Turn around and look

When I was in the 7th grade, I remember my science teacher asking our class to participate in a
science fair. The fair mainly consisted of its participants making models or any other projects to
emphasize the importance of health. A simple topic. She insisted that we all participate even if
we didn’t think we’d win, as in her words ”Participants are the real winners” . I never understood
that quote, how could a participant be a winner when they’ve clearly lost not only the prize but
also the time and efforts they’ve put, was all that struggle for nothing? Driven by this perception,
I immediately declined the offer. I was not the most artistically talented person and this
competition was a tough nut to crack for me. In my 7th grade mind I had made the right
decision.

Looking back, I feel a mix of emotions - grief and understanding. A slight pang of regret over
giving up on an easy opportunity to widen my horizons and possibly win. Yet, I understand
where my decision came from. In a situation where you are presented with a chance to either
win or lose, it’s easy to step back and not go for it. The efforts to be done alone would drive
away one, moreover it’s the constant fear of failure, the fear of being ridiculed by those around
you and the disappointment, resentment you end up harboring for yourself.

To anyone else, this might seem trivial, it’s just a science fair in which I didn’t enter due to my
fear. No big deal, happens all the time, after all it’s just a stupid competition!
However, that one stupid competition that I missed out on was much more.It was a testament to
many that I hadn't entered since elementary school and would later turn into numerous other
showcases, fairs etc all that I refused to enter despite having the necessary skill at times.

For instance, a year later in the 8th grade, our principal announced an inter school cooking
competition being held the following week. Now, I do not mean to flex but I like to think of myself
as a good cook, nothing fancy, just someone who can make a few delicacies from time to time.
It would make sense for me to go for it as at least this time I was qualified, all those around me
expected me to. Yet I was paralyzed with fear. I tried to give it some thought, but in the end I
didn't go. There were others from my school who had the courage to and they won! Although I
was happy for them, there was a twinge of regret or envy maybe I can’t say, like a wave of
sudden sadness washed over me. That could have been me holding the trophy, the one to bring
honor to my school, oh and it would look so good on my resume. Instead I chose to be a
coward. That feeling resonates even today, that experience is one of the clearest memories I
have from the 8th grade.

These are just a few examples but they are all an evidence to how I kept on denying myself
opportunities to grow, to learn. This habit stuck with me throughout my freshman year of
highschool. However, in the following summer, I picked up a book titled “Giant’s bread” by
Agatha Christie. I am an avid reader of fiction, I prefer them over non fiction/ self help books any
day. In my opinion, Agatha Christie is the best fictional author, the way she narrates stories is
spellbinding. That was the perception under which I picked up the book, I thought it would be a
light hearted story. For the most part it was,however there was this one paragraph that stuck
with me, I just couldn’t get over it.

For context, the main character Vernon was 5 when he fell off a tree and broke his leg. While
playing in his garden, Vernon was chased by the 'beast.' In his panic, he lost his balance and
fell, breaking his leg." To help him a nurse was assigned who asked him to narrate the story
from his side. When he was finished, she asked him if he knew what the “beast” really was. He
shook his head indicating he didn’t know. Instead of ridiculing him, the nurse gently explained to
him that the” beast” was merely a piano and that it wasn’t chasing Vernon, rather it was being
moved across the garden by a couple of workers. This little tale in itself speaks volumes but
what mesmerized me most is what the nurse said next. She advised Vernon “It’s always a good
thing to look. Then you can run away afterwards if you still want to- but you usually don't. Things
are never so frightening in front of you as they are behind you.” Those words awoke something
inside me, I suddenly felt foolish for letting my fears dictate my life. I began to wonder how my
life would look if I had just turned around and looked.

Equipped with this new found motivation, I started my sophomore year of high school. This
grade I was determined to not let any opportunities pass and promised to push myself out of my
comfort zone. I didn’t have to wait long, soon enough, the chance to do so unfolded. It was a 2
round quiz, the first round was for qualifying, and the second was the finals. I was skeptical, I
was already occupied with my exams coming up, this could end up being a waste of time if I
lost. On one hand, all my friends were going, my teachers insisted on me participating as well
while on the other hand, I was frightened. If I didn't win, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself,
people would look at me funny cause I had to win. That was it. That was the real reason behind
my hesitance, my ego. However, it wouldn’t hurt to turn around and look, right? Maybe then it
wouldn’t be so frightening. Eventually I caved in and decided to go to the quiz.

This was a new experience for me, definitely a huge obstacle to overcome. Unlike the things I
was accustomed to, I now had to juggle various commitments while studying for the quiz.
Finally, the fateful day arrived. I passed the qualifying round but the real challenge was the final
round. Initially I did really well, a full week of studying like there was no tomorrow had finally
paid off or so I thought. As the round progressed, it got difficult to a point where I contemplated
why I was here, why I had forced myself to do this. I could be sitting at home, not having to deal
with this nerve-wracking situation. Instead here I was, silently pleading that the judge would
overlook the inaccuracy in my answer. I kept on telling myself that I just had to push myself a
little bit harder and then it would be over. Just turn around and look. Yes, that was it.

Next came the most anticipated part of the quiz, the results. I had given myself a pep talk,
whatever happens has happened, what matters is you turned around and looked. The much
awaited results came.I lost. It was by a tiny margin, but it didn’t matter—I lost. All those nights of
studying, all the pep talks, and in the end, it amounted to nothing. I couldn’t hold back my tears.
It was embarrassing to say the least, but I later understood that crying is not something to be
ashamed of, it was a way for me to process my emotions in the most human way possible. It
took me a long time to come to terms with my failure. I eventually did though.
Although I am disappointed in myself for losing, I am beaming with pride. I am proud of myself
for looking, at that moment my ‘Beast’ was not behind me, it was in front of me and it was no
longer scary. Now, my fear of losing, though still there, didn't seem to hold me back anymore.
I went to attend many more competitions after this little awakening of mine. Most of them I lost,
but atleast I won one of them (I came in second) and that was enough for me. To any outsider,
that quiz competition would look insignificant but to me that was the final straw. I didn’t even win
but coming out of my shell, my comfort zone and that meant the world to me. I hope this will
inspire me in the future to always try no matter what. To always participate.

At the end of the day I understood what my science teacher told us, participants will have
something winners will never have - literally never have - a loss that motivates them.
She was right.
Participants are the real winners.