every night
to feel less alone. Now, I could simply go upstairs and wake him if I wanted, and he’d
probably let me. He might act annoyed and complain, but he’d let me. He’d listen to
whatever I needed.”

James nodded even though Regulus wasn’t looking at him “he would,” James agreed.

Regulus didn’t respond to that and James watched him tug at his ring finger, the same one
that used to wear the star ring every day and night.

“You healed the track marks didn’t you?”

James had wondered if Regulus would bring that up. What he would think of it? He
swallowed thickly “I did,” he admitted “I- I didn’t think you would… want everyone to
know.”

“So, you’re…”

“The only one who knows.” James finished for him.

Regulus’s fingers tightened around his hand, knuckles turning white, visible even in the dim
light of the late hour.

“Would you- I mean… you’re not going to start again, are you?” James asked quickly, his
voice small.

Regulus didn’t immediately say no, but James was glad because he didn’t want to be lied to.
“It makes it quiet.” He admitted “I forgot how quiet. Normally everything is just so… much.
Like it hurts to think, to think, breathe even feel the clothes on my skin, and my own heart is
so loud, and the drugs… they make that go away. But I didn’t like who I became on them, I
didn’t like…” he trailed off shrugging helplessly.
“Losing control?” James offered tentatively.

That was enough for Regulus to finally turn his head to glance at James “Yes…” he agreed
slowly.

James nodded “I- I know the feeling,” he admitted. “It’s probably different though.”

“Explain it,” Regulus demanded.

James frowned “explain what part exactly?”

“Just… what losing control feels like to you,”

James had never really talked about what it was like to anyone, he wasn’t sure exactly how to
describe it, but Regulus had already seen his worst, hadn’t he? So, what was the harm in
trying?

“It’s like… I never know what I’m going to wake up to. If I’ll feel like myself or someone
else entirely. I’ll watch myself, like I don’t have any say, as if I’m just floating above it all.
I’ll make decisions and feel entirely rational at the time and then eventually I’ll come down
and all the pieces of my life are sitting at my feet in ruins. If it’s not that, it’s just heaviness.
Like I’m living in slow motion, and I know things are happening around me but I can’t feel
okay, I can’t get out of my head. I can’t smile or joke or do any of the things I want to do.
And I’ll just… I’ll never know if I’m going to feel like myself again or if it’ll last forever…”
James shrugged as if he weren’t spilling his guts “my healer says I’m bipolar but it’s more
complicated than that because she thinks I’m traumatized too. I think that’s bullshit, we’re all
traumatized, it's war, there’s just something wrong with me. Everyone else can handle it.”

“No, they can’t,” Regulus said softly “it’s ruined all of us. You just haven’t paid enough
attention.”
That stung a bit and James wanted to snap but the way Regulus quickly looked away stopped
him dead. Regulus expected James to react badly, expected James to hurt him. He tried to
breathe, forcing his words to come out as calmly as possible.

“Do you think I’m selfish?”

Regulus turned back slowly, eyes wide in surprise “I- I think you have been. But everyone
has. I’m not the right person to preach being a good person.”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

Surprisingly, Regulus’s response was instant “No. I think you’ve done some bad things, but
bad people don’t worry about whether they’re a bad person or not.”

“I told you I wished you were dead,”

Something painful flitted across Regulus’s face, but he only nodded “well, it would have
been easier wouldn’t it?”

“It would have,” James agreed.

Regulus seemed to have heard enough and he stood unsteadily, wincing as he did.

“But easier isn’t always better,” James said softly to Regulus’s turned back.

Regulus froze, James wished he could see the look on his face, to grasp even a bit of what he
might be thinking.

“No,” Regulus said finally, still not turning around “not always.”
James knew at that point Regulus wouldn’t turn, wouldn’t give James anything more so he
stood as well. “Just don’t die,” he said simply, before turning and heading back up the stairs.

As he skipped the second creaky step, he turned to look back. He could still see Regulus’s
shadow cast across the dark room, unmoving right where James had left him.

--

Regulus refused to let Remus destroy the Horcrux without him.

“It’s my spell, seems unethical to try to steal it like that Lupin.”

“Steal? Firstly, Regulus Black, I did at least half of the work in developing it, secondly, that’s
not how it fucking works.”

Regulus just shrugged and Remus narrowed his eyes. Sirius looked entirely too amused by
the interaction and thankfully Regulus seemed to be of the same opinion because he reached
out and smacked his brother on the arm.

“Hey!” He said rubbing his arm, but his protest quickly died on his tongue when James who
was at the counter making Harry and sandwich laughed.

Harry was clinging to James’ legs and he seemed entirely unaware of the situation even as
Sirius’s face grew into a small smile looking from his friend and then back to them with wide
hopeful eyes.

A year ago, a smile from James Potter was a rarity, unless it was directed at Harry. Now he
was humming slightly to himself as he worked. James didn’t even seem exactly happy, in
fact, Remus knew something was clearly weighing on him the past few days, or likely more
than a few things. However, he did seem steadier since he’d started seeing a mindhealer and
Remus felt hope for the first time in many years that one day, if they all survived, James
might settle into himself again.

“I don’t want you destroying it without me,” Regulus said again after a quiet moment.

Remus looked back to his friend. Regulus looked better than he had when they’d first brought
him back two days earlier, he could sit up and move around again, but he still couldn’t make
it up the stairs without help and was confined downstairs for the time being. A bit of color
had returned to his face, but he was still far too thin and deathly pale. He looked strangely
closer to how Remus remembered Regulus from Hogwarts, sickly and gaunt. Worst of all
was the haunted look Remus kept catching in his eye.

“Reg…”

“Just wait a little while,” Regulus urged “soon I’ll be well enough, and we can do it together.
It’s not that I don’t think you capable of doing it, Remus. I just… it feels wrong not to be
there. I- I can’t explain it…” he trailed uncertainly.

“No, I get it.” Remus sighed, he wanted the Horcrux gone as quickly as possible but waiting
a little while was doable “you’ve given everything for this Regulus, I get that it’s important
you see them destroyed.

Regulus nodded looking relieved “Thanks, Remus.”

Harry ran through the dining room with his plate in hand “No running with food!” James
called exasperatedly after him, but the young boy only slowed down slightly, giggling as he
sat down in front of the coffee table and took a large bite of his sandwich before returning to
the serious coloring he’d been doing earlier.

James just shook his head fondly, plopping down at the table next to Sirius and putting his
feet in his lap. Sirius poked him and James just grinned unbothered. The room was quiet and
Remus thought it was strange how familiar the scene had become, how comfortable it was.
Once the five of them in one room would have meant somebody snapping, some petty
argument, or heavy tension. Instead, it felt easy, Sirius and James were having some silent
staring contest, Lily was sipping her tea, watching Regulus suspiciously as he pulled at the
bandages underneath his shirt. Remus couldn’t really believe how well they’d all come
together, even when there was still so much uncertainty.

--

Regulus was uncomfortable. He was trying not to squirm too much as everyone sat
comfortably around the table, but he knew he wasn’t doing a great job. Lily was watching
him, and Remus was watching her watch him. James and Sirius at least were engaged in
some stupid staring contest and paying no attention

“Itching?” Lily inquired and Regulus looked up guilty.

“A bit,” he admitted “but it’s not really that, everything just feels kind of tight, I suppose.”

“Do your muscles ache?”

“Not too badly,” Regulus said but under Lily’s unconvinced glare he grimaced before
amending his statement “pretty badly, yes.” He sighed.

“You should take a bath. Not just for your muscles. I cast some cleaning spells when we
brought you since I knew you wouldn’t be well enough to bathe for a little while, but it’s a
poor substitute. You can't feel very comfortable."

"I- I still don’t think I’m well enough to bathe,” Regulus said softly. It was hard for him to
admit the weakness still, but Lily had brought him back from the brink of death twice now, he
didn’t know why he was still trying to hide from her.

“Well, certainly not on your own, you’d need help.”

“No,” Regulus said instantly “no offense Lily, but no.”

“It doesn’t have to be me,” She said gently “whatever you’re comfortable with, Sirius could
do it?”

“No, not him either. I don’t want any of you to see… I can’t…” he waved a hand unable to
explain properly what it was. It wasn’t just accepting help, it was that Regulus’s body was
very scarred, he’d jumped from an abusive household directly into a violent war and it
showed. It was written all over him. Regulus didn’t want Remus or Lily who’d never seen it
before and he didn’t want Sirius to see any of the newer scars. The ones that his parents had
given him after Sirius left. Regulus knew his brother would know instantly they had been at
his parents’ hands and he didn’t want Sirius feeling any guiltier.

“Not that you have to do it, no one is forcing you Regulus,” Lily said softly “but whatever it
is, no one here would ever judge you.”

Regulus crossed his arms “maybe I just to prefer to keep it so none of you have seen me
naked,” he said trying to deflect, James who had apparently abandoned his staring contest at
some point coughed awkwardly at that and Regulus resisted the urge to bang his head on the
table. “James, shut the fuck up,” he said sharply.

Remus snorted at the implication and Sirius choked face turning red “Oi, stop that.” He
complained glaring between Regulus and James.

Lily to her credit, seemed entirely unflustered by the situation “well, Regulus if that’s truly
the case then maybe James would be willing to help if you’re comfortable. If not as I said, no
one’s forcing you, I just think it’d do a lot for the pain since you can’t take potions.”

“I- I’m not going to ask that,” Regulus said quickly, feeling his face flush. He looked down at
the table, examining the grooves of the wood. Truthfully, James helping him actually did
sound like the best option, he’d seen a lot of the older scars before and when it came to his
body, he wouldn’t say he felt self-conscious in front of James. The issue was an entirely
different matter, the sheer embarrassment of asking a man he used to have sex with and now
regularly had screaming matches with to help him bathe, because he was severely injured.

“Are you in pain?” James asked leaving no room to dance around the question.
“I- I mean yes but—”

“Then there’s nothing to ask, I’ll help if you want.”

“It’s weird,” Regulus protested, and James just raised an eyebrow.

“Most things these days are,”

Regulus couldn’t really argue with that and Lily knew him well enough by now to recognize
his admittance of defeat immediately “Good,” she jumped up “let me get some oils to help
with healing, you can put a few drops in the water.”

--

It was weird, very weird.

“Turn around,” Regulus demanded, and James complied not bothering to point out that he’d
already seen it all.

Regulus toed off his socks and pulled off his trousers before taking a deep breath to prepare
himself up for the worst part, taking off his shirt. He tried to pull it off grimacing through the
pain as he stretched his hands over his head, he could lift his arms but trying to actually pull
it over his head sent a burning sensation down his torso and he took a sharp intake of breath.

“Do you need help?” James asked, shifting at the sound but not turning around.

“No,” Regulus gritted out, raising his arms again, he made it a little farther this time but as
soon as he tried to get it over his head he couldn’t stop the small yelp of pain. Lily had been
helping him put on his shirt so far, always taking care of it after redoing his bandages. Shit,
he should have requested a button-up from James’ large collection that would have been a
little easier. This shirt was Sirius’s and while it was loose, it wasn’t enough to get out of
easily in his state.

“Regulus,” James said, “can I please turn around and help you?”

“I feel so fucking stupid.” Regulus muttered, “can’t even take off my shirt, it’s pathetic.”

“You can’t take off your shirt because you survived two weeks being held hostage and
tortured, that’s not pathetic.”

Shit, why was James suddenly regaining his ability to know the right thing to say Regulus?

“Fine, you can turn around,” Regulus said tightly.

He glared as soon as James met his eye, but he didn’t look pitying, just stepped forward
slowly. He must have been watching Lily when she worked because James helped Regulus
out of his shirt in the same way, helping him pull one arm through at a time, careful not to lift
his arms too high. Free of the shirt with considerably less pain Regulus sighed in relief,
feeling cold as he was left in just his pants.

“Lily said these need to come off,” James gestured to the bandages in a question. Regulus
nodded slowly and James began to carefully unwrap them. His hands were gentle, tentative.
He kept looking up as if he thought he might hurt Regulus.

Physical bandages were better for curse wounds, lest a spell interfere with any residual
magic, but a spell was okay for short periods of time. That’s what Regulus had been doing
every time he showered when he’d first been hurt at the manor. After James had discarded the
bandages, Regulus grabbed his wand off the counter and absently cast a spell to protect the
open wounds while he bathed before turning to James.

“Look away,”
James obliged without comment, turning his head and closing his eyes. He held an arm out
and Regulus took it to steady himself quickly stripping down. He was shaky as he stepped
into the bathtub, and he almost stumbled despite James’ arm.

The other man acted quickly, his other hand going to Regulus’s waist to steady him. He still
kept his eyes averted as he helped Regulus lower himself down. The hot water didn’t stop
Regulus from feeling the burn of James’s fingerprints on his waist.

“I feel stupid,” Regulus mumbled again.

James looked to Regulus now that he was half submerged in the water “I feel stupid too,” he
admitted.

“This is weird. Not so many years ago I don’t think I ever could have imagined something
like this feeling so uncomfortable.”

“I disagree. Even if you didn’t mind me seeing you naked it would be uncomfortable because
you hate being helped.”

Regulus just grimaced at that because he couldn’t really argue, it was true. “It’s not that I
don’t want you to see me now,” he said instead “if that were the case then I would have just
said no same as I did about Lily or Sirius helping me with this.”

“Then what is it?”

“I just… I don’t think you deserve to see, to have any more of me than you need to.”

“Do I have any of you?”

Ah, that was a dangerous question “enough,” he said simply, and James frowned.

“I really don’t know where we stand, Regulus.”

“Do you hate me?”

James paused to actually consider the question and Regulus was glad, he didn’t want any
excuses or lies. “I may have, not at this moment,” he said, slowly “but I know you hate me,”

Regulus was surprised by the words, and he sat up straighter “What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean? You said so,”

“I most certainly did not,”

“Yes, when- when I said I hated you, you said so.”

“No,” Regulus said hotly, “I said I didn’t hate you,”

“Okay, well same difference,”

“How on earth is that the same?”

“You were implying that now you do,” Regulus's mouth fell open and James just looked back
in confusion “what?”

“That’s not what I fucking meant James!”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I-“ Regulus threw an arm up splashing slightly “I meant that I used to say I hated you all the
time but I didn’t!”

“But-“ James paused “you were never really saying you hated me then, that wasn’t what you
meant.” James frowned.

“Exactly!”

“Regulus… I knew that.”

Regulus scoffed “Evidently not or you wouldn’t have taken what I said so incredibly wrong!”

“Wait, wait. So, I said I hated you and you responded to that by saying—” I loved you “that
you didn’t?”

“Yes,”

They both knew ‘I hate you’ had meant the exact opposite. That James had said it meaning
the words, and Regulus had essentially responded by saying I love you instead.

“Fucking hell, Regulus. Why didn’t you curse me to hell for how I acted then? I didn’t
realize- I mean I was so angry and I just thought…” he didn’t seem able to finish the sentence
and instead just swallowed down the words.

“Guess I thought I deserved it,”

“I did too,”

“Did?”

“I don’t know what I think now,” James said and that was a better answer than Regulus ever
would have expected.

“But you still don’t wish I was dead?” Regulus asked hesitantly. Regulus’s ring was glittering
in the foggy bathroom, safe on the chain on James’ neck where it belonged. He watched it,
unable to meet James’ eye.

“I don’t,” James confirmed, and Regulus looked up, “I thought so, and then you were gone,
and Lily said you’d taken the ring. I thought that was it, that you’d really be dead this time.
Most people would think it a gift, a loved one coming back to life. I was handed extra time;
time people would kill for and I used it to hurt you and let my rage consume me. You being
alive, it fucking hurts, coming back after everything, after I mourned you… but you’re here
now, and I’ll ruin anyone who tries to take you from me.”

“Oh,” Regulus said softly “so that’s why you did it, saved me, killed Barty?”

“Yes, I’m not letting you die now,” he shook his head straightening “now are you going to let
me actually help you bathe now, or do we need to continue this very heavy conversation?”

“Probably best not the time to get into the rest of it at this particular moment,” Regulus
mumbled, and much to his surprise, James laughed.

Regulus just blinked at him for a moment before James’ giggles got to him and he was
laughing as well. Then they couldn’t stop, doubled over unable to catch their breath. James
gripped Regulus’s arm but his hands were still gentle and they just sat together, laughing.
Overwhelmed by years’ worth of emotions they couldn’t even begin to sort through.
Downstairs Lily Evan’s paused, eyes wide as the sound of laughter came from the upstairs
bathroom. She spun with wide eyes looking at Sirius and Remus who looked equally
surprised.

“They’re… laughing,” she noted in disbelief.

“Fucking hell,” Sirius said “what happened? They were ready to kill each other not so long
ago.”

“I think…” Remus began “they didn’t actually want to kill each other, but neither of them
realized that.”

The laughter from upstairs faded out and Lily heard the timbre of James’ voice, she couldn’t
make out what he was saying but his tone was light and she heard Regulus snort in return.

“They might be out of the woods,” Lily noted smiling “at least partially. Through the worst.”

“I wonder what that looks like,” Sirius said raising an eyebrow “I’m sorry but I’ve truly
never been able to picture those two being able to stand each other much less…” he pulled a
disgusted face as he waved his hand “anything else.”

Remus shot Sirius a warning look “stay out of it Padfoot,”

“What are you implying?” Sirius shot back crossing his arms.

“That you have a tendency to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong and I know you’re very
protective of both Regulus and James. Some things you need to let be.”

Sirius glared at that and Lily turned away deciding to leave them to what was sure to become
a bickering match. She could still hear James and Regulus talking upstairs and a part of her
thought she should have felt jealous or upset that her ex was repairing his relationship with
 his ex, but she didn’t. She loved Regulus and she loved James as well, but with enough time
and space out of their relationship, she was realizing she didn’t love him so differently from
how she felt about Remus or Sirius. Despite everything, Sirius and Remus’s rising voices,
Harry who just decided to dump all five-hundred pieces of a puzzle on the carpet, the war
that was still raging outside her window, and a Horcrux sitting on the kitchen table… Lily
leaned back and as she breathed deeply, she felt just for a moment, at peace.

Chapter End Notes

Lol it only took 100k words but finally... some jegulus? Maybe? Tentatively?

Thanks for all your lovely comments, I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused. Hopefully,
the cliffhangers were worth it.

Also before anyone says it, I'm so sorry about Barty. I wanted to humanize him, but I've
also been very clear kind of hinting at the type of person he is. When Regulus talked
about him with Lily you may remember him noting how Barty was cruel etc. he's not a
good person but he's not exactly the villain here either. I hope you understand his
motivations and can sympathize with him a little, but redemption is not in the cards in
this fic. Sorry for killing him, love y'all.

find me on tumblr

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Chapter Nineteen

Sirius wasn’t sure exactly what he was thinking. He couldn’t sleep, his chest felt tight, and
his head heavy. Every time he closed his eyes all he saw was his brother, face pale and blue
lips. For a moment, Sirius had been so sure Regulus was dead and he’d thought that was it.
After everything… surely the universe was playing some sick joke. Oh, your baby brother,
the kid you love more than almost anything? I know you just got him back from the dead, but
actually, I’m going to fix that.

As horrifying as it felt, Sirius hated that in the moment, it made sense to him. Why shouldn’t
it? Sirius had already been dealt the shittiest cards you could get, what was another? Sirius
couldn’t forget the feeling, cursed by Barty, unable to do anything. He felt helpless, like he'd
failed. The feeling crept up his throat making him nauseous with the intensity.

After hours of staring at the ceiling, Sirius sat up. He turned his head to look at James’
sleeping form, normally he was up tossing and turning as well, but now he slept soundly.
Sirius slipped out of bed silently, careful to avoid the creaky floorboard. He stepped into the
hall creeping down the stairs. He stood in the doorway for a long moment, simply watching
Regulus sleep. Sirius could only see the outline of his shoulders and his dark curls, but his
breath was deep and even.

Once he was satisfied that his brother was still there and completely fine, Sirius forced
himself to turn and head back upstairs. He couldn’t stay awake just watching everyone sleep.
That would be a tad creepy. Somehow, Sirius found himself stopping outside Remus’s door,
hand reaching out the brush the handle. He didn’t open it, just stood there. He imagined how
wonderful it would be to curl up into Remus’s side, to bury his face into the man’s neck and
just… breathe. For once, Sirius just wanted to be able to breathe.

Sirius couldn’t do it. He couldn’t swallow his pride or his hurt. Even while he and Remus had
been friendly, Sirius still felt it clawing at his chest every time their eyes met. Rejection,
abandonment, the feeling of not being enough. He was familiar with it, he’d spent many
years disappointing everyone around him, it made him feel young, naïve… small. Sirius
hated feeling small, and Remus had done that. It was as he was turning away, hand falling
from the doorknob that the door opened suddenly.

They stood there, just blinking at each other.

Remus’s hair was messy from sleep, and his clothes were rumpled. He was just wearing a
cotton pullover and his pants, the sleeves covered his fingers. He looked sleepy and
absolutely fucking adorable. Sirius hated how easily he melted as Remus looked down at
him, eyes soft in a question.

“Pads?” Remus said his voice scratchy and rough with sleep, it took everything in Sirius not
to push him against the wall and kiss him senseless.

“I was just going back to bed, sorry,” Sirius mumbled stepping back and clenching his fists to
prevent himself from reaching out.

“I heard you out here,” Remus said, and Sirius resisted the urge to groan, of course, Remus
had been awake, he’d probably heard Sirius standing weirdly outside the door like a lunatic
for the past ten minutes.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Sirius shrugged, he took another step back, and even in the dark, he didn’t
miss the way Remus’s fingers twitched. He squared his shoulders, swallowing and Sirius
realized with a jolt, that it seemed it was taking Remus just as much self-restraint not to reach
out. That made something swoop in his stomach like they were fifteen again and Sirius had
just heard the intake of Remus’s breath when Sirius got close and realized for the first time,
maybe Moony wanted him as well.

“Do…” Remus stopped, and it was so strange, the hesitancy. They’d known each other for far
too long for awkwardness. They’d been friends for years, seen each other’s most shameful
and embarrassing moments, seen the darkness and the frayed edges. They’d been together for
years too, learning every inch of each other from mind to body. Awkwardness was rare
because embarrassment was not an occurrence between the two.
“Moony,”

It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a sentence, there was no meaning in it. Just Remus’s name, just
Moony. It sat there between the two of them, so uncertain, so delicate.

Remus seemed to make up his mind “do you want to come in?”

Yes, yes Sirius wanted that very badly. He didn’t say that though, he just nodded slowly.
Remus stepped back and it was only as the door shut behind them, that he realized he had no
idea what he was doing.

“I had to see Regulus,” Sirius said quietly rather than addressing the heavy tension between
them.

Remus nodded sitting on the edge of the bed “he’s asleep?”

“Yes, seems fine. I just… I had to check.”

“I’m glad you have a relationship with him again, it’s clear how much you have both always
loved one another, even when it was so hard between you.”

“Once I would have bit your head off for that,” Sirius admitted “but you’re right. It’s still
hard, sometimes I look at him and I still feel so bitter and angry over everything, but even so,
I know I’d never let him go again.”

“I know, I think it’s the same for Regulus,” Remus murmured.

“You love him a lot too,” Sirius said, and it was less strange of a thought these days.
“We’ve been through a lot together, it’s hard not to.”

“I suppose he’s kind of your brother too,”

Remus seemed surprised at that notion “Oh,” he said looking up at Sirius “because of… us?”

“You’re mine, he’s my brother, so by extension he’d be your brother-in-law, would he not?”
Sirius said casually as if Remus’s ‘us’ wasn’t a loud and glaring question, as if Sirius’s words
weren’t the answer.

“We’re not married,” Remus pointed out.

“Aren’t we, basically? In every way but legally, and that’s only because it’s not possible. If
we could be, wouldn’t we?”

“Yes,” Remus said instantly “there’s no one else for me,”

“Me either,”

That was the answer. The truth, that this was going to work. Even if it took years, Remus was
going to prove himself and Sirius would let him. They were not over; they would never be
done. It was the two of them until the world fucking exploded, maybe even after that.

“I’ve missed you,” Sirius said softly, after a moment of careful silence, neither quite ready to
break it.

Once Remus would have shaken his head and said “I’m right here” now, he didn’t.

“I’ve missed you too,”

The air was heavy, the silence deafening. Sirius could hear each intake of Remus’s breath, the
perfect little stutter as Sirius stepped forward.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered, his knees meeting Remus’s where they hung off the edge of the
bed.

“Pads,” god, his voice was weak, shaky as he looked up at Sirius with questioning eyes.

Sirius’s hands moved of their own accord, fingers brushing away Remus’s sleep-crushed
curls, dancing across the freckles painted across his cheeks, tracing the scar on his nose. His
eyes fluttered close, and Sirius almost missed his next words, barely above a whisper.

“I’m sorry,”

It was so raw, so honest that Sirius believed it. Believed it with every single fucking bit of
himself.

“I forgive you, we’re going to figure this out,”

The sound that left Remus’s mouth was an honest to god sob, and Sirius barely had time to
process that before Remus’s hands were twisting in his collar and pulling him down into a
blazing kiss. Sirius let out a squeak of surprise, but his body wasted no time responding,
kissing Remus back just as hard. It was all teeth and sharpness, a fire burning between them,
scorching any tension or uncertainty away.

“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius,” Remus whispered into his mouth before pulling him roughly onto the
bed.

Sirius clambered onto Remus’s lap to deepen the kiss, Remus’s hands were in his hair, his
slight stubble scratching Sirius’s jaw. God, oh merlin, he’s missed this. Needed it like he’d
been drowning and hadn’t even realized until suddenly oxygen was pumping through his
lungs. He was overrun by the sheer bliss of being able to breathe again. Sirius pushed Remus
onto his back and the other man wasted no time flipping them over to take control, his hands
slipping under Sirius’s shirt. It took no time at all for Remus to pull the thing off of him,
clearly unhappy with the shirt blocking him from unlimited access to Sirius’s skin. Once it
was discarded, carelessly on the floor Remus took the care to press his lips to every inch of
Sirius’s body. Whispering into his skin in reverence.

“I love you, I love you, I love you. I will spend every fucking day of my life showing you,
Sirius Black. I love you.”

Sirius reached for Remus pulling him back up for another kiss. It was like the calm before the
storm, a soft interlude as they panted into each other’s mouths, the heat simmering between
them for a quiet moment.

“I love you,” Sirius gasped, nudging his nose into the other man’s cheek, breathing in his
familiar smell. Remus caught Sirius’s jaw to press another kiss to his lips.

“I love you,” Remus whispered into Sirius’s lips, and Sirius was pretty sure he believed him.

He just grinned wickedly, leaning back “Prove it,”

Remus laughed at Sirius’s mischievous expression, but his eyes flashed intensely despite the
small smile “I will,”

Yes, Sirius definitely believed him.

--

“Oh, thank god, you two finally fucked,” Remus choked on his tea and Sirius threw his head
back in a laugh as James grinned at the two of them. “You were driving me up the wall. As if
there are two people more in love with each other,” James rolled his eyes.
Neither of the two men denied it and Regulus looked between them. He had noticed
something different between Remus and Sirius that morning, now that James had pointed it
he could see it. Regulus could admit he was curious, he’d only ever seen glimpses of what
Sirius and Remus were like in a relationship. The entire time Regulus had been with them
both they’d been either fighting or in a weird limbo where they were friendly but clearly not
exactly together. Regulus could see how they were, probably very volatile together, yet also
balanced each other out.

“So, you took my advice?” he raised an eyebrow at his brother.

Remus looked between Regulus and Sirius incredulously “No way, do not tell me, that you
Regulus Black, of all people, were giving out relationship advice.”

“It was actually quite good,” Sirius admitted, “he said if you love someone enough you
should hold onto them, quite wise. Is he qualified to give out relationship advice? Absolutely
not, but that wasn’t too bad I think.”

“Maybe I am qualified, I’m preventing you from making my mistakes.” He shrugged. He

regretted saying it instantly. He knew James was looking at him, knew he must have picked
something out of Regulus’s words. Instantly,

There was a few ways James could take it and after their tentative peace, it turned Regulus’s
stomach. Seeing it as a jab, wouldn’t be out of character for them. It would be easy to assume
Regulus was implying that James was a mistake or that since Regulus had let him go, he
hadn’t really loved James enough.

Regulus was speaking before he could really consider it, something out of character for him.
“I- I mean it depends on the situation,” he said quickly “sometimes it’s… letting go is a
mercy. If you love them enough. But in this case, you two clearly need to hold onto each
other.”

Sirius looked towards him in surprise, and Regulus refused to look at James to his right even
when Remus cocked his head, eyes flicking from Regulus then James. He knew he was being
seen right through that, even Sirius with his lack of tact or emotional sensitivity could see
Regulus’s implication.

Fuck, did he just accidentally admit to being in love with James in front of everyone? Was
that a secret? It couldn’t be, even if he’d never said so they had to know. James had to know,
right? Regulus had basically said as much in the bathroom. Even if he hadn’t said ‘I loved
you’ or more accurately ‘I’m still head over fucking heels in love with you’ which was a
terrifying notion that was getting harder and harder for Regulus to ignore.

Remus raised his eyebrows and Regulus felt his cheeks flushing “but I’m glad you two are
working it out,” Regulus coughed awkwardly.

Despite the look Remus sent his way, he didn’t seem inclined towards publicly embarrassing
Regulus any further and he just nodded “I’m glad too,” he said glancing towards Sirius
fondly, a soft smile turning up the corner of his lips.

Sirius much to Regulus’s surprise looked a little bashful under Remus’s gaze and Regulus
wondered if that’s what it was usually like. If his brother, like Regulus, had trouble learning
to let himself be loved. Regulus felt a burning ache in his chest as he thought not for the first
time, that he wished he and Sirius had been able to do this together, grow and learn. Instead,
they’d grown separately and come back together as different people, now they had to learn
how to fit again.

“Are they usually like that?” Regulus asked James later that night as he was helping wash
dishes.

“Hm?” James asked turning off the sink and wiping his hands on his trousers “you mean
Sirius and Remus?”

Regulus nodded. “yes,”

“Yes, they only have two modes,” James smiled faintly to himself “bickering and madly in
love.”
“It’s good to see,” Regulus admitted, looking down at the plate he’d been drying.

“It is,” James agreed “things have been hard with them… not just recently, but for a long
time, really. I think almost losing each other has shown how important what they have is, or
at least I hope so. Sirius and Remus have something special, they’ve always been just so…
intertwined, even before they were together. You know, like Pads is my best friend, Sirius and
Remus were something else entirely, even as friends. They exist in this world together that
the rest of us can’t touch.”

Regulus reached for another plate considering this as he wiped it dry “You used to talk about
them a lot before they got together.”

James snorted “Yeah, they were a fucking trainwreck,” he remembered “somewhere around
fifth year they were both madly in love with each other but neither knew it so instead they
just fought, constantly. It was just one thing after another, and I was always stuck in the
middle. Drove me bloody insane.”

“I remember, it stressed you out.”

James didn’t respond for a long second and Regulus turned to see him frowning down at the
sink “yes…” he said finally, his voice quieter “to be fair, a lot of things did those days. I
wasn’t very good at…” he trailed off shaking his head with a sigh “I dunno.”

“Admitting you needed help?” Regulus suggested “we had that in common,”

James cracked a small grin at that, but his gaze was tinted with sadness as he turned it on
Regulus “That’s for sure, what a fucking pair we made.”

“Yes…” Regulus put the last plate in its place before turning around to lean his back against
the counter, he was slowly starting to heal but he’d been standing for a while, and everything
ached more than he cared to admit.
He let his eyes fall closed taking a deep breath, only opening them when he felt a hesitant
touch on his shoulder.

“Bath?” James suggested brow furrowed as he searched Regulus’s face, no doubt reading the
pain hidden there.

“Okay,” Regulus agreed quietly, he didn’t have the energy to balk under the help tonight.

The stairs were easier than they’d been the first few days after returning back, but still not the
most fun experience Regulus ever had. Each step left him feeling far too out of breath and
James stood behind him, hand hovering near the small of his back in case he stumbled, but
not offering any other help, knowing Regulus liked to push himself.

They’d fallen into a sort of routine they few times they’d done this, and Regulus was
beginning to feel more comfortable not just with the situation but with James in general.
Regulus no longer insisted James turn away while he undressed, but James averted his eyes
anyway, suddenly very focused on the tiled floor. Shirts were still an area of distress for
Regulus, even though James had started bringing him button-ups since they were easier, the
top few buttons tended to pose an issue. James reached out without a word as Regulus
hesitated at the shirt, unbuttoning the top and helping him shrug it off. Instead of turning
away again when it fell to the floor, they both paused. James' eyes were fixed on his torso,
the large, still angry wound spanning across it, Regulus wanted to push him back, to cover
himself under James’ gaze.

“I know, it’s terribly ugly,” He mumbled crossing his arms over his chest.

James looked up blinking like he’d been awoken from a trance expression twisting as soon as
he seemed to register what Regulus had said “what? No, no,” he said quickly shaking his
head.

Regulus cast him an unconvinced look “you don’t have to lie, unfortunately, beauty isn’t
exactly a priority of mine anymore.” He gestured a hand towards his hair, which used to be
styled and trimmed so perfectly, now tended to fall messily, his curls far too long.
James’ eyes flicked up to Regulus’s hair his frown deepening “I’m not lying. You’re still
beautiful, you always have been and always will be.”

“I’m a mess,” Regulus said shaking his head, hoping James didn’t notice him flushing at the
comment “it is what it is, it’s stupid to be bothered by it when there’s other priorities.”

“Firstly,” James said softly “just because there are other things to worry about, doesn’t mean
that you can’t be upset or concerned by how you look. But, I don’t think you have any need
to, you’re…” he gestured at Regulus seemingly unable to come up with the right words “I- I
mean you look different, that’s true, but not bad. In fact, I uh… I actually really like it. Your
hair…” his eyes flicked down smiling softly “your freckles, I can’t believe you have freckles,
they’re perfect. And the scars, I mean I wouldn’t say I like them because they mean you’ve
been hurt, but I think you earned them. You survived, time and time again, against every odd.
And it does make you look very badass,” Regulus couldn’t help but snort at that and James’
grin widened, “I think you’re beautiful, just absolutely perfect.” He said earnestly “not that
what I think can erase however you feel, but doesn’t hurt to keep in mind.”

Regulus let his eyes fall closed taking a deep breath “James fucking Potter,” he murmured
under his breath.

“Uh- was that the wrong thing to say?” James asked hesitantly.

Opening his eyes, Regulus surveyed James’ worried expression, the way his lips were caught
between his teeth “No, no not at all. It was exactly the right thing,”

“Oh, good,” James breathed out.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment heavy with tension before Regulus cleared his
throat becoming suddenly aware that he was only in his pants.

“Um,” He took a step back “I’m going to get in the bath now because if I don’t I’m going to
beg you to fuck me and that will do absolutely no one any good.”
James choked on his own spit at that, letting out a sputtering breath and quickly putting more
distance between them. “Okay, okay um- If you asked me I would,” he said his face red “so
uh yeah- I’m going to turn around.” His voice was muffled as he turned his back and Regulus
wasn’t so sure if he was talking to himself or Regulus as he muttered “bad idea, very bad
idea.”

James was even more careful than usual as he kept his gaze on the floor, his hands didn’t
linger on Regulus’s skin and while the contact they did have burned intensely, Regulus was
glad. While there was no question of whether desire still lay between them, there was
something else entirely. Something far too delicate and uncertain to throw it to waste by
sleeping together.

Regulus didn’t imagine a relationship between them, it’d be a long time before he felt ready
to say any of the things he needed to. Any of the things James would need to hear before they
could even begin to forgive each other. Still, Regulus liked the idea of a world where they
could be like this, able to hold a conversation, and be around each other. As much as Regulus
hated it, he’d never stopped craving it, James’ attention, his presence. When he wasn’t filled
with sharp bitterness, it was easy to remember how this had even happened. How despite
everything in Regulus screaming that James Potter was a bad idea, Regulus hadn’t been able
to turn away.

Despite the protective spell, Regulus’s wound still stung a little in the hot water and he
shifted uncomfortably. James settled himself down to sit on the floor, putting an arm on the
side of the tub and resting his chin on top.

“You’re getting your sleeve wet,” Regulus pointed out.

James just hummed in response, tilting his head to look up at Regulus with an unreadable
look.

Regulus poked James’ arm with a wet finger, carefully not thinking about the strange
casualness of the action. “What are you thinking,”
James bit his lip, lifting his head “I didn’t want to hate you. That’s what I thought when I
realized I did, I never wanted that.”

“Do you hate me now?”

“Hate? No. I think it’s something else, watered down, fuzzy around the edges. Not hatred,
more… angry grief.”

“Angry grief…” Regulus repeated, it made a strange amount of sense “I think I can
understand that.”

“I don’t feel it so much right now though,”

“What’s happening with us?” Regulus asked suddenly and James sat up fully.

“I don’t know,”

“Neither do I. It scares me, I don’t want to hurt each other anymore James,”

“It scares me too, because we will, Regulus. We have years’ worth of difficult conversations
left to have. We’re going to hurt, even if the war ended tomorrow and we lived the rest of our
lives in peace, it’d still hurt. We can’t undo or forget anything that we did to each other.”

“I wouldn’t want to,” Regulus said quietly.

“Do you regret it? Us?” James asked in a soft, aching way that told Regulus he already knew
the answer.
“Yes,” Regulus said because James had been offering honesty and he ought to do the same.
“It’s not because I wish it didn’t happen exactly, but at the same time, I do. If I could go back
in time and never have touched you I would. I- I regret that all it brought was pain.”

“I wouldn’t, if I had the chance I wouldn’t want to make it so it never happened.”

Regulus’s looked up eyes widening, had James not implied ages ago, Regulus’s first day here
that he did regret it? “You didn’t say that,” Regulus frowned “Sirius asked once if you
regretted it and you didn’t say no,”

“I didn’t say yes either,”

“Well, no, but… did you not imply it?”

“Reg… no, I implied I didn’t regret you. Honestly, it’s expected for me to be unable to read
between the lines but you’re far too brilliant to have not gotten that.”

Regulus raised his eyebrows “I’m afraid we both may be a bit stupid. I think we’ve had some
miscommunication that past few months.”

“We may be,” James sighed “but to be clear, I do not regret you. As much as it changed me,
in some bad ways, I think there was some good too. You were the first person I ever opened
up to, the first person to see past the ‘perfect, happy James Potter’ mask and teach me I didn’t
always have to be okay. I’m glad for that, I’m glad that you always offered my empathy and
care, but you never made me feel pitied. I’m glad that I had someone who was patient with
me through every up and down, you never faltered or flinched away from the worst bits of
me. Even now, I know that… I’ve been awful to you Regulus and while I think I’m entirely
valid and justified in how I felt, I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I’m sorry.”

“I think… I might have already forgiven you.” Regulus told him quietly “I’m sorry too,”
James was silent for a moment and Regulus chose to busy himself with beginning to wash his
hair so he wouldn’t have to look at James and see what he might be thinking. He scrubbed the
shampoo through with little care before slipping down, submerging his head under the water.
He didn’t come up for a long minute, reveling in the silence of the water in his ears. It wasn’t
until his breath began to ache in his chest that he finally came up, taking a gasp of air.

James was watching Regulus as he came up. Regulus wiped the water from his eyes blinking
away the drops from his eyelashes. James’ hand was hesitant as it reached forward, giving
Regulus the time to move away. He didn’t, letting James’ fingers brush his forehead as he
pushed the wet curls off his face.

“I will,” It took Regulus a moment to realize James was continuing the last part of their
conversation “I’ve already forgiven you a little, I think one day I will entirely.”

“You don’t need to,”

“I know, I don’t think I was even actively attempting to.”

James’ hand fell from Regulus’s forehead to gently cup his face before withdrawing and
leaning away from the tub. Regulus wanted to chase the warmth of James’ hand, wanted to
lean against his chest, and let everything just quiet for a moment like it used to when he was
pressed to James’ heart. He wanted to go back to a time before they’d been chewed up and
spat out by the world, but maybe that time had never existed. Maybe Regulus Black was
doomed to live a tragedy from the moment he was born, perhaps he would die like this,
broken and alone.

The water in the tub felt suddenly too hot on his skin, burning, and itching. Regulus could
feel the heavy thump of his heart, pounding through his chest. Everything was too loud, and
Regulus tried to breathe through it, but even his own breath was deafening in his ears.

“Regulus?” James must have noticed something had shifted because as Regulus looked up
his brow was furrowed in concern.
“I-“ Regulus’s voice sounded strange in his ears and the water no longer felt warm, instead it
was freezing, he could taste it on his tongue, the bitter lake from the cave. He could feel it
filling his throat, spilling into his lungs. Regulus gasped “need out- I need.” He tried to lift
himself from the bathtub pain shooting down his torso, he gasped, and James’ hands were on
him in an instant.

“Okay, okay, I’ve got you. Don’t hurt yourself, let me help you Reg.” His arms were strong
as he pulled Regulus from the tub, and everything felt so fuzzy that he didn’t even care that
he was naked or shaking pathetically.

“Hey, hey,” James’s voice was soft in his ear as he wrapped a towel around his shoulders,
pulling it tightly around him as he shivered. “I’ve got you,”

Regulus’s face was wet from the bath, and he didn’t realize at first that the drops of water
dripping down his chin were tears until James was wiping them away.

“Sorry,” Regulus gasped “water—“ he couldn’t continue his sentence but James didn’t seem
to mind.

“No, don’t apologize. Let’s get you dried off and dressed.” His voice was soft and calm,
unfaltering even as Regulus shook. It was familiar, James used to do this, help Regulus
through panic attacks, talk him down when he got too high and thought every shadow was
something out to get him.

He used to curl into a ball and just sob while James wrapped his arms around him like he
could use his own body to shield Regulus from the darkness creeping up on him. As awful
and pathetic as it always made him feel, it was hard to feel embarrassed when it was James,
not when Regulus had done the same for him. Had seen him lose control, episodes of ups and
downs before either of them knew there was a name for it.

James didn’t speak, as he dried Regulus off, helping him dress as much as he could. Regulus
was still shaking so much that James seemed to decide that just his shirt and pants were good
enough for now and he reached into the bathtub pulling the plug. The loud sound of the drain
made Regulus flinch and James quickly herded Regulus out of the bathroom. James took one
look at the stairs before turning to Regulus.
“Is it okay if I carry you down?”

If Regulus was able to get any words out he would have made some jab about whether James
was strong enough do to so, but no words seemed the make it past the tight knot in his throat,
so he just nodded.

James’ hands were gentle, careful not to touch near Regulus’s healing wound and Regulus
wrapped his arm instinctively around his neck as the other man lifted him easily. It may have
been hot, if not for the fact that Regulus’s breath in his ears made him want to rip his hair out
at that moment. James carried him down the stairs easily, stopping at the bottom to help
Regulus slip back onto his own feet, but he didn’t go far. James’ arm stayed wrapped around
him, a soft hand on the small of Regulus’s back, guiding him gently into the living room. The
conversation in the room stopped when they entered and Regulus heard James say something
softly and Sirius’s voice in return, but he felt like he was trying to observe the moment from
inside a fishbowl. Regulus couldn’t understand what they were saying, and he decided it
didn’t matter as James guided him onto the sofa, grabbing the blanket from the back and
pulling it around his shoulders. James started to pull back and Regulus reached back grabbing
his wrist.

“No, don’t go,”

He didn’t realize he’d spoken in French until James replied back, in his own slightly rusty
and uncertain French “Okay, I’ll stay,”

Regulus’s mother would have been appalled by James’ hesitation, she used to yell at Regulus
every time he paused while speaking another language. She was very particular about him
sounding perfect, fluent. Regulus had always liked James’ broken French, however. They’d
spent almost two years with Regulus trying to teach James and while he hadn’t been fluent
and his accent hadn’t been perfect, he’d picked it up fairly well. Now the sound of his
hesitant pronunciation was grounding, it reminded Regulus of where he was.

Not the cave, not alone, not drowning.

“Talk to me,” Regulus whispered.

James settled onto the sofa next to him and began to speak, his voice melodic. Regulus
couldn’t have said what he was even talking about, but as he continued his story his
confidence seemed to strengthen, and his French came more smoothly. Regulus let his eyes
flutter shut, falling into a sleepy state, anxiety slowly ebbing away.

He didn’t know how much time had passed or realize that James had finished his story until
he suddenly heard Sirius talking.

“What happened?”

“Panic attack, happens sometimes.”

“…to Regulus?”

“Hm yes,” James said and Regulus even with his eyes closed, could practically hear him
nodding “he just needs some rest to recover a little. He usually feels better the next day.”

“Wait-” Sirius’s voice was tinged with concern “I didn’t know he has panic attacks, does it
happen a lot?”

“Don’t know about these days, but it used to, especially when he started using. That’s… well
I think that’s why he started, but I don’t want to assume. I don’t know, Pads, you should
probably just ask Regulus about it. It’s not my place to say.”

“Maybe,” Sirius agreed “but not tonight, he’s sleeping.”

“Yeah, let him rest.”

There was a moment of silence and Regulus could have moved or opened his eyes so they’d
know he was awake, but he was so tired and frankly, he wanted to know what they might talk
about when they didn’t think anyone he was listening.

“I’m gonna go to bed Pads,” Remus said, and Regulus heard the rustle of him getting up.

“Okay, goodnight Moons,”

“You’ll… I mean will you—” The hesitation in Remus’s voice was sweet, Regulus had rarely
heard him so uncertain.

“I’ll come up soon,” Sirius said softly.

“Okay,” Remus sighed “good,”

“Love you, Moony,”

“Love you too, Sirius, and goodnight Prongs,”

“Night, Rem,”

They were quiet as the sound of Remus’s footsteps retreated.

“So, you’ve worked things out?” James asked, his voice soft as Regulus was still nestled
against his side, sleeping as far as they knew.

“More or less,”
“Meaning?” James prodded.

“That we’re trying,” Sirius sighed “you know us, it’s never been easy.”

“But you’ll be okay,” James said firmly “I knew that even when Moony left, I knew he’d
come back. For us, for you, Pads.”

“You had more faith than I did,” Sirius murmured. “I wasn’t so convinced,”

“You have low self-esteem,” Regulus had to stop himself from smiling at James’ bluntness.

“I’m not sure most would agree,”

“No, because you act like a wanker, but I know you. You don’t think highly enough of
yourself, you didn’t count on just how much Remus loves you. But I knew, I knew, and I
never doubted that someway, somehow, he’d be back for you, no matter what happened.”

“I suppose your right, but it’s not entirely my fault. Moony didn’t exactly make me feel like
he loved me that much.”

“I know, I’d hit him over the head if I thought it could have knocked some sense into him, but
I think he figured it out. So, no need for violence.”

“Yeah…” Sirius’s voice was quieter when he spoke again “I don’t want to jinx it… but I
really do think we’ll be okay. There’s never been anyone else for me. I try to imagine a life
without him, and I can’t, much less one with someone else. Since I was fourteen when I’ve
imagined my future, you know the cute little cottage, Sunday breakfasts, the works… it’s
always Moony at my side. If I try to picture anything else I feel sick, you know?”

Regulus was surprised by the sadness that tinged James’ voice when he spoke “I do,”
The was a pause and Sirius cleared his throat “you still haven’t said much about you and Lily
breaking up.”

“No, I haven’t. Things have been a little hectic since you found out,”

“That’s an understatement,” Sirius said dryly, he hesitated “But, can I ask about it?”

“Course you can, Pads. No secrets anymore, yeah?”

“Okay… well, uh- Lils was a little vague about why you actually ended things?”

James took a deep breath “It was right. We- well, we weren’t fully happy, not really. A
distance had grown between us and honestly, we weren’t sure if without the war, without
Harry, if we would have stayed together that long. Lily… she’s beautiful, brilliant, just
absolutely incredible, I’m not sure there's a person with a kinder soul than Lily Evans and she
deserved to be loved by someone who could give her more than I could. She’s not the love of
my life, I tried to make her into that, selfishly so, because I do love her. It didn’t work, and
that wasn’t fair to her. So, we ended things. I hated it at first because it felt like giving up, I
always thought we were just so close… you know? Like if only she’d gotten there first, let
me take her out in fourth year then she would have been it for me. Really that was stupid
though because I wasn’t the kind of person Lily would have loved when we were fourteen, I
had growing to do and she couldn’t have loved me sooner and I couldn’t have waited for her.
We were so close to being perfect together, but we were never going to be, and I think we’ve
both made peace with that… my mum always said that when I gave my heart, I gave
everything, all of it. That I jumped into things with everything I had, she was right because
by the time Lily came around I’d already given it all...”

Sirius was quiet for a moment, the only sound in the living room was the faint crackle of the
fire “…to Reg you mean?” he asked carefully.

James only hummed quietly in reply and Regulus felt the brush of his fingertips as he
brushed a curl off Regulus’s face.
“He always hated being touched,” Sirius said softly “growing up I was the only person who
was ever allowed to. He was so clingy too, it was sweet. He flinched away if anyone else as
much as stepped too close but then would drape himself over me at every opportunity.
Climbed on my back, gave random hugs, he’d crawl into my bed every time he couldn’t
sleep. But it was only ever me, even in Hogwarts when we started to grow apart that first
year, he’s still let me touch him. It was strange when I realized how easily he let Remus
close, squeezing his shoulder or grabbing his arm. It was nice though, even though I was a
little jealous that other people got to be close to my brother when I wasn’t. It’s nice to see
how much he trusts Remus, the two of you though… I mean I knew, I knew you’d been
together, you even told me the entire story, though, I know it must be the watered-down
version. Still, this… this is very strange, he trusts you so much, even after everything.”

“I’m not sure why,” James murmured “and for the record, it’s weird to me too. That he’d trust
me, this whole thing might be harder than when we were at each other’s throat. I’m not sure
what to do with it. We can never be like we were before, but I can’t just hate him either.”

“He’s the love of your life?”

James didn’t so much as hesitate “Yes,”

“Okay… you be careful with him Prongs, that’s my baby brother. Be careful with yourself
too, okay?”

“I’ll try my best,”

“Good,” Sirius said softly, Regulus heard the sound of him standing “I’m going to go to bed,”

“Hm, don’t want to keep Moony waiting,” James said suggestively, and Sirius scoffed.

“Believe it or not, I’m simply excited to curl up in his arms, I hate sleeping alone.”
 “I believe it,” James said, and Regulus could hear the smile in his voice “G’night Pads, love
you lots,”

“Love you more my beautiful, wonderful Prongsie, and don’t think you’re escaping an
interrogation over the fact that you apparently speak shitty French later,” Sirius called, and
James chuckled to himself as the sound of Sirius’s footsteps faded.

The silence stretched on in Sirius’s absence and Regulus felt himself drifting off to sleep for
real this time with James’ warm presence at his side. After a while, he was pulled slightly
from his hazy state as he felt James shifting and a whispered spell. After a moment he felt
James moving him slightly and realized the other man had managed to transfigure the sofa
into a bed beneath them without so much as jostling Regulus, it was impressive spellwork.
He let James gently place a pillow under his head and place another blanket over him, when
James rolled away, Regulus had to resist the urge to grab for him.

Regulus felt the bed dip as James stood, behind his eyelids he could see the room darken as
he put the fire out. A minute later Regulus felt James’ finger tracing the line of his jaw and
his hair tickled Regulus’s face as the older man leaned down to press a warm kiss to
Regulus’s cheek. He stayed there for a moment breathing deeply and he let his head rest in
the crook of Regulus’s neck for a moment.

“I’m sorry, I really hope you’ll forgive me,” he whispered his voice raw and pained.

If Regulus were a little less warm and sleepy he might have opened his eyes at that. Had
Regulus not already said earlier that he forgave James, what was he sorry for? However, the
night was quiet and James smelled like home and Regulus quickly forgot his confusion, sleep
claiming him. He could have sworn as his consciousness faded away that he heard a
whispered I love you, but maybe, it was all just a dream.

Chapter End Notes

Hi!

Omg aren't they all so lovely? I love these characters... wolfstar!!!!!!

This chapter was really just sweet tinged with a little bit of sadness (because of course
you know what you're reading at this point). It's the calm before the storm...

Thank you to everyone who's been leaving comments on this as well as asks on Tumblr!
I'm happy to answer any questions, so feel free to ask! ALSO please tag me on tiktok
@rweoutofthewoodsyet if you see anything about this fic! I was just scrolling through
my fyp the other day and saw somebody recommending anti-hero and I almost died of
happiness.

For any new readers, I update every Friday without fail, so I'll see you all back here next
week for a wild ride :))

find me on tumblr

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 Chapter Twenty
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Chapter Twenty

The knock came late.

At that point, James wasn’t sure who could possibly be left to turn up at his door in the
middle of the night. All the usual culprits were already soundly tucked into their beds and so
James was up instantly. His wand in his hand, pulling open his bedroom door.

Lily was coming out of her own room, and they met in the hallway. Down the hall, Remus
and Sirius’s door opened as well and they all stared at each other before hurrying down the
staircase. When they got downstairs Regulus was already up, standing in the doorway
shoulders tense.

“Were you expecting company?” He asked quietly.

Lily shook her head and James stepped forward “Lily, stand on that side out of sight, I’ll take
the other.” Regulus said, unphased, James figured fighting was something that came easily to
him at this point. “Remus, stay back, Sirius, upstairs with Harry. James, open the door
normally, whoever it is don’t immediately act like they’re a threat, it makes you look
suspicious.”

James nodded as Sirius hurried back up the stairs to Harry’s room. Taking a deep breath,
James lowered his wand, trusting his friends to have his back if it was a threat.
As he opened the door, he paused at the sight of the late-night visitor. He was fairly certain
there was someone up there pulling strings and having fun with James’ life because he was
met with yet another parallel. What felt like a lifetime ago, James had stood at Pandora
Lovegood’s door, watched her tense shoulders that told him she was hiding a wand, and
begged to be let in. At the time he’d thought Regulus dead and feared where Remus could
have strayed. Now, Pandora was at his door, rain dripping down her pale cheeks and sticking
her hair to her skin, while Remus was in the room behind him, and Regulus stood only feet
away.

“Sorry to intrude,” she said quickly “I know it’s late, but believe me this is incredibly
important.”

“What did we talk about when I came to visit you?” He asked quickly.

“Regulus,” she said instantly, and James couldn’t look over to see Regulus’s face, couldn’t
imagine what he was feeling at that moment.

“You gave me information, why did you do it?” He continued, not willing to simply accept
that as proof enough.

“Because I thought you must be the only other person in the world to still love him as well, I
trusted you. You were honest with me and we talked about love, the kind of lines you cross. I
saw a piece of him left over in you, that’s why I helped. Did you ever find, Remus Lupin?”

“Found but a bit more than just him,” James mumbled shaking his head “I’ll let you in, but I
need to check you for any enchantments first.”

“Of course,” Pandora said holding out her arms to be scanned despite the rain still soaking
through her clothes.

James worked quickly feeling a little bad, when she came up clean he glanced to Lily who
was still hidden to the side, and she nodded in agreement.
“Come in,” James said after a moment of hesitation, stepping back to let Pandora through.

She shivered as James closed the door behind her. “Thank you,” she said turning to him “I
know you have no reason to trust me.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to make it into the house if you had ill intentions, we have
strict wards.” James shrugged. “I’m only wondering what could be so urgent.”

Her expression turned quickly serious “Yes, well it is urgent. You see—” and then she
stopped, eyes fixed over James’ shoulder.

James turned to look at Regulus who seemed as equally frozen as Pandora and they both
stared at each other for what felt like the longest few seconds James had ever sat through.

“Uh- right,” James said awkwardly “I should probably have warned you. Um, a lot has
happened since we last talked.”

“Regulus?” Pandora whispered.

“Pandora…” Regulus swallowed “I- I’d heard you’d left?”

“I did, I came back. And I’d heard you were dead!”

“Got pretty close, but not yet.”

“Regulus Black…” she scoffed like she was about to yell but instead trailed off, shock
melting into something sad and soft. “You know,” she continued quietly “I should be
surprised but honestly, now that you’re here and I see you, I’m not sure how I expected
anything else. If anyone was going to come back from the dead, of course it’d be you… I
just- I mean, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Pandora…” Regulus said guiltily “I honestly had hoped to never see you again. When James
said you were gone, I was glad. You deserved to be as far from any of this as possible. I’m
sorry, but I don’t regret it. I shouldn’t have pulled you into everything in the first place.”

Pandora Lovegood must have been a better person than all of them (except for Lily perhaps)
because she just nodded, not a trace of anger on her face. Instead, she just looked terribly sad
“I’m unhappy, but I understand. However, we’re here now. All that’s to be done is move
forward.” She frowned deeply eyes scanning Regulus’s stomach, he wasn’t wearing a shirt
and the thick bandages were obvious. “What happened?”

“First a curse, then Barty.”

“…Barty?”

“He blamed me for Evan’s death,”

“Yes, I knew that. He’s… lost himself in the past few years. I tried to help but he didn’t want
it, he was consumed by his rage and grief.”

“He’s dead now,”

“I hope he didn’t suffer too much.”

“I don’t think he did,” Regulus said, which was true, Barty had died almost instantly.

“Maybe we should sit,” Lily said transfiguring Regulus’s bed back into a sofa, with a wave of
her wand. Sirius and Remus had joined them at some point, clearly realizing there wasn’t a
threat.
“Harry’s still asleep,” Sirius told Lily as he sat down across from Pandora eyeing her
suspiciously.

Regulus reached for his shirt which was draped on the side of the sofa, James sat next to
where he stood as he slipped it on. He didn’t really mean to watch Regulus but he’d found
himself doing that lately, ever since their conversation in the bathroom, they’d begun to find
new footing, becoming more comfortable with each other. Regulus winced slightly, almost
imperceptibly, as he got to the higher buttons, but James who’d been paying close attention
noticed. He reached out almost absentmindedly, not thinking as he tugged Regulus down to
the sofa, carefully buttoning the top ones for him. Regulus let him, which was really the most
surreal part. James quickly let go of the other man’s collar suddenly realizing what he’d just
done.

Pandora was watching them curiously as James let go and Regulus scooted a little farther
down the sofa, but not nearly as far as he could have. She turned from them as she noticed
Remus watching.

“I suppose you found what you were looking for?” She raised an eyebrow at Remus.

“More than I bargained for, certainly. You sent me in the direction of information on
Horcruxes and I managed to stumble across one of the only people with it, pure luck really.”

“And a bit of brains,” Regulus rolled his eyes “if it’d been Sirius or James to stumble into my
apothecary neither would have been able to put the pieces together.”

“Not true,” James protested “I knew it was you in that mask,”

This gave Regulus a pause and he spun frowning “How did you know? I did nothing to give
myself away.”

“Just did,” James shrugged “can’t explain it.”

“That doesn’t make sense,”

“Wouldn’t you know? I mean if our roles were reversed?”

Regulus paused “I mean, well, yes but—”

“Good, then you’re not going to argue with me about it,” he said quickly “now Pandora, I
figure we should probably get to the urgent reason you showed up at our door so late.”

“Probably, yes,” She said her expression becoming serious “as it seems you know, my family
and I fled not so long ago. I have a young daughter and I wanted to keep her from the war. I
thought we could start over somewhere far away, but… we were hunted. Death Eaters came
for us. Or one specific Death Eater I suppose, which is why I came to you. It was Peter
Pettigrew,”

James felt the way the air was sucked from the room.

“Peter?” Remus asked his voice hard.

“Yes, he tried to kill me and my family, and we escaped. I sent my husband and daughter far
away, somewhere even Voldemort couldn’t touch them and then… then I came here.
Pettigrew, he mentioned hunting down Order members, he mentioned you, the Potters and I
knew I couldn’t just disappear. James… you saved our lives by telling us to run. If we hadn’t
left when we did, my family and I would all be dead. I couldn’t run away without warning
you, without helping. I’ve stayed neutral on the war for my family’s sake, but I can’t
anymore.”

“So… you came to warn us?” James said somberly “are we in danger?”

“Yes, I think you need to move, hide your son, go somewhere safe.”
“Did Peter seem like he knew where we were?” Lily asked worriedly.

“No,” Pandora shook his head “but he thought I knew. He wanted me to tell him, don’t fear, I
didn’t. However, I’m only afraid if the Death Eaters could find me, it won’t be long before
You-Know-Who finds you as well.”

Lily looked to James, worriedly “we’ll have to leave,” she said quietly “we can’t take risks.”

James stood abruptly “we should go now,”

“Where?” Lily clasped her hands worriedly “I mean maybe I can bring Harry to Petunia
but…”

“Is that safe?”

“She’s my family, however, estranged we are she’ll take him in, care for him for a little
while. Might have to threaten her awful husband a little, but Harry will be safe. I’ll get her to
swear an oath of protection. Voldemort isn’t looking for Harry anymore, right? He’s more
concerned with us.”

“That’s true,” James took a deep breath “you better threaten Vernon, okay? I won’t have them
so much as casting an unkind glance at our son.”

“I would never let that happen,” Lily said firmly, she shifted uncertainly, she clearly didn’t
feel so great about the idea either “…you’re okay with leaving him with them?”

“I’m not happy, but you’re right. She’s your blood that does offer a certain power if you can
get Petunia to swear a protection oath.”

“I won’t leave without it,” she promised, “before I wake him, however, where are the rest of
us supposed to go?”
“Grimmauld Place,”

James turned to stare at Sirius in shock “really?”

“Yes, as much as I hate that house, it’s mine...” he frowned looking to his brother “well, and
Regulus’s I suppose since he’s still alive. But It’s protected by very old family magic and
impenetrable wards, the place is unplottable. We cast a fidelius and we’ll be as safe as you
can possibly get.”

“Sirius is right,” Regulus agreed “the Black inheritance is very… specific. We’re the only
two people left with the Black name, the house will only respond to us, even without all of
the protections on it. No one will be able to find us there.”

“Great,” Sirius said though he almost looked like he wished Regulus had disagreed with him
“no place like home,”

--

Regulus didn’t really think about things.

That was how he survived.

Drowning alone in a cave? Nope, that only came to him in nightmares. Two weeks of torture
and being forcibly drugged? He hadn’t had time to consider that yet. James Potter wishing
him dead? Nope! Regulus had very quickly and effectively forced himself not to think in
depth about how terribly that made him feel. He’d ignored the black pit growing in his
stomach and focused on the war around him.

Now, walking into Grimmauld Place… Regulus wasn’t going to think about that either. Not
the fact that almost nothing had changed since the day he left. He realized his mother must
not have set foot in that old house after Regulus ‘died’ because if she had, she would have
burned every trace of Regulus from the place.

Instead, he saw his old cloak hanging from the ugly coat rack, as they passed the kitchen he
noticed the chair was still pulled out from the last time Regulus had stood from it years prior.
Everything was untouched, like a moment frozen in time. Strangest of all was the fact that
Regulus knew people had been here. James had found the letter and even more recently
Remus had taken books from the library. He figured the library must have been touched, but
everything else in the old house, it seemed had been left exactly the same. No one had dared
to move a thing.

“Reg? You okay,” Sirius was looking at him with a furrowed brow.

He spun turning away from the kitchen doorway “I… I sat in that chair,” he told his brother,
pointing to it with a frown “right before I left. I sat down there, and I put on my shoes, and I
remember thinking mother would be upset that I put them on in the kitchen, she would have
thought it unsanitary. Then I thought she’d probably be much more upset when she realized
I’d defected and there was nothing she could do because I’d be dead, so I put on my shoes in
the kitchen. I stood up and I didn’t push the chair in either, then I left. I left and it’s been
years and the chair…” he gestured to it helplessly.

“Is still pushed out,” Sirius said in understanding “exactly where you left it.”

“Yes,”

Sirius squeezed his arm “come on,” he tugged Regulus away from the kitchen “let’s make
this place livable. You can put your shoes on wherever you fucking please now, mother is
dead. In fact, let’s get dirt all over.” He grinned and Regulus sighed pushing him without
malice.

“We still have to stay here,” Regulus protested “it’s a little contradictory of you to suggest
both cleaning this house up and getting it dirty in the same sentence.”

Sirius just grinned “I said make livable, not clean.”

“Well, I cannot live when I’m inhaling clouds of dust with every breath,”

Sirius rolled his eyes but cast a careless dusting spell anyway before bounding further into
the house to throw his arm around Lily who was examining the unsavory art on the walls.

“That’s strange,”

It was only years of friendship with Pandora that stopped him from jumping when she
suddenly appeared at his shoulder. “What, Sirius? Yes, he is strange.”

“The two of you,” Pandora smiled “I’m glad, I’ve always known you both still loved each
other deeply. That kind of brotherly bond is hard to truly break.”

Once Regulus would have argued, now he didn’t. She was right, she always had been.
Regulus needed Sirius and Sirius to some degree, somehow, seemed to need him as well.

Regulus only nodded to Pandora before turning away, she didn’t stop him. He headed up the
dark stairs, away from the soft and somewhat somber voices of everyone below. Regulus
almost stopped in front of the double doors of the library, but he forced himself to keep
walking until he came to the bedrooms. He stopped, studying his own initials on the door
before pushing it open. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been
the watery morning sunlight streaming through the windows. His heavy curtains had been
pushed back, and the room was warmer than the rest of the chilly house.

Instantly, Regulus knew that at some point Sirius had been in there. He’d always done that,
every single time he came into Regulus’s room, even when they were older, and it was only
to argue. Sirius always opened the curtains, complaining that Regulus was going to rot in the
dark. He’d probably been right, but Regulus hadn’t liked to see the glimpses of the outside
world when he knew he’d never be free. He felt strangely relieved to see that the perfectness
of his bedroom had been disturbed. The pile of newspapers had clearly been looked through,
and some of the books on his shelves weren’t straight. In fact, as he looked at the concealed
diaries he realized they’d been placed in the wrong order. Regulus didn’t feel as terrible as he
thought he should at the idea of Sirius possibly reading them, no what scared him was
something else. The thought of Sirius finding the most personal parts of Regulus he had to
hide.

Regulus hurried to his large trunk, throwing open the lid. It looked completely empty, and
most people would assume it was, but growing up a Black, Regulus had learned to hide.
Quickly, Regulus cast a revealing spell and reached down, pulling at the bottom of the trunk
until it gave, and there it was, his most prizes and private possessions, even more so than his
journals. He pulled out the piles of tightly bound parchment, casting a quick cleaning spell
before dropping them down on his now, far less dusty bed.

For a moment too long, Regulus just stared at letters. The one on the top of the pile seemed to
call, to pull him in. He knew exactly what it said, still with shaking hands, he tugged it out,
unfolding the parchment.

James, you will never read this…

Regulus stopped, swallowing hard. The stupid letter, the ‘love, R.A.B’ it’d been nothing, an
excuse so Regulus could say that he had left a goodbye. This? This letter was the real one,
the ones Regulus would never have left for James, the things he’d really wanted to say. He’d
been a coward; he was still a coward.

Stepping back, Regulus dropped the letter on his bed and turned, as usual, he tried not to
think.

--

“Can you find, Reg?” Sirius asked James “We should take a break from cleaning. It’s getting
late and we haven’t had lunch yet, I think we can scrounge something up with what we
brought,”

“I can help cook,” Pandora volunteered “I enjoy it,”

“Good,” Lily shook her head “because most of us cannot cook to save our lives,”

Sirius began to uselessly protest at that, and James took that moment to make his exit before
he was forced to take sides.

He climbed the stairs quietly, feeling like he was disturbing the icy quiet with each step. The
hall was empty as he looked around, but he could see a door cracked open slightly and he
stopped in front of it, realizing it was Regulus’s. He knocked softly, waiting for an answer.
There was only silence and slowly, James pushed the door open. The room was empty, and
James only took a moment to take in the dark green décor before his eyes fell on the open
trunk and the parchment left on Regulus’s bed. He didn’t mean to snoop, only stepped
forward reaching a hand out to see what it was, it was only as he saw his own name that he
paused.

Slowly James straightened out the parchment the rest of the way. It was stiff from being
folded for so long and slightly yellow at the corners.

James, you will never read this. I think it’s better that way, because knowing that, I can
actually be honest. Or perhaps it’s stupid. What’s the point when I know you’ll never read it?
Either way, I can’t die with these words inside my head.

I suppose this is my goodbye, it’s overwhelming. I’m not even sure where I could begin, I
have so much I never said to you. I suppose the first thing I should say is that I still think of
you often. I would want you to know that. To be aware of the fact that I’ve never forgotten
you. Even if you’ve forgotten me, I could never. Sometimes I think that when I’m gone, when
my skin has decomposed and my skeleton is bleached with time, they will find your name
etched into my bones. I would not be surprised to learn it as I often feel you there. Some
nights if I get high enough I imagine tearing off my skin and the muscles beneath so I might
be able to see it, but you probably don’t want to hear that.

That’s the other thing I suppose, I did not get sober, I got worse. I can say this because I know
you’ll never actually have to hear it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to stomach your
disappointment. You’ve always seen the best in me, and it makes me sick. It makes me want to
curl up and never open my eyes again because I’m not that person. I never was James, and I
never will be. I am a coward, we both know it, so I never understood why you kept waiting for
anything else. But, I’m doing it now, the right thing. I’m not doing it for you, keep in mind,
but it doesn’t hurt that I know you’d approve. Actually, I don’t know what you’d think of the
death part of my plan, but some things can’t be helped. War requires sacrifice and if I must
face death for the greater good, then that’s a small price.

I’ve already paid the highest price I could. I lost everyone I loved, I lost you.

Oh yes, and that… love. That’s the biggest thing, the one that I could never say, couldn’t even
write. And, while I was always sure that you must know, I’ve never known for certain. It’s in
every ‘I hate you’ and every time I called you Jamie or made fun of your hair. Every time I
yelled or hurt you, what I meant is I love you. I love you so much that I couldn’t stop hurting
you, couldn’t turn my back or cut our ties. I couldn’t even watch you go, and I know you must
have hated me for that. You must have wished for me to face what I’d done, to look at you and
feel it. I couldn’t, I loved you so much that I was afraid if I watched, I’d ask you to stay.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie… I love you too much to make you stay. I love you too much to keep
hurting you the way I did. I love you too much to ever ask you to choose me, because you may
have, or at least you would have wanted to. But for all the games of what-if, I was never
going to meet your mum, we were never going to have a house or pets or kids. There was no
happily ever after from the first time you kissed me. If I’d known then, just how much I’d
come to love you, I would have told you to stop. I would have walked away and left you there,
maybe a little confused and rejected, but otherwise okay. You accused me on occasions, of not
feeling the same, but the truth is I loved you enough, to never tell you that I did. I love you
enough that I will hide this letter somewhere and it’ll rot with this house, with my corpse, lost
forever.

The kindest thing I can do is set you free, is make sure you never hear any of this. Let you
move on, love someone better, kinder, stronger. I regret, that I am the person who shaped you.
I fear that my name is written on your bones too and I have tainted you down to your core. I
fear that you’re the love of my life, but most of all I fear that I am yours. I don’t want that
Jamie. I don’t want to hurt you even in death, I don’t want to linger on you like a ghost.

I pray, to every god and saint who has never done me even a scrap of good, that you do not
stay still. That the dust never collects on your shoulders, that your heart never even misses a
beat. I hope my death doesn’t touch you, I hope you shake your head and think ‘serves him
right’. I pray and pray that you never think of me. I pray that you take care of my brother and
forget that you ever loved his. I pray with every bit of power I have, though it may not be a
lot, that you are spared. I don’t want to hurt you even one more time.

I love you,

Regulus
James wasn’t sure how he even had the presence of mind to put the letter back on Regulus’s
bed and stumble out of the room. He couldn’t think, couldn’t gather any of his emotions into
something understandable. He walked back down the stairs with his head full of static, barely
registering Sirius’s voice when he walked back into the kitchen. There was guilt on his
shoulders, in his head, eating him alive.

“James, where’s Reggie? Didn’t you grab him?”

“Huh?”

Sirius’s brow furrowed in confusion, but James was saved by a voice behind him “I’m right
here,”

James couldn’t look, couldn’t see Regulus’s face if he wanted to avoid breaking down in tears
at the kitchen table, so he just sat staring that his fingers.

“Oh, there you are.” Sirius shook his head “I sent James up to get you ages ago,”

James could hear the frown in Regulus’s voice “I never saw him,”

“James…” Sirius said accusingly “where did you go?”

“I… got lost,” James said stupidly.

“Oh, well, I guess you’ve never been here before, I should have gone up myself sorry. This
house is massive.”

There was the scrape of a chair and still, James didn’t look up “That’s not true,” Regulus
said, “he has.”
 “What? When—” Sirius paused suddenly “oh… right we saw- with the Horcrux… um- so
why’d you get so lost then?” there was a moment of silence as Sirius waited for an answer
and James didn’t speak. He jumped when there was a sudden bang on the table. “James?”

He looked up finally, now that Sirius was demanding his attention “sorry, I dunno.”

“Okay,” Remus interrupted “before we all eat and lose our focus for the day. I want to discuss
this quickly, we were just talking about the last Horcrux, Ravenclaw’s diadem. Pandora drew
a diagram of what it looks like.” He gestured to the woman, and she nodded passing a piece
of parchment to Lily who looked at it closely before passing it on.

“You don’t by any chance know anything about it we don’t?” Regulus asked, though he
didn’t look particularly hopeful.

“No, it’s been lost for centuries. It would be incredible to find it, but there have been no
traces of it.”

“So,” Sirius sighed “we have absolutely no leads, how on earth are we supposed to find it?”

“Well, we don’t have to find a diadem that’s been missing for centuries,” Regulus began
slowly.

“Is that not literally what we need to do?” Sirius scoffed.

“No,” Regulus said “because it isn’t missing, is it? If Voldemort turned it into a Horcrux, that
means he already found it. We only need to find where he put it and if there’s one thing I’ve
learned is that Voldemort isn’t that hard to predict.”

Remus’s eyes widened “Oh, Regulus you’re brilliant. This whole time we’ve been acting like
we need to discover where the artifact went when it disappeared but if Voldemort already
found it, he did the hard part for us.”

Sirius absently passed James the piece of parchment with Pandora’s drawing on it and the
force with which everything suddenly clicked into place was so strong, James looked up,
almost sure it must have been audible.

“James?” Remus was holding his hand out for the drawing and James pushed it back to him,
heart beating in his ears as he stood.

“Something wrong Prongs?” Sirius nudged him. James just stood there. “Prongs?”

He was about to simply turn and leave when he remembered what Healer Potts had told him
about communicating “Uh…” he began quietly “I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed, I need a
minute.”

Sirius’s suspicion immediately melted into something softer “Course Prongs. Just be careful
not to wake that awful portrait of my mother, she’s loud.”

James really didn’t want to know what he meant by ‘loud’, and he nodded careful not to
make much noise. He didn’t know where he was going so he simply walked, heading up the
stairs and this time quickly passing the second floor with Regulus and Sirius’s bedrooms. On
the third floor, he found it was slightly brighter as there was a single window near the end of
the hall, and James needing something to focus on, set to work spelling off the grime and dust
so light could shine through.

When he was done it was brighter and he fell to the ground, sliding down the wall to sit under
the small patch of sunlight and closing his eyes.

“Trying to feel warm? I’ll warn you it’s hard in this house.”

James didn’t open his eyes and he could hear Regulus shuffle in place. “Do you want me to
leave? If you need space I will.”
“You can stay,” James said after a moment, his voice even as quiet as it was, carried in the
empty hallway.

James heard Regulus approach, it was funny how even while his eyes remained closed he
could picture him so clearly. The way he lowered himself down on the other side of the
hallway carefully, still more careful than usual with his injury, he could imagine Regulus’s
eyes on him, the paleness of his cheeks, illuminated by the sliver of light.

“I need to tell you something,” James whispered

James could imagine the look on Regulus’s face as his breath stuttered, hearing something in
James’ voice even before he knew what was going to be said. “Okay,”

“You might not forgive me for it,”

“…James?”

This time James did open his eyes. Regulus’s back was against the opposite wall, his knees
bent. James had been right, the sunlight shining on the floorboards reflected up onto
Regulus’s face, painting his cheeks brightly and leaving his sharp eyes shadowed. Regulus’s
gaze was heavy, tense as his eyes flicked over James’ face. The scars on his body were even
more severely visible this close and not for the first time, James wanted to trace a finger over
them, follow the one down his neck. Kiss around the wounds on his torso and bite at the older
scars, leave his own mark over all the others. He wanted to claim Regulus above anyone else
who had ever touched him.

James didn’t.

“I’m afraid, that consequences are soon going to catch up with me.” He said instead.
“What consequences?” And oh, Regulus knew. “James what did you do?” yes, he knew the
bad parts of James Potter in a way no one else did, No one else would have asked it like that.
He knew James had done something, he knew it was trouble.

“Something not great I’m afraid,” James admitted.

“Explain,”

“I don’t know if you’ll forgive me,”

“So you’ve said,”

“Everyone keeps assuring me I’m a good person, but they weren’t in my head. They didn’t
know how little I cared when I killed Barty, how I have not a single drop of remorse. They
don’t know the deal I made to get you back. They don’t know that I would have done worse,
much, much worse if it meant you’d live.”

“James, what deal?” Regulus said urgently, pushing onto his knees to kneel in front of James,
he was blocking the sun now and it made a sort of halo around his head.

“With Dumbledore,” James whispered. “He wanted me to bridge a gap or some bullshit, I
agreed as long as he gave me the information I needed.”

“That’s not all you did, James. Not just a deal, what is else?”

“I alerted him when we left, he’ll come, here.”

Regulus took a sharp intake of breath, his voice nearly deadly “you did what?”
“Everyone else, they’ll be fine, they’re Order members, even Pandora won’t have trouble but
you… you’ll be a test subject at best and an enemy at worst. Dumbledore will want to wring
you dry of everything you know, and he’ll toss you aside like a toy when he’s done.”

“I know,” Regulus whispered, his gaze was harsh but his anger seemed far more contained
than James expected. “That’s why I’ve stayed far from the Order, why would you do this?”

“Because you’re going to leave,”

“I’m going to leave?” Regulus repeated.

“Yes, why do you think I’m telling you? You’re going to leave and I’m going to help you. I
had to make that deal with Dumbledore, I had to obey his rules and demands. I don’t regret it,
I’d do it a hundred more times if it meant getting you back. Okay? So, hate me, never forgive
me for it, I don’t fucking care. I’d do far worse for you Regulus. I don’t think Dumbledore
counted on just how far I’ll go, I don’t think he understands how much I love you. Because
he can’t have you either, I will kill him before I let him lay even a hand on you. So yes,
Regulus you’re leaving. You’re going to destroy the pocket watch and then you’re going to
go get that diadem and kill Voldemort.”

“I’m not sure if you were fucking listening, but we don’t know where it is!”

“I do,”

And the world seemed to pause, just for a second. Regulus just blinked, the dust floating
around them, painted white by the sun.

“What do you mean?”

“I recognized it, from the hidden room. It’s there, Regulus, I’ve seen it.”
Regulus did the last thing James expected, he laughed. “Oh my god, oh my fucking god…”
he whispered, “are you telling me you know where the last Horcrux is, the key to killing
Voldemort and ending the war because you saw it in the room we used to shag in?” He
rocked back on his knees hysterically “oh my fucking god. Years of torment and regret, I’ve
wished I could undo us so many times and the key to winning this lies with the fact that I
made the poor choice to fuck James Potter? After everything? What kind of sick joke is
this?”

Then James was giggling too, because actually, yeah, what the hell? “I guess I was good for
something,” he grinned.

Regulus leaned close again “No,” he said fiercely, any anger from before gone from his gaze
“you’re good for a lot more than that.”

“I made a bad decision,” he whispered unable to tear his gaze from Regulus’s dark eyes, there
was a storm, a dark ocean swirling in them. Dangerous, deadly and most of all, determined.

“You did,” Regulus agreed “but I’m alive and you’re alive and we know where the last
Horcrux is. So, we can worry about that later. Right now, we need to leave.”

We?

“We?”

“Yes, get your ass up James, we’re going to save the wizarding world.”

“Wouldn’t Remus be better, or Lily—”

“Neither Remus or Lily is the one who just told me Dumbledore is coming for me and they
know where the Horcrux is. So, let’s go before I decide I’m angry with you and push you
down the stairs.”
 “You wouldn’t,”

“I might,”

James smiled because Regulus was being mean to him, normal mean, casual mean. It was
warm and familiar, something soft bloomed in his chest.

“Okay, let’s go save the wizarding world.”

Regulus stood holding out a hand, James took it.

Chapter End Notes

This chapter hates me and I hate this chapter. I made so many changes to the previous
chapter since I wrote this part and as I've pretty much finished writing this entire fic I
know I don't have room to do some of the things I wanted to here. This is the point
where the ending became clear to me and looking at it now that I wrote the end I'm
feeling unhappy with it, but there are just no viable changes to be made here that won't
involve shifting like 50k words after. So here we are, please enjoy anyway... :( I've said
it before and I will again I'm just a college student writing for fun, so don't expect
perfection.

(if you noticed I stopped capitalizing Death Eaters for a while and then started again,
don't mention it, okay? I made a mistake... I'm also in a constant battle of whether James
possessively is James' or James's... )

See you next Friday!

also I made a twitter, pls go say hi to me :) )

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Number Twelve Grimmauld Place

1983

“Should someone go find James and Regulus?” Sirius frowned, crossing his arms and
looking towards the stairs suspiciously.

“Leave them be,” Lily said sternly “they’re finally able to have a conversation without
blowing up, let them.”

“But- but what if they’re… you know.”

“Padfoot,” Remus sighed “I highly doubt they’re shagging if that’s what you’re implying. It
took months for them to even talk to each other, Lily’s right let them be.”

“I still don’t like it,” Sirius grumbled “James is like my brother, he can’t be in love with my
other brother.”

“Well, not when you say it like that,” Remus said, “don’t make it sound incestual.”

“That’s a family tradition though,”

Remus didn’t mean to laugh, and he quickly smothered his snort, but Sirius caught it, his pout
breaking into a small grin. Sirius always seemed to think making Remus laugh was the
biggest accomplishment.
It wasn’t until an hour later after they’d eaten lunch and the sun was high in the sky that
Remus checked the time with a frown “Okay, maybe someone should go find James and
Regulus now,” he said, “it’s been a while.”

“I’ll go, I know every hiding place in this hellhole,” Sirius said standing.

Remus didn’t think much of it, more focused on listening to Pandora and Lily’s conversation
as Sirius disappeared into the house. He didn’t think much of it until Sirius’s footsteps were
pounding down the stairs.

“They’re not here,” he said his voice panicked.

“What?” Lily asked, quickly standing in shock.

Remus didn’t stop to listen to whatever they were saying he simply stood heading into the
other room where they’d left their things. He knew Regulus, knew him in a way the others
didn’t, even Sirius. Because Remus had worked with Regulus for months, had helped create
plans, spells, schemed, and fought together. Sure enough, he confirmed his suspicions in an
instant heading back into the kitchen.

“The Horcrux is gone,” he said interrupting the frantic conversation everyone else was
having.

They spun to face him gaping in surprise, Lily was the first to recover “They took it? Why
would they do that?”

“Regulus?” Remus said “well that’s obvious, he’ll destroy it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he
thinks he’s protecting us. He’d want to finish this on his own. The real question is why James
is gone as well.”

“I mean… if Regulus asked him to come he would,” Lily said slowly.

“But Regulus wouldn’t ask,” Sirius said quickly “he’d never. Look, I know my brother. He
wouldn’t bring James into this if he could help it, so there must have been a reason.”

“We never did find out how James knew where Regulus was when he went missing,” Remus
said quietly.

There was a moment of heavy silence while that sunk in. Pandora opened her mouth to speak
but was interrupted by the ding of someone passing through the wards, they barely had time
to draw their wands before Album Dumbledore was stepping into the kitchen, looking
entirely unperturbed by the four wands pointed at him.

“Now none of that,” he said easily “let’s have a conversation,”

--

It wasn’t quite as strange as Regulus expected it to be, running away with James Potter.

He’s imagined it before, only ever so briefly. The idea had involved a lot more settling down
in a nice faraway country and a lot less sand in his hair, regardless Regulus had thought about
it. The world was an easier place to exist in when it was only the two of them. Forgetting
about anything else was easy, it was how Regulus had allowed himself to keep James so long,
he’d been able to push it all aside.

It was strange to destroy the Horcrux with James at his shoulder. Desert heat beat down as
Regulus cast the spell without Remus next to him. Strange to catch James’ eyes when the fire
had faded, flitting to Regulus’s face and then away. Regulus remembered last time, the flash
of James’ pain, the surge of grief that had consumed him.

The thing was, Regulus had known he’d hurt James, known the other man had mourned him.
Yet, knowing was different than seeing it, feeling the raw anguish. Regulus Black knew hurt.
He knew the way pain dug its claws into the softest and warmest parts of a person and tore
until there weren’t enough pieces left to make a person out of. Darkness had been growing
inside his bones since he was a child. Regulus wasn’t unfamiliar with the notion, but the idea
of James Potter feeling that way towards him, Regulus had never even considered before
then. As much as James had said he’d loved Regulus, as much as Regulus had for the most
part believed it, he’d never actually known it. Not in the way he did now when the proof was
undeniable. James Potter had crossed every line for Regulus, he had mourned him in a heart-
wrenching, undeniable, all-consuming anguish.

Regulus was the love of James’ life. When Lily said as much, Regulus had told her 'maybe'.

Maybe, but either way, it didn’t matter, and that was the thing, wasn’t it? It hadn’t mattered.
Regulus was afraid it mattered now; he was scared to fucking death it did.

James helped Regulus put away the supplies, he gathered the smoking corpse of the Horcrux
and it mattered. He followed Regulus’s instructions carefully, listening with intent and it
mattered. James took Regulus’s hand without even a moment’s hesitation, trusting Regulus to
apparate them wherever he pleased and fuck, fuck, fuck, it mattered.

Regulus hated camping, unfortunately, on such short notice there weren’t many other options.
The old tent he and Remus had used in the past was in the bag of supplies they’d quickly
grabbed from Grimmauld Place and Regulus bit back his scowl at the situation. James to his
credit, seemed to be taking their predicament in stride, he began setting up the tent with ease,
noting with a grin that he used to camp with his parents. There wasn’t much for Regulus to
do after that aside from listening to James ramble on about his camping stories as he secured
everything for them, even beginning to set up a range of protective spells around the tent
without Regulus saying a word.

It wasn’t that Regulus thought James was soft. He’d been a part of the war for years, worked
for the Order, and seen the battlefield. When Regulus had first pulled Remus into his suicide
mission for the Horcruxes, he’d expected a certain sharpness and swift acclimation from him.
Remus was quick and daring, the first person to discover Regulus was still alive, Regulus
hadn’t been surprised by how well he’d handled the sudden change. But James was different,
never the one to dig, to pull at threads he shouldn’t, or step out of the boxes he was given.
Except… clearly Regulus hadn’t been giving him enough credit.

Had James not done exactly that the moment he’d gone after Regulus? He’d found a thread
best left alone, pulled, and then despite every terrible thing that came after… just kept
pulling. James didn’t flinch away from the truth, didn’t pretend Regulus was someone he
wasn’t, even when James thought him to be dead. James had met every sharp ugly part of
Regulus head-on and had never really cared that Regulus was everything he wasn’t supposed
to love. Sure, he’d turned away eventually, but not until he’d exhausted every possible
option. Not until he was absolutely certain that Regulus had made his choice. He’d hated
James for that, for turning his back, giving up on him the same as Sirius and Dorcas had.
Eventually, however, Regulus realized the only common factor there was him. He’d pushed
away every good person in his life, he’d made his choices and they’d been the wrong ones.
He would spend the rest of his life trying to make better ones. Regulus didn’t blame James
anymore.

James who was sharper than he let on, who under his warm smile and soft eyes would do
anything for the people he loved. Who would cross every line in the fucking book and would
feel no regret or remorse, not if he was doing it out of love. And that love… the huge
consuming love that Regulus had as a child, been jealous of Sirius and his friends for
receiving, was directed at Regulus just as much as it was Sirius, Remus, or Lily.

Regulus was sharp too, far too sharp to lay a hand on James Potter again.

“What are you thinking about?”

Regulus blinked, the tent coming into focus around him. James had cast a soft light to
illuminate the space and despite the dire circumstances, it actually felt quite warm and
comfortable.

“What?”

“You’re staring very hard at the wall, so either the tent has done something to incur your
wrath, or something is on your mind.”

Regulus turned to look at James “I hate this tent,” he said, “I hate camping.”

“I know,” James said simply as if that wasn’t the most painful gut-wrenching thing he could
have possibly said.
Okay, maybe the painful ache the words caused wasn’t really James’ fault, but still. Because
of course, James knew. He knew Regulus inside and out and that really wasn’t helping the
whole thing where Regulus was trying to make it not matter.

“I know you do,” Regulus snapped, and maybe it was tinged with far more bitterness than
warranted.

“Reg?”

“Sorry,” Regulus said immediately, rubbing at his forehead where a headache was forming
“sorry, sorry.” He whispered, letting his head fall into his hands.

He heard the sound of James getting up but didn’t acknowledge it until the other man was at
his side. “Tell me,” he urged softly.

“This is hard,” Regulus muttered “everything has always been hard. I don’t think there’s ever
been a moment in my life where it wasn’t all just a fight to survive, I don’t know when I
stopped trying.”

“…to survive?” James asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” Regulus breathed finally looking up to meet James’ gaze “I gave up,”

“I remember,”

“I know,” this time there was no bite, just the acknowledgment that yes, of course, James
knew. He’d been there, he’d seen the slow and graceless descent of Regulus Black. “I lost
myself, in the drugs, the violence. I couldn’t face who I’d become so I just didn’t. I didn’t
think about it, didn’t ask questions or examine every horrible cruel thing I did. Then one day,
a switch in my head just… flipped. I didn’t care about surviving but if I was going down I
was bringing the whole fucking world with me. I wanted to burn it to the ground, everything
I’d been forced into, every bit of darkness.”

“And you did,”

“Almost… but that wasn’t the only thing I wanted to burn down. I wanted to destroy all of it,
to make every person, every adult who was supposed to be good suffer. Everyone knew what
my parents were like, the professors knew, Dumbledore knew, yet they let us go back to that
every year. I was a child, I couldn’t protect myself, and by the time I could, I wanted to ruin
them for it, for failing me, us.” Regulus swallowed “Sometimes I scare myself. You haven’t
really seen it, these past months despite everything that’s happened have felt almost like an
interlude. Like for a little while I was just Regulus, but I’m not. The first time I saw you and
Sirius again I said Regulus Black was dead, it wasn’t true. I ran off to Italy, hid myself away,
took a fake name, and worked quietly. I tried to pretend but the day Remus walked through
the door and called me by my real name, it was over. I am the same person who took the dark
mark at sixteen, I am the same person who stood by like a coward, I’m the same person who
saw an opening and decided to take down Voldemort singlehandedly. I thought I could beat
back the sharp bits, I can’t, and I won’t. I have to do whatever it takes. I don’t care what
Dumbledore says, you can’t win a war with love.”

“Maybe not, but love doesn’t exist in a vacuum.” James said quietly “sure, it’s no weapon on
its own, but it spurs a person forward, makes them do things they might not otherwise. It’s
why Remus went with you in the first place isn’t it?”

“Yes, he said he had everything to lose. That was his reason…”

“What was yours,”

Regulus looked to James, watched the way the flickers of light painted a fire in his dark eyes,
shadows dancing across his strong jaw “I had nothing to lose,”

“Is that true?”

“It was at the time,”

“And now?”

“…it’s not,”

James just watched him in the space between their words, something intense flickering across
his face, gone before Regulus could place the emotion. He leaned in closer, enough to nudge
into Regulus’s space. “So maybe as stupid as it sounds, love is the key. Maybe in a much
more violent way than Dumbledore envisioned, but still. Love isn’t necessarily always warm
or soft, and it certainly doesn’t make you soft. Yes, you’re the same person who took the
mark, the same person who hurt people, but you’re also the same person who taught me it’s
okay to not be okay. You’re the same person who gave up everything so Sirius wouldn’t have
to. I’m not scared of you Regulus or what you may be capable of, as long as you aren’t scared
of what I could do. You’re allowed to be angry, to want to tear down the whole damn world...
but at the end of the day, only you can decide which lines you cross, and which are best left
alone. It’s on your shoulders Regulus, but if you think I’m about to flinch away, you’re
wrong.”

“Haven’t you already?” Regulus asked, accusingly. And maybe, that was still a point of strain
between them, maybe Regulus still blamed James for leaving him in the same way he blamed
Sirius. Even though he never would have forced or even necessarily wanted them to stay, the
abandonment still stung.

“No,” James said firmly “I did give up on you, I did leave, and I regretted it for a long time.
But what else was I supposed to do? I knew it was over as soon as you gave me your ring. I
wasn’t going to change your mind and I couldn’t stand by while you became a Death Eater. I
knew you Regulus, I knew even when you didn’t, that you didn’t want it. I knew that
eventually you’d snap and either you’d get out or it’d kill you. I couldn’t watch it happen, not
when I’d done everything I could. I never flinched away from you; I never pretended you
were anything aside from who you are. Maybe you’ll never forgive me for leaving, maybe it
was selfish, but I don’t see what else I could have done. We did everything we could, we
were at an impasse Regulus.”

The thing is, Regulus knew this was true. He wished it wasn’t but if he could go back and
change the way they’d handled things, what could he even change? The truth was, they were
stuck, from the second Regulus had taken James Potter’s hand on the quidditch pitch, from
before that even. From the day Sirius Black got on the train to Hogwarts and ended up in a
compartment with James, the thread was there. Pulling, twisting, sharp, and rooted between
them, pulling Regulus into James’ orbit. Pulling him into a war, a Horcrux hunt, pulling
Remus into his life, and then somehow Lily. Then James and Sirius were back, and they were
all so hopelessly and inexplicably tangled together.

Regulus thought, maybe from the moment he was born, forced cruelly into a world, into the
arms of parents who would never truly love him, he was already fated to fall tragically in
love with James Potter. Maybe even if Regulus had walked away from James that day on the
pitch, they would have fallen back into each other anyway.

Or maybe… maybe there was a world out there it never happened. Where James never
looked his way, where Regulus was wearing his ring when he went into that cave, where he
never came back out. Maybe a decade or two later someone would have stumbled upon that
decoy locket with his note, and they’d have no idea who he was. They wouldn’t know that his
body was rotting at the bottom of that lake.

In this world, however, Regulus hadn’t been able to turn away when James had smiled at
him, hadn’t been able to do anything but let himself become painfully tangled up in the
thread hanging between them.

“We were,” Regulus said finally, and there it was. Just a sliver, a tendril of acceptance
between them. “You did everything you could, and so did I. You couldn’t stay, I couldn’t ask
you to. I couldn’t leave, Dumbledore wouldn’t help me, my parents would never let
themselves be without an heir and I’d never let Sirius go back. We were children—” his voice
caught on the last word “we were children, and we did the best we could.”

James’ eyes were glassy and he nodded, swallowing hard “Yes, we were. Regulus wasn’t sure
what he was expecting James to say next, but it certainly wasn’t the words that fell from his
mouth “I know you loved me,”

“I…” he froze “well, I always knew you must have, known,” Regulus said weakly, trying to
ignore the heavy thump of his heart.

“No,” James said fiercely, his jaw clenched “I. Know.” Regulus didn’t know what he meant
by that, and he just blinked in confusion “I read your letter,” James continued, looking a little
guilty by the admission “I truly didn’t mean to snoop, Sirius sent me to go find you and I
went to your room and it was on your bed.”
Regulus froze, that letter. “You read it…” Regulus repeated in horror.

“Sorry,” James said weakly “but also I’m not. I’m not because I knew you never would have
told me, but I needed to hear it, to know it. I needed to know you loved me.”

“I don’t understand what difference it makes,” Regulus crossed his arms “you always knew
to some degree, even though I refused to say it. What do the words ‘I love you’ change.”

“Say it,”

Regulus blinked “say what?”

“Say you loved me,”

“I love you,”

It was James’ turn to freeze in surprise “I- I said ‘loved’. Regulus, I said you should say you
loved me.”

“Would you rather I said that?”

“Would you mean it?”

“Yes, but I meant what I just said too.”

“That you love me,”

“I love you,”

“Present tense?”

“Present tense,” Regulus agreed quietly.

James looked like he was torn between crying, throwing up, and just giving in and kissing
Regulus within an inch of his life, in the end, he did none of those things. The twisted
expression softened slightly, and James scooted back standing to go back to his own sleeping
bag. He waved his wand extinguishing the soft light. It was only as darkness covered them
that Regulus could just barely make out the whisper of his voice.

“I love you too,”

Present tense.

--

No one really knows what to say when somebody dies. It hardly matters how many times it
happens, or how used to it you get. And you do, get used to it, that is. As absurd as it sounds,
when war becomes everyday life, so does death. The body count rises until it’s not a
fathomable thing Until it loses its meaning. Just bodies, not people, not humans with lives,
dreams, and loved ones. Just corpses to be added to the list of casualties. Still, there’s still
that pause, just the briefest moment of silence, because no one knows what to say. Then,
because of the frequency of such news, the conversation moves on.

Lily doesn’t.

Her ears were ringing, the room spinning around her. Dumbledore had moved on in his
speech, but the words don’t penetrate through the dizziness, the freefall of her heart. No, Lily
didn’t move.

“Lils?” Remus nudged her, voice barely above a whisper.

Lily couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even shake her head or turn to her friend. She couldn’t live on
a second longer because Mary Macdonald was dead. Dead.

She stood, her chair scraping loudly against the stone floor of Grimmauld Place’s kitchen,
Remus’s hand reached out for Lily as she left, Dumbledore paused, blue eyes watching her,
but no one stopped her. No one said a word.

Or maybe they did, Lily couldn’t hear over the screaming in her head. Mary was dead.
Beautiful, bold, and incredible Mary. Mary, who Lily believed had escaped, who got to live
her life far from the death and destruction happening in wizarding Britain. Mary, who Lily
only woke up every morning knowing that she was safe.

She’d been hunted to California where she’d been working as a muggle teacher, or so
Dumbledore had said. Killed the end of summer, ages ago. She’d been dead for months and
Lily hadn’t known.

Lily couldn’t breathe, she fell to her knees in the entryway, crawling to sit on the bottom of
the staircase, her breath coming out in stuttered gasps. She wanted James. She had the
strangest memory of the glimpse of his grief, falling to the ground in this very same house.
She knew he’d understand. Even though Lily losing Mary was nothing like James losing
Regulus, he’d understand.

Or maybe it was. Had Lily not loved Mary with every part of herself? Had she not held onto
the memory of her for years?

Mary had been one of the first muggleborns Lily had met on her first day at Hogwarts when
she was entirely unfamiliar with the wizarding world and terrified of being thrust headfirst
into a new world. Mary had burst into her train compartment with a smile, swinging herself
down on the seat across from Lily with little ceremony.
“Hi, I’m Mary,” she’d said “do you have any idea what’s going on because someone was
talking about some crazy sorting test and I’m about to go mental, no one in my family has
magic. It was a real shock when an owl flew into our kitchen.”

“Oh,” Lily had blinked “I’m Lily, my family doesn’t have magic either, though I read the
term for non-magic people is ‘muggles’. I think my sister had a heart attack when I got my
letter as well, wouldn’t stop screaming.”

Mary grinned broadly “ah good, it looks like I found the one normal person on this train,”

“I think to them this is normal…”

Mary stopped to consider this “Oh Jesus, are we going to become like all these other strange
wizards? I don’t care how awesome magic is, I’m not giving up my records. Do you think
wizards have records?”

“Maybe like… magic records,” Lily frowned “but we’ll still go home for holidays, so it’s not
like we’ll be cut off from the normal world entirely.”

“True, this stuff is cool and all, but I do like my normal life.”

The compartment door opened, and a blonde girl stepped in, pausing nervously when she
realized it was occupied.

“Oh, come in!” Mary didn’t hesitate at all “I’m Mary and this is Lily, do you want to sit with
us? What’s your name? Are you a first year as well? Is your family magic?”

“Oh,” the girl looked relieved to be invited in but a little overwhelmed by Mary’s
interrogation. “I’m Marlene, I’m a first year too. My family are all wizards, I have three
brothers here at Hogwarts already.”
“Oh really! Do you know what the sorting ceremony is then? Because I really don’t know
any magic, so I don’t know how well I’d do,”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Marlene said sitting down, pulling at her long plait “no one knows magic
yet unless you come from a very rich pureblood family, then they get fancy tutoring. But only
a few families are like that.”

“So, what’s the sorting?” Lily asked curiously.

“My brothers used to tell me you have to do a duel, but my mum said they were lying,
apparently you put on a hat, and it knows what house you belong in.”

“A hat…” Mary repeated dubiously.

“A talking hat,” Marlene amended like that made it any better.

“Well, that’s better than a duel or whatever,” Mary shrugged, shooting Lily an amused look.
They were the two muggleborns, in it together.

That never changed. When the three of them were placed in Gryffindor together they became
inseparable and of course, Lily loved Marlene just as much, but it was always in a slightly
different way than Mary.

With Mary, it was always like there was a wire pulled taut between them. It didn’t matter
where they were or what was happening, they always seemed to seek each other out, stand
side-by-side, find each other’s gazes in a conversation. A single look, a raised eyebrow could
tell an entire story between them. There’s always been something intense and unspoken there.
Lily had never touched it, it’d scared her. Now she’d never get a chance to, and the notion
was so painful Lily wanted to squeeze her eyes shut and scream.
She was the only one left, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary… they were all dead and it was just Lily.

It was just her…

--

Sirius looked to Remus as Lily departed, unsure if they should go after her but Remus
quickly shook his head “give her a minute,” he whispered.

The news of Mary’s death was devastating, they’d all thought she’d gotten out, but Lily had
always been especially close to her. They’d existed in a space Sirius had never really
understood, they’d always just gotten each other, and Sirius knew Lily missed her terribly,
but they all knew it was better. They were glad that someone had escaped the war as
unscathed as possible. Except apparently, that wasn’t true. Dumbledore hadn’t given many
details, only that she’d been hunted down specifically. It reminded Sirius of what Pandora
had said, that she’d tried to escape Britain only to be followed. This was a hunt, an agenda.
The Death Eaters weren’t just fighting for control anymore, they were targeting specific
people and picking off anyone who might stand against them one by one.

All of that felt like a minor realization under their current circumstances. Apparently, James
had betrayed them. Or no, not exactly... Six months ago, Sirius would have seen it that way,
James had sold them out to Dumbledore, then ran off. Except, he’d done it to save Regulus’s
life. How could Sirius fault him?

Sirius had a few long talks with Remus after reconciling, one of them Remus had asked
Sirius what he would have done if he’d been in Remus’s place. The first thing would have
probably been to punch Regulus in the face, the second would have been the same thing
Moony had done. If he had a chance to keep the people he loved safe, if he could end the war,
of course, he would have jumped at it, even if it meant turning his back on his loved ones. It
would have been a sacrifice he’d have been willing to make, even while Sirius thought he
wouldn’t have lied or manipulated anyone in the process, the truth was he couldn’t know that
for sure. You never really know how you’d react in a situation until you’re in it, and despite
what people might think, Sirius was mature enough to admit that.

So as upset as he was, Sirius didn’t fault James at all. Nevertheless, he was still extremely
pissed off by the situation as Dumbledore had proceeded to march the entirety of the Order
into his childhood home, insisting that they explain to him and everyone else exactly what
they’d been doing and what had been found. At least Dumbledore didn’t seem to consider
them traitors and he’d been perfectly kind so far.

“…so you can understand that there’s been an escalation on Voldemort’s side,”

Sirius was trying to listen to Dumbledore, but it was hard. Hard when Lily was still in the
other room, when Remus’s hand was on his thigh, jaw clenched in a way that told Sirius he
was fighting the urge to flip a table. It was hard when the entire Order was in the kitchen of
his family home (though that, Sirius didn’t mind so much for the fact that his mother was
probably turning over in her grave), and it was especially hard because Andromeda was
across the table from him, watching intently. Sirius hadn’t talked to her in years, not since
Regulus had died… or well, no- pretend died. Sirius hadn’t been able to deal with it, to be
reminded of his family, so he'd stopped returning her letters and she hadn’t pushed. Andy had
a young daughter and she didn’t often participate in the Order actively, so Sirius hadn’t seen
her in years. He wondered if anyone had told her at that point that Regulus was alive. Now
her eyes were fixed on him and Sirius shifted under the intensity of her gaze.

“Now, in the past year, there’s been a division among us. It’s disappointing, but not entirely
unexpected, this is war. People do drastic things when the stakes are high enough, so while
I’m sure many of you feel inclined to throw around blame, I may remind you that we are all
fighting for the same thing. We’re all now caught up on most matters, so I’ll turn the floor to
the real reason I called you all here. Last year I tasked Remus Lupin with doing research for
me, he was meant to look into a piece of dark magic called Horcruxes, which I believed
Voldemort was using to gain immortality.”

Remus shifted in his seat and Sirius covered the hand which was still placed on his thigh with
his own. Instantly, Remus turned his hand over, lacing their fingers together under the table
and Sirius squeezed reassuringly.

“Not long after, he departed from home, abandoning his work here. Some of you were there
when he resurfaced, and an altercation took place. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to have a
discussion as he quickly disappeared again along with Regulus Black, a former Death Eater
who up until that point, was believed to be dead.” Andromeda stilled eyes widening ever so
slightly, ah, so she didn’t know about Regulus. “I’d like to give Remus the chance to explain
the situation and I hope we can all listen with open minds. It’s important that we stand unified
in these trying times, regardless of our differences.”
Remus’s grip on Sirius’s hand tightened but he didn’t outwardly show any signs of his unease
as he straightened.

“Yes,” Remus said slowly “I’ve known many of you for many years, I’ve thought of you very
highly and I hope the feeling was at least in the past, mutual. In the last year you may have
come to consider me a traitor. I abandoned the Order, I lied and manipulated, however, I’ll be
very clear, I regret that my actions have hurt people, but I don’t regret anything I’ve done…”
he said firmly “When I began researching Horcruxes I found notes, from Regulus Black who
I believed to be dead. I hadn’t known him before, we were in different years, and in different
houses at Hogwarts. We didn’t run in the same circles, but I found myself digging when I
realized he had knowledge of Horcruxes, something so few people know about. Following
the trail led me to Italy, where I found Regulus very much alive and in hiding. I quickly
learned much to my surprise, that he’d defected from the Death Eaters, stealing a Horcrux
right from under Voldemort’s nose at only eighteen. He agreed to help me but in exchange, I
had to swear a blood oath not to tell a soul he was still alive.”

“There are ways around blood oaths,” Mad-Eye Moody said sharply, his gaze accusing.

“Yes, there are, but let me be very clear, Regulus Black is brilliant. I did just tell you, he
singlehandedly stole a Horcrux, faked his death, and hid his existence from the Death Eaters.
As far as I’m aware, they still don’t know he’s alive. I tried, there were no holes in his spell,
no way for me to get around it.”

Moody looked unconvinced but Dumbledore held up a hand “why don’t we let Remus
continue,” he said calmly and nobody else protested.

“Yes, so I agreed to work with Regulus, I didn’t trust him or even like him, but I made a
decision. I saw a chance to get an upper hand in the war and I took it. I don’t regret it. I never
would have gotten anywhere without Regulus. He knew a great deal about Horcruxes and
most of all, he knew that Voldemort had more than one. We guessed seven. To be clear, for
those who don’t know, to make a Horcrux is to split your soul, and to do that, it requires
death, unspeakable acts. Voldemort didn’t just do that once, but seven times. So yes, I didn’t
trust Regulus but I was willing to work with him because we’re in times that call for drastic
measures. He already had one Horcrux, we just had to find the other six and figure out how to
destroy them,”
“No easy task,” Arthur Weasley, raised his eyebrows while next to him Molly looked at
Remus suspiciously.

“No, but we already had an idea. The Horcrux Regulus found was Salazar Slytherin’s locket,
he also knew that Voldemort had Hufflepuff's cup, so it was safe to assume that there was an
item from the other two founders as well. Regulus was also sure that Voldemort had a diary
he’d turned into a Horcrux. We worked together to figure out how to destroy them and started
to hunt them down one by one.”

“Yes, you did steal the sword of Gryffindor from me,” Dumbledore said though he almost
seemed amused by the fact.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that. But we knew how to destroy it, so I knew it was better in our
hands.”

Dumbledore nodded “So you’ve managed to acquire the sword and the locket, how many
Horcruxes are left.”

“One,”

That seemed to shock even Dumbledore and he paused “you’ve destroyed six Horcruxes?”

“Well, five, we had one more Regulus has it I assume he’s destroyed it by now, he doesn’t
waste time.”

“Where is he?” Molly asked sharply “I don’t see him here and only minutes ago you said you
didn’t trust him, now he’s running around with one of these dark Horcruxes without you?”

“I didn’t trust him, that was over a year ago. I have spent just about every minute of my time
with him since then and I will lay down my life for Regulus Black. Do you understand? I
trust him with every bit of myself.” Remus responded sharply “I get it, you have no reason to
trust him. He was a Death Eater, but he turned his back, he nearly gave his life to do the right
thing and when he did survive, by the skin of his teeth, mind you, he spent the next few years
doing everything he could to stop Voldemort.”

“I understand you are vouching for Regulus, Remus. I however must inquire on his location,
in fact, where’s James Potter as well?” Dumbledore asked and Sirius didn’t like the look in
his eye, like he was seeing right through them.

“Regulus is hunting down the last Horcrux,” Remus said simply as if his sudden absence
wasn’t as much of a surprise to them as Dumbledore, Sirius thought Remus was probably
right, however. Regulus didn’t waste time.

“And James?”

“Went with him,” Remus didn’t offer any more of an explanation and Sirius thought that was
probably because the only explanation had to do with James being disgustingly and madly in
love with Regulus. Which for the record, Sirius was no longer appalled by… or okay maybe
he found it a bit disgusting, but he was working on it. He certainly didn’t feel so much like
hexing either of them over the fact anymore, so that was progress, truly.

“By choice?” Moody asked. Sirius would say his eyes were narrowed suspiciously, but
honestly, everything May-Eye did seemed like he was expecting you to suddenly cast a
killing curse at him. Regardless, he did seem particularly unconvinced.

“Yes,” Remus said tightly. “Look, what are we all doing here? If I’m going to be interrogated
you might as well do away with the niceties and get to it. If not, can we quit talking in
circles? Regulus wants to get rid of Voldemort as much as any of us, the only difference is he
actually fucking managed to do something about it.”

“Okay, I’m sorry but I remember him from school,” Emmeline Vance cut in “he was a right
prat and a bloody Death Eater! We can’t forget that!”

“Mr. Lupin is right,” Minerva McGonagall rarely turned up for Order meetings and if she did,
she rarely spoke, so hearing her voice was a surprise. So far she’d been silently observing
from the corner. “I may not know Regulus Black personally, but I remember him as a student,
he was quiet, driven, and could never quite stomach violence if he thought it undeserved. In
fact, I remember very clearly him refusing to transfigure a mouse once for fear of hurting it. I
would not excuse or forget that he joined the Death Eaters, I also will not forget that he
defected. He passed us information, he apparently has spent years trying to destroy
Voldemort. We have so few allies at this point, we are losing and have been losing for quite
some time, so if he’s out there hunting down the last Horcrux, who are we to protest?”

“Yes, yes, thank you, Minerva,” Dumbledore said calmly “the truth of the matter is
Voldemort wants the war over as much as we do. He wants it won. It’s clear as we’ve seen an
increased string of deaths in the past few months. The death eaters are picking people off
steadily, former Order members, anyone with connections and even people like Mrs.
Lovegood,” He gestured to Pandora “who formerly had no connections to the Order of the
Phoenix at all, but was perceived as a threat for simply not siding with Voldemort. Soon no
one will be safe, everyone will be forced to swear loyalty and compliance or risk death. He
will strike largely and soon, there’s only one place left that Voldemort has no control over…”

“Hogwarts,” Remus murmured, his eyes dark as the realization struck him.

Everyone around the table stiffened at the word, Hogwarts was the only thing the Order had
managed to hold onto. They still had a small amount of control at the Ministry and a few
people placed at Gringotts, but overall, most powerful institutions were entirely controlled by
Voldemort and his death eaters.

“Yes,” Dumbledore confirmed “it’s only a matter of time and with the escalation and increase
in the death eater’s movements, I fear that time may be soon. We need to be prepared.”

“If Regulus finds and destroys the last Horcrux we can kill Voldemort,” Remus said.

“Do you have any way to contact him?”

“No,” Remus lied, he carefully didn’t look away from the headmaster and Sirius knew they
were thinking the exact same thing. James had the mirror… “I’m sure Regulus will get in
contact with us when he can,”
The thing was, Sirius knew just as James must have, that as much as the old headmaster said
they were on the same side, they weren’t. Not entirely. There was enough of an argument
about Regulus’s continuing existence to know that if he’d actually been here, it wouldn’t
have been pretty. James must have known that, and Sirius could perfectly picture his best
friend, even after betraying their location to the Order, still going through the effort to keep
Regulus out of Dumbledore’s grasp.

Sirius hooked his ankle around Remus’s under the table as Dumbledore surveyed him,
looking for any sign that he was being untruthful. Remus didn’t falter, barely even blinking
under the intense gaze. Sirius suddenly felt a rush of pride for how strong-willed and
unshakable Remus Lupin had become. He remembered the first time he’d met Remus and
how he’d been so quiet, simply watching everything around him. He hadn’t been meek, in
fact, he never hesitated to bite back when Sirius got on him, even at eleven. However, when it
came to other people, especially adults and authority figures, he tended to put his head down
and refuse to fight back. Of course, Moony had changed since he was a child but even now,
Sirius could see he’d grown in the past year as well. Something had settled, he was steadier,
unfaltering in his conviction. He didn’t so much as blink under the scrutiny of a man who he
had once believed he owed everything.

“Ah, well we can worry about that when it comes to it, right now we need to rally, stand
together…”

--

“Strange to be back in this house, hm?”

Sirius didn’t jump, he’d heard the subtle creak of the floorboards. Something many people
wouldn’t have noticed, but growing up in Grimmauld Place, he’d learned to be in tune with
every creak and sound of the house. Being caught off guard could mean danger, so Sirius had
learned to never let himself become unaware. Regulus specifically, had messed with the
floorboards in front of his door to they were loud enough to alert him to anyone approaching.
An ache bloomed in Sirius’s chest at the thought. He was suddenly hit with how terrible it
was that a Regulus as a child, had felt the need to create a makeshift alarm system. How
despicable that they’d had to learn tricks to survive.

“Believe it or not, I’ve seen stranger things,”

“Your brother coming back from the dead, for one?”

“Among other things, I may be immune to shock at this point.”

Andromeda just hummed in response, stepping over the threshold into Regulus’s room “Not
much has changed in here since he was a child,” she remarked.

“No, this house is like a preserved, rotted corpse of every bad thing the Black family has ever
done,” Sirius muttered, simply watching the setting sun through the window, Sirius knew
Regulus had been in here earlier, yet he hadn’t pulled the drapes shut as he’d always done.
Sirius wondered if that was important. If it truly symbolized some change in his little brother,
the end of a very long, very painful chapter in their book.

“You’ve seen him, then? Remus wasn’t particularly detailed in his explanation of how you all
came to be here.”

“Reg?” Sirius turned from the window to face his cousin “yeah, I’ve seen him.”

“What’s he like now?”

“He’s still just Regulus and yet… not. Smart, sarcastic, a right menace. He’s also a little
darker, harsher, and frayed at the edges. He’s still my brother, above any of it, I suppose. Or
I’m learning.”

“Good,” Andy said softly, her eyes full of an old sadness “I always hoped he’d be able to turn
his back, I thought for a long time he might turn out different than all of them, but your
parents had their claws in pretty deep.”

“They did, but not deep enough. That kid is a force to be reckoned with.”
“So, I’ve heard. I’m glad the two of you reconciled,”

“Me too,” Sirius admitted softly “funny, what’s left of the Blacks isn’t it?”

“Hm,” Andy agreed “that’s an understatement. You and me members of the Order, Regulus
running around nearly singlehandedly working to bring down Voldemort. Bella, his greatest
supporter, Cissa hanging her head, demure, doing whatever her horrible husband asks. Funny
how our family ended up split down the middle.”

“Do you miss them, Cissa and Bella?”

“Every day,” Andromeda admitted “With Bella… I lost her a long time ago. She’s always
been cruel, a little manic, you know as well as I do, but she had some softness once. She was
my sister and I have loved her and probably always will, regardless of what she’s done. But
she’s gone to me, unforgivable. She chose her path, she relished it. Cissa is a little different,
more like Regulus I think. The two of them always had a little bit of a special bond, didn’t
they? Narcissa didn’t really want any of it, but she didn’t not want it either. She was always
happy to smile and keep her head down, let the violence happen around her as long as she
was safe. She positioned herself in a way where she never had to be the one doing the killing
or causing the pain, but she will never turn her back on it either. What’s most important to her
is surviving. If things had been a little different she might have ended up more like Regulus,
gotten out. But she never would have fought either way.”

“Sometimes I still can’t believe Regulus left,” Sirius said softly “I’ve always known he didn’t
really have the stomach or resolve for it all, but I figured he’d stick it out until it killed him.
When he died… I just thought it was the logical conclusion to the whole thing. I blamed him
for not being a fighter, not like me or you. We dug our way out tooth and nail, Regulus kept
his head down and took it. I wasn’t even surprised at that point because I’d spent years
making peace, coming to terms with it. I built this image of my brother, spineless, cowardly,
happy to do whatever mummy and daddy asked regardless of the cost… then boom, he comes
tearing back into my life with my own boyfriend in tow, determined to end the war with
nothing but his brilliant little brain and sheer determination. I always knew who Regulus was
at his core in the same way I know Cissa, that she isn’t truly rotten, she doesn’t really want
it… but it didn’t matter. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that circumstances change
everything, they make good people bad and bad people good. We’re all just trying to survive
pulled by the raging waves of war and pain… I always thought myself so unlike my brother
but the older I get, the more I look at him again, the more I realize we’re not so different. We
both wound up in the same place anyway…”
“What do you think it was?” Andromeda took another step closer, the frown clear on her face
which was still so much like Bellatrix’s, yet softer, kinder. “You’re not wrong, about it being
the logical conclusion… how on earth did Regulus manage it, what snapped? What made him
different than Narcissa?”

Sirius contemplated this for a moment “you said Cissa was willing to do anything to
survive…” he began “I think Regulus stopped wanting to survive. He said once, that he had
nothing left to lose. He didn’t care about living, I think he only did it by pure, dumb luck, he
wasn’t supposed to. When he had no desire to live and the cost of turning his back was death,
it stopped mattering. It wasn’t really a risk to him anymore because I’m sure he knew as well
as I did that the only thing waiting for him was death. That one day something would give,
that he wasn’t really built for it. I’ve realized recently that he does care, and he always has, as
much as he pretended in the end he couldn’t alter that. So, he took a risk, and here we are.”

“I don’t think Cissa will ever do that,” Andy said sadly “the only thing I could ever imagine
her turning her back for is her son, I fear I’ve lost her just as much as I lost Bella.”

“She did,” Sirius said quickly “Remus told me that she helped them break into Malfoy Manor
in exchange for protection for her son. I’m not saying she’d ever turn her back, much less
defect, but I know there’s something still in her that’s every bit of the sister you loved. She
was heartbroken when you left, I remember I used to catch her staring at where your name
had been burnt off the tapestry. She was practically sick with the loss, she’s always loved you
so much and I don’t think that will change, no matter what she’s done.”

Andy didn’t seem to know what to do with that and for a moment they just stood in the small
patch of sun in Regulus’s unchanged childhood bedroom, breathing shallowly as if inhaling
the dust might choke them. Might pull the back into a space in time a decade earlier, their
families downstairs, shadows in every corner, reaching their fingertips out every time they
pass. Trying to pull them down, to keep them here, in this cold, miserable house, choking on
the dust of their crimes for a hundred more years. Their phantoms, always stuck there, never
able to move on.

Sirius stepped back, the dust swirled through the sunlight, they were adults, both of their
parents were dead. They were the only two Blacks in the rotten old house.
 “I’m glad we both made it here,” Andromeda said softly “I’m glad Regulus is alive,”

“Me too,” Sirius murmured, and really, what else was there to say?

Chapter End Notes

Hello!
The slow burn is burning... hm?

I feel I should have warned sooner that the slow burn is insane... I've almost written
200k words now and I STILL haven't written the resolution of the slow burn yet... but I
promise it's coming!!

I literally said a week ago I was almost done writing and then my ending turned out so
much more complicated and I knew there was no way I could end it where I originally
planned... this fic just has a life of its own and I enjoy writing it so much so I can't
complain. Really, I've set up such a complicated relationship between James and
Regulus it'd make zero sense to throw them together and say blah, blah, happily ever
after when they both spent like over 100k words saying they hated each other, would
never get back together, etc. So yes, it's SLOW but not forever.

I think it's important to note that James says here that Regulus ISN'T soft!! Did you guys
catch that? After we spent half the fic hearing Sirius, Barty, etc. refer to him as being too
soft for it all (yes, this is a Taylor Swift reference) James says the opposite! He doesn't
view those parts of Reg as a weakness... just something for you guys to think about ;)

I bumped into people recommending this on tiktok? I was literally just scrolling through
my fyp and there it was? So if you were one of those people, ilysm and I'm so glad you
like this fic enough to recommend it to other people!

come say hi!

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Regulus woke gasping, shooting upright. He sat there for what felt like an eternity, spine stiff,
breathing shallow. He strained his ears, eyes wide as he took in the tent, listening for any
noise.

There was nothing, only the sound of nature outside and James’ level breathing. Still,
Regulus couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, that he was being watched.

Carefully, he grabbed his wand, standing, and letting himself out of the tent, casting a few
spells to check the wards and surroundings. There was nothing, the wards were perfectly
intact, practically indestructible, and not a single living thing bigger than a deer seemed to be
around.

Stepping back into the tent and closing the opening, Regulus tried to breathe. He laid back
down, wand still gripped in his hand. He wasn’t sure how long he lay like that, stiff as a
board, staring right up at the ceiling. He could feel everything pushing in around him, the
rush of his blood the thump of his heart. It was all so loud, almost unbearable. He squeezed
his eyes shut but the darkness made it worse, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think through the
overwhelming wave of anxiety. There was a calming draught in their med kit, Regulus knew
it. He sat up, hands shaking. A calming draught would help, it’d make it quiet, make the
feeling go away. It was on the other side of the tent, Regulus only needed to step over James’
sleeping form, and he’d have relief.

But no, no he couldn’t do that. Regulus shouldn’t… but god it was so loud, it all hurt so
badly. He just needed some quiet, just one time, a small dose would be enough. It’d just be a
little…

Regulus stood, he took a step. He stopped.

“James,” Regulus whispered, it was barely louder than a breath. James didn’t wake.
Okay, that was fine, Regulus would step over him, and grab the potion. He would never
know.

No, no.

“James,” Regulus repeated again, forcing his voice to come out louder, using everything in
him not to move towards the potion.

This time James shifted, lifting himself onto his elbows groggily “Hm?” he mumbled, turning
to look at Regulus. The sleepiness was gone as soon as their eyes met and James was
scrambling up “Regulus?”

Regulus couldn’t speak, squeezing his eyes shut as if he could keep the panic from seeping
in.

“Regulus, Regulus?” James’s hands were hovering over him, not touching, not daring to
invade any space but there, his smell familiar and warm as he leaned in closer.

“I- I can’t—" Regulus choked out, his voice strangled.

“Okay, okay,” James whispered, “can I touch you, is that okay?”

Regulus wasn’t sure how he forced himself to nod when he felt as if he’d lost control of his
body but somehow he did and then James’ hands were on his, soft and gentle.

“Okay, come on love, come on let’s sit.” He led Regulus down onto his sleeping bag,
lowering them both carefully. Regulus’s hands gripped James’s shirt, holding on tight. He
feared he might simply disappear if he didn’t.

“Everything is so loud,” Regulus whispered, his voice cracking.

“You wanted to take a potion?” James said carefully, understanding instantly.

“I did- do. I want to,”

“But you woke me up instead?”

Regulus just nodded, a sob aching in his throat where he held it back.

“That’s good, that’s good Reg, I know this is hard. I’m glad you did. We have one in the med
kit, don’t we? Let’s dump it.”

“No,” Regulus croaked out “what if you need it?”

“I won’t, I don’t take addictive potions,”

Regulus pulled back “because of me?” he whispered horrified.

“Partly,” James admitted “but I know myself too, I know how caught up I get in things. I’ve
always known I’m better not even risking it. Come on,” He pulled Regulus up with ease,
turning towards their med kit. Regulus reached out grabbing his wrist, not wanting to be left.
Instantly James paused, stopping to carefully thread their fingers together, gently tugging
Regulus along with him. James didn’t pull away even as he had to open the kit and rummage
around one-handed. After a moment he pulled out the small bottle, and gripping it tightly in
his hand, led Regulus outside into the night air.

When James popped the bottle open, Regulus stiffened as he caught a whiff of the potion’s
familiar smell, there was no time for the yearning to take control before James was emptying
the entire potion on the ground and dropping the vial.
“I don’t have my wand,” he turned to look at Regulus “can you break the bottle and then
vanish it all?”

And oh merlin, Regulus ached. Because James knew. He knew that if he left it like this and
Regulus was desperate enough he might come back and try to get any bits of the potion that
had seeped into the dirt. How pathetic and fucking shameful… yet… when Regulus shakily
raised his wand and got rid of any traces of the potion, James didn’t look disgusted or
horrified, in fact, he only smiled. Faintly, a mere ghost of the blinding grin he used to
frequently wear, but soft, warm. Still utterly perfect.

Regulus didn’t move, simply stared at where the potion had been and James didn’t either,
didn’t say a word. Even as the night’s chill started to seep into his bones and James shivered
next to him, the other man didn’t try to rush him, and didn’t leave either.

“Do you think we’ll ever be okay?” Regulus asked eventually, his tentative whisper barely
cutting through the silence.

“Us?” James asked his own voice not much louder “or in general?”

“… I don’t know,” Regulus confessed, “both I guess.”

“I think the answer to both is the same,”

Regulus turned to look him in the eye, feeling caught as soon as their gazes met, the moment
heavy, pulling the thread between them.

He barely even dared to ask, “what’s that?” his voice was hoarse.

“Eventually,” James said simply “it might take decades, we’ll probably have to live without
certain parts of ourselves forever but… assuming we survive this, yes… eventually.”
“You really believe that?”

“I do,” James spoke with such conviction that a part of Regulus wanted to trust anything he
said “there’s no other option. And you and me, at least… we’re here, aren’t we? Against
every fucking odd, so yes I believe it. Something between us transcends everything else. I fell
in love with you when I was fifteen and I never stopped, not for a single second since then. I
think I have loved you for all of my life, and the funny thing is I didn’t always think that. I
thought I’d move on, I thought your name would never be spoken again and it wasn’t, for so
long it wasn’t but it was in my head. You were in my head Regulus every moment of every
day. And I didn’t know it but I was born, and I was put on this earth, I was made to be
someone who loves you. So, no matter what happens, I’ll just keep doing it. And it’s not
always going to be enough, in fact, most of the time it won’t be, but eventually… eventually
it will. Maybe you’ll never get to meet my parents, maybe we have to go through hell before
we find even a semblance of peace… but I think we’ll find it. You and me, Remus, Sirius,
Lily, Harry… we’re family, and eventually, together, we’ll get there.”

“We’re family?” Regulus whispered.

“Aren’t we?”

Regulus thought about it for a moment, the six of them, in this together, all wrapped up and
devoted to one another, full of love and trust despite the obstacles. He thought that was
probably what family was supposed to be. “I never really had a family before, other than
Sirius, and even though he was mine, mostly he wasn’t. Five years ago I knew better than I
knew anything else that I’d die alone, now, I don’t know if I would.”

“You wouldn’t,” James said firmly, not a bit of room to argue.

Regulus paused “I don’t really know what to do with loving you right now,”

“Then don’t do anything,”

“Okay… I think I’ll know eventually,”

“Me too,”

And that was it really. All the things that could be said at that moment between Regulus
Black and James Potter, all the peace that could currently grow between them, but that was
alright. It was alright even though they still didn’t know if either of them would live long
enough to ever find peace.

“Can I see the ring?” Regulus whispered, James, didn’t even hesitate, didn’t question it,
simply unclasped the chain from his neck, holding it out to Regulus.

Pulling out his wand spelling away the two words he’d etched into the band so many years
before, in careful precise spellwork Regulus carved new letters into the ring, handing it back
to James once the heat of the magic had faded.

James took it with a frown, holding up the ring close to his face to read the new carving. No
more what-ifs, no more games, no more pretend, no more living every second knowing they
would never get happily ever after. It wasn’t an empty painful lack of hope, no, now it was
just one word. Hopeful, determined, a promise.

Eventually.

Yes, no more what-ifs, no more empty promises. One day, certain, firm.

“Eventually,” James read softly.

“No more what-if,” Regulus said firmly, and even in the mists of everything, James Potter
smiled like he was the sun itself rising over the horizon,”

“Eventually,” James repeated meeting Regulus’s eyes “four kids, a dog, a nice little house
with a room full of books stacked to the ceiling?”
“Well, I never agreed to four kids,” Regulus scoffed “or a dog, a cat is better,”

James just threw his head back and laughed, like nothing mattered, like there wasn’t a war
pushing in on all sides, under the endless night sky, Regulus smiled with him.

Neither of them mentioned it, but they both noticed that Regulus never said no.

--

James knew Regulus wanted to ask how James had come to know every single secret passage
into the castle. He refrained, no doubt not wanting to appear overly curious, but James could
see the question resting on the tip of his tongue.

Things had been strange that morning, Regulus was quiet and James knew he was probably
embarrassed about breaking down the night before, but James had his fair share of those
himself. In fact, many of them Regulus had been privy to, so knowing better than to bring it
up he’d simply smiled and tried to make his lack of judgment clear.

“So, this is where Remus used to change on the full moons…” Regulus said softly looking
around the long-neglected Shrieking Shack, clearly untouched since Remus had graduated.
There were still signs of Moony in the large gashes on the wall and destroyed furniture. “I’d
always thought so, but well, I knew if I asked you’d never tell me.”

“I knew you’d figured it out after the prank and the stuff with Snape…”

“You didn’t think I’d tell anyone?” Regulus turned to glance at James in the dusty room,
barely lit by the faint glow of their wands. “I mean I didn’t care for Remus back then, I had
no reason to keep it to myself.”
“But you didn’t have any reason to tell either,” James shrugged “and I don’t know, I knew
you wouldn’t do that to your brother, or me for that matter, no matter how you tried to
pretend otherwise.”

Regulus didn’t even bother arguing and James figured that was a mark of how much had
changed. He never fooled James into thinking him an uncaring and cold figure, but damn had
he tried for so long. Regulus didn’t seem to be bothering anymore James warmed at the
thought.

James could see Regulus’s unsteadiness, especially after everything that had happened with
Barty. He’d been taken by surprise and left off balance, yet, Regulus still seemed to hide less
of himself these days. His resolve was strong, he knew what he wanted and that he’d do
almost anything to get it. Regulus wanted to fight, a fire smoldering behind his grey eyes, and
James? James was really fucking proud.

“Still can’t believe the two of you were animagi…” Regulus muttered

“Mhm, three,” James corrected.

Regulus turned the corner of his lips turning down in confusion “Three?”

“Yeah, me Sirius, and Peter,”

“Right,” Regulus remembered, “the traitor, I forgot about him.”

“Yeah,” James said quietly “a lot of people did for a very long time, sometimes I think that
was part of the problem. If only we’d included him more, stopped him from feeling unwanted
or like an outsider from our group we could have avoided all of this…”

To James’s surprise Regulus scoffed, rolling his eyes “Don’t be stupid,” and it wasn’t as if
that were an uncommon reaction from Regulus Black, but James hadn’t been expecting his
response at that moment to be rounding on James with complete lack of indulgence “take it
from someone who has the same fucking dark mark as Peter Pettigrew, good people don’t
become Death Eater because they weren’t popular in school. Do you know how many kids at
Hogwarts must have sat alone every day, and been ignored or excluded by their friends? Did
they become Death Eaters, murderers? If you’d been exactly in his place would you have
reacted by joining fucking Voldemort?”

“No,” James conceded quietly.

“Exactly,” Regulus said his voice hard “it wasn’t your fault, the only people you’re
responsible for are yourself and to a certain point your son. Pettigrew’s actions weren’t your
fault, and any mistakes you did make weren’t singlehandedly responsible for what he
became. You can’t save everyone.”

That was a touchy subject for James, always had been. Regulus knew it, they’d spent
practically the entire two years they’d been together fighting over it. Regulus thought James
had a savior complex, that he was too controlling and too overbearing. James thought
Regulus was stubborn and needed to just let himself be helped.

James nodded so he didn’t have to speak through the years of heavy feelings rising in his
throat and stepped past Regulus, heading towards the tunnel that would lead them into the
Hogwarts grounds.

James heard Regulus’s footsteps behind him, strong steady. It was nice to hear, physically
Regulus was doing much better within the last few days, able to move around as usual.

“Jamie?”

James stopped, instantly. No question, no hesitance, turning back to him as soon as the
nickname left Regulus’s mouth. Because coming from him, it’d always meant something.
Regulus didn’t use terms of endearment, it’d always just been James.

Jamie was used sparingly, carefully, like Regulus knew every time he said the nickname it
was only a few steps from an admission of love.
Their eyes met. James thought of the ring on a chain around his neck, the new word etched
into it… eventually.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, what happened with me wasn’t your fault.” Regulus the
words coming out quickly as if he were worried they might disappear if he didn’t spit them
out. “You said it yourself just yesterday, you did everything you could. You realize that,
right? It wasn’t your job to protect me, you couldn’t convince me to change my mind. It
wasn’t your fault you couldn’t save me.”

“I know,” James said thickly because really he did. He knew it but knowing and wishing it
were two different things. “But I wanted to. I- fuck Reg… I really wanted to.”

“I would have been nice,” Regulus acknowledged his voice low “but maybe things worked
out for the best this way, maybe we wouldn’t be on our way to destroy the last Horcrux right
now if things had been different.”

“Regulus Black is that optimism I hear?”

Regulus’s mouth turned up at the corner “come on James,” he sighed pushing past him and
heading down the stairs.

“Wait, you don’t know where you’re going!” James called after him, Regulus didn’t slow,
and James cursed under his breath quickly following after him.

The Hogwarts grounds were perfectly still, not even the trees rustled in the autumn chill.
“This brings back memories,” James whispered as they snuck towards the castle under the
blanket of night.

“Shh!” Regulus hissed and that brought back memories too. James was suddenly very glad
they hadn’t come to this situation a few months earlier or he was sure the memories of loving
Regulus Black, pushing in from all sides would have choked him.
Getting into the castle was far too easy and James couldn’t rid himself of the lingering
shadow of Peter… he’d know all the same passages. Why hadn’t Voldemort simply marched
in here yet? Was he waiting for something? Was Hogwarts the last piece he wanted to wipe
off the board, a power play? Maybe Dumbledore had kept him away so far, but that couldn’t
last forever. James couldn’t shake the lingering feeling that it was all coming to an end soon,
one way or another.

When they stopped outside the room of hidden things, James hesitated, Regulus didn’t.
Maybe it was everything that had been on James’ mind today, maybe it was how not so long
ago, they’d been one of the hidden things. Tucked away on the small couch James knew was
still inside of the room, clutching one another or pushing away, depending on the day. James
remembered it so starkly the image burned sharply into the back of his eyelids. He could see
the outline every time he blinked, superimposed over Regulus’s back.

James watched, the curve of his neck, the lines of his shoulders, he emanated an old power,
something intense crackling in the air around him. James couldn’t get enough. Regulus was
soft, and sweet, a tentative smile, a careful hand, grey eyes looking up at James, big enough
to drown in. Regulus was also jagged, edges sharp, easy to get cut on, he was a narrowed
glare, a hard retort, a wicked smile curling at the edges of his mouth that if you looked right
at, you knew you’d already lost. Regulus Black was ten steps ahead yet constantly looking
back, lonely in the isolation of knowing things most people didn’t.

James was definitely still in love with Regulus in a way that was all-consuming and life-
ruining. It wasn’t something he was unfamiliar with, really, as Regulus finished his pacing
and the hidden doors appeared, James thought this might be one of the feelings he knew best.
Standing on the precipice, holding his breath, looking into the endless abyss, and wondering
if he’d hit the bottom if he jumped, or maybe he’d just keep falling forever.

Regulus didn’t hesitate, so this time James didn’t either, letting out a breath as they stepped
into the room. At least here, no one could touch them, they were safe just for a moment.

“You’re the one who said you saw it here,” Regulus turned to James expectantly, his voice
low despite the fact that no one would hear them in here.
“Uh- yes,” James said spinning to look around the room “I remember it was on this bust… I
was wandering around once waiting for you and I noticed it, didn’t know what the thing was
at the time. I just thought it was sad that someone would discard something so beautiful here,
looked expensive. I don’t remember exactly where it was, but deeper into the room,
somewhere that way,” he gestured vaguely

“Okay, maybe we should split up—”

“No,” James said quickly before clamping his mouth shut in embarrassment, Regulus
rounded on him raising a questioning eyebrow.

“I hope you’re so adamant on that because you’re scared and not because you think I can’t
handle myself.”

“Regulus if you’ve proven one thing it’s that you’re perfectly capable of handling yourself,
it’s not that,” James rushed to explain under Regulus’s gaze “but I don’t know, you’re still not
at your strongest and last time you split up with Sirius and Remus… just I don’t know, fuck
me for wanting to stick together.”

Regulus let out a long-suffering sigh starting off in the direction James had gestured, he
didn’t approve of James following but he didn’t tell him to fuck off either, so James figured
he was fine.

Despite the large ceiling, the room was insulated by the mountain of things, books, and
clothes, anything you could think of piled up as high as possible. It stopped their footsteps
from echoing and James thought it was strangely quiet. Too quiet, it weighed on James’s
shoulders, squeezing in from all directions. Regulus didn’t seem bothered but James
remembered him mentioning wanting quiet, going to drugs to seek it. Maybe he preferred it
when the room swallowed any traces of them whole. James, however, was not a quiet or still
person in any sense and he could only stop himself from speaking for so long as they scanned
the objects for any sign of the diadem.

“You lost your virginity in here,” James mused, and Regulus stopped suddenly causing James
to run into his back.
“Why would you say that?” Regulus cringed turning around to glare heavily.

James just shrugged “It’s true,”

“The truthfulness of the statement doesn’t warrant you bringing it up when we are trying to
find the last Horcrux which will finally render the Dark Lord mortal so we can kill him and
end the war. Is this the moment? Really James?”

James just shrugged helplessly grinning under Regulus’s ire and Regulus scoffed turning
back around and heading deeper into the room, walking quicker than before. James hurried to
catch up before slowing to walk beside him.

“It was so awkward,” James lamented “you were so nervous, and I tried to pretend I wasn’t
but I was just so obsessed with you, and the entire time I had to stop myself from jumping up
and down in glee. It was weird, so uncomfortable at first, but really I think it could have been
worse.”

Regulus scoffed in response “sure,” he muttered.

“What?” James gasped “do you think it couldn’t have been?”

Regulus looked like he’d rather be doing anything aside from having this conversation but he
could never let James have anything “It was bad, James,” Regulus sighed reluctantly.

“I know it was, that’s what I’m saying. But it was still good, in a way.”

“How,” Regulus challenged “it was terrible, it was the most humiliating moment of my life.”

“Okay firstly, Regulus Black you’re being dramatic. Secondly, I’m not saying the sex was
good, I’m saying that being with you was, that taking away that barrier for the first time was
good. Knowing that for a moment it was just you and me and nothing else in the world past
us.”

Regulus was silent for a moment “You may just be too sentimental James,”

“Hm, really? It didn’t make you feel anything?” James nudged him gently with his elbow.

“I- not then, I was too busy being scared I think. I thought you’d realize you didn’t really
want me anymore, that I wasn’t good enough.” There was the hint of something young in
Regulus’s voice, an old pain always creeping at the edges of Regulus’s relationships since
Sirius had first turned his back. The fear of being left, abandoned.

“But I didn’t,” James said simply.

Regulus didn’t look at him, purposefully turning away to scan the tops of the piles around
them “no,” he murmured, “you didn’t.”

James didn’t expect to hear anything else from Regulus, he recognized when a topic had
come to a close, so he nearly jumped in surprise when a few quiet minutes later, he spoke
again.

“But I did feel it, eventually.”

James paused “Huh?”

“Like it was just the two of us,”

James grinned “so the sex was good sometimes?”

Regulus scoffed “Oh shut the fuck up, you know it was,”

“I know, I really tried to get you to communicate about that, you were always very quiet on
the topic. Never gave much away, did you?”

“You could use context clues,” Regulus raised his eyebrows “it was embarrassing to talk
about,”

“Oh, so it was embarrassing to talk about it but not embarrassing to do the actual fucking?”

“I think you missed the part where I said it was earlier,”

“No, you said the first time was,”

“James if you keep talking about our teenage sex life I’m going to curse you and leave you in
here to rot.”

“Fine,” James sighed he paused his voice a little more vulnerable when he spoke again
“but… it was alright, right? Like aside from the first time it was okay for you?”

Regulus’s patience only seemed to hold on because of the quiet uncertainty in James’s voice
“Yes, James,” he said, his voice annoyed but still tainted by a faint softness.

“Okay, good,” he said quietly. James decided not to push the conversation any further for fear
that Regulus actually might hex James and leave him there.

James almost missed it, trapped in a memory of their teenage selves when he saw a figure out
of the corner of his eye, a bust perched atop an old shelf, and there on the figure’s head was
Rowena Ravenclaw’s long-lost diadem.
“Reg,” James hissed and Regulus turned following his gaze for a moment they both froze.

“It can’t possibly be that easy, right?” James questioned, “like wouldn’t Voldemort put some
sort of protection? Obviously, thousands of students have found this place, it’s not like he was
the only person ever in here.”

“I think…” Regulus said stepping closer to the diadem “that the Dark Lord is blinded by his
own power and accomplishments. He thinks because he’s done things no one else ever has
that no one else will be as smart or skilled as him. Yet, we all know he still fears Dumbledore.
This is a bit of a ‘fuck you’ isn’t it, to hide his Horcrux right under the headmaster’s nose.
He’s counted mostly on no one ever knowing enough about him or Horcruxes to find them.
How many people do you think even know his real name? Dumbledore I’m sure and us as
well, but maybe that’s it. I think he feels safe in his anonymity.”

“But he must know by now, that someone is hunting Horcruxes, right? I mean at least the
Diary, right?”

“Possibly, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has no idea how close we are. I left a decoy in the
locket, that would have been the first place he checked, if he went to the ring after it would
have still been there. I bet ten galleons that Barty was in Little Hangleton because of the
Horcruxes there but when he saw me instead of doing his job, he went off the rails and
decided to enact revenge. Voldemort might be suspicious after Barty’s disappearance but he
probably wouldn’t even think the Horcruxes possible for us to destroy. As I said, he thinks
himself above everyone else, smarter, and sharper. It’s likely he’s only one step behind us, but
unfortunately for him…” Regulus reached out plucking the diadem off the bust’s head, “he’s
one step too late.”

James wasn’t exactly expecting an explosion or anything, but he at least thought something
might happen. It didn’t. The room was still, just as quiet as before.

“Let’s get out of here,” James muttered.

Regulus seemed to agree because they set off towards the doors again at a slightly quicker
pace than earlier.
The room was huge and Regulus sighed into the silence as they walked “just ask me
whatever question you must have on your mind to fill the silence,” Regulus told him.

James couldn’t help but feel warm at the permission, at how well Regulus knew him.

“I was wondering, well- really I’ve been wondering since last night if you really meant it.”

“Which part?”

“I mean… like the house the kids, the undecided pet, would you really do that with me? It
wouldn’t be like we imagined it as kids, it’d probably be hard and we have all these separate
parts of our lives. I mean, I’d love to have a million more kids with you, but I already have
Harry, and Lily is still part of my family regardless of our relationship, and… it’d all be really
hard.”

Regulus said the last thing James expected him to say. “We could all live together, us Lily,
Remus, Sirius, and Harry, I mean we’ve already done it. Get a big enough house and we
could all have our own proper space… or maybe we should be neighbors, I’m not sure I can
live with Sirius longer than forced to. Maybe I’ll even concede on a dog if we have a cat too
and I get the final say, that way we don’t end up with a mannerless beast...” he shrugged
“Yes, it’ll be hard, but I’ve done harder things for less.”

And James? He beamed. Just absolutely lit up because every dip of Regulus’s voice was
deadly serious. He meant it, absolutely every single part.

“You’ll do it?” James whispered, awe in every word.

“Yes,” Firm, unarguable. There was no question.

Neither of them acknowledged the unspoken fact that lay between them... if they lived
through this. Yet, James found he genuinely had hope, Regulus was holding the last Horcrux.
After that, Voldemort would be no more invincible than any other man. After that, they’d
have a chance at winning, for the first time maybe ever…

They were quiet as they left the room of requirement, the doors disappearing behind them.
James didn’t try to start any more conversations, happy to just get the hell out of there when
he felt like they were so vulnerable. James didn’t have any trouble freezing the Whomping
Willow and they descended into the tunnel emerging into Moony’s old shack. James breathed
deeply as they set foot back onto the Hogsmeade streets, feeling triumphant, they’d done it.

He spoke far too soon.

Almost as soon as their feet touched the cobblestones of the little town’s streets the loud
crack of multiple apparitions echoed through the empty street and James didn’t even have
time to catch more than a glance of the Death Eater masks before Regulus’s hand was on
him.

“Run!” He hissed but James needed no instructions, and they took off down the street,
Regulus’s grip tight on his wrist.

James could hear the Death Eater’s footsteps right behind them, but he didn’t look back even
as a green killing curse flew right past his ear. The was a barrage of spells coming at them
and Regulus barely even seemed to be paying attention as he cast a protego behind them, so
strong James heard one of the Death Eaters knocked back by the force of it. James,
unfortunately, had no time to consider how hot it was that Regulus was so effortlessly
powerful.

James focused instead on casting every curse and hex he could think of at their pursuers and
for a moment as they seemed to fall back, James really thought maybe they’d get away until
suddenly they rounded a corner and were met with a dead end.

“Fuck!” Regulus cursed spinning, but the Death Eaters had already trapped them.

There was a door on the side of one of the buildings in the alley and James had barely
thought to go for it, casting a hasty unlocking spell when a spell hit Regulus square in the
chest knocking and him backward. It shouldn’t have caused so much harm, but Regulus was
still weak from his weeks in Barty’s cellar and the wound on his torso still healing. Regulus
tried to scramble up but he couldn’t and James’s heart stopped as he abandoned the door for
the other man.

“No, no, no,” Regulus hissed “no James, I can’t get up, my stupid fucking injury… get to the
door, take the diadem, and go.” Regulus tried to press the Horcrux into James’s hands but he
refused.

“I’m not leaving you,” James said stubbornly, pulling Regulus up and trying not to feel bad
when he cried out in pain, he would rather Regulus be currently in pain rather than dead.

He tried to nudge them towards the door, even as the Death Eaters advanced. They’d almost
made it, potential escape in sight when James’s wand was suddenly flying from his grasp.
Regulus managed to hold onto his just barely.

James reached out for the door handle, so close, so fucking close, then a curse was coming at
him. He had no wand to block it and Regulus seemed to be in too much pain to react quickly
enough. James was being pulled by an unseen force, wrenched from Regulus’s grip.

“No! James!” Regulus shouted; voice filled with so much devastation James wasn’t sure how
he’d ever doubted Regulus Black loved him.

Despite the fact that Regulus could barely stand he fumbled for his wand trying to straighten
himself up to face the group of Death Eaters, one of them had their wand pointed at James’s
head an arm quickly snaking around his throat to hold him in place.

Regulus’s eyes were blazing, fury in every line of his body, he would kill them all if it meant
getting James back, he was sure of it.

“Go to Padfoot!” James called, urging Regulus to just leave. To get out of there, he couldn’t
take all of the Death Eaters in his current state.
 Before any of them could do anything the door behind Regulus opened suddenly and the
world shattered around them. The last thing James saw as an explosion went off around them,
and the crushing vacuum of apparition took him was a flash of blue eyes and a hand pulling
Regulus and the remaining Horcrux to safety.

Even as the Death Eater’s arm choked the breath from him, the last thing James remembered
feeling was relief. Regulus was safe.

Chapter End Notes

A entirely jegulus chapter for you babes. They're so cute, aren't they? But c'mon you
couldn't possibly think I'd make it that easy ;)

I love a lot of little bits of this chapter, the moments between these two are so special.
Them communicating healthily about sex, Regulus stressing that it wasn't James' fault
he couldn't save him?? UGH. I love them I stg I want them to get together as badly as
you all.

ALSO I have a question for you all!! Do you like the description of this fic? I've been
considering changing it, because it doesn't tell you much about the story but I was
thinking combined with the tags maybe it's okay. Pls lmk if it encouraged you to click
on this fic or if I should add a slightly better less artsy description?

Once again, I update every Friday, so see y'all next week!

Come say hello!

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Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

James dreamed of another life.

It started the same as his memory. A quidditch pitch, a fall, the blazing eyes of a young
Regulus Black. A hand.

Then it changed.

James smiled, offered his hand, Regulus didn’t take it.

He pulled himself up, broken bone and all, scrambling for his broom, and turned away. He
ignored James’s protests and didn’t speak a single word. James knew a dismissal when he
saw one, he brought it up to Remus a week later, considering seeking Regulus out again.
Moony quickly advised him against it.

“He doesn’t want your help James,” Remus said frowning “I get your intentions but his
relationship with Sirius is between the two of them, don’t get in the middle.”

And this James Potter had never helped Regulus up, had never been enchanted by the warmth
of his hand, how small, how human it was. This James Potter still saw a marble statue. This
James Potter let it go.

And that was that. The start and end of Regulus Black and James Potter, a thread tying them
together from birth, the potential for something different, tied off and snipped. Never growing
to be anything more.
Eventually, in a few years, Lily Evans would begin to humor James. This time she got to him
first. This Lily Evans was the love of James Potter’s life. They were happy, and blissful, got
married right out of school with no one to hold James back.

This Regulus Black would one day hear the name of a spy, Wormtail in a death eater meeting,
the nickname wouldn’t mean anything to him. He never spent hours in the hidden room under
James Potter’s hands hearing tales of his friend, hearing their nicknames and escapades. He’d
never warn Dumbledore about Peter Pettigrew’s betrayal. He’d never know. This Regulus
Black would go into a cave at eighteen, and the only note he’d leave would be for
Dumbledore, detailing a mission he knew was planned. This Regulus Black would still kill
Evan Rosier, still walk into that cave, but Kreacher would never come back. Regulus would
drown, becoming yet another body in the lake. Years later, when a teenage boy set foot into
the cave, he wouldn’t notice one corpse was wearing a star ring, clear of any words etched
into the band.

No one would mourn this Regulus Black, his brother would never know he’d switched sides,
that he’d really tried to atone for his sins. Only Pandora Lovegood would remember him
fondly, she’d die a few years later as well, trying to continue Regulus’s legacy. In the end,
they’d only made things more difficult for a young Harry Potter decades later.

Halloween of 1981 Lily and James Potter would die. By May of 1998, the only living
Marauder would be Mary Macdonald, still teaching, still going to disastrous bake sales, still
living happily in California with her husband and kids. She wouldn’t even know there’d been
a second war until one day in 2001 when a young man, the spitting image of James Potter
showed up at her door.

“I’m Harry Potter, I found letters between you and my mother, Lily Potter. I was wondering if
you’d be willing to talk, see, there’s not really any people left who knew my parents.” Until
that moment, Mary hadn’t even known Lily was dead.

“No one?” Mary would ask in disbelief “what about Sirius, Remus, and Peter?”

“All dead, and Peter was a traitor, working for Voldemort.”

“What?” She looked at this young boy, something achingly tired and war-torn in his eyes “are
you alone?”
He shrugged “Not anymore I have my friends, but otherwise I always have been really.”

“Come in,” She’d say, suddenly faced with the terrible notion that she truly was the only one
left “I loved your mother dearly, I’ll tell you whatever I can.”

And so, 2002 would show with the terrible end of an entire story, Marauders, all but one
dead, buried ten feet under if they were lucky enough to have a grave at all. The sun would
set and Harry Potter would grow up, and one day have a family of his own, but he’d never
know James Potter or Lily Evans, he’d never know Regulus Black. He wouldn’t even get to
know Sirius and Remus as he should have. He’d never have any siblings, he’d never wake up
to the sound of his parents cooking, he’d never come down the stairs to see Lily and Regulus
arguing passionately over a book while James just smiled, delighted as Regulus’s voice
would rise and Lily’s would only get more firm.

He'd never experience what it was like to live in a house that was open for everybody, Sirius
and Remus walking in from next door at any and every hour of the day. He’d never be woken
up on his fifteenth birthday by Regulus’s pulling him from his bed and taking him flying
pointing out the stars and constellations that Harry already knew well from years of time
spent with Regulus (who as his father put it had a narcissistic obsession with the stars seeing
as he was named after one. Regulus would always just glare in response and insist it was
quite the opposite, that it showed how insignificant they all were). Harry wouldn’t ever know
his parents. He wouldn’t have two cats, one for Regulus, one for Lily. He wouldn’t have three
dogs because Sirius just kept bringing them back and dumping them at the Potter-Black
household since Remus insisted they could only have one. James thought it was hilarious,
and Regulus hated it, but Harry loved those dogs so Regulus despite his threats, never
actually stopped it.

Harry Potter wouldn’t grow up loved.

All because Regulus Black didn’t take James Potter’s hand on the quidditch pitch at fourteen.

--
Regulus tried to fight, with blood and violent. He didn’t even need his wand (which his
captor had wrenched from his grip when he tried to curse them), he needed to get whoever’s
hands these were off him, he needed to get back to James.

“Stop boy, stop!” The man gasped jumping back to avoid having his nose broken. “The death
eaters are gone, and your friend is with them, running back out after him will only get you
caught as well. If you want to save him you need to calm down and think rationally.”

The man raised his wand, lighting a lamp and Regulus stepped back breathing heavily as the
little hallway they were standing in was bathed in light. “Look boy, I’m not trying to hurt
you,”

The man was older, disgruntled, and a bit unruly. His long white beard and hair were uncared
for, and even his eyebrows were overgrown and wild. Something was familiar about him
though, and Regulus paused, the man’s gaze was intense, his eyes so light blue it was
unsettling.

“Who are you?” Regulus demanded.

“Aberforth,”

“Aberforth…” Regulus pressed.

“Dumbledore,” The man grumbled unhappily.

“You’re related to—”

“Albus is my brother,” seeing the look on Regulus’s face the man just laughed “oh trust me, I
feel much the same way about Albus, probably worse than you do. Who are you?”

Regulus didn’t even bother lying “Regulus Black,”

Aberforth’s eyes narrowed and Regulus refused to shift under his gaze as he knew the man
must have been trying to recall what he knew of the Black family.

“Right… know a bit about the Blacks. I’d ask which brother you are but between the rebel
and the dead one I’d have to assume the rebel.”

“I’m the dead one,”

Aberforth just blinked at him before scoffing unhappily “Of fucking course you are, not a
Death Eater are you?”

“Not anymore,”

Aberforth just threw a hand up “well doesn’t matter much to me as long as you’re not
planning to cast a killing curse or trash my pub.”

“I’m not staying here,”

“Good, but you can’t go back out there yet, wait a couple of hours then leave. It’ll be easier
to hide in the crowd once the sun’s up.”

“I’m not going to sit here and waste time—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Aberforth cut him off “look that crown you’re holding looks awful fancy, must
be important. I get it, you wanna save your friend, just wait until sunrise and you’re free to do
whatever hero galivanting you want, none of my business.”

“Can I have at least have my wand back,” Regulus asked tightly.

“Can you heal yourself?”

“Well enough,”

“Promising, but fine. Try not to tear yourself open when you fix up whatever’s wrong, and
don’t scare my goats.”

“Goats?” Regulus repeated, what the fuck? He didn’t have time for this.

“Until sunrise,” Aberforth said again and Regulus forced himself not to imagine what could
be happening to James right now, how useless he felt. Aberforth was right, getting himself
caught would be no help.

--

Remus wanted to scream.

It was the third day at Grimmauld Place, the third day talking around in fucking circles.
Hours and hours of, how can we track down James and Regulus, should we fortify Hogwarts,
isn’t it fortified enough? No anyone can get in! But Voldemort wouldn’t dare directly
challenge Dumbledore, right?

And so it went, around and around. It didn’t help that Lily was practically a ghost at his side
since the news of Mary or that Sirius looked about ready to explode. Pandora thankfully was
a calm presence and somehow kept them all from losing it as someone argued for the third
time that day that they needed to act, now… while doing absolutely nothing but talking.

Remus was ready to flip the table and walk out if not for the fact that he was certain they
weren’t allowed to leave. No one had said it, but Remus knew. They were in trouble, he
specifically was in trouble for everything that had happened.
He was beginning to contemplate trying it anyway when he looked up from his fingers to
meet Regulus Black’s eye. Wait, what? Remus stood, his chair knocked backward with a
screech and suddenly heads were flipping around following his gaze.

Regulus just scoffed as suddenly multiple wands were pointed at him “Oh for fuck’s sake,”
he said pushing forward to drop a charred object in front of Dumbledore, it took Remus a
very long minute to realize that it was the diadem… how the hell had he even found it?

“That’s the last Horcrux,” he said and something was off in his tone, Regulus had done it,
he’d actually done it, yet his voice was hollow. “Voldemort is mortal, he can die the same as
any man. I wager he also knows about the others by now, he’ll go to Hogwarts to check for
the last one, the diadem which I’ve now destroyed. If you’re not going to kill him I will. But
you’re going to help me or so god fucking help me I will put everything I have into burning
this whole world down until James Potter is safe.”

Dumbledore didn’t flinch at the threat, though many others did, something in Regulus’s tone
left it undebatable, he’d do it. Surely.

“Where’s James?” Sirius asked his voice cracking as he looked to his brother with wide eyes.

Regulus turned, the fire was still in his eyes, but it fractured, something vulnerable and
completely heartbreaking hiding under his determination. “The Death Eaters took him,” he
said quietly “I tried Sirius, I really tried to stop them but I’m still too fucking weak and he
wouldn’t leave me. I tried to get him to leave me, I swear.”

“No, no,” Sirius said quickly despite the devastated look on his face “I wouldn’t have wanted
you to be left behind either. We- we’re going to get him back, we’re going to.”

“I’ll do anything,” Regulus said, and Remus knew he meant it.

Funny how as much as things changed, some were constant.

--

James dreamed of another life.

It started the same as his memory, a sigh, a hand in his hair. So gentle and tentative even after
a year of learning to touch each other. James opened his eyes, his surroundings blurry. He
blinked turning his head to look up at Regulus whose hand was still in his hair.

“What?” Regulus asked and James just grinned scooting up the sofa and draping himself
across Regulus’s chest. He was careful not to put his full body weight over the other boy to
avoid him complaining of being crushed. If Regulus was in a snippy mood he’d complain
anyway, evidently, he wasn’t because he didn’t say a word and James rested his chin on
Regulus’s chest, looking up at his big grey eyes. There was something unusually vulnerable
and soft about the way Regulus was looking at him. As if James were the most beautiful
thing he’d ever seen. It was delicate and unimaginable, that he could be something like that to
Regulus.

They’d been fighting even more than usual lately, today was one of those rare days when
James had stepped into the come-and-go room and Regulus had just looked at him, not a
word falling from his lips. They didn’t fight, instead, Regulus let James touch him, let them
just exist for a little while.

“We could run away,” James whispered nosing his head into Regulus’s neck.

Regulus’s hands stilled in James’ hair, he opened his mouth, and this was where it changed.
Because in the life James knew, Regulus had just closed his eyes sadly, shaking his head.

“No, Jamie, no we can’t,” He had said.

This Regulus just studied James “what if we did?” he whispered, “you can’t possibly be
serious,”
“I am,” James sat up quickly “I know how to get out of the castle. My parents, well, they’d
understand even if they didn’t really get it. They’d know I wouldn’t leave without a good
reason. We could just disappear…”

“Do you really think it’d work?”

“If we went far enough,”

This James Potter and Regulus Black were a little less selfless. They took off in the dead of
night, and James left a note.

Pads,

I don’t expect you to understand. I’m sorry for doing this, I know it’s an awful betrayal of me.
I know you’ll never forgive me but I hope you’re safe. Take care of yourself and don’t ever
forget I love you so much.

When Sirius found this note all he would be able to think, through his blinding anger was that
clearly, James hadn’t loved him enough. He’d chosen someone over him, over his parents,
everyone he loved, and that person was Regulus fucking Black?

Sirius would be angry until the day he died, a thread snipped between the two who had once
been so linked together. Twisted, once growing as one, now shriveled and dead. Sirius would
die young, they all would. Except for James and Regulus.

James would live with the guilt forever. Tossing and turning at night, knowing in his heart he
was a terrible, selfish person.

Yet, in the day he’d wake up next to Regulus, the sun shining through their little cottage.
They’d have some happy years, some blissful perfect years together even despite their
lingering guilt. They wouldn’t blame each other, but they’d blame themselves. A silver locket
would remain untouched in a dark cave, Regulus Black’s body absent from the depths of the
lake.
The war would rage on, it would never touch them there, but it hardly mattered. Regulus
would die at forty, he’d get weaker over the years, filled with guilt and pain for the decisions
he’d made in his life. James would hold his hand as he died, the war would creep in on that
little cottage, and James Potter would find himself entirely and devastatingly alone.

A year after Regulus’s death Albus Dumbledore would find James, and so he followed.

James Potter would die in the war he gave up everything to escape.

--

Regulus was pretty sure Lily hated him. After hours of being drilled and watched as if he
were going to turn around and cast a killing curse at them any second, they were finally
allowed to retreat from the tense dining room. Regulus had followed Remus who had
grabbed his hand instantly, pulling him upstairs as if he were afraid Regulus might disappear
again if he let go.

Lily and Pandora were right behind them, followed by Sirius and Andromeda who seemed to
be having some silent conversation. Regulus had been careful not to meet his cousin’s eyes
yet, he didn’t know what he could possibly say. He’d been young when she was burned off
the tapestry and despite the softness in her eyes, she reminded him so much of Bellatrix.

Remus let Regulus guide them into his old bedroom, drapes still pulled open despite the
darkness of the night. There was nothing to do but wait and Remus sat carefully on the dusty
bed as everyone else stepped inside and Sirius shut the door behind him.

Dumbledore had been certain that the death eater’s presence in Hogsmeade meant that
Voldemort was sure to act on Hogwarts soon and he’d left to evacuate all students to safety.
They’d been instructed to get some rest and stay prepared, as they could be summoned at a
moment’s notice. Regulus knew if Voldemort tried to take Hogwarts this would be the only
chance they had, right now their success was riding on the fact that Voldemort didn’t realize
he was mortal yet.
They all sat in silence, Lily wouldn’t look at him. He wanted to say something, but Regulus
knew she had every right. It was his fault James had been taken, he’d been the one to put him
in danger. Regulus had been too weak to help him, it was his failure.

Remus accidentally nudged the pile of parchment on Regulus’s bed and Regulus quickly
snatched them up ignoring Remus’s questioning gaze.

He’d completely forgotten his shoddy healing job from that morning, and he winced
immediately dropping the stack on the floor. Lily was up in an instant helping him scoop
them up without a word. She paused as she picked up a picture, green eyes brimming with
something Regulus didn’t understand. After a moment she passed it to Regulus and he took
it, breath sucked out of him painfully as he studied the image.

It'd been from his fifth year, the only picture of him and James he’d ever had. Regulus was
against pictures, he hadn’t wanted photographic evidence but just this once, he’d allowed it.

The teenage version of James was smiling at Regulus like he was the brightest thing in the
world, throwing an arm around him as he held up the camera. Regulus was scowling but as
James leaned into kiss his cheek the scowl immediately broke, a bashful smile working its
way onto his face.

“His birthday,” Regulus said hollowly as Sirius leaned around him to look at the photograph
“that was the only thing he’d wanted, a picture. He made me a copy too, had to go through
hell to hide it from my parents but it felt worth it.”

Lily handed him the rest of the letters and Regulus took them carefully, dumping them back
into his trunk. He kept the picture though, tucking it into his pocket carefully.

“Sorry,” he whispered as Lily stood, and their eyes met. “It’s my fault,”

The empty expression on Lily’s face instantly broke “Oh, no, no, Reg,” she said reaching out
for him and taking his hand in both of hers “I don’t blame you, James is an adult who makes
his own decisions. I know him and I know you, you never would have put him in danger on
purpose. I know he never would have left you either. This is war and the only ones who are at
fault are Voldemort and the Death Eaters.” She paused her eyes wide with an unbearable
sadness “it’s not you Regulus it’s… Mary.”

“Mary? Your friend?”

“She’s dead,”

Regulus froze, he knew the grief in her voice, felt it down to his bones. He wished James was
here, wished it more than anything. Not just because the idea of him not being there was
unimaginable but also because he’d know what to say to Lily, he’d get it in a way none of
them could.

“I know how important she was to you, I’m sorry,” they were useless words, couldn’t fix or
help anything but he hoped she could understand how much he meant them.

Lily squeezed his hand “thank you,” she whispered, and Regulus had never been so good
with physical affection, but he decided that for Lily, he could try. As soon as he wrapped her
in a tentative hug, Lily began to sob and Regulus tried to force away his awkwardness,
simply pulling her in tighter.

A moment later Remus was at her shoulder wrapping an arm around her too and then Sirius
was on the other side, his presence the same as it’s always been, strong and familiar. Regulus
found his uncomfortableness bleeding away and let Sirius join them, one hand on the back of
Regulus’s neck and the other around Lily’s shoulder.

“I feel like I should have been able to do something,” Lily whispered when they finally
pulled apart, her face flushed and wet with tears. “Like I should have stopped her from going
or checked in on her. I don’t understand, I-I thought she was safe.”

“It’s not your fault,” Regulus whispered echoing what she’d said earlier.
“No, it’s not my fault but I didn’t stop it either!” she exclaimed a fresh wave of tears welling
in her eyes “If I’d asked her to stay, really begged I know she would have for me, I feel like I
should have. I let her go too easy because Marlene had just died and Dorcas was dead too, I
didn’t fight it as hard as I should have. Don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault!” Her voice was rising
but Regulus didn’t flinch, he’d never seen Lily yell before, and he thought that she of all
people deserved to.

“But who knows what would have happened if she’d stayed,” Regulus said fiercely “maybe
she would have died anyway, you let her go because you thought it was right. And she was
safe for a while, wasn’t she?”

“I- yes, but—”

“But no, no.” Regulus said firmly “we can spend eternity destroying ourselves over what
might have happened, it won’t change anything. All you’re doing is tormenting yourself…
look Lily, I- I’m not so good with saying the right thing so I’ll just tell you what James said to
me. He said we did our best. It applies to every single person in this room, we all made
decisions we regret, we all have blood on our hands and mistakes that will probably haunt us
forever, but the truth is that we were children thrown into a war and we did our best. Maybe
you didn’t make every perfect decision, but there are no perfect decisions. You could have
ended up like Pettigrew, you could have been like Evan or Barty, you could have hurt people
and been cruel but you didn’t. Because the scariest part of all of this is that there is no bad or
good, no black and white we’re all just walking the line between trying to be good and giving
up. You tried Lily, you’re one of the best people I’ve ever known, all you’ve ever done is try.
You’re so full of light and warmth and you’ve helped more people than you even know. You
saved my life more times than I can even begin to express gratitude for. So… you- you tried
your best and that was all you could do.”

Lily blinked wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand, when she spoke any of her anger
was gone “That was the right thing to say,” she whispered.

“I- I was just thinking about what James would say,” Regulus admitted shrugging awkwardly.

She reached for his hand again holding it tightly “parts of it, but some of that was all you
Regulus. I- I know really that I probably couldn’t have changed anything, but it still feels like
my fault… I loved her so much, so much and I always thought one day if all of this was over
I would be able to tell her that.”
“I think you’ll see her again,” Regulus said softly. “Then you can tell her,”

“You think there’s an afterlife?”

“Doesn’t all the evidence point to that? Ghosts alone prove the existence of something after,
we could go to the library if you really want proof,” He raised an eyebrow and she let out a
shaky laugh.

“I believe you,” she smiled weakly.

--

When Regulus died he closed his eyes. He let go, the pull of the hands dragging him into the
depths of the dark lake, water filling his lungs. He struggled, at first, he did and then right
along with the most intense pain, it just stopped. It all faded away and all that was left was
peace.

Then Regulus opened his eyes, shivering on the shore, clothes soaked, in the worst pain of
his life, and the peace was gone.

Heaven and Hell weren’t really wizarding sentients, but the basic idea had still managed to
sink into wizard culture, religion aside. Even though it had no serious connotations as it did
in the muggle world, Regulus had read a lot about it in literature. When he woke on that
shore, Regulus was sure it was hell. That his punishment for his deeds was to live this cold
cruel life for eternity.

For the smallest moment in time, Regulus Black had been wasted potential. A young
promising boy, only eighteen, just a teenager. So young and so bright, gone far too soon.
What a shame…
Then he got up, and crawled to his feet, sobbing with each movement. He hadn’t been used to
the feeling of his nerves on fire yet, he’d felt like he couldn’t even control his own body. Yet,
somehow Regulus got up, he walked away from the cave he was supposed to die in, never to
be seen again. Until now.

Regulus felt like wasted potential again, standing in the kitchen under Minerva McGonagall
and Albus Dumbledore’s gazes. Regulus tried to remind himself that this was his house, that
he belonged here, not them. Still, he felt like an insolent child, maybe he was still a child,
despite everything he really wasn’t that old.

“Mr. Black,” McGonagall greeted, her voice clipped in a way that Regulus couldn’t tell was
disapproving or not. Molly Weasley was still there glaring daggers at him, waiting for her
husband, Regulus presumed. Regulus had passed Arthur Weasley in the hallway chatting
with Ted Tonks. They’d both stopped when Regulus had passed and Ted had offered him a
tentative nod of his head, which made Regulus wonder what Andromeda had said to him.

“It’s just Regulus,” he told her because it was either Regulus Black or just Regulus, he would
never be Mr. Black.

“Regulus,” she corrected, and her voice wasn’t as hard as Regulus had first thought, maybe
the transfiguration professor didn’t despise him after all. “I’m sorry about Mr. Potter,”

“I- what?” That was absolutely the last thing Regulus expected her to say.

“I understand you’re… close. Losing him must be very hard on you, he’s a good man and I’ll
do anything I can to help you get him back.”

“How?” Regulus demanded, “how would you know that?”

She just looked at him, stern face unreadable “I know a great deal more about what goes on at
Hogwarts than students realize, especially when it comes to those in my own house sneaking
out during curfew…”
“Then why did we never get in trouble,”

“Well,” she raised a thin eyebrow “I never caught you, did I?”

Regulus almost smiled at that, but he quickly stopped it before any softness could form “No,
I suppose not,” he said stiffly feeling Molly Weasley’s sharp eyes on him.

He’d really only come down because he needed to get out of his bedroom which felt so full
of grief, new and old.

Regulus turned away, fixing himself a glass of water and trying to ignore the way he was
being watched like a creature in a cage. He could feel their gazes drilling into his back as if it
were strange that he do a normal human behavior like drink a glass of water.

A moment later Arthur Weasley entered and his wife stood “We best be back to the little ones
I think,” he said far too cheerfully for somebody in the middle of the war.

“Thank you for coming,” Dumbledore told them warmly “be ready, an attack could happen at
any moment now, so watch for a patronus.”

There was the pounding of footsteps down the stairs and Sirius was cutting right through the
middle of their conversation and grabbing Regulus’s arm, nearly causing him to spill his
water everywhere.

“Sirius what the fuck?”

“Realized… I realized-“ He said breathing heavily, clearly having run all the way down here
“important- come on!” he didn’t wait for Regulus to respond before pulling him up the stairs.
“What in merlin’s name is your problem?” Regulus demanded once Sirius had shoved
Regulus into his bedroom and shut the door with a slam.

“Mirror!”

“Mirror?” Regulus repeated incredulously

“Me and James-“ he said paused trying to catch his breath “we have a mirror that we
communicate with. James has his! He has it Regulus!”

Regulus’s heart missed a beat in his chest. “You mean we can talk to him?”

“We can talk to him,” Sirius confirmed eyes blazing with reignited hope “we can talk to
him…”

--

James hurt. Everything hurt.

He could feel the pain lingering in his blood, burning his veins as it pumped through his
body. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even lift his head. He knew he was shaking, his muscles
too weak to support him so James just laid his head down on the hard floor and closed his
eyes. He thought of Sirius, fourteen years old, mentioning casually that his parents had used
the Cruciatus curse on him. James had been horrified, it’s taken everything in him not to let
his mouth fall open in shock. Sirius didn’t like that, being treated like he was different or a
victim, so James had held himself very still and simply said: “I’m sorry.”

“S’alright Prongs,” Sirius had just shrugged “it wasn’t too bad,”

Sirius had definitely lied. James had known he was lying to ease James’ concern, of course,
he was, James had let it go. Clearly, Sirius hadn’t wanted to talk about it and James
understood, Remus was better for those things, James could offer support, but he didn’t know
pain. Not like Remus and Sirius did, so James had kept his mouth shut.

Now he could say with utmost confidence that Sirius was a huge liar. The curse designed
only to inflict unimaginable pain? Yes, it fucking hurt.

Voldemort wanted answers, and James was going to give them. Well… enough of them.

See, there was a lot more to James Potter than most people thought. Maybe he wasn’t like
Remus, Regulus, or Lily, he wasn’t wickedly smart. He wasn’t effortlessly powerful like
Sirius had always been breezing through all of his classes without even trying. James had
always been in the middle, not like Remus who put in the constant work to be the top of his
class, or Sirius who did it without the work either, but he wasn’t like Pete either who nothing
came easily to. James was a balance of the three of them, picking things up easily enough in
most subjects, he wasn’t top of his class but he didn’t struggle so much either. On the subjects
he did struggle in like potions, he put in the effort. Not like Remus who was always studying,
but quietly, behind the scenes, no one ever knew the time he put into his studies. Most people
thought he was as careless as Sirius who like James could rarely sit still in classes, but James
had learned tricks to focus and figured out how he worked.

James wasn’t book-smart, but he understood people. He knew how to keep his head on in a
crisis and he knew how to get what he wanted. James had never thought of this as any form
of intelligence until Regulus had said it once. They used to read together and Regulus had
quickly noted how differently they processed the information. James had felt dumb, he didn’t
see the intense parallels and deeper meaning Regulus seemed to pick out, the stories were just
stories to him.

“What are you talking about?” Regulus had asked, eyes flashing unhappily “of course you’re
brilliant,”

“Not really, I mean I do alright in classes but I have to work, I’ll never have the motivation to
be like you or Remus. Magic, literature, whatever, it doesn’t click in my brain like it does for
you.”

“It’s entirely different!” Regulus had protested, his voice rising to an uncharacteristic level
and James hadn’t cut in simply because he liked to see Regulus get worked up when it wasn’t
a serious argument “you just get things, get people. You know the right things to say and
when to say nothing at all. You know when to touch me and when to let me come to you. You
read these stories and sure, maybe you don’t pick up on the significance of the color of the
walls in a book, but you notice other things. I’ve never met anyone who gets so deeply to get
into a character’s head. You’re able to put yourself into their shoes and understand their
motivations and feel their emotions. You can imagine what it’s like to be someone else and
that skill, that level of empathy is very special, Jamie.”

James hadn’t even had an argument after that, his cheeks warming he’d pushed his glasses up
his nose “you think so?”

Regulus had reached out, fingers brushing over James’ knuckles and he’d suppressed the
shiver that ran up his spine, James loved when Regulus touched him first. “I’m not a liar,”
Regulus had said simply, and he wasn’t.

If James had asked Regulus to tell him what the Cruciatus curse felt like, he would have told
him, in as intense detail as James wanted. He’d never asked.

Now James didn’t need to.

He pushed himself onto his elbow trying to ignore the shake of his arms and the lingering
cloud of pain over every inch of his body. He knew you could get nerve damage if you were
under the curse long enough, he hoped that wouldn’t happen. Surely not, right? Honestly,
James didn’t know how long he’d been under, but he knew he couldn’t tell the Death Eaters
anything yet, potential nerve damage or not. If he gave up any information so readily they’d
know he was lying and simply feed him vetiserum which was the last thing James wanted.
He needed to resist enough that they’d think they’d tortured the information from him. He
was sure the only reason they hadn’t just dosed him with truth potion yet was because they
didn’t have any readily available, the potion was even harder to procure these days.

“Are you alright?”

James looked up squinting through the bars of the cell he was in, his glasses had been
cracked sometime during his abduction and it took him a moment to make out the figure of a
woman at the bars of the cell next to him.
“Fine,” James croaked, wincing at how raw his throat was from screaming.

“You got crucioed for a while up there. Must be someone important then?”

“Not really,” James told her “I’m James,”

The woman paused “Potter?”

“Yes,” James frowned forcing himself to sit up “do we know each other?”

“Not really, we were at Hogwarts together, I’m Emma.”

“Emma…” James repeated, “what house were you in?”

“Slytherin, we played each other in Quidditch quite a few times,”

“Oh, Vanity?” He said suddenly remembering “you were in Regulus’s year,”

“Yes, Emma Vanity, and you mean Regulus Black?”

“Know any other Regulus?” James laughed despite the pain it sent through his ribs “I’d say
as far as wizarding naming traditions go, the two of us got pretty lucky.”

He could see her better now that his eyes had adjusted, and he felt his chest warm when she
smiled slightly. Clearly, she’d been here awhile, her long hair was matted, and her cheeks
were hollow. As she scooted closer to the shared bars of their cell James could see how
scarily thin her wrists were. He did remember her a little, she’d been a strong quidditch
player, swift and powerful. Now despite her gauntness, James could still see the shadow of
resolve lingering behind her haunted eyes.

“How long have you been here?”

“It’s hard to track, but I’d assume about a month, not too long,”

“Do you know where we are,”

“Yes,” she said instantly “Malfoy Manor, that’s one of the few things I know.”

James nodded, great that wasn’t where he wanted to be. “How’d you end up here, aren’t you
a pureblood?”

She arched an eyebrow “aren’t you?”

“Well yes, but everyone has considered the Potters blood traitors since before I was born. Not
your family.”

“No,” she said after a moment, sighing in agreement “I ran off with squib. Eventually, I got
caught and dragged back, put up a bit too much of a fight.”

“Oh,” James blinked at her bluntness “where are they now?”

“Far, far away, I hope. What about you? How’d you end up here.”

“Well, it’s not entirely different from how you did honestly, I loved someone I wasn’t
supposed to.”
“A muggle?”

“No, a pureblood,”

“Is that not You-Know-Who’s ideal match? Two purebloods to make more pureblood
babies?”

James had no idea what compelled him to say what he did next “ah, well you see there will
be no pureblood babies seeing as it’s a man,”

It was her turn to blink in surprise and then she laughed, the sound almost foreign in such a
dark terrible place.

“Well, I’ll tell you a secret, my squib isn’t a man,”

James returned her grin “well would you look at that,” he shook his head, and he knew in that
moment that he’d just created some kind of bond with this girl he barely knew. They were in
it together. James was going to get out and merlin help him, he was taking Emma too.

“Any chance you have any idea how to escape from here,”

“I have many, but none of them will work. They have this place warded tightly and even if
we got past the wards and upstairs, it’s crawling with Death Eaters. We’d never even make it
onto the grounds.”

James frowned, if it were Regulus here instead James knew he would have fought his way
out of there in an instant. Wand or not, wards were breakable, but not for James. He didn’t
have that kind of skill or understanding of magic and suddenly he found himself regretting
not trying harder to excel in school. He’d always been happy to do well enough, he never
needed to be great. If he had, maybe he would have the knowledge he needed to break the
wards.

Before James could think much more of his doomed escape plan, the cellar door opened and
James and Emma both scrambled up. He tried to ignore the pain that shot through every inch
of his body as he straightened, shoulders tense at the sound of footsteps.

James knew, he knew as soon as he saw the figure's legs appear. He knew from the gait of
their walk but that didn’t stop the familiarity from feeling like a sucker punch as soon as the
Death Eater stopped in front of James’ cell.

“Peter,” he choked out.

Peter just surveyed him for a moment, cocking his head. He didn’t look evil, he didn’t look
much different than he had in school. He had a few years on him, just as they all did, but
aside from that, he had the same haircut, the same round face, and small eyes, that James had
always called him adorable for.

“James,” he said, nodding and his voice wasn’t so different either, in fact, he seemed entirely
casual. As if he weren’t a traitor, a murderer.

“What do you want?”

“Just to talk,”

Ah, so that was their angle. Torturing hadn’t worked so they’d sent Peter down heard instead.
Maybe a conversation with an old friend would loosen his tongue. It wouldn’t, but soft good-
hearted, loyal James Potter… yes, James thought that person, would be willing to give a little
information.

James wanted to grab Peter through the bars and knock his head hard enough that he might
feel remorse for the things he’d done. Peter was responsible for Marlene and Dorcas’s death,
he was responsible for the Longbottoms, nearly killing Lily and Harry, and for almost tearing
Remus and Sirius apart when they were both convinced the other was the spy. Peter had
killed more people than James was sure he'd ever know.

Instead, James forced himself to stay still and force out a reply “what about?”

“What were you doing in Hogsmeade, who were you with?”

James paused, none of the Death Eaters had recognized Regulus? James wanted to cry in
relief, so he was still anonymous, he was still safe, assuming he’d gotten away. But if he
hadn’t, why would Peter be questioning him about Regulus, was it a test?

No, no. Regulus was smart, he was capable, James saw him disappear through the door, he
had to believe for his own sanity that Regulus was safe.

“I was just tortured upstairs for merlin knows how long, what makes you think I’d tell you
anything?”

“Come on James, we were friends once. No matter how much has changed you have to know
I still care about you. I don’t want you hurt, if you just give me a few answers I can make
sure you’re safe.”

“I don’t care about myself,” James said quickly and that wasn’t a lie “I care about my family,
the people I love,”

“Right, how is your son? I never did hear what you wound up naming him, he was born in
August, wasn’t he?”

“Yes,” James hissed “and it doesn’t matter what his name is.”
“Hm,” Peter leaned back on his heels “well, I understand. You must know the end is coming,
Prongs.” The old nickname coming from Peter sounded revolting “the war is in its last
movements and there’s no doubt who will win. The Order has already lost, if you help us, the
Dark Lord is willing to spare you and your family, your son can even grow up safe and
happy. All you have to do is tell us what you know.”

James hesitated “A-and what do you need to know?”

“You can start by telling me about what you were doing in Hogsmeade and who you were
with.”

“I- I don’t know who the kid was,” James admitted “he’s a new recruit, quiet, didn’t say a
word to me, not even his name. And believed me I tried to get him to talk,” James shrugged
“Dumbledore sent us, we were trying to get into Hogwarts, he thought there was some secret
artifact, or something hidden there.”

“How were trying to get in, through the shack?”

“Yes, but we didn’t make it that far.”

“And the kid?”

“I don’t know, he left me,” James scowled as if that were an annoyance to him, hoping none
of the Death Eaters had seen enough to contradict him.

“Why would Dumbledore send a useless kid?”

“We were just supposed to be scoping out the area, making sure we could still bring people in
through the shack, Dumbledore didn’t want to bring any attention by marching Order
members into the castle.”
“Good,” Peter looked far too satisfied with himself and James wanted to throw up.

“Is that enough, my family will be safe?” James asked quickly.

“For now, I’ll be back.”

It wasn’t until the cellar door had firmly closed leaving them in the dark once more that
James let himself breathe.

“Why would you tell him all that?” Emma whispered into the darkness.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this war, it’s that sometimes you have to cross lines.”
James said simply “I’m only doing what I need to.”

He stumbled back down leaning against the wall, the adrenaline of seeing Peter again was
fading and now his head spun the lingering pain becoming impossible to ignore. If it weren’t
for all the people James knew were waiting for him, he might have sat down and given up,
but he couldn’t. He had Harry, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Regulus all waiting for him. Regulus
would never forgive himself if James didn’t come back, so he couldn’t give up. Not now, not
after everything.

It was late when the door opened again, yanking James out from the edges of sleep. Emma
jerked up as well but she didn’t look as alarmed as she had when Peter came earlier.

“Sometimes she sneaks us food on days we don’t get fed,” Emma whispered.

James didn’t have time to ask who ‘she’ was before there were soft footsteps on the stairs and
a woman was gliding through the darkness, there was no light shining through from the open
door this time and James knew it must have been night now.
It took him a moment to place the woman’s long blond hair. Narcissa Black or no- Malfoy
now, was pushing a plate under the bars to Emma and then another to him.

“It’s safe,” Emma said to James softly as James eyed it suspiciously “she brings it to us most
nights, or to just me now. I’ve been the only person in here for a few days.”

“Potter…” Narcissa said softly, eyeing him with unease “I heard whispers they’d caught
you.”

“What,” James bit out “you’re not privy to the little Death Eater meetings?”

“I have no mark,” Narcissa said quietly, her eyes not meeting his eyes, instead her gaze was
fixed nervously over his shoulder.

“Doesn’t mean much,”

“I know,” Narcissa whispered as if it pained her. James realized for the first time, that maybe
she had never really wanted this. Maybe it was too late for that to matter.

James leaned forward to hesitantly take the food and suddenly Narcissa froze, her breath
stuttering in her throat.

“Where did you get that?”

James looked up, following her gaze to where her gaze was fixed at some point on his chest,
on his necklace, the one with Regulus’s ring on it.

“It was given to me,” he said stiffly.

“It’s a Black ring,”

“You may recall my best friend is a Black,”

“Yes, but that isn’t Sirius’s ring, it’s Regulus’s. As far as I knew, it’s been missing for years.
You know his parents wanted it after he died, but they couldn’t find it anywhere.”

“Good,” James said shortly “they didn’t deserve to have it,”

“He gave it to you?”

“Well, I didn’t steal it.”

“I didn’t realize you knew him very well,”

“Most don’t.”

“He might want it back,”

James raised an eyebrow, and he knew she knew “dead people don’t have any use for their
belongings,”

“No, dead people don’t,” she acknowledged and clearly, she knew James knew.

She stepped back “eat quickly so I can take your plates…” Emma wasted no time obeying
and after a moment James ate as well, he hated to admit how hungry he was. He had no idea
how long he’d been there and he figured if he had any hope of healing he needed fuel.
Once they’d eaten and Narcissa had wiped any traces she turned to James.

“We had a break-in some time ago, Lucius cast hundreds of spells and he couldn’t figure out
how they got in, he doesn’t know there's a weakness in the wards in the garden. A design
flaw like that doesn’t show up on the usual scans. If someone were to make it out of here,
prisoner’s wands are stored in the parlor, tonight will be quiet as most Death Eaters have been
called away. The end is near, if you want to live, you only have so many more chances,”

With that she was hurrying back up the stairs, leaving James and Emma both staring after in
her shock.

“She wants us to escape?” Emma whispered eyes wide in disbelief.

“Unfortunately she didn’t exactly tell us how to get past these wards. I don’t have a wand and
wandless magic isn’t a talent of mine.”

“Nor mine,” Emma crossed her arms “but maybe there’s a weakness here too?”

Two hours later they had decided there definitely wasn’t. James didn’t know how late it was
and he was afraid they were running out of time when suddenly he felt something warm in
his pocket. James froze and Emma looked at him in question as she took in his expression.

Quickly fishing in his pocket, James’ fingers closed around something smooth and he pulled
it out nearly sobbing with joy when he realized what it was. His mirror, oh god, how had he
not realized he still had it? James hadn’t even considered that the Death Eaters hadn’t taken it
off him.

There was a grey eye reflected in the mirror shard and James gasped barely daring to breathe
as he whispered “Pads?”

“Prongs?” Sirius’s voice was tight, terrified in a way James had only heard when Remus
disappeared and again when Regulus was taken.
“It’s me, it’s me,”

“Oh god,” the image dropped slightly Sirius’s face disappearing from view, he seemed to be
near tears in his relief.

A moment later the mirror seemed to be yanked from Sirius’s hands and James took in
another pair of grey eyes, darker than Sirius’s, yet so similar. “Are you okay, where are you?”

“I’m at Malfoy Manor, apparently this has become their headquarters recently.”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed, mouth in a tight line “but are you okay?”

“I’m hanging in there,” James said because he didn’t want to lie to Regulus.

There was a moment of silence after that and James wanted to kick himself because he knew
his loved ones would view that as bad, that ‘hanging in there’ and ‘okay’ were two very
different things in James’ language.

Lily’s voice was cutting in a second later “we’re going to get you out,” she said fiercely and
James found himself smiling at her determination.

“Yes,” Remus spoke up “we’re coming to get you,”

“No, don’t,” James said quickly.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Narcissa said most of the Death Eaters are out tonight, I think they’re going to take
Hogwarts, you have to warn Dumbledore, you have to go there and stop him.”

“And leave you there?” Regulus hissed “absolutely not,”

“No, no, Narcissa told us how to get out, the only problem is the wards on the cells, we can’t
get through them. Tell me how to and we can get out on our own.”

“We?”

“Yes, me and the other prisoner here “Emma Vanity? I think you were in the same year,”

“I remember,” Regulus said stiffly “but I can’t just tell you how to get through the wards
unless you by some miracle have your wand.”

“Then how do we get through?”

“You don’t, I can come and take them down,”

“No,” James said firmly “you need to go to Hogwarts and kill Voldemort,”

“I don’t care about Voldemort I care about saving you,”

“Then do that without coming here yourself,”

Regulus was about to continue arguing when suddenly he stopped, coming to a realization
“Kreacher,” he said softly.
James frowned “your house elf?”

“Yes, normal magic rules don’t apply to house elves, they can come and go as they please
through wizarding wards, he apparated me out of the cave, he can come get you.”

“I thought he was in hiding?”

“He is, but he’ll come when I call, just hold on,” with that the mirror was being passed back
into Sirius’s hand and Regulus was gone.

“My brother is hoarding you Prongs,” Sirius complained.

“Sirius Black, the light of my life, you are always the center of my world,”

“And you James are the best, just wonderful and incredible, the love of my life,”

“Hey!” James heard Remus protest and despite the severity of the situation he was in, James
couldn’t help but laugh.

“Wait, no sorry Moony,” Sirius hurried to correct himself “Prongs you are the second love of
my life,”

“Well, you’re the second love of my life as well, so we’re even.”

Sirius mimed throwing up at that and James rolled his eyes.

“Kreacher is coming,” Regulus’s voice spoke again and James took a deep breath.
“Okay, you all should go, warn Dumbledore, I’ll meet you at Hogwarts.”

“Okay, be careful Prongs, I’ll bring you back to life and kill you again if you die,” Sirius said.

“Noted,” James smiled weakly.

“I will do far worse than that if you die,” Remus muttered darkly.

“You have a son,” was Lily’s comment, and that was far more motivating than any of his
friends' threats.

“Who I will be returning to,” James said firmly “I’ll see you guys soon, I love you all.”

There was a chorus of ‘love you’s and then Regulus was speaking the reflection in the mirror
falling on his face again “You made a promise,” he said his voice choked.

“Eventually…” James remembered, touching the ring around his neck “I love you,”

Regulus scoffed but when he spoke his voice was soft, barely above a whisper “I love you
too, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Now, that’s a bit much to ask of me,”

Regulus’s last words before James saw only his own face reflected back, were a few choice
curse words about James’ stupidity.

James was still smiling as the crack of apparition sounded through the cellar and an old house
elf stared at James and Emma disapprovingly.
 “Master Regulus says to save the blood traitors,” Kreacher spoke looking at them in distaste
and James just raised his eyebrows at Emma.

“Well,” she raised her head, jaw set in determination “let’s get out of here,”

Chapter End Notes

There are some bits of this chapter that I love so much, and some I don't. However, I do
think I went off with the little "James dreamed of another life bits" what the fuck?? those
hurt ME and I wrote it.

Also, enter Emma! The one part of this fic I hate is that a lot of my faves like Dorcas
and Marlene are already dead here, so I had to get creative with the characters I can
introduce since half of them are deceased. I don't know anything about how people
headcanon Emma Vanity, so this is just my own idea of the character.

Anyway, I had the shittiest of shitty weeks and I've been looking forward to posting this
week because y'all never fail to make me smile with your responses. This fic has
become a lot bigger than I ever expected and it really makes me happy that something
I've poured my soul into is being appreciated. I see y'all recommending it on tiktok and I
bumped into someone's twitter thread talking about it. It makes me happy that the time I
put into writing is worth it and that people enjoy it.

Anyway, not to be sappy but posting is one of the highlights of my week. I'm a double
major, in school full time, commuting 45 mins back and forth, AND working, so life can
be so fucking stressful at times. Getting to put time into something I love and seeing
people love it too is something that brightens up my Friday after a shitty week.

Love y'all

come chat with me!!

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Summary

The battle of Hogwarts

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Hogwarts

1983

Hogwarts was quiet.

The sky was dark, the halls empty, the torches were burning, shadows lingering in the
corners. Sirius thought it felt wrong not to hold his breath, not to stick to corners or creep
under the cloak of darkness. He wasn’t a student anymore. The corridors were lit, and there
were no students in the castle.

Even stranger was Regulus at his side.

Sirius had never walked the stone floors of the old castle in step with his little brother. Pretty
much as soon as Regulus had been sorted into Slytherin, a divide had grown between them.
Sirius had felt betrayed and disappointed; he was only twelve, and in his mind, his brother
being sorted into Slytherin meant that he wasn’t like him, wasn’t good. It felt like Regulus
had chosen their parents over Sirius.

Now, they stood side-by-side, casting together to fortify Hogwarts for the fight that was sure
to come. As they moved on to the next point, their footsteps echoed through the corridor and
Sirius watched his brother who stared ahead, face set in a cold determination.
“You said I love you.”

Regulus blinked, snapping back from where his mind had been. “What?”

“James. You told him you loved him.”

“Oh.” Regulus only spared a glance at Sirius before quickly looking away. “Are you
surprised that I do?”

“Not that you do, but that you said it. You don’t do that.”

“I don’t,” Regulus agreed quietly. “Probably never would have, but… James found a letter I
wrote before I went to die, and I said it in the letter. After that, it didn’t feel like the right
thing, refusing to say it.”

“You wrote him a letter?”

“I wrote you one, too.”

Sirius’s eyes widened. “Did you say you loved me in mine, too?”

Regulus didn’t reply, and that was answer enough. Despite the circumstances, Sirius smiled.

“Hey, Reggie?”

Regulus sighed. “What, Sirius?”

“I love you.”

Sirius didn’t expect Regulus to say anything more, but a moment later, barely louder than a
breath, he heard the words.

“I love you, too.”

Sirius stopped so suddenly Regulus nearly ran right into him. He spun, and for a long second
they just held each other’s gazes, years of pent-up conversations sitting between them. There
wasn’t time to have them. Sirius still had a million things he wanted to say; if something
happened to either of them today, Sirius wasn’t sure how he would live with it. Yet, for the
time being, this was enough. To know that despite the cruelty and lack of love between most
members of the Black family, Regulus and Sirius Black were brothers, and they loved each
other. They were proof that Blacks were capable of something good.

--

“Do you want to talk about it? Mary?”

Lily looked away from the now heavily warded sky above Hogwarts. “I don’t know what
there is to say, Rem. She’s dead. There’s nothing I can do, nothing to be said…” She could
feel the grief in every inch of her body, burrowing into her bones, pulling her to the earth. A
part of Lily wanted to lie down and bury herself in the dirt so she might feel close to Mary
again, who was no doubt in a fresh grave somewhere on another continent. If Lily had
nothing else to live for, she might have. But Harry was with Petunia, on the most mundane,
suburban street with little cookie-cutter houses. He was stuck with his awful cousin and
Petunia’s terrible husband. Lily had no doubt Petunia would keep her promise to treat Harry
fairly. Despite their ruined relationship, she still did have some sort of fondness for Lily, and
if not that, there was the fear of what Lily and James might do if Harry was treated badly.

So, Lily couldn’t lie down and give up. Her son was waiting for her. People were depending
on her, but Jesus, she was just so tired. Regulus Black had walked into her life, and for the
very first time in so many years, she felt hope. Lily wasn’t someone whose fire could be
tamed, even when James had been nothing more than a phantom of a person, even when she
wanted to shake his shoulders and scream. Even when Remus and Sirius were falling apart
and neither would acknowledge it, Lily was still fighting. She believed with every bit of
herself that they could work through it. Then Remus had disappeared. James had clearly
known something, and Sirius was a mess, abandoned, shattered at Remus’s sudden absence.
Lily wished she could say she’d still believed, but a part of her had begun to doubt. They had
no upper hand; it only felt like a matter of when they lost.

Then came Remus and Regulus stumbling into her house one night, and suddenly, losing
wasn’t inevitable anymore.

It felt like she’d blinked from that moment, healing Regulus on her sofa, and opened her eyes
to this moment. Standing on the Hogwarts grounds, the same ones she’d run across with
Mary and Marlene, arms linked as they giggled, mischievous smiles hidden behind their
wide, girlish eyes. Everyone knew the boys were troublemakers; no one ever suspected Lily,
Mary and Marlene. They were smart enough to never get caught.

Oh, the pain of girlhood, ripped from their grasp far too soon. But for a time, they were just
teenagers. They’d put on their records and dance around the dorm, screaming the lyrics,
braiding one another’s hair and planning elaborate schemes late into the night. Growing up a
young woman might be one of the hardest things a young person can do. Nothing made
sense, everything hurt, all eyes felt like they were tearing into Lily’s softest parts. She wasn’t
smart, or brave, or bold, or pretty enough. She couldn’t measure up to the women in
magazines or the Head Girl in Lily’s fourth year. Pretty and perfect with long blonde curls
and top marks in every class. Lily wanted that to be her so badly. When the day came, she
still didn’t feel like she was enough. She remembered a third-year confiding in her one night,
with such a small voice, that she wanted to be like Lily but was afraid she’d never be good
enough. The words had ripped through Lily like a hurricane, turning everything on its head,
because once, she had thought the exact same thing.

It was hard, so hard to perceive herself through everyone else’s eyes. She worried she was
letting people down, that she would never measure up. She felt so alone in it. Mary was the
boldest, most confident person Lily knew. Marlene was secure in herself, one of the best of
the quidditch team. She knew who she was and what she wanted. Lily felt alone. She felt as if
she were the only one who had no idea what she really sought.

Then, in came James. Stupid, loud and unkempt James Potter, who Lily had spent years
turning down, scoffing every time he turned his attention on her. She couldn’t stand him and
his advances until… one day, they just stopped. She knew now that was because of Regulus,
but at the time she was simply shocked. Lily found that when James wasn’t treating her like a
conquest, when he talked to her the same as he did Mary and Marlene, they got on alright.
Lily had barely even claimed him as a friend. She’d only tolerated him and Sirius because
she was close with Remus, but she found him growing on her. It turned out that James looked
at the world similarly to how she did, always wanting to take care of everyone, treating the
people around him with such care and kindness. It didn’t take her too long to realize that
underneath James’s bravado, he was genuinely a bright and caring person. So they slowly
became friends.

Lily had noticed when something shifted. James came back to school acting outwardly the
same. He was as quick as ever to smile, constantly cheering up and taking care of the people
around him. He threw himself into his Head Boy duties and even joined Remus and Lily to
study for N.E.W.Ts. He wanted to be an auror and was determined to do well. He was as
bright and happy as ever, except sometimes when he thought no one was looking, Lily would
see his gaze pass over the Slytherin table, or hover at a spot in the library and just for a
moment, his eyes would be filled with anguish. Lily didn’t know at the time that James’s
gaze was stuck on the spot next to Barty and Evan where Regulus should have been. She
didn’t know he was remembering a boy who was lost to him, she just knew that maybe he
was like her, too. Maybe James sometimes buckled under the weight of the expectations as
well.

They started going out after Christmas holidays in their seventh year. The truth was it wasn’t
actually that serious. Not that any of their friends knew that; in their eyes, since James had
finally managed to snag Lily, of course they were bound to run off and get married, have a
perfect domestic life. For them, it was just a little fun. Lily didn’t know then what was
holding James back, and she was okay with not knowing, because she knew there was
something holding her back as well, though she couldn’t say what. When Lily got pregnant, it
was a shock, an accident really. They’d been terrified, the idea of bringing a baby into a war
was unthinkable, and at their age? They were still so young; they hadn’t even meant to dive
into a long-term relationship. There had always been something there, stopping them both
from loving each other in the way they wanted.

Now, Lily was afraid she knew what it was, because all she could think was that the only
person who might understand how Lily felt after losing Mary was James. James, who had
spent years mourning the man that he loved. James, who had been doomed with a
relationship that was never going to work. He’d get it, Lily knew he would. That scared her
because Mary was dead, and Lily didn’t feel like she’d be prepared to examine what that
meant for a very long time.

“I just wish James were here,” she told Remus quietly, breaking the long bout of silence that
had sat between them.
“I know.” His brown eyes were filled with a soft understanding that made Lily
uncomfortable, but she quickly shook it off.

“Come on, we have more wards to put up.” She marched off back towards the castle, not
waiting for Remus to catch up.

--

Regulus found Pandora in the great hall, eyes fixed on the ceiling where the reflection of the
stars glittered down upon them.

“Pandora?”

She looked away, bright eyes meeting his with an intensity that made Regulus’s stomach
drop. They still hadn’t had a proper conversation since she’d found out he was alive only
days before, and Regulus didn’t even know where to begin.

Thankfully, Pandora did.

“I used to imagine you looking down upon me,” she said softly. “I painted constellations on
my Luna’s ceiling, put your star right where she could see it every night. I hoped you’d be
happy with how I chose to live my life, even though I stayed away from the fight.”

“I am. I’m incredibly proud of you,” Regulus whispered. “I’m glad you got to have a kid and
get married, I’m glad you got to live a life outside of war. We– we’re the only ones left.
Dorcas, Evan, Barty… it’s just us. If you still wanted to leave, if you didn’t want to fight, I’d
be okay with that. In fact I think I’d prefer it.”

“You know me better than that, Reg.” She smiled gently. “I stayed away so long to keep my
daughter safe, but I can’t turn away any longer. Luna’s far away from here, and I can’t
imagine a world where I go back to her now. I can’t imagine telling her one day that I left my
sole living friend here to fight on his own.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” Regulus said, jaw clenched. “If anything, you should be angry
with me for leaving you. You’re not obligated to stay.”

“But I want to. I’m not angry, I could never be angry. I saw you in the weeks before your
supposed death. I brought you to the hospital when you were dying from the potions. I knew.
I felt it in my blood, in my bones. I woke up from dreams of the world falling to pieces, this
sense of wrongness followed me everywhere I went. I knew the end was coming, and I could
do nothing to save you. Barty and Evan liked to pretend that everything was going to be fine,
even though they knew you didn’t really want any of it. I knew it’d kill you, and it was only a
matter of when. If anything, you should be angry with me for not trying harder.”

“No,” Regulus countered quickly, “no, my downfall was not your burden. I didn’t want to be
saved. If I’d wanted to, I would have let James save me years earlier. I would have tried. I
walked to my death willingly. I went knowing I’d die to spare Kreacher. Pandora, I was dying
long before I wrote my goodbyes. I was an addict only alive out of pure luck, I could have
overdosed any point before then, and I survived by chance. I survived because you were
there. You did more than I ever could have asked of you. I didn’t want to live, and that’s on
no one but me.”

“And now?” She whispered, her blue eyes wide as they flicked over his face.

“I think… I have quite a few things to lose.”

She laughed softly at that, the sound warm and musical. Everything about Pandora had
always been so sweet and beautiful, even the determination in her eyes was lovely. Regulus
still wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve her. Strange, kind, caring Pandora, who even after
Regulus had lost most people in his life, he’d never lost her. Not once had he thought that if
he were to return, that she wouldn’t instantly accept him back.

“Good. Because if you die again, you’ll regret it.”

Regulus couldn’t help but return her smile. “Believe me, you’re not the only person’s whose
wrath I’d have to face for that. I’d never know a day of peace, even in death.”
The double doors opened, and Regulus watched Lily and Remus enter the Great Hall.
Professor McGonagall was right behind them, followed by Slughorn who seemed incredibly
nervous, hands wrung tightly together. Sirius, who’d been talking to Emmeline Vance across
the room, abandoned her immediately, grabbing Remus’s hand possessively almost as soon as
he set foot into the room.

Regulus couldn’t help but smile as Sirius leaned close and Remus gently flicked Sirius’s
cheek in response to whatever he said. McGonagall had what almost looked like a smile on
her face as she watched them, and Regulus was left to wonder how many secret relationships
this woman was aware of. She was starting to scare Regulus a little.

More people began to fill the hall. It was a sizable crowd, though nothing compared to the
Death Eaters that were sure to come. Regulus knew if it were based on power or size, they’d
never win… Yet, Voldemort was mortal and Regulus was sure if the Dark Lord fell, so would
his army.

Dumbledore was watching the crowd from the staff table at the head of the room, and for a
moment, their gazes met. Regulus didn’t flinch, didn’t blink. A moment later, the headmaster
broke their eye contact first at a sudden commotion as Professor Flitwick rushed over,
whispering something in his ear. Alastor Moody was right behind him, a force of power as he
crossed his arms, gaze dark.

A moment later, Moody was turning towards the doors, wand raised. The first thing Regulus
saw was a woman, long dark hair dirty and matted, clothes hanging off her frame. But she
walked with determination, unflinching as Moody’s wand made a target of her.

“Whoa, none of that. We’re on your side,” a voice spoke up behind the woman.

The second thing Regulus noticed was James.

Sirius seemed to register him at the exact same moment because he let out a shout and
barreled into his best mate. Remus and Lily were right behind him, being closest to the door.
Regulus was up before he was even considering what he was doing. He stopped, leaving a
large space between him and James. Sirius finally let go of his friend, noticing Regulus.
Regulus raised his wand. “What did I tell you in the tent?” he asked, not trusting it was really
him until he heard his voice.

“Present-tense?” James asked. His glasses were cracked, and he had a slight shake to his
hands that Regulus recognized, the after-effects of long periods spent under the Cruciatus
curse. The thought was sickening, and Regulus didn’t know how to think about what that
meant.

Regulus instantly dropped his wand arm to his side and James stepped forward, and then
Regulus was moving, too. James’s arms were wrapping around him tightly, nearly lifting
Regulus from the ground with the force of it. Regulus put his own arms tightly around
James’s waist, head burrowing into the space between James’s shoulder and neck. He
breathed in James’s familiar smell as the other man dropped his head to nuzzle into Regulus’s
hair.

“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered into James’s neck.

“I’m not,” James said fiercely, pulling back to cup Regulus’s face in his hands. “I’m not, so
don’t you dare drown in guilt over a decision I will never regret in my life.”

“They hurt you.”

“Yeah, and you’ve had years of that to know what it’s like. I can handle a Cruciatus or two if
it means protecting the people I love. I’d do it all over again a million times, so don’t
apologize.”

Sirius was stepping closer again after giving them a moment, and James reached out for him.
A moment later, Lily and Remus were joining their hug as well, all of them wrapped up
together.

Yes, Regulus thought, he had an awful lot to lose, and he would obliterate anyone or anything
that tried to take it from him…
Dumbledore called the room to order, his voice ringing through the hall.

“For many years, we have fought a war with no end in sight,” he began, as everyone turned
to face him. “We have all made decisions we are proud of and those we regret as well. War is
not an easy concept, it is not something that often allows for goodness. Yet, we manage to
hold onto the things that make us human throughout. We manage to find love and warmth
even in the darkest places. Tonight, at our darkest hour, despite the fact that each of us may
have different beliefs and ideals, different opinions on how this war should have been fought,
tonight we are united. We want the same thing: Voldemort’s end. We want this war, which
has taken far too much from us, to finally end. I ask you to remember that no matter what is
to come, that despite our differences, we are all human. We are people with loved ones,
dreams and hopes. All of us want to live in a world where we can wake up unafraid, all of us
want peace to live out our lives, pursue our careers, raise our children. We are different, but
we all have something in common: love and humanity. Lord Voldemort loves no one and
cares for nothing but his own power and invincibility. He has stepped so far from humanity
he does not even recognize love, but at the end of the day, he is still just a man. The Death
Eaters approach, and they will try to take Hogwarts from us, but this is a castle full of love
and joy, just as much as it has seen pain and heartbreak. It is full of the magic of youth and
growth. Many of the people in this room found love and a home here; we will not let it be
tainted.”

As the headmaster paused, his eyes falling on Regulus for a moment, Regulus found he
couldn’t hate the man as he did when he was younger. With his own age and experience, as
terrible as Dumbledore’s mistakes had been, Regulus could understand that as old and
powerful as he was, he was just a man. A man with the fate of the entire wizarding world on
his shoulders. He’d made cruel decisions in the name of war, but hadn’t Regulus himself
killed and destroyed to achieve his own goals? Regulus thought he would probably resent the
man forever, but Dumbledore wasn’t a monster, not any more than Regulus was. He was only
human.

“Let us stand together tonight,” Dumbledore continued. “Let us remember who we are and
what we believe in. Voldemort cannot be allowed to take anything more.”

The room was silent following his words, the crowd quiet and somber. This was it; this was
the end, one way or another.
Moody stepped forward next, accompanied by a few other aurors, and they began to direct
people on strategy and tactics. Everyone had shown up ready to give everything they had,
and Regulus tried to breathe, hands reaching out for James and Sirius on either side of him.
Any of them could die tonight; this could be the last time they all stood together.

“If anything happens to us, don’t let Harry stay with my sister,” Lily whispered. “They won’t
love him as he deserves.” She looked to Sirius, Remus, and Regulus. “I know any of you
would love and care for him as your own, and that’s what I want. I want him to grow up
knowing every second of every day that he is loved.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to either of you,” Sirius said, his voice choked, “but you know
we would do anything for him.”

“I know, I just had to say it,” she said, and James reached out, squeezing her shoulder.

Lily just smiled at him sadly, waving her wand and repairing James’s glasses with a wordless
spell.

“If anyone thinks they can take me from any of you, they’ll quickly realize how very fucking
wrong they are,” James said, his eyes hard behind his newly fixed glasses.

“Pads,” Remus said quickly as a sudden bang sounded through the castle and they all
tensed…

Voldemort was here.

“Moony?” Sirius whispered.

“You believe me now, right?”

“I do.”
“Good, good,” Remus choked out. “We should have a kid if we live through this.”

“Didn’t we both once say we’d be terrible parents?” Sirius joked weakly. Moody started to
send people off in groups, and the hall dissolved into chaos.

“When we were eighteen, yeah, but I don’t think that’s true anymore. I think I’d like to have
a family with you. It’s not like either of us needs to worry about passing down our genetics.”

Sirius laughed. “Okay, one day we’ll have a kid, happy?”

“With you? Always.”

“Let’s all buy houses right next door to each other and give Harry a bunch of cousins and
siblings and some pets,” James spoke up, smiling at his little family. “Have a big garden and
cook family dinners every weekend… We can all have enough kids to make a little quidditch
team.”

“Um, personally I think I can only handle one,” Remus raised an eyebrow even as Moody
was waving at them, yelling for them to get going.

“That’s okay, Regulus and I are going to have six.”

Regulus choked on his breath. “What the fuck? No, we aren’t. I didn’t even agree to four!”

“Hm,” James grinned, “but you didn’t disagree. Maybe seven more kids are good… then with
Harry, plus Remus and Sirius’s kid, we’ll have more than enough for quidditch.” His eyes lit
up as Pandora appeared at Regulus’s shoulder. “Oh and with Luna as well, we’ll be set! I bet
Harry would be an amazing chaser.”
Sirius laughed. “Have you seen how fast that kid is? I bet he’s a seeker.”

“Oh definitely,” Regulus agreed. “I’ll teach him to be the best seeker of his age.”

Lily nudged Regulus playfully. “Just don’t you dare turn my son into a quidditch fanatic.”

“He has James as a father,” Remus snorted, “I think it’s too late for that.”

“I think Mad-Eye may curse you all in a moment if you don’t get going,” Pandora smiled,
“but Luna would love to be a part of the quidditch team you’re raising, I’m sure.”

“Good,” James said. “You’ll come over every weekend for family dinners, of course.”

“Of course,” she agreed. “Reg will never be able to get rid of me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” James told her.

Before Regulus was ready, Moody was breaking up their group and sending them on their
way. Regulus only had a second to grasp Remus and Sirius’s hands before he and James were
being pushed with Pandora out of the hall.

“I do need a new house,” Pandora said softly as they set off into the castle, another bone-
shaking boom sounding through the castle as the wards were attacked. “It might be nice to
live close to each other.”

Regulus smiled. “If you think I’m letting you go far after everything…” he said, nudging her,
“we’re the only two left, we’re sticking close,”

“Good, because I’m not letting you go either,” Pandora said resolutely.
They all paused as another blast shook the castle. Regulus could see the spells hitting the
wards through the window.

“They won’t break through, will they?” James asked, eyeing the shuddering forcefield above
them.

“They will,” Regulus said because they all knew it, “but you heard what Moody said. It’s
designed to filter Voldemort’s forces, to break only at certain points so they can’t all come
through at once.”

“I’d rather them not break through at all,” James said quietly, wand gripped tightly in his
hand.

Another loud noise sounded, and Regulus watched as a small point outside the grounds
broke. Suddenly, Death Eaters were pouring through, and the fight started up instantly as
those stationed outside began to duel the incoming forces.

“Come on,” Regulus urged, raising his own wand. They’d been stationed at the staircase on
the seventh floor, in between the Death Eaters and the room of requirement.

They passed more than a few Order members as they made their way higher up, ignoring
everyone else and focusing only on their own task. Regulus had told Dumbledore that the
Horcrux had been hidden here, and there was no doubt the Death Eaters would come looking
for it. They couldn’t discover that it was missing. If Voldemort learned that he was now
mortal, he’d retreat. There was no doubt by now that he’d discovered most of his other
Horcruxes were missing, but as far as Regulus knew, the Dark Lord still thought the diadem
safe.

The sound of chaos grew, and Regulus felt for a moment as if he existed outside of
everything else. The world was still, even as war raged around them. It took hours for the
fight to reach them, and Regulus felt useless, staying up here to wait while people died below
him. Everything moved as if in slow motion, and Regulus reached for James’s hands.
“Alright?” James whispered, his voice cutting through the fog.

“Stay this time,” Regulus requested, the words forcing themselves from his throat.

“Only if you do.”

“I will. Don’t let me go.”

“As long as you don’t let me go.”

“I don’t know how I would, anymore.”

“Good,” James squeezed his hand. “Me either.”

The stillness broke.

Three Death Eaters came barreling up the stairs, skidding to a stop in front of them. James
raised his wand while Regulus was already firing off his curses, not giving them any time to
catch their bearings.

Regulus let go of James’s hand.

“Regulus Black,” the masked figure hissed, and he recognized Lucius Malfoy’s drawling
voice.

“You’re supposed to be dead.”

“You know, you’re not the first person to say that to me.”

Regulus just barely dodged a killing curse as it flew past his ear. Lucius was a decent
opponent; his curses were quick and powerful, but unfortunately, he didn’t know when to quit
running his mouth.

“Guess you’re a blood-traitor just like your weak, disgusting brother. Running around with
that Lupin like the f—”

Regulus hit him square in the chest with a hex so powerful it threw him across the corridor,
his back hitting the wall hard.

“Don’t talk about my brother like that, you piece of absolute shit,” Regulus said, advancing.

Lucius weakly raised his wand and Regulus carelessly disarmed him before casting a rough
Stupefy. He fell unconscious instantly and Regulus wished he could do worse, but honestly,
he still liked Cissa quite a bit and he didn’t want to leave her son fatherless, regardless of the
kind of person he was.

Before Regulus could even step back, there was an arm around his neck and a wand pressed
to his throat, and his own wand fell to the ground at his feet.

James shouted in alarm from the corner, but the other Death Eater had disarmed both him and
Pandora, and they were helpless to do anything with a wand pointed at them.

“The Dark Lord seeks an artifact, you know where it is?” the Death Eater with his arm
around Regulus’s throat asked.

“Mulciber,” Regulus sighed, recognizing him.“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. I don’t trust you, Black. The Dark Lord will be very interested to learn that you
still live. Do you have it?”

“I don’t know. You’re being a little vague on what it is,” Regulus scoffed.

Mulciber’s hold tightened, cutting off his air supply and making him gasp.

“A diadem,” he hissed.

“Ha-haven’t seen… anything like i-it,” Regulus spluttered out, gasping for air.

“Let go of him,” James demanded, his eyes hard.

“Make me,” Mulciber laughed. “Oh wait – you can’t. You’re helpless, and I can do whatever
I want to him. In fact, I think I’ll kill Black. Surely the Dark Lord won’t mind. I’ll be ridding
the world of another blood-traitor, two actually because you’ll be next Potter, after you watch
him bleed—”

Regulus’s fingers, which had slowly been creeping towards his sleeve, gripped the object
concealed there. Mulciber didn’t get a chance to finish as Regulus drove the knife into his
gut.

“Wandless,” Regulus corrected, his voice hoarse as Mulciber stumbled back, blood spurting
from his abdomen, “not helpless.”

The other Death Eater didn’t have time to react before Regulus was picking his wand up and
cursing him violently.

Everything was still once more, the only sound Mulciber’s coughing as he choked on his own
blood, falling to the ground.
“Your cousin probably regrets teaching you to use a knife now,” Pandora noted, smiling
fondly.

Regulus plucked James and Pandora’s wands from the unconscious Death Eater’s lax grip.
He handed James his first, and then Pandora stepped forward, reaching out, her pale hand
right there.

Then the world was on fire.

The noise was so loud it was almost like there was no noise at all. Regulus was falling. There
was a scream as the corridor shook, a hand on his wrist, the grip so tight it hurt. His feet
weren’t on the ground anymore. Where was the floor? A second ago, he’d been standing on
the stone floor, and now his feet were dangling in the air. He was dizzy. Regulus could see
blackness below him, just making out the shape of the ground. The hand was pulling Regulus
away, but he tried to struggle against it. No, no, Pandora was here. Where was Pandora?

“Regulus!”

It was James, his voice strained, his hand around Regulus’s wrist. Regulus needed to get back
to him. He pushed up, feet finding a hold. He was dangling over the edge of a jagged cliff…
no, no, it was the castle, he’d been standing in the castle a second ago. Regulus pushed,
James pulled and Regulus was rising. James was sobbing as Regulus struggled, scrambling
over the edge. When he made it back onto solid ground, the force with which James had been
pulling sent them both falling backwards. James’s head hit the ground with a bang, but he
didn’t even seem to care, arms holding onto Regulus as if he were afraid he might fall again
if he let go.

Regulus coughed in the dusty air, throat still tight from where Mulciber had choked him what
had to be only minutes before but felt like years.

“Where’s Pandora?” Regulus choked out.

James pulled back, grabbing at Regulus as he tried to stand. “Regulus, Regulus, I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” Regulus scrambled to his feet and James followed, dust covering his face. There
was a large gash across his cheek which was bleeding down his neck. James’s glasses were
cracked again, and his face was wet with tears.

“Regulus!” James grabbed him before he could step back, because where the rest of the
corridor should have been, there was nothing but a gaping hole.

A moment ago, he’d stood next to James not far from where he stood now. Pandora had stood
next to the Death Eaters, only a few feet away. A few feet away where there was now, no
Death Eaters, no floor, and no Pandora.

“Where’s Pandora?” Regulus repeated.

“She fell,” James whispered, his eyes haunted.

“No,” Regulus hissed.

“Yes,” James choked out, his mouth tight as he held back more tears.

“No, she was right here, James, she was here!”

“I know, I know you tried to grab her, but you fell. I just barely caught your arm before you
went as well. Regulus, she’s gone.”

“She’s not gone! We were going to buy houses nearby each other; she was going to have her
daughter join our quidditch team! She’s not gone, she just got me back, she said she was
going to stay!”
 James was pulling Regulus in, and he didn’t even realize he was sobbing until his face was
pressed into James’s chest and he realized it was wet. “She was going to stay!” Regulus
couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t go on. Pandora was gone, and it was his fault. She’d stayed for
him.

James didn’t say a word, just held him tightly with shaking hands. They didn’t move, not
even when a booming voice filled the entire castle.

“YOU’VE SEEN MY DESTRUCTION,” Voldemort’s voice hissed, chilling and cruel. “YOU
WILL NOT WIN. I AM PREPARED TO BE MERCIFUL. I DON’T WANT TO SPILL
MAGICAL BLOOD. THERE’S SO MUCH TALENT AND POTENTIAL, IT’D BE A SHAME
TO SEE IT WASTED. I WILL SPARE YOU ALL, THE ONLY THING I ASK IS THAT THE
PERSON WHO SET OUT TO DESTROY MY BELONGINGS TURNS THEMSELVES IN TO
ME. I WILL BE WAITING IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST. YOU MUST COME ALONE. I
WILL GIVE YOU THREE HOURS TO MAKE YOUR DECISION. SEE MY MERCY. MOURN
YOUR DEAD AND KNOW THAT THIS IS ONLY A PORTION OF WHAT I CAN DO. IN A
MERE TWO HOURS, I BROUGHT DESTRUCTION. YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING
BEFORE THE SUN HAS EVEN RISEN... ONE LIFE FOR ALL OF YOURS. THE DECISION
SHOULD BE SIMPLE.”

Over the horizon, through the gaping hole in the side of the castle that had claimed the last of
Regulus’s childhood friends, he saw the first glimpse of the rising sun and knew what had to
be done.

Chapter End Notes

For those of you worried about deaths... sorry. Never fear though because main character
death is not on the agenda.

(In my opinion) Pandora's is the hardest death in this fic. I love her so much and they
were all making plans and she and reg just reconnected, they were the only two left!!
Now Regulus is alone!! No more school friends they're all dead... sorry Reg.

Anyway, I hope you liked the cute jegulus moments because it's straight downhill from
this point forward. I feel like every few weeks I say shit is about to go down but FR FR
THIS TIME it goes down and doesn't stop from here so prepare.
A few people have wondered about the future of this fic and I will say that the end of the
war is not the end of the fic. This has never really been an action story anyway, it's
always been more about the character's relationships and struggles, and unfortunately,
they do just keep struggling, don't they?? I think of anti-here as almost a study of war,
trauma, and its effects which definitely need to be explored in the aftermath.

See you next Friday babes <3

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Sirius was trying to prepare himself for the fact that James and Regulus were dead. He didn’t
know that they were dead, but he didn’t know they weren’t.

In the quiet that followed Voldemort’s announcement and the Death Eaters’ temporary
retreat, people had slowly begun to stumble back into the Great Hall. Bodies were collected,
one by one laid out on the floor. Sirius checked each one. He raised his head every time
another person walked through the door, but time kept passing, the sun kept rising higher, and
none of them were James or Regulus.

“They’d want that, I think,” Sirius said quietly as Remus sat down next to him.

“What?” Remus whispered, reaching out for Sirius’s hand.

“James and Regulus, they’d want to die together.”

“We don’t know they’re dead.”

“Then where are they?”

Remus didn’t have a response to that. They sat in silence for a long while, just watching Lily
in the corner with Madam Pomfrey, darting around as they worked to heal the injured.

Once, Sirius thought he would never have anyone aside from Regulus. He remembered being
ten, life stretching out in front of him. A dark winding path masked by shadows and
uncertainty. Sirius imagined either walking it alone or with Regulus. There was no one else,
nothing else. Even at ten, he was certain his descent into the abyss was inevitable. He’d seen
what happened to a Black, whether you became what you were supposed to or not.

He’d watched Bellatrix, the sister who wanted everything a Black should. Glory, violence,
blood supremacy. She held the family values so tight to her chest that they bled into her heart,
poisoning her down to the blood that ran through her veins. Funnily enough, Bella was the
only member of the youngest Black generation who truly believed in the family values. She
was also wholly insignificant. She would never be the heir, she’d never get to keep the Black
name. Bellatrix was destined to be married off, her madness left to taint another family. Bella
Black became Bellatrix Lestrange, and he saw her punished for being exactly what everyone
wanted Sirius to be.

His parents had tried to take his wildness and mold it into darkness. Sometimes, when it was
late and there was nothing to save him from his own mind, Sirius wondered if in another life
it might have worked. If the capacity for it was inside him somewhere.

However, in this life, Sirius had stepped into a compartment with James Potter and Peter
Pettigrew at eleven years old. From the exact moment that James smiled, with messy hair and
bright eyes behind his glasses, Walburga Black’s fingers had loosened on the back of his
neck.

“I’m James, this is Pete.” James had said easily even though Sirius learned later he’d already
known Sirius was a Black. Everyone knew the Blacks were cold, rotten people, even eleven-
year-olds. It hadn’t mattered to James what people said. Even as Peter’s eyes widened in
uncertainty when Sirius introduced himself, James hadn’t done anything but smile.

“My parents taught me to give everyone at least one chance,” James would tell Sirius years
later. Sirius hadn’t understood the importance of that at the time, just what it meant for his
character. That was James. He gave chances and love without a second thought. He’d given it
to Sirius, and eventually Regulus, too.

For all the certainty Sirius had felt about his future before he walked onto the train that day,
he’d been very, very wrong. His world was flipped upside down. Sirius was forced to
reexamine everything he thought he knew, and before he knew it, he didn’t even recognize
his life anymore. He never understood why that had stung, Sirius hadn’t even wanted that
life, he’d seen what happened to the Blacks.
He’d watched kind, sweet little Regulus turn hard and cold. Seen the pink bleed from his
cheeks and tension harden his shoulders and jaw. Sirius had watched from the sidelines as
Andromeda was forced out, stood in the doorway as her name was burnt from the tapestry
while Narcissa cried and Bella scolded her for it. He’d seen Narcissa dim, condemned to a
life as a puppet, an accessory for the Malfoy family.

Sirius had learned to imagine a life without Regulus. He couldn’t do it again, he couldn’t
mourn his brother. He’d never learned how, and he wasn’t about to start. He couldn’t fathom
how he could wake up in the morning if James and Regulus were dead. They were his family,
two of the most important people in his life.

Remus reached out, nudging him gently “Alright?”

Sirius blinked, the Great Hall sharpening back into focus around him. He was about to speak
but just then, the door opened.

It took him a moment, after looking up so many times and not seeing who he was looking for.
He jumped up, pulling at Remus’s hand as James and Regulus walked through the door.
James was limping, and his face was bleeding. He had an arm around Regulus as they
stumbled into the Great Hall. There was a large purple bruise around Regulus’s throat, and
his eyes were empty. Sirius knew instantly that something had happened.

Remus was right behind him as Sirius rushed to them, needing to touch them both
immediately to be sure they were really there.

“Where’s Pandora?” Remus whispered as they all stopped together in the middle of the Hall.

“Dead,” Regulus said, his voice hollow.

No one said anything more after that. There was nothing to say.
Pandora is dead. Pandora is dead, and she had a daughter at home who is now motherless.
Pandora is dead, and any one of them is likely to be next.

Lily broke the silence, placing a hand on James’s arm.

“Can you help me with the injured?” He'd helped her often in the past, working as her
assistant during Order missions. Pandora is dead, but none of them said anything more about
it.

James nodded, squeezing Regulus’s hand before he was whisked away.

The rest of them didn’t move from their silence, simply turning and sitting down again.
Regulus’s head fell onto Sirius’s shoulder, and together, they breathed. Remus sat on
Regulus’s other side, a grounding presence.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, and he wasn’t really sure what he was apologizing for. Pandora,
everything, anything…

“Me too,” Regulus whispered. That seemed to be the only thing he was capable of saying, so
they sat in silence once more.

--

Regulus didn’t say I love you when Sirius got up, having been called over to help with a
body. Remus followed, of course, leaving Regulus alone with a squeeze on the shoulder. Two
hours and thirty minutes since Voldemort’s announcement.

James was across the room assisting Lily.

Regulus stood. Nobody noticed. For once, there wasn’t a single eye on him.
Regulus didn’t say goodbye to James. He’s said enough to last a lifetime, broken enough
promises. Maybe not much has changed since he was fifteen, maybe he was still a coward.
Once again, Regulus found he couldn’t watch. He swallowed hard against the memory of
James turning his back, the trees of the Forbidden Forest boxing him in. He remembered
closing his eyes, the feeling on his tongue that he’d hoped to never feel again. Regulus felt it
now.

Standing on the edge of a precipice, about to drop, knowing he was about to lose everything.

The difference, Regulus thought, as he took one step and then another, leading him out of the
Great Hall, is that this time he really did want to live.

He would make the sacrifice so nobody else had to. He understood Remus well now, why he
would give so much up when he had everything to lose. Regulus would give anything if it
meant the people he loved were safe.

He knew even as he stepped onto the grounds, painted by the early morning light, that it’d
only be a matter of minutes before somebody noticed he was gone. James, Remus, Sirius,
Lily, they’d know instantly where he’d gone, kick themselves for not realizing sooner.
Somewhere along the line, he’d found a lot more than he’d bargained for.

So, Regulus Black walked to his death. Very differently from how he did at eighteen. Not
blanketed by the cover of night, not with a note or a single goodbye, not with the knowledge
that he had nothing and no one to live for.

Regulus mourned the life he wouldn’t get to have, the house, the kids. Learning how to exist
with James Potter, living next door to his brother, Remus, and Lily. It was a lovely little
dream, and for a moment there, Regulus had really believed it. But no, he had never been so
lucky. Maybe, from the second he was born, his little thread of fate was intrinsically tangled
up in Sirius’s own thread and later, in James’s. Maybe Regulus’s thread was rotten at the end,
turning from bright red to blackened ash. Maybe Regulus Black was born to die.

He dug into his pocket as he reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest, thick trees blocking
out the sunlight above. There, in the palm of Regulus’s hand glittered his star ring. James
hadn’t even noticed Regulus take it.

Carefully, Regulus pulled it off the chain and slipped it onto his finger. A part of him hoped it
would take James a long time to realize it was gone so that he might have peace for a little
while longer.

The walk through the Forbidden Forest was quiet, but it wasn’t long. No, it wasn’t long at all
until suddenly he was face-to-face with Narcissa. They stared at each other for a long
moment. Regulus could feel the silence of the vast forest in his lungs. She didn’t move, and
Regulus knew she was giving him the chance to turn away. He didn’t, and so she started
forward slowly, disarming him and binding his hands behind his back. As she marched him
towards the clearing, he felt her slip something into his back pocket, but before he had the
chance to figure out what it was, she was pushing him forward.

Narcissa didn’t have to say a word as Bellatrix cackled gleefully at his appearance.

“Regulus Black, you look quite good for a dead man!”

Everyone froze. Death Eaters stopped in their tracks, looking to one another in surprise.
Some wore masks, while others were bare-faced. Clearly, they felt they’d already won. Why
hide their identity when there was no one to hide from?

Severus Snape was at Voldemort’s shoulder as the Dark Lord cocked his head like a predator
watching his prey. Regulus couldn’t help but think that Snape’s shock looked a little too
forced as his eyes flitted calculatingly over Regulus. Huh. Had he known?

“What do we have here?” Voldemort rose, his skin paler than when Regulus had last seen
him, his eyes redder and face more snake-like. But still, Regulus could see the man
underneath. He took comfort in that; Voldemort was mortal after all. All Regulus needed to
do was get him out of the forest and into the fight, then someone could kill him and all of this
would be over. Regulus wished he could just do it right then, but his knife was gone and
Narcissa had his wand. Even if she didn’t, Regulus never would have been able to make a
move before he was dead.
“I’m who you wanted,” Regulus said, his voice steady as he spoke. He refused to cower or
shake in his last moments.

“You were one of mine.”

“I was,” Regulus smiled. “You borrowed my house elf to go to your little cave. I didn’t like
how you treated him.”

Voldemort looked down at him cruelly, as if Regulus were nothing, just an insignificant
speck. Ah, so he really didn’t know Regulus had already destroyed all the Horcruxes.
Otherwise, he might have regarded him with a little more attention.

“Do you have the diadem?”

“No, it’s in the Room of Requirement.”

“Hm, you didn’t remove it?”

“I tried. The first time, I was ambushed by Death Eaters, and the second, somebody blew up
half of the seventh floor.”

Voldemort turned. “Severus, what do you think? Is he telling the truth?”

Voldemort could have easily sorted through Regulus’s mind himself, but it seemed all these
years of success had made him cocky. He didn’t want to do the dirty work anymore, he
wanted to show his power by forcing other people to do it.

Snape stepped forward, his dark eyes glinting in the dim light of the forest. He hadn’t
changed much from school, with the same dark eyes, strong nose, and greasy hair. Regulus
had never liked Severus Snape. Sirius and his friends had put far too much effort into
taunting him, but Regulus simply didn’t care to associate with him and that was enough. He’d
never been able to fully get a read on the man, and it made him uncomfortable. It was clear
Snape was smart, but Regulus never knew what he was in it for. Regulus vaguely
remembered him being obsessively in love with Lily in school, but what kind of person
turned to Voldemort when their best friend was a muggleborn?

Snape raised his wand, the same strange look on his face from earlier, as if he were seeing
right through Regulus.

Regulus tried to brace himself for the first prod of another person in his mind, but nothing
prepared him for the sheer terror that consumed him at the first hint of the feeling.

Suddenly Regulus was twelve again, Sirius begging, hands shaking as he stood between
Regulus and their mother.

“Please, please, he didn’t do it, I broke the sculpture. I was messing around and I wasn’t
looking where I was going, it’s my fault. I’m the one who started the roughhousing.”

“Roughhousing,” Walburga repeated with disdain, “is for muggles and filth, not the two men
who will carry on the Black legacy. ”

Regulus tried to push the foreign presence out, he could taste the blood in the back of his
throat, and hear the tremor in a thirteen-year-old Sirius’s voice.

“I know,” Sirius agreed meekly. The only time he didn’t antagonize their parents was when it
was for Regulus’s sake.

“Do you think I don’t know you two?” Their mother asked, stepping closer, the lines of her
cruel face coming into sharper focus. “At least Regulus is not a disappointment or stain on
this family, but he is not much better than you, is he, Sirius? I don’t know why you find him so
special and go to such great lengths to take punishments for him. If I can’t trust either of you
to tell the truth then I’ll just have to find it myself.”
Sirius stiffened, clearly waiting for the nauseating prod of another person in his mind, but
their mother looked past him to Regulus.

“No,” Sirius said instantly, and Regulus tried not to shrink back under the weight of their
mother’s gaze, but he was only twelve and hadn’t figured out how.

“Regulus, come.”

Regulus did as he was told, he always did.

“Don’t fight, it’ll make it worse,” Sirius whispered barely louder than a breath as Regulus
passed him. Regulus thought that was strange because Sirius always fought it.

Regulus decided he’d fight too. But he didn’t. As soon as his mother began to force her way
into his mind, the intensity and pain were too much. Regulus was scared and Sirius was
standing behind their mother, eyes wide in fear but assuring. Sirius always knew what to do,
so Regulus didn’t try to stop it, he didn’t try to build any of the walls Bella had taught him
about.

He didn’t fight. Regulus never fought.

“Don’t fight it,” Sirius’s voice echoed in the back of his mind. But no, no, no.

Regulus wasn’t twelve, and his mother was dead. It was Snape trying to force his way into
Regulus’s head, his presence harsh and unfamiliar.

Regulus never fought, but he wanted to fight, just this once.

“More… angry grief,” James had said when Regulus asked if he still hated him, he hoped
that hatred wouldn’t return.
Regulus remembered that one moment of peace in the bathroom. The first time he and James
had been able to exist together since Regulus had returned. He needed to fight, but Snape was
pushing, and somewhere Sirius was screaming, his mother was scoffing, James was telling
Regulus over and over again that he wished Regulus was dead. Somewhere, seeping through
the cracks, Regulus was still in that cave, still drowning, water trapped in his lungs. Regulus
was still in that cellar, high out of his mind, maybe he’d never gotten out. Maybe none of this
was real. Maybe he had died in that cave and this was Hell.

Regulus cracked.

A wall of memories filtered through Regulus’s mind: the cave, waking up on the shore. Years
spent in Italy, the summer breeze, Remus walking in for the first time. Sirius hugging him,
Lily’s bright smile as she handed him a book. James’s eyes filled with anger, then something
else, something soft and fond. Their teenage selves giggling as they snuck into the Room of
Requirement. Regulus burning the diadem alone, anger rushing through his veins at James
being taken from him. Then all the others were there too, every Horcrux he’d destroyed with
Remus at his shoulder, together through all of it.

Regulus gasped as Snape pulled back. A million different memories in his head, he tried to
push them back and get his bearings, the shattered pieces of his life in his hands.

“He’s telling the truth.”

What?

He wasn’t. Regulus was lying, Snape knew he was lying, he’d seen everything. Seen Regulus
destroy every single Horcrux. He knew Voldemort was mortal. Yet, Snape simply turned, his
face blank, eyes catching on Regulus’s for only a moment before he was stepping back to
stand behind his master again.

Why would Snape lie? Was it for Lily, who he’d seen in Regulus’s memories? Or was he
already working against Voldemort?
 “Good.” Voldemort looked delighted. It seemed wrong on his face, like a man so twisted
shouldn’t be able to smile, even as cruel as it looked. “Then for your troubles, I’ll make your
death quick. I have my Death Eaters in the castle as we speak, and they have my diadem.
You’ve lost.”

Regulus thought of his last task before he left the castle, the decoy diadem he’d left exactly
where he and James had found the real one. Regulus stopped himself from smiling. No,
actually, he’d won.

As Voldemort raised his wand, Regulus wondered if he should have felt honored that the
Dark Lord chose to kill Regulus himself.

He reached into his pocket, finger closing around the object Narcissa had given him. It was a
ring, he realized, slipping it on next to the one he’d given James. The Black ring that Regulus
had given Cissa in exchange for information what felt like a lifetime ago. Well, its
enchantments couldn’t protect him from a killing curse, but really, it was a nice thought. He
pressed his fingers over the two rings on his fingers, forcing himself not to flinch at the flash
of green light.

The last thing he thought, as the sun filtered in through the trees above, was that yesterday
had been Monday, and now the sun had risen.

Regulus Black died on a Tuesday in 1983.

Chapter End Notes

Hello!

I worked very hard on this chapter so I hope you all enjoy it! thanks as always to all the
people I've seen mentioning this fic on tiktok and twitter I love y'all <3 Sorry I didn't get
to reply to everyone's comments, however, I did read and cherish each and every one. If
you really want to talk to me please send me an ask or message me on tumblr or twitter
and I'll definitely get back to you! (And follow my tiktok where I talk about this fic the
most)
A little update! I now have a wonderful beta helping me with this fic @pastelanxiete so
if you notice an increased quality that's because I now have help which is life changing!

As always, I remind you there is no MCD tag :) AND a reminder (also for all new
readers) I update every Friday.

Until next week! Bye babes.

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Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Six: THE FALL OF VOLDEMORT PT. 1
Chapter Notes

This is a two part chapter! BOTH ARE UP NOW!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

The Fall of Voldemort:

Part 1

It took James approximately twenty-eight minutes to realize the ring was gone.

He knew, as soon as he reached up to his neck and found nothing there, what Regulus had
done.

It took five minutes for James to search every inch of the room and come to the conclusion
that Regulus wasn’t there. It took ten more minutes for James to find Sirius and Remus, and
another minute for James to force the words out of his mouth. Because how was he supposed
to tell Sirius that after everything, his brother was most likely dead? In the end, the only thing
he ended up saying was:

“Regulus… gone.”

That was enough. James reached up to his neck where there was no ring, and Sirius’s gaze
followed his hand. He crumbled.

“No.”
Sirius went down and Remus followed, arms wrapping around him. Remus cried, but Sirius
didn’t. He just stared like the world had fallen to pieces and he was trying to figure out how it
was once whole.

James stood there. Just stood there, unable to think past the fact that Regulus was gone.
Unable to imagine living after this moment. He couldn’t grieve Regulus again, he couldn’t
lose him. Not after he’d already done it. Not when it’d almost killed him.

How had he not realized that Regulus had left? How had it not occurred to him exactly what
Regulus would do? He had never thought highly enough of himself, always willing to act the
sacrifice for everyone else. Regulus shouldered the burdens on his own, but just this once,
James had naively thought they were in it together. They had a plan, a future. Was James an
idiot for believing Regulus wanted that too, that he’d fight for it?

“I don’t understand,” James whispered numbly. Then there was a small hand on his elbow
and he turned his head to look into Lily’s bright eyes, the spitting image of their son’s.

“James…” she whispered, and he just shook his head.

“No, no. I don’t understand, Lily, why? Why would he do this, he doesn’t need to! We’ve
almost won, we’re so close.”

“We’re not,” Lily shook her head. There was dirt smudged on her face, and her hair was
stuck to her forehead with sweat. “If Voldemort finds out all the Horcruxes are destroyed,
he’ll retreat, make more, and then we’ll be fucked.” James blinked, the ache in his chest
tightening. Lily didn’t curse as much anymore, and it was strange to hear. When they were
kids, she always had the mouth of a sailor, but when Harry’s first word was ‘fuck’ she had
quickly banned all cursing in the household. “He did it to spare us, James…”

James’s brow furrowed as he looked at her, trying to sift through the millions of images
flashing through his mind. The ache of Regulus leaving, the soft glimmer of hope which was
quickly fading, the warmth of the feeling he used to get when looking at Lily Evans. He’d
wanted her so badly, more than anything, and she’d never even looked at him.
Now she was looking, every part of her blazing gaze focused on him.

James didn’t feel the bitterness he used to, the resentment and anger that bubbled behind his
smile. The furious prayers he used to send to his ceiling at night, why, why why? Why
couldn’t he love her like he’d loved Regulus, why couldn’t he forget the younger Black
brother, why couldn’t he remember how to breathe?

He didn’t feel the rush of euphoria Lily Evans’s attention used to bring him as a child either.
Instead, James looked at her and he felt almost the same as he did with Sirius and Remus,
like a little slice of home. Lily was one of the best people James had ever known, he loved
her intensely. Beyond being his best friend, she was family. They had a son together, they
were bonded for life. He found peace in the fire of her gaze as he realized the bitterness was
gone. They’d both fully become comfortable in their relationship and what they now
understood it couldn’t be.

Everything felt a little surreal as James considered how much he’d grown over the past few
years and how much it probably didn’t matter anymore.

Regulus had left. He’d turned his back on James yet again. At least the first time, Regulus
had been very clear that none of it was real: there would be no house, no kids or pets. But this
time, he’d agreed. He made a promise and then broke it. That felt far worse than mourning a
future they were never going to have because this time, James had really believed it would
happen.

Curse his optimism.

He remembered Lily only weeks before everything began, asking what happened to him. He
used to be an optimist, she’d pointed out. It’d been a long time since James had been that
person, but somehow he’d found the edges of his past self in Regulus. Now he was afraid
he’d never find it again.

James didn’t want to exist past that moment. But he did.

There was the sound of a commotion; no time to grieve, no time to cry. Sirius was standing,
still not a single tear on his face. Remus wiped his away, and the three of them stepped out of
the castle and onto the grounds together.

James continued to exist. It hurt.

There were approximately forty-five minutes from the moment Regulus stepped out of the
Great Hall, to the moment Voldemort stood in front of the great steps leading up to Hogwarts’
front door.

“You’ve been given the chance to be spared!” Voldemort called to the gathered crowd, the
remaining numbers so small compared to the Death Eaters that stood behind him. “I’m a man
true to my word. You’ve lost. I am willing to let you all live as long as you submit. Fight and
you will be killed. Either way, I will take Hogwarts tonight.”

“Is that so?” Dumbledore stepped forward, a fierce sight despite the fact that his robes were
singed and he looked a little worse for wear.

“You’ve lost, old man,” Voldemort declared. “Don’t fight it, even your power cannot save all
of these people. I’ve killed your little servant; you failed your mission.”

James’s heart would have stopped beating in his chest, if it had been beating at all since the
moment he realized the ring was gone. Regulus was dead.

Regulus was dead.

Pandora was dead. Dorcas, Marlene, Mary, Alice, Frank, his parents… all dead. They’d lost a
long time ago and James wasn’t sure how he’d managed to convince himself otherwise.

“You mean Regulus Black?” Dumbledore shook his head. “I can take no credit for his
mission, Regulus was not part of my Order.”
“Really?” Voldemort sneered. “You’re losing your grip.”

Voldemort’s face was unnaturally white in the sunlight of the new day and distantly, James
couldn’t help but think that he looked wrong standing there under the large sky. In his head,
Voldemort only existed in darkness and closed-off rooms.

James blinked against the brightness of the day, but it didn’t remove the image seared into the
back of his eyelids. Regulus, young, eyes wide, hair falling slightly from the stiff way he
used to style it.

“People have met him,” Regulus had said, “the Dark Lord… do you think he seems like a
person, or would he be more monster than human?”

James just laughed, reaching out to poke Regulus on the cheek, infatuated by the thirst for
knowledge and a burning curiosity underneath his cold demeanor. Sometimes he still couldn’t
believe that under it all, Regulus Black had so much softness, and James of all people was
the one who got to see it.

James tugged at a curl falling in Regulus’s face, and the other boy swatted his hand away.

“Jamie, seriously answer my question.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know Reg. I reckon someone like that is more of a monster. I mean to do the
things he’s done… he has to be. No normal human could do that. Let’s hope we never find
out, yeah?”

Regulus had just nodded, clearly dissatisfied with the answer, something flickering in his
gaze. He’d probably already known that one day he would have to find out.
Now, James knew he’d been wrong. Voldemort was just a human, he was just a man with far
too much power. For all of their fear of monsters, dragons, and figures that lurked out in the
forests, it was what they did to one another that was scariest. Human violence killed far more
people than dragons.

“On the contrary,” Dumbledore said calmly. “I think it’s a reminder that no matter how
powerful you are, there is always someone younger, someone more powerful. You get
comfortable thinking you’re in control, you’re pulling the strings, and then someone rips it
out from under you…” Dumbledore paused, eyes flicking over Voldemort’s face as if he were
seeing someone that wasn’t there. James wondered if Dumbledore remembered who
Voldemort used to be before he was warped beyond recognition. “You, Tom, were that person
for me. You showed me that I wasn’t all I believed myself to be, you humbled me. Then
comes along young Regulus Black, and it happens again. I thought I was the one leading the
effort against you. I thought it was my duty to make sure your Horcruxes were destroyed.
Two young men turned their backs on me and did what I could never do. They found your
Horcruxes and destroyed them.”

“Some of them, possibly,” Voldemort said coldly. “But not enough. I am still invincible, and
you will die tonight. I will simply make more, the price is nothing to me.”

“Maybe. Yet, it’s still a price.”

“Say what you want, your time is up. This war ends tonight. I declare my victory.” Voldemort
smiled, his white face stretching into something that felt far too unnerving, and James felt the
chill of it down to his bones.

Maybe he didn’t have to worry about existing past Regulus after all. James Potter would
never submit.

When Pandora was young, she felt she’d never be known and accepted.

She was strange, she knew that. Especially when surrounded by her family and peers, they
looked down on her with contempt. The day she met Regulus Black, it was much the same.
He wasn’t any different than the pure-blood peers she’d grown up with. Cold, haughty, bred
to perfection.

He hadn’t even spared her a second glance.

They weren’t fast friends. He didn’t like her, and she didn’t care for his snobbish attitude. She
didn’t come to Hogwarts, away from the constraints of home to make friends with more full-
of-themselves rich kids.

It wasn’t until halfway through her first year that they even spoke. It was entirely by accident.
She’d ducked into her favorite reading alcove only to find someone else already there.
Regulus Black, knees tucked to his chest, face wet with tears. Now, Pandora hadn’t much
liked him, but she wasn’t about to simply ignore someone who was clearly upset.

“Are you okay?” She’d asked, and Regulus had jumped, quickly trying to wipe away his
tears as if Pandora couldn’t see the tell-tale redness of his eyes.

“I’m fine, leave me alone,” Regulus had snapped.

Pandora hadn’t moved, making a split-second decision that had changed her entire life. She’d
sat next to him instead.

“You can tell me what’s wrong. I won’t say anything. Sometimes I cry here, too.”

“Why?” Regulus asked, seemingly unable to stop the question from making it past his lips.
He was only eleven and hadn’t quite gotten to a place where he could mask himself
completely yet.

“Oh, well people aren’t always so nice to me,” Pandora admitted with a shrug.

“How come?”
“I suppose they think I’m strange.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Why are you crying? People aren’t mean to you
too, are they?” She asked, sitting down next to him and mimicking his pose with her knees to
her chest.

“Not exactly.”

He seemed hesitant to elaborate, and Pandora just smiled softly.

“You can tell me if you’d like, I won’t tell anyone else. I don’t have any friends or people to
tell anyway.”

“I don’t really have friends either,” Regulus said quickly, his cheeks flushing with shame.

“Then we can be friends! I’ve never really had one before, but I’m pretty sure friends talk
about things.”

“I’ve never had one either. I might do it wrong.”

“That’s okay, we can make our own way of being friends,”

Regulus hesitated for a long moment before nodding.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I… I was crying because of my brother.”

“Your brother, he’s a Gryffindor, right?”

“Yes… I don’t think he loves me anymore,” Regulus whispered, his voice choked. “He has
new friends and a new life without me. He promised it was us together no matter what, but
now he has stupid, ugly James Potter as a new brother and he doesn’t need me at all.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though,” Pandora pointed out. “Not that I know him
or you, but family is strange, isn’t it?”

“Yes. I think he doesn’t want me though.”

“Okay,” was all Pandora had said in response and they’d sat together until curfew, side by
side.

After that, Regulus would have been hard-pressed to get rid of Pandora, though despite his
prickliness, he never actually tried.

There was always something sacred between them. They’d learned to be friends together.
Regulus never turned up his nose when Pandora went on hour-long rants about her newest
interests or the rare species she was studying. He didn’t even simply humor her, instead
actively listened. He was willing to give any of her theories a chance to be proven, even
while being so rooted in fact and rationality. They were special. Pandora and Regulus,
Regulus and Pandora, them against the Hogwarts student body. Eventually, they became
friends with Barty, Evan, and Dorcas as well, but it had been the two of them first.

When Regulus died, Pandora’s world stopped. It stuttered to a halt, and she’d simply stood
there for what felt like an eternity.

She’d known, she had always known. Pandora had been there to force sobering potions down
his throat, she’d paid a healer to treat him in secret the times he overdosed. She’d watched the
light bleed out of his eyes from the time he was sixteen, seen the rare glimpses of softness
beneath his glare fade into nothingness. She’d watched her friend become someone she didn’t
recognize. Dorcas had left, looking at what Regulus had become and turning away, unable to
stay any longer. She’d urged Pandora to do the same.

“Please?” She’d whispered, clutching her hand. “Come with me, join the Order. I know you
don’t believe in Voldemort, I know you want to fight.”

“I can’t leave Regulus. I will never fault you for doing it, Dorcas. I know how important the
Order is to you, how important Marlene is. I understand, but I’m not leaving him. He doesn’t
have anyone else.”

“He’s not a child, Pandora, he knows what he’s doing. He made his bed, and it’s not on you
or me that now he has to lie in it.”

“I know,” Pandora said frustratedly. She’d always known she was the only one who saw
through Regulus in that way, and she wished she could explain to her friend exactly what she
saw… but she couldn’t, and she didn’t think Regulus would want her to anyway. “But I’m
staying with him. I’m staying with him until I have no choice. I don’t expect you to get it or
even approve, Dorcas, but I need you to respect my choice, just as I’m respecting yours.”

“You’re throwing away your life for him,” Dorcas said fiercely. “I’ve loved Regulus – he’s
my friend and I wanted better from him, but he’s made his decision. Don’t give up your own
life for a Death Eater.”

“I’m not joining You-Know-Who, I’ll never be on his side. I don’t condone any of it, but I’m
not leaving him. No one has ever stayed, so I’m going to.”

“That’s not your responsibility.”

“I know, but no one had ever stayed for me either, until Regulus. It goes both ways. He’s kept
me safe. I love him, he’s my best friend, my first friend.
“Pandora…” Dorcas said helplessly. “I don’t want this for you. It’ll kill you both. I can’t save
Regulus but let me save you, please.”

“I don’t need saving,” Pandora said resolutely.

And that was that.

Pandora Lovegood was stubborn as hell when she put her mind to something. She knew what
she was getting into, and she knew the decision she was making, but she never regretted it.
Not once, not ever.

It was probably senseless, but no one had ever said Pandora was rational. She didn’t care. She
loved Regulus like he was a matching piece of her soul. It’d been them against the world
since the first time she caught him in her alcove, and that never wavered.

She loved him even when he was a terrible person, she loved him when he was overdosing on
her floor, and she loved him after she was dead. Pandora had lived alone in this love until
James Potter came to her door. He was the first person she’d seen who still had a bright and
shining love for Regulus Black despite everything he’d done.

She wished she’d been around to see what that might become. She wished she’d gotten a
chance to assure him once more that she didn’t regret it, before the floor had fallen out from
under her. Their fingers had almost touched, and then she was dead.

Truthfully, Pandora wasn’t even surprised.

She’d known, deep in her bones, that there wasn’t a single universe out there where Pandora
Lovegood lived to see her daughter grow up.

Pandora would always die, no matter where, no matter what. She’d always known, so if she
had to die, she’d want it to be for Regulus. She was glad it’d happened in the pursuit of
something good.
She was glad she had a chance to see him again.

She hadn’t been alone since the moment she stumbled across Regulus, and she never would
be again.

“Hey Pandora, you lived so much longer than I thought you would.”

“Have you seen Regulus?” Pandora raised her eyebrows.

“Hm, the fucker is still kicking,” Evan grinned. “Can’t believe that one either.”

Pandora sat down next to him, looking out across the shining valley in front of them. The sun
was bright in the sky, but the stars still shone, glinting off the white mountain tops. It was
quiet, the buzz of bugs and birds chirping in the distance the only noise aside from their even
breaths.

“Why are we breathing?”

Evan turned from the view, his golden eyes and hair glowing in the light “Habit, I suppose.
Don’t ask me, I don’t know how any of this works. I’m just here.”

“Where’s here?”

“Oh, come on Pandora, don’t tell me that you of all people don’t know that.”

“The beyond?”
“Call it whatever you want. You’re dead, I’m dead, and here we are.”

“Do you wish you weren’t dead?”

“I did, but I think I’ve made peace with it. I suppose I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.”

“I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.”

“You’re glad I’m dead?” Evan arched an eyebrow.

Pandora, not one to disregard honesty, looked to her friend seriously.

“I’m glad you didn’t become something worse. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I think it
would have killed me to see you go so far, to see you lose yourself in the way Barty did. I’m
glad you died at the beginning of the war.”

Evan didn’t seem offended, instead, he only shrugged, turning away from her to look out at
the mountains again.

“I’m glad. too. I hate what happened to Barty, I hate what he did in my name. I’m glad I
could still stomach myself when it was over. Not that I’m innocent or good or anything like
that, but I’m not a monster either. It could have been so much worse.”

“It could have,” Pandora murmured, knocking their shoulders together. She could envision
what might have happened to them if Evan had lived longer.

“Do you forgive me?” Evan asked.

“I don’t think I’m the one to be forgiving you.”

“But tell me anyway, do you?”

“Of course. We’re family in a way, aren’t we?”

“Still?”

“Always.”

He let out a sigh at that, something deep and heavy, like he’d been holding it in for a long
time. Pandora realized that forgiveness must have been important to him, something he’d
been waiting for. She rested her head on his shoulder and they looked up to the now-
darkening sky. The stars were clearer now, and Pandora sought out the same constellation she
always did.

“He’s close,” Evan said. following her gaze to Regulus’s star.

“How close?” She asked fearfully.

“Not close enough.”

“Good.”

“Yes,” Evan agreed.

“Really?” Pandora asked him softly. “Do you forgive Regulus?”

“I do. Barty thought I was insane for it, but I don’t really think my death was on him. I made
my decisions, just as he made his, you made yours, and Barty made his. I don’t blame you
and I don’t blame anyone else.” He paused. “Well except maybe Moody, since he’s the one
that fucking killed me. That aside though, we were all really just kids. Some of us deserved to
die, some of us didn’t… regardless we all ended up here eventually, didn’t we? I’m not a
good person, and in life that mattered, but it doesn’t here. Maybe some would see that as a
lack of justice, but the more time I spend here, the more I realize that things like justice are
made up by and for the living. They don’t matter here, we’re all dead, it’s all over. Revenge,
spite, bitterness. I don’t need them anymore. I have Barty back, I have Dorcas, and now
you… and one day Regulus will join us, too.”

“But not today?”

“Maybe.”

“You said he wasn’t close enough,” Pandora pointed out.

“Not yet,” Evan shrugged. “He could be.”

“How helpfully vague,” Pandora smiled lightly.

“Says you. Mrs. Pandora Lovegood.” Evan rolled his eyes. “I mean it’s up to him. We both
know that boy is terribly keen on death, so it really depends on how much he thinks he has to
live for.”

“I hope he lives.”

“Me too, but as I said, he’s survived far longer than I thought he would. Maybe this is it. If it
is, he’s done a lot of good. Not something I ever thought I’d say about Regulus Black, but he
was always better than most of us. At least better than Barty and I.”

“If he dies, I’ll forgive him.”

“Yes, well, I’ve found forgiveness is easier once you’re dead.” He stood suddenly,
clambering up and offering her a hand. The sun was setting behind the mountains, painting
everything in shades of warmth, Regulus’s star glinting in the sky brighter than any other.
“Come on.”

“Where are we going?” She asked, taking Evan’s hand and letting him haul her up.

“Forward,” he said simply.

Pandora only paused for a second, glancing behind her at the stars. She looked back one last
time, thinking of Luna somewhere safe and sound. Thinking of her husband who had loved
her so brightly and wholly, accepting every bit of strangeness without a second thought.
Thinking of Regulus who never really knew how to live but she hoped would learn, and of
her mother who used to sing her songs before bed every night. She wondered if she was here
somewhere, ready to sing for Pandora now.

Pandora turned, and with a squeeze of Evan’s hand, they stepped forward.

--

“Are you proud of me?”

Dorcas turned, her dark skin seeming to glow against the white of their surroundings.

“Proud may be overstating it.”

“That’s alright,” Regulus sighed. “I tried my best, did everything I could. I hope that I did at
least some good, even if it can’t undo the bad.”
“You can’t undo it. But you did far more than some good, you did a lot of good. You have no
idea how many people you brought hope to.”

“I think I may have failed.”

“Failed isn’t the word I’d use,” Dorcas said.

“I didn’t really want to die.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

Regulus paused to really look at her, considering the question as he took in his old friend’s
familiar face. She still looked young, only nineteen. Regulus was older than her now. The
thought stung.

“I don’t know if I ever really learned how to let myself live, but I wanted to try.”

“I think you’re lying to yourself Reg. If you wanted to live. you would have. You walked to
your death, and that’s on you.”

“I wanted to spare the people I love,” Regulus insisted. “Pandora is dead because of me.”

“Pandora is dead because she made her own choices that brought her here. Stop trying to
shoulder everyone’s decisions, they aren’t yours to carry.”

“I didn’t want to die,” Regulus said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

Dorcas just scoffed “Liar. Tell me you want to live.”

“I – I don’t not want to live.”

“That’s different than wanting to live. Why are you here? Tell me the truth, you owe me at
least that much.”

“I don’t know. It’s not that I actively wish I was dead… It just might be easier.”

“Is easier better?” Dorcas asked, cocking her head.

Regulus thought of James. Of how he’d said it’d be easier if Regulus was dead, yet… yet
he’d taken it back. Even if it were easier, he’d said he didn’t want that. James, who even
under all of the pain, still sometimes smiled like he was fifteen and the end wasn’t a given
yet. James, who still wanted Regulus after everything.

Regulus thought of Sirius. Of him being forced to lose his brother again. Sirius, who let
Regulus back in, who held him as if Regulus were his own even after all this time. He
thought of Remus, who had become such a huge part of his life that he couldn’t believe there
was a time when he had existed without his friendship. He thought of Lily, fiery and brilliant,
but always willing to give people a chance if she thought they’d earned it. Lily, who had no
reason to accept Regulus but had anyway. Who listened to Regulus talk about literature even
though she didn’t often read fiction. Lily, who never blamed Regulus, even when he deserved
it.

Why? Why did all of these people care so deeply for him? What had Regulus Black ever
done to deserve that? Surely nothing that made him worth dying for. Nothing that should
have made Pandora stay when she had a daughter waiting for her.

Regulus wasn’t like Sirius or James, he wasn’t bright, warm or easy to love. He wasn’t good
in the way Remus and Lily were. None of it came naturally to him. He’d had to try, he’d had
to give up everything, his family, his future his life… he had thrown it all away to do
something good. None of it had been easy, but still, Regulus had managed to love and be
loved by so many beautiful people.
“No. Easier isn’t always better. At least I don’t think so.”

Dorcas didn’t respond to that, simply stood and set off. Regulus quickly followed after her,
confused as to what the confession meant to her.

“Am I dead?” He asked.

She laughed at that.

“No, Regulus. Merlin, you’ve always been so dramatic. You’re not dead.”

“But you’re dead.”

“I am. The lines between life and death are thinner than one might think.”

“That sounds like a concept that could consume me for the rest of my life, if I do live.”

“You’ll live.”

“You sound so sure.”

Dorcas stopped, turning to look at him.

“I know you,” she said. “I’m sure.”

“So, I’ll have to leave you here?”

“Not here, but you’ll have to leave me. For now.”

“I’ll see you again,” Regulus said. “I was right when I talked to Lily about the afterlife,
wasn’t I?”

“Well, ‘right’ is relative, but we’re not separated forever.”

Regulus paused, thinking of those he’d loved and lost.

“Can you tell Mary that Lily loved her?”

Dorcas raised an eyebrow at that.

“No, but she knows…” She paused, looking him over. “And for the record, I am proud.”

“I’ve always thought of you,” Regulus admitted. “Through all of this, I hoped I was doing
something right by you.”

“I know,” she said softly, reaching out to pull at one of Regulus’s curls.

Regulus caught her hand as she let go, clasping it in his own. It felt so warm and so real that
he couldn’t possibly imagine this was a dream.

“Can you tell Pandora I’m sorry?”

“No,” Dorcas said once again. “Pandora doesn’t need any apologies. She doesn’t want them.”
“I’m still sorry.”

“I know.”

Regulus sighed, looking at his friend sadly, hoping he could ingrain the memory of her into
his brain. He took in the brightness of her skin, the glow in her eyes, every speck of gold and
brown in their dark depths.

“Is Marlene okay? You get to be with her?”

Dorcas had softened slightly during their conversation but at that, Regulus watched any
remaining defenses fall, her gaze so fond and quiet.

“Oh, Regulus, beautiful, wonderful Regulus,” she whispered sadly. “ Marlene is okay. We’re
good…” she paused again, watching him before taking a deep breath. “I always knew you
were good under everything. It’s why I hated you so much for becoming a Death Eater. I
wanted you to come with me so fucking badly. It devastated me that you wouldn’t… You
aren’t bad. In fact, I think being willing to do bad things for a good cause probably makes
you better than people who won’t sacrifice their morals for the greater good.”

“That sounds a little twisted.”

“Life is twisted. The further you get from it, the more you realize that. Nothing is as simple
as good and bad, black and white. I know it isn’t easy, but the fact that you did it anyway is
special.”

Regulus swallowed, averting his gaze.

“I have to go, don’t I?” He choked out.

 “Yes. I’ll see you again Regulus, a very long time from now.” She said, her eyes shining with
a tenderness Regulus never thought he’d see from her again.

“Bye, Cas,” Regulus whispered. The last thing he saw as the scene seemed to cave in around
him was the hint of her smile as she turned away.

Regulus opened his eyes.

Chapter End Notes

Saying once again so you don't miss it this is a two-part update this week, next chapter is
up now too!! Find my proper end notes in the next one ;)
 Chapter Twenty-Seven: THE FALL OF VOLDEMORT PT. 2
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The Fall of Voldemort:

Part 2

Everything was blindingly bright. Regulus blinked.

A patch of sunlight was shining through the trees above, right onto his face. With a pained
groan, Regulus sat up.

The clearing was empty, there wasn’t another person in sight. He didn’t know how long he’d
been unconscious, so Regulus stood quickly, afraid of how much time had passed. His wand
was sitting on the ground, discarded carelessly. They hadn’t even bothered to snap it. Regulus
almost laughed aloud at his luck.

Regulus Black was not a lucky person, but maybe he’d finally earned some.

He didn’t understand how he was alive. It didn’t make sense, but it wasn’t something he had
time to dwell on at the moment.

Regulus wasted no time, hurrying out of the Forbidden Forest and onto the Hogwarts
grounds. He could see a crowd gathered at the front steps, and he was careful to stay out of
sight as Voldemort’s voice became clearer.

“… time is up. The war ends tonight. I declare my victory.”

“Don’t say that so prematurely, Tom,” Dumbledore replied, calm as ever, as if the bloody
murderous Dark Lord were simply a student Dumbledore was lecturing

“Why shouldn’t I? I’ve won. You’ve known it for many years, even before I took Hogwarts.
This is the last place I didn’t control, and now it is mine, too. You couldn’t destroy my
Horcrux, you can’t destroy me.” Voldemort gestured to the diadem in Bellatrix’s hand,
glinting, clean and untouched, in the sun.

With all eyes fixed on the decoy diadem, Regulus whispered a counterspell, causing the
glamour to fall away. The object in Bellatrix’s grasp became nothing but an old iron crown,
dirty and tarnished.

There was a moment of shocked silence before whispers spread through the crowd, voices
filled with confusion as to what was happening.

“What is the meaning of this?” Voldemort hissed. “Where is the diadem?”

“That was it!” A Death Eater spoke up. “We found it in the hidden room, exactly where you
said it would be.”

And then, there it was, the last thing you’d expect to hear at the end of the world.

Laughter.

James Potter was laughing.

Voldemort turned on James instantly.

“Was it you who put it there, some clever trick? You think you can best me?” He hissed.
James just straightened, smiling.

“It wasn’t me, but frankly, it’s to be expected. You didn’t win. He did.”

“Who?” Voldemort hissed.

“Regulus.”

The Dark Lord laughed harshly in response.

“He’s dead, and you seem keen to follow. That can be arranged.”

Voldemort raised his wand, and James did as well. Eyes set in determination, James
practically glowed in the sunlight, so bright and distinctly human. He was such a sharp
contrast to every bit of Voldemort, which was wrong and unnatural.

Voldemort glanced down at James’s raised wand.

“I know who you are. You’re a Potter. Useless, soft… you’re not a killer.”

“Maybe not, but I am.”

James’s eyes widened, his mouth falling open in shock. Voldemort spun, and Regulus wanted
to laugh at his surprise.

“You,” Voldemort hissed, meeting Regulus’s eyes.

Regulus just raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, yes, me. A word of advice: next time you kill someone, check for a pulse. You’ve
gotten cocky. You couldn’t fathom that anyone could best you.” Regulus began checking off
his points one finger at a time. ”You didn’t check if the diadem was real. If you had, you
would have quickly realized it was a decoy, just as if you’d checked the locket more
thoroughly, you would have opened it to find a little note I left when I was eighteen. Then,
you would have known that I’d taken the real locket, and you might have realized that I’d
destroyed all of your Horcruxes before it was too late.”

Voldemort’s sneer slowly became tinged with doubt.

“You couldn’t have.”

“Oh, but I did. You’re just as mortal as I am. If you’d like to test it, I can shoot a killing curse
at you right now and we can find out.” It was strange even as he said it, Regulus couldn’t
imagine that Voldemort could possibly be mortal. Not after he’d spent so many years and
given so much, trying to make him so. It sounded far too good to be true. Regulus was
terrified that they’d get to the final moment, and still, the Dark Lord wouldn’t die.

Voldemort’s response was to send a curse Regulus’s way, so dark, that for a moment, he saw
his life flash before his eyes once again. Before Regulus could react, Dumbledore was
blasting Regulus out of the way just in time, wand a blur in his hand as they began to duel.
Everything dissolved into chaos from there, the Death Eaters taking their cue from their Lord,
an all-out battle beginning once more.

Bellatrix cornered Regulus quickly, forcing him away from Dumbledore and Voldemort.

“You’re a traitor!” She hissed angrily, eyes wide and manic as she shot curse after curse.

Sirius ran past them, pausing only a moment to shoot a spell at Bella. His eyes met Regulus’s,
a million words between them in their small moment of solidarity. Regulus forced himself not
to dwell on it even when he wanted to chase after her brother. Instead, he lett Sirius carry on
to wherever he was going and turned his focus back to countering Bella’s increasingly violent
attacks as she recovered from Sirius’s curse.

Out of the corner of his eye, Regulus caught a flash of red hair and he turned almost on
instinct. In the distance, he could see Lily fighting on her own, two Death Eaters against her.
He couldn’t name the moment when his love and concern for Lily Evans and her wellbeing
had become an all-encompassing fire, but somewhere between Lily healing him and now… it
had. He’d despised her once, on the simple principle that James liked her, now it felt like a
lifetime ago. His intense love for her had Regulus turning from Bella without a second’s
hesitation. He didn’t think, just ducked around Bella and ran towards his friend. Bella was
quick to follow, but Kingsley Shacklebolt cut her off and Regulus didn’t pause to watch their
duel, instead heading to Lily’s aid.

“Glad you’re alive,” she panted, as he skidded to a stop at her side.

“Me too,” Regulus said, and that was all they had words for as they dispatched the two Death
Eaters together.

Over her shoulder, Regulus saw Bellatrix coming for him again, Shacklebolt nowhere to be
seen. Regulus didn’t want her near Lily, but he didn’t want to leave the redhead alone either.
Thankfully, McGonagall was there a second later, hair coming loose from her usual tight bun
and murder in her eyes.

“Regulus!” Lily called as he began to turn away. He barely even paused as he whipped his
head back around to meet her gaze questioningly.

“Lily?”

“Don’t be stupid!” She yelled over the roar of the fight, and Regulus just grinned as he took
off in the opposite direction, jumping over bodies as he went.

They’d already been pushed back into the walls of the castle, the fight raging on in the Great
Hall. It was to be expected, really. The Death Eaters had the numbers, they had the power.
The Order’s only possible chance now was killing Voldemort. If he didn’t die today, that was
it, they’d never get another chance. The Order would fall and the Dark Lord would win.

Regulus nearly ran head-first into Remus who was a sight to behold, something intense and
unshakable crackling in the air around him. They didn’t exchange a single word as three
Death Eaters approached. They stood back to back, taking on the fight together.

“You think we’d end up here the day I walked into your apothecary?” Remus called, spinning
and sending a curse over Regulus’s shoulder.

“Absolutely fucking not!” Regulus yelled back, sending out a powerful protego as a barrage
of curses came at them.

A large explosion went off, sending debris crashing down next to them, and they both dove
for cover, Remus grabbing Regulus’s wrist and pulling him down.

“I thought you were a prat,” Remus reminisced with the edges of a smile, even as a large cut
on his face dripped blood down his chin and he coughed up dust from the rubble that had
nearly just killed them. He was unruffled, however, quickly dispatching another Death Eater
that was coming at him. A piece of the ceiling had fallen not even a foot away from them, but
neither mentioned the minuscule distance between themselves and death.

“I wouldn’t say I wasn’t,” Regulus said hoarsely, trying to catch his breath as they struggled
to their feet.

“That’s true, you’re still a prat. I’m just fond of you now.”

“Best get that out of your system.”

Remus laughed, his voice rough as he squeezed Regulus’s arm.

“Oh, Reggie! Reggie, Reggie, Regulus!”

“Fuck,” Regulus cursed as he saw his cousin approaching in the distance. “See you soon,
Rem. Don’t die, my brother likes you.”

“Regulus!” Remus called, but Regulus was already turning away.

With that, he took off running and Bella was back on Regulus in a second, even angrier than
before.

“You could have had everything! Heir to the Noble House of Black and you threw it away!
Ungrateful blood traitor!”

“You’re just upset because it’s all you’ve ever wanted and you weren’t allowed. You didn’t
get to keep the Black name, wield the power,” Regulus scoffed. “You wanted it more than
anything, and it’s mine. The ‘Noble House of Black’ is not dead. I am here, I am a Black,
Sirius is a Black.” Regulus dodged Bella’s curse and returned one of his own, continuing to
antagonize her. “The disgusting violence we grew up on is no more. We will carry on the
Black name in a way that would make my parents roll in their fucking graves!”

“You will do no such thing,” Bellatrix snarled. “I will sooner kill you both than allow you to
tarnish the family name.”

Regulus grinned cruelly.

“Little too late for that, Bella.”

He’s not really sure how it happens.

The fight was violent, Bella sharp and fast, but keeping up with her isn’t an issue. Bellatrix
had been the one to teach him how to know your opponent, how to watch for their
weaknesses, how to wield a knife, and get your enemy right where it hurts. He begins to push
her back when Gideon Prewett joins him, aiding in his defense.

Bellatrix sends a killing curse right at him, and Regulus doesn’t have time to react. He’s sure
this is the end of Gideon, when suddenly Molly Weasley blasts him out of the way, turning on
Bellatrix with a vicious fire in her eyes.

“You can’t have both of my brothers, you vile bitch!”

As Bella falls, her last breath tumbling from her lips, Regulus can’t help but be glad that it
wasn’t him to do it. He’s afraid Narcissa would have never forgiven him if he had.
Andromeda maybe, but Cissa? No, never.

Bella is dead, and Regulus turns away, wishing he felt more remorse.

He wished he could remember Bella as more than who she was when she died, but most of
his earlier memories of her were tainted with the cruel, violent woman she became. All
softness bled from her soul, every inch made for pain and mercilessness.

In the center of the room, Voldemort continued to fight violently, his wand a blur as he kept
up with five Order members.

Sirius and Remus were both there, while James was across the room dueling with Peter. Lily
still was alongside Professor McGonagall, back-to-back, united, a force to be reckoned with
as they obliterated everything in their path.

Regulus had been keeping tabs on them all the entire time. Even as he’d fought, he was
always aware of where his loved ones were. Distantly, he still found it a little strange, how
many people he looked for. How many people had managed to snake their way into his heart.
He was here for them, fighting for them.
Regulus saw it the moment it happened: Voldemort’s wand flicking towards Sirius, the green
killing curse heading straight for him.

In two days, Regulus will try to explain this moment to the Ministry. In a decade he’ll try to
explain it to his children. But he won’t be able to, because the truth is he doesn’t really know
how it happens.

What was it Regulus had thought once? That with enough brilliance and sheer guts, he could
accomplish anything? Break into Gringotts, destroy seven Horcruxes under Voldemort’s
nose… anything.

What made any wizard truly powerful?

The willingness to do what others won’t.

Regulus was similar to Tom Riddle in some ways… many ways, maybe. They had the same
brilliant mind, the same propensity for pure power, and an inclination to do whatever it took.
The realization hit Regulus like a shockwave, ripping through his body and vibrating down to
his bones.

Voldemort had always been the Dark Lord, the one in control, Regulus’s master, his life, and
his death. From a young age, he’d known he would have to take the mark and Voldemort had
lurked, always a shadow at the edges of his life, the monster in his closet. Now it hit him in a
way it hadn’t earlier when still, all Regulus had seen was something inhuman, apart from
himself.

Regulus Black and Tom Riddle were alike in many ways…

But most of all, they were both terribly mortal.

The only real difference between Regulus and Tom at that moment was love. Yes,
Dumbledore’s stupid philosophy that Regulus had once scoffed at. Yet, all Voldemort wanted
 was power; he wanted to live forever, he was motivated by hate and greed.

All Regulus wanted was to save his brother.

He didn’t know how he got to the middle of the room. He didn’t know how he knocked Sirius
out of the way. He didn’t understand the pure power that burst through him in the split-
second he imagined living past this if his brother, one of the people he loved more than
anything, was to die. All Regulus knew was that his magic hit like a shockwave and
Voldemort…

Voldemort was mortal. He was just a man, and he died like one, too.

The world froze.

Tom Riddle hit the ground.

Everything was quiet.

In the silence, Regulus lowered his wand and couldn’t help but think it was an anticlimactic
end to a war that had taken so much from him.

Chapter End Notes

Hi! I spared you all the cliffhanger this week are you happy? I really wasn't going to
post both of these at once but the second part was so short and I even though I didn't
want to make you wait, I couldn't pass up splitting the chapter where Regulus woke up!

So... what do we think?

I'll remind you all that this fic is FAR from over (I mean we haven't even got proper
Jegulus yet ). There's A LOT to resolve after the war and happily ever after isn't here
quite yet... I hope y'all will stick with me through the rest of this fic. I know it's become
massive and grown far beyond what I intended when I started it for NaNoWriMo but it
has all of my love and soul.

Thanks once again to my beta @pastelanxiete who worked with me like HELL through
these last three chapters. Believe it or not, it was originally one chapter and I added so
much, we really took it far beyond what I originally wrote and I appreciate the help so
much.

See you all next Friday! Love you babes <3

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“I really don’t understand why I’m locked up,” Regulus sighed.

“You understand you’ve been declared dead for years, yes?” The Minister of Magic, whose
name Regulus didn’t know, asked.

“Yes, but I’m not dead.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not so simple.”

“The quicker you get me out of here, the less time you have to deal with my brother.”

The minister’s eyes narrowed. “Did you put him up to this?”

“I have no idea what he’s doing aside from being an overall nuisance. I just know him, and I
can safely assume he’s pitching an absolute fit over you locking me up. Granted, I did save
the whole fucking wizarding world, so it’s a little rude.”

The minister just sighed tiredly. Regulus didn’t feel bad since he’d been locked up by him,
but he could sympathize with the guy. He’d only had this job for about three days.

A few hours later, Regulus was finally being released to a very pissed off Sirius.
“My baby brother kills bloody fucking Voldemort and what does the Ministry do? They lock
him up!” He declared loudly, causing more than a few people to stare at the commotion.

“Shut up, Sirius,” Regulus muttered. “Let’s go.”

“Okay,” Sirius sighed, and it was a mark of how worried he must have been that he didn’t
even argue. “Let’s go home.”

“Where’s that?” The words left Regulus’s lips before he had time to consider just what he
was asking.

Sirius paused. “I don’t know, I guess wherever James, Remus, Lily, and Harry are. Which is
currently at their house.”

“I can’t go there right now.”

Sirius frowned. “Why not?”

“I just can’t,” Regulus insisted. “I have some things I need to do.”

“I’ll come.”

“You won’t.”

“Reg—”

“No, Sirius, it’s not up for debate. I need to go alone, and I need you to let me. I’ll come
back.”
“You swear?”

“On my life.”

Sirius scoffed, pushing his dark hair out of his face. “Well don’t do that, it doesn’t seem like
your life is something you value very much,” Sirius said, eyes flashing, and Regulus knew at
some point he was in for a proper scolding from his brother.

“Okay, fine, I swear not on my life.”

“If you don’t come back, I’ll hunt you down and kill you,”

“That sounds a little contradictory.”

“Shut up,” Sirius pushed him a little harder than was necessary. “But fine, I’ll go. Just know
I’m getting eaten alive when I show up without you. Remus has been about ready to strangle
somebody, and I’m afraid it’s about to be me.”

“Just tell them I need some time.”

“Come back.”

“I always have.”

Sirius looked at him for a moment, and Regulus was surprised by how much of himself he
saw in his brother. He’d always thought of them as so different, but Regulus was learning
despite their differences there was a lot they shared as well.
“Love you, Reggie,” Sirius said, pressing a kiss into Regulus’s hair like he was a child again.

“I love you, too,” Regulus said. It was hard to get out, but he forced it because a few days ago
Sirius had thought he was dead, and Regulus had thought they’d never see each other again.

Regulus was glad he forced it because Sirius beamed as he let Regulus go, grey eyes
brimming with pride and intense love. Over Sirius’s shoulder, a flash of blonde hair caught
Regulus’s eye and he froze, blinking. For one moment, he could have sworn it was Pandora.
But as the figure turned he caught sight of her Ministry robes, eyes that were far too dark, and
skin with too many freckles. Regulus tore his eyes away, looking back to Sirius.

“I’ll be back,” he promised, and he wasn’t entirely sure who he was promising it to.

“I believe you,” Sirius said, and the scary thing was Regulus was pretty sure that was the
truth. He wasn’t sure how they’d come to trust each other again, but they had.

It was hard to turn away from his brother, but Regulus hadn’t been lying, he did have things
to do.

Regulus didn’t open his eyes as his feet touched down on solid ground, leaving the Ministry
behind. He stood in the quiet, the sound of birds chirping, singing their last songs before the
depths of winter chased them away. He could hear the distant trickle of water.

He opened his eyes.

There was no cave, no water in his lungs, just the river in the distance, the sunlight streaming
through the trees.

The day was warm for autumn, the breeze soft on his skin. He took a deep breath, trying to
convince his brain that he was safe. It didn’t seem to care, however, a chill prickling at the
back of his neck despite the warm weather.
Regulus turned, scanning his surroundings. There was nothing, just the trees swaying in the
wind, their leaves shades of green and orange. The sun was high, and it painted the ground
with speckled light. Once, Regulus had thought that this was the closest he’d ever get to
home.

He hadn’t been happy in Italy, he’d been lonely. He’d been lost. He’d done his research,
learned more about Horcruxes than most people ever could, yet he was still afraid. Regulus
had been terrified to leave the little bubble he’d made for himself.

Now, Regulus could say while he hadn’t been happy in Italy, he hadn’t been unhappy either.
He’d simply been living in a limbo between life and death.

Regulus breathed. He took a step forward, and then after the first, he found the second to be a
little easier. The path was unchanged as he cut through nature, spotting the first signs of
houses in the distance. The trickle of water faded to nothingness and he forced his feet
forward.

When Regulus came to his house, he wanted to throw up.

There it was, exactly as he’d left it, plants still trimmed and cared for, windows clear of
cobwebs, as if nothing had changed at all. As if it were still 1982 and Remus Lupin hadn’t
yet set foot into Regulus’s apothecary.

As Regulus climbed the steps to his creaky front porch and unlocked the door, he was glad
that the place was still. Silent and slightly musty, clear proof that no one had lived there for a
while. There was no cup of tea left out on his large kitchen table, no parchment or books
stacked up in the corners. He’d purged the place of any proof of himself before he left, barely
casting a backward glance before he’d turned on his heel and left the house to rot.

Now, Regulus found he ached.

He agonized for the person he’d been the day he left, hated how terribly alone and cold he’d
been. Yet, Regulus longed for that person as well. Unattached, unbothered. Nothing tethering
him, no one pulling him back. He was free to be anything without the weight of eyes on him.
Now, Regulus was watched, he was paid attention to.

He didn’t know which was worse: being seen or no one caring to look.

There was a creak of a floorboard and Regulus spun instantly, wand drawn. Years of war
drilled the instinct to fight deeper than he’d ever be able to reach.

Regulus didn’t cast any curses, though it was on the tip of his tongue, because in front of him
was a girl he recognized, long hair in a thick plait, eyes wide.

“Bea?”

“Lu?” The girl breathed, mouth parted in shock.

“No,” he said and she blinked, mouth twisting in confusion.

“No?” She asked, cocking her head, probably trying to see the similarities between Regulus
and his glamour.

“I mean yes,” Regulus sighed, “but also no.”

“That’s not at all a helpful explanation.”

“I mean Lu isn’t actually my name.”

“Oh,” she crossed her arms. “Yes, my mother always assumed that, thought you were hiding
from something. So, what’s your actual name?”

“Regulus.”

“That’s a strange name.”

“Bea!” A voice scolded, and then Isa was sweeping through the open front door, swatting at
her daughter. “It’s a perfectly good name, don’t insult the poor boy.”

Bea scowled, and Regulus couldn’t help the hint of a smile that crossed his face.

“It is strange,” Regulus sighed, “but I’ve grown to like it. It’s after a star.”

“So your name is Regulus, which is a star?” Bea asked, even though Regulus had just said so.
He decided her question must be due to the shock of him showing up here again.

“Regulus Black,” he confirmed.

“Black? I know that name,”

“Old pureblood family,” Isa said, her eyes sharp and curious as she eyed him. “English,” she
raised an accusing eyebrow, “though also French, so you were not entirely lying.”

“Yes, I’m English. I did spend a great deal of time in France growing up, though.”

“Of course,” Isa said briskly. “Your French was that of a native, I knew that was true.”
“But you knew I was lying about other things?”

“Oh, of course. A young boy showed up here entirely alone, always wearing a glamour,
refusing to talk about his past. I knew you were running from something, though I’ll admit I
assumed it had something to do with your family.”

Regulus shook his head. “You’re not entirely wrong. My family were Death Eaters, and so
was I.”

Bea frowned. “Death Eaters?”

“The blood supremacists in Britain,” Isa said slowly. “You were one of them?”

“I defected,” he paused, then laughed humorlessly. “Fuck, I suppose I did a little more than
that now. I killed the Dark Lord a few days ago…”

Neither Bea nor Isa spoke for a minute. Regulus rubbed tiredly at his eyes, waiting for
whatever their reaction might be.

“I heard the war had ended,” Isa said eventually. “I suppose I always knew you were
somebody special.”

“I’m not, I’m just the unlucky bastard who got in the final shot.”

“Is that all you did?”

Regulus thought of the Horcruxes, of his life, his parents, and everything he had given for a
cause he’d fallen into almost accidentally. Regulus hadn’t gone into that cave with the
intention of beginning a mission to destroy Voldemort. It’d been nothing more than a suicide
attempt which he’d tried to rationalize with a good cause. One last good thing before he left
the mortal plane.
Then he’d lived.

If Remus hadn’t found him, Regulus didn’t think he would have made it this far. He would
have stayed in his house in Italy, quiet and safe. Maybe one day he would have figured out
how to destroy the locket on his own, maybe he would have. But truthfully, Regulus didn’t
know if he ever would have set off alone to hunt down the rest of the Horcruxes. It was likely
the war would have raged on, Voldemort would have eventually killed Dumbledore, taken
Hogwarts, and one day, he would have found Regulus too.

Regulus Black wasn’t good or special, he wasn’t righteous. He’d fallen into this entire thing
by chance and seen it through mainly out of spite for everyone that had wronged him and
maybe… maybe he was spurred a little bit by love as well.

“It’s not all I did,” Regulus said finally. “But it still wasn’t enough.”

“Let me tell you something, Regulus,” Isa spoke softly, and his name sounded wrong coming
from her lips. “There has rarely been a single person who has looked at themselves and their
accomplishments and thought this is enough.”

“I ended a war, but I don’t feel like it’s over.”

“No, it lives on in you,” Isa said simply. “Now come, this house is far too dusty. You’ll have
dinner with us tonight. I must tell you all about Bea’s new suitor.”

Bea grimaced in disgust, and Regulus couldn’t help but laugh. It was all so familiar; Regulus
was all that was different.

--

England

1983
~

“Hey, Cas.” Regulus pulled his cloak tighter around himself, blinking the snowflakes from
his eyelashes. “Sorry it’s been a while, or no – maybe it hasn’t.” He thought of her dark eyes,
illuminated by their white surroundings, the strange dream that he wasn’t entirely sure was a
dream at all. “Well, regardless it’s been a few months at the very least. I wish I had come here
sooner, but I’ve never really known how to swallow my guilt.” He paused, studying the curve
of her name etched into the tombstone. “But I’m here now. I’ve never really tried to be good
before, things just sort of… happened, but I’m going to try now. I hope you can see I’m
trying… it’s just hard…” He trailed off, voice becoming nothing more than a whisper.

There was so much more Regulus wished he could say to Dorcas Meadowes, but it was too
late for that. She’d died on the opposite side of a war, and even Regulus’s strange, hazy
dream couldn’t bridge that gap. She was lost to him. Regulus could spend every moment of
the rest of his life at her grave, but he could never fix that.

Feeling anything more he could say would be inadequate, Regulus stood, turning on his heel
to apparate. He exchanged one graveyard for another, this one bigger and older, filled with
large crypts and marble statues.

He knew where the grave would be on the Black family plot, generations of the dead buried
there. Yet, it was still striking to see his own name engraved there.

Regulus Arcturus Black

1961-1979

For the first time, it struck him just how short of a time 1961 to 1979 was, how short his life
might have been. He imagined Barty, Evan, and Pandora, all left behind by him, thinking that
Regulus had died at only eighteen.

He thought of Sirius. Regulus had never really thought Sirius would mourn him, and from
what he understood, he had tried his best not to. Yet, he must have missed Regulus. If he
hadn’t, he wouldn’t have cared when Regulus returned. For the first time since he’d left the
Ministry, Regulus found himself fighting the urge to run back to Sirius, to James and Lily’s
little house, to the closest thing to a home he’d ever had. He only wanted to know if Sirius
had really grieved him all those years, or if he’d thought good riddance.

Regulus didn’t move. Even though he was in England, even though he was so close, he
couldn’t. He couldn’t go back yet.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood in front of his empty grave, staring at the letters on his own
tombstone until none of it looked like actual words.

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of footsteps, whirling around. An older man
immediately stepped back, holding out a passive hand.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.”

Regulus didn’t release his grip on his wand which was hidden in his pocket, not even at the
unthreatening nature of the balding wizard.

“It’s okay,” Regulus said stiffly.

“Sorry,” the man said again. “Not trying to disturb. I was just surprised to see someone here,
no one ever visits. My wife’s grave is right over there,” he gestured behind him. “I’m here a
few times a week so I couldn’t help but notice.”

Regulus wasn’t surprised that no one visited the Black plot. There were hardly any Blacks
that somebody would mourn.

“I was wondering if you knew what happened to that fella who used to come?”

Regulus paused. “Huh?”

“A man used to come here every November,” the man continued. “I saw him every year since
they put that grave in.” He gestured to Regulus’s tombstone, “Glasses… black hair, can’t
remember what he said his name was. But we talked a few times. Nice boy, a little sad.”

“James?” Regulus asked in disbelief.

“Oh, yes, that was it. James.”

“He used to come here?”

“Every year.”

Regulus didn’t know what to do with that. He knew James loved him, that had never been a
question. He’d even known James had mourned him, but the idea of him standing here at
Regulus’s grave year after year sounded outlandish. Regulus had left James years before he’d
died, yet he’d never stopped caring.

“Oh…” Regulus said dumbly, blinking in confusion when the man looked at him expectantly.

“So, do you know why he hasn’t been here?”

“Erm – yes, I mean…” he trailed off, unsure how to explain that the person’s grave James
was visiting had turned out to be not dead. “Well, I’m Regulus…” he said eventually,
gesturing to the tombstone.

The wizard looked down to the name on the grave and then back up at him. “You mean you
have the same name or…?”

“No, I mean I wasn’t dead.”

The man stared at Regulus in shock only for a moment, quickly smiling instead. “Now that’s
a blessing we don’t see every day. Wonderful. You still see this boy, James? He clearly loved
you very much.”

“I do,” Regulus said quietly.

“Good, never let that go. A second chance at life isn’t something many people get.”

The man left Regulus with a small smile, bidding him a warm goodbye. Regulus just stood
there, shivering in the winter chill. He’d gotten a third chance at life really, and he didn’t
think he deserved it. There were so many people who did, so why did Regulus get to live?
Why was he still here when Pandora wasn’t? Lovely, beautiful Pandora who had left behind a
daughter and a husband. She deserved to live. Or Evan or Dorcas, Marlene McKinnon, Mary
Macdonald… hundreds of people who would have done better with another chance than
Regulus ever could.

Regulus returned to Italy, not feeling any more settled than he had when he left.

“You’re cleaning this place out?” Bea asked, coming up behind him.

Regulus didn’t respond, simply surveying the space around him. He sat on the floor
surrounded by piles of his belongings, a stack of boxes ready to pack things into. But nothing
was packed. Regulus hadn’t filled a single box. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

“Maybe, not yet…”

Bea was quiet for a moment. “Want to come over for dinner?”

“Okay,” he agreed softly.

And so, the boxes were left unpacked. And he stayed in Italy another night, and then another
and another.

A second month passed since he’d first left the ministry, and Regulus still couldn’t force
himself to move forward.

Dumbledore found him on the sixty-fourth day.

Regulus was on the porch, staring into the distance, a cup of tea in his hand. It did nothing to
keep out the winter chill, but still, he didn’t move from his seat on the porch steps.

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Regulus said tonelessly, not even bothering to look at the old
man.

“Nor do I,” the headmaster said simply, taking a seat beside Regulus.

“If you want something from me, I’m not giving it. I don’t care what it is.”

“I think you’ve given enough.”

Regulus scoffed. “Don’t act as if you’ve ever been on my side.”

“I wasn’t. I didn’t think much of you as a child. I made the choice not to help you. It wasn’t a
decision I delighted in, but it felt necessary. I think you should understand, Regulus, that as
much as I wish this entire thing had been different, sometimes we make bad decisions we
think are justified.”

“If I were you, I don’t think I would have chosen any differently,” Regulus admitted. “I was
nothing but an insignificant child, and you can’t save them all…. but I still blame you. You
failed me, failed so many children who didn’t deserve to die.”
“Yes,” was Dumbledore’s only response. Regulus knew even if they weren’t on the same side
and would never see eye-to-eye, the old headmaster was no longer his enemy either.

“Voldemort hit me with a killing curse,” Regulus said suddenly.

“Ah,” Dumbledore nodded. “I had wondered.”

“I woke up. Why did I wake up?”

“I couldn’t say, as I don't know the circumstances. There are very few things in the world
capable of stopping a killing curse. You’re a smart man, however, I assume you have some
suspicions.”

Regulus held his mug tighter, his knuckles white around the cup. “My cousin gave me a
ring.” He held up his hand, the Black family ring still resting on his finger. “It has old and
powerful protective magic, but it shouldn’t have been enough to save my life.”

“Family magic, blood… incredibly powerful, however, you’re right.” Dumbledore gestured
to the other ring on his finger. “And what about this one?”

“My star?” Regulus asked, confused. “It’s not magic, it’s just a ring.”

“If I remember correctly, James Potter was wearing it once.”

“Yes,” Regulus frowned. “I gave it to him years ago, but it’s bounced back and forth between
us, it… I promised I wouldn’t die without it.”

“Hm…” The old man tilted his head, eyes curious. “Magic is bigger than just spells and the
ways wizards and witches harness it. Magic exists in everything around us and is far bigger
than the scope we control. When you went to face Voldemort on your own, what spurred you
to do that, to give your life?”

“I wanted to give everyone a chance. I didn’t see another option to lure Voldemort out, and it
was either me or everyone I love. Pandora was already dead. I was desperate.”

“So you gave your life out of love,” Dumbledore nodded. “That is very, very powerful magic,
especially when that love goes both ways. When you wore a ring infused with years of
intense love between you and James Potter, when you were prepared to die, and I’m sure he
would do exactly the same for you… you gave your life for the people you loved and that
love protected you.”

Regulus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “So the secret was love.”

“Love is far more dangerous than people give it credit for,” Dumbledore said simply, and for
once, Regulus found himself agreeing with the man.

“Is that why you’re here?” Regulus asked. “You wanted to know how I survived?”

“Not exactly,” the man paused, glancing at Regulus over his glasses. “I learned something
intriguing. Death Eaters are being rounded up and questioned, investigations beginning. In
the process, your cousin Narcissa said something interesting.”

“She’s not being sentenced, is she?”

“No, probation and house arrest for the time being. But she’s not being convicted as a Death
Eater, she was very helpful, actually.”

“What did she say?”

“Voldemort wanted you marked when you were fourteen, and your father refused.”
Regulus froze. “What?”

“Surprising, isn’t it? Your parents were huge supporters of Voldemort and you received the
dark mark at a young age, but it could have been even younger. According to Narcissa
Malfoy, your father refused on three occasions.”

“My father never cared about me,” Regulus countered. Even as he said it, he knew it wasn’t
really true. Orion had cared for both Regulus and Sirius, but that had never stopped him from
treating them terribly. He never stopped their mother, in fact, he often enabled her. Regulus
had learned that love was often not enough to stop you from hurting someone.

“I couldn’t say,” Dumbledore said. “But it’s interesting to know that your father refused, and
despite wanting you marked, your mother went along with it. So somehow, some of
Voldemort’s most loyal followers defied him three times, whether they really meant to or not.
I had never considered it before, but it makes a great deal of sense.”

“What does?” Regulus snapped.

“You were born July 25th,” Dumbledore said, not answering the question at all.

“Yes, and? Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

“Only if you’d like me to explain.”

Regulus hesitated. He was tired of knowing things, of carrying the burden on his shoulders.
“Do I need to know?”

“It won’t hurt if you don’t. What’s done is done.”

“Then don’t explain. Leave and let me fucking live.”

Dumbledore stood brushing off his long robes. “Then live,” he said. “I’m sure I’ll see you
again one day, Regulus Black.”

“I hope you don’t.”

Dumbledore only smiled, unoffended by the comment. Regulus closed his eyes at the crack
of apparition.

Then live…

Regulus scoffed to himself, taking a sip of his now cold tea. Not so easy, as it turned out.

--

The Evans-Potter cottage

1984

January came with such suddenness, James woke up on the second day of the year choking
on his breath.

The sun was shining despite the chill outside, and James sat there for a long moment upright
in bed, shivering in the morning air. His heart was beating far too fast, and it took more than a
few deep breaths to steady himself. By all accounts, life should have been wonderful… the
war was over, and they’d lived through it. Lily was working at St. Mungos again, and Sirius
was back as an Auror at the Ministry. Really, life wasn’t so different from how it’d been
before Voldemort had taken control. It felt wrong. Like trying to fit back into clothes he’d
worn at thirteen, awkward and ill-fitting.

Once James felt like he could breathe again, he hauled himself out of bed, heading down the
stairs.

Remus was chatting with Harry over whatever game of pretend he’d come up with today, and
Lily and Sirius were at the kitchen table, arguing about something.

“Happy Saturday,” Remus greeted when neither Lily nor Sirius realized he’d entered, too
busy bickering.

“Any plans for today?”

“We’re going shopping!” Sirius called

“For…”

“For fun! We can do that, you know, Diagon Alley is really back up and running now.”

That sounded like the worst idea ever, but Sirius seemed excited by the prospect so James
just nodded, forcing a smile.

Sirius frowned. “Alright, Prongs?”

“Yeah,” James said quickly, “just had a bad dream,”

Sirius nodded, understanding. They all had their fair share of those.
“Harry’s going to play with Luna today, isn’t he?” James asked to change the topic before
anyone got too melancholy.

“Around noon,” Lily confirmed. “Molly says she’ll bring Ron by too since they live near the
Lovegoods.”

James nodded, trying not to grimace as the image of Pandora falling to her death flashed
through his mind. He forced it away, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat as anguish
filled him like somebody had poured ice water into his chest. James tried to shake it off.

He dreamed of that moment most nights, watching Pandora fall, helpless to do anything,
reaching out for Regulus… In the dream, James never caught him. Regulus’s wrist would slip
right through his grasp, following Pandora into death.

James took a shuddering breath.

“I’ve got to see my mindhealer today,” he spoke quickly.

They paused. Sirius looked up, and Lily nodded slowly.

“Okay, I didn’t realize you had an appointment,” she said, tugging at the end of her plait.

“It was last minute,” James admitted, deciding not to bring up the part where he’d had a
breakdown yesterday afternoon and fire called Healer Potts in a panic. She’d insisted he
come in early, weekend or not.

James was surprised when Remus spoke, his voice uncharacteristically tentative. “Does she
help, your healer?”
“In the ways I can be helped…” James told him, reaching past Harry to squeeze Remus’s
shoulder. “She’s told me a million times there's no waving your wand and fixing everything,
but it helps with certain things, helps me learn how to cope.”

Remus was silent for a moment and James decided to fix himself some tea, giving his friend
a moment to think. “Do you think it’s beneficial? I mean now that the war is over it could
help…” he trailed off.

“Yes,” James said immediately. “After everything, after the war… Healer Potts told me those
things can change you, even if I wasn’t bipolar.” He tried to ignore the fact that this was one
of the few times he’d ever admitted it aloud. “There’s a lot of healing to be done. If you or
anyone else was considering it, mindhealing really can help.”

“Okay,” was all Remus said in reply, and James, taking a page out of his mother’s book,
grabbed another teacup. There was nothing a good cup of tea couldn’t make better. Or maybe
there were a lot of things, like the gnawing emptiness in James’ heart. Still, as he took his
first sip, he did feel a little warmer.

--

Sirius was humming in the shower. Remus smiled to himself as he knocked on the bathroom
door.

“It’s me,” he called.

Sirius replied, his voice muffled by the spray of the shower, “Come in!”

Remus pushed open the door, stepping into the humid bathroom, steam floating through the
air in front of him.

“Alright, Moony?”
“Fine,” Remus said softly, “just need to brush my teeth.”

There was the sound of fumbling in the shower, and after a moment, the water cut off. Remus
didn’t turn around as he heard the shower curtain pull back. The mirror was fogged, and
Remus was grateful he couldn’t see his reflection.

“Moons?”

“Hm?” Remus asked absently.

Sirius didn’t reply and Remus was so transfixed by the foggy mirror that it took him a minute
to register the fact. He turned to face Sirius who was dripping on the bathmat, towel pulled
haphazardly around his waist. His wet hair was pushed back and as much as Remus has
always loved Sirius’s hair, there was something so magical about being able to see every line
of his jaw and the curve of his cheekbones.

“I feel like you’re far away again,” Sirius said, his voice small.

“I am,” Remus admitted, swallowing the lump in his throat. “But you know I’ll come back
for you.”

Sirius blinked, long eyelashes dark with water, and a drop dripped slowly down his cheek.
Remus reached out, catching it on his finger.

“You can talk to me,” Sirius whispered. “I know I’m not the best for those sorts of things, but
I’m here.”

A sad breath punched its way out of Remus’s throat as he leaned forward to rest his head on
Sirius’s damp shoulder. Sirius reached up, fingers going to the nape of Remus’s neck, firm
against the top of his spine. Remus breathed, a deep shuddering breath, the humid air of the
bathroom didn’t make him feel any clearer.

“It’s not true,” Remus said finally, once an unknown number of heavy minutes had passed.

“Hm?” Sirius asked, clearly having forgotten his previous statement.

“That you aren’t the best for these things, it isn’t true.” He lifted his head from Sirius’s
shoulder to look into his dark eyes, drinking in the flutter of his eyelashes and the cut of his
jaw. “You’ve always been the one who offered the most comfort on full moons, you’ve
always been able to just sit with me and let me breathe. You were there when my mum died
and sure, maybe you aren’t always the best with words, but you were always there. Don’t
think for a second that you aren’t the person I want when everything hurts. You’re all I want,
all I ever want… me pulling away, it’s not because I don’t think you can handle it. It’s
because I can’t, Pads.”

“Don’t go too far,” Sirius whispered.

“Never again,” Remus vowed.

They simply stood there for a minute before Remus turned to grab his toothbrush, and Sirius
took that as a cue to begin toweling off.

“You want to see a mindhealer?”

Remus spit his toothpaste down the drain before turning to look at Sirius, who was now
dressed in his pants and pulling on a cotton t-shirt.

“I – maybe…” Remus cleared his throat. “Honestly, I think all of us could benefit from it. I
wish we could just, you know, move on, but I don’t know… I can’t. I can’t, and I’m sure
most if not all of us feel the same. I mean, it’s been months. Regulus is Merlin knows where,
Lily is pretending everything is fine and trying to bury her grief, you watch everyone like
we’re going to fall to pieces any second… James is walking around like he isn’t even here. I
know he barely sleeps but all things considered, he’s trying to cope, which is more than the
rest of us can say. He’s seeing his mindhealer and he’s trying, even though I know he’s on the
brink of losing it… I – I just think it might be a good idea, something to consider. Because
we can’t just pick up our lives again like nothing happened.”

Sirius was silent for a while, but Remus didn’t speak, just gave him a moment to consider it.
There were a lot of preconceived notions about mindhealing in the wizarding world,
especially when it came to old pureblood families. It was seen as a weakness. Remus knew
that was part of why Sirius hadn’t originally been a fan of James needing potions and
professional help when his parents died. He’d come around, however, and Remus was pretty
sure he’d even agree to go himself if given enough time to consider.

“Maybe,” Sirius said softly and Remus figured that was the best he was going to get for now.

“Okay.”

“I want to get rid of our flat.”

Remus blinked, surprised by the sudden shift in topics. “I– okay?”

“We don’t use it anymore,” Sirius continued. “I know Lily and James want to keep us here,
they feel better if we’re all in the same house… but even when enough time has passed and
we can find some semblance of normal, I don’t want to go back there.”

“Neither do I,” Remus agreed. Something about the long-empty flat that they’d once picked
out and made into a home together now felt hollow and wrong. As if that too was tainted and
stained by the war.

“We should get a house, one day.”

“Then we will.”
“Okay,” Sirius paused, like he hadn’t expected the conversation to be so simple. “Then we
will,” he repeated Remus’s words.

Remus couldn’t help the smile that broke on his lips, and he reached out. Sirius moved
instantly, on instinct really, falling into Remus’s arms.

“We’re going to be okay,” Remus whispered, pressing his lips to Sirius’s cheek. “I know it
feels impossible right now, but we’re going to be okay.”

“I think it’s going to take a long time,” Sirius mumbled, nosing into Remus’s neck.

“Good thing time is something we have now,” Remus told him.

Sirius laughed, disbelievingly. That was a strange notion. For so many years, they’d been
waiting to die. Now they had to live. “You think Reg is going to come back?”

“I do.”

Sirius nodded against Remus’s neck. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Remus agreed, “but he’s not exactly one to face things head-on, is he? He needs
time and space. You have to trust he’ll come back.”

“I let him go,” Sirius whispered. “I had him right there and he said he had things to do so I let
him go, but it’s been months. At first, I expected every day to be the day he came back, but I
think I’ve stopped expecting it and I’m afraid I’ve lost him again. I let him go… he said he’d
come back, that he always has.”

“Well, hasn’t he?”

“Yes,” Sirius said heatedly, pulling back to meet Remus’s eyes, a scowl on his face, “because
he keeps fucking leaving! If he didn’t keep almost dying and running off and turning his back
on me, then he wouldn’t need to come back! If for once he could have just trusted me, stuck
with me… imagine how different things would have been if I’d known that he never wanted
to be a Death Eater!”

“Pads,” Remus held a hand up, “you can run yourself ragged with what-ifs, but it changes
nothing. Regulus didn’t want you to know, he thought he was protecting you by keeping you
out. You can’t go back, you can’t undo anything.” Sirius let out a frustrated noise, rubbing at
his face and Remus reached out to catch his wrist. “I know it’s hard, but we just have to trust
Regulus will come back when he’s ready. He said he would. Trust him.”

“That’s hard.”

“I know. Try anyway.”

There was a knock on the bathroom door, and they both jumped.

“You two better not be shagging in there!” Lily’s voice called. “We’re leaving in fifteen
minutes, move your asses.”

They blinked at each other, hearts beating from the sudden scare before they both dissolved
into giggles. Lily sighed loudly from the other side of the door, and that sent them into even
more laughter.

She didn’t scold them anymore, just huffed out a breath and Remus heard her faint laugh of
amusement. He bathed in it for a moment, a small sliver of proof that there was still joy in the
world. It was hard to reach at times, but it was there.

--

Azkaban
1984

James wasn’t sure what he intended by visiting Peter in Azkaban. It certainly wasn’t to listen
to his sickening pleas for forgiveness, spurred only by his desire to be freed. Yet, here he was,
not so different from the moment in Malfoy Manor, except now they were on different sides
of the bars.

No one knew it, but James had nearly killed Peter in the battle. He had disarmed him, had
him on the ground and for a moment James had every intention to kill him. If he hadn’t been
interrupted by Regulus killing Voldemort a moment later, James would have done it. Because
Peter had taken everything from so many people. He had put Harry in danger, he would have
killed them all if not for Regulus ratting him out. Peter had killed Mary, had hunted her down
when she was supposed to be safe. She was supposed to get to live happily ever after, and
Peter had stolen that. It was Peter's fault that Pandora had come running to them; she could
have disappeared until the war was over if he hadn’t gone after the Lovegoods. She would
have lived. She had a daughter and a husband, and now she was dead.

James was absolutely fucking livid. He would have killed Peter, a part of him still wanted to
kill him, yet… seeing him now, pathetic, withering away in his cell, James was glad he
hadn’t. Death would have been a mercy Peter Pettigrew didn’t deserve.

“Please James, please I know you’re good. I know no one else will even look at me, but you
have to understand why I did what I did. I was scared! I was trapped, I didn’t know what to
do, I didn’t want to die.”

“No,” James said, his voice hard. “Plenty of people were scared. I was scared, but that didn’t
make me join the Death Eaters. Don’t play your pathetic little bit with me, I know better.”

“The Dark Lord got ahold of me!” Peter insisted. “Once I was in, there was no going back. I
didn’t know what I was doing! You’ll really leave me here to rot?

“Don’t lie to me,” James said coldly. “You say that as if I don’t know people who turned their
backs on Voldemort. Regulus Black got out.”
“Black was different! That was a one-time–”

“And what about Narcissa Malfoy?” James cut Peter off. “She was stuck there, but that didn’t
stop her from trying to do the right thing. She fed the prisoners, helped Regulus find the
Horcruxes, and helped Emma and I escape from Malfoy Manor. If you were really stuck, if
you really wanted to be good, Peter, you would have found a way.”

“You don’t understand, they were just braver than me! You know me, I was too scared to do
anything, he would have killed me! Please, have mercy, please James, please I know you, I
know you can help.”

“Peter, I would have killed you,” James said harshly, and Peter’s begging immediately
tapered off. “You don’t know me, not anymore. If you did, you’d know that I will never help
you, that you’re going to rot here for the rest of your life. Don’t play weak with me. I know
how many people you killed, I know what you’ve done. You’re not the scared child you were
in Hogwarts, and I’m not the person I was then, either. You brought everything that happened
down on yourself. This is what you deserve.”

“Then why are you here?” And it was a mark of how two-faced the man was that Peter’s
voice was suddenly steadier, the weak pleading persona gone.

James laughed bitterly.

“To make sure,” he said harshly. “Because I see it over and over again in my dreams. I feel it,
that rage, the bloodlust. I want to kill you, and then suddenly I remember the Peter that was
my friend, the one I grew up with, the one I loved and trusted. I just had to be sure you
weren’t that person. I needed to know I was justified, and I think I’ve come to my
conclusion.” James turned.

“No, no James, don’t leave me here!”

James didn’t look back.

“James! Ja—”

The door to the cell block swung shut, cutting off Peter’s voice. James looked down at his
patronus, a dark cat winding its way around his ankles, filling him with a warmth he couldn’t
describe, more than just that of a patronus.

“C’mon,” he told the cat softly, “let’s go home.”

Peter Pettigrew never had another visitor. He’d rot in there, cold and alone. Eventually, James
would learn to smile again. Peter never would. He’d be forgotten inside the walls of
Azkaban. He would die one day, a long time in the future without a single person to care.

Spring came softly that year. The first whisper of a sweet, warm breeze kissing Sirius’s skin
as he stepped outside one morning.

He froze.

The sun was shining, there were birds chirping in the distance. It was a beautiful day, the first
bits of life poking through the corpses of last year’s greenery. Sirius was already late to work.
He’d had an argument with Moony that morning, though now he couldn’t even recall why
it’d been so important… something to do with putting away his socks and leaving his clothes
in Remus’s part of the wardrobe. Lily had finally come upstairs to scold them both heavily,
already dressed in her healer robes, and Sirius had realized with a start that he was supposed
to leave ten minutes earlier.

He'd hurried out the front door, barely even bothering to lace up his boots, he was so
incredibly late.
 Then he’d stopped on the porch.

Sirius didn’t move.

He stood there, spring air in his lungs, hands shaking.

He remembered the early days in this house when Regulus had first returned. Sirius had been
so angry, livid at his brother’s presence. Yet, even before they’d begun to repair their
relationship, Sirius had found himself watching. Hiding around corners to study Regulus
sitting on his chair in the corner of the living room, the summer sun shining through the
window as he read quietly.

Now, spring was back and summer was surely soon to follow. A season or so more, and it’d
mark a year since the end of the war. A year since he’d seen his little brother. Regardless of
what anyone said, Sirius was beginning to think Regulus wasn’t coming back.

As the sun warmed his face and the world seemed to sing with hope around him, Sirius didn’t
move. He stayed there for a long time until James found him later, brown eyes wide with
concern, hands firm on Sirius’s shoulder.

Sirius didn’t go to work that day.

Regulus didn’t come back.

Chapter End Notes

I think of this fic as three arcs/parts, the beginning when Remus and Reg first teamed
up, when they reconnected with everyone, and now this: the aftermath of sorts.
Everyone had lots of questions about where we're going from the end of the war and I
think I should stress that just as the first two parts got so much care and detail, this arc
will get the exact same treatment. I'm sorry they don't get happily ever after yet, but
c'mon don't tell me y'all didn't see this coming I've been dropping plenty of hints ;)

To whoever in my comments said oh jegulus gets to be happy now! I'M SORRY

Anyway, see you next friday for one of the most devastating chapters I've ever written ;)

Thanks as usual to my beta @pastelanxiete

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find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Notes

TW for heavy discussion of drug use and addiction!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

France

1984

It was an accident.

Or maybe it was simply a long time coming.

Maybe from the first potion Regulus ever took, just every once in a while. He kept having
panic attacks, he couldn’t breathe, and he just needed something to ease his anxiety.
Eventually ‘every once in a while’ stopped working, instead, he needed them constantly.
Then it wasn’t just calming draughts, he wasn’t just drinking a vial, he was injecting them, he
was taking harder and harder drugs. Suddenly, it went from sometimes to all the time.

Getting sober had been an accident. Regulus had nearly died. He spent a week barely alive.
He didn’t mean to detox, but by the time he could stand and walk around again, he’d gone
through withdrawal, the drugs long gone from his system. Everything was loud, painful… but
Regulus was alive, and for the first time he could remember, his mind was clear. He wasn’t
driven to stay clean out of any care for himself or hope, it was simply fear. He was terrified of
Voldemort finding him, of being too out of it to save himself when the day came. Eventually,
it got a little easier. Weeks passed, months, years. Regulus learned to be a person without the
drugs. Yet, he never fully got rid of the yearning, the ache under his skin.

Regulus might have stayed clean if not for Barty. He’d done far worse than starving, torturing
or even turning Regulus over to Voldemort. Barty had reminded him of the feeling, brought
back the cravings with such sharp intensity. He knew what he’d been doing, left a mark on
Regulus even his death couldn’t shake off. Yet, Regulus stayed strong. He had a war to focus
on.

Now the war was over.

Regulus drifted.

It was a long time coming…

“You look like you could use some fun,” a man whispered into Regulus’s ear, the curves of
his French sultry and low.

Regulus had been drinking a little. A terrible idea for a drug addict, but as stated… a long
time coming. He was tired and every breath felt like dying, so fuck him, Regulus wanted to
have a little bit of fun.

“You ever had one of these?” The man asked in the alley behind the bar, the thump of the
music and the sound of people laughing spilling onto the cobblestone streets.

“Can’t say I have,” Regulus mumbled, looking at the tablet, everything hazy around him.

Muggle drugs, as it turned out, were different than wizarding drugs. Yet also, not so different
at all.

Some of them made things quiet like calming draughts did, some of them didn’t. Either way,
they all had the effect of taking Regulus out of his body. Making everything blurry, neon and
bright or unfocused. Regulus didn’t have to worry about breathing or even existing. Half the
time he didn’t even know who he was, and that was perfect. Regulus didn’t want to be
himself, whoever that was. Regulus Black the Death Eater, Regulus Black the traitor, Regulus
Black the savior of the wizarding world, Regulus Black the bad friend, bad brother, bad child.
He was tired of Regulus Black. He refused to be him for a second longer.

His new friends didn’t even know his name. They’d tried to ask, but Regulus had refused. He
couldn’t be Lu anymore either, so they’d taken to calling him Curls, very creatively because
of his hair. Regulus didn’t really mind because honestly, he didn’t know most of their names
either. There was Tattooed Guy as Regulus referred to her, the guy who always wore an ugly
hat, a blonde who Regulus was ninety-nine percent sure was named Talia but everyone called
her Tally, and Bernice who had spoken exactly one word to Regulus, which was to tell him
her name. The only one he really knew was Théo, sandy hair, big smile, who insisted on
speaking to Regulus in heavily accented English to ‘practice’ even when Regulus only
responded in French. His sister was in America, he said, and one day he'd make enough
money to join her.

Maybe he would. He sold enough drugs to make a decent amount, the only problem was he
took just about as much as he sold. He was more likely to die in their dingy little flat than he
was to make it to America, though Regulus supposed he wasn’t one to talk.

Regulus was high out of his mind one night, lying on the threadbare sofa, rubbing at his nose
where it burned from the drugs, when Théo burst into the flat, eyes wide and face flushed.

“Who wants to go to America?”

Tally whooped, jumping up instantly. “Fuck yeah!”

Everyone else simply blinked, too high to really react.

Tattooed Guy (whose name was actually Luca, Regulus had eventually learned, but it was
hard to break the habit of calling him Tattooed Guy) raised a hand in a thumbs up, and
everyone else quickly agreed.

“What about you, Curls?” Théo asked. “Got somewhere to be?”

Regulus hummed. Distantly, in the back of his hazy mind, something was telling him he did
but he couldn’t figure out where that was. “I think so, but sure, America… why not?”

As Théo excitedly began making plans and talking about planes, Regulus thought that he
probably needed some sort of credentials for that, but he could probably spell himself
some… if he could find where his wand was. Honestly, he hadn’t used it in…well – frankly,
Regulus had no idea. He didn’t even know what month it was or how long he’d been here. It
was probably a while at this point, but days were hard to catch and there were a lot of blanks
in his memories.

Eventually, Regulus did find his wand and made himself a highly convincing copy of a
passport. He caught Luca looking curiously at it, but still, no one tried to find his real name,
not that the name he’d put on was actually his name.

The guy with the ugly hat (whose name Regulus still genuinely wasn’t sure on. William was
what Regulus had heard but also Will, Willy, Bill, and also… Bob? Regulus had decided the
safest bet was probably William and had been referring to him as such, hoping it was right)
was Canadian and was tasked with doing most of the talking as they made their way through
to America. Regulus didn’t tell them that he was also a native English speaker, happy to let
William take the lead with his Canadian accent and charming smile, despite his ugly hat.

The thing was, they looked like drug addicts. The lady at the hotel did not seem inclined to
give them a room, stating a long list of protocols about drug use on the property which
seemed to increasingly confuse the non-native English speakers. Even William and his
American-like English weren’t faring well as she looked down at the foreigners in disdain.

“Excuse me?” Regulus said, pushing forward, shoulders back, spine straight, looking down at
her in distaste. The perfect picture of a Black.

The woman tapered off in her speech. “Uh, yes?”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “So you’re going to refuse us a room based on assumptions?” He
asked coldly. “Really, that can’t be allowed. I don’t suppose you have a telephone I could use
then? See, my father owns a large chain of hotels and I’m fairly certain this one falls under
his name. I’m not sure he’d be happy to hear his son is being denied a room based on
assumptions being made by a mere receptionist.” There was absolutely nothing to prove he
was telling the truth, yet it seemed rich people weren’t so different in the muggle world
because the woman instantly nodded.

“Oh, no there’s no need for that,” she said quickly.

Ten minutes later, they were piling into their new room, dumping suitcases on the floor.

“You’re British?” William asked in surprise, tugging at the brim of his hat. “Thought you
were French.”

“I am,” Regulus said in English, because there was no point pretending otherwise at that
point. “French and British,”

“You sounded fancy.”

“Posh,” Bernice agreed, in her usual one-word sentence.

Regulus just shrugged.

“You rich?” Tally asked, flopping on the bed. “You sound rich.”

Regulus considered that technically not, the money all belonged to Sirius now and he’d given
up everything in his name to Narcissa. Regulus had been getting by on the money he’d made
with his apothecary in Italy, but it had to be getting low by now.

“I probably need a job,” Regulus said in reply.

Théo laughed. “Don’t we all? Now come on, let’s sleep so we can celebrate tonight!”

“First, I need to get high,” Luca declared, nudging Bernice who just nodded.

Regulus seconded that.

--

Time passed. Quite a bit of it, Regulus was pretty sure.

Eventually, they got a flat, smaller and dirtier than their one in France, but a flat nonetheless.
Théo was around a little less, spending more time with his sister, and trying to find work. He
wanted to live in New York permanently. Regulus did not. It was like London but somehow
worse.

Everything was loud and busy, the streets dirty and filled with people. Every time he went
outside he was sure he was being watched, that someone was lurking around a corner,
waiting to take him down for good. Every pedestrian was a potential enemy, a threat waiting
in the shadows.

However, he also didn’t entirely hate it. There was plenty to do, never time to be left alone
with his thoughts. There was always a party or bar of some sort. Places and people to get high
out of his fucking mind with. Actually, Regulus liked some parts. He finally felt far enough.
There wasn’t even a trace of the war in New York City, and if there were whispers of a
wizarding community, Regulus was careful not to look for them. Days passed, weeks,
months, all of them in a haze. Regulus was never sober, never clear-minded. He quite liked
that.

He even found work restoring books at a little shop not far from their flat. His boss never
minded if he came in at strange hours or obviously high, or even if he disappeared for weeks
at a time. His boss only shrugged and said, “You don’t show up, you don’t get paid. Not my
problem.”
“You should stay,” Théo said one night, crawling into Regulus’s bed. “Try to get your
citizenship,” he said as if it were that simple.

“Maybe,” Regulus whispered.

“You got something waiting for you back home?”

“I don’t know where home is.”

“No,” Théo sighed, “neither do I, but I think it could be here. My sister loves it. She’s my
family, so I’ll do what I have to so I can stay.”

“I have a family,” Regulus whispered into the dark.

“Most people do. It’s the kind of family, that’s the question.”

“I had a bad one, a terrible, violent, awful family. I would have rather died than stayed. But I
have a good one too, somewhere out there. I think they’re waiting for me.”

“Then why don’t you go back?”

“It’s been a long time now. I lost track of it at some point, and now I think it’s too late.”

“If they’re so good, they won’t mind.”

Regulus knew that was true, that he could return in ten years and they’d no doubt be angry
but still glad he was back. That wasn’t the problem.
“I’m not the sort of person who gets to go home,” Regulus admitted a terrible secret,
whispered into the quiet darkness of their flat. “For a while, I was someone different. I tried
to be good, you know, I wanted to heal. I wanted to learn to live, and I left to do that… but
somehow I turned out worse than when I started.”

“Do you want to be better?” Théo asked, turning over so they were face-to-face.

“I’m not so sure I see the point anymore. Life keeps on going, doesn’t it? Never stops to let
you breathe, so I can’t stop with it. I can’t go back, and my family, they’ll be okay without
me, They’ve gone this long… I made promises, but maybe I’m the sort of person who’s just
made to break them.”

Théo blinked, his wide eyes soft as he bit his lip. “If you did want to get better, you’d deserve
that. I want to get better. My sister, Sofie, she wants me to get better too. I just need enough
money, something to get me started so I can put roots down here, you know? Then I can stop
selling the drugs, get straight.”

“That’d be nice,” Regulus whispered. “I want you to get better too.”

“I’ll get a nice place, maybe open a shop or something,” Théo mused. “You like books, right?
What about music? Maybe we can sell records, books too. You can help me out there, we’ll
get so clean no one will ever look at us and guess where we came from. Then when you’re
better, you can go back home to your family.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Théo smiled. “You and me Curls, to getting better?”

“Yes, yes,” Regulus returned his smile. “Let’s get better.”

--
In true Regulus Black fashion, he didn’t get better.

Instead, Regulus got far, far worse.

See, at first, he wanted to try. He missed his family. They visited him in his dreams, begging
him to come back. “You said you’d come back!” Sirius pleaded. “What about eventually?”
James would scoff. Liar, disappointment, addict… the words piled on and Regulus couldn’t
breathe. “I’ll never allow someone like you near my son,” Lily would hiss, and Remus would
simply step back when Regulus held out a hand, face twisting in disgust.

“You lived and I didn’t and this is what you do with it?” Pandora yelled, eyes full of tears .
“I’m dead because of you, my daughter is without a mother! How could you do this, how?”

Regulus stopped sleeping, he stopped showing up for work entirely, got so high, and drank so
much that he could forget his dreams, forget even his own name. He knew it was bad when
even Théo was shaking his shoulders, begging him to stop. When your fellow drug addict
friends think you’re falling off the rails, that’s usually a danger sign.

“You’re going to OD, Curls,” Théo said one night, pushing him back but Regulus just
laughed. “It’s not funny, this is getting really bad! I thought you wanted to get better!”

“You’re a fucking hypocrite,” Regulus hissed, returning the push, causing Théo to stumble
backward.

“Woah,” Tally said, her words slurred. “Let’s not fight.”

“C’mon, let’s just go home for tonight,” Théo begged, and Regulus could tell by the flush of
his face and the size of his pupils that he was clearly very high as well.

Regulus scoffed. “You’re not any better than me,” he spat.

“I know,” Théo said hollowly. “Neither of us are better, but let’s just go, Curls. You keep
starting fights, and I can’t have another spot on my record.”

“Fine,” Regulus had finally conceded, sharply.

He still ended up in the hospital that night anyway. Disoriented by the sound of muggle
machines, everything was hazy. He barely remembered taking more when they’d gotten
home. Didn’t know how he’d ended up there, but Théo was there, his hand holding
Regulus’s, grip tight.

“You don’t know his name?” Somebody was hissing.

“No,” Théo said frantically, speaking in broken English. “H-he has never said.”

“Regulus.”

Théo’s grip tightened, and the other person paused. “Did he say something?”

“Regulus… Regulus Black… m- my name,” he choked out.

“Strange name,” Théo whispered into Regulus’s ear, and if Regulus hadn’t been sure he was
only a few steps from death, he might have laughed.

“Regulus,” Théo said three days later, when he’d broken Regulus out of the hospital.

“Hm?”
“That’s your name.”

“It is,” Regulus looked down from where they were perched on the roof of their apartment
building, the city stretching out in front of them. Regulus had heard of New York City plenty
of times, a place of dreams and opportunity. It didn’t feel like that. It felt suffocating. Too
many people, too many places to get lost.

“You’ve never said before.”

“I know.”

“You were running from something?”

Regulus just looked at him. “Most people don’t wind up like us if they’re not.”

“I’ve met a lot of people in this life,” Théo said, looking out over the busy streets below.
“Bernice, Tally, Luca, and Will, they’re not the first group I’ve been with. People leave, you
know, they go somewhere else. Sometimes they get better, sometimes they don’t… but I meet
a lot of people like us. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved any of them before though. Not like
you. Most of the time, we’re just a bunch of people thrown together by chance. But you,
you’re a strange man, but you’re my friend. A real friend.”

“You’re my friend too,”

“Ah,” Théo grinned, nudging Regulus, “but you don’t love me?”

“Only a little bit.”

Théo seemed happy enough with that answer, and they sat in silence as the sun set in front of
them, thousands of people below with no idea that they existed.
--

The thing, as Regulus was learning, is that it doesn’t matter how far he went – the past was
always there, biting at his heels. He probably should have figured that out the day Remus
Lupin walked into his shop. That shouldn’t have happened. Remus shouldn’t have found him,
much less recognized him. They shouldn’t have ended up at Lily and James’s house. Regulus
shouldn’t have gotten comfortable.

But Remus had, and they had, and Regulus had.

Small world, they said, but Regulus didn’t feel that way in America. He felt like nothing,
nobody, and that was how he wanted it.

For the first time in his life, nothing was of consequence. He understood now why Sirius had
gone crazy as a teenager. Acting out, fucking things up, and going wild. It was freeing, even
without their parents to spite, being able to do anything he wanted for the first time in his life.
Regulus wanted to do it all. He’d been perfect. He’d needed to be. For most of his life,
Regulus was the spare, the second-born. His parents would have disposed of him in an instant
if it meant keeping Sirius. Regulus was perfect, he did everything he was asked, followed the
family values, and squared his shoulders like a Black. It didn’t matter. Regulus tried so hard.
Sirius never tried at all, yet he was everything. Charming, powerful, a force to be reckoned
with all behind a boyish grin, Sirius had the potential to bring the Black family to a realm of
glory even they had never seen before. As an heir, he would have been incredibly powerful. It
didn’t matter how hard Regulus tried, he would never be as good as Sirius, and Sirius would
never be the heir. That was eventually made clear, and their parents were forced to train
Regulus instead.

He was perfect, but never good enough.

The drugs were an escape, just to blur the edges and calm the mounting anxiety that started to
build in his chest at fourteen.

James Potter was the first escape. Regulus had never really done anything for himself, had
anything that was just his alone. And maybe… maybe Regulus took James’s hand partially
out of spite. Maybe he thought that he could take something from his brother, and secretly be
a little more like him. Regulus wanted just one thing, one freedom. Maybe a part of Regulus
let James kiss him the first time because he knew Sirius would hate it.

The twisted horrible thing was that James most certainly knew that. Even worse was that the
spite only carried him so far. That it couldn’t be to blame for the night Regulus had ended up
pacing outside the Gryffindor common room. It was far past curfew, and Regulus’s heart was
beating rapidly, his vision going dark around the edges. That had been the first time Regulus
thought he was going to die.

And then there was Marlene Mckinnon. She’d rounded the corner, stopping suddenly when
she registered him there.

“Oh –” she’d grimaced. “You gonna take points?”

It had taken Regulus a very long moment to comprehend the fact that he was a prefect, and
she probably expected him to bust her for being out so late. Regulus knew where she’d been,
with Dorcas no doubt. Though his friend wouldn’t say a word on the matter, Regulus knew
she was head over heels for the Gryffindor.

When Regulus hadn’t responded, Marlene had taken a step closer, her dirty blonde hair
glinting under the moonlight spilling into the corridor. Her expression had shifted, her brow
furrowing when she registered something wasn’t right.

“Uh… Black?” She’d asked, and Regulus had tried to speak, but he was shaking and he could
feel sweat itching at the back of his neck. She took another step forward and Regulus’s vision
swam as he doubled over. “Oh shit,” he heard her curse distantly. “Black? What’s going on,
are you hurt? I can get Pomfrey–”

“No!” Regulus had forced out, cutting her off. “No, no don’t I need– I…”

“Sirius?” She’d asked hesitantly, hands raised but not daring to touch him.
They didn’t even know each other. If anyone found out, this could ruin him. But Regulus was
scared and desperate, that was the only thing that could explain the whisper that fell from his
lips next.

“James.”

That had clearly thrown Marlene off, and she’d suddenly frozen. “James?” She asked. “James
Potter?”

“Yes, please, I’m begging you–”

“Okay, okay, yes Black, I’ll get him. Stay there, don’t die while I’m gone.” She disappeared
through the portrait hole, and Regulus would have laughed to himself if he could have. He
wasn’t going anywhere. He could barely fucking breathe.

What might have been an hour or only minutes later, the portrait hole opened again and two
figures stumbled out.

“Regulus? Oh god, shit–” James was there, and Regulus lifted his head and James’s fingers
found his skin, one hand tilting his head up.

“James,” Marlene hissed, “what the fuck is this, what’s going on?”

“Marls, just– give me a second, please.”

“Sorry,” Regulus choked out because he knew this was bad, he’d fucked up. He’d taken too
much, he shouldn't have come here, he was putting them both in danger.

“No, no, no,” James said quickly, his gaze snapping back to Regulus. “Don’t apologize, love,
I’ve got you, we’re going to sort this out.”
“Okay…” Regulus whispered hoarsely.

“How much did you take?”

“Dunno, dunno I’m sorry. Jamie I– I have to apologize, I’m doing so badly. I’m fucking
everything up, I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” James’s other hand went to Regulus’s waist, helping him straighten up. He could
barely support himself, but James didn’t buckle under Regulus’s weight, only holding him up
steadily. “We can talk about this later, but I’ve got to get you out of here, okay? Come on
Reg, you don’t want anyone to see this.”

Regulus tucked his head into James’s neck. “You’re the best person in the entire world,
you’re just… Jamie, I- I hate you.”

“I know, I love you, too,” James muttered, and it was the first time Regulus would remember
James ever saying it, though they’d both already known it at the time.

“James…” Regulus had forgotten McKinnon was still there, but he was too out of it to feel
alarmed, even as James stiffened.

“Marls, you can’t tell anyone. I’m serious. Not about finding him here, and absolutely not
about us,” James said, urgently.

“Does Sirius know?”

“No,” James said, his voice tight. “No one knows, not a single fucking person. You’re the
only one, so please…”
“To keep it from Sirius though–”

“I know, I know, Marlene. But you have to understand, it’s complicated… I– it’s dangerous.”

“I don’t understand! He’s a soon-to-be Death Eater, James! It’s only a matter of time. That’s
not even mentioning the fact that he’s your best friend’s brother! I mean, how long has this
been going on?”

“A year and a half…”

“A year and a–”

“Marls! Please, let’s talk about this later. Just– please, please don’t tell anybody.”

Marlene was quiet for a long moment, and it was only as Regulus’s legs buckled and James
grabbed for him, keeping him up, that she backed down. “Fine, but only because he’s
clearly… sick. Don’t think that’s it though, we are talking about this tomorrow.”

“Fine, fine,” James said quickly, and then Marlene was disappearing into the common room,
and James was leading Regulus down the corridor.

“You deserve better,” Regulus had whispered, shakily.

“Probably, but the only thing I’ve ever wanted is you.”

Years later, he would convince himself he’d imagined James’s response. If he’d managed to
accept it, what came after might have been a little easier.

The Potter-Evans cottage

 1985

When the clock struck midnight at the dawn of 1985, the celebration felt hollow.

Normalcy had come slowly. In fact, most days Lily could still feel the clumsiness, how they
tried to fit the pieces back together but some of them weren’t quite right. They were healing
the best they could. As hard as they tried, and as much as life sometimes felt okay, it felt
wrong just as often.

This was one of those times. Harry was asleep on James’ shoulder, despite insisting he was
going to stay up. James was watching the sky through the window. Remus was at Lily’s side,
drink in hand. He smiled at her, but even so, his eyes flicked to Sirius, whose brow was
furrowed.

“Okay, it’s 1985,” he said, suddenly. “That’s long enough right?”

“Long enough?” Remus asked hesitantly.

“I have to go find Regulus,” he said firmly.

Remus paused in uncertainty, and James glanced away from the window, frown painting his
face.

“He did say he’d come back…” Remus pointed out. “Maybe give—”

“I’m not giving him any more time,” Sirius said, crossing his arms. “I’ve given him time. It's
been over a year. I’m going to find him. Yes, he did promise, but I know Regulus. I know he
probably meant it at the time, but that doesn’t mean he still does. If he were planning to come
back, he would have by now, and I promised to hunt him down and murder him if he didn’t,
so I’m only upholding my end.”
 “I’ll come,” James said after a moment of silence, his fingers going up to his neck before
stopping, seeming to remember that the ring wasn’t there. Regulus had the ring. He’d had it
for over a year now, yet James still seemed to look for it instinctively.

“Okay,” Sirius said.

No one else argued. They knew Sirius was right.

“We’ll find him,” Remus said, his voice quiet.

Lily thought it was strange how so much could change, yet at the same time, so little.

Chapter End Notes

Hello babes, happy thursday. I decided to update a day early this week, out of the
goodness of my heart (aka: I have two papers due tomorrow and I'm driving to my
parents' place for the weekend so I won't have time)

Firstly, I'M SORRY. So many of you thought Regulus was dead after last chapter, I
promise he's not... however he's also not doing great. Next chapter is the worst, it's
actually sickening, but happily ever after is coming!!

Secondly, we still have some time to go with this fic but I'm already looking forward to
the next work (yes, I will finish antithesis my lil band AU, it's already almost done just
needs editing...) and I have some big plans so I hope you all will stick with me!

Big thanks to my beta @pastelanxiete as always.

Love y'all <3

find me on tumblr
find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Thirty
Chapter Notes

TW for drug use and addiction.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Regulus wasn’t so good with the getting better stuff, but as Théo pointed out, he wasn’t
getting worse, which was true. He hadn’t ended up in the hospital again, and he started going
to work every once in a while.

Rather, Regulus was stuck in an agonizing limbo, a strange place between life and death
where nothing ever felt quite real. There were little splinters of it, sharp and biting. A little
boy in the bookstore, no older than three, and Regulus smiled at him, thinking he was around
Harry’s age before realizing with a jolt that it wasn’t true. Harry was older now, five maybe?
Or no, four? Regulus didn’t know.

The world stopped, pressing in from all sides, ringing in his ears. The boy’s mother scooped
him up and they left, the bell ringing behind them, the world glowed white. Regulus blinked,
swallowing blood in his throat.

Harry was in front of him, smiling widely, completely unaware of the war going on outside
his window.

Regulus was five, staring up at his big brother while he told him stories to get him to sleep,
eyes wide, giggling as Sirius marched his toy dragon over Regulus’s legs.

“Roarrr, he gonna eat you, Reggie!”

Regulus didn’t know why he had to be quiet with his giggles, he didn’t know his parents were
content to leave him here crying or that Sirius had snuck out of his own bed to help him fall
asleep. He had no idea he’d one day be alone and unloved or that eventually, Sirius would
leave, right now he just grabbed at the toy smiling in delight.

Sirius was pulling away, looking at him in disgust.

“You’re just like them,” he spat, as if he hadn’t been the one to raise him. As if Regulus didn’t
belong to Sirius in almost every way a child could.

Sirius probably still felt the sting of failure. He probably believed it even then, even when he
was so full of righteous anger and Regulus was the enemy. Maybe that was why when they’d
fallen out, they’d fallen hard.

“Do you ever think about the fact that we could do anything?” Pandora whispered.

“We can’t .”

She turned , her eyes blazing. “Yes, we can Regulus! If we really wanted to we could take off
and no one could stop us, the world is so big there’s so much to see. Don’t you want to see it
with me?”

“I’d do a lot of things for you, not this,”

Regulus blinked. Sirens screamed. Pandora was falling, Regulus was reaching, their fingers
brushed and then he was being yanked back crying in anguish as she was ripped from his
grasp.

“You’ve got to be more careful, Reggie,” Sirius murmured, his young hands small but
practiced as he examined Regulus’s bleeding fingers.
“Take them out,” Regulus whimpered, trusting his big brother to ease the pain as he always
did.

“I will, give me a second,” Sirius complained but he gently wiped the tears from Regulus’s
face anyway, far too mature for his nine years of age.

“Don’t let Mother see, she’ll be mad that you were climbing the trees again,”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Regulus told his brother quickly, “There was a bird stuck up there, I
wanted to help it!”

“Don’t say sorry to me, Reggie. It’s okay, just don’t do it again, you can’t help every little
scared animal you come across, they have to take care of themselves. Birds can fly.”

“She was hurt,” Regulus whispered tearfully.

“I know, but sometimes you have to put yourself over a little bird.”

Regulus didn’t understand. He just wanted to help, why was helping wrong? Why did it hurt
to do something good, and why should his mother punish him for it? He didn’t ask Sirius that
though because he knew what his brother would say, what he always did… that Regulus was
too little and he didn’t understand yet.

There it was, reality splintering off as Regulus tried his best to grip onto it, leaving little bits
of wood in the soft palms of his hands.

“What happened?” Théo asked, pulling them out one by one.

“Dunno,” was Regulus’s only reply.

“I’m getting really worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

Never was there a more obvious lie, but Théo didn’t comment. Regulus was glad because he
didn’t want to push away the only person he had left.

And so, it slipped from his grasp, but never entirely. Regulus felt it again, meeting Théo’s
sister, feeling as if he were so, so close to something, yet so far away. Despite his long
sleeves, he swore she could see the track marks on his arms. He remembered the warmth of
James spelling them away. Regulus would do that if he knew where his wand was, but he
didn’t. Maybe the reminder was better. He reached up and for a moment, he was climbing,
solid wood under his hands, pulling him up to glance at the world around him.

“I don’t blame you,” Pandora’s voice whispered and Regulus startled, the branch snapped.

He felt the stab of the splinters, as he yanked his hand back when his boss stopped him one
night. “Now it’s not any of my business, but I can tell you’re a bright kid. It’d be a shame to
let that go to waste. You ever considered getting help?”

“I don’t need help.”

He’d stopped showing up to work after that completely. He never went back.

Regulus was so fucking tired of always needing to be saved. He didn’t need saving! He was
happy this way, he was fine, everything was fine.

Better was a made-up concept; there was no better, there was just living and the weight of a
thousand dead people on his shoulders. Regulus was buckling.

“I think I’m going to get clean,” Théo told him. “For good, forever, this time.”
“Okay,” Regulus said quietly, trying not to feel abandoned. Just because Regulus couldn’t get
better didn’t mean he should hold Théo back. He wanted to reach out, but the last time he’d
done that Pandora had died.

“I don’t need to sell anymore. In no time, we’ll have that shop and you can help me stock it
with all the best books.”

“What kinds?” Regulus entertained his dream because Théo was his friend and because
maybe he really meant it. Maybe Théo was just stronger than Regulus, and he was going to
have everything he wanted.

“Every kind,” Théo said, smiling broadly.

“You’re going to need a very big store.”

“We’ll make it work.”

We… That was nice.

“You think we will?”

“Yes, Regulus. You and me, right?”

Regulus didn’t say that it wasn’t both of them, that Théo was the only one who was getting
better. They weren’t in it together. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and simply smiled,
nodding once.

“I love you, Curls. You’re a good friend.”

Regulus sighed, smiling playfully even though it wasn’t true. “So are you. I love you, too.”

That was only hours ago. Hours…

One last time, Théo had said, one more night, and then he was getting clean.

Well, he’d been right. It had been the last time.

It was the last time because now Regulus was standing outside on the street, watching the
way the red and blue lights of the police cars painted his hands, dancing along the street.

It was the last time because Théo was dead.

Regulus was familiar with death. He’d touched it himself so many times, and he brought it
upon others. Fuck, he’d killed Voldemort of all people, who’d thought himself above it. He
knew death, but Théo had never seemed like someone who could be touched by it. So bright
and hopeful, despite the circumstances of his life. So sure he was going to get better, for his
sister, for his future, and the store he would never get to open.

Suddenly, Regulus realized how terribly and awfully alone he was. In a country so far from
home, with the only person there who’d loved him now being loaded away in a body bag.
Because Théo was a body now, just another in a long line. Nobody cared who he was,
nobody cared that his sister was waiting up for him. No one cared that he’d had dreams, that
he’d come all the way to America, learned English on his own to get a job. No one cared that
he wanted to get better because he hadn’t, and now he was dead.

One last time… it was just one more time, it wasn’t fair. Théo deserved to live. He deserved
to have the world, just like Pandora and Dorcas, Evan, even Barty who’d once been
Regulus’s friend too. Who’d once shared smiles and jokes, who had always known how soft
and weak Regulus was, yet never said a word. He had kept that knowledge to himself.
Merlin, Regulus had loved Barty, even if he was cruel, even if he was a bad person. Regulus
had loved so many people, and so many of them were dead, and it wasn’t fucking fair!
Regulus didn’t remember going back to his flat. He didn’t remember how he got off that
street corner, watching them take Théo away. All he knew was darkness and the ringing in his
ears, so loud, Merlin, it was so loud. Regulus just wanted it to be quiet.

And then it was.

--

“…under the circumstances—”

“No, I’ve made myself clear. I will take care of him.”

“Look, Ma’am, this isn’t the first time he’s ended up here. I can give you brochures for some
rehabilitation centers that might be helpful.”

“I don’t need them. Whatever disgusting place you wish to send him off to will absolutely not
do. I’ll bring him home and he will be treated, not in your awful American—”

“Okay, Ma’am, there’s no need to get into that. We’ll discuss options with him when he
wakes up. If he wishes to leave America, then of course we have no power to stop him. I only
think it’s important that as a family member, you understand the severity of this situation.”

“I understand it perfectly clear.”

“Okay, well the doctor will be in later. Push the call button if you need anything.”

There was the sound of footsteps and a quiet scoff. “Disgusting, such primitive healing,” a
voice muttered.
Opening his eyes felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done. He felt as if there was cotton in
his throat, like his eyelids had been stitched together. Everything hurt. Every inch of him
ached, and some heavy, intense grief washed over him, but his mind was too fuzzy to
understand what it was.

He must have made some sort of sound as he forced his eyes open, wincing in the sharp
fluorescent light, because there was the sound of clipped footsteps and then a gentle hand on
his face.

It took him a long moment to figure out what he was looking at. A woman in front of him,
light shining around her blonde head like a halo. He blinked.

“Cissa?” It didn’t come out properly, his voice catching on the two syllables.

“Regulus,” she whispered, and he was shocked as her face came into focus, her light grey
eyes filled with a concern he didn’t know what to do with. Cissa didn’t flinch, she never
showed any emotions aside from submission. Now, her face was wide open, full of fear and
something far too soft to belong on a Black. He shouldn’t have been surprised she cared.
She’d partly saved his life after all, yet somehow it felt surreal.

“Muggle hospitals are terrible,” she whispered under her breath, and if Regulus had been able
to breathe properly, he might have laughed. Instead, he let his eyes flutter closed again,
feeling just a little less alone as she took his hand, and he fell back into unconsciousness.

When he woke again, there was sunlight fighting its way into the little hospital room. His
mind was clearer, probably the clearest it’d been in… well, probably at least a year at this
point.

“What’s the date?” Regulus croaked out, and Narcissa jumped, sitting up straight in the chair
at Regulus’s bedside.

“January seventeenth, 1985.”

“Fuck,” Regulus whispered, his voice hoarse. “It’s 1985? How did I miss the new year?”

“Probably the drugs, from what the doctors tell me,” Narcissa said dryly, but there was a hint
of pain at the edges of her words.

“Right,” Regulus winced.

“You have to go to a rehabilitation center,” she said. “I don’t care whether it’s here, in
England, or in France for Merlin’s sake, but you have to go.”

Regulus had a faint memory of her arguing that exact point earlier, but he decided not to
contradict her.

He wanted to fight, to scream that he didn’t need rehab, he didn’t need to be saved. Regulus
could think again, and he hated it, he hated the noise, the sharpness and clarity. He couldn’t
remember the last time he hadn’t been high to at least some extent. He was pretty sure the
most clear-headed he’d been was when they’d flown to America, and that was… god it was
ages ago, at this point. Regulus didn’t want to get better, he didn’t want to live, because Théo
was dead, everyone was dead, and Regulus was alone.

“I don’t need rehab.”

“So you’re not an addict?” Cissa scoffed. “Please, don’t think me so stupid.”

“I didn’t say that, I said I don’t need rehab.”

“Well, you’re going.”

“You can’t force me. I’m an adult, I can do what I want.”

“Including killing yourself?”

“If it’s what I want, then yes! Yes, I fucking can, and you should let me.”

Cissa scoffed again. “Don’t wallow in your self-pity, don’t act like you have nothing.”

“I do have nothing!”

“Really? That’s funny when your brother has spent the last month driving everyone up the
wall looking for you.”

Regulus froze. “What?”

“Yes,” she leaned forward, eyes blazing. “Andromeda said Sirius has been looking for you.
He went to Italy, then France, but the trail was cold. He’s losing his damn mind. Showed up
in my living room about a week ago in the middle of the night, scared my son out of his
mind… he insisted I help.”

“And you did?”

“Of course not, I told him to leave me alone. He didn’t know that I’ve also been searching for
you. Finally got a lead when you used your real name at this hospital. It was lucky for me
you overdosed and ended up here again.”

“Does Sirius know you’re here?”

“No, he has no idea I found you.”

“Will you tell him?”

“Do you think I’m in the habit of telling Sirius anything?”

“Well, I don’t know!” Regulus snapped. “I didn’t think you were in the habit of talking to
Andromeda these days either.”

Narcissa paused. “Well,” she said stiffly, “things have changed. We… talk on occasion.”

“That’s good.”

Her gaze hardened and she scowled at him once again. “You lived, Regulus. More than once,
more than any person probably deserves—”

“Exactly—”

“No, don’t interrupt me. Listen. You got a chance. Do you know how many people got that?
Do you know how many people have no chance of ever getting their siblings back? Sirius
loves you, and despite his many faults, it’s undeniable. A lot of people love you, and you left
them. You’re being selfish.”

“Selfish?” Regulus hissed. “You have no idea what I’ve been through—”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t care. Either you kill yourself or you move on. Tell me right now
which one it is, because I’m not going to beg you to live if you don’t want it. I can’t force
you to get treatment or to go back to your brother. I can’t make you take this chance you
have, but I need to know whether to leave or stay. Are you going to die, Regulus? Or do you
at least want to try to live?”

“I- I don’t even know how!”

“Did you try to figure it out, or did you go straight to drugs?”

Regulus blinked. He didn’t know what to say. It’d been a long time since someone had
refused to enable him.

“It has to be muggle,” he said finally. “The rehab, it has to be muggle.” He took a deep
breath. “And… you can’t tell Sirius, can’t tell anyone.”

“Will you come back to England?”

He sucked in a painful breath. “Fine.” He whispered the word barely loud enough to leave his
lips, but Cissa still heard it, nodding.

“Good.”

“This – this doesn’t mean I’m just going to suddenly be okay. Maybe I’ll get better, and I’ll
hate it.”

“I didn’t ask you to become a perfectly healed version of yourself. I asked you to try,” she
said, and the sharpness had bled from her voice now.

A loud alarm went off in the distance, and they both jumped.

“I fucking hate muggle hospitals,” she muttered, and Regulus was so surprised by the
profanity leaving her mouth that this time, he did laugh.

--
“How is it?”

“Cissa, you need to get me the fuck out of here.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You know, they told me you’re doing very well.”

“Because if you don’t buy into their positivity bullshit, they look at you as if they’re going to
eat you! I smile and nod and do everything they ask. They’re scary!”

“You killed the Dark Lord, don’t tell me you’re afraid of a bunch of smiley doctors.”

“I’m afraid of their program, Cissa, they want me to write apologies and take responsibility
—”

“All good things, most would think.”

“I hate it.”

“I don’t think it’s supposed to be fun.”

“Do you have no sympathy for me?”

“For this? No.”

Regulus scoffed. “I hate this place. Life was much better when I was just high all the time.”

“I think that’s the point of ‘this place’ Regulus.”

“You’re not helpful. I want another visitor. I really wasted my one visit on you?”

“I should remind you that I’m the only person who knows you’re here, and I’m doing a very
good deed by keeping it a secret and entertaining your whining.”

“You’re not entertaining anything.”

“Hm,” she hummed, “you know my five-year-old son complains less than you.”

Regulus just scoffed and refused to speak another word to her for the rest of the visit.

Despite his complaints, it did get a little easier. As much as he hated the exercises, and most
of all group therapy, Regulus understood that he was definitely there for a reason. He was
shocked by how many people had similar stories (albeit minus the magical war Regulus had
experienced).

On his sixth week, Regulus spoke about Théo during group for the first time.

“He was going to get better. He had all these dreams, and then he overdosed, and that was
that… he was a good friend. I wanted him to get better, even though I felt like I was being
abandoned. He deserved to get out of it. He said it was going to be his last time and then-
then he died. I don’t know how- how do you live past that?”

To Regulus’s shock, many people had similar stories. Friends, family, loved ones who had
passed away because of drugs. Watching people they knew literally die in front of them, and
as terrible as it was, Regulus felt a little less alone.

On his tenth week, Regulus was set free.

Regulus was sitting, his few belongings in a bag, waiting for Narcissa and he imagined how
easy it would be to get up and run. He could disappear again, and Cissa wouldn’t chase after
him again. She’d given her one chance. It was up to Regulus to do with it what he pleased.

He could perfectly picture himself taking off, disappearing into nothingness, his name never
to be spoken again. Instead, he sat still, unmoving.

When Narcissa walked through the doors a few minutes later, she blinked at him, as if she
hadn’t really expected him to be there.

“I’m just as surprised as you,” Regulus muttered, standing.

She stepped forward, her heels clicking on the tiled floor, and she did the very last thing
Regulus expected: she pulled him into a tight hug. She smelled just as she had as a teenager,
sweet like flowers and vanilla, and he hugged her back tightly.

She sniffled as she pulled away, quickly fixing her hair and dabbing at her face. “Come on,
I’ve set up a guest room for you.”

“I…” Regulus hadn’t really considered where he’d go from there, but he hadn’t expected
Narcissa to put him up. “You don’t have to.”

“I know,” was her only reply.

Regulus knew Narcissa had left Malfoy Manor in the wake of her husband’s disappearance
(dead some said, hiding others thought. Regulus thought it strange that he couldn’t even
remember if Lucius died in the corridor on the seventh floor, if he’d still been there when it
collapsed.) Yet he was still surprised by the warmth and much smaller size of her new house.
He could see a beautiful garden sprawling across the back lawn through the gate, but it was
hardly much bigger than an average house, classy and well cared for of course, but
surprisingly humble.
“Are you tired?” She asked as they stepped through the front door

“A little,” he admitted.

“Draco will be home in a few hours. If you want to rest, it’s best you do it now. He’s a very
excitable child, much like you were.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t excitable, I was quiet.”

She glanced at him, something dark passing over her face. “Not always. You learned to be
quiet.”

“Survival skills,” Regulus muttered.

“Yes,” she said shortly. “Draco will never have to do that. He can be loud at times, and I’ll be
honest, I’m not quick to shush him. Lucius… he would, but not me. I hope you don’t mind. I
won’t ever try to contain him. He’s a sweet, beautiful boy… he really does remind me a lot of
you.”

Regulus didn’t know what to do with the last bit, so he just nodded. “I don’t mind loud. I
lived in a house with Harry for months, and he was also a bit loud at times, it’s how kids are.
How they should be allowed to be.”

“Harry? You mean Potter’s son?”

Regulus swallowed. “Yes.”

Her eyes flicked down to the star ring on Regulus’s finger. “James Potter was wearing that, in
the cellar.”
“I know, I gave it to him.”

“So he said. I hadn’t realized he was so important to you.”

“He was… he is.”

“Okay,” was all she said in reply. “Come, I’ll show you to your room.”

--

Isa had had her fair share of strangeness. Living in the same tiny off-the-grid town her entire
life, she was used to strangers passing through, always with something to hide or something
to find. Her parents had owned the pub before her, and she used to sit at the tables during the
day, doing her studies or helping with some chore or another. She saw many different faces
with different stories, and she watched her parents accept them without question.

As a girl, she’d once asked her mother why after a suspicious man had come through, looking
behind his shoulder until he was safely locked into one of the Inn’s rooms.

“Everyone has something to hide, Isa,” her mother had said, briskly. “We have something to
hide. Do you think no one has ever noticed some of the strange things in our family? That
there aren’t whispers of our magic? People know, but we respect their secrets and they
respect ours. That’s how it works.”

She’d been too young to truly get it at the time, but eventually, she would.

When her parents had passed on the family’s Inn to her, she’d taken up their mantle just the
same. She didn’t ask, didn’t prod. She accepted whoever came in without a second thought.
Some were more remarkable than others, but for the most part, no one stood out.
There were only a few faces she felt stuck in her mind. Regulus was one of those. He’d been
so young when he first came in, still a teenager really. Haunted, heavy with a weight Isa
hadn’t understood. There had been something sharp about him, but it was worn down, dulled
by whatever lurked over his shoulders. Frankly, Isa had been wary of him at first; a boy that
young looking so jumpy could only mean trouble, and as accepting as she was, she didn’t
want anything to follow him into her hometown. Regulus, however, kept his head down and
stayed quiet. He didn’t pick fights or cause trouble, and he spoke Italian almost as well as a
native. It didn’t take long for Isa to admittedly take quite a liking to him.

Most people weren’t like Regulus. They didn’t stick in her head the same way, she didn’t get
to know them. That was why when two men stepped into her Inn one slow morning, she
paused, scrutinizing them. They were familiar, she was sure she’d seen them before but
couldn’t remember when. The shorter of the two had long hair, falling in loose curls, and
light grey eyes that Isa was sure had girls falling after him. There were lines of ink stretching
up his arm and into the sleeve of his shirt, but it wasn’t the tattoos that made Isa sure he was
dangerous. It was the way he held himself. So perfectly careless that she knew it was
practiced. There was something incredibly familiar about the way he straightened when they
made eye contact, but she couldn’t place it until he spoke.

“Isa, right? Do you have a moment to talk?” His voice had a British tilt to it, but there was
something more rounded in his accent as well, like some of his words stayed towards the
back of his throat… It was French. Isa knew only one other person who was both British and
French, whose accent, though more careful and stronger, had the same hidden bit of French at
the edges when he was uncertain.

“Who are you?” She asked in English, refusing to beat around the bush.

“Sirius Black.”

Ah, another star… “You’re related to Regulus? A brother?”

“Yes,” he said quickly, and Isa could tell despite the confidence he’d walked in with, he was
nervous. “He’s my little brother. I’ve been looking for him.”

“Hm,” she nodded before turning and heading towards the pub’s back office. “Come, your
friend too,” she beckoned, and they quickly hurried after her. “Sit,” Isa demanded as she shut
the office door behind them, and the two men quickly obeyed.

“Uh- so do you happen to know where he is?” Sirius asked. Isa sat at her desk, surveying him
for a moment before turning to the other man who had unkempt hair and a pair of glasses
perched on his nose.

“We’ve met before.”

Sirius’s friend frowned at that. “Uh, yes sorry- we came here looking for our friend some
years back and caused a bit of trouble, I think.”

She had a vague recollection of the events. It hadn’t been long after Regulus had taken off in
the night with that Englishman.

“Hm, and what’s your name?”

The man blinked, pushing his glasses up his nose. “James, ma’am.”

Isa smiled a little at that. Where Regulus and Sirius had the same intensity about them, James
was the exact opposite of Sirius’s vehement gaze. He seemed a bit of a mess but genuine as
he flashed her a polite smile.

Isa sighed sitting back in her chair. “I wish I could help you, as you came all this way, but
Regulus left some time ago,” she told the boys grimly. “He’s… a flighty boy, no?”

Sirius scoffed at that. “Pain in my ass is what he is,” he muttered under his breath, and James
elbowed him in the side, shaking his head.

“What happened? He was here, right?” James asked.

“Yes, for some time. He was packing. I think Regulus intended to leave, but he didn’t. He
was heavy with something. He says to me that he won your war? It was clear he was
suffering, so I tried not to pry, but he was very far away. He went to France, that’s all I know.
It was supposed to be a few weeks, but he didn’t come back.”

“France…” Sirius repeated.

“Don’t you have a home there?” James asked Sirius quietly.

“We did, it’s where we spent the first decade of our lives, but… it’ll be completely
abandoned now. I don’t see why he would have gone there.”

“Well,” Isa interjected, “that’s all I know, but you’re welcome to go through his house.
Maybe he left something you can use to find him.”

“Okay,” Sirius agreed, but his voice was barely above a whisper, and the poor boy looked
exhausted.

“Why don’t you have dinner first?” Isa suggested, standing briskly. “You must be tired. First
food, then I’ll take you to his house.”

The two boys quickly agreed, and Isa smiled, trying to give them some comfort. It was clear
they were distressed over Regulus’s disappearance. She cast a wish up to the heavens as she
led them out of the office, that wherever Regulus was, he was safe.

Going into Grimmauld Place for the first time in years had been hard. Sometimes Sirius
thought about what might have happened if he’d refused, if he had kept that house locked up,
and Remus had never stepped inside, never found Regulus’s notes, and started a hunt that
knocked the first domino… after that, they just kept falling.
Sirius swore he could hear one fall as he breathed in the brisk French air, stepping into the
Black Manor. The click nicked the bone of his skull, pressing in behind his eyes. He tried not
to cough at the cloud of dust that their presence kicked up, and Sirius held his breath. He
didn’t want to breathe anything in, he didn’t want the memories to root themselves into his
lungs.

The entryway was grand as ever, even covered in years of grime. Two large staircases
stretched up from either side of the vast hall, meeting in the middle. Vines had begun to grow
up the railings, and Sirius could have sworn he saw a flash of a shadow running up the stairs.
A little boy with wild curls and a quiet gleeful laugh.

Sirius blinked. The staircase was empty.

The only happy memories from his childhood had happened here, just Sirius and Regulus left
under Kreacher’s care while their parents were away. Those were the only times Sirius felt
they got to be children.

The room was blurry, and Sirius rubbed at his eyes, surprised when his hand came away wet
with tears.

“Pads,” James whispered, and then Sirius was falling to his knees, sobs wracking through his
body.

James was dropping next to him, instantly pulling Sirius tightly to his chest. “I’d do it all
differently, I’d change it all. Why did I do that, why?” he sobbed, his voice muffled by
James’s shirt.

“Sirius… change what? You haven’t done anything.”

“I left him! I know, I know, he’s not my failure or whatever you want to say, but I didn’t get
enough time, I never got enough time! You would think I would have learned, but I didn’t,
and what if this is it? What if Regulus is gone, Prongs, and I’ve lost my brother for good? I
can’t do it again!”

“Okay, okay, we don’t know he’s gone. You’ve done your best, Sirius,” James said gently,
leaning back to look Sirius in the eye. “You rose above your issues when he came back,
you’ve tried so hard. The Sirius I knew five years ago wouldn’t have been able to do that, but
you did. You’ve shown Regulus how much you love him many times since came into your
life again. He knows… you just have to hope he’ll find his way back to you. He always does,
doesn’t he?”

“What if this time he doesn’t?”

“I don’t believe you’d ever let that happen, Pads.”

Sirius sniffed, wiping at his eyes and taking a shaky breath. “I think I’m a terrible person.”

“I can assure you, you’re not,” James said, his voice firm. “But why do you think that?”

“Because I- sometimes…” Sirius began, his voice small. “Sometimes, I think that if he’d
never come back from the dead, it would have been easier. I never would have thought of him
as my Regulus again. I would have been content to believe him a traitor and Death Eater for
the rest of my life, and I wouldn’t have to grieve my brother.”

“Pads… you were grieving.”

“No–” Sirius began, remembering how carelessly he’d treated his brother’s death.

“Yes,” James countered. “Maybe you didn’t recognize it. You were repressing your feelings, I
think. You didn’t know how to mourn him, but I saw it, Sirius, I know that it hurt you. I think
if he hadn’t come back, the full force of it would have hit you eventually. Everyone grieves
differently, and your relationship with Regulus was and is so complex. It’s no surprise that
you didn’t recognize your grief.”
Sirius shook his head, sniffling. “I don’t think I was sad.”

“You’re sad now, and those feelings didn’t come from nowhere. You didn’t suddenly start
loving him again, you’ve always loved Regulus, you’re just able to better recognize it now
that you have him back. You’re not a terrible person. In fact, watching you with Regulus,
seeing how much you’ve grown and how accepting you were of him, even after everything…
it made me incredibly proud of you, Pads. You’re such a wonderful, loving person, and don’t
you fucking forget it.”

“But it wasn’t easy to do those things,” Sirius protested, and James was shaking his head
before he could even continue.

“You Blacks,” James scoffed. “Everybody has to try sometimes, the important part is that
you’ve done it.”

Sirius blinked, wiping at his face as James squeezed his shoulder. “You’re proud of me?” He
asked quietly, and James beamed.

“Pads, light of my life, I am so fucking proud.” That was enough for Sirius to smile faintly as
James pulled him up. “Come on, Sirius. Let’s look around, then we can get out of here.”

Sirius nodded, and they set off into the large house, footsteps echoing off the high ceiling.
The place was pretty much empty, as it’d been cleaned out by Bella and Narcissa in the wake
of his parents’ and Regulus’s deaths. Sirius had no idea what he was looking for, and
evidently, James didn’t either because he paused, turning to Sirius once they had walked
through the entire house.

“Do you think he’s been here?”

“No,” Sirius said flatly. “I don’t know why I would have expected him to. Regulus always
loved France, and maybe even this house, at least compared to Grimmauld… but he’s a
runner, isn’t he? He hates looking back.”
 “So, where would he have gone?”

Sirius shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice choked. “I really don’t
know.”

Chapter End Notes

Happy Friday babes and happy Passover or (early) easter if you celebrate!

I'm a bit attached to this chapter so I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed working
on it. It's particularly devastating but also extremely important to Regulus's character.
You can definitely point out a couple of moments in here with Regulus (and especially
between Reg and Sirius) that are DETRIMENTAL to the kind of person he has become
and his relationship with Sirius.

Sorry for the devastation and angst, there's a bit more downhill to go, but we're getting
closer to happiness now! On the bright side, Théo is actually our last death of this fic, so
you can rest easy now ;)

Please, please, let me know if you have any critiques on how I depicted Regulus's
addiction, I would never want to show it in a way that's harmful to people who have
suffered through this and I'm always willing to listen if anyone has comments.

Thanks as always to my amazing beta @pastelanxiete who really helped me turn this
chapter into something I could be proud of.

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“I’m going out!” Sirius called.

“Where?” Lily’s muffled voice asked in reply.

“Andy’s!”

“Pads, don’t bug her again!” James yelled.

“I’m not, I’m just visiting!”

“Can you all stop fucking yelling?” Remus’s voice came from the kitchen.

“You’re yelling, too!” Lily pointed out.

Usually, Sirius would have been happy to stay and argue, but today he was on a mission, so
he pulled on his cloak and headed towards the floo. He wasn’t bugging Andy, she knew he
was coming.

“Hey Sirius,” Ted greeted as he stepped out into their living room.

“Hey, happy Saturday.”

“For some,” he shook his head. “Dora is in a tiff today.”

“How come?”

“Got detention. Andy is obviously not happy, and they’ve been sending letters back and forth
all day.”

“Ah the good old ‘I swear I got detention for a good reason’ dance,” Sirius smirked.

“Indeed,” Ted sighed.

“Sirius, is that you?” Andy’s voice came from the other room, and she appeared around the
corner a second later. “Thank Merlin, you won’t believe the day I’ve had.”

She launched into an explanation of Dora’s escapades, and Sirius tried not to giggle as he’d
done far, far worse as a student.

“Anyway,” Andy sighed after she’d finished her tangent on Dora’s lack of perspective,
“enough about me. How have you been?”

“Oh, you know,” Sirius shrugged, “life keeps going doesn’t it?”

She frowned. “Nothing on Regulus?”

Sirius swallowed “No.”

“I’m sorry,” she said softly.

“Me too.”

He quickly changed the topic after that, and the rest of the afternoon was really quite
pleasant. Sirius found that those days tended to come a little more often lately. When he felt
like he could push away everything else and just exist. Well, almost everything; Regulus was
always there, lurking in the corners of his mind.

“Oh,” Andy said as Sirius was preparing to leave, “could you do me a huge favor? Drop
these at Cissa’s?” She pointed to a basket with jam. “She was supposed to come get them, but
I think she forgot. I’d do it, but I just started dinner—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sirius said quickly. “I’ll pop by her place.”

“Thanks, Sirius, you’re a lifesaver.”

He snorted, “Don’t know about that, but I’ve got it. I’ll see you next week, yeah?”

“Course.”

“Bye, Sirius,” Ted called, and Sirius left feeling warm, a feeling he was slowly getting used
to.

Sirius decided to do Narcissa the service of not scaring her to death this time, instead
apparating outside and knocking on the door.

Narcissa was usually prickly, but he was surprised by how quickly she tried to shut the door
in his face when she registered who it was.

“Whoa,” Sirius said, catching the door before it could snap closed. “I’m not coming to
terrorize you, I swear, I just have some jam or something from Andy.”
“Okay,” she held her hand out for the basket and Sirius frowned.

“Rude, you’re not even going to invite me in?”

“No.”

“C’mon Narcissa, I did have something I wanted to talk to you about, too. Please?”

She glared sharply. “Fine, but make it quick,” she said, throwing the front door back open
forcefully. Sirius, long accustomed to the attitude of Blacks, just smiled and stepped inside.

“So, what is it you wanted?”

“Well, okay, firstly I wanted to apologize—”

“Apologize?” She scoffed.

“Yes, apologize, I know so very unlike me… but Andy has scolded me greatly for invading
your home some months ago, and it was probably a bit rude of me.”

“Fine, apology accepted. Is that it? You can leave now.”

“I thought you were supposed to be the polite one.”

“Not anymore,” she said, and she looked far too gleeful over that. “There’s no one left to
force me to be polite.”
“Okay, fair–” Sirius conceded. The rest of his sentence was cut off at the sound of the front
door opening. Narcissa froze, eyes wide.

Sirius barely had time to frown before footsteps were heading toward them.

“Cissa! Where are you? You’ll never believe what this guy in my druggie group said today–
and I know, I know, I shouldn’t call it a druggie group because you think that’s distasteful—”

Regulus Black froze as he rounded the corner.

Sirius didn’t know how long they all stood there in suffocating silence, but whatever part of
Sirius that usually caused him to ramble seemed to stop working, because he couldn’t get a
single word out.

Regulus… Well, frankly, he looked awful.

Sirius had never seen him so thin, his cheeks hollow, his skin far too pale. He looked sickly,
dark bags under his eyes.

“Reg?” Sirius finally choked out.

Panic flashed across Regulus’s face, his eyes darting to Narcissa and then the door before
back to Sirius. He seemed to come to a decision after a moment because he surprisingly
didn’t turn and leave.

“I– we don’t have to talk or anything,” Sirius whispered, taking in the tension in his little
brother’s shoulders. “I can leave now, I didn’t realize you were here, but um– I’m really,
really glad you’re okay.”
And with that, something in Regulus’s expression cracked, and before Sirius knew what was
happening, Regulus was throwing himself into his arms. The force knocked Sirius backward,
and he quickly caught himself on the kitchen counter before hugging Regulus back just as
tightly.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Sirius whispered frantically into Regulus’s hair, pulling
him in as tight as possible.

“I love you,” Regulus said back hoarsely, barely even a whisper.

At some point, Narcissa must have stepped out because when they finally broke their
embrace, the kitchen was empty, the house strangely still around them. Regulus moved to
step back, and it took everything in Sirius not to grab for him.

“I think you should go,” Regulus whispered.

Sirius swallowed around the knot in his throat. “Okay, I– yes, okay.”

“But you can come back,” Regulus said quickly. “Maybe… next weekend?”

“Okay,” Sirius agreed instantly because that was more than he’d hoped for.

“But only you, no one else. Sorry.”

“Don’t. Don’t apologize for that. You have some things to apologize for, but not now and not
yet. I’m just… I didn’t know where you were, and I’ll sleep better now knowing you’re safe.”

“Are you mad?”

“A little, I was,” Sirius admitted. “But mostly I’m just relieved you’re here.”

“Okay,” Regulus whispered, and something about him was so small, beaten down… god,
Sirius couldn’t imagine what had happened to him in the past year to do this. “Uh, give Cissa
my love.”

Regulus blinked. “…really?” he said suspiciously.

“Yes,” Sirius sighed. “I’m afraid she’s not quite as awful as I believed.”

The expression that crossed Regulus’s face wasn’t a smile, but it seemed to hint at one and
Sirius took that as his cue to leave, before he could end things on a worse note.

“Bye, Sirius.”

“Bye, Reggie.”

The last thing Regulus expected when he returned from therapy was for his brother to be
standing in the kitchen.

As soon as he froze, taking in the sight, however, he thought that maybe it shouldn’t have
been unexpected at all.

Regulus Black had a thing for hiding. The universe seemed to have one for forcing him to be
found.

He’d never understood why it was him.

When Regulus was young, he’d hide away. If Sirius was all fight, down to his bones, then
Regulus was flight. He’d run, lock himself in his closet, drop his head to his knees and
pretend the world didn’t exist past the darkness around him.

Eventually, he’d always be found.

Sirius’s voice breaking through the darkness.

“Reg?”

His first instinct had been panic. Regulus didn’t want his loved ones to see him like this, he
couldn’t have stomached even the thought when he got up that morning. Of seeing any of
them again.

But when Sirius spoke, Regulus was a child again. Breathing shallow, eyes clenched tight.
Sirius would wait outside the door until Regulus was ready to open it, usually sporting a new
limp or split lip. He’d always smile though, hold out a hand, gentle and warm.

“Come on out Reggie, I’ve got you.”

He always did.

So, in the moment, Regulus did the last thing he expected himself to, yet the thing he should
have foreseen. Because just like every other time Sirius found him in the dark, Regulus
launched himself into the safety of his big brother’s arms. Whenever, wherever Regulus was,
Sirius was always the light. The star shining down from above, the blinding point in the sky
pointing in the direction of home.

So, Regulus’s resolve crumbled the second he locked eyes with Sirius. He hadn’t felt lonely,
hadn’t allowed himself to. He had Théo, that was enough.
But now, Théo was dead. Regulus was loney, not alone, but isolated, trapped.

Théo was dead and his sister was somewhere in New York City with her kid and a dead
brother she’d never get the chance to see again. Regulus had spent a very long time being the
dead brother, he didn’t want to be that anymore.

He wanted to see Remus and get scolded mercilessly, he wanted Lily’s gentle smile and
blazing eyes. Regulus wanted James, wanted to be looked at as if he were something sacred.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, longing turned to fear. Because James didn’t look at
him like that anymore. Maybe he could have if Regulus hadn’t left, but what was done was
done. Regulus had left, he had started using again, he’d torn himself open and spilled his
insides into the shadows of dirty streets and skeevy strangers.

James stopped looking at Regulus like that at sixteen when most of his time was spent wiping
Regulus’s tears and hiding any traces of the drugs.

Regulus couldn’t put his burdens on James Potter ever again, he couldn’t stomach it.

So, he told Sirius that James couldn’t come, and he was glad Sirius didn’t ask, because he
didn’t think he could explain the feeling rising in his throat. Something scalding and equal
parts shame as much as it was fear, terror, that this time James might see exactly who
Regulus Black really was.

Not someone you have a house or a family with, not someone who deserves ‘I love you’s and
James Potter’s smiles.

Regulus was sick, twisted and broken. James, even after everything, even with his own
brokenness, still shined like the sun. Regulus could never look directly at him.

–
It took a lot of willpower to walk through the front door and leave Regulus behind. It took
even more to apparate away, but somehow, Sirius did it. He left his little brother, so sickly
thin, so haunted, standing there in Cissa’s kitchen.

He walked back up the path, took the steps to the front porch, and opened up the door to Lily
and James’ house… or well, really, their house by then.

He took off his shoes, hung up his cloak, and made himself some tea. Forcing himself not to
turn around and go right back to Regulus. Sirius counted his breaths, sitting down in the
living room where James, Lily, and Remus were chatting easily.

“How’s Andromeda?” Lily asked as Sirius sat down.

“Good,” Sirius said, setting his teacup on the coffee table, trying to sound casual. “Dora
keeps getting detention, apparently.”

Sirius had never felt more known at that moment as suddenly all three of them froze,
knowing something was wrong instantly just by the careful tone of his voice.

“Did something happen?” James asked, sitting up straight, dark brow furrowed in concern.
“What’s wrong?”

“I–” Sirius shook his head laughing humorlessly, “I accidentally found Regulus.”

James’ mouth fell open. “What?” he whispered, eyes wide.

“I went to Cissa’s to drop off some jam, and he was there. I think he’s been staying there.
Can’t have been for long though. I did notice Narcissa was acting very weird when I got there
today, trying to get me out. She wasn’t like that when I came by some months ago.”
“Did you talk to him? What did he say?” Lily asked, forehead creased with the intensity of
her concern. “Is he alright?”

“We didn’t really talk. He seemed to freak a little when he realized I was there, so I tried to
leave but he hugged me. That was all really, said he loved me and asked if I was mad. He said
I can come back next weekend though… so I think that’s good. He doesn’t want me out of his
life or anything… but he– he didn’t look well—” Sirius broke off as he choked up, quickly
taking a deep breath.

He couldn’t get the look in Regulus’s eyes out of his mind, haunted and on edge. Like he’d
been waiting for someone to pounce.

Even worse, making Sirius want to get up and tear the living room apart was when that look
had shattered, and for a second, Sirius knew they were both somewhere else. Somewhere
where the Black brothers were still children and Sirius was the only one to treat Regulus
gently, to wipe his tears and hold him close.

So often over the past few years, Sirius wished he could have simply put an arm around his
brother and cracked a bad joke, breaking through his icy demeanor. But it’d been a long time
since Sirius could help Regulus that way. A long time since Regulus laughed at his jokes.

Sirius didn’t know how to properly get across what it was like seeing his brother again.

“Regulus, he looked sick,” Sirius continued for lack of a better word. “He’s awfully thin and
pale. He was talking about some drug support group or something, so I don’t know if he’s
been using again… but it must be, right? Cause he’s been clean since he was eighteen, it
wouldn’t make sense for him to go to a support group now if he’d been clean for years.”

“He wasn’t,” James whispered, and Sirius looked up.

The world spun, something clicked out of place. You’d think he would have been used to the
things he thought he knew being turned on their heads
“What?” he whispered. No, no no. What did this mean? What else did Sirius not know?

“He hasn’t been clean since he was eighteen… Look, don’t be mad, okay? Regulus didn’t
want anyone to know.”

“Know what?” Sirius snapped, but he wasn’t dumb. In fact, contrary to popular belief, Sirius
Black was very clever. But at the moment, the world was spinning and he couldn’t get it to
stop.

“Barty drugged him.”

It was Remus who was up first, eyes blazing, fury radiating off him, though Sirius didn’t
think it was at James.

“Excuse me? Excuse me?”

“Look, I didn’t want to say at the time. Regulus has always been extremely conscious about
his addiction, he carries so much shame over it so I– I healed the track marks…” James
admitted. “I wanted to give him some power back over the situation, and honestly I wasn’t
really thinking straight at the moment, because you know I– I used to do that in school. So I
just… did.”

The rage seeped out of Remus’s voice instantly. “You used to do it…” he repeated, and Sirius
understood the pain in his voice, the fact was devastating. For both Regulus and James, that
they’d ever been in that situation.

“Yes,” James said quietly, and as angry as Sirius felt over James keeping this from them, he
also understood by now just how far his friend would go to protect Regulus, understood why
he’d kept quiet.

“It wasn’t so serious at first, back then.” James continued, his voice low, “Regulus started
taking calming draughts when he started getting pushed to take the mark, but some of the
older Slytherins, they got Regulus into other stuff, too… harder drugs.” James barely seemed
to force out the last part, clearing his throat as he looked down at his hands. “He’d always
promise to stop. I knew towards the end that he hadn’t, but it just was out of my hands. I
couldn’t get through to him. He’d still come to me though, even when things were really bad
with us. He’d get too high, start to panic, and come to me. I’d sit with him through it. The
worst obviously came after Regulus left Hogwarts…

“Point is, I was familiar with it,” James went on. “So when I realized what Barty had done, I
didn’t say anything. I thought Regulus might want to eventually, but obviously, so much was
going on and I– I knew he was struggling with it a little, being clean, starting from square one
again…” James’s mouth twisted, he looked upset with himself, frustrated for not seeing it
coming. “We didn’t exactly have time to talk about it because not a few days later, Voldemort
was dead and Regulus was gone… so.” James just shook his head. “It wasn’t my business to
tell. I’m sorry.”

“I get it,” Sirius spoke, and James’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You do?”

For the first time, with absolute clarity, Sirius was suddenly sure that he did. He understood
that he was never truly going to get James and Regulus, but they seemed to get each other.
Whatever that meant, James had probably made the right choice in not telling them.

As much as in Sirius’s head, James was his and Regulus was his, they existed outside of him,
too. Sirius was possessive; he was old enough to be aware of that by now, even if that didn’t
stop him from feeling that way. Sirius knew Regulus in a way no one else ever did. He’d
raised him, been the first person to love and cherish him. But James knew Regulus in a way
even Sirius didn’t. James had been there when Sirius hadn’t, and so he had to trust that his
best friend had made the choice he thought was best, using his own knowledge of Regulus.
Especially if he hadn’t thought Regulus in immediate danger of using again. James would
have seen it as simply protecting the younger man.

“Yeah, I do.”

--
“You’re freaking out.”

Regulus frowned. “I’m not.”

“You are. This was your decision, it’s just Sirius.”

“Just Sirius? Just. No one has uttered the word ‘just’ in front of Sirius’s name since he started
fucking talking.”

Cissa sighed. “Okay, then let me correct myself. It’s just your brother, the one you know
better than anyone, the one who loves you to hell and back. Really, you should be happy he
managed to stay away the rest of the week. I thought he’d be banging on my door the next
morning.”

“I think he’s trying to… respect my wishes or something.”

“Exactly,” Narcissa said pointedly. “It’s Sirius, your big brother who’s evidently missed you,
and whom I know you’ve missed. Worst comes to worst, call me in and I’ll kick his ass.”

There was a knock on the door, and she stood. “I think that’s my cue.”

As Narcissa made herself scarce, Regulus tried to force down his anxiety. When he opened
the door, Sirius blinked down at him, eyes wide as if he expected Regulus to be a figment of
his imagination.

“Hi.”

“Uh… come in?”

Sirius nodded, stepping inside. “You’re being awkward.”

“Sorry, I don’t know what to say to my once estranged now partially estranged brother who I
spent years hating, then didn’t hate and then ran away from.”

“You could start with a hello.”

Regulus sighed. “Hi, Sirius.”

Sirius grinned. “Hi Reg, glad to see you’re still here. Almost thought I’d hallucinated you.”

“Do you hallucinate often?”

“Well not that I know of, but then again… how would I know?”

“I think you’d know.”

“You don’t know that.”

Regulus rolled his eyes dramatically, and he couldn’t help but feel some of his nervousness
fade away as Sirius laughed carelessly, free and loud as ever.

“Damn, and here I was wondering if you’d lost some of your bitchiness over the past year.”

“Some things are in a person’s DNA,” Regulus said, starting towards the kitchen.
“That’s good, I think James would be disappointed if you started being nice to him.” Sirius
said, following at his heels and hopping on one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

Regulus was quiet for a moment as he sat down “How… how is James?”

“Hm,” Sirius was suddenly uncharacteristically serious as his eyes flicked over Regulus’
face. “He’s doing okay.”

“Really? Honestly?”

“Right now, yeah.” Sirius nodded. “He wasn’t for a while, wasn’t sleeping, having
nightmares… I mean he still has a lot of trouble, maybe those things won’t go away, but he’s
smiling again, reading and humming while he cooks.”

“Does he still…” Regulus waved a hand unsure how to word it, “disappear into himself, have
ups and downs?”

“Sometimes, but a lot less. I mean, you were there when he started taking the potions. He’s
still seeing his healer, and he has it under much better control. He talks about it a lot more
now too, being Bipolar. I never even thought I’d hear him say the words once but… I think
he’s more comfortable with the idea now.”

“That’s good,” Regulus whispered, and it was. Once, James hadn’t even been able to admit
anything was wrong, much less talk freely about his disorder. “Has he—” Regulus stopped
suddenly, unable to get the question out. “I mean, is he…”

Sirius leaned forward, the corner of his mouth turned down in a frown. “Has he what?”

“Been seeing anybody?” Regulus asked in such a rush of words that it fell out in a jumbled
mess.
Sirius blinked at Regulus blankly, and at first he didn’t think his brother had understood him,
but a moment later he burst into peals of laughter. Regulus crossed his arms, trying to ignore
the flush of his cheeks.

“What?” he hissed, and Sirius just shook his head, still giggling.

“Oh my god, I have never met a more daft person in my entire fucking life. James seeing
somebody? Like dating? Regulus, he broke up with his girlfriend, the mother of his son,
because you were the love of his life, even when he thought you were dead. No, he’s not
seeing anybody, you idiot.”

Regulus turned even redder. “Well, how should I know? I ran off, I don’t expect him to wait
for me. In fact, I expect him to be pretty angry, in all honesty.”

“I don’t think he is,” Sirius said, reaching out to poke Regulus gently in the arm. “But
obviously that’s a conversation you need to have with him.”

“Did you tell everyone I’m here?”

“Yes, but don’t worry, no one will show up until you’re ready.”

“Okay,” Regulus took a deep breath. “How’s everyone else?”

“We’re all the same really, or not exactly. Like on the outside not much has changed. Remus
and I moved out of our flat, we’re all still living at James and Lily’s place. Harry is the same
but a little older and with a much larger vocabulary. He’s a smart kid, that one… Lily is
working at St. Mungo’s again, Remus has been working at the magical archives, I’m back at
the Ministry. James is staying home with Harry, think he might do that until he goes to
Hogwarts. He doesn’t seem to want to work at the Ministry anymore. Overall, I guess
everyone is just trying their best. It doesn’t always work, but the first year after the war, that
was the hardest… like we were all living underwater, trying to figure out how to breathe
again, or even just swim, but no one could move. Once we made it past that though I think
we all sort of realized all we could do was keep living. I mean, what were the other options?”
Regulus nodded, remembering waking up in the hospital. “That’s similar to what Cissa told
me,” Regulus admitted. “She said I needed to decide if I was going to kill myself or try to
live, but either way, I had to make a decision.”

“You decided to live?”

“No, not really. But I decided to try. I thought I owed it to myself, to all the people who didn’t
get a chance to try.”

“Can…” Sirius paused. “Will you tell me what happened? Why you didn’t come back?”

“I meant to,” Regulus said quietly, “I really did… I went to Italy first, spent a little while
there, even started packing up my house. I felt frozen though, stuck. Like there was no way
for me to push forward. I thought I’d just… I don’t know, get away for a while, exist outside
of being Regulus Black. I traveled a bit, ended up in France. I started going out, drinking… It
was over as soon as I decided that I could handle a little bit of drinking. I couldn’t. Drinking
led to drugs, and honestly, I can hardly tell you what happened after that. I met some
muggles, and I lived with them for a while. We went to America together, which is where I
was when Cissa found me.”

“How did she find you?”

“I gave my real name in a hospital. I don’t know exactly how she did it, but you know the
kind of connections she has. Once I was checked in the second time, she was there.”

“Why were you in the hospital?” Sirius asked quietly. “The drugs?”

“Yes,” Regulus said shortly.

Seeming to understand he wasn’t keen on going over that particular experience, Sirius
thankfully moved on. “So when was this? How long have you been here?”

“Not long, it was some months ago, but… well I’ve been in rehab. I just got out a few weeks
ago.”

“So, now you’re…”

“Clean?” Regulus swallowed. “Yeah I am.”

“For good?”

Regulus laughed at that, shaking his head. “One would hope,” he sighed. “I thought it was for
good last time too, and it came back even worse than before, but…” he shrugged helplessly.
“I hope it’s for good, yes.”

“I…” Sirius bit his lip, eyes dark as he looked over Regulus. “I think I didn’t understand how
serious it was before,” he admitted. “I mean, you mentioned you were clean and I remember
getting those talks about potion addictions in school, but it seemed like something far away
that you didn’t have to worry about anymore. We never really talked about it, though to be
fair there were a lot of things we didn’t have the time to talk about but… uh– don’t be mad at
him, but James told me about Barty…”

Regulus grimaced, twisting his hands together. “Right,” he said thickly,“that’s fine. I mean,
he shouldn’t have had to keep my secret. Have you known the entire time?”

“Oh, no,” Sirius said quickly, “he told me literally last week when I came home from seeing
you.”

Regulus frowned. “Really?”

“Yeah, he only said something because I mentioned what you said about your drug group.
Are you surprised he kept quiet that long?”

“I mean… a little? I was under the impression the two of you had a sort of no-secrets policy
now.”

“Well yes, but we also have an understanding now– or well, I have an understanding, I guess,
that there are things between the two of you that I have no place in.”

“Ouch, how much did it hurt you to force that out?”

Sirius wrinkled his nose. “A lot,” he admitted, and Regulus laughed at his expression. “But
hey! I’m an adult, I can be mature about things. Really, I think I’ve gained a lot of
perspective.”

Regulus sighed. “I mean, mature is pushing it, but maybe you’ve gained a little bit of
perspective.”

“I think I’ve grown,” Sirius said haughtily, lifting his chin.

Regulus rolled his eyes, but he didn’t contradict him and that was enough to make Sirius grin
widely.

It was true though, Sirius had grown. They all had, in both good and bad ways. Regulus
couldn’t have imagined this conversation going so well not so long ago. Hell, five years ago
he’d thought he’d never see his brother again, much less have a relationship.

“I didn’t want you to understand,” Regulus said after a silence so long that Sirius startled
when Regulus spoke again.

“Huh?”
“About my addiction,” Regulus clarified. “You said you didn’t understand how serious it
was. I didn’t want you to. I still don’t think you entirely do because you never had to see my
worsts, and I’m glad. That’s part of why I stayed away so long… I wasn’t sure I was capable
of getting better, and I couldn’t let you see me like that.” Sirius opened his mouth to speak,
and Regulus quickly cut him off. “No, no wait Sirius– listen, it’s not that I didn’t think you’d
accept me or that you would treat me badly for it I just… I admire you, okay? I’ve always
loved you and looked up to you so much. You practically raised me, gave me a childhood in
the ways our parents never did. Y–you gave me everything, Sirius, and I don’t want to… to
let you down, to be unworthy of that.”

“Reggie,” Sirius breathed, his eyes filled with a deep anguish. He was out of his chair and
pulling Regulus into his arms in a second. “You didn’t let me down, you could never… I’m
so, so fucking proud of you. Even when I thought you were like our parents, I never thought
you were ‘unworthy’ of my love or any of the things I gave you. I was happy to give because
you’re my brother and that’s something special that nothing could ever change. Not any
amount of time, distance, war or drugs… none of it. You could commit mass murder, and I’m
not saying I’d be happy, mind you… but you’d still be my brother.”

Regulus, never one who knew how to accept love, was tense for a moment before he slowly
wound his arms around his brother’s torso, returning the hug. He buried his face into Sirius’s
shirt, pretending for a moment that nothing existed but them. Just Sirius and Regulus,
standing together, hearts beating in sync. Them against the world, as it’d always been.

“You can bring Remus next time,” Regulus mumbled into Sirius’s chest.

“Is that your way of telling me to leave now?” Sirius joked, but his voice was a little too thick
to shake off the emotions of the moment.

“Yes,” Regulus muttered, but he didn’t let go, and Sirius didn’t either.

When Sirius finally stepped back, he ducked his head and Regulus pretended he couldn’t see
as his brother quickly wiped away his tears.

“Okay,” he said, clearing his throat. “I’ll bring Remus. Same time?”
“Yes,” Regulus nodded. “Maybe Lily can come the week after.”

“I’ll let them know,” Sirius agreed.

Regulus paused, seeing the question in his brother’s eyes. “I don’t want to see James,” he
said quickly.

“Okay, sure…” Sirius said, even though Regulus could tell he didn’t understand why.

James, next to Sirius, was the person Regulus always wanted when he was hurting. He’d
dreamed of him often over the last year. When he was so high he wasn’t sure if he was still a
human being, he’d imagined James there, fingers brushing through Regulus’s hair, voice soft
and gentle. James was who he always wanted, James was the one who’d always been there.
Through so many of Regulus’s worst moments, his lowest of lows, James had never faltered,
never looked at him in disgust. As much as Regulus had raged that James wanted to change
him, he hadn’t. Rather, James had simply wanted Regulus safe and away from harm. But
Regulus couldn’t stomach the thought of being another broken thing for James Potter to
handle, not for a second more.

He didn’t deserve to be seen or loved or cherished. Though he wasn’t sure what would be
worse: being treated with love by James or with anger. Maybe James was furious. Regulus
had left again… after everything, he’d left. He was filled with shame over his reaction, how
far he’d fallen off the deep end. No matter how James reacted, Regulus didn’t think he was in
any place to handle it. He’d worked so hard to find any semblance of footing, and his
therapist had warned him to go slow as he settled back into his life. Maybe it was selfish to
refuse to see James, but Regulus couldn’t do it.

“Right…” Regulus said inelegantly, hesitating before shaking down his sleeve slightly from
where it fell over his hand. He paused before taking the star ring from his finger. It took
Sirius a moment to react as Regulus held it out. He just stood, mouth slightly open for a
second before he was spurred into motion, holding out his palm so Regulus could drop the
ring in his hand. “Could you give it to him?”
Sirius looked down at the ring for a moment, despite everything it’d been through, it glinted
softly in the afternoon light. A small little spark, a shimmer of something that Regulus still
felt so far from, yet… at that point, it didn’t feel completely impossible, as it had only a few
months ago.

Regulus thought of Théo as Sirius nodded, closing his hand slowly around the ring as if it
were something precious. Regulus imagined the man’s smile, the curve of his melodic
French, as he dreamed of a life full of books, music, and better…

Better.

The word sounded harder in English, unforgiving and unescapable. Yet, it seemed a little
more familiar, less like a pipe dream made up by two drug addicts hovering, always one step
from falling over the edge and never returning. Then, boom, from better to tipping right over
the edge, Théo was gone, and Regulus was alone on the precipice. Watching Théo fall, just as
helpless as he was reaching for Pandora while she slipped right through his fingers.

For a moment, Regulus was falling, dizzying and sharp, the air burning his nose as he
breathed in sharply. The world was spinning.

“Reggie?”

It stopped. He landed hard standing, in Cissa’s kitchen, the artful and no doubt expensive tiles
blinking at him with every color of the rainbow. Regulus had never thought of Cissa as a
colorful person. She wore only shades of neutrals and greys, maybe a pale blue if she was
feeling daring. Yet, her house was bright, full of art and color, flowers in clever vases, shaped
strangely and beautifully. Regulus wondered if she was trying to combat her own childhood,
to raise Draco in a house entirely opposite to how Blacks were raised. Sure, she didn’t spell
Draco’s art onto pantry doors as Lily and James did with Harry’s; instead, she framed it. Yet,
it was still there, constantly being replaced when Draco insisted he’d made a better drawing.
Narcissa never argued, only smiled gently at her son and, with care and gentle hands, added
the new picture to the frame.

Regulus looked over Sirius’s shoulder, eyes fixed on one of the most recent. A picture of
Draco and Regulus riding an animal shaped form which Draco had insisted was a dragon.
The ‘R’ in Regulus’s name was written backward as Draco still hadn’t quite mastered the
capitalized version of the letter, but Regulus had only smiled when Draco had presented it to
them, poking him fondly on his pale cheek.

Sometimes Regulus tried his best to see what Narcissa saw, as she was adamant that Draco
was so much like Regulus… He couldn’t. Draco was such a perfect, lovely little boy, with a
little bit of an attitude that Regulus was sure would be trouble one day, but overall he was full
of joy and kindness. Always wanting everyone around him to be happy. He liked their eyes
on him, liked making them smile. He was full of such unbridled, innocent joy that only a
child could have, and Regulus couldn’t imagine himself ever being anything close.

“Regulus?”

Regulus blinked; he tore his gaze from the picture to meet Sirius’s eyes.

Théo had tipped, fallen right over the edge, lost to Regulus forever. Regulus had been right
there, so close, just behind him.

You and me.

A part of his soul was still there on the street, the red and blue lights of the police cars
painting the concrete, pulling the air from his lungs.

Regulus was still there, James’s grip pulling him back into the castle, a sob ripping through
his body.

Regulus was still there, standing in front of Voldemort, unflinching as he found his end. He
was still there, in the cave, hands ripping apart his skin, scream unheard under the water.
Filling his lungs, tearing the life from his body.

Regulus was still there, but he was here as well. Standing in front of Sirius, whose hands
were outstretched, unsure if he should touch. Sirius, who was still there, who came back even
when Regulus didn’t. He was here with his brother who would return to his family… their
family. And one day, one day Regulus would as well.

“I’ll see you next week,” Regulus said, his voice shaking.

Sirius looked like he wanted to stay, to ask. He didn’t. Instead, he nodded, and looking as if it
were the hardest thing he’d ever done, he stepped back.

Regulus let him because he was sure that he’d be back. Even if he weren’t, Regulus would.
Eventually, Regulus would come back too.

“Okay, I’ll see you then… Love you, Reggie.”

“I love you, too.”

Sirius hesitated for only a moment before turning and letting himself out. Regulus stood in
the bright kitchen, breathing, grinding his heels into the ground where he stood.

Not drowning, not falling.

Standing.

--

When Sirius got home this time, climbing up the front porch steps, shrugging off his leather
jacket and toeing off his shoes, he felt so different than he did last week.

Lily, James, and Remus were in the living room again, this time waiting expectantly for him.
When Sirius stepped in, they fell quiet, waiting for him to speak, to give some word on
Regulus. Sirius wanted to extract this moment from his memory for the next time he saw
Regulus so that he might hand it to him, so his brother could see how intensely loved he was
by these people.

“How’s Regulus?” Lily asked quietly, the first to dare to speak.

“He’s… not well,” Sirius said, because he couldn’t lie. “I don’t think he’s well at all. He told
me a bit about what happened, and I know it was only a small portion of it, but he still seems
so… sick. But—” Sirius broke off swallowing hard as the next part came out, barely above a
whisper. “I think he might be better... eventually,”

James seemed to almost flinch at the word, barely containing the twitch of pain that crossed
his expression, and Sirius’s fingers found the ring in his pocket.

“Um, Moons… he says you can come next week, and then maybe Lily the week after…”

Remus nodded, and a small spark of hope flashed across Lily’s face. James stilled and Remus
looked over to him when Sirius didn’t continue.

“Um…” Sirius started, because he had to explain it to James but he wasn’t sure how to break
the news.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” James said quietly, and it wasn’t a question, only a sad
statement.

“He doesn’t,” Sirius confirmed. “I– I don’t know why, I mean, he asked about you—”

“No,” James cut Sirius off, “it’s fine, Pads… honestly, I’m not so surprised.”

“I am,” Sirius said bluntly. “I thought the two of you had… I don’t know, worked things out.”
 “We didn’t.” James shrugged. “We were in a place where I thought we’d be able to, but we…
we didn’t, not really. I knew that, he knew that. I get it.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say to that so he slowly pulled the ring from his pocket, setting it
on the coffee table in front of James.

He hadn’t realized how much of a brave face James was putting on until it suddenly cracked,
a look of raw pain crossing his face before, much to Sirius’s surprise, his half-sob turned to a
laugh and he reached out for the ring, taking it with utmost care.

“Reggie wanted me to give it to you,” Sirius whispered.

James just clutched it tightly, breathing in deeply. “We’re going to be fine,” he said, his voice
heavy with emotion. “We’re all going to be fine…”

Sirius wasn’t sure if ‘fine’ was the word he’d use, but he did think that they were going to be
something aside from what they were right now. That this space between war and living
wouldn’t consume them forever.

Something had to give, and for the first time since 1983, Sirius felt it shift.

Chapter End Notes

Hello! I busted my ass on this chapter so I really hope you enjoy! I wrote so much of
this ages ago so the editing process has been a lot to work and each week is a new
adventure as I open up the next chapter and realize it's a shitshow.

Anyway, my lovely beta @pastelanxiete helped me turn this one around into something
I'm much happier with. I hope you enjoy some of the reunion!
Also, I realized this fic is nearly at 50,000 hits?? So I want to say thank you in advance
to everyone who has read this and supported me on this little journey. I started posting
my next fic already which is a PJO au the great war so pls take a look, as that will take
priority once I'm done with anti-hero.

Love y'all!!

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“Hi James, come on back.”

James followed Healer Potts through the now familiar office, settling onto her sofa, his
fingers immediately finding the same thread he always seemed to pull at. He was sure she’d
realized he was slowly dismantling her sofa, but she didn’t seem to mind, and honestly, he
liked to wrap it around his finger to ground himself in something familiar.

He could have started seeing a healer closer to home now that the war was over rather than
taking the portkey out of the country every few weeks, but James found himself far too
comfortable to switch now. He really liked Healer Potts, and he trusted her; he didn’t want to
go somewhere else. So, he made the trek up every few weeks, now far less often than when
he first started getting treatment.

“Now, I know you prefer me to be straight with you, so let’s jump right into it,” Healer Potts
told him, crossing her ankles as she sat across from him. “Is there something specific you
want to discuss today?”

James pulled gently on the thread. “I know it’s been a while since I needed an extra session…
It’s not an emergency.”

“And you know it doesn’t need to be. I’m here whenever you feel you need it.”

Nodding, James swallowed. “Regulus is back,” he said quickly, looking down at his hands so
he didn’t have to meet her gaze while he spoke. “Or no, not exactly… not for me. He’s seen
Sirius, and Remus is going on Saturday too, but he doesn’t want to see me.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know,” James admitted. “I’ve missed him like crazy, and I’ve also been angry. Not at
him, I mean– not exactly… just at the situation. Like, it wasn’t fair we went through all of
that, and Regulus gave up so much to end the war just for nothing to feel okay anyway. None
of it feels right and that pisses me off, and he didn’t come back and I guess that did make me
angry a little too because… I was trying. I tried so hard, and a part of me felt like he didn’t
think I was worth it.”

“You said it ‘did’ make you angry. Do you not feel that way right now?”

James looked up to meet her eyes, never demanding, never asking for more than he could
give. “I– no, I don’t think so. He gave me the ring back.” He gestured to the ring, now on his
finger. James no longer felt he had to hide it on a necklace. Not to mention he liked being
able to see it all hours of the day, always in view on his hand.

“Ah, and you’ve mentioned this ring is an important symbol in your relationship, correct?”

“Yes, I guess it became one. It’s been passed back and forth between us a lot, and we had this
sort of promise: eventually… You know, one day we’d come back together, that we’d figure
out how to have a relationship. I knew it was likely it’d take a long time, I knew it wouldn’t
be easy, and when he left, I wasn’t surprised. I knew Regulus wasn’t in a good place.
Truthfully, neither was I, nor anyone… but then so much time passed, and I was less sure that
he really intended to keep it. But by giving the ring back, he’s telling me he still does. I just
need to wait.”

“And how do you feel about waiting for him?”

“I feel… I don’t know. It’s hard to describe.”

“That’s okay, take your time and think about it for a moment.”

James paused, trying to gather up the words for the feeling. “It’s like, it’s unfathomable that I
could ever do anything else. Not because he expects me to or because I have to, but
because… there’s never been any other possibility, not really. I tried, you know, I wanted to
be able to choose someone else, but I don’t think I have it in me. I’ve always thought I was
made to love him. I’ve realized in the past year or so that maybe that isn’t true. Maybe there’s
a life out there where we didn’t even know each other, and I was better for it. Maybe it isn’t
inevitable that we end up together. In fact, it seems like quite the opposite. We’ve always had
every odd against us, and sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone. Love
alone isn’t enough to make it work. If it were, we would have been fine, but we weren’t.
Nothing was fine, nothing has ever been fine. But… I still want him. I’d still choose him a
million times, and I know people might say it’s unhealthy. I know Sirius doesn’t get it, even
though he accepts it now. I know Remus thinks we were always too tangled up in each
other… do– do you think it’s wrong? Do you think that wanting him so badly is…bad?”

“Well, James,” Healer Potts said gently, “that’s not for me to say. Clearly, you love each other
a lot. If you’re both willing to put in the work, even if you aren’t ready yet or it doesn’t
happen right away… I’ll be here to help you work through it.”

“Okay,” James replied quietly. Healer Potts gave him a moment to simply sit with his
thoughts, twisting Regulus’s ring around his finger. He always liked that she knew when to
give him a moment to work up the nerve to speak.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” James said finally. “And I don’t blame him because as much as
I do love him, I know the feeling. I could barely even stand to look at him when he first came
back from the dead. I was so angry for so long, and then, when I wasn’t as angry anymore, it
was okay because we had a war to worry about. Then he was gone, and I just worried
whether he was alright. Now, Regulus is fine. Maybe not at his best from what Sirius says,
but he’s alive. He’s trying, he’s safe. I know he’s safe, and Sirius has seen it with his own
eyes, so I can sleep better. I can wake up knowing where he is, even if I can’t have him.
But…I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t even know where to begin with the way he
makes me feel. I don’t know how to just let myself love him, and I don’t know how not to. I
don’t think that’s something I can figure out until I can talk to Regulus and look him in the
eye. So now, I’m not angry… I’m just… lost.”

“It’s okay to get a little lost sometimes, James. I’m here to help pull you back, and you have a
wonderful support system. As scary as it is, there’s not much you can do right now. You’re
stuck in a limbo between what your life was and what it may be. In times like these, it helps
to simply focus on the things you do know, stick to your routine and be patient with
yourself.”
James wished he knew how to do that. He remembered Regulus in the tent, the feeling of
relearning how to let the ‘I love you’s fall from his lips. He didn’t have anywhere to put them
now. He didn’t know if he could force them out.

--

Narcissa Black was a quiet girl. Polite, full of small smiles and tilted heads. Everything about
her was perfect, from the way her blonde hair fell down her back to the slight blush that
always painted her pale cheeks.

Narcissa Black was also not as she seemed.

She dreamed of being free, of climbing through her window and scrambling down onto the
dirt of the garden below. She imagined tearing her dress on the stone, letting her hair tangle
and her shoes get muddy. Narcissa liked to wonder what it might be like to be wild like Bella,
unrestrained and uncontainable.

Their parents tried their very best to control them, but Bellatrix Black was not a girl easily
controlled. Funnily enough, Narcissa had always thought of Bella as similar to Sirius, only on
the opposite end of the spectrum. They were both wild, messy, a whirlwind of danger and
power. Reckless and always dancing just out of reach. Both of their parents tried to control
them, but neither of them could. The difference was that Bella was directed, pushed into the
Dark Lord’s clutches where she delighted in being set free. She loved being able to hurt and
destroy to her heart’s content. Orion and Walburga, however, had failed from the moment the
sorting hat touched Sirius’s head. Narcissa had known it from the first week. She’d watched
him with Potter, sitting at the Gryffindor table, smiling in a way she had never seen him with
anyone besides Regulus. She knew from that moment that Sirius would never be what their
families wanted him to be, and a small guilty part of her was glad for it.

She never much liked Sirius, who was always too much of an enthusiastic nuisance, but he
was still her family. He was still only a child, a boy who in his heart was good. It came easily
to him, Narcissa secretly envied that. She wished being good was as important to her as it
was to Sirius, but it was never her top priority.
Andy was the medium between Narcissa and Bella. Non-violent but bold and strong in her
beliefs, much like Sirius… In fact, Narcissa thought that she herself was the only one who
shared no similarities with Sirius. Maybe that was why they got along so terribly. She’d
always been closer to Regulus, but looking at him now, she realized they weren’t so alike.
For a time, she’d found comfort in the fact that they were both in it together, both willing to
compromise basic morals to keep their heads down, but Regulus hadn’t kept his down
forever. He had guts, something Narcissa didn’t think she’d ever had once in her life. Now,
learning to grow a spine was difficult; it felt awkward and out of place on her. After all, she’d
spent her entire life learning that compliance meant survival.

“A force to be reckoned with,” Andy had said recently, gesturing to Narcissa, and for a
moment she’d only blinked in shock.

Narcissa? No, she was no force. She was weak and cowardly, spineless. Certainly not
anything to be reckoned with. When she hadn’t responded, Andy had only reached out and
tugged at Narcissa’s hair like she had when they were young.

“Don’t look at me like that Cissa, it’s true. I know you only can’t see yourself as I do… but it
took a lot to decide to build a home here instead of the manor, to risk yourself in the war like
that.”

“I only helped for Draco,” Narcissa insisted, “not out of the goodness of my heart.”

“But you still did it, regardless of your motives. You did it out of love for your son. And
don’t try to tell me you didn’t partly do it for Regulus as well. I know you adore that boy as
much as you pretend otherwise. That love, for Draco, for Regulus… that’s special.”

“Maybe I did it for you, too,” Narcissa said quietly, and the look on Andy’s face broke
Narcissa’s heart, full of surprise and tentative hope.

“I’m glad. I’m glad I’m here.”

Narcissa didn’t say anything more, because how was she supposed to explain the ache
burrowed so deep into her heart it felt permanent? How could she explain that all these years
she’d been essentially alone? Narcissa had mourned Bella long before she was dead, a sister
lost to the madness. Andromeda was gone too, just as much as Bella. Lost to Narcissa, so far
out of reach that she would often wake with the thought that if her sister were to die… would
anyone think to tell her? If Narcissa died, would Andy ever find out? Would she be invited to
her funeral, or would it be like Regulus’s?

She remembered Regulus’s funeral well, watching the crowd, waiting for a face she knew
wouldn’t come. Wondering if somewhere out there, grief was eating Sirius alive, if he was
sobbing his heart out or if he didn’t care at all. She wondered if Andy would care if she died.
She knew that if it were her sibling, she’d never recover.

Now, Bella was dead, and Narcissa felt guilty that it didn’t hurt as much as she felt it should.
But how was she supposed to mourn the same person twice? She’d done her grieving over
Bella long before she took her last breath. In all honesty, Narcissa was glad she was dead,
because death was better for a woman like Bellatrix than Azkaban.

So really, Narcissa Malfoy wasn’t so different from Narcissa Black.

Despite what some might believe, she’d quite liked Lucius, loved him really in whatever way
she knew how. He was her husband, and he loved her as well, even if she was never a
priority. Even if the Dark Lord came before her or Draco. That was okay though, Narcissa
never set out to find love. All she wanted was to be safe. She wanted her family’s approval,
she wanted to do whatever she was asked and live out the rest of her life without ever
needing to kill a person. Taking the Malfoy name didn’t change her, didn’t make her stronger,
but it didn’t make her weaker, either.

At the end of the day, she was just Narcissa: Draco’s mother, a woman trying to straighten
out her spine. It wasn’t easy, but she found resolve came easier in certain aspects. Draco, for
example. She knew how to be his mother, how to know when to bend and when to stand
strong on certain matters. It wasn’t so different with Regulus, she was learning.

“I don’t want to go,” Regulus whispered, careful not to let Draco hear from the other room.
He was too young to understand drug addiction, all he knew was that cousin Regulus was
sick. They tried not to talk about it in front of him.
“Why?” Narcissa sighed, stepping back from the stove to round on Regulus, putting a hand
on her hip. “You’ve been going all this time.”

“Exactly! I’m fine, I don’t need to go anymore.”

“The group sessions are part of your outpatient care, it was written in your plan from the
beginning, Regulus. You can’t simply quit care entirely because you made it out of rehab.
That was one step in a long road to recovery.” The way these muggle programs worked was
very confusing to her originally, and if she’d gone into a muggle library to research it… well,
that was no one’s business.

“I’m clean,” he insisted stubbornly. “I’m fine now.”

It took one look at Regulus to know that wasn’t true. He looked better than when Narcissa
had first found him in the hospital, but that wasn’t saying much. At the first glimpse of him in
the hospital bed, Narcissa had thought him dead. Now, his skin was a little less sallow, the
bags under his eyes a little lighter, but he was still frail. There was so little color in his
cheeks, and his wrists were so thin that Narcissa often found herself fearing he’d snap one.
His cheeks were sunken in, and he'd barely seen the sun in months. She didn’t want to
imagine what Sirius must have thought seeing his brother for the first time, how sickly he
must have looked.

“You’re clean, not recovered.”

“I don’t see the difference.”

“The difference,” Narcissa said, crossing her arms, face tight, “is that if I threw you onto the
streets with your choice of drugs at this exact moment, I don’t believe you’d resist.”

“Well, when you start throwing around fake hypotheticals—”

“They’re not fake, it’s a very real possibility. You’ve been clean before, and you’ve
relapsed… You know how dangerously close to the edge you are at any given moment.”

“So what? I’m supposed to live in a bubble for the rest of my fucking life? I’ve always been
close to the edge, it’s always there! How am I supposed to live then, huh? In a constant cycle
of addiction?”

“No,” Narcissa said calmly, “that’s why you do the groups and your outpatient care.”

“And what if I relapse again?”

“If you do—and hopefully you won’t— but if it did come to that, then you have people who
will support you. I’m on your side, Regulus. Remember what the doctor said, recovery isn’t
linear. Taking a step back at times isn’t entirely unexpected, but what’s important is that
you’re trying, that you want to recover.”

“I don’t want to be sick anymore.”

Narcissa sighed, reaching out a hand to carefully take his wrist. Regulus blinked down at her,
his hair now longer than ever, falling in his eyes slightly.

“You spent a lot of time refusing to be sick, fighting a war and pushing it away. Now it’s
okay to be, in fact, I’d say you need to just let yourself be. Accept it, not as a bad thing or a
good thing, just as a thing. You’re Regulus Black and you’re also a drug addict, it’s just a
fact.”

“I don’t want to be any of those things,” Regulus muttered.

“Regulus Black or an addict?”

“Both.”
“Well,” Narcissa told him, “I happen to know a few people who quite like Regulus Black.”

“But not the drug addict part.”

“As I said, it’s not something to be liked. Just something.”

“I know, I know. But I don’t want it, I don’t want them to know it, see it. I don’t want—”

He broke off suddenly, and Narcissa tilted her head. “Is that why you won’t see Potter?”

“He’s seen enough bad from me. I can’t stomach the idea of him seeing anymore.”

“It was my impression that he didn’t mind the bad.”

“I think that makes it worse.”

“Okay… maybe you can write him a letter or something. Clearly, he’s been on your mind. I
know you’re seeing Lupin tomorrow, and that’s good, but if you’re not ready for anyone
else… write a letter.”

--

It started slow.
A spark, turned to a blaze. A smile, a hand. Nothing… it was nothing. Four boys who stepped
into the same train compartment. Three girls in another. A Gryffindor and a Slytherin who
accidentally ended up on the quidditch pitch at the same time.

A smile, a chance, a death or a million.

A spark turned into war which would last an eternity. Even once the dust had settled and the
bodies had been buried. It was written in the scars of the earth, in the bones of its inhabitants.

Somewhere in the countryside of Italy, a woman and her daughter were bickering. If one
were to look through the window of their little home, they’d find it warm and welcoming.
They’d note the argument was tinged with love as much as exasperation.

In England, a mismatched family lounged around their living room. A little boy with a shock
of black hair running around, and his father, whom he was clearly the spitting image of,
grabbed him by the waist. The little boy giggled as his father pressed kisses to his face.

In another house, quiet with the stillness of the night. A man sat at his desk, a small lamp
illuminating his face, his quill poised to write.

He stared at his parchment for a long period of time, eyes unseeing, mind filled with images
of fire and water, burning and drowning. Laughing and dying, sitting at the edge of a roof,
overlooking New York City.

“Better?” A ghost whispered, his smile warm.

Regulus Black bent over his desk and began to write.

--

Remus was pacing.

Sirius was sitting at the edge of their bed, trying to focus on pulling on his socks. Even so, he
could see his partner out of the corner of his eye. Back and forth, back and forth.

“Moony?”

No answer, only the creak of the floorboards… back and forth.

“Moony!”

Remus froze at the sudden volume of Sirius’s voice.

“Sorry, what?”

“You’re driving me nuts, Moons.” He reached a hand out, and Remus paused before leaving
the path he had no doubt been wearing in the floor to fall into Sirius’s grasp. Once Sirius had
his hand, he pulled him forward until Remus was standing between his legs. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Remus muttered in a way that was entirely unconvincing.

Sirius wound his hands around Remus’s legs, pulling him closer and reveling in the huff of
laughter that escaped his mouth as he braced himself, hands on Sirius’s shoulders to stop
himself from falling.

Sirius just nudged his face into Remus’s stomach, smiling as his grip loosened on Sirius’s
shoulders to wind lightly through his hair.

“You don’t really expect me to believe that?” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s stomach.
Remus sighed. “Maybe not,” he murmured, and Sirius could feel the vibrations of his voice
from where his head was pressed against him. “I guess I’m nervous, but that’s stupid. It’s just
Regulus.”

Sirius pulled back to look up at his partner. “Well, I don’t assume you’re scared of Regulus
himself…”

Remus just looked down at Sirius for a long moment, eyes soft, the warm depths filled with
the heavy weight of love and something even more intense. It was whatever a step past
loving someone was… Sirius didn’t think they had a name for that yet, but whatever it was,
he felt it for Remus. And evidently, Remus felt it for him.

“No,” Remus said finally, “I’m not. I guess I’m just scared of what might have happened, of
how he might be hurting or changed. I’m scared that I won’t be able to avoid blaming
myself.”

“Do you blame me?” Sirius asked. “I mean I’m the one who let him go, I’m his brother. I’m
the one who should have kept him safe. Do you think it’s my fault?”

“No, of course not—”

“Then it’s not yours. It’s just what happened. It was probably a long time coming, so if your
brain tries to tell you to blame yourself, tell it to shut the fuck up. Picture yourself hitting it
violently with a large stick.”

“Is that what you do?” Remus cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Sirius tried to stay straight-faced, but under Remus’s gaze, he quickly cracked a smile
which Remus instantly returned.

“Crazy, crazy boy,” Remus said fondly. Sirius didn’t retort by telling him he was a grown
man, thank you very much, because Remus was gazing at him so lovingly, he didn’t have the
heart to break the moment.

“Love you,” Sirius murmured instead, and Remus reacted instantly, a hungry sound punching
out of his throat as he leaned down to kiss Sirius fiercely.

Sirius wasn’t sure what exactly had incited that reaction, but he wasn’t complaining as
Remus pushed him until he was lying on his back and clambered on top of him. Sirius
happily urged him on, fingers slipping under his jumper to run over the dips of his abdomen
and up his ribs.

“We gotta go,” Remus said breathlessly, breaking away. Sirius made an unhappy noise and
quickly followed him, catching his lips again. Remus was just as weak a man as Sirius,
clearly, because he indulged it for a moment far too long for two people who needed to leave.

“Pads,” Remus groaned, finally leaning back and pushing Sirius back this time when he tried
to follow. “As much as I’d love to give you absolutely anything and everything you want,
now is not the time.”

“Anything?” Sirius asked innocently, blinking up at him.

“Anything,” Remus confirmed. “Anything that isn’t having sex at this exact moment,” he
quickly corrected, and Sirius threw his head back laughing. Remus knew him too well.

“Fine,” Sirius conceded with a dramatic sigh, “but only because I don’t fancy explaining to
my brother that we were late because we were shagging.”

Remus rolled his eyes but pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius’s cheek. “I love you,” he whispered.

“Love you more, Moons.”

“Don’t turn this into a competition,” Remus said sternly as he climbed off the bed. And
Sirius, as he always found himself doing in Remus Lupin’s presence, simply smiled.

--

Remus was trying to take Sirius’s words to heart. Still, he was nervous as Sirius knocked on
the front door of a house far brighter than he would have expected from Narcissa Malfoy.

The door swung open only a moment later to reveal Regulus Black, looking smaller than
Remus had ever seen him. He seemed to be drowning in his muted green jumper, and Remus
wanted to reach out and fold him into his arms. He quickly tried to tamp down the thought.
Regulus wasn’t a child, and he wouldn’t appreciate that. All of Remus’s nervousness bled
away as Regulus smiled, only the faintest curl of his lips but it was clear he was happy to see
them.

“Hey, Reg,” Remus greeted casually as Regulus stepped back to let them inside. He didn’t
get the feeling Regulus would want to be treated any differently; pity or sympathy wouldn’t
be well received, so Remus just smiled as if no time had passed at all. Maybe it didn’t even
matter that it had, maybe time was insignificant when it came to Remus and Regulus. They
had a special sort of relationship borne from a very difficult situation, time was nothing
compared to destroying Horcruxes together.

“Remus,” Regulus said softly, and for a moment, it was 1982 again and Remus was standing
on the other side of a counter.

For a moment, they were strangers again. Two men connected yet so far apart, the only
thread between them being Sirius. Then, Regulus had been dead, Sirius had been brotherless,
and Remus hadn’t known anything about Regulus and James. It was only two men, both
grasping so hard at the pieces of the life they had left, both with their own reasons to flip the
world on its head.

Remus blinked.
It was 1985. The sun was shining outside, the first whispers of spring beginning to break
through the winter chill. Sirius was at his side, and Narcissa Malfoy’s house was bright, the
walls covered in art clearly done by a child.

It was 1985. The war was over, but never quite won.

In that second, Remus was sure the notion passed between them. That Regulus knew it just as
vividly as Remus.

They hadn’t won; there was no victory or reprieve, there was only the cruel twist of time as it
kept going, and either you went with it, or you drowned. Remus looked at Regulus, the pale
skin of his cheeks, the freckles he remembered now invisible, the heavy darkness in his eyes.
Regulus looked like a man who had drowned, but they were here now, standing on dry land.

When Regulus spoke, it startled Remus. “Cissa thinks I need to get some sun. Fancy a walk?”

“Sure,” Remus shrugged.

“Put on a coat,” Sirius said instantly, and Regulus let out a long-suffering sigh.

“I was going to,” he protested.

“Put on another jumper too,” Sirius ignored his comment, looking his brother up and down.
“I don’t want you freezing to death.”

“It’s warm today, Sirius.”

“It’s warmer than it’s been, but it’s still cold,” he countered.
Regulus scoffed, stomping off into the house, but when he returned, Remus could see the
collar of another jumper peeking out from beneath his green one.

Once Regulus was bundled up to Sirius’s liking, they set off into London, heading to a
muggle park where other people seemed to have the same idea, lured outside by the first
sunny day in ages.

Sirius and Regulus simply bickered for the first portion of their walk, but Remus barely
scolded them at first. Instead, he was happy for once to listen because it meant they were
together and they were well enough to argue. Honestly, Remus wasn’t entirely sure how the
thread of conversation had strayed, but at some point, they’d begun to heatedly discuss
whether Regulus’s literature taste was pretentious.

“C’mon, Moony, you like books, tell me,” Sirius said, rounding on him. “It is snobbish, isn’t
it?”

“I mean, I suppose it could be viewed as such,” Remus shrugged, not really wanting to get in
between them. “But at the end of the day, it’s mostly just classics, isn’t it? I’d say it’s not the
books themselves but the attitude someone has about reading them. Regulus doesn’t act like
he’s better than other people for having read them.”

“Well, no, because I am simply better than other people in general,” Regulus said, and Remus
sighed.

“Not helping yourself here, Reg.”

“See!” Sirius said, pointing his finger accusingly. “Prongs reads interesting books, even
Moony reads a variety. Regulus is just a snob!”

“I read plenty of variety,” Regulus insisted, “I simply have my favorites, it’s no crime.”

“No, you don’t! Moony—”

“Okay, I am not getting in the middle of this any further, so you two change the topic now
before I abandon you both,” Remus said, holding his hands up in surrender.

“No, no, Moony, don’t leave us. We’ll talk about something else,” Sirius said, turning with
pleading eyes.

“Yes,” Regulus agreed, pausing. “Like… your stupid nicknames. I’d always wondered where
they came from, I guess it makes sense now. I mean, Moony…” he gestured to Remus,
“pretty self-explanatory.”

“Well, of course,” Sirius crossed his arms. “They’re after our Animagus forms, quite creative
right?”

“They sound stupid, but I guess they grow on you.”

“Hey!” Sirius protested, and Remus quickly cut in.

“You really didn’t know they were Animagi?” Remus questioned before the Black brothers
could launch into another round of bickering. “I mean, you knew I was a werewolf.”

“Well that was obvious,” Regulus shrugged, “but I had no idea they were animagi until you
all told me. Makes sense though.”

“Makes sense?”

“Oh yes. I mean, my patronus is a stag,” Regulus said, continuing on like that was an entirely
inconsequential detail. “And Sirius, you really do act like a terribly annoying dog.”

“Wait, hold on, back up. Your patronus is a stag?” Sirius questioned.
“Yes. I didn’t get it at first because it hardly suits me… but as I said, makes sense now.”
Sirius just blinked in shock, and Regulus paused in his steps to frown at his brother. “Is that
surprising to you?”

Sirius seemed to think about that hard for a moment before finally shaking his head.
“Actually, no…” he paused. “You know James’s patronus is a cat?”

“I didn’t know. Should it mean something to me?”

“Dunno, just saying, a cat doesn’t exactly suit him either. In fact… I think it’d be better
suited for you.”

“Hm,” was Regulus’s only response, and for a second, his eyes were far away. Remus
wondered if he went somewhere else, too. If for a moment, he was back in 1982 or 1979,
maybe earlier… or maybe he was somewhere that hadn’t happened yet. Somewhere far away
where Regulus wanted to see James again and James didn’t have to pretend like it didn’t
matter.

By the time Regulus snapped back, Sirius was changing the topic and they were setting off
down the park path again, the sun painting shadows on the bare branches of the trees
overhead.

Even as they walked, Remus felt the stillness.

Frozen in the moment, Sirius and Regulus’s voices rising up to the blue sky above.
Conversation casual, skirting around the scars that cut deeply between them. Remus felt at
that moment that he was living in a piece of life that hadn’t happened yet.

Sirius laughed brightly at something Regulus said, and Regulus smiled back, life returning to
his pale cheeks for just a second. It was there, just for a moment, a snippet of another life
escaping into theirs. A life where the sun was shining and Sirius didn’t forget to laugh, where
Regulus didn’t hold himself like there was a hand around his throat.
 Remus was filled with a deep grief at the thought, because as close as they might get, that
was never going to be reality. Even if they smiled most days, even if they went to sleep warm
and safe, there would always be days when Sirius woke from nightmares, when Lily would
visit Mary’s grave and return heavy with something she could never resolve. When James
would disappear into himself and Regulus would look down at his hands as if expecting to
see blood there, stained and caked into his fingernails. Remus thought maybe he’d always
pause, stuck in a moment that was long gone, the ghost of someone he was and someone he
couldn’t be.

Life went on. It didn’t wait for you to learn how to swim, and while Remus was swimming…
he still often felt as if he was barely holding himself afloat. He wondered if it’d ever get
easier. He’d heard the notion that it got better, but he was pretty sure that ‘better’ wasn’t
saying much when you go from fighting a hopeless war to living a life full of ghosts. Yes, it
was better than being surrounded by new death every day, but it didn’t undo the old deaths. It
didn’t take away those gravestones.

Remus knew he couldn’t be the only one who still felt like he was stuck at a tombstone.
Reading the names of dead people he could never bring back.

But today, he wasn’t just treading water, he was paddling. Slowly, messily, but he was
swimming, nonetheless. Sirius was swimming, even Regulus who had a terrible history of
drowning was keeping his head up. So maybe better wasn’t much, but today, it felt like
enough.

Chapter End Notes

So this now has over 50k hits which is crazy to me!! So thank you all, especially my
regular commenters and readers y'all are the loml!!

I have finals coming up and then I am free for summer break! Only two more weeks of
school so expect an insane amount of writing to get done once the semester is over. I
will be finishing antithesis and then turning my focus onto my little PJO au the great war
as well as this fic obviously (though most of my writing for this is done and has been
done for months).
Anyway, I don't have much else to say today. But ofc please come chat with me on
tumblr, twitter, tiktok, my comments whatever! I love talking with you all <3

See you next Friday!

find me on tumblr

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Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

James looked up from the book in his hands, his eyes wide.

“It’s just a book,” Regulus muttered, “don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like it’s something else.”

“It is,” James insisted, his grin widening. “It’s a present. From you.”

“And?”

James just looked at Regulus, the way his hands were crossed stubbornly across his chest.
How in the late hour of the night, his usually slicked-back hair had begun to hang looser,
curling at his forehead. He was beautiful, and not for the first time, James was completely
entranced by it.

“James!” Regulus snapped his fingers, grabbing his attention.

James quickly straightened, tearing his eyes from the way Regulus’s hair fell at his ears. It
took far more effort than it probably should have.

“Hm?”
“Can you please pay attention?”

“You’re distracting.” James smiled, taking in the way Regulus’s cheeks reddened at the
comment before straightening up and scowling.

“Shut up, it’s just a book. Happy birthday.”

James smiled even wider, looking down at the copy of The Iliad in his hand. It wasn’t just a
book.

It wasn’t just a book.

James was staring at the small collection of poetry that Remus had put into his hands, heart
caught somewhere in his throat. He wanted to laugh, or maybe scream and cry, tear his living
room apart, or dance with happiness.

Everything felt too big, too intense to even tell whether the feelings were negative or
positive.

“He said he thought you’d like it,” Remus spoke, the words barely making it through James’s
fuzzy brain.

James nodded numbly, slowly opening the front cover with shaking hands.

There was no note, no words aside from Regulus’s initials.

-R.A.B
Over those three letters, was a small picture of the sun, just a circle surrounded by lines.
Nothing fancy or incredible, yet James found himself tracing the lines of dried ink with his
finger.

He wasn’t entirely sure how he turned away, but James read the entire book that night. The
darkness around him.

On the very last page, James stopped dead.

Then I said softly to myself –

“That must have been the Sun”!

Under the poem, which was titled “I’ll tell you how the sun rose” Regulus had underlined
that specific line and much to James’s surprise, written at the bottom of the page.

Regulus never did that. In fact, he’d scolded James on many occasions for writing and
drawing in his books, calling it defacing. However, even the annotations on the page were
just so Regulus. The underline was perfectly straight, and he’d positioned his writing in the
corner of the page, each letter perfectly neat, not getting in the way of the text.

How I think of you.

I often find myself blindsided.

It wasn’t much, only two short sentences. But it was enough. Enough for James to find
himself staring at the words, frozen. He quickly went back to read the poem again, Emily
Dickinson’s depiction of the sun rising, the image painting the page as James’s eyes flicked
back to the underlined words again.

“That must have been the Sun”!

James blinked, breath heavy in his throat. His fingers trembled as he grabbed his quill,
dipping it in ink before writing underneath Regulus’s words, his own handwriting far messier.

I’m the sun? But the sun and the stars never share the same sky.

He watched the ink dry for a long moment, only closing the book with a thump when he was
sure the words wouldn’t smudge.

James went to bed heavy that night.

The next week, he handed the book to Lily as she headed out to visit Regulus.

“Give this back, would you?”

She frowned. “Did you not like it?”

“I did, just give it back. Tell him to read it.”

--

Sirius and Remus didn’t visit that weekend. Instead, Lily sat in Narcissa’s kitchen, head in
her hand as she and Regulus chatted. They talked as if nothing had changed, discussing
books and Harry’s recent and worrying tendency to scream curse words.

Regulus found he didn’t mind the company, even though he sometimes caught her gaze
lingering on him, eyes sad. He didn’t mind because he found himself doing the same. Lily
smiled, she laughed as bright and fiery as ever, but there was still a deep grief all over her.
Something inside of her had been changed, and Regulus wished he could undo it, but he
couldn’t. He couldn’t ease her grief any more than he could ease his own.
So they talked about nothing of consequence, and Lily entertained Draco’s games when he
came barging into the kitchen entranced by her bright hair. She handled him with the ease
only a mother could, and Regulus found himself smiling as they spent the rest of the
afternoon helping Draco build a grand castle out of his blocks. Narcissa joined them later,
always so protective of her son, and Lily just smiled warmly at the woman.

“You know my son is the same age.”

“Yes, I do,” Narcissa said stiffly, clearly uncertain how to handle Lily’s easy smile.

“You should have him around to play sometime, Harry loves making new friends. He’s close
with the Weasleys’ boy too, Ron. It might be a good way to direct some of that energy,” Lily
laughed, nodding to Draco who now had his toy dragon out and was messily and
enthusiastically destroying the castle they had spent so long building.

“Oh,” Narcissa said, taken aback. “Well …” she glanced to her son, “that may be good for
him. Playdates have been scarce,” she admitted, “and now we’ve been shunned from the
pureblood community, so he doesn’t have many friends.”

“Oh, I understand,” Lily nodded. “Harry hasn’t exactly had the chance to meet new people
either. Having a son during a war…” she trailed off, a flash of pain flitting over her face
before it was gone. Somehow, that little moment of vulnerability seemed to be enough to
soften Narcissa’s tense shoulders.

“Yes… yes, I know what you mean. If you’re happy to have Draco meet up with your son
and his friend, I think it’d be a good idea.”

“Then it’s a plan,” Lily grinned. “I’ll send you an owl, and we can decide on a time.”

“I’ll be expecting it, then.”

Cissa didn’t speak much after that, but she stayed in the room for the rest of the time Lily was
there. And it was completely pleasant, so strange for three people who’d been on different
sides of a war.

Regulus wondered if maybe something was shifting.

Lily reached into her bag before she left, handing Regulus a book with a small frown on her
face.

“Um, James wanted me to give this back to you. He just said you should read it.”

Regulus took the book wordlessly; he didn’t let himself question what it meant. Something
was shifting, and Regulus hated it.

--

James turned, heading up the stairs as soon as Remus handed the book to him once again,
eyebrows raised.

“I think it’s like their strange way of communicating,” James heard Lily whisper as he closed
the door to his bedroom, opening the book up to the last poem.

I’m the sun? But the sun and the stars never share the same sky.

James’s last words shone on the page, and underneath, Regulus had written only one
sentence.

Just because you can’t see them at the same time, doesn’t mean they aren’t both there.
The next time the book passed between them, there was a letter tucked into the pages.

It took James almost a week to read it. Every night he’d pick up the book and hold it in his
hands, yet he could never quite bring himself to unfold the letter. James was terrified.

He wasn’t sure what Regulus had to say, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted him to say.
Maybe words were insufficient at this point. Maybe it really was too late.

James Potter and Regulus Black had spent years altering each other. Ruining, James had
called it once.

Because Regulus was in his bones, he was so deeply rooted in every part of James. Regulus
had taken his soul, sucked it dry, and then tried cruelly to give it back. James hadn’t wanted it
back. He still felt just as if he were sixteen, like he was standing alone, holding his dusty soul
in his hands.

He wasn’t. James wasn’t sixteen, wasn’t alone. Yet, he still woke like the world was ending.

It took him far longer than he cared to admit, to even reach out and pick up the letter. James
spent even longer sitting at the edge of his bed, parchment clutched in his hands before he
finally unfolded it shakily, taking a deep breath.

James,

I know my track record with you and letters are not the best. Hopefully, this won’t be the
worst one you’ve received from me, even if that isn’t saying much.

To tell you the truth, I first wrote this weeks ago. I quickly scrapped it and gave you the book
instead because I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how to say any of the things I wanted to, I still
don’t think I can say them, but I have to say something. I’m sorry I haven’t wanted to see you.
It’s not really you. That’s the problem, it’s me. I am worse, and have been worse than I’ve
ever been. I lost myself. I barely even remember the past year. I’m not entirely convinced I’m
still a person, much less one you could ever build a life with. I’m not convinced any amount
of effort will be able to cross that divide that’s still between us. I’ve been fighting myself on
whether to even try, because if we try and it can’t be worked through, then I fear it’d kill me.

I don’t know what to do with any of the things between us. I felt at the end of the war that we
were so close. Then I left, and I think that slipped out of my grasp. I fear we’re back to square
one, and once again, I’m terrified to find out. I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want
you to finally realize how little all of this is worth. It can’t be worth it James, you can’t want
this, surely? Not after everything.

Cissa tells me however, that I shouldn’t make that decision for you. So here I am, trying. I’m
trying and it’s hard, I can’t lie.

But I’m doing it. So, in the name of trying, I have to give you a chance. If you want to meet to
talk sometime, you can send me an owl.

-R.A.B

--

Regulus,

Sorry I didn’t write you sooner. I was scared to read your letter. I’m trying too, but sometimes
it doesn’t work so successfully. Anyway, I’ve never been as good at writing as you, so I don’t
think any of the things I might have to say would translate correctly. Instead, I’ll just say that
your cousin is right, it’s my decision to make.

So yes, let’s meet. I’m not working right now, I’ve been staying home with Harry so Lily can
work, so I’m free basically anytime. I only need enough notice to get someone to watch him.
So let me know what works.

-James
--

James,

I’m glad you wrote back. I’ll be in London on Friday, does that work? There’s a café there,
I’ll send you the details if you agree.

-R.A.B

--

Reg,

That works. See you then.

-James

--

James was nervous. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat as he entered the muggle
café, scanning for Regulus’s familiar form. As soon as he spotted Regulus, tucked into the
corner, book in his hand, James’s heart decided to try and make a getaway from his chest.

He took a shaky breath before heading over, pulling the chair out from across Regulus.

“What are you reading?”

Regulus didn’t jump; clearly he’d known James was coming even as he didn’t look up.

“Don’t know,” he said, holding up the book which James realized didn’t have a cover. “I got
it from a secondhand shop for practically nothing.”

“Well, that makes sense. Don’t think a book without a cover can sell for much.”

“No,” Regulus agreed, “but they have a whole box of books like this, damaged ones. I repair
them after I read them. I’ll rebind this one when I’m done. Though I’ll need to do some
research to find out the title.”

James just looked at Regulus for a moment, taking in the heaviness in his shoulders, the
bones of his hands poking through his thin, pale skin. James knew Regulus had said he hadn’t
been well, Sirius had said it as well. Still, that didn’t make the haunted look in Regulus’s eyes
any easier to take in.

Regulus surveyed James just the same, eyes flicking over his face and then down to his
hands, lingering on the ring on his finger.

“You look well,” Regulus said finally.

“Do I?” James asked, surprised.

Regulus hesitated. “I- you don’t seem unwell,” he said, scrutinizing James with narrowed
eyes. “Though I suppose you do seem a bit… off.”

James just nodded. “I suppose I feel a bit off. Does tend to happen at times.”

“Yeah, it does.”
There was a moment of strange silence between them, and James didn’t know what to say. It
was like learning he was alive all over again, standing in the kitchen, not sure how to bridge
the gap. James knew Regulus, he knew him better than almost anyone. They’d been through
hell together, every up and down. James knew what Regulus would do in most situations,
knew his deepest fears and secrets. He knew that Regulus was terrified of being abandoned,
and Regulus knew that James was terrified of losing control. They knew each other, but in
this moment, James had no idea what to say.

They’d managed to get past some of their awkwardness at the end of the war. Now it seemed
all of their work was long gone.

“I’m not sure where we stand,” James said suddenly, because he needed to say something.

“I don’t know,” Regulus said bluntly, pulling at his bare ring finger. “I- I mean you read my
letter, but I don’t have any idea how you feel about any of this. I suppose you coming in the
first place means something, but you haven’t been clear on what it is so I’m only left to
wonder what in merlin’s name we’re supposed to be doing—”

“Regulus,” James said, cutting off his rambling, which was so unusual from Regulus Black.
He rarely rambled unless he was discussing some book or magical theory, otherwise he hated
letting his words get away from him. “I’ll tell you how I feel, if you want.”

“I do,” Regulus said quickly.

“Okay, okay… Look, don’t get ahead of yourself, just let me speak without interrupting me,
because I do have some things to say.” Regulus nodded silently in response and James
continued. “I understand why you didn’t come back. I understand that you were struggling. I
don’t blame you, to be very clear. But we had gotten so much better, and you turned your
back on that. We were all struggling. None of us were well after the war, and maybe it was
varying degrees, maybe you went off the rails in ways the rest of us didn’t, but I feel a little
bit like you didn’t think about us. We’re your family, Regulus, we went through so much
together, and you just left and it was awful. I can’t explain to you how devastated Sirius was,
how much it ate him up. It hurt all of us. I knew you still had the ring, and I woke up every
day wondering if you were dead. I just kept imagining it, I still dream most nights of that
moment on the seventh floor. Every single fucking night, I reach out to catch you and I’m too
late. And I just… I feel that you didn’t even think about that.”

“I didn’t,” Regulus said, his voice small. “I mean, at first I intended to come back, I really
did, but… the longer I was away, the more I thought it wouldn’t matter. That none of you
needed me.”

“We did,” James said firmly. “We did, and I wish you’d lived a life where you never would
have doubted that for a second, but I hope you realize by now that we do need you. I need
you, I want you here. I’ll have you in any capacity, but I’ve lost you more times than I think
anyone deserves. None of this was fair, because you saved the fucking world and you got
nothing in return.”

“I got you,” Regulus whispered. “I’ve got you, Sirius, Remus and Lily, I’ve got Harry and
Narcissa and Draco and probably more people one day, too. That’s enough for me. I’m trying,
I am. That has to be enough.”

“It is. I’m trying, too. We’re all trying and it’s not easy, but we’re doing it.”

“I know… James,” Regulus paused, biting the skin of his lip. “I- I don’t know if this is ever
going to work… us.”

“Maybe not, but I’d rather find out than never try at all.”

“It could go absolutely terribly, we could hurt more than just each other.”

“Then for now we just try our best. What do you think… friends?”

Regulus scoffed. “We’ve never been friends.”

“In the spirit of trying something new?” James raised an eyebrow.

Regulus sighed, but he didn’t disagree, and James smiled brightly. Friends… surely that
would be okay.

Lily didn’t feel out of place.

In fact, she felt quite settled in her life. She watched her loved ones grasping at moments of
peace, searching for something, buckling under the ghosts on their shoulders. It wasn’t like
that for her. She felt fine.

It wasn’t enough.

Lily Evans was nothing if not hungry. Since she’d first discovered magic, all she wanted was
more. She wanted to be the best in her year, she wanted to be loved and cared for, revered.
Everything she’d achieved, she’d needed to prove she deserved it. Clawing at each piece with
vicious hands, she held on until her fingers bled, never wanting to give first. She knew she
was stubborn and intense; she tried to balance it out with the good parts. Clinging onto the
warmth and love she felt for humanity, she tried to treat everyone around her with kindness,
because she spent so many years fighting for it. She never wanted anyone around her to feel
they had to earn softness from her. She was happy to give it, and it was up to them to keep it.

Regulus had. He’d come, bloodied and broken, all sharp edges and a biting tongue. He
insisted he hadn’t done anything to deserve her warmth, but Lily thought quite the opposite –
he hadn’t done anything not to.

He’d reached out, with clenched fists, and he’d taken her softness and held it close. Lily had
been scared when she’d realized she’d come to love him.

Lily had learned her lesson about giving chances to the wrong people. But James loved him,
Sirius and Remus loved him, and Lily trusted their judgment. They’d been right. For as
difficult as he seemed to think it, Regulus Black was shockingly easy to love. He accepted
her as family and offered his own quiet version of love right back. He respected her, listened
to her ideas, never talked down or acted like he was better because of his blood status. He
was good and soft underneath the sharpness, which Lily had come to realize, couldn’t have
always been there. It was a defense mechanism, survival beat into him.

Not everyone was like that.

Aside from her family, Severus was one of Lily’s first real friends, one of the first people
she’d loved. She had given and given and given, and he’d taken it all. It took her a long time
to realize the imbalance. That love was a two-way street.

Sometimes she felt dumb for not recognizing it sooner. She’d defended Severus for so long,
even when her friends’ faces twisted in distaste, even when they told her he was a bad person.
He’s had a hard life, Lily had insisted!

“So did Sirius,” James had said to her once at sixteen, when they’d first begun to form a real
friendship. “And he has his issues, sure, but he tries to be good. He worked to get rid of the
bad things his parents taught him. It’s awful that Snape has a bad homelife, I wouldn’t wish
that on anyone. But it isn’t an excuse for acting the way he does. He’s hurting you, Evans,
and you don’t deserve that.”

“I don’t think he means to,” Lily whispered. “He’s my best friend.”

“Best friends don’t treat you badly, and best friends don’t leave you crying in corridors after
curfew.”

Lily had just sniffed, crossing her arms. “Well what are you doing out in a corridor after
curfew?”

“Not crying because of my best friend, that’s for sure,” James said. There was a hint of a
smile in his voice, but his eyes looked sad.
Lily knew now that he’d probably been seeing Regulus. That they’d both been losing
someone they loved that night, but James had just reached out a hand. “Come on, Evans, let’s
get out of here before Filch catches us.”

“God we’d never escape the rumors that we’re hooking up if anyone sees.”

James had laughed. “Nah, you’re far too good for me, Lily Evans.”

And Lily had known something had changed, but she hadn’t known what.

A week later Severus had called her a mudblood, and she’d sobbed for days. Mary had stayed
with her, even though she hated Severus, even though she didn’t think him worth any tears.
She’d gently played with Lily’s hair and told her it’d be okay.

It hadn’t.

But things with Severus had stopped hurting eventually. She’d stopped thinking of him or
missing him; he’d dug his grave, and that wasn’t on her.

But it lingered, as things tended to do.

So for a time, she was hesitant with her chances, timid with her love. The people she loved
dropped one by one. Her parents, her friends, her sister, either dead or simply gone.

But some… some people had stayed.

Not who she’d expected, not how she’d expected, but she loved her little makeshift family
anyway.
Lily had left a lot of people behind to end up where she was. Some of them she didn’t regret,
some of them she did. Some were more complicated than that.

Her sister, for one.

Sometimes, she felt stupid for mourning Petunia because she was right there. She was alive,
they even talked on occasion, but there was a space between them Lily didn’t think they
could ever breach.

Lily thought this was fine. Maybe not everyone got their siblings back. But on the inside, she
was always screaming. She was a child, crying and begging for someone to remember her. To
stop overlooking her, using her, forgetting her. Lily didn’t want to be forgotten, but Petunia
was nothing like Regulus – he’d needed Sirius, loved him so intensely. Petunia never needed
Lily, she made that very clear.

“Is everything alright?”

Lily jerked her head up from where she’d been absentmindedly stacking blocks that Draco
and Harry had long abandoned. Narcissa was looking at her, hands clasped, head tilted. Her
blonde hair fell in a smooth sheet over her shoulders, and Lily wondered what it’d feel like to
touch it, if it’d be as smooth as it looked.

“Yes, sorry,” Lily said quickly, gently knocking over the tower she’d been building. It didn’t
feel as satisfying as she thought it’d be to watch it fall.

Narcissa sat down on the sofa, crossing her legs. Lily could hear the boys playing in the other
room, their laughter floating in with the rays of sun that cut through the light drapes.
Everything in Narcissa’s house was light and airy, full of color and warmth. Narcissa herself
sat stiffly in the middle of it, as if she didn’t know how to let herself be the same. How to let
go of the iron in her spine.

“No need to be sorry,” Narcissa said quietly, watching Lily as she set to work stacking the
blocks yet again.
“A bit of an endless cycle,” she remarked.

Lily shrugged. “Sometimes I’d just like to break things.”

The silence that followed was heavy enough for Lily to look up, surprised to catch the
intensity of the expression on the other woman’s face. Her brow scrunched, lips twisted.

“Us women don’t often get to, do we?” Narcissa said finally as their eyes met.

“No,” Lily breathed, tilting her head to meet Narcissa’s gaze head on. “It’s unfair. I’ve
watched everyone rage… the men I know, they’re free to be seen as righteous in their anger,
harsh in their grief. Hell, Regulus got to kill Voldemort, and it was deserved. That boy went
through hell, he’s the reason Voldemort could even be killed in the first place, but sometimes
I think we ought to be compensated. That I’ve spent so long being the softest, best version of
myself that I don’t feel I’m allowed to be anything else.”

“Yes,” Narcissa said with the shocked look of someone who was being seen for the first time
in a very long time. “I… I understand. I gave years of my life being someone specific, and I
can’t remember who I was before.”

“But you’re looking for it,” Lily gestured to the bright house around them, full of color and
warmth.

Narcissa tilted her head, eyes flicking around the room before she nodded. “I’m finding it,”
she agreed. “And you… you don’t have to be good or soft with me. I’m the last person who
could judge you on your goodness. So if you and Harry want to come over again… I
wouldn’t mind. You don’t have to exist any certain way in this house, that’s what I want it to
be. A home with no expectations upon it.”

Lily’s heart dropped, and she suddenly felt bad for how many years she’d spent misjudging
Narcissa. She wasn’t what Lily had expected her to be.
“I’d like that,” Lily said softly. “And clearly Harry and Draco enjoy having a playmate, so I
think it’d be nice to make it a regular thing.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t be opposed,” Narcissa said quickly, and Lily smiled. “I-I don’t really
understand why you’ve given me a chance. Most of the wizarding world has shunned me.”

Lily laughed, leaning her head in her hand as she looked up at Narcissa on the sofa. “I think
you’ll find that can be a flaw of mine, but sometimes it pays off. I gave Regulus a chance.
You deserve one just as much as he does.”

“Regulus and I are very different.”

“Yes, and at the same time, you’re very similar. He was a Death Eater, but he actively
resisted. You were never a Death Eater, but you helped in your own quiet way. I think it
balances out.”

“He killed the Dark Lord,” Narcissa raised an arched eyebrow.

“And he made a lot of mistakes to get to that point, and you know how he did in the end?
Because he had people that loved him and supported him. You didn’t have that, you had no
one in your corner. And I’m not saying you weren’t complicit in the Death Eaters’ crimes,
but I think you’ve been tried for them, you did your penance, and now it’s time to take what
you learned and try to be better. If we punish people for their past actions forever, how can
they grow? I don’t think it should be forgotten, but you deserve a chance at least.”

Narcissa didn’t seem to have a reply to that, and she stood, swallowing. She stiffly sat down
on the floor next to Lily, eyeing the tower of blocks she’d been building. “Can I knock it
over?”

“Go for it.”

Pulling her hand back, Narcissa hesitated before knocking the tower over, sending the blocks
flying across the room. Lily giggled as they watched them fall, and then Narcissa was
smiling, too.

That was how their sons found them an hour later, knocking over blocks like children.

“Hi Lily,” Andromeda greeted, and Lily stepped into Narcissa’s house, Harry immediately
deserting her to find Draco.

“Andy,” Lily smiled. She didn’t know the woman that well; Sirius and Regulus had only
begun to repair their neglected relationships since the end of the war, but Sirius brought her
around often enough that they’d become familiar. Honestly, Lily found herself looking up to
Andromeda. There was something so strong and vibrant about her, yet also kind and warm.
Lily thought that was the kind of person she’d like to be.

“I’m about to head out, but it’s lovely to see you,” she said, kissing Lily quickly on the cheek.
She turned, yelling over her shoulder, “Cissy!”

“What?” Lily heard Narcissa grumble from the other room.

“Lily’s here!”

There was a pause and then the sound of clipped footsteps, and Narcissa rounded the corner.
She was wearing a button-up blouse and silk skirt, she even had small heels on, and Lily
blinked. Normally, Lily might think it absurd for someone to dress so nicely in their own
house, but it made sense that Narcissa might. She’d never been free to have imperfections
before.

“Hello,” Narcissa greeted politely, and Andy shook her head, nudging her sister fondly.
“Always so serious,” she grinned. “I’m heading out, I’ll see you next week. Don’t worry, Ted
is cooking, so you don’t have to worry about food poisoning.”

Narcissa grimaced but accepted the quick hug from her big sister, albeit stiffly.

“Fine, fine. Now get out.”

Lily couldn’t help but laugh to herself because it reminded her so much of Regulus and
Sirius. One full of loud affection and the other wishing to take it but unsure how. However, if
the Black brothers were any indication, Lily was sure Narcissa would learn. Sometimes Lily
found it surreal just how easily Regulus was able to offer love back to his brother these days
when he’d been so sharp and tense in the beginning.

As Andromeda left, Narcissa turned to Lily, frowning when she saw her smile. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just nice to see you two together. Reminds me of Sirius and Regulus.”

“Sirius and Regulus adore each other,” Narcissa shook her head. “Always have. Sirius raised
that boy. Andy and I are different. It’ll never be quite as easy for us to accept one another.”

“I don’t think it was easy for Sirius and Reg,” Lily said, remembering the years of pain
between them. The Sirius Black who’d sat in her kitchen on the anniversary of Regulus’s
“death” and acted as if the fact meant nothing to him.

“Not easy, easier. They’re different.”

“Well, either way, you’re still repairing your relationship aren’t you?”

“Only because I lost one sister already, and I can’t lose both.”
“Oh,” Lily said, remembering Bellatrix with a furrowed brow, because no matter what kind
of person she was, she was still somebody’s sister. A person that Narcissa had lost.

“Don’t pity me,” Narcissa said quickly, turning, her long hair swaying slightly as she started
absentmindedly pulling out the tools necessary to make tea. “I don’t, and I don’t pity Bella.
She knew what she was doing. Maybe the way we grew up didn’t help shape her into a better
person, but it can’t be blamed for who she was, either. I’m lucky to have Andy back, even
when it’s difficult. But I think… not every relationship is meant to be reconciled. You don’t
get every sister back.”

Lily must have reacted visibly to that because Narcissa paused, tilting her head as she turned
to look Lily dead in the eye.

“Do you have a sibling?” she asked.

“I do,” Lily swallowed, her mouth dry. “An older sister, Petunia.”

“Ah, you’ve never mentioned.”

“No, well she isn’t a witch… I mean, obviously, I’m muggleborn but it was always a point of
conflict for us. She was jealous of me, I was jealous of her.”

“You were jealous of your muggle sister?” Narcissa asked, sounding a little surprised. Lily
was reminded suddenly that Narcissa had grown up very entrenched in pureblood culture and
ideals. However, she didn’t seem disgusted by the fact, rather, she sounded curious.

“Yes, I may have had magic, but she had things I didn’t. For eleven years we grew up the
same. Same home, same friends and school. Then I left all of it, and every year I got further
away. One day I came home and realized it wasn’t really home anymore. I didn’t know any
of my friends, didn’t recognize the people, places, even my family. My parents were always
so proud of me and incredibly supportive, but I barely even saw them anymore. As much as
they loved me, I grew up without them. Petunia didn’t. She had the perfect muggle life.
Popular clothes, plenty of friends, she got to see our parents every day and married her
boyfriend right out of school and had a son. I wanted that.” Lily bit her lip, shrugging
helplessly. “And I mean, I think she felt the same about me, no matter what she said.”

“What did she say?” Narcissa asked quietly.

Lily grimaced, her mouth twisting. “That I was a freak, that I abandoned our family and I
never loved them… the works. My mum always said she was just jealous. That I had magic,
and these exciting friends, and a glamorous life. I was so stumped by it because my life didn’t
feel like that. I spent every moment trying to prove my worth, feeling out of place, like I
didn’t deserve to be here. I started dating James and we had Harry, and to Petunia, I think it
seemed like I thought it was so perfect… but it wasn’t. James was already in love with
Regulus, and he’d never be able to give me what I wanted. And I was in love with my best
friend, though it’d take me years to learn how to admit that. It’d take her dying for me to face
it…” Lily swallowed. “Now I wonder if I was being oblivious too, if Petunia was just as
unhappy as I was and we were both blind ,but after my parents died… that was that. Our
relationship was over. I’ve only seen her once since then and that was years ago, right before
the war ended when she watched Harry for me.”

“Do you want to repair your relationship?” Narissa asked, and Lily realized no one had ever
asked her if that was something she wanted. Most people just assumed she did or didn’t.

“I don’t know,” Lily admitted helplessly. “I want to talk to her, but I fear we’re too different,
that she hates me too much. I don’t want to put myself in the path of someone who can’t give
me anything but bitterness. But I’d like to talk to her again, at the very least.”

“You deserve a sister who doesn’t hurt you,” Narcissa tucked a piece of her blonde hair
behind her ear. “If you want to repair your relationship, I hope you do. If she doesn’t treat
you how you deserve, then I hope you find whatever you need to move forward.”

“I – ” Lily swallowed, emotion building in her throat. “Thank you,” she whispered, because
the notion was so incredibly sweet but also because no one had ever told her that before. It
was a freeing thought, that somebody wanted her to do what was right for her.

“Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to destroy yourself for them,”
Narcissa said gently, and she stepped forward. “You do your best, and it’s up to your sister
 whether she accepts you for who you are. If she doesn’t, then you’re better off.”

“If she doesn’t…” Lily began, looking up at the taller woman, “I’ll be okay. I have more than
enough.”

She felt caught in Narcissa’s intense gaze, light grey eyes unsure but determined as she
carefully touched Lily’s arm. “I can see that.”

Lily smiled, taking a deep breath. The thought of speaking with Petunia was daunting, the
premature feeling of rejection itching under her skin. But for all the acceptance she wished
from Petunia, she realized she really did mean it. She wasn’t like Sirius and Regulus or
Narcissa and Andromeda, and that was okay. She’d always love Petunia, but she had more
than enough without her.

Chapter End Notes

SO you may notice there's now a finalized chapter count!! That's right babes I
FINISHED writing!! I'm still adding things and tweaking chapters so I'm looking at a
final word count of 240-250k words, but it's only a few scenes and things that I didn't
get to fit in by the end and wanted to include. (If you follow me on tiktok you know this
because I posted about it, and I'll say this here too since I got a lot of questions. It's a
happy ending! no MCD ever I swear.)

Thanks as always to my lifesaver of a beta @pastelanxiete because this fic would not
have become what it is without help and I'm so proud and excited to share what's to
come. (next chapter is a big one!!!)

Anyway, it's my birthday this coming week so next time I see you, I will be 21 (I know
I'm getting old). See you next Friday babes <333 ily so much

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Notes

Minor warning for discussion of/implied sexual content. Not explicit. This chapter is
emotionally a lot (not that the entire fic ISN'T...)

See the end of the chapter for more notes

“So you’re coming round for lunch tomorrow, then?” Sirius questioned, leaning over the
kitchen counter to watch Regulus cook.

“Yes…”

“I heard you and James have been talking again.”

Regulus shot his brother a sharp glare. “Yes, we’re friends now.”

Sirius let out an undignified snort. “Are you really?”

“Yes!” Regulus said sharply. “Is that really so implausible?”

“I mean… I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Well, as I’m coming for lunch, you will.”

And well, it turned out Regulus wasn’t entirely lying. He came over for lunch, and it was
fine, if not a little stilted, but they didn’t argue. Sirius would know because he watched them
with narrowed eyes the entire day.

Huh, so maybe the ‘friend’ thing was working?

“So,” Emma Vanity draped herself over James’s sofa, “Regulus Black. Interesting guy.”

James sat up, closing the book he’d been reading with a snap. “Yes?”

“Hm, I’m just saying. I’ve never really seen much of him.”

“He was away.”

“I know,” Emma said, graciously pretending she didn’t know anything about Regulus’s
departure after the war. As if James hadn’t spent days crying on her shoulder about it. “He’s
pretty quiet.”

“He can be.”

“You didn’t even look at him,” Emma said, turning to look James in the eye.

“We’re friends now, I didn’t want to fight with him.”

“Friends don’t ignore each other.”

“I wasn’t ignoring him,” James countered, crossing his arms.

Emma clicked her tongue. “I won’t argue this because you’re clearly not going to listen to
me, but don’t you dare act all surprised when this goes to shit.”

“It won’t, we’re fine. I can be his friend.”

Emma shook her head, but she didn’t comment on that. “Well, I like Regulus. You know, we
talked the other day.”

“You talked,” James asked, eyes widening. “What did you–”

“Relax,” Emma sighed, “it wasn’t about you, but we’re friends now. I wanted to bind the
letters Sophie and I used to exchange and give them to her for our anniversary. Sirius told me
Regulus knows how, so I asked him about it. We hung out, and he showed me how. I like
him. He’s mean.”

“Of course you like him,” James frowned because he could one-hundred percent see Emma
and Regulus becoming fast friends. They had the same Slytherin wit and sharpness about
them.

“I do. We’re friends. Now, the two of you, however–”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough, Merlin. I told you we’re fine.”

Emma didn’t need to say anything to that, she only raised her eyebrows and James flopped
back on the sofa with a groan.

It was fine.

–
Regulus was two seconds from strangling James Potter.

Friends? Friends! What the fuck had he been thinking agreeing to something as insane as
that? Regulus couldn’t be friends with James. Regulus was two seconds from punching him
in the face.

“Sirius likes this kind of wine.”

“Sirius likes any alcohol, get him something that won’t be abysmal.”

“But that’s exactly it! As long as he can get drunk, he doesn’t care. The only one who cares is
you.”

“Your guests will care.”

“The guests will be fine, half of them already live in our house anyway.”

“Don’t you want to impress Emma’s partner? What about Lily? Sirius told her she should
bring a plus one, don’t you wanna impress her new date?”

“Why would I, her ex, want to impress her new date?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I mean, we’re not going to be friends.”

“Why, because you’re her ex?”

“Yes! It doesn’t work like that.”

“Lily is your ex, and so am I. We’re friends. I don’t see the difference.”

“It’s a very big difference!”

“You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”

“You know what? No! I don’t think I will!”

“James Potter, you insufferable piece of sh—”

“If the two of you don’t quit fighting, I’m leaving you here!” Remus snapped, spinning on
them. “Dear fucking god, Lily isn’t bringing a date! You’re fighting over a hypothetical
situation!”

“Hey, hey, Moony! He called me a piece of shit, did you hear that? Remus! No way did I
warrant that reaction!”

“I only called it like I see it! You’re being purposefully difficult!” Regulus insisted.

“Shhh!” Remus hissed sharply, promptly shutting them both up. “Regulus, the wine doesn’t
matter, Sirius will drink anything and Lily’s date doesn’t exist. But if they did, they’d no
doubt be scared off by the two of you and your god awful, unending bickering! Let’s please
finish our shopping before we get kicked out of the store.”

They didn’t argue after that, completing their shopping in silence… though that was mostly
because Remus immediately shot them a sharp glare as soon as either of them dared to open
their mouths.
“How was shopping?” Lily asked brightly as they shuffled into the house.

“It was good,” James grinned, and Regulus scoffed

“Oh of course you think that! You got your disgusting wine.”

“Oh boo-hoo!” James’s smile instantly melted away. “You called me a piece of shit! I don’t
get what your deal is, it’s not like you’re going to drink the wine anyway. Just because it’s not
world-class—”

“It doesn’t go with the food at all!”

“And? Half of us will no doubt wind up drinking firewhiskey straight from the bottle, this
isn’t a fucking five-star meal. It’s Sirius’s birthday, it’ll be a fucking disaster anyway. It’s just
about having fun! Oh wait, but apparently fun isn’t something you’re capable of.”

“For the record, I actually called you an insufferable piece of shit because you are the most
annoying fucking human being on the planet! And I’m capable of lots of fun, they actually
threw me into rehab for too much fun.”

“I’m insufferable?” James scoffed, his voice rising. “You’re the one who’s being a wine snob!
And they threw you into rehab for the drugs, not fun! I’d know; you’re the least fun drug
addict on the planet!”

“Okay, well now you’re just being insensitive, you emotionally stunted prat—”

“Shopping was awful because they cannot stop acting like fucking children!” Remus yelled,
effectively cutting them off while Lily stood there looking entirely unsure what to do and
Sirius watched wide-eyed.
“Whoa, what in Merlin’s name is up with you two?” Sirius asked, his gaze flicking between
them.

“Nothing!” James and Regulus both snapped in unison, and Sirius instantly put his hand up in
surrender.

“Okay, geez,” he shook his head. “Fine, I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole.” Sirius
waved a hand between them.

Regulus huffed unhappily, crossing his arms, and James began to moodily unload the
groceries, making far more noise than he needed to.

“Anyway,” Sirius said pointedly, “come on Reg, it’s time to go flat hunting.”

Regulus sighed. “Do we have to? I’ve changed my mind.”

“Nope, no way,” Sirius said, grabbing Regulus’s arm. “You said you wanted to get a flat,
everyone agrees this is a great and important step. You need your own space, and I’m not
letting you back out of this.”

“What if I just moved into Grimmauld Place?”

“Please,” Sirius scoffed, “we both know that’s never happening. Now come on, hurry up.
We’ve got to go.”

Regulus joined Sirius, leaving the house without another argument with James, much to
Remus’s relief, it seemed.

“Seriously, what’s going on?” Sirius asked as they toured the first flat and Regulus
scrutinized the woods floors.
“Plenty of things, I’m sure,” Regulus replied, absently nudging the floor with his toe as if that
would get it to reveal its secrets.

“What are you even looking for?” Sirius complained, following his gaze to the floor. “It’s just
a floor.”

“Quality,” Regulus said simply, and Sirius sighed dramatically.

“Okay, whatever. But I meant, what’s going on with James?”

“I thought you were leaving that be,” Regulus muttered.

“You’d think, but I don’t have many survival instincts… So tell me! Like, I thought the two
of you were friends now?”

“We are friends.”

“You’re not acting like friends.”

“Well,” Regulus huffed, rounding on his brother. “That’s because I just- I mean I…”

“You what?”

“I want to punch him in the face!”

“You…” Sirius began, pulling an incredulous expression, “want to punch him in the face…”
he repeated slowly.
“Yes!”

“Right…” Sirius said, looking completely baffled. “I- why?”

“Because he’s the most annoying, insufferable human being I’ve ever met!”

“Are you just realizing that?”

“No of course not! I know that James never shuts up, I know he can ramble for hours about
absolutely nothing, and he never does his hair, his glasses are always smudged. I know he has
literally the worst taste in pretty much everything, his clothes are a mess, his music taste is
abysmal, he drinks way too much coffee for someone with that amount of natural energy, he
offensively defaces all of his books, and he doesn’t care for most classics. He’s the worst!
He’s so annoying. We are opposites in every single fucking way, and I want to punch him in
the face!”

Sirius didn’t look like Regulus’s little tangent had cleared anything up for him. “Okay?” He
said in confusion, and Regulus just sighed.

“I hate this flat,” he said, spinning on his heel. “Next.”

Sirius quickly followed after him, muttering under his breath. Regulus didn’t catch exactly
what Sirius was saying, but it sounded like a list of reasons why one doesn’t fuck their best
friend’s little brother, which… was fair. Yes, that was very fair. Regulus perked up. Maybe if
he goaded Sirius on the topic enough, he would punch James.

“So… like overall, how do you feel about the concept of James getting punched in the face?”
Regulus asked hopefully. Sirius only let out a trademark dramatic sigh and pushed past him
out the door.
“No,” he said firmly.

“Wait!” Regulus said, quickly chasing after him. “You didn’t even hear me out!”

--

“Remus, it’s nice to meet you.”

Next to him, Sirius didn’t say a word, scrutinizing the woman and Remus quickly nudged
him. Sirius glared, honestly, he was trying to get a look at her.

“I’m Sirius,” he said finally, narrowing his eyes. She looked a little scared, which honestly,
Sirius was glad for. If she wasn’t, Sirius might have hated her more.

“I’m Sophie, though I suppose you know that,” she said quietly, holding out a hand which
Remus promptly shook and Sirius did as well after a look from Lily.

“You don’t need to intimidate her,” Emma complained. “I’m plenty capable of beating her ass
if needed, not that we need to. She’s perfect and lovely. You know, Sophie and I have been
together for years, Sirius. You’re late to the party.”

The thing was, Sirius had come to very much like Emma Vanity. She was sharp and sarcastic,
never afraid to speak her mind. He couldn't deny that ever since James had brought her into
their lives, Sirius had become attached and a little protective, as he was with all his loved
ones.

A moment later, a door banged open and there was the sound of arguing. Remus grimaced,
hissing through his teeth. “Look Sophie, it’s great to meet you, but I have to warn you in
advance—”

Remus was cut off as James and Regulus rounded the corner, voices raised.
“… no, because I didn’t say that!”

“Yes, you did! That is exactly what you said, word for word! I repeated you, Regulus.”

“No, you’re twisting my meaning!”

“What meaning? This isn’t an analysis, you literally said what you mean!”

“…about them,” Remus finished unhappily, his voice almost drowned out as James and
Regulus continued to argue.

Sophie’s eyes widened as she looked to James and Regulus and then back to Remus. “Um?”
she questioned, and Emma sighed next to her.

Thankfully, Lily cut in. “James Potter, Regulus Black!” She barely raised her voice, but they
both froze, turning to face her guiltily. “Enough.”

Remus scoffed when they both immediately shut up. “Oh, so you’ll listen to Lily?”

Neither said a word. James just shrugged helplessly and Regulus glared, though of course not
at Lily, never at Lily, instead his gaze was narrowed at Remus who really, Sirius thought,
hadn’t done anything at all.

“You two need to work out your shit,” Sirius remarked.

“There’s no shit,” James insisted.

“James Potter, you lied to me for years yet somehow that might be the biggest lie you’ve ever
told.”
James just clamped his mouth shut, looking slightly ashamed as he still tended to when the
topic of hiding his relationship with Regulus came up. It wasn’t really a point of contention
anymore. It might have been if not for Regulus returning from the dead, if Sirius had never
seen that strange quality that lay between them. Not to say he got it, no, how the two of them
worked (or didn’t at this moment) was still a mystery at that point. Sirius didn’t resent James
for it. Maybe it still angered him a little at times, but too much had happened to linger on it
these days.

“Sophie,” Lily sighed, “this is Regulus, Sirius’s brother and I believe you’ve met James.”

“It’s nice to meet you?” Sophie said a little uncertainly, but the anger James had been
directing at Regulus a moment ago quickly faded entirely in favor of a signature James Potter
grin.

“Hey Soph,” he beamed at the soft-spoken woman. “Glad you could make it! It’s past time
you were subjected to the chaos.”

Regulus just scrutinized Sophie wordlessly, and James poked him in the side to which
Regulus reacted by grabbing his fingers and twisting them backwards, ignoring his
exaggerated yelp of pain.

“If you so much as lightly offend Emma, I will kill you slowly and painfully. You’ll wish
you’d never been fucking born. You wouldn’t be the first person I killed, and I hoped there
wouldn’t be another, but I can make a sacrifice.”

Sophie just blinked, and Regulus turned away without another word, seemingly satisfied that
he’d gotten his point across.

James’s kind gaze narrowed for a moment as if waiting for anyone to say something bad
about Regulus. Instead, Emma laughed. “God, he’s the best.”
“I don’t like that you two are friends now,” James muttered and Emma rolled her eyes with
the air of someone who’d had this conversation before.

“He’s trying to scare you,” Emma sighed, looking to Sophie. “I did warn you. Regulus has a
problem with me making new friends.”

For all of Emma’s dark boldness, in contrast, Sophie was all soft edges and quiet smiles. It
was clear how the two fit so well together and how Emma had been willing to throw her
entire life away for the other girl. They clearly adored one another.

“Why are we all standing around?” Sirius clapped his hands. “It’s my birthday! Let’s
celebrate!”

“Yes, and happy birthday Sirius, don’t go and get a big head about it,” Emma scoffed,
pushing him away when he tried to throw his arms around her.

“It’s my birthday, is that not literally what the day is made for? For once, everyone can
recognize that it is all about me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Emma scoffed. “Rein in your narcissism.”

“I’m not a narcissist!”

“You absolutely are,” Regulus said, appearing at Sirius’s shoulder so suddenly that Sirius
jumped.

“Merlin, it’s like you appear from thin air just to insult me.”

“I do, it’s my job as your brother.”

“Bitch.”

“Asshole.”

“Both of you, shut up,” Remus snapped his finger at them and Sirius hated that it was a move
he used on Harry, hated even more that it worked.

“You’re moody tonight,” Sirius grinned, wrapping an arm around Remus’s shoulder.

“Because you’re all trying my fucking patience,” Remus said tiredly

“Hmm, poor Moony, I’ll kiss it better.”

“Please don’t—” Remus started but Sirius was already placing kisses on his cheeks while he
loudly complained, yet didn’t stop him.

“Let’s all get drunk!” Emma insisted loudly. “In Sirius’s honor!”

“Fuck yeah!” Sirius yelled, smiling brightly at the people around him. He couldn’t remember
the last time he had a proper party, and he was about to make the most of this one.

--

Regulus didn’t feel real.

He was watching his friends laughing, Lily was dancing with Remus, despite the fact that he
had thoroughly protested in the beginning. Emma, cutting in between them, twirling Lily
around as she giggled. James wasn’t far, leaning against a wall as he chatted with Sophie.

Regulus was just there. He was standing in the corner, trying to breathe, to blink the heavy
feeling out of his eyelids. He felt a little hazy, like memories were beginning to overlap on
top of each other. Regulus was there, he was at Sirius’s party, but he was also in America,
surrounded by people, colored lights flashing overhead while Théo grinned.

“Let’s dance!” Théo exclaimed.

“Reg?”

Regulus blinked. Sirius was standing in front of him, brow furrowed seriously despite his less
than sober state.

Théo was gone. Or no– he’d never been there. Théo was dead.

“Huh?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Sirius frowned. “Do you want to go home?”

Regulus wanted to tell him no. He wanted to erase the fact that Sirius was worrying about
him on his birthday of all days, but he couldn’t. Sirius knew Regulus well, and he wouldn’t
enjoy the rest of the night if he was watching Regulus in the corner the entire time.
“Maybe,” Regulus admitted, and Sirius leaned in to hear him over the music, nodding once
he processed the words.

“Okay, then you should go. James can take you, he’s sober.”

“I’m sober—” Regulus protested but Sirius was already waving James over.

“Can you take Reg home?”

“Sure,” James agreed immediately, and Regulus wasn’t sure if he was surprised by that. He
was still James, and of course that included agreeing to leave a party for Regulus, no
questions asked.

The apparition point near Cissa’s house was a bit of a walk away, and even after apparating
them, James walked with Regulus silently.

They didn’t talk, which was probably good because if they did, Regulus was sure they’d start
arguing. Lately, all James did was make his blood boil, and despite the fact that Sirius
thought Regulus was simply being difficult, he couldn’t properly explain it. All they did was
wind each other up, and it scared Regulus. It terrified him that maybe he and James had their
chance and missed it. Maybe now all that was left between them was anger and annoyance.

Cissa was gone for the night. She was in the process of renovating their France property, and
she’d taken Draco with her to visit for a few days. The house was quiet as Regulus unlocked
the front door, letting James follow him inside.

“Uh– thanks,” Regulus said, turning to him. “You really didn’t have to do this. I know how
Sirius is, but I would have made it here just fine.”

“Yeah, well it’ll give him peace of mind,” James shrugged. “He worries about you.”
“I don’t need to be worried about,” Regulus snapped, instantly kicking himself. They’d made
it an entire two sentences without fighting.

“I didn’t say you did,” James protested. “I said that Sirius worries. He’s your big brother, of
course he does.”

“And because I’m an addict,” Regulus scoffed. “Because I don’t even know how to keep
myself alive properly, right?”

“You’re putting words in my mouth Regulus.”

“So that’s not what you think? Shouldn’t you know better than anyone that it’s true?”

“Just because that’s how you view yourself doesn’t mean that’s how everyone else does,”
James said tightly, and Regulus could tell by the clench of his jaw that he was close to
cracking. Good. Regulus wanted to see him break, wanted him to get angry or yell, anything
to feel something, to make James look at him like he was still there..

“Really, is that so James?” Regulus spat, voice filled with far more venom than was probably
necessary.

“Yes!” James shouted, his voice raised now as he glared fiercely. “Why do you do this? Why
do you have to fucking twist everything? I walked you home because Sirius cares about you,
not because I don’t think you can take care of yourself! I did it because it doesn’t hurt to be
safe, and because I care about you!”

“Well, you have a real funny way of showing it?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” And oh, James was livid now. “Have I not given
everything for you? Have I not proved I care time and time again, is that not enough? Do you
want me to give more?”
“I never asked you to give anything!”

“I know you didn’t! I did it because I wanted to!”

“Then why are you angry? Why are you acting like it’s my fault?”

“I’m not angry! You’re just the most impossible, infuriating person! You’re picking fights,
you’re pushing my buttons, you’re getting under my fucking skin!”

“Me? Me?” Regulus scoffed, pointing accusingly and stepping forward. “You’ve refused to
let anything lie for weeks, and then you have the audacity to act like I’m the only one at fault
for fighting!” Regulus poked a finger at James’s chest. “I have never fucking met a person
who’s a greater nuisance than you, you immature, foolish—”

If you asked Regulus later how it happened, he couldn’t have told you.

One moment, he was stepping into James’s space, ready to destroy him within an inch of his
life, and the next, James’s hand was on Regulus’s chest, firm and inescapable as he pushed
him backwards. Regulus’s back hit the wall, knocking the breath out of him.

Then…

Then, James was kissing him. Kissing him like they’d never done it before, like if he didn’t,
he might die. And– well, yeah. Regulus was pretty sure he was about to fucking die.

He couldn’t breathe, the air in his lungs burned his throat. James’s fingers were hot coals,
searing Regulus’s skin.
It took Regulus a good second to catch up, but when he did, he was kissing back just as
enthusiastically. As if he might swallow James whole, break him open and crawl into his
chest. Regulus needed that, to sit warm under his ribs right next to his beating heart. He
needed James to tear him apart, rip his flesh with his fingers so there might be physical proof
of the feeling rushing over him.

Regulus had not forgotten how to kiss James Potter.

He’d thought up until this point that he may have. He hadn’t. It was as easy and as hard as
breathing when he wanted nothing less, pure instinct, frustrating that he couldn’t stop.

Regulus’s hands remembered they could move, and after that realization, he wasted no time,
his hands slipping under James’s shirt to feel the smooth expanse of his stomach. The sound
that James let out at the contact was like nothing Regulus had ever heard.

Let it be noted that James and Regulus had been in plenty of compromising positions
together, but much to Regulus’s surprise, in the beginning, James was quiet. It took a lot to
get a sound out of him, and when Regulus did manage, he felt incredibly accomplished. So
this, the hungry, almost wounded sound that punched out of James’s mouth was dizzying. It
set Regulus alight and he couldn’t manage any semblance of control, kissing James back so
hard their teeth clacked painfully and Regulus could taste blood on his tongue. He didn’t
care.

All he cared about was James’s fingers on his waist, his grip almost bruising. His other hand
firmly around Regulus’s jaw, holding him in place, not that Regulus was going anywhere.
How had he spent so long not doing this? Had it always been so good? He remembered it
being good, even amazing at times, but the intensity never matched this. Years of pent-up
tension, anger and love, finally coming to a head.

Maybe it was a bad idea. Regulus was pretty sure he remembered a conversation like that in
James’s bathroom. They’d both agreed fucking was a very bad, terrible idea. Truly, not a
bright idea… Regulus couldn’t remember why. Now, James fingers were dipping under his
waistband and Regulus was choking into James’s mouth at the first bit of contact. And oh,
James caught that, and it seemed he liked it very much because a moment later, he was lifting
Regulus as if it were nothing and carrying him up the stairs. Regulus was left to do nothing
but let himself be thrown onto his bed after James had shouldered open his bedroom door.
Articles of clothing were quickly discarded, and neither stopped to consider their actions.
The world tipped around Regulus, falling right off its axis. Nothing he thought he knew felt
real anymore. He was drowning, but for once, he couldn’t even feel fear. His lungs were full
of nothing but James Potter. The wave washed over him and he couldn’t breathe.

Regulus gasped, the sound echoing through the silence, and then the fire was fading, the spin
of the room slowing. Nothing to blur the lack of distance between them, their breath caught
in each other’s mouths as James’s head fell, their foreheads resting together. James nosed his
face into Regulus’s cheek, breathing in deeply like he was trying to ingrain the feeling of
Regulus’s skin into his mind.

They stayed like that for a long time, existing in the heavy darkness. Regulus was afraid if he
moved or either of them spoke, something between them would shatter.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, James pulled away.

Regulus didn’t say a word, just closed his eyes, lying there quietly.

He hadn’t realized he was crying until a few minutes later. The bed dipped and James was
leaning over him, voice raw. “Oh, Reg, hey…”

He had a wet flannel in one hand, and he brushed Regulus’s tears away with the other before
carefully wiping at Regulus’s stomach and thighs, fingers gentle and careful like he was
something precious.

Regulus cried harder, and a moment later, James was shifting closer, pulling Regulus into his
arms. Regulus tucked his head into James’s neck and sobbed.

He sobbed like he was a child, locked in his room while he helplessly turned the doorknob,
hearing his brother’s screams of pain from downstairs. He was sixteen, throwing up in the
back garden after the mark had been burned into his skin, Narcissa’s voice in his ear.
 “Pull yourself together, don’t let them see this,” she’d whispered, and Regulus had only
shaken with grief for the life he now knew he could never live.

He was standing alone in the forbidden forest, staring at the spot James had stood in, hands
trembling with the effort of not letting the sobs escape from his throat.

He was eighteen, coughing up water on the ground, nerves on fire, pain screaming through
his veins. He was alive, but he didn’t know what to do with that.

He was twenty-four, naked and vulnerable in James’s arms as the other man held him tightly
without saying a word. He was twenty-four, and he was afraid their relationship was damaged
irreparably, and what had they done? They’d had sex like that would fix anything. Now,
Regulus was crying like a fucking idiot.

“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered into James’s neck, though he wasn’t exactly sure what he
was apologizing for.

James was quiet for such a long moment that Regulus began to worry that he shouldn’t have
said it, but finally James spoke, his voice low. “I’m sorry, too.” And really, Regulus wasn’t
sure what he was apologizing for, either.

He couldn’t help but notice that neither said they accepted the other’s apology.

Chapter End Notes

SO what do we think?? I'm sorry, it WILL get better eventually and they will all live
happily ever after... just not yet.

I know I have a lot of readers who are on the younger side so I wanted to handle any
sexual content sensitively, I hope this doesn't feel uncomfortable for anyone. The
situation is very complex and they both made a bad decision here BUT, they're both
consenting adults even if it was stupid.

On an entirely separate note, I posted a little fic called slow endings that is kind of
related to anti-hero. I've played into the idea that canon is another universe/life that still
exists out there somewhere and slow endings directly shows one of these other lives.
I've received such a wonderful response regarding that fic and to anyone who read it or
commented I cannot thank you enough. I think I'm going to put it (and possibly another
fic I have an idea for...) into a series once anti-hero is finished because once you read the
ending of this fic... you'll see how closely they relate.

Anyway, I love you all as always, you make writing so much fun! Today is my last day
of the semester and then I'm free for the summer so expect lots and lots of new things
coming your way.

See you next Friday!

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter thirty-five
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The house was quiet when James returned. The music had been lowered to barely a hum and
a few lamps were lit, bathing the place in a comforting, warm glow. There was the muffled
sound of quiet voices and James turned the corner. Lily and Remus were talking quietly while
Remus was dragging Sirius up the stairs.

“Oh, hey, night Prongs,” Remus waved, pulling on a very drunk Sirius’s arm.

“Prongs!” Sirius said, lighting up, and Remus immediately grabbed him before he could take
off.

“No, Pads, we’re going to bed. You need sleep. You’ll see James tomorrow.”

“But I love him,” Sirius sniffed, eyes wide. “I love him so much, Moony! Prongs is the best. I
love you, too. I love you and Regulus and Lily and Harry and I also love soup, don’t you love
soup, Moony?”

“Yes, I love soup and I love you and so does everyone else. You can tell them all that
tomorrow when you’re sober.”

“Okay. I love you, Prongs!” Sirius called over his shoulder as Remus began pushing him up
the stairs.

“I love you too, Pads.”

“Did you hear that?” James heard Sirius say as the sound of his voice faded with each step.
“Prongs loves me.”
“Course he does…”

The door upstairs shut and Lily quirked her eyebrow at James, smiling in amusement.

“I always forget Sirius only has two moods while drunk, an absolute prick or the sweetest
person you’ve ever met.” She shook her head.

James nodded, humming in agreement.

Lily’s eyes narrowed at his lack of proper response. “What?”

“What?”

“Something happened. You’re being weird.”

“I didn’t even say anything.”

“Exactly,” she said, suspiciously. “Spit it out, James.” James glanced up the stairs where
Sirius had disappeared and Lily’s jaw dropped. “No, James… you didn’t!”

“I- oh come on, how could you possibly know? I didn’t even say anything!”

“You didn’t need to… you took Regulus home and then disappeared for hours, now you look
as if you’re waiting for Sirius to come down the stairs and beat you.”

“…I slept with him,” James whispered, his voice cracking on the last word, and Lily winced.
“Oh, James… please tell me that’s because you worked things out.” Even as she said it,
James could tell she didn’t believe that was true.

“No, no. Nothing is worked out. I think I made it worse. I- I fucked up Lily, I really fucked
up. I don’t know what I was thinking. We were fighting, he was right there and I just wasn’t
even thinking. I was so frustrated, and I wanted him so badly.”

“Come on, let’s make tea,” Lily said briskly, turning and heading into the kitchen without
looking back.

“It isn’t weird for me to talk about this with you?” James asked, following her.

She laughed over her shoulder, shooting him a look. “James, I think we’re far past that.”

“Well, yes—”

“Good, then shush. Sit.”

James obeyed, watching her fix tea for them in silence. The world was quiet outside, and he
tried not to imagine Regulus, probably tucked into his bed where James had carefully left
him, tears dried on his face. James had stayed for a long time, just holding Regulus close and
wishing he had a Time-Turner to take it back. For only a brief second, he’d had Regulus
under his hands, a fire blazing in his chest. He’d been high off the exhilaration, the feeling of
pure bliss. Then it was gone, crashing down around them and Regulus was crying, and James
knew he’d done a terrible thing.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Regulus was a little better than he’d been, sure. The
color was slowly returning to his cheeks, his wrists a little less delicate and the bags under his
eyes lighter, but he still wasn’t entirely steady. He spent half his time staring blankly over
people’s shoulders, and as someone who’d spent years doing the exact same thing, James
knew what he was looking at. Ghosts crept behind the living, peering over them and
whispering in their ears. Sometimes, James still felt Regulus’s ghost, even when he was
living and breathing next to him. He had to resist the urge to reach out and put his hand on
the younger man’s skin, to find his pulse and never let go.

Because sometimes, James woke up and Regulus was still dead.

He wasn’t. He was alive. He woke every morning and drank tea and made his bed. He rolled
his eyes at Sirius, bickered lightly with Remus, and always saved a faint smile for Lily. He
humored Harry whenever he wanted to play an elaborate game of pretend and still read books
with James in mind. But none of that erased the years that, to James, Regulus had been dead.

In that first year James knew Regulus was alive, he thought the feeling might go away, that
the grief would fade. It hadn’t. James still raised his head, the feeling sharp, biting at the back
of his throat. It was still there, James just didn’t have anywhere to put it.

Lily was right. They were long past it being weird to talk about Regulus, because they shared
something there. No matter that Regulus wasn’t really dead, no matter that Mary was but Lily
had never had a relationship with her, there was something that was the same there.
Something that bonded Lily and James together in a way that couldn’t be properly voiced,
that they’d never dared to speak aloud. Lily watched ghosts sometimes too, her gaze far
away, brow furrowed. James would reach out, squeezing her shoulder and never saying a
word. She’d spent years doing the same for him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lily asked softly, pushing a cup of tea toward him.

James blinked, wrenched from the deep pit of his thoughts.

“I… I’m not sure what there is to say. I did a stupid thing, I lost control. I shouldn’t have
done it.”

“You regret it?”

“I hurt him,” James said shortly. “I regret that. Regulus isn’t in a place where I should have
even thought of touching him. I’m not in that place. We’ve been at each other’s throats lately
and I’m so angry, he’s so angry, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. I don’t
even know why I feel on the edge of losing my shit whenever I’m around him. I thought I
was past that by now, but maybe not.”

“Well, James…” Lily said leaning against the counter, her green eyes glinting in the dim
light. James thought faintly that she was beautiful. Not in a sexual or romantic way, but in
pure admiration. In the way that their son had the same intense and bright eyes. Lily Evans
was one of the strongest, warmest, and most courageous people he’d ever known, and he was
met with a surge of love for her at that moment. “Things shifted after he was taken by Barty,”
Lily noted. “Reg nearly died, we were in the midst of the war. You were terrified when you
realized how much you still cared about him, and really, you were almost forced by
circumstances to abandon your anger at that moment. You’re allowed to still be angry. You’re
allowed to be angry that he left and angry that you thought he was dead. You don’t need to be
past it.”

“But I- I thought I was…” James admitted, his voice small. “I really wanted to be because I
do love him. But I don’t really know what that means anymore.”

“Maybe you need to talk to Regulus about it?”

“I’m not sure I know how to talk to him anymore. Like I can’t stop myself from yelling, and
all he does is start fights even when I try to keep my head on. I- I’m afraid, Lils… I’m
terrified that after everything, this is it. That we’re too far gone.”

“It’s not an impossibility James,” she said gently, reaching out to squeeze his arm. “But if you
never try, how will you know?”

James knew the logic. He knew what she was saying: if he left it like this out of fear, he’d
probably lose Regulus. Then what would it matter if he’d already lost Regulus, because it’d
happen anyway? But James couldn’t look him in the eye or stomach finding out right now.

--
“You have plans today?”

Sirius looked up from his breakfast, taking in the way James’s fingers were wound tightly
together and immediately frowning. “No, why?”

“You should go check on Regulus.”

Sirius shook his head, trying to clear away the fuzziness still lingering despite the hangover
potion he’d downed a moment earlier. “Why? Is something wrong?” Sirius asked sharply,
alarm bells going off in the back of his mind.

“Uh–” James shifted, and Sirius knew him well enough to sit up straighter, eyes narrowed in
suspicion. “He just didn’t seem right last night…” James finished.

Sirius shot him what he hoped was a scathing and intimidating look, but frankly, he was
afraid to know why James was acting the way he was. Whatever his deal was, something told
Sirius he did not want to get in the middle of it right now. There was a warring part of Sirius
that wanted to press and get James to break, a lingering insecurity from the years of secrets
between the two of them. However, James had stuck around this long, and they’d made it
through the worst of it, so Sirius imagined beating down the insecure part of himself
(violently, and with a very large stick) and kept his mouth shut.

“Okay, I’ll go see him today,” Sirius said eventually, and James seemed surprised by his lack
of an attack.

“Okay…” he said dumbly. “Cool?”

Sirius just sighed loudly to make his displeasure with the entire conversation known and
turned back to his breakfast.

As it turned out, James was right about checking on Regulus.

When Sirius turned up at Narcissa’s house not an hour after his talk with James, the place
was dark and Sirius felt uneasy. He knew Narcissa was away, but Regulus had always been
an early riser, and the sun was far too high in the sky for him to still be in bed on a typical
day. Much to his surprise, it seemed Narcissa had keyed Sirius into the wards and he was able
to let himself in, his footsteps loud in the quiet stillness of the house.

Something about breaking the silence felt wrong, so instead of yelling into the house like he
usually would, he crept up the stairs and stopped outside Regulus’s bedroom door. He
knocked softly.

“Reg?”

There was no reply, and so with his heart in his throat, Sirius hesitantly pushed the door open.
He felt a surge of relief when he realized Regulus was tucked in his bed, immediately
followed by concern when he took in his brother’s still form.

“Reggie?”

Regulus lifted his head slightly, looking at Sirius for a moment before burrowing back under
his blankets. “Go away.”

“No. Is something wrong?”

“I’m fine, just not feeling well,” Regulus mumbled, his voice almost unintelligible beneath
his blankets.

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah. A war, drug addiction, dead people…” Regulus muttered, always a little shit even
when he was clearly going through some sort of mental breakdown.
Sirius sighed, stepping into the room. Regulus must have known Sirius hadn’t left, but
despite being less than forthcoming, he didn’t tell him to leave again. After a moment, Sirius
made up his mind, climbing into Regulus’s bed and reaching out to poke his brother in the
shoulder.

“Can I stay?”

Regulus didn’t respond, but after a second, he shifted closer. Sirius took this as a sign and
leaned back, making room for Regulus to nudge his face into Sirius’s side. They were quiet
for a long time after that, and if not for the lingering tightness in Regulus’s limbs, Sirius
might have thought he’d fallen asleep.

After a long few moments of silence had passed, Sirius decided it was worth it to risk
speaking, even if Regulus bit his head off over it.

“James told me to check on you.” Regulus’s breath stuttered, and Sirius really had to fight
himself this time not to press on whatever had happened. “I don’t assume you want to talk
about that?”

“No.”

“Does it have something to do with why you’ve been fighting?”

“No,” Regulus said again, sharper this time, and it was clear if Sirius wanted to leave today in
good health, he’d best abandon the topic.

“Okay… but you know you can talk to me about things? I know we still disagree on a lot,
and we mostly have heart-to-hearts after near-death situations, but there don’t have to be any
extremes for us to talk. I’m always here for you, no matter what. Even if I’m not so great at
it, I’m still your big brother.”
Regulus lifted his head slightly at that, peeking through the top of his blankets. Sirius got his
first good look at his brother, and his heart ached as he noted his tangled curls and red eyes
that made it clear he’d been crying. “I know.” It was just as short as his other responses but
there was something genuine in his tone, enough that Sirius believed him. “And you are good
at it,” Regulus quickly added, ducking his head like he was embarrassed by the admission.

Sirius felt his face split into a wide smile. “Thanks, Reggie, you’re not too bad at the brother
thing yourself.” Regulus seemed to involuntarily grimace at that, and Sirius swatted at him
lightly. “Don’t make that face, you are.”

Sirius could see Regulus retreating back into himself again, but he didn’t pull the blankets
back over his head, so Sirius scooted closer. Regulus hesitated for a second before resting his
head on Sirius’s shoulder and closing his eyes to the stillness of the afternoon.

“I was twelve the first time I realized both of us wouldn’t get to live,” Regulus whispered,
and Sirius froze. “It took me a long time to realize that you didn’t go above and beyond to
take punishments for me just because you were my big brother, but because you knew if it
was the wrong day or I crossed the wrong line, they’d kill me. I was just the spare up until
you were disowned. Even at the very last moment, our parents held onto the hope that they
could make you into the heir they wanted. But if they could have… they wouldn’t have
needed me.”

“I never realized you knew,” Sirius said, his voice thick with the emotion building in his
throat.

“I knew… you didn’t just act out to spite them, you acted out to save me,” Regulus said
hollowly, his eyes still closed, not looking Sirius’s way. “Not that I always knew it, but
eventually I did. Eventually, I realized we’d never both survive them; I realized that Mother
and Father knew we loved each other and they’d never stand for that. They used us to control
each other and drove a wedge between us. Everything I despised you for, you’d done to
protect me. And you hated me for what I’d done to protect you.”

“What did you do?” Sirius whispered, though he was terrified he already knew the answer.

“The night you ran away, Mother knew you were leaving…”
“There’s no place for me.” Regulus had insisted when Sirius had begged him to come, so
young and so angry. Sirius had been furious, called him weak and a coward. All he wanted
was his little brother, but it’d been a long time since Regulus had wanted Sirius.

“I made a deal with her,” Regulus continued, and Sirius screwed his eyes shut. He wasn’t
sure he could bear to hear it. “She knew you were leaving, and she caught me that night. I
told her if they let you go, I’d do anything she wanted. I’d become the heir and take the dark
mark. At that point, I suppose she decided you were too much trouble, that she couldn’t beat
compliance into you. So, she agreed, as long as I was perfect. I couldn’t interact with you or
anyone else not approved. I had to get perfect marks and always conduct myself as an
unfaltering representation of our family. I agreed. I was willing to stay so you could live. Just
as you were willing to take punishment after punishment for me.”

Sirius didn’t know what kind of noise he must have made in reaction, but Regulus’s eyes flew
open and he tilted his head to look at Sirius.

“It’s not your fault, though,” Regulus continued quickly.

“Reg—”

“No,” Regulus said fiercely. “Do you blame me for all the punishments you took for my
sake?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Then that’s that. No ‘but’. I don’t blame you, Sirius, and I hope you don’t blame me. What
happened, happened, and I’ve forgiven you for everything. I hope one day you can do the
same for me.”

“I do forgive you,” Sirius said quickly, turning on his side so they were face to face. “I have.
You and me, there’s no bad blood left between us, okay? At least not on my side.”
“Nor on my side,” Regulus said softly.

“Wow…” Sirius shook his head. “Are we… good?”

“I think so,” Regulus said, and for the first time, the slightest trace of a smile graced the
corner of his lips. “Mother and Father must be rolling in their graves.”

“They always did hate that we love each other, but they never could have stopped it.”

“I killed Voldemort for you,” Regulus mused.

“Just for me? Not for the sake of the wizarding world?”

“No, not really. I don’t think I’m that good of a person. I did it for you. I made it this far out
of pure spite and rage, you know. I was supposed to die a long time ago.”

“No, you weren’t,” Sirius said firmly. “I don’t like when you say that. You weren’t, because
you’re here. You didn’t die at eighteen. Stop acting like you did.”

Sirius expected Regulus to snap at him over that because as ‘good’ as they were now, that
would never change. Instead, he turned his head, looking up at the ceiling as he whispered a
confession. “Sometimes I feel like I did.”

He didn’t continue, but Sirius got the feeling he wanted to, so he forced his mouth to stay
firmly shut, giving his brother the space to talk if he wanted to.

Eventually, Regulus spoke again. “I feel like life is happening around me and I’m the only
one who’s still there, standing still, looking back. Like I’m watching everyone else live their
lives, but I just can’t.”
“You’re not the only one,” Sirius told him softly. Regulus was twisting his fingers together
nervously, and Sirius reached out to still them. “You have a tendency to do that, don’t you?
You think that something is all on you or that you’re the only person who feels that way.
You’re not, Regulus. You’re not the only one struggling, and that’s not to say that you aren’t
allowed to struggle, but you’re not alone in it. I know it may seem like everyone else has just
moved on, but that’s not true. It takes time. No one wants to rush you. I knew you needed to
leave last night and I didn’t mind, I wanted you to go. As grateful as I am that you’re here, I
know you’re still in a bad place, and you don’t need to try to force yourself out of it. The rest
of us have been home, we had the space and time to settle in again in the past year while you
just came out of rehab. But you’re not dead, Regulus, and you weren’t supposed to die
because if you were, then you would have. But you’re alive. You’re alive.”

“I know. I just don’t fucking know what I’m supposed to do now. How do I live? I don’t have
a career, I didn’t even finish Hogwarts. I took my N.E.W.Ts privately and you know how
crooked private education like that is, so who knows if I even technically graduated under
new wizarding laws! I have a dark mark on my arm, and everyone knows me as the guy who
killed Voldemort. I’m living with Narcissa because I’m fresh out of rehab. I didn’t expect to
live this long, so I didn’t prepare for it and now I don’t know what to do!”

Sirius wasn’t sure what the right thing to say was, but he sat up, looking at Regulus,
determined to at least try. “None of that you need to be ashamed of,” he said after a second.
“You made it this far, and the war is over. It makes sense that you feel lost now. You’ve never
thought past the war. But I’m here, we all are while you figure it out. And as I said, there’s no
rush.

Regulus sat up properly for the first time since Sirius had entered his bedroom, wrapping his
blankets around his shoulders. “If I tell you something, will you promise not to be mad?” he
asked suddenly.

Sirius eyed him suspiciously. “What?”

“No, you have to promise, Sirius.”

“Okay, fine. I promise… So what is it?”

Regulus averted his gaze, pulling his blanket even tighter like it could shield him, which was
worrying. “I slept with James.”

“Okay…” Sirius said confused. “Didn’t we have this conversation that night at the Riddle
house?”

“No, no, Sirius, I don’t mean in general. I mean I slept with him last night.”

“What?” Sirius snapped, jumping up, and Regulus flinched back.

“You promised not to get mad!”

A voice that sounded very much like Remus scolded Sirius in the back of his mind.

Regulus is clearly having a hard time. He’s trying to open up to you, don’t ruin it because you
can’t stomach the thought of your brother and your best friend. Breathe and let him talk, you
can get mad later.

Sirius took a deep breath, slowly sitting back down. “Okay,” he forced out, and Regulus
blinked up at him as if waiting for him to explode.

When he didn’t, Regulus frowned. “Okay?”

“Yes,” Sirius insisted. “Go on?”

“I- well, now I don’t want to.”

“You brought it up, Reggie. I’m not getting mad, okay? I’m listening if you want to talk.”
“But you don’t want to listen, not about this.”

“Do I love the fact that this has happened? Do I love that it’s James? No, and no. But you’re
my little brother and I’m supposed to be able to talk to you about these things. Brothers do
that, right? Talk about boys and relationship advice. I want to be able to do that, so if you
want to talk, I want to try.”

“Well- I mean there’s not more to it,” Regulus mumbled. “I slept with James; it shouldn’t
have happened. He left, I haven’t gotten out of bed since, end of story.”

“He left you like this?”

“This?” Regulus repeated. “There’s no this. I’m fine. I was fine when he left. I told him to go.
He stayed with me for a long time. He didn’t even want to leave, but I was fine, I am fine.”

“He knew something was wrong. He told me to come today.”

“Nothing is wrong!”

“Okay! Fine, just so we don’t talk around in fucking circles. You’re fine, nothing is wrong.
Great! Moving on…” Sirius pressed. “What does this mean? Are you back together?”

“No,” Regulus said quickly, and Sirius’s heart dropped as he realized Regulus looked like he
was about to cry.

“Do you want to?” Sirius asked, any earlier harshness bleeding out of his voice.

“I can’t. Not now, and I don’t want him to wait for me anymore,” Regulus said quietly.
“Then… why did you do it?” Sirius asked slowly, hoping Regulus wouldn’t take it as an
attack.

“I couldn’t stop myself… I know you don’t want to hear about this from your brother, and
especially not concerning your best friend, but I’ve wanted James so badly for so long and I
just broke, okay? It was really fucking stupid, and I lost it after, and I think I freaked him out,
and all we do is fight anymore anyway. So, I don’t know why I did it! I love him, but I don’t
want him to wait for me anymore, so I don’t know, curse me for wanting it just once! I know
he’s moving on and that’s fine, that’s what I want. But I’m weak and I- I wanted him…”

“Regulus…” Sirius said, choosing to ignore that part about how badly Regulus wanted James
(ugh, James? Prongs? Why couldn’t it be anyone else?). “I don’t think he’s moving on at all.”

“No,” Regulus said firmly. “You haven’t seen it, he’s pulled away since I’ve been back. I
thought we could make it work, but it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want him
to put his life on hold for me.”

“But he apparently slept with you,” Sirius pointed out. “Assuming he was also an active
participant…” he forced himself not to grimace at that statement.

“It was just one last time. Really, it was just the next step in him moving on,” Regulus
maintained. “Get it out of his system, that’s all.”

Sirius wasn’t sure he believed that, but Regulus was already lying down and turning his back.

“Okay,” Sirius said softly, admitting defeat for the time being. “Can I stay?”

“Fine,” Regulus said unhappily, but he didn’t protest when Sirius lay down next to him,
closing his eyes. He listened to his brother’s deep breaths and let the silence fill the rest of the
afternoon.
--

“So did you all like Sophie?” Emma asked, perching on the counter next to where James was
cooking.

“Yes, very much so.” Lily paused, sighing. “Though I would have preferred if certain people
had behaved better and she’d gotten a better first impression. I really hoped an additional
guest would put some pressure on everyone to be nice.”

“Wow, manipulative, Evans,” Emma said approvingly. “I like it.”

“Move over, Em,” James sighed. “I’m trying to make you all dinner.”

“Bossy,” Emma rolled her eyes but hopped off the counter anyway.

The front door opened and James expected it to be Sirius, but instead, Remus walked
through, Harry right behind him who barreled into the house without so much as a hello.

“Hi, Harry!” James called after him. “Great to see you, so glad you stopped to talk!”

Remus just chuckled. “Apparently he has an urgent need to write letters to quidditch players.
George Weasley got a reply today and now they’re all on a mission to bombard every player
they know with letters until their owl inevitably gets blocked.”

“Ah,” James smiled because he remembered doing the exact same thing around Harry’s age.
“Well, then I’m sure he’ll be back insisting we correct his spelling. Pretty sure I drove my
mum nuts writing to my favorite player when I was young.”

“I can’t believe our son really is growing up to be a Quidditch fan. I mean not that I’m
surprised, yet, I’d still hoped for another outcome…” Lily sighed.
“You’ve seen him on a broom,” James noted. “That kid is going to be brilliant one day.
Especially if he manages to convince Regulus to train him soon, being dead set on seeker and
all.”

“Reg will break eventually,” Lily said worriedly, “and I fear that day because I do not want
my young son flying like that.”

The front door opened again, and this time James knew it must have been Sirius. He’d been
gone all day, and James was starting to worry about what that meant. The door slammed and
James immediately stiffened as he heard Sirius stomp forward, not even bothering to take off
his shoes.

“Oh shit,” James cursed. Remus barely had time to shoot James a questioning look before
Sirius was bursting into the kitchen.

“You fucked my little brother? James, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“You what?” Remus repeated and James winced.

“Look, Pads—”

“No, no! What the fuck, Prongs? Why would you do that? He’s a drug addict, he just got out
of rehab! He’s only been back for a few months, and you thought your best course of action
was to sleep with him and then ditch him?”

“No!” James insisted. “That’s not what happened. It was an accident.”

“You can’t accidentally have sex with someone’s brother!”

“Oh come off, Pads! Yes, I fucked up, I know that, you don’t need to tell me! And this isn’t
just ‘your brother’ we’re talking about, this is Regulus. Regulus, whom I have my own
separate relationship with!”

“A relationship that includes what? Fighting? Driving everyone around you absolutely
insane?”

“Okay, so it’s been tough lately, but that’s not any of your business, Sirius!”

“He’s my brother, you’re my best mate! Yes, it’s my fucking business!”

“No, Pads,” James said firmly. “Haven’t we been over this? I thought you understood. It’s
not. Look, of course, you are affected by this. You’re closely involved in both of our lives,
and we don’t exist completely outside of you. But there are some things that are between me
and Regulus... and I’m sorry, sex is most definitely one of those things. I can’t give you
whatever explanation you’re looking for. I can’t justify myself because I messed up, and also
because this is your brother and nothing I say will make it better in your eyes.”

Sirius looked furious, his arms crossed and eyes blazing. Emma was looking between them
with wide eyes, but James knew Sirius. James knew that he’d already gotten through to him,
even as mad as he was.

“You hurt him,” Sirius bit out. “He’s a right mess, and you knew it. That’s why you sent me
there today. You know Regulus thinks you’re moving on from him?”

That was the last thing James expected Sirius to say, and his mouth fell open in surprise.
“What? Why would he think that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you fight constantly? Because you’ve withdrawn from
him, because you slept with him and left?”

“I- what? No, no, no. Regulus starts most of those fights!”
“He wants a reaction from you!”

James blinked pieces suddenly falling into place. “Oh.”

Oh…

Because one of Regulus’s greatest fears was being left behind. Sirius left once, James left.
Regulus’s friends left, too. Dorcas did before she died, and then the rest of them eventually
followed her to the afterlife. Regulus had spent a large portion of his life alone. He’d often
leave or put his walls up just so he could be the one to pull back first. He was terrified of
being unwanted. And James had insisted they’d be friends, and then was terrified he wouldn’t
be able to stay true to that… so he’d withdrawn.

James hadn’t wanted to hurt Regulus. He’d known they were in no place for a relationship,
he’d known Regulus needed to heal, and he also knew how tempted they’d both be to jump
right into something if he didn’t distance himself. In doing so, it seemed he’d hurt Regulus
anyway. Now it seemed Regulus felt that James was leaving him, that he didn’t care
anymore. He’d been starting fights so James would pay attention, so he’d lose himself in
arguing and forget to keep distance between them.

“You better fucking fix this,” Sirius said shortly.

James didn’t have any reply to that, so he swallowed hard and turned back to the food he’d
been cooking, resisting the sudden and stupid urge to cry when he realized it’d begun to burn
while he’d been arguing with Sirius.

“Fuck,” James cursed through the knot in his throat, and he didn’t know what Sirius heard in
his voice, but a second later, he was at James’s shoulder, a hand on his arm.

“Are you okay?” The anger had bled out of Sirius’s form entirely, and James was struck as
always by how a whirlwind of a person could be so gentle and loving at a moment’s notice.
 How mature Sirius had become in his ability to put his grudges and anger aside when he felt
he needed to.

James didn’t reply for a moment, scraping roughly at the bottom of the pan. “You know
you’re the best?” he asked softly, not looking up.

Sirius sighed sadly, reaching out and lowering the flame before pulling James’s arm away
from where he was violently working at their now-burnt dinner. “Prongs…”

“I’m fine,” he said tightly.

“Okay,” Sirius said in a way that made it clear he didn’t believe James.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Sirius said quietly. “You should talk to Regulus.”

“I can’t right now,” James said quickly, and he couldn’t look up to see Sirius’s frown. “But I
will, okay? I swear.”

“Okay…” was all Sirius said once again, and James couldn’t even explain the guilt that crept
up the back of his neck. He didn’t know who it was for.

Chapter End Notes

Hello, happy Friday! (or anti-hero day, as my life has come to revolve around these
updates.)
I can't believe it's only been a week since I last posted, this has been the craziest week,
and want to take a little second to be serious here. I want to firstly thank everyone who
has always supported me and respected me as an author who puts this work out for you
guys for free. I'm thankful that the majority of readers I've interacted with have always
been respectful and grateful for my work and my time, so this isn't really targeted at
most of you but I wanted to put it out there anyway.

I think it's easy to forget that your fave authors are people with lives. We have families,
jobs, school, and in many cases all three. I personally work two jobs while going to
school full-time with a double major, I take the time out of my schedule every week to
put this stuff out for you because I enjoy it. I've almost never missed a week of posting
since I started this fic but I would hope if I had to that everyone would be understanding.
Despite how amazing 99.9% of my readers are I've definitely experienced some
negativity when this story has gone in a direction a few people didn't agree with or my
characters acted in a way they didn't think was accurate. Remember the golden rule, if
you don't like it don't read it! I am a young adult who has no actual writing credentials
and I've never claimed to be perfect. I also wrote a majority of this fic with no help or
proofreading, my beta started working with me around chapter 24 so everything before
then was just me shooting in the dark.

So ANYWAY, to end my little ramble: respect authors, treat them like people, and be
kind to one another. I think the environment in the marauders fandom can sometimes get
toxic (honestly ESPECIALLY on tiktok which I spend a lot of time on). We should all
be able to enjoy the things we love even if we have different ships, headcanons, opinions
etc.

I love you all <3333

Come chat with me :)

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter thirty-six
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Regulus was sitting on the floor of his new flat, knees to his chest, head down.

“Maybe I should stay, or you can stay with us again tonight? Or Cissa, I’m sure she wouldn’t
mind—”

Regulus lifted his head. “Sirius… would that not defeat the purpose of me getting a flat?”

“Well, yes… but maybe it’s too early for you to be alone.”

“I’m not alone,” Regulus said. “You’re a floo away, you know if anything is wrong I’ll come
to you.”

Sirius crossed his arms. “Will you?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“That’s not good enough—”

“Sirius, for fuck’s sake, I am not about to make an unbreakable vow. You’ll just have to trust
me. Do you think you can manage to do that?”

“I do trust you.”

“Good, then you don’t need to stay. I’ll be fine. I’ve lived on my own before, you know. I
have groceries and a bed, that’s all I need. I don’t need you to hover like an overbearing
mother.”

“Well, I can’t help it!”

Regulus pushed himself onto his feet, dusting off his trousers. “You can. Don’t be like this.”

“Fine,” Sirius bit out, his jaw clenched. “I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can get
you proper furniture?”

“No, you can come back tomorrow night if you feel so compelled, but the furniture will have
to wait until Monday. I have group tomorrow.”

Sirius let out an overly dramatic sigh. “I’ll bring Moony and we can have dinner then,” he
conceded.

“That’s fine. Now get out of my flat.”

“Damn, you’ve lived here not an hour and you’re already kicking me out?”

“Because you’re a menace, and I know for a fact you’re supposed to pick up Harry today.”

Sirius’s eyes widened and he looked down at his watch in alarm. “Oh shit, I have to go.”
“That’s what I’m saying!” Regulus said in exasperation.

Sirius only paused to kiss Regulus on the forehead before running out the door. Regulus
grumbled after him that he wasn’t a child and Sirius needed to stop treating him as such, to
which Sirius only flipped him off over the shoulder. Sirius would probably always baby
Regulus a little, and Regulus would probably always let him (though with loud complaints).

The rest of the night was strange.

Living with Narcissa and Draco, and then before that Théo and his group, it’d been a long
time since he’d truly been alone. Regulus found the quiet had become unfamiliar. His new
flat was practically empty, and it didn’t feel like a home yet. Not like James and Lily’s house,
and not even like his house in Italy, which was never quite home but still comfortable.

Still, Regulus had chosen the flat because it felt the least foreign and sterile out of all the ones
he’d seen. He figured he’d be able to make it feel like a home, and he vowed to do a little
shopping if he had time after group the next day.

His place was a comfortable distance between Narcissa and the center he attended outpatient
treatment at. When he and Sirius had been flat hunting they’d figured this wouldn’t be a
permanent living situation, and eventually, he’d want to be closer to the countryside where
everyone else lived. So, Regulus had only signed a twelve-month lease for the time being,
prioritizing being within commuting distance of his treatment center.

Regulus decided to live in a muggle area. He’d pretty much been entirely removed from the
wizarding world since he’d killed Voldemort, and honestly, he preferred it that way. He’d
become comfortable navigating muggle living in his time traveling around with Théo, to the
point where he still hadn’t broken the habit of forgetting to use magic. Regulus was far more
likely to do a task the muggle way than to reach for his wand, which sometimes felt strange
when he imagined what his parents might say if they saw him now. Though frankly, the
muggle living would probably be the least of their concerns when they found out about the
whole gay-addict-who-killed-the-Dark-Lord thing.
Unlike Sirius, Regulus didn’t take pride in spitting on his parents’ graves, but he did feel a
certain satisfaction knowing he’d strayed so far from who they’d wanted him to be. Though
the satisfaction was still often tinged by an uncomfortable shame he still could never quite
shake. Nothing about Regulus was pure, and sometimes he could see his mother’s sneer
burned into the back of his eyelids. Sometimes, he choked under all the ways he had failed.

The commute to London the next morning wasn’t nearly as bad as Regulus had expected.
Anxiety still followed him everywhere he went, a shadow at his shoulder causing him to
constantly look back. His shoulders stayed tense, waiting for a fight that had ended years
prior. Yet, not a single passenger looked his way aside from a university student who’d
attempted to talk to him on the tube. At first, Regulus had tensed, unsure as to why she was
approaching him, but after a panicked minute, he realized she was hitting on him.

“So, are you a student too?”

“Oh, no,” Regulus said stiffly. She just nodded, clearly not getting the memo.

“Ah, working then? What do you do?”

“Nothing right now, I just moved back from America.”

“Oh! A traveler then, how exciting! You know, my friends and I are going to see a band
perform at a local pub tonight. You should join us and get to know some people in the area.”

“Uh, I’m okay,” Regulus said quickly, standing up. “This is my stop.”

He ignored her as she called after him: “Wait, I didn’t even get your name!” And prayed to
whatever forces that had kept him alive this long that she didn’t usually commute the same
path as him and he’d never see her again.

She seemed perfectly nice, really. Regulus was just a bitch, and he couldn’t explain the gay
part, much less the fact that he was in love with his ex and severely traumatized from a war
she wouldn’t know existed.

Regulus made it through group easily enough; he was used to the environment by now. He
still didn’t choose to speak often, but he had meetings with his therapist every other week. As
long as he attended all of his required sessions every week, he was told that it was okay not to
share if he wasn’t feeling comfortable. Regulus never really felt comfortable, but sometimes
he talked about Théo. There wasn’t much else he could bring up in group.

Cissa had arranged that his therapist was someone who knew of the wizarding world. Dr.
Reynolds was a muggleborn man who was balding and serious, but kind. He’d briefly
explained to Regulus that his wife was a muggle, and since his family was as well, he’d
returned to the muggle world after Hogwarts and gotten a psychology degree. It was a good
balance, someone far enough removed from the war but close enough to know what had
happened. However, in group, Regulus couldn’t talk about the war, so he preferred to simply
listen. And on occasion, he’d discuss Théo because he never talked about him anywhere else.
None of Regulus’s family knew what had finally driven him over the edge. They didn’t know
he’d lost someone, and he didn’t know how to bring it up, nor was he sure he wanted to. So,
Regulus kept Théo close to his chest and ignored the way his ghost sometimes hovered at his
shoulder.

The sun was shining brightly when Regulus stepped out onto the streets of London after
group, and he decided not to rush back to his flat. He had plenty of time and nothing else
planned for the day aside from dinner with Remus and Sirius.

Regulus walked aimlessly, stopping randomly outside a dusty bookstore. He wasn’t sure what
compelled him to step inside, but he’d been looking for something new to read and the place
looked empty enough that Regulus didn’t feel too overwhelmed as he pushed open the door.
The bell jingled as he stepped inside, and a cat that was lounging in a patch of sun at the
check-out looked up curiously. Aside from that, he didn’t see anyone in the small store, so he
took a deep breath, heading towards the shelves of books.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there looking through titles, but a large chunk of time later
he had as many books as he could safely carry home. As he stepped to the counter, there was
now a man there, scratching at the cat’s chin as he leaned over a book, head in his hands. He
looked up as Regulus stepped closer.

“Oh, hello,” he smiled easily. “Find everything alright?”

“I did, thank you,” Regulus said automatically, manners drilled into him by years of training
despite his general dislike for strangers.

The man quickly began to ring up the books, pausing as he got to the last one. “Oh, this one’s
damaged. You’re sure you want it?” he asked, pulling at the spine which was peeling back
from the pages.

“Oh, that’s fine. I can repair it.”

“Really?” he said curiously. “You got experience with that?”

“Yes, I used to bind and repair antique books.”

“Where at?”

“Bookstore in New York.”

“America?” The man asked. “Bit far from home, no?”

“Sometimes you have to get a little far.”

“Hm,” the man smiled, his lined face warming. “You in school, kid?”

“No, sir.”

“So, you read for fun?”

“To pass the time.”

“You need a job by any chance?”

“A job…” Regulus repeated in surprise. That was not where he’d expected this conversation
to go.

“Yes, see, we sell second hand, can’t tell you how many boxes of books we get in here. I used
to have my grandchildren help me out, but they’re all grown and in uni now. I could use some
extra hands around here, and it wouldn’t hurt to have someone who knows how to fix a book
properly. Hate wasting a good copy because of a little damage.”

“You– you’re offering me a job?”

“Sure, if you want it.”

“You don’t even know me. I’m a stranger.”

“What’s your name?”

“Regulus…”

“Good, I’m Johnny. Nice to meet you, Regulus. See, we’re not strangers anymore. There’s
only one requirement if you want the job.”

“What’s that?” Regulus asked Johnny slowly.

“Do you like cats?”

Regulus loved cats, but he wasn’t about to say that, so he just nodded dumbly.

“Good, then the job is yours if you want it. What do you say?”

“I– okay,” Regulus said, surprising himself with the agreement. He was still taken aback by
the swiftness of the entire conversation, and he just blinked as Johnny smiled.

“Great, well welcome, Regulus. This is Brownie,” he pointed to the cat who rolled onto its
back. “I know she looks cute right now, but she’s a menace so you’ll have to keep an eye out
for her before she starts clawing up books. What’s your availability? Can you start Tuesday?”

“Only day I can’t work is on Sundays, I have an… uh- appointments on those days.” Hoping
the man wouldn’t notice him trip over the explanation.

Thankfully, Johnny breezed right over it. “Perfect. We open at eleven, be here by ten on
Tuesday and I’ll get you all trained and ready to work. You got a telephone number I can
reach you at?”

“Uh, no. I just moved back to London.”

“No worries, just come by Tuesday then. Better get yourself a telephone though, these days
it’s near impossible to go without them. Everyone’s got one in their homes.”

“Okay, I will.”

“Good! See you Tuesday, Regulus. Enjoy your books.”

Regulus left the shop, feeling whiplashed, the bell jingling its farewell behind him. The day
was warm as he carried his bag of books home, making it through the tube this time without
being hit on by university girls.

He regretted giving Sirius a key when he stepped inside his flat only to find that Sirius had
invited himself in. He decided to take back that regret when he caught a whiff of something
cooking and realized suddenly that he was starving.

“I hope you’re not cooking, Sirius!” Regulus called into the flat.

“For your information, I’ve improved greatly,” Sirius scoffed.

“He’s not cooking, I am,” Remus yelled from the kitchen, and Regulus sighed in relief. Sirius
could burn a pot of water with magic… cooking in a muggle kitchen sounded like cause for
instant death.

“How was your group?” Sirius asked as Regulus stepped into the kitchen.

Sirius was sitting on the counter while Remus cooked and Regulus really hoped they hadn’t
been making out before he got there, but by the state of Sirius’s hair, he wasn’t too hopeful on
that front.

“It was fine. No inappropriate shit in my kitchen, by the way.” Regulus scowled. “Or I’ll
revoke your key.”

“Then I’ll just use my wand.” Sirius crossed his arms.

“Do you really think a simple unlocking spell is going to let you into my flat?” Regulus
raised an eyebrow. “This place is warded better than Azkaban, and I will write you out of my
wards if you test me.”
“You wouldn’t do that, you love me!”

“Not if you make out with your boyfriend in my kitchen.”

“My boyfriend…” Sirius repeated. “Shut up, that’s Remus, you love Remus.”

“I do love Remus. It was you that’s debatable. You can’t snog if only one of you is allowed in
here, and that one will be Remus.”

“Thanks, Reg,” Remus hummed while Sirius gasped, jumping down from the counter.

“You’d choose Remus over me? I’m your brother Regulus! I raised you! How dare you
betray me like this?”

Regulus decided to ignore him, instead turning to Remus who turned down the stove and then
stepped back, wiping his hands on a dish towel.

“Anything exciting today?” Remus asked. “How's the new flat so far?”

“Fine, it’s just a flat.” Regulus shrugged. “I barely have any furniture yet though, which is an
annoyance.”

“Oh!” Sirius cut in, because when did he not? “Lily wants to come furniture shopping
tomorrow. She’s working a later shift, so she’ll be free in the morning.”

“That’s fine, she has better taste than you, after all.” Before Sirius could get dramatically
offended, Regulus continued on. “Also I got a job.”

That was enough to stop Sirius’s incoming rant. “Wait, what? When? Where?”
“That’s great, Reg,” Remus smiled, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder as he passed, in
search of the next ingredient for whatever he was cooking.

“Thanks,” Regulus muttered. “It was an accident. I went into a bookstore today and the guy
there just… offered me a job. Surprised me, honestly.”

“A bookstore? Well, that sounds right up your alley,” Remus nodded.

“Yeah, the alley of an uptight, poncey, prick,” Sirius muttered, to which Remus slapped him
with the towel he was holding.

“Pads, shut up or I’ll let Regulus kick you out.”

“Yes, Sirius, shut the fuck up,” Regulus added, causing Sirius’s scowl to deepen.

“I’m not sure who thought it was a good idea to allow you two to become friends, but I hate
it,” Sirius said, which they both ignored because he said the same thing at least once every
time they were together.

“Have you ever considered that you’re the problem?” Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“No!” Sirius crossed his arms, and Regulus couldn’t help but smile as Remus let out a loud
laugh at that. “I’ve never been a problem a day in my life. Hey! Stop laughing, both of you
right now!”

Remus laughed even harder, which caused Regulus’s smile to break into laughter of its own.
And despite his glare, Regulus caught the hint of a smile on Sirius’s face as Regulus and
Remus doubled over. Sirius schooled his expression and attempted to look angry, but they all
knew in moments like this, they were all just happy to be alive and together.
--

Monday brought furniture shopping along with Lily, Sirius, as well as Andromeda who
wound up tagging along last minute. Regulus still wasn’t entirely comfortable with her, but
she’d brought him a housewarming gift, and she and Sirius had been chatting so Regulus
thought it only proper to invite her along. It didn’t hurt that Sirius, who had always adored
Andromeda, beamed when Regulus suggested it and she had quickly agreed.

The commute down to muggle London was largely spent with Lily schooling Sirius on things
he was not allowed to do in the muggle world while he argued that he knew how to conduct
himself perfectly well (he did not) and that he was plenty mature enough (he wasn’t).

There was nothing wrong with Andromeda. In fact, Regulus thought she seemed like an
interesting person and if he knew her better, he’d like her. The problem was he didn’t know
her. She’d run away and been burnt off the tapestry while Regulus was still quite young and
constantly shielded by Sirius. The last year or so that Andromeda had been around had been
full of fighting and conflict, which Sirius always did his best to keep Regulus as far as
possible from. That meant, as much as Sirius loved Andromeda and looked up to her growing
up, Regulus never really got the chance to know her. Not like he did Narcissa and to an
extent, even Bella.

So, Regulus was a little leery as Andromeda fell into step beside him while Sirius and Lily
had a heated conversation in front.

“Do you have a particular style you’re looking for?”

“Huh?”

“Of furniture,” she clarified. “You strike me as the type to have a specific taste, much like
Cissa.”

“Oh,” Regulus said, feeling slightly stupid. “I mean, I suppose. It’s not like I need the best or
most high-end furniture, but I guess I’m particular… I want to be able to live in it. Have
pieces that are comfortable but I won’t get sick of and can bring along with me wherever I go
next.” He was pretty sure that was the most he’d ever said to Andromeda, and he wondered if
she was thinking the same thing as she smiled.

“Hm, smart. When I got my first place, I got the gaudiest trendy things and when I tell you
they were dated within a year.” She shook her head. “Ted warned me, but I was just delighted
to be able to express myself.” She said it casually, in the same way Sirius often did. The
casual off-hand comment of someone who had managed to remove themselves so far from
the twisted darkness of the Blacks. Just a whisper of a life that didn’t exist anymore, a family
that had lost its grip. Regulus didn’t feel like that, he didn’t feel removed. He still felt his
mother’s hand on the back of his neck, he still felt the shame.

“It took me a year to let myself live in my house,” Regulus said after a long moment. “In
Italy… I kept it perfectly neat, spotless, and cold. I guess I didn’t realize at first that a house
was allowed to be messy or lived in.”

“I never stopped making my bed,” Andromeda told him, one admission for another. “I tried
because I told myself I didn’t need to anymore. That if I wanted to never make it again, I
didn’t have to. I mean, what’s the point? You’re just going to get back in it and make a mess
at the end of the day… I’m a firm believer in the fact that it’s pointless, but I’ve still never
managed to stop making it every morning. Maybe I never will.”

“Does that bother you?”

There was such a strange softness in Andromeda’s eyes when she looked to Regulus, her face
so similar to Bellatrix yet lacking every bit of harshness. “Sometimes. There are days when I
hate it. I hate the parts of me I can’t get back, that were changed by my childhood… Yet,
those things make up who I am, and I have people who love every bit of me, even the bad.”
In front of them, Sirius pulled on Lily’s plait and she swatted at him to which he quickly
ducked away laughing. Andromeda chuckled, shooting Regulus a look. “I’d say you have
those people too.”

Regulus nodded, but he didn’t think that was true.

The only person who had never hated him for the bad parts of him was James, and even then,
he’d hated Regulus for other things. Maybe it had never been for taking the mark, maybe it
hadn’t been for the sickness contained within him, but it had still come eventually just as
Regulus always knew it would.

He didn’t contradict Andromeda though; he tried to pretend he believed it.

Their shopping trip turned out to be a success, and by the end, Regulus at least had some
chairs, a little bedside table, as well as a sofa that was due to be delivered eventually.

“You should hang up some pictures,” Lily mused as she looked around his now slightly less
empty flat. “Do you have any?”

Regulus did. Somewhere hidden along with the worst of his shame, was the photograph he’d
died with. The picture of him and James he’d tucked into his pocket before the end of the war
had come, and Regulus hadn’t breathed since.

“No,” Regulus lied.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked as he was leaving that night.

Regulus was a liar. A dirty awful liar. So he lied… again. “I’m fine.”

On Tuesday, Regulus started his new job. The bookstore was generally quiet and always
warm. He found he liked the stillness, the way time seemed to move slower inside. Even the
dust danced across the sunlight leisurely, and Brownie the cat lounged without a care in the
world. Life pushed forward. Things settled, but Regulus didn’t.

Sirius would catch him, eyes glazed over, and he’d frown. “Are you okay?”

And every time, Regulus would lie. “I’m fine.”

The thing no one tells you about surviving is that it isn’t something you do once.

No, Regulus didn’t get to simply live through the cave, the forest, the war. He’d lived through
it, and every day he had to keep fucking living through it.

Sirius had said to give it time, yet it’d been almost seven months since Regulus had returned
to Britain and nothing felt easier. He was still hurting. Every breath was still a chore. The
only difference was that now it was a chore while he was dead sober in his new flat with a
new job. Life got better, Regulus didn’t.

Yet, every time, he lied.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

A month passed, then another.

James didn’t look at him; no one brought up the fact that they had very suddenly stopped
fighting. Now, they didn’t even talk. James never lingered in a room with Regulus and went
out of his way to avoid making eye contact. Regulus knew everyone noticed, in fact, he was
sure they all knew by now that he and James had slept together because that wasn’t
something Sirius would have kept his mouth shut about. But no one said a word, and neither
did Regulus.

A part of him wanted to grab James by the shoulders and scream.

You promised, you promised!

Regulus was a lot of things, but he was not a hypocrite. So, he didn’t, because he had made
promises too. Yet, here they were.
They had survived everything, fallen back together against every odd… The only thing left
between James and Regulus now was themselves. A singular hurdle at the end of the race,
but they’d been running for so long and it seemed neither had the energy to make it over the
last obstacle.

So, they didn’t talk, James didn’t look at him, and Regulus didn’t sleep. He turned corners to
whispered voices and watched Sirius’s gaze track him around the room.

“I’m fine!” Regulus would snap when it got too much, but no one ever seemed to believe
him.

Number Twelve Grimmauld Place

1985

At some point, Sirius had stopped vowing to never set foot in Grimmauld Place again.
Somehow, it seemed he always ended up back here. Maybe that symbolized something, or
maybe life was a sadistic asshole. Either way, Sirius didn’t care to think about it.

He remembered a time when this house had stood tall. Dark and cold, every surface spotless,
every piece of furniture arranged perfectly. Never to be sat in or enjoyed, only seen.
Grimmauld Place had always felt like a museum, a display of the Black history and wealth. It
wasn’t a home; it wasn’t a place to grow up. Merlin, how Sirius had hated this house. He’d
dreamed of wrecking it, of pushing the sculptures from their places, ripping a knife through
the portraits, knocking the furniture on its side. He’d fantasized about shattering the windows
and crawling through into the outside world, knees stained with blood and lungs full of
freedom.

Now, Grimmauld felt haunted.

The chill of Black family power had bled from the floorboards. Every surface was covered by
a thick layer of dust, sun peeked into the house through the small cracks where Sirius had
pulled open the drapes and unboarded windows years earlier. There was nothing warm about
it, no traces of a home, but Sirius couldn’t feel his mother’s fingers around his throat either.
The house reminded him more of Regulus now.

Sirius remembered coming here the second time, reading Regulus’s diaries and trying to
reconcile the fractured images of his brother with the boy he thought he’d known.

Now, Sirius climbed the stairs slowly, each creak of the floorboards swallowed by the silence
of the house. He stopped outside the door of his own room, but he didn’t open it. Sirius didn’t
want to see the traces of the person he’d left there. The teenager, desperate to live and
reckless with rebellion. Instead, he turned towards Regulus’s room. He stopped in the middle,
looking around. It was exactly as they’d left it before the battle at Hogwarts. A preserved
piece of the war, the same parchment scattered on Regulus’s bed.

Sirius remembered the picture of Regulus and James and wondered where it was now. Did
Regulus still have it? He’d tucked it into his pocket and Sirius had never seen it again, but
Regulus must have held onto that photograph. He was sentimental like that, holding onto
material things, letters, diaries, pictures… they meant something to him.

Feeling like he was intruding, Sirius briefly pushed through the parchment on Regulus’s bed.
He stopped suddenly as Regulus’s careful handwriting jumped out at him.

He’d written a letter, Regulus had said so at Hogwarts. A letter for Sirius full of things
eighteen year old Regulus had wished to say before he walked into that cave. Sirius looked at
his own name on the folded parchment, the swoop of Regulus’s capital ‘S’ and the yellow of
the cracked page. He picked it up and held it to the light, thinking of Regulus months earlier,
resting his head on Sirius’s shoulder as he whispered his confessions, that he’d taken the
mark for Sirius, that he’d loved him enough to give up everything to save him.

Sirius put the letter down. He stepped back.

The sun was shining, dust dancing through the air. Sirius checked the corner but there were
no ghosts hidden in the shadows. His mother’s voice was absent in his ear. Instead, he saw
Regulus’s smile, the rare one where his eyes sparkled and just for a moment he’d light up.
“That’s when I really see the resemblance,” Remus had noted the other night. “He smiles like
you.”

“Well, no one else smiled in our house growing up,” Sirius had shrugged. “He had to learn it
from me.”

The look Remus had given him at that was soft and aching, and when he’d spoken again, it’d
been in a whisper. “I know you believe you failed him, that you should have done more… but
you gave Regulus a little piece of goodness. I see the best parts of both of you in each other.”

“We aren’t alike, we’re opposites in every way,” Sirius had countered with a frown.

“Not as many as you think. You’d both do anything for each other, for the people you love.
You’re both full of so much loyalty and power and love. You choose people and hang onto
them for life. Sure, in personality you’re polar opposites, but inside, you share a lot. Plus, you
have the exact same taste in the people you want in your life.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Really, Pads?” Remus had raised an eyebrow. “You do realize you both chose the same
people but somehow separately? James became your best friend instantly when you met him,
later he and Regulus fell together. You fell in love with me, later I met Regulus apart from
you and he became one of my most important friends. Do I need to go on with Lily or…”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Sirius scoffed. “But I had all of you first, and you love me more.”

“I love you both very much and in incredibly different ways,” was Remus’s response and
Sirius had pretended to be upset, but he wasn’t.

Once, he might have thought Regulus was taking Sirius’s friends and his partner. At first, he
had been furious about James, possessive and angry. James was his, not Regulus’s. Now,
Sirius thought that James belonged to Sirius in every way he didn’t to Regulus and vice
versa. The two didn’t cancel each other out. James was still full of just as much love and
adoration for Sirius as he always had been. Sirius had been terrified that might change, but it
never had. Now he didn’t know what to do.

Both James and Regulus were clearly hurting, and James had been clear that it was between
them. It wasn’t Sirius’s problem, but at the same time, it was. They were two of the people he
loved most and neither would look at the other. Having dinner or simply hanging out as a
group now became a game of which of them could avoid the other best. It was affecting
everyone now, but nobody knew how to bring up the topic.

“Maybe we should lock James and Reg in a room together,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s
neck when he returned home that night.

“As great as it would be to try and solve this, I don’t think that will work,” Remus admitted.
“I think they need to choose to talk to one another.”

“That’s stupid, they’re stupid.”

“Pads…” Remus rolled over in his arms so they were face to face, his lecture face on.

“No, Moony, I know. They’re complicated blah, blah, blah, they’re both struggling mentally.
Not the mention the whole fucking war that pretty much ruined us all… I know it’s not as
simple as them being stupid. But it’s still stupid.”

“Yes… I’m not saying I approve of the way either of them is handling it, but you have to
keep in mind everything that’s happened. We can’t force them to figure their shit out.”

“I know, I do. It’s just frustrating… I don’t understand. I’ve never really understood them I
guess, and sometimes I hate that.”

“Do you think other people understand us?” Remus asked. “I mean, do you remember Mary’s
reaction when she found out we were together? I remember I was convinced she was being
hateful, but really she just thought we were entirely incompatible.”

“She thought you were too good for me,” Sirius remembered.

“Exactly, she’d only seen us arguing for years and she didn’t get it. Eventually, with enough
time, she realized that we’re actually perfect for each other, that there are things that are just
between us and for no one else to understand. I get it, James and Regulus… It seems entirely
unlikely from the outside, doesn’t it? When I first found out, I was shocked. Not just that
James had been keeping a secret or that it was a man, but that it was Regulus Black. I
couldn’t think of two people worse together. I was wrong though. I think if they ever manage
to get past everything between them, they could be very happy. You see it in the small
things.”

“I don’t see it at all now,” Sirius muttered.

“No…” Remus sighed. “But once again, that’s not on you, Sirius. All we can do is be here for
both of them and hope they manage to keep it together.”

“Something tells me ‘keeping it together’ is not going to happen…”

--

“I know what you’re going to say,” James said as soon as he sat down. “No, I haven’t talked
to Regulus, yes I’m a shitty, awful person.”

“You’re not a shitty, awful person,” Healer Potts said calmly. “But last week you were here,
you left determined to talk to him. Did something happen to change your mind?”

“No, yes… I– I mean nothing happened. I just thought I’d do it and then I imagined doing it
and I could see exactly how it would go and I can’t stomach it. I don’t want to hurt him
again.”
“Can I be straight with you, James?”

“Of course,” James said instantly, because he trusted her. She always knew exactly what to
say.

“Do you think that maybe this could be hurting him, too?”

James paused. They’d all had dinner together last night, and he’d seen the way Regulus
seemed shrunk in on himself. He looked better now, his cheeks had more color and his wrists
no longer looked like a brisk wind could snap them, but still… there was something missing.
Something off in the darkness of Regulus’s eyes, in the way he held himself, in the way
Sirius’s eyes lingered. The fear there was palpable. James didn’t know what Sirius had seen
or what Regulus had told him, but it was enough to keep him constantly worried, always
asking Regulus if he was okay. James couldn’t make that worse. He couldn’t be to blame for
pushing Regulus over the edge again. Sirius would never forgive him. James would never
forgive himself. He’d already fucked up massively by sleeping with Regulus.

“I think I am, but I think I’ll hurt him either way and this does the least damage.”

“How do you know that, James? Are you guessing this?”

“I– I mean, I just know—”

“You’re assuming. You don’t know for certain,” Healer Potts said firmly.

James didn’t know how to respond to this, and he just swallowed tightly, his fingers pulling
at the thread on the couch. It was much longer than it’d been when he first started going here,
and he wondered if he was the only one who did this. Maybe there was another patient who
came in here and pulled at the same thread, maybe they’d been working together to slowly
dismantle Healer Potts’s couch.
“I…” James began, clearing his throat. “I’m afraid.”

Healer Potts didn’t speak, simply nodding, her eyes warm behind her glasses as she let him
gather up the words to explain.

“I feel like I’m constantly on the edge of losing control,” he whispered after a small stretch of
silence. “Like me being myself, not falling into another episode or losing my mind, it all
depends on so many factors. I have to do all these things just to exist! It’s not fair that if I
stop coming to therapy or stop taking my potions I wouldn’t be a normal functioning person.
Everyone else gets to just live, and I have to put in so much fucking effort to do it.”

“When we first started our sessions, you felt a lot of shame around your diagnosis and need
for help,” Healer Potts noted. “You’ve come a long way from there, but I understand your
frustration. It’s unfortunately always going to require effort from you to stay in your best
mental state. But tell me, do you think it’s easier than it was the first day you walked in
here?”

James thought back to his first session and how hopeless he’d felt at that time. Like he was
always on the edge of falling apart. He’d spend months at a time feeling like he wasn’t even
alive, foreign in his own body. As soon as he’d begin to feel normal again, even good, he’d
spin out of control, then go back to normal only to do it all again eventually. He was never
sure who he’d wake up as or even what it meant. As frustrating as he felt at being treated for
the rest of his life, he was glad he wasn’t who he’d been when he first started. He couldn’t
have imagined ever settling into himself, but now most days he felt like he had the tools
needed to stay in control.

“I do,” James admitted softly.

“Hm, then let’s think about Regulus. You’re afraid because you fear losing control, right?
You’d rather choose to hurt him this way instead, rather than in a way that’s out of your
control.”

“You’re psychoanalyzing me,” James muttered, and Healer Potts just chuckled.
“That’s my job, isn’t it?”

“S’pose,” James shrugged, biting the inside of his cheek. “I– I don’t know. It’s just… I can
see myself doing it, talking to him. I can imagine what he might say… and even when I
imagine something good, it’s still just absolutely paralyzing. Sirius told me Regulus thinks
I’m moving on and I’m not, I couldn’t. Even when I thought he was dead, I couldn’t. And I
don’t need it, any of the things we talked about. I don’t need the house or the kids and the
pets, I don’t even need to have him. I still wouldn’t be able to choose anyone else. I’m just
scared because I don’t need it, but I want it, and I hate myself for wanting it when I feel like
it’s only hurting him.”

--

James dreamed half of a memory that night.

Lying on the floor of Hogwarts, the stones warmed by the sun, the first time Regulus ever
kissed James first. James laid his arm out, fingers brushing the floor, Regulus tucked into his
chest, their hearts beating in tandem.

He pressed the pads of his fingers to the ground and flinched as he felt it suddenly cool under
his fingertips. James gasped, jerking up, and suddenly Regulus was kneeling in front of him
and James didn’t know when he’d moved.

“Regulus.”

They were on their knees in the prefect bathroom, tucked into the far corner while Regulus
retched, leaning over the toilet. It took James a moment to catch up with the moment, but he
acted without thinking, hand pressed to Regulus’s back in an attempt at giving some comfort.

“It’s okay, get it all out,” James whispered and Regulus just let out a pained sob.
They hadn’t spoken in two weeks over a fight Regulus had with Sirius which James had
stepped in and broken up. Regulus had wound up with detention (something that rarely
happened to him and he went to great lengths to avoid), and of course, he’d blamed James.
They’d had a screaming match over it, which turned to Regulus saying James would always
choose Sirius over him which inevitably led to where it always seemed to these days: James
screaming that Regulus would never let James choose him. Of course, as always, the fight
hadn’t stopped James from immediately slipping out of his dormitory as soon as he’d spotted
Regulus on the Marauder’s Map wandering the halls in the middle of the night. James had
grabbed him and pulled a very far-from-sober Regulus into the bathroom where he’d
proceeded to throw up his guts.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Regulus gasped, “I’m disgusting, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not disgusting,” James murmured firmly as Regulus rocked back away from the
toilet. His pale face had a greyish tint and the purple under his eyes was stark. James stood,
quickly grabbing a flannel and wetting it before reaching out to cup Regulus’s face and
gently wipe it clean. James brushed the back of his hand over the tear tracks on his cheek.
“You’re not disgusting, you’re hurting.”

Regulus just sobbed harder, and the sound ached, pulling at the softest parts of his heart that
seemed to be made up of nothing but Regulus.

“I’m scaring you,” Regulus whispered a long while later, once the shaking of his fingers had
lessened and he’d seemed to come back to himself. “This keeps happening and you keep
cleaning up after me.”

“It’s okay. Fear just makes you human,” James whispered. “Fearing for someone just means
you love them.”

Regulus shook his head at that, his jaw tight. “Don’t,” he whispered, because James hadn’t
said it yet and Regulus probably hoped he never would.

So, James didn’t. He didn’t say I love you, not then. But he felt it, burning deep in his chest
and he knew from that night that he was well and truly fucked. He couldn’t imagine ever
feeling this way for anyone aside from Regulus Black. He couldn’t imagine ever moving past
this.
He’d just known, felt it all the way down to his bones.

Some might have laughed at that. Said James was too young, too stupid and naïve, but he’d
known.

He’d been right.

A part of James never moved from that moment, never stood up off the bathroom floor. He
wondered sometimes if maybe Regulus had never moved either.

--

The last thread, which had been hanging on for dear life the past few months, finally snapped
because of a sofa. A fucking sofa. One Regulus liked very much actually, but not that much.

See, Regulus had ordered a new sofa, and Remus and Sirius were supposed to help him bring
it up to his flat. They couldn’t use magic since it was a muggle area, which meant they
needed multiple hands. This would have been fine, if not for the fact that Remus was still
weak from the full moon a few days prior and the three of them couldn’t get it up the stairs
alone.

“I could call James?” Sirius suggested, and Regulus was about to say no until he looked to
Remus, who was queasy and pale. Regulus knew the man well enough to know he’d refuse to
sit out just because he wasn’t feeling well. At least if they had someone else, they could take
some of the strain off Remus.

“Fine,” Regulus said stiltedly, and Sirius looked instantly relieved, squeezing Remus’s
shoulder gently as he went to call his best mate.
James arrived quickly and within fifteen minutes they’d gotten the sofa safely into Regulus’s
living room, and Sirius had collapsed on it, breathing heavily. Remus shoved him over and
sat down next to him, patting the couch as he shook his head. “It’s like they made this thing
out of fucking lead,” he muttered.

“Reggie,” Sirius panted dramatically. “Water, please!”

Regulus scoffed. “I’m not your house elf,” he insisted but went to the kitchen to grab a few
glasses anyway. As he was pouring the first one, he heard footsteps and turned to see James
standing in the doorway. As soon their eyes met, James looked like it was taking everything
in him not to bolt.

“Uh, nice place,” he said hesitantly.

Regulus just stared at him unblinkingly for a long moment before turning and going back to
his task.

Of course, James Potter never knew a dismissal even if it hit him square in the face. “Look
—” James began, and Regulus cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear it,” he said stiffly without turning around. James was quiet and Regulus
didn’t dare look.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, and I haven’t. I’m sorry.”

“Well,” Regulus snapped, turning around with an accusing glare. “Why not?”

James didn’t rise to the bait. “I was afraid.”

“Oh, and what changed?” Regulus scoffed.

“Not much, I just remembered what my mum always said.”

That twisted a sharp knot in Regulus’s gut. “Right, fear makes you human,” he said sharply
rather than face the deep sadness the phrase incited.

“Yes,” James said simply. “I was terrified. I made a mistake.”

“By sleeping with me.”

“Well, yes—”

“Great, I’m glad to hear it. Glad I’m a mistake—”

“Will you let me talk?” James interrupted, his voice tight. There it was, the reaction Regulus
had been trying to get. The way a fire ignited behind his eyes, something intense simmering
under every bit of warmth and sunshine he usually emanated. Suddenly the wall between
them was gone, barreled down by James’s anger.

“Oh please, no go ahead,” Regulus waved a hand. “Tell me how I’m a mistake.”

“You’re putting words in my mouth. I shouldn’t have slept with you because you’re not in a
good place, we’re not in a good place. It was wrong and it hurt you, and that was a mistake!”

“You’re not treating me like you made a mistake,” Regulus told James. “You’re treating me
like I was the mistake.” His voice came out far quieter than he intended, too vulnerable, too
hurt.

James blinked. Once, twice, his face twisted. “Regulus—”

“No, no, I already told you I don’t want to do this.”

“Look, I know the timing isn’t great but we do need to talk—”

“Then you should have thought about that weeks ago, huh?” Regulus grabbed the water
glasses and began to turn away when James’s hand on his arm stopped him. “Let go of me,”
Regulus growled, turning to face the other man.

James did immediately but he didn’t move from Regulus’s path. “So what? You go now and
that’s it? We never talk? Just live like this forever?”

“Guess so,” Regulus muttered, clenching his jaw. He tried to step around James but he
followed, blocking him once more.

“Look, I messed up,” James said tensely, and it was clear he was fighting to contain his
temper. “But it’s not like you came to talk to me either.”

“You left!”

“You wanted me to leave! You were a mess!”

“Wow, thanks James, I appreciate that. You know what? Fuck you. I told you I don’t want to
talk so get out of my way.”

“No,” James said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

“Really?” Regulus spat. “You want to do this? Fine, go ahead, James. Talk.”
“You’re acting like this is entirely my fault,” James growled. “It’s not. You’re the one who
started picking fights every chance you got!”

“Because you were ignoring me! Oh yes, ‘Regulus, let’s be friends except I’m never going to
fucking talk to you anymore!’ What a great plan, James, brilliant of you!”

“I wasn’t ignoring—”

“Oh, don’t you dare lie to me, James Potter,” Regulus spat. “You were ignoring me. The only
way to get your attention was to start fights—"

“Because I couldn’t stomach looking at you!”

That was enough to shut Regulus up. A heavy silence filled the kitchen. James finally
stepped back, but it didn’t feel like a win.

“I couldn’t look at you,” James repeated quieter. “Not after everything.”

“So, you hate me again.”

“No.”

“But you’re angry!”

“No! It’s not anger. You broke my fucking heart, Regulus! You left! You made all these
promises and you said we could have a future and then you marched off to your death
without even saying goodbye, without trying to find another solution! I thought you were
dead, again! Then, when you weren’t, you still left. You completely disappeared. Do you
have any idea what that was like? You’ve acted for years as if you were the one trying to be
enough for me, but that’s never been the case! It’s always been me chasing after you, me
begging you to stay, to want me more than you wanted to get high or kill yourself. You never
have! Never. So yes, I slept with you, and it was a mistake because I am weak,” James spat
out, rage burning behind his brown eyes. “I’ve wanted you so, so badly, and for a moment
you let me have you and I couldn’t stop it. I left because you cried after, because I was
selfishly hurting you. I didn’t talk to you sooner because I don’t know how to look at you
anymore when I know with absolute certainty that you have never loved me as much as I
love you. I didn’t say anything because a twisted, vindictive part of me was glad that you
believed I’m capable of moving on from you! Because for a little while I could pretend you
don’t have the power to fucking ruin me, Regulus Black!”

James finished, breathing heavily. Regulus didn’t speak, only stared in shock trying to
process the words. James crossed his arms over his chest like he could protect his heart where
it beat under his ribs.

“You broke my heart…” James said again when Regulus didn’t respond. This time the heat
was gone, his voice was raw, cracking on the last word. “Time and time again, and I let you.
I’d let you do it again, but I don’t know how I’ll live through it this time. I haven’t talked to
you sooner because I only have one more chance left to give you and I’m terrified you’ll
waste it. There’s never been anyone else for me. You’re it.”

“That’s not true,” Regulus whispered hoarsely.

James just surveyed Regulus for a moment, shoulders heavy. “Which part?” he said finally,
his face blank.

“That you love me more than I love you,” Regulus said.

“Look, maybe we should just leave this—” James began in a way that made it clear he didn’t
believe that, and Regulus… Regulus was shocked. Numb with horror at the idea that this
entire time James had thought Regulus’s love didn’t match his own.

“No!” Regulus said fiercely, cutting James off. “Just because my love doesn’t look like yours
doesn’t mean it isn’t the same. Just because it’s not easy for me to express it doesn’t mean it
never existed! Everything I’ve done, I did because I love you! And I’m not saying it was
good or even the right thing, but I did it all out of love! I left you to spare you, I was ready to
die at eighteen to make the world a better place, for you! I walked into the forest with
Voldemort because I couldn’t even take the risk that something would happen to you! Every
time I pulled away it was because I wanted to protect you, James!”

“I never asked you to do that!”

“Of course, you didn’t! I did it because I love you! Because I love you more than almost
anyone else in this fucking world, I love you enough to let you go time and time again even
when I know I’m breaking your heart, even when I know you’ll hate me for it. There’s
nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So, you can say I’m an asshole, you can point out every
terrible thing I’ve done and every way I’ve hurt you and you’re right, but don’t think I would
have done any of that if I didn’t love you just as much if not more than you love me.”

There was another bout of silence after that, and Regulus opened his mouth, wanting to say
something more, but he didn’t know how to breach the suffocating, unyielding quiet.
Thankfully, after a moment of hesitation, James seemed to find his voice.

“I visited your grave every year,” he whispered.

Regulus blinked, not expecting the sudden shift of tone or topic. “I know.”

James just nodded; he didn’t ask how Regulus knew. “When I broke past my initial anger, I
thought it’d be okay. You were there, you were alive and that was a miracle. It’s still a
miracle, and every time I look at you, you’re just so perfect. You’re so beautiful and all I can
think is that you left me. I don’t want to think that. I love you so much, so I try not to look
because when I do, I want to crawl into your chest and live next to your heart forever. And
even then I don’t think that would be close enough. But I don’t know what to do with that
anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…” James repeated helplessly.

In the moment that followed, Regulus became suddenly aware of the glasses of water he was
still holding and the fact that they’d been screaming at each other while Remus and Sirius
were only a room away, no doubt privy to every word.

“So what,” Regulus said flatly, gripping the glasses tightly. He put them down sharply on the
counter before sliding to the ground, tucking his knees to his chest. “Then that’s that? It’s
done?”

James stepped forward looking down at him. “How the fuck is that what you got out of all of
this?” he asked, waving a hand in frustration.

“Clearly you’re done, that’s what you said—”

“That’s not what I said!”

“You said no more chances—”

“I said I only had one left. Do you want to run away, Regulus? Or do you want to take it?”

“Are you offering?”

“Yes! Yes… Regulus, I’m offering. I want you to take it, I want you to stay, I want you to
want me.”

“What… like a relationship?” Regulus scoffed. “Evidently we are not in a place for that to
work—"

“Not now, but someday,” James insisted. “Wasn’t that the plan?”

“I– I don’t know how we’re supposed to do that.” Regulus didn’t mean to sound so uncertain,
but his voice shook when he spoke, and for the first time during their conversation, James
softened. His forehead creased, mouth turned down, and the fire in his eyes dimmed to
something full of sad tenderness.
“We try,” James said softly. “That’s all we can do. And maybe it won’t work, but I want you,
Regulus. I love you. So, let’s try, okay?” He stepped closer, looking down at Regulus and
slowly held out a hand.

Regulus hesitated. Maybe he’d always hesitate. Suddenly, adult James was gone and they
were teenagers again, James’s hair whipping wildly in the wind as he looked down at
Regulus, his eyes wide and brimming with an easy warmth Regulus didn’t understand.

“Alright, Black?”

“I don’t need your help,”

For some reason, he’d taken James’s hand anyway. Even when he had every reason not to.
Even though James was a blood traitor, one of the very people whom he’d been ordered to
stay away from. Sirius’s best friend, the one who’d stolen Regulus’s brother away. Regulus
despised him, and he despised being seen as weak just as much. Yet, James had been
glowing, smiling as if it were nothing, and before he understood what was happening, their
hands touched. And in that tiny moment, their lives changed forever. A tiny spark in the
darkness of the empty pitch, turned to a blaze, swallowing them whole.

Regulus blinked. James wasn’t a child; his hair was a little shorter, his jaw filled out more.
He had a faint scar on his cheek from where Bellatrix had cut him the day Regulus first
revealed himself. His hands shook sometimes from the Cruciatus curses he’d taken at Malfoy
Manor. His gaze got lost over a shoulder, his fingers tightening when he was afraid he might
lose control. James cooked his parents’ recipes every day, even though he’d never quite
figured out how to talk about them. James had given Sirius a home, something he was never
supposed to have, given Regulus love when so few people did. James Potter was a special
person. He wasn’t perfect, not like Regulus might have believed at fourteen. He was deeply
flawed. He tended to go all in on everything he did. He was unable to let things go, refusing
to ask for help and forcing himself to be perfect all the time. He’d fly off the handle in an
instant if the right person was saying the right things (namely Regulus, because he never
blew up at anyone else in the same way), and he could be mean if he wanted to. James was
also kind, probably the most caring person on the planet aside from Lily. He trusted people
instinctively, he was willing to give the benefit of the doubt, quicker to smile than anything
else. He was intensely loyal to the people he loved, he’d never doubted Remus or Regulus for
even a moment when they’d showed up at his house. Despite his reservations, James had
given them a home. James Potter was a burning, blinding spot of light in the world.
 So, Regulus hesitated, because they’d been through far too much for him not to, but James
didn’t drop his hand. He simply stayed there, fingers trembling slightly, eyes just as wide as
they’d been at fifteen.

Regulus sucked in a breath.

He reached out.

Chapter End Notes

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 Chapter thirty-seven
Chapter Summary

Trying.

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Regulus hated therapy. He also hated James Potter… and trying, whatever that was supposed
to mean. Because now they were sitting on a couch across from James’s mindhealer, and
Regulus wanted to stab somebody.

James seemed similarly unhappy with the situation because he was twisting a loose thread on
the sofa around his finger so tightly that it was turning blue. Regulus reached out and slapped
his hand.

“Stop that,” Regulus told him. James looked up, just staring dumbly and Regulus sighed.
“I’m going to hex you,” Regulus told him, and James sat up straighter.

“Why? I wasn’t doing anything to you!”

“Your existence alone is enough.”

James opened his mouth to respond when Healer Potts cleared her throat. “Boys…” They
both froze like children being scolded. “I’m glad you’ve both agreed to meet today. I’m sure
this wasn’t an easy step to take, and I commend you both for it.”

Regulus kept his mouth clamped shut and James nodded next to him, turning his attention to
the healer.
“Now, I don’t want to rush anything or make either of you feel uncomfortable, the boundaries
are yours to set up. Really, my job here is to mediate. Regulus, have you ever done
mindhealing before?”

Regulus didn’t respond at first, but neither James nor Healer Potts said anything, so they sat
in silence for a moment while Regulus gathered his words.

“Not mindhealing, the muggle equivalent…” he paused. “Uh, I was in rehab. I still do an
outpatient program.”

“Then you’re at least a little familiar with how mindhealing and therapy work, that’s good. I
understand that this can be uncomfortable and overwhelming, so we’ll take this slow. Why
don’t you two just tell me a little bit about why you decided to take this step? Does one of
you want to start?”

“Um,” James began, leaning forward on the sofa. “We decided to try?” he said, his voice
lifting at the end of his sentence in a question. “I– yes, I guess I thought we needed help with
that… I don’t really know what we’re doing or how we’re supposed to do it. It’s all too
delicate and I’m afraid we’ll fuck it up on our own.”

Healer Potts nodded. “And Regulus, what about you?”

Regulus shrugged. “The same,” he said quickly.

Healer Potts crossed her legs at the ankles. “It was James who came up with the idea, yes?”

“Yes.”

“And you simply agreed?”

“I- not at first.” Healer Potts tilted her head, encouraging him to go on and Regulus
swallowed. “It was partly the same as James…” he muttered. “I understand this isn’t working
and it wasn’t going to. I guess I wanted to make sure I was somehow being held accountable.
I keep running away, and I don’t know how to stop. I was afraid that I’d want to leave again.”

“So you want to stay?”

“I’ve always wanted to stay,” Regulus admitted, “but I never have before. I don’t have any
practice with it.”

“Thank you for telling us this, Regulus. This is a great start, both of you.” Healer Potts
smiled gently.

"We haven’t even done anything yet,” James pointed out.

“Yes, you have,” Healer Potts told him firmly. “Making the choice to come here, showing up,
and then speaking honestly, those are all huge and important steps. Don’t discredit
yourselves.”

“It can’t possibly be that easy,” Regulus said, crossing his arms.

“No, it’s not. But every step is important and worth acknowledging. Some things may come
easily between you and some won’t, your job is to simply try your best no matter what. Do
you think you’re both willing to do that?”

“Yes,” James said instantly, and Regulus nodded a beat later.

“Good, then that’s the hardest part. Let’s talk…”

--
“I think we should buy a house.”

Sirius spun, eyes wide. “Huh?”

“A house, Pads. Let’s buy one,” Remus said calmly, arms crossed over his chest as he gazed
up at the ceiling.

“Do you think it’s time?” Sirius asked hesitantly.

“C’mon,” Remus sat up at the edge of their bed. “As much as I love living with Lily, James,
and Harry, I do think it’s time. I feel good about this, about us… as long as you do?”

“I do, I do, it’s just… Do you think we’ll be okay?” Sirius asked softly, and Remus
understood his fear. They hadn’t lived alone together since Remus had left. As stable as they
felt in their relationship now, an ache still lingered at times. They couldn’t erase how close
they’d come to losing each other.

“We made it this far Sirius, I’m not worried about us. Are you?”

“I’m not worried about us, you and me together, we’re… good, perfect… I’m worried about
losing you,” Sirius said, and it still surprised Remus sometimes that Sirius was comfortable
enough to express his vulnerability in front of Remus.

Most people thought Sirius Black was untouchable. Bold, blinding, a ball of energy,
confidence, and wild grins. People either loved him or hated him, but most of them didn’t
have the privilege of knowing him.

Remus remembered when they’d started dating after years of back and forth, and everyone’s
faces when he’d told the girls.
“Black?” Mary had asked, aghast. “Rem, you could have anyone in the world.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” Remus had told her.

Lily had put a hand on Mary’s shoulder. “Look, I know he cares for you, Remus. That much is
obvious, and we’ll support you no matter what–”

“But he’s also treated you like shit,” Marlene cut her off and Lily sighed. “Last year,
remember all that fighting? I thought James was going to kill himself, or one of you!”

“James still looks like he’s going to kill himself,” Mary mused. “Even more so now, actually.
I don’t think he sleeps.”

“I’ve seen him out at night,” Lily said with a frown.

Mary wiggled her eyebrows. “And what were you doing walking the corridors at night…
alone, with Potter?”

Lily flushed red. “It was only once, after the thing with Sev. Other than that he just mentioned
it, seems to know the castle well.”

“You think Potter’s got a bird?” Mary giggled. “Rem? Do you know something?”

“Okay, okay, back to the topic at hand!” Marlene scoffed. “No one gives a shit about James’s
sex life.”

Remus normally would have caught on to the way Marlene shifted, purposely switching the
topic, but at the time he was still nervous about bringing up Sirius and his mind didn’t pick
up the pieces.
“Right, okay.” Mary clapped her hands. “If you’re happy, we’re happy, Rem. But if he hurts
you, we’ll throw him off the astronomy tower. I’ve got my eye on him.” She narrowed her
eyes dangerously as if to prove a point, and Remus couldn’t help but chuckle lightly.

“Thanks, Mary.” He shook his head. “But I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

It wasn’t that the girls had been entirely wrong; Sirius hadn’t always treated Remus the best,
but the opposite was true as well. Because Remus was quieter and less likely to get into a
brawl in the hall, people often saw Sirius as the problem and Remus as innocent. But the
truth was he gave as good as he got. Neither of them was perfect, and Sirius was far more
insecure than he let most people see. Remus felt honored that he was one of the few that was
allowed to see underneath his bravado.

Snapping back to the present, Remus stood, reaching out for Sirius who went without
hesitation, something between them as natural as breathing. He wrapped his arms around
Sirius who tucked his head under Remus’s chin. Sirius’s hands snaked under his shirt, not in a
sexual way, but with the need to feel warmth, to touch his skin and be sure of his solidness.

“Sometimes I’m afraid we died in the war and none of this is real,” Sirius whispered into
Remus’s neck.

“If we’re dead, then this isn’t the worst place to be,” Remus muttered. “But we’re here, it’s
real.”

Sirius breathed in deeply. “So…” he began slowly, “a house?”

“Yeah,” Remus said, pulling away, slightly breathless as his partner began to smile, eyes
lighting up. “Let’s do it.”

Sirius’s smile widened and then Remus was smiling too, and they burst into giggles like a
pair of children.
Remus couldn’t help but feel that they’d made out alright, even after everything.

--

Regulus barely looked up as the bell jingled, reaching out to scratch Brownie behind the ears
as she stretched out happily in the sunlight. He flipped the page of his book lazily, bent over
the counter.

“Working hard, I see.”

Regulus startled upright, only letting out a breath when he registered Remus in front of him,
an amused smile on his face.

“Merlin, Lupin, you scared me half to fucking death,” Regulus muttered, snapping his book
closed. “What are you even doing here?”

“Visiting you, of course. Want to join me for your lunch break?”

“I can if you’re buying,” Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“Really, rich boy?”

“Ex-rich boy,” Regulus corrected. “I make two pounds an hour.”

Remus frowned at that. “What about your inheritance? Shouldn’t it be yours now that you’re
alive? I know Bellatrix and the Malfoys were controlling the money before, but it’s rightfully
yours.”
“Um, no,” Regulus admitted. “I signed everything that didn’t go to Sirius away to Cissa when
I realized I wasn’t planning on coming back to London anytime soon. She had nothing after
the ministry seized the Malfoy fortune, and she has a son to raise. She needed it more than
me.”

“Wow,” Remus said quietly. “That was generous of you.” There was something scrutinizing
in his gaze, and Regulus still hated the way Remus Lupin always saw right through him.

“I pretty much owe Cissa everything,” Regulus said, but he didn’t elaborate. They all knew
she’d helped him get clean, but he’d never mentioned what had happened in the Forbidden
Forest, and he thought it’d be a long time until he was ready to.

“And you’d already decided you weren’t coming back.” Regulus stiffened, but Remus’s voice
wasn’t accusing.

“I didn’t decide, it just happened.”

“Really?” Remus challenged. “So there wasn’t any moment when you could have come back
but chose not to? I don’t believe that you stayed away by accident.”

“It wasn’t an active choice!”

“But it was a choice,” Remus stated calmly. “I’m not blaming you, Reg, I’m just saying that
you chose to leave and you chose to stay away, even if you didn’t feel you had control over
that decision. You still chose to do so.”

Regulus hesitated. He thought of the boxes he hadn’t packed, still sitting on the floor of his
house in Italy, of Bea and Isa who had looked at him, waiting for him to do something until
he’d fled to France to avoid their eyes.

“I- I suppose.”
“Look,” Remus began. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. Let’s just get lunch.
We haven’t had any time together in ages, and I miss my friend. I’m not here to bicker.”

“I’m not your friend,” Regulus muttered because that was what he’d always said and he
wasn’t about to stop now.

“Reg,” Remus huffed out a laugh. “I have some bad news for you: you’re my best friend.”

“No, that’s James.”

“Yeah, James is one of them. You’re another.”

“Lily is another.”

“Yes. You, James, and Lily. I’m very lucky in the best friend department.”

Regulus wrinkled his nose in disgust, but as he headed toward the backroom to let Johnny
know he was taking his break, he couldn’t help but feel warmth blooming in his chest.

Regulus let Remus decide where they were eating because he’d apparently read in the paper
about some café he wanted to try. Regulus didn’t ask if Remus had always read muggle
papers, but he was curious. He probably had; Remus had grown up with a muggle mum, and
he was the only one aside from Lily who was entirely comfortable visiting Regulus in
muggle London and navigating the world.

“You ever imagine you’d end up in the muggle world?” Remus asked as they walked down
the busy streets, as if he’d read Regulus’s mind.
“Well, I had to acclimate when I was pretending to be dead,” Regulus said, not really
answering the question.

Remus was too sharp to let Regulus dodge it and knocked their shoulders together gently.
“Partly…” he suggested slowly, giving Regulus the chance to decide whether he wanted to
open up. Regulus hadn’t really talked about what had happened during the time that he’d
been away and everyone had been careful not to push him, but Remus had always been less
likely to cut him slack. As brash as Sirius was, he still saw Regulus as something to be
protected, his little brother, his child. Not to say Sirius had ever babied Regulus, he’d always
treated him equally, but Sirius was a little more prone to coddling Regulus at times. Remus
had no such problem. He’d never taken Regulus’s shit a single second they’d known each
other. It was an admirable trait, probably honed from years of dealing with Sirius.

Now, everyone had been treating Regulus as if he were delicate (with the exception of James,
which was a whole other can of worms Regulus didn’t care to examine at that moment), even
Remus hadn’t pushed, but it was clear he’d now decided he had held back long enough.

“I— yes,” Regulus said after a moment, eyes focused on his feet as they walked, the
grounding weight of Remus’s arm brushing against his keeping him in the moment. He was
in London, he was safe with Remus, the war was over, the sun was shining. “I don’t know if
I’ll ever be able to go back to the wizarding world. I’ve been living with muggles since the
war ended, and I prefer it. I rarely even do magic anymore… Do you think that’s a waste?”

“A waste? Why would that be a waste, Regulus?”

Regulus shrugged. “I’m not an idiot, I know I’m powerful and probably special in some
ways… I know I did a lot of things other people couldn’t do. I killed Voldemort. Isn't the
person who did that expected to do something big after? Shouldn’t I? I’m a Black, one of the
oldest magical families. I know I’m far from stupid, but I’m throwing it all away to be a
nobody. To live in a little flat and work at a bookshop…”

“Yeah, and what the fuck is wrong with that?” Remus countered, his voice firm. “You don’t
need to be great, Regulus. You’ve done the impossible, you’ve sacrificed so much. It’s not
your duty to keep giving more just because you were the unlucky sod that was smart enough
to take down Voldemort. You did it, and if anyone wants anything else from you, I’ll kill
them myself. You never really wanted to be the Black heir, did you? Now you’re free, you
can be whoever you want, and that’s not something you should feel guilty about.”
“So even if I live in the muggle world forever and never do anything bigger than work in a
store, you wouldn’t think I’m crazy?”

“I’d think you’ve earned it.”

“What if I don’t want to work in a bookshop forever?”

Remus laughed quietly at that, pausing in his steps and pulling Regulus to the side so they
weren’t in the way of pedestrians “Regulus, my answer is the same no matter what you ask
me. Do whatever the fuck you want. You earned it, you’re allowed to, and I’ll support you
whatever you decide. So you could work in fast food for the rest of your life and I’d say
great, as long as you’re happy. You could go back to the wizarding world or stay here, write a
book or open your own store, whatever you want.”

Regulus blinked, a memory flashing through his mind with such intensity he flinched. A
store, books and records, you and me. Théo’s smile and sandy hair glinting in the sunlight as
Regulus looked down at the city below. Regulus Black didn’t mean anything to Théo except
the fact that it was the name of his friend. He’d never asked Regulus where he came from or
what he was hiding; all he wanted was for them to get better. Théo hadn’t, Regulus had…
mostly. He still felt so shaky and off balance, he was still terrified the world would never
right itself and he’d be clinging to the edge of a cliff forever.

Remus caught the shift in Regulus’s demeanor, frowning and touching his shoulder gently,
just the careful nudge of his fingers, not too much. Just enough to bring Regulus back from
New York and home to London, where the streets were bustling and sirens were singing their
familiar tune, the pitch different from the ones in America.

“What is it?” Remus asked softly.

Regulus swallowed, refusing to blink so he wouldn’t have to see the image of Theo’s face
burned into the back of his eyes. “My friend, he wanted to open a shop. He said we could sell
books and records together, get clean, get better.”
“What happened?”

“We both overdosed. He died, I woke up.”

“I’m sorry.” Normally when people said that, Regulus brushed it off, but Remus was
different. The two words were so often meaningless from most, but from Remus, they were
tinged with genuine sorrow and instead of pity… empathy.

“Me too,” Regulus said, and Remus didn’t say anything about the tightness of his voice, only
squeezed Regulus’s shoulder before dropping his hand, waiting for Regulus to decide if he
wanted to continue. He didn’t, but somehow before he could stop it, the words were
overflowing and spilling from his lips. “I just don’t understand. Why me? Why do I keep
waking up? So many people who are better than me died too easily, but every time I think it’s
over, I open my eyes and I’m still here. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve that.”

“Nothing is fair. Life isn’t fair, so stop thinking of it like that,” Remus said, straightening.
“Bad things happen to good people, bad people get everything they ever wanted… War goes
on and on, we end one and another will eventually follow. It never stops, the violence never
truly ends. It’s not fair, it never has been. You’re not a fool, Regulus Black, so don’t act like
one. You can cry about fairness all you want, but you’re here, I’m here. You deserve to live
whether you believe that or not. I know deep down you still think of yourself as rotten. Once
a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. But you aren’t. You’re not a monster or a savior, you’re
just a person. Take it from someone who has spent most of my life battling over the fact that
there’s something dark inside of me. We all have it.”

“That’s not true. I can think of plenty of people who are perfectly good right down to their
core.”

“No,” Remus said, and Regulus normally won arguments, even with Remus, but the certainty
in the other man’s voice made Regulus second guess himself this time. “See, I used to think
that. I believed that I alone was secretly dark and everyone around me was good. I looked at
my friends, at Sirius. At James especially. I looked up to him when we were young because
he was so caring, so full of warmth and kindness. I thought he was so perfectly good. I’m
ashamed to admit that it’s only in the past few years that I realized how wrong I was. It
wasn’t until I watched him kill Barty for you, and intentional or not, he didn’t even flinch.
That’s when it hit me that James is just as capable of darkness as you or me. Any one of us
can turn if we’re desperate enough. No one is just good or just bad. Maybe for some people,
the right decision seems easier for them to make, but do you really believe it makes you bad
because you have to choose to do good? Couldn’t I argue that the fact that it’s hard but you
try to be good anyway makes you better than those it comes easily to?”

Dorcas had said something similar, and Regulus felt a pang of grief as he realized that Dorcas
and Remus would have probably been very close friends in another life. They both had a
certain rational harshness and power to them, but they were caring and fiercely protective and
loyal to those they loved. Soft when they needed to be and firm when it was called for as
well.

“You’re probably right,” Regulus muttered, looking down so he didn’t have to meet Remus’s
eyes. “But I can’t ever really shake off this… feeling. The Dark Mark will always be there. I
tried to cut it off when I was eighteen, but I can never fully get rid of it. My parents are
always there in the back of my head. I can’t undo anything.”

“No, you can’t, but you’re not bad because of the marks your past has left on you. Have you
ever talked about this with Sirius?”

“Not really… We’ve been getting better with the whole talking thing, but it’s still hard.”

“Then I think you should talk to him,” Remus told Regulus gently. “The stuff about your
family… Well, there’s only one other person in the world who knows what it was like
growing up there. You might find you’re more alike in the way it lingers than you think.”

“Sirius and I aren’t alike.”

Remus let out a peal of laughter at that, and Regulus lifted his head in confusion.

“What?” he demanded.

Remus shook his head, smiling in amusement. “It’s just that Sirius said the exact same thing.”
Regulus scoffed but followed when Remus held out a hand, pulling them back into the
middle of the pavement and on their way again. “You’re alike in as many ways as you’re
different,” Remus said as they began walking again.

“Don’t be wise with me, Lupin.”

“Oh, come on, I’ve just been spitting wisdom today. Hasn’t it been great?”

“Shut up.”

“If only.”

Regulus’s lunch break went a little long that day, but he returned to his shift feeling a bit
lighter than he had when he’d left.

“I’m coming back later this week,” Remus told him as he was departing.

“Don’t you have better things to do?”

“Nope, not at all. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve been here.”

Remus didn’t comment on that, only smiled, his eyes a little sad. “I’ll see you later, Reg.”

Brownie was still asleep on the counter, and Regulus reached out to scratch the cat’s ears as
he watched Remus leave, the bell on the door singing him goodbye. The shop was warm and
Regulus could hear Johnny humming along with the radio somewhere in the back office.
Regulus wasn’t sure if this was who he wanted to be forever, but he supposed there were
worse people to be.

“So, you both completed your task for last week. It seems to me that it went well,” Healer
Potts said with a smile.

“We just told you we fought the entire time,” Regulus remarked with narrowed eyes. “How
on earth does that sound like it went well?”

“Fighting is natural, as long as you’re both respecting and listening to each other, that’s
what’s important.”

James just frowned. Healer Potts had been slowly encouraging them to spend more time
together in different environments. At first, it was mostly around their friends and even then
they rarely talked to each other when they were in a group. James hated that it felt like they
were being scrutinized by their loved ones whenever they were together. This week had been
the first time they were alone together since they’d fallen into bed. It had, as Regulus noted,
been pretty bad. They hadn’t been able to stop bickering, and James was frustrated with
himself and his inability to control his temper. But Healer Potts was right: they’d tried and
despite fighting, they’d managed to talk it out at the end of the day and went home under a
delicate and slightly suffocating truce.

“We did try,” James muttered because it was true, he just wasn’t sure how successful they’d
been.

“Now tomorrow, you’re going to help Regulus clean out his old house,” Healer Potts crossed
her legs at the ankle, surveying them. “How are you feeling about this?”

“I think I’ll manage not to murder James,” Regulus said flatly. “Just barely.”
James sighed, leaning back on the sofa. “You’re so dramatic, it’ll be fine!”

“And you’re too optimistic! Stop that, it’ll absolutely be terrible, and you know it. Don’t put
on your happy, go-lucky act for me.”

“It’s not an act, I’m an optimistic person.”

“You don’t always need to be.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?” Regulus turned so he was fully facing James on the sofa now, his eyes blazing.
“You didn’t use to act like that, not with me!”

“I’m not acting, it has nothing to do with you! What are you trying to imply?”

“You don’t trust me anymore,” Regulus said fiercely. “You don’t trust me and you won’t
admit it.”

“It’s not trust—”

“Then what?”

“I don’t want to hurt you!” James said, his voice rising. “You’ve been through so much, and I
don’t want to put my fucking burdens on your shoulders!

“I don’t need you to protect me! Why is everyone trying to shelter me?”
“Because we care about you! I’m sorry you can’t fathom that, Regulus!”

“Okay, let’s take a breath,” Healer Potts cut in. Her voice was firm but she didn’t need to
raise it at all to cut into their argument. “This is good. You’re getting some honesty, but I
want to avoid any escalation right now. Let’s pause, then you can take turns discussing how
you feel. While one person is talking, the other isn’t allowed to interrupt until they’re done
and vice versa. Is that alright with you two?”

Regulus scowled but nodded after a second, and James glanced between the younger man and
his healer before replying quietly, “Okay, yes.”

“Perfect. James, you talked last so Regulus, why don’t you go? Try to avoid any of the
blaming language we talked about, just tell us how you feel and what you’re thinking.”

“Fine.” Regulus crossed his arms looking at a point on the wall behind Healer Potts. “I feel
like… like I’m being babied and it’s driving me nuts.” His jaw was tense as he swallowed.
“I’m not going to break. I want James to be honest with me instead of hiding away or not
talking to me. I can handle being hurt, I’ve had more than enough of it.”

James opened his mouth, but Healer Potts held a hand up. “James, hold on, remember the
rules… Regulus, is there anything else you want to say before James speaks?”

Regulus finally tore his gaze away from the wall, looking at James for half a second before
looking down to his hands which were clenched tightly in his lap. “James can speak,” he
mumbled.

“Great. James, go ahead, and remember the terms.” Healer Potts smiled encouragingly.

“I know you’ve had more than enough pain,” James said, trying to keep his voice level and
unaccusing since Regulus had the same during his turn. “That’s the problem. It’s not that I
think you can’t handle my shit, I think you don’t deserve to. I feel like you forget that I’ve
seen it all. I was there through the beginning of your addiction, and I know you feel guilty
over that, but you shouldn’t because if I didn’t want to be there for you, I wouldn’t have
been. I stayed because I loved you and I wanted to help in any way I could. I was one of the
only people who saw that. I can’t help that I want to spare you from anything more... it’s not
lack of trust or love, it’s because I value you above almost anyone. I know you’re more than
strong enough, but I don’t want you to need to be all the time.”

The silence that followed rang in James’s ears, and he dared a glance at Regulus who still had
his head down, an anguished expression twisting his face.

“Reg…” James whispered, reaching out tentatively, hand hovering over the younger Black’s
arm. James half expected Healer Potts to interject that it was Regulus’s turn now, but she
stayed silent and so when Regulus didn’t push James away, he laid a careful hand on his
forearm.

Regulus looked up at the touch and James’s stomach dropped as he realized his eyes were
glassy with tears.

“Hey, hey…” James said, his voice cracking with tenderness.

“Sorry,” Regulus whispered hoarsely.

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you feel bad. I don’t want you to feel like I
don’t trust you. I do. I do and I’ll try to be more honest about how I’m really doing and
feeling, but you don’t need to be my only support anymore, Regulus. I have Healer Potts and
I’m more open with everyone else, too. I don’t want that burden on your shoulders.”

“It’s not a burden,” Regulus said, his voice small. “I know I don’t need to be your therapist,
but I don’t want you to be fake with me either.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll try to do better with that,” James said, squeezing his arm.

Regulus took a deep breath. “I don’t think this will work if we’re not completely honest with
each other.”
“I agree.”

Regulus hesitated and James wondered if he was surprised by how easily James had agreed.
“Good,” he said stiffly. “I- sorry for yelling at you earlier, I shouldn’t have escalated things.”

“It’s okay, I yelled too. I’m sorry as well.”

When James let go of Regulus’s arm and turned back to Healer Potts, he was surprised to find
her smiling proudly.

“What?” James asked her in confusion.

“That was wonderful!” She exclaimed.

Regulus sniffed wiping at his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“You didn’t even realize it,” she told them with an amused grin, “but you both communicated
very well without any blaming or hostility and then accepted responsibility and apologized to
each other. That was exactly everything we’ve been talking about without any prompting
from me.”

“Oh,” James blinked. “We did good?”

“Yes, James, you did.”

“Cool,” he said dumbly, and next to him Regulus laughed suddenly, his voice still a little
shaky but amused, which caused James to break out into an involuntary grin.
“Cool,” Regulus repeated in exasperation, mocking James, but it was clearly light-hearted
and it made the room feel suddenly warmer.

For a moment, they were all smiling before Healer Potts jumped into their homework for next
session and for once, James found it in himself to feel blindly hopeful.

Number 4 Privet Drive

Little Whinging

1985

Lily wasn’t sure what she expected when she went to see Petunia.

It wasn’t the silence, though. It wasn’t the startling and heartbreaking realization that she
didn’t even recognize her sister anymore.

They were seated in Petunia’s godawful floral living room. The entire place was stifling and
stunk of perfume. There were pictures of the family hung on the walls, Dudley dressed in all
sorts of ugly outfits and different ages and the thing was, if not for her sister's face in the
family photos, Lily would have thought it was someone else’s family.

“So?” Petunia asked finally, legs crossed at the ankles, hands folded in her lap.

Lily wondered if Petunia felt the same way, if she looked at Lily, her jeans and old jumper so
out of place in the stiff house and wondered how they were even related.

“How have you been?” Lily asked, trying to shake off the image that she was speaking to a
stranger. This was her sister. They’d grown up together… Yet, even as Lily thought it, she
wondered if that was necessarily true. Lily had barely lived at home since she was eleven.
Maybe from that day, they’d already been doomed.

“Why are you here?” Was all Petunia said in response, and Lily’s heart dropped. She’d hoped
Petunia would at least try, but maybe it was stupid.

“We haven’t really spoken since the war ended. I did want to thank you for watching Harry.”

“He’s a far too energetic child,” Petunia sniffed.

Lily swallowed, resisting the urge to scoff. “Well, he’s grown up surrounded by war. I’ve
only ever encouraged his spirit.”

“I can see that,” Petunia said, as if her own son weren’t the biggest brat on the planet.

Lily frowned. “Well, I appreciated you agreeing to watch him. James and I are thankful.”

“How is Potter?” Petunia asked as if she were disgusted by the act of simply saying his
name. “Still not married?”

“No, we broke up.”

Petunia’s eyebrows shot up and Lily hated that she looked satisfied by this information. “Ah,
shame. Must be tricky raising a child like that.”

“Not really,” Lily said tightly. “We still live together, we’re still family. Though it may be
unconventional, I’m very happy and content with my life.”

Petunia scoffed and Lily felt her blood boil. “I’m sure you are.”
Lily stood suddenly, unable to bite her tongue a second longer. “Do you not care for me one
bit? Do you not care that I survived a war? I could have died, this could have been it but it’s
not, I’m here and all you’re doing is making remarks about my life choices.”

“Oh don’t try to scourge up pity, Lily.” Petunia stood as well, crossing her bony arms.
“You’re not dead, and it’s not my fault you chose to get caught up in that lot and their
freakish war. You act as if it’s such a big deal, yet we were perfectly fine here, weren’t we?
There’s no need to be dramatic.”

“Thousands of people died! My friends, the people I loved! Do you not understand that?
What, just because you managed to turn out perfectly fine you think it was nothing? Do you
have any idea how many muggleborns lost their family! I hid myself away, I kept my
distance to protect you–”

“You kept your distance long before that, Lily. Don’t pretend we’re family. We’re not. We
stopped being family when you couldn’t even be bothered to be there when mum and dad
died. You showed just how much you cared then. Don’t pretend you’re someone you’re not.
Perfect, pretty, brilliant Lily.” Petunia sneered, mouth twisted viciously.

“I didn’t know–”

“I don’t want your excuses. I don’t need you. Go running back to your real family and leave
me alone. I don’t need you ruining my life just like you ruin everything else you touch.”

Lily froze, silence stretching between them, and she realized in the most terrible, aching, way
that this was probably it.

Petunia didn’t understand, and she probably never would. There was a divide so great
between them, and Lily was the only one who ever tried to cross it. Petunia didn’t want to fix
things, didn’t want her. Lily refused to break her back for someone who wouldn’t do the
same.
 “You’ll always be my sister,” Lily said softly, refusing to yell anymore. “I’ll always love you,
but I don’t have to sit here and listen to you when you refuse to try. If you ever want to, come
find me. But I’m not putting my own well-being on the line to make myself into someone
else. I can’t change myself to be easier for you to consume and accept. I can’t force you to
understand or love me, and I won’t try any longer.”

“Then leave,” Petunia scowled and Lily could see that not a single word she’d just said had
really made it through to her.

Lily looked at her sister one last time, before shaking her head and turning her back. She saw
herself out, through the spotless halls and out the front door where Petunia’s house looked
exactly like every other house on the block.

Even as she felt tears threatening to choke her, Lily let out a watery laugh. Because as
devastating as losing her sister was, a part of Lily finally felt free. No longer forced to fit into
the box of somebody she wasn’t.

Chapter End Notes

Hello! Welcome back, and happy Friday!

It's taking everything in me not to dump the last few chapters on you guys all at once, so
count your days. I'm so impatient. I'm excited for this to be finished but I will also miss
our little anti-hero Fridays :(

ANYWAY, hope you enjoyed. If you can handle a very, very tragic, and devastating fic
about death and music, you should go read my new fic 27 club which I will be finishing
posting today and tomorrow.

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
 Chapter thirty-eight
Chapter Notes

Surprise! you ask and I deliver. Here are the last three chapters of anti-hero for you
today on this fine Friday. Enjoy :,)

See the end of the chapter for more notes

They didn’t talk much on their way to Italy and Regulus thought that James, like him, was
probably afraid of disrupting their careful peace. It was the first time since he’d been taken by
Barty that the two of them had been on any sort of solid footing , and Regulus was terrified of
ruining it.

James paused to look at the house as Regulus climbed the porch steps and unlocked the door.

“Nice place,” James remarked , stepping onto the porch to stand behind him as he pushed
open the front door.

“I guess… I’ve abandoned it multiple times.”

“Shh,” James said with a grin. “Accept the compliment, it’s a cute house. You’re sure you’re
ready to get rid of it?”

“Yes,” Regulus said, wrinkling his nose as the slightly musty smell of his long empty house
hit him. “That part of my life is done now.”

“Will you miss it?”

If not for his desire to maintain peace , Regulus might have refused to answer . B ut if their
recent therapy session had told Regulus anything, it was that James truly was trying and
Regulus wanted to as well.

“I don’t know, but it’s probably time to find out.”

James was silent at that, and Regulus didn’t turn around to see whatever expression he might
have been wearing. Instead, he set off into the house , stopping in the kitchen to pull out the
pile of now - dusty boxes that needed to be loaded.

“Where do you want to start?” James asked from behind him, and the question was
overwhelming . Regulus had no idea so he simply shrugged. “Maybe the stuff you use the
least?” James suggested carefully when Regulus didn’t verbalize an answer. “That way if this
takes you multiple days or you have to stay over you’ll still have some everyday items.”

“Okay, fine,” Regulus mumbled, and they set to work, not speaking any more than was
necessary.

The day passed faster than Regulus thought it would. He was sitting cross-legged on his
dining room floor, and James was rolling plates into brown paper to pad them for transport
while Regulus packed books , glancing at titles as he went. They’d been quiet for so long that
the sun had begun to paint the house golden, seeping through the dusty windows.

Regulus was absorbed in the book he was packing , leafing through the pages, lip caught
between his teeth. The sun was in his eyes and he squinted , shaking his curls out of his face
as he peered down at the notes he’d left between the pages.

Years of looking over his shoulder and surviving by the skin of his teeth had given Regulus
sharp instincts , and his head shot up as he felt the weight of being watched prickling on his
skin. He reacted quickly enough that , for a split second before James realized Regulus was
looking back, he was able to catch sight of his unfiltered gaze. It was…

Indescribable .
James’s eyes were wide, the warm brown depths of them almost awestruck as he watched
Regulus, his mouth parted and gaze wistful, longing. He blinked as soon as he realized
Regulus had caught him, pulling back slightly but not like he was hiding, more as if he were
afraid of how Regulus might respond.

“ What ?” Regulus snapped because he didn’t know how to react to the intensity of that look.

“I’m in love with you,” James blurted out in breathless wonder , and Regulus startled at the
words, closing the book he was holding with a loud snap.

They blinked at one another, and James turned red, like he hadn’t meant to say that at all.

“Did you not know that before now?” Regulus asked coolly, focusing on shoving the book
into the box with the others and grabbing for the next one, opening the first page.

James didn’t reply for a long time and Regulus was too scared to look at him, so he simply
went back to sorting books as if no words had been spoken. Regulus pretended he didn’t care,
but he knew James saw right through him, especially as he froze when James finally spoke
again.

“It’s not that I didn’t know, or that I forgot even… it’s that it’s been a long time since I could
focus on that. Since I remembered to.” Regulus didn’t respond but he didn’t get up and walk
away either, and James knew him well enough to know that was permission to continue.
“Even after Barty took you and we started to talk a bit more… even in your flat when you
agreed to try with me… I didn’t really focus on that fact. There was so much to be worried
about that somehow, even though I felt it, though I feel it every moment of every day…it’s
been a long time since I allowed myself to really feel it, accept it. But just now, I did.”

“Why?” Regulus mumbled . “What’s different about right now?”

“There’s nothing else to do,” James said simply. “We have nowhere to be, nothing else to
focus on. You’re sitting here looking like some ethereal angel with the sun shining on you
and those fucking curls and I want to crawl into your chest and let you consume me. I want to
spend every second of the rest of my life with you even when it hurts, even when the sun
isn’t shining and I’m not thinking about being in love with you. You’re in my bones, in my
soul, and all I want is more .”

Regulus didn’t know how to let those words past his defenses at first, how to let himself
accept them. He knew James loved him, that wasn’t debatable , but maybe in the same way
James had forgotten to properly feel it, so had Regulus. His own love for James and James’s
love for him.

Once the notion made it through a chink in Regulus’s armor , he winced . F or a moment , it
hurt… and then it didn’t.

He could probably never fully understand. Why would a man like James Potter love him ?
Why would James continue to come back even when Regulus didn’t deserve it? Why would
James choose him time and time again? Yet, he had. Over and over . M aybe it was time for
Regulus to simply accept it as a mystery of the universe.

“Does everyone know where you are today?” Regulus said instead of I’m in love with you
too.

James, an expert in reading between Regulus’s lines , just smiled faintly before shaking his
head. “I haven’t said anything about us, the therapy, or working things out. Probably best
kept between us for the time being , I think… T hey just know I had to do something for
mindhealing.”

Regulus nodded. “We won’t finish today.”

“No, I don’t imagine we would…” James agreed slowly, tilting his head like if he looked at
Regulus from the right angle he might be able to see what he was thinking.

“You should stay.”

James didn’t blink. They held each other’s gaze. Eventually, he swallowed, getting to his feet.
“I’ll firecall Lily and let her know. Do you have any floo powder lying around?”

“Yes,” Regulus said quickly, leaving the room before James could ask him what it all meant.

Regulus didn’t know.

--

James couldn’t sleep.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the same thing.

This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence ; James still had nightmares often. There were days
when the images were burned on the backs of his eyelids. Barty hitting the wall, head
knocking back, life ending in an instant. Pandora at his doorstep, blonde hair wet with rain,
Regulus reaching out as she fell to her death. That moment when James reached up and
realized Regulus had taken the ring. He’d felt it with absolute certainty that Regulus was
dead. He’d known, and that feeling didn’t go away. It never went away . H e could still feel
the edges of grief sometimes, from the days when James thought Regulus had died at
eighteen. Sometimes, he thought of visiting Regulus’s empty grave, just to feel something.
Because in the first months after Regulus returned, fresh out of rehab, James looked at him
and didn’t find any more tangible pieces of Regulus Black in his eyes than he did in a
gravestone. It was like watching a shell of a person . I t hurt.

It still hurt , even as Regulus had slowly begun to settle back in. Because to James, Regulus
had been dead, not just once, but twice, and a part of James still felt like he was reaching for
someone who was six feet under.

Sleeping was often hard, because these thoughts, these images, they looped. Over and over
again in his head. Twisting an icy hand around his lungs until he’d jump out of bed, panting
for breath and praying that the floor would be solid when his feet met it.
James was in a constant battle between knowing he needed to sleep and being terrified of it,
but just as terrified as losing control.

The first few months after the war had ended , it’d been so bad that James had gone entire
days without sleeping. He’d wound up triggering a manic episode for the first time since he’d
been getting treatment and the comedown had been terrifying. He’d been scared of what his
friends would say, if they’d look at him differently or with pity .

Remus had been the first person to talk to him, aside from Healer Potts, and James had held
his breath. Except, when James had apologized, Remus had only jumped up and hugged him
so tightly that James felt like he was human again.

“I lost control,” James had whispered into his shoulder.

“I know, but I’m here, we’re here. You don’t need to apologize.”

So James hadn’t , and not long later , Sirius and Lily had joined him as well and they’d held
each other tightly, breathing together. That was the first time James had ever let himself
properly cry in front of all of them. Nobody had flinched, nobody treated him differently.

He prioritized sleep after that.

James had been doing better since then, trying different techniques and non-addictive
measures to help him sleep. Tonight, none of it was working.

It wasn’t even death or violence that was looping in James’s head. Rather, it was the look on
Regulus’s face, the way he’d winced when James had said he wanted him. How that twisted
expression had quickly broken into something else, almost… acceptance. James didn’t know
what that meant, he didn’t know why Regulus had asked him to stay.

With a frustrated sigh, James sat up , shaking off his blanket and standing. Regulus’s spare
bedroom was small and unfamiliar ; every time he tried to sleep , his eyes would jerk open
and he’d startle at his surroundings.

James carefully made his way down the stairs . H e needed to see Regulus. Just to be sure he
was breathing, that he was there and alive.

He stopped outside of Regulus’s door , pushing it open carefully. Peering inside, he could see
Regulus’s still form, tucked into his bed. The floorboard creaked as James stepped into the
room and Regulus shifted, years of survival instincts never truly fading away.

“Jamie?” Regulus’s voice was heavy with sleep . James knew he was out of it because
Regulus hadn’t called him Jamie in a long time.

The nickname wasn’t the part that hurt. No, the knife that twisted in his gut as he stepped
forward was the sickening torture of nostalgia. Sorrow for the James Potter and Regulus
Black who had once lived, who still lingered in the moments between war and grief. The
Regulus that still called him Jamie when his defenses were down and the James that still
stepped forward without thinking.

They were still alive in there somewhere; it was evident in the string pulled taut between
them. God , James missed himself.

He missed smiling, he missed being wild and careless. When his nightmares were intangible
and he dreamed of scenarios, not memories. When he’d never seen a person die, when he’d
never considered himself capable of taking a life.

He missed Regulus too. The flush of his cheeks and the wideness of his eyes the first time
James had kissed him. Not innocent or untouched, because the world had always been cruel
to him, but with fewer scars, less weight pulling him under. His hands were delicate, always
hovering, careful, hesitant to touch.

Those people were dead. From the moment Regulus had closed his eyes and James had
walked away, leaving him, knowing that was it. A thread snipped. The end. No happily ever
after, no conclusion, nothing. Just an impasse neither could cross.
But the blade was blunt, the cut wasn’t clean.

James hadn’t even realized until he’d tugged on the thread and Regulus had followed. Barely
hanging together, fragile, and easily broken. Maybe it would snap under the weight, there was
still time, but as Regulus sat up and James stepped closer to his bed, it didn’t feel like the
end. It didn’t feel delicate. Rather, James felt like he was being pulled, and for the first time,
he had nowhere else to be.

Maybe they’d never really died. Their past selves had always been there, reaching out,
screaming behind the walls they’d been hidden behind. Teenage James would be furious, he
would hate James for what he’d done. At sixteen, Regulus was all James wanted . H e used to
look to the sky and beg whatever higher power might exist to let him keep Regulus Black. To
spare Regulus from whatever fate had been written out. James’s prayers had never been
answered.

Teenage James was begging now. Current James spoke.

“Regulus…”

“Is something wrong?” Regulus’s voice was scratchy as he blinked the sleep from his eyes .
H e was soft and rumpled and James thought the intensity of the longing that rose in his chest
might keel him over.

“No . ” A nd James was pretty sure he was telling the truth. “Not at the moment.”

“Okay…”

James took another step forward, he was almost to the bed now . S lowly, Regulus shifted,
moving from the middle to the far side, leaving an empty space.
They stared at each other, only shadows and outlines visible in the darkness. The world was
quiet . James felt like he was standing at the edge of a precipice.

Regulus was asking a question.

James moved. An answer.

He climbed into the empty space, letting Regulus pull the blankets up between them, laying
down together.

For a moment , they were stiff. James on his back staring at the ceiling, Regulus on his side,
hands clenched where they lay on the mattress. But maybe Regulus’s teenage self was
screaming too, because after a moment, he loosened his clenched fists. He moved towards
James, only an inch, testing, asking yet again. James loosened the tension from his limbs . H
e turned his head to take in the curves of Regulus’s jaw, the way his dark hair splayed over
his pillow.

Regulus saw the invitation and he took it, scooting closer until they were in each other’s
space , and then there were no past or future selves to worry about, there was only them, in
that moment. James held an arm out and Regulus tucked himself into James’s chest, ear to his
heartbeat. His hair smelled like home as James nudged his nose into Regulus’s curls, soft,
sweet, and familiar.

James is different.

He knows this.

Regulus is different , too. They’re adults now, they’re war veterans, they’re lost and scared.

A few weeks ago he’d told Healer Potts that he didn’t know what he was doing with his life.
She’d laughed gently.
“As unique as your situation is , James, that might be the most ordinary thing you’ve ever
told me. You’re in your twenties, most people don’t know what they’re doing . Y ou have time,
you’re allowed to figure it out.”

Different used to be synonymous with bad.

But this was different , too . James had never slept in a bed with Regulus, not overnight.
Their time at Hogwarts had been spent with stolen moments and half-nights in the Room of
Requirement. There was no moment when they weren’t aware of the danger of being caught.

Regulus pressed his face into James’s neck . T hey didn’t say a word. He wasn’t sure who fell
asleep first, the quiet peace overtaking them both. A lullaby made up of their quiet breaths.

James was different. He was okay with that.

--

Regulus woke to sunlight.

He was warm, he felt calm, safe. That was the first signifier that something was different.
The second was the fact that there was definitely a hand around his waist and it was definitely
James Potter’s.

He opened his eyes, blinking in the bright light, lifting his head slightly. James was fast
asleep, the lines of his face peaceful. Sleep shaved off so much of the stress from his face that
, for a moment, Regulus could have sworn he’d been in some Time-Turner incident and been
sent back six years. James looked young. It was easy to forget sometimes how young they all
still were.
Carefully, Regulus disentangled himself from James and with one lingering look, left him
sleeping serenely. He went to the kitchen to start breakfast with the small amount of food
they’d brought with them before bending over a piece of parchment, determined to write.

List of Things to Tell James

1. …

Regulus raised his quill . H e didn’t write another word. Instead, he stared helplessly at the
parchment unable to think of where to begin.

Regulus was tired of things being hard. Why did he have to try? Why couldn’t just one thing
be easy for once?

There were a million things that needed to be talked about and not one of them was simple or
easy.

For a long time, even thinking of James made Regulus feel sick. The heavy itch of dread at
the back of his neck. It felt like being pulled under, gasping for breath.

Regulus still felt uneasy and terrified, but it felt more manageable. The thought of talking to
James didn’t make him feel like throwing up, rather , he was only slightly queasy.

“What are you making?”

Regulus jumped , spinning around, parchment clutched tightly in his hands. He didn’t answer
and James cocked his head in a question. His hair was wild from sleep and Regulus wanted to
run his hands through it. He wanted to tug and hear James gasp.

“Regulus?”
“Uh—" Regulus stuttered out. “Just… leftovers. Nothing special.”

James hummed in response, pushing his glasses up his nose. “You okay?”

Regulus didn’t answer, simply thrusting the parchment he was holding into James’s hands.

James blinked down at it in confusion, looking to Regulus with a raised eyebrow before
smoothing it out.

“ List of Things to Tell James …” he read aloud. “Reg… this is blank.”

Regulus grimaced. “I know,” he said quietly.

“Okay?”

Regulus swallowed hard, biting at the inside of his cheek as James looked at him expectantly,
taking a tentative step forward.

“I want this,” Regulus choked out and James stilled, waiting for him to continue. “I- I want to
go to sleep next to you every night, I want to wake up and make breakfast together. I want to
be able to touch you and have you, make a life together. I want to buy that stupid house with
the pets and the garden. And you know what, I want sex too , and kissing and existing in each
other’s space. I want to be close to you as often as possible. I want anything you’re willing to
offer , and I’ll give you anything you want as well, everything …”

James was silent for long enough that Regulus had to look away, terrified of what he might
say. For all their half-baked plans and dreams, Regulus had never explicitly admitted to how
badly he wanted it. Usually, James came up with the plans and Regulus followed, though
with many complaints.
“Regulus.” There was a hand on his jaw, soft and gentle as if Regulus were something
precious, a priceless piece of artwork. As James tilted his head up, Regulus might as well
have been, for the look of pure wonder and adoration James wore, lips parted, brow
furrowed.

Regulus blinked. James's fingers found the back of his neck, thumb caressing his jaw. “Hi,”
he said, looking down at Regulus breathlessly.

“Hi,” Regulus whispered back, and James’s face broke into a soft smile.

“I don’t want everything, I don’t need it,” James said quietly, his eyes searching Regulus’s. “I
just want you.”

A choked sound forced its way out of Regulus’s mouth at the sincerity of James’s words. The
gravity of the conversation sank in, making the kitchen spin around them.

This time it was Regulus’s turn to take a step forward, James’s hand still on his jaw.

Regulus remembered the first time he’d seen James again, hidden in the shadows of Diagon
Alley, his entire world tilting on its axis. How untouchable he’d seemed, how familiar, yet so
far away. He’d never even entertained the thought of being here again. Maybe even after
they’d found the diadem, even after they’d promised, Regulus still hadn’t believed it. A part
of him had always known he was born to die. A person who cut ties, turned his head, turned
his back. Regulus didn’t stay, he didn’t live.

He wondered if maybe he’d never been fated to die young at all . M aybe the reason death
reached its hand out for Regulus so often was because he believed he deserved it.

“Then live,” Dumbledore had said, and the idea had incited such an overwhelming fear that
he’d done the exact opposite. Regulus had thrown himself head-first into something he knew
could kill him, once again.
“I’ve never tried to kill myself,” Regulus told his therapist recently . T he man had simply
looked at him with a raised eyebrow, entirely unimpressed.

“Tell me something, do you look both ways before you cross the street?” Dr. Reynolds asked
him calmly.

“What?”

“Just answer—”

“I- yes, I do.”

“And have you always? When you were still using, did you?”

Regulus had looked at him in horror, because he hadn’t. When he’d lived in New York, he
never looked both ways, not a single time. He didn’t know how the doctor had known. “I was
just testing.”

“Testing?” Dr. Reynolds asked, clasping his hands together. He didn’t react in surprise or
dismay, instead, he seemed entirely calm. That was one of the reasons Regulus begrudgingly
found himself trusting the man ; despite all the crazy shit he’d told him, Dr. Reynolds never
even appeared fazed.

“Well… yes? To see how far it goes.”

“Ah,” his therapist had nodded , understanding. “Your belief that there’s some other reason
you’ve survived this long? That some higher power forces you to keep living when your loved
ones haven’t.”

“Logically, it doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t be alive.”

“And is that a good reason to try to end your life? Simply because its continuing existence
confuses you?”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Yet, you’re here. Some things don’t make sense. You say you don’t deserve to live, but do you
think your brother feels that way? Do you think your friends feel that way? I’d say it’s
subjective. Maybe in your own point of view, you see it this way, but who’s to say if there are
things you don’t know? Maybe alternate universes exist and somewhere out there, you lost
everything, maybe this life is your compensation. Or maybe there’s no rhyme or reason, but
here you are. So, let’s forget about ‘deserving’ for a second and answer me this: do you want
to live?”

Regulus was quiet for a long time after that, hands clenched in his lap.

“I don’t know, I- I just… don’t know.”

“Good,” Dr. Reynolds had smiled, “that’s a start.”

Regulus thought that if he could have that conversation again right now, his answer would be
different. He wanted so much. He wanted to spend more weekends with Sirius and Remus,
watching them smile at each other when moments were quiet. He wanted to perfect the plaits
Lily had been teaching him and finally do her hair without accidentally leaving half of it out.
He wanted to read a million more books and spend more warm afternoons at the bookstore
with Brownie the cat. He wanted to teach Harry how to be a seeker and spend every future
weekend with him , Ron, Luna, and Draco all running wild, putting flowers in his hair and
tugging at his hands, completely unaware of who Regulus really was or what the tattoo on his
forearm meant. To them, he was just Reggie who played games of pretend and helped them
with their flying. He wanted to sit between Narcissa and Andromeda while they bickered and
chatted, their relationship slowly mending.

He wanted James.
“I want you , too.”

James’s expression cracked open, his eyes filled with longing and sorrow… but something
even stronger as well: hope . “You have me,” he whispered . “Regulus , you have me.”

Regulus took another step closer. They were only an inch apart; Regulus felt the warmth of
James’s breath on his cheek. He tilted his head up as James leaned down slightly, causing
their noses to brush.

The moment was long. A quiet eternity stretched out between them. Birds were singing
outside, trees swaying in the gentle wind, painting dancing shadows on the kitchen floor. The
air was warm, the world waiting for them, taking its time.

James’s eyes flicked down to Regulus’s lips and then back up again, but he didn’t move,
letting Regulus decide.

He did.

Nothing earth-shattering happened . N o drop of his heart or twist of his stomach. The world
didn’t flip on its axis, water didn’t rush in his ears. It wasn’t heavy, nothing snapped.

It was a simple extension of James and Regulus. The bump of their nose, James’s face
nudging into his cheek as Regulus pressed forward. A centimeter between them. Regulus
breathed, their lips brushed. Not a kiss really, just closeness, intimacy. James’s hand that
wasn’t on Regulus’s jaw brushed the smallest part of Regulus’s waist and he suddenly
remembered his own hands. Regulus reached up , running a hand through James’s messy hair
. H e leaned forward and James’s glasses knocked his cheek.

Regulus made a sound of frustration, leaning back to push James’s glasses to the top of his
head , and James laughed in amusement at the unhappy look that crossed his face. Regulus
scoffed and before James could ruin the moment with a stupid remark, he pulled him down,
pressing their lips together.
It wasn’t like riding a bike or a broom.

It didn’t come back to him on instinct or in a flash.

It wasn’t like breathing, breathing was often hard.

It was…

Well, maybe not everything feels like something else.

There was the push and pull, James’s familiar smell filling Regulus’s nose. Warmth spread
down his spine as James’s fingers twisted in the back of his shirt.

Last time they’d kissed , it’d been desperate and furious, the violent snap of years of tension
between them. This wasn’t anything like that. It was sweet and gentle, yet firm. A promise, a
question, an answer.

It was just James and Regulus.

James’s teeth gently tugged at Regulus’s bottom lip as they separated just as slowly as they’d
come together. Barely moving apart, James leaned forward pressing their foreheads together.
They breathed together in the silence that followed.

“Our breakfast is going to burn,” James murmured.

It was definitely already burnt , and Regulus would no doubt need to run to Isa and beg her to
feed them, but he didn’t care. He just hummed in reply and James laughed, the sound perfect
and warm in the brightness of his kitchen. The same kitchen that Regulus spent so many
years alone in, biting his tongue, choking on his own life.
“I love you,” Regulus whispered.

James beamed, the clocks ticked, and the world turned. “I love you too,” and then James was
pressing kisses to Regulus’s face, his cheeks, his forehead, and the tip of his nose. “I love
you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you,” Regulus repeated breathlessly because they’d never had the freedom of that
before. He was smiling too, and this time James was kissing him first, still languid and easy.
Like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did.

Their food did burn. I t was entirely inedible.

Regulus couldn’t bring himself to mind.

--

James would have thought things would change after that. That the world would see some
drastic shift.

Yes, things were different, but it didn’t feel strange, it didn’t feel new.

He supposed , though, it wasn’t new. But while it was familiar, it also wasn’t the same.
Basically, James was confused but he wasn’t complaining, because things felt okay, good
even, confusion aside.

They spent the day packing Regulus’s house . Isa and Bea came by in the morning and helped
them for a few hours. The afternoon was quiet, only broken by the occasional remark or
question from one of them. After a while, they broke for lunch and Regulus brushed James’s
hand with his thumb as he walked past him into the kitchen. It should have been strange, but
it wasn’t. Maybe someone had decided they’d had their fair share of hard . M aybe they’d
finally moved past the worst parts.
“So tomorrow we finish packing and then head home,” Regulus mumbled that night as James
climbed into his bed, reaching out for him.

“Yeah,” James agreed, nudging his nose into Regulus’s neck as he climbed on top of him,
Regulus instantly wrapped his arms around James’s middle pulling him down so they were
nose-to-nose. “We’re back together now, right?” James asked because he needed to make
sure it was clear . T hey couldn’t have any more stupid miscommunication, he didn’t think
they could take it.

“Yes?” Regulus said, but it came out as a question. “I mean , as long as you want—”

“I want,” James said , firmly cutting Regulus off. “I very, very much want.”

“Okay… uh- then yes.”

“Good,” James pressed a kiss under Regulus’s eye and he scrunched his face up in response ,
causing James to laugh and kiss him again , this time on the cheek.

Regulus ducked away from James’s ministrations, pushing him back with a stern look . “We
should make some rules, terms…”

“Terms…” James repeated, a little dazed because Regulus was under him and his cheeks
were flushed a pretty pink.

“Yes, to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“Okay, right, yes,” James said quickly . “G ood idea.”

“Right, then first thing, we should tell Healer Potts everything as soon as we get back.”
James nodded, he’d been thinking the same thing. She would be able to help them stay
stable… he wondered if this had been her intention when she gave them the ‘homework’ of
cleaning out Regulus’s house together. “Okay,” he agreed.

“Secondly, we need to decide if we want to tell everyone… I mean, no one even knows that
we’ve been going to therapy together.”

“Do you want to tell them?”

Regulus frowned . “Well, eventually of course…”

“But not yet,” James finished for him.

“I- is that okay?” Regulus asked hesitantly, his eyebrows scrunching.

Shifting his weight off Regulus, James turned on his side and Regulus followed so they were
face-to-face again. James reached out, smoothing the crease between Regulus’s eyebrows
with his thumb.

“Of course it’s okay,” James said softly. “I was honestly thinking the same thing. We need
time to figure ourselves out without worrying about anyone else.”

“Okay, then we keep it to ourselves for a little while…” Regulus nodded. “Okay, third term…
no sex.”

James bolted up. “What? Why ?”

“Just for now—”

“Regulus—”

“ James ,” Regulus said. “Come on, have we not learned our lesson? I’m not saying forever, I
just think after last time maybe we go slow.”

James winced , remembering last time painfully well. “I- okay , ” James agreed quietly.
“And… I’m sorry for that by the way. I regret leaving you . I wasn’t sure if I should have
stayed but I wish I had, I wish we’d at least tried to communicate then. I shouldn’t have slept
with you and left . Y ou’re worth far, far more to me and didn’t deserve to be treated like a
common hook-up.”

“I know,” Regulus whispered. “I forgive you, and I’m sorry , too. I’m not without blame ,
either… I could have stopped it. But I- I didn’t want to , and a part of me thought I’d never
have another chance. But we do, we have as much time as we need. So, I think we should
take that time and make sure we feel stable before we jump into anything.”

“Ugh,” James complained with a frown. “I hate that you’re so clever . O kay, fine. No sex.
But know that I’m going to be thinking about it plenty.”

“Well, that’s not a crime.”

“Is making out allowed?”

“I mean… that’s not sex. I don’t see why not.” Regulus sounded quite pleased with this
conclusion as he shrugged, and James laughed , seeing right through him and leaning forward
to kiss him firmly.

Regulus responded instantly , his arms wrapping around James’s neck and pulling him closer.
They didn’t get much more talking done, but for once, it didn’t feel like there was anything
that needed to be said.
Chapter End Notes

Triple update: don't miss the next two chapters today too ;)

Omg I’m a dirty plagiarizer I forgot to note the line “not everything feels like something
else” is from a beautiful poem Jessica gives me a chill pill by Angie Sijun Lou which is
a piece I think about all the time. So please give that some love.
 Chapter thirty-nine
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

“You seem happy, kid,” Johnny said as Regulus dropped the last crate of new books in the
storeroom.

Regulus looked up in surprise. "Do I?"

"Yep,” the older man grinned. “Holiday do you well?”

“I told you it wasn’t a holiday; I was cleaning out my old house.” Regulus sighed, brushing
his hands off on his trousers as he grabbed the clipboard from the table, checking off that the
last box from their shipment had been accounted for.

“Well, then the change did you well. The next step in your life.” Brownie wound between
Johnny’s legs, and he leaned down to pat her on the head. “That’s good.”

“I- well… I suppose,” Regulus said because it was true, he did feel better. A little less like he
was floating aimlessly through life. He had his own flat, a job he actually enjoyed, and now a
relationship… What was the next step after that?

Brownie abandoned Johnny to bound over to Regulus, looking up expectantly for pets.
Regulus scratched under her chin before pausing. “I’m going to get a cat,” he blurted out.

Johnny only laughed at Regulus’s sudden proclamation. “Good idea, kid.” He grinned.

Regulus smiled back, Brownie meowed, the bell jingled in the front and Regulus
straightened, heading to the register to greet them.
The world kept turning, and Regulus moved with it.

He was happy.

--

“We haven’t seen you in a while,” Sirius said with an accusing glare. Regulus, who had
barely even walked through the front door, sighed in exasperation.

“Sirius,” he complained. “Merlin, let me breathe.”

“It’s been weeks!” Sirius protested. “I wanted you to help Moony and I house hunt, but
you’ve been completely silent!”

“I have not,” Regulus protested. “I was in Italy last month, and I’ve been working a lot. You
know this because I told you, we’ve firecalled and I’ve sent you letters. That’s quite the
opposite of ‘completely silent’ I’d say.”

“Reg, you can help us narrow down the choices,” Remus cut in before the Black brothers
could blow up at each other. “We did all the boring parts, it’s only between three places now.
You can come take a look and help us decide.”

“I want to join,” James added. “Can I help?”

“James, we already invited you,” Remus sighed.

“Okay, well—”
“Can you idiots stop standing in the hallway please?” Lily called from the living room. “We
have a perfectly good sofa and you’re all loitering!”

“You heard the woman,” Sirius shrugged before turning on his heel and leaving them to
follow him into the living room.

Remus was right behind him, but James caught Regulus’s wrist before he could leave. “Hi,”
he whispered, kissing him on the cheek.

“Don’t be stupid,” Regulus muttered, but he pulled James down into a searing kiss, lingering
longer than was strictly necessary before pushing him away. He turned and left James in the
hall without another word, but James didn’t mind.

After composing himself and wiping the fond smile from his face, James followed, plopping
down on the couch next to Regulus, an acceptable enough distance apart. Harry had already
found Regulus and crawled into his lap, regaling him with tales of the quidditch camp he’d
been attending. Regulus listened to every word with absolute attention, nodding along. James
loved the way he always treated Harry like they were equals, never talking down to him or
acting like he was a baby. Harry was of the age where he was convinced he was all grown up
now, and he loved talking with Regulus any chance he got.

“How’s the bookstore?” Lily asked once Harry had finished his story and taken off to clean
up his toys before dinner (which would no doubt include him getting distracted by them until
someone went to fetch him for food).

Regulus shrugged. “Lots of books.”

“No shit,” Remus snorted in amusement and Lily rolled her eyes at the two of them.

“Aside from that,” she said pointedly. “Don’t play dumb, Reg.”
Regulus quickly straightened under her gaze, shooting Remus a look as if it were his fault
that Regulus was getting scolded. “Not much happens there, but I like it. Johnny keeps
talking about training me to take over one day if I want… so I guess it’s become more of a
commitment than I intended.”

“Do you want to take over?”

Regulus flinched, and for a moment he was gone, his mind somewhere far away. Before
James could even wonder how to react, Regulus snapped back to himself, blinking. “Yes,” he
said quietly. “Yes, I think so. Funny how it works out.”

“How’s that?” Lily asked, gaze flitting to Sirius, whose face had become carefully still,
watching his brother with concern.

“I had a friend who wanted to open a store,” Regulus said, his voice sounded hollow, and he
frowned as the words left his mouth. As if he hadn’t meant to say them at all. Sirius opened
his mouth like he wanted to speak but Remus quickly nudged him, and he shut it. A moment
later, Regulus seemed to decide to continue. “He said we’d sell records and books. He didn’t
get to, but he wanted me to… be better. It’s sort of nice to think I might have managed it.”

Regulus had mentioned someone briefly, never in so much detail, but over the past few weeks
they’d been doing a lot of talking. James knew he’d had a friend he was close with in
America, and James had gathered enough to know that he was dead. This was the most he’d
ever heard Regulus talk about him directly, and James resisted the urge to reach for his
boyfriend because they were still being careful about keeping their relationship private for the
time being.

Instead, James let Lily lean forward and squeeze Regulus’s hand. “I think you did,” she said
gently. “It suits you, being around books all day.”

Regulus swallowed, looking at Lily and then glancing at James for only a split-second, just
long enough to gain some reassurance before nodding. “Yes… yes, I think so.”
Remus quickly jumped in, changing the topic to his and Sirius’s house-hunting pursuits.
Regulus sat there quietly. James was really starting to rethink their whole ‘keeping it to
themselves’ thing because all he wanted was to touch Regulus right now, but they’d decided
not to tell anyone yet.

Thankfully, the timer went off in the kitchen and James stood, seeing his opportunity. “Uh,
Regulus, could you help me with dinner? I don’t trust any of these monsters not to destroy
the food just by touching it.”

Regulus blinked before nodding silently and following James into the kitchen. Switching the
timer off, James peered into the oven to check on the chicken before grabbing a pair of oven
mitts and pulling it out.

“Do you actually need help?” Regulus asked quietly.

James put the chicken on the stove and took off the oven mitts, turning to face Regulus. “I
won’t say no to help,” he said softly.

“I’ll help,” Regulus shuffled forward, wrapping his arms around James’s waist. “In a
moment…” he said, his voice muffled as he pressed his face into James’s chest.

James didn’t speak, just wrapped his arms around Regulus tightly before resting his chin on
top of the other man’s head. They stood like that for a long time and when Regulus finally
pulled back to look up at James, he looked so terribly sad that James frowned, reaching out to
cup his face.

“Hey…” James said tenderly, brushing his thumb over the edge of Regulus’s jaw.

“Sorry,” Regulus mumbled. “I’ve been happy.”

“And I’m glad,” James told him. “But you don’t need to be happy all the time. You’re still
growing and healing. When you’re happy, I’m glad, but when you’re not, there’s nothing
wrong with it. You’re allowed to be sad, to have awful, shitty days. In fact, I think you’re the
one who used to preach that to me.”

“I think you’ll find I’m a hypocrite,” Regulus said quietly, and James couldn’t help the smile
that tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Maybe, but I like you anyway. Though you could try to take your own advice, you’re too
clever not to listen to.”

“You think I’m clever?”

“Regulus Black, I think you’re the most brilliant, wonderful, gorgeous person to ever grace
planet Earth.”

“Well, now you’re laying it on a bit thick,” Regulus muttered, but James could see he was
fighting back a smile because Regulus was scowling hard in a way that made it clear he was
forcing it to stay there.

James simply leaned down to kiss the scowl off his face. It worked, it always did. Regulus’s
hand came up to grab James’s, which was still cupping his face. James felt Regulus’s fingers
brush over the ring on his hand as he leaned back and James pressed forward, making them
stumble slightly as he deepened the kiss.

“Ahem.”

James jumped back to see Lily in the doorway raising an eyebrow. Regulus stepped
backward, putting some more distance between them.

“I was coming to set the table,” Lily remarked mildly, not seeming fazed in the least. “But if
you have it covered...”
“Oh- erm…” James rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I’ve just got to cut the chicken,
maybe Reg can help you?”

Regulus shrugged. He didn’t seem outwardly ruffled but James noticed the careful distance
he kept between them as he stepped towards Lily. “Sure.”

“Perfect.” Lily smiled, turning to the cupboards and beginning to pull out plates. Regulus
followed her lead as she handed him the cutlery.

The silence was heavy for a long moment, and Regulus was purposefully not looking over at
James.

As Lily began to set plates on the table, she glanced at Regulus and then James. “I won’t
tell,” she said quietly, “if you’re keeping it a secret.”

James turned from the chicken, deciding to not even bother pretending like he was focused
on it at the moment. “It’s not a secret,” he said quickly, “it’s just… private, for now.”

“I get it. Really, I’m not at all surprised, I just didn’t expect to walk in on you just now,” Lily
chuckled.

“You’re not surprised we’re back together?” Regulus questioned with a frown as he carefully
straightened the fork he’d just laid on the table.

“Not at all,” Lily snorted. “Are you?”

“Yes,” Regulus said instantly. “We were pretty fucked for a while there.”

“Hm, maybe. But I had faith in you,” Lily shrugged. “I know you both, I love you both. I
knew it’d probably take a bit of time and a lot of patience, but eventually, you would figure it
out.”
“James made us go to therapy,” Regulus said with such a look of revulsion that James
laughed, sharing an amused look with Lily.

“It’s been very helpful,” James countered with a grin. “He’ll never say so, but he thinks so
too.”

“Good, you both needed therapy. Otherwise, we might have gone with Sirius’s idea and
locked you in a room together, and you may have murdered each other if we did that.”

James gasped. “Lily Evans, were you scheming? Behind our backs?”

“Of course, the two of you were driving me up the wall. The constant bickering and then the
cold shoulder, you needed an intervention.”

“Fuck you,” Regulus crossed his arms and James just sighed.

“Well, we got there without you, thank you very much.”

“Good,” Lily raised an eyebrow, “Now please cut that chicken before it gets cold. Then what
would I tell Sirius and Rem?”

James quickly set to work and Regulus snorted at him, which James very maturely ignored.

He thought it would have felt scary, someone finding out. That it’d make it more real. But
honestly, James didn’t mind. Firstly, it was Lily, of all people. Secondly, it was nice to have at
least one person they didn’t have to pretend around.

But shit, they’d have to tell Sirius soon, and there were only two ways that could go. Either
he’d be furious or ecstatic.
Merlin, every person in the world and of course the love of his life was his best friend’s baby
brother.

“Wow,” Regulus raised his eyebrows, turning to take in the large house. “This is nice.”

Remus smiled. Even before he turned to take in Sirius’s offended expression, he knew what
his reaction would be.

“Do you think I’m incapable of getting a nice place, Regulus?” Sirius asked, rounding on his
brother. “You know I have most of the Black fortune?”

“Way to rub it in.”

“Excuse me,” Sirius scoffed. “You didn’t want it.”

“I don’t need it because I work—”

“I work too, you didn’t even have a job at the time!”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Remus cut them off because someone had to do it and James was
simply standing there with his arms crossed, clearly amused. “Let’s look around. Tell us what
you think.”

Regulus lagged behind on the porch with Remus as James and Sirius stepped into the house.
“This is the one, isn’t it?” he whispered.
Remus couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face as he shrugged. “Maybe, probably. But
we wanted second opinions.”

“Hm…” Regulus hummed, looking around the big porch. The cold weather had turned the
land around them dead grey, but Remus could tell the garden would be beautiful when
summer came. The trees were large and old, reminding him of where he’d grown up. “I can
see it,” Regulus said, and Remus could, too. It felt like home.

“C’mon,” was all Remus said in reply. “Can’t leave James and Sirius unsupervised for too
long.”

Regulus snorted as they stepped through the front door. “We’re unlucky in that sense,” he
rolled his eyes.

“What’s unlucky?” James questioned as Remus and Regulus stepped inside, joining them in
the entryway.

“Being stuck with you,” Regulus grimaced but James laughed, looking far too delighted by
Regulus’s look of distaste.

“There are worse things.”

“Debatable.”

Sirius’s eyebrows were raised as he met Remus’s gaze over Regulus’s shoulder. Remus just
shrugged in answer. He didn’t know what was going on with those two any more than Sirius
did.

Sirius, of course, was never going to let anything go.

“So are you two good now?” He jumped in, gesturing between Regulus and James.
“We’re fine, we’ve been fine,” Regulus said flatly.

Sirius scoffed. “You were at each other’s throats, and then you didn’t talk for months. I think
we have different definitions of fine.”

“We’re okay,” James cut in, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Really.”

Remus thought ‘okay’ could mean a lot of things when it came to them, but really… he
didn’t want to know.

Sirius was eyeing James suspiciously, and Remus sighed before turning on his heel and
leaving them to it. He’d found himself caught between the three of them more than enough
times, he knew they’d figure it out.

So, Remus walked the halls of this house, and well… he dreamed.

He imagined the sofa they could put in the corner of the living room, the desk that would best
suit the study. He imagined filling this place with the pieces of his life, having dinners here
on the weekend, Harry playing in the vast yard during summer. Having picnics out there and
birthday parties.

“Moony?”

Remus turned from the back window he’d been staring out, the future painting its way across
the bare yard.

“Hm?”

Sirius reached out for him, fingers brushing Remus’s arm. “Alright?”
“Yes,” Remus smiled, leaning down to kiss Sirius hard on the mouth. Sirius made a sound of
muffled surprise but he wasted no time kissing back just as enthusiastically, panting when
they finally parted.

“Okay?” Sirius said breathlessly as Remus rested their foreheads together for a second before
pulling back. “What was that for?”

“For you.”

“Right…” Sirius narrowed his eyes and Remus chuckled.

“I’m just happy, Pads,” Remus said softly. “I wasn’t so sure we’d make it here for a little
while there, but we did. Here we are and I’m happy.”

“I’m happy, too.”

“Good. We’re good, this is good.”

Sirius was smiling too now, his confusion melted away, his dark eyes sparkling brilliantly.
Remus could stay here forever.

The sound of voices cut through the moment and Sirius turned his head to listen. Remus
followed his gaze to the other room where James and Regulus were talking, seemingly
unaware of the fact that Sirius and Remus could hear them.

“…I thought you said you’d go to the shelter after work,” James was saying.

“Yes, on Wednesday.”
“No, Reg, you said Thursday. I wanted to come, but I’m bringing Harry to the Weasley’s on
Wednesday.”

“You said that was on Thursday.”

“No! Wednesday.”

Regulus sighed, “Fucking hell, okay, fine we can go on Thursday. Happy?”

“Yes, so happy. The happiest person in existence, which I am every day that I’m graced by
your presence—”

“I’m not getting a dog, buttering me up isn’t going to make me change my mind.” Regulus
cut James off swiftly.

James sighed, “It was worth a try. Not that it isn’t true, bad taste in pets aside you are still the
most magnificent, beautiful person in the world. I am so happy—”

“I’m going to hit you.”

“I’m just saying I love you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Say it back.”

“No.”
“Regulus, Regulus. Reg, please, love of my life—”

“Fine. I love you, now shut up. And this doesn’t mean you get any say over what cat I
adopt…” Their voices faded as they moved farther into the next room and Sirius turned to
Remus with wide eyes.

“Oh my god!” He whispered. “Moony, did you hear that?”

“We’re standing in exactly the same place, Pads. Yes, I heard.”

“They’re back together!” Sirius hissed.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? That’s not what it sounded like, it sounded like definitely! When did this happen?
Why haven’t they told us?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t even realize they’d been talking, but I suppose it makes sense… If
they were, it would be easier to keep it quiet. We haven’t all always been so understanding of
the two of them.”

“We?” Sirius questioned quietly.

“I wasn’t either,” Remus said quickly, hoping Sirius wouldn’t take it to mean something it
didn’t. “You should have heard some of the things I said when I first found out. I just didn’t
get it, but I do now.”

Sirius nodded, his brow furrowed, his head tilted in the direction of James and Regulus’s
muffled voices. “Yeah… me too.”
Remus swallowed. He stepped closer, tilting Sirius’s head to look at him. “This is the place,
huh?”

“Home?”

“Home,” Remus agreed, tugging at Sirius’s arm. “C'mon, let’s leave them to it. They’ll tell us
when they're ready.”

And Sirius? He just nodded, agreeable. Remus’s heart ached with how much had changed. In
the distance, James was laughing, the winter sun fighting its way through the clouds.
Everything was quiet.

James didn’t mean to break the news. It happened by accident, really.

They were all lying on the floor of Sirius and Remus’s new house, sighing heavily after a
long day of helping them move in. Everyone was exhausted but in a satisfied, happy way.
Something felt right, peaceful, and Sirius and Remus were clearly ecstatic about the move.

James was proud. He looked at his friends and he couldn’t believe what a beautiful, amazing
life they’d built for themselves despite every obstacle thrown in their way.

“Anyone want to stay over tonight?” Sirius suggested, rolling over on the ground to nudge
into Remus’s side.

“I have to get back to pick up Harry from Cissa’s. Otherwise, I’d say absolutely.” Lily shook
her head, and nobody commented on the fact that Narcissa had recently become ‘Cissa’ to
Lily. They’d been spending a lot of time together, and honestly, James was glad. Lily had
been struggling the past few months, especially when she’d decided to cut ties with her sister
for good. James knew despite her resolve, it was still eating her up.

“Not everyone can repair relationships with their family,” she’d told James sadly. “I’m
realizing not everyone should. This is better for me. Trying to fix things is only hurting
worse.”

James hadn’t really understood it, but he got the feeling Narcissa did. So he’d just been there,
let Lily cry into his shoulder, and assured her he supported her no matter what. Slowly, she
seemed to be coming to terms with her decision, and James was glad to see her smile more
lately. She was more present, less stuck in the past.

“Ugh, how dare you take care of your son,” Sirius complained. “But fine. Prongs?”

“I was going to stay over at Regulus’s tonight,” James did his best to shrug despite lying
down. “So it’s up to him, really.”

“Ew,” Sirius made a face.

“We’re not having sex,” James protested, because it was true. They had yet to cross that
bridge… though James was getting a little eager to, if he was being honest. Not that he’d tell
that to Sirius.

Regulus shot up suddenly. “James!”

James lifted himself onto his elbows to glance at his boyfriend. “Yes?” he asked in confusion.

Regulus just sputtered, waving a vague hand at Remus and Sirius.

“What?”
“Oh,” Sirius sat up as well, lifting himself from where he was draped over Remus. “We know
about you two, if that’s what you’re on about, Reggie.”

James paused, the realization hitting him of what he’d said a moment before. “Oh, shit.”

Regulus groaned, forehead falling into his palm. “What the fuck?” He complained.

“You’re not subtle,” Remus said to the ceiling. He, unlike everyone else, seemed unwilling to
sit up from where he lay on the floor. “Not that I don’t understand why you may have wanted
to keep it to yourselves, but you’re still not subtle.”

“Excuse me, we hid our relationship for years,” James crossed his arms.

Sirius’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t think that’s the point you think it is, Prongs.”

Regulus reached for his jacket which was on the ground next to him, tossing it at James’s
head. “Shut the fuck up while you’re ahead.”

Lily snorted, shaking her head as James narrowly dodged the flying jacket. “Okay, so they’re
back together. Great, now everyone knows.” Lily clapped her hands.

“You too?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I walked in on them making out,” she shrugged.

Remus snorted at that. “See, I told you. Not subtle.”

Regulus groaned, flopping back down onto the floor. “Just because you’re all annoying me,
I’m not sleeping over, and as a result neither is James.”

“Hey, you don’t decide what James does.” Sirius crossed his arms, a frown tugging at his lips
as he pouted. Sirius pushed his dark hair back, turning to James who just shrugged helplessly.
Sirius’s frown instantly melted into a glare.

Regulus stood, brushing off his trousers. “C’mon, Jamie, we’re leaving.”

James stood, instantly obeying, and Remus whistled. “Damn, Reg, you go. Got him on a
leash and everything,” he said, even as Sirius choked. “Clearly you do decide what Prongs
does.”

“I’m sure he loves you all,” Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Unfortunately, I give him things
none of you can.”

Sirius let out an even louder choking sound at that, and James immediately turned red as
Remus let out a loud laugh. “Noted,” Remus said, reaching out to pat Sirius on the back as he
coughed.

“Ew,” Sirius said in between gasps of breath. “Ew, ew ew. I rescind my approval, break up
right now!”

“Don’t need your approval,” Regulus smiled wickedly. “Now, we’re leaving to go have sex.
Have a great night.”

Sirius sputtered after them even as Remus continued to laugh and Lily shook her head in
amusement. James just followed Regulus out the front door.

“Bye, I’ll see you all tomorrow!” James called over his shoulder. “I love you all so much.
Sorry, Pads!”
“Love you!” Remus and Lily chorused. It seemed Sirius was still recovering.

Regulus tugged on James’s arm as they stepped outside and James turned on the spot,
apparating them away.

James paused when they got back to Regulus’s flat, turning to frown at the other man. “Wait,
are we really having sex?”

Regulus sighed, dropping his keys on the counter and reaching down to pet his cat, Ophelia,
as she wound between his legs. James had been very adamant in his dislike for cats, but he
didn’t want to talk about that as she came to greet him as well, and he quickly fell to his
knees, kissing her on her furry head. James adored Ophelia and Regulus knew it.

“I mean, I was just fucking with Sirius, but do you want to?” Regulus asked as he took off his
shoes and left them in the corner near the door.

“Is that even a question?” Regulus didn’t immediately respond, looking away. James froze.
“Wait, Regulus…” he frowned. “Is it?”

“I- I don’t know,” Regulus muttered.

Ophelia abandoned James to disappear down the hall and James stood, frowning. “Do you
think I don’t want to?” he asked quietly, stepping closer.

“I- maybe?” Regulus said stiffly. “I mean, it’s not like you’ve brought it up, and I guess
maybe I thought that you… well, not found me unattractive now, but weren’t… turned on by
me or into me like that and–”

“Whoa, love,” James said softly, cutting him off. “I didn’t mention it because you said you
wanted to wait. I’m sorry, we probably should have communicated about this sooner. I just
didn’t want to bring it up if you weren’t ready, and after what happened last time… I’m still
scared to ruin things, terrified of it constantly, Reg. Even though I feel secure and hopeful in
our relationship… But of course, I’m ‘into you like that’, Regulus, I’m absolutely obsessed
with you in every possible way. Assuming you want to have sex with me, I want nothing
more.”

“I do,” Regulus said quickly, looking slightly embarrassed by the entire conversation. “I- I’m
being stupid, I should have brought it up, too,” he said quietly. “This is all still so… hard
sometimes.”

“Hm, I don’t think love is always supposed to be easy,” James said gently. “You know I
always idolized my parent’s relationship. I wanted something just like that. The summer after
we broke up, I remember asking them how they did it. Gosh, my mum had looked at me so
sadly– and I’m sure, in my bones, that she knew about you. I don’t know how, but I think she
did… She told me it took a lot of work, and I was shocked. My parents always seemed so
perfect, like it was so easy. But my mum said she and my dad chose to love each other every
day.”

Regulus reached out for James’s hand, pulling him in so they were in each other’s space.
James rarely talked about his parents, the grief was often still too heavy, and Regulus knew
that. Clearly knew how important it was that James was bringing it up now.

“I like that,” Regulus murmured. “Though I don’t feel I’ve ever had a choice when it comes
to loving you… I still choose you. I choose to stay.”

“Exactly,” James smiled softly, leaning in to rest his forehead on Regulus’s. “It’ll probably
keep being hard, and we’ll probably have more miscommunications. Knowing us, it’s
guaranteed… But I love you, I want you. I want to be around you, talk to you, admire you,
read with you, cook with you, laugh with you, have a life with you. All the things, all the
time, every day. So I keep choosing you.”

“And that’s enough,” Regulus whispered, and it was. James had wanted all those things for a
long time, but the difference was, they hadn’t ever chosen each other before.

James smiled, letting his eyes fall closed as he enjoyed the familiar closeness between them.
The way Regulus smelled like home, the soft tickle of his breath on James’s cheek.
Suddenly, James pulled back, eyes widening. “Wait, are we having sex tonight?”

Regulus choked on a laugh at James's alarmed expression. “Oh my god, I don't know?”

James held Regulus’s gaze for a second, still frozen before he burst into laughter as well, and
then they were kissing, giggling into each other’s mouths even as James was pushing Regulus
back towards the bedroom.

The thing, as James was learning, was that having this relationship as an adult versus when
he was sixteen was very different. Sex, James felt, made this extremely apparent. With as
comfortable as they were with each other and the absence of the urgency that had plagued
them as hormonal teenagers, and their one rushed, partly rage-and-desperation-fueled night,
things were so strangely easy.

There was some awkwardness, and James kept giggling which caused Regulus to as well.
Nothing was serious or rushed, and James found despite his adamance as a teenager that
Regulus communicate with him on this front, it was far, far easier now. They both knew
themselves better as adults. Regulus seemed to quickly shake off any lingering
embarrassment from their conversation, and they whispered and giggled through the entire
ordeal, simply giddy and happy to be together.

It was perfect. Regulus was perfect.

“Do you think we made it?” Regulus whispered later that night, his arms wrapped around
James’s waist, face pressed into his side.

“Made it?” James repeated sleepily, a hand coming up to tug on one of Regulus’s curls.

Regulus reached up, catching James’s hand in his hair and pulling it down to his eye level to
examine the ring on his finger. “To the what-if, the eventually… Do you think we made it?”
James didn’t speak for a moment, letting Regulus thread their hands together, bringing them
up so he could kiss each of James’s knuckles and then the star ring that rested there.

“Yeah,” James said after a moment, voice choked. “I think we did. I think we’re still moving,
still growing, trying to build our lives… but we found it.”

“I never really believed it,” Regulus whispered, and James had never been so glad to hear an
admission. Because Regulus never would have said it before, and the only reason he would
admit it now was if he did believe it.

“I know.”

“I do now.”

“I know,” James repeated, his voice cracking and Regulus squeezed his fingers tighter.

“I’m still afraid. It all still hurts so much sometimes but, Jamie… I think we’re going to be
alright.”

James barely choked out a response, tears threatening to bite back his voice. Because god,
how much those words meant coming from Regulus Black of all people. “Yeah, love, I think
so too.”

James would think of those words a lot in the future.

I think we’re going to be alright.

Because things would always be hard at times. James would still have nightmares and still
live in fear of spiraling out of control. They would fight, sometimes violently and massively,
and Regulus, as he was prone to do, would leave.
 He’d slam the door, leaving James alone with a bang until a second later, he’d throw it back
open again, still obviously furious and wanting nothing more than to stomp off.

“I need some air, I’m going to clear my head and I’ll be back.” It would clearly be hard for
him to force out, but he’d do it, and so James, just as furious, would force himself to nod.

“Thank you for telling me.”

So, Regulus would leave, but he’d come back. He’d always make sure James knew he was
coming back.

And he did, every day for the rest of their lives.

Eventually, James would know for certain that Regulus was correct.

They really were alright.

Chapter End Notes

and continue to the epilogue.... -->

 Epilogue
Chapter Summary

Epilogue

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The Black-Potter household

1996

“Harry! Harry, get down here right now!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

There was the thump of footsteps on the stairs and a second later Harry Potter was throwing
himself into the kitchen, hair wild and glasses askew.

“I don’t suppose you look so put together because you packed yesterday like I told you?”
James raised an eyebrow.

“I’m packed,” Harry protested.

Regulus snorted. “As of two minutes ago, I’m sure. But if it’s done, it’s done.”
Harry crossed his arms with a frown. “Reggie! I did it, I even folded my clothes. You should
be pleased.”

“Bare minimum,” Regulus rolled his eyes and James poked him.

“Hey, he’s sixteen. At that age, I threw all my belongings into my trunk and sat on it until it
finally closed.”

“Because you are a heathen. Harry has Lily’s DNA, he’s better than that.”

“Speaking of mum, is she here yet?” Harry asked.

“Not yet. Please don’t tell me you left something at her house… I told you two days ago
when you came here to take everything you needed for Hogwarts with you.” James raised his
eyebrows.

“No,” Harry said guiltily. “I’ve got everything!” Which Regulus knew meant that Lily would
no doubt be getting an owl soon requesting she send whatever item he’d forgotten but refused
to admit.

“If you say so,” James hummed.

“Harry!”

Harry turned from his father to the toddler in Regulus’s arms. “Cass!” He said delightedly,
holding his arms out for his little brother. Regulus turned the child over dutifully because
nobody got in the way of Harry’s time with Cass, not even Regulus and James.

“C’mon, Cassie-Cass, let’s go check and make sure I’ve got everything.”
They headed back up the stairs, Harry chatting with Cass as he went while the little boy
nodded along seriously. He reached up to pull Harry’s hair just as they turned the corner into
Harry’s room, and Harry jumped. “Ow! Cassiopeia! No pulling.” Cass just giggled, and in the
kitchen, James covered his mouth to stifle his laugh.

“You won’t think it’s so funny next time he does that to you,” Regulus muttered, raising an
eyebrow.

“I know,” James lamented, suddenly becoming serious. “He’s really into violence lately,
reminds me of you.”

“Excuse me?” Regulus scoffed and James laughed at his look of offense.

“Right, sorry. I love your violence, you can pull my hair if you want.”

Regulus grabbed the copy of The Prophet off the table and used it to swat at James, who
quickly ducked away with a careless grin. The front page of the paper was highlighting some
socialite who’d had the ‘biggest wedding of the century’. There was no page with an updated
death count, no calls looking for missing family members, and no dark marks or burned
villages.

James reached out, grabbing the newspaper still clasped in Regulus’s fingers and using it to
pull Regulus forward into his grasp.

“Hello,” he smiled as Regulus’s free hand came up to rest on James’s chest.

“Hi,” Regulus sighed as if it were a chore, but he couldn’t help but laugh when James leaned
down to kiss him on the nose.

“You look pretty today.”

“I look the same as I always do.”

“Which is pretty.”

“If you say so.”

James grinned. “I do.” His face crinkled with joy, eyes sparkling. His glasses were a stronger
prescription now, and he had a few more wrinkles on his face. Regulus liked him that way.
He liked getting older. It was, as he’d come to learn, a luxury not everyone got.

Regulus, suddenly feeling strangely nostalgic, pulled James down into a kiss. It was soft but
insistent, slow and easy. Because they had all the time in the world. They did this every day,
whenever they wanted. Life was slow-paced and routine. It was soft and warm and all the
things Regulus hadn’t imagined when he was eighteen, closing his eyes to the chill of death.

They broke apart at the sound of Harry running back down the stairs because he would no
doubt make some sort of comment.

“Ew,” Harry said right on cue as he stepped back into the kitchen with Cass on his hip. “Were
you guys kissing?”

James let go of Regulus to ruffle Harry’s hair. “I know, disgusting, how dare I kiss my
husband. What a terrible crime.”

“PDA is disgusting.”

“It’s not PDA, we’re at home,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “You just like to be a little shit.”

Harry just grinned at that, passing Cass back to Regulus before kissing him on the cheek.
“Love you too, Reggie.”
“Papa!” Cass said excitedly, and Regulus smiled down at his son.

“Hello again, Cassiopeia, I know it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.”

“Don’t be mean,” James complained. “He’s a baby, he has no proper concept of time.”

“No, Cass is a genius. He could explain quantum physics to you if you asked,” Harry
protested. “He knows about everything muggle and everything magic. Don’t besmirch his
name like that.”

“Yeah!” Cass said happily though he had no idea what most of those things meant.

“Hello, we’re here!” Sirius’s voice suddenly cut through the house. “And we found one
wonderful, gorgeous Lily Evans.”

“Hi, Uncle Pads!” Harry turned to greet his uncles, accepting hugs from both Sirius and
Remus before turning to his mother who smiled, kissing him on the cheek. “Hey, mum. I
missed you.”

“It’s been two days, but yes, of course, I missed you too,” she smiled gently, shaking her
head. “Are you packed?”

“Yes, I swear.”

Lily didn’t look convinced by that. “He is,” James assured her, which she completely
ignored.

“Reg, is he packed?” Lily asked.

“Apparently he even folded his clothes this time,” Regulus shrugged.

“Hey! You won’t take my word for it?” James scoffed

“No,” Remus, Lily, and Regulus all said at once, and Sirius let out a peal of laughter.

“I’m afraid we’ve been outnumbered by sensible people, Prongs,” he sighed.

Lily rolled her eyes, tossing her long plait over her shoulder. “Let’s get a move on, Cissa will
be mad if we keep her waiting.”

The large group somehow made it out the door and to the car. Sirius swiftly claimed Cass
from Regulus, bouncing him on his lap while he cooed. “How is my favorite little boy?”
Being the first baby in the family since Harry meant poor Cassiopeia was always being
passed from person to person. Though, if Regulus was right (and he usually was), Sirius and
Remus had definitely been discussing the idea of children lately and Regulus was ecstatic.
Though secretly, of course, because he wasn’t supposed to know.

“Pads, Pads! Dance!” Cass requested firmly, and Sirius started to gently shake the little boy
around on his lap, much to Cass’s delight.

“If I knew I’d get this little sucker out of it, I’d have given you and Prongs my approval way
earlier,” Sirius said, turning to Regulus and nearly elbowing Remus in the process. The car,
even magically extended, was a tight fit.

Remus frowned, catching Sirius’s elbow before it could make contact with his ribs, and
Regulus just rolled his eyes because Sirius said the same exact thing pretty much every time
he was with Cass.
They somehow made it to King’s Cross and through the platform without too much more
elbowing, the place bustling with people. Kids were laughing and shrieking as they were
reunited for the first time since the term ended, parents were scolding children or worriedly
going over lists. Many of the first-year parents were crying as they hugged their children, and
once, Regulus would have scoffed at their emotion, but they’d all shed a tear or two Harry’s
first year, so he’d be a hypocrite to blame them.

Cissa spotted them immediately (though their group was hard to miss) and weaved her way
over, Draco in tow.

Hermione, Ron, and Luna were right behind them, and they hugged as if they hadn’t seen one
another two days before in Diagon Alley.

“Draco,” Regulus greeted, ruffling his hair, to which Draco instantly scrunched up his nose in
disgust trying to pat it back into place.

“Regulus!” He complained and Ron snorted, making a comment about how posh Draco was
which quickly turned into an argument, Draco’s ire at Regulus forgotten.

Narcissa shook her head with a smile, coming to stand next to Lily. It did not escape
Regulus’s notice how their hands brushed and neither woman seemed in a hurry to stop the
contact, but that was a conversation for another day, whenever they were ready.

Instead, he turned to Luna who was hovering at his shoulder, as she always seemed to. She
reminded him so much of Pandora sometimes that it ached.

For a moment, Regulus blinked and the noise, the platform, it was all gone. There was
ringing in his ears. He was reaching out, fingers brushing. He was falling, Pandora ripped out
of his grasp. He was screaming in anguish as James held him back.

Regulus blinked.
“…that’s why this year I’m going to set up traps above my bed,” Luna was saying, her blue
eyes wide. Regulus had no idea what she was talking about, but he smiled anyway because he
loved this girl, he’d loved her mother, and sometimes that was the most good that could come
of something.

With lots of hugs and kisses (and pleas to avoid detention), they sent their children off as the
students were beckoned aboard. However, even as his friends hurried onto the train, Harry
lingered uncertainly.

“Harry?” James questioned as the teenager shifted.

“Uh, Reggie… can I talk to you?”

James’s brow furrowed, and he shared a concerned look with Lily before they both looked to
Regulus expectantly.

“Yes, of course, Harry.” He let Harry lead him out of earshot before turning to the boy with a
frown. “Is everything okay?”

“I- I’m scared,” Harry whispered, pushing his messy hair off his forehead.

“Of what?”

“I only have two years of school left,” he whispered, “and everyone knows what they want to
do. Even Ron has ideas, but I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t want my
parents to be disappointed.”

“Firstly,” Regulus said, reaching out to squeeze Harry’s shoulder, “you could never
disappoint your parents. You could become a stripper and they’d still be proud of you.” Harry
couldn’t help his smile at that, and Regulus’s heart warmed to think of what a wonderful
young man he’d become. “And secondly, you still have time. I’d wager most people feel like
that in their last years of school. Everyone is scared of change, of their future. Sometimes it
takes you a little while to find your path, but life is funny like that.”

“Did it take you a while?”

Regulus laughed at that. “Oh Harry, you have no idea.” And he didn’t. They occasionally
talked about the war but Regulus’s struggle, his addiction, that was a conversation they’d yet
to have. They would, one day, and Regulus didn’t try to keep it a secret, but it was something
he thought he was allowed to let lie. “I’ll tell you all about it one day, but trust me. Fucking
up is just being human. Be patient with yourself. Take the time to figure out what you enjoy,
you’ll get there eventually. And hey, worst comes to worst, you can run the register at the
bookstore.”

“I actually wouldn’t mind that,” Harry brightened.

“Well, you figure yourself out first, then we’ll talk. I hate to promote nepotism.”

Harry laughed at that, and he hugged Regulus tightly. “Thanks, Reggie. I love you.”

“I love you too, now come on before you miss the train.”

“Everything okay?” James asked when they returned.

“Yeah,” Regulus told him quietly, and he really meant it.

The train whistle sounded through the platform as Harry waved to his family before jumping
on, far too last minute for Lily’s liking.

James sighed as the Hogwarts Express took off from the station, wrapping his arms around
Regulus from the back and hooking his chin over his shoulder. “I’m starting to feel old,” he
murmured.
“There are worse things,” Regulus said.

“Now that we’re child-free,” Sirius stopped, looking down at Cass in his arms. “Okay, mostly
child-free, we should get ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” Remus asked, nudging his partner. “Really?”

“Yes, Moony!” Sirius exclaimed before turning to Regulus. “Reggie, what day is it that the
place near your shop has half-off scoops?”

“Hm… Tuesday, I think.”

“What day is it today?”

“Tuesday,” Regulus told him.

They bickered on their way out to the car, Sirius prying James’s hands off Regulus and
handing him Cass so he could put his arm around his brother, kissing Regulus on the
forehead in delight when he unhappily agreed to get ice cream.

It didn’t matter that they were full-grown adults, Regulus was always Sirius’s in the same
way Sirius was his. Their love didn’t dull, the bickering didn’t fade. Life moved forward and
it rarely felt like drowning these days.

As they piled back into the car, Regulus felt a shadow over his shoulder. He looked back, but
there was nothing there. The sun was shining, the autumn leaves glowing in the afternoon,
painting the world fiery shades of orange and yellow.
 For a second, remnants of another life reached its fingers out for Regulus. He turned away,
entirely unaware.

Somewhere out there, Regulus Black died on a Tuesday in 1979. But that was a place far, far
from here.

Today was just another Tuesday. That fact didn’t even make it through Regulus’s mind. It
was so inconsequential, only another day of the week.

Tuesdays meant he had to make sure he was ready to take his supplies order for the bookstore
on Wednesday. It meant Remus would come over to help with dinner because he got out of
work early on Tuesdays. Sometimes they’d be joined by half the people they knew,
sometimes it’d be just James and Regulus. Those days were nice too, just the quiet of their
house. When Cass was finally asleep, James would turn on the radio quietly and force
Regulus to dance. He'd complain every time but always gave in.

Somewhere in Italy, a new family lived in his old house. The walls wiped bare of his
instability and grief. In the borough of Islington, Grimmauld Place rotted, empty, and
forgotten, its shadows trapped, unable to wrap their fingers around his throat.

Here, in London, at King’s Cross station, James Potter caught Regulus’s eye and smiled, soft
and familiar. ‘I love you’ written in every line of his face, their son in his arms.

He smiled back.

Regulus Black didn’t have any particular feelings about Tuesdays.

Chapter End Notes

Hi babes happy LAST ANTI-HERO DAY??

Forgive me because I'm going to ramble for a second and I think deserve to after all of
this.... I started this fic for nanorwimo in November and it just... ate my soul? I spent all
my free time since then writing my ass off and I've loved every second of it. I never
expected anyone to even care about this, it was my first Jegulus fic and I've been writing
fanfic since I was in middle school, and never have I had so many supportive and
amazing readers. So THANK YOU.

Thank you to everyone who read, or left kudos. Thank you to all my commenters, even
if you only left a heart or an emoji. I saw every comment and appreciated them. Thank
you to anyone who recommended this fic on tiktok or tumble, twitter, etc. Thank you,
especially to my regular readers who were in here every Friday without fail, you guys
made my day every time. I literally cannot stop writing jegulus/marauders content so I
hope you'd be willing to follow me from here. I definitely plan to explore Lily's story in
this universe more so look forward to that. But if this is where I leave you, ily and
thanks for reading.

The biggest, BIGGEST thanks to my incredible, amazing beta @pastelanxiete who

😭
actually changed my life (I finally figured out how to properly punctuate my dialogue
) and was my saving grace while working on this fic. I couldn't have done it without
help and I'm so grateful.

As always, feel free to come chat with me. I love asks on tumblr or just interacting with
you guys in general. ILY!!!

Thanks for reading everyone, I hope to see you again soon <33

find me on tumblr

find me on twitter

Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
End Notes

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